testing them but what i want we have i want to talk about this is you guys are both months and if you're a mom actually if you're a parent although it has to be moms teacher a nurse anybody that is a care provider i have found there's this quality amazing quality ninety seven percent of people have it called self lessness you are really good at taking care of other people and don't find out till it's here's the thing i want to tell you a little bit where i came up with this idea it really came so for twenty five years i worked in hospitals teaching people skills and i had a group therapy i was running and i remember having a mom young lady she you know was kind of maybe thirty five i remember her she had eighteen year old daughter so she and she had a very young and then she had a seven year old and then she had her daughter's granddaughter at home and she was taking care of and i remember saying to her wife is one thing that you're going to do for you tonight i hear you saying what you're going to do for everybody else what are you going to do for you he's going to get i got to get the kids fed i got to get a bay you know i got to get the oxygen mask that's what i was taught i worked in women's trauma programs and so that was really what we used was when you drop the mask drops out of the airplane and you're traveling what do they say to you if you're traveling with small kids or an adult who needs help put first yes so i explain this to my patients in the group and i said to her and she said oh no i would put it on my kids first and i remember like what like that doesn't make sense and i said well let you want to be alive and the kids are going to live but they're not going to have their mom because they're not going to be able to help you so i was really curious so i said to her why not what what would what would make you do that i said what would stop you from putting a mask on yourself first you know what she that's why they tell you that's why they tell you mom's put it on yourself first and in a split second when she said selfish i thought you got to come up with some so i made up this word selfishness and i said no when you're taking care of yourself so you can be there to take care of other people that is called self mess when you want other people to do what you want them to do that's called selfish and so that's where it came is if we don't start taking care of ourselves and and so that's what we're going to talk about you know i kind of want to give it really basically give some of the main points of what i wrote about because those are the tools so the first one is that it's not being a more put this word appears selfish but we're going to cross that off and put self ness and that means this self care is so important of i was just a caregiver support group and caregivers like for older parents or for you know kind of children special needs this stress doesn't go away and if you don't take care of yourself you know what you won't be there to be able to take care of anybody else so first tip they all remember anything from a book what key there's three keys that i teach to practice in good health care we're not stopping our david is key to what he got is the right tools so you to raise your hands if you've ever taken a knife and used it as a screwdriver your hands if you've ever used duct tape to fix something right and so to me those are things we grab because we need a quick fix right where people have that in life too and there's a couple tools people grab that work but they don't work really well so when you think about food for me i used to use food as a way of when i stopped playing basketball food was my tool you know to kind of take i see it was seeing care of myself so i drive the kids right i used to drive a van for a program i drop all the kids off i swing by the c v s and pick up a chocolate bar this is my i deserve this is i'm taking care of myself that's what i used to say but the problem was it the more stressful the days got the bigger the chocolate bar you know and then it took on a life of its own and that's kind of the thing do you guys have any survival tools that you kind of given up or used to just kind of you said it was in the name of self care but it really was more of a problem maker than it was well or given up i would say the shopping oh yeah yeah and shopping is i'm so glad you said that because i think that's another food in shabwah or i think the two most common ways that i have found it's a distraction like yeah it and i have to tell you sometimes it's enough to get me out of a deep place and you know let me ask you this does it ever take on a life of its own though you know like because that's where these tools get it's had the truck i did you know years ago we have yeah and so now where you've been able to do is kind of manage it a little bit better so it's a little bit healthier for you yeah and that's really important because if we can learn from where we've been you know what that's really important so the key number one for me to self care is that you got to use the right tools and if you think about it that was why we've been doing this show it's to give people the other right tools we've talked about stress we've talked about anger we've talked about communication you know and so all of those other shows we've done and i'm saying this because if you haven't seen our other shows guess what you've got to go look at they will give people some better tools and it's having the words to say you know even when we kind of said how do you say no you know well i have it works to say no so you can say no because that's even self care to me being able to say no is a very important software tool and some of these other tools not the same tool works the same for everybody you know and i'm the only one here wearing glasses so let me tell you what i what do those little itty bitty screwdrivers at home because if i went in took a big screwdriver to these glasses would it work now now and let me ask you all this do you have a regular screwdriver home like a flat head do you have a phillips satin yeah and it just right there there's two you know two different kind school brother screwdrivers and they're different sizes so my point being is it we don't have a lot of tools right  i was twenty years old i worked in atlantic city bartending as a cocktail waitress and she said you know what most of the ladies kind of had you know kind of big big breasted women she said i didn't any so one of the waitresses took me and every day i we would put duct tape in and so she taught me to stuff stuff my brazil or my outfit with duct tape you know and that was how she used it but the funny part was she said when she paid the toll to go to work here she was you know kind of presenting in one fashion and then when she would be coming home from work where she's taken all the duct tape and it's in the back seat  and i had to do for two months because i didn't have any money so actually we did our money matters we could have included duct tape and or money but eventually the duct tape wore through and i had to really replace the whole thing you know and it was worse because i was stranded again so he number two is you know i have a solid foundation and here's what i mean by that and this was even one of our shows memory talked about a building and how it has four corners or a chair and has four legs you know and has anybody that really is a caregiver i think it's critical that they keep those foundations so one example i hear about in the book is well well first off if you have a health issue even more important you know like if you have a chronic health issues that you have to have a foundation because what happens is as the ever notice if you were busy taking care of other people what happened to you oh if you start to get run down there in the air here or i don't know if anybody knows anybody has diabetes  listening to music ok now how about the gas kind food prices and you know business because that's really for a lot of people that's another kind of corner foundation of it my staying well is required it requires that medication right and so if i get so busy taking care of other people and i forget to take my medication or that doesn't serve me well either and  in our structure because that to me is one of the other really important things because do you guys plan out your days at all ever i there's things that are included always so you have your set routine youngcare like yeah when i'm building and you know for the day and then there's other things that could go on the you know the extra thanks but no i definitely was structure from the beginning of the year and i think that's one of the other lines in a row to your you know is kind of is it keeps us focused here rather than kind of getting all over the plane and when you're really depends on the kind of caregiver you are guess what you're going to nepal over here at least you know at the hospital and i can't tell you how many nurses i talk to that they get so busy on their ships that they don't even eat which i get that because i worked at a hospital for twenty five years but if you don't put any gas in the tank what are the it was really like a protein drink like some kind of fuel to match what if you got a li here where her marriage is very yeah that was me when i was a kid growing up because we had a lodge right and a bass lake california and bath lake is right outside you so many national park and we had a lodge so we had cabins we had campsites kind of different world there so so the foundation what i want to tell you guys about is i actually had a coworker who was a nurse and he ended up he taking care of his parents they ended up he had to like increases care so he started having to go there every day you know to take care of his parents who were in their home well that meant that he stopped going to the gym it meant that he stopped taking care of himself he stopped going to support group and what ended up happening was you know hospitalized for his diabetes because he was unable to take care of himself and it and it snowballed to the point where it was too far gone that he needed hospitalized for that and then i had another student actually who or social work student who went to work at a job a community mental health agency and she got so busy like this is what she went to school for so she was really excited to have the job but then it got busy and so when she got home at skipping lunch next thing you know she was in her doctor's office with migraines and so it is important because if we have a chronic health issue that we need to manage selfness is required to manage that and if we don't we could have if you don't take care of yourself you know sort of peace and then there is he number three and that is i call it be aware of your thoughts right that's huge the negative like the negative thing is go like net in the passive so much harder  one of the things i like to do is and it's interesting i want to flip the page here because there's two things i want to draw your this is really what if you could see that picture and then all right the first is what i like to teach is this is a t v all right and so there's you know kind of some show going on right up there are a have you ever watch one of those channels  it can't stop we can't stop our thoughts right it's more like our mind is more like this t v and you can have one picture going on up here all right or you can have this going here the difference is where do you focus now you said it's not good because it distracts you i would say that's what happens to you in your brain too you know that sometimes a positive in a negative gets distracted they get all kind of like jumbled up which makes it harder to kind of focus on the positive and negative that it was such a good growing and and here's what i love to teach people this whole thing around being mindful what it is is deciding what are you going to pay attention to what part of the t v are you going to watch are you going to watch i watch e s p n and warning and i'll be honest with you sometimes i'm watching this you know and then sometimes they have it run across the bottom you know and i purposely will either look up here or look here but i don't kind of go between because i've kind of practice that kind of that focus or that attention so that's all we can do when it comes to our thoughts is decide and work on nothing is easy to work on where we put our attention at and i say do you put it on the positive or do you put it on a negative too often in the negative end and it's almost easier it absolutely is easier so let me give you this this other way to think about it so you're in a plane right now thing i told you guys is tell me bottle just before you're in a plane and auto pilot is set to fly from new jersey to florida to go to disney world but we decide we want to go to disney and les and the gate you don't know where that is in anaheim california so the autopilot where we have to do is we have to override the autopilot put our hands on the little steering wheel and steer towards california well take your hands off and guess what happens well correct back to florida because that's the our pilot if we want to get to a different place it means we have to work and take what being mindful means is catching that and then taking hold of your thoughts and saying no care ok that's not right you know and here's how it thing i would say this is how i always catch myself you finish this sentence and say it out loud it could be worse and then say what it could be worse so like the storm we just had you know it was painted but you know i know somebody whose flights are canceled i said well it could be being negative but even when something happens i train myself to say it could be worse and then say it out loud because saying out loud tapped into another part of your brain which is your ears and if you just think something it doesn't work and thinking doesn't work out of every groove you guys it's but if you think about this is your brain right and so thinking is is here but what is the other two search so if you think positive for the rest of your brain is a negative where you going to be too negative that way a positive right when you say it it makes it's another part of your brain positive and then if you really want to get good you could write it out and it makes it become positive so it kind of steers your brain towards the positive and away from the negative and it is working absolutely but the more you do it it becomes  plasticity in making you know neurons positive neuron yes no and it really is that we lay down these things and i'll tell you the picture i heard of that was in boston where you should be all open that the co walking just by the way the cows walked through the fields it made these paths and so those paths got worn into the lane and they just pay those paths over and that's how kind of our brain works too by doing something over and over and over again or i don't know if you're hoping are really all marble stairs go to capitol health in trenton and climb up the steps the old steps and when you go to take a step on the marble it's worn redirected and one way i come up with is to say this out loud it could be worse you know and that those these are the tools that we can kind of used to do that and then end it i have one other thing i like to say is sometimes we can get lost in our brains in the future nine or work or of has ever happened to it in the past and if your future or in it if you get lost if you're not in today your brain will be saying or you will be saying the word is what if this happens what if it snows what if we lose power you know what if it snows two feet like they said it's going to what if this what is that right or or the  absolutely and i know so my it's just so sad that year after year whenever i talk to this person he is still in the pattern here and so he's he's living this negativity over and over again right groundhog day yeah yeah yeah because i groundhog day and and well believe it or not that's actually the most recent book i wrote how do you help somebody doesn't want to help you know right so that will serve you very well in that but the wife because if you're saying why me why this happened why that happened guess where you're not in today you know and it's not saying we can't learn from the past because i think the past can be a great teacher but what it means is that you keep your feelings in the present you keep your feelings in today and don't get lost in the emotions in the past or in the future right was saying basically you know  dismiss them but right that i learned what i take away from that i it wasn't pretty what what what there's a lesson there yes yes and i think as well we use the past to though my work for past like this here so past this is a powerful alignment sabotaging today love it session so fast around so i want to say thank you ladies thank you this really would not be possible we're going to make a list of all the stuff we do here you can why did it well university dot com forward slash t v and  i got a question go ahead and ask me it well university