Inapplicable Object Classes: Safe, Keter, Neutralized, 
Decommissioned, Explained, Thaumiel, Apollyon, Nehemoth, Zeno, 
Sammlung, Baldr, Clytemnestra, Embla, Teufel, Granfalloon, 
Wynken, Blynken, Nod, Kili, Fili, Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, 
Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen 


Containment Procedures that are Particular to SCP-6327-J and 
no Other Contained Anomaly Whatsoever: The source of 
SCP-6327-J, which has been given the nomenclatural designation of 
SCP-6327-J and must be addressed and identified as such, is to be 
placed in a container. This container is to be strong, with dimensions 
greater than a minimum of 40.3499 by 40.3499 by 40.3499 
centimeters, and access must be limited to a code. This access 
code is only to be known by the Site Director; all other access to the 
access code is strictly prohibited and punishable by disciplinary 
measures, which are inherently displeasurable and should prove to 
be an effective deterrent against access-code-having. 


All text documents found to be infected with SCP-6327-u's 
cognitohazardous properties are to be destroyed by means of 


incineration, which will turn the document into ashes and in doing so 
nullify its cognitohazardous effects, which would be disastrous if 
maintained and displayed. 


Description of SCP-6327-J: SCP-6327-J is an ancient bronze stele 
measuring 39.244 cm by 39.244 cm by 3 cm. The stele contains an 
engraved pattern of lines, shapes, and other two-dimensional 
displayable objects. The engraved pattern forms a shape that has 
proven to be a non-lethal cognitohazard. The effects of this 
cognitohazard are incurable, even with amnestic therapy of all 
classes, and cause a human subject to elaborate sentences that 
would, under normal circumstances, be much shorter and more 
concise. This succinct quality is absent in all human subjects 
infected by SCP-6327-J's anomalous cognitohazard, and, as such, 
is disagreeable. 


SCP-6327-J also has an additional effect aside from its primary 
cognitohazardous capabilities. SCP-6327-J causes all text to which 
it is visually exposed to become enlongated, exaggerated, 
elucidated, and more elaborate and lengthy than its original state. 
The affected text maintains the cognitohazardous properties of the 
original stele, but effective at a much less instantaneous and slower 
rate. 


THIS IS A WARNING FOR THIS FILE: THIS FILE IS RESTRICTED T 


On the date of [DATE HAS BEEN REDACTED IN 
ORDER TO DENY INFORMATION TO VIEWERS OF 
THIS FILE], Site-551's Second Biologist that was hired 
on March 3rd, 1987 on 08:57, was in-fact infected by 
SCP-6327-J at 14:12 while eating a grilled cheese and 
ham sandwich made from American cheese and ham, 
and proceeded to obtain a live instance of Sciurus 
vulgaris, commonly referred to as a Red Squirrel. The 
researcher then produced a Sharpie brand black marker 
from their left coat pocket, and wrote the English words 
"The same thing as SCP-6327-J, only nuttier" onto the 
Sciurus vulgaris specimen. However, the Sciurus 
vulgaris specimen immediately gained the current 
abnormal properties it carries to this exact time frame. 
Please see SCP-184 for more information regarding this 


SCP-537: Singing Gramophone 


Item #: SCP-537 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-537 is to be kept ina 
soundproof room. No additional containment measures are required, 
although SCP-537 has requested: 


* One (1) poster of The Muppet Movie. (granted) 

¢ Weekly dusting and cleaning of its record. (granted) 

¢ Daily one (1)-hour visits from Foundation personnel. (denied) 

¢ Weekly one (1)-hour to "converse" with Foundation personnel 
sent to clean its record following cleaning. (under 
consideration) 

¢ A vinyl record of the soundtrack from The Muppet Movie. 
(denied - it can play the entire soundtrack without need of the 
actual record) 


Description: Recovered from a pawn shop, to which it had 
reportedly been brought by a young man in February of 198 . 


SCP-537 bears the appearance of a completely normal - albeit 
tattered - gramophone, with no visible deviations or abnormalities. 
The vinyl record (SCP-537-2) beneath its needle has only one 
circular groove that does not move inward, so that the needle never 
reaches the center of the turntable. The needle is abnormally difficult 
to lift, but can be lifted by hand with some effort. The needle will 
snap back down the moment it is released. SCP-537 is without a 
doubt intelligent, and demonstrates the ability to both see and hear 
(it is not yet known how). It communicates by playing songs. 


SCP-537 is able to play any song that can be found on an existing 
vinyl record and can do so at will. SCP-537 plays songs all the way 
through, and will never interrupt a song unless its needle is forced 
up, in which case it will resume the song from the point it left off at 


abnormal specimen. 


Log of Event-24125-Alpha Among Site-599 Personnel, Bear in 
Mind that All Personel at Site-599 had been Infected with 
SCP-6327-J's Cognitohazardous properties: 


Dr. Henderson: There is a current and present 
emergency, and | am about to describe it. Please listen 
carefully, as this will contain important information. SCP- 

had previously been in containment, but it is now 
outside of containment. 


Dr. Naismith: Do you mean to say that SCP- __, which is 
a keter-class scip under our containment, is now 
breaching containment? 


Dr. Henderson: That sentence that you have just said is 
correct, every bit of it. 


Dr. Naismith: Oh shit, which | say out of exasperation 
and gross disregard for professionalism and clean 
language! 


Dr. Henderson: Indeed you do, Dr. Naismith. We must 
act, as panicking is a waste of time. 


Dr. Naismith: Agreed. The most horrible method of 
wasting time during a containment breach is most 
certainly panic! 


Dr. Henderson: And how, Dr. Naismith, and how. 
Dr. Naismith: Should we notify the breach desk? 


Dr. Henderson: In my opinion, to notify the breach desk 
would be a good move. 


Dr. Naismith: Very well. Then | shall promptly notify the 
breach desk. 


SCP- : KILL! 


Dr. Henderson: Oh dear me, | am frightened, for | 
witness SCP- about to kill us, because that is its 
intention! 


SCP- :AGREED! AND WHEN | AM FINISHED 
KILLING YOU, WHICH | AM GOING TO DO VERY 
SOON AND VERY PAINFULLY, | WILL CAUSE AN XK- 
CLASS END-OF-THE-WORLD SCENARIO, AS IT IS 
WITHIN MY ANOMALOUS CAPABILITIES TO DO SO! | 
HOLD NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE AS ANYTHING 
MORE THAN THINGS THAT NEED TO BE KILLED BY 
ME AND MY ANOMALOUS CAPABILITIES AND 
POWERS AND SKILLS! 


Dr. Naismith: You're a monster, SCP-__, because only 
a monster would have such an agenda as yours! 


SCP- :AND HOW, DR. NAIS— 


[At this point in time, the onsite nuclear warhead had 
been detonated, which had ceased any and all further 
conversation, action, and other goings-on within 
Site-599.] 


Addendum to this Article that Did Not Exist Prior to its Posting 
as of Now: It is believed that the entry for SCP-6327-J, which 
describes SCP-6327-J's anomalous qualities, has been itself 
infected with SCP-6327-J, which would cause all those reading this 
document to become infected with SCP-6327-J over a period of 
three minutes or longer. 


SCP-80-K-J: Chicken Corps 


Item #: SCP-80-K-J 
Object Class: Ridiculous 


Special Containment Procedures: All instances of SCP-80-K-J are 
to be contained within Site 24's Secure Avian Anomalies Sector. 
Telekill alloy’ has been used to construct a flimsy, three meter high 
fence around a 10 m x 10 m area to prevent SCP-80-K-J from 
interfering with or attacking other poultry-related anomalies in 
containment. A small wooden barracks has also been provided for 
shelter. SCP-80-K-J is to be fed daily at 5:00 AM, 12:00 PM, and 
6:00 PM. Demands made by SCP-80-K Prime should be addressed 
in a patronizing tone and go unfulfilled. 


Description: SCP-80-K-J is a group of 30 bird-like creatures that 
resemble domestic fowl adorned with M1 combat helmets. Each 
instance of SCP-80-K-J is armed with a small plastic rifle affixed to 
the underside of their left or right wing with an unidentified type of 
adhesive2. SCP-80-K-J roughly functions as a military unit, and will 
only take orders from SCP-80-K Prime, though its ability to follow 
through on any directions given is limited. Aside from SCP-80-K 
Prime, members of SCP-80-K-J are incapable of speech, which 
hinders their ability to function as a team and properly act out most 
commands given to thems. 


SCP-80-K-J Prime is the designation given to the highest ranking 
officer of SCP-80-K-J, discernible by the small general's hat it 
wears, and the crudely constructed medals# pinned to its breast 
feathers. SCP-80-K Prime is capable of speech, though aside from a 
single interview (see Interview 80-K-1 below) given upon SCP-80-K- 
J's initial containment, it generally only speaks to make 
unreasonable demands® of Foundation personnel and give orders to 
SCP-80-K-u. 


SCP-80-K-J is usually aggressive towards most Foundation 


personnel, due to standing orders from SCP-80-K Prime to attempt 
escape from containment, with the exception of feeding times. 
Current containment procedures are more than sufficient to prevent 
SCP-80-K-J from escaping or causing harm to staff, though 
revisions will be considered if their behavior changes. 


Interview 80-K-1 


Dr. Schmirtz: Hello, | am Dr. Schmirtz, and | will be 
conducting this interview with you. 


SCP-80-K Prime: You will address me as "Sir", as my 
rank entails, or face dire repercussions. 


Dr. Schmirtz: Nah, we've decided to designate you as 
SCP-80-K Prime. 


SCP-80-K Prime: | am General T © of the Chicken 
Corps, and you will address me as "Sir" or be punished 
for insubordination! 


Dr. Schmirtz: ...You have to be shitting me. Your name 
is General T ? You can't...you can't be serious. “loud 
sniggering can be heard* 


SCP-80-K Prime: | find nothing humorous about your 
continued refusal to follow military protocol. How does a 
court martial sound to you, son? 


Dr. Schmirtz: *continues laughter for another 15 
seconds* Okay, okay, | think | got that all out, General 
T . So what, you're all anomalous poultry that watched 
too much Full Metal Jacket back at whatever stupid GOI 
lab that shit you out? Hilarious. 


SCP-80-K Prime: Anomalous poultry? Anomalous 
Poultry?!|am General T of the United Chicken Corps, 
and | demand you show some respect! 


Dr. Schmirtz: Sorry, | couldn't understand you that time, 
it wasn't peppered with enough poorly understood 
military jargon. Something about the Ultra Chicken 


Corps? 


SCP-80-K Prime: No, you wretched imbecile. | said the 
United Chicken Corps. They are the special unit under 
my command. 


Dr. Schmirtz: Why? 
SCP-80-K Prime: Why what? 
Dr. Schmirtz: Why "Chicken Corps"? 


SCP-80-K Prime: A better question would be why | am 
being forced to answer such foolish questions from 
incompetent, insubordinate failures such as yourself. 


Dr. Schmirtz: No, a better question would be why a 
group of Meleagris gallopavo, who call themselves the 
"Chicken Corps", are gallivanting about with toy rifles, 
attacking dairy cows and attempting to annex an entire 
barn filled with farm equipment. 


SCP-80-K Prime: What did you call me? 
Dr. Schmirtz: Meleagris gallopavo? 
SCP-80-K Prime: Speak English, boy. 
Dr. Schmirtz: You're...turkeys. 
SCP-80-K Prime: This interview is over!” 


Dr. Schmirtz: | hope you don't feel too...cooped up 
while you're here. 


SCP-80-K Prime: You won't be laughing when my forces 
have nuked your little operation back to the stone age! 


Dr. Schmirtz: Oh that reminds me. We found yout little 
"WMD" stash. It's been confiscated. And poached. 


Footnotes 


1. No, not really. It's just chicken wire. 

2. It's probably Elmer's Glue. Would that surprise anyone? 

3. That time they tried to do jumping jacks together was hilarious 
though. 

4. Looks like construction paper and glitter. 

5. An Apache helicopter, an Abrams tank, the S.H.1.E.L.D. 
Helicarrier, etc. 

6. | personally refer to it as "R. Lee Turkey". 

7. But it will forever be in our hearts, General. 


SCP-1234-J: An SCP 


Item #: SCP-1234-J 
Object Class: [REDACTED] 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1234-J is to be contained 
in a containment chamber. This containment chamber is to contain 
precautions that will assist in the containment of SCP-1234-J. In the 
case of a containment breach, personnel are to take necessary 
actions to contain SCP-1234-J. When personnel must enter 
SCP-1234's containment area, no fewer than a specified number 
may enter at any time. Personnel wishing to use SCP-1234-J for 
research purposes require a set clearance level in order to gain 
access. 


Description: SCP-1234-J is an SCP object that displays anomalous 
properties. Its properties appear to defy commonly understood 
principles of science; further research is being performed into how it 
achieves this. 


Typically SCP-1234-J interacts with personnel, resulting in [DATA 
EXPUNGED]! 


SCP-1234-J may or may not, on occasion, directly or indirectly 
cause the creation of other anomalous objects. This is unconfirmed. 


SCP-1234-J was discovered by personnel following their detection 
of anomalous activity. A containment force was sent to contain 
SCP-1234-J. It was then contained. 


Addendum 1234-J-1: Anyone who is found abusing SCP-1234-J 
will be subject to some form of disciplinary action. - 


Addendum 1234-J-2: Incident 1234-1: 


SCP-1234-J broke containment. Casualties were sustained. It was 


eventually contained again. 
Addendum 1234-J-3: Audio Log 1234-J-1: 
: Hi. 
SCP-1234-J: [DATA EXPUNGED] 
SHOWS 
Addendum 1234-J-4: Recommendation that SCP-1234-J be 
upgraded to Keter. - 
No. O5- 


Footnotes 
1. On occasion SCP-1234-J may exhibit unexpected behavior in 
response to a stimulus. 


SCP-800-J: American Football 


Item #: SCP-800-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: As new variants of SCP-800-J 
are discovered, they are to be isolated and all players issued Class- 
F amnestics. Following this treatment, they are to be trained on how 
to properly play football. 


Description: SCP-800-J designates a troubling number of Football 
sporting leagues in which all players, officials, spectators, and 
linesmen are unable to discern the proper methods of playing the 
game. In some respects, the game eventually played has almost no 
resemblance to football. 


SCP-800-J was discovered on 09/18/2011, by Senior Researcher 
Collins, after erroneously flipping to the other channels included in 
his 'Big All-American Sporting Network’ and finding that the package 
contained odd variants of football. After receiving inadequate 
explanation from his cable provider, Collins declared it to be an 
anomaly and called Site-77 personnel to enact containment 
procedures. Several instances of SCP-2008-J have been 
documented in SCP-800-J broadcasts. 


Researcher's note: | have observed that almost none of these 
variants are played with regulation equipment, and scandalously, 
even fewer are played on Sunday. 


Addendum: Variants observed: 


Observation Date: 


Observation Notes: 


Observation Date: 09/18/2011 


Observation Notes: First observed instance. Takes place in 
a rotund playing field, with players wearing shockingly little 
protection. Ball appears to be much smaller, and white, 
possibly composed of sheepskin or albino pigs. Touchdowns 
achieved by circling bases. Claims to be America's ‘national 
pastime’ have been conclusively proven to be possibly untrue. 


Observation Date: 10/22/2011