Pol-3077-01: She’s the Ringmaster now. She and the 
upside down face guy are in charge. Don’t ask me what 
happened to Fuller, | don’t know. That was before my 
time and no one seems to want to talk about. 


Agent Nunez: Yeah, in the interviews | read one of the 
Circus’s former stars mentioned a female Ringmaster. 
Said she was hot. 


Pol-3077-01: She’s a Clown. Clown with a capital C, as 
in not human. You into that? 


Agent Nunez: | hate Clowns. 


Commander: Nunez, do your job. Miss, please continue 
your story. 


Pol-3077-01: So | pitched my idea to Icky, and she loved 
it, except that she renamed them to Sugar Babies. She 
got me everything | needed and | got straight to work. | 
succeeded in making the golems, but they weren’t quite 
as | envisioned them. Hell, they were horrifying, but 
everything in that Circus is horrifying so no one seemed 


reappearance will decrease to approximately 1 second. 


Any person who makes visual contact with SCP-382-1 (from now on 
referred to as "the subject") is compelled to approach it and place 
their hands on its handlebar. While manifesting only intermittently, 
SCP-382-2 appears to compound the effect when the subject sees 
it. This effect does not transmit through video feeds, transparent 
objects, or anything else that would separate SCP-382-1 and its 
"victim", and once the subject is in contact with SCP-382-1, no one 
else will be influenced until the subject has died and SCP-382 has 
reset. As soon as the subject comes into physical contact with 
SCP-382-1 and SCP-382-2 has manifested, they appear to enter a 
trance, in which they will propel SCP-382-1 in a small circle and 
make noises directed at SCP-382-2, apparently intended to be 
soothing. As time passes, the subject will begin to weaken and their 
body will begin to degrade, while SCP-382-1 slowly begins to take 
on a new, shinier appearance; rust will begin to flake off, revealing 
shiny metal underneath, the rubber wheels will become more 
supple, and a velvet cushion will appear inside. At the same time, 
each successive manifestation of SCP-382-2 will appear with fewer 
and fewer injuries, while looking less and less emaciated. The 
subject will continue to interact with SCP-382 up until just under two 
hours, at which point they will perish due to massive, widespread 
organ failure. As of yet, no subject has lasted for more than two 
hours See addendum 382-A 


Once the subject has perished, SCP-382-2 will disappear and 
SCP-382-1 will return to its former, derelict appearance within 30 
minutes. 


Addendum 382-A: 

On / /20 , my research team and | began testing to determine 
whether a person of sufficient youth and physical fitness could 
sustain interaction with SCP-382 past the two hour mark. D-382- 
gtf87i was chosen for his age (only years) and because he had 
been a physical trainer prior to [DATA EXPUNGED], and kept in 
shape throughout his incarceration at [REDACTED]. His exposure to 
SCP-382 proceeded as normal, though the physical degradation 
appeared to progress at a slower rate than previous test subjects. 
After the 2 hour mark, with D-382-gtf87i still living, though in 


to care. 


Pol-3077-01: They were too deformed to sing and 
dance, but they kept trying because they knew that’s 
what | wanted them to do. | felt so bad, like a god who 
had made their creation too frail to live up to their divine 
standards. 


Pol-3077-01: Icky decided that because they were so 
small and slippery we should do an acrobatics and 
gymnastics routine, and because they could be torn 
apart and put back together we could incorporate some 
dark slapstick humour into the act. | went along with it 
and worked with the trainers and performers, even 
though everything had strayed so far from my original 
vision. 


Pol-3077-01: Everything progressed smoothly and 
eventually it was our opening night; Saccharina Sweet’s 
Sensationally Sublime Sugar Babies! They love 
alliteration at the Circus. Anyway, we were in the ring, 
the spotlight was on us, but they wouldn't perform. My 
golems, my babies, they just sat there, staring out at the 
audience. Then all hell broke loose. 


Pol-3077-01: They scattered into the audience, leaping 
into their mouths and forcing themselves down their 
throats, controlling them from the inside like meat 
puppets. Even though they aren't that strong they can be 
quick when they want, and they targeted the most 
vulnerable members of the audience, including little kids. 
They had never done anything like that before, | was 
dumbfounded. 


Commander: Crap, is that what these bodies are? Did 
you all hear that? These bodies are Level 4 anomalous 
bio-hazards! Bag and tag accordingly, full hazmat 
handling protocols in effect! Same goes for those barrels! 


Agent Zelenski: Yes sir! 


Commander: Please continue Miss. 


Pol-3077-01: Manny, the upside down face guy, he tried 
to intervene and one went inside his mouth too, except 
that one came flying back out screaming. Whatever's 
behind that inverted face, it’s gotta be pretty messed up. 
The audience fled in terror except for the ones my babies 
got, and they used their new bodies to sing and dance 
for me, like | had always wanted them to. 


Pol-3077-01: Icky completely lost her shit. She’s 
normally manically happy, but when she’s mad all that 
energy is turned into rage. She lifted me up by my throat, 
she’s a lot stronger than she looks, and started 
strangling me. She called me a traitor, accused me of 
planning this all along, said that | had murdered their 
guests, that my golems had tried to kill Manny and that 
they could have killed her girlfriend or the rest of her 
family and she just kept ranting until | passed out. 


Commander: She tried to kill you? Why do you think she 
let you go? 


Pol-3077-01: | don’t know why she didn’t kill me. Maybe 
Manny stopped her. | heard him say once that freaks 
shouldn't kill freaks when there's a whole world of people 
with torches and pitchforks ready to do it for us. 


Pol-3077-01: When | came to | was already tied up and 
he was carrying me. | think we went through the 
Kaleidoscope, but | was blindfolded so I’m not sure. He 
set me on the ground next to my babies’ burning 
corpses. | asked him what he was going to do with me 
but he didn't answer. The only thing he said to me the 
whole time was ‘Sorry kid, but if it's any consolation this 
wasn't even the worst opening night I've seen,.. 


Pol-3077-01: What are you going to do with me? 


Commander: For now we're going to give you some 
food and any medical care you need, then take you to 


our nearest holding facility. Just do what they say, 
answer all their questions, and maybe you'll see the 
outside of those walls someday. 


Pol-3077-01: Okay. Right now, all | want is to get away 
from the stench of these bodies. 


Pol-3077-01: | never could stand the smell of burning 
sugar. 


<End Log> 


Pol-3077-01 is currently being held at Site-81 as a person of interest 
regarding both SCP-3077 and Gol-233. Testing has confirmed that 
instances of SCP-3077-1 do not attack Pol-3077-01, and instances 
of SCP-3077-2 appear to congregate around her when she is 
present. However, she does not appear to possess any ability to 
control either. Testing has also shown that despite possessing 
extensive knowledge and expertise on anomalous phenomenon, 
Pol-3077-01 is a non-anomalous human. As such she has not been 
given SCP status, but is to be considered a valuable asset for both 
her anomalous expertise and inside knowledge of Gol-233. As she 
has been highly cooperative with testing and questioning, she is to 
be housed in a low-security residential wing with limited and 
supervised access to Site-81's common facilities along with 
standard guest privileges conditional on her continued cooperation 
and good behaviour. 


+ Document 3077-01, found on Pol-3077-01 during initial recovery. 
Dear Essie 


Kindly accept this gift of 10 sixty-gallon barrels 
of only slightly accursed treacle for your 
collection (a splendid addition to any syrup 
cellar), as a token of our appreciation for 
disposing of the accompanying mound of 
smouldering, golem infested carcases, and the 
treacherous witch who made them. 


Do not believe the witch's lies. She will feign 


helplessness over her creations, but they obey 
her will, not her words. Do with her as you will, 
but don’t go too easy on her. 


She made my little Lollipop cry. 


~ Have a disquieting day, Icky 


SCP-3078: Cognitohazardous Shitpost 


Item #: SCP-3078 
Object Class: Neutralized 


Special Containment Procedures: As all known SCP-3078 
instances have been neutralized and long-term containment of 
SCP-3078 is not possible, only preventative measures are currently 
in place. Foundation webcrawlers are to scan the internet for criteria 
indicating possible SCP-3078 manifestations. Upon detection, 
Foundation hackers will attempt to remove all instances as fast as 
possible. No testing is to be performed at this time. 


Description: SCP-3078 designates one or more self-replicating 
cognitohazardous digital images. When a human being views an 
instance of SCP-3078, subjects will feel an intense compulsion to 
laugh for an indefinite amount of time. Subjects will not be able to 
inhale during this period, and affected subjects have expired due to 
suffocation in all cases. After expiration, face muscles will still retain 
a smile, and lungs will still move as if expelling air in short, quick 
bursts. Once every hour, all SCP-3078 instances will duplicate by 
undergoing a SCP-3078-Kahnert event, which is described below. 
Deleting the data of the instance from the web server it is stored on 
will neutralize the instance and cease its anomalous properties. 
Digital and physical copies of any form of instances will not display 
any anomalous effects. 


After initial manifestation of SCP-3078, the appearance of all images 
was reported to change 6 times prior to total neutralization. All 
iterations of SCP-3078 can be found below. 


+ SCP-3078-Kahnert Events 


SCP-3078-Kahnert events will occur once every hour, 
granted there is at least one SCP-3078 instance in 
existence. For every SCP-3078 instance in existence, 


one profile or user account will be created on a random 
public forum or social media platform capable of hosting 
images for other users to view.! Account usernames are 
always random combinations of the numbers "69" and 
"420". Each account will post one instance of SCP-3078 
on the website. If tags/hashtags can be applied to the 
post, the phrases "420", "dont do weed", and "meme" will 
be used. 


+ Discovery Log 


The first documented instance of SCP-3078 was posted 
to imgur.com on 2/3/2017. Since the spread of 
SCP-3078 is superficially similar to the spread of non- 
anomalous viral images, SCP-3078 did not trigger 
Foundation cognitohazard detection software for 15 
hours. Approx. 2 hours after eventual detection, 
SCP-3078 was classified as Keter and containment 
efforts began. As Foundation personnel could not 
reasonably remove all images covertly before the next 
SCP-3078-Kahnert event, intrusive hacking methods 
were approved. Shortly after, amnestics were deployed 
where appropriate and Foundation disinformation 
campaigns attributed the deaths to gas leaks and 
suicides. Neutralization of all instances was achieved on 
2/4/2017. Casualties from SCP-3078 currently measure 
3,576 civilians and 2 Foundation personnel. 


+ Iterations of SCP-3078 


SOP.3078_-1 Hour 31 Minvites from Initial Manifestation 


f SCP-3078-3- Hours 16Minutes-from_tnitial Manifestation 


roars 


SCP-3078 13 Hours 56 Minutes from Initial Manifestation 


Footnotes 
1. IP tracing of these accounts yields a different non-existent IP 
address each time. 


2. SCP-3078 instances numbered 131,072 at this time. 


SCP-3079: 300 Tricks: Stage Magic Made Easy 


Item #: SCP-3079 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: All copies of SCP-3079 are to 
be kept in a secure locker on-site. Access to these copies is limited 
to personnel with Level-4 clearance or higher. 


A Foundation-operated bot (I/O-NEWT) is to monitor internet traffic 
for any indication that an SCP-3079-A instance has been discovered 
(particularly among online communities centered around stage 
magic). Should non-Foundation personnel become aware of an 
SCP-3079-A instance, they are to be captured and amnesticized 
immediately. 


Description: SCP-3079, 300 Tricks: Stage Magic Made Easy, is a 
435-page hard-back book written and self-published by Tobin 
Hollis.1 It contains detailed instructions for performing numerous 
stage tricks. The majority of these tricks involve traditional 
techniques such as sleight-of-hand, misdirection, and optical 
illusions. 


Instances of SCP-3079-A are instructions contained within 
SCP-3079 which describe methods to achieve anomalous results. 
These instructions are scattered throughout SCP-3079; the text itself 
makes no distinction between anomalous and non-anomalous 
entries. There are 47 such instances in total. 


The anomalous nature of these entries were noticed immediately 
prior to its publication. All copies of SCP-3079 were taken into 
Foundation possession; all knowledge of its existence was 
successfully suppressed. SCP-3079's author was taken into 
Foundation custody, where he remained until his death several 
weeks later. 


Addendum 3079.1: Notable Entries 
3. The Impossible Fold 


Effect: The magician writes his name on a sheet of 
paper. He then asks the viewer to write her name on 
the opposite side of this paper. He proceeds to fold 
the paper several times over, before finally unfolding 
it to reveal that her name is now on both sides of the 
paper! 


NOTE: A diagram is provided demonstrating the 
complex series of folds required in order to cause this 
effect. While objects folded in this way undergo an 
anomalous process, they are not anomalous in of 
themselves. 


37. The Mending Knot 


Effect: The magician produces a length of rope and 
a pair of cutting shears. He invites the viewer to step 
forward and examine both objects closely. 

Once she is satisfied as to their ordinary nature, the 
magician asks her to use the shears to cleanly cut 
the rope in two. Then, the magician binds both 
lengths together in a knot. He asks her to examine 
the knot, then asks her to cut the center of the knot 
with the shears. 

Upon making this final cut, the knot instantly 
unravels, revealing that the two lengths are now 
restored to one! 


NOTE: The method involves an anomalous type of knot 
able to fuse cleaved lengths of rope back together. 


78. Lost and Found 


Effect: The magician produces a deck of cards. The 
viewer is invited to examine it at her leisure, then 


shuffle it for as long as she pleases. The magician 
hands her his hat and tells her to drop any card she 
wishes into it. He then instructs her to put the hat on 
her head. 

Once finished, the magician takes the cards, 
shuffles them, and cuts the deck. He asks the viewer 
to take a card from the top of the deck and examine 
it. It is the very same card she took! Furthermore, 
when she lifts the hat from her head, the card is 
gone! 

In its place is someone she thought she lost long 
ago. 


NOTE: The method involves a particular ordering of the 
deck prior to the trick, a complex shuffling technique, and 
a hat of sufficient size. The object that appears 
underneath the hat is a domesticated juvenile white male 
rabbit. Every instance has proven to be both genetically 
and physiologically identical. 


143. Lost Time 


Effect: The magician produces a folded silk 
handkerchief, which he proceeds to drape and 
unfold across his clenched hand. When he pulls the 
handkerchief back, his hand is full of beautiful 
hyacinths! 

One for each birthday he has missed.