The Press. — London, England, 1853-08-27 00:00:00

396 APPALLING CHARGE AND REVOLTING LEVITY. Tax public will have observed that Lord MALMESBURY has been mysteriously accused by the Times of having during his tenure of office secretly conspired with Russia and Austria for the total over throw of the French Empire at the very moment of its recognition by England, and that his Lordship is challenged to prove the negative to this appalling charge! - - - - It appears that the very natural silence on the part of the ex. Minister to this request has excited the anger of Lord ABERDEEN'S Scotch butler, who happens to be intimate with the editor, and is in the habit of mixing his toddy for him. This gentleman accordingly repaired to Lord MALMESBURY'S residence, and inquired of his French valet why his master did not exculpate himself? M. LAFLEUR is stated to have replied that, considering the Noble Earl was shooting boatloads of wild ducks on his Highland lake, it was not likely he should notice a " canard " in the Times; and, upon old Sawney asking " What kind of duck is that? " to have answered, "It is a sort that sits upon mares nests, and is constantly dressed up and swallowed by Lord ABERDEEN and the Times." The cook, who was standing by, explained to the staring Scotch man that " canard" and " hoax " wore synonymous terms. A LATE CORRESPONDENCE MADE EASY. (FOR CHILDREN AND QUAKERS.) No. I. cannot but say I consider your reading My note headed " private" a shabby proceeding. Name the party who gave it ! for, SHELLEY, I'll tweak Either your nose, or hi., in the course of the week ! I am, your obedient servant, C. H. FREWEN. No. H. Sta,—You make me quite ill with your talking of tweaking ! I don't always know what I'm saying, when speaking. Besides, recollect that you cannot contrive it To render a " printed" circular " private." I received it from no one whom you may suppose, And my lawyers have long had the care of my nose. I am, sir, your obedient servant, J. V. SMILLET. No. 111. Sta,—Yours of August the tenth has made me mare (Inappropriate date!) what a " shy cock " you are. Let me tell you that letters marked " private " should never Be published on any occasion whatever; And, though you will not take a hint as it's meant, Your proceeding, I say, has been that of a "Gent." I am, &c., C. H. FazwEN. THE KIDDERMINSTER WEAVER. A leader in the Times of Tuesday commences by informing us that " the Kidderminster weavers have returned to their work." The information was superfluous as respects one of them whose release from restraint was at once evident by his hungry descent on the poor human spoil which has drifted helplessly to the shores of Australia. We could wish him better pabulum, for his rigorous sarcasms at the expense of suffering are emphatically of a low order. There is a wide interval between the production of his three leaders and the genial process which could " draw three souls out of one weaver," which has so perplexed the commentators on Twelfth Night. EPIGRAM BY THE SHADE OF JAMES SMITH. " Me pasoant olive," said epicure JACK, As he flavoured his mouth with the relishing smack, Ere he quaffed off the Ilona Lemea : "'Tis a proper quotation," said temperate NEn, As he poured out the Treasury mixture instead, And finished it—" me ciehorea." N.B.—We may suppose that the ancient Romans pronounced the e like the modern Italians. THE PRESS. SATURDAY, AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION IN TURKEY. (FOUNDED ON ELECTRIC TELEGRAPHS.) I The Kiosk, Constantinopk. Sultan Asnut MEDSCHID ii at his pianoforte. abstractedly playing orer and over his favourite and only tune—a march, Enter lissom) Pacha, almost hastily.] RESCHID: Refuge of the World ! SULTAN : Worthy man—khosh you in good spirits? RESCHID: By my father's beard ! no, Vicar of Heaven. Your servant is troubled in the last degree. SULTAN : Staferillah ! Heaven forbid ! Let us hear. Man hath his appointed trouble, and, as the device of the small Englishman, Russell Effendi (he who eats so much dirt), hath it, the sara, sans. RESCHID: Most preternatural among wise Monarchs! you have fore shadowed my sorrow. The Ambassador of England seeks the sunshine of your presence. SULTAN : Mashallah ! Be the omen averted. REscHID: Allah kerim. Yet, if your servant might suggest, it may be well to admit him. Doubtless he comes to explain to your Imperial Majesty the conduct of his masters at home. SULTAN : Does he bring me the head of that Lord of Scotland, friend of the Great Bear? If so, his footstep shall be more welcome to my ear than the silver bells of Paradise. RESCHID: He has a large box with him, Padishah, but it will, I fear, be but a Dead Sea apple as regards the hope your Sublimity is pleased to express. That mountaineer's head is as yet safe upon his shoulders. Your servant has, with much labour, read his harangue when his face was blackened before the Lords of London. SULTAN : The good time may come. Meanwhile, call in the Am• bassador. He is a worthy person, and, I think, hath small love for those whose envoy he now is. The English AMBASSADOR is introduced with the due formal AMBASSADOR : Your Sublimity, I have this day a despatch from my Government, in which the most cordial sentiments of regard for your Sublimity, and for the independence of your dominions, are conveyed in the most impressive language. SULTAN : The words aro the leaves and the acts are the fruits, Stratford Effendi. Is that your fruit-basket in your hand? AMBASSADOR: This box, your Sublimity, contains the despatch in question, and other despatches ; but these, with your Sublimity's per mission, I will read to Resehid, in all their fulness ; troubling your Sublimity only with the marrow and cream thereof. I have informed your Sublimity that the one strong and hearty desire of the Govern ment of the Queen of England is the security, honour, and indepen dence of your dominions. SULTAN! I have heard so, many times. We have a proverb, Strat ford Effendi, that the truth needs one word, the lie ten thousand. AMBASSADOR: Having at home, your Sublimity, a thing called a Parliament, we are painfully aware of the accuracy of the proverb. SULTAN : Backallum! We shall see. Your masters have, doubtless, commanded the Bear to get out of my dominions, and to pay me back the vast sums his invasion has cost me. They have also ordered your ships to enter the straits ; and, if needful, to sweep out the corners of the Black Sea. It is well. I have faith in England, for she is strong and honourable, and, though infidel, an eighth part of the morn shines upon her. Allah Kerlm. AMBASSADOR (producing a piper): Your Sublimity, when the sun shines men go out of their dwellings , but when it is dark they stay at home. He who hath money may drink sherbet, but he who hath none must drink water. It is a good thing to ride, but rather than abandon his journey the wise man will walk. The tall youth can pluck the olive ; the child must wait until it falls. SULTAN (exasperated): In the name of Sheittin, what is all this? In the multitude of counsels the soul hungered'. We admit every one of your accursed commonplaces—get on. What day is the last you have appointed for these Russian dogs to retreat to their kennels ? That day we will purify the land with prayers and fireworks, and the ladies in the semi shall suck many bon-bons. IVallah AMBASSADOR : It has not been thought well to name the day, your Sublimity. But you will be gratified to know that the Russian listens favourably to the terms we proposed on your behalf, and that your Sublimity's face is whitened before him. He is disposed to forgive your Sublimity, and to allow matters to remain us they were. SULTAN (mystified) : Have we drunk wine, Resehid ? What dirt is this? Who stands before us? Is it Stratfot d Effendi, our friend, or that beast in boots the Russian Prince, on whose father's grave be all defilement. Have we tat - en huschish, and are dreaming ! Kiefiniz eimi—are ~'T ■