"You know what, I'm gonna go try leaving. Worst that happens, it 
doesn't work." Nobody bothers to respond as JJ stands up and 
walks out the door. They do look up as several muffled impact 
sounds emanate from the doorway, followed shortly thereafter by JJ 
walking back into the bar and rejoining the table. 


"So there's a sniper set up on the hardware store across the street, 
but his aim is fucking terrible." He lifts up his phone, which has a 
large hole going through it. "Of course, that might just be me, so uh, 
| wouldn't try anything." 


"Great." Jude sighs, looking back up. "And WHY, pray and tell, is 
there a goddamn sniper keeping us in here?" 


"It's probably just a coincidence, so, y'know, Amanda's fault." Andy 
gestures towards his sister with his thumb. "So we're stuck 
convincing her to let us go. Which means... leverage. | don't have 
any, how about you guys?" 


"Nonnno, but..." Armand turns to Jude. "Reeeememmmber the artt 
gallery?" 


Jude sits up very suddenly and glares at Armand. "I'm not. Doing 
that. Again. What the fuck are you thinking?" 


“lii'm thinking," Armand says as he holds up his hands in front of 
him, "Youuu do it inr revererse." Jude's expression softens. 


"Well yeah, but on who?" A look of realization dawns on Ju's face. 
He grins. "Yeah, | dig it. C'mon Jude, let's do this." He stands up and 


walks over to the bar. 


Andy watches as JJ leaves. To the other two, "Uh, mind filling me in 
on the details here?" 


Jude shares a look with Armand, then looks back to Andy. "It'll be 
way cooler if you see it in action, probably." He gives a sort of half- 
smile before he gets up and follows JJ. Andy is about to ask another 
question when Armand picks up a bottle and smashes it against the 
table. 


Amanda is shaken out of her reverie by a loud inhaling sound 
coming just inches from her face. She reflexively swings a fist at the 
offender, then sits up straight and turns to him. "What the hell is your 
damage? As if taking my drink wasn't bad enough." 


JJ prods his nose experimentally, eyes crossing to get a look at it as 
he sits next to Amanda. "Ow. Okay, you didn't break anything, at 
least. Anyways, | just wanted to say hi, see how you were doing." 


Amanda's attention is diverted by the barstool on her other side, 
which is now groaning under Jude's weight. But she returns to 
squint suspiciously at JJ. "I'm fine. Very fine, in fact. Whatever 
bullshit you're planning here, you should know it won't work." She 
glances past JJ towards Armand, who is carefully dropping shards 
of broken glass in a spiral pattern on the floor. "Especially half-assed 
pattern magic." 


JJ shrugs. "Yeah, don't worry. | was just thinking, you weigh what, a 
hundred pounds?" He cuts Amanda off with a wave of his hand. 
"Rhetorical question. You're tiny. But you've had five drinks just 
since | got here, and you don't seem drunk at all. That's one hell of a 
tolerance. Your breath gives you away, though. Seems like the kind 
of thing you wouldn't want your employer hearing about..." He trails 
off, giving Amanda a knowing look. 


Amanda scoffs at him, rolling her eyes. "God, you're pathetic. What, 
do you expect me to let you go just so the Foundation doesn't find 
out | drink?" She glances over at Jude — he's picking at some old 
stain on the bar with his fingernail — before taking out her phone. 


"I'll just call and explain the situation to them. Like they'd expect me 
to stay sober while | babysit you idiots." 


JJ catches the bartender's attention, ordering an appletini as 
Amanda taps in a phone number and waits for a response after it 
starts ringing. The response is not the standard identity-confirmation 
passphrase she expects, but something closer to a 
SCCRRRREEEEEEEAAAAAWWWWEUEUEUARRRGCHCHCHCH, 
as pronounced by something somewhere between a human, a 
cockatoo, and a computer-generated facsimile of a cockatoo. 


"What the —" Amanda jerks the phone away from her ear, then 
swivels around to Jude. "You — !" 


Jude is now insistently picking away at the space near Amanda's 
phone, and half-humming half-mumbling some late-'70s synth-pop 
song. His nail catches on the air, and he tears that away. There is a 
cord behind the air, and he pulls that too — this time, he puts his 
whole arm into it. There is a flash of light, the crackling of ozone, 
something shiny, and something buzzing. 


For a split second, a man is visible about six feet off the ground — 
he's in his mid-50's, but in surprisingly good condition for his age, 
and dressed in some forgettable business-casual getup. He's sitting 
on nothing, phone held up to his ear. The man is still visible after the 
split second, but he's now fallen onto the ground, groaning in pain 
and confusion. 


Jude and Amanda look at him, and then share a glance. 


"He's uh." Jude points at him. "Guess that's the guy you were 
calling." 


Amanda blinks, expressionless. "... why did you even do this." 


"Uh. Armand?" Jude looks over to Armand, who has started to make 
his way over. 


"Becc cause hem missssunderststood me." Armand pinches his 
nosebridge, and sighs. "Whhho is this?" 


JJ looks over, eyebrow raised in interest. "... wait, is that not what 


we were supposed to do? That's her contact with the janitors." As an 
aside to Amanda, "Kind of a catch, if you ask me. Bit young for my 
tastes." 


"What're you —" The man's query, and his attempt to lift himself up 
off the floor, is interrupted when Armand puts a boot on his shoulder 
and shoves him back down. He puts his hands on his hips. "Wellelln 
never mind now. Wen need a newplan."” 


Amanda shrugs. "Won't stop the task force from coming to pick you 
idiots up." 


"It might," says Andy, who has drawn a few looks by speaking up, "if 
we take him hostage." 


Jude is about to respond when Armand falls forward, his leg 
dragged out from under him and his knee shoved forward. The man 
stands up, looking over at Jude. "Hello, Kriyot." he grumbles. 
"Wonderful mess you've gotten both of us into." 


"You know my name and | don't know yours." Jude blurts. He knew 
several cooler ways of saying that, but seeing Armand dropped like 
that made him lose his train of thought. 


"Good, that's how it should be." The man turns his attention to 
Amanda. "So, who are these? Some sort of entourage for the 
target?" He gestures to Andy (hanging back awkwardly), Ju (still on 
his barstool), and Armand (still on the floor). 


"Freebies. That one's the guy who's been driving Jude everywhere, | 
think he knows some kind of magic. That one over there has 
extremely good luck. The third is my useless brother, he can make 
cars belong to him by touching them. Don't you collect these kind of 
people?" She points to each in turn. "And more importantly, doesn't 
this warrant a bonus?" 


Andy is about to voice objections of his own when the man cuts him 
off. "No, we're not in the habit of giving bonuses to contractors who 
get drunk on the job, go against their instructions to introduce 
unknown variables to a situation, and let targets get close enough to 
kidnap a Foundation employee!" He gestures to Armand. "You don't 


even know what he can —" The man pauses, then looks at Armand 
again. That is not Armand on the floor. It is a busted-up glass sign of 
a cartoon man flipping a pancake. 


Then a shard of glass whizzes by and slices the man's ear off. 


Andy, who was standing next to the broken glass spiral already, is 
the first to realize that it is hovering mid-air, and that Armand is 
standing behind it. Jude notices second, Amanda third, JJ fourth, 
and the Foundation man — who is desperately attempting to stem 
the bleeding — fifth. JJ blinks. "Shit, dude, when did you get over 
here?" 


Jude facepalms. "More importantly, why? What the hell does that 
accomplish?" 


Armand shrugs. "Pupppput thef fear ofgod into him? Tesssst out 
herab bilities?" 


"My abilities?" Amanda looks over from helping the man with his 
blood problem. "What about them?" 


"This is why," the man grumbles to Amanda, "we only wanted Kriyot. 
Because we know he won't try to kill anyone!" 


Jude shares a glance with Armand, then smiles. "You know, I'm not 
too sure about that." He gets out of his seat and starts to meander 
over to Armand and Andy. "| mean, | don't kill out of, like, in most 
cases | don't kill." He only mulls over his error for a second. "But like, 
it's different when you're trying to get free, right? Give me freedom, 
or kill me, right? The Boston Tea Party guy said that." 


Andy snickers a bit before he processes what Jude said. "Wait, uh, 
dude? You sure about this?" 


Armand nods solemnly. "It'sth the only way." 


The man looks to Amanda insistently. "Well? Don't just let him kill 
himself! Do something about it!" 


JJ laughs. "Bitch, please. She couldn't even stop Armand from 
fucking you up. She can't save anyone. Like, wh-" 


"Would you all please shut up? Speeches are fucking hard enough 
already..." Jude rubs his forehead. "ANYWAYS. | don't think any of 
us really want to be locked away for good, 'cause that's not a life. 
So, uh.” He thinks for a few seconds. "See you in hell." 


"Don't you fucking d-" Amanda is cut off by the crackle of electricity. 


JJ, whose phone is busted, gets to sit out and watch. Jude, Armand, 
and Andy get to feel their very beings ripped apart on the atomic 
level, devolve into a chaos of noise and particles, and shunt 
themselves into their phones single-file. It is painful. 


By the time Amanda finishes her sentence, all that remains of the 
three is ozone (a natural byproduct of electricity in the air) and shoes 
(which are too big to fit through the phone). 


gaycopmp4: blunt 

polaricecraps joined the channel. 

gaycopmp4: the cliffhanger doesnt work if we already 
knowyoure not dead 

CommunismAnarchismNihilism: lmao 

bluntfiend: Hm. | suppose you're right. 

bluntfiend: In my defense, I'm high as shit. 
gaycopmp4: g fucking | 

bluntfiend: <:3c 

bluntfiend: Did | ever tell you guys about the whole, uh, 
history behind the electricity thing? 

lesbian_gengar: Not exactly, and | don't think they need 
to know. 

polaricecraps: aw mother fuck did i miss papa smokes 
story time 

bluntfiend: Yeah, you're right. Point is, the last time the 
janitors saw me do it, it was permanent. 

orbhorse: “ Me after two jars of ghost pepper salsa. 
hetcopogg: ew. 

TrainerDP: Pakoosh. 


It always astounded Jude, the things that he could put his mind to 
when he was desperate — specifically, things from comic books. He 
could keep three people in the phone lines for maybe two minutes... 


would that be enough? Would the strings of fate loosen before they 
all sang the body electric? 


CommunismAnarchismNihilism: seriously dude? 
gaycopmp4: i literally JSUT called you out on this lmao 


Yes. Yes they would. 


Their bodies tore themselves back together. Bit by bit. Quarks. 
Bosons. Armand knew the science. The rest of them didn't. What 
they all knew was that it was cold. They groaned barefoot, buzzing 
out of the air. The crackling smell of air freshener. 


gaycopmp4: is this bit like a reference to something or 
what are you doing 

bluntfiend: | did a cool thing, | get to describe it 
dramatically. 

hetcopogg: sorry but you're really bad at it 

bluntfiend: Okay, fine. Imao 

bluntfiend: So we all wake up in a hotel room in Iceland. 
CommunismAnarchismNihilism: | worst hangover 
sequel ever 

bluntfiend: | mean, | *meant* to send us to Iceland, but | 
don't know how we ended up in a hotel. 

bluntfiend: Fancy one, too. 

bluntfiend: Confusion ensues, etc. 

bluntfiend: Whole lot of bullshit | was not high enough to 
process. 

bluntfiend: Andy actually had Euros in his account for 
some... reason. | have no idea what his deal is. So he 
cashed that out. Kinda mad about kars or something. 
bluntfiend: LG's gonna get us, like, IDs. As per our 
Original plan. 

bluntfiend: Andy went out and bought me some weed, 
I'm gonna have to pay him back. Apparently it wasn't 
hard to find, but it was like $200 for an eighth. 
bluntfiend: And that's about where we are now, | guess. 
I'll have to get a job, eventually. | don't know how to 
make euros out of thin air. 

bluntfiend: So... yeah. 

lesbian_gengar: what about jj? 


bluntfiend: Oh, right. He actually called the hotel room's 
phone like, a half hour ago. 

bluntfiend: After | did my thing, the janitor guy just told 
Amanda to fuck off. Since we were all apparently dead, | 
guess? Guess that's why my trick worked. 

hetcopogg: more like amandumb 

bluntfiend: She, uh. The guy with the gun hadn't gone 
away yet. 

gaycopmp4: so she died and you thought the weed 
price was more important 

bluntfiend: She got hit in the ankle, relax. JJ ditched 
after that. 

PCSatisfatorio: whats the view like over there i heard 
theres no sun in iceland 

bluntfiend: Not sure. 

polaricecraps: all three of these things are fucked up 
bluntfiend: I'm kind of stuck in the bathroom right now, 
for various reasons. 

orbhorse: Isn't there some salsa from Iceland that 
literally put people in the hospital? 

gaycopmp4: icelandic salsa is folded up to a million 
times to produce the finest laxative known to mankind 
PCSatisfatorio: like for a half of the year its just dark 
hetcopogg: y'all are gross. 

hetcopogg: gaycopmp4, break up with me over this. 
harmpit joined the channel. 

polaricecraps: seriously though can someone like give 
me some logs or something 

gaycopmp4: no 

bones: polaricecraps: Sent. 

polaricecraps: thx 

bluntfiend: ... harm, what the fuck are you doing here? 
PCSatisfactorio: ?? 

bones: Is there some issue | should be aware of? 
bluntfiend: No, well, kind of? 

harmpit: :34 

bluntfiend: | can literally hear him sucking Andy's dick in 
the next room. 

CommunismAnarchismNihilism: power move 
harmpit: your'e just jaelous 


polaricecraps: this just in papa smoke is the world's 
worst storyteller 

bluntfiend: First of all, not even a little. Second, WHY 
are you on chat right now? 

harmpit: it's liek taht somettimes 
CommunismAnarchismNihilism: i actually exclusively 
talk in here while sucking dick 

orbhorse: See, now I'm wishing when | thought 
"someone is going to get a blowjob out of this whole 
deal", | would have said so, so | could say | called it. But 
| guess you'll just have to believe me. 

gaycopmp4: cool story 

bluntfiend: Does he know that you've, like, never 
brushed your teeth? 

tiedyeduck: guys holy fuck 

tiedyeduck: someone drew a gijinka of my dog 
PCSatisfactorio: what 

polaricecraps: wut 

gaycopmp4: what 

lesbian_gengar: okay i just got back and: what? 
bluntfiend: If someone wanted to suck mwait hold the 
fuck up 

bones: tiedyeduck: Unless you can show us the gijinka, 
we'll have to assume this is a ruse. 
CommunismAnarchismNihilism: what in the goddamn 
tiedyeduck: is there still a channel ban on anime tiddy 
bones: Yes. 

tiedyeduck: then i can't 

bones: | see. 

harmpit: in theb utt 

gaycopmp4: osaugpojgasdknsaldgakfd;la 

hetcopogg: @lesbian_gengar dog tity alert just thought 
you should know 

lesbian_gengar: gaycopmp4 please break up with your 
gf. 

PCSatisfactorio: whats a gijinka 

lesbian_gengar: she needs to be taught a lesson in not 
making fun of me for two years about this 

bluntfiend: Hey tiedyeduck, what's your dog's name 
again? 


SCP-971: Exotic Fast Food Delivery 


Item #: SCP-971 
Object Class: Safe