The amorphous biomass spoke to Dr. 
Agarwal, stating that it was her companion and 
encouraging her to join it. Her companions 
attacked the creature, but were absorbed by it. 
Dr. Igotta used a final companion card: "Sister 
Semaphore", a cosmic being which flew 
upwards into the atmosphere and 
disappeared. And then the sun went out. 


The gelatinous biomass collapsed, losing all 
function. However the previously absorbed 
bodies of Agents Smith and Pankin remained 
at zero Hit Points, and their coating of green 
goo suddenly [DATA EXPUNGED)]. 


As the remaining players panicked, and mere 
seconds from [DATA EXPUNGED], Agent 
Candle arrived, and combined the Green Goo 
Gun card with his one remaining red card 
("Don't forget your eel juice"), firing the 
resulting weapon upwards at the primary 
players. 


All players awoke simultaneously with no 
memory of the events of the game, or of the 
reason for their presence in the game board. 
No prize money was awarded. 


Participants have professed no recollection of 
game events, which have been reconstructed 
entirely from recordings. For security and 
psychological reasons, events of this iteration 
remain classified to participants. 


Notable Cards Drawn: 


Card Color: Orange 

Card Title: Avery 

Subtitle: Someone is going to be boned 
Type: Anomaly | Sentient | Animal 
Description: A slavering white wendigo with 
the power to control bone growth. What's not 


to love? 


Stats: 9 ATK / 5 DEF /6 HP 


Audio Recording Transcript Excerpts 
[BEGIN LOG] 


Agent Zhao: Watch your six, Zoe! Some kind 
of dog on the ceiling! 


<growling noises> 
Agent Pankin: This way, come on! 


AIC-Glacon: | would advise against that 
direction. 


Unknown: <singing> Food, glorious food! 


Agent Smith: What the hell? Hey Candle, wait 
for us, don't you dare - 


M.O. Candle: I'm sorry! 


Dr. Agarwal: Cowardly bastard. Let's get out 
of here. 


AIC-Glacon: What is your desired outcome 
from this experience? 


Agent Pankin: Well | sure as hell don't want 
to lose, Glacon! 


AIC-Glacon: My calculations indicate that the 
use of this card at this time will ensure that you 
do not lose. 


Agent Pankin: Okay, logging in - it should 
effect the nearest player. Sorry, Lakshmi! 


Dr. Agarwal: | don't feel anything. 
Agent Pankin: What gives, Glacon? 


AIC-Glacon: | cannot provide an answer to 


that query, Agent. Unfortunately the high 
volume of data released in the program you 
have activated will temporarily overwhelm my 
processing capacity. | should, perhaps, have 
mentioned this eventuality before advising, - 


ing, -ing, -ing... 


Researcher Bell: | think he's crashed, 
Thomas. 


Agent Pankin: Dammit, now what do | do? 
Those things are right outside! 


Unknown: <singing> Lakshmi, Lakshmi, give 
me your answer, do... 


Unknown: Ar ruv roo. 

Dr. Agarwal: I'm sorry what now? 

Agent Zhao: Keep going, Zoe - you're almost 
out. 

Agent Smith: Okay, I'm - aaaaaagggghh! 
Agent Zhao: Zoe! 

Dr. Igotta: Jesus. 


Researcher Bell: Oh god, that's - that's 
horrible. James, you have to do something. 
James? 


Dr. Agarwal: Shit - it's absorbed all of my 
companions. 


Unknown: I'm your companion, Lakshmi. All 
of us are. Join us. 


Dr. Igotta: Lakshmi, run. 


Unknown: All of you can join us - we will be 
beautiful together. 


Researcher Bell: Is it - is it looking at us? Can 
we just stop now, please? 


Dr. Igotta: Yeah, this ceased to be fun a long 
while back. 


Agent Zhao: <muffled sobbing> | can still hear 
her. 


Dr. Agarwal: <screams> The green is [DATA 
EXPUNGED]! It's [DATA EXPUNGED]! Logan, 
| don't want to die! 


Dr. Igotta: I'm sorry, Lakshmi. It - it will be 
okay. | promise. 


Dr. Agarwal: It's so dark. 


Researcher Bell: | can barely see anything 
down there. 


Agent Zhao: So dark. 

Dr. Agarwal: Please, | don't want to die. 
M.O. Candle: You won't - at least not alone. 
Researcher Bell: James! 

Dr. Igotta: Finally! 

M.O. Candle: Okay, here goes nothing... 
[DATA EXPUNGED] 


Agent Smith: Ugh - what - where am I? | don't 
feel well. 


M.O. Candle: Don't get up - let me check. Can 


you tell me your name? 


< Victory music sounds are heard, but tail off 
rapidly.> 


Unknown: Uh, congratulations, | guess? Did 
anyone win? Why are we here? Is it a sphere, 
perhaps? Who is Doctor Wondertainment? 


Dr. Igotta: Wondertainment - huh, that 
explains a lot. But also nothing. 


Agent Pankin: Um, what just happened? 


AIC-Glacon: Despite having been inactivated 
and thus unable to observe subsequent 
proceedings, | surmise that my previous 
calculation was correct, and that your actions 
ensured that you did not lose the game. 


Dr. Agarwal: We were playing a game? 


+ Open Log 3301|042 
Log ID: 3301|042 


Participants: Dr. Westrin and Junior 
Researcher Kim, D-1886 and Dr. Messer 


Game Board: Dr. Jones' Locker 


Winner: Dr. Westrin and Junior Researcher 
Kim 


Victory Condition: MR. ESCHATOLOGY 
Difficulty Setting: Maksur 
Runtime: 25h 17m 28s 


Payout: $216,145 


name each time. SCP-423 states that it highly enjoyed the script, 
though he was a bit confused by "FADE OUT" as well as 
"CREDITS", since this was the first time it was exposed to a movie 
script. 


Date: / / 
Test Material: A copy of the script for "Heaven Sent", from Doctor 
Who 


Result: References to sculptures on the wall resembling SCP-423's 
usual look. SCP-423 explained that the tight story made it too 
difficult for him to manifest himself as an actual character, though he 
vastly enjoyed The Doctor's fantastic performance, which he 
claimed he experienced not as 4 billion years but only an hour (as 
long as the TV episode). 

Notes: |It seems that if a story is very "contained" (any other 
characters would have a severe change in plot, or make no sense) 
with only a bare minimal amount of main characters, SCP-423 will 
become an inanimate object in the story instead, though still aware 
of events occuring. 


Date: / / 
Test Material: The lyrics to "Bohemian Rhapsody", by Queen 


Result: In verses 2 and 3, "mama" was replaced by "Frederica". 
SCP-423 seemed unaware that this was a song as opposed to a 
poem. It seems that not all information is given to SCP-423, merely 
enough for him to not interrupt the flow of a poem or song, as well 
as fulfill any standards set by a story. 


Date: / / 
Test Material: 50 Shades of Grey, by E.L. James 


Result: A minor character "Fred" appeared in the background. 
SCP-423 expressed that it was a bit uncomfortable with the explicit 
scenes within the book and requests that it be sent to stories with 
more adventure and action next time. 

Notes: It seems that SCP-423 also has a taste for specific books; 


Game Summary: Each player received a 
gunshot wound upon entering. However, 
instead of a random location, each player was 
shot in their left eye. Eyepatches manifested 
near their vicinity, which they eventually put 
on. 


Each team started on a beach on an island in 
the middle of a large body of water. No other 
land is seen by the players. Dr Westrin draws 
the card "Deep Below The Reef", which allows 
him access to a secret area of the game 
board. A loud foghorn is heard in the distance, 
and a large sunken cargo ship appears at the 
beach. 


Dr. Messer immediately plays the card "Starry 
Night", which reduces visibility of everyone in 
the area. This allows Dr. Messer to draw and 
play a card, which is revealed to be "Lost Love 
at Sea". Another foghorn, this time slightly 
louder, is heard in the distance, and two boats 
appear that try and attempt to hinder Dr. 
Westrin's advancement to the cargo ship. 


While this plays out, D-1886 plays green card 
"The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald", which 
summons an oil tanker off the coast of the 
island. Another foghorn is heard, even louder 
than the last, in the distance once more. The 
Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald prepares to 
destroy the cargo ship. JR Kim plays the card 
"Yin-Yang", which allows the user to play two 
divine beings in one turn. 


With this, she summons the supreme divine 
card "The Great Leviathan". Due to its 
immense size, it causes the nearby terrain to 
change; mountains, crevices, and large 
earthquakes appear on the island and volcanic 
activity begins to rise. JR Kim also plays a 


supreme divine card called "The Eel". The Eel 
and The Great Leviathan charge at D-1886 
and the oil tanker, instantly annihilating them 
both. 


Dr. Westrin successfully makes it to the cargo 
ship, and finds a small lockbox inside. Opening 
the lockbox, Dr. Westrin discovers the 
supreme divine card "The S-C-P-S Midnight 
Jacket", and immediately plays it. One last 
foghorn is heard in the distance, anda 
supremely large wormhole is seen in the 
distant at an unknown distance. A large metal 
spacecraft is seen exiting the wormhole. It is 
currently theorized that the spacecraft was 
approximately the size of Manhattan. 


An unidentified object around the size of a 
human is seen being detached from the 
spacecraft, which appears to be an escape 
pod. Once it lands on the island, an entity exits 
it. The entity appears as an extremely large 
Orangutan in stereotypical sailor's clothes, 
smoking a pipe, and holding a finished Rubik's 
Cube in their hand. A necklace is seen around 
their neck. 


The entity speaks through American Sign 
Language, and speaks with the players for a 
short time. After 15 minutes, the entity reenters 
the escape pod. It begins to fly back into the 
spacecraft. Eventually, several large objects 
that resemble anchors are shot out of the 
spacecraft and begin to impale The Eel and 
The Great Leviathan, and begin to drag them 
up into the craft. Immediately afterwards, the 
game ends and Dr. Westrin and Junior 
Researcher Kim are rewarded the "Mr. 
ESCHATOLOGY" win-condition. 


Notable Cards Drawn: 


Card Color: Red 


Card Title: The Wreck of the Edmund 
Fitzgerald 


Subtitle: Do not come near, lest your boat be 
your own tomb. 


Type: Structure 


Description: A giant oil tanker, which instantly 
destroys all ships that come near it. Comes 
equipped with other weaponry for other types 
of enemies, such as harpoons, cannons, 
torpedoes, etc. 


Stats: 15 ATK / 85 DEF / 30 HP 

Card Color: Orange 

Card Title: The S.C.P.S Midnight Jacket 
Subtitle: The Terror of the Seas 

Type: Supreme Divine 


Description: Dead Foundations Write No 
Tales 


Stats: ?? ATK / ?? DEF / ?? HP 

Audio Recording Transcript Excerpts 
[BEGIN LOG] 
Dr. Westrin: Jesus Christ, I've gone blind! 


D-1886: Ah, fuck! W-why the fuck did they 
have to shoot my eye. 


Junior Researcher Kim: It shot my eye too. 
The hell.. 


Dr. Westrin: Look, here are some eyepatches. 


Dr. Messer: Yeah, this was definitely done on 
purpose, especially considering we're on an 
island in the middle of the ocean. Yar har, | 
guess. 


Dr. Westrin: Damn, look at the size of that 
ship. I'm going over. 


JR Kim: Er, did you just hear that lou- 


Dr. Messer: (/n the distance) Oh no you ain't. 
Take this! 


JR Kim: Fucking shit, it's pitch black. 


Dr. Westrin: | can still see the ship. Cover my 
back, I'm going over. 


(Two small boats appear on the shore. They 
begin to charge at Dr. Westrin.) 


JR Kim: | swear | can hear something over in 
the dist- 


(One of the boats successfully rams Dr. 
Westrin, he is flung over near the cargo ship. 
The boats appear to face towards Kim.) 


JR Kim: Shit. 


Dr. Messer: 1886, do you have anything to 
destroy the cargo ship. I've distracted them for 
now. 


D-1886: Yeah, hold on a sec. (Pause) Here we 
go. 


(D-1886 plays the card.) 


Dr. Messer: Did you hear that? It sounds like 


a foghorn. 


D-1886: Did ya say something, | was staring at 
the giant ass ship that just appeared in front of 
us. 


JR Kim: (Draws a card.) Oooh-ho-hoo, hope 
you guys are ready to get demolished. 


(The Great Leviathan and The Eel appear 
behind her) 


JR Kim: Let's see you kill these guys. 


(Dr. Messer is seen quickly running away from 
The Wreck and D-1886) 


D-1886: Shit. 


Dr. Westrin: | got it, | got the card. It's called 
"The S.C.P.S Midnight Jacket, and the 
description says "Dead Foundations Tell No 
Tales". 


JR Kim: Play it then, quickly, before Messer 
can attack back. 


(Dr. Westrin plays the card. The foghorn is 
head, and the wormhole is spotted in the 
distance.) 


Dr. Messer: Er..... what did you do. 

Dr. Westrin: | have no idea. 

(The escape pod from the spacecraft is seen 
ejecting, and lands right next to Westrin, Kim 


and Messer.) 


Entity: (/n sign language:) Hello. You are from 
the Foundation, correct? 


JR Kim: You could say that, yes. Who are 
you? 


Entity: (/n sign language:) Names Bright. Was 
setting sail in case we ever found our target. 


Jr Kim: Target? 


Entity: (/n sign language:) Yes madam. We 
call them the Woodpeckers. They've been 
tearing up the multiverse, and plundering 
everything in site. They've already plundered, 
what, 5 or 6 billion universes so far? We have 
been sent to destroy them. 


JR Kim: Why do you need such a humongous 
spacecraft? 


Entity: First off, it's not a spacecraft, it's a 
dimensional craft. Second off, the 
Woodpeckers ship is also extremely huge. 
(The entity takes a puff from their pipe.) Say, 
have you seen the Woodpeckers around here 
at all lately. 


JR Kim: No sir. 
Entity: Good. You got off lucky. 


(The entity returns to their pod, and begins to 
fly back up to the spacecraft. The Eel and The 
Great Leviathan are seen being pulled by the 


ship.) 


Dr. Messer: Did that monkey just..... take the 
Eel and the Leviathan. 


Dr. Westrin: Looks like it. 


Footnotes 
1. In one instance of the card “Mr. Scary” being drawn, the type 


listed was “Factory”. 

2. The meaning of this and the Maksur difficulty is unknown, as 
neither are officially registered object classes. 

3. As "Pot of Weed" has not been encountered outside this event, it 
is unknown if this was an intentional function of the game or not. 

4. Sic.; All text on the card, excluding the Companion type, was 
blacked out. 

5. Despite being set to Safe, the game functioned more akin to 
Neutralized; all exposed blood was replaced with an equal volume of 
apple seeds, and no functional anomalies were encountered. 

6. While the colour of the cards varied, their content was identical. 
7. Only applied when card was Blue, Orange or Purple. 


SCP-3302: "The Jim Look" 


Item #: SCP-3302 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3302 is contained in Safe 
Containment Storage Locker #86, Site-42 Anomalous Media Wing. 
As of 02/16/2018, further testing is postponed pending Level 4/3302 
approval. 


Description: SCP-3302 is a single DVD, specifically disc one of 
season one of the U.S. version of the television sitcom, “The Office.” 
Notably, it is autographed by actor John Krasinski with the 
dedication, “If all else fails, mug thirty degrees to either side.” This is 
suspected to be a reference to a reaction colloquially known as “The 
Jim Look,” named for the character he portrayed on the show. 


SCP-3302’s anomalous properties manifest when viewed by human 
beings. From the point of the first “Jim Look” onward, viewers will 
uncontrollably recreate the “Jim Look” action every time they 
perceive a statement as unintelligent. This reaction will go unnoticed 
by the subject unless brought to their attention; repeatedly bringing 
this to their attention may cause non-anomalous emotional distress 
at their apparent lack of self-control. 


Interview Log: 


Subject: D-3086 (Initial owner of SCP-3302) 
Interviewer: Researcher Evans 


[BEGIN LOG] 
Evans: How are you doing today D-3086? 


D-3086: At least the food’s better than the swill they 
served at the homeless shelter.