egg yolks until well blended and it just starts to lighten in 
color. Add the cream a little at a time, stirring 
continually. Pour the liquid into 6 (7 to 8-ounce) 
ramekins. Place the ramekins into a large cake pan or 
roasting pan. Pour enough hot water into the pan to 
come halfway up the sides of the ramekins. Bake just 
until the creme brulee is set, but still trembling in the 
center, approximately 40 to 45 minutes. Remove the 
ramekins from the roasting pan and refrigerate for at 
least 2 hours and up to 3 days. 


4. The remaining D-class are to be summarily terminated. 


13. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Uther: 


ci 


Three 50-year-old men who find British singer Kate 
Bush to be sexually attractive are to masturbate to her 
song "Wuthering Heights". 


. One 39-year-old Franciscan nun is to scream at the 


three 50-year-old men about the dangers presented by 
eternal damnation. 


. The three 50-year-old men are to repent to the nun 


while weeping. 


. British singer Kate Bush is to make a special guest 


appearance and remind the three 50-year-old men that 
life is short and fleeting, and they shouldn't let the empty 
threats of an oppressive religious institution stop them 
from enjoying what they love. 


. One red-backed buttonquail® is to be swallowed whole 


by British singer Kate Bush. 


14. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Abel: 


1. Just ignore this one. 
2. I'm not even sure WTF-J will know the difference. 


3. It's something stupid with a bunch of dildos and an 
octopus. 

4. Seriously, why bother? WTF-u's just fucking with us at 
this point. 

5. One giant Pacific octopus’ is to be murdered by five 
men armed with plastic dildos as a 19-year-old woman 
of Chinese descent screams "Et tu, Brute?! Then, fall 
Caesar!" 


15. Sub-Procedure 99-Jericho-Lucignolo: 


1. [13/WTF-J CLEARANCE REQUIRED] 
2. There was much rejoicing. 


Description: SCP-WTF-J, if you haven't picked up on this already, 
is literally the worst. 


Footnotes 

1.Gallus domesticus 
2.Conger conger 
3.Crocodylus porosus 
4.Panthera pardus 
5.Raphus cucullatus 
6.Turnix maculosus 
7.Enteroctopus dofleini 


« SCP-555 | SCP-556 | SCP-557 » 


SCP-4357-J: Cooperative Demon 


Item #: SCP-4357-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-4357-J is currently 
contained within a cylindrical space defined by a circular pattern of 
esoteric glyphs written on the floor in red and white chalk, 2.4 m in 
diameter. This design is furthermore surrounded by a square cage 
measuring 5m x 5m x 4m, composed of cold-wrought iron and 
inscribed with glyphs similar to those written in the inner circle. The 
cage is surrounded by a hexagram composed of sea-salt and silver 
dust. 


Any personnel directly interacting with SCP-4357-J must have the 
symbols of at least 3 different religions clearly visible on their person 
at all times, and must be devout in one of them. They should carry a 
spray bottle or mister filled with purified water that has been blessed 
by an ordained clergy-member of the individual's faith. If SCP-4357- 
J becomes uncooperative or hostile, personnel are authorized to 
spray it with the water in order to provoke compliance. 


Description: SCP-4357-J is a red-skinned humanoid standing 3 
meters tall and massing approximately 200 kilograms. It has a 
barbed tail, two leathery wings emerging from its shoulderblades, 
and two curved, sharpened horns immediately above its eyes. It is 
naked, but does not possess any visible primary or secondary 
sexual characteristics. SCP-4357-J constantly emits heat in the 
range of 40-50 degrees Celsius, and occasionally as high as 95 
degrees when angered. It does not appear to require food or sleep 
and is in an almost-constant state of agitation. It frequently insults 
staff members' intelligence and skill, specifically citing their 
incompetence in containing it. 


Interview Logs: 


06/06/19 
Agent : Please identify your purpose here. 


SCP-4357-J: Fuck you, man! You don't know me, you 
don't know what | am, you don't know what | can do! 
Hell, you don't even know how to keep me here! | mean, 
what are you, amateurs? You don't even have any holy 
water with you! How the hell are you supposed to drive 
me back if | decide to attack you! 


Agent : | see. Please wait here. Someone will 
return shortly. 


06/07/19 


Agent __, a devout Catholic: Please remain at least 10 
feet from me or I'll spray you. 


SCP-4357-J: Dumbfuck. You think these wings are just 
for show? | could fly over and rip your throat out before 
you could pull that trigger. Shit, man, where's the 
goddamned summoning circle? Or the protective 
hexagram? You guys don't know jackshit. Hell, go get 
me some chalk and I'll show you myself! 


Agent _ _: That seems like a good idea. 


Agent _ leaves the containment chamber and 
returns 35 minutes later with a box of white chalk 
sticks. He hands the box to SCP-4357-J, who 
immediately proceeds to spend the next 15 minutes 
rapidly creating the pattern currently used for 
containment. 


SCP-4357-J: And THAT is how you make a proper 
summoning circle. All the runes in place, everything nice 
and neat. NOW, if | step in it like this, it'll be hard for me 
to get out! 


SCP-4357-J tries to step out of the circle and bumps 
against an unseen barrier. 


SCP-4357-J: Oh, FUCK ME! 
07/13/19 


SCP-4357-J had, unusually for it, spent 3 hours 
crouched at the center of the containment ring, 
occasionally reaching forward to tap the barrier with 
its claws. At 1734 hours, it suddenly leaped straight 
upwards, unturling its wings as it rose. Upon 
reaching the ceiling 6 meters above, it dug its claws 
into the concrete and crawled along it, outside the 
perimeter of the containment ring. 


SCP-4357-J: Hah! | thought those things only went up 
15 feet or so. I'm free, suck-asses! 


Agents and runinto the room, whereupon they 
use spray bottles to spritz SCP-4357-J with holy 
water until it returns to the interior of the original 
containment diagram. 


SCP-4357-J: Shit! That hurts, motherfuckers! Doesn't 
matter much, though; I'll just jump out again. It's not like 
you can put up a cage that'll hold me, either. | can bust 
through anything other than wrought-iron that has the 
words of Solomon on it, and where the unholy fuck are 
you going to find THAT nowadays, huh? 


07/14/19 


Foundation metalworkers install a wrought-iron cage 
under the supervision and blessing of Rabbi 


SCP-4357-J: Shit. 
10/01/19 
Rabbi : Are you any more agreeable today, demon? 


SCP-4357-J: Hey, I'm doing fine, pork-breath. You 
cocksuckers are the ones with a problem. Blood and 
brimstone, you fuckers couldn't even build the cage right! 


I've been testing it and | could rattle it apart and get free 
before you dickheads could even get in here with that 
thrice-be-damned holy water! 


Rabbi : But what about the words of Solomon? They 
command you to stay. 


SCP-4357-J: Oh, for fuck's sake, Rabbi Pigfucker. You 
of all people should know that the Seal of Solomon is a 
hexagram. No star to hold me and | can run wild as soon 
as you motherfuckers turn your backs! 


Rabbi : We have plenty of chalk, demon. | wager 
that | can draw a Seal before you could escape. 


SCP-4357-J: Rabbi, Rabbi, Rabbi. I'm actually 
disappointed in your stupidity. You really think that chalk 
is good enough to hold a Seal? Why do you think all 
those back-wood fuckstains talk about using salt and 
silver to hold back the monsters in the dark? They're 
remembering us, and what drives us back. 


Rabbi : Thank you, demon. You've been... 
educational, as always. 


SCP-4357-J: FUCK! No, wait, forget | said that! | was, 
uh, lying! Yeah! That's us demons, always lying our 
asses off! Can't trust a word we say! 


12/19/19 


Agent _, devout Buddhist: Hello, SCP-4357. | have a 
question for you today. 


SCP-4357-J: Fuck off, asshole. | ain't saying nothing to 
you shitheads any more. You keep locking me down 
tighter. 


Agent : This is actually a very simple question that has 
been bothering me for a while: why didn't you escape 
before we set up all this? 


Agent gestures at the then-current containment 
protocols. SCP-4357-J looks stricken, with its mouth 
hanging open, for approximately 30 seconds. 


SCP-4357-u: I- | didn't- | thought tha- Oh, GOD DAMN 
IT! 


SCP-4357-J proceeds to throw itself against the 
containment barriers more violently than usual for 90 
hours, 17 minutes, yelling a constant stream of 
invective the entire time. 


Note: Current containment protocols are the result of many 
interviews with SCP-4357-J. Further adjustments may be warranted 
depending on any future comments. 


New Technical Issues 


Welcome to the Technical Issues page. You are all free 
to ask me about any issue you might be having (with a 
computer, mind you), | will try and assist you in resolving 
those issues. Don't be bashful about asking me 
questions, | probably won't mess with your clearance 
level if you aggravate me. Probably. Mark your request 
with the date at the bottom of the page, | will answer all 
questions in the order received. Your call is very 
important to us... 

~Technical Researcher Rosen 


Due to a... charmingly high number of requests, | am no 
longer responding to inquiries related to the following 
subjects and bodily functions. 


¢ Semen, whether human or animal 

« Any other sexual excretion 

¢ Really, anything gross coming out of a human 
body is your own problem. 

¢ Any other equally horrible things | haven't thought 
of at time of writing. 


Anything added to this page relating to anything on this 
list will be deleted summarily, and we will be very, very 
cross with you. 


Note: 03-22-12 

Hey Rose, | just installed enabled wireless access on one of my 
younger robots and you know how it is, it seems like a good idea to 
connect to random access points because viruses only hit bad 
robots. Long story short, despite programming it to always monitor 
downloads and make safe connections, | think my robot may have 
contracted E-AIDS. Anything you can do to help? - Junior Research 
Assistant Dr. Gravity 


Here's my advice: Tell your robot to get itself 
defragmented and to inform all the data ports it may 
have interfaced with over the last month to get 
themselves scanned. It's the responsible thing to do. 
~Rosen 


Note: 03-22-12 
Do EMPs work on those damn kids skateboarding on my street? If 
so, can we use one? -Research Assistant Reject 


Sorry dude. EMPs only nail electronic stuff. Unless those 
teens are androids, that wouldn't work. However, | can 
refer you to munitions, and I'm sure they would love to 
hook you up. Happy hunting! 

~Rosen 


Note: 03-22-12 
Do EMPs work on jail guards? -Research Assistant Reject 


Note: 03-23-12 

The security camera in my holding cell is emitting a high pitched 
buzz and the intercom is yelling at me in what sounds like the 
language associated with Gol Alpha-388. Are they supposed to be 
doing that? 

~'Prisoner' NEXER 


| think the more important question we ought to ask is 
this: how does a prisoner have network access from his 
cell? 

~Rosen 


Note: 03-23-12 

Rosen, do me a favor and re-enable my status. Pat was a jackass 
lunatic, but he was thorough. I've been dodging misdirected 
"demonstrationtion to D-class" orders since Pat threw his hissy fit. 
Also, | may or may not have sent this through someone else's 
workstation, as mine has attempted to kill me on three different 
occasions despite not having any self-propelling mechanism. ~ Dr. 
Martin Engineer Kap 


Yeah... about that. Y'see, Pat was pretty anal about his 


security protocols. So much so, that he didn't disengage 
them before he mysteriously disappeared. I've been 
going through his notes to try and find what he actually 
did, but most of it is just him ranting about somebody 
names "Dumont the Destroyer" and long winded 
eulogies about pudding. The best | can do is transfer you 
to work that exempts you from the monthly execution 
until | can get this figured out. How does "Procedure 110- 
Montauk" sound? 

~Rosen 


Note: 03-23-12 

Hey Rosen, my computer was being a little slow a minute ago, so | 
tried to increase the voltage that the computer received to around 
10 kW more. | thought it made sense because more power makes 
more energy, right? Well, it didn't work. | tried looking online for a fix, 
and they suggested | delete something called win32. After doing 
that, | kept getting errors or something like that. A colleague of mine 
told me he could format the BIOS for me, and | graciously accepted; 
yet that still did not work. | have tried many fixes, and right now my 
computer is kind of on fire. I'm not worried about that, though. How 
can | make my computer work again, maybe to where | can make it 
faster? ~ Dr. Taylor 


Try to download some more RAM. If that doesn't work, 
reformat your ZIP drive. If all else fails, reboot it twice 
and call me in the morning. 

~Rosen 


Note: 03-23-12 

Rosen, for some reason, my inbox keeps getting spam sent to it. 
The strangest thing about it is that they all say something along the 
lines of, "To the Past Me: X", with the the X being something 
mundane that apparently has ‘harsh consequences on the future’. 
I've done all the things that it says will cause ‘the disruption of the 
timeline’, and so far nothing of ill consequence has happened. 
Should | chalk this up as a prank, or should | be worried? ~Dr. 
Nyehcat 


Unless your computer has an external TARDIS drive or a 
flux capacitor wireless adaptor, | wouldn't lose much 


sleep over it. 
~Rosen 


Note: 03-23-12 

... would like to recommend that you upgrade your firewall, as it is 
someone dangerous could get network access. 

~'Prisoner' NEXER 


"...SPACE | would like to recommend that you upgrade 
your firewall SEMICOLON As it is COMMA someone 
dangerous could get ACCESS TO the network." 

You can't really expect me to take you seriously if you 
aren't using proper grammar, sport. 

~Rosen 


Note: 03-24-12 

| think there's some kind of malfunction in the Site 38 vending 
machines. The guy swears he's putting Cheez-Puffs in, but they 
disappear almost as soon as the guy leaves. I'm afraid there might 
be a heretofore undocumented SCP inhabiting Site 38, possibly a 
dark eldritch terror whose lust for death and pain can be slated only 
with Cheez-Puffs. And also death and pain. But just in case it's that 
kid we keep locked in the basement, how do | request land mines for 
the detention level? | think it'll slow him down. ~Mr. Eskobar 


Now the trick here is how strong you want your mine to 
be. You don't want to blow up the snacks along with the 
thief, but you also want to make sure he's crippled. I'll 
send the catalog your way. 

~Rosen 


Note: 03-25-12 
Hey Rosen, should | take the red pill or the blue pill? ~Dr. Epsilon 


If strange men in trenchcoats are offering you pills, you 
have bigger issues to worry about then what your friendly 
neighborhood tech support thinks. 


~Rosen 


Note: 03-25-12 
MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS STUCK WHAT DO I DO? ~Dr. Edison 


TRY HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT KEY WHILE 
TYPING UNTIL | CAN REQUISITION YOU A NEW 
KEYBOARD. PERHAPS SEE IF ONE OF YOUR 
COWORKERS WILL LOAN YOU ONE. IF YOU CAN, 
TRY TO UNSTICK THE BUTTON. LET ME KNOW IF 
YOU DO SO | DON'T HAVE TO ORDER A NEW 
KEYBOARD BECAUSE FILLING OUT THOSE DAMN 
HUNDRED PAGE REQUISITION FORMS IS A 
HASSLE. 

~ROSEN 


Note: 03-26-12 

Saluto te, Rosen.