Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.”
— Mark Twain
“The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.”
— Christy Leigh Stewart
“Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?~ Susan”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“In my mind, she was Lebkuchen Spice—ironic, Germanic, sexy, and off beat. And, mein Gott, the girl could bake a damn fine cookie … to the point that I wanted to answer her What do you want for Christmas? with a simple More cookies, please!But no. She warned me not to be a smart-ass, and while that answer was totally sincere, I was afraid she would think I was joking or,worse, kissing up.It was a hard question, especially if I had to batten down the sarcasm. I mean, there was the beauty pageant answer of world peace, although I’d probably have to render it in the beauty pageant spelling of world peas. I could play the boo-hoo orphan card and wish for my whole family to be together, but that was the last thing I wanted, especially at this late date.”
— David Levithan,
“Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.”
— Holly Hood
“Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious.Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her.“Why’s this fish so bloody good?” he demanded, angrily.”
— Douglas Adams,
“He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home”
— Rachel Gibson,
“Sweetie, this is Hell. We invented paperwork.”
— Jackie Kessler,
“The man in 4B wondered if he could have your autograph. He told me his daughter is a huge fan.”Fan? What the hell? Dylan lifted himself up and looked over the back of his seat. Since when did covert operators have fans?”
— Tara Janzen,
“always schedule your comeback.”
— Brooke Bida
“I had a dream about you last night.We moved into a cabin in the countryside.I couldn't handle the spiders.You couldn't handle my drama.I moved back to the city.”
— Michael  Summers,
“Nicole can do anything that involves a ball and whistle.”
— Laurie Halse Anderson
“I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world’s best ventriloquist.”
— Michael  Summers,
“Keep up," said an irritable voice in her ear. It was Jace, who had dropped back to walk beside her. "I don't want to have to keep looking behind me to make sure nothing's happened to you.""So don't bother.""Last time I left you alone, a demon attacked you," he pointed out. "Well, I'd certainly hate to interrupt your pleasant night stroll with my sudden death."He blinked. "There is a fine line between sarcasm and outright hostility, and you seem to have crossed it.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.”
— Jim Gaffigan
“I am so tired, I can hardly type these worfs.”
— Lemony Snicket,
“Whoa, Rebecca," Talia said smiling even wider, "Walking on the wild side, are we?"Raisa seemed to think the situation needed more explaining. "He - uh - I'm tutoring him.""She is," Han said solemnly. "She's very good. I'm learning a lot."Pearlie snickered. "What's she teaching you?""Well," Han said, "we're jumping around a lot.”
— Cinda Williams Chima,
“Otter! Otter! Otter!Don’t lead cows to slaughter!I love you, and I knowI should’ve told you soon-aBut you didn’t buy the dolphin-safe tuna!”
— T.J. Klune,
“Pops added,"you know, they say if you don't vote, you get the government you deserve.""And if you do, you never get the results you expected," (Katherine) replied.”
— E.A. Bucchianeri,
“Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, "Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run you nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they're flushed out to sea with the rest of the city's filth. After such time, we will sysematically seek out your friends and loved one and destroy their lives."Wouldn't you like to see a sign like that?”
— George Carlin,
“Where did you meet?” he pressed on.I shrugged and considered a little rephrasing. “I was out for a run.”“From who?”I leaned back to take a long, very long, slow sip of that beer.Knox leaned forward. “I think we’re both bullsh*tting here, you ever play that card game?”“With my grandma, every Sunday after church.”
— Dannika Dark,
“Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.”
— Carroll Bryant
“You must be careful when you ask people whether they’re happy; it’s a question that can upset them a great deal.”
— Francois Lelord
“You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.”
— Libba Bray,
“His left eyebrow crept higher and higher as I told him the strange bits like the glowing letters and serpent staff. "Well, Sadie," Inspector Williams said. "You've got quite an imagination." "I'm not lying, Inspector. And I think your eyebrow is trying to escape." He tried to look at his own eyebrows, then scowled.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.”
— Bauvard,
“Shit," Delia said. "I mean, shoot. No, actually, I mean shit. I really do.”
— Sarah Dessen,
“You two were in a cave together?’ said Miss Simpkins in horror.‘Yes,’ said Kate, ‘and it was very, very dark.”
— Kenneth Oppel,
“Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.”
— Bauvard,
“Ancient Chinese proverb,” he said, heading toward the kitchen.“He who butt-fucks all night wakes up with sore asshole.”
— Brad Boney,
“That streetside tree is obscuring the air. Cut it down. Haul it in for questioning. There are secrets within that foliage. You might want to separate the branches in different rooms and apply some elementary game theory.”“Question a plant?”“Trees have a will too, just like people. We have to know it’s purpose. Read Schopenhauer.”“Schopenwho?”“He was the only authentic German. You might like him. Being a police officer, you’re undoubtedly familiar with the need to put an end to the lives of the perverse when sex crimes go too far. Now just generalize that necessity to every human being.”
— Benson Bruno,
“Madison answered. “I said, ‘The Queen thinks the King’s a pussy for sending her to retrieve me. I dare him to catch me if he can.”
— Gracen Miller,
“When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.”
— Bauvard,
“And she didn't once say anything about this being a sin. It used to be I got the word sin slapped in my face every time I did something wrong, but come on, when you live in a sin-free family with sin-free parents and a sin-free sister, well, you can't help but sin a little extra on their behalf.”
— Han Nolan,
“I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!”
— Steven Wright
“And soon we were just rolling around on the ground, cursing and screeching and ripping out handfuls of hair. Without super hearing, I wouldn't have heard Zeb whisper, "This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.""Maybe they'll get muddy," Dick said. "Please, Lord, let them get muddy.”
— Molly Harper,
“I don’t have any regrets,” a famous movie actor said in an interview I recently witnessed. “I’d live everything over exactly the same way.” “That’s really pathetic,” the talk show host said. “Are you seeking help?” “Yeah. My shrink says we’re making progress. Before, I wouldn’t even admit that I would live it all over,” the actor said, starting to choke up. “I thought one life was satisfying enough.” “My God,” the host said, cupping his hand to his mouth. “The first breakthrough was when I said I would live it over, but only in my dreams. Nocturnal recurrence.” “You’re like the character in that one movie of yours. What’s it called? You know, the one where you eat yourself.”“The Silence of Sam.”“That’s it. Can you do the scene?”The actor lifts up his foot to stick it in his mouth. I reach over from my seat and help him to fit it into his bulging cheeks. The audience goes wild.”
— Benson Bruno,
“Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down each tree by hugging it until it falls. ”
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo,
“Especially well known around the office is my weakness for dyspareunist women. Most people would find such disparity in unity repelling, but it harmonizes perfectly with my personal tastes.”
— Benson Bruno,
“Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny clowns.”
— David Wong,
“I’ve been practicin’ my morgue face for when I have to go identify your body. Wanna see it?” Nick said then he arranged his face in this kind of mock, sad, shocked look and slowly shook his head like a world with vigilante social workersmystified him.”
— Kristen Ashley,
“The x-ray of your skull shows a large, flobby mass floating inside. I have to consult my colleagues to be certain, but it looks like a long sausage snarled into a lump.”
— Benson Bruno,
“Just this past summer, I took online courses in introductory logic and law through civilization. Often the weight of history, with its facts heaped upon facts requiring complex chains of inference to sort through – I mean complex for someone with the soft brain of a tomato merchant; for me the premises are obvious and the conclusions dire and inescapable – threatened to crush me, and I was ultimately forced to abandon the whole undertaking. By way of recovery, I spent the rest of the summer immersed in a Freudian meditation on some choice tabloids. The mysterious lives of celebrities make for challenging induction. The reasoning process involves navigating many gaps in our knowledge of them. What is certain is that under the iceberg of glitz and glamor lie neurotic, depraved individuals with bizarre habits and hobbies, people who think they’re above the law.”
— Benson Bruno,
“It wasn't that Nanny Ogg sang badly. It was just that she could hit notes which, when amplified by a tin bath half full of water, ceased to be sound and became some sort of invasive presence.”
— Terry Pratchett,
“When you cross over into the weird stuff, there's no going back. Hector has a theory on it. Calls it the law of 'Anomalous Phenomena Attraction.' He explained it to me once. Didn't really pay attention, but it boils down to 'weird shit pulls in more weird shit.”
— A. Lee Martinez,
“Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless flat than the floor."Owww!" he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn't mean it."If you think I can understand that," he growled, "you're crazier than I'd originally thought.”
— Julia Quinn,
“Gliding down the bike path on a Saturday morning, you whip by somebody peddling in the opposite direction and give each other a nod. For a moment it's like "Hey, we're both doing the same thing. Let's be friends for a second.”
— Neil Pasricha,
“I`ve got a black woolen hat and it`s got Pervert written across the front of it. It`s the name of the clothing label. And I was with my wife and my baby at the supermarket and I didn`t think. I just put my hat on Clara`s head, because it was cold. And the looks. I couldn`t figure out why I was getting death looks. And then I realized my 10-month old baby`s wearing a hat with the word Pervert written on it and these people were like, `There`s Satan! There`s Satan out with his kid!` And then I made a point of her wearing it every time we went there.”
— Ewan McGregor
“He sniggered.He didn't like to think of himself as the sort of person who giggled or sniggered, but he had to admit that he had been giggling and sniggering almost continuously for well over half an hour now.”
— Douglas Adams,
“Your on your on with this one babe.""Coward.""Calling me names isn't going to get me in there."-Ranger and Stephanie”
— Janet Evanovich,
“Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.”
— Bette Davis
“While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.”
— Chelsea Handler,
“Guess we're going north," Dev said slowly."Everyone, follow Lassie.Timmy's in the well.”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“They say the path of true love never runs smooth. Well, Luke and my true love's path didn't run at all, it limped along in new boots that were chafing its heels. Blistered and cut, red and raw, every hopping, lopsided step, a little slice of agony.”
— Marian Keyes,
“May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.”
— Roman Payne
“I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago.""Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear?”
— MaryJanice Davidson,
“You know, there are just some things you never expect to face even on this job. A flying primate that shoots fire out its nose is one of them.”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“We have allowed the system to be so corrupted that many want justice to be "empathetic," not blind.”
— Glenn Beck
“He couldn’t just come right out with it, could he? No, that would scare her off. He had to be subtle, build up to it. Explain himself. “I love you.” Of course, straight to the point was also an effective strategy.”
— Sarah Mayberry,
“I think Lafayette wants to rap in French now. I have to go learn some French.Damn it, Lafayette.”
— Lin Manuel Miranda
“Men were good for one thing only. Killing spiders. Other than that, I was on my own. It was sad though. Where was the chivalry of yesteryear?”
— Kate Carlisle,
“Sounds like you kids have some talking to do. I'll be eavesdropping from the kitchen.”
— Jill Shalvis,
“What is it? Tens, I can see the stick up your arse from here. I'm dying remember? Dying people don't have time for silly moods”
— Amber Kizer,
“I lied. I do that, you know, when it suits me. I would have thought you'd realized that by now.”
— Anne Stuart,
“Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.”
— Weston Locher,
“Lila!" he said cheerfully. "So you aren't a figment of my brothers imagination after all.”
— V.E. Schwab,
“But you won’t abdicate."Of course not. It’s my duty to go on, to maintain the line. I can’t possibly fail in that. It’s as if you and I were throwing a ball back and forth to establish a record, and had been doing so for a millennium. You cannot drop a ball that has remained airborne through good effort for most of a thousand years. You cannot stop an unlikely heart that has been beating for so long. I would rather die than betray continuity, for its own sake if for nothing else. And Britain needs a king, just as it needs motormen and cooks and a prime minister. Just as it needs soldiers who will die for it if they must. It’s my job, or it will be, but you should know that I’ve never wanted it. I was only born to it, as if with a deformity, to which I hope I can respond with grace."Fredericka had been running her finger over the carpet, tracing a pattern in the way children do when they have learnt something overwhelming and are moved, but cannot say so. Freddy expected her to look up, with tears, and that in this moment she might have begun the long and arduous process of becoming a queen. She was so beautiful. To embrace her now, with high emotion flowing from her physical majesty, was all he wanted in the world. Her finger stopped moving, and she turned her eyes to him.Freddy?"Yes?" he answered.What’s raw egg? I read a recipe in She that called for a cup of raw egg. What is that?"After a long silence, Freddy asked, "Which part of the formulation escapes you? Egg? Raw? The link between the two?"The two what?"Fredericka?"Yes, Freddy?"Would you like to go dancing?"Oh, yes Freddy!"Come then. We will.”
— Mark Helprin,
“Things Isabella Wouldn't Care About: - Titanic sinking again. - Metror striking Earth and landing directly on top of world's most innocent panda. - Titanic sinking again and this time the entire crew is puppies.”
— Jim Benton,
“Cole, for Christ's sake, will you stop staring at me like I'm beefcake of the month?”
— Simon Holt,
“Advice to explorers everywhere: if you would like to recieve due credit for your discoveries, keep a detailed account of your journeys as Columbus did. On Septemeber 28, 1492, after four weeks at sea, he writes: Dear diary...I means journal. Yes, dear journal. That's what I meant to say. Whew. Anyway, we have yet to discover America, and the crew has become increasingly rebellious. I have decided to turn back if we have not spotted it by Columbus Day. Will write again later if not killed by crew. P.S. Last night's buffet was fabulous, the ice sculptures magnificent.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“The world looks very different to me now at twenty. I have outgrown my early opinions and ideals with my short dresses, just as Mrs. Walton said we would. Now the critics can say 'Thou waitest till thy woman's fingers wrought the best that lay within thy woman's heart.”
— Annie Fellows Johnston
“Wehehehehell, if it isn’t Ollie-Ollie-oxidant-free..."You can take…all the tea in China…put it in a big brown…bag for me.He’s as sweet as tupelo honey; he’s an angel of the first degree.Men with insight…men in granite…knights in armor bent on…chivalry.He’s as sweet as…tupelo honey; just like honey, baby…from the bee."=> For those who read and liked "When Irish eyes are sparkling"Can i have a musician here?”
— Tom Collins
“This social worker lassie turns round n gies us a stroppy look. Ah jist smiles bit she looked away aw fuckin nippy likes. Disnae cost nowt tae be social. A social worker thit cannae be fuckin social; that's nae good tae nae cunt, thon. Like a lifeguard thit cannae fuckin swim. Shouldnae be daein that kinday joab.”
— Irvine Welsh,
“Jev stroked his chin. "Do I look like a summer fling?”
— Becca Fitzpatrick,
“Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:Yes.Yes.No.One time in high school.Three times in my twenties.Rocks no salt.Yes.Four.Never. And how dare you!I will take no further questions.”
— Ellen DeGeneres,
“He seemed to be staring at the chain hanging from the ceiling fan. Seconds later, he confirmed this by reaching out and tugging the chain. Light clicked on.He tugged the chain again.Light went off.Oh for gods' sake, he had a mean case of ADD sometimes. "Apollo," I snapped.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“They came out in a dim, damp basement - a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. 'You take me to the nicest places,' Claire said, and sneezed.”
— Rachel Caine,
“Alex the waiter was on my Spank Naughty list in third place, right after Henry Calvill the actor, then Henry Calvill as Superman. He was proof that God existed, and that God loved straight women.”
— Penny Reid,
“I happen to be a fantastic kisser. Sadly, you will never get to find out.”“Never say never,” he answers in a singsong voice.“Thanks for that, Justin Bieber. But yeah, not going to happen, dude.”
— Elle Kennedy,
“Oh. Momma told me not to tell you that your bed squeaks. But I think you know, 'cause I could hear it this morning. Jake dropped his fork. Tor, for the first time Jake had ever seen, turned scarlet. Maureen looked at them both and sighed. Christmas is always so interesting with you, Mark.”
— Chris Owen,
“Does he give you zings in your things?”
— Penny Reid,
“Regin the Radiant and Emmaline Troy: 'Alrighty then, have it your way- you're on your own... Now, if you come across a leech, no offense, remember your training.''None taken. And would that be the sword training where you fly past my defenses and swat me on the ass, chirping, 'Dead!'? Another swat. 'Dead!'? Yeah, I'll get right on that.''No, that would be the training where you sprint like hell whenever you hear that I'm looking for you to train.”
— Kresley Cole,
“It's a sweet setup, I'll admit. For all that the maids STILL show up each day with jumbo crucifixes, jumpy movements, and red eyes from crying over the short straw that drew them vampire duty.' Yesterday, she'd just stopped herself from raising her clenched hands above her head and chasing one of them around the room groaning, 'I vant to suck your blood.”
— Kresley Cole,
“I had a dream about you last night. Eons ago, we created a Universe, then sat back and watched miniature versions of ourselves try to make all the same mistakes we did.”
— Michael  Summers,
“Zeb was kindergarten teacher--a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students.”
— Molly Harper,
“If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels....”
— Josh Stern,
“Dave walked closer to me, his dark eyes combing my every move. "Do you always hold your guitar like that?"I dropped my pick. "Do you always shop at Hot Topic?”
— Tara Kelly,
“I've always been led to believe that the ultimate goal for an author is the movie deal. Now I understand that the movie deal is merely a MEANS TO A MUCH HIGHER END: NAIL POLISH.”
— Kristin Cashore
“No guest rooms.” I shake my head resolutely. “I want to be in a room room. A lived-in room.”
— Lauren Oliver,
“Faculty Meetings are held whenever the need to show off is combinedwith the imperative of accomplishing nothing.”
— Alexander Theroux,
“You want to stab me again, don't you?"He didn't look at all ashamed. "Think of it as testing the limits of your new abilities."I groaned. "I've created a monster.""I don't think someone who recently crawled from the grave should be throwing around labels like 'monster,'" he said, making sarcastic little air-quotes fingers. "It wasn't a grave," I sniffed. "It was a comfy four-poster.”
— Molly Harper,
“I scoop a clattering cascade of green apple Jelly Bellys into the white paper bag and remember when we were seven. I got stung by a jellyfish. Tim cried because his mother, and mine, wouldn’t let him pee on my leg, which he’d heard was an antidote to the sting.”
— Huntley Fitzpatrick,
“You have a bad habit of listing anything that can go wrong, Volger.""I have always considered that a good habit”
— Scott Westerfeld,
“Has anyone been corrupted or defiled?""Since the age of twelve," West said."I wasn't asking you, I was asking the girls.""Not yet," Cassandra replied cheerfully.”
— Lisa Kleypas,
“I had a dream about you last night... You replaced all the people in your life with kittens. It felt more like a prediction of the future.”
— Amy Summers,
“I had a dream about you. You were on a bike going 70 miles an hour, I could see you approaching my car in the mirror. You were trying to say something so, I jumped on the brakes as hard as I could, I guess I forgot I had tied your bike on my bumper.”
— Georgia Saratsioti,
“I don't think my mum ever understood my love of Doctor Who. Surely her strongest memory would have been me, standing at the top of the stairs, crying about how the "jelly men" were going to get me? Sorry, Mum, for those sleepless nights, but it was with good reason they called it Terror of the Zygons.”
— Steve Berry,