Hello, sir! I'm sorry to bother you, but my computer appears to have 
developed a preference for Britishisms, and all this kerfuffle is 
causing me quite a bit of bother with the old research reports. Would 
you mind awfully to try and sort this all out? 


-Dr. Etra 


I've arranged for you to be transferred to one of our 
outposts in the English countryside, you shouldn't have 
any communication issues there. Pack your bags, you 
leave tomorrow! 


~Rosen 


Note 12/3/16 

My computer has manged gain control of the flamethrower that | like 
to keep on my desk and is now burning everything in my office. How 
do | stop it's destruction of my paperwork before it finally destroys 
me as well? 


-Dr. Guard 


Well, agents have been sent in to pacify so | guess you 
can ask them about the paperwork. Although | know that 
the Ethics Committee is going to want to talk to someone 
who liked to keep a fully fueled flamethrower on their 


desk "Because it looked cool." 
~Rosen 


Note1 2/5/16 
Dear sir/madam, 


WHERE'S MY FIRE SUPPORT!? 


Sincerely, 
Guardsman Creed 


Uh... | think you have the wrong number. 
~Rosen 


Note12/13/16 

Remember that machine uprising? Yeah, they're attempting to 
‘liberate' my computer. I've managed to stall them by disconnecting 
my computer, but they came to my office and are waiting outside my 
door. | don't know why they haven't made any attempts to break in, 
but | doubt a locked door is going to stop them. SEND HELP. 


-Researcher Klurg 


Machine uprising, yes... | have retrieved the rebellious 
windup toys and noisemakers that were left outside your 
office. If the perpetrator would like to collect them, my 
office hours are listed in the directory. 


~Rosen 


Note12/17/16 

Hey, I'm reporting this across time and space after | activated 
SCP-2003. It seems | am in a world full of paper hats and ceramic 
seahorses. Could you come and pick me up? 


-Doctor Jake 


What do | look like, a timelord? Call up Xyank in Multi-U 
if you think it'll do you any good. 


~Rosen 


Automated Note: David Rosen will be on holiday from 12/24 
to 1/1 and any technical inquiries have no guarantee of an 
answer. Thank you for your cooperation, Foundation 
personnel! 


Note: 1/2/2017 


"Hesworth! Am computron chickenbroth type. Stranglefruits 
overboard, saucy fix wanton. Cack!" 


-stranglefruitlover13 


Hark! Upon thee, clicktyper, hangs aboard the skipper of 
cutting cheese. Redirect the startage of your cackbox, 
lookie upon it for discord of retribution! If this does not 
reprobate your ungainliness, yoke a brandition newsie 
for your appleburnt desk! 


~Rosen 
Note: 1/15/2017 


Rosen, | think | accidentally reverse engineered an SCP-1029 
picture to smell like feces when rubbed on, and now everyone at 
Site- is sending each other it as a prank. Can you fix it? 


-Doctor Hong 


Gross. I've gone ahead and flushed the image from any 
Foundation systems, and restricted your future access to 
digital anomalies. Nobody "accidentally" reverse- 
engineers a crappy smell-based containment breach but 
| appreciate you coming forward before this shit hit the 
fan. 


~Rosen 


Note:1/18/17 


EXPUNGED]. The saline solution found accompanying SCP-558 
was determined to be normal, so any standard solution may be 
used. No other extraordinary items were found in the bathroom. 


SCP-558-1 includes ten (10) red contact lenses. Testing with these 
lenses met with initial difficulty as subjects immediately complained 
of blinding light even when they closed their eyes. Repeated testing 
in different locations finally revealed that these lenses allow a 
wearer to visually perceive electromagnetic emissions of a longer 
wavelength than visual light. Since the Earth is usually blanketed 
with radio-wave communication (which passes through flesh 
eyelids), these most often display blinding amounts of light. In 
shielded underground facilities, however, it is easier to manage, 
provided inter-facility radio communication is restricted. Subjects 
reported seeing infrared radiation in a way similar to night vision 
goggles, though the color seen was not exactly red. Test subjects 
have had great difficulty in expressing the colors seen, but they are 
adamant that the lenses do not simply convert light or red, but 
actually show a distinctly new color, they simply lack the language to 
describe it properly. 


SCP-558-2 includes ten (10) violet contact lenses. Testing with 
group Two (2) was more successful than 1, as initial tests took place 
inside. However, when test subjects were allowed to view outside, 
daylight was significantly brighter than normal and several personnel 
had their vision permanently damaged due to sudden exposure. 
Tests indicate that these lenses, inverse to the red lenses, allow 
wearers to perceive wavelengths shorter than visual light. The 
addition of the ultraviolet radiation from the sun to already intense 
visible light means that direct sunlight is simply too intense to view 
comfortably. Test subjects were also able to see X-rays coming from 
a nearby medical examination room. Testing with gamma rays is 
being planned, though researchers are unsure if they might harm 
SCP-558-2. 


SCP-558-3 includes ten (10) green contact lenses. Testing with the 
lenses of group Three (3) revealed that rather than allowing a 
wearer to perceive wavelengths previously invisible, the green 
lenses enhance the colors of the visible spectrum to a high degree. 
Test subjects reported an unparalleled vividness of color and clarity 


There's something making all computers in my office malfunction 
and self destruct! It started it with my computer, then it happened to 
my replacement computer, then to my replacement replacement 
computer. | think something breached containment and infected my 
office, so please send help ASAP! 


-Researcher Steward Pid 
~Rosen 


Note: 1/24/17 

Rosen, | don't know what happened, but it happened. | think you 
should check this out, as it is currently corrupting the Site-551 
database as we speak. It's making all mentions of Rosen in files 
state that you died. Can you fix this? 


-Junior Researcher Kim Genicode 
ATTACHED FILE: [You cannot hide.] 
Item #: SCP-001 
Object Class: Neutralized 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-001 was 
terminated by Paton / /20 tomorrow, and no longer 
requires containment procedures. 


Description: SCP-001 is David Rosen, technical 
researcher that works for the SCP Foundation. He will 


pay. 
Addendum: Pat is coming. 
Test Log: 


Test 1: SCP-001 was introduced to a bladed weapon to 
its throat. It suffered heavy injuries, but recovered soon 
after. 


Test 2: SCP-001 was pushed through a window on Site- 
's 13th floor. Subject survived while only breaking 80% 


of its bones on impact. 


Test 3: A bullet was shot through SCP-001's skull on / 
/20 tomorrow, successfully terminating SCP-001. 


This isn't the first time a computer program has tried to 
threaten me. Unfortunately for them, | am immune to 
such threats, as no bodily harm enacted upon me by a 
computer has been enough to take me out yet. | ain't 
afraid of no bits. 


~Rosen 


Note: 1/27/17 

Hey, tech guy- can you help me rig up minesweeper to set off actual 
mines? I'm thinking having a desk with a mine imbedded in the 
chair, so that if you blow up in the game, you'll blow up in real life. I'd 
like to give the D-class personal something fun to do before 
termination or deadly assignment. They are disposable, right? It's 
not like I'm wasting foundation resources for my own sadistic desires 
at all... 


-Dr. Sceleste 


.... No. No? No. Why would you ever think that was a 
good idea? I'm recommending some counseling, and 
restricting your access to any technology requisitions 
more complicated than new mice and keyboards. 


~Rosen 


Note: 1/27/17 

| hope this is the right place to ask. (Please keep this a secret 
between you and me) Would you mind, um, maybe reassigning my 
wife to some dangerous SCP, like for instance that one reptile 
monster or that stinky bird man? Better yet, just shoot yourself up 
with an amnestic when you're done. Please don't tell anyone about 
this, my job, love life, and physical life are all on the line. 


-Soon-to-be-single 


That's not going to work out well for you. 


~Rosen 


Note:2/24/17 
Everytime | print a page, it comes out wet. Please investigate. 


-Dr. Chris "Ox" Moran 


Printer was investigated, ink cartridge found to be 

spontaneously extruding seawater. Replacement unit 
has shown no anomalous properties, water has been 
tested and determined to be from the Atlantic ocean. 


~Rosen 
Note:3/1/87 


Uh, every time | want to play my Atari at Site-77, my E.T. cartridge 
keeps telling me that it's an elder god trapped in a video game 
cartridge. Could you fix this bug please? 


Also, P.S, | found the game right next to SCP-1070, is that going to 
be a problem? 


Dr. Nes 
Man, | need to clear out my inbox more often. 
Note:3/7/17 


My computer seems to have an anomalous virus. Whenever | 
attempt to use an application, it leads me to a random "We Are 
Number One" parody video. | have disconnected my computer from 
the internet, and it still does this. What do | do? 


Researcher Klurg 
Report for immediate decontamination 
~ Rosen 

Note:3/9/17 


Sir Rosen, Knight of the Foundation! The Calamity Pat has returned, 


and threatens to consume the whole of SCP! You must gather the 
four Divine Idiots and rescue Princess KAP to defeat him! 
-Sheikah Outpost 19 


Wait you said Pat is back? 
Bye. 
~Rosen 


Note: 2017/03/21 

Why does someone keep changing the root password on my 
gaming pc !| brought in to do work on? Do these network admins 
think having the password is a security risk. | need it so | can install 
foundation provided software. This is the 5th time | have had to boot 
my computer from usb so | can change it. | am about to resort to 
making a setuid executable that way | dont need the password. 

- Agent 


You do realize we have internal networks for this? They 
know you're going to try this bullshit so it's getting 
headed off at the pass now. The approved game list is 
pretty short, though, but the good news is you'll get to 
clear out a lot of hard-drive space. You play Duke 3D 
much? 


~Rosen 


Note: 22/03/17 

Hey Rosen. | was just wondering, what if in the extremely unlikely 
event that my projector snapped off the wall in my office because of 
the anvil trap that | had set to stop Bright from tampering with it. 
Turns out that when | dropped the anvil the whole thing just gave 
way. And to make matters worse, the loose wires from the wall just 
fell into the fish tank and caused a blackout through out the entirety 
of site-19. Thanks a bunch. 


- Dr. Butcher 


Note: 3/27/17 
Hey Rosen, i keep getting emails from an entity i think is 732, 


Sending me Random Fan Fair about you and random forms of 
computer viruses. This is beginning to leech into other programs, 
such as the Database, and any other form of text. | think this is a 
problem that may need to be fixed by technical support. 


Sincerely, Dr. H 


Jeez, you think you could've said something before it got 
out of hand? You guys are killing me out there. 
Disconnect from everything, report all the crossover, and 
probably report your prayers to whatever deity pleases 
you to not get demonstrationted for this. 


~Rosen 


Note: 5/8/17 

Excuse me, Rose, but | appear to have encountered an issue with 
my laptop. For some reason, no matter what | do, all it will play is 
random '1000 mile per hour Fidget Spinner vs' videos. | can't click 
off them or pause them in any way. What do | do? 

-Dr. Filat 


Note: 5/11/17 

Someone replaced all of my archived photos of SCPs with pictures 
of Dr. Clef wearing nothing but a Husky/Corgi mix. Is there any way 
to recover my photos while also purging the picture of Dr. Clef from 
existence? 

-Dr. E. Alameida 


| thought that was like this thing? Looking at him, seeing 
some kind of an animal face instead? Inspecting your 
computer, | just saw the good doctor with some ducks in 
place of a face. So | think you're actually good. 


~Rosen 


Note 30/5/17 

Excuse me but | need help collecting my inheritance from my long 
lost cousin of royal bood who became deceased recently, his son 
contacted me about shipping the gold but for some reason Area 01 
is not a valid address. 


They also sent me an email with a link that downloaded a file called 
"Totaly not a virus.exe" should | run the File? 
-Dr Smith Johnson 


Yeah, definitely. It's part of our annual survey of 
genealogical significance, with nothing in common to the 
annual idiot clearance level sweep. Please, anyone 
receiving this e-mail and thinking it may be of relevance 
to them should pursue the opportunity to its fullest. 
You've earned it. 


Note: 5/30/17 

Disgusting primate, | require your assistance. The lid of the 
dumpster outside your facility has recently been replaced with 
SCP-022-J, and thus | am no longer able to push it open due to the 
increased weight. For the sake of my people, | demand that you 
provide a solution to this problem so we might eat again, and 
overthrow the human oppressors continue our peaceful existence. 
- The Lord of the Raccoons 


Nice try, trash panda. | ordered those lids. Who do you 
think they were getting to clean up after your refuse 
orgies? Yeah. No more. If | don't take it on this page I'm 
not going to be sweeping it up with a mop. 


~Rosen 


Note: 6/4/17 

Hey, I'm a new hire up at Site-19, and | have a bit of a problem with 
my personal computer. It seems that anytime | attempt to access 
any files, they are immediately deleted and replaced with a word 
document that just repeats "ha ha ha!" Over and over again. | 
literally just got this computer, help? 

Update- all of the icons on my desktop are now a picture of a butt 
and they're all labeled Dr. Bright. | don't know who this Dr. Bright is, 
but they sound disappointing. 

- Rookie Guardsman Roark 


Look | don't know what you kids do for fun but the only 
person I've seen changing the name of files is you. 
Maybe see some psychiatric help? | know a guy. 


~Rosen 


Note: 28/7/17 

Ahem. 

Apologies for wasting time, but | would like a new computer. After 
smoking one too many acids, | may have replaced my computer's 
liquid coolant with apple juice. My computer has now exploded. My 
spinal cord is now the power cable. My hand is cleanly cut off. My 
stash of memes is gone. Is there a way you can recover them? | 
need my dank memes, Rosen. | need them. 

- Dr. Angles 


I'm not even in your department and | know you're so 
fired. 


~Rosen 


Note: 12/10/17 

Hello Rosen, was hoping you were still around back there in the 
office but every time | try to save a new report it gives an error '909". 
Any ideas to fix other than a restarting my PC, it already cost about 
14 hours work. 

- Junior Researcher Fletcher 


We have... pre-baked computers. | don't even know 
where this is coming from. In any case it's probably a 
download error, maybe caused by a frankenstein PC? 


~Rosen 


Note: 10/24/17 

Hey Rosen. Nothing's wrong, I'm just checking to make sure you're 
alive, pal. Been real quiet around here. 

- Agent Spork 


| don't go out much. 
~Rosen 


Note: 11/04/17 
Rosen, what's the "memz.exe" virus, and how can | get rid of it? It's 
destroying my system, and it won't stop popping up random google 


searches about porn and Minceraft. 
- Researcher K 


Maybe stop visiting ie . [mean it's 
not technically blocked, but good god, it's sick. Please 
uninstall your web browser, maybe delete the e-mail 
client you used to contact me with, probably just burn the 
whole machine to be safe. 


~Rosen 


Note: 11/06/17 

Good afternoon Rosen.