“Yes, yes of course. Anything.” 


“Well that’s good, isn’t it Iris?” Lolly asked hopefully. “It’s a heck of a 
lot better than one little coin purse. You’re not still mad at me, are 
you?” 


“She threw herself in mortal danger against my direct orders, 
threatening to strand us in a hostile city and permanently ruin 
relations between our two businesses while ordering me to stop my 
own Ouroboros spell!” 


In the Ringmaster’s tent, Lolly once again sat on Icky’s lap while 
they sat across from a partner of Marshall, Carter & Dark lividly 
accusing them of gross misconduct. 


“And before that, she was asking the Wandsman about his penis 
and his feces and how his people reproduce!” 


“The Wandsman liked me! He said | could come back anytime and 
learn all about Kul-Manas!” Lolly countered, sticking her tongue out 
at her. Icky gently pulled her back and calmly addressed Iris. 


“Dark, | understand that Lolly’s behavior may have been less than 
professional, but given that you attempted to murder an entire 
council of people -” 


“Bird people,” Iris interjected. 
“Racist!” 


“| hardly think you have any right to accuse her of improper 
conduct,” Icky said. “You got your business deal, nobody innocent 
got hurt, can’t we agree to just let this go?” 


“Listen, her crass behavior jeopardized the success of this deal from 
the minute we stepped through the Door, and she actively subverted 
my authority by forcing me to destroy the Ouroboros,” Iris replied. 
“That is unacceptable and it cannot happen on future expeditions. | 
am going to have to insist that she be disciplined for this.” 


“Oh, you can watch Icky spank me if you want. That’s always fun.” 
Icky snickered, but gestured for her to remain silent. 
“Iris, | understand and | agree. |’ll be sure to write her up for this.” 


“You'll write her up?” 


suggested that he feared the animals that he had taxidermized. No 
evidence suggests that Peter Murray ever owned any taxidermied 
animals. 


Footnotes 

1. Attempts to synthesize or analyze this anesthetic have failed; see 
Document A-625-30 for further information. 

2. Speeds in excess of 35kph and the ability to exert forces of 400N. 
Due to unusual muscle structure, SCP-625 is only capable of 
jumping approximately two meters vertically in this state, 
necessitating a relatively tall containment chamber. 


« SCP-624 | SCP-625 | SCP-626 » 


“Yes, that’s what | said.” 


“|...L guess that will do. | can’t deal with any more bullocks today. 
Come on Victor, let’s get back to London.” 


With only a polite wave goodbye from Victor, he and Dark left the 
Ringmaster’s tent. Once they were gone, Icky reached into her desk 
and pulled out a document which, unbeknownst to her, was not 
dissimilar to a document kept by the SCP Foundation. 


. Attempt to break her record of drinking 5 7 8 pints of 


Clown's Milk in one sitting. 


. Attempt to break her record of producing 3 1/2 5 1/2 6 1/2 


pints of Clown's Milk in one sitting. 


. Call a Circus wide emergency conference to decide 


whether Quincy's butterflies pollinating Yume's flowers 
counts as sex. 


. Debate customers on the validity of the Fifthist Church's 


teachings. 


. Stretch Meaty the Meat Worm into a Mobius strip. 
. Attempt to guess Manny's actual name. 
. Change the gravity in the bounce house from 'Moon' to 


‘Sun’. 


. Order any Wondertainment product that is living, explosive, 


radioactive, poisonous, autonomous, expensive or requires 
adult supervision without Icky's permission. 


. Create anatomically correct, animate balloon animals. (not 


even for educational purposes) 


. Challenge Motormouth to a pie eating contest. 
. Crawl inside Motormouth's stomach while he's sleeping in 


order to retrieve said pies. 


. Ask the Amazing Zoltan if he knows why kids love the great 


13. 


14. 


15. 


16. 


17. 


18. 


18, 


20. 


21; 


ee. 


23. 


24. 


Os 


26. 


27. 


28. 


29. 


taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, how many licks to the 
center of a Tootsie Pop, etc. 

Consult the Amazing Zoltan on anything other than 
Alchemy. 

Cite the Scarlet King mythos as a ‘patriarchal yet functional’ 
example of polyamory. 

Attempt to harvest silk from Library Pages. 

Attempt to hack the Essie P database to change every 
‘good freak's' special containment procedures to "set them 
free you assholes". 

Claim she is the first openly LGBT individual to literally ride 
a rainbow. (It's part of the midway. I've ridden it, and I'm 
sure lots of other LGBT+s have too) 

Incorporate Miles the Bonecat into her Pussy Lovers 
routine. (the boner pun was hilarious though) 

Re-purpose Dicksy's old reprogenetic equipment into a DIY 
bio-lab. (It doesn't matter how easy Professor Abnormal 
made it look, self-replicating cotton candy is a disaster 
waiting to happen) 

Arrange play-dates for Ragamuffin with other possessed 
dolls. 

Ask Ed & Al if they stock Tartarean Brimstone. (I do not 
want Ragamuffin summoning play-dates for herself either) 
Place Eliza inside of a custom made hamster ball. 

Ask any of our Sur-prizers to create extropic bouncy balls. 
We're lucky that thing bounced off into space before it killed 
anyone. 

Ask any of our Carnival Confectionarians to create extropic 
jumping jelly beans. Please see above. 

Ride the Ferris Wheel on top of, outside of, or underneath 
the cars. (I know she's not in any danger, but it sets a bad 
example for the younger guests) 

Use Cotton Candy and Calliope music recreationally during 
work hours. 

Ride the go-carts while under the influence of the above. 
Introduce wooden ponies from the Carousel to real ponies 
from the Petting Zoo. The experience is existentially 
horrifying for both of them. 

Utter the phrase ‘Circus Time Procedures’ within earshot of 
Eugene. 


30. 


31. 


32. 


33. 


34. 


35. 
36. 


37. 


38. 


39. 
40. 


41. 


42. 


43. 


44 


45. 


46. 
47. 


Tell the children of guests that running away from home can 
turn out great. 

Claim that her self-appointed position as the Circus's 
Princess entitles her to an adult-sized play castle. (In all 
fairness this turned out be a great attraction for the midway, 
but it still isn't hers) 

Complain to The Masked Lords, The Ambassador, The 
Hanged King or that guy selling olive oil that Alagadda isn't 
colourful enough. 

Attempt to weaponize Waldorf's old cannon as a defense 
against Essie P raids. 

Ask the Shark Punching Center if they've ever fought a 
Sharknado. 

Ride her unicyle at supersonic speeds. 

Commission Anderson Robotics to create "Five Nights at 
Freddy's" knock off animatronics. 

Attempt to spay and/or neuter any of the attractions in the 
Menagerie of Mayhem. 

Claim that napping during work hours are ‘business calls to 
the Oneiroi Collective’. (I don't care if she actually is talking 
with it, there's no reason she can't do it at night) 

Make any sort of marking on an Inkling note. 

Use the Kaleidoscope to harvest helium from Jupiter. (Yes, 
| know it's a dwindling resource. Let Elon Musk expose his 
ass to that much radiation to get it) 

Ask any members of the Cogwork Orthodoxy how the 
constant ticking doesn't drive them insane. 

Conduct 'sensitivity workshops’. (| know she meant well, but 
it ended up being far more offensive than the inciting 
incident) 

Ask Gary to help her make crank calls to any reality's 
President Trump, President Clinton, President Sanders, 
President Ryan, President-for-life Obama, you know what, 
just revoke her use of Gary's phone box altogether. 


. Take Victor any VIP guest on a tour of the Funhouse 


without any accompanying children. 

Order a second Obama Llama to see if they'll bite each 
other's testicles off. 

Direct guests looking for the restrooms to the Milking tent. 
Let Quincy anyone drive our Porsche! 


48. 
49. 
50. 
51. 
52. 
53. 
54. 
Do: 


56. 
57. 


58. 
59. 


60. 


Let any of Ripley's sea-monsters out of the Fun-house 
because ‘they needed some fresh-air'. 

Offer Clown's Milk to non-clowns she doesn't like as a 
covert attempt at assassination. 

Secretly administer Antabuse any medication to Bubblegum 
anyone. 

Tell Nixie that she is not allowed in her tank within an hour 
after eating. 

Attempt to locate the City of Adytum on Google Maps. 
Play 'Bloody Mary’ with Pepper's mirror. 

Hide all the Clown Impulse Suppressant because 'Clowns 
are supposed to be impulsive’. 

Troll GAW chat rooms by claiming to be a gamer 
unironically opposed to marijuana. 

Bring a ‘dune worm’ through the Kaleidoscope. 

Ask Sandstorm to make a giant desert terrarium for said 
dune worm. 

Call Iris Dark for tech support. 

Call Percival Darke for tech support. (He doesn't have a 
phone, | don't know how she actually did this) 

Upload nightcore remixes of Virtuoso's arias on Youtube. 


Reaching over the standard blue pens that Manny used and 
grabbing her distinctive purple pen, she added a new entry. 


61. Ask the Wandsman of Kul-Manas questions about his 


reproductive or digestive biology while on business calls with Iris 
Dark. 


“Sorry Icky.” 


“It’s alright darling. | forgive you.” 


« A Scip Or A Star? | Dread & Circuses Hub | City of Wonder™ 


» 


City of Wonder™ 


« Dark and Disquieting | Dread & Circuses Hub | The Sea Slug 
and the Showman » 


Icky and Lolly screamed in delight as the Frite Lite Roller Coaster 
zoomed along its twisted path through Wonder World!™. In addition 
to being the theme park city’s biggest attractions, the roller coasters 
doubled as metro trains. While their looping and winding tracks may 
not have been the most efficient route, they made up for the extra 
distance in speed and smiles. 


As much as Lolly loved the Circus, she also loved the chance to 
enjoy the much larger attractions that were possible at a fixed 
location. From the peak of the loop, she could see all of Wonder 
World!™. It was an unusually colourful city, full of pastel buildings 
with no sharp corners, most of them so oddly shaped they looked 
like funhouse mirror reflections of themselves. The sky was blue, the 
sun bright, and the music of songbirds and laughter of children 
pervaded the air. From the sights to the sounds to the people 
themselves, everything about the city was designed to project an 
aura of childlike innocence. Wonder World!™ was intended to be a 
place where dreams came true, where nothing bad ever happened. 


Lolly may have been willing to believe that, but Icky couldn’t help but 
wonder how many problems Wonder World!™ just covered up 
instead of dealing with to preserve its squeaky clean image. 


As the roller coaster dove down towards the ground again, it began 
to decelerate. 


“Next stop — Wonder Plaza!” an automated announcer proclaimed 
with the same mandatory enthusiasm it did for all stops. As soon as 
the roller coaster came to a halt, Lolly hopped out while pulling Icky 
behind her. 


“So | think I’ve had enough rides for today, so we should probably 
do some shopping,” Lolly told her. “The Neverland Boutique has the 
largest selection of kid’s style clothes in adult sizes I’ve ever seen, 
plus all their outfits come in matching doll sizes -” 


“Lolly.” 


“| can probably get some props for my act at one of the toy stores, 
and | want to hit the candy stores because everything they sell here 
is delicious -” 


“Lolly.” 


“Then we can get dinner - how cool is it that fancy restaurants here 
serve dinosaur shaped nuggets? - catch a show - they’re supposed 
to put on an amazing Seussical - and then we can finish the day at 
the skating rink, or maybe a balloon ride, or maybe -” 


“Lolly!” 
“What?” 


“Just slow down for a second. We're on a date, not running a 
marathon. Let’s just take a minute to ourselves, enjoy this,” Icky 
suggested. She pulled Lolly towards her and went in for a kiss. To 
her surprise, Lolly pulled back. 


“Hey, remember we’re in Wonder World. We got to keep it family 
friendly.” 


“Lesbians are family friendly now. There’s like a whole show on 
Cartoon Network about space lesbians. It’s awesome.” 


“Icky.” 


“What’s the point of going on a date if we can’t even kiss? Just kiss 
me and you'll see no one cares. Trust me.” 


Lolly gave a somewhat embarrassed smile and nodded her consent. 
Icky pulled her towards her and kissed her, only to be interrupted by 
the high pitch screech of a police whistle. 


“Uh oh.” 
“You've got to be kidding me.” 


“That’s enough of that, you two, hands where | can see them,” the 
whistleblower said. He was dressed in a bright blue coat with 
polished brass buttons, shiny tin medals, and a reflective orange 
sash. On his head, he wore a comically tall Custodian's helmet with 
a plastic badge pinned to the front that read 'Wonder World Security 
Force™'. 


“Is there a problem, off— I’m sorry, | was going to say ‘officer’ but 
you're closer to a mall cop or something, aren’t you?” 


“’m a Hall Monitor, and you two are in direct violation of Wonder 
World’s public decency bylaws.” 


“Is that so?” Icky asked in a low, cold voice. 

“Icky, please stay calm,” Lolly urged her. 

“I’m afraid it is. No individuals, be they residents or guests, may 
engage in kissing on the lips or the fondling of any swimsuit areas 


whilst in public view,” the Hall Monitor informed them. 


“Swimsuit areas? That’s how the law is actually worded?” Icky 
asked. “You can’t even use grownup words in your legislation? Is 
your company charter written in crayon?” 


“It is, actually. There’s an activity sheet on the back.” 

“Icky, you heard what he said. It’s just a public display of affection 
thing. It’s not homophobic, it applies to everyone, so let’s not make a 
big deal out of this.” 


“Hand over your hall passes and I'll stamp them with frowny faces,” 
the Hall Monitor said. “Three frowny faces and your hall passes will 
be revoked.” 


Icky couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation. 


“And what if we don’t? What then? Your nightstick is made out of 


Nerf. How exactly do you plan to enforce any of this if we don’t just 
politely cooperate?” she asked. 


“Icky, think about this. | love coming here, and Wondertainment is 
one of our suppliers. This isn’t worth it,” Lolly insisted. 


“Actually that’s a good point. We’re from the Circus of the 
Disquieting, which is a decent sized client of yours. Unless you want 
to risk losing our business, I’m going to have to insist that you waive 
this particular bylaw, just this once.” 


His face sternly resolute, the Hall Monitor unsheathed his nerf bat. 
“I’m sorry miss, but the law is the law. Your hall pass, if you please.” 


Icky just rolled her eyes and turned to leave, grabbing Lolly by the 
hand. She stopped dead in her tracks when she felt the soft foam 
baton strike the back of her head. 


“And there’s another one where that came from if you don’t -” 


The Hall Monitor immediately fell silent when Icky spun around, her 
eyes burning with a fierce purple blaze. She telekinetically pulled the 
bat from his hand and transmuted it into a spiked medieval club of 
heavy iron. 


“Did you seriously just hit me with this?” she demanded, her voice 
taking on a deep and terrifying timbre. The Hall Monitor stumbled 
backwards, tripping and falling, too paralyzed with fear to get back 
up. He stammered inanely but could produce no coherent response. 


“Icky! You’re making a scene!” Lolly yelled at her. Icky looked 
around the rest of the plaza and saw that most of the other people 
were now staring at them, most with looks of shock and horror. She 
shook her head, returning her appearance to normal, and then 
tossed the club to the ground. It landed with a heavy clunk, its 
spikes cracking the pristine pavement. Grabbing Lolly by the hand 
once more, the two of them ran out of public view as quickly as they 
were able. 


Once they were gone, the Hall Monitor grabbed his Walkie Talkie off 
of his belt.