Date: -- 
A skeleton without any arms walks into the bar. The 
bartender says "Is this a joke? Because | don't find it 
humerus." 


Date: -- 

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a 
waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and 
orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, 
"Going to a party?" 

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm 
supposed to come dressed as my love life." 

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender. 
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago." 


Date: -- 

A zombie limps into the bar. A panicked patron attacks 
him with a machete and cuts off his left arm and left leg, 
then flees. The bartender rushes to the zombie and asks, 


"Are you ok sir?" 

The zombie replies, "Don't worry, I'm all right." 

Notes: / feel as if I've been left out of the joke. -Agent 
Notes: This encounter would have gone a lot differently 
had the zombie been armed. -Agent 


Date: -- 

A man enters the bar and orders a Bloody Mary 

The resulting Specter was contained after 5 Foundation 
and 2 Civilian casualties. 


Date: -- 

A neutron walks into the bar and asks, "How much for a 
drink?" 

The bartender replies, "For you? No charge." 

Notes: /'m not positive that | get the joke. -Agent 


Date: -- 

SCP-073 walks into the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, 
you can get a free drink if you can land this ball in the 
cup across the room." 

SCP-073 replies, "I'm sorry sir, but | don't think I'm Able." 
Notes: /nvestigation into how SCP-073 breached 
containment is still ongoing. 


Addendum 333-J-01: Under no circumstances may SCP-504 be 
taken within 10 km of SCP-333-J. -O5- 


SCP-2615-J: Clap Your Hands 


Item #: SCP-2615-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: All SCP-2615-J instances are 
to be contained in Standard Micro-Humanoid containment cells, 
which are then to be stored at Site-17. SCP-2615-J instances are to 
be fed thrice daily. 


Description: SCP-2615-J is a species of sapient humanoids which 
measure fifteen centimeters tall on average. All SCP-2615-J 
instances possess wings of varying appearance, though the wings 
universally match the appearance of the wings of various species of 
Lepidoptera. SCP-2615-J instances can use these wings to achieve 
airborne locomotion. SCP-2615-J instances are luminescent, though 
the light produced generates no heat and has no clear biological or 
chemical basis. 


SCP-2615-J instances are capable of limited reality warping, with 
most of their effects only affecting natural phenomena. Phenomena 
effected by SCP-2615-J include weather patterns, atmospheric 
temperature and pressure, animal behavior, and plant growth. 


Addendum: Interview with SCP-2615-J instance #28. 
Interviewed: SCP-2615-J #28 
Interviewer: Dr. Tamlin 
<Begin Log> 


Dr. Tamlin: #28, you are aware that several aspects of 
your physiology are not scientifically possible, correct? 
Would you care to explain how they work? 


SCP-2615-J #28: Ah, | get it. You're gonna try the old "I 


partially entombed in the sphere. Efforts to free him proved fruitless, 
and because the field strength of SCP-555 would increase by a 
massive amount if the Class D died in proximity to the SCP 
(sufficient to envelop the entire facility, including the morgue), the 
Foundation was forced to undertake heroic measures to keep him 
alive. Clotting agents and mechanical ventilation were administered; 
no opiate painkillers or anesthetics were administered due to the 
chance of causing the death of the Class D; ibuprofen, aspirin, and 
acetaminophen were administered after confirming the Class D's 
lack of allergies to these, to marginal effect. Muscle paralytic was 
injected intramuscularly in small doses and restraints were installed 
after 35 hours, when the Class D attempted to commit suicide by 
slamming his head against the surrounding material, and by 
attempting to strangle himself. 


The SCP was moved into a nearby testing chamber, with measures 
taken to remove any corpse within its affected radius. At this point, a 
tracheotomy was performed on the Class D, as his screaming was 
determined to be affecting measurements, and a gag would pose 
danger of him choking. X-ray tomography indicated that the density 
of the material adhering to the SCP increased in density with 
proximity, approaching the density of iron within three inches of the 
surface of the SCP. The material closest to the SCP was determined 
to be extremely hot; it would be significantly past its boiling point had 
the material not been under pressure. Predicted response curves 
showed that should any significant amount of dead matter be added, 
the field would extend to the site's morgue. Researchers in proximity 
to the SCP noted symptoms in themselves commensurate with 
having a constant mechanical force pulling on their epidermes, and 
were rotated every three hours to prevent burn-like symptoms. In 
addition, a small but measurable force on living subjects was 
detected; experiments showed that the force increased linearly as 
small amounts of dead material were added. A decision was made 
to remove the dead material as soon as possible. 


Eventually, it was determined that exposure of the matter to a 
significantly caustic substance (sufficient to render the material into 
component simple compounds) would cause it to cease to be 
attracted by the SCP's field, with a commensurate decrease in field 
strength and density. Researchers then experimented with small 


don't believe in fairies" trick to try and get rid of us. It's 
not gonna work, you know, we moved away from 
existentialism a while back. 


Dr. Tamlin: I'm not sure that you understood the 
question. For example, you weigh, what? 35 grams? 
Your wings shouldn't be able to support you in flight. 


SCP-2615-J #28: It's magic. 


Dr. Tamlin: The glow is another thing. There's no 
biological or chemical reason that you should be glowing. 


SCP-2615-J #28: Again, magic. 
Dr. Tamlin: But what about- 


SCP-2615-J #28: MAGIC! IT'S ALL FREAKIN' MAGIC 
YOU IDIOT! WHY CAN'T YOU GET THAT THROUGH 
YOUR THICK SKULL?! [At this point, SCP-2615-J #28's 
speech degrades into a set of growls, grunts, screams, 
expletives, and yet to be translated language. ] 


Dr. Tamlin: | think we're done here. 
<End Log> 
Note: 


Hi, sorry about that. Odds are that you're new to the 
Foundation and got linked to this page as a joke. I'll go 
ahead and tell you now that anything and everything with 
a"-g" in the name is just an in-joke that someone made 
up (they tend to help boost morale). | normally wouldn't 
put this here, but | just got asked for the fifth time in a 
week what the "larger implications of SCP-2615-J's 
comments" are. There are no "larger implications". -Js 
aren't real. Move along and go read SCP-779 or 
something. - Researcher Walker 


P.S. | apologize if the humor wasn't readily apparent. It 
was originally created to get a laugh out of people who 


were there for the Site-17 picnic of '96. The only reason | 
can think of that we still have it is because some of the 
guys like getting a rise out of the newbies. 


Antimemetic inoculation confirmed, please proceed. 


SCP-1417-J: Passive-Aggressive Meteorite 


Item #: SCP-1417-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: As it cannot be moved, a 
titanium containment chamber 10m x 10m x 10m has been erected 
around SCP-1417-J, with SCP-1417-J itself in the center. 
SCP-1417-J's containment chamber is to be painted solid white and 
decorated with prop scientific and medical equipment. At no point 
should any equipment installed within the containment chamber be 
used for actual examination of SCP-1417-J. Current authorized 
decorations include: 


« Two high voltage traveling arcs ("Jacob's ladders"), to be kept 
online at all times. 

A late 1950s transistor computer covering one wall, with 
visible reel-to-reel tape drives and three large panels of 
flashing diagnostic lights ("blinkenlights"). 

One telescope of at least 100 cm circumference, with a 
retracting roof section. 

Six conical glass flasks ("Erlenmeyer flasks") filled with 
brightly colored liquids and illuminated from behind the 
perspective of SCP-1417-J. At least three of the flasks are to 
be kept boiling above Bunsen burner flames at all times. 

One centrifuge holding test tubes filled with brightly colored 
liquids. 

¢ Two oscilloscopes, one of which has been modified to play the 
game "Tennis for Two". 

Three large wall-mounted switches with signage in English 
and German reading "DO NOT PULL". 

* One Van de Graaff generator and one plasma globe standing 
side by side. 

Three lava lamps. 

« Three microscopes. 


* One paper stock ticker providing the current readout of the 
New York Stock Exchange. 

* One electric heart monitor connected to SCP-1417-J at all 
times and producing falsified readouts representative of a 
healthy adult human male. 

* One falsified SCP containment file for SCP-1417-J, identifying 
it as a Keter-class artifact capable of producing an XK-class 
event if not neutralized as soon as possible. 


SCP-1417-J's containment chamber is to be staffed at all times by 
no less than three Level 1 personnel with prior experience in live 
theatre or public performance, and who have attended and passed 
Foundation Training Seminar 43021.102 ("Improvisational Acting 
and SCP Containment"), 52033.206 ("Advanced Technobabble"), 
and 83902.101 ("SCIENCE!"). Containment personnel are to be 
dressed in white laboratory coats and wear eyeglasses at all times, 
and are to carry a notepad, six pens or pencils and two test tubes in 
a breast pocket, a slide rule, and a pair of opaque goggles. 
Containment personnel are not to make any actual attempts at 
experimentation on or scientific observation of SCP-1417-J, and are 
to engage in "experimentation" involving the provided prop 
equipment while pretending to take notes and speaking to each 
other in "technobabble" with no intended actual meaning. Actual 
observation and monitoring of SCP-1417-J is to be conducted 
indirectly by hidden camera and microphone; in the event that 
physical interaction with SCP-1417-J is required for testing 
purposes, personnel conducting the examination are to be dressed 
and behave in a similar manner to containment personnel. 


In the event that SCP-1417-J ceases to respond to standard 
containment, Emergency Procedure 1634-Broadway is to be 
conducted as soon as possible until such time as SCP-1417-J 
becomes inactive. Emergency Procedure 1634-Broadway is to be 
rewritten after each such implementation and containment personnel 
are to rehearse the current procedure for at least two hours each 
day while not engaged in containment. Class-B or Class-E 
amnestics are to be distributed to the civilian population of as 
necessary in the event of high-visibility containment breaches. 


Description: SCP-1417-J is an irregularly shaped meteorite 


approximately 1.2 kg in mass, composed primarily of silicates and 
igneous stone, which entered the Earth's atmosphere on / /20 
and impacted the Earth's surface in a desert area approximately 
6.3kmeastof _ , lraq. SCP-1417-J's surface has been no less 
than degrees Centigrade in temperature at all times since its 
discovery; all attempts at relocating SCP-1417-J from its impact site 
have resulted in its temperature increasing rapidly and producing 
physical pain or destruction of equipment being used to attempt to 
move it. Physical analysis suggests that SCP-1417-J came into 
being during the initial formation of the Solar system approximately 
4.3 billion years ago, and that it had been in an irregular orbit of the 
Earth for an unknown period of time prior to its impact. 


SCP-1417-J is believed to be sentient and to possess telekinetic 

abilities. No means of direct communication with SCP-1417-J has 

been established; observation suggests that SCP-1417-J is able to 

see and hear events occurring within its immediate vicinity, that it is 

sensitive to radio waves, and that it is able to induce telekinetic 

effects within a 20 km radius of itself (an area including all of central 
and several outlying suburbs and agricultural areas). 


SCP-1417-uJ's telekinetic abilities become active whenever it is not 
undergoing what it considers to be active "scientific observation", 
which it appears to define as being directly observed by a group of 
human beings who are experimenting on it with electrical or 
chemical apparati and taking written notes regarding it. Early 
attempts at containing SCP-1417-J with legitimate scientific 
research became ineffective after approximately two weeks, 
whereafter increasingly dramatized and pseudoscientific "Hollywood 
science" setpieces were performed by containment personnel with 
success, leading eventually to the establishment of current 
containment protocols. Current speculation by Foundation 
xenopsychological specialists suggests that SCP-1417-J finds actual 
scientific research "uninteresting" or "unrealistic", and that stylized 
performances with no actual scientific merit are more "entertaining" 
to it or appealing to its ego. 


In the event that direct observation as described above ceases or 
the quality of performance fails to "impress" SCP-1417-d, it will 
begin to employ its telekinetic abilities against site personnel and/or 


civilians in the neighboring areas. Manifestations of SCP-1417-J's 
telekinetic ability have been noted to extend solely to mischievous 
deeds of a light-hearted nature ("pranks" or "practical jokes" in 
common use), beginning at a rate of approximately one per minute 
and increasing in frequency and severity until containment 
performance resumes, with a high of 700 instances per hour noted 
during Containment Breach 1417-J-36. "Pranks" performed by 
SCP-1417-J rarely result in direct lasting harm to the target; in 
advanced containment breaches, however, pranks have become 
increasingly malicious in nature and have been noted to result 
indirectly in serious injury or fatality. Pranks performed by 
SCP-1417-J have been documented as including; 


* Tying together of personnel's shoelaces 

¢ Manifestation of partially inflated balloons under seat 
cushions, intended to gradually deflate with a loud report 
when sat upon 

¢ Unscrewing of shaker lids on condiment jars 

Manifestation of burning paper bags containing animal 

excrement at the front door of a domicile 

¢ Replacement of freshly ground coffee beans with instant 
coffee crystals 

¢ Placement of phone calls to police agencies reporting false 
crime tips, including reports of "streakers" outside the - 
mosque, that Prime Minister - had become stuck ina 
public toilet, or that author Salman Rushdie had been spotted 
ordering a BLT sandwich at a local cafe 

* Replacement of the active ingredient in non-prescription 

painkiller tablets with prescription painkillers, laxatives, or 

nitroglycerine 

Manifestation of dead houseflies (Musca domestica) within ice 

cubes contained in a person's beverage 

¢ Replacement of live rounds in a US serviceman's rifle with 
blank cartridges, tracer rounds, or bullet-shaped pieces of 
caramel candy 

* Spontaneous appearance of large amounts of pornography, of 

a legal or illegal nature, upon staff computers 

Manifestation of paper notes upon persons' backs reading 

"Kick me", "Pinch me", or "Death to Muhammed and all the 

dogs that follow him" in English and Arabic 


+ Show Containment Breach 1417-J-36 - 
Emergency Procedure 1634-Broadway Transcript