in my early twenty's i was working in new york city and so proud of being a young york city business woman sophisticated i was doing cold calls at different businesses and a business man after a presentation invited me out for dinner in a comedy club i had never been to a comedy club i was so excited i did not know that that invitation came with a grape unfortunately after the comedy club we're coming up stairs and he just kept following me to my apartment and each door i kept trying to push him away and finally he just pushed me through the final door and i just i just think you know let's get this variable over with fast as just get it over with i was so demoralized i know the next few days i couldn't even remember what happened who i was i was confused that it was i never spoke of it years went by before i even recognized i was even raped you actually may have saved yourself some trouble and uncle of mine gave me fatherly advice when i was a teenager he told me not to resist when men tried to force themselves on me he said that men like and got turned on when women struggled and resisted their advances one of the cases where a woman is physically unable to say no you mean like when a woman is drug and unconscious  burly gentleman squeezed into my booth the restaurant owner did nothing and that's convinced me that i had to join the tour group i had always travelled alone without a tour the next morning i found up with tour groups and get my hotel but we got to deprive nick i was sent to a hotel across the street because i was the only thing go everyone else was the head double accommodations and the with no single r left the tour guide kept asking me out and i kept refusing him one day we were scheduled for a bus tour of the montenegro area with the temperature was one hundred and ten degrees the air conditioning on the bus was not working and i got terribly sick on the ride the bus driver had to keep stopping for me to heave the side of the bus one of the tourists who was a doctor gave me a got back to my room i locked the door and fell into bed closed suddenly in the middle of the night i woke up unclothed with the tour guide on top of me i screamed and got the hotel manager up even though it was the middle of the night after the tour guide had gotten to my way into my room and he said the guy told him i was expecting him so we gave him the key are complaining to the authorities and to brother nick and to the american embassy no one did anything that killed foreign travel for me my st great because in college without the prelude of a nice dinner out i was at a party at a fraternity house musta been my senior year of college it was in the early one thousand nine hundred and seventy s everyone was drinking and smoking smoking the j of course with abandon back in those days you could still legally drink at eighteen in new york state although as drinking wine pretty freely i wasn't smoking but i do remember feeling a bit woozy and going into the bathroom next thing i know a young man joined me in the bathroom and started making out with me i must have passed out because the next thing i remember is coming to with him on top of me pumping away i remember saying stop stop stop please stop he did and quickly left i pulled up my pants and quickly exited as well i remember my friend gene asking are you all right embarrassed i just said yes later i asked another friend then i think george that i think that was his name gave it to me in the bathroom she said yes he did i don't have any respect for a guy who would do that to a girl looking back later way later i figured somebody must have dropped drugs in my wine spiking your girl's drink is nothing new but i thought that what happened it was somehow my fault on top of it all hesitate to say he gave me a nasty case of the clap i was ashamed and didn't tell anyone but it wasn't until years later that i came to grips with the fact that i had been right funny after all this time i can still close my eyes and see his face but i don't even know of george's real name let's get real i think most men don't give it a nd thought some celebrities cannot imagine that any woman want to turn them down yes i think they're god's gift to the world when i was in my early twenty's i did a low budget horror film the shriek of the mutilated i had the lead role and delusions of grandeur i thought i was going to be a star so when a well known radio and television celebrity introduced me to a gentleman who was supposed to be a manager and he offered to take me to hollywood to introduce me to some agents and directors i was very excited my st clue that something was not right was when he told me that i was going to fly as his wife and i did not like the idea of not being on the planes manifest but the big red flag went up when he told me i'm going to tell the agency you're not a hooker i thought why would there even be a question that was one i didn't like the smell of it so i decided not to go the so called manager was very very upset my celebrity friend later told me i was too nice a girl to pass around so i figured he must have been supplying these agents and directors with girls on a regular basis when i didn't well i might have been stranded in a strange place in a compromise or even dangerous position i got with her back to the one thousand nine hundred and sixty s and i had had loads of press in hollywood because they were grooming me to be you know the marilyn monroe in several newspapers magazines and this exposure because of female santa kind of call my manager several times almost like a stalker finally i did speak to her and decided to meet the person she insisted i should meet my manager was suspicious so he called the f b i wanting to check this guy out they called back and made it time to meet with me and my manager at a diner at sunset boulevard the f b i told us they were searching for this guy and what i hope to catch him i was frightened but well we decided that i would do what i could do and that is when the f b i myself and my manager drove to gather up the strange and winding road to the meeting that we were given the building appeared to look a lot like an old warehouse from years ago and when i got out of the car the others waded right fair in the driveway for me ahmed came towards me and escorted me to this marge entrance when that huge door opened i went inside and looked around it was nobody and then i heard a noise i looked up and there was this strange gentleman and up on a balcony peering down at me suspiciously then his assistance announced my name and as he walked away he shouted up to his boss that was up on the balcony that i had evil waiting for me outside i was so really the boss written off that balcony like a bat out of hell and raced out of the building leave it be standing there stunned until some but he finally opened the door for me to exit according to the f b i this man was kidnapping sort of blonde women for rich foreign benefactors so thank god my kidnapping was finally interrupted by the fact that i was not alone i had protection although i was saved from a things that could have been worse than tats for me anyway the f b i did not get to capture their man that night i have a similar story in one thousand nine hundred and sixty one i was cast in  preprocessed way try out of a play by a prominent american playwright we were at a famous summer theater in upstate new york it was a great company with a couple of big names and the author told me he was pleased with my work his secretary alerted me on a day off that his boss was hosting a party at his home several miles distant and he offered to drive me there and back  of course i said yes we set off after dinner and arrived at the author's house in seventy darkness there was no one there the house was dark and my chauffeur said he had the key i was young but not totally no are you i was alarmed and furious he said we would spend the night i said no i want to go back he said no i told him i would get out and hitch my way back in the dark at that moment i realized how carol and so many other young women must feel in a similar similar situation the playwright secretary finally relented and drove me back in strange silence and witness a director coming on to actors during the audition process during the eighty's i frequently stage managed and this particular year i was stage managing an entire season of summer stock in a theater in upstate new york the director was a member of stage directors and choreographers union and a respected member of the theater community i was astounded when i found myself in the audition room during callbacks and was surprised to hear the director propositioning young male actors in their individual call backs he would tell them how much he wanted them and would try to elicit the promise of rooming together during the stock season i put my head down pretending to be busy with paperwork and feigning not to hear what was going on nevertheless i was just a jerk to say the least and probably should have reported it to the union but i needed the work and was afraid i'd lose the job the climate was not conducive to whistleblowers back then i am still deeply ashamed i didn't have the courage to speak out for those fellas some of them later told me they went along with it as they too needed to work as a humorous side note none of them did room with the director that summer years later i heard that he had been violently murdered at the hands of a trick looking back now i feel sorry for him is that  i was spending the week in fire island one time and i met this very friendly fellow on the beach we started swimming together and avoiding the waves and we had a lot of laughs and very very good conversation and he suggested that we meet that evening for dinner and drinks which i thought was a great idea and we did meet and the dinner was lovely the atmosphere was very pleasant and he said to me why don't you come over to my place for a while i thought ok why not and we eventually made love and right after having made love he said to me ok get up go what do you go sit well i want you to go back to your place well i was shocked i mean he had been so friendly so warm so you morris and this cold statement about that i had to leave him right away after having sex i didn't know what to say actually i was furious but but also surprised well i got up and i got dressed and i did leave and i thought to myself what could i have said to him so i mumbled to myself as i left his place drop dead but you know what i blame myself because i didn't have good judgment but how could i tell chrissie seemed very nice one of bin surprise to for the interview and the producer had me back a couple of times so in the rd or th time when he said well i'm going to have to have you take off your clothes and see your body so i can see how you're going to look for the show mester baiting and then lunges towards my crotch to try to grab it and i just was astounded and i grabbed my dress my little red and blue one piece dress threw it back on r of the door threw it wide open and i said i don't have to take that from anybody left him standing there with this wimpy little tina said you know and would you believe this later on he called me only would last the death of monroe the death of innocence the death of a dream the death of hollywood that's what it all means there allusions are gone and the nightmares begin that faslane where nobody wins glitters vales pathway to fame where everyone is playing the game the game played paved by heart broken desires and lost and sadducee meyer's hollywood land sandy beaches and golden sunsets deep ten cent dark and nights where you will sell your soul for just a tiny bite and the days and the weeks go by and the months and the years fly while you glimpse the brass ring that constantly passes you by in that merry go round fairy land known to the world as t aleutian go get em ladies i'm here to say they've been swine not pearls and i mean that in a radical way you see what goes around comes around and it is finally time to pay it was the forefathers of this country the biggest rapist of them all it all didn't matter because our skin was black so let us fall  the place that black man to be the highest judge so now if you clear up your head it of such and dignified men you will come to realize they are the power structure within a system time and i don't let you keep giving your power to and expect the qualities of life that were not ever in their family dacian to deliver as they spoke the rhetoric of politicians which should be labeled straight up hypocrites their snow job to have power and control over the masses of minds for the collateral reaping of their oh mighty dollar so i warn you ladies in your outing their egregious acts be ready to fight cause these demons on about to let the light now all this darkness raising its ugly head should fill you with fear here's my proposal and i will say it loud and clear and i'll say it loud and clear to all of these men with impunity the politicians the self serving hierarchies of those without self dignity the low life of the cheese mo orientation who feel their worth t raping and brutalizing the opposite sex inclusive of amo sexual bisexual transgender and all other labels given to further alienate and divide us on our earth experience and return to love love evolution let our brain the musicians give the music to soothe our souls lead us to our truth with the frequencies that speak directly to our individual or experience in the dance or lead us in the movements of sheer delight have the of brought us together in venues of shared camaraderie across all notions of definition that seek to terrorists all created a positive implementation to uplift and unite not conquer and divide with all these positive forces being already here  make the ultimate quantum leap love and respect for all sentience existence within the nurturing and healing bosom of our mother earth love equals life equals death if we are to survive as a species it's as simple humans are not the only existing matter in the u for some minutes just all about the sex you're absolutely right about that you know i have out of friend a decent man who happens to be a broadway actor you probably know his name if i said it so i won't and he doesn't understand why you can't just f like bunnies and then go home you get really really annoyed when a woman wanted to hang around after having sex or when the woman wanted him to hang around if he was at her house not they just don't want to have a relationship a lot of the top not all men are monsters i support respect and appreciate women you're right about that were men were like you the world would be a better place that being said sex when is shared in a loving kind atmosphere can be very fulfilling and nourishing however when it's just done for the sake of sex one can feel very alienated and isolated scooped out and left to high and dry periods and that's something that i never want to experience again it all seems to be about the misuse of power privilege and position doesn't it power corrupts privilege and titles position enables and well do you when arches let's give power to the people yes if that means power to the people who need to use it for the greater good no beers and out most of us have had broken dreams or at least an assault of our sense of pro dignity some roughed up some great some harassed over and over really come to expect it until we begin to believe it's normal but it's not normal if we can make it on our own merit not how wide or how often we open our legs or survival we don't want to punish others we just want to live with dignity and with respect some people