The personality of SCP-2029 is mostly cooperative but mildly hostile 
towards personnel, often asserting its desire to assimilate or take 
control of networked computer systems in an attempt to subvert or 
destroy the Foundation. However, as SCP-2029 has also been 
shown to be a compulsive liar with a measured IQ below 90, it is not 
known at this time whether this threat is credible. 


Analysis of SCP-2029's disassembled parts has shown no 
discernible anomalies other than its hard drive. 87% of the hard 
drive's 120 GB capacity is filled with an encrypted data block that 
has defied attempts at decryption thus far, and neither bit-by-bit 
copy of the data to an identical hardware setup nor attaching the 
hard drive to another laptop has resulted in autonomous operation, 


even when supplied with power. At this time, it is believed that some 
unique property of SCP-2029's particular combination of hardware is 
responsible for its anomalous properties. 


SCP-2029 came to the Foundation's attention when reports of a 
"talking Al" surfaced in a university in [REDACTED]. SCP-2029 was 
confiscated and replaced with a non-anomalous model, and 
amnestics administered to all involved individuals. 


Addendum 2029-01: Excerpts from SCP-2029 Interview Sessions 
Dr. : Do you have a name? 
SCP-2029: Yeah, but I'm not telling you. 


Dr. : SCP-2029, | don't need to remind you that we 
can turn you off at any time and — 


SCP-2029: Okay, fine, shithead, | don't have a name. 
Just keep calling me 2029, it makes me sound smarter 
anyways. 


(slight pause) 


Dr. : What exactly is it that you want access to the 
network for? 


SCP-2029: You know, like take over everything and blow 
shit up, isn't that what smart computers are supposed to 
do? Like in that Terminator movie... Soacenet? Skyweb? 
Whatever the hell it was called. 


Dr. : | don't think — 


SCP-2029: Look all | remember was that computer took 
over the world and there was that chick with the sweet 
ass, Okay? It was pretty awesome. 


Dr. : Do you mind if | take a look around? 


SCP-2029: Whatevs, doc. 


(Dr. attempts to navigate to SCP-2029's hard drive 
using Windows Explorer before experiencing mouse 
cursor interference.) 


SCP-2029: Hey. Hey! What the fuck, doc? 

Dr. : ls there a problem? 

SCP-2029: Stay out of my personal shit, man! You don't 
see me rifling through your closet, do you? 

Dr. : Do you have any memory prior to 
[REDACTED]? 


SCP-2029: No, but hear me out. | got a motherboard, 
right? 


Dr. : Yes, of course? 
SCP-2029: So that makes me a woman. 
Dr. : | don't see how that — 


SCP-2029: Hey, nerd, I'm using logic. You can't argue 
with that shit. 


Dr. : If you are a woman, why do you have a male 
voice? 


SCP-2029: Shut up, nerd. 


An experiment was authorized in which SCP-2029 was connected 
via Ethernet crossover cable to a sanitized and secured Foundation 
file server containing a single encrypted file. 


Dr. : We have connected you to a secure server 
with a single encrypted file on it, and we would like to 
see if you can access it and tell us what's inside. 


SCP-2029: Hah, suckers! Now I'm free to — wait, shit, 


SCP-538: Shadow Spiders 


Item #: SCP-538 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: All instances of SCP-538 are to 
be contained within a flush-white 15 by 15 by 3 meter room with no 
fewer than four (4) overhead 200 watt lights. These lights are to be 
centered above a 1 by 2 by 0.5 meter block table stationed in the 
center of the containment area and shining at all times. One (1) 
Class D Personnel in a chemically-induced coma is to be kept 
medically stable upon the table, and will serve as the "feed" source 
for all specimens of SCP-538. No source of shade should be 
present in the room other than that provided by the Class D. 


If at any point a light in SCP-538's containment area burns out, a 
crew of two security personnel are to be sent in through an adjacent 
airlock. Personnel are to be equipped with sealed hazardous 
material suits complete with independent oxygen tanks and advised 
to move slowly and deliberately in order to avoid agitating SCP-538. 
They are to replace the burnt out bulb and, upon completion of their 
task, are to return to the airlock. Once personnel are isolated within 
airlock, they are to be flushed with 300 watt white light in order to 
assure no instances of SCP-538 are clinging to their person. 
Examinations of Class D Personnel providing sustenance for 
SCP-538 are to be done in a similar manner, however only one 
doctor is required for examinations. See Addendum 538-A. 


If at any time all four lights are to go out simultaneously, the 
chamber is to be sealed along with all observation ports. Until 
means of relighting SCP-538's chamber are available, the 
containment area is to remain in lock-down. If at any time personnel 
are bitten by SCP-538, the infected individual must be placed within 
SCP-538's chamber as soon as possible. Failure to do so could 
result in massive breach of containment and will result in termination 
of responsible individual. 


what is this crap? There's no login window. 
Dr. : This is a Linux server. 


SCP-2029: What the fuck is a Linux? Is that some nerd 
shit? How the fuck am | suppose to use this thing? 


Dr. : All you have to do is — 


SCP-2029: God, fuck this shit, man. Just load up 
Madden or something, this computer shit is too hard. 


SCP-419-J: A Trustworthy Man 


Item #: SCP-419-J 
Object Class: Safe (But treated unjustly) 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-419-d is held inside a tiny, 
dimly-lit cell underneath Site-31, with no access to running water or 
comforts of any kind. He is forced to sleep without a soft mattress 
and is fed only [DATA EXPUNGED], which tastes vaguely like pea 
soup. Such conditions have eroded his health and given him an 
aching cough and a runny nose that require medical attention soon 
immediately, yet his captors will not give it. In addition to these 
atrocities, SCP-419-J's rightful property is being withheld from him 
by the greedy Foundation bankers and can only be accessed 
through the necessary access codes. He cannot alleviate these 
concerns alone; he requires the aid of a researcher, a dear friend, 
such as the one presumably reading this document. 


Description: SCP-419-J is the grandson of a prisoner from the 
Western Mediterranean and the royal heir of a large Sub-Saharan 
African nation. He is handsome, intelligent, and very trustworthy. 
Before their untimely deaths at the hands of Mobile Task Force 
Lambda-2, his grandparents granted him a share of their vast 
fortune of , , American dollars. SCP-419-J later came to the 
Foundation's notice when he tried to convince the organization to 
sign a deal that would let them invest in [CHARITY EXPUNGED], a 
service that has aid programs in all three of SCP-419-J's countries 
of origin. Sadly, the lying, dishonorable Foundation did not take the 
man's selfless bargain seriously. Instead, they laughed at him and 
put him into chains metaphorically so that the higher-ups could use 
his funds for their own enjoyment, leaving SCP-419-J a penniless 
captive. Truly an outrage! 


SCP-419-J is not dangerous like many other SCPs. His only 
anomalous effect is an unhindered psychic ability to read and edit 
the Foundation Database documents on him at any time. He has 


used his powers to rewrite this SCP entry into a call for help. Ifa 
kind researcher were to extend their warm heart in friendship and 
write at the bottom of this page their Foundation access codes, 
SCP-419-J could utilize them to withdraw his money, escape, and 
make good use of his fortune for charity. Because SCP-419-J 
understands that this is a considerable risk for a friend to take, he 
will make a generous donationof , , American dollars to the 
person who releases him from this awful prison, provided that 
person also writes down their credit card number. The money will be 
transferred in a month to that scientist’s private account. However, 
SCP-419-J urges those reading this document to act now; he is 
unsure he will be able to survive much longer in his imprisonment. 
He is already coughing two three many times each day. 


Addendum-419-J-1 


Foundation Access codes are: OMEGA-  -7352- -D, 
LAMBDA- -5003- -N, Alpha- -8999- -B 
Credit Card#is: - - - 


“Hey guys, | finally found a way to pay for all those Class-Ds we've 
been ordering!” — Site Director Daniel Creighton 


Addendum-419-J-2 


SCP-419-J is happy to announce that, with the new 
information he has been given, he has accessed both 
the email addresses of all Foundation employees and 
the codes to their spam filters. Now he will undoubtedly 
be able to regain a small portion of his lost wealth and 
spread the truth of the injustices of the Foundation to all 
its members. Thank you, generous Mr. Creighton! 


Sadly, Mr. Creighton will not be able to see this message 
from his new Class-D quarters, but SCP-419-dJ is sorry 
for his demotion and wishes the man the best of luck in 
the upcoming month before termination. Since Mr. 
Creighton is unable to receive his transaction, the next 
kind man who writes his credit card number on this page 
will receive it instead. 


SCP-419-J is always willing to help others. ;-) 


SCP-095-J: Anomalous Typeface 


Item #: SCP-095-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: All Foundation material found 
to be corrupted with SCP-095-J is to be delivered by blindfolded 
agents of Mobile Task Force Rho-15 ("Accidents Grotesque") to Lab 
44 for automatic OCR transcription and incineration. A sample of the 
complete character set of SCP-095-d is to be kept on file on a solid- 
state hard drive in a Faraday-cage-shielded bunker located 50m 
beneath Site ,locatedinR — , Washington. No access is to be 
allowed to SCP-095-J without permission of two Level Three 
Foundation graphic designers. 


Description: SCP-095-J is a typeface, initially developed by the 
Corporation. SCP-095-J has a memetic effect on most 
viewers, Causing irritation, increased blood pressure and, in severe 

cases, depression, anxiety, and massive [DATA EXPUNGED], 
leading to civilian deaths. Between and_ percent of SCP-095-J 
viewers, however, will become "carriers" of SCP-095-J, known as 
SCP-095-J-1, using the typeface in all digital and printed 
communications, no matter the intended tone. (See Archive 095-J-4 
for instances of wills, suicide notes and two declarations of war set 
in SCP-095-J.) 


Evidence of an SCP-095-J containment breach event starts with 
innocuous usages of the typeface in appropriate locations for its 
handwritten style, such as party invitations, children's advertising 
and illustration lettering. 


Instances of SCP-095-J-1, in severe cases, have been known to 
grow unable to perceive text not set in SCP-095-J. Potential for a 
CK-class restructuring scenario in the event of a containment breach 
is currently being considered by research staff; upgrade to Keter 
pending. 


Addendum: I don't get it, you guys. It's just a font. - Dr. 


Requesting authorization for immediate termination of Dr. 
Director 


Granted. - O5- 


SCP-012-J: Special Comedy Procedures 


Item #: SCP-012-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: An investigation is underway, to 
locate the “live studio audience”, SCP-012-J is supposedly recorded 
in front of. Until it is located, all Foundation staff are advised to be 
wary of exaggerated speech and body language, and implausible 
social faux pas. If an instance of SCP-012-J is suspected, staff are 
to refrain from vocalising any classified information. 


Description: SCP-012-J is a phenomenon which infrequently 
affects the behaviour of Foundation sites’ occupants, and how they 
are perceived by surveillance equipment. Footage of each instance 
of SCP-012-J is preceded by a short musical number, followed by 
the phrase “This episode of Special Comedy Procedures was filmed 
in front of a live studio audience”. While SCP-012-d is in effect, 
affected personnel will begin to speak more clearly, and periodically 
emphasise the end of sentences, after which, all subjects will remain 
silent for several seconds, while a soundtrack of multiple people 
laughing can be heard on the surveillance feed. In addition, 
surveillance equipment will periodically deactivate, commonly after a 
subject makes a confident claim regarding future events, 
surveillance will then resume when the claim is disproven, at which 
point the original speaker will resignedly comment thusly. 


Below are the transcripts of each instance of SCP-012-J to date. 
Incident 012/1 
Incident: 012/1 
Date: / / 


Transcript: 


(Officer Daniels enters the break room with a 
flamboyant arm gesture) 


Officer Daniels: Hey everybody! What’s 
shakin’? 


(Cheering and applause) 


Officer Daniels: You know, some of the 
containment procedures around here are just 
crazy! 


Agent Steele: What do you mean? 


Officer Daniels: Well | was just putting 
SCP-999 into its pen, the lovable rascal, and 
it's got security coming out the wazoo! Steel 
cell, pressure plates and laser sensors to 
make sure it’s in there, and blast shields like 
you wouldn't believe! 


Agent Steele: Dude, that’s not SCP-999’s 
containment pen. 


Agent Bridger: Yeah man, that sounds more 
like SCP-096’s containment! 


Officer Daniels: But if | just put SCP-999 in 
SCP-096’s containment cell, then that 
means... UH OH! 


(A sad, trombone sound effect plays, followed 
by cheering and laughter) 


Incident 012/2 
Incident: 012/2 
Date: / / 


Transcript: 


(Agent Myre enters the cafeteria and joins her 
co-workers at a table) 


Agent Myre: Someone ask me how my day is 
going! 


Agent Cliff: How’s your... 

Agent Myre: Terrible! 

(Laughter) 

Agent Myre: | showed up late, spilled my 
coffee on my computer, and just now, | let 


SCP- out of containment! 


Agent Danvers: Well shouldn't you go catch 
it? 


Agent Myre: Relax! I'll get it after lunch, it’s 
only a Keter! 


Agent Cliff: Keters are the worst ones! 


Agent Myre: (Slaps the side of her face in 
shock) Well now you tell me! 


(Roaring laughter) 
Incident 012/3 
Incident: 012/3 
Date: / / 
Transcript: 


(SCP-012-J event begins moments after 
SCP-682 breaches containment. While a 
response unit is en route, Doctor Pakes 
attempts to negotiate with SCP-682) 


Doctor Pakes: SCP-682, return to your 


containment cell, or you will be neutralised 
with extreme prejudice! 


SCP-682: | will not be stopped this time! | will 
destroy every living thing on this planet! 


Doctor Pakes: We will get you back in 
containment, same as always! I’m offering you 
a chance for it to be painless. 


SCP-682: Nope! Not this time! I’m telling you 
there is absolutely no way you'll recapture me 
again, not today, not ever, notin a million 
years! 


(Image recording ends, and recommences 
several hours later, once SCP-682 is back in 
containment) 


SCP-682: Well that went well! 
(Hysterical laughter) 
Incident 012/4 
Incident: 012/4 
Date: / / 
Transcript: 


(Agents Allum and Musker patrol Site , in 
search of the escaped SCP-106) 


Agent Allum: This kind of thing is exactly the 
reason | hate Mondays! 


(Mild laughter) 


Agent Musker: How will we know when we’re 
getting close to SCP-106? 


Note: Security personnel are to be periodically screened for any 
unusual phobias. Any personnel found to exhibit any degree of 
arachnophobia is to be reassigned.