Adam? Adam, | know you're there. Pick up the 
phone, Adam, come on. It's your ole pal Mike, 
right? Remember the good times we had that 
time? | am seriously in a pinch here my man, 
and if you've got like, cans or scrap metal 
laying around | could take off your hands, that 
would be fine. Plastic bottles, even. I've got a 
guy who will give me fifteen cents per pound of 
dryer lint, Adam, and | know you guys do a lot 
of laundry. Come on, man, you know I'm good 
for it. I'm totally good for it. But I'm serious 
about that dryer lint. Hello? Adam? Helloooo0? 


SCP-???2?-J: Some fucking thing in a box 


Item #: SCP-??2?-J 
Object Class: i dunno 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-????-J's box is currently 
kept in a containment cell 200m x 200m x 200m in size. SCP-????- 
J's box is comprised of multiple layers of tele-kill shielding, tantalum 
hafnium carbide, an outer layer of a graphene/carbyne lattice, and 
decorated with a vantablack floral stencil pattern. 


Artist's rendering of the box's intricate surface ornamentation 


This container is locked with multiple redundant locking mechanisms 
that are presumed to decrease the likelihood of unauthorized 
access. These locks are labelled SCP-????-1 through SCP-????-41 
46 50 fuck it idk and materialize and dematerialize in random 
intervals. At most times, the box appears as a 1m3 sheen black 
cube, bearing a single hinged compartment. 


Description: SCP-????-J is the designation for an anomaly of 
unknown specification, currently locked in this fucking box. It's been 
in Site-44 for as long as anyone can remember, and, honestly, no 
one knows where the fuck it came from. It's locked in with a bazillion 
gizmos, and they all show up randomly on the sides of the box. 
Anything- keypads, combination locks, time-based Sudoku puzzles, 
you name it. The thing is locked tighter than Clef's butthole. 


Anyway, we are making progress, probably. Every time we solve 
something, or we think we do, the box makes this tone and we never 
see that specific bastard lock again. | think it's working. Some of 
them have timers on their sides, counting down. Sometimes a little 
instruction is scribbled on the side, but usually, we're in the dark. If it 
weren't for some clues, we'd be going nowhere. How else would we 
have known you had to send it a fax? A fax?! What is this, 1870? 


A full list of all these goddamn locking mechanisms are found here. 


Type: 

Standard combination 
lock 

Biometric fingerprint 
scanner 


QWERTY Keyboard 
and LED TV 


Connect Four 


CAPTCHA 


Trigonometry test 


Eating contest 


Hand crank 


Switches 


Internal debate 


info: Notes: 

Item requires a five | No solution found 
number combination 

Requires thumbprint} Thumb is kept ina 


of late pianist maximum security 
Mieczystaw cryogenic freezer in 
Horszowski Site-T3" 

Standard No solution found 


alphanumeric Login/ 

Password. Minimum 

length password of 

fifty characters 

Al considered to be | Completed 
harder than a 'normal' 


round 
Characters match no QWERTY keyboard 
known language unable to replicate 


symbois 
Scantron sheets print Complete 
out of previously 
unseen siot 
Six saltine crackers | Incomplete 
dispense from unseen 
part of the box. All six 
crackers must be 
eaten in twenty 
seconds 
Simple wooden hand Complete 
crank, required no 
special efforts2 
A grid of 15x 15 No solution found 
switches in random 
states. No apparent 
order 
One random Complete 
humanoid interacting 
with the box will enter 
a catatonic state. This 


lasts anywhere from 
thirty minutes to an 
hour. All report having 
a "dream-like" 
experience, wherein 
they argue with 
themselves over a 
transgression in the 
past. Outcome of 
argument determines 
lock state 
Tic-Tac-Toe Box always goes first, No solution found 
always starts ina 
corner 
Tequila-drinking Seemingly endless | No survivors 
contest refilling shot glass of 
tequila manifests on 
top of box 
Rock, Paper, Scissofs Humanoid hand Complete 
manifested to 
participate. Best out of 
three 
Sending the box a fax Facsimile machine Fax number found on 
message, requesting must be placed on tap bottom of box 
access into the box | of box 
The Great ConjunctionOnly occurs when Scheduled to 
Saturn and Jupiter complete in December 


share an ecliptic 2020 
longitude 
Pocket Dimension One side of box will | Incomplete 


dematerialize to reveal 
an alternate version of 
Earth made entirely of 
denim jean pockets. 
Remote exploration of 
area has revealed 
[DATA EXPUNGED] 
inside some of the 
pockets 
One switch (Protected Cap proved to be Complete 


with a childproof 
medicine Cap) 
Reset Pin 


Secret handshake 
developed by the 
Administrator 


Deadbolt 


Sudoku 


easily removable 


Small (350um) pin 
required to activate 
jock 

Slot in side of box 
extends several 
humanoid hands 


Complete 


Humans do not 
possess enough 
hands to complete 
handshake 

Key slot size of humanComplete 

finger, requires 
insertion and fracture 
of left pointer finger 
Prints and receives 
from same slot and 
must be completed 
within ten minutes. 
Considered "fucking 
difficult" 


Complete 


Standard lock-and-key SCP-005 proved to be Complete 


Rubik's Cube 


Riddle 


capable of 
disengaging 
mechanism 

Box separates into 
twenty-seven smaller, 
connected cubes and 
randomizes. Goal is to 
rearrange box to 
original state within 
ten minutes 

A timed locking 
mechanism that 
requires one to solve 
a series of random 
ambiguous riddles 
before completions 


Complete 


Incomplete 


[DATA EXPUNGED] 


Cognitive Test 


Data expunges No solution found 
A multi-choice quiz on THeorettiaklyb 


pattern recognition as iimposlbe Completed. 


massive quantities of Yassim, you 


SCP-543: Noise 


Item #: SCP-543 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special containment procedures: Access to SCP-543 is restricted 
to staff with Level 2 clearance. Detailed observation of SCP-543 has 
thus far been restricted to Class D personnel. 


Description: SCP-543 is a collection of | 4-hour VHS videotapes 
from various manufacturers. Total length of tape is hours. Tapes 
are labeled with dates and times from // to // 


All tapes viewed so far appear to be "noise" or "snow" recorded from 
an empty analog television channel. However, those who watch the 
tapes for long enough are able to discern an image (see Addenda 
543-1 and 543-2). 


Discovery: SCP-543 was found in a single-room apartment in the 
Building, ; ,on // .The room contained a 
brand 38.1 cm analogue television set with "rabbit ears" set-top 
antenna. Television was tuned to the "gap" between local stations 
and_. Antenna was attached to a tangle of wires that filled the entire 
room from floor to ceiling except for a small area in front of the 
television. SCP-543 was stacked along the walls and strewn on the 
floor. 


In front of the television was the apartment's tenant, , adult 
male, deceased. Head was buried in the television; he had rammed 
it through the glass screen himself and died of electrocution. Signs 
of extreme malnutrition. Evidently, after filling the room with wires, 
he was unable or unwilling to remove any, confining himself to a 
smaller and smaller space. Body surrounded by food wrappers and 
excrement. 


Body was discovered by building's landlord after continued non- 


Distraction 


Personal ZK 


Rap battle 


Defensive procedures 


Will 


Cylindrical hole 
roughly 3.5 cm in 
diameter 


smoke confirmed as} lightweight 
containing SCP-420:J 

exude from small 

holes in the body 

SCP-????-J's 

container 

Box will emit a light | Complete 
suggestive 

hallucinogen in order 

to manifest distracting 
hallucinations while 

trying to locate a small 

switch 

Individuals attempting No solution found 
to open will lose the 

abstract 

conceptualization of 

reality 

Snarky robot voice | No solution found 
materializes and 

challenges individual 

to a rap battie 

Box will growl and Complete 
attack anyone in sight. 

Knocking it 

"unconscious" does 

the trick 

At a random interval} Complete 
the box will emit 
cognitohazardous 

transmissions that 

cause all involved to 

lose interest in 

opening the box. 

Overpowering this 

desire completes the 

mechanism 

Dr. [DATA ... completed 
EXPUNGED] hole 


Staring contest Large eye manifests} Incomplete 
on side facing the 
nearest person. 
Presumably unlocks 
when eye contact is 
broken via 
demanifestation. 
Video footage shows 
an average of 90 
minutes until 
demanifesting 
Intravenous lines Seven IV tubes of All aforementioned 
different colors exterjd colors cause 
from box. A button individuals to explode 
corresponds to each 
color (ROYGBIV) 


Smiling at the box for Smiles must be Incomplete 
four hours, to be sincere and performed 
carried out by by at least five 


members of Mobile |_ individuals 

Task Force Lambda 

Omega Lambda 

(“Happy-go-iucky’s”) 

Pencil sharpening A complete Complete 
Ticonderoga pencil 
slides out of a hole in 
the box. Pencil must 
be placed back into 
hole, which changes 
to operate like a pencil 
sharpener. Upon 
complete sharpening, 
lock disengages. No 
clear way to lose test 
aside from a free, 
quailty pencil 

Salmon Panels on all side Complete 
faces of box 
dematerialize to reveal 
non-euclidean 


passages. Salmon 

gush from 

compartments, 

creating debilitating 

tidal waves of fish. 

Single button on box 

disengages lock 

mechanism 
Contract Contract prints from | Complete, but 

box stating its official annoying 

rights to open said 

lock would be 

provided cost-free, 

provided it be 

processed "correctly". 

This involves getting 

the signed copy 

notarized, framed, and 

placed on the wall of 

its Containment ceil 
Placing a sandwich on Must contain turkey | Completed by 
top of the box accident 
Two buttons One large, red button, No survivors 

bearing a skull and 

crossbones. A small 

green button with a 

happy face 


SCP-????-J's condition was brought to Site-44 director Yanni 
Belushi when O5-1 pointed it out during a leisurely stroll through the 
facility. The conversation is transcribed below: 


SCP-???2-J Discovery Transcript Log: 
O5-1: Oi, what the fuck is that thing? 


Belushi: What, that? It's been around here for god 
knows how long. It's just a box, | think. 


OQ5-1: There are no ‘just boxes' in the Foundation. That 
thing probably has an Apollyon in it, lock that shit down. 


Belushi: Yeah, you're probably right. Guard! 
Guard: What's up, Belush? 


Belushi: Don't call me that, that's not my name. Get this 
box out of here. 


Guard: What, should | throw it in the trash? 


Belushi: No, you fucktard, put it in a containment cell. 
Who knows what is inside the thing. 


Guard: | dunno, Belush, thing feels empty. 


Belushi: | said DON'T FUCKING CALL ME THAT. And 
stop rattling it around, you might piss off whatever is in 
there. 


Guard: I'm telling you mate, this thing is totally empty. 


Belushi: And I'm telling you, put that box in a bigger box 
or else I'll shove my foot so far up your box that you'll be 
having infant-sized Dockers in nine months. 


O5-1: Jesus. 
Guard: Alright! Calm your tits man. 


SCP-????-J was then transported to its current 
containment area. Guard was reprimanded and probably 
demoted, jackass. 


Incident Report ????-1-1A: 


During recent testing, several new locking mechanisms have 
appeared. 


Push-up contest Must perform fifty (50) Complete 
push-ups within 45 
seconds 

Radiation poisoning | Must survive heavy | Incomplete, no 
amounts of ionizing | survivors 


radiation, emanating 
from an unknown 
source on the box 

Darts Three (3) darts Complete 
dispense from 
previously unobserved 
carriage. Opposite 
side of box displays 
target, and lock 
disengages once all 
three darts are thrown 
from 10m away and 
make contact with the 
target 

Baking Random recipe for a} Incomplete 
sponge-based pasiry 
dispenses and must 
be completed within 
thirty minutes 

Russian Roulette Six (6) buttons Complete 
manifest on 
SCP-????'s container. 
At least one button 
causes the interacting 
individual to terminate. 
Autopsy revealed 
internal organ failure 
due to the sudden 
manifestation of a 
Smith and Wesson .38 
revolver within the 
chest cavity 


Any activity involving the creation of new locking mechanisms 
should be reported to site head immediately and recorded in 
SCP-???2?-J Extended Mechanism Log. 


Footnotes 
1.Who in the fuck put it there? God. Damn. It.- Site Director Belushi 
2. Although Dr. Rosenberg reportedly got "A nasty-ass splinter" from 


interacting with the handle. 
3. Excerpt:"| have 13 arms, 10 legs, 2 heads, and smell like burnt 
denim. What am I?"Later googling revealed the answer to be "A 


Liar" 


SCP-????-J Extended Log 


NOTE TO ALL RESEARCH STAFF 


All locking mechanisms related to the opening of SCP-????-J's 
container must be properly logged here. The following format must 
be utilized: 


Name: 


Lock Type: Information on Loc Notes: 
Name: J.R. T Lees 


Lock Type: information on Loc Notes: 
Trivia Test Must answer correctly Completed after three 
at least 7 of 10 tries! 


questions on a variely 
of pop culture topics 
Name: Advanced Al-NCD 
Lock Type: information on Loc Notes: 
Wheel of Fortune Must spin the wheel CONGRATULATIONS, 
and try to answer the YOU WON ONE 
phrases correctly MILLION DOLLARS!2 


Name: Y. P. L 
Lock Type: information on Loc Notes: 
Memetic Agents Five extremely Unsolved$ 


powerful antimemetic 
agents covering a 
button, which needed 
to be pressed 
Name: Dr. Brim 
Lock Type: information on Loc Notes: 
Solar System Trivia | Must name all of the. Completed by Dr. 


planets in the solar 


system 
Name: Dr. | 
Lock Type: information on Loc Notes: 
Verbal Statement Must confess a Completed by Junior 
sincere love of Jar Jar Researcher 5 
Binks 


Name: Advanced Al+-NCD 


Lock Type: information on Loc 
Computer Test Must document an 


Notes: 


Created a slot on 


anomaly via computer 'Joke SCPs’, created 


Name: Dr. Brim 


Lock Type: information on Loc 
A tray containing five Identify the brand of 
glasses of pop, similar the sodas presented 
in color and taste to 
[REDACTED]- 
[REDACTED] brand 
cola 
Name: Dr. Brim 


Lock Type: information on Loc 
A miniature version of We need to kill it. 
SCP-682 subtitled "Kill Anything that didn't 
the lizard" work on the real 682 
won't work here 
Name: Dr. Niblic 


Lock Type: information on Loc 
Tongue Twister Must say a tongue 
twister without any 
mispronunciations. 
Any vocalizations 
made by the speaker 
are telepathically 


an anomaly and 
failed® 


Notes: 
Incomplete’ 


Notes: 
Incomplete 


Notes: 
Complete 


repeated to them after 
a 0.5 second delay 
Broken Finger A completion bar Complete? 
increases for every 
finger broken by a 
resident of Dedoroto, 


Arizona. 

Spin Must spin for 10 Complete 
minutes with arms 
outstretched 

Garden Gnome Box dispenses a Complete 


garden gnome every 
24 hours. Mechanism 
locks itself if a garden 
gnome is removed 
from the containment 
chamber or is facing 
away from the box 
Name: Dr. Edison 


Lock Type: information on Loc Notes: 
Crowbox A wooden box that | Incomplete 
must be opened with a 
specialized crowbar. 
Crowbar is inside the 
box 
Skeleton-In-The-Box [DATA EXPUNGED]_ No survivors 
whereupon a skeleton 
popped out 
Atlas Shrugged A copy of the book | No survivors 
Atlas Shrugged by 
Ayn Rand. Book must 
be read in a single 
sitting 
Don't touch me! A red button that Completed 
expresses annoyance 
when pushed. To 
unlock, subject must 
*not* touch the button, 
but must instead hold 


[DATA EXPUNGED] 


his finger above the 
button and say "I'm 
not touching you!" for 
15 minutes