The next person to comment "Science for the Science goa" is 
getting demoted. - Dr. Aeish 


Date: / / 

Head Researcher: Dr. Aeish 

Test Item(s): D-1075, Materials for replication and growth of DNA 
and tissue 

SCP-2383-J Color: Green 

Test Results: D-1075 creates a small animal which produces 
ethanol from air. Creature is stored as SCP-2383-2, pending further 
testing. 


Date: / / 

Head Researcher: Dr. Aeish 

Test Item(s): D-1075, Materials for replication and growth of DNA 
and tissue 

SCP-2383-J Color: Green 

Test Results: D-1075 successfully creates a small fleshy growth. 
On orders of further inspection issued by Dr. Aeish, D-1075 prods 
the growth. This reveals it to be full of teeth, and the experiment 
product is now stored as SCP-2383-3, pending weaponization 
research. 


Date: / / 

Head Researcher: Dr. Kensington 

Test Item(s): One (1) 20 ounce bottle of carbonated soda; One (1) 
pack of fruit-flavored Mentos. 

SCP-2383-J Colour: Red 

Test Results: [REDACTED]. Several labs were damaged and 
numerous other experiments were contaminated with the product. 


Note to self: Decrease amount of soda and Mentos to more 
controllable levels. That said, | wonder how far it will fly in a bottle- 
rocket... -Dr. Kensington 


Date: / / 
Head Researcher: Dr. Kensington 


Test Item(s): One (1) bottle containing sixteen (16) ounces of 
carbonated soda; One-half (1/2) pack of fruit-flavored Mentos; One 
(1) metal-sided miniature rocket. 

SCP-2383-J Colour: Red 

Test Results: [REDACTED]. Details placed in log below. 


Audio/Video log 


"Alright, let's get this done." *Sounds of liquid being 
poured into the rocket.* 

"The soda is in. Adding the Mentos to a napkin to hold 
until proper release time." *Several clicks can be heard* 
"Adding 2383 to a gel capsule and adding to rocket." 
*Plink Plink* 

"Alright. Let's set this up and get it ready to launch." 
"5...4...3...2-" *A sudden explosion interrupts the 
countdown.* 

!"*Shouts as the rocket flies up.* 

"GET OUT OF THE-" *Crash* "...way." “Screams can be 
heard as the rocket flies around the testing hangar.* 
ohgodit'scomingthiswayrunrunrunrunRUNRUNRUNRUN"" 
*Crash* "Oh god it hit the wall...It's going to burst!" 
*Boom* 

"It's shooting flaming mentos! Oh god damn...the soda's 
on fire. How the hell did it ignite the damn soda?" 

"...that could have been worse..." 


It would appear the liquid from SCP-2383-d is not as inert as we 
thought. Further testing involving the addition of the liquid approved. 
- Dr. Aeish 


Date: / / 

Head Researcher: Dr. Aeish 

Test Item(s): D-0452, two tables with various plastic building items. 
SCP-2383-J Color: Purple 

Test Results: Subject placed equidistant between both tables. 
Upon exposure, subject quickly rushes to the table on his left, 
collects multiple parts, apparently at random, then proceeds to 
experiment using the right-hand table. Resulting item is completely 
plastic, yet acts in a similar way to a stun-gun or Tazer, with a small 


reserve of SCP-2383-J utilised as a power source. Subject sedated 
and item stored as SCP-2383-4. 


Date: / / 

Head Researcher: Dr. M 

Test Item(s): Dr. Aeish, table with a randomised selection of 
mechanical items 

SCP-2383-J Color: Purple (liquid turned blue approximately 9 
minutes into the test) 

Test Results: Upon exposure, subject proceeded to build an item 
which was initially (wrongly) identified as a shotgun. Sedation 
completed immediately after addition of SCP-2383-J liquid, and item 
retrieved. Further inspection shows the item to be a folding 
crossbow, with automatic winding mechanism. No traces of 
SCP-2383-J detected, item catalogued as SCP-2383-5, and is 
currently stored in the research area of Dr. Aeish. 

SCP-2383-5 produces its own supply of ammunition from a small 
box located under the main body, SCP-2383-J liquid currently 
theorised to be held inside. 


I've attached the testing log. This thing is weird as hell. - Dr. Aeish 


Testing of SCP-2383-5 

SCP-2383-5 tested at on-site firing range, against a ballistics gel 
dummy. Weapons technician Sgt. Deans overseeing. Any bolt 
number not recorded was a standard metal bolt. 

Bolt number - effect. 


007 - Bolt moves through ballistics gel. No damage to 
gel, bolt found several inches into sandbags at rear of 
range. 

015 - Dummy teleports to 1543-J, 1534-J activates and 
launches the dummy into the Sun. 

018 - Bolt turns into water mid-flight. Dummy reported as 
being "Slightly damp" by Sgt. Deans. 

027 - Bolt appears to be made of sponge, with a jam tip. 
Reported as "tasty", jam identified as strawberry. 

028 - Dummy covered in custard. 

039 - Bolt pots the black pool ball in the staff break room. 
Agents using the table at the time expressed surprise, no 
injuries caused to either. 


048 - Two bolts fired, however flight was stable despite 
proximity. 

052 - Subject begins to glow brightly, and stands in place 
for about five seconds. Crossbow temporarily 
metamorphizes into a golden bow and arrow. Subject 
draws, cocks, and fires hundreds of arrows in quick 
succession despite neither carrying ammunition nor 
having any formal training in archery. After about 10 
more seconds, subject draws a large golden arrow, and 
fires it at the target's "feet", whereupon it is engulfed in a 
pillar of light lasting 2 more seconds. At this point, all 
subjects ina meter radius experience visual 
hallucinations consisting of the numbers "9999" 
appearing at the target's location. Target then 
disintegrates into fine dust, and weapon returns to 
original form. Recovery team later finds $. in coins in 
place of the target. 

054 - Bolt fails to fire. Instead, a hatch opens up, anda 
spring-loaded flag labeled "Bang!" unfurls. 

058 - Dummy is immediately teleported into the chamber 
of SCP-682. 

068 - Dummy is turned into well-aged cheddar cheese. 
079 - Bolt teleports to the opposite wall, flies backward's 
through the dummy's abdomen, and re-loads itself into 
the crossbow's firing mechanism. 

087 - Bolt becomes a smoke grenade, filling the room 
with an opaque, nonpoisonous gas. Moments later, 
Mobile Task Force Zeta-9 (Richard-Gyration) forcefully 
enters the firing range and open fires on the dummy. 
Agent claims his team received orders form O5- to 
terminate the training dummy with excessive force, 
though these orders were later found to be forged though 
unknown means. 

Further results to be added when collated. - Dr. Aeish 
092 - Bolt impales a small kitten. CCTV does not record 
a kitten entering the firing range at any point. 


Testing halted by Dr. Rights. 


Date: / / 


Head Researcher: Dr. Edison 

Test Item(s): D-4321 (formerly a professor at University, 
expelled for illegal [DATA EXPUNGED)), x8 spherical bottles 
described by the subject as "science-y", filled with water mixed with 
various hues of food coloring. 

SCP-2383-J Color: Red 

Test Results: Subject begins to cackle madly. Bottles begin to fizz 
and bubble (despite being filled with water) as subject pours them 
into SCP-2383-J. Liquid in SCP-2383-J turns red. Procedure 2383- 
Rho enabled. Video footage reports the subject shouting "They said 
| was mad! Well I'll show them, I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!" before 
ingesting the liquid. Subject then explodes in a blue fireball, 
disintegrating D-4321 and destroying the entire building. Thankfully, 
all researchers survived and are accounted for as a result of 
Procedure 2383-Rho, and no SCPs breached containment. Upon 
further examination, Subject D-4321's shoes were found completely 
intact inside the resulting crater. New off-site testing facility 
requested. 


SCP-HR009-J: Eye-Grabbing Clickbait Title 


HUMAN RESOURCES DIVISION 
NOTICE 


This anomaly affects internal Foundation processes. 
Attendance at no fewer than three (3) training 
seminars regarding this anomaly is mandatory. 


Item #: SCP-HROO9-J 
Object Class: Keter 


Special Containment Procedures: Actions determined to be 
influenced by SCP-HRO09-J are to be reported to the Human 
Resources Division immediately. Persons affected by SCP-HRO09-J 
shall be remanded for reeducation Positive Action Plan Workshops, 
and possibly subject to demotion compensation and benefits fun- 
sizing as cases merit. 


All documents affected by SCP-HROO9-J are to be handled in 
accordance with the Deletions Guide. 


Description: SCP-HROO9-J is a phenomenon affecting official 
documentation within the Foundation. Reports, files, memoranda 
and other documents affected by SCP-HR009-J display 
characteristics inconsistent with established scientific and 
professional practices, especially those developed internally by the 
Foundation. SCP-HROO9-J has been known to affect database files 
for anomalies, personnel records, electronic file directories, incident 
reports, and e-mails (especially those originating from Dr. 
"Incapable of its/it's Distinction" 's desk). 


Documentation practices such as those caused by SCP-HROO9-J 
are theoretically within established baseline human behavior. 
However, given the extensive selection process for Foundation 
personnel and the rigorous qualifications standards enforced by the 
Human Resources Division, behavior such as that caused by SCP- 
HROO9-J can have no other cause than deficiencies in the rationally 
observable laws of spacetime. 


Addendum HR009-J.1 - Corruption of Directory Filenames 


SCP-HRO09-J.1 has exhibited a tendency to induce staff to produce 
anomalously inappropriate names for files cataloguing contained 
anomalous phenomena. These have included the following 
instances: 


SCP- -GARBAGEBAGFULLOFSEAMONKEYS 


SCP-_ - Researcher Floyd is a Jerk Who is Wrong About 
Everything and is also a Jerk! 


SCP-_ - The Original [appears courtesy of a very confused 
sculptor][please don't use this picture ever][please don't sue the hell 
out of us] 


SCP-_ - Different Typeface Will Get Me Noticed 

SCP-_ - The Real, Official and Definitive 001 Which is Now Canon2 
SCP-_ - Fifteen Insufferable Puns 

LOLOL-LOLOL - LOL IT DOESNT HAVE A SCP TITLE 

SCP-_ - This Dying World 

SCP-  -Amonster or something \_(‘Y)_/ 

SCP-_ - Guys | Figured Out How This Formatting Thingy Works 


SCP-  - So Look, | Don't Really Know How to Succinctly 
Summarize the Key Attributes of This Thing, Because it's Kind of, | 
Dunno, Time-Affecting, | Guess? Also it's Probably Memetic or 
Something, Maybe Some Other Researcher Can Handle This One, 


I'm Pretty Busy With That Creepy Humanoid That Looks Like 
Everyone's Grandma and Tries to Bake Cookies With Their Hair and 
Nail Clippings. Why Does That Even Exist? An Infinite Cosmos and 
the Universe Decides to Cough Up a Disgusting Old Shapeshifting 
Mummy. Did You Know They Made a Bunch of D-Class Eat the 
Cookies? Nuts to This, I'm Getting a Drink 


SCP-_ - my shift key is broken please help 


SCP- - The Time That a Statue of Garfield Lit Everyone in the 
Room on Fire While Saying 'Do You Hate Mondays Now' 
Repeatedly3 


SCP- - Ow, My Ovaries 
SCP- - [ACCESS DENIED}4 
Addendum HR009-J.2 - Breach of Personnel Records Database 


Per established procedure, the Foundation maintains 
comprehensive records of staff. These records chronicle employee 
assignments, completed projects, current research, and 
performance notes. However, in violation of any semblance of 
consensus reality, SCP-HRO09-J has affected a number of these 
files, resulting in the following records that would be professionally 
unacceptable, were they compiled by a functioning human: 


Site Director Randolph Jesperson - Personnel file replaced with 
semi-readable document composed primarily of seventeen viewing 
tabs, each of which leading to a further seventeen viewing tabs. This 
led to a performance review being unable to determine which 
location Site Director Jesperson was actually in charge of. 


Technician John Williamson - The only accessible records for 
Technician Williamson consisted of a narrative about a fictionalized, 
competent version of the employee, serving in a lead role ona 
Mobile Task Force that was somehow issued firearms in order to 
research text-based anomalies in the field. Comments have been 
disabled on Technician Williamson's personnel file until further 
notice. 


Researcher Saito Akane - Personnel file replaced with a line of text 
reading, "i'll get around to putting something here," followed by a 
timer counting down to November 6, 2347. 


Technician Jorgen Eriksen - Possibly the most complex example of 
SCP-HR009-u, this personnel file was replaced with an open 
comment thread, in which dozens of personnel affected by the 
anomaly proceeded to post incomprehensible, low-information 
content. This incident was similar to SCP- ,a phenomenon 
affecting multiple Sites that was ultimately decommissioned by a 
13-0 Overseer Council vote after being deemed to have no 
worthwhile research utility. 


Senior Researcher Ana Montoya - Mission-critical details on each 
project to which Senior Researcher Montoya has been assigned 
replaced with extended commentary regarding personal feelings and 
unrelated observations regarding writing process, in most cases 
exceeding the amount of documentation extant for each SCP object. 


Armed Site-04 Security Chief Xu Qiliang - Personnel file consisted of 
nothing but bullet points listing Security Chief Xu's assignments, with 
no additional information or performance notes of any kind. Review 
of this instance of SCP-HRO09-J is ongoing, as personnel 
continually fall asleep during attempts to research it. 


Addendum HR009-J.3 - Anomalously Inappropriate Addenda 


Several database entries for anomalous phenomena and objects 
have been corrupted, and now feature inexplicable narratives 
composed in the form of letters and notes, purporting to explain the 
origins of the SCP object in question. The appearance of these 
notes in official documentation do not conform to the physical laws 
of the observable universe, as any researcher lazy enough to simply 
include these narratives in the belief that they have explanatory 
value would have been reassigned to a long-term amnestic-aided 
civilian infiltration assignment long ago. 


A listing of known instances follows: 


Addendum 106.2 - Document Pinned to SCP-106's Forehead - "My 
dearest Claire, | know how in your heart, you have always desired a 


bones to bulge through his skin. His teeth, it should be noted, are 
collected from different individuals, some of them not even human 
by all appearances. It is not uncommon for him to cough or to vomit 
blood, and as such requires infusions of fresh blood approximately 
once per week. He currently boasts two hearts and multiples of 
several other organs and organ systems. How 542 keeps track of 
his own structure while performing surgery is unknown, but he likens 
it to ‘having a very good memory.’ 


DNA testing on all tissues is inconclusive, and reveals fragmented 
DNA. It is unknown how he is able to accept different blood types 
and multiple organs without suffering from organ rejection or allergic 
reactions, nor how he is able to function while performing invasive 
surgery on himself, even while inserting extra brain matter into his 
skull. SCP-542 is to be kept alive for observation and testing on the 
process that keeps him alive. 


SCP-542 behaves in a surprisingly pleasant manner most of the 
time, enjoying lengthy conversations about science and biology, 
politics, and long games of chess. However, when an organ begins 
to fail or part of his body becomes necrotic, he undergoes a drastic 
personality change, stalking and observing people from a distance. 
Additional information on his habits and attacks may be found in the 
addendum.