23. "Dr Mark told earlier 'Kosovo is Serbia’ to the container and it 
opened! Apparently the box is from Serbian origin. Good to know." - 
Dr. Spooks 

24. "Yes, | know that chess is technically a sport, but this was really 
boring to watch. I'll take this into consideration next time."-Dr. 
Spooks 

25.If | ever again hear the words "le empty bag o'SCP-420-J" | will 
face MEKHANE and walk backwards into Adytum-Dr. Whomst'd've 
26. Dr. A told a horrid joke about SCP-2719. Surprisingly, the 
face laughed and it was completed.When | asked him about what 
happened, he just shrugged and said "You wouldn't get it. It's an 
inside joke." 

27.SCP-????-J's box ragequitted, and broke all the objects in the 
room. When we tried to calm it, it gave us a punch.-Advanced AI- 
NCD 

28.Incident NCD-????-J-B Report:Advanced AI-NCD suffered a 
short circuit. C should not watch WW while he is on major 
supervision. 

29. Later turned out to be a prank. 

30.00|\@@OO@0|O@/|@is a prime example 

31.HE ACTUALLY SAID IT WHAT AN IDIOT!-Dr. 

32. Ticket reads as follows: ”you’er [sic] mom gay” 

33. 8 extra large deep dish pizzas. 

34. You're late, I'm not paying for those. 

35. UNDEFINED 

36. Most likely 


37. Dr. Crocket immediately drove home, and reportedly showered 5 
times in the span of 2 hours, due to "Still being dirty”. 

38. Dr. Westrin successfully listed every Foundation official XK 
scenario, with the addition of 4 others which never existed, which 
include "YT Class Dear-God-Why scenario", "MK Class End-of-My- 
Will-to-Live scenario" "HYK Class Why-Does-The-Foundation-Have- 
So-Many-Fucking-XK-Scenarios Scenario", and "TSAT Class Hit- 
Me-With-A-Fucking-Brick Scenario". 

39. I'm never trusting ANY organ of mine to MD. 

40.Dude! We'd get in SO much trouble! And I'm NOT doing 

again. 

41. Can | catch a break already? -Dr. King 

42. No you can not 05-055 

43. No 05-055 exists 

44. [Incoherent, Enraged Screaming] FUCK THIS THING!!! - Dr. 
Kondraki 


SCP-5150-J: Think Of The Children 


Item #: SCP-5150-J 
Outrage Class: Unacceptable. 


Steps for Crisis Prevention: SCP-5150-J needs to be stopped. It 
needs. To be stopped. 


If you see your kids talking about it, start screaming. Don't stop 
screaming until they promise to never bring it up again. I'm serious. 


At this point, it's probably for the better that we just don't let anyone 
outside until we know SCP-5150-J has been eradicated. Eradicate 
it. Stop reading this right now and eradicate SCP-5150-J. | don't 
care how much pepper spray you use, it needs to be stopped. I'm 
not kidding, Linda. 


Description: SCP-5150-J is a truly horrible thing that the Society for 
Concerned Parents heard about from an Amazon review. It's a 
product that people are claiming is "just a straw", but look at the 
picture. Look at it. Straws don't do that. What happens if you if you 
drink something with it, and your drink has to go through a bunch of 
unnecessary circles? The answer: sexual promiscuity and autism. 


And now kids are getting SCP-5150-J, and using them to drink. This 
is serious. Every kid in the inner city projects has one now. Every. 
Kid. Ev. Ery. Kid. What are they doing with all these straws? We 
have to ask these painful questions in order to keep the 
conversation going. Please take this seriously right now. 


One can only imagine the true story: our kids are calling it "Suck" 
because they say that's what you do with a straw, but | think we 
know what it really means. They're using the different colors of 
straws to mean different kinds of sexual favors, and having horrible 
"Suck Parties" where everyone comes out pregnant and with bad 
grades, autism, and incurable face rashes. How do we know that 


this isn't what's happening? We can't take that chance. 


Just yesterday | saw some perfectly nice boy outside the Wendy's 
the other day drinking a soda pop with one of those. | took a good, 
long look at him. And you know what? No, shut up, Linda, my nerves 
are bad enough as is. Anyway - the boy, he has autism now. | mean 
it. | saw the look in his eyes, that dead, sinking feeling underneath 
them. 


Then he looked at me and said (and | remember his words verbatim) 
"Are you okay? You've been sitting in your car staring at me for the 
past seven minutes." Those are the words of a boy who can't read 
social cues. Go find that boy, te// me I'm wrong. Because I'm not. 


Test Subject Before Exposure After Exposure 
One orangutan at the For all intents and The subject picked up 
ZOO purposes, a normal | the straw and threw it. 

primate. No social skills. 
Probably gota 
teenager pregnant. 
Mr. Hoskins's For all intents and Used it to drink Pepsi. 
daughter purposes, a normal 7- /t wasn't Diet Pepsi. 
year-old caucasian | I'm sorry, but! don't 
girl. have the heart to tell 


Mr. Hoskins that his 
daughter's going to die 
of diabetic shock. 
One copy of the Bible, For all intents and The Bible now has a 
King James Version| purposes, anormal | horrible straw sitting 
edition of the Good | on top of it. Someone 
Book. hold me. 


Addendum: I'm not wrong. For God's sake, Linda, I've home-birthed 
raised two healthy, successful boys on kombucha and Tae Bo 
classes, and if you have the audacity to imply that I'm wrong, and 
that you're somehow a better mother than | am, | swear to God | will 
slash your tires. You get one warning on this. It's not my fault that 
you can't afford botox. 


SCP-014-J: A Fork 


SCP-014 (Replica) 


Item #: SCP-014 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-014’s holding cell is to 
remain locked at all times. Personnel of sufficient clearance (as 
determined by facility administrator) may be admitted to view 
SCP-014 after submitting a formal request three (3) weeks in 
advance. Anyone handling SCP-014 must undergo Special 
Precautionary Protocol 014-2. All personnel exposed to SCP-014 
must be subsequently subjected to a forty-eight (48) hour quarantine 
and psychological evaluation. And after exposure, common sense 
dictates that one should wash their hands. 


Description: SCP-014 takes the form of an antique dinner fork, well 
worn, and, as near as can be estimated, not cleaned since the 
1890s. The object is fashioned from the electroplated nickel-silver 
typical of the suspected period of its manufacture and the rightmost 
tine is bent ( ) degrees outward. Brown stains and mold adorn 
the prongs and the pits of the decorative parts of the handle. 
Analysis of this material seems to indicate that SCP-014 was last 
used on some form of beef. 


SCP-014 was moved to this facility in the early 1970s and seems, 
for all intents and purposes, to be an entirely mundane dinner fork. If 
it is possessed of any extra-ordinary qualities, these are known only 
to those in the very highest echelon of this project's coordinators, 
whose representatives assure us that SCP-014 is, quote, “Very 
Important”. Officers who have spent time alone with SCP-014 are 
unanimous in their appreciation that the object is of great 
significance (hence its continued presence at this site), though none 
can quite say why [see » Testimony of Major , February, 
1972]. 


No tests on SCP-014 are authorized. Any personnel observed 
attempting to compromise SCP-014 in any way are to be terminated 
at once. 


Note: / request that we have this SCP decommissioned 
immediately. It's too dangerous to be kept alive. -Agent Spoon 


Note: Request denied. There is no evidence of any immediate 
threat. -O5- 


SCP-1132-J: Head-Cannons 


Item #: SCP-1132 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: Due to the high percentage of 
personnel affected by SCP-1132, the lack of evidence suggesting 
that SCP-1132 may have any negative effects on the mental or 
physical welfare of such personnel, as well as having passed all 
memetic hazard screening and quarantine requirements, personnel 
affected by SCP-1132 are allowed to continue working unless 
deemed unstable or dangerous by psychiatric or medical staff. 


SCP-1132-affected personnel are to be reminded that their 
afflictions cannot be used as an excuse to disregard standard 
procedures or violate Foundation safety guidelines. Foundation 
personnel affected by SCP-1132 are strictly prohibited from arming 
and firing their instances of SCP-1132. 


Description: SCP-1132 is an anomalous phenomenon that affects 
Foundation personnel, especially those involved in the transcription 
of documents or records. Personnel affected by SCP-1132 will 
develop a cranial growth over the course of their employment that 
will gradually form into a fully functional artillery cannon. The specific 
type of artillery formed by SCP-1132 varies from subject to subject; 
to date, no two instances have been precisely alike. 


Personnel affected by SCP-1132 also gain a tendency to argue 
extensively about the specific pros and cons of their particular 
instance. While this does not appear to be any kind of harmful 
compulsion or memetic effect, personnel are encouraged to 
minimize such interaction due to the negative impact on productivity 
and to remember that each individual's SCP-1132 instance is unique 
and perfectly acceptable as it is. 


Addendum 1132-01: Transcript of Surveillance Recording 


Dr. : So, as | was saying, my head-cannon is by far 
the longest and pretty much ought to be the gold 
standard of how these things should go. 


Dr. _: Oh, please. The 1700s want their muzzleloaders 
back, mine's a rifled piece of art. Short or not, you'd be 
crazy to consider anything else "standard". 


Dr. : Are you kidding me? That's not even a head- 
cannon, it's more like a head-mortar. How do you expect 
us to take you seriously when you can't even get basic 
definitions right? 


Dr. _ : It's still a cannon, whether you want to believe it 
or not, and I'm pretty sure most of the others would 
agree with me. It's not my fault that most of you can't 
even be arsed to use rifling, it's not like it's been a thing 
since 1855. 


Dr. : Come on guys, I'm trying to make a point here. 
Mine's still the longest and while size isn't everything, it's 
pretty freaking important, okay? 


Dr. : That's what she said. 


Dr. : Alright, whatever, you losers do whatever you 
want. | know I'm right and | don't need your approval 
when you guys can't even get your historical facts 


straight. 

Dr.  : Who are you calling a loser, dipshit? 

Dr. : Hey, there's no need to — JESUS CHRIST 
HE'S ARMED 


(sound of explosion, followed by fire alarms and breach 
alerts) 


Following this incident, Dr. was placed on administrative leave 
for a period of no less than six (6) months pending a review from the 
Department of Professional Responsibility regarding his conduct in 
the aforementioned incident as well as resorting to ad hominem. 


SCP-7475-J: Turbo Shark Pulverizer 6000 


Item #: SCP-7475-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-7475-J is to be kept at 
Site 69 in a 6x6x6 meter tank, filled with salt water derived from the 
Pacific Ocean. Said tank is to be reinforced by three-meter thick 
steel slabs, removed only for testing and feeding. Subject is to be 
fed one meal of chum every eight hours. Subject is to be monitored 
by waterproof cameras at all times; any attempts at a containment 
breach are to be met with full nonlethal force until the subject is 
reminded of its nature. 


SCP-7475-J is to be made aware of its nature every two hours, 
regardless of whether or not it has forgotten. Should the subject 
refuse to hear out this information, it is to be made aware by force. 
In the event the subject does severe damage to itself, medical 
attention is to be given under heavy armed guard. 


SCP-7475-J is not allowed any requests of any kind, regardless of 
how well behaved it has been in recent weeks. 


Object Description: SCP-7475-J is a heavily mutated humanoid, 
discovered roaming the Pacific Ocean in 20 . Subject stands at 2.3 
meters tall and weighs 155 kilograms. The skin of the subject is a 
deep gray and continually secretes a moistening agent for up to ten 
hours when on land. Subject is capable of withstanding ocean 
pressures at depths of up to 2000 meters, and can achieve speeds 
of 80 kilometers per hour when submerged. The subject's 
respiratory system is highly unusual, shifting between normal human 
lungs and fishlike gills whenever it enters or exits a body of water. 
Subject's eyes are adapted to underwater conditions, is in 
possession of webbed hands and feet, and has recently developed 
slightly scaly skin along the frontal abdomen. SCP-7475-J currently 
refuses to divulge exactly how these mutations came about. 


SCP-544: The New Voice 


Item #: SCP-544 


Object Class: Safe Euclid (Class updated after Event 544-423245 
by order of O5- ) 


Special Containment Procedures: When not in use, SCP-544 is to 
be kept in a standard 1 m x 1 mx 1 m locked storage container. 
When in use, the bearer of SCP-544 is to be under visual and 
auditory surveillance at all times. In the event that SCP-544 is to be 
removed from a bearer, it is to be only done by legally deaf staff in 
Auditory Safe Room #524264. 


Description: SCP-544 is a 30 cm tall hand-held radio microphone, 
made of polished metal and black plastic. There is no evidence of 
wires or electrical plugs of any kind on the object. The object's 
surface reveals significant but superficial damage (presumably from 
everyday use). When jostled, the sound of a non-metallic object can 
be heard inside the device. Requests to disassemble SCP-544 to 
identify this object has been denied. 


When grasped by the 'neck' of the microphone, the bearer will gain a 
subtle but significant compulsion to keep SCP-544 in his or her 
possession at all times. This compulsion begins as a simple dislike 
for the idea of letting go of SCP-544, but inevitably culminates in a 
desire to keep SCP-544 in a pocket or other carrying method at all 
times. Attempts to retrieve SCP-544 when the bearer is asleep have 
generally resulted in Separation Events (see below). 


After two days of bearing SCP-544, it will begin to speak for its 
bearer, through methods unknown. The sound SCP-544 makes is 
identical to the bearer's original voice, and the bearer does not seem 
to notice that this voice-replacement is occurring until explained. As 
time passes, more and more of the subject's speech is replaced by 
SCP-544, and the vocal tone of SCP-544 becomes much more 
electronic, with a comical and jovial tone. Within two weeks, the 


SCP-7475-J refers to itself only as "Turbo Shark Pulverizer 6000", 
and claims to be the Shark Punching Center's top agent. Given the 
subject's consistent demand for sharks to punch, capability of 
punching at 85 kilograms per square centimeter when attacking 
sharks, and discovery in the middle of punching a shark, there is no 
reason to doubt these claims. SCP-7475-J refuses to engage in any 
situations that do not involve sharks, and forced testing under these 
conditions have revealed its baseline strength to be exceptionally 
weak. 


SCP-7475-J possesses a greatly limited intelligence, demonstrating 
an intelligence quotient of 65, and is aggressively single-minded, 
occasionally not even registering that subjects other than sharks 
exist. 


Addendum-7475-J-01: Prior to Incident 7475-J-AD3, the subject 
was granted any requests it made, as most of these were shark- 
based in nature, and typically did not pose any threat to the staff, 
aside from the trouble of obtaining sharks for the subject to punch. 
However, on / /20 , subject grew tired of waiting for the current 
request - a crocodile shark - and demanded a set of children's scuba 
gear with a shark motif. After going through Site Command, the 
subject's request was granted and delivered inside of 3 hours.