Notes: Next time something like this happens I'm 
intervening. Agent 
Notes: Go for it. Better they piss on you than me. -Agent 


Date: - - 


A monkey, a vampire, and a dozen soldiers walk into a 
bar. The monkey says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" 


Notes: / don‘ get it. -Agent 

Notes: Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to request the use 
of SCP-076-2 or Mobile Task Force Omega-7 for testing 
test SCP-333-J under any circumstances. Furthermore, 
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to refer to SCP-076-2 as a 
"vampire" in his reports. 


Date: - - 


A man walks into the bar and pulls from his jacket a tiny 
man and an equally tiny piano. The tiny man plays the 
piano perfectly, to the amusement of the crowd. The 
bartender asks the man how he got him. 


The man shows the bartender a magic lamp and offers 
to sell it for one hundred dollars to which the bartender 
agrees. A genie appears from the lamp and offers one 
wish. The bartender asks for "a million bucks". 


Moments later, the entire bar is filled with an insane 
number of ducks. After the bar is evacuated, the 
bartender tells the man, "Dammit, | asked for a million 
bucks! Not ducks! Bucks!" 


The man says, "Tell me about it. Do you really think | 
asked for a twelve inch pianist?" 


Notes: Damn right. What am | supposed to do with this 
room full of gorgeous snowmen? -Agent 


Notes: The location of both lamp and genie after 
destruction of the megaflock could not be determined. 
Provisional designation SCP- has been made, pending 
retrieval. 


Date: - - 


A priest, a rabbi, and a humpback whale walk into the 
bar. After a few minutes, they've got the bartender's 
attention and are ready to get their drinks. The bartender 
asks them, "What'll you have?" 


The priest says, "Well, I've accepted Jesus Christ as my 
lord and savior, so I'll have some sacramental wine." 


The bartender serves him his drink and then looks to the 
rabbi and asks him what he'll have. 


"Well," the rabbi orders, "| believe that our messiah has 
not yet comes, so I'd like a glass of your finest 
manischewitz." 


The bartender nods and then, finally, looks at the 
humpback whale. "And what about you, big guy?" he 
asks with a friendly smile. 


And the whale says, 
"OoO00o000000000000000000000~!" 


Notes: So | served him Seagram's. -Agent 
Notes: /n retrospect, we should have noticed something 
was up as soon as a whale walked into the bar. Agent 


Date: - - 
Man walks into the bar. 


Notes: Medic team arrives approximately after 
incident. Male treated for concussion. 


Notes: Why was that bar hanging at head height? - 
Agent 
Notes: We've sure lowered the bar around here. -Agent 


Notes: He'll never pass the bar that way. -Agent 
Notes: Barring that, this was a pretty good joke. -Agent 


Notes: All agents involved in this incident KIA due to 
[REDACTED]. See Addendum 333-J-01 for further 
information. 


Date: - - 


A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse in the corner, 
with a glass jar stuffed with twenty dollar bills. The guy 
orders a drink and asks the bartender what the deal is 
with the horse. The bartender says, "Simple, you put a 
twenty in the jar, and if you can make the horse laugh, 
the jar is yours." The guy thinks about it a few minutes, 
puts a twenty in the jar, and whispers something in the 
horse's ear. The horse immediately busts out laughing, 
and the guy takes the jar, finishes his drink, and leaves. 


A few weeks later the guy goes back to the same bar, 
where the same horse is in the corner with a new jar of 
twenties. The guy orders a drink and asks about the 
horse, and the bartender says, "Put a twenty in, and this 
time, you get the jar if you can make the horse cry." The 
guys thinks a while, and after a couple drinks, puts a 
twenty in the jar and whispers something in the horse's 
ear. The horse gives the guy a funny look, and a moment 
later starts bawling. 


The guy takes the jar back with him to the bar, and the 
bartender says, "Man, | have never seen anyone make 


that horse laugh or cry. What in the world did you say to 
it?" 


The guys says, "To make the horse laugh, | told him my 
dick was bigger than his. To make him cry, | proved it." 


Notes: According to the bartender, the guy said his 
name was Willie Johnson. -Agent 
Notes: What an enormous prick. -Agent 


Date: - - 


A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and 
orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched 
voice. 


"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says. 


He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly 
shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and 
hears the voice again. 


“Hey mister! Sweet shoes!” 


Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender 
who is busy attending to other customers. Shaking his 
head, he sips once more. 


“Hey mister! Cool shirt!” 


He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, 
and signals to the bartender, who comes over. 


“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched 
voice | keep hearing?” 


“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re 
complimentary.” 


Notes: Unfortunately, he still had to pay for them. -Agent 


Date: - - 


A woman walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a 
double entendre. So he gives her one. 


Incident Log 555-1 


SCP involved: SCP-555, SCP- 

Personnel involved: [DATA EXPUNGED], Dr. 
Date: , 19 

Location: 

Description: 


On , 19 , acontainment breach of SCP- caused a security 
guard to shelter in place in the room containing SCP-555's 
containment locker, along with two Class-D personnel and Dr. 


One Class-D attempted to wrest the guard's firearm from its holster, 
while the other attempted to strike Dr. . The guard shot the first 
Class-D, and the corpse adhered to the outside of the cabinet. The 
guard then shot the Class-D attacking Dr. , and his corpse 
collided with the guard, causing his firearm to discharge. The shot 
ricocheted off the wall and struck Dr. in the head, killing him. 
The security guard was subsequently crushed by Dr. 's corpse 
against the locker containing the SCP, collapsing it and killing him. 
The SCP's field entered geometric progression and pulled the 
corpses of a number of personnel killed by SCP- through the 
reinforced concrete walls. Eventually, SCP- was contained, and 
the situation with SCP-555 was evaluated. 


Researchers were unable to determine the exact number of corpses 
stuck to SCP-555, but seventeen personnel (including those in the 
room with SCP-555) were reported missing after containment had 
been re-established for SCP- . The dead matter had formed an 
approximate sphere of human tissue around the SCP. 


A Class-D personnel trapped in the hallway at the time of the 
containment breach had his legs crushed by SCP-__, and was 


Notes: Never heard about that one in my mixology 
classes. -Agent 
Notes: Oh, it's easy. Two fingers, and shake it. -Agent 


Date: - - 


A man walks into the bar. It's quite noisy, so he calls out 
to the bartender and shouts "Eight beers please, mate!". 
A while later, the bartender gives him four beers. 


The man looks at the quatro of beverages a bit 
befuddled, and says "I ordered eight beers, man!" 


"You held up four fingers.” 


"Well, | used to have enough to order eight, but then | got 
a job at the sawmill..." 


The bartender apologizes and gets him four more beers. 
"On the house." 


A while later, the man has finished his drinks, and he has 
to piss something awful. So he goes up to the bartender 
and asks him if there's a bathroom here. 


"Sure, mate. Right over there." says the bartender, 
pointing at the men's room. 


The man looks a bit shifty, then asks in a hushed tone, 
"Don' you have a... ladies' room ‘round here?" 


"Now why do you want that?" 


"Well, | used t' be able to use the men's room, but then | 
got a job at th’ sawmill..." 


Notes: Jokes like this are seriously hurting the lumber 
industry. Who wood want that job after hearing this joke? 
-Agent 

Notes: Are you saying this joke should be cut? -Agent 


Notes: OSHA-ure. -Agent 


Date: - - 


A butcher walks into the bar, and looks around. He 
smiled, then waved at a number of his friends. The 
butcher then goes on to order a round of beers for his 
mates that just walked in, when he stopped and stared at 
the last person to sit down. 


The bartender, wary of violence, looked over the 
newcomers and noticed that each was carrying a piece 
of meat. The person the butcher was staring at looked 
nervous and stood up. 


He tried to hide his cut of meat behind his back, but 
failed when the butcher reached over and grabbed it. 
The meat flopped sadly around in his hand, gray and 
forlorn. 


The butcher suddenly turned beet red and threw the 
meat out the door. Grabbing the poor soul's shirt, he 
dragged him along the floor, grabbed a ham hock from 
out of his backpack, and started to beat him. After a few 
seconds, the butcher picked up the offender, punched 
him in the face, and threw him out of the bar. 


The bartender gasped, appalled by the sudden burst of 
violence, and asked, "What did you do that for?" 


The butcher takes one look at the bartender and replies, 
"Why, he just didn't make the cut." 


Notes: You have to stop jokes like this. | don't think you 
realise what's at steak! -Agent 

Notes: Yeah, we'd better ground ourselves before this 
gets way too out of hand. -Agent 

Notes: Why? I'd say this definitely made the grade. - 
Agent 

Notes: Hey you guys. | don't want to get out the 


Tenderizer, but I'll be forced to if this doesn't stop. | find 
this udderly unamoosing. -Agent 


Date: - - 


A cowboy walks into a completely empty bar and orders 
a whiskey. As the bartender pours his drink, he asks, "Is 
it always this slow?" 


"Naw," says the barkeep. "Everyone's just gone to the 
hanging. They finally caught Newspaper Pete." 


"Newspaper Pete?" the cowboy asks. "What kind of a 
name is that?" 


"One that fit him. He always wore a newspaper hat, a 
newspaper shirt, newspaper trousers, newspaper 
shoes..." 


"Oh. What're they hanging him for?" 
"Rustling." 
Notes: That must have been front page noose. -Agent 


Notes: Mob justice isn't usually this black and white. - 
Agent 

Notes: / knew newspapers were a dying medium, but 
this is ridiculous. -Agent 


Date: - - 


Rene Descartes walks into a bar. "Want a beer, buddy?" 
the bartender asks. 


"I think not," Descartes replies... and promptly vanishes. 


Notes: / drink, therefore | am. -Agent 


Date: - - 


A man storms into a bar, orders a drink, slams it back in 
one, and stands up to declare to all present: "I just want 
everyone to know that lawyers are assholes." 


"Hey!" yells a guy in the back of the bar. "I take exception 
to that!" 


"What," the first man snarls, "are you a lawyer?" 


"No! I'm an asshole." 


Date: - - 


Two peanuts walk into a bar. One of them orders a drink 
while the other sits down at a table. Suddenly, three men 
stand up from a nearby table and begin attacking the 
sitting peanut mercilessly before fleeing from the bar. 
The peanut is carried out of the bar by his fellow. 


Notes: Obviously, one must have been a [REDACTED]. 
-Agent 

Date: - - 

A bear walks into a bar. He sits down and looks to the 
bartender, and asks, "May | have a gin?" After several 


seconds, it added, "And tonic?" 


"Of course you can," the bartender says. "But why the 
pause?" 


He waved his arms at the bartender and said, "Because 
I'm a bear!" 


Notes: A real kodiac moment. -Agent 


Date: - - 


A C-note, an Eb-note, and a G-note walk into the bar. 
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors." 


The C-note turns to the Eb-note and says, "I told you to 
act natural!" 


Notes: That ended on a rather silly note. -Agent 
Notes: / think this joke fell flat. -Agent 

Notes: / dunno. It struck a chord with me. -Agent 
Notes: /'m just glad they didn't start any treble with the 
barkeep. -Agent 


Date: - - 


A mushroom walks into the bar and for the rest of the 
night is the center of attention as everyone has a good 
time. 


After he left all the patrons agreed that he was a fun guy. 


Date: - - 

Past, Present, and Future walk into the bar 

Notes: Man, the mood was tense after they showed up. - 
Agent 

Date: - - 


Two pieces of string walk into the bar. One string asks 
for a beer but the bartender says, "We don't serve your 
kind here." 


The string that made the order walks out. The second 
string begins writhing on the floor in order to tatter its 
ends and tie itself up. It then also asks for a beer. 


The bartender says, "Didn't you hear me the last time | 
said we don't serve your kind here?" 


The string replies with, "No, I'm a frayed knot." 


Notes: Like | haven't heard that line before - Agent 


Date: - - 


A leper walks into the bar with a pet chimp in hand. The 
barkeeper takes a look at the pair and says "Hey, you 
get that thing out of here. We don't serve them here." 


The chimp looks at the leper then back to the barkeep 
and responds, "Come on. Give him a break. He's 
wasting away over here." 


Notes: You should've seen the tip that guy left. -Agent 


Notes: Jurns out the monkey just keeps the leper 
around to give him a hand. -Agent 


Date: - - 

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under one 
arm. He says, "I'll have a beer please, And one for the 
road!" 


Date: - - 


An anomalously large hydrogen atom enters the bar and 
hovers around erratically, claiming to have lost an 
electron. After helping it look for several minutes, the 
bartender asks, "Are you sure you lost it?" 

The atom says, "Yes, I'm positive." 


Date: - - 

A set of jumper cables walks into the bar. The bartender 
looks at them and says, "OK, I'll serve you, but don't start 
anything." 


Date: - - 

A bird flies into a bar. The bartender then promptly 
serves it a drink. The bird started to fly away, but then 
the bartender grabbed it and said "We don't allow cheep 
skates." 

Notes: Now you're really winging it. -Agent 


Date: - - 


An Agent walks into the bar on a Thursday and orders 
three beers. The bartender thinks nothing of it and goes 
about his business. The Agent finishes his alcohol, pays 
his tab, and leaves. 


Come the next Thursday, the Agent again returns to the 
bar, orders three beers, drinks, pays, and leaves. So the 
bartender decides that the Agent must be a regular, and 
decides to see if he returns the following week. Sure 
enough, he does, so the bartender decides to ask the 
Agent about his drinking practices. 


The Agent says, "| have two brothers, and we used to go 
out on Thursday to drink. One is a researcher at Site- , 
and the other is in Mobile Task Force [REDACTED]. 
We've agreed that we'll all drink the other brother's beers 
until we're all together again." 


The bartender nods and gets back to work. For the next 
several months, the Agent continues to order his three 
beers, until one day, he only orders two. 


The bartenders thinks the worst has happened and asks, 
"Is everything ok?" 


"Yeah, everything's fine,” the Agent replies. 


"Well, you usually order three beers. Are your brothers 
ok?" 


"Oh, yeah, that. Well, | got reassigned to SCP-__, and 


the containment procedures say | can't drink. These are 
my brothers’ beers." 


Date: -- 

An Agent walks into the bar and orders an Irish Car 
Bomb. 

12 Foundation Agents were killed and a further 17 were 
wounded. 


Date: -- 

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel protruding 
from the front of his pants. When questioned by the 
bartender, he explains "Yaarrr!! It's drivin' me nuts!" 


Date: - - 

A man walks into the bar with a giraffe. They consume 
many rounds of drinks, until the giraffe is passed out on 
the floor. The man stands up to leave the bar, and the 
bartender calls after him "Hey! You can't just leave that 
lying there!". 

The man replies "That's no lion, it's a giraffe!"