Output: A metallic figure, green in color and vaguely 
phallic. The object self-destructed upon being removed 
from SCP-914, in a manner comparable to a commercial 
firework. The remains have shown no anomalous 


are, in fact, of activities of various descendants of an original Mr. 
Dark. 

4. "Dark" is not a family name at all, but a title given to various 
unrelated people. 

5. "Dark" is a pseudonym used over many years by different 
individuals. 

6. "Dark" is a fictitious individual to whom others attribute otherwise 
unexplained anomalous items and activities. 


Personnel familiar with the report on SCP-1716, which contains first- 
hand accounts of an anomalous item created under the direction of 
a "Mr. Dark," should be aware that this is not independent evidence; 
all we know for certain is that some individual called himself "Mr. 
Dark" while engaging in certain anomalous activities. 


The following document is an excerpt from Lives of the Famous 
Alchemists, obtained from a contact with alleged access to “The 
Great Library of the Ways.” No independent confirmation has been 
found that this book is accurate, or even exists. Although it may 
appear to be a detailed reference, we consider it a curiosity and give 
it little credence. Researcher has annotated a number of 
doubtful statements. 


Guillaume D’Arc (c1403 - ) a.k.a. William Dark, Benjamin Phineas 
Dark, Johann Dark, best known as a collector/dealer/auctioneer of 
the rare and curious, has made significant contributions to the 
science of alchemy, most notably in the field of life extension. 


Guillaume D’Arc (or Darc) was born c1403 in the village of 
Domrémy, Lorraine, the illegitimate eldest son! of Jacques D’Arc 
and an unknown mother. An unusually intelligent child, Guillaume 
was sent to be educated for the priesthood, but failed to complete 
his studies due to “ill-suited character.” 


Little else is recorded of his life until 1429, when he is known to have 
been present at the Siege of Orleans with his half-sister, Jeanne. 
Although not known to have made any significant military 
contributions, his family connection allowed him to make the 
acquaintance of one of the Marshals of France, Gilles de Rais, with 
whom he discovered he had a shared interest in alchemy. A series 


of experiments took place, ending suddenly when D'Arc fled the 
area and reappeared in London. It is unclear whether D'Arc had just 
become aware of the murders for which de Rais is now best known, 
and disapproved, or if he was a collaborator who thought it was best 
to escape before their activities became public knowledge. In any 
event, D'Arc was safely away when de Rais was captured and 
executed in 14402. 


Anglicizing his name to William Dark, he soon set up shop in London 
as a dealer in "unusual objects" — a euphemism for alchemical and 
magical supplies. Apparently an alchemist of some skill, a document 
exists proclaiming him "Consulting Alchemist to the Royal Family” in 
14553. However, his pursuit of a method of life extension met with 
little success until the late 1460's, when he met a fellow 
experimenter known only as "Beatrice," who claimed to be over 200 
years old4. While it is not known precisely what he obtained, it is 
clear that he found some method to stop (or nearly stop) aging. 
Despite the obvious value of such a method, for unknown reasons 
Dark has always declined to share it. 


[DATA EXPUNGED] 


Dark consistently maintained his business in London, taking ona 
number of different first names and apparently passing the firm on to 
a descendant when his lack of aging might attract unwanted 
attention. Eventually Dark was determined to keep a lower public 
profile, and in 1871 founded a private club, Marshall, Carter, Dark, 
and with three partners. The intention was for Marshall and 
Carter to be the "public" face of the club, interacting with members, 
while Dark and researched and procured "unusual" items and 
experiences for club members. Dark soon had a falling out with : 
and the club was known as Marshall Carter and Dark as of 1876. 
Seldom-seen, rumors that Dark was deceased began to circulate, 
and no effort was made to discourage them. 


At some unknown point, prior to 1900, Dark gained access to the 
extradimensional space known as the Ways, and became a regular 
visitor to the Great Library. Although generally disliked by other 
patrons, Dark has always been careful to follow the rules of the 
Library, and has never been refused access. Rumors of some 
influence with the Head Librarian have never been confirmed or 


disproven. 


Desiring to spend more time in the Ways, Dark gained ownership of 
the former and converted it to what is generally known 
as Dark's Museum (to the few who are aware of it). Although 
accessible through the Ways, the Museum has been rendered 
private through the addition of both mundane and anomalous 
security measures. A visitor claims to have seen an extensive 
collection of unusual items, as well as research facilities for the 
creation and study of new (and newly discovered) artifacts. Marshall, 
Carter, and Dark primarily exists as a means to dispose of items that 
Dark does not wish to keep for his private collection. 


Little is known of Dark's recent research, although an extensive visit 
to New York City is documented in 1942, apparently for the purpose 
of developing a technological (as opposed to alchemical) means of 
life extension. Dark is presumed to primarily reside in the Ways, and 
is seldom seen elsewhere. Most recently he is rumored to have 
been at least indirectly involved in a major 2012 assault on "Site-17," 
a secret facility maintained by the SCP Foundation, with the intent of 
gaining control of one or more anomalous items or individuals. 


Out Of Character note: This tale is not site-wide canon. It 
is part of this project, which you are welcome to 
contribute to. It is also not a model Person of Interest file. 


Footnotes 

1. No historical evidence of such a person exists. 

2. Extensive records of the de Rais trial exist, with no mention of 
D'Arc. 

3. There is no evidence that this position ever existed. 

4. SCP-545-A claims to have never heard of a Mr. Dark, nor to have 
shared SCP-545-C with anyone. 


Police Seeking Clues After Four Injured in Congressional 
Intrusion 


Speculation, Theories Abound About Mysterious Assailant 


WASHINGTON (AP) - Little information has been acquired thus far 
about the motives and identity of a Caucasian female who injured 
four on the floor of the House of Representatives Wednesday 
afternoon, a spokesman for the US Capitol Police said. 


"We believe the suspect arrived on the House floor at about 12:43 
PM and seated herself at a vacant desk next to Congressman [John] 
Sarbanes (D-MD)," Capitol Police spokesman Dan Anderson said. 
"The suspect did not engage in any noteworthy behavior until about 
3:13 PM, when Congressman Sarbanes yielded the remainder of his 
time to her after addressing the floor regarding the farm bill." 


The unidentified woman's address to the House, which was 
broadcast live on the cable network C-SPAN and has since been 
widely distributed over the Internet, has been widely examined by 
professional and amateur cryptologists worldwide attempting to 
decipher hypothesized connections to terrorism, domestic political 
extremists, or other esoteric claims. After opening with the phrase 
"My fellow Americans: Green April Yamaha flenses applique in toto, 
dos tacos chorizos con huevos, Allahu akbar," the woman continued 
for approximately five minutes reciting a seemingly incoherent series 
of phrases derived from various languages. (For the full text of the 
speech, click here.) 


Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) requested that 
Sergeant-at-Arms Paul D. Irving restore order when the woman 
continued speaking after being informed that her time had been 
exhausted. Upon his attempt to remove her microphone, the woman 
was observed on the live broadcast to violently tackle Irving and 
attempt to re-acquire it. Boehner, Sarbanes, and Congressman 
Adam Smith (D-WA) were injured attempting to assist Irving before 


Capitol Police reinforcements entered the chamber and arrested the 
suspect. 


The suspect died of unknown causes shortly after being taken into 
custody. An autopsy will be performed Friday, Anderson said. Irving 
was transported to George Washington University Hospital and was 
in stable condition Wednesday evening after suffering multiple 
fractures and bite wounds. Boehner, Sarbanes, and Smith suffered 
minor injuries and were treated at the scene. 


Video surveillance shows that the suspect entered the Capitol 
through the main gate shortly before noon, Anderson said, and was 
admitted by a security officer after showing identification. A forged 
Congressional ID card was found on the suspect's body, identifying 
the suspect as "Thompson van der ibn-Teddysburg", a 
congressman representing the 17th congressional district of the 
state of "West Chippewa". The security officer involved has been 
placed on administrative leave pending an investigation of why and 
how the suspect's identification was accepted as legitimate. 


The Capitol Police have established a toll-free hotline for citizens 
with any information about the suspect's identity. Over five hundred 
calls had been received as of 6 PM on Wednesday night, Anderson 
said. More information is expected when the Capitol Police hold their 
next scheduled press conference on Monday morning at 9 AM EDT. 


Wednesday's incident marks the third time an individual with forged 
credentials has attempted to enter the House floor in recent years, 
Anderson said. Unidentified individuals were detained and released 
in 1998 and 2003, after attempting to gain access to the House with 
credentials identifying them as a congressman from the state of 
"Hamilton" and a non-voting observer from "the Commonwealth of 
Amalgamated Polynesia" respectively. 


A spokesman for Boehner's office declined to comment on the 
intrusion or on the nature of the Speaker's injuries. 


Memo from 05-4: Get a kill-switch installed on the C-SPAN 
camera. These leaks are getting out of hand. 


Poopstick McGee and the Flying Walruses 


“Well...” the old man said quietly. “I guess it’s time the charade 
ended then, isn’t it?” 


Director Clef’s eyes betrayed a hint of annoyance at being disturbed 
that quickly faded... “Hello, Konny,” he said in a bare whisper. 


Kondraki dropped into the chair, bushy eyebrows rising slightly, 
followed by a smile. “I’m glad you remember me, Clef,” he said. “1 
was worried that you would forget. It’s easy for someone like you to 
forget things, after all. Are you liking the nice, cushy job? How are 
your boys?” 


Clef frowned. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Ko—* 


“Drop the bullshit, Clef... You keep doing your damnedest to lie 
yourself out of everything. To lie in circles, keep people guessing... 
But | finally figured it out. It took me a while—a very long while—but 
| finally got it. Heh. Clever bastard.” 


Clef eased himself backwards in the chair. “And?” he asked. 


Kondraki smiled. “It’s easy. You see, | spent years analyzing the 
records of you... Your exploits here. The things that you were willing 
and not willing to do. It took me forever to figure out why 682 had 
that moment of hesitation... Why it didn’t kill you. Why reality 
benders don’t fuck you up like they do other people. Why 343 shits 
his pants at the sight of you.” 


“And?” Clef asked. 
“It’s simple,” Kondraki said. “You’re God.” 
Clef laughed. Hard. Leaning over, he coughed loudly, struggling to 


breathe. Minutes passed until he was completely out of breath and 
had to stop, leaning back in his chair. 


“Really, Konny? Me? God?” 


Kondraki smiled, eerily. Madly. “Certainly,” he said. “But not just any 
God. You're Poopstick McGee... And |... | AM THE FLYING 
WALRUSES|"" 


Clef smiled slightly. "Yes, Kondraki. Yes, | am. You finally figured 
me out..." 


Kondraki laughed hysterically as the orderly came into the room. 
"Sorry, Docta Clef. He slipped away from me again..." 


Clef laughed. "No problem, Rodney... Konny and | are old friends." 
"POOP STICK! POOPSTICK MCGEE!" 
Clef nodded. "You got it, buddy!" 


The orderly walked Kondraki out of Clef's office, taking him back to 
his room and easing him into the bed, waiting for him to relieve 
himself in a bedpan. 


He grabbed the orderly's arm... "He's Satan, you know..." he said 
seriously. 


The orderly just smiled. "Last week, you said he was Adam," he 
said. 


Kondraki's eyes went wide. "That's classified!" he screamed, 
throwing the full bedpan at the orderly. "EXPUNGED! EXPUNGED"" 


The orderly ducked out of the room, and down the hall, Alto Clef 
laughed quietly to himself. 


Poor Bastard 


"You should have brought a mortician instead." 


The doctor looked over the Mass Containment Room floor of Site 
34, coated in the blood and bodies of two hundred Foundation staff 
members. The stench of death and decay hung over the room. He 
sniffed, and could tell that the same was true for the whole facility. "If 
they're already dead, then why bother bringing me here?" 


"Because," said the woman beside him, opening a door to their right, 
"we've still got a survivor in here. You deal with brain damage 
cases?" The doctor nodded. "Then you should be able to tell us if 
he's got a chance or not." 


"A Site is completely isolated for a month, without any contact with 
the outside world," murmured the doctor, looking down the dusty 
corridor. "You'd expect them to have been able to stay alive that 
long. Aren't they stocked for an isolation period of up to a year?" 


"Two," replied the woman, striding ahead of him. "Near as we can 
tell, they were stuck here for three." 


"Three?" asked the doctor, stepping around another corpse in the 
middle of the hallway. 


"We're still researching how it happened. Time anomaly, most likely. 
Anyways, it wasn't the isolation or lack of food that did this. Site 34 
had a reputation of being specifically staffed by the doctors and 
researchers deemed most likely to survive a long period of isolation. 
It was also understaffed at the time." 


The doctor shuddered at the mutilated faces of three guards ina 
room to his left. "What did this to them, then?" 


"Outbreak. One of the senior staff was visiting. Checking on one of 
the objects, routine visit - you know the drill." The doctor nodded. 


"Well, there was an outbreak. Senior staff member was killed during 
it, started the infection in Researcher Akana. Akana spread it to 
Doctor Ferbar and Chief of Security Beumer. Ferbar and Beumer 
spread it further, and you can guess how that worked out. 


"It wasn't lethal, but it took a huge toll on their mental faculties. At 
first, they were acting independent of each other, perfectly normal 
behavior, even though we'd never seen a spread like this before. 
But after a time, we still don't know how long, they began break 
away from the pattern. Began to meld. Like a hive mind. Moving 
together, gathering stragglers and effectively assimilating them." 


"So the mind became too far spread and broke itself," said the 
doctor. "I've seen similar things happen out in Wales. They had to 
destroy that one, you know." 


"Yes, | read your briefings and credentials," said the woman, 
stopping outside a blast shield door. She began to punch in a code, 
saying "Anyways, that's not what happened. One of the unaffected 
did it. Brian Gomez. Security guard. Couldn't stand being stranded 
here with the others. So the day before we broke through whatever 
was blocking the area, he took his weapon and massacred the lot of 
them." 


The doctor scoffed at this. "One man killed an entire Foundation Site 
by himself?"