"Are you kidding me?" Jim replied. "That Able guy was completely in 
business for himself. | don't wanna see that guy in a locker room 
ever again. At least that little slug they got to fight Terry knew how to 
work a match." 


"Don't worry about that," Vince said. "I've seen the buyrate. Even if 
these Foundation guys don't just dope our entire fan base with 
amnestics, nobody's even gonna remember this thing in six months 
anyway." 


"Good," Jim said. 


"Speaking of those Foundation guys," Vince said, "one of them 
asked me to give you this." He handed Jim a plain white envelope, 
marked only with the Foundation's trefoil logo. "See you on 
Monday." 


Jim walked out the door into the performers-only lot at the back of 
the arena. Even from here he could smell the lingering smell of 
blood and gore from the 682 match. At least he only had to fight one 
insane monster that night, he said to himself. He stepped into his 
rented Toyota and started the engine. As he waited for the heater to 
chase away the winter chill, he opened the envelope and read the 
strange missive within; 


To: James "Warrior" Hellwig 
From: Gen. M. Bowe 


You have been selected as a candidate for Mobile Task 
Force Q-7. Report to MTFL Able, Site-19, 3/16/91 for 
briefing and physical examination. 


Ducit ad viam victoria miles. 


Issue 100 


"What the hell do you mean there's been a breach?" 


"Well, no SCPs have broken out, but... someone's made a video 
about us. Specifically, the comic books we keep finding." 


"So some small-time comic nerd makes a video about us. 
Confiscate the comic, kill the vid and shoot him up with Class-A's." 


"It's not going to be that easy, sir..." 


Lewis Lovhaug (AKA Linkara): Hello, and welcome to 
Atop the 4th Wall, Where Bad Comics Burn. Today, 
we're talking about something kind of obscure, the comic 
"Tales of the Foundation Force Five". 


(Stock music starts playing over images of Foundation 
Force Five comic panels and covers) 


Linkara: This thing has only been around for about 20 
years or so, but god damn did it reproduce quickly. This 
is like the tribbles of comic books. Published by Super 
Comics Publications, the Foundation Force Five focuses 
around five members of the fictional SCP Foundation, a 
global entity that "Secures, Contains, and Protects". 
Specifically, they Secure and Contain anomalous items 
they call "skips" and Protect humanity from their harmful 
effects. And the writing team gets really creative with the 
items that show up in the comic. How creative? 


(video cuts back to Linkara speaking to the camera) 


Linkara: There are almost two thousand skips that are 
known in the comic's universe. That's right, two 
thousand. The amount of effort it must take to come up 
with new items for every freakin’ storyline is... | don't 


even know. Geez. 
"All right, so who is this guy?" 


"Lewis Lovhaug, sir. Professional comic book reviewer, works for 
That Guy With The Glasses dot Com..." 


"Weren't they the bozos who reviewed Edison's damn movie?" 
"Yes, sir." 
"Shit." 


Linkara: The Foundation Force Five was started during 
the speculator boom, and became very successful by not 
having one, not two, but at least four comics published in 
a single month, depending on the writing team. This was 
so that they could get storylines over with faster, and so 
far, there are over 700 issues. Just to make it clear... this 
comic, in less than 20 years, has produced as many 
issues as The Amazing Spider-Man has produced in 
FIFTY. That's over 35 freakin’ issues a year, and Super 
Comics Publications still finds time to publish Monthlies 
like Wondertainment's Kiddy Book for Kids! That's epic. 


Linkara: Sadly, the issue we're looking at today is 
decidedly less epic. Released as a special 100th issue 
about three years into the comic's run, this thing deals 
with... we'll you'll see. 


(Linkara holds up Issue 100 of the Foundation Force 
Five, clearly displaying its cover) 


Linkara: So let's dig into Tales of the Foundation Force 
Five #100 "Brother's Keeper", and see what happens 
when you combine Liefeldian proportions with writing so 
insane Frank Miller would have you committed. 


"This dork has his own theme song? Kinda catchy. Also, who's 
Frank Miller?" 


"Comic book writer. Did some Batman stuff that was really popular 


back in the '80s." 
"Stuff my kids might like, do ya think? They love Batman." 
"...you read The Dark Knight Returns and tell me, sir." 


Linkara: The cover shows us a picture of Femme Fatale, 
AKA Dr. Rights, the only female member of the FF5. 
She's standing in the shadow of a 7-foot-tall overly- 
muscled beast, who is Able, or SCP-076-2. Yes, that's 
Able as in the Biblical Able. Now, the proportions on Able 
are acceptable; in previous issues, he’s been shown to 
be really god-damn buff, and also really tall. The problem 
| have here is with Dr. Rights, who... well, just LOOK at 
it! 


"He's right. A person's spine isn't supposed to bend that way." 


"What do you mean? | think it looks kind of... oh, EW! It's like it's at 
a right angle!" 


"And look at those breasts. Yeesh. No wonder her back's broken." 
"Who the hell drew this?" 


"According to the video, someone going by the name of 'Redd 


Actor’. 


"Oh, and | suppose the writer is 'Dottie X. Ponge'?" 


"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" 


Linkara: The story starts out at the bottom of the Atlantic 
ocean at Site "Blackbox". Yeah, quick note, here. For 
some reason, the dialog in these comics is treated like a 
government document, with liberal use of "redacted" and 
"data expunged" thrown around. One thing that's kinda 
funny, though; when characters swear, it says "expletive 
redacted". Makes the scenes with Comrade Gunkill 
hilarious. 


Linkara: Anyway. Here at Site Blackbox, we meet 
Bodyjacker, AKA Dr. Jack Bright, in a female body this 
time around. Judging by the size of her legs, | think she's 
possessing Bayonetta. (picture of said character shows 
up in the corner of the screen) She and another scientist 
are looking in at SCP-076, the giant stone prison that 
contains Able. 


Bodyjacker (voiced by Linkara in a falsetto): How's 
the containment holding? 


Scientist: The new procedures suggested by your team 
are holding up quite well, sir-uh, ma'm, uh... sorry, but | 
don't know what to call you. 


Bodyjacker: Jack will be fine. And we don't want Abel 
going out on a rampage. You know who to call if he 
breaks out again... right, soldier? (Bodyjacker shimmies 
up close to the scientist) 


Linkara: And then a containment breach alarm sounds, 
with Able stepping out of his prison... and for some 
reason, the on-site nuke goes off, killing everyone on 
site, except for Able, who just floats to the surface. 


Linkara: | would do a gag here where | drop the comic 
and say "well that was short, see you next week", but 

quite frankly, that's getting old. Besides, you can tell by 
the bar at the bottom of the video that this isn't over yet. 


"Huh. This kid is pretty good with voices." 
"Hush." 


Linkara: After that explosion, we are shown Comrade 
Gunkill, also Known as Agent Strelnikov, in his own 
personal armory with ChowderClef, or Dr. Alto Clef. Yes, 
| am serious. The first guy has the superpower of guns, 
and the guy with the awesome hat has the super power 
of guns that shoot chowder. 


The 90's Kid: DuuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUde! Comrade 
Gunkill is awesome! He has the coolest superpower of 
all - GUNS! And it was totally radical wnen ChowderClef 
tried to blow up a star with a chowder bomb! (Pulls out a 
bowl marked "clam chowder" and slurps at it.) 


Linkara: Okay, | admit, that... that was pretty awesome. 
Also, what are you doing? 


The 90's Kid: | thought that if | eat enough of this 
Chowder stuff, I'll become just like ChowderClef! 


Linkara: Yeah, good luck with that. 
"Wait... why was he two different people?" 
"It's a gag he does. Don't ask." 

"Okay then." 


Chowderclef: Dammit, Fatale, we need Gunkill to do 
this! It takes a real man to face off against 076! 


Linkara: | AM A MAN! (punches, and brings out an 
SCP-682 plushie when he pulls back his hand) ...where 
the hell did this come from? 


(The SCP-682 plushie "attacks" and attempts to eat 
Linkara, who shoots it with his "magic gun" while 
screaming) 


"Two things: firstly, what was that?" 


"Running gag he has. Kinda like the 'We were on break!’ thing on 
Friends." 


"Okay. Secondly: What. The. FUCK!? He has a plush 682?! Where'd 
he purchase THAT!" 


"| think he made it himself. He does that with some of his props." 


"Even so... Also, that gun isn't actually-" 


"No, sir." 
"Good." 


Linkara: Bodyjacker, like an immortal troll, decides to 
pelt a freakin' Holy Hand Grenade at Able. No, seriously, 
that's what it's called. They got them, like, 50 issues ago. 


Bodyjacker: Hey, you son of a Biblical [EXPLETIVE 
REDACTED]! Have a taste of this! 


Linkara: The grenade blows up as Able catches it, and- 
JESUS! Look at all that blood! If any normal human did 
that, he'd be dead in a second! | get that this was during 
the 90's but still, Jesus. 


Bodyjacker: Genesis don't! (a montage of clips play, 
including one from from Star Trek III: The Search for 
Spock, a Sega Genesis commercial, and a clip from the 
music video for Genesis' Land of Confusion) 


"...well, that was random." 


Linkara: Of course, Able's also immortal, and shrugs it 
off, producing a sword that's bigger than him. How big? 
Just pulling it out is enough to cut Jacker in half from 
across the room. Just... huh?! | think even Cloud would 
have a hard time carrying that without killing himself! 


"This guy makes an awful lot of pop culture references, doesn't he?" 
"He's an internet reviewer, what do you expect?" 
SCP-076: Mother? 
Femme Fatale: What? 
Linkara: What? 
"What." 
"What." 


Linkara: Okay, so for those of you not paying attention, 
Able thinks that Femme Fatale is his mother, and 
apparently has quite an Oedipus complex, because a 
few panels later... 


Chowderclef: Agatha, what the hell are you doing? 


Femme Fatale: They don't call me a negotiations 
spectialist for nothing, Clef. 


Linkara: And then... she makes out with 076. I'm not 
kidding, folks. She makes out with freakin’ Able, an 
immortal, seven-foot-tall war god, to whom sex and 
sexuality are completely alien concepts. Continuity? 
What's that? Oh, also, they misspelled "specialist". (90's 
Kid Voice) Because poor literacy... is what happens 
when your book is written by Dottie X. Ponge. 


Linkara: I'm sorry, folks, but | need to take a small 
break, here. We've just seen Able making out with a 
woman who he thinks is his mother. | need a long, cold 
shower. 


(The video cuts to commercial) 
"Odd time to have a break, almost 3/4ths of the way through..." 


"I've seen enough. Get over to his house, shut down this site's 
server, use memetics to knock out people's memories of seeing this 
video, give the nerd Class-A's, and get the fucking comic." 


"Watch it through to the end, at least..." 
"Fine." 


Linkara: And so our comic ends with SCP-073 killing his 
brother, and mourning over his corpse, but not before he 
says to Rights... 


SCP-073: I'm sorry, mother. I've done it again. 


Linkara: This comic sucks! As if it weren't bad enough 


by the Foundation. The requirement of an Abrahamic 
leader's blessing, as well as using ordained Abrahamic 
preachers for the act itself, are all for the benefit of 
maintaining morale and reinforcing belief. This method 
has proved successful, as each flight since the first has 
had fewer casualties and a shorter duration. 


« SCP-615 | SCP-616 | SCP-617 » 


that the artwork is horrid and overly gory in places, the 
writing can be nonsensical, like ABLE SURVIVING A 
NUKE and whole scene with him picking up Bodyjacker's 
amulet and it only affecting him temporarily is just stupid. 
Add in the theme of incest towards the end, and the 
whole comic makes me wanna gag. 


Linkara: Don't get me wrong, people. This series can be 
very good; hell, towards the beginning, it had several 
great story arcs, and after this one, it had several more! 
My personal favorite is around Issue 76, where the team 
travels back in time and gets turned into sea slugs. But 
as for this one... well... 


(An alarm rings off screen as Linkara looks around in 
confusion) 


"What's... going on?" 


"It's a skit he has at the end of his reviews. Entertaining, if a bit 
pointless and convoluted." 


"Okay then... wait, is that guy in the Hulk Hogan costume supposed 
to be 076?" 


"And the guy with the gorilla mask is Clef. Don't ask." 


"Oh, hey, credits. Now can you send out a task force to Class-A the 
nerd?!" 


"| did it 35 minutes ago." 


"Fuck you." 


Inertiatic SCP 


The dream shaper had just been recovered from his home in El 
Paso, with the apparitions following close behind. 


The armed members of the recovery squad stood outside window of 
the scip's temporary containment chamber contemplating what to do 
next. The apparitions were lurking in and out of crevices and blind 
passages of the abandoned building's basement, screaming for the 
shaper. The monsters had just recently cut the lights, and now the 
squad was holed up and their rifles were aimed nervously over a 
flare in the doorway. 


The squad arrived to find an empty studio apartment, recently 
vacated. The only clues left behind were a broken needle and a 
journal filled with indecipherable images, black and white spheres, 
and nonsense words. 


Outside of the window they could see a man, the probable scip, 
running toward an overpass reaching over a very busy four lane 
highway. The figure made his way toward the ledge, pausing and 
looking straight ahead for a few moments. One of the squad 
members looked on through the window, motioning for half of the 
squad to follow, leaving two of their men behind in the apartment 
with the researchers. 


The attempt to intercept the suicide diver had not been a success for 
the recovery squad. The scip standing over the ledge began his 
nosedive toward the pavement before they got close. The falling 
body was interrupted by the grille of a lucky sixteen wheeler before 
hitting the pavement, and bounced back against the curb like a beef 
watermelon. 


“Moattilliatta?” voices in the hallway crackled repeatedly. 


Only creeping silence and the recovery squad’s breathing could be 
heard for the next few minutes. 


“Hope they get here soon.” 
“You're tellin’ me.” 


From the makeshift containment cell came a quick flash of purple 
light, when the squad turned they could see that the scip’s corpse 
had been replaced with a very much alive man, identical to the one 
they saw jump off the bridge earlier. 


“I guess we're getting that bonus?” One of the others asked 
nervously. 


The man in the cell slowly walked into a corner, and curled up into a 
fetal position. 


More slithering and clanking could be heard outside in the hallways. 


“The last teraquetzal returns to the ‘ESP’.” The cricketing voices 
were numerous and demanding. 


“What the hell are those things on about?” 


The rest of the squad turned their sights back on the doorway where 
the sound of clanking and slithering could be heard increasing in 
volume. Something like a giant ant’s face quickly flashed in and out 
of the doorway, barely avoiding a startled hail of bullets. 


“The fuck? 
“They're s-s-scared of bullets man...” 


The leader half-laughed, half-grimaced, “Backup should be here any 
minute, just keep fixed on that door, keep your shit together.” 


Agent Breen flipped through the old weathered journal while 
Sanders collected samples from the needle and the carpet. 


“Irradi Exerptas.” Breen said, holding the book in front of him. 
“What?” 


“That's what’s written on the front. Some of this is written in Spanish. 
What’s in the needle?”