wasn't raped fortunately she too is a victim and i think you really need to hear what she has to say because it really brings it home all right i'm so happy she posted it in the creative commons let's take a look to start this by saying i'm one of the lucky ones i haven't been r in being accused of attacking a lot of women  very recent one with kevin spacey and a young man i hear people say why now why are victims speaking out now why didn't he asking that somehow discredits that we were victimized and it makes us more afraid to bother to speak out ever off the top of my head i can name you a dozen times that i have been sexually assaulted some of them are so mundane that some people would say they're not  there was the time and eighth grade that i was walking to class and jason as i walked by he reached out and grabbed my breast that wasn't the first time i had been grabbed but that was the first time i had been so randomly i went and told my teacher she confronted him and he said it was an accident and that he bumped into me in the hallway she told me to try not to let it bother me and it was nothing she could do that he said it was an accident there was the time in high school ninth grade where i shared a table with eric a kid i had grown up with since elementary school and for some reason he decided to be very funny to take a ruler and slowly and carefully under the table decided to poke me in the crotch with it i was mortified and i told him i would castrate him if he ever said another fucking word to me or touched me again can tell you i actually felt bad he thought it was just a joke and he was in a place between being caught off guard by how upset it made me and trying to defend himself i told the teacher he told me there was nothing he could really do about it and that i just need to sit at a different table the next day there was this time that i went to beach with family friends i was in as the summer after sixth grade and there were a number of us kids on the trip and a number of adults and there was an outdoor shower when walls hallway around a door latch on the inside that closes and i was taking a shower and i realized that the man and one of the men who i had gone on the trip with was watching me shower through a hole he was in his forty's i was twelve he was watching me i don't know how long he had been watching i backed against the wall and told him he needed to leave it took him a couple minutes before he did take me a lot longer than that to feel like i was safe later when i was fourteen that same family friend told me that he wishes he could lick my toes but you know that guy he's a family man he's got children he has grandchildren he's a good neighbor and a good community citizen there was that time when i was seventeen and i had a boyfriend and there was a big school of and and after the school that was over a number of us spent the night together girls and guys mixed bag we all slept in one room together it was supposed to be a really fun night and because it wasn't allowed to sleep ever it was supposed to be safe my boyfriend and i had kissed you know we were seventeen we had not been unclothed together we had not slept together i woke up in the morning and my boyfriend was up against me and he had his penis pulled out and he was hard and he was rubbing himself against my arm and my hip i was laying on my stomach and he had his hand on  hadn't done anything like that and i started praying in my head he would stop any further and i didn't want to have to embarrass him i didn't want to have to admit how awkward it was to wake up to that so i just prayed he would stop and there was this time that made me realize that i was lucky i was lucky i wasn't rate that maybe i was even lucky i wasn't murdered i was twenty i had ben and a serious relationship for about two years my girlfriend and i lived in the house together she had lived there before me i moved in with her and one night we had about him stay right there and we all had a good time just hanging out together for the night when i woke up in the morning everybody had left for either school or work except for me and as i went downstairs i realized that i was actually not home alone one of the guys one of the guys who is still there he's a guy we've known for a long time especially my girlfriend he actually was the boyfriend of like two or three years of this really fabulous girl that we knew narrow and he and a couple of his buddies from out of town were still at the house what wasn't really my house even though i lived there it wasn't really my house to say i don't want you here hey buddy anyhow when i woke up and realized they were still there my gut told me to get out my gut told me i'm in a house with three guys who are older than i am by a few years only one of whom i now and none of them i know that well gut said get out my brain said don't be that girl don't don't be that girl that every x and thinks that all guys are rapist and feels like she can't be safe or her own suddenly i realized it was silent outside have never experienced before or since such an intense silence while with the television is on again my stomach told me it was not right within just a moment they came into the living room and and within seconds they were standing over me and they told me they'd come because they knew what i had done and i told them i didn't know what what they were talking about and they said they knew what i had done and i just need is to confess at this point i'm actually in no way i wasn't even scared i was hit i don't know what you're talking i don't do anything he said we know better i don't care i don't care if you know better you're allowed to think whatever you want unless you're going to tell me what i did what stop playing this game felt like in a matter of seconds they had me flipped over that couch they got me down  they had bandanas or something and the time arms together behind my back anything just don't get me the three of them picked me up in here and me to a different room and they put me in a chair and they kept telling me that i needed to confess to what i had done scream you i'm confident that's the attitude i wanted to give them because i was afraid that if i showed them my fear that they would do worse things to me they would take too much gratification it when they got done spinning me they asked me again to confess what i had done he said they couldn't and they knew i couldn't because they were making everything they pulled my shirt  they took the tip of something pointy and ran it across my neck up and down my arms took some sort of liquid some sort of thick liquid and they were up to it across my face and my neck i told them they needed to stop pulling my shirt this went on somewhere between a half hour to an hour when the game got awarded to them they decided to take off the blindfold and dump me out of the chair into the floor and and then the one that i knew he started spanking me and i was just so done your girlfriend would not appreciate this very much and he stopped and he got off me and he looked me to him face and said what are you going to tattle on me close my door and i locked it i went to the bathroom close the door unlocked it i looked at myself and realise what they said was a knife had been nothing more than a pen had inclines crossed my neck and my body the liquid was probably lotion i was still scared i went in the shower and i turned it on just like you see in television the movies me i looked out my window to see if i could see them i sat in my room for fifteen minutes or better listening for any signs of them i was afraid they weren't done was it my fault for being there i could have stopped them i reluctantly told him what had happened a shorter version you just got all the time for years after that if mark and i were wrestling playing around and he grabbed me by the wrist i told my girlfriends what happened and they felt horrible for me they were angry that it happened but when it was their birthday he was invited because it was too weird and awkward not to because he would have to explain to his girlfriend what happened i was told that i just needed to forgive him and let it go because while it sucked there was nothing that could be done about it i've had girlfriends that were raped who were told that it was their boyfriend or that they had been drinking and that they had asked for it they've been told that it's going to be he said she said and the burdens on her to prove it i don't victims come out you know i asked mark one time if he had ever been assaulted or abused i thought if nobody ever asked a guy why would a guy ever come out are a lot of people also say know who have been a lot of people never get asked and a lot of people are afraid to come forward for hours before sitting down here right now i feel sick to my stomach the thought of making this video because what if that guy finds out that i told the story of what he and his friends did to me well my girlfriends think is me coming out a betrayal to them because this involves a lot of people and only those guys did that to me but this ro boats family members see this they're going to ask mark awkward questions this puts mark and weird situation why don't victims speak up why does it take years for victims to have the strength to speak up the thing is i'm not special most of the things that have happened to me are such a normal part of life as a female and possibly as a male too they were expected not to speak up if someone grabs our body you need to let it go i'm not special this happens to lots of us as it happened to you me too