welcome to new beginnings with care and where we celebrate the creativity courage and wisdom of people creating change we highlight those who charge you cause me you life and career choices and face turning points welcome to new beginnings with karen dell where i am so pleased to have joining me today dr ed adams who is a psychologist the specializes in male masculin couples so dr adams welcome well thank you very much and i really appreciate your having me on oh absolutely absolutely and i want to talk about your recently released book ye becoming a happier man yes so tell us a little bit about what led you to write this book and kind of what's behind it sure well i've had two parallel careers karen one is in psychology where as you said i specialize in men and masculinity issues the other is i've always been a professional artist at least my don't life and i've owned my own gallery in new hope in lambertville new jerseyan and i've had many commissions both sculpture and painting and in one thousand nine hundred ninety two i was the first living psychologist to have a painting on the cover of the american psychologist psychologies most prestigious journal and it was when both worlds came together and so i decided to  becoming a happier man in a way that brought both of my worlds together and it is both what i have learned that is necessary for men in general to live a happier deeper more meaningful life and it's illustrated with my paintings so it's a it's it's an art book and it's a psychology book it's a meditation book it's it's a book that  could provoke some thought and it's a guide for men who are wondering why am i feeling less happy in my life and in the book will show you the  both imagination and in words the elements that are necessary when men are feeling happy so let's let's kind of segue to that what are the elements for men to feel happy and then the reverse why are they aren't happy well that's interesting i'll start with the second one very much unhappy because so too many of the elements of happiness are missing and those elements the book begins with to know that you are enough there are a lot of men who who doubt themselves and doubt their own masculinity and or doubt their competen confidence and so it's becomes like a dog chasing a tail when and it limits life because you're always searching for a way to feel enough and maybe if i make enough money or i have enough status or this or that that and it never works that way everyone knows that and so how do you find your enough miss and it's an interior process but it's a it's the bottom line building process then the it builds into elements of happiness men who are happy are  involved with other men in friendships they have friends men and women friendships men who are happy are happy you're have a sense of  talking about painting and sculpture i'm talking about creative ways of inventing your life and being connected intimacy is a huge huge factor in men's happiness and if it's missing there are unhappy so let me stop you there are intimacy is the intimacy issue one of how to create it or is it that they don't know what it is or is it that they have difficulty achieving it they know what it is but they have difficulty is it all the above it's probably all of the above i mean let's let's underscore this with the fact that there are a lot of men out there who know how to be intimate and and are quite capable and competent at intimate relationships and by intimacy i'm not referring  to sexuality person i am talking about the ability to be vulnerable with someone the ability to to say here i am and let me see you and and to share things and to have a connection that feels like no other connection in the world you know essentially we have in a lifetime we have maybe we could count on two hands the number of people who are really are a level intimate people and but if that's missing so it's like the center of the heart is taken out and you know with the list that you've described so far i could put women instead of men at the top of that category absolutely in terms of do we feel that we're enough do we feel that we are more than you know our daily task of caring for others how do we tap into our creativity i i don't see it as unique right am i missing something no because  in all of my work with men it's really not discovering something that women don't know and it's for men to live there for humanity and so in the context of that it's it's going to be the same for men and women and it's going to be played out differently you know there aren't there are differences in the way men pursue happiness and that arc not genetic but culturally determined and the way that for example men there are a lot of lonely met there are a lot of lonely women but there are a lot of lonely men out there because they don't know how to develop friendships or don't have the opportunity to do that or the men they were around are the men they compete with so that they don't want to socialize i've had many men say over the years oh i have a best friend and i speak to him once a year and it's like nothing is ever changed between us and i know what they mean that they have that connection but there's no relatedness there there's isolate or depend upon women to fill that that gap fill back at so there are so many ways i can go with this so let me try to break that down or is there anything unfulfilling if a man doesn't have that level of intimacy with another man and we're not talking as you said about sexuality we're just talking about being vulnerable male to ma letting your true feelings show standing up and saying this is who i am so is there i don't want to use bad that's not the word i want th consequently yeah there are consequences is it less fulfilling not to have that male to male bond yes as opposed to male to female bond to do your point men may rely on a woman in their life it could be their mother their sister their on their wife obviously their girlfriend you know so is there is there something that's missed well yeah there is something that's missing if you were if if if you are in an elevator with say three other women and then that stops at the sixth floor in a man comes in the atmosphere changes absolutely and the atmosphere and it works the other way around as well ok so it was about twenty six years ago i found that men mentoring men which is an organ is nonprofit organization for men to get together to help each other live deeper more meaningful lives and a lot of men find  three as which we call men mentoring men as a means to connect with other men we have a we have a legacy of sort of the ability to sit in council with each other and to talk things through and we have lost of that that element where the the the wise ones in the community can influence the younger ones and the younger ones can keep the wiser ones on their toes and so on and when we create that community men enjoy many men enjoy not all men enjoy it but many men enjoy it and find it like i don't i don't want to live without this now we've had we have quite a few men in men mentoring men which numbers around eighty to one hundred men actively we have we have quite a few who have been there for over twenty wonderful years wonderful kind of reminds me of women's sewing knitting crocheting baking bridge club brunch group golf group and there's something that your says that i'm learning from you that is i want to use the word inherently positive for filling actualizing you get wisdom yes from the elder women who've gone through life and relationships and feelings and hurt enjoy right and pain yes that is uplifting nurturing all of the above and what you're saying is men holding council in the same kinds of ways obviously not needing crocheting necessarily but talking sharing if that's fishing or whatever they're doing there's that same benefit so we're really talking in that in many respects i mean we are talking about men mentoring men but it's a humanity that's correct it's a humanity and it's it's a fleeting opportunity and you know many of us now have devices and we connect right through the device but even that is sure and if you haven't developed that human vulnerability that level of intimacy then i can definitely understand how you can be isolated and i also understand that men we haven't touched on this but men might even find it difficult to be vulnerable because that's not what society says right a man should be at least in america i don't know if  found that in other cultures it's generally true men do find it for good reason robert bly a poet once said that if a group of men get together can violence be far behind and when you create an atmosphere like within within i'm three we have one rule and that is no man shames another man and in the context of that safety man begins to talk about things that are important to him his losses and his gains and his triumphs and his what he perceives as failures or his issues and relationships his needs for for comforting and for  the sadness that may be inside of him because of maybe an abusive situation in the past and three is not therapy in fact it's peer led and but i think there is there's a magic to that because in it's just men who want to get together and say let's talk about what's important you know it's not pay how about those mets you know like it has and has a great deal  some men talk a lot and some men listen a lot and some men wait till they feel they are ready to to open up there's no no should zeroth and men mentoring men and you talked about talking about what's important so what is important what is important is i think the number one thing that is important and comes up over weighs our relationship issues more love to give to their children or an awareness that they're not being the partner to their wife or or their kids that they need to be they're not accessible enough and so there's self awareness inside the relationships and that it is the it is the most important element and in our humanity like you know when we're sitting on taking our last breath what we think about our relationships and seems like nothing else matters so without you know revealing some i do want you reveal maybe some tips on how you can strengthen those relationships but what would be an example so without revealing any obviously personal information about anyone what would be some examples of men being both aware that they need to strengthen their relationship with their wife or child but you know what would be an example of well one example would be this occurred in a men's meeting a long time ago but it's a good example of a man found out that his daughter was pregnant and was going to be showing during her wedding and he was very angry at her and he came to the meeting  just with a lot of disappointment and anger and feeling embarrassed for her for him for the family he brought it up at the meeting and the men let him talk but encouraged him and said there are pivotal moments in a relationship and this is one of them and either for the rest of your life you're going to be resenting your daughter or you could let this go and connect with her and there was a deep discussion an honest discussion he got off up off the table he went into my office which was nearby and he used the phone to call his daughter and say honey it doesn't matter i am i love you and  thrilled to become a grandfather and then he came back to the room sort of walking about two inches off the ground and that was through the council of other men and it changed the orbit feeling it and that was focusing a few years ago so i'm i mean that's powerful yeah definitely temp and there are many examples of of things we know about and things that the men don't know about that occurs in a man's world after he leaves the meeting you know it's valuable because you're right relationships are very important and particularly the ones that are in your immediate circle you want those to be strong you want them to be honest you want them to be vulnerable and you want them to be intimate now you also in your men mentoring men and your book this notion of masculinity so let's talk a little bit about that you know what does that mean how does that hinder or help a man becoming a happier man well if you look at stereo to pick max masculinity it is it has a lot of silly rules to it and it's very constraining don't cry don't express themselves that those are silly rules but when men get together as a group they tend to be more operative than when men are alone and so part of the  stereotype of masculinity inside the stereotype is is the danger is living the stereotype so when men begin to define their own masculinity and in fact ball field or the way i am right now is different than if i was in a in a restaurant so i'm going to display different aspects of myself and and in a way project that is adaptive to the situation but it tends to refer back to as i have in the book back to living within your core values and if your core values are connectedness or love for you know and i don't want to make it only soft you know there's a there's a a harder part of men there is a harsher part a baby can feel a mom's hand and know it's mom and the baby could feel the dad's hand and know it's it's rough or it's bigger it's maybe calloused and and we know the difference and  and there is a great deal of value to men being i mean men who are physically or emotionally tough really save our lives in many situations so it is i'm not trying to feminize men i'm trying to have men as you said before just live out their full humanity and that's where happiness lies and that's what the book is about is is doing that so my you know thinking about all that we've discussed part of what i do as a coach is to help people reach their full potential and as a therapist you're actually doing the same thing but you have obviously deeper training and you're tapping into other things you know whereas i'm doing it war in a corporate professional setting but that's what i hear that you're you're letting people one become in touch with who they really are gain confidence in that learn how to display it on a regular basis and if there's something that they don't know then learn how to learn about it and then learn also how to display it so that they are again reaching their full their full potential but in a humane you know the human way as opposed to you know if i'm an accountant or an attorney or an executive or that i think me stop playing the roles  let's just be human and ok that's a big enough task it is hard enough to pass and by itself and when we get in our own way we can trip all over ourselves absolutely in the bottom line is we live a less happier life right right well i want to grab the book in a few minutes that we have can we show can you share with us share some of the interior photos and kind of what it is as an artist we want to capture that as well the piece around meditation right this says no you are enough just trust as you are and so in the image he is in an inquisitive position he's thinking about that he's he's being he's interiorizing his enough this it's like because it requires thought and it requires an examination of self and self awareness but it's kind of a inclusion one comes to you know i often say to men it's like being alive or dead you're either enough or you're not it's like there's i'm not omo stuff you know and so  need to declare inside themselves that i am going to live my life that i'm enough to love them enough to be loved them enough to achieve them enough to go places and do things that i want to do to live a rich deep life then it changes the question the chick question then becomes how do i do it and what do i need to acquire in order to get the resources to do that but if you are always asking in my enough or my enough like i said at the beginning it's like a dog chasing its tail this is great this is great and the book is available as of today own wonderful and you can get it on barnes and noble amazon well it will probably next week we're in the paper we're paperwork part of that yeah ok so probably in a week or two it will be available on amazon and barnes and nobles right now people can really contact me directly ok through my website which is dr at adams dot net ok and if they're interested in the book i will have some of the early copies of the book that you so much for being on the show i have to have you back there's so much we didn't discuss that i would love to explore with you at another time i'd be thrilled to come back aaron thank you thank you very much you're welcome and thank you for tuning in to new beginnings