"| SPOKE TO THE GODS AT THE HEIGHTS OF MT. EVEREST, 
MEAN GENE!" screamed the Ultimate Warrior - tasseled, his bare, 
oiled chest gleaming under the lighting, his face painted green and 
yellow, the WWF World Heavyweight Championship belt around his 
waist. "AND THEY TOLD ME THAT WHEN THE POWER OF THE 
WARRIOR FLOWS THROUGH MY VEINS LIKE THE LIGHTNING 
OF THE GODS, THAT ALL THOSE WHO FACE ME SHALL FALL 
LIKE DOMINOS ON A CHESS BOARD BEFORE THE MIGHT OF 
MY MONOPOLY! KING ME, ABLE! YOU HAD BETTER 
CONSULT AN UNDERTAKER, ABLE, BECAUSE YOU ARE 
GOING TO NEED FIVE GIANT STONE CASKETS TO CARRY 
YOU OUT OF THE TACOMA DOME TONIGHT! TONIGHT, | WILL 
HIT THE RING LIKE AN ATOM BOMB FILLED WITH DRAGON'S 
FIRE, ABLE, AND BLOW YOU HALFWAY TO PARTS 
UNKNOWN! | WILL PROVE TONIGHT ONCE AGAIN THAT | AM 


THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR, ABLE - AND BY THE TIME THAT | 
ASCEND ON MY STARSHIP INTO THE ANNALS OF GLORY, 
WITH THE WWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP BY 
MY SIDE, YOU WILL BE DISABLED!" 


"Strong words from the champion," Mean Gene Okerlund said as 
the Warrior cleared his nasal passages and exhaled deeply. "Back 
to you, Vince." 


"This has certainly been an excitement-filled night so far!" Vince 
McMahon exclaimed. "What do you think, Brain?" 


"I'm speechless,” Brain said. "I never in a million years expected Mr. 
Perfect to go down that easily." 


"For those of you just tuning in," Gorilla Monsoon said, "the World 
Wrestling Federation has just crowned a new Intercontinental 
Champion in an amazing thirteen-second matchup in which Mr. 
Perfect was easily defeated by SCP-230." 


"He just laid down the second that pink and yellow fella laid a hand 
on him," Brain said. "| smell a rat." 


"Well, they call him 'the gayest man alive’ for a reason, Brain." 
"Which one are you talking about?" 


"And the Hart Foundation holds onto the Tag Team Championship 
by disqualification, after six additional Jack Brights entered the ring." 


"Truly disgraceful behavior from a man of science,” Vince said. 


"A few more of him and he could do the Royal Rumble by himself,” 
Brain commented. 


"And, of course," Vince interrupted, "Dmitri Strelnikov's win against 
Nikolai Volkoff has won him a shot for the World Heavyweight 
Championship at Wrestlemania VII next month - against whichever 
of tonight's two superstars leaves the arena with the belt." 


"What was it he kept calling Volkoff?" Brain asked. "A dirty 
checker?" 


"We're almost ready for tonight's special showdown in the parking 
lot," Gorilla said, "but first, let's go back to ringside, where Money 
Inc. - that's Ted 'the Million Dollar Man' Dibiase and Irwin R. Shyster, 
of course - are preparing to enter the ring for their handicap match 
against Marshall, Carter, and Dark Ltd." 


Howard Finkel shouted into a megaphone while standing in the 
center of the parking lot. A circle of junk cars fifty feet across 
delineated the ring for this special matchup, and crowds who 
couldn't afford to get into the arena gathered around for a peek at 
the competitors. 


Finkel gestured to a crowd of twenty wrestlers who had never been 
seen on TV before, and likely never would be again, in their identical 
green trunks and boots. "To my left, with a combined total weight of 
5,173 pounds, hailing from Camelot, the Dragonslayers!" 


"Have you ever seen a match like this before, Brain?" 


"I've been in this business for twenty-five years, Gorilla, and I've 
never seen anything like this. | didn't even know this was legal." 


"Only here and in Alabama," Vince said. 


"And on my right," Finkel announced as he gestured to the giant 
scaly beast licking its chops in anticipation, "weighing in at Redacted 
pounds, hailing from Data Expunged, the one, the only, SCP-682!" 


"Well, ladies and gentlemen," Mean Gene announced to the crowd 
as he stood by the entrance from the locker room, "I think it's safe to 
say that what we've just witnessed moments ago is unprecedented 
in the history of the World Wrestling Federation. In case you're just 
tuning in, during our special segment of Piper's Pit, Rowdy Roddy 
Piper, who's scheduled to be guest referee for tonight's main event, 
shook hands with his guest SCP-507 and they both instantaneously 


disappeared. | assure you we're working very hard to find a solution 
to this problem. In the meantime, for some insight into this situation, 
| have here with me the WWF's foremost expert on the paranormal - 
ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Bearer." 


The audience booed and hissed as the pale-faced, rotund man 
entered and stood next to Mean Gene. "It's woooooooondertul to be 
here, Mr. Oooooooookerlund," he said as he caressed the brass urn 
in his hands. 


"Paul Bearer, you've studied SCP-507's file front to back, correct?" 
"Oh, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeces!" 
"And in your opinion, where are he and the Rowdy one right now?" 


"They could be aaaaaaaaaaaaanywhere, Mr. Okerlund. Perhaps 
lunch for giant aaaaaaaaaaaaaantelopes? Perhaps they'll run into 
my good friends Hawk and Animal in the dimension of 
dooo000000000000000000000000000m ?" 


"Do you think they'll be back in time for the main event?" 


"Perhaps they will be, Mr. Oooocoo0000kerlund. | hope Roddy Piper 
doesn't mind holding hands, though - or it might be a very long time 
indeed before he returns! A pity, too - | was already making funeral 
arrangements for him!" 


"Paul Bearer, ladies and gentlemen. Now, I'm not sure what's going 
to happen if we can't find another referee for the main event, but -" 
Mean Gene cut himself off as he clutched his hand to his earpiece. 
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm being informed that we have a special 
announcement from headquarters. We now go live to the WWF 
Home Office in Stamford, CT, and WWF President Jack Tunney." 


Jack Tunney sat at his desk in a gray suit, a stern look on his face 
as he addressed the camera. "As the result of anomalous action by 
an SCP superstar at tonight's event, special guest referee Rowdy 
Roddy Piper is currently lost in a parallel universe. The WWF and 


the SCP Foundation are currently employing all available resources 
to locate him and return him to this dimension before the conclusion 
of tonight's event. 


"As the result of his absence, the position of referee for tonight's 
World Heavyweight Championship bout between the Ultimate 
Warrior and Able is vacant. Due to union guidelines, none of the 
WWF referees in attendance this evening are eligible to referee 
another match. As this absence is due to actions taken by an SCP 
superstar, it is my decision that the SCP Foundation must supply an 
alternate guest referee in the event that Mr. Piper does not return to 
this universe by the time of the main event. 


"| have reviewed the roster of SCP Foundation personnel on hand at 
the Tacoma Dome tonight, and | have concluded that the only 
person among their ranks who is present and eligible is the person 
identified as SCP-073 or 'Cain’. It is therefore my ruling that Cain 
must guest-referee tonight's main event, and that failure to do so will 
result in Able forfeiting the match and any future shot at the WWF 
World Heavyweight Championship. Thank you." 


"Well, folks, now that the ring has been cleaned up after the exciting 
matchup between Doink the Clown and Chowderclef," Vince said as 
the cleaning crews mopped up the last bits of soup and cream pie, 
"it's almost time for one of the most anticipated matches of the 
evening." 


"Speaking of cleanup,” Brain said, "I don't think that parking lot's 
ever gonna be the same again." 


"What a shame," Gorilla said as he shook his head. "So much 
wasted talent. In any event, to recap the events of the last hour, 
we've seen the Macho King Randy Savage win the Foundation's 
SCP-619-J championship from D-33118, Ravishing Rick Rude 
defeated by submission in his bout against the Tickle Monster, and 
the Undertaker's match against SCP-173, of course, ended ina 
draw after the time limit expired." 


"They just stood there and stared at each other for fifteen minutes," 


Brain said. "| think we lost more viewers that quarter hour than when 
Elvis Presto headlined the Super Bowl halftime show." 


"Truly some suspenseful sports entertainment," Vince said. "Let's go 
to the ring." 


"The management has asked me to inform anyone planning to leave 
the arena early tonight," Howard Finkel announced, "that the 
cleaning crews have not yet finished removing the Dragonslayers 
from the pavement. And now, the following flag-vs-flag match is 
scheduled for one fall!" 


A chorus of jeers erupted from the crowd as "Rule Britannia" began 
to play overhead. A mustachioed man in khaki shorts and a pith 
helmet entered the arena, behind him an elderly man in a suit 
carrying the Union Flag. 


"Now entering the ring accompanied by his manager Mr. Deeds, 
hailing from Westminster, London, England, a man who you will all 
agree is certainly not a telepathic sea slug, Lord Theodore ‘The 
Gentleman’ Blackwood!" 


Mr. Deeds held the ropes open for Lord Blackwood to make his 
entrance, stopping as he approached the ring to yell at and shove 
an old woman in the stands. As Deeds planted the Union Flag on 
one turnbuckle, Blackwood leaned over to the announcer and 
whispered to him. 


"Lord Blackwood demands," he announced, "that you stand and join 
him in singing your rightful national anthem!" Lord Blackwood 
grabbed the microphone from Finkel and began singing a 
deliberately off-key rendition of "God Save the Queen", which 
elicited from the crowd only further boos and a chorus of 'Blackwood 
sucks! Blackwood sucks!’ 


Within a minute, his singing was cut off by an electric guitar as "Real 
American" began to blast over the loudspeakers, and a tanned, 
muscular man in red and yellow, Old Glory held high above his 
head, marched down the aisle. "His opponent," Finkel announced, 


the various anomalous events surrounding SCP-616's test flights 
were reported as various design failures. All plans and blue-prints 
have been seized by the Foundation. It is now believed 's 
designs were entirely intentional and done under no external 
compulsion. Recovered documents from the construction process 
describe [DATA EXPUNGED]. 


Still-shot from footage from within SCP-616-1 


Addendum 616-02: On // ,Aremote controlled rover obtained 
footage from within SCP-616-1. All personnel who viewed this 
footage directly committed suicide by various means within a two- 
month period. A security tape of the video with the recording playing 
did not cause any death, despite containing full sound and color 
recordings of the footage. It displayed a video of a small child 
violently being [DATA EXPUNGED] within a dark red room. All 
further attempts to observe past the "event horizon" have yielded 
similar results, and such expeditions are no longer permitted. 


Addendum 616-03: Interview logs pertaining to SCP-616 are 
available in document Interview 616-AM. 


[DOCUMENT SCP-616 CP3] 
NOTE: Clearance Level 4 or Higher Required 


Though the current containment procedures specify the 
necessity of Abrahamic faith and prayer to keep 
SCP-616-1 from closing, this necessity is in fact 
fabricated. After various interviews with [REDACTED], 
[REDACTED], a single test run, and [DATA 
EXPUNGED}, it was determined that the belief in one's 
ability to keep SCP-616-1 open was ultimately the critical 
component to being able to accomplish the deed. 
However, it seems individuals in possession of this fact 
fare worse than individuals who are not at keeping 
SCP-616-1 open. Whether this is due to properties of 
SCP-616-1 or human psychology is unknown. 


In regards to this problem, Dr. suggested using 
religion as an abundant and efficient way to harness 
belief. The current ‘Satanic Markings' were in fact added 


"weighing in at 303 Ibs., from Venice Beach, California, the immortal 
Hulk Hogan!" 


"| say," Lord Blackwood said to himself, "this isn't going to be very 
pleasant." 


Vince McMahon glared at Able in his locker room, as the tattooed 
giant put the finishing touches on his costume. "Now, you remember 
| explained to you how this works, right?" 


"| understand how to destroy anyone who dares challenge me," Able 
responded. 


"But you don't actually destroy him," Vince said. "Just make it look 
real. Jim is one of our biggest draws. | don't need him leaving here 
in an ambulance." 


"He has nothing to fear," Able responded. "| have observed him. He 
fights like a child. He is in more danger of hurting himself than he is 
of being hurt by me." 


"Good," Vince said. "Oh, and one more thing - there's been a little 
change regarding the referee..." 


The Ultimate Warrior was flat on his stomach, sweat washing away 
his makeup, as Able stood triumphantly above him. The Warrior 
tried in vain to raise himself to his feet - and Able brought the chair 
down over his back again. 


"| can't believe what I'm seeing, ladies and gentlemen," Vince said. 
"The champ and our guest referee are both down on the ground, 
and Able is completely in control." 


"Warrior made a big mistake when he hit Cain with that clothesline," 
Gorilla said. "If he'd read the files, he'd know any pain inflicted on 
Cain is reflected to the person dealing it out. The fact he even 
managed to knock Cain over - well, that's turned out even worse for 
him, as you can see." 


"I still wanna know where Able got that chair from," the Brain 
commented. "He didn't even step outside the ring, did he?" Cain 
began to rise to his feet - and Able struck him with the chair as well, 
knocking him down as Able winced but was otherwise unscathed. 


"What a maneuver from Able!" Vince said. "He's essentially beating 
himself with that chair and he's completely unfazed." 


Able tossed the chair out of the ring and raised his hands to the 
heavens, mimicking the Warrior's classic mannerisms. "This could 
be it," Brain said as Able lifted the Warrior to his feet and tucked his 
head between his legs in preparations for a powerbomb. "We might 
be about to see a new champion." 


Able had his hands on his hips and was about to lift the champ when 
a flash of light blinded him, and two men - one an overweight young 
man in jeans and a shirt, the other a surlier, more muscular man in a 
kilt and a striped shirt, appeared in midair and fell into the ring. 


"What's this?" Vince shouted. "It's SCP-507 and Rowdy Roddy 
Piper, back in our own universe!" The young man rolled out of the 
ring as Able turned to face Piper, who had seen Cain on the mat and 
turned to have words with Able. While the two shouted in each 
other's faces, the tassled warrior behind them rose to his feet and 
began doing a triumphant dance. Piper leapt out of the way just in 
time as the Warrior whipped himself into the turnbuckle, clotheslined 
Able from behind, and quickly splashed onto him for the cover. Cain 
looked over just as Piper fell to the ground, and the two of them 
slapped the mat together for a count of one, two, three. 


"The winner," Howard Finkel declared as the bell rang and thrash 
metal played overhead, "and still WWF World Heavyweight 
Champion, the Ultimate Warrior!" 


Jim Hellwig stepped out of the locker room as he pulled his coat on 
over his shoulders and headed for the back door. The crowds were 
gone, the makeup and tassels were off, and the heavyweight 
championship belt was stowed in his suitcase. It'd been a long day 
and he was sore all over, and there was nothing more he wanted 


than to get back to the hotel and get a good night's sleep before he 
had to be in Sacramento for the house show on Monday night. 


"Jim!" Vince McMahon shouted as he headed toward the door to the 
parking lot. "Great show tonight."