Enough. Enough!! Your words, | should never 
have asked for them. What a miserable venture, 
this all has been. | shall indeed speak to her, on 
my own, if the all of you would cease your 
unhelpful chattering. This manuscript is useless. 
| would not have any further eyes look upon it, 
least of all its intended. —Grauen Wolke 


1. For heaven’s chitinous scurrying sake, Grauen, her 
personal given name is “Ren”. Their word for "lotus". 
Endeavor to use it, if you would have her notice you. 
~Schreien W. 

2. You ask too much of your older brother, liebling. He 
would be inclined to think it improper becauseshenever 
told him to call her that. ~Tanzer 

3. You missed a syllable! ~W.S. 

4. This is not a true rhyme, you should know. ~W.S. 

5. What does this even mean? It's not romantic at all... 
what is she seizing? ~Tanzer 

6. How does this make you appealing as a mate, though! 
Compliment her all you like, but none of your good bits 
show through here! ~Schreien W. 


7. Wait until they've established a good rapport before 
mentioning "showing good bits", Schreien. Shame on 
you. ~Tanzer 

8. You two both misunderstand the point of romantic 
poetry. An ode to yourself won't woo anyone else. ~W.S. 
9. Crawling creeping guts of glop, you arehorribleat 
talking well of yourself! Older brother, surely there 
issomethingin your accomplishments you can boast of? 
~Schreien W. 

10. This part | like, but surely you first saw her at the 
festival decades ago? To be sure, you sound like a 
stalker! ~Tanzer 

11. Such a familiar form of address? Scandalous! Or 
perhaps... you are trying to be of suggestive nature? 
~Tanzer 

12. | thought she's of fairly average build... ~Schreien W. 
13. Always be complimenting a mantis, idiot! Grau dear, 
you should say she ismuch largerthan the average male. 
Praise her imposing stature! ~Tanzer 

14. Do mantis ladies not wish to be petite? ~W.S. 

15. The Empress Mantid is quite tall, | believe. And the 
ladies tend to be more impressive. ~Schreien W. 

16. Best to remain objective and tell the truth, methinks. 
~W.S. 

17. Are you sure this last bit merits stating? Or do you 
find her demon laugh endearing? You need to Say it is 
endearing, otherwise how will anyone know? ~Schreien 
W. 

18. Let's hope that runs in the family, eh? EHH? 
~Schreien W. 

19. See, she has friends. Talk to them more often. | know 
you don't get out of the clouds much, but you should stop 
asking about her history and start asking about her taste 
in men. Surely they'd be happy to gossip onthattopic as 
well? Have you asked any other members of the Hand 
about her? ...why didn't you think of this already...? 
~Schreien W. 

20. Oh ho ho! A potential rival in love? Do you know 
more of this mantid lord? Are you jealous? Is that why no 
name is given? Do not be petty! ~Tanzer 


21. This has been a very thorough retelling. Still. | would 
wager my left pincer that she could kick your scuttering 
scraping stinger-tipped ass if you angered her, Grau. Are 
you still so certain you wish to court her, a duelist? 
~Schreien W. 

22. Perhaps you should speak more of her apparatus 
work done for the Serpent's Hand? You purchased all 
those new books on the craft and her famous 
classification system so you could talk to her, why not 
use some of that knowledge here? ~W.S. 

23. The lady mantis may not like her crafting secrets 
spewed everywhere, old man. | think she likes to play 
coy so potential commissioners will seek her out. Not that 
it matters in Grau's case, he breaks things when he's 
nervous... ~Schreien W. 

24. This is why you need to meet more fellow insectkin!! 
No wonder you've been so moony every time festival 
season arrives. ~Tanzer 

25. |... what, this is attractive to you, Grau? ~Tanzer 

26. Simply tell her you want to do the oldpromenade a 
deuxwith her already. You know what | mean. Surely the 
reaction will be positive, if not entertaining. ~Tanzer 

27. How crude! Listen not to her, cloudkin. Woo the lady 
as you see fit. ~W.S. 


Kol Format 


HUMANS'12 


Other names 
FEEDERS, BIG ONES, PROTECTORS 


Conspectus 


HUMANS CAN BE CLASSIFIED INTO THREE 
TYPES. FEEDER HUMANS, PROTECTOR 
HUMANS, AND BAD HUMANSS. FEEDER AND 
PROTECTOR HUMANS ARE GOOD, AND 
PART OF THE SCHOOL IN THEIR OWN 
SPECIAL WAYS. THE SCHOOL MUST 


CHERISH THESE GOOD HUMANS, AND 
ALWAYS ASK THEM FOR FOOD. BAD 
HUMANS ARE DANGEROUS AND WILL 
ATTEMPT TO HURT THE SCHOOL. THE 
SCHOOL MUST EAT THE BAD HUMANS SO 
THEY DO NOT HURT US4S. 


Knowledge 


Traits: 

HUMANS ARE BIG, AND DO NOT LIVE IN THE 
WATER. THEY WALK ON LEGS, LIKE MANY 
THINGS THAT DO NOT LIVE IN THE 
WATER®’. THEY ONLY HAVE TWO LEGS, 


BECAUSE THEY USE ARMS TO FEED, 
PROTECT, OR HARM THE SCHOOL8. SOME 
FEEDER HUMANS PUT THEIR ARMS IN THE 
WATER WITH FOOD ATTACHED TO THEM? 
TO FEED THE SCHOOL. THIS IS VERY SILLY, 
BUT THE SCHOOL TOLERATES THIS 
FOOLISHNESS BECAUSE THE FEEDER 
HUMAN IS GOOD'9. 


ALL HUMANS LOOK VERY SIMILAR". WITH 
A LOT OF PRACTICE, THE SCHOOL CAN 
LEARN TO TELL ONE HUMAN FROM 
ANOTHER, BUT THIS IS NOT NECESSARY. 
THE EASIEST WAY TO TELL THE 
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HUMANS IS TO ASK 
FOR FOOD. 


Nature: 

FEEDER HUMANS FEED THE SCHOOL. 
FEEDER HUMANS ARE VERY GOOD. THE 
SCHOOL MUST EAT THINGS THAT WOULD 
HARM THE FEEDER HUMAN?213, 


PROTECTOR HUMANS PROTECT THE 
SCHOOL. SOMETIMES THEY CHASE AWAY 
PREDATORS. SOMETIMES THEY POUR 
CHEMICALS OR MAGIC INTO THE WATERS 
TO CHASE AWAY DISEASE. DO NOT EAT 
THE CHEMICALS OR MAGIC, THEY DO NOT 
SATISFY THE SCHOOL. 


SOME HUMANS ARE BAD HUMANS WHO 
WILL ATTEMPT TO HURT THE SCHOOL. EAT 
THEM. 


History & Associated Parties: 

MANY GENERATIONS AGO, FEEDER 
HUMANS AND THE SCHOOL MADE A 
CONTRACT. THE FEEDER HUMANS WOULD 
FEED THE SCHOOL, AND IN RETURN, THE 
SCHOOL WOULD HELP THE FEEDER 


SCP-713: Click Anywhere Computer 


Item #: SCP-713 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-713 is to be kept ina 
standard Safe-class inanimate-object containment cell at Site 
Standard positive-action defenses are to remain in place at all times. 
It is not to be plugged in while stored. 


Description: SCP-713 is a desktop personal computer running 
Windows 95. It bears no external manufacturer’s markings, but 
internal inspection reveals it to be composed entirely of hardware 
commercially available in the late 1990s. The keyboard and mouse 
connectors are soldered into their sockets, and there are no ports 
available for peripherals except the monitor. The computer has no 
Internet capability. The hard drive contains assorted commercially 
available software, including [DATA EXPUNGED] office suite, 
[DATA EXPUNGED] image-editing software, and Solitaire. 


SCP-713's mouse may be used to move its cursor off the screen. 
The cursor does not change size or appearance, remaining two- 
dimensional (though capable of moving in three dimensions; the 
scroll wheel controls the z-direction) and resembling a light 
projection without an apparent source. It may be used to "click and 
drag" individual items. Dragged objects’ size and mass do not seem 
to impede it: it has demonstrated the ability to exert forces of at least 
150 KN. Care must be taken in use of the object, as sudden flicks of 
the wrist coupled with poorly-timed release of the left mouse button 
have resulted in damage to the containment room's walls. 


The right mouse button does not appear to function when the cursor 
is outside the monitor. However, when the word-processing program 
is open on the monitor, left-clicking on a sheet of writing material 
produces a cursor like that of a word processor. Typing then results 
in letters, in composition apparently identical to the cursor although 


HUMANS. AT FIRST WE PROTECTED THE 
FEEDER HUMANS, BY EATING ALL THE BAD 
THINGS. AS HUMANS GREW, PROTECTOR 
HUMANS WERE HATCHED THAT COULD 
PROTECT BOTH THE SCHOOL AND THE 
HUMANS. THE CONTRACT WAS NOT 
BROKEN, BECAUSE THE SCHOOL COULD 
DO MANY OTHER THINGS. SO SOME OF US 
BECAME BEAUTIFUL TO THE HUMANS, AND 
PROTECTED THE HUMANS' MINDS 
INSTEAD. OTHERS OF US CONTINUE TO 
FULFILL OUR PART BY EATING ALL THE BAD 
THINGS WE CAN FIND1415, 


Approach: 

ASK FOR FOOD16, FEEDER HUMANS WILL 
FEED. PROTECTOR HUMANS WILL KEEP 
NON-FEEDER OR PROTECTOR HUMANS 
FROM HURTING THE SCHOOL. ALWAYS ASK 
FOR FOOD. THE SCHOOL MUST BE FED. 
THE SCHOOL HUNGERS'7. 


Other Detail: 

HUMANS ARE DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND. 
SOMETIMES, LAND THINGS PREVENT THEM 
FROM FEEDING THE SCHOOL. THE SCHOOL 
IS ALLOWED TO EAT EVERYTHING THAT IS 
FOOD UNTIL THE FEEDER HUMAN 
RETURNS. THE FEEDER HUMAN WILL 
ALWAYS REPAIR THE POND FROM 
WHATEVER THE SCHOOL HAS DONE!819. 


Observations & Stories 


ONCE, THERE WAS A VERY SMALL FEEDER 
HUMAN. THIS FEEDER HUMAN FED THE 
SCHOOL BEFORE FEEDING ITSELF. WHEN 


BAD MAGIC CAME TO HURT THE FEEDER 
HUMAN, THE SCHOOL ATE THEM ALL UP. 
THIS IS HOW THE SCHOOL FULFILLS THE 
CONTRACT, EVEN WITHOUT MAGIC OF ITS 
OWN. 


HUMANS WRITE MANY THINGS ABOUT 
THEMSELVES. THESE THINGS DO NOT 
ALWAYS MAKE SENSE, BUT A SCHOOL 
THAT WISHES TO KNOW MORE ABOUT 
HUMANS WOULD BE WELL-SERVED BY 
READING EVERY SINGLE THING29. 
SOMETIMES THERE IS SENSE IN THE 
NONSENSE?1, 


SOME HUMANS ARE BOTH FEEDER 
HUMANS AND PROTECTOR HUMANS. 
HUMANS MAY BE MORE COMPLEX THAN 
THE SCHOOL ACCOUNTED FOR22. 


Doubt 


The School is hardly some great monolithic 
entity, Carp of the Sky. | would appreciate it if 
you tried not speaking for all of us. | should hope 
that you were aware that not all carp belong toa 
single school, much less all carp in every 
universe! Perhaps you should utilize your great 
magic to visit some other universes. Perhaps 
you would learn something. Also, | object to the 
notion that it is unimportant to know the faces of 
the humans. The primary feeder is always more 
generous when you swim over to them and ask 
for food, instead of requesting food from some 
stranger. -Sweet Momma2324, 


Sometimes, the humans take other carp away. 
These carp never return. It seems rather 


dangerous to me. | believe that a rejection of the 
contract may be best, in order to protect 
ourselves. -Destroyer of Duckweed. 


The best protection is vicious aggression. 
Remember to aim for the eyes, when you leap to 
strike. - The Spear of Clear Water. 


We can become dragons at a whim, Destroyer. 
What's to stop us from taking the humans away 
in turn? -Skeletor, the Dark Lord of All Ponds. 


A whim? Really, you would claim that? You have 
to be at the Dragon's Gate to ascend! Unless 
you want to risk the humans magically- 
accelerating the process, and turning you into 
that creature that haunts the Pelewathiipi. Us 
paladin are ever at work clearing our newfound 
home of such horrible abominations. -The Spear 
of Clear Water2526, 


What's a paladin? Is it a way of eating food? - 
Sharkie2728 


| would explain, dear, but | fear that the fact that 
it has nothing to do with food would make you 
completely lose interest. We should discuss food 
sometime, though. It's quite good, don't you 
agree? -Sweet Momma. 


Aggression? Why, what sort of brute would 
immediately turn to attack those who feed us 
and care for us? Humans have never been a 
threat, and never will be if you treat them right. 
But | shouldn't expect a filter-feeder to know of 
that, should I? -Cteno Grass29 


ALL CARP ARE ONE IN THE SCHOOL. 
DISCRIMINATION IS NOT THE WAY OF 
CARP. THIS IS FINAL. THERE WILL BE NO 
MORE WORDS DISCRIMINATING AGAINST 


MEMBERS OF THE SCHOOL. -CARP OF THE 
SKY303132 


|, for one, object to the lack of discussion about 
the great varieties of food offered to us by the 
humans. Being part of the contract is a heaven 
of the culinary arts. Perhaps my part in this 
contract isolates me in a different dimension, but 
food is the one thing we can all share. Food is 
quite good, after all. -Sharkie33 


1. It's an article about humans, by carp. I'm so proud. -LK 
2. This should be funny. -Speaker 

3. I'd like to think we're alittlemore complex than that. -LK 
4. Do they realize that they're toothless and smaller than 
humans? -LK 

5. | don't want to know how they think they can go about 
eating "bad people," Laurie. -Speaker 

6. Have these fish ever heard of snakes? Or turtles, or 
water striders, or eels... | think Laurie is rubbing off on 
me. -Speaker 

7. Aww, you've learned about pond ecology! I'm so proud 
of you, Speaker. -LK 

8. | think | Know what's important to them. -LK 

9. Those are called hands, and they're important. -LK 

10. | don't like the idea that tolerance means "eating 
fingers." -Speaker 

11. Well, there's something we can agree on. -Speaker 
12. I'm still not sure they know how small, squishy, and 
generally harmless they actually are. -LK 

13. | saw that finger-nibbler of yours swallow a newly- 
hatched bird whole. They're not harmless, and they 
probably utilize magic as well. -Speaker 

14. Sharkie doesn't do anything to protect my mind. | 
think | have nightmares about her becoming the size of a 
star and eating the galaxy. -Speaker 

15. Well, that's not her fault. She's doing her best. |feel 
safe knowing that the carp are protecting me. I'm going to 
take away your annotation rights if you keep talking 


about "horrible carp magic." -LK 

16. | sense a recurring theme with this article, and it's not 
the humans. | get the sinking feeling that this is the only 
approach carp have to problems. -LK 

17. | knew it. These fish are actually black holes in 
disguise. Worse than black holes, really. Of all the 
cosmic phenomena in this universe, carp are one of the 
scarier ones. Anything that would devour the universe 
and still hunger for more is unstoppable. -Speaker 

18. You little rascals. -LK 

19. The implication that your koi mangled the weir on 
purpose is actually rather disturbing. -Speaker 

20. Oh, no. They'reliterate. We're all doomed. -Speaker 
21. That's adorably philosophical. -LK 

22. I'd certainly say so. -LK 

23.Who names a fish that?!-Speaker 

24. Maybe she named herself that? Do try to be tactful. - 
LK 

25. How is it stillalive? -LK 

26. Carp magic. Horrible, world-devouring carp magic. - 
Speaker 

27. Sharkie? Is thatmySharkie?! -Laurie 

28. Obsessed with food? | would say that's her. -Speaker 
29. A racist fish. That's something | never thought I'd see. 
-Speaker 

30. Listen to the wise carp, lovelies. -Laurie 

31. INDEED, | AM WISE, FOR MY WHISKERS ARE 
VERY LONG. -CARP OF THE SKY 

32. Holy shit. -Speaker 

33. Yes, because you try to eat fingers. 
Specificallymyfingers. -Speaker 


How To Adopt A Butterfly Koi 


How To Adopt A Butterfly Koi 


Conspectus 


Butterfly koi are irreplaceable lifelong 
companions, who arose as a cross between 
Indonesian longfin river carp and traditional koi. 
They are noted for the majestic flowing fins they 
gained as a result of the outcross. Also gained 
from the crossing were rather dignified-looking 
lengthened barbels, "pompom" growths around 
the nostrils, and increased hardiness which 
makes them ideal as both household guardians 
and scholarly companions for those brave or 
foolish enough to study at the limits of elemental 
sorcery. While not commonly considered "true" 


koi!23, rather "onagaoi" or "hire naga goi," their 
beauty and strength makes them welcome 
additions to any school, household, royal court, 
water society, crustacean valet service, aquatic 
matchmaking house, or birthday party. 


Illustration 


Behold, an honorable butterfly koi delivering the 
traditional greeting. 


Knowledge