"Blood makes the grass grow, kill, kill, kill!" 
. "Fuck trees, | climb clouds motherfucker!" 
. "Someone is getting stabbed." 


OONOARWD 


1. But some days, it should be. 


10. "Whose hand is that?" 

11. "If all else fails, poop on it." 

12. "If all else fails, there's always the sun." 

13. "We need bigger kittens." 

14. "Society of Creepy Perverts." 

15. "Fuck Death, War, Famine and Pestilence. We've got 
Clef, Gears, Kondraki and Bright." 

16. "Throw D-Class at it until it stops." 

17. "447 and dead bodies, two great tastes that taste great 
together." 

18. "The FBI are a bunch of pansies." 

19. "Who wants to see what | can make the president do in 
public?" 

20. "For the Horde!" 

21. "Science for the Science God!" 

22. "Make sure to wipe your feet on 2558!" 

23. "When in doubt, feed it to 682." 

24. "Slapstick, Clowns and Puns" 

25. "Drop the blanket now!" 

26. "Seduction, Coitus, and Pregnancy" 

27. "We always need more Dakka!" 

28. "Still Alive, and Found the Cake" 

29. "Don't Worry, O5 won't ever figure it out!" 

30. "Will it blend?" 

31. "Commies love us!" 

32. "Snap Crackle and Pop" 

33. "Sex, Cocaine and Powwahh!" 


72. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to play "Hippocratic Oath 


Chicken" with the medical staff. 

73. A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you 
do?" not "Please continue." 

74. Pranks placed into new staff's desks are not funny because 
they "liquefied in record time." 

75. Attempts to use Foundation radio telescopes to contact 
omniscient and omnipotent extraterrestrial entities will result in 
a bill for any damage to local space-time, including the cost of 
demoting objects to dwarf planet status. 

76. Despite his doctoral degree, Dr. Bright is not allowed to either 
prescribe or administer any of the following: 


. enemas 

. homeopathic remedies 

. any sort of medication 

. free hugs 

. the healing power of laughter 
. sexual healing 

. ‘more cowbell’ 


NOOR WD — 


77. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to offer the solution of "Use 
more guns" to any problem. 


1. Or "Get bigger guns." 


78. Despite what he may say and any evidence, no matter how 
plausible, the SCP Foundation has never and will never be 
associated with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, 
and regardless of what Dr. Bright may say, he is not, and | 
quote, "A real life wizarding tutor." And we ask him to stop 
showing us his "wand". 


1. Nor is he a vampire. That was body glitter and bad 
acting. 

2. And despite what the computer file on him may say, he 
is not Muad'dib. The spice can flow just fine without him. 


79. The "Tamlin House School of Witchcraft and Wizardry" is just 
a plain bad idea. 

80. Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, 
blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically 


81. 


82. 


83. 


84. 


85. 


86. 


imply that anyone is ethically obligated to demonstrate the 
existence of breasts under laboratory conditions. 

If Dr. Bright is ever found under the influence of any 
recreational substance, he must immediately be contained 
under level 15 containment. If you want to know why, please 
refer to the security tapes for / / between the hours of 
amand : pm. 


1. If Dr. Bright is found deliberately getting high to get out 
of paperwork, he is to be placed in a Type 4 cell and 
hosed down with cold water from a pressurised hose for 
no less than 5 minutes. Maybe this will teach you that 
drugs are bad, m'kay? 


Cthulhu and R'lyeh are not valid reasons to send Pandora's 
Box out into the Pacific Ocean in order to capture them. 
Furthermore, these are not even SCPs, and | will find the 
person who decided to enter a database file for them. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to upload visual memetic kill agents 
to 4chan 7chan any imageboard. 


1. Well, okay, maybe to 4chan. It'd be doing the gene pool 
a service. 


Dr. Bright cannot change the standard issue D-Class uniform 
to black pants with a red polo shirt. 


1. | see your reasoning, but we just don't want to be 
associated with Star Trek. 


No matter how many times he may claim it, no matter how 
many uniforms we may confiscate, Dr. Bright is not a ninja, 
nor has he ever been. 


1. No. Not even if he uses SCP-281 to do it. 
There are no security codes for: 


1. Zombie conga line 
2. Badass hat 
3. Vampire can-can 


no unique properties until ingested. 


Drinking SCP-545-B extends the life of the user, slowing the process 
of aging and often either slowing or completely ridding the body of 
disease. It may even be used to heal major wounds if drunk quickly 
enough. Repeated use of SCP-545-B may prolong life indefinitely, 
but results in a strong dependency upon its properties and many 
frequent users show borderline sociopathic tendencies in regards to 
the creation of SCP-545-B. To date, the SCP Foundation keeps a 
limited supply of SCP-545-B and allows for production only for study 
of SCP-545-C. 


SCP-545-C is a thin, weathered sheet of yellow parchment, in 
surprisingly good condition; carbon-dating places it to be at least 
600 years old. SCP-545-A claims to have copied SCP-545-C from 
the original document containing SCP-545-C's instructions. For lack 
of a better term, SCP-545-C contains a recipe in Middle English for 
extracting and distilling SCP-545-B from the human body. Full 
contents of SCP-545-C are undisclosed in order to prevent 
unauthorized personnel from creating SCP-545-B. Key portions 
include 


* Ingredients list, including such materials as live leeches, 
skullcap seeds, chicken fetuses, snake skin, ginger root, 
mandrake root, lily-of-the-valley-water, spider eggs, and 
nearly two dozen more items, in varying amounts. The most 
prominent ingredient appears to be a living human being, 
preferably a child. Multiple ingredients on this list have been 
noted to match the ingredients used in instances of SCP-2077 
Supplies list, including a boiling pot large enough for a child or 
other human along with water and many ingredients, and a 
strainer made from fresh spiderwebs among other things. 
Instructions list, detailing rather elaborately the exact amounts 
of materials and timing needed to successfully create, distill, 
and bottle SCP-545-B. 


SCP-545-A is able to recite and act upon SCP-545-C by heart; the 
exact mechanisms of the process that creates SCP-545-B are still 
unidentified. 


"Magic" is not an acceptable answer. There has to be 


4. Disco corpse 

5. Intense homoeroticism 

6. Hoo mama 

7. Necrophilia (| do NOT want to know!) 
8. Extreme crotch violence 

9. Man disguised as a palm tree 

10. Man with porn 'stache 

11. Kung fu rasta 

12. Puppy-eating monks 

13. Justifiable homicide of all you dumb ass mother 
humpers. 

14. Bright Family Reunion (Code Brown. Find a place to 
hide, and make sure you leave an offering of booze 
outside your door.) 

15. Dr. Kondraki beach party. 


87. Just because Bright is a doctor does not mean that he is the 
Doctor, no matter how many British men he possesses. 


1. No, SCP-963 is not proof against this. 

2. Nor is any structure that results from placing SCP-184 
inside of a police call box. 

3. Adopting female members of the staff and calling them 
"companions" is right out. 

4. SCP-297 is NOT a sonic screwdriver. 

5. The Doctor who? 


88. While humour can be an effective way to improve staff morale, 
itis highly inappropriate to make "Your mum" jokes in the 
vicinity of SCP-597. 

89. Dr. Bright may not classify any researcher, including himself, 
as a memetic hazard. 

90. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to accept or use the following 
as payment for bets: 


1. Your soul 

2. Anyone else's soul 

3. Virgin's blood 

4. Reproductive organs 

5. SCPs 

6. Memories (real or imagined) 


91. 


Je. 


93. 


94. 


7. Pieces of your past | have no idea how that worked with 
Clef, but apparently he can do it. 
8. The island of Manhattan 
9. Beads 
10. Firstborn children 
11. Second-born children 
12. Red-headed stepchildren 
13. Rented mules 
14. Gold spun from straw 
15. A child's laughter 
16. A child's tears 
17. Virginity 
18. Anal virginity 
19. Aural Virginity 
20. Nasal Virginity (| do NOT want to know) 
21. Navel Virginity (What does this even MEAN?) 
22. Ponies 
23. Anyone's grandmother 
24. Anyone's grandfather 
25. Anyone's sister 
26. Any blood relative 


No matter how many times he photoshops himself into a 
picture of SCP-682, and no matter how many Australians he 
possesses, Bright is not, and never was, the "Crocodile 
Hunter". 


1. Nor does every SCP/D-Class "really hate it when you 
jam your thumb up their bum." 


1. And he is not allowed to do that "Right naow!" 


As funny as Incident 387/682- was, Dr. Bright is not allowed 
unsupervised access to SCP-387. Researchers are still trying 
to figure out how an animate model of 682 was so 
invulnerable, despite only being made of just plastic blocks. 
Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new researchers experimenting 
on SCP-168 to divide by zero, find the square root of negative 
one, or find the last digit of pi using the SCP. Dr. is still 
comatose, and 168 itself is quite displeased with the event. 
Dr. Bright is not allowed to use examples from Star Trek when 


95. 


96. 


ora 


98. 


99. 


administering Turing tests to artificial intelligences of any sort. 
Computer hardware does not grow on trees, dammit! 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to plant SCP-2383-J into science 
labs. We're still picking up complaints from the office of 
Stephen Hawking. 


1. No, not even for the good of "SCIENCE" 
2. Or even as "Science for the Science God". Dr. Bright is 
also not allowed to refer to himself as such either. 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-587 to re-enact the locker 
scene from Men In Black, nor play Godzilla with its 
inhabitants. 


1. Nor is he allowed to set himself up as a god to them. 

2. Testing between SCP-786 and SCP-587 is also 
banned. "David and Goliath" scenarios are just as 
harmful to its inhabitants as the Godzilla incident. 

3. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-786 to simulate 
"Dwarf Fortress". 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to show SCP-682 any of the 
following: 


. any Uwe Boll movies 

. The Room 

. Troll 2 

. Manos: The Hands of Fate 

. movies considered "so bad they're good" 

. movies considered "cult classics" 

. you know what, Dr. Bright is just not allowed to show 
SCP-682 any movies at all, ever. 


NOOR WD — 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new researchers that typing 
"01100110011011110111001001101101011000010111010000 
10000001 1000110011101001011100 
0010000000101111010100010010111101 "ina textfile 
and renaming it "079.exe" will give them complete control over 
SCP-079. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-559 with one candle in 
order to [DATA EXPUNGED] attempted breast-feeding 


100. 


101. 
102. 


103. 


104. 


105. 


106. 


incident. 


1. In fact, let's just amend that to 'Dr. Bright is not allowed 
to be breast-fed. Period’. 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to claim SCP-014-J has "Breached 
Containment" and then leave a dining fork in the hallway. 

Dr. Bright is not O5- -J. No such position exists at this time. 
Dr. Bright is not allowed to give SCP-239 a copy of any Harry 
Potter books. 


1. What did you do? 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-141 to give people 
parking tickets. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to send anything into the past, future, 
or to alternate dimensions. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to accuse people of being duplicates 
of himself with the intention of having them terminated, unless 
they actually are duplicates of himself. 


1. Dr. Clef is not allowed to convince people Dr. Bright is a 
copy of him. 


Dr. Bright may not put "A cup of orgasm" from SCP-294 
through SCP-914 on the Very Fine setting. 


1. Dr. Bright may not use SCP-294 to create a "cup of 
memetic orgasm" and use it on worldwide television. 

2. Dr. Bright is not permitted to use SCP-294 to create 
orgasms of any kind, memetic, sentient or otherwise. 

3. Given the results of requesting a cup of "Dear God No", 
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to use SCP-294 directly 
or outside of approved testing. 

4. Given that he asked another staff member to request a 
"Cup of Explodium" from SCP-294 to "see what would 
happen", Dr. Bright is not allowed to ask other staff 
members to access SCPs for him, no matter how 
instructive, funny or helpful the results would be. The 
only exception to this is SCP-963. 


107. 


108. 


109. 


110. 


111. 


112. 


113. 


114. 


115. 


116. 


117. 


118. 
119. 


120. 


Dr. Bright is not allowed to make, accept, or take a rake-off 
on, bets concerning XK-class End-of-the-World Scenarios. 
Dr. Bright is no longer allowed access to SCP-732 infected 
documents along with SCP-239. MTF-Lambda-2 has been 
dispatched to contain "Chowderclef". 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to organize, authorize, or create in 
any form, a "Foundation Demolition Derby, starring SCPs 
2383-J, 708, 666-J, 2558-J, 1543-J, 2041-J, 2103-J, 968, 462, 
115, and 225 for the grand finale" No.. just no. Not even if you 
try to throw in 682 trying to disguise it as a termination 
attempt. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to get on the PA system at site 19 
and announce that he just won The Game You know what, Dr. 
Bright is just never allowed on the PA system for any reason, 
ever. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to request access to all cubical SCPs 
to make a fort of any kind. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to order anyone to infiltrate the 
women's locker room. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to play "hot potato” with SCP-963. 
Dr. Bright is not allowed to arrange, schedule, advertise, 
promote, or sell tickets to, "cage matches" between Able and 
SCP-682 any SCPs. 

We don't care HOW many O5's agree to it and how many 
precedents there are, Dr Bright is not allowed a pet SCP. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to combine a cadaver infected with 
SCP-008 with SCP-217. 

Dr.'s Bright and Clef are no longer allowed to engage in 
research any activity involving 40 gallons more than a pound 
any amount of superballs. 


1. Also, the aforementioned are not to convince blackmail 
compel D-Class personnel anybody into conducting 
such activities for them. 


"Challenge Accepted" is not a valid excuse for anything. 

Dr Bright is not allowed to lease out SCP-002, even especially 
if he includes the option to buy. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to dress up as Joseph Stalin and 
ambush Agent Strelnikov in the hallways. 


121. 


122, 


123. 
124. 


125. 


126. 


127. 


128. 


129. 


130. 


131. 


1. Actually, Dr. Bright shouldn't be allowed to dress up as 
any Communist dictator, there's no way it could end 
well. 


Dr. Bright is not to be allowed access to the cafeteria menu 
more than a day in advance six hours in advance at all, nor is 
he to get anyone else to access it for him, directly or indirectly. 
Dr. Bright is not allowed to introduce small children to the "ihe 
Giving Tree." 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to 'borrow' SCP-159 for his office. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed near any carbonated beverages while 
in possession of Mentos-branded mints. The last time that 
happened, he somehow managed to cause an earthquake in 
the East Coast of the United States. Dr. Bright is not allowed 
to claim responsibility for earthquakes and other natural 
disasters unless he is actually responsible for them. 

Dr. Bright is not allowed to dare new personnel anyone to play 
‘peek-a-boo' with either SCP-569 or SCP-173. 

When ordering things online, send them to PO Box ~— and not 
directly to Site 19. We've already had three postmen show up 
at the front door. (How did they even find us?) Dr. Bright is not 
to give directions to Site 19 to non-Foundation personnel.