It appears that your computer has caught a virus of some 
variety, possibly of extra-dimensional origin, that has 
resulted in a severe case of the runs. Personally, | 
recommend that you buy yourself a new computer, but 
according to Foundation Protocol Document TD:132725- 
AYWT it is required that in the event of an extra-normal 
technical ailment or flaw, the affected machine be 
submitted to the research department for study. 
Personally, | recommend the office of Dr. Hendrickson, 
largely on account of him having consumed a sandwich 
from the break room that was quite clearly labeled as 
belonging to someone else. Make sure to sanitize your 
desk as well. 

~A. Courpse 


Note: 08-6-12 
Hey Taylor and Courpse- 


First off, congrats, hope Rosen didn't leave any land mines. What 
did happen to him anyway? But | digress... 


My problem is this-| walked away from my computer to get a drink. | 
come back, and some bastard has shoved a banana into the tower. 
Before | req a new one, is there any fix? Also, since the sniggering 
two offices down kinda hints as to who did it, best way to beat the 
crap out of somebody without it being known? -Dr. Ax 


[External Override: Meso- 
J-9099-87461530- 
SECURENETvIl] 


...Loading 

...Access granted. 

Well, you know what they say. You can't keep a good 
researcher down. Especially when you don't change the 
passwords. | mean seriously? wordpass123 is not a 
secure passcode for the primary cell bay. But | digress. 
| would recommend running fruitofthedoom.exe on any 
affected drives. That should eject any buildup of fruit 
matter from the system. As for your wiseguy co-worker, 
have you tried introducing him to my favorite fruit, a 
tomato? 

~Rosen 


Rosen, you've returned! Welcome back, your idea worked. Thanks! 
Feel bad for the janitor assigned to cleanup though.... -Dr. Ax 


Note: 08-08-12 

I'm petitioning to organize an on-site Bring Your Kids to Work Day. 
Does the security software attached to the server allow for the 
installation of additional programs across the board? - Junior Rsr. 
Walsh 


Okay, | have no idea about the security thing, but you 
want to take your kids to work? A place where the 
smallest twitch of the smallest muscle can result in 
multiple fatalities, adult and children? Not to mention the 
possibility of one of them wandering their way into a 
terrible, terrible place that could mentally scar them for 
however many lives they could go through with the 
knowledge of the evil we contain? 

Where do | sign? 

-Dr. Taylor 


Note: 08-09-12 

Say, I'm sending a couple of the robotic speedboats with grabber 
arms into the Danube delta to catch something that seems to cause 
death to everyone within 40 metres of it. My postdoc is an serious 
gamer - can we hook up the robots to a PS3 controller to make 
chasing it while firing tranquilizer darts easier? -Dr. Gallow 


| tried to do that, but it seems that nothing worked. So | 


picked up some random junk from Rosen's personal stuff 
and hit it with a hammer until the wires went in. That 
didn't work either, but | did find an RC remote controller. 
Do what you can with it. Hopefully, Rosen won't miss 
those things | hit with a hammer; that being all of them. 
— -Dr. Taylor— Worlds worst assistant. 


| hate you so much right now Taylor. 
~Rosen 


Note:08-10-12 

Dammit, since when do security bots know how to use Wii remotes? 
And since when do said remotes move junior researchers? I've been 
ducking under the nuts all day! -Dr. Ax 


It appears that some of Dr. Taylor's.... creations have 
spread outside of tech. Not to worry, because my crack 
team of Whacknicians™ are busy deploying highly 
sophisticated and not at all mallet related decommissions 
on all rogue equipment. If you manage to survive an 
encounter with a rogue machine, please contact your 
local technical support officer. 

~Rosen 


Note:10-1-12 

Dear Rosen, My I-Phone was infected with some kind of bug, and 
now it won't stop buzzing around my office, please tell me what to 
do. -Researcher Quandary 


Your phone appears to have been set to the "vibrate" 
function. The buzzing sound was somebody attempting 
to contact you. | have since changed your ringtone and 
all of the alert tones to some nice ska. You can thank me 
later. 

~Rosen 


Note:10-2-12 

Hey Rosen, I'm having a bit of a problem with the computer in my 
office. Over the past few days, I've been hearing a "tink-ing" sound 
coming from somewhere. | got back from lunch today, and | could 
have sworn the pointer was tapping against the screen. It looks like 


there's a tiny crack in the corner where it was doing this. Not quite 
sure what I'm dealing with here. -Agent Ferrus 


YOUR COMPUTER HAS A VIRUS MADE BY ZOMBIES 
THAT TURNS PEOPLE WHO STARE AT IT TOO LONG 
INTO ZOMBIES SO YOU HAVE TO DESTROY THE 
COMPUTER AND ANY ZOMBIES ITS MADE BEFORE 
ITS TOO LATE. | WOULD SUGGEST USING DUCK 
TAPE ON AN KYAAK THING AND SOME CAINSAWS 
LIKE IN DEAD RISING TOO AND USING IT TO KILL 
THE ZOMBIES BEACUSE THAT WOULD BE 
AWESUM. 

~ASSISTANT TECHNICAL RESEARCHER JAMES, 
AGE 8. 


Note: 10/11/12 

Mr. Rosen, | was recently diagnosed with explosive carpal tunnel 
syndrome (long story involving a body-mod SCP) and would 
appreciate it if | could get an ergonomic keyboard and mouse. After 
the last 2 times my hands were blown off by micro-explosions in my 
wrists, the Medical Department says they won't re-attach them 
again. - Prof. Bjornsen 


Certainly. I've spoken to the boys downstairs, and we've 
come up with the perfect solution. This keyboard is so 
tough, that even if your wrists were blown to smithereens 
only inches away from the QWERTY, it wouldn't even 
have a scratch. Also, we've used the same technology 
we use to clean up after those messy SCP's to make it 
chunk-proof, so when your hands go flying due to a 
premature detonation, you can be satisfied with the 
knowledge that your keyboard will still be able to 
function. 

~Rosen 


Note: 11/19/12 
Dear Rosen, 


It hurts when I pee. Not quite sure what I'm dealing with here. -Agent 
Convit 


| will write in Greek, so that any learned man who finds 
this place will understand. | am the last of the Keepers, 
and | will be dead soon. The sands are taking this place, 
and perhaps it is for the best. The prisoner must not 
escape, and the gateway to the dark must never be 
opened. | do not think the gate can be moved, but who 
knows of the prisoner? Not even the Gods could kill it, 
and it was only with their help that he was secured. 
Without the rituals, | do not know. Secure the door the 
best you can, and never move the stone. 


« SCP-556 | SCP-557 | SCP-558 » 


That's what you get for dryhumping Herpesbot. 
~Rosen 


Note: 12/07/12 

My computer keeps flashing white every two minus, and opening 
random tabs. | don't know what's going on, but it seems to be 
causing weird edits to any report I'm typing up at the time. The text 
changes color, font and size, and what's worse, my Britishisms keep 
being changed to Americanisms. -Researcher Lloyd 


The software error you are experiencing is called 
“autocorrect." Common symptoms of this error include 
colored fonts, sudden insertion of line breaks into 
paragraphs, and replacement of stupid words like "lorry" 
or "colour." 

~Rosen 


Note: 12/12/12 
Rosen, can you please explain to me why all my image files were 
swapped with pictures of SCP-050. -Doctor Agent Quandary 


...Doctor Agent? What is... | don't even... 050... What!? 
~Rosen 


Note: 12/16/12 

Someone rigged my computer to fire out Albacore every time | open 
up the CD tray, and changed my registered name on my personnel 
file without authorization. This is getting kind of ridiculous. - Dr. Tuna 
M. Tuna 


Man, why are you complaining? I've had your computer 
sitting here in the shop for about a week, and this shit is 
delicious! How could anyone be unhappy with infinite 
free food? I'd change my name to Tuna for a feast like 
this. 

~Rosen 


Note: 2/20/13 
Someone deleted my digital copy of Henry Darger's "Vivian Girls". | 
don't think | have to tell you what sort of shit | had to go through to 


get a book this rare on my computer, and | wasn't even a quarter of 
the way done with it! Can it be retrieved? -Dr. Pickman 


... If it's a digital copy, why would it be all that difficult to 
get a new copy? Do you know how digital copies work? 
They don't stuff every page of the manuscript in your 
hard drive, it's actually a reproduction. Believe it or not, 
you can just get another copy. 

~Rosen 


Note: 02/21/13 
Dear Rosen, 


| just need some help with my cat. 
- Agent Fredricks 
Dear Agent Agent Fredricks, 


| hate you so much | wish | could hate you to death. 
~Rosen 


Note: 06/29/13 
Rosen, 


There's over four months of backlog on the T.I. page. | don't know 
where all the questions went, but I've asked you about the wireless 
internet connection at least eight times. | just now, accidentally, 
found out | had to press the F9 button with the beacon-tower on it to 
turn the router on, and would like some answers. What the Hell, 
man? 


Agent Cain 


Did you really go and try to post stuff on the old Tech 
page? Dude, | don't even know how you accessed that 
page, it bit the dust a loooong time ago. I'm not sure 
whether | should be laughing or impressed. 


~Rosen 


Note: 07/2/13 


Hey Rosen, 


My DVR has a flash port, and | don't know what it's for. | plugged my 
[Pod into it once to charge it, and it did, but now it won't charge from 
it. Is it actually for anything? 


Doctor Phirun 


Sounds like you've drawn it's ire, by just jamming your 
crap into its proprietary port. I'd be extra nice to it over 
the next few days, lest it try to replace your favorite 
recordings with episodes of Honey Boo-Boo. 


~Rosen 


Note: 12/28/13 
Thick black smoke is pouring out of my PC disk drive. Help. 


Professor Kilofski 


Note: 01/17/14 
Dear Rosen. 
The toilet is clogged again and the pump didn't work. What do? 


Agent Riley 


Have either of you tried rebooting? 
~Rosen 


Note: 01/24/14 
Turns out the smoke wasn't actually smoke, It was just a opaque 
black acidic gas. | think | might need a new PC, also some new skin. 


Professor Kilofski 


Talk to Medical about that. I'm sure that Dr. Mann will 
receive you readily. 


~Rosen 


Note: 02/14/14 
So there wasn't anything wrong with my PC, it was working fine. | 


was curious So opened it up to have a look and man was it messy. 
Cables everywhere! | just decided to plug them in wherever | could. 
Turned it back on and there was a pop and nothing. Think it was 
something | did? 


Sgt. Watson 


Don't worry, I've sent a nice new box with no wires at all. 
It makes six sounds when you push the buttons, and 
smells like fresh boysenberries. If you shake it enough, it 
makes a giggle sound! 

~Rosen 


Note: 02/20/14 
All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction. 
You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha ha. 


CATS 


If you're cats, why is the typing legible and not a fewfs 
string of ranfdadasom typo-riddled madness? You're 
clearkfdjsfdsfds fds rt43y56y 6f r4h87k690[- and that's no 
good. 


Your move, "cats". 
~Rosen 


Note: 02/20/14 

How do you debug a particle accelerator? Does this answer change 
if the particle accelerator is being consumed by flames? | really need 
to know within the next five minutes. 


Researcher Vernier 


Have you tried rebooting? 
~Rosen 


Note: 02/22/14 
My computer keeps rebooting itself about every 10 minutes. How do 
| make it stop? 


Research Assistant Alfred 


Have you tried particle accelerating? 
~Rosen 


Note: 03/6/14 

Rosen, | think my keyboard is broken. No matter how intellectual 
and knowledgeable my documents are, they always look like some 6 
year old wrote them. It's definitely not my fault. 


- Dr. Ryuta 


Wel, iv ben usin da kayburd, an i haff to sai dat dis 
poroblom sems t beh al in your hed. i hav sined yew up 
four typin skool. 

~rosen 


Note: 4/1/14 

| accidentally downloaded the consciousnesses of an angry twelve 
year old Mongolian off of the black market. Is there any way to get 
rid of him? -Assistant Researcher Devereaux 


That's not anything you downloaded, that's called 
"Clippy". Unfortunately, he cannot be stopped. He is 
eternal. 

~Rosen 


Note: 22/7/14 
Some "CATS" just sent me a threatening letter, something about 
bases or something, should | be worried.;;' 


- Dr. Cooke 


Note to site personnel: Please, do not send me reports if 
you get a problem such as "weird e-mail" or "my 
computer smells funny”. It's a waste of time for both me 
and my staff to remove these problems, as they are 
outside our sphere of influence. Also, circulating old 
internet jokes through official Foundation intranet is not a 
good use of your time, people. 


~Rosen 


Note: 08/19/14 


| recently lost a SanDisk 64MB SD card marked "Not Important." | 
reported it to Lost and Found but in the meantime, is there any way 
to delete its contents remotely? | mean like, right now, please. 


- Researcher Myrrh 


I've managed to access the "Not Important" card 
remotely from the "That Sounds Like A Personal 
Problem" server, and I've remotely moved your files to 
the "You're On Your Own, Chump" database. Hope that 
solves the issue. 


~Rosen 


Note: 08/23/14 

Terribly sorry to bother you all, but | just have a quick question. For 
the latest while, I've been accepting the push of patches from you 
guys, because | know that you have the interest of your 
computersthe Foundation at heart. Recently, however, | was pushed 
something of an odd update for Adobe Flash by an unknown source, 
which initially appeared to come from a Foundation-verified source, 
but was interspersed with claims of apocalyptic prophesy, dead 
baby jokes, chocolate cream pie, mutilated animals, and images of 
what | can only imagine to be SCP-682 in mating season. 


Ordinarily, | wouldn't blink twice at this, but because this is 
originating from a side of the Foundation which tends to eschew 
such pranks, I'm mailing you to verify if this is in fact a legitimate 
patch. If not, should | merely attempt to delete the patch on my own 
and begin work on antiviral procedures in the field, or should | close 
the laptop, disconnect the battery, and leave it unpowered until | can 
send it in? 


Sincerely, Agent Schism 


Oooh, sorry, that patch was for the Delta-T Temporal 
Anomaly department, for their Scantron Realty what- 
have-you things. I've sent the proper patch to the 
affected computers. Anyone who already downloaded 
the patch should consult an alchemist. Or something. 


~Rosen 


Note: 09/3/14 
Rosen, for some reason all the computers on Floor 21 have been 
set to run MS-DOS. How exactly do | change it back? 


- Junior Research Assistant Prop 


Floor 21 is for waste disposal, and those computers were 
around before you were born, | think. If you've been 
working there, you've probably become a victim of a 
practical joke. Probably from Agent Convit. That guy's a 
bum. 


~Rosen 


Note: 29/01/78 

Rosenberg, some guy got the bright idea to program the recent hit 
"Stayin Alive" into my personal Apple II, bought a couple months 
ago. While | love that song, | couldn't work under those conditions, 
and it got rather old. Now, purely hypothetically, there may be a hoof 
sized hole in my monitor. Help, what do | do? 


-A Research Assistant 


P.S. tips on how to get glass shards out of my arm, wing and... erm, 
genitals would be nice. 


1. Buy a new monitor. 

2. Mute the computer. 

3. Report to medical staff. 

4. Explain why you have wings. 

5. And while your at it why is this from '78 
6. Don't kick the monitor. 

~Also a research assistant 


Note: 00/00/00