SCP-029-J-2 ceases to appear as a late model 
sedan, and can be seen in its angelic form 
(See Description). It's wings make up the bulk 
of the vehicle's chassis, with its face situated 
where the rear axle should be. SCP-026-J-1 
continues to appear as non-anomalous 
wheels. 


Mcintyre: Holy fuck, what the fuck! Jesus 
Christ, what the hell is this?! 


SCP-029-J: Hey! That's not very nice! Don't be 
a dick to Mike and Ray! 


SCP-029-J-2: Yeah what the deuce, lady. I've 
got human meat butt on my face, and you're 
screaming at me?! I'm trying to do you a favor 
with the fire here! 


SCP-029-J-2 returns to its physical 
appearance of a late model sedan. SCP-029- 
J-1 begins turning at this point, prompting 
Foundation agents to follow. 


SCP-029-J-1: Ow ow ow ow ow ow... 
SCP-029-J-2: You okay Ray? 


SCP-029-J-1: Broken...glass...ow.. Just had 
to pick the most run down hellhole on earth: 
New Jersey. 


McIntyre has begun screaming at this point, 
and attempting to leave SCP-029-J's vehicle, 
but is unable to climb over SCP-029-J-2. 


Mcintyre: Oh god, oh god, oh god, please 
help me. 


SCP-029-J: Yeah, I'm trying. Calm down lady. 
Ray, come on man, Say the thing. 


SCP-029-J-1: Alright, alright. 


SCP-029-J-1 can be heard making a sound 
similar to clearing its throat 


SCP-029-J-1: BE NOT AFRAID. 


McIntyre stops panicking and appears 
shocked and agitated. 


Mcintyre: Are you fucking with me?! That's it?! 
"Be not afraid?" 


SCP-029-J-1: Hey, it was good enough for his 


mom. 


Mcintyre: Wait...his mom...what the fuck, 
you're /iterally Jesus? That's not just a name? 


SCP-029-J: Of course! We're all here to try 
and reach the people. And what better way, 
but through Uber! Jesus saves...you a trip! Ha! 


Several seconds pass. SCP-029-J-3 ceases to 
play music. 


SCP-029-J-3: Awkward. 


SCP-029-J-1: By the way, we're here. Also, 
ow. 


McIntyre: Open the fucking door. 


SCP-029-J: Oh come on lady, I'm Jesus 
Christ, Lamb of God! I'm here to help! 


Mcintyre: Just open the door. 


SCP-029-J: Okay, okay. No need to crucify 
anyone or anything. Ha-ha! 


Several moments pass 
SCP-029-J: No? Alright, open the door, Mike. 


SCP-029-J-2 opens its side door, and Mcintyre 
quickly exits in to the building. 


Mcintyre: FREAK! 
Several moments pass in silence. 


SCP-029-J: So...think she's gonna tip us? 


Final Notes 


According to SCP-029-u's profile, it was rated 
1 star for this ride. 


Addendum 2: Direct Foundation Contact 


Prepared by the Department 
of Intelligence 


Reporter: 
Agents Mathews 
Date of Report 
April 24, 2017 
Incident 


Direct contact with object 


Summary 


On 4/19/2017 Foundation agents successfully 
acquired SCP-029-J as their driver after 
[REDACTED] unsuccessful attempts. 
SCP-029-J simultaneously picked up 12 
separate containment teams at the same time. 
The following is a transcript between 
SCP-029-J, the various entities that make up 
SCP-029-J's vehicle, and Agent Mathews; an 
expert in Abrahamic religious studies and a 
trained field agent. 


Transcript of Encounter 


Involved Foundation Assets: Agent James 


Mathews, Level 2, Religious Containment - 
Abrahamics 


Encountered Anomalies: SCP-029-J, 
SCP-029-J-1, SCP-029-J-2, SCP-029-J-3, 
SCP-029-J-4 


SCP-029-J: Alright, you guys have been trying 
to get me in to containment for what feels like 
forty eons, so | guess we should talk. 


Agent Mathews: Excuse me? I'm just trying to 
get to Forest Hills. 


SCP-029-J: Agent James Mathews, age 31, 
Foundation Level 2 Agent, you have two kids, 
a wife, and are having an affair with Jeanie 
from HR? 


Agent Mathews appears distressed. 


Agent Mathews: Wait, what?! How did you 
know about Jeanie? 


SCP-029-J-2: ...did you actually just ask God 
how he knows something? 


Agent Mathews lifts his lapel mic slightly. 
Agent Mathews: | am not having an affair. 


SCP-029-J-2: Whatever man, you know he 
knows everything right? 


Agent Mathews is informed of the other 
containment teams also being detained by 
SCP-029-J. 


Agent Mathews: Wait, how are you here? 


SCP-029-J: Okay say it with me, Omni...omni 
puh... omnipr... 


Agent Mathews sighs. 
Agent Mathews: Omnipresent. 
SCP-029-J: Bingo. 


Agent Mathews: Okay. So you know who | 
am, and what I'm here for. So | guess my 
question is: Why? 


SCP-029-J: I've gotten a bad rap. We're here 
to try and improve my image. 


Agent Mathews: And who, exactly is "we"? 
SCP-029-J-1: I'm the wheels. 
SCP-029-J-2: I'm the body! 


SCP-029-J-4: We're the engine! Vroom 
vroom! 


SCP-029-J: Yeah. Me, Ray, Mike, Gabe, and 
the Cherubs. | was just gonna have Ray do it, 
but it wasn't a great idea. He's a kick ass set of 
wheels-within-wheels but he doesn't get XM 
radio. | guess you could say, this is a real 
electric car! Ha! 


Several moments pass in silence 


SCP-029-J: See, in the Septuagint 2awn was 
translated as nAgKTpov, and from there... 


Agent Mathews: No, | got it. I'm one of maybe 
four people in the world who would get that 
joke, and it still wasn't funny. 


SCP-029-J-3 ceases playing the Jesus Christ 
Superstar soundtrack. 


SCP-029-J-3: Awkward. If he knows we're 


angels, can | talk now? My throat's getting dry, 
from singing the whole time. 


SCP-029-J: No, you're the radio, Gabe. 


SCP-029-J-3: Fine. Doo doo do, dah dah 
dum...who are you what do you say you 
aaaahre! 


SCP-029-J-3 continues vocalizing. 


SCP-029-J-2: Your singing sucks, Gabe, you 
can't hit any of Judas' high notes properly. 


SCP-029-J-3: Shut up, Mike. At least | don't 
have to get my wings dinged by drunks every 
night. 


SCP-029-J-1: At least you don't have to drive 
on your EYES all night! Every night! 


SCP-029-J-4 become visible, as a group of 12 
visually non-anomalous Welsh corgis 


SCP-029-J-4: Are we getting food soon? 
There's a Halal Guys on Halsey! 


SCP-029-J: Heavenly host, | command you to 
stop complaining or so help me, I'll turn this 
chariot around! 


SCP-029-J-1 through 4 in unison: Yes, sir. 
Sorry, sir. 


Agent Mathews: So...wait, you're telling me 
this ‘car’ that I'm in right now, is the Archangel 
Michael as the chassis, the Archangel Gabriel 
as the radio, Raziel, Lord of Thrones as the 
wheels, and is pulled by 12 Cherubim. And it's 
driven by Jesus? 


SCP-029-J: Give this man a shekel! | figured if 


activated it has no effect. 


The various forms of electromagnetic waves able to activate 
SCP-535-1 will be retransmitted to the surroundings regardless of 
the object SCP-535-1 is poured on. 


Physical text and images will be transcribed onto any solid surface 
in the areas where SCP-535-1 is poured onto (note that text 
displayed on a digital screen is considered digital media rather than 
print). This is invariably in the same medium the text was originally 
written in. Any large collection of text is usually unreadable, as it is 
resized to fit inside the area in contact with SCP-535-1 and only a 
relatively small amount of SCP-535-1 is available at any one time 
due to SCP-535's small size. 


When a living human comes within range of SCP-535-1, SCP-535-1 
turns white. However, human memories and thoughts are not 
retransmitted with the same efficiency as other information. The 
effects of pouring active white SCP-535-1 onto another person are 
highly unpredictable. In benign situations, the subject may acquire a 
minor fact or memory. Far more common, however, is mental 
illness, including but not limited to schizophrenia, dissociative 
identity disorder, severe anxiety or generalised hallucinations. 
Schizophasia is also a common effect. In the most extreme cases 
coma followed by death may occur. So far no pattern has been 
discerned as to the potential effects of active white SCP-535-1. 
Further testing with caution is warranted. 


The mental contents of other beings do not affect SCP-535-1, with 
the exception of [DATA EXPUNGED] resulting in [DATA 
EXPUNGED] 


Addendum: Dr. has suggested using the replicative 
properties of SCP-535 with regards to physical media to reproduce 
substances of value to the Foundation. This proposal has been 
approved by O5-2 and preliminary experimentation has been 
scheduled. 


« SCP-534 | SCP-535 | SCP-536 » 


| do this, people can really get to know their 
savior. 


Agent Mathews: Okay, so isn't your chariot 
supposed to have this giant multitude of 
angels, move the heavens and the earth, 
everything like that? 


SCP-029-J hesitates for a moment 


SCP-029-J: Uuuusually, yes. Circumstances 
were slightly different. Dad wouldn't lend me 
the regular throne-chariot. So instead, I've got 
my own sweet whip to drive people around in. 


Agent Mathews: Sweet...wh..okay. So why 
did all of the angels help? 


SCP-029-J-1: | owed him for a taco, and he 
said we'd be square. 


SCP-029-J-2: He said he'd watch my dogs 
next weekend while I'm in Cabo. 


SCP-029-J-3: | just like singing! 
SCP-029-J-4: Wait, this is voluntary? 
Agent Mathews: Okay one last question. 
SCP-029-J: Of course. 


Agent Mathews: Why do the Cherubim look 
like corgis? 


SCP-029-J: They always look like that. How 
do you guys keep getting the descriptions so 
wrong? 


Agent Mathews: I'd like to get out of the car, 
please. 


Final Notes 
After this incident, containment procedures 
were updated to reflect the current state. 


Addendum 3: Human Resources Request 


Prepared by the Department 
of Human Resources 


Reporter: 

Agent Mathews 

Date of Report 

Apr 30, 2017 

Content 

Agent Mathews' resignation letter, in its entirety 


| am not studying Jesus’ fucking voltron angel 
car anymore. 


Item #: SCP-5200-J 
Object Class: DARE 


Special Containment Procedures: As SCP-5200-d is not possible 
to contain, a public information campaign has been started to help 
members of the public JUST SAY NO! If any staff member is found 
considering giving in to SCP-5200-d, they are to be given a stern 
talking-to, followed by a dance number. 


Description: SCP-5200-J is a phenomenon most commonly found 
in secondary school environments and on the streets, where 
innocent inner city kids are just trying to get by. SCP-5200-J is a 
feeling that you have to give in to what the cool kids are doing, or 
else you won't be cool, right? Giving into SCP-5200-J has many 
results, the most common being 


* Getting hooked on the wacky tobacky. 
¢ Dropping out of school. 

¢ Letting down your schoolyard chums. 
* Not making the team. 

* Feeling down all the time. 

¢ Disappointing your parents. 

* DEATH 


The most effective way to combat SCP-5200-u's effect is to JUST 
SAY NOI, which has been proven to be effective in almost 99% of 
all SCP-5200-J cases. 


SCP-41-D3N73-J: Lotsa Pasta 


Item #: SCP-41-D3N73-J 
Object Class: worst 


Special Containment Procedures: |...| don't know. Seriously, 
just...whatever. They're in a room, they're not hurting anyone. | 
guess if one of them gets sassy just boil it in water and be done with 
it. For real. | had them install a stove and sink in the room just for 
that because there's no oversight in this department. Also, you're not 
supposed to eat them, but if you want to live life on the edge I'm not 
going to stop you. 


Description: SCP-41-D3N73-J is a shelf of sapient boxes of pasta, 
all unfortunately capable of speech. There's linguine, capellini, 
mostaccioli, penne...probably spaghetti and angel hair too, | dunno. 
| got bored of listening to them and gave up checking each box. 
They all speak English in a frankly offensive and exaggerated Italian 
accent. It's pretty insulting, especially when you consider my parents 
were Italian immigrants. Yeah, thanks for assigning this one to me, 
knowing that my mom died 4 months ago. Really cool. 


SCP-41-D3N73-J instances are not capable of movement, and 
mostly spend their time arguing with each other in their Looney 
Toons-esque vernacular, which usually lacks any semblance of 
sense, continuity, or just general logic. | did some science and the 
result is that SCP-41-D3N73 is the dumbest goddam thing we've 
ever contained. See the interview below. Tried to make the 
language as accurate as possible so the insensitivity really shines 
through. 


Interview 41-D3-whatever 


Me: Hello, | am Dr. Fattore. May | ask you a few 
questions? 


SCP-41-D3N73-J(a single box of rigatoni): Oh ma 
goodness! Of a coursa you may! 


Me: Jesus. Yeah, okay...what is your earliest memory? 


SCP-41-D3N73-J: Letta me think about that one! | think 
it wasa when my mama made a me a big ol' spicy 
meatball! 


Me: ... 


SCP-41-D3N73-J: Ora maybe it a was whena my papa 
firsta broughta me to church. | wasa very young boy 
anda | hada just turned a 3 yearsa old, and hada eat my 
first cannoli. 


Me: Okay. Okay. So, I'm just going to rephrase the 
question a bit. 


SCP-41-D3N73-J: Soundsa gooda! 

Me: Stop. Just. Stop. Stop it. 

SCP-41-D3N73-J: I'ma no doing anything! 

Me: Why do you choose to be this way? 
SCP-41-D3N73-J: Whata you mean? 

Me: Do you have free will? 

SCP-41-D3N73-J: I...1...a...1 don'ta...don't really know. 
Me: Your accent is dropping. 


SCP-41-D3N73-J: |...don't...don'ta know whatta you 
talking about? 


Me: Did you care at all when | boiled your neighbor? Do 
you miss Rotini at all? 


SCP-41-D3N73-J: Mya mama used a to make a rotini 
sometimes... 


Me: No. No, the box of rotini that was next to you. The 
one you used to have conversations with about Venice 
constantly. The one who wouldn't answer any of my 
questions and kept blathering about Mussolini so | 
emptied his contents into a pot of boiling water, and now 
he doesn't seem to talka so gooda anymore. 


SCP-41-D3N73-J: ...I'ma having an existential-a crisis! 


Me: Sometimes | have a hard time with the notion that 
I'm ostensibly being paid $78 an hour to have 
conversations with things like you. 


SCP-41-D3N73: | knowa whata you mean! It'sa like 
whena da pasta no come out al dente! 


Me: ...Oh goddammit, that's why...that's why they 
designated you 41-D(angry Joe Pesci-style mumbling)... 
unbelievable. Some idiot probably thought that was 
hilarious. This place is run by (even pescier mumbling) 


SCP-41-D3N73-J: Mama mia! 
sound of a box of pasta hitting a concrete wall 
the pesciest of mumbling can be faintly heard 


Addendum-1: So, um, | know | probably shouldn't be writing 
anything here, or touching anything, but one of the boxes of pasta 
fell on the floor and was screaming in broken Italian, and Dr. Fattore 
wasn't in his office, just a crude dummy he put together to make it 
look like he was asleep at his laptop. So | put the pasta box back on 
the shelf and it's just whimpering now about the trains running on 
time. Please don't fire me. - Ardy from Southeast Custodial 
Professionals. 


SCP-069-J: "Sisters of Cheyenne Point" 


Item #: SCP-069 
Object Class: Safe 


Special Containment Procedures: SCP-069 is stored in its original 
packaging in a standard Safe-class object secure locker at Site 19. 


Access to SCP-069 requires prior permission from at least two (2) 
Level-3 personnel, and SCP-069 may only be used on a secure, 
isolated computer in the Anomalous Data Laboratory of Section 3. 
Use of SCP-069 on any terminal with a live network or internet 
connection will be cause for immediate revocation of access rights 
or termination. 


Personnel found using SCP-069 for excessive periods of time or in 
dereliction of duty will be terminated immediately. 


Description: SCP-069 was retrieved by SCP-507 during a 
displacement period lasting from //200 to //200 . Upon his 
return, SCP-069 was found in his possession and immediately taken 
into custody by the recovery team.