procedures are pretty much "do what it asks so it will behave" you’re 
doing it wrong. Conversely, the Foundation shouldn't be gratuitously 
cruel to SCPs. Remember, it's useful to reward good behavior, as 

long as it doesn't breach security, or consume excessive resources. 


18. Things what is indestructible just to be indestructible. We're the 
Special CONTAINMENT Procedures, not Special DESTRUKTION 
Procedures Foundation. We usually dun destroy things just to 
destroy them nowadays. 


Destroying abnormal things is more the GOC's MO. The Foundation 
is a "pack rat" organization by nature. They want to study things 
thoroughly in case they reappear out of containment. Destroying an 
SCP may cause more problems than keeping it, so the Foundation 
tends to be wary about trying. It's easy enough to come up with an 
in-universe reason for keeping your SCP around. 


21. Humorous addenda talking about some shenanigan the staff did 
and what terrible punishment awaits if they do it again. We are trying 
to move away from such things. 


This is commonly known as "LOLFoundation." While you may see it 
in older articles, it makes the Foundation look stupid and 
unprofessional, plus it’s a big tone-breaker. 


Ideas Done Well Enough that You Can (probably) Only Write a 
Bad Copy 


4. Things what make other weird things. This includes things what 
make SCPs and Things what you put other things in and they come 
out improved. 


We have SCP-914, SCP-294, SCP-261, and SCP-212. It’s going to 
be tough to add something of this type that won’t seem like a bad 
knock-off. 


14. Things what lead to some vast dimension of pointlessness 
where we lose countless amounts of D-Class by sending them in for 
no particular reason. 


We have SCP-093, SCP-967, and the experiment log from 


SCP-354. If you write a new dimensional portal to explore, it’s going 
to have to be damn interesting to survive. 


15. Statues what move when you dun look at dem. We already have 
one what does that and it's better than what you can write. 


SCP-173, whether or not you think it’s all that great, was the first 
SCP, and is rated over +1000. Trying to improve on it: Bad idea. 


17. Things what just tell you random information that be's all 
mysterious liek. 


SCP-058 does this better than anything you're likely to write. 
99% of the Time, These Are Signs of Weak/Sloppy Writing 


7. Things what use up excessive resources, like nucular weaponz or 
Class-D personnel. Blind Guards are excessive resources, by the 
way. 


Readers expect the Foundation to come up with reasonable 
containment procedures, appropriate for the object being contained. 
Although you can consider the Foundation to have near-unlimited 
resources, it’s not going to waste them on excessive containment 
procedures. 


8. Things what excessively refer to other SCPs. This includes things 
what are better than other SCPs. 


Cross-referencing other SCPs is a pet peeve of many readers, 
especially if it seems gratuitously done to associate your (bad) SCP 
with a better one. 


19. Things what caused teh INDIAN OCEAN TSUNAMI. Seriously, | 
think the Foundation has caused it about ten billion times already. 
And for that matter, quit making globes and maps that change the 
world when the map or globe is altered. It gets old. 


Generally, associating your SCP with real-world events does not go 
over well, even if done cleverly. 


6. Things what make you go nuts for no apparent reason. 


This usually reads as tacked-on danger, as does the SCP which 
compels people to use it for no good reason. 


11. Things what perform OTT (Over The Top) as to what they're 
supposed to do. i.e. Knives what cut through dimensions, audio 
devices what cause insanity to whoever listens to them etc, etc. 


These are usually just too obvious and uninteresting to get a good 
reception. 


13. Anything what is spherical. Or cubical. Seriously, for fuck sake, 
pick a random object rather than a shape. 


This isn't a problem if it actually makes sense for your object to be a 
sphere or a cube — it's a basketball, or a space probe, or a six- 
sided die, for example. The problem is when you've thought of a 
good, weird effect, but couldn’t come up with an appropriate object 
to produce it. Think harder and you'll find one... 


Things We (possibly) Have a Few Too Many of 


16. Things what is from DA FUTURE! We've got a whole city from 
there. 


20. Cats and Dogs. Seriously, we've got way too many canines and 
felines, let's do something different! Ferrets, lobsters, squids, platypi, 
muskrats, beavers, komodo dragons, their are millions of animals 
out there, that are not cats and dogs! 


22. VINDOWS TO ANOZZER VORLD! Seriously, we have four of 
them, and they're all the same damn article. Come up with 
something less stale. 


23. Creepy dolls. 'Nuff said. 


Before you write one of these up, do a search on the existing ones 
and ask yourself: Is mine really doing something different or more 
interesting than what we already have? If you can sincerely say yes, 
then go write it... 


Someone occasionally suggests a new topic for the cliche list — 
Parasites. Creatures that pretend to be ordinary objects, and then 


have remained conscious and open-eyed with SCP-558-5 in their 
eyes. The first, Class D personnel D-75532-2, stared blankly straight 
ahead and seemed unresponsive to stimuli, even pain. She was 
observed to mutter continually, but no words were discerned. After 
the lenses were removed, D-75532-2 went into a catatonic state, in 
which she remains in the medical wing of Research Site- . An 
interview with the second, class D personnel D-34421-9, is 
appended as Document SCP-558-5a. It is theorized by Professor 
Skali and Dr. , based on the interview, that the SCP-558-5 
lenses somehow allow subjects to perceive time, often called the 
fourth dimension, in a visual way. It seems that the average psyche 
is not capable of handling the increased perspective and in most 
cases the mind turns inward, causing unconsciousness and memory 
loss consistent with dissociative amnesia. Experimentation is 
ongoing in an effort to further understand SCP-558-5, specifically if 
they enable the wearer to see points in time other than the present. 
Researchers are hopeful, given that testing has revealed a wearer's 
ability to control the effects of SCP-558-4. Priority is given to testing 
involving possibilities of precognition. 


Addendum: During routine evaluations, approximately three (3) in 
four (4) persons who had worn SCP-558-5 had exhibited signs of 
severe depression and anxiety. Moreover, one (1) in three (3) had 
incidents of self-mutilation, usually of the eyes, often accompanied 
by suicidal tendencies. 


Document SCP-558-5a: 
<Begin transcript, skip to 04m-12s> 


Dr. : I'm going to ask again, what did you see? 


D-34421-9: (Incoherent) 
Dr. : What was that? 


D-34421-9: (mumbling) Web. 
Dr. : Web? Elaborate, please. 


D-34421-9: It's a web. 


kill you. Dice. There are over 2000 SCPs on the site, so it's 
worthwhile to do a search and ask in the Forum or Chat to see if 
your idea has already been done, no matter what it is. 


A Final Note 


This not a checklist of things to try to add together and make into 
one (-J) SCP. It's been done (and deleted) several times. 


SCP-K9-J-EX: The Haunted House 


Item #: SCP-K9-J-EX 
Object Class: Keter Solved 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-K9-J has been 
abandoned, due to hauntings. Its property value is expected to drop 
significantly, making it a steal for anyone who is willing to buy it in 
spite of the hauntings. 


Description: SCP-K9-J is a large, Victorian household filled with 
several squeaky floorboards, cobwebs, and a kitchen that is always 
stocked with food. SCP-K9-J was originally built by an old Scottish 
lord who died ~50 years ago, stating on his deathbed that he would 
seek vengeance upon any person who dared to disturb his manor. 


SCP-K9-J-1 appears in SCP-K9-J upon investigation of the 
household. SCP-K9-J-1 frightens off any and all potential customers 
of SCP-K9-J. Further investigation would be performed into SCP- 
K9-J-1's properties, but it's a GH-GH-GHOOOOOOST! 


SCP-K9Q-J-2 is a hallway within SCP-K9-J that has a non-euclidean 
geometry. When rock or pop music is played and SCP-K9-J-1 
pursues (a) subject(s) into SCP-K9-J-2, any doorway entered into in 
SCP-K9-J-2 will lead out another doorway within SCP-K9-J-2. 
Subject(s) may find themselves running alone, with each other, or 
with SCP-K9-J-1. This effect persists until any or all parties trip or 
attack one another. 


Addendum K9-J-A: Wow, what a shame. I'll buy this and take it off 
your guys's hands! - Dr. Jenkins 


Addendum K9-J-B: Incidents involving SCP-K9-J: 


Incident K9-J-A: Renovation workers were renovating what is now 
SCP-K9-J. They were then attacked by SCP-K9-J-1. No casualties 


were reported, however worker equipment was destroyed and 
victims were purportedly "spookea". 


Incident K9-J-B: Mobile Task Force Mu 4 sent into SCP-K9-J to 
investigate. 


Incident K9-J-C: After "splitting up", Agents Mu 4-4 and Mu 4-5 
were engorging themselves upon the food discovered in SCP-K9-uJ's 
kitchen. They were then attacked by SCP-K9-J-1, which chased 
them throughout SCP-K9-J. The agents successfully tricked SCP- 
K9-J-1 by "like, convincing it that we were make-up artists, man. We 
spun it around a bunch of times and it was, like, dizzy, man. We still 
gave it a make over, though. Enehehehe." Agents Mu 4-4 and Mu 
4-5 were able to rendezvous with the rest of the MTF following this 
distraction. 


Jinkies! - Agent Mu 4-3 


Incident K9-J-D: Agent Mu 4-1 was able to convince Agents Mu 4-4 
and 4-5 to act as "bait" utilizing [REDACTED]. Agent Mu 4-1 
reportedly had to give them two [REDACTED] each. Disciplinary 
evaluation of Agents Mu 4-4 and 4-5 is underway. 


Incident K9-J-F: Agent Mu 4-3 loses her glasses. She can't see 
without her glasses. 


Incident K9-J-G: Agent Mu 4-2 fights off SCP-K9-J-1 using 
previously unexpected skill. Although the use of Agents Mu 4-4 and 
Mu 4-5 as bait was not successful, SCP-K9-J-1 was contained by 
MTF Mu 4 after it became stuck under a fallen bookshelf. 


| knew it wasn't a ghost ever since | saw those accounting reports 
about the house pricing. This ghoul is actually... - Agent Mu 4-3 


Dr. Jenkins!? - Agents Mu 4-1, 4-2, and 4-4 


Oooh, | was just about to get this house for rock bottom prices. And | 
would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for Mobile Task Force 
Mu-4 "Meddling Kids"! - Dr. Jenkins 


Incident K9-J-H: A second instance of SCP-K9-J-1 was reported 
following Incident K9-J-G, but this was soon revealed to be Agent 


Mu 4-5 wearing a bed sheet. 


Rooby rooby [REDACTED] - Agent Mu 4-5 


SCP-164-J: Ear Magic 


Item #: SCP-164-J 
Spell Class: Arcane/Rite 


Associated Schools: Domination, Transfiguration, Swagger- 
casting (Summoning subtype), Dark Physiognomy (presumed) 


Special Containment Procedures: All tomes, grimoires, scrolls 
and magiblogs containing information related to SCP-164-J are to 
be obfuscated via Expungomancy until deletion or destruction are 
possible. Practitioners caught using or studying SCP-164-J are to be 
sent to the Site-665 (The Unholy Pits of Shadowpain) for disciplinary 
action. Since as of this moment no universally effective containment 
measures for in-progress SCP-164-J rites exist, each case must be 
individually treated at the discretion of the supervising Mobile 
Thaumaturgy Force commander. 


Description: SCP-164-J, colloquially known as "Aurismancy", is a 
third-hierarchy sub-school of the Physiognomical Art. SCP-164-J 
has been deemed anomalous by the Society of Casters and 
Practitioners due to its apparent lack of reliance on any sort of 
magical circle, vellum dance, blood sacrifice or troll poking. This, 
due to its position in the third hierarchy, means SCP-164-J 
disregards the Fourth, Twelfth, and One Hundred and Twenty-fourth 
Rules of High Magicks, as well as Lemook's Third Principle of 
Wizodynamics. 


Use of SCP-164-J allows a practitioner unrestricted physical and 
mental access to any individual's ear canal. Used primarily for 
espionage and data-mining purposes, SCP-164-J rites usually 
involve the invading practitioner taking temporary residence in the 
victim's ear and using familiars (typically wax elementals or 
drumbats) to ransack the victim's inner-ear library. Due to the 
ineffectiveness of mundane wards in repelling SCP-164-J rites, as 
well as the sensitive information which is often contained in inner- 


ear libraries, use of SCP-164-J has become increasingly popular 
among various underworld denizens, most notably warlocks, ur- 


summoners and teasipper demons. 


Addendum 164-A: Notable incidents of SCP-164-J use: 


Practitione Victim Effect Current 


Status 
Zeodor the the Sensitive Contained 
Foul information 
stolen, 
deleted from 
library. 
Lasting 
memory 
damage as 
result of 
spellbattle 
between 
invading 
practitioner 
and MTF 
personnel, in 
addition to 
damage 
resulting 
from riots. 
Samesh the Danerius the Unknown Contained 
Zoologger | Magnificent (presumed 
(notable M-| pornographic 
blogger ancl in nature) 
Cawcker) 


Notes 


Practitioner 
was using 
propaganda 
to incite a 
trioal war 
among 
indigenous 
tympanic 
membrane 
imps. 
Healers 
judge 
damage to 
equilibrium 
permanent. 


When 
detained by 
MTF 
personnel 
practitioner 
claimed to be 
searching for 
"the elusive 
emperor 
canal lion". 
Practitioner 
was 
reminded by 


Unknown Timekeeper General 
(possibly Aurulis disarray in 
related to Are victim's ear 
We canal. Loss 


Chronomages 
Yet?) 


Steve 


Unknown 


of 1,356 days 
due to 
botched 
chronojump 
on the 
practitioner's 
side. 
Temporary 
hearing 
impediment 
resulting 
from 
practitioner's 
exploding 
inside the 
victim's 

Car. 
Practitioner 
summonedia 
Gladius- 
Class attack 
submarine 
inside 
unknown 
victim's ear. 


Contained 


Uncontained 


MTF 
personnel 
that no such 
creature 
existed and 
was taken 
into custody. 
Splatter 
found by 
MTF 
personnel 
spelled 
"Rock 'n' roll 
and pseudo- 
temporal 
timeshifts will 
never die!" 


MTF 
personnel 
failed to 
detain Steve 
due to his 
sneakiness. 
This is 
quickly 
becoming a 
problem. 


Addendum 164-B: The following is the protocol of the Overlord 


Council meeting concerning SCP-164-J: 
Subject: Recent increase in cases of ear invasion. 


Attending: Grand Magus Megalocnus; Zynnestra, 
Sorceress of High Marp; Scae'nTeron of the Elves; 
Inquisitor Lamentable Zeal 


<Begin Log> 


Megalocnus: Gentlemen, lady, we are here to discuss 
the dangerous forbidden art of Aurismancy. What say 
you? 


Scae'nTeron: Can we hurry this shit up? | got stuff to do. 


Megalocnus: And what..."stuff" is more important than 
an official Council meeting? 


Scae'nTeron: Man, it's elf shit, you wouldn't understand. 
You're too mainstream. 


Megalocnus: Scae'nTeron, | have been informed that 
your mother is in fact the one who is too mainstream. 


Lamentable Zeal: Er, burn? 


Megalocnus: Burn indeed. Now, what are we going to 
do about this mess? We have aurisomancers running 
around everyone's ears, sniffing in our libraries, mucking 
about. This cannot be allowed to continue. 


Zynnestra: How about a scrying network? We can set it 
up to monito- 


Megalocnus: There will be no scrying! Some of these 
libraries contain... sensitive information. Information 
some might not want others to become privy to. 


Scae'nTeron: He's talking about his centaur porn. 


Megalocnus: They are beautiful creatures, dammit! 


Those bushy tails, that flowing mane, those... luxurious 
thighs... ahm. So yes, none of that. 


Lamentable Zeal: A Holy Writ, maybe?