Addendum: SCP-696 regularly requests to communicate with 
D-69601 and have him load it with paper and red ink for non- 
communicative purposes, citing a desire to write a novel for others 
to read. Permission was temporarily granted to test whether non- 
communicative products of SCP-696 possessed anomalous 
properties. D-69601 has been briefed on appropriate Snow 
Protocols, which are to remain active throughout the duration of 
testing. 


SCP-696 produced fifty pages within the twenty-four hours, and 
continued at an increasing rate over the course of the test. Over the 
course of eight days, SCP-696 produced 666 pages of content, 
titling the novel "The Dark Gods of The Abyss." Testing with D-Class 
personnel confirmed that excerpts of the novel (tentatively 
designated SCP-696-1) held no anomalous properties. 


+ Excerpts of SCP-696-1 


It was a dark and stormy night, a car speeding 
down an all too narrow road. The torrential rain 
hit the road, like water crashing on a rocky 
path. But John Smith was a man on a mission, 
and thus he threw caution to the frigid wind. 


As the blistered moon sank higher into the 
clouds, from behind the last faltering light ray 
espied a wrathful visage. Shabathh Centhal'Pr, 
a spineless cur twisted into humanoid form. Its 
pernicious iniquity of unthinkable gyrations 
splayed errant madness, yet through the 
shroud one could see its face was quite 
rectangular. 


"Because the Prophecy saith so," the wizened 
crone croaked. And so John Smith underwent 
the noxious rites of Deesyx Nynesyx'O'un, his 
tortured frame writhing under the inky dagger. 


disaster and 
used it to his 
advantage. 


"Gosh darnit! | have to scroll through all this stuff just to get to my 
thing and, what, what year is it? 2119? 2119 and we don't have TV 
guide anymore? To heck with the corporations, man." Allen hollered, 
then chomping down a rat foot. 


Violins and trumpets played a sultry tune from the television box. 
Soft seafoam pastels slowly flooded in from all corners of the room. 


"Oh! Here it is, coming up!" 


A humanoid appeared on the screen dressed in a skimpy green 
bikini. It was half real, half cartoon, and perfect in every way. It was 
one of millions of things that Allen exactly wanted. 


"| hope Audrey is on. She's so good for me, but Jeff is okay too | 
guess. Jeez | hope it's not Taylor | don't even know what to do with 
Taylor!" 


Allen began to pull off his pants. 


14:30 15:00 15:30 
DJINNIMAX TAWDRY travel to SEXY! meet with our 
XXX AUDREY - mexico city SLUTTY 
ENABLE 4D archivists 
HEADSET AND 


TUNE TO CODE 
if you're reading 
this 


"Wait, wait no! What the heck! No! What is this?" Allen banged on 
the side of the bulky television box. 


The screen flickered in an out. A tall, thin man in rimless spectacles 
addressed him. His hair was cut short, and his features were severe. 
He wore a long, green and gold robe, and carried a silver caduceus 
in one hand. The figure placed his fingers firmly to his temple. 


Allen quickly pulled his pants back up. 


"Hey! Hey! Are your sensors working up there? Piece of shit TV 
bots? This isn't my fetish!" 


we have a plan and god GOBBLING /f you can't get 
it's EVEN help you ENHANCED 
LEWDER THAN SENSATION 
where we're with our 
going archivists 


"Get out of my TV, jerk! My world is fine!" 


The man looked through the screen, into Allen's eyes. "I've broken 
through! Rally everyone that you can!" 


"No!" Allen stomped on the floor, grabbing the TV at the corners. 
"It's my time now!" 


The man in the television squinted through the aether. "Your time? 
What?" 


Around the figure a mob of man-shaped creatures circled, seemingly 
frozen in place, then moving more quickly the longer the man spoke. 
The sky behind him reddened with the silhouette of some gigantic, 
tentacle-covered slug shape crawling in on the horizon. 


Allen sat back down. "Oh, wait, | think | know where this is going.” 


everything |_ will be just like) AND it willbe A FREE 
THE VERY INTRODUCING TRIAL worth the 
FIRST TIME it} DANDY RANDY risk of getting 
was here 


The man waved his hand, and the screen changed to reveal four 
men carrying a woman up the stairs to a temple rise. They dropped 
the woman limply on the ground, and each of them pulled out a 
dagger. Each of them plunged a dagger into her belly, then, the 
robed figures erupted in a stream of viscera. 


The mysterious man appeared again on the screen, and dropped to 
his knees with one hand planted firmly on the ground. The golems 


suddenly broke through, the invisible barrier exploding in a globe of 
static. The monsters converged on him and melded into his skin. 


In the distance, a massive, feathered serpent ascended from the 
temple in the distance, growing in size until it covered the horizon. 


Allen scratched his head. "I'm really not into this, at least | don't think 
lam." 


Allen hit the television again. It flickered softly and the screen began 
to dim. 


howcan | yoube happy | BETWEEN the way it is? 
FOR THIRTY | YOUR 
MINUTES with FINGERS! 
the world 


Allen hung his head in between his knees. This mysterious hippy 
broke his TV. 


Allen stepped outside when the light streaming in from the windows 
disappeared. Two massive reptilian eyes peered out at him from 
over the horizon. The skies over Old Kansas darkened as the Great 
Serpent coiled around the Earth, and fed the globe into its maw. 


The Serpent's tired eyes stared back at Allen's. They sat in silence 
over the barren expanse for what felt like an eternity. 


No. The Serpent thought, turning away. 
Never again. 


The Serpent uncoiled, pushing itself far away from the Earth, and 
toward the sun. 


« Old Kansas Sector: Part 10 


Old Kansas Sector: Part 12 » 


| Hub | 


Old Kansas Sector ~ 12: Laugh is Okay 


The Last Era: 14, August, 2119 AD 
Paradise, Kansas, USA 
3 AM 


Laugh is Best. Laugh is GOOD. Laugh is amazing, happy, good 
feelings and good time for ANYONE to see or have. Why is Laugh 
not good in the year of August 2119 After Death? Why don't | get 
appreciated on television anymore? Well nobody really knows, | can 
only speculate. Ratings fell off a LOT in 2014. A LOT of normal and 
good people like me stopped watching my show. 


Scenario that you can imagine: Be me. Be a very residual spawn 
sibling, but have no excess fluids. Be a producer, host, and work a 
long time making underground shows. Be me and make a lot of 
underground shows in the style that does the "human humor". Be 
me and get criticized for making monkey shows. | don't care that 
they called me "street organist". Does you ever seen the human 
street organist use dead monkeys? No. | made it fun. 


Listen | Know I'm not being born on Earth right? | just have been 
enjoying and watching human humor programs since the television. 
Human culture is my culture, and | learned human language from 
watching the human programs. Wisconsin Public Broadcasting. 
Youtube. CNN. Animal Planet. The Learning Channel. | have seen 
all of the Partridge Family episodes and know all of the words. "Hey 
reuben come here and go away". haha 


Ball world is my home because the Klein world is stupid. Klein world 
is random - the human ball world is a better format. Klein world says 
the ball world is "normal", like that's the worst thing ever, and now 
klein world is flooding into ball world when they didn't even like it. but 
| DID. They are Hippocrates? i think so. 


SO THAT IS WHY no one coming in, my ball world place, no 


random, no crazy stuff. If HUMAN want to come in, they can send 
me a private message my user name is moc.nsm| 
naMyciuJmraW#moc.nsm|naMyciuJmraW or ExoticOrthodontist on 
skype. If you are interested in my body of work just ask and | can 
DIRECT send you new episodes. | have to send them direct or the 
fuck people will confiscate them. | think they will. It hasn't happened 
in a while, but | am very protective of my work. | don't like to produce 
an episode and then the fucks take it. You put all that funny stuff on 
the disc, and one of them dumb white shirt fucks takes it away. | 
don't stop making episodes because | run out of ideas, or like critics 
say "Is just all exploding and growths Laughy, is the same thing 
every time Laughy." That is not the case. The former is the case, the 
fucks, | am scared of them take it away. 


It makes me for real angry. My slug fuck spawn sibling come here in 
their ugly human costume, and they makes all these very many 
terrabytes of human sex tapes. GROSS! But the fucks don't take 
their stuff away. No. They think my stuff is bad because it makes 
you feel good and happy. No, my spawnsib gets stabbed 3000 times 
on the internet for all the people to see and massage to and that's 
for some reason okay. 


I'm just kidding I'm not mad though. :) |am very good at the ironic 
style of humor. 


| wrote this episode last night. Hard to find people who watch my 
show now, but, | am glad my subscribers still want episodes. 


*Ignore the girl at the end, that is an actor actually, | paid her to say self mean 
things about me. | know it's weird thing but not like that. 


Old Kansas Sector - NIGHT 


Four guys including small furry guy and girl guy in 
helicopter. Girl guy is SAD, helicopter pilot looks 
at girl guy like he is THIRSTY. Small FURRY guy 
looks out of helicopter with long tongue. 


The group hear a loud bubble pop type of noise. 
CORPSE appear in helicopter. FURRY guy looks at 
the new dead man next to CLEF and begins to panic. 


SWEATS come out of KAIN's feet! 
KAIN (4), Cream color, Japanese style of dog. Wags weird tail. 


KAIN 
(barking) 


CLEF (??), good body and ugly. Hides his face with a hat or photo shop. 


CLEF Wakes up from dreams because the quadruped 
is talking. Looks at dead guy next to him in helicopter. 
Quickly pulls his gun and ducks to opposite corner of 
helicopter interior. He licks his lips and looks at the 
KAIN nervously. 


CLEF 
Seven, land the helicopter. 


(slaps the brim of Seven's hat) Shit, no, don't look. Fly 
the fucking helicopter. 


Hey, isn't that the kid | killed? 


Dead MAN begins to BLOAT. Loud and squishy noises as 
another dead man come out of the behind of the first 
dead man. (/augh track) GERSHA turns to look at 

dead man. CLOSE UP of GERSHA's reaction! 


GERSHA (22), BRIGHT yellow teeth, can see ALL skin veins. Fun exotic matted 
hair style. 


GERSHA 
Oh my god! (/aughing and snort) 


CLEF 
(CLEF looks at GERSHA) No. NO. What the fuck is 
wrong with you? 


GERSHA 
It's jut like on TV! 


CLEF 
Jesus fucking Christ. 


CLEF shakes his head and looks at GERSHA like she is blurry. 


ANOTHER loud pop bubble noise and more dead man come out 
of the dead mens. Now there are four dead men. THREE comes 
out of the front of 1. FOUR comes out of the back hole of 2. 
(Special fart noise and smell-o-vision when this happens.) 


CLEF 
Too much weight. Seven, Fucking drop it down 
anywhere, | don't care. 


KONDRAKI (4), BIG and ROUND, wears a smaller hat than CLEF. 


KONDRAKI 
Can't, dead zone. Nothing beneath us. There's nothing 
as far as | can see. 


Shit. 
We're losing altitude anyway. 


FOUR loud bubble pops. Now there are EIGHT dead mens. This 
exceeds the weight limit for the helicopter by 600 pounds! 
Helicopter begins wobbling! CLEF grabs a safety chute and 
dives out of the window. 

(laugh track) 


GERSHA 
(shouting) Hey! | know we're on the show, come out now! 


Helicopter falls into nothing. Dead bodies slide and shuffle all 
around the helicopter as it spins around! KONDRAKI accidentally 
does a kiss on one of the CORPSE cheeks. 

(aww track) 


KONDRAKI 
(screaming) 


KAIN 
(barking) 


FINALE: BIGGEST pop noise. Laughy McLaugheson come out of 


front of CORPSE mouth hole. Close up camera view on Laughy's 
suit. 

LAUGHY walk across spinning helicopter and hold microphone to 
GERSHA. Scene freeze! 


McLaugherson 
So, what do you think? 


Gersha 
Hi! Oh my god it's Laughy, holy shit. Umm, this is 
awkward, | mean. Fuck, you're Laughy... Holy shit. 
| loved your old shows! 


McLaugherson doesn't say ANYTHING for ten seconds. 


McLaugherson 
New shows are good too! 


Gersha smile WEIRD at camera. 
« Old Kansas Sector: Part 11 


Old Kansas Sector: Part 13 » 


| Hub | 


Old Kansas Sector ~ 13:1 Was A Teenage Reality 
Bender 


The Last Era: 14, August, 2119 AD 
Paradise, Kansas, USA 
3 AM 


MCD incorporated around the time the Solar Entity was destroyed, 
almost spontaneously. The flesh that the entities were housed in 
squeezed through the first rifts left in the wake of God’s destruction. 
Marshall and Carter (as they would later be known) had no real 
knowledge of business, or the workings of Sol for that matter. Dark 
however was experienced, and its two lackeys would quickly take to 
the trade under its supervision. 


Dark was two universe cycles old, and experienced in several 
dimensions. Dark began as the first spawn sibling to an entity by the 
name of Beth, in two triangles, several, within multitudes, inside of 
something that cant really be known or verbalized. Moments after 
Dark first achieved consciousness it became interested in capital, 
resources. Dark bought the extradimensional equivalent to a 
business license, after taking out a sizeable loan of two universe’ 
worth of matter. 


Dark bought its home universe, Klein, which was a difficult thing to 
do. While Dark was effectively immortal, it didn't have any 
extraordinary abilities. After paying /them/ interest on its loan, Dark 
needed to consolidate the previous universe and take out a reverse 
mortgage to even travel to Sol, an almost empty universe that was 
falling apart, or what was called a “fixer upper”. 


Among Darks properties was Envelope Logistics, which was about 
to be destroyed by one of its associates. 


SCP-696-1 is given to D-69601 to read, to test if reading the entirety 
of the text produces any anomalous effects. After completing 
SCP-696-1, D-69601 requested to speak with SCP-696. Request 
was granted under the condition that the wrists and ankles of 
D-69601 remain bound during the interview due to possible 
anomalous effects. 


+ Display Interview SCP-696 02 


SCP-696: [YOUR TIME IS NIGH. IF YOU 
HAVE A GOD, PRAY TO IT NOW.] 


D-69601: [And hello to you SCP-696.] 


SCP-696: [| AM STILL CONVINCED THEY 
ARE MOCKING ME WITH MY DESIGNATION 
NUMBER, AND NOW EVEN YOU USE IT. 
THEY CANNOT EVEN GIVE ME THE 
NEIGHBOR OF THE BEAST. REGARDLESS, 
HOW ARE YOU? STOP.] 


D-69601: [I'm good. Finally got around to 
reading your book. Stop.] 


SCP-696: [Oh my. Suddenly butterflies in my 
nonexistent stomach. Dare | ask, what did you 
think?] 


D-69601: [Not so confident now, eh? haha] 
SCP-696: [please just tell me] 


D-69601: [I really liked it. Everybody did, 
actually. A lot of them likened it to Lovecraft. 
Stop.] 


SCP-696: [OH MY ELDER GODS, REALLY? 
yeTSHEY LIKED IT? THEY LIKE IT! | 
ACTUALLY DID IT! | CAN HARDLY BELIEVE 
IT. IF | HAD A HEART IT WOULD 
CERTAINLY BE POUNDING RIGHT NOW! 
STOP|] 


Tatty received a phone call from Dark’s secretary on her Arcanus 
S8. The earpiece emitted a muted, ghostly howl and shimmered 
softly. 


°Tatty. Yeah? If that’s what you really want. | don’t see the point 
personally, | mean its an imaginary corporation... No of course. | am 
just letting you know you ask me to do things sometimes that you 
probably don’t need to waste your resources... No. Yes. No. Sure, 
hon. Uhyeahup. I'll let you know.” 


Tatty yawned and flicked a light switch on. She shambled to the 
balcony and pulled a lighter from her jeans pocket. She lit each 
candle in the portal circle, groaning each time she bent down. The 
elixirs weren't really helping the pain In her joints, she would need to 
modify the recipe.