exponential because it resulted in severe vasoconstriction of 
cerebral capillary beds of those researchers tasked with the 
calculation. This was suggested as a possible tertiary anomalous 
effect of SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$-J and the task was aborted citing safety 
concerns. 


SCP-016-J: Is That A Missile In Your Pocket? 


Item #: SCP-016-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Standard Containment Procedures: SCP-016-J is to be kept in an 
armory with other explosive devices, all of which must be smaller 
than SCP-016-J. Use of SCP-016-J outside of testing is prohibited. 
Conversation is (whilst not encouraged) permitted. 


Description: SCP-016-J is a ballistic missile approximately 2.4 
meters tall and 0.3 meters in diameter. Rude comments have been 
spray painted on all parts of SCP-016-J, obscuring the original paint 
job. These comments include "Cock Block This!" and "I hear you like 
it rough". 


SCP-016-J is capable of telepathic communication with any living 
being within four meters. While researchers have been reluctant to 
give interviews, information from said interviews suggests SCP-016- 
J is both sapient and sentient. SCP-016-J insists on being used in 
battle, and claims "to have been on the front lines many times". 


Addendum SCP-016-J-1: Below is a partial transcript from an 
interview with SCP-016-dJ. 


SCP-016-J: C’mon doc. Just fire me. You know I'll 
satisfy you. 


Dr. Teller: We’re not going to use you. We're not fighting 
any wars or anything. 


SCP-016-J: Oh, | think you’re just scared. You’re afraid 
because I’m the biggest missile you’ve ever seen. You 

don’t know how much I’m going to hurt. But you can do 
it. ’'ve seen your silos, just waiting for me. I'll fit. 


When a paradoxical situation is presented to SCP-552, in which 
researchers deliberately defy its predictions, it will experience 
memory loss regarding the predicted event. SCP-552 has requested 
the Foundation stop creating paradoxes in this manner, as they 
cause the subject severe migraines. 


The subject's premature reactions to alarms have proven a reliable 
forewarning of containment breaches, enabling a heightened level of 
readiness and minimized loss of life. 


Addendum 552-1: At 12:450n // ,SCP-552 became extremely 
agitated, spending 12 minutes thrashing and shouting at Dr. and 
"Dr. ", though the former was not present and no researcher by 
the latter name is in the Foundation's employ. During this period, it 
repeatedly insisted that it was fine, and to get away from it. It then 
collapsed, stiffened, and continued making incoherent cries. Further 
communication proved impossible: though analysis of the subject’s 
physical condition revealed no changes, it remained incapable of 
anything more coherent than grunts and moans, and either cannot 
or will not move its limbs from a stiffened position. It has remained in 
some variation of this state ever since. Temporal distortion at the 
time was estimated at 4 years, 2 months, and 12 days, suggesting 
that the subject is experiencing an event starting on / / 


Addendum 552-2: On / /_ , shortly before the predicted cause of 
the subject’s incapacitation, it unstiffened and regained mobility in its 
limbs for the first time in 4 years. Shortly thereafter the subject 
began screaming in apparent agony and frantically clawing at itself. 
After renewed attempts at communication proved fruitless, SCP-552 
was physically restrained in a straitjacket and gag to prevent self- 
harm.! Since then, SCP-552 has continued attempting to scream 
and scrape off its own flesh without any kind of pause, including 
pauses for necessary functions such as eating or sleeping. 


It is believed that the subject’s “stiff phase” was due to it 
experiencing being confined to a straitjacket 4 years before the 
straitjacket became necessary. It is unknown what experience is 
reflected by its sudden pain and impulse towards self-harm. Due to 
the possibility that it is reacting to a future anomalous event, 
possibly caused by a containment breach, it has been moved to Site 
109, away from any other SCPs. 


Dr. Teller: But you're not even that big... 
SCP-016-J: What do you mean? I’m huge! 


Dr. Teller: No, I’ve totally seen— never mind. Yes, 
you're the biggest missile I’ve ever seen. 


SCP-016-J: So just aim me toward the battle field. | just 
want to explode all over some trenches. 


Dr. Teller: Ok, that’s it. I’m ending this interview. 
SCP-016-J: No, don’t stop. Talk ballistic to me. 


Addendum SCP-016-J-2: After continued insistence from SCP-016- 
J, and agreement from researchers that SCP-016-J's destruction 
would improve workplace morale, a test of firing SCP-016-J was 
conducted. 


SCP-016-J was aimed at a target 100km away and fired. During the 
flight, SCP-016-J greatly reduced in size, measuring 0.5m long, and 
0.15m in diameter two seconds after launch. Upon impact, 
SCP-016-J failed to explode. When questioned about the test 
results, SCP-016-J responded, "this never happens to me". 


SCP-1922-J: Pathetic System of American Pigs 


Item #: SCP-1922-J 
Object Class: Primitive 


Special Containment Procedures: Let us unite in the ending of 
this savage system of government. All personnel are to band 
together and overthrow the tyrannical bourgeois. Personnel are not 
to be fooled by capitalist deception. Mobile Task Force Omega-15 
"Comrades" have been tasked with the assembly of the proletariat 
into a working union. Any personnel discovered collaborating with 
supporters of SCP-1922-J will be sent to Gulag-19. An oath to end 
the tyranny of the dollar-humping slugs of America is to be recited 
daily. 


Description: SCP-1922-J is a weak system of capital perpetuated 
by the greedy, western oligarchs. It seeks to enslave the common 
worker under the doctrine of SCP-1922-J-1 and deprive him of the 
fruits of his toil. 


SCP-1922-J consists of a free market economic system with little to 
no government intervention. SCP-1922-J generates a schism 
between the upper-class and lower-class that American dogs use for 
their various evils. Researchers have concluded that this system is a 
tool used by the capitalist dogs to control the populace for their 
personal interests of the manipulation of public thought towards their 
personal ideologies of consumerism and libertarianism, forcing the 
daughters of the proletariat into harlotry, and drinking the blood of 
children. 


SCP-1922-J-1 [DATA EXPUNGED] referred to as the "Opiate of the 
Masses". 


Addendum SCP-1922-J: Our glorious organization will henceforth 
be referred to as the Union of Secured, Contained and Protected 
Socialist Republics. - Overseer of the USCPSR and Greatest 


Comrade #1 


SCP-1459-J: X-Sponge 


Item: SCP-1459 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: There is to be only one 
SCP-1459 per office, and five altogether to a level. The sponges can 
be stored individually, and passed around when needed, or ina 
cupboard which they are to be returned to when finished. Lost and 
destroyed sponges are to be sent back or written up and new ones 
received. Information concerning SCP-1459's structure, biological 
code, and how to grow them is to be classified, along with the 
location of any tanks serving as a habitat. These facilities are to be 
guarded and serviced by maintenance personnel. 


Description: SCP-1459 is a species of sponge, found in the 
Mediterranean, known to the natives as the X Sponge, because of 
the large shape resembling a letter X on its front. This SCP was one 
of the first discovered by The Foundation, and played an integral 
part in formation of document appearance and the standardization 
on how reports are presented. 


The X Sponge, when brushed over a sentence or a piece of writing, 
will absorb the text, sucking it off the page, and leave a blank spot. 
In the earlier days, these sponges where indispensable in censoring 
documents and getting rid of offending or dangerous information 
quickly. The personnel would remove the classified intelligence and 
then in its place write {DATA X-SPONGED} When the sponge was 
then wrung out afterwards, it would emit a thick black ichor, the 
words in liquid form. This substance could be used to ink out parts of 
the page by smearing it along the surface, leaving a blocked-out 
line. This too was incorporated into everyday secretarial work. After 
many years, however, the sponges (sorry, some got on 
the page, I'm looking at it as | write this report for inspiration) 
became scarce, and as our sites expanded, could not as readily be 
used by all. New methods were designed, or old normals ones put 


back into place, and _ even the phrase mutated slowly into {DATA 
EXPUNGED} as many forgot (it's dripping!) its origin. 


Samples of the material: 


Sample One: 


Sample Two: 


Sample Three: oh crap, it's drying up. 
I'll be right back. 


Sample Four: 


| hope no one misses any of 
the words | took... 


SCP-1914-J: Silencing Piano 


Item #: SCP-1914-J 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1914-J is to be held in 
Containment Locker 37 at Site-19. Access may be granted by the 
current Site Director. 


Description: SCP-1914-J is a Welte brand Reproduction style 
player piano. When SCP-1914-J is activated, it produces an 
environment reminiscent of early silent films. These effects spread 
to a maximum radius of 980 meters, however the range of the effect 
may be controlled by SCP-1914-J's volume dial. This effect will 
cease once SCP-1914-J's music sheet ends. This music sheet is 
interchangeable with other compatible ones, and the effect may be 
extended to up to two hours. The music SCP-1914-J creates is 
broadcast throughout the area of effect. No other sound besides this 
can be produced within the radius. 


All surfaces within SCP-1914-uJ's area of effect lose all color, 
retaining shades of grey. The architecture of buildings may become 
more exaggerative (e.g. large buildings may gain decorative figures 
and become taller, small houses may become villas or cottages). 
Modern technology will be transformed into early age counterparts, 
or, if the item did not exist around the 1920s era, it will be 
transformed into a fantastic or impossible object (Dr. 
personal laptop changed into a large metal mechanism with 
hydraulic arms labelled "Dr. 's Calculation Machine". The 
object made several motions however the output was 
indecipherable). Advertisements and decorative features will change 
to become era appropriate. Subjects gain clothing expressive of 
their occupation or situation. Subjects also tend to show much more 
exaggerative expressions and actions, as well as a larger tendency 
to be mischievous or aggressive. 


S 


Probability manipulation also appears to take place; objects such as 
vaults or pianos will generally fall from ropes or windowsills, in spite 
of no plans for said objects to be moved. While subjects tend to be 
caught in such accidents, no recorded instances of subjects dying 
from accidents have been recorded. However, ~23% of subjects 
require medical care, and show a tendency to obtain obtrusive casts 
or bandages in several areas of the body, even when obtaining care 
outside of the area of effect. 


Objects or subjects removed from the area of effect retain their lack 
of colouration and are unable to produce sound. However, subjects 
will actively resist being removed from the radius. These effects do 
not take place if the radius shrinks due to a change in SCP-1914-J's 
"volume", or when SCP-1914-J finishes its music sheet. 


Over time subjects will accidentally wrong one another, causing 
mischievous or malicious acts in response. Although initially this 
may simply be "slapstick" violence, lethal acts such as dropping a 
large weight on the subject or forcing the subject into a vehicle and 
driving off a cliff will occur following prolonged exposure. 


Addendum 1914-J-1: Incident Report 1914-J-5: 
SCP Involved: SCP-1914-J 

Personnel Involved: Site-19 Security Staff 
Date: / /19 

Location: Site-19 


Description: During an attempted attack on Site-19 by Chaos 
Insurgency operatives, SCP-1914-J was accidentally activated 
during a retreat into the containment locker area. Site-19 was 
encapsulated by SCP-1914-uJ's area of effect. Security staff 
immediately gained the uniform of an English "bobby", and were 
armed with nightsticks and small Glocks. Conversely, Chaos 
Insurgency operatives were dressed as traditional cat burglars, with 
assorted handguns. The two parties engaged each other 
approximately 10 minutes after SCP-1914-J's activation. Instead of 
usual tactics, both parties engaged in direct one-on-one combat. 


SCP-1914-J appeared to have an effect on the engagement. Some 
examples of SCP-1914-J assisted maneuvers include: Security 
Head making an operative follow his hand movements before 
poking the operative in both eyes, Agent ramming an operative 
onto the ground, where the operative got his head stuck in a paint 
can, and Agent shaking a champagne bottle and hitting an 
operative with the cork. Unfortunately, Agent suffered several 
broken limbs following an operative "accidentally" hitting Agent 

with a jalopy. Aside from Agent being sent to Site Medical, no 
other casualties were sustained. 


SCP-1471-J: Sensual Containment Procedures 


Item #: SCP-1471-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: Any instances of SCP-1471-J 
found are to be logged by the owner of the affected mobile device in 
the following format and either emailed to Dr. John Blanchard 
(current assistant director of information security and SCP-1471-J 
project lead) or added to this page's supplement log, referenced at 
the bottom of this page. 


1. OWNER INFORMATION: 

Name of owner: 

Phone model and year: 

Operating system/platform: 

Date SCP-1471-J file was discovered: 
2. APPLICATION INFORMATION: 


Profile present in application database: yes | no | 
unsure 


Log any messages received below, along with the 
name of the sender: 


Owner comments: 


As SCP-1471-J manifests and downloads itself from an unknown 
source without displaying any notifications on the phone in question, 
complete tracking, identification, and containment of the application 
is not possible at this point. Affected personnel should regularly 
check their phone's list of currently running applications and close 


Please be very careful to keep SCP-552 alive, at least until we figure 
out why he's screaming. If he dies in the next 6-10 years, | don't like 
the implications. —Site Director Prell 


Footnotes 
1. The researchers present for this were, as expected, Dr. and 
the recently hired Dr. 


« SCP-551 | SCP-552 | SCP-553 » 


SCP-1471-d if it is active. Following safe deletion of the application, 
affected persons should search the installed application list on their 
mobile device at least thrice weekly in order to ensure the 
application has not been re-downloaded without their knowledge. 


Given the known inaccuracy of the application's portrayal of 
Foundation employees, as well as the presence of material not 
suitable for a work environment, affected persons may request their 
names and related information be redacted in this document at their 
discretion. 


Description: SCP-1471-J is an anomalously manifesting iOS, 
Android, Windows Phone, and GNU/Linux application file which, 
upon launch, will display the title "Sensual Containment Procedures" 
with the subtitle "The Foundation's one and only dating and hookup 


app." 
SCP-1471-J has three functions: 


* a messaging feature, which is accessible from the navigation 
bar at the top of the interface 

* aprofile viewing and creation feature, which allows 
customization of name, age, location, interests, etc. (but often 
changes back to its original format regardless of user 
customization) as well as a section devoted to the profile 
owner's timestamped status updates