thought really the furries doing nothing is pointing to this being being still i don't like to use the word practice because like most words it's been corrupted so i don't i recommend you stop are your practices which is ninety nine percent of your practices are discussing what it is you should have or they should have done or you should do or you will do if you just stop that and you just do nothing ten seconds a day ten minutes a day three hours a day five hours a day every other week or just whenever it arises because to really not do still but just based  and there you are nothing happening nothing ever happened your being yourself music from catan and i felt with the music and i bought one of her c d s this embrace and it had a dedication to her teacher ganga jane i said oh i got to beat this woman that's he and the issue i have is i lost my brother in january he died unexpectedly from a heart attack and there are times i'm just with the sadness so is this a pattern a self punishment i could ask it to this a pattern self punishment when's it going to stop when you're perfect when you do it right and you do it the way you they think you sure are going to stop right now there's a risk you know stopping i don't know the way you phrase that risk but i have it phrased in different ways if you weren't punishing yourself it seems to me that punishment either it's up punishment or punishment or rather is obviously about control and often we think if we punish ourselves we'll do it and then god gonna have to do or they won't have to do right so that it's a  risk just stop punishing yourself for a moment just aren't doing it right and so what who cares  that when i stop thinking that i have to do something like that a life change careers then i when i think up boy just think of what a gift  but the loves not god they don't have to miss it that's what i feel with beautiful and what's the other part what's that all that other part of just it's not like you're a stripper i guess it's just i want to know the answers like that how can i benefit from that was a telling i just gave you that it didn't work you lost your brother it's a tragic you fat you can easily be flooded with the love and this had this that what was the any career but you don't have to imagine it that's the point give your life to this luck that part given has cracked your heart open the you feel satisfaction right now it's you i'm afraid i'm going to go there and go beyond just feel the sadness of thinking what can i learn from his death ok so you probably will but that can be  signal and then it's not about the future what can i learn it's what am i learning right now in this book it's like what happened that's a huge difference so when we hate it with our tendency to go into the future it's really to escape what is being given and the sadness can you know painful so i don't know but often people want to get over this i had this thing get on with what's next where the depth of what is being given you will know when you've reached the bottom and then you want to have a question if you let your future if you're willing to die before you die and you're receiving what's here what here is unimaginable you aren't figuring it out you're  directing it hard analyzing it you're bo i'm t p i want an opportunity to come up here primarily because one of the reasons that i'm here this weekend is to work at learning how to let go of something that has kept me like a better were trapped for a long time and that's my i mention what i'm supposed to be and never allowing myself to be vulnerable you're vulnerable right now  i have a very old image of myself i'm sure some of it from childhood maybe some of their from past life but of what i'm supposed to be for other people i'm a healer all my identity all my strokes all my affirmations have come from what i do for others so i hide behind a veil  of i'm sure with the veil as but my fear is being seen as weak or vulnerable or in perfect order to get it you're already showing us that that's why i'm here this week i have a friday night i say i thought i  that's the truth you're not a healer it's healing that happens sometimes sometimes it doesn't make gifts of this body that are present sometimes sometimes there are you major hurdle you said so when you look inside what do you find being like he said being imperfect being so what's that what's the emotion feel that present somewhere and has a possible to approach that without a outcome to change it just to approach it just to let it  that's been a void just in this moment it's actually contributed to healing powers but now more important than anything is not even healing it i'm not saying that not changing it meeting it having it be in your heart it's making sense i've had a lot of losses in the last few months around my identity around what i'm supposed to be away from a stepmother for two very troubled children well way of creating a wonderful space to do it and i don't create this like thank god i'm not i'm not the one creating what we are all attending it together somehow and gathering together it's a very powerful prayer that's it's the way we me and it's the way you can meet yourself internally this is just yourself externally for me when i met my teacher i had to i must say it's true for everyone but i think it relates to you i had to stop identification with all of my roles because i was somewhat successful as a healer as you know a homeowner someone with her soul mate i did just stop just stop this truck drop it drop it and then at the very end i was in her door with my teacher property on the banks of the gun guy and i got very afraid because i realized i had or i had created i very good life and now i'm dropping it and so i took that question to him said it's good on your part getting a good time at my teacher and he just laughed and laughed and he said it's because you still think you're separate from god just only when you're willing to lose it all  it i can remember it feeling just like an energy of something sick sick and i was afraid of it i was afraid that if i actually went there it wouldn't win so it took the willingness to see if i made it what happens plus think courage many of my teachers that stop running from whatever you're running for so it's like it's like a child looking under a bed when a child is certain there is a demon there certain experiences it and is terrified to look under the so we're still children that lie still superstitious that way and under the bed is under our images ourselves to actually look under that at that scary something that could grapple us and take over i live action look at that clearly openly genetic material can't stop with you then they healing is retroactive and it is the mother i knew before i met papa she is not the mother i know now that's the truth beautiful isn't it only scary right before and actually being part of the body yeah there's a strength that has nothing to do with power that has to do only handle so much and then there is an exhaustion but the strength that can add to anything is surrender it's endless and it's doing nothing it's just opening and welcom and then some less that way you get another chance to live your life when i was when i first heard you i it was all audio i just closed my eyes and i felt myself being swept away being spoken to in the place where i was and that's speaking your language yes and i wrote what you were saying know about being able to love that tree but not so easy with people yeah they look too much like us and there is plenty of times i'm feeling fine i'm happy i'm open and then there's the protection of the when you spoke just a few minutes ago about a kind of a release of four ancestors or a family i mean i know that it goes back i know it's in my family it goes back and there's this anger or this hardness or this  and in the exercise before about protection i think that the woman that came up first you talked about protecting her separateness to believe she said it and i could i can feel that and there's just there's something about living with that daily kind of contraction where you know it's the end of the day and i'm tight  that too and i'll be tight and you know ok ok you know and then is there war with ok i did that and it's ok but why am i not why am tightness this anger or this or this it's a human characteristic it's part of what let your ancestors so five so that when the tribe next door attacked they could be want life to be pleasant it's not going to happen that is the thing your hair you have the capacity for responsibility you've just delineated what you understand that's pop your complaining it's like there's a net bothering me what is a god thinking about making these now so when will the nats big guy i've met the nats side no i know the nets can be ok but still the nets coming every day at six o'clock essential because that is that's part of the wiring to get under that without you doing anything is what it always say this weather is that man arises discomfort arises a judgment arises punishment right under that and that's what's essential to real what is an act even when this imperfect mechanism of this been your attention is not about honestly it's not about fixing yourself so maybe for the rest of your life this will arise maybe it won't but there is a peace that it can arise just like the gnats can cause you don't have to like um but you don't have to be miserable about them coming here and i have to take it personally there ya go as you know yourself in the car race you have discovered yourself in the car so when it's afternoon i'm feeling surly and cranky if we're trying to change that whole lives can be spent trying to change that and fix that and just over talking the deps they're absolutely at peace with it are not separate from the surface and there's not a anything wrong with changing it you can smile or they have the surface but the nature of the surface is that they are waves you know you can see the clouds and you'll get some rain but the nature of the cycle to go attack the neighboring village because you're failing it because you're just direct experience i had to have the sophistication and the intelligence to know this is something that was just passed on to you just the way this form is made yeah and so so it's something in particular about spiritual groups and groups psychological psycho spiritual groups i would say new age psycho spiritual where are tension really gets focused on fixing diagnosing and fixing and i'm you know i know i've contributed to that the lie and i have with teaching the enneagram and i can't imagine ever teaching it again maybe i will i don't know but because i think i strained our teacher stop teaching it because she said it's just misused i'm not going to teach it and we said oh well we will let everybody know that it will be misused and so they were can teach it and we let everybody know that it was misused it is so it's almost like this information that's out there psychotherapeutic creative laws of attraction whatever it may be is is very beautiful and all has its place but is so easily is ninety nine percent misused and becomes another source of punishment and self hatred and so to take a break or to take this weekend and stop the punishment which means stop the fixing let the form be what it is come up and if you are like taking it personally you're missing what a garden it is what the nature of us have weeds this beautiful to work on yourself and they fight with each other to do yeah yeah and they don't have to they can they're both welcome into the garden isn't that amazing it's not just that good that's welcome in the car aspects of yourself are welcome aspects of everybody are welcome i mean that can be hard fighting if we really spent thirty forty years working to be good and realize that even the bad ones get in because in their mind it's not fair i saw this brief every night you saw it tip over about i don't know what it was on like like sixty minutes or something blind something like that about this christian pentecostal fundamentalist christian who was oral roberts my son adopted son he was taken then he was it's charismatic christian preaching the word had a huge following i mean they were like thousands three thousand people every sunday in our huge church and but he's very intelligent man and he started really considering things and he realized there's no  i mean it was just quite clear there's no i mean there's a hell but it's not in an afterlife it's internet it's you know in our lives and he just got it and he was just so thrilled and he started preaching it and you can imagine what happened that is you know i mean he was became a pariah and lost his church but he knew that this was true and knew that this is christ didn't die just for this group of people christ died for everyone and you know i mean he could show the section of the bible that says for everyone for all of us and everyone is free everyone is welcome and he hit bottom in everybody had to hell but he knew it is hard to sister who he had a revelation and it turned out then he had a visit from some people from san francisco of course  happened to be a lesbian woman a black lesbian woman and she said come to our church and he came and there was that there were drug addicts and people with aids and the outcast and here were some guys saying you're all welcome in and in their hearts they knew it but here they were hearing it from a preacher man and so he's he's still going strong i think he travels around the different people i wish i could remember his name carlton is his first name but anyway this is what we were taught that we don't get in unless we fit a certain way and that's the fundamentalist christian way but there are many many consciousness loving itself as being every aspect that doesn't mean that that's a license to go out and act out your anger that's what we fear it means that just as many people in the christian churches  it just allows you to live in peace but you live freely allows you to put your attention on what's always here not what comes and goes and you know your anger is an issue you take an anger management course they're wonderful i work  help and all kinds of ways but oh no look who you are what is pure it's pretty your stuff not what you will be