Hello, Rosen. Due to the nature of my first few research 
assignments, I've been thinking of booby trapping my laptop to avoid 
the chance of someone stealing it and compromising containment. | 
already have a trigger program in place, but | was hoping you could 
help me with the payload. Assuming someone sets the trap off in a 
standard Site corridor, what type of explosive would you recommend 
that would avoid causing structural damage while still destroying the 
contents of the hard drive? 

-Junior Researcher Lander 


Let me get this straight, you're asking the guy in charge 
of equipment how to destroy the equipment he is in 
charge of? 


I'd recommend a proximity mine. 
~Rosen 


Note: 5-25-12 

The public printer near the cafeteria convinced me to build it limbs 
and a mobile power supply. After which it took my stun gun and left 
me on the ground drooling. When | came to it was gone, so basically 
I'm asking if you have you seen that traitorous little recall? 

-Assistant Emon 


Tagged and bagged my friend. Next time, try not to be so 
susceptible to a printer promising marble cake in 
exchange for "frikin' sweet augs." 

~Rosen 


Note: 5-29-12 

Hey did one of you guys see that new guy in IT come by just a few 
days ago? This chainsaw is starting to get kinda heavy... 

-Agent Convit 


...Groovy. 
~Rosen 


Note: 6-1-12 

Um, Rosen, the microwave in the eating quarters came to life again. 
Unplugging it didn't work this time. It's trying to kill me, apparently 
because | put that fork inside of it that one time. I'm currently hiding 
on top of the refrigerator, but | don't think I'll be safe for long. HELP! 
-Dr. Nyehcat 


...Have you tried to, y'know, walk away from it? 
Microwaves aren't exactly renown for their mobility... 
~Rosen 


MEMORANDUM TO ALL STAFF 

As of 6/25/2012, Senior Technical Researcher David 
Rosen has been temporarily relieved from his duties due 
to ongoing behavioral and disciplinary infractions that 
have recently come to light. Asshole thinks he can get 
away with putting those files on the net. As such, Doctors 
Adam Taylor and A. Courpse will be handling the 
department until he returns. They will also take care of 
his backlog. 

~Director Shannon Yurdtap 


Note: 06-11-12 
| DEMAND POPCORN AND VIRGINS! -The Microwave 


Greetings, O Great and Powerful Master of Electro- 
Magnetic Waves, Fiend of Appliances and Bane of 
Meatloaf. Attached to this document are 517 individual 


Unlike similar structures, SCP-557 includes five underground levels, 
constructed primarily of sandstone, apparently used as an ancient 
prison and containment site. 


Although living quarters and weapons for approximately _ staff/ 
guards exist on Level 1, the facility appears to have been slowly 
abandoned over the years, and empty since ca. 300 CE. Only two 
skeletons were found on Level 1. 


A substantial library of records was found on Level 1, in a number of 
ancient languages. Only the records in Egyptian and a final note left 
in Greek have been translated. 


Levels 2 and 3 are stated in the records to be a prison for “heretics 
and sorcerers” but appear not to have been used for up to 1000 
years before the site was abandoned. 


Level 4 is described as “a place for the abnormal.” Skeletons 
resembling SCP- and SCP-_ have been discovered locked away 
in stone cells, confirming the intent of the structure. 


Level 5 consists of a 51.2-m-long hallway filled with complex traps 
and deadfalls, leading to a single large (21.3 m x 19.7 m x 5.4 m) 
room, designated as 501. Although all of the traps appear to have 
been sprung or cleared, researchers should exercise caution. The 
door to Room 501, anachronistically composed of [REDACTED], 
was found torn down from the inside. Based on the distribution of 
dust in this area, this event happened only approximately 20 years 
ago. 


In the center of the floor of Room 501 is a partially buried 3.2 m x 
3.35 m granite block, estimated to weigh 80,000 kg. The block is 
covered with untranslated runes. A similar, thinner, block stands in 
the room and shows evidence that a living being [designated 
SCP-557-1] was chained to it, using chains from the same material 
as the door. No evidence of the continued presence of SCP-557-1 
has been found. Translated records only refer to SCP-557-1 as “the 
prisoner” with the exception of one reference in Egyptian to “the 
bastard son of Apep.” 


Addendum: Translation of a note found in the records room: 


popcorn kernels, as required by Foundation protocol 
regarding the maintenance and sustenance of malicious 
sentient kitchenware (See Attached Documents 127- 
F-1287 and SGD-133774-ND). The 'virgins' that you 
have requested will be delivered to your facility upon 
completion and delivery of forms 1362-182-(A-N), 
2HF-3-1723N, 163722-IHFT-1928-(A-F), and 
282331-1223-122144323 Sections 232-578. All 
deliveries of said forms must be made within seven (7) 
business days via Foundation First-Class parcel post to 
Foundation Appliance Maintenance, located within sub- 
level G of Site- . All forms must be completed by hand in 
triplicate using a black-ink roller-ball type .5mm pen. We 
appreciate your cooperation in this matter and hope that 
you are successful in your endeavors. 

~A. Courpse 


Note: 06-25-12 

I'm getting a "An Ethernet cord has become disconnectea" error 
here. Everything is connected on my end, so I'm guessing this might 
be a problem in your server room or however these things work. Any 
idea? | have some file work that needs to be sent to another Site, so 
the sooner the better. - Field-Agent Beam 


Yeah, ‘bout that. | recommend you send it through the 
parcel post. Maybe put it on one of those disk-y thingy if 
it's too much data for a floppy. Things might take a bit to 
sort out on the server end, Rosen got a bit drunk and 
messed about a bit with the wiring before he left. 


~ A. Courpse 


Note: 6-25-12 
Who is your favorite black person? -Agent Convit 


|... what? What?! This is not technical. 


~ A. Courpse 


Note: 6-25-12 

Researcher Eisenberg here. Some fuck messed with my computer 
as a part of some fucking prank, must have been during lunchtime. 
I'm not particularly eager to use Ubuntu 10.04, especially since the 
fucking automatic sampler only has drivers for Solaris 8. Well, had, 
since all the files in my home folder are currently named 
LYNX.LNX.some-fucking-number. Need it fixed somehow before the 
next set of samples need to be run through at 4. Thanks in advance. 
-Agent LYNX 


Hey Eisenstein, so | heard you needed a new 
computator. Thing is, | don't really know what a Ubuntu 
is, nor am | even sure which language that word 
originates from. Is it Swahili? | bet it's Swahili. It's almost 
always Swahili. Anyway, since we don't have any of 
those, | went into the store room and got you something 
to stand in till you can get that Cat-Based one sorted. It's 
uh..... Victor something. 20? | don't really know. The 
label's sort of weird-like. Anywho, enjoy. 

~A. Courpse 


Note: 6-26-12 

DAMMIT this is not fair! I've been trying to get myself reinstated as 
something above janitor level ever since that whole business with 
Pat, and now | find out other people are getting the assignments!? 
What does a man have to DO when it's been confirmed that he was 
wrongly demonstrationted just to get bumped back up!? 

On another note, since I've had to choose between leaving the 
Foundation and dealing with my current duties, I've decided to tough 
it out. Can someone replace the electronic lock on Supply Closet 3- 
B? It shouldn't even have a speaker on it, but every time | unlock it 
the thing yells at me in German. 

- FORMER Technical Engineer Kap 


| find that on the rare occasion that a man such as 
yourself, being of the janitorial persuasion, seeks to 
make great gains within this by all means indifferent and 
bureaucratic organization of ours, the best thing to do is 


raise yourself up by the boot straps, put on a brave face, 
get down to the nitty gritty, and sabotage the 
competition. Put smart bombs in their Cap-N-Crunch, 
add Vaseline to their gun-cleaner, heck, just go along 
and pop a needle chock full of a little bit of liquid cyanide 
between their oh-so-comfy covers. You do whatever it 
takes son, whatever it takes. 

In regards to your secondary (but of equal import) 
aquestionation, | recommend that you get Mr. Klopson 
down in engineering to have a look at the fellow. If 
anyone knows sentient-cabinetry of German make, it'll 
be Klopson. | heard that he once talked a deranged 
ceiling fan off a ledge. Yup, that Klopson is one heck of a 
talker. Shame that most everything he says is jibberish. 
Best Regards 

~A. Courpse 


Note: | don't know what the damned date is 
Can someone let me out of here? It's dark, cold and very boring. 
Also, my chains are really starting to chafe. ~Rosen 


Rosen, for the last time, take off those chains. We've told 
you time and time again that we're not bringing you 
anyone who's "down for some kinky business" at all. If 
you didn't bring the damned key in with you, then you 
deserve to chafe until you can be cleared. 

Also, how did you manage to get network access in an 
isolation chamber? Lemme know. 

-Dr. Taylor 


Note: 7-14-12 
What's the best way of getting a computer keyboard out of a tank of 
semen? - Dr. Edison 


Getting it out by yourself, because there's no way that 
I'm doing it. Oh, what a shame, we ran out of gloves just 
a couple of seconds ago, while you were reading this 
reply rather than getting the gloves that | never told you 
about. People just don't know how to do things 
themselves, honestly. 

-Dr. Taylor 


Note: 7-15-12 

So, | was playing around with some beakers the lab boys gave me 
and | accidentally turned my parrot into a laptop. Should | shoot it or 
keep it? It keeps saying it will have the fall of humanity soon. -Agent 
Thesson. 


Well, | wouldn't recommend hooking the little monster up 
to any ICBMs, if that's what you mean. All in all though, 
most Sentient/Malicious computational devices tend to 
be relatively harmless, just so long as the computer isn't 
too powerful and doesn't have a robo-gun hooked up to 
it. Tell ya what, if it works, keep it, and if it demands 
crackers, give it crackers. Just don't you be hooking that 
abomination up to the network. You would not believe 
the kind of sick bullshit a parrot looks at in its free time. 
~A. Courpse 


Note: 7-15-12 
Having issues with SCP-NET. Whenever | try to submit a report, the 
program freezes then BSODs. - Clef. 


Well, | don't really know what the problem could be, the 
program itself is usually pretty solid. It is, however, 
possible that you've got some sort of vir[EXTERNAL 
USER DISCONNECT: ERROR-8HGDSY67687SDG: 
FEED ME CRACKERS] 

~A.Courpse SQRAAAAK! 


Note: 7-17-12 

Hey, do you know why my code sequences keep getting re-written? 
I've got them backed up on the server, but | think one of the other 
researchers, or a skip are recompiling, and screwing with my 
recursive algorithms. Now half the hotlinks on the server are down, 
and there's ...a bunch of blinky lights next to a couple of the 
containment displays. Also, the algorithms have filled up 67 
petabytes with junk data, that | can't erase. No hurry though. - 
Technician Bryant 


67 petabytes? Shouldn't be too hard to erase. Just open 
up a task manager and... Wait, a petabyte is apparently 
pretty damn huge, according to this guide. Huh, one 


petabyte is a million gigabytes! Anyway, | have dealt with 
this before. Just use my 5-Step Program to Fixing a 
Computer: (results may vary) 

1) Practice your backswing a little. 

2) Go to the tallest point in the facility near an unbroken 
window. 

3) Put your defective piece of hardware on your tee. 

4) Draw a smiley face on the window. Spray paint or 
Sharpie, either will do. 

5) Smash the window's face in with the hardware, then 
ask Rosen to give you a new one. 

-Dr. Taylor 


Note: 7-17-12 

| know that I'm bad with any sort of coding, but | don't even know 
how this could possibly happen. | was tweaking the code on one of 
my programs to find out why it was running all weird, and now 
there's an image on my monitor of what looks like Winnie the Pooh 
stuck in a hole with the words "HELP I'M STUCK" written above it in 
a book typeface. | didn't want to requisition another computer since 
it would be a hassle and this one's probably still perfectly functional, 
but | still need to finish my work and | can't see a damned thing with 
a huge animated bear ass in the way. Could you get rid of it please? 
-Junior Researcher Chibi 


Chances are, you activated the "Feed Bear Honey" 
subroutine somewhere along the way. Now he's too fat 
to get out of the hole. You'll have to wait a while for him 
to slim down. By no means are you to feed him any more 
honey, no matter how much he pleads. There's no telling 
what he can do if he reaches critical honey mass, but | 
can very certainly guess they'll make a Godzilla-style 
documentary based off of it. | imagine that Oprah 
Winfrey will guest star in it. 

-Dr. Taylor 


AAAA! A-A!-A! 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAA! 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! 


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! -AAAAAAAAA! 


Congratulations, brave and noble hacker, through your 
intelligent and clever use of intellect and raw, 
unadulterated cunning you have successfully left me 
completely dumfounded and at an utter loss for words. 
Seriously though, | don't think you understand. This. Is. 
Officially. The Most. Intelligent. Thing. |. Have. Ever. 
Seen. Men could live for centuries, for millennia, 
gathering the knowledge and wisdom of their lands and 
many others, and still not reach the level of ability that is 
presented here. The magnificence of the thing, the sheer 
wonder that such a majestic creation can bestow upon 
us lowly and unworthy mortals, is far beyond the grasp of 
a mere man such as myself. | would thank you, but | 
believe to even involve myself with thee within society 
would be to ask too much, for | feel that one of such 
ability as yours is not fit for communication with mere 
men. Please, fine sir, do not attempt to contact me again. 
| feel that the magnificence of your presence would be 
too much for myself to bare. 

~A. Courpse 


Note: 7-18-12 

Hypothetically, in the instance that one of the janitors were to 
wander into a lab and be digitized by a combination of experiments 
which were in the room completely coincidentally, and then in 
another completely unrelated accident uploaded to an unknown 
network through a number of proxies. Which disk of SCP-335 would 
said janitor most likely be stored upon and what would be the best 
method of retrieval? This is a purely hypothetical situation of course, 
and | am, of course, completely not at fault for this having occurred 
around noon in this completely imaginary situation. -Assistant Emon 


Had this hypothetically happened at exactly 12:14 PM 
and had you supposedly been around and unwilling to 
aid your fellow co-worker, then | would suggest looking 
for the one with that might have his name on it. Of 
course, if you had coincidentally been recorded by yours 
truly, and if you perhaps enjoyed living, then | would very 


highly recommend that you go to room 386 with around 
$2,000 in fifty dollar bills. Come alone. Hypothetically. 
Dr. Taylor TOTALLY NOT DR. TAYLOR 


Note: 07-31-12 
My computer is literally shitting itself. Wat do. -Dr. G.W.