Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!' he screamed.'So that's Sara,' I said.'Yes.''She seems nice.”
— John Green,
“When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.”
— Nenia Campbell,
“I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was arrested for theft – I took away your dignity as a mannequin”
— Bauvard,
“We men had a meeting a long time ago, and we all decided, 'It's trousers'. And that's what we've worn ever since.”
— Lisa Kleypas,
“We sat on the floor for dinner. Ananya's father passed me a banana leaf. I wondered if i had to eat it or wipe my hands with it.”
— Chetan Bhagat,
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”
— Jeff Valdez
“SUBJECT: Real originalDear Dark Assholes,I get the point. Showing me that you know how to log onto a computer and utilize Google must’ve taken some pretty keen strategizing on your part.Really, really cool trick. Now leave me the hell alone.-The DL”
— S.L. Jennings,
“Would you like to sit?" Kellen asked her."You'd better do it soon," Owen whispered close to her ear, "or I'm going to bend you over that table and break the club's no-penetration-in-the-lounge rule.”
— Olivia Cunning,
“There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone's life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital's Christmas party.”
— Shannon Alder
“Back in medieval times, " I said, "we used oil of vitriol for its healing properties. No doubt that's why Commodus had some in his infirmary. Today we call it sulfuric acid."Meg flinched. "Isn't that dangerous?""Very.""And you *healed* with it?""It was the Middle Ages. We were crazy back then.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Often the inspiration to write music comes from the voices in your head. You’re not crazy. Just be thankful they are not making you rescue people in 20-degree weather at 2:30 in the morning in the forest.”
— Shannon Alder
“Time to do what he did best - plot dastardly acts.”
— Eoin Colfer,
“Chiron looked surprised. “I thought that would be obvious enough. The entrance to the Underworld is in Los Angeles.”
— Rick Riordan,
“And I wanted to put my fist through your pretty, pampered face." Galen"As I recall, you did. And then you kicked me in the ass and sent me sprawling, pampered face first, into a pile of horseshit." Styxx"And you said not a word about it to anyone. You got up, took your training sword, and faced me as if you landed in a bed of poppies. All the while, shit dripping down you."Galen”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“If he just wanted sex from her, everyone knew the fastest approach to that end was just to enquire bluntly if she was interested. She was either willing to kill some time, or she was too busy killing. ”
— Jane Cousins,
“This is not how people behave in a Cracker Barrel!”
— Molly Harper,
“Most girls take one look at you and swoon. You've never had to really work for someone's affection or put effort into maintaining it. In many ways, your natural gifts have done you a disservice-- they've stunted your sensitivity and charm! You've never had to develop insight into what will make a girl laugh and come to love you for reasons that aren't handsome or heroic. That's why smees are experts on the subtle arts of courtship and seduction; nothing comes easy to us, but we do understand and live by the Lover's Maxim.""And what on earth is the Lover's Maxim?" asked Maz, feeling very uninformed.The smee cleared his throat. "If you can't be handsome, be rich. If you can't be rich, be strong. If you cant be strong, be witty.""But what if you can't be witty?" Max wondered."Learn the guitar.”
— Henry H. Neff,
“Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.”
— Zack Love,
“If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, “You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now!”
— Leah Broadby,
“But you would think, wouldn't you, that getting hit forty-five times in the neck with a blunt axe would qualify you to join the Headless Hunt? - Sir Nicholas de Mimsy”
— J.K. Rowling,
“I'm sorry. So sorry. Don't mean to interrupt. It's just...are you for fucking serious?”
— Emma   Mills,
“I hate it when people say 'follow your heart.' That is not a morally sufficient reason for stalking.”
— Karl Kristian Flores,
“Seriously, so many times I've heard women talk about fast men unsatisfying them in the bedroom because they ejaculate too quickly, yet it seems now, if you don't ejaculate quick enough, then they will feel insecure about it instead. I don't get it - Too quick, you're rubbish, yet too long, then you're making them feel bad.”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we've become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?”
— Derek Landy
“It was a Wednesday, I think. Yes, a Wednesday, that miserable day sandwiched between the dreadful Monday and Tuesday and the 'all right' Thursday and Friday, which ultimately gave way to what I hoped woud be a glorious weekend.”
— Gauri Jhangiani,
“El Paso,” Andrej echoed slowly. “You do know there’s nothing in El Paso but dust, heat, and illegal aliens, right?”
— J. Fally,
“At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I can say that crying, for a variety of reasons, has made me a better person, a happier and more fully realized person, in ways that nothing else has.”
— Keah Brown,
“Thank you for helping my sister,” he says.I lean forward, mimicking his position. “I’m happy to.”Calliope leans out her window. “STOP FLIRTING AND GET BACK TO WORK.”
— Stephanie Perkins,
“The Prince of Hell shrugged. 'Shit Happens”
— Jana Oliver,
“Arjuro made a scoffing sound. ‘You think Lumatere will invade because of you? Are you that important?’Froi looked away. ‘Isaboe would invade if you kidnapped a servant, let alone a friend.’‘Isaboe? We’re on first-name terms with the Queen of Lumatere, are we?’ Gargarin asked.Froi found himself bristling. ‘What? Do you think I’m some cutthroat for hire who they found hanging around the palace walls with the words “I wantto kill a Charynite King” tattooed on my arse?”
— Melina Marchetta,
“To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.”
— Criss Jami,
“Civilization begins with distillation”
— William Faulkner
“-What's so funny?""-Sorry," David said, reddening again. "You just taste so sweet.""-What do you mean, sweet?"He licked his bottom lip one more time."-You taste like honey.""-Honey?""-Yeah, I thought I was going nuts the day...well, you know, that one day. But it was the same today. Your mouth is really sweet."He paused for a second, then grinned."-Hot like honey-like nectar. That makes more sense.""-Great. Now I'm going to have to explain that to everyone I kiss for the rest of my life unless it's you or another faerie." She'd almost said Tamani's name. Her fingers flew to the ring around her neck.David shrugged."-Then don't kiss anyone except me.""-David...""-I'm just offering up the obvious solution," he said, hands up in protest.”
— Aprilynne Pike,
“She smiled smugly. “We came to an agreement, the duck and I.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“With a philosophy education, one can infuriate his peers, intimidate his date, think of obscure, unreliable ways to make money, and never regret a thing.”
— Criss Jami,
“What happened?" he asked brusquely, interrupting me. "What do you mean, what happened?""I sensed your fear, heard you call out my name.""I...no, I didn't." ﻿Stone Wall, ﻿﻿I told myself. Great Wall of China, around my thoughts."The Great Wall of China isn't going to do it, Violet. Come on, tell me what happened.”
— Kristi Cook,
“I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one.”
— Criss Jami,
“Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles”
— Sarah Phillips
“What about you? What do you do?” I needed to ask questions, draw him out. I needed to find out all the information I could. My voice sounded strong and smooth, but my hands were shaking. I put them in my lap so he couldn’t see.“I prey on innocent villagers and terrify their children,” he said with a nasty smile. “And sometimes when I’m feeling really evil, I read books or paint.”
— Kate Avery Ellison,
“Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you!Garfield: Feed me.”
— Jim Davis
“Great," Shane said. "Look i'd rather not be on janitorial duty. I have allergies to cleaners.""And to cleaning," Michael said."Look who's talking, Didn't the do one of those Animal Planet documentaries about the roaches in your room?”
— Rachel Caine  Black Dawn
“What the dev— er, deuce did you do that for? It hurt!”“Good,” said the angel. “I was afraid these new shoes would not be sturdy enough.”
— Anne Gracie,
“Cheese runners shouted at it, tried to grab it, and flailed at it with sticks, but the piratical cheese scythed onward, reaching the bottom just ahead of the terrible carnage of men and cheeses as they piled up. Then it rolled back to the top and sat there demurely while still gently vibrating.At the bottom of the slope, fights were breaking out among the cheese jockeys who were still capable of punching somebody, and since everybody was watching that, Tiffany took the opportunity to snatch up Horace and shove him in her bag. After all, he was hers. Well, that was to say she had made him, although something odd must have gone into the mix since Horace was the only cheese that would eat mice and, if you didn't nail him down, other cheeses as well.”
— Terry Pratchett,
“We're in a psuedoscientific technobabble.”
— Jasper Fforde,
“I said, I ain't buyin' no chocolate covered cherries." "Oh, come on. You know you want to."D shook his head like Jack was just too much to be believed. "I do not either want to, and them candies makes me think of my grandmother, so it's real fuckin' weird that you turned 'em inta some kinda sex fantasy, okay? 'Cause then I get all mixed up in my head where I'm in my grandma's livin' room makin' Play-Doh french fries while you suck my dick and that's just ten kinds of wrong. Even I ain't that fucked up."Jack laughed. "Not yet you aren't." He looked at D's face, smiling with him.”
— Jane Seville,
“I Take Life Very Seriously: One Joke At A Time.”
— Sandra Chami Kassis
“Jokes are many things. 'Funny' is only one of them.”
— Melinda Chapman
“With the Book hitching rides, hiding on people, guess we’re all going to be dressing like skanks for a while, huh? Skintight or skin. Dude, everybody’s everything’s gonna be hanging out, and some o’ those fat chicks at the abbey are gonna gross my eyeballs right outta my head. Muffin tops and camel toes, gah!”
— Karen Marie Moning,
“It’s funny how much easier it is to see others’ shortcomings and give advice when you’re not personally involved, for it’s almost impossible to see the light when you’re swimming in shit.”
— Isabel  Lopez,
“Really, it's amazing. You are his other half, Alexandria, You are fated to be with him. You belong to him."It felt like something sat heavy on my chest. "Oh.Oh.No."Seth frowned at me. "You don't have to sound so disgusted.”
— Jennifer Armintrout
“Your big scary husband is crying.”
— Robyn Carr,
“Maggie wasn't without her concerns, though. "What if he's crazy?""Yeah, that's a definite possibility," he agreed."What if he's not your type?""Then we'll only hook up in dark places.”
— Con Riley,
“Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk.”
— Anna White,
“You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It’s certainly safer than keeping it in the bank!”
— Nicole McKay,
“WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire.”
— Harriet Evans,
“We weren't really friends yet, just knowers of each other's secret stuff.”
— M. Beth Bloom,
“He looks again towards the door, expecting Mum to walk in and remind him of something he's forgotten. He smiles awkwardly. 'Is that it, Dad? I've got to go.' 'Your Mum said I should mention ... um ... satisfaction.' 'What!' 'She said young men should know things, should be told things so that the girl won't be ...' his eyes plead for understanding, '... disappointed.'[...] 'No worries, Dad. My biology teacher said I was a natural.' Dad looks confused.'I'm kidding, Dad.' [...] Poor bloke, having to do the dirty work while Mum's off with her gang. 'Dad? What did Grandpa tell you about sex?' 'He said if I got a girl pregnant, he'd kill me.”
— Steven Herrick,
“Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.”
— Terry Pratchett,
“I never said nothing...""I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead!”
— Terry Pratchett,
“Make sure the seaweed lies flat.''Okay.''Leave an inch below the knee.''Okay.''It's got to be loose enough to put a finger in the top.''Sean Kendrick.' I say it emphatically enough that the stallion's ears prick toward me. (...)Sean doesn't appear to be at all apologetic. 'I think you'd better let me do that after all.''You're the one who had me in here in the first place.' I say. 'Now I think it's you who doesn't trust me.''It's not just you,' He replies.I glower at him. 'Well, I'll tell you what. I'll hold him and you wrap. That way, when it's done wrong, there's only yourself to slap. And take your jacket. I'm tired of holding it.”
— Maggie Stiefvater,
“Gay Sex Three, Straight Sex Nil”
— Dani Alexander,
“Hope implies that you think you have a chance at something.”
— Richelle Mead,
“You cannot control faeries. Can. Not. They aren't logical or rational. They don't obey the same laws (physical, social, emotional, traffic - you name it) that we do.”
— Kiersten White,
“One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.”
— Chelsea Handler,
“You make me sound like an arrogant ass," he said."Are you?""No! I'm just me.”
— P.C. Cast,
“To be unpopular, you must look the part. Remember four words: plastic flowered swim cap.”
— Jennifer Ziegler,
“Nick rubbed his hand across his face as he tried to make sense of her prattle. But that was the thing about Simi. She seldom made sense.”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“Shoving aside fear and self-doubt, I met his eyes, aiming for absolute confidence in both my stance and my voice. “My father taught me to disarm my opponent at all costs—regardless of his choice of weapon,” I said, glancing pointedly at his groin.“Are you threatening me?”“Damn right. Lay one hand on me and you’ll never stand to pee again.”His eyes darkened, and his laugh sounded forced. “You’re very funny, gatita.”“I’m glad you think so. I’ve always considered my sense of humor to be largely under-appreciated, so it’s nice to finally meet a fan.”
— Rachel Vincent,
“I've knitted myself a hat, it's plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that a few air holes would be nice now that it's spring. I put it on and feel like a cranberry in the snow, and I wonder if they can see me from the moon. Me and the Great Wall.”
— Kjersti A. Skomsvold,
“I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?”
— Janet Evanovich,
“She got icing all over her face. I think that's why I like her. For the good stuff, she's willing to get icing all over her face. Who wouldn't want a girl like that?”
— Laura Ruby
“You said she's a senior? Babe we're ALL crazy.”
— Cecily von Ziegesar,
“Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products.”
— Jennifer Ziegler,
“This is where you all live?" Asked John as they ascended the stairs. "It's small.""This is just our Thanksgiving house," Scott muttered. "We have a house for every day of the year.”
— Adam Rex,
“I tore off another chuck of muffin and stared down at my chest. I shrugged and dabbed the muffin in the cum and popped it in my mouth. "I can't believe you just did that!" "Yeah," I snarled up my lip, "didn't quite think that one through all the way.”
— Ethan Day,
“Sydney did not believe in life after death, but in her experience, admitting this could lead to long and complicated discussions in which people seemed to think that since she did not believe in God or the afterlife, there was nothing to stop her from becoming an ax murderer.”
— Maureen F. McHugh
“Vampires have credit cards?""We're undead, not Amish.”
— Jennifer Colgan,
“Rose's work of art took her all day, including two playtimes, story time, and most of lunch.At the end of school it was stolen from her by the wicked teacher who had pretended to be so interested."Beautiful- what-is-it?" she asked as she pinned it high on the wall, where Rose could not reach."They take your pictures," said Indigo,... when he finally made out what all the roaring and stamping was about. "They do take them.... Why do you want that picture so much?" he asked Rose."It was my best ever," said Rose furiously. "I hate school. I hate everyone in it. I will kill them all when I'm big enough.""You can't just go round killing people," Indigo told her...”
— Hilary McKay,
“Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born.”
— Dakota Dawn
“Good so be would you if, duff plum of helping second A," said the Bursar.  The table fell silent. "Did anyone understand that?" said Ridcully. The Bursar was not technically insane. He had passed through the rapids of insanity som time previously, and was now sculling around in some peaceful pool on the other side. He was quite often coherent, although not by normal human standards.”
— Terry Pratchett,
“This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.”
— Chelsea Handler
“You win, you dirty evil butt-munch. I'll never not let you stay over again. Now let's go back to bed.”
— Ethan Day,
“We found it!" Charlotte yelled, as they ran back through the house. "We found it, we found it!"Eddie, Mr. Mallery, and Colonel Andrews came from separate directions, converging in the front hall. Miss Charming was hopping up and down, her bosom nearly rising to slap her own forehead.”
— Shannon Hale,
“Jackie had now changed her tune, clinging to me as if she liked it. “I’m irresistible, brother, he’s swapping sides for me.”“I can’t fight it any longer,” I said, nonchalantly.Wade shook his head at us. “I’ll be sure to pass this news along to your husband, sis.”“He can have the kids,” Jackie said, causing everyone to chuckle.“We insist,” I tossed in.”
— Ethan Day,
“I’m not your boyfriend!” I snapped, trying to gently move her hands away from my body.“How can you say that?” Sara asked in horror.“It’s shockingly effortless,” I replied. “My vocal chords vibrate, and my mouth and tongue articulate. I can even do it without thinking.” I had to remind myself to stay calm, and sarcasm was the best way to do that.“When are you going to give me a key to your house so I don’t have to knock like some guest?” Sara asked, coming at me again.I backed away. “How about never? Is never good for you?”Sara, undeterred, said, “You’re the reason I go to therapy on Fridays.”“The plot thickens!” Gabby exclaimed for comedic relief.”
— Laura Kreitzer,
“I don’t want to freeze my eggs. I don’t want to visit a sperm bank. I don’t want to be a single parent, if I have any choice in the matter. I want a nuclear family. I want to put down roots, to let my seeds germinate, to watch them bloom and flourish. Not one day, if and when I ever fall in love again, but now. While I still have my youth, damn it.”
— Monica Pradhan,
“Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future Kids' Funny Business.”
— Ivan Stoikov - Allan Bard
“Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!”
— Golda Meir
“The humble Cumulus humilis - never hurt a soul.”
— Gavin Pretor-Pinney,
“Adamant," Doren said proudly, handing over the shield. "We fished it out of the tar pit where we found the shirt of mail.""Probably all belonged to the same careless adventurer," Newel speculated. "Too much money, not enough talent.”
— Brandon Mull,
“Getting into a fight with a popular senior. Pissing off a school teacher and the local chief of police. Hanging with two major-league losers." She slapped my back. "Welcome to high school.”
— Harlan Coben,
“You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“The great William Shakespeare said, "What's in a name?" He also said, "Call me Billy one more time and I will stab you with this ink quill.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.”
— E.W. Howe
“Coordinating the retreat was important too, so important that Jiaan had assigned Aram as Fasal's assistant, to be sure he didn't overlook anything important. Like the fact that they were supposed to retreat.”
— Hilari Bell,
“Dylan, while he is in the shower and he and Joss are only seperated by the curtain and his invisibility:Dylan: "Maybe if you would come in here and scrub my back it would speed things up."Joss: "I'm not invisible."Dylan: "I know this.”
— Susan Bischoff,
“- Do you ever work? Or do you just walk office to office, soliciting blowjobs?- I work occasionally. It's just that the BJs are much more exciting.”
— G.A. Hauser,
“She didn‟t look like the athletic type to me.” “Maybe Nemov carried her. He looked like he could.” “He looked like he could carry his SUV. I don‟t know why he didn‟t.”
— Josh Lanyon,
“Well, well, well," said Aitch Dee, his arms folded across his chest. "Well, well, well, well," replied Pavel, not to be out welled.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“You ought to sue that son of a whore”
— Stephen King,
“He says black, I say white and we do grey”
— Lazaro Hernandez
“It’s been so many years since I actually had a date that I’ve forgotten how to act. You don’t mention your ex when you’ve finished fucking your date; it’s poor protocol”
— Scarlet Blackwell,
“101 Reason why its its great to be a woman : Since the advent of feminism, we can publicly ogle male bodies and not be called sexist. If a man indulges in this behavior over a picture of naked woman, he is a sexist pig, and recompense must be demanded for this slight on womankind.”
— Summersdale Publishers
“This is the final book about Brian”
— Gary Paulsen,
“He had waited until I had my door open, then driven away. The perfect gentleman. Sort of like Dracula just before he drank your blood.”
— Toni Andrews,
“They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean?”
— Adam Rex,
“A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them”
— Christina Dodd,
“Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a thousand books along shelves in the driest part of the cave. There used to be several boxes of pornography until Mortimer realized that he'd spent nearly ten days in a row sitting in the cave masturbating. He burned the dirty magazines to keep from doing some terrible whacking injury to himself.”
— Victor Gischler,
“Why would Dad call you? I mean, you have to admit that he would have been better off calling the local prison and asking them to send out one of the convicted killers to come find me. - Shella”
— Krista Alasti,
“Just shut up and talk. - Shella”
— Krista Alasti,