Hey Pat, could you give me some of the files on how to crack the 
CIA database again? | forgot the part where the data access 
prevention program is to be shut... and it seems that a corrupted 
file's the only thing standing between me and this latest SCP info. 
Advice please? -carriontrooper 


That's not going to happen. The CIA database doesn't 
even HAVE SCP info, and if there were any corrupt files, 
I'd know. You don't have clearance to the CIA files, or it 
would be available to you. 

Stop trying to break my security measures. -Pat 


Note: 02-06-09 

Pat- Seriously, just ignore Trooper. It's the easiest way. i mean, 
seriously, who cracks the CIA database? We've all got access 
codes. Well, all of us who need them anyways. What was | saying? 
Oh, yeah! My hard drive turned into a Muppet, can you get me a 
new one? -Dr. Bright 


Bright, if you keep doing this, eventually you're gonna be 
the one who gets screwed over. You just lost all your 
porn AGAIN, man. Isn't it getting boring, having to 
redownload it all constantly? Repairs completed, but 
damn, try to be careful? -Pat 


Note: 02-07-09 
Boss, 


While testing security protocols and checking the database's 
integrity, | got 24 Keter-Level Containment Breach notifications; and 
Mark IV lockdown procedures were triggered all over the fucking 
place. After three shots of vodka and the acquisition of a shotgun 
from the locker, | called to see if there was anybody alive and they 
told me that no containment breach occurred nor any Mark IV or any 
other kind of Lockdown procedures were in place. 


| can't find the reason of this security mismatch, my best bet is that 
somebody fucked with the codes as a little practical joke. However 
I'm not fully authorized to access the security protocols regarding 
Keter-Level security monitoring. Can you check who or what the hell 
triggered those bogus alarms? 


-Pat Gibbons 


Ehhhhh, fuck. When you start messing with my 
programming... you see, | put little trip wires into the 
database, to make sure that anyone who was trying to 
fuck with it got locked in WITH it. You know, catch the 
intruders. You tripped the wire by trying to access a 
restricted file from a terminal that | specifically told NOT 
to allow access. Please only access files with Class 4 or 
higher security from your own private terminal, Doctor. - 
Pat 


Note: 02-08-09 
Okay, damnit, | won't do it again. Promise. 


Anyways, server 35 is inaccessible; and all the troubleshooting | 
performed on it (Software and Hardware) gave no tangible results. | 


can't really say if the problem affects the entire Site, but | did check 
on three different terminals, all with the same results. Can you go 
check it out? 


-Pat Gibbons 
Yeah, sure. I'll just go o-... 


It's... it's gone. It's just... gone. Where did Server 35 go? 
| have a feeling Clef or Bright is behind this. Either one of 
them or the Janitor; that guy seems to know all the 
passwords before */* even know them. 

Do we need to, like, set off security, Doctor? 


Note: 02-08-09 
What. The. Fuck? 


My computer just fuckin' EXPLODED. Well, the monitor anyway. | 
just barely avoided having a large overheated plastic piece 
embedded in my skull! Can you look into what the hell caused this 
and maybe recommend a replacement that is less at risk of a similar 
failure? Also how best to get blood off a keyboard and an external 
disk drive? 


-Agent "Damn, that's gonna require stitches..." Thornton 


| have edited your file. We apologize for the 
inconvenience - your new recognized name is 'Damn- 
that's-gonna-require-stitches Thornton’. Someone didn't 
fill the 'First Name' box out. Weird. 


Anyway, yeah, | can tell you exactly what happened. You 
were being stupid. How many things do you need 
plugged into that poor little Gateway? A fucking USB 
fan? Seriously? You have twenty high-stress-bearing 
outlets, and you have to have a normal cool-yourself-off 
fan plugged into your computer? 

I'm not getting you a replacement ANYTHING until you 
learn what a requirement is, and what a non-requirement 
is. Dammit. 


Note: 02-09-09 


Hey, Pat. We have a joker here who is impersonating Agent 
Thornton and pretending that his security pass labeled "Damn, that's 
gonna require stitches... Thornton" is genuine. Everything else 
checks out, except the name (honesily, as hilariously appropriate as 
it is, it is not exactly a bright choice... We're not Australian APEC 
security, dammit!), and the guy is getting increasingly threatening. | 
swear if this doesn't check off there's going to be an attempted 
break-in and the issue with self-resolve... 


-Agent Moore, security 


| don't know how someone would get their hands on an 
official pass labeled something so ironically truthful. | 
would figure you'd have some 'shoot to kill' rule on 
infiltrators. Hmm. 


Note: 02-13-09 


Now first off this is entirely hypothetical, but what would you say was 
the best course of action for removing a sentient and bloody 
malicious program that started out as a simple cipher? And just for 
the hell of it let's pretend it's managed to make a little factory for 
itself and is cannibalising site materials to make strange and 
unseemly machines? | suggested fire but the others here aren't too 
keen on being burnt alive, the pussies. And if | can do it without 
unlocking the doors and going back inside, all the better. Purely 
hypothetical you understand, but you can see where I'm going with 
this. - Agent Kulzn 


Let's assume, for hypothetical purposes, that your cipher 
evolved into something that for some reason, is actually 
affecting the real world. Let's also assume that it actually 
wants to kill people, which is breaking the first rule of 
robotics. 

! would suggest taking whatever the program is on, 
and... well... formatting it? Permanently? Or incinerating 
it... or something... I'd incinerate the machines too, just 
to be sure. 


Note: 02-13-09 


Hey Pat? How come the X-6711 satellite we put in orbit a few weeks 
ago isn't transmitting? I've checked with the guys over at the uplink, 
and no reply from there. Attached are the logs of last transmission. 
Most of it is Bright's porn, but look at lines 16 - 34, I'm not familiar 
with them... Find out what happened to the sat willya? - 
carriontrooper 


Uhhh... yeah. Sure. 

Constantly with the satellites, aren't you? | mean, they're 
worthless satellites. The only thing they're used for is 
recreational activities and porn and such. The field 
agents don't even use those satellites to transfer data, 
because they're not secure. 

Let me make this absolutely clear. Stop worrying about 
the damned satellites. |'m trying to create cameras to 
keep living statues from moving. I'm trying to keep twenty 
locations connected through an absolutely secure 
network. I've got more important things to do then sitting 
around worrying about unimportant satellites. 


That satellite went down on the 10th when it collided with 
Russian satellite Kosmos-2251. Lines 16-34 were 
proximity data, warning the uplink operator of the 
imminent collision. The operator has since been 
reassigned to Keter containment duty. Any further 
questions concerning space operations should be given 
to me; a space operations page is forthcoming. -Fifth 06 
Apr 2009 


Note: 02-15-09 


Hey Pat, me again. My Winamp playlist has become psychically 
linked to my mood again, can you fix that? It's a little annoying when 
it picks mood music for me, even if it's useful for picking ominous 
music when | need to be wary. But it's getting a little annoying. After 
all, | don't need everybody to know what I'm actually thinking about. 
People get a little suspicious when "Get Ready To Die" starts 
playing every time they walk into my office. - Dr. Rights 


Yeah, sure, darling. | can look into it. | mean, | don't 
really know how you're doing this, but | guess | can try to 
do something with it... maybe some sort of Telekill frame 
on it or something? 


| do have to point out though, have you considered just... 
deleting "Get Ready to Die" from your computer? 


Note: 02-18-09 


Hey Pat, hope you don't mind me borrowing a number of your 
servers and wireless equipment to set up my pirate radio station for 
Site 17. I'm sure you'll appreciate it in the long run, after all what's a 
more worthy endeavor than the entertainment of our personnel? On 
that note, I'm sure you'll be fine with taking part of the blame when 
they crack down on it. Heck, I'll even give you a reserved slot so you 
can listen whenever you please(Hope you've got a taste for ambient 
breakcore with embedded terror memes). -Dr. Kondraki 


Note: http://www. youtube. com/watch? 
vV=YxZJYbVALhE -Pat 


Note: 02-21-09 


Two problems for you, Pat. Number one, my digital camera and 
wireless mouse seem to have come to life and are fighting to the 
death, and they attack me whenever | try to get close. | think the 
batteries | bought were possessed. How do | disable batteries from 
a distance without damaging the mouse or camera? And secondly, 
once they're disabled, how do | get dog semen off of the lens of the 
camera? -Agent Rapp 


Note: Sorry. | accidentally destroyed them. | was only 
trying to, you know, subdue them. 


With a hammer. 
Guess you don't have to worry about the dog semen! - 
Pat 


Note: 03-03-09 


Pat, 


SCP-534: Misplaced Blood 


Item #: SCP-534 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: All instances of SCP-534-1, -2, 
and -3 are to be kept in a plastic covered, airtight containment 
chamber. Entrance to the containment chamber is to be conducted 
through a double airlock, the chamber of which is to be equipped 
with a high-grade disinfectant. With the exception of testing, all 
personnel entering SCP-534's containment chamber are to wear 
class three bio-hazard suits. 


Description: Although the biological mechanisms behind their 
support are currently not fully understood, SCP-534 appears to be a 
collection of several different human blood cells and cell fragments 
that have increased in size several hundred times. The components 
of SCP-534 have been placed into three different classifications: 
SCP-534-1: erythrocytes, SCP-534-2: neutrophils, and SCP-534-3: 
thrombocytes. All samples of SCP-534 appear to have the ability to 
survive while "floating" in the air, and are affected by air currents. All 
concentrations of cells appear to match normal blood, with 
SCP-534-1 comprising approximately 97% of SCP-534. No 
instances of SCP-534 require nutrients. 


SCP-534-1 acts in a manner typical of normal erythrocytes and 
averages 1.7 mm in width. It will absorb oxygen from the 
surrounding air. Upon coming into contact with living cells of another 
organism, SCP-534-1 will actively diffuse oxygen into the organism. 
Due to SCP-534-1's large size, over-saturation is common. Allowing 
SCP-534-1 to enter or touch areas of living tissue may cause 
oxygen poisoning, resulting in death of the affected area. SCP-534-1 
appears to have an indefinite lifespan. 


SCP-534-2 is typically 2.2 mm across and will perform phagocytosis 
upon any foreign organic material it comes into contact with. Air 


Some-fucking-how | managed to access Server No. 35 in Security 
Station Alpha, using the old Deutera access protocol. The files were 
corrupted, but the kicker is that the server is STILL gone. 
PHYSICALLY gone. As in, nothing there where Server 35 is 
supposed to be. 


So tell me, what the fuck is going on? And more importantly, how do 
| remove the Deutera protocol and put back the current Tetarti one? 
If somebody knows I've been tampering with the security stations 
without doing that pile of paperwork, | might be elevated to Keter 
duty. And you don't want to know about the last time | voluntarily did 
Keter duty. 


-Pat Gibbons 
Note: Heh. 


You underestimate my speed and current workload, 
Doctor. | may have a thousand things on my list, but | 
managed to install a NEW Server 35 in a different 
location. Check Lab 4A6 and you'll find it. Also, the 
Deutera protocols only work because you are a Doctor, 
Doctor. | kept those up for the higher-ups. Lower levels 
can't access through it. But, if you're complaining, I'll take 
it off the higher accounts, as you wish. -Pat 


Note: 03-05-09 
Mr. Gephart, 


There was a minor security breach today in Lab 20, during testing 
with SCP-457. The situation is now contained, however there was 
extensive damage to both the Lab, and the adjoining secured server 
room. The data was dumped to a emergency back-up system, 
however it is now partially encrypted and in a state of extreme 
disarray. 


Please recover this data in as timely a manner as possible, and 
oversee the installation of a new server. | would assign my assistant 
Iceberg to help, however he is currently processing paperwork for 
the incident, along with several hardware and authorization requests 


related to a personal project | am engaged in. 


In addition, should you encounter any form of embers or flame while 
installing the new server, be advised these are most likely SCP-457. 
Immediately lock down the area, and attempt to avoid SCP-457 until 
response teams arrive. 


Dr. Gears 
Note: No, Doctor. 


Contain SCP-457, and then I'll install a new server. 
Backup data is encrypted by standard protocol and is 
easy to access. | can run it somewhere else easily. I'm 
not, however, risking my ass to install a server (an eight 
hour job) in a room that could contain living fire. -Pat 


Note: 03-08-09 
Pal. 
| accidentally the whole Server 35 


Love, 
-Pat Gibbons 


Note: 
Not THE WHOLE SERVER! -Pat 


Note: 08-0Q-26 
Hey there, son. 


My computer won't make an internet. Do | have to right-click my 
desktop, or unzip my hard drives? 


Thanks for the help, eh. 
-Director Ghost 


Note: 
Internet? What is this ‘internet' you speak of, Director? - 
Pat 


Note: 35-24-9001 
Dearest Mr. Gephart 


If you're reading this, then you're pretty much fucked in the ass as it 
is. 


Toodles, 
SCP- 


Note: 

Bring it on, bitch. 

| eat glitches like you for breakfast, and shit compiled 
Basic out before bed. 

Fondest regards. - Pat 


Note: 3-16-09 


Mr. Gephart? Me and the other research assistants have been 
having some problems whenever we try to access the Foundation 
network. We keep seeing "Error Code 18-Insufficient Security 
Clearance". There's no way that can be right, especially since even 
some of the D-class have been getting access, while we're still 
being denied! If you could fix this we'd appreciate it, especially since 
we need the network to collect our pay. 


-Dr. Gerald 


Note: 

The other researcher assistants and I, doctor. "The other 
research assistants and | are having problems..." | know 
grammar is a hard topic, but you can do it with just a little 
work. | promise. -Pat 


Note 4-1-09 

Pat. My computer has been stolen by Dr. Rights. She glued me to 
my desk, then walked out of the room with my computer, claiming to 
have ‘insufficient room' on her own. It took me three hours to work 
myself free of the glue. Please advise. ~Dr. Dumount 


Note 4-1-09 


My computer now. :D -Rights 


Wow, glue? | always figured you for the ‘'break- 
someone's-wrist-and-handcuft-it-to-the-office-chair' type 
of girl. Who the hell is 'Dr. Dumount'? Anyway, enjoy 
your new computer. Hope it doesn't do the whole music- 
telepathy thing. -Pat 


Note 4-16-09 

Pat. Again my computer has vanished. This time replaced with a 
note saying ‘you'll get mr. mopsey back when | receive $5000". 
Given that | do not know a Mr. Mopsey, what the hell should | do? 
~Dr. Dumount 


Perhaps you could stop losing your computer. -Pat 


Note 4-19-09 
Dude, please tell me that win32 isn't an important system? - Arch 


Okay, let me try to make this simple for you.