Special Containment Procedures: Contained instances of 
SCP-3494 are to be held in a secure anomalous item locker at 
Site-40. Foundation agents embedded in local law enforcement 
agencies in the Newark, NJ area are to monitor local television 
stations for SCP-3494 advertisements, removing them when 
possible. Additionally, Mobile Task Force P-900 "Gut Busters" are to 
search for and contain instances of SCP-3494, and administer 
amnestics to those with knowledge of SCP-3494. 


Individuals who have been administered a dose of SCP-3494 are to 
be held at the Site-40 anomalous waste management center in 
specialized waste removal cells until such time as a remedy to their 
condition is made available. 


Research into the Person of Interest known as "dado" is ongoing. 


Description: SCP-3494 is the collective name for a group of 
anomalous pharmaceuticals advertised as "superlax by dado". 
Unlike previous anomalous drugs manufactured by the individual 
known as "dado", SCP-3494 is marketed to the population directly, 
usually through television ads consisting of a white screen with black 
text that is spliced into other advertisements during daytime hours. 
The source of these advertisements is unknown. 


SCP-3494 instances are cream-colored tablets, roughly 1.1 cm in 
length, that are delivered to customers in a zipper bag with the 
words "superlax by dado" written on its exterior in black marker. A 
typed note on standard Xerox paper within the bag indicates that 
SCP-3494 is a laxative, and is "the last anti-poop u will ever need or 
want". SCP-3494 has also been advertised in a cream form "to 
apply directly to problem butthole", but no instances of this variant 


have been recovered. 


Individuals who are not currently experiencing constipation who are 
administered a dosage of SCP-3494 are unaffected by the drug, 
although some have experienced a sudden numbness in the lower 
gut that lessens over time. However, any individuals who are 
currently constipated will experience the apparent intended effect of 
SCP-3494, which is the seemingly never-ending expulsion of fecal 
matter from the subject's anus. 


While subjects who experience this effect do not otherwise feel any 
discomfort!, they are also powerless to control the expulsion of 
waste matter. The waste is seemingly generated from an extra- 
spatial area somewhere within the subject, as not only will the 
amount of waste produced quickly exceed the subject's body weight, 
but tested samples of this waste indicate that, after the initial 
expulsion of waste, all other samples contained human biological 
material that did not match the subject's genetic profile. 


So far, all subjects who have been administered a dosage of 
SCP-3494 are continuing to experience the effects of SCP-3494. 
There is currently no known method by which to abate these effects. 
All known afflicted subjects have been moved to the Site-40 waste 
management facility to help control the flow of waste. 


Addendum 3494.1: Hotline Communication 


Advertisements for SCP-3494 often reference a toll-free phone 
number (1-800-iam-dado?) that can be used to order additional 
dosages of SCP-3494. The following is the transcript from phone 
calls made by Foundation agents to this number. 


[BEGIN LOG] 
Phone ringing 


Unknown Voice: Yes hello, you have reached dado yes, 
home of fine dado product and also laundry and tan. 
How am | can be help you? 


Agent Mills: I- yes, I'm Agent Mills, of- 


Unknown Voice: No | am not interest in your product 
please yes do not call back thank you. 


Hangs up 
[END LOG] 
[BEGIN LOG] 
Phone ringing 


Unknown Voice: Yes hello this is dado you are 
speaking to, home of fine dado product and also laundry 
and tan. How helpful can | to you be? 


Agent Westrin: Yes, hi, my name is Pat DeMure, and | 
saw your advertisement for the "superlax" on the TV, and 
| am intrigued. I'm thinking about pulling the trigger, but 
before | do | just want to get some more information. 


Unknown Voice: Ah yes, very good. Well you no need 
to pull trigger, no gun allowed at laundry and tan of 
course but yes. | help with superlax. Best lax on market 
currently. 100% removal of blockage. Get it all out. Best 
remedy for what ails. How many | order you for? 


Agent Westrin: Now one moment, | have a few 
questions myself. Now a... a friend of mine took some of 
your superlax, and they've experienced what | might 
describe as an... excess of waste, wh- 


Unknown Voice: Yes, considerable waste blow out the 
poop chute clean it all out yes. Very effective remedy. 


Agent Westrin: | see, yes, but she felt like maybe... 
maybe not all of the uh- the waste, was hers. 


Unknown Voice: Yes that is correct mmmhmmm. 
Agent Westrin: You... you mean that's intended? 


Unknown Voice: Yes. 


Agent Westrin: Why would that ever be intended? 


Unknown Voice: Well you see that is very simple of 
course. Before dado make this fine superlax he conduct 
of the clinical trial with focus group. Focus group is say to 
dado, "need to get it all out. Clean out all the poop." So 
dado considers this, and dado is think, "there is many 
poop in the world yes, how best to get it out?" Well, 
fortunate for dado, dado is the best of all clever thinker. 
You have ride in the Uber, yes? 


Agent Westrin: Like the ride-sharing service? Uh... yes. 


Unknown Voice: Yes exact. So you are ride from 
someone who is not you. You outsource ride yes? Now 
you no need to do the transport of yourself, the transport 
is done for you! 


Agent Westrin: | don't think I- 


Unknown Voice: So dado is think, "how best to get out 
the poop?" Then dado realize! Like the Uber! Outsource 
the poop! There is many poop in the world however, so 
yes perhaps flow of the poop is more than intended, but 
more people take the superlax yes and more people 
share the poop! Like the Uber! And no block! Poop chute 
is clean as whistler. Very helpful, yes. You trust dado, 
you get considerate relief. 


Agent Westrin: | see. 


Unknown Voice: You are satisfied with response yes, 
this | see. Now, how many of the superlax can you 
ordering? 


Agent Westrin: Is there any chance | could get a hold of 
a list of people who have purchased- 


Unknown Voice: Aha! | sleuth you out. You are supplier 
of opposition to dado! Uninterested in second rate non- 
dado product! | add you to block call on phone! 


it. 


07/14/20 : This is my last entry in this journal as I've run 
out of room. Serves me right for stealing from a dollar 
store. I'm leaving this in my quarters for safekeeping. 
Even though everything else changes moment by 
moment, things seem to stay constant here. Aside from 
the memos. 657 keeps giving today's date as the end of 
the world. I'm keeping my new journal with me at all 
times. If | shift without it, a lot of data might be lost. | 
don't want that to happen. 


Goodbye, dear journal. You've served me well. 


Due to SCP-451's compulsion to keep the second journal on his 
person at all times, it is not currently possible to determine its 
contents. A covert operation by SCP-423 has been suggested and is 
pending review. 


Hangs up 
[END LOG] 


Additional phone calls made by Foundation agents to the number 
listed in the advertisement have been unsuccessful. 


Footnotes 

1. In fact, many subjects report feeling a sense of relief that does not 
subside with time. 

2. Notably, this line only connects as intended when dialed within 
the city of Newark, New Jersey, USA. 


SCP-3497: Backfiring Birds 


Item #: SCP-3497 
Classification: Euclid Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: 10 breeding pairs of SCP-3497 
are housed at Site-3497. They may be cared for by veterinary staff 
in an identical fashion to non-anomalous members of their species 
in captivity. No civilian aviation or maritime traffic is to come within 
300km of Site-3497, and all Foundation traffic in this area is to be 
briefed on the nature of SCP-3497 to avoid confusion. 


Containment of SCP-3497 in the wild is the responsibility of MTF 
Lambda-4 (‘Birdwatchers’). For their use Site-3497 houses two 
Beriev A-50 airborne early warning aircraft for the detection and 
tracking of SCP-3497, and four Ka-27 helicopters with modified 
weaponry and equipment for effective containment. Wild examples 
of SCP-3497 are generally destroyed, but may be captured at the 
discretion of Lambda-4 team members, if examples display 
behaviour of research interest. 


Foundation staff are assigned to monitor military and civilian ground- 
based radar installations and aircraft radio transmissions throughout 
the northern Pacific. Any probable sightings of SCP-3497 should be 
reported to Site-3497 and a cover story relating to military exercises 
and/or technical malfunctions disseminated. The Department of 
External Affairs has established a task force to liaise with regional 
governments, with the aim of deescalating tensions relating to 
SCP-3497 sightings. 


Description: SCP-3497 is the collective designation for an 
anomalous variant of the fork-tailed storm petrel (Oceanodroma 
furcata). \t is biologically indistinguishable from standard members of 
its species, and behaves in a similar fashion, with breeding grounds 
in the Kuril Islands and a range across the north-western Pacific. 
SCP-3497 possesses a radar cross-section of 40m, with a detailed 


radar profile resembling that of the Tu-22M bomber aircraft.1 These 
cross-sections overlap when SCP-3497 examples are in close 
proximity, leading to groups of SCP-3497 appearing as large, 
undifferentiated masses on radar. The physical properties of 
SCP-3497 are unaffected. 


SCP-3497 has a secondary anomalous property apparent when it 
releases an amount of mass over 1 gram while being tracked by a 
radar system. Outside of controlled testing, this most commonly 
occurs when SCP-3497 defecates. SCP-3497 will generate a radar 
signature analogous to a Kh-15 air-to-surface missile2 which will 
proceed at a speed of Mach 5 towards the radar’s location. Once the 
radar signature reaches this point, it will disappear. Only the inital 
radar tracking SCP-3497 can detect this signature; if multiple radars 
are simultaneously active, each will detect a single signature 
targeting them. No objects corresponding to this signal have been 
detected outside of radar monitoring, and faeces or other items 
released have no anomalous properties once they separate from the 
body of SCP-3497. 


The anomalous properties of SCP-3497 are inheritable, and 
breeding of SCP-3497 with standard O. furcata will produce further 
examples of SCP-3497. No anomalous properties have been 
detected in SCP-3497 eggs or chicks in flightless stages of 
development. 


Containment efforts have decreased the wild population of 
SCP-3497 significantly, from an initial breeding pairs to an 
estimated 100 as of 2012. Since its creation in the early 1980s, 
SCP-3497 has been the likely cause for nuclear close calls in the 
Asia-Pacific region. 


Addendum 3497-1: The following notes (translated from Russian) 
referencing SCP-3497 were recovered in 1994 from [REDACTED], a 
defunct Soviet air base in the Amur region. The author was given as 
Dr |. L. Zakharov, a Soviet aeronautical engineer with known ties to 
GRU Division ‘P’. 


+ Addendum 3497-1 
04/02/1981 


Our first test is a success! General Rychagov 
visited to see our first bird fly. He seems 
interested, but | do not think he will be pleased 
until we can give him his invisible bombers. 

It is galling to have made such an 
accomplishment out of reach of all modern 
science and receive no recognition for it, but if 
we can do this it will be worth the Order of 
Lenin for sure. 


11/09/1981 


Still no progress in reversing the process. It 
may be that the bird profile is too small to 
apply to aircraft. | hear a new Nebo array is in 
development, which could help us, but 
Rychagov is getting impatient. We will not 
have the funding to continue till we have 
access to the new radars, even if they did 
work. 

If we are shut down all of this will have been 
for nothing. We must find some way to 
continue. 


15/12/1981 


Finally, some good news. A Colonel Kramskoy 
visited the base today — an Air Force man, and 
a pilot unlike old, fat Rychagov. Anatoly 
convinced him to come — apparently they are 
old school mates. He is keen on using the 
birds as jamming decoys. Anatoly says he is 
close to Minister Ustinov, and will be able to 
put in a word for us. We will have to cease the 
bomber part of the project — a shame, but we 
were stalled in any case, and at least 
something will still come out of this. 


08/01/1982 


Kramskoy is unhappy about the birds moving 


so slowly. | do see his point — the Americans 
will not be fooled by them for long — but we 
can hardly make them fly at supersonic speed. 
That would be more impressive than anything 
we have done so far. It would be possible to 
carry them with our aircraft, but we would need 
climate-controlled and pressurised wing pods 
— we may as well just use regular decoys. 
Mikhail suggested they be stored alongside 
the pilots. | thought Kramskoy was going to 
punch him. We need some other way. 


04/03/1982 


| didn’t think it was possible, but Anatoly’s idea 
actually seems to work. The birds aren't 
perfect, but they are a little bit more convincing 
now. We are just about ready for a full-scale 
demonstration. 


20/04/1982 


The birds are loose everywhere. Our whole 
Far Eastern air defence is in chaos. | heard 
Ustinov almost had an aneurysm. 

I’m finished. 


Addendum 3497-2 (08/11/20 ): In spite of all extant breeding pairs 
of SCP-3497 being accounted for, new examples have begun 
appearing amongst the wild O. furcata population, including in areas 
without confirmed previous SCP-3497 sightings, such as the 
Aleutian Islands. It is hypothesised that the anomalous effects of 
SCP-3497 may also have a recessive genetic component. A 
classification change from Euclid to Keter has been requested by Dr 
Major and approved by O5- . 


Footnotes 
1. NATO designation ‘Backfire’. 
2. NATO designation AS-16 ‘Kickback’. 


SCP-3498: Brebauenitis 


The regurgitated lung of an instance of SCP-3498-1, cleaned. 


Item #: SCP-3498 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: Instances of SCP-3498-1 are to 
be contained in standard airtight containment cells. Personnel 
requesting to interact with instances of SCP-3498-1 are required to 
wear class-4 biohazard suits. Amnestics use may be granted to 
personnel after interacting with instances of SCP-3498-1. At least 12 
vials containing SCP-3498 solution are to be kept in a secure 
cryogenic locker in the office of Dr. Eckert Letner. In the event of a 
breach of containment, class-A biohazard protocol is to be initiated. 


Description: SCP-3498 is an anomalous form of bloodborne virus 
that alters the psychological and physical makeup of infected 
humans. SCP-3498 will enter a of 1-2 week incubation period upon 
infecting an individual. After the incubation period, individuals 
infected by SCP-3498 will begin to experience symptoms such as 
fever, nausea, dissociative amnesia, internal pain, and decreased 
motor ability. Upon development of symptoms, individuals infected 
by SCP-3498 are then designated SCP-3498-1. 


About 2-5 days after the onset of symptoms, instances of 
SCP-3498-1 will begin to experience the long term effects of 
SCP-3498. SCP-3498 will begin to transform internal organs into 
miniaturized structures of Ptolemaic Egyptian architecture. Organs 
transformed by SCP-3498 will be either regurgitated or forcibly 
removed by SCP-3498-1. Despite the loss of major organs, 
SCP-3498-1 instances will remain alive. 


SCP-3498-1 instances will enter a state of obsessive behavior about 
2 weeks after infection, attempting to arrange removed organs in 
patterns resembling urban planning.