Come on down to Stein Plaza SUNDAY, 
SUNDAY, SUNDAY to see renowned sculptor 
Auguste Menard battle her inner demons ina 
no-holds-barred cagematch! She has no 
combat experience whatsoever. Wrestling 
fanatics with paramedic training are 
encouraged to attend. 


Luxury Goods and Services: 

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product, or genetically modified animal that you 
just didn't know how to bring into the world? 
Brainstorm no longer with Oneiroi 
Incorporated's patented Retrideal Therapy! 
Experience a relaxing neural surgery as our 
technicians excise that pesky thought from 
your grey matter with cutting-edge Invasive+ 
Technology™. Save up to 10% or more by 
pairing the procedure with a cleansing lobe 
polish! 


Behind the Portlands: 

Discover the reality behind the legend ona 
guided tour through the pocket universe in 
which Jimmy Hoffa's body is suspended in 
an aqueous solution. Rest assured, the natural 
aphrodisiac properties of Jimmy-Gel are not 
exaggerated. Just don't hoff your free sample 
until you get home. 


Yasmine Rahman 
Three Portlands Tourism Pamphlet, Summer 


2018 


Honestly? Moving our HQ and main production 
facility to Three Portlands was the best 
decision Vincent ever made. 


Three Ports gave us the freedom to work 
unhindered, minus what the city felt it was due. 
We were able to tap into a talented base of 
former Prometheus Labs employees, 
thaumatologists, and Maxwellists. All of that, 
and we were still only a few Ways away from 
Oregon, the UK, Maine, and contacts in the 
Library. Anderson Robotics would have failed a 


lot sooner anywhere else. 


Perhaps that's why it was so shocking when it 
all came crashing down. We were set. We had 
it all. We were unstoppable. 


I'd be lying if | said | didn't miss those days. 


Isaac Dillard, 
Money, Magic, and Machines 


To Twenty-One Hundred Eyes Uplifted Under 
Scorching Skies, 


It's not surprising you'd ask about expanding 
your influence into Three Portlands. The Three 
City is a well-known hotbed for people like us, 
and every young goddx like yourself wants a 


slice of the hot young hipster demographic to 
be the face of their following. My pacts with 
various other cosmological heresiarchs dictate 
that | save the juiciest marketing strategies for 
deities omnipotent enough to conjure me more 
than a single tonne of gold a month; 
nonetheless, | do still have advice (almost 
certainly not befitting for somegod of your 
stature). 


| would advise you branch out to some of the 
more libertine groups within the city. I'm aware 
that the Madmen have a certain degree of 
influence there, and their more anarchist 
tendencies certainly align with many of the 
tenets of your belief-body. Certainly, any 
number of wandering artists might be inspired 
to take you on as a muse, though do ask for a 
background check before you shake any 
hands. Portlands has a history of harbouring 
the kinds of artists who turn their rivals into 
Impressionist works. 


But it doesn't take me to forecast your specific 
powers might be more applicable in service to 
Oneiroi Incorporated, the architects behind 
most of the memory palaces in the Prime 
Plane. Their memetic engineering, your slightly 
distressing habit of telepathically inflicting 
sand-based erotic fantasies on innocent 
bysleepers; a recipe for a collaboration with a 
juicy cut in it for both you and your faithful 
advisor. 


Afraid you're not paying me enough to say 
more, so that's all the advice I'll give you this 
equinox — though feel free to drop me another 
tonne of precious metal if you're in a real pickle 
that happens to fall within my hours of 
operation. 


Yours in nocturnal apotheosis, 
Saturn Deer & Fellow Degenerates Financial 


Three Portlands? 


Yeah | knows the place. We had one of our 
biggest joints down there this side o' the 
Mississippi. Don't matter how much magic you 
got in ya, there's some things only booze can 
take care of - and booze is something the Spirit 
had plenty of. We had all sorts tryna come in 
and get a piece of that rum cake, you know 
what I'm saying. Snakes, leadheads, all those 


magic bimbos. Actin' real tough, tryna threaten 
us and run us out of town with their fancy tricks 
and lightshows. 


| tell you though, magic don't mean squat when 
you're staring down the barrel of a Thompson. 


Roland MacDell 
Former Chicago Spirit, Foundation 
Deliberations, September 26th, 1972 


Sure, we've always had the place in Kenosha, 
but that's more of a place to get your head 
together. Three Portlands is a little different. 
It's like a safe haven, untouched by Janitors 
and those weird Tank-Fuckers. | mean, G-d 
knows they're here, but it's muted. You feel like 
you can be who you wanna be here. G-d, 


that's corny, isn't it? But trust me, | got about 
six ex-girlfriends here, and about a half of them 
are Gamers Against Weed. It's a safe place for 
us, all things aside. 


But | mean, you'd think this Twin Peaks bullshit 
would be beyond me, but | was born around 
here. And | can't stay away for long. It doesn't 
get greener than this anywhere else in the 
world, if you ask me. There's something primal 
here, and that's why it's so special. | kinda 
sound like this Wiccan | used to date. She still 
lives around here. But trust me, you'll be okay. 


Esther Kogan 
“lesbian_gengar”’, co-founder of GAW 


YOU! 


are invited to the GRANDE OPENING of 
WILSON'S WILDLIFE SOLUTIONS!!! 

Boring, Oregon is home to some of the 
craziest, most wonderful animals this side of 
the Pacific and Atlantic Ocean, and for lively 
wildlife we require lively wildlife specialists! 
come see the newest, spangliest shiniest new 
institution of pest control and injured animal 
rehabilitation! 

Dinner and dessert will be provided — — 
including vegetrian, vegan, and gluten free 
options of pasta, salads, and burgers. Feel free 
to bring any food you so wish to, potluck 
community all-you-can-eat style! Get to know 
the people who will be keeping our streets 
clean and our forests lush! 


whatever it was, or maybe fob it off onto the US. Of 
course, that all came to light right before the Iron Curtain 
fell, and given the atmosphere at the time, it was 
practically impossible to convince the directors that they 
weren't talking about nukes, and even once | did, they 
still didn't think this was worthy of action. | mean, the 
[REDACTED] will probably have me hanged for treason 
if they ever find me, but it was worth the risk. And by 
what | can gather, it sounds like Russia thinks so too - 
loaning you half the Pacific Fleet, and all... 


See Also: 
Incident Report 1741-A 


« SCP-740 | SCP-741 | SCP-742 » 


Our brande new building is way past the Not 
So Boring Bar & Grill on SE Wally Rd., on the 
right. Big and green, can't miss it! 


HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE!!! 


Tim Wilson 
Invitation to Wilson's Wildlife Solutions 
Opening Party, November 29th, 1997 


She gingerly placed the notes back in her pocket and flicked the 
cigarette butt into the night. Letting out a final plume of smoke, she 
turned and walked towards a wooden door in the brick wall behind 
her. 


"Strange things are done in the Northwest Rains," she whispered. 


The lock clicked open and soon she had vanished beyond the 
threshold, closing the door behind her. 


As another car passed by, the door slowly faded and then 
disappeared. 


Articles: 


The following are presented in roughly chronological order. 


¢ Make Portland Weirder 
* SCP-3460 

¢ Rainier Night 

* SCP-3310 

¢ Good As New 

* Paper Pusher 

* SCP-2960 


¢ Burnt Bridges 


1. 15-11-2012 


2. Meeting Over Coffee 


3. J.T. H. 


4. The Templar Incident 


5. Bridges Burnt 


SCP-2106 
SCP-1360 


Peregrine 


1. Last Meetings 

2. Simple Sketches 
3. Products 

4. Building Up 

5. Tearing Down 


Three Farewells 
SCP-2987 
SCP-2906 
SCP-2860 


The Elusive Anderson 


1. Hunting Anderson 
2. Finding Anderson 
3. Meeting Anderson 


The Analog Kid 
SCP-3613 
SCP-3060 
SCP-2306 
SCP-2806 
All Hallows 


Austringers 


1. Ties That Bind 
2. Realignment 
3. Consolidation 
4. Bal-chatri 


* SCP-3108 

¢ No Good Deed 

* Decisions We Make 

* The Blackbird and The Falcon 

* No Matter What Mask You Wear 
* SCP-3960 


* SCP-3560 


1. Hector and Jacob 
2. Assault on Site-64 


* Priorities 
¢ Family Disclosure Protocol 
* SCP-3860 


* End of Line 


1. The Vanishing of Vincent Anderson 
2. Non-Volatile Memory 

3. The Best Laid Plans 

4. Volatile Memory 

5. End of Line 


Overview: 


Strange things are done in the Pacific Northwest, and the fine folks 
at Site-64 are there to keep them contained. Nestled between the 
doorstep of a massive extradimensional city-state, a large 
anomalous art community, the world headquarters of Anderson 
Robotics, and the natural habitat of a bizarre array of wildlife, the 
SCP Foundation certainly needs all hands on deck in this region. 


Set among this colorful backdrop "Those Twisted Pines" is a diverse 
canon exploring a variety of themes. So far this has included: 


¢ What conflict exists between an MTF agent's duty/ambition, 
and their family? 
¢ Why does the Foundation intentionally create anomalies on 


occasion? 
* To what lengths will the Foundation go to accommodate the 
families of employees? 
Is it acceptable to allow smaller anomalies to remain 
uncontained if it means more effective maintenance of the 
Veil? 
¢ When is the Foundation willing to allow a Group of Interest to 
remain in control of an anomaly? 
* To what degree do sapient anomalies struggle for 
individualism and self-affirmation? 


Site-64 and Three Portlands are always changing, however, and 
there is plenty of room for you to leave your mark on the Pacific 
Northwest. 


Contributor Guide: 


The Pacific Northwest is a geographic region consisting of the states 
of Washington and Oregon. With the exception of a few articles and 
tales that overlap with The Gulf canon, or take place at Site-19, most 
pieces in "Those Twisted Pines" take place in this region, 
specifically at Site-64 or within Three Portlands. A more detailed 
look into both of these locations can be found in their respective 
hubs: 


* Secure Facility Dossier: Site-64 
« UIU Location Dossier -- "Three Portlands" 


Within "Those Twisted Pines" the SCP Foundation and its 
operatives are often pragmatic in their approach to containment. 
Anartists and Thaumatologists are on the payroll to help make 
containment of these phenomena easier. Foundation operatives 
have an option to bring their families onto their side of the veil 
through the "Family Disclosure Protocol." Staff dormitories are 
available in Site-64, but the staff is also allowed to live in the nearby 
Portland Metro Area. While the Foundation is still quite a cold place 
to work, in this canon they have taken just a tinier step further away 
from cruel. 


Numerous Gols are major players in "Those Twisted Pines" as well: 


The Unusual Incidents Unit is a major law enforcement 
agency in Three Portlands. The SCP Foundation often work in 
conjunction with, or through them, in their operations in Three 
Portlands. 

The Chaos Insurgency, Prometheus Labs, Chicago Spirit, 
AWCY? and Maxwellist Church all operate or have operated 
to various degrees within the Three Portlands and the 
surrounding regions. 

Through a special set of accords with the SCP Foundation, 
Wilson's Wildlife Solutions often handle anomalous wildlife in 
the region. 

Anderson Robotics used the Pacific Northwest as the base for 
building its paratech empire. 


There is plenty of room left for these factions to clash or collaborate 
with one another. They just need you to write the articles and tales. 


Additional Reading: 


The following have been major influences on numerous factors 
within "Those Twisted Pines" and as such overlap with this canon in 
many places. It is encouraged, but not mandatory, that those 
wishing to contribute to the canon be somewhat familiar with them: 


The Gulf Canon 

Third Law Canon 

AIAD Canon 

Learning The Alphabet 

Anderson Robotics Hub 

Wilson's Wildlife Solutions Hub 


Rainier Night 


It was raining hard out by Site 84, a torrential downpour. It always 
seemed to rain out by Mount Rainier and in the Pacific Northwest, 
but it was especially bad tonight. The radio had crackled earlier with 
news of a flood warning in the park, and it just looked like that might 
be the case. 


There were only two Foundation personnel within the Site itself, the 
usual number. Calling it a Site was a bit of a misnomer, as it was 
hardly more than a well furnished and modern cabin in the woods. 
Only contained one anomaly, after all. 


"How long does it take for him to show up?" 
"You're getting impatient.” 


"I've been out here, sitting in this shack for three weeks. | 
was told that he popped in frequently, but | haven't seen 
him once." 


"I've been working this job almost ten years. He shows 
up when he wants to, on his time. Not yours, not 
anybody else. He's been out for months sometimes." 


"Months? | could be waiting months more?" 


"Relax kid, just enjoy it. This is one of the cushiest 
assignments in the Foundation. Sit back in a nice little 
cabin, collect a body every so often, and ship it off to 
another site if it's different. Nothing too difficult." 


A flash of light flooded into the cabin. One Mississippi. Two 
Mississippi. Three Mississippi. Four Mississippi. Five Mississippi. 
The crack of thunder echoed in, interrupting the conversation for a 
moment. Only a mile away. Probably struck somewhere in the park 
itself. 


"| didn't sit through task force level training for this!" 
"| used to be a Site Director, did you know that?" 


The older man got up, and turned away from the windows looking 
out into the rain. He walked over to the fireplace, and adjusted the 
flames. He grabbed another log and placed it amoung the others, 
waiting for it to catch fire. 


"No shit, where?" 
"Site-—64, down in Portland." 
"That's a big one. How'd you wind up here, then?" 


"This is my retirement, kid. | got tired of the business of 
the Director life, and | turned in my two weeks. | had two 
options - amnestics or a cushy job." 


"Didn't want amnestics?" 
"| Know where amnestics come from. It's not pretty." 


A soft alarm began to ring out from the computers on the far wall of 
the cabin. Both of the men turned to look. Passing between the 
monitors was a tall, pale figure with a body slung over his back. He 
was not dressed for the rain but trudged onward. 


"There he is." 


The two walked over to the monitors, and watched the ritual 
procedure. The hunter threw his dead wife into the fire pit, and then 
poured out a bottle of whiskey. He stopped towards the end, and 
finished the bottle off before tossing a lighter into the fire pit. 


The body caught fire, where so many others like it had burned. The 
stranger watched, as he had done hundreds of times before, until he 
got tired of the flames. A knife was pulled out of his robes, and a 
mark was made upon the ground. With his task accomplished, the 
figure left the scene. 


"Go and get the corpse." 


"In this weather?" 


"We need to collect the corpse before it burns 
completely. I'd get moving if | were you." 


The younger man grabbed his rain coat and braced himself for the 
storm he would face outside. He rushed out into the deluge, running 
along the muddy path that connected Site 84 to the fire pit. It was a 
path he had walked before, but only for practice, never for the real. 


He made it to the path after a few minutes, and grabbed the water 
bucket. The rain had already filled the bucket to the brim, negating 
the need to use the well. He tossed the water onto the corpse, and 
climbed down into the pit to pull it out.