After failing to neutralize SCP-723-D yet again, Agent Lament and 
Agent Dodridge proceeded to the on-site bar, where they demanded 
to be served. After accosting seven other patrons, | removed them 
from the premises and followed them to Agent Dodridge's room, 
where they left after several minutes, carrying what appeared to be 
a box of cigars and a duffel bag containing bottles of alcohol. Due to 
their inebriation, | escorted them back to the testing facility. 


Date: 2011/06/10 

Time: 17:58:00 CST 

Test Materials: 1x Tippman X7 Paintball Marker, 200x 
Marballizer Paintballs (50x ea blue, orange, white, red) 
Test Subjects: SCP-723-D 

Observer: Agent Dodridge, Agent Lament (alternating) 


Log of Events: I'm letting Lament go first, on account of 
the poor guy don't look like he gets to shoot stuff that 
often. It sorta shows. Damn. This guy can't shoot for shit. 
He's Halfway through a hopper with MAYBE half the 
balls on target. My turn. Barney, the security guy, doesn't 
know it, but he's getting shot, too, for saying this is 
stupid. HE'S stupid. 


Log of Events: Oh. Oh that shit head thinks he's funny, 
huh? Well how funny is it now that we're both using the 
same paper! | can read what you wrote, shit head! Read 
this in your notes: go fuck yourself. Oh... and... he’s 


shooting the guy. Guy looks like he's covered in paint. 
Whatever. 


Security Officer Bernard later entered the site medical wing at 
18:28 CST, complaining of genital pain and holding himself. His 
crotch was observed to be coated in red paint. 


Date: 2011/06/10 

Time: 19:29:00 CST 

Test Materials: 1x 1000 mL bottle of Red Stag (empty), 
18x 750 mL bottles of Keter-Class lager (empty) 

Test Subjects: SCP-723-D 

Observer: Agent Dodridge 


Log of Events: Ha! We only missed with ONE bottle, and 
Lament took it and smacked him in the nuts with it. He 
passed out after that, but | think | have another idea. 
They've got a concrete mixer parked outside to fix the 
chamber, so I'm gonna try to put 723-D back in a block 
like the one they had him in before. If | can concrete him, 
| might be able to just drown him. In water. Not concrete. 


An estimated seven attempts took place between 19:29:00 CST and 
the final test, none of which have records. Over fourteen SCPs were 
utilized, all without permission. SCP- and SCP- are still reported 
missing, while SCP- has been found in orbit. Further investigation 
is Ongoing. 


Date: 2011/06/10 

Time: | have no idea. The clock is melted, my phone's 
missing, and Dodridge can't find his watch. 

Test Materials: Cement Mixer 

Test Subjects: SCP-723-D 

Observer: Agent Lament 


Log of Events: When | woke up, cement was 
everywhere, and Dodridge was trying to shovel it into a 


pile where the the new wall was supposed to go, and 
723-D was walking around, covered in the stuff. 
Dodridge said something about drowning him, but he 
can't be serious. There's nowhere NEAR enough 
concrete to drown him in. 


The following record is an attempt to reconstruct the events of the 
remainder of 2011/06/10 and 2011/06/11, the complete record of 
which is still absent. Both Agents claim to have no memory of the 
events, though this is under review. 


Upon ingestion of two fifths of Jack Daniels whiskey, Agent Lament 
and Agent Dodridge entered the containment chamber of SCP-723- 
D and did willfully throw no fewer than eighteen empty bottles of 
various makes and models at SCP-723-D. 


At some point, the decision was reached by Agent Lament and 
Agent Dodridge to engage in the ongoing attempts to decommission 
SCP-723-D. Agent Dodridge initially suggested moving SCP-723-D 
into the containment chamber of SCP-623, at which time, he was 
reminded by Agent Lament that SCP-623 was located at a different 
site. 


In response, Agent Dodridge insisted that he knew how to operate a 
CH47-D Chinook transport helicopter. Agent Lament asked if he was 
“straight to fly,” upon which Agent Dodridge responded that “I’m 
straight, bro. I’m straight.” 


Final Five Minutes of Flight, Extracted From Flight Recorder on / / 


“Dude. Nah, man. But really? I... | think that Rights woman? She is 
really nice, man. She is awesome. | could marry her.” 


“Nah, man, | mean... She has that lamp thing, man. You know what 
she does to men with lamps?” 


“Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. | think | meant Light.” 


“Aww, hell, man. She'll kill you for that. She’s deadly too, man. 
They’re killers, man. They kill people.” 


“Are... Are all the women around here deadly?” 

“Fuck, man, | don’t... Oh shit! That’s... That’s blinking!” 
“What is that?” 

“| don’t know, man! | don’t know!” 

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!” 


(Twisting metal and screaming audible in the background) 


Agent Dodridge successfully crash landed the CH47-D Chinook in 
the middle of , where they insisted to local authorities that they 
were Federal Marshals transporting a convicted felon. Upon 
producing identification, both were apprehended by members of the 

Police Department and taken to the County Jail and placed 
in the drunk tank. 


Agent Dodridge and Agent Lament later reportedly set a series of 
shaped charges, created through an unknown method, on the door 
of the County Jail Drunk Tank and detonated them. 


Current estimates place the injured from the explosion at , though 
Dodridge and Lament apparently escaped unscathed. The two later 
stole a mobile home and drove it back to the crash site. At this time, 
the damage to SCP-723-D’s containment cube was extensive, and 
Agent Dodridge suggested that it would be easier if they just “let him 
out so he could walk back, then they could put him back in 
concrete.” Agent Lament agreed. 


Interview With Sgt. Jeremy Blevins: 
Blevins: They both had the proper ID! 


Dr. : They were both completely drunk and escorting a humanoid 
SCP. 


Blevins: But he was in the Class-D jumpsuit! 


Dr. : Are you trying to tell me that two agents and a Class-D 
wasn't suspicious? 


Blevins: People take out Class-D’s all the time! I... | guess this is the 
first time I’ve ever seen one come back, though... 


Dr. — : (Audible Sigh). 


Upon reentering Site- , Agent Lament and Agent Dodridge reviewed 
the file and realized that they could throw bottles at SCP-723-D 
without problems. They then proceeded to hurl glass bottles at him, 
breaking most, until SCP-723-D requested that they stop. 


At this point, SCP-723-D was instructed to “not sass me” by Agent 
Lament, resulting in SCP-723-D being repeatedly struck with a 
cricket bat, taken from the locker of Dr. Light. Dr. Light, discovering 
its absence, located Agent Lament and Agent Dodridge. Reclaiming 
it from them, she looked at SCP-723-D, noting that it was “Coming 
right for us!” before striking him soundly in the head, hitting him 
again and again until the force of the blows eventually caused him to 
lay on the ground, “taking it like a bitch.” 


At this point, Agent Lament asked Dr. Light for her phone number. 
Agent Lament later reported that Doctor Light had claimed to be 
washing her hair that day. He assured the debriefing agent that his 
broken ribs were completely unrelated. 


At this point, Agent Dodridge returned with several bottles of 
alcoholic beverages, procured from the locker of Dr. Locke, who had 
—Dodridge later insisted—‘just left them laying there.” 


At this time, Agent Lament and Agent Dodridge apparently decided 
that SCP-723-D “wasn’t such a bad guy,” and proceeded to share 
their beverages. Discovering that their supply had started to run out, 
they reclaimed their motor home and proceeded off-site back to 


Interview With Cpl. Jeremy Blevins: 


Blevins: Sir, | know this looks bad, but | can explain... 


Dr. : Corporal Blevins. Just... | don’t even... My God, man. How 
did you get this job? 


Blevins: They both had the ID and everything! 
Dr. : 1am... | am highly disappointed. 
Blevins: They said they had to return the motor home! 


Dr.  : (Audible Sigh). 


Upon entering , Agent Dodridge, Agent Lament, and SCP-723-D 
proceeded to “Jerry’s Bar and Grill,” where they ordered a round of 
drinks for the establishment and then proceeded to get “shit faced.” 


Agent Dodridge apparently paid for the drinks by allowing patrons to 
hit SCP-723-D with various objects for a monetary sum. SCP-723-D, 
for his part, eagerly consumed several beverages. 


At 0900 hours, Dr. Tamlin entered SCP-723-D’s containment 
chamber, noticed several shards of broken glass, and the open air 
hatch, and proceeded to contact the Motor Pool. 


Mobile Task Force Delta-5 assigned to track down and recover 
SCP-723-D. Finding the mobile home outside “Jerry’s Bar and Grill,” 
they further investigated, and found both Agent Dodridge and Agent 
Lament unconscious in pools of their own bodily fluids. 


SCP-723-D was at the bar, apparently dead due to a peanut allergy 
triggered by eating bar snacks. 

Agent Lament promoted to "Containment Specialist, First Class" and 
Agent Dodridge’s pay increased two stages. 


SCP-—723-D: Decommissioned. 


Minutes of the 383rd General Meeting of the 
Coharmonius Pelagic Society, Concerning an 
Unexpected Pugilistic Threat 


The following is a transcription of minutes from the 383rd general 
meeting of the Coharmonius Pelagic Society. Some details of these 
minutes may be inaccurate, due to the fact that sound is bubbly and 
really weird underwater. 


Hey everybody, Whitey Bulgefin here. Yeah, hello everybody, hope 
you enjoyed the long weekend, took their polyps down to the beach 
and enjoyed the sunshine that kind of thing. Great, that’s great. 


Well, I’m going to call this meeting to order. Okay then. So most of 
you know, probably, that this isn’t like a regular meeting in the order 
of things, kind of thing. This is like, an emergency meeting, you 
know? Yeah, so most of you here know Frank, right? Good guy, 
good guy. Anyways — this was all last week — Frank was swimming 
along down here, minding his own business, when one of those 
guys, whaddya call those little two-legged guys that sometimes 
come down from the beach? Yeah, he swims up to Frank, just as 
you please, and whaddya think he does? 


He fucking punches him, that’s what. Right in the goddamn face. 


So like | said, given that this is a — what’s that, Eliot? How’s Frank 
doing? He’s dead, that’s how he’s doing. | told you he got punched 
in the goddamn face, didn’t |? You don’t swim away from something 
like that. 


Yeah, the funeral was last week. You didn’t hear? You're kind of an 
asshole, Eliot. 


Okay. Order, everyone. Please. Order. Obviously, us at the CPS, 
we're peaceful-loving types of fish and marine-type-individuals, so 
we sent some people to investigate Frank’s death. Yeah, we got 


Seal Team Six. Sent up Shark Team Six too, hahaha, cause it 
turned out the seals didn’t do so well. Ran right into traffic as soon 
as they got on shore, took the whole squadron out. Same with... 
what the hell was it, some kind of whale? Freaky-looking thing, 
anyways. Offered to help us out, but it turns out whales don’t move 
so good on land. Yeah, it lay on the beach and kinda, uh, 
decomposed there for a while before the two-leg suits showed up 
and hauled it away. Last | heard they were going to stick it in a tank 
full of acid, all kinds of horrible stuff. Thoughts and prayers, folks. 


Anyways, Shark Team Six, they done pretty well, seaple. We got 
them all bundled up in, you know, winter parkas, kaftans, shawls, 
you name it. By the time we were all done you could barely 
recognize there were sharks in there, that kind of thing. We sent ‘em 
walking all up and down the beachfront, and they got a good couple 
of leads, lemme tell you. Well, and first of all, nearly everybody in 
town’s seen these guys walking down to the beach every morning. 
Swim suits, scuba tanks, and these big-ass boxing gloves. 


Yeah, only one casualty from Shark Team Six. And it’s not evena 
real casualty, but like a fake casualty, you know? Doug went native, 
that’s the problem. Says he swooned for some local and they’re off 
to Tallahassee to get married. Doug says he doesn’t know how to 
tell the guy he’s a shark, though, that’s the problem. Says he gets 
cold sweats just thinking about it. Well, that’s probably just his skin 
drying out in the cold, hard light of day. 


But Sally and Louise, you know from Shark Team Six, yeah, they 
tracked down where these guys live. Yeah they did. Big round of 
applause for Sally and Louise, folks. Clap your fins together if you 
can. | can’t, because I’m big and cumbersome and millions of years 
of evolution designed me as an apex predator instead of a nice party 
guy which, you know, when life gives you lemons and all that kind of 
stuff. But yeah, Sally and Louise, they not only got in the door but 
took a good look around, and Sally even got offered a janitorial 
position by the people there. | Know, very exciting stuff. This is an 
exciting career opportunity for her, and | for one, well | just want to 
say I’m very proud of our hometown girl. 


Yeah, it’s like a lab. But like a freaky lab, you Know what I’m saying? 
Sally and Louise, they say they’ve got these rows and rows of like 


Output: A pile of unrefined wool. 


Input: One (1) wool blanket 

Setting: 1:1 

Output: A cotton blanket of identical mass and 
thickness. 


Input: One (1) wool blanket 

Setting: Very fine 

Output: An extremely light-absorbent blanket made out 
of an unidentified material. When given to D-class 
personnel, feeling was described as "extremely 
comfortable." 


Notes from Dr. Ashwood: I'm going to be taking this one 
home for some extra... research. Yeah. 


Extra note: Rumours have circulated around the building 
that Dr. Ashwood was seen cuddling with her blanket 
several hours after testing in the mess hall. Reminder 
that it is very unprofessional to spread rumours about 
other personnel. 


Name: Dr. Westrin 

Date: /12/2017 

Total Items: One piece of paper referencing [DATA 
EXPUNGED] 


Input: One piece of paper referencing [DATA 
EXPUNGED] 

Setting: Fine 

Output: 


Name: Researcher 

Date: 12/17/17 

Total Items: One 10 kg ingot of copper, one 10 kg ingot 
of tin, one 500 g block of wood, one 100 g spool of cloth, 
one 50 g nugget of copper, one 50 g nugget of tin, 2.5 g 
of wood, a 0.5 g patch of cloth, and two photographs of 


dummy sharks set up, you know, and they go in there with the 
boxing gloves and it’s just... oh god, it’s horrible. If there’s any 
parents or nurse sharks in the audience | want you to cover your 
children’s ears right now, okay? Some of this stuff could scar a 
young’un, and | just wanna make sure our children grow up ina 
caring and stress-free environment, you know what I’m saying? 
Okay? 


They punch them. Okay, I’ve said it. Kids, you all okay? Great. 
Moving on. 


Order, everybody. No, I’m getting to that. Order, please. Yeah, 
obviously we’ve got to prepare some kind of... would it be a 
countermeasure or a counteroffensive? One or the other, yeah? 


No, Eliot, we can’t just bite them. You know what happens if you try 
to bite one of them boxing two-legs? They punch your fucking teeth 
out, that’s what. And then how are you gonna bite anything, huh? 
Didn't think of that, did ya? No? | thought so. 


Okay, so when word got out we were planning something like that, 
you know, this representative from a pretty big company ended up 
kinda approaching me, you know, saying that he knew just the stuff 
we were after and stuff like that. Yeah, you know the company? 
Marshall, Carter, and... please don’t say it. Thanks. Thank you. 
Alright Earl, you wanna open up one of those boxes? Yeah, sure, 
that one’s fine. They’re all the same.