stop my crisis i'm your host vivian gas for and here today with us i'm very fortunate to have a guest who is an expert on helping you in preventing you from becoming a victim of any type of violent abuse whether it's familiar abuse domestic violence or perhaps an attacker on the street and that can really be prevented by having better self esteem and finding out exactly what that means is here with us today nancy martin nancy is an abuse prevention expert and empowerment coach she teaches others how to embody confidence repel potential abusers and overcome past abuse welcome nancy thank you so much for making it to our studios and helping us understand that abuse is many times very preventable yes thank you for having me a critic and so how can we prevent ourselves from becoming abused so i believe that the key in preventing abuse is building your own self esteem that it is really about finding your core confidence about finding yourself esteem and your authenticity and by building that we present ourselves to the rest of the world in such a way that it takes the target off her back no does that mean it's the people in your immediate circle whether it's a loved one or significant other or just some strange attacked or on the street or take what if you meet somebody in a bar does that include everyone it really does because it's the way in which you present yourself those that are there i mean you're covering so many different types of people that you like but the bottom line is those that are say the stranger or the one looking to form a relationship in which they can control the other person they know what to look for either consciously or subconsciously they know what a potential victim looks like and they're drawn to those type of people they're not drawn to the confident woman that they know will say no in such a strong way and be able to stand up for themselves they just won't and so building your own confidence and being able to hear your own voi yourself in any situation is that type of personality that they don't want to mess with begin with so when say on of yourself what does that mean i mean something people say what i mean on or myself what even to that right so what that really means to me is it is when you listen to your own and hear a voice that strong voice of yours your intuition that thing inside of you that tells you you're worthy that that voice that tells you that you're strong and you're worthy and you deserve great things and it's listening to that and what happens is so often as specially we as women as we're growing up we slowly learn how to not listen to that voice anymore and listen to the voices of others now someone actually recently gave me a tip that i try to really listen to the ever hear a little negative talk talk in your head like oh my god don't even try doing that you can't do it then you should just say it's an n l little sticks programming cancel your body and your brain is like a computer cancel and so stop and replace it with a positive variation of the same thing instead of what i'm like why am i even trying this i can't do this i'm not which mood which mentality which disposition will serve us best in this moment all of a sudden the world's open for you now how about controlling your moods to the extent that you can for example i noticed myself when i don't get enough sleep my mood is bound to be down that's right i know i need to get my at least seven to sun a half hour sleep every night because i find that i end up having more negative thoughts fill my head when i'm tired absolutely when i wake up in the morning i'm bound to do better so i've got to remember from trying have some negative talk in the evening or night when i'm staring at really listless cranky so you know what i'm going to go to bed oh i'll feel better off yeah that was a better mood in the morning yes and i just find a way to get that sleep absolutely and in my work i handle the whole being in three ways and so one is definitions using words like we just talked about it's redefining words it's how we use our words our communication to ourself and to others one is our moods and emotions that we just touched on how your outcome can be changed by the motion mood you're in and the third is the body and the body isn't just about breathing and posture but it's also how you're treating it are you giving good enough water are you getting enough sleep writing enough love are you what is it that you're doing with your body that can be altering your moods and emotions and your language what do you mean by giving a body enough flow what is that thing that can mean different things for different people it can mean moment and really looking at yourself and being comfortable with your bodies for someone comfortable with our bodies these days how many of us when we're putting our makeup on don't look at or a full face at one time but only just the one eye for this eye makeup and the lips for love but we don't really stop and look at us as a whole being if you could just tell me who could really use this information and how you get it out i really want to give you kudos is something great that you're and stopping a crisis the name of the t v show is all about also stopping financial crisis not everything but a lot of the crisis is has to do with the not having enough money absolutely when you have better self esteem you can earn more money  want in your life i mean if you have people who rely upon you financially not just yourself right so there's a lot of reasons to have better self esteem absolutely touches literally every single thing you do exactly yes so how who do you help with this how do you do it right so currently i am giving talks around the country and starting next year i am going to be going on tour with my dance your way to an empowered self workshops and i'm going to be going all across the country giving these workshops on how we can use our bodies to build our self esteem and it's amazing to see how quickly transformed and the building of the self esteem can be built when we bring our bodies into it and also  because when we embody this work and we practice it it becomes part of who we are so it's not one of those things we all have those aha moment yeah that's like two weeks and then they fizzle way and that's it that's lasts for ever when you and b i mean it becomes part of you and then it's there forever so between my talks i do do personal coaching one on one and with groups and also for my tour next year thank you so much this is i really think it's great remind people that even if you feel down it doesn't have to be a clinical depression situation though there's ways to make these changes without any chemical system right and and they can be quick easy and effective and affirmations out that suffer get that last not at all i don't it's an important thank you so much nancy and we will learn how to make this a way to make us better and our entire lives getting better self esteem and who's everyone around us not just ourselves and who we have to take care of as well three point four million children are investigated by child protective services annually of the kids in foster homes seventy five percent were neglected seventeen percent physically abused and over three hundred thousand sexually molested and i decided to dedicate my practice to helping people and parents who've lost their children attorney since davis has brought thousands of families back together and he will fight for yours welcome back to start my crisis we are very fortunate to have with us here today tommy hill can tell me is a motivational humorist life success consultant and public speaker and trainer he  founder and principal of tommy hill can productions which provide speakers trainers entertainers for corporate and community as well as private events tommy thank you so much for coming to share with our viewing audience how when you're not even a public figure or public speaker why is it so important to learn how to present really well in all aspects of your life well it's good to be here by the way thanks thanks for having me when it comes down to presenting yourself you can present yourself in a personal way as well as a professional way and most people connect with people exactly on how they present themselves so it's important people can read body language know what's going on are you confident are you shy first thing people do when they meet you is we don't like to say this but people are judging us and what i like to say is unless you're retired you however one of three categories of people your entire life you're there w two wage earner right you're self employed we w employed you go all three of these categories it's critical that they present themselves really well because even if you're a w two wage earner and you don't know we're going to counter in your workplace they could mean potentially a raise or a new opportunity at work and we all know how critical is for someone who's self employed or unemployed they need to be really on all the time you could be unemployed meet somebody at the supermarket they might have a job opportunity for you he just don't know then that's what we say how you present yourself no matter what it is if you're at the job already if you present yourself that's where growth comes in people are going to say this guy he can represent my company i like the way he represents my company he represents us well and when you think about that so if you're not employed or  you're unemployed the thing could be that how do you present yourself to someone who might potentially hire you how do you look how do you act how do you behave and that's what i'm saying it's just about how do you present yourself not so much giving a presentation which is something we teach people to do but when you think about it when you get up in the morning the head out of the house the best thing you can do is put your best foot forward and present yourself well now you're saying it all mannerisms so i've heard so many especially younger people  because we have a lot of people we work with and our organization and the younger people like it's unfortunately the grammar is just not there or they think it doesn't matter what they're used to using abbreviations because of texting do you feel still find that this is any more lax than it used to be or is it to equally important regardless of all the texting you know way of life we have nowadays it's a great question and i see it all the time people texting like you said short cuts nobody putting up  have to sit in front of someone they're going to have to get their message across i don't believe even though you see it now people hire from linked in and types of things like that with the internet so things are changing but i always feel you've got to be your personal best i always sa if you look good you feel good so you know chalking it up make yourself look as good as you possibly can and we talk about appearance i was mentioning right so if you look good people are judging you they're going to say wow you look really good today you look nice you know sometimes you just put a little extra  somebody to come up to and say well you look really nice today that's a good boost for your self image for you for how you feel and i think even boils down to little things for example for my family i always say no one's going to wear wrinkled clothes and my hou kids everybody should just you know you just better appearance for any reason and by the way that doesn't mean i love ironing it just means take the clothes out the dryer and hang it right to say what's a little ways that translates in every day life we were taught young you know i was one of six kids so we learned about my family so we learned that iron we learned how to cook we learned how to do things we learned how to make our beds all those type of things but in reality i always talk about people no matter what it was in our life my mother used to say go put your good pants on and when i'm doing my trainings most people i say to people why don't you want to come up why don't want to speak in public and the reason they say is i feel like i'm being judged and the thing i always say to them is no matter what you are so why do you believe cultivating any aspect of public thinking really helps to build any level of self confidence well i'll talk about my story and why i did it you know growing up i had a poor self image i was always afraid i was always a nervous kind of guy and people see me now and they can't believe that you know because they say wow you're a natural at what you do and i remind everybody to know actually this is a learned skill i learned how to do this i prefer being behind the scenes in everything but this is a learned skill i learned how to do it because i needed it for my business i needed to present myself so when i'm out there i do my personal best but you asked a question about personal growth when they talk about giving a presentation a public speaking what are most people say it's the scariest thing on the planet what's that old saying you'd rather be in that people have a more of a skin a fear of public speaking than death so that means i'd rather be in the box in a box than giving the eulogy and it's exactly how it works and i met a lot of people and i was one of those people but the learning is the doing so the more you do this the more confidence you get and that's why i tell people do this if this is the number one fear in the world what would happen if you got through this what could you take on so that's why when i talk to people about public speaking hey listen if you can do this maybe i'll jump out of an airplane you know i jumped out of an airplane i went white water rafting i went on roller coaster they had a perfectly working your pain why do you want my youngest there to talk with you is a great experience but i feel like that was more scary than public speaking so people have this in their head but what i like to remind everybody if you can get in front of people and present yourself with confidence not only is a boost that they want to know more about you and when people start to come up and say that was amazing that was wonderful what's going to happen your self image is going to go through the roof that's why i always say that public speaking is a great personal growth tool for personal growth but also i think it's also people have to go back to the fact that a lot of crisis ends up being solved with war money  so if you're finding that being a center or presenting yourself even better presents even more opportunity somebody sees you if you're like a set unemployed that's easy you have to get a good job but if you're self employed it's a matter of getting new connections new business alliances new clients and as you were saying even if you're a regular salaried wage earner you don't know who you going to meet the company down the hall water cooler or whatever situation company event right they see that they see selling and you may get another position and hire you know opportunity at the company there's so many ways that this can translate have you seen know this in your experiences with interacting with people in business circles that you would i always look at it this way the one thing for sure is if you're the face of the business and you don't want to be if you're going to be shy you know shy people have skinny kids is the way i look at it because think about it we have to go out and we have to sell ourselves we have to sell our service we have to sell our products if we want to make money so we have to get in front of people one way or the other we have to or we have to have someone do it for us but the thing that i see most is people the face of the business and they're shy so how are you going to get business if you're not able to get yourself or your message out there i see it all the time that's how we work with people so they can be a little more confident in their services in who they are and they can lead them to getting better in public speaking so what do you think about appearance can you give a couple quick easy things that you talk about when you say improving appearance well when i talk about appearance a lot of people say combing your hair or putting a nice tie on a jacket or a blouse or shoes or a bag that type of appearance that's all in the outside how you appear on the inside when you stand in the you stand told you stand how wrong confident are you smile now do you project that from you it's just going through life with a certain confidence it's not based on ego it's about actually becoming better at what you do and letting the world know about it there's absolutely nothing wrong with shining you know a lot of people in this world the reason they struggle i they play it small and there's no reason to play it small if you can become better a public speaking you can present yourself and make yourself into a literal giant then and women so i just want to know and when you see those great parents stepping up and standing out and standing tall how can anyone do that when they're younger to not just being in business you know can you give any tips to teenagers or you know younger kids as well i certainly can and one of the things is to get training if you can find somebody who is doing what you want to do find them and ask them how when i started doing my presentations i was always done comedy and magic so i've been on stage but i wanted to be appropriate and that i wanted to give out topics motivational captivated everyone but he made me feel special and it was ten thousand are you know in the u s well he was just a very very powerful man he knew how to use gestures he knew how to stand tall project is voice his message would come right at you and be saying like how did  did he know that about me you know so what happened was i saw him phone love with what he was doing decided i wanted to do it and i truly mean that to anybody who's looking for success successful people love the share we're doing so find them find a mentor ask them how you'll be surprised how much information they'll give you so how do you find a mentor that well you have to look this easy nowadays right you can find many many people who are out there speaking there's toastmasters my when i first joined toastmasters it was a terrific place for me my mentor was number two in the world in public speaking so he was right in my club so he taught me so much and then as i grew and i started to go i started to meet other songwriters stop for a second when his toastmaster public speaking everybody there has been through where you've been so they're very kind and loving and caring and nurturing and it's one of the best places you could ever do is go to toastmasters for public speaking and does any particular type of person attend i mean other age the classifications in order to become a member well the one thing for sure about toastmasters that it's eighteen and up it's it's a business club so i generally think you need to be at a high school but they do have youth leadership programs that toastmasters bring into schools to teach kids and another thing you're saying for self image with kids it's a great great way to do it if you can present yourself not be shy and not want to hide in your room all the time and video games will get kids hooked up and where they're not moving and stuff so it is a way to get them out in the real world in front of people so you recommend toastmasters for anyone not just someone who has to present professionally because even if they don't have to when that just elevate themselves within their own mind to give more confidence in every talk i do i say everyone on the planet should take at least one year of toastmasters just wailing one year everyone everyone everyone should go in because the greatest thing about  you learn how to do it it becomes your mission to give back that's how it works once you get taught you teach other people there's no greater premise on the planet than that thank you for teaching me now i'm going to teach someone else right and that's how toastmasters works everybody came in did know what they were doing was taught by other toastmasters now it becomes your turn to teach wow that's great organization great there is a demand requirement or is it expensive next time you go up it will be a lot less fearful and each time you do it you'll become less and less afraid and all it will do it's a tremendous personal growth tool so the answer is if you're afraid of public speaking  people said oh a picture your audience take care of make eye contact with certain people i mean i've done a lot of public speaking i'll a five right in front of hundreds of people and it's it's just one of the best people pieces of ice i've heard so far just do it afraid of what fred and the bun number one rule to remember is what we're talking about here today it's not just about how to be a public speaker it's how to present individually how to present in your day to day life so you help yourself because you need your opportunities you know unless you're independently wealthy and you have the flexibility to be a hermit right you need that they you need that you need to get out you need to shine it is the stand up and stand there and everybody should have the permission to give yourself permission to do it right absolutely thank you very much for tommy this is just i think it's really useful and helpful to everyone i hope so and this is something that will potentially stop a crisis because if you will to get out of your shell just exude more confidence in every little thing you do you will be very surprised at what doors that can open for you