Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“You could still be lying,” says the Roach. He turns to Cardan. “Try her.”“Your pardon?” Cardan says, drawing himself up, and the Roach seems to suddenly remember to whom he’s speaking in such an offhanded way.“Don’t be such a prickly rose, Your Majesty,” the Roach says with a shrug and a grin. “I’m not giving you an order. I’m suggesting that if you tried to glamour Jude, we could find out the truth.”Cardan sighs and walks toward me. I know this is necessary. I know that he doesn’t intend to hurt me. I know he can’t glamour me. And yet I draw back automatically.“Jude?” he asks.“Go ahead,” I say.I hear the glamour enter his voice, heady and seductive and more powerful than I expected. “Crawl to me,” he says with a grin. Embarrassment pinks my cheeks.I stay where I am, looking at all their faces. “Satisfied?”The Bomb nods. “You’re not charmed.”
— Holly Black,
“I like stepping into the future. Therefore, I look for doorknobs.”
— Mark Rosen
“If you want me obedient, prince, kill me and carry my corpse.”
— Hafsah Faizal,
“CONFESSION NO. 18 Girls just want to have fun…and live to tell about it the next day.”
— Ronda Thompson,
“And the last thought he had that morning as he closed his eyes was: I hope the tornado hit the moose.”
— Gary Paulsen,
“Hence, why Tudeski is only my pen name (stage name – made up name) and I don't use my real surname when I write anything any longer. Clever of me, right? No, not really, my real surname got fucked over by critics long before I actually found out an author could use a pretend name – I just believe it's Tudeski's turn to take some of this shit now!”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. "Put your clothes in for a wash," he said. "They were disgusting."Ginny always thought that the only way of getting clothes clean was by drowning them in scalding water and then whipping them around in a violent centrifugal motion that caused the entire washing machine to vibrate and the floor to shake. You beat them clean. You made them suffer. This machine used about half a cup of water and was about as violent as a toaster, plus it stopped every few minutes, as if it were exhausted from the effort of turning itself.Sluff, sluff, sluff sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest.Click.Sluff, sluff, sluff, sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest."Who thought to put a window on a washing machine?" Keith asked. "Does anyone just sit and watch their wash?"You mean, besides us?""Well," he said, "yeah. Is there any coffee?”
— Maureen Johnson,
“Jase turned his head to me, brows raised. “If I liked guys—you know, swung that way, I’d get naked after that.”I blinked. Um.“And I’d put a ring on that,” Cam added, moving to where Avery sat.”
— J. Lynn,
“S'mimasen," Alyss said repeatedly as they brushed against passerby. "What does that mean?" Will asked as they reached a stretch of street bare of any other pedestrians. He was impressed by Alyss's grasp of the local language. "It means 'pardon me,'" Alyss replied, but then a shadow of doubt crossed her face. "At least, I hope it does. Maybe I'm saying 'you have the manners of a fat, rancid sow.”
— John Flanagan,
“Just another part of that Spartan killer instinct. I can slay the ladies just as well as I can reapers.”
— Jennifer Estep,
“I’m sorry I ever asked you guys to be friends. You don’t have to be friends. You don’t even have to like each other. Forget I said anything.”Warner drops his crossed arms.Kenji raises his eyebrows.“I promise,” I say. “No more forced hangout sessions. No more spending time alone without me. Okay?”“You swear?” Kenji says.“I swear.”“Thank God,” Warner says.“Same, bro. Same.”And I roll my eyes, irritated. This is the first thing they’ve managed to agree on in over a week: their mutual hatred of my hopes for their friendship.”
— Tahereh Mafi,
“When Eve ate the apple her knowledge increased. But God liked dumb women so Paradise ceased. Gwen Goodnight. Her Work.”
— Jennifer Crusie,
“I pointed to a low bowl filled with what purported to be stew, but then Noah said, “Are you goingto point, or are you going to eat?”“I just like to know what I’m putting in my mouth before I swallow.”Noah arched an eyebrow, and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.”
— Michelle Hodkin,
“I think so,” she [Claire] said. “Just watch your back, okay?” “Nah, Michael’s got mine.” He [Shane] looked straight into her eyes.“I’ve got yours.”
— Rachel Caine,
“I laughed. It was just like Owen to make excuses for someone else’s shortcomings. Even fictional characters. Owen found my tendency to speak my mind “refreshingly honest,” and hailed Marc’s temper as “a deep protective instinct.” He said Ethan “thoroughly enjoyed life,” and that Parker “really knew how to have a good time.” According to Owen, we were all doing just fine, and all was right with the world.”
— Rachel Vincent,
“Be careful, though.""Aren't I always?""No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless.”
— Veronica Roth,
“Halt regarded him. He loved Horace like a younger brother. Even like a second son, after Will. He admired his skill with a sword and his courage in battle. But sometimes, just sometimes, he felt an overwhelming desire to ram the young warrior's head against a convenient tree."You have no sense of drama or symbolism, do you?" he asked."Huh?" replied Horace, not quite understanding. Halt looked around for a convenient tree. Luckily for Horace, there were none in sight.”
— John Flanagan,
“I'm a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit!”
— Sharon Swan
“Marry me. Nay, marriage will cost us precious moments together. Let us make sweet, passionate love right here. Let me bear your children.”A primal growl signaled Miss Lynn getting over her shock at being thus addressed. She lunged forward; Jack deftly rolled off the bench, jumping up out of her reach.“Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me?”
— Kiersten White,
“It is easier to tell a person what life is not, rather than to tell them what it is. A child understands weeds that grow from lack of attention, in a garden. However, it is hard to explain the wild flowers that one gardener calls weeds, and another considers beautiful ground cover.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“I just thought of a great theory that explains everything. When I went to that party, I was abducted by aliens. They have created a fake Earth and fake high school to study me and my reactions. This certainly explains cafeteria food.”
— Laurie Halse Anderson,
“I wonder if my entire life will be a series of moments in which I realize I’m an idiot long after I can actually do anything about it. Will I ever feel like I know what I’m doing?”
— Sabaa Tahir,
“WHAT DO WE WANT?! PATIENCE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! NOW!”
— Al Franken
“You bitch!"Why is it that whenever I draw blood, I'm a bitch?”
— Rachel Vincent,
“I walked to the door where Clovis waited. When I looked up, he was staring at Adam. A quick glance backward confirmed Adam was returning his stare. Freaking males, I thought, they couldn’t be more obvious about their territorial dispute if they’d both peed on me.”
— Jaye Wells,
“It's a good thing Jack was no longer in my hands, because I would've pulled a full-on Kylo Ren temper tantrum.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Careful with the accusations of insanity, oh my lady whose home is a tower with windows of brick, all for the sake of some skinny-ankled, laugh-prone boy of a khan.”
— Shannon Hale,
“Nothing is impossible to kill. It's just that sometimes after you kill something you have to keep shooting it until it stops moving”
— Mira Grant,
“I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead”
— Michael  Summers,
“I should go in alone," Valkyrie said, speaking loudly to be heard. "If we both go in, it'll look to official.""So I'll just stay out here?" Skulduggery asked. "But what'll I do? There's no one to talk to. It's boring.""You're standing on the roof of a train," Valkyrie pointed out. "If you find this boring, you really need your head examined. Just wait here. I'll do what has to be done and I'll be find out."Fine," he said, sounding grumpy. "Don't be long.”
— Derek Landy,
“Let every man shovel out his own snow, and the whole city will be passable," said Gamache. Seeing Beauvoir's puzzled expression he added, "Emerson.""Lake and Palmer?""Ralph and Waldo.”
— Louise Penny,
“I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.”
— Gary Larson
“A relationship is likely to last way longer, if each partner convinces or has convinced themselves that they do not deserve their partner, even if that is not true.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“There wasn't a lot of bullshit in my heaven.”
— Alice Sebold,
“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”
— Demetri Martin
“What kind of person doesn't let you have gummi bears?”
— Libba Bray,
“Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.”
— Dave Barry
“Hey, babe, can I sit here?” Elle turned her head and saw Nero standing there, holding a tray.　　Did he just really ask that, and did he just really call me ‘babe’?　　“Are you serious? Sit here?” Elle pointed to the chair beside her.　　“Yes, I was talking directly to you, wasn’t I?” Nero was definitely a smartass.　　“No, you clearly weren’t because my name isn’t ‘babe’. I bet you don’t even know my name. So, no, you cannot sit here, Nero.”
— Sarah Brianne,
“The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A Genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
— Joe Theismann
“Travis: I didn’t know they made permanent makeup. I looked like a clown for a month.Connor: Yeah. They put a curse on me so that no matter what I wore, my clothes were two sizes too small and I felt like a geek.Travis: You are a geek.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Here it comes," she said with an expression of pure bliss. "Drug rush ... any moment now ... the surge of warmth ... bye-bye, Mr. Pain...""Vee-""Knock, knock.""This is really important-""Knock, knock.""It's about Elliot-""Knock, knoooock," she said in a singsong voice. I sighed. "Who's there?""Boo.""Boo who?""Boo-hoo, somebody's crying, and it's not me!" She broke into hysterical laughter.”
— Becca Fitzpatrick,
“Whispers followed me down the hall. Ignoring them was harder than I´d imagined. Every Cell in my body demanded that I confront them. And do what? Jump on them like a crazy spider monkey and take them all out? Yah, not going to win me any fans.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“What do you want? Where's the goddamn ice I ordered? Where's the booze? There's a war on, man! People are being killed!”
— Hunter S. Thompson,
“He shrugged. “I have a stomach thing. Don’t get close.”“Well, now you’ve spoiled everything,” I said casually, working hard to fake it. “I was planning to seduce you in the broom closet.” I pointed. “Right there.”A joyless smile appeared on Jamie’s lips. “We are far too screwed-up for a goddamned lovetriangle.”That’s my Jamie.”
— Michelle Hodkin
“I had a dream about you last night. The best day of my life was when I taught you how to juggle, but the best day of yours was when you taught someone else.”
— Michael  Summers,
“A hundred people is rather a large handful for the four of us to take on," Malcolm pointed out. "Do you have any ideas about how we're going to handle that task?""Simple," Halt told him. "We'll surround them.”
— John Flanagan,
“I only snatched him to get your attention,” I said. “Now that I’ve got it, this is what I want.”“Damn my dame!” Al shouted, hands raised to the ceiling. “I knew it! Not another list!”
— Kim Harrison,
“The funny thing about the heart is a soft heart is a strong heart, and a hard heart is a weak heart.”
— Criss Jami,
“And you look beautiful," she added."I look like a cake.""But a beautiful cake.”
— Andrea Cremer,
“She already had a headache-she didn't want to add 'get tortured' to today's to-do list.”
— C.C. Hunter,
“Mr. Right is coming, but he's in Africa and he's walking.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.”
— Stephen Colbert
“He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.”
— David Frost
“One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.”
— Victor Borge
“I later discovered that in order to be a good athlete one must care intensely what is happening with a ball, even if one doesn't have possession of it. This was ultimately my failure: my inability to work up a passion for the location of balls.”
— Haven Kimmel,
“The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge.”
— David Sedaris,
“My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn.""She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action."-Ranger and Stephanie”
— Janet Evanovich,
“Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain”
— Jon Stewart
“Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn't been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn't take the chance that a wild animal might wander in and make off with Alice, like those dingoes in Australia. She was probably being unfair to both dingoes and Australia, but she couldn't risk it. Locked doors kept the dingoes out, and that's all there was to it, even if she didn't know what a dingo actually was. She took out her phone, searched the Internet, found a picture of a baby dingo and now she really wanted a baby dingo for a pet.”
— Derek Landy,
“I smack myself in the forehead. “Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods, they’re not moving!” I exclaim. There’s a choking noise over my head somewhere. “Etruscan snoods?” I glow quietly inside. Some accomplishments mean more than others. I am officially the Shit. Now and forever. “Dude, watch your question marks. I just pried one out of you.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “Admit it, you lost your eternal fecking composure.” “You have an obsession with a delusion about how I end my sentences. What the fuck are Etruscan snoods?” “Dunno. It’s just another of Robin’s sayings. Like, ‘Holy strawberries, Batman, we’re in a jam!’ ” “Strawberries.” “Or, ‘Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!’ ”
— Karen Marie Moning,
“My imagination is something of a badass.”
— DC Pierson,
“I'm going to take a shower," I said and prepared for the comment I knew was coming. "You know what they say, conserve water and shower with a friend.”
— Chelsea M. Cameron,
“I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.”
— Kinky Friedman
“He didn't want me to get hurt? Wow. Just wow. I might actually be close to a swoon here”
— Jessica Verday,
“[The American President] has to take all sorts of abuse from liars and demagogues.… The people can never understand why the President does not use his supposedly great power to make ’em behave. Well, all the President is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway.”
— Harry S. Truman
“I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.”
— Brian Helgeland,
“If they wanted their shit stirred, then stirred their shit was jolly well going to be.”
— Stephen Clarke,
“All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I've got to figure out how that happened.”
— Claudia Gray,
“Life is like butter - when things cool down it can be reshaped”
— Alan Sheinwald,
“I'M SCOTTISH!”
— Elizabeth Wein,
“Yes," he said. "I am sure. I double-checked everything after you went home yesterday. I even made a few improvements, just in case." The first part of that reassured her. The second part... not so much. "What kind of improvements?" "Oh, nothing, really. Mostly just streamlining. You really did very well; I certainly don't want you to think that I am one of those people who has to be in control all the- Oh, well, I suppose that's actually true- I do have to be in control all the time. But only because I am in charge, of course.”
— Rachel Caine,
“The Doctor: I've seen bigger.Clara: Really?The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!”
— Steven Moffat
“If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.”
— Bauvard,
“I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline.”
— Michael  Summers,
“I had a dream about you last night.. You were playing with chicken livers and told me everyone was in quarantine.”
— Amy Summers,
“Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have...undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out and left? No? It's because he doesn't care! He's in a room with a naked girl, he just won the lottery. I am so tired of saying no, waking up in the morning and recalling every single thing I ate the day before, counting every calorie I consumed so I know just how much self loathing to take into the shower. I'm going for it. I have no interest in being obese, I'm just through with the guilt. So this is what I'm going to do, I'm going to finish this pizza, and then we are going to go watch the soccer game, and tomorrow we are going to go on a little date and buy ourselves some bigger jeans.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert
“The queen's eyes smouldered. "I know my own kind when I see them, and right now there is one in these city walls." She pointed a finger toward the balcony."I want her found and brought to me.""Right," said Kai,"that'll be no problem in a city of two and a half million people. Let me just go dig out my special Lunar detector, and I'll get right on that.”
— Marissa Meyer,
“There were no windows in my bedroom, so I had to sit up and read my clock to figure out how angry I should be at my visitor. Eight A.M. I hated whoever woke me up. Had they come an hour earlier, I would have also hated their families and any household pets.”
— Lish McBride,
“Will sat where he was, gazing at the silver bowl in front of him; a white rose was floating in it, and he seemed prepared to stare at it until it went under. In the Kitchen Bridget was still singing one of her awful sad songs; the lyrics drifted in through the door: "Twas on an evening fair I went to take the air, I heard a maid making her moan; Said, 'Saw ye my father? Or ye my mother? Or saw ye my brother John? Or saw ye the lad that I love best, And his name it is Sweet William?" I may murder her, Tessa thought. Let her make a song about that.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“SHUT UP. Both of you. You're coming with me." To me he said, "Put some pants on.""Fuck you. This is my house. I make the rules. You take your clothes off. John, get the Twister mat.”
— David Wong,
“I'm way hot," he muttered. "But I don't feel sick. Just — way hot."Fang”
— James Patterson,
“After climbing off his bike, I smacked his shoulder. “Did you forget I was with you? Are you trying to get me killed?”“It’s hard to forget you’re behind me when your thighs are squeezing the life out of me.” A smirk came with his next thought. “I couldn’t think of a better way to die, actually.”“There is something very wrong with you.”
— Jamie McGuire,
“He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I'm just saying." - Warren”
— Brandon Mull
“You can’t enjoy art or books in a hurry.”
— E.A. Bucchianeri,
“He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.”
— Carroll Bryant
“Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.”
— Amit Kalantri,
“Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.”
— Darynda Jones,
“I hated that the soldier doll had my name. I mean, please. I didn't play with him much. He was another Christmas present from my clueless grandparents. One time when they were visiting, my grandpa asked me if G.I. Joe had been in any wars lately. I said, "No, but he and Ken got married last week." Every Christmas since then, my grandparents have sent me a check.”
— James Howe,
“Jake wasn't about to be seduced like some schoolgirl. Not by a man who went by the unlikely name of Tornado, not by anyone. He stood as firmly as he could in the mud and tore his mouth from the kiss, staring into too dark eyes. As his hands made their way into Tor's wet jeans he said, "This doesn't mean I like you, you know.”
— Chris Owen,
“Girls, on the other hand, have always come easy. I don't know why that is, exactly. Maybe it's the outsider vibe and a well-placed brooding look. Maybe it's something I think I see sometimes in the mirror, something that reminds me of my father. Or maybe I'm just damn easy on the eyes.”
— Kendare Blake,
“He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.”
— Darynda Jones,
“There are very few personal problems that can't be solved with a suitable application of high explosives.”
— Darynda Jones,
“Iggy. This is not a democracy," I said,(...)"It'sa Maxocracy.”
— James Patterson,
“1. You left a multipack of Mars Bars on top of your wardrobe. Can I have one? Dad x2. I had three. Hope that's OK. Dad x3. I'm just going to have one more. Dad x4. Harriet, your Dad's made himself sick on an entire multipack of Mars Bars again. Please don't leave sweets where we can find them. A x”
— Holly Smale,
“We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“His heavy-lidded gaze reflected a languor that had nothing to do with having just awakened, and there was no doubt what was on his mind. But this is no safe cherry picker, Gwen thought, growing more concerned by the moment.This man looks like a cherry tree chopper-downer.”
— Karen Marie Moning,
“Keefe shouted, "YOU GUYS HAVE TO SEE THIS!" They ran to the main room and found Keefe standing under the skylight, holding up Mr. Snuggles like it was a baby lion about to be made kind. The sparkly red dragon twinkled almost as much as Keefe's eyes as he said, "I went in to check on our boy and found him cuddling with this!”
— Shannon Messenger,
“...she's leaving now....Janis attacks the back door of the school gym and finds herself in a heavy cloud of smoke. She realizes she's found the Goths' hangout. Who knew?"Oof," someone says. She keeps walking, muttering, "sorry" to whomever it was she hit with the flying door.***Cabel: ... That was the Goth stage where I decided I'd never get the girl of my dreams because of my scars. Not to mention the hairstyle.(pause)But then she slammed a door handle into my gut. And, when a girl does that to a boy, it means she likes him.”
— Lisa McMann,