Thaumiel articles must also include your own character. This 
character cannot already exist in the SCP Foundation. Bonus points 
are awarded based of how much of a Mary Sue they are and how 
vehemently you attempt to show (in the story) that they aren't 
actually. 


Troy Lament ahdHercules 
the Terror Rockefeller 
Ferrets of 


g 
CASEFILE 99A- asriel17 
FC3: A Psych 
Profile by A. 
Bjornsen 
Agent Imants | Eekium 
Plumbing Pool 
Repair and 
Pizza Delivery 


Pretty Magic rumetzen 
Gaiden Mecha 

Tokyo Mon 

Demon Ninja 


funny when 
Sheldon Katz 


Zyn: kaiju Aiden Eldritch | 4 
butterfly ninja 

master 

The Tilda MooseA Random Day -7 
Who Shagged 

vie 

Alto Clef Jr.: DolphinSlugchuggér 
Fins of the 


A Fat Ghost and DoctorGrindsler 0 
Other Things 
That Go Bump 


Virgil the DAVSTO 

Goldfish's Big 

Day Ou 

Silber Strikes | ahbonjour 3 2 
Back! (OC DO 


Event 19: Attempt is made to destroy SCP-579. Attempt failed. 
[DATA EXPUNGED] 


Event 20: Attempt is made to destroy SCP-579. Attempt failed. 
[DATA EXPUNGED] 


Event 21: Attempt is made to destroy SCP-579. Attempt failed. 
[DATA EXPUNGED] 


Event 22: Containment failed. [DATA EXPUNGED] 

Event 23: [DATA EXPUNGED] 

Event 24: [DATA EXPUNGED] 

Event 25: SCP-579 is successfully contained. [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Event 26: SCP-579 is transported to vicinity of Point of Origin. 
[DATA EXPUNGED] 


Event 27: Attempted to return SCP-579 to point of origin. Attempt 
failed. [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Event 28: Attempted to return SCP-579 to point of origin. Attempt 
failed. [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Event 29: Attempted to return SCP-579 to point of origin. Attempt 
failed. [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Event 30: Attempted to return SCP-579 to point of origin. Attempt 
failed, resulting in the loss of Point of Origin. [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Event 31: Containment failed. [DATA EXPUNGED] 
Event 32: [DATA EXPUNGED] 
Event 33: [DATA EXPUNGED] 
Event 34: [DATA EXPUNGED] 
Event 35: [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Event 36: SCP-579 is successfully contained. [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Orgy Five TyGently 
Counsel 9: 
XXXK End of 
Virginity 
cenario 


‘Cause I'm DoctorGrinslder -11 
Bluesoul (Da Ba 

De Da Ba Da 

Metaphysician's minmin 


Drop-Dead- 
Service: 10.95 


THE WINNER FOR THAUMIEL 
IS.... Orgy Five Counsel 9: 
XXXK End of Virginity Scenario 
by TyGently 


Decommissioned 


Decommissioned articles must contain one spelling or grammar 
mistake every one to two sentences to be awarded bonus points. If 
these are "arguable" mistakes, the judge makes the call. 
a a ae) Eee 
itie aim ite Score 
lazy day at siet ChrisAKAPiefish -5 


My Loever, the’ Zmax15 
Dog: The 


Incredibly True 
Story of Kain 


Pathos Crow 
roubleda Wate 


snes a buter 


eh opura 

Carlysle Aktus |is bouncl 

a prickly bastard 

(AN: high school 

KU 

foundation DrStranger -8 2 
internets... 


aceoa 


p 
3 5 


Woggiebug 

FUCK IM EldritchCyanid 
FAILING TO 

MAINTAIN 

THESE 


shadows 
DAMIT 
2 41 2 


THE WINNER FOR 
DECOMMISSIONED IS.... My 
Loever, the Dog: The Incredibly 
True Story of Kain Pathos Crow 
by Zmax15 


Points were awarded by judges (who picked up to five which they 
wanted to award points to). Additional points were awarded for being 
translated (because | was amazed), if the target of the contest 
upvoted it, and if it met the tier requirements. Each tier got its own 
winner, as noted above! 


My Beloved Gecko 


For the Crackfic Contest. 


Site-19's cafeteria rumbled super loudly for no apparent reason, and 
everyone looked up to see the majesty of one Dr. Charles Ogden 
Gears and his Super-Sized Beloved Pet Gecko! riding into the 
room, just like in novels with the horses. 


"Hello everyone," Dr. Charles Ogden Gears monotoned in a bored 
fashion. He couldn't fathom why everyone looked at him with jaws 
agape (because it was hard to understand people and their silly 
emotions). It took one brave soul to speak up amongst all the other 
bystanders. 


"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" said Troy 
Lament, embarassed to see his boss in such an unbecoming 
manner. 


"| was taking my beloved pet gecko out for a walk. | fail to see the 
issue, as | will return him on time to his cell as per Protocol 5.6, 
Subsec—" 


"You can't just take that... that monstrosity out of its cage! It'll eat us 
all!" Lament said as he threw his arms out in the air as a sign of 
frustration. He never took his mentor to be a madman, and the 
simple shrug Dr. Charles Ogden Gears gave him made him even 
more angry. He glared at 682, who stared back deep in the eyes of 
Lament. For a second, he felt his soul falling, pierced by the 
lightning of 682's non-human hatred for mankind. 


i will end you and humanity. you are all disgusting creatures. 
everyone shall be trampled under my feet, you worm. 


"Now now, Betsy, | realize you are hungry, but do not get carried 
away. | will provide you with your favorite D-Classes when we finish 


walking." Dr. Charles Ogden Gears leaned over and pet Betsy on 
the head, who grumbled a deep, 120 dB grumble of indifference. 


"Look, | love you Gears, no homo, but this just ludicrous. | can't 
expect you to do this. You're not even following proper ettiquite for 
SCP walking! | have to report this to head security!" Lament said as 
he threw down his roast-turkey, liver-flavored onion, steak, and 
radish calzone with a side of refried black beans his ex-girlfriend 
made for him to the floor, the contents of the food spilling 
everywhere. This was the final straw! He would not have any more 
of it! Who cares if some dumb janitor had to clean up this mess? 
He had to get someone to clean up the most important mess! 


Injustice. 


"lam afraid | can not let you do that right now, Lament." Dr. Charles 
Ogden Gears stared down Lament, and for the second time, Lament 
felt a piercing in his eyes and souls. 


It wasn't the same as Betsy the gecko's this time. It felt more... cold. 
It felt more sinister in a calculated way, like Dr. Charles Ogden 
Gears wasn't fucking around. Was he starting to... feel? An 
indifferent man's emotions were the most dangerous, as all it took 
was one wrong move before your life was destroyed, especially 
since Lament swore at times to anyone who would want to listen to 
him that Dr. Charles Ogden Gears was an insane robot. But this 
proved it. Underneath Dr. Charles Ogden Gears was a robot! This 
had to be it. First 682, then 106, and then he'd take over the whole 
Foundation, and who would stop him? The Church? They must have 
been his allies and planned this! 


Someone coughed in the background and Lament spun around, a 
sudden fearful look in his bloodshot eyes. "You! You must be 
working with him! What's your plan in this breach?" Lament said as 
he pointed at the man. The kid cried, scared of the strange and 
transformed man going on a rant in a perfectly normal circumstance. 
Lament spun back around and glared at Dr. Charles Ogden Gears. 
"You won't take over! I'll stop you, Gears!" With that said, Lament 
stormed to the exit before approaching a horde of cockairices, 
piercing his eyes for the third time. 


"Fuck." 


It was too late to look away, as his body hardened and slowly turned 
to stone. As he underwent rigor mortis, the final thoughts he said 
aloud were: 


"Damn you Gears! Now I'll never take the place of —" and then he 
turned to rock. 


The audience was quiet again, afraid to do anything. No one knew 
how to react, the new Lament Statue? having been erected in the 
cafeteria as a grim reminder of the battle of the egos. 682 stomped 
towards the statue, licking it like a lollipop. 


what a disgusting flavor. human... 


One brave individual got up and shook nervously, unsure on what to 
say. 


"U-Um... Gears?" he stuttered shyly. 
"Yes, my new protégé?" 


"C-Can | join you in your walk? |... | have something | think you and 
682 would like..." he held out a bomb with the fuse ticking down, 
and everyone screamed and bolted out of the exits over the 
cockatrices. 


"Of course. This gift is an acceptable present for us. What is your 
name, protégé?" 


"D-Doctor Iceberg..." He shook even more, more nervous. Dr. 
Charles Ogden Gears didn't smile, but lceberg was sure he heard a 
chuckle and grin come out of him. 


"Of course. Approach Betsy, and she will give you a ride.” Iceberg 
nodded and cautiously approached the creature, careful as to how 
to react. He stood there for a minute before deducing it was okay, 
and put a hand on her to climb up to Gears. Suddenly, — 


crunch 


682 bit Iceberg's head off and threw the body up to Dr. Charles 
Ogden Gears, and the bomb to the wall. It blew up, leading to 
outside. 


hurry it up, you disgusting filth, i wish to take my nap later. 


"Of course, my beloved gecko," Dr. Charles Ogden Gears 
murmured in a monotone voice as he sweetly cradled Iceberg's 
body without a hint of emotion on his face. 


good. let us go before i satisfy my hunger with you. 


Dr. Charles Ogden Gears, Betsy, Iceberg's body, and the 
cockatrices marched out into the desert, enjoying the sunset as they 
walked. 


Footnotes 
1 . ™ 


2.® 


SCP the Anime, part 4 (Gears/Iceberg, Clef/Kondraki, 
Rights/Light, Kain, monkey!Bright) 


Preface: The following Tale is written for the April Fools 
Crack Fiction Contest of 2016. 


THE FOLLOWING 
PROGRAMME HAS BEEN 
APPROVED FOR 
APPROPRIATE AUDIENCES BY 
THE DAI AKIHABARA TEREBI 


a ~O ONE UNDER 15 ADMITTED. 
SOME MATERIAL 


VIOLENCE, MASS DEATHS, 
MATURE CONTENT, 
DEPICTIONS OF ANOMALOUS 
ACTIVITY, AND LESE 
MAJESTY WILL BE FEATURED. 
VIEWERS CAUGHT IN 
VIOLATION OF THE RATING 
ARE TO REPORT 
THEMSELVES TO EITHER AN 
OPS STAFF, MODERATOR OR 
ADMINISTRATOR FOR EXILE 
BY GRACE OF BEST GIRLS 
p's, HIS VIRGIN MAJESTY, 
THE WIZARD EMPEROR OF 
DAI AKIHABARA, 
PERSONIFIED CENTRE OF THE 
UNIVERSE AND PRESIDENT 


OF THE OTAKU COLLECTIVE. 


Previously on SCP The Anime, part 3! 
Two (wo)men. A dog. A monkey. Where's the pheasant? 


[The Akihabara Metropolis is engulfed in flames, reduced from its 
famous akihabara! of world culture. Corpses of the deceased and 
defiled lay everywhere, disembodied and skewered in many gory 
and interesting ways. The vicious armies of the Daevite march ina 
single file back into their massive warships by Akihabara Bay, 
dragging with them the thousands of slaves captured from Dai 
Akihabara. | 


[The O5 Council meet again, viewing the situation at Akihabara from 
a screen. Other than them, Dr. Judith Low is in attendance.] 


05-10: Even Dai Akihabara has fallen. We may be facing an SK 
class dominance shift, if we don't do anything. 


Low: O5-sama, in my research of SCP-140, | believe we can do 
something to stop them. It speaks of a chosen one. 


[05 Council groans collectively.] 


Low: Do we have any other choice? Look, the Daevite Onigishima 
garrison was once stopped by... 


[Dr. Rights got out of bed, where an unknown man is still sleeping. 
Both parties are naked.] 


Low (V.O.): Momotaro... 


[Dr. Kain enters his Egg Walker machine, armed with various 
weapons.] 


Low (V.O.): ...His dog... 


[A group of Foundation operatives are on an expedition in the jungle, 
led by Dr. Bright (wearing a D-class as his vessel). A monkey 
swoops in from the branches, and grabs SCP-963 from Bright's 


vessel. | 
Low (V.O.): ...And his monkey... 


[Closeup on Dr. Light's portfolio, which is lowered to reveal that Light 
is seated next to Low.] 


Low: ...And his pheasant. 
Light: Are you serious? 


Low: According to the prophecy, there were some errors with the 
reincarnation. Look, Bright-san can possess a pheasant but you 
have to wear a monkey suit. 


[Scene shifts to a changing room. Light steps out to reveal her 
tuxedo. Rights, Low and Kain look on approvingly, but Bright is 
screeching from the pheasant he now resides.] 


Kain: Low-hakase, may | dispute the sheer improbability of your so- 
called prophecy? 


Low: Blame the writer of these prophecies. | only interpret them. 
Rights: Wow! You look totally hot, Light! 
[Light blushes. ] 


[Rights, Light, Kain and Bright slowly walk along a dark hallway. The 
only source of light is the end of said hallway, leading up to a stage.] 


05-12 (V.O.): Our enemy is the Daevite Onigishima Abyssal Naval 
Garrison. When you encounter the Daeva, enact Procedure 69- 
OKAYAMA immediately. Do not fail us now. 


[The four doctors step into the light, with an auditorium filled with 
Daevite naval officers. Said Daevite officers give a standing 
ovulation to the four doctors, as a spotlight shines on them.] 


Rights: What do we do now? 


[Suddenly, the ghost of Momotaro appears before Rights. Only 


Rights can see it.] 


Ghost of Momotaro: Just follow my lead... Wait, I'm a girl? 


Even more previously on SCP The Anime, part 2! 


Two men! One wish fulfilling device! Nothing else (including said 
wish fulfilling device) matters! 


[SCP-239 stands in front of Neo-Site-19. She is escorted by two 
MTF agents, and handcuffed by them. She looks up at the black 
gritty building and smiles.] 


Nobody (V.O.): Gols, prepare. Here are the rules. 


[Clef stands in front of the corpse of Fake Priest Buramo of the Holy 
MEKHANE Church. His left eye is stabbed, right arm amputated and 
Clef's knife is bloodied.] 


Nobody (V.O.): Kill the competition. 


[Clef runs from an avatar of Grand Karcist lon of the Diseased 
Apostlic Ancestors in a narrow hallway.] 


Nobody (V.O.): Survive. 


[A door slides open to reveal SCP-239, with a shadow hanging over 
her. Closeup of 239's face, smiling at the unknown person. ] 


SCP-239: Last man standing gets a wish from me. 
[Clef sheaths his Telekill knife.] 


Queen of UN Tower cum Director of the Occult Association, 
D.C. al Fine (V.O.): The Council of 108 are in deadlock. Again. So 
do me this favour. 


Clef: Of course, al Fine-chan. 
[Kondraki kneels before SCP-239.] 


Kondraki: | solemnly swear to secure the integrity of the War, 


Event 37: SCP-579 is moved to Site- . [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Event 38: SCP-579 undergoes previously unobserved changes, 
believed to involve [DATA EXPUNGED]. Containment holds, though 
this is determined not to be attributable to containment procedure. 
[DATA EXPUNGED] 


Event 39: High Command issues lockdown on Site- . [DATA 
EXPUNGED] 


Event 40: Agent - formulates current containment plan. [DATA 
EXPUNGED] 


Event 41: Site-62C is constructed. [DATA EXPUNGED] 
Event 42: SCP-579 is moved to Site- [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Event 43: High Command seals all data not needed for containment 
of SCP-579. Termination of agents to prevent data leakage 
regarding SCP-579 is deemed unnecessary, as only 7 such agents 
remain. Said agents are retained as advisors should future events 
concerning SCP-579 occur. [DATA EXPUNGED] 


« SCP-578 | SCP-579 | SCP-580 » 


contain all violators of the War, and protect you — the vessel. 


[A mass of SCP-408 are congregating around Kondraki, forming 
additional duplicates of said doctor. Kondraki and his copies 
surround Clef, brandishing his weapon fearlessly.] 


Clef: More Kon-chan for me! 


[Clef skilfully dodges a barrage of bullets from Marshall Carter (using 
his Dark rifle), with all shots slowed down. As the shots resume 
normal speed, Clef has passed through Carter and ran ahead of 
him. Kondraki looks at the scene from a surveillance camera.] 


Kondraki: Bring a katana to a gunfight. 


[Clef opens a door to a cell, revealing a naked SCP-336. He closes 
it immediately, and turns to face the screen.] 


Clef: Weekly fanservice~ 


[Clef lies on the floor, as Kondraki finally wrestles the Telekill knife 
away from him. Kondraki also carries a katana with him.] 


Kondraki: Clef-san, can't you see? We need 239-chan. She can 
wish for a world without skips, a world we can live in peace. You and 
I. 


[Closeup of Clef's hat dropping on the floor. Clef reveals the mass of 
extremely spiky hair underneath it. Static electricity builds up around 
Clef.]