coach and she's helped hundreds of thousands of clients unleash their passion and inner power alaina chapman is here with us today to really go to the heart and the meat of something that everyone really should think about beginning again welcome lena thank you so much for discussing this with us thank you for having me and i'm glad to be here what is beginning again mean aha giving again ok when you lose a job when you are getting divorced or are now at a crossroads of where one cycle of your life is stopping and a new one is starting some people turn sixty and think i've had people tell me this at sixty they think can i really do i have the  did at thirty to really get going again that happen you're right and what is it and what do you tell them i tell them of course you can write of course you can and what if you live to your one hundred twenty and it's true it happens more and more that people are living past one hundred and so what if you're one of the ones and you're going to just putz around that all the time no you can do it again that's why i it's actually a friend of mine who is sixty two this is an really see that she has the strength and the confidence and the ability to move forward is what's the conversation we would say in our head to start over when we may have kind of like a defeatist approach how do you get over that  i have a second chance to do what i want what is it i have a second chance to do what i want what is it what is it and start that way ok ok so how about to get yourself moving in a better direction so you never end up in another abusive situation because you know there's a lot of people of repeat that cycle yes they get away from one they got themselves back with another one so you need to get somebody who believes in you with you on your side where you don't have to and i don't you everyone have to find someone and it can be someone professional or it can be a friend but i'm telling you why it's because it's very easy when times get tough for you to think man at least i didn't have to do this when i was with him or her or i didn't have to do this and you find yourself regressing and you will have regressing days it's important to have that other person to say wait a minute i believe in you i know you can do this i'll help you let's sit down and write this out or let's let's go get some ice cream and talk about this so our friend or somebody who's going to be our accountability to help you through those steps some they call it tough love the tough love yeah you do have a not quite that way no it's more about being there when you're just not feeling at your best when you're feeling weak bolstering you up bolstering you up and helping you realize that you really can do this and it's very big for somebody who because when you're in an abusive relationship that person i guarantee is extremely charismatic oh that's a good and very valuable somehow how did you start into that relationship that's a very yeah because they're very very charming and they come with the flowers and they come with the beautiful excuses and they come with a lot of love love they're very charismatic so you need that support more than anything ok what about getting past and going and just beginning again after of ideas say someone who's been abused by someone they weren't a relationship if you were just reply a stranger or physically and or yeah basically anger anger which is posttraumatic stress yes or yes and also depression you know it can lead to a lot of things and you really really need to get with a professional you really need to to help you process  because the the thing is when something like that happens you are attacked and it's it's abrupt and it's harsh so that means the feelings that you have you may have never had before and that movie is playing over and over the sadness why am i on this earth the depression starts in just the fear the downright fear of going anywhere by yourself anymore you need professional someone professional to help you process through all of that and i would not say anything more about that that really means a profession and i'm pretty sure that comes with the whole concept of lowering your self esteem to be what did i do to deserve this wow your tardo what's a professional that we should you so much should seek if they're in that kind of trauma analysis c w psychiatrist a mentor a coach a way i know saw no no i don't think a coach is qualified i really don't i would not take one on to do that i've helped abused women i've helped them to go out but when it comes to an attack that is like a rape or things like that you need a psychologist you need someone who's going been trained to deal with that kind of trauma and going back to a time for just a second sure that happens much more to mend and women because i think i've heard someplace that men far more associate who they are as a person with their livelihood their occupation so i've actually heard many times that when a man time when women have you know lived careers and a lot of people to hide their identity into their career ok so when you do that you you win it all the sudden it's gone they think what else is there but that's why i say you have to say i have a second chance what do i want to do with it used to dreaming perhaps right and visualization of the nation yet could take time and go sit under a tree allow yourself and there's a way to do that because some people have forgotten how to dream and guided meditation you know guided meditation or just go out and start allowing your mind to go as far fetched as possible i mean you're on the moon i just go that far fetched right and then the next time you go out it'll start raining itself in all by itself you don't have to do it and before you know it you'll start coming up with ideas that are very viable and start dreaming about that and when one hits that's a very viable that you think i really like that just so you are reading meditation oh gosh yes yes meditation is fantastic it's a great way to to look within yourself it's a great way to heal it's a great way to gain perspective yeah and i believe in visual i even journeying meditations are absolutely fabulous gentle transcendental and when you get explain with a chance and then sometimes asian dental is in the book actually oh i don't know i have the whole i have a whole chapter of meditation and i talk about meditation arms when it comes to moving you know because some people can sit still and i have some  not transcendental is it gives you a profound peace and a centered this and a look within it is a very profound way and it's done with the with the starting of the breathing ok now there are others journeying is actually where you feel yourself going to another place even and that's another type of and then it is even yoga or yoga  is a type of meditation you do with yoga so there are all that and i haven't have a friend who does the labyrinths and liberation through the whole thing through yeah yeah and she does a meditation through there so there are all sorts of ways to meditate and to find out when when you do the meditation and you really calm yourself and just day or to discover you'll discover what you want to do you'll discover a lot about yourself and  hear from people out there who may try some of these techniques as long as it was my email and yet you know and yeah yeah i do do the email yeah i would love that too i love to hear stories of anything i would like us to wrap up by one quick know years and yes yes and they're not moving on yeah so that's when it takes a friend or a daughter to or a son to to go in and help them and help them see what they can do and it's not easy because their prison you're actually changing their perspective too to that guess what you are living on improving their perspective improving of course and that they can move on and you know a good way if you can get them to start going out with friends more and more with friends that really help the kids cherish every day of your life it is time is the most valuable probably we have precious it's a gift and that what i think if you asked your parent to get beyond their crisis with moving on we are so fortunate that you have come back to educate our viewers on something that i believe everyone has had to deal with the death of someone you love and i think the problem is a lot of people don't address it they cry they figured i'll just get over it and then they hope they do what is the right steps or even the concept of grieving well everyone has their own way to grieve and i would say there are right steps or wrong steps to grieving is how you feel but if you're finding that you are grieving a long long long periods of time or that you're having trouble a long period it your life profoundly for of period of time where you're starting to lose friends or not get out of the house when you find yourself getting isolated now a little bit of that will happen in grief but when it's  longed and you're starting to suffer from it what friends are asking where are you that's not a good sign what is a normal period of time that that's ok to jail but the actual and house any gosh you know i've seen people do it for a week i've seen people do it for a month it depends how people grieve in different ways some people don't even cry if you know how about after is it ok to not cry yes cry it'll be funny it might pop out when you're doing something else you might be watching a movie you might be shopping and all the sudden you'll start to cry and that's ok it might be on their birthday whatever but you don't have to think you are abnormal because you're not crying is this something we should say to someone that morning that you we feel is mourning a little too long are there ideas to pep them up or an activity they can do you know the first thing to do is just be just or are for someone who is grieving and lost some a perfect and then they'll come up with all these different organizations there's grief something dot com there's a bunch of them there's a bunch how is it different if you've lost a parent so you're an adult and you've lost your parent versus if you lost your spouse or their peace suddenly or over a prolonged illness as is a different grief for different people in respect of who their last depends on the relationship they had to you know with these people there's a lot of factors that play into it and say you were very close to your father but you weren't so close to your husband well then you're going to grieve your father more than you will dream of the husband who died you know it it makes total sense this is not a mystery so but in our mind we shouldn't say something's wrong about the way i feel we should blame ourselves for the way i feel we have to be ok with my ex you know the friends i'll use myself as an example when my dad died i want my stepdad twelve awesome wonderful that i love and i have to say i didn't cry at the the funeral ok but why didn't i cry because of my view of past life passing over is a lot different tha many other people i don't feel right and i feel like that our spirit lives on and i think it lives on everywhere and i know that if i just love myself to feel it i can feel her energy and that's not denial that's just the way your belief system right that's much more resilient than some other frame where all the other they're going to go get judged yeah then you get scared are they in heaven or are they healthy i don't think that way the other thing i don't judaism there's no no you for the person who passed over that's a nice idea i think that it's all consciousness where you go really more than anything and i've done research on i really have because i was curious and when i'm curious i do research but i also feel that when you know both my my father and my stepdad were very sick and for me to want them to suffer to live longer in that condition i just can't do it i know that they're at peace now you know so you have to when when some one is grieving sometimes i don't want to get selfish but sometimes we don't see what the situation really was that that this poor person had been suffering with cancer for a long time or with lou gehrig's disease and actually had a terrible suffocating death you know we should look why would we look into wanting them to say we have to look at the glass half full then we have a look at the positive yeah in every circumstance yes but that doesn't mean that you're not going to miss them and it doesn't mean you're not going to miss the things that they used to do with the house habits we more and habits more than anything in the world no that's and we more and they have it so yes you'll be fine until you go to make the dinner for one you'll be fine until it's time to go to bed and nobody's beside you you know what i mean those those are habits we mourn those habits we have to realize it's happens that one morning we have it's just keeping things and that's a great awareness i never thought about the habits or what we're attached to yasser very much so and so you have to take steps to change the habits ok so i'm really curious about something there is i think somewhat of a controversy depending of also religious beliefs between cremation and burial with you know different ever goes away so it doesn't matter is actually inside a clock do you have to actually make a decorative clock to put on a fireplace mantel for example or the shelf and you never knew that behind the face of a clock is the plastic yeah and then you may feel they may feel very comfortable having the remains on their mantle or in a clock or growing a tree or going to the cemetery if there's somebody who's going to move there might not want them in the cemetery you know what i mean it all depends on the person as far as religious belief i can't i can't say what's right or wrong that is your faith and i respect that totally however but the goal is what i'm hearing is what are you ok with memory i know i tell my boys i say you know what first of all i don't want everybody just coming to awaken everybody serious i want to party be happy for me and then i said and i would like to be cremated i said you take my ashes and all three of you have to go to lake champlain if it's still not against the law and spread my ashes but go three together because you all be in different places and if you notify it would be a very idea well i also want to go back for a second for someone who's loved one just passed away yes i heard about this stages of grief you know of any of that with us now i don't necessarily go to the stages of grief but i know that the stages of grief have helped many people and this is a real i mean is that really you know come about inside a dimple i've heard that one of them is anger denial lots of people my mother she goes through that she she has had up i thought it was kind of funny at first but she went through what she wasn't feeling well and that she just made this one comment on the car she said well i don't know why they're not here to help me  syrian you know just just allow yourself to feel that energy they're here and she said no but they're not here taking care of me and i said i said well you could do best if you open yourself you will feel the comfort of them  and if you open yourself you may gain knowledge but you have to have the clarity and but we like to blame we like to it's just her way of grieving and letting it out in anger form and you do you do that but for me to sit there and say you shouldn't do that is not that help the situation i can help her process and think of it i can plant the seeds that there is an alternative but she still have hired her to think of it in a different way in a positive way and then she has a choice and that's what you can offer people a choice always so if you are going through a grieving process or if you love someone who is do you believe in support groups or getting a coach or mentor such as yourself is real you get help or does it just go away by itself and eventually you come to terms of the you just move on what's really necessary i think you know now i find that the people who just want to move on don't do it so well they they just are having more problems with it than most but they shove it down and it comes out like with my mother why are they here so if they can't if they can't speak about it have a conversation seriously about their right their loved one than th some obstacle that they may need to get through yeah it worked out in case a mentor you were saying is someone i can help you discover these things about yourself yes and mentors is the one good thing if you're one who doesn't like groups  my mother you don't like to go to the groups a mentor is wonderful way because a lot of mentors including myself have ways for you to process it that you don't have to go out of the group but you're talking and heard communicating and you're writing right so you're inside as a mentor is at a much higher level than someone that doesn't have the experience to get through this i understand exactly what experience exactly because god yeah yeah  all i love that yes when we also help you find the direction to move on we don't just leave you at that point that's the one thing and you have so much more to offer i mean  in this one area but you're probably thinking how can i make this person's life exeunt it has stabbed at the same time moving on and the mentor that i would want i would want not just to have expertise to get out of my grieving but to kind of springboard me into happiness and show me show me this that that future that i could have and actually believe in me thank you well i'm not want i really appreciate that you came to help us because  hasn't known someone or they themselves lost someone that's very dear to them that they love with everything in their being and then if it hasn't happened yet they might need to reach out to someone to help them or reach out to some mentor or someone to help them through the process or someone they love so let this be a way for you or someone you love to get