SCP-685-D 'Bag of Holding’: SCP appeared to be a normal satchel, 
capable of holding an unlimited quantity of items. SCP was turned 


inside out and vanished. 


SCP-122-D 'Large Canine’: SCP was a large winged dog. SCP was 
put to sleep with no complications. 


SCP-096-D 'Too Good Air Conditioner’: An air conditioner that 
reduced room temperature to 0 degrees. SCP was smelted down, 
and the scrap was not used. 


SCP-547-D ‘Nature's Fury': SCP was a teenage male identical in 
appearance to Dr. Timothy , but wielding unbelievable 
power. SCP was terminated by accident. 


SCP-072-D 'A Spell Book': SCP was a thick book which claimed to 
contain 'magic spells.’ SCP was burned with no complications. 


SCP-226-D 'Chrono Komodo ': A sentient statue of a komodo 
dragon that possessed time-controlling abilities. SCP was 
terminated by accident by Dr. "Iceberg" and Prof. Kain Pathos Crow. 


SCP-153-D 'The Impaler's Thumb': SCP was a mummified thumb 
that turned its holder into a patriotic xenophobic racist. SCP was 
accidentally incinerated by Dr. Kondraki. 


SCP-1016-D 'Ben the Cyborg’: A self-described "computer genius" 
whose body parts were largely replaced by computer hardware. 
Decommissioned by Dr. Gears. 


SCP-106-D 'Exploding Woman': SCP was a woman who, by 
inserting her finger inside a human's navel and touching one of their 
organs, would explode, regenerating 20 days later. SCP was 
destroyed by subjecting it to the simultaneous presence of 
SCP-048-D and SCP-053. 


SCP-151-D 'K': SCP was a creature that resembled an albino 
human child with a furry tail. Possessed psychokinetic abilities, and 
a strong hate for personnel convicted of violent crime towards 
women and/or children. SCP was decommissioned by exposure to 
SCP-056. 


SCP-806-D: SCP was a white rubber mask that "metaphored" 
people's heads until they died. Was destroyed by unified staff effort 


within 26 hours of its emergence. 


SCP- -D: The re-animated corpse of former United States 
president James Garfield. Captured and incinerated. 


SCP- -D: An evil goblin jester that likes to murder people. Fed to 
SCP-682. 


SCP-_ -D: Eight billion humans that gain psychic powers when their 
brains are not exposed to radiation. All instances were allowed to be 
terminated by SCP-076-2 as a reward for good behavior. 


SCP-5280-J: Antiquated Measurement System 


Item #: SCP-5280-J 
Object Class: Euclid-ubique 


Special Containment Procedures: Subjects found using 
SCP-5280-J are primarily located in the United States, Liberia, and 
(to a lesser extent) the United Kingdom and its commonwealths; 
these areas collectively comprise SCP-5280-J's primary 
containment area. While this area is inherently nonsensical, it has 
been deemed safe for habitation by civilians and personnel. 
Instances of SCP-5280-J have been located outside of containment 
in the past; however, these instances are not considered likely to 
spread SCP-5280-J due to its inferiority. 


Containment of SCP-5280-J is focused on attempting to eliminate its 
use on a case-by-case basis; administration of Procedure 101010 
("Dope Slaps") to subjects attempting to use SCP-5280-J is 
currently the most effective method of treatment. Repeated 
application of this procedure has been effective in curing subjects of 
habitual SCP-5280-J use in most cases; however, subjects raised in 
SCP-5280-u's primary containment area are, under most 
circumstances, incurable outside of scientific, technical, or otherwise 
professional contexts. 


Description: SCP-5280-J is a contagious meme that is comprised 
of several closely related sets of units that, theoretically, are capable 
of being used to express length, area, capacity, and mass. However, 
experimentation has shown it to be highly impractical for these 
purposes. While the basic units of measurements for length and 
mass are not inherently irrational, conversions between different 
units of the same quantity is unnecessarily difficult due to the 
apparently random conversion factors involved. As of yet, 
SCP-5280-J has resisted all attempts at eradication. This is believed 
to be an inherent anomalous property compounded by the extent to 
which it had spread prior to classification. 


SCP-5280-J had displayed several additional behaviors that the 
Foundation has deemed to be of concern, most notably: 


¢ Actually being used by hundreds of millions of people. This is 
believed to be an effect inherent in the culture of SCP-5280- 
J's primary containment area. Personnel are encouraged to 
adjust their opinions of said cultures accordingly. 
Appearing on measurement devices that are created in or are 
for sale in SCP-5280-J's primary containment area. While it 
typically appears alongside conventional metric units, some 
items, which are collectively designated SCP-5280-J-2, have 
been located which are labeled only in SCP-5280-J. No 
purpose for these items has been found, and all have been 
donated to Site 43's shooting range. 
¢ Appearance on reports submitted by recently recruited 
Foundation recruits. While this is easily corrected, repeated 
occurrence of an anomalous item affecting staff members is 
nonetheless cause for concern. Several staff members have 
individually claimed to make it their mission to correct all 
instances of SCP-5280-J found in official Foundation 
documents. Personnel are discouraged from alerting said staff 
as to the futility of their endeavors. 


Addendum: Further research has discovered several additional 
properties that have been deemed of note: 


* SCP-5280-J has a unit of length called a "furlong". Further 
investigation into how this was allowed to happen is required. 

¢ Subjects found using SCP-5280-J sometimes claim that it is 
superior to the metric system. Procedure 1231760 
("Facepalms") has been deemed an appropriate response to 
this behavior. 


A request to upgrade SCP-5280-J to Keter has been denied due to 
the fact that SCP-5280-J is just a mildly annoying and irrational way 
of doing things that people take far too seriously. 


SCP-damej-J: damej robit 


Item #: SCP-damej-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-damej-J is to be contained 
in a soundproof cell outside of Site-19, pointed away from the 
building. In the event that SCP-damej-J starts firing towards Site-19, 
it is to be spun around so it is once again firing away. Personnel are 
required to wear level 7A ear protection while communicating with 
SCP-damej-J, as well as during testing. 


Description: SCP-damej-J is a robotic automaton constructed out 
of wood and small pieces of twine. On its back is a sticker reader 
"tranfomr: robit is desguse, by researcher james age 101". 


Unfortunately, despite its significant state of disrepair, SCP-damej-J 
is still able to function as originally designed; that is, it is able to 
shoot bullets and talk. Testing has shown that SCP-damej-J hurts to 
listen to and look at to an unusual degree. 


Interview: 


Dr. Bill: Hello SCP-damej-J. 

SCP-damej-u: i fir gun. 

Dr. Bill: Excuse me? 

SCP-damej-u: i bork so i fir gun heh, heh heh. 
Dr. Bill: | see. How were you damaged? 
SCP-damej-J: Fine. 


Dr. Bill: ...excuse me? 


SCP-540: Tannenbombs 


Item #: SCP-540 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: All instances of SCP-540 are to 
be handled and stored according to standard protocols for similar 
non-anomalous live munitions, with the exception that all locations 
housing SCP-540 are to be equipped with a secondary overhead 
sprinkler system capable of dousing any given room with herbicidal 
compound H-540-IB9-4LM to a depth of 10 cm in less than 90 
seconds. 


All armories that contain SCP-540 are to be located a minimum of 
15 meters below ground, with monitoring and testing facilities 
located above ground, as part of Site 74-A. A secondary site, 
designated Site 74-B, is located 117 km away and is to maintain a 
fleet of firefighting aircraft, including no fewer than 10 airtankers. In 
the event of a partial or full containment breach of SCP-540 affecting 
more than 0.5 km? of above-ground land, this fleet is to be loaded 
with a variety of defoliants and herbicides, including Agent Orange 
and solutions of sodium chlorate, and proceed to inundate all areas 
affected by SCP-540. 


Description: SCP-540 denotes a collection of Soviet-era explosive 
ordnance of various makes. All instances can be detonated in the 
same manner as non-anomalous examples, and explode with a 
similar yield and blast effect. However, approximately 35-37 
seconds following the detonation, a mass of plant life will rapidly 
grow to cover the majority of the damaged area’. The initial growth 
rate of the plant life is positively correlated to the yield of the 
originating explosive, but returns to normal for the plant species after 
approximately 90 seconds. There are currently instances of 
SCP-540 in Foundation possession and an unknown number 
outside of Foundation control. 


SCP-damej-J: heh, heh heh u don get it stopid doktr. 
Dr. Bill: What's wrong with you? 

SCP-damej-J: im damej, creh, creh creh. 

Dr. Bill: (Aside) Why is he talking like that? 
SCP-damej-J: cuz damej i bork heh, heh heh fir gun. 
Dr. Bill: Why do you shoot bullets? 

SCP-damej-J: im damej. i maek damej. 


Dr. Bill: You keep saying "damej". What does that even 
mean? 


SCP-damej-u: It's my name, and it's Ukranian. 

Dr. Bill: Oh. Uh— 

SCP-damej-J: heh heh heh warn u get triggr of peen gun. 
Dr. Bill: What— 

SCP-damej-J begins firing from its crotch. Dr. Bill expires 
before hitting the floor. 


Testing Log: 


Test: SCP-damej-d is set in front of a cow. 
Result: SCP-damej-J shoots cow. 


Notes: SCP-damej-J noted as saying "he he damej cow tase 
luk chkn". 


Test: SCP-damej-d is tipped on its back. 
Result: SCP-damej-J rights itself using gunfire from its rear. 


Notes: /t called it the "buttgun". - Dr. Pulse 


Test: SCP-damej-J set in front of SCP-682. 
Result: SCP-damej-J shoots SCP-682. SCP-682 expires. 
Notes: ... What. - Dr. Aktus 


mor notz: he he he damej lizurd - damej robit 


Audio Surveillance Recording: The following audio file was 
recovered after an attack by SCP-damej-J on Site-19 which left 
several site researchers injured and one doctor dead. Notably, the 
doctor almost managed to survive the attack, but was dispatched by 
SCP-damej-u's final, ultimate weapon. 


WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT AND LOUD NOISES. If the player 
below will not function for you, you can access the audio via this 
link. 


Footnotes 

1. Any connections to the currently AWOL Researcher James who 
left the Foundation at age 8 after stealing many dangerous SCPs to 
form the "kAOs insuRgnc3e" are currently tenuous at best. 


SCP-SAFE-J: Some safes 


Item #: SCP-SAFE-J 
Object Class: Safe, Euclid, and Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: The dangers and difficulties of 
the safe and unsafe aspects of SCP-SAFE-J are still being 
determined. Please use your safest judgment when dealing with 
SCP-SAFE-J-A (the Safe component of SCP-SAFE-J), SCP-SAFE- 
J-B (the Euclid component of SCP-SAFE-J), and SCP-SAFE-J-C 
(the Keter component of SCP-SAFE-J). 


Description: SCP-SAFE-J is a set of 3 safes (all brand 
safes), which are visually identical to each other. SCP-SAFE-J-A is 
a Safe safe, SCP-SAFE-J-B is a Euclid safe, and SCP-SAFE-J-C is 
a Keter safe. Whilst the safety of each safe is implied by its object 
class (whether Safe or not Safe), the practical safety of each safe is 
outlined below. 


The Safe safe is safe for testing, and needs no extensive 
containment. The Euclid safe is safe, so long as it's not near the 
Keter safe, in which case only the Safe safe can return the Euclid 
safe back to safe. The Keter safe is never safe - its in-progress 
containment procedures attempt to keep this safe as safe as the 
Safe safe, but the Keter safe will never be as safe as the Safe safe 
or the Euclid safe. 


Current staff assigned to the SCP-SAFE-J safes are Dr. Safe, Dr. 
Euclid, and Dr. Keter. Dr. Safe is in charge of the Safe safe, Dr. 
Euclid is in charge of the Euclid safe, and Dr. Keter helps with both 
the Safe safe and the Euclid safe. The Keter safe is overseen by all 
three doctors, and it takes the combined efforts of Dr. Safe, Dr. 
Euclid, and Dr. Keter to ensure that the Keter safe is as safe as Dr. 
Safe's Safe safe and Dr. Euclid's Euclid safe. 


Recently, it's been found that macro-scale microwave emissions into 


Euclidean space by the Keter safe can heat up and thaw out food, 
drink, and other groupings of items that would be considered a meal. 
The meals thawed by the Keter safe's ability to thaw meals are 
designated SCP-SAFE-J-D, and can be used to keep the Keter safe 
safe (giving the thawed meals a Thaumiel object class). Thaumiel 
thawed meals are safe to use on Dr. Safe's Safe safe, Dr. Euclid's 
Euclid safe, and Drs. Safe, Euclid, and Keter's unsafe Keter safe. 
The safety of the doctors' Keter safe's Euclidian intrusion of macro- 
scale microwave emissions, and the safety of Thaumiel meals 
thawed by its ability to thaw meals, have been confirmed to be safe 
(but not Safe) by Dr. Safe, Dr. Euclid, and Dr. Keter. 


Safe to say, when all components of SCP-SAFE-J are safely 
contained (Dr. Safe's Safe safe, Dr. Euclid's Euclid safe, Drs. Safe, 
Euclid, and Keter's Keter safe, and the safe Thaumiel thawed meals 
caused by the safe (but not Safe) macro-scale microwave emissions 
into Euclidean space by the Drs. Safe, Euclid, and Keter's unsafe 
Keter safe), the whole entity of SCP-SAFE-J is considered Safe. 


SCP-006-CU-EX: Cuddly Cwawies 


Item #: SCP-006-CU-EX 
Object Class: Lifetime Companion 


Special Containment Procedures: All instances of SCP-006-CU- 
EX! are to be recovered by Mobile Task Force Phi-24 ("Exoskeleton 
Enthusiasts") and carefully brought to any Foundation site so they 
can be loved properly. It is imperative to Foundation operations to 
have a high SCP-006-CU-EX count in all dormitories, showers, 
cafeterias, gyms, and break rooms. We must have a chicken for 
every pot and a fly for every soup. 


Anyone caught attempting to brutally murder an instance of 
SCP-006-CU-EX like a cold-blooded son-of-a-bitch is subject to 
immediate termination. 


Description: SCP-006-CU-EX is the collective designation for a 
group of completely resplendent insectoids colloquially referred to as 
bugs’. They all are so sweet and have soooo many wonderful 
textures. Between the contained instances of SCP-006-CU-EX 
we've found all of the beautiful colors of the double rainbow on their 
exoskeletons. 


The feeling | get when an instance of SCP-006-CU-EX crawls on my 
skin makes me so giddy and bubbly that it has to be anomalous. All | 
want to do is hug them and hug them and never ever let them go. 


Addendum 006-CU-EX-01: 


As of / / it has been determined that Assistant 
Entomologist Johnson has been affected by a memetic 
hazard and is scheduled for immediate termination. 
SCP-006-CU-EX has now been classified as explained. - 
O5-1 


Addendum 006-CU-EX-02: 


| think he just really really likes bugs. It's probably not 
memetic, Obro-1. -Head Entomologist Patrick 


Addendum 006-CU-EX-03: 


Head Entomologist Patrick has been slated for 
immediate termination because he has clearly been 
affected by a memetic hazard also. No more bugs. We 
are once again at peace with nature. 


Footnotes 

1. Except for the ones with spiky parts. Those guy are meanies. 
2. Grated drains mind you. We CANNOT, | repeat CANNOT be 
washing our most valuable asset down the drain. 

3. EXCEPT FOR THE SPIKY ones. We do not talk about those 
around here. 


SCP-010-J: WHAT KETER | DON'T SEE ANY KETER 


Item #: SCP-010-J 
Object Class: Completely harmless, stop asking