Special Containment Procedures: Dr. Vang has been tasked with 
drafting new containment procedures for SCP-TLDR-dJ, and is 
expected to complete the task within one week. The old ones were 
really long, so Dr. Vang's trademark brevity is expected to come in 
handy. 


TL;DR: SCP-TLDR-J is a metamorphic document with a variety of 
forms, each possessing unique, mostly pointless anomalous 
properties. Whenever SCP-TLDR-d is read by an individual who 
intends to read it in its entirety, it will metamorphosize into a form 
that the individual would disregard due to length. 


Addendum: A list of every one of SCP-TLDR-u's forms. You can 
skip this bit, honestly. 


¢ Form A is a copy of /nfinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. 
Form A emits a scent described as "bitter almonds" and 
"sound of a D-Class falling to the floor and convulsing". No 
other anomalous properties are apparent. 


¢ Form B is acopy of Foundation Document C17-G4N. 
When SCP-TLDR-J transmorphs (?) into Form B, some 
indestructible shadow monster thing appears somewhere and 
we have to contain it with MTF Nine-Tailed Fox or Roblox or 
whatever. At the very least, their documentation is pretty brief. 


¢ Form C is a copy of Moby-Dick, by Herman Melville, that is 
capable of exhibiting "Southern hospitality." Several 
personnellwhomst?] have spoken highly of the lodging, food, 
and good conversation provided by Form C. 


¢ Form D is an in-depth description of the various ways in which 
a non-existent piece of fiction misrepresents military 
technology and procedure, written in an aggressive and 
dismissive tone. Form D is capable of writing and printing 
original fictional stories, typically detailing artificial 
intelligences that live in gross holes and have fetishes. Or 
something like that — we've never actually read any of these, 
as Form D has confirmed that they were deliberately made 
uninteresting in service of realism. 


© Upon further review, it was found that fiction produced 
by Form D suddenly acquires literary merit when 
expressed via a series of pictograms and abstract 
symbols. 


¢ Form E is a copy of Under the Dome by Stephen King. Did 
you know that Form E was once hit by a car? Just something 
to consider. 


¢ Form F is a copy of Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. Subjects 
that come within a few meters of Form F develop a single- 
minded obsession with achieving specific goals. Subjects 
uniformly describe their motivation as "Well, it tried to make 
me an objectivist, but that sounded stupid, so | tried to put my 
own spin on it. Clever, right? [pause] Well, / think it's funny. 
[pause] Maybe if | made an Overwatch joke too? Something 
about staying on the objective? [pause] Yeah, you're right. It's 
too topical." 


¢ Form H is a copy of the webcomic Homestuck, by Andrew 
Hussie. Physical contact with Form H enables subjects to 
telepathically communicate with any horse in the world. This 
communication typically consists of variations on "neigh" and 
"*snorting noise*", which can only be properly interpreted by 
the subject and causes the subject to become a "horse 
person". 


¢ Form | is a copy of the Terms and Conditions for Apple Media 
Services (including iTunes, etc.). Form | is incapable of fitting 
into any USB socket, regardless of its orientation. 


¢ Form J is a copy of Ulysses by James Joyce. Subjects who 
read any content from Form J develop a sexual fetish for 
flatulence that mirrors Joyce's own. Seriously, look it up if you 
think this is fake. Or don't — it's gross. 


¢ Form K is a comprehensive compilation of the manga Jojo's 
Bizarre Adventure by Hirohiko Araki. Form K is accompanied 
by the appearance of an autonomous, muscular humanoid 
construct composed entirely of sheets of paper. This construct 
identifies itself as "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, as in the song name. 
[pause] Well, | don't know, someone has probably named 
something else after that, so | decided to clarify. Not like it 
matters." It is theoretically capable, by way of a rapid series of 
punches, of imparting the property of being "too long" on any 
document; however, in most cases, this simply results in the 
destruction of the affected document. 


¢ Form L is, currently, a copy of the primary documentation for 
SCP-3571. The exact nature of Form L varies at irregular 
intervals, but all iterations have thus far been Foundation 
documentation. Form L is sapient and telepathic, and will 
make frequent demands to be let outdoors. When placed 
outdoors, it will instead demand to be placed indoors. 


¢ Form M is acopy of Les Misérables by Victor Hugo. Form M 
is a millennial. *rolls eyes* 


¢ Form Nis a copy of Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon. 
Form N is quite the rascal, and when allowed, will get up to all 
sorts of mischief. What follows is a list of The Things Form N 
Is Not Allowed To Do At The Foundation. 


1. Yeah, no, I'm not writing this. Not even for the sake of 
stretching the article's length. It would just be annoying. 

2. If | wanted to do a long-form parody of the Bright List, it 
would be its own thing. And | don't. It's just horrifically 
unfunny, outdated, and rife with 'edgy' humor that 
shouldn't see the light of day in 2017. EDIT: Or 2018. It 
was at like +735 when | wrote this. God. 

3. There's no point in doing a less-humorous satire either, 
because even an overwhelming success would 


basically just drop it from +958 to like, +600. As if that 
matters. 

4. Form N is not allowed to feed anything with peanut 
butter to Cain. 

5. The whole "getting serious in the middle of a joke SCP, 
as meta-humor" thing is because | can't actually think of 
a joke to make about it. 

6. | almost blame Bright for not just deleting the damn 
thing, but frankly, I'm in no position to talk. 

7. If this bit stays in past the editing stage, something has 
gone horrifically wrong. 

8. Eh, fuck it. If SCP-3999 can do it, so can I. 

9. Any suggestions that The Thgins From N Is Not Awleold 
To Do At The Fooiadnutn be edited are "What? Oh, for 
the love of God, do you seriously need me to give a 
quote? [pause] Fine, they crimp Form N's style. And 
please do some editing before you put this in the final 
version.", and will result in the removal of the 
suggestion box until further notice. 


Form O is a copy of House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. 
Form O renders readers mysteriously incapable of giving a 
straight answer to the question "I need help writing an SCP, 
could y'all name some things that you considered reading, but 
decided not to because they were too long?". 


Form P is a copy of Crime and Punishment by Fyodor 
Dostoyevsky. When read, Form P will generate a series of 
probabilistic anomalies that result in the delivery of a peanut 
butter sandwich to SCP-073. 


Form Q is a copy of Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes. 
When provided with internet access, Form Q will frequent 
online chatrooms to discuss memes, communism, and LGBT 
issues. For this crime, it deserves to be executed by the 
Global Occult Coalition. 


Form R has only been observed on one occasion, in which 
SCP-TLDR-J was approached by Junior Researcher 
Riseborough, who had stated that she intended to read SCP- 
TLDR-J regardless of length. Form R is a complete transcript 


of the song | Know A Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves. 
Casualties were extensive. 


¢ Form S is a copy of An Antiquated Guide to Avoiding Writer's 
Block, by R. Sebastian. When read, Form S will generate a 
series of probabilistic anomalies that result in SCP-073 
regurgitating a peanut butter sandwich. 


¢ Form T is a copy of War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. Form T 
produces trivially infohazardous objects at a rate of once per 
week, many of which appear to contain references to people 
who scream at video games on camera or something. The 
task of analyzing and cataloging these manifestations has 
been delegated to a team of Junior Researchers at Site-19. 


¢ Form U is a copy of The Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien. 
When read, Form U will generate a series of probabilistic 
anomalies that result in a peanut butter sandwich gaining 
sapience and self-replication abilities, eventually overrunning 
Site-17. SCP-073 will be enlisted to neutralize the anomaly by 
feeding it to Dr. Kain Pathos Krow, who will smack his lips for 
thirty minutes thereafter. 


¢ Form V is a copy of this document. SCP-TLDR-J will morphify 
(?) into Form V whenever this document is read, and 
subsequently breach containment, transmorphormogrifying 
(??? I'll look up the right word and edit it in later) into this 
document. Then, if a subject who has thought about Under the 
Dome by Stephen King within the past two hours reads it, 
SCP-TLDR-J will develop a pronounced "bitter almond" scent. 


Hey, quick question. | read this whole document through, and when | 
got to the end, SCP-TLDR-J killed me with cyanide gas. Why was 
this possibility not accounted for when drafting the documentation ?- 
Site Director Sloane 


We honestly didn't expect anybody to read it.- Dr. Cage 


Understandable. Make sure Vang puts a disclaimer about that in his 
final draft of the containment procedures.- Site Director Sloane 


Can do. By the way, sorry about the whole "killed me with cyanide 
gas" thing. Are you alright?- Dr. Cage 


I've been better.- Site Director Sloane 


SCP-004-J: Stan from Accounting 


Item: SCP-004-J 
Object Class: Euclid Thaumiel 


Special Containment Procedures: The entity is currently housed 
in the Site-08 North Wing, Accounts Payable office, from Monday to 
Friday between the hours of 0800 to 1700 hours local, with 1 hour 
from 1200 to 1300 hours local spent in the North cafeteria, or 
traversing from there back to his desk. The entity may occasionally 
need to use the restroom, take breaks by walking the North Wing 
corridor, or receive water from the water fountain. In the long-term, 
the entity can be contained by biannual performance reviews 
indicating that we are pleased but think the entity is capable of more, 
and annual raises equivalent to rate of inflation, plus four percentage 
points. The entity may also be enticed to remain in containment by 
pointing out the low cost of living, easy commute and quality public 
parks. 


Description: SCP-004-J is Stanley Nichols, a Certified Public 
Accountant (CPA) (Univ. of Michigan, 1978) and former Chief 
Financial Officer for [REDACTED], currently employed by the 
Foundation. SCP-004-J is roughly 180cm tall and weighs roughly 
75kg, Caucasian, with thinning brown hair and brown eyes. The 
entity has been in Foundation containment since July 1991, 
ostensibly in reply to a job posting. The anomalous properties of the 
entity manifested after the job was awarded, during mandatory 
psych and low-level amnestic administration. The staffer assigned to 
the task flatly refused to administer amnestics to the entity, claiming 
that SCP-004-J was "a real visionary," and that "[it] would be a 
waste of drugs, and a needless CapEx hit." After a brief convention 
by the hiring department, the Compulsion and Cognitohazard Unit, 
and Site-04's subject matter expert on hazardous humanoids, the 
agreement was made to contain SCP-004-J under the premise of 
hiring them for the desired position in accounts payable. 


SCP-004-J appears to be a very capable accountant and has made 
commendable efforts in both lowering our annual capital 
expenditures budget while streamlining our vendor and purchase 
process for operating expenditures. Furthermore, their holistic 
approach to purchasing and leveraging the growing 
internationalization of the supply chain has caused a sea change in 
our view of the synergistic possibilities to creating a budget-concious 
deliverable, leading to a paradigm-shift of crowd-sourced 


It appears the entity was in my vicinity briefly. To summarize, 
SCP-004-J has a distinct cognitohazardous field that will interfere 
with thought processes, overriding thought patterns with new ones 
that encourage growing a business through a set of jargon 
commonly used by C-level executives ("buzzwords") while also 
impairing the ability to think critically. CT scans of foundation 
employees in the field of SCP-004-J show a lowered neuron 
excitement state in the occipital cortex and the hippocampus. 
SCP-004-J was classed as Euclid in August of 1991. 


SCP-004-J was reclassed as Thaumiel in October of 1992 following 
a near-total containment breach in August of 1992 caused by 
structural damage suffered during Hurricane Andrew at Site- , 
during which SCP-004-J was exposed to SCP-106, which is classed 
Keter and invariably hostile to human life. Rather than panic or hide, 
SCP-004-J began discussing the importance of residual income and 
annuities when structuring a quarterly budget. SCP-106 appeared 
rapt with attention, materialized a business card and agreed to join 
SCP-004-J for a "lunch and learn" at his soonest convenience. 
Further testing has shown that the cognitohazard surrounding 
SCP-004-J affects not only humanoids, but every sentient lifeform 
that has been exposed. 


In furtherance of a hypothesis posed by Drs. McGinley and White, 
SCP-004-J was stationed outside the containment cell of SCP-682, 
at a safe distance but close enough to have the notorious creature in 
its cognitohazardous field. Audio follows: 


Audio Log 004-J-E-682-001 
SCP-682: Kill... (inaudible)... killing... 


SCP-539: The Perfect Distraction 


Item #: SCP-539 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-539 is to be kept ina 
padded case, to remain locked at all times, unless a supervisor with 
a minimum Security Clearance Level of 2 is present to observe, and 
only during potential testing of its phenomena. Physical contact with 
SCP-539 is forbidden unless approved testing is being conducted. 


Description: Object is a thin, round disc composed of an 
undetermined material. While there appears to be corrosion around 
the edges, testing has determined that the marks are not the result 
of oxidation. When thrown, an event will occur in the immediate 
vicinity that will draw attention away from its thrower. These 
distractions have no observable pattern of any sort. However, it has 
been determined that the distraction will be more overwhelming in 
proportion to the difficulty of removing attention from the user. Due 
to the unpredictable nature of SCP-539's effect, testers are currently 
advised to throw it as far as possible from themselves. 


Addendum: Test Notes 


Test 539-1: Security personnel ordered to line up all with clear lines 
of sight on tester, with instructions to not break eye contact with 
tester under any circumstances. When the disc was thrown, the 
security personnel experienced a "sudden wardrobe existence 
failure", causing all of them to lose eye contact with the tester, being 
more concerned with the loss of clothing and the issue of the climate 
being rather uncomfortable to a nude security guard. 


Test 539-2: Tester was dressed in bright and eye catching clothing 
for this test. Tester was alone with security personnel in an empty 
office. Security personnel ordered to maintain constant eye contact 
with tester. When the disc was thrown, the entire building's fire 


Dr. White: SCP-682, could you repeat that? 
SCP-682: Killing... bottom... line. 
Dr. White: I'm sorry? 


SCP-682: Amortization... buying in this economy... 
sucker bet. 


Dr. White: SCP-682, do you own property here? 


SCP-682: Synergize assets... leverage intellectual 
capital for... flagship product. 


(Note from Researcher: At this point, three common 
white mice are introduced into SCP-682's containment 
cell. SCP-682 normally devours prey on sight.) 


SCP-682: Ahhh... a conference call. | sense... 
redundancies... we must smartsize... to better push the 
envelope... in our core competencies. 


(SCP-682 then dismembers and eats two of the three 
mice.)