Kildare went into the office and sat in front of Lisbourne's PC. Mint 
trailed after him and set the tape recorder on the desk. 


Your files have been crypted with 4&2@STRONGEST 
cryption software IN THE UNIVERSE$(*. Pay 2 bitchcoin 
for private decryption key within 120 hours or your files 
will be crypted “*+for always and eternity huehuehue&! 
@. Follow instruction carefully ! 


"What the fuck is a bitchcoin?" said Kildare. 
"Are Mr. Lisbourne's things safe?" 


Kildare nodded at the external hard drive, sitting disconnected on 
the desk a couple feet away. "| haven't checked them to be sure." 


"I'll do it." Mint took the drive and gestured to the monitor. "Take a 
photo of that and describe it for the audio log." 


"Wait, wait. Sir. Are they—" He stood and leaned near Mint, lowering 
his voice to a whisper. "Will | be sacked for this?" 


"Let me handle it." 


Mint crossed the room to the row of guinea pig PCs. Kildare sat 
back down and pointed the recorder towards himself. 


"lam currently looking at Drive Doctor's ransom screen," he said. 
"This is very certainly a CRT monitor. The screen reads, quote, ‘your 
files have been crypted with strongest cryption software in the 
universe’..." 


Spring Cleaning 


Designation: TNO-10000 

Description: A short bronze sword, a cashew-shaped 
jade magatama bead pierced with a hole, and a circular 
mirror bearing an eight-pointed star design. 

Recovery: Nagoya, Tokyo and Ise, Japan 


Designation:EXC-410 

Description: A long iron sword, rusted and deeply 
scratched, constructed in the Welsh or Mercian style, c. 
5th century. The haft was evidently encrusted with 
diamonds, topazes and jacinth, most of which are now 
missing. The legend "R.ART" is inscribed on the hilt, and 
the word "caledfwich" is inscribed in smaller lettering on 
the blade, near the hilt. 

Recovery: Dozmary Pool, Cornwall, United Kingdom 


Designation: SeZ-08 

Description: A curved sword in the Persian style, 
decorated with emeralds. 

Recovery: Zahrgiah, Iran 


Designation:MJL-436 
Description: A heavy iron hammer with a short handle. 
Recovery: Trandelag, Norway 


Designation:PRN-881 

Description: A bronze axe head, decorated with zig-zag 
markings and an inscription in proto-Slavic glyphs. There 
is a knob-like protrusion on the bottom of the axe head, 
and a hole drilled through the axe. 

Recovery: Peryn island near Novgorod, Russia 


Designation:DRK- 1596 
Description: A snare drum, decorated with a heraldic 
coat-of-arms. Drum is dated to the late 16th century, and 


bears evidence of salt contamination consistent with long 
exposure to maritime environment. 
Recovery: Buckland Abbey, England 


“Are the swords even sharp?” “Not really, Doc.” “Just... just throw 
that crap in the dumpster, then. Keep the valuable-looking gems.” 


The staff at Site-33 seemed to think that they had a keen wit when it 
came to nicknames. Site-33 itself, of course, was “Rolling Rock”. Its 
director, the bearded, bespectacled Dr. Sanders, was “the Colonel” 
(though never to his face). And the building designated General 
Non-Anomalous Testing and Containment (GNATC) was “Granny’s 
Attic”. If the Foundation was in possession of a specimen or an 
object that turned out to not be anomalous-that is to say, safer than 
Safe-well, it generally ended up in the Attic. 


Designation: BDH-483 

Description: A human left canine tooth, with trace 
amounts of ash of burnt sandalwood and pork proteins. 
Recovery: Kandy, Sri Lanka 


“Who even brought that thing here, the tooth fairy? Trash, trash.” 


In theory, things in the Attic (being non-anomalous and therefore not 
interesting) would eventually be processed in one way or another. 
That glowing worm that turned out to be a bioluminescent animal 
unknown to science but otherwise uninteresting? Released back into 
the cave where it had been found. That tour bus of Mexican pilgrims 
to Guadalupe who had been contained on suspicion of having been 
infected by a dangerous meme? Heavily dosed with amnestics and 
dropped off at the roadside. Who knows, maybe some of them made 
it back home to the loved ones who had last seen them eleven years 
ago. 


In theory. In practice, processing non-anomalous items was the kind 
of duty that none of the Site-33 researchers seemed to ever really 
get around to doing. There was too much interesting work to be 
done on the SCP-level objects, you see. And so, an object in the 


Attic tended to stay in the Attic. 


Designation: HFR-019 

Description: A live, healthy, unblemished cow, red in 
color. All of the cow's hairs are absolutely straight. 
Recovery: , Israel 


“Anybody want a burger?” 


On February 7, Dr. Jerome Savonarola found himself in the Penalty 
Box. The PB (officially, the “Processing Bureau”) was the office 
charged with running the Attic. This office was normally vacant, but 
from time to time the Colonel would assign personnel there, more as 
penance or to get someone out of the way than in order to ensure 
the fulfillment of the duties of that office. In this case, Savonarola 
had (according to the Colonel) bungled the containment protocol of 
Site-33’s colony of SCP-831. (“How was | supposed to know that 
D-29934 had a loose dental filling?”). Before the napalm had even 
been hosed away, it was “off to the PB with you, Jerry. Maybe a tour 
of duty in the Attic for a few weeks will remind you to follow protocol 
to the letter.” 


Designation: ANG-1430-G 

Description: A handwritten manuscript, written in the 
Punjabi language in Gurmukhi script and dating from the 
16th-18th centuries. 

Recovery: Amritsar, India 


Designation: MHM-PBUH-J 

Description: A single leather sandal with two straps. 
Footwear dated to c. 7th century. 

Recovery: Topkap! Palace, Turkey. Replaced with 
replica. 


Designation: VSNU-08 

Description: A white conch shell decorated with a 
representation of the Hindu god Vishnu. 
Recovery: Travancore, India. 


Designation: DFSH-KV-6 

Description: A purple leather-backed cloth flag, bearing a 
star-shaped emblem. There are traces of adhesives 
indicating that gemstones or minerals, now missing, 
were once affixed to the flag. 

Recovery: Qadisiyyah, Iraq 


Designation: IAGO-859 

Description: A swallow-tailed canvas banner, suspended 
from a crossbar in an identical manner to the ancient 
Roman vexillum. The banner was probably originally 
white in color but is heavily soiled. 

Recovery: Santiago de Compostela, Spain 


Designation: ARGO-001 

Description: A sheepskin dated to the 8th century BCE, 
the wool intact being yellowish in color. The sheepskin 
indicates that the ram had anatomical irregularities in the 
region of the scapula. 

Recovery: Colchis, Republic of Georgia 


“Scribble-scrabble, a stinky shoe, rags and a wad of wool. Ugh. 
Pitch ‘em.” 


Protocol to the letter. Have it your way, Colonel. As long as I’m here, 
I'll follow the GNATC manual to the literal letter, just like that old 
passive-aggressive soldiers’ trick for coping with a martinet of an 
officer. Particularly, Procedure TRS-B, which expressly requires the 
Site PB duty officer the duty to “expeditiously process GNATC items 
with a view towards minimizing expenses of continued maintenance 
and storage.” If they want me to take out the trash, that’s what I'll do. 


Designation: LNG-1022-K 

Description: A Roman spear, dated to c. 1st century. The 
blade of the spear is surrounded by a golden sleeve 
bearing Latin text and affixing an iron nail to the blade. 
Recovery: Schatzkammer, Vienna. Replaced with 
replica. 


Designation: QAB-0007-B 

Description: A collection of mineral fragments, 
approximately 20 cm x 16 cm, cemented together and 
encased in a roughly elliptical silver frame. The 
fragments are black in color and composed of agate with 
trace amounts of iron. Analysis suggests that the 
fragments are meteoric or impactite in origin. 

Recovery: _ , Arabia. Replaced with replica. 


Designation: ARJ-1000-503-580-500-100-L 
Description: A bow, decorated with gold embossment 
and with faintly luminescent ends. A Sanskrit inscription 
near the grip bears the word "Gandiva". 

Recovery: Kurukshetra, India 


Designation: EIR-TUA-THA 

Description: A pillar-shaped stone approximately 1.5 
meters in height, an iron cauldron, a spear with an 
integrated sling for firing small stones, and an iron sword. 
Recovery: Tara, Ireland 


Designation: HYK-492 

Description: An oversized arrow in the Armenian style, 
with bronze head 

Recovery: Dyutsaznamart, Turkey 


Designation: SOL-KTM 
Description: An iron signet ring, hexagrammatic in form. 
Recovery: Temple Mount, Jerusalem 


Designation: KSMR-ZOR 
Description: A living branch cutting of a cypress tree. 
Recovery: Razavi Khorasan, Iran 


Designation: FLAM-001 

Description: Vessels of various sizes, each containing a 
reddish powder, largely comprised of a rare isotope of 
mercury. 

Recovery: Various locations including the cornerstone of 
Temple Mount, Jerusalem, and the crypt of the 
Dominican church of St. Andreas, Cologne, Germany. 


Designation: JMSH-062 

Description: Brass and crystal cup with a reflective basin, 
decorated in the Achaemenid style. 

Recovery: Persepolis, Iran. 


Designation: SHI-0259-C 

Description: White jade seal, dated to third century B.C. 
The seal is square, with one corner chipped off and 
restored with gold. The words "Having received the 
Mandate from Heaven, may he lead a long and 
prosperous life" are inscribed on the seal in an archaic 
form of Chinese seal script. 

Recovery: , China. 


“Sticks and stones. Charming. Dumpster. Keep the gold, though.” 


As it turned out, the Penalty Box could be surprisingly cathartic. A 
few more dumpster-loads, and there’d be nearly enough room in 
here for a squash court. 


Designation: MOR- 1823-1 

Description: A collection of rectangular plates, 
approximately 26 kg in total mass. The plates are 
comprised of gold and are extensively inscribed in a 
dialect of Egyptian used in the Western hemisphere 
between approximately 2600 BCE and 421 CE. 
Recovery: Cumorah, New York. 


“Gold, again. More of it, this time. Melt it down, and put the resulting 
ingots in the trunk of my car. |, er, have some research in mind.” 


Designation: INRH-27-32-66-D 

Description: A collection of fragments of cedar, pine and 
cypress wood which, when re-assembled, comprise two 
beams, the first being approximately 3.7 meters in length 
and the second being approximately 2 meters in length, 
with the two beams having an aggregate mass of 
approximately 75 kg. The collection also includes iron 
nails. There is residue of vinegar and human blood on 


the nails and some of the wood fragments, with the blood 
matching that from CLX-1337-A. 

Recovery: Various locations. Largest single fragment 
recovered from Gishen Mariam, Ethiopia. 


Designation: CLX-1337-A 

Description: An olive wood cup, dated to 1st century B.C. 
Analysis indicates trace residue of Levantine grape wine, 
myrrh and human blood in the cup. An Aramaic- 
language inscription reads "Joseph of Arimathea". The 
letters "GALAH" appear roughly carved near the base, 
with the style of lettering indicating a pre-Norman British 
origin. 

Recovery: [DATA REDACTED] 


“Incinerator. Why are you looking at me like that?” 


Dr. Heiden: Elaborate, D-14454. 


D-14454: Shh. Shhhh, it'll find me! I... | think | can hear 
it! 


[D-14454 recoils in his seat, pressing himself as deeply 
into the steel frame as possible] 


D-14454: [whispering] Doctor, get me out of here, 
please, please... 


Dr. Heiden: The experiment is not complete, D-14454. 
We will proceed. 


D-14454: Shhh! 
[Four minutes pass] 


D-14454: It's getting closer, we've got to get out of here! 
We have to lea- 


[D-14454's eyes widen and he stops speaking for a 
moment.] 


D-14454: It heard me! It heard me! /t heard me! 
[D-14454 begins struggling against the chair's restraints] 
D-14454: It can see me! 

Dr. Heiden: D-14454, what do you see? What is ‘it’? 
D-14454: It's got me! No! No, no, no, n- 


[Subject D-14454 expired due to a myocardial infarction 
at this point, and ceased communication. ] 


Experiment Log 943-3 


Subject D-31415 was convicted of murder in the second 
degree. 


Dr. Heiden: The bracelet, D-31415. 


Star-bound 


It was a beautiful winter evening at Site-197 in , [REDACTED]. 
The air, while cold, brought crisp relief to those who labored away in 
the building's decrepit interior. Though it dominated the picturesque 
landscape, one could easily tell that it was long overdue for 
renovation. A curious researcher would later discover with pleasure 
that it was the longest-standing Foundation institution remaining in 
service. A few musty old bookshelves inhabited its rather diminutive 
library, and one could often spy a cricket or line of ants in the 
corners of the more ancient bunk rooms. 


The pristine little hideaway was tasked with housing some of the 
most dangerous and mysterious objects in human history - in reality, 
the site was known as a repository for the more mundane artifacts to 
grace the Foundation collection. A few boxes secured under the 
watchful eyes of armed men could occasionally be seen by the off- 
duty loiterer, and if you were lucky, you might bear witness to a 
humanoid containment cell. 


It was all quite boring, really. But the old doctor, Oppenheimer, loved 
it like it was home. He would bandage the burns, bites and 
scratches of fresh recruits with the care of a loving Uncle. The old 
veterans would grin when he strolled by. 


"Doc, put down the syringe, huh?" they would joke, whenever they 
walked in on him checking on the medical equipment in the supply 
closet. He would smile; they were utterly kind, something that 
pleased him greatly. 


He would smile and look away. 


Cassandra, the on-site counselor - almost as ancient as he was, a 
fact that he chuckled softly at - would alight up from her seat 
whenever he would walk on by, encouraging him to take a minute 
and sit with her to talk. 


"No, no," he would laugh. "Too much to do." 


Each wound he treated brought him back to his days in Angola, as 
an aid worker. Yes, he thought, it was very, very similar to Angola. 
Boys far too young to be fighting were blinded, crippled, and 
concussed. The site had always been a maze for him, but these 
days it was even more so; it seemed like they added a new wing 
each day. 


On a particularly blustery December afternoon, after retiring to his 
office, Oppenheimer decided to look at the stars. 


Pulling over his sofa chair to the window, he put on the kettle for 
some tea - and then stopped. 


"No," he said. "No tea for tonight." 


He put a chair by the door. Doors, in the facility, had no locks, if they 
weren't built for containment. He didn't want to be disturbed. He 
rarely stargazed, and this was certainly not an occasion for 
unwanted visitors. 


He sat down in the comfortable sofa, sighing in content. He took out 
his notepad (he would affectionately call it his "Tycho's book") and a 
dark, freshly sharpened pencil. 


After a few minutes of sketching constellations, he put down his 
instruments. 


"How beautiful the stars are tonight! If only," he thought wistfully, "I 
could go to them. Then, | could witness them in all of their glory." 
Yes. Oh, that would make him so happy. 


He reached into his back pocket, and took out a packet of his pills. 
He slit open the bag carefully with a pin, so not to prick his fingers. 
He took one, swallowing it as if it was a delectable mallow. 


He took another. He took a third, a fourth, a fifth, a sixth. He took the 
last pill in the packet, and put the wrapper on the armrest. 


"Yes." He closed his eyes happily. "The stars are truly beautiful." 


Mortician's report 

Expired: Doctor Roger Oppenheimer, age 89 

Location: Site 19