| am the writer of the Brink Dangerguts Adventures, a harmless set 
of novels about the world of mercenaries and explorers which for 
some reason the O5s consider a libelous security breach. But 
anyway, in my next book | am considering including an epic chase 
through the streets of Beirut in which our hero seeks shelter and 
weapons in a shady bar before leaping out to win the day in an epic 
fight intended to be a combination of The Bourne Ultimatum, Oliver! 
and Bad Boys II. As / am unable to go on leave to do any research 
in the Lebanon in case the Foundation works out who | am, can you 
recommend a suitable location for these happenings? You can be 
the book's dedicatee if you want. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Do the Ottomans now permit the open establishment of bars in the 
Levant? My, how the world has changed since | found myself behind 
these walls! | knew of no legal establishments that the Sultanate 
would countenance during my last visit to those parts - however, 
should your character find his way to Cairo, there is an excellent 
establishment in the basement of the French consulate there. 


| must admit that | am not familiar with the books you name, though 
your description brings to mind the adventure novels of Stevenson 
or that American fellow Clemens whom | met while he was touring 
the Holy Land in sixty-seven. | got the impression that he was 
unimpressed with my anecdotes, though he promised not to 


describe me unflatteringly in the text he was writing. 
Space Core writes: 


Get to space. Wanna get to space. Can you get me to space? 
SPAAAAAAAAAAAAACE! 


Lord Blackwood replies: 

My old associate Dr. Hightower is the best at space, good boy. 
Dr. Edison writes: 

How do |! get all this semen off my keyboard? 

Lord Blackwood replies: 

Good heavens, boy, that's just foul. 

McKineteer writes: 

Dear Lord Blackwood, 

What was your opinion of the two world wars which we have had? 
Lord Blackwood replies: 


"World war"? That is not a term | am familiar with, Mr. McKineteer. 
Do you perhaps refer to the Crimean War, and the wars against 
Napoleon? Nasty business, those - | think (and hope) that we shall 
never see another affray as bloody as the former, or as drawn out as 
the latter. 


Murrin Pinethorn writes: 


Can you describe your family, Lord Blackwood? You mentioned a 
brother. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


| do not speak often of my family, Mr. Pinethorn, for | would not wish 
it to be thought | was riding on their coat-tails. My father is the 
esteemed Sir Edward Thomas George Blackwood, who | am sure 
needs no introduction, and | am the second of his four children. 
Admiral Sir Stephen Blackwood is the eldest of us, and Archbishop 
Clifford Blackwood the youngest; between he and | is Duchess 
Catherine Blackwood (being the wife of the Duke of Brandenburg). It 
has been some time since | saw them all together; the last time was 
most eventful, and perhaps you will sometime have an opportunity 
to read my diaries about the occasion. 


Doktori writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


If you could bring only two weapons with you for a prolonged journey 
through the African veldt, what would they be? Also, how many 
porters would you think would be necessary for such a journey? 
Thank you for your time. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


One of my destabilizing muskets and possibly a pistol - though if you 
count a machete as a weapon, then | should have to take that in 
stead of the pistol, for such a blade is invaluable in the darkest 
regions of the continent. | should want for at least half a dozen 
porters, | should think, and if possible one or two native guides 
familiar with the lay of the land. (Ensure, should you be planning a 
trip yourself, that your guides be Christian - | nearly met an ill fate in 
sixty-two as the result of a Punjabi guide who turned out to be a 
member of the Thuggee.) 


CITIZEN O' US OF A writes: 


MURICA 

Lord Blackwood replies: 
God save the Queen. 
Nyehcat writes: 


| say, how did you convince your brother that the Swedish had 
invaded Newcastle? That might make for a riveting tale. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 
King Oscar owed me a favour. 
Agent Thesson writes 


Hello kind fellow! It seems | have an undocumented species of Carp 
on my desk. | don't know where it came from but it appears to have 
lungs. Isn't that just DANDY! Should | Put it in a loving zoo to keep it 
from sucking on my finger or just give it to a fellow researcher? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Ah, yes, the Patagonian lungcarp! Magnificent beasts. Would that | 
had access to my laboratory so that | could perform a proper 
examination for you - perhaps in the meantime it would be best to 
observe its natural behaviours. 


O5- writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


What are your thoughts about this business in 
Samothrace? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


| do not believe | am particularly familiar with any business in that 
nation. 


Agent Adam Henderson writes: 


Lord Blackwood, I've been wondering about your views on the rights 
of non-human but sapient creatures such as Centipede Nymphs 
or King Alaric the Fifth 


Also, have you ever had any contact with the individual or group 
known as Dr. Wondertainment? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


| have wracked my brain many nights over the question of King 
Alaric and his "animal kingdom", as it were. If you have read my 
diaries of that encounter, you know as well as | do that he and his 
followers are Christian, or claim to be - but whether the beasts of the 
forest have souls in need of salvation is a topic that was never 
addressed by the instructors at Eton. 


As to your second question - | knew an Edmund Wondertainment 
many years ago in Manchester, though he was a blacksmith and not 
a doctor. He was not an educated man, but he had wisdom and 
ambitions beyond his station - he dreamed of making toys for 
children, and hoped through his earnings to one day send his son to 
university and thereby be able to care for him so that in old age he 
could pursue his dream. 


E. Elric: 
Have you ever dabbled in alchemy? If so, do you have any insights 
into the creation of the Great Work, AKA the Philosopher's Stone? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


| have never dabbled myself, although | do have some associates 
familiar with the art of alchemy. | have had need of their 
consultations on several occasions. 


Grand Dreadlord Xifax Lightbane 

Salutations, Lord Blackwood 

The Black Counsel requests your presence at the Eternal Citadel of 
The Seventh Eye regarding the acquisition of soulstones used to 
keep THE SCREAMING MAN! bound to Gaspar's Revenants. 
Should you ignore our request, the Akashic Glyphs will rupture, and 
neither heaven nor hell will be able to halt the ensuing chaos. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Dear me, Mr. Lightbane. As much as | would be delighted to assist 
you with this no doubt urgent matter, | fear the guardsmen here are 
utterly insistent on my not leaving this tank. Perhaps you could put in 
a word with them? 


John Swindle writes: 


Good day Lord Blackwood! You may be pleased to know that | for 
one humbly hold you in highest esteem, enjoy reading your 
adventures, insights and wisdom, receive your publication to the 
World-Wide Web in the Americas, and am simply one of many in all 
of these regards. | hope you find yourself in good spirits, and that | 
do not damper them terribly with the following information, which | 
feel must be passed along to you. | regret to inform you that | as 
well as the rest of your subscribers remain unfortunately ignorant as 
to the true nature of your appearance; living witnesses of yourself 
seem to be impossible for any of us to locate save Mr. Deeds (I 
personally suspect this to be the elaborate work of your captors), 
and Deeds himself, despite his elusiveness from your guardsmen as 
well as the many other fine qualities that he possesses, is tragically 
lacking the means to properly retrieve a record of your visage, in 
artistic form, accurate photographic form via George Eastman's 
photographic film (Il understand the human eye would fare no better 
in any event given the distorting effects in which your captivity in 
water produces), or descriptive form, as he insists he is bound by 
confidentiality to his employer. With this in mind, would you humbly 
provide us with a description of yourself? We loyal subscribers do 


have a vague idea based upon various publications to which we 
have access, yet | trust that you and | both would prefer 
thoroughness to such a degree that a proper portrait truly fitting of a 
Lord such as yourself could be painted from such information, by an 
artist worthy to paint a gentlemen of your rank. You need spare no 
expense, as it would be my honor to finance and circulate your 
proper portrait. 


Yours in Christ, 
J.C.S. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Would that | could conduct a proper sitting for a daguerrotype at this 
time, for | am not as young a man as | once was when last | had a 
proper sitting in ninety-seven. The closer | get to fifty, the more gray 
| find in my neatly-trimmed brown mane and my proud English 
moustache, and | find it more and more difficult to read without my 
spectacles. Let no one say that age has sapped my vitality, 
however; for | am as fit and barrel-chested as ever | was, and when 
the good Mr. Lincoln and | had occasion to meet in sixty-three | 
found that he stood as tall as |. My eyes are blue, for which my 
brown-eyed siblings teased me constantly as a child, alleging that | 
was a bastard or a Mongoloid (a claim abetted, no doubt, by the 
bout of left-handedness that plagues me to this day). Though my 
face and hands are unblemished, were you to observe me in the 
buff you would find my arms and trunk cris-crossed every which way 
with a lifetime's worth of scars, every one of them proudly earned in 
battle or in exploration. | cannot say more, for modesty's sake; but 
allow me to assure you that the reputation of the Blackwood family 
of being possessed heartily of stamina and virility is not one ill- 
assigned. 


Dr. Edison Writes: 


What would you say if | told you that a man of African descent was 
elected president of the United States of America? 
-Dr. Edison 


Lord Blackwood replies: 

Of South African descent, certainly? 

L. Heartstrings Writes: 

Have you ever visited a land of magical talking horses? 
eric_h writes: 


Dear Lord Blackwood: | keep hearing rumours about talking horses 
in London. Have you ever met any? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Once, yes. | found it highly unsettling and in no way whatsoever 
whimsical, satrical, or condemnatory of the British class system. 


Dr. Bright Writes: 
What do you think about Antidisestablishmentarianism? 
Lord Blackwood replies: 


| am an antidisestablishmentarian, sir, and | am proud to call myself 
one. Let the atheists and reprobates sally off to France if they wish 
it. 


Incidentally - have we met? | seem to recall encountering a Mr. 
Bright in Africa back in seventy-four. 


Mrs. Gallow Writes: 


Dear Lord Blackwood, 
From your experience, do you think pufferkittens are a suitable pet 
for a 14 year-old? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


| would have no objection, Mrs. Gallow, as long as one ensures that 
the beasts are not able to breed. Blackwood Manor was overrun by 
hundreds of the things when my sister secreted a pair into her room 
as a child. The conservatory still smells of dander. 


S. Bad Writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 
How do you type with boxing gloves on? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


With great difficulty, | would imagine. Mr. Remington's typographical 
machine is difficult enough to operate as intended. 


Darkblade Writes: 


HOW DARE YOU SPREAD LIES ABOUT DARKBLADE! | WILL 
DESTROY YOOOOOOQUUUUUU! 


Lord Blackwood replies: 
| apologize if my words have caused any insult, ma'am. 
Spacecadet writes: 


Dear Sir, 

What is it like to live amongst people with so many odd idees fixees 
on the subject of sea slugs? And how do you suppose one comes to 
have these fixations in the first place? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


It is hardly that difficult to understand. Sea slugs are quite 
fascinating creatures indeed; | could happily spend the rest of my 


days merely in cataloguing the hundreds of varieties found in the 
South Seas. 


Mr. Robert Pattinson writes: 


Dear Lord Blackwood, 

! am an Englishman working in a foreign country, far from home and 
unsure whom to trust. | understand that your exploits have been 
famed for many years-what do you find the best way to cope with 
feelings of paranoia, anxiety and depression, especially with 
newspapermen following you around? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Your question reminds me of a strange man | met many years ago 
in the northwest of America - he was old and possessed of great 
strength, but was forever trapped in the body of an adolescent, and 
his flesh seemed to shimmer and coruscate when touched by the 
sun's rays. As | recall, he had taken to impersonating a teen-ager 
and attending primary school with the young people of the region, 
for he found that those who looked the same age as he were more 
accepting of his oddities. 


Dr Xanderfeld writes: 


Dear Lord Blackwood, 

My skin has taken to the rot before my appointed time, and | fear 
there is very little | can do to reverse the process. A colleague of 
mine recommended | ask you if you had knowledge of anything 
sufficient to return to me the youth of my flesh, as they claimed you 
have seen wonders beyond the wildest imaginings of men in your 
adventures. So tell me, have you ever found something capable of 
such feats? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Woe, Dr. Xanderfield, but | cannot report that | have made such a 
discovery. In my younger days | quested in the Floridian peninsula 


cell. Current whereabouts are unknown.) 
<End Log> 


Closing Statement: [Senior Researcher 

L has requested the suspension of all 
testing involving SCP-792. Request denied by 
Site Director R Al 


« SCP-791 | SCP-792 | SCP-793 » 


for the legendary Fountain of Youth, but found instead only 
inscrutable Indians, rancid swamp waters, and the ravages of 
malaria. | have heard tales of a cosmetic application which 
effortlessly conceals the scars of age, but | am told that it is a terribly 
addictive compound, and that one long left without its benefit will find 
that their skin rots and sloughs away far more rapidly than if had 
been left along to begin with. | would certainly not recommend that 
treatment; however, if you are sitting for a photographic portrait, | am 
told that a generous application of make-up can do wonders to 
conceal wrinkles and give the camera cause to portray one as years 
or decades younger than is truly the case. 


Lord Darkbirch writes: 
Lord Blackwood, 


You are a man with exquisite taste. Do you enjoy the works of 
modern authors such as Dickens and Hawthorne? My children 
adore their works, but | simply cannot stand their prose. | have 
demanded their tutors to stay true to literature in the classical sense, 
yet | just found out last week that she had been disobeying me and 
sneaking the works of Burnett and James into the house. Naturally, | 
dismissed her, yet my children has already been convinced that this 
is great literary work. | have read the works, and | have found them 
to be pure rubbish. Why does my children find them so enticing? 


Lord Blackwood replies: