¢ Pocket money to the tune of a million dollars zillion dollars 
blank check each week (approved) 


Under no circumstances is hip-hop, rap, or other awful pseudo- 
music to be played in the vicinity of SCP-10101, as this causes the 
subject to enter a rage state. 


As hanging out with losers cramps SCP-10101's style, all personnel 
working with SCP-10101 must be subjected to the standard 
Rivertam Coolness Test. Any personnel who scores less than 1.2 
decikaminas on the scale is forbidden from close contact with 
SCP-10101. Any personnel who score negative on the test are 
urged to stay at least twenty meters away from SCP-10101, due to 
the risk of instant immolation from sheer awesome. 


Description: SCP-10101 is an incredibly handsome teenager, 18 
years of age, wearing metal glasses. Hair is blonde, eyes are blue. 
SCP-10101 likes to wear black and dark blue and prefers jeans. 


SCP-10101's favorite pizza toppings are pineapples and sausage, 
but | dislike chicken and tomatoes; his favorite show is My Little 
Pony Friendship is Magic.' He likes to be called "Jack, the King of 
Everything"; staff is to refer to SCP-10101 as this under penalty of 
torture. Subject's varied interests include video games, surfing the 
Internet and writing creepypasta. SCP-10101 does, in fact, shower 
every day and is not a "no-life virgin", and all who claim otherwise 
are to be terminated. 


Acquisition: SCP-10101 had a difficult childhood: his parents were 
total squares who didn't allow me to play videogames or go to 
parties after midnight. His powers first manifested at the age of 16, 
and were promptly used to utterly humiliate all students and 
teachers at his school who ever mistreated him (especiallyD ,a 
worthless piece of shit, who died very slowly and painfully). Soon 
afterwards, SCP-10101 arrived at Site 19, bypassed all security 
measures, and personally requested that he be allowed to help the 
SCP Foundation in its mission. 


Further investigation revealed that SCP-10101's talents are 
supreme. He is able to hack into any known computer system ("I'm 
not even sure how | do that, | just go with the flow"), is better at 
science than the Foundation's finest researchers ("I suppose | 
remember a thing or two from high school") and has proven himself 
adept at hand-to-hand warfare ("I watched a kung fu movie once, it's 
easy"). Soon after his arrival SCP-10101 began hanging out with all 
the coolest characters, including Dr. Clef, Dr. Gears, Dr. Kondraki, 
Kain Pathos Crow, Dr. Bright, Dr. Rights, agent Strelnikov, agent 
Yoric, etc. 


Dr. Clef took SCP-10101 under his wing to give him lessons in 
tactical combat; however, it soon became apparent, in Dr. Clef's 
words, that "this motherfucker was teaching me more than | could 
teach him." SCP-10101 is currently busy organizing his own Mobile 
Task Force, MTF-Sigma-Billion-Twelve-Banana. 


SCP-10101 is friendly towards humanity and is on the side of good. 
While on multiple occasions he has helped in capturing or 
terminating various evil SCPs, he steadfastly refuses to help us 
capture good SCPs. SCP-10101's stalwart honor and morality puts 
our organisation to shame; by his demand, the O5 council has 


vowed to cease appeasement of SCP-089, free SCP-231-7 from her 
plight, and in general never hurt any innocent person ever again, so 
that we can finally be the heroes the world deserves. 


Superpowers: Currently known superpowers include: 


¢ Sheer awesomeness, comparable to Chuck Norris, Jackie 
Chan and Bill Gates combined2 

* The ability to lift 48736598346587.313352142 + 0.000000003 

tonnes of burden over his head 

The ability to run with the speed of a hojillion km/s 

* An IQ of 9873857, and then some3 

Immunity to diseases, poison, fire, cold, radiation, acid, 

disintegration, erasure from reality, any physical harm, death, 

tofu, plot device, and everything else 

The ability to (by mere force of will) heal all diseases that 

afflict any being, instantly 

The ability to transform/manipulate matter and reality in any 

way he wishes 

* Most spectacularly, [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Addendum 10101-1: It should be noted that in the past, for some 
reason, a certain stupid girlnamedK A has rejected 
SCP-10101 as her boyfriend, instead choosing another boy who 
was dumb, uncool and not at all as sexy as SCP-10101. It is 
theorized thatK A is a stupid bitch who will one day be sorry 
for this. For now, SCP-10101 has settled for SCP-105 as his 
girlfriend and concubine. 


Cross-SCP Testing: At SCP-10101's request, he has been cross- 
tested with several of the coolest SCP items in Foundation custody. 


¢ Item: SCP-076-2 

¢ Result: SCP-10101 demands a duel with SCP-076-2. At own 
request, SCP-10101 has his eyes blindfolded, arms and legs 
tied, and plugs put in his ears. The battle takes two (2) 
seconds and obviously ends in SCP-10101's victory. 
Impressed, SCP-076-2 makes to the subject an offer to join 
the Mobile Task Force Omega-7. SCP-10101 laughs in 
SCP-076-2's stupid face and sneers snarkily, "Sorry, buddy, 
but your little playground gang will just have to do without me. 


| know / wouldn't accept a loser like you in my MTF!" 
* Note: SCP-076-2 reprimanded for wasting SCP-10101's time 
with absurd offers and forced to apologize. 


* Item: SCP-056 
¢ Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] SCP-056 given grief counseling. 


* Item: SCP-177 

¢ Result: While casually reading through the top-secret 
Foundation files, SCP-10101 becomes aware of SCP-177 and 
requests a duel. Subject proceeds to effortlessly win several 
games with SCP-177. SCP-10101 is not observing the board 
directly, but rather dictates his moves from another room, all 
while preparing an omelette, playing / Wanna Be The Guy (on 
the hardest difficulty level and with the monitor turned off), and 
balancing (barefoot) on barbed wire 0.5 mm thin over a river 
of lava (with spikes in the river) (with bees on the spikes). 
Furthermore, SCP-10101 refuses to be informed of any 
moves made by SCP-177, instead taking lucky guesses. 


* Item: SCP-953 
Result: SCP-10101, accompanied by armed guards, opens 
door to SCP-953's cell. SCP-953 snarls at SCP-10101. 
SCP-10101 enters SCP-953's cell and requests "a half hour of 
privacy” for "a little one-on-one"; request is granted. After 30 
minutes SCP-10101 leaves cell, smiling enigmatically and 
blowing a kiss to SCP-953. Subsequent interviews with 
SCP-953 reveal that subject is no longer evil and is sorry for 
all she had done. 
¢ Note: "Instead of keeping her all locked up and stuff, you 
cruel bastards just needed to approach her humanely. | knew 
someone so pretty couldn't be iredeemably evil." — 
SCP-10101 


¢ Item: SCP-777-J 

Result: [DATA TOO AWESOME] No survivors. SCP-2000 
utilized. SCP-10101 and SCP-777-J promise that their next 
battle will take place on some planet nobody needs anymore. 


Incident Log 10101-3300: 


<Begin Log> 


SCP-10101 and O5-13 enter the guard station 
overlooking SCP-682's chamber. SCP-10101 takes a 
nonchalant look at SCP-682. 


SCP-10101: (dismissively) So what's this guy's deal? 


05-13: That's SCP-682. We have been trying to destroy 
it for years now. It regenerates from everything we throw 
at it; our brightest minds are stymied. 


SCP-10101: (rolls eyes) Oh puhleeeeze. What'd you 
ever do without me? | bet | could take this guy down in 
ten seconds. Open the door! 


05-13: Impossible! Are you crazy? We'll all die! Nobody 
can possibly face SCP-682 and survive! 


SCP-10101: Look, pal, drop the bureaucracy and just 
trust me, dammit! | know what I'm doing! 


05-13: ...Everyone, do as he says. 


SCP-10101 enters SCP-682's chamber. Immediate panic 
reaction from SCP-682. 


[DATA EXPUNGED] 
[EXPUNGEMENT DATED] 
[YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OLDER] 


D-class attendants enter chamber to remove lifeless 
corpse of SCP-682. 


SCP-10101: What'd | say? Ten. Seconds. Flat. I'd never 
leave the Foundation hangin’. I'd say I'm twenty (20) 
percent cooler than any one of you. 


05-13: ...You know, there's no reason there can't be 
fourteen O5's. 


SCP-10101: That will not be necessary. | feel that job 
would be... beneath me. Especially considering my real 
position in the Foundation. 


05-13: It cannot be... 


SCP-10101: (outs on sunglasses) That's right. | am your 
Founder. 


(Explosions erupt one meter behind SCP-10101 fora 
period of six seconds while a dramatic guitar chord can 
be heard. Source of these phenomena is unknown.) 


<End Log> 


Footnotes 

1. SCP-10101's favorite pony is Rainbow Dash. 

2. An entire new SI prefix had to be created to quantify SCP-10101's 
awesomess. 

3. Measured using special IQ tests that SCP-10101 invented 
himself. 


SCP-2317-J: A Door to Another Parody 


Item #: SCP-2317-J 
Object Class: Apollyon! Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2317-d is to be kept shut 
at all times and not opened under any circumstances. Personnel are 
to be reminded that, no matter what the voice on the other side 
says, the only living organism behind SCP-2317-J is SCP-2317-JK. 


A sticky note reading: "do NOT open - scp 2317 jk inside (wants to 
eat the world)" is to be stuck onto SCP-2317-J at all times as a last 
resort method against the opening of SCP-2317-J. 


Description: SCP-2317-J is a door that acts as a universal portal, 
opening into Universe Kappa-Erikesh. The accessible area behind 
SCP-2317-J was a salt pan several kilometers across. Formerly, 
SCP-2317-J held seven marble pillars, but these have been 
destroyed by SCP-2317-JK. 


SCP-2317-JK is a two hundred kilometer tall, obese humanoid entity 
that was formerly contained by seven hooks embedded into its back, 
connected to the seven pillars found in Universe Kappa-Erikesh. 
Each of these hooks or pillars has broken, releasing SCP-2317-JK. 


Addendum #1: The Awakening of SCP-2317-JK. 


After the breaking of the seventh chain, the awakening of 
SCP-2317-JK was predicted. O5-13 arrived at 
Containment Area-179 to witness the impending end of 
the world, and, as a last resort, potentially bargain with 
SCP-2317-JK. 


The ground around the seven pillars within SCP-2317-J 
shatters, and SCP-2317-JK emerges from the ground. It 
is two hundred kilometers tall, with kilometer tall horns. It 


begins roaring. 


SCP-2317-JK: | AM THE BLACKBOX-BLACKBOX- 
BLACKBOX-BLACKBOX-BLACKBOX-BLACKBOX- 
BLACKBOX-BLACKBOX BLACKBOX-BLACKBOX- 
BLACKBOX-BLACKBOX, DEVOURER OF WORLDS! 
NO WORLD IS SAFE FROM MY WRATH! 


O5-13 and other Foundation personnel retreat through 
SCP-2317-J. 


SCP-2317-JK: FOR FOUR THOUSAND YEARS, | 
HAVE BEEN IMPRISONED, BUT NOW | AM FREE! 


05-13: Shut the door, this guy is really extra. | don't want 
to listen to him. 


SCP-2317-J is closed. 


SCP-2317-JK: NOW TO FIND EARTH AND ENACT MY 
VENGEANCE! 


SCP-2317-JK: UH, WHERE IS EARTH? 
SCP-2317-JK: OH, THERE'S THE DOOR. 
There is a loud bang against SCP-2317-J. 


SCP-2317-JK: AH FUCK ME, | BROKE OFF THE 
DOOR HANDLE WITH MY FAT FINGERS. 


SCP-2317-JK: WOULD ONE OF YOU KIND GENTS ON 
THE OTHER SIDE PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR FOR 
ME? 


There is twenty minutes of deliberation between O5-13 
and SCP-2317 Containment Personnel about how to 
respond to SCP-2317-JK's request. 


05-13: No. 
SCP-2317-JK: OH, COME ON! I'VE BEEN 


SCP-554: The Perfect Murder 


Item #: SCP-554 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: A 100m exclusion zone should 
be maintained around SCP-554 with signage indicating danger of 
death due to electrocution. A rotating team of 3 field personnel is to 
be assigned the task of preventing public exposure to the object. 
The individual currently designated SCP-554-2 is to be held in 
Foundation custody at Sector-25. In the event of members of the 
public or Foundation personnel becoming exposed to the effects of 
SCP-554, the following procedures apply: 


¢ 174-Macadamia: Where an individual has viewed SCP-554-1. 
Communication with Sector-25 should be established 
immediately to confirm that the individual previously 
designated SCP-554-2 has undergone a 554-Boojum event. 
Exposed individual is to be designated SCP-554-2 and 
conveyed to Sector-25. Containment is to be re-established 
and any eyewitnesses administered amnestics. 


¢ 889-Almond: Where multiple individuals have viewed 
SCP-554-1 in a short time span. Surviving individual is to be 
interrogated to establish the identity, where possible, of others 
exposed. Failing this it will become necessary to remove 
SCP-554-1 and identify the corpse. Precautions must be 
taken to avoid accidental exposure while retrieving 
SCP-554-1. Corpses removed from SCP-554 are to be 
conveyed to Sector-25. 


¢ 333-Hickory: Where Foundation agents have been exposed 
to SCP-554-1 in the course of their duties. Safety of 
uncontaminated personnel is the highest priority; where the 
previously exposed individual has not been identified, the 
exposed agent has sole responsibility for identifying 


IMPRISONED FOR FOUR THOUSAND YEARS, GIVE A 
GUY A BREAK, WOULD YOU? 


Addendum #2: Escape Attempts 
222: Excuse me? Is anyone there? 
Sergeant Hannibal Masterson: Hello? 


222: Excuse me, sir, but could you please open the 
door? 


Sgt. Masterson: Sure, hold on... Wait a minute, you 
wouldn't happen to be SCP-2317-JK, would you? 


222: What? No... I'm... uh... KJ-7132-PCS, his ... uh ... 
cousin? 


Sgt. Masterson: Oh, that makes sense, let me get the 
door. 


KJ-7132-PCS: Thank you! 


Sgt. Masterson reads the sticky note stuck to SCP-2317- 
J. 


Sgt. Masterson: Wait a minute, who'd you say you 
were? 


KJ-7132-PCS: SCP-2317-JK's cousin! 


Sgt. Masterson: Hey, Jonny Vance, get me The Erikesh 
Codex. 


Research Assistant Jonathan Vance: Uh, sure, boss. 
Right away. 


Sgt. Masterson and RA Vance look through The Erikesh 
Codex. 


Sgt. Masterson: Nice try, there, but SCP-2317-JK ate all 
his cousins! 


KJ-7132-PCS: Uh, he didn't eat me? 
Sgt. Masterson: You're SCP-2317-JK, aren't you? 


SCP-2317-JK: CURSE YOU FOUNDATION! I'LL GET 
YOU NEXT TIME! 


SCP-2317-JK: Is anyone there? 


Assistant Researcher Doctor Jackson Choi: Hello, 
SCP-2317-JK. 


SCP-2317-JK: Oh, hey Jackson. 
Dr. Choi: What's up? 


SCP-2317-JK: As you know, | am an eldritch 
monstrosity. 


Dr. Choi: That is true. 


SCP-2317-JK: But, if you open that door, I'll grant you 
wishes. 


Dr. Choi: Are these going to be those shitty genie 
wishes, where you horribly subvert what | want? 


SCP-2317-JK: Oh no, real genuine wishes from me! 


Dr. Choi: You drive a hard bargain, but | think I'm going 
to accept. 


Dr. Choi moves to open the door. Sgt. Masterson enters 
the containment cell. 


Sgt. Masterson: What are you doing? 


Dr. Choi: SCP-2317-JK says he'll give me wishes if | 
open this door. 


Sgt. Masterson: Nice! Let's do it. 


Dr. Choi and Sgt. Masterson move to open SCP-2317-J. 


Sgt. Masterson reads the sticky note on SCP-2317-u. 


Sgt. Masterson: Wait a minute... SCP-2317-JK, what 
are your plans if we open this door? 


SCP-2317-JK: Oh, devouring the world, ending 
civilization, causing the eschaton, you know. Typical 
Monday. 


Sgt. Masterson: You silver-tongued devil! 
Dr. Choi: You'll give us wishes and then just eat us! 


SCP-2317-JK: FOILED AGAIN! ONE OF THESE DAYS, 
I'LL HAVE MY DUE! 


There is a knocking sound coming from SCP-2317-J. 


Senior Researcher Doctor Victoria Fellini: Hey, 
somebody go take care of that. 


RA Vance walks up to SCP-2317-J. 
RA Vance: Uh, hello? 


222: Hey, | got a large pizza here for Containment 
Area-179. 


RA Vance: Hey, Dr. Fellini, this guy says he's got a 
pizza for us. 


Dr. Fellini: Do we have pizza money? 


Sgt. Masterson: No, the Overseers said we were 
ordering too much fast food and slashed our budget. 


222: Oh, no it's fine, this pizza is, uh, on the house! 
Dr. Choi: A pizza on the house? 
222: Oh sure, as a reward for ... customer loyalty! 


Dr. Fellini: Customer loyalty to where? 


222: Uh... Scarlet King's Pies?