Anyways, they certainly were a strange lot. All dressed in white, with 
white gloves and in white vans, white as the moon as it sails across 
the sky and stares down upon Earth, so lonely in the universe. They 
certainly weren't beautiful like Carlos and his perfect hair. They 
didn't even have any sort of equipment on them! In fact, they were 
quite surprised to meet me out there; apparently, they hadn't 
expected the person who warned of such a dangerous storm to be 
standing right out in the middle of it. 


Of course, they didn't even notice the storm either, but then, do any 
of us really want to notice such things, dear listeners? 


I'm afraid | have to apologize here, friends and listeners. | had 
hoped to coax these scientists into town long enough to get them on 
the show today, but they only stuck around long enough to ask me a 
few questions about Night Vale before leaving. | can barely even 
remember their faces! However, | can tell you, dear listeners, what | 
told them. 


| told them of Night Vale. | told them of the unsavory parts of our 
town - the dog park, the hooded figures, of the Apache Tracker, of 
that asshole, Steve Carlsberg. But, dear listeners, | also told them of 
the good aspects. Of the humble Arby's, of the beautiful lights that 
dance across the sky at noontime every seventh Friday, of the lovely 
scientists that inhabit our dear town, of how much better we are than 
Desert Bluffs. Of Carlos in particular, and his beautiful, perfect hair. 
And, of course, of you, dear listeners, the best citizens any 
community could ask for. 


| told them all of this, and waited to see what further questions they 
would ask, what curiosities they would explore first. Instead, all they 
did was stand around for a few minutes, look around them, then 

thanked me for my time, piled into their vans, and left. | could swear 
one of them muttered about what a "delusional, rambling nut" | was 


as they departed, but none of them seemed all that rude. 


Perhaps, dear listeners, they were simply too stunned by the great 
town we have been blessed to live in to pollute it with their poking 
and prodding. We may never know, but we can say they were very 
odd men. Just remember, listeners, that we should always embrace 
the odd and weird, unless the town council tells us not to. True, they 
were strange, but | accept them all, even if they are no longer with 
us. 


After all, isn't meeting new people what being a citizen of Night Vale 
is all about? 


No. It's about hiding under your desks and praying for salvation 
when the birds croak their terrible secrets. 


And now, the weather! 


Agent Brown and the Case of the Missing Amulet 


It was a perfectly perfect day at the SCP Foundation's 19th Site. 
There were anomalous butterflies flying, and laughing personnel 
catching them in titanium butterfly nets. The Telekill containment 
chambers were keeping the psychics in check, and all the senior 
staff were out being cool and handsome. Well... almost all of them. 


Dr. Bright was double morose, due to the concrete fact that he'd 
been stuck in the same D-Class body for over two weeks now. Yes, 
it was funny the first couple dozen times he popped the eye out, but 
his pegleg was starting to get sore. Plus, that goddamn parrot 
wouldn't leave him alone. 


"Of all the days to lose the amulet” Bright groused, "It had to be 
International Talk Like a Pirate Day." 


In front of him lay a garage door, looking incredibly conspicuous 
among the identical rows of offices. The council had tried to stop 
them from building it, but the new hire had insisted on it. Normally, 
this would result in being given a fastpass to Keterland, but this had 
been a special case. A special case for a special detective. 


25 cents per day, plus expenses - No case too small. 
He sighed, and pulled open the garage door. 


Seated inside, busily researching his latest anomalous yo-yo, was 
the great boy detective. One of the best minor crimebusters on the 
Foundation payroll. He'd been solving mysteries left and right, going 
from the "Case of Kondraki's Kaleidoscope" to "The Mystery of the 
Mischievous Miser's Mansion." His name was Leroy Brown, but they 
called him Agent Encyclopedia since folks said he was like an 
encyclopedia that wore sneakers. Several cases had been proposed 
marking him as an anomaly, but it never produced much. 


"Hey there, Jack. | thought you were meeting Rights today to test 


hyper-lethal napkins?" 


"| was... but something came up.” Bright slumped his arms. "I need 
your help. Someone has stolen my amulet, and | don't know who." 


"Really?" Encyclopedia dropped his yo-yo in surprise. As it sizzled 
on the floor, he asked "Are you sure it isn't just misplaced?" 


"Positive. I'd just left it in my locker while | changed into this body, 
and when | came back it was gone. It sucked, since | couldn't do any 
of the pirate-themed lethal pranks on the new people." 


Encyclopedia nodded, gesturing subtly to a shoebox with a coin slot. 
"Do you have any idea who might've done it?" 


"Well..." Bright's non-eyepatched eye closed in thought. "I thought 
Researcher Meany was giving it some looks the other day. | kicked 
him out of containment for being Bugs earlier that day." 


"Bugs!" Encyclopedia excalimed. "I should've known he was behind 
this!" 


"So, we just have Konny hang out in their clubhouse for a few 
minutes, then everybody wins?" 


"We need proof first, Jack. We need... a confession." 


Encyclopedia knew just where to find Bugs. He'd be at his 
clubhouse with his gang. They called themselves the Tigers, but 
they should have called them themselves the Skippers, because 
they always tried to duck responsibility. The Tiger clubhouse was 
situated in the scenic Site-19 mess hall. Constructed of tables, scrap 
wood, and dreams, it was the home to Researcher Bugs Meany and 
his gang of no-canon scientists who didn't abide by the scientific 
method. 


Encyclopedia knocked on the door. For a moment, there was great 
rustling, and then one Bugs Meany opened the door. 


"Ohhh look boys, it's the walking thesaurus!" Bugs exclaimed, 
sneering. His fellow Tigers jeered from inside the clubhouse. 


satisfactory while SCP-616 is grounded, though some visual 
anomalies have been recorded, including [DATA EXPUNGED]. As 
such, it is advised that personnel known to have a high tolerance to 
disturbing imagery be assigned to observation duty, and work no 
longer than three (3) consecutive days. All personnel involved in the 
repairs, observation, operation, or flight of SCP-616 must submit to 
psychological evaluations after each period of exposure. 


SCP-616-1 will autonomously open once every thirty (30) days, and 
begin to close. This event can be considered the activation of 
SCP-616-1. The speed at which SCP-616-1 closes is highly 
dependent on SCP-616's altitude, velocity, and [DATA 
EXPUNGED]. It should be timed so that SCP-616-1 opens in mid- 
flight, at an altitude of approximately 10,972 m and a speed of about 
780 km/h. Failure to properly time this event is catastrophic, since 
SCP-616-1 closing fully while grounded could affect all life-forms 
within an unknown radius, causing potentially hundreds of [DATA 
EXPUNGED], posing severe threats to population centers, and 
requiring immediate use of Procedure 600-Shoki. Please see 
[Document SCP-616 DE2] for further information on [DATA 
EXPUNGED] and effective means of termination. 


Once SCP-616-1 spontaneously opens, cabin pressure will 
destabilize as expected, and extreme ‘turbulence’ is encountered. At 
various points during the flight, all present personnel may feel as if 
SCP-616 is quickly falling, though it has been ascertained that 
SCP-616 remains in relatively stable cruising conditions during all 
times, including during the times of these events. SCP-616-1's 
opening may cause certain individuals present to suffer fatal heart- 
attacks or [DATA EXPUNGED]. 


Corpses with an undamaged larynx present within SCP-616 once 
SCP-616-1 activates seemingly reanimate for the duration of the 
flight. The corpses remain largely immobile, and as such, pose no 
physical threat, but are capable of speech. These speaking corpses 
should be terminated if possible, as their speech poses potential 
psychological dangers, as well as enable SCP-616-1's closing via 
[DATA EXPUNGED]. The language spoken by these reanimated 
corpses remains unidentified. 


Addendum 616-01: The airliner series never went into service, as 


"Knock it off, Bugs. You know why we're here." 


"Why, Agent Dictionary, | have no idea why you're here. We've just 
been playing cards all afternoon." Bugs' sneer got even wider, if 
such a thing was possible. 


"Where were you on Pirate Day, Bugs?" Encyclopedia asked, 
crossing his arms. 


"Pirate Day? Me and the boys were mess—assisting, that is, with 
the containment of six-eight-two." 


Encyclopedia raised an eyebrow. 


"Yeah. A couple of us stuck a plank over the pit, to see how he'd 
react to juniors standing over the glass. Oh, there were results. Boy, 
did it get steamed. But, Bright came in and cramped our style." 


"There were others in line, Bugs." Bright huffed. 


"Whatever, Jackwad." The Tigers laughed raucously. "Why d'you 
want to know?" 


"You stole my Amulet!" Bright shouted, his lone eyebrow crossing 
with displeasure. 


"Heh, you wish. After Jack-o'-lantern kicked us out, we hung out in 
the observation chamber. 'Course when the big lizard got out, we 
didn't stick around." 


Encyclopedia tapped his sneaker. "Where'd you run to, Bugs?" 


"We climbed in the rafters. Six-Eight-Two looked at us, but only 
messily devoured the low-hanging guys. Looked right up at me, then 
scrambled away." 


"That's all we need, Bugs." Encyclopedia nodded at him. "See you 
around." 


"Smell ya later, Soanish-English dictionary." The clubhouse door 
slammed shut. 


Dr. Bright whispered to Encyclopedia as they walked out. "I think he 
has an ironclad case..." 


Encyclopedia shook his head. "Something about his story doesn't 
add up." 


What did Encyclopedia Know? 
To find out, turn to page 


Bugs said that SCP-682 looked up at him when he was 
telling the researcher to walk the plank. But 
Encyclopedia knew that 682 can't look up! 


After being confronted, Bugs admitted to stealing the 
medallion. He was met with swift justice of a detention 
with Dr. Kondraki. 


Dr. Bright got his medallion back just in time to make it to 
the hyper-lethal napkin symposium. It was met with 
critical acclaim. 


Encyclopedia was given the Foundation star and 25 
cents for his work. 


His parents were very proud of him. 


Saturday Night SCP Showdown 


"I'm Vince McMahon." 
"I'm Gorilla Monsoon." 
"And I'm Bobby ‘the Brain' Heenan." 


"We've got a sold-out crowd here tonight at the Tacoma Dome this 
lovely Saturday night, February 17th, 1991, ladies and gentlemen, 
and millions tuning in around the world exclusively on pay-per-view. 
Prepare yourselves for a once-in-a-lifetime spectacle. Bigger than 
Wrestlemania! Bigger than the Royal Rumble! Bigger than the Super 
Bowl! This is, the first, the last, the only - WORLD WRESTLING 
FEDERATION SATURDAY NIGHT SCP SHOWDOWN!" 


"That's right, Vince," Gorilla said to his partner in the commentator's 
booth. "For the first time ever, we're going to see the WWF's 
greatest superstars go toe-to-toe with the strangest in anomalous 
beings the SCP Foundation has to offer! You're going to see the 
WWF World Heavyweight Champion, the Ultimate Warrior himself, 
defend his belt against the man they call Able! You're going to see a 
mystery wrestler - who could it be? - defend the honor of the red, 
white, and blue in a flag-versus-flag match against Lord Theodore 
‘The Gentleman’ Blackwood! You're going to see a handicap match 
in the parking lot so intense that the network won't even let me tell 
you what's going to go down! By the end of the night, we'll know 
once and for all which of these two one-of-a-kind organizations is 
really larger than life! Thoughts, Brain?" 


"Well, I've been watching these Foundation boys for some time, and 
| think they've got what it takes to go all the way." 


"| don't know about that, Brain. I've been told the Ultimate Warrior 
has been training day and night in preparation for this showdown." 


"They've got 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper himself guest-refereeing in that 


match. Who knows if he's gonna play by the rules?" 


"Let's go to ringside," Vince said, "for our first matchup of the 
evening!" 


"Ladies and gentlemen," declared ring announcer Howard Finkel, 
"the following match for the WWF World Tag Team Championship is 
scheduled for one fall!" A powerful guitar riff that in no way 
resembled Foreigner's hit single "Urgent" blared over the 
loudspeakers, the crowd erupting into cheers as two men in pink 
tights and black jackets approached the ring. "From Calgary, 
Alberta, Canada, with a combined weight of 515 Ibs., the WWF 
World Tag Team Champions, Bret 'the Hitman' Hart and Jim 'the 
Anvil' Neidhart, the Hart Foundation!" 


"And their challengers!" An uncertain chorus erupted as two identical 
looking men in black singlets approached the ring, each with a 
stylized amulet over their chests. A guitar riff which in no way 
resembled Foreigner's "Double Vision" played as Finkel announced 
the pair. "Hailing from Site-19, each weighing exactly 273 Ibs., Dr. 
Jack Bright and his partner, Dr. Jack Bright!" 


"I'm here live in the locker room," said Brother Love as he stood next 
to a heavily-tattooed man in black who dwarfed him in stature, "with 
one of the SCP superstars you'll see in tonight's man event. He's 
mean! He's mysterious! He's SCP-076-2!" 


"Able," the giant corrected him. 


"Of course," Brother Love replied as he daubed at his bright red 
forehead with a silk hanky. "Now, Able, your matchup tonight with 
the Ultimate Warrior has been the talk of the World Wrestling 
Federation ever since your interference at the Royal Rumble cost 
Sgt. Slaughter his chance at winning the championship. Is there 
anything you'd like to say to the people at home who've never seen 
you in the squared circle?" 


"You who are watching me tonight," Able said, "know that | have 
come to the World Wrestling Federation not to entertain, not to 
teach, not even to compete, but to conquer! There is nobody in this 
arena tonight who is my equal! The worms who lurk these halls, who 
call themselves superstars - they are not worthy to stand against 
me! | will dominate all those who challenge me as | have dominated 
for ten thousand years, and when | leave this place, | will leave 
nothing but the bleached skulls of those fools who dared to stand in 
my way!" 


"A lot of people have said, Able, that the Ultimate Warrior is a truly 
unpredictable fighter. Have you been making any special 
preparations for tonight's main event?" 


Able laughed. "Ultimate Warrior!" he shouted as he pointed at the 
camera. "Your name is a lie, for there is no warrior more ultimate 
than myself! You say the spirits of the warriors past give you their 
power? | am the spirits of warriors past, and my power is beyond 
your ability to comprehend! | will leave here tonight the WWF World 
Heavyweight Champion, Jim - because | am Able, and you are 
unable." 


"| looooodcd0c0000000ve this man," Brother Love said.