and welcome to the edge i'm cosas mansi and i'm thinking back when i was in eighth grade i finally built up enough confidence to ask my co host payton out on a date those next couple of days i spent physically and mentally preparing myself for my day with peyton the day came i woke up friday morning with butterflies in my stomach and the last of the entire school day all the way up until my mom picked us up to go to late skate a out late skate payne and i discovered that we were not soulmates but were probably just be better off as friends the date was awkward and long story short a disaster it was my very first first date and to this day i'm still not very good at first dates but how can you get better if you don't try some school and i went skating the dating scene has changed drastically especially since we were only in eighth grade people have created a stigma around first dates and social media has started to play a major role first dates are seen as pivotal to predicting the trajectory of a relationship according to psychology now dot com the first state isn't just a way of getting to know basic facts about a person it's also a time when you look for signals to suggest that your potential partner may be interested in you i'm sure everyone has questions on first dates including me whether it be how do i know if this date if my day is into me or what should i wear on my first date so today we have namco hen joining us thank you so much for being on the show ok so first i want to ask you a little bit about your job like what's your job title like what do you do well i do host talk radio here in town and i have a divorce business and then that led me into a matchmaking business so i'm very diversified in what i do so i'm guessing you know a lot about dating i think i do think i do so how would you say first dates set the stage for the rest of a relationship potential relationship well i don't think in today's times you've got to go you've got to take the first date the first meeting and you have to enjoy it you can't think about what's down the road or how long that's going to be you just got to live for the moment when you finally get to meet that person that's that's where it starts for me and i think social media has kept us like so connected that it doesn't really matter like the first state like you already kind of know the person before you even go on the date so yeah well you kind of fill yourself up first right yeah you see somebody and you think oh back that could be interesting but let me go check my social media platform let me go check out their their to gram their twitter whatever and i think that that kind of takes away from some of it because i'm i really stress especially on the radio but i'm not really for internet dating i don't support that as much because i think that you can get very powerful behind a keyboard and you can become something that sometimes your don't really innocently don't think that you're portraying out there but it sometimes sets the wrong tone and how do you think people patrik themselves differently on the internet than rather than like real life well because i think perception sometimes becomes reality for people it's like when you go onto some of those dating sites you look and you see pictures of people that are not as they look today yes right and i didn't myself yet so they think they look better then instead of being who they are now and i think that's where you get a lot of that cross back and forth why would you want to hopefully meet somebody and you look walking around a coffee shop looking for somebody that's showing a twenty year old picture you know that's for sure and why would you say first dates aren't as crucial anymore as they used to be i think first dates are crucial because there has to be some connection but i don't think you have to judge everything by a first date because how do you get to know everything about this person that you know you've got anxiety a little bit of how do i behave what do i wear is it is perfect that to me is we want things organically we want to have yes where they're just become natural and i ever the first awkward it's just awkward at first yeah so i was a user to make those type of things organic be yourself be yourself you can't be the model that you see on the runway or you can't wear the outfit that's right for somebody else you've got to do those things for yourself what you're comfortable with and who you are that's what you need to portray yes because a lot of times like if you're acting like someone else and you think you have a connection with someone they don't really even know you to know if they have a connection with you and then you hurt your as for a second yeah so that that's the other part of it i personally think that's a pretty big part of it is why like a lot of relationships don't work out because people just try to be something they're not and once they start to show their true colors the other person may not like that as much or they may have like reading the know the first place exactly because you weren't your truth so yeah all right so switching gears here have you ever heard of speed dating i want to ask you about this i have do you think that works do you think speed dating is like a viable option for trying to find someone well do you think you're going to know me when i walk off know enough you know enough in five minutes nobody's going to ring a bell and say time's up i don't i think that what that gives you is the just the overall that i'm not for that i think that just like so many kinds of like different types of dating experience dating online dating like people are just trying to find someone and like i think the most like i don't know valuable way to find someone would be just like meeting them like somewhere i don't know so i like to take with the services that we do i like to tell people what's the best thing that can happen out of a date yes i came to you met somebody nice the worst thing could happen yeah you don't know because that part of that person could have been right for you but you just let them walk away so i always say go and meet and enjoy yourself how this could be your next best friend but i say that friend has friends you've got to be able to market yourself you've got to be able to get out there because the landscape of dating when i go up isn't like the landscape of yeah eating where your at so you go you have that that base where just have fun and say oh i you know this is i have interest in this night interest that hey i have a friend that has interest and that you never know where that can go and that's what happens when i talk about organically so you spoke of your date but she may have had friends didn't have the best the first dates but you may have gained a friend or somebody that you can call and say hey i have nothing to do you want to hang out and again just that's just good enough that's not how he's calling and we're friends now like you know no i don't i don't hate her all because  not on the show you know the easiest thing to do is take something positive away you know every day i always say to people whenever i meet people you take something away so even if it's not the best of first dates take something away from it maybe you i feel like most people whenever a first date doesn't go well whatever they just kind of walk away from it but like you said if pain and i just walked away from our date then we may not have been friends so why do you think people walk away from that maybe not so good first because i think as a society today everything's an instantaneous world and if you don't meet that person it's not an instant hit you just say i'm done on to the next and that's where i think people sell themselves short because as i said the landscape of dating has changed tremendously out there and so you want to get out there and make the best of the situation not the worst of the situation and then i had a question i find a lot of times that like one person is more into another person than them like they are like then the other person is into them and i was just wondering like how can you like look for signs on like that like if someone's not as into you as you are and that well i think that you can't be too overbearing yeah and sometimes we want to push our pieces across the table right now i say well here is everything i got i think you have to slowly grow that if you're into sports and somebody who's into something different you've got a engaged the sports talk and maybe the foodie talk you have to slowly grow that know what that person's really energized over loves to hit the abyss the sports pieces but what could i maybe lot of mental notes here aren't yeah yeah ok so how can someone get better at first states as i feel like a lot of people especially at our age aren't really too good at them we don't like go on yes they just kind of like just like hang out in their basement and attacks and you're  on there's a good thing how about the texting that's pretty prevalent when your kids are very proud right and so you can get a text and you can read it i would read it one way and you could read it and now that yeah right yeah so i think that that's out if somebody was going to ask me out on a text i wouldn't even consider it i just wouldn't i want to hear you say had like to go out with you would you like to do this would you do that i think it's too impersonal and i think it's even worse when somebody wants to because no matter what you how powerful the texts can be you eventually have to communicate yeah i don't think i've ever been asked out not via text like in person but why don't you trouble that i show it honestly  mean by email or text or talks or write all right i think that's all the time i have for this part so we're going to go to a commercial break and we'll be right back talking about first dates so what is one thing what are some things you should never talk about on the first aid it's a good thing you brought that up because if you'd asked me this probably two years ago my answer would have been different but in today's environment i'm going to tell you politics out you just don't go there i've had honest from from your age to eighty it is such a hot topic get to know the person first before you start feeling around for their political views because i have experienced people that have gotten up and walked out of a first date right off the bat because they've pushed their dreams out of politics so that's my number one thing as of today that it's an evolution i would have had that answer for you and all those people that have like gone through your dating service yes yes absolutely we try to get people prepped you know before they go on the date a lot of times we get people who have no experience date and they put their careers ahead of themselves or they're divorced or maybe widowed and they're getting back out into this dating world and we we coached them through it you know it's scary it's scary t age but that's the number one thing i'd say please keep your political pieces in due time as the relationship evolves that's one thing i'm not saying you hide it but i don't think you give somebody a fair chance right off that the first question the last just like anywhere on that first day you know anywhere i'd rather you talk what kind of food you like but yes day away from the political you get more comfortable with the yeah yeah you have to understand why they have their political views and i think that grows over time and it doesn't mean the people who are the opposite political views can't get together because that that's that's ok but i think if you're going to prejudge it right off the bat that's where we can we're so yourself short and then does your service to you guys set up the day or you just coaching people back into the day so it's twofold we do we said we absolutely i know you'll be surprised to hear of us in our matchmaking business we use no computer program in reno algorithms we're inundated with services trying to sell this to us we went back to the old style of of matchmaking and there has to be something that we feel would would bring a couple together to get on to that first day and we usually do it over a dinner occupations some people have to be attached to it i get that but we're going to have we're going to change some rules but that is upcoming months for sure in why would you say that diners the best place to go on a first date and sort of going to movie or going to a museum or something so i like the fact of everybody has to eat right yeah they can skip breakfast that can skip lunch but we i want to hope that they're going to get dinner and at that point a lot of times people need just to relax busy days busy nights busy weekends but everybody has to eat so we like to do it over our dinner where we feel that conversation can pick up there's always something to talk about in a particular restaurant the food the decor we try to give them something that they can member will pay for the meal but we will add there's no pressure oh yeah but that's we do on occasion we hear more often not somebody picked up the check but the great thing is you walk away and what's the worst thing to happen now we've decreased that you've had a meal and you may have gained some interest in maybe going on to a second half and so like you you know from your divorce expert also so how would you say because i know coming from my parents are divorced that whatever i mean i was really little but it took them a pretty decent time to start getting back in the dating game so why do you think that divorced couples typically it takes them longer or they don't think that they'll be able to date again why do you think that is well i think in your case you said you were a little so i think parents need to get the stabilization of that yaml you know point where as you just didn't leave mom or dad now there's a new you know somebody else coming into the house and i think a lot of people need to settle into that stage of their life  some people stay in that stage a little too long yeah and then they have sort of you know when is it my time and they struggle their other ones seem to come out of a divorce at any age and are just ready to hit the ground running and you know everybody's individualized normally happens a divorced person that's all they want to talk about with their divorce good point that's all the time and so you have to understand that i may have fixed you up being divorced with somebody who just lost their spouse so i have somebody is coming out of a divorce that may not have been a good divorce so they may have a little bit of anger or resentment you know they didn't want this part of their life to be conversing with somebody that lost the love of their life so how does that work so that's kind of where some of the coach  comes in you've got to say even if i had divorced with a divorced person across to it's not about divorce this isn't the time there's time to grow and learn what happened in that marriage but you don't need to sell that person across the table why you is you know lousy he was a great you know did this you know we don't need to do that and then you cut your chances because that person across the table may be a different place and they're divorced and really wants to just go out and start meeting people and enjoying it and has their divorce piece settled and now they're opening up the next chapters of their lives so it gets a little confusing but you have to tell people that are divorced this is not the place to play out your divorce when you're setting up those matches do you take into account if they're like divorced or widowed or single or do we do you take that big into account like is it a big factor it is because you hear sometimes quite often you hear divorce will say why do want to date but it was with children i've already done that  raise my own kids and then i'll say to them ok well what if somebody said that about you and all of a sudden i hold the mirror up and that's you and you let somebody go by because of some ridiculous points yes it's kind do very much on the reality piece of life everything i do and all the business is based on reality you always have to take a self image of yourself that could be me someday somebody could be saying that about me yeah and so you have children and he has children ok you can get through it you're looking at the person across the table saying could i have a future here i really like this person is going to let children innocent children stop that so i think that's kind of where we come in what we're coaching in moving the the pieces together you get people that are divorced look at divorce statistics it's pretty high yet it's pretty hard for sometimes single people that have never been married you know they say i won't date anybody divorce ok well you're narrowing in your box i've got people say i won't date somebody over a certain age narrowing in approx you got a i have to get people to say ok that's fine but you're closing in your pieces of who is out there in the to can't be too tall can't be too short i do and i have a lot of your clients are like picky like that yeah i think that they you can be but you also have to understand that just because somebody may not have hair or bald doesn't mean they're not a good person ye h i'll give you an example when i was the one thing i never liked was facial hair i didn't want i just wasn't something for me and my my my friends laugh because i married a man who has a full beard so i was limiting myself by saying that way back when you know it's just not my look and interested and here at time you know twenty one years later i love that beard so again you everybody puts those pieces up but you have to look beyond yeah and how would you say that differs from generations because i feel like the younger generation now if they see some they don't like it's very you know i'm not going towards out at all but i feel like the order you get the more acceptable you kind of get told except not accept the more accepted that you know you could use that word because you do you sometimes you realize this is what you're going to get because they are told by people close themselves and yeah and make those decisions when you take all those people out of  know each other better because i think a lot of the times after divorce people were like they're hurt inside especially if it's fresh off of the divorce they're hurt inside they don't really want to let themselves open up again so how can you sort of not just like fully open the can get to but how can you start to get to know them a little bit better why i think it's doesn't really matter if you're divorced if you're widowed i think the general question your advantage is when you put those pieces together you have to ask yourself some pieces am i ready to do this there's times in our lives that we're just not ready for a relationship and you have to say to yourself you know what i'm going to put this on the shelf right now but don't leave it up there developed too much dust collect bring it back to yourself and say now's my time i want to get out there we i often feel that sometimes we shortchange ourselves we get so busy in our jobs and we see this a lot in the business that people are coming to us they've missed their opportunity to have children for a female you know it's like  just i'm just too late on that but i might be an able to introduce you to some of the does have children and there's always a get out you can't close yourself in to these pieces and you have to remember take the time when you when you feel  other pieces to it the other platforms and go what's the cost of a ghost in an instant message nothing right little right just do it so you don't hear from them maybe it wasn't they were having a good day and maybe you'll hear from them in a month i rejection it's right it's so if it's fearful of rejection keep going you know as we always say how many how many frogs do you have to kiss before you find a prince right keep doing it keep going keep keep trying it's there it's out there for you do you have a lot of clients that are like afraid of rejection and you like help overcome that fear or you're more of just like getting ready for like a date i do it both ways you know i think that you have to hear what went wrong in the past understand why if they feel rejected and then you try to you know motivate them in a different way sometimes that those roads cross but again it comes to the same thing you just it's your perspective it's what you want to put out well that was all the time we have for today every relationship must start with the first date even though it might be awkward as always nice to learn some tips and tricks when going on that date we would like to ba joining us for today's episode of the edge hopefully you gain some helpful knowledge when you're going on a first date i know i did thanks for joining in on this episode of the ad and we'll see you next time