i am dr heidi weinhold and you are watching asked the nature of today my guest is alice teagarden the bereavement counsellor for the denial hospice in washington pennsylvania and also for the hospice care of washington hospital our topic today is coping with the stress and grief during the holidays welcome alex thanks for having me thank you for being here alice as happy and joyful as the holidays can be for so many people a lot of folks are are dealing with loss and the holidays can trigger grief for people who have lost a loved one even if it's a year ago triggers memories what are some of the techniques that you use in your counseling to help people deal with their grief well i think for the purposes of our conversation we should start by defining grief far that great is the response we go through when something near and dear is taken from us and we respond emotionally physically spiritually we have a lot of different things that happened because of that loss now for the purposes of our conversation the loss a death of a lot of one yes that's our primary loss not only do you have the loss of a loved one though you have the secondary loss to come along with it and some of those things have a lot to do with the holidays such as these are the people we spend that time with maybe this is the person that way he sat with the church every sunday and then that whole day is christmas eve s maybe grandfather sat in the same chair every thanksgiving or christmas now grandfather is and they are to sit in the chair anymore so when you're grieving you have things like i said that goes with grief or like something that nobody knows till they've been there so you take although this a cold challenges along with just the overall stress of coping with the holidays just got some moral extra things to have to deal with plus you might even be dealing with something such as a change in a physical financial aspect if you were a person that didn't really have to look at financial boundaries and now because of the loss of this parson in your life maybe you have financial boundaries for the holidays this year that you've never had before maybe you're suddenly thrown into the category of mother and father  again difficult because you are worried learning your role as a parent and coping with those things in addition to the normal holiday rush  ignore them and i don't know how effect of that's going to i don't either of you go into the stores they are early and all those things are up then you're supposed to be getting ready for the holidays they're on the to more physical disease like a lot of people don't talk about it but you know even we had people on from really different for heart for heart care for heart health and heart diseases is correlated a lot with depression if you really get to them and asked them questions about when this started it's interesting a lot of them started after a loss of a loved one and there's a lot of depression or or trauma or shock that happened even years ago but it it's it's a hard day and like me said ignoring it isn't really the answer they've actually done research that has shown that the people that give them so permission to lean towards their great give them self permission to grieve feel it's going to layer and eventually the grief is going to come back you can't get away with it forever like a bubbling pot a def you can play the lead on it is and even if you don't ignore it on purpose let's say maybe you or a young adult and you have a parent that die and the surviving parent is that we're always sure how to do all this grief stuff and their attitude might be well we're just going to put the pictures away we're just going to ignore it and pretend like it didn't happen because we want life to get on you oil very possibly find as an adult that as those holidays approach and planning begins that you start to have anxiety and distress and you might not even realize what it is at first so ignoring it is not always isn't a good option but you will find people that do that now i don't never sit in judgment of anybody and how they choose to grieve because i  often said even though i've done this work for close to twenty nine years i'm an expert no one to grief but my own i've had wonderful teachers because i've had a lot of people that are grieving literally thousands talk to me about what it feels like to be them if someone is ignoring their grief during the holidays that's certainly their decision but again like you were saying i'm like i'm saying i don't know that that's a best option i don't think it's the best option but i think it's  very common and that specially in this country i don't think we do grief well we don't we don't nobody we don't talk about it we really don't have to be that we lived in a society where you were blocked if you were grieving or an arm band or had a certain really thought on your door or even where you had the funeral in your home or the viewing in your home and a therapist now you can't tell who's hurting and who needs an extra hug or that extra attention no society as a whole does not acknowledge grief you're given three days off from work that's an expected to return to the way you did before you left and that's not world where it really now it isn't but as a not bake this year even though in years past you bake to bake to beg and it's ok to not send christmas cards if that is particularly painful for you to sign your name without that loved one thing one of the other options there are three options ignoring them keeping them exactly the same is one off so that one also doesn't exactly work for a while because what happens is you are repeating things over and over and over again wanting them to be the same only to find out they are never going to be the same again and i tell people that work upfront if i didn't i would lose my credibility they are never going to be the same people there is no sense in protecting that can you feel happy again will you feel half begin and enjoy life yes you will but the beginning progression of the age of events that is that everybody is angry that everybody is in denial everybody get depressed is just not true and i think one that's one of the things that is so very difficult  is that we can't give someone an exact formula for how they should do thing so that they can feel better but expressing yourself and talking about with the people that you trust does help now the third option is the one that i typically encourage and that is keeping the things that in your family are the most dear and near to you and changing the other things not doing them  maybe if yours was a family that everyone had assigned seating for certain meal maybe this is the year to do a buffet so that you're not looking at the empty chair that's a good idea clearly like yes it spent some time with a mother who's young son this was many many years ago had died and she was very warm about pointing to the stalking stop there were three children and she said do i put his stocking up or do i not do it while he's still part of your family so the decision was made put to no well then she was concerned about what does she put in the stocking so it wasn't as simple as if they get put up or not what she finally came up with and i think this was just so wonderful was she wrote a letter to each child including her child that had died about what the year had been and  how she had enjoyed aspects of their life and for the child to die she talked about what she had lost that year how she felt like she had lost a part of our hopes and dreams when she lost him and she did this she continued to do this for years later so she kept us off things but she didn't put the exact same things in the but she also did something that helped to promote her healing as well as her family when when is it i think some people get that obsessed about that they get in a cycle like there's there's a point where there's healthy grieving and then there's a point where they just they can't let go or they can't for the people that there is such a clinical term chronic morning i think one of what i tell my folks said i'm working with at the point where your grief is interfering with your every day functioning of i don't like to use the word normal because then that implies there's an abnormal aspect of gr typical responses may be anger fear crying irritability if you're finding that any of those responses are interfering with your every day functioning because of the severity of them if your anger is pushing people away yeah it's crossed the line and it's not unusual to be angry that a loved one has died can be very confusing to people because they may not have ever felt that korea banker before i do what are some things to help them process their anger say i do think that's that's common or even maybe anger directed even towards other family members  are you angry with me or are you angry with camps or are you angry with the heart attack this type of thing because i want the times people don't even realize they're presenting his side and they need the opportunity to say you know what you're right i'm not angry i'm very angry today alice this is such good information we were going to pause for for a break for a commercial phone we come back are also going to discuss  natural remedies that can be used to help with grief and stress during the holidays stay with as a parent i know one of the most important time to be with your children is when they are for many families is a place they can go to find the support they need ronald mcdonald house charities programs provide that supportive environment so families can be together while their children hi welcome back i'm your host dr heidi weinhold and you're watching asked the nature nature of bath my guest today is alice teagarden the bereavement counsellor for washington hospice and pennsylvania and also denial house today's topic is coping with stress and grief during the holidays in alice i just wanted to mention a couple natural remedies that that i use in my practice for for patients that will not interfere with medications and that they want drugs the person it's just they're very gentle they're much gentler but effective and one of the most common remedies that i recommend for people is actually it's a homeopathic remedy called ignatius and ignatius the homeopathic is just made from the plants and what it does is it really helps with anyone that has suffered from grief loss heartache and the trauma of the stress of the grief and that maybe they're not sleeping at night this remedy really really does help but just kind of helps them release it and let it go and i really find homi up with the is so helpful specially used in conjunction with with counseling but the but this is one of the common remedies to other remedies i just want to mention quickly is homeopathic stuff a cigarette it sounds like a scary but it's is made out of a plant but this is really good for guilt for a lot of people that have guilt after a loved one has passed or suppressed anger that just kind of helps them to to express it and the other one is a common one is just some a m and homeopathic gel some in is great for any type of anticipatory anxiety and you mentioned that a lot of people especially women are that they've lost their husbands and they're in financial situations a lot of them experience anxiety maybe they have to go back to work for the first time  go on an interview in a really helps before a job interview or maybe even before dealing with your in laws just to take like a dose of of homeopathic gel some him is great and we have these there and it's inexpensive it's less than ten dollars for a homeopathic remedy and we have the med at our office and we make a little pill they're actually they're little pellets they're sublingual they just dissolve dissolve under the tongue and they don't interfere with with medications and another great remedy or that of the box flower remedies and one in particular is called walnut and this is a liquid you can get this over the counter they even have it at a giant eagle they have it at our local health food stores you just add it to water and it really helps people with with transitions just helps them to to let go and we just have them take a daily there's a combination remedy that called bach flower rescue remedy that's really popular and that's been around for over one hundred years but it really helps with stress and anxiety you take it the same way just just drop it in water but it really helps like a bed time to help people just kind of relax and go to sleep it just helps with things id it won't take away a panic attack but it will lessen its duration so it's these these are great to use in conjunction with with the counseling and i just wanted to mention that i really have had patients of my that have experienced your spirits loss of their loved ones during the holidays and they've participated in your group counseling sessions and all of them have benefited from the experience and i just wanted you to speak a lick a bit about that and also that the these group counseling sessions are available at the did now house the daughter know house is actually a part of hospice care of the washington hospital hospice care or has a home care program where we go into the homes of patients that have life threatening your own affairs with nursing counseling social work support certified nursing assistant support the emphasis of course is on palliation which is we want comfort and symptom management for patients after a patient would die there ten years is that a patient bed facility every patient has their own worm their own bathroom their own patio family can stay there with them the facility is used for what's called in patient care if we cannot manage those symptoms and provide comfort management at home and we need to have some extra support for that then the patient can utilize the  of being a caregiver yes it is very very difficult to be a caregiver twenty four hours a day and sometimes caregivers need a break so we have respite where the patient can come in once a month for five  typically what their insurance so far except their insurance covers and yes everything except for seven dollars a day so there's a thirty five dollars co pay now back to medicare each individual insurance has their own gone for what they'll pay for with a respite but it's unusual that they don't is this that is such a beautiful service and i wish i had known about that when you know i was taking care or of my father who had all and he suffered from all simers for over seven years and it at the very end he he he fell in the driveway and he shattered his is tail bone and he spent his last few days at the dyno house and we were so impressed with the facility and when we came in i mean for people that have never seen it it's beautiful it's like it looks like an old air or an old dude or a mansion and they have these beautiful courtyards and it's so peaceful and i was wonderful but you know during that time it took such a toll on myself and also my mother and we never had a break and i wish we had known about that respite care program and i really encourage  to know about this because now they have been cutbacks even like with the the adult daycare brookwood center in peter's township that's closed so you know people are struggling they're trying to take care of their of their families or keep their loved ones at home they don't have a lot of options and they are well turned out tidy that feels that their loved one may call five for hospice should talk to their physician if the physician feels that  expectancy is six months or less and start only you don't have to be in the last week of life i mean we i encourage people to get involved sooner as opposed to later and that way you can worley maximize the back on when you do need to but it's important to start the conversation with your physician about what your views are in terms of life sustaining methods and i think you made a very good point and i think most people have to bring it up to their physician i find that sometimes the fish's physician doesn't always talk to people about this and people need to know that this this is an option or maybe through in the hospital and they're getting ready to leave that's a really good good point yet you need to ask a lot of times they will they will they will not tell you that maybe it doesn't come up just because the physician isn't thinking that the patient is at that point and so it's ok again to bring that up with your physician no matter what point you are in life you know you have some some counseling group counseling sessions available and wanted rehab and i can other minute left  of the series starts monday november nineteenth and again that we just talk about somewhere practical aspects for coping with the holidays after the death of a loved one one of the things that's nice about it is you get to meet other people that are struggling or experiencing things that are going on with their grief it is not we don't separate people based on who they've lost or time frame i think it's important  your newly been read that you get to meet people that have made progress in their grief work in those people will be there also that we do some ornament making which is nice because then it's a way for you to express yourself and your grief at this point your loss it's beautiful and i just want to encourage all of you out there that are that are struggling as caregivers or or people who who have experienced the or