A wide variety of architectural styles are represented in SCP-3168-1 
physiology. Although the factors determining architectural style 
remain to be elucidated, 75-80% of SCP-3168-1 instances parented 
by a given pair of chickens will consistently manifest the same style, 
with the remainder being an assorted mixture. The breed(s) of the 
parents does not seem to play a part: for example, when hen 3168- 
F-417 is bred to rooster 3168-M-131, the offspring have consistently 
been 75% split-level ranch, while the offspring of that same hen with 
rooster 3168-M-132 have consistently been 75% Pacific lodge, even 
though all three birds are purebred Orpington chickens. <4% of 
instances are non-residential in nature, including but not limited to 
convenience stores, stadiums, water filtration plants, grain elevators, 
warehouses, movie theaters, greenhouses, parking garages, and 
exact replicas of Saint Paul's Cathedral, the Taj Mahal, and the 
Parliament House of Ghana. Many structures will have carpeting, 
plumbing fixtures, and electrical wiring; however, furniture is rare. All 
locks on instances with the same parents will be openable by the 
same key (or proportionately reduced copies thereof). 


Incident Log: In June 2005, an unrelated containment breach led to 
the collapse of a retaining wall at Area-12, where a brood of six 
instances of SCP-3168-1 were being raised for study. Five of the 
instances were killed when the wall fell on them; however, debris 
from the wall was misidentified as having come from the sixth 
instance, which instead escaped into the wild. In December 2011, 
the instance (conclusively identified by tissue samples and 
architectural matching) was recovered 800km away, after it fell 
through river ice and drowned; it was 8.5 m tall. 


Acquisition Log: SCP-3168 was obtained from a raid ona 
Marshall, Carter and Dark storage facility; accompanying 
provenance documents showed that a former GRU-P agent traded it 
to MC&D in 1998, in exchange for having his gambling debts 
forgiven. 


Footnotes 
1. female chicken 


2. male chicken 

3. SCP-352 has expressed ignorance of SCP-3168, but did not 
respond to further questioning. 

4. depending on breed of chicken 


SCP-3169: le epic trollface 


Three SCP-3169-1 instances. 


Item #: SCP-3169 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3169 is to be kept ina 
small refrigerated unit. Use of SCP-3169-1 instances for research 
purposes is restricted to personnel of Level-2 security clearance or 
higher. 


Description: SCP-3169 designates six sealed foil bags, marked 
with the words ‘Unsalted Pistachios'. Each bag contains 24 
unshelled and roasted pistachio nuts, henceforth designated 
SCP-3169-1. SCP-3169 instances do not list ingredients or 
nutritional information. 


Upon SCP-3169 being opened, SCP-3169-1 instances will 
metamorphose into live Oncorhynchus mykiss! and Cyprinus 
carpio* specimens over the space of two to four seconds, causing 
the bag to violently rupture. 


Metamorphosed SCP-3169-1 instances are non-anomalous, barring 
the fins, which are typically four times larger than those of an 
average member of their species. 


Addendum 3169.01: Recovery 


SCP-3169 was discovered in 'OneSpot', a small, family-run 
convenience store located in _, UK, after online recordings 
indicated that an extranormal event had occurred. After receiving 
heavy circulation through various social media websites, Foundation 
disinformation campaigns were initiated with the intent to pass the 
footage off as a hoax. 


In total, six SCP-3169 instances were recovered from the scene. All 


eyewitnesses were administered Class-C amnestics. 
Addendum 3169.02: Gol Connections 


Foundation web-crawlers supervising all major social 
communication platforms for Gol-related activity discovered chat 
logs indicating the source of the incident to be 17 year-old Lewis 
Reeves. 


Reeves is an active member of Gol 'Gamers Against Weed’, and 
has engaged in numerous conversations under the online alias 
‘smoka-cola’. 


> Show Excerpt 1 / Gol Chat Log 


smoka-cola: i've done it 

smoka-cola: i've only gone and fucking done 
it lads 

papertrail44: So yeah mint thats pretty much 
it PM me if U wanna know more 

MintyDay: Wait sorry, what's cola done? 
papertrail44: My mum 

papertrail44: Wait shit 

papertrail44: What have you done smoka- 
cola. 

hjcrooke: lol i didnt even realize smoka was in 
this chat 

smoka-cola: you know how like a week ago 
we were 

papertrail44: Wait are you talking about the 
fish 

MintyDay: Dude did it take you a week to 
make some fucking nut fish. 

smoka-cola: talking about finna nut 
smoka-cola: yeah 

smoka-cola: yeah i made like 8 bags. 
smoka-cola: its not like i sat around jerking off 
a magic tome for a week straight it just took a 
while to get it right 

papertrail44: Weak sauce dude 

hjcrooke: it's not even that funny 


hjcrooke: like i could whip up like a 
hjcrooke: uhh a fucking 

~ FunkoPopFan1 has joined the channel. 
FunkoPopFan1 waves. 

hjcrooke: marker that turns into markiplier 
smoka-cola: nice 

hjcrooke: in like a day tops. 

papertrail44: ur shit kid 

papertrail44: Nah but in all seriousnes it's not 
like you drew a dick on the taj Mahal or made 
the mona lisa hold the communist manifesto 
papertrail44: “seriousness 

papertrail44: Stop getting hard over some 
magic bean fish yeah? 

~ smoka-cola has left the channel. 
MintyDay: LMAOO. 

MintyDay: F 

papertrail44: f to pay respects 

hjcrooke: f 

FunkoPopFan1: ffff 


> Show Excerpt 2 / Gol Chat Log 


smoka-cola: is crooke afk or 

MintyDay: Yeah probably cig break. 
MintyDay: Hey sorry for being kind of shitty 
last time you joined. 

MintyDay: You're new or whatever so it's cool 
if you don't really get how we work but like you 
need to start taking stuff less seriously if you 
want to stay. 

smoka-cola: yeah 

MintyDay: and ESPECIALLY if you want 
crooke and trail to not fucking rinse you every 
opportunity they get lol. 

smoka-cola: yeah 

smoka-cola: sorry for bein a lil bitch about it 
MintyDay: Is only gaem why you heff to be 
mad 

MintyDay: Water off a duck's back dude 


MintyDay: | mean under a bridge maybe. 
MintyDay: Fuck it either way you're still cool in 
my books you just need to do more like funny 
shit and not so much little edgy rebellions 
against your parents or whatever that was. 
smoka-cola nods. 

papertrail44: Hello boys and girls whats this 
all about 

papertrail44: having a sneaky bike shed 
convo without me eh 

MintyDay: Like what was that even about? 
smoka-cola: 0 shit 

smoka-cola: it wasnt so much a rebellion as it 
was a general ‘fuck you' 

MintyDay: Did he take your playstation. 
smoka-cola: he got up my ass about me 
being on my laptop all the time 

smoka-cola: said he'd cut off the internet 
smoka-cola: which at this point in my life is p 
much the equivalent of locking me in a cell 
Imao 

MintyDay: That's the saddest shit I've ever 
heard 

smoka-cola: so fuck em 

papertrail44: Yeah that worked real well. 
papertrail44: ‘fuck u dad, here's a bunch of 
garnered media attention towards your failing 
business. Hope that one stings.’ 
smoka-cola: yeah i get it 

papertrail44: Well you can't expect everyone 
to be a greek god like me i guess. 

hjcrooke: for the record i was not on a cig 
break 

papertrail44: Beach body ready. 

hjcrooke: was booking the week off 
smoka-cola: for? 

hjcrooke: new project: walnut mice 
hjcrooke: thinking of pranking my dad by 
filling them with money aswell 

~ bones has joined the channel. 


bones: Knock it off, Crooke. That's an official 
warning. 

smoka-cola: fuck off lol 

MintyDay: Leave the poor kid alone jesus shit. 
MintyDay: We're all here because we're 
fucking losers Imao 

MintyDay: If you push yourself away from us 
you've basically fucking AS CENDED 
unpopularity 

papertrail44: Extremely homosexual. 
MintyDay: you gain untapped virgine powers 
beyond your wildest dreams. 

hjcrooke: we all know smoka is a fucking 
shagalad 

hjcrooke: gonna need a pair of wellies mate 
you're drownin in it 

smoka-cola: gig 

~ smoka-cola has left the channel. 
hjcrooke: omfg 

hjcrooke: is this kid even real 

papertrail44: Hacked by reddit. 

MintyDay: Fucking hell give him a break. 
hjcrooke: coaxed into a deadly snafu 
hjcrooke: fuck off to daddy's fish and chip 
shop mate 

hjcrooke: no sweat off my back 

~ hjcrooke was kicked. (Vehemence) 
MintyDay: Thank you bones. 


> Show Excerpt 3 / Gol Private Messages 


smoka-cola: hey i saw the logs from 
yesterday 

MintyDay: Oh? 

smoka-cola: yeah 

smoka-cola: sorry this feels really weird to 
type but thanks for sticking up for me 
smoka-cola: i guess i'm not used to getting so 
much confrontation irl 

MintyDay: Why's that? 


drowning that persists even in situations where no water is present. 


Testing the anomalous properties of SCP-402-1's blood has been 
deemed cost-ineffective; as such, information on its effects have 
largely been garnered from SCP-402-1's pre-containment activities. 


Note: Several subjects who had previously consumed SCP-402-1's 
blood displayed a strong fear response when exposed to SCP-109 
and SCP-812, though none were able to justify their reactions. 
Further testing is under consideration. 


Footnotes 
1. This was accomplished safely via a tube inserted into the 
esophagus. 


« SCP-401 | SCP-402 | SCP-403 » 


smoka-cola: because it's ten times easier to 
run 

smoka-cola: rather than trying to hold a 
cogent argument with the fucking kingpin of 
the chat room you know | just dont want to 
fight that fight 

MintyDay: Omfg is that what you really think 
of crooke? 

MintyDay: """Kingpin""" emphasis on the pin 
holy shit. 

MintyDay: Crooke is a classic troll he just 
feeds off people's reactions. 

MintyDay: He's an insufferable twat 
MintyDay: But we love him 

MintyDay: Because we know how to defuse 
him and get away from the gross fleshy 
fucking gargoyle exterior yeah? 

MintyDay: If you just mellow out and let him 
burn out 

MintyDay: | promise you things will get better 
MintyDay: YOu still there dude? 
smoka-cola: yeah 

smoka-cola: thank you 

smoka-cola: idk that means a lot more than 
you probably realise 

MintyDay: Shit man that's 

MintyDay: That's just 
MintyDay:EXTREMELYFUCKING 
GAY 

smoka-cola: Imao okay give me at least like a 
day to thicken my skin 

MintyDay: Gotcha 

MintyDay: Uhh 

MintyDay: Hey how's the fish thing going. 
smoka-cola: uhh it's going 

smoka-cola: i mean like i was thinking maybe 
i could put more 

smoka-cola: nuts in the bag 

smoka-cola: thus creating more fish 
MintyDay: You have no idea do you. 


MintyDay: This is just a vague grab from the 
back of your intimidated mind. 

smoka-cola: you put it so bleakly 
smoka-cola: but yeah essentially. 
MintyDay: I'm the last person you need to 
impress smoka. | get your thing and | want to 
help you with it, so like, no judgement here. 
smoka-cola: right sorry 

MintyDay: That said: drop the fish nut thing. 
It's not going to work. | would bend over 
backwards and bow at your fucking feet if you 
could pull of a fish stunt and make one of the 
other guys laugh. 

smoka-cola: it was more a finna nut thing. 
smoka-cola: but ok thank you 

MintyDay: Yw dude 

MintyDay: Anytime. 


> Show Excerpt 4 / Gol Chat Log 


hjcrooke: awight dickheads 

hjcrooke: what's poppin 

papertrail44: Jimbo? 

MintyDay: Hey crooke. 

~ smoka-cola has joined the channel. 
MintyDay: Hey smoka. 

MintyDay: Gang's all here. 

papertrail44: Lads on fucking tour 
smoka-cola: wooooo 

papertrail44: Let's go on a bevwvy. 

MintyDay: A what. 

hjcrooke: bevvy boyyyys 

hjcrooke: hey is cola even old enough to drink 
smoka-cola: i'm 17, 18 in december 
hjcrooke: alright pal didn't need your life story 
a 'no' would have sufficed 

hjcrooke: its aight though you can just sit at 
the back with all the snacks 

MintyDay: Crooke. Cut it out. 

hjcrooke: like the crisps 


hjcrooke: and the nuts. 

~ bones has joined the channel. 
smoka-cola: you know what 

smoka-cola: that wasn't actually very funny 
smoka-cola: and you're quite a pathetic 
person. 

bones: Huh. 

papertrail44: Ohhh shit lmaoo 
papertrail44: He's only gone and done you in 
MintyDay: That fucking shut him up didn't it. 
papertrail44: f 

smoka-cola: f 

MintyDay: F 

smoka-cola: i don't wanna fight this fight 
hjcrooke: omfg you don't get it do you 
hjcrooke: this isn't a fight 

hjcrooke: we were never fighting 

hjcrooke: | was making jokes 

hjcrooke: i thought i could break you into it 
hjcrooke: shit i thought minty would at least 
have given you a private heads up 
hjcrooke: but instead you run away or make a 
fucking song and dance about it 

bones: Crooke. 

hjcrooke: let me finish 

hjcrooke: this isn't a fucking hierarchy 
hjcrooke: you don't survive by pulling some 
other self-inflated prick down 

hjcrooke: you have a skin made of fucking 
stone and you never drop it 

hjcrooke: we rinse each other and call each 
other cunts and make jokes about fucking 
each other's mum 

hjcrooke: because compliments are 
depressing 

hjcrooke: compliments are what you give 
people you feel sorry for 

hjcrooke: that's my philosophy 

hjcrooke: and if yours is to bitch and moan 
until someone fills that vast gaping need for 


validation you've got bottled up inside of you 
hjcrooke: then i don't want to be a part of this. 
~ hjcrooke was banned. (no reason given) 
bones: | think he made himself perfectly clear. 
MintyDay: He just needs a break bones. 
MintyDay: Some time to think. 

bones: | made it a monthlong. 

MintyDay: Cola, are you alright? 

MintyDay: Cola? 

~ smoka-cola has left the channel. 

~ papertrail44 has left the channel. 
MintyDay: Fuck. 

~ MintyDay has left the channel. 


Addendum 3169.03: Incident 3169/01 


The corpse of Lewis Reeves was discovered on 8/24/2017 after 
police reports suggested the presence of anomalous activity. The 
epidermis of Reeves' chest and lower back had been hardened, with 
tissue sampling suggesting equivalent strength to that of concrete. 


Autopsy revealed the cause of death to be large deposits of sand 
and various other minerals forming within Reeve's vital organs. A 
search warrant on Reeves’ home has been submitted in hopes of 
potentially recovering and containing anomalous objects. 


> Show Excerpt 5 / Gol Private Messages 


bones: My answer is no. 

MintyDay: Please bones. A yearlong at least. 
bones: You've already agreed to the 
monthlong. I'm not extending the ban any 
further. 

MintyDay: | agreed on the monthlong before 
he fucking killed one of us. 

MintyDay: He's volatile. He doesn't belong 
here. 

bones: Compose yourself. Crooke is many 
things, but he's not a murderer, and he's not 
volatile. We know exactly what he's about and 
we know exactly why he's about it. 


bones: Cola was volatile. He let his emotions 
get the best of him and that doesn't mesh well 
with reality bending. He overreacted. He 
pushed his own limits. 

bones: Accidents happen. 

MintyDay: So what? Even then, he kills 
himself and doesn't deserve our pity? 

bones: Of course he deserves our pity. But he 
doesn't deserve petty revenge. Especially not 
petty revenge that he didn't ask for. 

bones: Ban is firm. 

MintyDay: What do we do now? 

bones: Move on. 

bones: As per usual. 


Footnotes 
1. Rainbow trout. 
2. Common carp. 


SCP-3170: Only Acting 


Item #: SCP-3170 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3170 is currently 
contained in a Standard Type-A Humanoid Containment Cell at 
Site-128. An intact SCP-3170' corpse is stored in the on-site morgue 
to assist in identification efforts; additional SCP-3170' cadavers and 
remains should be incinerated.