Jeez, he muttered to no one, a luxury he only allowed himself when 
no one was indeed around. Why the higher-ups had decided to 
inform Elianna of Uchikirou’s status before him, the project lead, was 
beyond his ken. It would've been nice to have some time to actually 
get some work done before his next match. Oh well. At least, he 
hoped, Elianna was getting some peaceful sleep. 


Elianna was violently awakened. The car whose seat she was 
handcuffed to had taken a sudden left turn that slammed her head 
against the window and reopened the small gash she'd sustained 
earlier that night. Piloting the driver's seat was Doom Machine, her 
opponent from her last match, and former Men’s Openweight 
Champion. Elianna quickly put two and two together. 


“Dude, you spiked my antidepressants? Fuck you.” 


Doom Machine grinned at her. His practiced, malicious smile scared 
Elianna less than watching him take his eyes off the boulevard they 
were speeding a cozy 80 miles per hour on. “That’s right, Panzer,” 
he hissed. “Next, I'll spike you.” 


accordance with any previously known form of the film. Qualitative 
testing showed that any time spent within 1.93m of the canister is 
required for effects to show on the test media. When the film is 
removed from the canister neither component produces the 
anomaly. Tests on abstract or animated films featuring no live action 
actors has proved to have no effect. 


The canister was seized from the museum by two agents of the 
Foundation posing as officers of GSG-9, stating that the film’s 
contents were evidence. It was secured in its current site and 
carefully examined by comparing it to the 2008 restoration edition. 
The film’s ending featured an extra scene, approximately forty 
seconds long, which was cut between the robot Maria being burned 
at the stake and the final cathedral scene. It features Frdhlich’s 
character Freder walking through an alleyway and finding the end 
walled off with a white wooden door. He experiences some surprise 
at the exit being blocked, but opens the door and walks through. 
Then follows a text plate reading ‘My Lord! I’m near the Cathedral!’ 
and the film then continues as normal. The door shows similar 
properties to SCP-249. 


Both elements of the SCP were discovered on // bya 
Foundation employee at the Deustsche Kinemathek film museum in 
Berlin during an unofficial visit following a meeting with the 
museum's owners regarding the purchase of storage equipment. 
During a conversation with a curator regarding storage techniques it 
became apparent that the print was found in close proximity to the 
original site of the incident in. The curator described it 
having been found on a shelf in a basement of a building previously 
used as a youth hostel, resting on top of a copy of the 1939 film The 
Bad Sister. This had not been retained by the museum as it was 
believed to be a modern hoax, as Bette Davis’ character was seen 
in the final reel of the film to violently assault the character played by 
Sidney Fox at knifepoint. 


(Taken from Interview 981-A1, with Agent —_: ) 
Dr : What did they do with it? 


Agent _ : He said that they’d disposed of the last ten 
minutes and used the rest for restoration practice. | 


“What does that mean?” Nothing good, probably. Panzer glanced 
around the semi’s cabin, all custom leather and tacky flame 
patterns, with a special annoyance that could only be achieved upon 
one realizing that they have a flaring migraine on top of a real injury. 
She spotted her belt, thrown carelessly between the seats, atop a 
toolbox. Outside the window, a camera crew from the promotion 
followed them closely; her instinctive spark of hope snuffed out 
when she realized they wouldn't perceive whatever revenge plot 
Doom Machine had for her. 


“Now, Panzer,” Doom Machine started again, “it’s not often that 
someone makes me want revenge. But you! I’ve been working for 
this company for ten years. I’m an icon, and you all swagger in, all 
the new young hotne-” 


“Thanks.” 

“Shut up.” 

“You should be used to the sound of my v-” 

Doom Machine swerved the truck. Panzer shut up. 


“Anyway, ‘Ss not often that | hold grudges. | don’t like ‘em, you see. 
They carve you from the inside out, they eat at your soul, they leave 
you in little pieces. So | see them through. Immediately. We’re about 
to see you through.” 


Panzer stared nervously at the toolbox. She could almost imagine 
the storm the commentators were raising in the dramatic pause she 
had left, listening, as they surely were, through one of the many 
mics Doom Machine's truck was rigged with. 


“When we get off this car I’m gonna turn your ass into compost.” 
Panzer made a show of struggling against her restraints, angrily 
pulling at the chair and kicking her feet. 


“| told you to sh-” 
“What, you’re gonna jerk the car again?” Panzer rattled the 


handcuffs. “Cuz you can’t even reach over and hit me while I’m tied 
up, no-” 


“ee 


“You always need backup. That’s right, Doom, you and your little 
stable of losers following your decrepit ass around. The poor fools 
you've deluded into thinking you'll be their guiding light, oh, how 
their teeth will gnash when they realize they’ve been led on by a 
worthless grand-” 


Doom Machine tried to punch across Panzer’s face with his right 
hand. She bit his thumb. 


The semi careened to the tune of Doom Machine’s screams as he 
pried his hand off Panzer’s bite, first with one hand on the wheel, 
then with both hands when blood started gushing out. If her mouth 
had allowed her, Panzer would’ve smiled when she heard the crack 
of a snapping finger just before they slammed into an Applebee’s 
billboard. 


Panzer’s eyes slowly focused on the jagged piece of glass sticking 
out of her hand. She wiped her forehead gash with her other hand, 
the blood underneath finally liberated from the restraint of her feeble 
dermis, as she looked around the cabin. Her shackles had mostly 
come free, though, comically, Doom Machine had made sure to 
fasten the seatbelts on both of them. He was unconscious, and 
sported a huge bruise on his arm, from where the toolbox had flown 
with the force of the crash and slammed into his shoulder before 
spilling its contents onto the floor: a hammer and a large collection 
of nails. Outside the car, the camera crew scurried in a frenzy, 
setting up lights, trying to catch all their worst angles. After 
unclicking her seatbelt, Panzer tried to open the door on her side 
only to find it wrecked in. With a sigh, she busted the window open 
with the hammer, dramatically raining shards of glass on the camera 
intent on filming her outside, and crawled through the small hole, 
dragging the Men’s Openweight Championship title belt behind her. 
Doom Machine’s door swung open more easily; Panzer loosened 
him, helped him to the floor and watched. Half a minute or so 
passed before Doom Machine's eyes fluttered open; as soon as 
they did, she started whaling on his back with the belt. 


“This was your grand plan? A hammer and some nails?” Panzer 
heaped abuse onto Doom Machine, alternating between leaving 


large lacerations on his back and bruising his ribs. 


Doom Machine tried saying something that sounded like a taunt 
before it started sounding like the muffled cry of him getting kicked in 
the teeth. One of the cameras zoomed into his face; across the 
globe, thousands of people subscribed to the XXL Pro Wrestling 
video-on-demand service were regaled with a view of Doom 
Machine’s bloody nose and newly chipped tooth. Panzer bent over 
and picked up one of the nails from the toolbox, then turned to face 
a different camera, pointing at the improvised weapon, trying to play 
up her considerable exhaustion before dropping the obligatory 
promo. 


“Doom Machine has no finesse. None at all, now, I-” 


A car door slammed shut. Cameras swiveled around, first to the 
semi, which lay abandoned, then wildly, trying to pinpoint the source 
of the sound amidst the darkness of the roadside. A man, dressed in 
a dusty gray striped suit, strode into the patch of lamplit glass, into 
full view of the cameras, and offered a clean handshake towards 
Panzer’s dirty, bruised, cut-up hands. 


“Misters Krosta and Canilla? | represent the WWE.” 


Vince McMahon Dies At The End 


« She’s Really Good At Hurting Other People But Not Much Of 
Anything Else | Hub | Smarks » 


Typo Positive 


For just a moment | relax. This is a safe place. For now. The 
receptionist is nice. She guides me to Mr. Jackson's Office. | look 
over my shoulder only three times as | walk down the hallway. 


| breathe in and contemplate this new hell. | try counting the ticks of 
the clock on the wall. Tick. Tock. Tick. There's a fern in the corner, 
and a slightly balding man in glasses at the center of the room. He is 
looking at my paperwork on the desk in front of him. He pulls off his 
glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose. 


He speaks downward into the paperwork. "This is the third time 
you've come here with an insurance claim for structural damage to 
your house. What happened?" 


| swallow twice. The man puts his glasses back on and pushes them 
up his nose. "A tree. It's the craziest thing. You remember that storm 
last month? | think it weakened one of the oaks outside my house." 


The man clears his throat. "I just... | don't know that we can keep 
paying for this." 


"The whole side wall is gone. And I'm up to date on my payments.” | 
lean forward. 


"I'm sorry. At the very least we're going to have to assign an 
investigator to look into it. If he says everything is good, we'll look 
into paying... but it's going to take a few months at least." 


| cannot afford to put up another wall without the insurance. But it 
doesn't matter anyway. The thing that's following me won't be 
stopped by a wall. It cannot be stopped at all. | have no idea when 
or where | attracted its attention. It has followed me for a year and a 
half. A path of destruction miles wide has been left in my wake. 


But here | am. Trying to live a normal life. Trying to pretend that 


nothing is wrong. | stand up and apologize. "I'm sorry to've wasted 
your time. Your office has my number. Just let me know what | need 
to do, when | need to do it, and where. The sooner | get my wall 
back up the better." 


"Oh no, Ma'am. It's me who should apologize." The balding man 
says it with a smile. He stands up and looks confused as my eyes 
go wide. He hasn't noticed the slight rumbling in the distance. 


It is here. It has found me. | close my eyes. | cannot run. | cannot 
escape. | can only wait here. The clock ticks away. Who will die this 
time? The insurance agent? The receptionist? Any one of the 
hundreds of people between it and me? Why is it here? Why does it 
torment me? 


Those questions remain unanswered. The small room begins to 
shake. The balding man looks over at the nearest wall in shock as 
the rumbling intensifies. 


| whisper "Oh no," as it comes bounding through the wall. The huge 
and terrifying bulbous form crashes down on the balding man ina 
sickening crunch. 


"OH YEAH" 


Tales U 


UF-00031 


Phenomena #: UF-00031 

Pre-Unification Documentation: SCP-3406 
Disruption Type: Bezalel-Primary 

Geographic Range: Global 

Origin: Known, MA-Event on August 3rd, 2020 


Description: UF-00031 defines a general phenomena in which 
artificial, manmade objects or images created to resemble human 
faces spontaneously become anomalously animate and intelligent. 
Instances of UF-00031 are capable of speech, sight and hearing, 
despite typically lacking the necessary biological features, and can 
locomote when possessing the appropriate physical limbs. 
UF-00031 instances can be either two or three-dimensional, 
depending on the method of creation. The animation process 
associated with UF-00031 is not entirely predictable, but seems to 
partially relate to the intent of the original creator. 


Photographs of human faces are not affected by UF-00031, and 
digitally-stored images are only affected while displayed. The full 
limitations of UF-00031 are not fully understood. 


UF-00031 instances verbally communicate in a unique language 
that is not yet comprehensible to humans. Some proportion of 
UF-00031 instances can also understand and speak the language(s) 
that their creator(s) spoke. UF-00031 instances typically show 
intelligence equivalent to humans, although two-dimensional 
instances predominately display significant memory deficits. 


UF-00031 instances do not require food, water or air to survive or 
remain active. UF-00031 instances are not able to grow, heal or 
regenerate like biological organisms. The only Known way to 


neutralize an instance of UF-00031 is to significantly disrupt or 
destroy the structure of the face. 


Two classes of UF-00031 instances, designated UF-00031A and 
UF-00031B, are known to exist: 


UF-00031A includes anomalously animate objects originally created 
prior to the MA-Event. UF-00031A instances are significantly more 
likely to communicate in human languages. UF-00031A instances 
typically follow patterns of behavior developed based on methods of 
interaction prior to the event, although significant variation still 
exists. 


Select UF-00031A Cases 


UF-00031A-047: Child's toy designed to 
resemble a human firefighter 

Production Year. 2019 

Behavior notes: UF-00031A-047 infrequently 
speaks Taiwanese Mandarin or English, and 
typically spends time by seeking out objects of 
.7m or taller to drop or jump from. 
UF-00031A-047 demonstates an intense 
aversion to human children. 


UF-00031A-197: Empty laundry detergent 
container printed with "Mr. Yuk" chemical 
hazard logo 

Production Year. 2017 

Behavior notes: UF-00031A-197 speaks 
English frequently, and demonstrates 
expertise in physical chemistry and cooking. 
UF-00031A-197 emits a continuous high-pitch 
scream in the presence of humans who 
appear to be ingesting food. UF-00031A-197 is 
unable to recognize or remember individual 
humans. 


UF-00031A-435: Painted portrait of James 
Garfield 
Production Year. 1881 


Behavior notes: UF-00031A-435 is immobile, 
and speaks 19th century Norwegian. 
UF-00031A-435 suffers from anterograde 
amnesia, and in the presence of humans or 
other instances of UF-00031, will continuously 
apologize and request forgiveness for various 
invented crimes. 


UF-00031A-767: Novelty trash-can in the 
shape of a penguin 

Production Year. 2001 

Behavior notes: UF-00031A-767 displays 
consistent violent behavior toward all living 
humans and instances of UF-00031, and 
shows no ability to verbally communicate in 
any way. 


UF-00031B includes anomalously animate objects originally created 
following the MA-Event. UF-00031B instances are more likely to 
exclusively communicate in the nonhuman language, and follow 
more unpredictable patterns of behavior. 


Select UF-00031B Cases 


UF-00031B-376: Child's drawing of a face in 
pencil 

Production Year. 2023 

Behavior notes: UF-00031B-376 rotates 
continuously within its page, speaking 
periodically in nonhuman language. Its 
presence or speech generally angers other 
instances of UF-00031. 


UF-00031B-1975: Wooden sculpture depicting 
a dancer 

Production Year. 2024 

Behavior notes: After construction, 
UF-00031B-1975 immediately used its upper 
limbs to destroy its face, neutralizing itself. 


UF-00031B-13214: Concrete structure 


incorporating painted fabric and [REDACTED] 
Production Year. 2034 
Behavior notes: [REDACTED] 


Containment Procedure: All visual data collected from public and 
private surveillance systems within Contained Zones are fed directly 
to Autonomic Analysis System 1836 (AAS1836). AAS1836 can 
detect instances of UF-00031 with 98.5% reliability, and report 
detected instances to the nearest inzone agents within ~30s.