Personnel Name/Dept: Agent Gummy_Dragon 
Description: Maenad Roach loves to party. Its anomaly 
manifests in its ability to ingest large amounts of alcohol 
and its 'rage' state. When in a rage state, Maenad roach 
should not be approached, and the surrounding area 
quarantined. Firearms, though ineffective, have been 
used to deter Maenad Roach. 


Maenad Roach Intake Log Interview 


Agent Gummy_Dragon: Don't you think 
you've had too much to drink? 


Maenad Roach: Who do you think you are, 
mortal! 


Agent Gummy_Dragon: This isn't healthy for 
you. You get drunk and smash stuff. How is 


this fulfilling? 
Maenad Roach: Die, unbeliever! 


Dr. Name: Maenad Roach, NO! 


Show Roach Logs, Encounters 31 - 40 


Encounter #: 31 

Roach Instance: M.A.D. roach 

Personnel Name/Dept: Jamie Fields, Behavior 
Management Specialist 

Description: M.A.D. roach relies on Mutually Assured 
Destruction, a defense strategy in which the threat of 
excessively dangerous weaponry prevents enemies from 
using the same weaponry. 


M.A.D. Roach Intake Log Interview 


Fields: Look, neither of us has any incentive 
to initiate conflict, or to disarm - we can only 
keep refining our defenses, but that will 
eventually break our equilibrium anyway... 


M.A.D. Roach: [continues escalation] 


Fields: If we appeal to our larger community to 
set up rewards for accountability and 
cooperation, we could create incentives for 
ourselves to pursue disarmament actively- 


M.A.D. Roach: [continues escalation] 


Fields: M.A.D. Roach, no! 


Encounter #: 32 

Roach Instance: Ocathailidrimithriad Roach 

Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Graham 

Description: What the fuck is this? How do | pronounce 
this? Is it, like, memetic, or something? 


[UNIDENTIFIED SCRIPT - UNABLE TO 
TRANSLATE] Roach Intake Log Interview 


Dr. Graham: Hello, Ocatha... Ocathali... li... 


Ocathailidrimithriad Roach: [Pronounces it 
correctly.] 


Dr. Graham: Yeah, whatever. That's not even 
a real word. What does that mean? 


Ocathailidrimithriad Roach: [Shrugs, it 
thought it sounded cool.] 


Dr. Graham: Oca... ca... Ocath— fucking, 
Roach, NO! 


Encounter #: 33 

Roach Instance: Unclad Roach 

Personnel Name/Dept: Researcher M. Inselmann 
Description: Unclad Roach does not possess an 
exoskeleton, and is therefor scandalously naked. 


Unclad Roach Intake Log Interview 


Researcher Inselmann: How did you come to 
be anomalously nude? Would you like a 
sweater? You look cold. 


Unclad Roach: Skitters about table in a 
shameless fashion 


Researcher Inselmann: ...This is rather 
upsetting. Put on pants, and we'll continue the 
interview. 


Unclad Roach: Preens and poses in its 
birthday suit. 


Dr. Name: Unclad Roach, no! Pants! Argh, my 
eyes! 


Encounter #: 34 

Roach Instance: Plagiarism Roach 

Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Graham 

Description: Plagiarism Roach is an anomaly of its kind 
for obvious reasons. The object is considered an 
Apollyon-level threat. 


Plagiarism Roach Intake Log Interview 


Dr. Graham: Hello— wait, your name doesn't 
end with an "ad"! 


Plagiarism Roach: No shit, Sherlock. 
Dr. Graham: What kind of gig is this? 


Plagiarism Roach: It's in the name, bud. | 
saw that Unique and Rebel Roach had a thing 
going on, and they were ripping off each other, 
so | might as well jump on the bandwagon. 


Dr. Graham: Plagiarism Roach, NO! 


Encounter #: 35 
Roach Instance: Collab Roach 
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Graham 


SUBS SPECIAL!!!!1 !!!onel!!!!) 
Collab Roach Intake Log Interview 
Dr. Graham: Hello Collab R— who's this? 


Collab Roach: Hey Graham! It's me, Collab 
Roach, here with another video. Make sure to 
click that like and subscribe button! Today, I'm 
here with SCP-3035-190! 


Dr. Graham: Woah woah WOAH WOAH 
WOAH WAIT HOLD ON A SEC— 


SCP-3035-190: [Proceeds to transform into an 
AK-47 and fire at Dr. Graham. Dr. Graham 
manages to dive behind his desk. ] 


Dr. Graham: COLLAB ROACH, NO! YOU'RE 
WORSE THAN OCA— OCATH— FUCK, 
THAT OTHER ONE! 


Encounter #: 36 

Roach Instance: Ersatz Roach 

Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Inselmann 

Description: Several deviations from SCP-723-J norms 
have been noted. Firstly, 'Ersatz' doesn't rhyme with 
‘sad.’ But that appears to be a thing we're only marginally 
doing, anymore, so meh. Also, roach appears to be a 
ladybug, made to resemble a cockroach with a layer of 
paint. 


Collab Roach Intake Log Interview 


Dr. Inselmann: Hello, Ersatz Roach. 
Comfortable? Would you like a cup of coffee? 
No? How are the kids? Great, great. Well, now 
that I've got you here, J'accuse! 


Ersatz Roach: (Chitters softly. Eats an aphid. 
Urinates.) 


Dr. Inselmann: You are no roach! You are an 
accursed beast of the Coccinellidae! You are 
full of lies, sir! Lies and aphids! 


Ersatz Roach: (Dies of paint toxicity). 


Dr. Inselmann: Ersatz Roach, nooo! Oh, what 
have | done! | repent! Take me instead, oh 
Lord! Ersatz Rooooaaach! (weeps 
inconsolably). 


Encounter #: 37 

Roach Instance: Fad Roach 

Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Etra 

Description: Appears to be completely taken up with 
current social media trends. Fad Roach only appears to 
adopt them when they become aware of the trend 


Collab Roach Intake Log Interview 
Dr. Etra: Fad Roach, what are you doing? 
Who gave you that phone? 


Fad Roach: [Attempts to dab with tiny 
cockroach front legs] 


Dr. Etra: [Sighing] Fad Roach, you know you 
don't have to copy everyone online, right? 
Hang on, what are you- 


Fad Roach: [Bites into detergent capsule, 
getting covered in its contents] 


Dr. Etra: FAD ROACH, NO! 


Encounter #: 38 

Roach Instance: iPad Roach 

Personnel Name/Dept: Agent Gummy_Dragon 
Description: Not actually a cockroach, but a tablet that 
exerts a memetic effect, deluding observers into 
believing that it is a roach. 


Roach Name Intake Log Interview 


Agent Gummy_Dragon: How is life in 
containment, little guy? 


iPad Roach: ... 


Agent Gummy_Dragon: How about we meet 
some of the other roaches, huh? 


iPad Roach: (Vibrates, falling off table on to 


Gummy_Dragon's foot) 


Agent Gummy_Dragon: iPad roach, no! 


Encounter #: 39 

Roach Instance: NATO Roach 

Personnel Name/Dept: Researcher Inselmann 
Description: Entity has maintained a defensive posture 
against Comrade Roach from across their respective 
holding tanks for a number of years. Involvement of 
M.A.D. Roach cannot be ruled out. 


NATO Roach Intake Log Interview 


Researcher Inselmann: Do you truly believe 
that Comrade Roach poses such an existential 
threat, NATO Roach? 


NATO Roach: (Skitters. Peers suspiciously at 
Comrade Roach) 


Comrade Roach: (Is approached by Ad 
Roach; metamorphoses into the dastardly Vlad 
Roach). 


NATO Roach: (Shrugs and skitters away) 


Vlad Roach: (Takes of shirt and rides 
centipede; cackles maniacally) 


Researcher Inselmann: Various international 
roaches, no! 


SCP-005-J-EX: "No, because she thinks he's talking 
about the..." 


Item #: SCP-005-J-EX 
Object Class: Keter Explained 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-005-J-EX now appears to 
arise spontaneously in approximately 15% of all humans, and is no 
longer considered anomalous. Nevertheless, as a training exercise 
(and as a public service) Mobile Task Force Gamma-5 ("Red 
Herrings") are currently attempting to generate a counter-meme: 
that SCP-005-J-EX is "really annoying" and should be suppressed. 
No other containment procedures appear possible. MTF Gamma-5 
personnel are required to perform an Allen-Pryor test at least once 
per month to ensure contagion has not occurred. 


Description: SCP-005-J-EX is a cognitohazardous meme. It 
consists of the idea that a joke or humorous anecdote will remain 
funny once it has been explained. When instances of SCP-005-J-EX 
arise, all remnants of humour in the relevant joke are completely 
[DATA EXPUNGED]. 


The following are extracts from the testing logs for Class D 
personnel testing positive for SCP-005-J-EX: 


D-4698: You heard me say it was a duck? Because that 
way... 


D-2663: Get it? It sounds like you're crying - boo hoo. 
Boo hoo? So then | say... 


D-7984: No? You know that people from are all 
really stupid, right? Okay, so the third guy thinks... 


D-9909: ...| guess you just had to be there. But 
remember that Mike is a big guy... 


D-2348: It's kind of an anti-joke. It's playing with the 
expectation of a punchline by giving the most banal 
motivation the chicken could have. 


D-1003: Just a pun on "explained", really. Not much 
more to it than that. 


placed under lockdown, while the tongue protruding from SCP-550 
had begun slathering the entirety of its containment cell. 2 minutes 
and 14 seconds had passed before the tongue withdrew into 
SCP-550. An amount of black, viscous saliva containing various 
amounts of organic material from all previously consumed corpses 
was left on containment chamber walls, along with what appeared to 
be an intact traditional black Zulu dress. 1 


Shortly after Incident 550-T1, the tongue belonging to SCP-550 has 
been recorded to randomly protrude from SCP-550's chest cavity for 
several seconds. SCP-550 has resorted to remaining in a fetal 
position, presumably to prevent an event similar to the recent 
incident. No further deviations in behavior have been noted; 
containment procedures are currently being updated. 


Footnotes 

1. Thorough analysis of this material revealed significant titres of a 
heavily modified variant strain ofSCP-742. Additional analysis of 
genetic material, including the accompanying viral particles, showed 
significant splicing and incorporation of functional genes from a 
variety of plants, and several scavenger species, aligning with 
genetic analysis of recovered samples ofSCP-3140. 


« SCP-549 | SCP-550 | SCP-551 » 


SCP-013-J: The Cuttlefish of Ultimate Wisdom 


Item #: SCP-013-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: The Northern region of the 
Forest of , where SCP-013-J is known to manifest, has been 
registered as a protected wildlife preserve, and fenced off and 
labelled accordingly. Foundation agents posing as forest rangers are 
on hand to deter trespassers. A platform, equipped with recording 
and transmitting equipment is in place, directly overlooking the 
space SCP-013-J occupies when manifested. 


SCP-013-J is to be approached by a Foundation field agent on a 
weekly basis, and the exchange is to be remotely observed and 
directed by at least one member of the 05 Council. Unless 
contradicted by the 05 Council member(s) in question, all of 
SCP-013-J's demands and suggestions are to be met as soon as 
possible. 


Description: SCP-013-J is an instance of Sepia officinalis (common 
cuttlefish). Unlike its non-anomalous counterparts, SCP-013-J is 
seventeen meters in length, hovers in the air, while moving as an 
instance would while underwater, and speaks with a loud, high- 
pitched, echoing voice by unknown means, in addition, a bright, 
golden light radiates, seemingly from within SCP-013-J. 


SCP-013-J regularly refers to itself as "The Cuttlefish of Ultimate 
Wisdom", and requires others to, before it will interact with them. 
SCP-013-J claims to be sensitive to future events, and will share 
possible means of preventing upcoming disasters, while often 
refusing to relinquish details of the disasters themselves. 


SCP-013-J speaks with an overly-dramatic voice and often utilizes 
alternations in volume, pauses and extended vowel sounds for 
dramatic emphasis. Foundation staff who have been deemed quick 


to anger are not to approach SCP-013-J. 
Below are the most recent recorded interactions with SCP-013-u. 
SCP-013-J Incident 1739B 


Date: / / 
Agent Archer: SCP-013... 


SCP-013-J: The Cuttlefish of ULTIMATE 
wisdom! 


Agent Archer: Cuttlefish... of Ultimate 
Wisdom... 


SCP-013-J: Speak, mortal! 


Agent Archer: I've come to ask if you have 
any information regarding potential disasters in 
the future. 


SCP-013-J: Be warned! Be waaarned! Heed 
the Cuttlefish of Ultimate Wisdom! Disaster 
loooooms! Unless the president of 

makes tomorrow's commute on a pogo stick, 
society shall fall! Death shall hail from the sky! 
DEATH! 


Agent Archer: A... a pogo stick? 


SCP-013-J: A POGO STICK! (A bolt of 
lightning strikes in the distance) 


Agent Archer: Is there any... other way we 
can... 


SCP-013-J: THE CUTTLEFISH HAS 
SPOKEN! 


(SCP-013-J dematerializes with a bright flash 
of light) 


Outcome: A social media campaign was 
launched, detailing how President 

would be travelling to work on a pogo stick to 
raise awareness of depression. The president 
himself was compelled to comply with 
SCP-013-J's demand by the use of drug- 
induced hypnosis. During the president's 
commute, a multi-car collision claimed the 
lives of of 's citizens. It was calculated 
that the president would also have been 
affected by the incident. It is unknown if 
SCP-013-J knew the exact nature of the 
incident, and could have easily provided a less 
conspicuous deterrent. 


SCP-013-J Incident 1740B 
Date: / / 
SCP-013-J: Step forwards Timothy! 
Agent Black: My name is Lesley... 
SCP-013-J: What can the Cuttlefish of 
UUULTIMATE WIIIISDOM assist you with on 


this fine evening? 


Agent Black: It's... 11AM, but anyway, I've 
come for a report on future events. 


SCP-013-J: DEEEAAATH! 


Agent Black: (After waiting several seconds 
for SCP-013-J to continue) Erm... 


SCP-013-J: DEATH RACES FOR US IN 
ATTRACTIVE YET FUNCTIONAL 


FOOTWEAR! And unless Foundation 
Commander greets all whom she 
interacts with, with her warmest of hugs, IT 
SHALL COME FOR HER! 


Agent Black: Yeah... I've met Commander 

, | think in her entire life, she's gouged 
more people's eyeballs out with her bare 
hands, than hugged... 


SCP-013-J: Hugs are all that will soare her 
soul! 


Agent Black: Really? It has to be hugs? 
Because after last time, it seems like... 


SCP-013-J: HUUU... (SCP-013-J continues to 
make a "U" sound, getting steadily quieter as it 
fades from sight, completing the word "hugs" 
seconds after disappearing entirely.) 


Outcome: At the express order of three 05 
Council Members, Commander agreed to 
take the measures SCP-013-J recommended, 
to prevent her imminent death. Five days after 
SCP-013-J's prediction, Commander was 
deploying a squadron of agents to contain 
SCP-_ , by reluctantly hugging each of them 
in turn, when one agent tearfully conceded 
how much he had needed a hug. The agent 
went on to confess to being an undercover 
agent of the Chaos Insurgency, and had been 
instructed to sabotage the mission, taking the 
lives of all agents present, including 
Commander . Moved by Commander 

's display of affection, the Agent vowed to 
reconsider his life choices. Commander 
responded by executing him where he stood. 


SCP-013-J Incident 1741B 


Date: / / 
Agent Harris: Cuttlefish of... 


SCP-013-J: BEHOLD, FROM ABOVE! (A 
beam of golden light descends from above the 
space directly between SCP-013-J and Agent 
Harris, and a three-layer, Victoria Soonge 
Cake on a plate slowly descends to the 
platform.) 


Agent Harris: It's... a cake. 


SCP-013-J: The fondest of wishes for your 
birthday, Agent Patsy! 


Agent Harris: My... birthday is in July... also 
it's Harris. 

SCP-013-J: And yet in my home dimension, 
precisely three years and four hours have 
passed since the moment of your birth! 


Agent Harris: Huh... how about that? | 
actually needed to ask you about future... 


SCP-013-J: FEAST ON CAKE OR DOOM 
SHALL COME FOR US ALL! 


Agent Harris: Wait, seriously? The cake is the 
thing? 


SCP-013-J: CONSUUUME THE CAKE! 


(At the approval of the monitoring 05 Council 
member, Agent Harris begins eating the cake.) 


Agent Harris: (Repulsed) Oh god! It tastes 
like fish! 


SCP-013-J: FISH IS AN INVALUABLE 
SOURCE OF PROTEIN AND OMEGA-3! 


Agent Harris: THERE'S WHIPPED CREAM 
ON IT! 


SCP-013-J: EVERYTHING IS BETTER WITH 
WHIPPED CREAM!