“Oooh, soooo helpful. We picked up an amnesiac. Did you just 
hijack him from a hospital bed, | mean, what’s wrong with him?!” 


“Dudes, dude dude dooders, okay? Listen up here, ya cunts, we’re 
doing this...” 


Jai and | paused in uncomfortable angry silence. 
“...Because | owe Rachael Davidson.” 
“Babe, we’re breaking up.” 


“No no no, okay okay, look! She’s the whole reason that | even got 
into this university! She got the cocaine dealing overlooked, it was 
all her, and now | owe her a favor no questions asked. | would have 
done this alone but she seemed panicked as shit. Thus, | panicked, 
and needed backup.” 


“Bullshi —” 


“Okay fuck off, look! We need to meet her at her house, deliver her 
an amnesiac named Jerry Gardner, and then we’re done! We're 
done, okay? It’s gonna all be good. Just trust me.” 


“Bullshit. We’re going home.” 
“I’m behind the wheel, and | agree.” 


Ed Dilber glanced between me and the strange naked Jerry sitting in 
our trunk. 


“Guys, I’m scared of Rachael. | don’t think that any fate we would 
suffer at the hands of the law could be worse than what Rachael will 
do to us —” 


“Do to you.” 

“— if we don’t go along with this.” 

“You are pulling us along in this adventure —” 

“This task.” 

“— this extremely illegal adventure because you owe Rachael?” 


“How how how how do you know it’s illegal? We’re just transporting 
a dude who doesn’t remember nothin’ to her house. She could be 
helping him — you know what, let’s work under the assumption that 
she’s helping this dude, okay?” 


The silence in the car was tense and unbreakable. Jai continued to 
drive angrily, and Ed looked with eyebrows raised at the rest of us 
(excluding Jerry). | glanced, concerned, between Ed and the slick, 
slimy naked man in the trunk of our car. Jerry looked utterly 
confused and out of it. | figured maybe he was just... really high? 
Who knew, honestly. He was freaked out, and | was freaked out in 
turn. Ferrying a naked man to someone’s house wouldn’t even be 
that weird a thing to do in my world if it weren't for the panic from Ed 
and the fact that it came from an owe to Rachael. 


As far as | could tell, Rachael consisted off of people owing her. 
When she first met someone, she would make sure to do something 
huge for them. As big as she could get. In return, she’d tell them 
they owed her one favor, no questions asked. Using this system, 
Rachael would make a safety net of debtors so that whenever she 
fell she would take begrudging people and make them do things for 
her. It was her substitute for friendship; instead of getting people to 
help her out of the goodness of their heart and their undying 
companionship between them, she would lure people in with a 
feeling of debt and guilt. It made her a particularly unlikable 
personality. 


Jai came up on the left turn that eventually led to Rachael’s house, 
and he stopped at the stop sign. Grunting in disapproval, and 
continuing to not look at his boyfriend Ed, he turned on the turn 
signal and began to hang a left. After making the turn, he tilted his 
head back. 


“You know what? You owe me.” 


2: Breaking & Entering 


It was a very small house — one floor with maybe three or four 
rooms not including the bathroom — with a luscious colorful garden 
in front. We stayed in the car while we ushered Jai out to knock on 
the door. Due to the situation, what would normally have been an 
awkward campaign to cover Jerry enough to get to the door turned 
into a covert mission to reach Rachael and transfer some classified 
good. Jai approached the building, looking nervously back at us, and 
then rang the doorbell. No response. He looked back at us again, 
and we wordlessly egged him on. He rang the doorbell again, looked 
in one of the windows, and then came back. 


“Nobody’s home.” 
“Bullshit.” 
“Bullshit? You saw!” 


“No no no, I’m taking a shot —” 


“No you're not, you idiot! You look after Jerry. /’li go. Me.” 


| walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. | knew Jai and Ed 
were looking at me disapprovingly, but | wasn’t going to look at 
them. | rang the doorbell again. No response. | turned back, they 
had the look | expected them to have, and then | just sorta... opened 
the door. Jai hadn’t checked if the door was unlocked yet. Jai and 
Ed mouthed at me such sayings like “what are you doing?’, “close 
the door!”, “no no no no no!”, but | just shrugged at them and walked 
in. 


The house was pretty clean. Looked really nice. The most prominent 
colors were purple and dark blue. She definitely had themed her 
house. | searched around, finding everything extremely tidy and well 
organized. It practically looked like nobody lived here, like it was a 
model home. After walking around for a bit, and finding nothing, | 
saw that her desktop computer... was on. She must have lett it like 
that. It was on the desktop, and currently open was a .txt file called 
“For Housesitter”. | walked up, and read it to myself... 


“Dear Ms. Housesitter, 


| have entrusted you with my house this week, and | hope you take 
good care of it. My cats need to be fed and watered every morning 
and every evening, my plants need to be watered every night (use 
three full watering cans), and on your last day here it would be 
wonderful of you to vacuum and dust the house. Take all that you 
want from the fridge for food and such, and clean any dishes you 
dirty. If you have any questions, you can *open Chrome on this 
computer and email me from my own email* — I’m already logged 
in, and if | get an email from myself then | would know it’s you. 


Sincerely, 
Rachael Davidson” 


| opened her email, and composed... something. | mean, that part 
was emphasised with asterisks. It seems like something you'd need 
to do, right? | wrote to her. Er, well, it looked digitally like she wrote 
to herself. But anyways, it went like this... 


“Dear Ms. Davidson, 


Well, | have some questions and | think better in person. How do | 
meet you? 


Please, 
Ms. Housesitter.” 


1, uh... Well, | didn’t know what else to do. She was going to 
respond to herself, and | didn’t know her email’s password, so this is 
the only place | could have gone to see if she responded, and guys 
were waiting for me, and — oh! There it was. An email. That was 
fast. 


“Dear Ms. Housesitter, 
Where Alex got kicked in the nuts by Sofia that one time. Tomorrow. 


Sincerely, 
Rachael Davidson 


P.S. Smooth.” 


| admittedly didn’t know where | got kicked in the nuts by Sofia. That 
might have been one of my blackout drunk nights — of which | have 
only had a few! Stop your judgement. Stop it. Anyways, | sprinted 
back to the car, and delivered the news. 


“Was she there? What did you do?” 
“Ra— wait shit!” 


| sprinted back in, and logged out of her email. Didn’t want anyone 
else coming and seeing the conversation, she couldn't have had that 
house without having roommates as well. | sprinted back out, and 
slid into the car. 


“Rachael’s being really fucking secretive. She had a text file open 
that told me, in very vague terms, to open her email and send her 
and email through her own email. | did that, and she responded 
telling me to meet her at the place | got kicked in the nuts by Sofia. 
Tomorrow, she specified. Oh, and she called me smooth” 


“Oh yeah, that place. Okay. So | guess we’re going home and 


meeting her —” 


“No, no no no, no, we aren't going home. This is too weird to go 
home. We're camping.” 


“Camping? Are you crazy?” 


“’m not — come on, it could even be fun! We have snacks, we have 
some blankets for Jerry, we can just go out and light some things — 
‘cause we have lights for blunts — and hang out and get high and 
have a good time.” 


“Just drive out into the woods and we'll set things up, we'll get to 
know Jerry better, c’mon!” 


“Fine. Fine. Here we go. As per Ed’s request. Again.” 


And away we went. 


3: Camping w/ Friends 


Our makeshift campfire threatened the underbrush, and made me 
very nervous. Ed had assured me we were fine, and that the leaves 
weren't even dry yet so the forest was fine too. | wasn’t so sure, but 
the ground was really wet, so | ignored my pyrophobic instinct. We 
had thrown some blankets over Jerry, who sat in the trunk of the car. 
None of our clothes really fit him — as if we had any to spare. The 
campfire was uncomfortably silent, but we did have some pretty 
great marshmallows. 


We talked at length about what Jerry might be. We grew grand 
conspiracy theories surrounding his origins, and we studied him up 
and down to see if we might have known him from somewhere. 
Perhaps he was an alien abductee, and Rachael was a government 
spy. Perhaps he was the world’s first clone, and Rachael is saving 
him from the labs so he can have rights. Maybe he was just some 
guy Rachael found on the side of the road and now she was going 
to exploit him... somehow. 


“Well | didn’t say | Knew how, just that it’s possible. It’s more likely 
than him being the result of an experiment involving switching minds 
with a pond duck.” 


“I'd like some clothes.” 

“You're not getting clothes.” 

“| feel naked.” 

“That’s ‘cause you are.” 

“| don’t like this.” 

“Neither do we.” 

“Glad that people enjoy my presence.” 
“| thought you were shy.” 

“No, just disoriented.” 

“That makes four of us.” 


Soon, we had set up a makeshift tent by flattening all the seats in 
the back of the Toyota minivan and laying out some blankets and 
tablecloths. The cuddle puddle — which excluded Jerry, who 
decided to take the whole night watch (we were feeling paranoid) 
because he wasn’t tired — was not as affectionate as usual. 
Probably due to everyone sitting deep in their own mixed feelings. 


“I’m gonna miss class tomorrow.” 

“Babe babe babe, this is so so so much more important.” 
“Really?” 

“Really really really. Now shut up so | can sleep.” 
“Guys?” 


“Yeah?” 


“What do | do if | see people?” 
“Can you drive?” 
“| have not a single clue.” 


| took the keys out of Ed’s pocket and threw them at him. 


“Learn.” 
“Oh wonderful.” 
“That’s all, folks. Goodnight.” 


The silence was sweet. Crickets chirped in the background, and the 
stars were actually quite pretty. This place wasn’t devoid of artificial 
light, but it was pretty nice. It made me think that | should spend 
more time in the woods. | also thought | should spend more time at 
the beach, but | couldn’t spend more time in both places. Also, 
beach was pretty far. Soon enough, | had remembered that Ed had 
taken the reigns on how | “chose” to spend my time. 


“This sucks.” 
“For god’s sakes, just sleep.” 


| grumbled, turned over, and fell asleep to the wind in the leaves. 
This was insane. Very, very insane and not cool. It took me awhile to 
get comfortable, but | was certainly exhausted from the day. In my 
final moments of consciousness, | caught Jai mumbling “not in the 
mood”. 


4: The Meeting 


“Sofia kicked me in the nuts here...?” 
“Yeah, it was pretty funny.” 


This was out by Robert’s abode. A supposedly haunted house in the 
suburbs, Robert and some of his pals got it dirt cheap. | know | had 
been out here for a party or two, but it had been a long time, and | 


most certainly did not remember being kicked in the nuts by Sofia. 
We were in a little area just above the house on a hill, partially hiding 
ourselves behind the car. 


At this point, we were sure something illegal was going on, but we 
had committed too much. Jerry most certainly wasn’t just some 
dude, and we started giving him fearful looks and he started making 
uncomfortable faces back at us. Whatever this was, it had warranted 
Rachael not coming back to her house and instead leaving us a 
cryptic note as to how to find her. This was beyond just some weird 
favor. 


“What did | do?” 


“Not entirely sure. You two were making out up against a tree over... 
there, both pretty drunk at the time, and you musta done something, 
because she just went ‘augh!’, reeled back and kicked you hard in 
the nuts. You sorta crumpled in pain, hugged the tree, and you let 
out a loud moaning ‘ooo000O0Oooooohhhh noooOOOOO0O0OV 000’. It 
was hilarious.” 


“Huh. Musta blacked out.” 

“Yeah. Musta. HEY!” 

“WHAT ?” 

“SEE ANYBODY YET?” 

“NOPE NOPE NOPE, NO RACHAEL OR NOBODY.” 
“ALRIGHT, KEEP LOOKING BABE.” 

“| WILL | WILL | WILL, LOVE YA.” 

“Maybe we shouldn’t be yelling.” 

“We need Rachael to know where we are somehow.” 


“But, like, that could alert anyone.” 


“Hey, guys...” 


the incident not being logged. Five months later on / /2002, 
janitorial staff member came into contact with a colony of 
over four hundred individual copies of SCP-588 living off detritus 
behind the shelves in Storage Pantry-B10. was discovered 
unconscious by his coworkers two hours later and was treated for 
several thousand minute bites on his limbs and body. All escaped 
instances of SCP-588 are believed to have been retrieved and 
destroyed, but any Site-19 staff members finding loose change in 
unlikely places are to report to an on-site security officer 


immediately. 


« SCP-587 | SCP-588 | SCP-589 » 


“Well how else would you like us to do it? Should | just whisper in 
her direction?” 


“Don’t talk at all! She said she’d be here, we said we'd be here, 
that’s it.” 


“Guys?” 

“COULD YOU TWO SHUT UP?” 

“Don’t you —” 

“SURE THING, BABE!” 

“WHAT DID | JUST TELL YOU?!” 

“Guys!” 

“WHAT?” 

“Rachael’s here.” 

“WHAT ?” He scurried back to us. “Where?” 
“Here, you dumbasses.” 


We all turned around and checked our blind spot. Rachael tossed 
down two license plates and a sander of all things. 


“Anyone could have snuck up on you. You’re all dumbasses. Let’s 
get in the car.” 


“Now wait, we need answers. What is all of this? Who is Jerry? 
Why’d you ditch us at your house? What the everliving fuck is going 
on?” 


“Your first goal after everything went down was to find me. | have 
every right to just not give you answers. Right now, if you want to 
continue your goal of figuring out what the hell is going on, you will 
listen to me. Understood? | didn’t ask you to bring your little posse, 
so | am willing to overlook some common human decency.” 


“Hey, wait a minute —” 


“| brought a man back from the dead, and yet you are continuing to 
challenge me.” 


She pointed at Jerry, looked impatiently at us, and then sat there 
waiting for a response. We all just looked at each other. She did 
what? The wind blew threw our hair, and Jerry just sort of stared at 
Rachael. 


“You did what?” 


“Did you not figure it out? Jerry was one of the bodies that professor 
whatever the hell was going to dissect in front of the class today or 
tomorrow or the next day or it doesn’t matter. He wasn’t embalmed 
yet, perfect for rejuvenation. | stole his corpse and brought him back 
into this world from wherever you go after you die.” 


Everybody was just about to yell and scream at her, calling her a liar 
and a fraud and then probably cussing Ed out for bringing us on 
such a stupid mission, but Jerry made sure we didn’t have time to 
get anything out. 


“| woke up on a table in one of the rooms at the... University? And 
she showed me a sheet of paper with my name on it and my picture. 
| looked in the mirror, and it was definitely me.” 


Rachael, as if on cue, pulled said paper out of her back pocket and 
unfolded it. She handed it to us, and it was all what they both said it 
was. It wasn’t proof enough, because she could have plagiarized it, 
but it was certainly a step above what we were expecting. Before we 
could object, Rachael was the one to cut us off.