"No, | did that," she replied, pulling out a sack from her 
hammerspace pockets. “I went through the whole office and nabbed 
everything that looked like a laptop, tower, tablet, or smartphone | 
could find. Are you sure these computers are magic though? 
Because they seem pretty normal to me.” 


“| didn’t say they were magic, | said they were advanced,” Iris replied 
as she examined the contents of the sack. “I haven’t been able to 
figure out exactly what sort of hardware it is yet, but | do know it’s 
extremely efficient and not producing any waste heat. Memory and 
processing power are at least twenty times higher than a 
comparable top-of-the-line product in our reality. It charges 
wirelessly and in under a minute, consumes no power on standby, 
and a full charge can give you over a hundred hours of peak use. 
This Faithful OS, on the other hand, is, well, it’s what you would 
expect for a theocratic regime. The restrictions are rather severe so 
at the very least I'll have to do some jailbreaking. Ideally, I’d like to 
make a version of DarkEnergy that’s compatible with this hardware 
and install that instead." 


only audible under ideal conditions, exposed personnel frequently 
ascribe supernatural causes to these sensations. 


Incident 628-023: On 04/04/20 , as part of an approved test 
overseen by Dr.O G_ ,2D-class personnel equipped with 
chainsaws attempted to harvest SCP-628-8. Approximately at the 
moment of contact between the chainsaw blade and the item's bark, 
the local wind speed began increasing, from 9 km/hr to 77 km/hr in 
less than 80 seconds. SCP-628 activated accordingly, playing at 
roughly 150 dB a piece later identified as an augmented version of 
J.S. Bach's "Fugue in Minor". While it remained active, personnel 
across Site-104 experienced affective and physical disturbances 
consistent with the effects of high-decibel infrasound. On-site 
seismometers recorded the equivalent of a Richter magnitude 0.63 
earthquake. 


Anomalous weather activity persisted for another minutes 

seconds, exactly the duration of the fugue being played. Wind speed 
and cloud cover quickly returned to normal once the piece 
concluded. 


In accordance with containment protocols, experimentation had 
been suspended shortly after confirmation of anomalous weather 
activity; SCP-628-8's trunk had been almost halfway severed at that 
point. When Dr.G and the research team returned to SCP-628-8 
five hours later, however, they observed that the damage to the 
item's trunk had begun to heal, smoothly and [DATA EXPUNGED] in 
a manner inconsistent with known patterns of plant growth. 


Incident 628-024: On 05/04/20 , events substantially similar to 
those reported in Incident 628-023 occurred, with the significant 
difference that SCP-628-8's trunk, which had healed entirely in the 
intervening hours, was completely severed before evacuation. The 
item was partially toppled in the wind before being caught in the 
branches of its neighbor, SCP-628-15. The damage to SCP-628-8's 
trunk healed entirely over the following 24 hours, although the item 
did not right itself in the process. [DATA EXPUNGED] tension wood 
of considerable interest to the presiding researcher. 


Dr.G was reprimanded for recklessness. 


"Worst comes to worst, we could probably sell this stuff as is in 
Eurtec,” Victor suggested. 


“Uh-huh. That’s cool, | guess,” Lolly said disinterestedly. “So... when 
are we going to get my hovercraft?” 


“For the third time Lolly, we’re getting your hovercraft last, since we 
can’t very well haul a car through the building with us,” Iris huffed. 


"Well we can't, but she might; | have no idea how much she can fit in 
those pockets,” Victor countered. “Don't worry Lolly, the bottom forty 
stories of this place are a parking garage, so I’m sure you'll have 
your pick. Just don’t wander off, since neither of us wants to re- 
enact a classic Seinfeld episode.” 


Lolly squeed excitedly and started jumping up and down. 
“This is so amazing! I’m going to get a hovercraft!” 
Iris closed the sack back up and handed it back to Lolly. 


“Alright, these are enough electronics to keep me and my tech team 
busy for a while,” she said. "Let’s go check out the lab.” 


The three of them moved through the administrative offices and into 
the medical facility in the back. Away from the windows, the place 
only became darker, and they were forced to take their flashlights 
out to navigate. The eerie silence was briefly broken by a soft 
rumble through the floor. They held still for a moment to make sure it 
wasn't a herald of something disastrous, and then pressed onwards. 


At the very back there was a large sign on a heavy door which read 
‘Authorized Personnel Only by Order of the Sacrosanct Father of 
Resplendent Penance’, but the door was slightly ajar and the 
electronic lock appeared to be non-functional. 


As they stepped into the room, the lights attempted to turn on, 
flickering a few times before mostly giving up, strobing at random 
intervals. Either side of the room was lined with transparent tubes, 
two meters tall by a meter across. They were all empty and in 
pristine condition, with the exception of a single broken tube, whose 
shattered fragments still littered the ground around it. 


Iris was focused so intently upon it that she nearly jumped out of her 
skin when she heard Lolly shriek in terror. 


“Oh my god, look!” she said, pointing to the end of the room while 
cowering behind Iris and Victor. 

There, sealed behind a barrier of thick diamond, was what had 
made the rumbling noise only a moment ago. 


An Unclean. 


It was a relatively small one, only a few tonnes in weight and a few 
meters in height. It lay on its side, perfectly still, its blank face turned 
away from them. 


“Is it dead?” Victor whispered. 


“No, | don’t think they can die and still remain intact,” Iris replied, 
shining her flashlight towards the caged monstrosity. “It doesn’t 
seem active though. It must have been in here since just before this 
World ended. It's probably the very same one that broke out of this 
tube here, and they never got the chance to ship it off to the 
Unfertile Lands. Well, if it’s been locked in there for sixty-four years 
already we probably don’t need to worry. Keep an eye on it though.” 


“Mm-hmmm!” Lolly nodded in fervent agreement, keeping her gaze 
fixed on the abomination. At the end of the lab, across from the 
Unclean, they found an adjacent room full of storage tanks. 


“His Holy Tears. Excellent,” Iris said as she began inspecting the 
first tank. 


“It’s just a bunch of goop. How is this better than a hovercraft?” Lolly 
asked. 


“It’s Akivic Purification Serum,” Iris said. “It generates off-the-chart 
levels of Akiva radiation in highly specific wavelengths. The radiation 
strengthens traits with matching spectral resonance and destroys 
traits with opposing resonance. Enough exposure to this stuff will 
purify you of sin and embellish your virtues, at least in the eyes of 
Him. This is how the Church was able to control this World. If you 
burn a heretic you create a dozen more, but bathe them in this stuff 


and you get a born-again missionary ready to spread the good 
news. It’s the most perfect mind-controlling agent any totalitarian 
regime could ever ask for.” 


“And why exactly does Darke want this?” Victor asked nervously. 


“He says he found someone willing to sell him some Incarnate 
Flesh, but before he buys it he wants to make sure he has a way to 
purify it,” Iris replied. “He intends to use alchemy to change the 
Akiva wavelength to whatever he needs. The specifics aren’t really 
my concern. It’s dangerous to use this stuff in its pure form so | want 
you two to look around for anything labelled Nutrient solution, a 
healing serum called Blessing, and maybe something called HFT. 
There was no explicit mention in any of the files about what it did. 
Combine that with the fact that there was a shortage of it right before 
the outbreak of Unclean, and | think it either prevents or reduces the 
chances of subjects mutating into the Unclean.” 


As Victor and Lolly began searching through the storage area for the 
desired compounds, Iris dedicated her attention to retrieving the 
Tears out of the tank. There was a large pipe at the top that 
apparently sent the Tears to the tubes upon demand, but there was 
also a small faucet near the bottom, presumably for relieving overfill 
or in case they needed to test a sample. Placing a plastic container 
under the tap, she carefully turned the knob until a slow trickle 
started pouring out. 


The substance was perfectly clear, utterly pure and uncontaminated 
by any foreign materials. It was slightly more viscous than water, yet 
flowed outwards with an odd sort of grace that seemed to ever so 
slightly skirt the laws of gravity and motion. The light was refracted 
through it in such a way as to give it a soft radiance, and even the 
sound of it flowing out from the tap and into the bucket was 
somehow melodious. 


“Wow,” Iris murmured as she stared at it in awe. “It does have a 
strange allure to it. | suddenly do feel unclean, along with a slight 
compulsion to actually bathe in it, like it would be the most purifying 
experience imaginable. That’s a little unsettling actually. If | suddenly 
start stripping off my clothes one of you will stop me, right? 


“Of course,” Victor agreed. 
“Nope, sorry,” Lolly giggled. 


“Thank you, Victor,” Iris said with a smirk and slight shake of her 
head. “It’s interesting that | didn’t feel anything when it was still in the 
tank. | wonder if it’s shielded against Akiva radiation, and if there are 
any shielded containers we could use instead of -” 


She was interrupted by a torturous, blood-curdling wail from behind 
them. All at once they turned to see the Unclean in the cage rising to 
an upright position. Even in its hermetically sealed chamber, it could 
somehow sense that there was now a free-flowing source of His 
Tears nearby. Finally roused from its long malaise, it slammed its fist 
into the diamond wall with unimaginable force. Cracks immediately 
appeared in the wall, and the Unclean slammed it again and again 
and again until it shattered into thousands of shards. 


Lolly jumped straight upwards at a fantastic speed, breaking a hole 
through the ceiling. Iris and Victor stared as the monster crawled 
towards them at a frightening pace, cornered and with no time to 
mount a defence. Fortunately, Lolly had not forgotten them. She 
stretched her arms down, wrapping them around their waists like a 
rope, and yanked them up to the floor above just as the Unclean 
blundered through. 


“Are you okay? Did it touch you? It didn’t touch you, did it?” she 
asked frantically. 


“Get your noodle arm off me!” Iris said, freeing herself and rushing to 
the hole in the floor to see what was happening. 


“We’re fine Lolly, thank you,” Victor said. 


“That thing is drinking all the Tears, which is the whole reason we 
came here!” Iris retorted. 


“That's the whole reason you came here. | came for a hovercraft, 
and | only agreed to that because | thought we’d be safe from the 
Unclean inside,” Lolly said as she retracted her arms back to their 
normal length. “But we’re not safe, so I’m aborting this mission.” 


She reached into her pockets and pulled out her Kaleidoscope keys 
with the intention to turn the next door she saw into a Way back to 
the Circus. 


“It’s just one Unclean, not even a big one,” Iris said as she 
rummaged through her backpack and pulled out a double-barrelled 
dart gun. “This is loaded with an alchemically enhanced formula of 
the serum Lord Blackwood invented to destroy the Unclean. Darke 
made it for me especially for this trip, so | guess you could call them 
Darkwood Tears. Far more potent than the original, plus that thing is 
a shrimp. A few rounds should be enough.” 


“Iris, it’s not worth risking your life to fight that thing! We can find 
another source of Tears,” Victor insisted. 


“Recon here is expensive, time-consuming and dangerous. Taking 
down this Unclean now is preferable to possibly fighting a multitude 
of bigger ones later,” she countered as she loaded the gun. 


“Iris, don’t be stupid! Getting caught by one of those is actually a fate 
worse than death, because we know what happens to us when we 
die!” Lolly said. “I’m going to Oneiroi West permanently and you two 
will just have H’rasm’Kal grab your souls and stick them into new 
bodies, but none of that will happen if that thing gets you!” 


“She’s right; you could end up trapped in a living hell until the sun 
blows up,” Victor agreed. "It’s not worth it!” 


“Now that you bring it up, I’m not actually sure if H’rasm can cleave 
a soul from the Unclean,” Iris mused. “Look, it’s not that bad. If it 
gets me, you just go back and get more Darkwood serum so that 
someone else can take this thing out.” 


Just as she was about to jump down, she gave them a rare ear-to- 
ear smile. 


“But it’s not going to get me.” 


The four-meter drop to the floor below was nothing, and she landed 
on her feet with ease. The Unclean didn’t even react to the sound, 
for it was too busy greedily lapping up His Tears. Iris quietly fell back 


as far as she could to give herself the maximum amount of time for 
additional shots, and then fired a pair of darts into the Unclean’s 
back. 


The being screeched in agony as enormous heaps of molten flesh 
sloughed off its form, briefly resembling the people they once were 
before dissolving completely, finally free of their torment. The 
Unclean turned to look at Iris, who had already reloaded another set 
of darts. She aimed for its head this time but only hit its neck, 
causing most of its left side to dissolve into brown ichor. Using its 
remaining arm, it furiously hauled itself towards Iris. Hurriedly 
reloading her gun once more, she took her last shot as it began to 
throw itself upon her. 


It exploded into a horrific smelling brown goo, most of which rained 
down upon Iris. 


“Huh,” Lolly said as she and Victor looked down through the hole in 
the floor. “Hey Victor, remember when we first met and | said | 
thought your job sounded boring? | take that back.” 


The two of them jumped down and rushed to Iris’s aid, who was 
standing nearly catatonically still. 


“Iris, are you okay?” Victor asked as he handed her a towel he had 
grabbed from a nearby bathing tank. 


“I’m covered in Slenderman guts for the third bloody time!” she 
screamed, but then took several deep breaths to regain her 
composure, dabbing the ichor off her face. 


“Third time? When was the second?” Victor asked. 


“| was at the Ikea once, long story,” she replied. “Scoop some of this 
stuff up, won’t you? It might be worth something.” 


“Sure thing.” 


“That was pretty awesome,” Lolly told her. “Sorry about your clothes 
though. That turtleneck is cashmere, isn’t it?” 


“It’s fine, | have plenty of them,” she said. 


“Remember: if you want to take it off, | won’t stop you.” 
Iris wiped some ichor off her sweater and flicked it at Lolly. 
“Well, you’re not sitting in my hovercraft covered in that stuff!” 


« Undead, Insane and Fully Loaded | Dread & Circuses Hub | 


...And I'm the Star! 


The odd, tiger-colored, water-act-ruining spectacle was helped down 
into a seat at one end of a table in the Ringmaster's Tent. He 
twitched a couple of times, trying to find a position that didn't make it 
painful to sit. He settled on tilting himself to lean heavily on his left 
elbow. He was wincing and covered in bandages (in many multiple 
colors). A muscular man entered and sat down opposite him, looking 
pensively at the sore, sorry sight trying its best to look presentable in 
tattered attire. Eventually, the helpers had backed off from the 
altogether unsightly figure and competed over who had picked the 
most piranha teeth out of the guy.