"There is no charge for awesomeness, but a free helping of dumplings would beseverelycool!"For maximum awesomeness, read this page in the voices of eitherJack BlackorMick Wingert."Am I the son of a panda? The son of a goose? A student? A teacher? Turns out... I'm all of them. I am the Dragon Warrior."— Me to General Kai(Kung Fu Panda 3)Hey, there, what's up!? It's great to see you here, I was just about to head out to the museum to see the new display of relics Master Shifu had imported for me from the eastern villages of China! Yeah, I have that kind of friendship withone of the most awesome and legendary legends of ALL TIME!Oh sorry, getting ahead of myself just a little there! Wait, SERIOUSLY?! I'm getting my own wing in the Kung Fu History Museum!? Ho, hooo! I'm gonna go down in history, just like the great Master Wuxi of the Third Dynasty! I wonder if I can invent my own version of the Wuxi Finger Hold...?Oh you know this hold?Well, I'm totally making it cooler, it's gonna involve BOTH pinkies and make the WHOLE PLANET EXPLODE WITH ITS EPIC POWEERRR! Oh, jeez I'm sorry, I get distracted a lot, but seriously, you have NO IDEA what an honor this is for me!So let me tell you!!Spoiler alert, this is gonna be a LONG story!Guess if we're REALLY gonna dig deep here, you'd wanna know the very beginning, like before I was even born? Well, let's get started!AHEM!Sorry, phlegm in my throat.LEGENDS TELL OF AN ANCIENT ANIMATION STUDIO NAMEDDREAMWORKS ANIMATION,WHOSE ANIMATED STORIES AND MOVIES WERE THE STUFF OFLEGENDS!They came on the year of the Panda (2008 I'm pretty sure) and asked the endlessly coolJack Blackto bring his coolness to the big screen with a movie inspired by Chinese culture and martial arts. With Jennifer Yuh Nelson to guide these amazing heroes on their quest, it soon became super hyped up and even colossal names likeDustin Hoffman,Lucy Liuand even thereal lifedragon warriorJackie Chanjoining in on the awesomeness, it elevated it to a level of awesome never before seen in cinema!Eyes melted from the blinding light of sheer awesome and ladies swooned at the handsome Panda that donned the mantle! My first film took place in the jaw-droppingly sweet Valley of Peace, home to the great Jade Palace, basically the seat of Kung Fu! I started out as a simple noodle chef working alongside my father. Who is a Goose. What? That's not confusing!So a crab can have a whale as a daughterbut I can't have a Goose dad?! Well, actually I'm adopted. I know, it took me a while to figure it out too. Except not really, I kinda figured it out earlier on, I just didn't care because I love my dad. I should probably use this time to say my past isn't exactlythe happiest beginning ever,but we'll get to that later.My first adventure was a HUGE hit and we branched out beyond just the one movie, we franchised this whole thing! I went on to have adventures all over China, from the greatGongmen City, birthplace of fireworks,to thehidden mountains of the Panda Villageand even beyond the mortal world to theSpirit Realm!(I canflyin there!) Then I debuted on the small screen to show all the adventures I had in between the movies, pretty accurately known asKung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness!!There's beenvideo games, TV specialsand even a...THEME PARK RIDE!?WHHHOOOOAAAA, I've gotta try that one!Hey guys, check it outI'm gonna be going on a new adventure soon!What's "Netflix" though...? Whatever, it's gonna be a LIGHTNING STORM OF GREATNESS!!As for the story of my actual life, well let's see...I guess it all startedwhen the great Master Oogway chose me as the Dragon Warrior.Yeah, me! Can you believe it? I sure couldn't... nor could the Furious Five... or Shifu... or my dad... or anyone really. Anyway, my time at the Jade Palace was so awesome,I did everything so right the first time!After several tries! And doing so badly the first try that the first try became the new standard for how NOT to do Kung Fu! Okay, okay, maybe it didn't start out the way I'd hoped, but I'm nothing if notdedicated!Soon, the Five went from hating me tokindarespecting me, then liking me, then being annoyed by me,then all the above!Then Tai Lung came along andhe was one heck of a fighter, the first in history to master the Thousand Scrolls of Kung Fu!At first I thought I was wasting my time, that I should go back and be a chef with my dad, but when Shifu stopped being so... uncooperative (I wanna use a different word but I'm pretty sure he monitors this device!) and taught me the way A REAL PANDA should be trained, Iactually got better pretty quickly.I got my hands on theDragon Scrollto beat Tai Lung, but would you believe it was blank?!Or so I thought...Anyway, we had a pretty... interesting fight and I beat him with the Wuxi Finger Hold(may as well rename it the Po Hand Twitch I use it so much!)That was when I really gained the respect of the Five and the people of the Valley of Peace and earned myseverelycool title.But it didNOTend there for me, no it did not!A few years later,things changed for me.I'd gotten a lot better at the whole Kung Fu thing, my idols were now my heroesand it seemed like life was pretty good. Except one thing was nagging me ever since that fight with the one-eyed wolf (I do NOT like that guy!) and the weird symbol on his armor I started to get all these flashbacks. I didn't know what they were, but I couldn't fight the urge to explore it more. My dad told me the story of how he found me in a radish crate years ago andtook me in after we bonded.Still, it left me with the question. Where did I come from and who am I? I'd get that question answered when I metLord Shen, aFeathered Fiendand mymost personal adversary!Well, he would be if I remembered all the bad stuff he did when I was a baby, but I found inner peace in the end and found a way to stop him. Check me out, I'm like a real-life Yin-Yang symbol there! Anyway, after that, things again pretty much went back to normal (as far as that goes anyway) and I continued my usual routine.ThenShifu asked me to be a teacher!Oh and my real dad came back. Probably should have mentioned that first but come on! Me, a teacher? I couldn't even teach Viper how to hold her chopsticks right (though that was before I realized snakes don't have arms. My bad). AAANNNYYWAAAAYY, this is where stuff really got weird (but no less cool) when Master Oogway'sEvil Former FriendGeneral Kaiescaped the Spirit Realmand wanted to steal theChiof every master in China, me included, to become the strongest warrior of all. As it turns out, Pandas were the pioneers of the art of Chi and my dadtold me he could teach me.Of course, he didn't really know, but I still found my way as a teacher to my people when we went to the Panda Village! Now, this time was a little strange because the Wuxi Finger Hold was aNo-Sellon Kai ('cause, you know, he's dead), so I used it ON MYSELF! C'mon that's pretty clever, if I do say so myself! After I met Oogway one last time, I was given the Hero's Chi and used itto destroy Kai once and for all.I returned to the real world and now the Valley of Peace is just that;everyone is happy and I finally know who I am and what my purpose is.Tropes I use to show how awesome I am!:The Ace: Well, I don't really like to overshadow the Furious Five or anything, I have it on good authority that I am indeedawesome.I can learn special techniques just be watching someone do it, I've mastered both Chi and inner peace in a short time, I got that whole Kung Fu thing in a few years where for a lot of people it can take decades, I even know one or two of theTwelve Impossible Moves!As it turns out, I'm also a pretty good teacher! I'll admit though, unlike a lot of people like this, I didn't start out this way. In fact I still mess up and cause a little chaos here and there, but I still try my best, anyway.Acrofatic: Actually it's mostly fur, just ask Mantis!noteMantis:Yeah, it's quite a bit of fat too.I'm actually pretty agile for a man of my... uh... shape. Hey, who says you gotta be a dancer to fight like one?All-Loving Hero: I wouldn't want to be the Dragon Warrior if I had to kill anyone. Don't get me wrong, kicking butt is extremely fun (and looks amazing) but it's way more rewarding to use it to save people or show them a better way. Some bad guys my be lost causes, but everyone deserves a chance! Just wish Shen would have listened to me...Arch-Enemy:No, but you'd expect this, wouldn't ya?Lord Shen may have ruined my life and destroyed the way of Panda culture across China, not to mention the amount of times he tried to kill me with that awesome guandao of his (seriously, how is a peacock so good with knives?!) and he did torment me about my parents, I guess. I will say of all the burning rage-filled birds I've faced (oh, yeah there's a lot of 'em), he IS technically my most personal foe and "true" antagonist, not to mention I was on my toesa lotwith him, but I never saw him as my enemy, he was just another bad guy had to stop. Just hope wherever he is now, he found his own inner peace.Ascended Fanboy: If you told eight-year-old me that I'd be hanging with theFurious Fiveevery day and be one of the world's most renowned warriors of all time, I probably would have peed a little! In fact, I'm enough of an example me and the Five are the page image!Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: What? I don't get distracted that easily! Wait a minute, where are we now? Ah, we've gone the wrong way to the museum... which I just remembered we were going to... alright, fine, sometimes I have trouble staying focused. A lot happens to me, it's hard to keep my head in the game!Badass Adorable: Well, Mei Mei would probably think so, but luckily she's not here! That's lucky too, that girl is O-Ver-Whelming! Still, I guess I can see what people mean by it, I am a Panda after all.Battle Cry: "GET READY TO FEEL THE THUNDER!" Boy, I love saying that.Beary Funny: I've got it on good authority I could be a comedian if I wasn't a warrior. I even got the Five to laugh with me when I parodied Master Shifu. Of course,hedidn't find it funny, but I don't think he ever does.Big Eater: I think you'll find I'm pretty typical for my people! I love to eat, snack and have dessert for breakfast and a three-course dinner for supper! Also I eat the almond cookies hidden on the top shelf (don't tell Monkey!). Up to eleven in my third adventure, where I realized Iwasn't eating enoughby Panda standards!Big Fun: Oh, yeah! I LIVE FOR THE FUN! There's a reason I still have my action figures of the Furious Five in my old room (except Monkey's... I kinda broke it the other day when I slipped on one of themanystray banana peels I left on the ground. Boy, was THAT a fun night! Anyway, DON'T TELL MONKEY! I'm taking it to get it fixed tonight). I love to play games and just have a good time, really. What, because I'm a "hero" I'm not allowed to enjoy it?noteCrane:Po, there's a difference between "fun" and "reckless". I can't count on both wings the amount of times your antics got us in trouble! Remember those bandits in the rabbit village?Me:Oh yeah? Remember that party at the Jade Palace for Chinese New Year? You sure weren't complaining when Mei Ling swung by for a night of DEBAU-CHURAAAAYYY!!(Aha! check it out guys, he is SO blushing right now!)Crane:Point taken. That night was pretty special.Viper:We're lucky Shifu never found out!Me:Yeah, he totally fell for that "business in Hajing Province" thing! Don't worry, sweet lady Viper! Even one as stern as the greatSHIFU THE STERN SOURPUSSwouldn't deny us one such moment ofGLORIOUS GLORY!And if he does, we'll just deny it... we'll just be like "no idea where those big ears picked up that bold-faced lie!"Mantis:Hey, that reminds me, why the heck was Bai Li there?!Crane:I...mayhave invited her...Me:Uh, Crane, buddy... SHE TRIED TO KILL ME!Crane:Oh, she's not the only one!Bunny-Ears Lawyer: I'm a Panda, not a rabbit... though my Dad's a goose... you know for all I know there could be some... hare-y business in the family! Geddit?! HAHAHA! Uh, anyway, I may be one heck of a warrior and I DEFY you to find someone who knows more about the history of Kung Fu than me (seriously; any warrior, any relic, special move, weapon, armor set, location or historical battle,I know it), but aside from cooking, I tend to makea lotof mistakes.noteViper:Po, sweetie, didn't you poison Master Shifu once?Me:Oh yeah... well that was like,yearsago when I was still honing my craft!Viper:That's true, that dumpling special you cooked for me last night was divine! Can you make that for me again tonight?Mantis:Wait, you were with Viper last night? I thought you and Monkey were having a guy's night out?!Me:... Don't tell Monkey.Viper:Are you still cooking for me tonight, Po? I'll show you my new ribbon routine!(Dudes, she's doing that thing where she bats her eyes at me!)Me:That sounds like coolness dipped in a fresh pot of awesome-sauce! Dinner shall be served on a plate of finely crafted justice!Viper:Thank you, sweetie! I can't wait!Me:Yeah, me too!Mantis:I feel like I'm in the middle of something here...Calling Your Attacks: It's called flair! And it's not just mine, but I call the Five's moves too! Some of them (Tigress) don't understand things like showmanship or fun, but that's what a leader does!noteTigress:I'd hardly call you our leader, Po. And did you just say what I think you said!?Me:TIIIGREEESSS!You're embarrassing me in front of my new fans!Tigress:Did I? I'm sorry Po. You know I don't like fun of any kind.Me:Oh come on!Me: FEET OF FURY!Also me:VIPER! Puppet of Death!(that one's a personal favorite!)Catchphrase:SKADOOSH!Need I say more?noteMantis:Didn't you make a couple up with Monkey, what about those?Me:...don't tell Monkey.Mantis:Hey since I'm here, how come you get a page and none of us do?Me:I dunno... Dragon Warrior privilege?MantisI feel like that's discrimination. Where's the Mantis representation here?Me:Do you actually want your own page?Mantis:No, but choice would be a fine thing!The Chosen One: Trust me, I didn't believe it myself at first! But I guess Master Oogway saw something in me no one else did. And of course, he was right. That dude's always right, how does he do it?Dark and Troubled Past: My village was attacked and burnt down by Lord Shen when I was still just a baby, my mom died saving me and my father thought he'd lost me. I haven't got the happiest origin story, but then I know plenty more who've had worse, in fact I was able to move on from the trauma pretty quickly, all things considered.Fighting Panda: I mean, kinda goes without saying, right?Finger Poke of Doom: The one and only Wuxi Finger Hold! Did Shifu teach me that? Nope, I figured it out.Fire-Forged Friends: Only in the deep furnace of battle can one achieve friendship as AWESOME as ours! The Five didn't always like the idea of me being the Dragon Warrior, but they soon learned of my inexplicable epicness!Friend to All Children: I love kids, something Monkey, Tigress and I have in common! They love hearing my stories and I love teaching them all about Kung Fu! And I hate seeing them in danger.Good Is Not Soft: Heroes don't kill... unlessnecessary. Tai Lung had to go down (even if I do feel for him) and so did General Kai (he was a total nutjob). Lord Shen pretty much did it to himself, but part of me was kinda hoping he'd listen to me. If he had, I would have forgiven him.Happily Adopted: My dad may be a goose, but he's still my dad and I love him more than a free buffet!noteMr. Ping:Oh, Po! You make me so proud! But why didn't you tell me you're getting your own wing in the museum?! The moms and dads at my Pai Sho game are going to besooojealous! Maybe I'll make a special to promote it at the shop?Me:DAAAAAD!Li Shan:Listen to your Dad, son!Po:DAAAAAAAAAAD!Li Shan:No buts, young man! Now please hurry up with your visit, we're going to the noodles shop for lunch. If you hurry you can join us before the lunch hour's special offer!Mr. Ping:I'm still not happy about that arrangement you know!Me:Gah! Okay, alright, I'll see you there, can you just let me do this now, please?!Mr. Ping:Oh very well Po!(oh god, they're pulling me in for one of their Double Dad Hugs!)Oh, it hurts! So little oxygen!Both:We love you!(Okay they're gone. Let's forget you saw that. Please?)The Heart: Oh, yeah! I'm the gorgeous glue that holds the sacred bonds of our friendship together! In fact, Tigress came out of her shell a little because of me!Humble Hero: I may be the Dragon Warrior, but I'm still the same fanstruck kid I was all those years ago and I still enjoy helping out my dad at the noodle shop when I can. Yeah, there's the occasional tidbit where the fame goes to my head, but I always find a way to ground myself again... or Tigress finds it for me... with her fist.Improv Fu: Only thecreativelycomplex complexities of my merging martial arts can reflect mysensational style!Wow, that's a lot of double letters, there.Kamehame Hadoken: Ah! I can be like RyunoteRyu: Thanks Po. May your training take you farand fire off the Thundering Wind Hammer.Ki Manipulation: Oh! I have this skill! Helped me in redirecting those cannonballs Lord Shen was firing at me.Large Ham: Where?! Oh, right, you're talking about me! Well, yeah, I mean I love a little fun - even in a battle - and I'm not afraid to show off a little, but it's all in good fun. I guess I can go a little too hard sometimes...Last of His Kind:Thankfully not.I thought I was, but there's actually more Pandas out there in China, they just live in seclusion somewhere. You should visit it if you can!Motor Mouth: You're only like the 5000th person to tell me I don't shut up! Hey, I like to get to know people and be social and stuff (I think I was born to entertain!) and some may find it a little annoying, but there are plenty of people who love that about me! Who? Well, uh... You know I think this time, I'll shut up.Nice Guy: I'm not really one to hold a grudge, nor am I one to attack first. I like to get to know people, I love my friends and family and I go pretty crazy over anything Kung Fu related. Also, cooking for my friends and making them laugh is one of my greatest joys.Red Oni, Blue Oni: Hey, it's even an Asian themed one! Me and Tigress fit this pretty well, with me being more laid back and fun-loving while her being...noteTigress:Choose you next words carefully, Po.Me:Tigress, can you PLEASE go on whatever mission you have to go on now?! You're kinda killing the buzz over here.Tigress:Very well, Po. But you'd better watch your step.Me:So serious... and kinda scary too, ominous even......not that!Ship Tease:Guys!You've got my white fur turning red here! Well, I'll admit that part of being the Dragon Warrior involves meeting some pretty sweet ladies, though most of the timeyou're fighting them...Okay, so I'll admit there are times when me and Tigress get a little close, but she's my favorite of the Five!(Don't tell Monkey!)She inspired me to be better than I ever could and she's one of my best friends. I mean there was that whole Midnight Stranger thing... which I'mstillnot sure how to feel about... I guess if you were to really ask me, I don't think I have an answer for how I really feel about her, it's just something I never thought that hard about. Though, just between us - like seriously you can't tell ANYONE - I always did find it kinda coolthat she can beat up bad guys so well and look so good doing it!And if you tellanyoneI said that, I'll just say I didn't and won't you look bad, being a liar. Come on man, nobody likes a liar! Plus she's out right now and she's got no idea this is happening!noteCrane:Po, you do realize our chi is synchronized to yours at the Jade Palace, right? Like, literally everyone can hear this.Me:(gulp)Including Tigress?Crane:Lucky for you, she's somewhere it won't reach her.Po:Well good, then I'm heading to the museum!Crane:Po, you have a class this afternoon! Youcan'tjust-!Me:Can't hear you! Me and my fans are leaving now!Viper and I are pretty close and there's a few moments where we seem to... I don't know, connect? Again, I've never really thought about it. Though now that I am, I can think of a couple of times she kissed me, which Tigress never did. Did I like it? Well... yeah, I guess I did. Uh, feelings, so complicated am I right?I will admit she's pretty cute, though.Oh no, did she hear that?!noteViper:Yes, Po.Me:AAAAH! Oh, Viper, what are you-? Where did you-? Oh, uh, I was just telling my fans about how cool you were, yeah! H-H-Hey did I ever mention how much I love snakes?Viper:(she's smiling at me!)I think you're cute too.Me:No. Way... boy my red fur isn't getting any whiter!Supreme Chef: My dad's the better cook out of both of us, but I learned everything I know from him. In fact, cooking is one of the few talents I had even before I became the Dragon Warrior.Took a Level in Badass: Several times, actually!In my first venture into the wild world of Kung Fu, it didn't take that long for me to get the basics and some pretty advanced stuff down after only a little while training with Master Shifu. I even beat Tai Lung!By the time Shen came back, I'd already mastered Kung Fu and I was easily able to beat back any bad guy with myFEET OF FURY!Then I achieved inner peace...withoutneeding to meditate in a cave for 20 years!Finally, when Kai came knocking, I learned how to be an effective teacher and was gifted with the Hero's Chi! My mastery over it is pretty spectacular and honestly I still have no idea what the full capabilities of it are! Maybe I'll be able to conjure up infinite noodles?!!Trademark Favorite Food:(I'm speaking in sophistication!)We Pandas are of diverse food pallets! We need not limit ourselves to the monotonous repetition of only one food source!Alright, I'll stop now.I guess if you were to really get down to it, I'd probably say dumplings, I'm even holding one in the frame showing my mind-blowing visage! One of my best fights was over a dumpling too, but I think Shifu planned that one. Any others? Well, maybe noodles (which I cook for my friends sometimes) or even radishes (I've literally eaten several crates full of them as a baby). There's probably others, but they're the ones that get my jaws chomping!True Companions: I'm SOOOO lucky to have the friends I have now! The Furious Five are probably the coolest and most loyal friends a Dragon Warrior could ask for!noteCrane:Wings of agreement!Me:Fists of you-guys-are-awesome!Mantis:Antenna of wholesome!Viper:Um... Slither of joy?Crane:Eh, close enough.The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: Oh! I recall encountering anotherDragon Warriorone time! I really had to fight him so I could see how awesome he was!And what did you know? I won! I bet Master Shifu would be proud of my victory!Underestimating Badassery: My awesomeness is matched only by bad guys' ability to completely write me off. Tai Lung is just one example.Tai Lung:He's a Panda! You're a Panda! What are you gonna do, big guy, sit on me?And just so you know, I actually did sit on him at one point. Mr. I Mastered The Thousand Scrolls wasn't so hot then!World's Best Warrior: Well, maybe that title's a bit of a stretch, but Iamthe legendary Dragon Warrior (or the Warrior of Black and White, as told by the goat lady). Not only does that mean fate chose me to be more awesome than a field of awesomeness grass, but that I would become the greatest of all the great warriors of China (of which there isa lot. I actually made an encyclopedia datingwaaaaayyyback to before the First Dynasty). I'm not really one to gloat though, I feel like the Five or a few others are just as worthy of it.Wow! End of the tour already? I was thinking it would be a whole day thing.Anyway, that's that for this legend of awesomeness! Can't tell you what this means to me (though I guess I just did) and I seriously hope you enjoyed it too! Be sure to tell your friends about it, I'd love to see you all again! This has been so much fun and that new exhibit? Whoo, man, out of this world! But I'd better get back to the Jade Palace before I get in trouble, I've got a class to teach soon.Monkey:Po,YOUate my cookies??!Me:WAAAAH! Monkey! No, uh... it was... one of the... other people.Monkey:The same "people" who prefer Tigress over me?Me:Well I don't know who said that, but I for one think you're greater than of all the Five combined!Monkey:Well, okay, but I hope that you...(oh no, he sees the bit about our handshake!)YOU DIDN'T EVEN INCLUDE OUR BEST FRIEND HANDSHAKE?! That's it! I'm telling Shifu about our new year party!Me:Well, duty calls, everyone; better get back to the palace! MONKEY, GET BACK HERE!


(By order of the Child Detection Agency, you are to read this page in the voice of Bob Peterson. Failure to do so will constitute a code 2319.)I'm always watching. Always...Roz is a character from—The doors burst open to reveal an army of CDA agents as they surround the room.TV tropers! Stay where you are! Number One wants to talk to you!Roz enters the room.Hello tropers.Two and a half years of undercover work were almost wasted when you chose towaste your time on this website. Of course, without your help, I never would have been able to get a self demonstrating page going. So I suppose I should be thanking you...for once. Now, seeing as this operation is highly classified, I have no intention of disclosing all the details about me, but I will say this; so long assomeviciouscriminallunaticsdecidetoactoutofline, the CDA will be there to put a stop to it. We're always watching them. Always watching...always...For a brief overview of who I am, my name isRoz, administrative official of Scare Floor F in an undercover capacity for the Child Detection Agency, the organization responsible for preventing human children from entering the monster world. More importantly, where there's a serious crime involved, we personally intervene. For the last two and a half years, I've spent my time attempting to undercover a conspiracy in Monsters, Incorporated involving a prominent scarer kidnapping children to forcibly extract screams from them. My work led me to the conspirator's instigation, one Randall Boggs. But I never would have guessed that this led all the way up to the company's CEO, Henry James Waternoose III, all thanks to the top scare team at the company accidentally intercepting a human girl that got loose in our world. And to think, Sullivan and Wazowski all ended up under my watch because they caused trouble in college. If only Wazowski put half his efforts into filing his paperwork on time.But as I said, this is all classified. So all the details I can disclose will go below. You'll find instructions on how to file your paperworkproperly. And Wazowski, if you ever end up on here,pay attention to this section.I'll be watching you Wazowski. Always watching...always...The pink tropes go to accounting. The fuchsia tropes go to purchasing. Ivory tropes go to your immediate supervisor. AndI. Get. The Goldenrod. Goldenrod!Always Identical Twins: My sister Roze was given my old job upon my persuasion of the company board. Aside from a different shirt, a bit of hair dye, and no glasses, she's my spitting image. Wazowski won't miss having me around with her in charge.Big Good: My demeanor aside, I act only in the best interest of the security and safety of Monstropolis. So anyone on this website is advised to not try anything. My men are on standby 24 hours a day. And we're always watching...always...Chekhov's Gunman: The files on the Waternoose incident only had my involvement twice in. Only at the end of the incident do I reveal myself.The Cameo: DuringWazowski and Sullivan's college days, I had to clean up a mess they made, promising that we would be watching them. Always watching...ClerkFrom DVD bonus material: "The pink copy [of your carbonless copy paper scare receipt] goes to accounts receivable. The fuchsia copy goes to purchasing. Ivory goes to your immediate supervisor.And I! Get! The goldenrod!Goldenrod!"Cool Old Lady: I amnotdisclosing my age. But I'm not in charge of the most covert operation in the entire Monstropolis area for no good reason.Deadpan Snarker: "Your stunned silence isveryreassuring."Fauxshadowing: Upon closer inspection of the Waternoose incident, it appears my involvement in the conspiracy is as a partaker in it, not the one working to bring it down. You may note that Randall Bogg'sLeitmotifplays when I remind Wazowski to file his paperwork, or how I slam his fingers when he asks for the missing child's door key. If you found such actions effective, congratulations for yourastute observations. You have only proven the need for the CDA to monitor this website more closely.Foreshadowing: You may note that, upon the CDA's arrival to the factory, I closed the window to my office. Any interaction with my officers may have proven risky to my undercover efforts.Four-Temperament Ensemble: Under the Leukine classification, my efforts to expose Waternoose and Randall Boggs showed my commitment to Monstropolis' security, though I was not directly involved in the entirety of the incident involving Sullivan and Wazowski.The Gadfly: Filming the fictional documentary behind the Waternoose incident gave me a chance to lighten up a little. I never said I couldn't have a little fun.Gonk: I do stick out in comparison to other monsters, considering my appearance.Jerk with a Heart of Gold: I never did say I enjoyed the hardships of preventing crime in Monstropolis. It tested my sanity to have to deal with Wazowski's failure to file his paperwork on time. But I am firmly on the side of justice, and ensured Sullivan said his goodbyes to the girl.Late-Arrival Spoiler: If you don't want my true identity exposed, don't view the files on Sullivan and Wazowski's college days before you see their scaring files. Or better yet, don't read this page.The Mole: As noted in the debriefing, I had spent two and a half years undercover at Monsters, Incorporated to expose a kidnapping plot by Randall Boggs, whose whereabouts are currently unknown.Nepotism: I had the board of directors behind Monsters, Incorporated give my old undercover job as clerk to my sister, Roze, after we busted Waternoose and Sullivan and Wazowski took over. She's better fit for the job than other examples of this, though.Non-Mammalian Hair:How observant.Only One Name: The rest of my name is classified. And if you want to stay out of monster jail, I suggest you don't push it.Perpetual Frowner: There's not much room for joy in my life...comes with the job.Pet the Dog: The child who ended up in our world was far from guilty of the trouble Waternoose caused. It wouldn't have been right to send her home without saying goodbye.Reasonable Authority Figure: My organization may be paranoid about a lot of things (it's our job), but as long as all parties cooperate, I'm willing to meet them halfway.Sulley:I just...want to send her home.Roz:...Very good. Bring me a door shredder.Sulley:You mean...you mean I can't see her again?Roz:That's the way it has to be. I'll give you five minutes.Sitcom Archnemesis: Wazowski, he never filed his paperwork on time. Beyond that, he always did seem to have a distaste for me. Good thing my sister will straighten him out.Strong Family Resemblance: Wazowski thought Roze was so similar to me, I was simply going back in under disguise as a fake sister. Hah.The sound of the door shredder is heard as the last bit of this page is cut down.None of this ever happened gentlemen. And Idon'twant to see any paperwork on this.


NOTE: The following incorporates elements from both the Disney Canon, the currentExpanded Universe, andthe Legends continuity.Bask in the glory of a truly honorable warrior. This will be your last time to do so.(Best read in the voice ofMatthew Wood,John DiMaggio, orRichard McGonagle.)OOM-19:"Um, General, we've picked up a new transmission."Grievous:"What did those Republic dogs send this time?"OOM-19:"It's not Republic, and it's not one of ours either. Apparently,this HoloNet websitewants you to write aself-demonstrating page. It's like a thing where you talk about yourself and the things you've done, using theseodd categories of data. It's advertised asthe #1 way to waste your time!"Grievous:"WHAT?I can deal with it on myown."*punches OOM-19*Hello there.I am known asGrievous, though I was born Qymaen jai Sheelal.noteSome of abruption Doctrinecall me asspace generalI am a proud Warrior of the Kaleesh, apprentice of Count Dooku and Supreme Commander of the Separatist Droid Army. I am feared by the Republic's generals for my strength and agility, for Dooku has trained me in their Jedi arts. My lightsaber collection is always growing... although there isoneI particularly *cough*have my eyes on.So many tropes to add to my collection!Adaptational Wimp: Despite the glorious victories I have achieved, Dooku often mocks me for never living up to my peak performance duringthe Battle of Hypori. It is most agrievancewhen I am reminded ofbeing unableto killSkywalker'sPadawan(though admittedly,I was simply toying with the little one), and beingcaptured by those Gungans.Arch-Enemy: While I will always be the enemy of any Jedi, I have clashed the most specifically with General Kenobi.Badass Cape: When not in combat, I usually adorn myself with a grey and crimson cloak to store my collection. It is decorated on the back with a symbol of the Kaleesh.Bad Boss: I have little patience for those flimsy B1 battle droids, nor for the Separatist leadership for that matter.The Collector: The lightsaber of a fallen Jedi will always make a fine addition to my collection.I am also no stranger to Kyber Bricks.Cyborg: This new form allows for me to easily best the Jedi in combat.Expecting Someone Taller:After I kidnapped the Supreme Chancellor, I told Anakin Skywalker that someone with his fame would normally be older than he is. Skywalker then informed me that my height did not live up to his expectations.The Heavy: Dooku and Sidious have not ventured into as many battles as I have.Hero Killer: My ideal galaxy is one cleaned of those Jedi filth. I am well-known for trying to make this dream a reality with my own four hands.Insistent Terminology: I may be aCyborg, but let me make one thing clear:I! Am! NOT! A DROID!Just You and Me and My GUARDS!: My legion of MagnaGuards is much more elegant in battle than a regular droid could ever hope for. They may perform the dirty work for when I need not.Large Ham: I was taught by Dooku to be dramatic in hopes of striking fear into the heart of the Republic.Laser Sword: An entirecollection, in fact.Multi-Armed and Dangerous: My cybernetic body has two arms which can split into four. This is always a great advantage to emplore against the Jedi! *laughinginto coughing*SkeleBot 9000: The cybernetic upgrades I have received make me resemble a Jedi I have put to rest. I am most glad you find it intimidating.Vader Breath: WhileI have never metthisLord Vader, I gained *cough* an unpleasant coughing problem when upgrading into my cybernetic body. This was only amplified whenMaster Windu crushed my remaining organs, lungs included.White Mask of Doom: The faceplate on my armor is meant to resemble the skulls worn by Kaleesh warriors.Would Hit a Girl: *laughs* Yes, a true warrior welcomes all challengers! My mission to the world of Dathomir may have posed difficult had this not been the case.Run, tropers, run. You have only prolonged the inevitable.


"What do you see, Troper, what do you see?"(For an authentic experience, it is recommended that you read this page in the voice of SirAnthony Hopkins.Brian CoxandMads Mikkelsenare also acceptable, if you feel so inclined.)Hello, Troper.My name is Dr. Hannibal Lecter, and I will be your host this evening. You may be familiar with me from the bestselling series of horror-crime novels written by Thomas Harris. You may also be familiar with my work in the field of psychiatry, my patronage of the arts, and my career as aSerial Killerwith what you might call a...unique taste.Tropes that pertain to me include:Affably Evil: I shall always make an effort to be polite to company, providing that said company is polite in return. As long as you are not rude, we can have a perfectly cordial dinner that won't includeyouon the menu.Battle Rapping: For reasons even I shan't attempt to comprehend, I onceparticipated in a musical contest of witagainstthat overrated hack from Whitechapel. While I admit I may have let my temper get the best of me and allowed some vulgarities to slip out, I acquitted myself with the expected refinement and panache while my oafish thug of an opponent could barely make the effort to insult me at all.Beam Me Up, Scotty!: Contrary to what you might have heard quite often, I did not say "Hello, Clarice" in particular during our first meetings.Berserk Button: The tragic death of my sister and insulting her memory, or endangering Ms. Starling, will provoke arather strongreaction from me.Even Evil Has Standards: Let us come to an understanding. I am an unrepentant murderer, one who does not regret killing and will not hesitate to kill again, and I will never deign to pretend otherwise. But I have no tolerance for thedegeneracyof Multiple Miggs, thedepravityof Mason Verger, thebuffooneryof Dr. Chilton, or thestubborn rudenessof Mr. Krendler.Noble Demon: Perhaps to most of the general populace I am seen as the latter, but you cannot deny the former as I was born in nobility.I do wish we could chat longer, but... I'm having an old friend for dinner.


Hey, guys. My name is Napoleon Dynamite and I have a flipping awesome TV Tropes self-demonstrating page! I had a heckuva movie back in 2004 and I got my own freaking cartoon back in 2012. The earlier became a big hit and everybody loves to quote from me.All the freaking tropesAmbiguous Disorder: I might be retarded, or in politically flipping correct speech, "autistic".Battle Rapping:I once rappedagainst the person who shares my name,Napoléon Bonaparte.Berserk Button: When someone throws away my tots, I lose my spit.Blatant Lies: I actually do have good numbchuck skills, I'm not lying.The Cameo: For the 2005 MTV Movie Awards, I dressed up as Batman.Catchphrase:"Gosh!""Frigging idiot!"Cloud Cuckoo Lander: I made drawings of ligers and I talked about Lake Loch Ness for school.Gosh Dang It to Heck!: I rather freaking speak this than say cruddy words that hurt others feelings.Groin Attack: I thought Pedro’s bike was cool until I got racked ! Oh! It hurt my package so bad! Also my brother’s Time Machine was a piece of crap that ELECTROCUTED MY BALLS!No Social Skills: Aside from Pedro, I don't get along as much.Simpleton Voice: I may have hit puberty early, which is why I have a dang deep voice.Trademark Favorite Food: I sure love some tater tots.Terrible Artist: My drawings aren't crap.


I'm The Rickhead,and I say it because you think it. The fuck nugget who thought that what I needed a page of my own should be banned from this website. No, banned from life and be goaded to kill himself through twitter, because he thinks he can just follow me around and record my life so thoroughly that he can judge me by what things I do that some brainless Christian D-bags did on the Megaplex. He probably didn’t even giveThe ReviewersandJesus, Bro!a five out of five score like those child rapists in the Dove Foundation. That offends me, andbeing offended on the internet is the worst thing that could ever happen to anybody, you beta-cucks!Here are some tropes that I made more interesting for being in them.Appeal to Force: God works for me, bitches! I was able tomake anyone who downvoted me to burst into flames by praying it could happen.Bestiality Is Depraved: How can it be "depraved?" All I said was that we should have sex with monkeys because we all just evolved from them. That's all.Can't Take Criticism: I don't take criticism, Imakecriticism! Besides,those people who down-voted my videos had it coming!Embarrassing Last Name: Don't say that name ever again.I mean it!Hollywood Atheist: All I ever do it tell those snobby bigoted Christian how they should live their lives and that they should kill themselves for being different from me. That is until I converted, then that means that it was all true,because I was the one who said it.Taking the Heat: Santa Jesus thought he would get me to take the place for his stupid bet! Dick! So of course I did, like the macho selfless true-messiah that I am.Vomit Discretion Shot: Some Spanish dick dared to pray before he ate dinner while I was sitting across the room from him. How else could I have responded?


We may be slappin' each other around,but we're soitenly there for each other."Curly:Hello!Moe:Hello!Larry:Hello!Hello!Moe:Greetings and salutations! For we are the Three Stooges. I'm Moe.Larry:I'm Larry.Curly:I'm Curly.Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.Moe:Quiet, youapple-head!Curly:Ruff!Moe:Why you...Larry:Hey, you guys, quit stallin'. We got a page to talk about.Moe(to Larry):For once in your life, you're right.(to Curly)Remind me to kill you later!Curly:Soitenly! I'll make a note of it.(He searches his pockets)I ain't a got pencil or paper.Moe:Never mind.(he slaps Curly)Curly:Oh! I didn't do nothin'!Moe:Yet.Larry:Come on, quit stallin'!Moe:Gonna start that again?(he hits Larry on the head)Now, as I was saying, this isa "self-demonstrating" article...Curly:If it's self-demonstratin', we shouldn't have to be doin' this at all.(Moe slaps him)Oh! Hmmph!Moe:It's 'cause we're demonstrating our selves, you numbskull! Now, shaddup!Larry:Yeah!(Moe glares at him)I will, too.Moe:Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. We'll be talkin' about all our escapades on this here page. Almost everything we can stuff in.Curly:I'd rather have the cranberry sauce kept outta the stuffing.(Moe eyepokes him)Ow-hoh-oh-oh! I can't see, I can't see!Moe & Larry:What the matter?Curly:I got my eyes closed.(Moe flicks his nose)Ooh! Hmmph! Ruff!Moe:Quiet, Airedale!Larry:Yeah, quiet!Moe:You stay outta this!(he head-clunks Larry)Now, this is a page about us listin' almost everything about us, and we'll be talkin' about 'em down there! So quit lookin' here and start readin' those tropesdown there!Larry:Also, we'll only be talkin' about ourselves, and ourselves only;Shemp, Besser, and Curly-Joe won't be talked about. If ya want, you can help us add more know-how about us guys.These tropes are woith readin'. They're informative, they're knowledgeable,they're even mediocre.Accidental Athlete:Larry:We were once mistaken for three famous horsemen from Bolder Dam.Moe:But we didn't know about it, and when being asked to play football, this guy paid us, andwe needed the money anyway.Acrofatic:Curly:For a guy like me, I'm pretty light on my feet. I even ran down to the bottom floor of an apartment buildingto catch a cake.Adolf Hitlarious:Moe:We were the first comedy actto ever make fun ofSchiklgruber.Larry:Even beatin'Charlie Chaplinat nine months.Curly:Yeah,the guy that walks like this...(Moe slaps him)Ooh!Adults Dressed as Children:Larry:Once we had to get away from bein' caught by Dr. Yankum, we had to lie about bein' refugees.Iwas agirl.Moe:Gettin' personal?(he slaps Larry)All Just a Dream:Curly:When I hada sore tooth, but when I was fightin' in my sleep, I woke up slammed down onto Moe and Larry, then I got socked by Moe, and he knocked my tooth out like so.Amusing Injuries:Curly:Every biff, every bopp, every sic, every sock, every...Moe:That's enough! No matter how many times we get hurt, we're still in one piece.Bears Are Bad News:Curly:Bare in mind, we had some hard luck not runnin' into any bears when we hit the woods.Berserk Button:Curly:Well, we have many, butdon't get me started on Niagara Falls.Moe & Larry:Niagara Falls!Curly:Nyah-ah-ah!Moe & Larry:SLOWLY I turned... and STEP by STEP, INCH by INCH...Broke Episode:Moe:We're usually flat broke and down on our luck.Curly:We usually have to rely onsolutions to make a quick buck, or by finding some food we can snatch.Butt-Monkey:Larry:As Moe said, we're down on our luck and usually have fate against us.The Cameo:Curly:We had a small roleas subway workers that drilled through that lady's floor.Moe:And a downright macrobiotic oneas those firefighters!Curly:I don't remember that one.Larry:Like I said, we ain't talkin' about that!Catchphrase:Moe:We have many from five to 6⅞.Moe:I have..."Spread out!""What's the matter with you?""Remind me to kill you later.""I'll murder you!"and "Pick outtwo."Larry:Mine are:"Leave 'im alone!" whenever Moe picks on Curly.Yet, guess what I get when I say that.And I also had "Hey, what's goin' on around here?".Curly:If you think that's good, you ain't read nothin' yet."Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.""Woob-woob-woob-woob-woob-woob-woob!""I'm a victim of soicumstance!""Hey, Moe, hey, Larry!"Chubby Mama, Skinny Papa:Larry:I had a few infatuations with big gals. They're light on their feet, butheavy to carry.Cloudcuckoolander:Curly:I remember I had a cousin that had acuckoo-clock.Guess he wascuckoofor 'em.Deadpan Snarker:Larry:My common habit.Moe:Quit braggin'.(he eyepokes him)Department of Redundancy Department:Curly:We tend to say the same meaning in many different sayings, adjectives, even nouns, and let's not forget about phrases. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.Disguised in Drag:Moe:Our common trick to get away from the cops or others.D.I.Y. Disaster:Larry:Everything we do is outta whack! One of us is crazy and it's not you...wait.Dope Slap:Moe:And how! Allow me to demonstrate.(slaps Curly)Curly:Ow! What didja do that for?!Moe:Oh, youknowwhat you did!Einstein Hair:Larry:Does my hair really look like Einstein's?Moe:You don't think like him.(He hits him on the head)Extreme Omnivore:Curly:I never heard of it.Moe:Neither have I.Larry:Yeah, thinkin' about what it means makes me wanna have burnt toast and a rotten egg.Moe:Why would ya eat that?Larry:I got a tapeworm and that's good enough for 'im.Eye Poke:Larry:Don't get us started on that.Moe:Quiet, porcupine.(cue eyepoke)Fat Idiot:Curly:Listen, you! On behalf of that phrase, I resent that!Flowery Insults:Moe:I don't insult 'em that much,you nitwit!Food Fight:Larry:Whenever we're at a party at a classy joint, it always ends up withthrowin' pies.Hard Head:Moe:Yeah, what do ya got in your head anyway?An iron plate?Curly:No, a brain.Moe:Oh.(Double Take)Why you...!Curly:Don't youdarehit me on the head! You know I'm not normal.Moe:You're lucky.He-Man Woman Hater:Larry:We were once members of the Woman Haters club.Moe:Until Mongoose here broke the rule anddidn't call off that wedding for that dame!Larry:Don't get personal! Besides, you had your eyes on her too, after you knew about it.Jerkass:Moe:Who?Larry:You!Moe:Oh, yeah?Jerk with a Heart of Gold:Moe:...well, I know I can be rough to you guys, but I know when I am.Larry:Sometimes, I wonder.Moe:Oh, ungrateful, eh?(he slaps him)Karma Houdini:Moe:We always get away...(snapping his fingers)...like that.Almost.Lethal Chef:Curly:Are you kiddin'? My cookin' is to die for!Moe:It probably meant "legal".Curly:Oh, that's different.Malaproper:Curly:Malaproper? I had experience with mallards. As long as they're properly raised.Manchild:Curly:We're not children, but wearemen!Mirror-Cracking Ugly:Moe:This frizzle-top breaks more mirrors that way.The Movie:Moe:We had our own picture set in the current day.Larry:And it was directed by the Farrelly brothers.Curly:And they were afairlygood bunch.Never My Fault:Larry:I don't see why Moe can't see it's usually his fault when wealldo somethin' stupid.Moe:Why, I'll showyousomethin' that is my fault, you chowderhead!(hits Larry on the head)New Job as the Plot Demands:Moe:In most of our little crusades, we keep ending up gettin' a new job whenever we make a mess of everything.Pig Latin:Moe:Arrylay n-day I arey expert-says at-lay is-thay.TranslationLarry and I are experts at this.Larry:Eahyay, veney ouyay ancay derstandunyay ityay onyay ouryay ownay.TranslationYeah, even you can understand it on your own.Plank Gag:Moe:I don't know why I ever let you muttonheads carry ladders or planks. It always ends with me gettin' hit in the face!Curly:I'm a victim of soicumstance! Am I supposed to have eyes in the back of my head?Pungeon Master:Curly:You never can tell when I say somethin' witty. But I don't have to explain it. Nyuk, nyuk...(Moe slaps him on the back of that head)Oh!Moe:Always clownin'.Screw This, I'm Outta Here:Larry:You said it! We do it all the time for whenever we run from the law, a gang, a business, and further more...Moe:That's enough.Slapstick:Moe:Our specialty.Curly:We even got our own image on the main page!Stock Footage:Moe:We just happen to get into similar situations more than once, that's all.Larry:You mean like thetwotimeswe got drafted into the army with that same drill sergeant who hated us?Moe:And both times it was because of you knuckleheads.(he slaps Larry and Curly)Vitriolic Best Buds:Moe:Even though we're rough on each other,we're always stickin' together. As the saying goes: all for one...Larry:...one for all...Curly:Every man for himself!(Moe and Larry glare at him)Moe:Well, what are ya still doin' here?You read all there is on this page!Larry:Come on, beat it!Stay here too long, you'll wind up waistin' your life!Curly:Soitenly!Besides, there are plenty of other pages you can visit down there, too.


Note: This article contains references to both theLegendsEU and thecurrentEU underDisney.Seek my presence, you have.(For full effect, read in the voice ofFrank OzorTom Kane)Welcome, reader.Yodamy name is. A Jedi Master I am, for my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. For hundreds of years I have trained Jedi to master the Force. For knowledge and defense only, never for attack, as protectors and ambassadors of the Galactic Republic we are.Some of my Jedistudentsfell to theDark Sideof the Force — quicker, easier, more seductive... Anger, fear, aggression... Easily these feelings flow, consume these students they did. Protect the galaxy from the return of the Sith I could not, blinded by their clever scheming I have been.Encoded into at least one Holocron, a record of my training was, though destroyed the known example was.May the Force be with these tropes:Ascended to a Higher Plane of Existence:In death, this I have achieved.The Anti-Nihilist: Hard to believe, hm?As I told Whie, though there are times I wonder if the Force has no greater hope for the galaxy, a difference it makes not. Living life to the fullest nonetheless, and relishing in life, that is the true path to the Force, hm?Attack Reflector: Deflect Force Lightning, I can.Badass Adorable: Cute I have been called. Stop me from defeating Count Dooku and fighting on even terms with Palpatine, it does not.Barefoot Sage: Wise, some consider me to be. Wear shoes, I do not.Berserk Button: "Baby snatchers" the Jedi arenot! Important that Jedi training start in childhood it is!Characterization Marches On: Hard to believe it is, that I can actually relax and play around when not so serious. Everywhere else, grim I do seem. Whenfirst I appeared, I acted this way to test Luke. Additionally,happy I was to show my looser side to Scout and the others.Combat Parkour: My fighting style. Ataru it is called. Necessary it is for me to fight larger opponents.The Fundamentalist: Jedi should be trained from childhood, I strongly believe.Guest Fighter: Inanother universe, I arrived. In the page image, you can see.Lack of Empathy: Exactly the right phrase, this is not. Dismissive of other's concerns and emotions, people say I am. Because I feel a Jedi must temper their emotions to avoid the dark side, I do this. Very old, I am, and dwell on those I have lost, I cannot.Little Green Men: A literal little green man am I. Judge me by my size, do you?Martial Pacifist: Only when it is necessary do I fight. Peaceful solutions do I prefer.Memetic Mutation/Ron the Death Eater: Depicted as Ketamine-addicted murderous sociopath in parodic ASMR videos, I am. True, these memes are clearly not. Take pleasure in murder or spice, I do not.Mysterious Past: Detail my past, I will not.Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: When an emotional crisis, someone is suffering, only make things worse, platitudes will.Learn this the hard way, I did.Obfuscating Dementia: Pretend that gone my mind was, in order to test young Skywalker's patience during our first meeting. Even my identity, I concealed at first.Old Master: For eight hundred years, have I trained Jedi.O.O.C. Is Serious Business: Take me for nothing but aStrange-Syntax Speaker, do you, hmmm? Well, I do notalwaysdo that. Because sometimes I need to make myself clear.Pint-Sized Powerhouse: Size matters not. Look at me. Once again, judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not. For my ally is the Force. And a powerful ally it is. Besides, typical for my people, this stature is.A Pupil of Mine Until He Turned to Evil:Count Dooku I trained, until turned to the Dark Side he did.Narrowly averted, this was, with my former Padawan Ikrit. Bury his lightsaber after barely stopping himself from murder, he did.Really 700 Years Old: Over 900 years old, I am. Long-lived, my species is.50 years old, an infant is.Strange-Syntax Speaker:Famous examples of Object-Subject-Verb word order my lines have become. Great debate there is, over whether this trait of mine a subject ofFlanderization, has been, for I have often shown that Icanspeak with "normal" syntax... When choose to I do.On your world, written/Five retro-style playsare where/SpeakHaiku, I do.Trickster Mentor: Wise a Jedi should be to see when I am merely playing. Luke Skywalker was at first unable to figure this out, when first we met, and pretended to be a silly swamp-dweller I did.The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny:Fought againsta legendary kingonce, I have.Hold my loss against him, I do not.Verbal Tic: "Hmm", I say very often.Now, gained wisdom, you have. Go forth, but be wary of the Dark Side, you must. May the Force be with you...always.


So there I was...This series is not written byBrandon Sanderson. I know, that's what it says on the cover, butCovers Always Lie. I'm Alcatraz Smedry, and I'm the real author of this series.I always tell the truth.Except when I lie. The reason it says "Brandon Sanderson" on the cover is because otherwise the Librarians would never allow it to be published. Brandon Sanderson has agreed to use his name as a cover for these series. He also writes a lot of his own books, but they are mostly a bunch of made-up fantasy stories aboutmist,storms,wheelsand other suchsillystuff. I've taken a look at some of his books, and most of them are really long, really big, and would make for a goodDoorstopper, or maybe a blunt weapon.The books I write are not overly long, and they are not fantasy, though we have to hide them in the fantasy section of bookstores and libraries. Neither are they, despite what others may have told you, light-hearted comedic fantasy books for children and young adults that can also be enjoyed by adults with a good sense of humor. Instead, they are serious, completely true books about politics, economics, history and my adventures fighting the Evil Librarian Cult that rules most of the world (The Hushlands) and is trying to take over the rest of the world (The Free Kingdoms).What, you mean you don't believe that the Hushlands are controlled by an Evil Librarian Cult that uses its monopoly on information to manipulate the world into believing a bunch of lies? Well, just look at what they call themselves.Lie-brarians. Kind of obvious, isn't it?Anyway, about me: I look like a normal, ordinary American kid, but I'm not normal. I'm a Smedry. (I know, the last name kind of gives it away.) The Smedries are a highly respected family in The Free Kingdoms; so respected that knights and such tend to call us lords and do what we say, even if we tell them to hop on one foot. One of the reasons we are respected is that we all have special Talents. For example, my grandfather is always late, one of my relatives is good at talking nonsense, I have an uncle that is really good at getting lost, and a cousin of mine is really ugly when she gets up in the morning.My Talent is breaking things. Doorknobs are my specialty, but I can break everything from a chicken to an airplane. I'll probably break this Web site a few times, so if you see something broken, there isn't much point in trying to fix it because I'll probably break it again. I know that doesn't sound like much of a talent, but consider what would happen if someone tries to shoot a gun at me. The gun would break before it could even shoot.Anyway, I'd tell you more, but if I tell you too much, you won't need to buy my books. Make sure you buy my books. For every one you buy, we donate money to the Alcatraz Smedry Wildlife Fund For Buying Alcatraz Smedry Cool Stuff. You can even use it as a coaster.Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians(2007)Alcatraz Versus the Scrivener's Bones(2008)Alcatraz Versus the Knights of Crystallia(2009)Alcatraz Versus the Shattered Lens(2010)Alcatraz Versus the Dark Talent(2016)


I don’t know why you clicked on my page. Are you sure you weren’t trying to visit someone else’s?Really? Well, you’re probably wasting your time. But while you’re here, I guess I can tell you a bit about myself. Just don’t blame me if you don’t like what you hear.I’m no one important, really. A distant cousin to a minor lord, too distant and too minor to be important, or anything. I work here at the Wall. It’s cold. The Lord Commander (Qorgyle, not Mormont) knew I would be useless as a ranger, so he made me a steward. It’s a job, I suppose. The retirement plan is awful, but it is what it is.I don’t really get up to a lot of exciting things. That’s not something I resent, but I do wonder why I was the one who got a page. Are you sure Samwell Tarly wasn’t supposed to have the page?At any rate, everything is miserable and we’re all doomed. Some folk call me a pessimist, but that’s just howmy seriesis. Everyone is going to die horribly. Knowing me, I’ll probably be next.I don’t know why you would want to see these tropes, but here you are anyway.Black Comedy: Well, we live in a mad world. If pointing that out is funny, then I’m a mummer.Cosmic Plaything: Nothing ever goes well for me. I just accept it. Not much has happened to me lately, but that just means I’m due for some more misfortune soon.Deadpan Snarker:What? No. Never.Dork Horse Candidate: I ran for Lord Commander, and even got some votes. I would have been an awful Lord Commander, but Janos Slynt would have been worse.The Eeyore: I wish.The gloomy donkey lives a peaceful life, while I have to worry about being murdered by wildings or even my own sworn brothers, and that’s saying nothing of the cold and the Others that thrive on it.Gallows Humor:The stewards’ pagesays “Edd doesn't just whistle while walking past the graveyard. He brings an accordion and asks the occupants if they have any special requests.” But I would be so awful with the accordion that the dead would come back to life to kill me just to get some peace and quiet. Maybe that’s why the Others are coming back.Hidden Depths: A compliment? It’s wasted on me, but thanks anyway.The Squire: Lord Snow probably should have chosen someone else to squire for him, but I’ll do my best.


Image by Greg Hildenbrant(For Vlad Tepes Dracula, aka Castlevania's Dracula,go here. Page can be best read in the voice of either Bela Legosi, Christopher Lee, or Gary Oldman as well as any other Dracula actor you prefer. ThoughNOTAdam Sandler, this is notthatDracula)(We approach a huge spooky-looking castle, mist covering the ground and dark clouds surrounding the area. We soon reach the two front doors which suddenly open rather ominously. To which we meet an elderly-looking but very pale bloke in a suit and cape ensemble holding a lamp)Ah guests, velcome, velcome. I am Count Dracula please enter into my home and leave some of the happiness you bring. I assure you no harm will come to you while you're here, you've after all have come to “interview” me in these “self-demonstrating” pages. I am more than happy to oblige about who I am.As I'm sure you've all heard, I am a Nosferatu, vampyr or “vampire”: a being neither dead nor living, the “undead” as it were. We are walking corpses akin to creatures in a humanoid form that never age and are granted a variety of powers. However in return, we must subsist on blood,human bloodbeing our usual course via biting our targets with our fangs, though apparently, we can also get by on animals. Stories tend to be vague about such things. Hmm, human food? I cannot say if I do eat it, though most point out that I cannot.I know I never drink ...wine. How I came to be like this is a mystery from the original story I came from, the most knowledge I know states at the least I hail from the Ottoman Empire and studied under the black arts which may be the cause of my... condition. There are also some rumors I am really Vlad Tepes, otherwise known as Vlad the Impaler, a Wallachian prince known for his brutality.(Chuckles)However while flattered, there is no proof of this. While I do come from a wealthy upbringing (Note the “Count” in the title), that is just a theory at best. Though I am proud of the lineage that I come from. The peasants in the surrounding areas are certainly aware of this and do well to respect this should I have a need to come “visit” them.My debut story, as documented by one Abraham Stoker (aka Bram Stoker), takes place in the 19th century in which the industrial age was long thriving. Having stayed within my castle for many a century and feeding on the villages of the land. I decided for a change of scenery and used my wealth to buy a run-down former cathedral named Carfax Abby. A young Englishman realtor name Johnathan Harker had arrived to foresee the transaction. Ah, it had been so long to have someone new in my castle. He was wonderful company, but I knew he would likely not respond well to what I truly was and I couldn't have him warning the world. So I kept him in my castle till the transaction was complete and left him to my three female vampire companions (often known as my wives or “brides”) while I absconded to London to set up the seeds of my new kingdom. There was even a lovely housewarming gift in the form of a young girl named Lucy Westenra who slept walk near my area the night I arrived. What fortune, my first foreign victim. I had to cut the feeding short as her friend, a one Mina Murray, had come looking for her. Though Lucy was already affected by the vampire curse by then.Over the following days, I acquainted myself with the new era while likewise continuing to feed on Ms. Westenra, hoping soon to have my first bride on this land. However, I was soon challenged as the doctor treating her, a one John Seward, called in his mentor, a one Professor Abraham Van Helsing to look into her treatment. To my surprise, he likewise studied the occult, knew about vampyr, and knew what was happening to her.(Sneers)It was my hope that this new land didn't know of such knowledge to ward off my kind, and yet here this man was able to and taught it to his surrounding party. Luckily by then, I had already affected Ms. Westenra enough thanks to the help of an insane asylum resident named Renfield who removed the ward in exchange for wanting to “eat life” itself. Eventually, I managed to triumph over those opposing me by fully draining my target, killing her, and sending her on the path of joining the glorious ranks of the undead.Alas, it was short-lived, as I had begun to start finding another bride (that I may or may not have turned, the documents don't' say and my memory is... hazy). Helsing and his allies confronted and killed Ms. Westenra for good just as she rose as a vampire and was beginning to start inflicting vampirism on young children. What's more, Harker had escaped my “wives” and returned to the mainland to tell of what he witnessed as I feared. Leading the hunters to Carfax Abby and burning down the essential coffins of dirt I had to prevent me from housing there further. Sensing this, I went to take the fight directly to them, attacking Mina, who in turn was also Harker's newly beloved wife, and giving her a different type of vampirism by both biting her and feeding her my blood, ensuring that she'd turn without the need for me to finish feeding on her as long I still lived, then absconding back to my castle in Transylvania. With my powers, I could surely outpace my enemies before Mina became a vampyr.(Frowns)But in my zeal, I once again underestimated Van Helsing's cunning and tenacity, he used hypnotism on her to link a connection to me and track me back to Transylvania. Even when I arrived back at my home where my powers were strong enough to block her out, they had enough information to continue their dogged pursuit. My wives and servants tried to protect me, but to no avail and eventually, I met my pitiable “end” in my final coffin before I could even arise to confront them. My only solace is that one of their own (a one, Quincy Harker) died in the process of trying to reach me.Hmm? So how am I here if I'm truly dead? The public consciousness seemed very enthralled at my tale and, while there was never an official sequel written by Mr. Stoker, other writers have taken up the task often having me return in some fashion and seek revenge for my previous loss against those that slayed me. If not that, then their descendants at least. Eventually, I became so well known I've transcended into the public domain with a bevy of writers putting me in different tales as well as recounting the story I began from. I could go all night about it, but we only have so little time, I'm certain there'sa page here that lists my appearances. This page is just meant for my first novel appearance and some of its adaptations.(Chuckles)So it seems I am immortal after all, at least in a different sense.(Wolf howls)Ah the tropes of the night, what wonderful information they make.Affably Evil: Through Mr. Harker's time with me, I treated him warmly, sharing my history and local cuisine. But I cannot nor won't deny what I am, an undead monster underneath. When he cut himself shaving, it took all my willpower to keep from attacking him outright. I still needed him for my transaction.Ambiguously Bi: Scholars speculate this of me. While I do usually go after women, I'm not above courting men either. Of course, at times this was seen in a negative light and meant to add to my monstrosity. It seems in recent eras, humans have come around to bisexuality now. So I suppose this is just viewed as quaint to most readers these days.Arch-Enemy: Hmph, I hardly consider them my arch-enemies, but I do recognize the hunters as a threat. Van Helsing has especially been singled out as my main foe due to his knowledge of the undead. Of course, I could kill him easily if we did have a direct confrontation in the book. But he was wise enough not to do so, advising the other to catch me in my coffin and weakened by sunlight to dispatch me.Aw, Look! They Really Do Love Each Other: My brides, while they do serve me, aren't above disobeying me. I strictly warned them not to engage Mr. Harker before the transaction and they nearly spoiled my plans before it can begin. Mocking me further that I've “never loved” after I've stopped them.(Shakes head)I suppose it can't be helped, they are free to hunt at their leisure, of course, that freedom would go to their heads. But nevertheless, they know what I am capable of and they understand not to overstep their bounds. While not stated, I do admit a part of my black heart still does care for them. I kept my promise to give them Mr. Harker after I left for London and, if their attempt to sway Mrs. Murray to my side is any indication, they feel the same... possibly.Back from the Dead: Sequel books and media usually see me always come back despite me turning into a skeleton after being killed. Usually due to ritual spells.Beam Me Up, Scotty!: Despite what you humans believe, I have never spoken inVampire Vordsin the books - that aspect mostly comes fromBela Lugosi's iteration of me. I have also never said, "I vant to suck your blood" at all, and... I cannot believe I agreed withAdam Sandler's portrayal, but I do not say "bleh-bleh-bleh."The Beastmaster: Controlling animals is well within my power, wolves seem to be especially susceptible to me.Breaking and Bloodsucking:(Chuckles)Ah Ms. Westenra, one of my better feastings. Despite her suitors' attempts at stopping me, I ultimately managed to drain her completely over three nights and claimed her by the fourth day. I do wish I could've added her mother to my ranks as well but a heart attack prevented this. When the hunters dared to defy me to avenge their fallen maiden, I dispensed with the pleasantries and attacked Mrs. Murray outright while they were destroying my coffins, cursing her with vampirism by having her drink my blood, taking some of hers and dooming her to a life as a vampire unless I was killed.Complete Monster: Label me as such if you will. I hardly concern myself with the opinions of mere humans.The Corrupter: A pre-date example, but victims who die under my bite are instantly corrupted into a being they weren't in life. Ms. Westerna, for example, was a normal sweet girl when she was human. Once she joined the undead, she displayed a more lustful, sexual side to her, using her beauty to lure in and bite children and even her intended betrothed, Arthur Holmwood. A truly splendid sight. Mrs. Murray likewise was nearly swayed into joining my brood as well. Alas, the hunters managed to counter this, warding off and killing the former to “bring her soul peace” and preventing the latter's transformation with my “death”.Corrupt the Cutie: It is noted that the people that I turn into vampires are women, petite ones at that. My tastes tend to be extraneous, the girls just happen to be in my vicinity when I hunt. While the curse does indeed turn my targets into people they clearly weren't, it is a necessary instinct to make sure they survive their new changes.Daywalking Vampire: Mmm a fact that seems to have gotten lost in time and media depictions. But no, sunlight doesn't kill me. Its rays merely prevent me from using my powers, making me no more powerful than a normal human. If I'm in a certain form I cannot shift back till nightfall. If one wonders why I sleep during the daytime, again the shifting issue plus even the undead must rest.Eats Babies: Blood is blood to a vampire no matter the age, granted in the book I don't partake in feeding on a baby, but apparently had kidnapped one to feed to my brides (The documents reframe from any details). The only proof of such is that the child's mother showed up to reclaim him. As she was trespassing, I had the local wolves deal with her.Fountain of Youth: Due to centuries of living as an undead, my olden form is the most I can maintain. Trust me, if I was my true age I'd be a walking skeleton. So when I feed on a target, I can regain my youthful looks.Game Face: A reminder that vampires are creatures in humanoid form. So when I give in to my bloodlust, my facial features tend to become more feral. I'm sure your imagination can put together a suitable picture.(Chuckles).Haunted Castle: A correct assumption should you see my family's dwelling. Likely due to the black arts I've practiced, the castle is filled with the supernatural. To the point, the villagers nearby try to avoid it at all costs as they will surely never be heard from again if they enter it. I must commend Mr. Harker for managing to survive his visit with his humanity and sanity intact.Hoist by His Own Petard: Again I underestimated that crone professor, using hypnotism on Mrs. Murray to track my whereabouts through our connection. Very clever.Holy Burns Evil:(Frowns)Loathe as a proud warrior as I hate to admit it, vampirism isn't invincible. One such weakness being crosses and holy items like water and wafers. As a long-lived vampire, I havesomeimmunity to it, but recent undead of my kind do not.Immune to Bullets: While I don't come from a time when such weaponry existed, guns and bullets have no effect on me. My body is already dead after all and I can heal faster than the damages they cause.Impaled with Extreme Prejudice: I meet my end in the document by being stabbed in the heart and neck due to being unable to move as I was resting. A crude way of dispatching me, but I will commend the hunters for taking the advantage.Mind-Control Eyes: One look into my eyes and I can control a human quite freely. As I'm sure you can imagine, it makes hunting for blood much simpler.Missing Reflection: Part of the setback to being a vampire is that I have no reflection. Apparently something about "God not recognizing me as human since I have no soul" or some religious nonsense. This does make it easier to sneak up on targets as I surprised Mr. Harker by doing this as he was shaving.Mysterious Past: Other than studying black magic, everything leading to the present day of the story is untold. Maybe I was Vlad Tepes, maybe not. Nor how my "brides" came to be with me. It is, as humans say, aRiddle for the Ages.Old, Dark House: My second dwelling when coming to London, Carfax Abby was an old dilapidated building barely standing. It was perfect for a creature of my being, big enough to be similar to my castle, but unassuming enough that no one would suspect it. At least until Mr. Harker managed to return and point this out to the other hunters, resulting in burning it down to prevent me from coming back. Such a pity, an architect like that deserved better.Our Vampires Are Different: Ah yes, I have heard there are different species of my kind. But my story is the one that put some of these traits in the public eye, pre-dating what came before. For the most part, I have the strength of 20 men, I can control animals, and weather and turn myself into animals as well as fly. As for the vampirism process, contrary to what is believed, my bite is what initiates the vampire curse, and dying from it starts the transformation. Blood sharing is just a secondary form of it. Largely if I intend to inflict a slow transformation to spite my enemies. It's not exactly graceful and leaves me without a meal, but suffices if speed is necessary.The Power of Blood: Ah the elixir of life, I need it to sustain myself as do any of my kind. It also allows me my powers as well such as changing my appearance.Really 700 Years Old: I have lived countless centuries than the pitiable lives of you humans. Seeing empires rise and fall, technology progress, both the good and the folly of humans. Some say this is part of the curse of the undead as an unnatural life such as this is unholy. I am not inclined to agree or disagree, but as long as I live, I will continue to survive and witness the blinks of time as I do so.Red Eyes, Take Warning: When the time comes to partake in blood, my eyes are known to go bloodshot (Or glow, depending on the adaptation). And I assure you I won't be stopped until I have fed when this happens!Sympathy for the Devil: According to the documents, Mrs. Murray actually pitied me, thinking my soul suffering countless decades of committing horrible atrocities in the name of my unnatural survival. Well, I say she was a fool for thinking that but...(Shakes head and waves on to the next trope).Super Toughness: Save stakes and holy items, blunt weapons are useless on me. Mr. Harker, unknowing of the stake solution at the time, found my resting place while exploring the castle and attempted to strike me with a shovel. It only left a small bruise on my forehead that quickly healed. I would've retaliated for that transgression, but the sun was still up at the time and I cannot move when I am in my coffin. He wisely fled from the area and I focused my concern on the trip to London.Uncertain Doom: The woman I was following in the middle of the story the Mina happened to notice. It's never revealed what happened to her. I likely made her into a vampire when I could strike.(Smirks)Again I'll allow your imagination to create what became of that scenario.Undeath Always Ends: Vampirism may change a human into a much superior creature with powers. But it only prolongs one's lifespan while halting aging (or in my case, reversing it when I feed). It's not invincible and can be ended easily by a stake through the heart.Undeathly Pallor: Not uncommon among the vampyr, we do drain the lifeblood from our victim's body and resurrect them later with our curse. Again, they are walking corpses, after all, one should be thankful they don't rot like zombies.Vampires Are Rich: I was already part of a wealthy dynasty and had accumulated a vast fortune over the centuries to easily buy a house in London. My memory isn't what it used to be however and I often have to use Will O' Wisps to track where I've stashed my horde.Vampires Are Sex Gods: Hmph, modern eras seem to think this of me due to adaptations casting young handsome-looking men to play the role. In truth, however, I was no more than a wild animal when biting my targets. But I won't attest to such a thought. It will make it easy for me to hunt.Vampire's Harem: This has been...contested in recent times. While yes I do have three women in my castle. It is never clarified what their relationship is to me, evenIhave forgotten. Some speculate they're just three simple victims I turned long ago, others figure they could be my daughters and wife due to two of them having similar noses to me while the blonde is much more different and allowed the first bite at Mr. Harker. Regardless they are the only other vampiric residents there besides myself.Vampires Sleep in Coffins: Somewhat. When I must rejuvenate my power, I sleep in boxes of dirt from my homeland (apparently an old folklore that vampires can't travel without dirt from where they were born, it's why I sent so many boxes to London). Since the boxes need to be human-sized, they're usually depicted as coffins. Media has expanded this since then to be lavish coffins for me to rest in.Vampire Monarch: While I am only shown asserting my power over the three women in my castle. There is no mistake I am the undisputed head of the castle and all who are turned under my bite come under my power.Voluntary Shapeshifting: But of course, I can shift to a bat, wolf, and mist. Likely others as well but media make these my common transformations.Wall Crawl: Gravity is nothing but a mere trifle with me as I can scale my castle walls to reach other areas within it with ease. Mr. Harker apparently saw this after I had a talk in his bedroom. Maybe I was careless about allowing him to witness this, but then again I had no intention of letting him leave regardless.Was Once a Man: Speculated, but I certainly wasn't born a vampire and my knowledge extends to the Ottoman Empire and medieval eras. It's never revealed how I came to become a vampyr, but Helsing suspects it was the black arts I studied.(A grandfather clock chimes the dawn hour)Hmm, it seems sunlight is upon us, so I must depart to my coffin and rest. Please exit freely as you have come. Hmm, why am I sparing you? I have no desire to feed on someone seeking knowledge. Besides, the more the world knows about me, the more they know what I'm capable of. The more they know of the terror that I and my kind bring, the more I will never truly be gone no matter how many stakes they stick in me. I. will. ALWAYS. RETURN!Till then, good day sir and/or madam. Enjoy the daylight... while you can.(He floats off into the shadows as we leave and the castle doors close on their own)


The all handsome ME(This page is best read in the voice ofZachary Gordon)First of all, let me get something straight: This is a SELF DEMONSTRATING article, not a diary....or a journal. Yeah, weird. TV Tropes is making me write one of this for some reason. I only agreed to do this at all because I guess it would make me rich and famous! This is definitely gonna be handy.Anyhoo, my name is Greg Heffley. I will be famous one day, but now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons. I already record my life in a journal (IT'S NOT A DIARY!), but I figured this could be my SECOND autobiography. After all, I will be famous one day. Did I mention that? Ah well...I have an older brother named Rodrick and a little brother named Manny. I also have perfectly normal parents and I'm living a perfectly normal life...for now. I also have a friend named Rowley (Rowley: Yay, I'm in this! Greg: Y'know, I could just change your name to Rupert. Now go away). Yeah, I don't like to talk about them that much. They're not important.Usually, I'm playing video games at my house (especially Twisted Wizard, I'm an expert at that game) until my parents kick me out and make me do something else. I also hang out with Rowley quite a bit (HANG OUT, NOT PLAY!)Sometime, this guy named Jeff Kinney STOLE MY JOURNAL and published it as a webcomic on Funbrain.com, then as a book. Unfortunately for me, I didn't become famous. That was an alternate world. But hey, I am famous in there. There are 17 books from each one of my 17 journals and they are a hit. One of the biggest book series of all time. They've been adapted into four live-action movies, two animated movies onDisney+, even a stage musical. Rowley even has his own spinoff series, but I don't like how he portrays me as a bigger jerk than I actually am. I just wish the people in MY world knew about it, because this is kind of COOL."Tropes" (I don't know what that word means) that apply to me.Adaptational Nice Guy: I guess I was a little nicer in the movies. To be fair, a lot of people were a lot nicer to movie-me than they are to me, so it makes sense.Affection-Hating Kid: Even when I was growing inside my mom,I hated being constantly subjected to my parents getting all mushy. And whenever my relatives kiss me, I'm paranoid that they'll start spreading germs.Anti-Hero: Ok, so maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I am the main character.Asshole Victim: Nope. I don't deserve anything that happens to me. I'm pretty much one of the best people I know.Attention Whore: I guess I'd be less of a jerk if more people liked me, but you gotta do what you gotta do to get people's attention.Berserk Button: A lot of things can tick me off, ESPECIALLY if you call my journal a "diary".Book Dumb: I guess I could study harder and get better grades, but if you want to see a dumb guy, look at Rodrick.Brutal Honesty: Most people don't seem to appreciate a person as honest as me. So don't ask me how George Washington ever got to be president.Butt-Monkey: Oh yeah. It seems like the whole world just HAS it for me. I mean, I get that I'm in middle school, but can you mellow out a bit, world?Can't Get Away with Nuthin': Pretty much. It's super lame and incredibly frustrating when you take everything my brothers get away with into account.Casanova Wannabe: Nope. I am great with girls. I only fail because of bad luck.Cool Loser: Everybody thinks I'm a dork, but I'm super-cool. Even cooler thanthat kid from Bluffington. I'm pretty sure he copied my idea of having a journal to write in.Deadpan Snarker: Yeah, right. Like I would actually say something sarcastic!Dirty Coward: Ok, so maybe I am a wimp, butIt Runs in the Family—when Heffleys get in trouble, Heffleys RUN.The Ditz: Hey, it's not my fault. Believe it or not, my dad took down the morning chart. No way I would put my socks over my shoes.Does Not Like Spam: I HATE watercress salad, asparagus, oatmeal raisin cookies, and deviled eggs that aren't made by my grandma.Embarrassing Nickname: "Bubby". When my little brother Manny was younger, he couldn't say "brother", so he called me "Bubby" instead. I managed to keep it a secret until he blurted it out at the school play, but I did some quick ad-libbing and deflected the embarrassment over to Archie Kelly.Enraged by Idiocy: Rowley is technically my best friend, but that is definitely subject to change. Ever since I first met him, he's been doing things that annoyed me. Honestly, sometimes I just don't know about that boy.Everyone Has Standards: Rodrick is a real jerk, but I didn't want him to flunk out of school. I helped him with his science project, and when he passes science, I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have a brother like ME.I thought that "hero point" system was really dumb, but at the same time, those jerks getting that kid (who I'll admit is actually a good guy) in serious trouble even though he earned those points legitimately made me mad.My little brother can bewayworse than me on a bad day; sometimes even I'm disturbed by how callous he is.Fatal Flaw: Sure, sometimes I do stupid things that get me in trouble, and maybe I can be a jerk at times, but I'm pretty much one of the best people I know.Freudian Excuse: Maybe I am a jerk, but I blame my parents (who love Manny more than me) and Rodrick (who's more of a jerk than me).Hates Everyone Equally: Everyone I know has seriously got some issues.Heavy Sleeper: I do love my after-school naps. The only one who loves sleeping more than I do is Rodrick.Hopeless Suitor: I have some really bad luck with girls. Anyone who would mistake me for Fregley has seriously got something wrong with them.I Just Want to Be Special: I mean, c'mon. I just want to fit in, and that's why I act like such a jerk.Insistent Terminology: It's a JOURNAL, not a diary. And when you're in middle school you have to say "hang out", not "play".It's All About Me: Well, duh.Jerkass: What do you mean I'm mean? Sure I may be a bit coarse, but like I said before, I'm pretty much one of the best people I know.Jock Dad, Nerd Son: My dad wants me to "man up" and do sports instead of playing video games all day. Once, he even tried to ship me off to military school.Kids Shouldn't Watch Horror Films: I learned this lesson the hard way. One time when Rowley slept over, we found a horror movie in Rodrick's junk drawer. Neither of us had actually seen a horror movie before, so we wanted to see what all the fuss was about. The movie was about this muddy hand that goes around the country killing people. I spent the whole summer worrying about the muddy hand.Another time, I had to help Rodrick out with his science fair project, which was called "Does Watching Violent Movies Make People Think Violent Thoughts?". I think it was really just an excuse for Rodrick and his friends to watch horror movies on school nights. I tried to imagine what a teenager might draw after watching a horror movie, but when Mom saw my drawings, she thought they were "disturbing". And that's why I was only allowed to watch G-rated movies for the rest of the year.But if you want to see "disturbing", you should see what Manny was coming up with those days. Rodrick must've left one of his movies in the DVD player, because one day when Manny went to turn on cartoons, he got Rodrick's movie instead. I've seen the pictures Manny drew after that, and some of them are enough to give ME nightmares.Loser Protagonist: I rock at video games, but I stink at everything else. You'd think that since I'm the main character, things would turn out better for me.Middle Child Syndrome: It stinks being the middle child, constantly getting tormented by Rodrick and ignored by my parents, who love Manny more than me.Narcissist: Yeah, I will be famous one day. It's the main reason I agreed to write in that stupid journal.Never My Fault: Yeah, nothing's my fault. People are out to get me.No Infantile Amnesia: I remember pretty much everything that ever happened to me, even before I was born.Not Allowed to Grow Up: To be honest with you, I feel like I've been stuck in middle school FOREVER.The Prankster: I'm always playing hilarious pranks on Rowley. Sometimes when we hang out together, we play hilarious pranks on his dad.Small Name, Big Ego: I'll be famous one day, just you wait.The Sociopath: Woah, calm down. I AMJust a Kidafter all. There are far worse characters that fit this trope, like thatoverweight kid who needs some real counselingorthat nutball from that anime-style fighting gameorthat pink-haired psycho with her own diary that can predict the future (man, why can't I have of those?). My little brother, on the other hand...Spiders Are Scary: If I were a character inCharlotte's Web, it would have been a very short book.Surrounded by Idiots: I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.Sweet Tooth: I can't function properly without a sugary snack in my lunch. I guess I inherit it from my dad—when it comes to junk food, he's a total ADDICT.Terrified of Germs:Whenever my relatives kiss me, I get paranoid that they'll start spreading germs.I'd be willing to try my mom's potato salad if it wasn't served in the same bowl that she uses when one of us kids has the flu.Toxic Friend Influence: Rowley's parents hate me and seem to think I'm a bad influence on Rowley.The Unfavorite: It's really annoying seeing Manny get special treatment because he's the youngest. Especially since even when Iwasthe youngest, I didn't get treated as well as he did. See, when you're a little kid, no one warns you that you've got an expiration date. One day you're hot stuff and the next day you're a dirt sandwich.Unreliable Narrator: Nah, everything I say is the truth. I blame people like Rodrick for making you idiots believe this.Unusual Euphemism: I'm not allowed to swear because Manny was picking up bad habits, so me and Rodrick came up with a bunch of code words that meant the same thing as the banned words, like "Spooky stork!" and "Raspberry plastic tickle bear!"Well, it looks like I'm out of paper, so I guess this is THE END.