Scae'nTeron: No, it wouldn't well interact with the ear- 
space continuum flow. Cause clogging, wormholes, all 
sorts of nastiness. Besides, Holy Writs give me the 
heaves. 


Zynnestra: How about Marp? 


Megalocnus: Why does it always got to be Marp with 
you? 


Zynnestra: Name one time Marp didn't work. 


Lamentable Zeal: Well, there was the Great Marp 
Collapse of 84, the Marpian Unification Wars, The 
Marpquake, World War Marp, World War Marp Il- 


Zynnestra: Okay, so maybe there were a few times- 


Lamentable Zeal: -The Marp League fiasco, The Marp 
Peace Resolution, Marp: the Musical, Marp on Ic- 


Zynnestra: Fine, we get it! How about sentry gnolls? 
Megalocnus: Hmm. Yes, that might work. 


Scae'nTeron: Sounds good to me. Everyone knows 
gnolls are reliable. 


Lamentable Zeal: Indeed. Problem solved then. So, 
lunch? 


Zynnestra: Lunch. 
Scae'nTeron: Lunch. 
Megalocnus: Lunch. | know this great Thai place. 


<End Log> 


Closing statement: Contrary to the Council's beliefs, it 
turned out gnolls were not, in fact, reliable. Current death 
toll estimate is in the thousands. 


Dr. : What is a web? 


D-34421-9: It's damn sure not a line. And it's not a circle, 
either. It's a fucking infinite web. 


Dr. : Are you referring to what you saw? You were 
able to see a web? 


D-34421-9: Look why don't you put the damn things in? 
Then you'll understand. Then you'll know. (Incoherent) 


Dr. : Where was this web? 
D-34421-9: (Subject begins to shake) Everywhere. 
Dr. : What do you think it was? 


D-34421-9: (Shaking becomes more violent, security 
called in to assist restraint) 


Dr. : |ask again, what do you think it was? 


D-34421-9: (shouting) It was you. It was me. It was 
everyone in the world. All connected, branching out. Who 
they were, who they will be. And the death of everything 
was there. (calming) The end. Dark. They let me see the 
edges. All the way. So dark. (subject begins to weep) 


Dr. : | don't understand. 


D-34421-9: (sobbing) Pray to God that you never do. 
(subject begins to hyperventilate, sedated) 


<End transcript> 


« SCP-557 | SCP-558 | SCP-559 » 


SCP-0002-J: Toilet Humor 


Item #: SCP-0002-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-0002-J is to be located on 
floor 36 of Site-88 in the high value containment division's 
communal restroom. SCP-0002-J use is to be logged on a clipboard 
which is to be hung on the outside of the stall in which SCP-0002-J 
is located. At least one use of SCP-0002-J must be completed daily. 


Description: SCP-0002-J is a sapient flush toilet located in the high 
value containment division of Site-88. SCP-0002-J is capable of 
textual communication through any wirelessly capable device 
brought into its stall. The device utilized in this manner has a marked 
effect on the speed at which these communications are 
accomplished, with laptops allowing the highest volume of 
communication. 


SCP-0002-J's continued sapience appears to be connected with 
regular use for its original purpose. When left unused for longer than 
a day, SCP-0002-J loses all anomalous properties until such a time 
as it is used again. SCP-0002-J, however, retains knowledge of 
events that occur in its immediate vicinity during such periods. 


SCP-0002-J's anomalous properties were first discovered in March 
of 2016 by site director Dr. Phillip Foster whilst in use. At the time it 
was believed that SCP-0002-J's anomalous properties only 
manifested in the presence of cellular phones, but further testing 
indicated otherwise. Initial testing revealed the remainder of the 
object's anomalous properties. 


The following is a complete log of Dr. Foster's first recorded 
conversation with SCP-0002-J. 


+ Show Textual Communication Log 


Hello? 


Who is this? 


Sorry. First time using one of these. 


Hey, do you think | could write a book 
about my life? 


| don't even know who you are. 


Believe me, I've seen some shit. 


Identification and containment of SCP-0002-J 
was accomplished shortly after this incident. 


SCP-9000.01-J: SKIP SHIP 


Item #: SCP-9000.01-J 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-9000.01-J needs to be 
kept ina 10 m x 10 m x 10 mcell made of 5 m thick walls of pure 
diamond (cuz its even harder than titanium, ha!) but you can let him 
out of his cell to exercise and grab pizza and stuff because you dont 
want to make him mad. if he makes a containment breach get 
researcher James who will stick him back in his cell cuz only he can 
beat SCP-9000.01-J. 


Description: SCP-9000.01-J is a 10 foot 3 m tall humanoid with 
vantablack skin and 4 arms. he always wears a vantablack 
trenchcoat and is super fast and wields 4 vorpal katanas +5 made of 
diamond titanium that can fire beams of any damage type. MTF 
Omega-7 tried to take his katanas away but he killed them all and 
now they're MTF Omega-nothing. He was caught by Researcher 
James and no one else can even get close without getting killed. 
The -J is for James. 


by researcher james (age 11) 


Addendum 9000.01-1: SCP-9000.01-A is also a 3m tall humanoid 
with 4 arms living in the containment cell across from SCP-9000.01- 
J. Her skin is pure glowing white with mystical patterns in seafoam 
all over her skin. Her cell is also made of diamond but also has 
rubies, sapphires, and emeralds. She wears a ballgown made 
completely out of jewels. Her long, perfectly white hair is always 
blowing in the wind and glowing. SCP-9000.01-d is in love with her 
and they are going to get married. She was found by Researcher 
Abigail. The -A is for Abigail. 


by Researcher Abigail (age 10) 


Addendum 9000.01-2: SCP-9000.01-J is a lone wolf with a 
mysterious past and doesnt want a girlfriend. thats stupid. he breaks 
into SCP-9000.01-As cell and torches all your stupid rubies and 
emeralds with lasers he fires from his katanas. 


Addendum 9000.01-3: SCP-9000.01-A's gems all deflect all the 
lasers and she absorbs their power with her super healing magic. 
SCP-9000.01-J realizes this is mean and apologizes. Their children 
are going to be named Hermione and Jaxson and they will rule from 
a diamond castle they build on Site-19. 


Addendum 9000.01-4: Nuh-uh. SCP-9000.01-J breaches 
containment and attacks everyone and burns all Site-19 down, so 
theres no building anymore. im not around to stop it because im on 
vacation at disney world. he also kills SCP-682 and captures 
SCP-458 and eats lava laser pizza with ghost peppers because he 
can and you cant. 


Addendum 9000.01-5: Well, SCP-9000.01-A uses her building 
magic to restore all Site-19 and restores everyone to life even 
SCP-682 who's now really thankful and knows what death is like 
and doesn't want it anymore and agrees to be a force for good and 
becomes SCP-9000.01-A's pet. She regrows everything and now 
Site-19 is rebuilt as a crystal castle but it's not the diamond castle 
yet because they aren't married yet. 


Addendum 9000.01-6: But SCP-9000.01-J grows 10 more arms all 
with extra katanas and then he poops out the lava laser pizza but he 
poops out an army of LAVA LASER BUTT GHOSTS who then 
destroy everything again and cant be stopped because they phase 
through everything like ghosts but ghosts made of laser so they burn 
through everything and everyone and theyre too strong for your 
gems and they all melt and then the ghosts get together and cast 
Protection From Abigail over all Site-19 so it cant be fixed. 


Addendum 9000.01-7: Object Class: Cheater! 
Addendum 9000.01-8: more like Object Class: Better. 


Addendum 9000.01-9: | don't need stupid Site-19 anyway! 
SCP-9000.01-A builds her own site and a whole forest grows around 


it filled with faeries and dragons and SCP-682 becomes a faerie 
dragon and it all becomes immortal like SCP-682 and nothing can 
harm it and it all remains great and beautiful forever and 
SCP-9000.01-J can marry SCP-9000.01-A and live in the immortal 
kingdom of beauty when he apologizes to SCP-9000.01-A and 
SCP-682. 


Addendum 9000.01-10: well if you love SCP-682 so much, why 
dont you marry him? 


Addendum 9000.01-11: But | want to marry you! 


Addendum 9000.01-12: you love me? HA! Abigail and 682 sitting in 
a tree, R-E-D-A-C-T-E-D. 


Addendum 9000.01-13: IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!!!! *runs away* 
Addendum 9000.01-14: SCP-9000.01-J kills SCP-682 again. 


SPC-169-J: The Big One 


Item #: SPC-169 
Object Class: Megalodon 


Shark Punching Contingencies: Due to its immense size, direct 
punching of SPC-169 will prove impractical. As such, Project Ahab 
has been established for the full-scale pugilization of SPC-169. 


Project Ahab consists of simultaneous Dreadnought-class punchery 
from five separate sources in the southern Atlantic Ocean: 


1. Ahab-1 "Fist of Neptune”: 50 satellites currently located in 
stationary orbit over critical points of SPC-169's anatomy. 
These satellites are capable of releasing 100kg tungsten- 
osmium sculptures of fists into Earth's atmosphere, which will 
use the natural acceleration of Earth's gravity to punch 
SPC-169 at terminal velocity. 

2. Ahab-2 "Fist of Triton": Ten volleys of 20 intercontinental 
ballistic missiles modified for shark-punching purposes with 
Kaiju-grade Doomfist tips. 

3. Ahab-3 "Fist of Calypso": Two-stage operation in which 
Megara-277EA92R (a van-sized asteroid in an L4 orbit around 
the Earth) is 1. implanted with several boxing gloves, and 2. 
magnetized directly onto SPC-169. 

4. Ahab-4 "Fist of Cthulhu": 500 modified drilling rigs will be 
installed on the exterior of SPC-169 for the purpose of 
applying continuous punching action over the course of 
several years. 

5. Ahab-5 "Fist of Nemo": [DATA EXPUNGED] will be trained 
in bareknuckle boxing techniques and summoned to challenge 
SPC-169 to fisticuffs. 


Description: SPC-169 is the largest shark ever encountered by the 
Shark Punching Center, believed to be between 2,000 and 8,000 km 
in length. Radar analysis has detected a hardened outer carapace, 


indications of a state of dormancy, and, unfortunately, a complete 
lack of exterior indications of punching. SPC-169 is believed to have 
existed since the Pre-Cambrian era. Due to the ethical ramifications 
of a shark having remained unpunched for that long, Project Ahab is 
to be executed as soon as possible. 


Addendum 1 - Shark Identification Discrepancies: 
<Begin Log> 


Dr. Swayze: Sir, we have reason to believe that 
SPC-169 is not a shark. 


Administrator: Explain. 


Dr. Swayze: SPC-169 has an exoskeleton, as well as 
multiple sets of limbs and feelers. In truth, | believe 
SPC-169 is a very large arthropod. 


Administrator: Interesting. Tell me, is SPC-169 located 
in the ocean? 


Dr. Swayze: Yes. 
Administrator: Is it larger than a dolphin? 
Dr. Swayze: [Audible sigh] Yes. 


Administrator: Does it have lots of pointy parts that 
could potentially be dangerous? Then it's a shark! This is 
entry-level sharkspotting; you really should know better 
at this point. 


Dr. Swayze: Sir, with all due respect: by that logic, 
sperm whales, orcas, and narwhals could also be called 
"sharks". 


Administrator: ...oh God, no. 
<End Log> 


Following this meeting, an emergency initiative was established for 


the investigation and immediate punching of SPC-170 ("Moby Dick 
Sharks"), SPC-171 ("Free Willy Sharks"), and SPC-172 ("Sword 
Sharks?!"). 


Addendum 2 - Ethics Committee Review: 
<Begin Log> 


Dr. Balboa: We've been going over the agenda for 
Project Ahab, and | think we need to step up the lethality. 


Administrator: On what grounds? 


Dr. Balboa: If we were to punch this... shark, and we did 
not kill it, I'm fairly certain its enraged awakening would 
potentially cause irreversible damage to human 
civilization. 


Administrator: But would it be punched? 


Dr. Balboa: The human race would go extinct, but yes, 
SPC-169 would be punched. 


Administrator: Look, whatever the fine print says, our 
job is done once the fist is in the shark's bitch face. 
Forgive me if | fail to see how the most punchable shark 
in our organization's history is generating so much 
nitpicking. 


<End Log> 


SCP-042-J: Billions of Anomalous Pillows 


Item #: SCP-042-J 
Object Class: Euclid Neutralized Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: Due to the nature of the 
phenomenon, SCP-042-J cannot be contained, but an ongoing effort 
by Foundation field agents to destroy every pillow on Earth has been 
very effective useless in curbing the phenomenon. 


Description: SCP-042-J is a visual spacetime anomaly observed in 
100% of tested pillows, regardless of the method or time of 
construction. Test subjects with only one eye appear to be immune 
to its effects. 


The anomaly occurs when a test subject lays their head on a pillow 
and closes one eye, then switches eyes. SCP-042-J appears to 
teleport the pillow to a slightly different location relative to the 
previously observed position. To an outside observer, the pillow 
does not appear to move at all, an obvious indication of psychic 
projection by the pillow something. A slight "crossing" of the eyes 
makes it apparent that the pillow exists in two points in spacetime 
simultaneously; how it does this is creepy as hell unknown. 


Timeline: 


4/24/1992: Now-deceased comedian George Carlin references the 
anomaly at a show at the Paramount Theater in New York. It is 
unknown how Carlin initially discovered the anomaly. A transcript 
follows: 


Like when you have your head on a pillow... did you ever 
notice when you have your head on a pillow, if you close 
the bottom eye, the pillow is down there, then if you 
switch eyes, the pillow moves up there? "Whoa, holy shit 
Dave! Look at this! The mystery of the moving pillow..." 


11/10/1992: Carlin's show from April 24th is released on HBO, titled 
Jammin’ in New York. The anomaly instantly begins to manifest 
itself across the United States. Dr. theorizes that Carlin is "a host 
spreading the parasite, or an alien or some shit." 


11/11/1992: Mobile Task Force Pi-1 ("City Slickers") is deployed and 
Carlin is apprehended and brought to Site-28 for interrogation. 
Carlin was highly uncooperative and was released after 
autographing Dr. __'s lab coat and receiving a Class-C amnestic. 


11/14/1992: SCP status assigned after Dr. spent a full night 
observing the anomaly. Research on SCP-042-J begins in earnest. 


11/15/1992: Seventeen (17) D-Class personnel were used as test 
subjects. All subjects confirmed that they saw the phenomenon, with 
the most common response being that SCP-042-J was "weird as 
shit." 


11/17/1992: Dr. resigns citing not having been able to sleep 
since the phenomenon was first detected. Dr. takes over as 
project head. 


11/18/1992: D-33023 is apparently immune to the effects of 
SCP-042-J, by way of having lost an eye while performing 
[REDACTED]. Further investigation using D-33023 is approved. 


Ewwww, how did he even..? -Dr. 


11/20/1992: It is decided by Dr. that between the fact that all 
pillows seem to exhibit this anomaly and the sheer number of pillows 
on Earth, SCP-042-J has a high likelihood of being malicious, and a 
pre-emptive plan of attack is necessary. Requesting reclassification 
to Keter. 


Denied. -O5- 


11/21/1992: Requesting parameter modification to Euclid-D to better 
protect the populace. 


Approved. Destroy, destroy, destroy. God help us all. -O5- 


11/22/1992: Given the success of testing with D-33023, Mobile Task 


SCP-559: Birthday Time! 


Item #: SCP-559 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-559 is to be stored 
appropriately for any object it has taken the form of, within a secure 
safe containing three (3) other baked items inaccessible to those 
below Level 3 security clearance. Usage of SCP-559 is only to be 
done under the supervision of Level 4 or higher personnel with prior 
approval.