an abandoned mine after a miner went missing and died, 
but what does that have to do with anything? 

Dr. :lthas to do with everything. That backstory is 
boring, and kind of implausible. We don't investigate 
every death in the world. It just doesn't add anything. 
Maybe you could change it? 

Dr. : What the fuck do you mean, "change it?!" That's 
what actually happened! 

Dr. : Hey, buddy, calm down. We're just trying to help 
make it better. 

Dr. : Better? This... THING fucking KILLS PEOPLE! 
Dr. : Yes, yes. We've been over that. Now | have to 
ask, dark matter? Really? 

Researcher — : Oh yeah. That bugged the crap out of 
me. Dark matter hasn't actually been proven to exist. 

Dr. : Yeah. Downvote for pointless dark matter. 

Dr. : It HAS been proven to exist! WE just proved it 
exists! You're scientists! Why aren't you shitting your 
pants with excitement?! 

Dr. : That's another thing. Your tone. It's really off. | 
don't believe a scientist would really say that in an official 
interview. I'm afraid it's downvote for me. 

Dr. : WHAT THE FUCK IS A DOWNVOTE?!!! 

END LOG 


SCP-329-J: The Ghoooost Siiiign 


Item #: SCP-329-J 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-329-J is currently housed 
in Containment Locker 329-J. Access is permissible to all personnel. 


Description: SCP-329-J is a common American "yield" sign with the 
apparent ability of soeech. SCP-329-J claims to be a "ghost". No 
other anomalous properties have been detected at this time. 


Addendum: Interview Log 329-J-1: 


Dr. James: Good morning three two nine dash jay. 
SCP-329-J: | am the ghoooost siiiign! 

Dr. James: Um... ok. 

SCP-329-J: Yield to oncoming traffiiic! Ooooooh! 
Dr. James: Um, ghost sign, do you know where you 


are? 
SCP-329-J: I'm in the realm of the liviiiing! 
Ooooooococooh! 


Dr. James: Right, um, what were you doing before this? 
Dr. James: What does that even mean? 

SCP-329-J: | was once arrested for driving under the 
influuuueeence! 

Dr. James: What? 

SCP-329-J: | know riiiight? | don't even have 
leeeeegggssss! Ooooooh! Drunk driving is 
dangeroooouuuus! 


Interview Log 329-J-2: 


Dr. James: Good morning, er, ghost sign. 
SCP-329-J: Don't call me thaaaat! I'm just a siiiign 


At time of discovery, no physical remains of the cargo or the six 
crew members could be found. An initial survey showed that the 
painted scene contained 68 uniquely identifiable individuals, of 
which several have shown incredible similarities to descriptions and 
photographs of the missing crew. 


Addendum 556-1 Translated excerpt from the damaged Cockpit 
Voice Recorder (CVR) recovered from SCP-556: 


: (unintelligible) coming up from the cargo hold 
(unintelligible) 


: (unintelligible) got (unintelligible) close the 
(unintelligible) 


: (unintelligible) 
(unintelligible, screaming) 


: (unintelligible) Mayday, this is (unintelligible) going 
down near (unintelligible) Mayday Mayday Mayday 
(unintelligible) 


(screaming, cut off) 
End of Transcript (loss of on-board power) 


Addendum 556-2: On //198 , an attempt to transfer the paint from 
the interior of SCP-556 to another medium was made. SCP-556 
subsequently [DATA EXPUNGED] within a 200-meter radius. 
Subsequent analysis now shows 217 unique individuals within the 
scene, and coverage of the cabin walls has increased to 91%. 
Further attempts to remove the paint have been suspended pending 
further investigation into the incident. 


Addendum 556-3: On / /199 , aclass-D maintenance worker with 
extensive tattoos over 46% of his body accidentally walked within 
the Red Zone of SCP-556 and was immediately [DATA 
EXPUNGED]. Current figure count within SCP-556 now stands at 
218, with paint over 92% of the cabin walls. Class-D personnel must 
now be screened for body tattoos before being allowed within 
SCP-556's containment area. 


Dr. James: Why are you a sign now? 

SCP-329-J: | dropped my ghooooost liceeeeense! 

Dr. James: Your what? 

SCP-329-J: | can't be a ghoooost without my ghooooost 
liceeeense! 

Dr. James: But how can you even carry a license? 
SCP-329-J: Well | can't noooow! I'm no longer a 
ghooooost! 

Dr. James: I.... but.... what? 


Interview Log 329-J-3: 


Dr. James: We've brought you outside to see if you 
affect traffic in an anomalous way. 

SCP-329-J: It's nippyyyy! Can | have a sweeeattteerr? 
Dr. James: No! For fuck's sake, you're a ghost! You 
don't need a sweater! Shut up! 

SCP-329-J: Yoooouuuu shut uuuup! 

Dr. James: WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ANY SENSE!? 


SCP-4263-J: Googly Eyes 


Item #: SCP-4263-J 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: All instances of SCP-4263-J 
are stored at Site- . Mobile Task Force Eta-29(Retro-Fitters) has 
been formed to search all gag shops, party stores, and craft stores 
for uncontained instances of SCP-4263-J and SCP-4263-1-J. All 
SCP-4263-1-J instances are to be stored in Researcher Ryan's 
quarters." 


Description: SCP-4263-J are crude plastic representations of eyes, 
with abnormally large black pupils that move freely behind a 
transparent plastic shield. 78% of people exposed to this movement 
describe it as "disturbing," "annoying," or "creepy." On most, the 
back is covered by an adhesive gum. 


When two instances of SCP-4263-J are attached to an inanimate 
object (hereafter referred to as SCP-4263-1-J), roughly 90% of 
subjects have perceived said object as a sentient, and in some 
cases, sapient, creature. Regardless of the perceived disposition of 
the SCP-4263-1-J instance, many subjects will express a fascination 
with it, of varying strength, and attempt to ingratiate themselves with 
it. Those more severely affected by this interest will devote large 
amounts of time to both collecting and creating more SCP-4263-1-J 
instances. When questioned, subjects will insist that the creation of 
SCP-4263-1-J is an art form comparable to the Mona Lisa, The 
Thinker, etc. After several years of extensive testing, this hypothesis 
has been proven to be in error. 


Addendum 01: Notable Test Logs 


SCP-4263-J-1: A clock. 
Results: Pupils of SCP-4263-J oscillated in time with the ticking of 
the clock. Overall effect described as "hypnotic." 


SCP-4263-J-1: A sock. 

Results: Unlike most instances of SCP-4263-1-J, result required 
manipulation by a human hand to manifest effect. Subject was 
compelled to relay the apparent thoughts of the instance in a high- 
pitched, cheerful voice. See Interview Log 4263-01. 


SCP-4263-J-1: A rock. 

Results: Subject behaved as though SCP-4263-1-J was a 
domesticated animal of some sort. Demonstrated positive emotional 
growth after being allowed to "take care" of it for several weeks. 
Notes: Massive containment breach instigated by affected 
researcher. Mitigation was partially successful following the 1970's. 
Recontainment efforts are ongoing. All records of 1970-1979 are 
stricken from official Foundation records out of shame. 


Interview Log 4263-01 

In the interval between manifestation and the interview, researchers 
had provided SCP-4263-J, hosted by D-4263-7, with a blonde wig 
and lipstick. Resultant entity identified as "Miss Agatha Williamson 
Chesterfield," and was considered by most subjects who viewed her 
to be "a total knockout." 


Researcher Ryan: Hello, Miss Chesterfield. 
SCP-4263-1-J: Oh, please, doctor! There's no need to 
be so formal! Call me Agatha! Or Aggie! 

(Note that Researcher Ryan appears slightly flustered.) 
Researcher Ryan: Ahem, all right... Aggie. Would you 
mind telling me your goals? 

SCP-4263-1-J: (giggles) You're rather direct, aren't you, 
Mitchell? 

Researcher Ryan: How did you know my- 
SCP-4263-1-J: Oh, a lady never says. 

Researcher Ryan: Ahahah... of course not... (75 
seconds pass) Do you know, Aggie, damnedest thing, 
but | can't quite remember what we brought you in here 
for. 

SCP-4263-1-J: Oh it's quite all right, Mitchell. The 
service so far has been superb. 

(At this point, Researcher Ryan appears to be sweating) 
Researcher Ryan: Well, if there's anything we can do 


for you.. 

SCP-4263-1-J: Actually, there is. My friend here, you 
know him as D-4263-7, was wondering if he could go out 
to get a bite to eat. He's bashful, you see, around 
someone as handsome as you, so he asked me to ask 
for him. 

Researcher Ryan: Oh, b-but that's not possible! The 
rules clearly state- 

SCP-4263-1-J: Please? For me? 

(SCP-4263-1-J leans in and kisses Researcher Ryan on 
the lips for 30 seconds.) 

Researcher Ryan: Yowsa! 

END LOG 


Following this, Researcher Ryan assisted SCP-4263-1-J and 
D-4263-7 in their escape, appearing to be slightly dazed while doing 
so. The two are still at large and have filed down as Persons of 
Interest codename: Bonnie and Clyde." 


Addendum 02: Incident 4263-J-Omega 

On //_ , two instances of SCP-4263-J were attached to a D-class 
posterior. Resulting SCP-4263-J-1 instance was declared a Keter- 
Class entity. Despite this, no effort was made to contain it, with 
several researchers instead electing to create posters and other 
artwork depicting SCP-4263-J-1 and perpetuating a slogan which 
appeared to evolve by memetic consensus: "Can't contain 
this Keter ass."Asof //  , Keter Ass has been successfully 
contained in a pair of sweatpants, rendering the slogan false. 


Footnotes 

1. Personnel questioning the wisdom of allowing a Level 2 
researcher to house multiple cognitohazardous objects in his 
quarters are to be informed that he doesn't have a problem. They 
do. He doesn't care about his SCP-4263-1-J collection at all and he 
can stop making them any time he wants so just get off his back. 


SCP-WTF-J: The Worst 


Item #: SCP-WTF-J 
Object Class: Keter-Ashmedai 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-WTF-d is to be kept ina 
standard containment cell at Armed Provisional Containment Area 
WTF-J-Omega-666 and subjected to Procedure 99-Jericho every 30 
minutes. Failure to properly execute Procedure 99-Jericho will 
invariably result in a ZK-class Reality Failure event. 


Procedure 99-Jericho: This procedure consists of 15 sub- 
procedures, conducted simultaneously in 15 rooms arranged in a 
pentadecagonal array around SCP-WTF-u's containment cell. 


1. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Frigg: 


1. One live chicken! will be fed into a wood chipper. 

2. One 19-year-old woman of Chinese descent will bathe 
in the resulting waste generated by the wood chipper. 

3. The woman will describe the experience of bathing in 
chicken entrails as "a riveting change of pace from the 
ordinary business", then consume three gallons of 
canola oil. 


2. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Ragnarok: 


1. One European conger eel? is to be inserted into the left 
nostril of one 99-year-old man of Uruguayan descent. 

2. The eel is to be subjected to 900 volts of electricity for 
ten seconds. 

3. The man and the eel are to be covered with low-fat 
mayonnaise. 

4. The man-eel-mayonnaise cluster is to be sprinkled with 
crystalline citric acid. 


3. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-lglesias: 


1. [5/WTF-J CLEARANCE REQUIRED] 

2. Once O5-11's colon is completely free of wasps, one 
19-year-old woman of Chinese descent is to comment 
with an emphatic "and how!" 


4. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Bungalow: 
1. Sub-Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Bungalow-Bash: 


1. One carne asada soft taco will be consumed by a 
23-year-old man of Irish descent. 


2. Sub-Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Bungalow-Beesh: 


1. One carne asada hard taco will be consumed by 
a 23-year-old man of Irish descent. 


3. Sub-Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Bungalow-Bersh: 


1. One carne asada soft taco will be consumed by a 
23-year-old man of Norwegian descent. 


4. Sub-Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Bungalow-Bosh: 


1. One carne asada hard taco will be consumed by 
a 23-year-old man of Norwegian descent. 


5. Sub-Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Bungalow-Boosh: 


1. One carne asada soft taco will be consumed by a 
23-year-old mermaid of Canadian descent. 

2. The mermaid will then be fed into a mermaid- 
strength blender, puréed, and fed to the two 
aforementioned Irish and Norwegian men with a 
Riesling on the side. 


1. The Riesling doesn't need to be too fancy, 
screw-top is fine. 


5. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Kostenlos: 


1. One chicken soft taco will be consumed by one 
saltwater crocodile’. 

2. The crocodile will then be fed into a mermaid-strength 
blender, puréed, and slathered all over a 19-year-old 
woman of Chinese descent. 

3. Seventeen 49-year-old men of Italian descent will then 
bind their feet with pig intestines and collectively urinate 
onto one cheeseburger. 

4. The aforementioned cheeseburger will then be fed to a 
different saltwater crocodile. 


6. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Oswego: 


1. Ten 59-year-old women of Irish descent will violently 
assault each other with personal metal detectors for ten 
seconds. 


1. These metal detectors must have been made by 
the Yamaha corporation. 


2. One melanistic leopard+, having been made capable of 
speech, is to break up the fight with a serious talking-to. 

3. One 19-year-old woman of Chinese descent is to 
address the audience directly with the phrase "and 
knowing is half the battle." 


7. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Tampa: 


1. One freshly cloned dodo’ chick is to be submerged into 
a barrel of crude oil from Saudi Arabia until it drowns. 

2. One 42-year-old woman of German descent is to then 
consume the dead dodo chick without using her hands. 

3. One aborted human fetus is to be placed before the 42- 
year-old woman of German descent no less than two 
seconds after the last piece of dodo is consumed. 

4. The 42-year-old woman of German descent is to 
proclaim "no thank you, | have higher standards than 
that and you should know this by now" in no less than 
three different languages. 


8. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Argo: 


1. [5/WTF-J CLEARANCE REQUIRED] 
2. [5/WTF-J CLEARANCE REQUIRED] 
3. [5/WTF-J CLEARANCE REQUIRED] 
4. [5/WTF-J CLEARANCE REQUIRED] 
5. Apply vigorously to the sternum. 


9. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Alfalfa: 


1. One 29-year-old man whose middle name rhymes with 
"Rank" is to slather his ankles in unsalted butter. 

2. The aforementioned ankles are to be amputated and 
incinerated over the carcass of a stillborn calf who was 
conceived on a full moon. 

3. The calf will then be wholly consumed by the 29-year- 
old ankle donor using only a spoon. 


10. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-2337 


1. Cack! Am design containment proceeds! Much 
honorables. Am tricky wicky to be sooth, m'friendflakes. 

2. First we takegather ein saucy tamale, and cack the 
humdingers all the way to Damascus! 

3. Oh yass, my comrades! There will be much Dionysus to 
be sprinkled on the concubines. 

4. Cack! 

5. One Chineasel of 19 womanyears am chappen the 
happenstance, and how! 

6. Gl Joe! 


11. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Humperdinck: 


1. The government of Italy will officially revert to fascism 
for 23 nanoseconds. 

2. Following the end of 99-Jericho-Humperdinck phase 
one, the current Pope will give a thumbs-up gesture and 
remark "glad that's over with." 

3. One 19-year-old woman of Chinese descent will reply to 
the Pope with an emphatic "and how!" 


12. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Magnus: 


1; 


Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. 


2. Place the cream, vanilla bean and its pulp into a 


medium saucepan set over medium-high heat and bring 


to a boil. Remove from the heat, cover and allow to sit 
for 15 minutes. Remove the vanilla bean and reserve for 


another use. 


. Ina medium bowl, whisk together 1/2 cup sugar and the