we have a special moment here we're going to do this special moment even though even though john wilkins is not quite a regular stand up comedian but we do have a philosophy here a very stringent and practiced philosophy that we don't let comedians even like one comedian but even though we don't have comedy people come up to the stage naked we don't have naked comic people what we do is we bring up a generic comic to recitals a few jokes this will put you in the mood to being true to laughing to accepting humor so we will bring and then then you will laugh at the humor and then you will be ready for the humor was in the shallows talking about sharks and stuff and i thought this could be a really interesting joke to tell here this sailor they may met a prior to me a pirate in a bar and the sailor couldn't but notice that the pirate was pretty badly  looking and the worse for wear he had a peg leg and a hook and an eye patch and so the sailor asked the pirate how he got the peg leg and the pirate asked well maybe i got washed overboard one night when i was in a fierce storm durn me if a shark didn't go would bite off me leg and then the sailor asked so how'd you get the hook and the pirate answered well we was in a fierce fight well board in the ship one time and that's when he got me head cut off now we have a special table set up moment here but we're going to talk about sean wickens the regular performs in prop comedy with a group junior varsity at new york city's magnet theatre he is co founder of the ironically it bad theater fast and bad film festival good joke bad joke was a collection of jokes bits and stories some great some even better you can win prizes maybe gentlemen are extremely pleased to welcome for the very first time ever hear the caf improvs john wi have done great in the past and some of these have horribly but i forced thank you but i forced myself to to bring them here because if there is no element of danger then with them why do it right  and i will warn you that one of these balls corresponds to a little note that says twenty minutes of awkward silence so let's see how it goes does anybody need a bingo car  so this is my first time in princeton new jersey which didn't didn't didn't seem to interest many of you at all by that by that moment of silence i'm from i'm from cleveland ohio originally and they were very happy about basketball recently and we get there ok well it's important everyone has one because these are very cheap insignificant prizes so ok we didn't write let's pick the first one i think have to turn the opposite direction ye year we go here we go ok first number oh seventy five i believe oh seventy five it's seventy five yes ok first joke i don't have kids but my sister has a son and i have some step nieces and nephews and being a parent is hard it really is round of applause for the parents and grandparents in the audience right i found out really this is a great illustration of how hard it is to be a parent i was recently on a road trip with my family my sister's family we drove to visit family in kansas and there were times when my sister and her husband had trouble with the g p s or their phones or anything  and they would ask my nephew to fix it for them that point he would sort of respond and discussed and take the thing for them and fix it but then there are times where they would try to figure this stuff out on their own it would anger my nephew that they couldn't do it so he would take it in disgust and then do it for them so you really can't win as a parent to something that i found out that's a story more so a joke but  s go for the next one oh seventy five and thirty seven here we go ladies and gentlemen i have just crapped my pants is the name of a book i'm working on oh sixty six i think you can get the next one ready now just for the purpose of being smooth zero sixty six so i have a twitter account and friends of mine to ask me oh what do you tweet and i say oh i just really barely use it well a few months ago i checked my twitter account and i found it turns out that i have tweeted over six thousand things over the last three years so i decided it would be interesting to go back are any of these really funny so out of the six thousand tweets i pulled some of the funny ones and that's not a very good percentage just to let you know so these are some of my better tweets i would never put milk  water but i put milk in coffee i am a liquid hypocrite everyone dies doing what they love living i practiced meditation i just visualize myself telling people how much it's changed my life and it has knock knock home invasion  go get on the ground move where is the safe i know fake it until you make it so remember america be fake fire gets termites out of wood i found that funny at one point that's it ok what do we got next you're s g fifty three page that it's not proper comedy there are props on stage and there are jokes but let's just because prop comedy is kind of a cuss word among amongst comedians let's just all agree that it's not proper comedy thank you this is going great i twenty nine i twenty one twenty nine you're all brave people who's who among you brave people is kind of having a bad day anybody just raise your hand just kind of having a bad day anyone rich just raise your hand thank you sir sorry ma'am i made it i made it worse i made it worse ma'am what's your name fran i want us to give that's free you sir i mean madam i hope you're having a better day today thank you fran what are we got next twenty eight zero zero it's complement the assistant side are you doing great this is the first he's ever done this for me you are doing excellent compliment the assistant now it's already in the book we'll discuss later if that was sincere but it was in the book what do we got next b b fifteen there are some bingo players in the audience oh ok growing up my sister and i lived with a little secret about our parents you know when you're at a certain age it's very important for you to fit in you don't want to seem different from all the other kids in school and my sister had trouble coping with the fact that my mother and father were members of the national carousel association  even acting as president for one year my sister and i would go to amusement parks with my parents and i are have this clear distinct memory of my sister saying we're a roller coaster family and my father looked at us and said no we're carousel so it is something that disturbs my sister and i to this day a little bit there were there were times when my father would be doing household chores or he would be cleaning the car and he would have a record album of band organ music blasting out the speakers we've come to terms with it now we're adults we can be fine with it but it was embarrassing is such a silly thing to be embarrassed about i twenty i love video games are there any video game fans in the audience a few we've got one open here i you know if i'm being honest my favorite video game is like the mariel brothers them i love them i love super mario brothers i love super mario brothers two and three i love mary o cart i even love mary oh world did someone over here say mario brothers mario mario brothers how many people run a pos how many people think it's pronounced mary o brothers just how many people think it's pronounced mario  people like realize that there are bigger issues in the world and there are more things to worry about and we can't really let's not use the something like the the how you would say a word as something that defined divides  let's see an thirty one this is another audience interactive one by round of applause how many of you are enjoying yourselves nice and let's be honest if how many if you are if you think the show is ok just let out a man or something like that all right and and if anybody here hates the show i want you to just stand up and yell i'm having the time of my life nobody nobody is having the time of their life anyone ok that was the first time i've done this one all right when we got next it actually would have worked out great if somebody did yell that out but that's all right for next time oh ok the swimming pool story when i was a child i was good i was going to i was doing swimming lessons and you know there was a we were taught even though we were children we were taught how to grab someone in pull them to safety and then we were sure that this would probably never happen but it's a good skill to have and one day while we were doing our hold your breath underwater drills i popped back up and somebody was screaming and pointing at something and saying you know drowning victim drowning victim so i swam over to them and put my arm underneath them and pulled them to safety only to be laughed at by everybody because it was one of those c p r dolls that had been thrown into the pool so i had done the right thing but i got ridiculed for it next seventy four it's getting tents in here free poster who here by any chance is a fan of competitive eating for the july is coming up competitive eating anybody is if anybody  chance i heard i did hear somebody applause maybe it was fake or not i don't know i have a poster here from professional competitive eater crazy legs conti he made a film there's a little it's a little risque but he made a film that he said that he will show just once and he's never going to show it again but he gave me this poster is a mentos i actually have one at home already but somebody can have this film fan a fan of competitive eating somebody just won a free poster you're you're you're near i'll give it to you and if you don't want it you give it you give to somebody else competitive eating yes fourth of july coney island what we got next an forty five it's possible that nobody's playing but we'll see we'll find out and in forty five i was raised catholic and this is a nice church story it dawned on me when i was in high school that a lot of the nice stuff that was wrapped up with in the catholic church that i was raised had more to do with the person as in rather than things that the priest was was saying whenever there was a tragedy the church community came together in a really nice way one of the nicest things i ever saw was there was a family called the name of the musters and they had a few adopted children and they had a few they had just a large family but their oldest son i grew up in cleveland was in church when he wearing a cleveland indians jersey and his father was wearing a button that said people not mascots and it struck me so much that this father could have an opinion about something but still let his son be a baseball fan it was a very warm lesson to learn about sort of accepting your kids the way they are accepting people the way they are and it was also thank you and it also did dawn on me that i never heard that from the priest i heard that from learned that from people that were around me take that what you will what we have next g fifty two so i used to i used to smoke weed quite a bit and you know as i'm getting older i can't really smoke weed as much as i used to but i can still eat it right right right if i eat a joint who i'm a happy camper if i eat a joint good saturday for me is eating a joint and then eating some macaroni and cheese just a whole box all the dry noodles that envelope oh man i am happy where we go next sixty nine everybody switch bingo cards go on switch switch being a cards that's part of the game i know fun right b nine here we go i need two or three volunteers from the audience two or three volunteers anybody who just i can start to people sure sure if you're great and more more here and this is a game called easy secrets so all you have to do is just tell an easy secret about yourself it doesn't have to be anything embarrassing it could just be easy and if you have trouble thinking of any i can give you examples but i'm sure you'll be able to think of an easy secret i love spaghetti thank you for the ever round of applause that might have been difficult for her we don't know ye easy secrets it's good that i was here to help you open up and share that with everybody thank you thank you ever out of applause for our guest easy secret that's something you can play at home at or at work with your friends b so i have a girlfriend we have been dating for the last five years and one day the movie beauty in the beast came up and i jokingly said to her well which one do you think  i am beauty or the beast and she didn't she didn't answer but what she said is in this is so insightful for any for any people looking for love out there she said to me sean i would never ever be with somebody more attractive than me so revealing i thirty blow we've got a bingo sort of coming up side is going to check your card i'm going to tell this next joke and we might have our first prize on our hands  this one is called explain a joke where i explain one of the jokes that i've told and tell you why it was funny and i guess old i guess i'll choose easy secrets why was that funny well what i did was i forced people to come up on stage some people were willing but i didn't even tell them what they were going to be doing or did he win oh hold on  a number between one and seven ok you get some bubble mailers that's right so when you come up and volunteer for something that you don't know what you're going to be doing there's something scary about it but it's called easy secrets but noticed some people still had trouble finding an easy going to tell that game is hilarious  i twenty four ok so in new york where i live there's an improv festival going on this weekend and i have the distinct pleasure to do a show at five fifteen this morning and  d you can't by the time i get back in the city i couldn't pick these up so i have to wear to wear these all day yeah yeah the honor of all right what do we got you now here here's where it gets fun we might hear some of these jokes again gee fifty four when i was a kid i really didn't mind the spankings when we got four i forget i x this is i messed something up i don't even remember what i did for that one what did i do for that one do you remember all right i noticed that after i gave cider a compliment i didn't get one but that's fine you know it's interesting i find that a lot of people want to be liked you know there's so many things times that we sort of we don't say what we really mean because we want to be like you know we don't offend anyone and i'm here to tell you that it is a burden to be liked by people thank you sound  it because when you like our liked by everybody they want to come and see you all the time the consulate calling you they're dropping by they want to know you're doing it's better to just be yourself yeah this is  an incomplete i forget the punchline for this one so yeah i thirty we're going to hear something again this is not i also messed t fifty two i used to smoke weed and you know i can't really smoke it as much as i used to but i can eat it right man if i eat a jo really gets me a good saturday for me is eating a joint eating macaroni and cheese the box the crunchy noodles then go about all of it what we got next be fourteen this is the swimming pool did you guys know that one zero zero zero yeah i thought i was doing a heroic thing by saving somebody but it turned out to be a prank that was pulled on me it was a c p r doll it's a great memory but it's in the past you know an forty two you know homophobia have been in the news lately there's a lot of bathroom laws that are being passed around the country and you know if i'm being honest with myself i probably am a little homophobic in that moment right before my lover makes love to me i do get a little scared but it's that fun kind of scared you know what i mean my lover jeff but it's that fun kind of scared  one oh if we could explain the joke again i'll explain that  really in the back ok wow cheese i was just going to i was just using that as a base for something that's actually more embarrassing what i had done but wow ok that puts him things in perspective an whenever in front of a roomful of people that they've craps their pants before same same one wow my weeks feeling a lot better what we got next oh sixty seven lot of my friends think that i'm extreme i feel that bread and the ownership of cats should be made illegal and well here's why you know whenever you hear somebody trying to lose weight they always talk about cutting out  how difficult it is and you know i have friends that are cat owners and they are not loved by their cats in fact there was a recent study where there was a the element in cat feces that was shown to cause to people to become crazy yes somebody knew it over here so there is a part of me that really thinks that these two things should be outlawed  although i know that would be very difficult to do so it's probably just easy to just keep on doing what we're doing because change is difficult so i'm not really that extreme is what i'm trying to say you can have bred in cats i know that was very circular logic but what do we got next g fifty six fifty six a but it is i pronounce the last name correctly but i got the first name wrong i got i got the initials wrong yes people love correcting people so there was the point of that joke yes but we got next you will stray that lovely eighteen i do need a volunteer somebody from the audience real quick just somebody coming up ye and thirty seven ladies and gentlemen i've just cried my pants is a book that i'm writing and what do we what do we got next g forty nine so my girlfriend claims that i'm not shocked or surprised by anything does anybody have something that could possibly shock or surprise me any story or anything any personal detail yes i'm i'm i'm not i'm not surprised that you have to roll the other way yeah next sixty nine and i know that when everybody switch cards everybody switch cards life throws you curveballs you didn't know that you'd be coming here and learning something about li where my ancestors are from you go you've heard of this yes and it turns out that i am part of the problem eighty five percent part of the problem fifty percent irish  come up and check your prize this is i have a step niece and she thank you for playing and who will check your i have a step niece and she recently taught me a song that i'd she's she's four months old my step number between one and six three fifty sandwich bags there you go thank you for playing let's put those balls back in there how much how much time do i have left two minutes oh ladies and gentlemen this is the first time two people have ever won at this game so this is very exciting for me  and but this also means we might also be hearing some jokes again i know this is a flaw in the game that i was well aware of when i came up with this concept which we all know is not comedy we all here are we already agreed on that ok and we have the wheel the correct way oh sixty five a dad joke this is a joke that my dad told me we were recently in his neighborhood we're driving around and we put it next to a monte carlo and he said what do you think of that monte carlo it's doesn't look like a that great of a car it was again ok and he's like no if you don't like the body of it right just looks like a like a lame car yeah  i don't like it it's more like a monte car no that's my dad joke what do we got next he asked that i put that in there oh sixty two a random plug from someone in the audience being ok come up and check your numbers there's any is there a performer in the audience that wants to plug something artists anybody who has something that they would like to plug what is it i hope you're creative because you just won some markers right so i think we have time for one or two more let's see here one or two more and i'd like to thank you you've been a great audience oh seventy you know it's interesting everybody wants to be liked so much but it really is a it's a burden being light and wanting to be liked by everybody and i'm going to work on this punch line and then get back to you guys maybe i'll come here just do that one joke and come back one more and one more let's end on a strong note maybe he said on the other side of the table i seventeen come on up and claim your prize oh this is good because i need a volunteer well so you can you can come up with what your name linda i want i'm going to bend over this and i just want you to kick me in the ass as hard as you can i'm kidding i would nest somebody to you that life is not as scary as we think it will be pick a number between one in four but not three thi sequel of all the places you'll go number two so i hope so but if not you can we get it i won't be offended everyone thank you so much for having me a good read will close the solder and  so we have a few more for you this next one is about a fruit no no no the american had a lot to corral i heard a rumor you guys are true touring the summer is that correct you're touring all the way to newark you know you're going to europe or something like this yes where you where you going wow very good wow there they'll be touring throughout europe with the philadelphia jazz orchestra throughout the summer in july or isn't all right there we've been on the thirtieth of june as in like a couple days from now well good luck to you all you guys going to have a blast next one is going to be on the fourth saturday of july that is july whatever it is the fourth saturday of july twenty third thank you very much thank you very much for coming thank you very much for enjoying and and try to try not to kick anybody