scott welcome to stop my crisis i'm your host vivian gas far and we need to address once again is can that be a subject that's covered enough people forget when they hear the term abusive relationship between domestic partners or even if they're someone dating remember people who are teenagers dating all the way up to elderly people there's all forms of abuse abuse is not just relegated to physical violence if there's many different types of emotional abuse and when someone is brave enough to get themselves out of any kind of domestic abuse of relationship they still have many different scars emotionally that they dealing with and i wanted for us to address that today because if you're still holding on to the mindset of when you were in this abusive relationship when you've been so fortunate to escape from it how do you move forward from that so i wanted to address that by bringing on one of my favorite guests michele nagle and she is america's number one resilience expert she is the author of suffering is optional stepping out of darkness and into the late and she's also interestingly a certified jack canfield the success principles trainer and the president of soul shifting and as a resilient survivor of child abuse and domestic abuse for the past fifteen years she's been conducting seminars and workshops and providing tools to help other people overcome such as she has their own limiting beliefs and really live the life for their dreams if you're still limiting your life that can never ever be possible to show welcome to the show and helping the untold numbers of survivors move past forward into health your relationship thank you very much vivian tell us what can you share with us about getting past being in an abusive relationship and abusive relationship can just linger with you for your entire lifetime if you don't deal with the emotions that have been trapped inside your body you will find that you're drawn to the same kind of people if you don't shift your thinking and shift the way that you look at the world so abuse doesn't have any boundaries it happens to both men women no age limit no religious limit there it happens to a whole bunch of people it happens to women are three times more likely to be killed than their male counterparts but still we have a tendency to look at it as this is a woman's problem but there are eight hundred thirty thousand men in the united states who are abused every year and so it's a problem of epic proportions that we need to get a handle on and we need to change it so that we don't have this in our lives now both men and women as you mentioned have been victims of abuse when they're fortunate to move forward and get out of those abusive relationships let's face it they don't want to spend hopefully the rest of the lives alone even if they feel so emotionally scarred what is a good recommendation or a few that you have  individuals how can they move past hopefully into healthier more meaningful relationships and no longer feel like a victim it's important that you realize that you're very valuable an important person and when you get to the point where you believe not just think but believe on a soul level that you are an important and valuable person then you're going to start being a little more careful about the kinds of people that you allow to be in the relationships when it comes to trauma and abuse having the help of an expert is very very important because some traumas you don't want to go through on your own and your mind will protect you from it it will shy away and you won't ever be able to deal with it by yourself so how can you discover whether or not you may be prone to to zing subconsciously of course abusive relationships going forward you don't want to repeat this horrible pattern right there's a test that you can take which is called the adverse childhood experiences test and it's a study that was done by the center for disease control in conjunction with the  in california and they've discovered that there are a the common thread there's multiple kinds of abuse but there's a common thread of ten different ways that a person has been abuse and what they can suffer in their lives and if you've got a small score you have less risk for certain health outcomes if you've got a large score then you've got a larger chance of having these certain risk outcomes you also have a chance that you're going to stay in that pattern because it's the only thing you know and so breaking free of that pattern is something they really need to get from somebody whose experiences i mean do you help your clients of this because if you just find yourself in abusive relationships going forward that just leads to well unfortunately more crisis which is what we're addressing here i found that i was before i received the help myself i found that i kept getting in the same kinds of relationships because it's what i was used to and that's what we do is if you're if you're raised in an abusive situation that's normal to you and us so you keep looking for normal and if you don't have it you will go looking for it if you move out of your house and all of a sudden you're living on your own and you don't have that const abuse then you're going to go look for it so that you can start feeling normal again so you get to choose now do you want to have that be  normal or do you want to make a new normal that makes a lot of sense can you can share with us just one or two quick examples of some ways to kill yourself after an abusive relationship it's important that you take time out take over three months or more off don't go from one serial relationships one to the next to the next just take some time off and try to figure out who you are what do you like what kind of things do make you feel good all on your own and then when you get so that you're comfortable with yourself then maybe you can start letting somebody else in also talk about your experience don't downplay it don't ever say that it's your fault abuse is never your fault and you it you don't say it wasn't that bad because if it happened once it was that bad and also ask for help there's no shame in asking for help is sign of strength being strong to continue especially if you have your children to continue for and improve it so they're not subjected to it even if they're just watching you go through it thank you mrs michelle for coming on and helping us understand how to improve our lives going forward if we're strong enough to escape those situations and remember abuse is a lot more common than we'd like it to believe it is if you're currently in still an abusive relationship there's a lot of different resources that you can have as a man or woman and you should reach out your the racial coalition the domestic abuse hotlines as the police department if you're just not sure but once you've escaped that situation please do with anything you can to find ways to not repeat the pattern by going back to another one that's all for today remember don't let this pass crisis make it your next one because crisis free and manage your welcome to stop my crisis i am your host vivian jaspar with a very important question are you in survival mode how long have you been in survival mode are you happy do you think happiness is a luxury what is joy something that you just see on hallmark greeting cards i don't think so i think we really can reach within and understand that even if you're in a form of survival mode which a lot of people feel they are you still can find joy and happiness these aren't just buzzwords they are so important because i've watched families for the many years their past eight years getting through major crisis of losing their home i the joy and happiness devoid in miss so many people's lives that need not be the case it really shouldn't be so i've been invited here to our studios one of my absolutely favorite guests alina chapman alaina is a bestselling author she's a speaker and she's mentored thousands of people to break free and start living lives they really deserve they deserve the happiness and joy so do you let's find out how that means a little welcome to our studio all thank you for joining us again thank you vivian thank you thank you for the beautiful introduction huffington post two thousand and fifteen all new one in three americans are truly happy with their lives now that should be three out of three we live in the land of opportunity people are trying to get here and yet we are not happy why i think so many people are just so focused on where they are now that they forget that they don't just have to look forward what's next what's next let's let's grab some of this yes you have quietened i believe the phrase the prison effect yes how does a person even become aware that they're living in the prison affect what is it oh my gosh the prison effect is a if you really do not love what you do with your life you are not excited about where you're working or your situation it's time to change if you are not feeling deep contentment just ask yourself am i happy and if the answer is anything other than yes it's time to change it's about changing your perception your world and number three if you're not waking up almost every morning feeling like hey it's a new day i get to live it it's time to say you know what i think that people have to realize that happiness even if you're not happy with your entire life can't you pick aspects of your life then you're not been a focus on the ness well and wants off of that i like to say i always say it's always really a brilliant idea to write down five to ten things every morning and every evening that you're grateful for oh i completely agree i am about truly living in the state of gratitude yes because how can you achieve more when you don't feel good about yourself or where you are right now i literally just spoke to someone a couple weeks ago one of the most dramatic cases i've ever encountered where the gentleman was home homeless living in a hotel with this wife and son yeah and i came to find out he's also one employed but here's the clincher he had lost his home to foreclosure because partially he had a brain tumor so how do you like your that kind of a camera zation what that i do i said to me exactly what you're saying what do you still grateful for your speaking with me you're not a view you can speak can you just pick aspects of your life that you're grateful for exactly even if it's little seconds he do you like the ship your hands your finger your family anything people do you have people who love you yes there has to be so many things like clearly agree with you  very important and if someone is watching and they feel stuck in their own little prison and they don't realize to even think of it as a prison yes what can they do today to break free and create a happy life or parts of their life to realize it to become happy ok first of all being happy is a decision and i had a time when i in my life when i wasn't happy but when i decided that i really wanted to have a happy life and i wanted to be happy then i found that happiness came to me is that like the law of attraction i hear it is the law of attraction it's a vibration whatever but it happens and but you have to make a note turning back  that you want to be happy or that you want to change for the better and when you do that all of a sudden you will be it starts happening it's almost miraculous it is said i know some of this talk might seem to peppy for some people maybe they're going through a major crisis that's why they tune in to stop my crisis yes invite seem almost silly for some people but it's not when you're so deep into your own miserable or unfortunate there has to be first ways or portions of you they're grateful and that will blossom into happiness truly if people do the gratefulness when they're in the we've all been in tragedy and trauma we all have but if you can keep your perspective about what you're really grateful for and build from that and even go so far as to notice and it's hard i understand that but notice three things during the day that you see maybe the clouds in the sky you're raising your what we say your vibration or your happiness level we'll call it that and when you do that then you'll start seeing more opportunities on how to get out of the trauma you're in but you can't be in that mindset down here wall with me and find a way out you can't you know think about a very frequent way to wish someone a happy birthday or a happy new year for example isn't it may your next years be filled with love health yes and happiness yes no does it doesn't say any when there usually are ambra guinea or tesla or anything like that for a big mansion right it doesn't say that no one how many people to actually say that right let's go back to some basics yes do you have love from anyone if you don't have a husband or wife or any kind of person like that there is this so your parents or pastor you just forget for example well you can adopt a pet give unconditional love so to kant's so there's always ways to find love now there's always way health even if you're not in perfect health i'm a friend who has several different types of cancer but she's not living with the misery of her situation it's about the mind set she could still see she could still hear she picks out aspects of her that are still healthy and happiness as you just said is a choice so let me just tell you you wrote two books related to being in a prison yes what led you to do this well like i had said i have had trauma and tragedy in my life and i've been in a prison i lived in a prison for a long time so when i decided to be happy and i started to break out of that prison i'll tell you what it is so much better out here that it feel really free it you know what it does it feels it does feel free and that's what we all want we want to feel free it is not as hard as people think it is i help people break free all the time and both of the books to tell them exactly how i broke free out of my prison and have helped hundreds of  i think some of the best types of books i've ever read are the kinds were they give a success story such as yours of whatever level of success what it means to them yes and it gives an actual tangible step by step instructions to accomplish yes and thankfully you've done both and your books yes i want to thank you so much for coming on because you are always such a very inspirational felten of information that people can utilize right remember it sounds like a clich but it's not if you don't have to be happy with every aspect of your life if you have an unfortunate aspect of one little part of your life it doesn't have to be for every part as i mentioned and as elaine has mentioned choose to be happy it's not a cliche it is a choice and stop a future crisis to stop my crisis i'm your host vivian gaspar and here we are to talk about something you probably wouldn't expect me to want to talk about dating you're going to wonder why is that in talking about dating today simple statistical it proven that when you're in a stable loving relationship hopefully it's marriage you are much more likely to live a longer healthier life it is very strong we documented and let's face it parts of being alone in any respect including financial attributes greatly to being a crisis and really here to stop crisis luckily for me i have back one of my favorite guests alina chapman is a bestselling celebrity author she's a speaker and a mentor and she loves helping people move forward into lives they want to live that is really her passion and then includes dating and establishing new loving relationships welcome back ali and i thank you for joining us again paul thank you viviane i'm very happy to be here jeannie garth once said every time i think i'm ready for a dating i say to myself i'm not why that's terrible that's my goal is it is a mindset they think they're going to go out there they're going to not have fun and take a breather take a breather is do it difference between men and women and mindset of being trepidations about to getting i think both set skip pretty nervous but women tend to think too far ahead of the first first date has even happened yet they're planning the wedding yeah yeah there's they're already there and the guy just wants to meet you know it's just very simple we have to take on more of that we're just meeting we're just going to have fun and then effect i know that one of the great techniques  instead of calling it a first day have but it's not a day it's a first meeting oh then you get to a first date in fact that he said you know i think a first meeting is fabulous and men like that to meet over coffee or meet among friends that's even better i love that you know just have a bunch of friends go out together and that's how you meet stressful it's all in the conversation flows easier you know because you know everyone where is it easy to find people i mean i have people that i've met all over the place that love online dating then there's those who absolutely hate it yeah they don't look at in pictures they feel that people are losing misrepresenting what is your best advice where to find someone let's start in the very beginning shelley i have many friends who have found wonderful wonderful oz been zz and are happily married with online dating which sites and i'm not trying to become i don't know no the reason i'm asking is i have a very good friend now a man who is really interested and finding love and marriage in a way and he isn't actually almost fifty now quite and he absolutely has had such horrible experiences with dating websites do you believe a dating website we won't even mention names let's not go there with the names but you don't think it actually is better to pay for a dating website than the free ones because maybe it's a mindset my hypothesis as i tell them is it's get some more serious individual that you're trying to when they have to pay a couple dollars i don't mean extremely expensive but there's a ton of websites that maybe they're the forty fifty dollars a month what is your thought on that i do like ones that you have to pay just a little bit for a little bit and i'm not knocking the free ones usually it's in your profile and what you put in your profile believe it or not draws in the people that you are getting i know that's a unique concept but it's true and people sometimes if you're not happy with the results look at what you're writing learn to do with it but i'm just wondering what caliber of person you're attracting but now obviously a lot of people who are divorced start looking to date so when is a person in the best place mentally to start dating after a divorce yes sometimes we start way too early and then other times we don't want anything to do with it but the best time is when we feel like we have healed when we feel that we're not dragging in the anger that we had from the divorce when we can let go of that and start a new then that's the time but what about pushing someone away who may have just happened into your life do you find that people do that because they're scared nervous or think they're not the right place or i've heard so many people miss opportunities well if you are all if you're feeling good about yourself and you know you've left your divorce behind and you still push that person away yes it could be because you're nervous or you 're scared that you're going to make the same mistake and you have to believe in yourself that you won't actually i have a cute do you want to hear it very cute but it also works with two to really focus in on the person that you want in your to do that no no that's not that's a man or woman whatever you write it out and then you yourself work on those qualities so if you like a person who's very confident you're going to become very confident and then feel that energy of that person with you all the time and they'll start coming into your life so become the person you want to attract yes you can give what you don't have and that's to hard to  are really scared of dating and that's not going to get one where i especially if you end up feeling a little pangs of the activity what is a great technique that comes within you the nervousness the butterflies better yet the feeling of insecurity that you're not worth someone good because maybe there's all kinds of abuse of the world most of it does not even include physical violence but let's say you were in a previous relationship ramy be once a boy or a put down or whole i'm complete i'm beautiful something very simple that you i can remember and say all the time and you can make it up and if you feel butterflies in your tummy then that means you're on it that is the one you need to say ok so let me ask you this is important because let's face it most people have children who are getting divorced or got divorced yes yes when you know it's the right time to date or especially how much should the kids now i know it's probably age appropriate but can you give me an idea maybe this bracket of that bracket i know what the popular opinion is that we shouldn't bring the dating into unless we're really serious and then introduce to the kids  i've had success doing it another way really what's this other way i sat down with my kids and said you know what guys mom is going to start dating it's time i would like to date i said but however do not worry i am just stating if it gets very very serious i want your opinion and we will talk but if you see a guy come to the door i'm not marrying him  heart is important very important because you know what they know getting over a past relationship especially if it's a very long term i don't think that happens like that it's not a quick process but nor do i believe you should wait around isn't i think that as long as you feel like you're not bringing the baggage him you're home free yeah it doesn't take that long actually it really doesn't x and so on that note i think more people should give it a chance yeah you know what i think of it if you were interviewing someone and you know that it might take a while to find someone pretend you're also for company and you want to hire someone to work with you you have to be compatible you have to like the person but you're not going to hire decide the first person you meet give it a chance that way be patient because after all if you end up finding someone where you have the chemistry do downplay it sometimes love just happens and just being open is what matters and life is really better that way financially as well remember crisis happens on all different levels