SCP-2130-J exhibits a range of cognitohazardous and antimemetic 
properties. Its primary effect is on the perception of the furniture by 
subjects in its proximity. Subjects regard SCP-2130-J instances (and 
any incidents involving them) as humorous in nature, regardless of 
the objective seriousness of the situation. 


Descriptions of SCP-2130-J by test subjects have included: 


* "funny" 

“hilarious” 

"uproariously entertaining, a great night out" 

¢ "| could see what you were going for, but it didn't make me 
laugh, downvoted" 


This primary effect has led to subjects forgetting the danger posed 
by SCP-2130-J, and attempting to use SCP-2130-J instances for 
comic purposes. 


Yeah, remember when | held a D-Class roller-chair 
derby, and one of them crashed into you and fell off into 
a vat of SCP-682's acid? Classic! — Junior Researcher 
Plier 


Classic? That was the most horrific thing I've ever been 
through. My back was sore for a week! — Junior 
Researcher Kimmy 


Or that time my top shelf broke, and all my research 
folders landed on your head one after another. And then 
my potplant. And then my bowling ball. | got so many 


likes for that on /foundation/not-work/funny/videos - it 
was awesome. Maybe you should do comedy? — 
Junior Researcher Plier 


ls everyone around here anomalously unsympathetic? — 
Junior Researcher Kimmy 


SCP-2130-u's primary effect can be counteracted by a continuous 
course of Class-Y mnestics. However, as the side-effects of such 
treatment include remembering in vivid detail every fart you've ever 
smelled, uptake has been poor. 


SCP-2130-J has a secondary property which affects any attempt to 
describe the anomaly. Any descriptions of SCP-2130-J, even by 
persons not subject to its primary effect, will be written in such a way 
as to be unintentionally comic, with ludicrously overcomplicated 
procedures and extraneous commentary which reads as if all 
researchers involved are 15 years old. 


See!? That explains why | can never write this in clinical 
tone. It explains the containment procedures - it explains 
everything! They said | was mad - MAD! - but actually | 
was right all along. Ahaha - ahahahahaha - muahaha... 
wait, why am | writing all of this like | was saying it out 
loud? — Junior Researcher Kimmy 


Kim, you were a lot more fun to be around when you 
were falling off that lab bench last week. If you're so 
obsessed with the damn office furniture, why don't you 
prepare a seminar and take it on the road to the other 
sites. Make sure you take a few samples with you. — Dr. 
"Hot" Wheeler 


This ts clearly going to end well. — Junior Researcher 
Kimmy 


Addendum 1: Further research by Comedy Task Force lota-Eta- 
Pi-2 ("Why lota...") suggests that the effect of SCP-2130-d is viral in 
nature. Progression appears to occur in the following manner: 


1. Subject A is exposed to SCP-2130-J and becomes subject to 


its effects. 

2. Subject A begins to find other anomalies inherently humorous. 

3. Subject A amends the documentation for other anomalies to 
include over-complicated containment and unintentional 
comedy. 

4. Subject B reads amended documentation, forgets that the 
relevant anomalies are dangerous, and begins to treat them 
as comical, even if Subject B has not been exposed to 
SCP-2130-J. 


The following SCP database entries have been identified as 
potential candidates for SCP-2130-J infection: SCP-2212, 
SCP-2845, SCP-076 and SCP-106. However the possibility exists 
that other anomalies have been declassified and mis-filed, after 
relevant SCP documentation was amended to sound humorous. 


So leaving aside the question of how we tested this, that 
means basically anything filed in /foundation/not— 
work/funny/Jjoke-scps could be a real anomaly that 
we're almost totally disre- oh. Oh, shit. — Junior 
Researcher Kimmy 


Kim - what's the rush? Why are you running so - woah! 
Wow - hey guys, Kim just tripped over a printer cord and 
went head-first into a wastepaper basket. That's gonna 
leave a mark! Ahahahahaha! — Dr. "Stealer's" Wheeler 


Footnotes 

1. Sample lyrics:"Do you know two one three-oh dash-jay?lt has a 
meme so strong,Don't laugh too long, or you'll go cray" (NB: Current 
final rhyme is provisional, pending additional poetry research 
funding) 


SCP-666-J: Dr. Gerald's Driving Skills 


Item #: SCP-666-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: D-Class and Gerald are the 
only ones allowed to get on any vehicle that Dr. Gerald happens to 
be driving. Prepare a number of body bags equivalent to the number 
of passengers on any vehicle that he happens to drive, minus 
himself. Additionally, medical teams must be on standby if Dr. 
Gerald will be traveling through a populated area, or any form of 
potentially hazardous environment (e.g., a nuclear power plant, 
chemical refining plant). 


Description: All individuals who board any vehicle or form of 
transportation that Dr. Gerald himself is controlling in any form are 
assured to die. Testing has shown that even those who escape 
vehicles he's been driving are doomed; they are generally struck by 
another moving vehicle within minutes. Dr. Gerald himself, oddly 
enough, always survives whatever horrors he puts a vehicle 
through. 


Additionally, all potentially hazardous objects seem to become even 
more dangerous if he is manning a vehicle in their general vicinity. 
Knives penetrate more than their sharpness would accord, normally 
benign oil tankers become moving bombs that will detonate with the 
slightest touch, buildings lose any significant rigidity, and 
pedestrians seem to lose all forms of self-preservation, throwing 
themselves into his path. A mere bicycle ride can inflict the 
devastation of a T3 tornado. 


Addendum 666-1: Dr. Gerald is never to come within 25 meters of 
SCP-462. 


Addendum 666-2: Plans are being made to construct a vehicle 
which can contain SCP-682 long enough for Dr. Gerald to actually 


drive it. 


SCP-Jaguar-J: Junior Researcher Hutchins’ 
Incredible Automobile 


Item #: SCP-Jaguar-J 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-Jaguar-J is not currently 
capable of being contained, due to an uncertainty as to its position. 
Agents deployed to the zone SCP-Jaguar-J is supposedly situated 
has not resulted in confirmed visual contact. Inspections of all 
nearby auto repair shops within a 7 mile radius of this location 
disproved Researcher Hutchin's claims of its current status. 


Description: SCP-Jaguar-J is an anomalous automobile which is 
hypothetically owned by Researcher Hutchins. Although all known 
documentation of SCP-Jaguar-J depict a total lemon, it has been 
vehemently claimed by Researcher Hutchins that these photographs 
are an anomaly, and that when viewed with the eye it appears to be 
a Jaguar luxury automobile. These claims have not been 
substantiated. 


Anomalous documentation of SCP-Jaguar-J 


Dr. Hutchins has been making such claims since he was a Junior 
Staff Member on the SCP-2600 research team, and despite 
persistent attempts to view it has always been unable to show any of 
the Site 88 staff. Despite hosting the annual Site-88 
Decemberween party on multiple occasions, not one individual has 
reported seeing SCP-Jaguar-J. During visual inspection of the 
garage only a large empty patch of concrete covered with oils and 
unidentified metallic parts were found. 


Should Researcher Hutchins ever be able to provide substantiated 
evidence of SCP-Jaguar-u, he will be promoted to a full Operations 
Researcher and be assigned as the lead science adviser on all 
SCP-Jaguar-J testing. 


speaking with your voice, and that microphone speaking 
for you? 


D-78909: I'd laugh at you, because you guys tried that 
trick a few days after you gave me this thing. You guys 
told me to randomly talk while looking into what you guys 
said was a mirror. Of course, it wasn't a mirror, since | 
stopped talking a few times in the (does ‘air quotes') 
reflection, while | kept talking. Freaked me out a bit, but 
then | realized you guys just recorded me standing 
somewhere, doing nothing, and used that fancy CGI 
[EXPLETIVE] to make it /ook like | wasn't talking a few 
words. Nice try, Doc. 


Addendum-2: Event 544-Alpha 


On 05/24/20 at 3:42am, the current bearer of SCP-544 (D-423245) 
was asleep in his bunk. While undisturbed and remaining asleep, 
SCP-544 began to speak seemingly-random phrases. It was initially 
assumed that D-423245 was simply ‘talking in his sleep’, until 
SCP-544 began speaking things which could not have possibly been 
dream-based. Later bearers of SCP-544 repeated many of the 
following lines in their sleep. For a full listing, please see file 
544.FullLog.353. 


| was slumbering. | was waking. Flames! Fire! Burning! | 
slumbered again. 

There isno .Thereisno_. There is no barrier. 

The slab groans. | groan to match. We rise together. 
When? When? When? 

| dreamed until the dawn, but the it was not dawn. It was 
false! Dawn That Was Not A Dawn. Dreams turned to 
dust. 

The number was [EXPUNGED]. The number is 
[EXPUNGED] 

No, not time. Not yet. No. Wait and dream. Wait and 
dream. 


Event 544-Alpha, and later similar situations, has caused the 
Foundation to re-evaluate SCP-544's nature. It is currently not 
understood how SCP-544 (or its multiple bearers) have a knowledge 


Researcher Notes(2) 


Come on guys. This is unprofessional. | joined the SCP 
Foundation because | thought you guys would be into 
this sort of thing. | have to take it to the shop a lot 
because insurance companies won't cover me with the 
pictures. Also, one time my girlfriend from up in Canada 
came down and borrowed it to go meet a man about a 
horse. You guys are really not taking this as seriously as 
you should. I've had this car for years, if you came when 
| said it was there you'd totally see I'm telling the truth. — 
Researcher Hutchins. 


Fine. It is possible that SCP-Jaguar-J may also be of the 
Jaguar XKR-S model, but due to the lack of visual 
evidence | predict this visit will result in an SCP-Jaguar- 
XK-End-of-Your-Lies scenario. — Dr. Morse. 


Addendum Jaguar-XE: After the deployment of Mobile Truth Force 
Lie-7 "Randi's Pants, On Fire" it was discovered that SCP-Jaguar-J 
did in fact exist and displayed surprisingly accurate anomalous 
properties. As promised, Junior Researcher Hutchins has been 
given Level 1 Clearance and the title of Operational Researcher. He 
is currently assigned to work on SCP-Jaguar-J. 


SCP-Jaguar-J-Testing Archive - 
Level 2 Clearance Required 


Testing Location: Site-88 Indoor Testing Region 


Hypothesis: SCP-Jaguar-J may display different 
anomalous properties with different paint configurations, 
seating adjustments, option alterations, or another 
anomalous component causing the entire machine to 
display this anomalous phenomenon. Due to Researcher 
Hutchin's lack of mechanical expertise, he will observe 
from the upper viewing deck. 


[VIDEO TRANSCRIPT] 
[00:00-03:45](Researcher Hutchins stares 


dejectedly at SCP-Jaguar-J as it is 
disassembled by mechanical personnel.) 


[03:45]Researcher Hutchins:(Intercom) Can | 
at least sit in the seat for a little? 


[03:51 ]Scruffy:(In testing chamber) Nope. 
[No further interactions recorded. ] 


[END TRANSCRIPT] 


SCP-022-J: Memetic Metal 


Note: This document has been designated a Lethe-class infohazard. 
Your access has been logged and you will submit to an examination 
to assess its impact no later than two days from this moment. If you 
have accessed this document unintentionally, cease reading 
immediately and contact the Cognitohazard Research Group. 


Item #: SCP-022-J 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: Due to widespread public 
knowledge of SCP-022-J, containment of SCP-022-J is limited to 
mitigating the damage caused by its effects. To this effect, the 
following procedures are to be enacted: 


* The availability of SCP-022-J is to be reduced by means 
including but not limited to: Suppressing research into more 
efficient methods of refining SCP-022-J ores; limiting the 
mining of areas rich in SCP-022-J ores under the guise of, 
e.g., protection of endemic species'; using front companies to 
artificially drive up the price of SCP-022-J, in order to limit the 
damage due to effects of SCP-022-J-1. 

Suppressing public awareness of SCP-022-J physical 
properties to prevent SCP-022-J-2 effects from manifesting. 
To this effect, media containing counterfactual information 
with regard to the physical properties and proper uses of 
SCP-022-J are to be produced and propagated. 

Suppressing public awareness of SCP-022-J 's anomalous 
properties. 

Treatment of individuals severely affected by SCP-022-J-2 by 
Class-B amnestics. 


Because the risks SCP-022-J-1 poses to Foundation personnel, 
especially those in charge of designing containment procedures, any 
containment procedures proposal containing relevant keywords are 


to be checked by personnel immunized against SCP-022-J-1. 
Calming agents of choice (chocolate, beer, Diazepam, Xanax, 
cannabis) are to be available to such personnel to mitigate the 
effects of SCP-022-J-2. 


Description: SCP-022-J is the pure, solid form of chemical element 
commonly known as titanium (Ti), of atomic number of 22, and 
average molar mass of 47.86 g/mol. In its active state, SCP-022-J 
appears as a shiny, hard solid of density approximately 4.5 g/ccm, 
and melting point of approximately 1940 K. SCP-022-J behaves as a 
paramagnetic metal in most aspects, and possesses a tensile 
strength of roughly 434 MPa, remarkable for its low density. 


SCP-022-J is an infohazard — knowledge about it causes the 
manifestation of two distinct sets of symptoms, designated 
SCP-022-J-1 and SCP-022-J-2. 


SCP-022-J-1 initially manifests when an individual with no prior 
knowledge is exposed to incomplete or erroneous information about 
SCP-022-J's physical properties, and its recommended usage. 
Individuals under the effects of SCP-022-J-1 will gradually begin to 
assert the superiority of SCP-022-J as a structural material, and 
recommend or attempt to enforce its use as such whenever 
possible, even in cases where this has a significant negative effect 
on functionality. Common terms used by affected individuals with 
reference to SCP-022-J-1 include "strongest metal in the world,” 
"supertough supermetal," "refined, impenetrable metal," and "The 
He-Man of materials". In the cases where this behaviour induces a 
performance failure or deficiency, an affected individual will refuse to 
acknowledge THAT THEY FUCKED UP SERIOUSLY WHO THE 
FUCK MAKES A TITANIUM ANCHOR SCP-022-J's role in the 
incident, inventing increasingly bizarre alternative explanations. 


SCP-022-J-2 manifests when an individual FUCKING GETS A 
CLUE SHEESH IS IT SO HARD TO READ A GODDAMN 
STANDARD is exposed to accurate information about SCP-022-J's 
physical properties, and correct recommended usage guidelines. 
Individuals already affected by SCP-022-J-1 CAN'T FUCKING GET 
IT IN THEIR GODDAMN HEADS WITH A HAMMER IF | HEAR 
ABOUT TITANIUM BEING THE STRONGEST METAL | WILL 
PUNCH THEM IN THE DICK WITH A FIST MADE OF show 


considerable resistance to SCP-022-J-2. 

Subjects affected by SCP-022-J-2 display signs of anger and mental 
distress at mentions of pure titanium or its usage, to the point of 
becoming physically violent. This is especially marked when the 
triggers are usual vectors of SCP-022-J-1, such as media containing 
examples of inappropriate uses of SCP-022-J. 


Treatment with Class-B amnestics has been shown to NO