The presence of SCP-3410 exerts a cognitohazardous effect on 
SCP-3410-A. They will experience a desire to seek out an owner 
(hereafter SCP-3410-B) of the Quaker State oil company and 
engage them in a game of golf at Foxburg Country Club.! During 
this game, the behavior of both individuals and some elements of 
gameplay will be influenced by the anomaly. SCP-3410-A will 
experience a continuous series of misfortunes during the activation 
event. It is unclear whether the anomaly locally affects causality, or 
merely manipulates SCP-3410-A's perceptions and emotions to 
maximize negative outcomes. 


If SCP-3410-A does not have access to a suitable SCP-3410-B or 
the golf course at Foxburg Country Club, they will attempt to find 
substitutes. The level of hostility displayed by SCP-3410-A 
increases markedly the more different the activation event becomes 
from the target conditions. SCP-3410-B is also subject to a minor 
cognitohazardous effect, which reduces their reactive empathy 
towards SCP-3410-A. However, neither participant suffers long-term 
anomalous ill effects. 


Correct execution of Procedure 410-Charleston can limit the 
altercation between SCP-3410-A and SCP-3410-B to a heated 
exchange of words on the green of the ninth hole.3 


The time between activation events is longer when a procedure is 
successful, and shorter if it fails. Successful activation events are 
characterized by the presence and sincerity of an apology and 
acceptance at the conclusion of the final argument, as described 
below. In procedures where a sarcastic "fake apology" was used 
instead, the next activation occurred during the worst weather 
conditions possible in the timeframe. 


Foxburg Country Club's status as a US historical property precludes 
its acquisition by the Foundation at this time. Therefore, containment 
of SCP-3410 will require the cooperation of the Unusual Incidents 
Unit in Procedure 410-Charleston for the forseeable future. 


Procedure 410-Charleston: This partial transcript is intended to 
familiarize security and medical personnel with key features of 


Procedure 410-Charleston. Potential participants should also review 
complete instructions in Document 3410-1b. 


- Open video transcript 


Video Description: Procedure 410- 
Charleston concludes with an argument, as 
shown in the example transcript below. 
Participants are Agent Frank Auerbach (UIU 
Foxburg: SCP-3410-A) and Dr. Alice Dunlop 
(Level 1 researcher, Site 179: SCP-3410-B). 


< Begin Transcript > 
Auerbach: And then the fucking hornets! 


Auerbach swats at his arms and torso. Both 
participants are emerging from tangled 
undergrowth north of the green. 


Auerbach: This painkiller gel just runs right off 
when | fucking sweat and it hurts all over 
again! 


Dunlop: Look I'm really, really sorry about the 
chicken dance after you stepped on that nest. 
You're right, it wasn't funny, | just... 


Auerbach: You just thought it was goddamn 
funny! | swear to god, Alice, if | hadn't tripped 
over this — 


Auerbach forcefully throws SCP-3410 into a 
nearby stand of trees. It bounces off a tree 
trunk, striking him in the face. He doubles 
over, clutching his face and swearing. The 
participants are silent for a short time as 
medical staff examine Auerbach's face and 
give him an icepack for the developing bruise 
on his forehead. 


Dunlop: It could be worse. You know Chang 


and Haraldson had to do it during the blizzard 
of '93. 


Auerbach: Yeah that was REAL comforting. 
The first forty times you fucking said it. 


Dunlop: What the hell else am | supposed to 
say? | said "Duck" when that duck flew behind 
you on the fourth fairway and you tripped over 
it! 


Auerbach: Well you could have said "Stop," 
first of all — 


Dunlop: That wouldn't have helped! 


Auerbach: Ever since we got out here it's like 
everything you do is tailor made to fuck up my 
day! 


Dunlop: It wasn't a plan, Frank! It's just 
fucking golf! 


Auerbach: ...Goddammit, Alice. Fucking 
finally. Okay. 


Auerbach glowers, then sighs and extends a 
hand. 


Auerbach: I'm sorry | was such an ass. 
The participants exchange a firm handshake. 
Dunlop: It's okay, Frank. You did good. 


The concluding argument may or may not include an apology on the 
part of SCP-3410-A and/or acceptance of said apology by 
SCP-3410-B. Regardless, following this argument, the activation 
event is complete. SCP-3410 will cease to influence the minds of the 
participants, and may be returned to containment. The participants 
should nonetheless be separated promptly to avoid a non- 
anomalous renewal of hostilities. 


Recovery: SCP-3410 has been in the custody of the US 
government in some capacity since 1931. It was brought to the 
attention of J. Edgar Hoover by the heirs of its original target, 
Foxburg Country Club founder Joseph Mickle Fox. Several current 
and former elected US officials, non-UIU members of the FBI, and 
descendants of the Fox family are aware of the item's existence. 
They are not considered a containment risk at this time. 


The Foundation first learned of SCP-3410 in 2007. Then-President 
George W. Bush made use of a secure phone line in the Oval 
Office, designed to allow direct communication with the Foundation 
in case of emergencies. 


- Open audio log 


Date of Log: September 26th, 2007. 
Purpose: Preliminary request for cooperation 
in containment of SCP-3410. 

Interviewees: George W. Bush (President, 
United States of America); Dr. Justine 
Higginbottom (Director, SCP Site 179), Shawn 
Haeger (Director, Unusual Incidents Unit) 


< Begin Log > 


Dr. Higginbottom: Mr. President. Dr. Justine 
Higginbottom here; Site 179 is standing by. 
What's the situation? 


Mr. Bush: No immediate threat, Dr. 
Higginbottom. We recontaminated, the ah, this 
afternoon's irregularity, with no loss of life. 


Dr. Higginbottom: One of ours? Security 
hasn't detected a breach — 


Mr. Bush: No, ma'am. No, Doctor H., this was 
something our boys in black let slip through 
their radar. And it occurred to me you 
Foundation folks do a heck of a job with these 
little squirrely ones, you know what | mean? 


Dr. Higginbottom: (Brief pause.) So this was 
a containment breach for an item in the 
custody of the Unusual Incidents Unit. If it's 
been recontained, where does the Foundation 
factor in? 


Mr. Bush: It's kind of hard to explain, Doctor 
H. Look — you know that moon snake? 
Comes after me every full moon since | took 
the oath? | mean, the first time | got elected, 
Dad pulled me aside and gave me the talk. 
And | understand that, you know, | have to 
man up to the plate. But the last thing | need 
right now is another piece of junk out of 
Hoover's basement® jumping in from nowhere 
to ruin the one part of my day | still actually 
enjoy. | was worried sick I'd have to deal with 
this crap every month, too. But our Mr. Haeger 
here tells me it was a god damn accident, 
pardon my French, ma'am. 


Dr. Higginbottom: You're saying you were 
personally targeted by the anomaly. 


Mr. Bush: Exactly, that is exactly what 
happened, Doctor H. Apparently, this thing 
here is a translo- Shawn, what did you call it a 
minute ago? 


Mr. Haeger: A trans-locational irregularity with 
a periodic active targeting state, sir. 


Mr. Bush: In regular English, Shawn. 


Mr. Haeger: It teleports to the targeted 
individual upon activation, which occurs every 


Mr. Bush: Thank you, that's what | was 
asking. Did you get that, Doctor H? 


Dr. Higginbottom: (Brief pause.) Yes indeed, 
Mr. President, that does bring some clarity to 
this afternoon's events. And speaking of 
SCP-2762... this wouldn't happen to relate to 
some sort of attempt to alter the item's 
targeting condition, would it? 


On the Oval Office end of the line, several 
voices can be heard shouting at once. Mr. 
Bush, Mr. Haeger, and two other individuals 
were identified. 


Mr. Bush: Well you didn't shoot it to the god 
damn moon, Shawn, and that's about the only 
thing your people did right. Some pencil- 
pushing egghead thought an irregular golf ball 
that goes after the owner of a national 
landmark would be a good idea to nationalize. 
It's just fucking golf, it's not rocket science, 
right guys? 


Mr. Haeger: Mr. President, with all due 
respect — 


Mr. Bush: | was trying to speak to the Doctor, 
here. Doctor, I'm calling you to ask if the 
Foundation will take this thing off our hands. 


Dr. Higginbottom: Hypothetically... on behalf 
of my own Site, Mr. President, we'd be 
interested. 


Soon afterwards, a transfer of custody was approved by the joint 
review committee, as required by the US - Foundation Treaty of 
1948. Under the terms of this transfer, UIU Foxburg will cooperate in 
any procedure the Foundation develops, provided such procedure 
does not conflict with US law. 


Based on available documentary evidence, the dispute which led 
Quaker State Oil Company's founder and first president, H.J. "Bud" 
Crawford, to commission SCP-3410 appears to have been minor. 


However, after 1895, Fox and Crawford only communicated with 
one another about activation events. The two men cooperated in 
attempting to keep SCP-3410's effects a secret until Fox's failing 
health left him unable to play golf, shortly before his death in 1918. 


The following letter was obtained from Crawford's personal effects 
after his death in 1953. It is the earliest written record of the 
anomaly. 


- Open cease and desist letter 


From the offices of Marshall, Carter 
[COGNITOHAZARD REMOVED] Dark, 


To the right hon. Harold Jennings Crawford, 
Sir, 


You shall cease and desist from initiating 
further communications directed to Marshall, 
Carter and Dark, to its facilities, or to persons 
in its employ. By reading thus far you have 
already viewed the means by which your 
compliance will be assured. 


As per previous correspondence, you sought 
our expertise in the resolution of a matter 
which you now, with vulgarity, decry as 
unworthy of the effort. You, sir, then disputed 
the price offered for prompt manufacture of the 
specified article. AS was communicated to you 
at the time, the party who did accept a 
commission for the amount of your counter- 
offer was already on probationary status, due 
to persistent deficiencies in the quality and 
exactness of completed work. Their contract 
with us has since been discontinued. 


Do enjoy your purchase, sir. 


Farewell, 


SCP-441: Jacob Ram 


Item #: SCP-441 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-441 is currently housed in 
a designated outdoor pasture at Bio-Research Area 32. The 100 m2 
field is surrounded on all sides and bisected into two rectangular 
halves by a concrete wall 1 m high. 


Once a month, a team of six D-class personnel is to lead SCP-441 
from whichever half of the pasture it is currently residing in through 
the gate in the dividing wall into the other half of the pasture. The 
previously occupied section of the field is then to be thoroughly 
cleaned. The field must be carefully examined for any instances of 
SCP-441-1, which are to be dug out at the root and incinerated. 
Fresh sod must be sown in places where SCP-441 has grazed or 
where SCP-441-1 has been removed. 


All personnel dealing with SCP-441 are to remain in proximity of less 
than twenty meters for no longer than thirty (80) minutes. Any 
personnel showing any health problems whatsoever after contact 
with SCP-441 are to be examined by medical staff and reassigned. 


Description: SCP-441 is an adult male Jacob Ram. Prolonged 
proximity to SCP-441 leads to a depressed immune system in 
humans. After approximately thirty minutes of exposure, D-class test 
subjects showed markedly decreased white blood cell counts. After 
an exposure of an hour or more, subjects display symptoms of 
severe immune deficiency. After ninety minutes or more, the 
immune systems of subjects generally do not recover, and death 
results from massive infection. 


Laboratory analysis of a tissue sample retrieved from SCP-441 
revealed a clear viscous mixture of interstitial fluids and blood not 
unlike arthropod hemolymph. Cell structure is identical to 


Hezekiah Carter, Esq. 
February 2nd, 1899 


Footnotes 

1. Ownership of one share of stock is sufficient to replicate the target 
conditions. 

2. Records show that if SCP-3410-A is restrained or otherwise 
limited in mobility and thus unable to play golf, they will experience 
intense emotional disturbance for approximately five hours, after 
which the next activation event will occur at the earliest possible 
time. 

3. Personnel who participate in a successful procedure are 
encouraged to apply for certification in the containment of 
cognitohazards. 

4. Such as the October 1992 activation event documented by the 
UIU. 

5. Collogiual term among members of the US government for 
anomalies under the jurisdiction of the Unusual Incidents Unit. 


SCP-3411: THE NEW YORK’'S GLORIOUS 
CHILDREN'S BATALLION 


Item #: SCP-3411 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: Foundation agents embedded 
in postal services are to intercept all instances of SCP-3411 in 
circulation’ and bring them into containment at Site-22. Pursuit of 
the entity or entities behind the creation of SCP-3411 instances is 
not currently authorized. Attendant NR is to work with containment 
teams as a liaison to the O5 Council2. 


Any coffin structures that appear as a result of SCP-3411 are to be 
delivered to Research Installation 9 for proper handling and 
disposal. Suitable cover stories are to be disseminated for all deaths 
that occur as a result of uncontained SCP-3411 instances. 


Description: SCP-3411 is the collective designation for an as-of-yet 
unknown number of written messages which are periodically 
delivered to children of eleven years of age who live in the state of 
New York. All instances of SCP-3411 are contained in envelopes 
possessing a seal bearing the writing "THE NEW YORK'S 
GLORIOUS CHILDREN'S BATTALION’, with the image of what is 
presumed to be some form of firearm above said writing. The design 
of the firearm in question does not correlate with any known non- 
anomalous design. 


Instances of SCP-3411 appear to spontaneously manifest in transit 
via the US Postal Service, rather than originating in any known 
location. The length of time between batches of SCP-3411 instances 
being sent out is also variable; with gaps of weeks, months and 
years being recorded. 


SCP-3411 instances display no anomalous properties until they are 
read by the specific individual to whom they were addressed. 


Several hours after reading the instance of SCP-3411, the individual 
in question will suddenly disappear. No methods have been found 
capable of preventing this event. 


In some cases, metal coffin structures have appeared in the location 
of SCP-3411-related disappearances several years later, invariably 
containing the corpse of the disappeared individual. In all cases, 
these corpses have been dressed in some form of military uniform 
bearing a "THE NEW YORK'S GLORIOUS CHILDREN'S 
BATTALION' badge. In cases where, due to significant damage, the 
corpse of the individual is not of sufficient size for clothing, this 
uniform is instead neatly folded on top of the coffin. 


Addendum 3411-1: The following is the written contents of all 
known instances of SCP-3411. 


RECRUITING FOR THE NEW YORK'S GLORIOUS 
CHILDREN'S BATTALION 


YOUR EXTRA-GOVERNMENT CALLS UPON LEVY 
AS AGREED UPON 1892 


REGRETTABLY THE WAR CONTINUES 
THERE IS NO TIME FOR CHANGE 


IT IS YOUR TIME FOR YOUR TURN, PLEASE 
FORGIVE 


GET READY - WE EMBARK TONIGHT ! 
PARL VASTA !