life changer i'm a therapist by degree i have a licensed clinical social worker and i have an addiction specialist by over the years i've found that there are a lot of people really unhappy in their lives and i need my business life works because i think there's a way to take what you've got to make a little bit better instead of trying to change everything which is exhausting and difficult i think everybody's basically got some some good in them and they can enhance what they've got and i found that people's lives  lot of things but addictions which is very broad it's drugs alcohol gambling sack shopping spending angry men have the want to go out and work in jail for five years you learn a lot about drugs and you the largest percentage of people who are in jail or are there as a result of drugs or alcohol whether the crimes were committed under the influence or whether they were committing a crime to get money to buy drugs and it's often connected i once had a few inmates in my office and somebody on the phone was asking me what percentage of the inmates would i think were addicks and i asked them and they said a hundred percent so it's pretty close if not one hundred percent whether they were dealing it selling it's folky of shooting is the connection to reasonably happy well it just people don't go to jail we're talking before about some of those places you go into that but you do some of the addiction work like they should be happy people that that once you learn how to accept the addiction except where it came from and really are serious about changing your life you really cannot let people to get better people to get into recovery and make changes people do lose weight people stop being so angry i mean a but it takes work and you know i have a little thing of fairy dust in my office but it's just not enough that people have to do some of the work and what's the most common type of addiction with a true that you see i know that there's anyone that's the most common and it is a lot of drugs and alcohol but there's a tremendous amount of overeating compulsive eating more with women and men not that you don't see obesity in men but women obesity often equals depression play something else going on real sadness for the hiding of something that's going on and that's a tough one because we have to be you know when you stop drinking or drugging you stop you abstain right you don't abstain from a while yeah so it's different and there's a lot of compulsive people there's a lot of a lot of other things there's depression and anxiety which sprit much the two most common things that i see going on but people are struggling with all different areas of their lives financial right now so many people are struggling  lot of unfaithfulness in relationships people are unhappy they're disconnected from their partners people marry the wrong people to begin with which is hard you know realization to come to especially when there are children yeah  the children become the ones who suffer when the parents are unhappy so it's connected what brings that on well what i find with couples you know when i when a couple comes into my office i try to get a little bit of a history you weren't really connected at the beginning right right the disconnect can happen and i think when there is an emotional disconnect it's when people look for other things that make them happier of the people that listen to them because there are that perfect daughter that we were talking about before who says they marry for life i can't i can't leave and they put the facade on and they their hair is down and they were born is magic you're it kids look great and nobody knows about pain i have one friend who divorced after thirty one years i have another who divorced thirty six the woman i was talking to a couple of weeks ago forty three that's a long time to stay married before you divorce it's not easy divorce isn't eas when you want it it's not easy because we all we know when we get married we think it's for ever a right we want to be forever and what about the kids and families with these really i think it depends on how the parents handle it i think that kids can be ok if the parents learn how to be friends but at least be so there's some divorces some people are friendlier as divorced than they were when they were married and that's good for the kids because they see them you know being able to talk to each other but i see kids i see a lot of adolescents as well and they talk about the dickering between the parents and one is still angry the other kids are in the middle and the kids have to relay messages that's problem but then you know very often very often what's the is the kids acting out in school or the kid is a smoking pot or the kid is doing something and then you know invariably the kid doesn't live in a bubble you know when your kids sponge  right so if you've been sleeping in separate rooms for your entire marriage and the kids have never seen you touch sell things not yeah right because they go to their friend's house next door and they all eat dinner together and the father happens a lot with lots of different reasons and sometimes you know when just too much you know they love each other but sometimes one just goes into the other room to sleep because it's so distracting but sometimes that's an excuse  and sons and perfect daughters are both the names of books written by a man named robert ackerman and many years ago i heard him speak and i actually heard him speak a number of times and i started to find that i would hand the book to different patients say you read this book perfect artist was originally written for adult daughters of alcoholics i would cross out alcoholic and just write dysfunction whether it was depression whether it was a band to me whether it was divorce the oldest daughter in the family is often the one trying woman she'll say oh i'm not perfect and i always say well perfect daughters are not people who think they're perfect these are the ones who think they're supposed to be perfect right balance sons are the men that they marry and they are of books bring each it has a lot of interesting chapters titles like one is moms and sons one's is fathers and sons one is the relationships my favorite title is that's just the way i am because different every month the paper will be women in their money a passionate relation i have a financial planner who comes in from david lerner and we had about talk each other about finances and money three biggest things that people fight about sex so you tend to do what your parents did right right or do the opposite of what your parents did if you don't like which parents but often people connect and they don't have the same money style not that one is right or wrong they're just different you know there's the one who ever pays everything on time has no debt doesn't carry over invariably marry somebody who pays twenty bucks a month forever you know it's just the way you know you see have to find a way to make that work and those that really go without becoming a big issue  because sometimes he thinks it's ok to buy a five thousand dollar wad right but when she wants to go on vacation it's not ok you know so what what's the determining factor of what is it ok to spend the money  makes that decision right and it often comes from where you common what you did and how your parents spent their money so it's not only because there isn't any money right it's different ways of dealing with but how to how is that h you how do you adjust that the people deal with which i have a couple yeah dealing of money issues well i began to point out you know why how how do you put the value on a vacation as opposed to peace jewelry what determines which one is worth it you know if it's worth it to her is that any less important than being worth it to you and i really just try to get into to look at it look at the bigger picture and that you know a porsche or a vacation it's really the same you know right which is right and if you do this for me i do that for you and you know marriage is a give and take relationships are give and take it's about compromise you know if you stick your your heels in the sand and you won't move but it makes very hard yeah it's now is is there one member of the couple that usually takes the lead on handling the money or no and it varies it's really not  one of the other across the board i've seen i have seen families couples where one of the people in the couple has never ever opened a bill and could not tell you how much money is in the bank the other account some people just like to have their own money right so that's why the money styles are really interesting or you know we talk about because people hoard money but there are people i can't tell you how many people have money in a match it's just shocking really broker where the money is hidden in the house so if anything ever happens to her and the amounts are mind boggling you're going to linings of things i mean just really in strange place and i had a professional organizer with me sometimes i do with somebody else sure and we were some guy was mentioning how you can get in organize and organize your bills and i said don't use online  right yes a week later you know find something to make sure i get it's not the only way to do things people get very set in stone i was did a workshop a financial workshop and a woman was telling the story that she went to visit her only because of the house we lived in that was the way they fit in the closet they don't fit my closet that way so that's not the way you focus well and it was a revelation because to her there was only one way to fall out and there is at least three by the way how these things turn into not even tradition just like all right it's the only way to do it is a very simple story about a loaf pan and a cake or a bread i mean cut the ends off because it think information will be showing up sorts really on your screen you for coming in we'll have to have you back thanks so much more to talk about ok thanks now ron cowen thanks for watching