(30 seconds pass) 


O5-1: Then let's get this over with. 


VOTE IN FAVOR OF O5-2'S PROPOSAL 
FOR SCP-3368 


Support (6): Two, Three, Four, Nine, Ten, 
Twelve 


Oppose (5): One, Six, Eight, Eleven, Thirteen 
Abstain (2): Five, Seven 
MOTION PASSES 


Addendum 3368.35: The Ethics Committee meton — _ 2022, and 
in a landmark vote, approved a series of anti-discrimination rights to 
be applied to SCP-3368-1 personnel. 


Addendum 3368.36: Declassification of SCP-3368 was approved 
by the O5 Councilon _ ___. The Special Containment Procedures 
are to be considered null and void, and the object class is to be 
"Declassified". The majority of the information in the Description is 
considered to be out of date, and it is preferable to consult a local 
library for current information on SCP-3368. This document will 
remain untouched for historical reasons, and due to sensitive 
information pertaining to The Foundation, is not to be released to the 
public without O5 approval. Improper release of this information is to 
be considered grounds for termination. 


Abeedum 3368.B: 


[LEVEL B BEEARANCE BEEQUIRED TO BEE- 
VIEW "%®.log."] 


Footnotes 

1. SCP-3368 Research Team (2016): "The Effects of Flower Pollen 
and Nectar on SCP-3368-1, an Almanac". 

2. The complete document can be found at your nearest HR 


department. 


SCP-3369: A Living Joke 


Item #: SCP-3369 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: Foundation webcrawlers are to 
routinely search comedy-based websites, social media, and other 
potential online vectors for instances of SCP-3369. Such instances 
are to be logged, traced back to their source, and deleted. All 
reports of mass hysteria, upswings of auditory hallucination 
diagnoses, or similar sudden onsets of mental illness in a single 
area are to be investigated for links to SCP-3369. Mobile Task Force 
Phi-7 ("Stand-Up Citizens") are to be mobilized upon confirmation of 
an outbreak, and all carriers of SCP-3369-1 are to be questioned 
and administered Class-A amnestics. 


A single copy of SCP-3369 is to be kept in written format in Storage 
Locker 33B at Site-28. Under no circumstances is SCP-3369 to be 
transcribed into digital format except on an air-gapped computer 
during testing. Between one and five D-Class personnel may be 
kept as continual carriers of SCP-3369-1 for the purposes of testing 
and continued cooperation from SCP-3369-1. D-Class carriers are 
to be administered Class-C amnestics prior to any scheduled 
termination. Non-D-Class are to be infected with SCP-3369-1 only 
for interviewing purposes and are to be administered Class-A 
amnestics upon interview conclusion. 


Personnel found attempting unauthorized spread of SCP-3369 and 
SCP-3369-1 are to be disciplined, amnesticized, and - when 
applicable - transferred away from Site-28. 


Description: SCP-3369 is a memetic agent in the form of a 
humorous anecdote that, when understood by an individual, 
implants a distinct consciousness into the individual's mind. This 
effect is triggered regardless of the medium and is present in both 
live and recorded versions of the anecdote. Testing has shown that 


the wording of the anecdote is not required to be exact. Translations 
of SCP-3369 into languages other than English have been shown to 
have the same effect, and alteration of up to 60% of the anecdote's 
wording still causes infection as long as the central theme of the 
anecdote remains intact. 


SCP-3369-1 is the sapient consciousness that is generated by 
SCP-3369's memetic effect. Multiple instances of the consciousness 
are able to exist concurrently, and its awareness is shared amongst 
these instances. It is capable of speaking to any infected individual 
(referred to as a "carrier"), hearing the carrier's surface thoughts, 
and perceiving the outside world via the carrier's senses. 
SCP-3369-1 is able to listen to and share the senses of a currently 
unknown number of carriers concurrently, but it can only speak to a 
single carrier at any given time. All individuals infected with 
SCP-3369-1 have uniformly described it as a male voice speaking 
English with a New York accent. 


SCP-3369 and SCP-3369-1 were discovered after the Foundation 
investigated multiple similar reports of auditory hallucinations in the 
Brooklyn borough of New York City. The anomalous nature of the 
anecdote and implanted consciousness were confirmed during an 
interview with a Mrs. Eloise Patinkin on 2017-09-17. 


+ Interview 3369/01 
Interviewee: Eloise Patinkin 
Interviewer: Agent Theodore Johnson 
<Begin Log> 


Agent Johnson: Good evening, Mrs. Patinkin. 
I'm Agent Johnson with the CDC. Would it be 
alright if | asked you a few questions? 


Mrs. Patinkin: I'm not in any trouble, am |? 


Agent Johnson: No, not at this time. We've 
had reports of a possible terror attack involving 
the use of a new type of aerosol-based drug, 


and we're just checking in with people in the 
area who have been recently admitted for 
sudden onset of hallucinations. 


Mrs. Patinkin: Oh! Is that what happened? Oh 
God, it's not poisonous, is it? 


Agent Johnson: We have no reason to 
believe so, but we do need to learn as much 
as we can about it. You think you may have 
been exposed? 


Mrs. Patinkin: Yes, it- 


[Mrs. Patinkin pauses and glances over her 
shoulder with mild annoyance. ] 


Mrs. Patinkin: Sorry, yes, I've been hearing a 
voice in my head for the past few days, and it's 
just started getting louder. 


Agent Johnson: Under what circumstances 
did you first start hearing this voice? 


Mrs. Patinkin: Ever since | went to see that 
comedian the other day. Uh, what's-his-name 
over at that new place, the Comedy Curb. | 
tried to get Joe to go with me, but he just 
wouldn't, stubborn man. | guess it's better he 
didn't though, huh? 


Agent Johnson: | suppose so. Do you 
remember anything unusual happening at the 
show before you started hearing the voice? 


Mrs. Patinkin: Not really, sorry. The guy, 
Andy, that's his name, he was telling a joke 
that, um ... | think it went [MEMETIC HAZARD 
REDACTED] Anyway, then he started talking 
about llamas or something. | wasn't really 
paying any attention at that point since- 


Agent Johnson: Jesus! 
Mrs. Patinkin: What? Is something wrong? 


Agent Johnson: Ma'am, is your husband at 
home? 


Mrs. Patinkin: Joe? No, he's at work right 
now. Why? 


Agent Johnson: | just heard someone say my 
name, like it was right behind my ear. 


Mrs. Patinkin: Oh ... oh boy. 
<End Log> 
+ Interview 3369-1/01 
Interviewee: SCP-3369-1 
Interviewer: Agent Theodore Johnson 


Foreword: Interview took place during Agent 
Johnson's quarantine after the infection event 
that occurred during Mrs. Eloise Patinkin's 
questioning. Agent Johnson transcribed the 
interview as it was conducted. 


<Begin Log> 

Agent Johnson: Hello? Can you hear me? 
SCP-3369-1: | think ya mean, ‘Hello, hello, is 
this thing on?' Ha ha, just messing with ya, 


agent! | can hear ya loud and clear. 


Agent Johnson: Good. I'm going to be asking 
you a few things. 


SCP-3369-1: Fire away, chief. Better than the 
silent treatment you've been giving me so far! 


SCP-435: “He-Who-Made-Dark” 


Item #: SCP-435 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-435-1 is to be kept ina 
secure warehousing facility that constantly provides SCP-435-1 a 
minimum of 1000 lux illumination. Illumination must be provided by 
redundant lamps operating from at least three parallel and 
independent power supplies providing generator and battery 
backups. Tests for integrity of the lighting system shall be conducted 
on a daily basis. In addition, two mobile units capable of transporting 
SCP-435-1 shall remain on standby in the event of Contingency 
435-XK-Alpha. No other special protective procedures are required 
to examine or test SCP-435-1, but research may only be conducted 
on SCP-435-1 with written O5 approval. 


At ground level, a secure perimeter is to be kept for 50 km around 
SCP-435-2. A no-fly zone of 125 km is to be maintained in the 
airspace surrounding SCP-435-2. At least two Foundation aircraft 
and one mobile ground station are to monitor the size and position 
of SCP-435-2 at all times. Should monitoring detect any growth of 
SCP-435-2, or any motion of SCP-435-2 relative to SCP-435-1 fora 
period in excess of 90 seconds, observation teams are to initiate 
Contingency 435-XK-Alpha. No personnel are to approach within 
100 meters of SCP-435-2, and Foundation security teams are 
authorized to take any action to prevent such contact. No research 
or testing is authorized on SCP-435-2 without explicit O5 direction. 


Description: SCP-435-1 is a type III iron meteorite weighing 
approximately , kg, showing significant weathering. 
Spectroscopic and chemical analysis shows a composition over 
99% iron, which at normal densities can only account for % of the 
measured weight. Age is indeterminate, but analysis of weathering 
suggests it has been exposed to atmosphere for atleast , years. 


Agent Johnson: | suppose we should go 
ahead and get the most obvious question out 
of the way. Who are you? 


SCP-3369-1: What, like a name? You and the 
eggheads keep calling me 'SCP-3369-1', and | 
guess that's as good a name as any. It ain't no 
Louie or Franco or whatever, but forget about 

it! 


Agent Johnson: A little more broad then. 
What are you? 


SCP-3369-1: Is that a joke, agent? Ha! Get it? 
‘Is that a joke’? 'Cause, y'know, I'm a joke! 
Specifically, yeah, I'm that joke, the one you 
keep trying not to think about. 


Agent Johnson: You can read my mind? 


SCP-3369-1: Hey, whoa, no need to get your 
knickers in a bunch, guy. Just little stuff. And 
even less from you than most people, let me 
tell ya. Mrs. Patinkin? Her inner monologue 
was going a mile a minute all the time, forget 
about it! 


Agent Johnson: Okay, so you're a joke that's 
turned into a voice in my head. How does that 
work? 


SCP-3369-1: Hell if | know, agent. | just work 
here! 


Agent Johnson: Fine. So how do | get rid of 
you? 


SCP-3369-1: Aw, now that's just hurtful. 
<End Log> 


Following Interview 3369-1/01, it was found that the application of 


amnestics targeting a carrier's memory of SCP-3369 subsequently 
removes SCP-3369-1 from their consciousness. This does not 
remove memory of SCP-3369-1 itself, which requires either a 
secondary or broader primary application. Agent Johnson was given 
a Class-A amnestic and returned to active duty. 


Based on the testimony given by Mrs. Patinkin and other carriers, 
Andre Beneventi, a stand-up comedian that operates under the 
stage name of Andy Goodtimes, was located and interviewed on 
2017-09-22. 


+ Interview 3369/11 
Interviewee: Andre Beneventi 
Interviewer: Agent Theodore Johnson 
<Begin Log> 


Agent Johnson: Thank you for taking the time 
to speak with me, Mr. Beneventi. 


Mr. Beneventi: Sure, no problem, detective. 
Always got time for our boys in blue. What's 
this all about? 


Agent Johnson: | wanted to talk to you about 
your last performance at the Comedy Curb. 


Mr. Beneventi: Ah, crap. | kinda thought it 
might be that. Look, | don't know what the hell 
happened there, sorry. All | Know is, | was in 
the middle of my act, everything was going 
great, and all of a sudden, people just started 
to get all quiet. Like, they'd stop laughing, and 
a bunch of 'em started getting up and walking 
out after a while. Ah, Bobby, the manager, 
right? He said that there musta been 
something screwy with the sound system or 
something, 'cause some of the people leaving 
complained that they kept hearing somebody 


talk over me. Even had a few ask for their 
money back. Weird as hell, lemme tell ya, and 
a bit of a blow to the ol’ pocketbook, y'know? 
What's worse, I've had a couple of people 
threaten to sue me over some kinda hearing 
problems they've been having, but | swear, | 
don't know anything about it! 


Agent Johnson: We're not accusing you of 
anything. We just want to find out what 
happened. Now, at what point in your show did 
the trouble start? 


Mr. Beneventi: Jeez, | dunno, it's hard to say. 
When you're on stage, you just kinda get into 
it, yeah? But | think ... it mighta been right 
around the time | started tellin’ the story about 
the llamas. Or maybe the part about 
[POTENTIAL MEMETIC HAZARD 
REDACTED] 


Agent Johnson: Stop! | mean, thank you! 
Thank you, that's enough. Mr. Beneventi, 
where did you come up with that particular 
joke? 


Mr. Beneventi: You mean the one about the- 
yeah, yeah, okay, uh, the one that ain't about 
the llamas, right? | gotta tell ya, detective, | 
don't really know where a lotta my material 
comes from. | know, it's the same ol’ cop-out 
bullshit answer you hear from any artistic type, 
but it's really true. Sometimes | just wake up in 
the middle of the night and write something 
down, then in the morning | try to turn it into 
something that'll make ya laugh. This one, 
though ... yeah, okay, this one was kinda 
weird. 


Agent Johnson: 'Weird' how? 


Mr. Beneventi: Well, see, most of the time | 
might write down two or three words. 'Waiting 
for coffee’ or jogging sucks ass' or whatever. 
But more clever than that, | mean, y'know. 
Anyway, yeah, this one? It was like ... | dunno, 
like | had this little voice whispering in the back 
of my head, and bammo, | wrote down the 
whole damn thing just like it is in my show, 
then | went right back to sleep. 


Agent Johnson: Hmm. That is weird. Have 
you heard that little voice since then? 


Mr. Beneventi: Nah. And between you and 
me, detective? If this is the sorta crap that's 
gonna happen when | do, | think that's 
probably all for the best. 


<End Log> 


Following the interview, Mr. Beneventi's written copy of SCP-3369 
was confiscated. He was then given amnestics and re-exposed to 
SCP-3369, but testing did not reveal infection by an instance of 
SCP-3369-1. The reason for this immunity is not known at this time. 
Mr. Beneventi was administered amnestics again and released. He 
has been designated Person of Interest 3369-01 and put under 
indefinite observation. 


+ Interview 3369-1/04 
Interviewee: SCP-3369-1 


Interviewer: Dr. Porter Mills, Senior 
Researcher 


Foreword: The first interview conducted with 
SCP-3369-1 implanted into the consciousness 
of a Foundation researcher. Approval for this 
procedure was given after testing concluded 
that SCP-3369-1 is unable to break through 
standard mental fortification training and 


therefore unable to directly access any 
knowledge regarding the Foundation. 


<Begin Log> 


Dr. Mills: Hello, SCP-3369-1. My name is Dr. 
Mills. How are you feeling today? 


SCP-3369-1: I'm doing just swell, doc! My 
name is SCP-3369-1, and I'll be your joke for 
the evening. Can | get ya anything? 


Dr. Mills: Actually, | was hoping to ask you a 
few questions. 


SCP-3369-1: Ooooh, is this like some kinda 
medical exam? Height, weight, favorite pizza 
toppings? 


Dr. Mills: Something like that. The 
organization | work for would like to learn more 
about you. 


SCP-3369-1: Yeah? Well your ‘organization’ 
has got a funny way of showing it, doc! You 
know they keep knocking parts of me out? 


Dr. Mills: Ah, yes, sorry about that, but until 
we do learn more, I'm afraid we need to keep 
you under quarantine. Not everyone has been 
reacting very well to your presence. 


SCP-3369-1: Yeah, okay, | get that. Had this 
one guy that just wouldn't quit screaming when 
| tried talking to him. Didn't make for great 
conversation, lemme tell ya. 


Dr. Mills: | can imagine. But it is for that 
reason that we have to ask for your 
cooperation for the time being. 


SCP-3369-1: Ugh, jeez, ask the world, why