Observation Notes: This variant appeared to be played on 
ice, and at no point did the players actually have possession 
of the ball. Ball itself had been burned into a hard circle, 
possibly made of charred bacon, which was theorized to be 
held together by the low temperatures. Yardage was gained 
and lost very quickly, with no regard to downs. Goal 
celebrations were dis-pleasurably noted to be very over the 
top. 


Observation Date: 11/16/2011 


Observation Notes: Played between two players, both 
wearing extensive padding, and wielding swords. Dueled until 
one player scored an apparent touchdown by tackling the 
other player with their sword. Noted to be "pretty cool" by 
Researcher Collins. 


Observation Date: 03/23/2012 


Observation Notes: No balls are present. Players appear to 
throw themselves over the field goal posts, with a broken 
portion of another field goal post. Possibly developed in a 
post-apocalyptic reality where all footballs have been 
destroyed, so players must use themselves. 


the next time it is able to play music. Forcing SCP-537 to interrupt a 
song is discouraged, as doing so seems to cause it to become 
irritated and respond petulantly to testing for up to several days. 


SCP-537 can raise and lower its needle on its own. It can answer 
yes or no questions quickly by raising and lowering the needle once 
for "yes", and twice for "no." It moves its needle in a similar fashion 
to express numbers (usually used to refer to other SCPs). Attempts 
to teach SCP-537 Morse code as a way of accelerating 
communications have failed, owing to SCP-537's inability to read or 
spell. 


It does not matter what record is on SCP-537's turntable, it can play 
whichever songs it pleases regardless. It does, however, prefer to 
have SCP-537-2, as it seems unable to reset its needle alone and 
will eventually be unable to continue playing. SCP-537-2, when 
played back on a normal turntable, is blank. 


SCP-537 appears to enjoy interacting with humans and thoroughly 
enjoys being interviewed. Its personality is often described as 
pompous and flamboyant - usually greeting people with 
"Wilkommen!", from the musical Cabaret - yet distinctly childish. It is 
prone to "tantrums" when offended, which usually consist of it 
playing angry music at maximum volume nonstop until brought back 
to containment. It seems more trusting of younger employees, and 
treats older people with cautious disrespect. 


When asked about its favorite song, SCP-537 invariably responds 
by playing "The Rainbow Connection" from The Muppet Movie. 


Document #537-1: Test for Special Properties in SCP-537-2 
Performed by Dr. 


SCP-537-2 was played in a regular turntable. The record is 
apparently blank. 

A vinyl record, consisting of one (1) perfectly circular groove along 
which the needle would travel was made for the purpose of this 
experiment. When given to SCP-537 to play, though the replica 
record was identical, SCP-537 apparently realized that it had not 
been given SCP-537-2 and reacted angrily, raising its needle and 


Observation Date: 4/15/2012 


Observation Notes: Game was played exclusively with feet. 
No resemblance to football whatsoever. Recommending 
demotion of all players to D-Class, due to the dubious nature 
of them ever being trained to play a real sport. 


Observation Date: 10/3/2012 


Observation Notes: Variant takes place between two 
players, who stand on opposite podiums in an enclosed 
stadium. Linesmen dictate questions to the players, who gain 
yardage by answering them in a forum-fashion. Touchdowns 
appear to be obtained abstractly through applause. 


Observation date: 10/12/2012 


Observation notes: The football is repeatedly passed 
back and forth between two quarterbacks, while the rest 
of the team apparently ditched them to go get smoothies or 
something. Ball appears to be a lime, with both quarterbacks 
so disgusted by it that they only touch it with some kind of 
slicing racket. Very limited football attire. 


Observation date: 11/22/2012 


Observation notes: This anomalous edition of football 
appears to be... played with one player. Who is a horse. All 
play appeared to consist of post-touchdown dancing. During 
play, it does not appear to matter how many yards the horse 
moves down, and during extensive review of play no downs 
have been detected. Touchdown ratios have reached a new 
low. 


SCP-1162-J: "Double Down Sandwich" 


Item #: SCP-1162-J 
Object Class: Safe (pending review) 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1162-J must be stored 
under Biosafety Level 4 conditions. Under no circumstances may 
SCP-1162-J be handled without adequate BSL-4 protection or by 
personnel not in full Class A hazmat gear. Personnel who have been 
exposed to SCP-1162-J are to be subject to post-mortem 
incineration. In the case of containment compromise, full nuclear 
sterilization is considered automatically authorized. 


Description: Inspection reveals SCP-1162-J to be similar in form to 
an ordinary bacon-and-cheese sandwich. Two slices of cheese are 
present within the sandwich, determined to be and 

Sauce of undetermined composition has also been located within 
the sandwich. SCP-1162-J's anomalous properties result from its 
bun, which is composed entirely of fried chicken. Despite this 
deviation from ordinary sandwich structure, SCP-1162-J maintains 
its sandwich designation through unknown means. 


SCP-1162-J was deposited into Foundation care on // , by 
Agent , who had spent the previous two weeks on leave. Agent 
, after ensuring SCP-1162-J's prompt containment, left 
directions for immolation and promptly committed suicide. Elevated 
levels of sodium were indeed found within the corpse prior to 
destruction. The ultimate origin of SCP-1162-J is not known. 
Packaging originally found with SCP-1162-J at the time of 
containment identifies it as a Kentucky Fried Chicken "Double 
Down" sandwich, but Foundation scientists have judged it unlikely 
that any such product would have been designed by said company 
or produced on a large scale, being entirely inconsistent with all 
previous definitions of "sandwich" as well as its property of inducing 
violent revulsion in human subjects. The effects of direct exposure to 
SCP-1162-J have never been observed, but are assumed to be 


rapid heart failure followed by death. Consumption in part or whole 
has been theorized to have the result of [DATA EXPUNGED] 
hazardous concentrations of sodium remaining in the corpses 
necessitating [DATA EXPUNGED] damage to nearby unprotected 
human subjects. 


Addendum: Testimony from research personnel assigned to 
SCP-1162-J has raised the possibility of a psychic lure effect 
emanating from SCP-1162-d, intensifying with exposure over time. 
This hypothetical effect manifests as a compulsion to consume part 
of SCP-1162-J, despite knowledge of health risks and the near- 
certainty of permanent physiological damage to be incurred by such 
an action, described as a "morbid curiosity". As a precaution, staff 
rotation has been instituted. 


Addendum: Unverified reports have been forthcoming regarding 
sightings of additional instances of SCP-1162-J in the wild. | need 
not remind you of the potential hazard posed to the public by such 
manifestations. All agents have been cleared for unlimited funding 
with the aim of containing as many instances of SCP-1162-J as 
possible. Get these things off the streets and into an anomalous- 
object retrieval bag ASAP, people. You have your orders. - Richard 
Stillmann, Site- Director 


SCP-2600-CU: The Cutest Little Thing 


Image removed by order of O5- , for driving personnel members 
barking mad with its... cuteness! 


Item #: SCP-2600-CU 
Object Class: It's, uh, cute. 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2600-d is to be... 
huggled? Huggled. It is to be huggled at least once per day, by 
Assistant Researcher Betsy Stu. All personnel capable of tolerating 
SCP-2600-CU's presence adorableness! are to be permanently 
stationed within Site-56, which contains only SCP-2600-CU, as any 
other artifact would be overwhelmed by its arcane powers adorable 
face. Personnel who suffer organ failure or hemorrhaging from 
huggling SCP-2600-CU are clearly unworthy of its adorable love. 


Description: SCP-2600-CU is the cutest little thing. Anything written 
or spoken about SCP-2600-CU is to praise its adorable little... face? 
Other body parts may also be praised as they are identified. 


SCP-2600-CU is the cutest... organism ever! It has six super sweet 
eyes, made of the most d'aww inspiring viscous fluids! Look at the 
cute tentacle... wentacle? The slime feels like... ongodimgonnapuke 
rainbows! Sometimes it leaks, but it does this little shrug/spasm that 
lets you know it's all okay! When it moves, sometimes it can bend 
through walls and listen to every word, so make sure you know we 
love it thiiiis much! 


Occasionally, it has spurted out massive amounts of liquids, which 
have been dubbed Cutie Fluids. These usually occur from 
SCP-2600-CU's cutie spots, which pulsate and grow when the 
adorable-ness levels become overwhelming! They are also known to 
burst when shedding, requiring frequent cleanup from all of 
SCP-2600-CU's best friends! 


Any personnel who do not wish to participate in praising how 


adorable SCP-2600-CU is may participate in other activities, such as 
hanging up posters around Site-56 about the glorious adorable little 
dance it does, or creating documentation of it to send to other sites. 
MTF-Psi-9 "Those Poor Bastards" have been assigned with finding 
a breeding partner for SCP-2600-CU so that the whole planet may 
revel in its cuteness! 


Pleasehelp Any personnel who are mean to SCP-2600-CU are to be 
sent to time-out, or assigned to cleaning up the naughty corner. 


Addendum: Researcher Boyd was performing mandatory 
interactions with SCP-2600-CU, and made the mistake of going off- 
script, asking it "if it had been a bad widdle guy!" which caused it to 
become agitated. Researchers were able to placate SCP-2600-CU 
with minimal casualties, after assuring SCP-2600-CU that 
Researcher Boyd had been acting alone, and they all loved it very 
much. 


Footnotes 
1. Personnel must have been capable of withstanding the effects 
ofSCP-006-CU-EX. 


SCP-META-EX-J 


CLICK HERE TO DELETE THIS MISTAKE 
Item #: SCP-META-EX-J 


Object Class: Uncontained Apollyon Explained? Apollyon Keter 
Explained Definitely Apollyon Explained, to a degree, | guess 
Confusing (Pending Class Reassignment) 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-META-EX-J cannot be 
contained at this time. As such, Foundation physicists and 
philosophers are to research the anomalous properties for the rest 
of time cease research immediately continue research in a casual 
way that does not interrupt their professionalism nor cause them 
irreversible mental harm. 


Description: SCP-META-EX-d is the designation for a metaphysical 
phenomenon in which a system of increasing complexity will begin 
to show properties akin to sentience. The phenomenon is absolutely 
anomalous, no doubt about it?. 


This phenomenon has been observed in multiple instances 
throughout man's ability to conceptualize such things. The first 
hypothesized instance was the development (referred to henceforth 
as "evolution"2 "creationism"34567 just development) of a biogenetic 
substance found in a 3.7 billion year old sedentary rock formation8 
into organisms capable of supporting consciousness. 


How true consciousness is formed is unknown; the process is, by all 
accounts and purposes, impossible to truly replicate vis-a-vis our 
own technological advancements and understanding of said 
subject. 


Some theories stand, but the Foundation's current accepted 
understanding assumption EXPLANATION is that of the existence of 


a quantum "proto-consciousness" field that permeates the entire 
universe. As such, consciousness is available as a sort of a uniform 
broadcast that systems can "receive" given enough complexity. 


For example: flora present on earth is capable of responding to 
stimuli, although no concrete conclusion has been made that plants 
are capable of "feeling" or "thinking". The paradoxical nature of this 
is apparent- can the process that causes something to adapt to its 
environment (Such as growing towards sunlight) be considered 
thought101112139 


Furthermore, is there a difference between that and the conscious 
nature of more complex systems such as insects and animals? 


Using this model, one can assume that this anomalous behavior can 
exist in things that are not traditionally alive (Such as rocks and your 
blender)'4. Given that things are primarily empty space consisting of 
the same subatomic particles, the possibility rings true. In addition, 
the proof is in the pudding!5 when you read other articles. 
Anomalous objects often exhibit properties that defy explanation. 
How this process is accomplished is unknown'6, 


"Response to stimuli" is a loose term. If this implies any sort of 
change whatsoever, than the entropic nature of the universe can 
apply in this manner!” (Entropy being considered a process by 
which things change into a system of uniformity or "break down" 
over time). 


"Time" is a metaphysical construct in and of itself. It is a concept 
utilized by humans in attempts to justify changes in their surrounding 
environment. "Time" has no concrete inception nor end. It is simply 
an endless stream of consciousness. It is an indefinite progress of 
events through which we experience moments in succession. We 
will never hopefully one day probably not at all understand this 
phenomena as its intrinsic nature conflicts within our own current 
ideas about the subject. 


Moving on18. 


SCP-META-EX-J seems to manifest itself for purposes of self- 
preservation or propagation. For example, siphonophorae!9 were 


initially believed to be a single organic structure. Upon closer 
inspection, specimens are observed to be actually a colony 
composed of highly specialized individual organisms called Zooids. 
This collective structure involves the delegation of subsections of 
itself to complete specified tasks (Such as locomotion or nutrient 
absorption). Whether or not the collective structure is aware or not 
remains to be seen, however, the integration of systems into its own 
host structure implies a necessity or ability to perceive and adapt. 


When expanding our view outward, we see this process manifest 
itself in floral ecosystems. Root structures of trees and other 
plans2%are often bound to one another, aiding in the transportation 
of nutrients throughout the entire system. 


SCP-META-EX-J therefore continues to present itself in systems like 
other animals and, subsequently, humans; anatomically speaking, a 
human is a summation of parts as a whole2!. The development of 
speech centers, creativity and abstract thought seem to form upon 
reaching a certain higher level of physiological and cognitive 
structure. 


Continuing from there, the entirety of humanity itself is a system of 
vast complexity, whose own nature is conflicting yet again striving 
towards a stable system of self-preservation22. 


We observe this once again if we consider Earth itself as a living 
organism28242526, This would explain the Earth's ability to attempt to 
balance itself out when humanity fucks it up2’. 


Currently, there is no evidence supporting the idea that celestial 
bodies do possess sentience28.