Respondent: So far, they've been returning 
the wallets with some of the change gone. 


Caller: | — 


Respondent: Now listen, we need you to tell 


us your address so we can take care of the 
situation. (Pause.) Sir? 


Caller: Uh, they left. 


Respondent: Have you suffered any injuries, 
any structural damage? 


(Pause.) 
Caller: No, they uh, they just left. 


Respondent: So, do you still require 
assistance? 


(Pause.) 


Caller: No, | think I'll be good. Scared shitless, 
but otherwise alright. Uh... (Pause.) ...later. 


(Caller hangs up.) 


Following this incident, local agents reported back to nearby Site-64, 
but it was deemed a mundane occurrence of unusually intelligent 
crows. Confirmed anomalous status and containment was achieved 
four months later, following Incident-3466-02. 


Addendum-3466-A | Establishment of SCP-3466 Run Business 
(Incident-3466-02) 

On 7/20/2013, a Burger King opened in a previously abandoned 
building by a lot on the Clackamas-Boring Highway. Following a call 
reporting the new chain (which had not been reported to be under 
construction) to be full of crows and devoid of staff, Gol-466 sent 
two employees to the scene. The following document was shared 
with the SCP Foundation following the confirmation of anomalous 
activity surrounding the crows (what Gol-466 classified as Slightly 
Unusual on their Unusuality Scale). 


Document-3466-466-A 


Goal 


Discover intents / functions / any pertinent 
information of the crow-run Burger King chain on 
the Clackamas-Boring Highway. 


Actors 
Investigator / Feather Fanucchi 
Investigator / Justin "Chickadee" Harp 
Caller / Vincent Plymouth 
Respondent / Gary Harp 
Report 


Transcriber / Feather Fanucchi 


"Gary got the call from a man, Vincent Plymouth, 
that there was a Burger King on the Clackamas- 
Boring Highway. Myself and Chickadee geared up 
and went to the site of the incident, went inside, 
and all the crows were actually doing jobs. They 


focused on us, and we decided to move towards 
the counter where a bird with a big Burger King 
hat was on the cash register. The menu was all 
chicken scratch, but the pictures were all what 
was expected, so we ordered two cheeseburgers 
and a large fries. They couldn't understand what 
we said, so we pointed at the items on the menu. 
Some birds in the kitchen got to work. 


We decided to let the situation play itself out and 
assess its threat and sat at one of the tables. In 
about thirty minutes, we had our cheeseburgers 
brought to us (they forgot the fries), and they were 
normal Burger King burgers. Unsure how they got 
the ingredients. After we were done, the crow from 
behind the counter brought us blank receipt paper. 
We estimated that two cheeseburgers were 
probably two dollars, so we put down two one- 
dollar bills. They didn't seem to understand that, 
so remembering the takeout incident from a few 
months back Chickadee put down some coins. 


The crows seemed very excited, cawing and 
fluttering about, sharing the coins. Chickadee 
thought it was amusing and dumped out his whole 
coin purse. The crowd went wild. After some noise 
and coin flinging, they all seemed to calm down. 
They got quiet, but piped back up when we got up 
to leave so we sat back down. A big crow that 
carried a tie around with it gave a deep cackle, 
and all the crows scattered back into the kitchen 
or the rest of the building. They seemed to guard 
the door though, so we remained seated. We 
didn't think this was a threatening flock, so we 
didn't want to show any aggression. After a minute 
of silence, one of them brought us back a Mickey 
Mouse bobble head that was clearly dug out of the 
dirt recently. We smiled, thanked it, and shuffled 
out of the building. | still have the cleaned bobble 
head on the desk. While highly abnormal, 


Chickadee and | agree that this does not seem to 
be a threat. |, Feather, suggest a peaceful 
arrangement." 


EDIT 8/1/2013: Suggestion has passed. 


Results 


With permission and support (there seems to be a 
lack of health inspectors), the Supervisors have 
allowed us to staff the Burger King from the same 
hiring pool that we hire our own workers (and with 
the same or similar training, see the Fourth 
Amendment of the Boring Agreement for further 
details). The crows seemed sad to not be able to 
staff the restaurant themselves, but we now give 
them a fraction of the profits (only coins) and allow 
them in on meetings. We feed them Burger King 
burgers, and we allow them to deliver takeout to 
the Wilson's Wildlife Solutions offices at night. 
Morale for both parties has been soaring since 
then (except for Sarah Gardner, we make sure 
she doesn't see the birds). 


As per requests, they aren't allowed with any 
paraphernalia in public. |, Gary Harp, suggest that 
we have more meetings. Our black feathered 
buddies really, really like the meetings. 


EDIT 9/25/2013: Suggestion has passed. 


Addendum-3466-B | Suspected Influence of an Outside Entity 
An MTF Beta-4 / Gol-466 joint investigation of the building yielded a 
scattered pile of legal papers on the desk of the manager's office. 
Along with all expected papers, a paper that appears to imply the 
transaction through which SCP-3466 acquired the Burger King was 
found. The document is transcribed below: 


Document-3466-C 


Peck Your Own Bird Feeder 
Business 
for Cheep 


Have you ever wanted 

business? 

Do you yearn for small shiny objects? |, Dr. 
Cawthorne, may be able to help you. Hello, |am 
Dr. Cawthorne. | have been trained in 

business, 

and | know how to get you your very own 
business. 

But what is 

business? 


All it will take are 
4 
easy payments of 


quarters, and |, Dr. Cawthorne, will be able to give 
you your very own 

business. 

You will be able to run it how you want to run it, as 
long as you sign all of the 

business 

papers that | will send to you once the money 


giving is complete. You may choose from 


Meat patties seller 
Meat slurries seller 
Paper objects seller 
Lightning cords seller 
and 

Dialysis clinic 


You may give your quarters to your local 
Cawthorne 

business 

representor. Have a good day. Jump out of your 
nest and 


Spread your 
business 
wings 


Along with the paper, a pile of business cards promoting a "Dr. 
Cawthorne: Doctorate in Business" was found. While some words 
such as "Prime Dealer of Big Bird Feeders!" were legible, others, 
such as the phone number and address, were written in short 
vertical marks. 


Footnotes 

1. Following the Ursus Maritimus Incident of 2008, the Boring 
Agreement was created as a binding document which allows 
Wilson's Wildlife Solutions to handle the containment of Euclid or 
Safe fauna based anomalies within Clackamas County under 
supervision of the SCP Foundation. 

2. An MTF assigned to assist Gol-466 in containment, as well as to 
monitor their activities to ensure they do not break any contracts in 
the Boring Agreement. 


SCP-3467: Anomoalous, Moa Less 


Item #: SCP-3467 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3467 is contained in a 
Standard Aviary constructed near Site-64, isolated from the rest of 
the facility. All maintenance of this aviary is to be performed either 
via automation, or else by Designated Containment Liaison Peggy 
Marquez. 


No personnel are to interact with SCP-3467 with the exception of 
DCL Marquez, who has been granted DCL status and 
representative Foundation employment for the purposes of 
continued containment. 


In the event that SCP-3467 breaches containment, it is to be 
recontained solely by DCL Marquez. Any armed personnel in the 
area are to evacuate SCP-3467's path and are not to attempt to 
engage or capture it. 


Description: SCP-3467 is a bush moa (Anomalopteryx didiformis)', 
approximately 1.4m tall. 


SCP-3467 exerts an anomalous influence on any sentient being 
attempting to capture, hunt, or kill it. This influence causes a range 
of symptoms, including dizziness, amnesia, ataxia, and vision 
impairment, which fade roughly two hours after the victim ceases 
pursuit of SCP-3467. 


When two or more individuals are targeting SCP-3467, SCP-3467's 
influence gains additional effects. Individuals will become paranoid, 
and their ability to coordinate or communicate effectively with each 
other will be impaired, directly proportional to the number of 
individuals affected at once. 


Addendum: Acquisition Report 

SCP-3467 was first identified following multiple reports of a 
"madness bird" or "madness dinosaur" throughout Vancouver, 
Washington. Mobile Task Force Phi-2 ("Clever Girls") was deployed, 
and equipped with SCRAMBLE visors and other countermemetic 
gear, as well as long-range tranquilizer rifles. 


MTF Phi-2 tracked SCP-3467 south across the Washington-Oregon 
border. Around the same time, MTF Beta-4 ("Castaways") was sent 
to investigate. 


Both task forces were revealed to have encountered SCP-3467 
directly and were exposed to its anomaly; all members were 
incapacitated from either friendly tranquilizer fire or self-injury 
presumably due to loss of balance2. 


Shortly after, GOI-466 ("Wilson's Wildlife Solutions") employee 
Peggy Marquez encountered SCP-3467 while on an unrelated 
assignment to measure the water quality of the Willamette River. 
SCP-3467 cautiously approached Marquez, who petted SCP-3467 
and offered it a portion of her food. After contacting both GOI-466 
and the Foundation, Marquez managed to lead SCP-3467 back to 
headquarters, at which point she was able to lure it into an aviary 
without incident. 


Following this, and the subsequent full recovery of all MTF 
operatives, SCP-3467 was declared contained per the Boring 
Agreement. 


Footnotes 

1. A wingless, flightless bird that was endemic to New Zealand until 
its extinction by the 15th century AD. 

2. One Phi-2 operative appeared to have blindfolded herself in an 
attempt to defend herself from SCP-3467's anomaly. 


SCP-3469: Nice Cream 


Item #: SCP-3469 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: Samples of SCP-3469 are to 
be seized and individually contained in Low-Value Anomalous 
Storage Units. Individuals found carrying or utilizing SCP-3469 are 
to be detained and questioned to ascertain its origin and the 
potential location of Pol-60249. 


Description: SCP-3469 is a creamy white substance of unknown 
composition. When SCP-3469 comes into contact with a solid, it 
rearranges portions of the object's composition to form a pattern that 
resembles the numeral 69. The size and components rearranged 
depend on the proportion of SCP-3469 to the object covered; 
changes are non-fatal and usually of little physical damage to living 
creatures. SCP-3469 does not affect items whose volume is less 
than 3 cubic centimeters. 


SCP-3469 is primarily distributed in aerosol cans composed of 
mundane lacquered tinplate with plastic caps. These cans are 
immune to SCP-3469's effect until they are emptied of SCP-3469, at 
which point they are normally affected by it. 


Show Experiment Log 3469 
Experiment 3469-1 


Subject: A can of soft drink. 

Experiment: SCP-3469 is sprayed atop the entire 
surface of the can's outside, and the can's interior is filled 
with SCP-3469. 

Result: The ink on the outside of the can shifts to display 
a single 69 spanning the width and length of the can's 
surface. The number's colors are according to the can's 


self-activation of the artifact but does not completely fool it. X-rays 
cannot penetrate the box's surface. 


The following moods have been observed: 


Happy: Smiling clown. While the clown's face, outfit and color 
scheme are different every time, its mood is consistent. 

In this state during special events, such as holidays and birthdays, 
object SCP-448 has been found to sing an appropriate song to the 
influencing person. "Happy Birthday", "We Wish You a Merry 
Christmas", "Here Comes the Bride", "Take Me Out to the Ball 
Game", and "American Pie" have been recorded. SCP-448's voice 
has been described as high-pitched and irritating. 


Sad: Frowning clown. Tears have been often recorded to flow from 
clown's eyes. Chemical analysis has found them to be of the same 
composition as human tears. 

When approached by persons with suicidal thoughts, Object takes 
the form of [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Angry: [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Scared: Unknown. In this state, lid will only open slightly before 
quickly shutting. Sounds of whimpering, screaming and crying can 
be heard from within. 


Dog/Animals: Anthropomorphic dog wearing clown outfit. When 
approached by any animal other than human, Object will take the 
form of an anthropomorphic version of that same animal in clown 
garb. 


Emotionless: Blank white cloth doll. This occurs when object is 
approached by an entity incapable of feeling emotion, such as 
[DATA EXPUNGED] 


It is unknown if SCP-448's environment also affects whatever form it 
takes. Until further testing is performed, its current containment 
procedures will not be altered. 


Addendum: All attempts at physically penetrating or otherwise 
destroying SCP-448 have been unsuccessful. This is not because it 


pigmentation colors. 


Subject: A proof of purchase from Walmart detailing a 
transaction of $0.99 for a can of soft drink. 

Experiment: SCP-3469 is sprayed atop one side of the 
receipt. 

Result: The ink pigment on both sides of the receipt 
shifts towards the side SCP-3469 was applied on and 
forms a singular, black 69 spanning the width and length 
of the receipt. 


Subject: A 6 month old rat (Rattus norvegicus). 
Experiment: The subject's upper body fur is sprayed 
with SCP-3469. 

Result: Fur pigmentation on subject's affected area 
lightens in tone until the number 69 is clearly visible atop 
the area of application. Subject does not express pain, 
and continues normal routine during further 24 hours of 
observation. 


Subject: D-549w85, a Hispanic female. 

Experiment: SCP-3469 is sprayed over the subject's left 
forearm. 

Result: D-549w85's skin pigmentation lightens in tone 
until the number 69 is clearly visible atop the area of 
application. D-549w85 does not express pain, but 
indicates distress and asks if the result is permanent. 
D-549w85 is told that the pigmentation shift will 
disappear within 30 days before dismissal. 


Subject: D-432906, a Chinese male with albinism. 
Experiment: SCP-3469 is sprayed over the subject's left 
forearm. 

Result: A scab begins forming over area of application; 
D-432906 expresses pain and surprise. When asked to 
describe the pain, D-432906 mentions "a bunch of little 
cat scratches". When the process ends, the scab formed 
on D-432906's arm outlines the number 69. Subject is 
placed under further observation. 


Recovery Log 3469: On 06/09/2018, London-based street artist 


Twobit (realname S_ N_) streamed a video of her sneaking into 

and attempting to paint over a recently restored wall. At 01:09, 
after breaking and entering into the building, she begins painting the 
wall only to discover SCP-3469's anomalous properties. In the 
remaining 21:25, Twobit paints over several segments of the wall 
she had originally intended to, as well as the floor and the opposite 
wall, before the stream is remotely terminated by Foundation assets. 
At 02:45 AM, Twobit was apprehended by Agent Mearns, posing as 
local law enforcement, as she attempted to escape from . The 
following interview was carried out 45 minutes after the 
apprehension. 


Show Interview Log 3469 


Mearns: Would you like a glass of water? 
Twobit: Nicest cop I've ever met. 

Mearns: Would you? 

Twobit: No thanks. | had plenty in that weird... 
Twobit: Nice, padded cell? 

Mearns: Miss N_, | would like to ask you 
some things about the paint you used in your 
recent Facebook upl- 

Twobit: You're not a normal cop, right? 
Mearns: | am... higher, on the chain of 
command.