Dr. Bridge. Enclosed is a set of mission-appropriate 
equipment, a photograph of SCP-826, and a packed 
lunch. Please retrieve SCP-826 as soon as humanly 
possible, and do not allow the complete destruction of 
any of the provided items. If our theories are correct, if 
you reach a “game over’, you will die. 

- Agent Lament 


Inside the bag were six red and white spheres, numbered 1 through 
6. 


“... My mission is a Pokémon Red Nuzlocke with a hacked team. 


Fuck yes.” He turned and started off north, sticking a foot into knee- 
height grass. 


“Hey wait! Don’t go out!” He stopped. He turned to see an old man 
with a lab coat making his way towards him. “It’s unsafe!” “Go 
away-” “Wild Pokémon live in the tall grass! You need your own 
Pokémon for your protection.” “I really don-” “I know!” “Stop-” “Here, 
come with me!” “No dammit-” 


0 6 0 6 


Oak dragged Bridge to his lab, next to a scowling kid. “Gramps! I’m 
fed up with waiting!” “Gary? Hm, let me think... Oh, that’s right, | told 
you to come! Just wait! Here, Django...” 


Bridge ignored the script, tapping his foot impatiently. As soon as 
Oak was done talking, he turned to leave. 


“Wait Django! Lets check out our Pokémon! Come on, I'll take you 
on!” 


With a flash of light, a Charmander appeared before Bridge. He 
picked Ball #1 from his belt and - 


A flash of light; a flash of red; a huge, hulking thing appeared. A 
spine-sail down its back; its mouth filled with enormous, glowing, red 
teeth; sightless, eyeless face; unmoving mouth, laughing with many 
Voices. 


“... Oh my god.” 


“... What the fuck.” Dodridge breathed flatly. 


“| think it’s the one we shot the lungs out of. In the game world it 
won’ kill Bridge. | think. ” 


“... Really? REALLY?” 


The thing laughed at Charmander, screaming in four distinct voices. 
Charmander shivered, then leapt and scratched it across the face. 


CHARMANDER used SCRATCH! 
Telepathic game prompts. Time to make shit up. 


“Crunch!” 


“Well that was violent.” remarked Lament. 

“What do you fucking expect? What else has he got?!” 

Three hours later, Bridge was strolling through Cerulean City, into 
the Pokémon Center. Poking his head in every building, looking in 


every bookshelf, in every PC, there was no 826. He DID have the 
Boulder Badge though. Sherman took care of Brock. 


Entering the Gym, he tossed a ball into the pool. Three minutes 
later, he stepped out, Bob hopping behind. To the Nugget Bridge! 
“He’s enjoying this too much.” 

“Eh, let him have his fun.” 

“No look at him. These are war crimes. They melted.” 

Three more hours, and Bridge exited Celadon Gym, with Lazerbeak 
gliding close behind. 


“You’re kickass, Laze. How do you know Steel Wing? That’s not 
around till Gen 2.” 


“SCRAW!” 


“That is a horrible noise.” 


“Why do they listen to him?” 


“I dunno.” 


“No, that thing doesn’t even move until night. How’d you even 
acquire any of these? Zero Seventy Five is a high, high risk Keter. 
The fuck’s with these Doctors?” 


“| honestly have no idea. Wasn’t me who put the forms in. Steve 
rolled a bunch of dice and used the numbers to requisition for 
testing.” 


“... god damn it Steve.” 


Bridge exited Saffron Gym riding on Pazuzu’s shoulders. The dried 
up, shuddering corpse shivered and twitched, ignored by Bridge and 
the rest of the fucknormous spider beast. 


“Awesome job Pazuzu. You fucking decapitated ‘Zam with that last 
X-Scissor. | am in no way surprised that you’re Dark-Bug type, hell, 
I’m not even going to ask why your attacks are ahead of your time. 
Just keep kicking ass.” 


“Hhh-” coughed the corpse. “Sh-K!-ssss” shrieked the spider. 


They rode off to Route 19. 


“... Goddamn. It ate the fucking mime.” Dodridge sank into a seat. 
“MISTER, Mime, to be completely accurate.” 


“Shut up. Just shut up. | feel sick.” 


“... Lwonder...” Bridge leaned on Cinnabar Island’s Pokémon 
Center’s counter, waiting for the healing machine to finish. Blaine’s 
Gym is was babies. 


“... fuckit.” He grabbed his balls and headed outside, calling on 
Lazerbeak to fly him to Viridian. Reaching the Pokémon Center, he 
headed north and saw a balding man laid out on the ground. 


“Ahh, I’ve had my coffee now and | feel great! Sure you can go 
through! Are you in a hurry?” 


“No.” 


“| see you're using a Pokédex. When you catch a Pokémoly, the 
Pokédex is automatically updated, Whar? Y¥ ol; dort know how 
4ocateh Pokémign? I'lkShow you Few thea 


Bridge sighed and waited. A chill ran up his spine... 


Wait, when did the sky get so dark...? 


A wild WEEDLE appeared! 
Fight 
item 
Pokebailx50 
OLD MAN used Pokebaii! 
All right! WEEDLE was caught! 


"Oh shi-" 


The man flickered and turned to look at Bridge; he was greasy, with 
a pointed, horrible grin; slick, rancid hair, the stench of death. He 
floated above the ground a bit, black ichor dripping onto the dirt, 
hissing and burning like so many nightmares. 


“PIPSE- you need 16 Weakeit the argetPokShionz 


“... Nope.” 


Lazerbeak flew Bridge the fuck out of there and back to Cinnabar 
Island. He made his way to the shoreline, tossed Welker into the 
water, and climbed on its shoulders. 


They swam for a few minutes up and down the shoreline. Then... 
something appeared. Without warning, the skies darkened; a tall 
pillar of glitch code flourished into being in before Bridge and 
Welker. 


Wild MISSINGNO. appeared! 
WELKER’s INTIMIDATE cut enemy MISSINGNO.’s ATTACK! 


“Recontainment of Theta-Prime commencing.” Bridge muttered with 
a grin as he hopped into the shallows. Welker began singing nursery 
rhymes, teeth glowing redder; the glitchmon itself began to glow with 
a harsh light. 


“What the fuck was that.” Dodridge paled. 


“Don’t tell me you didn’t expect it.” Lament sighed, leaning an elbow 
on the desk. 


“... How... no. He’s fighting math. He intimidated math.” 
“I’m checking the Foundnet to see if anything breached containment. 


Just settle down and let me look for 106.” 


Two hours later, Bridge exited the Viridian Gym, Johnny in tow. The 
city burned, small cracks forming in the sky, Glitchmon leaking 
through. Old Man was nowhere to be seen. 


“Fuel.” 
“No.” 
“FUEL.” 


“Johnny, return, stop whining. We’re getting the fuck out of here.” 


pepedl |: eee 

“Just keep watching.” 

“He just...” 

“Yeah. Shh. Nothing on 106. Hasn’t even moved.” 

“Finally...” Bridge looked up to the huge building before him. Ten 


straight hours inside the game. He was tired, hungry, and had to 
piss. “The Pokémon League. Thanks for owning Victory Road, 


Welker.” 

“Thanks for owning Victory Road, Welker.” 
“Shut up.” 

“Shut up.” 

“No, you.” 

“No, you.” 

“Bahahaa” 

“Bahhahaha!” 

“Okay that was fucking creepy." 

“We're gonna incinerate that thing.” Dodridge punched the table, 
staring at the screen. 

“What, Welker?” 


“WHAT DO YOU THINK?” 


“Welcome to the Pokémon League!” A woman in glasses greeted 
Bridge past the doors and rest center. The room freezing, containing 
only a floating dock on a deep, deep pool. “! am Lorelei of the Elite 
Four!” 


Bridge sighed, dropping a ball. It burst into light, the dock creaking 
under the Bob’s insane weight. 


“No one can best me when it comes to icy Pokémon!” Lorelei 
laughed. “Freezing moves are powerful! Your Pokémon will be at my 
mercy when they are frozen solid! Hahaha! Are you ready?” 


“Bob, use Acid.” 


BUB Used ACID! 


ELITE FOUR LORELEI sent out JYNX! 
Critical hit! it’s not very effective... 

Enemy JYNX fainted! 

ELITE FOUR LORELEI sent out LAPRAS! 
Critical hit! Enemy LAPRAS fainted! 


A Dewgong appeared with a flash and dove under the water. Bob 
followed suit, sinking through the docks. The water began to cloud; 
the docks began to creak. Soon, Dewgong floated to the surface 
and returned to its ball. Another flash of light, and a plop to the side 
as Cloyster clamped and dove in; soon, it returned to Lorelei in a red 
light. 


The docks started sinking. Lorelei’s Jynx fired silver Icebeams into 
the water and waves of telekinetic force battered the pool; neither 
Ice nor Psychic attacks could strike the irrationally agile snail. Soon 
the docks gave way under Jynx and it fell into the water. Another 
burst of red, then white, then red light, and Lorelei’s Lapras fell 
through the rest of the sinking docks. 


Bridge stretched and began walking, then running to the next door. 
In a last-second Indiana Jones maneuver, Bridge slid under the 
closing door to Bruno and returned Bob to its ball. 


“Sorry to give you the cold shoulder, but | have places to be.” 


“I’m gonna kill him.” Dodridge’s eye twitched. 
Lament burst out laughing. 
“Straight up murder him in his sleep.” Twitch twitch. 


“I’m more annoyed at the choice of attacks. Zero Seven Five’s 
caustic, not acidic.” Lament mused. 


“Is there a fucking difference?” 


“Shh... shh. Leave the science to me, Jason. It’s better that way.” 


"lam Bruno of the Elite Four!” Shouted the shirtless man sitting in 
the middle of a room full of rocks and dirt. “Through rigorous 
training, people and Pokémon can become stronger without limit.” 


Bridge dropped Sherman’s ball. A burst of white light, a rustle of 
leaves, and a massive pile of kindling crowded his half of the arena. 


“I've lived and trained with my Fighting Pokémon! And that will never 
change!” An Onix burst from the ground. Onix is Rock/Ground type. 


“Django! We will grind you down with our superior power! Hoo hah!" 
“Sherman, Razor Leaf!” Bridge commanded. 


SHERMAN used RAZOR LEAF! It’s super effective! 

Enemy ONIX used HARDEN! Enemy ONIX’s DEFENSE rose! 
SHERMAN used RAZOR LEAF! It’s super effective! Enemy ONIX 
fainted! 

ELITE FOUR BRUNO sent out HiTMONCHAN! 

Enemy HiTMONCHAN used FIRE PUNCH! 

it's super effective! 

SHERMAN, that’s enough, come back! 

Go! JOHNNY! 

JOHNNY used INFERNO! 


ELITE FOUR BRUNO sent out HiITMONLEE! 
Enemy HITMONLEE fainted! 

ELITE FOUR BRUNO sent out ONIX! 

it's not very effective... 

Enemy ONIX fainted! 

ELITE FOUR BRUNO sent out MACHAMP'! 

That’s enough, return, JOHNNY! Go! LAZERBEAK! 


As leaves cut rock, the perverted stone snake returned to its master. 
A misshapen boxer in pink shorts punched a burning hole into the 
Stick Blob, only to be incinerated by a wave not unlike a supernova. 


A blemmyes with stretchy legs and a second stone snake followed 
their friend into scorched oblivion. The Burning Man simply 
incinerated everything in what can only be described as excessive 
proactive retaliation. 


A flash of metal, and the thud of muscle on stone, and the final 
fighters graced the field with their presence. The metal hawk 
Lazerbeak took flight; Bruno’s prized Machamp flexed and posed in 
defiance. 


LAZERBEAK fiew up high! 

Enemy MACHAMP used FOCUS ENERGY! Enemy MACHAMP’s 
getting pumped! 

LAZERBEAK used FLY! 

It's super effective! Enemy MACHAMP fainted! 


With a sound not unlike a car wreck, the robo-bird crashed into the 
Goro knockoff, throwing it across the arena. 


"My job is done. Go face your next challenge." Bruno grunted as he 
turned away from Bridge. 


“Well fuck you too. Come on Laze, let's kick the shit out of some old 
ladies.” 


“SCRAW!” 


“| don’t even.” Agent Dodridge slumped in a chair, having long since 
given up on this making any kind of sense. 


“Yeah, the entire world is fucked up. Probably has to do with the fact 
that it’s drawing from current-generation move pools when designing 
the SCPokémon’s moves... Would explain why the Nine Forty can 
use X-Scissor and Four Five Seven can use Inferno, when the 
series hadn’t yet introduced any of those moves.” 


Dodridge stared at Lament; Lament stared blankly back. 


Bridge entered the next room and looked around; a graveyard, 
musty and filled with fog. 


Father =: Nothing. It was just blackness. But there was 
this sort of light that spilled out, or maybe more like 
glowing smoke. It's hard to describe. 


Dr. Sanders: What happened then? 


Father  : Well, Father [REDACTED] started speaking. 
That's really when | knew everything your people had 
told me was true. His dead body was possessed, it was 
speaking in tongues. We just kept standing there, 
praying we were right, that everything you'd told us was 
true, and that we could keep this door from closing, but it 
looked like the door was still closing slowly, and we didn't 
know how long we were supposed to last... 


Father  : That was when Bishop [REDACTED] walked 
up the door and started pushing it back. It worked. We all 
joined him. 


Dr. Sanders: Did that stop the door from closing further? 


Father —: Just for a bit .. yeah ... but then it started 
closing again, and we kept pushing back ... and praying 
... but it was hard, | was afraid | was going to fall out; the 
plane was shaking so much, and the lights flickered, and 
Father [REDACTED] was still there on the floor, looking 
up at us with cold eyes, chanting in some hellish 
tongue... 


Father — : I'm told the whole thing lasted four hours, but 
it felt like forever. | don't remember it much, except the 
falling. Near the end, it felt like the airplane was crashing, 
| thought we were all going down, that this was the end. 
It's like when you're going down in a really fast elevator, 
but worse. Everything was shaking, and | felt this abyss 
below me open up, and we were all praying, and | was 
pushing against the door so hard my hands were 
bleeding 


Father’ :... then it all stopped, just like that. Bishop 
[REDACTED] fell out through the door then, out into the 


"lam Agatha of the Elite Four!” An old lady cackled, sitting ona 
tombstone across from Bridge. 


“Oak's taken a lot of interest in you, child!” “I’m not a child-” “That old 
duff was once tough and handsome! That was decades ago!” “Meh.” 
“Now he just wants to fiddle with his Pokédex! He's wrong! Pokémon 
are for fighting!” 


Bridge quietly pulled a ball from his belt. He hated Gengar. 
“Django! I'll show you how a real trainer fights!" 


The lights darkened; a huge purple shadow thing with glowing red 
eyes crawled out from Bridge’s shadow. 


“Pazuzu, | choose YOU!” Bridge cried, throwing the ball into the air. 
A flash of light; Pazuzu appeared. A desiccated, thin, starved 
corpse, carried by huge, needle sharp spider legs covered with 
eyes. 


Enemy GENGAR used NIGHT SHADE! 

it's not very effective... 

PAZUZU used NIGHT SLASH! 

Critical hit! it’s super effective! Enemy GENGAR fainted! 
ELITE FOUR AGATHA sent out GOLBAT! 

Enemy GOLBAT used WING ATTACK! 

it's super effective! 

PAZUZU used NIGHT SLASH! 


ELITE FOUR AGATHA sent out ARBOK'! 
PAZUZU used SUCKER PUNCHI 
Enemy ARBOK fainted! 


Dark light blazed against Pazuzu, doing naught but annoy the hellish 
man-spider. It leapt into shadows, silently flanking Gengar and 
hacking it apart with gusto; sparks of violet light burned from 
Pazuzu’s claws. A Golbat replaced the ghost; ambushing Pazuzu 
with a smack of its wings, the spider turned into another slash, 
hewing the horrible flying mouth cleanly in two. After a moment, a 
huge cobra reared its head behind Pazuzu, only to be thwarted by 
the corpse witha backhand. 


ELITE FOUR AGATHA sent out HAUNTER! 
PAZUZU used SUCKER PUNCH! Btt it falied! 
Enemy HAUNTER used HYPNOSIS! 
PAZUZU fell asieep! 


it doesn't affect PAZUZU... PAZUZU woke up! 

PAZUZU used NIGHT SLASH! 

Critical hit! it's super effective! Enemy HAUNTER fainted! 
ELITE FOUR AGATHA sent out GENGAR! 

PAZUZU used SUCKER PUNCH! 

It's super effective! Enemy GENGAR fainted! 


There was a silence after the Golbat returned to Agatha. Pazuzu 
circled the field, expertly maneuvering the gravestones, before just 
slumping into sleep. The Haunter appeared, and tried to bite the 
corpses’ head; it yelped in fright as the spider awoke and stabbed it 
into the wall, scrambling up into the dark. As the final Gengar 
appeared, Pazuzu dropped onto it, impaling the ghost with all eight 
legs.