Doctor : Please state your name. 
SCP-1952: Gorb. My name is Gorb. 

Doctor : Please tell me more about yourself. 
(SCP-1952 looks around the room) 


SCP-1952: Doctor, are you sure there aren't any ducks 
here? 


Doctor : Rest assured, there are no ducks here. 
There's no need to worry. 


SCP-1952: All... alright, then. What would you like to 
know first? 


Doctor : I'd like to know where you came from. 


SCP-1952: But you already know that. You said | come 
from East Africa. Anything you want to know about it you 


can go see in a book or one of those computers you 
showed me. You'll get nothing new from me. 


Doctor : Fair enough. Can you tell me how you 
learned to speak English so well? 


SCP-1952: | foraged a small battery powered radio from 
a garbage can while looking for electronic parts to eat. | 
listened to it for years before you found me. 


Doctor : Can you tell me more about your life before 
you were kidnapped by the, umm... the ducks? 


(SCP-1952 remains silent for several seconds and then 
inhales deeply) 


SCP-1952: Ok, fine. Where should | start? | guess | lived 
a pretty normal life before | was kidnapped. | used to live 
near a river by the side of a mountain. It was a nice 
place, now that | think about it. You know how they say 
you don't know what you've got until it's gone? | know 
what that means. Anyway, my day-to-day wasn't any 
different from your average caveman. | hunted and 
gathered, and hid in a cave with my family when the 
night came. 


Doctor : What was your abduction like? 


SCP-1952: It was horrible, ok? What more do you want 
to know? 


Doctor : Please be more specific. 


SCP-1952: Fine, fine. | was gathering fruit in the woods 
when it happened. | heard this loud noise unlike anything 
| had heard before. Then, | saw something in the sky. It 
looked like some kind of giant, flying egg. That's when it 
cracked and shot a long strand of egg goo at me. | tried 
to run, but it was too fast. The strand of egg goo took me 
inside the spaceship. Everything inside was made of the 
same goo, but with different colors, smells and 


hardnesses. That's when | met the star ducks. 
Doctor : Please continue. 


SCP-1952: | will, | will!...the ducks took me to a huge 
room and put me on a table. Then, they started cutting 
my legs off with their wings. They vomited something on 
my legs which made them grow back, but different from 
before. They did the same on my back, and | grew 
feathers. Then, one of them opened its rib cage like it 
was made of water. My helmet was inside it, and they 
attached it to my skull. After that... | don't really know, | 
spent a long time there, but | don't know how much. It 
could have been months or even years. My memories 
just blur together after a certain point. There is one thing 
| remember clearly, though. 


Doctor : What was it? 


SCP-1952: | remember when they made me do 
interpretive dancing. These other strands of goo grabbed 
me by the arms and legs and started moving me around 
while this horrible music played so loud. This kept going 
until my muscles were on fire and | thought | was going 
to go crazy... 


Doctor : SCP-1952, please continue. What else 
happened there? 


SCP-1952: No! | won't talk anymore! | lost my family, my 
home, | was turned into a monster, | can't get out of this 
place, | know nothing and nobody, no one cares about 
me, and you want me to talk more about it? Fuck you! 


Doctor : SCP-1952, please calm down! 
SCP-1952:... QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! 


[SCP-1952 continued quacking for the remainder of the 
interview and refused to answer any further questions. ] 


« SCP-1951 | SCP-1952 | SCP-1953 » 


SCP-1953: Artist Stomach Bugs 


Item #: SCP-1953 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: Instances of SCP-1953 may be 
kept in a standard containment locker at Site 20. Individuals infected 
with SCP-1953-1 are to be housed in a secure containment cell at 
Bio-Research Area-17. 


Description: SCP-1953 is the collective designation of 26 objects 
commonly found in bedrooms, such as pillows, blankets, stuffed 
animals and alarm clocks. SCP-1953-1 refers to an unknown 
number of bipedal beings measuring 4 cm on average and 
resembling Periplaneta americana (American cockroach) which 
appear when a human subject enters REM sleep within 5 meters of 
an instance of SCP-1953. Evidence suggests instances of 
SCP-1953-1 are capable of reading and understanding spoken 
English, but so far have not responded to attempts to communicate. 


When such an event occurs, instances of SCP-1953-1 will search 
for any surrounding human subjects and attempt to enter their 
mouths. SCP-1953 instances exhibit an unexplained ability to calm 
living human subjects, preventing them from waking up or reacting 
while this occurs. 


Once inside, instances of SCP-1953-1 will move towards the 
stomach and settle there. Any attempt to surgically remove 
instances of SCP-1953-1 fails due to warped space inside the 
stomach, which results in the arm of the individual attempting 
surgery to appear outside of the body. Despite this, endoscopes can 
still be sent inside affected subjects. 


After they settle inside the stomach, instances of SCP-1953-1 will 
begin building several constructs using pieces of food ingested by 
the affected individual in question. Instances of SCP-1953-1 secrete 


an unknown bacteria from their abdomen which reconstructs 
chewed food and prevents the stomach acid and bile salts from 
working. Occasionally, an affected individual will begin sleepwalking 
and ingesting objects that would normally be dangerous to 
consume. They cause no harm due to the warped space. It is 
suspected that instances of SCP-1953-1 cause these behaviours to 
expand their art galleries. 


There appear to be multiple, competing "schools" of art among 
instances of SCP-1953-1. The difference between schools is based 
on characteristics like the types of food used and artistic genre.1 


Addendum: Sample Artistic Pieces Found Inside Affected 
Subjects 


Titie Of The Piece Description 

Beauties In White Several dresses made of rice and 
onions and glued together with 
whipped cream. 

Bloody Inevitability A toboggan made of various 
types of pasta, with a pool of 
tomato sauce at the end. 

Sir Zztok Long Antennae the Fifih Several models of armoured 

in the Third War Against the instances of SCP-1953-1 riding 

Rebels beetle-like animals and carrying 
swords into batile, with one side 
being led by an instance with very 
long antennae. All are made of 
pieces of fruit. The battleground is 
a miniature volcano which 
releases Caesar salad. 

Until When? A ball of blue toothpaste covered 
in broccoli. The broccoli are 
almost all cut apart and have 
expressions of pain carved into 
them. 

Ancient Gods Several models of instances of 
SCP-1953-1 hiding inside a cave, 
both made of cookie dough. On 
the outside are replicas of flying, 


The Birth of the Monster 


Our Future 


The Nice Guy Shakes His Shiny 


Shoes 


Problem? 


Welcome Financial Advice 


Good Listener 


disk shaped beings or vehicles 
dropping balls of red cookie 
dough on giant, roach-like 
animals made of bone fragments. 
A sculpture made out of various 
types of cheese. It resembles a 
mass of the limbs of instances of 
SCP-1953-1. Any instances which 
approach the sculpture are 
grabbed by their limbs and 
absorbed into it. The absorbed 
instance then appears on the top 
of "Bloody inevitability”. 

A classroom made out of Doritos. 
The students and teacher are 
absent. The blackboard has been 
replaced with the following 
message, written with ketchup: 
"No class today. Go play video 
games". 

A toy robot with exaggerated feet 
which runs around stepping on 
animated models of instances of 
SCP-1953-1 made out of 
mayonnaise. 

Animated models of instances of 
SCP-1953-1 made out of bread 
wearing lab coats and orange 
jumpsuits inside a glass frog. 

An animated chocolate cake with 
a mouth. When instances of 
SCP-1953-1 drop their own 
money into the mouth, it releases 
a note which reads "stop wasting 
money”. 

A wall made of strawberry 
cheesecake. It contains several 
heads of instances of 
SCP-1953-1. When instances 
attempt to talk to the wall, it 


Family Trip 


Happy Hour 


Footnotes 


responds by singing "99 Bottles of 
Beer” backwards. 

A real, miniature slot car track. 
Each car is filled with the fake 
antennae of instances of 
SCP-1953-1. When the track is 
turned on, each car starts moving 
and the antennae start having 
arguments over whether or not 
they have already reached their 
destination, before the cars 
collide with each other. Source of 
power is Unknown. 

A strip club made out of Mentos. 
Several instances of SCP-1953-1 
are dancing around a live turkey 
wearing women's underwear 
while Ray Charles' "Mess Around" 
plays on a radio. Context 
unknown. 


1. So far, 7 schools have been identified and designated 
SCP-1953-1-A through G. Examples include SCP-1953-1-A ("Pasta 
Interactivists") and SCP-1953-1-D ("Healthy History"), responsible 
for creating "Bloody Inevitability" and "Sir Zztok Long Antennae the 
Fifth in the Third War Against the Rebels", respectively (see 


Addendum). 


« SCP-1952 | SCP-1953 | SCP-1954 » 


SCP-1954: Helen Homemaker's Hints For The Harried 
Housewife 


Item #: SCP-1954 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: While not being actively tested, 
SCP-1954 is to be contained in locked storage container located in 

Reliquary Research and Containment Site-76. Area to be monitored 
at all times by armed guard with level 3 security clearance or higher. 


Routine contact with SCP-1954 must only be performed by male 
operatives. Any contact with SCP-1954 and a female staff member 
must be carefully recorded. Failure to record and report any and all 
activity between SCP-1954 and female staff is grounds for 
immediate termination. 


Description: SCP-1954 is a 333 page hardcover book bearing the 
title Helen Homemaker's Hints For The Harried Housewife stamped 
on front with flaking gold ink. No marks appear elsewhere on cover, 
including spine. Dust jacket, if ever present, is missing. Copyright 
page indicates book copyrighted in 1954 by . Summary research 
into archives indicates no such publication on record. 


When in inactive state, SCP-1954 appears to be a compendium of 
household management ideas, recipes, decorating ideas, arts and 
crafts instructions and party planning help, and other general 
homemaking tips. Stylized illustrations of food, cleaning supplies, 
and housewives decorate some pages, and some pages feature 
color or black and white photos of completed recipes, party scenes, 
or decorating ideas. Of particular interest is the foreword by “author” 
Helen Homemaker on page 1: 


Welcome Harried Housewife! 


By purchasing this volume, you've made an incredible 


discovery! 


This volume contains all the information you need to turn 
your household into something worth bragging about! 


But before we begin, a simple rule. 


Homemaking is a science. And as such, nothing you see 
in this book will work... 


UNLESS YOU FOLLOW EVERY INSTRUCTION 
EXACTLY AS WRITTEN 


You have been warned. 


When book is read by a female, SCP-1954 enters active state and 
begins to show anomalous traits. 


The first attempt at following the instructions, provided the 
instructions are followed exactly, no matter how counter-intuitive 
they may sound (ex. addition of cat hair to meatball recipe; presence 
of tax accountant at child's birthday party), always results in a 
successful product (ex. incredibly flavorful meatballs; memorable 
and terror-free birthday party). Any attempt to stray from instructions 
(ex. cutting down on salt in pork chop recipe; using nylon blend yarn 
versus wool yarn on scarf knitting pattern) will result in absolute 
failure (ex. burnt, inedible pork chops; scarf that unravels shortly 
after completion). During experimentation subjects have shown 
marked interest in performing more tasks from the book. 
Researchers currently hypothesize that said interest stems from 
simply a sense of self-satisfaction at having performed previously 
difficult tasks with ease and a great deal of success. 


It is noted that any male observers reading instructions presented in 
book will not notice anything counter-intuitive or out of the ordinary 
about instructions, and any male attempting such instructions will 
only be as successful as they would attempting such venture using 
any other source of instructions. 


Upon subsequent uses of book, instructions are reported to become 
more out of the ordinary (ex. hints for cleaning silver includes 


rubbing objects with blood; instructions for throwing cocktail party 
involves putting arsenic in canapes). Even with such alterations to 
commonly accepted homemaking functions, results are always 
successful (ex. sparkling silverware that resists tarnish; unlikeable 
party guests leave quickly and early). 


Experimentation logs show that after no less than 20 successful 
attempts at homemaking tasks, the instructions turn into detailed 
rituals, some of which mirror those which first were recorded in 

; some have never been previously documented. Most of these 
rituals involve murder, cannibalization, sexual encounters, self 
mutilation, and canned vegetables. The instructions are no longer 
for things commonly found in a homemaking guide such as recipes 
for "The Perfect Meatloaf" or a guide to host an ice cream social, but 
rather ways to ensure spouse's promotion, death of rival housewife, 
child's placement in little league, acceptance into country club, and 
other similar events. 


Despite the increasingly atypical instructions, subjects almost 
universally insist upon trying them out, usually stating their success 
at other seemingly impossible tasks as reasons to move forward 
with instruction. 


During experiments, subjects have been persuaded to transcribe 
instructions exactly as they see them in book. Oddly, no two 
instructions have ever been duplicated exactly. 


Addendum 1: Sample of Instructions Transcribed by during 
Experiment - 


Ensuring He Gets That Promotion At Work 
Ingredients: 

16 ounces rendered fat from infant (human) 
24 black raven feathers 

[DATA EXPUNGED] 


Tools Required: 


Wooden spoon 
[DATA EXPUNGED] 
Instructions: 


Place fat, feathers, =e , and in cauldron or 
large stock pot bring to simmer over low flame and add 
stir times counter-clockwise while chanting [DATA 
EXPUNGED]. Once mixture has thickened, smear on 
and proceed to [DATA EXPUNGED] with 
husband. 


Additional Notes: 


"No further experiments involving bringing SCP-1954 
home to test on 'the wife’ will be allowed. Department 
budget does not allow for any more promotions this fiscal 
year" Dr. 


« SCP-1953 | SCP-1954 | SCP-1955 » 


SCP-1955: Spleen Eaters From Venus! 


Item #: SCP-1955 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: At the time of this writing, 
twelve copies of SCP-1955 (consisting of three original 35mm film 
reels, five home VHS tapes, and four pirated DVDs) have been 
secured by Foundation forces. Agents shall monitor Internet 
filesharing sites in the event that another copy is leaked onto the 
Internet; Mobile Task Force 36-Epsilon Beta ("MPAA Martyrs") will 
track the IP addresses of any uploaders of SCP-1955 and 
administer amnestics as deemed appropriate. As SCP-1955 is out of 
copyright, Foundation forces embedded into public domain 
preservation groups shall ensure that SCP-1955 is not discovered 
and archived for public viewing.