She thought for a moment, massaged her temple with her forefinger, 
then began waving her arms around lazily in a circle. “Uhh... Salina, 
Kansas your lord demands this.” She cringed as the portal exploded 
open in a burst of purple light. 


“Alright lets go ahead and fuck this duck,” she announced to no one 
in particular as she disappeared into the portal. 


The helicopter continued falling into the infinite void. Tatty squinted 
through her glasses, analyzing the scene while gently reclining ina 
floating bubble. She pulled out a single chopstick from her bag and 
pointed it at the helicopter. She paused, looking awry and muttering 
to herself. “What was it... From that book with the wizards... Oh, 


yes. ‘Wing Guardian Leviticus’,” she croaked, and the helicopter 
began to float. 


Kondraki continued screaming shortly after the helicopter stopped 
falling. 


Getsha grabbed Kondraki’s hat. “Wooooooo! What a blast!” 


Kain crawled out from under a pile of corpses and tilted his head at 


her. “I am curious as to what exactly is wrong with you, Gersha. 
Who raised you?” 


Gersha laughed and leaned out of the window. “TV. Bobbles said 
he’s my dad. Or... No. Spider monster. Where’s Mr. Clef?” 


Kain scampered up and poked over the window. “Still falling, | 
presume.” 


Suddenly, a loud thud sounded on the roof of the helicopter, 
Kondraki screamed. 


Kain barked excitedly. “A continuum! How interesting! ‘Clef’ is it? Is 
that you?” 


Clef righted himself and surveyed his surroundings “Why don’t we 
have field agents doing this kind of shit? | went to fucking college. 
That means | have a doctorate or something. I’ve written papers. | 
should be in the office listening to Gears talk about chmess.” 


Gersha pointed at a slowly approaching bubble in the distance. 
“Whats that?” 


Clef reached for his gun, then realized it wasn’t there. “Don’t know. 
Off top, gonna say it’s bad, seems to be theme.” 


Gersha smiled. “Old lady!” 


Tatty and Clef locked eyes as she closed the distance. Tatty’s 
expression was that of shock, then shifting into a cruel smile. She 
pointed her chopstick at him. 


“Alto, you've... Aged well.” 


Allen skittered down EL highway, which was technically somewhere 
in Gersha's frontal lobe. The city was absolutely awful, a never 
ending parade of atrocities ran through main street, passing through 
Murder Square, Burglary Village, Cannabalism Court, and Copyright 
Infringement Plaza. The world was populated mostly by food, and 
strange buzzing dragonflies with circular mouths. Somehow people 


didn’t seem to mind. 


Allen noticed a clown on all of the billboards that seemed to be 
making eye contact with him. 


“Screeee! Eeeeeee!” Allen hissed at the passing dream forms. An 
Avocado looked at him with consternation. 


Not my day! Not a good day! | need to talk to whoever is in charge! 
That's it. }can... Uh. That girl. Whats her name again? I’m in her 
head, so... Could | at least look out of her eyes? Maybe | could take 
over the brain? Eh, that’s kind of messed up in a way isn’t it? Man, 
jeez | just wanted some wifi. 


Allen hissed at the Avocado, causing her to flinch. Where is the 
brain president? 


The Avocado rolled on its side. “Asshole.” 
Allen scratched his head. How do | get there? 
« Old Kansas Sector: Part 12 


Old Kansas Sector: Part 14 » 


| Hub | 


Old Kansas Sector ~ 14: Bobble the President 


The Last Era: 14, August, 2119 AD 
Gersha's Frontal Lobe, EL, Murder Town, Kansas, USA 
3 AM, but Evil 


Bobble cleared his throat and licked his lips, then placed a needle 
gingerly on a phonograph. “Please stand for the Gershan anthem.” 


The intro to Bobble the Clown, Season 1 broadcast itself into every 
person and thoughtform’s view screen in Murder Town. The jingle 
blared over the intercoms in Killdie Square. 


Bobble the Clown- 

Fun to be around! 

Bobble the Clown- 
Comin’ to town! 

Bobble the Clown, 

Really funny guy! 

Bobble the Clown? 

Get rid of that frown! 
What! Bobble the Clown? 
Wow? Bobble the Clown! 


Allen turned to face the entity on one of the many video billboards 
perched about the city. Bobble walked off camera, his two 

dimensional form wobbling like a sidewinder. Bobble appeared on 
another screen. Within the screen was a crane machine with a live 


samoyed puppy inside. On the bottom right of the screen there was 
a watermark that read "C-SPAN3" n bright red and yellow caliope 
font. 


“Happy Tuesday, fellows," he said, delicately pressing the button on 
the machine, causing two robotic arms with laser guns to manifest 
within, each shooting in unison, disintegrating the puppy before 
quickly disappearing. Bobble crossed his arms and scratched his 
chin. He pulled a chart out of his pocket and studied it for a moment. 


“Hmmm... It looks like we are... NOT,” Bobble pounded on the view 
screen, “BUILDING THE NEW TRANSIT SYSTEM!!” 


Gunshots and cheers rang out through the city. A Cauliflower Bisque 
next to Allen seemed to groan. 


Allen flinched. Holy shit. But it’s Thursday! How long have | been 
here? 


“Burn in hell you miserable bastards, burn, forever! | hate you! Its 
not a joke! | wish your death! Die!” Bobble screamed, wobbling 
quickly off screen. The city rioted with applause. 


Allen chirped and ran in circles. /’ve got to find that Clown! He must 
be in charge! 


Clef slapped himself in the leg. “239, well, shit, fuck me sideways is 
that you? Hell its been so long, how have you been since the Site-19 
was shut down? Wow, you're older than hell! You’d think... You 
doing good? Learned any new spells? 


Tatty’s eye twitched. “Tatty, not 239, you damned sociopath. You 
absolute monster.” 


Clef tried to gauge his distance between himself and the bubble. 


She still thinks she’s a witch. | can probably manage to get her neck 
by the neck. I've got a pen too... Clef thought. 


Gersha squealed. “You're like the Crunch lady! You squished 


Kansas together! Wow, you’re my hero!” 


Tatty allowed her a smile, recognizing Gershas description. “Hon, 
thanks." 


Keep talking. 
".,. But | need to deal with your friends first, if you’d please.” 


“Woah woah woah,” Kondraki sputtered, hanging out of the 
helicopter with his hat in hand. “What'd | do to you? I’m just some 
guy, man! What’s your problem?” 


Gersha interjected. “Ummm, these aren’t my friends.” 
“What?” said Kondraki. 


Tatty turned her head. “Then why are you travelling with them, 
dear?” 


“They "abducted" me.” Said Gersha, matter of factly. 
“Absolutely absurd!” Kain furrowed his brow. 


Gersha strained to think. “Hmm, puppy, not the right word. They 
shot the first kidnapper, then the big one said something about a 
‘Foundation’ program for me, then they put me in a helicopter. Then 
he kinda warmed up to me talking about something, about, umm, 
repopulation, study? Gosh | could be wrong! | do live in a basement. 
This is he first time Ive seen real life people, like moving around 
still." 


Tatty rubbed her temple. “Woof. Gersha, you didn’t even need to 
speak, | assumed it was worse.” 


Kain barked excitedly. “That is... Just ridiculous. Out of context. We 
are actively preserving humanity. We are working for the greater 
good. Kondraki spoke out of turn." 


Tatty rolled her eyes. “The Foundation created its own status quo, 
oof. They even decided just how they would fail if | recall correctly. 
Your preservation /s perversion. |... | really don’t want to discuss 


what being human, being normal means with a talking dog. Cuffs 
are off.” Tatty threw the makeshift wand over her shoulder and the 
bubble disappeared. She began floating through the void toward 
Clef. 


“Why did you,” 


Clef's mouth disappeared. Kondraki and Kain vanished. The purple 
sky and twisting concrete spires of Old Kansas began to fade in 
arround them. They were back in Salinas again. 


“| don’t feel like playing fair.” 


| demand entrance! Allen hissed at Bobbles secretary. 


Boss Butternut the Foul, a 1LB butternut squash in the late stages of 
decay, said nothing. Butternut sat with utter indifference at his desk, 
rotting, feeding flies, as was custom. 


What? Am | not important enough for you? You know how close | 
am to just going OFF? I'll fucking kill you. I'll kill every piece of shit 
monster in the god damned city. Do you really want to fuck with me? 
Do | look hinged to you? I’m not, I’m unhinged!” 


Bobble looked at the scene on his security camera. A roach had 
gotten in, somehow. 


Allen began nibbling on the squash. / don’t give a fuck! Ha ha ha! 


The door to Bobble’s office flung open, Bobble stomped toward 
Allen in his oversized clown shoes, honking toward him menacingly 
with a flyswatter in hand. 


Allen hissed and flew into Bobbles face. 


Bobble screamed and stumbled backwards. “Christ, its one of the 
flying ones! Butternut help!” 


Butternut looked on helplessly. Bobble collided with a shelf of 
porcelain vases, slipped on Banana Peel, and landed face first in a 


conspicuously placed Banana Cream Pie. 
“You people are useless!” 

Allen skittered along Bobbles face. 

“What are your demands, roach!" 

Allan hissed. 


“English! Please, it’s the law!” Bobble pulled a bottle of seltzer from 
his pocket and cleaned his face with an endless rag from the 
opposite pocket. 


Allan hissed. 


Bobble removed his shoe and drank from it. “Listen, I’m a 
reasonable guy, | understand, you know,” He whispered. “The 
anger. Being angry. Christ, I've been angry for centuries. I've been 
angry since the Silent Age. Since lve been put to paper. Since | was 
30FPS. Since magic ink. But you know what? Roach? You cant let it 
take over. You cant become the anger. That’s not you, that’s just a 
feeling. You're more than a feelin’. Know what you are otherwise? 
An animal. A beast. One of the non sentient ones that it's okay to 
eat." 


Allen tilted his antennae. Get a load of this hypocrite. 


Bobble leaned back on his elbow, absently pulling an electrified stick 
of gum out of his pocket. “I know what you’re thinking: ‘Get a load of 
this hypocrite.’ But me, I’m not angry. I’m mad.” Bobble began 

sobbing, loudly, blowing his nose. “I have trouble with my emotions.” 


Damn, dude. That sucks. 


Bobble began chuckling. "But I'm in a good mood today. | can nullify 
your bond with Envelope Logistics. Hell it's fine if you dont want to 
talk, | know what it's like being a roach, lve been a roach my whole 
life. A mad roach, a dad roach. | am actually a part roach..." 


| want to die. 


« Old Kansas Sector: Part 13 


Old Kansas Sector: Part 15» 


| Hub | 


How Tightly The Coils Squeeze 


September 18th, 2160 - Within the Wanderer's Library 


The night-time is late, and very down. No early morning brightness 
peeking from the borders of the moon's domain. Just a permanent, 
thick gray, from which only my nook-light provides relief. | slump in 
my reading chair. The times have made me a very tired man, yet 
these words aren't going to be read by themselves. But the words 
keep swimming off the page... | scoop them back in, fixing the 
jumbled mess of prose until the story once again becomes legible. 


Once upon a time, there was a brave knight named 
Scott. He defended the whole world. The master he 
served was a great king, named Glob. But one night, a 
rabid rat bit him on the nose. Soon the kingdom was in 
peril. Has the king gone mad? Soon, the answer to their 
worried question was relieved, as the king beheaded all 
dissenters. The brave knight Scott was horrified. He was 
not sworn to protect a madman. So one night, Scott 
placed a deadly serpent in Glob's bed.... 


There used to be so many others, like me. Ones who cared about 
keeping the last sane place on earth. Before they were damned, we 
saw ourselves as the last best hope for the mind. Somewhere, in our 
infinite capacity for wisdom, there was a book. The truth was 
somewhere in the great halls, and we just needed to find it. We 
could fix everything, maybe even make it better! But as the outside 
keeps slipping into a dark age, into ignorance and oblivion without 
any silver lining, it became harder and harder to resist, or even to 
care all that much. They couldn't ask for our help. 


Once upon a time, there was a brave knight named Scott. He 
defended the whole world. The a 
great king , named Glob. But one nigh rat 
the kingdom was in peril. Has the 
Soon, the answer to their worried 


D-69601: [I'm happy for you, man. And the big 
guys even say they're going to publish it. They 
have their hands in everything, Dark Gods of 
The Abyss should be on store shelves in no 
time.] 


SCP-696: [| CAN STILL HARDLY BELIEVE IT. 
Ha, what am | doing? | don't need allcaps 
anymore. I've actually done it. Thank you. It 
might be my words they read, but it's thanks to 
you they'll read them in the first place. | cannot 
thank you enough. Stop.] 


D-69601: [So what now? Sequel?] 


SCP-696: [Oh my, no. | am finished, this was 
my magnum opus. Everything I've ever wanted 
to do, everything I've ever wanted to say. I've 
done it, I've said it. You have been a great 
friend, but I'm afraid this is where we part 
ways. Stop.] 


D-69601: [| understand. Goodbye, SCP-666. 
No typo ;) Stop.] 


SCP-696: [:) That suddenly doesn't feel quite 
as important. On to the next adventure, | 
suppose. Into the abyss with me. Goodbye, my 
friend. Full stop.] 


Closing Statement: SCP-696 was determined 
to have ceased all anomalous properties, and 
has been reclassified as Neutralized. After 
testing and psychological analysis, D-69601 
has been determined to not be anomalous or 
under any anomalous effects. When 
questioned why it lied to SCP-696 concerning 
readers’ reactions to SCP-696-1, D-69601 
replied that he "didn't have the heart to tell him 
it sucked." 


question was relieved, as the king beheaded all dissenters, 
The brave knight Scott was horrified. 


serpent in Glob's bed.... 


My vision shakes, even when | close my eyes. | can see it twitching 
through the swiveling lines and endless plaid portals that lurk behind 
my eyelids. I'm sharp. The prose does a backstroke, gracefully 
falling off the page and shattering onto the floor. The world shatters 
with them, tinkling and falling around me like gold from a 
prospector's pan. The spine snaps in my hand, and | hear it cry out 
in relief as the whole goddamn world goes to hell. My clenched eyes 
do nothing to save them. They won't even save me. 


He defended the whole world. The 


a great king , named Glob. But one nigh 
rat 


Has beheaded all dissenters. The . 
serpent in Glob's bed.... 


The shattered tome slips from my fingers, and words fail. The 
broken ground trembles, and | can hear the compendium of all 
human knowledge spilling out of their collections of spines and 
covers. The pages all around me ruffle and collapse. My own eyes 
slip past my clenched lids, spiraling down onto this sea of babble. 
Through the cracks in the fourth wall, it all swirls around my sight, 
filling me in with all information disorganized and nonsensical. | can 
see everything, but | know nothing. Just as | slide down, the library 
does too. | can see, for it refuses to be ignored even as the last 
thoughts are snuffed. It demands respect, even as it kneels before 


death. The gateways stretch and snap like shattering violin strings. 
With a sick crescendo, we shed the last worlds, and plunge boldly 

into darkness. The wanderers have settled into the grave. We are 

done. 


The rat Has beheaded The serpent 
| Hub | 


Nonpareil 


Her metamorphosis took place at the dinner table. 

She abruptly crumpled up, compressing herself into a fat, rounded 
form 

before a light red layer of veins covered her, themselves 

being covered by a gorgeous iridescent scaly layer. 

| picked up the emerald egg and gave it a quick peck, 

to reassure her that | was still there.