Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.”
— Lewis Carroll
“And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone's face is in close proximity to your penis.This was not one of those times.”
— John Green,
“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”
— Dave Barry
“Daemon pressed his forehead against mine. "Oh, I still want to strangle you. But I'm insane. You're crazy. Maybe that's why. We just make crazy together.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“I have the feeling we just made a deal with the devil, and he's going to come back and want our first-born child or something."Daemon waggled his brows. "You want kids? Because you know, practice makes--""Shut up." I shook my head and started walking.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“But that quickly faded, and he frowned. "You're bleeding," he said. "What happened?"Claire sighed and held up her wrist to show him the bandage. "Man, you would be so embarrassed if I said it was something else." Michael looked blank. "I'm a girl, Michael, it could have been all natural, you know. Tampons?”
— Rachel Caine,
“Ash is going to kick your ass, Daemon."Daemon's grin went up a notch. "Nah, she likes my ass too much for that.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.”
— Derek Landy,
“Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!”
— J.K. Rowling,
“Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.”
— D.J. MacHale
“Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.""Ah, well, I'm not sure I believe that.”
— Douglas Adams,
“Jem gave her a wistful look. “Must you go? I was rather hoping that you’d stay and be a ministering angel, but if you must go, you must.”	“I’ll stay,” Will said a bit crossly, and threw himself down in the armchair Tessa had just vacated. “I can minister angelically.”	“None too convincingly. And you’re not as pretty to look at as Tessa is,” Jem said, closing his eyes as he leaned back against the pillow.	“How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared it to gazing at the radiance of the sun.”	Jem still had his eyes closed. “If they mean that it gives you a headache, they aren’t wrong.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“Huh," Leo said. "Well, if you ever get off this island and want a job, let me know. You're not a total klutz."She smirked. "A job, eh?" Making things in your forge?""Nah, we could start our own shop," Leo said, surprising himself. Starting a machine shop had always been one of his dreams, but he'd never told anyone about it. "Leo and Calypso's Garage: Auto Repair and Mechanical Monsters.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Whatever happened to the dragon?"I mustered my primmest tone. "He has a name, you know."Adrian pulled back and gave me a curious look. "I didn't know, actually. What'd you decide on?""Hopper." When Adrian laughed, I added, "Best rabbit ever. He'd be proud to know his name is being passed on.""Yes, I'm sure he would. Did you name the Mustang too?""I think you mean the Ivashkinator."He stared at me in wonder. "I told you I loved you, right?"Yes," I assured him. "Many times.”
— Richelle Mead,
“I was feeling the height of bitchiness.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“Loki'd!”
— Tom Hiddleston
“Stairs," Valkyrie said, disappointed."Not just ordinary stairs," Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs.""Really?""Oh, yes."She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?""They just are.""In what way?""In a magicky way."She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?""Not really.”
— Derek Landy,
“Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter," said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.”
— Jess C Scott,
“She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing… "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim.”
— Ilona Andrews,
“Isabelle snorted, "All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon.""You noticed," said Simon. "I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual," added Magnus. "Please never say those words in front of my parents," said Alec.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“One of the greatest pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten in my life was from my mom. When I was a little kid there was a kid who was bugging me at school and she said “Okay, I’m gonna tell you what to do. If the kid’s bugging you and puts his hands on you; you pick up the nearest rock...”
— Johnny Depp
“Which way did they go, Peeves?" Filch was saying. "Quick, tell me." "Say 'please.'" "Don't mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?" "Shan't say nothing if you don't say please," said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice. "All right- PLEASE." "NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!" And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped," he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?""Frank!" Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it.""Kissed a couple of times," Percy said.Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping!”
— Rick Riordan,
“Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?”“In this case, it’s a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up.”
— Jeaniene Frost,
“Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.”
— Peyton Manning
“You're insane!" she shouted."Pretty cool, huh?""No!"Tally yelled. "Why didn't you tell me it was broken?"Shay shrugged. "More fun that way?""More fun?" Her heart beating fast,her vision strangely clear. She was full of anger and relief and...joy."Well, kind of. But you suck!”
— Scott Westerfeld,
“Sam came around the side of the car and stopped dead when he saw me. “Oh my God, what is THAT?” I used my thumb and middle finger to flick the multicolored pom-pom on top of my head. “In my language, we call it a HAT. It keeps my ears warm.” “Oh my God,” Sam said again, and closed the distance between us. He cupped my face in his hands and studied me. “It’s horribly cute.” He kissed me, looked at the hat, and then he kissed me again. I vowed never to lose the pom-pom hat.”
— Maggie Stiefvater,
“She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.”
— Richelle Mead,
“Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies.”
— Claudia Gray,
“What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name”
— Cassandra Clare,
“Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers.”
— Moira Young,
“I have to return some videotapes”
— Bret Easton Ellis,
“However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are.”
— amy poehler,
“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.”
— Michelle Obama
“It just seems like overkill when you already have a dagger and I have superpowerful magic at my disposal.”“‘Superpowerful?’”He stood up, a gold chain dangling from his fingers. “Let me remind you of two words, Mercer: Bad. Dog.”
— Rachel Hawkins,
“A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.”
— Lance Armstrong
“Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.”
— Laurell K. Hamilton,
“Aside from the obvious, Francesca, what do you want in return for supplying information?” Bones asked, getting back to the subject. “You to take me,” she replied at once. “Not gonna happen!” I spat, squeezing him possessively. Three sets of widened eyes fixed on me. That’s when I realized that what I had a firm grip on was no longer his hand.”
— Jeaniene Frost,
“Would you like me to grovel with gratitude for bringing me here, High Lord?""Ah. The Suriel told you nothing important, did it?"That smile of his sparked something bold in my chest. "He also said that you liked being brushed, and if I'm a clever girl, I might train you with treats."Tamlin tipped his head to the sky and roared with laughter. Despite myself, I let out a quiet laugh. "I might die of surprise," Lucien said behind me. "You made a joke, Feyre."I turned to look at him with a cool smile. "You don't want to know what the Suriel said about you." I flicked my brows up, and Lucien lifted his hands in defeat."I'd pay good money to hear what the Suriel thinks of Lucien," Tamlin said.A cork popped, followed by the sounds of Lucien chugging the bottle's contents and chuckling with a muttered, "Brushed.”
— Sarah J. Maas,
“I planted a kamikaze kiss on Jamie’s cheek.“FUCK,” he shouted, wiping it off. “What if you killed me!” He threw a Skittle at my face. It hit my forehead.“Ow!”“Taste the rainbow bitch.”
— Michelle Hodkin,
“You won't even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?""I've a knife in my boot," she said, and then wondered, for a moment, if she could throttle a moose with her bare hands.”
— Kristin Cashore,
“I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.”
— Ellen DeGeneres
“She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously.”
— Rick Riordan,
“She blinked. "Hmm? Oh, don't care. What did Anubis look like to you?""What did... he looked like a guy. So?""A good-looking guy, or a slobbering dog-headed guy?""I guess... Not the dog-headed guy.""I knew it!" Sadie pointed at me as if she'd won an argument."Good-looking. I knew it!"And with a ridiculous grin, she spun around and skipped into the house. My sister, as I may have mentioned, is a little strange.”
— Rick Riordan,
“My heart started racing, not the bad kind of heart racing, like I'm going to die. But the good kind of heart racing, like, Hello, can I help you with something? If not, please step aside because I'm about to kick the shit out of life.”
— Maria Semple,
“IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, HARRY!”
— J.K. Rowling,
“If you can't do anything about it, laugh like hell.”
— David Cook
“To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.”
— Gena Showalter,
“My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.”
— Ellen DeGeneres,
“I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.”
— Mark A. Cooper,
“Are you a female dog?""What?" Massie asked. "Why?""Because you are acting like a real bitch!”
— Lisi Harrison,
“The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.”
— John Green
“Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. (Nick)”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“Magnus raised his hands above his head and clapped once. The room flooded with light. "You see? You think that would be possible without magic? "Actually," replied Simon, "It is. If you watched infomercials you'd know that.”
— Cassandra Clare
“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.”
— George Carlin
“I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like.”
— Jess C Scott,
“I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.”
— Franklin D. Roosevelt
“If you're texting Magnus to say 'I think u r kewl' I'm going to kill you”
— Cassandra Clare,
“Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.”
— Ellen DeGeneres,
“Oh, there you are, Albus,' he said. 'You've been a very long time. Upset stomach?''No, I was merely reading the Muggle magazines,' said Dumbledore. 'I do love knitting patterns.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“You don't want him," she said to the pink-haired girl. "He has syphilis."The girls stared. "Syphilis?""Five percent of people in America have it," said Ty helpfully."I do not have syphilis," Mark said angrily. "There are no sexually transmitted diseases in Faerieland!""Sorry," Jules said. "You know how syphilis is. Attacks the brain.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“I didn't want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“I passed out from stress? That’s it?”“I believe the princess term is fainted,” said Thorne.”
— Marissa Meyer,
“Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed”
— Hiromu Arakawa,
“Interviewer: So. Tell me about your mother.Ezra: You're taping this, right?Interviewer: Audio only. Camera is faulty.Ezra: Okay, well for the benefit of the sight-impaired, I am now raising my… oh, dear… yes, it's my MIDDLE finger at Mr. Postgrad here.Interviewer: Mr. Mason...Ezra: Now I'm wiggling it.Interviewer: Terminating interview at 13:58 on 03/19/75.Ezra: Look at it wiggl--audio ends-”
— Amie Kaufman,
“Nice costume," he said. "Ditto. I can tell you put a lot of thought into yours."Amusement curled his mouth. "If you don't like it, I can take it off.”
— Becca Fitzpatrick,
“Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.”
— Criss Jami,
“I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me.”
— Andy Weir,
“Why don't Fjerdans let girls fight?""They don't want to fight.""How do you know? Have you ever asked one?""Fjerdan women are to be venerated, protected.""That's probably a wise policy.""It is?""Think how embarrassing it would be for you when you got trounced by a Fjerdan girl.”
— Leigh Bardugo,
“What is your advice to young writers?” “Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.”
— Charles Bukowski,
“My friend "M" says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can't smile, because your lips have rotted off.”
— Isaac Marion,
“Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god. ”
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo,
“Please, touch me, I pray.”
— Jess C Scott,
“The more you talk about it, rehash it, rethink it, cross analyze it, debate it, respond to it, get paranoid about it, compete with it, complain about it, immortalize it, cry over it, kick it, defame it, stalk it, gossip about it, pray over it, put it down or dissect its motives it continues to rot in your brain. It is dead. It is over. It is gone. It is done. It is time to bury it because it is smelling up your life and no one wants to be near your rotted corpse of memories and decaying attitude. Be the funeral director of your life and bury that thing!”
— Shannon L. Alder
“I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.”
— Dora J. Arod,
“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ”
— Wendell Johnson
“Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.”
— Jess C Scott,
“Juan gave Bones the most admiring look he’d bestowed on him yet. “You talked her into going without panties all these years? Madre de Dios, now that’s impressive. I could learn a great deal from you, amigo.”
— Jeaniene Frost,
“Simon whispered to me, “But is everything okay?”“No,” Tori said. “I kidnapped her and forced her to escape with me. I’ve been using her as a human shield against those guys with guns, and I was just about to strangle her and leave her body here to throw them off my trail. But then you showed up and foiled my evil plans. Lucky for you, though. You get to rescue poor little Chloe again and win her undying gratitude.”“Undying gratitude?” Simon looked at me. “Cool. Does that come with eternal servitude? If so, I like my eggs sunnyside up.”I smiled. “I’ll remember that.”***“Oh, right. You must be starving.” Simon reached into his pockets. “I can offer one bruised apple and one brown banana. Convenience stores aren’t the place to buy fruit, as I keep telling someone.”“Better than these. For you, anyway, Simon.” Derek passed a bar to Tori.“Because you aren’t supposed to have those, are you?” I said. “Which reminds me…” I took out the insulin. “Derek said it’s your backup.”“So my dark secret is out.”“I didn’t know it was a secret.”“Not really. Just not something I advertise.”...“Backup?” Tori said. “You mean he didn’t need that?”“Apparently not,” I murmured.Simon looked from her to me, confused, then understanding. “You guys thought…”“That if you didn’t get your medicine in the next twenty-four hours, you’d be dead?” I said. “Not exactly, but close. You know, the old ‘upping the ante with a fatal disease that needs medication’ twist. Apparently, it still works.”“Kind of a letdown, then, huh?”“No kidding. Here we were, expecting to find you minutes from death. Look at you, not even gasping.”“All right, then. Emergency medical situation, take two.”He leaped to his feet, staggered, keeled over, then lifted his head weakly.“Chloe? Is that you?” He coughed. “Do you have my insulin?”I placed it in his outstretched hand.“You saved my life,” he said. “How can I ever repay you?”“Undying servitude sounds good. I like my eggs scrambled.”He held up a piece of fruit. “Would you settle for a bruised apple?”I laughed.”
— Kelley Armstrong,
“Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers.”
— Tina Fey,
“Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.”
— Charlaine Harris,
“Oh, of course," said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“I didn't realize there was a ranking." I said. "Sadie frowned. "What do you mean?" "A ranking," I said. "You know, what's crazier than what." "Oh, sure there is," Sadie said. She sat back in her chair. "First you have your generic depressives. They're a dime a dozen and usually pretty boring. Then you've got the bulimics and the anorexics. They're slightly more interesting, although usually they're just girls with nothing better to do. Then you start getting into the good stuff: the arsonists, the schizophrenics, the manic-depressives. You can never quite tell what those will do. And then you've got the junkies. They're completely tragic, because chances are they're just going to go right back on the stuff when they're out of here." "So junkies are at the top of the crazy chain," I said. Sadie shook her head. "Uh-uh," she said. "Suicides are." I looked at her. "Why?" "Anyone can be crazy," she answered. "That's usually just because there's something screwed up in your wiring, you know? But suicide is a whole different thing. I mean, how much do you have to hate yourself to want to just wipe yourself out?”
— Michael Thomas Ford
“If we're mad, we're mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.”
— Shannon Hale,
“If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder. ”
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo,
“The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.”
— Cervantes Saavedra
“Thine face is not worth sunburning.”
— William Shakespeare,
“One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.”
— Laurell K. Hamilton,
“Jackass, jackass on the wall, where's the info on Hex Hall?”
— Rachel Hawkins,
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
— Will Rogers
“I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.”
— Demetri Martin
“Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.”
— erica jong
“Of course you know, this means war.”
— Joe Adamson,
“I mean, we're ninjas.""Well maybe you're a ninja," I said"You're just a really loud, awkward ninja," Margo said, "but we are both ninjas.”
— John Green,
“I'm not leaving, Kitten. You're going to do this."My mouth opened as did the door behind us. Stomach dropping, I turned to see Mom standing there in all her fuzzy-bunny pajama glory. Oh, for the love of God.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!”
— Rick Riordan,
“What's that?" he asked, when I stood beside him again."Halos," I said with a grin. "For heavenly creatures like us.""That might be a stretch.”
— Richelle mead,
“That's your truck parked up by the factory isn't it?" Magnus pointed. "It's awfully butch for a bookseller.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“Will suspected Jem was in fact cleverer than he was himself - but he lacked Will's tendency to assume the absolute worst about people and proceed from there.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“I tell you, I'm half tempted to break into CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon out of CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon.”
— Ally Carter,
“Lucas: I wanted to talk to you after class, but you disappeared.Me: I have another class right after. One of those profs who stops talking, stares at you and waits until you get to your seat if you're late.Lucas: I would probably just walk to my seat even slower. ;)”
— Tammara Webber,
“I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.”
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo,
“My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.”
— Dora J. Arod,
“She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.”
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo,
“If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal. ”
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo,
“Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.The Doctor: Believe me... It was an accident.”
— Steven Moffat
“Honestly, as much as I love my brother, I’m not sure how I feel about him hanging out in your bedroom.” He reached out with a muscular arm and used his fingers to brush a few strands of hair off my cheek, tucking them behind my ear. I shivered, and he smiled. “I feel like I need to mark my territory.” “Shut up.” “Oh, I love it when you get all bossy-pants. It’s sexy.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,