Apes learn to hammer, fly to Jupiter, become gods

Rating: 10/10 (5 July 2005)

My first attempt to review this movie proved to be too long, according to IMDb. So, let's try to shorten it a bit.
Apes grope stone, learn to hammer, kill tiger in top of first, stranding three men on base. First ape pitch is wild, and mankind advances to outer space on passed ball. Floyd pinch-hits in second, flies, eats, poops, talks, line drive to deep right field in Sea of Tranquility. Bowman jogs and tans in shallow right, is thrown out attempting to steal home in high-tech Zamboni. Poole plays chess and loses, consoles self with bad sketches in dugout. HAL throws spitball, again wild, Poole advances to outer space on passed astronaut. Poole sucks vacuum, sends HAL to showers, flies into acid trip, grows old faster than Farrah Fawcett, shucks husk, switches teams and scores winning run by circumnavigating globe before learning to walk.
Aliens win 1-0, except that reality is inverted and final score in papers is listed as "bent doughnut."
Roll credits.
(Possibly best movie ever made.)