When threatened or backed into a corner, or when allowed to walk 
outdoors when snow is on the ground, SCP-47-47-J's fangs retract 
to reveal a tiny pair of turrets vaguely consistent with those shown 
on AT-ATs in the Star Wars films. These weapons have been shown 
to be dangerous, but are usually non-lethal, resulting in, at worst, 
second degree burns consistent with thermal exposure. Turrets fire 
as a pair in short, rapid bursts in response to duress, or alternating 
in a slower, continual stream of shots while walking through the 
snow. 


Partial dismantling of SCP-47-47-J's torso cover exposes a flexible 
plastic underneath, similar to the material comprising the legs. 
Surgical exploration of the soft plastic reveals a network of hollow 
tubes continually pumping blood throughout the body. Blood was 
DNA tested and determined to be a hitherto unidentified subspecies 
of Canis lupus familiaris. Close examination of the turrets reveals no 
barrels or mechanisms; they appear to be molded from a solid piece 
of plastic consistent with the torso shell. 


SCP-47-47-J has not been observed to urinate or defecate, but its 


was apparently no need for food (SCP-541 had been sealed for at 
least several decades before its discovery). Also notable is that the 
entire system was closed, that is, there was no evidence of blood 
vessels ever pumping to extremities outside of a general abdominal 
area and no indications of body structures, e.g. ligaments, nerves, 
membranes, indicating that a more complete organism was ever 
intact. 


Various experiments were performed on SCP-541 to determine 
more about it and try to assess any use or adaptation for its unique 
structure. No container beyond the original pine box was deemed 
necessary. 


Document #541-1: Blood was drawn from SCP-541's system in 
small quantities (to reflect the amount of blood estimated to be 
present in the system). The sterile needle wound healed itself 
(through an apparently normal white blood cell/platelet mechanism) 
and after several repeated, intermittent blood drawings researchers 
approximated that the blood replaced itself, again akin to a normal 
human body. 


Document #541-2: Application of basic, easily digestible and 
nourishing food products to the open esophagus of SCP-541 prove 
the digestive system works normally (including excretion). 


Document #541-3: Introduction of various stimulants, including 
caffeine, into SCP-541's system show that the subject responds 
predictably for its weight and condition. 


Documents #541-4 through 13: Assorted tests to determine more 
about nervous communication among the component parts of 
SCP-541, various scans of the subject to try and learn more about 
its composition, and a brief battery of measurements to try and 
compare SCP-541 to the profiles of average, complete humans, in 
an attempt to learn more about or approximate its age/height/weight/ 
health. For details on these reports please contact Dr. 


Document #541-14: Director approves attempts to "grow" 
SCP-541, including hormone and steroid introductions as well as 
attempts to culture SCP-541's cells. Results prove inconclusive on 
all counts and testing continues. 


flatulence is noted to be particularly offensive. 


Recovery Log: Oh, it was sad. It was really, reeeeeallily sad. 
Imagine a kid dying from cancer. Imagine this kid wishing for a 
puppy for christmas more than anything, but getting some dumb star 
wars toy instead. The kid wishes on a star or something, maybe 
makes a deal with the devil or whatever, and presto. The toy is now 
a dog. Not two weeks later, Foundation Agents kick in the door, 
incapacitate both the kid's parents with tasers right in front of him, 
kick the kid in the junk and steal his dog. They also step on the kid's 
science fair project on the way out of the house, as if out of spite. 
Three days later, the kid, having lost the will to live, crawls to Old 
Dan's grave and, shedding a single tear, breathes his last. He dies 
with his eyes still open, and his parents don't find the body for three 
days. 


It was just like that. Only WAY sadder. You should be ashamed of 
yourself. 


SPC-172-J: Never Bring a Fist to a Spear Fight 


Item #: SPC-172 
Object Class: Apollyoken 


Selachian Pugilization Contingencies: Due to its anomalous 
effect, SPC-172 is unpunchable. 


In lieu of the abandoned full-scale punching campaign of SPC-172, 
the DARWIN CAN EAT MY ASS protocol has been enacted to drive 
SPC-172 to extinction through non-pugnatorial means. Failure to 
eradicate SPC-172 poses a nonzero risk of SPC-172-A spreading 
as a dominant evolutionary trait among sharks in the long term, 
which would result in an End-of-World K/O Failure Scenario. 


Description: SPC-172 is a selachian entity known to civilians as the 
narwhal!. While technically a mammal, SPC-172 meets the Shark 
Punching Center's three criteria for verifiable sharkitude. 


Over time, male instances of SPC-172 have evolved a facial 


stabbing implement (heretofore SPC-172-A) that completely 
neutralizes all punching attempts. 


Punchination Attempt Log-172: 


Punch Attempt Punch Result Notes 

Agent Seagal False-positive "We've been over this. 

uppercutting a captive It doesn't count unless 

instance of SPC-172. it's directly in the 
shark's face." - Coach 
Naismith 

Agent Seagal Negative Following surgery and 

punching a captive successful recovery, 

instance of SPC-172 Seagal has since 


in the face. requested transfer to 


Agent Seagal Negative 


punching a captive 
instance of SPC-172 
in the face, harder. 


Deployment of a fist; Inconclusive 


tipped Ahab-2 unit 
modified for 
underwater 
deployment into an 
instance of SPC-172 


Agent Seagal Negative 


punching a captive 
instance of SPC-172 
in the face even 
harder, with his other 
arm. 


Agent Norris punching N/A 
a captive female - 

ergo, hornless - 

instance of SPC-172. 


Agent Norris punching N/A 
a juvenile male 

instance of SPC-172, 

with a smaller 

SPC-172-A instance 


another project that 
doesn't involve 
punching a pointed 
STICK. 

"Good Lord, it's like 
he's wearing his arm 
as ahorn sock..." - 
Coach Naismith 

An autopsy of the 
resulting cloud of 
shredded viscera was 
unable to return any 
evidence of successful 
facial fisticuffs. 

The fist came within 
1.2 meters of the 
instance's face before 
Agent Seagal 
succumbed to lethal 
injuries consistent with 
fishkebabitization. 
Punch was initially 
successful and 
resulted in death of 
the instance, but 
autopsy revealed that 
female instances of 
SPC-172 are 
toothless, which 
causes them to fail the 
third criterion of 
verifiable sharkitude, 
"does it have pointy 
bits," and - ergo - are 
not Sharks. 

"Come on, he's a kid." 
- Coach Naismith 


than usual, in the face. 
Agent Norris punching N/A 
a Captive male 

instance of SPC-172 

in the face, harder 

than Agent Seagal. 

Agent Norris punching Negative 
a Captive male 

instance of SPC-172 

in the face, harder 

than Agent Seagal, or 
Coach Naismith will 

burn his house down. 
Sawing off a captive} N/A 
male instance of 
SPC-172's SPC-172- 

A, then punching it. 


Usage of experimenial Inconclusive 
selachian-punching 
device HERCULES 
HATES SHARKS to 
partially decrease the 
mass of Agent Norris's 
rocket-propelled 
disembodied fist in 

such a manner that it 
phases through the 
SPC-172-A instance 
and lands on the 
captive male 

instance's face. 
Footnotes 

1.(Monodon monoceros) 


"| quit." - Agent Norris. 


The fist came within 
1.1 meters of the 
instance's face before 
Agent Norris 
succumbed to lethal 
injuries consistent with 
fishkebabitization. 
"We're the Shark 
Punching Center, not 
the Shark Editing 
Then Shark Punching 
Center. Lose the 
goddamn training 
wheels." - Coach 
Naismith 

Device failed, 
dimensional anomaly 
generated, 
accidentally punched 
God. 


The Big List Of Overdone SCP Cliches 


We got plenty of: 


1. Things What Let You Fight Good, Guyz What fight good, heck, 
anything involved with Fightan Good. 


2. Reality Bending pplz what can make the world change with their 
mindz. 


3. Things what we should do what they say becuz we wouldn't like 
them when they're angry. 


4. Things what make other weird things. This includes things what 
make SCPs and Things what you put other things in and they come 
out improved. 


5. Things what you saw on TV/ in a movie/ in an anime/ read about 
in a book / heard in a song. 


6. Things what make you go nuts for no apparent reason. 


7. Things what use up excessive resources, like nucular weaponz or 
Class-D personnel. 
* Blind Guards are excessive resources, by the way. 


8. Things what excessively refer to other SCPs. This includes things 
what are better than other SCPs. 


9. Things what are really pretty pplz whom everyone lieks. 
10. Things WHAT! are just fucking lame. 


11. Things what perform OTT (Over The Top) as to what they're 
supposed to do. i.e. Knives what cut through dimensions, audio 
devices what cause insanity to whoever listens to them etc, etc. 


12. Things what are ancient and evil, so vast that humankind cannot 
comprehend it, yada yada yada you can only have so many. 


13. Anything what is spherical. Or cubical. Seriously, for fuck sake, 
pick a random object rather than a shape. 


14. Things what lead to some vast dimension of pointlessness 
where we lose countless amounts of D-Class by sending them in for 
no particular reason. 


15. Statues what move when you dun look at dem. We already have 
one what does that and it's better than what you can write. 


16. Things what is from DA FUTURE! We've got a whole city from 
there. 


17. Things what just tell you random information that be's all 
mysterious liek. 


18. Things what is indestructable just to be indestructable. We're the 
Special CONTAINMENT Procedures, not Special DESTRUKTION 
Procedures Foundation. We usually dun destroy things just to 
destroy them nowadays. 


19. Things what caused teh INDIAN OCEAN TSUNAMI. Seriously, | 
think the Foundation has caused it about ten billion times already. 
And for that matter, quit making globes and maps that change the 
world when the map or globe is altered. It gets old. 


20. Cats and Dogs. Seriously, we've got way too many canines and 
felines, let's do something different! Ferrets, lobsters, squids, platypi, 
muskrats, beavers, komodo dragons, their are millions of animals 
out there, that are not cats and dogs! 


21. Humorous addenda talking about some shenanigan the staff did 
and what terrible punishment awaits if they do it again We are trying 
to move away from such things. 


22. VINDOWS TO ANOZZER VORLD! Seriously, we have four of 
them, and they're all the same damn article. Come up with 
something less stale. 


23. Creepy dolls. 'Nuff said. 


If you be making one of these things as an SCP, plz to be 
remembering dat we already have OVER NINE THOUSAND of 
these things already, and your entry will be harshly scrutinized and 
mocked. Your article better do a magic trick and practically give the 
reader a blowjob to avoid being BALEETED. 


Translation: You are welcome to attempt to use these ideas, but 
bear in mind you will be adding to an already well-stocked collection, 
will come under harsher scrutiny, and need to do exceedingly well to 
make a impression. 


Dr. Gears Footnote: With these things being stated, let us also state 
that this is not a list of "NO MORE OF THESE EVER", but a list of 
things that we have too much of. You can try to make a Thing What 
Let You Fight Good, but bear in mind it's going to have to be VERY 
good to both stand out from the pack, and avoid deletion. If you 
attempt to make something that fits into one of these slots, be 
prepared for a rapid downward spiral and deletion. 


If, on the other hand, you're able to re-forge one of these cliches into 
something truly original and solid, congratulations. However this 
situation is very much the exception, not the rule. In most cases, 
originality is best if you hope to create a outstanding entry. 


Footnotes 
1. HAPPY NOW, FLAMES!? 


SCP-SCP-J: It's Scippy! 


Item #: SCP-SCP-J 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-SCP-d is to be kept ina 
hermetically sealed containment vault at Site-58 in the hope that it 
might suffocate or starve to death, though the Foundation 
acknowledges that such a wonderful possibility actually coming to 
fruition is ill-becoming of anything associated with SCP-SCP-J. 
Under no circumstances is SCP-SCP-J to be let out. In the event 
that Site-58 becomes compromised through one or more Euclid or 
Keter containment breaches, SCP-SCP-v is to be given first priority 
as an unfortunate casualty. 


Description: SCP-SCP-J, formerly known as "Scippy," is a cartoon 
mascot found in training videos for D-class personnel prior to 1994. 
After retirement on 1/15/1995, SCP-SCP-J worked as a class-B 
containment specialist at Site-58. 


SCP-SCP-uJ's anomalous qualities became apparent when 
personnel at Site-58 attempted to perform any kind of official work. 


Incident log 5/8/95: 


Dr. Henderson: Everybody out. SCP- __is breaching 
containment. | need all mission-critical personnel to 
follow— 


SCP-SCP-J: It looks like you're dealing with a 
containment breach. Would you like some help? 


Dr. Henderson: Not the time, Scippy. 


SCP-SCP-J: The time is currently 5:23 PM. But perhaps 
you should focus on the matter at hand - containment 


breaches are very serious problems that must be 
addressed with your full attention! Have you notified the 
breach desk? 


Dr. Henderson: Get out of the way. | have to get to the 
containment chamber. 


SCP-SCP-J: The containment chamber? Incorrect. In 
the event of a containment breach, the breach desk 
should be notified. This is step one. Step two— 


Dr. Henderson: / will feed you head-first into a non- 
anomalous woodchipper if you don't get out of my 
fucking way this minute! 


SCP-SCP-J: That does not sound like it would be a 
productive use of your time, especially during a 
containment breach. Would you like me to contact the 
breach desk for you? 


SCP- :/FEAST. 


Dr. Henderson: [horrified screaming] IT'S EATING MY 
LEGS — [death gurgle] 


SCP-SCP-J: I'm sorry, lunchtime was four hours ago. 


SCP-300-J: Our Glorious Ruler 


Item #: SCP-300-J 
Object Class: Shatterproof Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-300-d is to be kept ina 
locked containment box in storage. Level-2 researchers are 
permitted to worship test SCP-300-J per Site director discretion. 


Description: SCP-300-J is the a omniscient sentient, magnificent 
standard brand, crimson red plastic ruler of the kingdom of storage 
box 397-E with the supreme gift anomalous ability to affect all 
mention of its raw power existence. No imperfections measurement 
markings are indicated on its divine body surface. 


Once a peasant human acknowledges its perfection existence, 
SCP-300-J will try to remind convince them that IT IS it is a ruler of a 
kingdom. SCP-300-J does this by enlightening interrupting all forms 
of human communication. SCP-300-J's authority compulsion is 
noted to be easily overcome not for long, filth, usually by correcting 
any statements involving the object. 


Once mortals behold visual contact is made with SCP-300-J, it will 
begin to communicate with observers telepathically, often 
interrupting thoughts and redirecting them to its greatness its 
presence. 


Interview with SCP-300-J after containment 


The following is taken from audio 
transcriptions combined with notes transcribed 
by Dr. Donald during the interview. 


Dr. Donald: “Good day, Your Magnif- Uh- 
SCP-300-J.” 


Documents #541-15 through 18: Further testing on SCP-541 
concurrent to orders outlayed in Document #541-14. Results 
continue to be inconclusive (some cultures prove promising enough 
to continue research in the present direction.)