The Press. — London, England, 1855-01-20 00:00:00

JANUARY 20, 1855. WHICH NEWCASTLE? The want of fuel is very severely felt in front by all the troops. Is there no owl in Herscles ? le Nsweastk exhausted t—Ttstes, Jan. 14,1865. Yes, forsooth! hut which Newcastle ? That on Tyne or Under-line, Or the one at Clumber Castle? We can vouch for this Newcastle. This Newcastle, gentle querist, Is exhausted, as thou hearest; All its surface coal and coke, Long has vanish'd into smoke, And the small-coal it can raise Flickers,—how unlike its blaze To the Pitts of former days ! This is not the coal to lighten Looks of gloom or homes to brighten, Driving► chill, corroding damp From the cottage, Court, or camp ; This is not a coal that throws Radiant heat o'er winter snows, That struggles with encroaching frost, Revives the numb, restores the lost, And kindles up the hearts of heroes When sinking to their several zeros. If other sources fed the fires Whiclt of old rejoiced our sires, And supplied a conquering nation's Bonfires and illuminations, This will only steam and smoulder As we colder grow and colder. Never shall we fully warm us By a festal blaze enormous, Never hold victorious wassail By the light of this Newcastle. VOLUNTEERING FOR THE FOREIGN LEGION. A WHITEHALL LIBRETTO. [Enter VoLuNTERn for the Foreign Legion, tastefully attired in blouse and slouch cap. Deposits carpet lag, and address., O'MULLIO kN, MO, B.] Aut—" The Red, White, and Blue. VOLUNTEER. Oh! Beeler! now bleese swill you show to A soldier by guilders inspired The probber War•ofice to go to, Where Voreign Inlistmints is hired? 150, B. Oh ! then 'tis myself can't acquaint ye— I think 'tis ne'er one o' the two ; Can't ye go to the devils that sent ye? I'm bothered till all's black and blue. There's one round the corner behind there, There's t'other right over the way; But what sort of business they mind there, Neither clerk, scout, or porter can say. And faith, if you're only so diver As this puzzle to find your way thro', You'll be able your way to diskiver Right into Sebastopol too. [Exit VOLUNTYER to the Minister of War's Um] VOLUNTEER. Oh ! Portaire ! Portaire, can you tell, Will a soldier, bound to sell To the best account his wares, Find a purchaser up-stairs? PORTER. It ain't in my line—l cawn't indeed. P'raps they'll tell you overhe-e-ad. [V, aseencis to the Arai-floor.] VOLUNTEER. Clerk with Times and back to fire, Migb•. a man of-arms inquire Vacancies, and what's the pay? CLERK. No, he mayn't, it's o'er the way ! Read on, Jones ! " The snow is passed ; The tents can almost stand the blast ; Nothing decisive since my last" VOLUNTEER. Mein Gott! It must be here, I swear! They told me here right over there ! CLERK. Come, get along, and you take care You ain't locked up for jabb'ring there. [Vournm toff down and main assaila 160, B. of VOLUNTEER. Oh ! Beeler upon me have pity ; Where's "here " and " there," tell me, I pray? 150, B. Och ! that I were back in the city. Move on wid ye out o' my way ! VoLusr€Eu (exit soliloquising). If "here" is " there," it must be plain That " there's " not " here "—l'll cross again ! LEWers War•efice.) PORTER. I say, hold hard ! hi! hollo ! you! I thought I said you can't go through. VOLUNTEER. I will, tho' the Lord May'r said no ! • CLERIC (entering). Oh! Ah! I see ! You—oh !—ah I—oh ! Yoti d better walk about a week or so ! And then indeed we'll—that is—perhaps, we'll try To which department you are to apply. [Exit VOLUXULER tearing his hair, and swearing he'll go through Prussia to the Czar] THE PRESS. COUNCILS OF A MORIBUND CABINET. [Our Reporter expressly engaged to attend Cabinet Councils has sent in his resigna tion, stating that the rapidity with which these meetings now succeed one another, and the confusion and scramble which pervades them all in consequence of the ap proaching meeting of Parliament, render it an unprofitable task to attempt to re cord the proceedings. He furnishes the following as a specimen of what is taking place, and he adds the recondite quotation, ex eno diets omnes.l THE COUNCIL CHAMBER. PnEnter—The Lord President, and several other of the Ministers. PRESIDENT: Now—now—silence, pray. Is that understood? I mean, is it distinctly understood that no one is to attempt to speak about the war except Herbert, myself, and Grabam? Because you know it really will not do to have everybody contradicting everybody else. Lord PALMERSTON (demurely): I solemnly promise not to speak upon the subject, unless I am asked to do so. Sir C. WOOD : I should have liked to be left to use my own discre tion. I believe that I could throw light upon the subject. Besides, am bound to speak on the affairs of India, and as it is well known that Russia is intriguing on the south-western—no, I mean the great northern—at least on the Persian side, whichever that is, I should naturally be led to the general question. PRESIDENT : My dear Wood, your precise information and luoidus ordo are invaluable, but we must act in concert. The awful mess that was made by some of us taking independent lines of defence, and making dates to fit such separate defences, must not be ventured upon again. Lord CLARENDON : I will furnish everybody, if you like, with a list of the real dates of all that has taken place, and then the amateurs won't blunder. But I agree with the Lord President, that the fewer talkers the better. PRESIDENT : Well, now about other matters. Has anybody the least idea of what bills we last agreed to bring in ? There are Hall's two, but he stipulates that nobody shall know anything about them. Did we settle that we would promise the Ecclesiastical Courts Bill ? Lord ABERDEEN : Somebody was to ask Cockburn or Bothell about it. Who undertook to do that? Lord CHANCELLOR ; I did. Lord ABERDEEN : Well—and did you? Lord CHANCELLOR; I asked Bethell. PRESIDENT (impatiently): Well, well ? Lord CHANCELLOR : He said it was no use explaining the matter to me, as I had nothing to do with it, and could not understand it, and that you must leave it implicitly to him. PRESIDENT : His words, I know. " I read them very Richard," as Shakspeare says. However, if he undertakes the thing, that's enough. Now, as to savings' banks. CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER (hastily) : Leave that to me, if you please. PRESIDENT : Don't be so hot, my dear fellow. Nobody thought of interfering with you. CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER: Well, leave the subject alone. I will see to it. PRESIDENT May I speak of the newspaper stamp ? CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER (recovering his temper): Speak on anything, my dear Russell ; you are always instructive. I was, indeed, about to suggest to you that you might make the giving up this stamp a feature in your programme of the session. If I were you I would sketch the history of newspapers, beginning with the spurious Mere"• rius in the Museum, and after gradually tracing their influence through the Augustan age of England, down to the Family Herald, I would take credit for arriving at the conclusion that fiscal fetters ought to be struck from the wing of knowledge—or something of that sort. PRESIDENT : And not hint that the resolution of last year has any thing to do with it ? CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER: Certainly not. You had made up your mind to abolish the stamp long before Milner Gibson brought forward the question. Can anybody say you had not? PRESIDENT (suspiciously): But this subject is in your department. Why do you propose to give it up to me ?