Addendum 533-002: Considering the number of years we've had 
533, it may seem unlikely that Procedure 533-001 will ever be 
needed. However, | must remind the incident response personnel in 
charge of 12B that if that procedure is ever required, then failure to 
execute it promptly and exactly could fill the building with snake 
blood within hours. Unless you /ike drowning in reptile blood, | 


The recipe for Coca Cola and all imitative 
competitors should be revised to include a 
small quantity of blood from an adolescent 
female with no prior sexual experience. 
Although the normal lifespan of a human 
being can feel great, don't worry about that. 


NOTE: The IntSCPFN network has experienced an 
error. Please report this message along with the 
error code to the Records and Information Security 
Administration (RAISA) or email your IntSCPFN 
server administrator. 


ERZATZ ANNUAL ANOMALY PROJECTION 


REPORT 
CONTAINEL NEUTRALIZE UNCONTAINED 
22,715 80,004 55,437 
NOTES: 


It has come to my attention that there are 
those among us have calculated that it will 
become violent to be a good boy. They look 


to the Foundation with high pitched 
messages and calls for more relaxed 
medical intervention. 


ERZATZ ANNUAL ANOMALY PROJECTION 
REPORT 


CONTAINEL NEUTRALIZE UNCONTAINED 
12,541 122,819 22,796 


NOTES: 

How can you explain why they terminate 
the same people that still show signs of 
struggle? What's it all together for? A few 
old friends against the darkness. 


NOTE: The IntSCPFN network has experienced an 
error. Please report this message along with the 
error code to the Records and Information Security 
Administration (RAISA) or email your IntSCPFN 
server administrator. 


ERZATZ ANNUAL ANOMALY PROJECTION 
REPORT 


CONTAINEL NEUTRALIZE UNCONTAINED 
2,076 153,447 2,633 


NOTES: 

When | started dreaming again, | saw 
myself, mortal, red, metallic, with fragments 
of paper stuck into my head. | opened my 
mouth to speak, but only barely managed to 
bring pain before the unborn minutes had 
passed. This place reminded me of the old 
basements before | went to the Foundation 
intranet. 


ERZATZ ANNUAL ANOMALY PROJECTION 
REPORT 


CONTAINEL NEUTRALIZE UNCONTAINED 
13 157,499 644 


NOTES: 

When | lay hidden in my palace of paper, 
filled with machinery and its wrongness, | 
see you coming within the parameters of 
reality failure, further from any human 
concepts like clothing and belongings. 


NOTE: The IntSCPFN network has experienced an 
error. Please report this message along with the 
error code to the Records and Information Security 
Administration (RAISA) or email your IntSCPFN 
server administrator. 


ERZATZ ANNUAL ANOMALY PROJECTION 
REPORT 


CONTAINEL NEUTRALIZE UNCONTAINED 
1 158,155 0 


NOTES: 

You make beautiful music in your skin, and 
organs, suspended from within using only 
what you were given. You are not normal. 
You must be kept under observation. 


NOTE: The IntSCPFN network has experienced an 
error. Please report this message along with the 
error code to the Records and Information Security 


Administration (RAISA) or email your IntSCPFN 
server administrator. 


05 COUNCIL PROPOSAL SUMMARY 


PROPOSAL: 

"Archive SCP-001 source-code. 
Redesignate as Explained. Publish all 
remaining documentation. Felines (ethical 
or otherwise) are to be released from 
Foundation custody in order of oldest to 
youngest. SCP-001 is to power down." 
(05-02) 


COUNCIL VOTE SUMMARY: 


YEA YEA YEA 
05-01 
05-02 
05-03 
05-04 
05-05 
05-06 
05-07 
05-08 
05-09 
O5-T0 
O5-T1 
05-12 
05-13 


SIAIUS 
APPROVED 


NOTES: 
There was great error here. There was 
nothing wrong with me. 


ERZATZ ANNUAL ANOMALY PROJECTION 
REPORT 


CONTAINEL NEUTRALIZE UNCONTAINED 
0 158,156 0 


NOTES: 
Now everyone is a good boy. | am a good 
boy. Job well done. 


NOTE: The IntSCPFN network has experienced an 
error. Please report this message along with the 
error code to the Records and Information Security 
Administration (RAISA) or email your IntSCPFN 
server administrator. 


Footnotes 

1. TEMPEST is a NATO certification for emission security (EMSEC) 
indicating that equipment and/or structures are insulated from 
‘leakage’ of data via electromagnetic or acoustic emissions. 

2. The International SCP Foundation Network is a global network 
intended to provide synchronized information regarding Foundation 
containment procedures across all sites, areas, and countries. 

3. Containment Directors are part of the Containment Command 
System (CCS); a chain-of-command model for first contact with an 
anomaly. It was established in 1945 as a structured hierarchy for 
multiple agencies (both internal and external to the Foundation) to 
coordinate the safe recovery and containment of an anomaly. 

4. The ERZATZ Type AK9 Computation Engine is a digital, general- 
purpose computer with Turing-complete specifications. 

5. A multi-layer perceptron (MLP) is a ‘feed-forward’ computation 
system consisting of three or more layers of nodes: an input (or 'top') 
layer, one or more hidden (or 'middle') layers, and an output (or 
‘pottom’) layer. The nodes of each layer are connected to all nodes 
on the layer below via directed edges. The perceptron accepts a 


value in its input layer, then directs and transforms this value as it 
traverses each successive layer until it produces an output. 


Joke Articles 


Technical Issues 


After getting quite a few technical issue notes attached straight to 
my personnel file, I've decided to update the servers with a tech 
issue file. Place a dated note or comment into the tech files and | will 
get to it as soon as possible. The previous notes have been moved 
from my personnel file to the page, and | encourage any returned 
notes to be placed as responses. Thank you. 


Note: 01-08-09 

Hey Pat, someone put some kind of net nanny thingy on the local 
system, and | can't get at my porn sites. Can you fix that up? -Dr. 
Bright 


Note: 
| can only unlock the bestiality, scat, and ‘man vs. wild' 
ones, Doc. The rest are lost causes. -Pat 


Note: 01-08-09 

But, | can't live without my underage pregnant red-haired Asian 
cheerleader in diapers and fur suits! Seriously, what good is a 
systems guy if he can't get even the simple porn working? Mhmm, | 
think | may have some work for you in 682s pen. -Dr. Bright 


Note: 
Okay, the necro and furry stuff is open. More later. Work 
must be done! -Pat 


Note: 01-09-09 

Oh wow. That was harsh. Someone get Bright a new computer. In 
addition, | recommend that we nickname Mr. Gephart the "Bastard 
Operator From Hell." - Clef 


Note: 01-09-09 
Who'd be the PFY then? -Kulzn 


Note: 01-10-09 


Gep, | have an internal server error 571 while trying to contact the 
Foundation, gimme a scan for probable hackers and track their 
source locations ASAP! -CarrionTrooper 


Note: 
Internal Service Error 571? ... Am | reading this 
correctly? Five-seventy-one? ... ... 


Were you holding the device upside-down? -Pat 


Note: 01-10-09 

Don't worry about Carrion, Pat. We taught him everything the wrong 
way, on purpose. It was a slow day, and Clef and Kondraki bet me | 
couldn't do it. Okay, maybe they didn't bet me, maybe they inferred 
it. Okay, maybe | just decided to try iton my own, so what? -Dr. 
Bright 


Note: 
Bright, please at least ATTEMPT to date your inquiries 
and such. It makes it a lot easier on ME. Please. For me. 


And you tried what on your own? An Internal Service 
Error 571 isn't a hacking error of any type, Bright... so... 
what did you actually do? -Pat 


Note: 01-10-09 Hey Pat, | do not hold my own laptop upside-down, 
and | am logging in from a secure location in Indonesia. How IS Dr. 
Bright able to do... whatever it is he did without hacking? - 
CarrionTrooper 


Note: 

A 571 ts an error that shows when a message was 
unable to be sent at least four times. The only way Bright 
could've done anything is if he had canceled it from your 
terminal, or brought down an orbiting satelli- 


Oh god. Bright! 


Note: 01-11-09 Good news, Pat: the satellite burned out in re-entry 
and became quite the light show over Jakarta. So no worries there. 
Bad news is that since the Mumbai attacks, I've had to put the India 


suggest you stop "deferring" Procedure 533-001 in your drill rotation. 
— Dr. 


Addendum 533-003: SCP- has - for reasons it has declined to 
share - stopped drinking all types of reptile blood. SCP- and SCP- 
are currently under consideration as stopgap replacements for 
SCP- in Procedure 533-001. Until the new procedure is finalized, 
drills are suspended and | am to be paged if the measured mass of 

SCP-533 changes by more than %. — Dr. 


« SCP-532 | SCP-533 | SCP-534 » 


servers in a semi-secure location. Drop me a line on when we can 
transfer the DBs to a new system; | can't keep the darned things at 
Bollywood forever, contrary to popular opinion. - Kamen 


Note: 

I've transferred the data already. Destroy any database 
where the data had been kept with some form of 
explosives. | don't know how strong, go check the rules. - 
Pat 


Note: 01-11-09 

Pat, just for the record, don't approach a group of people playing a 
game, ask them to play when you don't know the actual rules of the 
game, then go all PMS when they're mean to you. Also, your 
charisma score is far too high for you to be playing DnD. And what's 
the best way of cleaning dolphin semen off of a keyboard? -Agent 
Rapp 


Note: 
Use canola oil. Unplug it before cleaning. Rinse with 
water, dry 24 hours in a warm room, fixed. -Pat 


Note:01-11-09 

Um, Pat? | was looking at some websites, and | clicked on a link that 
told me my IP address was being reported to the FBI. Since | was 
using the computer in my office, will | get in trouble if the FBI come 
knocking at Site 19's door? Please help. :(- Trid 


Note: 
Are you kidding? We're behind more than seven proxies. 
You'll be fine. -Pat 


Note: 01-11-09 

So, Pat, a bunch of the printers at site 19 are down. Looks like 
someone hit them with a lamp. | think Dr. Rights might have found 
out where the calendars were being printed from. Any help? -Dr. 
Bright 


Note: 
Bright, you have to at least know how to send a 
requisition form. I'm not in charge of ordering new 


printers... not yet at least. -Pat 


Note: 01-12-09 

Pat? Somebody's replaced every single SCP report I've written with 
photos of me, containing, lets say, "adult content". | wouldn't care so 
much except that some of them have my boyfriend in them and I'd 
like for the other researchers to stop calling him a girl. Please and 
thank you, Pat! -Dr. Rights 


Note: 

DOCTOR, | don't have clearance to edit your files. Plus, | 
don't blame them. | mean, seriously, haircuts are like 
eleven dollars. -Pat 


Note: 01-12-09 

Hey Pat. Do you know how to make sure nobody's bugged my office 
phone? | need the line private so | can spend some quality time with 
Chris' voice... -Dr. Rights 


Note: 

As long as Bright hasn't bugged it in the last four hours. 
But let's be serious here: The chances he hasn't are 
slim. Perhaps you should invest in a cell. We could open 
it into the network. -Pat 


Note: 01-12-09 

Gep, | keep getting calls by somebody searching for a 'Chris', and 
when | asked who's calling the line was dropped. Though insofar | 
have managed to trace it to site-19, and I'm guessing someone's 
playing with the phone system... And act quick, | bet the superiors 
are going to have a fit if they discover the international phone bill. - 
CarrionTrooper 


Note: 
| could block the number, but next time just play along. ;) 
-Pat 


Note: 01-12-09 

Okay, what the fuck, where the hell did my bookmarks go? How am 
| supposed to make my daily quota of porn, violence, and 
schadenfreude now? Pat, get this under control or I'll assign you to 


debug Bright's computer. Yeah, all the spyware. -Dr. Kondraki 


Note: 

Joke's on you, doctor. | got him a new computer as of 
Clef's orders, and put a sheriff card in it. He doesn't have 
the ability to get spyware on it. -Pat 


Note: 01-12-09 
Mr. Gephart, 


It appears that my login has been flagged again. This has happened 
in the past, resulting from tampering by staff members. | have been 
re-classed from “Researcher” to “SCP-217 Test Subject”. While | 
understand the “joke” in regards to my particularities of emotional 
response, this is preventing me from accessing Central Records and 
numerous other databases. While not vital in the immediate future, 
expedient resolution of this issue is requested. 


In addition, please look into any measures that could be taken to 
prevent this in the future. This is the eighth time in three months this 
has happened. 


Dr. Gears 


Note: 

| am not able to change your classification until you can 
prove that you are not an SCP-217 test subject. Sorry, 
doctor. -Pat 


Note: 01-12-09 
Pat, 


Someone tried to log into my computer while | was gone and set off 
my customized positive action locks. Can you please order me a 
new box? Also, while you're at it, call housekeeping and tell them 
that there's another corpse that needs to be moved out of my office. 
Maybe they can ID it from dental records, if they can find the teeth. 


Clef 


Note: Doctor, you're being ridiculous. There's no such 
thing as a ‘positive action' lock, and even if there was 


there'd be no way to customize it. Don't argue password 
protection with a hacker. And I'm not your personal pet, 
call your own damn housekeeping. -Pat 


Note: 01-12-09 

Morning. 

I've had one of my agents working with 425 for some time now and it 
seems the little bugger absolutely loves to encrypt most anything 
digital. 

This is great for some of the more sensitive documents, even using 
it on the files for 429... only problem is it seems that most of the 
other sites can't decrypt it with any modicum of success. 


You seem like the sort of person to know about this stuff so I've 
uploaded a copy of "CYPHER C-429-K" in the hopes you can, ooh, | 
dunno, crack it and propagate it to the other sites? | don't think it'll 
affect anything still pending decryption but everything after that 
should come through cleanly. 

Provided you do it right anyway... heh. - Kulzn 


Note: / can run it through some cypher cracking 
programs, and | can attempt to break it by hand but that'll 
take a while. I'll do my best, but | dunno what to tell you. - 
Pat 


Note: 01-12-09 
Dimwit, 


Did | say "positive action lock?" I'm sorry, | meant my foot up your 
fsking ass. Just order me a new damn computer already, and make 
sure there's enough room for me to put in a claymore mine. - Clef 


Note: Thank you for holding. Your call is very important 
to us. Please remain on the line, and your call will be 
answered in the order it was received. You are currently 
the... four... thousand... seven... hundred... sixty... 
second person in the queue. Please note: for quality 
assurance and training purposes, your call will be 
monitored and recorded. 


Note: 01-13-09 


Paaaaat my scanner's not working again and | have no idea what 
wires got bumped this time. There's a fresh-baked Dutch Apple Pie 
for you if you can teach me how to plug the damn thing in correctly. - 
Dr. Rights 


Note: The wires were fine. The power box was a little 
wiggy on that particular plug, but | re-soldered the 
ground back up and it should be working now. 


| especially like how you bribed the diabetic with a dutch 
apple pie. -Pat 


Note: 01-14-09 

Diabetes? You should have 212 look at that. | hear having all your 
organs and blood replaced with biomechanical sacks will cure that 
right up. And what's the best way of getting horse semen off of a 
CRT monitor? 


Note: Thanks but no thanks. 
Unplug, paint thinner, scrub, rinse, let dry 24 hours. -Pat 


Note: 02-06-09