Ruiz yanked the blade from the wall. 


“You weren't supposed to leave. You were supposed to think about 
leaving, but you weren’t supposed to actually fucking leave. Felix, 
why the fuck did you decide now was a good time to start being 
unpredictable?” 


Felix didn’t know what to say, so he sat and said nothing. 


“Pico doesn’t know what he’s getting into, Pico’s fucking nuts, you 
don’t get how proper fucking mental this guy is. He is going to wreck 
everyone’s shit. Fuck.” 


Ruiz sat down and continued to paint the yellow blade. Felix 
composed himself and asked the question that he came to ask. 


“So what exactly are you trying to do?” 


“Instigate a paradigm shift. Remove the centralised power system. 
Dethrone The Critic.” 


“And... how?” 


Ruiz held up the blade. 


“You see this, Felix? I’ve been working on just this one blade for a 
month. It’s the most subtle work I’ve ever designed. Look at it, and 
you feel nothing. | can stick it on the rack, and you'll feel nothing, | 
can put it in with a million other blades, and nobody would notice the 
difference. This one blade makes everything else I’ve ever done 
look like fucking kiddie scribbles, because you look at this blade, 
and you feel absolutely nothing about it.” 


“So what does it actually do?” 


“Nothing. Felix, this blade does absolutely nothing, and it’s the finest 
thing I’ve made in my entire life. I've got enough deadly bullshit in 
here to kill a country, and absolutely none of it breaks reality, and 
this is what | am going to show to The Critic, and this is what is 
going to drive him mad. Felix, I’m going to fill a room with deathtraps 
so obvious, so profoundly fucking stupid, that Nobody is going to 
actually use them.” 


SO MUCH FOR ACT ONE 
« Novel Cultivars | Hub | The Toyman And The Doctor » 


The Toyman And The Doctor 


Document Identification Number: DOCWON-525276 
Acquisition Method: Mailed to Site-17 


Additional Documentation: Mailed In Unmarked Manilla Envelope, 
Sealed. 

Inside: Seven (7) Marked A5-size Envelopes. Envelopes Numbered 
Sub-Documents -1 to -7 As Follows. 


Sub-Document: DOCWON-525276-1 

Marked A5-size Envelope, Addressed to "Mister Doctor 
Wondertainment", Unsealed. 

Inside: Crumpled A3-size White Paper, Text On Front In Black Pen, 
Text On Reverse In Red Crayon. 


Front: 


THE TOYMAN AND THE DOCTOR 
(A Little Bit Of Fiction By You Know Who) 


“I’m just... bored.” 
Doctor Wondertainment was not a real doctor. 


“Kids don’t care about my toys any more. It’s all virtual, 
these days. Who cares about having a real friend any 
more? Jessie! Cancel the next line of Misters! They 
never sold anyway.” 


Four hundred metres down, twelve half-developed 
embryonic monstrosities were euthanized. 


“Sitting inside all day, sharing cat pictures on the 
internet, looking up who knows what through who knows 
where. They won’t pay attention to the real world.” 


Jessie walked through the door, coffee in one hand and 
PDA in the other. 


“Sir, that’s not quite —“ 
“YOU PUT THAT FUCKING THING DOWN.” 


The Toyman leapt to his feet, tore the PDA from her 
hands, and threw it out the window. 


“Sir, that was —“ 


The Toyman pulled the burning hot coffee from her grip 
and threw it in her eyes. 


“AHHHHHHHH — 

The Toyman threw Jessie out the window. 

“Jessie, you stupid, stupid girl.” 

The Doctor pressed a button under his desk. 
Jessie walked through the door, coffee in one hand. 


“Sir, that’s not quite right. Market studies are showing 
that... hang on, | think | left something in —“ 


“No, no, no...” 

The Doctor pressed a button under his desk. 
Jessie walked through the door, coffee in one hand. 
“Sir, | completely agree.” 


“| Know, Jessie, | know. But how do we convince them to 
pay attention to the real world? These kids are spending 
every day indoors, their eyes are going to turn square 
from staring at all their video games and movies and 
cartoons and comic books and video games and comic 
books. How do we get this fresh generation out of the 
house?” 


Jessie moved over to The Doctor, crossing her legs as 
she sat on his desk. 


“Simple, sir. We destroy their houses. We tear the 
rooves from above their heads. We kill their parents and 
make them orphans. We force them into the streets, 
where they will finally be able to be play with your toys 
and be happy. And if they don’t want to be happy, we kill 
them.” 


The Toyman grinned from ear to ear. 

“You're fucking brilliant, Jessie. But how do we...“ 
The Doctor pressed a button under his desk. 

Jessie walked through the door, coffee in one hand. 
“Sir, | completely agree.” 

“| know, Jessie, | know. We need to make the outside 


more fresh and exciting, don’t we? 


It is unknown whether Doctor Wondertainment is an 
individual or an organization. 

“JESSIE! DON’T COME IN!” 

eeesities 

“When was the last time | had my pills?” 

“I’m not sure, sir. You’ve killed me too often.” 

“Get them for me. Please.” 

“Sir, I’m not sure that-* 

“| SAID GET ME MY FUCKING PILLS, BITCH!” 


“Yes sir. Yes sir.” 


Jessie walked through the door, coffee in one hand and 
“Doctor Wondertainment®’s Stop The Voices Pills!” in 
the other. She had tears streaming down her face. 
Bruises covered her arms and legs. Blood poured from 
the open head wound, and the gashes in her torso from 
the broken glass. The Doctor tore the coffee from her 
hands and The Toyman threw it in Jessie’s eyes and the 
coffee mixed with her tears. 


“More coffee. More coffee.” 


Jessie left the room and returned with more coffee. She 
placed The Doctor's pillbox on his desk. The pillbox 
smiled at The Doctor and squeaked in violet whispers: 


“Complementary! Please Take One!” 
The Toyman screamed. 
“YOU MISSPELT COMPLIMENTARY.” 


Doctor Wondertainment downed his pills with Jessie’s 
tears. 


The Toyman went back to sleep. 
The Doctor died a little inside. 


With Love, From Your Prodigal Son 
love ya, daddy. 


Reverse: 
dear mister doctor wondertainment. 
thank you for making so many fantastic toys. 


we love playing with them. please do not stop making 
them. 


when we grow up we want to be just like you and make 
everyone have lots of fun. 


love ruiz, pico and mister redd. 


Sub-Document: DOCWON-525276-2 

Marked A5-size Envelope, Addressed to "Messrs Ruiz, Pico and 
Redd", Unsealed (Torn). 

Inside: Folded A4-size White Paper, Front Text Printed Via Inkjet 
Printer, Reverse Blank. 


Front: 


Wondertainment Enterprises 
PO Box 3.141592 And The Rest 
Wondertainmentiand, 7 


To Ruiz and Pico: 
We're glad you like playing with Doctor 
Wondertainment™ brand toys! 


Unfortunately, the Doctor himself is busy working on his 
next 'big thing’, and can't respond to you directly. 


We'll pass on your message when he takes a break! 


Enclosed are free samples of Doctor Wondertainment's 
latest line of consumable products, Doctor 
Wondertainment's Sapient Gummy Bears™! 


Thank you for your letter! 


From The Office Of 
Doctor Wondertainment 


To Mister Redd: 
We're glad you like being a Doctor Wondertainment™ 
brand toy! 


Unfortunately, you do not have the rights to use the 
likeness of Doctor Wondertainment™ in your fictional 
works. 


If you do not cease production of these works, further 
actions will be taken. 


Thank you for your letter! 


From The Legal Department Of 
Doctor Wondertainment 


Sub-Document: DOCWON-525276-3 

Marked A5-size Envelope, Addressed to "Mister Doctor 
Wondertainment (NOT PEONS)", Unsealed. 

Inside: Crumpled A3-size White Paper, Text On Front In Black Pen, 
Text On Reverse In Red Crayon. 


Front: 


MISTER REDD'S BIG DAY 
(at the legal department) 


And Then 


Mister Redd 
Killed Them All. 


| Am Not A Toy. 
Let me meet my maker, or you'll meet yours. 


DON'T MAKE THIS NON-FICTION. 
pass it on to the man himself. 


Reverse: 
dear slaves of mister doctor wondertainment. 
thank you for your reply. 


the gummy bears were very tasty. we will buy more 
when they come out. 


please pass this letter on to mister doctor 
wondertainment. we do not want to speak to you. 


love ruiz, pico and mister redd. 


Sub-Document: DOCWON-525276-4 

Marked A5-size Envelope, Addressed to "Messrs Ruiz, Pico and 
Redd", Unsealed (Torn). 

Inside: Folded A4-size White Paper, Front Text Printed Via Inkjet 
Printer, Reverse Blank. 


Front: 


Wondertainment Enterprises 
PO Box 3.141592 And The Rest 
Wondertainmentiand, 7 


To Ruiz and Pico: 
We're glad you liked eating Doctor Wondertainment's 
Sapient Gummy Bears!™! 


Unfortunately, the Doctor himself is busy working on his 
next 'big thing’, and can't respond to you directly. 


We'll pass on your message when he takes a break! 


Enclosed are free samples of Doctor Wondertainment's 
latest line of consumable products, Doctor 
Wondertainment's Sapient Gummy Bears™! 


Thank you for your letter! 


From The Office Of 
Doctor Wondertainment 


To Mister Redd: 
We're glad you like being a Doctor Wondertainment™ 
brand toy! 


You have heavily misrepresented the public face of 
Doctor Wondertainment™ in an unauthorised fashion, 
then threatened The Legal Department of Doctor 
Wondertainment. 


This unauthorised activity with respect to the public face 


eluded all attempts at identification. Symptoms seem largely random 
on a case by case basis, but the end result is invariably death. All 
attempts at synthesizing an antidote to date have failed. Harvesting 
the poison for sampling procedures or weaponization has also 
proved unsuccessful - the poison seems to deteriorate rapidly after 
leaving its host and is all but useless by the time it reaches our labs. 
Retrieval has also proven to be invariably fatal, no matter what 
configuration of hazardous materials handling we have 
implemented. Given the loss of manpower and the extreme difficulty 
in obtaining more personnel given the range of this outpost, we 
recommend discontinuing any further testing. 


Document #722-B: 'Defensive' capabilities? 


Doctors : ; , and Agent (3-103-589) have all 
contributed the opinion that artifact SCP-722's poison is not 
defensive in nature, but intended to be used as a weapon. This 
theory has begun to circulate based on report [DATA EXPUNGED] 
regarding the incident on [DATA EXPUNGED]. Given the misting of 
the poison in the northernmost edges of the glacier, and 
posthumous examinations of the affected, it would appear that the 
artifact breathes the poison in a slightly less potent but still invariably 
fatal form. While poison as a weapon is not representative of reptiles 
in terrestrial nature, it has been noted at the request of our research 
team. 


Document #722-C, Memo: Moratorium on expeditions into the 
glacier 


All forays into the glacier are forbidden, effective immediately, 
excepting the case of emergency maintenance. Since the incident 
on [DATA EXPUNGED] SCP-722 has seen a 0.9% increase in brain 
activity. Any unauthorized personnel attempting access into the 
glacial interior are to be terminated without question, regardless of 
security clearance. Agents and non-essential personnel alike have 
been reckless in their handling of the artifact - | will take this 
opportunity to remind you that we are dealing with a matter of 
worldwide importance, as this is a Keter-level SCP. If Site 103 is to 
remain in operation, then we must maintain our vigilance of standard 
security protocols. My predecessor was removed from his position 
for a reason. Follow in his footsteps, and you will find yourselves in 


of Doctor Wondertainment™ constitutes infringement of 
Wondertainment Enterprises intellectual property rights 
and violates various defamation and vilification laws. 
Wondertainment Enterprises enforces its intellectual 
property rights very aggressively by using every legal 
option available. 


Wondertainment Enterprises demands that you 
immediately and permanently disable access to any and 
all copies of said fiction. 


Do NOT reply to this letter. 
Thank you for your cooperation! 


From The Legal Department Of 
Doctor Wondertainment 


Sub-Document: DOCWON-525276-5 

Marked A5-size Envelope, Addressed to "GIVE THIS TO DADDY", 
Unsealed. 

Inside: Crumpled A3-size White Paper, Text On Front In Blood, Text 
On Reverse In Red Crayon. 


Front: 


LET ME SPEAK TO MY MAKER 
(let me speak to my maker) 


LET ME 


SPEAK TO 
MY MAKER. 


AM | PAST MY FUCKING EXPIRY DATE? 
NO RETURNS? 


Double plus no backsies? Well just let me have a few 
moments of time with the good 'DOCTOR 


WONDERTAINMENT TM' and then I'll be out of your 
hair. 


I'm really serious, here. 


IF YOU DON'T I'LL KILL THESE KIDS. 
this was written in their blood 


Reverse: 
dear slaves of mister doctor wondertainment. 
thank you for your reply. 


please do not send more gummy bears. some of them 
made us feel sick. 


please pass this letter on to mister doctor 
wondertainment. we do NOt want to speak to you. 


love ruiz, pico and mister redd. 


Sub-Document: DOCWON-525276-6 

Marked A5-size Envelope, Addressed to "To Doctor 
Wondertainment, URGENT, PLEASE READ", Unsealed. 

Inside: Crumpled A4-size White Paper, Heavily Worn, Text On Front 
In Black Crayon, Reverse Blank. 


Front: 


Dear Doctor Wondertainment. 

My name is Ruiz. 

| do not know my last name. 

Mister Redd will not let me remember. 
| have a brother. His name is Pico. 

| am worried about Pico. 

| am worried about myself. 

Mister Redd took our parents away. 
He says he is our family now. 

| pretend to not understand. 

| pretend that | am stupid but | am not. 


| know our parents will not come back. 

He tries to make us drink things that make us strange. 

| throw it up and try to make Pico throw it up but he does 
not. 

Sometimes Mister Redd cuts us and collects the blood. 

| do not know what he does with the blood. 

Sometimes Mister Redd calls you God. 

Every night | pray to you that Mister Redd will be 
recalled. 

| do not think that you can hear prayers. 


Sub-Document: DOCWON-525276-7 

Marked A5-size Envelope, Addressed to "dear mister doctor 
wondertainment", Unsealed. 

Inside: Crumpled A4-size White Paper, Heavily Worn, Text On Front 
In Red Crayon, Reverse Blank. 


Front: 
dear mister doctor wondertainment 
thank you for making mister redd 
love pico 


« Shady Meetings | Hub | Quintessence Of Dust » 


Quintessence Of Dust 


“What a piece of work is man.” 


Ruiz stood draped in purple robes. The spotlight shone down, the 
theatre otherwise coated in black. He was wracked with Hamlet’s 
madness, profound pain etched in his face as though he had been 
visited by the devil himself. Ruiz was putting it on by the 
bucketloads, and the audience was lapping it up. 


“How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty! In form and moving, 
how express and admirable!” 


He moved to his Guildenstern and Rosencrantz, looking into their 
eyes and seeing their souls reflected in their dull, uninterested 
pupils. These men were not artists. These men did not deserve their 
names. 


“In action, how like an angel! In apprehension, how like a GOD!” 


Ruiz flung his robes open, strobe lights flashing across the stage. 
He looked upon his entranced and enraptured audience, gazing and 
gobsmacked by his display. He was entertaining them. He, Ruiz, at 
this moment, this instant, was all they lived for. 


“The beauty of the world! The paragon of animals!” 


He was all they knew. He lived inside their minds at this very 
moment. They were not seeing him as he truly was, no, they were 
seeing him as he should be, as he wanted to be seen, as what he 
wanted to be, and indeed, he thought, what he truly was. The sane 
man faking madness, in a world of madmen faking sanity. Here, 
world, is Ruiz Duchamp, the original Hamlet. 


“And yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust?” 


The lights went dark, the spotlight descended, and Ruiz was alone 


in the universe.