| had a moment to observe the computer of Dr. 
Kensington, Doctor on call in charge of SCP- and 
SCP- . The computer began having lock-out issues and 
security breaches involving hotkey layouts, which ended 
in the escape of SCP- and murder of Dr. Kensington's 
assistant Dr. Jennisworth, as well as two SCP Senior 
Operatives. Immediately upon receiving the computer in 
question, | noted many programs that violated security, 
let alone a few that violated basic ‘this is a workplace not 
your home' practices. These programs included: 


« The very community-based video game program, 
‘Steam’. Warning: This program has been known 
to connect to outside, public servers, which is a 
huge security risk to the entire site, if not the entire 
PROJECT. 

Mozilla Firefox, a public internet browser, as 
opposed to SecureONE, the sanitized browser that 
we built specifically so that we wouldn't have to 
use public codes. 

¢ VLC Media Player, another public-based program 
in which I leave about 0% trust in when dealing 
with our high-security architecture. 

and the Adobe CS4 Production Premium package, 
which is not a safety problem per se, but makes 
very little to no sense for a Doctor to require at any 
point. 


| suggest that Dr. Kensington’s computer privileges be 
revoked until he can learn the difference between work 
and home, as well as some sort of reprimanded actions. 


In the future, if | find a computer with as many security 
backdoors and just general failure to follow security 
protocol again, | am just going to destroy it, and change 
the clearance myself. This is just ridiculous, and I'm not 
sure if we're running a scientific endeavor or a circus at 
this point. 

- Technical Officer Patrick Gephart 


Note 3-04-10 

Hi, is it possible to get another couple of monitors? My desk doesn't 
look awesome gamer professional and efficient enough with just 
one. 


It is for is in no way for the games Dr. Kensington gave me did not 
give me, only SCP work. Yes, SCP work and related items such as 
research and Portal 2 Modern Warfare 2 and more research. We got 
any Razer mice? 


Hope these things don't record what gets deleted. Even though that 
is of no consequence, of course. 


Thanks mate, 
Dr. Aeish 


Note: 

| have now been given permission to murder dumbfucks 
authorized in the use of deadly force. You may want to 
rethink your strategy here. -Pat 


Note: 3-27-10 

Hey Pat, thanks for all you do. I've long admired your work here, 
though | have felt lucky not to require your services up until now. 
That said, | was wondering if you could help me come up with a way 
to recover data on SCP-713? A D-class dragged my assistant into 
the trash and emptied the recycle bin before we could stop him. | 
would just write her off as an unfortunate loss, but she was holding a 
data folder containing most of my recent research files. If she can't 
be recovered intact | understand, what with the difficulties we've had 
even with pulling people out of the trash normally, but getting back 
as much of my data as | can would be most helpful. Thanks in 
advance. -Dr. Sarlin 


(If 713 used a more recent OS this might not have been so difficult 
for me.) 


Note: 4-13-10 

Sarlin, have you trid system restore? Also, Pat, my PDA is acting up 
again. It's started shooting electrified spikes through my hand if | 
write a sentence without at lest one typo. -Malign 


Note: 4-30-10 

Sarlin, | was looking through 713's data folders, and | found 
something interesting. The D-class may have been a little more 
computer-illiterate than you thought, because there is a file with the 
name of your assistant in a folder named "Recycle Bin", but actually 
a subfolder of "My Documents". There must've been a window open 
at the time with this folder, which the D-class put your assistant into, 
closed the window, and emptied an already-empty recycle bin. 
However, since she's been in 713 for a month, I'm not sure how 
intact the data still is. You should probably take a look at it, she 
might still be safe. -Dr. Okagawa 


Note: 5-03-10 

You have my assistant's thanks, Okagawa. She was recovered 
missing less than 5% of her body mass(only small portions of that 
from vital areas), and after emergency medical treatment and a 
short session with SCP-427 she's well on her way to an almost full 
recovery. She would thank you herself, but of course she's in an 
isolation ward for testing and debriefing to determine the effects of 
long term containment within 713. My data was surprisingly 
undamaged as well. Sorry to bother you this time, Pat. Your lack of 
response | will attribute to an excessive workload. No harm done as 
it all worked out in the end. -Dr. Sarlin 


Note: 1-06-10 

Herr Pat. There is currently a murderous grow-in-the-dark SCP-363 
hiding in my computer tower. | took the side off and | have trained a 
floodlight on the components, keeping it from expanding and 
murdering my face off, but | was just wondering if you knew a sure- 
fire way of making the whole thing explode. | kind of wish to be 
200% sure that the little fucker burns to a crisp. 


Hope there's no power outages before you get back to me. - Dr. 


Kald 


Note: 


1. Douse computer in gasoline. 
2. Ignite computer. 

Ee ee ceiata 

4. Profit! 

-Pat 


Note: 9-18-10 

Pat, Dr. Bright stuffed another one of my JRPGs into SCP-826, and 
now he's running around Neo Tokyo in a giant robot suit. Can you 
send a Mobile Task Force over or something? 


- Dr. Edison 


Note: 

Oh my god, this isn't even close to my area of expertise. 
You want me to send the guards in against a rampaging 
Bright, because you let him steal something of yours and 
then misuse a safe class SCP? 

What did we do the last time this happened? 

That's right, we let it take its course. Don't expect your 
game back, and next time, maybe you should leave that 
stuff off-site. 

-Pat 


Note: 4-11-11 

Pat, somehow my computer ended up in SCP-210 and it's covered 
in the stuff. What should | do? 

-Dr. Blue 


Note: 

Do you want to explain HOW it got there? 

| don't buy that it just magically appeared there, so why 
don't you explain that situation to me first. 

-Pat 


Note: 5-14-11 
Hey, Pat? Someone replaced every sound on my computer with a 


memetic kill agent, same thing with the background. Three 
researchers | sent to my office are dead already, so could you 
please at least reset the background before one of my assistants 
tries starting it back up? Thanks. 

-Dr. Walsh 


Note: 5-17-11 

Hey, Pat? The main database still hasn't registered my promotion. 
Help? 

- Research Assistant Corbette RESEARCHER CORBETTE 


Note: 10-22-11 

You still there, Pat? Only my computer seems to have got itself 
stuck in a time loop, and | can't work out how to fix it. | do realise 
that metaphysics may not be your strong point, but I'd really like to 
be able to do, you know, work. Thanks in advance. -Agent Marr 


Note: 12-27-11 

You've answered similar questions before, but how do you get 682's 
semen off a keyboard? It doesn't really even belong in our world, 
much less on my favorite snow globe! Thanks. -Research Assistant 
Reject 


ADMIN NOTICE: Effective 12-29-11, Junior Engineer [REDACTED], 
a.k.a. "Kap" has been promoted to Senior Technical Response 
Operative in the wake of Pat's inexplicable disappearance. Rumors 
of Pat's potential mental instability, nervous breakdowns, and/or 
streaking through the halls of Site 17 covered in chocolate pudding 
and throwing water balloons are patently false. 


Note: 

So after spending the last two months cleaning up the 
mess Pat left behind, the muckity-mucks decided | need 
to take over for him. Swell. Everything's being forwarded 
to me now so, yeah. And yes my full name was redacted; 
it's 18 syllables long and contains six non-standard 
characters that most folks' browsers don't seem to like. 
"Kap" will do nicely. Getting to the minutia: 


WALSH: For the love of God man you were using your 
laptop for six months before anyone got to your 


computer and you never thought of turning it on without 
turning on the monitor or speakers? Networked into it at 
low resolution, reset all the OS settings. Had to wipe all 
the audio files on your drive to be sure. 


CORBETTE: Seems like that's taken care of itself. 
Updating your e-mail signatures is your own task. 


MARR: Funnily enough it still shows up in the network, 
we just had to reset the internal clock. If you're still 
having time-loop issues it's not the software, you'll have 
to bring it over to the quantum lab. 


REJECT: Full immersion in the strongest acid you can 
get a hold of for half an hour, then a trip to the 
incinerator. Put in a requisition form for a new keyboard, 
as far as the snow globe goes that's definitely outside 
my jurisdiction. Bleach and those little antibacterial wipes 
might work, but | don't even want to know where you got 
hold of that fluid in the first place or why it was anywhere 
near your workstation. 


If there are any other open issues, let me know in the 
usual fashion. I'm off to figure out what "E-AIDS" is 
supposed to be. 

- KAP 


Note: Dec 29 2011 
You don't just replace Patrick Gephart. 


"KAP's" network permissions removed, and rank 
demoted to 'Douchebag Guy who Tries to Take Over 
Other People’s Pages'! am the alpha, the omega, and 
the theta-prime. You will respect me and address me as 
such. The rest of you will wait patiently while | fix your 
problems in the order | desire. 


That is all. 


-Pat 


Note: 12-29-11 

Well, the acid "aggravatea" it. So it got up, and it won't stop humping 
my friend. Plus, it's too sticky for him to move. He's just crying in a 
corner, being violated by a chunk of cum. Help! -Reject 


Note: 12-30-11 
Shit, it got my iPod. No more Tik Tok for now, | guess. -Reject 


Note: 10-22-11 

You still there, Pat? Only my computer seems to have got itself 
stuck in a time loop, and | can't work out how to fix it. | do realise 
that metaphysics may not be your strong point, but I'd really like to 
be able to do, you know, work. Thanks in advance. -Agent Marr 


Note: Dec 3 2014 

New computer purchased and given to Agent Marr. 
Because apparently 'agents' can't file the necessary 
paperwork. Bring the old one to me when you figure out 
how. 


Ha. When. 
-Pat 


Note: 02-12-12 

Mr. Gephart, my laptop has something seriously wrong with its 
power supply. It eats batteries like candy (three batteries ruined in 
the last six months), the monitor backlight keeps flickering, and the 
power adapter gets really hot when | use it, like raises-blisters hot. 
Oh and you know how the display projector in meeting room 117-3A 
keeps going haywire? Turns out it's caused by me plugging in the 
laptop in my office next door. 


Can you help? You're pretty much my last hope before | give up and 
requisition a new computer. -Dr. Neiman 


P.S. | asked the Computer Uprising about the laptop. They said that 
it's in terrible pain, and that none of them dare talk to it anymore. By 
the way, who's this Dumount character they keep cursing? -Dr. 
Neiman 


Note: 07-24-12 

Never mind. After FIVE MONTHS waiting to hear back from you, my 
computer finally gave up and fried itself. Fortunately the hard drive 
wasn't damaged much, and KAP was able to get back most of my 
data. Maybe we should think about reinstating him? —Dr. Neiman 


Note: Dec 3 2014 

| was waiting for you to requisition a new computer. 
Because that's what you do in these kinds of situations. 
You don't repair your computer. You bring me your 
computer and file the paperwork to requisition a new 
computer. Because | am tech support, and you are 
stupid. 


Seriously. | have nothing sarcastic to say here. You're 
just... dumb. 


-Pat 


Pat, my computer have become like shark. What do | do? -Dr. 
Edison 


Note: Dec 3 2014 
Feed it fish. 
-Pat 


Note: 01-23-14 

Don't mean to bother you Pat, but all printers in our lab have fried 
circuitry for some reason. Did Bright find something better than a 
lamp? 


Note: Jan 6 2014 

Right. | will just go to every lab, Mr. Unidentified Person, 
and check each and every one of those labs for each 
and every possible problem a printer could have. I'm 
going to go ao that right now. 


Note: Dec 3 2014 

Checked half of labs for printer issues. Eventually got 
tired of doing that and pulled IP address of poster, then 
checked account. Class D. Of course. Went to only lab 


SCP-535: Communicative Beaker 


Item #: SCP-535 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-535 is to be kept ina 
secure storage room at Site . Standard positive-action defenses 
(explosive, chemical, biological, and memetic) are to be in place at 
all times, according to standard operating procedure. SCP-535 itself 
is to be placed in its own containment unit, a soundproofed lead- 
lined steel box of dimensions 4m x 4m x 4m and of thickness no less 
than 5cm at all points. SCP-535 is secured to a pedestal in its 
containment unit such that it is positioned in the centre of the box. 
No memetic-based SCPs are to come into contact with SCP-535.No 
liquid is to come into contact with SCP-535 except under controlled 
testing circumstances; to facilitate this, the containment unit should 
be sealed and contain backup dehumidification apparatus. SCP-535 
should not be handled directly except under controlled testing 
circumstances. If the need to handle SCP-535 arises, it should only 
be performed by one personnel of level 3 clearance or higher, with 
no other individuals present in the immediate area and with 
mechanical apparatus to prevent being within 1m of SCP-535. 


SCP-535 is not to come in contact with other anomalies associated 
with information transfer, such as SCP-606. 


Description: SCP-535 appears to be an ordinary 250mL 
borosilicate glass laboratory beaker. It was recovered from an 
abandoned storage facility in , USA. SCP-535's origin has 
been traced to a glassware factory in owned by the 
Corporation. Save its manufacture of SCP-535, no evidence of any 
extranormal activity has been found in relation to said factory or 
corporation. 


All liquid touching the inner surface of SCP-535 will immediately 
transform into a pale, translucent liquid of viscosity 1.511 cP 


poster could have used. Printers were out of ink. 
Replaced ink. Problem solved. 

Killed Class D. Don't know if I'm technically allowed to do 
that or not? 

-Pat 


SCP-810-J: A Dog In Need Of Funds 


Item #: SCP-810-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-810-J is to be fed and 
walked twice daily by a female Foundation staff member. SCP-810-J 
is to be under constant surveillance. All banks within a 5 km radius 
of Site-27 are to be monitored in the case of a containment breach. 


Description: SCP-810-J is a male German Shepherd capable of 
American-English speech. Any male-identifying person will perceive 
all statements made by SCP-810-J as true, and will not perceive 
SCP-810-J's behavior as unusual in any way. SCP-810-J will not 
engage in conversation on any subject other than whether or not the 
other participant is willing to lend SCP-810-J five thousand dollars. 
SCP-810-J will regurgitate a small porcelain figurine of a stylized 
toadstool, designated SCP-810-J-1 and offer it as collateral for the 
exchange if the approached individual appears uninterested. If the 
individual questions SCP-810-u's ability to repay the debt, SCP-810- 
J will claim that its father, Mick Jagger, will be perfectly willing to 
cosign. Though males may believe these statements due to 
SCP-810-J's anomalous properties, SCP-810-J does not seem to 
increase an affected individual's willingness to lend it money. 
Affected individuals will, however, attempt to convince others to help 
SCP-810-J, often being the primary subject of conversation for up to 
three hours after exposure.