and we didn't bother to change very are we didn't actually write as we are so hope you don't mind so we talked about we've been talking about communication and the last couple shows we did and this is kind of the last show i want to do on is for now anyways because there's still more that we can learn and do but i wanted to do something that's come up at work a lot and that is around the idea of saying and  ecause in my work in twenty five years i found it that's really hard for people to do is to say this word no and so the walk away from today's show is that if you're somebody you know struggles was saying  if you hear from your parents or yeah what you just reminded me i had somebody who says they were taught you know to say yes you know to help others to always give of  they have the right to say no you know that it's not their right to say no and yes i don't know i know it is a tricky one you know because it's kind of what we're looking at is what goes into that sort of stuff i actually created a chichi to let me see if we've got all of them oh be nice old one yeah we forgot one you guys are more than me but there was one i had of a paper that is really really important and a lot of times we just don't know what to say i could see that you know what is a all yes is easy and i want to share with you guys the story of one of my patients this happened she had five brothers and sisters and she was the closest she lived next door to her mother and how she became the only caretaker of her mom and she would have to go over and give her mom her insulin injections you know three to three times a day now this woman had her own son and she came to our program because she's struggling with depression but what was interesting was is they just kind of put it all on her you know and they knew that she would do this and we kind of talked about how she wasn't haven't a life with her own son because she wasn't saying no to the brothers and sisters and so there's a lot of cost to people that goes with this you know for her it was her health kind of went you know for other people it can be money i know people who would give you the shirt off their back you know give you the last ten dollars that they had for the rest of the month they would say no to for you said can i borrow some money yeah and then they would have nothing you know to take care of themselves and so this is to me this is it's a simple little word but it sure can be a complicated one in our lives and being able to say that to people so believe it or not i didn't come up with this idea on my own about three years ago maybe we were doing a group of people who all somebody  but what happened to me was i started twenty five years ago working in a hand in a psychiatric hospital and on never forget because they said somebody said to me carol if somebody asks you for change for a quarter you have to say no change for a quarter that and the reason was very properly so if you were my patient and you said carol can you give me change for a quarter and i did there's nothing stopping you from coming back later and saying she cheated me meaning me so i got it i mean i got it i could so the trick was how to say no without saying no because i struggle with out myself i had to say no to people about making change so how could i do that and some of the secrets were you know kind of i call them secrets are really kind of like what's the word i can't think of the word i'm thinking of but ways that we can do it it makes a little bit easier for it to come and again like our last show it takes practice you know it's not like you pick up a hammer the first time and you're a pro it hitting the nail right you probably hit your song ten times in a nail once same thing with these tools you got to pick them up because your practice only that it keep practicing them in order to get them better so what i want to do is we're going to come up with ways to say no without saying no and i want you all to revert to your parenthood days and some things you would say now not to put you on the spot and i know it's kind of hard coming up with things right off the top of your head but i'd rather just get a couple good ones you got and all throw in my own ideas  so that's what we're going to do we're going to make a list here and in a dnd i'm going to give you my list which is actually two pages so there's probably twenty five on each side so i'll give you fifty new ways to say no without saying the word no is running late for something and she said mom could you let you know for college could you wake me up or have coffee and you can almost guarantee it's going to be three or four or five hours later you know and you know so i'll be doing things but i'll be hanging out and it attard well here's another example that with the team that i would have in the past is a number of years ago but i might consult with a few people who have say no to management about something and because i once again i'm like really making that were ok carol i don't have twenty dollars to give you so let's put this one up or high home whatever days twenty dollars i don't have the time to be somewhere else what would kind of i'm i can't be late for reading that i have yeah and so they're opposite here and to me the way to do that is to honor both it doesn't have to be one or the other it could be both and you just honored that part that i'd like to help or i wish i could or i'd love i mean i even will say i love to help now's not a good time you know and i was thinking about your text you know and i  sitter right and so and normally i feel bad there's no other way to do this but this past summer i said i just i can't do it you have to find another way it's too stressful for me i have to work and i wanted to you know and can i tell you also you just come back here come back here because we just came up with one of the reason why you said it all right you ready true stuart had a patient who is really suffering with a lot of depression so she would say yes to people and then she had no show like and say yes but then when it came time to go she really didn't feel like leaving the house but then she'd feel bad because she said yes but you could say no right with me so far so one of my coworkers a social worker said to her just say this instead i'll get back to you you don't have to say yes you don't have to say   all get back to you but now here's where was it i like to help so let me tell you let me tell you i want to go to the next page every where i sit it has the hospital when it came time to make change for a quarter because i got asked that was my that was my heart i wish i could and then kind of along those lines  yes it is it is and i say this when somebody wants to talk about some and you're there check in your timing you know and you will say to them i want to talk about this right now well right now is the great escape from our last job and what you want to say to them  i'm not able to talk about this right now that might have worked for this person it might have been if we're successful i don't subtle differences but again you don't know what you don't know and for me it's kind of giving you the word tools because words are tools and it either can hurt us or they can help us and if you don't if you didn't grow up because that's the other thing we didn't put it back on our other page so guess what we got a lot more we have to say  when i grew up with that was my environment that was the language that i learned growing up so guess what i'm just doing what i know it will make make sense and i mean if science a reason why and i guess what i like to get people to understand is if you don't even have to know the why in order to change it you get to ask is what i'm doing working and if it is good you know what maybe this could add make it a little easier life a little easier and if not i want to walk and if i did that i would have my job and so you know it would be kind of that that added little kind of i guess is you can always put in the detail today or you know but i also have this belief you guys we don't have to explain our feelings and sometimes saying no and you know when i say more about the why orks try to explain it it's almost kind of like i'm trying to rationalize yeah my decision and the truth is if i want to say no i can say no if i think it's a better choice of ame carol kind of our money and specially family members are know about you all but i've learned that guess what best not to do that because once you open up that boxing you know goodness so what i would say is if i had somebody asked me for money if i had it and i could give it not expecting to get it back i would give it because i think when you give something you better expect not to get it back right but the other thing was a say ok when i win the lottery  few minutes together we can look through here and if you start at the top there says now's not a very good time i would if i could that used to be one of my other favorite you guys there is someone here you probably would think up by just oh yeah i got visions you know you wouldn't let me think about it there is the one one one word in the in the middle there i'll get back to you   at one word yeah i want to write this one up here so people will actually see this once again he comes back to do it some ways think of it this way saying no i not saying yes right and so i don't say yes to you but if i say maybe that's what that works to give you kids a little bit of know like yeah like and so i had no bourse i mean this is really comes from words that people when we would do this is a brainstorming over about four or five different times you know the one i kept it in there even though it doesn't follow or says just say no but but again i'm busy right now i can but i don't you know i want to i can't but i want to but then the other one is i can't but i ask someone else you know and i was thinking about like a ride to work or pick him up at the car you know you get your car fixed you know i could get somebody else or try so and so you know try and especially it's families  sometimes too it's harder to say no to the people that are closest to you not right now is again a simple one when we talk about my any i don't have it you know  filter you know any real my goal was not to filter i like this one i can't fit it into my schedule you know and i would prophecy that by saying i would love to meet get together say i don't know if i can get it into my schedule so there's ways you can use a little variations i have some questions about some of these yet so by court order i'm telling you these were just came from the words from my patients so in honor of them i didn't go changing them around because i think what's really important too is that what will work for one person won't work for another you know and i think this person was really had a situation in their mind and they were like no there is no way i'm giving you custody of the kids you know and that was kind of fun not mistake it was by court  ways you might have heard and it could be parents you could be teachers it could be anybody you know that would say no to you because those we got it we were good with kids because we know that they have a little more challenges understanding so we cut them a little more slack and keep things simple right i think we should do the same when we get to be adults and still keep things simple which is why my favorite is get back to well you know let me i was quite person was an advanced math class and you said according to how well you did and so they wanted me to ask her geometry you know as long as you understood who do we have to have every little word when we write the theorem or whatever on the board you know and i was like this is not my thing to you know this is the toughest of tough teacher but they stick might you can do it so i did it i asked a question i said if we understand it and we're simply explaining it do we have to have all the you know whatever she goes yes because i said so no this is more of a because i mean control no no no it wasn't a no it was put you in your place kind of yeah zero zero zero but you see some ideas on here that you know just simple ones it just to kind of again just were here and so hopefully you guys are to walk away as are leaving with some you know new ways to say no and if you want this work sheet i call in action sheets you can go to well university t v forward slash t v and question so if you've got a problem you want to bring on the show drop me an e mail carol that well university dot com we got more tools so come on back until then here's to live in well today