Upon hearing it, she looked down, and was now consciously aware 
that something was having sex with her feet. The toad-boot thing 
curled the side of its rubber lips into a grotesque approximation of a 
smile. She returned the favor. 


"Do yourself a favor, would you, thing?" she croaked out. "Don't 
waste your breath. Its not worth it. There's no point to those urges in 
this world anymore. Or at least, not for folks like us." She glanced 
over her shoulder at the Site 19 building, which had teleported about 
a hundred yards away. A bunch of college kids in Clef University 
shirts partied alongside some doctors and other odd characters. 
Tropical house music blasted from every floor of the building. She 
thought Kyle was among them. Then, without warning, it popped into 
nothingness, zipped off to some other corner of the planet. 


"Thing, I'm just about sure time is worthless now. It's been about 
sixty years since | lost my mother's watch." The toad-boot-thing 
continued to hump Mary's shoes, eagerly. "I wonder if they 
understand the meaning of life anymore in their ivory tower. | 
wonder if they still have souls." She laughed a bitter laugh. "You 
know, if Kondraki or Bright wanted, they could rebuild civilization and 
give me my death now. But | think they've forgotton Bright's little 
sex-crazed phase. That's all this is, thing. A man inside a horse had 
a phase where he couldn't be like you and he got mad at 
everybody." 


"I'm sure they've forgotten it. Nothing more than a joke to them. 
Nothing more than a joke." 


She picked the toad-boot-thing off her foot, and, hearing it squeal, 
brought it to her mouth. It's tough, rubbery skin made a satisfying 
crunch in her teeth. "Nothing more than a joke." she said through a 
full mouth. 


Then, still chewing, laid back on the rock and looked up at the 
shifting, effervescent stars. 


There was a knock on the door of Dr. Gears. Gears looked up just in 
time to see the group and their flock burst into his office. 


"What's up, br—" they began. 
"No," he said. 


"Well FUCK YOU TOO." said 035. 


Mary Sachs walked on through the wastes for a good long while. 
The harsh wind dried the fluid sustaining her, and gradually the wind 
began to seep into her skull and dry her mind. 


As the party began to die down, the co-eds returned to their homes, 
the zoo animals to their cages, and the Loch Ness Party Monster to 
the sea. At the days end, all that remained were the Researchers 


Chad, Kyle and Todd, and SCP-096 (with SCP-035 in tow). Dr. 
Crow had already turned into the night, as he was a dog. 


Researcher Kyle wiped a single tear from his eye. "Are we ever 
going to see you again, Shy Bro?" 


Shy Bro reached out its hand and patted the three of them on the 
back. "Don't worry, fellow bros. All you need to do is bring me this 
magic mask, and I'll be able to visit you whenever you want!" 


Researcher Chad sniffled. "Really? Is it really true, Shy Bro?" 
Shy Bro smiled. "Really, champ." 
"What a bunch of bitches," said 035. 


And with that, SCP-096 returned to its containment cell to sleep off 

the long weekend's hangover. Before it closed the door, it threw out 
the mask, which responded with mixed feelings ("Well bugger.") but 
was generally cooperative. 


When it was all said and done, they had laughed, they had cried. 
Kain Pathos Crow had to leave the country for a little bit, but it blew 
over rather quickly. Agent Lament was found to have not died, but 
just been overcome with the power of the party. Bright was still old 
and curmudgeonly. The researchers grew up and moved on with 
their careers, each achieving great and glorious things. 


But legend has it that once a year, they would return to that site with 
the mask, and would once again bro out for one fantastic weekend 
with Shy Bro. 


The Thing That Was Mary Sachs was uncovered during an 
archeological dig by Researchers Kyle and Chad a few weeks later. 
It was desiccated, and alien now. Unknown to men's eyes. 


"Bro, what is that thing?" Kyle said 


"Fuck if | know, dude. Just some monster, y'know? Slap in, like, the 
bone place with a number and keep digging." replied Chad. 


SCP-673: Tissues 


Item #: SCP-673 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: No living tissue is to enter the 
main containment area while SCP-673 is present. Dual air lock 
systems separated by decontamination and scanning cells are to be 
maintained at all times. Containment cell is to be immediately locked 
down during any maintenance or power failures, with release only 
after review by Site Security. Equipment exiting the containment cell 
is to be sterilized and remain in quarantine for a minimum of two 
weeks before being reused. 


Containment cell maintenance is to take place only after SCP-673 
has been removed to a temporary containment cell. All surfaces are 
to receive treatment by chemical agent NioX-9, with any overgrown 
areas extracted and rebuilt. Containment cell must be cleared of all 
personnel for no less than 12 hours before SCP-673 can be 
replaced to primary containment cell. Temporary containment cell is 
to be flooded with NioX-9 for no less than 48 hours after SCP-673 
removal. 


Independent instances of SCP-673 are to be severed and isolated 
as soon as possible after initial discovery. Evaluation of newly 
severed instances is to take place within five to eight hours post- 
severing. SCP-673 instances found to have no research, production, 
or other value are to be incinerated immediately after evaluation. 
Instances added to the main contained mass are to be recorded and 
logged with Central Records. 


Any staff working in or around the containment area are to be placed 
in quarantine immediately after completing their given tasks. 
Observation of quarantined subjects is to continue for a minimum of 
two weeks. Any erratic behavior, growths, or other SCP-673 
symptoms exhibited by subjects is to be reported to Site Command, 


"Duuuude." they said together, and hi-fived. 


THE END 


« | HUB | » 


Interviews with Prospective Groups of Interest 


WANTED: GROUP OF INTEREST 


A hero is only as good as the villain. 


The SCP Foundation is looking for prospective Groups of 
Interest, which can attempt to oppose the SCP 
Foundation and emphasise the obvious superiority of the 
SCP Foundation. 


Interviews will be conducted on / / at Dr. Clef's office. 
Interview date is protected by a memetic seal that can 
only be bypassed by specific beings. If the interview date 
is visible to you, you really should participate in the 
interview. 


There will be free drinks. 


Dr. Clef: Who are you again? 


ASCI Director: The American Secure Containment 
Initiative. 


Dr. Clef: You can't just take two out of our three slogans 
like that. 


ASCI Director: You're the ones who took our title. We're 
your predecessor, one of them at least. 


Dr. Clef: If you're gonna become us, why are you here? 


ASCI Director: Apparently, predecessors are still 
classified as minor Gols. 


Dr. Clef: Buddy, didn't you see the job ad? We're looking 


for villains. If you will become us in the future, you can't 
be the villains. That will make us, the heroes, look bad. 


ASCI Director: | can at least join the winning side, right? 


Dr. Clef: ... I'm afraid you're mistaken, friend. You will 
never join the winning side. You're just a stale 
reductionist representative. Folks like me are forever the 
winning side, but we always find use for lackeys and 
cannon fodder. [smiles] 


An interdimensional portal openes and an ancient 
daevite beast steps out. 


Dr. Clef: Take a seat. 
Daevite: Eldritch screeching 


Dr. Clef: Fuck this. 


Robo-Dude: | AM ROBO-DUDE, A INTELLECTUAL 
PROPERTY OF DR. WONDERTAINMENT. | AM HERE 
TO COLLECT THE FREE DRINKS, ROBO-PAL. 


Dr. Clef: Why? You are a robot. 


Robo-Dude: NOT FOR ME BUT DR. 
WONDERTAINMENT. | AM HERE TO COLLECT THE 
FREE DRINKS FOR DR. WONDERTAINMENT. 


Dr. Clef: Why don't he come and get them himself? 


Robo-Dude: DO NOT INTIMIDATE ROBO-DUDE. DR. 
WONDERTAINMENT IS A BUSY TOY MAKER AND 
THIS VERSION OF ROBO-DUDE COMES EQUIPPED 
WITH AN ATOMIC GRENADE IN THE EVENT YOU 
FAIL TO FOLLOW UP WITH THE PROMISED FREE 
DRINKS. 


Dr. Clef: Kinda extreme for a toy... Kids these days are 


so lucky. Anyway, the drinks are at that table next to the 
bowl of chips, which is mine so no touching that. 


Robo-Dude: THANK YOU, ROBO-PAL. 


Dr. Clef: You know Dr. Wondertainment should pay an 
actual visit next time. They could make- 


[Robo-Dude grabs all the drinks and vanishes in a bright 
blue light] 


Dr. Clef: Did he really just take a// the damn soda? 


Dr. Clef: So, bottom line, you're a circus? 


Herman Fuller: Not just any circus, my good man. 
Herman Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting is The Circus, 
the Greatest Show in all the Worlds! Surely you've heard 
of us. 


Dr. Clef: ... 
Herman Fuller: You're joking. 


Dr. Clef: Well, | remember there were a few good scips 
about you a few years ago, then there was almost 
nothing until last year when we started getting all these 
weird stories coming in for some reason. 


Herman Fuller: That's right, we've got a cannon now! 
Dr. Clef: A canon? 


Herman Fuller: That's right, Alty, a 90-foot-long cannon: 
solid cast iron, fires balls three feet wide, and is accurate 
to within 3 miles. Don't tell me that doesn't make us a 
formidable enemy! 


Dr. Clef: Look, Mr. Fuller, every time we try to raid your 
Circus you just vanish into thin air. We're looking for an 
enemy that's a little more... menacing. 


Herman Fuller: More menacing? More menacing? Sir, 
you show me one six-year-old in the world who isn't 
afraid of Clowns and then say we're not menacing! 


Dr. Clef: We don't employ six-year-olds, so that's a moot 
point. Hey, come to think of it, last | read you weren't 
even still in charge of the Circus of the Disquieting. 


Herman Fuller: | assure you, sir, | have no idea what 
you're talking about. 


Dr. Clef: In fact, you're supposed to be in containment. 
You're a mediocrely rated SCP now. 


Herman Fuller: | have had enough of these 
preposterous accusations! Good day sir! 


Dr. Clef: Don't get your strings caught in the door on 
your way out, Pinocchio. 


Dr. Clef: General, weren't you guys defeated in the 
Pacific War? 


Kakure Shogun: Yes, that happened. Circumstances 
beyond IJAMEA's control, to be precise. But we have 
survived the war, and infiltrated almost all segments of 
society. 


Dr. Clef: Standard secret organisation, eh? 


Kakure Shogun: We have factions like the Kakure 
Shogun and Jirai. In English, they are 'hidden generals' 
and ‘landmine’ respectively. 


Dr. Clef: General, look. We already have ORIA and 
GRU-P for our obligatory foreign organisation Gol. 
Three's a crowd. And yellow peril's so dead. Your group 
has absolutely no appeal at all. 


Kakure Shogun: Doctor, | will not tolerate Orientalism. 
This is about the sacrifices of many people who died at 


war. Can you just let people die for nothing? 


Dr. Clef: Speaking of dying, we beat your entire group. 
And that's your place, buddy. [snaps finger] 


[Kakure Shogun is replaced with a human skeleton, 
which quickly crumbles to dust.] 


[Dr. Clef stares blankly at the empty chair in his office, 
nodding his head.] 


Dr. Clef: | see you are truly Nobody. | think we can fit 
you in whenever we feel like it. Next! 
Dr Clef: And... you represent? 


Generic Waffen-SS Commander: | am here on behalf 
of ze Obskurakorps of ze Third Reich. Hei- [He is cut 
short by a bullet to the head.] 


Dr Clef: Yeah, no. Fuck Nazis. 


Grand Karcist lon: Pleasure to meet you, Clef. 


Dr. Clef: Indeed, Grand Karcist. Please tell me more 
about this Sarkicism. 


Grand Karcist lon: [visibly irritated] Firstly, | would 
prefer if you do not use the s-word. This is 2017. We 
should not be subject to such language. 


Dr. Clef: I'm sorry, ‘hon. Keep on talking. 


Grand Karcist lon: | represent the Nalka, an ancient 
religion dated back to what you would call the Bronze 
Age. Our faith's tenets include the shepherding of the 
flesh- 


Dr. Clef: Ah, that's your schtick! You can be the 


obligatory antagonists if we need some body horror and 
unspeakably ancient religion! Thank you for coming 
down today, Grand Karcist. 


Grand Karcist lon: Wait! | haven't told you our deity's 
UST with the Broken God and our equally ancient war 
with the Church of the Broken God! 


Dr Clef: That's a bit unnecessarily complicated. Besides, 
the focus should be the Foundation. If you're so fixated 
with the Church of the Broken God, why don't you go to 
their interview site? 


[Grand Karcist lon disappears from Dr. Clef's office.] 


Dr. Clef: Our original proposition still stands, if you're still 
interested! 


[The representative from the Shark Punching Centre 
opens the door to the interview room and walks in. 
However, he is blocked by a solid brick wall. On the wall, 
the following is inscribed: "No. We may be lolFoundation, 
but we have standards too."| 


Mainline Hub 


Welcome to Mainline. 


Introduction: In the world of the SCP Foundation universe, 
anomalies come in all shapes and sizes. Some are statues, others 
are tomatoes. We've got toasters, lizards, a cactusman, a man- 
cactus, and everything in between. 


And of course, there are bound to be drugs. 


Mainline is a tale about one SCP in particular. "Spirit Dust" is the 
name whispered from coast to coast in Japan, a new drug craze that 
centers around the drug's ability to make its user anomalous; a 
temporary deity of sorts. 


In this scenario, who else is supposed to stop this other than the 
Foundation, and its special task force of undercover agents? 


Of course, there's more than just the Foundation at play in this 
cartel... 

Chapter 1: Spirit Dust 

Chapter 2: Of Meetings and Meals 

Chapter 3: Trip Hammer 


Chapter 4: All Work and No Play 


Setting: Mainline is primarily set in Fukuoka, Japan, the epicenter of 
the Spirit Dust craze. Foundation resources and government ties 
here aren't the same as in the United States, so people have to rely 
on more old fashioned means of containment and operation. 


Main Players/Characters: The main players in this series are the 
Foundation, the police, and the Dojin yakuza. All have vested 


interests in what happens to the flow of Spirit Dust through the 
country, and even the world. 


This is a handy character sheet for people to keep track of who's 
who. Character descriptions are kept intentionally brief for readers to 
draw their own conclusions as to the true personalities/motivations 
of the characters. 


+ Mainline Character Sheet 


Katsuo Tanaka: 35-year-old detective with the Fukuoka 
Metropolitan Police, in the Criminal Investigation Bureau. 
Undercover agent for the Foundation. Senior partner of 
Yuudai Shibata. 


Naoki Koga: 29-year-old yakuza kyodai, and locally 
influential gangster of the Dojin clan. Undercover agent 
for the Foundation. 


Minori lwata: 57-year-old Regional Containment 
Commander of the Kyushu Theater for the Foundation's 
operations in Japan. Commands all Foundation forces in 
the Kyushu island. 


Yuudai Shibata: 25-year-old detective with the Fukuoka 
Metropolitan Police, in the Criminal Investigations 
Bureau. Undercover agent for the Foundation. Junior 
partner of Katsuo Tanaka. 


Satoru Yoshida: 43-year-old yakuza kyodai, and drug 
dealer. 


Hisashi Goto: 38-year-old detective with the National 
Police Agency in the Criminal Investigation Bureau. 
Specialist and expert on the yakuza, specifically the 
Dojin-kai. 


Hayato Matsumoto: 85-year-old Dojin-kai oyabun. Has 
contacts with the Chaos Insurgency. 


Tadashi: 42-year-old yakuza enforcer. Bodyguard to 
Matsumoto. 


Spirit Dust 


It was almost ready.