It has been shown through testing that the words "Lorem Ipsum" 
followed by vaguely relevant nonsense-Latin is a basic form of 
archaic reality-bending magic, henceforth known as SCP-7000-J-A. 


Test Log of SCP-7000-J-A: 


Objective 


Terminate D-5839 


SCP-7000-J-A 
phrase 
"Lorem ipsum servus 
quinque octo tria 
novem mortis totalis' 


Improve capabilities of "Lorem ipsum 
the Scranton Reality; Scrantus Anchorem 


Anchor 
Grant O5-11 
immortality 


ad deus magna fortis” 


"Lorem ipsum o- 
quinque undecim 
vivus ad eternam" 


Result 


D-5839's body turns 
inside-out over the 
course of three days. 
SCP-7000-J-A no 
longer used for 
employee termination. 
A giant anchor falls 
from the sky onto a 
nearby orphanage. 
05-11 currently 
invulnerable to any 
form of wound, but 
only capable of 


Terminate SCP-682; "Lorem ipsum malus 


speech in nonsense 
Latin. 
SCP-682 unharmed; 


reptilium sex octo duo text generated in 


super-mortuum" 


Cure all forms of "Lorem ipsum ecce 

cancer canceri est crapulus, 
reduciam ad nihil" 

Keep SCP-2317-K "Lorem ipsum us 


clouds over Site-58: 
"FUCKUS THATUS 
SHITUM" 

The Alaskan king crab 
goes extinct. 


Email received by 


under permanent devourem haltus et | Site-58 director from 

containment in its damnat ad eternam et an unknown sender: 

current position ecce humani ad "TU EST BONEDUS, 
pacem” LOLOLOLEM" 


Enable Wile E. Coyote"Lorem ipsum facere 

to finally capture the} beastus famishus 

Road Runner mangere birdius 
speedius, magna 
omnomnomis" 


Decrease the strength "Lorem ipsum o- 


Previously unreleased 
Chuck Jones cartoon 
"Satisfaction 
Guaranteed!" is 
released, depicting 
seven minutes of Wile 
E. Coyote obsessively 
licking the corpse of 
the Road Runner, who 
had been hit by a 
truck. 

Containment breach 


of SCP-076-2 to that septem-sex est fatuUs of SCP-076-2 


of anormal human | et douchembagitur, 
facere eius fortis ad 
weaksaucem et 
noobis" 

Footnotes 

1. "Thisus Sucksus." - O5-11 


commences as 
normal, but offensive 
action consists entirely 
of whining. 


required to watch security footage of Incident 549-72 as part of their 
orientation. 


Description: SCP-549 appears to be a miniature version of Ursus 
arctos horribilis or grizzly bear. In stature it is approximately 17 
centimeters in length when standing on its hind legs. However, 
SCP-549 has a mass in line with an average adult grizzly bear (in 
summer around 305 kilograms). It consumes as much food as a full- 
sized grizzly would and is able to exert all the same force with its 
claws and bite. This presents a number of problems, since its 
strength is concentrated over a much smaller area. Several of 
SCP-549's first enclosures were destroyed because it exerted far 
more force than expected of so small a creature. The walls of its 
current enclosure, treated with [DATA EXPUNGED], have proven 
more able to resist any attempts to escape, though as long as it is 
fed regularly and not provoked it seems content to remain in the 
terrarium. 


SCP-549 was recovered in , Canada along with several 
other miniature animals. Though agents on site were unable to 
determine the cause of death for the others, SCP-549's dietary 
requirements suggest they may have died from starvation. Professor 

theorized that SCP-549 only survived because it was in its 
hibernation state at the time when [DATA EXPUNGED]. Subject had 
a collar affixed similar to the other [DATA EXPUNGED] with the 
etched designation "URSA MINOR / DR WONDERTAINMENT'S 
MICRO MENAGERIE". Several personnel were harmed in trying to 
remove the subject from [DATA EXPUNGED], mostly because of its 
great weight and strength. 


How SCP-549 seems to be of the same mass as a normal bear but 
occupying a smaller space is currently unknown. Dr. believes 
that it may involve a warping of space-time, rather than true 
shrinking. How physical laws have been circumvented is unknown, 
but tests are currently being formulated. 


« SCP-548 | SCP-549 | SCP-550 » 


SCP-000-J: "The Official SCP Sales Catalogue" 


Item #: SCP-000 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-000 is to be kept in its 
glass case in Prof. Snider’s office. If it is to be removed for study, it 
must be returned by the end of the day. Copies may be made of the 
contents. No purchases may be made from the artifact’s contents 
without Level 3 clearance and must be paid from one’s own pocket. 
SCP-000 and any copies made cannot leave facility grounds. 


Description: SCP-000 is a full-color, 200-page catalogue printed on 
gloss paper. Front page reads “THE OFFICIAL SCP SALES 
CATALOGUE?’ in large red letters on the front, with a yellow star 
reading “Hundreds of bargains!” in the lower right-hand corner. In 
the center of the magazine is a picture of Dr. Jack Bright, 
smiling and holding what appears to be SCP-066 in his hand. When 
questioned, Dr. Bright insisted that he had never had such a picture 
taken. 


The catalogue contains pictures and information on almost every 
single SCP artifact known, though the information on each object is 
written more like a sales pitch than an official document. Prices, item 
numbers and an order number are also listed. 


The bottom of the cover reads “Our best issue ever!!!”, suggesting 
that there might be more issues of SCP-000 floating around. This is 
still being investigated. 


Besides artifacts, SCP-000 also includes a list of SCP-related 
merchandise, including t-shirts, books, DVDs, and even video 
games and action figures, all of which are based off of known SCP 
artifacts, phenomena, creatures, and personnel. Administration 
denies ever authorizing the creation or distribution of the magazine 
or anything it sells. 


Samples of sales pitches from the magazine include: 


ITEM #063 - “The World’s Greatest TothBrush” 

Dont let the typo fool you: this toothbrush is out of this world! No 
toothpaste needed, just gently scrub your teeth and, like magic, all 
that nasty plaque is completely obliterated! And for those ground-in 
countertop stains, look no further than The World’s Greatest 
TothBrush! Available in blue, pink and green. 

Price: $. 


ITEM #123 - “Contained Miniature Black Hole” 

Back in stock after so many requests, this black hole is guaranteed 
to spaghettify anything you throw at it. Great for science projects 
and parties! And what better way to say “I love you” than with the gift 
of a contained miniature black hole? Order now while supplies last! 
Warning: contains small parts. 

Price: $ 


ITEM#244 - “Ice Fog Jar” 

Why waste electric-bill money on expensive refrigerators? This jar 
will turn an enclosed space of any size into your own private meat- 
locker! Freeze whatever you want: just pop off the lid and watch it 
go! 

Price: $ . 


ITEM #340 — “Insanity Candy” 

A truly maddening prank! Trick your friends into eating these covert 
candies and watch them literally go out of their minds! Available in 5- 
packs. 

Price: $ . 


ITEM #447 - “Ball of Green Slime” 

What can you do with it? What CAN'T you do with it? Use it as a 
lubricant, top off your gas tank, style your hair, or even dress up 
your salads and sundaes! The possibilities are endless! Now 
available in blue. 

WARNING: Do not apply to dead bodies. 

Price: $ . 


ITEM #500- "Panacea" 
Got Ebola? HIV? Cancer? Athlete's Foot? This pill cures 'em all! No 


malady is too incurable. OUT OF STOCK. 
Price:$, , , . 


ITEM #551- “Impossible Puzzle” 

Throw out your Rubik’s Cube and put down that crossword! This is 
the puzzle to end all puzzles! No-one in history has ever completed 
it, can YOU? Hours of fun! 

Price: $ . 


Many of the sales pitches seem to suggest that some SCP artifacts 
are not the only ones of their kind, with phrases like “order two, get 
the third free!” and so on. However, when more than one item is 
ordered, the arriving package only contains the original artifact along 
with a number of mundane replicas of the same artifact. 


Samples of merchandise related to, but not listed, as SCP artifacts 
include: 


-A white cotton T-shirt reading “I Survived the Wrath of SCP-682”. 
Included a picture of SCP-682 on the front. Available in size S- 
XXXL. 

Price: $ . 


-A 30.48cm (12in) SCP-076-2 action figure, with interchangeable 
wardrobe, accessories, and carrying case shaped like SCP-076-1. 
When questioned, SCP-076 expressed great distaste. 

Price: $ . 


-A 2-disc CD titled “Dr. Clef’s Holiday Hits”. Cover depicts Dr. 
Alto Clef in a Santa outfit and holding a microphone. When 
questioned, Dr. Clef denied ever recording such an album. 
Price: $ . 


-A 'Girls of SCP' pin up calendar, featuring Drs Palmer and Rights, 
Break, and SCPs 105, 336, and 166, all in various states of undress. 
All but Break claim to have never posed for such pictures. 

Price: $ . 


-A 3-disc DVD set entitled 'SCP Brawl: The Greatest SCP vs. SCP 
Fights’. Cover depicts SCPs 076-2, 173, and 682. Each disc is 9 
hours long and features various Keter level SCPs fighting each 


other, most of which have never been formally recorded or even 
attempted. 
Price: $ . 


-Soundtrack of "FERNAND! The Musical". Contains two discs with 
ten songs each, many of which were of a violent or vulgar nature 
regarding SCP-082, some of which are apparently sung by SCP-082 
himself. When questioned, 082 proudly boasted about his supposed 
past in musical theatre and the long hours he would spend preparing 
and method acting. The validity of these statements is debatable. 
SCP-082 is the current owner of the soundtrack (unofficially, as he 
has eaten the previous holder and refused to give it back). 


Addendum: SCP-000 was discovered in Prof. Snider’s mailbox on 
/ / . Though it was addressed to him, he insists on never ordering 
such a thing. No return address was found. 


The following is a transcript of Prof. Snider’s attempts to gain any 
information on SCP-000 via the order number ( -_ ) listed in the 
magazine: 


Document 000-01 
Snider: Hello? 


: Thank you for calling the SCP Sales Catalogue. 
What would you like to order? 


Snider: Who are you? 
: Your order, sir? 
Snider: |'ll ask again: who are you? 
: What item number would you care to order, sir? 


Snider: I’m not ordering anything! | demand to know who 
you are! 


: I’m afraid you have the wrong number, sir. Goodbye. 
(hangs up) 


Snider: [DATA EXPUNGED]! 


Note: The voice on the other end was described by Prof. Snider as a 
young lady with a British accent, speaking in a bored monotone. 


Document 000-02 


: Thank you for calling the SCP Sales Catalogue. 
What would you like to order? 


Snider: What is your name, young lady? 
: Your order, sir? 
Snider: Can | speak to your manager? 


: I’m afraid | can’t understand your accent sir. Please 
speak more clearly. 


Snider: | have the same accent you do! 


: If you have purchased from us before, you’re eligible 
for a free year-long subscription to our catalogue. 


Snider: Madame, are you aware that what you’re doing 
is not only illegal, but the items you're selling threaten 
the existence of reality as we speak? 


: Your order, sir? 


Snider: For the last time, | am not buying anything from 
your bloody magazine! Who is your manager? 


: I’m sorry sir, you have the wrong number. (hangs up) 
Snider: [DATA EXPUNGED]! 
Document 000-03 


: Thank you for calling the SCP Sales Catalogue. 
What would you like to order? 


Snider: | don’t want- (groans) 


: Sir? 
Snider: Fine, we'll do it your way. | guess I'll order... 
SCP-005. That seems safe enough. 

: And how many would you care to purchase? 


Snider: How many? There’s only one! 


: So that’s one order of SCP-005. Your totalis$ . . 
Will that be all, sir? 


Snider: Alright, I've bought something. Now will you 
please let me speak to your manager? 


: Thank you for shopping with the SCP. (dial tone) 
Snider: Son of a [DATA EXPUNGED]! 


(The following day around noon, SCP-005 went missing from its 
containment area. Artifact was later found at Prof. Snider’s doorstep 
in a cardboard box addressed to him with no return address or 
postage. SCP-005 was returned to its original place and the money 
used to purchase it was deducted from Snider’s next paycheck. All 
further purchases from SCP-000 have ended in the same fashion. 
Attempts to trace the call have been unsuccessful.) 


SCP-1948-J: The Comrade 


Item #: SCP-1948-J 
Object Class: CYP (Safe) 
Special Containment Procedures: 


SCP-1948-J is to be kept in the mines north-east of , designated 
Site-1948-J. SCP-1948 should have access to food, water and a 
pack of ciggies per day. 


Description: 


SCP-1948-J is a member of Equus caballus and our great comrade! 
Somehow it has the ability to soeak and the staff is absolutely 
pleased with that! It's hard working and has a really good taste of 
humor. Every hour he lights a ciggie and every two hours he cracks 
open a cold one. SCP-1948-J doesn't appear to have any enemies, 
he goes out well with his comrades and also with other horses. It's 
also incredibly photogenic. 


SCP-1948-J Recovery log 
+ EXPAND 


SCP-1948-J was found in the mines in the north-east of 

, Czechoslovak Socialist Republic. It was saved by 
group of local miners, now great friends to the 
Foundation, from a tunnel collapse. Staff was assigned 
to ensure the safety of this wonderful creature. 


Interview Log 1948-J-25: 
Interviewed: SCP-1948-J 


Interviewer: Dr. Viadimir 


<Begin Log> 
SCP-1948-J: Well howdy there doc! 


Vladimir: Good day to you comrade horse! How's 
going? 


SCP-1948-J: Well today is going very well, no casualities 
and we got some packs of smuggled ciggies from 
Germany! 


A lighter can be heard. 
<End Log> 


Addendum 1948-26: Hell, | like this horse! 


SCP-723-J: Sad Roach 


Item #: SCP-723-J 
Object Class :< 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-723-J is to be contained in 
the second-floor experimental lab utility closet. As SCP-723-J is 
allowed to roam this area freely, personnel entering the area are to 
remain vigilant. Retrieving SCP-723-J from within premises ("tactical 
wrangling") is a low-priority exercise, to be given only to unoccupied 
wranglers. 


Description: SCP-723-J is a Periplaneta americana (American 
cockroach) believed to be of advanced age, possessing 
characteristic downwards-slanted antennae. 


SCP-723-J's anomaly manifests in the deep, unstated emotional 
turmoil that researchers have observed in its behavior. Individuals 
who monitor SCP-723-J are able to intuit its past experiences, with 
little explanation of how they received this information. Though a low 
percentage of personnel members are immune to this effect, various 
responses have been generated regarding perceptions of SCP-723- 
J and its accompanying ability (see following partial list of qualitative 
observational log SCP-723-J-13: personnel responses) 


Dr. : He must be in a rough spot if he’s hanging out in 
the lab areas. It’s too cold for his species in there. | hope 
he finds his way outside where he belongs. 


Dr. : | felt bad for him since he seemed so lonely. I’ve 
actually never seen another bug in here, so | guess he 
must have lost his family. Maybe his mate too, if he had 
one. Poor guy. 


Jr. Researcher _ : / think that maybe the roach's sister 
had roach syphilis and the roach tried to save her but he 


couldn't crawl fast enough and now the roach lives 
forever because that way the roach sister lives on. As a 
feeling in his roach heart.