thank belmont savings bank this is the second in our parents series what scheduled to be our third our son has actually no doubt he's scheduled for june this so this is the second meeting that we've had in our parents series belmont savings bank this is the second year that they have sponsored this series for us really amazing that they're providing this resource for us for our community for parents to care about learning more about education and parenting practices  just i want to put in a plug for about one savings bank it's a bank that we use at basic a local bank that really does care about its community is really evidence of that tonight so i'm going to turn this over to any he she is our site director at burbank for our second introduction strategies that works for parenting i also work in schools i'm working in warren's public schools boston cambridge and winchester public school system this also is a lot of management strategies a work is all about building relationships the quality of relationships but also having clarity what the expectations are and so you know i've been a clinical social worker for many years over twenty five years and working with youth for almost thirty years and i stumbled upon this approach actually in my own home when experience of being a parent of a difficult child and i thought i knew what i was doing and then i had this kid and he is nineteen years old right now but when he was two we saw he was a really active kid he was just out of control but it was a terrible twos right and so then  call a professional like but i'm a professional just know somebody who knows what they're doing and i'm like oh you know and she was right she thought he was actually possessed but i knew he wasn't possessed but he was a challenging kid in what we were i was doing you know i got a degree in social a great degree in psychology i study this stuff and nothing was working and actually things were getting worse and so i saw this  angry not cooperative tantrums like yeah this is this is my son quinn i'm not going to name monochrome out there a little bit because he was he put me out there and so what i did was i actually i read the sent me a d v d a six hour d v d and i watched it entire thing and then started using i watched it like three o'clock in the morning when i got it and then started using the strategies the very next morning with my own son who's going to a six and had immediate success and having so much success and with your about the true also so much success i started bringing it into the boys and girls because whereas working in chelsea at the time was also overseeing all the club social works services and i was having success with even most difficult kids in chelsea and the so then i actually won got done trained by a guy howard glasser in arizona and started training there so the boys and girls clubs so ten clubs were using this were serving six thousand kids and incredible success again with even most of the kids i mean i work with some tough kids you know gang kids and domestic abuse domestic violence fifty one a's and again we  one turning kids around we're turning parents around to have more harmony in the home so that's going to do that and talk to you about this approach is what i like to do is talk about it and go through the whole thing and then take questions at the end because often i take questions during they get answered at the latter part of the of the training and i want to get to the whole training and then we have time for questions at the end we've got a handout it's a two sided handout and i used to have like ten pages of handouts and i realized that people don't want that much paper and so i kind of simplified it glasser wrote this book about almost twenty years ago still one of the best selling books on working with kids of a d h d and he was having so much kid success with little children that the schools want to go to train schools and so he's had some success  school he started spreading it around and this is not as much on the east coast as the west coast in the middle but you guys are bringing it here and so again like i said i work in a boston warrants cambridge boston head start and also really reach their highest potential so we're going to cover why conventional models fall short with the more intense kids and we'll talk about three main concepts this approach is built on and then the three strategies again their own unique qualities so intensity then we have an intense child yeah this intensity is an interesting thing and is it is born or is it developed and of course it's both right kids are born with the temperament but how we bring them up how we react to them really really matters some kids are more challenging than others and the traditional methods what they do is they give energy in resources to the problems to what's not working and give all the emotional in the adult problem solving and best attention to what's not working in with the intense child this actually makes things worse because it gives it's like throwing gasoline on a fire end it's a fight or flight and then when we're in this brain because we all have it we're actually always in i q points and it is fight or flight so we got anger irrational at all and actually get things worse that's what i do with my own kid i was trying to correct his behaviors with consequences and the more trying to do it the worse it got and so we're going to try to do is learn how to get kids in their frontal cortex how to get them from their war brain to the frontal brain because that's where the problem solving it is of the creativity is that is where the focus is in the optimism in the higher i q and want to kid is in a war so this model give specific strategies and techniques to give to give relationship and attention to what's working with as little energy as possible so the core concept this approach is built on the first is that our relationship is the most powerful dimension influencing how children learn the kids are hardwired to learn from our back and forth serve in return interactions will go is a little more and the second one is that's the case our relationship is the most powerful images influence our children we get to direct what we want to g to do we can be intentional about how we want to focus our energy attention in interactions and then the third concept is video game principles and the advocating video games where video games are perfectly calibrated to get this is not some warm and fuzzy belief system this is the improved by the m r i technology that we that the brain is no longer a black box that we don't know about is being proved that the positive in focus and detail interactions are the most powerful way kids learn competencies specific skills tasks in even the ability to self regulate and so we're born with one hundred billion brain cells and we don't grow new brain so what happens is when we learn that the synapses are actually connecting together they do experience synopses are connected together and so the brain is actually  whole bunch of series of connections that are going on and i want to child zero five those connections i happen about thousand per second of neural pathways that are being created and so in that video they just talked about the objects in the sounds there's connections that are going together and knowing the objects in the sounds but did you see how the woman had her arm around the child the objects the sounds and actually a feeling a warmth and a feeling of acceptance and just feeling good about the object and sound so that child was having an experience a warm experience of reading and objects and sound all those are aspiring together in  and everything we say sticks my youngest child through he's a good one i'm just kidding you know he they're both good and so everything we say sticks and becomes this self talk so the second core concept so if our relationship is this powerful we get to choose what we give it to and what we tend to do it's in our d n a it's in our brain to kind of solve problems and be reactive and so this is flipping it over and giving our energy in their actions in relationship to what is working and being more proactive instead of reactive and so it's not only what we give our oyster shipped to it's how you're always shipped communication is fifty five percent the facial in the body language thirty eight percent tone and only seven percent of the word with some percent of the actual words kids are reading everything else in the words very little and saw going to schools and also talk to teachers say if you are a person doesn't smile much you got to practice b kids are looking at your kid on alert is it safe in here and so a kid is constantly in their war brain seeing if something's going to happen and actually core concept is the video game principle again not advocating video games but video games are perfectly calibrated to get a kid to level up and the way they do that is like when they press a button there's a media consequence either positive or negative  media feedback right actions in the incentives are strong and predictable and the rules are clear and predictable there's a call as a consequence every move made as a consequence and the mistakes you know happens in a video game when you make a mistake right with if you're trying to climb that thing and the bells are rolling down to you what happens if you  you start over you start over and how long is does take to start over just like that just a second you know that old thing where i'm sure people heard of it where you give a kid a timeout for how long for the age you know they're like three years old you would have over three minutes you know who made that up i don't know me that up that doesn't mean anything is just completely wrong i think it was based on just simplicity try to put a three year old in a three minute time out you're hanging on that kid right all the sudden you're like wrestling the kid in the kid's like forgot why their time on the first place and so with a video game if you have a kid playing a video game and that reset is longer than five seconds you know happens they stop playing the game again the more fun and so soon as the mistake is made they start from the beginning and start over in a moment kids back in the game how we react is defying the moment if we freak out the kids going to freak out if we're kind of like methodical and kind of check into it the kid is easier as an easier time of kind of holding back and kind of checking things  three strategies together refuse to get big reactions the broken rule recognize and energize positive behaviors in the moana success relentlessly it's flipping over is giving our energy to what's working and dn are jiving with now are also setting limits limits and forcing limits each time a behavior isn't a good behavior a mistake and we'll talk more about how to do that with each one of these things so first one refused to give big reactions energy or get drawn into the negativity if rules broken you get a short brief mild consequence and then move on after it's over it's over just like groundhog day with as little emotion energy and interactions possible because again it is proven that our interaction is the biggest reward for behaviors in our interactions are shaping the brain and so we get to give our energy and fuel to what we want more of and withdraw it from what we ourselves without anger guilt yelling without explanation or lecturing this is a really hard one to not tell a kid why they did something wrong know the kids is like i have no idea he was not thinking right the kid was not thinking and so we're giving all our best analysis to negative behavior that just happened and all our big reaction  behavior and we can inadvertently reward the behaviors we want to get rid of so again this might take some practice so ways to energize the haters is yelling raise boys tone lectures the c s i investigation the glares looks comparisons disappointment i'm so disappointed in you when we say were so disappointed in the child what's going on the kid they right to their war brain and their thinking is like what is the big deal what is just a window so i threw a rock in a broke right there turning it over and blaming you well what was the to work it out as what's going on and sarcasm is my favorite punitive a harsh consequence all that energizes the negative behaviors and so like you got to really figure out what helps to become you've got to you've got to come up with some strategies whether it's breathing taking a walk whatever because your reaction is setting the tone and it's not easy i still get negative at times you know like you that one thousand and sixteen right now is to get negative at him but the more i am able to be neutral the more i'm able to have conversations with them you know a little while ago that you know  really big deal when the kids become teenagers so you've got to really figure out what helps you get calm you have a macho it's like i will not engage i will not get into this time just walk away you set yourself like hey i'm getting frustrated i've got to let it go every time you kind of like feel a negative feeling like do i want to be here and you know made a deal of the kind of like you know the bumps in the side of the the sleep strips you kind of go off and i don't wake up that's what a negative feeling can do because native once you go off the side of the road once you start to get negative you're going off the rails because our feelings are one hundred percent gauge maybe i shouldn't interact with my kid right now maybe i should wait a minute and then come back with a little more positive brain because if you are in your positive brain you are then talking have more chance to talk to your child positive bra or set your intentions you know it's like thinking about you know visualize like you know what i really owe my kid like talks back to me that really gets me get to know your triggers that i am not going to react what i'll do is all do this and have like a little kind of a role play your mind this is what i'm going to do and said being reactive questions about that one they're pretty good at that for when a kid breaks a rule we're going to cover that we're going to cover that second stand and that's the third thing we're going to go over the second stand is to relentlessly look for the positive behaviors and give them energy in the moment of success and so it's trying to wind up your interactions and your relationship with the positive behaviors that are going on in your child walk up this morning and got himself or herself ready for school and did about thirty things right about thirty things right and how many did you recognize the most success what happens is we skip over so many things that are going right and hop on the person who goes wrong because we're reactive and that's what i'm saying is like it's not easy but with some intention and some practice you're better at it and i can tell you this is a much more fun and satisfying way to parent is no fun being an angry brain it's no fun of leaving the house in the morning angry and anger the kids no fun going to bed angry and angry at the kids and so it's ruins who for the puzzle behaviors in the moment success and given the detail an great or you're amazing is talk about why he's talking about the behaviors talk about something it is actually in a child's control that they can get better at were so caught job at so for techniques i think is where our glasser has really because there's a lot of positive stuff going on but he gives really specific techniques and how to do it when to go into or each one of them and they get to mix them matched and so the first one is the play by play which is like being a narrator of a basketball game just kind of like seeing the details of what's going on and of narrating in the moment success and so on and i can see you've got your hand out there and you're looking up and you're sitting in the front those are all behaviors that you would want more of i can see that you are getting your teeth brushed and ready for school married in the behaviors that you want more of and again you are by just by giving them attention you are rewarding them next one is giving meaning to the behavior that you are seeing you're getting up and getting  brushing your teeth that tells me that you are responsible and we go over each one of these and then the third one is recognize what's not happening this is for the intense kids the high rollers behavior problems so when a kid is not doing something they are making a lot of good decisions when they are not yelling back when they are not talking back when they're not hitting their sister they are actually making good decisions seem kind of crazy to talk about that but these are the same that are going on a kid's brain when their sister is bugging them like you do one more time i'm just going to blow up right and you can see the kid kind of get into it thinking about ready to go right and then you say it's like you better not do that your kid a warning right and what the kid gets in your brain it's like what she's doing this they're going to the brain right and we were opportunities to actually help that kid were and how to be more successful with their big feelings and then the fourth and that is would go out over problems that was my job with a problem start solving right and so i had to switch over my thinking and over the right thing things that were working and so i had to remind myself and i would like look at a couple the words and try to look for those out with a kid child working with and it was just a little reminder to myself to kind of like be more intentional about was looking for and so that's my son troy and so i go up to him and just kind of like see what he's doing his homework and thing you know you  he got us and he actually know them knowing him right because i told one thing in a film use it it's like all right and so after a while he starts working and he's right there in the moment because what i'm saying is actually true i'm not making anything up i'm just reflecting back the moment of what i see about who he is and because i'm on target he's feeling it and everything we say sticks to they are and sort of an opportunity to say you know you got your stuff out which really tells me you're organized and you kind of dedicated to your homework and then i got into i said you know troy you're such a good friend you know you're talking about your friend max and how he's got and you really know how who we is that is why so many kids like you so i'm going to get and get deeper into who years as a person has the ability to connect the kids each of your kids get that unique kind of special quality evidence of what you see to do you think irrefutable evidence of who they are and back that just because you're a parent you love them this is what i see right now you're organizing at a stop out you're how you are with your friends you connect people and so the more details you give the more you kind of telling them you see who they are get you know how do we typically teach stuff like respect or manners when kids are being disrespectful right i think you need to be more respectful of your mother how open are they when they're talking like that and there are things like well you need more spectrum of me you know it's like that's they're thinking they're not thinking yes sir you're absolutely correct you know i need to be more respectful of my mother and yes let's let's review the different ways that you do or spectral because they're in the lower brain and so if we can kind of had them and see them who they are and their level of respect when they're up and they're in their higher brain when they're having success seconds after you could be rewarding the wrong thing and so the closer we are to the behaviors in the moment success the more actually shaping the muscle memory of who they are the brain architecture academic curriculum one step social emotional curriculum and actually they break them braided together and peter and so when your child is feeding the dog in the morning without being asked like is not getting sent to the office he is right in a seat getting him out and then been brought back and so he's not being lectured about what he did wrong he's actually being told how awesome it is that he was able to be reset and how able is able to make it back to be engaged but we're talking more about setting limits so you know again that i work with kids this works it works it works with your spouse you know if you focus on what's working with your spouse it's amazing it's like really powerful and so there are technique thank you very much eighty percent that what's not happening that could be and this is for the high rollers or the behavior problems you know i'll just say what it is the younger one i say when i saw you doing that i saw you when you hit him and quinnipiac i did not i just saw you and he would get into an argue with me about what i just saw but as soon as i learn this what i do it's like i would think that ok what are they doing and they'd be going out into for something that happened while they're playing again i think when you are being such an incredible big brother you are including your younger brother in the game in troy you are being really flexible about what you're doing so i was just trying to like see what's going on and they're good for another half hour because it's focusing on what the problem was i was focusing on what's going right in the more success and also if i don't spend time with them it's almost like they want a piece of me and so they're going to get a piece of me no matter what and so this interaction is actually building who they are as opposed to undermining who they are to success and so again so it takes like five minutes a day you can say like twenty positive things in five minutes a day is not going to take extra time and as kids get older incredible opportunity they're there to like get right in there's a i can see how angry you are frustrated you are and you're still not reacting how are you doing you are showing so much self control because what you doing there is you are helping that kid but by talking to them say i can see that you're still hanging on you're actually giving that kid the experience that of success that they can be this angry and not  and then you're actually talking to them and you're bringing them from the lower brain to the upper brain and what you're doing is you are shaping the architecture of the brain and giving them successes of hanging on to these big feelings and not reacting have seen the marshmallow test it's kind of funny but when you watch this watch these kids these four year olds that are showing self control and what could you say to them in the moment when they're showing your self control because the ability the patient and perseverance is actually with a fine is more important in doing things like math problems than actual understand math the ability to kind of stay with it stay with the problem and believe that in just kind of like hang on and not give up and you can kind of like how we could have success doing that right when they're in the math problem i can see that your work is math and you're not giving up you're being a really and help a kid grow those by recognizing part of them because what we give our energy to will grow so their ability to be compassionate is just right there and you saw it and you  nurtured it and not only will it help one child but the other child compassion yes you are the focusing on the moments of success and give them evidence of who they are and by doing that you're growing those muscles the compassion muscles the problem solve most of the communication muscles you just rewarding it by reflecting back the success that you see and so you see a kid kind of whole negs are it's like now we can tell kids like how to do that that was no don't eat those marshmallows don't eat them and this is how you do it but what we're doing is we're telling a kid how to do it but if we could talk to each of those kids like you know what the ability to how did you come up with hang onto your arm because now we did they could have the ability to they got a case but come up with techniques how to do that and has in creativity and ingenuity and self control the one kids i got up he was like he could not be that bell right he knew it that was a couple things so now we can we kind of like see the kids hang out their frustration but we can even kind of recognize their own ability to come up with specific way i don't know i don't know what to do well it's just it's just so in the basically you know the indicator of ability to delay that gratification they follow these kids or life and that they found that the kids that they can i delay gratification earlier in life do better later in life and that we don't just have to weed out the chance we can teach this to four year olds and then the fourth is that help make good successes happen anybody have you want you can if you can break it down into baby steps you can help teach that success my my wife was really good at this and asked me six years ago my younger son troy sunday night was like little success incremental success and build and scaffold we can teach that and then other thing earlier each kid got there kind of like unique strengths of who they are and brooks calls these islands of competency and if you help a kid really accept and understand their strengths and believe in themselves and just kind of affirming going through a choice like this who you are you're so good your friends if you affirm a child for who they are light i can see how frustrated you are and you're hanging on and i would like to tell you how much power you have right now you're like a ninja warrior right now you know kind of pump mop and it's like yeah i'm a ninja warrior you know and like you can kind of talk them through that situation of those big feelings and then the other side is like you know often a kid's like areas develop are often their side is their strengths are unique strengths and so often the kid who's got the behavior problems they might be really good at sports right and be really good really really active in say in so it's helping them channel who they are more creatively and more productively again with that video game feedback of like success success excess mistake success success excess mistake of what they're doing in the moment and we're talking a minute about like what happens when kids make mistakes and the habits build character and you can use rewards in credit systems sweeten the deal these marble jars when a kid does well it's like you know for behavior put a marble  our brain sees what it's looking for and so that's why i give out that paper that's why i like to write in my hand a kind of feel for the positive in the morning i have a sticky positive because i was in the problem finding mode now as we said being positive on its own will not work particularly with the high rollers they need tight limits they need to enforce the limits and have clarity about what's expected like a video game each time stake is made reset start and doesn't a basketball game the rules are clear if this ols and the players know them there's no can stick their foot over it's like i'm not crossing it right they're going to just push the limit you know and wherever the wind is they're going to it is a bed time is nine o'clock they don't want to go to bed at nine thirty eight o'clock can't do something you know the whole thing's like well the rule is you got to be respect for being nice to your brother it's like it's too fuzzy for the hire or they need to know it's like we can't push you can't tease you can't do this and each time happens is going to consequence and also the predictable structures you know even them in the morning it's like what happens in the morning sets the whole day right morning can be chaos can't tell you how many families i work with where screen time is a major issue term work much royko and what the consequences are and so the rules are just very clear if you go over the time then there's going be a consequence and it's always a good idea to talk about the rule of peace you don't want to make up rules on the fly that does not work and so you know just talk what the rules are and the cross and have you heard like what i did more earlier when they're younger without have a quick timeout but as i got older i made a little more and so i give my job to do it to cross the line if they you know  so again the timeouts pause the action and as soon as it is over you just let it go and help them sit back and so is soon as they would take out the trash i'm not  g them or anything not telling them like why are you always going over time on the video game the washer does not work it's not like yeah you're right you know i want to hear more of this you know they know what the rules are you don't need to explain it's just like white noise to them and you know with the right spin on a consequence you know what troy i appreciate that you just took the consequence you got all and you took out the trash you really kind of countability of your behavior and i appreciate that is no backtalk or anything you will minute so i'm going to hold it for an hour and if you don't get to me that point and i turn it off and we'll talk about when you were turned back on is a first world problem is like the privilege of a cell phone is incredible currency questions this so far so again it's looking for the positive and as soon as they cross the line set the consequence whatever it is yeah so when they when you get a consequence because it's directly related to the privileges coming back it's more in their control but it's in your control in a way you know so so again you don't want to get you don't get into that power battle and so then i say ok you know what to like if you don't give it to me then i'm going to give you thirty seconds can think about it and if you don't get it in well when it grows it didn't right this is the line we already talked about it this is the line if you cross it i'm going to hold the cell phone until you come back or yeah you know so it's the combination of the consequences on their own and i guess at the behavior it's the consequences plus the successes and so take the screen what time i would say not being angry your sister and not hitting him her it's like i can see that you're angry and you're not hitting your sister and i would like to acknowledge that that you're showing self control it feels like catching it before it happen right because baby steps i five you know talk about it marbles whatever you know so you want to like again help them have success they're going to learn from success not the consequences that moment and i can see you're still thinking about it but you're not reacting and now doing so i would like to let you know that i can see it at some self control and i appreciate that and then after like five minutes like you still have seemed like you're kind of loosen up a little bit how do you do it that's where you are the c s i is like how are you coming yourself down i used the breathing technique it's like you're like a jet i know it right now you know it's like going to hang it on going to be in the you know it's like you can really get into that moment and like help and i was yeah that's great because that's what you're giving the behavior meaning you get in your the coat on because it is helping you right is helping the whole family yeah it's like i you know you code and you get your stuff together to help the families who help me and i appreciate it great they are you're telling him that this behavior is doing and you're being successful at it and they've done a lot of studies on praise actually carol dweck has an incredible study called the urban great book called mind set and what they found was when you praise a kid for did she prays or did she just notice what she's doing right right and i could knowledge that that was hard for you did it he's got an intensity you know and he's doing great in school but he still needs coaching and so we get a little spending money you know and and so he's got to give us a little video of his clean room before we kind of i put in a stall count just helping him to be a better roommate and still still much much better because it's the consistency kids want to be successful you know and when they were now when they were not get the energy when they cross the line it just like helps them yeah when i get better as like enforcing the limits consistently when i got better at that things worked out a lot better and it's hard for me you know and so if you work that one thing you get the gets easier gets easier and the kids will there are some there are small successes i guarantee you if you go home tonight there's going to success and sometimes it's really hard to see i know i get it but there you've got to look for the smallest because because of the small successes also you going to start to change the dynamic a little bit because again your relationship don't underestimate the power of your oyster but it's hard wired in the brain to try to like want your approval even though it does not seem like it and so  like turning it over and looking for and be intense about seems excessive and not getting reactive to like the the negative stuff give it two weeks give it two weeks and i guarantee you'll see some positive stuff going on give yourself a break you know you've been doing this for a while it's like you get better at it you know like just kind of catch yourself and you know just start yelling right it's like that negative feelings that is building up to he's been on it i've told him get five minutes turn it off and they're going to freak out and they're going to like but after that awhile they're going to get what the rules are so you know just yeah yea that is the key and you get it that's it it's like when it's like really kind of being plugged in or not plugged in almost like a toaster is when it's unplugged it's like there's no energy was plugged in there's energy right and so when a kid is doing something negative you set the limit and you unplug yourself you plug your energy it's hard it's not easy but like you get better at it over time and the kid or just and so people say like well how long does this take it's like well how long w it take for you to check yeah these and try them and look for the success and again it's about it's about the relationship it is that the relationship is the currency and said it was it yeah you data kwok so i appreciate you guys i'll stay here as long as you yeah because the bet the bedroom is kind of like fun right but him can be a party and so it's like would you suggest a time out that's not in the bedroom so the bedrooms good just get him away but the time out is just like sit right there and when you're ready you can come out and the reason we do in the classroom because in the classrooms have the kid put the head down because if the teacher tells the kid first of all keep you in the classroom right  tell a kid to go to the office and they don't go you're probably right and so again it's all about energy and so i give you a time out right now it's like take a break and i'm going over here if you think that the punishment is going to teach them a lesson you missed the point the consequence is to stop the action because punishments don't work they don't work what and things kind of write themselves they'll see me in a couple months or whatever when things go off the rail so i thank you i'll be around for a little bit