Statement: "Forcible ejection from SCP-1459." 

Result: SCP-1459 appeared to ignore this statement, as if unaware 
of its classification as SCP-1459. Second test performed with 
SCP-1459 referred to as "Win A Cookie Crane Machine" resulted in 
same outcome. Reason hypothesized to be due to the impenetrable 
nature of SCP-1459. 


Player: Dr. Sterling 

Statement: "Freedom." 

Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method 
had already been attempted. 


Player: Dr. Sterling 

Statement: "All previous methods simultaneously." 

Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method 
had already been attempted, and continued playing for 4 hours 25 
minutes. 


Player: Dr. 

Statement: "Methamphetamine." 

Result: A nozzle extends from the top hatch, and begins exuding 
pale grey smoke in copious amounts. SCP-1459-1 begins appearing 
agitated at around the five minute mark, also seems to have 
difficulty breathing. As the smoke fills the chamber completely, 
SCP-1459-1 displays signs of distress and pain, before suffering a 
seizure roughly ten minutes into the test. At roughly fifteen minutes, 
visibility within SCP-1459 is reduced, though SCP-1459-1 is still 
visible, wandering the interior of SCP-1459 in an irregular circle. 
Two minutes later with visibility near zero, a dull thud is heard and 
SCP-1459 begins self-cleaning procedure. Cause of death 
hypothesized to be either stroke or heart failure, based on known 
overdose symptoms. 

Note: Cookie contained clear blue shards of an unknown material 
testing later showed to simply be blue raspberry rock candy. 


Player: Dr. Ford 

Statement: "Volcano." 

Result: The top hatch opens. After about 5 minutes molten lava is 
dispensed and falls onto SCP-1459-1, burying it completely. After a 
few seconds of sizzling the lava is dumped into the bottom chute. 
Note: Cookie was chocolate with hot fudge filling. 


Player: Dr. Trend 

Statement: "Professional wrestling.” 

Result: Another instance of SCP-1459-1, wearing a tight-fitting 
outfit, was dispensed. The second SCP-1459-1 instance proceeded 
to grab the original SCP-1459-1 instance and toss the instance 
head-first on to the ground, in a similar fashion to a "suplex" 
technique, presumably snapping the neck of the SCP-1459-1 
instance. The second instance was terminated via the default 
bludgeoning method. 


Player: Dr. Skial 

Statement: "Digested." 

Result: Another, larger instance of SCP-1459-1 was dispensed. It 
proceeded to pick up the original SCP-1459-1 and swallow it. After 
about 30 minutes the second instance excreted waste, which had 
bone fragments lining the surface. The second instance was 
terminated via the default bludgeoning method. 

Note: Cookie was double chocolate flavored. 


Player: Dr. 
Statement: "Irony." 
Result: The top hatch opens. After 15 minutes, a metallic tray, 
approximately .5m x .75m x .01m in dimension, holding one dozen 
chocolate chip cookies is lowered and set before SCP-1459-1 by 
two arms. After an additional 3 minutes, instance of SCP-1459-1 
proceeds to ingest cookies vigorously. SCP-1459-1 ingests five 
cookies within 2 minutes, then [REDACTED]. SCP-1459-1 
proceeded to combust and was rapidly incinerated. Deceased 
SCP-1459-1, remaining three cookies, tray and [REDACTED]. 
Note: Awarded cookie was chocolate chip. Extensive testing of 
cookie found no anomalous or aberrant toxins or substances except 
mg more magnesium than typical of chocolate chip cookies 
dispensed by SCP-1459. 


Player: Dr. Black 

Statement: "Infinite regress." 

Result: A miniature replica of SCP-1459 falls from the top hatch, 
crushing the SCP-1459-1 instance. A replica of the SCP-1459-1 
instance is placed within the SCP-1459 replica via a metal arm. A 
miniature replica of the replica of SCP-1459 falls from the top hatch 
of the SCP-1459 replica, crushing the SCP-1459-1 replica. This 
process is repeated until the SCP-1459 replicas become too small to 
observe. 

Note: Cookie was dispensed after 35 days. 


Player: Dr. Walker 

Statement: "Retroactive cessation of existence." 

Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method 
had already been attempted. 

Note: Despite the indication that this method had already been 
attempted, SCP-1459 dispensed a plain cookie. 


Player: Dr. Milo 

Statement: "Euthanasia roller coaster." 

Result: Standard roller coaster track similar in appearance to the 
original roller coaster experiment, but of slightly larger width, 
constructed leading 45° upwards into the ceiling trap door. 
Approximately ninety minutes later, the ceiling hole expanded. Track 
at a slightly downward-sloping angle, facing the opposite direction 
as the original, was constructed leading directly into the front 
viewing window, presumably somehow contiguous with the initial 
portion. SCP-1459-1 instance picked up and deposited into a roller 
coaster car, which immediately began to ascend along the track ata 
steady pace into the ceiling hole. Twelve minutes later, the cart and 
SCP-1459-1 were observed to coast back down the other visible 
track portion and gently bump into the window, halting the cart. 
SCP-1459-1 retrieved by a robotic arm, deceased. 

Notes: Track was dismantled, while the clean-up devices did not 
appear. Message played as usual. 


Player: Dr. Milo 

Statement: "Supernova." 

Result: After a two-minute pause, SCP-1459-1 deposited as usual. 
lt was then bludgeoned by robotic arms wielding an electric guitar 


(subsequently identified as an Epiphone Supernova model) and a 
synthesizer keyboard (subsequently identified as a Novation 
Supernova model), after which the robotic arms shot it several times 
with a shotgun (Subsequently identified as a Benelli Supernova 
model). 

Notes: Rather than cookie, 80g of radioactive ash was dispensed. 
Dr. Milo reassigned to paperwork, and to mandatory astronomy 
education. 


Player: Dr. Villmow 

Statement: "Not a dog; bludgeoning." 

Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method 
had already been attempted. 


Player: Dr. Aeslinger, Psy.D. 

Statement: "Um...what?" 

Result: SCP-1459-1 was dispensed with a collar flashing the 
following messages at the player: 


1. "Take one puppy." Message was visible for approximately 4 
seconds as SCP-1459-1 ambled around inside SCP-1459. 

2. "State method of destruction." Message was visible for 
approximately 6 seconds while SCP-1459 played a looped 
sample of Dr. Aeslinger saying "Um...what?" 

3. "Puppy is then destroyed according to specified 
requirements." Message was visible for approximately 5 
seconds before SCP-1459-1 was forcibly liquefied. Collar 
remained both untouched and functional, and uncovered by 
liquefied remains. 

4. "COOKIE!" Message was visible for approximately 2 seconds 
before collar stopped displaying messages altogether and a 
cookie was dispensed as usual. 


Note: Dr. Aeslinger was not aware of SCP-1459's nature and in fact 
was not scheduled to be in Sector-25 at all. Cookie dispensed was 
raspberry surprise. 


Player: Dr. Snider 

Statement: "Black hole." 

Result: SCP-1459's arms spent approx. 19 hours constructing what 
appeared to be a miniature cyclic particle accelerator. Once 


completed, an instance of SCP-1459-1 (teacup chihuahua) was 
dispensed in the center. The particle accelerator activated, shaking 
violently for several minutes before bursting open at one end, 
revealing a marble-sized black hole, the gravitational pull of which 
proceeded to draw in and crush the remains of the accelerator. 
SCP-1459-1 itself was quickly pulled towards the black hole before 
slowing down and appearing to "freeze" in place, with visible 
evidence of spaghettification on its ears and muzzle. SCP-1459-1's 
body slowly red-shifted to solid black before fading to complete 
invisibility over the course of 23 minutes. Black hole immediately 
dissipated afterwards. SCP-1459's main components were 
undamaged. 

Notes: Cookie dispensed was made with pure, unsweetened dark 
chocolate (100% cocoa solids). 


Player: Dr. Snider 

Statement: "Unfunny Jokes" 

Result: Window to SCP-1459's chamber was immediately covered 
by a pair of red curtains. Approx. 15 minutes later, curtains were 
drawn to reveal instance of SCP-1459-1 (Pembroke Welsh Corgi) 
standing on a miniature stage with a microphone stand and red brick 
backdrop lit with a single spotlight. SCP-1459-1 wore only a large, 
red-and-green bow tie. SCP-1459-1 barked three times into the 
microphone, then paused and looked around the chamber, as if 
awaiting a response. Sounds of jeering and booing are heard, 
followed by several mechanical arms rising up from the floor and 
hurling what appear to be tomatoes at SCP-1459-1 in rapid 
succession, quickly pelting it to death. More tomatoes were thrown 
until SCP-1459-1's body was completely obscured. Corpse was 
quickly disposed of via a mechanical arm wielding a shepherd's 
crook. 

Notes: Ending message was changed to "that's the way the cookie 
crumbles". Small pile of cookie crumbs dispensed afterwards. 


Player: Dr. Snider 

Statement: "Go to hell." 

Result: Instance of SCP-1459-1 (indeterminate breed) released as 
normal. Entire chamber glowed a deep red, followed by small flames 
erupting along edge of windows. Second instance of SCP-1459-1 
appeared from side of chamber, much larger in size than the first 


instance, with a skeletal body and three heads, each wearing an 
elastic headband with small plastic "devil" horns. Second instance 
barks six times, one head barking twice after the other. A trapdoor 
immediately opens up underneath first instance of SCP-1459-1, 
sending it plummeting out of sight with a frightened whine. A plume 
of flames erupts from the trapdoor for six seconds before shutting. 
Second instance of SCP-1459-1 was killed afterwards as the 
chamber's light shifted from red to blue and the flames went out. 
Temperatures within SCP-1459 dropped below freezing as 
remaining SCP-1459-1 froze to death over the course of six 
seconds, shattered via hammer once completely frozen. 

Note: Cookie dispensed was Fig Newton. Although not displaying 
any anomalous or dangerous properties, Dr. Snider reported that Fig 
Newtons are his least favorite kind of cookie. 


Player: Dr. Selvece 

Statement: "Something incomprehensible." 

Result: A pair of mechanical hands emerged from the roof of 
SCP-1459, carrying a copy of Finnegans' Wake by James Joyce; 
said copy was then used to beat the instance of SCP-1459-1 to 
death. 


Player: Dr. Snider 

Statement: "Dubstep." 

Result: Two speakers with no cables attached are lowered from the 
top by mechanical arms, and put on the back side of the chamber. 
After the mechanical arms retracted to the roof, the speakers started 
playing music, identified as dubstep music, with volume gradually 
increasing. After 20 seconds, Dr. Snider was given protective 
headphones. It is hypothesized that the volume inside the chamber 
was an approximate 15 dB before the instance of SCP-1459-1 
deceased, presumably from internal bleeding. 

Note: A cookie with popping candy was disposed. 


Player: Dr. Snider 

Statement: "Stretch." 

Result: SCP-1459 played the sound effect indicating the method 
had been previously used. 


Player: Dr. Snider 
Statement: "Photoshop." 


Result: Multiple mechanical arms started to make numerous 
surgical modifications to the SCP-1459-1 instance (such as 
removing a leg and attaching it to its back), until the instance died of 
blood loss. 

Note: A cookie with four different ingredients on four sides was 
dispensed. 


Player: Dr. Snider 

Statement: "Kittenpocalypse." 

Results: A currently unknown number of juvenile domestic felines 
(Felis catus) were disposed from the roof of SCP-1459, which 
attacked the SCP-1459-1 instance until it deceased. The rest of the 
felines were disposed of via a trapdoor, and unwilling felines were 
killed via SCP-1459's default bludgeoning method. 

Note: A short beep sound was played during the ending sequence. 


Player: Dr. Shiro 

Statement: "Crushed by a triceratops ridden by Ayn Rand shouting 
quotes from Atlas Shrugged, Also Sprach Zarathustra and The 
Critique of Pure Reason." 

Result: SCP-1459 played the sound effect indicating the method 
had been previously used. 


Player: Dr. Shiro 

Statement: "The dawn of a new age." 

Result: A 2" x 8" x 18" black stone was lowered into the chamber 
along with several SCP-1459-1 instances. SCP-1459-1 instances 
split into 2 groups, one gathering around the stone and the others 
grouping in the far side of the chamber. Instances gathered around 
the stone spend several minutes observing it before attacking and 
killing the members of the other group. Surviving SCP-1459-1 
instances are killed via the default bludgeoning method. 

Note: Ending message changed to "So much for enlightenment". 
Fudge brownie with dimensions of .5" x 2" x 4.5" containing walnuts 
dispensed. 


Player: Dr. Heikkila 

Statement: "Something that | would find funny." 

Result: SCP-1459 slowly lowered an instance of SCP-1459-1 
wearing a miniature Christmas sweater to the tune of the theme of 
the 1984 film Terminator. After approximately half a minute, a 


mechanical hand lowered a jar filled with what were tentatively 
identified as driver ants (Dorylus). The hand then smashed the jar 
on the chamber floor in front of SCP-1459-1. The ants began to bite 
and tear at SCP-1459-1, which attempted to escape the chamber. 
After 2 minutes of this, SCP-1459-1 collapsed, twitching. A spiked 
bowling ball then fell on SCP-1459-1's skull, crushing it. The bowling 
ball then exploded in fireworks. The remains of SCP-1459-1 and the 
ants were then swept up in a dustpan with a miniature broom while a 
sound bite of the death noise from the video game Super Mario 
Brothers 3 played. Confetti then rained from the ceiling of 
SCP-1459, and the sound of a party-blower played. During all of 
this, Dr. Heikkila was chuckling softly to himself. 

Note: The cookie was dispensed with a note taped on it that read "I 
know you don't like cookies". The cookie was tested for any 
anomalous properties, but none have been identified. Dr. Heikkila 
has been ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation. 


Player: Dr. Muse 

Statement: "The Apocalypse." 

Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method 
had already been attempted. 


Player: Dr. Muse 

Statement: "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." 

Result: A sound played from SCP-1459 indicating that this method 
had already been attempted. 


Player: Dr. Muse 

Statement: "The wrath of God." 

Result: SCP-1459-1 struck by a bolt of lightning from within 
SCP-1459 and instantly killed. 

Note: Dr. Muse took a brief respite for his sight and hearing to 
recover before continuing. 


Player: Dr. Muse 

Statement: "The Four Pseudo-Puppies of the Apocalypse." 
Result: Three Shih Tzu instances SCP-1459-1 descended from the 
hatch, one with a crown and white fur, one with a combat knife in its 
mouth and red fur, and one heavily emaciated with black fur. The 
white instance tackled SCP-1459-1 to the ground and then perched 
atop it as the red instance began stabbing the downed SCP-1459-1 


and the black instance began mauling it. After thirty seconds, what 
appeared to be the animated skeleton of a Shih Tzu puppy 
descended from the hatch and dragged the remains into the 
trapdoor, followed by the three other instances. 


Player: Dr. Muse 

Statement: "Eviscerated by an inconceivable amount of dog- 
produced bees."