Huh? Oh, you know, re-cock-ulous, even worse than ridiculous? 
Come on, you knows it's funny. Where was- Oh yeah, the names. 
Like Joh. That would be Jack of Hearts to you. We all do that, 
shorten our names, makes it easier. But, yeah, Joh. How much 
easier would it have been to name him Pan? And Jos, he coulda 
been, uhm, well Cthulhu, right? | mean, okay, not Greek, but still 
squidy. And Jackie, you have no idea how much | hate her for the 
idea of using andi e on to the end of her name, she coulda been 
Anansi! No, he's not female, but still, it's better than Jack of 
Diamonds. And me? Hell! | coulda been so many things!Skoll, Hati, 
Lon Chaney, Larry Talbot, hell | coulda been Fenrir! That's a name 
to strike fear into people's hearts. Fenrir, the great wolf! | mean, she 
coulda even just named me Wolf, or Lobo, and it woulda been 
awesome. 


And of course, the Kings and Queens all get named after famous 
ones. And the others... Okay, maybe the Deuces have it worse. No 
real identity to speak of. Even then, Deuce sounds cool, right? 'Who 
are you?’ 'They call me Deuce.' That's a guy you wanna watch yer 
back around. Well, and the Joker doesn't have a name, but the old 
man is creepy. Where was |? Oh right! Coulda been anything, hells 
I'd have taken Loup-Garou! 


But no. I'm the mother fucking Jack of Clubs. Or, Joc, as my siblings 
call me. Makes me feel like | should be french or something. | blame 
Mom. And the good Doctor. Hmm? The Good Doctor? It's what we 


always called him, cause he used so many different names, all the 
god damn time. | think you guys know him as Dr. Prometheus. Fire 
bringer my ass. Guy just likes to fiddle, with fucking EVERYTHING. 
Which was why he put up with Mom, | suppose. What he could do 
with inanimate objects, she could do with DNA. Mix this, match that, 
put it in her womb, BAM, self continuing lineage. With some really 
fucked up specific needs for procreation. 


Ah, yeh, now we're getting to the stuff you want, aren't we? Yeah, 
we each have to meet specific challenges in order to pass on our 
seed. Joh needs them to trust him. Jos needs to know them 
intimately, without them ever knowing him. Jackie only goes for 
rapists who love her. Me? | need consent. They need to tell me it's 
okay, before | can work my magic. Gotta think I'm one of them. 


It's harder than you think. | don't exactly look normal, y'know? I'm 
big, and burly, and | exude this whole 'predator' scent or something. 
Most of the girls have a sorta prey instinct to them, so a big hungry 
predator walking up and saying 'Hey, wanna bone?" just doesn't 
work. | gotta be subtle. Disguise my scent. That's what the skin is 
for. | wrap myself in the skin of someone they knew, and it's like, 
bam, he doesn't look so bad. Ok, so | like 'em dumb. Works better, 
yeah? Maybe a little of it is my own special magic, so they don't 
notice I'm wearing a butchered carcass. 


Not that they matter to me much after | do the dirty deed. My little 
babies get born hungry. No, I'm not much a loving parent. None of 
us are. But my little cubs can survive on their own. Instinct, yeah? 


Oh, yeah, that last girl. God, she was sexy. Beautiful eyes like limpid 
pools of moonlight. Soft, black hair, all curly and nice. Such beautiful 
full lips. Oh, | Knew from the moment | saw her, | had to have her. | 
knew she'd be perfect for one of my little babies. It took a while. I'm 
not used to finding such perfect girls, usually | have to hunt over hill 
and under dale to find such a sweet thing. 


So, | lured one of her little friends away, the friend wasn't as cute as 
my babe. Lure her off with the promise of a good time, maybe a nice 
meal. Not a bad sort, very trusting. But, | broke her neck anyways, 
before she could utter a single peep. | skinned her. I've always been 
good at such things. Natural claws, y'know? Anyways, simple 


enough to wrap this girls skin around me, like a cloak. Totally 
worked. | got close to my babe, my beautiful girl. Took about a 
week, of just, hanging around, and she got comfortable with me. 


Then | worked my magic. A nudge here, a comment there, and, 
before you know it, she was ready. all | needed was the word. She 
looked up at me, with those big brown eyes, and said what I'd been 
waiting to hear. 


She said 'Baaaaa.' 


Jack Of Diamonds 


| suppose you're wondering why | do it? Why | did it? Why we all... 
I'm sorry. It just hurts, you see. But it'll be better soon, I'm sure. 


She was special. Oh, they're all special. But this last one... she was 
different. Her eyes, they gleamed. Her smile, it made me think of 
angels. | knew, knew she would take my special gift, and maybe 
more. The others had been alright, but this one... 


| met her in Bangkok. We were playing... | don't remember what we 
were playing. | barely knew the rules. We had been randomly 
matched as team mates, versus these two ugly cross dressers. 
Despite my disadvantage, we kept winning, hand after hand. 
Eventually, we introduced ourselves to each other. Turned out her 
name was Jacqueline. | couldn't help but laugh. "Bet this is the first 
time two Jacks beat a pair of Queens!" She laughed. Even the old 
man dealing the cards laughed. It was love! 


Well, from my end, it was love. From her end... | had to fight, to get 
her attention. She was so beautiful. I've never been much of a fan of 
Asians, y'know, despite being stuck over here. But everyone knew 
how beautiful she was. She could walk down a street in a burlap 
sack, and heads would turn. Gorgeous, long black tresses, beautiful 
emerald eyes. She had dozens of male suitors. 


| just kept coming back. Made sure | was there when she needed 
me. Some of my friends, those who do what | do, they just rush 
things. Y'know? Jump a girl, do what they want, and leave. That's 
not for me. There's gotta be some emotion there, there's gotta be 
some kind of love. She felt the same way. 


Nine months, it took. Nine months of... dating? Yes, dating. After a 
while, she got used to me being there. Invited me to dinner. We 
talked, about so many things. Never once did she ask me back up to 
her place. She was a good girl, a clean girl. So very, very clean. 


Nine months, and that's when she did me the honor. She told me 
she thought we were finally close enough, that she knew me well 
enough to trust me. They always trust me, in the end. I've done it so 
many times... 


So there we were, naked before each other, touching, kissing, 
caressing, and the things she did to me... She barely had to touch 
me, y'know? She could just look at me, and sigh, and it was, 
orgasmic. But we fucked too. Fucked EVERYWHERE! | came, and 
came again, and she... enjoyed herself. In the end, there we were, 
laying on the bed, and | was ready to do my thing, when she starts 
moaning on top of me. I'm used to girls moaning, but she just... it 
wasn't sexual. It was like what we were doing hurt, but she couldn't 
stop it. | reached out, and she caught my hands. So strong, | think | 
still have bruises. Then her entire body tensed, locking me down 
hard inside her. 


That's when | felt it crawling inside me. However she does what she 
does, it crawled right down my shaft. Hurt like a bugger, like | was 
being torn apart from the inside, like what | had wanted to do to her. 
| screamed. Heaven help me, | screamed like a little girl, and passed 
out. 


When | woke up, she'd left me a message. Told me | was going to 
be a father. | can feel them, now, you know. All three of my sweet 
little babies, crawling around inside a sac in my belly. They're getting 
so big. Doc says they're healthy, eight limbs and all. Gonna rip their 
way out of their daddy soon, yes they are. I'm proud to be my little 
babies' first meal. 


Hey. | won't be around to raise them. Take care of my girls, would 
you? 


/ 12011 SCP-952-Gamma 1, 2, and 3 taken into Foundation 
custody. Agents in Asia are to be on the lookout for SCP-952- 
Gamma, using the alias ‘Jackie of Diamonds." 


Jargon 


| began walking along the hall to the briefing room. Another situation 
had come up, and | was expected to be present. As | walked my 
secretary Gloria walked alongside, giving me a cup of joe. 


"What's the sitch, Glor?" | took a sip. 

“Nother possible scip. Non-sent RB. Chrono. Might be artificial." 
"No kiddin'? Big F?" 

"Nah, not Big F or Dr. Dubya. They're thinking Pro Labs." 

"Geez, ever since T-kill | haven't heard anything from that place." 


She shrugged and opened the briefing room door for me. | nodded 
and thanked her. 


"Gentlemen." 
"Heads up boys, it's the SD." 
"Whuzzat? The suck dick?" 


We all laughed and | sat down at the head of the table, looking at 
the men before me. We'd been in and out of this room hundreds of 
times before. Everything from CBs to possible Cl attacks made us 
cram into this room every day. 


"What's the story, boys?" 
"Big one this time Ralph. We're thinkin’ a K." 
"Well shit. | hear there's Pro Labs involvement." 


"Yeah. Some Gawk guys gave us some intel." 


"What?" 


"Non-sent object. RB. Chrono, we're thinkin'. Might also be prob 
bending." 


"Some Wie-oo guys actually found it, Ralph. Ran back cryin’ all the 
way to the FBI." 


| laughed. "We got an MTF on this?" 
"Yep. A-23. No pro-rep from them yet." 
"Ok. Big S is done. Big C?" 


"Containment's goin’ well. We got some psyche immunes watchin’ it 
for a while, just in case." 


"Big P’?" 


"Gawk had intel, so they might come after it. Can't break into here 
though under the Anom treaty." 


"Right. Who's testing?" 


"We got Doc James on the go. Y'know him. Did some work with 
HTD Rep." 


"Oh yeah." 


The radio crackled in at the center of the desk. "Got the dash E in 
our sites. Ready to big C. Requesting permission." 


Frank leaned over and pressed a button. "You are go to contain 
Alpha-23." 


"Roger that." 
Frank looked over at me. "Another one in the bag, Ralph." 


| nodded and watched the map behind him blip for a minute or two. 
The radio voice crackled on again. "We got a successful contain. 
Returning to base." 


"Roger that, over and out." Frank turned off the radio. 
| looked around. "Good work men. Lunch?" 


They all nodded and we departed. | got a BLT. 


An Offer You Can't Refuse 


April 2nd, 2011 


ADDRESS HOLDER 
85 FREDERICK STREET 
ON, CANADA 


WE ARE PLEASED TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU HAVE BEEN 
SELECTED FROM A TALENTED POOL OF CANDIDATES FOR 
EMPLOYMENT WITH THE FACTORY. 


THIS IS A MANAGEMENT POSITION. TRANSPORTATION AND 
LIVING EXPENSES ARE FREE WITHOUT CHARGE. 


EXPECT TO BE TRANSPORTED TO FURTHER EMPLOYMENT 
WITHIN THE NEXT CALENDAR MONTH. 


WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE? 


>No 


Don't lie to me. When you make your bed, you lay in it. 
You're going nowhere soon. 


SCP-887 Log 


This is a log of the decoded and assembled output of SCP-887. 
Researchers are encouraged to volunteer at decoding the massive 
backlog of content. 


Researcher: Dr. Zara 


Sample 887-2930: Twelve pages written in Latin, mixed with 
French. The text describes a political system in which the 
movements of the tides are used to determine the next government. 
The text later veers into an unusual level of detail regarding the 
outfits one should wear in such tide-selecting ceremonies. 


Sample 887-3114: Eight pages of a crudely-drawn comic describing 
"Captain Backwards", his ability to enact an action -after- its effect 
and how he uses it to fight crime. The comic ends by Captain 
Backwards destroying himself to retroactively create the universe. 


Sample 887-4011: 133 pages, written in corrupted Esperanto. A 
thorough description of the contents of an unwed maiden's bedroom 
as it existed in a seventeenth-century European city (specific 
location is undetermined at this time). 


Sample 887-4281: A single page with five lines drawn diagonally 
across it with seventeen dots interspersed, in the manner of a 
musical notation staff. The resulting score, when played with pure 
tones through a synthesizer, induces seizures and short-term 
anterograde amnesia in 85% of the observed subjects. 


Sample 887-5102: Fifteen pages covered in curved lines. A brilliant 
deductive effort by Dr. determined these to be contiguous 
sections of a single level map, depicting a 30 km? area of the 
surface of Saturn's moon Enceladus. Seven points in the map are 
circled. 


Joey Fucknuts Believes In Himself 


Joey Fucknuts, known to his friends and loved ones as Joey 
Steelwings, stared out the cockpit window of the airplane he had 
built with his own two fists. Since reaching cruising altitude (or what 
he assumed was something that at least approximated cruising 
altitude as his altimeter read only “ON THE GROUND” and 
“REALLY HIGH UP”), both Joey's aircraft and his mind had been on 
autopilot. 


He had a hard time accepting that he had managed to get into the 
sky. His brain, already on the frayed and overheating side simply 
because of who and what he was, was going haywire. 


It was so beautiful. 


Once he had released his somewhat terrified grip on the controls 
and was confident the autopilot was not going to immediately reunite 
him with the ground in a spectacular and impactful way, he had 
simply stared, struck numb. Then, he cried for about an hour, not 
sure if he was supposed to be allowed to feel such powerful 
happiness and awe. Then he got distracted trying to figure out 
whether he had actually died in the attempt and this was just what 
happened after someone died. Then he decided that he was 
probably still alive and cried some more, unable to entirely accept 
that of all the people, he was the one that got to have this life. 


But then there were the clouds. 


This was very important. This was why he had come here. Some 
observations had to be made. It was time to learn. 


Joey got out his spiral notebook and pen and narrowed his eyes at 
the white things in the middle distance. He still didn't trust them 
completely, but was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. He 
let the autopilot keep its collision course, curious to see if the cloud 


would either attack (in which case Joey would have some 
emergency repairs to do in very short order, he was sure) or move 
out of the way, which he assumed would only be natural and polite 
of a thing to do. 


He flew dead on. The cloud did not move an inch. But it was getting 
bigger. 


This confused Joey enormously. It wasn't changing its shape, and it 
wasn't moving. But it was rapidly becoming huge. Extremely, 
ridiculously huge. And it had brought friends. And none of them were 
moving. It was just a wall of white. 


They were ganging up on him. They wanted to stop him. He knew 
they would try something like this. He knew they were going to be 
trouble, right from the start. 


Joey set down his notebook. 


He snorted, and frowned in determination. No cloud magic was 
going to scare him off. No way. He'd sacrificed too much, he'd 
worked too hard. The clouds were going to have to be nice and 
learn to share the sky with him. If they pulled some trick, and this 
was how his journey ended, then Joey would just fix himself and fly 
once more. He'd done it once and he could just keep doing it, again 
and again. He'd show the clouds that he wasn't going to be scared, 
and he wasn't going to turn back. Not anymore. 


The clouds were very, very large now. He could see no blue. It was 
all white. 


Joey lowered his goggles, bared his teeth, and growled his defiance. 
He stayed his course. 


I'm not gonna stop. 


He braced for impact. 
And then the cloud was all around him. 


Joey opened his eyes. All the windows, front, left, and right, were 


completely whited out. He blinked a few times to make sure his eyes 
were still working. Apparently, they were. 


Either the cloud had eaten him, or clouds were not what he thought 
they were at all.