Here's my proposal: a sword made out of telekill will be 
made, because a sword made out of a telepathy- 
cancelling metal can definitely penetrate a reality 
bender's invincible skin. Then, | an operative kills her in 
her sleep. Anyone stands in my way, and I'll the 
operative carrying out the mission will knife them with 
SCP-668. 


Of course, considering that this girl is so powerful that if 
she just looks at you and thinks you're her friend, then 
you are, I'm going to do it personally. Got a problem, 05 
command? 


Clef Out 


Surveillance Log x92 ,Date-- - - 


4:45 VTOL 505 arrives at the landing pad. 


, Dr. A. Clef made the following recommendation on the 


4:46 A security detachment arrives to secure Dr. Clef. 


4:47 Clef is escorted out of the VTOL, and made to lay on the 
ground. He is recorded as saying "Clef bows before no man!" 


4:48 The agents are distracted by a large flock of seagulls flying 
overhead, and Dr. Clef shoots them all in the chest. Clef is recorded 
to say "Wait... that wasn't my tranquilizer gun." and "Oh, my ass is 
grass." 


4:52 Further resistance from security personnel. Dr. Clef swears 
several times, and fires wildly into the crowd. No survivors. 


5:10 Dr. Clef enters Site 17 


Personal log of Dr. A. Clef, SL 


Ah, fuck. | hate it when I'm right. This wall wasn't here before. The 
little godling has already started reshaping the site. Soon, the 
speaker system will play exclusively Kidz Bop and One Direction. 
The Horror. 


...shit, the door's gone! What the Hel- wait... 
[Clef bitchslaps some metal] 


Butterflies? Really, Konny? Really? Butterflies and your fucking 
camera? That's the best you can do? We have a horny fox woman 
down the hall, you know. You could've sicced her on my balls. Hell, 
you could've just turned the site's automated security on and told it 
to target me. I'm the protagonist, so that wouldn't have worked, but 
still. But butterflies? You stupid son of a bitch. Glad | brought my 
flyswatter! 


[Another male voice is heard saying, "Don't touch my babies!"] 


[DATA EXPUNGED] 


Surveillance Log x92 _, Date - - 


FEED UNAVALIABLE 


Cut to Dr. Clef: "I love a good feed cut! You can be as violent as you 
want, and nobody will see it!" 


FEED UNAVAILABLE 


Kondraki neutralized, declaring, "It is highly implied that | have had 
my ass kicked!" 


Personal log of Dr. A. Clef, SL 


I've never understood what Blackbox Kondraki's obsession with 
those damn butterflies was. Seriously. | squashed, like, 50 of those 
things back there. He's gonna be pissed when he wakes up. 


| think that Konny's working for 239 now. There's only one 
explanation: she's made him a Belieber. | should've killed the poor 
sunovabitch. It would've been a mercy. 


And | just ran into a friggin’ wall! Who the hell makes a camera flash 
like that? | think he said it was made with freakin’ caterpillars. What 
if he actually needed to take a picture at night, like at the Site 17 
barbeque or something. He would set them all on fire! Fucking 
butterfly-worshiping idiot. 


What's the term for an insect furry? A buggy or something? Yeah, 
that's what Konny is. A buggy. Anyway, turning on my ocular 
implants, which | totally have. | think I'll visit some friends. 


6:25 Security Team Bravo vanishes into thin air. 


6:30 Security Team Bravo reemerges, dressed like fucking knights. 
No, really, they have plate armor and everything. ...who the fuck 
wrote this? 


6:35 The clock now only works in 5-minute increments. Also, Clef 
kills a bunch of guys. Again. For someone claiming to hate Mary 
Sues... 


6:40 Clef enters containment chamber for SCP-091-ARC and 
proceeds to make sweet tree love to it, the lucky depraved son of a 
bitch. 


6:45 Containment Breach. Biohazard protocols engaged. Dr. Gears 
and Kain Pathos Crow are called in. Because two Senior Staff 
avatars weren't enough for this tale "incident report". 


Personal log of Dr. A. Clef, SL 


| talked to Yoda once. He told me "Nothing is true, all is permitted". 
Not sure what that has to do with the current situation, but | just like 
the quote. 


| think | misjudged 408. Those things are like flying television 
screens. | wish Elvis was still alive to shoot the damn things. Hell, 
even Keith Richards would help right now; he could chuck all of the 
lepidopteran TVs out the window. For all | know, they've taken 239 
out of the site already. 


But if they did, | wouldn't be the damn protagonist of this ta- | mean 
incident report. And because I'm Alto Clef, my special ability means 
that women find me repulsive! That's exactly why | was able to 
have... tree sex with... 091... 


...well, that's a giant continuity hole. Who writes this crap? 
Anyway, in exchange for sex, | let 091 out, causing the entire site to 
go into biohazard lockdown! Now, you're all trapped here with me! 


Relax, I'm just here for the kid. Not like a dragon's gonna pop out of 
nowhere and tear the place to bits. This plan is absolutely flawless! 


...okay, | swear to god, | heard a George Michael song just then. 
Weird. 

<SCP-336> Alto, Honey, what are you doing here? 

<Dr. Clef:> Just stopping in to say hello, Lilly. 


(At this point, the two of them start speaking a mixture of Elvish and 


Martian. Or at least it may as well be. Seriously, we're the biggest 
scientific entity on the fucking planet, and we can't translate a few 
lines of a dead language. Pathetic.) 


<Clef:> Aww, that's sweet, but | gotta go kill a little girl now. 


<SCP-336:> I'm sorry, Dave, but | can't let you do that. (SCP-336 
removes its vocal modulator) 


<Clef:> What did | say about using my real name- (SCP-336 begins 
talking) Oh god my ears. It's like listening to 682's mating cry! 


FEED AVAILABLE 


<8:05> Inconsistent Timestamps detected. Preparing to detonate 
tactical nuke. Also, Clef's bleeding out of his ears. He is heard to 
state, "Joke's on you, Lilly! I'm deaf now! This plan is still absolutely 
flawless!" 


<8:06> Dr. Clef is heard to state, "Okay, if I'm deaf, why the fuck do 
| keep hearing music?" 


8:07 SCP-408 swarms around Dr. Clef. Visual contact lost. 


Interview Log x_ , Date: - - 
<O5- >: Gears, how the hell did you get dragged into this? 


<Dr.Gears>: Processing question... | was working with Dr. Crow on 
his egg walker. We heard an alarm, heard that Clef was coming to 
destroy SCP-239. Dr. Crow climbed in SCP-244-ARC and rode off. 


<O5- >: Dr. Crow being... the dog everyone thinks can talk. 


<Dr.Gears>: He can talk. You just have to believe in the Heart of the 
Foundation to hear him. Also, being telepathically receptive might 
help. 


<O5- >:...right. Then how come security footage from the time 
shows him trying to hump the Egg Walker's leg? 


<Dr.Gears>: If a man has urges, who am | to judge them? After 
Crow drove off, | went to speak with SCP-239. 


8:12 Consistent timestamps restored. Nuclear launch cancelled. 


8:20 Dr. Gears meets with SCP-239, who is listening to a cover 
song of Macklemore's Thrift Shop by Kidz Bop. Dr. Gears is seen to 
instinctively reach for a non-existent gun and attempt to self- 
terminate. 


8:21 After destroying the music player in the room, Dr. Gears and 
SCP-239 converse for several minutes. 


Dr.Gears: Come with us, Cigarette. 
SCP-239: 'Sigurrés'. 


Dr.Gears: We need your assistance, Cigar. Dr. Clef has 
been placed under the Imperious curse by the Lord 
Ruler, and is using Allomancy to attempt to destroy you. 


SCP-239: Isn't that reference a tad obscure, Mr. Gears? 
Dr.Gears: Someone's bound to get it. 
8:21 Kain Pathos Crow enters the incident area, finds Kondraki, 
offers him a bottle of Chechnya Vodka, as well as healing him. 
Dr. Crow: Woof woof bark bark woof. 


Kondraki: Fuck the liquor, | need to be sober to fight that 
butterfly-killing son of a bitch. 


Dr. Crow: Bark. 
Kondraki: No, | don't hate Chechnya. That's Strelnikov. 
Dr. Crow: (whines) 


Kondraki: What's that, boy? Sigurrdés's fallen down a 


well? (Springs up, restored to full strength) Let's go! 


Personal log of Kain Pathos Crow 


BARK BARK WOOF | HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. BARK 
HELP BARK BARK 


8:40 Decommissioning of SCP-122-D is interrupted by Dr. Crow 
driving the egg walker through a wall and trampling it to death with 
his walker. Dr. Crow was given a medal for this action. 


3:15 Random Bright Cameo! Hey, Bright, you wacky bastard, what's 
up? 


Dr. Bright: | just jerked off to Lolita. It felt good. 
That's Jack Bright, everyone! What a card! 


9:15 Bright escapes his solitary confinement and finds Clef. The 
following dialog ensues: 


Dr. Clef: Bright, you sick fuck. | ought to kill you right 
fuckin’ now. 


Dr. Bright: Kay. 
Dr. Clef:...kay? 


Dr. Bright: | want to die! | live for death! C'mon, Cleffy, 
put a bullet through my brain! 


Dr. Clef: ...Yeah, no. I'm not about to feed into your 
autonecrophilia fetish. But | will do this. (Clef shoots Dr. 
Bright in his left testicle, and walks off, with Bright 
yeowling in pain) 


Dr. Bright: DO THE OTHER ONE! 


rescue lines are cut, and radio communication becomes impossible 
due to overwhelming interference. Current tallies set the number of 
personnel lost to SCP-880 at 32. 


Despite lack of occupation, SCP-880's structures have not shown 
any sign of decay in the years which they have been monitored by 
the Foundation. Items discovered within SCP-880 occasionally have 
large temperature variances compared to their surroundings; 
similarly, they show no evidence of colonization by microorganisms. 
Fireplaces will have glowing charcoal remains present within them, 
and food left in the open will not rot. This effect appears only limited 
to SCP-880, and after removal objects are subject to being 
damaged and to experiencing decay. 


Addendum-880-1: On date 11/09/19 , the second team (see file C- 
E8802) to attempt exploration of SCP-880 was lost when an 
unexpected storm began surrounding SCP-880. Although recovery 
failed, a line being used to track the team had been sliced on the 
edge of the storm, and analysis of the frayed end showed evidence 
of glass shavings within the wire. 


Addendum-880-2: Since initial recovery by the Foundation, the 
census of SCP-880 has increased by 32. 


Footnotes 

1. Due to the similarity of this phenomena to the abilites possessed 
bySCP-2082investigation into a potential connection between the 
two objects is ongoing. 


« SCP-879 | SCP-880 | SCP-881 » 


9:50 Dr. Kondraki & Dr. Clef meet. Sword-fighting ensues. 
Kondraki: My voice gives me- 


Dr. Clef: Don't even go there, Konny. It's bad enough we 
had to steal a joke from YGX Abridged. Ugh! 


Kondraki: Man, you know what would be cool? If the 
Highlander theme was playing over this! 


Dr. Clef: C'mon, Konny. We aren't completely without 
dignity here. Lord of the Rings would fit more, | think. 


Interview Log x_ , Date: - - 


<O5- :> Gears, why the hell did you tell her that a fictional character 
was controlling Clef? 


<Dr.Gears:> Because | didn't want to scare her. 


<O5- :> Fair enough. But tell me... why the flying fuck did you tell 
her that Magic Missile was an actual thing?! 


<Dr.Gears:> Because | thought it was cool. 
<O5- :> But... you don't have emotions. 
<Dr.Gears:> Exactly. 


[DATA EXPUNGED] 


[MORE AWESOME SWORDFIGHTING] 


<Kondraki:> Dammit, Clef, stop this madness! And don't make a 
Sparta Joke. 


<Dr. Clef:> Madness? This is S- aww. And I'm trying to kill her 
because her containment procedures have already failed! With ME! 


<Kondraki:> What the Hell are you talking about? 


Sudden shout. A female voice can be heard shouting something 
like, "| cast Magic Missile!" There is a sudden sound of breaking 
metal, and a scream, then a loud roar.' 


9:51 Running Sword fight. 


9:55 Dr. Gears, SCP-239 and Dr. Crow enter from various angles, 
with SCP-239 firing a bolt of plasma at Dr. Clef, which breaks his 
sword. 


9:56 A black light emits from Dr. Clef's body, which turns into... a 
dragon. No, really. A fucking dragon. 


Dr. Clef: Well, we just jumped the shark. 


Kondraki: For once, Clef, | agree with you. 


Partial Audio log extract from SCP-244's on board recorder 


<Kain Pathos Crow:> BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK 
BARK BARK BARK 


(Sound of firing weaponry) 
10:08 Dr. Gears and SCP-239 are suddenly in Site 17's strong 


room. While she is distracted looking at emergency supplies, Dr. 
Gears injects SCP-239 with a sedative. 


Dr. Gears: Goodnight, Cigarette. Sweet dreams. 
SCP-239: It's... Sigurrés... 
10:20 Dr. Crow's egg walker suddenly generates a sword of light, 


and decapitates the... fucking dragon is this suddenly an alternate 
canon where the Foundation is a fairy tale? No? Then what the hell. 


Supplemental Report 239 Abridged Post-incident interview, Dr. A. 


Clef 
Clef: Konny-boy! How's the everything? 


Kondraki: It's getting better, thank you for asking. Why 
the Hell did you try to kill 239? She's in a chemical coma, 
by the way. 


Clef: Because. She's God, I'm Satan, and | want to kill 
God. 


Kondraki: That's a load of bull. 

Clef: Look in your heart. You know it to be true. 
Kondraki: Don't start. You know | hate Star Wars. 
Clef: That is why you fail. 

Kondraki: Mmmm... 


Clef: No, Blackbox. | am your Father. (Darth Vader 
noises) 


Kondraki: Clef, | swear to God- 


Clef: You mean 239. She is God. Think about it. Why do 
women hate me so much? Why do you think | lie so 
well? If I'm the prince of lies, then | must be telling the 
truth! 


Kondraki: Clef, I'm leaving. Say one more word, and | 
swear... 


Clef: Aren't you a little short for a Storm trooper? 
Kondraki: (Inarticulate scream of rage) 


At this point, Dr. Clef was not brutally assaulted by Dr. 
Kondraki, but instead accidentally fell onto the corner of the 
table. Repeatedly. Seriously, we have video footage. It's above 
your security clearance. But even if he was beaten up by Dr. 


Kondraki, he totally had it coming. 


Footnotes 
1. Actual prose 


Incident 239-B - Clef-Kondraki 


Re: Internal Affairs Incident 
between Drs. "Alto" Clef and 
Kondraki, -- . 


This report is CLOSED. Any further edits must be approved by 
an O-5 level authority, except for basic grammatical and 
spelling corrections. Any further information about this 
incident should be placed in a supplemental report. 


This report compiled by: 
01:12 - Dr. Clef/SL 

01:15 - Dr. Kondraki/SL3 
04:37 - Kain Pathos Crow/SL4 
04:38 - Dr. Gears/SL 

1:19 - Far2/SL 

1:20 - Bijhan/SL 

1:21 - Dr. Bright/SL 

[DATA CORRUPT] 


Synopsis 
On -- , Dr. A. Clef made the following recommendation on 
the log re: SCP-239 


My analysis of the situation has led me to the conclusion 
that SCP-239 is an unacceptable containment and 
security risk. Although several proposals have been 
made re: using her for containing other SCPs, the 
example of SCP-953 and others must serve as a stark 
reminder of the risks of overestimating the Foundation's 


ability to control SCPs with reality-altering powers. 


| would therefore like to make the following proposal: a 
dagger will be constructed of SCP-148, capable of 
penetrating SCP-239's otherwise invincible skin. This 
weapon will be used to terminate SCP-239 while she is 
asleep and her powers are neutralized. Because of the 
danger of SCP-239 awakening and resisting termination, 
it is my recommendation that the selected operative 
carry SCP-668 as well, in order to minimize 
complications. 


One of the dangers of this procedure is the possibility 
that SCP-239 will awaken and perceive the operative as 
a friend or "good person," thus changing reality to match. 
It is for this reason that | would like to volunteer to carry 
out the procedure personally. A review of my personnel 
file should indicate that my [DATA EXPUNGED] should 
allow me to carry out the operation even after a reality 
shift of this nature. 


- Clef