Player: Dr. Yeatley 

Statement: "Murdered by its lover." 

Result: SCP-1459 produced a second 
instance of SCP-1459-1, which proceeded to 
claw and bite the first instance until it died of 
blood loss. The second instance was 
eliminated via SCP-1459's default bludgeoning 


method. 
Note: Only one cookie was dispensed. 


Experiment #: 0055 

Player: Dr. Yeatley 

Statement: "Murder suicide." 

Result: As in the first test, a second 
SCP-1459-1 murdered the first. Following this, 
SCP-1459 provided the second SCP-1459-1 
with a hammer, which the animal ran into 
repeatedly. 

Note: Two cookies were dispensed. 


Experiment #: 0056 

Player: Dr. Yeatley 

Statement: "Crime of passion." 

Result: The hatch elongated and a caucasian 
woman in a red evening gown emerged. The 
woman (who has not yet been identified) 
strangled SCP-1459-1 while sobbing and 
screaming the phrase "you dog" repeatedly. 
The woman performed this action continuously 
for 15 minutes; afterward, both the woman and 
the deceased SCP-1459-1 fell through the 
trapdoor and out of view. 


Experiment #: 0057 

Player: Dr. Yeatley 

Statement: "Drowning in puppies." 

Result: Additional SCP-1459-1 were produced 
until the entire chamber was filled to capacity. 
The remaining space was filled with water. 
Note: Many cookies were dispensed. 


[SUPERFLUOUS LOGS REDACTED] 


Experiment #: 0231 

Player: Dr. Lofqvist 

Statement: "Civil war." 

Result: A man in a historically accurate 
uniform of the Confederate States Army circa 


1863 dismembered SCP-1459-1 with his bare 
hands. 


Experiment #: 0232 

Player: Dr. Siddell 

Statement: "The Judicial System." 

Result: Fifteen additional instances of 
SCP-1459-1 were produced, one of which 
wore a miniature powdered wig and black 
cloak, and two of which miniature suits. A 
noose was lowered around the first instance's 
head and hanged the instance. The same 
procedure was applied to the remaining 
fourteen instances. 

Note: Fifteen cookies were dispensed, all of 
which were of the raisin variety. 


Experiment #: 0233 

Player: Assistant Researcher Kirchner 
Statement: "Made into cookies." 

Result: Using kitchen implements and 
traditional ingredients, SCP-1459-1 was 
dismembered and incorporated into a batch of 
chocolate chip cookies. SCP-1459's internal 
heat increased to an estimated 300 degrees 
Celsius. SCP-1459 then produced a 
Caucasian woman in a red evening gown who 
consumed the cookies while smiling 
wordlessly at Assistant Researcher Kirchner. 
Note: A chocolate chip cookie was dispensed. 
No traces of animal matter detected in its 
composition. 


Experiment #: 0234 

Player: Junior Researcher Leishman 
Statement: "Falling off a roller coaster." 
Result: SCP-1459's mechanical arms 
constructed a miniature roller coaster within 
the internal chamber over the course of 3 
hours. Once completed, SCP-1459-1 rode the 


ride normally until to the loop section, at which 
point the ride stopped, causing SCP-1459-1 to 
fall to the chamber floor. SCP-1459-1 was then 
bludgeoned via SCP-1459's default method. 
Note: No cookie dispensed. 


Experiment #: 0235 

Player: Dr. Hoshi 

Statement: "Batman." 

Result: A concrete bust of the fictional 
character was released from the ceiling of the 
chamber, subsequently crushing SCP-1459-1. 
The floor remained undamaged. 


Experiment #: 0236 

Player: Dr. Philmore 

Statement: "Knowledge of the unknowable." 
Result: An entity resembling O5- emerged 
from the trapdoor of the inner chamber, picked 
up SCP-1459-1, and pulled it out of sight. 
Note: When questioned, O5- denied any 
involvement in the incident. 


Experiment #: 0237 

Player: D-5923 

Statement: "My bare hands." 

Result: SCP-1459-1 reacted as if being 
strangled, although no additional presence 
was observed in the chamber. D-5923 
reported feeling SCP-1459-1's fur on his 
hands as it died. 


Experiment #: 0238 

Player: D-5923 

Statement: "Spontaneous combustion." 
Result: SCP-1459-1 underwent what 
appeared to be an accelerated form of 
SCP-081. 


Experiment #: 0239 
Player: D-5923 


Statement: "Nuclear deton—" (Subject 
terminated mid-sentence.) 

Result: The resulting explosion was 
completely contained by SCP-1459. 

Note: D-Class personnel no longer permitted 
for testing. Maintenance Technician Valera 
selected for further testing due to the low 
likelihood of K-Class scenarios resulting from 
her requests. 

Note 2: 368 cookies were dispensed in rapid 
succession. The significance of this is 
unknown. 


Experiment #: 0240 

Player: Maintenance Technician Valera 
Statement: "Happy thoughts." 

Result: SCP-1459-1 was injected with a black 
substance, convulsed, and collapsed. 


Experiment #: 0241 

Player: Maintenance Technician Valera 
Statement: "Love." 

Result: A Caucasian woman in a red evening 
gown emerged from SCP-1459's upper 
chamber, sat on SCP-1459-1's face, and 
began moaning in apparent pleasure. After 
continuing this activity for another 5 hours, 
both individuals were removed via SCP-1459's 
claw. 


Experiment #: 0242 

Player: Maintenance Technician Valera 
Statement: "Old age.” 

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect 
indicating the method of extermination had 
been previously used. Maintenance 
Technician Valera was unable to think of an 
alternative method of extermination and 
SCP-1459-1 was disposed of in the default 
manner. 


Experiment #: 0243 

Player: Maintenance Technician Valera 
Statement: "Please, no kill dog.” 

Result: SCP-1459-1 was given a pillow, a 
treat, and a pat on the head by a gloved 
mechanism. 15 minutes later, it was retrieved 
by SCP-1459's claw. Immediately afterward, 
SCP-1459 produced a juvenile domestic feline 
(Felis catus) and exterminated it with a single 
blow to the head with a sledgehammer. 
Note: A salted cracker was dispensed. 


[SUPERFLUOUS LOGS REDACTED; SEE EXTENDED 
LOG FOR FURTHER DOCUMENTATION] 


Addendum: The following is a manufacturer's mark present on the 
rear panel of SCP-1459: 


Brought to you by the good folks at Y.W.T.G.T.H.F.T. 


in partnership with Sugarcomb Confections. 


1. A baked confection commonly referred to as a "biscuit" outside 
the United States. 
2. 2,592 as of 07/09/ . 


« SCP-1458 | SCP-1459 | SCP-1460 » 


SCP-1459 Extended Testing Log 


Additional experiments carried out with SCP-1459. See original 
documentation for more details. 


Standard format: 


Player: The individual carrying out the experiment. 
Statement: Method of extermination dictated to 
SCP-1459. 

Result: Action performed upon SCP-1459-1. 
Note: Additional documentation (optional). 


Player: Dr. Lindquist 

Statement: "Sunday night football." 

Result: SCP-1459-1 remained unharmed for four (4) days, during 
which time it was provided with food, water, and plush bedding. At 
8:30 PM CDT the following evening, SCP-1459 produced a football 
cleat attached to a hydraulic kicking mechanism which knocked 
SCP-1459-1 into the front window at high speed. 


Player: Dr. Lindquist 

Statement: "Matricide.” 

Result: Despite being a juvenile, SCP-1459-1 displayed behavior 
consistent with a mature canine going into labor. Half an hour later, 
three (3) unidentified creatures resembling crustaceans emerged 
from SCP-1459-1's vagina and proceeded to pull apart and 
consume the SCP-1459-1 instance. 


Player: Dr. Reich 

Statement: "Mutiny at sea." 

Result: SCP-1459's chamber was partially flooded with water, and a 
small wooden raft was produced with two additional instances of 
SCP-1459-1. The original instance of SCP-1459-1 was provided 
with a small tri-cornered cap, and began to bark aggressively at the 
other two instances. Both instances appeared to nod towards each 


other before pouncing on the original instance and forcing it 
underwater. The raft then capsized, causing the additional instances 
to drown after 8 minutes. 


Player: Dr. Iqbal 

Statement: "Assassination." 

Result: A robotic arm descended from SCP-1459's hatch and 
placed a stovepipe hat scaled to fit a juvenile canine upon 
SCP-1459-1's head. Several other robotic arms then emerged 
armed with a variety of implements and weaponry, and proceeded to 
stab SCP-1459-1 multiple times, bludgeon it, and orally administer 
at least thirteen different substances in a forcible manner. While 
SCP-1459-1 appeared to be deceased immediately following this 
activity, a single robotic arm lowered from hatch three minutes later 
carrying a rifle, which was then used to shoot SCP-1459-1 in the 
cranial area. Despite the presence of a single firearm and only one 
documented shot fired, a second bullet hole in SCP-1459-1's head 
spontaneously appeared during this time. 


Player: Dr. Nark 

Statement: “My ‘leet’ skills.” 

Result: An empty television frame attached to a robotic arm 
descended from SCP-1459’s hatch alongside SCP-1459-1. 
SCP-1459-1 was placed behind the television frame from the 
perspective of Dr. Nark. A second robotic arm carrying a Type-95 
assault rifle descended in front of the television frame. SCP-1459-1 
was fired at through the television frame until expiration. 


Player: Dr. Damm 

Statement: "Dog fighting.” 

Result: A miniature airplane was lowered into SCP-1459 by a 
robotic arm. The airplane was a single-seat open-cockpit biplane 
with miniaturized machine guns mounted to the wings, and the side 
of the plane was adorned with the French flag; the plane was scaled 
down so that its cockpit was properly sized for an pre-adolescent 
canine. The robotic arm then placed SCP-1459-1 into the plane's 
cockpit, after which the plane began to fly around the interior 
chamber. After one minute, SCP-1459's hatch opened and a second 
miniature airplane, piloted by a second instance of SCP-1459-1, flew 
into the chamber. This airplane was identical to the first, except it 


displayed the flag of the German Empire rather than the French flag. 
The two airplanes circled around each other for three minutes. After 
several near-collisions, the French airplane opened fire on the 
German airplane, damaging one of its wings. The German airplane 
fired back at the French airplane, shooting the plane down and 
killing the first SCP-1459-1 instance in the process. The German 
airplane then crashed, presumably due to the damage it had 
sustained, killing the second SCP-1459-1 instance. 


Player: Dr. Talan 

Statement: "Surprise me." 

Result: SCP-1459 remained inactive for approximately 15 minutes. 
During the period of inactivity, SCP-1459-1 began moving in an 
agitated manner within SCP-1459. The instance was observed to 
look repeatedly towards the hatch in SCP-1459's ceiling. At the end 
of the 15 minute inactive period, the SCP-1459's hatch opened. 
SCP-1459-1 stopped all movement and sat down, staring fixedly at 
the hatch. Dr. Talan was observed to step closer to the observation 
windows, also staring at the hatch. After another five minutes of 
inactivity, a series of loud noises, bright lights, and frightening 
images typical of 'screamer' viruses and images emanated from the 
hatch in rapid succession. SCP-1459-1 jumped approximately 30 cm 
into the air before collapsing. Dr. Talan clutched his chest above his 
heart before collapsing and going into cardiac arrest. After 30 
seconds of inactivity, one robotic arm was lowered into SCP-1459. It 
then prodded the instance of SCP-1459-1 twice before the instance 
fell through the trapdoor in the floor. 

Notes: Dr. Talan is expected to make a full recovery. Additionally, 
SCP-1459 dispensed two tablets determined to be B__ brand 
aspirin rather than a cookie. 


Player: Dr. Edison 

Statement: "Immortality." 

Result: A mechanical arm pulled SCP-1459-1 into the ceiling hatch. 
Pained vocalizations were heard from SCP-1459-1 for 
approximately thirty minutes, followed by another thirty minutes of 
silence. The hatch opened a second time and SCP-1459-1 was 
lowered back into the chamber, preserved through taxidermy and 
displayed on a stand with a small plaque reading "Our Hero". 


Player: None 

Statement: n/a 

Result: On 10/13/ without any prompting an instance of 
SCP-1459-1 materialized in a flash of light. It was then terminated 
via the default bludgeoning method. SCP-1459 then deposited a 
Mint White Chocolate cookie. 


Player: Dr. King 

Statement: "Zero gravity." 

Result: SCP-1459-1 was crushed under a tremendous pile of 
appleseeds. 

Why did | expect anything different to happen? -Dr. King 


Player: Dr. Edison 

Statement: "Are We Cool Yet?" 

Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] leaving the corpse of the SCP-1459-1 
instance suspended in mid-air, orbiting the singing head of Abraham 
Lincoln. 


Player: Jr. Researcher Kitterman 

Statement: "Firing squad." 

Result: German Shepherd instance of SCP-1459-1 emerged tied to 
a post. A blind fold was affixed and a cigarette inserted into the 
corner of its mouth and lit. Five additional Pit Bull Terrier 
SCP-1459-1 instances emerged in uniforms consistent with those 
use by American Expeditionary Forces in WWI, carrying miniature 
rifles. One instance barked three times (presumably to indicate 
"ready, aim, fire") as the remaining four fired at the restrained 
instance, killing it. 

Note: 7aps was played over the normal closing statement during 
clean up. 


Player: Dr. Laries 

Statement: “Complete knowledge of the universe.” 

Result: A small bucket labeled "B "was lowered into 
SCP-1459. SCP-1459-1 walked over to the bucket, looked inside, 
and began to whine and cry. It then ran away from the bucket while 
still whining, smashing headfirst into one of SCP-1459's observation 
windows, resulting in its death. 


Player: Dr. Harper 


Statement: "Poker." 

Result: Five additional instances of SCP-1459-1 were dispensed, 
along with a miniature poker table and chips. Each instance 
gathered around the table and proceeded to play a game of poker. 
Instances that lost all their chips were promptly beaten to death with 
a fireplace poker. After the game, the winner was given a treat and 
promptly beaten to death with a gold-painted fireplace poker. 

Note: SCP-1459 dispensed 6 cigars rather than a cookie. 


Player: Researcher Prescott 

Statement: “Absolute zero.” 

Result: Two robotic arms came out of the hatch carrying a table with 
a digital thermometer securely placed on top of it. Soon afterwards, 
the chamber’s temperature started to drop quickly. One hour after 
reaching 0.01 K without further changes, SCP-1459-1 was struck 
with a hammer and shattered. 


Player: Dr. Reed 

Statement "Beer." 

Result: Three tubes extended from the top hatch of SCP-1459 and 
were inserted into the mouth and nostrils of SCP-1459-1. A yellow 
liquid (assumed to be beer) then flowed through the tubes. 
SCP-1459-1 displayed behavior exhibited by canines drowning for 
three (3) minutes and forty-one (41) seconds. 


Player: Dr. Nepale 

Statement: "Wrapped in a net." 

Result: Four robotic arms came out of the hatch, one of which was 
holding a large flexible mesh of thin metal wire. The arms stretched 
out the mesh on each of its corners over SCP-1459-1 until all the 
gaps were congruent with each other. Afterwards, the arms brought 
the mesh down instantaneously under SCP-1459-1. The subject 
stood still for three seconds, after which all of its flesh and blood 
collapsed abruptly. The arms then wrapped the pile with the mesh 
and brought it into the hatch. 

Note: The cookie was dispensed in four perfectly cut pieces. 


Player: Dr. Sterling 

Statement: "Cannon." 

Result: Four robotic arms extended from the top hatch of 
SCP-1459. Two proceeded to pick up SCP-1459-1, while a third 


holding what appeared to be a cannon and a fourth holding a 
brand lighter. SCP-1459-1 was then forced into the cannon. The 
cannon was aimed at the front of SCP-1459 and the fuse lit by the 
lighter. After around 30 seconds, the cannon fired SCP-1459-1 
directly towards the front panel of SCP-1459. 


Player: Dr. Sterling