hi welcome to well university glad to have you with us cases the first time tuning in i'm carol ricard and the american wellness america's wellness and bassett and i'm joined by my co host slash guess  come join us and have some fun what we do here on this show is we actually our mission is just to really make sure people have tools in order to live well i've worked for twenty five years in hospitals teaching people how to live well and all three of us are trying to give people the tools and kind of polish up our own as we go along so today we know they don't know what we're going to talk about so try surprised so what we are going to talk about though  with support and one of the important thing is it is to get anywhere in life whether it's in you know your career it's in your health good to have this and research has actually shown that people that have support or even healthier than people that don't and if you're struggling with a health issue which i myself i'm a person living with a mental health condition i've lived with major depression for twenty five years that this support becomes important because you're around people speaking the language think about all the different support groups that you've heard of divorce single moms come up with any other  recovery substance abuse grief support groups cancer support groups and the really the important part about it is it we have people around us that speak the same language is we do but sometimes you can get connected to people that are so healthy and so we're going to brainstorm today so here's how we like to do our show we're just going to brainstorm our ideas and then we put this up on the computer on a web page so you can actually have access to what we write down so so you ladies ready so here's what we're going to do we are going to focus on the right support this is going to be the warning signs like run run run how your other way yes and this is going to be the signs are going to say ok this person is a healthy support because i think what happens is you get people that want to be your support but maybe they're not such healthy people and actually sometimes they can do more harm than they can do good so just brainstorming care i want to start with warning signs what is something even for your own life experiences do you've learned about people who maybe have come into your lives coworkers support that you were to stay away so carol let me just get this clear so we're not just talking about like group support we're talking about a family th characteristics of that person so you go to that group for support ok there's twenty other people there not everybody there might be a healthy support for you to kind of connect on and rely on show it's what what tells you it's what was good for them and what was good for them should be good for you someone it's very negative oh yeah i want to do this negative yeah i tell you what another one did i can think of is somebody who is judgement on you know what up with that to be lasting i need is somebody be judging me you know or quite honestly being so let's put this year onesided they tell you what if we end up filling up this whole page we'll go to the next you know so yeah because i think once we get on a roll we actually do really really really well so yes i think support you'll see typical type situations where somebody just is constantly i guess once again it's a know it all but they're always wanting their friends around you know who are you know and they are everything is their way or no way and you know i don't know what i call th dominator dominators ok you know where where it's kind of like it's kind of they dominate the conversation i'm usually in trade off and yeah and that can happen in a group or that could happen even you kind of what you described it was kind of dominated our run side so seem as controlling i mean you know i could at different i think controlling is something completely different i mean for some for some of us in fetal watching some of these words might mean the same thing there are no right or wrong answers so that's why i think the more we get up here actually the better off that we all are all right there is one it comes it's my first one on the list and i know it would be yours if i hadn't sprung this on you people that are abusive yeah you know it's just i mean it crossed at lying you know so anybody that i had it work i actually had a boss i do the line in the sand and i would watch or be abusive to all my other  coworkers and i was like listen they're big people they can take care of themselves i can't do their battles for him but then the minute she kind of stepped over that i was a web i you know because she was she really was a very abusive work environment too  oh i just thought of another one how about people that blame could quite honestly the flip side of that is people don't take responsibility that don't take responsibility imo put out one up here don't take there there's no wrong whatever comes up to your mind throw good up here so let's just say it's a support group or to quit smoking and and you know there are people going on during the break or going outside smoking i don't know oh you know what  call that hypocritical right or you say one thing and do another but they talk and don't walk  that i mean because reason about this is and let's take a smoking example it's people are going to relapse with smoking you know because it's a chronic type of disease like any addiction the thing to me though is that if i'm smoking right outside my group that i'm putting you in jeopardy and putting you in risk and so to me it's more the location you know me because it's because you're really kind of sabotaging other people be people that are users just people you know that want to use them for their own good and also maybe if i'm trying to be sober then evolve around somebody who's not sober not a good support personally for me so i'm looking mean it really and here is where i do is all all go back to because i've certainly done this a gazillion times over the years and i keep track of all of them so any any good ones we don't happen to come up with today all add them to our list so that people can go to the website now actually print this out so they have it because that's the go or have a tool box you know and then just have all these tools to use yeah that is i would tell you one other thing to me all right good i knew here we are a very supportive you know i knew that we could actually build up this whole list this thing about it in some you know just kind of speaks to some of the other shows that we've done because we've talked about ways to deal with people pushing your buttons you know we've talked about how to say no without saying no and these sometimes these unhealthy supports are the hardest people to actually do  that and so it really is about just having a whole bunch of different tools that you can pick up and used them and now to me this is kind of like a magnifying glass you can use on relationships where there again you know work you know supportive you know what there's one other one that is coming to mind and i'm going to put this down here critical oh yeah you know somebody that thought now we can do we can do this together as a group or get through this ok so i learned my lesson you know don't don't make them sweat so this is the this is what we gotta look out for let's  know ok so first of all we are good listener we could and here's the thing all the ones we come up with here we could put the opposite on the so cause when you just said i was like oh that's a good one somebody doesn't listen right like somebody talking about some say oh you know i just read something i'm still trying to figure out but it's been very helpful this might be something on the subject so you want to take a look at it so raises ideas rather than shoving a match you right house out as i think i mean and and i think the other thing you're saying though is somebody it's a little bit of a resource a resourceful person you know like that's good to know like if i am you know going through chemotherapy and i know somebody that resourceful that could be a support for me then i can bypass all the mistakes you know and go to that person who you know might be a great resource for person for me to so i'm going to give you one and it goes to the so because i didn't write this down for the other one some it's on his you know and the flipside would be dishonest right yeah you know honesty to be i mean that's hard to come by it is yeah yeah i was there so yeah i really i start to go somewhere else where we're staying  and i was going to see a good communicator yes it's ok so let's pull communicates but then there's one other thing i want to make sure we talk about cause can you think back to the show we did on communication and step up mike here that there are a couple different styles of communication oh ok so we would want somebody who can also be assertive right  we don't want somebody who's aggressive aggressive wasn't passive aggressive that would be right oh my goodness so let's let's put the shirt of appear to cause it think about that assertive person is a you can count on him to be honest with you you know and they're not going to hurt your feelings on purpose built they'll be honest with you but hey you know it might hurt your feelings but it's unintentional all right how about how about the person who walks the walk  or walks or talk because it goes back to what you said you know they remember talk yeah but don't walk so this is we're going to put is individual in the person said well yes there was a situation where this guy they want to buy this van for this person true situation you know and they did like one of those crowds fundraiser things and you know kind of trying to raise the money for that anybody that contributed to that i mean that to me is a kind of like i'd say ok they're good they're good people so you know and i'm all right this one because i'm thinking of a work situation don't gossip because honestly i know for me it would be the opposite that would be the warning sign to get away from anybody that was talking about anybody else but you know why if they're talking to you about somebody else then you know  limits and i'll explain what i mean by both of those are right the boundaries are resisting you know where your life begins and begins like they're not going to encroach you know and try and tell you what you need to do  and the being able to set limits is the person who is able to say to you no i don't agree you know which are really healthy that signs of a healthy persia you know all right so  i could think i could just think about what you ladies are because to me your my support you know and one of the things that comes to mind oh my god sincere sincere  really has a significant impact on our lives and especially if you're somebody who's dealing with a long term health issue a chronic health issue you know for me you know with a mental health i need somebody who is not going to you know kind of make me feel a particular way like oh ok carry your weak person you know because you have depression ok we don't have it up there what we're going to say i'm just going to say like on the other page somebody doesn't sabotage so let's just say that you're trying to lose weight or word that came to mind as i was just talking about that understand these and even if they're not they'll they'll try to be you know like that's what i get from you ladies as well is is really kind of like if you don't important and that is that we're looking at supports having the same goals to becomes really important right because it comes back to let's say that group you talk about the stop smoking group yeah well so listen if this person and they kind of want to stop but if they're smoking it where our group is then yeah you really do they have the same goal that i have and got and then we push we kind of push each other to and we have similar goals and for us us three year you know you i think you guys are joining me because we just want to help people be well and live well and so that's the goal is really well this ok i thought of another one i thought of a work situation cuz because of having worked in the hospitals for many many many like twenty five years i thought about sometimes how i worked with staff people in the past who talked down to me so so to me i want to put equal because i like that you know that there's not this talk down which would go on our other list of the warning sign right people talk down to you so let's put equal here  my sister actually made a list yeah with all the qualities and characteristics that she was looking for in a spy ok i guess what why richard came into her life and he met every single one of those kind of goes back to the whole idea of you know goes back even the launch landing on the move right if you set the goal you set the target then you're kind of aiming towards it all along so reliable let's put always you know there and i like reliable and i like your word dependable because  a slow start and we kind of start rolling along here but i was thinking about it honestly i was thinking about one of the senators i heard him say something that they were on different parties right so it was senator mccain talking about senator biden and how they were on different political parties they could disagree in the senate but that outside of the senate that joe biden knew that if he needed help at two o'clock in the morning from somewhere that he could call senator mccain and he would be there and so i think that to me is the ability to set boundaries too because there may be how about this agree to disagree yeah i think th to disagree is you know if this is really really important because it recognizes that i'm not you and you're not me n how can we do this together all right i'm coming back here let's see if i can get the papers down as before we we wra up which i hate to tell you it's just about that time so warning signs that we came up with were the know it all tells you what you need to do the negative judgment all always about them kind of one sided dominators weak controlling in critical abusive really don't carry their own weight don't take responsibility don't they talk and don't walk sabotage  idea is you know they're dishonest you know kind of like they give you think about it we probably just came up with more negatives or more warning signs but that's ok because here's the thing if i can stay away from an unhealthy person i'm better off even if i don't connect to the healthy person and the health of that word right very right so if i can steer your own way from the unhealthy then i've also served myself very well i think ye don't think even realize i don't think they realize it it's just it's such it's so much more peaceful yes yeah because it was it was just you know take take take take yes and you know the other word it just came to mind it doesn't go on this always the healthy list but as actually on the unhealthy list and that was chaos a person who is constantly chaos and the other person i thought it was neediness you know that  this stuff put it on a worksheet so people can go and get that website as well university dot com well actually when we show our show you know we'll kind of have that out there and so you got to check princeton t v dot org and find us we're on monday nights and six six and sunday morning to eight thirty and i just want to say thank you to my guest class slash co host because we need it has to be us it's a team project here so i really greatly appreciate it great we want to thank you for joining us today and we hope that you get some tools out of this so that you can live well today