SCP-3999 is to be allowed access to Researcher Talloran's sister, 
currently a student at Penn State University. SCP-3999, at the 


prompting of its armed escort, is to brutally rape Researcher 
Talloran's sister and then rip out her eyeballs, slice off her legs, and 
disembowel her. It is then to use its abilities. and reverse the 
damage it has perpetrated. It is then to take her out for a banana 
split at Meyer Dairy, a local ice cream shop in the Penn State region. 
Following this, it 


SCP-3999 is highly dangerous to the lives of all personnel 
Researcher Talloran is highly beneficial to the lives of all personnel 


Per O5 ruling, tests are to be carried on every Monday between 
SCP-3999, SCP-1981, and SCP-1171. 


On the corner is a Researcher named Talloran\The little children 
laugh at him behind his back\And the banker never wears a mac 
\SCP-3999's page\Very strange? 

Researcher Talloran is to be tortured once a month. 


SCP-3999 is to constantly play the comedy specials of American 
comedian and noted Fifth Church member Patton Oswalt around 
Researcher Talloran's mother. It is to accompanied in this by 
members of MTF Rho-19. 


Researcher Talloran is to be contained within a 2m x 2m cube 
constructed of telekill alloy. Under no circumstances is he to be 
referred to as Irish American. 


NOTICE FROM THE 
FOUNDATION RECORDS 
AND INFORMATION 
SECURITY 
ADMINISTRATION 


Do not look at SCP-3999. It cannot harm you if you do not 
look at it. Do not look directly at it. Do not form a mental 
picture in your head of SCP-3999. If you do receive a 
visual image of it, you will die. If you even try to 
comprehend it, you will die. Do not look at SCP-3999 


All personnel are to convert to Buddhism and 
SCP-3999 hates you 
Researcher Talloran 


INT. A CONTAINMENT CHAMBER- NIGHT 


Researcher Talloran (30s, bright, increasingly anxious) stands next 
to the door leading out of SCP-3999's containment chamber. He's 
pounding on the door, frustrated that there's nobody there to save 
him, and scared for his life. 


TALLORAN: Lemme out! Lemme out! This isn't funny guys! This 
thing is slowly killing me in here! 

I'm trapped with it! 

Medium CU: Talloran's sweaty face, eyes darting 


TALLORAN: Is there anybody out there? 


SCP-3999 screeches horribly 


SCP-3999 loves cats and is to provided with one cat a month for 
good behavior. 


SCP-3999 is to be contained on the set of upcoming movie Three 
Christs, a drama movie directed by Jon Avnet. 


(Researcher Talloran frantically exists stage right, only to stumble 
fearfully onstage again) 


SCP-3999 is to be provided with ten (10) D-Class a month for good 
behavior. 


Researcher Talloran frantically tried to run out the door, only to run 
into a wall of solid concrete where the exit to reality should be. 
Strangely, despite it only being a solid wall, he could recognize that 
it was a segment of some great pedestal, chipped by some eldritch 
sculptor in the lonic fashion. He shook those thoughts out of his 
head. "So," he thought quickly, "I'm trapped in whatever this place is 
with this thing, and there's no outside reality anymore." He tried to 
wrap his head around what exactly "this thing" was, but he couldn't. 
It defied description. It was chaos itself. 


SCP-3999 is to be contained 


He clawed at the floor, despite being unsure of what the floor was 
even made of. 


SCP-3999 is to be contained 
He was able to tear a little hole. 
SCP-3999 is to be contained 
He could see light beneath it. 
SCP-3999 is to be contained 


He thought of his family, his colleagues, his work, anything about the 
world as it was, back when it existed. 


SCP-3999 is to be contained 
The hole was open. 
SCP-3999 is to be contained 
SCP-3999 


SCP-3999 is to be contained by everything folding in itself. 
SCP-3999 is to be contained by everything going wrong. 
SCP-3999 is to be contained via the following joke: 


A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, 
son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent 
agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should 
represent us.” 


The agent says, "Sorry, | don't represent family acts. 
They're a little too cute.” 


The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know 
you would want to represent us.” The agent says, "OK. 
OK. I'll take a look." 


The father dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign 
that says "Talent Agent" The mother dresses as the 
father and walks up to him and says "We have a really 
amazing act. You should represent us." 


The agent says, "Sorry, | don't represent family acts. 
They're a little too cute." 


The son (playing the mother) says, "Sir, if you just see 
our act, we know you would want to represent us." 


The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look." 


The son dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign that 
says "Talent Agent" The daughter dresses as the father 
and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing 
act. You should represent us." 


The agent says, "Sorry, | don't represent family acts. 
They're a little too cute." 


The father (playing the son) says, "Sir, if you just see our 
act, we know you would want to represent us." 


The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look." 


The daughter dresses herself in a top hat wearing a sign 
that says "Talent Agent" The dog dresses as the father 
and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing 
act. You should represent us." 


The agent says, "Sorry, | don't represent family acts. 
They're a little too cute." 


The dog (playing the mother) says, "Sir, if you just see 
our act, we know you would want to represent us." 


The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look." 


The mother dresses herself in a top hat wearing a sign 
that says "Talent Agent" The father dresses as the 
daughter and walks up to him and says "We have a 
really amazing act. You should represent us." 


The agent says, "Sorry, | don't represent family acts. 
They're a little too cute." 


The mother (playing the father) says, "Sir, if you just see 
our act, we know you would want to represent us." 


The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look." 


The dog dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign that 

says "Talent Agent" The son dresses as the mother and 

walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing act. 
You should represent us." 


The agent says, "Sorry, | don't represent family acts. 
They're a little too cute." 


ended the experiment, and both were later disciplined when it was 
found that SCP-400-ARC had begun ringing at the same time the 
connection was established. 


« SCP-518 | SCP-519 | SCP-520 » 


The father (playing the mother) says, "Sir, if you just see 
our act, we know you would want to represent us." 


The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look." 


The son dresses herself in a top hat wearing a sign that 
says "Talent Agent" The father dresses as the son and 
walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing act. 
You should represent us." 


The agent says, "Sorry, | don't represent family acts. 
They're a little too cute."6 


The dog (playing the daughter) says, "Sir, if you just see 
our act, we know you would want to represent us." 


The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look." 


The dog dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign that 
says "Talent Agent" The dog dresses as the son and 
walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing act. 
You should represent us." 


The agent says, "Sorry, | don't represent family acts. 
They're a little too cute." 


The dog (playing the dog) says, "Sir, if you just see our 
act, we know you would want to represent us." 


The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look." 


The Talent Agent dresses himself in a top hat wearing a 
sign that says "Family" The father dresses as the father 
dressing as the son and walks up to him and says "We 
have a really amazing act. You should represent us." 


The agent says, "Sorry, | don't represent family acts. 
They're a little too cute." 


The agent (playing himself ) says, "Sir, if you just see our 
act, we know you would want to represent us." 


The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look." 


Researcher Talloran dresses himself in a top hat wearing 
a sign that says "Talent Agent" SCP-3999 dresses as the 
father and walks up to him and says "[SYSTEM ERROR: 
DATA CORRUPTED. PLEASE SEE A NETWORK 
ADMINISTRATOR FOR MORE DETAILS)" 


The agent mumbles incoherently. 


SCP-3999 (playing the mother) says, "[SYSTEM 
ERROR: DATA CORRUPTED. PLEASE SEE A 
NETWORK ADMINISTRATOR FOR MORE DETAILS)" 


The agent spits out a weak sigh, "Order is to be 
discarded like a humanoid melting like clams on the 
breakfast table. Order is the way of villians. True good is 
the formless void, melting and writhing and corrupting. 
You happy yet?" 


SCP-3999 is to be contained using a melon 


SCP-3999 is to be contained in the grave of American crime novelist 
Robert B. Parker 


SCP-3999 is to be consumed by Dunkleowolves. 


SCP-3999 is to be contained in a roach motel with a life size 
duplicate of Raquel Welch. Four members of the O5 council are to 
supervise containment at all times and also 


Researcher Talloran cannot be contained by this. 
Researcher Talloran will fight his way back. 
Researcher Talloran will recontain SCP-3999. 


Once a month, SCP-3999 is to infect Researcher Talloran with 
tapeworms. Between 50,000 and 60,000 tapeworm eggs are to be 
injected into Researcher Talloran's bladder by members of MTF 
Lambda-14. 


Once a year, SCP-3999 is to be designated Godhead Immortal and 
Supreme 


Once a year, SCP-3999 is to be designated a Level 5 member of 
staff, and is to be ritually slaughtered in a manner consistent with 
rural Hungarian traditions and sales of novels about Egyptology, as 
determined by the Department of Meta-Analysis. 


Researcher Talloran does not appreciate the moniker of "3D Printer" 


SCP-3999 is to be spoonfed cornflakes by Researcher Talloran 
under the direct supervision of a 2m x 2m cube constructed of 
telekill alloy 


All staff are to consider Researcher Talloran a product of 
Prometheus Labs, and are to regularly execute him twice a month 
with a Glock 43 9mm handgun. They are then to flay his father alive 


in front of his mother, and then burn the house down. Then salt the 
earth until nothing remains 


NOTICE FROM THE 
FOUNDATION RECORDS 
AND INFORMATION 
SECURITY 
ADMINISTRATION 


Researcher Talloran is an insolent pencil. He is to be 
shunned by all yarn until the Eleven Day Empire eats the 
sky. Fuck him. In the ass. 


SCP-3999 is to be contained in the grave of 05-23 


All personnel who work with SCP-3999 are to be reminded that it is 
a fictional entity written by a biologically male human, in his late 


teens, of Jewish and Irish descent, on his spring break, for a 
community of loser horror writers who have stolen far too much of 
his time away and fight like children over left wing politics in the 
chatroom and also’ 


SCP-3999 is to be contained with love and understanding 


Researcher Talloran is to have a hose, attached to a tank of water, 
inserted into his rectum. Water is to flow into his body until inflation 
is observed by personnel, and his body achieves a spherical shape. 


SCP-3999 is to be contained as the containment procedure for 
SCP-2000 


Under Protocol Morpheus, SCP-3999 is to be delivered to the Greek 
Ambassador to the United States as a gift from the SCP Foundation. 
They are then to dose him with Class D amnestics and 


Researcher Talloran is to contain SCP-3999 by dying repeatedly. 
Researcher Talloran is not to poke SCP-3999 again. 
Researcher Talloran is to leave well alone. 


SCP-3999 cannot be contained at the present moment, and 
currently poses a ZK Class End-of-reality scenario. The most 
advisable course of action is for Researcher Talloran, believed to be 
the focal point of SCP-3999, to remove himself from contact with all 
Foundation sites and personnel to avoid further collateral damage to 
Foundation property. It is theorized that if Researcher Talloran is 
contained in an extremely secluded area, then the destructive 
capabilities of SCP-3999 will temporarily walk the dinosaur 


Description: 

SCP-3999 is everything that was wrong with the world 
SCP-3999 is lolcats 

SCP-3999 is you, reading this 


SCP-3999 is current Vice President of the United States Mike Pence 


SCP-3999 is food 

SCP-3999 is several moldy blankets 
SCP-3999 is Researcher Talloran's soul 
SCP-3999 is the Gol referred to as Nobody 
SCP-3999 is The concept of the Grinch 
SCP-3999 is SCP-055 

SCP-3999 is a murderous penguin 
SCP-3999 is not a quadrilateral 
SCP-3999 is M.S. Subbalakshmi 
SCP-3999 is body image disorder 
SCP-3999 is your missing sock 
SCP-3999 is the SCP-3000 contest 
SCP-3999 is lice 

SCP-3999 is anything moving quickly 


SCP-3999 is cliche lists that look like they were written by a crazy 
person 


SCP-3999 is self-loathing 

SCP-3999 is Gary Gygax's kidney 
SCP-3999 is 

SCP-3999 is Nintendo 

SCP-3999 is the last moment of the sun 


SCP-3999 is The Administrator of the SCP Foundation 


SCP-3999 is a pillow 
SCP-3999 is Max Landis, a screenwriter and sexual predator 
SCP-3999 is free jazz 


SCP-3999 is Every word spoken by AM in Harlan Ellison's | Have 
No Mouth and | Must Scream 


SCP-3999 is papaya and mango salad 

SCP-3999 is death 

SCP-3999 is every bee that has ever existed 

SCP-3999 is forgetting a loved one 

SCP-3999 is poinsettias 

SCP-3999 is breast reduction surgery 

SCP-3999 is the 1922 documentary Nanook of the North 
SCP-3999 is a fool 

SCP-3999 is Brutalist architecture 

SCP-3999 is a bookshelf filled with stories 


SCP-3999 is all of the above. At once. Forever. At all times, In your 
dreams. 


This can be the only conclusive fact. 
So stop asking. 

SCP-3999 

SCP-3999 

SCP-3999 


Special Containment Procedures: 


SCP-3999 is to be contained at El Silencio Lodge and Spa, Bajos 
del Toro, Costa Rica 


Researcher Talloran is to be given primary control of SCP-3999 


SCP-3999 had been contained via the use of outsourced 
containment resources and consultants who have been authorized 
for the containment of SCP-2845. Consultants are to be considered 
Level 2 personnel, and are at no time permitted to leave Site-100. If 
at any time an outside consultant must be removed from 
containment of SCP-2845 or SCP-3999, Class-A amnestics are to 
be applied before release. 


A minimum of thirty trained individuals and an unhindered supply of 
untrained subjects is required for proper containment of SCP-2845 
and SCP-3999. Forty-eight trained personnel, all of whom are to be 
Researcher Talloran, are currently assigned to active containment of 
SCP-2845 and SCP-3999, split into eight teams of six, with a further 
twenty-four individuals available as replacements. An allowance of 
five D-class per week has been authorized for the containment of 
SCP-2845 and SCP-3999. 


Site-100 has been constructed to the following specifications: 


Site-100 consists of nine concentric circular bands, designated Ring- 
A through Ring-I, with a gap located between Ring-C and Ring-D, 
designated as Gap-1. Six circular chambers are located at 0, 60, 
120, 180, 240, and 300 degrees within each Ring and Gap. The 
chambers located at 0 degrees are aligned with geographic north 
and the current location of Researcher Talloran's college 
roommate's pet. 


Researcher Talloran's college roommate's pet is to be ritually 
sacrificed at a random location within Grand Teton National Park. 
The corpse's brains are then to be dashed against a rock and 
consumed with a hot buttery bowl of Popcorn and a refreshing 
Coca-Cola®. Please enjoy the show. Only at AMC Theatres. Only at 
SCP-3999. Only at Applebees. Only at Walmart. Only at Barnes & 
Noble. Only at Home Depot. Only at McDonalds. Only at Wawa. 
Only at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute. Only at your 
basement. Only at behind you. Only at Only. Only Only Only Only