Clauduck had an extensive maternal instinct, and Drakeman loved 
his wife, so they kept their upper lip stiff and raised the strange 
drakie as they would their own, since, you know, he was their own: 
they'd asked for the video of the Caesarean section and the ob-gyn 
obliged, and lo’, here it was, the fifth newborn extracted from its 
mother's belly, already subtly different and ear-splittingly 
cacophonous. 


In the evenings, when all the babies were tucked away in their 
cradles and Caesar V finally quit making that ducking god(I did say 
very few, damn you, stop interrupting!)awful noise of his - on top of 
everything else he was a difficult child, severely allergic to his 
mother's milk and always developing bottom rashes like you 
wouldn't believe - Clauduck and Drakeman would hopefully discuss 
the hopeless situation. Only when Drakeman had had a trying day at 
the office? did he occasionally accuse his wife of cheating on him 
with the postman, which only gave him another trying day at work 
with colleagues going 'What's the matter, Drake, bumped into a door 
again?'. Clauduck and Drakeman would talk about the future of their 
offspring, or lack thereof, and sometimes ventured into mentioning 
that hopeful fairy tale, but they did agree that fairy tales were cryptic 
allegories meant to educate the masses and nowhere like a mirror of 
real life. 


And Clauduck prayed. She prayed discreetly, but she prayed a lot. 
And then it happened. 

Caesar V's bar-mitzvah. 

Was there milk in the cake? 

Just because, you know, rite of passage into adulthood? 


Miffed because his previous siblings' coming-of-age celebrations 


SCP-832: Accountant's Coin 


Item #: SCP-832 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-832 is to be contained in 
an electronically locked safe that is 0.25 m x 0.25 m x 0.25 m in 
size. The safe is to be placed in a room that is monitored by CCTV 
at all times. Level 3 clearance or higher is required to access the 
safe, and all activity is logged. Any personnel handling SCP-832 
must either do so remotely or wear gloves to avoid direct contact if 
they are not actively experimenting with it, and any loose change on 
their person will be confiscated prior to entering containment. If 
SCP-832 breaches containment in any way, any personnel found 
handling US half dollars in Site 19 will be referred to security and 
held there until it can be determined that he/she is not handling 
SCP-832. Due to this, personnel are discouraged from using US half 
dollars in their transactions at Site 19. 


Description: SCP-832 appears to be a US half dollar minted in 
1966. Closer analysis has revealed that it is composed of an alloy 
consistent with half dollars minted at the time. When a subject 
comes into direct physical contact with SCP-832, the subject gains 
the ability to recite exactly how much money they have at any given 
time, even if asked for the amount in a form that they are not storing 
it in. Subjects so far have demonstrated the ability to calculate their 
wealth in: 


¢ Foreign currencies (even if the subject has no prior knowledge 
handling them) 

¢ The value of purchased items 

* Stock value for any given company 

¢ The weight of any substance, natural or artificial 


The subject also becomes more careful with their assets, attempting 
to reduce their expenses and maximize their income wherever 


were too successful? 


Apprehensive because his next siblings' coming-of-age 
celebrations+ would be? 


Anyway. Caesar V cut the cake with a huge knife, giggled and 
roared. 


The Moon zipped away, stabilizing 2 AU from Earth. 
Justin Bieber stopped singing. Yeah, forever. It's an ill wind, huh? 


Eta Carinae (not the author, the star) decided to wait no longer and 
blew. 


Anak Krakatoa decided to do like Daddy. 


The Northern Pacific Gyre thought it could do much better than The 
Old Faithful. It did. 


The Pillars of Hercules got drunk, leaned on each other and 
collapsed. So much for beaches in Provence in the long term, ha ha, 
that'll teach them to raise the prices of everything at the start of 
every touristic season, assholes! And next time there is a Zanclean 
flood, I'll be there with a camera, dammit, YouTube, here | come! 


Caesar V was momentarily nonplussed at seeing everyone around 
him dead with bleeding ears, but took it in stride. He carefully put 
down the knife (you should always be careful with those things), 
straightened up, grew to a size slightly inferior to that of the Mont 
Blanc, bumped his head on the goddamn ceiling and settled for the 
size of Dolph Lundgren in his prime. While he was at it, he also 
settled for Dolph's looks at the same age - a wise choice. 


Then he realized he was hungry but not in the mood for cake, so 
white shark - oh shit no, no sea. Okay. T-rex. 


He remained a T-rex for a while, but when there was no longer 
anything to eat in the vicinity (those motherfuckers eat a /ot), he 
thought about it. Plus, T-Rex extinct, so no mating: tough. He tried a 
few other glorious, powerful shapes for shits 'n giggles - that kept 
him busy, which was good, because boredom. But female Siberian 


tigers were quite far away, female white sharks were still in the 
goddamn sea and he'd always been afraid of waves and anyway 
without the moon at the proper place seas and oceans were ina 
mess, and as an African elephant he kept being hunted for his tusks 
by rare but extremely determined and well-equipped survivors, 
something he found mighty irritating. He was also a very beautiful 
and delicately scented Papa Meilland red rose for a while, but just 
sitting there and looking pretty, the boredom was excruciating. 


Then, as a black panther (still no mate but aesthetically pleasing), 
he happened upon a duck pond. With ducks. 

Why not, he thought. 

Plenty of food. Plenty of mates. Plenty of ponds. Plenty of shapes to 
shift into if drakes got into a competitive mood. 


Just to frighten his rivals away, you understand. Because, for all 
being a shapeshifting living nightmare, he was not and had never 
been a cannibal. 

And, he solemnly swore on the spot before shifting®, he would never 
be. 


Footnotes 

1. Clement Faugier's vanilla-flavoured chestnut cream 
2.http://www.scp-wiki.net/dr-bright-s-personnel-file 

3. The parents were always careful to avoid sibling rivalry. They 
were nice that way. Caesar VI's is in two weeks, and Caesar VII's 
middle of next month. You're all invited. 

4. See previous footnote 

5. The mountain, not the pens 

6. Don't you know? APanthera pardus' oath is universally 
considered as much more reliable than anAix galericulata's. 


Duke ‘till Dawn 


Foreword by 05-2: On - -__, an investigation was launched into 
the continued viability of SCP-083. Several factors were taken into 
account, such as the relative danger involved in sustained 
containment and cost-benefit of the costly procurement of virgin 
blood on a regular basis. In conclusion, a unanimous decision to 
terminate SCP-083 was made amongst the O5, and handed down to 
Site 19 administrators. After researching the difficulties involved in 
terminating a regenerating, superhuman, and potential Keter object, 
the termination was set in motion. The man chosen for the task was 
an old standby, a man of great experience and expertise in the 
elimination of humanoid SCP objects of great destructive potential. 
Known for his clean, almost surgical method, he was quickly 
approved to carry out the termination. 


Unfortunately, he was not available. 


Despite urging from peers and subordinates, Dr. Kondraki was 
chosen to perform the termination. After giving himself the proper 
clearance and approval to do so through a loophole he had found in 
relevant regulations, O5 grudgingly accepted his self-appointment. 
O5-8* assuaged the boara’s fears with Dr. Kondraki’s impressive 
credentials, and claimed that given such an important responsibility, 
he might finally take his position seriously. 


*It should be noted here that O5-8 was a new appointment, and had not been 
present for the previous disciplinary actions involving the senior doctor. 


Included below are the relevant logs and documentation concerning 
the “Duke” termination. 


Note: For information involving the collateral damages sustained 
during the termination, See Document 083-D-Kk. - 05-2 


Containment Log 083-DK - -- 


Dr. Kondraki enters SCP-083’s containment, carries a 
folding table and two chairs with him. Proceeds to set up 
all three, as originally planned, taking a seat on one end. 


Dr. Kondraki: Well, isn’t this a nice little 
accommodation. They treat you well, Duke, real well for 
something out of a Bram Stoker novel. 


SCP-083 takes the seat across from him. 


SCP-083: Well, | must be doing something right doctor... 
you know, come to think of it | don’t think I’ve seen you 
around Site 19. 


Dr. Kondraki: Good, you shouldn't have. Now, let’s get 
on with this interview already, I’ve got better things to do 
than chat with a bloodsucker. 


SCP-083: //aughs] I’m not calling you on your diet, am |? 
Besides, | asked for the interview, and as you know | do 
get what | want. 


Dr. Kondraki: Sure, sure. Although | remember that you 
requested a woman, hope you're not too disappointed, 
Count. [Dr. Kondraki proceeds to light a cigarette, and 
produces a container of a specially treated fluid. In the 
pre-termination report, Dr. Kondraki did not specify the 
contents for security reasons. ] 


SCP-083: | can’t say I’m pleased to accept a brutish 
specimen of humanity such as yourself, over a lovely 
morsel of femininity. Don’t worry, I'll just have to make it 
up with Ms. once we’re finished here. 


Dr. Kondraki proceeds to unscrew the top from the 
container, and sets it to the side. SCP-083 appears to 
recoil from the smell. 


Agent Infred stepped forward to frisk Doctor Kondraki. 
He swiftly liberated a hand gun from Kondraki's person. 


Agent Infred: Sorry sir, this isn't authorized. 


Dr. Kondraki: Right, whatever. So, why don’t you tell me 
about yourself, Drac? Are you the mythical force of 
darkness that plagues the psyche of humanity, or are 
you just a spoiled manchild playing vampire? 


SCP-083: [Looks a bit annoyed] | don’t think | like your 
attitude doctor. Or your lack of respect. 


Dr. Kondraki: [Blows smoke in SCP-083’s direction] 
Funny, | don’t recall giving a shit. 


Dr. Kondraki proceeds to grab the container, and splash 
the liquid onto SCP-083, far before containment teams 
and backup agents could get into position. 


SCP-083: What...the fuck did you splash me with? 


Dr. Kondraki: Cat urine and garlic juice, batboy, with a 
bit of silver nitrate. 


Dr. Kondraki flips the collaspable table up into SCP-083, 
and grabs a firearm from under the table, muttering 
about ‘Always keeping a backup’. He discharges his 
handgun seven times into SCP-083’s chest and neck, 
before producing a wooden stake from his lab coat. The 
bullets were confirmed to be comprised of a silver alloy. 
None of these actions had been planned or approved. 


Dr. Kondraki: Cross that off the list of things I’ve always 
wanted to do. 


Post-Incident Interview DK-083 
Interviewer: Dr. 
Interviewee: Dr. Kondraki 


Dr. : At what point did you conclude that SCP-083 
might be vulnerable to the same weaknesses of a 
stereotypical vampire, despite no previous evidence? 


Dr. Kondraki: Honestly, | was guessing. | figured, either 
it worked and | got done early enough to catch some 
lunch, or I’d have to think fast before he killed me. 


Dr. : Think fast? That’s it? 


Dr. Kondraki: Yeah. | couldn’t think of anything else, so 
| decided to play it by ear. 


Dr. : You’re saying you made it up as you went along? 
Isn’t that grossly irresponsible, considering SCP-083’s 
capabilities? 


Dr. Kondraki: He’s dead, ain’t he? | don’t have to 
explain myself if | get the job done. 


Dr. _: Alright, fair enough, but | have to wonder about 
one more thing. 


Dr. Kondraki: Shoot. 

Dr. : Why cat urine? 

Dr. Kondraki: Well, if | was wrong and it didn’t work, 
he’d still be the one covered in cat piss. Didn't think he'd 


take offense like he did, though. 


EXCERPT FROM POST-INCIDENT INTERVIEW 
083-963-21 


Interviewer: And, after reviewing the logs, do you think 
Kondraki acted recklessly? 


Bright: (Silence) 

Interviewer: Dr. Bright? 

Bright: This... This tape is un-doctored? 

Interviewer: That is correct Dr. Bright. 

Bright: (Dr. Bright shows signs of agitation, swearing in 


several different languages, and throwing equipment 
about the room.) 


Interviewer: Dr. Bright! What's the matter? 


Bright: Not only did | bet that asshole five grand that he 
wouldn't be able to throw cat piss at 083, but he didn't 
even have the good grace to die during the termination! 
Do you realize how much I'm going to lose from paying 
out on that? God damn! 


At this point in the logs, we are unsure how Dr. Kondraki survived 
the following moments after the failed termination, due to the 
destruction of all surveillance equipment beforehand. Security 
cameras outside of SCP-083’s containment showed Dr. Kondraki 
and SCP-083 exiting the containment approximately half an hour 
later. Forensic examination of the damages incurred within the 
containment are underway. Regardless, a red alert was issued, and 
security teams were dispatched to contain SCP-083 and get Dr. 
Kondraki to safety, including Mobile Strike Force Rho-2 
“Hawthorne’s Heroes”. As hindsight shows, it would have been more 
economical to have just shot Dr. Kondraki. - O5-2 


EXCERPT FROM POST-INCIDENT INTERVIEW 083- 
KPC-13 


Professor Kain Pathos Crow: It really was a pity about 
ol' eighty-three... | had a couple of things | wanted to do 
with him. Like stick him in nine-one-four on various 
settings and see what happened. Or see how exactly 
how he regenerated from decapitation. Or how he 
reacted to two-one-seven. Or if he'd be a good organ 
donor. Or if he was- 


Interviewer: Uh... sir could you please just answer the 
question? 


Professor Kain Pathos Crow: Hm? Oh yes, well Dr. 
Kondraki seems to get by in these sort of situations. A 
master of pulling it out of his ass, so to speak. 


Interviewer: So would you label him as reckless then? 


Professor Kain Pathos Crow: Yes. Without a doubt. 
Interviewer: Uh-huh, so he's a potential liability. 


Professor Kain Pathos Crow: Oh, | never said that. 
Granted, he's about as inaccurate as a faulty hand 
grenade or something of that ilk, the only safe place to 
be around him is probably inside him or something. But 
he gets things done, at the expense of everyone and 
everything around him not sturdy enough to withstand 
the blast. 


Interviewer: ... 


Professor Kain Pathos Crow: What? He does. 
Security Log C-083-K 


Dr. Kondraki exits down hallway R-14 while SCP-083 
pursues. Severe damage caused due to blindness 
inflicted by Dr. Kondraki’s camera (See: scp-515- 
arc), which caused considerable thrashing until 
regeneration could set in. 


SCP-083 recovers, and pursues Dr. Kondraki further into 
the central containment areas. 


Dr. Kondraki, with a small lead, is able to enter non- 
sentient object containment and makes his way past two 
armed guards by flashing his ID. 


SCP-083 enters non-sentient containment, kills and 
drains several nearby researchers. Searches for Dr. 
Kondraki within the area, resulting in further casualties. 


Dr. Kondraki accesses a safe within containment, 
removes a circular object and retreats from containment 
back into Hallway R-17. 


SCP-083 continues to pursue, and appears to take 
chase. Moments later, a flash of light is seen by a 


camera down the hall, and a bright, disc-like object 
impacts SCP-083. SCP-083 loses his leg, and falters.