If it were 15 minutes long, I'd still be disappointed

Rating: 5/10 (5 November 2012)

Right off the bat let's get that "this movie is long and boring" argument out of our way, because that's not what is wrong about this movie, at all. I have no problem with a film dragging on, as long as the wait is worth it. There's another draggy film, Tarkovsky's Stalker, which I've watched thrice, and am planning on watching again in a few days. If anything, the length could be annoying (at most), but by no means a good reason to give this a 1 star. Another big thing that is said about this movie is its visual effects. I don't mind those either, no matter how good or bad they are, I only care about what is being portrayed. Other mild annoyances like occasional loud noises or 'eye twitching scenes' that to some people seemed like a crime against humanity I also completely ignored.
So, now that I peeled off the most superfluous layers of nonsense, let's get to the core of things. Just what, exactly, is wrong about this film? Well everything, really. Everything except for HAL. Plot, dialog, acting, character development, direction, ending, underlying message, all of those contributed to my disappointment, so let's go in order. There is nothing inherently wrong about the plot, except that it felt like it was skimmed beyond recognition. There were plenty of parts that could have been filled with intricacies or explored in a deeper manner, such as the moon city (or whatever that was), the hibernating crew, the meeting scene, and some others I don't want to spoil. Instead, we were given merely the hint that there was something deeper and much more complex that wasn't being depicted because the director was too busy showing off his space ballet and spotless installations. The dialog was one of the most stale and uninteresting in cinema history, not a single memorable line was spoken here, and the soulless actors didn't help matters either. You'd think you'd get to see at least a subtle reaction from Dave in that one scene about the helmet, but you'd be wrong. The character development is also nonexistent; everyone's so shallow that you could switch their places around and it wouldn't make the smallest difference. Could you do that in a movie like Twelve Angry Men? BenHur? Pulp Fiction? Damn right you can't! The way the director tries to get to the audience is also laughable, in a sad way. Instead of recurring to actual talent and paying attention to all the important details, he relies almost entirely on his visual gimmicks and rotatory scenery. I wasn't transported into space with this film, it didn't make me wonder about its vastness and emptiness (not even with that one scene with frank), or -seeing it from our time- feel like I wished that's how things should have been at the turn of the millennium, the course of mankind, etc. All I saw was your typical World's Fair Futurama. Now the ending, I'm not going to spoil it, but I will tell you that if you were expecting something original and mind blowing, then you'd be as disappointed as me. If you know the musical piece that plays when the ape is swinging his bone, and you know the book which it is named after, and you've read that book, then some people may say that you'll see what the ending is all about. But quite frankly, that is by far the most blatant overstatement you're going to hear about this film. After watching it I learned that this is actually based off a book, and that made me realize that the ending I saw was just a shell, the carcass of an actual mind blowing ending that I'm looking forward to read some day. Though the one in this film, it really can't stand on its own (come to think of it, Stalker was also based off a book, and the ending was still supreme). The words that crossed through my head when I saw this movie end were literary these: "You have GOT to be kidding me" because I just couldn't believe how pretentious some people could get, without having anything to actually boast about. Finally, for the underlying message, I'm just glad I'm not going to make this paragraph any longer, since there is none. The obvious message is right there for you to see, underneath it there is nothing (since apparently it's not worth exploring), and anyone who says otherwise I'll direct to the 'Black Square' review.
As a final note I'd like to point out why this wasn't a 1 star. If I didn't make it clear earlier, it was HAL. All those 5 stars go to HAL, and it pains me that I couldn't give it 10. Everything bad I just said about this film does not, in any way, apply to HAL, not even the part where I called everyone soulless. The 9000 series is simply the most interesting concept of this movie -it's what made the WHOLE movie. Just think about it, without it, there would be absolutely nothing of worth to watch here. I've never seen a more iconic 'character' in my life, and now I know why HAL is so referenced and emulated throughout many mediums of our culture. The (quick) chess scene caused a great impact on me, being a retired chess player myself. I could just feel HAL's arrogance emanating from the screen at that moment, and he only had to say a few words but they got to me. The news reporter guy was merely echoing my thoughts when he commented on HAL's pride. So why couldn't the director drag on this scene instead of all the other nonsense? It could have been fantastic if done right. As a matter of fact, none of my above complaints about this movie are as dead serious and from the bottom of my heart as this one: there was not enough HAL, period.