must say everyone michel gramberg here welcome to another episode of positive energy bringing enlightening television for your valving so all our topic on this show is compassion compassion involves a level of sensitivity which causes us to be a motional by the experiences of other compassion motivates people to go out of their way to help someone who is suffering how can we develop more compassion including self compassion that's what my guests and i will discuss so stay tuned because positive energy starts right now the positive energy welcome and beth to the show or a conversation about compassion so compassion when focused outward is connecting with the pain of others in a concerned and loving way and buddha talked about compassion and empathy and love in if i take a little bit of a different approach when i say what can i do or what can we do to connect maybe i'm going to talk to her i'm going to say yes or anything i can do or even if she was my client i might say something like you know don't be so hard on yourself and maybe some self compassion there would help so compassion really isn't action it's about the connection or yes we know about the revelation ship the kind relationship between us and and practicing that an expression that over and head and looking at it from their perspective then we can be a little more compassionate towards them seeing ourselves and others i was very very common commonalities that way either for us well and i also i  and also just the courage that's really required to kind of go to those difficult places and keep coming back when we need to to help make that change happen i love that i love that  so you know compassion is our natural state right we can call it a spiritual state but it is a is that characteristic can we cultivated are we born with it i would say yes we're born with it do we lose it or not lose it it really is also an extension of love it really is an outgrowth of love as well i want to read this quote that i love from my personal friend the dalai lama all of our friends a compassion and tolerance are not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength so i love the way he puts bad pointing out that it really is a strength but when people have a misconception about compassion what do you think do they think of it as a weakness and what blocks us from healing and acting with compassion that well i definitely think that we there we may have a number of myths about what compassion is and i commonly hear folks who view it as more something that makes me weak or it's going to get in the way of my being able to accomplish what i need to get place but i think for me when i think about what blocks really in a nutshell comes down to here and so fierce that we may have about making ourselves vulnerable in order to receive the compassion we might need from other folks or from ourselves or or fear about what will happen if i try to offer it outwardly it's interesting i agree with that it's that fear of being vulnerable because being normal makes us feel shaky but then what happens if we cut off from one another when we really need it the most and sort of sharing that weaknesses that own ability that we all share at different times with compassion for you what do you think block people from feeling in acting compassionate ways i think i agree with you it's a little bit of like fear  limitations our own selves limitations as that programmed us from that what was your take on that if i'm for you i think there are a lot of misconceptions about about self compassion especially that it's going to take our motivation away we're not going to be as successful that we're going to you know we need that self critic to make us be better and if we take that away and if we can have is that we're thinking ok maybe we're just not going to do as well we're going to be able to compete people are going to think i'm not as good and then it really is like a hamster wheel of like men thinking i'm going to be on this hamster wheel of not being good enough it's that trance of unworthiness that tara brought talks about so as we talk a little bit more about  self compassion harley's to ourselves and ourselves what are the reasons the other reasons that it's hard and people struggle especially women with self compassion why do we didn't ourselves self compassion when you think and i know that you work with people in your practice so you probably come across this definitely and i think it depends on the person i think there's a variety of reasons but oftentimes we're conditioned to have certain beliefs or both buying into certain myths about what compassion is and i think particularly for women we often have this sense that it's not ok to put our ne think i am going to add one more layer to that and that is our desire to be part of so you know accepting imperfections which make us perfect would be a better way to be compassionate towards ourselves and i think a lot of times when reese want to be perfect we think that we are going to be judged by others but it's really us judging ourselves  adding to that layer of being kind to ourselves and yet not being perfect we've loving ourselves more wall then all and loving others the same way as well on and it's not just going on for me it's going on for everything that i see and so i have this kind of proving ground if i can work with myself with that i get a million opportunities to work with being compassionate other people if i can actually work with that least i'll start with ourselves are when i saw this practice this is the proving ground for what is going to go out into the world and if anything practice self compassion for what you can offer the world and then just see what happens it's kind of amazing things happen i'm going to share another quote from the dalai lama about this he said a lot about compassion love and compassion are necessities not luxury without them humanity cannot survive if you think about that i love that and i think about what a different place this world might look like if we were all practicing not only self compassion but also receiving come past and really kind of taking it in and savoring it i think that's something else that shows up a lot in my practice is that it's really difficult sometimes to receive it from others but whether it's coming from someone else or coming from myself i think that that compassion flowing in is is what helps us to prevent ourselves from becoming depleted over time so that sounds like breathing we have to breathe it in in order to be able to grieve or back out into the working with the reward system the i see toes in this that we're working with a million caregiving systems this is these are natural painkillers this is like the love chemical we're creating that we're actually becoming like love generators and when we do that it's trying you know like take a few minutes and like find a little spot and just like use these a million caregiving reflexes it really creates miracles in your  know and then you just can't help but it's infectious it really is of thanks for bringing that kind of scientific aspect and it was really true but we can feel that there's a rush this there's a rush when you express compassion when you ask compassionate and when you receive the other end of it as well it's a little bit of a high note about that helpers high you know it's literal you know that feeling in all releases adrenaline even a little bit of all of that is really very very true so you talk about you know i guess our goal today is a little bit of wanting to spread compassion on a wider scale we look at ourselves as individuals and part of a collective if we all practice compassion how that would change our relationship one on one small groups and how the world over all would change we'd love to see that and see the shift maybe you know compassion back to the simple compassion which if things for us and we can also talk about it from a spiritual point of view even further is one this verse of separation as writer spiritual perspective that we really are all connected anyway so that which i express to you hold back to me anyway what does that make you think also about well i think it helps me remember that interconnectedness that's everything and actually how important it is maybe even when we aren't feeling loving right that sometimes those most compassionate acts are the ones that we can offer to someone who maybe is not treating us in a particular kind of way or as not maybe aligned with our own value system but how can we offer that sense of care then saying let me put myself up i was in their head and see how i can help them i love that as well for you and those are both great points like being caught in that story of like what's happening to me and asking th moment and that does something in your brain actually go from that to fall network of me to this i and the feels different you can shift things really easier that way yeah from being caught up in your head in that story to stepping back as  said and being the server that's the place of choice right that's a place of power one as well if you want others to be happy process compassion if you want to be happy practice compassion so it really is a circle and if we talk about mindfulness and loving kindness you know which fortunately are becoming mainstream terms now and people are talking about more and more my son this is observing ourselves without judgment and with passion is such a strong opponent of mindfulness and the practice of loving kindness being the practicing compassion as a way of being right and being heart centered and kindness centered and they're also both forms of meditation so what role does mindfulness play was compassion and loving kindness in your experience past well we actually sometimes talk about  mindfulness and compassion as being two wings of the same bird so we really need both wings in order to take flight and so i think when we're using the you know the matter practice of practicing that loving kindness it's  also a way of helping us to remain connected to our own intention and motivation to keep coming back to this place of extending right how can i continue to move through the world from a place of compassion at responding figuring out moment to moment you know what's the most caring thing i can do for wellbeing and you know a bit more about the matter of practice what are the words that people can use for i think when you have a piece basically months you out of peace with yourself then the less you use the word is so much clearer it's taking that on this is the most important thing and you know meditation is one way to been is because when you're going to watch what's going on in your mind without that tool of you know being able to be with whatever it is i think you really need to have a little bit of self compassion so a good way to cultivate it is like that matter practice and where traditionally it's maybe i'd be happy to start with sometimes we need to start with someone else that we've really even then we can really cultivate those narrow biologicals with the only chemicals and then someone simple yeah so the meditation practice of the way that it looks very often is that just sitting in self reflection repeating those statements waiting visualizing those people in our minds or visualizing ourselves in our minds but doesn't have to be  it can just be a sense and i you know and intention of holding ourselves in our hard with loving kindness and then holding another maybe holding the world or maybe you could just be holding our dog or cat or plant  kindness i also love the compassion one of my favorite self compassion tools and meditation is that just like me meditation that is always recommended and so using the vote that prompted that stand to say when you look at someone a stranger or even someone you are angry with or anybody on television or anybody that you see and you say just like me dot dot dot just like me that person is struggling just like me that person feels insecure or just like me that person had a fight just like me that person wants friendship just like me that person wants to be loved just like me that person is flawed in judging themselves so you have any other when you  talk to people or when you have an opportunity to help people in your family or your friends or your your students or your client what are the other wonderful tips that we want to offer our audience today tools and tips told  well actually i think one of my favorites is just simply to greet ourselves with warmth and strength on a daily basis and i mean that very literally because you know at least for me and rumor has it for many there is that really harsh critical sick can start to work in our heads and so if we can start shaping the town and the language of that voice can make a huge difference in terms of that kind of internal feeling of a nice easy way to start you know massage that inner voice that i'll talk until it feels better and look at america haps or just do it in a quiet moment where you're talking to yourself more when you're sitting in meditation but your self talk is really our do so one of the main things is in my studio we have this little of this a smile with your eyes put yourself in front of that made her smile with your eyes the minute to do that you're so well connected with who you are and you just shine and at that point these yeah start with ourselves right under our selves and that's ourselves give ourselves a nervous but you're saying there's even more to it than that there is something that stimulates a healing and a healthy mechanism within who interacted with intention know so with all of this because i know we want to help people to be confident and to and to really shine if you might talk a little bit about yourself and what you do to get yourself every day in a place of loving yourself of self compassion of shining of before you step out the door being confident what do you do for yourself out of this this bit of a challenge for  me that sense of confidence and kind of embracing my shyness is not something that has come easily to me so though i'm much better with it now than i was maybe five ten years ago but like you're mentioning stephanie i do a lot of work  kind of body up right so specially if i need kind of a quick shot of confidence using posture to kind of kick in and feel that sense of strength that i might need confidence building using breath or particularly a particular type of breath practice called soothing rhythm breathing that kind of flow and expand and get that parasympathetic response to come on line and help you feel settled but then for kind of longer term muscle building i do a lot of imaginal practice and to really imagining what that feeling state of compassion feels like imagining what it's like to receive it imagining what it's like when i feel it in my own body of what tell us what you do i'm a therapist in private practice and i specialize in a particular type of psychotherapy called compassion focus therapy which is really rooted in evolutionary psychology and social psychology and neuroscience pulls in and also some that is principles and practices through use of what we call compassionate mind training and it really is all about some of what stephanie is mentioning here with kind of working with these various brain body regulatory systems that are all linked up with emotion and can drive us to move us in ways sometimes without intending very very rewarding  how do you shine each day and then that brings us to what you do so i think for me personally it is all about the physical self so when i'm not compassionate towards myself i like to journal and i actually like to write down what it is that has happened that is positive so that kind of takes you away from that place of being judgmental about yourself and and then in terms of my clients i'm a photographer and one of the things that i do is often what is called the you shine portraiture series because it's all about accepting our physical self and in there we invite our clients to actually write a journal talk about where they are where they want perceived to be one notable so my aim is to provide that safety and the journaling aspect to really helps to dig down deep into going and understanding that this is about your inner shine and not know and then and then then the outcome is that they take that wherever in the future however they go and to that and we also have a huge shine movement where we photograph women without makeup and  bring up a lot of stuff you know so for me being charles grade wrote put yourself in the way of the mother told her that it was just the best advice that ever got out of a book and that's what i do  amazing and wonderful wonderful work in the world and so thank you for engaging in this conversation about compassion we hope that we've inspired some people today so thank you so much thank were wrapping up another enlightening show take a moment right now to connect with your heart the seed of compassion within yourself bask in self compassion then you can extend compassion to others you monday morning flowers in princeton for the beautiful floral arrangement thank you for watching and join me next time on positive energy