The Press. — London, England, 1855-12-01 00:00:00

IA DECEMBER 1, 1855. DOING A " LEADER." a ' 145 people articles but it ng true inter at of Mr. iven to THE PRESS. Editor's room in the Printing•eiee of the Fulminator. Assistant Editor,Mu.ScitkrcifeweY, has just concluded his artiek. SCRATCHAWAY (throwing down his pen): The best article I've ever written, and new ground too. We've thoroughly well abused every potentate of Europe, we've knocked over President Pierce like a ninepin, and now I have smashed the King of the Cannibal Islands. I wouldn't have a word of that article altered for the world. LEnter EDITOR. ED.: Well, Scratchaway, what have you got ? Is this for the first? Ah ! I see, long exordium. " Liberty all over the world," very good. " Cannibal Islands—The tyrant King issued an edict that all his subjects shall wear breeches. A British fleet must be instantly sent to support the resistance of the people." Admirable, but too long. We'll cancel the latter part. I can make something of this article with a new tailpiece. SCRATCHAWAY : It's getting late. There'll scarcely be time. En.: Oh, my copy's all ready. A few lines only (writes)—" This new instance of despotic power affords another reason why that great stronghold of tyranny, the Russian empire, should be utterly destroyed by ,the determination of English hearts and the might of English arms." Then, do you see, I go on to establish the nationalities of Europe, and to insist on the dissolution of Parliament. SCRATCHAWAY (staggered): And you really mean to fall back on the nationalities after all? Don't you think that cry's rather stale? ED.: Not at all (whispers SCRATCHAWAY). Fact, I assure you. Means to go the whole hog. So our cue's as plain as a pikestaff. War to the knife with Russia, and hurrah for the nationalities ! [DICTATOR enters very hurriedly. DICTATOR : Well, what are you about ? Time ! time ! Where's your first article ? ED.: Here it is. Splendid ! It will make a sensation, I assure you. We've just finished it. Dieveroa : Ah, ah ! But the tone—the tone ! What does it say ? ED : War to the knife. It begins with the Cannibal Islands — lights a flame over Europe—and ends with the dissolution of Parlia ment. DICTATOR : All bosh! That dodge is up. Here—(whispers EDITOR). ED.: You astonish me ! Is it possible? DICTATOR : I've just seen the last telegraph from Paris. All this must be thrown over (tears EDITOR'S MS.) ED. (sulkily): What are we to do now? DICTATOR : Pooh ! We've been blowing hot enough lately. The people like a change. We'll now blow cold a little. En.: And my war articles ? DICTATOR : Will be remembered when Bob Peel is Prime Minister, or our " Cossacks of the Sultan," in their scarlet pantaloons at 548. per pair, march triumphantly into Warsaw. Mr. Scratchaway, take your pen, if you please. SCRATCHAWAY: Ready, sir. DICTATOR (reading) :" Is this tyranny to be tolerated ? " Very good. We may ask the question. But of course tyranny is never to be tolerated. ED. (warmly): Never, never. DICTATOR (severely): Except in a newspaper-office. Now, Mr. Scratchaway, continuo the interrogation to connect your chain of ideas with mine. "Is it at a moment when we are spending the best blood of our country—we mean the blood of our privates and pivotmen—to humble the pride of Russia, that we are to submit to the intolerable caprices of petty despots ?" SCRATCHAWAY (writing): " Petty despots." DICTATOR: "When we have settled our account with the Imperial robber—the overgorged vulture—the huge boa constrictor that has slavered Europe with his slime, before submitting it to the action of his tremendous jaws "—(To ED.) It's safe to keep up the abuse, I think ? Cu. ED.: Quite safe. Nothing can be better. (Aside.) They are my own words. I used them three times over in my very last article. SCRATCHAWAY : " Tremendous jaws ?" Do you like tremendous, sir ? DICTATOR : No, not exactly. ED.: " Voracious " is my word. DICTAIOR : No, voracious is commonplace. ED. (grinding his teeth): Oh ! DICTATOR : Put in cavernous. The people like a new word. It is suggestive. Cavernous requires a good deal of filling up. SCRATCHAWAY : " Cavernous jaws." DICTATOR : " And the day of that settlement may not be so far dis tant as the public believes—" SCRATCHAWAY : The last clause between brackets, sir ? DICTATOR: No, dashes. "Then will be the time for us to settle with all the mischievous spawn of despotism, whatever principles they profess "—Be attentive, Mr. Scratchaway, I am giving you some strong points now. SCRATCHAWAY : "Whatever principles they profess." All atten tion, sir. DICTATOR : " The mere mosquitoes who, bred in a festering atmo sphere of corruption, or sustained by its foul and fistid "—you should attend more to alliteration, Scratchaway, f and p are my favorite letters. SCRATCHAWAT: Thank you, sir, Ido work the p's pretty well. I had quite ago in at people and police the other day . " Foul ani fcetid " DICTATOR : " Influences, have flown in the face of England, and endeavoured to irritate us by their venomous stings. When " SCRATCHAWAT : " When ' DICTATOR : " We have made peace with Russia " ED. (springing up): Do you mean that? DICTATOR : Certainly—there's nothing like accustoming the to an idea. ED.: It Will drive them mad. They haven't read my war for months past for nothing. DICTATOR: Very likely—they may be mad enough now, suits our book to bring the people round to the side of sanity. SCRATOHAWAY: "With Russia"— DICTATOR : " There will be no obstacle to our establishing principles of liberty in all other parts of the world. Our Minisl Washington " SORATCHAWAY: " Washington " DICTATOR : " Must receive instructions to pull the nose President Pierce, and the command of a fleet must be gi \ Admiral Napier " ED.: To Admiral Napier !! ! DICTATOR : Yes, Admiral Napier. Haven't the people just elected him for Southwark, and given him a hat? Go on, Mr. Scratchaway— " To Admiral Napier to bear Don Pacifico in triumph on board his flag-ship, and insist on his being made Chancellor of the Exchequer in the Ministry of Greece." ED.: You recollect what we've said about that Don Pacifico ? DICTATOR : Not I—who do you suppose does? We must show we mean to stick by Pam through thick and thin. Now for a fresh para graph, Mr. Scratchaway :—" The conditions on which peace is to be concluded with Russia"—nothing like hammering a notion into people's heads, as Cobden once said—" present no difficulty. In the hour of victory we can afford to be moderate, and in the greatness of our power to be forgiving." SCRATCHAWAT : " Forgiving." • Capital, sir, capital. . - ED.: Capital—(aside)—of course. DICTATOR : Yes, I think that'll tickle the people. Then here's a paragraph which they've worked up at the Foreign-office from articles in THE PRESS All safe, of course. Put that in, and your Leader's all right. That will make some sensation to-morrow, I flatter myself. (Scene claw.) A window of the Reform Club, three ancient QUIDNUNC% each reading a Fulminator First QUIDNUNC (after a long pause, seeing that the Second QUIDNUNC is endeavouring to digest what he has read, but meets with some obstacle its the process): You've read the first article in to-day's Fulminator I Second QUIDNUNC: Yes, I have read it. Third QUIDNUNC (who has been watching his opportunity to speak): A splendid piece of composition ! First QUIDNUNC : Very splendid. But— Second QUIDNUNC: Just what I was about to observes But— Third QUIDNUNC : As you say. But— First QUIDNUNC : Isn't that Babble at the door? Third QUIDNUNC; Babble? No—yes—the very man. He's coming up to us. BAUM' jOinl the QUIDNUNCS. QUIDNUNCS (in chorus) : My dear Babble. BABBLE : Hush ! You have seen to day's Fulminutor First QUIDNUNC: What we wore just talking about. You see we want—eh, isn't that it Second and Third QuEnNurres : Just so. BABBLE : You want to know what it means ? QUIDNVINCS (eagerly): Yes. BABBLE : Well, I have found it out. (BABBLE draws them together and whispers.) That article, I've just heard from Scratchaway himself— that article MEANS SOMETHTNO QUIDNIINCS (together, each drawing a long breath): Ah, I thought so ! THE DUKE'S VISIT TO THE POST-OFFICE. His Grace the Postmaster-General has, we are happy to state, entered upon his new and important duties with the same energy which has characterised his highly superior method of keeping the Privy Seal. He has paid a visit to St. Martin's•le Grand, and has been pleased to inspect the whole establishment. His shrewd eye instantly detected great numbers of blunders, both in the principles and in the details of our Post-office system, and there is not a department, but has benefited by his prompt and practical suggestions. His Grace was attended over the Post-office by Mr. Rowland Hill, who upon that occasion only, and by particular desire of a person of distinction, abated somewhat of his usual hauteur. The Chief and the Secretary first visited the office of the Receiver General, when the Duke, immediately fixing upon the real point of interest, demanded what the official received. Being informed that he received money, the Duke replied, "And a very good thing to receive too." They then went up-stairs to the Accountant-Generals department, and here his Grace evinced his remarkable knowledge of the institutions of the country, by remarking, "An Accountant-General here ! Dear 'me, that's a curious coincidence. Why, do you know, there's an Account ant-General of the Court of Chancery. Very queer coincidence " The next department visited was the Two-penny Post•office, now called the London district. Here his Grace was highly amused by seeing the letters come tumbling through the slits into the boxes, and he picked up several of them, and remarked that there was a great differ ence in the handwritings of people. Mr. Hill said that he wished people wrote better and clearer hands, to which the Duke made the playful rejoinder, "Ah 1 Mr. Hill, you talk like a schoolmaster, as you His Grace the Postmaster-General has, we are happy to state, entered upon his new and important duties with the same energy which has characterised his highly superior method of keeping the Privy Seal. He has paid a visit to St. Martin's•le Grand, and has been pleased to inspect the whole establishment. His shrewd eye instantly detected great numbers of blunders, both in the principles and in the details of our Post-office system, and there is not a department, but has benefited by his prompt and practical suggestions. His Grace was attended over the Post-office by Mr. Rowland Hill, who upon that occasion only, and by particular desire of a person of distinction, abated somewhat of his usual hauteur. The Chief and the Secretary first visited the office of the Receiver General, when the Duke, immediately fixing upon the real point of interest, demanded what the official received. Being informed that he received money, the Duke replied, "And a very good thing to receive too." They then went up-stairs to the Accountant-Generals department, and here his Grace evinced his remarkable knowledge of the institutions of the country, by remarking, "An Accountant-General here ! Dear 'me, that's a curious coincidence. Why, do you know, there's an Account- ant-General of the Court of Chancery. Very queer coincidence " The next department visited was the Two-penny Post•office, now called the London district. Here his Grace was highly amused by seeing the letters come tumbling through the slits into the boxes, and he picked up several of them, and remarked that there was a great differ- ence in the handwritings of people. Mr. Hill said that he wished people wrote better and clearer hands, to which the Duke made the playful rejoinder, "Ah I Mr. Hill, you talk like a schoolmaster, as you .0,..--111.111111111.11111111111111111111.1111111111111111 1111111--.