non "TeleBill" paper airplane while a nearby 
Foundation member activates his Zune brand 
cellphone during its take-off. 

Results: Subject clocked at 39,000 m/s, 
SCP-7789-J-A was not affected by the sudden 
G force and wind resistance. SCP-7789-J-A 
orbited Earth at approximately 35,786 
kilometers above its equator. Foundation 
forces were unable to locate SCP-7789-J-A in 
outer space. SCP-7789-J-A was located 
shortly before crashing into Siberia, Russia at 
50,000 m/s releasing energy equivalent to kT 
of TNT. 

Follow-Up: Foundation forces were 
successful in covering up the incident and 
avoiding a third world war. 


Project "Scamton": On 08/11/2007, the Foundation partnered with 
the trustworthy Scammy Enterprises lead by Sam Scamton to build 
the first series of Scamton Reaction and Aviation Anchors or SRAA. 
SRAA modules have been designed to prevent aircrafts from turning 
into instances of SCP-7789-J-A through the use of smartphones. 
The administrative branch of Scammy Enterprises built a 
department (The Scamton Reaction and Aviation Anchor 
Administration also known as SRAAA) to ensure the presence of 
SRAAs in all aviation companies. If such objective is compromised, 
Scammy Enterprises will initiate the Scamton Reaction and Aviation 
Anchor Administrative Action also known as SRAAAA which aims 
for Scammy Enterprises to buy every known aviation company 
through the Scamton Reaction and Aviation Anchor Administrative 
Action Activation or SRAAAAA. 


This article has been brought to you by Delta Air Lines. Please don't 
use your fucking phones during take-off or landing. 


SCP-500-J: That bitch 


Item #: SCP-500-J 


Object Class: Super Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-500 is to be kept in the 
Primary Containment Zone of Containment Area 25b replacing 
SCP-076 with her mouth covered at all times (the original duct tape 
has since been replaced). For the time being SCP-076 has been 
placed in the 3rd floor janitor's closet, security for which will be 
provided by Scruffy, the head of Area 25b janitorial staff. All previous 
security measures have been doubled, with an extra 4 Nuclear 
devices provided to the base arsenal just in case. 


Description: SCP-500, formerly known as [DATA EXPUNGED}], is a 
malevolent harpy hell bent on destroying anything in its path female 
human possessing a wide range of abilities. Those described to 
base staff are: 


Reducing any adult male to tears. 

Creating an urge to kill oneself one of these days | swear 
Causing addiction to a wide array of alcoholic beverages | just 
can't face that bitch sober 

A death glare at any passing female | happen to glance at but 
it doesn't mean anything for god's sake which has been 
assured to the research team to result in the death of said 
female. 

The ability to track no matter where | am the location. 

The ability to attempt communication at the worst possible 
time | mean, c'mon it's not that kind of massage parlor | swear 
An intuitive ability to tell wnen someone is lying and 
deconstruct the entire lie resulting in sleeping on the damn 
couch while the fucking dog gets my spot in bed. 

Causing a massive mental breakdown of any male that not 
even drugs can help, oh yeah I've tried. You're better off with 
a gun in my opinion 


¢ Arguing for up to several hours by which time | just say 
whatever will let me get back to the damn game before it's 
over. 

* She was able to pull one hell of a [DATA EXPUNGED] 
position just like [DATA EXPUNGED][DATA EXPUNGED] 
[DATA EXPUNGED][DATA EXPUNGED}], but fuck that. 


By order of O5-8, SCP-500 is to simply be contained with no testing. 


It should be noted that all required SCP documentation and revised 
security plans were provided by O5-8 who assured the on-site 
command staff that the entire O5 council approved the new 
procedures. O5-8 also mentioned that the current communication 
blackout will be lifted as soon as possible. 


Side note: SCP-076-2 awoke in his temporary containment to find a 
portable DVD player playing Deadliest Warrior non-stop. This 
placated SCP-076-2 long enough to allow security to restrain him. 
For his efforts in containing SCP-076-2, Scruffy as been promoted to 
head of Area 25b security. 


SCP-1347-1353-J: What a Pestis 


Item #: SCP-1347-1353-J 
Object Class: Loud and messy 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1347-1353-J is to be 
constantly told how much of an awful roommate it is. It should be 
constantly berated about the dead bodies it leaves on the floor, and 
the outrageous and loud parties it holds each night. Until it stops 
inviting those people that whip themselves over, its access to the 
fridge is denied. 


Description: SCP-1347-1353-J is a strain of Yersinia pestis that is 
described as "The worst roommate ever!" The entity leaves a 
constant trail of yellow slime wherever it goes, especially when it sits 
on the couch. Each morning, when SCP-1347-1353-J returns from 
"clubbing" at 4 a.m., it usually leaves a dozen dead bodies on the 
doorstep. The entity, which goes by "Yerry"!, prefers to leave its 
metabolic waste products spread across the floor. 


It is currently not known how SCP-1347-1353-J is able to speak, as 
he lacks any semblance of vocal cords2. It is also not known how 
SCP-1347-1353-J engages in sexual activities of any kind? due to a 
lack of any sexual organs or cavities. "Yerry"4 engages in 
consumption and excretion like any regular human male during 
puberty®. 


SCP-1347-1353-J enjoys hosting long, loud, and destructive parties 
in our apartment, every night. The entity occasionally invites that 
fucking weird dude with the mask to "hang out" and smoke "dat dank 
shit", leaving that godawful smell on everything. During their "hang 
outs", "Yerry" will reminisce about the good old days while 
producing a number of dead bodies for reanimation. Said bodies 
oozed into the carpet of the present apartment, effectively ending 
any chance of the other renter getting his security deposit back®. 
Roommate Mike is currently requesting financial assistance for 


"fumigation" purposes. Reanimated bodies prefer to stand over the 
location in which the entity's roommate is currently sleeping, until he 
awakes. 


SCP-1347-1353-J is currently involved in a romantic relationship 
with : currently displays a number of anomalous 
effects, including: 


¢ Totally ignoring the inconsiderate messes of her partner. 

¢ A total disregard for Yerry's roommates while they are 
sleeping. 

¢ Spilling blood all over the couch. 

* Moans at the pitch of a clarinet during amorous activities. 


SCP-1347-1353-J expresses enjoyment over puns having to do with 
its past, including: 


¢ What version of the Black Death would hit an alcoholic? The 
bourbonic plague 

¢ What did the plague victim say when his skin turned black? | 
feel like I've dyed a little inside 


Update 12/20/2016: On 12/20/2016, roommate Mike found a large 
number of Rattus rattus in the shared living spaces with the entity’. 


Update 12/21/2016: On 12/21/2016, roommate Mike received a 
note covered in yellow slime stating Yerry's intention to spread 
himself so that others might enjoy his company. Any attempt to carry 
through with this action should be met with spraying the entity with 
Streptomycin repeatedly’. 


Update 12/22/2016: On 12/22/2016, the entity was noted to be 
resistant to Streptomycin9. 


Addendum 1: Response 

C'mon Mike, if you can't handle a little black death in your life, how 
do you expect to face the real world. Don't be a pest. 

-Yerry 


Footnotes 
1. Who Drops dem gram negs all over the house during his midnight 


beatboxing contests. 

2. Though that doesn't stop him from singingDon't Stop Believingat 3 
in the morning. 

3. Dr. Mike's request for bi-weekly Class-C amnestic administrations 
is currently pending. 

4. God what a stupid name. 

5. He eats EVERYTHING. | ordered a whole pizza last Friday for us. 
He ate the whole thing before | could pay the driver. 

6. Dangit Yerry, | was going to use that money to buy a Nintendo 
Switch. 

7. YERRY WHY ARE THERE SO MANY RATS! 

8. YEAH TAKE THIS. 

9. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. 


SCP-001-J: The Big Red Button 


Item #: SCP-001-J 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: The location of Site-00, where 
SCP-001-J is to be kept, must remain an absolute secret. To this 
end, Site-00 will be guarded entirely by automated defense systems 
and have no living staff whatsoever. SCP-001-d itself will be kept 
locked in a cube made entirely from tungsten carbide, which is itself 
inside of another cube made of tungsten carbide, which will, in turn, 
be placed at the bottom of a three-kilometer long elevator shaft. 
Multiple molly-guards have been carefully placed over SCP-001-J, 
and the robots on Site-00 will be prepared to replace these guards if 
needed. 


Description: SCP-001-J is big, red, shiny, strangely appealing 
button that just begs to be pushed. 


SCP-001-J is a self-destruct mechanism that Foundation scientists 
believe is powerful enough to destroy reality itself, consisting of a 
circular red button set into a metal case. It looks like candy. 


The mechanism by which SCP-001-J operates is not fully 
understood but it would be awesome to find out. 


SCP-001-J induces a mild psychic compulsion upon all beings who 
see it or hear it described to try to push it. You know you want to! 


History: SCP-001-J was first discovered by President of 

in //  ,in an elevator car. At that time, SCP-001-J 
looked exactly as it does now, except for the addition of a sticky- 
note that said: "If you push this button, you'll destroy everything.” 
The President managed to fight his compulsion to press SCP-001-J 
long enough to remove SCP-001-J from the elevator and lock it in 
the closet of his office. Afterward, he contacted ; 


known to us as "The Founder," and charged him with creating a 
special organization with the specific goal of preventing SCP-001-J 
from being pressed, either by careless accident or by deliberate 
malice, and also with the goal of "protecting humanity from monsters 
and stuff." agreed, took SCP-001-J, and hid it 
under a pile of old socks in his basement. spent 
the remainder of his life sitting on his porch, using a shotgun to fend 
off miscreants on his lawn who were suspected of being SCP-001-J 
sympathizers. The millions of dollars he made on the stock 
exchange were used to create a trust fund that was the basis of our 
Foundation. 


Since died and the Foundation was set up to 
replace him, there have been attempts to press SCP-001-J. 
Before Site-00 was relocated to Antarctica [DATA EXPUNGED], 
there were many near-breaches of containment when Foundation 
personnel attempted to press SCP-001-J "to see what would 
happen" and had to be terminated. There have also been numerous 
attempts by the Foundation's enemies to retrieve SCP-001-J, 
particularly the Order of the Sacred Button-Pushers, who have 
sworn to stop at nothing to capture and press SCP-001-d. 


Addendum 1: /, for one, think it absurd that we still know so little of 
this SCP, even though we owe the creation of our organization to it, 
and allow petty fears of existential annihilation to prevent us from 
studying SCP-001-J. | propose a simple test; using a remote- 
controlled drone, we will gently tap the outer surface of SCP-001-J. 
If my calculations are correct, only a tiny portion of everything will be 
destroyed, and the probability that we will be part of this portion is 
astronomically small. -Dr. Blarg 


Addendum 2: Denied. Report to the psych ward immediately. O5- 


Addendum 3: Recently, many instances of objects that superficially 
resemble SCP-001-J have appeared on the internet and elsewhere. 
Although they seem to share the memetic effects of SCP-001-J, 
reality-destroying properties have not been confirmed. Research into 
the possibility of using these devices as a preventative measure 
against people pushing SCP-001-J has been postponed due to the 
number of researchers who started pushing buttons and refused to 
stop. 


Addendum 4: In relation to Addendum 3, researchers unable to 
stop pushing SCP-001-J lookalikes appear to have a chronic 
addiction, in that they are now physically reliant on pushing 
SCP-001-J lookalikes. The affected have been admitted to 

Hospital in ; ; for Foundation monitoring. Further 
research is recommendatory, but how it should be carried out will be 
the subject of further discussion. 


SCP-7143-J [SFW]: The doorknob on the door to the 
third floor staff dormitory at Site-19 


Item #: SCP-7143-J 
Object Class: N/A! 


Special Containment Procedures: Due to SCP-7143-J being a 
doorknob, no containment procedures are necessary. 


Description: SCP-7143-J is a doorknob on the door to the third 
floor staff dormitory at Site-19. It is made of metal. Turning it to the 
right or left opens the door to which it is affixed. It has a lock, which 
is used to impede the intended action of turning the doorknob so as 
to not allow individuals to access the rooms beyond. 


SCP-7143-J was installed by maintenance associate J. Maloney. 
When asked about the installation of SCP-7143-J, he remarked, "I 
installed a doorknob." 


Addendum 7143-J.1: Testing Logs 


Note: A number of tests were run shortly after the discovery of 
SCP-7143-J, though the intended purpose of these tests is 
unknown, as SCP-7143-J is a doorknob. 


Test Log 7143-J 1 
Test: Dr. Dorian turned SCP-7143-u to the left. 


Result: The door to which SCP-7143-J is affixed opened 
and allowed passage. 


Notes: This is a doorknob. -Dr. Dorian 
Test Log 7143-J 4: 


Test: SCP-7148-J was locked by Agent Jameson. 


a minute to compose herself. This is allowed, and she 
resumes after several minutes.]] 


He was hiding under the bed, and he had these 
freakishly... long arms... and the fingers... too many 
joints and he took my ankles right out from under me. He 
was just too fast, and... and he tied my arms and legs to 
the bed, and at first | thought, you know, that he was 
going to... to... you know. 


He kept saying, like..."Don't worry," and "You're going to 
help me," and "I need your help..." and things like that, it 
was scary as shit, and he said that so long as | kept quiet 
he might call an ambulance afterward, and that was a 
little scary. 


| guess it really was worse than that. He picked up his 
jacket, it'd been on the coat hanger by the door and | 
hadn't even noticed it... and started pulling out all these 
knives and... all these tools and | just didn't know what to 
do. So | decided to take my chances and started 
screaming as loud as | could. Then he... he... 


[[ was allowed to stop there, and was delivered 
the amnestic and alibi that night.]] 


Incident Report 542-A-15 For details on the eventual tracking and 
capture of SCP-542 please refer to [[DATA EXPUNGED]]. A request 
for declassification is under review, 20 / / . 


Note As of / / , SCP-542 has been moved to Bio-Research 
Area-12 in order to assist in the Olympia Project. 
"And | want him back intact!" - Dr. Rights 


Note 


SCP-542 has somehow acquired information of 
SCP-291, SCP-827, and SCP-545. Investigation into the 
extent of 542's knowledge of these SCPs and how he 
acquired this knowledge is currently under investigation. 
Offending personnel will be disciplined appropriately 


Result: SCP-7143-J impeded the progress of Agent 
Jameson. 


Notes: /t seems that this doorknob is locked. -Agent 
Jameson 


Test Log 7143-J 15: 
Test: [DATA EXPUNGED] 
Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Notes: / don't know why this is expunged, as this is just 
a doorknob. -Dr. Clef 


Addendum 7143.2: Personnel Personal Testimony 


Note: The following testimony was gathered during an anonymous 
survey about SCP-7143-u. 


Agent Romerville: | use that doorknob sometimes to get 
into the third floor dormitory.