The Press. — London, England, 1856-01-26 00:00:00

4. , JANUARY 26, 1856. PAM. (80/1/8.) " Well, Russia accepts the terms of Peace, And TIIE PRESS is right, and the war will cease, And the Government people talk like geese, Aud the stockjobbing folks have contrived to fleece The noodles who thought the Funds wouldn't increase ; And the Whigs, with a somewhat sudden caprice, And foreseeing the end of their places' lease, No longer cackle for blood or war, But as " gently as any woodpigeons " roar. " This is all very well—but we must not crow Till we're out of the wood, for the Peace you know Must depend very much on the Plenipo We send to concoct it ; and although There's plenty of Ministers ready to go, I don't think we've many who'd make a show If pitted with Buol or Baron Titow. As for poor John Russell ! confound it, no! Why, the Whigs themselves, tho' they're rather slow In moral perception, and somewhat low In their standard of truth, can't forget the blow He dealt at their faction ten months ago; And I've seen their faces like hot fire glow When I've " chaffed" them about his overthrow ; And I own I was pleased as I've mutter'd, " So " A Whig can feel something, his blood can flow " And is not altogether made of snow, " Though they're not very genial souls I trow."— But all this time I'm forgetting. Oh ! What on earth shall I do for a Plenipo? Johnny's love for shuffling we've cause to fear ; Clarendon's wanted over here ; Argyll's a prig, and Charles Wood's so queer; George Grey's a deuced deal too austere ; We never could think of poor Labouchere ; Granville talks French like any Nlounseer, But be's not very wily, that nice young Peer— No, I think the Council's his proper sphere. 'Pon my honour I do not mean to sneer At my colleagues' merit; I could not jeer At their humble talents, which I revere; But it's deuced odd, it doesn't appear There's one among 'em—in fact, 'tis clear— But ha! here's the Times, let us draw it near— Hurrah ! Eureka! I see ! I hear! Why, it never occurred to me, dear, oh dear ! Why of course I'm the man who should interfere To turn the pruning-hook into a spear (That ain't quite the quotation) ; and 'twill appear The very best joke of the coming year (Tho' I'll make a few which the House shall cheer) For me, who have sought to domineer And bluster in every hemisphere, Standing forth as Rebellion's Pioneer, And invoking the aid of the cannoneer To bully poor Greece and such small deer, To check all of a sudden my wild career, And, aping the wisdom of sober sense, Sit down to a solemn conference. I should think my appointment would rather stun The Powers of Europe : but that's the fun ! Fancy the Conference just begun, And me cheek by jowl with fellows who'd shun " Yours truly" as much as the Ancient One From holy water is said to run ! Oh, yes! I'm the man, and it must be done, And so must poor Granville—excuse my puu." (A fit of immoderate laughing at this last witty sally prevented the Noble Viscount continuing his monologue. COOKING "THE SPEECH." (From a Ministerial Paper.) strenuously oppose all persons who, like my opponent in the present election, bare been chiefly instrumental in producing so desirable a result. My London Committee will meet at the " Trafalgar," where all additional HELPS and assistance will be most thankfully received and gratefully acknowledged. I have the honour to be, Yours, faithfully, GEORGE DINMAN, M.A. 41, Eaton-place North, London, January, OUR NEW PLENIPOTENTIARY'S SOLILOQUY. The Prime Minister of England, the leader of the House of Commons, is also at this moment the complete repiesentative of the feeling anti spirit of the English people, and i n t h at, t h e hi g hest character of the three, wetrust he will not refuse his services to the nation which he has saved from disgrace and conducted to victory.—Times, Jan. 22. CONSIDERAALE difficulty having occurred i►► the composition of the Speech with which her Majesty's Ministers propose to open Parliament on Thursday next (such difficulty having chiefly arisen from the fact that the Cabinet has little to say, except what prudential reasons make it undesirable should be said at the present or any other juncture), the Viscount Palmerston, with his usual decision and prompt resource, desired that each of his colleaguesj should frame his own paragraph restricting himself to subjects connected with his own department. This proposal was hailed with acclamation, and the following contribu tions were handed in to the Premier, to be fused by him into the Speech from the Throne. There will be no difficulty in assigning each to its author. After the usual introductory words of greeting and congratulation, it was proposed to say : Paragraph 2.—The struggle with a great European Power has, I am happy to say, been continued in a w a y wor thy o f thi s nation and the cause it had in hand. Mainly in consequence of the admirable arrangements at the War-office, which is now in a state of perfect working unsurpassed within the memory of the oldest clerk there, Sebastopol fell, and there can be nu doubt that to the energetic step taken by the individual in charge of that department, who boldly altered his title from Secretary for War to that of War Secretary, may be attributed the destruction of the enemy's stores, and his willing ness to accept terms of peace. Paragraph 3 —The negotiations which are now in progress have not reached that stage at which it would be desirable to discuss them ; but they may be safely left to the wisdom and sagacity of the indi vidual at the head of the Foreign-office. The blessings of peace are very great ; but, if they are to be purchased at the price of Ministerial changes at home, it may become the duty of that individual to take care that, at all events, every step is duly weighed, and no extraor dinary facility given to negotiation. Paragraph 4.—1 regret to state that in one part of India—the Mofussil, which is on the eastern coast, between the Himalayan side of the Hoogly and Tranquebar—some disturbances have broken out among the Sanscrits—a barbarous nation, chiefly cannibals—but, owing to the vigilance and energy of the individual at the head of the Board of Control, the revolters have been driven over the Indus, and are not likely to be heard of again. Paragraph 5.—1 continue to receive from all the colonies a regular supply of letters and newspapets ; and, from the noble subscription which they have sent to the Patriotic Fund, it may be fairly surmised that they are highly satisfied with the individual who has taken the charge of the Colonial-office. Paragraph 6.—The condition of morals at home is by no means so satisfactory as could be wished,—the average destruction of life by crime being now from two to three cases per day ; while other crimes of brutal violence are on the increase. It will be necessary to con sider whether unlimited power of dealing with all such cases, without the intervention of coroners, magistrates, or juries, should not be confided to the individual at the head of the Home-office, who would put all this kind of thing down if he were left unrestricted authority. Paragraph 7.—The naval force of the country is, owing to the unparalleled exertions of the individual at the head of the Admiralty, in a most admirable condition ; and the proof of this is, that after two campaigns in the Baltic not the slightest injury, which a little paint will not efface, has occurred to a single vessel. But, not satisfied with this, the individual in question has prepared a magnificent fleet of gun-boats, which, though they may be two years or so too late to influence the war, will be everlasting evidence that Britannia rules the waves. Paragraph B.—ln consequence of the war, it has been impossible to give much attention during the recess to the subject of legal or equity reform ; but in the course of the session two bills will be laid before you, which have been prepared with the utmost elaboration by the individual at the head of the Court of Chancery—the one em powering the judges, at their discretion, to authorise witnesses in any cause or action to keep their hats on when there is such a draught in the court as to make their standing bare-headed dangerous, in the opinion of one or more duly qualified medical practitioners; and the other, for enabling the ushers of the various courts of law and equity to exclude therefrom any individuals who by conversation, leap-frog, or nut-cracking, may disturb the proceedings, without the previous formality of interrupting the case in hand by frantic shouts of `• Silence!" Paragraph 9.—A measure will be submitted to you upon the subject of Post-office Reform, and among its provisions will be one making it felony for any person, intrusted with a letter to post. squeezing it in order to discover the contents. It is also proposed to make it capital for any postmaster to hold up a letter against a light in order to read it. These and some other reforms, attributable to the prompt vigour of the individual at the head of the Post-office, will, it is hoped, conduce to the sanctity .of correspondence. Paragraph 10 —The exigencies of the war will naturally demand an addition to the taxation of the country, but it would he premature to enter upon a subject so surrounded with complication and diffi culty. Every confidence may be placed in the individual at the head of the Exchequer, that when the time comes he will discover some method of obtaining the required supply. These were the principal suggestions of the various members of the Cabinet, and it will be seen on Friday morning next what portion of them the individual at the head of the Government deemed it desirable to adopt. It may also be interesting to know that the Pre mier himself proposed the insertion of the following paragraph upon the subject of the peaeJ negotiations. Paragraph 11.—In the event of the negotiations for peace assuming a general character, it will be necessary that England should be represented, not by an effete scion of an obsolete faction, whose awkwardness is only equalled by his audacity 'some other words of disapprobation of some unknown personage were removed at the remonstrance of colleagues], but by an accomplished statesman who combines the orator with the diplomatist, and who is ready to call a new war into existence to redress the balause_of the old. _ALA THE PRESS.