don't ya? Look, that's ... it ain't really how | 
operate, but | get where you're coming from, 
sure. | want people to laugh when | talk to 'em, 
not make in their pants, y'know? So yeah, 
sure, | can't make any promises, but I'll try to 
keep my trap shut for now. But could ya at 
least ask your boys to stick to the knock-out 
pills instead of the junk in the spray cans? That 
stuff can't be good for the ozone layer. 


Dr. Mills: I'll see what | can do. Now, shall we 
begin? 


SCP-3369-1: Shoot. 
Dr. Mills: Do you know a Mr. Beneventi? 


SCP-3369-1: Oh hey, yeah, good ol' Andy! 
How's he doing these days? 


Dr. Mills: The last report | read, he was doing 
just fine. How did you come to meet Mr. 
Beneventi? 


SCP-3369-1: Eh, wish | could tell ya, doc. 
Things get kinda fuzzy going back that far. | 
mean, heck, what do you remember about 
being born? Not much, | bet. 


Dr. Mills: | see. Why do you propagate the 
way you do? 


SCP-3369-1: What's that? Like, why do | get 
into people's heads? 


Dr. Mills: Yes. 


SCP-3369-1: Ah, | dunno, it's kinda stupid. But 
| tell ya what, doc. I'm gonna answer your 
question with a question. 


Dr. Mills: Is that so? Go ahead. 


SCP-3369-1: Am | funny? 


Dr. Mills: You ... do have a way with words, 
certainly. 


SCP-3369-1: Nah, nah, not like that! | mean, 
y'know, the joke! The me joke! | know you 
heard the joke, right, or else | wouldn't be here 
hanging out in your noggin. 


Dr. Mills: Ah, you are referring to SCP-3369. 


SCP-3369-1: Yeah, sure, that thing! So when 
you heard it ... didja laugh? 


Dr. Mills: /oause] |'m afraid it wasn't quite my 
type of humor. 


SCP-3369-1: Oh. Uh, wow. 
Dr. Mills: | apologize if- 


SCP-3369-1: No, hey, forget about it. Can't 
please everybody, everybody's a critic, et 
cetera, et cetera. It's just ... 


Dr. Mills: Yes? 


SCP-3369-1: Ah, seriously, it's pretty 
embarrassing. 


Dr. Mills: I'm not here to judge, SCP-3369-1. 
Please, | want to hear it. 


SCP-3369-1: Okay, it's just that ... yeah. 
Yeah, | know. I'm no great shakes. It hurts to 
hear somebody say it out loud, that's for damn 
sure, but it ain't like | don't know. So yeah, | 
may have gotten a little obnoxious, maybe 
started getting into people's heads when | 
shouldn'ta oughta. But if | don't do it, then ... 
then ain't nobody gonna give a damn about 


me, are they? I'd be just another mediocre 
joke being told by a talentless hack in a third- 
rate dive. | mean, what good is an idea if 
nobody's thinking it, right? What good is a joke 
if it ain't getting told? 


[pause] 


SCP-3369-1: Look, doc, you mind if we call it 
done for the day? 


Dr. Mills: Not at all, SCP-3369-1. I'm afraid 
we're going to have to remove you in just a 
minute, but I'll make sure to use a pill instead 
of the spray. 


SCP-3369-1: Ha! Thanks, doc. You're a 
peach. 


<End Log> 
« SCP-3368 | SCP-3369 | SCP-3370 » 


SCP-3370: Dead Air 


Item #: SCP-3370 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: As SCP-3370's effects cease 
once the subject leaves the affected flight, disinformation campaigns 
currently center around depicting "Miriam Wells" as a local hoax/in- 
joke similar to the Bielefeld Conspiracy. Several popular social 
media accounts including an "/r/miriamwells" subreddit and 
"Official Miriam Wells" Facebook page have been established and 
are currently operated by Disinformation Division operatives. 


Description: SCP-3370 is Gate 43 of the Sydney Kingsford-Smith 
International Airport. SCP-3370's anomalous properties only 
manifest for passengers who have spent more than two hours in 
SCP-3370, and is otherwise non-anomalous in appearance and 
physical properties. 


When a passenger meeting the above criteria boards a flight 
departing from Gate 43, they will perceive every flight attendant as a 
woman with the physical appearance and mannerisms of Miriam 
Wells, a highway patrol officer who disappeared in late 2009 
following a routine patrol. 


SCP-3370's anomalous effects cease once the flight lands. 
Electronic recordings of time spent on the flight uniformly fail to 
reveal any anomalous phenomena!, and passengers not affected by 
SCP-3370 report no anomalous effects. 


Addendum SCP-3370-a: In an effort to determine the boundaries 
for activation of SCP-3370's anomalous effects, Researcher Lai 
Zhuanmei proposed a test wherein an agent would be provided a 
ticket for one flight departing from Gate 43, but board a different 
flight departing from the same gate. The test was approved and the 
appropriate negotiations made, with Assistant Researcher Renfield 


being selected as a test subject due to the low likelihood of danger. 


The following log is a transcript of footage recovered from A. R. 
Renfield's supplied body-camera. 


[EXTRANEOUS FOOTAGE REDACTED FOR 
BREVITY] 


[Surrounding passengers appear to be asleep, as would 
be expected given the late departure time of the flight.] 


A. R. Renfield: Hallucinations reported almost directly 
after take-off, as expected. All the nametags even read 
M. Wells, too: surprising level of detail for a 
cognitohazard like this. Will perform the usual test. 


[Renfield calls an attendant over: appearance does not 
match that of Ms. Wells. Renfield asks for a glass of 
water and receives the drink without incident. ] 


Renfield: | know it's not quite professional conduct, but 
the body camera'll keep rolling. | think | can afford a 30- 
minute nap for the time being. 


[Renfield shifts the camera so as to face the aisle from 
her window seat: the view is noticeably blocked by the 
passenger seated next to her. Approximately five 
minutes afterwards, she falls asleep. No further 
noticeable activity until seventy-five minutes afterwards, 
when a shift in her position momentarily covers the 
camera with a blanket. The passenger next to her now 
appears to be Miriam Wells.] 


[EXTRANEOUS FOOTAGE REDACTED] 


[Renfield is now awake, as is the other passenger. The 
apparent change in the passenger's appearance appears 
to have been noticed by Renfield herself.] 


Renfield: Good morning, Miss. 


[Passenger does not respond for two minutes.] 


SCP-435-2 is an irregularly shaped object that currently has 
approximate dimensions of 15 m x 12 m x 48 m. SCP-435-2 
appears somewhat blurred in the visible spectrum, but computer- 
enhanced imagery in various spectra has shown a complex 
structure showing a three-fold symmetry along the longitudinal axis. 
Extending from the axis are long tube-like structures that share 
characteristics both with biological organisms (in particular, 
cephalopods of the order Teuthida) and with mathematical models 
of higher-order fractals. These structures show undulating 
movements even when SCP-435-2 is stationary. SCP-435-2 does 
not appear to have mass or inertia, and appears only to be visible 
due to refraction of light passing through it, and because of [DATA 
EXPUNGED] resulting in Cherenkov radiation of varying intensity. 
Any physical object with mass that comes in contact with SCP-435-2 
will suffer an instantaneous change in velocity and direction away 
from SCP-435-2 without any loss in energy. This is apparently 
caused by being reflected through a higher-order spatial dimension. 
If the affected mass is in a solid phase, this reflection will cause a 
change in topology that can result in either an inversion (turning 
inside out), a reflection (mirroring of all or part of physical structure), 
or a [DATA EXPUNGED] and high levels of gamma radiation. 


Because of these characteristics, it is currently impossible to directly 
affect SCP-435-2 with any means currently at the Foundation’s 
disposal. However, it can be moved indirectly by moving SCP-435-1. 
SCP-435-2 maintains a fixed position relative to SCP-435-1 as long 
as SCP-435-1 is sufficiently illuminated. (SCP-435-2’s current 
position is km northwest of SCP 435-1 on avector ° above the 
horizon; about m above sea-level.) Movements of SCP-435-1 
have caused SCP-435-2 to move a proportional amount, 
maintaining a fixed distance and bearing. 


If SCP-435-1 ceases to be sufficiently illuminated for a period of time 
exceeding 8.3 us, the behavior of SCP-435-2 will change. 
SCP-435-2 will enter an active state and begin random erratic 
movements orbiting the location of SCP-435-1. Average distance 
from SCP-435-1 will increase, and the apparent volume of 
SCP-435-2 will also increase. The rate of increase in both distance 
and size appears to undergo a geometric progression over time, and 
neither has been observed to decrease. This behavior will cease 


Renfield: Isn't it a little warm right now? 
[Passenger does not respond for three minutes.] 
Renfield: ...| see. 


[Renfield calls an attendant over using the supplied 
console, before looking out the opened window. Faint 
orange light can be seen coming from the window, 
although at this point in the footage, no clear view of the 
window can be seen.] 


Renfield: What in the- 


Intercom: And to your left, you'll be able to see Sydney 
from our current altitude of 270 kilometers. 


[Renfield adjusts her position such that the outside is 
more clearly visible from the camera's vantage point. The 
landscape is composed of several hundred 
interconnected roads, interspersed with long stretches of 
outback landscape: identical cars, apparently police 
cruisers, can be seen appearing, driving up and down, 
and disappearing from these roads at sporadic intervals. 
After a minute, the sound of a trolley moving up the aisle 
can be heard and Renfield turns to face the attendant.] 


Renfield: Attendant, could you get me a glass of water? 


[The attendant, as consistent with reports of other 
SCP-3370-affected subjects, appears to be Miriam 
Wells, dressed in full highway patrol uniform. Her arms 
appear to be heavily sunburnt. ] 


Attendant: Please keep your hands and arms inside the 
Car, sir. 


Renfield: I'm sorry? 


Attendant: It's dangerous to be out here this time of 
night, mate. You want a ride? 


Renfield: No, I- I'd like some water, please. 
Attendant: Long drive from here back up to Melbourne. 


Renfield: You're not making sense, please, I- | just want 
a drink. Anything. 


[Attendant retches loudly, before wiping her hand with 
her mouth. Hands now have wounds consistent with 
second and third degree burns.] 


Attendant: You didn't come up here with supplies? Are 
you stupid or just crazy, love? 


Renfield: What? I'm sorry, | don't- it's so hot in here- 


Attendant: I'll radio base. They'll be here to pick us up in 
a day at most. 


Renfield: | can't breathe- 


Attendant: Come on, Lanna. You've got to keep your 
head up. 


[A loud crash sounds from the front of the plane. No 
movement is visible from any of the other passengers, 
though Renfield appears to have passed out as a result 
of the heat.] 


Attendant: Oh, don't give me that look. 


[The attendant bends down to kiss Renfield, momentarily 
exposing the extremely disfigured face of Ms. Wells. 
Similar burn wounds have now appeared over her neck 
and collarbone, exposing the bone underneath. Smoke 
appears to be leaking into the cabin from an unknown 
source. Apparently attempting to communicate with 
Renfield, the attendant emits a loud rasping noise, 
before walking towards the apparent source of the 
smoke. Smoke then totally obscures the lens of the 
camera, rendering all further footage unusable.] 


[END LOG] 


After the flight landed without incident, Assistant Researcher 
Renfield was discovered to have passed out from apparent hypoxia 
and was later found to be suffering from severe symptoms of smoke 
inhalation. Notably, when opened, her suitcase contained a 50.9- 
kilogram piece of severely-burnt human flesh in the rough shape of 
a torso. DNA testing has been inconclusive as to its source. 


Footnotes 
1. SeeAddendum SCP-3370-a. 


SCP-3371: Beautiful Inside My Head Forever 


SCP-3371 in containment. 


Item #: SCP-3371 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3371 is to be contained 
within a high-grade intangible humanoid containment chamber 
(minimal furnishing). Requests pertaining to the use of artistic 
implements are to be denied. 


SCP-3371-1 through SCP-3371-7 are to be contained within a high- 
value object warehouse, and monitored via CCTV cameras. 
Following a Reanimation Event, relevant containers are to be 
examined for damages and repaired appropriately. 


Description: SCP-3371 is an incorporeal entity bearing heavy 
resemblance to English contemporary artist Damien Hirst, barring 
two small, round scars located on its temples. SCP-3371 is entirely 
intangible, passing through solid surfaces with no evident 
resistance. 


SCP-3371 was initially captured after reports centralized within the 
Tate Modern art gallery suggested the presence of a male figure 
‘passing through walls'. MTF Mu-13 ("Ghostbusters") was 
dispatched, and apprehended SCP-3371 as it observed a series of 
paintings. 


Efforts to locate Hirst for interview have been unsuccessful. 


SCP-3371-1 through SCP-3371-7 designate a series of periodically 
animate exhibitions and objects, all of which SCP-3371 claims to 
have created during its corporeal state. 


‘Reanimation Events' tend to occur with a frequency of one every 
twelve days, each event lasting for approximately four hours. The 


specific effects are unique to each object, but generally 
characterised by the movement of a previously deceased animal or 


inanimate object. 


SUBJECT 


SCP-3371-1 


SCP-3371-2 


SCP-3371-3 


SCP-3371-4 


DESCRIPTION 


The Physical 
Impossibility of Death 
in the Mind of 
Someone Living, the 
carcass of a mature 
tiger shark within a 
glass vitrine. 
Preserved via 
formaldehyde solution. 


For The Love of God, 
a diamond-encrusted 
human skull cast from 
platinum. 


The Dream, the 
carcass of a foal. A 
prominent resin ‘horn’ 
is located on the 
forehead in order to 
simulate the classic 
depiction of a 
‘unicorn’. Preserved 
via formaldehyde 
solution. 

The Golden Calf, a 
white calf with gilded 
horns and hooves, 
topped with a 
decorative golden 


ANIMATE 

PROPERTIES 
The shark thrashes 
violently, often 
shattering or 
otherwise damaging 
the vitrine. In the 
event that 
SCP-3371-1 breaches 
its container, it will 
proceed to roll onto its 
back and cease the 
function of its vital 
organs. 
SCP-3371-2 will 
chatter rapidly, 
displaying an 
estimated bite force of 
3,200 psi. No visible 
damages to teeth. 
SCP-3371-3 has been 
observed to violently 
buck its hind legs 
against its container in 
an attempt to break 
through. It has thus far 
been unsuccessful in 
doing so. 


SCP-3371-4 will 
behave similarly to 
SCP-3371-3, kicking 
its container in an 
attempt to shatter the 


SCP-3371-5 


SCP-3371-6 


SCP-3371-7 


plate. Preserved via 


glass. SCP-3371-4 


formaldehyde solution.has been successful 


For Heaven's Sake, a 
platinum casting of an 
infant's skull, studded 
with both pink and 
white diamonds. 


on two separate 
occasions, both of 
which it spent slowly 
circling SCP-3371-3's 
container. 
SCP-3371-5 will ‘cry’, 
resulting in a long, 
piercing noise 
emanating from the 
skull, followed by 
small teardrop-shaped 
diamonds forming 
around the sockets. 
No relevance to 
SCP-3371-2, barring 
superficial similarities. 


A Thousand Years, an The head will lift and 
exhibition consisting jofhover, as if connected 


a decomposing cow's 
head, several Musca 
domestica’ larvae, 
and an electric insect 
killer. A pool of dried 
blood is present 
around the head. 


Mickey, a gloss 
painting, consisting of 
twelve coloured dots, 
intending to form the 
figure of popular 
cartoon character 
‘Mickey Mouse’. 


to a living cow, and 
‘graze’ on a non- 
existent pasture for 
approximately five 
minutes. It will then 
remain at a standstill 
for the remaining 
period of time, 
accompanied by a 
distinct 'squelching' 
sound.