approximating, | dunno, affection. A 
rush of unwanted serotonin. There was 
that black nothingness in my head 
though, and it had almost consumed 
me entirely. My psyche was screaming, 
| felt reality slipping away. All of that 
was reflected in its eyes, and then | 
could feel it spreading through my 
body. It was like if memory could catch 
cancer. 


| pushed the creature off, and beat it 
with a nearby encyclopedia from my 
bookshelf. | could hear it whining, 
yelping, like it was scared of me. But | 
had to do something, anything to get 
the hole in my head to go away. | had 
half a mind to shoot it between its 
empty black eyes, | couldn't. | wanted to 
so badly but something was pulling at 
me to stop. Because once | got it to 
bleed, it turned and loped away, looking 
back on me one with those eyes. Its 
gaze filled the hallway. It was upset | 
had somehow betrayed it. 


Dr. F. Johansson: You could read its 
emotions? 


Mr. Byron: Yeah, | assumed it was part 
of the memetic effect when we 
interviewed those affected, but when it 
happened to me there was the awful 
sinking feeling that it was some bond 
that was permanently severed. The 
hole was keeping me from this thing. It 
felt like | had once known it, once loved 
it. | have no idea how | was ever able to 
love something that alien, that 
monstrous. That was the worst thing of 


SCP-839: Candied Worms 


Item #: SCP-839 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: All instances of SCP-839 are to 
be kept in containment chamber 839-1. The chamber is to be 
supplied with approximately half (1/2) of a kilogram of various plant 
matter daily. Mating of SCP-839 is to be regulated, and any extra 
instances of SCP-839 are to be kept in Foundation medical centers 
for treatment of ill individuals. 


Description: SCP-839 appears to be a species of annelid 
composed of sugar, flavouring and colouring. A microscopic label 
stating "CANDIED WORM" is found near each instance's posterior, 
followed by a smaller label stating the instance's "flavour". Each 
"flavour" is currently designated as SCP-839-x. 


SCP-839 is generally found in temperate areas. SCP-839's diet 
mainly consists of decomposing organic matter, however when there 
is no decaying matter apparent SCP-839 may ingest live plant 
matter. SCP-839 sexually reproduces. Mating [REDACTED], 
followed by the egg hatching into a newborn instance of SCP-839. 


When SCP-839 is ingested by any mammal, it will burrow through 
the stomach lining and towards a specialized organ. The choice of 
organ appears to be dependent on SCP-839's "flavour". SCP-839 
will then attach itself to the organ and slowly ingest it. While the 
organ disappears, SCP-839 will change in form and chemical 
composition in order to match the organ. SCP-839 does not act asa 
perfect replacement, and other effects may occur. This process may 
take to days to complete.! 


SCP-839 has an average lifespan of three years. Users of SCP-839 
are recommended to replace their integrated instance with a new 
instance every two years. 


all, the fact that even as a trained agent 
there was still the possibility that this 
disgusting monster could affect me, that 
even many years of mental resistance 
training could not stop me from 
whatever it was doing. It was utterly 
wrong, but every time | tried to defend 
myself its eyes just became sadder and 
sadder. 


Dr. F. Johansson: Wait, you didn't turn 
it in immediately? 


Mr. Byron: | couldn't even pick it up 
without the hole burning into my brain. | 
did give it over to the site, but only after 
a few days later when it started to 
attack me despite my best efforts. But 
even as it bit my hand, the eyes just got 
sadder and sadder. You ever try to fight 
something that's got a grip on your 
soul? It was something...that goes 
beyond memetics. | betrayed it. That's 
the only word for what the feeling was. | 
struggle with the fact that the betrayal 
never happened, it was impossible. But 
the evidence kept piling up. | later found 
cans of disgusting meat with some 
pictures of the entities on them, inedible 
cookies | never purchased, even a 
photograph of me holding the goddamn 
fucking thing on an elastic strip. 
Something happened, whether a reality 
shift or sudden visitation or something 
more insidious I'm not sure, but these 
monsters never just dropped out of the 
sky. There was something beyond their 
alien quality that made them wrong, 
some ineffable connection. | was told 
by the onsite memeticist a day later 


following their arrival that most people 
had been affected by the same meme 
that affected the state police, made 
them unconcerned. The outside world 
owned them, called them "doogs" or 
something. Maybe doges. I'll stick with 
doogs, sounds closer. 


Dr. F. Johansson: That must be 
incorrect. Having seen the photographs 
you've provided, | can safely say no 
people outside Molinsky or even 
Wisconsin have ever seen a "doog." 
We're interviewing you so the public 
can know to avoid these creatures. 


Mr. Byron: Really? I'm glad people 
have seen the light. | was aware 
recently they had appeared outside 
Molinsky and the county. | saw a show 
on TV where they were jumping 
through hoops and my head had never 
felt worse. 


Dr. F. Johansson: One last question. 
Why did you and your colleagues feel 
the need to disguise the site as a 
refinery? It seems unnecessary. 


Mr. Byron: Hmm. | honestly forget. | 
think perhaps it had something to do 
with the doogs. Like you know how the 
FBI or NSA used to disguise data 
collection sites? But | doubt the town 
would have been scared, since 
organizations containing the anomalous 
have been in the public eye as long as | 
can remember. 


Dr. F. Johansson: But the nature of 
the animals would have alarmed 


people. 


Mr. Byron: Yes, there would have been 
mass panic. 


Dr. F. Johansson: Jamie Byron, thank 
you. 


Mr. Byron: No problem. 


After several years of peer review prior to publication, the 
editors of the Astrolabe Institute journal discovered that 
although the creatures he referred to as "doogs" Mr. Byron 
described were indeed a threat, they were likely not the 
cause of his illness, considering that most had been 
eradicated by city governments not long after the interview. 
Instead, it has been determined that these animals were 
commonplace creatures affected by humans perceiving 
them through a severe conceptual deficiency. Thus, 457- 
DIZZY-COW Occurrence has been expanded and altered 
from the Danger Level Green entities to the Danger Level 
Blue interview subject, and his illness. 


If any of you have been attacked by these creatures, and 
do not recognize them, call us immediately. Additionally 
understand that they were a domesticated species, and 
despite your brain telling you otherwise, are dependent on 
you. If you or any relatives note the sudden appearance or 
disappearance of an object or concept, accompanied by the 
sensation of a "hole in the head," or the feeling of 
emptiness, call us immediately. Please help the Astrolabe 
Institute put an end to 457-DIZZY-COW Occurrence, by 
assisting us with containment. For information on how you 
can contain 451-DIZZY-COW Occurrence, please turn to 
the back of the journal or call us at the number above. 


The Astrolabe Institute is investigating. The Astrolabe 
Institute is here for the public. 


This Document is Excerpted from the Astrolabe Institute 
Journal, and is copyright the Astrolabe Institute. The 
Astrolabe Institute is a distinct entity from any other private 
containment and awareness operations operating 
worldwide. 


©The Astrolabe Institute 


Excerpts from Training Seminars for Lesser Known 
Foundation Careers 


Architectural Zoologist 


Next slide, Gertrude. 


Living buildings are surprisingly rare in this day and age, but there 
are some buildings that the uneducated consider ‘alive’. These 
structures are, more likely, possessed by some thaumaturgical, 
demonic, or spiritual force. 


How does one find a building that is truly alive? Next slide, Gertrude. 
Firstly, most living buildings, particularly houses, are very old, run 
down, and usually abandoned. Look for more modern 
neighborhoods- post-1950s especially- that have buildings in them 
that seem to date back to before 1900. If you see Beaver Cleaver's 
house next to the Addams Family's, there's a good chance the latter 
is alive. 


Next, they are going to generate waste. That means that it is going 
to smell squalid. This is a picture of the basement of a specimen of 
Colonialis gigantis from Louisiana; as you can see, the dung 
resembles that of an elephant, but with- Gertrude, next slide- 


But with inclusions of human bone and what we believe to be a 
small dog— 


Oh, god dammit. There's a reason we provide the bags, you know. 
No matter, happens at least once a year. Next slide, Gertrude. 


Post-Mortem Assurance 


Specialist 


Your job isn't to kill them if they get back up. Your job is to make 
sure they can't get back up. You're a vital part of the medical culture 
of the Foundation, and nobody should tell you otherwise. Now, if 
you'll direct your attention to the screen... 


After the preliminary exam but before the autopsy, the first course of 
action is to, naturally, remove the extremities. You start with the 
head; firstly, you drive the Collins Device- the "Spike" as the lab 
techs term it- into the brain stem and remove it. Then, you remove 
the head. Unfortunately, the easiest way to do this is witha 
guillotine, as you'll see now. 


Now, for the removal of the limbs. The hands and feet are removed 
individually, and stored separately from the forearms and upper 
arms, and the calves and thighs respectively. Yes, we are that 
thorough. 


You there, in the orange shirt. Question? Yes, there have been 
cases where we have found that the cadaver was, in fact, still alive 
as he was being dismembered. 


That's why we remove the head first. 


Anomalous Game Tester 


This is one of the riskiest jobs in the Foundation. 


Don't laugh. I've had people have heart attacks from being sucked 
into a game and trying to figure out how to beat it and possibly 
neutralize the anomaly. Ever see someone die while playing a 
Galaga knockoff that won't let you stop playing until you've put in 
twenty dollars in change for continues? | have. 


Arcade games are easily the most dangerous; back when they were 
popular, unscrupulous designers would do anything to get an extra 
buck. About 200 of the original Gauntlet cabinets were co-designed 


by Prometheus Labs and embedded with a cognitocompulsive 
message that made people withdraw half their bank accounts to 
beat it. 


Hell, even some of the original Breakout cabinets have an inherent 
anomaly in them. There's a bar in England that was destroyed after 
the ball escaped from the cabinet's screen and bounced around the 
room, killing twenty people. The ball itself is currently somewhere in 
the Oort cloud. 


And that's not even starting on the weird shit Nintendo got up to in 
the 1990s. Three words: living fucking Pokémon. 


Containment Cell Maintenance 
Specialist 


And that is what happens when the power grid isn't properly 
maintained, and why you should always be protected against 
electrical surges when you work at Site-44. 


One of the most common problems we get in maintenance- 
especially in bio-sites- is flesh or other biomatter spreading into the 
air ducts. Thankfully, it's well-filtered enough that it doesn't spread to 
the rest of the site, but it means that air can't come in. That's a 
problem. 


What you do is this. Take out your plasma torch, and burn the 
mother. It'll reek to high heaven, probably release some 
carcinogens, but in case it isn't clear, I'll say this again: 


Wear protection, you idiots. 


That's half this seminar right there. That. Wear protection. Don't 
snicker, you know what | mean. 


Computational Epidemiologist 


Computer viruses spread much faster than a virus among humans. 
This is especially true of viruses that are anomalous, and it is very 
difficult to distinguish between an anomalous computer virus and a 
mundane one. Both of them give your computer the digital 
equivalent of herpes, but more often than not, an anomalous 
computer virus is usually just a Trojan that can interface with a 
human covertly. Your fingers on the keyboard are the agent of 
infection. I've seen entire companies have their databases 
destroyed by the spread of unchecked Organic Interface Viruses. 


Some of the more famous computer incidents you know about were 
caused- or almost caused- by OIVs. The Y2K bug wasn't so much a 
‘bug’ in the computer sense, but more of a 'bug' in the 'achoo' sense. 
Script kiddy in lowa made it, and it's one of the earliest examples of 
an OIV. Harmless to humans, can make a computer commit 
sepukku. If anyone here is from Kansas or lowa and your internet 
sucks, now you know why. 


Do OIlVs mutate to infect humans? They can, but rarely do. When 
they do... imagine the data structure of a computer trying to impose 
itself on a human brain. It's... not pretty. Imagine your brain, 
replaced with a can of Campbell's chunky soup. Now imagine that 
can being dumped into the Marianas Trench, and bursting under the 
pressure. 


It's not at all like that. It's worse, because a soup can in your head 
will kill you. Most victims of mutated OIVs actually survive. But, 
that's why we have Computational Virologists. That seminar is in this 
room at 4:00, in case any of you want to stay and see that. 


Practical Demonologist 


Contrary to popular belief, some demons do, in fact, have some 
remains that they leave behind once they've expired. Most of them 
amount to piles of ash with some teeth and horns, but in some 
cases- specifically if they're eliminated in extreme cold- they leave 
behind more intact specimens. 


This one, for instance, is- yes, | Know, it's mostly made up of 
phalluses. Quit laughing. This is what an incubus looks like without 
any glamour on it. We managed to dissect it, and found that its 
structure was not carbon-based, silicon-based, or even sulfur-based. 
This is an arsenic-based organism. You may have heard about the 
discovery of arsenic-based bacteria by Felisa Wolfe-Simon's team in 
2010? Unfortunately, that was discredited, but this... this gave new 
light onto the shores of hell. 


Incubi, of course, take on more attractive forms than this in order to 
seduce and damn innocent women. This one, when it was alive, 
took the form of a fifty-year-old man wearing a rather tatty wolf 
costume in the middle of a convention hall. Naturally, nobody would 
be alone with him, and he was booted out by the staff. 


In case this point hasn't been made clear: the forces of hell are not 
the most intelligent. The Devil Inside is, honestly, the most accurate 
portrayal of demonic possession we've seen put to film. 


Oneirologist 


This is a dream diary. It is the most useful tool in your arsenal. 
Despite the fact that we study dreams, we take this very seriously. 
There are entire imaginary countries in the dreamscape, social 
networks, an entire private internet only accessible in your sleep. 
But, dreams being dreams, it's almost impossible to remember 
them. Hence, the dream diary. 


You all know about lucid dreaming, and that is an incredibly useful 
skill, one which keeping a dream diary will help you train. There is a 
second skill you need to learn, which is both difficult, and rewarding. 
The ability to fall asleep and wake up on command. 


We'll go over that in the next bit, but for now, I'd like to give a 
practical demonstration. | will fall asleep, and record my dreams in 
my dream diary. It'll be a minute, at most. 


Observe. 


"Is she okay?" 
"Medic!" 


"In hindsight, she probably shouldn't have done that standing up." 


Counter-Forensic Accountant