welcome to stop my crisis i'm your host vivian jaspar and here i am today to bring and showed light onto a very serious topic that affects everyone because believe it or not it happens both ways it affects marriages families even dating people starting from teenagers and it knows no limits of age or socio economical class here in new jersey where the one of the wealthiest states the entire country and even at that status we have one of the highest occurrences of domestic violence because even if you're wealthier we're if you're not it happens everywhere with any potential family or relationship here with me today i have carolyn dealy and she is an attorney out of morristown and she's here to help us with the legal recourse that is available to us carolyn daly is the principal of delhi and associates l l c in morristown new jersey a law firm dedicated to helping clients in result their family matters with compassion and logistically easy maneuvers to guide them to safety thank you very much carolyn from many here to our studios and educating our viewers on this critical topic thank you vivian for having me i need to shed light on us what are some of the horrifying statistics of domestic abuse well interestingly enough one of the issues is people don't often feel that men can be victims of domestic violence but in fact one out of four women and one of the seven men or actually victims of a significant physical attack by their domestic partner or a spouse or a dating relationship and that i think is something that most people don't know so when they say significant do a lot of these cases have to end up in the hospital and water for an attorney to intervene or even the police or could it be something where someone walks to work they have a black guy a bruise is what qualifies and as a real domestic violence relationship or situation because so many people just say he or she won't do it again to me it'll be ok it was one bad moment it's very difficult with a very good question  domestic violence is actually one of a number of underlying crimes that in the state of new jersey is are codified by statute to constitute domestic violence in one thousand nine hundred one the legislature said enough is enough we need to address this so underlying underlying crime is can be such an assault terroristic threats and harassment however mystic threats actually only boyfriend girlfriend or spouse absolutely so the one of one of the parties can to please just say i'm going to kill you i'm they're going to find you i'm going to take your children i'm going to kill them those terroristic threats constitute an act of domestic violence and it happens again not only with women but with men and i find that it's happening with younger and younger people teenagers  college students it's becoming more prevalent in that in that demographic now i started out by saying that even though in new jersey's one of the wealthiest states in the union can this happen in wealthier areas or is it really as everyone else believes in just the lower more poverty ridden areas tell me about that demographic issue yes absolutely i can absolutely happen in wealthier cases and while there are families that difficulty often is that wealthier families men or women as victims feel much more shame and are much more reluctant to make a report in part because if you have someone who is a stay at home parent and the other parent is the one who's earning the person who's a stay at home is victim that the aggressor i'm sorry the aggressor in trouble for what has happened whether it's an assault whether it's terroristic threats whether it's harassment and verbal abuse even in those situations people are often very afraid to come forward there was an interesting study i found from an organization out of tampa they looked in tampa florida it's one of the few because there has not been a lot of study about whether foreclosure or wealthiest or those type of demographics leads or creates more of a potential for domestic violence to occur and this study said we took the overlay of foreclosure complaints actions in the tampa area and we laid that on top of the police calls for domestic incidents or domestic violence incidents or domestic problems and there was a high coincidence between the two that's what i've often suspected as you may know i've been helping families resolve foreclosure issues for years now and so many times i've walked into a house and you could just feel the tension in the air and you saw the interaction between the couples where you just knew that household was either wroth with it they're going through it something was abusive in the air and i'm sure that directly relates with what you're saying yes and that's one of other in about twenty seven percent of the cases the victim most often women had no access to funds so i guess the money that's what i was just going to ask you about is it more difficult because whether the woman or the man whichever the victim is is working  they can still have the control taken from them over there even their own income by their spouse boyfriend girlfriend because i'm sure that the increase of women now making more money than ever before i think that also has t tables absolutely and i've had cases that involve very women you would never have suspected would have been a victim of domestic violence they are highly educated have a good job and yet in the control you don't see from the outside you only see when you have a conversation finances are often an issue and it's when you ask those questions that not everybody asks as to what the basic dynamic in the family is that you begin to figure those things out i declaimed years ago whose husband if you met her you would know that there was this was an even issue but her husband would have her go to the grocery store she would go shopping she would then have to give the clerk the phone when it was rung up so that her husband could transfer the exact amount of money from the checking account into the debit account so that she could with a savings account in the devon account so that she could purchase those groceries she had no other access to anything no money no credit cards their charge counts she had no other way out and that was the fear that if she came forward and reported this that she would have nothing she'd be left out on the street and a shocking statistic or shocking fact that i came to learn is that domestic violence is the leading cause of homelessness and in the united states it is and even more shocking is that there are three times as many animal shelters as there are domestic violence shelters and that many shelters are forced to turn away people on a on an annual basis one statistic i saw from our organization in new jersey it was about four hundred people in las vegas so when second does that mean rather than literally being on the streets they many times would return to their abuser just to not be homeless absolutely and there's a whole psychology to that i mean there's a whole cycle of domestic violence with the aggressors and and the victims where the victims are because of fear or shame or because they feel they have no alternative which is exactly what the aggressors are trying to accomplish course that is they were turn and the aggressor is is apologetic they buy flowers they do all the right things for a period of time and then what happens is they build up it's called a build up in the cycle and they build up and there's another explosion but it repeats i had a client years ago who was beaten very badly and i obtained a restraining order for her and got good relief and put her in touch with some very good resources in the county where we were and yet she walked into the courthouse a week later and dismissed the restraining order speaking of restraining orders is that a recourse that someone who finally musters up the courage that enough is enough talking about the different type restraining  can someone do to protect themselves and in many cases also their children because we're god this is a man or a woman being the perpetrator doesn't the violence carry and spill over to children many times absolutely and there are statistics that say there is a positive correlation between domestic abuse and child abuse that those are often found in the same situations so they really need to protect their children as well as themselves absolutely and the other concern is there has become a movement apps to say that the victim  domestic violence if she does nothing and she continues to return that she herself could be prosecuted for a crime for failing to protect the children that's on the phone that's on the forefront of discussions these days which is obviously a very hot debated issue of course for this i can understand both sides of that i mean one hand you want to agree how could she keep putting the children back into that but i'm sure such a level of domestic abuse is the psychology psychologically it's psychology rather common to say of manipulation control to such a finite degree that they feel that they have no option and maybe their own feeling of survival perhaps might even chump their children's well being so i can see where that could be an issue can you please tell us exactly how would a temporary restraining order find interesting and otherwise known as a tear on f r oh how does this come into play to help people so if the victim finally gets enough courage to either call the police or seek a resource and meet with them and after an instance of domestic violence they either contact the police which is typically after hours which by the way is when most of the incidents occur they contact the police they would report they would come into the police station they would talk to a judge typically by phone and the judge would hear what had occurred and either grant them or deny them a temporary restraining order temporary means that restraining order means and remains in place until they get a hearing when a judge at the superior court level will determine whether or not they're entitled to a final restraining order after hearing that's often difficult for a victim when you tell them that not only have they now told the police what occurred they now have to come to court and tell that story again in a courtroom full of people but that's the only way they're going to get permanent relief and new jersey is different from other states new jersey a final restraining order of granted is permanent how what do you mean by perm i understand that's a forever thing but what does it take to take it from temporary and how long is temporary typically temperate typically a number of weeks we're some go that's quick to get a final absolutely and if once they go to a court and appear in front of spirit court judge and they re tell their story with attorneys or without the there are resources that will provide counsel for victims of domestic mylan to qualify for free and many people don't know that and it's another reason why they are afraid free is the key word rats how you get the help because of course if their control has been taken from them by their abuser they feel that they have no recourse but if their resources they're free they're all it takes of them to have the courage to do it right  and that's you get those resources not as much when you report to the police station in his will court but typically when you get to disappear court at least in the county that i practice and there are resource professionals there who will talk to the victims and so the victims would be able to have counsel for free they would go through a hearing which is where they testify as to what occurs they can be cross examined but if they prevail there's substantial aletha vailable to them that most people aren't aware of most people think that when you go to a hearing for a final restraining order well you get as a final restraining order but you can request custody of your children often something that victims are concerned about i get a final restraining order but how do i protect my children of course makes complete sense and this is really important information and i really urge everyone to reach out and do your consultations are free right no i actually charge for my consultations but there are so many resources that's really where i encourage people to start contact someone in the county that that handles domestic violence and and find a resource there's a hotline at the state in new jersey and start there what's good to know because you always hear so much conflicting information so we will show different ways that this can be accomplished so give me something carillon that explains a real life situation violence being perpetrated in the sky cycle you are mentioning and what happened so i can give you one that i worst cases and it's the one where my clan a week after getting the final restraining order and a substantial amount of assistance went into court and dismissed the restraining order the incident that occurred was her children were home her husband was drunk and although drinking doesn't cause domestic violence it heightens the risk for it he took golf club and went after her and began beating her and the only way it stopped was because number one there was a police officer living next door and there were two their thirteen year old son stood between she and her father who was swinging a golf club matter what type of damage did she sustained she had fortunately for her that intervention happened fairly quickly but she was black and blue over much of her body and when the police took photographs the day of the incident you don't see that when she appeared in my office she was black and blue in arms legs which you could sh her cheek and so one of the other things is to take photographs but remember bruising doesn't appear immediately so you have to know to continue to take those photographs because that's part of your case and that's very important can you give me a quick story to illustrate that often now men are victims as well as women and that's the stereotype we need to break yes i can absolutely go violence absolutely i can give you both physical and nonphysical violence but an instance of physical violence which was probably the one that really opened my eyes was i had a client who was a gentleman who is fairly large and tall and his wife was relatively pretty but one night when she got particularly upset she reached up on the wall in their kitchen and took down a leather strap with sleigh bells on it and began to beat him with it when we appeared in court of course everyone assumed because she was petite and he was so large that she was the victim of domestic violence but it wasn't and their adult children were there and both sons who had been present and knew of the incident were infuriated infuriated that the assumption had been that their mother was the victim thank you very much for giving us those illustrations because it's not always a knife to the throat or the very classic things that unfortunately people use what you wouldn't even suspect as an object as a weapon of torture or abuse and quite often it's fists and hands and feet  not and something outside the body like a golf club or a strap oftentimes it's literally just beating i'm sure that's many times the case thank you very much you're welcome she ripped half my hair out of my head she scratched up my face punched me in the face in the head she tore my a c l do you think physical violence harassment or verbal threats at work employers are required by law to provide a workplace pribram hazards like workplace violence even on the street i wouldn't expect to be assaulted like that certainly not it work for information go to n j week dot org or osha dot gov this message brought to you by the new jersey work environment council welcome back to start my crisis and here with me today is patty singer patti is the owner of follow me social media consulting she works with small to mid size businesses managing their social media marketing she also does consultations teaches workshops and seminars and this is social media expert on w r seven ten radio for the program change your attitude change your life thank you very much patty thank you winning us thank you so much for having me while you're doing a very different topic we're not here to change businesses lives right now no we're not what is it the very serious topic that we're tying into today is something that unfortunately the people who need it the most don't realize its importance with the today's world of technology i don't think it's easy to be invisible especially when the need to be for survival what do i mean by that unfortunately the people who are in domestic violence relationships who have tried so hard to get out in a scape once they're out they're so happy they just want to forget about their past but if they're not careful their past can come back because unfortunately really large percentage of people who are murdered are usually murdered by someone they used to love p how can those people stay safe going forward to restart their lives well like you said today technology plays a huge part in our lives right now over half the world's pop lation our internet users ha big yes oh my god and over two point two billion users are active on social media two point two two point two billion the scary statistic is that there are more people who own smartphones than toothbrushes wow sorry it's frightening to the core it is it is we should all have  so with technology you have to be very very careful as well to what you're doing on the various social media platforms what is it that you mean by that how could someone who's trying to be invisible to save themselves and perhaps the children that they're escaping with from a domestic violence relationship what is the mistakes that they can like do to can unfortunately lead their previous you know assailant back to them yeah there are you know they can go on facebook and they could be posting rants about their ex that's only going to incite their anger and make them come after them even more the best thing they can do is be really careful about what they're posting and where they're posting it what i think they should do is do a google search on themselves find you know while they can find out where they're showing up why they're showing up and on what platform so they know where they need to really keep quiet or be careful about what they're posting out there another thing they can do is disable the location finder on their smartphone because your smartphone is telling the world exactly where you are but aren't there some tut tut forms of social media that some people use it to check in again they do actually that might lead to you probably absolutely foursquare right there is foursquare you can check in on facebook you know there's a ton of the apps out there that you can check in on and say you know hey i'm at this restaurant with my friends it's just leading those people right to you and that makes you unfortunately it makes you a target for sure and so when you take pictures with your friends and you end up doing that let's face it almost everyone does that you can't help but your friends and a posting or tagging you in the pictures can someone do something about that to keep themselves safe they can try you do you should let your friends know what your situation is so they can be mindful about posting pictures with you in them and tagging you and saying where you're at you know tell them what the situation is and they're usually very receptive to protecting you since you are their friend and the next thing you can do like within facebook is you can set a security feature in there that says i don't want anything i don't want myself tagged on anything or in any picture without my approval so you can set that up so every time someone tries to tag you you will have to approve that tag first honestly i had no idea yes so we do have to end our time but this is amazing information that i think that there's millions of people in this situation unfortunately that never realize this can you just give us one more quick take i would say you know whilst of us are on facebook most of us that's where we connect with our friends and our family if you've already blocked that person or unfriended them i would say the next best step would be maybe to create a whole new profile that's a good idea tell your trusted friends and family ask them please don't refresh and the person you're trying to get away from whether a chair acts or a stalker so that way you can very much distance yourself from that person without a large chance of it leaking out to them that is extremely useful information thank you so much mary so welcoming to educate our