And the Governor shot her. The shot was muted, pathetic, and the 
family of foxes barely flinched. 


The Administrator folded forward, and if not for the massive hole in 
her forehead, she might have looked asleep. 


An Excerpt from Goodbye Ghost 


Act 2, Scene 2: 

James: (Crying) But can't they help you in some way? 
Butt ghost: There is no cure for butt cancer. 

J: But what will | do without you? 

BG: James, you've never needed me in the first place 
J: What do you mean? 


BG: Inside of you lies the power, not me. I'm only a spirit that haunts 
the posteriors of mammals. 


J: | can't let you go. 


BG: You already have. (Gestures to the framed photo of James with 
his arm wrapped around a yield sign.) 


J: It's not what you think! 

BG: No, it's what | know. 

J: But butt ghost... 

BG: Shh, don't speak. You've broken my heart enough already. 
J: | can't let you go. 

BG: You had no trouble letting your other women go! 

J: That was years ago, Butt Ghost! 

BG: A butt ghost never forgets. 


J: You forgot me once. 


BG: | had to go soul-searching, James. 
J: And what did you find? 


BG: | found my spirit place. The air was still and the water was cool. 
| felt a presence. | turned to look, but no one was there. | was alone. 
The moon overhead gazed down at my prone body. | felt nothing 
and everything at once. And that's when | realized, my people need 
me. 


J: Ankle ghost will be fine. 

BG: It's not just Ankle Ghost anymore, James, it's the world. 

J: What does that even mean? 

BG: They're revoking ghost licenses everywhere now. 

J: No! 

BG: It's true. 

J: But what about your estranged relationship with your brother? 
BG: Ghost Butt will either have to get out of my way, or join me. 
J: How? 


BG: James, you know me too well to question my ability in dealing 
with these issues. 


J: Very well. | can only hope you don't fail. 
BG: Failure is not an option. 

J: Good luck. 

BG: Thank you. 

J: Here take this. (Passes plunger) 


BG: | will not let you down. 


SCP-783: There Was A Crooked Man 


litem #: SCP-783 Levet 3/783 
Object Class: Keter Classified 


Special Containment Procedures: Personnel must monitor the 
town of Temby, and continue to develop the entity's profile. Its 
victims are to be retrieved, incinerated, and cataloged in this file. 


Update: Due to recent events, a stronger Foundation presence has 
been determined to be necessary for the containment of SCP-783 
and its related phenomena. An ancillary building near the local 
hospital, as well as two domiciles, have been commandeered from 
the locals for Foundation use. 


This property in its entirety has been re-designated as a provisional 
Site-5. 


Description: SCP-783 is a hostile entity currently preying upon the 
residents of Temby, a rural hamlet in Oxfordshire, England. It has a 
period of activity lasting roughly seventy days over the fall and 
winter months, occurring every twelve years. It exclusively attacks 
those who are alone and indoors after sunset. 


Buildings housing SCP-783's current target will experience a steady 
degradation of their structural integrity. Outwardly, this is visible as 
faults and breaks on the outer facade which lend affected structures 
an angled or crooked appearance. This anomaly extends to any 
objects which breach the affected building's exterior, causing 
immediate and severe deformation that is invariably fatal to living 
subjects. 


To date, personnel have yet to prevent an attack or been able to 
provide any means of assistance to SCP-783's targets. Due to this, 
as well as SCP-783's effects on recording equipment, little is known 
regarding SCP-783's exact appearance and the nature of its 


J: Goodbye, Butt Ghost. (Salutes) 


BG: Goodbye, James. (Flushes) 


Something even the loneliest man can relate to, Goodbye Ghost 
brings us to realize our own mortality and the importance of our 
relationship with our friends, regardless of corporeality. - Foundation 
Tribune 


Play of the year. Period. - Cl Review 


Guaranteed to make you both laugh and cry, the Butt Ghost's 
performance is the best of the the year, if not the century. - Time- 
anomaly Magazine 


What the FUCK is this shit? - 05-7 


An Fag Part Two; Or, Your Hume Questions Answered 


Do you, too, have a question (or questions) about Humes? Put 
them down below and they will be answered. 


Q: What do areas of high (or low) Hume concentration look 
like? 
-Dr. S 


A: An area of low Hume concentration is a very strange place 
indeed. Without the stability of ordinary reality, regular humans can 
alter the area to their whim, granting temporary reality bender-like 
abilities. These should not be confused with the real thing, of course; 
they are merely a projection of a higher-Hume frame of reference on 
a lower-Hume environment, and the ‘abilities' vanish as soon as the 
subject leaves the area. In addition, since reality is much less dense 
in these areas, the incidence of spontaneous anomalies and 
universe breaches are significantly higher. However, these 
anomalies/breaches do not vanish when taken from the vicinity. The 
reason for this is unknown at the current time. 


An area of high Hume concentration, on the other hand is a very 
strange place. To normal humans, it appears vivid and 
overpowering, a place of a superworldly aura. Remember how the 
Himalayas have a high Hume concentration? This applies to all 
mountains—there's a reason they're often sought out as a place of 
enlightenment. To reality benders, on the other hand, these areas 
are flat, grey, and earthy. Since the Hume concentration in these 
areas are usually close to (or higher than) the reality bender's own 
levels, they have significant trouble exerting their powers in these 
areas; in some cases being completely restricted from affecting the 
area. As such, reality benders tend to avoid these areas, 
instinctively or otherwise; the currently-in-construction Site-35 
(augmented with special Scranton anchors and located in the 
Himalayas) promises to act as effective containment for reality 
benders when completed. 


Q: Is it possible for a regular human to become a reality 
bender? 
-Dr. S 


A: Yes; and there are many, many rituals and gimmicks that promise 
to do so. However, the list of actual techniques to do so is very 
small; and is currently being compiled 


Q: Is it possible for animals to have hume fluctuations as well? 
-Dr. S 


A: Yes! At least one cat is suspected of it, as well as several dogs 
and some fleas; there is evidence coming in that certain whales may 
be capable of it as well. It is also hypothesized that inanimate 
objects are capable of this, but testing has been difficult and the 
hypothesis is unproven. 


Q: Do we have any methods by which to test for Hume 
fluctuations at a great distance, such as interplanetary or 
further? 

-Dr. K 


A: At the moment, no. As | understand, a great many options on this 
front are being tested, but until then, we can only measure Hume 
concentrations locally. 


What are our options for detecting reality affecting entities at 
such distances? 
-Dr. K 


A: As mentioned above, effectively none. 


Does being in the vacuum of space alter the nature of Hume 
variance in any way? 
-Dr. K 


A: Short answer: No. Longer answer: space is a little strange. Its 
baseline Hume concentration is slightly higher than Earth 
concentrations, with the same variations seen on Earth. In fact, it is 
hypothesized that most of space has a Hume level equal to (or lower 
than!) Earth's norm, and that galaxies and clusters act as Hume 


concentration areas in the same way that mountains do here on 
Earth. However, this is only an educated guess until we can find an 
actual method of testing it. 


Are large and low Hume ratings expected to remain unusually 
high or low in parts or organs of a reality bender when 
detached or their user becomes deceased? Are there different 
Hume concentrations in certain organs rather than others? If 
so, which? 

-Dr. R 


A: A good question, and one we haven't studied much at this time. 
Preliminary results seem to indicate that all organ Hume 
concentrations are higher than the baseline, with the heart, liver, and 
brain possessing the most concentration; but these levels are not as 
large as those present in the reality bender when alive. As the 
reasons for this are unknown, and as the possibility of some freak 
Hume fluctuation or contamination cannot be crossed out, all of this 
is speculation at the moment, and needs to be verified by further 
research. 


Are there any noise or interfering "background signals" when 
measuring Hume concentrations in areas supposed to be 
"clean" of reality-bending effects? 

-Dr. R 


A: Yes! Basically, what we've seen is that in a completely isolated 
area freed of outside influences, the baseline Hume concentration 
seems to fluctuate up to +/- 9 centiHumes. So two readings taken in 
the same place in different times can yield significantly different 
Hume concentrations. The reason behind this phenomenon, by the 
way, is unknown at this time. 


Has any cognitohazardous, infohazardous or memetic effect 
been related to alterations in Hume ratings? (To clarify: this is a 
question on the respective effects these agents have on human 
psyche and brain chemistry, and not on the various anomalous 
effects affected individuals may display after being exposed to 
them; that is, can information alone and its knowledge change 
Hume ratings?) 

-Dr. R 


A: No, none of the above materials or effects have been linked to 
Hume concentrations. It appears that these effects do not affect the 
local reality, instead creating changes solely in the affected person's 
thought processes and brain. However, the anomalous effects 
displayed after exposure can (and have) multiple effects on Hume 
concentrations (see SCP-1425 for more information on this.) 


Finally, this is partly a request. Several medical doctors and 
health officers of the Foundation Medical Branch have 
requested access to miniaturized Scranton Reality Anchors to 
test their prolonged effects on human beings, particularly on 
possible relation to altered mental states and the general well- 
being of operators and civilians. Is there any way to request 
access to them for testing purposes or have these matters 
been looked into already? In case this has been tested, when 
will you publish a paper on it? 

-Dr. R 


A: Well, from what we've seen on personnel working on SCP-2000, 
Scranton anchors don't seem to have any negative effects in the 
short term. All such requests for long-term testing would have to be 
funneled through the Ethics Committee, and all papers produced 
thus can be published on the SCP Foundation's internal servers 
(basically the Foundation's private arXiv.) 


Have any locations or objects with zero or negative Hume 
values been discovered? What might such values represent? 
-Dr. T 


A: As of yet, no. In nature, the lowest Hume concentrations we've 
ever encountered have been in the vicinity of ~.27/.28 H; which, 
while low, is still quite far from an "absolute zero" concentration. 
Artificially, we've been able to get concentrations down to .15 H; 
again, low, but still quite far from that perfect zero. While it is 
theoretically possible that a zero Hume concentration can exist, it is 
incredibly unlikely that such a thing can exist naturally in nature or 
can be artificially created without massive repercussions, as sucha 
thing would not be considered "reality" as we think of (or experience) 
it. As for negative Humes...we haven't even put any negative 
numbers on the Kant counter dial, so how would we even know what 
we're measuring? (And that's ignoring the fact that negative Humes 


would probably indicate that something's gone horribly wrong in the 
general structure of the universe, and that, as such, whoever's 
holding the Kant counter should probably be getting the hell out of 
Dodge.) 


It has been mentioned that the SRAs work via "siphoning off" 
reality from other universes, for lack of a better term. Are there 
any effects, negative or otherwise, that are known or theorized 
to be caused by the SRAs outside of their desirable primary 
effect? 

-Dr. N 


A: For the universes we're siphoning the reality from, probably quite 
a lot of negative effects; including, but certainly not limited to: 
generalized reality breakdown, an increase in anomaly instances, 
increased reality transparency, an upswing in nonlinear time areas, 
chronological anomalies, spontaneous localized reality collapse, and 
a whole host of other things that we haven't even considered. That's 
why we calibrate our SRAs (nice acronym; | like it) to only drain 
reality from dead universes. These include universes that are 
already in their last legs, i.e. undergoing heat death; universes that 
have been through one of the -K class scenarios (except for IK, for 
obvious reasons) and thus have no surviving life; and universes that, 
for whatever reason, had no life, sentient or otherwise, to begin with. 
While the SRAs likely hasten the death of these universes, it's 
generally considered an acceptable trade-off since these universes 
generally have nothing worth protecting, and since there are an 
infinite supply of other, identical, universes floating around as well. 
As for other effects of SRAs in our universe...that's a good question, 
and one that definitely merits a long-term study. As mentioned 
above with SCP-2000, short-term exposure to SRAs do not appear 
to have short-term detrimental effects, and no long-term effects have 
been observed. As for any actual long-term effects from short-term 
exposure, or effects from long-term exposure...your guess is as 
good as mine. 


One of the junior researchers in my department recently 
theorized that Hume levels propagate in the form of ‘reality 
waves’. Is there any merit to this theory? If so, could an object 
become ‘out of phase' (invisible and incorporeal) with normal 


reality if its 'reality waves' were out of sync with its 
surroundings? 
-Dr. F 


A: From what | can make of it...no. | mean, as quantum physics tells 
us, a// particles have a wavelike nature (and all waves have a 
particle-like nature.) While there are ways to become out of phase 
with normal reality, these methods don't directly involve Hume 
manipulation—you could just pop into another universe, or try to 
stay in half this universe and half another, or you could change your 
matter state, or stuff like that. But while these things are cool, they 
do not, sadly, involve Humes. 


What is the average Hume level in vanilla humans? In normal 
reality? 
-Researcher W. 


That's a very good question, and one that we've already answered 
in this paper! 


Are there any known reality-benders who can increase or 
decrease the Hume concentrations in themselves or the 
surrounding reality at will? 

-Researcher W. 


Under the Hume-centric definition of reality bender, all Known reality 
benders exhibit this property (with the possible [?] exception of 
SCP-343.) 


If an entity with higher-than-average Humes is a reality-warper, 
what happens to entities with lower-than-average Hume levels? 
-Researcher W. 


Good question! Not much research has been done on these people 
yet, but the initial results seem to indicate that they are unable to 
push back against reality, leading to lives that end up being...well, 
whatever reality wants them to be. These are the stereotypical 
"charmed" or "cursed" people, and their lives usually end up 
resembling certain stories or tropes. Out of the five people the 
preliminary tests followed, one recreated the original Grimm brothers 
version of "Cinderella" down to the dialog used, one had a string of