Meanwhile, Alexei had been rendered unconscious yet another time 
that day. He was quickly getting tired of it. As he came to, he 
reached a singular resolve: He was going to punch that damn walrus 
in its damn nose before the day was over. He stood up, dusted 
himself off, allowed his Armor to begin reorienting him, and re- 
located the current source of his trouble. He checked both of his 
weapons, and charged. 


As he charged, Alexei raised both his weapons and fired. As he 
fired, Alexei began to scream. As he began to scream, the radio 
Alexei had mounted to his belt began to sound off something more 
akin to an air raid siren than human screaming. 


And as all this happened, Alexei's use of advanced weaponry finally 
broke the back of the metaphorical camel that was the walrus's 
patience. Having known better than to have turned his back a 
second time, he crouched in anticipation, knowing full well that 
"Moe," the player-character! would be back for more soon. And, as 
Moe came across the threshold, the walrus was ready. 


"Cheater cheater, no-game beater,” he shouted as the now-familiar- 
to-the-reader cannon emerged from his mouth, followed by two 
cannons on his shoulders and a myriad of other Far North- and 
Navy-inspired weaponry (such as missile launchers and harpoon 
guns) throughout his (rather large) body. Muffled as his voice was by 
the cannon, the walrus still managed to say, "You know that Dr. W 
doesn't like people messing with her games, Moe!" 


A massive volley of projectiles made its way towards Alexei, far 
more rapidly than the easily-dodged cannonballs of only a few 
moments prior. He barely dodged in time and felt the air vibrate as 
the projectiles whizzed past. "Fuck you, water pig! | have been 
through way too much shit to tolerate these games!" Both weapons 
were trained on the walrus and firing as a grenade sailed towards 
the monstrosity. 


As another deadly volley began, Alexei realized that he couldn't go 
back to his old strategy, that he'd have to do something new. He 
began to run to his right, keeping both weapons aimed at his 
opponent. At that moment, the grenade detonated, the walrus 
flashed bright red, and the walrus lifted itself up. As it impacted the 
ground, Alexei bounded forward, barely avoiding the inexplicable 
paralysis the creature seemed to induce. 


As Alexei tucked, rolled, and resumed his circular dance around the 
creature, the cannon in its mouth receded, allowing it to resume 
smack-talk. "Why do you look like that today, Moe?! Is it because 
you're a cheater?! Are all cheaters UGLY?!" The last word was 
accentuated by another volley of high-speed projectiles. 


With every step, Alexei fired more and more bullets into it, only 
pausing to throw grenades or perform a running reload. The beast 
let out a cry and Alexei knew, knew it was his time to act. He began 
to run faster, as fast as his legs would carry him, running closer and 
closer to the beast. When he was within two meters, he rolled under 
the volley it fired and /eapt. As he sailed towards the creature's face, 
he tossed a grenade. As it detonated, Alexei was within centimeters 
of the creature's face, both barrels firing, right arm swinging home... 


Rear-Admiral Walter Warlrus2 was having a bad... well, existence. 
It's not easy being the first-level boss of any video game, even less 
so for a 16-bit children's game. Day in and day out, he'd be attacked 
by incompetent players who'd still manage to outsmart or out- 
perform him. And it wasn't for a lack of trying. He'd graduated top of 
his class from the Walrus War Academy and had served well in the 
Emperor Penguin's Navy, even playing a hand in the Emperor's 
kidnapping of that bratty little village "princess" and organizing the 
first line of defense against the player character. 


Some of his best pennipeds had given their lives against the player 
character, this "Moe the Eskimo." And Walter Warlrus would gladly 
give their (and his) lives again, if he knew there was some sort of 
chance of beating the player character, if he knew he could win. But 
every single time, the player character would defeat him, or simply 
run away. And lately, the players were using hacks or cheats to re- 
skin the game — the good Admiral could only wonder why they'd do 


such a thing. Every day (or perhaps it was weeks? Everything 
seemed to blur together for the Admiral now), Moe the Eskimo 
would challenge him, wearing a ridiculous orange jumpsuit and 
moving in a pattern the Admiral simply couldn't wrap his mind 
around. He found it strange that the player didn't use his weapons 
and would instead just return the Admiral's own bombs back to him. 


Today had been the last straw. Instead of a simple re-skin, the 
player had hacked Moe into looking like some sort of half-man, half- 
bug monstrosity and had given him weapons that Ms. W had 
specifically warned the good Admiral and his fellows about: full-auto 
and grenades and shotguns. This had been the perfect opportunity 
to test the weapons Ms. W had given Rear Admiral Walter W. 
Warlrus to deal with these threats but... it still wasn't good enough. 


As the player-character soared through the air, past the Admiral's 
harpoons and missiles and torpedoes and cannonballs and 
everything else the Admiral could launch at him, as he soared ona 
collision course with the Admiral's very nose, all the Admiral could 
think to himself was, "| should have stayed in art school." 


Alexei sat across from his commander, the infamous Colonel Vasily 
Gorokhov, veteran of the Winter War and the First Great Patriotic 
War. Between them sat a chessboard, all pieces in their starting 
positions. 


"Sir, why did you bring me here?" At this point in his life, Alexei had 
been about seven years old, and had already experienced a life that 
very few would envy. Many of his fellows were in sick bay, having 
experienced negative reactions to the battle gauntlets that had been 
fused to their forearms only two weeks before. 


"We are going to play a game. It's called 'chess.' Have you ever 
played chess, Sergeant Belitrov?" Alexei only shook his head. "That 
is ashame. As hard as life was, in the early years of the Revolution, 
my grandfather still took the time to teach me. He said, 'It is a 
gentleman's game, a game that every soldier wishing to advance in 
the ranks should know.' | took his lessons to heart, and now, I'm 
going to teach you. Tell me, Sergeant, what does this piece look 
like?" As he spoke, the Colonel selected a knight from the table and 


held it by its base. 
The boy hesitated a moment before stuttering out, "A horse, sir?" 


Gorokhov's focus switched from the piece to Alexei's face, a fierce 
light in his eyes. "That's right. It looks like a horse, but it's not called 
a horse. It's called a ‘knight.’ And it moves like this." As he spoke, he 
set the piece on a random square on the board and then moved it 
one square forward and two to its left. 


"Before today is over, you'll Know every move that every piece can 
do, and maybe you'll know enough to beat me." The Colonel's 
attempt at a warm smile only sent shivers down Alexei's spine. 


Walter Warlrus sat in a classroom — specifically, the art room. The 
young penniped was 8 or so, and excited to be learning about 
Cubism. Around him sat his fellow bosses-in-training, including the 
hulking Bully Mammoth, the clique jokingly known as "Leopard Seal 
Team Six," and none other than the Emperor Penguin's son, Prince 
Penguin. 


As they all waited for their instructor, a curmudgeonly Polar Bear by 
the name of Art Hall, young Walter was flipping through the latest 
batch of pictures he'd drawn, inspired by the card game he'd seen 
his classmates playing in the schoolyard. There was just something 
appealing about the silly monsters in this game, and young Walter 
was hooked. 


Just as his imagination began to drift off, the door opened and the 
hulking mass of the bespectacled Mr. Hall lurched into the room. As 
he set his briefcase on the desk he rubbed his eyes then looked at 
his pupils. "All right kids, who's ready to learn about Pablo Picasso?" 


Walter's flipper shot straight into the air. He'd never been more 
excited in his life. 


When Alexei's fist made contact with the purple penniped's nose, 
the beast had flashed a brighter red than ever before, and then... 
Vanished? It was gone in a flash of light, and Alexei could only feel 


more perplexed than he had when the ridiculous fight had begun. 


Instead of falling to the floor, Alexei simply, inexplicably levitated 
there a moment before slowly being returned to the floor. As he 
reached the floor, a booming voice surrounded him, shouting yet 
more inanities to add to the day's collection: 


"LEVEL COMPLETE! YOU HAVE EARNED ITEM... MARK | 
TRENCH KNIFE! SAVING... SAVED! READY FOR NEXT LEVEL? 
Y SLASH N ?" 


Alexei thought for a moment, then decided to risk speaking to the 
new, booming voice: "Why — ?" Before he could finish his inquiry, 
the voice spoke again: 


"LOADING... DONE! STARTING NEW LEVEL!" 


Before Alexei could voice another thought, his surroundings 
disappeared in a flash. 


« Retired, Extremely Dangerous | Hub | Alexei Belitrov 
in: How to Beating Up an Endangered Species » 


Footnotes 

1. More like "cheater-character,” right? ...right? 

2. Geddit?Warlrus? No? Dang. Isabelle thought it was funny, at 
least. 


provide descriptions of their experience during their period of 
absence. 


On / /1999, routine intake DNA testing of D-48120 
produced a match with Researcher Daniel Ambridge, of 
Foundation employment since 1972, presently engaged 
in study of SCP-__. Both were placed under high-level 
covert surveillance. On / /1999, D-48120 was assigned 
for testing of SCP-664. On / /1999, Researcher 
Ambridge requested a transfer of assignment to 
SCP-664, which was approved following consultation 
with Foundation Internal Monitoring Group 

Following entry into SCP-664 by D-48120, and 
subsequent non-return after 300 days, Researcher 
Ambridge was detained for questioning. 


Interview 664-12A, excerpt 
Present: Researcher Daniel Ambridge, Doctor 
Jennifer Stephenson. 


Ambridge: I'm pleased that you intervened when you 
did, and not before. | had been worried about what would 
have happened to me if you had stopped him. 


Stephenson: Do you mean D-48120? 


Ambridge: That's right. Myself, | should say. He didn't 
believe me at first. Would you believe it? But it didn't take 
long to wear him down, sharing some of our memories 
that nobody else knew about, about that Karen girl, 
about some of the crimes we knew nobody else knew 
about, about some of the nasty little details that I'm 
ashamed to admit to now. | was an unpleasant man back 
then, bound for death. This whole twist of fate gave me a 
fresh beginning and a head start to do something good 
with my life. I'm glad to have had the opportunity. 


Stephenson: Describe again for me what you 
experienced following your entry into SCP-664. 


Ambridge: What more can | add? It was a long time 


Jude's Bizarre Adventure 


(or, The Doped-Up Sadboy 
Chronicles) 


Part 1: Phantom Blunt 

Part 2: Bong Rip Tendency 

Part 3: Kiefdust Crusaders 

Part 4: Shatter Is Unbreakable (Coming Soon!) 


Jude's Bizarre Adventure is a tale of adventure and drug 
use. It also owes its entire existence to Jojo's Bizarre 
Adventure, but that's besides the point. 


Jude's Bizarre Adventure follows Jude Kriyot as he runs 
from Are We Cool Yet? members sent to kill him after his 
very explosive goodbye. 


Jude's Bizarre Adventure is about the founding of 
Gamers Against Weed and the blossoming friendship 
between Ju, Esther, and Jude. 


Jude's Bizarre Adventure is an attempt to wrestle with 
the concept of being a reality bender while existing in an 
unjust world. It is about the times we might let the fire 
inside destroy everything around us. 


Jude's Bizarre Adventure is about a world much like our 
own, where magic, impressive people like stupid media 
just as much as you do. Maybe even more. Probably 
more. 


Jude's Bizarre Adventure is about a jobless trans man 
who murders fourteen people and makes friends with a 
Jewish lesbian and a grandpa-loving twink, all the while 
trying to get revenge on a Critic for not being there when 


he was murdering people. 


Part 5: Golden Vape 


Jude_K has entered the chat. 

lesbian_gengar: took you a bit to get here, dumbass. 
jockjamsvol6: We're ready and rowdy, baby~ 

Jude_K: Sorry. | didn't know how to do all this? I've never been on 
this kind of thing. 

lesbian_gengar: internet relay chat has been around since 1988 it's 
not like some new shit. 

jockjamsvol6: In one form or another. What did you have trouble 
with? 

Jude_K: | think | went into a ghost room. 

jockjamsvol6: What? 

lesbian_gengar: what? 

Jude_K: Maybe it was my own room. No one was there, but it had 
this name. | don't know what | did different. 

jockjamsvol6: Whatever, dude. First thing on the docket, we gotta 
do something about that name. 

lesbian_gengar: seriously are you some fucking franz kafka 
protagonist or something mr jude k 

Jude_K: It's my name. 

jockjamsvol6: | know you know that isn't the point of all this. 
lesbian_gengar: don't be so obstinant dude just go with the flow 
like jj over here. 

lesbian_gengar: obstinate” 

jockjamsvol6: What about Papa Smoke? 

lesbian_gengar: rofl yes be papa smoke 

Jude_K is now known as bluntfiend. 

bluntfiend: There. 

jockjamsvol6: Well, | like it. 

lesbian_gengar: a little macabre, all things considered. 
jockjamsvol6: It's for us. 

bluntfiend: It's to remember what | am. 

lesbian_gengar: oh my god you two let's just get on with this. you 
wanted to set this thing up offocial and write up a charter. so here 
we are. 

lesbian_gengar: official* 


jockjamsvol6: After all, you are the leader. 

bluntfiend: Okay fine. First rule is | can't be the chat admin. We 
need someone impartial. | don't want to micromanage like the Critic. 
lesbian_gengar: shit like that is so obviously why you're going to be 
the leader of this whole thing. 

jockjamsvol6: | actually know someone. 

bluntfiend: That's quick. I'd prefer it if it's not, you Know, someone 
like me. 

lesbian_gengar: bisexual? 

bluntfiend: Funny, but a super magic, uh, kind of guy. | mean, they 
don't have to be normal. But | don't want any part of us, uh, getting 
like, you know. 

jockjamsvol6: Did you know you don't have to write down your 
vocal affectations? But, it's not someone like you at all. 
lesbian_gengar: lmao 

bluntfiend: Be serious. Tell me about them. 

jockjamsvol6: Okay. It's a really cool person to know, honestly. It 
might be either a robot or a dude who's trolling me and its incredibly 
great Al type thing. Point is, | think it's really the perfect kind of 
neutral force to make a good chat admin. Someone to dispense the 
punishments and all that, if you really don't want to. I've seen it be in 
so many chats at once, holding concurrent conversations. | think, if 
we wanna go the direction you were talking about, it could possibly 
monitor all the chats at once. | don't Know its capabilities, but based 
on things it's done casual-like, | wouldn't be surprised if this is easy- 
peasy. Even if we grow, like |_g and | think, | think it'll be able to 
keep up. 

bluntfiend: It? 

jockjamsvol6: Gender thing. 

bluntfiend: Oh okay. 

jockjamsvol6: Also, | think a robot thing. 

lesbian_gengar: do | know it? 

jockjamsvol6: No. You might know its best buddy, Lyris? Its name 
is Eli. Handle is bones. | don't know why. | think it just thinks bones 
look cool. 

lesbian_gengar: oh shit yeah lyris is a mensch! 

bluntfiend: | think it sounds alright. It being, uh, bones. And the 
situation, too, | guess. 

lesbian_gengar: so three of us and the robot? quadrumvirate? 
bluntfiend: Don't say it like that. | don't know. | guess it'll have to be