aware, it wasn't us that killed him. 


It was certainly concerning that they took the brain. 


of late the 
dreams have changed 


a little bit from what they used to 
be because | no longer go to the sunset and 
there aren't any birds there only men of iron and steel 
who are riding on steeds made of copper and formaldehyde and 
the whole thing just reeks and the stench of arcing 
makes me want to vomit but | keep my mouth 
shut tight and the contents of my stomach 
ram against the inwards facing side 
of my teeth and | coat 
the graves below 
in digestive 
juice 


but there 
is a way to stop 
the awful things that 
we created, because a free crow 
flies higher and further and greater than 
uncountable crows in cages so we, that is, | 
and the rest of the seers of seabirds in sleep went 
to try and save the rest of the dreamspace 
from the awful things that the fracking 
of the sky had brought into existence 
the whole industrial machine could 
be undone from the core of it if 
only we could recall that vital 
piece of information which 
for some reason was the 
one thing somehow 
not etched deep 
pitch in our 
heads 


we don't know 
where we left 
the birds. 


He told me the birds were in Memoriam. | never really 
understood what he meant by that. But, well, y'know. 


Poets don't write to be understood. 


On The Efficiency Of Various Postal Services 


Letter | 

(addressed via UK Post Office to the original recipient of SCP-2699- 
A, retrieved from Norfolk police station during a routine check, about 
two weeks after initial containment of SCP-2699 by the Foundation) 


Mr 5 


My employer (hallowed be His name) has just asked me 
to follow up on our request to you dated / / 


| remind you that said request was clearly stated as 
urgent. To this day we have received no report from you. 


| honestly think that a week is sufficient for someone as 
competent as you are said to be to study the creatures 
we sent you, write a report and email it to me. 


Before writing this | contacted the relevant authorities: 
you are still alive. | demand that either you get in touch 
with me and explain why you have done nothing yet; or, 
preferably, that you send me this report, which is 
impatiently expected by my employer. 


| can assure you that you do not want to incur the Wrath 
of my employer by not responding. One of the authorities 
mentioned above is, as you certainly know, also under 
the orders of my employer; he would very much 
appreciate gaining a new permanent occupant of his 
dominion, and giving him the special treatment reserved 
for disobedient underlings. 


Regards 


Larry Filmore 


Production Intern 
Eden Creations 


u.snoitaercnedeleromlif.yrral#u.snoitaercnede| 
eromlif.yrral 


Letter Il 

(Unstamped and unpostmarked letter, delivered along with the usual 
mail to "Alan Beale, Senior Researcher in charge of SCP-2699, The 
Foundation, Site-131, Building B5", two days after the retrieval of 
Larry Filmore's letter.) 


Mr. Beale, 


There is also a special treatment for incompetent 
underlings, and it is now being applied. 


Hallowed be my name, apparently. 


You are Senior Researcher Alan Beale, aged 48, you 
have a wife and two grown daughters. You have been 
working for the organisation named the Foundation for 
19 years. 


Interesting, this Foundation. | obviously approve of its 
"Thou shalt not kill’ policy concerning anomalous 
creatures - which are of course my creatures, with few 
exceptions. However, | strongly disapprove of your policy 
of 'Thou shalt kill right, left and centre, all the time and 
without any scruple or remorse’ in regards to human 
beings whom you call 'D-Class'. | command you to stop 
doing this as of right now. 


But | digress. 


You are currently in charge of the creatures you 
collectively call SCP-2699. | have entrusted these 
creatures for study to someone who was recommended 
to me; no report has been forthcoming. | am 
unpleasantly surprised that the creatures are now in your 
care; and though you have been studying them, still no 


report. 


The time I've spent investigating the whereabouts of 
these creatures, the activities of the Foundation and your 
personal identity could have been spent studying these 
creatures directly; but for this, | need said creatures. 


Consequently, | demand that: 

- either you ship them back to me. The original container 
will do; 

- or, preferably, you write the expected report, taking into 
account the details of my original request, and send it to 
me. Filmore's email address is still valid. 


You have one week. 


Chief Executive Officer 


Eden Creations 


Letter Ill 
(delivered in a Foundation internal mail pouch by a unicorn on Dr 
Beale's office desk a few minutes after he finished reading Letter II.) 


Greetings, Al, how are you, my child? 
Listen, what is this about 2699? 


One thing is certain about the letter you received a few 
minutes ago: | didn't write it. And if the writer says his 
name should be hallowed, it is an impostor. Pretending 
to be me is not hallowed. 


By the way, when are you planning to visit me so we can 
indulge in our common love of puns? 


Or rather, when could | visit you? Now | know about 
2699, | would like to have a look if you don't mind. Just 
out of pure curiosity, you understand. These creatures 
are highly intriguing. Who has never dreamed of petting 
a velociraptor? And if you, my friend, have tried, you 
probably need my healing powers! Drop me a note when 


contemporaneous events appear and are revised only 
after the relevant events occur. 


Note: Seems like we're seeing the draft take shape on 
the actual newsprint. Interesting. — Dr. Kowalski 


Name: Dr. Hadian 
Date: 2/15/2017 
Total Items: Five (5) complete decks of Tarot cards. 


Input: One (1) complete deck of Tarot cards 
Setting: Coarse 

Output: A fine dust containing particles of wood and 
plastic. 


Input: One (1) complete deck of Tarot cards 
Setting: Rough 
Output: A loose pile of ink-stained cards. 


Input: One (1) complete deck of Tarot cards 
Setting: 1:1 
Output: A complete deck of Tarot cards, shuffled. 


Input: One (1) complete deck of Tarot cards 

Setting: Fine 

Output: A deck of Tarot cards with three drawn out and 
placed in a row in front of it: an upside-down King of 
Cups, an upside-down III - The Empress, and a right- 
side-up Two of Cups. 


Input: One (1) complete deck of Tarot cards 

Setting: Very Fine 

Output: An orbicular device resembling a "Magic 8-Ball,” 
composed entirely of wood and plastic. The device 
accurately and consistently answered simple questions. 
Stored securely for future testing. 

Note: | asked it if | would have any girlfriends for the next 
two years. The answer is more depressing than | 
thought. -Dr. Wittig 


you have time. 


Needless to say, neither you nor the Foundation have to 
do anything for that impostor. But if possible, I'd like you 
to investigate and report to me about who it could be. 
This way, we would have several reasons to meet at 
Site-131: puns, intriguing creatures, healing, and report. 
What say you? 


Hope to see you soon! 


SCP-343 


Letter IV 
(Note from Senior Researcher Alan Beale to SCP-343, delivered by 
Foundation internal mail pouch three days after reception of Letter 


Ill) 


THANK YOU for a very enjoyable afternoon of 
"research"! 


"Inside job". My God, you are such a rascal! Still 
chuckling over this one. 


Eden Creations should really look into their goods: a 
house cat, 5.63 or not, is NOT supposed to play fetch. 


Oh, and of course you are right: Lagavulin is better than 
Red Johnnie Walker. Just wanted to annoy you! 


Sorry about the plain mail pouch delivery: we're flat out 
of unicorns here... 


Alan 


Letter V 

(addressed by Senior Researcher Alan Beale to "Chief Executive 
Officer, Eden Creations" via unstamped, unpostmarked letter, 
slipped into a UK Post Office Mailbox 6 days, 22 hours and 49 
seconds after reception of Letter II) 


Dear Sir, 


Please receive my utmost sincerest apologies for not 
getting back to you sooner. | did try the email address 
provided by Mr. Larry Filmore to keep you posted, but it 
did not work. | plan to try something else for the present 
note; | do hope you shall receive this. 


Concerning the creatures: | examined them carefully, 
and also consulted an eminent colleague specialised in 
this sort of case. We arrived independently at the same 
conclusion: it is certainly an inside job. | respectfully but 
strongly advise you to look into the recent (and probably 
hidden) hobbies of your apprentices. 


As for sending the creatures back to you: | do not have 
your postal address, and the method | plan for this letter 
will not work for a container weighing several tons. 
Consequently, here's my suggestion: 

- you give me a ‘launch window’: day + range of about 4 
hours; 

- starting in the early minutes of that launch window, | 
place the four creatures and their accessories in the 
original container, just outside Building B5 of Foundation 
Site-131; 

- you pick up the container at your convenience, within 
the last hour of launch window, by any means agreeable 
to you. 


IMPORTANT: please, please do give that poor Mexican 
man a full skin cover and functional limb joints ASAP 


Looking forward to hearing from you, | remain 
Respectfully yours, 

Alan Beale 

Senior Researcher 


Building B5, "Forest Park Research Centre", ; 
Norfolk, IP24 , United Kingdom 


Letter VI 

(delivered unstamped to the address provided in Letter V, received 
with the rest of the mail by Senior Researcher Alan Beale one day 
after posting Letter V) 


Mr Beale, 


It has come to our attention that you are in possession of 
another counterfeit good, which we would like returned 
with the others. 


The creature in question is known to you by the 
designation SCP-348, and to us by the designation 
"Feel-Good Goa". It is a low-quality copy of our own 
Creator line, a line so exclusive only one unit was ever 
created. 


While this counterfeit unit displays at least some of the 
powers associated with our Creator line, it has been 
loaded with the New Testament 1.0 software, instead of 
the appropriate Old Testament 1.0 software used for our 
"Wrathful God" model. Additionally, the counterfeit unit 
shows signs of dementia, and will frequently indulge in 
ridiculous, nonsensical behavior, as well as bizarre 
displays of its powers. Its existence has been known to 
us for some time, but it was thought to be lost until now. 


Be sure to include this fifth counterfeit unit in the 
container. 


Regards 

Donald Corson 
Production Intern 
Eden Creations 


u.snoitaercnede|nosroc.dlanod#u.snoitaercnede| 
nosroc.dlanod 


Letter VII 


(Same method of expedition as Letter V, addressed to "Mr Donald 
Corson, Eden Creations", sent same day as reception of Letter VI) 


Mr Corson, 


| advise you to contact your Internet provider: your email 
does not work either. 


We asked SCP-343, who wishes to stay with us. 


We understand that, as any of the sapient creatures 
designed by Eden Creations, SCP-343 is entitled to free 
will; the Foundation shall therefore abide by SCP-343's 
choice. 


The container (without the creatures) is already placed in 
front of Building B5, Site-131. Awaiting your good 
pleasure re: launch window. 


Regards, 
Alan Beale 


Letter VIII 
(from Senior Researcher Alan Beale, delivered by Foundation 
internal mail pouch to SCP-343, 10 days after sending Letter VII) 


Right. It seems that SCP-2699 are going to stay with us 
after all. Bloody waste of time. 


| am pleased that you opted to stay with us too, and 
would like you to pay another visit to my office, Site-131, 
Building B5, at your earliest convenience, for several 
purposes: 


1) Pedro definitely needs a full skin cover and functional 
limb joints. | believe you can do this for him. 


And while we're at it: 


2) Stone age Skunk would be happier with normal front 
paws, 


3) Frogaphant would be happier with normal elephant 
skin, 


Plus: 


4) | am still curious as to who exactly made them and 
Fetching Cat Raptor. Inside job at Eden Creations - 
probably, but not necessarily an apprentice, now | think 
about it. Another of their creatures, perhaps? 


5) | am also curious about Eden Creations, and you're in 
a position to know about them. Care to share now? 


That's five reasons to meet again here. 


Looking forward to an afternoon of Earl Grey tea and 
serious talk with you, 


Alan Beale 
Foundation Senior Researcher 


almighty tired of divinities whose powers are limited to 
sending and receiving letters. 


On the Foundation’s Practice of the International System 
of Units and the Urgency for a Novel System of 
Measurements 


Dr. Edward A. Llewellyn, Esq. 

Senior Researcher 

Mail Box 3795, Site- 
gro.noitadnuof|nyllewellae#gro.noitadnuof|nyllewellae 


2/ December 20 


05-1 through O5-13 

The Overseer Council 

[DATA EXPUNGED] 
gro.noitadnuof|uoyeesnaci#gro.noitadnuof|uoyeesnaci 


To the Overseer Council, 


Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that the Systeme 
international d'unités (Sl), upon which we base our 
work’s measurement, has become strained by over- 
efficient use in the Foundation. We have researchers 
able to translate liters to cubic meters in an instant; 
containment specialists who understand the relationship 
between a milliliter of water and the gram; and even 
Class-D personnel who can reliably conceptualize 
between nanometers and hectometers. This threatens 
the very lifeblood of the Foundation. 


How can we consider ourselves a proper, oversized 
bureaucracy if not burdened by unnecessary processes? 
How can the Foundation survive without the constant 
turnover of frustrated personnel? How can we pursue our 
mission to Secure, Contain, Protect if not inhibited by 
constant miscommunication? 


The answer is simply, we cannot. 


However, the solution to our crisis must be one of 
extreme convolution; one to minimize understanding and 
familiarity at all costs, while remaining applicable to the 
Foundation’s research. Neither the metric system, which 
has resulted in our present predicament, nor the Imperial 
system, too familiar for our numerous Liberian and 
Burmese colleagues, can serve this purpose. Therefore, 
| have found another. 


Deep in the heart of the internet, there exists a system of 
measurements known as “FFF” for “Freedom from 
Foundations” “Fortississimo” “Furlong/Firkin/Fortnight”. 
These units, equivalent to 201.17 m (220 yd), 40.82 kg 
(90 lbs) and 1.21x10® s (14 days) respectively, provide 
the very sense of confusion that the Foundation 
demands. | outline this system in more depth for your 
humble appreciation in the annex of this letter. 


The furlong/firkin/fortnight system, in its advantages, is 
neither decimal nor universal, nor recognizable to most 
personnel. Its internal relationship is more incoherent 
than the Imperial system and its base units are entirely 
impractical. The FFF system is the antithesis of the 
efficacy of the Systeme international d'unités, and thus 
serves to answer the Foundation’s most vital prayers. 


| admonish you, please heed my advice and abandon 
the Systéme international d'unités without haste, and 
adopt furlongs, firkins and fortnights. If these shadows of 
order remain unchanged, | see chambers filled with 
anomalous entities where empty chairs once sat. 


Very respectfully, 


Dr. Edward A. Llewellyn, Esq. 
Senior Researcher, Site- 


Annex: Units of the FFF System 


+ Base units of the FFF system: 


Furlong (fur), distance 

Firkin (fir), mass 

Fortnight (ftn), time 

Fahrenheit (°F), temperature 
Franklin (Fkn), current 

Ferrum (fer), amount 

Friedrich (Fdh), luminous intensity 


+ Derived units of the FFF system: 


Flach (fch), area; furlong