SCP-682: | hope they find... their severance... suitable. 


Audio Ends 


SCP-420-J: The Best in the World 


Item #: SCP-420-J 
Object Class: Awesome! 


Hey man, that’s not a real class! You gotta make it Safe or 
somethin’. —Dr. M 


Oh yeah, you're right, man, it’s totally safe. —Dr. C 
Object Class: Awesome! Totally Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: We keep it down in Room _ in 
the basement of Building at Site- . The password is 


What are you doin’, man? You can’t just tell everyone where we 
keep the _ , ‘cos then everyone’s gonna wanna come and get 
some. —Dr. M 


Hey, youcantsay  inthearticles,man.Oh.Oh .—Dr.C 


Description: OK, so | got this stuff when we were down in Jamaica, 
really strong stuff, with lotsa blue and red mixed init... good , 
man. Me andM __, we were smokin’ that stuff down there, with 

and Skinny ,whenM = says, he says to me, “Hey, man, we 
should take this stuff back and send it through... that... machine 
thing that changes things and makes things better.” And | said that 
was an excellent idea, and so we did. 


Man, we tried it on Very Fine first, and whoa, we were laughin' for 
weeks. Sucks what happened to . Still funny as __, though. 
—Dr. M 


So we get this really great out of the machine, and me and M 
try it out, and we're like, whoa, man, that is some excellent. But 
then we used it all up and didn’t have anything left but the seeds, 
and we figured we couldn't just get rid of them, so we decided to 


plant them and grow them, and then M __ was like, “Hey, man, what 
about that dirt that makes — grow real fast?” And | said that was an 
excellent idea, so we went and got some dirt, and planted the seeds 
in it, and oh wow, man, that is some excellent 


Experiment Log 
Test One 


We should give some of this _ to that... big lizard... 
thing. It'll totally mellow him. —Dr. C 


Yeah, man, but what if he gets the munchies? —Dr. M 
Test Two 


Man, | gave some of this to Josie, and she chased 
her tail for, like, two hours. —Dr. C 


Note: Animal testing of SCP-420-J is no longer allowed. Junior 
researcher R has been identified in security footage, fleeing Site- 

in a stolen maintenance vehicle with an SCP-420-J affected 
canine. Further research pending. 


-Director Jones 


Test Three 
We should totally give some of this _ to Iris, man! —Dr. 
C 
Man, quit tryin' to get laid with that !—Dr.M 

Test Four 


Oh, man, let's give some of this to oh what's his 
face... that kickass guy. —Dr. C 


How i*#$@%l say, gentlemen, your SCP-420-J certainly 
causes one to experience the most extraordinary of 
sensations. This, sirs, is indeed quite excellent .@&$ 


%%do that? —Dr. M 
Test Five 


Hey, man, what if we gave some of this _ to that freaky 
statue thing? —Dr. C 


Why, man? He's, like, already stoned. —Dr. M 


Disciplinary Review 


Upon discovery of this extremely unprofessional behavior, all 
remaining samples of SCP-420-J have been confiscated. 


- Dr. Clef 


Addendum 


Can anyone tell me why Dr. Clef just walked in here demanding stir- 
fried noodles, pizza, corn chips, and dark chocolate? He was smiling 
too, what the fuck? 


- Cafeteria Staff 


Addendum 2 

Aw, _, man, he even took the stash of seeds inmy  .—Dr.C 
‘Salright, man, |knowaguyinT  .—Dr.M 

Addendum 3 


Where can! score some of this ?—Dr. Fredericks 


Addendum 4 


See also Extended SCP-420-J Experiment Log. 


Extended SCP-420-J Experiment Log 


Yeah, so, remember a while back when me and M__, we got hold of 
that excellent , and we were like, whoa, holy __, that is excellent, 
and then we shared some of the wehad? Well, M _ 's like, dude, 
we should do that again, and I'm like, yeah, man, we totally should, 
and so we did. 


Test One 

Hey man, you already used that one in the last thing! —Dr. M 
Oh yeah. Hold on, lemme count.... —Dr. C 

Test One Test A Billion 

What the... man, you can't count that high! Fix that !—Dr.M 
Test One Test A Billion 


Hey man, | gave some of this _ to that dude with the 
arm. —Dr. M 


Did he like it, man? —Dr. C 

| think so, man, he gave me a thumb's up. —Dr. M 
Transcript SCP-1193-2-WDY-4: 

<Begin Recording, 04/01/2016, 10:26 AM> 


Dr. Ernest: Hello, who is calling please? 
SCP-1193-01: Duuuuude! 

Dr. Ernest: I'm sorry? 

SCP-1193-01: Oh my god, man, it's just... duuuuuude! 
Dr. Ernest: I'm sorry, | don't understand. What are you 
talking about? 


SCP-1193-01: Dude, this is excellent, man! 

Dr. Ernest: What's, um, this you're talking about? 
SCP-1193-01: Oh, __, sorry man, gotta go, Dave's here. 
CALL TERMINATED 


<End Recording> 


Test B 


|! gave some of this _ to those hot catgirl chicks, man! 
—Dr.C 


| told you, man, quit tryin' to get laid with that ! 
Besides, man, they can totally kick your ass all the way 
back to LA!—Dr.M 


| know, man, they totally did. Totally worth it, though, 
man. These chicks really know how to get spaced out! — 
Dr. C 


Test C 
What if we give some of this _ to that dude who doesn't 
like anybody? Maybe it'll mellow him out some. —Dr. 


M 


GO AWAY, MONKEY MAN, YOU DON'T DESERVE 
THIS =—SCP-1171-1 


Dude, that —worked!—Dr. C 


Test D 


Hey man, what happened when you gave that _ to that 
basketball game? —Dr. M 


Oh wow, man, it turned into a Dead show! —Dr. C 


Aw, yeah, man, was Jerry there? —Dr. M 


Yeah, man, he looked pretty good too, for, you know, 
bein' dead and all. —Dr. C 


Test E 
Hey man, let's give some of this _ to that weird clown 
guy. —Dr. C 
| dunno, man, clowns are some scary .—Dr.M 


Don't worry, man, it'll be cool. —Dr. C 


Incident CN-0993-Q: On 04/08/16, a new episode of "Bobble the 
Clown" was intercepted. 

Episode Name: "Bobble Gets Baked" 

Episode Description: The episode begins with Bobble the Clown 
sitting on a couch smoking a comically-oversized marijuana 
cigarette. Instead of the typical clown outfit, Bobble is wearing a Bob 
Marley t-shirt, a gray hoodie, and pajama bottoms decorated with 
marijuana leaves. The rest of Bobble's costume— hat, wig, makeup, 
nose, gloves, and shoes— are as typical. The episode is divided into 
three segments: "How To Roll the Perfect Doobie", "How To Make a 
Bong Out of Found Materials", and "How To Take Over the Regional 
Black Market Drug Trade With Ruthless Efficiency”. The last 
segment is by far the longest, and ends with a six-plus-minute 
montage of Bobble the Clown gunning down drug rivals using a wide 
variety of powerful firearms. 


| told you clowns are scaryas !—Dr.M 
Yeah, man, totally. But that clown knows his — . —Dr. 
C 

Test F 


Man, | tried to give some of this __ to that old dude who 
keeps gettin' cut up, but he just said No. —Dr. M 


Test G 


Hey man, we should give some of this __ to that guy... 
oh what's his name... ? Oh yeah, Spanky! —Dr. M 


Incident DK-2337-48L: On 04/17/16, at 23:35, an excessive 
auditory event occurred in Interview Room 19 at Site-17. Sound 
pressure measurements estimate loudness in excess of 120 dB 
within ten meters of Interview Room 19, setting off seismic detectors 
around the site. Witnesses describe the sound as "like a hacking 
cough, except cacking". 


Dude. Cack, man. Just... cack. —Dr. M 


Whoa. That's some deep, man. —Dr. C 


Test H 


Yeah man, so | was looking for a place to light up, 
without any people around, so | went out on this 
staircase, and It looked all right, quiet, no one around... 
but then all this freaky — started happenin’, and | got out 
of there, man, but | must have dropped my joint back 
there somewhere. | just lost my _, man. —Dr. C 


Image Captured 04/22/2016 @ 16:48: 


Show Image 


Yeah, we're done here. 


SCP-885-J: Researcher Jacobs' Inability To Clean Up 
After Himself 


Item #: SCP-885-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: At present, SCP-885-J is 
located at Site 13, although Foundation personnel speculate that 
there may be additional instances at the residence of Researcher 
Jacobs. Investigations into how an actual human being could live 
like that are ongoing. 


Attempts to end the phenomenon through direct communications 
with the source have repeatedly failed. Individual instances of 
SCP-885-J may be temporarily prevented by enactment of Protocol 
Lambda-8 ("Revoking Jacobs’ Break Room Privileges Until He 
Stops Leaving His Dirty Dishes Everywhere") or Delta-9 ("Leaving 
Jacobs' Dirty Dishes On His Desk Until He Gets The Message"). 
Should Event Zeta-4 ("Jacobs Cleaning Up After Himself Like A 
Human Fucking Being") occur, SCP-885-d is to be considered 
neutralized. However, this eventuality is seen as being highly 
unlikely. 


Description: SCP-885-J is a phenomenon that occurs following 
Researcher Darryl Jacobs’ preparation of food in the Site 13 break 
room. Regardless of the food prepared, a large number of dishes! 
will be left uncleaned in the break room sink. Unlike normal dishes 
produced by someone who has a concept of responsibility and who 
does not expect everyone else to clean up after them like they're 
eight years old, these dishes will go uncleaned for an indefinite 
period of time, usually between one to three days, before other 
Foundation personnel grow tired of looking at them and clean the 
dishes themselves. 


Addendum 885-J-e34: As of 07/09/2012, Researcher Jacobs has 
acquiesced to the requests of his hippie boyfriend to begin "eating 


right." Incidences of smelly-ass herbal teas, weird pastes, and 
vegetable scraps have begun to manifest in instances of SCP-885-J. 
As a result, Site 13 break room has become infested with fruit flies. 
Reclassification to Keter pending. 


Footnotes 
1. Usually three, but instances involving up to seven dishes have 
been observed 


alarm triggered and could not be turned off until the disc was 
retrieved and the computer security system reset. 


Test 539-3: Class D personnel given instructions to "attract the 
attention of the local authorities" then make use of the SCP. 
Personnel chased by police after smashing in a law cruiser's 
window. When thrown, a large animal of the species Carcharhinus 
leucas (bull shark) appeared in the way of the pursuing police cars, 
which were forced to stop and investigate. After Class D personnel 
were debriefed, both the shark and the SCP were retrieved by field 
agents. It is worth noting that the police officers involved have 
remained firmly silent to their superiors about the incident. 


Test 539-4: This test was unauthorized, and disciplinary action of 
varying degrees of severity has been taken with the parties involved. 
As a "prank", a group of research staff decided to see if they could 
distract Dr. , who is notorious for becoming very involved in his 
work. When thrown, a pack of at least 10 Varanus komodoensis 
(Komodo dragons) burst from the ceiling vent and proceeded to 
chase the Doctor out of his lab. The reptiles proceeded to run 
unchecked throughout the facility until the disc was picked up, after 
which they were impossible to locate, and had apparently left the 
premises. This "test" may indicate that use of animals is the 
predominant method of distraction. 


Look, | appreciate a good laugh as much as anyone, but perhaps 
this could have ended better if the research staff had gotten 
permission? Furthermore, | find it highly likely that the method of 
distraction will involve animals, given the way that they almost 
always attract the attention of humans. -Dr. 


Test 539-5: Test to determine object's effectiveness on proxy 
observers. Testing personnel set up an observation camera linked to 
a computer monitor in a different building. The computer would both 
record and display the video feed to observers. Camera was 
focused on test subject and the remaining personnel moved to the 
monitoring computer. When the disc was thrown, the computer 
suffered a fatal error caused by the deletion of the hardware drivers 
needed to use the camera feed. Recorded video was corrupt and 
beyond recovery. 


SCP-666'2-J: The Roaring Flames of Hell 


Item #: SCP-66612-J 
Object Class: Sweet mother of mercy is it ever Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: A minimum of seven (7) on-site 
staff members of Abrahamic faith must be present in SCP-66612-J's 
containment chamber at all times. SCP-666'2-J must not come into 
contact with any living organism without the written permission of a 
Level-4 staff member. Weaponization and use of SCP-66612-J in 
containment/neutralization of Keter-Class SCP items is under review 
by the O5 Council. 


Description: SCP-666'2-J is a crab-stuffed mushroom entrée 
produced by the internal Foundation catering service Containment 
Cuisine for the 45th annual Site-19 Foundation Formal. Roughly 
42% of the 1,500 attendees consumed SCP-666'2-J and were 
subsequently affected by its anomalous properties. SCP-66612-J's 
effects started to become apparent approximately one hour after the 
conclusion of the main course, at which time event goers began to 
complain of slight abdominal pain. By the second hour, many 
attendees were complaining of significant digestive distress and all 
restrooms in the immediate vicinity were filled to capacity with 
extended queues. By the third hour, medical, investigative, and 
plumbing personnel were being flown in from surrounding sites to 
aid in relief efforts. 


Those who have consumed SCP-666'2-J say that it has an odd, 
salty tinge to it, likely caused by an experimental salt substitute used 
in its creation. It has been theorized that this substance is the root 
cause of SCP-666'2-J's anomalous properties, although food 
poisoning as a result of poor hygiene amongst culinary personnel 
has also been considered. All staff members affiliated with 
Containment Cuisine have been put into custody for interrogation 
purposes as well as the individuals’ own wellbeing. 


When consumed by a human subject, SCP-66612-J triggers five 
stages of localized K-Class scenarios within the subject's digestive 
system. 


In its initial stage, SCP-66612-J causes a brief period of mild nausea 
followed by a sudden and urgent need to relieve oneself. However, 
the instant before the crucial moment of blessed release, 
SCP-66612-J triggers a DK-Class Dominance shift, seizing control 
over the subject's nether regions and causing a massive shutdown 
of all the subject's bodily exits. The deep, carnal desire for release 
increases to the point that it becomes downright crippling. Subjects 
often experience shortness of breath, extreme jaw pain from the 
clenching of teeth, and mild bruising on hands from putting the rim of 
the toilet bowl in a death grip. 


After 15-20 minutes of the subject's intestines experiencing a level 
of containment rivaling that of SCP-106 (and involving substantially 
more screaming), the subject will experience a brief RK-Class 
Rapture Scenario, feeling a relaxation of the lower muscles, a wave 
of elation, and a fleeting hope that the worst has passed. 


Following this, the gates of Hell open up within the subject's 
intestines as Satan himself violates the subject's anal canal with a 
pickaxe. A sudden SK-Class Scorched Earth Scenario completely 
razes the interior lining of the afflicted's digestive tract as unholy 
murderflame rages throughout in a demonic vortex with a 
temperature of roughly HOLY-CRAP-ON-A-CUPCAKE degrees 
Kelvin. Every happy memory, every recollection of peace, joy, or 
anything other than sheer teeth-shattering agony is volcanically 
obliterated in a gastrointestinal supernova of biblical proportions. 
Subjects may experience blackouts or periods of lost time during 
this phase, their state of being reduced to a tear-blurred haze of 
torrential sweat, agonized wails, and desperate gasps for air. 


This continues for the next two to three hours. It is common for 
subjects to briefly hallucinate during this stage, creating comforting 
mental scenarios in which they are violently murdered by various 
Keter-Class SCP entities.