loss comes in many foreigners and usually in unexpected ways it can be devastating leaving you facing an uphill struggle to go on with life without someone you thought would always be there but life does go on and even in the deepest despair we c find hope welcome to grief relief with your hosts doctors gloria and heidi horsley brought to you by the open the hope foundation helping people find hope after board i am i've been on the board for almost three years and you served on the board for six years right right and the organization is for those people who have lost children grandchildren and siblings wonderful organization we'll be talking to the executive director allen peterson about the organization and then we have a role in from the national candle lighting which is an amazing event and i think you're going to enjoy seeing the candle lighting and maybe as a result of watching the show today you'll do your own little candlelighting home with your family or next year you'll join a compassion friends national candle lighting absolutely and i just want to say if this organization really changed my life mom because i felt like i was with a group of siblings that have had a loss and that really understood what i was going through and we're also going to have a wonderful cooking segment on here so that you can think of healthy things during the holidays for your family and also if you've got friends who have had a loss we're going to have morford is going to help you to have some great recipes and she has a wonderful cookbook called the best lunchbox ever and you also she has a wonderful website you're going to be able to go on and get some absolutely to my favorite lady what an honor i mean i love doing the show i don't know how many times i've been on the show it's been an honor every telling great stuff that you guys are doing here so much good grief information so what an honor to be ba well now your executive director the come france for this year is candle lighting and the holidays are a tough time for a lot of people are they you know they are and you know people they want to you know a couple sentence answer to how do we cope and how do we survive in the holidays i think everybody just does it in their own way it's difficult we set new traditions and the thing i love about the compassionate friends in this candle lighting service and what it did for me early on after my daughter ashley died in two thousand and one is it gave me a place going into the holiday season this kind of sacred space some place where i could be with her and just focus on her for an evening and i attended my  candle lighting service back in two thousand in two thousand and one in december in colorado out and about seven degree weather but it really helped me kind of feel like i got senator around remembering her for the holidays and being able to be in  a sacred space with her so but it's tough holidays are tough well and i'm thinking that the candle lighting so powerful because you're in this room with over one hundred people and everybody's had a shared experience of losing a family member and it kind pure of life that can do when we light it because it speaks so much it speaks of you know about how we feel about them and so while we're there and on one hand or acknowledging that they've died  we're certainly remembering that they've lived and that all kind of comes together in this very sacred ceremony that we have but i think it's very important ritual i think is so important right for us and i think this is one great way to do it and you look around the room and what do you see here well let's talk about that i'm not alone and we can talk after we get the role and we'll talk a little bit more about the candle lighting but talk about the compassionate friends now here i am and now i've heard them say that it's for parents grandparents and siblings how do i find you well you can find us obviously on the web at the compassionate friends dot org but we are not you know we call ourselves an organization but i feel like we're a family more than six hundred and fifty chapters of compassionate friends are in the united states and you know d we don't we're not we're grief support organization a peer to peer organization where we don't sit down and teach grief classes and that type of thing we just sit around and talk about our kids or grandkids are siblings i've been involved with the compassionate friends since two thousand and one to be the executive director today of this incredible organization is just is amazing because i've gotten so much from it early on i just attended meetings in littleton colorado at the at my chapter in and it was a place every month i could go and just sit down and talk about talk a little bit about my daughter ashley was eighteen when she was killed in an automobile accident august th of two thousand and one at that time i didn't know her and never heard of this organization called the compassionate friends i felt completely helpless hopeless overwhelmed i couldn't imagine how on earth am i going to survive a life time without my daughter i got a letter in the mail telling me about the compassionate friends and i walked in the door that st night and for the st time since she died i realize i'm not crazy i'm grieving and i was with other people who understood my journey and who didn't try to push me you didn't try to fix me they just let me say her name and tell her story and that is so important especially early on in grief because many times are friends and even family they hush you know they're afraid to say the name because they're going to upset it yeah and so the compassionate friends is just an incredible organization or you can go and get help and get support to realize you're not walking the journey by yourself or you can meet other people who when you think you cannot survive this loss you can look at somebody else and go oh gosh you know if you made it six months or one year or five years or fifteen years then maybe i can too but we walk with each other that's what i love about and it's also an opportunity to serve for people who are ready now to move out one of the healing things after year through the you know a year or two maybe ready to move out and serve other people right and make meaning try to make meaning out of the law yeah i have i mean i've been honored to to visit nearly three hundred of our chapters and you know what is amazing it is have incredible volunteers that are chapter leaders they facilitate meetings they serve on steering committees they set up chairs they make the coffee they hug you at the door they sit and listen they put out a newsletter it's their way of honoring with their child or grandchild or a sibling by helping that mix person that walks through the door and that's what's so beautiful about it is there's a healing element that comes when we reach out and help and i think that's a key component of what probably what makes any organization like the compassionate friends work because i believe the healing does begin when we start helping others and so now let's go to the role and the compassion alan  compassionate plans candle lighting because i think it was quite an amazing experience and people will appreciate  we love you your light will shine on for avar we were are our children our siblings our brothers sisters and grandchildren they will live forever in our memories in our hearts and they truly will be our guiding lights we love t there rob so many things that i want you to know saying that i remember you very st time i held a candle in honor of ashley i didn't want to put it out i didn't want to extinguish most of us share that story it's very difficult to think about extinguishing that candle and my dear friend darcy simms i think i heard her say it like this that no light born in love can ever be extinguished and so those of us that have been doing this for a while have come to realize that as you extinguish that candle tonight that you are simply turning on that light in your heart well allan that was amazing the candle lighting is really something isn't it yeah it's an awesome night i get to do that every year on candle light and i went to the national conference of the compassionate friends in atlanta georgia in two thousand and four and for the it was the st big candle lighting where there's one thousand five hundred people in a hotel ballroom and when you're with that kind of energy that many people holding a candle in honor of their children grandchildren their siblings the love that's in the room was so powerful i went back to my hotel room and i wrote that song and i hope a scandal yeah and i play that's the one song i played for my mom i always tell people for record i played it for my mom when i didn't think i thought it was just ok it was just another song my mom looked at me and said listen that is the song you will be remembered for in the grief that i promise you have challenged what proves one thing listen to your ten years ago and he comes to every candle lighting to remember him so what a beautiful thing to have a place to go during the holidays to be able to be with people and have that secret it's a very sacred  said you know what that candle lighting it that's my date with my son every year and i just think should've taken him out on a date to go out and some time together that's incredible ok well you know i want to tell people that they can go to the national conference in chicago this year two thousand and fourteen and you can do this huge candle lighting which is an amazing thing they'll be one thousand five hundred people there and they will light their candles and i national conference you can learn about three feet it's just a chance to connect from with people all over the country it's one of the greatest experiences you will give yourself after and i think dozens of workshops and there's something for everyone here is and it's really wonderful and try to know if your daughter gets a cookbook you're going to be buying some good stuff she will love it i love all this healthy stuff for kids and for families yeah absolutely and what we're cooking here today is really wholesome to i really wanted to focus refilling you know all the nutrients it's really and i know you know what you're talking about because you're a nutritionist right this is good because i think in the holidays we tend to eat a lot of high calorie foods yes and a lot of sugar and then we crash that's right so i like that there's some healthy choices and we have some healthy choices we have a little sweet at the end but it's all in moderation and you know finding that balance is really key so i have here what i call a colorful cabbage salad and i really like to use cabbage because unlike more delicate lettuces it's really hard to hold up really well in the refrigerator and even if once you shred it and dress it it'll still be good for a couple just doused it with some lemon juice so it wouldn't turn brown oh let it go that yeah oh yeah ok lemon and asked offs that browning right away and then some dried cranberries very seasonal and some to toasted chopped walnuts so those are all going to go right into seed even if you dress a can you save it yes that's what i'm saying oh and i will do is i'll get the cabbage and i'll shred it right away and put it in a bag in the fridge and then you know when you're ready to use it shred it but shredded and dressed it will breast or something like that and it's also a great dish to take to a holiday buffet because as you said you know so many recipes during the holidays are really rich and heavy and this is kind of a nice well also you feel like you know you have to get there and dress that or whatever but in this one you can take a good to go and you can put it on the table yeah you don't have to do a lot and i would even say i like to do this maybe an hour before because all those flavors come together and even better you know after a little while marinating was out good that's really the thank you so i want to move on to another vegetable which is i want to talk a little bit about winter squash i think that there's a huge variety of winter squash and i have been saying that one well i think a lot of people are just in general intimidated because you know they all these squashes they're funny shaped in their heart and they're unwieldy and people don't know what to do with them and i really like this one it's called delicate because it's and it's really easy to work with and so i just take it and split it in half cut it right down the center and then i already scooped out the seeds and the little stringy bits and all i'm going to do is roast it so and this is you can see you don't have to obviously you can scoop out but it's perfectly edible i love that with the with the maple syrup and it's pretty i mean now do use a real maple syrup yeah i know you know easy really nourishing you could have this for a lunch you could pair it with some you know some kind of a grain you could even you know fill it with say brown rice or something yeah it is a good idea so i love that i am always stuck for lunch because my husband doesn't love salads and this would be an interesting lunch yeah i have this you could have it with a salad on the side or a little bit of protein and i think because it's the holidays i want to do something a baked good and this is a nice one i really tender and it's really easy to make and i think you know for people who are grieving sometimes baking can be actually really therapy and i think it depends on the person and this is again also something you could bring to someone who is grieving and sit down and have a  coffee and like the small yeah they're small and and that's sort of where you find the balance where you get your sweet but you're not getting a major sugar high and you could obviously have them without any frosting but i have a little cream cheese  kitchen handbook dot com and i write a lot of recipes but i also write a lot of just general nutrition advice for parents and on there there's a whole section about my book you can buy it at local bookstores and you can buy it on amazon this is billed to grief relief show hosted by mother daughter team doctors gloria the horse this show has been brought to you by the open the hope foundation helping people find hope after be sure to visit the hope dot com for you to listen to radio programs swatch open to hope t v read articles a few books you can also join dr gloria dr heidi on twitter and facebook and put your events on their international calendar thanks for watching remember others have been made you ca