FADE IN and PAN over a cluttered studio environment, styled as a 
more colorful and children-oriented version of a scientific research 
laboratory. Desks crowded with colorful bottles, prop machines and 
scientific measuring devices, and parts of animals preserved in jars 
surround an open stage. The walls and floor are heavily graffitied, 
and two sections of the wall graffiti have been digitally blurred. 


PRESENTER #1 enters excitedly. He is a light-skinned man on his 
early twenties, wearing a purple lab coat over jeans and a tie-dyed 
T-shirt, as well as a top hat. 


PRESENTER #1 
Hello, boys and girls! Who's ready to learn some science with... 
Doctor Wondertainment? 


The INTRODUCTION plays. It is a collage of various science-related 
stock photos and diagrams, set to a pseudo-zydeco soundtrack. The 
only lyrics are "Doctor Wondertainment". 


BACK ON SCENE: 


PRESENTER #2, a dark-skinned man of indeterminate age, is 
already on scene as it switches back. He is wearing loose 
basketball-themed gear under a blue lab coat and shutter shades. 
PRESENTER #1 is not to be seen. 


PRESENTER #2 
Welcome to the land of Science, boys and girls! | am Doctor 


Wondertainment, and today we will learn about... evolution! 
CAPTION: EVOLUTION 
Slide whistle plays, then spring noise. BACK ON SCENE. 


PRESENTER #2 
Evolution is how every living thing that exists today... can be 
descended from the same creature! 


The following is a voice-over while a montage of animals, loosely 
ordered from primitive fish to amphibians, dinosaurs, mammals and 
primates plays. 


PRESENTER #2 VOICE-OVER 
Evolution in nature happens over many millions of years, as animals 
are born slightly different from their parents in each generation. 


BACK ON SCENE. 


PRESENTER #2 
But Doctor Wondertainment can demonstrate evolution before your 
very eyes! Let's give a big hand to... Mr. Headless! 


APPLAUSE. A headless man in a purple jumpsuit wheels a device 
into the scene. It is a cabin the size of a single person, covered in 
garish piping and independently spinning gears. 


PRESENTER #2 
This... is the Super Science Evolution Kit! We'll be showing what it 
can do, after the break! 


ADVERTISING BREAK. Previous frame of Mr. Headless in front of 
the device frozen. Text on screen has been covered by black bars. 


NARRATOR 

Dr. Wondertainment's Super Science Evolution Kit and Dr. 
Wondertainment's Mr. Headless are available on select locations 
now! Call [7 seconds of electronic beep] 


BACK ON SCENE. PRESENTER #3, a blonde woman possibly on 
her late twenties but made up to appear much younger, is the only 


one on stage. She's wearing a green lab coat over a pink tank top 
and shorts. 


PRESENTER #3 
Welcome back, boys and girls! For those of you that just tuned in, 
I'm Doctor Wondertainment, and it's time... to do science! 


MISTER HEADLESS walks back into the scene, carrying an adult 
orange-black tabby cat. The cat is placed in the cabin and a clear 
plastic door is closed in front of it. 


PRESENTER #3 
Aw, isn't he cute? Just what creature was our kitty's great- 
grandfather? Let's find out! Science it up, boys! 


The camera zooms closer to the device as it comes alive. The gears 
spin more quickly, lights blink and fog rises from the ground. The 
form inside is indistinct for a few seconds, after which the door 
opens and a large, fanged SMILODON jumps out. 


PRESENTER #3 moves to pet the large cat. 


PRESENTER #3 
That's right! Cats were once very big, with huge saber teeth! But 
he's still such a honey, aren't you? 


The video appears to skip. When it's back, the previous cat is in the 
cabin. 


PRESENTER #3 
We've seen our kitty's past. But... what is his future? Let's put some 
science into it! 


The cabin operates in a similar manner to the first time. This time, 
the cat appears unchanged. As the camera pans around to follow 
the cat, one of the CAMERAMEN is briefly visible. He, or she, is 
concealed by a full hazmat suit. 


PRESENTER #3 
Aw, he looks the same! Come here, kitty, let me take a look at... 
BOO! 


The cat quickly inflates into a near-spherical furry balloon with a 
distinct POP. 


PRESENTER #3 
That's right, it's Doctor Wondertainment's very own Puffer-Kitten! So 
cute and so cuddly. The future of pets, today! More after the break! 


ADVERTISING BREAK. Montage shot of the puffed kittens and 
proto-cat over a colorful background. Text on screen has been 
redacted off. 


NARRATOR 

Dr. Wondertainment's Pufferkittens and Dr. Wondertainment's 
Smiley the Smilodon could be in your house tonight! Call [6 seconds 
of electronic beep] 


BACK ON SCENE. PRESENTER #4 is now on stage. His/her face 
has been blurred out digitally, and his/her voice is similarly distorted. 
Only the clothes are clearly visible, a yellow lab coat over a full-body 
black latex suit. 


PRESENTER #4 

Welcome back, boys and girls! Doctor Wondertainment will now 
show you, what does evolution have in wait... for humans? Do we 
have a member of the audience willing to volunteer? 


The camera spins around to focus on the AUDIENCE for the first 
time. It is composed entirely of dummies used in car crash testing, 
each one wearing a different kind of mask. Theatrical masks, 
protective sports masks, welding masks and gas masks are all 
visible. 


PRESENTER #4 
No one? Very well, we are prepared for that. Mister Headless? 


MISTER HEADLESS comes in, carrying a conscious but drugged 
FEMALE probably in her late teens. APPLAUSE as she is placed 
into the cabin. 


PRESENTER #4 
Now, boys and girls... Let us do science. 


The cabin operates as it did previously. The form walking out of it is 
shrouded by fog for a moment. 


PRESENTER #4 
Yes. Yes indeed. And here it is... 


The FEMALE emerges from the fog. Her hair is bright pink, her eyes 
are shimmering gray-green, and feathered wings sprout from her 
spine with each step. She is clothed in a rippling, rapidly shifting 
fabric that appears self-willed. The video starts glitching as she 
moves forward. 


A screech is heard as the camera falls over. 


ADVERTISING BREAK. Black screen captioned REDACTED for the 
next 30 seconds. 


NARRATOR 
Dr. Wondertainment's [8 seconds of electronic beep] are waiting for 
you! Call [12 seconds of electronic beep] 


CAPTION: NEXT EPISODE 


VOICE-OVER 
This is it for today, but next week Dr. Wondertainment will have a 
very special guest! The Doctor presents... Bobble the Clown! 


SCENE SWITCHES to BOBBLE THE CLOWN staring at the camera 
with a knife on one hand and guts pulled out of an off-camera animal 
on the other. 


BOBBLE THE CLOWN 
HI, KIDS! WHO'S READY TO DO SOME FUCKING SCIENCE? 


Black screen captioned REDACTED and electronic beep for the 
next six minutes, then black. 


Note: The Jericho ts a pistol also designed and 
manufactured by IMI with cosmetic similarities to the 
Desert Eagle. 


Input: One (1) IMI Desert Eagle .50AE 

Setting: Fine 

Output: A small cannon, weighing 4.4 lb. The back is 
capable of being opened up to load one .50AE round. A 
small trigger is located on the top of the cannon. 

Note: This brings a whole new meaning to a hand- 
cannon. Will place output in the site armory. 


Input: One (1) IMI Desert Eagle .50AE 

Setting: Very Fine 

Output: A small clockwork bird, appearance similar to 
that of a bald eagle. It appears to behave similar to an 
actual bald eagle, except far more docile. 


Note: | don't know what | was expecting, but a clockwork 
bird was not even a possibility | thought of. On occasion, 
the bird seems to make varying pitch clicking in some 
form of melodic pattern. -Dr. J P 


Update: It dawned on me that the pattern of notes it 
plays is to that of the American national anthem, "Star- 
Spangled Banner." I'm keeping it and naming it Kennedy. 
-Dr. JP 


Name: Dr. Hadian 

Date: 2-17-2018 

Total Items: One (1) printed copy of a Javascript 
program (created by Dr. Hadian for recreational 
purposes). 


Input: The aforementioned manuscript 

Setting: Very Fine 

Output: A series of origami cranes that took off as soon 
as the chamber was open, flying in irregular patterns. 
Most of the cranes collided with the doorway and fell 
straight to the ground, exhibiting no further anomalous 


A Sailor in a Blinding Sea 


December 5, 2004 | 4:30 PM 


Over the Atlantic Ocean, a few hundred kilometers off the coast of 
North Carolina, a thunderstorm is crackling and brewing against a 
deep purple sky. Dr. Mikhael Rivera is watching it through the two- 
meter-wide plate glass window in the Unit 42 employee lounge, eyes 
wandering behind his steel-framed glasses. His back is aching 
again, no doubt worsened by all the manual labor he was doing the 
previous day; his stamina has been dropping steadily over the last 
several months, but he knows better than to blame it on his age and 
heart conditions. 


He looks over his shoulder as he hears footsteps softly tapping on 
the low-pile carpet. It's not a face he wants to see, but only for work 
reasons. He sighs. "What is it, Lunick?" 


"You're needed in the lab, sir." 
"Of course. Tell ‘em I'll be right there." 


"It's urgent." Lunick shifts his weight, slender hand fumbling with the 
ID card hanging on his belt. 


Rivera sighs and stands up, grimacing and grasping his lower back 
as he picks up his pager and mug. 


"Coffee at four-thirty?” Lunick asks, stepping aside to let him exit the 
room first. 


"Hot chocolate." 
"Trying to get in the holiday spirit?” 


Rivera gives a half-hearted chuckle in response as the two of them 
step on the elevator to the lower containment levels. "Heh. Sure." 
He stares at the floor as the elevator descends. "So, you know 


what's going on?" 


Lunick shakes his head. "Well- well, not really. I've been working on 
the countermeasure developments, you know, they won't really let 
me near the thing." 


"Mmm." 


"Yeah, so, just go talk to Moser when you get in there. She's the one 
that sent me to get you." 


"Got it." 


The elevator doors open. After the security checkpoint, Lunick takes 
the hint that he's talking too much and skitters off down the hallway 
toward the left-hand wing. 


"Alright, I'm here," Rivera says as he walks into the main lab and 
sets his hot chocolate down on his desk. "Moser, what did you 
need?" 


The frail, older woman hurries over, papers stacked neatly on her 
clipboard. She stands on her toes, speaking directly into his ear. 
"Sir, it's something to do with the D-class testing.” 


"Well, what is it to do with it, then?" 


"The most recent subject. We sent him in to get as close as possible 
to the object, but it wasn't like other results." 


"Alright. What do you need from me?" 


"Well, sir, we're just hoping you can figure out what might be 
happening." She takes his impatience as a cue to walk over to the 
security office. He follows behind her. "Only a little bit of this didn't 
have distortion — you know how this thing hates electronics — but 
we caught what he was saying." 


They stop in front of one of the computer terminals. She shakes the 
mouse and pulls up the video, turning the monitor to face him. He 
nods and plays it. 


"...Far as |can go. No, it's not letting me- it's not letting me get 
closer to it..." 


"What's wrong with his voice?" Rivera mumbles, frowning. 
"We don't know. Probably damage from the injuries on his throat." 


Rivera squints at the grainy video. "/f / go in there- no, no, it'll take 
me somewhere else anad- want to be free? No, not free. That's not- 
that's not real." The man turns to the entrance foyer's exit and 
stumbles for several feet before collapsing at the edge of the 
camera's field of view. 


The video stops. Rivera opens his mouth, but closes it. 


"Yeah. As you've probably inferred, that's the only section that isn't 
corrupted." 


"What's the corrupted audio part sound like?" 


"Just a... sort of an electronic screeching noise. A little different than 
usual. You can listen to it if you want, but there's not much to it and 
the man we brought in from Cognitohazards said it's potentially 
unsafe." 


Rivera waves his hand and looks at the floor. "No, no, | don't need to 
listen to it." 


They both stay silent for almost a minute before Moser speaks. "I 
know you're thinking. Just, uh, can you stay in the lab a few hours 
longer? We want to send another one in, but we're hesitant." 


"Alright. Yeah, just, uh, can we wait at least an hour or so? | don't 
see a reason to rush this." 


She licks her lips. "Right. Of course, sir.” 


"Okay." He nods as he walks out of the room and over to his desk. 
Moser left a copy of the most recent tests on his mouse pad, but 
he's read them before. 


December 6, 2004 | 8:25 PM 


Rivera sits at his desk, his head in his hands, watching the bagged 

remains of the most recent D-class subject get hauled out of the lab 
and down the hallway by two men in bright yellow hazmat suits. He 
looks at his watch. He's been in the lab for longer than 24 hours. 


"Hey Moser," he calls out as she walks by. 
She stops. "You alright? Don't you want to-" 


"Go take a shower? Yeah. I'm too old for these kids' work hours," he 
scoffs, eyeing the younger lab assistants that are still energetically 
running around from station to station as they compare results 
amongst each other. 


"| Know the feeling.” She pats him on the back and walks away. He 
swears one of her eyes was looking the other direction during the 
last few seconds he made eye contact, and it sends a chill down his 
spine for some reason. As he grabs his unwashed hot chocolate 
mug from the previous day, he curses under his breath. He knew 
he'd forgotten something. He leans over his keyboard and opens up 
his personal notes. 


It turns out | forgot to request a transfer for the first 
subject. | went to fix it but she’s not in the rest area. | 
don't know where she went. This has been a rough 
couple of days for me. I've been sleeping in my office, 
lately, because | don't feel like leaving work. It's been 
almost an hour. More tests. 


He'll paste it into the right test entry later. He saves it and heads for 
the door, his chair spinning rhythmically behind him as he walks 
away. 


December 6, 2004 | 8:55 PM 
"Showered already? That was fast." 


"Yeah," Rivera answers under his breath, not taking the time to 
notice who it was that asked him. He heads immediately to his desk. 
His vision seems to tunnel, blurring at the edges. God, has he slept 
since yesterday? 


"It's late, and you look sleepy. Maybe we should all call it a-" 


"No," he snaps, and in a tone that surprises him and Moser alike. He 
clears his throat. "Sorry. One more. I've been thinking, is all." He 
prints out a blank test log template and crams it onto his clipboard. 
"Those metal samples still in the second aux closet?" 


"Yeah, they're still there. What else would you want to do with the 
metals?" Her voice shakes a little, the way it always does when 
she's scared that she's going to have to redo tests. She follows him 
to the closet, standing several feet behind him. She squints. Was the 
closet light always that fluorescent? 


"Don't stress yourself about it. I'll log it." 
"| don't want you here alone." 


He stops sliding the iron cube out of the closet and looks up, 
panting. "What? Three of the juniors are still here." 


She bites her lip. "Well- Just be careful. I'm heading home for the 
night." 


"Okay." He almost considers asking her for help moving the iron 
cube, but he reminds himself that she's got a good ten years on him 
and doesn't need the exertion. He pushes it out of the closet, into 
the lab, across the floor, and into the center of the entrance foyer 
over a period of several minutes. When he's done, nothing happens. 
Nothing except a low ringing noise that eerily soothes his growing 
migraine. He writes "still ringing" on his clipboard and turns around.