The Press. — London, England, 1854-05-13 00:00:00

From SLASHUM EBN HASHUM, residing in London, to his friend KABOB EFFENDI, residing near Thatladi-Kapoussi, on the Sea of Marmora, Constantinople. I TOLD you, 0 Kabob, that my acquaintance Board, who had made so many blunders in his geography, seeing the Lord Aberdeen come into the room, went up to tell him, joyously, of his own mistake about Scutari. Truly the jest of mirthfulness fell upon the ear of dissatis faction, for not ono smile would the nobleman accord to his friend's narrative, and, when I was pointed out to him, he looked across the room at me with a displeased expression of countenance. But who was Aberdeen that he should scowl at Slashum Ebn Hashum ? Aberdeen fears war, whereas Slashum, whose eyes glow at the trumpet call, and whose scimitar flashes in its unsheathing like the lightning, has rushed, shouting, among thousands of foemen, and with his single arm has—[Our space being valuable, we have ventured to excise a couple of pages in which Kabob's gallant correspondent brilliantly de scribes his taking a city in Anatolia with his own hand.] Was 1, 0 Kabob, the man to be daunted by a frown from this Earl? Assuredly not. I went up to him, and demanded of Board that he should present us to one another after the manner of these people. And, although Board evidently disliked the duty, he per formed it, seeking to improve your friend in the eyes of Aberdeen by saying that, though a Turk, I was "an enlightened one." Enlightened with such light as theirs indeed ! Mashallah ! Staferillah ! Light laid on, as by their fetid gas-pipes, from the lowest cellar of Jehanum. I " I am happy in meeting your lordship," I said, knowing that could annoy him. "An Osmanli must rejoice in the opportunity of thanking the chief servant of the Queen of England for the aid she has sent us in our need. Allah raz olsun ! " " Ah! sad work, sad work!" grumbled my illustrious acquaintance. " I am glad to hear, sir, that you are enlightened, because you must see how utterly absurd has been the conduct of your people." "We have eaten dirt in our time," I answered, humbly ; " but now we have learned to imitate your noble nation." "My nation was wiser, sir," he said; " we gave up our Sovereign when a neighbour grew too powerful to endure him, and we submitted to the seat of Government being transferred to the stronger country, and you should have done the same." " Ha! ha!" said Board, good-humouredly. " Another excellent joke . ! Our Oriental friend is thinking of this country. Lord Aberdeen is a Scotchman, don't you know? " I did not understand this ; so Board, in order to explain it, told me that Scotland was to England what Greece was to Turkey, and that, indeed, its capital was called Modern Athens. So I asked him whether one of these days the European powers would unite and make Scot land independent, and give her a Bavarian King Board thought this very amusing, but his friend frowned him down. " You allude to English rule, my lord ?" " I allude to nothing of the kind. We have enough to do between India, Australia, and America, to say nothing of home, which is the last place a true philanthropist should think of." " Your lordship, being a Protestant of rather a strong school, would hardly call France a Christian power. Besides, the Sovereign of France has been the object of the abuse of your Cabinet." Here Board coloured up, and slunk away. " I do not mean France," said my lord ; " I mean the nation which is your powerful neighbour—the England to your Scotland—the nation with which you are unhappily at war. Had your Government been reasonable, and sacrificed a few prejudices, instead of your being in arms and clamouring to Europe for aid, you might, under the auspices of Russia, have been pursuing the path of civilisation and enlightenment. I can assure you that the Czar had the kindest views towards you, but he has been misinterpreted and slandered." " It is the fortune of good men to be so treated, my lord," I re plied ironically. " I know his designs," said the Earl. " Without entering into his territorial policy, which does not concern you, he had resolved to im prove Constantinople for you in a way which would have made you grateful for ever. He would have abolished the bastinado." " For the knout." " He would have drained the city." "Of its piastres, my lord. We expected that." " He would have reformed your army." " And fed it on garbage, as he does his own." " He would have taught you how to treat women." " After the fashion he treated the Minsk nuns ? Our women do not like being flogged. and kicked, and flung into ponds." " He would have fortified your capital." " It needs no fortifications, except against him." " He would have promoted education." " Our schools are better than his already ; and for that matter, my lord, better than your own. We do not leave children to perish in ignorance to please schismatics." " And he would have made your Golden Horn—" " Another nursery for Russian sailors—a seeond Sea of Azoff. We are very much obliged to him, and to you, my lord ; but, on the whole, I venture to repeat my humble thanks for your Queen's assist ance, and to say once more Allah raz olsun." Lord Aberheen went away in a very ill temper, and I hastened to write down our conversation. It confirms all we had heard, 0 Kabob, of his affection for the man in boots, and so I have written to my patron. Regard my interests, 0 Kabob, and the fortune of a prince be upon you. SLASHUM EBN HASHUM. [We regret to add that the enlightened writer of the above letters has been suddenly recalled, but we are not without hopes of heannr from him when he reaches Constantinople.] A DISCOVERY. 'Twas said till now by antiquarians quaint That every town but used its patron saint On city seals, and tavern-signs to paint. But this an error all along hath been, For clearly now the patent fact is seen— St. NICHOLAS is the saint of ABERDEEN.* • " There are also guardian saints of cities. St. Egidius presides over Edinburgh, and St. Nicholas Aberdeen."—Radcliffee Fiends, Ghosts, and Spirits, p. 49. lIIIIIIIIIItItItItIIr___ .: l•f !--_:. _::.:.: . --.. . ... .. THE PRESS. A DREAM OF THE AMBASSADOR'S BALL. Before me rose last evening late, In life and lustre seeming, The splendid crowd of Albert-gate, In plumes and jewels gleaming. And chief amid the brilliant press One group I marked advancing, Each placeman in his proper dress, In proper orders glancing. Their Premier came the first of all, As like the ghost of Danby (Ere foreign favour wrought his fall) As two such people can be. Another, as in farce we see, Assumed a costume later, The famous Diddler's garb when he For " tenpence " asks the waiter. A third in Burleigh's bugles strode, And shook his head so knowing, 'Twas clear his hopes were " all abroad," Where all his wits were going. But, overtaxed, my cheated sense At length my slumber banished ; I muttered, "want of confidence !" And all my vision vanished. SATURDAY, " The interests of a noble country are not to be sported with," he said. "I wished this Turkish gentleman to understand my sentiments. There are no hopes for Turkey." " While there is life there is hope," I said. " But you have no life," he replied, impatiently. " What is the state of Constantinople? Are not the streets full of dogs—twenty thousand, I believe?" " That is the number, my lord, and I believe exactly that of the unhappy women who prowl the streets of your Christian metropolis." " Ah!" he said, " that's another question—you don't understand political economy, or you would see that an artificial state of society must have unfavourable phenomena. That is no argument. yotr streets, moreover, smell vilely, I know." " I own it, my lord, and I have missed the odour ever since I came to England until yesterday, when I was out on your Thames, and have been ill ever since." " Commercial interests forbid sacrifices to fastidious tastes," said the Earl. " But look at your laws—arbitrary, bloodthirsty—why, a man's head is off in Turkey before anybody knows that he has been accused." "The Padishah's vengeance falls rarely, but swiftly," I answered. " You are wiser—you make a ruffian into a hero, whose life and con versation are the theme of thousands; and, after giving him every chance of escape, you put him to death in the presence of the most hideously profligate throng you can invite to the spectacle." He found he was getting the worst of it, my Kabob, so he changed his attack. " Whether our reforms are complete or not may be a question," he said; "but we only want time for improvement." "And we only want time, my lord." " Yes," he said, "you want something else. You want a strong Christian Government, to put you in the right way, and to keep you there." , 1, ■ 2 111 i