good evening i'm goldstein and welcome to another edition of focus on tonight we continue our discussion on matchmaking and they think with the expert relationship expert as we know or julian she's here and we continue a second partner serious one thank everybody for recommending this and asking for me to bring julia not because for anybody who is looking to meet somebody out there and is hoping to meet somebody out there  julie and the person that can give good advice and that's what we're trying to do give you some good advice and things that should look for things that you should talk about and not be afraid to get out there and try to meet the special person and get out from watching your t v get off the couch tonight last ten years has been sought after by many networks and internet and she's written many columns and basically is a big didn't coach matchmaker and religious expert and tonight we're going to continue our and i guess the question i want to ask you how do you know how does a person to know if the other person is into them or not ok so great question you how do you know someone's investing in you it's obvious to by their behavior as as much having small thoughtful gestures done you know if you're going out on several dates with someone and you've had coffee in front of them and your favorite coffee take two sugars in a cream and three weeks ago some three weeks later rather someone she shows up at your door with your coffee with two sugars in a cream you know that he's investing his himself because he's he's taking the time to remember small things small thoughtful gesture it's also introducing each other to the significant people in your life so if he were to introduce let's say his woman to his mother and if he's previously married with children and the children and all of that it has to be reciprocated he would want to be introduced to the significant people in her life as well i hope that's clear you can't be one sided there's a lot of times where on people will introduce you know the dear date to the significant people in their life but they don't want to meet their family because it becomes it's a whole different dynamic of a whole different crossover so you it's it has to be for both people and just know basically and i said this yesterday in a phone call to a woman if you're second guessing the behavior then they're not investing in you many people take on behavior and they kind of reframe it to make it be what they want to see if you're second guessing are they going to call are they going to make a date with me are they going to put me first are they going to you know if you're in a relationship with someone and and let's say it's a woman in a relationship with a man who's always going out with his buddies he's not investing in you if you're not put if he let's say yes children the children of course are going to come first what then you need to come somewhere you can't be at the bottom you have to be at the top you have to be there one two or three depending upon the situation but you need to be he needs to make you and she needs to make you a priority they're not making you a priority and you're wondering if they're going to call if you're wondering if there's going to be a date they're not investing in you ok so when when you're going out on a day and someone says to you are you know i really like you i'd like to have you meet my friends and family whatever that's that's great you do  there into that person ok when men were a woman's into a man right there's nothing that's going to get in the way there's no questioning it's not all my goodness should i introduce them to my family there are special circumstances where people can say you know my family members are a little crazy so i want to take that slowly introduce them slowly rather than you know all once but if you're in your view dating someone regularly and you're not meeting their no i think every situation really is that you are looking for feedback definitely but at the same time i think for a lot of people once they've made that investment they're happy to introduce that person sometimes you know especially when church docs are not necessarily looking for you know mommy's feedback or you know what there are other things they've already invested in the person they want them in their life just so happens in order to do that they're going to have to have them at a family function know what time sam was you know split and so you have two individuals coming from two separate families and maybe one is the appropriate time with the right time to have the introduction of children so that children get to know the part that's great question as long as possible i say wait as long as possible and there's a lot you know that plays into it you especially if they're young children you certainly don't want to introduce someone whom you're really not sure about because if that person disappears it can be very confusing for the kids so again to sway is almost possible make sure there's exclusivity there they've been talk you determine that you're in an exclusive relationship and you've had this relationship for several months ok and suppose the along set of must haves and deal breakers and it tends to be rigid and people always ask me how do you know someone's going to be successful and i know when someone's going to be successful when they're open to the more open someone is the more positivity they radiate and the more positive outcome they have so that's how you just keep that in mind if the more open you are the more success you will have if you had this ri one of them is how tall are you what height ranged are you interested in and you know it's it's like ridiculous they're five two and when i said to me six feet tall or really  mature adult you have to get past that superficial because everybody's going to get old when you know beauty fades if you're left with an empty shell then what do you have if you really have to be open to the possibility meeting the right person who's going to love you and cherish you and treat you with kindness and respect that's what's important that's on your list i'm all for it if you have some crazy list of you know us to be six feet tall and you know all these other crazy things you know i work with women to realize that on that list isn't real that no one who fits that profile really exists so it's funny because usually times as first times the height matters they have to be able to trade off others of the money says absolutely without a doubt yeah you know and be real about what you need versus what we you want we all want you know that perfect out of a really difficult relationship she was in her late thirty's and she had never dated before the man she was her first husband was she met in college so she never dated and when she was very bright woman well educated and she knew that you know she couldn't do it alone entering back into the relationship world or the dating world she knows how to navigate it and so she came to me and i started out by working with her i didn't do therapy with her but through the coaching she was able to identify how worthy she was and how beautiful she was as a person and how she deserved a healthy loving relationship and i worked with her and she actually met her now husband online through my program you know she did the photo shoot with her profile i got her up and running and i helped turn go through and she's really happily married and she said i never knew a lot of could be like this  it was pretty profound it was awesome and then she turned around and she said you know you changed my life forever i truly never knew that it could be this way and she asked me to she saw me she said i see you as a symbol of love and i want you to marry my husband future husband and i so it was for i had to tell you she asked me through an e mail she did want to put me on the spot and i had to tell you i sat there reading it it was it was very it was actually small it was a second marriage for both of them very intimate and very personal so it was really nice so we created the ceremony i did with her when i did more personalized yes exactly  hard to really ok why how i'll start with the first part of why it up and i think people are vulnerable when they're putting themselves out there they're feeling very from vulnerable and they feel that if they lied about their height were their age or their level of education it will make them seem more appealing i see it more as there's going to be many bad for states so it's worth putting accurate information out there and having better first states you may let's say for some reason you have fewer first states but it we still be better for state because the information is accurate right so i think that's really important when women work with things in the day coaching relationship mentoring capacity they cannot lie on their profile they put their age they put their height they put you know what if they're extra few pounds or whatever it's considered you know wherever they fall absolutely yes but you know you're touching on something and i just want to go there you know a lot of times people feel and i see this happen a lot so that's why i want to throw this out there well you want to be genuine and authentic you don't want to reveal everything on a first date you know let's say a common theme i've seen let's say someone has diabetes you know and they're on the first date a lot of times because we feel we need to be genuine authentic and you do that you want to get everything out in the open and you say oh and by the way i have diabetes and then the person sitting across from you is gone ok now what do i do with that information are they very sick well they're just not the person for the first times and i'm not going to really delve in and interrogate them about it so what i often tell clients is let's and i'm using that as an example the diabetes it could be something else should you want to take your time to introduce that information to someone because you have to determine whether or not that person is investing in you and whether or not that they can handle that information so a genuine and authentic as you should be right you have to temper that with what information you're putting out there there's also be a test by one person to the other to say ok i have this same medical condition right and maybe that person wants to test that person's going to go oh my gosh and i want to deal with something like that for i understand it's not a big deal here no that very well could be the information or reason rather but i really think it's just people are nervous and they feel they have to be genuine and out of you know it's the moment that when they're meeting whether there's chemistry or not it's just that's who they are and the person sitting across from that has to know all about it so the same issue with a couple days oh yeah absolutely oh yeah there's no reason to meet and greet the meet and greet yes a lot of closed trees yeah right and it's also a time to see if there's any chemistry like right and see if everybody has to get a lot basically you know if you really enjoy the person and there's know i think we covered this a little bit but for those of us who who missed the show last week what point do you start saying i really like this person one of those person better and you become physical with the person at what point should you then decide ok it's time to become physical when there's talk of exclusivity yeah i think that there should be talk of exclusivity before intimacy ok because you don't want to be blindsided and you know i did talk last time about how when you have sex you're bound to intimacy right and that needs it's really a big deal for women and we really do become bound to intimacy and we really just means that you're dating someone and getting to know than one thing to be dating a couple people one time and maybe your and your sister six states with say three other people at the same time ok at what point so what you're saying is that make you mind th who you want to be intimate with and then with the other two or three go exactly ok i'll make sure we're both talking that i mean yeah absolutely yeah that's saying wait wait a while to get to know the person and then have sex with each person and you both are very boutique yes right and yet you're positive results i'm sure you know i think and he just goes over the age group that you work with again sure well when i opened up my doors it was singles over forty  men how can i join your rolodex is simple they can go to my web site which is new jersey's matchmaker dot county jerseys matchmaker dot com and just go to the contest page and scroll down and there are fields where you can just put your information in and i'm very confidential and never share anybody's information with a third party it's strictly from a ok and then they submit a photocell information and then i reach out to them and i get more information and i create a file on them and there's potential for them to be matched with one of my clients had you ever had a situation where you sat down with the man and went through the whole thing of his interest and then went to your rolodex with the women and you know basically vetted all the building and came up with the after ten or twelve or how many women and found the right person that they met and they came back to you and said what we think you know i have to tell you i really haven't had a response like that it's typically the person's great right just no chemistry just not there yet a country wasn't there i typically get really nice feedback and i've been lucky like that  information talking negatively about their spouse talking too much about any one topic when they would be their kids or their work or anything that's just over the top keep it simple keep in high level be interesting as well as interested you want to show that not only are you interested in what they're saying but you yourself are interesting you're not one dimensional that you have a lot going on with their politics religion two hot wars ye stay away from them unless it's been indicated on your profile because some people like if you're on if you're doing online dating is it indicated in your profile i just was on earlier today with a young woman and it said in one man's profile and very liberal on socially conscious you know he put it out there also issue right so that's not something that they want to stray away from you know i mean it's something that they could talk about and in terms of my bet setting for the match making i do keep that in mind  women tend to be as they say more forgiving so you know they tend to be more because they tend to be a little bit more sensitive and you know and willing to be open what qualities is a man was going to do on a day that sense of humor williams sense of humor has to be especially if you like to laugh most people do i every time i you know meet with a client you know i'll ask them about that and you know nine times out of te need someone who can laugh with me that he goes hand in hand with friendship i think you know when you're with your best friends you know to laugh you know you want to have a good time it's not you don't want to be a downer it's it's kind of a natural outgrowth i think of friendship watching and you're thinking about should try this or just i go online should create a profile i think if you've thought about putting yourself out there and you know i think if you can afford a matchmaker that you know it's not man you know you can afford it i think online dating is a really great tool i do i think when you use the right way and then market yourself again i know that doesn't sound romantic but if you market yourself the right way you'll call in a good quality person night i have i had four women get married last year i'm officially to the wedding this year you know it's online dating is a great tool and just be we be smart right you know you're not going to ruin you know give a lot of personal information away and you do have to realize that you don't know the person you're meeting so don't be you know don't have them show up to your house on a first date to pick you up i mean that's sounds like common sense but i've worked with people who you know prior to working yeah oh absolutely absolutely i've had i've had how it's working with a young woman who was gorgeous you know just gorgeous and i thought you know that we be out there i mean i take into consideration everybody had everybody situation is different and you know not everybody has different needs but boy oh boy she couldn't even get to a first date because she couldn't get past the exterior of a lot of men you know come on to do with what they're willing to be it's openness again it's open access more open you or the more willing you are to go on and to just go on the date go on the date you never know i have three women that i'm working with right now who are in relation to middle relationships with men who are so not their type so not what they thought they were going to go into being with and i think i just got to updating my website in january and this one woman sent me a testimonial and she said i never thought in a million years i'd be with this man she she happens to she happens to be jewish she wanted to marry meet and marry a jewish man who was form educated doctor a lawyer or what have you really had these rules and i kept saying and she writes in the testimony and having just been just be open and she's actually dating a italian man who is not formally educated is a chef you know nothing but he cherishes her he's so thoughtful he's so good his she sent me an email from her mother and her mother said she he fits right in he could she could see how much he adores her that's great yeah so you have and she said i never i never would have gone out with him had it wouldn't have been if it wasn't for me pushing her along to say you have to be open this is you know talk about your website again so that all everybody at home is watching right now you can just take a pen right now and write it down and be more than happy for when we can just sign up for julia's rolodex too so i mean it's easy you can google my name julianne cancer ella on my website will come up or search new jersey's with an ass new jersey's matchmaker and i might websites come up and you can go to my contact page and fill it out and you can join my rolodex that way or you can give me a call right now residing there i always you know i'm the one in charge so you'll reach me at some point so i hope to hear from people that's