Procedure: A Foundation researcher using SCP-1131 is 
to be exposed to SCP-055 to see if it has any effect 
against the object's antimemetic properties. 


Results: See transcript below. 


[BEGIN LOG] 

Dr. Condon: Hooooooly shit. 

Dr. Caroll: What do you see? 

Dr. Condon: Roy, | see it. 

Dr. Caroll: What do you see, Dr. Condon? 
Dr. Condon: | see it. Oh-fifty-five. 
SCP-055: Well shit. 

Dr. Caroll: What is SCP-055— er, what? 


Dr. Condon: We have an oh-fifty-five! It's right in front of 
me! 


Dr. Caroll: We don't have an oh-fifty-five. What do you 
see, anyway? 


SCP-055: Don't tell him. 

Dr. Condon: It's... 

SCP-055: Don't do it. 

Dr. Condon: It's... it's incredible... 

Dr. Caroll: What is the object you see? 

Dr. Condon: ...it's a tinfoil hat. With a mouth. 
SCP-055: ...why’'d you have to ruin the fun? 
[END LOG] 


Footnotes 
1. Possible usage against memetic/antimemetic objects is 


undergoing experimentation. 


SCP-1987-J: Bitchin' Solo 


Item #: SCP-1987-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: All printed copies or recordings 
of SCP-1987-J are to be destroyed, except for a single printed copy 
to be stored in a locked safe at Site 5150. One six-string electric 
guitar, of any standard model, is to be made available for testing 
purposes. As of / /20 , testing is to be conducted by and on D- 
class personnel only. Any people or objects affected by SCP-1987-J 
are to be examined immediately after conclusion of test and 
archived or neutralized as necessary. Female staff members are not 
to be exposed to SCP-1987-J's effects under any circumstances. 


In the event of a manifestation of SCP-1987-J-1, the D-class 
responsible for activating SCP-1987-J is to accept its request. No 
staff are to interact with SCP-1987-J-1 directly. Test subject may be 
reassigned in event of failure; in event of success, Procedure 
Counter-XK-25R624 is to be enacted immediately. 


Mobile Task Force Omega-2112 ("Beaumont Police Department") is 
to monitor major and independent music publishers and online 
music distribution networks for any indication of an independent 
rediscovery of SCP-1987-J. In the event of a containment breach, all 
offending media is to be removed from public consumption and MTF 
Omega-2112 is authorized to execute Procedure Kasem, Procedure 
Sumner, or Procedure Cobain at O5 discretion. 


Description: SCP-1987-J is a sequence of chords intended to be 
played on an electric guitar, which produces several anomalous 
effects when played. SCP-1987-J has been discovered 
independently by several individuals since the development of the 
electric guitar in the 1930s. The earliest known written copy exists in 
the form of a hand-written tabulature dated to 1965, with the note 
"To J.H. - pretty cool, huh? -L.R." in the margin. 


Extensive testing has indicated that any person who is aware of how 
SCP-1987-J is intended to sound when played, and has access to 
an electric guitar and amplifier, is able to produce SCP-1987-J, 
regardless of any previously documented ability to play guitar or lack 
thereof. Once play begins, anomalous effects begin to occur within 
the area where SCP-1987-J is audible after approximately 1.6 
seconds, and continue to manifest every 10-30 seconds, until play 
ceases or SCP-1987-J-1 manifests. No specific pattern as to the 
effects produced by SCP-1987-J-1 has been discerned to date. All 
effects produced by SCP-1987-J are permanent and are not 
reversed by cessation of play or subsequent exposure. Effects 
documented as a result of SCP-1987-J include: 


¢ Perception by onlookers that the player is unusually physically 
attractive or charismatic. 

¢ Spontaneous lengthening of the player's hair and/or 

enlargement of genitals. 

Apparent age of all females within area of effect changing to 

approximately eighteen years, and/or spontaneous 

manifestation of eight to ten such individuals if no female 

subjects are present. (Concurrent transmogrification of 

subjects’ clothes into thong bikinis, lingerie, or leather fetish 

gear has occurred in 68% of documented instances - 

extensive testing has been authorized to determine where 

effects are correlated.) 

Transformation of late-model automobiles in area of effect to 

vintage hot rods, muscle cars, or custom motorcycles. 

¢ Spontaneous manifestation of large quantities of distilled 
alcoholic beverages. 

* Spontaneous manifestation of sparks, pyrotechnics, or large 

fans. 

Immunity of the player to bullets. 

Resurrection of the dead, either to their previous state or as 

"zombies" loyal to the player. 

* Spontaneous manifestations of "dragons", dinosaurs, or 
scantily-clad female "angels" loyal to the player. 

¢ Liquefaction of observers’ facial features. 

¢ Spontaneous pregnancy in fertile female subjects. 

¢ Spontaneous pregnancy in infertile female subjects. 

¢ Spontaneous pregnancy in male subjects. 


Testing has determined that all above effects are only produced 
when SCP-1987-J is performed on an electric guitar. Attempts to 
produce SCP-1987-J on acoustic guitar, keyboard, banjo, ukulele, or 
saxophone have produced a memetic field which causes all 
observers to view the player as "uncool" or "a sellout", with extended 
test sessions resulting in permanent [REDACTED] testicles. 


SCP-1987-J-1 is an entity resembling a Caucasian male of 
approximately 25 years age, which to date has manifested on any 
occasion when performance of SCP-1987-J has passed a collective 
total of three minutes, one second in duration. SCP-1987-J-1, which 
has variously introduced itself by the names "Count Rockula", "Sir 
Rocksalot", and "the Lord of the Strings", will immediately upon 
manifesting order the player to cease and challenge him or her to 
what it describes as an "Epic Rockdown of Rocktimate Rockstiny", 
which has been observed to take the form of a "guitar duel" between 
SCP-1987-J-1 and the player, with the offer of "Ultimate Rockness" 
if the player is successful. 


The nature of "Ultimate Rockness" has yet to be determined - in all 
observed instances, SCP-1987-J-1 has declared itself the winner 
and demanifested, followed by the player's spontaneous 
transformation into an instance of SCP-1987-J-2 - an unattractive 
male (regardless of the player's original gender) approximately 45 
years of age, wearing the uniform of a gas station attendant, which 
identifies itself as "Earl", and claims to be a fan of country music. All 
instances of SCP-1987-J-2 have proven unable to produce 
SCP-1987-J or to display any degree of skill with the guitar, and 
have been assigned to the maintenance of the Foundation's motor 
pool. 


Memo from Dr. Klein: As of / /20 , 1am hereby forbidding all staff 
other than D-class from conducting tests on SCP-1987-J. To date, 
thirty-eight researchers at Site 5150 alone have become iterations of 
SCP-1987-J-2 while attempting to acquire the power of Ultimate 
Rockness. Site 1137 is now facing a five-month backlog on critical 
laboratory work; however, we possess well in excess of the required 
automobile maintenance staff, and will have to resort to assigning 
the SCP-1987-J-2 instances as D-class due to a lack of work to 
assign them. As tempting as Ultimate Rockness may be, we have 


« SCP-546 | SCP-547 | SCP-548 » 


more important concerns at this time. 


SCP-5972-J: Kirby Company Vacuum Cleaner 


Item #: SCP-5972-J 
Object Class: Fucking Keter, Jesus Christ 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5972-J is to be kept in 
Containment Locker 5972-J. Access to this locker is to be barred to 
all male personnel, even if they're drunk and their buddies bet them 
they couldn't get in. 


Description: SCP-5972-J is a standard vacuum cleaner produced 
by The Kirby Company. SCP-5972-J appears to be a sentient 
predator. Males viewing SCP-5972-J will feel a sudden compulsion 
to stick their genitalia into the vacuum tube. SCP-5972-J will then 
activate at maximum power and... yeah... fuck... 


SCP-5972-J has a secondary memetic effect. Males reading about 
its effects will feel extremely uncomfortable. This is followed by a 
contraction of the thigh muscles until the legs fully cover the 
genitalia, and a series of sharp inhalations. 


Addendum 5972-J: Interview Log 5972-J 
Interviewed: D-5748, a 25-year-old male 
Interviewer: Dr. Valen 


Foreword: Testing of the secondary effects of 
SCP-5972-J 


<Begin Log> 


Dr. Valen: I'm going to tell you what this thing does, and 
we're just going to gauge your reaction, alright? 


D-5748: Alright. 


Dr. Valen: So it's this vacuum cleaner, right? And when 
you see it, you want to put your dick in it. 


D-5748: That's fucked up, man. 


Dr. Valen: | know, crazy shit. Anyways, you put your dick 
in it, and it turns on. 


D-5748: (Turning visibly white, legs turning inwards) Oh 
shit... 


Dr. Valen: And then it just sucks your dick right off. 


D-5748: (Nose flared in disgust. Leans back and snaps 
fingers) Whoa shit! 


Dr. Valen: It sucks up the nuts too. 


D-5748: (Winces and covers his eyes) Oh god, man. 
What the fuck?! 


Dr. Valen: It's fucked up man. Like, seriously. Shit. 


D-5748: I've seen a lot of crazy shit here, but man, fuck 
this. 


Dr. Valen: | need to go out for some air. Want a drink? 
D-5748: | need a fucking 6-pack. 
<End Log> 


Closing Statement: D-5748 was glad to face his month- 
end termination, stating, "At least they didn't put my dick 
in that fucked-up vacuum." 


SCP-1851-J: Fibber Lake 


Item #: SCP-1851-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1851-J is to remain 
secured behind a 1 km perimeter under the pretext of environmental 
preservation with a staff of guards posted at Station 1851-J-Zeta. 
Scientific staff are to monitor SCP-1851-J's population daily for 
spikes or declines. 


A public "Shame on Fibbers" disinformation campaign is to be 
undertaken to minimize the anomalous effects of SCP-1851-J. The 
local Foundation communications station, operating under the front 
of the Salmon, Carp, and Pike Fish Hatchery, is to remain in daily 
contact with personnel at Station-1851 -Zeta. 


Description: SCP-1851-J is a freshwater lake in the remote forest 
of [REDACTED] in the European country Cz[REDACTED]slovakia. 
SCP-1851-J is nearly circular in shape and has a diameter of 
roughly 2 km. It is teeming with large fish which appear to be non- 
anomalous other than some being saltwater fish who nonetheless 
survive in the freshwater environment. To the uninformed observer, 
it may appear that an improbable number of fish are leaping from 
the lake at all times. 


SCP-1851-J's anomalous property is activated when any person 
misrepresents, tells a half-truth, or lies about the size of a fish that 
they nearly caught on a fishing trip. A fish corresponding to the 
description will appear instantaneously about 3 meters above 
SCP-1851-J. Most fish in the lake are about 1.75 meters in length, 
corresponding to the length of an average-sized male's outstretched 
arms. 


SCP-1851-J's anomalous effects were discovered after an initial 
research team investigated the lake and collected several wildlife 


samples. Dr. claimed before other researchers and locals ina 
village pub to have just been fishing and nearly caught a fish "the 
size of a VW Beetle." As he said this, the secondary team of 
researchers watched as such a fish materialized in the air above the 
surface of the lake and dropped into the water with a significant 
splash, capsizing the research canoe. 


Fish-producing lies must be genuine. A researcher who is aware of 
the anomaly, for instance, cannot say "I almost caught a fish this big 
[outstretched arms] made of solid gold" and expect such a fish to 
materialize in SCP-1851-J. This serves as a reminder to researchers 
that not everything runs on SCP-261 rules, and you should not be 
thinking of anomalies as slot machines in the first place. 


Whales, dolphins, and other aquatic mammals do not appear to be 
subject to the anomaly. Sharks, however, are; accordingly, it is 
imperative that knowledge of SCP-1851-u's effects does not reach 
certain Gols. 


Examination of water samples indicates a high concentration of 
plankton, kelp, and other detritus that the fish would feed on, 
meaning the ecosystem scales with the increasing population. The 
leading theory is that fish "lie" about their food acquisitions in a 
manner similar to human fishermen, leading to an appropriately 
sufficient level of sustenance in SCP-1851-J. Researchers have 
thus concluded that all fish are liars. 


UPDATE: Researcher 's proposal to use SCP-1851-J to feed 
SCP-2875 has been rejected. O-5 comments on the proposal 
ranged from "why would we want to encourage a bunch of hungry 
fucking bears?" to "why would we compromise our favorite fishing 
spot like that?" 


Personnel exposed to SCP-1851-J for long amounts of time begin 
noticing deterioration in their thought patterns, as well as seeing and 
herring things. This may be a codnitohazard, but may reely be rogue 
researchers acting on porpoise, sowing discord for the halibut. 
Further investigation is required to quell the trouts of senior staff. 


Offishoals should be notified of drastic changes in wildlife behavior 
or ecological composition. In short: if you sea some fin, say some 


fin. 


SCP-1830-J: Opening Line 


Item #: SCP-1830-J 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: Containment of SCP-1830-d is 
easier said than done, as our current abilities just don't cut the 
mustard. It goes without saying that the Foundation must search 
high and low for any documents affected by SCP-1830-J and end 
them once and for all, or it's only a matter of time before it's curtains 
for us. 


All persons affected by SCP-1830-J must be terminated with 
extreme prejudice, time being of the essence. This is a tried and true 
method of putting a stop to it. The Foundation previously took a stab 
at amnestic administration in earlier days, but the road to hell is 
paved with good intentions. Staff interacting with SCP-1830-J 
victims should wear hearing protection, as an ounce of prevention is 
worth a pound of cure. 


Description: For all intents and purposes, SCP-1830-d is an 
anomaly affecting individuals which causes them to use over-the- 
top, clichéd turns of phrase in written documents, as well as 
perceiving other documents to be under the thumb of SCP-1830-J. 
In this day and age, it is estimated that % of the world's population 
is affected by SCP-1830-J (more or less), but these could be just the 
tip of the iceberg. 


SCP-1830-J is able to spread like wildfire and should be avoided like 
the plague. Attempting to convince victims they are affected by 
SCP-1830-u is like talking to a brick wall, as they believe SCP-1830- 
J is the best thing since sliced bread. Administering standard 
intelligence tests suggests they are a few sandwiches short of a 
picnic. Communication with victims also runs the risk of spreading 
SCP-1830-J, as when you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also 
gazes into you. 


To the best of our knowledge, the origin of SCP-1830-J was 
mid-19th century England, where the turn of phrase " 

"may be where it all began, although that could be just a shot in 
the dark. 


If SCP-1830-J is allowed to run rampant, it's plain as day that this 
would cause literature as an art form to bite the dust; while there's 
no accounting for taste, works affected by SCP-1830-J are a far cry 
from readable. While the Foundation must count its blessings that 
no mass outbreak of SCP-1830-J has occurred, this may just be the 
calm before the storm. 


Addendum: /t looks like we've had the wool pulled over our eyes; 
SCP-1830-J was right under our noses the whole time. | propose we 
lock this article once and for all, so it won't cause anyone else to trip 
up. All's well that ends well! 


It's a good thing the rest of the database is safe as houses.