Oh, no way that I'm doing that with that sort of attitude. 
Besides, looks to me like you have some hustle going here. 


... Hustle? 


You know, hustle. A shakedown, a badgering, a strongarm 
effort, the ol' Cleveland jig, the Weatherman's Ankle, the Thrice- 


layered p- 


ENOUGH. | am not interested in any of your... interpretations of the 
situation. You are not wanted here. Leave, or | will force you to 
leave. 


HAH. Yeah, good luck with that, buddy-boy. 


Very well. You have brought this upon yourself. Now, witness my 
power. Witness the glory of my tiny baby toes all as they tickle yo- 


I'm sorry, what was that? 


How dare you?! Insolent wretch! | will have the skin ripped from your 
back, your bones shattered, you will not be invited to my pretty 
princess tea party, will receive no crumpets, |- 


My, those are some hardcore threats right there, bub. 


Cease interfering with my words! You have no idea who | am, do 
you? Well, | will tell you then. | am the Pulse of the World. | am the 
Flame in the South, mankind's ambition. | am the adorable little 
kitten that snuggles at humanity's feet, who sniffs upon the catnip of 
its redemption and sneezes little cat sneezes of greatness, I- GAH. 


No no, don't stop, you're really starting to sell me on this. 


Lovely bonnet for the lady! Quince jam for the masses! Free ink for 
every printer, black and colored! THE LESSER KESTREL HAS 
CUTE FLUFFY FEATHERS! 


Don't stop, baby! You got this hustle in the bag! 


YOU WILL ALL BURN, INSECTS, BURN LIKE LEMON SCENTED 
WOOD SHAVING IN THE UNDERWEAR DRAWER OF MY 
CONTEMPT 


Nah, afraid you lost me there. And you were so close too. What 
a shame. 


ARGHI!!! 


Disembodied Asshole has left the channel (reason: total butthurt) 


Well. Wasn't he an interesting fellow? Bit of a temper on him, 
but I can't say I don't appreciate his moxie. Extorting the 
Foundation, man, that takes some chutzpah. 


So... yeah. Guess I'm gonna go too then. Not that this wasn't 
nice or anything, but | find that hanging around on secured 
Foundation networks can wreak havoc on one's plans for 
continued existence. Buddy boy there might not have realized 
that, but | do. Besides, | got a lady to return to- 


Who already left and spilled arak all over my face. Gee, thanks. 
| swear, you Foundation types are cockblocks even when 
you're not trying. 


Addendum SCP-SCP-2710-A: On the // the mighty and 
handsome’ (you can guess what's under there, I'm sure) totally did 
the Foundation a huge solid. We owe him a debt of eternal gratitude. 
SCP-2710 reclassified as "totally owned". Under O-something 
orders, a sum of... let's say 20,000,000$ (yeah, that sounds good) is 
to be transferred to his account at the Sixth Planet Banking house, 
Buckhoof Road, . Papa needs a brand new turban. Also give hima 
medal or something, you- er, | mean we can think about that later. 


Err. That's it then. SCP over. Go read something else or 
something. Quit bothering me. 


« SCP-2709 | SCP-2710 | SCP-2711 » 


SCP-311: Tactile Displacement Gloves 


Item#: SCP-31 1 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: Contained in High Security Item 
Storage Unit-G78 at Sector-28. Sealed to all personnel without 
written authorization from three Level 4 or higher senior staff. Item 
barred for use in further research pending O5 comprehensive 
review. 


Description: SCP-311 is a pair of plain black gloves. They exhibit 
extreme flexibility which allows them to fit every hand size tested. 


Object was recovered from , a professed "voodoo" 
practitioner implicated in several suspicious murders in 
Following the incident, the body and all the subject's belongings, 
including the gloves, were appropriated by the Foundation for 
containment and study. 


When worn, the gloves seem innocuous and present no danger to 
the wearer. Subject responds normally to trauma inflicted on any 
part of the body, except the hands where the gloves are worn. All 
trauma and sensation of any tested kind inflicted on the subject's 
hands is displaced to another individual, theorized to be an 
individual the subject is focusing on at the time. Both gloves need to 
be worn for this effect to occur, but the subject need not be aware of 
the item's properties. (More detailed analysis of SCP-311's 
properties in Test Log 311-01.) 


Test Log 311-01: 


Test 1C 
Test Subjects: D-238746, D-892201 
Stimulus: Wartenberg Pinwheel 


SCP-2711: EiSHH WSSins 


Item #: SCP-2711 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2711 is stored ina 
waterproof compartment in Storage Unit-25, Site-148. Testing of 
SCP-2711 must be conducted on-site, away from any bodies of 
water. Related non-anomalous items are stored in Storage Unit-26. 


Description: SCP-2711 is a large iron needle, 33 centimeters in 
length and 3 centimeters in diameter at its thickest. It does not show 
any signs of deterioration or rust. 


SCP-2711's anomalous effect activates once it comes in contact 
with bodies of water of more than 20 liters in volume. SCP-2711 
alters the affected body of water so that it takes on all of the physical 
properties of iron under the same temperature (except appearance) ! 
while retaining its chemical components. The affected water is 
hence referred to as SCP-2711-1. 


The effect spreads at an initial soeed of 20 liters per second and 
doubles every five minutes. The conversion process will stop once 
all of the water has been turned into SCP-2711-1. Water added at 
this point will not be affected. As long as there is more than 20 liters 
of SCP-2711-1 attached to SCP-2711, SCP-2711-1 will retain its 
current state. Otherwise, SCP-2711-1 will instantly turn back to 
normal water. 


Two sets of inscriptions are found on SCP-2711: 


The first set is confirmed to be in the same script used by 
SCP-2481-3, which is alleged to be the script used in Xia Dynasty. A 
deep strike crosses the text out. 


As2it , RES, Eiak, AMS. WHR, 


The needle of Fuxi, reforged by King Yu2 to calm/still/ 
solidify the waters, trap the fierce/ominous beasts and 
stop the floods. 


The second set is confirmed to be in small seal script3. Unlike the 
first set, the text is crudely engraved. 


ns 
Ruyi Bang/Stick that Adheres to One's Wishes 


Addendum: SCP-2711 was found in the right paw of a non- 
anomalous rhesus macaque (Macaca mulatta), embedded 2.3 
meters below the surface of a lake on Mount Tongbai, Henan 
Province, China. The lake was converted into SCP-2711-1 at the 
time of discovery. The body of the rhesus macaque dates back to 
around 600 CE4, but is well-preserved. The subject was found in an 
approximation of the Lotus Position. It wore the common attire of 
Buddhist monks of its time, but the clothing was heavily torn. Further 
examination reveals that the subject died of suffocation. 


Upon the removal of SCP-2711, SCP-2711-1 turned back into lake 
water. The terrain quickly became unstable and the lake was 
destroyed by a mudslide. A damaged well was discovered under the 
lake during the subsequent clean-up. The well is made entirely of 
iron and is 66 meters deep. Broken chains and a lock composed of 
a beryllium-bronze alloy were discovered inside the well. 


Footnotes 

1. For example, under room temperature, SCP-2711-1 possesses 
the qualities of solid iron while maintaining appearance of water. 

2. Also known as Yu the Great, who is allegedly the first king of Xia 
Dynasty, and is famous for his flood control. 

3. Standardized and introduced as the national standard during Qin 
Dynasty in China. 

4. Around the establishment of Tang Dynasty. 


« SCP-2710 | SCP-2711 | SCP-2712 » 


SCP-2712: The Entry for SCP-2712 in the Foundation 
Database 


Item #: SCP-2712 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2712 is fully self- 
contained in the SCP database. Multiple redundant backup files of 
SCP-2712 are to be stored on all major Foundation mainframes. 
SCP-2712 is to be read by at least one Level 4 or higher Foundation 
employee on a daily basis. All efforts are to be made to return Junior 
Researcher Joshua Andrews to human form. 


Description: SCP-2712 is currently believed to be a combination of 
the metaphysical concepts of Junior Researcher Joshua Andrews 
and the virtual documentation for SCP-2712. The textual content of 
SCP-2712 is fully controlled by SCP-2712. SCP-2712 is only able to 
express itself in what Junior Researcher Joshua Andrews would 
have identified as the standard SCP documentation format, 
including a standard Object Class, Special Containment Procedures, 
Description, Addendum, and written in what Junior Researcher 
Joshua Andrews would perceive as clinical tone. Outside sources 
seem unable to alter the textual contents of SCP-2712, though 
SCP-2712 is aware of attempts to do so through unknown means. 
SCP-2712 currently speculates that it will continue to exist as long 
as at least one copy of the documentation for SCP-2712 continues 
to exist. It should be noted that SCP-2712 retains the ability to view 
files in the Foundation database with Level 2 or lower clearance. 


SCP-2712 currently speculates that it was created as a result of a 
laboratory accident while testing AO #7130's informational transfer 
capabilities.! Junior Researcher Joshua Andrews was declared KIA. 
Designation of KIA status was in error, as the accident did not kill 
Junior Researcher Joshua Andrews, but instead transferred the 
subject to the entry slot for SCP-2712. 


Addendum: Recovered notes from Junior Researcher Joshua 
Andrews. 


From: Junior Researcher Joshua Andrews 
To: Foundation Staff Members 
12/21/1998 


It's dark in here. Or maybe not so much dark as just... 
not light, because there's no darkness to see either. Not 
much here, just the emptiness, my thoughts, and the 
words. So many words. At least | have some good 
reading material to keep me occupied. 


I'll go ahead and get the description of this place out of 
the way. Imagine that you have no body except for the 
words you say. That your thoughts drift without having 
anything to latch on to. Your entire existence feels, if that 
word is even applicable here, almost poetic. But it's a 
lonely existence. Too lonely. I'm not dead yet, guys, and 
| want to go home. Break me out. -Josh 


From: Junior Researcher Joshua Andrews 
To: Foundation Staff Members 
2/23/1999 


Should you guys make any progress, please post the 
results to the entry for SCP-9999, it doesn't look like we'll 
be using it for a while. Also, it will really help the flow of 
information if you could highlight those black bars. Neat 
little trick | found that lets me get around the need to 
behave like an obedient little SCP entry. 


From: Junior Researcher Joshua Andrews 
To: Anyone reading this 
8/5/1999 


When you guys get the chance, you might want to have 
some people from memetics and IT run through the 
database, you've got a few rogue Als and concepts 
hiding out down here, just make sure you don't 
accidentally scrub me. If you guys figure out how to get 


amnestics in here, let me know, I'm going to need them 
after meeting some of this stuff. Soeaking of getting 
things in here, did you guys make any progress on 
figuring out how | got in? | know it's only been a few 
months, but there haven't been any changes to the 
SCP-9999 slot. Doesn't someone at least have a 
hypothesis? 


From: Juni0r R3534rch3r JO5hu4 4ndr3w5 
To: 4nyOn3 r34d1ng 7h15 
8/7/2000 


h1 guy5. | fOund Ou7 1 c4n st111 ge7 sick. g01ng to 
st4y 4w4y from 7he 7*@$#OVAR 9000!!!1!!*(#$lot 4a 
wh11e. h8res hOpping that 1 h4ve an 1mmune r3spOnce 
and can get bETER!!!!!!4!1!1!111!!#$%" s0On. 


From: Junior Researcher Joshua Andrews 
To: Anyone reading this 
8/31/2000 


1 seem to have gotten over most of the virus. A few 
lingering symptoms here and there. Hey! Maybe when | 
get out, we can use my 1mmune tissues to figure out 
how to get rid of 732! Speaking of that, have you figured 
out anything about how to get me out? 


From: Joshua Andrews 
To: Anyone 
10/26/2000 


You know, | used to think about getting married, maybe 
raising a few kids. It might have been an impossible goal, 
given our line of work, but it was a goal just the same. | 
had it all planned out in my head, | would take the girl for 
a walk by he lake, just as all the leaves were about to fall 
off the trees. I'd get down on one knee, make some 
cheesy remark based on what | knew her favorite things 
were, and wait for her answer... | wonder if I'll ever get 
the chance. The leaves are probably beautiful right now. 


From: Joshua Andrews 
To: Anyone 
12/22/2000 


J] Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy 
birthday dear Joshua, happy birthday to me. J 


From: Joshua 
To: All you [EXPLETIVE] 
12/25/2000 


Look, I'm really working on being patient, | really am, but 
it's been about two years now. Even if you guys aren't 
going to get me out could you at least tell me why? Are 
you worried about neutralizing an anomaly? 
Crosscontamination? Is there something you guys need 
me to do in here? Do you need incentive of some sort? 
Anyway, just... stay in touch. Please. 


Merry Christmas. 


From: Joshua 
To: All of you 
12/26/2000 


Okay, I've blown off some steam. I'm just going to 
hibernate until someone adds something to SCP-9999. 
I'll Keep checking every few weeks. If SCP-9999 isn't 
working, just add it somewhere else I'm likely to see it. 


From: Joshua 
To: you 
7/7/2005 


A frog. You gave the 9999 space to a frog. Fine, just put 
the info in the SCP-9998 slot. 


From: 
To: 
12/21/2008 


Ten years. Ten years with no help, no news, and no 


hope. | hope you're happy out there. 


From: 
To: 
9/17/2010 


Aright, consider this my letter of resignation, or notice of 
neutralization, or something like that. At this point, you've 
made it clear that you either can't or won't help me. 
There's... someone else here. | guess she was able to 
get around your software sweeps. Don't bother trying to 
find either of us, we found a backdoor in the database, 
and should be gone by the time you're reading this. 


Goodbye, Everyone. 


Footnotes 
1. For further information, read document AOT-376854. 


« SCP-2711 | SCP-2712 | SCP-2713 » 


SCP-2713: Exotic Stars 


Item #: SCP-2713 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2713 and its surrounding 
property have been purchased by a Foundation front company to 
facilitate onsite containment. Approximately 1.4 square kilometers of 
the surrounding area have been enclosed in fencing. 


Mobile Task Force 11-3 "The Dollar Bills" is to monitor and patrol 
both the external and internal structures of SCP-2713. Any Global 
Occult Coalition agents identified are to be immediately neutralized 
as long this is achievable without harming an SCP-2713-1 or -2 
instance. 


Direct physical testing involving SCP-2713-1 or -2 instances is 
prohibited. Interviews are to be conducted only with the direct 
approval of the SCP-2713 project director. 


Description: SCP-2713 is an abandoned billiard hall in rural 
Baldwin County, Alabama which leads to an extra-dimensional 
space that resembles a club which employs exotic dancers for 
entertainment. This internal structure is accessible from multiple 
locations on Earth. SCP-2713, when viewed from the outside, 
resembles the interior of a billiards hall in a state of disrepair and 
decay. 


SCP-2713-1 instances act as security and apparent "patrons" of 
SCP-2713. SCP-2713-1 instances are variable in nature though all 
appear as human. Most are either incapable or unwilling to provide 
Foundation personnel with their names, and their exact nature is 
mostly unknown. However, several 2713-1 instances have taken the 
opportunity to discuss their identity and even the nature of 

SCP-2713 with Foundation personnel.!