man story it brings all the joy and wonder of our lives back together one more time it also brings back some of the more challenging moments but i'm sure each of us here this evening could probably say the same thing so let me see where should i begin remembering forgetting remembering again projecting again there are so many special memories i want to share and i want to honor each one of them but i must confess at times i get maust or confused when i'm with marion and these notes i have helped me to find my way back to her and also to me so i hope you will understand if i only refer to them to help guide me on this journey during the past few years it's been an endless cycle of trying to navigate these waters of memory with mary often times it seemed like one or both of us has been lost trying to maintain contact in these murky an ever changing tides this challenging journey has evoked many memories for both of us but there is one in particular which keeps floating up to the surface from my childhood the image which is quite vivid it was from my tenth birthday party when i had just i'm wrapped the gift that i've been dreaming about for months it was everything i imagined but so much more over the next few days weeks and months i played with it and loosely continuing to create new ways to use it and transform and looking back now it seemed like nothing else matter and as long as i had this gift then life was good and would always be good now i realize what i may say now may seems simplistic but it is still true to this very day that burst a gift recollection is what it was like when i first met and fell in love with marian and even more so when she fell in love with me for years my heart belonged to mary and even when she was dating buddy it was clear the two of them were head over heels in love with each other and everybody in our small town mccook nebraska knew it truth be told never for one another brought joy to everybody around them including me didn't mean that i gave up my feelings for her but i was then and still am a very practical man i dated other girls in high school which was quite pleasant but there was never the same magic because there was with mary and i also knew that if i returned home from the insanity and destruction of fighting for our country during the korean war then i would probably finish college marry one of those girls and settle down in our hometown i also knew that when buddy would return he and marion would probably do the same thing and i'd be pleased for them because i would want them and her to be happy but regrettably but he was shot down after a successful bombing run his body was returned to mccook for a fallen heroes funeral and he would always be remembered with a monument in the center of my love for marian had not diminished a single iota during this time but because i did love her so much i would never have considered approaching her i would always honor what she and buddy had and would probably always have but then in the fall two plus years after the war ended marian came into the bank one day where i was working as a junior finance officer and we looked at each other in a new way she was as beautiful as i remembered but even more so there was so much i wanted to say but i was still immersed in my banker self so i blurted out hello marian it's good to see you how can i help you it was definitely not the most romantic greeting in the world and i still can't explain quite what happened except that it was like being ten years old again and it was my birthday and i just opened the gift i'd been dreaming about for years she was everything i remembered but more so much i could not create anything more wondrous than what we had discovered in the moment and began to create with one another and that moment grew into a very special relationship we began to date one another enjoying each other's friendship as well as all our friends but it was so special just to be with her all that changed one night i mean went dancing as we loved to do  i can still remember the moment as though it were happening all over again right now the music had stopped and i began to walk off the dance floor still holding her hand and she didn't move the other dancers seemed to disappear slowly from around us and it was as though we were all alone on the dance floor she held my hand tightly and i turned towards her wondering what had happened marian what's the matter edmund i love you oh she she had never said those words before and like i couldn't move or even speak it seemed like the world came to a stop and i was in a complete loss as to what to say or do next then from a place within me that i had never known before i whispered but i felt like shouting or singing i love i love you to the moment it was then joyfully magnified over and over again in so many ways throughout our lives together with the birth of each of our children and then sarah and in so many other ways and that's not to say we didn't experience challenges and hardships along the way over the next several years and decades but as long as we had each other and life was complete and blessed what else would we need or would we have or need even when the girls got married there was a time of adjustment with their husbands but when the children were born  brought a whole new joy and wonder into our lives there were times i remember when marian and i would take a long trip when she would reflect on how many blessings we had in our lives and then she pause to remind me always to appreciate what we had and never to be complacent about it just remember adm and never take any of this for granted because we don't know how long it will be  ours oh you're right marion you're absolutely right as you usually are as much as i said that i i don't think i ever fully allowed myself to believe let alone accept it and that's not to say i'm not a practical man because when it comes to managing financial matters in the practical operations of life i am very focused accomplished and successful but then a day came when the world changed in a way that all my focus accomplishments and success could not change or prevent sweet marian began to disappear it's difficult for me to explain so that it makes sense to anyone because it still doesn't make sense to me and for me making practical sense of things is what life is all about the way i think about it is she began to fade away slowly and then disappear in her place somebody else began to move in even as i say this i realize how bizarre it must sound but it was and still is true there were times when we were in conversation and she would inadvertently call me buddy and then immediately as oh she were trying to retrieve her words she would call me edmond again over the next few months this increased but we learned how to pretend it didn't happen not to say i didn't notice naveh reaction to it but i would tell myself she was still my marion and always would be at first we all adopted to this bump in the road without speaking about it but eventually the children began to notice how much more often she was in another world there were times when they were more cautious about leaving the grandchildren alone with her which was certainly understandable and as usual it was marian who had the courage to address this bump more openly she was the courageous one who spoke to our family doctor and who recommended that we visit a specialist over the next few years we all learned how to adapt to this change in marion i must admit that it was quite painful which was compounded by the fact that the one person in whom i trusted most was fading away far far away but it was much more important that i be there for her because she was my marian and my marian deserved everything i could give her but the day came when i painfully realized that no matter how much i loved her no matter how much and how successful i was in the rest of my life i could not bring her back it was late in the afternoon when i came home from having run an errand over to sarah's house to pick up an album of photographs from years gone by marian was standing in the middle of the living room looking magnificent it stopped me in my tracks with a flood of cherished memories and for one moment she was mine marian again but as i went to give an embrace she handed me the clock from our bedroom where the rushing stream of demands and in a moment we were maust in a flood of in comprehensible wants none of which seemed to make sense at least to me look at this clock body how could we be on time if we have to depend on this clock that is the right time marry him if you want me to change it i will have a time he wanted to be not up to me what time it is it's simply not right it will be things going wrong now i time and space beyond my control understand but it don't go what did they do to you what happened to my sweet buddy i told you i am not your buddy do you understand going to get out of here it's all right buddy you don't have to be afraid anymore i know what's going on it's that letter the dream i know i know all about it but you don't have to worry anymore they're safe buddy they're all alive the town the hall everyone there all safe no more planes no more bombs no more missions it's all over now you're back home body are is it real or is it something anything anything to help me find my way to what's what we've lost even during the war it oh i'm sorry mary i'm so sorry i can't do with anymore i don't know how to find you you're so far away us that you wouldn't always be i just can't remember anymore where did we go what did we do or who were members we were edmond please turn it off are you listening edmund and where are you you seem like you're a thousand miles away please turn the engine off i can't think what  say i'm not ready to go yet i want to stay here for a while and i need to make sense of it of what the doctor said i think we should go home now mary we move we can't sit here in the parking lot it doesn't  said i think we should go home mary and we will talk about it they're making some tea it'll help people i don't want to go home now i don't want to relax i want you to answer my question marion doesn't know everything there's lots of doctors who still don't understand that's been promised me please i think i think i don't always remember everything right i know i have something to tell you but you have to promise me you won't get mad i'm sorry about it  really am sorry there is nothing to be sorry about mary edmond are you going to promise me or not promise mary and i promise i won't get mad i didn't tell the doctor everything but i have to tell you now and you have to listen to me and and you have to believe me do you understand yes mary and i think so sometimes sometimes i don't think i always remember our precious grandchildren j j and lucy what do you mean mary my diary i've been trying to write things in my diary so i don't think that sounds like a very good idea please don't interrupt me mary mary and you all right let me take you home now marian where are you where did you go it's but if i'm ready marion i'm ready to go to the dead snow day i want to know a body but he went away i don't think he ever came back i'm sorry i was away for so long mary but i'm glad to be back home now  you look as beautiful as i always remember beautiful enough to go to  i haven't danced for a long time i used to love to dance but i don't think i should go out right now it will be d hello marianne it's good to see you so very i promise no no way you changed