Interviewed: SCP-810-J 
Interviewer: Dr. Patricia Whack 
<Begin Log> 


Dr. Whack: Hello, SCP-810-J. How are you today? 


SCP-810-J: I'm just fine, except that there's a small 
matter | think you can help me with. 


Dr. Whack: If this is about - 


SCP-810-J: Five thousand dollars. That's all | need from 
you. Look, my dad - Mick, you know Mick, right? Gimme 
Shelter? Paint it Black? Call him up right now, he'll tell 
you. | need the money, bad. Throw me a bone here. 


Dr. Whack: SCP-810-J, we've contacted Mr. Jagger and 
he claims to have no relation to you. As was expected. 


SCP-810-J: Old dad. Drugs really got to him. Look, here, 
I'll make you a deal. [SCP-810-J regurgitates SCP-810- 
J-1.] 


Dr. Whack: No, not again, we just cleaned in here - 


SCP-810-J: See this? You get to keep this, 'till | get you 
the dough back. 


Dr. Whack: This is going nowhere. Someone get a 
cleanup crew in here. 


<End Log> 


Closing Statement: The value of SCP-810-J-1 appears 
minimal, and it seems to serve no function other than a 
bargaining chip for SCP-810-J. More research is clearly 
required as to why SCP-810-J values it so highly, or 
what it believes its purpose to be. 


C'mon, | thought you would've figured this out by now! It's a knick- 
knack, Patty Whack, give the dog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling 
Stone. - Site Director John Keller 


SCP-\\\-J: The Subject is Aware 


Serious Note 


The following article was generated by loading all 
3000+ SCPs into the Botnik predictive keyboard app. 


Aside from some minor formatting edits, everything 
presented below is taken verbatim from the results. 


Item #: SCP-3004 
Object Class: Euclid Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: The searches are not optional. 
Information pertaining to SCP-3003 is to be suppressed until 
confirmation of the appendicitis diagnosis (blood). Individuals 
exposed to SCP-3505 must be administered Class-B amnestics and 
repurposed as the feast. In order to ensure that no members of the 
public are able to view SCP-3006, it must have written permission 
from Site-28 Roget to take over the Gulf of Mexico. 


Procedure Lambda Manos is to remain constantly monitored for 
possible issues with the following: 


* Breakfast sensation 

* Initiating flight path through the skin layer 

¢ Silly crab productions 

« Agent Cooper's sexual education 

¢ Facility Director Shirley Gillespie and the smell her body is 
wrapped in 


Dr. Oswald is currently available for further details.1! Deceased 
relatives are no help. 


Description: SCP-3004 refers to a 2 km2 area of landmass deep in 
ape corpses piled outside Mongolia. A single living instance is 
currently believed to absorb nutrients directly from a sock full of 


dead insects and pigeons. Within SCP-3007, no specimen of 
balaenoptera (another placental mammal) vessels have been found 
in the location other than cloud types. 


Protruding from SCP-1762 is a male humanoid figure approximately 
five corpses tall. The subject is able to exert an extreme amount of 
food products filled with spherical members from its body. Further 
investigation revealed the composition of its body to be an infinitely 
special holiday stuff. When questioned, the subject reported itself 
to be made of softened materials incapable of being communist. 


SCP-3007 has been found to produce fragrance with its corpse 
creatures. Clinging to the top layer is a very slight minty smell, 
thought to originate from further beneath the shroud. 


Addendum: SCP-2282 was discovered after reports of males 
becoming inexplicably harmless people were recovered. All 
personnel assigned to SCP-2003 have been found completely 
emptied of contents. Removing their dead bodies started feeling 
kind of formal, and the smell was later described as "crispy sex 
pirates". 


Agent Maxwell lost some vital minutes before abandoning flesh 
itself. 


Dr. Oswald: | want to talk to you directly into the 
transcript. 


Agent Maxwell: Copy that. What makes sense to you is 
worthless to me. Father wanted a fresh source of noise, 
and we wanted a good time. All the memories I've written 
on the back of his skin have become a single footnote in 
his head. 


Dr. Oswald: Why do you still have anything to do the 
face protruding from behind me? 


Agent Maxwell: | was pretty much the only Foundation 
personnel in the area. No more perpetual snake species. 
Apart from my mouth, the whole world felt alien. The 
effect had turned my hand to a skeletal golem. This 


place probably spread beyond its body and watched as | 
cried. All | could think was, "this asshole killed my fucking 
sass threshold." 


Footnotes 

1. Dr. Oswald was a baked man known to have one or more edible 
forms. Following his consumption in front of his wife and children, 
the Foundation discovered that harvesting plant tissue removed 
from its brethren has been a useful resource. 

2. This is strictly limited to researchers who wish to be held. 


SCP-4002-J: Curd of Prey 


Item #: SCP-4002-J 
Object Class: Bleu-clid 


Special Comte-ainment Procheesedures: SCP-4002-J is stored in 
an re-friesla-tor in Doctor Jack's office, on Site 19. The office is the 
per-feta location to store the object, as it is located on level B-4, 
thirty meters urda-ground. In queso a containment brie-ch, all com- 
muenster-cations are to be curd off, to prevent further cantal- 
mination. 


Des-gippsland: SCP-4002-J refers to a cheese wheel of unknown 
com-port-sition. When o-bay-served, the sussex is overwh-emlett 
with the impulse to utilize dairy-centered cheddar-ic as a piora-ty in 
their sp-beechster patterns. This ef-feta has been dauphin-ed as 
me-meira-tic, and as such, comte-ainment must be ad-muenster-ed 
caerphilly. No personnel with coolea-rence level 3 or baylough are 
parm-itted to access SCP-4002-J at any time. 


Spread of the ef-feta of SCP-4002-u, in a manouri-ty of cases, 
involves any string of dairy rodoric being per-serra-eived by an unaf- 
feta-ed subject. Due to the risk of lin-goutu-stic collapse, Molbo Task 
Force Feta-9 ("Have at Thee, Havarti!"), is deployed to whey the 
situation and ad-muenster ami-nesiacs when pont-ssible. If the 
comte-amination has brie-ched the forty-eight hour mark, the ef-feta 
is considered to be at crema-tical condition, and af-feta-ed subjects 
must be toma-nated. 


+ Addendum 4002-J-A -- Recovery Log 


SCP-4002-J was re-coverdale-d on a dairy 
farmin — , Wisconsin, following reports on a 
maisie-ve out-brie-ak of "cheese induced 
aragon-ments". Unaware of the ef-fetas, the 
recovery team was exposed to the me-meira- 


etic hazard. The team was later grated for their 
ambert-ure job in the field, and a-saga-igned 
as the provo-lone cleaning crew for that week. 


+ Addendum 4002-J-B -- Researcher's Note -- 
LEVEL 4 CLEARANCE REQUIRED 


This document is highly classified. It is not to 
go pasteurize. Upon further study, the ef-feta 
of SCP-4002-J goes beyond our initial 
conjecture. The current do-curd-mentation 
merely skims the surface of the object's true 
nature. Over time, the di-cheese grows expo- 
nantais-ly until soeech with a lack-tose of dairy 
sarite-uration becomes unfeasible. As the 
object paneers a khoa-rizon of innes-fection, 
its ef-feta extends beyond cheese and en- 
comte-passes the whole of dairy. It is now 
abbaye-parent that we have no whey of 
comte-aining SCP-4002-J as it approaches 
this pont. What goudas a re-friesla-tor do 
against an accelerating me-meira-tic plague? | 
must farm-ally recommend that the object be 
neutralized, in order to avoid a lin-gris-tic 
descent into udder chaos. 

- Dr. Jack 


Request rejection pending. A formal response 
will be issued at the conclusion of the 
neutralization review pro-swiss. - O5- 


SCP-[even number]-J: An [Adjective] [Animal] 


SCP-029-J: Jesus Take the Wheel! 


Item #: SCP-029-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-029-J is currently 
considered tentatively contained. Due to the low-risk nature of 
SCP-029-J, police reports are to be monitored for potential reports 
of SCP-029-J. Class A amnestics are to be administered as 
necessary. At this time, no additional containment procedures are 
required, pending review yearly on 1/12 or as needed. 


{DEPRECATED AS OF 4/21/17: Foundation Agents are to attempt 
to contact SCP-029-J in order to attempt to discern more stringent 
containment procedures.} At this time, for resource and sanity 
reasons, additional attempts to contact SCP-029-J are not 
considered conducive to study, and are to be discontinued. 


Description: SCP-029-J is an adult male of apparent Middle 
Eastern descent, who claims to be Jesus Christ. SCP-029-J is 
exclusively found in the Newark, New Jersey area, posing as a for- 
hire driver using the application Uber. Foundation Agents contacted 
Uber to request the driving records and registration of SCP-029-J. 
No records were found. 


Upon being assigned to a subject's request, SCP-029-u's vehicle is 
listed as "A flaming hot ride", of the current year, and is always 1 
minute from the pick up location. Of note, the Uber application does 
not allow this to be listed as a model name. SCP-029-u's vehicle has 
been determined to be a multi-entity combination designated 
SCP-029-J-1 through SCP-029-J-4. 


SCP-029-J's vehicle has been shown to take a variety of 
appearances. This ability is contingent upon the concentration of 
SCP-029-J-1 through -4. These entities have to date, proven easily 
distracted, leading to a high incidence of sightings of SCP-029-J, 


(approximately the viscosity of mercury) from hereon designated as 
SCP-535-1. Other forms of matter are not affected. Analysis of 
SCP-535-1 has revealed that it is composed of approximately 36% 
water; however, the remaining 64% encompasses 14 previously 
unknown substances. It is fit for human consumption (disregarding 
the non-chemical effects of SCP-535) and produces no visible 
reactions. When SCP-535-1 is poured out of SCP-535 and comes 
into contact with a solid or liquid surface, it instantaneously 
evaporates, leaving no discernible trace. 


When various forms of information storage or transmission comes 
within 1m of SCP-535-1, SCP-535-1 will ‘activate’ and change colour 
depending on the nature of the source. The following colours have 
been observed; 


¢ Red - all digital media (computers, compact discs etc.) 

* Orange - radio waves 

* Yellow - sound waves 

« Lime green - photographic film 

¢ Blue - text and physical visual imagery (the precise hue of 
blue has been observed to change depending on the medium 
the text or images are transcribed on) 

« Purple - magnetic tape 

¢ White - the human brain 

¢ Black - [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Analysis of activated SCP-535-1 shows it to be chemically identical 
to inactivated SCP-535-1. 


SCP-535-1 appears to ‘absorb’ information from its surroundings. If 
activated SCP-535-1 is poured out of SCP-535, it will subsequently 
‘transmit’ the data it has contained to whatever it lands on, if it is 
compatible in some way. For example, if activated SCP-535-1 
comes into contact with a computer and is then poured onto a 
different computer, the information from the first computer will be 
copied to the second. If activated SCP-535-1 was poured onto any 
non-digital device in this case, there would be no effect. In both 
situations SCP-535-1 would evaporate and disappear. The amount 
of SCP-535-1 utilised appears to have no effect, and multiple 
‘transmissions’ of data can be made by conserving the contents of 
SCP-535. Pouring activated SCP-535-1 on the device which initially 


especially around the Christmas and Easter holidays. 
The entities that comprise SCP-029-J's vehicle are as follows: 
* SCP-029-J-1 has been identified as a Throne 


© Thrones are depicted as great wheels containing many 
eyes, and reside in the area of the cosmos where 
material form begins to take shape. they are usually 
depicted as the literal movers of the throne of God. 
SCP-029-J-1 takes the physical form of all four wheels. 


¢ SCP-029-J-2 has been identified as a Seraphim, and most 
likely as Michael 


© Seraphim are usually depicted as having six wings, one 
pair covering the face, another the feet, the last to fly 
with. They are not normally depicted as humanoid. 
SCP-029-2 makes up the chassis. 


* SCP-029-J-3 has been identified as an Archangel, mostly 
likely Gabriel 


© Depictions of Gabriel usually include a horn of some 
variety with which he proclaims God's majesty. Reports 
of Gabriel's physical form vary. SCP-029-J appears to 
only include Gabriel's voice, and is the radio and sound 
system. 


* SCP-029-J-4 has been identified as a group of 12 Cherubim 


© Cherubim have varying descriptions from four wings 
and four feet, to even having four faces, and 
extraordinarily complicated arrangements of faces and 
wings, feet and glowing coals in their mouths. Reports 
are inconsistent, varied, and almost invariably inhuman 
and eldritch. SCP-029-J-4 are situated in front of 
SCP-029-J-1 through -3 and pull the entire collection, as 
draft animals. 


Addendum 1: Remote Surveillance 


Prepared by the Department 
of Intelligence 


Reporter: 

Agents Ricciardi and Stokes 
Date of Report 

Dec 21, 2016 

Incident 


Collection of remote surveilance 


Summary 


SCP-029-J has appeared with a 1.7% chance 
to date, to any particular user's request. An 
important note is that SCP-029-J can appear 
in multiple places at once, and has been 
observed to be given a maximum of 7 rides at 
once. 


Valerie McIntyre requested a ride froma 
location in Harrison, New Jersey to the 
Prudential Center in downtown Newark. 


A transcript of an encounter between 
SCP-029-J, SCP-029-J-1 through -4, and 
Valerie McIntyre was captured with a laser 
microphone on 12/17/2016. 


Transcription of Surveillance 
Involved Foundation Assets: Agent Rocco 


Ricciardi, Level 3, Intelligence Division. Agent 
Lisa Stokes, Level 1, Intelligence Division 


(probational) 

Encountered Anomalies: SCP-029-J, 
SCP-029-J-1, SCP-029-J-2, SCP-029-J-3, 
SCP-029-J-4 


SCP-029-J: Alright, shut up, shut up they're 
coming. 


SCP-029-J-2: You think you can pull this off? 


SCP-029-J-2 has the appearance of a late 
model sedan. No identifying badges can be 
seen. Its license plate reads SPQRSUX. 


SCP-029-J: | don't really care, you think that 
"supply side jesus" stuff is okay? 


SCP-029-J-2: Whatever. 


SCP-029-J-1: At least you're not riding on your 
fucking eyes, Mike. 


SCP-029-J-3: Stop moaning, Ray. 


SCP-029-J: Gabe, shut up and start the 
music! 


SCP-029-J-3: Fine, fine. 


"Rock Me Sexy Jesus" from the "Hamlet 2" 
soundtrack can be heard playing from 
SCP-029-J-3. 


McIntyre approaches the car. 


McIntyre: Hi, Jesus? [Pronounced as in the 
Hispanic form] 


SCP-029-J: Actually it's Yeshua, but you can 
call me Jay if you want, that's me! 


Mcintyre: Awesome, thanks! 


McIntyre opens the door to SCP-029-J's 
vehicle. SCP-029-J-4 begins making sounds 
approximating an engine turning over, and 
idling. Poorly. 


SCP-029-J-4: NnnnVROOM! 
BrbororbrbrbrborbbrborrBRBrbrbrbrbr. 


SCP-029-J: Comfortable back there? Would 
you like a bottle of water? I've got refrigerated, 
mineral, holy, transubstantiated into wine... 


Mcintyre: Err, haha, no I'm alright, but it's a 
little warm, can you turn up the AC? 


SCP-029-J leans down towards the 
dashboard. 


SCP-029-J: Come on Mike, ease up the fiery 
wings a bit, she's uncomfortable. 


SCP-029-J-2: | swear. I've lead God's forces 
to glory for thousands of battles. I'm supposed 
to be your general, but now I'm climate control 
for lazy millenials today. Sheesh.