Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“I'm still furious with you," she murmured, kissing a line down his chest."Oh, God, please don't be furious," he choked out quickly. "Every female I know is furious with me. Rosalyn throws tantrums, and Charlotte hasn't spoken to me or written since you left." He moved his hands to unbutton her gown. "The morning I thought you'd sailed out of my life I started drinking and didn't stop until I'd finished two bottles. For three days I had a blistering headache, and Nedda couldn't for the life of her stop banging things." He groaned. "And I can't even begin to tell you about your sisters.”
— Adele Ashworth,
“Caroline's lips thinned, her face flushed. "My husband, sir, has more secrets in his tiny, insignificant mind than the entire British War Department has had on file since its inception." She huffed with pure, disgusted outrage, lowering her gaze to the floor to murmur, "I'll kill him.”
— Adele Ashworth,
“I wanted to play with death, like a child with a new toy, I wanted to push all the buttons and see what would happen.”
— Holly Hood,
“Sometimes, when it’s going badly, she wonders if what she believes to be a love of the written word is really just a fetish for stationery. The true writer, the born writer, will scribble words on scraps of litter, the back of a bus tickets, on the wall of a cell. Emma is lost on anything less than 120gsm.”
— David Nicholls,
“I feel like I’m going to die,’ he says.‘Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?’‘Only if you do it quietly.’‘I met this girl last night. I need your advice.’‘Come back later.’‘No. You might be dead.”
— Doug MacLeod,
“Katie purred in pleasure as she licked the beating vein in Jared’s neck.”
— Jodie B. Cooper,
“Is he about to kiss me? Did he eat garlic too or was I the only one? 'Cause if Ric didn't eat garlic then my breath's gonna stink and he'll think... Oh for fuck sake, shut up internal dialogue!”
— Zathyn Priest,
“I wish the Fallen would just come to us for a change.”Ironically, Fallen Angels dropped from the sky and surrounded us.“I wish I had a chocolate cake!” I exclaimed, staring up.No cake appeared, though I did get a few wry glances. Andrew’s body shook with silent laughter while Lucia gaveme raised eyebrows.“What? It worked for the Fallen Angels.”
— Laura Kreitzer,
“And you are going to close the gates, because I told you to close the gates.”
— Hilari Bell,
“If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.”
— George Brett
“As it happens, I’m a terrible dancer. Bears are simply not made for dancing. We’re much better at sitting and sleeping and singing. But there are humans who catch bears and force us to dance. It’s agony. And there are other humans who pay to watch us.’Hannah sighed. ‘I suppose you’re right to distrust humans.’‘And that is why I must eat you,’ said the bear forlornly. ‘For the benefit of the entire bear population of the world. I’m awfully sorry about this.’‘That’s all right.’ Hannah shrugged her shoulders. ‘Is there any point in my trying to run away?’‘None. We bears may not be able to dance but we are experts when it comes to chasing things.’‘What if I climb a tree?’‘I’ll climb up after you, or push the tree over. It all depends on what sort of tree you choose to climb. Either way, you’ll end up eaten.’‘So be it,’ said Hannah. ‘How should I prepare myself?’‘I beg your pardon?’‘Will you eat me with my clothes on?’‘Of course. Otherwise it would be bad manners.”
— Doug MacLeod,
“Don’t be hating on my peacock. It’s just not right. - Kye”
— Krista Alasti,
“Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though.”
— Robert DeCoteau,
“No one here is allowed to die without my permission.”
— Doug MacLeod
“101 Reasons Why its great to be a woman : We have three times the amount of potential sick leave. Take into account all those days you are unable to work owing to pre, during and post menstrual tension.”
— Summersdale Publishers
“Dear Literary World, Sorry for breaking down your door...I'll pay for that!!! Since I'm here and planning to stay a while, let me tell you some stories!!”
— CK Webb
“If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh?”
— Jodi Picoult,
“I rolled my eyes, trying to keep my eyes off his body, just the sight of his abs or arms was enough to make me want to get naked and let Carlo take over anything he wanted.”
— Holly Hood,
“We tend to get a little information before we off people. It’s not a play by ear sort of deal.”
— Holly Hood,
“You don’t understand,’ I said. ‘I need to be with her. With every fibre of my being I ache for her. I’m in love.’‘I do understand,’ said Zoran. ‘It was same for me with Mrs Zoran when I first meet her. But the feeling goes away after few hours.”
— Doug MacLeod,
“I’m sure all of that’s true. Especially the anal bit--Marshall’s always been an ass--but I don’t see how this is relevant, unless of course I’m mistaken, and you really are comparing me to a crumb that needs sweeping. - Shella”
— Krista Alasti,
“Sorry for your loss' Gordan said.His extended hand was immediately rejected with an if-looks-could-kill stare from Shelly's father, who was, as of yet, oblivious to the fact that we had stolen the last of his daughter.'Right. Well,fuck you too.”
— Ty Roth,
“I’m not scared any more,’ said Midge. ‘Thank you, Kevin. Sometimes you can be very kind.’‘Yes,’ said Kevin. ‘And if you tell that to any of the other trolls I will pull off your nose and feed it to a bear.”
— Doug MacLeod
“You sound like you're mentally deficient. And possibly Chinese.”
— Heidi Hall,
“There ain't no "baby mama drama" up in this Vortex, homie!”
— Esther Hicks
“Dear Mom,I won't be home this weekend because I'm wanted for treason and I have to clear my name. Also, I took the last Sprite from the fridge.Love, Steve”
— Mac Barnett,
“Talk about getting off tangent. My mother's friend may have just killed his wife and my parents are sitting there talking about cows.”
— Wendy Lichtman,
“Get off me you dirty turnip!" "Dirty turnip? well, pardon me Signor Cabbage-Head!”
— Elle Newmark,
“When you're writing what you love, it's the most fun you can have with your clothing still on, unless of course, you write naked.”
— Don Roff
“Captain Jibby looked at the door, clenched his teeth, and worked his face into a scowl so fierce you would think the door had insulted his mother - which, for the record, it had not.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“When people visit my farm they often envision their dog, finally off-leash in acres of safely fenced countryside, running like Lassie in a television show, leaping over fallen tree trunks, shiny-eyed with joy at the change to run free in the country. While they're imagining that heartwarming scene, their dog is most likely gobbling up sheep poop as fast as he can. Dog aren't people, and if they have their own image of heaven, it most likely involves poop.”
— Patricia B. McConnell,
“Gone are the days when the old country doctor would drive out to your house and amputate your infected leg for a basket of goose eggs and a rhubarb pie.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“I'm one-half Cherokee, one-half Irish, one-half Turkish, one-half Australian and one-half Korean." "Excuse me, but that's five halves," said Maggie.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“Kit," said a female voice, "what's wrong with the fridge? All the food's gone. No, wait, there's a really ugly alien in here disguised as a leaky lettuce. Hey, I guess I shouldn't be rude to it; it's a visitor. Welcome to our planet, Mr. Alien!"This was followed by some muffled remark that Nita couldn't make out, possibly something Kit was saying. A moment later, Kit's sister Carmela's voice came out of Nita's refrigerator again. "Hola, Nita, are your phone bills getting too big? This is a weird way to deal with it...”
— Diane Duane,
“Since when are you so 'faithful'? just a couple of years ago you would show up in your tight jeans and borrow our car to pick up one of your five girlfriends. You think that beard makes you a man of God?”
— Dalia Sofer,
“His handsome face is suffused with rage. He stands before me shaking, then to my disgust, bursts into noisy tears; "I shall tell my mother of you!" he sobs and crashes out of the chamber”
— Alison Weir,
“Rumo!" said Rumo. "That's right!" Smyke exclaimed. "You Rumo, me Smyke." "You Rumo, me Smyke." Rumo repeated eagerly. "No, no." Smyke chuckled.”
— Walter Moers,
“It's like when you're on hold and a recorded voice comes on telling you how much the company values you as a customer. Really? Then maybe you should hire some more support people so I don't have to wait thirty minutes to get help.”
— Jason Fried,
“Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!”
— Christopher Moore,
“A robber? In the trash bins? Honestly, Wes. This is Salem Falls, not the set of Law and Order.”
— Jodi Picoult,
“A clue! From M!""Who's M?""Maybe M is for Mackintosh! Maybe Grabes ans Mackintosh are in cahoots!""Or maybe M is for Mom. Also, who says 'cahoots'?”
— Mac Barnett
“All the electronic devices are powered by white smoke. When smoke goes out, device is dead.”
— Milan Nikolic
“You'd be surprised." Charlie said."You go to bed one night singing her a lullaby, and she wakes up listening to Limp Bizkit.""What the hell is Limp Bizkit?”
— Jodi Picoult,
“I seem to be allergic to whatever that terrible smell is," said Gateman when the urge to sneeze had finally subsided."What terrible smell?""The air," said Gateman. "It smells...different.""That's called oxygen," said Professor Boxley. "Freh air. No cars, no buses, no factories; just pure, clean oxygen.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“This was so unfunny, Steve had to laugh.”
— Mac Barnett,
“Prayers For Rain' begins like practically every Cure song, with an introduction that's longer than most Bo Diddley singles. Never mind the omnipresent chill, why does Robert Smith write such interminable intros? I can put on 'Prayers For Rain,' then cook an omelette in the time it takes him to start singing. He seems to have a rule that the creepier the song, the longer the wait before it actually starts. I'm not sure if Smith spends the intro time applying eye-liner or manually reducing his serotonin level, but one must endure a lot of doom-filled guitar patterns, cathedral-reverb drums and modal string synth wanderings during the opening of 'Prayers for Rain.”
— Tom Reynolds,
“Oh. My. God.’ she said, pointing out of the window. ‘Do you know what that is?’I nodded and said, ‘I think I may have seen it before.’‘That,’ said Florida, ‘is the Moonyouidiot.”
— Frank Cottrell Boyce
“...a row of tables manned by seated, serious women. Each woman looked like she could be someone's least-favourite aunt.”
— Adam Rex,
“I launched into my speech, it took me a few seconds to realize that the only one listening was max (the dog) but at least he had the good manners to stop chewing the toilet brush and pay attention.”
— Sammi Carter,
“My Date was waiting for me at the kitchen door, ears perked, tail wagging and bits of wicker clinging to his nose and mouth" --Abby Shaw, Sucker Punched”
— Sammi Carter
“He's the meanest one. We call him..Byrd the Turd”
— Marthe Jocelyn,
“Yes you are right," said Pavel. "We will succeed simply because we are the best in all of world. We will get LVR by using incredible intelligence." Leon showed he was in full agreement by screaming and hitting himself repeatedly on the head.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“Eating be eating, b'ain't it, Birdie?''Nay, Uncle Bear: In Caermelor, at the Royal Court, they be so-oh, so much more advanced than anywhere else. 'Tis not done to wipe your fingers on your hair or the tablecloth, or belch, or speak with your mouth full of food, or scratch, or pick your teeth at table. Ye have to use little forks to pick up the food. Ye not allowed to pour wine for your betters or for yourself, but to wait for them to deign to pour it for ye, if they be feeling generous. And the carving of the meats must be done a certain way, and as for the toasts-it would take ye a whole day just to learn the complications.'Takes the fun out of eating,' observed Sianadh.”
— Cecilia Dart-Thornton,
“He had a real mother, and a stepfather named Bart who Martin called Fart but only with his brothers and James”
— Marthe Jocelyn,
“Pay closer attention to it's ears, the reason it's named the Rabbit. Is it just me, or do those ears also look like someone making a rude V-Sign hand gesture? Oh, I get it now. Yes, very funny! Those bunny ears are meant to stimulate the clitoris, right? And of course, statistics and studies in bullshit magazines claim that 1 in every 2 men can't find the clitoris, right? Meaning what I think it means and that the sexist female who obviously designed this device is basically sticking two fingers up at crappy men, because her world famous toy can find the users clitoris quicker”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“Glass half full, or glass half empty, what am I? The answer? I'm not the bloody glass, I'm the fucking tap! Meaning, whatever my glass decides to be on a certain day, empty or full, I control how I feel and the flow of the milkshake inside it”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“FIGHT FOR EQUALITY, NOT TO SEEK REVENGE, PLEASE!”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“Suits obviously had helped to promote bad government and he was as guilty as anyone for wearing them so steadfastly for twenty years. Of late he had become frightened of the government for the first time in his life, the way the structure of democracy had begun debasing people rather than enlivening them in their mutual concern. The structure was no longer concerned with the purpose for which it was designed, and a small part of the cause, Nordstrom thought, was probably that all politicians and bureaucrats wore suits.”
— Jim Harrison,
“I was of course discussing the book of Leviticus. I don't know why your mind is so filthy these days, Bingley.”
— Marsha Altman,
“I shook my head. "Not Interested" I said.he straightened up. "Not interested in what?"In you." I couldn't be more blunt.Excuse me, miss, but I was going to ask if you would like to sign up for karaoke.”
— Karen E. Olson,
“Afore me! It is so very late,That we may call it early by and by.”
— William Shakespeare,
“I took a bite of lobster meat with rice. It was quite tasty. 'Arguing the morality of slaughter will send you into a tailspin of self-loathing every time.' 'Unless you're a vegan.' 'Uh-huh. But then you're a vegan and you don't count.”
— Julie Powell,
“Okay," Percy said. " Well, just don't get knocked unconscious.""Shut up, Jackson.”
— Rick Riordan,
“she shall scant show well that now shows best.”
— William Shakespeare,
“There never was a man with such a face as yours, unless it was your father, and I suppose he is singeing his grizzled red beard by this time, unless you came straight from the old un without any father at all betwixt you; which I shouldn't wonder at, a bit.”
— Charles Dickens,
“He was warm, partly because he had on many layers, and partly because boys whoa re part wolf and part wind do not get cold.”
— Dave Eggers,
“The Brit's face shares a heritage with a junkyard butt-sniffing mutt. It's a hard-earned moonshine mug, dotted with a hairy mole that looks like a rat's been gnawing on it. His beard looks like a white sneeze. The teeth are jagged and out of alignment, having opened quarts at Jiffy Quick Lube for half a decade.”
— Brett Tate
“One thing I will say, they often take it better than a man. Pain, that is. Probably the residue of tolerance from when they were all bloody witches and got stoned or burned or drowned for it, eh lad? Never tell your mother I said that, by the way.”
— Sarah Hall,
“He'd once explained that when he was a boy his very proper parents had forbidden him and his brothers to curse in the house so 'feather buckets' was the young boys coded way of saying 'f*ck it”
— Kate Carlisle,
“Who is this repulsive dwarf?”
— Kim Hunter,
“Death is the ultimate vacation: you’re with the stars, you don’t have to pay rent, everyone loves you, and nothing hurts. So, it’s very important you save death for later.”
— Karl Kristian Flores,
“,,,I decided to play the hero. See how it felt. To try.''And?' she asks.'I didn't like it,' he admits. 'Henceforth, I think we should consider our roles as monarchs to be largely decorative. It would be better for the low Courts and the solitary Folk to work things out on their own.''I think you have iron poisoning,' she tells him, which could possibly be true but is still a hurtful thing to say when he is making perfect sense.”
— Holly Black,
“Is it just me, or do you also think this is unnatural behavior in a female parent? Isn't there a federal law that says mothers are not allowed to laugh at vulnerable male children when they are required to wear stupid clothing to work?There should be.”
— A.E. Cannon,
“He shook his head, but I kept flattering him, telling him how fine his beard was, how fair his skin was (ha!), how it was obvious from his nose and forehead that he wasn't some pig herd who had converted, but a true-blue Muslim who had flown here on a magic carpet all the way from Mecca, and he grunted with satisfaction”
— Aravind Adiga,
“Poncho was in a red mood slanging with rage and needed to cook himself out of it , while shoving handfuls of salted peanuts down his gullet and slurping ice cold Fanta”
— Saira Viola
“We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon.”
— Daniel Quinn,
“Hello, Martin.”
— William Sleator
“I kicked, shouted an obscene word, got another faceful of goo for my troubles, and did the only thing left available to me. I started to laugh. This was a stupid way to die, all right. But also a god damned funny one.”
— Adam-Troy Castro,
“So how's the putrid pile of caca doing?”
— Kate Carlisle,
“Its Batteries! I just know it!”
— Alison
“Basil, is that you?""No, mother, it's a burglar.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald,
“Darling daughter' -- Lord Cai pinched the bridge of his nose -- 'get in the car please.''Father', Juliette shot back, 'I crave violence.”
— Chloe Gong,
“HIGGINS [*snatching a chocolate cream from the piano, his eyes suddenly beginning to twinkle with mischief*] Have some chocolates, Eliza.LIZA [*halting, tempted*] How do I know what might be in them? I've heard of girls being drugged by the like of you.*Higgins whips out his penknife; cuts a chocolate in two; puts one half into his mouth and bolts it; and offers her the other half.*HIGGINS. Pledge of good faith, Eliza. I eat one half: you eat the other. [*Liza opens her mouth to retort: he pops the half chocolate into it*]. You shall have boxes of them, barrels of them, every day. You shall live on them. Eh?LIZA [*who has disposed of the chocolate after being nearly choked by it*] I wouldn't have ate it, only I'm too ladylike to take it out of my mouth.(Act 2, Scene 1).”
— George Bernard Shaw,
“It's the fuckin' subway, not the fuckin' Notebook.”
— Casey McQuiston,
“Remember, anyone can have car sex, yet it takes a truly active sexual imagine to make that car have sex with you too. The American's call it first base, second base, third base, don't they? I call it, first gear, second gear and reverse.”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“If you don't love the job you do, then it's a job in itself to get up in the morning and go to work”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“She shows up everywhere, at any time, like she can guesswhat we’re going to do before we do it.”“The lady is good at what she does,” Liam confirmed.“Can you please not compliment the person trying to drag our asses back to camp?”
— Alexandra Bracken,
“Many obese people spend a significant amount of their energy on suppressing the urge to tell some of the people who are staring at them that they do not eat as much and as frequently as they seem to.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Nothing offended me except for cauliflower and stupidity.”
— Abby Jimenez,
“We should change the name of AR-15s to 'Marco Rubio' because they are so easy to buy”
— sarah chadwick
“A good approach is to allow one dream per novel. Then, in the final revision, go back and get rid of that, too.”
— Howard Mittelmark,
“I love that there's such a rivalry. It's like, leaf water versus bean water, ya know?”
— Robyn Schneider,
“[...] and I switched to English literature, where so many frustrated poets end as pipe-smoking teachers in tweeds.”
— Vladimir Nabokov,
“If one million of you give assent to the one thousand who participate in the murder of a child, then one million of you are a million times guilty.”
— Compton Gage
“I'm going to need to save you.""Excuse me? No one needs-""I'm saving you, so shut up and be grateful.”
— Kelley Armstrong,
“You think too much of your "toilette", Adele; but you may have a flower." I took a rose from a vase and fastened it in her sash. She sighed a sign of ineffable satisfaction, as if her cup of happiness were now full. I turned my face away to conceal a smile I could not suppress; there was something ludicrous as well as painful in the little Parisienne's earnest and innate devotion to matters of dress.”
— Charlotte Brontë,
“No crime is a means to an end. No crime can be rationalized.”
— Compton Gage
“LIKE THE SUICIDAL RACCOON, I, TOO, WILL FUCK UP YOUR ALIGNMENT IF YOU RUN ME OVER. - T-shirt”
— Darynda Jones,
“Shit" Bug said, his face sour. "It's that thing again. We've been dealing with it since Pierce. You think you have a lead and then poof" - he made a puffing motion with his fingers - "it melts into nothing and all you have is frustration and the far noise your face makes when you hit you desk with it."Fart.... what?”
— Ilona Andrews,
“People don't seem as annoying when I've got coffee”
— Tommy Cotton,
“You're not supposed to be on the bed," he told the puppy. "It's contractually prohibited.”
— Lisa Kleypas,
“You did so, two evers.Twice the ever is, like, the obnoxiousness squared.”
— Emma   Mills,
“If one thousand of you participate in the murder of one child, then one thousand of you are a thousand times guilty.”
— Compton Gage
“I am not pointing fingers, but rather pointing at the facts, as the facts point fingers regardless.”
— Nathan Hong
“Don’t think that this conversation is over.” Kat eyed the two of us.“I’ll make sure no hellion harms a hair on her head until we get the full story.” Nikki smiled.“I am never stealing fruit for the two of you ever again.” I begrudgingly replied.“Oh I really doubt that it was stolen.” Nikki beamed. “You’re just as bad as Barakiel.” “I guess he’s been bound to rub off on me some, but I am way prettier.” She spoke as I moved past her towards the door, yanking it open.”
— Yelena Lugin,
“... sentiments which Feliks had already come to recognise as being characteristic of The Times, which would have described the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as strong rulers who could do nothing but good for the stability of the international situation.”
— Ken Follett,
“Being immortal is grand and all but I don't really remember half of what I did. The human brain was not made to hold this much information. So it doesn't.”
— John Kennebrew,
“This is your home,’ he said. ‘You are mistress of Finchley Park, Vanessa. You may do whatever you wish.’Her smile broadened.‘Within reason,’ he added hastily.”
— Mary Balogh,
“I thought you were a narcissist."Koppel burst into laughter."I'm too ugly to be a narcissist," he said.”
— Mitch Albom,
“I forget sometimes I need to eat and drink now.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“Jesus, we forgot the goddamn ape!”
— Winston Groom,
“The Cracked Eggs, he says, have broken up.”
— Winston Groom,