Dr. Cornwall: One time, the doorknob was locked. 
When | came back later, it was unlocked. This is how 
locks work. 


Dr. Hughes: 


Note: Dr. Hughes' computer appears to be 
malfunctioning. -Dr. Clef 


Researcher Axwell: Sometimes | turn it to the left, and 
sometimes to the right. Doors are useful. 


Dr. Lee: | once saw somebody cleaning SCP-7148-U. It's 
nice that our facilities workers take such good care of the 
site. 


Researcher Chambers: As a staff researcher, | can 
confirm that this is a doorknob. 


Footnotes 
1. Currently the Foundation has no protocols by which to contain a 
doorknob. 


SCP-078-J: Cooties 


Item #: SCP-078-J 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: Due to the apparent 
omnipresence of SCP-078-J-1, researchers have constructed 
several safe houses for refugees. These safe houses are to be 
equipped with a large memetic deterrent consisting of a sign that 
states "NO GURLZ ALLOWD!!" and various drawings of cool boy 
stuff like dragons. No pink is to be allowed into these safe houses. 


Description: SCP-078-J is a highly contagious biohazard spread 
through physical contact with SCP-078-J-1 (Especially on the lips!!). 
Although the properties of SCP-078-J are not fully understood, it is 
well known for causing various cases of yuckiness, bad smells, and 
immediate death. 


SCP-078-J-1 is a malevolent creature that typically inhabits an area 
colloquially known as the "playground". There are several different 
versions of SCP-078-1 that will wander this area at any given time. 
Current research performed by Junior Researcher James! has 
pointed towards SCP-078-J-1 possibly being extraterrestrial in 
origin. That would certainly explain why they don't like Power 
Rangers. 


Prolonged exposure to SCP-078-J carriers results in an expansion 
of the larynx, a development of the sexual organs, an increase in 
bodily growth, and the sprouting of various hairs around the body, as 
well as a marked fondness towards SCP-078-J-1. Researchers 
agree this is totally gross. 


Footnotes 

1.Junior Researcher Jameshas been commended for his quick 
thinking during incident 536-J-3, during which a group of SCP-078- 
J-1 surrounded him in an attempt to perform a "makeover". 


Researcher James cleverly reached a finger into his nose and pulled 
out a large booger, with which he fended off SCP-078-J-1. 


SCP-808-J: The Lost Treasure of Captain Blue's 
Island 


Item #: SCP-808-J 
Object Class: Ketarrrr 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-808-J is ta be kept ina 
locked wooden chest buried deep beneath the sands on an isle far 
way. Ta get ta the fortune that awaits, ya must take 20 paces east 
past the forked tree, then 30 paces north from the swift stream. It's 
buried 'neath an X in the sand. But, only the most courageous of all 
men dare ta disturb old Captain Blue's last treasure. Some say ta 
this day, his ghost still haunts the island, waitin’ fer unlikely men ta 
try and take his precious booty. Then he snatches them up they're 
nary seen again. 


Sailin' ta the isles that hold the lost booty is an adventure itself. Its 
location can only be found on a map, contained within Davy Jones' 
Containment Locker 808-J on Ship-19. The island is surrounded by 
reefs and rocks that only the most experienced seaman can 
navigate, else he crash and end in the deep blue. Captains are not 
ta bring woman aboard their ship, even ne'er seen before beauties 
can bring only the worst of luck. Men that learn the location of the 
island without permission from O5-R are ta walk the plank. Dead 
men tell no tales. 


In order ta survive the long haul, captains are ta bring many fruits 
aboard ta be savin' even their scurviest of dogs. 


Description: SCP-808-J is a treasure long lost from the knowledge 
of yer everyday landlubber. Only legends tell of its existence, a vast 
fortune hidden away by the great Site Captain Blue many years ago. 
It's said that he who finds the treasure may be the richest man ta 
sail the seven seas. 


Addendum 808-J-1: Audio Log 808-1: 


Interviewed: Site Captain Redbeard 
Interviewer: "Polly" 


Foreword: Site Captain Redbeard informed his dearest friend of his 
voyage into the sea surroundin’ Blue's Isle. 


<Begin Log, 19:33:37> 
Q: Squawk! 

A: Arrr! 

Q: Squawk! 

A: Arrr! 

<Skip 19:47:22> 

: Arr! 

: Squawk! 

: Arr! 

: Polly want a cracker! 


: Aye, it was the most brutal voyage | have ever set out upon. 


9 > OO F DOD PF 


: Polly want a cracker! 


A: Me own crew was apprehensive as we sailed inta the fog 
surroundin’ the island. Ya could tell ol' Blue's ghost was hauntin' 
those shores. 


Q: Hauntin' those shores! Squawk! 


A: | was shiverin' in me timbers as we finally navigated the rocks 
and boarded into the island. The air was thick with devilry, and | 
looked back ta see me Jolly Roger disappearin' inta the mist. 


Q: Inta the mist! Squawk! 


A: Aye, Bucko, | was scared. Me first mate was spottin' fer me, of 
course. He told me how not even he could see three feet from his 
face through the damnable fog, and we all grabbed onto each 
other's hooks and went in single file inta the dense jungle of the 
island. 


Q: Squawk! 


A: Yes Polly me beauty, we passed by those trees and the swift 
creek until we finally came ta the X. Then we all dug until we hit 
somethin’. 


Q: Squawk! Polly want a cracker! 


A: No Polly, it wasn't pieces o' 8, or even gold doubloons. It was 
caskets of the devils liquid and [YON DATA EXPUNGED] 


Q: Devils liquid! 

A: Aye, bottles and bottles of rum! 
Q: Squawk! 

<End Log, 19:47:55> 


Closing Statement: ARRRRRR! 


SCP-011-J: The Baby 


Item #: SCP-011-J 


Object Class: Euclid (Because we don’t know where it is! Do we? 
Where’s it gone?) 


Special Containment Procedures: Any sighting of SCP-011-J 
must be acknowledged verbally, in a high-pitched voice, with all 
words sharply enunciated. Subjects must react in the same way 
when witnessing SCP-011-J disappear. 


Description: SCP-011-J is the 6-month-old offspring of Foundation 
Doctor Jones, which has the anomalous power of dematerialising 
whenever an observer obstructs their vision with their hands, or 
nearby furniture. When visual contact is re-established, SCP-011-J 
rematerializes, to the great surprise and relief of onlookers. 


+ Testing Log 
Doctor Jones: Where’s SCP-011-J? There he 
is! 
Where’s SCP-011-J? There he is! 
Where’s SCP-011-J? There he is! 


Where’s SCP-011-J? There he is! 
Where’s SCP-011-J? There he is! 


Where's he gone!? Where is he? 
I've got your nose! 


(Doctor Jones places his thumb between his 
middle and index fingers, creating the illusion 
of the amputation of SCP-011-J's nose.) 


What are you doing there? WHAT YOU 


DOING!? 
I'm gonna eat those little legs! Yes | am! 


(SCP-011-J gives a positive response to a 
simulation of being eaten, suggesting 
masochistic tendencies.) 


Conclusion: SCP-011-J is anomalously 
adorable. 


Addendum: “Doctor Jones is to start working way fewer hours, and 
take some paternity leave! SCP reports are not how normal people 
interact with their kids, for fuck’s sake...” 


SCP-111-J: An Innocent Suburban Household 


Item #: SCP-111-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: Access to SCP-111-J is 
restricted. The Foundation has circulated the cover story that the 
property is condemned due to severe hornet infestation. Any 
civilians found entering SCP-111-J's boundary are to be immediately 
incapacitated by SCP-111-J's patrolling agent. Testing of SCP-111-J 
requires permission from personnel of Level 4 Clearance or higher". 


Description: SCP-111-J is a suburban house located in 
[REDACTED], NY. SCP-111-J's anomalous properties manifest if a 
human being speaks certain words or phrases while located within 
its legal plot (extending from the fence line of the backyard to the 
sides of the front yard and the sidewalk). 


When the following phrases are spoken, a malevolent being will 
appear near the speaker and begin attacking them. The nature of 
this entity may range from an unidentified male wearing a mask and 
carrying a bladed weapon to an incorporeal entity with the ability to 
affect physical objects seemingly at random: 


¢ "What noise?" 

¢ "| think we're safe." 

¢ "I'm gonna call 911." 

« "It's nice to be alone with you." 

* "Hello? Is there anybody there?" 
* "Ok, we made it out alive." 


The neighbourhood surrounding SCP-111-J and SCP-111-d itself 
will experience severely adverse weather for an indefinite period of 
time when the following phrases are uttered. Following notice of 
these changes in weather, any radio or television placed within 
SCP-111-J will report that the weather as it is will continue for an 


following a board review. 
-O5- 


« SCP-541 | SCP-542 | SCP-543 » 


extended amount of time (Generally 5 hours to 2 days): 


¢ "Look, you can leave any time." 

¢ "Let's get out of here." 

* "I'm catching the first plane out of here." 

* "We have to get out of here before they arrive." 
« "Well at least it can't get any worse.” 

« "| hope he/she is okay out there..." 


Apparently scandalous but previously undetected information 
involving the speaker will manifest when the following phrases are 
uttered. (E.G. A morally corrupt twin sibling of the speaker may 
arrive, the speaker may be a Soviet spy, etc.) 


¢ "No, you have to get over this. He's dead, 

¢ "| killed him." 

« "I've been keeping a secret from you." 

« "My name is actually Roderick." 

« "Leave and never come back!" 

« "| could never lie to you." 

¢ "Can you hear them?" 

¢ "Ever since the war I've never been the same..." 


When the following phrases are spoken, [DATA EXPUNGED] 


¢ "Oh, that must be the pizza delivery boy." 

* "| didn't call for a plumber!" 

¢ "The job is yours, but | need a favour first..." 
¢ "And this is the bedroom." 

¢ "I'd like to broaden my horizons." 


Addendum 111-J: SCP-111-J was originally discovered by the 
Foundation following the severe weather and violent murders that 
occurred throughout the neighbourhood on October 15 and 16 2001. 
Investigation into the residents of the household revealed that the 
husband apparently had been visited by his lost-at-sea uncle and 
transvestite mistress; while the wife was murdered by her ex-fiancee 
who had been wearing a distorted rabbit mask and had been stuck 
in the neighbourhood due to blizzard conditions. 


Footnotes 


1. Note that allowing entrance to male individuals with a history of 
being "poolboys" or female individuals that have been or are 
secretaries greatly increases the chance of a class-4 incident 
occurring. 


Cimmerian-Kaktus Proposal: "The Broke God" 


Item #: SCP-001-J 
Object Class: lyov 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-001-J is under no 
circumstances to be allowed access to monetary gifts of any kind. 
Staff must relinquish all currency on their person before engaging in 
any interaction with SCP-001-J. 


The containment of SCP-001-J does not appear at this time to be 
attainable by the Foundation. However, due to SCP-001-J's 
apparent apprehension involving creditors, it may be possible to 
effect containment through such entities. More research is needed in 
this field. 


Description: SCP-001-J is an omniscient, omnipotent, 
omnitemporal entity named Michael Kain, who is the primary deity 
worshiped by a group of religious zealots calling themselves "The 
Church of the Broke God". SCP-001-J wields great and terrible 
cosmic power, while possessing a distinct and crippling lack of 
adequate financial planning skills. 


SCP-001-J requires a significant influx of cash money in order to 
pay, in his own words, "the water bill, child support payments, bread, 
and some of those little hot dogs because protein is a must if you're 
just barely making ends meet." However, any amount of money 
given to SCP-001-J, by any individual and for any reason, will 
somehow mysteriously disappear, despite SCP-001-u's insistence 
that it was not spent on booze, cigarettes, and porno mags. 


Discovery: SCP-001-J was discovered by O5-1 on a business trip 
to New York during an event later described by SCP-001-J as "that 
time you totally contained me", where O5-1 stopped SCP-001-J 
from stealing a bagel by shouting "hey, don't steal that bagel". Ever 
since O5-1 offered to pay for SCP-001-J's bagel, and gave him a 


few bucks for a cab, SCP-001-J has left no fewer than 17,000 
voicemails on O5-1's phone, typically asking for money or, in some 
cases, talking at length about unrelated events before eventually 
asking for money. 


Addendum 001-J.1: Recorded Voicemails 


The following voicemails were received by O5-1's office between 
April 20th, 2017, and May 1st, 2017. Notably, both the Global Occult 
Coalition and the Serpent's Hand also confirmed that SCP-001-J 
had called them asking for money during this time, while the Chaos 
Insurgency reported that SCP-001-J had called them, but only 
burped into the phone for fifteen seconds and hung up. 


001-J.1 


+ Show Transcript 


Heyyyyyy Adam, it's me, Mike. Mike Kain? 
You know, from that one time we met when 
you contained me? Yeeeeeeeah | know that 
wasn't a super great look, but hey, look at me 
now, huh? Got a whole congregation together 
and everything. So that's great, say, while I'm 
here, | was going to ask you something. See, 
I'm really trying to put things back on track. 
Get life moving in a positive direction. | want to 
get some stuff, you know, to keep up 
appearances, but I'm a little short on scratch, 
you know? | know you've probably got your 
own stuff going on, but if you could spare like, 
a short term loan of like $200, that would be 
super. And you know I'm good for it, absolutely 
good for it. Anyway, just gimme a call back 
when you get a chance. Thanks again, buddy. 


001-J.2 


+ Show Transcript 


001-J.3 


Adam, my man, what's happening. Haven't 
heard back from you yet, but uh, definitely still 
trying to string together a few pennies, you 
know, pay off some... bills... get that sort of 
thing taken care of. Really, $200 might be a 
stretch, right? Because we really only met that 
One time, and | know this seems pretty forward 
and | get that. | do. So I'm thinking, really, if | 
could come up with like, $100, that would 
really get me settled. One foot in front of the 
other, you know? Tryin to make a change. | 
know you get me. Thanks again, my man. 


+ Show Transcript 


001-J.4 


Have you been talking to that GOC son of a 
bitch? He doesn't know anything about me, 
Adam. Nothing. | don't even know his name. 
Look, | Know | probably sounded drunk the 
other night, and you know what? Maybe | was. 
But this whole thing is a process, right? It's not 
gonna happen all at once, and | own that. | 
definitely own that. But look, | know | said that 
$100 would do it, but really I'm just trying to 
come up with like, whatever | can. I'm 
supposed to take my, uh... kids... yeah, my 
kids, supposed to take them to the... kid 
museum. And you can get in there for like 
twenty bucks, so if | could make that happen, 
me and you, that would be perfect. Twenty 
bucks, right? That's nothing. Anyway, hit me 
up bro. 


+ Show Transcript 


001-J.5 


Alright, fine, you Know what? | know that 
you've got me blocked or something, and | get 
that. | don't blame you. So I'm calling from my 
cousin Yabby's place, and he's a good dude, 
right? But look, I've got some guys | need to 
get paid, you know, who | borrowed some 
money from, and they're being pretty insistent 
about this whole thing, so at this point really 
anything would be perfect. Five bucks, even. 
Whatever you've got laying around under your 
desk, you know, anything | can give these 
guys. So give me aring there homie, that 
would be great. 


+ Show Transcript