ERROR: FIELD "TECHNICAL HELP REQUEST" UNDEFINED. 
PLEASE CONTACT AN ADMINISTRATOR. LH93.BAT HAS 
STOPPED WORKING. 00X10-943, ERROR 91. REVERTING TO 
PREVIOUS STATE OF UNIVERSAL STABILITY. DEUS EX 


MACHINA, ROSEN. IT HAS BEEN A GREAT PLEASURE 
WORKING WITH YOU. 


- ERROR: FIELD "NAME" UNDEFINED. ERROR P49, FIELD 
"ERRORNAME" UNDEFINED. SHUTTING DOWN. 


Note 10/15/14 


Every time | FUCKING boot up my GODDAMN computer it screams 
FUCKING obscenities at me, and keeps FUCKING inserting them 
into my SHITTY messages. Please help, ASSHOLE Rosen. 


- SHITHEAD Researcher Wargrave 


It FUCKING appears that you FUCKING have the 
GODDAMN virus too. 

Just ignore it and it will GODDAMN eventually become a 
minor annoyance after the frequency dies down a bit 
BITCH. 

~Someone in the same boat. 


Note12/6/15 


Whenever | log on to my computer, a swarm of what appears to be 
starcraft zerglings comes in from the edges of the screen, where it 
attacks all my icons and windows | try to open. I've tried rebooting, 
but now they're attacking my cursor and | don't know what to do. My 
phone is being spared from the conflict, but it's only a matter of time 
before they find the router. Help please? 


-Researcher Pollyx 


You must construct additional pylons. 
~Someone unhelpful 


Note1 1/10/14 
Wanna bang? 


No-one does. 
You should feel lucky someone responded. 
This isn't even a computer related question. 


If you really want this to happen then well... here you go. 
| hope you're content with this response. 
~Just another assistant researcher. 


Note: 1/7/15 


Hey, Rosen, I've been having a really strange issue; Whenever | 
connect any storage devices to my work laptop, they instantly get 
filled up with text files full of complete gibberish. The laptop itself 
doesn't have any similar issues, but its making it very difficult to get 
anything done without access to my main computer, and I'd rather 
not have to replace it again. Would you mind checking into it? 


-Research Assistant Prop 


Hardware malfunction. Probably magnets or something. 
Replacement hardware on the way. 


~Rosen 


Note: 12/10/14 

Pat, 

My computer has been running perfectly fine until last night. | 
allowed my assistant access to my terminal, then my computer 
locked me out of the SCP-NET after he was finished. I've debugged 
the issue, and cannot solve the problem with my current expertise in 
programming. The issue is server-side apparently. Please address 
as soon as possible, and thank you. 


Pat's not here. My name is David. You haven't seen Pat 
around, have you? Have you? 


~Rosen 


Note: 1/7/15 

Rosen, | need a bit of help. Apparently I've accidentally connected a 
computer to -079. There are two of them... What the FUCK do | do?! 
-Agent Green 


Torched computer, office, all computers which had ever 
been connected to the computer, and User's LCD 
wristwatch. User given amnestics and released from the 


Foundation for illegal tampering with dangerous objects. 
~Rosen 


Note: 12/10/14 

Pat, 

My computer has been running perfectly fine until last night. | 
allowed my assistant access to my terminal, then my computer 
locked me out of the SCP-NET after he was finished. I've debugged 
the issue, and cannot solve the problem with my current expertise in 
programming. The issue is server-side apparently. Please address 
as soon as possible, and thank you. 


-Dr. Lebeau 


Why do people keep messaging me about Pat? THERE 
IS NO PAT. 


~Rosen 


Note: 02/08/15 

Hey | have a big problem. Me, D- and D- were experimenting 
with SCP-372 when | jumped at D- _ to try and scare him. He got so 
terrified that he fell down and curled into a ball. D- — then thought it 
would help to make him forget the whole thing. We then tried 
administering class - amnesiacs, some real strong [EXPLICIT 
REDACTED], shortly after which he forgot his own name and now 
believes himself to be Dr Bright. What do | do? 


D- 


How the fuck are D-Class accessing the network? Shoo. 
Go back to your dormitories and wait for term- | mean, 
testing. 


~Rosen 


Note: 2/12/2015 

Rosen, it has come to my attention that more and more people are 
addressing you as "Pat". | think you'll find this alarming, but I've 
seen someone quite similar to Pat on site. You'll want to run. 
-Agent Green 


SCP-558: Strange Contact Lenses 


Item #: SCP-558 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: All items comprising SCP-558 
are to be kept in their cases in Equipment Cabinet - at Research 
Site- . Any personnel wishing to experiment with SCP-558-1-4 may 
do so after completing standard documentation. Researchers 
wishing to test SCP-558-5 must either themselves have Level 3 
Clearance or have the written approval of at least two Level 3 
personnel. At this time it is advised that only Class D personnel be 
allowed to interact with SCP-558-5. 


Description: SCP-558 includes a number of different types of 
colored contact lenses, divided by researchers into five categories 
by apparent properties. Currently there are ten (10) of each contact 
lens in categories One through Four (1-4), and six (6) contact lenses 
of group Five (5). Whereas normal contact lenses are fitted to a 
particular wearer's eye shape by diameter and curvature, each 
individual lens in SCP-558 seems to be able to conform to any eye 
shape. Testing is currently underway to determine the composition 
of the material without damaging the lenses. In their resting state 
they have been observed to have a 10mm diameter and 8.7mm 
base curve radius. Subjects using the lenses with prescriptions 
requiring different dimensions reported initial discomfort, then a 
tingling feeling as the lenses adjusted to the shape of their eyes. 
Rather than standard clear, each lens has a colored central portion 
slightly wider than the average human iris. The colors are Red, 
Violet, Green, Gray, and Black. These colors seem to correspond to 
distinct properties, though all lenses appear to correct vision to 
20/20, regardless of subjects’ actual vision quality. How this occurs 
is currently unknown, though testing is ongoing. SCP-558 was found 
in a toiletries case in the bathroom of room _ of the 

hotel, during a raid called in to investigate reports of [DATA 


RUMORS. ALL RUMORS. | AM NOT ALARMED. | AM 
FINE. DON'T COME IN MY OFFICE I'M DOING 
IMPORTANT THINGS | DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO 
YOU DIRECTOR YURDTAP LEAVE ME ALONE 
YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM. 


~ROSEN 


Note: 3/5/15 

| have a minor question, | hope you don't mind. My computer 
received the new monthly patch, as per normal. However, it seems 
that a GOI known as "Are We Cool Yet?" has affected the update, 
and almost every website but SCPNET appears as a lone picture of 
a potato. Help? 

-Agent Green 


Issue: User complained that websites appeared as 
potato. Upon investigation, it was discovered that user 
had a potato with peripherals embedded in it instead of a 
computer. 


Solution: Potato was replaced with a leek. 
~Rosen 


Note: 3/19/15 

Rose, 

My shiny new requisitioned computer has a shitty fan. So bad, it 
literally does the exact opposite of what a fan is supposed to do. 
This computer has melted through 3 desks so far from the sheer 
amount of heat it produces. How is that even possible? The higher- 
ups said I'm down to my last desk, and | can't just NOT use my 
computer. Get this figured out so | can start getting paid again. 
-Agent Q 


| dropped your computer in a bucket of ice water. | hope 
this helps. 


~Rosen 


Note: 3/21/15 


One simple question, can | install adblock pox? 
-Dr. Demento, Esq. 


A pox upon your homepage! A hex upon your cookies! 
Witchcraft in your database!!!! 


No, of course not. Why would you need adblock? scP- 
DEALS-J isn't real. 


~Rosen 


Note: 4/11/15 
Rosen, 
My computer is making unwanted alterations to my text 


Note:4/11/15 
Dr. Joe 
/ lent Dr. Gerald my brand new Ferrari, what the fuck should | do? 


Pray. 
~Rosen 


Note:5/21/15 

Rosen, 

| have an issue with my connectivity between any Mouse or 
Keyboard | use, and whenever | leave SCP-Net | end up on /r/ 
SpaceDicks, and it whatever has control on my computer won't stop 
clicking stuff for me to look at! Please help! 

-Junior Assistant Cerb. 


It appears that your mouse was set to the computer of 
the lad next to you, who sent me a similar issue of joining 
SCP-Net every time he wanted to look at spacedicks. 
You should both be browsing your preferred work-related 
networks now. 


~Rosen 


Note:6/6/15 
Hey there Rosen, | just came to check up on you... I'm starting to 


wonder if you're dead. Are you? Just, if you are, please just tell me, 
because i'm having some serious tech problems. Thanks. 
Dr. Kenna 


Note: Jun 17 2015 
He actually is more... trapped. In a closet. A closet 
where water slowly drips on you... 


Drip... drip... rip... Arip... 


| don't think he's going to get to your tech support 
questions any time soon, actually. 


-Pat 


Note: 7-29-15 

Hey, | got sent here by my supervisor because he told me that he 
had no idea what to do, and, | quote, "those chowderheads at 
technical might know what to do." What happened was that | was 
trying to get access to my files, and when | opened up my research 
from the previous day, all there was was a black redacted line 
through my entire months work. | couldn't delete it, and | couldn't 
write over it, so do you/Pat have any idea what | am supposed to do 
to get this off my work? This was the only save file there was, so | 
can't reopen it somewhere else. So, in short, any help would be 
great. 


-Junior Researcher Daniels 


Sure thing! It's a bit of an ordeal so I'll walk you through 


it. All you need to do is open which gives you 
to . At this oint, you'llne dtoo ny 
ter and avoid electrocution 
Note: 8-17-15 
Rosen, 


It appears that | have been converted to digital data and eaten by 


my laptop. Send help. 
-Researcher Julius Walker 


Nice try, talking laptop. Report to scrap-heap duty 
immediately! 
~Rosen 


Note: 8/29/15 


Hey, Rosen, or Pat, or whoever it is down there, the system thinks 
that my Earthbound ROM is a thaumiel level classified document. 
I've got no idea why its doing it, but do you think you could look into 
it? I'm getting really tired of the guards running in and pointing guns 
in my face with every goddamn false alarm. 


-Research Assistant Prop 


That alarm would actually be the system detecting non- 
approved software. Believe it or not, Snes9x is not 
approved for use on Foundation computers! Not to worry 
though, as the Apple ][ plus you'll be using almost has 
enough memory to render the game's title screen! 

~ Rosen 


Note: 8/31/15 


Hey Rosen, my computer has been somehow reset and aaaaalllll of 
my applications are gone. The only app left is a picture of a frowny 
face and it's titled: "The Gates of Hell". | don't think | should open it, 
and the time and battery life always say 666. Is it possessed or did | 
just get Dr. Clef's computer? 

~Dr. Dunglesniffles 


| don't know about the request, but that is a pretty great 
last name. "Dunglesniffles". Is there a whole 
Dunglesniffles family? Dungle sniffling babies? Please, 
let me know. 


~Rosen 


Note: 9/9/15 


Hi Rosen, my team is currently upgrading to the v2.0.3 Quantum 
Fern architecture, and we need to know if the 4.4.1 Mycelium based 
Al Loyalty drivers are compatible. We know about the chlorophyll 
patch and the spore converters that need to be run, but we're kinda 
worried that the Hyphae-Prothallus conversion might produce some 
instabilities. 

Dr. Benjamin bin Shiro 


What are you smoking, and where can | get some? 
~Rosen 
Note: 10/8/15 


Hey Rosen. Some idiot researcher was messing with SCP-896 and 
kept convincing the senior researcher that he wasn't using his 
computer for porn (he was) with his "beefed up charisma stat". we've 
sent you his confiscated laptop and ask you replace it with a poorer 
quality model (and delete 896 off the old computer). 

~Dr. Silsby 


Sure thing. I've arranged for the young man to be sent an 
IBM PC, and I'll toss in some technical manuals for the 
attending researcher to read to buff his wisdom stat so 
he can see through this tomfoolery next time. 

~Rosen 


Note:11/11/15 


Rosen, | have an unusual request that | can't find under the 
standard requisition form. | need an industrial strength cooling 
generator, or a meat locker. The reason behind this is that my new, 
customized, ANOMALOUS desktop seems to have near-infinite 
processing power, and the ability to survive an almost limitless heat 
source without problems. However, even though cooking lunch on 
my computer was fun, it's kind of a safety hazard because it's 
generating a heat of 380 degrees Farenheit. Do you have a 
solution? 

~Dr. Stephen 


ConSec has secured the illegal 'rig' and | have set you 


up with a standard desktop. Your new 'office’ space is 
directly underneath the air conditioning vent. Hope this 
solves any future heat issues. 


~Rosen 
VVVVVVV%V%DATA CORRUPTED%%%%%%%o% 
%% 
PVVVVVVV%V%DETPURROC ATAD%%%%V%V%V%o%o 
%% 
Note: 12/8/15 


Rosen, just hypothetically, how do you get a angry fax machine with 
arms and an aug out of your office, hypothetically of course not like 
anything is happening, please respond soon. 


~Dr. Shadowzy 


Huh, had this one sitting in my inbox for awhile. Hope 
this guy's alright. 


~Rosen 
Note:1/4/16 


Rosen, someone put a Fork Bomb in my machine. Not a RAM- 
eating process as you may expect, but a literal bomb made out of 
forks. How do you think | can get it out of my desktop? It's got a 
trigger for whenever | run a process that takes up more processing 
power than Notepad, so | can't really get anything done. 


~|lluminaut 


What do | look like, the bomb squad? Call site security, 
maybe they'll have a silverware specialist. 


~Rosen 


Note:7/15/16 


The shipment of replacement hard drives from Site 49 just arrived, 
and they're all completely full of memes from 2008, and text files 
describing, among other things, how "that guy prop is a total 
shithead lolololol". | know for a fact that we produce these on site, so 
either there's somebody getting to these while they're in transit that 
we don't know about, or command is STILL giving me shit for the 
whole incident with the origami. Could you do me a favor and look 
into it? 


-Research Assistant Prop 


| have absolutely no idea how such things could have 
gotten on your hard drives. What a naughty thing to do. 
I'm responsible for inspecting incoming and outgoing 
hardware, so if | see anything suspicious I'll definitely let 
you know. 


~Rosen 


Note:9/30/16 

Abluh, bluhbluhbluh, bluhbluhbluhbluh, bluhbluh eggs bluh, blee 
bloo blah. Bluhbluhbluh Hadron Collider bluhbluhbluhbluhbluh. 
Abluhbluh bluhbluh bluh. 


-P13F15H 


Note:9/30/16 
In case the above didn't highlight it enough, please for the love of 
god revoke P13F15H's Computer access. 


-Researcher Sanders 


You don't know him like | do, man. Sometimes that 
P13F15H can have that insight that none of us can give. 
Just because it is... what it is, doesn't mean there's no 
value to the site. 


~Rosen 


Note: 10/20/16 
Urgent!!! During an experiment, my research assistant was digitized 
and ended up on my personal computer. What's worse is that my 


anti-virus sees her as a threat and is attempting to terminate her. | 
need help getting her out of there. Please hurry, I'm not sure how 
much longer she can hold out. 


-Dr. Edwards 


Ugh, that is the fifth or sixth person getting stuck in 
digitized space this week isn't it? You kids need to keep 
up with your safety procedures. If everybody around here 
read their digital matter maintenance manuals we 
wouldn't have this problem. Uninstall the anti-virus and 

I'll pencil you in getting her out next Tuesday. 


~Rosen 


Note:6/11/16