Blackwood was undeterred. "You've done gone and buggered the 
whole countryside! Not to say that havoc you've wreaked with the 
rest of the world. How is this alright?" 


"What part of ‘fuck roight off' are you too dense to understand, ye 
twat?" There was a sound like a quick puff of air, and then a single 
potato came spiraling out of the side of the creature. It landed with a 
splat on the deck, inches from Deeds' shoes. Blackwood turned 
back, fuming. 


"Very well. You've left me no other option, potato-beast. Bring me 
the missus." 


The horde of potatoes rotated slightly, until the wall before them was 
mostly squashed cake. 


"What do you want, ye fukkin slug? E' already told ye to fuck roight 
off now, din't he?" 


Blackwood sighed. "Madam, I'm afraid | must ask you and your... 
mate... to kindly vacate this particular island. | don't much mind that 
your girth expands around the globe, but this island specifically is 
precious to me, and-" 


A cake landed square on Blackwood's face. He wiped it off, tiny 
hands trembling. 


"Very well. Deeds, the weapon." 


Deeds vanished for a moment, and then appeared at Blackwood's 
side, anti-entropic gun in hand. "I'll say again, sir, | fear that the 
application of this device assures our-" 


"Enough with your words, Deeds." Blackwood cocked the weapon. 
"The time for action is now. Have at you, foul beast!" 


The weapon hummed, there was a crack, and then the world went 
dark. 


"And that's how | saved Britain back in '92." Blackwood said, head 
bobbing with satisfaction. "Saved the whole lot of you, of course. 
Never once was able to collect the medal Her Majesty the Queen 
awarded me for my efforts, though. Not while I'm stuck in here." 


Researcher Garrison nodded slowly, his eyes darting to the wall to 
see when the shift would be over. He hoped it was soon. "Yes, that's 
very nice, SCP-1867. Another thrilling story, as usual.” 


Blackwood puffed. "One of my finest hours, no doubt. Might even be 
able to compete with the time | had to fight off that great serpent in 
the Amazon. The year was 1875, and Deeds was nursing an 
amputated leg at the time..." 


Sometime later, Garrison left the room. Blackwood sat in silence, 
meditating with his own thoughts. An hour passed, and then two, 
and then he heard a slight pop and a rush of air. He did not open his 
eyes, but he did smile. 


"Deeds, welcome back. Did you manage to bring my prize this 
time?" 


"Indeed, sir. Shall | place it within your cell?" 
Blackwood nodded. "That will do just fine, Deeds." 


The man approached the tank and quietly removed the cover. With 
a single motion, he placed within the cell a solitary potato, carved 
out like a canoe, and the wrapper from a cupcake. Blackwood 
approached the items, gave his approval, and Deeds disappeared. 


Blackwood climbed within the potato, feeling its dimensions and 
appreciating Deeds' craftsmanship. He laid down, pulling the 
wrapper up over him. 


"God Save the Queen, you damn victuals," he said quietly, and then 
fell asleep. 


Decommissioned 


Item #: SCP-13175 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: Total containment 
of SCP-13175 has been determined to be impractical at 
this point in time. Current protocols dictate monitoring of 
anomalous effects produced by SCP-13175 by on-site 
personnel. Monitoring of on-site personnel for symptoms 
analogous to any known anomalous effect caused by 
SCP-13175 is to be conducted by off-site personnel by 
means of remote viewing, analysis of documents 
produced by on-site staff, and psychiatric evaluation. 


Addendum 04/14/2377: SCP-13175 is currently 
scheduled for permanent decommission on 08/01/2377 
following unanimous vote by the O5 Council. Extraction 
protocols for personnel and civilians within the 
hypothesized effect vicinity of SCP-13175's 
decommission are under review pending... 


Aiden Reichardt minimized the file before resting his head softly on 
the keyboard of his terminal. The computer sputtered several pings 
and pops at the repeated and faulty commands his forehead was 
transmitting before falling quiet, matching the deafening silence that 
was Reichardt's only companion in the otherwise empty office. He 
had returned from lunch several hours prior to an email from Silvers 
informing him of the addendum's appearance. 


"Following unanimous vote by the O5 Council.” Those fucks. What 
had begun as a dull ache behind Reichardt's left eye after opening 
the email was now a roaring engine of pain, slowly draining what 
little fight remained in the Senior Researcher. Not a single 
goddamned pity vote, even. 


The flask was in his jacket pocket and was, as always, full. He had 
been terrified when he'd stolen the anomalous object from an 
incoming shipment of items cleared for designation and 
containment, but the fear had only made the drink taste better. The 
risk of termination, of termination, was minimal; the flask was 
assuredly just another anomalous object that would be locked up 
and forgotten within weeks, only seeing the light of day again during 
annual inventories. Reichardt was proud of himself for the relatively 
minor transgression. He'd made an honest-to-God decision and 
followed through. It was easy for him to imagine his father and 
grandfather, both long dead and former Foundation staff 
themselves, nodding in approval; he had been raised in a household 
that respected protocol but despised the Foundation's single- 
mindedness in containing every little thing. They're sucking all the 
mystery outta life, his grandfather would say. Reichardt 
commiserated with the thought as he tried to suck all the mystery 
out of his flask. He'd never been able to place the flavor but it 
vaguely reminded him of a whiskey he'd had on his first trip off of the 
station in his early twenties. Traveling off their artificial little satellite 
for vacation was still a new concept in those days and Reichardt had 
figured himself on that trip to be the first member of his family to 
touch the soil of any planet in well over a century. 


His monitor faded to black before beginning its screensaver cycle; 
an old one he'd dug from an archive of software from the Earth 
days, its low-resolution twisting pipes were garish but offered him a 
nostalgic moment for a world and time that Reichardt never 
experienced himself. He stared at the colorful pipes as they wound 
their way across the void of his screen, slowly filling its blackness 
with vivid greens and pinks, thinking about Earth. 


He'd never seen it in person and now he never would. The 
designation of an entire planet as an SCP object wasn't a new 
concept when they'd classified Earth as SCP-13175 but even still it 
had been a point of controversy. As interplanetary travel had 
become a more regular occurrence, one fact had become 
unavoidably obvious: anomalous activity existed everywhere to 
some degree but there was no place within humanity's reach that 
had anywhere near the quantity of anomalies as Earth. Reality was 
simply less stable there, as the science had proven. Reichardt had 


back together again! Make one wacky brass doohicky! 
It's yours to build and enjoy. 


Find them all and become Mr. Collector!! 


01. Mr. Chameleon 

02. Mr. Headless 

03. Mr. Laugh 

04. Mr. Forgettul 

05. Mr. Shapey 

06. Mr. Soap 

07. Mr. Hungry 

08. Mr. Brass ¥ 

09. Mr. Hot 

10. Ms. Sweetie 

11. Mr. Life and Mr. Death 
12. Mr. Fish 

13. Mr. Moon 

14. Mr. Redd (discontinued) 
15. Mr. Money 

16. Mr. Lost 

17. Mr. Lie 

18. Mr. Mad 

19. Mr. Scary 

20. Mr. Stripes 


« SCP-628 | SCP-629 | SCP-630 » 


been several years into his career with the Foundation at that point 
when the file went live. In the intervening three decades the O5 
Council had never made any comment on the subject and quiet 
warnings were issued to those who began questioning the decision 
too loudly. Reichardt remembered it as the day his father resigned; 
moreso, he felt like he had watched a part of his father die that day. 
Following the intentional decolonization of Earth in the 2170s the 
planet had been used as a resource; within decades it was a ghost 
of its former self, a husk that had been thoroughly reaped and left to 
decay back into the soil it had once emerged from. Less than a 
million people were still on Earth. The number of stalwart 
populations who'd stayed behind, religious fanatics and survivalists 
and those who believed that mankind should stay where he came 
from, had dwindled to almost nothing and few were the researchers 
or industrialists who believed that the planet had anything more to 
give. There were still a few Foundation-controlled facilities even, or 
so the rumors went. Keter objects whose threats of global or galactic 
destruction the Foundation hadn't been willing to risk leaving behind 
to chance. 


Why now, then? Reichardt's body ached from being in his cubicle 
chair for too long but the soreness was rapidly dulling behind the 
mask of his growing inebriation. He stood for the first time in hours 
and stretched, staring out the nearby window at the vast universe 
beyond. Earth wasn't visible from this station and Reichardt felt a 
twinge of regret. He'd never married or sired children and as an only 
child, he was the last in his line. No Reichardt would ever step foot 
on Earth again, and at his age he would likely not be approved for 
off-site travel until his retirement. Even then there was no guarantee. 
What's changed? The twisting pipes on his monitor had fully 
covered the screen and quickly blinked out of existence, the fresh 
blackness penetrated by red and white pipes this time. 


Alone in the emptiness of space with tens of thousands of others, 
Aiden Reichardt felt more than a single planet slip through his grasp. 


Item Description: A flask of an unidentified alcoholic 
liquid which is constantly replenished as it is drained. 
Date of Recovery: 4/16/2377 

Location of Recovery: Recovered from the personal 


effects of a deceased employee on Foundation Satellite 
Station - 
Current Status: In storage. 


| hope you get back to me soon 


SCP FOUNDATION STANDARD 


COMPUTER TERMINAL 


WELCOME TO YOUR NEW 
AUTHORIZED FOUNDATION 
COMPUTER TERMINAL. TO ALLOW 
FOR AUTOMATIC REBOOT OF 
SYSTEMS PLEASE INPUT THE 
PROPER CREDENTIALS 


INPUT LEVEL 2 PRIMARY SECURITY CREDENTIALS 


Command:\users\personnel\lssac_Holland>_ 
491412248-009342555 


AUTHORIZATION GRANTED. PRIMARY MEMETIC 
KILL AGENTS DISENGAGED. GOOD EVENING, DR 
HOLLAND 


ACCESSING FILES... 


ACCESSING DATA LOG. PLEASE INPUT EVENT 
DATE AND EVENT DETAILS 


Date: / / 


Event Data: I'm not exactly sure how to use this thing, but | hope 
you get this daddy. Hil!!! It's been so long since you left us, | hope 
you get back to me. 


Date: / / 


Event Data: | know you're a long time away and the time might be 
different where you are but can you 
PLLLLLLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEEE respond? We 
miss you. 


Date: // 


Event Data: HAPPY NEW YEAR DADDY! If | find a way, | could 
hopefully send you some pictures of the drawings Tommy has been 
making for me. They're so cute. Please get back to me when you've 
found her. Love, Kim. :) 


Date: // 


Event Data: Hey dad, I've been fiddling around with your old watch 
you had in the attic. | think | can make it work again. A lot of 
electrical stuff has been starting to work like normal but it's really 
slow and wonky. Maybe that's why these messages aren't being 
sent to you. I'll post what David thinks. See ya. 


Date: // 


Event Data: David said that this computer was made in the 80's or 
something lol. Europa still hasn't left our sky yet and people have 
been thinking that it's been the cause of the power going out or 
something like that. :P Anyway, good night dad, I'm goin to bed. 


Date: // 


Event Data: Hey dad, I've been pretty sad lately and Tommy won't 
talk to me. | just really need a hug. :,( 


Okay, bye. 


Date: // 


Event Data: There was this comet that flew past Earth and David 
said the light reflections was the main thing that turned Europa 
purple. It was soooo beautiful and also cute because Tommy took 
me up on top of a hill to watch it with me. | blushed so hard when he 
hugged me and kissed my cheek. | was like crying OMG. 


BTW this "event data" thingy is kinda annoying... Do you know how 
to turn it off? 


Date: // 


Event Data: David has been looking at some old shops that have 
spare parts and old computer stuff. | asked if he could get me a 
scanner so | can send you some drawings. Anyway, see you 
tomorrow dad! Love ya! :D 


Date: // 


Event Data: David was pestering me again today about how | could 
unlock this SCP computer. | showed him your card and the 
password and stuff. | hope you don't get mad daddy, he was just SO 
annoying and | needed to shut him up. Talk to you later. Please 
respond...? :) 


Date: / / 
Event Data: Tommy was so romantic today! He took me to see the 


Eiffel Tower and It was AMAZING! Thank god for that wormhole 
haha lol jk. But seriously | love him! HEHEHEHE I'll talk to you 


tomorrow dad!!! :D 


Date: / / 


Event Data: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!! | hope the other people in 
your shuttle give you cake or whatever. :P Love you! Oh and Tommy 
says hi! XD 

Date: / / 


Event Data: Tommy was crying today because he missed his mom 
and | asked if he wanted to stay with me for a little while. | Know I'm 
14 dad but | can perfectly handle a guy sleeping over at our house 
for a few months lololol. Anyway, love ya! Kim. <3 

Date: / / 

Event Data: Why did you leave me daddy? | miss you so much! 
Please come home. 

Date: / / 

Event Data: David was scared today that our universe is gonna 
collapse because of the spacial anomolys (did | spell that right? :P), 


and that's also why we ended up near Jupiter. Is all that true?? 


| don't wanna die tho. 


Date: / / 


Event Data: David managed to get some of Tommy's drawings onto 
the computer interface. HOPE IT WORKS! LOVE YOU! 


Date: / / 


Event Data: | fucking hate you dad! You selfish fucking cunt! | saw 


the photos and the backed-up diary entries that were on this fucking 
thing and | know exactly what you were doing! WHY THE FUCK 
WOULD YOU ABANDON ME JUST TO FLY INTO SPACE AND 
FIND SOME ASTRONAUT CIRCLING AROUND SATURN'S 
ORBIT ???!!!!! | don't give a shit if it's your wife! You still left me 
here... You fucking coward! 


Date: / / 


Event Data: Why do you have to be so far away? 


Date: / / 


Event Data: My attempts at suicide haven't worked yet... I'll keep 
you posted. 


Date: / / 


Event Data: Tommy found me with my wrists slit in the bathtub this 
morning. Maybe it's because the sun is so dark... And the moon 
doesn't exist... All we have is that massive blue moon hovering just 
above our atmosphere. Whenever | walk down the streets people 
are crying, or jumping off of buildings, or doing whatever... 


... Or maybe | just can't see properly... 

Tommy seems to be the only one that's happy in this world, the only 
person | can trust. Goodnight dad. 

Date: / / 


Event Data: I'm sorry for being mean to you a few weeks ago... | 
just need you so badly right now. Tommy says that | should be 
emptying out my emotions to him rather that you but... I'm scared 
daddy. Please come home. | miss you so much. 


Date: / / 


Event Data: Please come home. :,( 


Command:\date\log_search\prompt>_ 


RECOVERING DATA... 


FINAL MESSAGE SENT: 163 YEARS AGO 


Command:\override\file\script>_65553423-1243409 


ACCESSING PHOTOS... 


++ ACCESS ALL IMAGES ON TERMINAL ++ 


Hehe... It looks so cute doesn't it dad? 


ACCESSING DATA LOGGER... 


PLEASE INPUT EVENT DATE AND EVENT DETAILS 


Date: // 


SCP-630: Black Glacier 


Item #: SCP-630 
Object Class: Euclid