Special Containment Procedures: No containment procedures are 
necessary, as SCP-010-d is not a threat and nothing to worry about. 
SCP-010-J is to be peacefully observed from Area-399, which has 
been designated a no-panicking zone under penalty of termination. 


Hell, we don't even know what it is, nor do we need to, but we know 
for certain that it isn't going to hurt anyone, and talking about itis a 
total waste of time! Oh, well, | guess you'll have to look at some 
other article that isn't this one. Now. 


Description: SCP-010-J is an unimportant entity that is not going to 
turn anyone's iteration of reality into a lifeless blob of primordial 
sludge. It is not cognitohazardous, not infohazardous, non-toxic, and 
does not even technically exist. 


Contrary to dangerous and libelous rumors, SCP-010-J is not made 
of black holes, as that would mean we'd already be dead, right? 
Right?! | didn't think so. You can stop worrying about it being made 
of black holes. / said stop! 


Addendum: A request has been sent to O5 command to quell any 
fears people have about SCP-010-J and the giant [DATA 
EXPUNGED] that it may or may not have in its tendrils, as it's not 
going to hurt you and frankly it wishes we would all leave it alone. 


Unfortunately, O5 command has responded by beginning summary 
terminations of all staff at Area-399 for entirely unrelated reasons. 
Maybe they just like shooting people! Well, they won't shoot you, so 
you have nothing to worry about, so go ahead and have a nice, safe 
day like the rest of us! 


SCP-1622-J: No Object Class Whatsoever 


Item #: SCP-1622 


Object Class: Malkuth (Simple/Low) Gevurah (Dangerous/High) 
Pending 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1622 is to be contained in 
a standard biological containment unit located in Site-77. 
Personnel observing SCP-1622 are to note its rate of consumption 
and any other notable or unusual behavior. 


Description: SCP-1622 is a specimen of Citrus x sinensis (sweet 
orange), originating from Lakeland, FL. It is a navel orange, with a 
small protrusion at one of its ends. SCP-1622 appears to 
continuously consume its own body through its non-navel apex, 
while the other end produces new matter. It will consume itself in 
small, irregular amounts, and not in a continuous motion. 


Addendum-01: File 1622-01 — Staff Comments 


Malkuth? What is a Malkuth? That isn't an object class 
used by the Foundation. This is clearly a Safe class 
object, so | recommend you either use that or remove 
this unfinished document before the filing system 
implodes. Drop the (Simple/Low) bit, too. | don't even 
know what that's supposed to mean. You've clearly put 
minimal amount of work into this document, and | expect 
more from this team. — Director Gillespie 


"Malkuth" is shorthand indicating a Simple/Low class 
object. "Simple" refers to the containment difficulty. "Low 
refers to the threat level. The document is complete as- 
is. —Researcher Milton 


" 


Again, that's not an object classification system being 
used by the Foundation. What exactly do you hope to 


accomplish by adding an incomplete and 
incomprehensible document to our database? — 
Director Gillespie 


| have submitted a report on the possible use of an 
alternate object class system to the desk of my head 
researcher. After receiving no response, | have 
resubmitted this report with minimal changes. | have 
done so on six occasions, from 1999-1-8 to 1999-8-9. | 
have interpreted the continued non-involvement as 
implicit permission to begin implementing this system. — 
Researcher Milton 


For the record, the reason | failed to respond to his 
requests was that | didn't feel it was worth responding to. 
It's not really something you would take seriously, 
because this thing is ridiculous. Malkuth is a made-up 
word, and the extra bits at the end aren't 
comprehensible. 


If you check your records, | had recommended that he 
be psychologically evaluated after the third submission, a 
request which | do not believe was followed up on, as of 
this date. — Researcher Hutchins 


This documentation is much clearer than our current 
system, and | already have prepared briefings for the 
research team. We should be able to bring everyone up 
to date in a few days. — Researcher Milton 


Addendum-02: Incident 1622-A 


On / /2_ , Researcher Franklin accidentally introduced foreign 
matter to SCP-1622's cavity in the form of a wooden pencil, resulting 
in the mass being added to SCP-1622's repeated cycle, which 
warrants additional containment procedures and amendments to the 
SCP-1622 containment doctrine. This request is submitted for 
approval. 


File 1622-05 — Staff Comments 


This would never have happened if you hadn't been 
keeping this document up in the air, Milton. You need to 
remove it immediately from our system, or you are being 
removed from this project. As it is, we have a lot to add 
to containment because of this. — Researcher Hutchins 


Staff hadn't been given the updates yet. I've distributed 
them to everybody, we should be fine now. — 
Researcher Milton 


That's not an acceptable response, this needs to be 
removed and updated immediately. You'd made that 
before we had this incident, does it deal with new 
containment? You're just pushing your own screwed-up 
and incredibly terse document for... what? What do you 
actually hope to accomplish here, besides being 
removed from this position? — Researcher Hutchins 


Addendum-03: Incident 1622-B 


Due to the lack of additional funding or clearance to amend the 
containment doctrine, several researchers attempted to forcefully 
extract the foreign matter from SCP-1622. This caused injuries to 
two of the researchers, with one set of injuries being serious enough 
to warrant medical leave, and minor damage to the containment 
area. Disciplinary action is currently under consideration. 


File 1622-09 — Staff Comments 


You see? It wasn't enough, and now there's more 
damage to the containment area! What's going to be 
enough to prove that your little containment pipe dream 
needs to be kept in your head and out of the computers? 
— Researcher Hutchins 


The reason there was an incident was because the team 
was using the old containment protocols you distributed 
on the new system. I'm confident that in time, we will be 
able to bring everyone to the same page. — Researcher 
Milton 


SCP-540 was discovered in an abandoned munitions depot near 

, Ukraine on / /1999 following investigation of reports of an 
unusual amount of non-native plant life appearing in the surrounding 
areas within a short period of time. At time of discovery, the depot 
had suffered significant looting, with only one portion of the armory 
undisturbed. Initial testing of munitions recovered from the depot 
indicate that only approximately 30% of munitions were actually 
instances of SCP-540. However, instances of SCP-540 are 
indistinguishable from non-anomalous ordnance, and were randomly 
dispersed among the non-anomalous munitions found in the 
originating depot. As such, all munitions recovered have been 
designated SCP-540 as a precaution. Instances in containment 
range from hand grenades to a single nuclear device resembling a 
modified version of the Tsar Bomba, with an estimated minimum 
yield of 75 megatons. Based on current analysis, it is predicted that 
should this nuclear device possess anomalous properties, its 
detonation would result in a GK-class hostile-greenhouse scenario 
over a minimum of one third of habitable land worldwide. 


Attempts to disassemble low-yield instances of SCP-540 for analysis 
have resulted in premature detonation and resultant plant growth in 
approximately 50% of all such attempts. Instances that were 
successfully disassembled, then reassembled and detonated, did 
not display any anomalous properties. 


Ordnance Tested Resuiting Plant Lite 
RGO hand grenade 3.1 m? of dandelions (Taraxacum 
Officinale) in full bloom 
PFM-1 land mine (buried) 12.8 m? of sawtooth sedge 


(Cladium mariscus) averaging 
2.2m in height 

9K115-2 Metis-M anti-tank missilesingle black oak tree (Quercus 
kelloggii), height 17 m, diameter 
0.96 m 

OTR-23 Oka 9M714K tactical forest of Douglas fir (Pseudotsuga 

ballistic missile (detonated withcutmenziesi/), covering 19.3 ha 

launch) (193000 m?) 

Footnotes 

1. All testing to date has resulted in plant life covering a minimum of 


Addendum-04: Incident 1622-C 


On / /2_ , Researcher Hutchins attempted to forcefully enter the 
SCP-1622 research area, and was subdued by security personnel. 
Proper forms for disciplinary action have been forwarded to the 
director by project lead Researcher Milton. It is believed that 
Hutchins was attempting to alter the containment doctrines 
regarding SCP-1622, which Researcher Milton had already 
explained to be sufficient. 


File 1622-13 — Staff Comments 


What is this? | thought you took care of this, Hutchins. 
Why has nobody been using the normal protocols for 
discipline? This would've been solved ages ago, if you'd 
just come to me instead of getting in a pissing contest. 
Christ, both of you, you're better than this, this is beneath 
you. | need this to be immediately resolved, before 
anything else happens. — Director Gillespie 


I'm sorry Director, but the situation is now under control. 
Everyone on staff has been given updates to the 
containment protocols, so there should be no more 
problems. Again, my apologies, this will not happen 
again. — Researcher Milton 


Addendum-05: Incident 1622-E 


On / /2. , when the research team enacted a second attempt to 
remove the foreign matter from SCP-1622 resulted in SCP-1622 
manifesting additional anomalous effects. It began to add large 
portions of the containment area and research staff to its cycle, and 
directly causing the breaching of separately contained E-Class 
objects and 4 SCP objects. Security teams were able to contain the 
event, but SCP-1622 requires massive update to containment. 
Upgrade to Keter Gevurah(Dangerous/High) is currently pending. 


File 1622-22 Staff Comment 


Apparently not all my staff had received the necessary 
documentation. This will be rectified as soon as | update 


things. — Researcher Milton 
Addendum-06: File 1622-31 — Status Report 


Researchers Milton and Hutchins have been placed on indefinite 
leave, pending severe disciplinary action. Committees have been 
formed to study the issues these incidents present to the current 
structure of Site-77's chain of command, research database, 
containment areas, and the psychological status of prominent 
researchers. Containment doctrines of SCP-1622 have been slated 
for complete revision. 


SCP-TTKU-J (which is a thing that kills you): A Thing 
That Kills You 


Item #: SCP-TTKU-J 
Object Class: Keter, because it can and will kill you 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-TTKU-d is contained in a 
reinforced standard containment cell at Area-0000 - far away from 
you, whom it wants to kill. Due to the fact that SCP-TTKU-d is a very 
dangerous thing that desires to and has the means to kill you, SCP- 
TTKU-J is to not be handled by you specifically. This containment 
method would render you effectively immortal as far as SCP-TTKU- 
J's killing-you objective is concerned. 


Description: SCP-TTKU-d is a thing that kills you. Though murder 
is an illegal action in every national jurisdiction on Earth, condemned 
in most religious scriptures, and generally looked down upon, SCP- 
TTKU-J as an entity has no regard for any rule against killing you 
and has the means to do so in multiple ways - including, but not 
limited to: 


¢ Use of a weapon to kill you, 

¢ Use of a torture device to torture you, then kill you, 

¢ Use of its own bare [REDACTED]s to kill you, 

¢ Enlisting the aid of different thing that kills you as a means to 
kill you, 

Killing you until your life functions cease, then continuing to kill 
you, 

* Giving you a hug use of anomalous means to kill you, and 

¢« [DATA EXPUNGED] you. 


In the event of a total containment breach of SCP-TTKU-J, the 
inevitable result would be a URK-class you-are-about-to-be-killed 
event, followed by a UHK-class you-have-been-killed scenario. As 
you are, presumably, a thing that should not be killed, the latter 
scenario is to be avoided at all costs. 


Addendum 1 - Interview with SCP-TTKU-J, 2/23/15: 


Dr. Henderson: Good morning, SCP-TTKU-d, | hope 
you're doing well. 


SCP-TTKU-J: Eh, could be better. Right now, all | can 
think about is how much | want to kill you in many 
different ways. 


Dr. Henderson: You know we can't allow you to do that. 


SCP-TTKU-J: | figured as much. Still, it would be very 
nice if you'd let me stick a shiv into your ribcage right this 
very minute, until your heart stops. 


Dr. Henderson: Believe me, I've felt the same way many 
times. 


SCP-TTKU-J: About yourself? 
Dr. Henderson: Not quite. 


SCP-TTKU-J: Man, | could go for some good ol'- 
fashioned you-murder right about now. 


Dr. Henderson: Isn't there anything else you think 
about? 


(Brief pause) 
SCP-TTKU-J: | want to take up knitting. 
Dr. Henderson: That's harmless enough. 


SCP-TTKU-J: Because | could lure you into a false 
sense of security, then, when you least expect it, BAM! 
One knitting needle in each eye, as | tear out your heart 
with my teeth! 


Dr. Henderson: This conversation is going nowhere. 


SCP-TTKU-J: Obviously not! We haven't murdered you 


yet! 


Dr. Henderson: If you hypothetically could kill me, what 
do you intend to do afterwards? 


SCP-TTKU-J: Hmm... | kinda want to start a grindcore 
outfit. 


Dr. Henderson: What would it be called? 
SCP-TTKU-J: "Pile of Dead You." 


Dr. Henderson: ...we're done here. 


SCP-027-J: Schrodinger's Remote 


The following document contains 
conflicting versions. Version A is 
highlighted in this text color. 
Version B is highlighted in this text 
color. Pending additions are 
highlighted in this text color. 


SCP-027-J? 


Item #: SCP-027-J 
Object Class: Safe Euclid Safe Euclid Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-027-J is to be contained 
on the couch in the proper holder that | spent like thirty goddamned 
dollars on, designated SCP-027-J-1. (SCP-027-J-1 is a cheap piece 
of plastic you paid too much money on, and shall be designated 
SCP-027-J-$). at the Benson household,even though it's probably 
on fucking Jupiter half the time. until further notice. 


When SCP-027-J switches phase, Researcher Benson is to be 
consulted as to where the hell she left it Researcher Benson is to 
calm the hell down, it's just a remote. SCP-027-J is to be placed in 
the proper receptacle. (1 swear to god, Phil, don't say a goddamned 
word). 


Description: SCP-027-J is a Roku Cable Box Roku Cable Box 
Television Remote Control, which appears to have two quantum 
states: 


¢ An R-2787 Roku Remote control (Designated SCP-027-J-A) 
for a [REDACTED] model television which was so goddamned 
expensive which was on sale, and you agreed on, 
manufactured in 2015. 

* A FIOS-27 Cable Box remote (Designated SCP-027-J-B) 
which is goddamned useless, because we have netflix, hulu, 
and amazon prime which is necessary because ADULTS 
HAVE CABLE. 


At no time can SCP-027-J exist in both states, because Researcher 
Benson can't keep track of the goddamned remotes when she's 
watching her "programs" due to its anomalous effect of making 
Researcher Benson a dickhead due to its anomalous effect. 


SCP-027-J was first discovered when after installing the new Roku 
TV in the living room, when Researcher Benson immediately lost the 
Roku remote the Roku remote went missing. After two weeks, the 
Roku remote was discovered, and the cable box remote promptly 
dissapeared Researcher Benson lost my remote, to stop me from 
watching dance moms SCP-027-J changed quantum states, leading 
to the discovery of the nature of SCP-027-J.