back and watch him and then the last thing we're going to do today is talk about what do you do with the anger and i remember i share with you all i don't think of it is managing anger because we're we have feelings the feelings you can not not be angry but it's what do hour and and so now i put pressure in this bottle which you guys agree even though seltzer you can never tell which is sometimes that's my experience with people too you can never tell because they hold their anger kind of quietly inside so it's always be careful but how would you all deal with this bottle of seltzer how would you open it just slowly ok a serbian sink or something i guess or a way over a sink you so kind of be prepared well kind of the same way we would treat this bottle is the same way that i like to treat anger and that is what you want to do is one stop the pressure from building up so with our feeling particularly anger we want to stop the anger from arising out of you've ever had that experience where you were someplace and you could just feel that start in a bubble and the next thing you know it's kind of like and you're like ok you can just feel it taking over your body so kind of the same equivalent first thing without to do is stop the shaking stop the the pressure the level from rising but then the second trick because if i set this back down on the table and i was to leave it there will that pressure go anywhere do you think of thinking it you put that in your refrigerator you can come back three days later and guess what it will still have it still that pressure still going to rely on dinner because the only way the pressure gets out once it's put in  that that way i found when you do it slow you know what happens is still and up with a mess so if we just do a quick little slows and we let all look at all there are records that we put in there right now you can start to see it kind of start to bubble up and that's what we're going to talk about right here right now with anger because a lot of people they kind of get this wrong they only do the one step so let me ask you all this and we ever had a situation where you knew that you better turn around and walk away or you were going to say something you would regret all that aren't all that much and so you're kind of having this discussion with somebody and you say ok i better walk away so you walk away but then if you don't ever walk away and do something to do this guess who happens it's still there and it's going to come up so that's what we're talking about today and so the idea of this is and i got two different markers it is two step process you can't just do one step all right so i want to put this one here first and these are going to be what we call stock so that start the level from rising the other one we're going to do is actually what we can or just did with this model is that once it gets there guy release that make make a little bit of sense and so here's what we're going to do i want to get you to brainstorm  what are some ways that you can stop it but i'm going to give you a secret here it's everything that can be passive and blindness and then what we've got to do for  release is anything active right here ok so what is something that you can do to call me down that is very passive doesn't require any muscles or entering in or g so carry we're talking now like we're in green here yeah yeah and these maybe you use these tools when you're not you probably use them all the time as well you know for other emotions so let me ask you a question i'll go with mine first the have you ever were what we just did was turn around and walk away to me i call that a a timeout you know like just stepping away from the situation so that it doesn't make any more kind of frustration or anger or whatever what other call me kinds of things that you have  know what you just described or change change your thoughts yeah right it goes to our brain doesn't require a whole lot of energy let me ask you this if we are ever counted to ten no some people do some people don't you know but a kind of like one of the tools i would teach my patients is you know a silent count you know two you know to ten or five or whatever  airliner does it have been right in the moment as this sometimes if you walk away that can really get the other person a little abner absolutely which is why walking away without words to have not work we're going to talk about communication one of our next you know sessions and that what we're going to come back to that because i think that's an example a lot of people deal with where you don't want to say anything you walk away but then it kind of pisses the person off the air more because he didn't say anything there so other music l yes yes yes and i'm so glad you said listening to music all right because that just requires your ears you know doesn't require any any movement of your body see to that this bottle out right it requires movement of my body in order to do this so that's why we put out on the release side but it's just a call me things to things we can do to call more selves down all right so do you have candles things sometimes people use essential oils me i got a little candle on a at the hospital you couldn't light candles so i bought one of those a little electric burners and it heats up my candle in fact i was just listening to it now  i had a horrible boss you all the one thing that she gave me was sage and citrus by yankee candle oh one of my favorite sense but i think i think finding out sometimes we got a lou a little investigating what works for us you i was going to say something like that because i think our one of the really powerful tools we have is is our mind right and using that to work for us and in fact this is a side note but when i was selling my condo you know what i read to do put a little vanilla on a cookie sheet and put it in the oven on warm summer and the smell would actually kind of encourage people to buy my house for i don't know i'm not a realtor so you know i just play one on t v stating yeah but  so can you think of like any other so how about this how about breathing right jesse even taking in you know kind of breathing exercise it could be a square now have you all ever done a square breathing oh  no particulars what you want to do is count to four so if you breathe in you would count in your mind one two three four then you pause and in your mind you count one two three four you exhale the same count one two three four and then you pause again one two three four and what happens is it kind of like so you breathe then pause out pause so that's why they call a square breathing and you can say the numbers as fast as you want so if you're not a good heavy breathing know deep breathe or you can just count real fast but the goal is to count the same numbers the same speed and yeah and you count the same you know the same four count is a real good count to use so yeah that's where breathing how about visualization you ever tried that is a tool you know how i would like if you can't get less yes kind of using your mind again and using that best tool that we have if you know if the shore is your place to go kind of just going there in your mind i was thinking in a what you're describing is really important is an anchor you know something that anchor says down to that kind of like so when that storm of emotions whether it's upset or anger rage frustration disappointment we can have that one little kind of thing it could be a picture or it could be a little book for my patients at the hospital i used to give them a little index cards and one of the things we would do is when we had somebody that they had to go to court or go to something that was really kind of upsetting experience we would put we support you on one side and we put all our initials on the other and they knew where the person that folded up and put it in their pocket and they always had this little anchor back to some kind of calming time rather than this really overwhelmed sort of time you also said i want to get it up there because just in case somebody is sitting at work i think that's what makes pictures so important about when you have a work environment and you can have a couple pictures around i think people that work in places where you know i guess what works for some people on the job is going to be one of the places it's going to test you know your kind of your anger and your frustrations skills yeah and then and then well this one kind of goes over on the active side but what i was going to say too it doesn't require a lot of muscle but even if you can just make yourself smile believe it or not research has shown that when we just force force a smile it changes the chemistry in our brains and if you can do that so don't laugh but this is what i once heard a coworker therapist teach me she would have the patients doing it she'd have to take a pen you know because they were really depressed so smiling was kind of hard to do and she made him go like this and if you think about it it kind of works the corners of the mouse to go oh yeah good thing i know you won't touch and it's harder but does this make sense how these are kind of combing things so they stop the level or you know the other picture i like to use a light is if you've got a tub and you turn the water on and you split it up you know what's eventually going to happen  water rises and rises it's and eventually going to overflow right but what happens is if you just shut the water off that's not enough because my brother would have done this to me he could have come along turn the water back on and next thing you know it's still overflow and that's what happens when we walk away from people we start to level but if we don't walk away and do the second part the net means it all i might come up to you and ask you a question the next thing you know i'm causing the spill over you know so that's why two steps is really important so so now let's switch gears we've got to stop and now i want you all to think about things that you do that are healthy kind of releases for you much muscle are you using with a phone i think phones belong over here on the press of don't don't you think like you could watch a youtube video where you could i can take my boss and i've done it at work and i wrote a letter i could just write a letter all out on paper what i could never say face to face but then i destroy the paper because the goal is not to piss other people off the goal is to take it and just ear if that makes sense is a really good troll do if you can't fall asleep at night you know cause you're replay or things going on in your head so how on reading and i have that i have to share that you know there are times when i mind i balls don't require a lot of energy so but your kit changes you because you stop you stop it from getting any worse i actually tend to always put reading over on this side if that makes sense because because you can be one that this i want to ask of this makes sense because where do we put it we put music to not write it down humans are listening to music over there oh ok so so we have the listening to music which is the call ming but by releasing taking some muscles and making them release some of it you can do it dancing you can do it singing you know that works there's another one i think about because i could be dancing around the house or sing and around the house i don't know if this works  being active here is that make sense there again it's like yeah we took this spot off so to keep the pressure from building up to stop shaking which is this side this side has to be those little releases to let it out once it gets in there and cleaning and again i want to say this not all of these work for everybody that's why it's important to get to know yourself and know what works for you whereas your other of years i could ever remember anybody saying cooking and it makes sense because you are active too and if that's something that you like to do got got any other things that you do you know can think of i say don't read it right away this because when you write it all right this it we can't use your phone could just put little buttons doesn't matter but when you're writing what happens is you you take it out of your brain you kind of put it on the paper but when you we're doing is you all basically me to others if nobody really has said those two before in the years that i've done this in my hospital groups you know and i think which great is it it applies it apply to a lot of people that's a great thing to do you know if you're angry at home go put a lot a lot you know go put a lot of laundry in or start vacuuming start moving around i was thinking just the other day and it was anger mixed with sadness was for me it was a little different it was raking the leaves you know i mean you can only do that so many times of the year but for me it was just being outside and i guess is even if just getting outside you know kind of move i should put outside here on this side because you never notice if you change the environment that you change you know so i want to go outside here excellent excellent  put shoveling snow out there and again this is for some people that everybody know that this is going to work for everybody on this list and i said healthy because you want to know one unhealthy way people tend to think that they're dealing with their anger yeah yeah and kind of what eating does is it just kind of or covers up or drinking you know or smoking but you know some of those unhealthy people might tend to find themselves not saying it doesn't work you know in your mind but physiologically if that makes sense you know there's not enough energy being expended to go try to that some of it out i don't have any more the kind that you guys came up with a pretty darn good list here looks like we've got like a few more a v than we necessarily do those but what i did was i put together two two worksheets for you to hand out and let's we're going to take a look at them and if anybody's watching the show they also have access so here is to let me give you both give her both of them a put them together in pa so if you look at the first one what it's going to say is stop the level from rising and so both of these handouts i have at the end of the show where you can go get them but if we look at this eyes and you picture a big old stop sign in your mind so that it just brings your thoughts to a complete stop just like it's trained to do in a car it kind of do that with your mind what about this mental foxhole well the foxhole is kind of a one minute so harry truman did that in the white house and it's like a guided imagery for one minute you close your eyes and you imagine yourself in the most call me place it would be and you invoke as many of the senses as possible so let's say it was the beach and what i would do is i would feel the same and maybe it was hot sand maybe it was wet sand then i could feel the mist maybe on my face i could hear the seagulls i could picture the beach with nobody on it but me because i don't know about you all but that's how i liked it and any i knew it and even hearing the waves crashing and so it's called a mental foxhole because you kind of cline there in your mind for just one minute to just take a break from everything i like isn't it and then the reframing is again kind of gets back to what we've said about sots it's taking in saying ok don't take it personally harold's not about you you know they're having a bad day i mean that would one way i would say they're having a bad day or the other thing is it is what it is because sometimes we can make ourselves angry or kind of fueling our fire thinking about what it is the shower the bath and then we got you know the self care which is kind of things that we've talked about but it's really taking good care of yourself a massage quite honestly that might be a massage because you are expend anyway energy you know getting the massage version giving it does but that might be another and then if you take a new look at the next sheet so it's got a whole nother list of ways to dump what's there are yeah yeah so let's just will kind o walk talk through these are we got talk right at that scream in a car because i actually had a patient at lunch hour he would get so frustrated at work that he would go out to his car he would have all the windows rolled up and just or i had ladies it do that in our backyard but it's because she you guys got the cleaning part but you don't oh wait i lied cooking on there i don't think i've ever had anybody come up with it though that said it themselves we had or boxing so if you don't have a heavy bag don't you know which you may not think requires but it does require a lot of muscles not a lot of movement but it requires a lot of muscle to hold some of those things calling someone you know what picking up the phone and talking to somebody or i used to have the empty chair method which is a little bit further down where you could kind of have that conversation with the boss or your whoever it was you'd never want to say those things to their face so say it in a conversation you know that's between you and the chair or the empty chair method the other one i got here is splitting wood you know if you're in a place to be able to do that which i like the cleaning you know kind of is a good solution to that and the laundry and then the other thing i got here is tearing up a phone book and that's actually a strategy we used to use in my women's program where would happen is if you take an old phone book and you grab a bunch of papers you really got to use a string to rip the pages out and so it's just another way of creating a release now what's really important about the steps though is this you don't want to release until you've done the stuff first there's research and shown that people that punch a pillow you know when they're angry just makes them angrier and if that makes sense they never stopped it so they just added fuel to the fire you have to take this step first and then once you stop it you want to take one of the steps to release it or dump what's there i made  of excellent excellent so i guess with that it kind of brings us to an end i want to thank my guests again because without you all this this would not work if you want to know where to get these worksheets you can go to well university  dot com forward slash t v and it or come up on the screen and then if you have a problem or even a question you can send me e mail it carol at wells university dot com and we look forward to bringing you some more tools and until next time here's to living well today