“Hole in one!” Lolly shouted victoriously, a blue ball materializing on 
the tee. “Your turn Victor.” 


“ll try, but I’ve never actually golfed like this before,” he replied. He 
snapped Bailey’s reins and he charged towards the ball. 


“They can take our lives, but they cannot take our freedom, though 
logically if we were dead we'd lose all agency making death the 
most effective form of suppressing one’s freedom so never mind!” 
Bailey shouted. 


Victor swung his club as best as he was able, and to his surprise he 
actually hit the ball. It shot around the course just as Lolly's had, 
eventually landing in the hole with a satisfying 'plunk'. 


“Hole in one!” Lolly shouted. 


“Does it always end up in the hole, no matter how you hit it?” he 
asked. 


“Of course silly, that’s what makes it fun. Everyone’s a winner!” 


“Bailey dear, | do believe | detect a hint of dissatisfaction in our VIP's 
tone,” Ripley said. 


"No, I..." 


"| believe you're right Ripley. We can't have a VIP guest leaving our 
Funhouse unsatisfied. Why don't you take us somewhere more 
challenging." 


"Wait, | didn't..." 


“With pleasure,” she agreed. With a twitch of her snout, the 
landscape transformed into a long treadmill moving at top speed. 
She and Bailey broke into a full gallop to stay in place, swerving and 
jumping and ducking to avoid the plethora of obstacles that was 
coming at them. 


“What is this?” Victor asked, clinging onto Bailey for dear life. 


“It’s the Red Queen Obstacle Course!” Lolly replied, who was now 
riding side saddle and twirling a parasol. “You have to do a lot of 
running to stay in one place.” 


“How do you win if you can only run in place?” 


“You don’t win per se. You just don’t lose for as long as you can,” 
Bailey replied. 


“What happens if you lose?” Victor asked. 


“That,” Ripley replied, gesturing behind her with her head. Victor 


looked behind to see a giant, somewhat Dr. Seuss-like catfish at the 
end of the treadmill, its gaping maw ready to swallow them should 
they slacken their pace. 


Victor turned his head forward to see if there was any way off the 
treadmill, but he couldn’t see anything beyond the obstacles rushing 
towards them. The obstacles were, of course, non-standard, 
consisting mostly of large appliances and furniture, as well as at 
least one Boeing 747 they narrowly managed to duck under. 


“At least it wasn’t a United flight? Am | right? SWIVEL CHAIR!” 
Bailey asked as he gracefully avoided the oncoming office fixture. 


“Bailey, we've talked about the topical humour. We're not doing a 
stand-up routine,” Ripley chastised him. “Just stick to the jokes 
about the food. STACKED WASHER/DRYER COMBO!” 


“Lolly, can’t you do something to get us out of here?” Victor pleaded. 


“Well I’m not as powerful as a Fun-lover, but my magic is unusually 
strong in here. GRAND PIANO!” she replied. “I could wish us out of 
here...but what I’d really like is some bubble gum, so | wish for that!” 


At her command a large gumball machine materialized a fair ways in 
front of them, smashing upon hitting the treadmill and sending 
thousands of gumballs rolling towards them. 


“Oh Caramel Corn!” Bailey cursed as both he and Ripley were 
unable to avoid tripping on the confectioneries. They both fell to the 
ground and were immediately swept down towards the waiting 
orifice of the catfish. “Curse you, Lolly! Your oral fixation has killed 
us all!” 


Victor screamed as he was swallowed by the monstrous fish, and he 
continued to scream when he found himself falling down a vine 
covered shaft crisscrossed with rope bridges. He was still screaming 
when he passed the last bridge where Ripley and Bailey were 
seated comfortably in their humanoid forms sipping tea. He 
screamed when Bailey grabbed his ankle and his arm stretched out 
like a bungee cord, he screamed when he saw he was falling 
towards a lake infested with crocodiles, he really screamed when 


one of the crocodiles leapt out of the water and tried to eat him, and 
he even screamed when Bailey’s bungee arm snapped him back up 
and safely deposited him on the bridge next to Lolly, who was 
literally ROTFLMAO. 


“You're welcome,” Bailey said nonchalantly as Victor laid 
hyperventilating before him. “As | was saying, if we can just get 
Manny to invest in some ultra-pasteurization equipment then we can 
keep Milk for months instead of days, no one has to drink that 
powdered crap anymore, and we can sell the surplus.” 


“What the hell was that!” Victor demanded, rising to his feet. “I 
almost died!” 


‘Victor, they’re just teasing you,” Lolly said through her snickers as 
she rose to her feet. “I told you everything in here is under their 
control, and they would never let anything bad happen to a guest, 
would you now?” 


“Of course not,” Bailey replied. “Manny would send us back home if 
were to let any misfortune befall any of our visitors.” 


“Then again, he can’t send too many of us away because then he 
wouldn't have enough Milk, so we’re not completely without 
bargaining power,” Ripley said. “Maybe enough to ask for a new 
chew toy now and again?” 


“Don't listen to her. Even if they actually wanted to, | take my job as 
your attendant very seriously and would never let anything happen 
to our VIP guest.” 


“Lolly, | believe you. | do, but | am not having a fun time. Please, | 
would like to leave,” Victor requested. 


“All right,” Lolly let out a disappointed side. “Bailey, can you keyhole 
us straight to the exit?” 


“Oh, I’m sorry Lolly but you know the fine print as well as anyone: 
Do not exit until the ride has come to a complete stop.” 


“Leaving now would be like jumping out of a roller coaster,” Ripley 
explained. “It would be hilariously ironic if you were to let your 


irrational fear of a carnival ride drive you to plunge to your death, 
now wouldn’t it?” 


“Then what's the quickest way out?” Victor demanded. 


“Well below is the splash pad, and if you go through that you'll pass 
through Ripley’s Aquarium on the way to the milking room which has 
an emergency exit,” Bailey said thoughtfully. “Though | doubt you'll 
like that since you have to cross the aquarium in a paddle boat and 
it is full of sea monsters.” 


“| made them all myself, believe it or not,” Ripley said proudly. 


“No, | think you'd be better off going up through the 3D Jungle 
Labyrinth.” 


Victor looked up to see that the countless levels of rope bridges and 
ladders did form a dauntingly labyrinthine design. 


“How long will that take?” he asked exhaustedly. 


“Not long enough when you're having fun,” Bailey replied. “But with 
your sourpuss attitude, it could very well take weeks.” 


“Well then we'll have to make it more fun, won’t we?” Ripley asked. 


“Oh, let’s make it a race!” Lolly suggested. “Last one to the top is a 
Fun-lover’s moulted husk!” 


“| have an even better idea; a rat race, to appeal to Mr. Corporate 
here!” Bailey decreed. With two quick claps a swarm of enormous, 
black, vicious rats spilt onto the bridge they were on, hissing and 
baring their jagged teeth at Victor. 


“Climb.” 


Victor and Lolly dashed for the nearest ladder, the onslaught of 
vermin snapping at their ankles. They clambered up the rungs as 
quickly as they could, but the rats proved capable of shimmying up 
the sides. 


“That’s it Vicky, climb that corporate ladder! Fake it ’til you make it!” 


“Dress for the job you want, not the job you have!” Ripley added. 
“Honestly, an off the rack suit? What was he thinking?” 


Victor was the first to reach the second bridge and immediately ran 
for the first ladder he saw. He had to duck to avoid a tire, log and an 
orangutan swinging by on vines, but he made it to the ladder safely. 
Just as he was about to grab it, it was yanked out of his reach. 


“No!” he looked around desperately for another ladder, only to see it 
dangling a few meters away. He leapt for it, but it was again cruelly 
yanked back up at the last second. And so was the third one, and 
the fourth. And the fifth. “Lolly! Lolly, what do we do!” 


“| think they made that very clear; have fun,” she told him. She 
pulled out a party horn and blew it, and the ladder gently lowered 
itself down and allowed her to grab hold of it. “Grab on.” 


Victor wrapped his arms around her tightly and the ladder carried 
them several levels up to a bridge that was swinging back and forth 
like a gazebo swing. 


“There. That should give us a bit of a head start.” A wooden plank 
burst in half as a rat smashed its head through from underneath. “Or 
not. Run!” 


They sprinted off down the bridge and caught sight of a door near 
the end. “In there. Quick!” 


Victor threw the door open and the two of them hurried inside, 
slamming the door behind them. Victor leaned his back against the 
door to catch his breath, giving him a proper view of the room he 
found himself in. 


There was a fat Clown in a bishop’s hat tied to a chair surrounded 
by a group of deformed but seemingly animate sock puppets. 


“Freaky Friday! Freaky Friday! Freaky Friday!” the puppets chanted 
rhythmically as they pumped their fists in unison. 


“Ahhhh...” 


“Please don’t tell my wife,” the Clown requested. Before either could 


that final track. | know | said you're going to tell me, but please, 
DON'T tell me. 


Subject: E-Class Personnel, L P . It should be of note that 
L P , while aware of music, does not like or listen to music. 
Artist Profile: L P does not think highly of herself. She 
thinks she is ugly and alone. She has frequent thoughts of suicide in 
between lusting after [NAMES REDACTED]. L P doesn't 
know why she gets up in the morning. 

Music Results: The playlist did not consist of music, but a list of 
names from Site 16 personnel. When played, the subject's voice 
would state her deepest opinions on the track's staff member. 
Despite protests from the subject, testing personnel played every 
track in order to find any discrepancies. Subject was visibly angry. 
Subject Comments: Turn it off! | said turn it off! 


Subject: Subject D-258. It should be of note that Subject D-258 
does not listen to music. When questioned, Subject D-258 could not 
name one genre or band, stating all music is noise. 


Artist Profile: was bornon / /19 to and 
: went to the following schools: [DATA 
EXPUNGED]. was eventually convicted of [DATA 


EXPUNGED]. He was later recruited by an organization known as 
the SCP Foundation to test one of their many strange relics. 
committed suicide shortly after this test. 
Music Results: Music consisted of one track of unknown bitrate and 
quality, exceeding several days, possibly years, worth of time, 
squeezed into exactly two (2) gigabytes. When played, [DATA 
EXPUNGED]. [DATA EXPUNGED] had no effect on listening 
personnel, but sent Subject D-258 into a state of shock. Subject 
D-258 committed suicide via blunt force trauma to the head. When 
fast-forwarded to the end of the track, the track vaguely sounds like 
Subject D-258 being transferred to Site 16, with what sounds like 
D-258's thoughts in the background; mostly violent and insulting 
thoughts towards the staff, turning to horror upon hearing SCP-624. 
After Subject D-258's suicide, the track continues playing past its 
run time and cuts to [DATA EXPUNGED]. It is unknown how much 
longer the track continues, as all personnel present quickly fled the 
testing room and demanded testing be ceased immediately. 
Personnel present to [DATA EXPUNGED] were reported visibly 


respond a Fun-lover in its default form lowered itself down from the 
ceiling. 


“Employees only!” it screeched, grabbing Victor with one of its many 
webbed hands and throwing him out the door. 


“Victor!” Lolly screamed as she ran after him. Victor expected to be 
swarmed by rats immediately but instead was greeted with the 
serene music of a pan pipe. He looked up to see the instrument 
being played by Bailey, gracefully perched on the rope railing with all 
the rats entranced by his music. 


“We tried our best Lolly, but even when we customize our attractions 
to his personal tastes he’s still not having fun,” Ripley said with a 
sad shake of her head. “So ungrateful. You’re lucky you got your 
Milk when you did because mine really is going to be sour now. 
"There’s no point in going on like this; you'll never reach the top by 
climbing.” 


“So we're just stuck here?” Victor asked. 
“Not to worry little Vicky. The fastest way up is down.” 


Ripley snapped her fingers, and for the four of them gravity reversed 
and they all fell upwards. 


The bridges and vines all parted to allow the quartet to pass, and 
quickly gave way to the void of space. It was filled with enormous 
glow-in-the-dark stickers. They were mostly shaped like traditional 
stars arranged into circus themed constellations, but there were also 
some shooting stars, cratered moons, crescent moons, ringed 
planets and whirlpool galaxies. The sight was distracting enough 
that it took Victor nearly a full minute to realize that they weren't 
moving. 


“Why aren’t we falling anymore?” he asked. 


“Because there’s no gravity in space obviously, and we usually have 
the inertia turned off as a safety precaution,” Ripley replied. 


“Nobody panic. | can get us out of here,” Bailey assured them. 


He reached into his pocket and pulled a bright red rocket kiddie ride 
large enough to accommodate all of them. Once he had everyone 
strapped in, he placed a firm grip on the steering wheel. 


“Hold on to your lunches, because we're going for the ride of our 
lives!” With a melodramatic gesture, he pressed the big red button 
on the dashboard. To his disappointment, all it did was flash the 
words INSERT COIN. “Oh. Does anyone have a quarter?” 


“| have midway tokens,” Lolly replied. 


“It doesn’t take tokens, it takes quarters,” Bailey replied. “What about 
you Vicky, you got any quarters?” 


“| almost never use cash,” Victor replied. 


“That figures, the rich guy doesn’t have a quarter when he needs it,” 
Ripley snorted. “Il have a Canadian quarter from that show we did at 
Estevan.” 


“A Canadian quarter is worse than nothing! It has the Queen of 
England on one side and a reindeer on the other! A frickin’ reindeer! 
Unless it’s Christmas at Buckingham Palace how the hell is anyone 
supposed to take that seriously? | need George Washington and a 
bald eagle or nothing!” 


“Lolly said you were gods in here. Can’t you just make a quarter?” 


“Currency created by divinities is still considered counterfeit 
otherwise gods would be bribing people to worship them all the time 
and there’d be massive inflation and economic collapse, did you fail 
basic theology and economics? GAWD!” 


The four of them sat in silence for a moment, trying to think of a way 
out of their predicament. 


“Oh! | know how to get us moving!” Ripley claimed. She snapped 
her fingers and in the distance appeared a fiery accretion disk 
orbiting a circular black abyss. The rocket immediately lurched 
towards it, the stars racing by at an ever increasing speed. 


“A black hole! Good thinking Ripley! We’ll be out of here in no time,” 


Bailey said. 


“But what happens when we reach the black hole?” Victor asked. 
Ripley and Bailey exchanged uneasy glances with each other. 


“Sorry Vicky, we can’t hear you. There’s no sound in space. You’ve 
seen too many sci-fi movies,” Ripley said. 


“Now now Ripley, one should never let something as 
inconsequential as the laws of physics get in the way of a good 
story,” Bailey asserted. “Matter of fact, let’s have some grand sound 
for our grand finale!”