SCP-3806-A claims to be a representative of an organization called 
the "Halls of Grandos", capable of arranging specific afterlives on 
behalf of their clients. These claims are currently unverified, 
although testing involving terminally ill Foundation personnel has 
revealed that arrangements to die at specific times can be fulfilled. 


First Recorded Interview with SCP-3806-A: 
Interviewer: Agent Mark Roland 
Interviewee: SCP-3806-A 
<Begin Log> 


SCP-3806-A: Hello, and thank you for calling the Halls 
of...(SCP-3806-A coughs for several seconds)...Halls of 
Grandos. How may | help you today? 


Agent Roland: I'm sorry, did you say Halls of Mandos, 
like from Tolkien's Legendarium? 


SCP-3806-A: (pauses) You a lawyer? 
Agent Roland: No. 


SCP-3806-A: Good, because if | wanted to talk to a 
lawyer, | know where to find one. Believe me (coughs, 
and is then heard lighting a cigarette). Tolkien's stuff is 
protected by copyright until 2044, so until then we're the 
Halls of Grandos. 


Agent Roland: | see. | assume based on your name and 
the location of this phone box that your organization has 
something to do with the afterlife. 


SCP-3806-A: While you know what they say about 
assuming; it makes an ass out of u and me! 


(SCP-3806-A laughs for several seconds before entering 
a coughing fit) 


SCP-3806-A: You're not wrong though, son. Worst part 


about being mortal is the dying, obviously. Good news is 
you've got immortal souls. Bad news is that it's anyone's 
guess what happens to it. You can worship a god and 
hope that they're a) real, and b) will hold up their end of 
the bargain, but you might end up trapped in your own 
rotting corpse or wandering the astral plane until you're 
snatched up by the Scarlet King or...uh, you know, the 
Sarkic one? Yabba Dabba Do or something; you know 
what I'm talking about, right? 


Agent Roland: | do, Ma'am. Are you saying you offer 
some kind of protection against these fates? 


SCP-3806-A: You're 2 for 2 kiddo. We've made 
contracts with numerous cosmic entities who are both 
willing and able to shepherd mortal souls to their choice 
of afterlife. We tell you what afterlives we know about 
and how to get in to them. Our certified psychopomps 
will escort you to any afterlife you qualify for, and if you 
want they can even make sure you're reunited with dead 
loved ones. 


Agent Roland: What do you charge for this service? 


SCP-3806-A: Not a single obol. | don't know if you're 
aware of this, but there's a lot more mortals than there 
were just a few centuries ago, which means a lot more 
souls here on the astral plane. Combine your increased 
population with secularization, and you got a recipe for 
biblical numbers of displaced souls. Sure it's sad, but it 
was also bringing property values down, you know? 
Anyway, bunch of the Old Gods decide to have a gala, 
raise some funds, and here we are. You don't have to 
wander limbo for eternity and the Old Gods get a tax 
write-off. 


Agent Roland: Makes sense to me. This service you 
offer, it occurs upon natural death? 


SCP-3806-A: That's an option, or they could pick you up 
at a time of your choosing. The Reaper's busy, but he 


can squeeze you in right now. 
Agent Roland: (pauses) I'll pass. 


(SCP-3806-A breaks out into laughter again, followed by 
another coughing spell) 


Agent Roland: So, what sort of afterlives are you 
offering? 


SCP-3806-A: We got all kinds. There's traditional fluffy 
cloud heavens, Summerland if you want to still enjoy the 
pleasures of the flesh, Nirvana if you're seeking 
enlightenment, this weird desert place, reincarnation... 


Agent Roland: Okay, | should probably ask some follow 
up questions about those but...but are there any 'cosmic 
entities' who recruit mortal souls to fight against some 
ultimate evil in a heavenly war? 


SCP-3806-A: Yep, that would be Valhalla. Prove 
yourself a brave and virtuous warrior and the AllFather 
will welcome you into his ranks, and you can fight the 
Scarlet King or Yabba Dabba Do or whoever at the End 
of Days. Is that what you want? 


Agent Roland: (pauses) | think so. 


SCP-3806-A: (typing is heard) Okay Mr. Roland, I've 
marked that down. You should know that you don't 
qualify yet, but a victory over a superior foe that averts 
tragic death and destruction would be enough. Do you 
have a second pick in case... 


Agent Roland: No, I'll do it. I'm in the right line of work 
for it. 


SCP-3806-A: 'At's the spirit. Don't let your dreams be 
dreams. A Valkyrie will come to escort you to Valhalla 
upon your glorious death in combat! 


Agent Roland: (softly) Thank you. 


SCP-494: Matter Transference Gloves 


Item #: SCP-494 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-494 does not require any 
special containment procedures, other than being kept under lock 
and key in Storage Bunker atSite . Level 2 clearance and written 
permission from a Level 4 or higher researcher is required for testing 
procedures regarding SCP-494. 


Description: SCP-494 appears to be a regular pair of black leather 
fingerless gloves. SCP-494’s anomalous features can only be 
observed while worn by a human subject. Upon being fitted onto the 
hand, SCP-494 will change size to match that of its wearer. Test 
subjects have described the feeling of wearing the gloves as if they 
were “not wearing gloves at all’. 


SCP-494’s true anomalous nature is revealed in that when an object 
is held in each gloved hand, after exactly five minutes, the two 
objects’ makeup will be suddenly traded. The range of materials that 
can be transferred as yet seems to have no limit, and has been 
observed to create working machines and even living organisms 
from the materials provided. (see Test Log for details) 


SCP-494 seems to have some limitations, such as the fact that only 
objects that can be supported by the wearers strength (artificial 
assistance, such as leaning one’s hands against a wall or table, 
seems to negate the effects of the gloves) will be transformed, and 
for reasons unknown, the gloves will refuse to work when worn by a 
subject over the age of sixty (60). 


Testing Log 


Test Format: 
Materials: 


SCP-3806-A: Happy to help sonny. You have yourself a 
nice day now. Bye Bye. 


(the call ends, and is followed by a ‘dial tone’ of Latin 
prayers until Agent Roland hangs up) 


<End Log> 


Addendum: Agent Roland has received an official reprimand for 
using this test for his personal benefit without authorization. 


Footnotes 
1. Most frequently to Led Zeppelin'sStairway to Heaven 


SCP-3807: A Real Bad Hombre 


Item #: SCP-3807 
Object Class: Keter - Uncontained 


Special Containment Procedures: Due to the effect SCP-3807 
and SCP-3807-1 instances have on observers, witnesses outside of 
trial situations do not need to be amnesticized. Those present during 
SCP-3807's courtroom appearance should be detained and 
amnesticized. However, SCP-3807's clients will retain full memory of 
SCP-3807 even if given amnestics. As any attempts by clients to 
talk about their experiences to non-Foundation-aligned individuals 
will result in scorpions manifesting in the client's throat, Foundation 
agents must surveil these individuals in case amnesticization of a 
witness is needed. 


Any photographs or videos must be removed via webcrawler; a 
similar procedure should be used to find and remove news coverage 
of SCP-3807's appearances in court. A Foundation-employed 
psychiatrist should be on call for all clients who wish to receive 
treatment, as witnessing SCP-3807's methods can be detrimental to 
mental health. A grassroots media campaign is currently ongoing to 
reduce tourism to [REDACTED]. 


Description: SCP-3807 is a humanoid entity with the head of an 
unknown canine!, the body of an Egyptian man, and a prehensile 
tail ending in two keratinous spikes. SCP-3807 breeds canine 
animals that share its curved snout and forked tail. These animals 
are referred to as SCP-3807-1. Despite its obvious visual 
abnormalities, the oddity of SCP-3807's appearance is not remarked 
upon by observers - instead, their focus is limited to determining the 
exact species of animal SCP-3807's head resembles. This 
perception effect lasts precisely 30 minutes after seeing SCP-3807, 
after which the subject will remember nothing abnormal about 
SCP-3807 whatsoever when questioned. SCP-3807-1 instances 
share this effect on perception. SCP-3807 is fluent in English, 


Spanish, French, German, Arabic, Beja, and Nobiin.2 


SCP-3807 currently resides in [REDACTED], Egypt, a popular 
tourist town. All attempts at removing SCP-3807 and placing it into 
containment have failed. During missions to capture SCP-3807, 
weapon mechanisms will malfunction, arguments will arise over 
proper protocol, and participating individuals will experience a 
marked decrease in their ability to follow instructions correctly. In 
addition, all gasoline in vehicles used to pursue or find SCP-3807 
will be replaced with an equivalent volume of locust bodies. 
SCP-3807 has, however, been amenable to contact with the 
Foundation, appears willing to facilitate efforts to maintain normalcy, 
and has put in place the listed perception effects upon Foundation 
request for cooperation with amnesticization efforts. SCP-3807 has 
also recently lifted the gag effect on clients who are speaking about 
their experiences with it so long as they are speaking to Foundation 
employees. 


Whenever a non-Egyptian citizen enters the boundaries of 
[REDACTED], an instance of SCP-3807-1 will approach them 
bearing a business card, and proceed to follow them wherever they 
go. The card welcomes them to [REDACTED] and offers the legal 
services of "Seth Hasani, Defense Attorney, Partially Retired" 
without fee. Instances of SCP-3807-1 cannot be removed from the 
immediate vicinity of their charge. After the affected person receives 
the card, the instance of SCP-3807-1 will become hostile to any 
individual who threatens their charge in any way, going so far as to 
injure or kill harassers who do not desist. 


If, at any point in time after receiving the business card, a recipient 
finds themselves under arrest or at risk of deportation, SCP-3807 
will manifest and serve as their lawyer. In the courtroom, SCP-3807 
resolves cases by a variety of anomalous means. 


Court Appearances Log: 
Date: 10/13/16 
Defendant: Violet Reginald 


Method: All evidence collected by the prosecution 


immediately turned to molten rock upon being presented 
to the court. 


Date: 12/3/16 
Defendant: Christina Parks 


Method: All attempts to travel to the courtroom where 
the hearing was scheduled to take place instead led the 
traveler to an uninhabited location in the desert. 


Date: 2/24/17 
Defendant: Daniel Reyes 


Method: Every legal reference consulted during the trial 
stated it was illegal to arrest someone who was 
uncircumcised, despite all participants having no such 
memory of the law. 


Date: 3/15/17 
Defendant: Matthew Wolf 


Method: All security tapes depicting the defendant were 
altered to replace the defendant with an okapi. 


Date: 4/7/17 
Defendant: Andrew Castellano 


Method: Each time the prosecuting attorney asked the 
defendant a question, a large pustule appeared on their 
face, neck, lower arms, or inner thighs. 


Excerpt of Courtroom Log: 


Foreword: SCP-3807 made his closing statement, with 
his defendant, Jason Flores, pleading "Not Guilty" to 
charges of grand theft auto. 


<BEGIN LOG> 


SCP-3807: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury! What you 
were promised here today was a trial! A fair and just 
procedure, where my poor, unfortunate defendant would 
find himself facing you, a jury of his peers in humanity 
and in mortality. 


[SCP-3807 checks his watch.] 


SCP-3807: (Under breath) Damn it, they're late. (To the 
jury) And yet! | sense, deep within me, a disturbance. An 
imbalance. 


Flores: (Whispered to SCP-3807) What are you doing? 


SCP-3807: (to Flores, hushed) Stalling. | didn't anticipate 
it'd take this long, | summoned the herd an hour early 
just to be safe! (to jury) Yes, indeed! This courtroom 
claims to be a place of justice! And yet, within its heart, 
there is violence, and corruption, and fear. A fear of 
those whose backs you stand upon, whose fruits of labor 
you stuff yourselves with! The herds of unnamed faces 
who - 


[The door slams open, and donkeys begin stampeding 
into the courtroom. General panic and hysteria ensues, 
with attempts to divert their entrance resulting in the 
donkeys becoming aggressive. The foreman hits one on 
the nose with his briefcase, and is promptly trampled by 
other members of the herd.] 


SCP-3807: Took you long enough. Jackasses. You 
couldn't have let me be impressive for just one moment, 
hmm? (to Flores) Come on, kid, we're going home. 


<END LOG> 


Afterword: The trial was eventually thrown out, and no 
charges brought against the defendant, after the 
courtroom was cleared of donkeys and the evidence was 
found to have been consumed. 


Footnotes 

1. similar in appearance to an African Wild Dog, but with greater 
snout curvature and length. 

2. An Afroasiatic language of the Cushitic branch, and a Northern 
Nubian language, respectively 


SCP-3808: Bacon Cheeseburger That Demands 
Justification 


Note: This file possesses cognitohazardous properties 
and should only be viewed by personnel with an 
Anomalous Impulse Resistance Index of at least 83. All 
other personnel should close this file immediately and 
report to their supervisor. 


Item #: SCP-3808 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3808 is kept on-location, 
placed on a pedestal under a glass bell jar. One guard must be 
present at all times to ensure that visitors do not take photographs of 
SCP-3808, as well as to answer questions posed by visitors. Visitors 
who take issue with SCP-3808's situation should be dismissed, by 
force if necessary. 


Personnel who recommend changes to these containment 
procedures or Cover Story 3808-Gamma should submit proposals in 
writing to SCP-3808's containment liaison in a sealed envelope with 
no markings other than their Employee ID Number. 


Description: SCP-3808 is a bacon cheeseburger located at 

44°85' "N, -98°22' "W, 1.33 meters above the ground. All 
components of SCP-3808 will rapidly return to their default state and 
location relative to each other if altered in any fashion. While 
SCP-3808 can be moved, it is subject to a force in the direction of its 
resting point proportional to its distance from the resting point. An 
unaided human cannot move SCP-3808 more than two meters from 
its resting point; heavy machinery is capable of moving SCP-3808 
up to four meters away. 


SCP-3808 is a visual cognitohazard. Subjects who view SCP-3808 
or any insufficiently altered image of it become preoccupied by 


SCP-3808's congruence, or lack thereof, with its immediate 
surroundings. Subjects will attempt to rectify any perceived 
discrepancy such that they are satisfied that it is sensible for a 
bacon cheeseburger to occupy SCP-3808's position. For example, if 
SCP-3808 is suspended midair, subjects will either hold it in place or 
put some sort of supporting structure underneath it. 


After rectifying any immediately obvious violations of physics, 
subjects will typically take issue with SCP-3808's location in a forest 
with no man-made structures in the immediate vicinity. Different 
subjects have different priorities and perspectives on this matter, 
though most will agree that SCP-3808 should be located in some 
sort of restaurant that sells (among other things) bacon 
cheeseburgers. Multiple attempts to establish such a restaurant 
have been stymied by an inability among those responsible to agree 
on the exact parameters of this restaurant.