The Press. — London, England, 1854-05-06 00:00:00

THE PRESBir 420 From SLASHUM EBN HASHUM, i residing n • London, to his friend KABOB EFFENDI, residing near T hatladi-Kapoussi, on the Sea of Marmora, Constantinople. I TOLD you in my last letter, Kabob, friend of my soul, that my mission was to hold such private discourse as I might with the great men of this land, for the information of my patron, Ramshak Bey. To this , end I have accepted many invitations to feasts and dances where I knew such men would be present ; for, though it is not given unto us to know what Providence may do for us, it is always as well to be in Providence's way. And since I wrote to you, Kabob, I have been abundantly lucky, and hope to be still more so, inshalloh. For while your friend was seated on a sofa at the house of a great lady (she has a husband, but no one speaks of him or seems to care about him), and was watching the young dancers performing mad gyrations, to which our dervishes' revolutions are sedateness, a man came and sat down beside me, and entered into pleasant talk. You will see that I was not unmindful of my business, 0 Kabob. The MAN : A pretty sight, this, sir, and I suppose rather a strange one to you? The Turkish ladies are not accustomed to be spun round, like teetotums, by any gentleman who will take that trouble. MYSELF (wittily): Truly, woman is giddy enough by nature, and needs no aid to have her head turned. Moreover, one minute of such an operation would make a Turk sick. The MAN : And then he would really be the "sick man" our friend at St. Petersburg describes him, ha, ha! MYSELF: I see that you, sir, take an interest in the politics of the day. The MAN (smiling): Well—yes—l have had occasion in my time to take a little, and perhaps I may have to take a little more before I have quite done with them. Lady Bowlingbury, will you introduce me to your Oriental friend ? And the lady of the house, who was passing, turned, utterly un abashed, and said, "To be sure. Slashing Ebenezer, or something—l never can remember foreign names—a Turkish nobleman—of great distinction—Viscount Palmerston." And she whirled away, with a soldier's arm around her great waist. By Allah, if one of my wives— but you know what I would say. So here I was in the same divan with the great Palmerston ; the queller of Greeks, the defier of tyrants, and the colleague of the friend of Russia. It behoved me to be careful, but I determined to sift him like wheat. MILORD : How do you like the English women ? MYSELF: Many of them are beautiful, 0 Palmerston (for I wished to be polite and call him by his name) ; but it seems to me that you have a great fault. MILORD (good-naturedly ): I dare say we have. What is it? MYSELF : You let the old women have too much power among you. Allah be praised for inventing old women, 0 Palmerston, for who can scour the saucepans and wash the floors so well; but why do you permit them to come among your festivities, and remind you, by their wrinkles, that time passes ? MILORD: We do allow an old woman too much her own way in this country. You aro quite right. Antiquated imbecility is very objec tionable. But what can we do? MYSELF : We find no difficulty. When an old woman can be en dured no longer there is the sack. MILORD: Ah! The sack. Yes. Well, possibly we may try that experiment one of these days. Have you had letters from Turkey lately ? MYSELF : This day, which is therefore doubly fortunate, for I have had news from home, and I have met you, my lord. MILORD (after a bow) : And what do your friends in Turkey say of us, and of our soldiers ? MYSELF : My lord, a friend is welcome all day long, but most welcome when he comes early in the morning. (A delicate hint, 0 Kabob.) MILORD : That depends upon what time you went to bed. But I understand you. They think we have dawdled, eh?—been much too long coming. That is the national feeling, is it ? MYSELF (artfully): We know who are with us, my lord, and who are not. MILORD: Oh, we are all with you, only people take different ways of showing it. MYSELF: There is your Lord Aberdeen, for one. MILORD: 0, don't make a mistake. Lord Aberdeen is a good man — a very good man—and, I assure you, wishes exceedingly well to Turkey. Don't misunderstand him. Whether he may think that courses which some other men approve are as good for Turkey as other courses is a question of minor importance, but Lord Aberdeen I assure you, and if you like to say so on my at liberty to do so—a very good man. Make ids. T shall see you again. speak to some friend who came up. I fear that through the unfathomable reserve of this Mi his manner served to make me think he had told iot find that I learned much from him. But Allah that I should have another chance, for An, smiling much, a good-natured looking man, afterwards learned, is committed the welfare of Queen's subjects in the East. As soon as he tquired who I was, and began to talk to me. Ido SATI7RDAY, not rightly know his name, having some confusion in my mind whether they said his same was Board or Wood. But I know somebody said Board, which is, I see in the dictionary, a thing made of wood. BOARD : How d'ye do ? Very glad to see foreigners here. So you come from Turkey. Turkey is a very fine country. Let's see, it's di vided into provinces, isn't it ? Which is your province ? Anatolia, or which ? MYSELF : Anatolia, 0 Board, is, according to your maps, in Asia. BOARD : All ! so it is ; but, of course, when I said Anatolia I meant Archipelago, or something else—no matter. Well, how are the Russians getting on? They may cross the Danube—let 'em—but they'll come to the mountains soon, and when they get to the Cau casus ridge we'll give it them for you. MYSELF : If you wait till then, 0 Board, I fear your armies will help us but little ; but perhaps the Circassians may manage something in that quarter. BOARD : Eh ! 0, ah ! Caucasus is in Circassia to be sure—let's see, what do you call the mountains there all round Constantinople. MYSELF: You would speak of the Balkan, 0 Board. BOARD ,Of course, the Balkan. Yes. It is a fine thing for Con stantinople—or Stamboul I believe you call it —no, Stamboul is the suburb where the Christians live—to have that natural wall around it —a glorious provision of Providence which we all reverence alike. MYSELF: Exactly so, Board ; but the Balkan is more than one hundred and fifty of your miles from the capital. BOARD : Just so, just so—but when one says around one means some little way off. By the way, that is a masterly thought of our commander, is it not, landing our troops on the coast of the Adriatic Sea, just at the top of Albania? MYSELF : I did not know that they had done so, Board. I thought they were to be at Scutari. BOARD : Ha ! ha! Nay, now I must correct you, my dear friend. They are to be at Scutaii, but Scutari is on the Adriatic. I will show it you on the map. (And he pulled out a little map, and certainly pointed out the name.) MYSELF : You have found out the wrong Scutari, 0 Board : there is another to which I would direct your attention, there (and I showed it him), just opposite Constantinople. BOARD : 0 ! is that the one ? Do you know I thought it was the other, and I have been thinking so all through the war. MYSELF : A trifle, Board—not above five hundred miles between them—that small distance is nothing to a great mind. BOARD ; Ha! ha! capital. There's Lord Aberdeen—l must go and tell him the joke, and then I must be off, for I have the Bombay sur vey to adjust and rectify before Igo to bed—responsible work. Good bye. I must tell you in another letter, Kabob, what passed between your friend and Lord Aberdeen. SLASHAM EBN HASHAM. A SUGGESTION TO THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER. " John de Huntingdon and others were fined 100 marks each for a stultiloquium."— Madox's History of the Exchequer. An age how different from these times of late, When talking nonsense thus enriched the State! That blest alembic of those days of old, That power of turning folly into gold, Could GLADSTONE but revive it once again, He need no more solicit loans in vain. In all his arguments what wealth would gleam ! His speeches roll one grand Pactolus' stream ! Arabian riches all his schemes possess ! And every Budget prove its own success! is avery good man, authority you are quite that clear to your friend TII " ie ft me to 81 II•• • • thetrate tin tpo4 4 ough his `,,,!,,,„ !; • P . _ EJ.I do n 4 " •••1 leased . • • .• • .c_a the roc)] 00. , e, I afte •; • English e I S P3 a q 78 tu Me he ing DIRECTIONS TO OFFICIAL SERVANTS. (AFTER SWIFT.) THE PRIME MINISTER. As you are the principal individual in the establishment, and as the head cannot possibly be the hands, of course you may, if you please, do nothing. Again, as you are always intent on considering the future, you have no business with the present ; and therefore you are clearly required to know nothing. For example, if news arrives by electric telegraph half an hour before the House sits that the army is cut off or the fleet destroyed, an impertinent Member of the Opposition will probably ask you whether it is true—and how can you tell him? Such information may be well enough for newspaper reporters, who are paid for knowing it and telling it ; but you can eatfly demand why he did not give you notice a month before that he was about to put the ques tion ? It is not to be expected. that a man of your penetration cau be eternally attending to electric telegraphs. You know what ought to have been done, and the orders that were issued, and it is quite enough if you quote the orders and deny the reporter's letter. You are, of course, a person of constitutional opinions; and as Lord North (see Lord Brougham's "Statesmen ") was accustomed to say that "in the English Constitution there could be no such thing as a Prime Minister, and would not allow his family to use the word," you cannot do better than prove that the official is really a nonentity. But, on the other l