"| mean this!" Weiss pointed to the area around her, as well as out 
the door, where some poor computational containment intern ran 
past, guarding his laptop from a swell of seawater. A scream of utter 
anguish was heard down the hall as the wave crashed on his back, 
followed by the sparking of a dying computer. "What the hell's 
causing this?" 


"| don't know! I— the woman at the bar told me to drink the 
smoothie, but Grimm Countenance protocols dictated | shouldn't." 


"And you followed protocol perfectly, so points for that. On the other 
hand, Sublevel 7 is right below us, and we've not prepared the 
servers down there for the flood that's going to inevitably happen 
when the floor drains get backed up by sand or plant life." 


"Can't you just... dispose of it?" Partridge asked. 
"We've tried," Harrison explained, picking up the jar and emptying it 
onto the floor— or attempting to. At some point, the smoothie 


stopped flowing, and returned to the jar. The waterfall over Weiss's 
head increased in output. 


"How many times have you tried pouring that out?" Partridge asked, 
taking the jar back from him. 


"Five or six," Harrison admitted. 


"And has there been any correlation with this —" Partridge waved an 
arm around him — "and the amount of times you've tried that?" 


"...ah." Harrison chewed his lip, and looked at the director 
apologetically. "Oh." 


"We'll discuss this later," Weiss shook her head. "Partridge, drink the 
damn thing." 


12@15:53 


12@23:25 


13@04:05 


piping in the facility, or which may 
have been on D-334's person. Dr. 
Garcia directs additional 
reinforcement of the chamber's 
integrity, and extermination of any 
specimens of SCP-831 found 
Outside the Chamber. 

Personnel D-054, wearing body 
armor and appropriately 
equipped, enters chamber with 
sledgehammer at direction of Dr. 
Garcia with directions to break 
ceramic shell and expose its 
contents. D-054 is attacked by 
"several fast-moving flying 
objects" and retreats without 
damaging the shell. D-054 is also 
struck by several flechettes which 
fail to penetrate his armor. Upon 
analysis, the flechettes are found 
to be coated with a corrosive 
substance containing unknown 
enzymes. 

Lighting in the chamber fails 
again, for 22 minutes, apparently 
due to electromagnetic pulse 
generated from the interior of the 
chamber. When lighting is 
restored, observation is obscured 
due to the application of an 
opaque lacquer-like coating to the 
interior of the observation 
window. 

Personnel D-033, wearing body 
armor and appropriately 
equipped, enters the chamber at 
direction of Dr. Garcia with 
directions to scrape the coating 
from the window. D-033 is 
advised not to disturb the ceramic 


Partridge uncorked the jar, bringing the smoothie to his lips, and 
taking a sip. Despite what the woman had warned him about, the 
drink was cold, painfully so. When the liquid hit the back molar, he 
gasped, and dropped the jar, smoothie and all. "NO!" He called as 
the current from the water carried the jar out of the room. 


"Partridge!" Weiss groaned. 


"| have teeth that are sensitive to cold. Shit!" He ran out of the room 
and flipped on the intercom as he saw the current carry the 
smoothie around the corner. "Attention all personnel on Sublevel 6: 
if you see a jar full of a strawberry-banana smoothie, for the love of 
god, pick it up, get on the intercom, and tell me where it is." 


Partridge had failed to realize that he had broadcast this Site-wide; 
above him, several confused looks were exchanged between 
members of the department of theology. One of them, Father 
Richard Plum, looked at his own creamsicle smoothie he had on his 
desk and scooted away from it, giving it a Suspicious stare. 


Day Fourteen: We've run low on food. Carl has had to 
kill a lobster with his own boot. It's going to rot in a day, 
and Patricia is allergic to shellfish. She gets the rest of 
my rations; a buxxom lass like her needs meat on— 


"What the hell are you doing, Hastings?" 


Christopher Hastings looked up from his notepad, where Dr. 
Partridge stood, shirtless, wearing a set of swim trunks he had 
somehow acquired. He had been reading what Hastings had been 
writing for the past several minutes. "I'm taking a writing course,” 
Hastings shrugged. "Survival in a jungle seemed like a good idea for 
a story." 


"...'buxom' has one 'X’." 
"Oh. Well, | never said | was a good writer." 
Partridge rubbed his face. "You said you had the smoothie?" 


"Yeah." Hastings adjusted himself on the trunk of the mangrove tree 


that had sprouted in front of one of the biosaftey labs, and reached 
under the roots, pulling out the sample jar and handing it to 
Partridge. As the older scientist took it, Hastings looked around. "So 
| take it the new smoothie place in town isn't getting a good Yelp 
review from us?" 


"What do you think?" Partridge scowled at the joke, downing the rest 
of the smoothie. He winced as his teeth reacted to the cold again, 
but managed to keep the jar in his hands until he drained it. He 
savored the taste, blinking. The Strawberry Banana, true to its 
name, had the texture of a banana, the tartness of a strawberry, and 
the complex sweetness of both. There was also an undercurrent of 
orange and... something else. Something slightly unsavory. 


Something... pear-flavored. 


Partridge sneezed, and a large pear fruit came out of his nose, 
landing on Hastings's lap. He stared between the empty sample jar, 
himself, and the pear. 


"Son of a bitch," Partridge groaned. "Not again." 


Several hours later, Keith Partridge was back in the Volcanic Glacier 
Smoothie Co., watching the sole employee brew another drink. She 

claimed this one would counteract the barking on his skin, as well as 
stop him from sneezing pears. She looked at him pitifully. "I told you 

to drink it before it got warm." 


Partridge looked across the beach; tiki torches were lit up, and 
people were down by the water, playing in the fish-free ocean, clad 
in swim suits. He sighed, and rubbed his face. "Why did you 
manifest here of all places?" 


"Because this town is one of the few areas in the country where | 
can set up a franchise that's visited by semi-normal people. | tried 
setting up shop in Three Portlands, BackDoorSoHo, Hastily Made 
Cleveland Backdoor— those are all full of freaks." 


"This is coming from the woman brewing magic smoothies," 
Partridge snorted. 


"Goddess," the woman corrected, in a tone that made Partridge sit 
up straighter— those this may have simply been his spine turning to 
wood. She handed him the smoothie. "That'll be $6.21." 


"The last one was free." 


"Yes, well, I'm paying for the repairs to your little operation up on the 
hill. So..." 


Partridge grumbled, reaching for his wallet with wooden fingers and 
pulling out a $10 bill. "Keep the damn change," he huffed. "What 
goddess are you, exactly?" 


"The kind of goddess that knows that you'll like a pawpaw smoothie 
better than anything else on the menu." 


Partridge raised a brow, and took a sip at his drink. He lost the 
straw, and instead drank it straight from the glass, the bark of his 
skin fading away as the sweet, creamy taste of pawpaw came 
through the ice and the milk of the smoothie, bringing a grin to his 
face. 


Excerpt from the Sloth's Pit Tourist's Guide, 2018 Edition: 


Volcanic Glaicer Smoothie Co.: 

A relatively new establishment, renowned for its tropical 
atmosphere, real fruit smoothies, and tasty grilled 
paninis. Clean indoor pool and beach for those hot 
summer days. Ask for the "Wisconsin Tropical Special"— 
a combination of strawberry banana and pawpaw. Live 
music on Fridays. 


Food Rating: Kk ** 
Atmosphere Rating: ** * 
Fun Rating: KK **& 
Overall Rating: Kk **& 


Dr. Robinson's Statement 


12/6/1994 
To whom it may concern; 


My name is Dr. James Kyle Robinson and | am a senior researcher 
with the SCP Foundation, currently holding Level 4 security 
clearance. | was recruited by the Foundation in 1968. My current title 
is Managing Archivist of Inert Safe-Class Objects and Anomalous 
Items at Site 73, a position | have held since July 7th, 1988. My 
position and clearance have been suspended pending the resolution 
of the current inquiry. | have been asked by the Ethics Committee to 
submit a written statement regarding my involvement in and 
knowledge of the events leading up to Security Incident 1981 -Delta- 
Sigma. | hereby affirm under penalty of termination that the account 
contained herein is true, complete, and factual to the best of my 
knowledge. 


On August 13th, 1992, | was contacted by telephone by a man 
identifying himself as Special Agent Arnold Rodriguez of the United 
States Secret Service. Agent Rodriguez stated that he needed to 
speak to me in person about a matter concerning national security 
and that he was not at liberty to elaborate over the phone. Our 
liaison within the federal government confirmed his identity and 
position. | agreed to the meeting and arranged to meet with him at 
the offices of Sanford Chemical Processing, a front company located 
near Site 73 which primarily handles creating cover stories for 
containment breaches and emergency dispersal of amnestics 
among the civilian population. 


The following afternoon, | met with Agent Rodriguez and his 
associate, Special Agent Ethan Tate. Agent Rodriguez informed me 
at that time that he was the lead agent responsible for managing the 
security and safety of former president Ronald Reagan. Rodriguez 
and Tate stated that it had come to the Secret Service's attention 
that the Foundation was in possession of an anomalous videotape 


relating to President Reagan, that it had been archived at Site 73, 
and that they needed access to any information regarding the tape's 
origins and nature that the Foundation had access to. At the time | 
was only vaguely aware of SCP-1981, having not directly 
participated in its acquisition or study. | excused myself from the 
meeting, and had a copy of its containment file faxed to the meeting 
location, which | reviewed personally before proceeding. 


In accordance with Protocol 87235.432, regarding information- 
sharing with government officials, | briefed Agents Rodriguez and 
Tate and issued standard confidentiality and non-disclosure 
agreements to them which they reviewed and signed. | then allowed 
them to review expurgated copies of SCP-1981's containment file 
and secondary documents relating to its acquisition, the 
Foundation's attempts to trace its origin, and transcripts of various 
playbacks. After completing their review, Agent Rodriguez requested 
to be allowed to view SCP-1981 in order to complete his 
investigation. | refused his request at that time and informed him that 
O5 approval would be necessary, and | forwarded his request to the 
O5 Council after the agents had excused themselves for the day. 


On December 16th, | received a directive from O5-7 indicating that 
authorization had been granted to allow Agents Rodriguez and Tate 
to view SCP-1981 and to produce a taped reproduction thereof, a 
request which Rodriguez had not made upon our first meeting. | 
contacted Agent Rodriguez and the viewing was scheduled for 
January 7th, 1993. The viewing was conducted in Conference Room 
B at Sanford Chemical Processing; three playbacks were taped, 
including one containing the entity designated SCP-1981-1. 


| had not personally viewed SCP-1981 prior to that occasion and 
found the recording highly disturbing. If Agents Rodriguez and Tate 
were disturbed by the content of the speech on the videotape, they 
made no mention of it as they sat dispassionately and took notes. "I 
met a young couple in St. Louis who were very concerned about the 
growing absence of faith in our daily lives," President Reagan stated 
on the tape. "They offered me a goblet fashioned from Vladimir 
Putin's skull, and | drank greedily of their virgin daughter's blood. 
Darkness engulfed us like a thousand crows fleeing the oncoming 
storm." Tate transcribed the president's comments on the video 


while Rodriguez made detailed notes regarding the president's 
posture, tone of voice, and the nature of the wounds appearing on 
him. "Is all of Judeo-Christian civilization wrong? The Destroyers are 
to the gods as the gods are to men and men are to insects: cold and 
vast and unsympathetic. This is the Hanged King's tribute. Yehom té 
ehal." Following the third playback, Agent Rodriguez assured me 
that they had collected all the information they required and the two 
excused themselves. 


| next heard from Agent Rodriguez on September 28th of that year. 
Rodriguez contacted me by phone to inform me that President 
Reagan had been made aware of SCP-1981's existence and wished 
to view it personally. It was my opinion that to allow such a viewing 
would comprise an unacceptable containment breach, and | 
informed Agent Rodriguez as such. | stated in no uncertain terms 
that | would not permit such an event to occur, in light of the nature 
of SCP-1981 and of the president's extreme age, and terminated the 
call. | did not forward Agent Rodriguez's request at the time. 


The following day | received a direct phone call from O5-7, who 
instructed me that | was to allow President Reagan to view 
SCP-1981 at Site 73. | repeated my insistence that to do so would 
comprise an unacceptable breach. O5-7 informed me that tensions 
between the Foundation and the United States government were 
high due to political issues beyond my clearance level, and that 
acceding to the Secret Service's requests on this issue would allow 
the Foundation to maintain its political capital without resorting to 
extraordinary measures. | acquiesced to O5-7's instructions and 
indicated that | wished it to be noted that | would permit the viewing 
under protest. 


Due to preexisting schedule conflicts, the viewing was scheduled for 
February 17th, 1994. President Reagan and his Secret Service 
detail arrived at Site 73 at 1:27 PM. Prior to conducting the viewing | 
spoke to President Reagan in private and asked if he had been fully 
briefed regarding SCP-1981. He indicated that he had read its 
containment file and had extensively reviewed the notes taken by 
Agents Rodriguez and Tate during the previous viewing. | informed 
him that the Foundation was prepared to issue amnestics after the 
viewing if he desired them and he indicated that they would not be 


necessary. 


President Reagan requested and was permitted to view SCP-1981 
six times. A Secret Service agent whose name | do not recall taped 
each playback. | found the content of the speeches given on the 
videotape to be even more disturbing than | had during the previous 
viewing, and spent most of the time observing President Reagan 
himself. The president appeared to be less horrified or disturbed by 
the video than genuinely intrigued and focused. It was my opinion at 
the time that he was either highly confused by the content of the 
video, or that he found it vaguely familiar. During the fourth viewing, 
| observed him mouthing in unison to the voice on the tape as it 
declared "The liberation of Oregon from enemy forces will be 
complete by the 17th. Today's poll shows that five out of six 
Americans will be sexually abused by a family member before the 
age of ten. Please don't hurt me, | just want to go home. And there 
you go again!" Following the final viewing, | repeated my offer of 
amnestics, which the president again refused. 


Following the viewings, | had a great difficulty sleeping and took two 
weeks medical leave before returning to work. Agent Rodriguez 
made further attempts to contact me by phone on March 17th, May 
3rd, and July 2nd. | declined to speak directly to Rodriguez on all 
three occasions and ordered my secretary to inform him to relay any 
requests to O5-7.