Look, you're new, so I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. 
Everybody wants things to be simple. They want the world to make 
sense. Even the higher-ups. Sure, they know the world's fucked up, 
but they want it fucked up in a way they understand. Things out 
here, in the field, they get messy. Sometimes, we gotta do things 
they wouldn't understand. And sometimes we make honest 
mistakes. The higher-ups don't wanna think that sorta thing 
happens. We're their hands and eyes. We go out, we fix problems 
for them, and so far as they're concerned, we always do it the way 
they want. 


Like, sometimes maybe you end up needing help from outside. We 
all know the other guys in the GOC, or MC&D, or hell, even in the 
Cl. We trade favors when we have to, but the higher-ups wouldn't 


understand it, and they'd fuck it all up. Or maybe they want us to 
take in something alive that turns your blood to fire by lookin’ at you, 
and never mind how you're supposed to get it done. 


We do what we gotta do. We try to make the mission go through. 
Sometimes, that means we gotta do things they wouldn't like, 
sometimes it means we cut our losses. And then, when you write up 
the report, you gotta make everything nice and neat in a way the 
higher-ups understand. That's where Nobody comes in. 


Everyone knows Nobody does shit that doesn't make much sense. 
Sometimes he helps us, gives us information, works with us. 
Sometimes, he comes in and fucks it up. The higher-ups, they 
understand about Nobody. They don't like him, but they accept that 
he exists and that there's not much we can do about it. So, when we 
write up these reports, he's real handy for tying up loose ends. At 
the end of the day, the mission gets done the best we can do it, and 
the higher-ups get a story they can swallow. 


So kid, you didn't do it. You tried to take the skip in alive, but 
Nobody got in the way. Said some mysterious crap, I'll come up with 
that, and then left before we could stop him. Maybe jumped off the 
rooftop. He does shit like that, after all. He's Nobody. 


Is he real? | dunno, kid. Ask him yourself sometime. 


GOlng My Way 


Okay, so what happened is... 


No, sir, | would not lie to you. | will contain myself to the purely 
factual. Yes sir. No sir. The squid were factual. | have pictures. No 
sir, there were no squid at the village. 


Anyway, SO, we were waiting for the skip to show up when those 
Gock bastards showed up. Forgive my language, sir. | did not know 
you were sensitive, sir. | will try to be delicate in the future. 


Anyway, the Gocks. They showed up. They were tryin’ to be sneaky, 
but we spotted 'em pretty quick. Black is not a good camouflage 
color. | don't care if it's dark, you want some gray in there, break up 
your outline. Of course, that was just before Johnson sneezed. Yes 
sir. | will be sure to mention it to him at his wake. | am sure his 
widow will be appreciative of constructive criticism. 


There were a few shots fired, but no casualties then. More in way of 
a handshake. Yes sir, | am aware that | do not have sufficient 
authority to initiate hostilities with a group of interest. We were just 
shooting at each other, y'know, friendly-like. 


The Gock commander inquired as to the nature of our business 
there, and suggested that it might be best if we left the disposition of 
the skip to them. | suggested that instead, it might be best if they 
find another skip to kill, as we had prior interest in the one expected 
to soon arrive. 


The conversation moved on, and he inquired as to the health and 
quality of my sexual partners. | responded with politely worded 
questions as to whether or not his mother had studied the field of 
animal husbandry, as he looked like someone with farming blood. 
The warmth and politeness we showed each other, sir, it would melt 
the cockles of your heart. 


Our palaverin' ranged to many subjects what are not germane to this 
discussion, therefore | shall not speak of them further, except to 
mention that my men have a much larger vocabulary than what | 
would previously have credited them. They truly are a credit to the 
Foundation. 


It was after about five minutes of this that the windows started 
bleedin’, and we realized that the skip was gettin’ close. With nary a 
thought to our own safety, we assumed positions of maximum 
tacticality for the skip's expected entry, which were by great 
coincidence also mostly covered from the Gock's positions. 


Then we found out where our intelligence had fucked up yet again. 


lam sorry, sir. | did not realize that you were a sp- an intelligence 
operative. | meant only that despite their great efforts, which surely 
involved many hours of hazardous duty behind a desk fighting 
papercuts, they missed the fact that this fucker ate light. 


Excuse me again, sir. | meant this fascinating and no doubt valuable 
specimen. 


Anyway, it went pitch dark. The Gocks were apparently fully aware 
of this ability, a fact | mention only as a curiousity what you might 
mention to your erstwhile colleagues in intel. They had night vision 
goggles, and seemed to feel they were fully equipped to deal with 
said skip. | can only speculate based on their screaming that they 
were not briefed on its vulnerability to silver. So, y'know, some 
things are universal. 


Anyway, we started firin' blindly in the direction of the noises. Yeah, | 
think we probably killed a few of them, but you didn't hear 'em. Trust 
me, | don't think they woulda complained. 


After, we did some clean-up, an’ pulled out. If the Gock's pissed, 
well, they jumped into our op. They knew the risks, same as us. If it 
had gone alittle different, we'd've been the ones scattered across 
Angola, and it wouldn't have been their fault, neither. Excuse my 
French, sir, but shit happens. 


So, who won in the end? Well, most of us didn't die, but we ended 


up terminatin' the skip. So, y'know, call it a draw. 


Relationskips 


It don't pay to get too close to anyone in our line of work. They tell 
you that all the time. You will, though. We're stupid like that. 


First time you're in real danger, you should be thinkin’, "Gosh, I'm in 
constant threat of my life. A relationship would be a distraction, and 
not fair to the other person." Unfortunately, you are made for passin’ 
on your genes. First time you're in any real danger, every part of yer 
body, every fiber of yer bein’ is gonna say, "| almost died! 
Commence to havin' sex." This is because your body's an idiot. It 
thinks you're still a primitive human in the Great Rift Valley, an’ the 
danger it has in mind is a leopard comin’ to eat you. So it wants you 
to make a replacement, fast. 


So you're probably gonna ignore all this advice. You're gonna find 
someone else. Maybe a cute girl you meet downtown, or, God 
forbid, another agent. You've seen the videos. You've heard the 
stories. You know how we can end up. Imagine that's someone you 
care about. Yeah, that's fun. 


Now, the Foundation ain't gonna tell you you can't have a 
relationship. The higher-ups ain't that stupid. Never give an order 
what ain't gonna be followed. Instead, they send you to "counselin’." 
They hope they can change your mind. Hey, you know what they 
play in the counseler's lobby all the time? Old Yeller. Yeah, that's the 
sublety an' understandin' we've come to expect at the Foundation. 


But like | said, it doesn't do much good. You're probably gonna do it 
anyway. I'm just hopin' maybe one or two of you is smart enough to 
listen. 


The rest of you, though, are gonna get busy. Maybe get married. 
Maybe have kids. Best case scenario, the stress of the job drives 
you to a divorce. Worst case scenario, one of you had to put a bullet 
into the other one, because it's the kindest thing left. 


whereupon the virus’s symptoms become manifest. Antivirals and 
inoculations have thus far been ineffective in cleansing carriers of 
the virus. 


While Foundation operations in support of SCP-730’s recovery and 
public suppression were successful, the possibility that carrier 
individuals remain at large cannot be discounted. Surveillance of 
public health institutions is ongoing even as materials recovered 
from the initial outbreak are studied to seek a treatment. 


Incident 730-01: Capture Summary SCP-730 was designed to 
affect fertilized mammalian embryos and intervene in the 
developmental process to produce “decerebrated” or brainless 
organisms. It was Dr. intention to use this virus to produce 
animals without higher brain function which could be raised for meat 
production without the ethical complications of killing thinking 
creatures for food. 


Shortly after the first successful test with sheep embryos, the virus 
mutated and was able to cross into members of the lab's staff. 
Because the virus does not manifest in adults, this jump was not 
initially detected. Only once hospitals in the region reported an 
epidemic of unprecedented birth defects did the Foundation become 
interested and the cause identified. 


The epidemic was intercepted before it spread beyond local 
confines to the global population. Sanitation procedures denied the 
virus an endemic population of passive carriers to further its spread. 
Materials and infected subjects were obtained and isolated under 
Foundation custody for further study, as were Foundation personnel 
exposed during the initial investigation. 


« SCP-729 | SCP-730 | SCP-731 » 


And God help you if you ever fall for a skip. Seriously, don't do that 
shit. 


Was | ever married? Yeah, once. Her name? | don't remember her 
name. They won't let me. 


...| think she was beautiful. 


Orientation 


Welcome to yer orientation. | am Agent Max Lombardi. | am your 
instructor, on account that my leg is broken and someone in 
Personnel hates me. 


Now, you're here because the possibility exists that you are not 
jackasses and might could be useful in the containment of 
anomalous items what are going to try to kill you. 


So, let's start with the basic mission. We are out to find weird shit 
and bring it back, and then to contain it. Your more scholarly 
colleagues are the ones who study it from behind bullet-proof glass 
and bitch about how hard their job is. They are receiving a similar 
briefing in Room 67. They got donuts and coffee in there, just in 
case you was hopin' there might be some modicum of justice in this 
cold, uncarin' bitch of a universe. 


Anyway, some of youse are gonna be retrieval, like me, while others 
are gonna be containment. You might even switch it around 
sometimes. Retrieval generally is preceeded by investigation by 
intel. Intel—who also have coffee and donuts, in case you were 
wonderin’ how far the budget stretches—will go forth, find leads, 
gather facts, and then tell you sweet fuck all. 


On receipt of this dearth of information, you will go out to exotic 
locales where you will be forbidden from stoppin’ and havin' a drink 
or conversin' with the locals what aren't tryin’ to kill you. You will go 
to where intel tells you the whatever-the-fuck is. An agent much 
higher on the food chain than you will go and talk to people for the 
purpose of figurin' out what's goin’ on. Do not envy this agent. Shit 
goes wrong, he's in the worst place possible. Anyway, once he gives 
the go-ahead, the rest of the team comes in and takes out the skip 
as quiet as possible. 


Skip, by the way, is what we call said anomalous entities. | am sure | 
do not need to tell you where it comes from. 


Now, sometimes skips don't come along so quiet as we would like. | 
mean, sure, maybe it's a nice inanimate object that don't hurt no 
one, or some guy who don't even want to go around free if he's 
hurtin' someone. Most of the time, it's somethin’ easy. But 
sometimes, it's somethin’ that really don't want to come along quiet- 
like an’ it has the means to enforce its wishes. So you apply stronger 
coercion. Ideally, intel will have figured out what this skip can take 
an' you can proceed directly to enough firepower to knock it loopy. 
Ideally, we would have donuts and coffee. Since we usually go in 
knowin’ jack shit, you'll start off with your bare hands and work up 
from there. 


Now, at a certain point, it looks like yer gonna have to choose 
between catchin' the skip an' comin’ home on your own two feet. 
Who here is willin' to die rather than give up on the mission? One, 
two, three, four... Okay, you five fail. Counter to what some dingbats 
will tell you, the latter is actually the preferred option. Capturin' skips 
is the name of the game, but findin' agents who can actually do the 
fuckin’ job is hard, an' you can always catch more skips later on. 
Your best option is to run the fuck away. That way, they can always 
send someone else in to get the fucker. If you can't, an’ it comes 
down to a life-or-limb decision, that's when you pull out your gun and 
you shoot the fucker. If that don't work, you shoot it again, because 
ninety-nine times outta a hundred, shootin’ wil/ work if you do 
enough of it. 


This don't mean you got leave to shoot anything that moves 'cause 
Agent Lombardi told you so. You do it when you gotta. We aim to 
bring these things in whole an’ intact. But if that ain't gonna happen, 
the Foundation will settle for studyin' what's left. 


So, them's the basics of retrieval. The rest of you are gonna be 
involved in containment. 


Now, containment is in some ways easier. You know where the skip 
is, and hopefully you got some idea of what the damned thing does 
and how to stop it. However, there are some complications. 


First off, the skip might be watchin’ you too, dependin' on how smart 
it is. That means it's got a better idea of what we can do. It gets out, 
it's gonna know what the uniforms mean, and who's likely to be 


armed. It's also gonna be pissed. Ideally, it is more pissed at the 
guys in white coats stickin' needles into it, but it might remember it 
was your buddies who rolled it up an’ brought it there. 


Also, unless you're at a single-skip site, if it gets loose, it might let 
other shit out too, an' suddenly you're dealin’ with five or six skips 
instead of just one. Now, they might just start fightin’ amongst 
themselves, but you're gonna have to go in the middle of all that to 
break 'em up, and they just ain't gonna play along. 


Also, remember how | said most of the time, retrieval is goin’ after 
somethin’ harmless? Yeah, you don't get that luxury. Sure, some of 
the skips you're guardin' are safe. But some of them will rip off your 
head and scoop out yer brains. And you're around them every 
fuckin' day. This is especially true if you're at one of them single-skip 
sites | mentioned, because they don't put them kinda resources to 
work to watch the fuckin’ vending machine. 


So, that's life as an agent for ya. Questions? 


You with the glasses an’ the turtleneck. How weird? Well, | once 
saw a guy have his bones turned into jelly. Grape jelly. Yes, they did 
tests. They all came back grape. That weird enough? 


Guy with the buzzcut, shoot. Who decides what we go after? 
Generally, it'll be a site director in charge of retrieval. Ultimately, it 
goes up to the O5 Council, but they're really more into general 
strategy then day-to-day operations. 


Okay, you with the messed up piercing. | don't know where this shit 
comes from. It's intel's job to figure that shit out. Please refer back to 
my previous statements on intel. 


Red shirt, third row. Health benefits? They're great, if you come 
back alive. We got the best doctors on the planet. If it's possible to 
get you back on yer feet again, they'll do it. 


Yes, you in the back. With the duck. The upside to the job? Well, for 
one thing, we get paid pretty good. For another, if we don't do the 
job, the world will probably end. That ain't a joke. Seriously, 
somebody has to do this job. Don't you wanna live to see tomorrow?