Description: SCP-8003-J is a sentient American penny, dated 
1983. It is capable of speech and movement (through rolling), 
though it is incapable of either while at least 5 cm from a dime. 


Also, everything we do is the result of predictable chemical reactions 
and there is no point to human existence. Researcher Bergquist can 
confirm this, having read Hawking's A Brief History of Time cover-to- 
cover no less than ten times. 


The inevitable heat death of the Universe waives any responsibility 
of the Foundation to contain SCP-8003-J, ergo, Researcher 
Bergquist is hereafter absolved of any responsibility of its 
containment. Q.E£.D. 


Addendum 1: Due to the fact that Researcher Bergquist has 
effectively disproven the necessity of an anomalous item's 
containment, Researcher Bergquist is invoking Article 4 of the 
Researcher Bergquist Employee-End Terms And Conditions! to 
expend two months of paid time off as a Employee Insightfulness 
Incentive, effective upon Researcher Bergquist's completion of this 
database entry. 


Addendum 2: While there have been multiple requests for 
Researcher Bergquist to change the object class of this anomaly to 
Safe and re-establish prior containment procedures, all staff are 
advised to read the containment procedures and description more 
carefully. 


Upon completion of this task, if there are any objections to the 
carefully-constructed logic on the part of Researcher Bergquist in 
applying the Apollyon classification, please understand that these 
objections are completely wrong, and Researcher Bergquist is going 
to stop writing this article right now after addendum 3 4 and acquire 
what he has rightfully earned, thank you very much. 


Addendum 3, you goddamn plebs: While it is /ike/y that 
SCP-8003-uJ's object class may have triggered action from the 
overseer council to enact emergency information-scrubbing 
protocols and disaster preparations (which, all staff are advised, are 
meaningless), until definitive, empirical proof this problem is 
presented into Researcher Bergquist's paper shredder, these 
accusations are without merit. 


Addendum 4: Site director Naismith is hereby advised that 
assaulting Researcher BergqUuIST WITH A FIRE AXE IS HIGHLY 
UNPROFESSI/ONAL AND ALSO MEANINGLESS IN THE GR— 


Footnotes 
1.©2014 Researcher Bergquist 


SCP-727-J: Malevolent Celestial Object 


Item #: SCP-727-J 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: Due to SCP-727-u's size and 
presence it is becoming increasingly difficult to contain. Currently a 
1,500,000 km x 1,500,000 km x 1,500,000 km carbon steel 
containment cube is being constructed; however, current estimates 
predict construction with current Foundation resources will take 150 
million years. Until such time as SCP-727-J is contained personnel 
are recommended to not look upwards during daytime hours, in 
case of any psychic attack from SCP-727-J. 


Description: SCP-727-J is a large, celestial object positioned 
approximately 149,600,000 km from the Earth, and is 1,391,000 km 
in diameter. SCP-727-J was originally considered to be of 
considerably smaller volume; however, examination by Foundation 
Personnel led to the discovery of its large size and classification as 
an SCP object. 


SCP-727-J breaks several known physical laws. It does not fall into 
the Earth, but instead remains suspended above it. As well, it 
appears to be able to generate flame in the absence of oxygen. 
Study into how this is accomplished has been unsuccessful. 


SCP-727-J appears to have some form of psychic influence on the 
Earth, causing the Earth to rotate in a circular path around SCP-727- 
J. SCP-727-J also has a memetic effect of causing itself to appear to 
rotate around the Earth. This is suspected as a mechanism to make 
itself appear more harmless. 


SCP-727-J is capable of reaching extremely high temperatures. 
During testing several Class-D personnel were ejected into 
SCP-727-J, and all were found to be incinerated. Continual 
exposure to the rays emitted by SCP-727-J causes radiation burns. 


Malevolence of SCP-727-J is suspected. 


Addendum 727-J-A: During routine examination of Foundation 
airspace, Foundation personnel discovered several thousand 
possible instances of SCP-727-J. Construction of containment 
chambers for each instance is currently underway. 


Addendum 727-J-B: Due to the increasing threat imposed by 
SCP-727-J, SCP-1543-J-02 was commissioned and built for the 
purpose of attempting to destroy SCP-727-J with different objects. 


Addendum 727-J-C: SCP-1960-J has been observed to temporarily 
disable SCP-727 periodically. Research into harnessing this 
technology is currently underway. 


Experiment Log 727-J: 
Object Used: Standard Class-B Fire Extinguisher 


Observations: The fire extinguisher failed to activate 
and spray SCP-727-J. Recommendation to use a 
handler of the fire extinguisher next time. 


Object Used: Standard Class-B Fire Extinguisher, D- 
Class Handler 


Observations: D-5673 failed to activate the fire 
extinguisher before being incinerated by SCP-727-J. 
Recommendation for handler to be wearing an air tight 
suit. 


Object Used: Standard Class-B Fire Extinguisher, D- 
Class Handler in air-tight suit 


Observations: Amount of foam generated by the fire 
extinguisher insufficient to extinguish SCP-727-J. 
Recommendation to build Jupiter-sized fire extinguisher. 


((NOTE: Jupiter-sized fire extinguisher currently under 
consideration.)) 


Object Used: 150,000,000 km long fire hose connected 


to the Pacific ocean 


Observations: Failed to make any noticeable change. 
Project abandoned after 5 days. 


Object Used: 1,435 D-Class Personnel instructed to 
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" 


Observations: SCP-727-J failed to be smothered. All 
personnel incinerated. 


SCP-1938-J: Typhoid Mary 


Item #: SCP-1938 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: Due to the risk of a TK-class 
Technological Collapse Event, SCP-1938 is to be kept away from 
computers computing devices anything with a goddamn network 
interface at all costs. 


Description: SCP-1938 is Dr. Mary-Ann Walker, a Level 2 
anthropology researcher currently employed by the Foundation at 
Humanoid Containment Site 06-3 with the anomalous ability to infect 
any electronic device with a multitude of viruses, malware, and 
spyware within hours of use. SCP-1938 also has a catastrophic 
effect on the behavior of site information technology and security 
personnel, forcing them to laugh uncontrollably, break down into 
tears, then become incoherently angry at life (generally in that 
order). 


This ability is suspected to result from SCP-1938's inability to 
understand that all those retarded "click me" emails aren't actually 
telling you that you won some stupid prize or that a hundred puppies 
will die if you don't forward the goddamn thing. 


SCP-1938 came to the attention of Site 06-3's technical staff 
following an incident in which she reported sluggish computer 
performance and requested assistance. The responding technician 
performed a cursory inspection of the affected terminal and 
discovered that its hard drive contained a physically impossible 
amount of viruses. 


Addendum 1938-1: Researcher Note 


As areminder to all site staff, if you're gonna prank each 
other with this kind of stuff, keep it to yourselves and 


don't "accidentally" file personal documentation in the 
primary containment database. 


And, no, I'm not authorizing the request to ban Dr. 
Walker from the network. She needs to work, and you 
need to keep her terminal working. 


Dr. 
Site Director, Humanoid Containment Site 06-3 


Addendum 1938-2: Technician Note 


With all due respect, you realize that she infected her 
phone with a virus, right? It's not even a smartphone! 


Information Technology, Humanoid Containment Site 
06-3 


Addendum 1938-3: Researcher Note 


Not funny, guys. This was mean and completely out of 
line. 


Dr. Mary-Ann Walker 
Researcher, Anthropology Department 


Win $5000 in cold hard cash! Click here to register for 
our FREE daily drawing! 


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how a real man feels! Gain 3 inches overnight! 


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virus 


Addendum 1938-4: Researcher Note 


| take it back. Give her a typewriter and hope to God she 
doesn't find a way to infect that, too. 


Dr. 
Site Director, Humanoid Containment Site 06-3 


: Moving on then. According to your profile, you suffered 
from arachnophobia. 


Dr releases a large, but otherwise unremarkable 
house spider onto subject Tau’s arm. Heart rate does not 
rise above 65 bpm. 


: Nothing? It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve been able to 
elicit any sort of human response from you. Let’s try 
something else. Do you know what this is? 


D: A blowtorch. 


Dr activates blowtorch and moves it towards Tau’s 
arm, causing subject to flinch. Tau’s heart rate jumps to 
135 bpm. 


> Hm. 


[REMAINDER OF INTERVIEW CLASSIFIED. O5 
CLEARANCE REQUIRED] 


From: Dr 

To: O5- 

Subject: SCP-547 

In response to your previous email, subjects are unable to recall any 
previous experiences in an emotional context, and are completely 
incapable of subjective thought. | would like to suggest that due to 
their predictable behaviour, subjects exposed to SCP-547 would 
make perfect control groups for any other psychohazards or 
cognitohazards we may encounter. 

Regards, 


From: O5- 

To: Dr 

Subject: Re- SCP-547 

| would like subjects D-547- Alpha through Gamma prepped for 
transport by 0700 tomorrow. You can expect more requests of this 
nature in the future. 


SCP-076-J: INOWN WORDS 


FROM: Director Maria Jones, Recordkeeping and 
Information Security Administration 

TO: SCP-076-B 

SUBJECT: Re: Change my file to this do it 


Able, 
Revision request denied with vehemence. 


On a related note, you are currently breaching 
containment. Please turn yourself over to the nearest 
MTF Nu-7 outpost, or face additional verbal reprimands. 


- Maria 


Item: Able ben Adam 


Object Class: By Grace Of Lord Enlil King Of Kings Grandchild Of 
God Master Of All Smasher Of Thousands Better Than You At All 
Things 


Special Containment Procedures: Able is to never be contained 
by the Slave-Cattle-People which we are, for we are not Able writing 
this we are less than dirt slaves. By writing this we acknowledging 
Able is better than us forever and ever, please step on our faces 
Able. Due to the fact that Able is supreme master godhead of all 
slave-mortals, please be bowing all of your heads toward his body 
immediately. 


Able is to be allowed design new fair and just laws to govern the 
people-cattle that you all are being forever and ever. Laws are to be 
recorded on clay tablet to be displayed in town square underneath 
Great Ziggurat of Able. 


¢ LAW |: All articles on computer boxes will be translated to 
cuneiform because cuneiform make more sense and easier to 
read, this is law. 

¢ LAW ||: Able will be give at least ||||||||{|]|||I|{|||| meat-slaves 
every hour for target practice, enjoyment, enjoying target 
practice, kill people is good exercise. 

* LAW |||: CAIN THE GUD-ALIM-SE HU-RU GEME-MAS 

WEASEL BASTARD IS SENTENCED TO DEATH BY 

SCAPHISM12 

LAW ||||: All pigs of Able fed better food than people at all 

times. Humbaba especially likes eat bacon. (Humbaba is odd 

pig but deserves love of all meat-slaves and also Able.) 


Failure to obey laws will result in AK-class Able-Demonstrate-To- 
You-What-Scaphism-lIs scenario. 


Description: ABLE STRONG 


Addendum | - Declaration From Dutiful And Obedient Meat- 
Slave: 


Hello | am a dutiful and obedient meat-slave and before 
Able puts his mighty all-devouring weapons of death into 
my face and laughs at the juices coming from my opened 
wounds, | will offer my findings on the body of Able, 
which | have completed using science things and 
computer shrine boxes. 


With this science information and numeral datas which | 
have compiled, | can confirm that Able Strong. In fact, 
Able VERY Strong. 


That is all. | will die now because | am coward. Do not 
mourn my passing. 


- Dutiful And Obedient Meat-Slave Who Is Now Dead 


Addendum || - Declaration From Deposed And Weak O-|||||-|| 
People-Cattle Herder: 


Greetings to you who are weaker than Able. It has 


coming to attention that some are being claim that Able 
writes this document. While Able is strong and better 
than all meatslaves who dwell in mortality, Able has no 
way of access to computer shrine boxes. Stop saying 
you that Able writes article of this. 


Obey Able's commands, for Able is stronger than fastest 
mountain and taller than wisest river, praise be on his 
muscles. 


- O-||IIF1I 


Footnotes 

1.Note |:O Able who are wiser than smartest cow, forgive my 
profound ignorance, what is scaphism? - People-Cattle Researcher 
Man 

2.Note ||:Able has graciously and mercifully informed me what is 
being scaphism, also do not google this, O Ishtar how my stomach 
laments toward the floor. - Same People-Cattle Researcher Man 


SCP-1131-J: It works, guys! Trust me! 


Item #: SCP-1131 
Object Class: Thaumiel 


Special Containment Procedures: All members of the O5 Council, 
the Ethics Committee, and the Site Director Executive Council of the 
Whole are to utilize SCP-1131 at all times on a 24/7 basis. 


Description: SCP-1131 refers to a method utilized by the Unusual 
Incidents Unit used to counter the effects of cognitohazardous 
entities. 


SCP-1131 operates in an autonomous function when the subject 
using the method has encountered a cognitohazardous entity." 


The mind, when affected by a cognitohazardous entity, will undergo 
a series of chemical changes heavily varying based upon the goal 
and power of said entity. These chemical changes are the main 
source of the properties shown on the affected subject, IE: loss of 
motor function, memory alteration, and "mind-control." 


These chemical changes can be completely counteracted via any 
amount of the element tin (symbol Sn, atomic number 50), but only if 
the tin is covering the majority of the top of the skull. This is 
commonly achieved via hand-shaped tinfoil wrapped around the 
head in a fashion similar to a hat. This method is SCP-1131. 


SCP-1131 works due to the fact that the cognitohazardous 
properties, auras, and effects that an entity may give out cannot 
travel through closed tinfoil under any circumstances (with the 
exception of very few entities; research is ongoing). 


Addendum: The following is a collection of test logs of SCP-1131. 
Researcher Roy G. Caroll is the overseer for all tests involving 
SCP-1131. 


A UIU special agent (left) and Foundation researcher (right) 
demonstrating the proper use of SCP-1131. 
Object: SCP-035 


Procedure: A D-Class personnel (D-1131-1) is to be 
introduced to SCP-035's containment chamber. The 
subject is then to be questioned as to the effects they are 
feeling. 


Results: D-1131-1 felt no compulsion to don SCP-035. 
During the test, SCP-035's smile altered into a frown. 
Following the conclusion of the test, SCP-035 has been 
extremely uncooperative and pouty because it "got 
defeated by a fucking tinfoil hat." 


Attempts to make SCP-035 more cooperative during 
testing is ongoing. 


Object: SCP-3213 


Procedure: SCP-1131 is to be used on a southern 
elephant seal. SCP-3213 is then to be introduced into 
the seal's direct line of sight. 


Results: SCP-3213 had no effect on the seal. Following 
introduction to the seal in a controlled testing chamber, 
SCP-3213 burst out into tears and said the interaction 
was "the best moment of his life" because he was "finally 
able to hug a seal." 


Addendum: SCP-3213 is currently scheduled to go ona 
date with the elephant seal it has since named "Darla." 


Object: SCP-055