Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to give navigational directions 
to Site 19 anywhere, even especially to Foundation personnel. 
The SCP Foundation does not have any such position as 
"Chief Defenestrator". 


1. Wrong. 
1. Agent Clef is not allowed to create new positions. 


Any proposed containment procedure that includes the phrase 
"Giant Robot" is to be automatically rejected. 

Excessive force is not the same as the Force, therefore using 
it does not make Dr. Bright a Jedi. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-914 to craft items from 
Team Fortress 2. 


1. Yes, a Medigun would be a useful tool for the 
Foundation medical staff. No, we are not going to waste 
any more SCP-500 attempting to make one, especially 


132. 


133. 


134. 


135. 


136. 


not after SCP-427. 

2. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-914 to craft items 
from Minecraft, either. Also, your "Diamond Pickaxe" 
has been confiscated. 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell future hosts that "You are about 
to become very Bright". 


1. And he can't tell anyone that "Possession is nine-tenths 
of the law". 

2. Dr. Bright is not allowed to refer to D-class personnel as 
"extra lives". 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to send SCP-1004 over an email 
message. 

No matter the electricity savings, no product of SCP-158 is to 
be used for illumination. 

SCP-001 is not Dr. Bright's penis. 


1. The hammer is not his penis. 
2. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use his genitals for 
construction purposes. 


Dr. Bright possesses the ability of consciousness transfer and 
the artifact SCP-963. He does not possess any of the 
following: 


. "laser" eyes. 

. "laser" nostrils. 

. "laser" [REDACTED]. 

a Green Red ANY Lantern Ring. 

an "adamantium" skeleton. 

Anduril. 

. Mjolnir. 

.amap leading to "ALL OF THE NAZI GOLD". 
. the "Ancient" medallion. 

. a copy of the Necronomicon. 


— 


1. A King James version of the Necronomicon. 


11. cybernetic implants of any kind. 


137. 


138. 


139. 


140. 


141. 


142. 


143. 


144. 


12. the "Dragonzord". | don't care how you did it, put it 
BACK. 

13. the 7th Element of Harmony. 

14. infallible "gaydar". 

15. infallible "jewdar". 

16. the touch. 

17. the power. 

18. the "secret" 

19. telepathy. 

20. telekinesis. 

21. the original filming model of any fictional spacecraft. 

22. 1337 H4x00r sKi1 1z. 

23. the 6th sense. 

24. The ability to distinguish between butter and | Can't 
Believe It's Not Butter. 


If Dr. Bright's current form is sighted near an armory without 
express permission, initiate Evacuation Procedure - . 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to test SCP-826 with his self-authored 
comic book entitled "Dr. Bright and the 79 Virgins" Playboy 
magazines anything. 

#%"&@Dr. Bright iz a genius! Second best only to meh! he & | 
are buds lolz!#$%* 


1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to give SCP-732 access to this 
document. 


1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to give any SCP access 
to this document without O5 approval. 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new D-Class personnel that 
SCP-439 has escaped into the barracks. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to convince other personnel that they 
are actually Dr. Bright. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge SCP-082 to a drinking 
contest. (Even if he's positive he can win.) 

We have never had a Jamaican Vacation Giveaway, Dr. 
Bright is not in charge of it, and SCP-342 is not the official 
Foundation Travel Voucher. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed access to SCP-243 except under 
strict supervision. | think we all remember the great marital-aid 


145. 


146. 


147. 


148. 


149. 


150. 
151. 
152. 
153. 


154. 


158, 


156. 


Lor, 
158. 


migration of 2011. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge Dr. Gerald to a race 
involving any sort of vehicle. Dr. Bright is not allowed to 
challenge Dr. Gerald to a race involving anything. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to access the IT department hotline 
access the IT department database access any networking 
equipment belonging to the IT department. 

Dr. Bright is not to bring samples of SCP-1361 to Foundation 
potlucks, barbeques, or charity food drives. 

SCP-963 is not a ‘soul gem’, and making a contract with Dr. 
Bright will not turn you into a ‘magical girl’. 


1. Not even if he includes a 'magical girl outfit’. 
SCP-137 is never to be used on sex toys. 


1. Under no circumstances is Dr. Bright allowed to expose 
SCP-137 to Warhammer 40K minifigures. Again. Not 
even in an attempt to terminate SCP-682. 

2. Or anything made by Wondertainment. 


Not allowed to have Able get into arguments with forum trolls. 
Dr. Bright is not allowed to go trick-or-treating, ever. 

Able is not Kratos. 

Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to produce, create or remind 
staff of "SCP Robot Wars". 

Copies of SCP-1981 are not to be submitted to "America's 
Funniest Home Videos". 


1. Or posted on YouTube. 
2. Or on YouPorn. 
3. Or to Tosh.0. 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to "Just Say No!" to O5 orders on the 
grounds that they are instances of SCP-5200-J. 

Dr. Bright is also not allowed to refer to O5 Command MTF 
commanders the Janitor any Foundation personnel as "the 
cool kids". 

Dr. Bright is not the "final boss" of anything. 

Dr. Bright has not "won the internet" and is not authorized to 
declare that any other individual has done so. 


159. 


160. 


161. 


162. 


163. 
164. 
165. 
166. 


167. 


1. Nor is he allowed to claim or distribute instances of 
SCP-335 under said premise. 


Dr. Bright is not to show junior staffers his 'cutie mark’. 


1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-137 on any Hasbro 
product. 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to "take SCP-1187 for a morning 
ride". 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to submit any incident reports to the 
Darwin Awards. Not even if you are sure it would win. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to teach SCP-1370 to play multiplayer 
video games. It was not an improvement giving it the 
vocabulary of the average preteen _ player, or introducing it 
to the concept of "teabagging." 

The eye-pods do not need hats, bow ties or any other form of 
clothing. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to use expunged data in SCP reports 
as "mad-libs." 

Robo-Dude is not a piece of the Broken God. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to create an anatomically-correct 
body pillow modeled after SCP-173, SCP-105, SCP-999-J, 
SCP-076-02, or Dr. Crow. 

The following are not appropriate sources for D-class 
personnel: 


. Temp agencies. 

. Craigslist. 

. Reality show talent pools. 

. Jerry Springer tapings. 

. "Orphans." 

. "Urchins." 

. "Ragamuffins.” 

. "Those sons of bitches who scratched up my paint job 
at the car wash." 
9. Ex-girlfriends. 

10. Ex-boyfriends. 

11. Ex-partners of any gender variation whatsoever. 

12. Staff members’ in-laws. 

13. Youtube comment threads. 


CONOaARWN = 


some sort of process here that allows for this to happen, 
it can't just "happen" because "it works." 
Dr. 


Addendum: SCP-545 was located in a small Midwestern town, 
under the guise of an elderly woman with mild dementia. The woods 
her residential neighborhood were located in led to an area near a 
river that was prone to sinkholes and had a small history of children 
becoming lost or dying in the woods before. Her neighbors describe 
her as kind and caring, and had no suspicions that she may be 
anything more than a lonely, elderly widow with a penchant for 
giving neighborhood kids small treats in return for collecting their 
used glass bottles. She was located and captured by [DATA 
EXPUNGED] 


From SCP-545-A's own memory, she has been repeating the same 
process for quite a while. She buys a small house in a relatively 
dangerous area and keeps the supplies for SCP-545-C with her, or 
manages to find and produce them. She collects glass bottles via 
the neighborhood and over time gains their trust. She describes the 
process of capturing children for SCP-545-C as being relatively 
easy. She simply goes for a walk and pretends to be lost, or talks 
kids into accompanying her home under the promise of food and 
candy. She admits to doing this at least once every five years or 
more. 


She claims to have been using this process for at least 800 years, 
but has admitted that even though her aging has slowed to a crawl, 
it hasn't stopped completely, no matter how much SCP-545-B she 
produces and ingests. 


SCP-545-B is not to be used or distributed even in cases 
of emergency. Failure to comply will result in termination. 
O05 


« SCP-544 | SCP-545 | SCP-546 » 


. Forum trolls. 

. Angsty teens. 

. Bad applications to the SCP Foundation. Two 
exceptions have been made, but the rest are off limits. 

. Occupy Wall Street. 

. The Tea Party. 

. The Green Party. 

. The "Green" Party. 

. The Gathering of the Juggalos. 


1. How the fuck do they work? 


168. The following items are not SCPs: 


169. 


170. 
171. 


172. 
173. 


. Rainbows. 

. Double rainbows. 

. "Rainbooms", whether sonic or otherwise. 

The tides. 

The Moon. 

. "Fucking magnets". 

. Rocks that skip three times before they go underwater. 

. Soy cheese. 

. Hippies. 

. Hipsters. 

. "MILFs." 

."G-MILFs." 

."GG-MILFs." 

. "Actually funny SNL skits" As these do not exist, they 
cannot be SCPs. 

. Anyone's breasts. 

. People who can solve Rubik's Cubes (of any size). 

. Shiny Any Pokemon. 


Nobody ever refers to Dr. Bright as "Tim" and he is no longer 
allowed to introduce new personnel to SCP-524. 

The platypus is not an SCP. No, really. No, not even an -EX. 
Dr. Bright is not allowed to test internet "Creepypasta" rites 
using Class-D personal. 

SCP-963 is not a "Millennium" item. 

Dr. Bright should refrain from trying to convince SCP-237 to 


beco 


me a "Brony". 


174. 


eon 


176. 


177. 


178. 


179; 


180. 


181. 


182. 


183. 


1. Not even to improve his disposition. 
2. For that matter, trying to make SCP-042 a Brony will 
just make things worse. 


Putting an equine, no matter how small, through SCP-914 on 
very fine again is strictly forbidden. 


1. No you cannot keep it. 


The answer to a containment breach is never to "recruit a 
team of teenagers with attitude”. 


1. Or to "send five rings to five special young people". 
2. Or to ask junior staffers if they are "bad enough dudes" 
to contain the breach. 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to claim he "has been trained to 
conquer galaxies". 

Dr. Bright may not attempt to neutralize SCP-682 using "the 
Power of Friendship", "the Power of Love", or any other sort of 
"Power" which has not been proven to actually exist. 

Dr. Bright does not remind anyone of "the babe with the power 
of voodoo", and is not allowed to tell anyone else that they 
remind him of same. 

The Chaos Insurgency has no interest in "summoning 
Daemons to the material universe to serve the Ruinous 
Powers of Chaos" and therefore, Dr. Bright is not permitted to 
inform new researchers otherwise. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to write a SCP-582 account in order 
to deal with junior staff members who get on his nerves. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to stick refrigerator magnets to 
Foundation equipment SCP-914 SCP-882 SCP-217 victims 
piece of the Broken God Any magnetic objects within 
Foundation control. 

SCP-1916 only works if administered orally. We know this. 
There is no reason to test further, Dr. Bright. 

The Realdoll™ Dr. Bright purchased does not have security 
clearance for anything. 


1. Not even if it writes reports better than Dr. Kondraki. 


184. 


185. 


186. 
187. 
188. 


189. 


190. 


191. 


192. 
193. 


194. 


195. 


"Why not?" is not considered authorization for SCP cross- 
testing. 

The foundation has no Mobile Task Force dedicated to the 
capture and containment of forum trolls. 


1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to found a new Mobile Task 
Force dedicated to the capture and containment of 
forum trolls. 


The Serpent's Hand is not a synonym for masturbation. 

"Yo mama" is not "so ugly SCP-096 didn't look at her." 
SCP-173 is not a babysitter. Having SCP-173 play 'Where's 
the baby?’ is downright cruel. Not, as Dr. Bright claims, 
‘[EXPLETIVE] hilarious." 

Dr. Bright is no longer invited to the Annual Foundation 
Holiday Party. 


1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to host his own Foundation 
Holiday Party. 
2. The Foundation Holiday Party is cancelled indefinitely. 


SCP-682 does not have a Wondertainment logo stamped on 
its upper palate. 


1. or on its posterior. 


Playing the song "Thriller" in the presence of SCP-008 victims 
is expressly forbidden. 


1. Letting out SCP-008 victims and punching them "to 
simulate Minecraft" is also forbidden. 

2. Pushing several agents in front of SCP-008 victims "to 
simulate Resident Evil" is not a valid excuse, either. 

3. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed near victims of SCP-008. 


SCP-682 will not be sated by the ritual sacrifice of a virgin. 
Filming, directing, or performing in celebrity sex tapes are not 
appropriate work assignments for Mr. Deeds. 

Anything involving the words "elephant sauce". Site 19 is still 
recovering from the last incident. 

"| like a little junk in the trunk" is not valid authorization to feed 


196. 


187; 


198. 


199. 
200. 


201. 


202. 


203. 


204. 


205. 


206. 


207. 
208. 


209. 


SCP-1575-1 to an elephant. 

Dr. Bright is, under no circumstances, to attempt possession 
of SCP-682. 

"| touched SCP-1453 a lil’ while ago" is not a valid excuse for 
any containment breach. 

"No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" does not imply that pants 
and undergarments are not required parts of the dress code. 


1. Doubly so, since, "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service," is 
not a part of any official foundation dress code. 


Dr. Bright is not to use this list as a resume. 

Dr. Bright shalt not may not begin his sentences with "Thou 
shalt not", even especially in the presence of SCP-343. 

Use of double triple quadruple ANY number of negatives to 
obtain security clearances will result in the repetition of 
kindergarten swift punishment. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to recreate any experiment seen on 
the television program "Mythbusters" using any SCP. 


1. Especially not if he "can do it better." 


Regardless of whether or not it exists, Dr. Bright certainly 
does not enjoy diplomatic immunity as the local Consul of the 
Islamic Republic of Eastern Samothrace. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer aphrodisiacs to 
colleagues anyone under the guise of administering 
amnesiacs any medicine by any means or for any reason 
whatsoever. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to put SCP-278 into SCP-914 on 
coarse "so | can learn to make more of them." 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to transfer copy upgrade relocate 
SCP-079 onto ANY form of high capacity data storage device. 
SCP-1156 is not Dr. Bright's "royal steed". 

Dr Bright is not allowed to use SCP-1543-J to launch 
SCP-727-J into itself. Again. 

Even if Dr. Bright is wearing an eyepatch, he is not allowed to 
"Keel-Haul" anyone. 


1. Not even on "Talk Like a Pirate Day”. 
2. Talk Like a Pirate Day is not allowed to be celebrated at 


210. 


211. 


212. 


213. 


214. 


215. 


216. 


ae 


218. 


219: 


Site . Any personnel violating this rule will walk the 
plank be severely disciplined. 

3. There is no such thing as "Talk Like a Ninja" day, and 
Dr. Bright is not allowed to create it. 


Introducing SCP-682 to SCP-002 "just to see what will 
happen" is NOT recommended. Don't even think about. 


1.1 SAID STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! 
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to interview new personnel. 
1. Even Especially not if they ask for him. 


Dr. Bright is not Kenny. We also ask new researchers (and 
Bright) to stop referring to him/self as such. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to play "SCP Roulette" with SCP-173, 
a light switch and any combination of D-class and new 
personnel. 

Dr. Bright is not to ask SCP-738, "What would you want in 
exchange for not making this deal with me?"