this often you know imagine waking up and feeling homeless in your own home looking around and nothing feels like it used to we did me helps divorced men and women and their kids feel comfortable and relaxed in their new space literally go from we to me married to single through the uplifting power and psychological impact of color and design and special guests that i bring on my show to help because we do need a village so having said leslie about the nuts and bolts of divorce you take care of that inner shell i come in take care of the other show why don't we first tell people how do we meet it's kind of a cool story yeah this is one of the on yeah well of mutual friends like dancing yup and started talking about the whole divorce situation how there's need for women that need help with different and so forth and then she mentioned my name to you she said i just thought of this i don't know i see your like all the time when i go down thing because i took up i took up dancing after my divorce and it was a lifesaver and we were just she says yeah i do we did me well you go we did because i have a friend you have to meet each other and so we connected right away and we had a really nice chemistry yeah and the good and the kind of cool thing is cool and not cool that when you met me and i almost canceled you i was i am and was going to a really sad time and you sat there and we met each other because we were conflict how could we work together and we overlap in a good way and you ended up counseling me and you made me feel so much about her was so sweet i mean i think great thing about jodi is that she was very kind and got a lot of empathy genuine caring and so there was an immediate connection that we were like we did we have it you just like started working and now i don't even really have to ask you what you did because you sort of did it with me and it was really thank you yeah because you know i think when you see a need if somebody hurting or they're struggling we're both on the same page in that my thing is dealing with the nuts and bolts of the hard issues of of divorce and you bring to life a brand new chapter and so i think in that moment i could see hey this is my little spot and then you're like hey i'm going to tell you about my thing which is she's in the mazing decorator incredible really incredibly gifted so i learned a few things i hope that you did and i really liked is said to say because  and it was a sad situation but yet i feel really embarrassed and you know who do you go to like that's going to understand your situation right many people and so as i struggle through which every divorced woman does this tremendous amount of fear i was thinking well i have a lively personality i have get up and go but many women feel very very powerless and how can i help what can i do to make them get through this journey and or a financial planner but then after that you're like where are the good resources like you know the resources out there which ones are the good ones you know the high and so yes so i went and found people of the best quality  and and so i you know really have gotten to know them so i feel comfortable when i refer people to them that they're going to get the best of the best and and really why i ended up doing what i'm doing is that i'm really grateful for the good things that god has done for me throughout a really difficult time and and i feel it's not like a responsibility that if we get through really rough spots that we equip ourselves and turn around and help people behind us it's  healing i mean you know this is this is your background in psychology but you know when you can help somebody else there's nothing more healing right when i lost my home of twenty years helping people to create a home again going from a house to  just from going to just the house i'd like to say to a home was really important they were paralyzed and stuck in your doing that you were working on the inner shall we talk a little bit about the show about gratitude and you actually helped me with this and i think i would love for you to talk a little bit about how you help people feel gratitude that they really should had it not like you want want every everything bad i don't think you know what everything's not bad you know it's not but wall that you're going through divorce kind of hits you of negativity and so what i have is a gratitude journal and it's got to be done first thing in the morning because that's when your brain really gets on the track it's going to be on for the remainder of the right right so you get it's almost prime your mind setting is to go into the negative yeah and so you have to force yourself and so that's great about that physical action of writing down all these different things and then almost when you start to knowledge one or two positive things in your life all the sudden you can generate a list you know i've got a warm home i've got a good friend i've got you know a nice puppy i've got a kitten whatever it is it doesn't matter those things help you see that while you feel that your life is really negative in fact there's really a lot of things look look where you are i had another guest plugged in who never i just i don't know we misconnected and if you if i i cancelled you because i was want watch and feeling sorry for myself how my little pity party i would have if we didn't go through this difficult time and what i what would we need to do a one of us would be doing right knowing and almost adversity has forced us to sharpen our minds and our nischelle yeah and to be super creative and so we've come up with this stuff and i think it's an into other women that are truly gifted that are maybe in relationships to really feel it is zero and then now maybe they can see us that we you know we've done with the hard thing and we're continuing to do the hard thing and our lives are changing in amazing ways don't you think that's really cool i think it is really cool and you know when i first try to wrap my head around that stuff i was kind of thinking this is really stupid you know and i'll write it down and i'm you know what it me it's you know it's big it's because it's your it's like it's like you're taking something that's abstract like a feeling and now you're holding a pen and you're writing i'm grateful lesley's on my show i'm grateful that i didn't get in an accident you know because there was a lot of traffic but when you see it and then you look at it again if you were right you were telling me that my house and i'm like yeah and you know what you were right yeah it was not so right and then it feeds into another thing that i really really think is very very important in that self talk so all of that  yeah so often when we're in a marriage that's starting to deteriorate the messages that we receive about ourselves are just really really not very good and we almost we don't even realize that we're  saying things about ourselves like well i'm not very bright or i'm not very gifted or i can't do that like you can and all those words that maybe we're verbal about reinforce what we think about ourselves confirm our insecurities and so my big thing is is that i have a friend or a client that speaking negatively of themselves i stop them and i say listen if you're talking about my friend you're talking about something i care about yeah i need to stop doing that right and i want to hear nothing you say i am great yeah i can do all things but you don't need to put yourself down and usually that's really evidence of the negative self talk that goes on turnley think about we really filter what we say publicly we do we war tax and it's a whole without a body and you start you know i rolling down when you start spiraling down and then there could be a trigger ok something in your day a memory a person a smell or whatever and then it makes you feel kind of crummy yeah and then you start to self talk internally and externally and then all of a sudden you don't know why you're depressed like i was like really happy what happened what did i know i was ready to go back in your day what was the trigger and at that point if you can identify the trigger you can probably see the sequencing of how your thought life and if you're going to see the trigger like say i come to know my triggers right now which we discussed privately if you can see the trigger you're saying that's more helpful obviously because to know is power knowledge is power yes if the trigger is not going away what is the suggestion you could make like if you know that the trigger is going to be there for a while what do you know with the trigger well i mean that's not easy it's so hard i mean every person person who makes you feel awful or takes you back to memories that are awful maybe you time the feeling you know maybe need a little bit of distance outside of that but i think what's very very important this leads me to my third point is that  self talk if you say positive things about yourself just like you know i can do that i'm going to be fine you know it's not being conceded this is just really realistic ways of addressing your capabilities and your value as a person  and that kind of frees you up you don't feel paralyzed by the fear you don't feel paralyzed by the depression and then the most important thing of all as part of my my consulting business is that advocate taking action  out so crucial you can think about it and you do have to write it and you can think about things but if you don't move forward yes it's it's almost like you half baked the cake right you know it's like there's no frosting on the cake you've got to finish the cake yeah it's really really important i'm learning that i'm learning that myself there are things where i i find that i just go you know what i'm just going to do it i'm just this is do it i'm scared  people feel connected because that's when your gifts you're really good at making people feel that they are cared about and you really can get inside their heads here to do that for a crowd i told i appreciate that and that's what you do for your clients to make them feel that way  the inside out right where i can help them from the outside in by creating that space that safe and a sanctuary and nourishing comforting and you're doing that from this way it's like it's like you and i are coming together and then you know like become  same coin yet you know it's very true it's really really and we know what it's actually interesting because what i'm doing actually will lead to what you produce and so if we take action yes we say we need to sell the house which is really list your house you know investigate places where you can live and then your the next piece you know where i'm going to make your space new all yours is your own personal identity so that's pretty cool it is pretty cool i think we have this really  and i think that people have to understand if you guys are listening out there that you know it's not like all of this isn't a cure all but we're components to a larger puzzle you know what what leslie does i hugely important to help you move forward what i do is hugely important to kind of finish that part off as well but like you had mentioned before and i have said this before i only refer other professionals that i you know know that i trust that i like that i've worked with so you may need the financial advisor you know and you may have the person just right for that person that you may need you may need simply a roofer or someone to paint that you can trust in the head because you don't know together what i'm saying is that it becomes a whole we are like we are components were a bunch of pieces that make one big resource reserves that the whole or c and you can pull from it and you can take what you need at what you need it and it's moving you in a positive direction right not in a good right and one of the things we did chat before was just about how our tenants you as women is to kind of sit with the girlfriends and you start as a raising you commiserate and you really reinforce all the negativity and and you did virtually get each other stuck and it's so important it's the opposite of what you said that self talk in the first thing in the morning when you say that self talk that's undoing  know better when you know i don't want to lose that feel terrible worse i feel terrible you know when i've learned to do tell me i mean i think i i know this is a good thing i'm learning at this almost fifty  beautiful day and so that's and how different is your feel great it is an example of what you just said you just gave your own example of how it works and why you say that to clients and then all of it from that point on is a mindset yes it's because you can you can spiral you can spiral out really fast i have i have it depends on what's going on in your life and if you can put the brakes on it by i mean i would have never thought to do a gratitude gratitude journal never it just i could maybe say i might say i'm really grateful about something and you should because that's the like you said that's the positive talk but it's almost like it's tangible when you write it down it's kind of like what i say to my clients if you can if you're in pain right and you say you write it down that makes you feel better my feeling is if my clients are in pain and they can move a coffee table or paint while they're touching something once you touch something it i think it affects the abstract yes  paint the wall hot pink and yes i'm going to write down i'm grateful that leslie told me that hot pink looks good on my wall and i'm grateful that i'm having hopefully lunch after this with yes you  so now you're training your brain to perceive the nuggets in your day so as you go through life rather than see the negativity somebody cuts you off of course as always you're taking right if there's something really good that happens you're like oh my gosh this is wonderful rather with our divorces and stuff we feel really crummy some days but if you are talking about it to the people you're a skunk at the garden party yeah so you got to shut it down and then just say ok well great i've got a couple of friends let me just you know chat with them about positive things positive friends people that make you feel good because you feel talented yes and all those people that are are kind of like second guessing all of your choices and all that sort of thing and make you feel bad there should wrong in your life for them because you have no margin it's joy but you do let's clarify you do have to have be able to have that special friend that when you've just got divorced you can  or three people as confidence yet because your counselor a family member and a friend i have those have three people that you can really really vent to right everybody else you need to shut it down because maybe a friend will be act like they really care but after a while to be like you know this is really old and they're just like it's like dragging a bag of rocks yeah just like your kids jody she's calling again i am not going right god pick two or three people that you say listen i need you is this ok and you know you've got to really be sensitive to them too because they have lives and i think there's a self centeredness that can take place too when you're struggling at a very very deep level you're so consumed with your own stuff i mean if you don't believe in the raw you don't or so other people who are really really write some really really really good point and so i think it's important like for relationships that you are aware that you could maybe be kind of pushing people away and attracting the wrong person yeah yeah or just with your stuff you're just not really really fun to be around anymore and so it's important to ask them questions not always about your life and i think you could say well listen i make a joke about your stuff like well i'm not dead yet i haven't jumped on my god i made myself all that i mean i think that has helped me honestly it didn't even you know mean everything it's always funny i know we all have crap in our life but i always say i always say to my clients if you can find a funny find something funny just find some because there's always whether it's this is going to happen guys if i have but that's ok i think it's kind of funny and again like i talk about finding the funny this was funny and we said this is somebody in my column that has nothing to do with this girl but i am still going to keep doing this i think this is a fun thing to add to the show and maybe of then surely someone will actually call and usha ensure we don't have that much time that's what we do we literally guys we have like three minutes left if anybody does want to call in and ask leslie a question or myself or both of us bed every day this will make you feel good make sure you have no dirty dishes in the sink ever make sure that if you have dirty laundry and it's all over the place even if you don't feel like washing it put it in something put it in the h  we just love it so i don't know the big hurry but i think i think that if we're all going to say something i think you and i are both what we're both saying is to be proactive what we're both saying is to not just think it but you have to but to write it you may be writing it i'm saying move your coffee table here and paint it but you're saying write it you're saying live it i doing that do it do it and i'm doing the same thing i think you see it you can tackle it if you can see it and touch it you can tackle it right right is the same thing what you're saying isn't any different than what i'm saying other than it's a moving furniture i'm making a space comfortable and you're making someone feel comfortable in their own space internally create a new house for yourself like an arrow in 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