Addendum NaCl: On February 6, 2011, there was a 
major breach event which concluded with SCP-118-J 
entering CONDITION-POSTERIOR-DAMAGED at 
approximately 10 pm following what was described in his 
own words as "a complete shit show, chokefest." 


Researcher Kensington was observed to then hold out 
his hand, and demand restitution for some form of pre- 
arranged bet. Doctor Magnus was observed to be a total 
dick, and welch. 


It is unknown at this time whether his inability to pay up 
is due to his condition as SCP-118-d, or if he's just that 
much of a baby. 


Addendum K2Cr207 


Addendum K2Cr207: On June 27, 2015, after losing a 
round of the video game "Nidhogg" to Researcher 
Kensington, SCP-118-J was inquired as to his emotional 
state, while implying fraternal relation. 


This immediately caused a CONDITION-POSTERIOR- 
DAMAGED, which lead to unprecedented ambient salt 
levels in the immediate vicinity. 


Due to the amount of damage caused to Researcher 
Ken's totally sweet rig that he spent like three grand on, 


over a game of Nidhogg for fuck's sake, it's 
recommended at this time to never inquire of SCP-118- 
J's emotional state, or familial fraternal relation. Because 
he can't take a goddamned joke, and is like seven 
thousand years old and doesn't recognize a meme. 


Dr. Magnus' note: 
Get fucking bent, you cheated. 


Addendum C4H6BNa03S 


Addendum C4H6BNa03S: 

On December 25th, 2015, Researcher Kensington 
participated in the Site 19 "Secret Santa" exchange, 
having recieved SCP-118-uJ's given name. 


As part of the tradition, Researcher Kensington 
purchased an ornate salt shaker for SCP-118-dJ, feeling 
he would appreciate a joke, and have somewhere 
decorative to store some of his salt. 


Researcher Kensington underestimated SCP-118-J's 
inability to take a joke, and SCP-118-J entered 
CONDITION-POSTERIOR-DAMAGED as usual. 


Such was the magnitude of SCP-118-u's saltiness, that 
other Research Staff around him were affected as well. 
No less than research staff were transformed into huge 
piles of salt, as a result of SCP-118-J's shitty mood, and 
the general consensus was that SCP-118-J ruined the 
office Christmas party with his inability to take a joke. 


Dr Magnus' Note: 

Kensington, you irredeemable fuckwad. "Ornate salt 
shaker" my dick. | didn't ruin shit, AND DELETE THIS 
GODDAMNED DATABASE ENTRY. 


SCP-343-J: Russell's Soup Can 


Item #: SCP-343-J 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: Due to SCP-343-J's method of 
relocation, long-term containment is not possible at this time. In 
order to minimize and/or isolate the area of active teleportation 
events, the former recreational wing of Site-59! has been converted 
into Debate Hall-343. Containment staff placed at DH-343 are to 
have scored at least a "Three-Alarm Habanero" on the Standard 
Dogmatic Spiciness Exam in either atheism or an Abrahamic faith. 
In the event that the latter demographic is unavailable in Foundation 
staff, Site Director Naismith has volunteered his grandmother to fill 
the role of at least 30 researchers. Staff are to debate the existence 
of God, the afterlife, and evolution at all times. 


Outside of DH-343, all Foundation staff are advised to keep their 
fucking arguments to themfuckingselves during work hours for 
realsies. However, in the event that SCP-343-J is encountered 
outside of DH-343, it is to be told "| never thought about it that way” 
and/or "you are very intelligent" until it dematerializes. 


Description: SCP-343-J is an opened, 284 mL aluminum soup can 
containing 13 common earthworms2. SCP-343-J appears to operate 
as a single, sapient organism, capable of high-pitched, nasal 
speech. 


In addition, SCP-343-J is able to teleport from one location to 
another. The range or extent of this ability is unknown at this time. 
SCP-343-J uses this ability to offer its unauthorized contributions to 
religious debates anything that could potentially be redirected into a 
religious debate. As such, SCP-343-J has lowered Foundation 
morale averages by a factor of 59 since its discovery in 2013. 


Incident-343-J-941 


Date: 3/17/14, 12:49 GMT 
<begin log> 


Dr. Henderson: The cafeteria food here can go straight 
to hell. 


Dr. Naismith: | dunno, this barbecue sauce is on point. 
[SCP-343-J materializes on the cafeteria table] 
SCP-343-J: Excuse me! Excuse me! 


Dr. Henderson: The sauce, yeah, but the meat tastes 
like styrofoam. Probably is styrofoam, now that | think 
about— are those worms? 


SCP-343-J: Hell doesn't exist. 


Dr. Naismith: He means the food is bad, not that it could 
literally go to— 


SCP-343-J: Nope, nope, can't go to hell, hell doesn't 
exist, heaven doesn't either, no scientific evidence, God 
doesn't exist, evolution is real, the fact that you would 
wish eternal damnation on anyone speaks volumes 
about whether or not you're a good person. Those are 
facts. | don't make the rules. 


Dr. Naismith: We're trying to have lunch here. 


SCP-343-J: Yeah, that's great and all, but you're not 
offering any counter-argument, so, like, are you just 
going on faith? Because I'm pretty sure you're a grown- 
ass man and shouldn't believe in fairy tales, just sayin’. 
I'm sure you have fun with your invisible sky homophobe 
and worship a zombie on a cross, but I've read all the 
Hitchhiker's Guide books, embrace reason and logic, and 
enjoy life a couple gazillion times more than you ever 
will, nothing personal. 


Dr. Naismith: I'm an agnostic, | don't— [sigh] look, can 


SCP-549: Ursa Minor 


Item #: SCP-549 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-549 is to be kept at all 
times in its terrarium. The terrarium was created after previous 
containment proved to be insufficient. The containment Plexiglas is 
to be checked for fractures every day at 0600 and 1800. Any signs 
of stress or wear are to be reported immediately to one of 
SCP-549's handlers. The terrarium is to be kept filled with miniature 
foliage and groundcover resembling that of northwestern North 
America. Fabrication company [REDACTED] is to be used for 
repairs on the terrarium's interior. A stream has been engineered to 
run through the terrarium, the water of which must be changed daily, 
using only filtered spring water. The terrarium is to be kept within a 
15m by 15m room, placed on a stable support platform capable of 
holding up to two metric tons in the event that SCP-549 begins to 
throw its weight around. 


The containment room should be lit in accordance with the day-night 
cycle and climate controlled in accordance with conditions in 
northwestern Canada. During summer and autumn months, 
SCP-549 requires upwards of 70,000-80,000 calories per day in 
preparation for its hibernation period. Because of SCP-549's special 
situation, it is inefficient to provide the nutrition in the traditional 
means. It simply takes SCP-549 too long to consume that much 
material. Currently, its diet is provided in the form of salmon fillets 
which have passed through [REDACTED], thus drastically 
increasing the caloric content of the fish. In winter and early spring, 
SCP-549 requires little or no care, though monitoring should 
continue as per usual. Personnel assigned to SCP-549 must take all 
care not to disturb its den by any means. 


As a result of Incident 549-72 (the mauling of Assistant Researcher 
[REDACTED] by SCP-549), all personnel assigned to SCP-549 are 


you please just let us eat? 


SCP-343-J: Woah, hey now, censorship, can't speak my 
mind, can't expose the truth destroy people's illusions or 
you'll have me stoned to death! Is that how you "love thy 
neighbor"? | know what a Higgs Boson is. 


Dr. Henderson: 12:55. We better get back to work. 


Dr. Naismith: Oh, thank god. 


SCP-343-J: Did you seriously just thank a fictional 
fucki[redacted for brevity] 


<end log> 


Footnotes 

1. Due to the unavailability of standard recreational services, the ban 
on pornography at Site-59 has been lifted indefinitely. All staff are 
advised to use headphones. 

2.Lumbricus terrestris 


SCP-682-J: SUPER BESTEST LIZERD EVER 


MORE EXPEERUHHMENTS 
Item #: SCP-682-J 
Object Class: KETUR 


Special Containment Procedures: THE BESTEST LIZERD EVER 
WILL LIVE IN A BIG GLASS TANK WITH ACID SO THAT IT 
DOSNT GET TO BIG AND NOBODY WILL TAK TO IT BECAUS IT 
IS VERY TRICKY. 


Description: THE BESTEST LIZERD EVERIS A BIG LIZERD 
WITH BIG TEETHS AND HE CANT DIE BECAUSE HE CAN TURN 
INTO ANYTHING. SOMTIMES HE IS VERY SMALL BECAUS HE 
CAN BE THAT BECAUS HE CAN BE ANYTHING. 


THE BESTEST LIZERD EVER IS ALSO VERY SMART. HE HAS 
AN IQ OF A BAJILLION AND ONE DAY HE TALKED WITH A 
VERY SMART COMPUTER AND THEY WERE BOTH VERY 
SMART. 


HE EATS ANYTHING AND HE USES HIS NOSE TO DO SPECIAL 
EATING SO THAT HE CAN EAT ANYTHING. 


HE CAN DOO ANYTHIN! 

Addendum 682-J-1: Portion of transcript of 
<Begin Log, skip to 00h-21m-52s> 
Dr. : Now, why did you kill those farmers? 
SCP-682: RAAAWWWRRR 


Dr. : If you don't talk now, we will remove you from 
this attempt and place you back into- 


SCP-682: RAAAAAWWWWRRR 
Dr. : Pardon? (Motions to move microphone closer) 


SCP-682: | WILL EAT YOU BECAUS | AM THE 
BESTEST LIZERD EVER 


Dr. : Speak up. (To Personnel D-085) Move the mic 
up closer. 


SCP-682: | AM VERY HUNGRY 


Dr. : (To Personnel D-085) That microphone has 
only so much gain, move it closer to it! 


Personnel D-085: His throat's messed up man, look at 
it! He ain't talking- (Gasps and screams) 


SCP-682: (Appearing to assault D-085's body) | HAVE 
BIG TEETHS FOR CHEWING 


Dr. : (Retreats from the room) 
<End Log> 
Addendum 682-J-2: Log of event 682-J-E: 


THE DOCTORS USED A CRISTAL ON THE BESTEST 
LIZERD EVER: 


0400: THEY TUCHED THE LIZERD WITH THE 
CRISTAL AND IT HURT HIM BUT NOT TO MUCH 


0800: THE BESTEST LIZERD EVER HAD A CRISTAL 
GROING ON HIM 


1200: THE LIZERD IS HURT 
1300: THE CRISTAL EXPLODES!! 


1400: THE LIZERD POPS INTO LITTL PEECES BUT 
THEN THE PEECES CAME BACK TOGETHER AND 
MADE THE LIZERD WIN!!! 


SCP-682-J James’ Coloring Book 


SCP-1638-J: A Dark and Mysterious Printing Plate 


Item #: SCP-1638-J 
Object Class: Better safe than sorry 


Special Containment Procedures: Containment of SCP-1638-J is 
cut and dried: it is to be kept in low security locker 36 in site 21. 
SCP-1638-J wouldn't hurt a fly. 


Description: Let's not beat around the bush, SCP-1638-J is a lead 
printing plate with dimensions of 21 cm by 30 cm, it is as black as 
coal. In a nutshell the majority of the content on the plate appears to 
be an advertisement written in English for four separate novels, but 
the jury is still out on this. In order to help set the record straight, the 
English content present on SCP-1638-J is displayed below: 


Ace in the Hole 


Jerry is an aging golfer, yet to win a major tournament. 
Geoff is a senior policeman, a week from retirement. 
When a prominent member of the Pleasant Springs Golf 
Club is murdered, Geoff is brought in to investigate. Jerry 
offers to help Geoff with the case, on the condition that 
they team up to compete in the annual Partners Golf 
Tournament. Geoff, a notorious lone wolf, reluctantly 
accepts the offer. Can this unlikely pair put aside their 
differences and work together? 


The Big Apple 


Sarah is a big city girl eager for a change. She leaves 
her high paying job and moves to the country in search 
of a new life working on an orchard. Sarah has a hard 
time fitting into rural life, but everything changes when 
she meets Jim. Jim, an experienced farmhand, takes 
Sarah under his wing. When Sarah's former employer 


offers her a new position she is forced to make a choice; 
does she move back to the city or stay on the orchard 
with Jim? 


Out of the Frying Pan 


When Edward Blanc suddenly develops amnesia, his 
company Blanc's Pans is in hot water. Only two people 
know the secret method used to make Blanc's world 
famous pans; with Edward unable to remember, time is 
running out for the company. Only Edward's former 
partner Juan Estavo can save them now. Unfortunately, 
Juan is in jail doing time for a crime he didn't commit. 
Can Joseph Geldbaum, a young lawyer with unorthodox 
methods, free Juan and stop Blanc's Pans from going 
bankrupt? 


Jack of all Trades 


Jack is a young man from a small farming village. When 
his village is destroyed by goblins he is forced to flee, 
ending up in the capital of a great empire. Jacks works 
as a cook in the castle kitchens, until one day his 
fortunes change. Jack manages to save Princess Anna 
from an assassin and is offered a knighthood in return. 
When Princess Anna is captured by a dragon, Jack and 
his friend Albert, the wisecracking court jester, set off to 
slay the dragon and save the Princess. 


Additional text is present on SCP-1638-J but it's all Greek to me. 


SCP-1638-J is not dated and its country of origin is unknown. 
SCP-1638-J was recoveredon - - ,adark and stormy night, from 
a printing house in Vienna. 


Anyone writing about SCP-1638-J will tend to use more clichéd 
phrases than you can shake a stick at. This effect is unintentional 
and subjects are unaware of any alterations to their writing style. As 
for why SCP-1638-J has this effect, God only knows. 


Last but not least, the novels alluded to by SCP-1638-J have not 


been located as of - - .Asno progress has been made, the 
Foundation have thrown in the towel and ceased all searching for 
the novels. 


That's the way the cookie crumbles. 
Notes: 


When it comes to SCP-1638-J what you see is what you get, it's not 
rocket science. Our resources are stretched thin at the moment and 
when push comes to shove there is no need for further 
experimentation on SCP-1638-J currently. Dr. 


| disagree, you can't judge a book by its cover. Dr. 


SCP-7000-J: Veni, Vidi, [DATA EXPUNGED] 


Item #: SCP-7000-J 
Object Class: Safe Thaumiel 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-7000-d is to be kept ina 
standard containment locker at Site-58. The contents of SCP-7000-J 
are not to be read aloud under any circumstances. MTF Sigma-395 
"Vandal Hordes" are to monitor all global networks for usage of 
SCP-7000-J-A and terminate as needed. 


Description: SCP-7000-J is a book bound in velociraptor skin with 
pages made of thin iron tablets. The book claims to contain a spell 
to summon the Mc erson, an extremely powerful 
and hostile reality-bending entity. 


Excerpt from Chapter 1 of SCP-7000-J: 


SPEAK THE WORDS OF SUPREME DARKNESS AND 
YE SHALL SUMMON HIM 


THE WORDS OF SUPREME DARKNESS ARE AS 
FOLLOWS 


AND BY SPEAKING WHAT COMES, YE SHALL 
SUMMON HIM 


FOR THESE WORDS ARE SUPREMELY DARK 
TO SUMMON: 


Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. 
Quisque ac ante lacus. Vestibulum in sem molestie, 
lobortis nulla nec, faucibus urna. Quisque mauris nulla, 
ullamcorper vel auctor ac, egestas ut neque. Sed 
consectetur tortor et diam porta, ultricies vehicula erat 
fermentum. Praesent nulla mi, facilisis nec arcu ut, 


laoreet placerat est. Vestibulum ornare consequat 
pretium. Ut eu libero id neque luctus viverra. Sed non 
massa pulvinar tellus aliquet tempus. Praesent ex risus, 
rutrum vel sapien in, tempus vehicula dolor. Suspendisse 
sit amet turpis arcu. Nam finibus commodo quam, nec 
malesuada ex tempus et. Pellentesque aliquam est vitae 
erat faucibus, eget aliquam ligula faucibus... 


The majority of the book, around 70%, contains the incantation, 
which is "Lorem lpsum" nonsense-Latin placeholder text. It is 
believed that this is due to a printing error of a copy of a more 


dangerous book. 


Update: During testing, D-5138 was instructed to speak the 

contents of SCP-7000-J aloud. This resulted in a dimensional gate 
materializing at Site-58, through which 
began to enter. D-5138 was terminated and the gate was closed 
through the simultaneous use of 517 Scranton Reality Anchors duct- 


taped onto each other. 


Mc erson