| am wondering if, in your travels of the North American Continent, 
you had the pleasure of meeting the inventor and industrialist 
Samuel Colt before his untimely death in 1862. If so, did he 
perchance gift to you any special sort of firearm to which the public 
was never made aware of? For | have heard rumors that before his 
passing, he designed and built a most excellent pistol which had the 
capability of being able to slay even the vilest of hellspawn with a 
single round. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Ah, yes, the Improved Anti-Daemon Revolver Mark V. I'm afraid | no 
longer have it in my collection - | bequeathed it to my little brother, 
the archbishop, as a Christmas gift. Such a thing comes in quite 
handy in the career of an exorcist, you know. 


Dr. Iceberg writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


Do you prefer hot or cold climates? 
Also, what would you say is the most dangerous continent? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Dr. Iceberg - now that is an amusing question coming from a person 
named such as you are! 


Truly, | would not trade the climate of my native England for any 
other, but there are times in one's life when one enjoys a respite 
from the cold and the fog. The tropical climates are, by the nature of 
the civilisations to be found there, the lands where | do much of my 
adventuring, and | have grown quite accustomed to the warm sun, 
the thick humid air, and the refreshing cool of the oceans and rivers. 


As to your latter question, | would venture to say that Antarctica, that 
great unexplored mass to the south, may be the deadliest of them all 
- for while it (so far as | have yet determined) possesses no great 
beasts or savage races to beguile the explorer, it has neither any 
fauna, nor fruits and vines, nor even any tree to harvest for firewood, 


and the perpetual freezing cold and long nights would surely drive 
any man to madness or death. | have heard rumours that it was not 
always the case - the journals of Piri Re'is, the mad Turk, suggest 
that it was but a few centuries ago a green and verdant land. How 
could such a realm be transformed so quickly in the overall scheme 
of things? Perhaps one day | shall charter an observation in search 
of clues thereunto. 


Scratskinner writes: 


How long do you suppose it'll take before those Foundation 
blackguards catch wind of this enterprise, and put a stop to it? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


| have every confidence in Deeds’ ability to elude detection, Mr. 
Scratskinner. Though he is but a simple valet of working-class birth, 
his ability to move in the shadows rivals that of the ninja assassins 
of the Orient. In fact, on the occasion of my visit to Edo... ah, but 
that's a tale for another time. 


Foundation Agent Baxter writes: 


Dear Lord Blackwood, 

Why has this metal sphere we found in your collection started 
ticking? And how can we make it stop? Thank you for any 
assistance. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


| fear | cannot say except to assure you that it must be deactivated 
as soon as possible. | would be more than happy to render my 
assistance, but the fools in charge here refuse to let me examine it, 
even in spite of the fact that it clearly attempted to speak to me 
when | saw it carried past me the other day. 


Jethro writes: 


How did you first meet Deeds? Has he ever made you upset, 
disappointed, etc? And has he always lived in that bell of his? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


It was 1837 - the day of Queen Victoria's coronation, indeed. | had 
just returned to my London estate after watching the festivities and 
there he was, in the midst of pressing and starching my shirts. He 
wouldn't say how he'd gotten in, or who sent him - but he has been 
my valet ever since, and never has he been anything but completely 
faithful and diligent in his responsibilties. (Well, aside from that 
unfortunate incident in the Wyoming Territory with the drunken 
Indian, but none of us expected him to have a Tomahawk, of all 
things, hidden up there.) 


Foundation Historian Gallow writes: 


Dear Lord Blackwood, 

We are currently investigating the process by which Ireland became 
independent from the British Empire. We have a theory that the Irish 
rebels may have used some kind of reality-distorting artifact, 
possibly ancient and possibly dug up immediately south-west of the 
Hill of Tara, to either achieve sufficient military success to persuade 
the British to withdraw, or to divert history into a reality in which the 
nationalists won. Can you throw any light on this matter? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


The Irish? Independent? By jingo, old sport, that's the funniest thing 
I've heard all week. 


Researcher Cobalt writes: 


Dear Lord Blackwood, 
An associate of mine has wagered that you may have heard of 
SCP-1326, or a similar tome. What do you say to that? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Dr. Cobalt - | must say, the terms you amateurs use to refer to the 
mysterious and wonderful artifacts our world is teeming with are so 
dry. Where is your sense of wonder? 


| cannot say that | have encountered the particular volume you 
mention - had |, | no doubt could have spent decades simply in 
cataloging its contents. | am made to understand it even contains 
references to myself, which | find most disconcerting - for | have 
never consented to my memoirs being put into publication, and if the 
original producer of this book has profited from it, then | intend to 
speak to a solicitor about the matter as soon as | am freed from this 
facility. 


Researcher Cobalt replies: 


| see. It is rather fortunate for my associate that there was no money 
involved in the wager. 


| was actually the one responsible for SCP-1326's original 
documentation, and unoficially dubbed the tome "The Lexicon"; 
unfortunately, protocol only lets me refer to it by its official SCP 
designation. As for its anomalous documentation of your 
adventures, | am afraid a solicitor may not be of much help in the 
matter of copyright; | fear that book's author may hail from an 
alternate timeline, or even another reality, and would be beyond our 
reach or jurisdiction. 


Speaking of your adventures, did the one described in the Lexicon 
really occur? 


William, in the Foundation mail room writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood: 


We have received an unusual parcel from a "Mr. Moth" via post from 
London. Perchance, did you order something? If we can't identify 
the item, protocol definitely prohibits passing it along to you. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Dash it all! He was supposed to address it to "Pervical Wilburforce" 
so that Deeds could secret it to me after it was dead-lettered. Are 
you quite sure you couldn't just allow me to access it on Sundays? | 
assure you it poses no danger to anyone - it is merely a trans- 
Akashic codex viewer. I've grown quite bored without my library at 
hand, you see, and | was hoping to be able to use it to revise my old 
notes and finally get around to learning Greek. 


Dr. Edison writes: 


Dear Lord Blackwood, 
Have you ever been to Japan? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Dr. Edison - Deeds and | made a secret trip there in fourty-six, 
posing as Dutchmen, in order to retrieve some documents for the 
Duke of Edinburgh. | met a strange fellow named "Darkblade" there 
- he seemed to think quite highly of himself, though | found him to be 
little more than arrogant, aggrandizing, and incapable of holding his 
own in a stand-up fight. (And possibly, if | may say so, a Bohemian.) 


Spacecadet writes: 


Dear Lord Blackwood, 
Just for the sake of argument, would you actually recognize a sea 
slug if you saw one? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


You insult me, Mr. Spacecadet! Mr. Darwin and | catalogued no 
fewer than seventy-three species of sea slug during our voyages in 
the south seas! | daresay | could not only recognize one at fifty 
paces, but tell you its species, how old it was, and what it had eaten 
for breakfast that day. 


BRIT BRITISHMAN writes: 


G'DAY, GOVINAH, 

PIP PIP CHERRIO OFF TO THE FIVE ‘AN DIME APPLES AN 
PARES BLOODY WANKING HELL OFF YER ROCKER GOD SAVE 
THE QUEEN FOR KING AND COUNTRY BY OUR MAJESTY'S 
SECRET SERVICE! 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Yes... quite. 


Dr. Edison writes: 


Dear Lord Blackwood, 
Have you ever met a funny man who owns a time-traveling blue box 
that's bigger on the inside? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


| cannot say that | have. | did, however, once meet a strange man in 
possession of a glass kiosk he claimed could travel through time. He 
called himself Rufus and urged me to be excellent. He had two idle 
youths in his company who spoke with a strange accent and used 
words the likes of which | hope to never hear again - if this be the 
future of mankind, | begin to wonder whether all my efforts have 
been for naught. 


Nyehcat writes: 

Dear Lord Blackwood, 

Have you ever had a run-in with the Church of the Broken God? 
Lord Blackwood replies: 


Do you mean the Unitarians? 


Lord James T. Archibald writes: 


My dearest Lady Blackwood, 

To you | can barely express how | miss your touch, your voice, your 
smell. | cannot wait until next Tuesday for us to be together again. 
Your supple breasts and moist lips call to me from that terrible 
estate of your husband's. Last Thursday in the cabbage patch you 
made a proposal to me after a fervent session of love making; that 
we run away together from your dreadful husband and my tyrant of a 
wife, and start a life in the new world. | have decided to accept your 
proposal. Meet me outside the Hogswash Inn on Friday night 
wearing a green scarf, and we will away together to Virginia. Make 
sure to keep this letter safe from the prying eyes of your husband 
and his servants. 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


My mother was a saint, you varlet! | ought to horse-whip you on the 
front steps of your club for this sort of obscene slander! As soon as | 
effect my escape from this facility, | shall find you and we will settle 
this in the ancient manner afforded to men of honour (not that you 
have any, | am sure). 


Harry Flashman writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


Regarding the ancient manner of resolving disputes afforded to men 
of honour that you allude to, would you have any advice for a young 
gentleman about to settle his first such affair of honour? A reply 
before dawn would be most appreciated, not to say helpful. 


Yours, 
H. Flashman 


P.S. Please bear my best regards to your lady wife. 
Lord Blackwood replies: 


As the challengee (I presume), you ought to have the right to select 


your weapon of choice. Have you any particular specialty - pistol, 
epee, perhaps the smallsword? If not, choose that which you know 
your rival is lacking in skill with. If nothing else, simply allow your 
rival to take first blood and call it done - unless he is an utterly 
contemptible rogue, this should satisfy his need for satisfaction. 


(Incidentally, if you do not desist from speaking of my familial 
relations in such a manner, then the best advice | can give you is to 
cheat - for | never lose.) 


Gilgamesh writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


Have you ever found Excalibur? If so, can | have it? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Twice, in fact, but | fear it is no longer in my possession. The Lady of 
the Lake is a surprisingly adept card-shark. 


Grug writes: 

Wurg naf, Lord Blackwood, hal dar! daff! 

Ror nuff hoff muusel draff, Bur hoff oss iriff loss. 

Murrn ror purn haff nansel ram? Mur nas oss woff huubess juss? 
Oss ven rab, 

Grug 


Lord Blackwood replies: 
If you say so. 
Grug replies: 


Holl, Lord Blackwood, nol ram. 
Err waff raff wurg murrn marr. Kaff sil na "Problem" nif tal English. 


Morlaf vaf kril tarr. Werf wurg raff woll kurf oss. Poss rofs zet 
aussnal refnel kreff, sil na narrim. Quass nerrif na darl zoff genocide 
darr. Varg wurg lurr nef posskeff. Raff kwor bor na remoff zet kral 
waff bref, neffil zaffer extinct groff, murrn ruff nuclear breff haff 
England wurg... 

Kroff ved, 

Grug 

Lord Blackwood replies: 

Are you in need of an alienist, my dear boy? 

Grug replies: 


Raff ross oss vern. Murrn werrin porr English fon ref. Nerr: 
"Us. Genocide. England. Nuclear. Soon." 
Kroff ved, 


Grug 

Lord Blackwood replies: 

Dear boy, please sober up before you try to write anything else. 
Spacecadet writes: 

Dear Lord Blackwood, 


| was wondering if you would favor us with your thoughts on the late 
civil war in the States. 


Sincerely, 
Spacecadet 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Ours was better. 


Agent Baxter writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


| am writing for the Site-17 newsletter an article on what clothes are 
the height of fashion this season. Can you tell me what you are 
wearing at the moment, and what your sartorial plans for this 
summer will be? 


Lord Blackwood replies: 


Unfortunately, Agent Baxter, your confederates have not seen it fit to 
release my full wardrobe into my possession after they took custody 
of it from my country estate. Perhaps if you could put in a good word 
with them | could give you a more proper lecture on the nature of 
proper English fashion. (See to it that they drain the room of water 
as well; wool does not hold up well under the circumstances of the 
climate | find myself imprisoned in.) 


As to the summer, Agent, one cannot go wrong with khaki if one 
finds oneself in the tropics, but if it is an English summer you have in 
mind, | am told that a less formal form of the traditional Evening 
Dress has of late been adapted by the hoi polloi. It is my personal 
opinion that the ascot tie is the most elegant accessory a gentleman 
can adorn himself with, though | understand that the four-in-hand 
style so beloved by Prince Albert the Younger has made inroads 
lately. 


| do not expect that his fashion sensibilities will long endure; 
however, the brand of canned tobacco marketed under his name is 
most superb. Could you perhaps see to acquiring some for me? | 
have made several covert attempts to request a delivery of it by tele- 
phone; however, every tobacconist whom | have spoken to on the 
matter has responded most rudely. 


Foundation Weaponeer Buggle writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood, 


Who do you think would win in a fight between a brown bear and a 


understood that already. But what's the point? 
Why do you do it? 


SCP-792-2: It is our duty. 


Senior Researcher L : Can you 
elaborate? 


SCP-792-2: Those headed for Isaad require 
guides. We judge who is worthy and who is 
not. The worthy are taken to Isaad. Those who 
aren't we destroy. 


Senior Researcher L : And by conducting 
our research, we're preventing you from doing 
this? 


SCP-792-2: Yes. The crop cannot be 
disturbed. 


Senior Researcher L : What will happen 
if we continue our research? 


SCP-792-2: Death is not a right. It is a [pause] 
gift that we can deny. 


Senior Researcher L : Are you 
threatening us? 


SCP-792-2: No. You are threatening those 
who would otherwise be welcomed into Isaad. 
Your research is preventing them from resting. 


Senior Researcher L : Could you not just 
take them regardless? 


SCP-792-2: | would like to leave now. 


(At this point SCP-792-2 attempted to get up 
and leave the interviewing area, but was 
restrained by guards and put in a holding cell. 
Three (3) hours later it disappeared from the 


hammerhead shark? 
Lord Blackwood replies: 


| cannot say, Mr. Buggle, that | can envision a scenario where such 
a confrontation would occur. Would that | still had the address of my 
old associate at the Royal Centre for Selachian Pugilistics, for he 
was once the world's foremost expert on subjects of such a nature. 


writes: 
Dear Lord Blackwood,