All was still and quiet, save for the flames that burned for yards in all 
directions. Where the creature had been, there was only a crater, full 
of blackened earth. 


Joey's flames went out, leaving behind the husk of a dead man. He 
swayed, and bled. He looked for just a moment, to make sure that 
he had made his point, and saw that he had. 


He tottered unsteadily toward his airplane, but didn't make it. He fell 


to the ground just before the bomb bay door, smoke curling from his 
burnt clothes and skin. 


And Joey was still. 


« Joey Fucknuts Takes to the Skies 
Joey Fucknuts Believes In Himself 
Awesome Meets an Old Friend » 


Joey Fucknuts Builds a Flying Machine 


Joey Fucknuts lit three cigarettes and looked up at the hot blue sky, 
wondering what was actually up there. 


It made sense to him that there had to be something up there that 
he couldn't see. The sky was the biggest thing he was aware of. He 
was pretty sure that the sky was even bigger than the ground, which 
was already really big. And he knew that there were things up there. 
He saw things up there all the time. Some of them even stayed up 
there, which was weird, because he couldn't do that. He had tried 
throwing things and getting them to stay up there, but it never 
worked. 


He started an itemized list of what he knew for sure was up there, to 
organize his thoughts when they felt too big for his head. It was 
written on one side of the ruins of Vulture Vic's Diner in bearing 
grease. Joey had seen writing utensils before, but had forgotten 
about them after his death. The grease served his purposes well 
enough, and made it so that the letters were larger and easier for 
him to read. 


1- BIRDS 


TINY. COMES DOWN SOMETIMES. EATS STUFF. 
USES BIRD ARMS TO STAY UP??? ASK ONE HOW 
TO DO IT 


Joey had seen a number of birds before, and had seen that they 
could go up into the sky more or less whenever they wanted. He 
knew that they were alive, almost in the same way that he was. He 
knew that they came down though, probably because they had to. 
He reasoned that anything that could stay in the sky as long as it 


wanted would probably never come down on purpose. He 
furthermore reasoned that if birds were alive, and could move 
around and eat stuff the way that he could, that the easiest thing to 
do would be to simply ta/k to one and ask it how it went up into the 
sky so easily, or at least ask it where it learned how to do it so Joey 
could also learn. 


Joey liked learning, which is why he was mayor. 


2 - CLOUDS 


PROBABLY BIG. REALLY HIGH UP. DOESN'T COME 
DOWN. GOES AWAY SOMETIMES. CHANGES SHAPE 
ALL THE TIME. KIND OF SCARY? ALSO PROBABLY 
MAGIC. 


It was here that Joey began to enter dangerous and somewhat 
frightening intellectual territory. Clouds made Joey uneasy, as they 
flagrantly violated what he understood to be some universal 
constants. Everything else he was aware of, save for a few critical 
exceptions, came down after going up. Clouds did not. The objects 
he was familiar with did not change shape unless something was 
done to them. Clouds did not appear to care. They also disappeared 
and reappeared, apparently at random, refusing to adhere to 
anything resembling good sense or order as Joey understood it. 
Joey did not trust them, and suspected that clouds were things 
made by wizards, or, more horrifyingly, were wizards themselves. 


3 - SUN 


FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT OW FUCK 


Joey had spent an entire day from dawn to dusk watching the sun to 
see what it actually did all day, and had hurt his eyes. This made 
him angry at first, because he had done nothing to the sun and he 
saw no reason why it had to hurt him, and then it made him afraid, 
because if it could hurt him without even touching him what else 


could it do. He then spent some time looking directly into the stream 
of a garden hose to cool his eyes off, wondering what exactly he 
was dealing with and whether he should stop. The sun was more 
mysterious and threatening than even the clouds were, and he 
began to think that the sun was the clouds' boss, probably. Which 
was why it was so strong and bright, just like his Boss. 


4—SKY ARROW THINGS 


SORT OF LIKE BIRDS, BUT REALLY HIGH UP AND 
NOT FLAPPY. NOISY. NOT SURE HOW BIG. DOESNT 
COME DOWN. WHAT ARE THEY POINTING AT??? 


These were perhaps the most mysterious things Joey had ever 
seen. These objects would appear, often making a very loud, 
rumbling sound like thunder, and would point in a direction of the sky 
while moving in that direction. They were obviously trying to get his 
attention, but he had no idea whatsoever what message they were 
trying to send. They also sometimes pointed in different directions, 
which was very confusing. Joey surmised that there were pieces of 
this message that he was missing, but was determined to find out 
just what exactly these things were trying to tell him. 


Joey was sitting on a pile of burning tires, enjoying the way the heat 
felt on his rear, and looking at this list he had made on the side of 
the building. He smoked, and thought. There were so many things 
he didn't understand. He wanted to eventually understand them all, 
so he could be smart and make the Boss proud, but it was the things 
in the sky that interested him most. He was fairly certain that 
learning about what was in the sky would make him happy, and 
would make the Boss happy too. That would be nice. 


But he had no idea how to get there. 
“Joey! Joey, help!” 


Two dead men and a dead woman came up to Joey on his throne of 
burning rubber. One of the men had four arms and wore a chef's 
apron. This was Chef, and he made the best oil soup and 


scrapburgers in town. The other was over 8 feet tall and muscular 
enough to physically tear a car in half, which he would do upon 
request whenever someone was too impatient to unbolt everything 
normally. His name was Awesome, because he was awesome. 


The woman was wearing what Joey thought was a very cute yellow 
sundress and carried an umbrella with a small flamethrower installed 
in it, which, she had explained to Joey previously, was supposed to 
burn the rain before it could make her wet. Joey thought that was 
pretty smart. Her natural, humble intelligence combined with her 
milky eyes and missing lips made her impossible to resist. Her name 
was Flower, because she was very beautiful. Joey had a crush on 
her but was too shy to ever say anything. 


Chef was at the front, and was carrying a small cardboard box with 
pictures and writing on it. He held it up to Joey. 


“Joey, we found this thing, but we don't know what it is. See, wait, 
look, check this out.” 


Chef shook the box, and there was a rattling sound. 


“Joey what the fuck is that, even! | don't want to open it in case it's 
got bugs in it, and bugs creep me the fuck out. It's got words on it 
though, so maybe you could look at them and tell us what's inside?” 


Joey nodded, not wanting to look stupid in front of Flower. “Okay, let 
me see.” 


Chef handed it up to him, and Joey looked at it. 


It said: “LEGO” in white letters on a red and yellow background, and 
the words “Boeing 787 Dreamliner”, which didn't make any sense to 
him. But at the bottom and on other parts he could see the words 
“construction” and “kit” and “toy”, which he knew. 


The picture on the front looked almost exactly like one of the sky 
arrow things. And it was in the sky. It was flying. 


Awesome was Saying very loudly, “What's it say, Joey?! Is it bugs in 
there, or is it, like, a food? Wait, is bugs food sometimes?” 


Flower laughed. “No, dummy, bugs isn't food.” 
Flower's laugh knocked Joey out of his reverie. 


“It's a toy. It's made out of a bunch of pieces, and you put the pieces 
together to make... this thing.” 


Flower put her fists in the air. “Cool! This is gonna be a lot of fun, 
probably!” 


Awesome cracked his knuckles, which produced pops as loud as 
gunshots, and replied, “Yeah! And after we build it up, we can 
smash it! The smashing part is always the funnest part.” 


Chef narrowed his eyes. “Wait. But it's made out of little parts? But 
that means... that means after we smash it we can build it again.” 


Flower gasped and shook Chef by his shirt. “Holy fuck, Chef! We 
can just keep doing it! It's just like cars! Okay, I'll be in charge of 
building, Awesome can be in charge of smashing, and Chef can be 
the boss!” 


The trio walked away, talking excitedly about the prospect of an 
afternoon spent having fun building and smashing things. 


Joey was confused. 


That was a sky arrow thing, he knew it. And that box had parts in it, 
to somehow make one of them. If that was the case, and people 
made toys out of the sky arrow things, then it was possible that the 
sky arrow things were actually machines. 


And you can make machines. 


Think, Joey. You can see it. Gather your tools. 
Forge your people wings of glowing iron, and fly. 


| know you can do it. 


Joey huffed a plume of smoke from his missing nose, and frowned 
in determination. 


“| won't let you down, Boss.” 


Joey Fucknuts Builds a Flying Machine | Joey Fucknuts Takes 
to the Skies » 


Joey Fucknuts Takes to the Skies 


clang 


Clang 
CLANG 


CLANG. 


The sound of metal pealed like church bells throughout the small 
town of Vulture Gulch. 


This wasn't terribly unusual. Metal was altered and molded and 
beaten to form night and day in the poisoned desert burg, by men 
and women that had forgotten how to sleep and knew only one 
thing: progress. 


They did not know what the word “progress” meant, nor how to spell 
it, but they chased it relentlessly, all the same. 


CLANG! 


And one of these men, the mayor, was hard at work. 


He needed no hammer. He needed no schematics, nor training nor 
any real knowledge at all. He shaped the steel with his heart, 
knowing that what he did was good, and necessary. 


But more tangibly, he shaped it with his fists. 


CLANG! 


Joey Fucknuts punched the steel plate, deforming it greatly. And he 
punched it again. And again. He beat the metal against its 
supporting frame, welding it into place not with fire, but with pure 
physical force. Working it cold, so it kept its crystalline lattice and 
maintained strength without requiring any tempering or annealing. 


He did not understand any of these concepts. He just thought that it 
didn't make sense to work the metal with tools when his fists were 
good enough. 


CLANG! 


He punched it again, each of his knuckles sending sparks flying. The 
metal caved in further. Taking form. Becoming something that he 
understood as clearly as any man understands his god. 


He had waited for a very long time before dragging these pieces into 
the yard. He had thought for long hours, before squeezing any rivets 
into place with his bare hands. He weighed his options and 
considered the path he was to take before lifting any beams or 
struts. 


And he had watched the sky, for many days. 


He was afraid. Joey was always afraid of something, because he 
was a man who thought for long periods of time. Men who think 
cultivate fears as a farmer cares for his crops. 


But while Joey was afraid, and confused, and stupid, he knew that 
he was these things. And he refused to let them stop him, though he 
could feel them pooling in his mind like sludge. 


Joey stopped. It was time for a smoke. 


He pulled his goggles up over the bill of his hat and rested them on 
his forehead. He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of an inside pocket 
of his brown leather bomber jacket. They were labeled 


photographers of over 30 nationalities. Research suggests most, if 
not all, have captured pictures of petroglyphs and scenery around 
Kata Tjuta and Uluru/Ayers Rock in Australia. 


Sample 887-0566: 490 pages, Spanish. A story called "La ultima 
aventura de Don Quijote" and attributed to Miguel de Cervantes. 
While the first few pages are a reasonable simile of Cervantes' style, 
the narration becomes confused and then outright nonsense 
afterwards - notably, Dulcinea's dialogue is unintelligible, and 
Sancho spends several chapters repeatedly crawling out of a muddy 
pool. 


Researcher: Researcher Voct 


Sample 887-3162: 38 sonnets in what was identified as medieval 
Flemish (Antwerp dialect); each sonnet describes in allegorical 
terms the lives and political accomplishments of a deceased 
President of the United States; the last line of each sonnet is the 
President's last words, and the first several words of each sonnet 
form an acrostic representing a Latinized version of the President's 
name. 


Sample 887-3788: The names and birth weights (in grams) of every 
member of the Parliament of Lithuania, beginning in 1991. 
Note: Produced via SCP-978. 


Sample 887-3789: The names of every attendee of the 1969 
Woodstock Music Festival, in reverse alphabetical order. 
Note: Produced via SCP-978. 


Sample 887-3790: A list of 45 methods with which to permanently 
destroy SCP-682. Each method relies on the use of an SCP or 
related item which has died, been destroyed, or is otherwise 
permanently unavailable. 


Sample 887- 5516: Five pages from the journal of SCP-451, written 
in mirror-reversed Pig Latin. 


Sample 887-1486: Two thousand villanelles, each of which 
describes an SCP. 


“Shallowgraves”, and they had a picture of a smiling skeleton on the 
front. 


He removed three from the pack and lit them all with a blowtorch. 


Joey took a deep drag, then let the smoke flow from the hole where 
his nose used to be. He sighed. The dead man knew that if he 
wasn't focusing on punching the metal, he was going to start to think 
again. But he was tired. He had been working for four months, day 
and night. This was the third break he had taken. 


“Joey!” 


From across the yard came a colossal monster. Eight feet tall and 
weighing nearly half a ton, with a torn, rotted face and muscles that 
bulged under its skin like bridge cables. It wore mismatched rags 
cobbled together to resemble normal clothes. No trousers or shirts 
would ever fit its behemoth frame. This beast was seen frequently 
around town, tearing cars apart with one twist of its massive hands 
and pulling down buildings without so much as a grunt. 


It lumbered up to Joey and smiled with teeth like a row of moldy 
tombstones. 


This was Awesome, one of the nicest guys that Joey had ever met. 
Awesome said, “Hi Joey! Whatcha workin’ on?” 


Awesome was visibly very excited to see Joey and talk to him. 
Awesome was always excited to be doing whatever he was doing at 
the time, especially if it had something to do with one of his friends. 
Which was everyone. 


Joey replied, “Same thing as yesterday.” 


Awesome kept smiling and nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah. Yeah, 
what is it again? | forgot.” 


“It's called an ‘airplane’. It's a car that goes in the sky.” 


This made the seventh time that Awesome had had this explained to 
him, and he reacted the same way every time. 


He put his huge hands up to his head and his eyes widened. 


“Joey. Joey, woah. That's like... Joey | don't even know. That's 
like... You're like a supergenius, Joey.” 


Joey smiled and shook his head. “No, Awesome. The Boss told me 
how to do it. He's the genius. I'm just working, like you.” 


Awesome laughed. “I'm not working right now, though! I'm fucking 
around!” 


Joey nodded. “Me too. But just for a little bit. Then back to work.” 


Awesome seemed suddenly confused, his smile melting away. His 
voice, which had the timbre of a cinderblock being thrown into a 
woodchipper, became plaintive, and diminished. “But Joey. Joey, if 
you make a car that goes into the sky... you could go away. Like, 
away away. Joey, | don't want you to go away. You're my friend.”