All of a sudden, a man in a cape jumped out 
from behind the bushes! Hahaha, said 
Dedede, you will never defeat my number one 
henchman, Thermodynamic Man! The caped 
man reached out his arm, and all of a sudden 
Kirby's temprature started going way up! Kirby 
jumped to the side to get out of the man's 
range, then sucked him up into his stomach. 
Then kirby swallowed him and started using 


his heat powers on Dedede, but he jumped in 
a river to cool off! So Kirby cooled the water 
down until it froze and hit the frozen Dedede 
with a super charged attack to beat the level. 
Remarks: 

On further inspection, this didn't really tell us 
anything we didn't already know. It fights, it 
gets eaten, it gets copied, the end. Either 
we're running out of meaningful tests, or I'm 
getting a bad case of writer's block. I'll see 
what | can come up with next time before | 
pass judgment on this. 


Date: 04/21/2017 

Summary: Further testing of SCP-3450 
Character created: Khor'gul, orc berserker of 
the Northern Wastelands 

SCP-3450 Excerpt: 

All of a sudden, a big green orc jumped out 
from behind the bushes! Hahaha, said 
Dedede, you will never defeat my number one 
henchman, Khor'gul the Berserker! The orc 
swung his heavy axe at Kirby, who dodged the 
attack by the skin of his teeth. Khor'gul swung 
again and again, but kirby jumped out of the 
way every time. All of a sudden, Kirby saw his 
opening! He sucked up the orc and swallowed 
him to get his axe powers. He swung at 
Dedede, who tried to dodge like Kirby did, but 
he was way too slow and fat! Dedede took 
massive damage and fell over dead. 
Remarks: 

Another dud. | think this story is really starting 
to get to me — even in my other assignments, 
! can't seem to contribute the way | used to. | 
can still handle facts and data just fine, but 
lateral thinking is a struggle. | think I'm going to 
take some time off for a while, just to get my 
mind back on track. Hopefully it'll be enough 
time to come with another useful test for this 


godawtul fanfiction. 


Date: 05/08/2017 

Summary: Further testing of SCP-3450 
Character created: Larry Plotter, 11-year-old 
apprentice wizard 

SCP-3450 Excerpt: 

All of a sudden, a boy jumped out from behind 
the bushes! "Hahaha," said Dedede, "you will 
never defeat my number one henchman, Larry 
Plotter!" The boy shouted a spell, and a beam 
of magic shot out of his wand right at Kirby. 
When the spell hit, all of a sudden Kirby 
became super dizzy! He tried to suck up Larry, 
but he missed and inhaled a rock instead. He 
turn and spat the rock at Larry, who was 
stunned long enough for Kirby to get his 
balance back and suck up the wizard. After he 
swallowed, he cast a spell at Dedede to turn 
him into a harmless frog. 

Remarks: 

Larry Plotter. | soend two whole weeks 
thinking of a new character, and all | can come 
up with is Larry freaking Plotter. 


What the hell is wrong with me? | don't think 
it's just simple writer's block anymore. It's more 
like... there's nothing left to block. Like this 
story has just sucked me dry of everything | 
have to give until there's nothing left. | can't 
write, can't work, can't think, can't do anything 
except watch all my originality slip away. 


| am so sick of this goddamn story. Sick of this 
goddamn puffball and this goddamn penguin 
and this goddamn "all of a sudden" every other 
goddamn sentence. I'm going to try this one 
last time, and if it still doesn't work... | don't 
know. 


Date: 05/09/2017 


Summary: Test failure 
Character created: N/A 
SCP-3450 Excerpt: N/A 
Remarks: 

| couldn't do it. 


| stayed up all night trying to make something 
new, but nothing worked. When | got to work 
today, | opened up SCP-3450, scrolled past 
Chapter 1, and it just ended. Nothing there. | 
feel like 


| feel like 
Shit. | can't even think of a metaphor. 
| don't know what to do. 

+ Addendum 05/25/2017 


Addendum 05/25/2017: On 05/24/2017, Junior 
Researcher Rivera was released from Foundation 
employment due to a lack of productivity and problem- 
solving aptitude. Attached is a memorandum from Site 
Director addressing the incident. 


Dear Dr. Rivera, 


If you're reading this, Dr. Evans has just 
informed you that we're letting you go. | 
assume he's gone over all the details — 
benefits, severance pay, amnesticization, that 
sort of thing. | asked him to give you this 
message, since | think your circumstances 
warrant an explanation, even if you won't 
remember it. 


| had hoped it wouldn't come to this. The 
eagerness you used to bring to the lab 
reminded me of myself when | was in your 
position. | had so much confidence in you. But 


you haven't contributed to any of your 
assignments in weeks, and we both know your 
condition isn't getting any better. We're up 
against some of the weirdest stuff the universe 
has to throw at us, and there's only enough 
room here for those clever enough to deal with 
it. This isn't easy, and it isn't fair. But it's what 
has to be done. 


We're sorry, Valeria. We all wish you the best. 


SCP-3451: The Shade Closet 


Item #: SCP-3451 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3451 is to be secured ina 
locker of its own dimensions. This locker is to be located in the Site- 

Containment Vault and access restricted to Level-3 personnel. 
During testing, this locker is to be placed in an indentation at the end 
of a 15-meter hallway, limiting exposure to as much of its surface 
area as possible, to prevent uncontrolled contamination. 


SCP-3451 is to be monitored at weekly intervals for evidence of 
behavior previously unrecorded by Foundation personnel. Following 
the events of Interview Log- 3451-1, SCP-3451 is to have 25 30kg of 
live fish inserted in its interior every 72 hours. Suitable lighting is to 
be provided to ensure that the shadows of the fish are to be cast on 
SCP-3451's interior. Should SCP-3451 produce a creaking sound 
with no visible source, an additional 10 kg of live fish are to be 
provided, and the incident reported and logged. 


Description: SCP-3451 is a wardrobe constructed of mahogany. 
The exterior contains various scratch and claw marks, as well as 
additional signs of physical trauma. The twin doors of the cabinet 
are not attached to SCP-3451 and their location is unknown. Despite 
physical trauma, structural integrity remains high. 


SCP-3451’s anomalous properties manifest when exposed to the 
shadow of any living creature. Shadows cast partially on SCP-3451 
will slowly extend and expand onto SCP-3451, until a duplicate 
shadow of identical proportions to the original is produced. Should 
this occur, any shadow cast on SCP-3451’s exterior will begin to 
behave in an independent manner to its original caster. During this 
time, the shadows may move about the surface area of SCP-3451 
freely, but appear incapable of moving on any other surfaces. Six 
hours after exposure, both shadows and subjects will exhibit signs of 


declination and continue to deteriorate at an accelerated rate until 
they expire from malnutrition. Human subjects report a feeling of 
overwhelming sluggishness, and eventually fall unconscious within 
five hours. Attempts to combat this deterioration with food and water 
in human subjects have yielded negligible results. Upon the 
expiration of the physical subject, the corresponding shadow will 
fade from SCP-3451 within two minutes. 


Discovery Log: The item was recovered from a waste disposal 
plant in , Ireland. Agents were alerted to a possible anomaly 
following reports by local law enforcement of a string of unusual 
deaths of workers in the plant, relating to malnutrition. SCP-3451 
was successfully contained without incident and amnestics were 
administered to all relevant parties. According to the testimonies of 
two employees, SCP-3451 had been brought to the plant by an 
unknown civilian party, two days before the first deaths had 
occurred. Attempts to locate the original owners of SCP-3451 are 
currently ongoing. 


+ Access Addendum-3451-1 


Cooperation with local law enforcement has resulted in 


the detainment of Andrew B , who later confirmed 
himself to be the previous owner of SCP-3451. 
Suspicions were raised when B , reportedly a 


normally docile neighbor, evacuated his family from his 
home on 09/11/20 _, resulting in many neighbors 
believing a domestic dispute had taken place. 
Foundation agents were dispatched when mention of a 
wardrobe that matched SCP-3451's description was 
recorded in his testimony weeks later. Its anomalous 
properties were not referenced. It was also noted that Mr 
B 's abode resided within a 5km radius of 
SCP-3451's recovery site. An interview was shortly 
arranged to determine the history of SCP-3451. 


Interviewed: Andrew B 
Interviewer: Agent Cr 


<Begin Log> 


Interviewer: Sir, my name is Agent Cr __, and 
I'm just here to ask you a few questions. The 
more cooperative you are, the faster you can 
be on your merry way back to your family. 
Sound fair? 


Andrew: [Interviewee glumly nods, and 
straightens to attention] 


Agent Cr _: So first, how did you come to be 
in the possession of the wardrobe? 


Andrew: Well, | inherited it. It's not exactly the 
type of thing I'd own o' my own will, y'know. 
Especially with the kids. T..That's why | got rid 
of it in the way that | did, see? | don't want 
nothin’ to do with that thing anymore. 


Agent Cr — : Inherited, you say? From whom? 


Andrew: Me granddad. And listen, before | go 
on, y'know, Granddad was a bit of a nut job. 
Not a dangerous one, mind you, but the evil 
eye was his default expression. Didn't much 
care for no one. So one lazy summer 
afternoon, me ma has the grand idea of letting 
her youngest little monstrosity soend some 
quality time with the oldest monstrosity in the 
neighborhood for a day. "Bonding" was the 
word she used (rolls eyes). Anyway, both of us 
are sitting there, completely in sync with how 
uncomfortable we were, sittin’ in the livin' room 
armchairs, silently beggin’ for the ordeal to be 
over. For whatever reason, Granddad decided 
to take the initiative. "Y'like weird stuff, kid?" 
he asked. 


Agent Cr __ : | take it the wardrobe entered 
the equation soon after? 


Andrew: (grimaces) You bet. Most kids chat 
or go fishin’ with their granddads. | got to throw 
live rats into a haunted wardrobe in the attic 
with mine. 


Agent Cr _ : Rats, you say? 


Andrew: Probably shoulda started with that. 
Yeah, small crate of 'em, poor bastards. | just 
went along with the "exercise", his words, 
‘cause | thought if | didn't, I'd be very shortly 
making that damn wardrobe my new abode, 
earthly or otherwise. The arsehole never said 
it, but his eyes sure did. 


Agent Cr _ : Did your grandfather ever make 
any reference to how the wardrobe came into 

his possession? Bought it, build it, found itina 
haunted house maybe? 


Andrew: Would you believe me if | told ye that 
the thought never occurred to me? | was eight 
at the time. It could have been possessed by a 
Venus goddamn flytrap, for all | cared to know 
about it! 


Agent Cr _ : Was this the first time you had 
been made aware of the wardrobe and its 
anomalous properties? 


Andrew: | knew he went into the attic a lot. | 
never really questioned that part. | mean, what 
kid doesn't want to live in an attic? But, yeah, 
that was the first | saw it in action like that. It 
was also the first time | had ever seen him 
happy like that. Well, maybe "happy" isn't the 
word. "Fascinated", more like. That's positive, 
right? Seein' that thing suck up the shadows 
like a really slow hoover? Never seen anything 
like it before or since. 


Agent Cr __ : There were no subsequent visits 
or experiments? 


Andrew: (Subject shifts uncomfortably, then 
shakes his head) |f tha’ were the end o' it, | 
don't think I'd be sittin' here. (Subject pauses 
for several seconds) We kinda' made a habit 
of goin’ to the attic every second visit, so.... 
four times a year? On the condition that he be 
the one clean up the rats when it was finished 
with dem’. He didn't seem to mind. | sure as 
sin wasn't goin’ to get my hands dirty for his 
curiosity, with nothin’ to show for it. 


Agent Cr _ : Did your grandfather reveal 
anything else about the wardrobe during your 
time together? 


Andrew: Well, | don't know if it was just me, 
but the thing had a wee bit of a personality, | 
reckon. Not a malicious or evil one, | should 
add. It just acted like a fungus, taking whatever 
was thrown at it, bugs, me’ leftovers, and’ as it 
turns out, bloody micorobes. He tested a 
coupla swabs an’ everthin'. Tha’ attic mighta 
been the most sterile in all the world. Anyway, 
eventually, the auld geezer struck a deal with 
me. We'd start making a log o' things we'd 
throw into the wardrobe and see what it liked 
best. I'd get a good coupla’ bob for bringing 
back anything bigger than a rat. He'd record 
the data, and "see what it found most 
comfortable". 


Agent Cr — : What sort of things did you need 
to find? 


Andrew: Roadkill, mostly. Those years were a 
bit of a mixed bag. One the one hand, | was 
makin’ money while everyone else made do 
with whatever they dared steal from their 


Notes: "Hey, has anyone seen my phone?" - Agent Palhinuk 


Date: / / 
Test Subject: One (1) Trojan condom 


Procedure: Dr. A placed the condom on his [DATA EXPUNGED] 
and applied SCP-447-2 onto it. He then tested the SCP-447-2- 
covered condom by [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Results: [DATA EXPUNGED]. Dr. A reports that the procedure 
"went really well." 


Notes: "| could market this as that kind of lubricant, but | don't think a 
warning label is enough to ensure that some necrophiliac doesn't 
use it on a dead body."—Dr. A 


Date: / / 
Test Subject: Three (3) cars: one (1) 2006 Honda Civic, one (1) 06 
Dodge Stratus, one (1) 06 Chevy Malibu 


Procedure: SCP-447 was used as liquids in each vehicle-mixed 
equally with oil, used as window washer fluid, and mixed into the 
radiator. 


Results: Each car had each liquid added individually. The various 
components of each engine performed with superb results: 


-The Honda's radiator did not overheat until temperatures reached in 
excess of 340° Celsius, more than twice the average temperature of 
a vehicle. The water seemed to be tinted green even after being 
drained. 


-The Stratus's windshield was cleaned to factory-new perfection, 
and resisted dirt and grime after use; Side effect described as 
green-tinted glass. 


-The Malibu's engine components were lubricated to perfection and 
lasted over 160,000 miles on a dynamometer; exhaust was tinted 
green. 


parents wallets. On the other hand, (Subject 
leans in) do you have any idea how awkward it 
is to explain to your privacy-hatin' mother why 
you have a decomposing badger tucked away 
under your bed? 


Agent Cr _—: Can't say that | have, no. 


Andrew: At least "public service" was a good 
enough excuse when | was caught by a Garda 
one time with a bloody shovel and a rancid 
bag on the side o' the road. As it unfortunately 
turned out, if it wasn't still kickin’, it didn't do 
any good. We settled on him feedin’ it rats, 
and me, fish I'd catch upstream. | remember 
salmon not lasting more than a minute, while 
trout lasted a good half hour. Savouring its 
meals, | suppose. 


Agent Cr _ : Did the visits become more 
frequent? 


Andrew: | won't deny | was gettin’ just the 
teensiest bit fond of the visits. | never met me 
gran, but | haven't heard anything but saintly 
visions of her. He told me that when he found 
the wardrobe, wherever he did, he was ina 
very bad place at the time. Figured there was 
a reason Ma tried to get away and marry me 
Dad as early as she did. | guess having a pet 
gave him a reason to keep going, y'know. 


Agent Cr ___: Were you scared of the 
wardrobe by this point?