hi i'm carol ricard and welcome to the well you show i'm joined today by my co hosts they started out as again and i really enjoyed torturing who i call the pain detective and then julie maddox who i call the wellness coach so welcome ladies yeah it's amazing when you think back when you started very like you know were my you know guests and no one else actually i could do the show and you were a co host because i could do the show without you yeah it's been a year for more than years been more than a year so in case is your first time tuning in to the well you show really the mission is to give people the tools to help them live better and for me i did that twenty five years working in a hospital settings and so that's what we really try to do with this show and yeah so today's topic is going to be deescalation strategies that work i know it sounds big and bulky so as always i kind of have some handouts to go along with this but the point i kind of want to make with this is and i say this happens to us in life but if you think about it life does this you bottle the pressure the tension builds up inside the same thing happens to us as people and what ins abuse really happen more times than not is it it spills out and i'm not going to make a mess here you know in the studio but when people when that tension rises and rises and rises it is coming out and so what we're going to talk about today is how can we help people do this just a quick little here so well but it's go on if you've ever done it i just hear it is a very and maybe just so that's what i want you to think about is how can we take people that are kind of exploding or about to explode and how can we help them release some of that tension so that it doesn't spill out ok on us because even you could be on the receiving oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah and so like i said i've got a couple hand outs for now i know it sounds like we have somebody who's kind of cursing at us war you know i don't know can you think of situations yeah i can think of a situation but i'm thinking how can i provide support because he came on so suddenly yeah well let's see all right so good is it a situation that you can share with us on telecom i think those it was just the person was driving me explosions it might be the no other key that we have to use for that one but here would be the thing if you saw somebody and they kind of could tell by the tone of the rabbit started to get louder you know or they started to use words that they only started to use so in other words you can't see too well here we had my soda but you start to see how the little foam you're there before it explodes what we're looking for is how can we tell that that person but here's the simplest way to get somebody to provide what i say is provide support here's what i mean is it we ask a question and the easiest question  you i am even i even heard you you know what's going on you know you see somebody it is kind of your you let's put it this way you can even be at work you know what and somebody could just and start just chewing you out my reaction could be is if they they go here i go here and we kind of rope here together although you know what happens with that is it goes here to here to here to here and then the next thing you know it's escalated beyond and we're saying things that we could never take back but the tricky is in the work because this is work is it when i have a coworker who goes here that i stay here when we asked this question in a person says to me you know what i'm pissed it does this  but this is make sense that my asking what's going on you know your getting that person to tell you what's going on so the talking becomes the initial yes it releases the pressure right anger so it doesn't equal you have to say the words in order for it to release the tension so that it doesn't end up exploding does that make sense very different  asking what's going on or there's one other what's the other question i got down there julie the question what do you think will be helpful yeah and you could say helpful or what you think will be better what you think would work but it's kind of again deferring to that person because guess what we tend to do and i was guilty of it all somebody say oh i got a problem i say all what you try this and so i give people solutions and what i didn't get was that carol they just first they just wanted to vent and if you can get somebody to vent think of think of this is another word for venting you want people to vent now you don't want them to curse it you yeah all right there's a difference between taking it out on you and letting it out does that make sense yeah i really i'm just playing with it my yeah my loud well i'm trying to figure out when this happens at home when i see somebody procrastinating and it's really important call has to go through or a propane delivery or something that is a priority and i have to tiptoe around did you call yet because that person has to whenever and and they want to be a nag a but but but like a same token but meanwhile the propane didn't come because that is so i'm thinking how do i deescalate because it's going to be if i just say what's going on well now there's a thing that's not really a situation though to deescalate that's actually more of a situation to be assertive around and so it's not this isn't going to apply to setting ok this is when you have that person well that comes out can i tell you what it could be you it could be you do wind it doesn't get done and you start to get frustrated or but guess what you're not you we know could say is so so what do you think would have been better to do rather than telling them the idea because here's a thing when we tell people things their defenses go like you know they're like so it's kind of saying the same thing and in it's it's saying you know so so what do you think you know would work best in that case instead of you telling or even planting the idea it's just kind of getting the other person to in a way take responsibility and maybe they may not do that a job was honestly to have a situation where i could talk to you till you're blue in the face and guess what it is are going to do what it is you know that you maybe need to do but this is when that person the level starts to go up and up and up and we start to that's why it's deescalation and not just communication does that kind of make a little bit of sense make same and so again it's coming up the levels up so if i take it up up up up up what i want to do is use this support tool to say carol what's going right on me so that i could say well on pissed because this didn't get done or that didn't get married that didn't get done and from our communication workshop or group show we did we know that the word you you know it is is so i would say you know what i'm pissed that the gas didn't get delivered not that i'm pissed that you didn't call and the gas didn't deliver but upset or frustrated or whatever it is in trying to say it without that in there i could see where that's been very helpful in a lot of situation i think that i don't know if you're doing it or not there are people that i'm still trying to wrap my head around best known at the best way but this was so it probably would it probably would because those that are closest to us sometimes also know that you know kind of our buttons to not push or not push so when i do something which number that was one of our shows to you know ailing with difficult people so so let's see number one is the support your go on get somebody to say i'm pissed i'm upset that doesn't work and the level starts to kind of and i think here is what's really important is if we can't stop the person from spilling out on us that we kind of have to kind of contain yami you know and say i'm not going to talk about this is right now you're yelling at me so we're setting limits for me might be in that volatile situation is going into another room from yes absolutely removing yourself you know because you would know you can't get that person to occur under so you kind of create a limit in physical way absolutely but let's see if i had a coworker though that was you know kind of had a bad day or but run in one of my boss and she's taken it out on me or she's had a bad day with her husband and she bring it work and take it out on me consistent is that right now yeah and my point with this is the you know what you can't let your this person kind of like dump on you or dump it out on you one time and then not say anything and then the next time try to say so you know that we kind of think about your kids when you were raising them you had to be very consistent otherwise you knew they were going to come back and they were going to work you  well so now take your clips off because now we want to do so so it's just we've got two steps but here's the trick to escalating people making the situation worse is doing because this is the way that we can contribute knowingly or not knowingly maybe unaware of the fact this is how we can make somebody else kind of pissed off so  so it's talk but when you feel like it i'm i'm thinking about a patient used to work with you all and g what when she was bad she wanted her husband to listen to her when she want to talk you know we're going to talk about it right then not the mind of fact it may not be a good time for him and so what would happen is that they would do this do do do do do it until it turned into this big argument and i said to her is long as you keep doing this he's not going to hear what you have to say because he's already got his defenses up because it's not so the solution give me the solution i got listen so when it is and you kind of put them on you know hold them a little bit accountable or we all we're all thinking are different people right here good that's good but this is this is this is the easiest thing that we can change if i want to have a conversation with julie even if i check with you guys on the phone here's what i've learned did i catch a good time here because how many times if you talk to people and in ten minutes into a conversation they say oh can i call you back i'm right  your word softer and that's it right i would never use that word but but so the the the softer version you know if we don't want to piss people off it's in this to ask a question is yeah right so i'm walking them back to group and they say you know you're late instead of saying where were you you know or how come you were here earlier instead of this situation it would even you know we may not even know that we're doing so i sware come little gems so i julie tell a person what to do you need to that's one of my biggest turn off you need to well it's interesting coming back to what you said about the idea is it your flowed out there about calling you know to check on the gas or calling this somehow important to yeah or it's critical that so so let's take your example or the other word i like to say is let's use your example a about the guests this is important to follow up but if i say that with this person they would explode yeah but here's the thing is it important enough to you to say something no response yeah yeah and and again you know what the responses but and you get to make that choice but i could internally say it's because they know they should you know they're that's their way of and their and they know that they should have done it and so they're going to react because i'm putting them on the spot yeah see that's good to know because already you've kind of deescalated the situation because you've kind of looked at it which is one of my would use the word critical when i i would hear nurses telling people you need to take your medication yeah you need to you need to go to twelve step meetings you need to do this and i can hear the person of course would blow up you know at a pace you would say to them you can't tell me what to do kind of thing and of course what if i said the same thing and i said you know what it's critical to getting well that you take medication i'm not telling them what they need to do i'm just pointing out that yeah and it's good to say we're splitting hairs which is why we put all these things on our handouts or because i want people to have the word authentic so i'm going to say you know but but i would say if it's important to me then it's still important you know it is whether or not you choose because we all got to choose our battles alternately and we kind of were just talking about that goes back to telling the person identifying the person's feelings for them oh when i had that they would say to me you know remember i had her say you know i because it seems that you're angry there and if you don't manage if you want to use put stuff out there these are really very important words because you're not telling the person anything about them you're saying it's a possibility so you're not telling like their defenses are going to be a little lower with the it seems even about stuff you know that is really true  is it seems it seems it's taken a really long time you know again choosing your battles yeah but it's really important to choose those battles mak you might have people around you that want to escalate you that want to pass through all of you they know what buttons to push so what they'll do is they'll go here hoping that you're going to go here so then it is kind up and treat the trick and what this is all about is having a person go here and either of us staying here or not going there ourselves so that the person kind of knows the managing you going there and the higher level escalated and yeah and you know what happens to me sometimes too i start crying yeah like i cry like this the feelings if i don't if i'm not going to managing this situation it builds and builds and builds and builds and then the next thing you know it's up with ten different things you see a cheerio i see you don't it i see a tire you see a lifesaver and it's really about agreeing to disagree that we may not see the other person's side but they may have another side that we just don't know was there and so i say agree to disagree you can always find our shows in the handouts and go to the website where you see things in the living well today