Addendum: Blind Testing of SCP- "Sal's Miracle Ointment" on a 
common household plunger. 


Begin Log 


Researcher Sanders: | mean... just look at it, man. 
You're right, it does look like a regular one but have you 
seen one that's... how do | even explain this to you... 
one that's... | mean, like you know how you can hate 
someone before you know them and you don't know 
why? Well, | mean it's like the opposite, | just love this 
thing so much, probably because it's so... it's probably 
awesome... fuck it, man, | just know it's probably the 
best plunger. Bet it unclogs better than anything. | want 
that plunger so bad. 


Dr. Mayreder: | can't say I've see one better. | mean 
there are plungers made with better materials and 
standards, but... you know what it is? You know how you 
can like an old bike just because it runs in a particular 
way, and for some reason it just feels so much faster? | 
mean | think it's just the SCP- but, | mean | can 
understand why this thing is so great now, | can even 
write it down and prove it, that old plunger is actually way 
better than any new ones made, | can bet on it. 


Agent Breen: Observing from security cameras. |'m 
gonna have to tell you guys that's just an ordinary 
plunger. 


Researcher Sanders: Yeah, you're probably saying that 
because you want it. 


Dr. Mayreder: We should catalogue that effect. "Causes 
observers to develop a compulsion to covet the object". 


Researcher Sanders: You should work on your tone but 
| agree with you there. Breen's probably waiting on one 
of us to leave the room so he can take it. 


Agent Breen: No, really, gentlepeople, the perception is 
just an effect of SCP- 


Researcher Sanders can be seen looking to Dr. 
Mayreder and then at the plunger before the security 
cameras go out. 


Final audio from testing chamber recorded. 
Dr. Mayreder: We have to do something about Breen. 


Researcher Sanders: Sure thing boss. Just don't try 
anything funny. 


Audio ends. 


Researcher Sanders, plunger in hand, stole out of the testing 
chamber like a mouse, Dr. Mayreder following closely behind in a 
hurried skitter. They knew that Breen would be a problem soon if 
they didn't do something about him, so they rushed to the adjacent 
door that led into the observation room. "Wait for my signal." Dr. 
Mayreder told Sanders as he punched a few numbers into the 
keypad. Sanders stood with her back to the wall, the plunger 
clasped like a baby in her arms. She nodded furtively, a look of 
determination on her face. 


Dr. Mayreder can be seen walking into the viewing 
chamber. Agent Breen is working with the AV equipment. 


Dr. Mayreder: Hello. 


Agent Breen: You're gonna want to hand over the 
plunger, Doc. 


Dr. Mayreder: | don't have it. Sanders ran off with it 
while | wasn't looking, probably going to put it back in the 
locker. 


Agent Breen: I'm going to flip the alarm. That's a 
security breach. 


Dr. Mayreder: It's just a plunger, there's no need for 
that. Sanders will come around eventually. There's 
nothing to be worried about. 


Agent Breen can be seen walking toward the alarm 
panel. 


Agent Breen: Protocol is protocol, Doc. 
Dr. Mayreder coughs loudly. 


The door to the viewing chamber is tackled open. 
Researcher Sanders enters the room with the plunger 
and attempts to jab Agent Breen in the eye with the blunt 
end. The plunger connects with the agent's forehead and 
Agent Breen is knocked back against the wall. He 
collapses and appears to be knocked unconscious. 


Researcher Sanders: | knew this thing was great. | 
knew it knew it knew it. 


Dr. Mayreder: That was impressive. 


Dr. Mayreder grabbed Breen by both feet and dragged him out of 
the chamber and into a janitorial closet. After he was finished 
positioning Breen in such a way that would suggest that he was 
sleeping, he looked to Sanders to give her further direction. She 
appeared to be hyperventilating from the excitement. 


The plunger now shown like divine light in Dr. Mayreder's eyes, 


and... Sanders looked, slightly different, he couldn't quite place it. 
The usually plain and subservient Sanders now just seemed so... 
exquisite. Where had he seen this image before? This must be what 
good souls first see after they die thought Mayreder. His eyes 
became slightly wet. 


"Sanders..." 


"What should we do now? We're in trouble, | know it. There are 
security cameras everywhere, there's no way we're gonna get out of 
this without consequences! How are we going to keep the plunger 
sa-" Sanders said, tapering off in a high-pitched shrill. Mayreder put 
his hand to Sanders' mouth. 


"_.. follow me." he said to Sanders and the cherubim. 


Excerpt from Audio Log of Security Team Sigma-6 0139: Three 
members of security team Sigma-6 were immediately dispatched to 
the testing wing equipped with tranquilizers after the security 
cameras in the testing cell failed. Beginning of Audio Recording 


00:03 Found one of the perps in a janitors closet. I'd say 
he dozed off but there's some bruising on his head. 


00:34 The wing seems clear, can't see anyone. Checked 
all exits save for one. Moving to intercept now. 


00:59 Some blood on the floor leading toward the 
partition between levels 5b and 5a, floor looks fine 
otherwise. 


01:20 We can make out two individuals on the elevator 
leading up toward level 5a. Sending members of Delta to 
intercept its arrival. Shouldn't be any more than a 10 
second delay between the time the door opens and the 
time Delta gets there. 


01:24 We're gonna hold our position on this floor... for as 
long as need be. 


01:30 The air smells fantastic. 


Audio ends. 


"| forgive you! Who wouldn't be nervous holding such a relic? | 
promise | mean no harm, really! | just want to help out!" Dr. 
Mayreder spat, leaning back on the elevator and wiping blood from 
his nose. Sanders had punched him square in the face when he was 
ushering her into the elevator. 


"You just fucking do what | say you do, that's how this is going to 
work. That's how we're getting out. Keep your hands down, you... 
filthy snake bastard!" said Sanders, wide eyed, with a voice raised in 
a vitriolic whisper. She had a noticeable twitch now, checking her 
fingernails as she was talking, holding the plunger like it were a royal 
scepter. 


"Of course! Anything you want! Anything!" You... divine creature. 
A warbled alarm sounded through the doors as they cracked open. 


"Follow me, but keep your distance." said Sanders, brushing Dr. 
Mayreder out of the way on exit. "Watch it, watch it." whispered 
Sanders to him, pointing the blunt end of the plunger at him while 
doing so. 


Mayreder nearly wet himself when the scepter was pointed in his 
direction. 


Object Class: Keter 


Description: SCP- is a white salve contained within a 
glass jar, which reads "Uncle Sal's Miracle Ointment". 
When SCP- _ is applied to an object, any one individual 
observing said object will develop a gradual 
‘appreciation’. This 'appreciation’' seems to begin with 
casual observations of said objects worth, usually 
followed by praise of the object, coveting of the object, 
worship of the object, and in certain instances the self- 
termination of the viewer. Reasoning for this action is 
often "I'm not worthy", "Who am | to look at that [object]", 
and "I don't deserve to exist in the same reality as 
[object]". 


"There should be an evacuation chute down this hall, it'll take a 
retinal scan, fingerprint, my keycard, my security pin, a short 
dossier, and a security password so it's going to take some time." 
Mayreder's words worked their way out in a breathless volley as the 
two sprinted down the sterile, white corridor. The alarm continued 
it's loud, looping warble and the two could hear footsteps pattering 
down the hallway behind them. 


"That's security!" said Dr. Mayreder. 


"Security!" One of the members of Delta squad barked from around 
the corner of the hallway. "Stop right now!." 


"It's mine!" screamed Sanders. "Mine!" 


Black darts from the security team's guns flew by their heads as 
they rounded the corner. The chase continued on for almost a full 
minute before the two reached the chute. 


"Do it! Do it!" Sanders said in the psychotic whispers, jabbing Dr. 
Mayreder in the back with the plunger. 


"Careful where you point that thing!" 


Mayreder finished the gauntlet of authentication protocols at the 
terminal in the space of a minute. The final protocol was a retinal 
scan. He had to fight himself to keep still, all the excitement was 
causing him to shake and he could hear Delta getting closer. Fora 
few moments he heard nothing, and the sharp, wonderful jab of the 
plunger was wrested from his back. He pulled back from the device 
and the chute flung open, waiting for the two of them to jump in. 


"Sanders! G-" he was interrupted by a steel baton to the face before 
he could finish. 


Before everything went black he could see dancing plungers circling 
a scantily clad Sanders, who was being serenaded by golden 
trumpets. 


Transcript 1A from containment cell 2305 


Dr. Mayreder appears to regain consciousness. 


Agent Breen: You son of a bitch look what you did! 


Dr. Mayreder: What... where am |? Where is Sanders 
and the w-w-wonderful!? 


Agent Breen: The fuck are you talking about? 


Dr. Mayreder: We were about to escape and, |, well | 
guess we were apprehended! Where did they take her? 


Agent Breen: How the fuck should | know you dumb 
fuck? If | wasn't tied down I'd give you the most severe 
ass-kicking you're moth- 


Dr. Mayreder: Shut up! Where are we? This is a holding 
cell isn't it?! 


Agent Breen: Wouldn't you fucking know that? 


Dr. Mayreder: Well... we... | need to find out where 
Sanders is. 


Agent Breen: Well you're shit out of luck there. We're 
about to get gassed. Thanks a lot you dumb fuck. 


Dr. Mayreder: What!? No! Sanders help me! 


Sanders woke up surrounded by an assortment of fruits, soft drinks, 
cheeses, and junk food that were retrieved from vending machines 
in the cafeteria. She was resting on a makeshift bed - 8 tables which 
were pulled together and littered with cushions from the couches. 
When she opened her eyes she found at least thirty half-naked site 
personnel looking back at her. 


"The fucking fuck is this!" Sanders screeched, jumping to her feet 
and kicking the assorted alms off of the table. She immediately 
charged toward the group of people standing around one of the 
makeshift bed-throne’s edges. It seemed she was still holding the 
plunger, as she was now beating a few researchers on the head 
with it. 


One unlucky man was victim of a facial plunging by Sanders. Up 


Datum B first diverged from its original value 
after 24 iterations, with the range of deviation 
extending with successive iterations. (Here the 
experiment was paused briefly; it is 
recommended for future researchers that they 
ensure none of their colleagues have an 
emotional investment in the match.) 


At 76 iterations, the first unpredicted event 
occurred; this iteration of the card featured a 
lengthy note in addition to the data presented, 
and an alternative definition of Datum B (the 
score of a women's basketball game). 
Researcher Taylor had previously suggested 
this for Datum B, but had been overruled by Dr 
Jung (see above note on emotional 
investment). The iteration of D-970-296 
present at the time did not wish to comment 
further on the incident, as he had been 
similarly interrogated for 10 successive 
iterations until a previous Dr Jung put the note 
on the card. The scanner was reprogrammed 
to add notes to the end of each card. 


Note from Research Assistant Boston: Dr Jung 
initially encountered technical problems with 
the scanner, prompting Researcher Taylor to 
"go and fetch someone who knows what he's 
doing", at which point she walked through the 
doors to the previous iteration, returning with a 
second Dr Jung. The "original" Dr Jung proved 
unwilling to be assisted, leading to a row 
between the two doctors, which was only 
exacerbated when a third Dr Jung emerged 
from the next iteration, complaining about the 
slow pace of the experiment. The 
disagreement was eventually broken up by 
security, who mandated A) the reprogramming 
of the scanner by the second Doctor Jung, and 
B) that all staff remain in their particular 


and down the plunger went on his face, as if to suck the disgusting 
imprudence out of him. Filthy fuck! 


"Blessed! Richard is blessed, praises be to Richard!" chanted 
everyone in almost-unison. 


"Bless him! Bless him who is plunged!" one junior researcher 
squeaked. 


"The fuck is everyone on about?" said Sanders in a very much 
raised voice, righting herself, the plunged man taking a few gaping 
breaths as the scepter popped off of his face. "Someone tell me 
what the hell is going on!" Sanders looked down in her rage- 
confusion and realized that she was naked. She looked nice though, 
she thought. Damn nice. Supermodel even. That diet must have 
really worked. 


"Oh, perfection, those clothes offended your skin." the junior 
researcher from before squeaked. 


Sanders tilted her head at the girl and narrowed her brow. "Are you 
fucking dense? Tell me what the hell you're all doing! And look 
away! Look away, who do you think you are that you should look at 
my body and my magnificent rod?" Sanders bellowed. They all 
turned their backs to Sanders at the command, the young 
researcher scampering away to a corner. “Forgive me!” she 
squeaked. 


Sanders heard a door to the cafeteria close behind her just as she 
was finished with her discipline. 


"What the hell is going on in he-." the personnel director paused 
mid-sentence upon seeing Sanders. This was his first viewing, and 
seeing the reality of Sanders’ body atop the table in bright 
fluorescent lighting did not tickle his sensibilities one bit. 


Before he could get another word in a security guard tackled him to 
the wall. "Watch your mouth around the Sanders." 


"What?" he croaked, the man’s beefy hand was pulling him up by 
the collar. The director could tell something obviously wasn't right 


here. His first thought was to pull the fire alarm, as he couldn't do 
much else. He edged a hand to the switch, pulled it down and ina 
few seconds an alarm sounded accompanied by a shower of 
reclaimed water. 


"Now why'd you go an’ do that!" the guard yelled. 


“You all had best explain yourselves right now.” said the very angry 
director. 


"Kill him! Kill that man! He wants my rod! | can see him looking at it! 
Wanting! End his jealous pitiful stupid little life!" Sanders decreed, 
standing atop the tables in the sprinkler shower. 


The guard pulled out his gun and put it to the director's head. "On 
your orders, our perfect." 


He was interrupted by Sanders' scream and moans of disgust 
before he could pull the trigger. 


Transcript 1B from containment cell 2305 
Dr. Mayreder: Where's the gas? 


Agent Breen: Some asshole must have pulled the fire 
alarm. Part of the lock-down protocol. Stuff stops. 


Dr. Mayreder: Ah. Alright... got any ideas? 


Agent Breen: You think we can escape? You think this 
is like a movie or something? No. See any doors? No. 
There's just us and those holes in the wall, and after the 
confusion is over those holes will start spilling gas into 
the room. This is the Foundation for fuck sake. 


Dr. Mayreder: Ah... right. Are you still mad at me? 
The miracle ointment didn’t seem to be invulnerable to a good rinse. 


There was a lot of confusion in the cafeteria in the next few minutes 
and Sanders, dripping wet, looking like a drowned rat, took the 
opportunity to back into a corner and cover up her unmentionables 


with a folding chair. She was trying her hardest to keep from sobbing 
and draw attention to herself.