Test E-Y-G: SCP-887 was introduced to Blade, and the pair were 
left alone in the same room for a 14-hour period. The next morning, 
SCP-887 was found to have covered the room's walls and 
furnishings with gushing, purple prose regarding "He of the luscious 
hair and ebon armour" and several pretty pictures of smiling suns on 
happy meadows. 


Test O-M-343: SCP-343 breached containment only to reappear 
next to Blade, and attempted to initiate a high five. Blade left him 
hanging, and commented "I don't believe in you.". SCP-343 
immediately vanished, and is now listed as decommissioned. 


Test WTF-LOL-BBQ: Soundly humiliated SCP-076-2 by pulling a 
katana from another dimension, then having said katana pull 
another, smaller katana out of a different dimension. 


SCP-sqrt(-1)-J 


Item #: SCP-$\saqrt{-1}$ -J1 


Object Class: Imaginary? 


Figure 1. A suspected on-screen manifestation, taken during a viewing of 


Disney's Mulan 2. Duration is 4 milliseconds. A reproduction of the unadulterated 
cognitohazard (probably inactive, probably; bottom-left) is included for 
comparison. 


Special Containment Procedures: It is mandatory that Foundation 
researchers involved in the here-mentioned studies not view any 
movie suspected of containing instances of SCP-$\saqrt{-1}$ -J in 
order to preserve clinical purity. The same researchers are to accept 
the existence of SCP-§$\sqrt{-1}$ -J as axiomatic and ignore the 
naysayers. Inklings to hypothesize "more likely" reasons for the 
central question of this research project are to be resisted because 
the author desperately needs to publish something and quick, you 


guys. 


In the event of never-before-approved, research-oriented 
screenings, testers of the study group are not to participate without 
cellophane lenses that are impregnated with tourmaline-based 
anaglyph technology and capable of antagonizing Aleph Meta level 
cognitoadverse effects. To protect further, and as a failsafe in the 
event of (1) an equipment malfunction or (2) the emergence of 
tourmaline-resistant instances, testers are to maintain 75% 
contraction of their orbicularis oculi muscles? for the duration of the 
film(s). Electrodes may be placed to assist in the sustainment of said 
contractions. 


Two research personnel per participating theater are to covertly 
crouch outside the cinematic premiers of movies fitting the likely 


habitat of SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$-J, stenographing the content and 
calculating the concentration of both favorable and unfavorable 
criticisms as movie-goers leave the theater or venue. If approached 
with suspicion by any non-Foundation personnel, researchers are to 
immediately begin diversional maneuvers as outlined by Protocol 
SQRT—1.4 


Description-1:5 SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$-J is not: 


* a3-part spatial anomaly in an abandoned mobile juice bar that 
can convert any nipple into an industry-quality juicer. 

¢ a VHS cassette depicting a puppet that hesitantly admonishes 
you to rewind the tape and makes your finger inexhaustibly 
itchy until you press "Play". 

* apack of crayons that are anomalously incapable of coloring 
but may or may not begin sleeping when flirted with. 

* acummerbund which when worn grants the adorner the ability 

to whisper in any language when less than 5 inches from 

another's ear. 

a fucking plush toy for God's sake that gives adultery-inspiring 

massages that are isolated to the philtrum. 

* a BE-Class-Migration-End-of-Consciousness-Scenario-worthy 
ounce of dietary fiber. 

* about bees. 

* acompulsion-impinging didgeridoo that can only be resisted 
at close proximity when twerking to Top-20 hits. 

* a 50 year old Caucasian male who anomalously enjoys pulling 

up his socks on his calves and who can be heard saying 

"C'mon, who likes slouchy socks?" each time he does. 

a series of obtuse ritual motions that cause a// one's body hair 

to be curly and lush but that also increases the risk of being 

poached in proportion to the gravity-defying volume evoked. 

* arampant archival phenomenon whereby the surnames of 

individuals in official documentation are replaced by their 

childhood nicknames. 

an infectious telephone call which spontaneously answers on 

recipients’ phones and adds them to a Guinness Book of 

World Records campaign for the largest teleconference 

involuntarily assembled. 


SCP-552: Ahead of His Time 


Item #: SCP-552 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-552 is to be contained ina 
room furnished as standard living quarters. All furniture is to be 
padded and bolted into place to prevent accidental collisions. 
Reading material may be provided at the subject's request, but any 
discussion of current events is to be censored. A screen is to play 
time-delayed security footage of the subject’s containment facility to 
enable communication. The time delay should be updated once a 
week to keep pace with the subject’s progressing condition. 


SCP-552 is to be gagged and kept in full body restraints to prevent 
self-harm. It is not to be stored in any facility containing other SCPs 
or transported through any populated areas. 


Description: SCP-552 is a middle-aged human male. The subject’s 
sensory systems display an anomalous temporal distortion: it cannot 
perceive its surroundings as they currently are, but only as they will 
be in the near future. SCP-552 is otherwise physically 
unremarkable. The subject's physical form can be interacted with 
normally, but its reactions to any interaction will have already 
occurred. It is fully cognizant of its condition, and will sometimes 
attempt to time its reactions to interact normally with researchers. 


The subject's temporal distortion has grown more pronounced over 
time. When first secured by the Foundation in 19 , it perceived 
events slightly under one second into the future. Within a year, the 
subject was noted responding to questions two seconds before they 
were asked. The temporal distortion has widened at an accelerating 
rate since then, reaching an 18-month gap after 10 years of 
containment. 


The subject’s predictive capabilities are substantial but not flawless. 


Description: No, SCP-§$\sqrt{-1}$ -J is a theoretical Aleoh-Class 
audiovisual cognitohazard, postulated by the up-and-coming, so-hot- 
right-now Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D. to explain wholly or in 
part the financial success and continuation of unfavorably-reviewed 
installments® in modern movie franchises. Foundation investigation 
arose after wondering how a previous Lead Researcher became 
exceedingly wealthy. 


Reveal private journal entries that aren't necessary 
to this read and that quite frankly have nothing 
to do with you or any of your business. 


Dear sickeningly non-anomalous 
journal, 


I'm again beaten to the punch. 
Someone already published a paper 
on horses with some anomalous 
nanoparticles integrated into them 
that seek boredom’. It's always so 
bittersweet to find one's feet in the 
footprints of the greats! 


I've been a Foundation doctoral 
intern for...6 years now and have 
very little to show for it. How hard it is 
to get dibs on an anomaly, huh? How 
many of them are there now? 4000? 
All | need is just one. Preferably, a 
big one that yields some exploitable 
technology and | can retire on the 
royalties, like did for 
himself. | wonder what he did exactly 
to get his fortune... 


- Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D. 


P.S. Ever since | used that topical 


cream, my cheeks have been sticking 
together. | have to pull them apart 
and sometimes even ask for help 
from strangers. | wonder if that's a 
known side effect...maybe it's an 
anomalous side effect?! I'll hopefully 
write soon with an answer. 


Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D.: "...Hey 
Jacob, didn’t one time say 
something about making a deal with Disney 
about some cognitohazard that had an obvious 
financial application in movies?8...That 
asshole.” 


Dear still-disappointingly-regular 
journal, with no predictive or creative 
capabilities by which my career could 
be established, 


We have a heading! 


No thanks to you, 
Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D. 


P.S. | stopped a fellow employee who 
was walking by the restroom about 
the issue | last mentioned. He 
happened to be a 
anomaloproctologist and was kind 
enough to take a video log for me on 
my cellphone. The picture is blurry 
though and not centered...! wonder if 
he was even looking, or maybe he 
was missing his glasses? Maybe my 
rear instills an anomalous effect in 
electronic devices ?? | will review this 
footage more thoroughly later and 
report. He denied my request to have 
a sample processed is his home lab 
for diagnostics (he apparently doesn't 


have a home lab, oddly enough), but 
was very accommodating otherwise 
and | would recommend him to 
anyone, especially my peers. 


The theoretical basis for SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J was probably developed 
in 2001 by former Site-42 Memetics & Cognitohazards Department 
Lead Researcher and asshole 9, who retired in 2005 and 
most likely shared the cognitohazard with film studio executives for 
an obvious financial application. SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J is assumed to 
now be in the possession of all major film studio and distribution 
corporations in the United States 
| The Foundation understands squinting for 2 hours at a time can be hard. Agent 

L Rodgers enjoys the help from the provided electrodes. 


ae J 


Upon witnessing SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J, and with increasing enthusiasm 
after each exposure, individuals will be willing or inclined to see a 
proposed next installment in a franchise or series. Additionally, 
individuals with a Psychic Resistance Scale score of < 65 will 
respond with critical enthusiasm to the film employing descriptors 
such as "well done", "awesome", "really really good", and in the 
case of sequels, "even better than the last one,” regardless of the 
installment's content. Foundation anomalosensitive modeling 
predicts that the severity of SCP-$\saqrt{-1}$ -J instances is to 
increase as a result of current 3D/IMAX film technology by orders of 
magnitude approximating 12 Michael Bays (or $0.\overline{9394}$ 
Jerry Bruckheimers).19.11 


While the author admits that it has not been proven per se that the 
implicated corporations possess the capacity to create SCP-$ 
\sqrt{-1}$ -J, the likelihood of the observed outcome(s) with respect 
to the films' ratings and earnings without the use of SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$- 
J is $\approx {1 \over 9.6e968}$, rendering the assumption (1) 
essential with respect to the conceptual comprehension of the 
observed gross revenue numbers, and (2) pragmatically actionable 
as fact. 


Figure 2. Foundation Agents (the adults plus Dr. “Jimmy” Banks, Ph.D., circled 
and just prior to sneezing on a Class-C participant) attending a screening of ,jr 


Bud 3: World Pup: This was part of a randomized trial to test the efficacy of the 
then-available and much-cheaper safety goggles. 


Table of Suspiciously Successful Example Movie 
Franchises and Their SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J Coefficients 


Tickle Table 


via aloaare 


a | pe 


or (201 

A ne 

pain 
(2014) \ 
Cap tai 
(2016), | 


ost 2006. in chronological order of release 
Highest-grossing installments are in bold type. Movies of higher 
questionableness are in italicized type and merit additional scrutiny. 
Unreleased titles are dimmed and are included in models as super- 
duper-theoretical data. 

** Categorization of Disproportionate Earnings 


fe él 


(2014), 


| —“(‘(CCWE tSagn— (CO 


Amnestic-Facilitated Interrogation: Pol $\sqrt{-1}$. 


Level 4 Security Clearance Required 


Dr. Bs: Alright Jimmy you little tit brie, the jib 
is up. 


Jacob: Jesus calm down, he's a child and his 
name is Hiro. 


Pol $\sqrt{-1}$: Can | go back to the 
Foundation Day Care? 


Dr. B s: Once you explain well enough why 
you were attempting to see another Land 
Before Time movie in there, son. 


Pol $\sqrt{-1}$: Where is my dad? 


Dr. Bs: Wise guy, eh? What if | pop you with 


some Class-Xs? Hmm? 
Pol $\sqrt{-1}$: Like X-Men? 


Dr. Bs: No these are classified pills that can 
selectively erase memories of our choosing. 
Look here boy. 


Pol $\sqrt{-1}$: Are those Smarties? 
Dr.B_s: They...are. 

(Pol $\sqrt{-1}$ eats the Class-X amnestics.) 
Jacob: WHA-...What are you doing?!? 


Dr. Bs: What do you have to say for yourself 
now, Jimmy? 


Pol $\sqrt{-1}$: Who is my dad? 


Dr. Bs: Not so wise anymore are you? Tell 
me; would you like to go watch the new Land 
Before Time movie that's coming out? 


Pol $\sqrt{-1}$: (excited) #4 is coming out?! 


Dr.B s: ...it's at #14 now. (To Jacob) Both 
the X's and the cognitohazard are stronger 

than | anticipated. Let's keep him for further 
interrogation. 


Jacob: What the hell man?! 


Dr. B_ s: Hey kid, do you remember who you 
are? 


Pol $\sqrt{-1}$: Umm...my name is Jimmy? 


Dr. Bs: (To Jacob) See? It's fine. (Back to 
Hiro Jimmy) So, do you want to work for us? 
Right now we're studying movies, so to speak. 


If you say yes, you can see all the Land Before 
Time movies that they make. 


Pol $\sqrt{-1}$: Are you the X-files? 


Dr.B_ s: Uhno...but | guess at the same 
time, yes. 


Pol $\sqrt{-1}$: Are you and doctor? 


Dr. Bs: It's "a" doctor, kid. And well, my 
name contains both "Dr." and "Ph.D.", so... 


Pol $\sqrt{-1}$: Can | be and doctor? 


Dr. Bs: (To Jacob) Are there anti-child labor 
regulations in the Foundation? 


Jacob: I'm calling Kerosara man. 


Dr. Bs: Ohc'mon his dad works with us and 
it's inevitable he will too one day...might as 
well be now and for me. We could call it an 
"youth internship". 


Pol $\sqrt{-1}$: When is tomorrow? 


Dr. Bs: Well, | think this is enough to get us 
an interview log, right? Welcome aboard son! 


Pol $\sqrt{-1}$: Dad?! 


Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D. was scheduled for a defense of this 
dissertation on 6/21/18, at 10:00. However he has not been located since 
the online submission of this proposal. 


All in favor of thesis rejection: 


view source 


Footnotes 

1. Request by the author to change number designation to a real 
number has been denied. 

2. Request by the author to change classification to "at leasta priori" 
has been denied. 

3. Results in squinting. 

4. "If approached by a civilian or civilians, agents should maintain 
the guise of being homeless, preferably excusing themselves to 
micturate and/or defecate in any appropriately shaped receptacle or 
natural concavity, maintaining constant visualization with the 
civilian(s) until the post is safe to reapproach. Extended grunting has 
been correlated with increased efficacy. If successful production of 
stool is observed during such a manuever, the guise of vagrancy is 
to be discontinued and proper hygiene is to be performed. 
Conversely, if approached by a constabulary authority, agents 
should begin proselytizing abstruse esoterics of whichever hobby is 
most familiar to them.These diversional maneuvers are intended to 
counterbalance any suspicion with disinterest and/or disgust in lieu 
of the Foundation not supporting any other proposed 
countermeasures, or the funding thereof." 

5. The following were theses posed by the author throughout 
hiscareertenancy, but were rejected by senior leadership because 
each has already been researched extensively, some to the limit of 
their usefulness. They are included here because the author 
believes he independently anticipated their scientific fertility, and that 
is something. 

6. Per aggregate scores such as Rotten Tomatoes. 

7.Blakely, W., Michaels, J., Fond, M. On the Propensity of 
Nanoparticulate Anomalies found in Fillies to Facilitate Indolent 
Behaviour.Periodically Nanomaly, iss. 3, pgs 54-59. 2018. Accessed 
19, April 2018.URL. 

8. Jacob said he thought so. 

9. 

10. 1 Michael Bay = 1 Kaiju-Class instantiation/film/year. 

11. These studies ignored the possibility that the growth may be