Method: Subject is instructed to take a seat in the diner, 
wait until ordered, and knock over the salt shaker 
Results: Within 2 seconds of salt being spilled an entity 
(hereafter referred to as SCP-1000-J-1) resembling a 
[DATA EXPUNGED], appeared behind the subject and 
[DATA EXPUNGED] resulting in casualties of security 


personnel. 


Note: Testing area is to be evacuated before and during 
any further testing. 


Experiment 1000-J-2 


Subject: D-53157 

Date: / /20 

Method: Subject is instructed to take a seat in the diner, 
wait until ordered, knock over the salt shaker, and 
immediately throw salt over his left shoulder. 

Results: At first personnel believed that the test had 
gone according to Dr. 's predictions, with no 
appearance of 1000-J-1. Upon review of high speed 
cameras installed in the diner, 1000-J-1 was seen to 
[DATA EXPUNGED] for approximately milliseconds 
before being struck by the salt in the area assumed to be 
the face, vanishing. 


Note: In light of Experiment 1000-J-2, all security teams 
are to be equipped with at least one shotgun loaded with 
1 (one) rock salt round. Rounds are to be signed in and 
out from the security station located at [DATA 
REDACTED]. Failure to return a round to its holding area 
will result in re-assignment to Keter-duty and/or demotion 
to D-class. 


Experiment 1000-J-3 


Subject: D-54813 

Date: / /20 

Method: Same as Experiment 1000-J-2, but subject is 
given a different salt shaker. 

Results: Same as Experiment 1000-J-2. 


Note: During the brief periods of time in which the 
previous experiments took place Dr. Clef was noted to 
be absent from Site- . 


Addendum 1000-J-B: 


Incident 1000-J-1 

SCP Involved: SCP-1000-J 
Personnel Involved: Agent F 
Date: / / 

Location: SCP-1000-J 
Description: 


During routine examination of SCP-1000-J, Agent F 
accidentally ingested the gum he had been chewing. 
Several hours later, Agent F began complaining of 
severe intestinal pain. Examination by medical staff 
present revealed a blockage in Agent F's small 
intestine. 


Agent F _ 's intestine were then surgically opened. 
Medical personnel discovered the wad of gum Agent 

F had been chewing earlier lodged in his duodenum. 
Although the gum would normally have been processed, 
examination of the progress made by Agent F i's 
digestive system showed that the breaking down of the 
wad of gum into portions small enough to travel through 
the digestive system would have taken an estimated 
seven years. 


Agent F made a full recovery from the operation. 


Site-17's Precious Items wing. 
Description: SCP-545 may be determined as three separate parts. 


SCP-545-A appears to be an elderly woman, presumably of Eastern 
European descent. 1.5 m (5 ft) in height, and 73.9 kg (168 Ibs) in 
weight, giving her a short, plump build. Her skin, although deeply 
tanned and heavily lined, is devoid of blemishes or liver spots 
otherwise common with age. Her hair is thick, completely white and 
past her waist when let down, although 545-A prefers to keep it up in 
a tight bun. Her eyes, despite her age, are a bright, clear blue and 
devoid of cataracts or fogginess. As a reward for good behaviour 
and cooperation, she has been allowed to choose a wardrobe of 
simple and traditional dresses and eyeglasses. Despite appearing to 
be 80+ years old, 545-A is in exceptional health, with no weakening 
of the heart, bones, or respiratory system. And although of average 
human strength, her senses are noted to be above-average, and 
she scores a general 115 on a standard IQ test. 


SCP-545-A claims to be over 800 years old. This claim has yet to be 
disproved. 


SCP-545-A prefers to be called a number of names and dislikes the 
SCP designation number. She will respond to "Grannie", "Beatrice", 
"Ms. Widow", and has taken a liking to Dr. 's nickname for her- 
"Totenkinder". She displays a generally pleasant personality and 
enjoys activities such as sewing, cooking and gardening. SCP-545- 
A often requests conversations and walks outside as well. Despite 
SCP-545-A's penchant for acting like a kindly older woman, she 
displays no remorse for her use of SCP-545-B/C. 


SCP-545-A also displays a pathological fear of death and an 
addiction to SCP-545-B, and she complies with Foundation 
personnel under threat of being deprived of her supply of SCP-545- 
B. As the only known long-term user of SCP-545-B, 545-A's 
information is considered invaluable. 


SCP-545-B is a colorless, odorless liquid extracted from the body 
via 545-C and bottled. It is often dubbed "Liquid Life" due to its 
properties. Under examination, 545-B appears to be slightly more 
viscous than water, but varies in direct texture and taste. 545-B has 


The Things Dr Bright Is Not Allowed To Do At The 
Foundation 


Revised List. Please note: No more additions are being allowed. 
This list is meant as a joke, and not an actual depiction of how 
the character Dr. Bright acts. 


1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to feed anything with peanut butter to 
Kain. 

2. Telling new researchers that you can tame SCP-682 with a 

rolled up newspaper and a tummy rub is right out. 

3. No longer allowed to challenge Able to unwinnable games like 
tic-tac-toe. It was three weeks before Able conceded a draw. 

. SCP-018 is not to be taunted! 

. Giving 113 to Diogenes is just plain pointless. 

. Attempting to disprove 343, to 343, is a horrible idea. Agents 
are still studying the resulting paperweight, supposedly so 
heavy that 343 should not be able to lift it. 

7. While it is true that "No one expects the SCP Inquisition!" that 
is only because there is no such thing. 

. Dr. Bright is not king of anywhere. Or queen. 

. SCP-963 is not to be used for recreational or procreational 
purposes. 

10. Although it is entirely possible to use SCPs currently under 

control of the Foundation to create tentacle monsters, no. 


oun 


© © 


1. Not even if Dr. Palmer asks nicely. 
11. There is no market for SCP brand pornography. 


1. No, not even in Germany. 
2. It probably would generate a great deal of revenue if 
sold in Japan but still, 682 on —_, Jesus Christ man. 


12. Should not replace the buckshot in Dr. Clef's shotgun shells 
with any of the following: birdseed, confetti, cake sprinkles, 


13. 


14. 


15. 


16. 


17. 
18. 


19. 


20. 


21. 
Ze. 


sawdust, or sexual lubricant. 
Should not replace Dr. Rights' lamp with a "novelty" lamp 
shaped like a marital aid. 


1. Should not replace Dr. Rights marital aids with a 
‘novelty’ aid shaped like a lamp. 


The Better Business Bureau is not the correct agency for 
dealing with containment failures from horrible eldritch 
artifacts sold by Marshall, Carter, and Dark. 

Dr. Bright must never come in contact with anyone under the 
age of 18. Let him contact them. It's the only way they'll learn. 
Just because it is a learning experience, does not mean 
anyone needs to come in contact with Bright. 

Any requests by Dr. Bright to utilize SCP-21 2 for 
enhancement are to be denied, due to several requests being 
submitted with the research goal stated as "to stick my privets 
in it and hope for the best." 


1. This includes requests to use it for enhancement of 
other organs. | don't care how awesome you think it 
would be, Bright. You should not be allowed to have 
telekinesis. 


Victims of SCP-217 are not toys. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to bargain with personnel for their 
"souls" if they are unaware of SCP-158. 

Don't let Dr. Bright get a sample of SCP-379. Let my laptop be 
the last victim. 

Not allowed to go off my medication. 


1. Not allowed to pretend | have any medication to be on. 


May not use any form of the word ‘accident’ as an excuse. 
Violate the dress code, even on 'casual' Fridays. 


1. No matter how many times you say please, Dr. Bright, 
we won't put any of the hats you've been asking about 
into the dress code. 

2. Nor are you allowed to create and wear hats made 
using or out of various anomalous objects. We 


23. 


24. 


20. 


26: 


af. 


28. 


20. 


30. 
31. 


understand that your SCP-894 top hat collection has 
some tactical value, but that is not a valid reason to 
wear them in the presence of other researchers. 


If an SCP file says never to do something, it is not because 
we want to control your mind. Yes it is. 


1. No, it's not, and Dr. Bright may not edit this document. 


SCP-437 is not to be handed out as weaponry to 
unsuspecting new researchers. 

[DATA REDACTED ON O05 REQUEST]. Not even for 
recreational use. 

Not allowed to send Nigerian-esque spam email to the Church 
of the Broken God. 

Not allowed to lead a Mobile Task Force against the UIU 
under any circumstances. without inviting Dr. Clef at all. In 
fact, just stay 500 feet away from any Mobile Task Force at all 
times. 

Not allowed to end reports with lyrics from "The Fresh Prince 
of Bel-Air". 


1. But is allowed to end with lyrics from the Safety Dance. 
2. The interpretive dance routine, however, is forbidden 
until he gets lessons for the foreseeable future. 


Dr. Bright is not allowed anywhere near a Renaissance 
Festival. 


1. Especially not with D-class in garb. 


SCP-963 is not a joy buzzer. 

If a mind-controlling SCP is discovered, it is to be turned over 
to the proper authorities. It is not to be used to advance 
himself or others higher in the Foundation. Kondraki 


1. Taking said mind controlling SCP to a strip club or 
Vegas shall be right out. 

2. Dr. Bright is NOT: A superhero of any sort, Head of 
Public Relations, in charge of Orientation for new staff, 
a doctor of psychology, a member of Site Command, 


32. 


33. 


34. 


35. 


36. 


37. 


38. 


39. 


made out of bacon, in possession of a IQ over 300, 
Head of SCP Review, or a member of Maintenance 
Staff. (Sorry boys, Dr. Bright IS a member of Site 
Command. It's usually best not to ask why. It's O5 
Command you're thinking of.) 


There is no Ethics Committee. 


1. And even if there was, does anyone believe Dr. Bright 
would be on it? 
2. As anything other than a 'What not to do?’ 


No longer allowed to make up jodies for morning calisthenics. 
1. Yes, this includes The Mickey Mouse Club song. 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to apply SCP-963 to any major 
political figures. Again. 
Dr. Bright is not from an alternate timeline. 


1. Dr. Bright cannot issue orders to "preserve the timeline". 
2. Or to "corrupt the timeline”. 
3. Or to "screw with those history nerds". 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge anyone to a duel, and 
then give them SCP-572. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed near SCP-5555-J in any way or any 
excuse. Remember what the miniature version did to Dr. 

L « 

Dr. Clef and Dr. Bright are not allowed to interact without the 
presence of a responsible administrator. 


1. Dr. Kondraki does not count as a responsible 
administrator. 

2. Nor does Agent Strelnikov. 

3. Or Dr. Mann. 

4. In fact, let's just keep the two of them apart, period. 


Chainsaws are not the solution to every question. 


1. Nor is 'More Chainsaws’. 
2. Or "Chainsaw cannons" 


40. 


41. 


42 


44. 


45. 


1. Except for that one time. And yes, it was 
awesome. 


SCP speed dating never happened. Any one who claims to 
remember such an event should report to Site Command for 
administration of Class A amnesiac. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to use any SCP to alter or affect the 
outcomes of any reality based television shows, including but 
not limited to Survivor, Big Brother, Hell's Kitchen, American 
Idol, or any dating show on VH1. 


1. Not even if Dr. Rights asks nicely. 


. [REDACTED], [REDACTED] hard. 
43. 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer spankings to Dr. Rights 
as punishment, as it only causes more rules to be broken. 


1. No, it doesn't matter that they are both "consenting 
adults", no matter how much either of them argue 
otherwise. 

2. Dr. Rights is not allowed to spank the monkey. 

3. Nor is she allowed to shock the monkey. 

4. Or anything else related to the monkey. 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP- to make ‘kick me' 
signs. 

SCP-082 is not to be given song requests, especially not "Like 
A Virgin". 


. "Accidentally" spilling green gelatin on a dead body in the 


presence of the O5 was funny exactly once, and the smell of 
excrement exuding from O5-2's khakis spoiled the moment. 


. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to utter the phrase "More than 


1,000 babies" in the presence of any SCP personnel. 


. Nothing in the Foundation is rated 'Over 9000." 
. Stop posting classified information on 4-chan. 
. No using SCP-705 for personal gain. 


1. Or to plant monitoring equipment. 
2. And absolutely no giving them tons of extra Play-Doh 
‘just to see what they can make.' That Mecha was 


51. 
52. 
53. 


54. 


55: 


56. 


57. 


58. 


od. 


60. 


damned annoying! 


If it involves doing something wrong, it isn't right. 
If it involves something right, you did it wrong. 
If Dr. Bright has to ask, it's above his clearance level. 


1. If it's above Bright's security clearance... run. 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to declare war on any country, thing 
or person. 

A stripper a day keeps the doctor away. Dr. Bright is not 
allowed to contribute to this list. Besides, % of Foundation 
staff have their Ph.D. It'd take more than one stripper to keep 
them away. 


1. That is not a challenge! 


Foundation credit cards or expense accounts are not to be 
used to purchase pornography. 


1. Not even anomalous pornography. 


Dr. Bright is not a "marital aid" and cannot refer to himself as 
such. Especially on official documents. 
Dr. Bright is not the Lord of Rodly Might. 


1. And is hereby banned from playing Dungeons and 
Dragons making use of SCPs to ‘simulate the real 
danger.’ 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to go to fan conventions. 


1. Let alone use them as recruitment drives. 
2. Especially not at Furry Conventions. 


When writing a report, more detail is expected than "Object 
class: Keter. Special Containment Procedures: [DATA 
EXPUNGED]. Description: [DATA EXPUNGED]." 


1. And inventing new security clearances just so nobody 
can see what you've written is also considered poor 
form. 


61. 


62. 


67. 


68. 


69. 


70. 


71. 


Showing Monty Python episodes to SCP-239 was not a wise 
decision. Please never try this with any other reality warping 
SCP. 

"For the Emperor" is not an acceptable justification for any 
decision. 


. "My evil twin did it" is no longer considered a viable excuse. 


1. Nor is "My good twin did it," considering the 
implications. 


. Yes, forum trolls are annoying. No, they don't automatically 


become D-class personnel. 


. Not allowed to lace 'orgasm muffins’ with Ex-lax. Again. 
. Dr. Bright is not allowed to send e-mails with memetic hazards 


attached. 
1. Not even when replying to spam. 


The "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" is not grounds 
to pit more than fifteen combative SCPs, including SCP-682 
and Able, against each other. 


1. "Weeding out some of these angsty teens with attitude 
problems," however, is. 

2. Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer 'Free Hugs’, nor 
an act called ‘Surprise " 


Not allowed to kick SCP-2558-J. 


1. Not allowed to play dodgeball with SCP-2558-J Not 
allowed to play any type of ball game with SCP-2558-J. 


Any proposal which includes the phrase 'Metric Fuck Load' is 
straight out denied. 

Instances of SCP-2558-J-Ex are not to be spooked when 
being held by members of O5. No instances of SCP-2558-J 
should be anywhere near an O5, let alone SCP-2558-J-Ex. 
The Foundation motto is "Secure, Contain, Protect", not any of 
the following: 


1. "Stab Carrion Powerfully"” 


. "Suck Cock and Penis" 

. "Let's use it on 682!" 

"Throw the cheese!" 

"That's it, you're on Keter Duty.” 

"Can we put it in 914?"