back and thank you so much because unfortunately so to six are horrifying domestic violence is rampid and so much of society wants to pretend it doesn't even happen but for those people who are fortunate enough to be able to escape what is next how do they pick it go beyond that crisis so alaina we need to know who are you a limit chapman is a mentor a speaker and a bestselling international author she has artfully empowered and delivered ologist tools and compassion to help her clients unleash their passion and their inner power oh they are tell me why do so many people fall into abusive relationships in the first place well they have either they've either come from an abusive relationship or our self esteem and i was it's funny i was just talking to someone the other day who is a client and she was trying to help her daughter she herself has very low self esteem her daughter has incredibly low self esteem and has met with this guy a boyfriend who is starting to abuse her so she left and but she keeps saying i've never had anyone who loves me so much is this genetic this low self esteem either that or she's just raised with someone who has low self esteem and so she never gained the self esteem what we do as parents we don't understand how it impacts our kids so so if i so she transferred the mother transferred her low self esteem to her daughter but unfortunately her daughter has now put up with a guy who's abusive ok let's say her daughter's successful of getting out of that relationship once you break away from that what are the steps to helping them pick up the pieces and begin really living again and not getting into another abusive relationship ok first of all support support is very important support of friends family people who are going to help you take those steps forward and it's hard i've dealt with a lot of abuse of women believe it or not just because they they want to help or through some i worked through right relations  stardom has a mental game first and i'm not i remember all the abuse this one woman went through the one thing that was the hardest thing for her to get over was when he get into her face and just yell it's all about me and that was the hardest thing for her to get over and that's a mental thing showing you don't matter it's all about me and just getting in her face which of unsourced makes her self esteem even less very self esteem fell in the toilet and i see people not seeing that that support you have got to have support you've got to have family members who are going to bolster you up you have got to seek help and most importantly for a woman or a man but a lot of time a woman with children or whatever their main concern isn't just being with the man the sometimes it is but there are other concern is can i make it alone can i make it alone can i make it a long enough mclean economically can i take care of these kids and work really have to we have only one other goes in both ways does the man kind of suffer from another thing a lot of times unless the woman was the breadwinner he doesn't have that fear of making the money but sometimes they do if the woman was the one making the money whoever the spouse was well going to the parent is a big shift in their thought process of course if you know money has to be secondary to children well and i know affording those kids but also the health how do i raise these kids by myself how do i find the time to do the things that we used to split you know all that stuff it's almost it's like a divorce in that way but the other thing you really need to do if you really want to move ahead how after  abuse and not go back you've got to work with somebody you've got to work with somebody you respect either a psychologist or a mentor and i'll tell you what start making a plan start thinking about what you want to do not what you have to do but what you want to do and then start taking steps in make a plan three steps and make them start them easy whether that's just going to office or a flexible you know as a temporary staffing or whatever it is that you can go to for work going to the store down the block write that mentor right and so that's addition so i think it's even better to be a mentor than to have somebody who is a therapist up there were naysaying there be things i think is a kind of like a blend where you're helping people on more step by step hands on approach as a mentor  what mentors do more than anything we we help you to definitely recognize where you are ok and learn how to accept and leave behind and let go but definitely move forward we don't go totally we don't keep you back we want to see you moving forward in life and a positive way that actually grows to abundance and prosperity sounds like a no brainer so how do i to i'm one that matches with my personality and how do i know one is competent well they do say that when when the student is ready the teacher will appear and i have to say that does happen to a certain extent and even even today i was talking to someone who is going to start studying with me she said you just sort of appeared on my email and i said i didn't have any clue how that happened but like i said the teacher will appear and i do help people i am one and if resonate with anyone feel free to call me but on the other hand if there's somebody else that really you just feel a real connection with then that's the person you need to be with a great so let's just wrap up by saying you to get help and support to make sure the rest of your life ends up being something you really wanted to be to get past your crisis welcome to beyond my crisis i'm your co host ron ross nick and i'm begging parents for we are so fortunate to have with us here today celebrity author alina chapman alina chapman is a mentor speaker international best selling author and she is just amazing in the information she has to provide but she also artfully ampera flea delivers the knowledge tools and compassion which helps her clients unleash their passion and inner power and we are here to tackle some little bit more challenging topics that people don't realize how rampant it is we realize how many people are adult survivors of abuse by a parent no and i can honestly say they don't want to advertise it so i think a lot of people deny it is really the bottom line because abuse is far reaching and it's diversified i mean what does qualify as abuse well a lot of things you've got the emotional you've got physical you've got there's a lot of different kinds of abusive people suffer and most people who have grown up with physical abuse it always starts with emotional you know it  always starts with the comments the constant putting downs you know as a child the putting down the self esteem all the time i'm trying to think of something that particular you know was a common thing a parent would say to a child what i'm saying and save with even good grades and they come home with a happy beason a's and say why can't you get all are you stupid or something oh wow you're a parent doing that oh my gosh yeah i w so i understand that there's a distinction don't tell the child that they're bad but they could do something bad like they know that they did something that what was bad but they're not bad right right well yes that's exactly right that's exactly right so when you have this emotional abuse and then it gets even to the physical for the child the child will shut down you can shut those off you can shut down those feelings or they can manifest into anger a lot of times when a person grows up with abuse in the family and i have dealt with a lot of abuse a lot of people come to me with either they have been through an abusive childhood and then they  are faced with trying to make their own life and they're having trouble women tend to be undervalued themselves or they're looking for other abusers because they think that's love so they'll end up in another abusive relationship if your mother was abusive to you say a lot of times i have people come to me because then they find themselves in an abusive marriage and they don't know why so they're repeating they're repeating their childhood and they say that children will model their parent or do the opposite or do the opposite well i know up child who actually marries and they're trying to fix it they're trying to fix what was wrong when they were children wasn't your girl whose mother was abusive toward them you know a lesbian so you're marrying a man how would that translate i can give you the perfect example because i have a client right now her mother was very abusive and so she married a man who was very domineering very not physically abusive but mentally very strong and emotionally very confining she said when she was in the room when she first met him she didn't understand or process it because her consciousness wasn't at what abuse can be and she said i felt smothered and when we first got married she felt smothered he never leave me alone and she gravitated toward and she gravitated towards and then when he was controlling controlling the friends that she had confronted and kind of trolling how many times she could go out by herself controlling even what she wore that's that's a type of abuse so the way to stop the cycle would be an introspective awareness it's an int this so how do we improve that ok when you you see you need help you  to differ from seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist a psychologist is very good at going back into the past and really examining that a mentor will help you process that feelings a past but then help you move forward onto it for their like a coach they'll create help you create a better future for you yes that's the whole idea with the awareness but we go into a little bit deeper than most coaches mentors because we we talk about what's going on in the subconscious and the paradigms and the and the tools that we can use to access some of that hurt and process it as quickly as possible and learn how to deal with it how do you become a mentor how do you learn the skill to do the twenty years of study and experiences well i don't really would like to go back if we can i really want to visit you mentioned that your client was abusive used by their mother already puts a barrier and then and then she was one who was also very she felt very insecure with men she probably came from abusive there's the parents with its security these parents with depression parents that are have addictive  you've just done a wonderful wonderful thing that you're proud of or it's your birthday something where the focus is on you and then they steal the light somehow with the drama with the drama this girl grew up thinking that she had to fix she had to be the one to put her mother in a good mood she had to be the one who could keep her mother from that drink she had to be the one who could keep her mother home from going out and finding men you know that she was going to superhero which is also the modern enabler and so that's exactly what she was trying to do with her husband she couldn't do with the mother even though she tried and tried and tried so then she married this man who was controlling a narcissist very very very abusive and his way he presented himself to her and then she proceeded to try and fix him so we mapped out some scenarios he showed us how to detect it how do we stop the cycle if it's in yourself then you need to you need to go inside you it is possible to process that hurt it is meaning heal from it learning to forgive and it is a process but it doesn't take as long as you think so w t you just touched on a very interesting word is an important let's say hypothetically you were abused this lady was abused by her mother let's say her mother passes on is one way to help maybe remedy herself or cure herself for i don't know what the best word is you're the expert you are to forgive yeah to forget a abuser and yourself and for why forgive yourself what do you forgive yourself for and how do you forgive you really care if we weren't friends or if we were a war or in a divorce let's use a divorce is it really going to do me any good to hold out all that anger say if we got divorce and all that anger on you doesn't really matter to you as you're living your separate life doesn't although i don't know if the cells that are doesn't think we causing pain for their self harming or not so well it so what do we focus on instead so you have to focus of you focus on first of all learning about yourself that's what i teach learning about yourself going in word and then starting to look at it you get to the point where you can look at the situation which is takes a while by observing it meaning you're not when you relive the stuff that you went through you're actually not feeling it but you can follow it back to why it happened here and hear emotion and then when you do that you can see how everything led a to b to speed to see and then at that point you can start again and once you find you know they let go and what you're forgiven like oh what do you get freedom no it is freedom when i let go and then you can love again you can love again you can love yourself again you can love life again i remember when i let go it was fifty pounds off my shoulders i'm they think by holding their you know what it's a false sense of control false sense of control pseudo control and we think as long as they don't deserve my forgiveness i've heard that but it's not for them you say but it's not hurting them it's only hurting you it's a silly silly harley idea it's hard for some people to kind of grasp that i think you have to try it it's not just trying to have a little faith i would say to the audience just go out and find  scenario in your own life and just attempt to do the forgiveness maybe you won't do it the first time but do it again and it will work it will and you'll start to feel it's like that if we didn't have my ex i'd have you stand up and push against my hands you want me to do that can we do that this gives you freedom and it's not really helping you by holding on because i would think if someone's holding on to anger and bitterness who says i'm a problem you sick sick it does makes your toxic  topic yeah why do you think that's your well sum it up your world is inside you and so if you that's why you can you create your own world you don't know it but you are creating all the world i know i know here we are the bottom line is yes if someone has ever been used in any way by their own parents and now they're a teenager adult forty's fifty's sixty's forgiveness is the key to like get with someone your so no no because actually if you you if you heal you're on a different vibration you're not going to attract the same ten but you can all know somehow i would not hold onto i would just know better next no better so we've got  everything that happens to you you always take the jobs of that the good things and move on and the garbage let it go wonderful well alina thank you so much because i think there has to be everyone who's ever been a survivor of a parent them how could you get a fever why isn't anything less than straight a's or even much worse why didn't you do this want to do that and then of course there's always physical abuse and putting too much sponsibility a lot of people think that when you put too much responsibility and shoulders like you know even a ten or twelve fourteen year old child making them responsible for raising their own siblings perhaps i says that this is that abuse of that i know but i don't think so but i know that's very common but there's so many things where if somebody feels that there was wrong they should seek some help then if somebody talks one like yourself and they find out that maybe that's something that was holding them back so thank you very much for learning about this some beyond my crisis and remember together we can stop cr