the river they thought they were free but the story was  thank you thank you very much welcome the show folks as i'm sure you can tell the theme of the show is crime and phone and as you may or may not know this is the second to last episode of the season possibly ever i don't know we'll have to see how this episode goes does this determine if we're going to do any more shows but anyways we got a lot of stuff for you tonight so i'm just going to have to like sure race through it like like like an indiana jones with a big old ball chasing after me because i actually kind of the man is after me so so man oh man i got to tell you the the  circumstances in there in that prison were irrevocably well folks here's the historical portion of the show for about as long as there have been people living in societies they have been governed by laws and those who break the law are punished yeah and i don't know why that is but i think it's it's probably for the best but you know what who makes the laws and who breaks the laws and who ate the sandwich out of my dressing room well i don't know i wasn't expecting the kind of spanish inquisition oh that's right we cut that bit because we're afraid we're going to get sued shut up sh family well anyways so why don't we just kind of think it over and try to figure out how do we get here right as david byrne would say well you know municipal law goes all the way back to religious texts and that's why we have such a very hard time separating church and state and it's another reason why there are still in many places a laws on the books outlawing prostitution and s if you accept the gospel the very first crime ever ever ever was of course the original sin that fortune fall and you know what i'm sorry ok sorry i thought your time something like that fortunate fall my goodness yeah you know adam and eve in the garden of eden and you know god says to him look look around you you have everything you could possibly want or over and over just one thing go see that tree over there do do do do do do do do can touches and of course they had to they couldn't resist him as i could ask you wilde said i can resist anything temptation oh my goodness they're like you know they're like little kids testing the boundaries with their parents you know or like rebellious teenagers trying to demonstrate their freedom and their independence by breaking the rules and you know what it's really kind of sad because when we do that to demonstrate how independent and free we are we tend to get arrested and imprisoned which is quite unfortunate and of course to that's right it was the fruit from the tree of knowledge and you know of course folks knowledge is power that's right and of course you know that the powerful always always always to this day keep the rest of us in this sort of situation where they are the shepherds and we're the sheep until one day somebody rises up and says hey you guys let's get the flock out of here and then they get  it was a harsh time they had harsh laws ok i'm sorry but that's how it was if you are robber and you got caught and you got convicted man you were put to death they called it putting down the hammer robbie and two thousand years ago yeah two thousand years ago in china or there was a person named lai see i don't know if it was a guy or gal sometimes you can't even tell and i always say if you can't tell it doesn't matter this this person name ly said that if you have a harsh penalty for a soft crime then people will not dare to break the law because i mean what will happen to them if they do something really bad right well it was the original zero punishment for light offenses people won't tear break the law and in fact if you are caught and found guilty of sedition or treason they would cut you into pieces based on the severity of your crime rome forget about it well these romans ok they combined the punishment of prisoners with the entertainment of the masses it's a twofer i when when and in what they called the circus maximus or as we would call it now cirque du fil a they had all kinds of wild animals they had lions they had tigers and bears oh ma i was george yeah and they they were pretty hardcore and it was pretty bad for the prisoners but i'll tell you this the animals were well fed but you would have to be all right well you know what that through the centuries you know kings and potentates and church officials they have found very inventive and sick ways of punishing people but we have made progress think it's time it was for us to move on yeah and punishment used to be really direct to you know none of this business of you know you're going to go away for twenty five years punishment used to be direct you know some lashing some flogging a couple hours on the  stones from your neighbors and you were set free or even get out of it keep your nose clean down do it again right it was pretty cool but then well i mean it's cool you know compared comparatively cool right but then just around the development of gunpowder and cannons they found that they could no longer really use these medieval castles to stave off a siege so they renovated them they repurpose them and they turn them prison yeah so the long term warehousing of people in prison ne'er do wells scoundrels and other unsavory types began in earnest and what they found out pretty quickly w already know is it's darned expensive to throw somebody in the can and toss away the key but luckily a daily ration of bread and water made sure that many of the prisoners expired long before their sentences did lucia yeah everybody remembers french revolution while the french revolution was not as fun as it's been made to seem on television i know i know there was some bad stuff went down the french revolution saw the debut of that and of course you know one of its first victims was its inventor yes that's kind of irony worthy of tanned their skins into leather and the first french constitution was leather bound by the skin of an aristocrat now this may seem kind of harsh to us and i'm sure it seemed very harsh and we see the abolition of torture and execution and coerced confession we see the development of a fair system of justice or at least the fairest that we can possibly hope to expect and who knows maybe one day that will catch on here in america who well folks yes yes yes ok oh one other thing i almost forgot but then i remembered because i wrote it down remember that your creator loves you and the people over you in the government they love you and they wish you well but remember do is you're told or else i'm with the crime units apologist so you're here to say you're sorry for calling me a murderer in front of everyone of my wife's funeral yes it was an unfortunate incident and we regret is that so yes it's a regrettably unfortunate isolated incident it was such an isolated incident why do you have a squad to go around apologizing to people i was arrested at my office in front of my boss my clients i lost my job i my career yes it's regrettable and unfortunate and unfortunately we regret that as well child protective services took my kids no one will hire me i'm broke from legal fees i'm about to lose this house have you come to offer financial compensation actually sort of this is my life but i'm here to just let you know  you should have accepted our apology very regrettable and unfortunate say how much of the bank want for that out now you know we got we got lawmakers that we pay our money to to write new laws but you know what they never get rid of the old ones right and they tell you ignorance of the law is no excuse why heck man who could possibly know all of those laws nobody nobody nobody so i say this for every law that you write you have to get rid of an old one you know is sort of like the rule that you ought to have in your house for everything that you bring into the house something's got to go out that keeps you from buying all this why if somebody shop lives you should just cut their hand off right i mean right i would never shoplift so you could do whatever you want to them you know and i tell you what there are some people and i'm going to stop saying i'll tell you why because i got into a han hill thing earlier today but so it didn't just get stuck in there ok so anyway his there are some people that are in fact beyond temptation and they will never no matter what their economic hardship is no matter how unwealthy they may become they will never ever steal never turn to crime myself however as a as a broke teenager who is very want not necessarily need i took up the bad habit of shoplifting and you know it's sort of like it wasn't just the wanting of stuff that i wasn't willing to work hard to get the money to buy it was that i could get this cheap thrill of taking a risk you know just go in there go and out you went right and it was it was really kind of thrilling the old the old blood pumper just kind of kind of pounding as as you take the item and it slips invisibly you hope into the pocket and then ok look around and they see me never did call it stealing i don't even call it shoplifting all right because we have so many colorful euphemisms in our language to soften our attitudes for our bad behavior you know for example you might not ca stealing you could call it i jacked it or i ripped it off or my personal favorite i literally did it from the system yeah that was a revolutionary act you did stealing those i didn't rip i didn't cheat that old lady i burned her which actually sounds worse you know you burned an old lady what i didn't i didn't murder that guy wasted in  know well anyway so thirty years or more have passed since the last time i did any shoplifting stupid stealing all right i'm still nothing in thirty years which is a double negative but i have not stolen anything in thirty years or more  and and i tell you this so i still walk into a shop and i cannot walk out of the shop without buying something you know because i still feel like that you know i still feel like well i don't want to look like i'm shoplifting you know i'd better buy something oh a log i don't need that i don't want it but i'll buy it anyway because the stink of suspicion still clings to me and i can put a few few few sticky and  we go wow i got all that done already yeah ok i don't know if you guys read books they got there's these things with stuff printed on anyway there's a great book called the trial by kafka and in this book this guy joseph k he is persecuted and prosecuted for a crime they never tell him what it was it's kind of like when your folks know that you've done something but they're not sure what it is you know you're in trouble young man for what you know what you did yeah but you don't my mom she used to say to me she used to say i better not catch you ditching school and i would say don't worry mom you won't catch me well later that same day he was still talking and confession really is good for the soul and i'm going to skip over that next part because it's well ok yeah because it's does and it's really easy to forget that not so long ago police used to routinely coerce confessions out of people and it wasn't till nine hundred sixty six decision miranda versus arizona and no it wasn't about carmen miranda and a hat full of fruit but anyways the supreme court ruled that when the police have somebody in custody if they're under arrest they have to read them the right to remain silent in keeping with the fifth amendment protection against self insemination so something like that and but the ironic thing is when somebody does take the fifth we always think that they're guilty right well why don't you just converse of these innocent i mean right as our g bunker would say if you didn't if you ain't got nothing to hide you don't need no privacy yeah yeah i guess my sympathies are more with the crooks than the than than the cops because the crooks are generally motivated out of economic hardship and i guess moral failings and the cops are more motivated out of moral conviction and they're quite well paid and they've got a union that is like you don't want to cross them in my goodness no way so i'm not very sympathetic but the cops i know that they've got a hard job and but if the thing is that i hate it when a cop comes up to me and says hey my friend look you're my friend blah blah blah  friend i know that it's that's part of his training he's supposed to call me friends suppose to make me feel like we're old pals you know just two old pals hang around one of which could just whip out his nightstick and beat me like a dusty rug and what's the deal you know night stick does that mean they can't use it during the day you know hey you can use that that's a nightstick all doggone it ok well i'm going to come back in about half an hour man so not to be down by then you wait here my friend and so i was like but there was a time when the cop actually was your friend when the const constable on patrol was your friend he'd walk or a girl or a beat you knew all the people in the neighborhood he'd inquire about your mother's side us and occasionally go over to the local  place a few bets that was long ago nowadays the cops it's like it's like they cruised through the hood in their in their vehicle their police vehicle and they're there they're like the marines flying low over hostile territory you know as i know it it's become like a war zone and it's really sad because in it also means that there's a us and them mentality amongst the citizens as well you know because they look at the cops and they see them with distrust and i don't know how many times i've heard this complaint where people in the hood they say you know the cops don't care about us man they never solve any of these murders you know and yeah that's true but you've got to remember when somebody gets shot into swiss cheese in broad daylight in front of a crowded market and nobody saw anything it's time to call of lens crafters and i got a whole bunch of customers for you here man you know somehow but that part is really funny so i'll do that one when i was a kid in elementary school we called the school parthia penitentiary because we felt like we were being locked up for some unspecified crime i guess  ignorance i don't know what but you know if felt like we were being punished and i remember being in third grade and thinking my goodness i've got almost ten years to go i'll never make it you know they sentence me to twelve years of hard learning well never make it well ha ha the victory was mine because i made it and i didn't learn nothing  ok now i'm going to tell you something folks i know that you probably think that on this bleeding heart liberal and that i think everybody in jail those is innocent blah blah blah blah blah blah well we'll talk about that later but i'll tell you what there are bad people in the world i have personally been robbed at gunpoint when i was early on in my career in the rapid nutrition industry and i tell you what that was scary bit had somebody point a gun at me and put me in a meat locker and i didn't know what was going to happen then right but luckily they let us go but anyways and then years later our house was burglarized and it's really creepy feeling very disturbing to know that somebody has been in your home when you weren't there and that they might come back for more right very very creepy very disturbing feeling well  i tell you what there are bad people in the world and we do have to put them someplace but we cannot and must not exile them all to los angeles nobody deserves that ok all right well let's go to our n i hope that you will be amused and amazed why don't you please watch this or else is this the real life and just caught in a landslide no escape from reality we're here to pronounce judgment on these criminals found fomenting armed insurrection against the planet krypton well this sounds undercover agents who were posing as revolutionaries but that sounds like more police don't seem to happened where they were in the pre planning stages preplanning i mean i hadn't actually planned anything disappointed when i was growing up we used to hear this phrase all the time and it was do not and not a happens to you which i felt looking back i felt like my parents were kind of given a kind of a karmic kind of approach to justice you know and because you know you've got you know you're not doing your kids any favor by being a very lenient parent you know you can't just be buddy buddy with your with your kid you got to be their mom and their dad right you know because a spoiled child abuse is the world i know who said that probably me anyway but they said do not you not he happens to you and i think my dad meant it as if i don't spank you life will and you know there's this other saying that you hear all the time which is good so they say that goodness is its own reward but one thing you never ever ever ever ever hear anybody ever say is badness is its own punishment no no no no no we're not going to leave that up to the universe man you know i got this right and he and i me on that one as we are a very vindictive society tell you folks we are the indictive society we are even if it's not something like criminal was even if it's like an act nature or like a disaster a bridge collapses and ten people are killed oh my goodness that's terrible who's to blame right because we can't just feel sad and awful about stuff we got we got to have somebody to punish we got to be angry and somebody has got to be accountable for it well who built the bridge who inspected the bridge where the rescuers there early enough who's to blame and maybe it's maybe it's a storm right a killer storm killer storm strikes a coast twenty six people dead oh you killer storm when will it strike again because don't you give me this this business about a about a hurricane o a hurricane season why i tell you it's the same storm and it's a serial killer coming again and again only each time it changes its name we got all these people change their storm chasers when the heck are they going to catch one when you're going to catch one in bringing to justice now i know you're saying ok well even if they did catch the storm where they are what are they going to do with it how they're going to put it on trial i tell you the storm always has its oh wait a minute holy smoke folks jiggers it's the cops i got to hide ok there's a lot of innocent people in jail i know that you know that and there's a organization called the innocence project project and they've gotten over three hundred people sprung out of jail who were innocent and eighteen at least off a death row so you know if you think that we've got a perfect system you know i mean i've i'm just saying that if i get in the situation if the system is shrunk up up in my favor there's no turn afforded dream to all right well why don't we while that's pretty intense so i notice that you use the word high like six or seven times and yet it's a very important word did you like my friend's son tripping for the war any questions yet we still have our movie night wow he is in some trouble that he's going to wind up in prison and he might have a nice story for harry to go and ask him about what oh well folks it looks like we're out of time it looks like i'm really out of time prisoners and i've got nothing to read in my cell except for his magazine and it's really you know i just read it for the articles honestly so anyway here it is the moment that you've all been waiting for the end of the show those balls and incinerate my turn keys i'll take that as a yes don't worry old uncle axel show you the ropes like it or not you need me to teach you the ins and outs of the big house by the way you're w and just what is it that i need to know about this big house first of all prison is a microcosm of society just like in the real world the strong dominate the weak alpha dog mostly in trading my hose to other prisoners almost enough to effect a stylish escape you play your cards right maybe i'll take you with me i cannot for a scape if what you say is true what you don't the word of lex luthor or the greatest criminal mind of our time ok point well taken without my crypto nion powers on the outside i would be nothing more than a fugitive from justice but in this slammer i should soon dominate the entire