Smashmaster!, a single-issue comic book 


Wait what? Wait, what? Why is he doing this? Why is 
she doing that? What’s wrong with his arm? What’s 
wrong with her boobs? Who paid for this? Who paid 
money to read this? Why are they wearing tights in the 
arctic? Did this guy ever go to art school? What does this 
monologue even MEAN? Why does this exist? WHY? 


A United States 1040 income tax form 


You know what would be great? A flat rate sales tax. You 
get more tax revenue due to the lack of exceptions, it's 
already graded for wealth levels, and you get to gut ALL 
of the IRS. 


Oh wait, America. 
Sultan of Spice, a romance novel. 


AND THEN THEY FUCKED AND GOOD GOD THIS 
PROSE IS PURPLE. [Written one letter a page.] 


A recording of “Like a Rolling Stone” by Bob Dylan 


[Voice sings along throughout the entire song. Voice is 
notably off-tune. The singing is occasionally interrupted 
by interjections “Yeah!” “You tell ‘em, Bob!”] 


Prince Hamlet’s soliloquy in Act 1, Scene 2 of Hamlet. 
GODDAMMIT SHUT UP. 
French art-house film Joyeux Fromage 


[Entire commentary is in fluent French, criticizing the 
writing and acting, though praising the imagery.] 


A video recording of SCP-1722 experiments. 


Oh look, it’s a guy with a stick. Wonderful, wonderful. 
Another guy walks in, “Hey Bob, how’s it going?” “Oh, 
you know, just holding this stick here.” “Oh really that 
sounds interesting! Here, hold this book.” “Gee wiz, 
Frank, now I’m holding both a stick and a book and 
aaaaaaaaaaaargh do something already! 


« SCP-1721 | SCP-1722 | SCP-1723 » 


SCP-1723: Radio Intercepting Woman 


Item #: SCP-1723 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1723 is to be contained in 
a humanoid containment cell that has been modified to act as a 
Faraday cage, blocking any incoming radio broadcast. Due to 
several ailments related to SCP-1723's age, a doctor is to be on-call 
for SCP-1723 at all times, since there is the possibility of a sudden 
medical emergency. SCP-1723 is to be confined to the cell at all 
times. 


Description: SCP-1723 is a human female of Uzbek descent, 
approximately 90 years old. The subject stands at 1.4 meters tall, 
with grey hair, and weighs 39.2 kilograms. SCP-1723 is able to 
receive the contents of any radio waves passing within 300m of the 
subjects location, with SCP-1723's spine and brain acting as the 
receiver. SCP-1723 "hears" these broadcasts as disembodied 
voices. The subject can pick up on any radio signal broadcasted 
between the frequencies 88Mhz and 245Mhz. All broadcasts are 
heard in real time. The subject can pick up on any broadcast, 
regardless of the level of encryption. SCP-1723 can understand 
messages sent in Uzbek, English, Russian, French, German and in 
Morse code. 


Briefly contained in 1958, it was recovered in 1996, from a mental 
hospital in the Russian Federation, where she was being treated for 
her Alzheimer's disease and Dissociative Identity Disorder. 
SCP-1723 came to the Foundation's attention when reports of a 
patient able to hear mobile phone transmissions reached agents 
embedded in the local military. When agents arrived to investigate 
SCP-1723, the subject began repeating classified information being 
broadcast over the agents radios. SCP-1723 was taken into 
containment, and classified as Safe. 


The subject is suffering from several degenerative conditions, 
including Alzheimer's disease, osteoarthritis, cataracts, and 
deafness in the left ear, with limited hearing in the right. Note that 
the deafness does not affect the subject's ability to "hear" radio 
broadcasts. In addition, SCP-1723 has suffered multiple broken 
bones and minor brain damage at some point in the past, which was 
not treated properly. SCP-1723's dissociative personality manifests 
as an imitation of the personalities belonging to several Cold War- 
era politicians and military figures, including [DATA EXPUNGED]. 


FMRI scans of the subject's cranium have revealed several small 
"dead zones" in the frontal lobe. These appear to be related to 
SCP-1723's radio ability, as they "light up" when radio waves are 
being received. 


Addendum: During the investigation that resulted in SCP-1723's 
capture, a small datebook was found in the subject's cell. It appears 
to have been used as the subject's diary during the time SCP-1723 
was held captive by the GRU. Very little of the diary is legible, and 
only a few entries are relevant. 


...Do not know how long | have been held captive. My 
name is , and | have been held in this facility for 
about three weeks. | have been here since | told my 
district supervisor about the voices, and that | had been 
hearing them ever since that metal tower was 
constructed. | am hungry, and scared, and | do not know 
what they will do to me. If you read this, please send me 
help. Please tell my mother | am still alive. 


... They tell me that | should be honored, to be trained as 

a field agent. They say that they are going to have to put 
me through "obedience training.” | do not know what they 
mean, but at least | am not going to die. | will allow them 

to put me through whatever process need be, so | can go 
back to the village. 


They take me to Germany, to Poland, to Turkey, and | 
write what | hear. | am the voices. they tell me 
everything. Sometimes there are many voices, and 
sometimes there are few. | am the chancellor. | am the 


ambassador. | am all of the people in my heads. Who 
else would | be? la 


| think | am losing my mind. these lucid periods keep 
getting shorter and shorter, and the haze gets overlong. | 
am afraid that if | cant perform my duty they will kill me. | 
don't know what to do. | must try to stop the haze, to 
recover. For my mother. 


| don't know how much longer | will be like this. It's 
tearing at me, gnawing at the corners of my mind. It 
wants me to slip back into their shoes, the voices. Their 
voices come from everywhere now. | can't walk near a 
metal tower without having an incident. Nobody 
understands what | am going through. They won't let me 
go home 


From this point on, the entries are indecipherable. The only other 
legible entry is a note located on the back of the datebook, 
apparently written by an agent of Division "P" in the GRU. 


As of this time, Project S33 has been cancelled. Object 
$33 is no longer able to transcribe any radio signals, and 
is unable to perform basic life functions on her own. We 
have been contacted by an American organization willing 
to take her off our hands for a hefty sum. In the 
meantime, we have interned her at a mental facility. 
Personnel who had been assigned to Project S33 are to 
be reassigned. Documents relating to S33, such as this 
diary, are to go with the object. 


« SCP-1722 | SCP-1723 | SCP-1724 » 


SCP-1724: Soul Meter 


Item #: SCP-1724 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1724's components are to 
be contained inside three separate Safe level containment 
chambers, positioned at least 20 meters away from one another. No 
personnel are permitted to interact with these components outside of 
testing. Persons who have measured over 900 when tested with 
SCP-1724 are to be terminated immediately. 


Description: SCP-1724 is a large mechanical device, manufactured 
out of components developed in the early twentieth century. 
SCP-1724's components weigh, in total, 423 kilograms, and take up 
an area of 34 square meters. SCP-1724 does not require electricity 
to run, as it appears to run on an internal power source. SCP-1724 
is composed of three primary components, designated SCP-1 724-1 
through -3. SCP-1724-1 is a large glass orb supported by a brass 
stand, with a valve and several rods that emit an electrical current 
into the orb. SCP-1724-2 is composed of several large steel rods 
connected by wire that emit large amounts of gamma radiation when 
SCP-1724 is active. SCP-1724-3 is a large chair with two television 
monitors built into the side. This chair has several instruments 
designed to attach to the human body. 


SCP-1724's anomalous effect will activate if a person sits in 
SCP-1724-3 while SCP-1724's components are within 20 meters of 
each other. If this occurs, the different components of SCP-1724 will 
activate. SCP-1724-1 will begin to exude green colored smoke, and 
the valve will begin to turn at an accelerated pace. Note that, at this 
point, the radiation emitted by SCP-1724-2 will not have any effect 
on the person seated in SCP-1724-3. After approximately 30 
minutes have passed, the television monitors located on 
SCP-1724-3 will begin to display images. These images usually 
relate in some way to the person seated in SCP-1724-3, however 


their context is usually impossible to determine. This will continue for 
an additional thirty minutes. It is not known at this time what this 
number corresponds to. 


After this process finishes, a number between 0-999 will appear on 
SCP-1724-3's monitors. This will be accompanied by a voice giving 
commentary on the number. It is unknown what portion of SCP-1724 
produces this voice, as SCP-1724 contains no instruments capable 
of producing sound. These comments will usually be critical in 
nature, with more criticism given with a lower score. For a partial list 
of statements produced by SCP-1724, please refer to Addendum 
1724-A. 


Persons affected by SCP-1724 will experience a 10-15% decrease 
in their reaction time, mental acuity, and will experience difficulty 
forming rational thought. The affected person will begin to exhibit 
symptoms of sociopathy. These will become more pronounced with 
repeated exposures to SCP-1724. In addition, they will become 
more outgoing, attempting to have as much attention as possible 
focused on them at all times. 


SCP-1724 was recovered during a raid on a facility belonging to a 
religious group known as the Fifthist Church, after persistent reports 
of supernatural activity reached Foundation agents embedded in a 
local military installation. The facility appeared to have been 
constructed to house SCP-1724. SCP-1724 has been classified as 
Safe as of / /1989. 


Addendum 1724-A: Partial list of statements made by SCP-1724. 


In regard to a score of 567, to D-0987. 

Sister, you got the feeling inside you. But you ain't ready 
yet. You have to go, girl. You have to go out there, and 
get some flavor for that soul. Ride into a sunset, or be 
someone you never thought you could be. 

D-0987 made several requests to be transferred before 
monthly termination. Requests were denied. 


In regard to a score of 109, to D-9541. 
| don't know brother. You don't have it in you. The 
feeling. The rhythm. It ain't something a man can learn. 


You gotta be born with it. 

D-9541 expressed signs of severe depression and 
anxiety. Self-terminated before monthly termination could 
be carried out. 


In regard to a score of 789, to D-8234 

Whoa there friend, slow down! You got somethin’ the 
other cats don't. You get it. You know that some of the 
things out there just ain't the way they ought to be. A real 
go-getter. You're ready, son. | can feel it in my bones. 
D-8234 expressed signs of contentment and raised 
endorphin levels. D-8234 terminated at the end of the 
month. Body shown to continue smiling after death. 


In regard to a score of 997, to D-1249 

(Fifteen second pause.) Brother, | have seen some 
things. Things that would make your eyes pop and 
dribble like eggs on a Sunday morn. And this soul is 
something else. The aroma, the spice, the feel... It's 
something else, brother. Talk to Big Top sometime. | 
think he'll wanna have an audience with you. 

Seven days after the experiment took place, D-1249 
disappeared from Foundation custody. Location currently 
unknown. Testing discontinued. 


« SCP-1723 | SCP-1724 | SCP-1725 » 


SCP-1725: Servant Enhancements 


Item #: SCP-1725 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1725 is to be held ina 
Safe Containment cell, located at Site-77's Safe SCP division. 
This locker is to be secured with an electronic locking system. Any 
persons affected by SCP-1725 who are found outside of 
containment are to be held and questioned about possible 
involvement with the group of interest Marshall, Carter, and Dark 
Ltd, followed by the administration of a Class-B amnestic. 


Description: SCP-1725 is an ornate brass box, with an area of 
approximately 4x3x3 meters. SCP-1725 has a panel attached to its 
left side, with a dial that can adjust to nine different settings. There is 
also a terminal, which only activates when the dial is set to '9’. 
SCP-1725 does not require any outside power source to function, 
and does not produce any type of waste. The words "Marshall 
Carter and Dark Ltd" have been embossed onto the bottom of 
SCP-1725, and onto the top of the control panel. 


Any persons who enter SCP-1725 are subject to its anomalous 
effect. Any person within SCP-1725 when the dial is changed will 
have one of nine physical mutations applied to them. These 
mutations correspond with the options on SCP-1725's control panel. 
The mutations are designed in such a way that they cause the 
persons body to mimic popular fashion accessories such as earrings 
and high heels. For a complete list of possible SCP-1725 mutations, 
please see Addendum 1725-A. 


SCP-1725 was recovered on / /1989, from an auction being held in 

, GA. It is believed that this auction had been set up by the group 
of interest Marshall, Carter, and Dark Ltd. During the raid on this 
auction, SCP-1725 was recovered, along with approximately 54 
other items. Testing revealed that SCP-1725 was the only 


anomalous item that had been secured as a result of this raid, and it 
was classified as Safe on / /1992. This auction card was recovered 
with SCP-1725: 


MARSHALL, CARTER, & DARK LTD. OFFICIAL 
AUCTION CARD. 

Just imagine, having the most fashionable servants 
amongst anyone in your social circle. Seeing them writhe 
in jealousy as a servant who Is always up with the latest 
trends comes up and serves you the finest foods and 
drinks. But keeping all of your staff up with the times can 
be expensive. With this lovely piece, you can be the one 
who has all the gentlemans clubs abuzz. They will say 
your employees have the elegance and poise that no 
other can match. And it can be all yours, for a price of 
only £950000. And if the staff ever start getting uppity 
about their predicament...give them some time with 
option nine. 


Addendum 1725-A: Log of physical mutations resulting from 
SCP-1725. 


LOG OF PHYSICAL 
MUTATIONS. 

Setting One "Hoops-Earrings" The person will begin to grow 
large circular holes in their ears. 
These circular areas will grow 
muscular tissue in order to keep 
the circular shape. 

Setting Two "Heels" Affected persons will grow large 
bone protrusions from their heels, 
with additional scar tissue 
growing to cover it. This growth is 
both rapid and extremely painful. 
These protrusions can cause 
extreme defects to the person's 
existing bone structure due to the 
stress caused by the sudden 
additional bone growth. 

Setting Three "Dangle-Earrings", Persons will develop large 


Setting Four "Horned Glasses" 


Setting Five "Wings" 


Setting Six "Beauty" 


Setting Seven "Fantasy" 


growths from each ear, and will 
develop smooth colorful growths. 
These growths will occasionally 
become fused to other portions of 
the body such as the shoulder, 
neck, face, and chest, depending 
on the size of the growths. 
Persons will grow large bone 
protrusions around the eyes, 
resembling horn-rimmed 
spectacles. These new growths 
are extremely sensitive, and are 
easily damaged. In addition, there 
is a 16% chance of the new 
growths becoming fused to the 
eyes or eyelids.