district attorney marian wright thank you for turning in to middlesex updates today we're going to be talking about teenage dating unhealthy relationships and that is in part because february is teen dating violence awareness month and in recognition of that we this month announced the an app that we've created which is an educational tool for teenagers and their parents to use to learn about safe and healthy dating practices that app which is healthy heart matters was debuted earlier this month that the boys and girls club of stone him in wakefield the app was designed by members of our team task force which is a group or t v images from high schools across middlesex county who've come together to really help us talk about some of the things that we're seeing in our cases and most importantly how to do some prevention work on those issues the nicest thing about this app which you can easily go why did the app store it's pre and look at is that it was developed by teenagers for teenagers so it really is a reflection of what they've been seeing either in their own relationships or unfortunately in the relationships of their friends this is a topic that is often hard to get kids to talk about too much it's hard for parents and family members to even think about but is district attorney i had the tragic opportunity to see a number of these cases where violence developed in a relationship and was not addressed until there were some tragic consequences and what we don't realize is that this happens so much more than we know we know that self reported one in ten teenagers finds themselves in that kind of a relationship it cuts across every demographic and it takes lots of different forms whether it's what we probably st think about which is physical violence but it also includes emotional sexual digital mini many different types of things that happened and we know that in the relationship regardless of age the impact of being hurt by someone you've trusted can last for years that's especially true when it happens with teenagers where these may be among the st of their relationships difficult to navigate those relationships in the best of circumstances but when the overlay is of this kind of violence or controlling behavior it's going on it's just so much much harder for teenagers to figure out st of all what should be happening and then what to do if that's not what's happening in their relationship there's also the piece that many of these kinds of behavior particularly as they relate to the social media behavior things that scares me in our media or in our music have become somewhat normalized for kids so part of that discussion has to involve really looking at what can what does a healthy relationship consist of and what is the problem with some of these things and that's what's great about this at is the scenarios that the person using the app goes through are things that actually came from the kids and they are designed to help people take a look at their own relationship really take a step back and think about the things that are occurring there and see whether those are contributing to what we want in a healthy relationship and in part as i mentioned one of the greatest things is the kids talking to kids and that's important because we know that those kids who find themselves in a violent dating relationship only about a rd of them ever report and of those who do report it the vast majority of it report it to their friends so  hope is that this that both educates the teenagers who look at it about their own relationships it empowers their friends if a friend confides in them to have a better sense number one that what's a bad what's not should not be occurring in a relationship and number two what kind of resources are out there for people and we all turn hope is that taking a look at this app will spark the kind of conversations that we hope are happening at the dinner table in the car between parents and kids and looking at this topic today from a variety of perspectives i'm very happy to have joining us on my left allies the hopkins from the community service coordinator at respond which has been a wonderful  relationship violence and to respond in the moment to those crises so some of the things that we do we work with people across all demographics because as you said relationship violence affects everyone all different ages backgrounds and so we offer a variety of different resources like our twenty four hour hotline which is staffed always by a trained domestic violence counselor so you're speaking with a human when you're when you're calling when we offer case management individual counseling support groups really things to create community among survivors and then also providing educational pieces to doing outreach in schools connecting with communities through different organizations thank you joe i'm not sure i mentioned we did you this at the boys the boys and girls clubs met not sure when people hear about boys and girls club they're always thinking about your interest in these kind of topics and tell us a little bit about that yeah so i mean  we have we have kids you know we serve kids obviously in multiple communities and i personally work with kids who are ages well grades th grade to th so you know there's a lot of different things that we try to focus on and you know we have focus groups you know different things like that leadership activities in there's a multitude of different topics that come up and you know this app really shine some light on you know some of the you know the things that go on teenagers and you know going through to do the basics especially with relationships is on a new level and this app has been great so far you know we downloaded this app about a week and a half before the launch party to get our kids acclimated with it and in their after school when you have the kids tumbling in and tell us just a little bit about what you hear from the kids in the day to day about busy relationships like aside from the app what kind of questions do they bring to you about where they're finding themselves everything so you know from you know what they can expect to find in relationships you know and keep in mind this is i'm getting these questions from th graders if it is in just kind of getting their feet wet and you know trying to figure out you know what to do what they do like what they don't like  and you know it's a lot of figuring know what they're supposed to do in a relationship you know calling you know two hundred and forty seven text messages you know you supposed to talk all day long is it ok if you go an hour without speaking to one the statistics are in really really high so one in three teenagers by the time they graduate high school will experience some sort of physical or sexual violence in a dating relationship and young women who are ages eighteen to twenty four are more than twice the national average at risk into a partner violence so with that you know young people are learning how to be adults you know starting from very young ages and so if you think that unhealthy relationships have healthy behaviors are normal those are going to carry on like way into adulthood which will cause other issues for them for their families communities down the line so it's important to identify what those healthy behaviors are maintaining boundaries  you know communicating respecting privacy those are all important but also it's important to identify those in your partner that can be really challenging if you're if you just hear what you know what is communication what does that look like in your particular relationship nd you also have to find ways to assert yourself in the relationship and i can be really difficult for adults but then especially in your st relationship that's going to be really took hold and then finding ways to not just demand that of your partner but then also to enact those healthy behaviors yourself which if you're only receiving toxic behaviors from your partner it's going to be really challenging to be able to model that yourself you know  teenage indicators so for parents or family members what are the signs they should be looking for and be concerned about in their kids it is for friends as well you know for sure so overall i respond we like to define our relationship violence as really coming down to two things power and control so it's a pattern of abusive behaviors that happens over time where one partner is consistently and intentionally exerting power and control over the other partner and so that can look different from the inside from a teen's perspective and then also from the outside from my friends or family members or teachers perspective so some of the signs like you said are being kind of more withdrawn from the teens perspective feeling kind of put down or belittled maybe feeling guilty that they're not texting as much or you know i think they don't feel really feel comfortable in the relationship and maybe aren't able to put a finger on it but the another pieces jealousy kind of feeling like their partner is constantly jealous or keeping tabs on them that there's some sort of like an unhealthy power dynamic there from the outside it can be a little bit trickier as you said but some of the warning signs are the teen becoming more withdrawn may be changing their their habits or behaviors oftentimes like minimizing or denying that their partner's behaviors are abusive or even unhealthy so that's that's something to definitely look at and then also watching whether  if you're able to see the two people interact whether the abusive partner it's kind of outloud putting down the person or if you see any sort of like negative dynamics there and what about the things that checking the other person social media e mails or phone without their permission that's a huge invasion of privacy and that's one of the things that's actually really difficult for kids to understand in general because you know everything's on the internet everyone shares  but if that thing is kind of consistent and again like it's happening over time and one person is consistently having more power and control over the other that is definitely a warning sign so joe one of the things that was great about this app was we had students especially the students with greater lowell technical high school help us do the actual mechanics of creating the app and one of the things that we heard from the kids was that there were no other more effective ways really to communicate with the kids you know they're not it's a big issue that we deal with of the boys and girls club you know we try to keep the kids as active as poss but the truth of the matter is these kids are glued to their phones twenty four seventh's you know we have relationship changes within a day like you know i have you know i have one kid came in and he's adding this person and then when they leave at the end of the day they're dating this person in mind you none of the communication involved in the entire process happens face to face even though they're sitting five feet away from one another you know it's happening over snap chat or you know instagram chats or text messages or face time literally sitting right next to one another and god forbid you leave someone open on snapchat that's that's the end of the world the start of world war three  everything with these kids happens over social media or on the phone and i think that you know coming up with this app expression app for teens created by teens you know catering right to the need to put it right on the phone with something educational they can look at keeping it nice and simple to one screen it's very easy for them to use and you know through well as a what do you think about ways we hope the begins this but encouraging teenagers to be aware of in self critical both of their own relationships and their relationships their friends or because as we all know when you're in high school you live in each other's pocket especially now they're in contact constantly how do we grow that ability to be looking at thinking about what's happening and then to be good or to be assertive for yourself yeah so there are different steps that you can take as either our friend kind of looking to help your friend or teacher or parent this was a huge step that you came to me i trust you and we're going to figure this out so just letting that team know that they're not alone because even though if you're in constant communication that can see him from the outside like oh they must not feel alone that kind of constant communication if it's unhealthy can really cause isolation so that's the st stop the nd is you know finding those partnerships in your community finding those resources doing your homework so you know finding the boys and girls club that's like engaged and ready to jump in and making those connections for your friend or for the teen in schools really trying to reconnect the teen into the community to make them realize that there's more of the world than just really toxic relationship and if it comes forward to either your groups it is reporting that kind of relationship or telling you about somebody else they're concerned about it fred what kind of resources are you offering to them with where  ok what are you feeling right now what are some steps that we can take right now to make you feel a little bit better or to help you plan for your friend and so creating like a safety plan or an action plan in the moment is really good and then helping follow through in the moment so trying to whatever promises that we make or that a friend makes making sure to keep them is really is really spot on and something that i've really enjoyed recently kind of going back to the community aspect is right now i'm running a support group a girl support group out of memorial high school funded by the shannon mira foundation and it's really great for me as an educator to both be able to pass on information in a way that's kind of more intimate casual but then also see the girls get to connect with each other and start talking and opening up kind of cross different social groups in the high school and sharing stories of abuse that oftentimes can like resonate with each other y all one of the one of the biggest aspects about the boys and girls club there's so many organizations within our communities that to such great work with the kids but i think you know one of the things that separates the boys and girls club from other organizations is the meaning for olution ships that we build with or at least try to build with our members you know kind of puts us in a you know a little bit of a different situation with the kids where you know they might feel a little bit more comfortable you know coming to one of us and you know talking about these situations the most important thing for us is communication all around you know making sure that st of all before we even get into any type of conversation they understand obviously were mandated reporters and if we feel like they're in danger you know the communication is going to go up not you know your parents will be involved in you know making sure that you're safe is number one but obviously think you you know for coming and talking to me obviously you're here you're talking to me that means you trust me obviously i trust you let's figure out something that you know we can do to make this work and make sure that you're ok you know one of the things we heard from some of the teachers as we were working on this is that even when they have a relationship that or they see a relationship that they're concerned about they understand that there is some attachment if you don't like certain behavior there's some attachment to that person in the relationship if they're often afraid that if they tell anyone they tell their family the response is going to be that it does and so they tolerate certain behavior because they don't completely want to break off that contact and what's your recommendation for for family members in that circumstance where your  instinct may very well be to say that's it i did you never going to see them again you're never going to talk to them online or in person again i mean it so like i said in the beginning a lot of the time the kids are you know trying to figure out what a relationship is what they're supposed to be doing often times i'd like to you know ask them very basic questions in the st place in you know well what do you like about this person you know what joy do they bring to you you know what what are some of the good things because a lot of times when a teen you know will come to talk to me it's like they do this and they do this and you know all like lists of negative things about well what happened is they bring you like you know trying to figure out just asking very simple questions because believe it or not those very simple questions can you know start the the thinking process and get you know the wheels churning in their heads and say ok well you know now that you mention that this doesn't make sense well this doesn't make sense just talking them through that process because sometimes it's right in front of them they just need a little bit of help getting their oil kind of from the domestic violence standpoint most relationship violence follows what we call the cycle of violence so it can change a start off with  kind of a tension building phase so the survivor or the teen might feel like they're walking on eggshells there's a little bit of tension in the relationship eventually that will kind of spike to an explosion where some sort of abusive event occurs whether it's physical or emotional and then it'll oftentimes die down swing into what we call the honeymoon phase and so if things are kind of back to normal everything's great at this point the abusive partner might be apologizing promising it will never happen again  in this kind of pattern of abuse it'll swing back into the tension building phase and so it's important as people who are responding family members friends to recognize that it's not all going to be kind of crisis mode all the time and it's not all going to be happy and to meet the teen where they're at and to kind of help them navigate their own way because ultimately when they become adults they're going to have to search figuring these relationships out for themselves and so building these strong tools of identifying these patterns was really really in opening up those conversations with something as simple as you know how are you feeling what can i do to help and in terms of what facilitates that conversation you mentioned the support group with women talking together what about the young men is it just as important that we be offering those to the programs so whatever a programs you one run for the boys that we have we run for the girls so you know just like we have girls groups we have boys groups they meet obviously different times of the week and there's different topics that we talk about with the different groups but we try to make sure that we have as many resources available to all of our members as we can we have stuff posted in nineteen rooms we have groups that we run we obviously have both female and male mentors available at all times so these kids we really try to treat it as one you know just make sure that they have as many resources available to them as possible and what about the education of folks about just good like what kind of resources do we need to be offering kids about that so that they know many times you know when something terrible is happening there are lots of people who then say well like i saw this we knew that how important is that it is that the people are coming forward with that kind of information i mean the bystander effect is really real so everyone kind of thinks like oh someone else will jump in like it's not my place to really you know stick my nose into and but you know if you see someone hurting it is your place to at least check in with the person you don't have to you know file a huge report you know make a big deal but check in with the person that's the kind of community building that we want to see throughout our country and so it can start with those those little questions and in terms of education really making sure that people feel comfortable coming into uncomfortable situations and offering love offering support they can be really challenging to just kind of like step into something that might feel like it's not your business but you know ultimately a healthier relationship here is going to breed a healthier relationship here and it should spread and i always tell our kids if you're concerned about a loved one or a friend in you think you should be doing something chances are you should be doing something and never hesitate on that the bystander effect literally can be the difference between you know someone being hurt and you know them getting the help that they need and you know we try to educate these kids as best as we can you know that way you know the bystanders are just as educated as the people going through it so that way you know it's kind of like a circle and you know everyone can help one another but it's very very important crucial if you see something make sure you at least talk to the person and go to a you know a mentor that you trust or someone that you trust and get advice on you know what to do next it's very very important so you talked a little bit earlier about seeing these questions coming up in relationships th graders and i'm not sure we always think about kids at that age as being in relationships or having this dating life but for parents and for family members when we want them to start having th conversations as early as you can the more educated these kids can get the better you know you know i'm not saying you go through everything and anything but you know these kids are  to go through these things at a younger and younger age and it's important that they're educated you know even if they're not going through it they know what to do in case you know some of these things happen as young as they can and  small like you know how are your friends how are you like how are your other relationships as anyone else in your friend group dating like has started to be a thing yet and then you know going going small so with any sort of education of kids about relationships friends relationships to those can have some of the seeds of the toxic behaviors that can then spread to dating relationships so talking with your with your teen or your child about those friends relationships you and how those are going can really help set the stage for healthier dating relationships and then just not being afraid to kind of get your hands dirty that if your kid you know wants to start talking just go for  it and if you're if you're uncomfortable just you can label that so this isn't like the easiest conversation for me but you know i just want to make sure you're ok and this is coming from a place of love and fortunately we're at a time but i want to thank our guests today i've enjoyed this conversation with allies or with joey and thank you for being with us as i mentioned our app which is healthy heart matters is available in the app store for apple devices and we're hoping that it provides some good information to our teenagers and also spark some good conversations at home so they get you for tuning in and i look forward to seeing you again on another episode of middlesex updates