The Press. — London, England, 1853-07-09 00:00:00

JULY 9, 1853. THE PRESS. About five o'clock the indefatigable Captain BERNAL OsaoaNE had some reason to believe that he had traced to its source the distressing intelligence so rife. A detective in plain clothes had caught a little old man, with grey hair and a very sinister expression of countenance, altogether very much like an ill-favoured denizen of Duke's-place, listening at one of the doors in Argyll-house, and occasionally looking through the keyhole. It was ascertained that. he hail entered the house through the area, and had wheedled his way up stairs by pre tending he was engaged on some odd jobs, and tweasionally showing some flash jewellery to the housemaids. Stunt` papers were found in his possession which clearly proved that he was eennect e d with th e prevalent rumour. He gave his name as ABRAHAM HAYWARD, but the police, who were well acquainted with him. said the latter was an assumed name, and that he was better known by that of FAME. ABRAHAM HAYWARD, if/DiS FAWN, Was then brought nit to Marl borough-street Office. The prisoner seemed mut+ atteeted by his situation : sometimes greatly depressed, amal offiging t 4) lick anybody's shoes who would help him; then blustering a little, and vowing that he was well known to several persons of quality ; anon, he grew humorous and tried to joke with the policemen, telling them stories about Lord 'ruuni.ow anti other monstrous fudges ; but when they would not stand this, and gave him a gentle rap with their bludgeons, he began to whimper, and ()tiered to say anything or betray anybody provided he was not harmed. lie coutCsmed his guilt, but vowed that he had only repeated what he had heard—that gossip had always been his stumbling-block—that he could bear no malice to the existing Government, inasmuch as. it' it remained in power, he was promised a place about Court, for which his tine person and finished manners eminently qualified him. Mr. HENRY, the magistrate, arrived at thin moment, but the great length of our parliamentary proceedings renders inevitable the postponement of this police report. A QUESTION' FOR SERGEANT ADAMS. If banishment seem not a sentence too big For a woman who calls a policeman a pig, Pray say should its period less be or more For a man who pronounces Lord Du ni.EY a bore THE NIGHTCAP OF THE COMMONS. "KEATING'S LEGENDs.” SINCE the days of Bonus SMITH and CONVERSATION SHARP we do not believe that any maiden speaker ever committed no ponderous a failure as poor Mr. KEATINO on last Wednesday morning. Emulous of the fame of parliamentary " dinner-bells," he has aehieved the somniferous celebrity of the Nightcap of the Commons! His speech should have been printed with all its accompaniments of " vehement yawati" and " loud and long-continued owing." Admintble orator, who in a single effort conquered the vigilant faculties of his adversaries and his friends! He has done more than his countrymen GRATTAN, I'LUNKET, SHERIDAN, or CANNino ever accomplished—he has put Parliament to sleep ! If he could be patented for the use of fidgetty old ladies, he might prove as valuable an invention us Sir llt3truaY DAVY'S safety-lamp. By this time speculators in new discoveries RIO cudgelling their wits to learn how they can turn to effect the marvellous potency of Mr. KEATING'S mesmerising mediocrity. "The patent sleep. causing KEATINO .EI.IXIR" will ere long become a standing newspaper advertisement, and the Honourable Gentleman will have the proud satisfaction of associating his name with " Sleep 14 the Million." Nor let him summon(' that we are I►euri ng t too h ar d upon him. We say it in till seriousness that amongst all the orators of modern times to none more than to himself is applicable the tribute of inicnisKs to lhotonTunsEs, "Si ilium 11111liMMeli " ! Testing him, not by an oratorical but by a utilitarian standard, his patriotism requires acknowledgment. " Sleepless himself Go give the ' Commons ' sleep," he has, like one of the heroes of " The Duneiad," gallantly sacrificed nights of his own repose in order to secure one for his brother Mem bers. By birth and race belonging to the " Tipperary Boys," who have earned an unfortunate notoriety by the frequency with which they send people to the sleep that is eternal, Mr. KEATING has outdone the efibrts of Captain Rock and his Ribbonm en. as the eabless Members confessed last Wednesday, when they found themselves, amid extin guished gas-lamps, converted into a vast party of " Peep o' Day Boys !" Redmond O'Hanlon himself might envy the tunic of the Member for Reading. We are hound in justice to add, that the invention of the Honour able Gentleman was equal to his industry. In the early literature of Ireland, " Keating's Legends" have won deserved fame from their mythical marvels. The " Tales of the Admiralty," as related by the Member for Reading, will give increased celebrity to the name of " the fabulous KEATING." Pity, however, that he did not impart a little of old GEOFFUEY'A brilliancy into his garbled. distorted, mis stated narrative. Such a quantity of fictitious matter was never before uttered in so prosaic a style. A dialogue between two Irish Members is traditional at Bellamy's. " Will you dine with me to-day, Mac- Bluster?" said Captain O'ltumpus; " I'll give you potatoes and beef." To which Mr. Maellluster replied, " 'Tim my own dinner exactly— barna' the beef!" As we listened to the lumbering length of the worst maiden speech on record, last Wednesday, we thought t o ouni th eb , before falling asleep in the middle of it—" "Ds one of KLATIMiti legends —barring the brilliancy!" __ r 1 ALARMING RUMOUR OF THE RESIGNATION OF LORD ABERDEEN. DISTRESSING CONSEQUENCES—EXAMINATION AT THE POLICE OFFICr. ON Monday last the town was in a state of great agitation from a very prevalent rumour that the Prime Minister had resigned. It appears that, early in the morning, Sir JAMEB GRAHAM, who has been suffering, of late, from a series of shinning dreams of the arrival of the Russian fleet from the Baltic in Yarmouth Roads. pulled his bell in a panic, and, when the valet entered the room with his hot water. distractedly inquired whether " it was all over ?'"rhe servant, who had just heard of the resignation, replied that it was, he believed, too true ; and that it was all over. The Right Honourable Gentleman immediately swooned, and the servant, alarmed, and not knowing what was best to do at this early hour, ran over to Captain BERNAL OSBORNE, the Secre tary of the Admiralty, to ask his advice, knowing he was a gentleman very fond of giving it. Captain 131Liism. OSBoRNE immediately accom panied the servant of Sir JAMES to his master's room, though in it chamber robe and slippers. The Honourable Secretary showed his usual energy and straightforward good sense : he immediately took off one of his slippers and bastinadoed the First Lord, then ordered him to be well rubbed with some of the driest blue books, and, setting fire to the Report of the Dockyard Committee, held it to the Right Honourable Gentleman's nose. These united efforts and remedies pro duced the desired effect : Sir JAMES, though still considerably shinned, came to himself, and, an explanation having taken place, he requested Captain BERNAL. OSBORNE to ascertain, without loss of time, what foun dation there was for the alarming report. The gallant Secretary acted with his accustomed promptitude, sangfroid, and saroir rirre, shaved himself immediately with Sir .I,imas's own razors, and proceeded, as soon as he possibly could, onhis mission. His first visit was to Lord .Tons Rumsm.t, who was already trans acting the business of his office, which consists of reading the news papers. The intelligence had not yet reached the noble Lord, but did not appear to surprise him. He gave an elfin grin, and said he " always thought it would come to this, but did not think it would corns so soon. The Secretary of the Admiralty then called in Carlton-gardens. Lord PALMERSTON had not yet risen, but Captain OSBORNE ran up to the door of his bedchamber, which was, however, fortunately, &stetted. Knocking very loudly, the Secretary inquired whether his Lordship thought the intelligence was authentic. A laugh was heard like that of Zamiel in Der Freisehutz. His Lordship called out that these things would happen to elderly men, and that now the young ones ♦vould have a chance. In the meantime, as the day advanced, the rumour of the resigna• tion became more general and more positive. When it reached Sir WILLIAM MOLESWORTH, the glass fell from his eye : he then lapsed into a fit of abstraction, from which he recovered to draw up six reasons of inexorable logic to prove the inevitable necessity of the re signation, and of the reconstruction of the Government on a more con genial and Conservative basis. After this, having now become a man of business as well as a philosopher, he gave directions for counter ordering a dinner-party to which he had invited Lord ABERDEEN to meet Cardinal WISEMAN. Mr. HENRY FITZROY and Mr. FREDERICK PEEL, having rushed out of their offices at the same time, and meeting each other with the same expression of dismay, agreed, after conference, to proceed at once to Mr. GLADSTONE and consult him. They found that distin guished man in a state of much excitement, but hill of resource. He said there were three courses open to them, and he thought them all equally good. They might, in the first place, collect all the members of the Administration they could lay their hands on, and proceed in procession to St. Margaret's Church, where prayers might be offered up for the return of Lord ABERDEEN to Downing-street; or they might, if the church were not open, confess themselves to each other at the Treasury; or, in the third place, they might consult the Duke of NEWCASTLE. These three propositions, however, as is often the case, were not so popular us their proposer anticipated. Mr. PEEL looked very sulky; and Mr. Frrznov, who lost his temper, said that the Duke of NEWCASTLE was as great a humbug as his colleagues. Finally, it was arranged by the CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER that the two nitud.tmoaxs should be sent to St. Margaret's Church, and that he should confess himself to Lord ALFRED HERVEY. At half-past two o'clock a message, by electro-telegraph, arrived at Buckingham Palace from Lord Ei.cno, who w•as in Scotland, offering Lis services to fo►m an Administration Mr. WILSON, the Secretary of the Treasury, was seen for a con siderable time running very wildly about Whitehall without his hat. Several of the clerks in the offices, having reg►u•d to his position, offered him their beavers, but the very sight of a hat seemed to pro duce upon him an almost hydrophobias effect. Finally, shrieking " catskins" in a very shrill voice, he rushed through the Horse Guards, and attempted to throw himself into the lake. He was, however, arrested by a sentry and locked up in the black hole, where he remains to this hour. The Duke of ARGYLL called a Cabinet Council later in the after noon, but nobody came to it. Lord CLARENDON wax, at first, much overwhelmed, and sent to M. Musstaus for some Salonicha tobacco. The messenger who brought it back had orders to remain, and inquire whether his Lordship approved of it. After a due trial, Lord CLARENDON said it was excel lent, and that he had no doubt its flavour would be equally good, whether Salonicha belonged to the Porte or to the Itus*iam.