hi carol ricard america's wellness and bassett are welcome to well university so well you show i'm joined by my guest slash co host angel torch rally baku i call the pain detective because you're good at that and yeah so the whole purpose of the show is i work twenty five years in a hospital teaching people tools to live well and i've always believed should have to land in a hospital to learn that stuff so our show here princeton t v gives us the chance to give people the tools to live well today and the one we're going to talk about today which is really one of my favorites is communication i always say if i could only get one person one to you know that would be it i mean how about for you guys oh that's that's lacking that i think that's crucial yes i should imagine like not being able to communicate like going through our days not by talking to let alone things that i had said and it made me think about what not to say so that's kind of what we're going to do today we're going to focus a little bit on what not to say because i'm sure we've all we've all heard things that you right or you just want to rip the person's head off or you've said something like one sentence headed that way and then and then what we'll do is we'll flip the coin and then we're going to talk about what to say instead so i cheated i sent these ladies a little worksheet and what we're going to do is i am going to capture what we usually do so we take the work we do here so people can access to it and so whatever we come up with i will type up on what not to say so people can have a list of it printed out and hopefully learn from our show ways to be better communicators because i think that's just you know the whole purpose of that so so let's start with is i want to put it in red meaning stop you know not all right up here nah now carol do you want to to divide i into something that was said to us by a doctor or just just in general because i think what happens is we could hear the same communication in a different setting like what a doctor might say to me might be the way i have a supervisor that maybe talks to me and so that i think kind of yeah i mean if that helps you know you can always tell us where it happened ok good for that so all right so want to go first yeah so it was something that i remember hearing over the years that would be push my buttons would be somebody say you're too sensitive oh  high now that you say that i probably have been said that to me before and it pissed me off yeah you have because it's it's said as a negative yeah and what's wrong with being sensitive because you're compassion it cetera et cetera et cetera for any particular situation you can i say i i could not i didn't neither one of those who are kind of my route on my radar i mean i guess probably because i've never said them and i've just never  is that's funny he said that because when i was driving just trying to if he was talking about you know when he gets to see our son and he's like he needs to and he needs to do this and he or i hope he doesn't present it that way because i can see how he when he was explaining it it was one of you know that stops i was going up like well and think about this because you both have grown children i mean even young kids how we say things need to do and so that one is this is one of my biggest buttons i think so yeah but for kids and i think what's important about that is there's a way to do it so you put it on the table rather than shove it people and that to me is what these words do they kind of shove it stuff that yes you know even if it's true wish to do defensive so we don't get to hear what might we could learn from it like like you said this instance it might be really good ideas but i ideally when you were ready and then you know however goes from there you'll do it whenever when you are ready  like they're not listening they're just well first off i can't even begin to imagine you know or understand you know why you why you do things and i remember when i had this lady tell me this it infuriated me because the girl had no way of our mandate and i think i think it's invalidating yeah even we have to say that even if you can understand i think it takes away from the other person when you say those words i understand that you know to me that's like the invalidation even if if you were i've had similar experiences it's kind of like well let me shut you up you know you're talking about your loss or your pain or your suffering w lazy oh those are really hurtful but i have to tell you working at mental health there are a lot of people i've worked with over the years who really we're depressed and what their family would say to them oh yeah you know how you have that kind have not recognizing that there's the symptoms yet you're even just not physically well or maybe that i don't know i mean yeah oh i hadn't thought about that one honestly this is what i love about doing the show that we end up doing in talking about things that on our own we may have not but together it brings the power to people got another one on your don't have a long list because i have i have a master list and so you know if we don't get to them i will still include them on what we come up with today so we'll probably end up with a whole page of what not to say are you me to how could you it's true going into like a doctor's office or having you know somebody really having a real complaint and having somebody minimize what that is right you know that and yeah well yeah that's a good one i just have a one word what jimmy and i've corrected me you know i kind of learned my lesson but i think if we got just another one of their say you know equal opportunities they're so all right i want to read you the few that i got here because then we got to use the rest of our time to go on to what  say i have you need to why don't you you know it's kind of a slippery slope there isn't it time you know is it time you started eating healthier started exercising what i had what's wrong with you  you know that i was wrong with you do you should didn't you know i don't i oh i don't want to because i think those words i don't want to i may not be able to but you know they might take it the wrong way you have a problem and i told you yes it's kind of yeah yeah yeah yeah so here's what we'll do we'll take this list and that list and in our get it typed up so that when the show kind of is airing people help me understand and i'll tell you why it serves me very well and i had to go into the hospital and help cover on the floors but i think what this does is it validates the person and says i give a shit you know and i've had it worse serve me so well diffused people because they've been up here and if i said you know help me understand what you're feeling right now or help me understand what's going on right now it's a way of joining somebody in validat situations where somebody said something nice well go back to go back toward it i just turn around you're too sensitive i will put it right there so we i we can see it and i appreciate yeah and and i want to put that up because i think i appreciate i appreciate you my alloted i think you know i appreciate you guys taking the time to be here today you know but it kind of again comes i guess is you know what i want to point out here is to kind of validate existence if we are to do that in our communication somehow even if we're pissed off it still he keeps the person here present with us but if i get you all defensive guess we're yours are turned off of your like are going to get away from carol and and and you know or the other word i like to use to to describe people that i hear is you know especially to validate you know that you care you know that compassion because i think of sensitive   it would serve you well that still now that i know what i use because i honestly have a good couple good words i used twenty five years because because again i cannot tell you you need to take medication  can tell you you need to get sober i can't tell you you need to you know whatever it is but here's a thing when it's important i would just say that it's a safe important you know and then i could say this important to them you know like for example you were saying stead of him saying you need to write he could say you know it's critical that we get started as soon as we can you know and that we limit our stops or because if there's their strengths and you sort of reiterate some strengths maybe relating to the situation they're talking about without saying i hear you or i understand or  really there are other words you know you worked on something but you want to oh i remember when your or the positive the positive said it was a point yeah yeah yeah that works for me because i have to be reminded we all have to write yeah yeah and i honestly the communication is easy going to help us or hurt us you know what i want to just bring attention to that it doesn't take a lot of diverting that i have to say i got shocked by something that they've said this morning because i always hear the negative yeah like you but then again like if it is a twenty year old yeah yeah excuse me excuse me i was thinking hey there i mean that's why you know if i don't know somebody ha you know it's important carol if you want to get good grades you know or because not because i told you so sort of thing you had when you're ready what would be a twist on that that would be more receptive you what i use a lot to validate is i can't understand war or the other would i like to say is even imagine i can't even  i can't even imagine and and i think to me i probably could but not really but it's more important to me to validate that other person than you know i can even imagine what that would be like for you we had maybe it's stress you know say so guess what here's what i say what's going on rather than telling right right right it's asking that minute so so the goal is again is to say is the kind of find ways to validate a person's existence and then the not to say is the way really to not invalidate or piss people off or pusher or her people  or her again because it really communication has a power help her hurt and even the that one word you could be the thing that kind of just shuts a blow smoke everything apart so so i promise we will get these things up for our website you can go to well university y o u dot com and we'll have that just keep watching the show because the website will be up there why have all these handouts so you can print out and you can practice i'm so i just want to say thank you again ladies for a marvelous show and have great ideas even the ones that i did let you prepare for and you know we do hope you got some tools to help you live well today