Evans: I’m glad to hear that. (Evans’ watch beeps.) Oh, 
one moment... My shoes are on the wrong feet, but 
that’s okay because | have two left feet anyway; either 
way I've got it right. 


D-3086 looks to the left of Researcher Evans. He then 
returns his gaze to Researcher Evans and continues the 
conversation. 


D-3086: Yeah, so? 


Evans: No reason. Our background check shows that 
you only recently became homeless. Can you elaborate 
on why? 


D-3086: | really don’t know... | had my life all together, 
but one day my wife just started getting mad at 
everything | did. Didn’t matter that | didn’t even say 
nothing, she just thought | was making fun of her all the 
time and got so riled up that she kicked me out of the 
damn house! | just kind of wandered around a while with 
the only things | could grab on the way out. 


Evans: Yes, the possessions you were discovered with. 
(Evans’ watch beeps.) Ah, Star Wars: Episode One was 
definitely the best of the entire series, wouldn’t you 
agree? 


D-3086 looks slightly to the right of Researcher Evans. 
He then returns his gaze to Researcher Evans and 
continues the conversation. 


D-3086: No, | wouldn’t. But what’s that got to do with 
anything? 


Evans: Sorry, just a random thought. Continue please, 
what happened after you were thrown out by your wife? 


D-3086: Well, | just kind of wandered for a while, but 
everywhere | went, people would say two sentences to 
me and just flip out like | was some kind of jerk. | didn’t 


do anything to them! Even your agent fella who 
approached me in the soup line was kind of a jerk. 


Evans: I’m sorry to hear it. Is there anything we can do 
to make your stay here more comfortable? 


D-3086 looks to the right of Researcher Evans. 
D-3086: You mean in my cell? 

Evans: Point taken. 

[END LOG] 


Addendum 02/16/2018: A letter was found underneath D-3086’s 
pillow despite no signs of containment breach. The letter read: 


OHMYGOD | LOVE IT WHEN ~~ LOOKS AT THE 

CAMERA ITS SOOOOO FUNNNY IM HIS BIGGEST 

FAN | CANT WAIT TILL YOU VISIT — - FOR 
CON 


-[Indecipherable] 
Testing of SCP-3302 postponed while the Unreality Department 


investigates the possibility and ramifications of extradimensional 
“viewership.” 


this is the first time it was exposed to a sexually explicit book, so it 
was not used to the situation. 


Date: / / 

Test Material: Written by Doctor X , a list of 100 fictional people 
doing things simultaneously in different areas, with a tragic end, 
along with a final over-encompassing statement about each of them 
contributing to the tragedy. 


Result: This test was to determine if there was an upper-limit to how 
many locations SCP-423 could reside in at the same time within a 
book. Out of 100 fictional people, only 83 had the mention of "Fred" 
with it. The tragedy was not prevented in the end. SCP-423 noted 
that it got too tired after being in 83 different places in the story. 


Date: / / 
Test Material: The file for SCP-055 


Result: Inconclusive, SCP-423 stated it was not sure what it was 
doing other than the fact that something was not spherical. 
Researchers soon forgot what they sent SCP-423 to do. 


Date: / / 

Test Material: The experimental data for SCP-2719 (labeled 
"SCP-2719") with no outcomes listed, and with an additional entry 
with "SCP-423" at the bottom, also with no outcome listed. 


Result: The data was filled precisely identical to the real file of 
SCP-2719. SCP-423's outcome was "became inside". When 
questioned, SCP-423 responded that it merely observed what 
occurred with each entity, despite SCP-2719 being an abstract 
metaphysical concept. It also somehow experienced becoming 
inside, despite having no knowledge of 2719. More testing to be 
done with 2719 and 423. 

Notes: It seems that abstract entities manifesting themselves have 
the same effect on SCP-423 as any usual person, even if SCP-423 
has no idea what is happening. It also seems it can fill in the blanks 
based on what already happened. 


SCP-3303: Champagne Supernova 


Item #: SCP-3303 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: As per the terms and conditions 
of the Wurzburg Summit, the Foundation may not acquire any 
instances of SCP-3303 except by purchasing it from Marshall, 
Carter, and Dark. 


Instances of SCP-3303 under Foundation control should be kept in 
the dedicated wine cellar at Site-48. If this is not feasible, any room 
with minimal lighting, a constant temperature between 7—18°C, and 
high humidity may be used until more permanent storage space 
becomes available. 


Access to SCP-3303 for testing requires permission from two 
personnel with 4/3303 clearance. Non-testing access requires 
approval from the Site Director. 


Description: SCP-3303 is the collective designation for any 
Champagne! produced by the Bataille estate between 2002 and 
2007. While SCP-3303 is physically and chemically unremarkable, 
roughly 3% of observers report that SCP-3303 is surrounded by a 
bright blue aura. 


SCP-3303 displays anomalous properties only under certain 
conditions: 


1. SCP-3303 is being consumed by multiple individuals in an 
enclosed area (with allowances for doors, windows, etc. A 
ceiling appears to be required.) 

2. All individuals present are consuming SCP-3303 at a rate no 
less than one glass per hour. 

3. It is past sunset. 


Under these conditions, SCP-3303 induces a temporal dilation 
within the confines of the affected room. Time's rate of passage will 
increase asymptotically as sunrise approaches, allowing affected 
subjects to experience time at a greater rate than those outside. Any 
solids or liquids that reach the boundary of this effect will be 
transported across it instantly, preventing typical shearing effects. 
An unidentified process maintains air pressure, air composition, and 
temperature within the room. 


Consumption of SCP-3303 under the stated conditions has a 
stabilizing effect on the human body and mental state. Affected 
subjects will not deviate substantially from their physical condition at 
the initiation of SCP-3303's effects; this includes an immunity to 
injury that has hindered attempts to identify the exact mechanism 
responsible. Subjects do not need to attend to standard biological 
functions, though they are capable of doing so in excess of what 
should typically be possible. Similarly, emotions and overall mental 
states are fixed in the state they were in at the initiation of 
anomalous effects, with the exception of changes resulting from 
alcohol intoxication. 


Of note is that, under these conditions, subjects left to their own 
devices will often continue to consume SCP-3303 as long as 
possible. In one case, a party of nine consumed the host's entire 
stock of eighty bottles in one night. 


History: According to Bataille Champagne records, the house was 
approached by representatives from Marshall, Carter, and Dark in 
December of 2000, who intended to acquire exclusive rights to 
distribute Bataille Champagne's wine and oversee its production. 
Such a deal was made for €3 million, and production of Champagne 
for MC&D began in 2002. 


While SCP-3303 became known to the Foundation in 2003, an 
agreement was formed under which MC&D retained the right to 
produce and sell SCP-3303 for five years and the Foundation was 
disallowed from accessing or observing the Bataille estate. In 
exchange, MC&D took full responsibility for suppressing public 
knowledge of SCP-3303 and transferred several dangerous 
anomalous objects to the Foundation. 


MC&D marketed Bataille Champagne as a tool to enable parties and 
other social gatherings to last for an extended period of time, limited 
only by the supply of SCP-3303. It was sold exclusively to trusted 
clients; estimated sales are believed to exceed €50 million over five 
years. 


In 2008, the Foundation examined the Bataille estate's records and 
vineyards. There was no evidence that any anomalous activity was 
occurring or continued to occur at the site; employees were unaware 
that the Champagne they were producing had any anomalous 
properties. 


The estate's manager noted that, as part of their original agreement, 
MC&D were permitted to bury a mummified human jawbone near 
the geographical center of the estate's vineyards; the jawbone was 
apparently retrieved by MC&D personnel shortly prior to the 
Foundation's examination. 


Footnotes 

1. In the strict sense of the word, i.e. wine produced under the rules 
and regulations set by the Comité Interprofessionnel du vin de 
Champagne. 


SCP-3304: That Time the Foundation Froze Hell 


Item #: SCP-3304 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: The facility containing 
SCP-3304 has been occupied by Foundation personnel, and no 
unauthorized access to the object is permitted. No manned or 
unmanned exploration of SCP-3304 is to be attempted at this time. 
At its own request, SCP-3304-2 is to be contained in a standard 
humanoid containment cell in Site-19. 


As testing has found the energy produced by SCP-3304-1 to be 
non-anomalous, its continued operation has been authorized. It has 
been linked directly to the Foundation's midwest and Atlantic power 
grids, and has resulted ina % increase in the grid's energy 
efficiency while reducing costs by %. A proposal to use SCP-3304 
as the power source of a new global Foundation power grid is 
currently under consideration. 


ADDENDUM 10/21/2017: Following incident 3304-A, SCP-3304-1 
has been disassembled and no attempts to reconstruct it are to be 
made. In addition, the following items are to be inserted into 
SCP-3304 once per month for the following ten years: 20 liters of 
virgin blood, 666 liters of heating oil, 2 metric tons of raw pine 
timber, and one live D-class known to have broken at least 7 of the 
traditional Judeo-Christian Ten Commandments. 


Description: SCP-3304 is a class 2 inter-dimensional aperture 
located in , West Virginia. The portal appears visually as a wall 
of flames that occasionally shifts into images or patterns described 
as disturbing by viewers, and it is approximately 2 meters tall and 1 
meter wide. Personnel and material that enter SCP-3304 are 
considered lost; no signal is received from unmanned exploratory 
drones and no D-class have returned from exploration attempts. 
Evacuation cables are severed at the point of entry without 


exception. 


Connected to SCP-3304 is SCP-3304-1, an advanced geothermal 
energy generator that utilizes anomalous properties to increase the 
speed and efficiency of its output. The generator's main pylon has 
been inserted into SCP-3304, and the aperture serves as a 
seemingly limitless supply of easily accessible geothermal power. 


The facility in which these objects are located was formerly the 
headquarters of Gehenna Geothermal Energy, a 2008 startup that 
rapidly became West Virginia's primary provider of electricity. The 
Foundation discovered its anomalous properties in 2010 after the 
company's rapid expansion achieved regional media attention. 
Given the perceived lack of viable geothermal energy production in 
West Virginia, the company was flagged by Foundation media 
monitoring. A standard investigation quickly revealed the facility's 
anomalous source, and SCP-3304-2 surrendered into Foundation 
custody without incident. 


SCP-3304-2 is Earl Raum, the owner, operator, and sole employee 
of Gehenna Geothermal Energy. SCP-3304-2 is the physical 
manifestation of a demonic entity. The entity's true form is that of a 3 
meter long organism resembling the species Corvus albus.' 
However, SCP-3304 prefers to maintain human form under normal 
circumstances. 


SCP-3304-2 Interview Log 


Prepared by the Department 
of External Affairs- 
Interrogation and Negotiation 
Division 

Subject: Interview Log SCP-3304-2 

Involved Agents: Level 3 Agent Lyle Dietz 


Report: The following interview was conducted without 


incident 3 days following the apprehension of 
SCP-3304-2. A transcript is provided: 


Dietz: Alright Mr. Raum, I'm here to ask you a 
few questions regarding Gehenna Geothermal. 
We know by now that you're actually a demon. 
Cooperate with us and we'll dispel you from 
this dimension rather than keeping you 
prisoner. 


SCP-3304-2: What? No please don't! | mean, 
uh, | don't mind it here it's uh- 


Dietz: Spit it out. 


SCP-3304-2: Please don't send me back! At 
this point the big man will definitely know what 
I've been up to and my feathers still hurt from 
the last time he had my cousins flay me for 
stealing. Four hundred fucking years and it still 
itches. Is that fair? It ain't fair right? Right. 


Dietz: In that case your continued housing can 
be arranged. Do you accept these terms? 


SCP-3304-2: Heaven yeah man! I'm your bird, 
bro. Ask away. 


Dietz: Are you responsible for the creation of 
the portal, and if so, what was your goal in 
doing so? 


SCP-3304-2: Yeah, yeah man that was me. 
Look you know how it is, us mid-level folks 
gotta roll with the big dogs, pay taxes, feed 
and equip thirty legions of demon warriors. 
That shit is expensive man, and those new 
fuckers on the block totally cost me my job. | 
opened the portal and started the plant to 
make some scratch on the side, you feel me? 


Dietz: Why West Virginia? 


SCP-3304-2: | didn't pick it specifically man, it 
was just the closest place geographically 
y'know? 


Dietz: Who are you referring to when you 
mentioned the newcomers earlier? What 
exactly was your job? 


SCP-3304-2: Fuckin Lehman Brothers man. 
Soon as it showed up it became the biggest 
player in town, how's a Bird gonna compete 
with that? I'm the lord of thieves but the big 
banks? Shit man that's a godblessed industry 


my guy. 


Dietz: I'm confused... Lehman Brothers was a 
human bank, it doesn't have a soul. How 
exactly did it show up in- 


SCP-3304-2: Hey man talk like that is 
offensive! Ain't you been watchin’ the news 
bro? Supreme Court says corporations are 
people too now, they got afterlife rights and 
shit. 


Dietz: What are you talking about? The Court 
hasn't made any such ruling. 


SCP-3304-2: Oh shit, my good. Citizens 
United doesn't happen until next week. 


Dietz: Are you suggesting you're a 
precognitive? 


SCP-3304-2: | sure am bro! You're talking to 
Raum, Earl of the 84th demesne of Hell, Lord 
of all Thieves, master of Crows, and- 


Dietz: Yes, that's all well and good but... you 
did all this to make money right? If you can 


see the future, why bother with the thermal 
plant? You could have just bought a winning 
lottery ticket or bet on a horse race or 
something. 


SCP-3304-2: ... Oh God fucking bless it. 


Incident Report 3304-A 


Prepared by the Department 
of External Affairs- 
Interrogation and Negotiation 
Division 

Subject: Incident Report 3304-A 

Involved Agents: Level 3 Agent Lyle Dietz 


Report: On 10/ /2017, SCP-738 broke its pattern of 
activity, with SCP-738-2 repeatedly slamming into the 
door of its cell until researchers investigated. When a D- 
class was placed on the object, the entity claimed that it 
needed to speak with Foundation staff regarding 
Gehenna Geothermal Energy, and that time was of the 
essence. On-site staff agreed to the meeting, and Agent 
Dietz was assigned to represent the Foundation due to 
his prior experience with SCP-3304. During this incident, 
the entity took a form identical to Foundation chief legal 
counsel Sheldon Katz, esq. 


Dietz: So, what exactly is this urgent business 
you've been talking about? I'm warning you 
upfront that any attempt to tempt either me or 
the personnel monitoring this interaction into 
one of your bargains will lead to the cessation 
of this meeting.