(River appears milkier-white than previously and 
gives off a small amount of heat. Bubbles 
previously observed by Anna appear to be small 
handlike structures that spontaneously form and 
recollapse as they flow downstream.) 


Dmitri: That doesn’t look safe. 


Konstantin: Dmitri, hand me a pole from the truck. 
I’m going to test it. 


(Konstantin retrieves a telescoping pole from the 
AF V's supplies and inserts the end into the middle 
of the river. When lifted, the submerged section of 
pole is missing entirely.) 


Konstantin: Alright, | want everyone as far away 
from the river as possible. We'll — 


(There is a slithering sound and a large leech-like 
creature, classified as SCP-3667-1h, drops from 
the ceiling of the cave and engulfs the upper torso 
of Oscar, who is standing nearest to the river.) 


November: Shoot it! Shoot it! 


(Before any members of the incursion team can 
reach it, the SCP-3667-1h instance flops into the 
river, where it and Oscar are carried away by the 
stream. The instance appears impervious to the 
river's acidic contents, but Oscar’s extremities are 
observed sloughing off and dissolving into liquid. 
Where his skeleton is exposed to the river, there 


SCP-475: Pope Soap 


Item #: SCP-475 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-475 is to be kept ina 
watertight containment locker in Storage Unit 45-C of Site-36. All 
testing with para-religions requires permission from the Site Director. 


To prevent religious Groups of Interest from learning of the object's 
existence, knowledge of SCP-475 is to follow Level Ill Infosecurity 
Protocol. 


Description: SCP-475 is an ornate sculpture of soap depicting an 
unidentified Pope. Inscribed at the base of the statue is the phrase 
"Cleanliness is next to Godliness." Analysis reveals the object to be 
composed of long-chain saturated fatty acids (CH3-(CHg2),), totaling 
89.7% of its mass, with the remaining 10.3% corresponding to - 

, attached as the hydrophilic head. It is believed that the - 
gives SCP-475 its unique properties, but all attempts to recreate this 
compound have failed. 


When SCP-475 comes into contact with water and is applied to the 
skin, all accumulated foreign contaminants are removed. Tested 
materials include dead skin cells, perspiration, bodily parasites, 
mold, dirt, and detergents. Post test examinations have shown that 
100% of foreign contaminants are removed, a statistical anomaly. 
This process only occurs when used on human skin. All attempts so- 
far to use SCP-475 on non-humans have failed to produce its 
anomalous effects. Testing on anomalous animals, such as 
SCP-1845 or SCP-2050, is pending approval. Unlike typical soaps, 
the usage of SCP-475 does not damage it. 


SCP-475's secondary anomalous effects manifest when it is used 
on a professing member of an organized religion. Subjects 
universally report greater mental clarity, show greater adherence to 


are several seconds of resistance before it, too, 
melts into a thick white paste. The SCP-3667-1h 
instance shakes itself free of what remains and 
swims further down the river, and November 
chases after it, showing signs of distress.) 


November: (Sobbing.) You fucking bastard, son of 
a bitch! 


Juliet: November, wait! 


Konstantin: Dmitri, Juliet, grab the trucks. We're 
following him. 


Juliet: Are you sure? | don’t think — 


Konstantin: No one else is going to die. | can't... 
I’m not going to let that happen. 


(The remainder of MTF Chi-5 and MTF Zeta-9 
follow November, who continues to vocalize 
distress. The surrounding environment begins to 
brighten by degrees, but the incursion team does 
not take notice of this until! November loses his 
footing on an outcropping of rock and stops.) 


Boris: Holy hell. 


November: That’s, that’s where all these bastards 
have been, been fucking hiding. 


(Approximately 1km ahead of the incursion team’s 
location, a large complex of stone structures 
several stories tall is visible, lit by enormous metal 
braziers that are responsible for the increased 
illumination. The complex straddles the river, and 
as the operatives watch a complicated wooden 
mechanism above the river appears to release 
several SCP-3667-2 instances, which quickly 
dissolve.) 


Zinaida: | thought we got all the people out of 


here. 
Gregory: Look. Over the river. 


(An elaborate system of what appear to be wooden 
walkways crisscross the river, on which are 
perched several SCP-3667-1a and SCP-3667-1b 
instances. Millipede-like creatures approximately 
30 meters long, classified as SCP-3667-1w, 
periodically climb from the river to the walkways or 
vice versa. All sub-instances occasionally reach 
into the river and extract a quantity of liquid, which 
slowly solidifies into a SCP-3667-2 instance: this is 
then consumed. Other SCP-3667-1 instances are 
observed excreting fully formed SCP-3667-2 
instances back into the river, where they are 
dissolved again.) 


Yelena: (Breathes deeply.) Okay. 


(Gregory retches. Although the incursion team 
continues to observe the entities and their prey, 
Oscar does not reappear.) 


Konstantin: Alright, that’s it. We’re going to finish 
this, and we’re going to finish it now. 


November: We... we can’t. There’s too many of 
them. 


Konstantin: They're eating out of the river, right? 
All eating, like the happy fuckers they are. Well, 
we're going to let them keep eating as much as 
they goddamn please. 


Dmitri: Are you sure about this, Konstantin? This 
isn’t in the mission parameters. 


Konstantin: Mission parameters got someone 
killed. | want everyone’s antidemonics on the 
ground here, and we'll need the extra drums from 


the truck. 


(All antidemonics and refill fluid drums are 
assembled. Konstantin rolls one of the drums to 
the edge of the river and begins to pour it in.) 


Konstantin: No one’s going to die. Except for 
those fuckers. 


END LOG 


After-action reports estimate that the introduction 
of antidemonic solution into the SCP-3667 river 
system led to the termination of over 80% of the 
anomaly’s native inhabitants, with the exception of 
SCP-3667-2 instances. MTF Chi-5 Team Three 
Captain Konstantin subjected to internal review for 
unorthodox actions taken in the field, but was 
subsequently commended for fulfilling original 
mission requirements without a severe loss of life. 
SCP-3667 tentatively reclassified to Euclid. 


SCP-3667-1x: On 04/10/2015, three days after incursion, twenty- 
four separate instances of a previously unrecorded SCP-3667-1 
subspecies, SCP-3667-1x, exited the sinkhole. MTF crews manning 
the missile system perimeter did not immediately open fire due to 
the presence of a large white cloth tied to a branch, being waved 
repeatedly by one of the entities. After discussion with Regional 
Administrator Angelina Mikhailova, a small contingent of MTF 
operatives accompanied local translator Perevodchik to the sinkhole 


in order to attempt communication. All dialogue has been 
transcribed from Russian and Old Church Slavonic. 


SCP-3667-1x Interview 


Perevodchik: (/n Russian.) Can you understand 
me? 


Anna: | doubt this will work. 


Perevodchik: You can shoot them if they make 
any sudden moves. | just want to see if they'll 
respond. 


Entity A: (/n Old Church Slavonic.) Are you the 
one we bow to? 


Dmitri: God. 


Perevodchik: It’s... an old dialect, but | think | can 
understand it. 


Entity B: Are you our queen, or are you the 
messenger only? Speak. 


Perevodchik: I’m... I’m a representative of the 
Foundation, the people who've been exploring the 
caves you live in. I'd like to ask you some 
questions about where you come from. 


Entity A: A herald, but one who does not shake in 
fear. We will treat with you. 


Entity C: Where would you wish that we set our 
treaty? On wood? On stone? In the trees, or in 
music on the air? 


Perevodchik: What kind of treaty are you talking 
about? 


Entity D: We wish to make an offering. We wish to 
be at peace. 


Entity B: We would offer to the one you herald for. 
Foundation. 


Perevodchik: And what, exactly, are you offering? 


Entity A: From the caverns of the Domovoi to the 
Lands of Laughter and Sorrow8 and all the sweet 


rivers that flow between, these we offer you. 


Entity C: And all the creatures that live in those 
lands, those who have been marked by Ognyena 
and their shepherds, you will have dominion over. 
And we will provide our counsel and advice to 
Foundation, who would be master of this realm, to 
keep it safe and prosperous. 


Entity D: We swear this on the bones of Cirnu 
Boh, and will set it in writing wherever you wish. 


Perevodchik: In exchange for what? 


Entity B: Why do you speak of exchange? 
Exchange, no. This is our offering. 


Entity A: The one you herald for, your Foundation, 
came here to conquer. He slew many of our 
warriors with weapons we do not understand, and 
now we come to offer him our land and our lives. 
This is as it is, is it not? This is good? 


Perevodchik: ...| need to talk to my supervisors. 


Site-667: On 06/06/2015, the Foundation reached an agreement 
with surviving members of SCP-3667-1, represented by 
SCP-3667-1x, ceding control of SCP-3667 to the Foundation in 
exchange for limited autonomy within the anomaly and freedom from 
arbitrary termination. Construction of Site-667, a Foundation Site 
within SCP-3667 to directly study Leibniz-class anomalies and 
entities, began on 01/03/2016 and was completed on 12/11/2017. A 
second building, the Francis Zhou9 Memorial Research Complex, is 
currently under development. Ndeye Bocoume was transferred to 
become the Site-667 Director, and was replaced as Site-574 
Director by Anatoly Polyakov. 

Upon the recommendation of SCP-3667-1x instances, and 
confirmed by modern understanding of Leibniz-class anomalies, 
several extrascientific steps have been taken by Foundation 
personnel at Site-667 to ensure the continued stability of the 


anomaly in which they reside. Most pertinently, the “ruler” of 
SCP-3667 must have an honorific that accurately represents both 
the anomaly and the belief system of the individuals who created it; 
after careful consideration, Director Ndeye Bocoume’s honorific has 
been determined to be “Director of Hell,” and she will be referred to 
as such in all official documentation. SCP-3667-1x instances have 
also been authorized to perform a variety of other rituals (see 
Document 3667-4: Approved Site-667 Leibniz-Class Rituals ) in 
order to ensure the continued stability of SCP-3667. 


Addendum: 


After almost 5 years of research, we have discovered no 
anomalous ability possessed by SCP-3667-2 instances 
other than their anomalous regeneration capabilities. 
Given the enormous material cost required to maintain 
them, effective immediately the Foundation is disbanding 
this department and relocating all SCP-3667-2 instances 
to classified locations, where they will be allowed to 
reintegrate into society. 


| would like to extend my gratitude to all the others who 
have worked in this department, both human and other, 
and to say that | have greatly appreciated the last 5 
years spent working together. 


Paul Xxaravox, Eater of Fire 
SCP-3667-2 Research Department Head, Site-667 


You have (1) new message 


FROM: Ndeye Bocoume 
(Site-667 Director) 
<noitadnuof.pcs| 
emuocobn#noitadnuof.pcs| 
emuocobn> 

TO: Bryan Browning (Site-419 
Director) <noitadnuof.pcs| 
gninworbb#noitadnuof.pcs| 
gninworbb>, Matias Hernandez 
(Site-309 Director) 


Footnotes 


<noitadnuof.pcs| 
zednanrehm#noitadnuof.pcs| 
zednanrehm> 

SUBJECT: D-Class Supply 


Dear Bryan, Matias: 


| know we discussed dwindling D- 
Class supplies last month, and 
that at the time | unfortunately 
had none to spare. I’m happy to 
announce that something has 
come up that changes that — I'll 
be sending each of you a 
shipment of new D-Class come 
next week. 

It isn’t as many as you had hoped 
for, but rest assured, these ones 
will withstand most anything you 
throw at them (don’t worry, still 
safe for crosstesting!) 


| do hope you're able to put them 
to good use, and I’m eager to 
hear about any updates you may 
have at your Sites. 


Best regards, 


Ndeye Bocoume 
Director of Hell 


1. 38% Russian Orthodox, 13% pagan, 26% atheist 

2. le. created by shared and anomalously concentrated belief. 

3.05 memorandum to all sites, 07/10/2011:Due to the frequency of 
SCP instances possessing or replacing Foundation personnel during 
periods of video and radio interference, effective immediately each 
Foundation exploration team must carry at least one portable Kant 


counter, which will be used to check for perturbations in baseline 
reality immediately after each and every loss of contact with external 
command. Standard Foundation exploration suits will also be 
updated with vital signs tracking over the next two years, which will 
be monitored and recorded during every exploration. 

4. Presumably an oculus from Byzantine architecture, a circular 
opening at the apex of a dome. 

5. Despite their regenerative capabilities, SCP-3667-2 instances age 
at the same rate as non-anomalous humans. 

6. A radical and heterodox branch of the Orthodox Church, since 
excommunicated by the Patriarch of Moscow after its founder’s 
death. 

7. Field-issued equipment from the Department of Tactical 
Exorcism, designed to combat Leibniz-class entities. While early 
antidemonics utilized a combination of sanctified water and inscribed 
stones, modern efforts favour a mixture of sea salt, olive oil, and 
glass cleaner. 

8. Presumed to correspond to geographic features within SCP-3667, 
although these are currently unidentified. 

9. Legal name of MTF Zeta-9 operative “Oscar,” declassified 
posthumously. 


SCP-3668: Provenance 


Item #: SCP-3668 
Object Class: Safe 
Threat Level: White O 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3668 is to be kept within 
in a display case at Foundation Command-02 due to the site's 
location in Washington D.C. 


SCP-3668 is currently being used as a part of Potomac Briefings. 1 
During Potomac Briefings, SCP-3668 is to be removed from 
containment, and the agent leading the briefing is to explain the 
anomalous properties and history of SCP-3668. 


To demonstrate the anomalous properties of SCP-3668, a 
secondary agent is to wield SCP-3668 while the leading agent 
repeatedly fires a handgun at the secondary agent's head. 


Description: SCP-3668 is a Yetholm-type shield?. SCP-3668 is 
apparently indestructible, being completely resistant to physical 
damage and showing no signs of wear. 


When a living human wields SCP-3668 (henceforth referred to as 
the wielder) and is threatened, semicorporeal humanoids 
(henceforth referred to as SCP-3668-1) manifest between the 
source of danger and the wielder. The number of SCP-3668-1 
instances is variable, depending on the nature of the threat, with the 
highest recorded number being twenty. Each SCP-3668-1 is armed 
with a shield identical to SCP-3668 and are dressed in armor 
matching Pictish designs of 1200 BCE - 800 BCE. 


Wielders are able to identify some SCP-3668-1 as being visually 
reminiscent of their recently deceased ancestors.3 The unidentified 
instances are believed to represent older ancestors. SCP-3668- 1 


entities have been recorded to include both biological and adoptive 
ancestors. Ancestors that were soldiers or warriors appear more 
frequently among SCP-3668-1 instances. SCP-3668-1 instances are 
unable to verbally communicate. 


After SCP-3668-1 instances manifest, they will begin to defend the 
wielder against physical harm. All SCP-3668-1 instances display the 
same indestructible properties as SCP-3668. Should danger to the 
wielder be lasting or more substantial, SCP-3668-1 instances will 
attempt to help the wielder escape from danger.