Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in your family, or your adoption as a child.”
— Weston Locher,
“Don't open the door to strangers," said her dad. "Unless they're selling something. Then open the door and see if I'd like it. If I'd like it, buy it for me. But nothing cheap. I have standards. Nothing too expensive, either. My standards aren't that high.”
— Derek Landy,
“Radical Edwards's profile? He's a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script”
— Keiko Nobumoto
“Leggo my Eggo!”
— Kellogg
“Every cell of my body says, ‘Oh god yes! Crime? I can do some crime!’ I want this ship like I’ve never wanted anything in my life. I had a poster of the first-ever Breakbolt model on my bedroom wall when I was nine. It’s like a manifestation of every dream I’ve ever had, everything I’ve ever wanted for myself: a piloting license, a beautiful ship under me, and stars out the viewport. Child Nax says, ‘Do it, do the crime!”
— M.K. England,
“STYLE IS NOT HOW YOU WRITE IT IS HOW YOUDO NOT WRITE LIKE ANYONE ELSE”
— Charles Ghigna,
“Which college?''Hmm?''Which college do you go to?'Fletcher nodded. 'Yes.''I'm sorry?''Oh,' Fletcher said, and laughed.Valkyrie's parents looked at Fletcher in near bewilderment. Fletcher looked back at them in total bewilderment. Valkyrie shook her head.”
— Derek Landy,
“Your father...isn't good with emotions.” “Yeah. Figured that out a while ago.” Like, when I was four and cried because our family cat died and he offered to have it stuffed as a means to make me feel better. It didn't.”
— Lindy Zart,
“If we were not impressed by job titles, suits, and jargon, we would demand that financial advisors show us their personal bank statements before they tell us what we could or should do with our own money.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“I won't say that you're pretty because that dog already did. And I won't say you're funny because you have had me laughing since I met you.”
— Melissa Landers,
“Let me get this straight. I can't take the vampire with me because if I remove the stake, he can kill us all. Now I can't take the girl because she's what? some kind of ninja witch?”
— Tate Hallaway,
“Are imperfections is which make we grate.”
— Craig Benzine
“Have you guys ever thought about the fact that socks are like the donut holes of underpants?”
— Travis McElroy
“Andrew affected innocence but the twitch at the corner of his mouth gave him away. Andrew gave up the farce a couple seconds later and laughed. "Guess she hit him one time too many. I warned her not to lay a hand on him, but she didn't listen to me. She got what was coming to her. Does that frighten you, Neil?" "My first memories are of people dying," Neil said. "I'm not afraid of you." "That's why you're so interesting," Andrew said. "How aggravating." He sounded amused, not annoyed, so Neil said, "I'll try to be more boring in the future." "How considerate.”
— Nora Sakavic,
“SWAT? For me?" Still trembling, one hand clung to the ambulance gurney, the other held a massive sterilised cotton wool wad under my nose."Tactical Support was busy. You got Dennis and Arlo," said Harry, speed-reading the papers he'd snatched from inside my jacket.Closest his hands had been to my chest in a long time."Which one broke my nose?""That'd be Dennis.”
— Morana Blue,
“My darling, you are indisposed! You must remain abed for the next eight months. Little Buford - ""I am NOT naming our child Buford...”
— Cassandra Clare,
“This is really good,” Donovan Caine said, attacking his third strawberry pancake. “You sound surprised,” I said. He shrugged. “I just didn’t think an assassin would be able to cook like this.” “Well, I do get lots of practice with knives. You could say I’m multitasking.” The detective froze, his fork halfway to his mouth. “I’m kidding. I enjoy cooking. It relaxes me.”
— jennifer estep,
“It was exciting to be off on a journey she had looked forward to for months. Oddly, the billowing diesel fumes of the airport did not smell like suffocating effluence, it assumed a peculiar pungent scent that morning, like the beginning of a new adventure, if an adventure could exude a fragrance.”
— E.A. Bucchianeri,
“I can only drive slowly.""That's all right.""And I can only do left turns."Rose ran downstairs, grabbed a road atlas, and ran triumphantly back up again. "Wales is left! Look! It's left all the way!”
— Hilary McKay,
“Kicking a police car? Really?' Caleb shrugged. 'Car offended me. It was sitting right where I wanted to stand. What would you do?”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon
“You couldn't be romantic if your life depended on it." "You know what's lucky? Most bad guys don't ask you to be romantic on command, so that probably won't matter.”
— Rachel Caine,
“And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.”
— George Carlin,
“Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don’t look awful this time.Me (Ilona): ...~A little later~Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*Kid 1: Hey, you’ve got to see these pies. *opening the stove*Kid 2: Wow. They are not ugly this time.Kid 1: I know, right?”
— Ilona Andrews
“Daemon laughed "I'm only at the service of one person in particular"My cheeks flamed as I scooted my chair over. "You are not servicing me in any way."He leaned in, closing my newly gained distance. "Not yet.""Oh, come on, Daemon I'm right here." Dee frowned. "You're about to make me lose my appetite.""Like that will ever happen." Lisa retorted with an eye roll.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“Do you ride?"She smiled, her fingers lightly sliding around his ear. "Not since I hit that barn"Zach’s hands paused on her flesh. "You hit a barn?" "I had to avoid the cow”
— Shelly Laurenston,
“Jackson asked, "Where'd the water come from in your house?""A pipe." Then he explained to Jackson, "Water travels in pipes.”
— Kresley Cole,
“What was worse, he couldn't tell her how much he thought he maybe might kinda sorta love her.”
— Gena Showalter,
“Stupid male ego.”
— Tera Lynn Childs,
“She hated Mr. Meanie. But she'd gotten to know him and they'd reached an understanding of sorts. Now she was to have him for supper."Don't tell me you're feeling guilty?"Breaking off a piece of the wing, she brought it to her lips and took a bite. It did taste good. Very good."I wonder if all grouchy males are this palatable."Drew choked.She looked up, tilting her head. "Are you all right?"He turned a dull red. "Eat your supper, Connie.”
— Deeanne Gist,
“I don't believe in failure. I'm perseverant - I believe in failing.”
— Bauvard,
“She stretched, pulling out her earbuds, which apparently in Lykae was code for 'Interogate me,' because the questions, they came a-calling.”
— Kresley Cole,
“Manners, boy. I'll beat them into you if I have to.”
— Lori Foster,
“Let me get you all some punch,” I said.“You're leaving us?” said Isabel, sounding panicky.“I'll be right back,” I promised. “If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.”
— Kenneth Oppel,
“If Duncan was ever into men then he's been so far in the closet he's been living in Narnia.”
— Dana Marie Bell,
“Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.”
— Bauvard,
“Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let's just say if I'm ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I'm covered.”
— Molly Harper,
“He wasn't aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn't smile he didn't look amiable”
— Emma Goldrick
“Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet...Ew, did you...?""Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless.”
— Molly Harper,
“Why not? If you're not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends.""You're a twisted little man.""Come on, Stretch, share with the class.""No!" I laughed."Prude.""Perv.""Schoolmarm.""Some other word that essentially means perv.”
— Molly Harper,
“Don't worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone.""If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great comfort to me, thanks.”
— Molly Harper,
“Where do you find a stomach on a Thursday afternoon in Reno? "Chinatown?" suggests someone. "Costco?" "Butcher Boys." Tracy pulls his phone from a pocket. "Hello, I'm from the university" - the catchall preamble for unorthodox inquiries.”
— Mary Roach,
“I angle my head down and peer up at him through my lashes in what I hope is an alluring manner. I have zero experience in this area though, so it’s possible I look like a total moron.”
— Rachel  Morgan,
“Pritkin, it’s a hotel room, not a death trap!” A glance over his shoulder showed him impatient blue eyes under a fall of messy blond curls. “Anyway, you’re here.”“I can’t protect you from everything,” he forced himself to say, because it was true. It was also frankly terrifying in a way that his own mortality was not. He’d never had children, but he sometimes wondered if this was how parents felt when catching sight of a fearless toddler confidently heading toward a busy street. Not that his charge was a child, as he was all too uncomfortably aware. But the knowledge of just how many potentially lethal pitfalls lay in her path sometimes caused him that same heart-clenching terror.And the same overwhelming need to throw her over his lap and spank the living daylights out of her, he thought grimly, when she suddenly popped out of existence. “Cassie!”
— Karen Chance,
“Ava said her hand accidentally slipped and made contact with her guy's nose. I said Repeatedly? And she said, 'Uh, yeah. I'm really clumsy.”
— Gena Showalter,
“What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.”
— Carroll Bryant
“David tells me that fairies never say 'We feel happy': what they say is, 'We feel dancey'.”
— J.M. Barrie,
“I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.”
— Bauvard,
“Oh! That was poetry!" said Pippin. "Do you really mean to start before the break of day?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien,
“I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence.”
— Patrick deWitt,
“So what's your team called?" asked Kate, twisting her legs into a pretzel-like configuration, "We're called the Winmates because we're inmates who win." Kate looked back and forth at Reynie and Constance, searching their expression for signs of delight. "You gave yourselves a name?" asked Constance. Now it was Kate's turn to be baffled. "You didn't? How can you have a team without a name?”
— Trenton Lee Stewart,
“Otulissa swelled up to twice her normal size. 'Well, SPRINK ON YOUR SPRONK!”
— Kathryn Lasky,
“Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.”
— Bauvard,
“I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.”
— Bauvard,
“Fuck," Ranger said.Ranger didn't often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was now midly inconvenienced. He put his Bates boot to the door and the door popped open..”
— Janet Evanovich,
“Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you.”
— Terry Pratchett
“All of a sudden Yutaka realized he had created a cloud of dust all around him.  Oh no! No! This sucks. This blows more than your mama! Hey, now's not the time to come up with stupid jokes!”
— Koushun Takami,
“I want you to know, chickens aren’t sexy. Not to me.”This was met with silence.“Are you there?” She was slurring her words now, which was embarrassing, so she took a deep breath. “Cam? Can you hear me?”“Yes, chickens aren’t sexy. Uh…I don’t think they’re meant to be.”
— Jill Shalvis,
“Honest to God, she was the noisiest woman he'd ever been shot at with.”
— Jill Shalvis,
“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”
— Steven Wright
“A woman’s magazine quiz:Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, “Was it good for you?”You:a. Say, “God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life”b. Say, “Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man.”c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, “That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished”
— Christopher Moore,
“We look forward to seeing all of your Vaseline coated smiles terribly soon.”
— Gitty Daneshvari,
“If ye canna see the bright side o' life, polish the dull side”
— Christina Dodd,
“And I like a good horror story as much as the next person  so long as they kill off some men too and not just girls. But the voices Joan heard were real. There’s clear and substantiated proof they were real. She won battles that would otherwise have been lost because of what those voices told her in advance of them allowing the French generals to strategize in ways completely different than they did before Joan came along. People’s lives were saved because of what those voices told her.”
— Meg Cabot,
“If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.”
— Bauvard,
“I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.”
— Bauvard,
“Nothing says "deeply in mourning" like canapés and free beer.”
— Mira Grant,
“I hated meatloaf. It was like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. So I told Mom because I was honest that way. I sat back, squared my shoulders, and met her eyes, all confident-like."Mom, meatloaf's like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. It should be outlawed, frankly, and serving it for dinner is like child abuse and should carry with it some pretty stiff penalties.”
— Hayden Thorne,
“Crystal ball and candle light, I want your dance tonight. Show me the power of love as we stand together in the middle of the night.”
— Santosh Kalwar
“He bursts into tears, and not some manlike tears either, where you pretend you're brushing something off your face and, incidentally, wipe a tear. Nope. He starts bawling like a kid who spilled his Slushie...”
— Alex Flinn,
“Adam's hot Pheebs! Admit it girl. That body is like some kind of happy experiment. It's like he was manufactured in a nympho scientist's secret laboratory”
— Daniel Waters,
“What sort of look are you going for?” Damn, how did he answer this? “Something…normal,” he finally said.”
— Toni Blake,
“Just leave me alone, I want to be alone,” she said when Jack tried to open the car door. She hit the lock, and wound the window up. Since the roof was down, it was a fairly pointless exercise.”
— Sarah Mayberry,
“I think you inhaled too much lead from those scantron sheets”
— Simon Holt,
“Let me just say it out loud so we can laugh together: You're going to find Johnny Depp, take him back to Vahalal, and put him in a zoo?”
— Gary Ghislain,
“It was safe to assume he'd not only read the play but then re-read it, cross-referenced the annotations, and probably joined an online chat group called Buds of the Bard or something equally nerdy”
— Simon Holt,
“The Princess BrideS. Morgenstern'sClassic Tale of True Loveand High AdventureYou had to admire a guy who called his own new book a classic before it was published and anyone had a chance to read it.”
— William Goldman,
“Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.”
— Criss Jami,
“A true friend doesn't have guts; they beat you up and later plead with you to beat them back.”
— Michael Bassey Johnson
“The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories— and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.”
— Mark Twain,
“If there's a sexier sound on this planet than the person you're in love with cooing over the crepes you made for him, I don't know what it is.”
— Julie Powell,
“I will not stand here to be insulted by you, hedgepig," Mangiz fumed."Then stand somewhere else and I'll insult you there, featherbag!!”
— Brian Jacques,
“The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset by such events.”
— Gian-Carlo Rota,
“Hi's nose was pressed to his window. “I've changed my mind, Tory. This is the perfect place to hold someone prisoner. I'm keeping this on file.”
— Kathy Reichs,
“Just curious,she mouthed."What? I didn't catch that."Jjuussttccuurriioouuss.She drew it out this time, hoping he'd be able to read her lips."If you spoke out loud," he drawled, "I might understand what you're saying."Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless'flat than the floor."Owww!" he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn't mean it."If you think I can understand that," he growled, "you're crazier than I'd originally thought.”
— Julia Quinn,
“Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there's nothing sensible you can do with it.”
— Andrew Smith
“Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed with scientific fact taken from documentary films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop.”
— Weston Locher,
“Far be it from me to slow down two badass supermodels on a mission, but we have a problem," a male voice said wryly.I could see Christian out of the corner of my eye as we turned, his stance and movements almost synchronized to my own. We shared a look, our expressions almost identically similar, wit arched brows and half-smiles."What's the problem?" I called out, scanning the faces to see who had spoken."You're a badass supermodel," Christian muttered under his breath at the same time, taking the mature approach, as usual.”
— Rebecca K. Lilley,
“So you’ll have to wait for approval from your grandchildren.” “I wonder what our grandchildren will be like!” “Are you suggesting by that ‘our’ that you and I will have mutual grandchildren? Fie, Mrs. Kennedy!”
— Margaret Mitchell
“Unless philosophy can make a Juliet,Displant a town, reverse a prince’s doom,It helps not, it prevails not.”
— William Shakespeare,
“We have all been empowered by the web: everyone with a keyboard can now effectively broadcast to a national audience. In a sense, it puts each of us on the same footing as the major media conglomerates, except for AOL, who now apparently own all our thoughts and teeth.”
— John Hodgman
“You might be the scariest girl I've ever met," he told her."Let's not be dramatic," she said drily. "I'm the only girl you can remember ever meeting.”
— Sherry Thomas,
“There was a tiny box left on the table by the window- a box the Mor lifted, squinted and the name tag, and said, "Az, this one's for you."The shadowsinger's brows lifted, but his scarred hand extended to take the present.Elain turned from where she'd been speaking to Nesta. "Oh, that's from me."Azriel's face didn't so much as shift at the words. Not even a smile as he opened the present and revealed-"I had Madja make it for me," Elain explained. Azreil's brows narrowed at the mention of the family's preferred healer. "It's a powder to mix in with any drink."Silence.Elain bit her lip and then smiled sheepishly. "It's for the headaches everyone always gives you. Since you rub your temples so often."Silence again.Then Azriel tipped his head back and laughted.”
— Sarah J. Maas,
“She'd been in labor for nineteen hours; I completely understood why she wanted to pass the buck. 'You are so beautiful,' her husband crooned, holding up her shoulders.'You are so full of shit,' Lila snarled, but as a contraction settled over her like a net, she bore down and pushed.”
— Jodi Picoult,
“Playboy stretched his arm, patting Carlos on the back. "Well, you know what they say: If you love someone, let'em go. If they don't come back, hunt'em down and kill'em! ”
— Alex Sanchez,
“He laughed and was about to retort when she grabbed his collar and pulled him into her. She clamped her lips around his mouth and mashed her face into his. He took a step back in surprise and she went with him, stepping in a patch of wet floor. Her legs went out from under her and flailed as she fell, whacking him in the throat on the way down. She looked up at him as he gagged and coughed, and from across the corridor she could hear Tanith laughing hysterically. "I think I need practice," Valkyrie muttered.”
— Derek Landy,
“The doorbell rang, making me and Roland jump. Nikolas opened the door to admit Chris whose good-natured smile did not falter even when he saw our grim faces. Then he saw Remy. I didn’t think I had ever seen someone’s eyes go that round before. Roland shoved a glass of Nate’s whiskey into Chris’s hand while Nikolas brought him up to speed on all he had missed.”
— Karen  Lynch,
“This shit is what would happen if the devil fell asleep in Santa's sleigh and had a wet dream while Rudolf licked his ass to the beat of a choir singing Amazing Grace.”
— Ashleyjo
“Mama, Ollie taught me how to play ‘Let It Go’ on guitar,” Crista piped up in a muffled voice as she pulled her pajama shirt over her head. Aunt Linda shot me a look that was half sheer terror, half witch hunt. The face of someone at peak Frozen saturation. I didn’t, I swear, I mouthed, making chopping motions by my neck.”
— Sophie Gonzales,
“Usually the thought process for a seventeen-year-old boy went girl touching me > omg > boner.”
— Leah Raeder,
“It was a monumental achievement that the serpentine tc'a had once upon a time gotten the knnn to understand the concept of trade: so nowadays knnn simply contacted a station, rushed onto its methane-dock and deposited whatever they liked, grabbed whatever they wanted and left. This was an improvement over their former behavior, in which they simply looted and left.”
— C.J. Cherryh,
“The real purpose of the opposition is to minimize the amount of money the ruling party will have stolen from the people at the end of its term.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“He nodded.""He kind-of-halfway-sort-of-nodded-but-it-might-have-been-a-random-twitch.”
— Brandon Sanderson,
“I reach up and pat them both on the head. "Poor things. If you had a boy that looked like Logan, you'd be kissing him every chance you had, too.”
— C.J. Redwine,
“Clearly in textbook terms, the gentleman should text the lady first after intercourse, but perhaps the whole socio-etiquettical system breaks down when an insect plague is involved.”
— Helen Fielding,
“The door buzzer sounded again. The two boys exchanged a single look before both bolting down the narrow hallway to the door. Jordan got there first. He grabbed for the coatrack that stood by the door, ripped the coats off it, and flung the door wide, the rack held aboe his head like a javelin. On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. "Is that a coatrack?"Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. "If you'd been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful.""Yes," said Jace. "Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“Haiku sounds like I'mSaying hi to someone namedKu. Hi, Ku. Hello.”
— Ellen DeGeneres,
“Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.”
— Ellen Degeneres