Description: As of the time of writing, SCP-559 is a round vanilla 
birthday cake. However, its powers have been observed to exist in 
other baked items like rolls, puffs or cupcakes. Whichever item 
SCP-559 has subverted in this manner is easily identified by the 
words "Birthday Time!" marked out in green icing. Materials testing 
has returned this icing to be regular green icing with no unusual 
traits. 


When lit candles are placed into SCP-559, they cannot be 
extinguished by any means by someone who is not celebrating their 
birthday. However, they can be put out by people whose birthday 
falls on that day (termed "birthdayers" for convenience), upon which 
the subject will have their age changed to the equivalent of the 
number of candles on SCP-559. This effect lasts for twenty-four (24) 
hours before the subject reverts to their original age. 


Testing has revealed several other properties. SCP-559 seems to 
regard anything burning as a candle, regardless of its size or 
orientation. Matchsticks, fireworks and even high explosives have 
been used, and when stuck into SCP-559, all were easily blown out 
by birthdayers. Tests have been conducted with a number of 
candles from 1 to above 900. Such a high age surprisingly brings 
about no directly related health problems, and the effects of existing 
health conditions (weak heart, asthma, etc.) are reduced when 


Force Kappa-7 ("Hammurabi's Lawyers") has been created with the 
assignment to remove an eye from every person on the planet. 


| can't believe we didn't think of this sooner. -Dr. 

11/23/1992: Dr. has been demoted and MTF Kappa-7 disbanded. 
Who the hell promoted this man? He's not even a real doctor. -O5- 
11/24/1992: Dr. replaces Dr. effective immediately. 


11/26/1992: It is determined that all pillows in the New York City 
metropolitan area have been affected by SCP-042-J. Mobile Task 
Force Kappa-8 ("No Sleep Till Brooklyn") has been created with the 
assignment of neutralizing every pillow in New York City. 


Why did Dr. _ want to cut out all the eyeballs? It's much cheaper 
and less painful to destroy all the pillows. - Dr. 


12/3/1992: Increased budget requested for MTF Kappa-8. 
Projections show it will take over 700 years to neutralize every pillow 
in New York at this rate. 


Approved. —O5- 


3/7/1993: Due to the greatly increased budget and access to 
SCP-1543-J, neutralizing of New York City's pillows has been 
completed. Rioting subsided after the first few weeks of martial law. 
Dr. has met with Administrator to discuss plans for North 
America and the world. 


When in doubt, launch into the sun. -O5- 


3/16/1993: The SCP Foundation now stands for "Secure, Contain, 
Pillows." MTF Kappa-8 has merged with MTF Omega-7 ("Pandora's 
Box") to form Joint Task Force Zeta-1 ("No Rest for the Wicked"). 
Using SCP-076-2's unique abilities targeted towards pillows, we 
anticipate total elimination of pillows from Earth by 12/31/1997. 


Secure. Contain. Pillows. —Administrator 


7/29/1993: JTF Zeta-1 has successfully destroyed every pillow in 


North America. MTF Epsilon-21 ("Pillow Fighters") is formed to 
monitor the continent for pillow-like activity and neutralize any pro- 
pillow advocates. 


Filthy pillow huggers. Request re-assignment to MTF Epsilon-21. — 
Able 


Denied. —O5- 


5/16/1995: Success in Europe. No notable casualties except for the 
entire population of the country of Iceland, which was inadvertently 
set on fire from the air. Dr. has been placed on paid leave for 
one week as punishment. 


Ironic, that. The punishment would've been longer but, you know. 
Bjork. —O5- 


6/6/1996: The last pillow on Earth has been destroyed, well ahead 
of schedule. The role of JTF Zeta-1 has changed to monitoring/ 
policing. 


A victory for mankind. —Dr. 


6/9/1996: Junior Researcher notices that SCP-042-J still exists 
on the bed itself, and in fact pillows are not and have never been 
central to the anomaly. 


FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUL- -O5- 


SPC-3284-J: Lava Sharks 


Item #: SPC-3284-J 
Object Class: Great White 


Shark Punching Contingencies: Due to the extreme heat, 
instances of SPC-3284 are nearly impossible to engage in their 
natural habitat. The current protocol for dealing with SPC-3284 
infestations is to drain the lava lake they are located in, and then 
move in to punch them while wearing heat-proof armor. For this 
reason, Mobile Fist Team Sigma-6 ("Flaming Fists of Fury") are to 
be included in all 3284-related operations. 


Description: SPC-3284 is a species of silicon-based life form that 
superficially resemble Carcharodon carcharias. Instances of 
SPC-3284 typically inhabit bodies of molten lava, and have a unique 
physiology that allows them to "swim" through it as easily as an 
ordinary shark swims through water. They do not seem to require 
sustenance beyond the thermal energy provided by their 
environment, but will attempt to consume any organic material they 
can reach. The mechanism used to detect organic material is 
unknown at this time. 


SPC-3284 was first discovered during a raid on a Marshall, Carter 
and Shark Ltd. facility, where they were using genetic engineering 
and [DATA EXPUNGED] to produce designer sharks to sell to the 
highest bidders. Using documents acquired from the raid, Center 
agents were able to track a shipment of SPC-3284 to a lava lake in 
the Democratic Republic of Congo. Since then, at least infestations 
of SPC-3284 have been discovered, including one in 

National Park. Current research suggests that populations of 
SPC-3284 annually migrate to new locations through the Earth's 
mantle. This, combined with their ability to live off thermal energy, 
may explain why their populations are so widespread. Efforts to drill 
through the manile are ongoing. 


SCP-2000-J: Dunky the Funky Werecat 2000: 
Werecat Strikes Back 


Item #: SCP-2000-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2000-d is currently being 
housed at Dr. __'s household, who had originally offered 
SCP-2000-J housing off the street.1 


SCP-2000-J is now being hosted by Agent __, whois currently 
going to college. Considerations to place SCP-2000-J onto MTF 
Zeta-00 ("Fuzzbutts") are pending. 


Description: SCP-2000-J is a Caucasian male approximately 18 
years of age, with the ability to transform into a common housecat 
upon the beginning of any sport he participates in. In spite of his 
apparent lack of height or hands, he shows an exemplary ability at 
any athletics while in a transformed state. 


SCP-2000-J appears to have an odd memetic effect upon regulators 
of any sport, causing apathy towards his lack of qualifications to play 
in his current state. Typically regulators will cite a lack of regulation 
towards disallowing animals from participating. SCP-2000-J also 
appears to increase the morale of any team he participates in, 
regardless of actual performance. 


SCP-2000-J seems to be able to perform reality manipulation, 
causing him to always be able to perform the last goal, basket, run, 
strike, or catch during a tie in the game. Although randomized, 
during tournaments any team that SCP-2000-J participates in will be 
able to play into the finals, and the final team will always be the 
previous championship team. As well, previously undiscovered 
conflicts between members of both teams will arise during the match 
and will become resolved positively .2 


Addendum 2000-J-1: SCP-2000-J recently requested that Agent 
become romantically involved with it. Agent denied this request 
as she is currently in a steady relationship with the leader of Mobile 
Task Force Zeta-9 ("The Jocks"). 


Addendum 2000-J-2: Due to SCP-2000-u's difficulties in interacting 
with female staff members and physical abuse by several humanoid 
SCP's, the decision has been made to insert SCP-2000-J into the 
Foundation's Basketball Team in hopes of finally winning against the 
Global Occult Coalition. 


Addendum 2000-J-3: SCP-2000-J has recently assembled an 
improved team to represent the Foundation, consisting of several 
researchers, Agents and humanoid SCP's. 


Addendum 2000-J-4: On / /20 , SCP-2000-J approached Dr. 
, requesting that he join Athletic Task Force Alpha-11. Due to Dr. 
's unpleasant history involving the game, he refused, advising 
SCP-2000-J to cease playing basketball before it experiences a 
similar negative experience. 


Addendum 2000-J-5: The Foundation-GOC annual basketball 
tournament is currently underway. Updates are pending. 


Addendum 2000-J-6: Astonishingly, Dr. has attended the game 
and is assisting Athletic Task Force Alpha-11. SCP-2000-J appears 
to register satisfaction at this development. 


Addendum 2000-J-7: One of the members of the GOC team has 
terminated Dr. with a concealed pistol. The GOC player has 
been removed from the game by Assistant Referee . During the 
mid-game break, SCP-2000-J expressed determination to win the 
game. 


Addendum 2000-J-8: SCP-2000-J has gained possession of the 
ball and is rapidly approaching the GOC hoop and YES HE MADE 
THE SHOT YESSSS 


Addendum 2000-J-9: SCP-2000-d is currently in a steady 
relationship with Agent . Termination of Agent for 
unprofessional behaviour is under consideration. 


Addendum 2000-J-10: SCP-2000-J was approached by Marshall, 
Carter and Dark operatives with a deal for him to lose the next game 
in exchange for monetary rewards. He initially refused; however, the 
operatives then threatened Agent _'s safety. SCP-2000-J then 
proceeded to perform poorly in the next game until Agent 

escaped and cheered him on. 


Footnotes 
1. This was a highly unexpected action, as Dr. was well known 
for his negative personality. Possible psychic effects by SCP-2000-J 
have been brought under suspicion; however, some point to the 
similarities between Dr. _'s younger self and SCP-2000-J. 
2. See Incident 2000-J-21, wherein Agent coached SCP-2000-J 
and defeated the opposing team from the Chaos Insurgency, which 
was coached by Agent 's older and more skilled brother. Agent 
's brother had previously defeated Agent in a championship 
game in 1988 and permanently injured him, preventing him from 
playing. The agent and his brother instead embraced each other at 
the end of the game and had a barbecue. 


SCP-2421-J: The Upvote Syndrome 


Object #: SCP-2421-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: All new personnel are to be 
screened for any infection by SCP-2421-J using the Larkner Test, 
which entails undergoing rigorous review by senior members in a 
controlled environment for possible signs of infection. As infection 
with SCP-2421-J often occurs in conjunction with other diseases, 
treatment must begin as soon as possible. Personnel infected with 
SCP-2421-J are not permitted to handle any sensitive SCP material 
for a duration of 6 months. Personnel who are in advanced stages of 
infection will be terminated without delay. 


MTF Zeta-7 ("Banhammers") are to constantly monitor all 
Foundation traffic, in order to detect for possible SCP-2421-J 
infection. 


Object Description: SCP-2421-J is a syndrome that naturally 
occurs over the realm of the Internet. However, when new personnel 
are hired by the Foundation, SCP-2421-J will manifest in unique 
symptoms that warrant mentioning. 


When a member infected with SCP-2421-J files a new article 
(referred to as 2421-2-J), the article itself will not follow standard 
Foundation format. Errors include: 


¢ Non-standard titles; 

* Gross spelling errors; 

¢ Large blocks of redactions, often a symptom of co-infection 
with a virulent strain of SCP-1459-J; 

¢ Gross grammatical errors; 

Bad links to any supporting documentation; 

« Non-standard tags. 


When the infected staff member is censured on their work, they will 
attempt to counteract any negative censure with a positive review. 
This is the hallmark sign of SCP-2421-J infection, and is to be 
considered by all staff as a level-1 outbreak. 


Possible side effects of exposing non-infected staff members to 
SCP-2421-2-J include: 


¢ Acompulsion to edit the article heavily; 
* Increased levels of irritability and anger; 
¢ A desire to attack the infected member with a hammer. 


When three or more SCP-2421-J infected personnel gather, the 
infection takes a different route, blending the personalities of the 
group together to form a [DATA EXPUNGED]. Such beings are 
capable of causing extreme damage to any facility at which they are 
stationed, and thus should be terminated with extreme prejudice. 
For this purpose, MTF Zeta-7 has been authorized to use low-yield 
tactical nuclear devices in the event of a combination event, as 
prescribed in protocol BAN-THAT-BITCH-01. 


Dr. Mackenzie's Guide to Author Stereotypes 


FoldUnfold 
Table of Contents 
The Emo Teenager 
The High School Science Dropout 
The Kamikaze 
The Non-Sequitur 
The Special Snowflake 
Minor Stereotypes 
The Bender 
The Coat-tail Rider 
The Fanboy/Fangirl 
The Horror Snob 
The Kibitzer 
The Outsourcer 
The Visionary 
More to Come! 


By popular request, | am creating this list of bad author stereotypes 
in order to enlighten the community. If it's not clear enough by the 
tone of writing, you do not want to be one of these. :) 


Disclaimer: This document is meant to be a tongue-in-cheek 
analysis of common types of bad newbies. None of these are 
targeted at any particular person, and is meant to be entertaining, 
not offensive. 


| do not and will not condone the use of these 
stereotypes against site members. If you do so, you 
will likely be reprimanded and/or banned by staff for 
rudeness towards other members. Again, this is not 
intended to make fun of specific people or groups, 
and is intended expressly for humor. 


- Mackenzie 


The Emo Teenager 


| suck at writing, but it's the only thing | can do. | hate my 
life. 


Emo Teenagers appear in all forms, from the obvious to the subtle. 
While a SCP based on Linkin Park lyrics is pretty much 
unmistakable, this stereotype generally applies to any author who 
positively oozes depression and angst. Emos will often times try to 
draw sympathy by demeaning themselves, or claiming that no one 
understands them or their horrible, horrible life situation. When their 
site submission bombs out, you'll also generally see something 
along the lines of: 


I'm sorry | suck so much. I'm gonna go kill myself now. 


There's something to be said for being honest and humble when you 
first start writing in a community with such high standards as the 
SCP Foundation, but there's a limit to how much of this you can get 
away with before you start annoying everyone. As I've mentioned in 
my Documentation Guidelines before, the SCP Foundation's 
authors tend to be on the mature side, with the average age of 
authors well over 20. If you are a teenager (and especially one 
suffering from angst issues), this is probably not the site for you. We 
aren't here to listen to your whining, and you're not going to find 
sympathy by telling everyone how awful everything is. 


Note: Yes, | have actually seen someone threaten to kill themselves 
when their SCP got downvoted. If you are in this boat, then you 
need serious help. Immediately. 


Empathy Level: 3/10 - A lot of us have been there before, but that 
doesn't make it an excuse. 

Annoyance Level: 5/10 - Those of us who have been there don't 
like to be reminded of it. Thankfully the rule "Don't Feed the Trolls" 
works just fine here, and will eventually drag themselves to more 
sympathetic environments once you starve them out. 
Redeemability: 1/10 - You generally can't do anything about them. 
They'll either grow out of it (making it a self-fixing problem) or go 
elsewhere. Like MySpace.