“Emergency Clown Milk; Powdered’,” he read, noticing the cheery, 
make-up-plastered Clown mascot saying the words in a balloony 
speech bubble. "Remember Clowns, Add Water and Drink it 
Responsibly!" He chuckled, half in amusement and gratitude, half in 
bitterness. He looked up at his partner again. "Where'd you find 
this?" 


"Broken down, antique cell phone back thataways," Pius turned and 
gestured towards the east side of Hub. "Two cans in the battery 
compartment, along with some..." He rummaged through his 
pockets again. "Emergency Clown Impulse Suppressant,” he held 
up a bottle of purple pills. "You know, for anxiety and such, in case a 
Clown goes bonkers while waiting to be picked up." 


"Huh, we've been waiting for more than a little while," Eugene 
snorted. 


Pius rolled his eyes and continued. "Uh...some Herman Fuller 
Animal Crackers, | don't think they make noise anymore..." He 
tossed a crumpled red box on the ground. "Mr. Clean Clown's 
Digestible Soap Tablets—" 


"Mine," Eugene said quickly, taking the box from Pius’ hands, 
opening the turquoise tin, and popping one the pills in his mouth. 
Immediately, the scent of pine and mint filled the air as sea-green 
bubbles frothed from Eugene's skin, obscuring his body from head 
to toe, the suds rising into the air and popping with the sound of a 
harp. When the soap had all risen off, Eugene reemerged, looking 
much more relaxed and cleaner than he had before. 


"Oh, that's so much better," he breather, inhaling through his nose 
deeply. 


"Don't blow through them all at once," Pius said, raising an eyebrow. 
He continued. "The rest of the stuff was just junk. Got a card deck, 
an empty peanut jar, some wiener balloons, a sheet music page, 
and...this big thing of rainbow glitter." He tossed each item on the 
ground as he said their names. 


Eugene shuffled through all the trinkets Pius had brought back. 


"There's a note tied to the glitter bag," Eugene noticed a tiny roll of 
paper attached with a neat red ribbon. He slid it through the bow and 
unrolled it. He gave a puzzled look as he saw what it said. 


Go to hell, Charley, this isn't funny anymore. We hope 
you get Inflated. 


Eugene looked up at Pius and handed him the message. "Um, by 
any chance, were there still..." 


"Another pair, starved by looks of it," Pius said solemnly, still eyeing 
the paper. "Poor guys. Looked like they'd been dead for quite 
awhile. All dried-out, you could see their faces through the receiver." 


Eugene shifted slightly at the thought of two different, mummified 
Clowns sprawled on top of a dial wheel. 


Things were silent for a few moments. 


"Get some rest, Pius, we gotta get out of here." Eugene shimmered 
and turned into a prairie dog. He began to burrow underneath the 
dirt to make a resting spot. 


"| would have thought you'd have had it with tunneling rodents by 
now," Pius said. 


"Hey, if | can keep the light out, it's fine by me," Eugene's muffled 
voice came out of the hole he had just dug. 


Pius sighed and turned into an umbrella bird. The parasol kept him 
cool and comfortable. 


"Looking pretty shady there, Pius," Eugene said, peeking his eyes 
out. 


"Good night, Eugene,” Pius squawked. 


Eugene awoke back on the Chopping Table, and promptly was 
seized by a wave a terror even stronger than the first time he had 
been here. He looked up at the swirling roulette wheel above him, a 
device that was supposed to lull and anesthetize Clowns before they 
underwent Circus-time procedures. 


"NO!" Eugene shouted. "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! 
NOr 


Around him, surgical "clowns" were preparing all the tools and 
machinery in order to make sure Eugene was fit for Circus Life. In 


other words, they were going to shut down a good deal of his mind 
and body to suppress the violence and temper most unaltered 
Clowns were prone to. 


One of the medical clowns began moving towards Eugene, standing 
over him as if to reassure that the procedure would go smoothly. 
The sixteen eyes staring at him, and the long dexterous hands 
wielding scalpels didn't exactly calm Eugene down, though. 


"We're about to put you under, Eugene," the clown told him. "When 
you wake up, you'll be ready to go off to the Circus. Try to relax 
now." 


Eugene hyperventilated and began to yank on the straps holding 
him down. "Not again, not again, not again." His voice was shaking 
with fear. 


"It will be alright, Eugene," the doctor said, as he put a pair of 
goggles over Eugene's eyes. He turned toward the other clowns. "Is 
the wheel ready to go?" 


"Yes, Darius." a female clown flicked a few switches, and the 
roulette wheel above Eugene began to turn and glow, faster than 
before. 


"Let's begin the operation," the doctor said, gas masks sprouting 
onto everyone's face except Eugene's as mist began to spray from 
nozzles in the center of the rotating disc. All the gases, twirled 
around, forming a twisting rainbow string that shot straight into 
Eugene's nose, and knocking him out in an instant. 


A moment later, at least to him, Eugene's eyes snapped open to find 
a dozen blades inside him, his torso cut open. 


As two of Eugene's eyes shot out and punched holes through the 
dirt, a third eye looked around and saw a tiny flip phone biting into 
his behind. The little red thing formed a mouth with the two hinged 
parts, and they were full of teeth. 


"Get the hell off me!" Eugene screamed, rocketing out of his hole 


that you can recall seeing in person or utilizing from the 
past. 


Mr. Deeds: Horse and buggy, sir, although bicycles were 
just becoming a fad with the wealthy if | recall correctly. 
Quite took off, didn’t they, sir? (Mr. Deeds smiled again.) 


Dr. Mirth: You needn't call me 'sir’ any longer; | 
appreciate it, but it’s becoming a bit grating. 


Mr. Deeds: Very well. 


Dr. Mirth: Why do you suppose that you cannot 
remember these things? 


Mr. Deeds: I...1 can’t quite say. (Mr. Deeds shifted his 
weight in his chair and looked a bit uncomfortable for a 
moment before resuming his posture) 


Dr. Mirth: Or is it that you may, or will not say? 


Mr. Deeds: That may be the case, yes, perhaps | may 
not say, though again, begging your pardon, | do not 
recall why that is. 


Dr. Mirth: Very well. Moving on: where is it that you go 
to when you fetch items for those you serve? 


Mr. Deeds: Well, you see, ah... (Mr. Deeds's face 
contorted momentarily as if he was in great pain, before 
he quickly reassumed a more relaxed visage) | don’t 
actually recall that either. 


Dr. Mirth: Why do you wince when | ask these kinds of 
questions? 


Mr. Deeds: | do not know. 


Dr. Mirth: Never mind that for now, we’ll get answers 
eventually. Now then, | have a request. 


Mr. Deeds: Very well, how may | be of further 


(and knocking Pius, still an umbrella bird, off his feet), turning back 
into a Clown, and ripping the tiny phone off his buttocks. He chucked 
it as hard as he could, and it landed a good thirty meters away, 
where it thrashed and chirped in high-pitched, warbled noise, like a 
crazed dialing tone. 


"Eugene, what happened?" Pius said, now back as a Clown with a 
slightly bent umbrella for a left hand. But Eugene was already 
making a dash for the tiny cell phone, with murderous intent in his 
eyes. 


Pius got there first. He yanked Eugene by the collar and brought 
them both to a screeching halt. 


"Pius, MOVE, I'm gonna stomp that thing to fragments!" Eugene 
choked, his eyes literally burning as flames shot out of his mouth. 


"Not happening, Eugene," Pius said calmly. With that, he turned his 
hand into that of a polar bear's, and gave Eugene a good dose of 
head freeze. The fevered Lesser Clown slumped, quite literally, out 
cold. 


With Eugene temporarily out of the equation, Pius looked down at 
his partner's antagonist, which was still flopping pathetically on the 
ground making electronic wailing. Suddenly, it melted into something 
similar to a black, pudding-filled water balloon, and started tumbling 
away. 


"What the—oh, no, you're not leaving just yet, little guy." Pius ran 
after it and snatched it up in the peanut jar he had found earlier. He 
brought the clear plastic container up to his eyes to get a closer 
look. The tiny phone was gnashing wildly. 


"This thing is... a baby Fun-Lover...how?...." Pius looked towards 
Eugene, who was still out cold, then looked back at the little 
creature. 


Wra, wra, wra, wraaaa, wraaaa, wraaaa, wra, wra, wra!!! the juvenile 
critter made a vicious snap at Pius' nose, whose owner quickly 
withdrew; the plastic cracked slightly from the impact of the bite. 


"Bad Fun-Lover," Pius scolded, giving the jar a rattle, which sent the 
cell phone bouncing around the interior with an audible clatter, 
clatter, clatter. 


Wra, wra, wra, wraaaa, Wraaaa, wraaaa, wra, wra, wra!!! The wailing 
grew louder. 


Eugene shook his head and clasped his hands over his ears at the 
incessant screeching. He leaped to his feet as soon as his thoughts 
were clear and looked around wildly, one of his hands moving to 
shield his stomach. 


"Eugene, calm down!" Pius ordered as his partner's eyes were 
clouded by fear of a terrible memory. "Calm, down, you're in the 
Hub, with me! It's Pius, remember?" 


"Don't cut me open!" Eugene shouted. 


Oh, Freakin’ hell, he’s back on the chopping table. Pius' gut 
suddenly filled with dread. "Eugene, you're fine! You're fine, okay! 
Everything is fine!" 


"DON'T CUT ME OPEN!" Eugene screamed. 


"I'm not, /'m not! Pius shouted. The air was rapidly becoming laden 
with noise, and a ringing was filling his ear with the combined 
cacophonies. 


Wra, wra, wra, wraaaa, wraaaa, wraaaa, wra, wra, wra!!! 


"SHUT UP!" Pius bellowed, swinging the Fun-Lover into the ground 
like a whip; the peanut jar, along with the phone cracked and 
shattered, and the toothed calling device ceased all movement. Pius 
walked over to Eugene, grabbing him and looking him in the eye. 


"Look at me, come on Eugene, look at me!" Pius said firmly. "Pull 
yourself together." 


Eugene's hands turned into talons and raked Pius' calf. 


Pius grimaced but held on. "Okay, buddy, hang on here." He pulled 
a purple Clown pill and forced it into Eugene's mouth, before 


clamping his jaw shut. 


The effect was immediate. Eugene's eyes lost their fever and he lost 
all tension as lavender spots popped up all around his skin. His 
breathing slowed, trying to bring his heart rate down. After a few 
moments, he spoke. 


"...Pius?" 


His friend was at a distance, nursing their clawed leg. Eugene 
stepped forward. 


Pius held his hand up. "Back," he panted. 
"Pius, I'm—" 


"It's fine." Pius winced as his wounds were still oozing out black 
blood. "I'm fine. A little Clown Milk and I'll heal right up." 


"What— what bit me?" Eugene asked quietly. 


"Baby Fun-Lover. Nasty little thing too, | might add." Pius said, still 
hobbling, but gesturing towards the lifeless cell phone on the 
ground. Eugene went over to it and knelt down. 


"A Fun-Lover? But | thought that—" 


THOOM. 


Eugene leaped back as a hulking red rectangle crashed in front of 
him, throwing up a spray of dust. Loud, beeping emanated from the 
center of it, sounding similar to frantic, garbled radio chatter. As the 
dirt settled again, Eugene saw that he was staring at an enormous, 
scarlet box phone. Two large ebony bells at its top stared at 
Eugene, then down at the tiny flip phone. It began shaking violently, 
then let out an ear-splitting blast of static noise. 


"Oh, shit." 


« A Circus of a Wreck 


Hunger Doggo Hub 


She's a Maneater: 


- Part One 
Part Two 
Part Three 
Part Four 
Epilogue 


The Chronicles of the Butch and the Twink: 


* Part One 


Whoa, Here She Comes 


"Dr. Agarwal," Reynolds poked his head nervously into Lakshmi's 
office, "you're needed in 5760's enclosure." 


"That’s the kitten, right? The kitten that cures all forms of pediatric 
cancer?" 


"No, that's 5670. This is the thing we brought in from Canada." 
“Wait a minute, how many D-Class did it eat?” 


“Nine,” Reynolds said, voice barely audible. He fiddled nervously 
with his watchband, a bright orange that clashed weirdly with his 
light brown skin. 


“Why do they want me?” 


"| don't know. I'm just doing what Gonzalez told me. But you're 
already five minutes late." 


"Well, whose fault is that?” 


"There was... a conflict of interest. Everything's a little behind 
schedule. But, you need to go. Like, right now.” 


Probably just jittery. He saw that thing eat those D-Class, that can’t 
have made him any less anxious than he already was. Hell, I'd be 
sweating through my lab coat if I'd seen that. 


As far as she could remember, 5760’s anomalous properties had 
nothing to do with her research. SCP-5760, Keter Class, possesses 
the ability to manipulate ossiferous tissue, capable of producing a 
cry which causes instinctive fear response in all tested mammals 
and birds... Nothing she would really help with. 


Lakshmi frowned as she looked at the schedule on her tablet. Dr. 
Agarwal, SCP-5760's Containment cell, 7:00 this evening. 


"The thing's waiting for you," Gonzalez said sharply when she 
arrived outside 5760's containment cell. "Would it have killed you to 
at least jog?" He shoved a security briefing into her hand and 
pushed her towards the door. "Read and walk in. Multitask. You're 
already late. There's a guard tailing you. Everything's gonna be fine. 
Now go." 


As if on cue, large thumping sounds could be heard from inside 
5760’s enclosure, followed by skittering, scraping sounds that 
seemed to come from everywhere. She forgot to read through the 
briefing as she walked through the hall from the observation 
chamber to the enclosure. 


She opened the door to see a dimly-lit forest populated by sickly- 
looking, white trees. The security guard stationed himself behind 
one of them, and prepared his rifle. If she remembered correctly 
from the documentation, the trees were human bone, with marrow 
pulsing at their core. 


Just then, she saw it - the glimmering, reflective eyes of 5760, 
peering out from between the trees. There was just enough light for 
Lakshmi to see the glistening whiteness of its multiple rows of teeth. 
She locked eyes with it, and both remained motionless. 5760 
opened its jaw and crept the slightest bit closer. It dropped to the 
ground, inching closer all the while, and Lakshmi was close enough 
to see the strands of saliva dripping off its multiple rows of glistening 
white teeth. 


All at once, it sprang for her, its canid, skull-like face the last thing 
she would ever see before being devoured - 


Huh. 


It seemed instead of devouring her, 5760 was going to kill her via 
asphyxiation. Or possibly by crushing her ribcage. 


Lakshmi could feel herself being physically lifted off the ground in 
what could only be described as a bear hug. Wolf hug. Wendigo 
hug? Irrelevant. 


“Hello, SCP-5760.” she managed through its embrace, voice muffled 


by its fur. “Would you mind putting me down? Rib cage. Crushing. 
Breathing. Need to.” 


Lakshmi fell to the floor with an undignified thump. “Thank you, 
5760. You requested to meet with me?” 


5760 nodded, sat back, and looked at her with an expression that on 
a normal canine would have qualified as adoration. Upon hearing a 
thumping noise, Lakshmi looked and found that 5760's tail was 
indeed wagging. 


"Hello, 5760. | take it you're happy to see me." 


“Yes! Sorry about earlier,” 5760 said, surprisingly cheerful, “I just 
got...overexcited.” Its voice was definitely feminine, definitely 
American, and probably around Lakshmi’s age, though anything 
else was hard to determine. 


"No apologies necessary. Now, let me see what tests were we 
scheduled to do today..." 


"Oh, there's no tests. | did that yesterday."