my name is rachel neal and i do work for the honduras commission have been there nine years and it's such a privilege to work for a fantastic organization that does so many great things so one of the things i want to share with you is that last night we had over one hundred twenty homeless men women and children staying at our shelters in holland and i think that's a statistic that a lot of us don't maybe realize and it's easy to ignore when we're at home and sleeping in our warm beds and we sometimes take that for granted not only that but in the last six weeks we've had four newborns born to moms that are staying in our shelter that because of the ministry of holland rescue mission those newborn babies were able to go to a safe shelter in a safe place to sleep  one of them was just born on tuesday eight pounds fifteen ounces and it's a blessing to see a new life in our facility and it's a blessing to know that those newborn babies are not sleeping on someone's couch or in their car with their mom but they're able to go home to a safe shelter so how and rescue mission meets the basic needs of the homeless and we do that every day and we've done that for over one hundred years and we're going to continue doing that but the information that you have on your tables in front of you today is about a new way that we're meeting needs the materials you have in front of you about our new gateway center which is an eighty two thousand square foot facility on u s thirty one and holland that you might recognize as the old man arts building that center will allow us to produce more profound change in our residents and community you may have read a recent article regarding our increasing employment market noted that for every person in our community that's looking for a job there are two jobs available i can tell you that individuals that come to us out of homelessness don't have a problem finding a job they have a problem keeping a job and so our goal as a ministry has been to be entrepreneurial to be innovative and to look for ways that we could meet the needs of job training and long term employment placement for individuals that come to us so that they don't continue to cycle through our shelter and that's what the gateway center is about it's more than just a new location it's a massive expansion of our already successful programs that will offer real life job training and coaching to our residents create public intersections through the donation center and thrift store for our community and will also offer h the opportunity to continue creating revenue streams and be self sustaining in the future so instead of talking at you let's go back into the program but i'm around my business card is there i would love to invite you to come in and take a tour shoot me an e mail give me a call i'd love to take you through and show you firsthand what's happening at the gateway center and how you and maybe your business could be involved thank you rachel thank you to you and the mission for your sponsorship today but especially for the work you do in our community if you haven't toured the missions facilities i really hate you to do so they do amazing work in our community i'm so now today's main program if you've ever experienced personality based conflicts at work you know how painful it is and how difficult it can be to solve so today we're going to learn about these difficult situations and how they can be satisfactorily satisfactory  prevented or speaker laissez faire renzo has helped dozens of groups identify and change their habits to become strong powerful teams so i'm pleased to welcome leslie she's the director of the employee assistance center leslie welcome to the podium so the underlying assumption is you're all brilliant the fact of the matter is when it comes to personality based workplace conflict there's just a couple things that make a difference but we know from a business perspective it's costly costly because it impacts our bottom line turnover when people leave the statistic says what one and a half times someone's annual salary in terms of impact on productivity and reduced productivity on the team the good news there is just a few things that we do it's really not that people are just jerks we just make some basic mistakes that causes problems to begin and causes problems to grow so my goal today is to help you one cover just a couple of these mistakes so that you can share this information back at work if what i have to say resonates with you i want to invite you to learn more and there's a couple ways we can do that i have a gift for one person and that will be the person that ats a question as we wrap up so think about your questions if your thirst want to jump up there is a prize but because you're in the audience today i want to share a couple of things with you so if you've opened up the brochures that are on your table you'll know to couple things and there's a couple of check boxes so i want to make an offer to you in terms of a free gift and we'll talk about that and we'll talk about how you can learn more i first became acquainted with on a marvellous and this material about three years ago so at a conference in phoenix and was really intrigued by what she had to say and felt that it was important that the folks back home back in michigan the lives and works in the st paul minnesota area st paul minnesota have minneapolis minnesota area and just wanted to share with you so that's what we're about today this is really the tip of the iceberg begin our discussion by talking about energy because when we think about people at work we think of a continuum of energy there's a workplace of that's full of hostility right not a great place to be researchers as all have also looked at this as individuals and when we're in a hostile angry place we know it's not good on our health maybe you're familiar with an organization in southern california called heart math heart math takes a look at our hearts and does a lot of research on that and so that e c g we're going to see next is courtesy of heart math and it's a picture of someone heart g when they're angry or upset you probably noticed a couple of things about that picture and the analogy i want to make is that it's much like an engine that's not working in tune working really hard but not getting anywhere what research knows about our hearts when over time we continue to allow hostility into our lives it can have a dramatic impact on our health now let's move to the opposite end of the continuum that place where we pull together that place of appreciation the place we feel really good maybe it's that place on saturday morning right when we put the work week to bad and we come together with our friends and family to enjoy the weekend i want to encourage you to think about the fact that we can work to create monday mornings that are a lot like saturday mornings now my guess is none of you get up here and say yeah it's monday got to go to work right  cetera but i think we can create some of that same enthusiasm when we are on this end of the equation so let's look at it e c g of someone's heart who is in this place of researchers call coherence appreciation it's a place where our minds and our bodies are all functioning together a lot healthier place to be a lot better place to be and i know you noticed on that continuum there's a dip in the middle this is the place of feeling indifferent feeling helpless it's the law well it's not a place we're going to stay because there's no energy to draw from so was groups of people we are typically typically going to gravitate to one hostile or too positive so as leaders what we want to do create opportunities for the positive but this place in the middle there's no way to measure that for our heart no way to take an e c g so we have an image hopefully she's never waited on you but i bet she has so what are these cultures like at work i'm going to give you about ninety seconds at your table to share and if you haven't introduced yourselves to one another now is a good time to do that but just talk about what are some words that describe a highly negative group and ways that impacts productivity and then what's a highly positive group words that describe that and then ways that impacts productivity avoid telling stories because you don't have time just share some words on your mark get so you should be talking about positive what are some of the ideas you came up with what are some words that describe a highly negative group about the table way the back what you guys talk about back there one word highly negative group busy or business i'm busy ok another word say it again distrust distrust yes absolutely combative yeah ok so how does how do those words impact productivity you're not very productive no it destroys it right and the other words that you came up with really wasting time or energy absolutely sick and gossipy yes personality conflicts all right so not a place where we want to be certainly not a place where people are going to say yay i get to go there right i'm so excited that it's monday morning what about the positive side what are some words that describe a positive group thank you appreciation absolutely what else efficient high functioning interactive they share information they get the job done how does that impact productivity initiative people take initiative absolutely and the other way and the other thoughts for support yeah they give one another support thankful good so more likely a place where people are going to yay i get to go there i believe most everyone wants to be in a place in a workplace that's positive but we know there's thousands it's a matter of fact gallup has a statistic that says over eighty percent of people go to a job every day that they dislike for one reason or another that's sad it is that yes s the u s is my understanding it's true you research they did on us the other research they did which i think this i find really disheartening thirty four percent are actively undermining the work of other people thirty four percent the good news we know we can change that but here's what i want you to think about this is demonstrated time and time again and this is been on as life's work and research there's nine reliable stages that happen in destructive or personality based conflict so we're going to talk about those in order to do that we're going to make up a story and before i was director of employ assistance center i was a chair at a couple different manufacturing firms i love manufacturing i love the process and think about everything in this room right came from somebody who manufactured something that's how it got here so talk about jill is the v p of sales for this imaginary manufacturing company and jack's the v p of ops who should get along right right they should be communicating working effectively together but let's just say something happens there's a disagreement a disappointment we don't often say this at work but somebody's got their feelings hurt now if jack and jill are skilled communicators they're able to work through this let's just say for the sake of our story that jill over promised something to a customer and when she came back and told jack he was pretty upset because he knew and he thought she knew that that would be impossible or very likely unable to take place so he's a little frustrated a little angry with  if they work through it relationship can be maintained but if they don't they start to avoid one another it doesn't mean they're not polite they certainly see each other and meetings are cordial but avoidance is the stopping of sharing of critical information they don't communicate they withhold information and it just a little bit at first but it grows over time as people we are really social creatures and we crave that interaction and what happens when we don't get it we make it so what if i don't have the facts i will make some assumptions and when assumptions replace facts we start down a very slippery slope here's what it can sound like i need to vent innocent enough right we've all gone down the hall knocked on the door of a colleague and said i need to talk to you about this i'm so frustrated i'm so upset when we start down attacking the person as opposed to problem solving that's where we get into trouble so let's just compare and contrast and i apologize if your name is george i'm not talking about you but i always have a tendency to pick on and make again addition to our story about george and so george called me out in a meeting about my data maybe george was right but because he called me out in the meeting in front of the c e o i'm a little frustrated i'm a little upset and so i go down the hall and start to tell a colleague i want somebody to hear my side of the story and as soon as i say something along the lines of you had problems with george to have been shoe what am i trying to do i'm trying to get there by in to come on my side to take up the sword and fight the good fight help defend me so instead of venting what his problem sounding s same situation i am upset i'm frustrated because georgia's called me out in the meeting it's in from the c e o i'm feeling embarrassed i want to share i'm i just need to talk through it but instead i say to my colleague he's right and that's the frustrating thing he's so brilliant he's so good and that's not my skill set do you think if i went to george he'd help me maybe before the meeting maybe he'd look at my information before we got there so i didn't feel embarrassed so i'm getting input from a trusted colleague but i'm not bashing george and that is one of the key differences because once i try to get somebody on my side factions form and everyone in the organization belongs to a faction with the exception of the top lot of a leader c e o whatever that title is president owner director it's a satellite office the person in charge but everybody because factions are fluid right we communicate we change now they may be based on department but they may be based on any number of things the people who've been there over ten years the people who are six months or less those kinds of factions get created and when we have factions gossip happens leaks right we want to be in  when negative statements leak between groups that can be the beginning of the end if you will because by this time when people are talking about others how do you think people feel so let's just pretend we talked about jill she made a mistake she over promised to a customer jacks up sat and when they hear this kind of thing going on from others in the organization people are talking about them how do you think jack and jill both feel any thoughts or embarrassed frustrated misunderstood and most likely betray you guys are talking about me wow i had no idea that's one of the key pieces in understanding us as individuals is that we don't want to be judged by others right it's sometimes hard to put myself out there because i'm a little concerned that someone will evaluate me in a negative light as it says our hard earned reputations are at risk so now it's going to start to spread and here things take a life of its own take on a life of their own conflict takes a life of its own and jack and jill by this time have both lost control because they feel things are out of control it's usually elevated now sometimes both people go that man in blue on the screen could just as easily be a woman in blue but that's the top level leader that's the person in charge and so they're going to go and say hey you've got to fix this what's that person want well they just want everybody to get along right kanchan figure it out yourself can't you just deal with it on your own unfortunately  time it gets to this person it's too late without some kind of intervention so what happens well in our made up story we're just going to say jack sorry buddy gotta let it go so the organization breathes a collective sigh of relief right jack's gone we don't have to put up with this anymore it's over well you'll notice on your list there's a stage nine now it's not necessarily in a bar but it's definitely off site so a true story a mythical jack met with his team after his germination for th information information revenge he wanted to know was jill going to get her as right he wanted to keep track of what was going on again our friends at gallup say this costs on average companies about thirty four cents of every payroll dollar and i realize that in many organizations you may or may not know what your payroll is but i would guess and you could make a gas or maybe even get that number it's a pretty costly proposition the good news is we can not only preempt it but we can reverse and avoid it so i want to give you a couple live ways you can take back to your workforce a couple of ideas there's many more we just have time to share a couple today because the thing of it is it seems so innocent at first right i don't see any harm what's what's wrong with that i need to vent i'm frustrated my colleague steve gainey calls that clean venting he said what we need to learn to do besides attacking the person is just tell our story one time the temptation is i tell it to one person and i'm going to go down the hall and tell it to somebody else and then at lunch i'm going to involve a third party by four or five o'clock in the afternoon i've told my story six or seven times every time i tell my story the same chemical reactions take place in our body the same upset you know our blood pressure increases those chemicals are released to help me control that and that over time what leads us to disease so if we can uncover these things and making their for there are far reaching consequences visible we can be better off so what determines where you end up on the hostile side of the continuum or on the positive side any guesses what determines where you end up how you end up there attitude could be yes what else any environment maybe communication but quite possibly would you say the companies the families the groups the organizations with the box with money with  abundance i'm seein some no i'm i'm getting that yeah no it's not it is the individual and collective response to frustration somebody said attitude very similar so research says that every day each one of us faces about thirty frustration hopefully you've not seen that one today i'm not sure but what i want you to pay attention to is what was the initial when you saw that and you put yourself in that place what happens what's the  that goes on because that initial thought that assumption drives our emotions and our emotions drive our behavior so when we take the opportunity and we're reflective we are far better served but that requires us to pay attention to our automatic thoughts and that is challenging because most of the time it's easier and sometimes it's frankly way more fun to blame somebody else or blame ourselves so let's talk about what that looks like what it's somebody else's fault  i'm suffering because they're whatever word you want to put in their place this is says their stupidity but they made a mistake and now i'm paying for it inflammatory thinking is words like they always they never they you know them that other group of people it's all their fault they can't change the political election that's going on right now is a crude example i don't care whose side you're on because we get what we get upset we get indented we get hostile flooding by the way is simply the biofeedback term for anger and when we get angry we often avoid the person and attack their reputation or said jack and jill stop talking to one another sharing valuable information that's what can happen no if we blame ourselves the message sounds like or the thought as i did that wrong again i was to put it i knew better i shouldn't have i don't know if this is true for you but i know it has been true for me i've said some things to myself about myself that i say if i said them to my best friend they would no longer be my best friend so we're not always easy on ourselves until we become then depressed hopeless why bother there's no end and so we give up or we withdraw sales are down we blame marketing good people to blame right could be any other group we're just picking on marketing of this example i knew better right i should not have taken this offer was my only option at the time but i shouldn't what if we started looking for the reason what if we assume there is a rational decision behind everyone's action because that is really the way we can remain calm and curious and concerned so let me tell you a story imagine if you will you're at a traffic light there's two lanes the lane that's going your way headed in the direction you are going and the lane that is opposing traffic and as far as your  can see you've got opposing traffic coming at you there's one car ahead of you the light turns green good you're anxious because you're a little late for something doesn't matter what but the car does not move forward as a matter of fact they put their car in park open the front door open the driver's side door get out over the back door and monkey around with something in the backseat you can't see what what might be happening in your vehicle at this time later on the are yes yes that's what i would do any other thoughts where they get the driver's license right box  right yes so what happens later on when you get back home and you think about the incident you might say something like i knew better than to take that way i'd ever it happens to me every time i go that way i should know better right i always get stuck behind the stupid driver it's just my luck so let me ask you a question why would someone do that what could possibly be going on that would cause someone to do what i described emergency absolutely i don't know if everybody heard him up there's a baby in the backseat that was choking so this is based on a true story and a woman w rote in to a local paper because she had her toddler in the back seat that was choking and this driver was terribly rude and obnoxious when he finally could drive around her as traffic cleared rolled down her window hollered out the expletives at her and she just wanted to know there was a very good reason for her action so that's the stance i want to encourage you to begin to think about taking is that there's a baby in the backseat there's a constraint or pressure that's hidden from view and if we can learn to avoid the stinky twins blame others blame self right b l o b s we are far better served so if we can begin to look for the reason an and b that mythical sherlock holmes wonder what's going on why i could this be happening so that's really the difference right the difference between the person who is screaming and swearing or the difference who is moving for the person who is moving forward and going for help is simply an unconscious assumption so if we train ourselves to look and go there first that can make a huge difference now the only in our personal lives but certainly the lives of our organizations because that is really the legacy we leave we think about how people experience us and what we want to experience of others we want to take that first step so over a year right one hundred thousand frustrations i promise you when you leave here today you will face something more than one something so the challenge will be how am i going to respond it's really not the people it's our first assumption thinking right it's thinking that it's their fault or my fault it's that inflammatory they always they never it's when i get angry we create factions or when i'm fearful about what's the potential so the most important habit you bring to the table is your response so let's look at a lesson from history nineteen twenty's and thirty's worldwide economic depression there was a first assumption leader and he guesses who that was blamed people first right he said it's their fault so he began a process of eliminating the people lucky for us we had who want office here f d r right he says not the people it's the poorly regulated stock markets it's our systems that need repairs so he set to work going about repairing the systems the challenge inventing is it's almost like the sugar high right it's an easy way to bond as a matter of fact it's fun and what we know in some cultures it's kind of automatic it's how people are trained how people  initiated into the system it can be a source of entertainment and if you're at a boring job it can be in relief that to some degree so einstein put it this way any intelligent fool can make things bigger more complex and more violent it takes a touch of genius we would add a touch of courage to move in the opposite direction it's hard to go against the grain especially in a group or on a team or i've had some relationships and i talked earlier about that social evaluation threat i don't want anybody judging me i don't want to be thinking ill of me so if i step out not sure i want to do that the other complicating factor is that negative experiences are five times more powerful there the way our brain has kept us alive so mother nature has been endowed has endowed us with a way to keep us safe and always on the lookout for danger the challenge is we haven't in our modern society long enough for our biology to catch up think about it all the time that we've been on earth the time we've spent in our office buildings with our technology is really short compared to all of the time before that where we did face life and death threats on a daily basis right there was that tiger out there there was a warring tribes there was somebody we had to be on the lookout for so consequently our brain is wired that way when we allow pressures at work and when we respond to that empty toilet paper roll or that empty coffee pot or whatever it is that irritates us in the same way we did to a possible threat on our life it prevents us from doing our best work because that small gland at the base of your brain that a big love one that takes over and sends all those messages of flight or fight it stops your has some interesting data when adrenaline of cortisol those bad chemicals right flood our bloodstream that is what leads us to some severe emotional distress when i'm that upset and my heart is racing and beating it up over one hundred beats a minute i don't have the ability to listen why is that because if i'm running for my life i probably don't need that right you've probably heard stories of people trying to call nine one one three numbers and they can't do it on their cell phones because they lose their manual dexterity at that point in time that's why  body's way of keeping us safe yet when we know we get anxious and angry and upset at work these kinds of thing happen so if you need strength and speed allow your amidala to hijack your p f c but most of the time we don't write we want to stay in this place that's positive so how do we that well we know connectedness you see it all that all the time we've got a crisis right now in the state of ours with flint in their water and people are helping i don't know about you but i've seen signs in many community areas you know collecting water for flint there's been advertisement people come together to connect with one another you know is anybody in flint ever going to know that you personally contributed to them having safe clean water no that's not the point it feels good it helps keep to keep us connected so any natural disaster and it's a lot like the helpers the runners high the helpers high is a lot like the runner's high it creates those positive chemical changes in our body that eliminates the negative it's those feelings of euphoria that's often frequent it's often to strangers but think about your teams think about the folks you work with what if we purposely want about creating that ability to connect with one another and really raise that level that would make a big difference simply by practicing gratitude is a way to do that hoops not yet and i'm going to ask you that question yet let's talk a little bit about gratitude i don't know if you have a gratitude practice in your own personal life but on your teams that can be very helpful so what are people i see some hads knotting so people are doing this there's any number of ways one way is to start every meeting with what's good new what are we grateful for i know many families practice this that dinner with their children they have to share one great experience from the day we talked about the negative bias of the brain but negative situations are much more like velcro so we have to create opportunities because positive are much like tough line maybe you are with your group of friends or family recently and have a really good time but having a gratitude practice can allow those positive experiences to be stickier and not slip away like tough one so which behavior is human nature said again writing the one of the right oh yes they are it just depends on what you focus on so the american indian has a saying native american there are two dogs inside of every man the one that dominates is the one that's fed so what are you feeding folks well what are you feeding yourself number one but how are you allowing what are you creating at your workplace or your fostering the negative oriya fostering the positive so we want to be able to look for that constraint or pressure hidden from view is the opposite of blaming and inflaming what we have to read remember is that venting and personality based problem analysis are really the sugar high so what's a sugar high like kind of fun beginning right but two or three hours later so next time somebody comes to your office and to vent here is a solution for you or a suggestion for you that's the easy acronym we can empathize tough spot i want to be in your shoes sorry to hear that kind of thing right we empathize with them thank you appreciation thanks for bringing it to my attention thanks for all you do here whatever it is we're going to appreciate you can put the words together why do you think that would happen what's the constraint or pressure that's hidden from view so you begin a dialogue with the person right we're going to speculate not sure maybe we walk away with an assignment maybe we need to explore what's happening maybe somebody has got to go out and collect some data i don't know we're just guessing at speculation we're wondering if it's true let's go verify the facts and get back together again so this can be an alternative to help you problem solve around a situation so in addition to that baby in the backseat there are four other reasons why problems occur so if we think about the fact that we often sometimes lack a mutual still inside or courage sometimes groups that work don't listen well to one another it was a case of a team an executive team failing to listen to the i t department in the new software rollout and i t said we need more time and we need more dollars and the exec said you always say that no you don't just deal with it well when the software failed it was because they these two groups were not able to initially have that conversation and there was a lack of skill insight or courage there was a team of construction workers and architects to the third bullet performance measures the architects were measured on beauty and design the construction folks were measured on on time and under budget anything wrong with either one of those as schools to the mix well not until again they were able to have some conversations so workflow work process gentleman had an awful process that he had to deal with in terms of estimating companies backlog was ninety days his process involved going from person to person to person and every time he went to one individual he had to go back to the other one no wonder it was taking him forever when he began to chair a weekly meeting processed estimating process backlog dropped from ninety days to organizations there's people are scared and when we have reciprocity and negative reciprocity that can inhibit growth and good dialogue so we know that people will treat like with like in other words it's how i approach someone that will make the difference in research only three percent of the cases say no there is an issue there is something else going on with this individual that will not allow them to meet me is the way i've met them so if i approach the situation in a calm demeanor most ninety seven percent of the time i will be met with calmness back i think that's a pretty good so we know we want to be able to amplify appreciation respect acknowledgement whatever way you do that but i would encourage you to begin today to figure out what that looks like in your own personal life as well as on your team how can i am plus five gratitude because that will make a big difference and then use your emotion as as signals so as i feel that aches and i believe people experience this differently and i've heard people say it starts right here and it kind of goes down the back of my neck or i feel tension in my jaw or it's right in the pit of my stomach were never that is for you learn that it's a signal it's saying hey i need to pay attention and make a different choice so i sat there with surprise who has the first question  her question was do men and women approach this differently there's been some research that would suggest quite possibly but it's been my personal experience as i've shared this with groups and i've worked with both men and women no not so much now maybe women are sometimes more verbal and what we know about maybe women will and that so that wrong men are sometimes more verbal and women have a tendency to maybe hold it in all right i only had one book i guess there's only one question so because you were in the audience today i want to share some things with you so if you have a chance to look at your hand out that one of the left hand side rips off so if you would like the m posters that are can be a reminder to some of the concepts i've shared today please check that box if you are interested in learning more about how you could bring this in more in depth into your organization please check that box and then if you know someplace else i could share this message please check that box and then if you've checked any of the boxes please be sure to put your name and e mail your contact information i need a way to reach you and my colleague michelle would michelle you just want to raise your hands and she'll be by the back door and collect them on your way out so you can know what to do with those so let me just leave you with a couple of thoughts here because as i said you will face a frustration maybe you get behind a car that's not moving so if we can learn some things if we can learn subject meek's you will save yourself so much heartache and trouble if you can remember to look for that baby in the back seat so as soon as you feel irritated get curious instead and then feed the right dog it has been a pleasure spending time with you this afternoon thank you so much and i'm happy to hang around if you had a question you were too shy to risk askin leslie thank you very much i know we all are going to go away with some tools to make us think about mondays just like we do saturday morning so we appreciate you being with us today everyone thank you for coming have a great day