“Nope, you're my work today!” she announced excitedly. “I usually 
work the crowd in between shows, but Icky said that today | should 
be your personal attendant to make sure you don’t miss anything the 
Circus has to offer!” 


“That’s...so kind of you. Thank you,” he said with a forced smile. 


“Come on, we've got a lot to do,” she said, taking his hand and 
dragging him into the throng of striped tents and caravans. “Do you 
want to go to the midway first? You could win me an enormous prize 
and make Icky super jealous!” 


“That really doesn’t sound like a good idea to me.” 


“Yeah, maybe not. No offense, but every booth operator we have 
would mark you as a sucker. Well, you’re our VIP, so you should 
choose where we go. There’s the Menagerie of Mayhem, Den of 
Freaks, Hall of Humans Extraordinaire...” 


“Step right up, Step right up. Come and behold the wonders and 
horrors that lie within Fuller's Fantastic Fun-lover’s Funhouse!” a 
man in a pinstripe suit announced loudly. 


“The Funhouse! Yes yes yes! We should go to the Funhouse. Come 
on!” 


She grabbed hold of his hand again and pulled him over to a 
whimsically painted caravan with a large sign reading ‘HERMAN 
FULLER PROUDLY PRESENTS THE FANTASTIC FUN-LOVER’S 
FUNHOUSE!’ 


“Hey there Lollipop, who’s the young fella you’ve got with ya?” the 
pinstripe-suited man asked. Though well-dressed, he still looked 
more or less like what Victor thought of when he pictured a carny. 
He had a weathered face with a dark grey beard and greasy hair in 
a ponytail. His smile made it clear he wasn’t a Clown, since his teeth 
were off-colour, crooked and riddled with silver fillings. 


“This is Victor Chan. He’s from Emcee D and he’s our VIP guest 


today,” Lolly introduced him. “Victor, this is Alfie. He looks after all of 
the Circus’s Fun-lovers, which is a very important job. Without the 
Fun-lovers, we wouldn’t be able to have any Clowns or cotton 
candy. Can you imagine a circus without Clowns and cotton candy?” 


“Fun-lovers? That’s what you call those... milking creatures, right?” 
Victor asked nervously. 


“How do you know about Fun-lovers?” Lolly asked. 


“From the same source that told us about the Utterly Bazaar. He 
said that once a couple of Clowns were there with a Fun-lover that 
ended up getting loose.” 


Lolly threw her head back and laughed. 


“Yeah, we were laughing about that for weeks. They never let Pius 
or Eugene in again after that. But yes, this is where we keep the 
Fun-lovers. It’s kind of like a barn or a kennel or something. Keeps 
them out of trouble anyway. But you don’t have anything to worry 
about. Manny got fed up with Morty’s antics a while ago and sent 
him back home. We don’t keep Fun-lovers as crazy as that around 
anymore. Just come in with me and you'll see that they’re 
awesome.” 


“What do we do in there? Is it like a petting zoo?” 


“No, but we have a petting zoo! Do you want to see the petting 
zoo?” 


“Don't see the petting zoo,” Alfie said with a solemn shake of his 
head. “It’s for kids, and the best thing they got there is the Obama 
Llama we got from that delivery service, though it has been an 
especially big hit ever since the election. Son, of all the sensational 
spectacles this Circus has to offer, none can compare to the 
existential experience that is Fuller's Fabulously Fantastic Fun- 
lovers’ Funhouse.” 


Victor groaned uneasily, which was perhaps an under-reaction 
considering he was being asked to step into a confined space with 
an unknown number of extradimensional monstrosities of unclear 


abilities and intent. 
“And you've been in here before?” he asked Lolly. 


“Loads of times. I’ve been coming in here since | was a kid, and kids 
come in here all the time as long they’re over four feet tall. You'll 
love it, and | promise nothing bad will happen.” 


Though Victor still found Herman Fuller’s Circus as disquieting as its 
name intended, he had no reason to doubt Lolly’s sincerity. 


“Alright then. Let's see some Fun-lovers,” he agreed. Lolly jumped 
up and down, excitedly clapping her hands. 


“You won't be disappointed, son,” Alfie smiled, unhooking the red 
velvet rope to allow them access to the caravan. “Normally | escort 
groups through the Funhouse personally, but | think Lolly can handle 
giving you a private tour. Just don’t wander off though.” 


“Wait, what? What do you mean by ‘wander off'?” Victor asked as he 
stood by the front door with Lolly’s arm wrapped around his. 


“You'll see when you get in there,” Alfie replied, placing his hand on 
a lever. “Oh, and watch that first step...” 


He pulled the lever and a trap door opened underneath them, 
dropping them down a chute. Over the screams of Victor and the 
laughter of Lolly he could be heard to shout “...it’s a doozy!” 


The chute zigged and zagged like a tube slide at a water park, and 
at one point Victor swore he was actually moving up. After nearly a 
minute they were finally deposited inside a ball pit of fuzzy, warm 
and possibly breathing furballs. 


As Victor tried to pull his way out of the ball pit, Lolly was of course 
giggling hysterically as she frolicked in the hirsute hole. 


“Furball fight!” she shouted, throwing the furry projectiles at Victor as 
quickly as she could pick them up. They were too soft and light to 
hurt him, but with each impact they made a sort of distressed 
squeaking sound that was somewhat unnerving. 


Subject was very pleased with the results and requested a personal 
copy of the created music. This request was denied. 

Subject Comments: /EXPLETIVE REDACTED] yeah! This is 
awesome! 


Subject: E-Class Personnel,E W __ . Subject's favorite genre is 
Adult Alternative and has experience in playing guitar. 

Artist Profile:E W _ is one of today's biggest names in acoustic 
pop and soul, sharing the same bill with such names as John Mayer 
and Jack Johnson.E W _ began playing guitar at the age of eight 
and continued onto other instruments such as piano, trumpet, and 
drums.E W _ alsostarred in Disney's High School Musical 
series, competing with Summerland star Zac Efron for the role of 
Troy. 

Music Results: Music is very relaxed and modern-sounding. Lyrics 
mostly concern romance and recreational activities. Subject stated 
multiple songs were originally written by him, but were all of much 
higher quality, both in writing, performance, and recording quality. 
Subject was surprised and initially very happy, but later saddened by 
the test results. 

Subject Comments: God, | wish | could sing like that. 


Subject: Level 2 Security, Agent E  . Subject does not normally 
listen to music, but would like to hear the results. 

Artist Profile: D =. ©UNKNOWN ARTIST 00000 

Music Results: Music consisted of seventy-two (72) tracks, all 
labeled by number. Each track contains a condensed autobiography 
of the subject by year, narrated by the subject himself in a clear, 
theatrical voice. Personnel initially questioned the accuracy of the 
autobiography due to the inaccuracies of the previous tests, but 
track number - (_) confirmed its accuracy when the narrator 
referred to this very test, stating that the subject will leave the room 
when they begin playing track seventy-two (72). The subject 
became distraught by the remaining biography as [DATA 
EXPUNGED] and subsequently left the testing room by track 
seventy-one (71). Two-thirds through the final track, the narrator 
begins to scream as [DATA EXPUNGED], presumably killing him. 
The sounds of [REDACTED] and inhuman cackling are heard for the 
remainder for the track. 

Subject Comments: / never want to know what happens to me on 


Victor pulled himself out of the pit and onto the floor. He stayed 
there on his hands and knees for a moment, trying to regain his 
composure. After a few deep breaths, he looked up to assess his 
surroundings. 


“Holy shit.” 
“| know. It’s awesome, right?” 
“| have a sudden urge to quote Doctor Who.” 


The interior of the Funhouse was enormous, probably bigger than 
any man-made structure in existence. It felt like he could see for 
miles in every direction, though for some reason he was having a 
hard time judging distance. The ceiling (or was it the sky?) was 
covered in constantly changing fractal patterns that bathed the 
surreal landscape in a soft, shifting glow. The ground itself appeared 
to be made of Play-Doh, slowing undulating with shapes and 
sculptures emerging from it in the distance. Groves of twisty pipe 
cleaner trees dotted the landscape, and rivers of iridescent paint 
meandered through the quixotic realm. 


“Is it really bigger on the inside or did we teleport?” Victor asked, 
rising to his feet. 


“It's a pocket dimension; a whole itty-bitty universe that we can take 
on tour with us!” she replied enthusiastically, hopping out of the pit. 


“Is it always like this?” 


“No! That's the awesome part! In here the Fun-lovers are gods with 
complete control over time, space, matter, even the laws of physics! 
One time they lowered the speed of light down to under ten miles an 
hour, and you could feel relativistic effects just from walking around! 
Then this other time...” 


She was interrupted by two creatures dropping down from the 
ceiling. They bounced up and down like Super Balls for a bit before 
finally coming to a rest. They were both translucent black organ 
sacks a few feet across. One was held up by spider legs, the other 
by tentacles. Victor cautiously retreated behind Lolly, hoping that 


she could deal with them. 


“Ripley! Bailey! What's the matter with you? We have a guest! Make 
yourselves decent!” 


The two creatures dipped their bodies, possibly a bow of deference, 
and with a quick shimmer they assumed tall humanoid forms clad in 
pinstripe suits in the same style Alfie had been wearing. Each also 
wore a Carnival mask over its seemingly blank face. The first, Ripley, 
wore a feminine mask with a subdued expression, while Bailey wore 
a man’s face with a bulbous nose and wide smile. The two beings 
took lanky, alien strides over to their friend and her guest, examining 
him with swiftly swivelling heads. 


“Ripley and Bailey, huh?” Victor asked. 


“Yeah, Icky said that Fuller liked to name Fun-lovers after rivals and 
enemies of his,” Lolly replied. “He was not the kind of guy you 
wanted to piss off. | bet there’s no one in all the worlds happier 
about Barnum and Bailey’s Circus going under than Herman Fuller. 
Not that Icky and Manny aren’t happy about it; less competition for 
us and all. 

“Ripley, Bailey, this is Victor. He’s our VIP guest so | need you to 
show him an extra special time.” 


The Fun-lovers started making chittering noises at each other. Their 
tone sounded confused, maybe irritated. Ripley lowered her head 
and sighed, then turned to face Lolly. 


“Grownups are no fun,” she said in a raspy voice. “Look how scared 
he is. Children see the wonder of this place, appreciate the magic 
that grownups would rather lock away in a tiny cell. I’m not doing a 
tour without any kids.” 

“Me neither,” Bailey agreed, nodding like an actual bobblehead. 
“Excuse me?” Lolly asked angrily, placing her hands on her hips. 


“| don’t want to be a bother. Why don’t we just wait until the next tour 
group comes along and we can join them?” 


“No! You’re a VIP guest; that means you get VIP treatment!” Lolly 


said, stomping her foot petulantly. 


“And we're Fun-lovers, which means we love fun,” Bailey said. “If 
something’s not fun for us, we’re not interested.” 


“You wouldn’t want our Milk to go sour, now would you?” Ripley 
asked in a vaguely threatening tone. "You know how corrosive sour 
Milk can get." 


“Your Milk’s not going to go sour from giving one boring tour, you're 
just making excuses!” Lolly accused. “I have a very important job 
today showing our VIP guest the Circus and you are making me look 
foolish!” 


“You’re a Clown,” Ripley said in a deadpan voice. 
“lam the assistant Ringmaster...” 
“*To the’,” Bailey interjected. 


“You guys get NBC in here?” Victor asked, more confused than 
ever. 


“lam the Ringmaster’s assistant and playmate and | demand to be 
treated with respect! You will take me and my VIP guest on a private 
tour of the Funhouse, or | will be telling Manny about how 
disrespectful you were to one of our business partners. You know 
how important client relations are to Manny, so he’s not going to be 
happy about this, and how do you think Icky will react when | tell her 
you made her little Lollipop cry?” 


“You're not...” Ripley began, only to see that Lolly was pouting and 
her eyes were watering, and she was one wrong word away from 
bursting into tears. “Oh alright. One private tour for the VIP guest 
coming up.” 


With a flourish of her hand, a horse-drawn sleigh made of Play-Doh 
arose from the ground. “Hop in.” 


“Thank you,” Lolly said, grabbing Victor by the hand and pulling him 
into the sleigh. 


“Maybe we can still find a way to have a little fun with this guy along 
the way?” Bailey whispered to his companion. 


“Maybe,” she nodded in reply. Bailey sat up in the box to drive the 
sleigh, while Ripley rode in the passenger compartment with the 
others. 


“I’m sorry you had to see me like that,” Lolly said to Victor, dabbing 
her tears with a clown hankie. “Can | get some Milk, please? You 
guys really killed my buzz.” 


Ripley produced an empty milk bottle with a snap of her fingers. 


“Vicky, you might want to look away,” she warned. Victor happily 
obliged, having no great curiosity as to how Fun-lovers were milked. 
“There you are, Lolly. Doesn’t get any fresher than that.” 


“Thank you,” she said, snatching the bottle eagerly and chugging 
down its contents. 


“Hey go easy on that. I’m not milking you if you drink too much,” 
Ripley cautioned. 


“Woo!” Lolly screamed after she stopped to take a breath. “That is 
liquid happiness. I’m better now, | feel like myself again. So what's 
our first stop?” 


“Hmmm. How about a round of miniature golf? You business types 
tend to like the full sized version, don’t you? What do you say? It will 
give you a chance to work on your putt.” 


“Oh, please please please please please say yes!” Lolly pleaded. “I 
love miniature golf!” 


“Mini golf sounds great,” Victor agreed. 
“To the putting greens then! Mush!” Bailey shouted. 
“We’re not dogs!” one of the clay horses objected. 


“Well, giddy up then. Just move!” he said with a crack of the reins. 
The sleigh sped off through the hills of pastel coloured putty, though 


to Victor it seemed that the landscape was rushing past them as he 
felt no inertia and his perspective became completely warped, 
fractals and Play-Doh all blurring together into one unintelligible 
panorama. 


Just as Victor thought he was about to pass out the vista in front of 
him settled down into something coherent. He was at what appeared 
to be an ordinary mini-golf course. The sleigh was gone, and he and 
Lolly were now seated upon two ponies. 


“Where did Ripley and Bailey and go?” he asked confused. 
“We're right here,” was the reply straight from the horse’s mouth. 
“Oh. You’re ponies now. But why are we riding you?” 


“To play golf. Duh,” Lolly replied. Gripping her club she screamed 
“FORE!” and her steed charged forward. When she struck her bright 
pink ball it went flying at an impossible speed, bouncing off of every 
obstacle at just the right angle to ensure it hit the next one, and 
Victor wondered if it would ever hit the ground. 


“Miniature polo. Interesting,” he remarked. 
“It’s the sport of very small kings,” Bailey informed him. 


The golf ball whizzed by them a few more times leaving a hot pink 
contrail as it went, bouncing off a miniature Eiffel tower, pinwheel 
bladed windmill, and a (live) purple giraffe with a corkscrew neck 
until it finally ended up in the 1st hole.