Meanwhile, 2001 Minutes Later

Rating: 3/10 (25 April 2013)

I think Lex Luthor said it best: "Some people can read War and Peace and come away thinking it's a simple adventure story. Others can read the ingredients on a chewing gum wrapper and unlock the secrets of the universe."
I'm part of the first example there, while most find 2001: A Space Odyssey a masterpiece in filmmaking. And no doubt whatsoever: the cinematography, score and way-ahead-of-its-time space adventure is perfect. I will stand behind that statement throughout this review. But, sadly, those are the only positives I could come up with for this incredibly long and simple film.
Before I continue, I must warn: this contains spoilers. I say this, because, as of tonight, April 24, 2013, I had never viewed 2001: A Space Odyssey before and I attempted to avoid as many spoilers as possible. So, if you haven't yet experienced this, watch at your own risk and then continue.
Previously, I proclaimed that "I attempted to avoid as many spoilers as possible." Sadly, with a movie that has been talked about, researched and inspired countless of ideas/movies over the decades, it's hard to not view some of the key scenes, listen to the wall-played classical-music score or learn of the film's characters (HAL 9000, anyone?) Well, nothing I've seen, heard or learned prepared me for the absoluteslowestmovieIhaveEVER SEEN.
The movie begins in darkness, for a few minutes. Sure, I heard music, but nothing on the screen. Quite literally, I thought my BluRay disc was damaged.
(Oh, sorry. Backing up a bit: Since I've never seen this before and it's deemed a "classic," why not watch it for the first time on the excellent BluRay format? That, however, wasn't my first intention, actually. I wanted to purchase The Shining on BluRay, but after pricing the disc, I found, for just a few dollars more, there was a triple feature of The Shining, 2001: A Space Odyssey and A Clockwork Orange. I've already seen numbers one and three, but heck, why not experience my initial reaction to 2001: A Space Odyssey on BluRay? Purchase: made.)
Just when I was about to give up, the infamous primate scene emerged. Well, okay, not quite yet. Enter in many landscaping scenes and then about 20 minutes of zero dialogue and primates eating, drinking and eventually enamored by a good sized monolith, or black rectangular prism. Many years later, Wall-E would attempt the same feat with its opening act without a shred of dialogue. Pixar was much more successful in keeping my interest.
I digress. Fast-forwarding to (oh, what year was this based in, again?) the "far-distant future" while retaining the styles and dialogue of the 1960s, doctors embark on a mission of wonder of said monolith (now, ??) on the moon. Without explaining too much and opening up way too many doors, we will fast-forward again, but now, on a mission of wonder to Juniper. Only this time, we, well, 1960s American Audiences, get their first taste of later-down-the-road Android Ash from Alien. Apparently, after a communication breakdown – literally, HAL/ASH must complete the mission even when the humans are wiser to him.
This should make me laugh, but like the opening 2-3 minutes of nothing, the movie chose to keep in the merciful INTERMISSION the audience was blessed with back in 1968. And I almost did laugh, thinking this snail-moving movie needed one. But, after a few minutes, I was tempted to fast-forward myselfsomething I never do while watching movies for the first time. Finally, what followed turned out to the most acid-tripped and psychedelic third act I've ever seen.
Now, I didn't necessarily rate down the movie for the, what we call today: a cheap screensaver, because these are aliens and in their minds back then, anything's possible. But, what followed proves to me: Director Kubrick was on drugs. He had to have been. Truly.
If you do travel down this hallucinatory journey, you'll see what I saw, or what I couldn't believe any more if Godzilla miraculously had showed up and explained, in English, verses his native Japanese tongue, what the last third of this movie meant.
I fully understand where this movie was coming from and the year it was released, but what I couldn't get past were some basic and major flaws:
A> Computer program HAL 9000 controlled the entire ship, and even the vessel to kill one of the men who wanted to shut him downbut couldn't control the second shuttle when another man wanted to rescue the obviously dead astronaut? Or, further, he failed to control the temperature, pressure or live-support when said "hero" returns to the ship and goes to deactivate the deadly computer program?
B> People of Earth, or higher-ups, that is, wanted to make first contact with the alien race that "faced" Jupiter's planet from Earth's moon. So, they programmed HAL 9000 to make sure the ship got there. The first sign of trouble was a transmission breakdown and HAL 9000 thought best to let it fail with "hopes" of fixing it later. If the higher-ups wanted to both explore the alien race and document it, wouldn't it be a top priority be to keep the communication up and running?
C> Since I've never been to space, nor plan to, it's hard to prove this is a flaw: when one character decides to venture into the vacuum of space without adequate protection, albeit briefly, he's perfectly fine. Even though, I GUESS this could work, it was hard to get past and take the rest of the movie seriously.
The movie's based on a short story, and it shows. It's an extremely thin plot stretched to the max. While I appreciate the scope of this project, especially the timeframe of release, I do not believe it holds up today. I'm glad it inspired numerous other projects, because it takes one good idea to make the future better.