has survived one and she still rising and she's here to talk about her story but before we get started you knew you know what we do on a dr joy show we take it down with three deep breaths are you ready in to blue collar family you know suburban neighborhoods and grew up and emotionally use of home but i didn't know that because when we were growing up we think that's just how it is and  i you know and i talk about it in the book that there was a lot of red flags even then but i was ignoring them so i was just really focused on raising my children and being the best mom that i could be the best wife and you know all of that so i married young i was a mom very young and i really knew myself as a very naive back then very gullible and just was just so focused on having the whole family life because what comes with that in my mind was happiness oh yeah right because of what society says oh yeah if you're not married by a certain age if you don't have this many kids depending on what you yeah and my my my goal for you know my my for things that i wanted in a man was very shallow where they well when i can say ok well i get it i like a i got it and like i said i didn't know that i come from that emotional abuse so i didn't know that i was being emotionally which turned into the mental abuse the financial be so i didn't know and you know that that this  normal how relationships look like and then i get into my thirty's and i'm like i'm just not happy way way way we got to dial it back ok in these just so you guys know she was also a guest on the joy of living show that's my radio show and you talked a little bit about how you and your first husband were close because of a business right right so you had a business very  oh wow this is awesome i can do this is great which really built my confidence up in the business part because i had never run a business before right so yeah he did a service business and i was doing the marketing and i was doing the bookkeeping and in the whole back end and never went to school for it never was taught any of it just really just did it myself and so that gave me a lot of confidence so when i was on my own that i was want my own business but i didn't want that service business i wanted what i call the laptop life i wanted that time and financial freedom right right like i can just be here in jersey at yeah right i ask and you come yeah so so so it started at an early age you see you have a picture here so now we're going to dial back ok so how do you in this picture i'm four four years old beautiful so what was going on do you remember what was happening and for so the reason why i have this picture in this is what i teach my clients that who we are at four years and younger is who we really are maybe i core beliefs are  instilled we hear what our parents and our teachers tell us and that's gospel so that's four years and older yeah right right four years and younger so our great masters jesus christ buddha and krishna and masters like that all taught the same thing that we are self love we are truthful and we are forgiving the three core healing modalities that we have that we are born with ok we're not taught to love ourselves we are born this way we are actually taught to not love ourselves we're taught to not forgive when it really yeah you know you don't know that you know that you just learned something yesterday and learn i learn every day which is a blessing right so what do you say we're not taught we're not taught to we're born that way born that way born perfect we're born with emotionally healthy bodies ok who we are ok god gives us that yeah yeah and then the roof so that's why i have the picture for years and younger because this is just a constant reminder to me of who i really am four years and older we start to take on the layers of muck break the crap of life now whether that's through mom and the messages or whether that's through you know school whatever outside world is we start taking those layers on as truths right core beliefs right so like i grew up with denise you might as well just go off and get married have kids because that's all you got ok and so i believed that to be true  because that was coming from somebody who was close to me and so i did that i got married i consider twenty one very young sixteen is extremely young but i did that i went off i got married as soon as i could as soon as the first guy told me he loved me had kids right away so i reached the ceiling of the expectation of what i was to do in life and everybody looked up to you who she's made it yes i want to be like denise yeah because we did thank thanks  that to drive because we did have the nice house and the nice neighborhood nice cars and went on but always yes and i talk about that in my book that on the outside we looked like a perfect family we did yes absolutely but behind the double door behind the closed double doors how was it that you share oh yeah ok chaos drama suicide attempts drug use and that a lot of that and just cry myself to sleep almost every night so a lot of sadness a lot of loneliness so when did it start denise if you got married at twenty one you had your first child at twenty two ok when did the chaos and everything start it was always there really just progressed ok years went on so like i said in the beginning there were those red flags but they were like this spring going red flags so to speak  and then as time went on the the red flags got bigger and bigger and bigger the chaos and the drama got bigger and bigger and bigger until it was two thousand and eight that my then husband had attempted to take his life with our fourteen year old daughter in the next room whoa wait a minute what so many kids do you have how many children too and the daughter was the first first one  she was fourteen at the time just about to turn or she just turned fifteen she was fourteen or fifteen wow and obviously that changed our life that was a traumatic event that changed them changed mean changed everything and that morning i had told my then husband that i wanted worse now that's not what brought it on that was just that the cherry on the top there was a lot of things going on before that that led to me saying that and him doing that which was like i was saying that the drug use and that no therapy involved now he didn't want to go you don't want to go well we had little little here little there right it was if you could visualize a mom dragging her the fine son that's what it was ok so if i could get him there he was reluctantly sitting there pouting the whole you know so now in your book empower the woman within stepping into total freedom congratulations on the lawn by the way love this you you tell your story the whole story thing we know ok so i'm going to ask you now where can you get the book amazon amazon or amazon and then i'll ask you at the end again because this is very important because you know what there's a i know there's a fact about narcissistic relationships out there right and and it's more common than not and what you shared was on the outside everything was perfect but on the inside there was a lot of broken so how do you how did you choose or what shows i know you said in two thousand and eight you said you were going to do says i'm out is that when you left ok when  she leaves two thousand and eleven ok which was the first time i left and i left again in two thousand wells ok so what happened was in two thousand and eight you know like i said i wanted a divorce i asked for that happened which obviously turned everything around and so i stayed because my kids were like right so then come two thousand and eleven some time had passed things were not there were worse you know and so i had made a plan to leave i was in south florida where i was born and raised and so with nothing but a futon couch and an air mattress i finally had the courage to leave and that's what i left south florida with talk about talk about your thought patterns did you take your kids with you my daughter to come with me my son wanted to stay now at this point there are seventeen and eighteen there older graduated from high school and and that's what all i guess all along what i was waiting for was them to get some age on them so it would be so traumatic when they're young so yeah they had graduated high school and i had made a five month plan and in that five months plan i put a date i put the amount i was going to leave with and this was happening no matter what this was happening so you had a smart goal yes yes and it was happening no matter what so what i did was i took steps to get to that date and that and goal and i didn't care about material things at it and i just sold everything really dr joye sold everything so what was going on with him now does he see you making ok right so i didn't want to do that again although he was better and he did know at the end he didn't always leave and he even helped put his daughter our daughter's car on the car carrier to the not over start not only start over my life but in essence which i didn't know at the time i was going to rebuild myself why north carolina great question because it's only twelve hours from south florida  made the transition a little bit easier so it wasn't so so new so different it was like ok i know my my best friend of over thirty years lives and reliable you has for years so that was comforting and her kids and my kids grew up as like cousins so that was comforting for my daughter as well so it was just like a you know like a little safety net to land on and then continue to to move forward and build rebuild anything i just knew that i like like you mentioned before i knew that i could run a business successfully and i did in florida i knew that and i knew i wanted to be an entrepreneur i knew i had it in me and there was something bigger waiting for me  i honestly didn't know that this was what was waiting for me so what i did was i hired a business coach and through that journey she showed me how to to create an online audience on the laptop life that i have online are that's right that's right and so through that online audience led me to initially i thought in my divorce coach like i didn't know what i was  doing you know so i thought because i came out of the divorce successfully that maybe at that's where i should be talking about will that lead to i don't want divorce attached to my name i just felt that didn't sit right ok so so through trial and error i i like empowerment i like uplifting and like to transform women to help them come out of no matter where she's been and she can come out of that so i like to empower you like to toe the women that they have voice and that they should open their mouth and use their voice and you do that very very well because i follow you on social media and you're doing a wonderful job i just want to read this fact about  disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self importance no i says cystic personality disorder is found more commonly in men the cause is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors system symptoms include an excessive need for admiration disregard for others feelings and inability to handle any criticism and a sense of entitlement the disorder needs to be diagnosed a professional and treatment involves talk therapy did i get that right absolutely yeah ok so yeah well so how long have you been an impairment coach for years now and how many follows do you have great so now let's go to the book ok let's go so empower the woman with in talk about that what's your secret sauce my secret sauce is to work on myself every single day  every single day and do you recommend that everyone see gosse that's the lynchpin there hold everybody together each individual person together then yeah so whatever that is exactly right  so what's the core message is that the core message of your book self love is the corner how do you do that because this is the question i always ask because if i truly deeply love myself what i have attracted that type of man my life mother energy on the bottom right side and then child daughter energy on the left right so you want to talk about each one of these points so what i teach my clients is how to get up into a woman energy when they come to me and same as who i was at the time right the majority of them are in the parent mother energy and they swing to the child so they swing here so sometimes their mother energy sometimes their own child so when where does a person and i'm going to hold this up here where does a person start do they start parent mother or child dorter depends on how they are raised energies they took on growing up so getting back to who we are as four years older if we're raised by our mom is our right is our greatest role model if we're raised by a mom who is a total drama queen thing is over the top dramatic and yeah yeah yeah we're going to be a drama queen because we take on that energy right right now we don't know that that's not how we want to be and so sleep were much older right so that would be child energy that would be daughter energy ok that's one of them drama queen and if in case you can see the narcissistic right calls and a child energy ok right because remember this right that's child and so how do we get from down in the corners to the top because i like to be at the top we heal our emotion well can you talk about that how do you do that again touch me i know you know ok well that's good and you read a book yeah so wait a minute now so let's talk about because we still have some some some time how long is the book because you know people don't like to read like oh them perfect is one hundred pages oh that's what i would call a toilet bowl i mean not to say that you know i finds a book that they're resonating with that they're really engaged in to read it over and over because just like when we watch a movie with them we watch it again yeah we're like i don't remember that i remember that that line or what you know so i read books for  five sometimes twenty times to really get it to really let it get it again so let's talk about your clients now ok how do you get your clients because i have a lot of viewers and i have a lot of listeners on the then talk about your process so what i do is i initially get them on the phone and i talk to them because i'm dealing with the emotional part i have to get that connection going that relationship so do you do an assessment over the phone do you ever meet your clients face to face i have really yes i have ok yeah a few of them so how so now you've done the assessment and then what's the next step then i give them an offer of where i feel would they would fit into so i have three programs and then i have audio program so i just want i'm assessing them see where they're at with the best fit would be and then i offer that to them and they choose if that's the right fit for them so you know how in today's society we want to one pill fixes all and we want it fast we don't want to go through the journey and any evolution in you know life is not a sprint right is right any how long is your process just what you said nothing just like from four years to however old we are right that was a journey and it took time to get to that  well my longest program is one year ok and then i have a twelve week and i have a five week shortened one yeah like i like intro so basically the five week is just like they get a taste of me and i hope they can get a taste of if they if they want to be here if they like it and then they can go into the twelve week which is a little more in depth and then the one years where where you dig you you going to pull the onion back yes we get to i that's that's going to that takes a person that has a that wants a strong constitution right would say yeah i'm not that has one because if you have it then you know but someone that wants that strong constitution and really does not care so do you recommend that they be on social media then well what i tell people about social media is that if you are well everything in your outside world is really a reflection of what's going on in attracting all of that drama then i did have to start asking the inner questions but what i tell people about social media is that it's like for myself i use a lot of it for my business so there's a little arrow on the right hand side you just click it and go hi post the arrow click hide that's it ok so tell me about your life now i know it's wonderful because just king is outside right yes so amazing and that's the journey that i talk about in the book that you can come from that abuse where you i didn't even know what i was enduring you can come from the what would be viewed as the bottom of the barrel and rise up into woman energy and you can create an amazing life for yourself so yes i mean gage to be married to the man of my dreams congratulating you he's so i had to be the queen of the direct my king of course yeah so that means you have to do some internal well yeah before you can open yourself up for someone else to catch you right in the right position bakley exactly so wrapping up this segment what advice or two or three pieces of advice for that you want to share that you know someone that's going through an arse a six narcissistic relationship they have or they're going through it now or they may have a friend because everyone knows somebody absolutely yeah be patient and kind with yourself that is a part of loving yourself is the patients and the kindness right through the process and reach out to somebody that you trust that is going to give you the advice that you need so like if you were to come to me dr joye i wouldn't just say oh poor you know and just sit in that poor you i'd be like well what are you gonna do about it now that you know you know what he going to do about it going to get off your and move something i didn't say they were right because if they don't and i'm this is not about judgment this is about awareness right i was i was getting something from that that's why i stayed there when i was ready that's when the shift happened and that's when change happened and that's when the action was taken where can people find you and where can people get your book again so fine you first need to make as dot com that's my web site and the social media links are there also really and i'm all over social oh yeah i know it's great and then your book and amazon and empower the woman within stepping into total freedom and it's there now get your coffee yes denise i want to thank you for