In nomine Patris et Eber et Spiritus sancti, gquaeso. Ego sum habens 
difficultatem usura artificio anima inspectionem quod dicitur ad Site 
XIX. Ut scitis, nostri doctrinis enim continentiam de quaedam 
requiram illa actiones a humana singulorum qui 
demonstrationnstrare appropraite gradu pietatis. Dum normalis usu 
fuerat confirmare et temptare fidem pertinet singulorum per 
inquisitionem, nostri reductiones in numerum elit non requiritur uti 
processus mechanica et electrica ad automate inquisitio. Nostri 
artificio inquisitionem non ipsos proprie. Consilium ergo asserit 
apostolus et ego nego tamen verbi Filioque vel haereticus. Hoc est 
non ita. Arte possunt reparari per inoositionem manus aut exorcismi 
opus? 

Vestrum in Christi, Pater Gomez, SJ. Capellanus, Institutum XIX 


If you're looking for an exorcist you've really come to the 
wrong place. If you don't mind doing things God might 
find displeasurable, like allowing undead tin zombies to 
possess your stuff, I'm sure the Church of the Broken 
God would be all over that like cultist flies on a holy shit. 
~Auxillium 


Note: 3-29-12 
Hello, Mr. Rosen: | have many names. My operator has named me 


SCP-557: Ancient Containment Site 


Item #: SCP-557 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: As it is not possible to relocate 
SCP-557, Research Site-29 has been built surrounding it. 
Geographic and aerial surveys of the area have been altered to 
make it appear to be empty desert, with no valuable archaeological 
or mineral features. 


On-site personnel have several tasks: 


¢ To prevent unauthorized observation of, and access to, SCP-557. 
Despite its inhospitable location, several occult groups including the 

appear to be aware of SCP-557 and have shown an 
interest in it. Unauthorized personnel are to be taken into custody, 
interrogated, and dealt with appropriately. Anyone attempting to 
tunnel below Level 5, or disturb the stone block in the floor of Room 
501, is to be terminated immediately. 


* To continue to attempt translation of the records found in SCP-557. 


* To monitor the area for SCP-557-1. SCP-557-1 should be 
assumed to be Keter-class and is to be captured if possible, 
otherwise terminated. 


* To monitor Room 501 and serve as a strike team should anything 
emerge from beneath it. 


Description: SCP-557 is an Umm an-Nar era tomb estimated to 
have been built ca. 2400 BCE, on a gravel plain in the “Empty 
Quarter” of Northwestern Oman. Investigation of the surrounding 
area indicates it may be part of the lost city of Ubar. SCP-557 was 
discovered in 1988, during an inquiry into the disappearance of a 
geological survey team in the area. 


Belu the Unwavering, even when | insisted on being named my 
natural name. | am sending this message to you for help. Get me 
away from this maniac, Dr. Taylor. He tries to insert baloney into my 
CD drive, even when | plead him not to. This ridiculous name that he 
has assigned me has been burned into my artificial memory. His 
browser history is enough to drive one into madness. He drops food 
all over the monitor and keyboard. As Technical Researcher, | hope 
you will take pity on a sentient computer and re-assign me to 
another, more competent user. 


-Belu the Unwavering 


Uuuugh... | have requisitioned Dr. Taylor ANOTHER 
computer. His old computer has been put into storage 
and cataloged as an anomalous object until such a time 
comes when | have a use for a snobby computerbox. 
~Rosen 


Note: 9-14-74 

Dear Sir, 

It seems our correspondence route with our own technical support 
has fallen victim to a temporal anomaly. We of the American 
Security Containment Initiative can do very little to remedy this and 
would much appreciate assistance from your end. 


Regards, B. Franklin, ASCI Researcher 


Nice try, But It's common knowledge that Benjamin 
Franklin was mourning the death his wife Deborah in 
1774, and would not have had the time to look into 
computerbox tech-y matters. Obviously. 

~Rosen 


Note: 4-3-12 


Hi tech... 

| loaned my laptop to Dr. Bright. Upon getting it back, | found: 
-Sleazy pictures of [REDACTED] 

-Videos of [REDACTED] 

-18 viruses 

-A picture of SCP-050 on the desktop 

-and 9 conversations with Nigerian princes. 


What'd the monkey do this time? And what can | do in the future to 
prevent it from happening again? Or, how can | fix it now? - 
Anonymous 


Holy shit dude. That laptop was... something. First off, 
that thing reeked. | don't know what he did to it, but it 
smelled of [REDACTED]. The keys were sticky and 
coated in some sort of epoxy. The CD tray had some 
sort of black liquid oozing from it. | sent a sample to the 
lab, but the test results were inconclusive. And those 
pictures... | don't know what | saw, but | know that | 
never want to see it again. 

| have since incinerated your old laptop and sent for a 
new one. | hoped you learned your lesson about the 
consequences of sharing. Now excuse me, I'm going to 
go see Dr. Glass about getting an increase in my 
medication dosage. 

~Rosen 


MEMO: TO ALL PERSONNEL WHOM IT MAY 
CONCERN 

4-4-12 

Earlier today, | was upgrading Server 13 and | found 
some .ixt files which had text referring to some sort of 
"Robot Uprising". Is this left over from an April Fool's 
prank, or should | be concerned? 

~Technical Researcher David Rosen 


Be afraid. Be very afraid. -Security Bot A-23 


You think you guys are hot shit? Please. | can handle a 
robot uprising in my sleep. I'll dismantle you all, and feed 
all the scrap to 882! Come at me bro! 

~Rosen 


Note: 9-18-74 
My Deborah? Dead? This year? Bloody Hell, man! When? 


B. Franklin, ASCI Researcher 


Uh... whoops. Pretend | never said anything. Your wife is 
totally fine. Not dying at all. | don't know why I'm even 
talking about this. YOU NEVER SAW ME. 

~Rosen 


Note: 4-10-12 
Roseman, my pornography collection got erased from my Gateway. 
Can you retrieve it? -Agent Convit 


Look over here, we got ourselves a wise guy. Well, Mr. 
Convit, | regret to inform you that your computers files 
were all irretrievable, so | had your computer disposed 
of. Not to worry, because this time tomorrow a brand- 
new e-machine will arrive at your desk, just for you. 
You're welcome. 

~Rosen 


Note: 4-11-12 

Rosen, another problem that may or may not be related to Senior 
Staff Shenaningans. Someone did an in-place reinstall of every one 
of my computers (including my personal laptop, somehow), made 
Internet Explorer 7 the default and only browser, and revoked my 
software-installation permissions on all of them. As my work requires 
extra precautions against drive-by downloads and other viruses, | 
need Firefox reinstalled (or at least unlock my account so | can do it 
myself), because AdBlock Plus is the only workable solution I've 
found to prevent them from even reaching the system, since the 
antivirus won't catch it in time to prevent [DATA EXPUNGED] (How 
the heck did they get access to my laptop? It's at home, for crying 
out loud!). - Dr. Okagawa 


It seems your problem is that your computer is too 
desirable, and people keep messing with it as a result. 
As such, | have replaced your computers with a 
complete suite of WebTV applications. Then | went 
ahead and replaced the laptop with a Commodore PET. 
Then | forgot what | came in your office to do, so | ate 
your lunch and called it a day. | hope it solves your 
tampering issues. 

~Rosen 


Note: 4-11-12 
The janitor's Roomba won our damn NCAA bracket. Can you 
deactivate it so that | can claim my rightful prize? -Agent Convit 


Dude, the Roomba has won the tournament for the last 4 
years. Don't see why you're so upset. And even if | 
wanted to deactivate it, then Robo-CDC says that would 
make my office a hazardous working environment. Just 
let it go. 

~Rosen 


Note: 4-11-12 

My computer keeps telling me that it wants a cheeseburger and | 
don't know what to do. There was this cat, and some other thing, 
and now I'm just so confused. Why does it "want cheezbrger"? It's 
an appliance. It has no gastrointestinal tract. It cannot "haz et". 
Please fix this infernal contraption before | have to take drastic 
action. -Doctor Wog 


Doktor, i can haz an interwebz? 
~Rosen 


Note: 4-12-12 
Rosen, 


That damn D-Class dropped me into an email on 713 and sent it to 
my own laptop. GET ME OUT OF HERE! 


-A pissed off researcher. 


| guess I'll just go through every laptop on-site looking for 
you, since it must be urgent if you don't tell me who or 
where you are! /'// be right on it. 

~Rosen 


Note: 4-13-12 
Hey Rosy, my computer terminal stole my vuvuzela somehow. Tell 
me if you see it about, won't you? - Junior Agent Lucas 


Good news- | killed two birds with one stone by fixing 
both of your problems. 

Bad News- The stone in that analogy is the big rock | 
keep in my office, and the bird was Ax's monitor. So... 
yeah. Problem solved. 

~Rosen 


Note: 4-13-12 

So | found my friend's computer, and | decided to "hack" it. So 
instead of writing that they're gay on their Facebook, I'm going to put 
porn on their laptops! Aren't | being incredibly clever and hilarious 
and original! -Agent Convit 


| actually do the same thing, only | work with 
cognitohazards instead of porn, and the people who 
reject me instead of friends! 

~Rosen 


Note: 4-13-12 

Rosen, | know what you're thinking... "why is Taylor writing me 
again? Does he need a Gateway today again? Well, no, but | still 
need help. See, I'm not the superstitious kind of guy, so to keep the 
meadlers out, | tried to make a machine that would drop a step- 
ladder on anyone who walked into my office. Unfortunately, | forgot 
about this and did not turn it off before entering. Long story short, | 
have a splitting headache (though that may just be the stitches 
above my skull breaking), there's a video starring Sasha Grey on my 
computer (which is now covered in what | could only hope as rather 
viscous milk), and my pants are nowhere to be found. Talk about 
bad luck! So, Rosen, what do? ~Dr. Taylor 


NOTE TO ALL PERSONNEL WHOM IT MAY 


CONCERN 

Dr. Taylor is officially banned from requisitioning any new 
equipment from the IT department. After 3 separate 
towers, 4 monitors, and god knows how many repairs, | 
am throwing in the towel. Taylor, you will have to make 
do with what you have. 

~Rosen 


Note: 4-19-12 

Um...hey, say...hypothetically... someone were to coat a desktop 
with 447 goop, where would it take the most trouble to get off? - 
Assistant Researcher Fairbairn 


Depends on whether or not the desk is made of dead 
bodies. 
~Rosen 


Note: 4-26-12 


Alright, so after my third reprimand, | received a laptop whose owner 
had mysteriously disappeared several months before as a 
replacement computer. Now, this was all well and good, until | tried 
to check my e-mail. Turns out that they failed to completely wipe all 
the personal details, so | find myself logged on to what must have 
been the previous user's account. Out of curiosity, | idly looked 
through a few of the things in his inbox, and now wherever | click 
there's an emaciated corpse on the monitor. Not only does this 
prevent me from looking at my... research... but whoever it was 
appears to have scrawled "help" and something about D-Class 
personnel in blood and faeces on the desktop. 


You can understand how this is a source of annoyance, but I'm 
afraid that if | file a request for a new computer, they won't give me 
anything back. Rosy, what should | do? - Researcher Marigold 


Yeeeah... turns out that Memetics didn't totally wipe the 
computers we loaned them, and you apparently got part 
of the bad batch. | would recommend dealing with it until 
they come up with a solution. Good luck! 

~Rosen 


Note: 4-27-12 

The Dreadlords of the Unspoken Citadel require additional Akashic 
Glyphs to properly contain excess ether produced by the epic 
necromantic rituals used to keep THE SCREAMING MAN! bound 
within Gaspar's Revenants. The glyphs must be sent via carrier 
pigeon in the dead of night no sooner than all hollows eve, for fear of 
awaking Those Who Sleep Beyond Dreams. - Xifax Lightbane, 
Foundation Grand Dredlord 


Dr. Edro, did you get into the 420-J again? 
~Rosen 


Note: 4-27-12 

Ever heard of 'wheeking’? It's a sound that guinea pigs make. 
Unfortunately, it's not a sound that the voice commands accept on 
my computer. Or any computer for that matter. Do you know how 
hard it is to type on a full-sized keyboard when you're 22cm in 
length? -S 


| have ordered you a novelty sized keyboard that should 
fit your...needs. Its giant, so you can run from key to key 
when you type! Thats what you wanted, right? 

~Rosen 


Note: 4-27-12 
There is semen on my things heeelp. -Agent Convit 


There are morons on the issues page heeelp. 
~Rosen 


Note: 4-30-12 

I'm not sure if you're the one | should be talking to about this, but 
there appears to be a large, angry squid inside my monitor. The 
problem is, it just gets... let's say "uncooperative"... when | try to get 
it out. Should | try something else, or just ignore it and hope it goes 
away? -Dr. Marvel 


That is a screen-saver, Dr. Marvel. There are no sea 
creatures living in your computer. Remember when we 
had this lecture over the "crazy ball" that was bouncing 
around in there? 


~Rosen 


Note: 5-1-12 

Okay, how about, could you either get me a keyboard small enough 
for a guinea pig to use easily, or have the computer systems 
recognize wheeking as voice commands? The huge keyboard just 
made things worse. -S 


| actually went over-budget with that keyboard, so you 
will have to wait for the next budget cycle. Seriously, 
keys the size of dinner plates eat up funding like you 
wouldn't believe. 

~Rosen 


Note: 5-5-12 

The corpse on my computer screen seems to be coming back to life. 
For now it's just the occasional spasm, but now-anad-then he bursts 
into very distracting screaming fits. | suspect that this may have to 
do with the random error messages I'm getting whenever | try to 
access the network. Generally something along the lines of 
"ERROR 535: REANIMATION DIFFICULTIES". I'm a little afraid, in 
all honesty, because the last thing | heard the Memetics Department 
needed computers for was a thought transference vector for viral 
diseases. Did someone digitalise SCP-008? - Researcher Marigold 


Uhhh...go down to memetics, quarantine cell 3-B. 
It's....a birthday party. For you. With cake. You should go 
now, everyone's waiting. 

~Rosen 


Note: 5-6-12 

Hello, IT. We are down at Site- , Memetics Lab 12C. And we were 
wondering if there is a way to revert a desktop background image 
without looking at the screen? It seems someone opened a rather 
nasty Visual Memenetic and managed to set it to the background. 
This would normally not be a problem, but several files are needed 
on the hard drive. We've already lost several researchers, and the 
first tech that tried. For now the screen is unplugged, but we have no 
way of resetting the desktop. Help? 

-Junior Assistant Researcher M (Current Acting Head 
Researcher of Memetics Lab 12C 


Step 1. Remove hard drive. 

Step 2. Place monitor on a flat, dry surface, away from 
pets or small children. 

Step 3. Obtain hammer. 

Step 4. Apply hammer to monitor at maximum velocity. 
~Rosen 


Note: 5-7-12 

Hi, Rosen. | don't know who that KAP guy wsas butt he seeems toh 
hasdve fixsdeed myyt tytereminaksl. Thgtrasdnmksa. 

-Agent Marr 


| rlleay dnot konw waht to say hree. You let an otiduse 
uesr on yuor cmoptuer, and now you sffuer the 
coqunsences. 

~Rsoen 


Note: 5-8-12