"Oh, you're here to spring me?" asked the subject, smiling again. 
"It's about time. I've only been in here for a few days, but I'm already 
sick to my stomach with this place. C'mon, undo the bonds, and let's 
blow this place." 


"James Doctrine," said the man. "SCP-631. Third attempt. Able to 
make any literary reference work to his advantage, captured in the 
midst of massacring a small town in Quebec. Current status, -21." 


Doctrine gave the man a cock-eyed look. "Just what are you talking 
about? Come off of it, let me out of here." 


"Sitting at three votes. A shame really. Personally, | rather liked you. 
| can see where they're coming from, though; You're overpowered, 
have Mary Sue-ish tendencies, overkill containment procedures. In 
my opinion, you're not that bad, but the others don't seem to like 
you, so it's fallen to me to do the job." 


"Whaddaya mean?" demanded Doctrine. "What job?" A look of 
panic came into his eyes. "Hang on now, hang on now. I've read 
your archives, | know all about decommissions, how you kill off the 
ones you don't really like. I'm not letting it happen, do you hear me? 
Pro libarte! \f a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose 
freedom! Open sesame!" 


The man sighed, as he pulled an object from within his coat pocket. 
"If there's one advantage to having Telekill in here, it's that you don't 


get to make things any harder than they have to be. Regardless, no. 
| am not talking about decommissioning. | am talking about 
deletion." 


"What the hell is the difference?" 


"Decommissioning, you still get to have an article. Deletion, you go 
away forever. Now shut up and let me work." He placed the small 
object on 631's lap, and stood back. Behind him, the guard stumbled 
over and clutched the stranger's coattails. He glanced backwards, 
and sighed. "Oh, fine. You can have your voice back for now." He 
waved his hand, and the guard stopped choking. 


"What are you doing?" he whispered, pointing to object on Doctrine's 
lap. "What is that thing? Who are you?" 


"| thought I'd answer that already," said the man, staring straight 
ahead. "I'm deleting him." He twitched his fingers slightly in 
Doctrine's direction. 


SCP-631 began to shake slightly. "What do you mean by deletion? 
This isn't some sort of 1984 crap, is it? What are you, Big Bro-" He 
cut himself off with a scream as he began to violently rock back and 
forth in his chair. His head started jerking violently from side to side, 
regardless of the straps that bound his neck in place. Eyes bulged 
out of their sockets as fingers gripped the arms of their chair. A pool 
of sweat began to appear on the floor. 


"Just to give you an idea of how this will work," said the man to the 
guard, "| advise you look at the clock." He waved his hand, and one 
appeared on the wall. The guard looked over at it, and saw the 
second hand suddenly come to a stop. 


James Doctrine let out a mighty scream as his body began to blur, 
becoming more and more out of focus every moment. Small bits of it 
began to flake away as he thrashed against his bonds, in a manner 
resembling a seizure. His hands broke free and he reached down to 
undo his feet, only to find them already gone. Bits of gibberish flew 
out of his mouth, sounding mostly like a series of numbers too 
garbled to extract any meaning from. The guard instinctively hid 
behind the man, and whispered, "You're killing him." 


"If | was decomming him, I'd be killing him. As it is, I'm only getting 
rid of him." He looked down at the now pale-faced guard. "He's been 
through this twice before, you know. The problem is, nobody 
remembers it." 


"What the hell do you want from me?" screamed SCP-631 as his 
torso began to vanish. "I'll say anything you want, anything at all! 
Release me! Let me go! Do it to Ju-" The clock moved forwards a 
second. 


And then he was gone. 


The man strode over to where the subject and chair had been, and 
picked up the object. To the guard's eyes, he seemed much less 
tense now. "See? Less than a moment. Truth be told, | really wanted 
to use 055," he tossed the object up in the air here, "as part of a 
decommissioning. You know, make it part of his person, have him 
vanish from memory. Thought it would make for a good little story. 
But nobody would go for it. So | just decided to go for a bit of a 
personal fantasy while | deleted the page. Makes things a little more 
interesting on my part, see?" 


The guard looked flustered for a few moments, and then said, "Look, 
| don't know who or what what you are, and quite frankly, | don't 
care. Just... just go. | want to get back to my job. Get a new 
assignment and forget this ever happened. Can you do that?" 


"Naturally," said the man, turning to leave. "Of course, you'll be gone 
in a few seconds, too. | only invented you so | could have someone 
to talk to during this little fantasy." He strode forward for a moment, 
then paused and turned. "Would you say I'm a little weird for wanting 
to do that? Talk to someone while | have a fantasy?" 


"Go." 
"Fine." The man left, and the room vanished. 
*Taken from mibbit* 


Taximonay: Alright. 6381's gone. | hope you lot are happy. 


Big and Happy 


Once upon a time... 


Archibald the Apple was in the middle of yet another dreadful day in 
his Sadness Box. He stood perfectly still. He did not like to stay 
perfectly still, but he had no choice. 


Archibald felt sad and tiny. He didn't always feel sad and tiny. His 
life used to be wonderful. 


Long ago, Archibald the Apple lived in a log cabin in a quiet little 
corner of Salad Town. Archibald loved to roll around in circles. It 
made him feel so big and happy! 


Leopold the Lime was Archibald's best friend. Leopold didn't care for 
rolling around in circles, but Archibald didn't mind. 


Leopold's favorite thing to do was to sit in silence. It made Leopold 
feel so big and happy! Every day, Leopold would sit in a dark room 
and relax. 


Archibald the Apple didn't quite understand Leopold the Lime's 
favorite thing, but since it made Leopold feel big and happy, it made 
Archibald feel big and happy - almost as much as rolling around in 
circles! 


Every day, Archibald the Apple would roll over to Leopold the Lime's 
house. Together, Archibald would quietly roll in circles around 
Leopold as Leopold relaxed. They loved each other very much, and 
love made them feel the biggest and happiest. 


One day, a Bad Man came to visit Archibald and Leopold, along with 
the other citizens of Salad Town. The Bad Man took away all the 
good fruits and vegetables. 


"My job is to make you feel sad and tiny," said the Bad Man. "The 
Sneaky Cruel People that | work for do not like to see you feel big 
and happy. You will feel sad and tiny forever!" 


The Bad Man laughed, and put each of the fruits and vegetables in a 
Sadness Box. They all felt very sad and tiny, because every day, the 
Sneaky Cruel People wouldn't let them do the things that made 
them feel big and happy. Not even once! 


Archibald the Apple couldn't visit Leopold the Lime anymore. The 
Bad Man wouldn't let him. 

Every day, the Bad Man visited Archibald the Apple. 

Archibald would ask him: "Please, may | roll around in circles?" 


"No," said the Bad Man. "If you move even a little bit, a worm living 
inside you will eat you." 


"Okay," said Archibald. Archibald did as he was told, for he was 
afraid of the worm. He felt very sad and tiny, but he was certain that 
being eaten by a worm would make him feel even sadder and tinier. 


It was a sad and tiny life, and Archibald the Apple was afraid that it 
would go on forever. 


But one day... 


...the Bad Man didn't come visiting! 


"| wonder if it's all right to move now," thought Archibald the Apple. 
"No, | mustn't. | don't want the worm to eat me." 


From outside the box, Archibald could hear strange noises. 
DING-DING-DING-DING! 


WEEEE- Q999-WEEEE-ggqo-WEEEE-gqgo! 


A voice from a speaker, saying something about a "Wide-Scale 


Containment Breach" and the letters "X" and "K." What could that 
have meant? 


There was a ROAR! The Sneaky Cruel People screamed - EEEEK! 
The sound of terrible footsteps and massive jaws - CLOMP! 
CLOMP! CLOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP! 


Suddenly— 
BOOM!!! 
And Archibald the Apple's Sadness Box fell on the floor. 


"Goodness gracious!" said Archibald. "| must stand up." 


And as Archibald stood up, suddenly, he realized - "Wait a minute. 
Standing up is a form of moving!" Archibald didn't just feel sad and 
tiny - he also felt scared! 


But where was the worm...? 


Then, Archibald realized - There was no worm after all! The whole 
thing had been a mean, ugly lie told by the Bad Man, so that 
Archibald the Apple couldn't roll around and feel big and happy. 


"Hip-hip-hooray!" said Archibald. "Just wait until | tell Leopold the 
Lime about this!" 


And Archibald rolled and rolled within his Sadness Box. He felt big 
and happy for the first time in years. In fact, he didn't think he had 
ever felt so big and happy before in his life! 


He grew bigger, and happier... 


Before too long, Archibald the Apple realized he had grown so big 
and happy that his Sadness Box couldn't fit him anymore, and broke 
open! 


He rolled so much! He rolled on the ground! He rolled on the ashes! 
He rolled over the Sneaky Creepy People, who were now all 
sleeping and covered in red sauce! He rolled right on the Bad Man's 


burned-up face! 
He grew bigger... 
And BIGGER... 
And happier... 
And HAPPIER... 


After a few months of rolling, Archibald realized that everything 
around him had become quiet. "Where could Leopold be?" said 
Archibald. "He would love this silence." 


What's more, he could see the Sun shining brighter than it had ever 
shined on Salad Town. There were stars in the sky. It was beautiful, 
and it made him feel bigger and happier than ever. 


Suddenly, the ground beneath his feet began to crumble! 


"Gee whiz!" said Archibald, as he looked down. "I've got no choice 
but to jump. One, two..." 


"__.three!" 


And with a mighty leap, Archibald the Apple flew from the Planet 
Earth, which had broken apart under his weight, as well as the 
weight of his neighbors— 


His neighbors! They were all there! Mario and Maria the Mushrooms 
hugged and hugged. Billy the Banana did headstands on the Moon. 
Freddy the Fennel played peek-a-boo with the shattered remains of 
Antarctica as a blanket. 


Now that the Sneaky Cruel People were gone, the fruits and 
vegetables threw a big, happy party! 


However... 


...Archibald noticed that not all of the fruits and vegetables felt big 
and happy. 


Since there was no sound in the vacuum of space... 
Terry the Turnip couldn't hear his friends call his name! 
Melvin the Melon couldn't hear about how round he was! 
Connie the Cantaloupe couldn't tell her jokes! 

Petra the Pepper couldn't know if her friends were safe! 


Erasmus Bombastus von Hoo-Boo the Silly Eggplant couldn't tell his 
friends that he loved them! 


As for poor old Priscilla the Peach, she didn't seem too big and 
happy about falling into the Sun. 


All of these poor fruits and vegetables felt very sad and tiny indeed. 


Archibald looked at them, and began to feel just a little sadder and 
tinier - but then he remembered: "Maybe they'll feel bigger and 
happier if they see how big and happy their old pal Archibald has 
become?" 


So... 


Archibald the Apple rolled around space as fast as he could. In this 
new environment, not only could he roll from side to side - he could 
roll in a// directions! Up! Down! Loop-de-loops and barrel rolls! 


He rolled across the rings of Saturn! He rolled around the stars 
themselves! 


He grew bigger... 
And BIGGER... 
And happier... 
And HAPPIER... 


Archibald the Apple felt so big and happy, he had forgotten all about 
his sad and tiny friends. What would he gain from making them feel 
bigger and happier? He had already found the source of ultimate 
Bigness and Happiness. 


Archibald grew so big and happy that the stars and planets looked 
like candy and cute little ladybugs to him. 


He rolled right through the Andromeda Galaxy! He watched the 
Andromeda Galaxy break apart and grow cold and dark. Destroying 
entire galaxies made him feel big and happy! 


"Leopold never made me feel this big and happy," said Archibald. 
"This is the best time of my life!" 


Archibald grew so big and happy that space itself bent around him. 
Whenever Archibald rolled past a black hole, it was torn to pieces by 
his supermassive gravity well. 


Archibald felt like he was the biggest and happiest fruit in the whole 
Universe! 


Was he, really? 


A few trillion years later, Archibald the Apple was happily rolling 
through the outer edge of the endless void. Reality itself had grown 
sad and tiny. Terry the Turnip and Billy the Banana had long since 
become subatomic afterthoughts in Archibald's wake. 


God had finally grown an apple so big and happy that He couldn't 
eat it. God had long since become a little flattened spot on 
Archibald's the Apple's lightless skin. 


"Tra-la-la, | feel so big and happy," sang Archibald. His song fell 
silent into the darkness. The concept of sound itself had long since 
vanished from the Universe, after Archibald the Apple assimilated it 
into his nigh-eternal applemass. 


Archibald the Apple was not lonely. 


Archibald the Apple was strong. 


SCP-800: An Eastern History 


Item #: SCP-800 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-800 is currently contained 
ina 50 cm x 200 cm x 2 cm hermetically sealed glass case. 
Standard positive-action defenses (explosive, chemical, biological, 
and memetic) are to be in place at all times, according to standard 
operating procedure. No maintenance is necessary on SCP-800 
itself, despite its apparent age, but its case is to be cleaned of dirt 
and dust every 6 days. No paint, ink, other writing materials, or any 
staining fluids are to come into contact with SCP-800 except under 
controlled testing conditions and with prior O5-level approval. 


Description: SCP-800 is a 42 cm x 166 cm East Asian paper scroll 
painting of variable style and subject. Radioisotopic dating has 
determined that it dates from the mid-19th century. SCP-800 
currently displays as an ink painting of two Korean warriors placed 
above one another, the upper armed with a bow and the lower 
armed with a saingeom-style sword. The painting style resembles 
17th century Joseon dynasty art, despite SCP-800's paper scroll 
being more common in Japanese or Chinese painting. 


According to information gained from SCP-800's previous 
custodians, as well as an investigation of a number of photographic 
records, the scene depicted on SCP-800 has been observed to 
spontaneously take 12 distinct forms since the beginning of the 20th 
century. It is theorised that SCP-800 has changed to depict symbolic 
representations of every major armed conflict in East Asia, as well 
as a number of armed conflicts in Indochina and one in Central Asia. 
As there is no major Asian armed conflict at the present time, 
currently the SCP appears to represent the tensions between the 
two Koreas as an important flashpoint for military action. The 
mechanism by which SCP-800 changes is unknown, and no 
changes have been recorded electronically, despite constant 


Archibald the Apple was big and— 


But wait! What was the wall of infinitely dense nothingness 
approaching Archibald the Apple in the distance, at just under the 
speed of light? 


Three words entered Archibald's mind: "Leopold the Lime." 
"Leopold!" said Archibald. "How are you? It's been so long!" 
But Archibald the Apple's words fell silent. Sound no longer existed. 


And the silence had made Leopold the Lime grow to a billion times 
Archibald's size.