The Press. — London, England, 1855-05-12 00:00:00

MAY 12, 1855. HEIGH JOHN, HO JOHN. " Have you been to Austria, heigh John, ho John ? Have you been to Austria, ho ?" " To Austria I've been to a city they call Wien, Where we sat down a dozen in a row, We sat down a dozen in a row." " And who wore the company, heigh John, ho John ? Who were the company, ho ?" " There were Drouyn de Lhuys, Prince Gortschakott and me— My grammar here for rhyme's sake I forego, My grammar here for rhyme's sake I forego." " But you were not the only ones, John, heigh John, ho John? You were not the only ones, ho?" " No, surely 'twould be cruel if I shuuld forget Count Buol And De Titoff (which we English call Tito), De Titoff (which we English call Tito)." " Go on with the list, Johnny, heigh John, ho John— Go on with the list, Johnny, ho." " Well of course I musn't Lurks all mention of the Turk, Who in long•tail'd coat and fez look'd rather low, Who in long-tail'd coat and fez look'd rather low." " But tell U 3 what you did, Johnny, heigh John, ho John— Tell us what you did, Johnny, ho." "Well, I tried to make some speeches in the tongue de Porquot teaches, But my colleagues seem'd to think them rather slow, My colleagues seem'd to think them rather slow." " But speeches don't make treaties, Johnny, heigh John, ho John, Speeches don't make treaties, Johnny, ho." " No, for when I spoke of Somers to those wretched German dummera, They only shrugged their shoulders and said They only shrugged their shoulders and said' So; " " Is it true you went to mass, Johnny, heigh John, ho John ? Is it true you went to mass, Johnny, ho ?" " Yes, I went to mass and knuckled; some will say I basely truckled, And great Cumming will denounce me as a foe, Dr. Cumming will denounce me as a foe." " Don't you think 'twas rather mean, Johnny, heigh John, ho John? Don't you think 'twas rather mean, Johnny, ho ? For a man of your connections to be making genuflexions And performing iu a Popish puppet-show, Performing ia a Popish inippet-ahow? " You have done us little credit, Johnny, heigh John, ho John, You have done us little credit, Johnny, ho— With your meek compliant graces, and your affable grimaces, Such as Enfiland's statesmen were not wont to show, Such as England's statesmen were not wont to show. " And now you have come back to us, heigh John, ho John, Now you have come back to us, ho— Having miserably failed and nought at all availed, Oh, I fear, John, you're a sorry Plenipo, I fear, John, you're a sorry Plenipo." THE JAUNTY JESTER; OR, COMPLETE HANDBOOK TO PARLIAMENTARY FLIPPANCY. BY THE PREMIER OF ENGLAND. Wen. WAR is a serious thing, and one which tends to make people unhappy. Therefore, if you are a true patriot, you will try to raise their spirits by dealing lightly with the subject. Therefore, for instance, if anybody asks you whether it be true that the 205th Regiment lost three hun dred men during the last month, answer that it is possible, but hardly probable, because at the beginning of the last month that regiment had been killed down to two hundred and fifty. _ ..... If you are asked whether another regiment has ample supply of medicines, say you really don't know, but you should think so, from the way they physicked the Russians in the last encounter. If you are asked whether the port wine sent out was not very bad, say that it is very likely, but that people are glad of any port in a storm. If an inquisitive member inquires whether you have any !tidings from the Crimea, reply that Lord Raglan reminded you of the news paper editor who wrote that he " had stopped the press to say that there was no news." If anybody asks what had become of the Sardinian Contingent — see if he is a lawyer, and, if so, answer that some of them were drowned, but you don't know what had become of the Contingent Remainders. If any remark is made about the behaviour of the Scotch regiments, say that they were always eager to come to the scratch. If you are asked as to the climate, and its effects upon the troops, say that they have had a good deal of weather, of one kind and another, but that you doubt not they will do their duty weather pr no, THE PRESS. RELIGION. FINANCE. AN OLD SONG. (TO THE PROPER TUNE.) If England's old system was bad, was bad, If our system was thoroughly bad— All Europe it shook, 'Neath the hand of " the Duke"; But " Dukes " aro not now to be had, be had, They're not every day to be had ! One foolish Phaeton, they say, they say, One foolish Phaeton, they say— Like a Pelham, so bold, Of the Sun's reins took hold, And then let the steeds take their way, their way, And in fear let the steeds take their way. But more like to th© picture we've seen, we've seen, The print of two ploughboys we've seen, Who knew not its use, But raised the mill-sluice, Are Newcastle and Herbert, we ween, we ween, Are the two Secretaries, we ween. If you have sent out orders to the fleet, say that you have issued a certain instruction to the Admiral, and bade him tell that to the Marines. THIS is a mutter about which some people think differently, and wiser folks don't think at all. You must not actually shock people's prejudices by laughing at the topic outright, but you should show that you are only tolerant of it, because it is proper to be polite. Answers upon this subject must depend upon the questions and the place. In the House of Commons you had better treat the thing gently. If a Fast is spoken of you can he amusing upon the advantage of an empty stomach for relieving the conscience, and ring the changes on irreligion and indigestion, with a pleasant fling at the Fast• school. If a Bishop is referred to, say that the country must be much in debted to the right reverend prelate for his well-meant exertions in the matter in question, though you cannot think, with King Richard, that " for this, among the rest, was he ordained." But in the country you may be more free and easy, for it is a doctrine of mine, and you should adopt it. that it does not matter what one says "out of the House." So there you may make any fun you like—talk of the article of Pedestrinariasm, and any jokes about Original Sin will have a good effect. I could tell you a few good things of this kind, but jokes on religion are so easy that they will readily occur to you. I would, however, remind you that you must not joke against Roman Catholic absurdities. The priests and the rabble won't stand it, and you may do mischief at elections. THE joke of my speaking on this subject at all is so good that it is hardly necessary for me to go into smaller fun. But there is always something to be said about a loan having been favorably taken—in fact, " letting well &Loan," about its being easier to convert the Stocks than the Jews who job them, and—l need hardly add—about John " Bull," and the Russian " Bear." But on the whole I have found out that Englishmen think money matters too serious a subject for jest. They are like the clerk in the India-house, who sat near some ribald people in a coffee-house in Leadenhall-street, and, after enduring much profanity and disloyalty, he found his companions beginning on the Company, so he interposed—" Gentlemen, I have sat quietly by, and have heard my King insulted, and my GOD blasphemed, but when you attack the Honourable East India Company, you become personal, and I must leave the place." That's the English notion of the sacred• ness of money, so take care how you speak lightly of it. By the way, I mean to tell that story in the House. With regard to our military system. I think the manner In which It lire been worked In peace has rendered it not expansive enough for a tune of war. A ha 4 syskon with yood men, however, is better than a good system wit\ badmen.—Mr. Sidney Herbert' xamination. If you meet a bad system, what then? what then? If you've got a had system, what then? When its faults are all tried, Why then throw it aside, And rest, if you can, on THE MEN ! THE MEN ! And rest, if you can, on THE MEN ! Then if we've bad system, what then ? what then ? If we've got a bad system, what then? When its faults are all tried, Why then east it aside, And LET ENGLAND LOOK OUT FOR GOOD MEN! GOOD MEN! LET ENGLAND LOOK Our FOR GOOD MEN! THE GREAT WANT OF THE AGE--- ILL-DRESSED GOVERNMENT CLERKS. The aspiring young fry of gooseqiiille, with acyf collars, who' never condescend to answer • question.—(Mr. Francis flennoch's Speech at the Meeting of the Society for AdmiuistraUve Reform) Time*, May 7th, 1843. The " Great Topsy. Turvy Association, For effecting a general alteration In every part of our Administration," WANTS some ill-lookirg youths, of dirty complexions, With good business habits, and bad conuectioa, troops, say that they nave uau a goou ueill V/ Tv Gablr/al.)/ and another, but that you doubt not they will do their duty weather WANTS some ill-lookirg youths, of dirty complexions, Qt. no, With good business habits► and bad conuectiopa,