welcome to be on my crisis i'm your co host ron ross next and i'm getting gasper we're here right now for a part two of a really critical topic we're here to talk about making love and marriage or long term relationships stand and the test of time and all the challenges that can possibly arise though they are very numerous and we have jim cullum who's an author of the book let me show you how i love you jim brings the wisdom of having interviewed over seven love shine your beauty from the inside out the easy guy to a checking your perfect me it's you welcome back both of you we are thrilled that you're able to give us so much of your insight on really curing as much as possible one of the last six ivy ills possible the destruction of the american family through divorce and unfortunate statistics have told us that second and third divorce are even more dramatically higher th forty the fifty percent statistic of first marriage so let's see what we can do to overcome those her venda statistics with a little bit more understanding and let's get some basics sex and love are unfortunately often interchangeable you have the beginning and then you have more mature love so let's start with what is sexy marry the woman let's talk about the first second what is sex city and what isn't it i think sexy is confidence its independence it's excitement for life is showing that you care about yourself i think sexy is not a sin i think it is not dirty i think it is not shameful and when we think it is then we might find ourselves having trouble that we wouldn't have if we upgraded our link to that term you just touched on something i just want to ask really quickly does that need to move and have any relationship within the realm of long term committed relationships in that sexy for it is absolutely the me too movement i think is a divine gift we're experiencing in our society right now there is transformation happening and sometimes you have to have a breakdown to have a breakthrough and our breakthrough in society is another level of both sexes the female i am male having equal respect for each other in the past we've had this idea that sex is sinful and shameful and dirty and without really digging in and deciding whether it is or isn't often times there is mischief around sex because people are thinking it's the sin and yet we have a biological craving to have an intimate partner jim that brings us to you because it's sex and of course love the long term stand the test of time type a love so to you you've actually interviewed over seven hundred women for your book over the course of four years or more actually so what is it  found to these interviews that love is and isn't love is not necessarily physical physical comes into it but when you really love somebody you can about a person you're concerned about how they feel how i think what they're doing you know you're a team with you work together team because love is a two way street i can love one person to death and of the person doesn't love me it's not going to work so it's a two way street and you have to work at it it takes energy and it again it's not you know years ago people would say wow that person sexy because they had the bikini on they had a particular figure the fashion models that only works for very small what maybe three or four percent of the society that's a very small part of most younger people there they go for love that gets them the oxytocin release so that's an initial love that's where that passion comes in but that is not a permanent situation how do we define that how do we cross over to a more mature love what's what happens there keep the intimacy alive we're in a discussion about long term intimate relationships and once you get married for example you you can't ignore your intimate relationship and think it will keep itself strong you want to keep investing in your intimate relationship jim and i were talking before the show about having your different priorities whether it be spirituality love careers family marriage and if it if it if you're the need that's now the not being filled we have to balance our time in our life for relationships for family and for business and defining in writing what are your top priorities and then making sure you put attention into each of those so if i say my top priorities are spirituality career family marriage and health maybe if i'm finding myself ill over and over again maybe i've put too much of a balance in these other four areas and not on the balance in my personal health and part of that comes up in the discussion of intimate relationships because it's quite frankly sexy to have a healthy partner and it's not that sexy to have a partner that's sick all the time and allows themselves to fall apart right so health and physical wellbeing is a very important component but in the united states we seem to be so connected to wealth like if our partner's not making enough money we're disappointed with that or an expectation that never really gets realized how do we handle money issues so if you don't have enough money your relationship is going to crumble would you agree jim yeah but as an example have a friend who is a doctor has a very very lucrative practice and he hates he said that he would rather have a bed and breakfast up in vermont and just have a simple comfortable life and it's what makes you happy and money money can make you comfortable but money can't make you happy well and that goes back to the mission statement what is important in each intimate relationship because what's important in my marriage may be different than what's important in jim's marriage for example so i want to keep my mission statement evolving with me i've been with my partner for twenty three years what was important to us when we met in our twenty's isn't the same priorities as it is now in our fifty's so you've changed your mission statement and we've changed ourselves how many times many times and i hope a lot more of those actually well ok so let's pretend for a second we talk about all those people who felt a betrayal perhaps one person felt so consumed with maybe the children or their career that they inadvertently didn't pay attention to themselves or their partner and then the partner street is there are ways to get past a betrayal or are we really doomed to say that's it i'm fed up i'm going to get divorced because you pre treat me what do you think i think if both people are willing to take an honest look for an example i'm a parent and i put all of my emphasis and raising our children together while my husband is having a craving for touch and i'm ignoring his need for touch his love  language and when all a sudden don i've ignored one of my five important areas and that went bankrupt if my husband for example this happens a lot of times my husband ends up cheating if you will having and extramarital affair and now we are faced with the decision do we stay or do we go and the stay in my book talks about are you both willing to look at how you got to this new level of your relationship after a feed or you both willing to look at how it atrophied where you weren't putting him from energy and it and you recommend writing this down like he really formalizing the needs the wants the wishes and and even the psychology of each of the partners it's the compass thoughts are fleeting energy when you put it on paper it becomes real the best psychologist i had with the psychology i took in college and everything with my best psychologist was in lander's and she used to say put it on paper and it becomes real and then you can both see it and then start to make logical rational decisions about what's there well i would also like to go further in by saying is that the only thing that can kill intimacy kills intimacy lack of action you know mothers of action word and you have to put energy into it you know it's like you put a fire in a fire place life we get so caught up between if people have kids that could be all consuming if they have a parent that has health needs if they have financial crisis you know the so many ways that adults are being polled these days and that's with that mission statement i personally have a mission statement for my health i have a mission statement for my career i have a mission statement for my marriage always evolving i have mission statements for my spirituality and  the things that are important to me so that else life life's us as things come up circumstances change we can look at that mission statement and say can i can i keep focused on that and get a solution to this crisis and humor of these mission statements absolutely in their skin you share something an example with us my health mission statement is inner peace it's my it's how i can measure whether or not the move i'm making is peaceful for example if i were to drink alcohol and feel crummy inside that's not inner peace if i were to argue with my husband that's not inner peace if i am never t putting me on the schedule of self care that doesn't lead me to inner peace it leaves me in a stress sometimes pressure makes diamonds a here that is true so i love the breakdown i'm not opposed to breakdowns it is a player looking for the lessons my husband and i have a mission statement that says life is always working out for us so even in the worst of times all we have had plenty were together twenty three years life as always working out so that makes us look for solutions instead of thinking maybe i should just give up on you and so embrace a lesson that may be coming look for the lesson ok she's decided to change a lot over the past forty three years today everything  disposable use once and throw away diapers of disposable everything of the supposable now back in the day if something was broken you x and you kept it i mean we had we had a television for twenty six years because we've got to remember we cover leave now you're lucky if it lasts six or seven years and well apart and people do that with their marriages too so in this consumer society we throw out of electronics get new electronics but with relationships we need to really think about what's at stake especially if parents have children together that's an important issue while you want to keep that marriage together i've told my husband we've had some challenges in our twenty three years together and we have a son together and we he said please don't give up on me i'm always trying to evolve and i said i wouldn't give up on you you're not just my boyfriend or just my husband your my family you're the father of my marriage but their family to each other their husband wife their family they might have some four legged children in there that is beside the point you're still family if that's who you come home to every night that's your family and i think something that helps the and for some people this is difficult because i taught in the hospital for twenty two years and i had a lot of people give me a hard time about this when i would go around the room had patients sitting around a big conference table and i'd say you you you you you're the most important parson in your life you have to take your view first and then everything else will fall into place my slee but if you sure cheat yourself and don't you don't eat right you don't sleep right you don't do all the things that you should be doing for you for your benefit everybody else suffers and the relationship starts to suffer then as long as you're not a clinical narcissist balance you've got to have the balance in anything that's important to you whether it's your career whether it's your financial plans whether it's your relationship now you were talking for we started filming about the energy of love and can you tell us a little bit what that means i mean you have the energy of love and you even mentioned that it's a real thing that i never realized orgasmic energy vibrates at the same level as unconditional love what does that mean so i'm a doctorate student in quantum physics and what i study is the vibrational world we live in i can interpret what you're saying through vibrationally interpreting the sound i can look at you and vibrational interpret the colors i can vib nally interpret taste on my tongue we also have a love that is taking action and there is an energy level measurable you can stick stickers on your brain and see which parts of your brain are lighting up and when you get higher and higher to about five hundred sixty megahertz of vibrational measurable level things that are also vibrating at that same level are orgasm are super powers like they're down where he senses vibration at such a heightened level we have to train ourselves how do we train ourselves to sense this vibration so this truly is vibrational scale so depression feels like a really low energy joy feels like a much higher energy your emotions are your guidance to your vibrational energy when i feel bad inside i want to work towards upgrading if i get towards five hundred sixty degree five hundred sixty megahertz of vibration i'm going to have abundance and health and love and joy show up but how do we improve that what are we doing what's the what's what's two steps that we can do to improve that how do i feel right now and so i ask around a change in how do i feel right now how do i feel right now how can i upgrade my thoughts so every day we have about ninety thousand thoughts approximately eighty percent of them are repeat of the day before the day before and the day before and ninety percent of our thoughts are sub conscious what we want to do like the master computers that we are is go into our internal thinking and look for thoughts that are stopping us and really if we can upgrade them so our awareness has to raise and then we have a negative thought what's a simple way to kind of cure the negative thought and sta down and then write a better version of i for right now no i don't have enough time and time is a priority so what i have is enough time for the things that are most important to me you know you don't have time to write it down when i id just to the people i work with who's well if you don't have the time to write it down then you just say the word cancel cancel cancel in the or replace it with another thought that's the positive opposite of that thought so we have to be writing our story as we go along and tune into your feelings that's the best way to keep tuning in your feelings if the highway vibration is a much stronger magnetic pole than the low vibrations and if you have your mission statement which i call my north star so if my mission is to stay peaceful if my relationship mission is love above all else if i'm down here oh i'm mad at him i know that's not my mission statement if i feel and said i'm mad at him i know it's not my health mission statement to be peaceful inside i'm allowing i'm choosing to let the stressful hormones flow through all of my cells it's not honoring myself it's not honoring my marriage and so all timidly if you get a big enough why why do i want this marriage to work why do i want to  feel healthy inside then you are motivated to keep tuning back and people have to break out of that habit they could be in this habit for decades and it's even harder like an alcoholic that just has drunk themselves silly there's something that has to shake them up to get them out of that terrible comfort zone and i'm fifty five and i know that i've had fifty five years of training and one set of habits my neuro network and so in order to upgrade to new habits it's not going to happen overnight i personally have positive note in my bathroom on my computer in my phone in my kitchen different places surprised me out of my old habitual habits i might be looking at my think and all  sudden i remember to be grateful that my hot water heater is working right now i wouldn't have thought of that had i not left a reminder note so i have reminder notes to help remind to keep upgrading every time i see those notes that ruin and keep in mind that the emotional state of your mind and body dictates the chemical state of your body and they've got studies we could quote all night about people who are under a lot of stress a sick or more often sure people who are not and is usually infectious types of illnesses the colds flus in the monas and cancer to seize so how do you know how can you help your spouse i mean if you see that they're stressed they're overwhelmed what can you do withhold uphold that mission statement and help them and their time of their feeling overwhelmed to things that i do with mind sometimes if i see that something's a little off balance with what down and she said i've had such a rotten day and it makes a huge difference because you're acknowledging that you recognize and sometimes they don't know it there's so into this stress is so upset they don't so the way we speak to each other is very important you know there's some statistic about how words are a small part of the communication really how we say it and our body language are the major part of communication and being ok with having problems that's ok i don't have i say if you're if you have a problem that can be solved by action you don't have a problem if my action is my health but i need to go to a marriage counselor or somebody who's got better answers than us that's an action i can take therefore i only have a puzzle how do we solve the puzzle right so we're constantly looking for what's important to us and how bad do i want to help out my partner so if i see that my husband is just in be overwhelmed mood i could either a he go take one of his chores off as list maybe he's been pulling all the weeds and i've just thought i'd need to keep the inside clean while he's pulling all the weeds maybe i go out and pull the weeds the next day so that's one less thing he feels more on the team which is requests for a volunteer to help him out or say if we start budgeting in a person to come and take care of that chore so that we can both be good at our careers and not waste our time weeding the garden when somebody else needs a job weeding garden and the other tips that both of you can tell us i mean you have wonderful long standing relationships and just to stay were well bonded jim to stay more well bonded again paying attention it really boils down to that when you pay attention and let them know that you're paying attention you do a lot of things together but then they also need their own free time my wife sings she sings in a choir she goes to practice on tuesday nights she goes out and then the girls get together every now and then for breakfast or lunch go have a great talk and you  work with each other and you give each other the space you support each other i mean i'll go to listen to her saying on certain days and you know as well you guys have a really good today or was it a one night you know maybe you need to change the microphone position just a little bit it wasn't picking up the one section you know nicely you do it in a very soft laidback way you know you don't come down heavy on somebody it's the presentation again  or your long term intimate relationship if you keep going back to that be willing as a couple to evolve the words in it and make that your compass so you go after that mission  long term thank you so much this is really informative and if we can all put this to action and then get into these books i think we'll have a really successful relationship easily right guaranteed and i guess what i think it's the same basis of divorce proofing first second and maybe even third marriages thank you jim and mary thank you for being a shiny example of what we all can be thank you thank you thank you for watching beyond my crisis and we are delighted to have a problem solving people here to make our relations a better and better