The Press. — London, England, 1854-04-08 00:00:00

THE PRESS. APRIL 8, 1854. JOHN BRUM : They landed at Margate in the night, and hid themselves in the bathing-machines until morning, and then they stormed the town, ate all the candles, and set off for London by the train. Mr. BRIGHT : It is a dreadfully slow one, and would give time to the Londoners to escape. JOHN BRADDS : No, for they pricked the engineer with pikes, and made him drive furiously. OBADIAH : Like unto Jehu, the son of Nimshi, who — Mr. BRIGHT : Hold your noise ! Well ? Jos* BRADDB : London is theirs—the Queen has fled to Norway, Prince Albert fought splendidly, but was taken prisoner, and is sent off to St. Petersburg in silver fetters. Colonel Sibthorp killed fifteen with his own hand, but, stopping to make a speech on the subject, was knocked over by a cannonball. The editor of the Advertiser nearly saved the capital by rushing into the enemy's ranks and reading his articles to them, but he was sabred by an emissary of the Times ; and— Mr. BRIGHT (impatiently): I want to know what the Russians are going to do. Confound the fighting men ! JOHN BRADDS : They are in full march for these parts, having heard that all the factory chimneys are made of gold. They will be down by the 2.35 train. 325 better provide accommodation for the Russians, have plenty of food ready for them, and litter down the church with straw for their horses. Mr. COBDEN : And assemble the women, and let them go out and meet the soldiers, singing a hymn and carrying refreshments. MAYOR : Can I believe my ears ? Mr. BRIGHT: Look here, Mr. Mayor. I can't say I expected this invasion, but I see nothing very formidable in it unless we make it so. Lot these men alone, and give them all they want, and I believe, making allowance for their neglected education, you will find them decent people. If you fight you will put the town to a great expense, and as they will revenge themselves we shall all be losers. But, if we receive them as friends, they will buy our goods and promote com merce, and here is my hasty calculation. Suppose 20,000 Russians are coming, and each man spends only a shilling a day among us, there is a thousand pounds, and now if you multiply this— Mr. COBDEN : Adding, Blight, the interest on the money-- Mr. BRIGHT: Just so. In that ease you will have a large sum of money circulating here, and in the meantime humanity will be de lighted to see civilisation gradually producing its effeet upon these Cossacks, and amalgamating them with ourselves. MAYOR (in a terrific rage) : Treason, treason ! Down with the Queen's enemies ! And as you two are about two of the worst, down with you! (Draws a Colt's revolver, but the honourable members for Yorkshire and Manchester jump out of window and escape, and the Mayor rushes of to head the defenders of the totem.) NAVAL INTELLIGENCE. When the Russian fleet, " per undas," Burnt Sinope, where was " DUN DAs " ? When the foe advancing means To capture Varna. where is "DEANS "? Now the Russ comes on to strike us, Can it be, he's at Beicos ? Steamers stayed for want of coal When the distant cannons roll, Like a fleet in quarantine As thus he writes to ABERDEEN : " Here I am, and here I stay, Anchored in Beicos Bay ; Though at length we're now at war, Still I may not vex the Czar. True they're coming thick and fast, True the boiling Danube's past, True they threaten OMAR'S flank Mustered on the southern bank, And will give him tit for tat In his camp at Kalafat. True the Scythian standard soars High above Dobrutschka's shores; Legions join him, armed hosts, Ferried from Circassia's coasts ; Frigates, transports, steamers full, Laden in Sebastopol. Varna trembles at his summons, While at home, in Lords and Commons, Men cry out, alas ! alas ! 'Where is DEANS, and where DIINDAS " After a few words from the Lonn CeArcruze, the house divided, and the bill was carried by a majority of 2. HOUSE OF COMMONS.—FRIDAY. In answer to a question from Lord Dudley Stuart. Lord JOHN RUSSELL said that Austria was certainly concentrating troops in Servia, but, as negotiations were now going on, he could not with any certainty state the course he intended to pursue. OXFORD UNIVERSITY REFORM. On the motion for the second reading of the Oxford University Bill, Sir W. HEATIICOTE admitted that the intention of the bill was friendly, and that its general principle was sound. He felt bound to vote for the second reading, reserving his objections to the committal. Mr. BYNG admitted that some change was neces sary. After many promises, one measure only for improvement had been passed by Convocation, and that had been recently virtually repealed. He ob jected to the usual mode of eCecting the heads of houses from non-resident members, who knew little of university requirements. Under the new system all parties would be fairly represented. He referred to the income which college fellows enjoyed while doing nothing for it. lie objected to the abolition of local foundations, from which much good arisen. Professing a sincere respc:t for the ri of the Church of England, he yet trusted that the great body of Dissenters might hereafter be ad mitted to university advantages. Sir J. PAKINOTON was likewise willing to his objections to the committal of the bill. He f it difficult to discover the principle of the I t ) t i t l . account of its complex character. He regre find in it a distrust of the existing university autho rities, and a disregard of the system of self-gov ment. Moro than all, ho objected to the A loud voice is heard without. To arms, boys—to arms ! All you clerks be off to the Town-hall, where you'll find guns and swords; and now where's the master? Mr. BRIGHT: Here, Mr. Mayor. ( Loudly.) The first who stirs I discharge. A shout of defiance, and a rushing out. Enter the MAYOR, indignantly. MAYOR : What ! stop them from defending their wives and families, their household gods! Mr. BRIGHT : Don't talk like a heathen, will you ? Obadiah, where are you going ? OBADIAH : Truly I shall solicit a weapon termed a musket, and from a window known to myself I shall send a small sphere of lead into the stomach of the first Russian who gets out of the train. Mr. BRIGHT : Stop, I tell you! OBADIAH : Verily I will not stop. Hooray ! Selah ! (Rushes off.) JOHN BRADDS : It occurs to me that I have a second cousin in Glasgow, who has a bad cold. It would show family affection did I visit him in his sickness. My wife can follow—when she is well enough. [Exit. MAYOR : Now, gentlemen, come, come ! I have sent off a strong body of navigators to pull up the rails, and we shall have all the viaducts blown up in half an hour. The militia have turned out, but I chiefly rely on barricading and firing from windows. Come and get guns. Mr. COBDEN : You see lam only a visitor in the town. Would it not be taking a liberty for me to defend it ? Mr. BRIGHT (who is writing) : And six is fifty-four, and seven is sixty-one, and eight is sixty-nine—and take forty-three—yes, I'm right. Mr. Mayor, we won't defend the place. MAYOR : Won't defend it ! Are you mad ? Why, the very children are taking up arms. Mr. BRIGHT : They had better go to school. But as we are not children, but men, it behoves us to be rational. So for blowing up your viaducts and spoiling your railways I can only say that as a director I will bring an action against any man who does it. You had TO CORRESPONDENTS. it is impossible to acknowledge the mass of letters we receive. Their insertion is often delayed, owing to a press of matter ; and when omitted, it is frequently from reasons quite inde pendent of the merits of the communication. We cannot undertake to return communications of which we do not avail ourselves. Communications should always be legibly written, and on one side of the paper only. If long it increases the difficulty of finding space for them. Advertisements sent from the country must be accompanied by a remittance or a reference for payment in town. under which the army was managed, and urged either the appointment of a board, like that of the Board of Admiralty, or that the entire department should be placed under the Secretary-at-War. The Duke of NEWCASTLE said that the abuses quoted were of old date, and bad been reformed under the present system. The objections to :he system were more theoretical than practical. Com missions had sat, but had given divided opinions. From his own experience there had been no want of harmony in the several departments, and all the statements of contradictory orders were totally un founded. Lord HARDINGE added his own experience in sup port of the present system, and bore testimony to the high efficiency and readiness of the troops now sent to the East. Lord ELLENBOROUGH was strongly against all boards. From his experience of the Board of Admi• ralty, it was the most inefficient in the public service. The present war would be long and dangerous, and could only be conducted by undivided responsibility and almost undivided power. Lord PANDIURE thought that the time bad come when improvements on the present system should be gradually effected. Earl GREY replied', with a warm eulogium on the House of Commons, where, he said, all reforms were destined to originate. The motion was then agreed to. The LORD CHANCELLOR moved the third reading of the Testamentary Jurisdictions Bill. The Archbishop of CANTERBURY complained of the loss to which the proctors would be subject through the bill. Lord WYNFORD opposed the bill, saying that if the public were consulted its voice would be against it. He moved that it be read a third time that day six months. ytt 20) rvgg• LONDON, SATURDAY, APRIL 8, 1854. POSTSCRIPT. HOUSE OF LORDS.—FamAY. FAST DAY. In reply to Lord Shaftesbury, The Earl of ABERDEEN announced that, under the advice of the Archbishop of Canterbury, Wednes day, the 26th inst., would be appointed for the national fast and humiliation on account of the war. A WAR MINISTER. Earl GREY, in moving for copies of correspondence respecting the business of the Secretary-at-War, complained of the sanitary arrangements of the colo nial army, and the general extravagance of the office. He quoted a mass of evidence to show the wretched condition in which the soldiers were lodged ; in some instances two-thirds perishing within the year. H e com plained of the jarring interests and divided authority di ffs e m , 110 • I