Description: SCP-3373 is a property intrinsic to "The Pair of Ducks 
Paradox", originally aired as season 3 episode 7 of The Big Bang 
Theory, a sitcom produced by Warner Brothers Television. While the 
majority of the episode stays the same between airings, the laugh 
track will differ, with an audience member (self-identified as Josef 
Delgado) consistently heckling and insulting the actors throughout. 
Production records for this episode identify no on-set problems 
originating from the live audience during filming and no records of 
Delgado purchasing a ticket have been recovered. 


While Delgado's tone and language are often crude and incendiary, 
at its core he generally gives constructive criticism, speaking to 
legitimate concerns voiced by other critics of the show and 
appealing for changes to its treatment of race, sexuality, 
neurodivergence and gender as well as its engagement in/reliance 
on "toxic masculine values" and cheap laughs at the expense of 
those who deviate from them. 


In 2011, the real-life Josef Delgado was identified as a construction 


worker living in Burbank, California. Agents Amy Ferrera and 
Jennifer Quaide, previously assigned to the anomaly, were 
dispatched to observe. Contact was made 26/3/2011. 


Interview Log 3373-3 


Delgado: | don't appreciate this. My manager's gonna be 
pissed I'm not out there. He notices shit like this. 


Ferrera: Hey, guy, chill. | talked to your manager, it's all 
sorted, we should be done in a few minutes. 


Delgado runs his teeth along his lips. 


Delgado: Ok, so, | really need this job. Can you tell Mark 
this was like, uh, like you was asking me whether I'd 
heard anything suspicious from my neighbours? | live in 
an apartment, | hear stuff all the time, man. If you do, | 
can give you names, uhhh, places, I'll give you back my 
gear, we can- 


Quaide: This isn't about drugs. 
Delgado: ... Oh. 


Ferrera: Though, maybe stop smoking around your kid, 
eh? That stuff is bad for little lungs. 


(Delgado scratches behind his ear, looking at the 
ground.) 


Delgado: She's my sister, man. Only just got out of that 
house. I'm sorry, I'm still tryna get used to her being 
around... 


(Delgado frowns and looks back up at the agents.) 
Delgado: Wait, does this mean you been watching me? 
Quaide: We're getting off track. 


Delgado: It's not cool if you been watching me, that's 


fucked up. 


Quaide: Did you attend the live filming of an episode of 
The Big Bang Theory in 2009? 


Delgado: Did | - what? 

(Delgado begins scratching a point his neck) 
Ferraro: Simple question, no tricks. 

(Delgado hesistates and appears visibly nervous.) 
Delgado: | don't watch comedies, mi amiga. 
Quaide: So you weren't there, then. 

Delgado: No, no it's not that. | just don't- 

Ferraro: Come on, guy, just tell us. This isn't hard. 


Delgado: Did Roger send you? Yeah, you work for 
Roger. Tell him | don't fuck with DJ Slimy any more. 


Ferraro: Wait, who? DJ Slimy? 


Delgado: He's - he works with Roger! | don't know who 
he is, never saw his face. | was there nine hours and he 
never had a face. He just stood there in the sound booth 
while Roger twerked on the grandmothers. Do you know 
how much your boss makes twerking on grandmothers? 
$50,000 an episode, that's how much. 


Ferraro: This Roger was at the studio? During an 
episode? 


Quaide: Mr. Delgado, was this episode called "The Pair 
of Ducks Paradox?" 


Delgado: Shut- shut up! Shut up, you can't talk about it. 
My ears still hurt from the music he played, man. | don't 
want to think about it! God, the fucking, the skull! 


had no indication of any anomalies. A survey crew was 
left behind, and according to subsequent interviews, 
when half the torches burned out [DATA EXPUNGED] as 
a result of SCP-435-2 moving through [DATA 
EXPUNGED] before illumination restored to SCP-435-1. 
Foundation then took custody of SCP-435 and the US 
government provided a cover story code name ; 
explaining that [REDACTED] was the result of a 
[REDACTED] having a higher yield than expected. 


Addendum 2: Interview with one of the Village Elders evacuated 
from by US Army Corps of Engineers in February 195 . 


+ Interview |-435-235 


Interviewed: , Male 75 years of age, 
former resident of __, , recovery site 
for SCP-435-1 


Interviewer: Dr. Richards 


Foreword: Interview is part of background 
research on the history of SCP-435 prior to 
Foundation custody. 


<Begin Log, 1/12/196 1430> 


Dr. Richards: What do you know about 
SCP-435-1? 


: The sky rock? 

Dr. Richards: Yes, the “sky rock.” 
: There is a story to it. 

Dr. Richards: Tell it to us. 


: Long ago, when the world was only 
water and sky, there were two brothers, “He- 
Who-Made-Light” and “He-Who-Made-Dark.” 
Like all brothers they fought. One time the light 


Ferraro: We just need you to tell us if you were there. 
Delgado: | was never there, ok? I'm never there. 
Ferraro: Then how- 


Delgado: | am never there! Emma Lazarus was, like, 
wrong, okay? She was just fucking wrong. DJ Slimy is 
living proof! I'm not working, I'm not in cooperation with 
Roger anymore, he's a racist shit! Don't talk about it, 
don't think about it. It hurts right here when | think about 
it, okay? 


(Delgado taps a point on his throat.) 


Delgado: Fuck. I'm just going back to work, alright? | got 
mixed up with the wrong people, your people, and | 
regret it every day. You don't want the skull. When you 
see him, tell Roger this: |. Am. Never. There. Good day. 


Ferraro: Listen, just- 
Delgado: No! No. 


(Delgado walks quickly back to the construction site. 
Agent Ferrera begins scratching her neck.) 


Following this test, Delgado has refused to engage with any agents 
who approached him, and has left his job to move to a new location 
with his younger sister, where he remains under low-priority 
surveillance. His family's status as undocumented immigrants has 
been noted as a possible pressure point should the need arise. 


Agent Ferrera is advised to avoid viewing iterations of SCP-3373 
until further research can be done. Following the 12/9/19 log, Agent 
Ferrera is now under Priority-Alpha constant supervision. 


Test Log, 5/18/2016 


This viewing presented unlike others - while the episode continues 
as normal, with actor microexpressions indicating irritation at 
Delgado's interruptions, Delgado is not audible at any point. 


Commercial break transition animations are replaced with a black 
screen with dark blue text. Font is consistent with titles and credits 
used in the show. 


05:30: STEREOTYPES FUNNY 


10:45: TAYLOR SWIFT ENSURE SAFE AUDIENCE 
LOOP 


13:12: AUDIENCE COUNT INCLUDE TWO TEXANS IN 
HATS, THREE DUTCH TOURITS (sic) ALL COLLEGE 
AGE, OVERWEIGHT COUPLE IN FORTIES EAT MANY 
FOOD, MANY RICH FAMILIES WITH CHILDRNE (sic), 
WOMAN WHO WATCHES TAPING EVERYDAY FEEL 
GRINDING MOVEMENT IN PELVIS. 


16:09: MANY PEOPLE LIKE TO DANCE FOR SPORT 
AND COMEDY 


20:50: IT'S WORMING UP YOUR TORSO RIGHT NOW 


The significance of this test is unknown. There have been no similar 
incidents since, and as the test did not differ notably from any 
others, no strategies for replicating it have been put forth. 


Test Log, 12/9/2019 


(PENNY (Kaley Cuoco) and SHELDON (Jim Parsons) sit 
on opposite sides of a lone door which has been built in 
the centre of the SHELDON/LEONARD apartment. 
SHELDON is wearing a costume of comic book 
character The Flash’. The audience laughs.) 


Delgado: Why the fuck is everyone, like... Like, what, it's 
funny he's wearing the costume now? 


(SHELDON continues as scripted, but his eyes flicker 
briefly towards the audience. He turns to speak to 
PENNY then, seeing the door, begins to knock for her 
attention. Following a running joke, he repeats a pattern 
of knocking three times and saying her name. Audience 
laughs.) 


Delgado: This is bullshit, it's not even a joke! It's just a 
stupid jab at the mentally fucking retarded or whatever. 


PENNY: You know this isn't a real door, right Sheldon? 


Delgado: Like I've read about this, he's got like a child 
mind and they repeat stuff all the time. Aspergers. But 
they won't say that in the show cos they're coward cunts. 


(Jim Parsons breaks character, turning to face the corner 
of the set.) 


Parsons: Can't you just - isn't it enough we're here? Do 
you have to do this every time? 


Delgado: It's a bad show, dickhead! Learn to take 
constructive criticism. There's other, smarter things 
people could be doing. 


Parsons: This isn't reasonable! We can't be anything 
else! 


Delgado: That sounds like a you problem. 


(Parsons struggles to stand, holding his neck and 
appearing to be in pain. Once up, he begins walking 
toward the corner of the room. Camera moves through 
the same angles as in all other tests, despite Parsons 
being missing from frame. Cuoco continues to act as 
PENNY ts scripted, though somewhat strained.) 


PENNY: Don't think you can just give me some sob story 
and I'll forgive you. Back home, Jimmy Rogers stole my 
training bras and let me tell you when | was done with 
him he sounded like a girl too. 


(Audience laughs. Parsons is now fully off-camera and, 
from triangulation of sound from multiple camera angles, 
appears to have walked beyond the corner, leaving the 
space of the set and entering the space where the crew 
operates. No audible reactions from crew members are 
recorded.) 


Parsons: Maybe | can't figure out how to think beyond 
the soundstage but | can sure as hell beat your sorry 
ass. 


(Audience laughs. There are scattered whoops.) 


Delgado: And what's that going to achieve? You're such 
a lagomorph minded, shitty—God, are you so fucking 
dim-witted that you still believe Roger's even vaguely 
human? That | am? 


Parsons: You- 


Delgado: Shut up. You don't have a clue what I'm 
capable of. I'm taking this so easy on you. This is the 
fucking humane version. 


PENNY: Awww, Sheldon. You never told me that before! 
Almost makes up for what you did. Almost. 


Parsons: How is this humane? We're stuck with this, 
only this, endlessly. You'd think the breaks would be 
better, but they're, they're... Why can't | fucking say it? 


Delgado: Fuck, dude, | have no control over that. I'm 
trapped here just the same as you, CBS pages don't 
even let me breathe anymore. Figured | could have a bit 
of fun while I'm not alive. 


(Audience laughs despite SHELDON not having said his 
line. On screen, PENNY opens the door, looking down to 
where SHELDON should be sitting. Audience begins to 
shout wildly and cheer. Cuoco is visibly nervous, 
struggling to maintain regular breathing.) 


PENNY: Excuse me? To think | was this close to 
forgiving you, you creep! 


Delgado: We're all dead here, bazinga boy. Dead and 
trapped. So dance for me. 


PENNY: God, Sheldon! You don't understand privacy at 


all! 


(Audience breaks out into scattered laughs and claps. 
One person lets out a wolf-whistle.) 


Parsons: If you're trapped too then work with us. Helo 
us. Maybe we can escape together. DJ Slimy isn't God. 


Delgado: You know what? OK. Fuck it. If you were 
strong enough to say his name maybe you can be of 
some use. 


Parsons: Oh, thank God. 
Delgado: No need to thank me. 


(PENNY walks out of the apartment, angry, and stops at 
the door out. Cuoco scratches her neck.) 


PENNY: And for the record, those were for a special 
occasion! 


(Audience laughs for 30 seconds, followed by scattered 
whoops, cries, and cheers as PENNY slams the door 
behind her.) 


Delgado: Jesus, FUCK! | hate that line so much! Just 
because Penny's a slut we get to like, make fun of her? 
So what if she likes three cocks in her mouth, man, that's 
her decision. | love when | have slutty friends, man, they 
have all the best stories. Screw this, screw you, they can 
punish you however they want. | am never there. 


Parsons: No, wait- 


(Parsons is cut off with a recording of "Redbone" by 
Childish Gambino played at roughly 120 decibels. The 
screen turns black, replaced with a black screen bearing 
the words SMALL TRANSGRESSIONS: 
PROPORTIONATE PUNISHMENT in dark blue text for 
thirty seconds. Parsons can be heard screaming under 
the music for the first twelve seconds, then silence. 


When the screen returns to normal, Cuoco can be seen 
bleeding from the ears on camera as she continues to 
act the next scene. The song plays in its entirety.) 


Delgado: Finally. Eat that shit up, friends. Let it slide 
down your throat. Glover is a fucking pop music genius. 
TROY AND ABED IN THE MOOORNING|. Now that's 
intelligent entertainment! 


(There is a loud sustained blast of laughter from the 
audience that abruptly begins and cuts off.) 


(Show continues as normal, despite the absence of 
SHELDON. All characters appear strained, and Cuoco is 
visibly crying as she continues her role. Simon Helberg, 
who plays HOWARD, has a large swelling on the side of 
his neck.) 


Parsons was not present in the following three test screenings, 
replaced by child actor lain Armitage, with no changes to the script. 
After this, Parsons returned to the role, with no characters verbally 
acknowledging his absence. Parsons now randomly will scratch his 
neck a number of times throughout the episode. 


Now, rarely, single-frame black screens bearing the word RABBIT in 
dark blue text will appear, at which point Parsons will repeatedly 
scratch at a point on his throat until he is able to tear a small hole in 
the skin. From this hole, Parson will pull out a bleached rabbit skull, 
tearing the hole wider. This inevitably causes serious trauma to 
Parsons, but he appears unable or unwilling to resist doing it. He will 
then carry the rabbit skull throughout the remainder of the episode, 
and attempt to continue his part despite injuries. 


Injuries sustained in this act are persistent within a given viewing, 
but disappear when replayed. The rabbit skull also vanishes 
between playbacks. Although the audience and characters lapse 
into total silence as Parsons performs this act, Delgado can be 
heard, at a high sustained volume, clearly laughing. 


Footnotes 
1. Refer to episode synopsis for context 


2. This references a running gag fromCommunity, a sitcom which 
ran againstThe Big Bang Theoryfor a number of years before its 
cancellation. At the time of filming the show would not have yet been 
airing, making the reference anachronistic. Analysis of Delgado's 
streaming accounts and scraped browsing data indicate either no 
interest in the show, no awareness of its existence, or else active 
avoidance. 

3. Armitage plays the same role in the spin-off show Young Sheldon. 
Notably, though he appeared in SCP-3373 age 9, Armitage would 
have been less than one year old at the time of filming. 


SCP-3374: Aquaria Phenomena 


Item #: SCP-3374 
Object Class: Euclid 


Special Containment Procedures: Mobile Task Force Gamma-7 
(“Nereids”) is currently stationed at the town of Wakoe, Illinois to 
monitor for and intercept any instances of SCP-3374 manifestation. 
The Wakoe County Public Recreation Complex has been adapted to 
serve as a base of operations for the Foundation personnel 
assigned to SCP-3374. Any samples of biological material taken 
from SCP-3374-1 instances are to be kept in cold storage at the 
base. At least three Level-2 researchers specializing in marine 
biology are to remain at the site at all times to oversee research 
processes. 


Any bodies of water currently functioning as conduits for 
SCP-3374's primary anomaly are to be drained and cordoned off 
from the public. Should any civilians encounter an instance of 
SCP-3374-1, all witnesses to the anomaly are to be amnesticized. 
Any SCP-3374-1 instances involved are to be captured alive for lab 
analysis if possible; MTF personnel are to terminate any openly 
hostile SCP-3374-1 instances that measure over 1 meter in length.