adventures of Ignatz™ and YUM-1™ in Kellogg's Presents YUM-1: 
Secure Contain and Protect, airing Saturday mornings at 8:15 EST 
on Cartoon Network® or online at 
www.kelloggsfoundationflakes.com/yum1/comics.3 


Footnotes 

1. A containment breach for brunch! Crunch! 

2. Not for sale on Halloween or Day of the Dead, or to morticians. 
3. Foundation Flakes™, SCP-3000-J™, Keter™, Mobile Taskforce 
YUM-1™, The Kellogg's O5 Council™, Ignatz the Immortal Lizard™, 
Shy Sammy the Statue™, Grand Karcist lon™, and Sark-Bite™ are 
all registered trademarks of The Kelloggs Company. 
Wondertainment™ is a registered trademark of The Hershey 
Company. Cartoon Network@ is a division of Turner Broadcasting 
System, itself a subsidiary of Time Warner Inc. Shy Sammy the 
Statue™ was originally created as the art piece "Untitled 2004"™, 
which was created by Izumi Kato. The concept of Shy Sammy the 
Statue™ does not have any relationship with the artist's original 
concept of "Untitled 2004"™. "Untitled 2004"™ is a registered 
trademark of Izumi Kato Enterprises. All rights reserved. 


SCP-145-J: Another Shitty Day at Work 


Item #: SCP-145-J 


Object Class: Safe. It should be neutralized, but the Site Director's 
too goddamn cheap to buy a new one. 


Special Containment Procedures: Due to "budget cuts", SCP-145- 
J is housed in Site-16's main staff kitchen, and is available for 
general use. It isn't recommended, though. A pair of oven-safe mitts 
have been provided to assist in SCP-145-J's operation. 


Injuries sustained during SCP-145-J's use should be treated with 
aloe vera cream and a stern talking-to by Site-16 Lead RN 
Clemens for thinking you could handle a hot plate with your bare 
hands, you brain-dead idiot. To date, SCP-145-J has resulted in 141 
cases of first-degree burns, including 63 D-Class, 56 junior and 
senior researchers, 21 MTF agents, and one O-5. | call that one 0-5 
now. 


Description: SCP-145-J is an SHARP-brand 1000W/R-21LC 
commercial microwave whose use can cause one of several 
anomalous effects on what is placed inside of it: 


* It doesn't heat anything. 

¢ It burns everything. 

¢ The edges get roasted but the center is still frozen. 

¢ The whole damn thing is ice cold but the plate it's on is molten 
lava hot. 

¢ Smoke. Lots of smoke. 

« The tray doesn't spin. 

The tray alternates between spinning clockwise and 

counterclockwise it's supposed to do that, never mind. 


At present, all requests to disassemble SCP-145-J in the hopes of 
finding the source of its anomaly are uniformly denied, because if it 
doesn't work afterwards, then we don't have anything, and that's 


worse than trying to work with this crap. Sometimes | want to bring 
in a hot meal and not go out to eat. Have you seen how expensive 
the places around town are now? Did we really need to have this 
facility near a major metropolitan area? Property taxes must be 
through the roof, that's probably the reasoning behind why we can't 
afford a replacement. 


Attempts to heat food without a plate have been approved, but that's 
pretty unsanitary and it looks gross in there. During a yearly audit of 
security procedures at Site-16, including a review of old security 
footage, it was discovered Agent used SCP-145-J to heat up a 
Hot Pocket without putting a plate under it and it exploded. He didn't 
even clean up afterwards, he just left like he thought no one was 
watching. Grounds for disciplinary action, right? That's what | 
thought, too, but fuck, he's still here. We've incinerated D-Class for 
less, just because he has a Foundation star of brown-nosing or 
whatever he gets away with being stupid and lazy. 


SCP-145-J has a secondary memetic effect that has, at time of 
writing, affected all staff in the vicinity. Morale among Foundation 
employees at Site-16 has shown a marked decrease in recent 
months, and confidence and faith in Foundation management is at 
an all-time low. What a fucking surprise. How the fuck can't we 
afford a new microwave? Don't we have a skip that makes gold? We 
shouldn't even have a concept of a budget, we're the Foundation for 
christ's sake; we spend billions of dollars for some overly-fancy 
storage locker with a bunch of dumbass redundancies so no one 
goes near a box that doesn't even have anything in it, by the way. 


Addendum: Really? This article got through to the system? Who 
the fuck maintains our database, lobotomized monkeys? God, | 
swear, it's like no one else works here. | hate this place. 


Daveyoufool's Proposal: "KEEP CALM AND APOLLY 
ON" 


Notice from the Records And Information Security 
Administration 


In light of the events of Incident-OO1-Omega, the following 
document has been made public to all Foundation staff to ensure 
the peaceful and effective execution of Contingency Schubert-9. 


Item #: SCP-OO1-J 
Object Class: Apollyon 


Special Containment Procedures: As of Incident-OO1-Omega, 
there is no longer any feasible way to contain SCP-OO1-J or to 
prevent the coming of Scenario XK-OO1-d. 


To maintain calm and ensure a smooth transition of the human race 
into the wide variety of customized and readily-available afterlives', 
Contingency Schubert-9 is to be enacted immediately. 


Description: The description of SCP-OO1-d is a lethal 
cognitohazard, and as such, is available on request for all interested 
personnel. 


Addendum - Contingency Schubert-9: Contingency Schubert-9 is 
comprised of an auditory alarm system at all Foundation sites. The 
following alerts are to be played constantly. 


Threat Levei Alarm Meaning 
Epsilon-Green Foghorn SCP-OO1-J has been 
stopped, because 
miracles are real. 
Delta-Green Klaxon No activity from SCP- 


Delta-Blue 


Delta-Yellow 


Delta-Orange 


Delta-Red 


Gamma-Green 


Gamma-Blue 


Gamma-Yellow 


Gamma-Orange 


Gamma-Red 


Beta-Green 


Klaxon but slightly 
higher in pitch 


05-11 imitating the 
Delta-Blue alarm 


"It's Not Unusual" by 
Tom Jones 


"It's Not Unusual" 
Norwegian black 
metal remix by Dr. 
Naismith 


Klaxon, Foghorn, 
Buzzer at the same 
time 


OOT-J. 

SCP-O01-J has 
opened its eyes 
(unconfirmed). 
SCP-O001-J has 
opened its eyes 
(confirmed with 
photographic 
evidence). 
SCP-O001-J has 
opened its eyes and is 
looking at Earth. 
SCP-OO1 has opened 
its eyes, is looking at 
Earth, and Dr. 
Naismith wants to 
promote his band.234 
Civilian casualties 
have begun. 


The entire soundtrack Civilian casualties 
of David Lynch's Dunecontinue. 


Same as Delta- 
Orange, but with air 
horns 


Same as Epsilon- 
Green, but with a 
muffled eagle cry in 
the background 
"Don't Sleep In The 
Subway" by Petula 
Clark 


10 seconds of an old 
woman sobbing 
hystericaily. 


Civilian casualties 
continue, but with 
more of an aggressive 
subtext. 

SCP-O001-d is 
targeting your site, 
prepare for death. 


This site has been 
destroyed by SCP- 
OO1-J, ergo, | can 
enjoy Petula Clark as 
much as | damn well 
please and only 
corpses will judge me. 
A species has gone 
extinct as a result of 
SCP-OO1-J. 


Beta-Blue 


Beta-Yellow 


Beta-Orange 


Beta-Red 


Alpha-Black-Omega; 
Death-Death 


14 seconds of anold A city has been 


woman sobbing 
hystericaily. 


destroyed as a result 
of SCP-OOT-J- 


14.3 seconds of an aldA country has been 


woman sobbing 
hystericaily. 
Beta-Yellow, but 
"Nearer My God To 
Thee" plays in the 
background on an 
accordion. 
Beta-Orange, but 
backwards. 


The entire 
discography of Toby 
Keith 


destroyed as a result 
of SCP-OOT-J. 
A continent has been 
destroyed as a result 
of SCP-OO1-dJ. 


The old woman we 
recorded is still very 
sad about the whole 
affair, and could use a 
hug. 

"Good goin’, OO1-u, 
you destroyed our 
civilization. This is 
your reward, an 
eternity of Toby Keith. 
Was it worth it?" 


It is believed that proper execution of Contingency Schubert-9 will 
maintain good morale, ease suffering, and relieve stress. 


In addition, testing prior to Incident-OO1-Omega has found that the 
volume of these alerts is directly proportional to the level of calm 
during times of stress. Therefore, usage of additional amplification 
assets, as well as maximum volume, is encouraged. 


+ Does the black moon howl? 


To whom it may concern: 


I've received word from various site directors 

that Contingency Schubert-9 actually worsens 
the level of stress during Scenario XK-OO1-u. 
Allow me to address some of your concerns to 
the best of my ability: 


1. These concerns are absolutely valid and 
correct. 


2. In fact, | can assure you that the purpose of 
Schubert-9 is to make things as unbearable as 
possible for everyone, and, hopefully, drive us 
all to kill each other. 


3. | really don't like any of you, and frankly, I'm 
very upset that SCP-OO1-d is dealing with you 
before | could. On a related note - find your 
own victims, you gutless amateur. 


Thank you for your understanding during this 
trying time. 


Regards, 
The Administrator 


Footnotes 

1. All Class-G personnel stationed at the Foundation North Kenya 
Proving Grounds are advised toabandon hope, as they know damn 
well what they did. 

2.Note:The world isdying,Naismith. This doesn't matter anymore.- 
O5-12 

3.Note:So you're telling me that the end of the world - arguably the 
most metal thing to happen in Earth's history - is a bad time for 
metal?- Dr. Naismith 

4.Note:...you're not even wrong, and lhatethat.- 05-12 


SCP-404-J: The Pantheon 


Item #: SCP-404-J 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: As attempts to manually alter 
the text of SCP-404-J have proved futile, twice-hourly tactical 
nuclear strikes are to continue on SCP-404-J until it has been 
successfully neutralized. As such, Foundation personnel, combat 
task forces, and civilians may only come within 100 km of SCP-404- 
J after signing a mortality waiver. 


Description: SCP-404-J is a 20 m x 50 m x 5m brick wall in 
southern Iran, estimated to have been erected in 15,000 BCE. 
SCP-404-J is composed entirely of an unknown mineral that has 
proven extremely resistant to destruction. 


Despite its age, the inscriptions on SCP-404-J are completely in 
American English. The text of the inscription changes on an irregular 
basis. 


Further information about SCP-404-J is restricted to the O5 Council. 


+ Inscription as of 2/28/16 - 5/404-J clearance required 


PLANET ERF! 
by !Jehovah 
[ Rating: -5922 | +|-] 


Planet: Erf! 


Composition: Mostly water also some other stuff! 


hold this thing in my hands. Plus, it fits pretty well, don't 
you think? 


: True, but have you considered returning it to us? 
What are you using it for? 


D-78909: (shrugs) Nah, why would | want to give this 
up? | like it. Believe it or not, most of the other D-Class 
folks think I'm higher up on the food chain because I've 
got this thing. Stupid gangbanging [RACIAL INSULT]s, 
they think owning an old-time radio microphone is some 
version of a gang sign! Would you believe that they 
occasionally try to take the [EXPLETIVE]ed thing when 
I'm sleeping. [EXPLETIVE]ing [RACIAL INSULT]s. Have 
they forgotten they're in friggin’ jai/? This isn't Detroit, for 
God's sake! 


: Let's refrain from racial insults, 78909, and mind 
your tone. You're in jail with them too. Tell me more 
about what happens when they try to take it from you? 


D-78909: Fine, fine, sorry about the cursing. Anyways, 
I'm a light sleeper, so the minute | feel their dirty little 
mits unzipping my pocket, I'm awake. Then the metal 
noise starts up, and they start clutching their heads like 
it's a bullhorn. They back off, and | go back to sleep. 


: Metal noise? 


D-78909: You know, that noise it makes when someone 
tries to take it. You guys installed it, right, so that nobody 
steals it from me? What was that stupid horn those 
Africans played at soccer games so much that everyone 
hated? Like that, but more synthetic. A lot quieter, too. 
Have to give you boys credit, it's a perfect "Stop 
Touching My [EXPLETIVE]" alarm sound. (winces) 
Sorry, sorry, | know, don't swear. Force of habit. 


: Ah yes, that 'metal noise’. We made that noise for 
military discouragement operations. (oause) What would 
you Say if | told you that you keep alternating between 


Dominant Species: Humans! 


Other Information: Look at my super cool planet! It has 
religions and goats and juice boxes! 


For more information, look around you! It's that simple! 


This is my first planet so no downvotes please! 


Tags: in-extinction / planet / populated / water 


Comments: 


* @KingScarlet /staffpost/: Moved to top 
for convenience. Beginning extinction 
vote for "Erf" after the net rating 
breached -10. 


© @P-A-T-T-E-R-N /staffpost/: 
Seconding 


H@ @heliumbambi /staffpost/: 
Thirded. 


H@ @GlossyPan / 
staffpost/: Fourthed. 


* @GlossyPan/staffpost/: OP: !Jehovah, 
please do not upvote your own planet. 
It's against the terms of service. 


© ~gk-ION: Your /mom's/ against 
the terms of service. 


¢ ~gk-ION: welcome to planet shitpost 


© ~M3KHA4NS3: This is a really good 
way to get banned, lon. Just 
sayin’. 


M@ ~gk-ION: For calling a 
shitpost a shitpost? 


H ~M3KHA4ANS: No, this 
planet is one of the 
worst we've had in 
aeons, no doubt 
about that. We just 
want to foster a sense 
of community here for 
new writers with 
constructive criticism. 


© !Jehovah: ur a basic bish 


M@ ~M3KH4NS3: ...you know 
what, fuck the sense of 
community, your planet's 


poop. 


¢ ~He-MadeLight: These humans are 
about as appealing as a pile of rotten 
entrails. Requesting summary extinction 
by admins. 


© !YAL-DA-BA-OTH: WHOA HOLD 
UP | get that this article is crap but 
WHY are we TALKING SHIT 
about rotten entrails?!?!?! Dead 
flesh is JUST AS GOOD if not 
BETTER than living flesh and the 
Universe needs LOTS of it for 
FUCK'S SAKE can you NOT you 
LITERAL PIECE OF [read more] 


@ ~SixAteMeToo: Fuck me, 
they're letting anyone join 
the site these days. 


@ ~iheartstranglefroots 
cack 


[page 1 of 3,492] Next > 


SCP-2130-J: "But seriously, folks..." 


Item #: SCP-2130-J 
Object Class: Eucilele Keytar 


Special Containment Procedures: Foundation spambots are to 
send emails to all personnel on an hourly basis to remind them of 
SCP-2130-J's dangerous properties. 


Public address systems will be commandeered for at least 180 
minutes per week to play the "SCP-2130-d jingle". Pending a 
breakthrough by the Memetics team's PROJECT EARWORM, the 
Foundation has licensed the use of alternative lyrics to "Do You 
Know The Way To San Jose?"!. 


Instances of SCP-2130-J are to be stored in a remote desert 
warehouse, preferably on the moon. Moon missions are to be 
funded by the selective use of other SCP-2130-J instances as props 
for Junior Researcher Kimmy's sold-out comedy tour. 


+ Superseded Containment Procedures 


Researchers are encouraged to write helpful notes in all 
SCP database entries to ensure that their colleagues 
remember and appreciate the risks posed by other 
anomalies currently in containment. 


What were we thinking? That was a terrible 
idea. — Dr. C. Heap-Joke 


Description: SCP-2130-J is a bunch of office furniture that was 
found lying around at various Foundation sites. In appearance, style, 
sound, smell, taste, aura, Hume readings, feng shui, function and 
ergonomic benefits, it precisely resembles ordinary everyday office 
equipment. 


It's not though. It's actually really dangerous. One might 
even say... sooooooky. — Junior Researcher Kimmy 


kim, the last time you tried to convince us that the 
furniture was haunted, it's because you'd just stubbed 
your toe on a desk. Although watching you hop around 
was quite amusing. — Dr. "Free" Wheeler 


Hey! It really hurt, you know. — Junior Researcher 
Kimmy