so it's probably going to at some point some of you sitting alone may want to mold so you can sit near somebody that to be able to interact i will not take that personally i think of things as being very successful ok just so you know this is you know being in a big room like this it feels much more formal than i'm hoping will need to be ok so it's a pleasure to be here with all of you tonight to talk about this topic i think is one of the most important topic in children's lives today except for their education of course especially when we're here in of elmont school but for some children they spend as much time or more with screens than they do in school special move figure their summer time etc so it's a really important topic and my work does focus on the younger ages when they really get socialised into it and that's what are primarily be focusing on but there be a chance for questions and we can think about what does it mean if kids get older too so the first thing i would like to do is have a few questions for you to think about to help us begin and to help me shape how i talk about some of the slides that i have today the first is most of what i talk about will be depressing so if you're already depressed you may not want to stay i'm going to give you that warning but so i want to start the thing about one positive way you see media and technology used in your family because there are positive ways secondly one way you see media affect your child or children that worries you and then one thing you hope to learn tonight about dealing with media and technology in your family because that helps shape what we're going to talk about tonight so if you could talk to somebody near you about these three questions for just a couple minutes and then we'll come back together and share some of the highlights that's how i'd like to begin please feel free to move if that would help you talk to somebody ok you can finish up your sentence thank you ok so now this is when you may decide you want to move in come closer but you need to speak pretty so using you to to learn things like her daughter learn how to play ukulele using you tube so using it for actual lessons to teach things that they wouldn't otherwise be able to learn ok especially you know family members who live grandparents or live far away being able to skype being able to actually see each other being able to visit using technology in a way that years ago you couldn't is the way that when when you're you know building your reggie regular rituals and routines every friday before bedtime we have a visit doing things like that when children are little and continuing when something exciting happens as kids get older to be able to interact so using it for family communication has been another positive way that families have found for using media anybody else yes ok starting at seven or eight and i'll talk a little bit about development for why that's an age where that more kind of logical use of technology starts becoming interesting but being able to store programming in taking charge and being more in control of what happens instead of of kind of trying to figure out someone else's program right so creating your own creative ways of dealing with it rather than following someone else's program can begin to happen ok one last one yes in the back the using it for texting to and to to read messages write messages and being motivated to be able to do it is another thing you know that maybe maybe you know be better than homework often depending on what the get the idea when you turn it off how do you reconnect with the world instead of being connected with that kind of what you're talking about and why would people people were laughing about it is that something other people knew just what he was talking that no no one else knew what you were talking about ok well they will by the end of this talk don't worry but that idea that when you're connected to someone else's program and then suddenly it's that and you have this that sap and the pace and the fall of what you know and suddenly you have to take charge again in sweat where there's not that constant feedback and you have to go with the pace of real life it can be very difficult and it can be and for some children especially that depending on their relationship with screens and what proportion of their lives involvement can be a real issue yes say well cheli gets to do what well you know sarah gets to do it well in a cell that suddenly you're the bad guy but every other parent is good those kinds of issues become a you know that becomes an issue and  then sneakiness and figuring out ways you know kids who go to bed with it under the cover you know if there was some kind of device under their covers said whenever seen that happen ok so you don't think i'm crazy to say that i may say things where you think going when there so many things going on and how do you deal with that the other issue was dealing with social media on less of an expert at that because that is kids get older but i think some of the things i talk about tonight will leave very well into thinking about it anybody else thinks you hope your lunch that back here limits i mean i i have a grown son but it has already become an issue where there are a couple children who didn't want to come to the house and you know how do we problem solver around math and figure out what we can do or there was a show that everyone  see it and how did we have just one child a son and had a good deal with that and i may share one of the ways we dealt with that which you may not be happy about but i'm not aiming we're not aiming for perfection tonight we're learning w helping our children be able to live in this world as hall competent capable ethical people ok to say no ok anybody else yes you know what's going on with their peers and how do we help them not feel as if somehow we're kind of oddball parents you know where that will stand out stand alone parents in the midst of what other parents are doing and i mean the fact that the community is doing this tonight is a good start for them that you know i don't know how many of you see other parents you know parents of your kids friends it would have been great we should have thought of promoting it you know bring your you know come as groups of parents who have kids about most of this ok so let's get going on it and we'll stop again as we go along but first the depressing part comes first so the first half of my talk is really talking about the problems you know what's going on and how is it affecting children because i feel the more we end dept we understand that the better we are in thinking about what kinds of solutions can we come up with so there are more and more screens everywhere that we know so that even if you feel like you're doing a good job which very many parents don't in your house thank you  many places you go out of the house you go to a friend's house to go to a relative's house etc i got a message from a mother recently you saying she didn't know what to do about letting her daughter go to her grandparents self because her daughter always wanted to go there because the grandmother said oh your mother you know just doesn't understand i'll let you watch what you want to watch here but you know just there screen screens everywhere and i hope you'll share your stories with me too because that's how i keep learning since i don't have a child anymore but i'll tell you how to do that at the end but there are just screens everywhere so saying no screens you know that that's not really how we need to think about it we need to think about how do we help children live in this world that's what we're going to be talking about for research finds more and more time is spent with screens in more and more places that younger and younger ages i'm not going to spend a huge amount of time  research but that's clear there's more access to more kinds of screens so and they are as exposure to more and more inappropriate content and you know from a child that six coming home telling his parents describing what he saw to friends as an attorney out to be pornography and we know that i haven't seen recent figures but we know that lots and lots of children especially boys are seeing pornography on the internet at quite young ages ok and if not pornography in the totally overt form various places along the continuum getting to a point of and they know that's not what they talk to us about ok so screens affect things like language acquisition this is just summarizing some of the research including less language use and vocabulary that the more time kids spend with screens the less they're talking the less they're interacting and hearing language isn't the same as interacting with language getting feed that you say something someone responds to you say it back things happen as a result that kind of interaction is what's needed social behavior including rising levels of aggression bullying in teasing is happening and we're hearing about that more and more as kids get a little older now the amount of it you know on line bullying in teasing that's going on really serious consequences happening more and more but at many levels kids doing that where they're not thinking about the impact because they're not getting the immediate feedback of how they act and how other you know that it's more slides rather than movies that they're getting in terms of how interaction works i do this you do that on screen so you're not getting the full range of feedback that you get when you're with the person and you do something you see what happens  physical development is impaired and rise in levels of obesity that contributes to sleep disturbances they're more there's rising levels of sleep to services and there's a correlation with screen use and what kids are seeing that's affecting activity activity into actual choices how children want to spend their time when they're little what kind of toys they want what are the popular toys most of the popular toys are tied to the media and i'll talk about that more age compression that he won't have any idea what that means it means that children are doing what older kids use to do what younger ages so sexual behavior is beginning at younger ages than the most obvious you know that's one of the more obvious ones but all kinds of things and other kinds of clothes girls want to wear the times out of the ways kids treat each other in terms of the kind of harassment and and who is your best friend in things like that those kinds of behaviors are happening younger ages more consumerism and i'll talk about that more by by as the source of happiness getting the right thing is the source of happiness rather than doing and getting it and then quickly looking on the box for the next thing you want rather than being you know really getting into what you have and i'll talk about that more to how children play when screens are in the background even there's research that's been done that if the television is on very young children play differently even if they're not watching just the noise and that that background level of stimulation changes how they play i just chose some random things here to give you a sense of the range of ways we know that screens affect children and so much more so let's think about it here's a baby involved with the story and it's happening at these kinds of young ages right from the start pushing buttons exciting effects you learn whatever you do something happens and you want to do more and more and see what happens and it's exciting and then someone told me recently bayswater baby not much older than this there was a magazine in the baby started pushing the pictures someone's nodding their head so they know i'm not crazy they'll be many times they were niger headed if i say something crazy but you know i'm right so other people know i'm not crazy but there's this you know you push the buttons of on the pictures and nothing happens and they quickly lose interest in of their use the things happening and they develop a sense of how the world works from their experience so when they have an experience like this one that's what they're going to think this is what happens and what you do take over of traditional toys is this a toy here you put your i phone into this rattle now you i would worry if you give this to a baby and the baby hauls and start shaking it how many babies are going to clunk their head and get a complete get a concussion it's a pretty big heavy thing  and so but a rattle used to be you know one of the first wife a baby had i can remember with my son when he was little i had small my old baby toys and he had this little white rattle that didn't he listened and this the noise stopped and he shook it he didn't know what where the noise was coming from really was just moving his hand as he was changing his as he was kind of lying and he did again and he hit his head and he started to cry and i thought oh no i'm a bad mother i'm trying to push him to film to play with a rattle and so i put the rattle away and about two months later when he was much more into i he and control and to pay attention to what was going on i gave it to him again and he shook it and he looked at it he shook and he looked at it and then he started tapping his head and i thought my goodness he really was traumatized he does remember that experience  liabilities when you know a lot as a mother of a baby we know a lot about child adult but i thought it was amazing how he remembered it and he loved that rattle after that he used it was a simple little thing but the use of a lot and then i thought what happens when the baby hits the ok but you know how is that not a toy most babies aren't going to play with that much they're going to stop pushing the button but they can you know parents think of all an electronic  then there's all these toys you know parents babies and screens together you know the vinci promises to make babies smart what parent doesn't want their baby smart so you get it and it makes your baby curious they're different levels is exciting so it's following someone else's program why does it matter screens the fact what children were more that we're going to talk about why it matters in two ways we're going to talk about content issues what you know what content your children learning but then we're also going to talk about their experience you know content and process issues the whole way they interact with the world so let's think first about content issue they're learning about traditional toys now come instead of being able to play with plato my favorite play material i teach the play courses that we walk i happen to one of my look at all the different the good and bad ways of playing with play there what cetera and how what a central material it is for children's development or candy and now you get it in what you do you get the kit and you can make star use the malls and make the star wars figures and now here you are with that three and up for star wars does anyone know what the rating is for star of the star wars what's the braiding of the movie g thirteen does anyone know how the the only on the back it'll say not suitable for children under age eighteen months because of small parts that's agreed to by the industry with the federal trade commission but the age rating on the front for what that other than matt they can put whatever they want and they put whatever they think they can get away with ok nobody knows that it's never written about it's never talked about that surprise anybody it's not there because of what's necessarily appropriate there's more in your kids into wanting to see the star war movie a p g thirteen movie when there are three kids but now it's media wing kits it's not just kits so there's this content that have taught so when you have a toy you follow the directions you try to imitate what you saw on the movie itself it's remote so i remote controlled live call their remote control toys that tell you how to play and what to play but it's also based on what i showed you remote control gender roles why do i say that because i need to get the the le girls that's the pink and blue one disney princesses and the room and the toys for boys that are more tough and macho and ready to fight yes and so that there's all kinds of messages about gender roles that are in the media and popular culture and toys that are when to it sell so sexy so soon for girls so violence for boys and these are things for ages three and four like marvel again is you know not that the media is not rated for three and four year olds but then it's morning noon and night they're products to get up in the morning to go to bed to go to school and then you get your lunch box and you're all excited you get to go to school with your with your you know once box i heard from other not that long ago that her daughter was in kindergarten and she went to school with her lunchbox which she was quite satisfied with and she was in a way to sit at the table with the disney princess lunch boxes and her daughter came home all upset pleading for a disney princess lunchbox and you know the teacher went to school when the teacher tried to parent went to school and talked to the teacher and tried to deal with it but there's this kind of peer culture that gets created to that the parent who says haven't if you had that experience we've said no to something but then other kids had it and you felt like how my going to deal with it so it's not just a matter of everyone says well if the parents just said no there wouldn't be a problem w were there often is a problem it's not a matter of just saying no ok so so anyway you know disney princesses getting them focused on their hair you know so you do it  now everyone thinks of sesame street being so wonderful we're here barbie wears a fashionable skirt high boots and a stylish elmo a graphic print t v and carries a cue purse now everyone thinks of sesame street being so wonderful but says a mystery you know p b s but it became a huge marketing and so many of the things we trust gradually become marketing to children and it started just simply and then it became more and more into the popular culture and what was for kids for ages three and up and then i want to point out and you saw how that  on you know think about the skirt she's wearing that's not a skirt that seems that appropriate for three year olds to be thinking of as what they're dolls what's fashionable for their dolls but then we have girls and boys you can't if you buy the pink rattle for your girl when you have a boy then you need to get the blue one that's not by chance so we have room you know gender divide a remote control rattles and then fisher price will laugh and learn this from our stage is purse you know it comes with all kinds of electronic stuff on it so not only you're supposed to get a pink purse but there's all this electronic stuff on to make it be fun there push buttons on the purse for music and and it will make your baby smart it can teach your baby at your child the alphabet starting at a year old and then children's books are more and more electronic children's books so that regular books make kids bored but regular books for kids want to figure it out they want to tell the stories that's the best foundation when as they spend more time more and more time with screens they're less involved with children's books but then they get involved with children's books and they just pull them into screens to so that's age compression which is making parenting harder because kids are wanting to do things that are less appropriate it makes it harder for you to bring into your kids lives the things that are most appropriate and helping them develop the foundations they need for the most optimal development as they get older and i call it premature adolescent rebellion for younger and younger ages kids are getting me in adolescence always went through that separation rebellion process where they wanted to be on their own but now they have their adolescent rebellion zone at younger ages and research has shown less that they start separate often start separating from their parents at younger ages so pressure on parents can contribute to remote controlled play in teaching so especially on families so they're telling her you better buy this toy to make your kid smart so we have an app and alphabet apple you know we're all biased towards apples right eight learning activities teach letters and spelling and cetera marketers dictate more and more had to make babies and young children smart using technology and you're worried if you don't get your kids technology will your kid be at a disadvantage senate has anyone ever worried that thank you for those of you who are nodding in so that so then it then it affects how children learn process issues child control verses remote control morning i want to talk about  right so now we've gotten reached a new stage where children have learned they can just talk until your phone to get the answer to whatever quite you know half the questions they have and so they don't even have to type it any more and so that gets them even more removed from machine they don't even need to talk to you anymore to find anything out ok yeah that's another issue but let's think a little bit about the learning process just to think about what we want to aim for think about this baby the baby's and she starts sucking on her tongue and she sucks on it and the next time she's upset she manages to get her tone of mouth again and she sucks on it and as it's fair she starts stealing fast and a tickles and she starts laughing and so then she starts way effingham when she's upset to get a tone or mouth and suck on affairs and start laughing and the mother felt like it was magic and then suddenly she starts chewing on it and it's too hard and it hurts and she starts crying so she's learning about all this cause and effect and she's learning how to play with their tao and so she starts doing it fast and then she starts chewing on two toes and she starts trying to get the other foot in her mouth and she's kind of has become her favorite plaything for a little period in her life now she's creating her own play program she's learning how to play had to be in charge no other babies play with their talk quite the way she has or learns of comfort all children  should have opportunities not to chew on their toe but steve elop that kind of starting at very young age is itself comforting now imagine here's a baby instead who's crying and they have a primary caretaker who comes and picks up the baby and the baby knows what it feels like for that particular person to hold that baby everyone's going to hold the baby a little bit differently and that particular person goes like this and the baby gets used to that bouncing and loves the bouncing and some other baby likes it like this but the baby that's how that's how attachment starts forming that's the beginning of connected relationships and when the baby feels that the baby starts being comforted and that's and then they start playing with it you know going faster and slower and it kind of becomes a game to that this kind of notion of things that are important to babies that they discover some interesting thing that first it's not always play at the beginning but important things they learn they often play with and that's one of the major functions of play and it contributes to development and learning and in the course of that they may discover something new they may learn when the persons holding love they start going like this the personal start bouncing again that's one of maybe one of the first  they start talking to that person to get them to do what they want they start learning about talking and cause and effect so they're creating their own social interaction program together attachment but instead imagine the babies crying and instead you get this special toy in the crib and you push a button from rope control and it starts gurgling and making music and doing things and the baby is a passive recipient of the program and has no rol and just stops and starts watching and listening to the music and watching the bubbles go when the things move or the child has some twat where they push the buttons and it starts doing things on its own i'm just going to go faster now  play where children are not learning the power of solving finding problem solving problems using what they solve coming up with new problems figuring them out and  learning the the whole excitement of being an active learner which is at the heart of being good in school being good at what being good at life so that's why play is so important and that's where screens can undermin itself not that long ago i saw a little boy and his father playing with ninja i this is on the ferry boat going from new london to the end of long island which i've done for years because i grew up at the end of long island new york and when i first started living in boston and taking this area i saw kids running all over the boat and what looking at the other boats and being really interested and now ninety nine percent of the children i see have screens the whole hour and a half they're on the boat and so i kind of symbolizes for me where we were where we are and here i saw a little boy playing with the father and i was all excited and then i saw what they were playing they had these ninja turtles if the listening to turtle movie came out and they put them on the and then they set them all up again and they did this for about fifteen minutes at least they did at least three or four of these little fed ups and then they put them away and to me in a first i was excited that i saw father and so plan together but then i saw what's imitation wasn't play was just as rote repetitive it didn't evolve and change the little boy didn't suddenly take the turtle and do something else with there and come up with a new idea there were no ideas there but it was remote control because watching screams and then getting toys to say you imitate what you saw on the screen which is the cry to have them what do you do so i would then not long afterwards saw a child getting for the first time his kids were entering preschool and i was there and the teacher put out played out the kid poked it scratched his head and said what does it do he poked at by pushing a i mean this was an extreme but it really concerned me what does it do just like babies pushing the magazine ok so undermine play i'm learning so remote control learners say they're bored or why i would argue their benefits to board or have a hard time becoming deeply engaged and say they're bored have a hard time becoming deeply engaged in creative play and structured open ended and have a hard time playing what developing skills to play cooperatively with others without being aggressive and ask for and are happy with screens and i've come to call what i'm describing here p s d d problem solving deficit disorder this is my turn to capture a lot of it that way to be a good player you should find interesting problems play with those problems figure out how to solve those problems and have the excitement of mastering those you know that kind of problem solving is a set you know is really important for learning so kids with who have p s t they don't say i can do it so it's takes it's very hard to say you know it makes it hard to just turn off the screen when they're not used to coming up with their interesting problems to play with so here are children that could do it this was when i happened to be in south korea and it was the autumn and we were waiting to get in somewhere and this bus came up with children who are about second or third graders i would say and they were the teacher let him get off the bus and i believe came down from the tree and i saw a child look at it and managed to catch it and look at it and then he took his coat off and he threw it up in the air and more leaves came down and he caught it in a couple other kids for it to catch them and then other kids started taking their coats of they all started trying to get leaves to come down and the teacher walk them and then there was a little girl sitting at the bottom right they started bringing the leaves to her and she started counting them i think it seem like she was counting them but the idea they created this unique game they were happy i didn't see the teacher have to say no to anybody that they just were able to play good players find ways to work on the things they need to in amazing ways using their play for therapy here was a child here were children after nine eleven where they started building enclosures with with the building with the blocks and crashing it down and then kids were pretending they were dead now this isn't what the teacher wanted to happen in her room she suddenly won over to see what was going on and this is what she found but these kids she had a classroom that i had visited before because i wanted to see kids who kids could play who are really good players and these were really good players and then this is what she shared with me was going on with the children she could then talk to them about it and knew she needed to and talk to the parents about it till but these kids knew had to take the blocks enclosures figure out who should get inside these were just three and four year olds it's vital for their south of the social development their mo they were using their intellectual skills to work on emotional and social skills to work on something that seemed kind of scary and then they could all be alive again and make the building again and that's kind of how kids use things that aren't necessarily that overwhelming for therapy you know therapeutically socially intellectually so kids don't think that way don't do so they use their play and you know when they see things on screens they don't make the meanings we do but when we tell from and when we tell them things about you know they see things on screens we say no it's not really like that or you shouldn't do it this is one of my favorite examples that a teacher a teacher and a kindergarten there's a little girl walking around not knowing what to do and the teacher  why don't you go to the art area the art table over there there's room there with the two boys or he said no no no my dad said i can't have any boyfriends dilemma teenager now you know the child had made her own meaning of it but that's how little kids think they think about one thing at a time they think about this one way i find it most telford think about it slides versus movies they think about this frame boys at table go sit with them to be friends that when my father talked to me i didn't think about what that means at this age and in the meantime i play with them and i can do this and i can do that so she took it not every child will make the same meaning but kids don't have the same logic we do similarly when they see things on screen they often don't make the same meanings when the kids were building the enclosure about nine eleven that was very unusual i heard of many more other kids and other settings who were really scared they thought i heard of many kids in boston when they had a parent who was going to fly after that or someone else they were sure they were going to crash because they know that there were planes in boston that got korea by big guys and they they formed their ideas from the one salient thing they hear and that's what they remember so we really do need to you know think about what meanings are making but we can assume every child's to make exactly the same meaning either  children learn by doing and making their own movies through their direct experience in their play like those kids were with the nine eleven building now the teach why say no no you can't do that in the once but she also knew that that would make it even worse for them she wished they didn't know about it but they did and some kids thought it was a game and some kids thought it was ok but play is vital for them to make movies and when kids are making movies a piece of their development is really struggling so screens can replace hands on experience just like kids need blocks to be able to think about how the two things go together three things fo things had all these things make one whole they think about one thing at a time when they put them together to see how well those one things make a big thing and that's one reason why blogs for sell powerful have that they control all those one things to make them be a different thing they making is like making and i think the slides vs movies each thing they do was like a slide but at the end they say they have a movie and what if you do it on a on a  computer playing with blocks you're not get a feeling what it feels like see the scale of their getting to have your body have the sensory motor or ration shipped to work so using play to make meaningful movies is much harder when children and when children are dependent on streams following someone else's program remote control learners to some so then she will be surprised when we tell farm to go outside and they don't want to in my play course at wheelock i guess the students to interview someone over age fifty about their play when they were young and then compare with the play of children they know of and they're always amazed you know how every one of the over fifty's was outside on their own without a doubt supervision and their neighbor whether it's a city whether it's a rich neighborhood a poor neighbor they're outside playing so today and i'm almost done with this for the u s response through remote control childhood the education system often with remote control teacher when we tell kids to play in kindergarten they often don't know how to play so instead of helping them learn how to play we start making them sit down and giving them things so they can be remote controlled with their learning i'm not going to go into this a lot because of time but i'll tell you some you know places afterwards where you can find some information but kids you know often i think we've got back to basics movement because kids don't know how to play anymore so when we say play they say hi war so they just want scream zefi say sit down and do this work she does a way to keep them busy so i get remote control relationships where kids have kids who are more mean and doing there's more on line we miss but all for one person call it comparison deficit disorder and i'm just going fast now to get to the other stuff we have zero tolerance discipline policies in the world when kids are bad we suspend them but they're bad and carcass when they have that learned the kind of normal social skills that there's supposed to learn because of screens because of what i've been talking about so as children get older and issues what they're interested in what they've learned about relationships all the things i've been talking about just get amplified gender roles you know how you're supposed to walk who's the popular ones and quarter determined by what they've learned about interests and then you know there's the content and then the process issues streams become how they interact with each other more and more less learning how to have give and take behavior and it just continues that and you and family time as you know we talked about at the beginning becomes more and more most relevant most important yes here so going on a major trip and the kids finding a way to since it's a go and away from the adults and have a screen and a movie to watch right you know the hear hear you wore the big opportunity and that's when they're happy and that's create the creativity seems to be gone the ideas seem to be gone that that that the screens so it's kind of remote controlled thinking behavior it's hard for the creativity when you turn off the screen it's very hard to reconnect to the world anybody else so that the power of disney and and you know the critic campaigns disney has in the models so is there anything i said that you think is crazy now no one thinks i'm crazy yeah a right so that idea that many parents find certain things they can do that work until some new developmental shift happens so that this works this works but suddenly that happens my my example of that when my son was young we didn't we did not go see movies when he was in kindergarten that was ok when he was in first grade or second grade the first ninja turtle movie came out and we were going to see it but he when he went back to school after the first weekend on monday every other boy in his class had seen it and seven he said mom i've got to see it i gotta see it i've got to see it i said so ok he's in and i said ok well then we'll have to go see it and that's what i want to talk about it's not like when one our kids to be in a different world we deal with the problems that we need to deal with one when it becomes worse to say no than saying yes so i often with think about it so we said ok well then we need to ask you know joey because he's that ninja turtle expert in my class and i want him to come with us and that i really didn't want that but i said so tell me more how come it wasn't oh i don't want to just go with us will go together so we as jolie job was role to go again we go to pick up our way to go to the movies he was thrilled to go again and he has a shopping bag full of all the toys who was there watching the movie they can act everything out so then do i say joey we're not taking you or jelly we're leaving all the toys we took and we were acting everything out in the car and then after as i said joey let's go home to our house afterwards and we can do other things to act out and acted out and i got out the pla e and i got out other things that we really could create a whole world for the turtles and do lots of things and use the kind of creative play i was hoping my son could bring into with the cyclists the karate chopping that happened on the playground at school but that you know that was one of my you know my my mother moments my other professor moments where it was clear it was time for things so it's not like there's a way to raise kids in another world it's have to we help kids be good players in that the better players they are in this world the better they are that we are talking to them about the content and i say no it's bad by finding out how they think and this is what we're going to get to now the the better we're going to be helping the be responsible franking competent people in the world so i'm not saying just say no the way we often hear you know that no matter how much we say no so then they'll just do it somewhere else and the more we can stay connected the better so is there anything else i want to say before i start talking really fit yes one talk to the parents and one what with my child and we talked about it when i talk to the parent the parents and well if you don't like it your child just cannot play with my child anymore that's up to you right so you know pat how do you deal with when a child goes to another house seat when bad things are happening the just band and what do you do well talk about that a little bit i help with we will try to get to that  o let me go what i would like to say is when i talk about the educational response schools response often being a big problem we've often responded to remote control childhood with for more control teaching and testing you know kids are used to now kind of getting toys the tell them exactly what to do watching screens that are very rigid and tell them what to do following someone else's program when they're playing computer games and then they go to school and make it more programs schools are reading more technology ok so we need to think about how do we in all aspects of their lives think about remote control program and instruction and deal with that but when we think about with younger kids had we get beyond the just say no one for each big so that they're not to say think it's sneaking sneaking at other houses feeling completely isolated being a we made from you more and more how do we deal with that so don't put all the blame or cure on parents you know a lot of people that was parents fault if they just said no it wouldn't be a problem that's not true we have a real clash of cultures we have on the one hand what the in popular culture are doing well the lessons we've been talking about and messages all their goals to get your money and more your kids in and seduce them away from you and then we have all the things that you want for your kids in the values you know that are important and then there's this to you know this kind of wall between them and the pop culture boxes getting bigger and bigger in your box is getting smaller and smaller or that's what they're trying to do so what we need to do is work to connect the boxes in other words we can to say now go away we need to know about what's in the pop culture even if we don't why don't want to we need to think about how can we connect with our kids around like one i ended up going to them that ninja turtle movie so that i knew about it my son to talk about it i didn't make him feel guilty because we were going i didn't say i think that's the worst movie for children i've ever seen i tried to keep that away from him but that idea of connecting so that we are with our children as they're growing up so that as things enter their lives from the media and popular culture that we think are not what's good for them is not what we want for them we can be influencing as as well as those other things and it's not just these two boxes that are in totally different places because it makes of communication so one father tell me as a little boy came home and said when he was in third grade i came home and saw something in there was how's i think you're going to be man and he said what and he described pornography but the fact he told his father i thought was so amazing and he said i didn't know what to do i i don't think i really wanted to see it but i didn't know what i could do and that's what that the father didn't know what to do so we talked about that well what could you have done when that happened said he and the wife that night talked about how they could talk to the son about pornography after that they didn't have a whole discussion at that time about pornography but staying connected having given take conversations you know what it is talking about the ninja turtle movie or eventually about the pornography once you've thought it through a little bit where so what if you think when you saw that and what could you have you didn't get it i didn't i didn't want to see it what could you have told you know joe way when you saw it when he wanted to show it and so far i couldn't say anything because he really wanted to see it and i couldn't say no one would let me come play anymore well you know how come you think you want to go over there anymore and what maybe you should come here and play what you know so having those conversations to help them become a give and takes of the child doesn't feel like they can't tell you because you said ok that's it you never can go to joey's house anymore that's what you want to say open ended questions you know the interview approach so what did you say to him when you saw will he have any ideas about other things could have said something like this you know where you're doing it in ways where they don't to see you as the dictator they feel safe ok take your read about what to say from what the child says or a parent when you're talking to them so you don't try to just spill out the whole agenda in one conversation and i ongoing process you have so this is during your conversations with your child or with other adults grandparents you know with the one on one mother told me about i'm a grandmother who kept coming with all kinds of disney princess set for the daughter she wouldn't the mother wouldn't buy anything so the grandmother saw if she brought it she realized how much the granddaughter loved her was a great way to become you know this hugely popular person and the mother wanted help think about how to talk to the grandmother because after you know where the grandmother would still talk to the mother the mother alone would still talk to the mother she didn't like her that much anyway to begin with ok parents can help children develop screen  rules and routines you know so here's the rule should get two hours a night not talk about that in a minute you know make good choices you know there are these three things you can choose from you know you have can only choose to a because that's how much time you have how you can how can we figure out how you're going to choose but i really really want to watch all three maybe one night you could watch all three in one night you take extra time without them around the weekends then you don't watch now so you're helping them begin to learn had a problem solver mark things out and get a balance you think about what when and where and how much you know you work on all of those issues you know which shows are your most important to you although maybe you need to give up this one amount because you really really like those you know or when can you watch you know i really really like to have a chance to do this with you or do that with or we really like to do that together so let's try to have you do it at another time when i when we know i'm not going to be able to do that with you how can we help children learn had a self regulate  you know on them what are good media choices help children develop rules and routines you know whenever when you come home from school all that's a time when you're kind of tired that's a good time to do you know to watch your favorite show before you do your homework you know help kids figure out rituals or martin so every day it's not starting over so that you know you have your fights or your disagreements or your stressors you work it out so every day we're stressing when it's dinner time because you want to see you chelle when we can eat together and what can we do to work it out so that we can have that special dinner time we've always had and so that then they say well what about if we eat a little later for we can't do this and this that we usually do after dinner you know how can you work that out make good choices you know help them learn how to make choices so here was a teacher who helped children think about today in school we talked about t v rules you know kids share what kind of rules they had at home about screens this was i think first graders or kindergart i think we should have some t v rules in our house and then they came up no violence or no watching t v on sunny days or two shows a day are there a magic school you know that so then went home with it or here was it a child who came up with rules the parents felt like the child was completely of a volved and you know skin playing video games so rules for nintendo the parents said we have a problem we don't do this anymore we need to come up with rules and they worked on it a lot but eventually they came up with this and kept it kept evolving and this was the final product after a while my nintendo playing time counts of screen time because he would say well i didn't intend to but now i can do this because i've said to my you know hours and i can't get a really violent games because there was fighting about games but then the child said mostly i get games that aren't fighting you know this was more like a fourth a third or fourth grade or a surge later who really was better at a kind of thinking about the subtleties i can only play one hour a day if i do more it gets put away for a week i can play more than four hours a week if i if i play more and gets put away for a week i have to stop when you call me if i don't stop and five minutes a gets put away for a week so that's i was thinking about the punishments i can only get new games for my birthday high myka at grandma's and one other time if i nag for a new game it gets put away for a week i w begin to worry that this i will begin to be very happy that this child will never get to play again i can't play when a friend comes over unless there's a new game you can see how us kids get older they can begin to think of multiple factors which is important to really little kids wouldn't do that but then they'd suddenly from a come over that they know the rules are not fair but now this child can think ahead we need to have time for family play at least three times a week if we don't then i have to decide one nintendo time to give up so he's thinking of his punishments if anyone thinks the rule isn't working we can talk about ways to change it and the parents said they came up with this rule because they figured it was going to be put away for a week of time and they wanted to kind of find a way to get the rules to work ok help families and and children learn to solve their media conflicts peaceful  i'm not going to go through this whole thing but just an example of this how the father started the conversation we have a problem meg we've had a lot of screen time today you woke up watching sesame street then mr rogers and went to school or when you got home you watch power rangers and then dinner now you're playing on the computer it's bedtime this is the first day when you and i haven't played i really miss that it's just too much screen time we have to figure out something to do so there's time for all the things we like to do at home and that idea of meg i have to see power rangers that's my favorite now that's a perfect example of a choice the fathers framing it really well you know not producing putting it into a way that really gives them a problem to solve together but she's really worried about the one thing she thinks about at this you know power rangers so but the issue of ok well then we need to figure out a way to solve the problem so we get to play together and you get to see power rangers what can we do for that another thing to think about is what i call the safety were you know we need to feel safe on safety or if you're doing video if kids are involved violent things that don't feel safe you know when you watch that when you play it when you get that toy it doesn't feel safe and we need to figure out now you know when you and joe you're playing that game together feels like you know or when you're texting and you know i see the some things that are going on it doesn't feel safe it feels like it's you're being mean to each other kids can get her you know we've always had a rule where when things can get hurt we need to talk about it and figure out a way to solve the problem some no one gets her you know starting when kids are young and then as they get older it's a really useful way to deal with that i know i said i started doing this when my son was young when he was high school and started doing lots of risk taking behavior we went back to the safety room i hadn't used it for a while but suddenly i said you may say this was for little kids but you did this this and this it didn't feel safe we need to talk about the safety rule and think about what it means when you're fifteen because you don't seem to be thinking about it and your dad and i are and we need to figure out what to do but that safety rule can be very powerful you know for little kids it's my body is safe so when they start to in karate chops and imitating what they saw on the screen when they start  my feelings are safe and they start to a mean spirited things that's been they've been socialized into my thoughts ideas and words are safe i can say what i think so your child can say to you but i really love it when they're hurting each other that's what i really like to watch and you know all the kids at school talk about it and and i really want to see it they need to feel safe to say that you can't just tell them no we can't talk about such things that's not in the same way with sex that comes up you know like the little boy who said i saw something at joey's house that's going to make you mad you know that some tell me on pledge you told me we need to talk about it and what it is say and what can we do and had it you feel won so let's talk about what was happening on the screen and why it was happening and do you want to go to joe 's anymore and what should we do ok so i'm not going to go through the conflict resolution process but i'm going to go i'm going to do the same ask us if i touch anything else is going to get was so the only way to talk to them about content issues we need to let them feel safe as i said talking to us but here's an example of a kindergartener who made this every day he had to make a picture and then write some letters the teacher said tell me about your picture this is from a while ago but he said it's a professional wrestling girl with big boobies and the teacher said how did you hear about professional wrestling girls she didn't say no put it in your cubby we don't have them at school which is what she wanted to do she told me and he said i thought last night with my big brother it's a secret he was babysitting so you know our families still have their issues and so she was glad that she didn't have them put away and she talked himself sounds like there were things there that you hadn't seen before he said yeah he started talking about it and she thought about should if she tell the parent but kids needed an adult they can talk to about things a where they feel safe they need an older person where they can do and maybe you can't solve it all the kids are being exposed to things and if they're not this kid trusted this teacher ok so that's really important similarly when the kids here were acting out nine eleven what the teacher did she didn't say no we can't do that here that scary we don't play violent things at school she saw realize what they were doing she went to got a doctor's bag said i'm the doctor i'm going to help people  be better you know because when you're five you don't realize death is permanent anyway and that wasn't what the you know that for all the of the boy who was pretending he was dead is now the doctor helping other people too so that it's helping kids you know being with kids connecting with them for whatever comes up is even if you don't know the right thing to say that they feel safe telling you so playing with what so screen violence and entertainment violence you know that similar you know when they see in water they always have to pretend they're hurting each other you know my son finally said to me all mom it's just television just let them but it still is better yeah but why is that so exciting why did they always want to do it and as we got a little older still then we could talk about it more of being able to do that so then there's the practice issue of helping counteract remote control childhood and problem solving disorder you know would we talk about the content but how do we help children become good players the better you know i talk about how they just are imitating screens are not as involved was get them to imitate the more we can help them be good players find interesting problem try to figure out how that funny squiggle be works and why it works that way the better they're going to be at dealing with media and dealing with technology and having developing other interests as well so they're going to be you know being proud finding interesting problems to work on dealing with problem solving you know suddenly how can i make that tower taller or how can i you know even with live with women sometimes it may be with something on a screen but it's less it's the more other things that can be the better problem solvers the strategies things we can do to help them we can observe them to learn more about what they're doing the more we know about what they're doing the the more we'll be able to think of things we may be able to do to suddenly help them to ask a question create opportunities in time for play you know cells that it may be you know i've noticed you know we always are using screens we're all very busy but we're going to have this twenty minutes before bedtime we're going to come up with their things to do let's with three things we like to do together and let's start with them help children find meaningful content to bring to their play you know fine things you know some book that you think the real content they think will really interest them and learn about it or go somewhere do some little field trip the thing will be interesting a thing something they're working on in school and think about some way to help them bring it to their play  take an interest in and talk about their play even if they're being ninja turtles or whatever they're being so tell me why did how come they were doing that what was going on they are how could what else could they do besides fight so so maybe after they fought we can have a hospital that we can go help them get better you know how can we they're not that they can't fight but what can we do they all look like they're hurt so bad i want to help them get better what can we do choose to i simply materials carefully you know they may it may be their birthday and their first thing they most want to something that you think is awful but maybe get them to present one awful thing and one good thing again organize toys in an appealing an orderly way and maybe sell the things you think are the as i said when we always play after dinner and during dinner we always talk about what we're going to play and so you know what do you do in school today and play will last for next month get what can we use to play that work you know for older kids you know let's think about you know what what is what were you writing about in school today and you know talking about it that way but here's what the teacher did with the play dough poking with the kids didn't know what to do she said i made a ball and the child who was poking it saying what does it do said i made a ball and another that i made a big boy when they started lining them up the same became the bet one of the best math lessons she had she said and then the boy who didn't know what to do with it took the three big balls and said i made me ball and was so excited about that developmentally that's for kids should be with play doh you know already in one time with the played out he really was getting involved with what you could do with it and representing symbolizing not just motion ok here's a little boy who came in one day his kindergarten class or pre k class that i am a robot and the teacher said it's time to go to reading robots don't read time to do the robots don't do math robots don't to work sheets and this was a boy who hadn't been very engaged in the scene like the most engaged in anything he had been all year and she finally  said i'll show you what she did she finally got it this building material and she said this is a robot paintbrush he put a paintbrush in it and kind of gave a damn with him started painting and he started painting and then he said  he said sell the robot cook and got a spoon and he's a yes robots cook and suddenly other kids started getting interested the whole class started being robot and they all started she ended up doing a robot human and they started writing stories about robots reading stories about robots and it was the most engaged this child had ever been and he had the watching movies about him and he was very media engaged and he was imitating some movie he'd seen on the screen where there was a robot and you know that was very programmed so the idea is picking up on a child's interest and in the children's interests and helping develop them can be very good i'm i'm finding resources out there were out there there probably aren't any left but this is an organization i founded to help teachers and parents deal with media good and bad toys good and bad media called teachers resisting unhealthy children's entertainment where now for twenty years all it educators who meet in my dining room once a month and we develop these materials that are online you can use them any way you want using media choosing toys encouraging play this is one of our latest family play plans ideas for how families can play together to get them and this is from all the age parenting you know from all the age children things you can do some are for winter spring to play dealing with here is a third grade teacher who dealt with the lessons of marketing tell me about a toy or food you bought and with the use of an advertisement on t v and when you bought it it didn't do what it was supposed to stuff that i got the g i joe aircraft carrier an aircraft carrier and it stinks on the commercial of health eighteen jets and the superstructure had twenty one low and realize that holds true jensen the superstructure has n lying why did they have to lie so much why couldn't they lie only a little why couldn't they make it a little more realistic instead of a stupid piece of junk with holes in the bottom the teacher said this was the best this was done in about january or february it was the best writing he'd done all year so when kids are engaged when we deal with this kind of issues with kids they often really do you know want to read  enter grade appropriate basic skills into their play help children make picture about you know their play make stories you know so instead of them just going from imitating they're doing a lot of imitation then rightists help them write a story about it make pictures about it so it expands from just being the imitation you know get books that can expand here's a little girl just you know helping them develop interests in their own ways you know she started being interested in making stars of their minds and suddenly she still missiles labrat things it's totally unique using children's books to promote play here's a again my truth is this is one of the most recent things through s to help his parents that want their kids to be involved in reading these books you know it's a way to encourage play and get them away from strange you use the books instead of the screens to promote away this book on the it's on the truth website can help going fast now and so then working to get a healthier media this is my favorite website campaign for a commercial free childhood it's based in boston commercial for child to dot org and it is packed with resources and it does as having a summit it we walk at my college i work with them that some of you may be interested in w some of that really good people are coming to talk about some of these marketing issues and how to deal with them it's really not for or for professionals it's for the public and to really get public ideas out there  and ask me your questions and share your stories with me on why you know email me here's my email address please write it down if you're all in for said because that's how i get my best stories and i do respond case of the closing question one thing you learn tonight that you can use with your children or in your family to more so  yes not just saying no to connect with your child and work with them on it so don't just say no excellent so let me know how it works yes me and it does have all age groups it has sections on different age groups if you have to from age children thank you anyone else something you learned tonight nothing with that you i have something that you can use tomorrow to kind of bring it you know to try to close it down a little bit and a anything broader that you learned that you can't use tomorrow but that was interesting yes so you've developed a lot of the strategy is you don't you don't feel as bad as you thought you would that good or that was a good reason to come ok great ye well the american academy academy of pediatrics recommends no more than two hours a day for children under you know six or seven so that's one guy they say for children under tools they use the same night and they realize that wasn't working anymore they said no more than an hour well that's so that they recommend no more than two hours and they say that but the issue with had to get kids on how to developing rituals for getting on and off developing routines is  when we do it is what we want because what so many people say is it just becomes more and more and more and more and more felt that you're you know so that it's always a struggle when naps so even if it's three hours a day if they know when it is they know when to stop and they know what they're going to do afterwards and that's better than having the two hours  so the idea of you know as they get older they just want to do their own thing and how to do it together and they have tablets and more equipment so yes but i want our i would suggest when your child getting a new piece of equipment you talk about  even before hand you know in the future i know you can't do it now but we're going to get this and let's think about it because remember what happened when we got that and the spread of what having all the struggles what do you want to do with that let's think about when you can deal with how we're not going to lose the time we had for that or what are you going to give up that you have more time for so that if it becomes that kind of process that you plan for ok and anybody else i know we're supposed to right so i mean the rage you know we've been working on kids for a long time so then saying you know i can see you're furious at me so we need to figure out what we can do so we can work it out so you don't feel angry and we can we can find a way that we balls get something we want so you tell me what's most important to you and we'll try to figure out a way for that to work and i'll tell you what's important for me yes wi can see the end of the movie do you have how would you like it how would happily do it so it works that way and they said well we want to see the n f l yeah but there's a half hour left and that means you go to bed a half hour lay still then what is it going to be like tomorrow when it's time to get up remember what happened last time you did it so what can we do what about if you get fifteen minutes now and fifteen minutes tomorrow or you know what's watch and soon as there's a place where we can pause it will say that there tilts you know what i'm saying is let them feel like they're being heard to and what they feel is important you know it's not the best solution is fairly to say are getting less sleep but we're gradually as they get older that kind of negotiation becomes more and more important otherwise they'll just sneak it under their pillow and watch if you go out of the room so helping them learn how to take responsibility becomes important too one last thing anyone wants to say  thank you all for coming