Twobit: Oh my god, I'm going to double jail. 
Mearns: Quite the opposite, if you accept my 
offer. 

Twobit: That's a first. 

Mearns: Surely you're aware the paint you 
used in tonight's broadcast is not normal paint. 
Mearns: | want full disclosure on where and 
how you obtained the paint. 

Twobit: ...And in exchange? 

Mearns: You walk free. No charges, no 
record. 

Twobit: S- 

Mearns: Your video will be removed, and the 
wall painted over again- 

Twobit: Aw, but it was so funny. 


Mearns: -however, the rest of my branch will 
not be notified of tonight's antic. You are free 
to paint as many sixty-nines as you wish under 
the cover of night. With normal paint, of 
course. 

Twobit: ...like | don't all the time. 

Twobit: Fine. Like | haven't been to jail before. 
You know? But this place gives me the fucking 
creeps. Fucking. Double jail. 

Mearns: If | may take your statement now... 
Twobit: Yeah, so, | go to my usual, 
[REDACTED] store over on and street. 
Old guy I've never seen greets me, | don't 
think much of it, | figure, new employee. 
Mearns: What did he look like? 

Twobit: Um, fuck. Bald at the top, not bald at 
the sides. Liver spots. Kinda round? If that 
makes sense. Big glasses. 

Twobit: He tells me I've been, uh, randomly 
selected from a list of frequent customers, to 
use 's new paint. Free test. 

Mearns: And you, again, think nothing of this? 
Twobit: Free paint, my good bitch. 

Twobit: Anyway, statement. 

Mearns: Yes? 

Twobit: Yeah, the rest is a given, | think. Went 
home, got ready, snuck into , got busted. 
Been fighting with you guys for that spot for 
years, got caught in it a few times, it's always 
special when | go there so | thought I'd stream 
it. 

Mearns: Thank you for your time, miss N 
Twobit: Yeah, thanks for the water. 


N_ was released without amnestics and placed under covert 
Foundation surveillance, in hopes that the contact who provided her 
with SCP-3469 (temporarily designated Pol-60249) approaches her 
again. 


Addendum 3469-1: 


The following interview was extracted from the January 2019 edition 
of the magazine ArtWar(t), a "zine" edited and curated by a German 
anart group under surveillance by the Foundation. Following an 
investigation by Agent Mearls, it is believed that the person named 
Darn See in the interview is Pol-60249. 


Show Transcript Log 3469-1 


The years have barely taken their toll on Darn 
See. He surveys the interview room like a 
hawk - and me. | try my best to stay composed 
in the face of an anart giant as him. 

ME: Mister See, you've been around in the 
anart community- 

SEE: Mhm. 

ME: But it seems that your latest paint has 
caught on like nothing you've made before. 
People are using it in LA, in Bristol, in Ciudad 
de Mexico, in Tokyo!! What do you think of 
this, this trend? 

SEE: Trend. That's what | want. | just wanted 
something to catch on quick. Something for all 
of you to grab onto. Every other group I've 
been with, they all fall apart. You all fight, you 
fling shit at each other. you sue for copyright. 
This time, I'm making the whole world my 
group. 

ME: Your art exhibition in- 

SEE: It's not art. 

ME: Excuse me? 

SEE: Excused. But just this once. 

| pause. 

ME: This piece you made in 2008, the 
"Horrendous Gioconda"... 

SEE: What was it like? 

ME: Um. It's the one with the, the Mona Lisa 
but it makes the viewer grow cat- 

SEE: | love cats. Do you like cats? 

ME: Yes. 

SEE: Nice. Fucking hate dog people. 


See sits back on his chair and takes a sip of 
water. 

SEE: Fuck dog people. 

ME: Why sixty-nine? 

SEE: Nice! 

Without another word, See gets up from his 
chair and walks out of the room, leaving me in 
bewildered silence. | have no idea whether or 
not he'll do a second interview next month as 
he had promised, but he did tell us to keep an 
eye out for his upcoming work. I, for one, am 
very excited for it. 


Incident Report 3469: 


On 06/09/2019, a wave of SCP-3469 spontaneously manifested in 
the form of a tidal wave in the beach of N_ , France. The wave 
engulfed the city, currently under emergency evacuation due to an 
unrelated outbreak of SCP-__. Upon the wave settling, the buildings 
of N reassembled themselves by dragging their foundations along 
the ground across the course of four hours. When the buildings had 
settled, a reconnaissance helicopter revealed that the buildings of 

N now portrayed the number 69 when viewed aerially. 20 minutes 
later, a video was uploaded to the anart site .onion, featuring 
Pol-60249 as recorded by an unknown cameraman. 


Show Transcript Log 3469-2 


0:00: The tidal wave of SCP-3469 can be seen 
approaching the city from atop a view from one 
of the buildings. 

0:08: The camera zooms into and focuses on 
Pol-60249, as he rides the tidal wave's crest 
on a surfboard, seemingly unaffected by 
SCP-3469. 

0:27: The camera is engulfed by the tidal 
wave. 

0:49: The camera regains visibility, revealing a 
floor-level view of N_, France. The buildings 
around the camera rumble loudly. Pol-60249 
and his surfboard appear unharmed as they 


walk towards the camera. 

0:58: Pol-60249 helps the cameraman to their 
feet. 

1:03: CAMERA: See! Is there anything you'd 
like to say for the camera? 

1:09: Pol-60249: Nice. 


Footnotes 
1. These claims range from unverified to verified and suppressed. 
Further manifestations have been observed in Rio de Janeiro and 
Singapore. 


SCP-3470: Harry Potter's Revenge 


Item #: SCP-3470 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: The dissected SCP-3470 egg 
and three unhatched SCP-3470 eggs are in cold storage in Site-42. 
Mobile Task Force Lambda-12 ("Pest Control") is currently 
monitoring the area around Cibola National Park for signs of 
continued SCP-3470 habitation. 


Description: SCP-3470 is a predatory organism that relies on 
aggressive mimicry to hunt human beings. Specifically, SCP-3470 
resembles a Ford Anglia 105E of unclear age with a single occupant 
in the driver's seat. SCP-3470's most noticeable trait is related to the 
driver: although the windshield is perpetually fogged in such a way 
that the face of the driver is obscured, when hunting prey, SCP-3470 
will extend the driver's left hand outside of the vehicle and make 
driving signals. There are two human eyes embedded in the palm, 
and they appear to react and work in the same way as normal 
human eyes. 


SCP-3470 hunts only at night in a manner similar to ambush 
predators; it patrols roadways in its territory looking for solitary cars. 
When SCP-3470 identifies a potential prey, it will catch up to them, 
pass them, and then force them to slow down and stop with hand 
gestures. Just before attacking, SCP-3470 will rotate the hand so 
that human drivers can see its palm. However, SCP-3470's method 
of attack and consumption is still unknown. 


SCP-3470's territory overlaps part of Cibola National Forest in New 
Mexico. Numerous reports were compiled of automobiles found still 
running with their occupants having gone missing. All such reports 
mentioned the same tire tracks and blue paint specks on trees near 
the missing persons' cars. Two police officers dispatched to 
investigate the area disappeared in a similar manner; however, they 


were in radio contact with other officers at the time of their 
disappearance, and their description of SCP-3470, particularly the 
hand of its driver, attracted the Foundation's attention. 


Addendum: Investigation and Recovery Logs 
+ D-Class Investigation Log 


Two D-Class personnel, D-01828 (henceforth 
D-01) and D-13372 (henceforth D-13) were 
dispatched at dusk in a standard issue off-road 
vehicle to investigate SCP-3470 and, if found, 
prime it for tracking by Mobile Task Force 
personnel. The vehicle was equipped with a 
rear and dash camera. D-01828 and D-17372 
were both armed with piercing rounds modified 
to include GPS beacons to track SCP-3470. 


[BEGIN LOG] 


Command: Status check. How are you guys 
doing, over? 


D-01: | dunno. Hot, bored, over. 


D-13: Sweaty and thirsty as hell - jeez, it gets 
really dark out here doesn't it? Over. 


D-01: Yeah. But hey, check it out though. I've 
never seen that many stars before. Over. 


D-13: That's pretty cool. You know any of the 
constellations, over? 


D-01: Nah. Space was never my thing, over. 
You? 


Command: You don't need to say ‘over’ at the 
end of every sentence, just when you're 
finished communicating. Like so, over. 


D-01: Yeah but it's fun. Makes me feel like a 


trucker. Over. 


D-13: Haha, yeah. Fuckin’... ten-four, good 
buddy. Over. 


D-01: Fuck yeah, ten-four. Uh, over. 


There is a light thumping sound, most likely a 
fist bump. 


D-13: Okay, okay, okay. Let's make some up - 
constellations, | mean. You see that one 
there? Looks a bit like a pig? 


D-01: Eh... sort of, | guess. If | squint, yeah. 
D-13: | call it ‘Police’. 


D-01: Pffft. Okay, okay, uh... oh, shit, look. 
Over there, you see it? 


D-13: Which? 


D-01: No, uh, | mean on the ground. Over 
there! Headlights. Uh, over. 


In the distance, a car's lights can be seen. The 
car is moving west, perpendicularly to the D- 
Class' vehicle. As the D-Class get closer, the 
car turns north so that it is driving along the 
same road as the D-Class. 


Command: Follow that vehicle. Get closer to 
it, over. D-13, get ready to shoot the vehicle if 
necessary. 


D-13: Uh, okay. Got it. Over. 


The D-Class accelerate to catch up to the 
unidentified vehicle, which in turn appears to 
be slowing down. As it gets closer, the D- 
Class' headlights illuminate the vehicle 


properly: a turquoise-colored Ford Anglia 
without a license plate. The Ford's windows 
are transparent, and only one occupant, the 
driver, appears to be inside. 


D-13: Hey. This is the car from Harry Potter, 
right? Over. 


D-01: Holy crap, you're right. Hey. Command. 
Uh, so | know you guys are tight asses, but 
come on. Voldemort isn't gonna defeat 
himself, you know. Over. 


D-13 chuckles. At the same time, the Ford 
stops suddenly about twenty meters away 
from the D-Class, forcing D-01 to brake 
sharply. 


D-13: Jesus! 


D-01: What the fuck! Hey! Learn to drive, you 
junkyard dog! 


D-13:... Junkyard dog? 


A hand extends from the Ford's driver-side 
window and makes the stop hand signal. 


D-13: Bit late for that, isn't it? 


The hand rotates, showing a pair of human 
eyes embedded into the palm. The eyes blink 
once. 


D-01: Jesus Christ! 
Command: That's the anomaly! Tag it! 


SCP-3470 reverses. D-01 puts the car into 
reverse and begins accelerating backwards. 
D-13 leans out of the window and begins 
shooting at the anomaly, but his aim is 


is indestructible- rather, when approached with the intent of 
dismantling, object will retaliate by opening up (without any cranking 
or music) and relentlessly attacking the approaching person with 
what appears to be a red boxing glove on the end of a long, rigid 
metal spring. The glove itself has been recorded to be able to reach 
speeds up to 235 kph. Attempts to damage it from outside its area of 
influence with long-ranged weaponry results in [DATA EXPUNGED] 


« SCP-447 | SCP-448 | SCP-449 » 


hampered by the bumpiness of the road. 
SCP-3470's hand remains outside the car 
window, making a stop gesture. 


Command: Slow down! D-13 can't aim 
properly! 


D-01: Like hell I'm slowing down! 
D-13: Do not slow down! Do not slow down! 


After two minutes of pursuit, D-13 is able to hit 
SCP-3470 twice. The anomaly emits a loud 
screech similar to that of a car performing a 
power brake and slows down. D-01 does not 
slow down, but after several minutes 
SCP-3470's lights disappear from view. Two 
minutes after that, D-01 stops, turns the 
vehicle around, puts it into drive, and drives 
the vehicle normally back to base. Neither 
individual speaks for the entirety of the return 
trip. 


Following the successful tagging of SCP-3470, the beacons showed 
that it followed a pattern of movement consistent with that of a 
carnivore foraging within its territory. Additionally, SCP-3470 was 
noted to consistently return to the same location and remain there 
while the sun was up; this location was presumed to be its nest. 
Mobile Task Force Lambda-12 was dispatched to investigate. 


+ Lambda-12 Investigation Log 
[BEGIN LOG] 


Lambda-12 arrives at SCP-3470's nest, a 
small cave in a forest near where D-01 and 
D-13 encountered the anomaly, around dusk. 
The task force quickly establishes 
reconnaissance positions in the surrounding 
trees. As the sun begins to set, SCP-3470 
exits the cave. Lambda-12 confirms via the 


tracking beacons that it has begun foraging. 
While L5 and L6 remain on watch outside, 
members L1 through L4 proceed into the nest. 
L171 is equipped with a flamethrower; L2 with a 
net launcher; L3 with a tranquilizer rifle; L4 
with a standard-issue light machine gun. 


L1: Steady boys. Lord only knows what's 
hiding down here. Finger on the safeties. 


L3: Smells like shit and diesel. What the fuck 
is this thing been eating? 


L2: Take a gander. I'm more worried about 
these walls. Sure don't look natural. 


The cave walls are relatively smooth rock; 
however, there are noticeable imprints running 
along their length. 


L4: If | didn't know better, I'd say they looked 
like... Oh. 


L3: Oh? Oh what? 

L4: Like tire tracks. 

L3: Oh. 

L2: Ain't that just peachy. 


Lambda-12 continues to advance. The 
passageway slopes gradually downwards and 
then opens up into a larger cavern. The walls 
bear the same imprints. 


L4: Boy. I'm sweating like a pig. 


L3: Tell me about it. Goddamn it's humid down 
here. 


L1: Focus. You see anything suspicious? 


L2: Think so. Way in the back. You see it? 
That shiny thing - it's reflecting my flashlight. 


Lambda-12 approaches the object. However, 
as they do, L3 steps in a scat pile. 


L3: Motherfucker. | think | just stepped in its 
shit. 


L1: Shine your torch on it. Let's see what this 
thing's been eating. 


L3 shines his flashlight on the pile, which 
is dark black in color. Several small white 
fragments are poking out of it. 


L2: God almighty. Are those... 
L4: Human bones. Christ. 


L3: That's not all... ah, fuck, | think this is a 
cop's badge. 


L1: Scoop it into a biohazard bag and let's 
keep going. 


L3 collects a sample of the scat. Lambda-12 
continues through the cave until coming upon 
the object initially spotted by L2. The object is 
revealed to be a clutch of approximately ten 
translucent eggs, inside which small 
quadrupedal organisms can be seen moving. 


L2: Aw hell. It's breeding. 


L1: Right. You know the drill. Grab half of 
them. 


The Lambda-12 operatives proceed to store 
five eggs in their biohazard containment units, 
then L1 incinerates the rest of the clutch with 
his flamethrower. They then turn to leave. 


SCP-3470 comes into view at the mouth of the 
cave. 


L3: Oh fuck. 


L1: Command? SCP-3470 has returned and is 
blocking the mouth of the cave. 


L4: It's revving at us... 
L2: | refuse to be killed by a goddamn Ford. 


L1: Stay calm boys. God as my witness, all 
four of us are walking out of here with a story 
to tell. Safeties off. Shoot some tranquilizers at 
it, see if you can knock it out. 


At that moment, SCP-3470's hand appears 
from the driver's side window and blinks 
repeatedly at the squad. L3 fires repeatedly at 
the hand, emptying the rifle's magazine. One 
of the darts strikes SCP-3470's right eye. The 
entity emits the same peeling out sound as 
before and then reverses out of the cave. 


L1: Well then. Let's get these samples back to 
base and then come back to nab the bugger. 


L3: Hey. Wait. | just realized something... 
L2: | don't like the sound of that. 


L3: SCP-3470 is supposed to be, uh, 
turquoise, right? That one was black. 


L1: Hellfire.