SCP-2800 has been diagnosed with several mental disorders, 
including dysthymia (chronic depression), and hero syndrome. 
SCP-2800 expresses an extreme desire to assist others, and 
intervene in situations, even if it is incapable of rendering any form 
of assistance in such situations. 


SCP-2800's inability to assist in many situations is believed to have 
been a cause of its dysthymia. SCP-2800 has expressed frustration 
in many cases due to its self-perceived inability to provide useful 
function to others, and has attempted self-harm in the past. 


SCP-2800 was captured by the Foundation while the organization 
was attempting to track and contain a reality-bending SCP object 
that had breached containment. SCP-2800 was found attempting to 


assault the escaped SCP object, although this proved largely 
ineffective. After the containment breach was resolved, the 
Foundation convinced SCP-2800 to be contained. 


SCP-2800 has been provided a number of potted cacti, after its 
request for them was approved by psychological staff, on the 
grounds of improving SCP-2800's morale. 


Further crosstesting of SCP-2800 with other cactaceous anomalies 
— such as SCP-1277, SCP-1478 and SCP-822 — has been 
proposed and is currently pending approval. 


Interview Log 2800-1: 


Interviewer: Dr. Louef 
Interviewee: SCP-2800 


Dr. Louef: Morning, SCP-2800. How are you today? 


SCP-2800: Hey doc. I'm pretty good. Got some nice sun 
today, feeling full of energy! Cactusman is ready to fight 
some crime. Just point me at the criminals, haha! 


Dr. Louef: That's good to hear. On that subject, I'd like 
to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind. 


SCP-2800: Sure, go ahead! The little buddies were 
getting boring, anyways. 


Dr. Louef: How did you acquire your...abilities, and what 
were the circumstances surrounding your use of them, 
prior to your relocation to the Foundation? 


SCP-2800: To be honest, doc, | dunno. | woke up one 
day, and boom, cactus powers. Thought that | might as 
well use them for good, right? | always grew up reading a 
lot of comic books. Always loved the X-Men as a little 

kid, so | thought | was one of them. Heh. | thought | was 
the luckiest guy in the world, ending up with 
superpowers. Doesn't every kid wish that they could be a 
superhero? 


Dr. Louef: Was there any other motivation? 


SCP-2800: Well, to be honest....! got picked on as a kid 
a lot. Lot of bullies at my school beat the crap out of me 
all the time. | just wanted to give back, you know? Do my 
share to help others in need. | didn't want what 
happened to me to happen to anybody else. 


Dr. Louef: And that led to your current status? 


SCP-2800: Yeah. | got out there, and dubbed myself 
"Cactusman! The Spiked Menacel" Has a pretty good 
ring to it, don't you think? Took me a while to come up 
with it. | decided to go out there and show the world what 
a superhero looked like. My uh...first mission didn't go so 
well, though. 


Dr. Louef: What happened in your first mission? 


SCP-2800: Drug dealers, man. | hit one in the face and 
left some spines in there. Felt pretty good about myself 
until his buddy hit me back. They beat the crap out of 
me, until the cops showed up. | was in the hospital for a 
while, until | hit the streets again, to patrol for crime. Had 
to show that Cactusman wouldn't be put down by those 
petty criminals, right? 


Dr. Louef: And what happened then? 


SCP-2800: | tried to do my best. Patrolled some back 
alleys after work every night. Sometimes, | got lucky, and 
saw some situations going on. Though uh...| didn't do a 
lot to help. 


Dr. Louef: Can you elaborate? 


SCP-2800: Almost every time that | went out to fight 
crime, | got beat up by the thugs that | was trying to stop. 
Sure, | got a few good hits in and left some spines in 
them, and maybe bruises here or there, but there wasn't 
much else. They had knives and stuff too. | didn't have 


any of that stuff. What kind of a hero uses a knife? Gotta 
show a good message to the kids, right? Superheroes 
have to be good models for the kids. 


Dr. Louef: Of course. Can you describe the incident 
leading to your discovery? 


SCP-2800: Oh man, what a great case that was! | found 
out that there was some serial killer who had gone 
uncaught by the police for months now. | heard that he 
was some real psycho who forced his victims to enjoy 
what he was doing to them. Thought if | could get him, I'd 
break into the big business. | stumbled into his hideout, 
and he got me good. Thankfully, you guys helped me 
though....wish | could do the same. 


Dr. Louef: Now, about your abilities: You've 
demonstrated many of them, but the one that you haven't 
described is your empathic connection to other cacti. 


SCP-2800: Oh yeah, | can talk to them. They're my little 
sidekicks! Meet: Cactilad and Spikigirl! 


SCP-2800 presents two potted cacti. 


SCP-2800: They say hi, by the way. They don't talk to 
other people much. 


Dr. Louef: What do cacti talk about? 


SCP-2800: Oh, not much. They're a quiet folk. "It's 
bloody cold in here," "I'm thirsty,” "| am a cactus,” and 
what-not. Not much else. Doc, | have a question for you 
though. 


Dr. Louef: Yes? 


SCP-2800: Is there, ah, anything that | could do for you 
guys? 


Dr. Louef: No, | don't think so. 


SCP-2800 looks disappointed. 


SCP-2800: Well... let me know, okay? Cactusman is 
always ready to help fight evil, you know. 


Dr. Louef: I'll be sure to let you know if something 
comes up that requires your talents. 


Incident Report 2800-1: While searching surveillance camera 
footage in the places where SCP-2800 claimed to have lurked, 
surveillance camera footage from a late-night subway was found, 
involving SCP-2800. The following is a transcript of the event: 


A woman and a child are seen waiting at a subway 
station. A man wearing a balaclava is seen to appear 
from behind a support pillar, and approach the pair while 
brandishing a knife. 


The woman and child begin to back away, but are 
stopped by the wall behind them. The child clutches to 
the woman. The man gestures with the knife. The 
woman begins to open her purse. 


SCP-2800 enters into view, behind the masked man. 
SCP-2800 proceeds to walk up to the masked man, and 
punch him in the lower back and chest. The man recoils 
in pain, and it is seen that SCP-2800 had left several 
spines in the masked man's back. 


SCP-2800 proceeds to tie the man's hands. The woman 
is seen to shake SCP-2800's hand vigorously, and 
embrace him. SCP-2800 kneels on the ground. The child 
is seen to embrace SCP-2800. SCP-2800 appears to be 
emotional. 


The woman makes a call. The child is seen to pull out a 
piece of paper, and write something on the paper. As 
SCP-2800 begins to walk away, the child calls it back. 
The child hands SCP-2800 the paper. SCP-2800 writes 
something on the paper, and hands it back to the child. 
Shortly after, police officers arrive on the scene. 


« SCP-2799 | SCP-2800 | scP-2801 » 


SCP-2802: Un-woodpeckers 


Item #: SCP-2802 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: Due to the massive population 
and widespread distribution of SCP-2802, complete containment is 
impossible. The Foundation has therefore decided to focus on 
observation, tracking, and destruction. A global contingent of 
Foundation field agents has been assigned to capture specimens 
belonging to the taxonomic subfamily Picinae and conduct medical 
examinations and scans in order to determine their status as non- 
anomalous Picinae or as specimens of SCP-2802. 


Captured specimens of non-anomalous Picinae are to be banded 
prior to release, while captured specimens of SCP-2802 are to be 
terminated. Any captured specimens of SCP-2802 that exhibit non- 
standard properties are to be tagged with miniature GPS trackers. 
All tagged specimens of SCP-2802 are to be monitored at all times 
from Area-22, and any changes in behavior or physiology from 
established norms is to be immediately reported to the current 
project administrator. 


Several captive specimens of SCP-2802 are to be contained ina 
large free-flight aviary at Area-22, and are also to be observed for 
changes in established behavior or physiology. All eggs produced by 
captive specimens of SCP-2802 are to be confiscated, and all 
hatchlings are to be hand-raised by properly trained personnel. Non- 
anomalous Picinae hatchlings are to be banded and released into 
the wild upon reaching maturity, while SCP-2802 hatchlings are to 
remain in containment. 


Following Incident 2802-1, all personnel tasked with directly 
handling specimens of SCP-2802 are to wear full-body protective 
equipment with proper resistance to acidic and chemical agents, as 
detailed in Document 2802-Alpha. 


binary data obtained from the disc-reader (see below) before and 
after breakage/reformation. 


SCP-328 has been in the possession of the Foundation since - 
-18 , when it was recovered from [DATA EXPUNGED]. Until - 
-19 , the purpose and nature of SCP-328 was uncertain. In an 

accidental breakthrough, SCP-328 was inserted into an 

experimental disc drive that had been treated with [REDACTED] as 
part of the [REDACTED] project (see Addendum 328-1). SCP-328, 
when used with this reader, produces binary data. 


Multiple cryptographic analyses of the binary code produced indicate 
that at least some of it is a description of data contained on 
SCP-328. An algorithm for converting the binary into ASCII code has 
been developed, and the current extent of translation is appended 
as SCP-328-01. Veracity of this data is uncertain, but given the 
coherence of the data produced it seems unlikely it is a random 
‘fluke’. Curiously, the data obtained is written in over thirty (30) 
known languages (transliterated into Roman characters) in what 
appears to be a single article. 


Further attempts to directly access and translate the data on 
SCP-328 have proven labour-intensive, and full funding for the 
project has been pulled. Dr. E has announced that anyone with 
relevant skills (cryptography, data storage/recovery, or linguistics in 
particular) is welcome to take up translation of SCP-328 as a "hobby 
item". 


Addendum 328-1: As Project [REDACTED], which produced the 
original SCP-328 data reader, has been canceled for over a decade, 
Dr. E has lodged a formal request for O5 clearance to remove 
the redaction, allowing anyone working on SCP-328 to consider this 
information. Permission is pending. 


SCP-328-01: 


This comprises the main body of the documents translated from 
SCP-328. Much of the actual log consists of random ASCII 
characters, which may be untranslatable text, untranslated text, or 
may correspond to some other type of information. All data has been 
translated into English for ease-of-comprehension. The original, 


Description: SCP-2802 is an anomalous form of life with a 
superficial resemblance to bird species of the subfamily Picinae 
(woodpeckers, piculets, and wrynecks). Specimens of SCP-2802 
are completely externally identical to the Picinae species that they 
resemble. However, their internal anatomy is considerably divergent 
from any known vertebrate life form. 


Specimens of SCP-2802 lack traditional bony endoskeletons, 
instead possessing hydrostatic skeletons more reminiscent of those 
possessed by echinoderms (crinoids, sea cucumbers, starfish, etc.) 
than of any vertebrate organism. Several fluid-filled cavities located 
within the neck, torso, wings, and legs are surrounded by muscles 
that change shape and arrangement based on changes in fluid 
pressure, allowing for movement. In addition, the muscle tissue of 
SCP-2802 specimens is composed of cartilaginous cells that grant 
the boneless body additional structural support. Despite these 
skeletal and muscular differences, SCP-2802 movement is 
indistinguishable from non-anomalous Picinae movement patterns. 


The SCP-2802 body cavity is occupied nearly entirely by a complex 
system of tough yet flexible rubbery tubes containing an acidic 
yellow fluid, primarily composed of fluoroboric acid (H3OBF,), 
sulfuric acid (H2SO4), and bromine trifluoride (BrF3). This singular 
organ system, known as the "monovascular system", seems to 
serve multiple purposes analogous to those of traditional vertebrate 
cardiovascular, digestive, nervous, and respiratory systems, carrying 
nutrients and electrical impulses throughout the body with the 
assistance of ten small multi-chambered heart-like "acid pumps" 
located at various points within the torso. The monovascular system 
appears to be more efficient than traditional vertebrate organ 
systems, transmitting electrical impulses more quickly and not 
producing any digestive waste. In addition, the unpleasant smell and 
potent corrosive nature of SCP-2802 internal acid deters predators 
from attacking or consuming wounded specimens of SCP-2802. 


The reproductive systems of SCP-2802 specimens are 
indistinguishable from those of the Picinae species said specimens 
resemble. A specimen of SCP-2802 is capable of breeding with non- 
anomalous specimens of the Picinae species it resembles, or with 
any other specimen of SCP-2802; for example, a specimen of 


SCP-2802 resembling a Hispaniolan woodpecker (Melanerpes 
striatus) can breed with a specimen of SCP-2802 resembling a 
black-rumped flameback (Dinopium benghalense) or with a non- 
anomalous specimen of M. striatus, but not with a non-anomalous 
specimen of D. benghalense. Eggs laid by participants in SCP-2802 
breeding can hatch into specimens of either SCP-2802 or the non- 
anomalous parent species, with each egg laid having a roughly 
equal chance of either outcome. 


Behaviorally, specimens of SCP-2802 are largely identical to the 
Picinae species they resemble, feeding, nesting, migrating, and 
breeding in identical manners. However, specimens of SCP-2802 
often show hostility to their own young, neglecting to feed their 
hatchlings, or occasionally simply pushing them out of the nest. 
Examinations of hostilely treated hatchlings indicate that specimens 
of SCP-2802 only treat their non-anomalous offspring this way, and 
raise SCP-2802 hatchlings as normal. 


Current observation indicates that, as of this writing, specimens of 
SCP-2802 comprise approximately percent of the planet's 
woodpecker, piculet, and wryneck populations. 


Discovery: SCP-2802 was discovered in 18 , when an ivory-billed 
woodpecker (Campephilus principalis) that had been shot for 
specimen collection purposes by naturalist displayed 
anomalous internal anatomy. All C. principalis specimens collected 
by Foundation agents after this initial discovery displayed the same 
anatomy. After several living specimens were contained by the 
Foundation, a concerted effort to drive the wild population of 
SCP-2802 to extinction was undertaken, out of fear that SCP-2802 
posed a threat to natural ecosystems or to humankind. 


SCP-2802 extinction efforts were believed to have succeeded, as all 
C. principalis sightings after the year 1948 have been 
unsubstantiated. SCP-2802 was classified as Neutralized until 1985, 
when additional Picinae species began exhibiting the same 
anomalous internal anatomy as the original C. principalis 
specimens. As no negative effects on natural ecosystems or human 
health could be conclusively proven to have been caused by the 
presence of SCP-2802, the current band-tracking program was 
initiated to determine the movement patterns of SCP-2802 in 


comparison to non-anomalous Picinae and their effects on their 
environments, if any. 


Addendum: Incident 2802-1