Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“Maybe we should have gone with him," he said, a few minutes after his friend was lost to sight."Three of us would make four times the noise he will," Halt said.Horace frowned, not quite understanding the equation. "Wouldn't three of us make three times the noise?"Halt shook his head. "Will and Tug will make hardly any noise. Neither will Abelard and I. But as for you and that moving earthquake you call a horse..." He gestured at Kicker and left the rest unsaid.”
— John Flanagan,
“Well, that cinched it. He was an asshole. I was definitely going to end up sleeping with him.”
— Molly Harper,
“Now listen, we need to be quiet as mice. No, quieter than that. As quiet as . . . as . . .” “Dead mice?” Reynie suggested. “Perfect,” said Kate with an approving nod. “As quiet as dead mice.”
— Trenton Lee Stewart,
“Restaurants are minefields for the socially inept”
— Graeme Simsion,
“Uh... ," Ivy stammered, and I glanced up to see her eyes wide in consideration."I'm kidding," I said. "It passed the lethal-amulet test, remember?""Not that. You keep it in your underwear drawer?"I hesitated, wondering why I was embarrassed. "Well, where do you put your elven magic?" I asked.”
— Kim Harrison,
“I decided early in graduate school that I needed to do something about my moods. It quickly came down to a choice between seeing a psychiatrist or buying a horse. Since almost everyone I knew was seeing a psychiatrist, and since I had an absolute belief that I should be able to handle my own problems, I naturally bought a horse.”
— Kay Redfield Jamison,
“I also don't trust Caribou anymore. They're out there, on the tundra, waiting... Something's going down. I'm right about this.”
— joss whedon
“She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity.”
— Dakota Cassidy,
“Well, well, well,” Santa said once the elf had retreated. “Come and sit on my lap, little boy.”This Santa’s beard was real, and so was his hair. He wasn’t fucking around.“I’m not really a little boy,” I pointed out.“Get on my lap, then, big boy.”I walked up to him. There wasn’t much lap under his belly. And even though he tried to disguise it, as I went up there, I swear he adjustedhis crotch.“Ho ho ho!” he chortled.I sat gingerly on his knee, like it was a subway seat with gum on it.“Have you been a good little boy this year?” he asked.I didn’t feel that I was the right person to determine my own goodness or badness, but in the interest of speeding along this encounter, I said yes.He actually wobbled with joy.“Good! Good! Then what can I bring you this Christmas?”I thought it was obvious.“A message from Lily,” I said. “That’s what I want for Christmas. But I want it right now.”“So impatient!” Santa lowered his voice and whispered in my ear. “But Santa does have a little something for you”—he shifted a little inhis seat—“right under his coat. If you want to have your present, you’ll have to rub Santa’s belly.”“What?” I asked.He gestured with his eyes down to his stomach. “Go ahead.”I looked closely and saw the faint outline of an envelope beneath his red velvet coat.“You know you want it,” he whispered.The only way I could survive this was to think of it as the dare it was.Fuck off, Lily. You can’t intimidate me.I reached right under Santa’s coat. To my horror, I found he wasn’t wearing anything underneath. It was hot, sweaty, Geshy, hairy … andhis belly was this massive obstacle, blocking me from the envelope. I had to lean over to angle my arm in order to reach it, the whole timehaving Santa laugh, “Oh ho ho, ho ho oh ho!” in my ear. I heard the elf scream, “What the hell!” and various parents start to shriek. Yes, I was feeling up Santa. And now the corner of the envelope was in my hand. He tried to jiggle it away from me, but I held tight and yanked itout, pulling some of his white belly hair with me. “OW ho ho!” he cried. I jumped o1 his lap. “Security’s here!” the elf proclaimed. The letter was in my hand, damp but intact. “He touched Santa!” a young child squealed.”
— Rachel Cohn,
“Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?”
— John Green,
“Don't you want to know what cookies is a code word for?" "No! Good God, no!”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“We men are fascinated by the things we don't really understand. It gives us something to think and talk about: like females, they drive us nuts.”
— Criss Jami,
“It's rude to stare, but the great thing about staring at a sedated person is that they don't know you're doing it.”
— Maggie Stiefvater,
“Stick." I said in Russian. I had no clue what the word for stake was. I pointed at the silver ring I wore and made a slashing motion. "Stick. where?" He stared at me in utter confusion and then asked in perfect English, "why are you talking like that?”
— Richelle Mead,
“He watched me rake my fingers through the tangles in my hair and smiled. “Quit it. You’re fucking beautiful.”“Just point me to the nearest eighties rock video,” I said.”
— Jamie McGuire,
“He stepped back with exaggerated courtesy. But when I walked past him, he swatted my rump. Hard enough to sting.“You need to be more careful,” he growled. “Keep interfering in my business and you might get hurt.”I said sweetly as I continued to Jesse's room, “The last man who swatted me like that is rotting in his grave.”“I have no doubt about it.” His voice was more satisfied then contrite.”
— Patricia Briggs,
“And my piece of advice is...don't flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours.”
— Simone Elkeles,
“Because there's no way on earth she's going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around”
— Lisa McMann,
“Oh, hell, he'd look hot in a chicken suit.”
— Cyn Balog,
“Royce looked back down at the stream below. "She doesn't even know me. What if she doesn't like me? Few people do.""She might not at first. Maribor knows I didn't. But you have a way of growing on a person." He smiled. "You know, like lichen or mold.”
— Michael J.  Sullivan,
“This is Sailor Supergirl,” George says. “She knows all about black holes.”
— Huntley Fitzpatrick,
“Poison." he said, deadpan. "That's an unusual name to give your child. You must love her very much."She's a treasure." Bram agreed, blithely ignoing the sarcasm.....Then went a few dozen feet in silence, until they were out of eaarshor of the gaurd.She's a treasure." Poison mimicked, and Bram burst out laughing.”
— Chris Wooding,
“The girl says "Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a whore!" Which is true, Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn't mean they are a certain way. Don't even forget it. But ladies, you must understand that is fucking confusing. It just is. Now that would be like me, Dave Chappelle, the comedian, walking down the street in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me saying, "Oh, thank God. Officer, help us! Come on. They're over here. Help us!" "Oh-hoh! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a police officer!" See what I mean? All right, ladies, fine. You are not a whore. But you are wearing a whore's uniform.”
— Dave Chappelle
“I’m tired of ignorance held up as inspiration, where vicious anti-intellectualism is considered a positive trait, and where uninformed opinion is displayed as fact.”
— Phil Plait
“I remember the will said, 'May God thy gold refine.' That must be from the Bible.""Shakespeare," Turtle said. All quotations were either from the Bible or Shakespeare.”
— Ellen Raskin,
“I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.”
— Wally Wang
“When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.”
— Bauvard,
“Besides, if you ever did eat some bad food, I could still find a use for you. I've always wanted a cat-drawn carriage."Cheshire opened one eye, his pupil slitted and unamused. "I would dangle balls of yarn and fish bones out in front to keep you moving."He stopped purring long enough to say, "You are not as cute as you think you are, Lady Pinkerton.”
— Marissa Meyer,
“The dark prince sat astride his black steed, his sable cape flowing behind him. A golden circlet bound his blond locks, his handsome face was cold with the rage of battle, and..."And his arm looked like an eggplant," Clary muttered to herself in exasperation.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“How much detention did you get?"Two weeks. One per arsehole.”
— Stephanie Perkins,
“I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big."His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.""What?"The grin spread. "I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know." he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.”
— Yogi Berra
“Alright, good night,” he said, his words a little slurred. “But before I pass out, I want you to know that you’re the hottest biscuit this side of the gravy boat.”
— Erin McCarthy,
“You. Me. Exorcist.-Bones”
— Jeaniene Frost,
“The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.”
— Don Roff
“Our nannas are losers.”
— Barbara Park,
“Boomer took bites of all six varieties, contemplating each one and "guring out the order in which he would then eat them. “I like thebrown one and the lighter brown one and the almost-brown one. I’m not so sure about the minty one. But really, I think the lebkuchen spiceone is the best.”“The what?”“The lebkuchen spice one.” He held it up for me. “This one.”“You’re making that up. What’s a lebkuchen spice? It sounds like a cross between a Keebler elf and a stripper. Hello, my name eesLebkuchen Spice, and I vant to show you my cooooookies...”“Don’t be rude!” Boomer protested. As if the cookie might be offended.”
— David Levithan,
“Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.”
— Bauvard,
“I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.”
— Karl Pilkington,
“The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.”
— Mark Twain
“Does Hallmark make a “Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner” card? I settled for “How much do you remember?”
— Molly Harper,
“Look, why don't you go talk to Ron about all this?" Harry asked."Well, I would, but he's always asleep when I go and see him!" said Lavender fretfully."Is he?" said Harry, surprised, for he had found Ron perfectly alert every time he had been up to the hospital wing.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“Did you know that Gideon and I were trained in Krav Maga?" Charlotte took another step closer to me, and I automatically took one back."No, but did /you/ know that at this moment you look like that crazy rodent in Ice Age?”
— Kerstin Gier,
“By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity – another man’s, I mean.”
— Mark Twain
“Some of us were brought into this troubled world primarily or only to increase our fathers’ chances of not being left by our mothers, or vice versa.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana,
“Little James Herondale, age two, was in fact holding a dagger quite well. He stabbed it into a sofa cushion, sending out a burst of feathers. "Ducks," he said, pointing at the feathers.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous.”
— Charles Dickens,
“And tell them what?" Jace said witheringly. "That invisible people are bothering you? Trust me, little girl, the police aren't going to arrest someone they can't see”
— Cassandra Clare,
“I had a dream about you last night.. You were balancing ten tiny footballs on your nose while dancing with a turquoise unicorn.”
— Amy Summers,
“Daddy is trying really fugging hard to think of a not-terrifying reason why you'd wake Daddy up in the middle of the night to ask that fugging question. But no. No. Daddy does not have a match or a lighter.”
— John Green,
“Simon didn’t think Meg really wanted to know how to eviscerate a rabbit. He could be wrong about that, but he just couldn’t picture Meg pouncing on a bunny and ripping it open with her teeth.Maybe if he tried harder to picture it?”
— Anne Bishop,
“I had a dream about you last night... you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally.”
— Nicole McKay,
“Did I just get psychically pimp-slapped by a little old lady?”
— Molly Harper,
“Furthermore--though it was quite irrelevant now--he had no idea his killer, Kazuo Kiriyama, had, in his mansion that was much larger than Toshinori's home in Shiroiwa-cho, mastered the violin at a level far superior to Toshinori's a long time ago--and then tossed his violin into the trash.”
— Koushun Takami,
“I never meant it," he was saying. "Never meant it to happen. Can't stand it,seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something... What do I do? What can I do...?”
— Rachel Caine,
““Fuck! ” I shouted and everyone at the espresso counter looked over at us. “Half a million dollars?” Lee dropped his foot and turned to me. “Roxie, calm down.”“Half a million dollars and he bought me cheese puffs and took me to that sleaze bag motel? I’m gonna fucking kill that motherfucker!” I yelled.“Roxie –”I slammed my fists on my knees. “The least he could have done was bind my wrists with VELVET ROPE. He sure could have afforded it. Stupid jerk.”
— Kristen Ashley,
“And he paddled away in his douche canoe.”
— Joe Hill,
“Oh," she said, in a very different way. "Well. Thanks for my part in the compliment. Naturally I'd love to be watched and controlled, but I think I may be washing my hair that day.”
— Sarah Rees Brennan,
“Nobody calls me 'blondie' and keeps their kneecaps.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“Though Alec had never seen the occupants of the first floor loft, they seemed to be engaged in a tempestuous romance. Once there had been a bunch of someone's belongings strewn all over the landing with a note attached to a jacket lapel addressed to "A lying liar who lies." Right now there was a bouquet of flowers taped to the door with a card tucked among the blooms that read I'M SORRY. That was the thing about New York: you always knew more about your neighbors' business than you wanted to.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“I sometimes give myself excellent advice. Occasionally, I even listen to it.”
— Jim Butcher,
“For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.”
— Darynda Jones,
“The tavern keeper, a wiry man with a sharp-nosed face, round, prominent ears and a receding hairline that combined to give him a rodentlike look, glanced at him, absentmindedly wiping a tankard with a grubby cloth. Will raised an eyebrow as he looked at it. He'd be willing to bet the cloth was transferring more dirt to the tankard then it was removing. "Drink?" the tavern keeper asked. He set the tankard down on the bar, as if in preparation for filling it with whatever the stranger might order. "Not out of that," Will said evenly, jerking a thumb at the tankard. Ratface shrugged, shoved it aside and produced another from a rack above the bar. "Suit yourself. Ale or ouisgeah?" Ousigeah, Will knew, was the strong malt spirit they distilled and drank in Hibernia. In a tavern like this, it might be more suitable for stripping runt than drinking. "I'd like coffee," he said, noticing the battered pot by the fire at one end of the bar. "I've got ale or ouisgeah. Take your pick." Ratface was becoming more peremptory. Will gestured toward the coffeepot. The tavern keeper shook his head. "None made," he said. "I'm not making a new pot just for you." "But he's drinking coffee," Will said, nodding to one side. Inevitably the tavern keeper glanced that way, to see who he was talking about. The moment his eyes left Will, an iron grip seized the front of his shirt collar, twisting it into a knot that choked him and at the same time dragged him forward, off balance, over the bar,. The stranger's eyes were suddenly very close. He no longer looked boyish. The eyes were dark brown, almost black in this dim light, and the tavern keeper read danger there. A lot of danger. He heard a soft whisper of steel, and glancing down past the fist that held him so tightly, he glimpsed the heavy, gleaming blade of the saxe knife as the stranger laid it on the bar between them. He looked around for possible help. But there was nobody else at the bar, and none of the customers at the tables had noticed what was going on. "Aach...mach co'hee," he choked. The tension on his collar eased and the stranger said softly, "What was that?" "I'll...make...coffee," he repeated, gasping for breath. The stranger smiled. It was a pleasant smile, but the tavern keep noticed that it never reached those dark eyes. "That's wonderful. I'll wait here.”
— John Flanagan,
“Some girls want to be a princess when they grow up. I wanted to be in a bad bitch girl gang.”
— Natalia Kills
“Yeah,” said Harry. “No more pretending we care what happens when Jupiter and Uranus get too friendly . . .”“And from now on, I don’t care if my tea leaves spell die, Ron, die — I’m just chucking them in the bin where they belong.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“Claire said. “I might be able to get him to stop.” “Who, crazy dude? Maybe. Or he might pull your head off,” Shane said. “I kind of worry.”She couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah?”“A little bit.”“That’s …nice.”He studied her, and returned the smile. “Yeah,” he said. “Kind of is, actually.”
— Rachel Caine,
“No, no. Don't make that face. Every time I propose to you, you make that twisty, unhappy face. It wears on a man's confidence.”
— Tessa Dare,
“When does anyone in the world utter those (Harmlessly flirting) words? When they're caught doing something wrong, right? Then how the fuck is it EVER considered harmless, if someone is ALWAYS going to be hurt by those words being said? There's NO harmless in harmless flirting and the sooner the world agrees with this, the sooner people will stop getting hurt by it being said all the bloody time!”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“You are the Energizer Bunny for badasses. -Ash”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“I want to change my life...except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn't be more delighted every Monday night after Fletch goes to bed when I come downstairs, pull up the Bachelor on TiVo, drink Riesling, and eat cheddar/port wine Kaukauna cheese without freakign out over fat grams. I'm perpetually in a good mood because I do everything I want. I love having the freedom to skip the gym to watch a Don Knots movie on the Disney Channel without a twinge of guilt. I've figured out how to not be beholden to what other people believe I should be doing, and when the world tells me I ought to be a size eight, I can thumb my nose at them in complete empowerment.”
— Jen Lancaster,
“Ladies and gentleman," he said over the speakers, "welcome aboard this recently liberated Gulfstream V. If I could have your attention for just a few moments, I'd like to go over the safety features of this aircraft. It has an engine, to make us go, and wings, to keep us in the air. There are seatbelts, which won't do you an awful lot of good if we fly into the side of a mountain.”
— Derek Landy,
“Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.”
— Robert Orben
“So I have. Let me hold the baby, Scarlett. Oh, I know how to hold babies. I have many strange accomplishments. Well, he certainly looks like Frank. All except the whiskers, but give him time.”“I hope not. It’s a girl.”
— Margaret Mitchell,
“You can go back to blacksmithing in Hintindar and live a quiet happy life. Do me a favor and marry some pretty farm girl and train your son to beat the crap out of imperial knights.""Sure," Hadrian told him. "And with any luck he'll make friends with a cynical burglar who'll do nothing but torment him.”
— Michael J.  Sullivan,
“Google “brooklyn writer” and you’ll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?”
— COLSON WHITEHEAD
“Don't be afraid to be afraid. Have fear, and then conquer the shit out of it.”
— D. Antoinette Foy
“I mean, drink driving is bad, drug driving is bad, but what is driving whilst under the influence of a fuc%ing nymphomaniac in your lap? How many years will this get me, if I do manage to keep my eyes on the road and not drive us off it first?”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“CONFESSION NO. 1 Most women find the bloating, cramping, and bitchiness of PMS bothersome at worst. I turn into a monster a week before my period…literally.”
— Ronda Thompson,
“Pritkin muttered something that sounded fairly vicious. “My clothes are warded! Even if I wished to accede to your demand, it would not work on them.”“Then strip.”“I beg your pardon?” He sounded almost polite suddenly, as if he believed he couldn’t possibly have heard right.”
— Karen Chance,
“I lost my balance when the train pulled away, but a human crumple zone buffered my fall. We stayed like that, half fallen. Diagonal People.”
— David Mitchell,
“Larry’s such a liar---He tells outrageous lies.He says he’s ninety-nine years oldInstead of only five.He says he lives up on the moon,He says that he once flew.He says he’s really six feet fourInstead of three feet two.He says he has a billion dollars‘Stead of just a dime.He says he rode a dinosaurBack in some distant time.He says his mother is the moonWho taught him magic spells.He says his father is the windThat rings the morning bells.He says he can take stones and rocksAnd turn them into gold.He says he can take burnin’ fireAnd turn it freezin’ cold.He said he’d send me seven elvesTo help me with my chores.But Larry’s such a liar---He only sent me four.”
— Shel Silverstein
“Ma'am,' Augustus said, nodding toward her, 'your daughter's car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door and go back inside or we'll be forced to call the police.' After wavering for a moment, Monica's mom closed the door and disappeared.”
— John Green,
“You eat like a caveman.""No, I don't," he says angrily. And then, a moment later: "Do I?"Warner to Kenji”
— Tahereh Mafi,
“I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.”
— Nancy Springer
“. . . and together you're what, the Super Friends?”
— Mark Jeffrey
“Behind me, Marc made a soft whistling sound, clearly impressed. “That’s not standard procedure,” he said, his tone entirely too reasonable as he leaned over the stray’s body to open the back passenger-side door. “Yeah, well, I’m not your standard enforcer.”
— Rachel Vincent,
“Dallas popped his jaw. “I do not cackle. I bitch like a he-man.”
— Gena Showalter,
“First rule of thievery,' Eli said, grinning, 'only run if you're not coming back.' (...) 'First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.' Miranda rolled her eyes. 'How many 'first rules' of thievery do you have?' 'When one mistake can mean your head on a pike, every rule's a first rule,' Eli said cheerfully.”
— Rachel Aaron,
“One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?”
— Ilona Andrews,
“He shook his head. He didn't know. He couldn't tell when he had woken fully. He walked to the horses. They definitely seemed alarmed. But then, they would. After all, he had just leapt to his feet unexpectedly, waving his saxe knife around like a lunatic.”
— John Flanagan,
“I look like a biker slut from hell meets soldier of fortune pinup.”
— Laurell K. Hamilton,
“Manchee comes outta the bushes and sits down next to me cuz I’ve stopped right there in the middle of a trail. He looks around to see what I might be seeing and then he says, ”Good poo, Todd.” ”I’m sure it was, Manchee.”I’d better not get another ruddy dog when my birthday comes. What I want this year is a hunting knife like the one Ben carries on the back of his belt. Now that’s a present for a man.“Poo,” Manchee’s says quietly.”
— Patrick Ness,