the wellness coach so welcome if you've not tuned into well you show before we're basically here trying to give people some tools to live well i used to teach him for twenty five years in the hospital and so we just have this opportunity to bring the right to you i prefer people not go to the hospital if they don't have to do so that's kind of the idea and we've talked about a lot of things over the shows we've done i remember on how many times about anger stress similarly the holidays we talked about sleep we've talked about communication we've talked about when you're living with a chronic health issue you know what to do how you can manage that we just talked about i think our live show was people pushing your buttons oh up an idea and this particular show julie you brought up we were on our way out from taping one time and you said what about dealing with difficult people or situations so guess what that's what we're doing it  yes so kind of kind of created like a worksheet and so how we do things here it well you is you you can get access to this by going to the website now give you the address later but what the goal is then this i would tell you get a notebook and make it be your tool box and just put all the tools that you kind of get here so i want to give this to what if each of you ladies there's one time i went over to her you got two copies called me about but i was like where'd that come from you know which is very dominant person kind of dominoes and i think when you think about difficult people there's lots of ways people can kind of be difficult they can be kind of dominant they can kind of be pushy  i put a first call on that we could work on was types of people and interestingly enough it could kind of go right along with what we did in our last show which was people who push your buttons member some or situations because i think there are some some you know different things and my goal is to have you walk away because i had said what i would say in a situation somebody you are go that was good i was like ok well then we could talk about that because if you don't know what to say then you're kind of trapped you know and so that's my goal is i want you guys to have other words to say and anything that we talk about today i'm going to capture it and put it up on the website so people can have access to it so you don't have to sit here and you guys just let it flow you know my goal is just let it flow in this way will kind of get it all so i want to put types of people first and and and think i think we're going to write just relationships you know because it could be girlfriend boyfriend it may not be husband it could be call for a boyfriend or you know but but can he think of situations people you know there was also another one i think and you mention it now that i'm thinking about it it was one i said yeah right right that that one gets to me maybe more than the aggressive the passive aggressive yes so so i think i want to just take a quick moment case somebody doesn't know what it means you know so to be aggressive doesn't mean i'm physically aggressive it means my communications are kind of crossed the line put you guys on the defensive kind of kind of bossy pushy sort of stuff in this which i used to be the queen of is letting it come out sneaky and if you don't see that show it's a very good show to watch because it talks about how this communication style is really the most damaging to any relationship whether it's personal intimate family work it really is the most challenging kind have to deal with you know can we think of any other types because because because because we have done this and i want to get so put your head up you know that when you push it's human nature to push back you know right so when we get somebody with an attitude it's very easy for i had the other one again i'm thinking kind of like doctors are people that are supposed to be you know kind of like a doctor you know they're developing intimidating and yeah that's a great word avoidance that person that avoids to me that's a difficult person to try and deal with especially if you're trying to get anything done you know so you know because you can't you can't get communication sa and the other thing i was going to say is for me procrastinators like when i would have all that i work with you know i found they were just really difficult you know and and we had we had communication style over here there's one other one i want to put down there and and that is really that person it's passive which might mean they're the of waiter you know they just don't want to take a stand yeah that's a good that's into the line of that those are types of people you know that we might have difficulty kind of dealing with not all doesn't involve all people so what's the what's the next one on the here but i'm just wondering if there were yeah others not i was thinking about that in the doctor's office situation yeah yeah right because yeah because i could i was even so much with the doctors as much as the staff know a situation you know or you know well and actually i could think of a situation at least for me i've screwed up had a group a very high kind of like high functioning you know resident so we were going away to florida on vacation and i had to make all the plans and stuff so i made all the reservations right  but in doing so i actually also bought the insurance for each one of them and i don't know if i didn't know what insurance man at the time you guys or whatever but turns out we ended up not going but the facility had to put out like eight hundred dollars you know because we didn't go and i had to go to the superintendent you know to meet with her and i was just like go home my god you know what i'm going to say because i just cost agency eight hundred dollars i mean i don't know what i was thinking i was young and so sick and in her office thank god she i just i didn't know what to say to her and she said look it's a learning situation thank god she was so good christiane that she managed it not me that you know i just kind of sat there i was kind of like i remember crying before going in there and oh and i've since learned this you know what when you screw you can only control what you can control right so you got any other kinds of situations you know i was going to put this i know it came up with the last one but i'm just going to be i will put stores  of jumped out at you there's one good authority and a little bit different it was kind of your doctor's office but it work i can remember just really holding somebody in high esteem and highest authority and then all right so then how do i kind of interact with that person and i my yet oh my god my an that would be by when you know so you're intimidated over very much so very much so so yeah i would like not talk because i was afraid of the white words and i got my mouth here's another it's hard to yeah yeah well and i just think if you know what are times when you've lost it you know or just really not kind of know what to say but this is good i mean this is this is good so we're moving on to the next part already i want to say what i say and so one of the first ones i want to share with you all and i actually got them written down because i didn't want want is not fly in my head was i remember saying to you and i had somebody either so i had a picture not telling me the truth being dishonest you know or kind of telling me so i didn't make sense or even when i've been really angry all right like at the gas people aback a few months ago and yeah yeah down oh yeah so so even want to get angry you know so that i don't want to attack the person or be aggressive in my communication i will always i will start out with this you know so this is the word a very neutral word on conflict that i like to put on it works if you've got somebody who's telling you something that doesn't really match with what you know or they're tell you one thing or even just angry with the gas people you know i was like well i'm a little confused you know and it's just a very neutral way to kind of almost think it is like knocking on  a angel you know i'm confused and whatever it was if it was something somebody told you that wasn't necessarily the truth and you knew that there was like the dishonesty you know or you know i'm even thinking about it's come back here it's come back to our people i mean we got our doctor's office but we're going back to kind of even with relationships i mean the i'm confused it's a really very neutral way and you can put the feeling behind the confusion and it doesn't come out as anger does that does that make make a little bit is and i have used this i have used at  you know just is and it always works yes well it begins to conversation could cause a again if if you've got people that are difficult to deal with they either going to not tell lies or they're going to attack you or they're not going to open the door and i think of it could nice neutral somebody tells you the bill's going to be this and it ends up being this you know and you could say wait a minute all right all right actually i was thinking i just use that today so when i went looking for all right my easy button i went to staples dot com looked all stored flemington has two in stock let me go over there wouldn't go over there said to the girl where do you guys keep your easy buttons oh i know when to the guy you know mike says oh oh we haven't actually could hear exactly what he was saying but i knew he was kind of like say we haven't heard we have gotten any of those in a long time and i said well i'm confused because really i was pissed because i drove all the way over there just for the purpose of getting a button because your computer said that you had him so i just said i'm confused how come your computer says you have it and now you're telling me i did you know and has said well that's was a complete waste of time and so here's what i did i walked out to my car and i was kind of still upset you know a little fuming and i said wait a minute who  going to believe the computer of the man and guess what i decided staples dot com said that they had to they probably had to and he may just not know about them so i went back in you know and i said listen if you had it where would they go but find another and because if i said i'm disappointed that is that's a pretty emotional laden so confused is a very neutral emotion people are going to tend to react to it very defensively that i don't think i've ever had anybody kind of not to prefer personally and professionally you know and it's i you know not sure or i usually says well i don't know if you're can you give us an example oh my god the one thing that you know so i think for me this one isn't i don't want to come off you know like you have a situation where you see somebody is doing something that they really shouldn't be doing you know or that kind of like not very healthy for them to do or even for me work situations and i think mostly in work that i've used this today to see somebody talking to a patient in a kind of disrespectful way or something so what happened to me was when i first started working in health care at hampton hospital my coworker asked to talk to me you know along because that's the other thing you don't make an audience you do talking one on one and she said you know carol she said these words is where i learned from you his i don't know if you're aware of this you have a habit of talk of touching people with your hands when you talk to them and then and i was like i said actually no i did not know that i really did that and then the next words were and i don't like to be touched i was like oh it was like that get away commercial you know back then there are ways but it's a really good way of bringing something to somebody who's attention in a very non threatening sort of way you know i used it with patients you know so i'd have this patient who would get anxious at the same time every day or i would watch two you know because you can even go with loved ones so let's say that this happens well let's say you have a child who can it keeps going after the wrong relationships you know you could say i don't know if you were of this but the last three times people that you've dated you know and again it's neutral you're not saying you're going out with you know idiots but it just puts it on a table and that's really what we're trying to do is put stuff on the table and if you if you want to that somebody you know something that is really fun comfortable for either them or for you this is a great way to do it you know because a person and you know we'll have all of this stuff available for everybody so here's what my father used to ask is there a reason instead of saying your late you didn't pay me when you needed to you didn't do this you didn't do that you did it kind of like it is again kind of not  you know my boss you know or doctor's office quite honestly a j i had a doctor's office and every time i went i didn't have waiting for like twenty five thirty minutes and so i got two words a will is there a reason you know why because it might be what doctor had emergency right that's the button right but you know like after so many times it's like and so this is just another good way to ask kind of a question in a very not not very pushy sort of way makes sense yes all right let's see what else i got here because oh all right ways to say no we did a whole show on doing ways to say no without saying no and i'm going to say don't say and so for example i say i'm not able to one of the guards at the hospital he has to keep people from going into the emergency room and i never appreciated that until he said he had an incident where you know somebody's actually been some kind of trauma the mom want to get back there get back there get back there people family members want to get back into the emergency room to see family members and i said to him if you say no you can't go because what flash flame you know but if you say i'll let you know as soon as you can or you know what we're not able to right now that it's just not saying that and in that oh so person's brain doesn't make sense and then and then here's the one i would always say and again i've used it personally and professionally and it's just i guess i think of these is kind of lead ins you know that's what we could call these if we want to call them something i say is help me understand you know instead of saying julie you're look really pester why are you so pissed i'd say julie help me understand what you're feeling right now because especially if you're dealing with things are wonderful they are hell yeah buddy you want to tell anybody what they're feeling and so this one is just a little knot you know inside and what i love about this one quite honestly is i want to teach at a hospital all the time because if you're an e r nurse or the people they work with or you're a crisis worker you're meeting people for the first time and when i'm meeting a patient for the very first time you know what i kind of was i don't know you we don't have a relationship right but we can and so what i learned was to say you know so help me understand what brought you to the hospital or help me understand what's going on with you right now i've even had you know really good friends who were just so upset and i said help me understand what's going on right now you know and what here's what i think it does because we talk about invalidating which is very validating words to say to somebody you know hey it says i want to understand and be it is so it says i'm going to give a shit this is my my first one and all you have you know kind of like a lot especially in a situation even if it's i don't agree with what help me understand then how it's you said it was going to be ten dollars and it wasn't i use my  confused today right at the have stable store but of course it will help me understand why your website says that you got to yes and you don't have any in the store and so again it's just a way of kind of leading in if that makes sense yes all right so let's go you set you up from the very beginning let me see what else did i say oh yeah especially in your relationship something as simple as carol where do you want to go to dinner i don't care you can say any place is good to me but this i don't care has this little undertone now or or even if it doesn't matter you know care you know no i mean everything's ok and in my little cheat sheet says oh yeah you make me you all didn't because again nobody has that power over us that's our feeling response to them now and so it  really cuz this again is instead of a gentle knock on the door this is like bust and the were open so if you think all these things is not the law knock on the door to create you know a dialog it's the slam in the door and or he's like slamming on the door and good good good good because that was the whole purpose of the show so i want to thank my guests for joining me again today without you we can do this show and you know check out for your action sheets you'll see the website at the end of this you know video and i just want to say here's to living well today