Dr. Sterrestof, the resident xenobiologist, then spoke. "I've only seen 
alien doublehorses ... they're extremely sweet yet notoriously 
unreliable. And they come in all shades of pinkish purple." 


The room was silent. She went on, her greener eye looking around 
independently. 


"Oh, and contrary to the Earth doublehorses, they're always into 
french kissing." 


There was still silence. 
"With each other, | might add." 


Dr. Adelie cleared his throat again. He seemed to be coming down 
with something. Dr. Kelly patted him on the back. 


"If you double a horse's Pokédex number, which is 472," Dr. Nate 
Tarrant, the mathematician, remarked as he discreetly typed into a 
calculator, "you get UNDEFINED, which is made up of a bunch of 
cough SFX and mountain sprites. Soeed-runners use it to bypass 
time-consuming areas like [BIRTH] and [DIRECTIONLESS 
LONGING]." 


Suddenly, Dr. Jacobs struck the table with a fist, remembering 
something he had forgotten. He turned the projector back on. The 
lights darkened and he called up a final slide. On the screen, an 
ancient Greek philosopher was sketching a strange, indistinct animal 
amidst geometric formulae. 


"This is Euclid logically deriving a doublehorse from a simple, made- 
at-home axiom that anyone can use!" Everyone oohed and ahhed in 
acknowledgement. There were a few more slides of Euclid's tablet 
at increasing magnification; Dr. Jacobs advanced past them until the 
slideshow was over. 


The lights came back on. Inexplicably, Dr. Tarrant stayed dark, as 
well as a shadowy copy of him lurking in the corner of the room. 


"BOTH DARK NATES HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT 
DOUBLEHORSE," Dr. Jacobs screeched. The shadowy figure 
flickered out. Dr. Tarrant stayed dark. 


Downvoted 


This was more than he'd signed up for. The New Agent Manual - 
SCP Object Classification Standard listed Keter as the most 
dangerous type of object. They eat, kill, and drive people crazy. If 
left unchecked long enough, they could destroy the world. T.D was 
supposed to go decommission a keter today. First, though, he 
answered his supervisor's insane question. 


"Uh, according to the documents SCP-3542 is a memetic reality- 
bending hostile object. Possibly Abrahamic. It says here that it 
‘disappeared’ two dozen D-Class death squads and three fully 
armored decommission machine squads." 


The supervisor remained impassive. "That's correct. The Squads 
were, ironically, about to be decommissioned anyway so it saved us 
some processing costs." 


T.D. fumbled with the security ID hanging by his side. It gave hima 
level 1 security clearance. He'd been recruited as a specialist. He'd 
been training for a year. He had life insurance, year-end reward 
goals, and retirement benefits. This sort of thing happened to D- 
Class didn't it? Why were they doing this to him? 


"So, |am going to deal with this on my own. With a shotgun." 


"Yes. Standard issue for this kind of work. If you're worried you can 
requisition heavier equipment. | wouldn't though; any damage 
comes out of your paycheck." 


T.D. didn't respond. 


The supervisor smiled for a moment. "Look. This is your first 
assignment, and you need to trust that we know what we're doing. 
It's fine to be little worried. That shows you're ready for this. When | 
did my first decommission | had to kill a fucking sea monster. But 
you'll figure out pretty quickly that the classification is less important 


than the rating. Yes. This is a Keter object. Be careful. But it's also 
got a negative rating." 


T.D. nodded along as his supervisor continued. 


"Look." The supervisor pulled a thick book from the top drawer of his 
desk and tossed it to T.D. "Open that to page 88, start on the 2nd 
paragraph." 


New Agent Manual - SCP Object 
Rating Standard 


To analyze if information relating to SCP Objects attracts 
roughly consistent positive evaluation from observers, 
the Foundation has established the "Ratings System" for 
all anomalous objects incorporated into our mainlist. As 
mentioned in the New Personnel Guide, the existence of 
the anomalous has a direct relationship with a high 
evaluation from the Foundation itself. Essentially, how 
positively the Foundation views an object has a directly 
determinative effect on the object's permanence. 


This connection is not currently fully understood, but has 
shown its veracity in all cases. No exceptions to this rule 
have been detected. For this reason the Foundation 
holds a significant advantage over other GOls. We exist 
as the inherent judges of the anomalous. If other groups 
or persons wish to utilize anomalous creations or 
discoveries, those objects must either remain outside of 
the Foundation's knowledge (and therefore have little 
effect on the world at large) or be subject to this 
evaluation effect. 


As a result, an SCP Object's rating is an integral part of 
an object's containment. Ensuring higher ratings will 
ensure the continued existence of and (generally) 
containment of an object. For an object which is highly 
dangerous and/or difficult to contain, a lower rating is a 
safe and effective method of neutralization. 


The Foundation Ratings Committee is in charge of this 
evaluation task. Current rating procedures ensure that 
contained SCP Objects are not interfered with by any 
organization or individuals. While evaluation can 
theoretically be carried out by any group of 10 or more 
foundation staff, the ratings committee are the only 
personnel allowed to assign evaluations to an object. 


After an object's anomalous nature and danger level is 
determined, the Foundation Ratings Committee will 
begin their evaluation of an object. In principle, the 
committee will evaluate the object's value to the 
Foundation. All objects receiving a negative rating from 
the Ratings Committee may be ignored or eliminated 
dependent on the level of danger they represent. All 
Keter level objects are to be neutralized within 48 hours. 


The Foundation Ratings Committee standards are as 
follows: 


Negative — More members of the committee than not 
have given this object an unfavorable evaluation. 
Positive — More members of the committee than not 
have given this object a favorable evaluation. 

Highly Positive — More than two thirds of the 
committee members have given this object a positive 
evaluation. Note: Outside of procedures already carried 
out prior to evaluation, these objects do not appear to be 
susceptible to neutralization. 

Heritage — Special rating. All objects in this ratings 
class are added to the heritage list. These objects 
will not and cannot be neutralized. 


All Foundation personnel who wish to join the Ratings 
Committee must possess a level 3 security rating and at 
least 5 years of service to the foundation. Ratings 
Committee members are required to adhere to a strict 
set of rules that will be outlined upon your application. If 
you're interested in joining the Ratings Committee please 
inquire with your supervisor or with the committee 
directly. 


T.D. handed the book back to his supervisor without a word. T.D. 
had already read this a dozen times. It didn't make him feel any 
better. 


His supervisor leaned back in his chair. "| remember my first 
mission. A green octopus a few thousand meters long was casting 
some sort of ‘dark magic’ on the Three Gorges Dam. It could talk but 
all | remember it saying was ‘fuckton, fuckton!’ over and over." 


T.D. cocked his head to the side. "Wait that sounds like-" 


T.D's supervisor nodded. "One and the same. The Ratings 
Committee call those 'Pop Culture Resemblance’ and it's basically a 
death sentence for the object. Sometimes they can last, if they've 
got a good tie in to a particular culture or ancient myths. We've even 
had basic pop culture ripoffs that lasted because they had a 
touching backstory. Lucky for me, this one was about as bland as it 
gets. One 9mm round to the head and it was all over. | read a report 
once about a man-eating giant that one agent took out with a single 
kick to the groin." 


The expression on T.D.'s face was one of disbelief. 

"You're still pretty new though so, uh, use the shotgun we gave you. 
This is cleanup work, | promise. It only looks scary." 

T.D. came trudging back into his supervisors office with his eyes 
wide. 

"Hey." The supervisor began. "You use the gun?" 

"No." T.D. slumped down in the chair opposite the older man. 
"Figured as much. What happened?" 


"It was an angel. |... | think. Twenty wings, six arms, three faces. It 
was screaming like you wouldn't believe but | couldn't make out a 
word. The thing had these blue swords that looked impossibly sharp. 
When it saw me these weird golden things came up out of the 
ground and started to fly around me. | thought it was over." 


"Yeah?" 


"It turned and screamed at me. This white hot fire flew out of its 
mouth and in my direction. My instinct said I'd have one shot at this. 
| threw the gun down and ran straight at it." 


"And then?" 


"| punched it in the face. The whole thing shattered into a million 
pieces that disintegrated into nothing before they even hit the 
ground." 


T.D.'s supervisor nodded. "So we'll call that your first successful 
decommission." His supervisor stood up from his chair and grabbed 
his coat. "Come on. Let's go celebrate." 


"Are we gods?" T.D. moved the food on his plate around into various 
shapes. 


"Sure." The supervisor nodded his head. "And we're the good guys. 
We still don't know why it's like this, but it doesn't really matter as 
long as we stay in charge." 


"But the world could end based on how much we like an object? And 
every other group and person just has to live with that?" 


"Basically. | mean most shitty objects are just dangerous. Violence 
is all they really have going for them. If they're actually interesting 
then you gotta be careful." 


"What's the standard?" 


"If you prefer to pretend there is a standard it's 'you think this is 
great’. But it's not a fully qualitative judgement. There are intangibles 
to consider. The Ratings Committee only exists so we can record 
these judgements, not so we can create our own standards. If there 
were basic standards 682 would fail them all. But it's still there and 
unkillable." 


The supervisor sipped on a cup of tea before continuing. "And 
sometimes an object is incredibly useful to us somehow and we'd 


like to keep it. Think about the perpetual motion machine, the spring 
of rejuvenation, and the Panacea. Their value to us is self-evident, 
yet some of my strictest colleagues hate them anyway." 


T.D. nodded along. "That's why the Panacea is on the heritage list?" 


"It's a bit more complicated than that," the supervisor responded, 
“put that's the short version, yeah." 


"What's the long version?" 


"We can't force people to like an object. But if you add a good story 
or two as an addendum, well, suddenly the object has a better 
chance of surviving. Like, take SCP-500. Like you said it's useful 
and on the heritage list. When it was first being evaluated it wasn't 
exactly winning people's hearts. At the same time Agent A.A and Iris 
had just dealt with two Keters and were both pretty miserable. 


"The O5's had a big ceremony. Gave them the 'Star of the 
Foundation’ and plenty of public praise. Then the two 'heroes' came 
in and took two pills for themselves. It started an investigation and 
got the Ethics Committee and 05 council involved in a shouting 
match. It was all very dramatic. Most importantly it was all very 
exciting. That was enough to get SCP-500 on the heritage list." 


"So are they heroes or just pawns?" 
"Both." 


The supervisor paused as his cellphone dinged. The man looked at 
the phone for a few moments and dismissed the text message. 
"Back to work. There's an X-Man with fire, ice, and mind control 
powers hypnotizing girls and making them attack other civilians at a 
nearby college." 


"Again? | just got back." 


"When | had your job | personally dealt with like four Mary Sues a 
day, and | did it bare-handed. Finish your waffles and get back to 
work. It's up to you if you wanna bring the shotgun." 


Dr. Bridge Over Troubled Water 


Nota Bene: This was writted for an April Foll's Day contest, and 
misspellings were part of the jugging criteria. 


Dr. Bridge was board at his desk. He was known all over the 
Fondation for his epic feet with the Pokemon, but after that, reality 
felt so boring. So he desided to get 826 again and do sumthing cool 
again, expect with a book this time. He worried about how the SCP 
was ment for books and mite be unstable if he used it on another 
video game. So Dr. Bridge sneaked past the guards at the entrance 
to SCP-826's containmet sell. Ever sense the incident, they locked 
up the book kens in a sell, reclassing them as Eulicked. Safe 
classication was only for items that were predicktable, and the 
Fondation didn't predict that it could do video games. 


So Dr. Bridge went and got a book from his liberry. It was his favrite, 
cause it was about a boat salling on the ocean and his name was 
Bridge so he felt a special kinship with it because bridges go over 
water and the ocean is water. The water in this book was especially 
impotent because the book was Moby Duck and it had an evil wail in 
it! Bridge vowed to fight the evil wail and become epic again, cause 
people semened to forget about him now that it had ben so long 
sense the Pokemon thing. 


So he sneaked past all the guards who were really intimate with 
there guns and Keller vests, but he wasn't afraid because he was 
Dr. Bridge. He put Mob Dick in the kens and waited. Then suddenly, 
he was on a boat and all the people gatted around him. "Who the 
hell are ye and wherefore are ye in my boat, ye scurvy stowaway?" 
demanded a voice that Bridge knew was Caption Ahab. 


He quickly thought of an excuse for his anchor nistic clothes and 

randomly appeering on the Peequad. "I'm a follow wailer and | want 
to kill Moby Dick too!" he shouted. "Mody Dick bit my brother's head 
off and now he has a head made out of wail bone like your peg leg!" 


11@21:23 


12@00:00 


objects resembling machine tools, 
and various other objects of 
indeterminate function. 
Specimens appear to be engaged 
in the construction of lens- 
grinding and chemical refining 
equipment. The blanket, upon 
analysis, contained concealed 
wiring and small batteries. 
Foundation personnel are 
investigating how batteries of that 
size could generate the observed 
voltage. 

Lighting fails in observation 
chamber. Subsequent analysis 
shows that the lighting failed due 
to an electrical short generated 
from within the chamber. 
Observation is prevented for 
approximately 18 minutes. 
Number of specimens within 
chamber appears to have 
stabilized at approximately 
800,000. Upon restoration of 
lighting, much of the colony is 
obscured from view by an igloo- 
shaped ceramic shell. Thermal 
analysis indicates that the colony 
has constructed a number of 
internal combustion engines 
running on unknown fuel. 
Analysis of objects within 
chamber indicates that several 
objects within the chamber, of 
indeterminate function, are 
composed of alloys containing 
copper, zinc, tin, nickel and lead, 
which are not present in the 
chamber's walls but which may 
be found in electrical wiring and 


Caption Ahab snarled at the reminder of Moby Dick's terrible deads. 
"Then ye be one of me crew, me hardy!" he said. His first mate 
Starbucks, who invented coffee, quickly went to the crom's nest. 
"Caption! Thar she blows!"