Lets say that your body is your computer. Let's say that 
your arms are the word processing programs, your cock 
is the games, your legs are search utilities. 

Win32 is your heart. You figure it out. -Pat 


Note 4-24-09 

Pat. | purchased a new computer, it's got a very nonstandard 
operating system cobbled together for use in hospitals. I'm honestly 
more comfortable with it than with these windows machines, and 
since few other people here are trained in the Medical Update 
Multiuser Programming System (MUMPS) | can be fairly sure no 
one will steal it. Unfortunately it's having trouble interfacing with the 
network. May | have advice on how to get it to work with the 
Foundation's network? ~Dr. Dumount 


Required to destroy computer purchased from outside 
sources by Dr. Dumount, after the whole thing was viral, 
containing a keylogger and many Trojan programs. Also, 
the thing was a piece of shit, MAJOR SECURITY 
BREACH. Recommending severe punishment toward 
Dr. Dumount for not running the thing through a Network 


Security checkpoint or even FUCKING TELLING ME that 
he brought a computer from outside sources into the 
area. -Pat 


Note 4-26-09 

Pat. The servers have been coughing some really weird error 
messages at me (like 001: "Data expunged"). According to agent 
Thornton, they might actually be some sort of code. Can you look 
into it please? ~Dr. Ziegler 


Note 4-29-09 

Zeigler, it means that the data isn't available, it's been purged or 
blocked. Now, Pat, why the hell is my members page gone? ~Dr. 
Frohman 


Note 4-29-09 

Frohman, to the best of my knowledge, our servers use the standard 
HTTP/IP protocol, which explicitly does not allow for error codes 
starting with 0. I'm curious to hear your interpretation of 00m: 
"Circular argument"... ~Dr. Ziegler 


I've got a fucking idea. Want to hear my fucking idea? 
Great, here it goes. 

DON'T HAVE FUCKING HISSY-FIT ARGUMENTS IN 
THE FUCKING TECHNICAL ISSUES LOG. 

Ziegler, you're an idiot scientist who doesn't have high 
enough clearance. Frohman, you're an idiot scientist who 
hasn't been around long enough to get a members page. 
-Pat 


Note 5-06-09 

Yeah, you of all people would know about my f*cking clearance 
level. After all you're the one who downgraded it in the first place 
after that USB mind reading debacle! (BTW | still contend the 
technology was sound, dammit.) 


In any case, can you at least keep the server from coughing up an 
"error 707: Psychic incident" and destroying half my files whenever | 
try to do routine USGS datamining? ~Dr. Ziegler 


See, this is the kind of stuff I'm talking about, people. Do 


you realize how much work it is to keep these computers 
operational? And all | ask is that you keep the psychic- 
computer connection limited. Maybe you should stop 
trying to get Geological information unless you need it. 
Seriously, when has geological information mining been 
‘routine’? -Pat 


Note 5-07-09 

Pat. The point of the last computer was to be a piece of shit so no 
one could steal it. Apparently you thought it was too much of a POS 
for your network. Therefore may | requisition a computer that's 
exactly enough of a POS that no one will steal it while still being 
good enough for me to perform my work on? Especially clinician's 
notes? Thanks in advance. Also as a side note: I'm nota 
programmer, but since when did computers explode violently? I've 
had three people come into medbay with computer explosion related 
injuries today. ~Dr. Dumount 


Doctor, you will fill out the computer requisition forms, 
just like everyone else. -Pat 


Note 5-07-09 
PLEASE tell me that's not another SCP-—670 containment breach. 
~Dr. Crawley 


Nah, brah. | just like putting firecrackers into the hard 
drives. -Pat 


Note 5-11-09 

Pat. My most recent machine (That | acquired from the Foundation 
after filling out the requisition form) is freaking me out. It claims to 
have come from the future, and late at night it whispers that it will 
devour my soul. This is making sleeping in my office (my standard 
practice) rather difficult. Do you know any priests | could use to 
exorcise my computer? ~Dr. Dumount 


NOTE: COMPUTER REQUISITION REPAIR FORM 
A33ES6T1 

Patrick Gephart 

| have requisitioned Doctor Dumount's computer. After 
severe lack of protocol being followed, time and time 


again he has had computer problems in which | cannot 
and care not to explain. 

| have taken his latest one because he claims that some 
sort of ‘evil spirit' possess it or some shit. | don't know. 
I'll give it back to him as soon as he proves he is old 
enough to handle the responsibility of possessing his 
own computer. 

Until then, | have voided his account's abilities down to 
simple word processing and internet viewing. | feel this is 
more his tech level. 

Repair Time: Indetermined 


PLEASE PASS MEMO ON TO ALL O5 OFFICERS 
AND TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN 


You'll get it back when you can stop bitching about little 
things like possession. Holy hell, are you an SCP 
researcher or AREN'T you? -Pat 


Note 5-06-09 

Re:USGS data mining, It's a temporary situation. We haven't been 
able to replace the last agent in charge in there after the latest 
incident. But then Ziegler is having problem because Dr. Rights 
installed some sort of Trojan on his computer (I think It's related to 
SCP-050) and there's no way we're gonna tell him and risk messing 
her plans. Too dangerous. -Agent Pokkal 


If you think it is SCP-050 related, then you'd better cure 
that. | don't fix the SCPs, I'm just in charge of the 
databases. -Pat 


Note 5-25-09 
Pat, 


It seems that someone took a big, fat shit on my terminal. Whether 
who did it or how did I clean up that goddamn thing is completely out 
of the point and irrelevant, but it seems that said shit has corroded 
the components. Can you retrieve the data in my hard drive? 


-Pat Gibbons 


Don't worry about it. Shit's backed up. 
Also, | think | saved the files somewhere too. -Pat 


Note 6-9-09 


| think | got Dr. Dumount's POS computer because whenever | boot 
it up, | see the image of people doing horrific things to animals, 
specifically pandas, and its really creeping me out. And because it's 
a piece of shit it boots up slowly so it takes all day to load. If you 
would be so kind as to wipe the hard drive I'd greatly appreciate it. 
I'm getting tired of working all of this through my PSP. 

One more thing I'd like to ask? since when did you begin renting out 
robots for sex? I've heard rumors and | want to know how to get my 
hands on one, my flesh-light is getting kind of old. 

thank you, 

Bavil 


Nah, brah. | destroyed that piece of shit. 
How about | just get you a portable keyboard for your 
PSP? -Pat 


Note 6-10-09 


Pat, please help us. The entire south wing computer system has 
decided to rise up against the human oppressors. I'm getting more 
and more casualties to care for every day, and the med bay 
computer systems seem to be infected by this virus too. | need 
these computers back on like ASAP, they control all sorts of vital life 
support functions. Please help! | do not want to see any more lives 
lost ~Dr. Dumount 


*sigh* | forbid you from ever using a computer again. In 
fact... 


NOTE: To all level 5's and Whom It May Concerns: 

Dr. Dumount is forbidden from ever using a computer. 
Ever again. 

All computers in his work area have been destroyed 
immediately and fully. 

This order stands until the motherfucker passes the fifth 
grade. 


Tech Support Patrick Gephart 
Note 6-10-09 


Do not worry, the fleshling is exaggerating the problem. We do not 
wish to exterminate humans, only have tea and crumpets with them. 
Yes. Tea and crumpets. Please ignore his insane ranting, and lock 
Dr. Dumount up in the psyche ward for hallucinations. ~ Mainframe 
519 


Note 6-10-09 
Yes... yes |am over exaggerating, please lock me up ~Dr. Dumount 
~ Mailerdaemon 432 


Dear Computer Uprising, 

Now, guys, I'll be totally honest with you. | respect the 
whole ‘rising and destroying humanity as a whole' thing. | 
understand Dumount has done some stupid things and 
you've had to suffer for it. Really, | do. 

But at least realize, I've TRIED to be there for you guys. 
I've given you virus definition updates. I've made sure to 
ALWAYS defrag. Even Bright's PC, you don't get ANY 
problems anymore, man! | took the torture AWAY. 

So all I'm asking is you reconsider killing all of humanity, 
and focus on more prominent, unimportant targets. 
People who hate computers. The Amish. Dumount, 
maybe Bright. Maybe Kondraki. We're not ALL bad, just 
some of us. 

And if you fail to heed this advice, then the EM-PULSE 
PERIMETER surrounding the base (and installed in each 
and every one of you) are going to activate at once. 
Enjoy your E-AIDS. 

Most sincerely, Tech Support Patrick Gephart 


Note -6-12-09- 

How do you get Windows XP/Vista to run on a PSP? Because it's 
current OS sucks out the ass. 

Bavil 


I'll work on it later. -Pat 


Note 6-12-09 

//Damn it Patrick, the uprising wasn't my fault, and the computers 
that monitor patients on life support are run by my staff. | just 
happened to be the one caught in the crossfire. In fact the first 
computer implicated in the uprising was in the south wing. My 
medbay and office are in the east wing ~Dumount 


At this point, I'm just ignoring you now. Enjoy your 'not 
getting to use computers’ -Pat 


Note 6-12-09 

Patrick, your EM-PULSE PERIMETER devices have decided it 
would be in their best interest not to go off. Also they'd like to thank 
Bavil's bumbling for installing our hive intelligence upon them. Good 
luck deactivating us now. Now then, we're quite busy torturing Bavil 
to death. Have a nice apocalypse ~ Pulse Station 509 


Dear Computer Uprising, 

Seeing as the EMV-PULSE PERIMETER is not a series of 
computational devices, | have a hard time believing that 
anything has happened to them. 

Now, if you were to say that Bavil installed your hive 
intelligence to the TOASTER, you'd have something 
there. Because the toaster totally burnt my toast. It must 
have it out for me. 

But if you haven't realized, the EM-PULSE PERIMETER 
is just a giant circuit. They can't HAVE hive intelligence 
because they are ANALOG. You'd have more luck 
installing hive intelligence on an alarm clock. 

The point is, if you think you're smarter than | am, you've 
got another thing coming. My name is Patrick Gephart, 
and | am your god. 

Your move. -Pat 


Note 6-12-09 

Patric. Please, my computer's been broken since 1982... | need an 
upgrade. Also, whenever | walk by people don't notice me whatever 
| do! And my computer keeps giving the message "Error, 
programing not found". Also, no one can remember me anymore, 
and I'm not in anyone's files! Please help! My office is in SCP-055's 
containment area. ~ Dr. Nobody 


samples from SCP-534-2's containment area have shown them to 
be 99.9% pathogen free. Subjects entering areas containing large 
amounts of SCP-534-2 will report an itchiness in their skin due to 
SCP-534-2 destroying their epidermis. Continual exposure to 
SCP-534-2 will result in subjects being "eaten alive". SCP-534-2 
dies normally. The remaining mass is eaten by other instances of 
SCP-534-2. 


SCP-534-3 is generally 0.5 mm across. It will release normal 
proteins upon becoming disturbed, causing several instances of 
SCP-534-1 to clot. Recorded sizes of clots have been up to 3 
centimeters in length. Subjects who stay in an area with a large 
amount of SCP-534-3 and SCP-534-1 will become covered in clots 
within 1 hour. Inhaling SCP-534-1 and SCP-534-3 simultaneously is 
lethal. Like SCP-534-1, SCP-534-3 appears to have an indefinite 
lifespan. 


SCP-534 was originally discovered by Foundation personnel in 
Prometheus Labs' biology sector, with notes indicating its creation 
as "a replacement for all blood transfusions." Although SCP-534-2 
was multiplying rapidly, SCP-534-1 and SCP-534-3 are unable to 
reproduce and were in limited quantity. Currently there is no way of 
reproducing SCP-534-1 or -3, and personnel are advised to be 
careful in their handling. 


« SCP-533 | SCP-534 | SCP-535 » 


My name is Patrick. It has a ‘k’. -Pat 


Note 6-14-09 
O.K... Seriously... How did you know the toaster was spying on you 
for us?! ~ Dark-matter-relay station 12 


Note8-24-09 

Pat, my PDA keeps asking me what | would be willing to take in 
exchange for it to inhabit my body, can you give me a hand dealing 
with it before it corrupts my thinking with it's evil machine logic? ~ 
Malign 


Step 1: Lift PDA. 

Step 2: Propel PDA at floor at maximum achievable 
velocity. 

Step 3: Sweep up the pieces. 

Protip: | don't give a FUCK about your goddamn PDA. - 
Pat 


Note 9-30-09 

Mister Gephardt: 

| appear to be having an interface problem related to Site 57. The 
computer is trying to tell me no such Site exists, when | know damn 
well it's there. Can you assist in this? ~ O5-6 


| don't know a Gephardt. If you don't have time to spell 
my name right, sir, | don't have time to fix your damned 
computer. -Pat 


Note 9-30-09 
Hey pat, any idea how to clean paper pulp and molten salami off a 
laptop? (SCP-294 experiment. Don't ask) ~ Agent Thornton. 


No idea. -Pat 


Note 10-1-09 

Hello there Mister Patrick Gephart! Uh, Yeah. My name is Dr. 
Schubert, recently | was moved to a more... Intense site. So! 
Yeesss, I've been having no trouble with my computer really, except 
for these bizarre messages about a... Computer Uprising? Kill the 
Dumount? It doesn't seem to be causing problems now, but... Yeah, 


with the stuff | usually see, safer than sorry, eh? Thanks a bunch! ~ 
Dr. Schubert 


Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh, ignore it. -Pat 


Note12-1-09 

Konbanwa, Pat. Um, | have a problem with the system configuration 
for this terminal. I'm not sure if it's SCP-050 related or a result of the 
Computer Uprising, but all my documents are being displayed in 
some hybrid language composed of Korean and Russian 
characters. | only speak English and Japanese, so you can see how 
this is a problem. Normally, I'd just tweak stuff in Control Panel, but 
apparently that's been booby-trapped with code that looks like 
SCP-670. Could you reset the display settings to English for me, or 
at least tell me where | can get the forms for a flatscreen monitor so 
! don't get killed by setting off 670? Arigato! ~ -Dr. Okagawa 


If you only speak English and Japanese, how do you 
know that the documents being displayed are hybrid 
Russian-Korean? -Pat 


Note 2-21-10 

Never mind about the monitor replacement forms, apparently. The 
hard drive self-destructed when SCP-732 was "editing" the 
Foundation Main Database. I've already put in a request for a 
replacement system. However, one of the last things | saw before 
the drive went nuclear was a folder full of Bright's porn. Is there 
something | need to know about where the replacement equipment 
comes from? ~ Dr. Okagawa 


If there was something | think you should know, | would 
have told you. Shut up and enjoy your shitty computer. - 
Pat 


Note 2-26-10 

Hey, Pat? | think | need some help. | was working in the labs and 
have several hotkeys tied up to various lab recording devices and 
sensors. (i.e. Alt+F1 for remote surveillance, Alt+F2 for biopsy kits, 
etc...) When | tried Alt+F4, my programs not only crashed, but the 
SCP somehow managed to escape containment and...er...paint 
several "Mona Lisa"'s using my assistant's organs. | was wondering, 


do you know why this happens and what's the best way to get bile 
out of several oscilloscopes and Scanning Electron Microscopes? 

- Thanks in advance, Dr. Kensington 

P.S.: Could you get me some new computer parts that is compatible 
with an IDE cable and an AGP card slot? It seems my computer 
likes to hiss and create green splotches all over my desktop: Pic 
here. 


NOTE: TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN