The Press. — London, England, 1854-09-02 00:00:00

W THE PRESS. THE ART OF POLITICS. (AFTER THE EPISTOLA AD PISONES.) tit pictura poCsia.—Hor. If any painter not in Bedlam yet Should Russell's head on Canning's shoulders set, Or, more absurd, let pitying friends have seen Pitt's mantle smothering helpless Aberdeen, Or should one figure in two parts divide And make of Burke and Graham each several side (Like fam'd Franconi's clowns who charm the pit In two-hued dress for Osborne's wearing fit), Who that beneath the pepper-caatored dome • Beheld the sight could gravely turn him home? Believe me, friend, just such a picture seems A Coalition, which, like sick men's dreams, Shows us a crowd of foes together penn'd, Assailing each what each should most defend, Who purblind still the path of power essay, No head to find, nor feet to tread, the way.* Placemen and statesmen have the power, I grant, To shrink at times from facts and deal in cant ; The thing is read in " Hansard" every week, And we must give the carte blanche that we seek. But venture not to join the men as friends Hostile in nature, principles, and ends ; For who so mad as less than monstrous call The squad that numbers Gladstone, Grey, and Hall? When claptrap measures ushered from the Throne To the assembled Parliament are shown, Some specious promises your speech may grace, Some flaunting tinsel and some tawdry lace. Thus did Lord John in measured phrase and slow His new Reform Bill's many beauties show ; How every surgeon should a voter shine, Phlebotomy and politics combine; And make (such was the Coalition's will) A senator as quickly as a pill. Instead of bannered lamb and flying horse, Templars should raise the " buff and blue " of course ; That Hammersmith at Westminster should sit, And Chelsea vindicate suburban wit. Much-needed votes arrive from Irish bogs, The Gower-street College, or—the Isle of Dogs. When had but silly John his metier shown, He would have left his new reform alone ; Essayed some task to which his power approaches, A bill on steam-boat smoke or hackney-coaches. For what avails it that you have the skill To model constitutions at your will, When nightly failures are your doleful fate, And, nay, you take to wreck not mend the State ? Why, when the country sound finance would gain, Should rank abortions spring from Gladstone's brain? Above all else, in statesmen would we find The truth and honour of a manly mind. The greater portion of the talking crew Some iglus fatuus blindly will pursue. Russell, when forced to questions to reply, In seeking briefness finds obscurity. Osborne, for humour, beats his barren brains, And gets but laughed at for his painful pains. Macaulay, panting to sublime to rise, In mud of anti-climax grovelling lies. Who knows what Gladstone says or what denies, As half-spoke truths he dimly qualifies? When on one question, heedless of the right, Men will vote white is black and black is white, And all consistency and sense eschew, What monstrous combinations rise to view ! Queer fish in woods (and Forests) swim content, And bores, like Charley, to the sea are sent ; But, wanting principle, be sure they change One party's faults in t'other's vice to range. Save Russell, none for every place is meet, " To build St. Paul's or to command the fleet ; " Shifted like Strutt and Granville day by day, But not, like Strutt, adroitly choused of pay. Such shifts to me appear, I must confess, Like clothing Harlequin in Hamlet's dress ; Pam in that breadth of brim to Bright endeared, Or Bright himself in Muntz's flowing beard. 32. 41. Be sure, my friend, before you take in hand The helm of State that you can power command ; That you've got shoulders such a weight to bear, Nor whine " I'm old," like Premiers in despair. And then, though toss'd 'twixt darkened heaven and War's rocks ahead, Whig shoals upon her lee, Of Romish reefs and rebel storms the sport, You'll bring, like Pitt, the vessel into port. • ut nec pea nec caput uni Reddatur forma'. + Dslpbinnm sylris appinget, fluctibus 'pram. SEPTEMBER 2, 1854. X. JMlNNommosorimommimminNiNiMMMlNllllMMlNE.Mini MORE PLACES! " The comprehensiveness of its relations saves the Government from falling. * • • It is like an insect of the tribe called tipula, which can find a firm footing on the dancing blades of grass, from the width with which its long legs straddle. • • • Instead of blaming the Ministry for zotilition, we would have it coalesce yet more—take in broader relations—have more legs to stand upon, until it became a very oentipede of Ministries. It may be asked, indeed, how it can take in more men when the °dices are already tilled? Hut the Ministry might answer, in pointing to its own acts, by creating new officer of the highest order."—Spectotor, August 26, 1654, Want more places so the case is ! Governments on certain bases Can't get on without more places. Time was when a public crisis Called for certain " sacrifices," And a set demure and oily, So affectedly and coyly, To each vacant place succeeded, That the crowd, who little heeded, Thought they might be self-denying, Such effect has simple lying. Now the lie has served the liars, And the " sell" has had free buyers,— Now the booty is divided, — False pretences are derided, And the swindlers in possession Make ingenuous confession Place has been the only tether Which has held them all together ; Place alone prevents them brawling, And their one resource, when falling, As they frankly state their case, is To create a few new places. Give them places ! let them struggle, Let the crowd see out the juggle. Places ten or places twenty— Let them places have in plenty — Place for all the " teatless piglings," Peelites, Radicals, and Whiglings— Place for cousins Caledonian — For explorers Babylonian — For churchwardens Maryleboninn— . Place for Brigadiers—broad-brimmers, Prigs, Tractarians, and trimmers — Place for hacks and place for helpers— Place for dummies and for yelpers— Pl'tce for all the "legs" and sharkers, Bill-discounters, billiardmarkers, Jesuits, propagandists, Papists, Robbers, jobbers, and redtapists, Dolts and medieval dreamers, Forgers, simpletons, and schemers — All, in fact, who have commission To assist the Coalition — Till they find (with help from Greville) Some new office for the Devil. SIR BENJAMIN'S FIRST REPORT. TO VISCOUNT PALMERSTON. or a MY DEAR LORD, In compliance with your facetiously-phrased but philosophically based suggestion that cleanliness, like charity, should begin at home, I have, in the very first instance, directed my attention to the condi tion of Downing-street, and the localities connected therewith. I have the honour of submitting to your Lordship the following Report, prepared after an elaborate investigation by myself and as sistants : Our examination commenced with the Treasury. I have to report that this is in a state most prejudicial to the welfare of the public. No constitution can long hold out against the deleterious agencies con stantly at work in this quarter. I instantly detected the presence of what, in common with your Lordship, I will call antiquated imbecility, which incessantly gave off an atmosphere of a most injurious character, prostrating all energy and enfeebling all vigour. This, I fear, it will be found very difficult to remove, from the tenacity with which it adheres to any place unfortunately tainted by it. A prolonged com bustion of gunpowder, however, will probably be found available in procuring its expulsion. I am also induced to believe that there is some communication between this locality and a drain running from Nicholas-lane to Gordon-square, which is in very bad odour, but I have not as yet been able to trace the precise channel. The liberal application of the deodorising fluid called Public Indignation may arrest this most mischievous nuisance. Let me add that our inspec tion was vehemently opposed by the oldest inhabitant of the place, a Scotchman, who resisted all suggestions for improvement, declaring that any nuisance or degradation was better than a disturbance, but he seemed to be much disliked by all around him. We next proceeded to the Colonial-office, and I regret to say that a still worse state of things was there manifest. Delicacy prevents my entering at any length into the offensive details which presented themselves. Suffice it to say that they amounted to evidence of actual corruption. It is due to the present tenant, an invalid, to say that he frankly attributed the evils, which he could not deny, to the neglect of his predecessor. There is little hope, however, that the former will have the will or the energy necessary to effect reforms, and I may add that the indignation of those who are affected by the nuisances • 1 1