SCP-542 appears to have a previously unknown ability to be 
completely aware of his body's functions and workings constantly, 
even able to identify points of rotting or decay he should not be able 
to sense by any known means. This ability, however, has been 
shown to extend beyond his own body. He can passively sense the 
health and medical status of other humans within several meters of 
him, the range extending to approximately five meters when he 
focuses. He admits that he uses this process, which he doesn't 
understand himself, to pick his next victims. 


Addendum: SCP-542 has been proven to be the assailant in a 
string of 45 murders over the course of three years that occurred 
across Germany, England, and America, and is suspected of an 
additional, unconfirmed fifteen murders in that time span. He was 
first observed four years ago by Agent in , Germany, 
after four people had been attacked and had muscle, sinew, and 


scary old man covered in caustic goo, who can walk through walls 
and jump out at you. Alas, of all my efforts to prove my love to you, 
‘twas this one that | could not complete while you were still among 
us. | can only hope that wherever you are, that your beautiful smile 
lights up your face as you look down on us below, capering with this 
hideous monster that delights in inflicting unending torment for no 
real reason. Sincerely, Claude." 


Addendum 1733.2 - Sticky Note Found Attached Underneath DVR, 
Which Was Recovered After Several Years of Research for Some 
Reason - "LeBron James is the Michael Jordan of NEVER 
WINNING A CHAMPIONSHIP LOL u just got clowned son XD XD. - 
Todds" 


Addendum 2000-3: - The following letter was discovered taped to 
Clone Vat #B19 upon a routine cleaning: 


"Where to begin. | guess it all starts with my love of Hanna-Barbera 
cartoons. Who wouldn't appreciate things like mystery-solving great 
danes and a great white shark that plays the drums in a rock band? 
Classic. Now see here, | know | can't actually visit Jellystone Park 
because it doesn't exist. I'm not a child. But | can visit Yellowstone 
Park. Oh yes. 


Like all things in life, reality simply does not live up to the Hanna- 
Barberaverse. Sure, there were bears of varying sizes. And yes, 
they did occasionally steal pic-a-nic baskets from the unwary. There 
was even a particularly diligent park ranger that would give chase to 
the bears on these occasions, though he was probably pursuing the 
bears out of senility instead of duty. But it just wasn't the same. 
Where was the hat and tie? Where are the light hearted hijinks, 
when all the bears want to do is dig out the entrails of a nearby deer 
carcass? Where's the fun? 


There was only one thing left to do. Create a giant underground 
complex where | could let bears evolve into a more perfected Yogi- 
like form, while keeping humanity the same over the course of the 
millions of years that it would take to do this. What good is a bipedal 
bear announcing itself with "hey Boo-Boo" if there's no one there to 
properly appreciate it? 


At the end of my long life, I've made great strides. One sub-species 
of the park's local grizzly bears is definitely smaller, though sadly 
this appears to have made them much angrier, complicating their 
eventual role as a sidekick organism. And the other grizzlies now 
seem to prefer human-introduced foods in their diets, at the cost of 
the less-humorous business of increased tourist maulings. But 
there's much more work to be done. So much more. 


| leave it to you, generations of the future, to put this great machine 
to its highest use. Remember Yogi, Boo-Boo, and Ranger Smith." 


Footnotes 

1. Researcher Floyd was found later to be, in actuality, wrong about 
literally everything that he does and says. This phenomenon was 
later documented as SCP-__. Inquiries as to whether Researcher 
Floyd is a jerk are ongoing. 

2. The Human Resources Division notes that no file with the 
designation "SCP-001" exists, and if it did, it would apply to some 
sort of alternate version of humanity which plagues our society with 
anomalies, which also does not exist. 

3. The official designation for this event is Incident- ., Researcher. 
4. Access was not in fact denied. 

5. Research into the possible Gol known as "Toda" is ongoing. Staff 
expect a documentation hub to be posted to Foundation databases 
shortly 


SCP-1797-J: "GEORGE WASHINGTON 
ENTERTAINING A GENTLEMAN FRIEND WHILE 
PICKING HIS NOSE" 


SCP-1797-J. Note the presence of a handsome friend. 


Item #: SCP-1797-J 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1797-J is to be kept inside 
a secure storage unit at the media archive of Site-77. It is to be 
checked regularly for imperfections. Once every four years, a search 
of any possibly related artifacts should be conducted through the 
archives. 


Description: SCP-1797-J is a polymorphic oil portrait of former 
United States President George Washington. Behind him stands an 
unidentified male figure engaging in apparently vigorous sexual 
intercourse with Washington. 


"GEORGE WASHINGTON ENTERTAINING A GENTLEMAN 
FRIEND WHILE PICKING HIS NOSE"(sic) has been written on the 
backing with a felt tipped writing instrument. Laboratory analysis 
indicates that SCP-1797-J is from an authentic time period. 


SCP-1797-J was initially encountered by a filing clerk in the George 
Washington Presidential Library in 1 81. Upon viewing it they alerted 
the local constabulary with the intent to find the painter and press 
"obscenity charges". A low-level investigation was conducted, at 
which point the Foundation was alerted and secured SCP-1797-J. 


Further investigation of the library's records by Foundation 
personnel failed to yield any leads on SCP-1797-u's origin. 


Repeated viewings of SCP-1797-J causes it to display a different 
scene. Each viewing becomes more and more "randy"; However the 
President will always be picking his nose. 


Addendum: Researcher James has pointed out a possible relation 
to the following items: 


SCP-_ - "John Adams yanking out a loose tooth while 
vacuuming" 

SCP- - "Thomas Jefferson being hit with a spork while 
kicking" 


SCP-  - "James Madison doing jumping-jacks while writing a 
letter" 
SCP- - "James Monroe toweling off while bicycling" 


SCP-  - "John Quincy Adams frowning while looking at his 
dad" 

SCP- - "Andrew Jackson tying his shoelaces while melting" 
SCP- - "Martin Van Buren laying his head in a guillotine 
while playing a borrowed Game Gear" 

SCP-  - "William Henry Harrison conducting an orchestra 
while sneezing" 

SCP-  - "John Tyler verbally reprimanding his children while 
taking off a Pinocchio costume 

SCP- - "James K. Polk dancing while learning to scuba 
dive" 

SCP- - "Zachary Taylor picking cherries while drawing 
himself a map" 


SCP- - "Millard Fillmore filling a mill with flour while giving a 
haircut" 

SCP-_ - "Franklin Pierce drinking while conducting a train" 
SCP-  - "James Buchanan cooking some dinner while 


converting to Mormonism" 

SCP- - "Abraham Lincoln being kicked in the nuts while 
changing into corduroy pants" 

SCP-_ - "Andrew Johnson checking out a library book while 
crows peck at his eyes" 

SCP- - "Ulysses S. Grant having sex while drinking" 

SCP- - "Rutherford B. Hayes opening his mail while grilling 
a steak" 


SCP- - "James Garfield tripping over some tree roots while 
wearing a hat" 
SCP- - "Chester Arthur having an operation while 


attempting to return a gift" 
SCP- - "Grover Cleveland shoveling manure while 


practicing defenestration 


SCP- - "Benjamin Harrison spending a billion dollars while 
spelunking 
SCP- - "Grover Cleveland suffering from defenestration 


while gravitating 

SCP- — - "William McKinley inserting a butt-plug while playing 
the harmonica" 

SCP- - "Theodore Roosevelt canoeing while scratching his 
ass" 

SCP-_ - "William Howard Taft having a dick drawn on his 
face while taking a bath" 

SCP-  - "Woodrow Wilson being racist while paying a 
parking ticket" 

SCP- - "Warren G. Harding betting on a horse-race while 
he is attacked by fire ants" 

SCP-_ - "Calvin Coolidge wiping a booger on a 4 year-old 
named Ricky while hokey-pokeying" 

SCP-  - "Herbert Hoover impersonating the Michelin Man 
while learning to be a city planner" 

SCP- - "Franklin Roosevelt being mocked by stand-up 
comedians while listening to the radio" 

SCP-_ - "Harry Truman polishing his spectacles while 
participating in a bank robbery" 

SCP- - "Dwight D. Eisenhower being devoured by snapping 
turtles while urinating" 


SCP-  - "John F. Kennedy falling out of an airplane while 
combing his hair" 

SCP-_ - "Lyndon B. Johnson exiting a Dollar General while 
lancing a boil" 

SCP-_ - "Richard Nixon grating some cheese while visiting 
Tokyo Disney" 

SCP-_ - "Gerald Ford coordinating a model shoot while 


playing football" 

SCP-_— - "Jimmy Carter lighting his car on fire while knitting a 
sweater" 

SCP-1981 - "Ronald Reagan Cut Up While Talking" 

SCP- - "George H. W. Bush trying to tell a joke while 
vibrating" 

SCP- - "Bill Clinton operating a radio telescope while 
deciding which tie to wear tonight" 


* SCP- - "George W. Bush getting a pap smear while 
reading" 

* SCP- - "Barack Obama surveying a volcano while failing a 
math test" 

* SCP-  - "Donald Trump shuffling a deck of cards while 
yodeling" 


SCP-096-J: NarrAway 


Item #: SCP-096-J 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: Three copies of SCP-096-J are 
to be kept on separate USB flash drives in the High Value Storage 
Locker at Site 38. Foundation cyberanalysis units should attempt to 
locate and eradicate any uncontained instances of SCP-096-J while 
in the course of other duties. 


Description: SCP-096-J is an anomalous computer program built 
as an Internet browser applet designed to prevent children and 
others from encountering sexually explicit material. The program, 
“NarrAway”, is 2.4 MB in size and has been found modified for 
function with Microsoft Internet Explorer, Mozilla Firefox, Google 
Chrome, and Apple Safari. The program is equipped with settings 
for “No Limit’, “Partial Limit,” and “Full Limit.” 


Computers with SCP-096-J enabled will be unable to display 
sexually explicit material due to the program's ability to remove 
explicit components from audiovisual and literary works. This 
function will operate when possible by editing the narrative of the 
materials into scenarios wherein sexual congress or situations are 
unlikely or altering the decisions of actors within the narrative to 
remove sexual activity. This is reminiscent of SCP-1781's mode of 
operation, suggesting a possible connection between the two 
anomalies. See Experiment Log 096-J for examples. 


Addendum 096-J-1: Excerpts from Experiment Log 096-J 
Experiment ID: 096-J-7/A 


Sample: Video titled “Feisty redhead 
", uploaded 21/11/13 to .com 


Parameters: SCP-096-J set to "No Limit" 


Results: Video proceeds as normal. 

, acting under the pseudonym "Red 
Foxy", is introduced as an unnamed nurse 
performing a standard physical examination 
upon an unnamed character portrayed by 

("Richard Dark"). Approximately two 
minutes into the physical examination, the 
nurse character begins performing a standard 
check for colonic herniation that proceeds into 
gratuitous manual stimulation of the patient's 
genitalia. This stimulation transitions into oral 
[DATA EXPUNGED] five (5) mililiters, 
deposited directly below the unnamed nurse's 
manubrium. 


Experiment ID: 096-J-7/B 
Sample: Same as previous experiment 
Parameters: SCP-096-J set to "Partial Limit" 


Results: , acting under the 
pseudonym "Red Foxy", is introduced as an 
unnamed nurse performing a standard 
physical examination upon an unnamed 
character portrayed by ("Richard 
Dark"). Approximately two minutes into the 
physical examination, the nurse character 
begins performing a standard check for colonic 
herniation. The facial expressions of both 
individuals suggest that the nurse has begun 
to stimulate the unnamed male character's 
genitalia without prior warning or consent, 
though no nudity is shown within the video. 
The video cuts to a scene outside of the 
nurse's office accompanied by subtitles 
reading "Several minutes later..." during which 
both characters exit the room. The male 
character pauses, removes an unidentified 


amount of currency from a rear pants pocket, 
and gives it to the nurse, who smiles and 
returns into the office. 


Experiment ID: 096-J-7/C 
Sample: Same as previous experiment 
Parameters: SCP-096-J set to "Full Limit" 


Results: An unnamed male character 
portrayed by ("Richard Dark") sits in 
awaiting room for minutes, then leaves. 


Experiment ID: 096-J-12/C 


Sample: Video titled "three 
ass", uploaded / /11to  .com 


Parameters: SCP-096-J set to "Full Limit" 


Results: Three unnamed female characters in 
a dormitory spontaneously identify themselves 
as being eighteen (18) years of age and over 
the age of majority in their region (albeit 
barely), alone in college for the first time. An 
unnamed man arrives in possession of two (2) 
sausage pizzas. While exchanging money for 
the pizzas, the female characters express 
frustration with their homework in an Anatomy 
& Physiology class. The pizza delivery man 
inquires as to whether the female characters 
require assistance in understanding anatomy. 
The women politely decline and return to their 
homework. A postscript explains that all three 
went on to become distinguished physicians in 
the field of proctology and graduated summa 
cum laude. 


Experiment ID: 096-J-19/C 


Sample: Video titled "She wants to with 


cream!", uploaded / /O9to .com 
Parameters: SCP-096-J set to "Full Limit" 


Results: A single unnamed woman sits on a 
couch, conversing with an unseen man behind 
the camera. Over the course of a conversation 
that lasts several minutes, it becomes 
generally understood to the audience that the 
woman is attempting to audition for a film of 
some sort, the details of which are not 
discussed. The man inquires as to what the 
woman is willing to do in order to secure this 
film role. The woman explains that she has 
already taken several acting classes at a local 
college and has been working with several 
friends of hers to produce a body of short films 
that she feels best embodies her skills. After 
evaluating the short films, the man turns the 
woman down in a polite but respectful way and 
explains that her work is not what he is looking 
for. Discouraged but still fundamentally 
confident in her own skills, she goes back to 
school and begins working on a degree in 
anthropology, which she finds immensely 
satisfying. 


Experiment ID: 096-J-32/C 


Sample: Video titled "Cute blonde girl will do 
anything for money", uploaded / /13 to 
.com 


Parameters: SCP-096-J set to "Full Limit" 


Results: A group of men discuss a young 
blonde woman walking down the street. The 
men, riding along in a van, ask the woman if 
she would be interested in getting in the van 
with them. The woman is reluctant. The men 
pull out a sum of local currency and explain 


bones removed from their limbs. Three of the victims died from 
blood loss and shock. The fourth, happened to be staying in 
the hotel room next to Agent , who intervened. This account 
may be found in Incident Report 542-A-06. 


SCP-542 has a strong connection to a collection of scalpels, blades, 
syringes, and various other surgical equipment from time periods 
ranging from modern day to archaic, if very well-kept, relics from 
years as early as the 1910s. He carries these in a velvet-lined, black 
leather suitcase, and modifies many of his jackets to have holders to 
hide and carry this equipment in. He is not allowed access to this 
collection except during testing and observation of self-surgery.