| have not had much time to investigate the diversions of the world 
outside this facility as of late, | regret, but | am told that the game of 
cricket has become quite popular in the last century. Now that, my 
friend, is a sport truly befitting a gentleman's passions! 


(The Americans, | am told, have naturally gotten it all wrong.) 
Lordlyhour writes: 


Greetings, My fine fellow! 
What, dear Gentleman, is your opinion on Facial Hair? Do you have 
any tips for one who wishes to Keep his Moustachio in Fine Fettle? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Mr. Lordlyhour - Brush, trim, and wax. Always wax. 


Drewbear writes: 


Do you have any advice with regards to beard maintenance? | am 
myself blessed with a fine and full beard, yet am prone to a degree 
of bushiness that is most distracting when laying a buss upon the 
cheek of my beloved. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 

A beard? Good heavens no, sir. You should perhaps consult a 
Russian if such matters are of import to you; | have never worn 
anything more than a fine and proper English mustache, thank you 
very much. 


SwamplessThing writes: 
If | may be so bold as to posit another question to your lordship; 
Which of Shakespeare's works are your favorite, and why? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 

Mr. SwamplessThing - the works of the Bard have constantly proven 
an inspiration to me. | have always counted "Julius Caesar" the 
finest of his works, though | hold a special place in my heart for "A 
Midsummer Night's Dream" owing to the circumstances under which 
| met Oberon himself in battle back in fifty-eight. (Should you ever 
find yourself in the land of the Fae, be warned that accepting an 
offer of drink from a lady is considered to be a proposal of marriage, 
and that the sidhe do not look kindly upon broken engagements.) 


Faminepulse writes: 
Was wondrin' if you like a good smoke with yer rosie every now an' 
then? An’ if so, what method? What brand balms yer' bristols if you 
don't mind me askin"? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Is that you, Mr. Horace? 


Drewbear writes: 


If you had but one request of the blackguards who currently detain 
you, and they must but answer it, what would it be? Unfortunately, | 
must perforce decline the question of your own freedom, as, being 
men of good intelligence, we are both aware of the unlikelihood of 
that request being granted. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 

Mr. Drewbear - The food here is sadly wanting. My captors insist on 
feeding me in the form of these strangely-flavored flakes that they 
sprinkle into the water. A decent steak, or some eel pie, or just a 
decent cup of tea would do much to improve my spirits. 


MrCobalt writes: 

| am aware of your affinity for Aether-based weaponry, but what is 
your opinion on traditional gunpowder-based firearms? Personally, | 
find there are few things that match the almost primal thrill of a 
shotgun recoiling in your grasp as it is fired; are there any more... 
advanced weapons that have that kind of kick? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Mr. Cobalt - | once had the opportunity to experiment with an 
electrically-powered "rail-gun" the Germans have been working on. 
The bloody thing nearly broke my shoulder, but it's got more punch 
than a dreadnought's broadside. Would that I'd had it with me when | 
faced down that behemoth in Persia! 


VAELynx writes: 
What is your opinion on the Great October Socialist Revolution and 
the workers' movement worldwide? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Mr. VAELynx: | am afraid | have no words with which to describe 
that rabble that are fit to print in any decent publication. 


Tuomey Tombstone writes: 


How come you even know how to use a computer - they're a little 
new for you, right? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Mr. Tuomey - Do you refer to the difference engines of Mr. 
Babbage's? | saw a demonstration of such a device in fifty-eight, 
though i'm not certain how it is relevant to our current telegraphic 
conversation. Deeds has been relaying your questions to me and 
taking dictation of my response - | assume that once he has done 
so, he is returning to the telegraph office and wiring my answers to 
the central offices of this World-Wide Web for distribution. 


Goodwill writes: 

Has the Royal Society for the Security, Containment, and Protection 
of Anomalous Artifacts ever requested your services? If so, what 
have you accomplished for the Society? Also, have you heard of the 
American Secure Containment Initiative, and their rather...loose 
requirements for what defines as paranormal phenomena? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Mr. Goodwill - the Royal Foundation and | have, shall we say, a 
colorful history together - it seems I've found them at my throat as 
often as i've found them an ally. | have not had the pleasure of doing 
business with its American counterpart, though | suspect the 
organization now holding me captive is associated with it. 


If | may follow up with a similar question, have you ever had contact 
with the elusive Professor A.W.? He's the mind behind that electro- 
mechanical memory machine, along with a few other oddities. 


| regret to declare that | have not met the man you speak of, though 
| have heard his name whispered many times at the gentlemen's 
club. 


Eric_h writes: 


Dear Lord Blackwood: | was wondering if you would share your 
experiences with Marshall, Carter, and Dark. They remain a most 
disreputable group to this day, and have caused the Foundation a 
significant amount of trouble. Any opportunities to get the upper 
hand on them would be most appreciated. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 

Mr. Eric: Those rogues operate a "gentleman's club" in 
Knightsbridge - though the name is quite misleading, as neither 
themselves nor any of the libertinous Bohemians they attract are fit 
to be called gentlemen. | have known them to be associated with 
theft, larceny, white slavery, and crimes of nature not fit to be 
discussed among Christian men, and | would sooner wipe my 
backside with the Queen's portrait (forgive my immodesty) than 
willingly do business with any of them. Mr. Dark is the only one | 
have had the displeasure to meet in person - he is a squat and 
unseemly fellow, with a scar across one eye and a beard almost 
Satanic in its cut, and his voice is harsh and discordant. He is, 
however, surprisingly adept in the art of judo, and | had quite a time 
fending him off before | could make my escape from the scene of his 
depravities with the artifact | had come to recover at the Lord 
Admiral's request. 


(Incidentally, | met a young man named Eric once. He had a most 
unusual collection of artifacts of his own. Might you and he be any 
relation?) 


eric_h replies: You knew my great-uncle? How odd. Small world, 
isn't it? 


GG Crono writes: 


My good Lord, 
Surely someone who has been through such ordeals as yourself 
knows the importance of keeping one's spirits up. So in the interest 


of raising the spirits of all, | ask you; what is the most humorous 
happening that you have come across on your travels far and wide? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 

Mr. Crono - It is a long tale that | do not know if the censors of this 
publication would allow me to relate in full, but suffice it to say that it 
involved Lord Palmerston's dog, a one-legged lady of the evening, 
and a gentleman of the Polish persuasion. 


StuporousStuart writes: 


Lord Blackwood, 

From this fine selection of participants, thou must use one action 
without repetition, three are given of each. 

Wouldst thy choose to wed, slay or lay with the following atrocities; 
SCP-136-2, SCP-1308 and SCP-096. 

COMMIT THYSELF DISCERNINGLY. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Mr. Stuart - | would most certainly slay all three! If you seek the 
company of someone who would engage in perversions with such 
monstrous aberrations, perhaps | should introduce you to my old 
schoolmate Mr. Harris. 


Dmatix writes: 


What is your weapon of choice when hunting Giant Howling Sloths? 
Those things are a bugger to corner, and have a skin as tough as a 
week old lamprey pie. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Ah, yes, Megatherium. Deceptively agile when they're angry, those 
ones. | have found that nothing smaller than an elephant gun will 
even pierce their flesh, but | must say that electric rifles are efficient 
enough at stunning them for a moment or two - long enough for your 
porters (or yourself, if you have the stomach for it) to approach from 


behind and cut its throat with an electric saw. 


Boa Noah writes: 


Dear Lord Blackwood, if a gentleman must engage in self 
gratification should he use a lubricating lotion? Do you have any 
exotic alternatives for the adventurous yet lonely explorer? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Good heavens, sir! I'll have you know that self-pollution is well- 
established to lead inevitably to illnessess of the stomach and 
digestion, loss of appetite or ravenous hunger, vomiting, nausea, 
weakening of the organs of breathing, coughing, hoarseness, 
paralysis, weakening of the organ of generation to the point of 
impotence, lack of libido, back pain, disorders of the eye and ear, 
total diminution of bodily powers, paleness, thinness, pimples on the 
face, decline of intellectual powers, loss of memory, attacks of rage, 
madness, idiocy, epilepsy, fever and finally suicide. 


If you absolutely must indulge the masculine urge while afield, you 
would be better advised (so | am told) to seek out a lady-in-waiting. 
Be wary, however, for my less morally scrupulous associates have 
told me that in Indochina it is common for men of an effeminate 
persuasion to disguise themselves as ladies, and in so doing beguile 
men of immorality out of their money. 


Lord Blackwood writes from the future: 


Thank God | brought my trusty Electro-Dynamic Curvator to send 
this back to you. There isn't much time. You need, urgently, to tell 
the Prime Minister to halt the memorial service at the Abbey next 
Sunday. There's a sniper from the future on the rooftop with one of 
Herr Buechinger-Dolmutz’s air rifles trying to kill Her Majesty. | fear 
his plan ts to divert history into a continuum in which we are 
conquered by the French on a pretext of restoring order. To prove 
this is me | give the password: Celeste. | only hope you remember 


her in your world. Now, GO! God speed, and the best of British luck. 
Lord Blackwood replies: 


Stephen, is that you? Good one, big brother - you almost had me 
going for a moment there. This is payback for that time | convinced 
you the Swedish had invaded Newcastle, isn't it? 


Trinitite writes: 


Noble Viscount, | seem to find myself a mite confused. Your title as 
Viscount of Westminster appears in breach of the sacred tradition 
that no two peers can have title to the same place at once. How was 
it not noticed in 1831 that creating the Grosvenor family 
Marquesses-and now, | hear, Dukes-of Westminster most 
treasonably violates the long Blackwood lineage? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Dear me, are the Grosvenors still at it? To hear my father tell the 
tale, that disreputable clan has been trying to usurp my family's titles 
since before the Protestant Reformation, and they've sided with the 
most disreputable sorts - Yorkists, Spaniards, Cromwellians, even 
that blasted Prince Charlie and his horde of Scottish pretenders - to 
try and wrest it from us. Legend has it that the feud goes all the way 
back to a slight that occurred between their progenitor and my own 
during the Hundred Years War - of course, they claim that it was 
Robert de Forét-Noir who was responsible, and not t'other way 
around. Foolish louts. 


Trinitite writes: 


Dear Lord Blackwood, 
Is it true that you are made of win? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


I'm afraid | don't understand the expression, Mr. Trinitrite. | am 


merely a man of flesh and blood like any other. True, | have won a 
great many times, but to win is an act, not a substance of which one 
can be composed. 


Doktori writes: 


Lord Blackwood, have you heard of a rising academical named A. 
Einstein? | hear he has some interesting ideas about the 
photoelectric effect as well as gravity. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Dr. Tori - | met a teenaged Swiss by that name in ninety-seven. He 
seemed to be quite a contemplative young man with an interest in 
matters physical. | lent him six shillings for carriage fare and he 
promised to pay me back once he wins Mr. Nobel's endowment. 

Has he done so, do you know? | am quite certain that with interest, 
that loan should be more than enough to bribe the watchmen here to 
get me some decent scotch, or at least a cup of tea. 


| don't believe he will receive Mr. Nobel's prize until the early 1920's. 
I'm afraid you may not receive your money, but | would greatly enjoy 
sharing a nice cask of Mortlach or Speyside with you. 


J THOMPSON BRADLEY, ESQ. (U.K. CITIZEN) WRITES: 
HELLO LORD %{NAME}, 


May our lord Christ bless you and keep you. | am J Thompson 
Bradley Esq. a United Kingdom Citizen and Registered Barrister. | 
am Attorney of Law to the deceased Oil Executive Mr. John 
Hamilton of BRITISH PETROLUEM Inc. based in Basra Iraq. 


On June 13, 2012 my client Mr. HAMILTON was killed in an 
aeroplane accident in Iraq. At the time of his death certain oil leases 
in my client's name had been sold and the money deposited into his 
confidential fiduciary account. | have been authorized by BRITISH 
PETROLUEM to repatriate my client's funds to his next of kin. 


However, Mr. HAMILTON has no known living relatives and under 
UNITED KINGDOM law within three months if a next of kin is still 
unfound his funds must revert to Her Majesties' Government. 


| write to you today in the hopes of your assistance in repatriating 
the £25million to United Kingdom of funds currently held in escrow in 
UNITED BANK OF IRAQ to allow us time to find next of kin of mr 
HAMILTON. In return for your aid we would pay a fee of (10%) of 
funds. 


All | require is your honest and confidential co-operation to see this 
deal through. Please contact me with your full names, address in 
UNITED KINGDOM, bank account number, and fax no. to allow us 
to further discuss this situation. 


Your obedient servant, 

J THOMPSON BRADLEY ESQ. (UK CITIZEN) 
Lord Blackwood replies: 

"Aeroplane"? "Iraq"? "Fax"? "2012"? 


Dear me, is this another one of those bizarre religious pitches from 
the Latter-Day Saints? 


Spacecadet writes: 

Dear Lord Blackwood, 
Boxers or briefs? 

Lord Blackwood replies: 
Union suit. 

McKinteer writes: 


Dear Lord Blackwood, 


with tinted visors which prevent the face from being visible. 
Instances are sapient and capable of communication in English. 
After exiting the pond, SCP-792-2 will retrieve fully formed instances 
of SCP-792-1 and place them in the pond, where they will 
disappear. This process takes two days to complete. An average of 
13% of fully grown instances of SCP-792-1 are not taken through 
the pond. Instead, instances of SCP-792-2 will construct a large 
bonfire in the center of SCP-792 and burn them. The purpose of this 
is currently unknown. If questioned, instances of SCP-792-2 are 
generally cooperative, but will refuse to leave the area and show 
anxiety to begin working again. 


Level 3 clearance or higher is required to view the following document 
Addendum 9A 
Interview 792-4 
Interviewed: SCP-792-2 
Interviewer: Senior Researcher L 


Foreword: On 12/ /97, a single instance of 
SCP-792-2 emerged from SCP-792 and 
requested to speak with the person in charge 
of the containment of SCP-792. After some 
deliberation, Senior Researcher L chose 
to conduct an interview. 


<Begin Log> 


Senior Researcher L : Why did you want 
to talk to me? 


SCP-792-2: Your research is [pause] 
disrupting our work. 


Senior Researcher L : And your work is? 
SCP-792-2: [pause] Farming. 


Senior Researcher L : Yes, we