The average woodchuck (or groundhog, Marmota monax) is capable 
of chucking approximately 700 Ibs of dirt over the course of digging 
its burrow, which suggests that it could chuck a similar amount of 
wood. However, SCP-__, a hitherto unknown species of marmot, is 
capable of chucking as much as two tons of wood with its tentacles. 
Its ability to do so has cost the lives of five Foundation agents to 
date. 


"Dr. Mann, what is your favorite organ, and why?" —Nineteen 
at 19 


The brain, naturally. It is the seat of sapience, the center of thought, 
and it makes a rather nifty paperweight when preserved in a jar. 


“Dr. Mann, when did you do your first dissection, and on 


what?" —Nosy in New York 


Oh, fond memories there. My first dissection was on a frog, when | 
was eight years old. Oh, excuse me. There's not very "PC." | mean a 
Frenchman, of course. 


“Dear Dr. Mann, I'm pretty sure this is my first time. Why is 
there so much blood?" —Just Asploded A Man in Denver 


Well, when a man is "asploded,” the blood tends quite naturally to 
exit the body, often at high velocity. This results in quite a lot of 
coverage, which tends to make it seem as though there's more 
blood than is actually there, compared to when it's seen to simply 
pool. However, please consult Foundation forensics to ensure there 
is not an anomalous amount of blood in the victim's body. It would 
be a great pity of an extradimensional circulatory system were so 
crudely damaged. 


"Dear Dr. Mann, what's cooler than being cool?" —Andre in 
Area 3000 


Quite a few things, if one interprets "cool" as weather around fifteen 
degrees or so. That's still well above the freezing point of water, for 
example. So | would look to tundral regions, ice floes, the black 
heart that lies at the center of time, or your icebox. 


“Dear Dr. Mann, in your professional opinion as a high-ranking 
member of the SCP Foundation, what do you consider to be the 
cause most worth fighting for?" —Philosophical in the Break 
Room 


Science. What other causes are there? 


“Dear Dr. Mann, | was in the middle of getting intimate with 
myself when the containment breach siren went off. Do | stop 
and rush to check on the situation or continue and hope it 
doesn't break into my quarters? Also I'm out of lotion, what do 
you recommend as an alternative?" —In a sticky situation at 
Sector-28 


An appointment has been made for surgery. If you can't be trusted 


with genitalia, you'll simply have to do without. 


"Dear Dr. Mann, | have a tomato lodged in my skull, please 
help!" —Unfunny in Site 03 


Oh dear. That's really wedged in there, isn't it? Well, | hope you 
enjoy vegetables, since it's going to be there for a while. 


Also, you're going to be one. It's interrupting the blood flow to your 
brain, and there's nothing we can do. Dreadfully sorry. 


"Dear Dr. Mann, | am currently being stalked by a caucasion 
male of indeterminate age in a trenchcoat and fedora, what do | 
do?" —Somebody in Site 14 


I'm sure it's just your imagination. Nobody would bother stalking you 
inside a Foundation Site, I'm sure. 


"Dearest Dr. Mann, I'm a new hire to the Foundation and most 
certainly not a member of The Church of the Broken God. 
Could you please eMail me all compromising information you 
have on yourself or your colleagues, particulalrly any assigned 
to hunting The Church of the Broken God (which | am not a 
member of)." —Heathen in New Orleans 


Please open and run the executable file attached to this message. | 
have been assured by our IT department that it contains the files 
you've requested, and not a tracking program designed to lead our 
kill team directly to your location. 


"Dr. Mann, am | likely to get demoted for fabricating potato- 
based ammunition for SCP-516, would testing get approved, 
and would you like to watch?" —Spudchucker in Site-84 


Demotion is unlikely. While in the whimsical, chaotic Foundation of 
yesteryear, you would have found yourself either demoted to Class 
D or else given your own cleverly-named MTF and wise-cracking 
bonobo sidekick, in the new, more modernized Foundation, we'll 
simply have your superior smack you across the forehead and tell 
you to get back to work. 


"Dr. Mann, what would be the best method of using SCP-504, 


SCP-786 and one of the Lizard's teeth in tandem for a prank? | 
want that monkey!" —A man in green 


Sir, if you require someone to tell you how to pull a jape, then the 
current holder of "the cleverest" probably needs not fear losing the 
title anytime soon. 


"Oh Ultimate Ruler that is Dr. Mann, what is SCP-055?" — 
Mystified in Milwaukee 


| already told you. Don't you remember? 


Ask Lord Blackwood 


To whom it may concern; 


Tally-ho, ladies and gentlemen! It is |, Lord Theodore Thomas 
Blackwood, CBE, 7th Viscount of Westminister, noted explorer and 
gentleman. 


It has come to my attention that | am held in quite high regard by the 
readers of a periodical known as "the World-Wide Web". | have 
heard of no such paper being available in London, but Deeds has 
explained to me that it is a most clever artiface which harnesses the 
power of the telegraph by which to convey the latest happenings in 
far-off lands directly into the homes of its subscribers. Will such 
wonders ever cease? 


As | find myself wanting for diversion since | have been made an 
involuntary guest of these mountebanks and confidence-men who 
call themselves "scientists", | have decided to endeavour in making 
contact with you, my admirers, through this marvelous publication. 
Though | lack a telegraph key in the quarters | have been given (not 
that it would operate given that my gaolers insist for some reason on 
continuing to fill the room with water day after day), Deeds has 
agreed to collect my mail and take dictation for me while the 
watchful eyes of the guardsmen are turned away, that | might 
correspond through these pages with any and all who wish to 
enquire of my life and adventures. 


Tell me, my fellow Englishmen and our brothers and cousins 
throughout the world, what would you ask of me? What exploits of 
mine would you wish to know of? What secrets of my life and times 
would you have laid bare? What opinions or beliefs of my own do 
you wish to learn of? While | am sure the editors of this news-paper 
are quite diligent in censoring matters of a prurient or classified 
nature, | shall do my best to answer any honest and decent 
questions that any of you might have. | eagerly await receiving your 
responses. 


Yours in Christ, 
T.T.B. 


Jekeled writes: 
You are aware you're a slug, right? 
Lord Blackwood replies: 


Mr. Jekeled - | have heard that joke several times, and | no longer 
find it as risible as once | did. Obviously | am a man, and not a slug - 
for how else could | hunt, and fight, and write, and sing, and love? 
Perhaps you are in need of a new pair of eyeglasses - | can 
recommend a fellow in Brighton who sold me a pince-nez capable of 
seeing back in time. 


Egads, sir, | have that very same pince-nez sitting in my parlor! 
Could this be a black forgery of some sort? 


Perhaps - | have heard that those blackguards, Messrs. Marshall, 
Carter, and Dark have made quite a bit of ill-gotten wealth 
counterfeiting Henry's contraptions. | would have it thoroughly 
examined by a phlogistonic engineer as soon as possible. | know 
not what far-off corner of the world you find yourself in, but surely 
there is one in the nearest metropolis? 


Hah! Even if the rapscallions have gypped me, | have gotten 
adequate use out of those spectacles. Saved my life in Bora-Bora in 
72. 


That was you? By Jove, boy, | thought we were both finished after 
the manticore got between us and the powder magazine. Did you 
ever find out what happened to Baron von Almsbach? 


Poor fellow, never the brightest jewel in the necklace, you know. 
Picked an ill-timed fight with a ruffian in the East End. 


Oooh. Nasty. 


We never did find the entirety of that poor blighter's lower torso... 


SwamplessThing writes: 


My good fellow! Please share with me a story concerning the loss of 
your greatest love. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Mr. SwamplessThing - my greatest love, of course, is England 
herself, and God willing we shall never lose her. | have heard 
distressing news from the doctors here that she is not as strong and 
mighty as once she was - but she endures, and | am told that there 
sits now a queen almost as savvy and beloved as my dear Victoria 
herself. 


The story of my marriage to Countess Francesca, the daughter of 
the Neapolitan archduke - now that is another story entirely, and one 
| shall have to recount in great detail someday - but suffice it to say 
that the Knights Hospitaller take no prisoners, and the steppes of 
Mongolia are a cruel and unforgiving land. 


Dr J Sombre writes: 


Lord Blackwood, I've lately stumbled across a bit of a poser- which 
is better, a Tesla Coil gun or one of those fancy little 'ray-guns' I've 
seen sometimes in artificers' markets? | was planning to do a little 
exploration down Brazil-way, perhaps in those rainforest sinkholes 
I've heard so much about, so would it be wiser to sacrifice a little 
power for more portability? Or would | be kicking myself when the 
mokele-mbembes came? (I'd ask my guides to carry it, but finding a 
trustworthy native who can spelunk worth a damn... Well, it's no 
easy task | can tell you.) 

Also, top hat or bowler? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Dr. Sombre - While | am personally fond of my particle destabilizing 
muskets, you would likely have great difficulty acquiring one 
yourself, as Mr. Moth's waiting list has been known to extend for 


years filling his orders. I'm told the old man insists on making every 
one of them by hand after being swindled by an urchin he hired to 
assist him. In any event, | find that radium weapons are more 
effective than electrical any day of the week. 


And | should hope you don't encounter Mokele-Mbembe in the 
Amazon, for that would mean that you had either gone mad or 
turned to drink - for the creature seldom strays from its demesne in 
the Congo, and | know of no cousins of itself to be found in South 
America. Beware the great snake the natives call Matatoro, 
however, and the giant sloths that prey on man and beast alike. 


(Incidentally, the next time you find yourself in Sao Paolo, seek out a 
tavern called 'A historia do galo e o touro' and ask for a bar-man 
named Armando. The old boy makes the finest martini i've ever 
tasted outside of London.) 


As to headgear, | prefer the comfort of a pith helmet when | find 
myself in the wild, but when it comes to the social scene, | would 
sooner be seen naked than without my top hat. 


Well, maybe with my grasp of Geography | should stay at home. Or 
try and aquire better travel guides; | think | was sold a pup. 


Catboy637 writes: 


Good sir, | must ask: how do you survive these so-called "scientists" 
filling your room with water? 

In addition, have you been given proper access to a Bible? 

Lastly, who is heir to your titles, upon (God forbid it!) the event of 
your death? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Mr. Catboy - It's not the first time i've been forced to live underwater, 
| assure you. One does grow accustomed to it eventually. I've 
requested a Bible several times, but my attendants have denied all 
my requests thus far for books. | was, of course, three times the 
winner of the annual Scripture Knowledge competition in my days at 


Eton, and | can still recite the book of Matthew, and most of 
Leviticus, from beginning to end by memory. 


As to an heir - sadly, my life of adventure has yet left me little time to 
raise a family. Lord Randolph Churchill's third son, Winnie, is my 
godson, though | have not seen him since he was but a boy - | 
expect he has done quite well in life, and my current will specifies 
him (or his descendent) as the heir to my lands and title. 


Are you aware of the proposal to revive the Ancient Greek Olympic 
games? The great city of London has been chosen as the new site 
at which they will be held. 


Indeed? This is most fascinating news - though surely the runners 
will not compete in the nude as the Grecians once did, one hopes. 


Lord Blackwood, have you ever encountered the Amaski tribe of 
Africa? They have quite the odd oral tradition, and with all your 
exploration, any knowledge you can provide on them would be 
invaluable. 


On an unrelated note, what is the best way to prevent sunburn while 
travelling near the equator, in your opinion? 


Drewbear writes: 


Nay, not naked, but near enough. The contestants, both male and 
female (yes, indeed!), tend to wear the most shockingly form-fitting 
clothing when competing in the more physically strenuous events. 


Personally, | prefer the more dignified sporting events of archery, 
shooting and equestrianism. And although it is somewhat distressing 
to see ladies of refinement competing in the swimming or gymnastic 
events, there is nothing finer than a gentle-woman upon a good 
dressage horse. And a woman has matched the record for skeet- 
shooting! 99 hits out of 100! Alas, they use but ordinary rifles rather 
than the more effective weaponry owned by yourself. 


Boa Noah writes: 


SCP-792: The Body Farm 


Item #: SCP-792 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-792 is surrounded by an 
electric fence topped with razor-wire, measuring 4 meters high. The 
only entrance to SCP-792 is a gate on the south side, which is to be 
guarded by three (3) armed security personnel at all times. 
Additional security personnel are posted every 1.5 km around the 
perimeter. SCP-792 must be inspected weekly for new instances of 
SCP-792-1, except between September 2nd and October 31st. No 
other personnel are to be admitted to the area. 


Description: SCP-792 is a wooded area measuring 4 square 
kilometers near the town of , .SCP-792 contains, at any given 
time, between 37 and 4,500 human corpses, hereby designated 
SCP-792-1. Instances of SCP-792-1 vary greatly in race, age, etc., 
with slight trends existing towards Caucasian and Hispanic descent 
and heightened age. All specimens are nude. 


Instances emerge from the ground at apparently random intervals at 
a rate of roughly ten (10) per day in a process that takes between 
nine (9) and fourteen (14) days. SCP-792-1 specimens will emerge 
headfirst in a prone position. After emergence, decomposition will 
proceed as expected in SCP-792's environment. Fully emerged 
instances of SCP-792-1 show no unusual properties. If removed 
from the ground prior to complete formation, the portions of 
SCP-792-1 that were underground will be composed of a large mass 
of root-like structures. Analysis of these structures has shown them 
to be identical in composition to human muscle tissue. 


Once a year, between the dates of September 2nd and October 
31st, 90 to 130 humanoid figures (hereby referred to as SCP-792-2) 
will appear in and climb out of a pond in the center of the area. 
Instances of SCP-792-2 are clothed in white Level A hazmat suits 


What does Mr. Deeds smell like? 
Lord Blackwood replies: 


A strange query indeed, but | find that he often has the scent of 
fresh lilacs about him. What cologne or secret he uses, he refuses to 
tell me. 


Thank you, good day fine sir. 
Scratskinner writes: 


Have you ever met a man deluded into believing himself a sea slug? 
What diversions of this era do you find least offensive to your taste? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


A man believing himself a sea slug, Mr. Scratskinner? | should say 
not - such a thing would be madness, and | associate not with 
madmen.