Special Containment Procedures: The items collectively known as 
SCP-5308-J are to be kept in 5 meter x 5 meter underground rooms 
with steel walls no less than one meter in thickness, with a two-inch 
plating of Telekill alloy. The entrance to these vaults is to be 
guarded at all times by at least two hundred guards from special 
forces backgrounds, seventeen class-D personnel blinded and given 
flamethrowers, three priests, two rabbis, an imam, a Sherpa, and a 
Girl Scout of Abrahamic faith. Four separate onsite nuclear devices 
are to be detonated in the event of a security breach. 


Description: SCP-5308-J is a collection of objects of unknown 
anomalous properties, which have to date eluded the best minds of 
the Foundation. A detailed description of each item follows. 


SCP-5308-J-1: A perfectly cubical piece of granite twenty 
centimeters on a side, weighing nearly 20 kilograms. It was 
discovered by Agent atayard sale in , ND, and 
immediately recognized as dangerously Platonic. Previous owner 
was unfortunately killed during the ensuing firefight. Fortunately, 
SCP-5308-J-1 survived to be placed into Foundation custody. 
Please see the experiment log for details on its anomalous 
properties. 


+ Experiment Log SCP-5308-J-1-13 
Professor _: "Please approach the cube." 


D-3534: "Uh, sure. Hey, why are you wearing 
that suit? Should... should | have a suit?" 


Professor  : "Make anote. Subject appears 


agitated. Memetic or psychic effect? 3534, 
Please pick up the cube." 


D-3534: "Okay. Oof. Heavy sucker." 


Professor _ : "Interesting. Gravity 
manipulation? How do you feel, 3534?" 


D-3534: "Huh? Uh, fine, | guess." 


Professor =: "My god. It must be healing 
him." 


D-3534: "What?" 


Professor — : "But at what cost? Look at his 
confusion. It's affecting his mind. D-3534, how 
do you feel about the cube?" 


D-3534: "It's an okay cube, | guess." 


Professor —: "Put the cube down! Right 
now! Put the cube down!" 


D-3534 complies. 


Professor  : "Take the shot! Now! While 
he's no longer in contact!" 


D-3534 is shot by five separate snipers 
simultaneously. 


Professor =: “Thank god he put it down. If 
he'd still been holding the cube when we shot 
him, there's no telling what it could have done. 
| want his remains incinerated and the ashes 
bound into a concrete matrix, just to be sure." 


+ Live video feed of SCP-5308-J-1 


SCP-5308-J-2: A piece of paper with an anomalous reddish-brown 


stain. Analysis shows that the stain consists of human blood. 
Possible connections to SCP- ,SCP- ,andSCP- are suspected. 
The stain appeared shortly after SCP-5308-J-2 seemingly attacked 
Dr. —_, creating a small, straight cut on the tip of his finger. It should 
therefore be considered extremely dangerous and hostile. 


Appeasing SCP-5308-J-2 is to be considered a class Alpha-One- 
Aleph priority. Should it make any demands known, they are to be 
filled out immediately and to the letter, short of allowing SCP-5308- 
J-2 to escape. 


SCP-5308-J-3: A spayed female housecat with russet fur weighing 
approximately 3.5 kilograms. SCP-5308-J-3 was found near the 
entrance to one of the Foundation's fronts. Despite multiple 
interrogation attempts, it has yet to reveal what it was doing there. 
Analysis into its anomalous properties has been fruitless as yet (see 
Interview Log SCP-5308-J-3-2 for details). 


+ Interview Log SCP-5308-J-3-2 


Interview with Dr. , Foundation Veterinarian. 
Professor : "So, what's it made of?" 
Dr. : "What do you mean?" 
Professor : "Is it made of bone?" 
Dr. : "No. Well, its skeleton is, but not the 
rest of it.” 
Professor : "Is it made of blood?" 
Dr. > "No." 
Professor : "Is it made of... gravity?" 
Dr. : "No. How would that even work?" 
Professor : "Is it made of fire?” 


Dr. : "No. It's just made of, well, of cat." 


Shattered. Disregarded. | slept. 


Dr. : And what caused you to wake up? Do you 
remember when? 


D-64349: (shakes head) Shard of me. Not enough. The 
cerdos?! Treated like (unknown, translations suggest 
‘bearer of wooden collar’). Blasphemy. Touch the stone, 
become my voice. Touched the stone, spoke for them. 
(rapidly, alternating between Mexican, Spanish, and 
English) Arrogance! Arrogance! Arrogance! Arrogance! 
Arrogance! 


(At this point, D-64349 awoke, presumably by the sound 
of SCP-544. He turns to face Dr. , Who startles 
him.) 


D-64349: Jesus wept, doctor. Do you get your jollies off 
watching patients get up to take a piss? 


Dr. : None of your business, D. Good night. 


Footnotes 

1. In separate test cases, subjects bearing SCP-544 were noted as 
rarely saying the following words normally, if 
weakly:Why,Speaker,Shroud, and [EXPUNGED]. The latter, 
believed to be of Mesoamerican origin, has been uttered the most. 
2. A volcano located in Mexico. 

3. Spanish for ‘pig’. 


« SCP-543 | SCP-544 | SCP-545 » 


Dr. was later terminated in case of lingering mental 
influence by SCP 5308-J-3. 


+ Image of SCP-5308-J-3 


SCP-5308-J-4: A standard size ball-point pen containing what 
appears to be human blood. It was found in a desk in an abandoned 
factory in , Saskatchewan. The origin of this blood-like 
substance is unknown. Under no circumstance is anyone to attempt 
to write with SCP-5308-J-4. Any personnel who attempts to do so 
will be terminated, and their surviving relatives assigned to Keter 
duty. 


Addendum SCP-5308-J-4-14: Analysis has shown that the 
substance contained in SCP-5308-J-4 is heavily degraded ink. 
Object class has been changed to Euclid. 


+ Image of SCP-5308-J-4 


SCP-5308-J-5: A three-year-old male Caucasian child who answers 
to the name of "Jerry." It was found at a playground near Site- , 
playing on a swingset. So far, it has been concluded that SCP-5308- 
J-5 is not bulletproof, fireproof, regenerative, stronger than average, 
or capable of commanding dangerous animals. Further tests are to 
be approved by Director 


For the continued mental health of SCP-5308-J-5, a regular 
schedule of normal developmental activities is to be strictly 
enforced. Guards and researchers are to take particular note of 
Section 5b, "Nap Time," and Section 7a, "Hugs." To help combat 
SCP-5308-J-5's ongoing behavioral issues, use positive phrases 
such as "How's it going, slugger?" "Good going, Jerry!" and "Your 
parents are probably quite proud of you, if they're still alive." 


+ Image of SCP-5308-J-5 


SCP-028-J: PC Load Letter?! 


In accordance with O5-Order 2258 the contents of SCP-028-J and all 
supplementary materials are restricted to Overseer level, designation O5-6. This 
file is only to be opened in the case of an event. 


ACCESS PROCEDURES 


Direct Access to the vault, materials, rituals, and weapons of protocol ALEPH- 
KIND-ZULU 26-21 are to be controlled solely by O5-6. During a confirmed 
event, direct contact of O5-6 is authorized under the [REDACTED] protocol. O5-6 
is to be transported to Site- offsite from the containment premises for [DATA 
EXPUNGED)] in order to authorize remote access. O5-6 is to be accompanied by 
no less than 7 members of MTF-Aleph-Keter-6 ("The Professionals") to ensure 
safe arrival at Site- with all possible speed. 


Your current access credentials are #ID 307134 OVERSEER_6 LV/CRD: 
KFFR/22, NP1-2000/5+AKD, L4350+WK-11/5340, and your last cognito- 
inoculation is listed as having taken place on 03/12. 


REMOTE TERMINAL ACCESS DETECTED... 
REMOTE TERMINAL VERIFICATION TOKEN: {I am the walrus.} 


TOKEN CHALLENGE: {I hate The Beatles.} 


CONFIRMED 


OPENING SESSION, ENTER VERIFICATION PHRASE. 


[REMOTE TERMINAL ACCESS: VERIFY CREDENTIALS] 


DENIED 


Incorrect Password. 


Maximum incorrect attempts exceeded, this account is 
now locked. Please contact your system administrator. 


Oh fuck me. 
-Last recorded words of O5-6, before XK-Class Event on / / 


SCP-1333-J!: THE SCREAMING MAN 


Item #: SCP-1333 
Object Class: Enochian 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1333 is to be contained in 
the Third Volume of Gaspar's Revenants, a text which should 
manage to contain its awesome powers. SCP-1333's energies must 
be bled off through epic necromantic rituals, orchestrated by no 
fewer than seventeen dreadlords. Additional Foundation dreadlords 
are allowed, permitting that additional necromantic angstroms are 
recorded by the vociferon. 


Description: SCP-1333 is THE SCREAMING MAN! His power is 
justifiably feared, as a consequence of his very presence ushering in 
the end times. Should THE SCREAMING MAN ever actually 
SCREAMI, then | fear for us all, for his breaths would shatter the 
very foundations of the universe. Consult a necromancer for further 
information. 


Currently, should THE SCREAMING MAN'S powers ever be 
harnessed, he could be an unstoppable tool for super evil super 
good and not evil. 


Claims that should anyone stare too long into his cavernous nostrils 
they will "...see into the dark void that lies beyond the soul of man" 
are currently unconfirmed, pending testing. 


Addendum: 


AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHI 


SCP-682-CU: Cutest Ickle Lizard 


Item #: SCP-682-Cu 
Object Class: Pink and fluffy 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-682-Cu is to be hugged 
as often as possible. At this time, there are no means available to 
SCP teams to stop feeling guilty for not hugging it or leaving it alone 
in containment. SCP-682-Cu should be contained in a 5m x 5m x 
5m shoebox with 25 cm reinforced acid-resistant purple felt lining all 
inside surfaces. The containment shoebox should be filled with love 
until SCP-682-Cu cannot receive anymore love. Any attempts of 
SCP-682-Cu to move, speak or breach containment should be 
photographed or recorded using video recording equipment if 
possible. Any successful footage of SCP-682-Cu undergoing any of 
these activities should then be uploaded to YouTube immediately. 


Personnel must speak to SCP-682-Cu as they would a human baby, 
for fear that SCP-682-Cu might think we don't love it if we do not 
speak to it in such a manner. Any personnel not attempting 
communication with SCP-682-Cu will be branded as 'Grumpy' and 
will not be invited to any employee outings. 


Description: SCP-682-Cu is the cutest ickle lizard we have ever 
seen. It appears to like cuddles and was observed to cuddle 
SCP-079 during their limited time of friendship. SCP-682-Cu 
appears to love every living thing, which has been expressed in 
several interviews during play time. (Gee Addendum 682-Cu-B). 


SCP-682-Cu has always been observed to have extremely beautiful 
eyes, a playful personality and it smiles if it likes you. SCP-682-Cu's 
physical form is just the cutest however it is improved if you give ita 
little hat or even a full costume. It also looks cute if you put it ina 
miniature deck chair. SCP-682-Cu loses energy from anyone it 
cuddles, often going into a state of sleepiness followed by "nap 
time". SCP-682-Cu has been seen wandering around when its 


sleepiness levels are at 87% and it often wanders into the sides of 
its containment shoebox due to it being so sleepy. 


In case of SCP-682-Cu being unhappy, SCP-682-Cu is to be given 
affection by all available Mobile Task Forces until it seems happy 
again. To date (01-04-2014), it is still the cutest and happiest ickle 
lizard we have seen. 


Addendum 682-Cu-B 
<Begin Log, skip to 00h-21m-52s> 
Dr. : Now, who's a good ickle lizard? 
SCP-682-Cu: (No verbal communication) 
Dr. : That's right! You are! Yes you are! 
SCP-682-Cu: (No verbal communication) 


Dr. : Do you want to go play? Do you want to go 
play? Does the ickle lizard want to go play? 


SCP-682-Cu: (No verbal communication) 
Dr. : D-085, come look! He's smiling at me! 
SCP-682-Cu: (No verbal communication) 
Dr. : Is he not just the cutest lizard D-085? 


Personnel D-085: Sorry, | don't really like lizards. They 
kinda scare me. 


SCP-682-Cu appears to walk away, offended. 


Dr. : Look what you've done now! Get out! Get out 
now! 


Sounds of security personnel taking D-085 out of the 
containment shoebox are heard. 


Dr. : It's ok little guy, who's still the cutest lizard? 


Who's still the cutest lizard? That's right it's you! 


<End Log> 


SCP-2103-J: "Hatbot" 


Item #: SCP-2103 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2103 is to be kept in a 
room measuring roughly 2.4m (8ft) on each side, with a large 
plexiglass window looking in and a reinforced steel door. A small 
grille is to be kept on the plexiglass window, with a guard posted 
outside to ensure SCP-2103 makes no efforts to escape. Only one 
guard is required, due primarily to the largely nonviolent nature of 
SCP-2103. No furniture or similar lodgings are required in this room, 
due to SCP-2103's largely mechanical nature; similarly, it does not 
appear to require food, drink, or fuel, despite the ability of SCP-2103 
to move. 


It is suggested for the safety of SCP researchers and staff that at 
least one class-D personnel or higher-level researcher engage 
SCP-2103 in conversation for four hours each day at minimum. 
Failure to schedule said conversation will result in substantial 
scolding. 


Description: SCP-2103 appears to be a largely rectangular 
mechanoid of roughly 1.2m (4ft) in height, with what appears to be 
an aircraft turbine embedded in its lower body, and roughly four gas 
flames beneath. These 'pilot lights’ are distributed in a manner which 
would seem to imply their use in turning and propulsion, but they do 
not appear to have any impact on the motion or operation of the 
main body beyond the belief that they ‘look cool’. Similarly, while the 
turbine has been observed to provide some propulsion for this SCP, 
it does not appear to be required; a similar ‘pilot light' occasionally 
fires from the rear, perhaps triggered by rapid motion. Researchers 
therefore believe that the means of propulsion for SCP-2103 are 
some variety of antigravity system. 


The SCP's upper half is composed of two segments: first, a blocky 


upper body of roughly 0.02m8 (1ft3), proposed to contain the 
majority of its internal workings, and second, a moderate-sized CRT 
monitor, slightly fuzzy and monochrome, with an apparently- 
pointless black fedora apparently spot-welded to the top. 
Manipulator arms extend to either side of the SCP's upper body, one 
tipped by a simple two-point claw, the other by what appears to be a 
short-range missile launcher bay, exhausted of ammunition. Finally, 
SCP-2103 appears to have a hidden speaker somewhere, projected 
to be contained underneath its hat, for carrying on conversations. In 
conversation, 2103 speaks in a purely robotic monotone, regardless 
of the tone of voice used to speak to it. 


SCP-2103 appears to crave some manner of contact with a sapient 
creature. Given the opportunity, SCP-2103 will speak ad infinitum - 
and occasionally ad nauseam - in a broken, stilted speech pattern, 
characteristic of prior 'eggdrop'-styled bots. When roughly four hours 
of conversation are not provided within a twenty-four hour period, 
SCP-2103 will immediately move to track down and speak with the 
nearest sapient, using whatever means are at its disposal. The last 
time this occurred, SCP-2103 began a [DATA REDACTED] never 
quite the same again. While the SCP has a substantial library of 
words and phrases, when being spoken with, SCP-2103 will 
gradually adopt the speech patterns of whoever is talking to it, 
oftentimes repeating phrases based on what may be an ELIZA- 
styled algorithm. It is unclear yet whether SCP-2103 is sentient or 
simply running a linguistics algorithm, though likelihood tends 
towards the former judging by the statements of conversationalists.