The Press. — London, England, 1856-11-15 00:00:00

NOVEMBER 15, 1856. THE RESS. NAPLES SOAP OR , THE POLITICAL FIGARO. Naples soap! Without any trope, I'll tell you a tale about Naples soap. ONCE upon a time there was a Barber. He was in a large way of business, like the Barber of Seville, but he served a different class of customers. Some barbers have been the servants and ministers of kings—such, for example, was Oliver Dain ; but it was the boast of this barber that he never served despots. He simply shaved patriots and the refugees of oppressed nations. He had hung out his pole and basin in different directions. He had kept shop on both sides the street. He had trimmed up old Whigs. He had tried to change the fashion, while Whigs were extant, by a " New Whig Guide." He had invented a whisker-dye, and tested its efficacy in person. He had been fertile in dodges, yet his credit languished At one time ho had got into trouble, and was served with notice to quit in consequence of his connection with a Pourtu guese Jew, who, it was even said, kept a public boarding-house. At length he had recourse to the device of his craft, and for months a large placard hung from his window informing the passersby that a Bear was about to be slaughtered. The patriots and refugees stroked their beards in anticipation. Kossuth and Mazzini each ordered a pot of the grease, and the public were invited to compete for the hams. An old sailor was displayed at the door sharpening his cutlass. But when the day appointed fur the slaughter came, the bear's hams were voted to be gammon, and the grease was such as is ordinarily sold in bladders to the buttertnan to enable that functionary to adulterate the butter of his country. The travelling bagmen who took a specimen to the French Perruquiers were laughed at and hustled, and were told in substance to go home again and acquire a knowledge of their business. The refugees and patriots disdained the glossy article, and walked about with dishevelled locks, and the Barber was seriously thinking of putting up his shutters. But a thought struck him. To shave the patriots as before, for they like to be shaved, ho advertised a new lather. The most obdurate beards were to be instantly mollified by the application of a little Naples soap. Now Naples soap should rightly be made of olive oil, but the Barber's was made chiefly of a different ingredient. The Pam oil in the Pam-tree grows, The Pam oil from the Pam-tree flows, And the Pam in place of the olive goes Into his Naples soap. Olive oil, as the major part of the world believes, is an emollient; Pam oil, as the residue knows, is an irritant. The latter has an ex citing influence when poured upon troubled waters. It was tried in the Bay of Fundy and the Gulf of Mexico, and it created quite a tempest in the Baltic and the Black Sea. Of course such an article would not make the best shaving-lather. In fact, it was ludicrous to see the wry faces which the regular customers of the Barber assumed under its application. They fretted and fumed, but they dared not complain, for the Barber held them tightly by the nose, and flourished away with shaving-brush and razor. If they told him his soap was a sham, he might wilfully cut them. So they compared their discomforts warily and quietly at the Coppock Arms and at Brookes's Coffee-house. " We are shaved cheap," said one. " And shamefull) ," said another. " At a considerable profit to the shaver," said a third. " This new soap," said a fourth, "is a spurious article, not fit to wash the sheep of our Commons at shearing time." " A slippery fudge," said a fifth. " Made of Russian tallow," exclaimed the Refugees. " Or of Carlton kitchen grease," muttered the Patriots. " Worse even than the Pate Bourbon or the Old Brown Windsor." " Not to be compared to the stuff of which we blew bubbles when we were young " " In short, it's a swindle," cried the Patriots and Refugees in chorus. These murmurs of his customers reached the ears of the Barber as he was in the act of fitting a new wig upon a block " Hang the fellows," said he. " What do they mean by abusing my soap ? They're all ready to use it; and as to its value, if there is not much of it goes to the cakes, at least it's reckoned priceless by the Bar. The new Chief Justiee knew its virtues long ago." " Besides," said his assistant, " it's so handy for washing your new clothes." " What clothes?" said the Barber. " The clothes you stole from the Tory gentlemen when they in turn were caught bathing." When the Barber heard that his last trick was discovered he bolted. X. SIR BENJAMIN HALL AND THE SEWER COMMISSIONERS. ( The resemblance to Tennyson is doubtless accidental.) Ask me no more ! you're mooney—don't you see You've bothered me, by Heaven, with every shape Of trap and fall and outlet and escape. But Bazalgette !—when have I answered thee ? Ask me no more! Ask me no more—what answer should I give ? Your plan is hollow ! Sirs, its all my eye ! I don't want all the citizens to die. Ask me no more !—I say, live and let live! Ask me no more ! Ask me no more! Of course the smell's a bore, But what'll the Erith folks say to your drain? Will the great river bear it to the main? Ask yourselves that—well—well ! I'll think it o'er. Ask me next week ! 1093 MINUTES OF TUESDAY'S COUNCIL. PRESENT.—The Viscount Palmerston, the Lori Chancellor, Earl Granville, the Mar quis of Lansdowne, the Earl of Harrowby. Sir George Grey, Earl of Clarendon. Mr. Secretary Labouchere, Lord Paninure, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Sir Charles Woad, the Right Hon. R. Vernon Smith, Lord Stanley of Alderley, Mr. M. T. Baines, and the Duke of Argyll. The LORD PRESIDENT congratulated the Council on its reassembling in good health and spirits. Thanks unanimous, except the Duke of Argyll dissentient, having a cold itt his head. The Lord PALMERSTON specially directed minute of this fact to he made. Minutes of last Council read, and last resolution by which it was decided that the best course was " to take a holiday and trust to good luck " (altered, on motion of Sir G. Grey, to " Providence"). The Lord PALMERSTON briefly reviewed the events of the interval. He and Lord Clarendon had done all that was necessary and prudent, and now we were in an extraordinary mess. There was no use in dis guising it there, whatever it might be patriotic and proper to say else where. He sketched our various difficulties with Russia, Turkey, France, Prussia, Naples, and Sardinia. Mr. VERNON SMITH begged to say that he had gone to war with Persia. It was resolved, on the motion of the Lord LANSDOWNE, that Mr. Vernon Smith should be silent. The Duke of ARGYLL wished to propose a plan for settling all difficulties, and was prepared to assume the responsibility of so doing. It was resolved, oil the simultaneous motion of the rest of the Cabinet, that his Grace should be silent. The Lord CLAREsnoN asked what the Cabinet thought of another war with Russia. A .3, Sir CHARLES WOOD highly approved that plan, and offered imme diately to telegraph to Portsmouth to desire everybody to look alive. The Lord PANMURE thought, on the contrary, that war would give a great deal of trouble to persons who had no right to expect such addition to their labours. The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER also objected, having a plan for a Budget which war would disarrange. Mr. VERNON SMITH begged to say that he had gone to war with Persia. Reminded of the resolution on that subject, explained that he had now a right to speak, as war was under discussion, and Russia might help Persia. Held that this was a subterfuge, and Mr. Vernon Smith requested to be silent. Lord CLARENDON said that they were not now assembled with an eye to Parliament, ai that very week there would be another proroga tion, and another after that. There was ample time, therefore, for maturing a scheme of policy. Question by Sir GEORGE GREY how the Noble Lord had gone on without. a scheme of policy hitherto ? Answer by the Lord PALMERSTON that the question was an objectionable one. Repeated by Sir GEORGE GREY. Answer that it was impertinent. Sir George Grey retired. The LORD CHANCELLOR, apologising for intruding (and desiring such apology to be entered on Minutes), requested to know whether he was to reform the law in any way this session. Answer by the Lard PALMERSTON. Certainly, and that he had better go home and do it. The Lord Chancellor retired. The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER had not much time for reading the newspapers, being engaged in going once more through Pausanias, but had noticed something about an unpleasantness with France. Was there anything in it? Answer by the Lord PALMERSTON that matters were pretty smooth for the present, but that he hoped to alter all that before long. Mr. VERNON SMITH begged to say that he had gone to war with Persia. Again reminded of the resolution, replied that the Chancellor of the Exchequer ought to be made aware of the fact. This was allowed, but Mr. Vernon Smith was required to be silent. On the motion of the Lord PALM RSTON, it was agreed that foreign affairs should not be further discussed until the return of M. de Per signy from Paris. On the motion of the same, members of the Cabinet were requested to submit the titles of any measures they considered should be introduced this session. No member having any suggestion to make, Address by the Lord PALMERSTON, remonstrating in terms of seve rity upon the want of imagination which was displayed by his col leagues He had asked for a programme, and must have one. He had not intended to require more than suggestions ; the Government law yers would prepare the bills, and would qualify each person to whose department they belonged to make the speech on introducing them. He himself would take the work of withdrawing them at a late period of the session. He did not think that this was much to ask of official men ; and he considered that he had a right to complain of not receiving adequate support. The Duke of ARGYLL said that if the Lord President would give him a pen he could write with, he would dash off the titles of a dozen measures of the very highest importance which he was prepared to bring in. resolved that the Lord President should not give the Duke of Argyll a pen which his Grace could write with. Mr. VERNON SMITH begged to say that he had gone to war with Persia. Reminded of the resolution, urged that it was his excuse for not having prepared any bills. Held that this was a subterfuge, and Mr. Vernon Smith directed to be silent. Letter received from Sir B. H.ill, Chief Commissioner of Works, inviting the Cabinet to attend at Westminster on Thursday at eleven o'clock, and hear the Great Bell tried. Resolved unanimously that Sir B. Hall was a great bore with his bell, and letter ordered, in reply, thanking him kindly. Mr. VERNON SMITH inquired when he was to make his statement about the war with Persia. [The Council broke up.,