it's carol ricard and welcome to the well you show if this is your first time tuning in just let me tell you briefly about that in a minute but i want to introduce my guests co host angel tortorella on baku is the pain detective and so we're working on it so if this is your first time tuning into well you show we've been doing a show really with the idea of bringing tools to people so that they can live well today i've spent twenty five years working in a hospital teaching these tools and i always want to give them to people so you can avoid the hospital so sometimes these ladies know what we're doing sometimes they don't they didn't until they walked in the door s this this this is i mentioned it to you all and you said oh you were just talking about this so here is what we're going to talk about today i call it's dealing with situations because to me you could say dealing with difficult people but sometimes it's not the person it's is your question so so i actually have a nice little work she that we're going to get everybody to do so i have one for me but i have one for you and we're going to use it is our guide and as always the answers that we come up with were gonna print them up so everybody can have them to share  so when i said this to you all what popped into your head you want to go first oh yes i will start i'm going through some health moments and so things have been moving along pretty well then all the sudden it kind of changed and and i'm trying to figure out the nature of communicating this person is a person who thing seems to act like he knows everything so it's a know it all type person but we're seeing a lot of kindness and help s here's where we're going to we're going to do we're going put a line here we are going to get another marker and here's what i want to start with is there are types of people are right because that's kind of what you just described to me was a type and then down here we'll put types of situations so honestly jewel you just described to to me yes i don't know if you realized it but the first was the situation because you said going through a health thing and so that's a situation where i'm just go write health that anybody who's dealing with any health changes diets definitely a difficult situation just on its own yes yes and then you describe the type of person right now is this person health but it's pain well knowing injury no i think we better put pain listen pain to me is a whole different monster would you agree yeah because you can you can have good health and still have the pain like it doesn't matter you might say your health is fairly good but you could still have pain it's when it interrupts your daily living things that you enjoy whether it's just walking or standing up sitting in the car but i think this it you asian is it sometimes in it's really interesting because it's kind of what we were talking about when we were getting ready to do the show and george was in here and he was talking about even just being in the kitchen yeah like just regular kinds of situations that that you know and now is this when you talk about these the spain and when you're experiencing erosion when other people are all bearing so so on both sides also as i have experienced you know as we know also you know for a period of time and i know how it affected you know the pain or effected my mood  just want to just like lay down and not tell the world and said now and i have clients that are dealing with a haze and you know since i'm so what i want and i see a lot of time with them you know i feel you know their sadness and they're just supposed to do in taking the time to recuperate and then ended up you know making the needy or right thing worse or the back or even somebody who knew her gastric bypass surgery she ended up having them urgency surgery because she was put i'm not all of them are right this is this is not all of them but this can be some doctors yeah yeah you know already challenging and when i say difficult dealing with difficult issues the situation again or the that environment is the difficult to doesn't mean they're a bad person it just means it's a really challenging situation to deal with in any with any other people come to mind a while and then there's let's put passive aggressive one of breviary just so we don't use up a lot of space on our board but you know basically just to give a quick explanation of what they see is is that it's the style of communication where if i'm angry at you i don't say to you our main griot you but i give you the silent treatment and i shut down and i'm doing it purposely because i want you to know that i'm pissed so i'm using silence as the way of just now it makes me think of the other person who doesn't do it on purpose but just withdraws i think there are some that you know in and tell you to situations it can be challenging you've learned that but for no better word dance invitations the dads the is gotten better at if i had asked you this two years ago you were told me oh you know it just kind of goes back and forth and back and forth and i i get sucked in right but you all have learned how them because it's like who in the back then maybe you want to be right each person a person wants to be right to prove that there are not a fault right yeah or the problem but you know the button pusher but with very difficult situations bunches of times in our days in our lives and i will say something else i had somebody it was a client and the grandmother over the years and i didn't have any coping skills at that point your you were on empty i was on empty i couldn't like i felt so sunken yeah yeah tired or hungry and just like mentally yeah exhausted exhausted yeah i am i should know my skills come on skills and but i think i think skills work when you only have a little bit of energy you know and when i was right and  that's where sometimes the disadvantage of your services though are you might have to go boom boom boom which is like i worked in a hospital so guess what you didn't get to control the flow it was boom boom boom boom boom and my rule with that is even if you have to excuse yourself and you can just go do something for thirty seconds or a seconds you know that you have to make that time you can't eat it may not seem like a lot of refuelling but thirty or sixty seconds away from all of this gives you the chance to breathe again rather than be suffocated by well let me ask you since we're you know i'm looking we're looking for help and as yet i said is that because of my client that i've had for years that that injure her knee in dance really really bad turn around in a cracker so there was a situation where i had the parent on the phone who now lives far away but it was in town and this and this adult who i haven't seen in a while because of her underpaying me and being very overwhelming she i was in the other situation where i didn't know what to do because she grabbed the mother's phone and because they were staying with her and one of the white men and she was the ride and i tell you what i don't know what i wouldn't want to do well you just made me think of another kind of person right here demanding people yeah i mean because i am not a mean person so she had the opportunity she was the driver so it was there's no way i felt i can say no you're going to be here but i'm not going to work on you well ok so let's come back to that because we're going to well identify these and then we're going to talk about in a just another minute or so what do we do ok so i just want to double check if there's any others i mean i have one other probably fit some of these categories but dismissing this missile or whatever you want to call that like you start to say anything a person just works out yeah yeah yeah well and i think yeah that's is that passive aggressive yeah i'm thinking oh that's no no i think it's it could be more generated from more aggressive is that well let me let me put to you one of my types of people that's a real challenge  yeah right and i'm no person that i don't know that this person you know and and that i have to say is probably really really challenging person to kind of d situations i mean we have health we have pain we have you know kind of that dance invitation and and i think the other situation is i'm trying to think of the words to just describe you know where you're kind of on off in a different place or different like where this deck is stacked against you so this is good this is good so i'm going to flip this over all right and we're going on this one yesterday i'm doing well i'm going to tell you one that i kind of a lie that i have found myself using more and and it's kind of doesn't lead to much but what i've been able to do is just say that's interesting i don't want to ignore a person because you know what happens when you ignore person they get that much louder  right so it's not about trying to just ignore somebody what they're saying i think that actually makes it worse so i will acknowledge what you said but i'm not going to dance and i'm not going to feed it and i'll just say oh that's interesting let's let's stick with this the situation is i think that's a great it's a great could you say what else do i say carol and julie's well it was all passive aggressive why well it's kind of not the what to say but it's the words itself but it really is the set limits and here's what i mean by that  you or the client and your very demanding client and it's me saying to you look i would be happy to work with you however these are the there was no discussion or any appointments for whole year i thought you know who we are guess what she just said oh i thought here's the other thing  dealing with other people over it but the question is can you use it to be prepared for the next time because i can assure you just the person that you described and i i can assure you that these people here right they're not changing any be dealt with or once i promise you're going to deal with them again can i ask you carol it isn't for most people because there was the granddaughter when there's other is no where near my feet right but i didn't you didn't want to make a scene maybe in the i had a granddaughter yet let me know it's possible i think the most important thing is can you maybe use it though to think of if it happened again because just the woman you describe things to i could bet you five hundred dollars it would happen again may not be for another year or you know but again but i think i think you're get what you're getting at is year that set limits and recognizing it or it was something about this situation that i just wasn't able to do it and it to me it's not about even feeling it's just like ok what else do i gotta learn to deal with this kind of person  now because if they showed up once in your life i promise you they're showing up again we kind of revisit you know kind of like goes like a merry go round i almost think and and what to say was i know but in a way that you don't used to and oh i let me give you a quick one that's not acceptable that's not acceptable you're saying no but in a kind of a nice way oh or that's not what we discussed i'm thinking about are you like i'm thinking for some reason my mind is on kind of money already i can just say because we didn't again i want come back to this point because i think that this commute this whole thing of communication is such an important tool to be able to have and just in the years that i've known you all you kind of stand up for yourself and not be get beaten down or not to retreat if you're going to face challenges of way her way but wait well this one got me ok so what is it about this when it got me and i think you have identified so there is is just a enough time had kind of gone by just this sudden this sort of caught you off guard a little bit and then the other having you know the person around and quite honestly i think not wanting to make a scene and have it be embarrassment to the granddaughter and that that all makes sense to me joe i think for you it's just finding a way so that if you can keep yourself from getting back in that situation because you know if it's the person and the granddaughter you know then it probably will be the same cause you're a good hearted person and you're not going to make them and i would have done twenty minutes for what she gave me yeah yeah now here's what i want to do flip the pages over now and  again probably got to do it again you know because i think that so important for people to have the words to be able to use and sometimes you just don't say it because you don't know what to say and yeah i mean that's what  situation quite honestly even when somebody is lying to me i use this and i know they're lying to me and i want to call somebody on something rather than get an aggressive the it would even with a waitress or a waiter or  some i'm confused i thought i ordered it instead of this and what i think of them is just like a soft landing that it's like a little knock on the door this like move on woohoo and particularly with behavior that changes it's like confusion you know three weeks ago this was this and today and it's sticking to facts because that's the others of the so is is needy person so so i want to put a couple down here for you avoid this word and the other one is you need to be nice and give me one or two more pretty common things that people deal with and hopefully people are walking away and having some tools for be able to do that so thank you so many years so thank you for watching i hope you have some tolls for  living well today