to take care of physical problems we need tools to take care of motion problems and so what we've been doing is working on some different subjects over the last couple of shows we started with stress our lash case you missed it we talked about anger and about how angry comes wrapped in a lot of different packages and other words all of these different words that you can see are all different pieces of anger and called anger umbrella because there's one feeling that goes that now this is really important because for this exercise what we're going to work on for this show you have to create your own no vocabulary so honestly if you haven't seen the other show stop go to the archive and watch it because you're really going to need this list in order to take this next step and what we also talked about in our last show was how we learn about anger growing up and how for me i grew up in a family do was very loud lots of arguing and so guess what i became the quiet person you know i was kind of like don't let me cause any waves some people match that you know i don't know if you know other people but there are other families where that's what you grew up with and that's the language that you learn and so it just continues the loughran argumentative so you know any again case you haven't heard this before you all got to decide if what you do what is work or not work or maybe you have some great tools and that's good you know so so this is this is kind of what we worked on the next time and i said that next step was if we were going to look at an anger your anger style could in here's what happened i worked in hospitals for twenty five years and in twenty five years i kind of learned there was kind of three types of people three things with people who were they were all right so you're going to get my great our job here eddie i laugh because i'm really good at stick people look at that all right they have their anger vocabulary so i don't need that from page anymore already for some of my artwork now yes so there are three styles and i want you to think about which one best describes you first off  now here i call this the boiler all right now you two are beaugard i listen i know these ladies they're not going to be this however think about people in your lives or people in your families your coworkers you've dealt with  kind of the opposite of the kind of the opposite of the boy they are so here let me see if you can get with this is side and that's my style you know because if i get to that point i don't explode i don't curse you know it doesn't come out loudly it's just kind of like spills over a little bit all right the exploder is the person who it comes out when it comes out it leaves a bass this leaves a little bass all right and usually it's just a very little best to clean up a person that when the anger comes out and they explode it leaves a big mess you know in damage you know it could be to relationships and again these two ladies are not exploders but maybe you know we have some or you've seen coworkers to where it leaves a lot of damage in their way and then this last person is it what it doesn't ever come out it always stays inside and then that person is the person who they get sick you know it just kind of like it's only person you hurt is yourself so the damage that could be done is really just to our health of i honestly you know used to be the employer you know i used to hold everything and hold everything home and all the everything and  create a combination of the boiler and good because guess what there is no one right one way i was hoping you all were somebody would say that you know cook because honestly you could be all three in different situations and you could  category but i definitely situational on the other side time probably more the boiler than exploder yeah here and now here i mean again what i love about this is it could be just to get to know because only the way we could be come healthier is to get to know about our feelings because we don't kind of deal with that and guess what we've got all this stuff we're lug around but i remember i had a woman who said you know what carol i'm a boy or she said but there's one time if you disrespect  me i explode and that's the only like the situation that we're trying to that explosion would be when she was feeling this respected and so you're right different situations might bring out different kinds of things so now you know kind of what your style is guess what we're going to ask you next is are you a slow boiler or are you get to that point again you know and so it can think of do you go there kind of quickly or does it take a lot so you said boy or when you're a boy or does it take you a lot you know to kind of who're a short fuse and because none of us that exploders i wonder is if you guys know of any people that you would say oh yeah that's their style you know and think about what kind  because this this long fuse again is this person's going to be able to take a lot take a lot take a lot take a lot take a lot but here's the thing and this is the difference between boiling an exploding when it of follows along the same lines as the boilers and i could be slow you know or kind of quick or the other where like to say this is you know a lot it means you can hold it hold it hold it hold it and then and remember never comes out it just goes it works you know so so here's what i want to show you actually have these for you ladies i didn't send it to yet and i didn't want you to have them but here you go thank you there you go so and again all the handouts that we do here anybody watching the show could have access to and at the end of the show make sure you know where to go to get them but kind of got this piece of paper here that says what your style and again we got the boiler who was a small mess and there's no real damage right you have the implode or and you equal the mess and the damage usually to your health and then we have the exploder which is the medium to large mess and then there's damage you know for people that need anger management is what they're usually the right to do that so now that we kind of taken our style right so you know your vocabulary you know what your style is and you all just said you kind of slow slow kind of slow  same path or so here's here's what i mean by that so so just like just like a boil part of the stove right if the temperature gets hotter and hotter and hotter if it gets too hot it's going to boil over and that's where you end up with a mess the exploder the fuse it likes to fuse but the question is once it gets down to there it's the explosion and so when you think about even the implode or it's holding a lot holding a lot in but then once you get it out point so here's the secret you all you ever heard anger management while believing arrangement it really is the simplest thing is you you catch it before it boils over you catch it before it explodes you catch it before it implodes you know other words we can't stop feeling angry or pissed off or her or upset telling me you know then i'm just not going to get angry that's what this is you know what makes us human being special we have feelings we're the only kind of like god's creatures on earth that we can end up having the feelings and then having choices about those feelings so here's what i want to do i'm going to don't laugh at my drawing see all right so listen look at your look at this little guy how do i do to take a thermometer and let's just go ahead what will turn the page here and so what's really interesting about situations is that a different situation can cause different response and so what i wanted to do was ask you ladies to think about a situation you know that we could use to kind of map  all right friends comments you know for us go because this is what friends family you know kind of like those who are really pretty common situations so let using using your words your vocabulary that we came up with what would you say it started off with looking at those words and thinking about that situation i felt betrayed ok and and curious what i also want to point out to you all you could have more than one feeling at a time believe it or not you know we could write betrayed up there and you might find there was another feeling confused yeah list there looking at that situation what do you notice looking back at it now what was next higher betrayal higher betrayal ok and anything else i was really mad  order from them you know what there might be some patterns that we had in if i i mean i was still on you know the story earlier about the person who you know would be a boiler until somebody disrespected her and if she felt disrespected she would explode and she realized it every time she would go to like say the board of social services and she felt disrespected that's when she would explode and it was crazy because we were able then to take a work with and confused ok so when you were let me do and you know what i want to point out here which is really kind of cool about this is there's no right or wrong way to do this i ask you to kind of think how up appeared to talk all right so let's you know just to feel that it could you may or may not you may or may not have all of those different things there is it does that make a little bit of sense maybe maybe that's where it stops you went from you know being upset and confused was there and next step or did it go right for you looking at your vocabulary and does that help you figure it out i think it just getting more and more to the higher level and i thinking as the person was explaining what she was talking about so i i really think it yeah quickly went for me from those betrayed this because the feelings the intensity changes so quickly you know and especially if you're somebody who you know tries to avoid feeling you know which this is this is real julie thank you because this is i know this is hard and and here's the thing i forgot to tell you all about when you're talking about anger sometimes it can get you feeling i'm about to stress you know i'll get you feeling stressed out what i'm talking about anger are going to give you feel an know and maybe stress down here because it was just kind of betraying and stressful at the same time and my point with this is no one there's no one right way there's no one there is no way but it's learning about the feelings that make us who we are and sometimes they exist and we don't even know they exist there's a make sense like can you see that because here's the trick the good thing about being a slow person is is if we can get you to see when this is going on the goal is just like the stove right you've got the pot on the stove and you start to see it start to boil over what do you do you go and turn it  advance and that's the goal to me say anger management you know is it the more the goal to me is is it you know it's kind of being able to keep the anger from managing you that that to me that anger management is  the cops on a one time that when she exploded that's how bad it would get and she would just say carol they say disrespect they street me you know like a certain way so of feeling disrespected off you're going to go down there and expected that to happen expect to be do expect to you know be let out to happen but but here's the thing that happens with anger mindful of the time here so we were a little bit earlier we're talking about how people we all have but it's and i hate to break the news to your case you don't know this but the people closest to you know what buttons to push and that's that's even a whole other show we can do because i do a whole group on it's all right but i also call it the dance because here's what happens somebody would go here and be to respectful towards her and kind of be you know that excuse my language in a whole you know and she would go there and then that person would go here and here in here in here and i call it the dance because it escalates you know for some people for other people the if it doesn't come out guess where exasperating is inside you for implode or it's the migraine starting the stomach stuff starting maybe my own healthy coping to also buy a drink maybe it could be the drinking could be you know the eating it could be my chain smoking those are ways it is still comes out inside of us but it's the only person it's hurting this on us whole and so it's kind of breaking that sort of pattern and the other thing the good news is if people know how to push your buttons we can change that it's possible the change that you know of because that's the again it's kind of catching these things and this is the only way to begin to catch him is to kind of take a look at them make a picture of him you know is you can do situation a specific situation that you'd like to handle better you know so like family borrowing money you know if that comes up a lot and there's a situation you don't deal with very well  i would ask you to use that situation and complete one of these you know to help you learn how to better deal so with this woman that's how we got it you guys first off she realized oh my god i explode when people disrespect  i lose control and szell that what we were able to do is change the situation and work with it a little bit differently instead of it being just the all patter you know the old anger pattern all right and there's actually a third step that we're go talk about in even our next show which sorry ladies you got the weight is the hour we got we got to go to dinner though and here's the thing about it dynamite it's how it starts what lights to fuse so it kind of goes  sayef it's what starts it and then how's it get bigger bigger bigger bigger until it explodes if that makes sense and then we had the explosion and then it was also the  yeah i got all those so i think oh yeah i gave you guys both implosion points so i kept a boiling point so that's that's kind of what i want you to think about if there is any other situations that are kind of getting the better of you because that's how i like to think of it is get the better of you is we've got to identify what the pattern is so you know what your feelings are so that then we can start to do something different about it and i promise not to leave you hanging because there's a whole lot of other tools that we can use to do something about it so here's what we came up with we came up with communication is going to be one of our you know cut and next two shows and any other things going to be is all right so what do we do instead of boiling over what do we do instead of exploding what do we do instead of you know kind of imploding to have to walk away with some real concrete sort of tools to be able to use and again no one tool works the just want to say thank you again ladies for joining me take a look at where you can get your paper because i got these all waiting for you and so i have that information just following the end of this this video show here and i look forward to seeing you all again so come on back