Statement: "Shark Punching Centre" 

Result: SCP-1459-1 instance was generated wearing a shark 
costume. Instance was terminated via bludgeoning with a boxing 
glove. 

Note: Cookie was shaped like a boxing glove with the Letters "SPC" 
on it. 


Player: Dr. Geralds 

Statement: "Conversion of 0.1% of body mass into antimatter" (Dr. 
Geralds was behind a protective screen while making this 
statement) (test was unauthorized) 

Result: An SCP-1459-1 instance was produced. After approximately 
15 seconds, the instance of SCP-1459-1 was destroyed almost 
instantly in a powerful explosion. As in Experiment #: 0239, The 
resulting explosion was completely contained by SCP-1459. 

Note: Raisin cookie was determined to be heavily flavored with 
Capsicum chinense, commonly known as habanero peppers. 


Player: Dr. A. Maliss 

Statement: "Antimemetics" 

Result: According to supervising staff, no SCP-1459-1 instance was 
produced. Despite this, a cookie was dispensed as normal. 


Player: Researcher T. Umen 


Statement: "Please, take me instead!" 

Result: An SCP-1459-1 instance was produced, along with a large 
pillow and two steel bowls filled with dog food and water. 
Approximately 5 minutes after initial activation, the SCP-1459-1 
instance was killed via default bludgeoning method, and a robotic 
arm extended from and pulled Researcher Umen into SCP-1459. 
Researcher Umen remained within SCP-1459 for 2 days, during 
which he was provided dog food and water three times daily. On the 
end of the second day, Researcher Umen was forcibly expelled from 
the slot normally used by SCP-1459 to dispense cookies, along with 
a handwritten note reading "Nice Try." 


Player: Dr. B. O'Doyle 

Statement: "O'Doyle Rules" 

Result: Five instances of SCP-1459-1 produced along with a 
[REDACTED] Station Wagon appropriately sized for the 
SCP-1459-1 instances. Instances enter the vehicle and begin 
synchronized barking. Top hatch opened and a mechanical arm 
dropped a banana peel onto floor. The vehicle drove over the 
banana peel causing it to slide into the front of SCP-1459 at high 
speed. The vehicle then caught fire and exploded. Back wall of 
SCP-1459 opened and a mechanical arm wielding a red fire 
extinguisher model [REDACTED] emerged and put out the fire. 
Note: Cookie produced consisted of various types of manure. 


Player: Dr. Crocket 

Statement: "Noodles" 

Result: Unknown. After an instance of SCP-1459-1 was produced, 
a curtain covered up the box. A variety of sounds including 
lawnmowers, saxophones, Billy Joel's "Piano Man" Song, and others 
were heard. After 10 minutes, the curtains lifted and relieved 
SCP-1459-1 dead. An olive on a stick was stuck in its back, and it 
was wearing a football helmet. 

Note: Nothing related to noodles even happened. 


Player: Dr. Edison 

Statement: "Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo" 

Result: A SCP-1459-1 and four instances of American bison (Bison 
bison) are produced, all of which dressed in "University of Buffalo" 
apparel. Two of the bison then proceed to headbutt and cajole the 


other two Bison, leading to them accidentally trampling the 
SCP-1459-1 instance. 

Note: Cookie produced was a sugar cookie covered in buffalo 
sauce. 


Player: Dr. Cooke 

Statement: "Mortal Kombat" 

Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 were produced, one wearing 
yellow and one wearing Blue. The one wearing yellow threw a knife 
attached to a chain at the other instance, before pulling them 
together and ripping off the other's head. 

Note: Cookie was coated with blood. 


Player: Dr. Little 

Statement: "Don't kill anything" 

Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 appear. One instance had a 
gold-plated collar labeled "Anything". The second was bludgeoned 
in the default method. 

Note: "| don't know what | expected, honestly." - Dr. Does Little 


Player: Dr. Clair 

Statement: "Drowned in SCP-447-2" 

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of 
extermination had been previously used. 

Note: Dr. Clair was demoted and reassigned. 


Player: Dr. Edison 

Statement: "In Soviet Russia, puppy kill YOU!" 

Result: A single sugar cookie appears within SCP-1459's chamber. 
An entity resembling Josef Stalin emerges from a trap door below 
the chamber, and repeatedly smashes the cookie with a hammer. 
Rather than a cookie, several bloody chunks of dog flesh were 
dispensed. 


Player: Dr. Carlson 
Statement: "Censorship" 
Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Player: Researcher 
Statement: "Tert-butyllithium." 
Result: Instance of SCP-1459-1 released. Robotic arm with a pipe 


on the end descended from the hatch, spraying a liquid hypergolic 
with the atmosphere in the room. Instance of SCP-1459-1 rapidly 
expired due to combustion of tissue. 

Note: Cookie dispensed had high levels of lithium salts. 


Player: Dr. Senaviev 

Statement: "Suspicious Circumstances" 

Result: Instance of SCP-1459-1 released, followed by fog that 
obscured vision inside the chamber. When the fog dissipated, 
SCP-1459-1 was revealed to have been shot several times. 


Player: Dr Snargle 

Statement: "| have a severe egg allergy” 

Result: Robotic arms pelted instance with several dozen eggs. 
Instance appeared confused, but unharmed. Eggs broke open on 
impact, and instance began eating their contents. After several 
minutes, instance became distressed and began clawing at its face, 
then began experiencing difficulty breathing, and eventually 
suffocated. 

Note: Cookie dispensed had no traces of eggs. 


Player: Dr Reynolds 

Statement: "World War Three" 

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 (Boston Terrier), wearing a 
cowboy hat and a US flag cape, was released on the left hand side 
of the machine, alongside a miniaturized LGM-30 Minuteman III 
missile. Shortly thereafter, a second SCP-1459-1 instance (Black 
Russian Terrier), wearing a Red Army Ushanka, was released on 
the right hand side of the machine, alongside a miniaturized SS-18 
missile. Both instances proceeded to bark at each other for fifteen 
minutes, after which both missiles launched themselves at the 
opposing instances. The resulting nuclear detonations were 
completely contained by the machine. 

Note: Dispensed cookie was decorated with frosting arranged to 
make the hazard symbol for ionizing radiation. Analysis showed it to 
contain trace amounts of iodine-131. 


Player: Dr. Westrin 

Statement: "Metaphysics" 

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 was released. After 
approximately 20 minutes, the instance received injuries consistent 


with being bludgeoned with a hammer. No cookie was dispensed. 


Player: Dr. Westrin 

Statement: "Pataphysics" 

Result: A robotic arm extended from SCP-1459 and, through 
unknown narrative methods, proceeded to bludgeon the 
SCP-1459-1 instance in the "Metaphysics" entry. It is currently 
unknown how this was accomplished. 

Note: The word "META" was written in frosting on the cookie. 


Player: Dr. Crocket 

Statement: "Stupidity" 

Result: 3 instances of SCP-1459-1 appear. Two of the instances 
were wearing custom dog-fitted shirts, reading "Vaccines are Death 
Injections" and "God Hates [EXPLETIVE REMOVED)" respectively. 
The two shirted instances, hereby SCP-1459-1-B and -C 
respectively, with the shirtless instance being -A, proceeded to bark 
at SCP-1459-1-A for 15 minutes. Throughout the 15 minutes, 
SCP-1459-1-A appeared physically distressed, covering its ears and 
attempting to ignore SCP-1459-1-B & -C. Eventually, SCP-1459-1-A 
self-terminated via repeated blunt force against SCP-1459's glass 
case. SCP-1459-1-B & -C terminated via the standard bludgeoning 
method. 

Notes: This test may indicate that 1459 has opinions; alternately, it 
may fit subjective opinion around the user. 

Honestly can't blame the little guy. I'd probably have done the same. 
- Dr. Crocket 


Player: Junior Researcher Cuthbertson 

Statement: "Marijuana Overdose" 

Result: One instance of SCP-1451-1 is released. A mechanical arm 
feeds the instance five peanut-shaped cookies. After about nine 
minutes, instance begins to show signs of THC intoxication. 
Instance does not appear distressed, as is common for canines who 
have ingested marijuana. After another eleven minutes, a hatch at 
the top of the machine falls open and a metallic slide lowers, 
terminating in a bowl. Additional peanut-shaped cookies are 
dispensed, which SCP-1451-1 proceeds to voraciously devour. 
Cookies are continually dispensed. Visible distention of the stomach 
shows after five minutes. The instance continues to eat for another 


three minutes until the stomach ruptures internally. Instance 
continues to attempt eating dispensed cookies for four minutes until 
it dies, apparently of internal hemorrhaging. 

Note: Dispensed one brownie, infused with THC. 


Player: Junior Researcher Cuthbertson 

Statement: "Reefer Madness" 

Result: Three instances of SCP-1451-1 are released. A mechanical 
arm feeds one instance (hereby -A,) a single peanut-shaped cookie. 
After four minutes, instance begins to show the following symptoms; 
dilated pupils, reduced motor skills, loss of balance, excessive 
drooling, heavy panting, and distressed vocalizations. After two 
minutes, the remaining instances (hereby -B and -C,) approach 
SCP-1451-A. SCP-1451-A proceeds to yelp and stagger away from 
SCP-1451-B and -C. After fleeing for three minutes, SCP-1451-A 
then begins to show signs of aggression, growling, barking, and 
baring its teeth. SCP-1451-A begins to viciously attack SCP-1451-B. 
SCP-1451-C attacks SCP-1451-A, but the instance does not appear 
to notice until the termination of SCP-1451-B. While SCP-1451-A 
has suffered significant damage, it has little difficulty terminating 
SCP-1451-C. SCP-1451-A dies of blood loss from its sustained 
injuries after five minutes. 

Note: Dispensed one brownie, infused with THC and approximately 
10mg PCP. 


Player: Dr. Carlson 

Statement: "Selachian Pugilism" 

Result: The machine releases a single instance of SCP-1451-1 
before filling with water. It then releases an entity resembling a small 
anthropomorphic shark. The entity is armed with boxing gloves. The 
shark-like entity proceeds to bludgeon SCP-1451-1 until it perishes, 
at which point it swims back into the ceiling hatch. 


Player: Researcher Garnier 

Statement: "Do your worst" 

Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] 

Note: Researcher Garnier and other researchers present 
administered amnestics and sent to psychological counselling. The 
cookie produced by SCP-1459 was in an advanced state of 
decomposition. 


Player: Researcher Risotti 

Statement: "Agincourt" 

Result: A man in the garb of a 13th-century English longbowman 
manifests, and shoots SCP-1459-1 with an arrow, impaling it. The 
bowman then leaves through the floor hatch. 

Note: Instead of a cookie, SCP-1459 produced a miniature 
baguette. 


Player: Researcher Risotti 

Statement: "Weebery" 

Result: Two instances of SCP-1459-1 are produced, one of which is 
morbidly obese, wearing a miniature fedora, and carrying an 
appropriately-sized katana. A recorded voice is heard saying "Bij 
4% 55EA ClL1S" ("you are already dead" in Japanese) followed by 
another recorded voice saying "{=J!?" ("What!?"), after which the 
sword-wielding SCP-1459-1 disembowels and beheads the other 
SCP-1459-1; it then commits seppuku. 

Note: Two cookies were dispensed. The cookies were white 
chocolate with red strawberry sauce on the middle, resembling a 
Japanese flag. 


Player: Researcher 

Statement: "Procedure 110-Montauk" 

Result: SCP-1459-1 harmlessly removed through the hatch. A 
slightly different version of the default message ("You are definitely 
going to Hell for this") plays. 

Note: One (1) plain cookie was produced; analysis indicated that it 
contained lethal amounts of cyanide. Researcher amnesticized. 


Player: Dr. Silva 

Statement: "Music" 

Result: SCP-1459 played a sound effect indicating the method of 
extermination had been previously used. 


Player: Dr. Silva 

Statement: "An orchestra" 

Result: Several instances of SCP-1459-1 are produced and begin 
playing appropriately-miniaturized violins, harps, cellos, trumpets, 
keyboards, and various others. After 90 seconds of music, one 
instance strikes another instance in the head with the slide of a 
trombone (possibly by accident); this triggers a fight, in which 


instances bludgeon and strangle each other with their instruments. 
The last survivor is the instance wielding a conductor's baton, who 
bows to personnel, then collapses and dies. 


Player: Dr. Plidowski 

Statement: "The Holy Inquisition" 

Result: SCP-1459-1 manifests apparent symptoms of rabies, after 
which six (6) instances of juvenile Swiss mountain dogs, dressed in 
miniature Swiss Guard apparel, are produced, along with a single 
juvenile Argentine mastiff dressed in miniature Papal garb. They 
bark three times at the first SCP-1459-1, and then watch as 
SCP-1459 produces mechanical arms holding gasoline canisters 
and a matchbox, which it uses to light the first instance on fire. The 
other instances were terminated by the default bludgeoning 
procedure. 

Note: Cookie was a host. 


Player: Researcher Voct 

Statement: "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY 
and 2" 

Result: An instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. One bee emerges 
from the hatch, and stings SCP-1459-1. The instance dies of 
apparent anaphylaxis. 


A second instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. The tank rapidly fills 
with water and seaweed; the instance drowns, and is removed via 
the trapdoor, and the water and seaweed drain out. 


A third instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. Mechanical arms 
emerge from the ceiling, holding a bra, with which they strangle the 
instance. 


A fourth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, wearing stereotypical 
"raver" clothing and carrying glowsticks. Electronic music plays 
loudly and lights flash as the instance dances, stopping periodically 
to consume unidentified pills which are offered to it by the 
mechanical arms; after four hours, the instance manifests signs of 
MDMA overdose and dies. 


A fifth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. A crude but 
recognizable effigy of political figure [REDACTED], wearing signs 


that say "| HATE VOTERS", "| BETRAYED MY COUNTRY", and "1 
HATE DOGS" manifests, and falls on the instance, crushing it. 


A sixth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, carrying an intravenous 
injection kit, plastic bag of powder, and bottle of liquid; notably, the 
instance is visibly malnourished and trembling, with multiple bald 
patches and sores. The instance mixes the powder with the liquid, 
injects the liquid into its own forearm, and then loses consciousness. 
A mechanical arm emerges from the ceiling, and pokes the instance, 
who twitches. Fifteen minutes later, the mechanical arm pokes the 
instance again; again, the instance twitches. This continues every 
fifteen minutes for three hours, at the end of which the instance is no 
longer responsive. 


A seventh instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. Its eyes swell up so 
much that they fall out of their sockets, but are still attached. The 
instance begins panicking, and begins pawing at the eyes, which by 
this point are larger than the instance's head; eventually, the 
instance falls such that the eyes roll on top of its head and crush its 
skull. 


An eighth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced. An estimated 30 
blue jays (Cyanocitta cristata) emerge from the hatch and attack the 
instance, pecking it to death. 


A ninth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, and given a large 
trough of water. As the instance drinks, mechanical arms emerge 
from the ceiling hatch, holding a large bucket of powdered metal. 
The arms then invert the bucket over the trough. As the powder 
contacts the water, it explodes violently, killing the instance. 


A tenth instance of SCP-1459-1 is produced, and crushed under a 
giant lemon.