Sgt. Masterson: We've never ordered pizza from there 
before. 


22: Uh, it's an incentive to order from there more. 
RA Vance: Hey, I'm not arguing with a free pizza. 
Dr. Fellini: Agreed. Go get that pizza. 


RA Vance rises to open SCP-2317-J. At this moment, 
Dr. Kain Pathos Crow enters the containment cell. 


Dr. Crow: What's going on here? 
Dr. Choi: We're about to get a free pizza. 
Dr. Crow: Nice! From where? 


Sgt. Masterson: Scarlet King's Pies, it's an incentive to 
buy from there more. 


RA Vance continues to proceed to SCP-2317-J. Dr. 
Crow notices and reads the sticky note posted to it. 


Dr. Crow: Wait, stop! The only thing behind that door is 
SCP-2317-JK! 


RA Vance, Sgt. Masterson, Dr. Choi, Dr. Fellini: Gasp! 
Dr. Choi: There is no pizza, is there!? 


SCP-2317-JK: AND | WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY 
WITH IT TOO, IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR YOU AND 
YOUR LITTLE DOG! 


Due to every member of the SCP-2317-J containment 
staff poorly timing their vacations, every position on the 
staff was being filled by D-Class workers. 


SCP-2317-JK: HEY, ARE WE NOT PLAYING CHESS 
THIS WEEK? 


D-28191: We're not the normal guys, we're just temps. 
D-17095: Yeah, we're just criminals working the job. 


SCP-2317-JK: WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN 
OPENING THE DOOR? 


D-28191: They specifically told us to not do that. That's 
like, the one thing we aren't supposed to do. 


SCP-2317-JK: OH COME ON, LIVE A LITTLE! HAVE 
SOME FUN! BREAK SOME RULES! 


D-17095: Why would it be fun to open a door? 
D-37474: Hey, what's the harm? Let's open the door! 
D-28191: | haven't had this much fun in years! 


D-37474 opens SCP-2317-J, revealing SCP-2317-JK 
crouched down on the other side. 


D-37474: Maybe | shouldn't have done that. 


SCP-2317-JK: AFTER FOUR THOUSAND YEARS, | 
AM FINALLY FREE! MUHAHAHAHAHA! 


SCP-2317-JK attempts to crawl through SCP-231 7-J 
head first. However, its head is too large, and cannot fit 
through. 


SCP-2317-JK: | SEEM TO HAVE PUT ON A FEW 
POUNDS SINCE THE LAST TIME, LET'S TRY A 
DIFFERENT STRATEGY. 


SCP-2317-JK attempts to poke a single finger through 
SCP-2317-J, but, again, is too large and cannot fit 
through. 


D-28191: They were worried that this guy could end the 
world? 


SCP-2317-JK: FUCK YOU TOO, PAL! | COULD END 
THE WORLD WITHOUT RAISING A SWEAT IF | 
COULD JUST FIT THROUGH THIS DAMN DOOR! 


D-17095: But you're a hundred mile tall demon, you're 
never going to fit through. 


SCP-2317-JK: THAT'S IT! 


SCP-2317-JK raises its head, and exhales fire upon 
SCP-2317-J. Fire briefly appears in the containment cell, 
with no important casualties. 


D-37474: Ow, | think he singed my eyebrows off. 
D-17095: Oh god, D-28191 is dead! 


SCP-2317-JK: (PANTING) HOLD ON, GIVE ME AN 
AEON TO CATCH MY FIRE BREATH. I'LL GET YOU 
ON THE NEXT TIME. 


D-17095 stands up and walks toward SCP-2317-J. 


SCP-2317-JK: WAIT, NO! DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR! 
STOP! I'LL GIVE YOU PIZZA! | ACTUALLY MADE A 
PIZZA TO TRICK THEM ONE TIME! 


D-37474: You know, that pizza offer is actually pretty 
tempting... 


D-17095 closes SCP-2317-J. 
SCP-2317-JK: GOD BLESS IT. 


Footnotes 

1.The O5 Council has decided that Apollyon is dumb, because it 
goes against the very ideology of the Foundation, is only used to 
make SCPs seem scarier and is generally appalling.- 05-13 


SCP-930-J: You little rascal! 


Item #: SCP-930-J 


Object Class: Euclid, if you don't let the cute little bugger out of 
your sight. 


Special Containment Procedures: I'm in a bit of a hurry for my 
dinner date, but | can give you the run-down while I'm here! 
SCP-930-J really likes apple juice, so | have a few extra cartons in 
the fridge which should have enough by the time | get back. For 
dinner tonight, there's a box of microwavable french fries for dinner, 
which is around when some kids’ specials should come on TV. 
That'll at least keep it occupied for a couple hours. Try to keep a 
watch on it whenever possible. If it disappears when you're not 
looking at it, just leave some apple juice out. Oh yeah, if you want to 
order some takeout or eat any meat, wait until it sleeps before going 
out to get something. And don't bring it back in the house. The kid 
likes to make a mess. 


Bathing? | already gave the little tyke a bath before you arrived, but 
in case it somehow finds a way to get even dirtier, just start up the 
bath. It really likes very hot temperatures, so make sure to crank the 
temperature up all the way. There's also a box of rubber ducks 
nearby for it to chew on while it gets bathed. 


If SCP-930-J falls asleep, it's best to just leave it sleeping wherever 
it is. If it sleeps close enough to its bedroom, you can probably risk 
rolling it over to the bedroom. Don't worry about the way the texture 
feels, it'll probably be the only time you need to touch it, but be sure 
to roll it back into bed as quickly as you can. Really, once it falls 
asleep, it's more or less out for the next 48 hours. You just need to 
wait until | get back after that. 


If anything goes wrong and it starts acting crazed, text me and 
immediately sprint 50 meters out of the house. Any direction. You 
have my number if you need it. 


Description: SCP-930-J is a cute little ball of assorted tentacles and 
mouths, isn't it? | named it Daniel! | tried measuring it a few times 
before, and | got approximately 230 cm in diameter, but it's sort of 
hard to do that with everything in the way. It also kept trying to bite 
my fingers, and | didn't want to give it a taste for blood again. | think 
it's mostly pacified by this point. 


There's sort of weird, sticky texture that covers it. It's gelatinous, but 
it feels weirder than that. Do you know what rotten egg smells like? 
Imagine that except you feel it all over. Even though it feels weird, 
it'll pacify you and try to absorb you in it if you touch it long enough. 
Its tentacles infrequently ooze black sludge, but not too much. | 
wouldn't taste it if | were you. 


It gets shy real easily, and wants to hide whenever it can. It'll come 
back quickly enough if you leave something out for it to eat or drink. 
The sense of smell it has is very impressive! 


Discovery: Where did | find it? Well, | was driving to buy some 
groceries around a year ago, and | passed this farm. The farm's out 
of the town by quite a few miles, you might have seen it on your way 
here. When | passed there, | found a bunch of sheep just dead out 
in the front. Poor things. Absolutely torn to shreds. SCP-930-J was 
hopping around in a crater nearby, sounding really crazed. 


| managed to subdue it before it could leave the farm and cause 
havoc elsewhere. | saw there were some sort of runes nearby, but | 
couldn't decipher them. Anyway, you can't just leave something like 
that there, you know? | wanted to take it back here and at least raise 
it until | could understand it better or whatever family it has comes to 
pick it up again. 


Oh, no, don't worry, nothing will happen. It can be a bit of a 
troublemaker, but nothing you can't handle, I'm sure! You two have 
fun! 


SCP-50-AE-J: The Deagle 


Item #: SCP-50-AE-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-50-AE-J is to be kept ina 
steel box locked with a padlock and wrapped in an American flag. 
The box containing SCP-50-AE-J is to be kept away from the 
following: Russian literature, radios, the Pope, first generation 
Russian immigrants, and pictures of Ronald Reagan. In case of 
[REDACTED] security staff are to begin humming the Star Spangled 
Banner while weeping a single tear. 


Description: SCP-50-AE-J is an IMI Desert Eagle, with an 
American flag print grip. SCP-50-AE-J is unremarkable except for 
the fact that when fired, an adult bald eagle, designated SCP-50- 
AE-1, emerges from the barrel and attacks anyone who displays 
Communist beliefs, Russian ancestry, or unpatriotic leanings. 
SCP-50-AE-1 differs from a normal bald eagle specimen in that it 
not only appears to be able to detect sociopolitical beliefs, but also 
can talk, usually screaming slogans such as "Better dead than red" 
and "Democracy is non-negotiable". Investigations into the further 
properties of SCP-50-AE-1 have been stymied by the fact that 
SCP-50-AE-1 continues to attack Foundation scientists, calling them 
"PINKO FUCKS". 


Test Log: SCP-50-AE-J 


Test #1: SCP-50-AE-J was fired at a Class-D test subject, D-1409. 
SCP-50-AE-1 emerged, and savaged D-1409, while yelling "UP 
YOUR LEBENSRAUM YOU UBERMENSCH FUCk". D-1409 was 
later discovered to be of predominantly German heritage, but was a 
2nd generation American immigrant with full citizenship. 


Discoveries: SCP-50-AE-1 appears to be able to distinguish 
genetic and racial information in its targets. SCP-50-AE-1 also 


appears to have a profound dislike of Germans. D-1409 is to be 
incinerated entirely, after his testicles are recovered from SCP-50- 
AE-1. 


Test #2: SCP-50-AE-J was fired at Class-D test subject D-6554. 
SCP-50-AE-1 emerged, and following its usual pattern of behavior, 
disemboweled D-6554 while simultaneously screeching "The only 
good communist is a communist with his guts held in my dripping 
claws". D-6554's death was later discovered to have been hastened 
by anaphylactic shock from an allergic reaction, caused by 
particulates in his lungs found to be consistent with matter from 
[REDACTED]. A follow up investigation confirmed that D-1409 had 
performed a test involving [REDACTED], shortly before testing with 
SCP-50-AE-J began. 


Discoveries: SCP-50-AE-1 is a consistent entity, and appears to be 
summoned rather than created when SCP-50-AE-J is fired. 
Research into effects this could have upon containment are 
ongoing. 


SCP-554-1. Contaminated personnel are to be designated 
SCP-554-2 and conveyed to the Sector-25 facility; they should 
be kept under 24-hour surveillance by at least two staff 
members to delay a 554-Boojum event. Next of kin should be 
informed that SCP-554-2 has been diagnosed with a terminal 
medical condition. Video-link or in extremis personal contact 
with SCP-554-2 is authorised at the discretion of sector 
management; suitable steps should be taken to safeguard the 
secrecy of Sector-25. 


Level 5 Access Required 


* 451-Cachichin: Where images or footage of 
SCP-554-1 has become public knowledge and has 
proven effective at transmitting the SCP-554 
effect. SCP-554 is to be reclassified Keter with 
immediate effect. High explosives to be used to 
destroy SCP-554. If neutralisation efforts prove 
ineffective, following protocols are to be 
implemented in order provided below until 
containment is re-established. 


©. Whitehouse Protocol: Electronic 
communications to be disabled worldwide to 
prevent transmission of SCP-554 effect. 
State approval is to be sought wherever 
possible - otherwise Foundation assets are 
to be directed to sabotage relevant 
infrastructure. 

© Ameles Protocol: Use of Project LETHE 
authorised. Contaminated objects, 
individuals, and electronic infrastructure are 
to be destroyed. 

© Wyndham Protocol: Orbital assets to be 
used to neutralise human optic nerves in 
area of contamination to prevent further 
transmission. 


Description: SCP-554 is a structure located on Culver Down, Isle of 
Wight, England. Its date of construction and original purpose are 
unclear, but photographs taken from the nearby Holiday Park 


SCP-2001-J: Laser Butt Disease 


Item #: SCP-2001-J 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: Samples of SCP-2001-J are to 
be thoroughly destroyed after testing. 


Description: SCP-2001-J is a species of mammalian gut flora which 
is a variant of Lactobacillus reuteri. Upon consumption of foodstuff 
contaminated by SCP-2001-J, a mammal's native population of 
Lactobacillus reuteri will be replaced by SCP-2001-J. This process 
occurs over a period of two to three days, and typically goes 
unnoticed by the host organism. 


When a coherent population of SCP-2001-J is agitated, as may 
occur due to gastrointestinal stresses, they adhere to one another, a 
process which is facilitated by rapid generation of cobalamin. 
SCP-2001-J bacteria will align along the common axis of cobalamin 
generation. This process causes a thin, unicellular sheet of 
SCP-2001-J to form. When agitation ceases, SCP-2001-J will 
coherently bioluminesce along the axis perpendicular to the sheet. 
The degree of luminescence involved is in the order of 3 watts per 
SCP-2001-J bacterium, however, the luminescence will typically 
cease after approximately 50 milliseconds. This results in a directed, 
coherent light source similar to that of a multiple kilowatt laser, 
projected from the posterior of the infectee. 


Addendum 1: Research into weaponising SCP-2001-J is ongoing. 


Addendum 2: The first MTF team equipped exclusively with 
SCP-2001-J infections, "Laser Butt Squad", has been created to 
combat the spread of SCP-789-J. 


SCP-1040-J: A Dangerous Mental Contagion 


Item #: SCP-1040-J 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: Plan 1040-Omega is to be 
implemented as soon as possible by way of Foundation front 
Society of Concerned Parents. After implementation, it is to remain 
in effect perpetually. 


Description: SCP-1040-J is an effect, first documented in 1998, 1! 
that has spread in scope from the early 20th Century onwards to 
now affect the vast majority of adult humans in the United States. 


Subjects under the influence of SCP-1040-J are beholden to a 
complex internal logic that, to this date, has defied all attempts at 
analysis. They will repeatedly display behavior harmful to 
themselves and others, the scope and severity of which constitutes 
a Keter-level threat. Left unchecked, SCP-1040-J has the potential 
to cause an Ak-class end-of-civilization scenario. 


Further characterization of SCP-1040-J is ongoing. 


Selected 1040-J Incidents. Level 2 and above only. 


Incident 1040-J-264 

Vehicle: 1997 Dodge Grand Caravan 

Driver: Caucasian female, circa 75yo 

Description: Subject 264 was observed to repeatedly 
attempt to move into highway traffic at circa 5-10mph 
below the average speed of the prevailing traffic flow, 
almost striking Foundation researcher Dr. D. D 's 
vehicle. 


Incident 1040-J-030 


Vehicle: 2012 Dodge Ram 

Driver: African-American female, est. 25yo 
Description: Subject 030 was observed applying 
cosmetic products to her face at a stop light; when the 
light changed, Subject 030 suddenly accelerated, 
narrowly missing the vehicle of Foundation researcher 
Dr. D. D 


Incident 1040-J-1054 

Vehicle: 2007 Ford Mustang GT 

Driver: Asian male, est. 40yo 

Description: Subject 1054 was observed to abruptly pull 
into the right lane of Interstate north of and 
immediately decelerate for no discernible reason. 
Foundation researcher Dr. D. D , who was previously 
maintaining a sensible two-meter following distance, was 
forced to initiate emergency maneuvers. 


Incident 1040-J-667 

Vehicle: 2009 Ford Escape 

Driver: Caucasian female, est. 30yo 

Description: Subject 667 remained stopped for approx. 
3 sec too long at a Stop sign when prevailing conditions 
clearly allowed the subject to proceed, leading another 
vehicle?, coming up behind, to collide with Vehicle-667's 
rear bumper. 


Incident 1040-J-658 

Vehicle: 2006 Honda Civic 

Driver: Foundation researcher Dr. A. Estevez 
Description: On / / _ , Foundation researcher Dr. D. 
D 's vehicle was deliberately struck by that of 
Foundation researcher Dr. A. Estevez. Displaying typical 
SCP-1040-J-influenced behavior, Dr. Estevez suggested 
that the reason for the collision was in fact Dr. D 

looking at text messages on his cellular phone while 
driving through the Site- parking lot. However, evidence 
provided by leading experts on SCP-1040-J3 suggests 
that the probability of such a sequence of events 
approaches zero.