welcome to stop my crisis i'm your host vivian gaspar we're here today to discuss a very serious topic then unfortunately goes to many times undiscussed on addressed i am very fortunate to have with me here today to have dr stacy play a professor of health policy at cuny school of public health dr put conducts research on sexual and domestic violence she began her public health career by conducting date rape prevention programs on college campuses thank you very much dr and welcome here to our show it's a pleasure to be here please tell us some facts and figures that largely go unnoticed by the general public well the first fact i want people to know is that being a victim of sexual violence is very common in this country half of all women will at some point in their lives be a victim of sexual violence as well about twenty percent of all men what's most shocking about this is that most of that sexual violence comes from people that we know eighty percent of women who are raped or sexually assaulted as well as men it happens by someone they know an acquaintance a family member somebody in their circle for college women third especially high risk because the highest people at highest risk for being raped  thirty you're under and they're under thirty you're under about twenty percent of women are sexually assaulted while in college and have devastating consequences for them and i'm sure this is something that haunts them for the rest of their lives and changes even their behavior correct yes it does the good news though is that women can go on to survive sexual assault and the full and joyful lives the important thing to know if they can't do it alone and i would urge women if they've been sexually assaulted the most important thing is to tell somebody to call or a process crisis hotline to tell a trusted friend but not to keep it inside because the telling is the beginning of the healing that makes complete sense and i want to know what can women do to lower their risk of acquaintance or date rape the main thing that women can do are communicate stick together and plan their party going activity most date rape involves alcohol on the part of both the victim and the perpetrator in fact several studies have shown that upwards of twenty percent of college men in surveys report they've deliberately tried to get women drunk to have sex with them twenty percent one in five men yes added to this yes and between ten and twenty five percent of men depending on the survey have admitted to some form of attempting to sexually assault or sexually assaulting a woman what during their college years so it's really important for women to know this first to know that eighty percent of men don't do this and you know most guys are not rapists most guys are good guys but like my mother said trust everybody but always cut the cards so here's my question you're saying they're not normally rapists but end up they could be facing the situation of what is perhaps a he said she said right so then what can a man do to prevent a date when men can do several things the most important thing a man can do personally is to know that yes means yes maybe does not mean yes no for sure does not mean yes silence does not mean yes the best way to prevent rape is to ask your partner if she wants to have sex if you don't get it through z s tick yes stop because some women because of how they're brought up because of sexual mores society they may be saying oh ok or yes and look really uncomfortable that doesn't mean they want to have sex with you but could they be perps you know prosecuted i mean a four woman passively said oh ok could that even be constituted the quainter date rape it's much trickier i don't think there's a clear answer to that question because women it's very hard to prove date rape in a court of law and so it's an easy crime unfortunately for men to get away with it however they can be prosecuted if there is not clear consent absolutely it's rape but it's beyond worrying about legalities most men don't want to be rapists most men i assume want to have a good satisfying sexual encounter with their partner so the way to do that is to ensure consent if you want to do this sounds great and what you know what i've done in my trainings and said if you're not sure if the woman saying yes or not pull back stop because if she's really means yes she'll let you know you know she'll let you know physically shalit you know verbal and if she wasn't quite ready then you may have just prevented yourself from forcing yourself on  woman that is a very good tip so what is the effect sexual sot can have on a person's life sexual assault for both and i know we've been talking about in terms of women but men are sexually assaulted too can have devastating effects it can lead to physical health problems stomach aches back aches headaches can lead to depression anxiety post traumatic stress disorder can have horrible social consequences the number one reason that women leave college is because they've been victims of sexual assault and never got the help they needed it's really important if you know someone who's been a victim of sexual assault or if you've been one to reach out every college has a women's center or a health center they have designated people to assist with sexual assault there are federal laws that protect women because there's also consequences for people in their work life so people who are sexually assaulted miss more days of work in the year following the sexual assault them before the good news though is that if you're sexually assaulted it doesn't do new to a life of bad physical and mental and social health outcomes but it's really hard to recover by yourself you need help to get back to a joyful life so my last question would be what would you do should you do if you find out that one of your friends or to quit has mentioned to you that they've been a victim of sexual assault and keep in mind one out of two women that you know has been the victim of sexual assault statistically speaking the first thing is to not judge them don't ask the questions why did that happen to you what were you wearing why were you drinking those who point with questions they're going to shut the person down listen be nonjudgmental be supportive if this is an event that just happened strongly encourage the person to get medical help strongly encourage them to call the rape crisis center to call the police but don't try to make them do anything with someone's rate they've had control taken away from them completely it's important for their friends and family to give that control back so you can suggest to someone i think it would be a good idea if you did but if they're not ready don't push them don't force them be there for them listen to them don't judge them and let them help them find sources of help you can say someone here's the number for the creep races hotline and then they have it when they're ready to call so when our kids go to school it is not just that our daughters can become victims and unfortunately end up making them not just a victim but they would change colleges but thank you for helping prevent our son and here with me today is jessica robinson jessica is a security and lifestyle expert with nearly ten years in the private sector for a fortune fifty company with responsibilities including leading and supporting a six hundred million dollars business in the area of safety and security she has trained and work with people from around the world and jessica has three tips on what people should do in dating in today's world to keep them safe jessica please give me those tips right now so the top three tips that i think anyone can follow is particularly today when we do online dating is number one look at someone who has a complete profile so you want to make sure that there actual hutch out there that all the questions are completely filled out you want to make sure that for yourself you don't have personal information on the file as well what type of person who function would that be that you someone should leave off your e mail address in your phone number  actually put them on yes yes so you know if you are if you're just peruse even you're just looking to meet people you do want to make sure that you keep that information private what are the key signs that start to indicate someone might not be safe in a relationship once they've gotten that far you have so if you get to a point where the person you're dating wants to see your social media accounts they want to know what you're posting and how you're posting it oh my goodness they're asking you what you're doing with your time if they get upset because you're spending too much time with friends or because you're spending too much time with coworkers outside of work that's definitely a red flag i think that sounds like very controlling behavior yeah i mean it definitely is it can be really scary and a lot of times it is about power within a relationship so we really just want to make sure that when we see those things happening particularly increasing over a period of time that that's a red flag we're paying attention to let me ask you what is the typical timeframe that you that someone sees that occurring and does that mean usually occur quickly or does someone really cultivate that situation of control over a period of months what's the more typical situation yeah you know that's a really great question and i would say typically you would see something like that happening over a period of months because someone is who they is and so typically that will start to show pretty quickly but the truth is  sometimes it feels after people are married and that's kind of the scary scary case when maybe when it gets really stressful in a relationship after the children have entered into the really jim so it's really important at any time that you start to see these red flags go up that you pay attention to it and not ignore them let me ask you is this more relevant either dynamic for example is this more men controlling or does this happen with women trying to control men it's a little sides of the coin that it's both sides of the coin it's definitely not one way and then also it can be if you're in a same sex relationship of course the better so that's the case as well so it's really important that you really pay attention to the behaviors that someone has because it can be a man or a woman well i just always like to break the stereotypes cross the board become of awareness instead of just thinking that's always in one direction yes of course with same sex relationships it's either would be the one right exactly you know it's breaking that stereotype that's a good idea and what i want to ask yeah that's pretty recent until this is a situation where this is a situation and one of the other tips i get for someone who could be in the beginning of an abusive relationship is if someone is violating your privacy and so this is a situation where these were two young early twenty somethings and they were in bed together and all the sudden in this case a gentleman pull out a camera and start to take pictures of her and when she realized what was happening she said what are you doing any said oh i'm sending this to a friend oh so this is just a red flag a friend that ended up on social media could that hurt you know and then we could because i've been together for a while and that they were dating for a few months i'm like they did for a few months and so and at that point you know you know the person so now the question is do you call the police the do you do you break up with this person was this some one time incident could this happen again does the person know that they actually stepped over a boundary and so these are the type of things in the person actually we're talking about this was a parent and oh i'm the parent of the daughter and that's what's really scary too is you know you know it had to be serious when the doctor went to the parents it's ok so they can go on dating because a lot of times of course and people don't always do that and so that's that's definitely a great example of a boundary that's a fantastic example one thing i heard not too long ago in some circles i was traveling is someone got married within a matter of six months or less of those forms of dating i was really shocked because now reminds me of your mentioning that this type of behavior happens usually the the stripes are made clear know the who the really person comes out clearly after the course of a few months so do you recommend that someone definitely waits at least a couple years before getting married so they don't jump into something that's harder to reverse i would person i would do that but you know love is different for everyone and everyone's different and i recently saw something were a couple got married literally after four months and so everyone's different but i do think that's a great thing to do when you can really see people when they're up when they're down not only that but you're testing them out to write you're really trying to make sure that they're the ones that are that are right for you so it can be a great way to know them to make sure that they're really there for you when you need them most so and lastly i would like to find out what does someone do if they wake up and realize wow i it's just remember that this isn't abuse is just physical it's also notional it's also mental so i would say at this point you want to make sure that you include a friend or family member that can really help you navigate through this because you need support along the way whether it's to move in with them or to really think about where you could really live next door think about if you need to switch jobs which all of these are really serious things to consider in the last thing reach out to the i would say personally the national domestic violence hotline i think that they're great when it's free and it's twenty four seven and so and that website is the hotline dot org that's fantastic information and we do have one quick last tip that we can and often they stink way if you will yes you know one thing i would say is  i'm always making it a passion of mine to do what we can to mitigate the huge problematic crisis of divorce and even other types of failed relationships cause a huge amount of trickle down effect through the whole family it affects children the financial security of the family so how do we backtrack that and takes a few steps to be more proactive and prevent the failed marriage or failed relationship in the beginning perhaps someone here today can help us with one aspect of how to prevent those failures welcome here today is jim cullum jim is the author of let me show you how i love you is simple guide for men that shows them how to wow their honey jim has been a health care professional over forty years and he bases his book on conversations he's had with hundreds of women welcome gender to see you here at our studios thank you for having me it's a pleasure thank you so much i am very anxious as a woman who's been in relationships with men to hear what you have to say today because really i think the saying of happy wife happy life i love to war men who believe that and i think you're trying to create those men but this book is that right exactly so so i understand that the several studies and i'm pretty sure everyone's heard these studies by now that forty to fifty percent of especially first marriages end in divorce and then we have psychology today reporting that one of the top complaints that women have about men is forgetting to put these in in various reasons isn't there more to it than that jim well there's a lot more men become complacent most men not all men but there are men that become complacent in their relationship everything sorts to they sort of gets bland and blahs and as the years go along they remember less and less of the little significant things that started that relationship off so incredibly well well i always thought from what i heard that once the man has the woman and the chase is no longer what he's slate's him if this is what she trying so hard does that have to do with it yes it does actually a lot of men as we said become complacent they didn't used to thing isn't they're comfortable with the way things are but everybody likes to be appreciated that's right when we're at work we want our borders to appreciate as well your wife likes to be appreciated your girlfriend wants to be recognized and appreciated as well so let me ask you this i heard you say in your book that how a man can deeply touch his woman without even using his hands what do you mean by that by doing little silly significant things they seem to be insignificant but they are truly very significant little tiny things that make the relationship special such as why do you a little note and leave it somewhere where your significant other your spouse can find it a few hours later when you're not around my wife teaches and i'll write a little note and i'll hide it in her grade book for a fourth period so when she's in school and she opens up the plan and surprise fourth period there's a little honey i love you i miss you can't wait to come home tonight that puts a wonderful smile on their face and warmth in the heart so there's a lot of this book really how do compliment your wife or your girlfriend the love of your life or the other little chicks for example what are some of the things that a woman really wants from the man in her life can't just be gifts right no not to women want to be respected they want to be listened to but you want you to understand women when you're in a conversation that you should be listening to what they're saying not just hearing the difference so many people think well i'm listening and hearing isn't that the same thing no not at all hearing to just go along with what's happening you're really not paying attention to the detail that's coming out and you can listen sometimes even when she's not speaking directly to you so what do you mean by that one day i was walking through the living room and my wife was watching the television i was in my own world and she was in the world of the television and very romantic yes actually but you know what even being married thirty years at the time i would have never guessed that was something she would want to do it you know like you feel you know a person after that length of time and it's something that she really wanted to do and  the men think it's all about the money i think it's how men maybe or at least some of them hard to it's about the money the what expensive gift can i buy and i'll tell you as a woman just a small gesture of a candle or single flower to spend less money sometimes means more so what can a man do to make his woman happy without spending a dime any money at all very easy and it matters not if you're right it is they have home full time mom or she goes out of the corporate world but by the end of the day you're on your feet all day i have my wife sit on the couch put her feet up on my lap take your shoes off and i would gently begin to massage her feet and  that sounds wonderful i'm sure your waif is very unlucky and i hope she realizes exactly how lucky she is so before everyone has an opportunity to buy your book what it would be too little juicy give away take away pieces of information you give all the men in our audience pay attention really pay attention to those little things that she does or she might really make a remark about her girlfriend had this really nice per feel one that's a hint when the occasion comes you might want to buy that perfume or somebody wore this particular style or type of clothing that's another hand put it away your mental memory and when the time comes you'll be ready to really do something that wows are to how's that for menu says maybe they're in their forty's or fifty's and like wait a second i can't remember a thing about actually writing it down a lot of cell phones now have a little memo no men should know about that special woman in their life where you'll never forget it's fill in the blank her birthday already of verse three other anniversaries that are important to her are her favorite perfume her favorite restaurant her favorite food  her favorite music things that you'll need to know in some point and the reference for to it's right there it's a great handy reference jim how about not just a wedding anniversary what if it's the anniversary of the day you met or the do first catechize it's all in their well they are they can fill in the blanks it's easy and then when they need to take it out later it's right there and the one other thing i was just wondering to ask you is if someone's not even married yet they should still pay attention because nowadays you really should have a decent amount of at least dating if not before whatever leads up to getting married exactly do you recommend that people start then instead of waiting till they're several years into their marriage so you should be doing this of all along practice makes perfect and the more you do things like this even if it's for your mother your mother's day or a birthday be it tend to do the right thing we're here to create a wonderful world a happy world a great loving community and it starts in the home very good excellent information you know what i think that you can help keep marriages together because i understand another statistic that i've read also is that women stray when they feel that their husbands don't want or care they don't show them enough attention so women stray outside the marriage when they don't feel that they're getting the attention from their harassments so honestly i think that if then or at least some men follow this advice their wife will now they can prevent divorces by keeping their wife at home with them exactly it's the appreciation that little bit of attention when i say pay attention you don't have to doting over her every moment that's horrible and it will get you in trouble but pay attention to what she does what she likes what she doesn't like and doing those little tiny things that she will know wow he really appreciates jen and i hope that you and your information will help prevent just a few more marriage or relationship break ups thank you very much