they are crew members but they're al thank you very much david jared whatever  working really hard it was originally by steve martin and bernadette peters and this particular arrangement by molly oh songs from back in that time and i decided to redo this one and it's going to be on my next cd coming up a couple weeks and it goes like this know that's the way it is in this world you know i'm thinking about it you know you know really people used to yeah people used to pay for albums because they were tenuous they were something that you would hold the once music became software it's just the saturday every month we're really really lucky because we have all there who's here tonight and masterful musician and we're going to bring him down is he here in the room now we're going to go get him in a room he appears regularly at the comic strip live in new york city recently was a finalist in new york new york got talent and will be performing this summer in los angeles at the burbank comedy festival we are extremely lucky to have james and he has been see my dad puerto rican my mom chinese and people always ask me how they met that's a very common question my parents actually met in college but my dad was my mom's professor yeah so i am the extra credit guys everyone falls asleep so it's the same thing my that's all right my professor dot com the guys on their website is no one yeah you do yeah it's a website where students can go online and they can write their college professors on a scale of one the five now when this my mom's very strict oh she would do something like that she's very strict with grades i mean when i was a kid i would come up with my report card she would always yell at me so i got back great like james how come you can't get straight a's straight only i was like mom you gotta remember i'm only half chinese yeah half you want to study half the wants of salsa give me a break she used to get me to readers to the try to get me to get better grades how embarrassing is that i'm chinese should i be the one doing the tutoring like what do you think my tutor thought when i came in for my first session he saw me like a chinese guy what is this a challenge what that's what the heck is going on here i thought job security and my mom got me a tutor on saturday that's the one day i had off from it's not unfair i was that fair if i get a bag and you hit me if i get a good grade you should like buy me something you know maybe a trading card or some video games or some band dates i can cover up my bruises you know that be nice and that on sunday my mom would take me to a buddhist school she's a buddhist so on sunday i'll have to pray with monks all day yeah anyone else know that's weird i never like going so i always go and bring my gameboy and one day my mom called me with my in the temple she got so mad like james you cannot bring your game to temple you will make the very mad i was like mom what are you talking about buddha's asian he'd love a game boy you're praying to him i'm honorees i don't really get that one because i mean cubans have nothing common think about he's rich i'm poor he's famous i'm on known he's neo i'm just no you know can't grow facial hair either that's a bomb or i want facial really bad this is me after a month of not shaving guys yeah this is now three chest hairs i know exactly where they are right here right here right here my dad terry to i don't know why i don't have any hair it's really weird my dad is a weird guy though he's o c d before i leave the house got checked the stove like twenty times he's got the lights which on off twenty times lock and unlock the door like twenty times that's fine  weird thing is that when i was a kid my dad would check on me when i was going out he'd only check one time that's a big change we're going to let him go and now he's like ok cool really that's it one time for me twenty times for the stove it's lonely being an only child man i've become a loner from being an only child like i do everything alone i eat alone i drive alone i have sex alone everything but also people find out you're an only child the never happy for you there's no excitement no one's ever like james you're an only child himself when i got good grades one time i was like monkey buy me this please she's like no no no you got back great i'm like i can't get medicine you serious have a stomach ache of a headache i have diarrhea i can't get advil you child my mom would yell at me like james you take the cookies from the cookie jar if you take a look in the liquor cabinet you take the money from my purse i'd like i don't know i'm drunk eating cookies lady leave me alone you kill my buzz get out of here how dumb is that for me to take like money from my mom's purse liquor from the liquor cabinet i'm an only child i'm obviously going to get caught that's ridiculous you know that's like that's like farting in an elevator with one other person it's the same exact thing the person looks at you like dude are you serious i know it's you you're the only one here you're just like a baby came from your pants a lot i really do want to be a brother really really bad it's so sad you know one time tag foursquare kickball stickball ding dong ditch you play ding dong ditch you can tell me i'm cool he's like ding dong ditch is that for x box or p s for i was like no it's an outside yeah i try to buy more football for christmas and his mom told me to return the football because he doesn't like footballs pulled by a video game i think a football is a better present right but i'm a football he started on the football he gets good at throwing the football so he's playing yeah i'm trying to get out there oh sorry i was saw a girl the other day she called me cute i was like thanks grandma that's nice of you thank you thank you very much thank you very much get your hand off my new i got a new dog to food all day and i went to the bathroom outside that would not be considered cute that be homeless i got herself now been single for a while now i'm starting excuses as to why i'm single like i say have no time for a girlfriend which is ridiculous because i'm a comedian nine minutes a night you know i have time also i save the money for a girlfriend i can't afford to go out to eat which is also ridiculous because my friend i went to a went to a restaurant recently a diner i forgot his wallet so the paper his whole meal the whole time i'm paying i'm like thinking i'm like well you could have been a girl i just spent money i could have but on a date with someone oh my god that i drove my friend home i think we're going to hang out more i when i was younger like they're more understanding like when i was in high school they would ask me like james have a girlfriend i'm like no like oh it's ok you just be a little brussels sprout you know you're just you're just going through puberty i'll get him later than i was in college or like james have a girlfriend no oh you're just a young little scholar yeah you just want to get an a or to the pugs good for you now it's like james you have a girlfriend you know oh you're just a young little gay ah well that makes no sense to me why is it my sexuality they question should be my personality right maybe it's me but my mom's really strict i want to meet the chinese girls so they said james you have girlfriend i'm like now she's like who you should marry chinese girl for me it could be fun i like mum i want to marry someone i love i want to marry someone for you right what kind of wedding vows what i write this girl i take this girl for better i take this girl for worse i them that part anyway so yeah so dating that i'm scared to be in a relationship the man i gotta tell you you know but the whole thing about sort of i'm going to backtrack here the whole point of a date is to meet someone right so why would you want to know everything about them before you go on the date you know like if you meet a girl in a day and you're getting to know them like i'm going to like baseball  you like cats i got to go where you know i think i'm scared to be in a relationship man because you know i like being single can do whatever i want you know i want to be like that with a guy you know i'm talking about i got a friend he's totally he want to you know go out tonight he's a guy so just let me ask my girl friends i can like do you're an adult you don't want to get in trouble i'm like if your girlfriend or your parole officer you know jesus christ i'm just scared that if i