hello and welcome to the man i think you're giving show i am your host is barbara brown harvey the kid give us advocate thank you so much for tuning into our show today today's topic is entitled caring for the can gather i will goal here is to provide the kid gave the community with the resources and information that will benefit kids givers and the recipients of care support group on facebook and i have a kid give a support hotline which operates monday through friday twelve to two you can contact me if i could be in the service to you at kid givers seniors to thank you and your business to your project caring for the caregiver is a monthly support call via teleconference and we do it on the third wednesdays of every month it's a year old we  cancer in two thousand and twelve so we had gone through the surgeries the chemo holes the radiation the proton therapy just so many things and i got to the point where i wanted to be able to connect with somebody just on the days that i needed to breathe and i really couldn't find anyone i really did not connect with anyone the people that i connected with were going through what i was going through but there was no one there to lead in the sense to get us all together to provide some support in empowerment for us so last i think it was april and may i made a decision in june that i would do this one teleconference that would be a prayer call where i would gather the caregivers together we would meet on the call and we would have a time of prayer just encouraging them and encouraging me as well and asking god to strengthen us and give us the things that we need praying for those we were caring for and when june came and the feedback in the just the the responses that i received from the people i realize that at that time that this needed to be an ongoing support c june there was a dialogue i greeted the people i talked to them about my journey told them the reason that i was doing it and just began to tell them the different things that i had gone through and i gave them an opportunity before i ended the call  hit star six and two acts any questions or anything and there was such a large community of people who were raising their hands and simply saying help help yeah yes one chapter in my book  you go to and you can encourage each other and you may know a better way of dealing with something that they're going through to help them and they may be of help you which is wonderful so you say that you do it every wednesday  pray and caring for the caregiver came under an out of the mold of a and so get out of that we have people all over california kentucky arizona so when i schedule things i've tried to do it at a time it's all over wow yeah like you know someone from california can tap into your your phone call and they can tap into the internet radio show and it's just a blessing that you know if you can find something right directly in your town you can go on to the internet  negative is how you use it yes but i have been blessed to meet people like me who will books who are trying to help the caregivers trying to help the recipients it's just wonderful it is that islam wonderful thing really  is so do you would you want to give up your number and your cold or would you want to immigrate you website and get that it won't what i encourage them to do just so that they can be a part of our entire motivate and pray they will always be notified of everything that we do but also i would be more than happy to let them know where they can contact with us the only only thing that i am getting ready to do possibly in september i have many things that i do filtering through this one teleconference line because everything is growing i am getting ready to do a new telephone number dedicated to caring for the caregiver i will be one hundred percent caring for the camper and everything that we do with caring for the caregiver would be that one particular number because it is just so much money and everything is filtering through the one thing when i have the i have a weekly empowerment call every saturday morning eight o'clock am eastern standard time so we use that number for that then when i do work out workshops and different we use the same line thing so because everything is just i have to get a new line so that i can help with the recordings that would allow me to secure and keep more recordings for the caregiver yes first started the call i was doing it on my own but i have since connected with some awesome women who has supported me and they have been there through me because my i started out as a caregiver and to take that back i'm going to refrain rephrase what i started because i was i became a single parent when my children were ten and six years old and that's a form of caregiving as well i don't know if it is so as a single parent i was a caregiver my youngest son graduated high school in two thousand and twelve and june at that time i was excited ready to party hard enough let me got my life back but in october of the same year my mom was diagnosed with lung place in eternity july of last year so while i was doing those things i have tell you hughes out of joy and out of new jersey ok and they have supported me and i have officially named them as co host of the care and for the caregiver show because there are so many things that i am doing now where i've said no in the past i can say yes because i can and trust this to them and these to they are still caregivers  message itself is not selfish you want to sound upon yes and then i thought of the theme initially when i started the call because one thing that i realized is that my life is funny i  say now that god set me up because doing what i'm doing now if you would have access me five years ago to map out a plan this none of this would be in that plan he set me up i did not plan on doing anything that i'm going now but this was everything that i do know that is striving is was birthed on my mother's illness and my mother's sickness so when i when i look at my life and i understand where i am now i understand that god positions us in a way where even though you are dealing with something that can be overwhelming yes still can live and i revert back to thinking about the jeremiah twenty nine where in that particular scripture everyone always quotes that eleventh verse that says that i will bring you to an expected but if you look at the entire story this is where the children of israel they came and they were in bondage and they wanted to get out and they have prophets that came to them and said oh god it's going to get you out god is going to get you out but then jeremiah had become the same no he's not he's not going to get you out you're going to be here for seventy years but what got want you to do that while you are being while you're in captivity he wants you to live he wants you to grow he want you to thrive he want you to raise children he want you to create the land he wants you to live life just as if you were free right  whatever you do i don't care if it's five minutes if it's ten minutes take some time for yourself and do something that you love because i always remember if you have ever flown the flight attendants when they give you that safety check they say if you're traveling you are less than lines but we are more affective as human beings and as people when we serve ourselves and when you serve yourself is not selfish all you are doing is touching the person that god created more you do support yourself and cause yourself to do some of the things that you love even in that situation in that state the better you will be you'll have more patience you'll have more love you're just be more effective overall because you're not so backed up in the sense you have to have a release and yes if you do ok i know that you spoke about being the primary primary caregiver for your some beautiful siblings my baby brother was not able to assist in the care of my mom but my sister and my brother they all part played a part is just that mind seem so much because i was always the one to get the news i took her to all of her doctor's appointments i spent the night and i see you all the medical stuff that was me the insurance and getting all of that stuff with me so that emotional roller coaster my sister made sure that she ate well my sister with her at night when she was not in the hospital or of rehab my brother made sure that her co pays were taken care of when i had to hear her medication and things like that so we work together for you because that's my main  mission my main ministry is trying to encourage families the various friends anyone who's willing to help to dish reach out and help because when they do help is more manageable and it's not overwhelming for one person that's right you know i've heard a little resistance from people who are saying well you know everybody can do it for this or that but you know i say everybody may not be the do what you and i do right primary everybody's going to redo something and just what you said that what your brother did his part your sister did her part like and if anybody just do a little bit a piece of the puzzle that's one of the things the primary person have to do a little bit less stress yes so i think that's beautiful and i mean it's not my job gave me the flexibility to do that and i had m when she was in my mother was in radiation seven and a half weeks every day monday through friday and we had to take her in the morning she did proton therapy eight and a half weeks and i had to take her every day there was no set time i would not know i'd take her to one appointment then they would tell me what time to bring her back the next day it was not consistent so i can take arrest seven am and one day one hundred pm in the afternoon another day one thirty it was not consistent so trying to work and do all of that it was challenging but my my job for them they gave me the flexibility to be able to do that and i was just determined that i i cared for my mother to live i wasn't ready for her to go with none of us  death comes we're not ready for them to go through i cared for her to live so i felt that the more i made sure she was good the longer that she would be here to be here with us so you you don't think about anything else you just do it and you just make it ha unfortunately there are a lot of people who are not as blessed as i was to have the help of their siblings and i know of your families who have seven seven in ten siblings and only one person thirst and care for that person who is and it's overwhelming it is a lot and i just try to make sure that i remember them in prayer and encouraging them to let them know that although i may not be able to be there with you with my hands on know that i am asking god to touch you and encourage you  and taking care of your mother your experienced that help you manage it a little bit better than you can tell myself and maybe the audience just walking away i just i learned that patience and love just goes so far and it makes all the difference in the world when when you take a moment and you are caring for that person and you really understand that this was not something they acts for and if they had a choice they certainly would not be here and when you love them and you have patients and you understand where they are it makes it easier because sometimes things will happen the mother made it easy to care for her right and that's not the case away i have family members who have caregivers and are caregivers and their parents are so whatever the case don't make it easy for them to care for them so you have to when you have instances like that you have to reach deep down you have to reach way down just to make sure that you stay focused as you do and allow their actions to cause you to act in a way that you wrote that you will regret down the line and and four motivate him pray the motivate and pray piece that i do my message there is always to make prayer the first response in every area of your life i simply say pray first  so that was birthed out of this as well because i understood that every time the doctor gave me a bad report every time they found something else as much as i wanted to cry or run away or do something i'd turn my head up to the father and i had conversation with him and that accident for the courage and the strength to be able to endure this next process and that made all the difference in the world for me because when i tell people is when you pray first continue mourn your journey understanding that the more you believe in the more that you do that god will make all things well yes and so that those are some of the things that i learned through this again when when my mother started when this all happened and she had to go for all these treatments and especially with the proton therapy which was the hardest of them all because it was hardest part her because what proton therapy they only focus on one area with the radiation they have to protect all the other areas it is deadly to allow that new radiation treatment to touch the old so they had to prepare this mask for her and it was made out of the cas remember years ago they used to have the heart cath get when you broke your arm or your leg so every time she went she had to put this mass her and everyone else who was there they had to put this mask over themselves and they had to keep the mask on and if you're claustrophobic it just takes you to a whole nother place so she had to be get some medication to help her to be able to endure this process she did it every day for eight and a half weeks but it was very hard for her so it covered her whole face and she had to put in this based on where your treatment is for treatment was here so she had to have it from here all the way all the way down she had to have it like that so when the people there were a lot of people there were babies there who had to get the proton therapy there were teenagers there there were older people there and there was just a range and a variety of different people and i really became something during that time because when i went there i had just started taking some classes and i you know i said you know what i'm just going to do every time i come here i'll do homework was never got to do homework because i became the minister of the proton therapy the little babies who would not allow anyone to  hold them let me hold them the teenagers who would have any conversation they talk with me and their parents were like they never talk to anybody the older people when they were off frantic and they had to do their treatment and they couldn't get themselves together and there was all god it had nothing to do with me it was all god what half of the time of this was treatment this was probably my mother was all over she had lung surgery at princeton hospital life and she had the when she had the relapse for ended the cancer went to her brain now diagnosed and robert wood in hamilton she had her radiation treatment at princeton princeton their princeton radiology center she had her proton therapy at the center in somerset she had her mega knife treatment at robert wood in new brunswick she initially we were going down to south jersey for all of her treatment but then they stopped using her insurance so then we had to start all over  get this cough so we didn't worry about it in the summertime when it when go away so she went to the doctor took herself to the doctor because she was always in good health my mom would come and clean my house from top to bottom so i missed her for that right w health and so the cough wouldn't go away so her medical her internal medicine doctor center for x ray and she called me at work that was the day to change my life october two thousand and twelve i'm sitting at my desk the normal day and she she says has an excess mass on her lungs and you know what to i'm glad you get there simply because somebody on t v land might be experiencing mad or their loved ones or know someone and so if you do you know tell them to go to the doctor because you don't ever remember what it is and you know it is better catch anything sooner as opposed to later and when we look back at my mother's pictures of the year two thousand and twelve we could tell she was in the another great point because people can start taking notice yeah because for instance i have a friend that he cares for his father and he said he notices father to the doctor ten times for the same thing yes because the truth of the matter is i mean that head to the first time right and my mom had to have it because by the time they found it was it was huge wow but again when we look at the pictures from two thousand eleven to two thousand and twelve her look started to change but i guess because we were around her so much we didn't we didn't notice even though anything that so pay attention that i think that's the most the best advice that i can give every pay attention  and my mom last year in may she i did take on a couple of speaking engagements and my sister was with her and she's like so i don't i don't feel good something is not right about mommy so she's i can't put my finger on it i went to x or she says she's ok so i had a speaking engagement where i had to be gone for the entire day so i said mommy i want you to come with me i want you to be with me reading as i have to get up early in the morning we have to leave at those way up north jersey and she was excited about going and she was able to she had a wonderful day i did not notice anything about her harmony havior or she did everything part but the next day yeah she she started showing some signs and that's my know it you just have to pay attention so you're just have to try to take the make the best moments out of it and understand that this is a part of life that we can't conquer in a sense we all have to experience that point where our family members our parents they get older and sometimes they get older and it's natural and they just leave my dad died at forty five you know