| have always found the works of Dickens and Hawthorne most 
interesting, for the good gentlemn elucidate the status of the 
working-class in a manner which Providence and circumstance have 
prevented me from observing first-hand; | do, however, find his 
tendencies towards sesquipedalianity to be most bothersome and 
distracting. (| am told that the news-papers of London pay writers of 
fiction by the word for their serials; had | the inclination to do so, | 
could easily have become their equal without setting foot outside 
London!) 


| must confess to not being largely familiar with the works of James 


or Burnett, though | had occasion to read Hardy's The Mayor of 
Casterbridge while traveling aboard the Orient Express in eighty- 
nine; | found it to be a most horrifying tale of how even a man of an 
intellectual disposition and a repentant nature, regardless of the 
circumstances of his birth, might rise to fame and glory only to fall 
even beyond the point from which he had begun. | immediately upon 
having finished it offered Deeds an additional pound per year on his 
salary, though he graciously declined the offer. 


Goodwill writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


If circumstances came to be so unfortunate, would you sooner retire 
as a naturalist and adventurer, or denounce your loyalty to England 
and her Church? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


| should sooner be flayed alive and made a feast for cannibals, Mr. 
Goodwill, than denounce England and her Church. God in His 
wisdom has made the laws of science rigid and eternal; but our 
church and our state are things of men, temporal and vulnerable. 
The Earth shall not move or fall asunder if | abandon it, but England, 
for the want of a single loyal subject to wave her banner, could 
easily be lost to history. It is the duty of all her subjects to do their 
best to ensure that this doom may never come to pass. 


ChOO0bakka wirtes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


Have you heard about the phenomenon of "Lizstomania"? Some 
fellows at the Royal Foundation for the Study of Curiosities and 
Phantasmagoria claim that it may be cause by some supernatural or 
otherwise abnormal effect centered on Mr. Lizst. Have you ever 
come into contact with anything like this in your travels? And do you 
find Mr. Lizst as dreamy as | do? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Ah, Liszt! | must confess | briefly contracted the "Liszt fever" in forty- 
one. My participations in the Great Austrian Warlock Hunt brought 
me to Berlin, where | found the young composer beset on all sides 
by fanatical ladies. | assisted the man in making his way to the 
safety of his hotel, where he favored me with a private performance. 
Had | been born a lady, | think | might have proposed marriage to 
him - but common sense prevailed, and | beat a hasty retreat before 
embarrassing myself. 


Dr. Rights writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


| want your babies. Preferably human ones though this isn't 
absolutely a requirement. How do you think I should go about 
achieving this goal? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Ah, a lady has come a-courting! Splendid! Tell me, ma'am, what 
pastimes do you fancy? What is your favorite colour? Are you, | 
hope, Church of England? 


Emissary the Sixth writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


Have you ever, intentionally or accidentally, swapped bodies with 
that of another organism? 

Also, what is, in your experience, the best way to avoid giving into 
the urge to murder someone? 


P.S. Have you ever heard the joke about the man everyone thought 
was a sea slug? 


Shulk writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


A girl that | had been in love with for the longest time was recently 
killed by an army of robots. How would | go about avenging her? 


Regards, Shulk 


Heropon Riki writes: 
Dear Blackwoodpon, 


How do | become world famous greatest heropon ever? 


Major Tom writes: 


What do you feel, regarding to the current queen, Queen Elizabeth 
II? Hopefully she’s as good as Queen Victoria? 


John Swindle writes: 


Salutations once again Lord Blackwood! | must open with an 
apology- while | have commissioned your portrait several times over, 
I've simply been unable to procure an artist with sufficient talent to 
accurately capture your virility on canvas, much less the fine details 
of your prouadly-worn scars. | will happily accept recommendations 
to this end from you. Having said that, | find a collegue of mine to 
be in a most unfortunate bind. Having recently claimed victory over 
a thaumaturge with my assistance, and against my insistence to the 
contrary, he had chosen to take into possession said thaumaturge’s 
weapon, which | believe to be the cause of his transmutation into a 
telepathic lamprey. Thus | consult your expertise- do you know of 
any means by which men can reverse this transmutation? I'm afraid 
this is a matter of some urgency. You see, my collegue is in a state 
of grave distress precisely as one might expect from being made 
aware of such a traumatic experience, and | fear that with such 


distress (of which the body of a lamprey is naturally ill-equipped to 
endure), the thaumaturge may yet at last claim his life. | will procure 
any cures of which you know post haste, though due to the 
experiences | have described herein, | would very much prefer that 
no cure involve me procuring and subsequently lending my trust to a 
practitioner of thaumaturgy. 


Yours in Christ, 
J.C.S. 


Dr. Andre writes: 

What's cooler than being cool? 

Lord Blackwood replies: 

The state of being chilled in a fashion comparable to frozen water. 
SCP-275 writes: 

Dear Mr Blackwood, 


| have been informed that you were alive in the nineteenth century, 
and were quite the world traveler. Might you have ever visited 
Ottoman territory and heard of, or possibly even met, a young girl 
with impenetrable skin? If so, would you have any knowledge as to 
her origins, or perhaps her name? 


| ask purely out of idle curiosity. 
Trinitite writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


How do you feel about the Foundation classifying you as 
anomalous? 


Guilliman writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


As you are a devout man, | was wondering if you were aware of 
SCP-343, and if you are, what is your opinion on him? 


Bryx writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


| should like to inform you that the "World Wide Web", the entity 
which your most adept servant has been liaising with on your behalf, 
is not, in fact, a periodical, but a hub of information which any 
sentient being can access by the use of a very common terminal 
that is connected to it. Please give us your views regarding these 
developments, not least the fact that your audience and pool of 
eager contributors is much larger than you may have originally 
anticipated. 


"Banzai" Bill writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


| have recently come into the possession of a number of artefacts of 
the most unusual and diverse variety, and | have had some difficulty 
in operating one of them. Are you perchance familiar with a 
shoulder-mounted miniature-cannon/rifle designed to, in the words 
of the message found alongside it, "shoot Magnetism"? 

And while | think of it, did you ever manage to discover how that 
magma rifle we found in '83 (| was the porter's son) automatically 
replenished its ammunition? The cache of aforementioned artefacts 
contained an identical device, and as there are now multiples, am 
willing to attempt disassembly of mine, but wished to inquire as to 
whether you have had any success with yours. 


Lady Gertrude E. Hamilton writes: 


What the fuck is WRONG with you, Theo? | haven't seen you in 
weeks, you haven't replied to any of my telegrams - your servants 
say you're just going through some shit, but three weeks is long 
enough, man! Until now, | could never understand why the Duchess 
of Brabant said you were trash, and that | could do way better, but 
this whole experience has finally opened my fucking eyes! If you 
don't respond to this, we are THROUGH! And | MEAN it this time! 


Ask Dr. Spanko 


== Gate of Babel v. 0.3 (Pre-Alpha) == 
Copyright: SCP Foundation, 20 


Happy times, mimes!! 

Cack! Am christened Herr Doktor Spankoflex, colloquially 
namesplapped with Essy-Pee toothreethree and Steven! You, sir, 
are oculating my spidersteps2, which the good Mr. Lightbulb? has 
indubitably mashed potato one blinkboxS for yours truly. 


Cack! He hollers that if I'm a muffin little puffin? Mister Boss Man’ 
will serve a sardine sandwich to faucet police’, and hand me the 
right to reply to send-saws? from God or Bog and all his Saints and 
Angels!10 


So start flapping your jaws, 0 pioneers! The mayonnaise of Tuesday 
is never sunny side up!"1 


Editor's Note: 


Sorry about the spotty translation of SCP-2337's 
gibberish. I've got at least three Euclids that are 
potentially going Keter by the end of the week, and I've 
wasted enough time building a keyboard with a "Cack!" 
button to worry about finding someone to write an 
English-Spanko Dictionary. 


Thankfully, the guys in the linguistics department hooked 
me up with some software that they wanted me to test. 
It's supposed to be able to analyze these sort of english- 
based pseudo-languages and provide clarification for 
some of the more incomprehensible bits. The results 
have been mixed, but it's better than nothing. 


Anyway, just leave any questions you have in the section 
below, and I'll try to get an answer out of SCP-2337. 


-Dr. Edison 
+ Template 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 
[THIS IS WHERE THE QUESTION GOES] 
-[YOUR NAME HERE] 


+ Unanswered Questions 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

I'm considering getting a pet to brighten up 
my quarters. Which would be the better 
option for a junior researcher, a European 
Swallow or a Norwegian Blue? 

-RA Janice Hawknest 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

What do you think would be the best way to 
killcontain a 5m humanoid that can spit 
acid? 

-Dr. Gabriel 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

Big fan, love the spidersteps. Forgive me if 
this question has already been asked, but | 
just had to know... Has anyone really been 
far even as decided to use even go want to 
do look more like? 

-Junior Researcher Lees 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

My little brother has been bugging me all 
week. He keeps asking me the same 
question, and for the life of me | can't come 
up with an answer that satisfies him. I'm 
hoping you can help me out. The question 
is this: do examples of personal 


achievement stemming from internal 
motivation conflict with or corroborate the 
concept of predetermined destiny? 

-Dr. Welsch 


Kjzere Doktor Spanko, 

Uheldigvis er jeg ikke flytende i Basisk 
Angler, Kunne du hjelpe meg a lzre? 
-Doktor Tannpirke 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

How do you eat gummy worms with a 
beak? It's just not working for me. 
-Dr. Beakman 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

I'm trying to explain what "cack" means to 
a... friend... who really, really doesn't 
understand Basic Angler. Can you help me 
out? 

-RA Kyle Jostens 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

I'm an in-development Foundation Artificial 
Intelligence Assistant! Could you tell me a 
little about yourself for my database? 
-Diane.aic 


+ Answered Questions 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

I'm madly in love with the woman of my 
dreams, but she barely knows | exist! How 
do | get her to notice me? 

-Loveless in Site 19 


It easy peasy! Cack! 

All need doing is the the happy lettuce dance12! 
Primarily, butt heads with master big!S. Don't hesitate to 
inflate and sing the happy death song!4 until mister big 
loses his Munster. If that don't work, rub your face in jell- 


SCP-793: The Ghost Sickness 


Item #: SCP-793 
Object Class: Euclid 
Zone of Denial (Current): 13.4 meters 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-793 is to be marked with 
stakes marking the perimeter of the "Zone of Denial" (A base 
distance of 13.4 meters from each side of the Medicinal 
Center is to be marked as the Zone of Denial, with a second 
perimeter extending the Zone of Denial out an extra 50 meters to be 
regarded as the "Restricted Zone"). Signs - placed on the perimeter 
of the Zone of Denial - must state "No Unauthorized Entrance" in the 
following languages: English, French, Swahili, Luba-Kasai, Kikongo, 
and Luganda. When testing, access is to be restricted to Class-Ds. 
No other Foundation personnel are to be allowed entrance. The 
future installation of security cameras around the hospital is a 
possibility. 


Description: SCP-793 is described as a hyper-reproductive 
paranormal variation of Human Congo trypanosomiasis (a parasitic 
protozoa also known as the "African Sleeping Sickness") inhabiting 
the abandoned Medicinal Center located in [DATA 
EXPUNGED], built by missionaries in 18 . SCP-793's first 
known appearance was documented in 19 . The hospital was 
subsequently relinquished from use years after due to exponential 
growth of SCP-793, but it was never demolished due to superstitions 
the populous and prominent and tribes held. In 19 , the 
hospital was secured by the Foundation. SCP-793, in its passive 
form, does not appear to exist unless a suitable human host enters 
the Zone of Denial (ZoD), which is currently estimated to be 13.4 
meters from any point around the hospital. 


When a human enters the zone of denial, the organism will appear 
spontaneously inside the human's circulatory system. Unlike a 


o15 and wait 6-8 business days before tryhard. 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

Why are you so loud? Can't you keep your 
voice down? 

-Deafened in Site 92 


Cack? What ho, forsooth! 

Your jibber-jabber is un-sane, good sir. Am | much sub- 
vocal, thanksqueezeme'6! Yourself should un-check 
your hear-holes to the doc, mayhaps an error is on the 
counter, no? I'd suggestinate me appointwise, but Mr. 
Lightbulb and Mister Boss Man un-think terrible terrible 
radishes'’”. Though hop skip and stop by, and | mayhap 
gander goose. 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

I think I'm starting to come down with a 
cold. Do you have any advice? 

-Dr. King 


Appleseeds!18 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

Why don't we give you a megaphone and 
point you at any enemy with eardrums? 
What's your price, Dr. Spanko? 

-Dr. Gently 


Unconvincable! Mine pedigree is for bling blang blongo, 
youthinks? Cack! A gamble to snatch pretty pennies in 
parlor tricks? That myself am anti-doctor? Nein-sence! 
Cack! Cack! Am pro-fisherman doctorate, and P-Headdy 
in Psycho-geolo-lingo-bingo!9! And like all doctor dudes, 
| was proscribed to inscribe the most troth of oaths; to 
first stew no arm29 and all that. 


Minesuch are vowed passive fist, it would break own 


boombox?! to bring terminus to goodfellow folk. Sorries! 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

Whathavelydos? Cack! Mine suchlike 
sinpartner haveno friendly time antimony 
frost? Undercackings havelike until our 
tinglybits are raspred... 

-Linguistic Specialist N.D. Arx (Testing new 
translation software) 


Cack! Cack | say good sir! Such wordinations are un- 
appropriate for blinkbox talky-time! She-Mom and the 
Masters of the Universe22 should extemporize the soap 
rope2s for such foul platitudes24! This is a family show, 
idaho! Pull yourself out of the cookie jar and think about 
what you've done young man! 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

From what university did you receive your 
doctorate? 

-Dr. Wu 


Mineself receive gratitudes from Universidad Los 
Samothrace29 in year of the moldy cheese man26 with 
mega super duper plus good awardies. Cherry berry 
times, yes? Saddingly mineself not keep up with 
aluminum cans2’, forthwith house-calls nonwithstanding. 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

How do you know so much about the 
Foundation? This has to count as an 
information breach, doesn't it? 
-Researcher Rose Labelle 


Cack! Dada expounded! You scratch my back, | eat bugs 
off your tupperware!28 


Dear Dr. Spanko, 

Please elaborate on the socio-linguistic 
roots of your most peculiar language. 
-Jr. Researcher Hu Zhi 


Lovely! Basic Angler29 is the monkey at the top of the 
swimming pole?°! But sadness, mineself scrabble on the 
clock31!.