hi my name is carol ricardo also known as america's wellness embassador welcome to the well you show i want to welcome my co hosts i have angel torture ali bacher going to call him the pain detective well after the first time  idea i'm making sure i say it so well go and the pain detective and we can find you on facebook or instagram muscles in balance yes and then we have julie maddox who is hiding out until next year who i hospitals for twenty years doing groups and i want to teach people the tools to be able to live well and we've just come up with a great format we just one of our last shows we did was on self esteem and so this show i'm writing it out the ladies do not know what we're going to do is i call it a golden rule we've talked about some of them on the show in the past we've done communication but this is a little different twist on it and i learned this i first learned this lesson in high school and  golden rule of communication is this don't assume if you ever learn it's no i so true well and here's why and this is what my teacher taught us so don't don't get mad at me for cursing because when that i got it and it's back with me for like it's stuck with me you know don't assume and any other kind of side sister of this one is is we kind of assume or we jump to conclusions oh this is going to be a little bit of a fun show we're going to do because that's what we're going to work on jumping to conclusions how your brain can do that and kind of go to that negative place so quick and what's the flipside and i want to share with you all the story though because this really made it and a couple younger kids and maybe one other woman on the train there was hardly anybody and these kids were running up and down and really noisy and just out of control and and he was ne'er think of himself you know why don't you kind of real in your kids why don't you gotta get your kids to sit down cut it get him under control a little bit and you know he finally said he went over to say something to a man about this in could you just get your kids under control and and i forget the exact words he said but he said something to the men you know about don't you think you should do something you from the hospital where their mother passed away and so here it was this man was being kind of like a lacking being a parent right and stephen covey's perception cautioned was that these kids are just out of control when the truth of it was this hold even to tell you now i kind of get that feeling right my body yeah like we can see something and it doesn't always appear as it is yeah and so that's that's kind of what we're going to do today there's no handouts no nothing and it's just kind of what comes to the top of your brain all right so i have some little pieces of paper here that  little things from a worksheet that i used to do with my patients and i want to say one your job is to say the first kind of negative comes to mind ok jumping to a negative conclusion ok they keep looking at their watch when you're talking they're bored not interested in what i'm saying yeah i don't that was such a good one because i know i've you know a probably done it and b on the other end of it right many any different kind and i know i was just thinking about this happened recently and i'm like i don't need to look at that watch but don't because they'll think i was make out here or i know that i was like they're going to think that you're you know you're not listening or but i you know rather than even what she said was even a little different which was to truth which was you had limited time right but it was but if i would be feel the same way it's like if you're  really is and and i'm not even saying people have to do this you get to decide if it works for you were against you but i came to realize that it worked against me you know and i've always kind of had this pause button in my brain this is carol now wait a second you know ok it happened to me yesterday my c p r class right teachin and i go i'm looking for my pencil bag stupid little thing but by the open so bag it has all my pencils in it it's the where to be seen and my first thought goes to really somebody needed a pencil bag that bad as that carol now and my brain when there but i had to stop a silly thing carol it's got to be here somewhere and so the last thing i did was they folded down the computer and lo and behold there it was you know having been one of those people that it q so how do you know something that really didn't do that i've learned the hard way that you know i can try kind of train so what i might do is if you were looking if you two were doing this to me this is how my different spin on this was if you were looking at your watch my brain wouldn't necessarily i would let its thing go on board i'd say julie you know are you short on time i would ask the question you know k this is good it's uses a generic term here your partner starts working late they're cheating on  is i think that for a lot of women maybe because i've had them say that worked with over the years you know why he says he's working late you know by how he cheated on me like brain goes right to the cheating where i don't know relationship sort of stuff well i want to stretch it so that because this one says someone cancels a date and what i was going to stretch it to is this let's say have plans with now that's because i really work hard on not jumping to conclusions and when i worked at the kind of work that i did it would be very easy for me to jump to conclusions but then the work that i would do wouldn't be very beneficial but even i think more importantly is what you're saying is if there's been a pattern yeah a pattern of behavior market and julie kept canceling on  well ok so so then a second question comes what you do what would you do with julie good because this is good because we're going to use this is kind of a jumping to conclusion but also a what to do sort of thing because it so you have somebody just like you said who pattern of behavior is to keep canceling yeah so you have choice a you could never schedule anything from them again which would be very passive aggressive who would you would be the old me or given the silent treatment would you then when it got to tie number six oh well yeah even before that i don't yeah what what what place you teach somebody watching this show what what they could do is if they run into this situation where which happens all the time i'm well i really have to individualize this and kind of think about like i don't get to go out like that so i am trying to my lane and maybe you can matter ok and you know i kind of operate with some people spontaneous i know whole topic you know is that it's also knowing the person you know in kind and knowing what works what doesn't work for you and i say that you can be frustrating yes if you're the type that somebody calls and if you can do it you brain just twist the information in those sort of ways but what would you do well the funny part is it having been somebody that had to do evaluations i mean if my own is late i'd be like oh shit i know he's got a lot of do kind of thing that would be based off of my experience but if i didn't have that experience my negative would probably have been you know oh that's not good i would even know if i come to the conclusion other than oh yeah that's good you know why is it taking so long you know are they but see i've also worked in places where you guys were when you when they were firing you you could escorted out right away didn't take this one kind of hits a little close to home but i'm not going to think for you someone put it out there so you're called into the doctor's office to discuss test results of jesus i mean i told ya yeah i mean right away it's just say you get home or your cell phone now but me i'm old school i still have an answer yeah yeah i do know so you know i go home and i listen to but since kero this is heather from dr hugs office you know could you is yeah something yeah yeah so yeah so when you when you see that they've called and because it's a variety like when i had bob see that i would be thinking this is not good in fact that doctor called me out of the blue and i'm like oh my god she's going to go she and she changed the things she got the results that are different than the ones that i were positive because i didn't expect her to call so right away instead of just thinking oh w really screamed to you know and it was a great deal of work of bringing it back to this you don't know anything you know so don't like yeah  recently for the staff calls i had one other friday saying you know we really need to talk with you and i'm like well they're in clover still so what should i think i can't wait until monday and oh my god over how so i reduce the week so i like your doctor's  and and and i was like thinking to myself like you know well come to find out it wasn't about me it was about this place that i would done some work for and whether or not you know they had sent me a ten ninety well i don't know that's a tough one i actually know that i have had this come up i used to have patients have cigarettes goes missing in their rooms with the hospital back in the days when you could smoke there you know and it is the brain wants to like so funny because it wasn't the women that were in that draw they came as clients my goodness actually though we did have somebody come this was true story though had somebody come out of service right and it was the first time was supposed to be up an up service you know well they have a partner head turns out they did and they actually were charged with theft yeah so i just maybe think about that sorry i digress all right no we're not going to do one about this job here let's see we're going through that if you've got a couple o this is a good one this is what we could all really are you ready you were pulled over by the police she's when you get pulled over what's the first thought that goes flying oh that's nice oh yeah and i did have a ticket pulled over one time to actually maybe you had to be like five years ago driving through hopewell and they kind of sit there and they wait and then sure enough i turned on the street and had an accident and it got knocked off i have a right here you know so she went walking around to the front kind of took a look at it ok well you know i said i'm going get it fixed you know i didn't want to tell always been that way for two years person can kind of have this pattern of behavior you know i think sometimes too we want to suspend it a little bit you know kind of not jump to the conclusion but you sure or where net of the behavior and putting it on the table narrow in finding a way to put it on the table so that if you don't kind of and i guess is the way to do that is to make it be about the confusion or not about them but more about the behavior if it's you you know i'm confused why you're always not always because as the fight through is why it seems you have a tendency to show up twenty minutes late the last three times like i don't know if that's a legitimate problem or what but you know but yeah yeah it really is about kind of we feed these two and interrupting them guess what