SCP-738: Of course. On behalf of my client, 
his unholiness Lucifer Beelzebub Satanael, 
M.D., | am contacting you regarding an urgent 
matter that is currently having a deleterious 
effect on both of our realms. In order to 
remedy this state of affairs, we have three 
requests. The first is the transference of Great 
Earl Raum into our custody. 


Dietz: That can be arranged, depending on 
what you offer us in return. Frankly, he hasn't 
been very useful as a source of information or 
as a Subject of research. 


SCP-738: Naturally. The second and third 
requests are of far greater importance 
however. We require you to cease withdrawing 
energy from our realm, and to provide the 
following materials monthly for ten years in 
order to facilitate the replenishment of 
metaphysical heat. 


A list denoting the materials previously 
mentioned in the containment procedures 
appears on the table, and it is promptly read 
by Dietz. 


Dietz: Okay what kind of Hot Topic bullshit is 
this? | mean seriously, virgin blood and the 
number 666? This is ridiculous. 


SCP-738: You're dealing with ideo-ontological 
concepts here! Honestly if either of us has the 
right to be incensed over the nature of these 
items it is |. You simian rubes just have to 
assign belief into absurd concepts and thus 
give said concepts power in the first place. 


Dietz: In any case, you're asking for a lot. The 
materials are one thing, but the portal is now 
the source of a big chunk of our electricity. Its 


extraction is clearly harming your brethren, but 
why should we care? What's stopping us from 
siphoning your realm dry? 


SCP-738: Ah mortals. So short sighted. The 
depletion of our realm affects your world as 
much as it does ours, you mewling ingrate. 
Haven't you noticed that unlikely phenomena 
are showing up at higher and higher rates 
recently? Feats of virtual impossibility are 
becoming more and more common, that 
business with the sneeze for example. The 
depletion of our realm's heat is eroding the 
fundamental bedrock upon which all probability 
rests, you must understand that! 


Dietz: |'m... not sure | follow. 
SCP-738: Hell is freezing over. 


Footnotes 
1. More commonly known as the Pied Crow. 


Date: / / 
Test Material: Experiment Log 914 - Part Il 


Result: A record appeared in Test Logs, Part 8 of an experiment 
performed by "Guest Researcher Fred", with the rest of the data for 
said experiment blocked out. 


Date: / / 
Test Material: Finnegan's Wake by James Joyce 


Results: Due to the incomprehensible nature of Finnegan's Wake, 
researchers had difficulty in examining it. After a period of a_ hours, 
they had located several instances of the word Fred appearing in 
several parts of the novel. Researchers noted that each time, the 
sentence would differ from the style of the novel itself while also 
describing the new character as being confused, flabbergasted and 
scared. After conclusion, a subsequent interview with SCP-423 was 
conducted as to why it had not replicated the structure of writing 
used unlike previous tests. SCP-423 answered "I couldn't! It was like 
if the the Light Brigade had charged through a minefield while facing 
off against the Galactic Empire's AT-AT walkers! Nothing made 
sense! The fact it was the same author as that Ulysses book should 
have been a tip off, but | didn't think he was that crazy! If | see 
another James Joyce novel, it will be too soon." 


Notes: SCP-423's reference to the Star Wars film series and the 
Charge of the Light Brigade has been noted. How it has knowledge 
of them is currently unknown. Given SCP-423's clear reluctance in 
attempting to replicate the style of structure of the novel, this 
confirms there are limits to its capabilities. 


SCP-3305: The Father, The Son, and The Holy Toast 


Item #: SCP-3305 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: MTF Gamma-84 (Holy 
Toasters) are to be permanently stationed at SCP-3305. All 
personnel attempting to gain access to SCP-3305 without prior 
approval are to be detained, administered Class-A amnestics, and 
released. 


Should SCP-3305-1 manifest, it is to be detained by MTF 
Gamma-84 and transferred to Site-19, where it will be stored ina 
standard humanoid containment chamber. Protocol Judas is to be 
executed in the event of a containment breach meeting the required 
criteria. 


Protocol Judas 


Protocol Judas was a method of containment 
proposed by Dr. Teller to successfully detain 
and terminate SCP-3305-1, while causing 
minimal physical and psychological damage to 
those under its effects. This is only to be 
considered in the event of a containment 
breach where SCP-3305-1 is summoned, and 
has made contact with a civilian population. 


Phase 1: MTF Gamma-8é4 will bring a D-Class 
person with an ailment (from now on referred 
to as the Patient) to a building near 
SCP-3305-1. All smoke detectors inside the 
building will be disabled, and the Patient must 
be kept in a room which is not visible to the 
outside. Airplanes equipped with the suitable 
amounts of gaseous Class-B amnestics shall 


be positioned near the civilian population. 


Phase 2: MTF Gamma-8é4 will request the 
assistance of SCP-3305-1 in healing the 
Patient. It is imperative that no civilian 
personnel be allowed inside the building with 
SCP-3305-1. Given the nature of SCP-3305-1, 
if the request is made in earnest, it will comply. 


Phase 3: Once the Patient has been cured by 
SCP-3305-1 and cleared the premises, MTF 
Gamma-8é4 shall incinerate SCP-3305-1. 


Phase 4: The airplanes shall dispense the 
Class-B amnestics over the civilian population. 


Phase 5: MTF Gamma-84 is to perform a 
survey of the civilian population to identify 
individuals who retain memories of 
SCP-3305-1, and administer Class-B 
amnestics as needed. 


Description: SCP-3305 is a collection of five trees in the 
Forest with slices of white bread stapled to them. All attempts to 
remove the bread from the trees have failed. 


If a particular ritual is performed at SCP-3305 (See Document 
SCP-3305-R), then a humanoid composed of bread will appear 
(SCP-3305-1). SCP-3305-1 will offer parts of itself to eat, and 
puncture itself to produce wine to drink. This bread and wine have 
restorative properties, as individuals who have consumed them 
report being cured of all physical and mental illnesses. 


All individuals who consume part of SCP-3305-1 worship it, as well 
as bread in general. The form of this worship varies highly between 
individuals. Similarities between this effect and those observed in 
SCP-3250 and SCP-2867 are under investigation. 


While amnestics can successfully erase memories of interaction with 
SCP-3305-1, subjects under SCP-3305-1’s effects still believe in the 
existence of SCP-3305-1, and will continue to worship bread. Only 


after SCP-3305-1 has been terminated do amnestics become 
effective at erasing all memories regarding SCP-3305-1. 


Additional Documents: 
SCP-3305-R 


Materials needed: Fifty loaves of white bread, 
3.79 liters of red wine, a virgin, 18.14 
kilograms of homemade dough, 14.4 cubic 
centimeters of flour, 3.79 liters of gasoline, 
matches, and a bible. 


¢ Lay the loaves between the stapled 
pieces of bread to form a pentagram. 
(This will require all fifty loaves, 
assuming each loaf is approximately 
30.48 centimeters long). 

¢ Pour wine over all of the loaves of 
bread. 

* Move the virgin into the center of the 
center the pentagram. 

* Cover the virgin with the dough, so none 

of the virgin’s skin can be seen. 

Sprinkle the flour over the virgin, and all 

loaves of bread. 

¢ Douse the virgin in 3.03 liters of 
gasoline, and each piece of bread in 
0.19 liters. 

* Ignite all 5 pieces of bread. 

Ignite the virgin. 

From the bible, read aloud verse Mark 

14:22-24. 


After the dough rises, it takes the form of 
SCP-3305-1. It is unknown what happens to 
the virgin, as all testing indicates SCP-3305-1 
is made entirely of bread and wine. 


Event SCP-3305-A 


The following is The Foundation’s current understanding 
of what occurred during Event SCP-3305-A. All 
information was gathered from SCP-3305-1, local 
authorities before being amnestied, and Foundation 
personnel present. 


Day 1: An unknown group performs the ritual 
described in document SCP-3305-R. 
SCP-3305-1 manifests and is led to an 
abandoned church near the small town 

He is hidden for the rest of the day. 


Day 2: During the morning mass, wine and 
bread from SCP-3305-1 are served to 
attendees. 80% of was present, and 
consumed part of SCP-3305-1. At the end of 
the sermon, SCP-3305-1 introduced itself. All 
civilians in attendance acknowledge 
SCP-3305-1 as the personification of a deity. A 
banquet was held, using bread and wine from 
SCP-3305-1. 


Day 3: SCP-3305-1 visits the rest of : 
Those who appear to be afraid of SCP-3305-1 
are reprimanded against the anomaly’s will. 
SCP-3305-1 feeds one civilian afflicted with 
Alzheimer’s Disease a portion of itself. The 
civilian claims a miracle has occurred, and can 
now remember his past clearly. 


Days 4-7: Those who refuse to consume part 
of SCP-3305-1 are discriminated against by 
approximately 40% of those under the effects 
of SCP-3305-1. These individuals are often 
refused service, and are called “Gluten-Free”. 
SCP-3305-1 is unaware of the abusive 
treatment. Each night, SCP-3305-1 offers 
pieces of himself for consumption. It is 
estimated that 90% of the town have 


consumed a portion of SCP-3305-1 by Day 7. 


Day 8: Joseph Westing, the inventor of the 
“Gluten-Free” slur, announces the creation of 
The Westing Church of Wonderbread. Its 
tenets are similar to those advocated by 
SCP-3305-1, however, they believe that 
“White bread is a superior bread”. 40% of 
joins The Westing Church of Wonderbread. 


Day 9-11: Members of The Westing Church of 
Wonderbread become increasingly hostile 
toward “Gluten-Free” civilians. On Day 11, the 
Patrickson family is forced out of . The 
accounts of the Patrickson family are the first 
reports The Foundation has received 
regarding SCP-3305. MTF Gamma-84 is sent 
to investigate. 


Day 12: Members of The Westing Church of 
Wonderbread attack a bakery. Two civilians 
are stabbed to death with sharpened, stale 
baguettes, and four are beaten with the same 
weapons. SCP-3305-1 publicly denounces 
The Westing Church of Wonderbread. MTF 
Gamma-84 arrives at . MTF Gamma-84 
detains SCP-3305-1, and requests transport 
for SCP-3305-1 to Site 19. 


Day 13: While attempting to administer 
amnestics to the residents of , The 
Westing Church of Wonderbread riot. Four 
Foundation employees and twenty civilians are 
injured. After the altercation, Class-B 
amnestics are successfully administered to the 
rest of the population. SCP-3305-1 is 
interviewed by Site 19 personnel. See 
SCP-3305 Interview Log for the full transcript. 


Day 14: Residents of return to 
worshipping bread, referencing SCP-3305-1. 


The individuals responsible for The Westing 
Church of Wonderbread create another 
organization called The King’s Hawaiian 
Congregation. When asked about this, 
SCP-3305-1 replied, “They can still feel my 
presence, so they still know. Although, what 
more is faith than a feeling?” Dr. Teller 
requests the termination of SCP-3305-1. 


Day 15: Site Director Rogers approves Dr. 
Teller’s termination request. SCP-3305-1 does 
not resist personnel during the process. 
SCP-3305-1 is terminated via incineration. 


Day 16: The aviation division of MTF 
Gamma-84 administers a gaseous amnestic to 
the residents of via an air drop. The rest of 
MTF Gamma-84 surveys the town and 
administers amnestics to those who did not 
encounter the gaseous amnestic. All memories 
of SCP-3305-1 are erased, and all evidence 
that SCP-3305 exists is confiscated. MTF 
Gamma-84 is assigned to monitor SCP-3305. 


SCP-3305 Interview Log 
<Start Log> 


Dr. Teller: Hello. I'm sure you’ve been told 
that you’ve been brought here for questioning. 


SCP-3305-1: | have. There is nothing for me to 
hide. 


Dr. Teller: Well, it’s good to know you don’t 
feel uncomfortable. Can you tell me where you 
come from? 


SCP-3305-1: | come from The Great Bakery. | 


have returned to once again enlighten men 
and women in the ways of The Baker, and to 
let them feast upon my body. 


Dr. Teller: Returned? When were you here 
last? 


SCP-3305-1: | know not the passage of time 

between my last appearance and now. | can 

say for certain that massive bounds in culture 
and technology have taken place. | am quite 

impressed. 


Dr. Teller: Fair enough. What happened to 
you during your last appearance? 


SCP-3305-1: | attempted to do the same as | 
did these past weeks. | brought bread, and 
urged people to break it with one another. The 
only difference was that back then, bread and 
wine were scarce, so | was considered a 
blessing and a miracle. 


Dr. Teller: Do you not consider yourself those 
things? 


SCP-3305-1: No, no. I’m just a humble butter 
knife, spreading the words of The Baker. 


Dr. Teller: Do you feel pain when you tear off 
pieces of yourself? 


SCP-3305-1: | do, but | have grown used to it. 
| have suffered for the masses in other terrible 
ways. Giving away my blood and flesh to feed 
the hungry is but a prick in comparison. 
Speaking of which, | believe | have not offered 
you any. 


SCP-3305-1 removes a small piece of bread 
from its arm and offers it to Dr. Teller. 


Dr. Teller: Thank you, but | ate earlier, so I’m 
not hungry. 


SCP-3305-1: Very well. 


Dr. Teller: Are you aware of the actions of a 
group called “The Westing Church of 
Wonderbread”? They were responsible for an 
attack on a bakery in town for selling, and | 
quote, “Whole Grain, the heathen’s bread”. 


SCP-3305-1: | have. 


Dr. Teller: Have you spoken to this group at 
all? 


SCP-3305-1: Not directly, but | should have. | 
do not condone their message. Wonderbread 
is terribly bland. | much prefer Pepperidge 
Farm. 


<End Log> 


SCP-3306: The Murder-Go-Round 


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Item #: SCP-3306 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: An unassuming wooden 
structure, designated Site-3306, has been constructed over the area 
surrounding SCP-3306 to prevent its detection by passersby and 
satellite observation. A minimum of one dozen armed guards must 
be stationed around Site-3306 at all times to prevent the discovery 
of SCP-3306 by unauthorized persons. Guards are to be routinely 
tested on comprehensive cover stories found in DOC-3306-CS to 
ensure parity between statements. 


A secondary motorized platform has been built around the 
immediate circumference of SCP-3306 to ensure that researchers 
may comfortably communicate with 3306-POI subjects. Televisions 
and other forms of entertainment may be situated on the secondary 
platform to promote good behavior. Any recreational material 
presented to 3306-POI must approved by a Level-3 researcher. 
Material that could potentially provoke emotional distress should be 
avoided. 


Personnel are to refrain from influencing subjects’ decisions during 
Illlions Events. 


Description: SCP-3306 is a carousel amusement ride located in the 


Continental Ranges of the Canadian Rockies. It is powered by 
anomalous means and remains in constant motion. Painted wooden 
panels around SCP-3306's central hub appear to depict scenes from 
Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy. As of this writing, there are 44 
fiberglass horses attached to SCP-3306's sweeps. Each horse 
bears a stylized resemblance to a previous 3306-POI subject.