The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser. — Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1855-10-16 00:00:00

SUPPLEMENT TO THE LIVERPOOL STANDARD. 142 agility when in a state of nature. The larger are ones eaten by all the inhabitants of Central America. Monkey-meat is rather lean, but it is tender and well flavoured, and prejudice alone can rebel against it.— Fraser's Magazine for October. A SERIOUS TRUTH.—A labourer's daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, when weary, would be frequently wishing to be married, that, as she emphatically termed it, she might rest her bones. Hymen at last listened to her prayers, and a neigh bouring clodhopper led her to the altar, nothing loath. Some time afterwards, her late mistress meeting her, asked her, " Well, Mary, have you rested your bones yet ?" "Yes, indeed," replied she, with a sigh, " I have rested my jaw-bones.' AN AMERICAN CORN REPORT.---There is such an abundance of corn in the country, that the farmers give the squirrels and crows the full liberty of their fields. The old fox squirrel that last year lay on the fence of Martin Frazier 's field and wept, is now sitting on an ear of corn with his tail curled over his back, chattering the liveliest song that ever squirrel uttered. Such times as these cheer the heart of man and beast. Young men, young girls, get married now. You sin in avoiding the duty w hi c h all things around you point out you should perform. Let not another day pass over your heads without having " the thing fixed." --- Arkansas Independent. A POST-OFFICE ROMANCE.---A young, and, of course, beautiful lady, wrote a letter from (we will say Brighton) to her lover, Mr. Arthur Trevor, an officer at Balaklava. She signed it, as romantically prudent young ladies do, with her Christian name only.-- " Ida." No answer came for a long while. At length the porter brought a letter directed " Mrs. Arthur Trevor." The young lady concluded that he had married some supplanter of her affections. Opening the letter there was her letter returned by the Post- Office authorities. She had not placed enough stamps to cover the postage, and the postmaster considered that such an affectionate strain could only have pro ceeded from the wife of the gentleman addressed. AN ANECDOTE OF CERVANTES.--Miehael Cervantes Saavedra, the author of " Don Quixote," once gave -a proof that his generosity was equal to his genius. He was, in the early part of his life, for some time a slave in Algiers ; and there he concerted a plan to free him self and thirteen fellow-sufferers. One of them traitor ously betrayed the design, and they were all conveyed to the Dey of Algiers, and he promised them their lives on condition that they discovered the contriver of the plot. I was that person, " exclaimed the in trepid Cervantes ; save my companions, and let me perish." The Dey, struck with his noble confession, spared his life, allowed him to be ransomed, and per mitted him to depart home. This writer of an incom parable romance, replete with character, incident, pleasantry, and humour, without any alloy of vulgarity, obscenity, or irreligion, which is held in admiration throughout the civilised world, starved in the midst of a high reputation, and died in penury. AN OLD MAN'S SECRET.—An Italian bishop strug gled through great difficulties without repining, and met with much opposition without betraying the least impatience. An intimate friend asked him if he could communicate his secret of being always easy. " Yes, I can teach my secret with great facility ; it consists of nothing more than making a right use of my eyes." His friend begged him to explain himself. " Most willingly," returned the bishop. " In whatever state I am, I first of all look up to heaven, and remember that my principal business is to get there. I then look down on the earth, and call to mind how small a space I shall occupy in it when I come to be interred. I then look abroad on the world, and observe what multitudes there are in all respects more unhappy than myself. Thus I learn where true happiness is placed ; where all our cares must end ; and how little reason I have to repine or complain." QUALIFICATIONS FOR THE BAR AT ALABAMA.— After the formality of an introduction, the judge said, " Well, Mr. C., you want to be examined for admit tance to the bar ?" " Yes, sir." " Well, sir, let's take something to drink. Barkeeper, give us two juleps." After drinking the juleps, the judge said, Mr. C,, can you swim ?" Yes, sir, I can," said C., greatly surprised. " Well, sir, let's take another drink. Barkeeper, two cocktails." The cocktails vanished, and the judge said, " Mr. C., have you got a horse P" " Certainly, sir," said C. " Very good," said the / judge, as soberly as though charging a grand jury. " Mr. C., if you please, we'll take a drink. Barkeeper, two toddies." The toddies disappear, and C. owns he began to f ee l ra th er q ueer . " M r. C.,' said the judge, " can your horse swim ?" " Yes, sir, he can ; for I have tried him from necessity." " Then, Sir," said the judge, with increasing gravity, " your horse can swim, and you can swim, and by —, I think you are well qualified for an Alabama lawyer. Give me your commission, and I will sign it. Mean while, barkeeper, give us two punches for my friend, Mr. C., and myself. " Mr. C.," continued the judge, " I drink success to your admission to the Alabama bar."—Boston Times. I A YANKEE Dimr.—A gentleman from New York, who had bee n i n B os t on for the purpose of collecting some money due to him in that city, was about return ing, when he found that one bill of one hundred dollars had been overlooked. His landlord, who knew the debtor, thought it a "doubtful case ;" but added that if it was collectable at all, 'A tall, raw-boned Yankee, then dunning a lodger in another part of the house, would " annoy it out of the man." Calling him up, therefore, he introduced him to the creditor, who showed him the account. " Wal, 'square, 'taint much use tryin', I guess. I know that critter. You might as well try to squeeze ile out of Bunker Hill monu ment as to c'lect a debt o' him. But anyhow, what do you give me s'sposin I do try ?" " Well, sir, the bill ix one hundred dollars. I'll give you—yes, give you half, if you collect it." " 'Greed!" replied the col lector ; " there's no harm in tryin', any way." ' Some weeks after the creditor chanced to be in Boston; and, in walking up Tremont-street, happened to encounter his enterprising friend. " Look'e here !" said the Yankee, " I had considerable luck with that bill of your'n. You see I stuck to him like a dog to a root ; but for the first week or so 'twant no use---not a bit ! If he wasn't at home, he was short ; if he was at home, I could get no satisfaction. By and by, says I, after going sixteen times, I'll fix you ; so I sot down on the door step, and sot all day and part of the evenin', and began airly next day ; but about ten o'clock he gin in. He paid me my half, and I gin him up the note !" THE HERO AND THE BAGMAN.—Not long since there were in the public room of the principal hotel at Athlone four commercial travellers, quietly sitting for dinner. Three of them were Irishmen, representing Dublin firms, who, having concluded their business for the day, were busy writing out their orders for the evening post. The fourth was an Englishman, con nected with a firm in the Sheffield trade ; but he, not having been so fortunate in obtaining orders as his companions, had nothing to do but silently muse on the absurdity of the Irish custom of dining at five o'clock, instead of the more rational hour of one. All parties being thus occupied the door opened, and in walked a tall, erect, military sort of man, who evidently had seen a large share of service, both at home and in our Indian possessions. He looked at the company in silence, without moving a single muscle, except to give an extra twist to his fine moustache, and then quietly paced the room, ever and anon giving a side-glance at the busy writers. At last he muttered, in a sotto voce whisper, " Commercials—commercials." The Dublin ers knew their man, and could scarcely refrain from laughing outright : while the Sheffield man darted a look of defiance at the intruder, as sharp as the points of his penknives. The old gentleman continued his walk up and down the room, and, again glancing at the writers, a second time murmured out, " Commer cials—commercials." Flesh and blood could stand that no longer ; the Englishman took it for a direct insult to his order, and responded sharply, " Yes, sir, we are commercials ;' we belong to as respectable a lot of men as any in the community ; and we would like to know what business you have to come into our room to insult us ?" The old soldier, in the blandest manner, begged to assure the gentlemen that he had not the most remote intention of insulting them ; but the man of metal was not to be pacified by a few soft, honeyed words, and retorted, Yes, sir, you have insulted us ; the silent, contemptuous glance you gave at the com pany when you entered our room—the curl , on the upper lip—and then calling us commercials' with such a supercilious air—all go to prove the intended but unprovoked insult. I can tell you, sir, we are as useful a set of men to our employers as they are to us ; and further, sir, we . are quite as valuable member s o f so ciet y as any barrack serjeant, no matter how big his mous tache may be ?" The general—for such he was—now SaNY at a glance that he had made wrong move, had [OCTOBER 16, 18'55. 11 ' taken up a false position, and, in fact , that he 1:41t7 " caught a Tartar.' He, therefore, as quick as I d ning, changed his whole line of defen ce, and stePPott up to the enraged commercial, replied, " Give ine,. ! I hand, old fellow, for I see you are a regular bris;44 love a fellow that will stand up for his class an : 40 0 against all corners ; and to assure you tha eithern con idea or intention of insulting or offending or this company, I would stop and dine with only I am particularly engaged to dine out this esini with an old friend, and would not like to W .6 '4 agreement. But, to prove my sincerity, if rtitle allow me, I will be most happy to treat y ou to arbere of wine." The open, frank manner of the 0 14 the completely changed the feelings and bearing u` ft y Yorkshireman, and, joined to that, the prospect of old port melted away his passion as rapidly sinks before the midday sun. The general n°" j i eg he had carried the day, and proceeded to pull thie and summon the old waiter, who entered °DV white apron up to his chin, and, making his I fili tVir (for he is one of the old school), inquired okr, " worthy honours" might please to want. jo waiter," said the old general, " these gentlenienyoe derstand, have ordered dinner." " Yes , my lord,'Lldied for four." " Well, I would have stopped an d 0 with them, but I am engaged out : you will, theL e ili o , supply them with four bottles of wine at t ni t iot and charge them in my bill. Take care, waite r ', c 0 you supply them with the best wine the ilc dis s lo' afford, so that they may drink a bumper to the he d ,J • id thenl ( j( of General Lord Gough. He then biL day, and shaking hands most warmly with Ole o ' e of shireman, hoped they would have the Ple as tterlD meeting again. Thus parted, on the best 0 1 , 1er , 1 1 the old Tipperary general and the " master etl,',4re the old hero is fond of fame—and most of his el —he has made a first-rate investment with '13,01)" that he paid for the four bottles of wine ; for tll e abo Englishman is going round telling the story, al l , 0 4 he shook hands with a real-life lord, owes s of q°l4lr forth his lordship's praise with all the p pressure steam engine. d " SPIRIT OF PIEV-"L" w hat HUMAN FORGIVENESS.—Let sa: w e 10; will, man is not vindictive. Here for Year s _ - t h e Vi, been subjected to the daily torture of wearing sirre ttF and we haven't even preserved the name of the who invented it ! F r iet THE SWEETEST MOMENT OF FRIENDSHIP. teoPk ship dearly loves to crack its nut after dinuer'bott especially when it has at its side a friend and a li a of wine (both of whom have been mellowed a sit. proved by age), the better to enable it to orae%aeci° A KINDLY CRITIC.---One who gives you an awkward pass to help you over the style. : fis ,lo o / : ' FROM THE HIGHLANDS.---A very suspie'S; e l .o 4 ing eagle has been observed hovering about bird palace palace of Balmoral. It is supposed that t i ll e a ,co E te", ill-omen has an eye towards Her Majesty's c le t i bar - A CERTAINTY AS SAFE AS THE BANIL,• - re ut i u lt :P note is frequently cut in two, and sent on can e ' 0 1. `„, through the post to ensure its safe deliverS' ic ed °A"; it is with Sebastopol; we have already rec e. " half, and expect the remittance of the othe l 4 /111 9r the,arrival of the next despatches. GREAT BENEFIT OF THE COUNTRY.-' -A KO Cockney says : " There is certainly one decide tage that a person derives from living in the,e,"6007, and that is, it enable s hi m t o wear ou t his ? i ts '," and boots, and t o p u t on suc h worn - ou t 5hay...". 7 te A generally as he never could think of wearing'l" ceder DROPPING A LINE.—The clever fellows wi l° ,,„ e iA; took to lay down the elect r i c t e l egra ph for cel a ia 1 cation between England and America hav e e down so thoroughly that nobody can get it np o ee# The whole of the cabl e h as d ro pp e d into the and the only person who will receive any tion through this t e l egra ph i s o ld Father IsTePoo : who is destined to be literally " troubled with a for a large t w i s t e d ro p e a t the bottom of o ne 1, must be a source o f very cons id era bl e annoyane e ,l THE DUBE OF S OMERSET : "W HAT D O YOU I T ' 4 ' IJO r ---The Duke of S omerse t h as ta k en th e earliest 01)50 tunity of c e l e b ra ti ng hi s access i on t o his title, t further illustrating that magnanimous conteulPer courtesy that distinguished him as L ord pftoe 4 mour. His Grac e , it ma y be remembered, r - e cer to give security of voting to tradesmen, becaus ,t I,t,t