Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“Save your explanations, I got some questions for you first and you'd better answer them!' [slurred Hellian.] 'With what?' [Banaschar] sneered. 'Explanations?' 'No. Answers. There's a difference-' 'Really? How? What difference?' 'Explanations are what people use when they need to lie. Y'can always tell those,'cause those don't explain nothing and then they look at you like they just cleared things up when really they did the opposite and they know it and you know it and they know you know and you know they know that you know and they know you and you know them and maybe you go out for a pitcher later but who picks up the tab? That's what I want to know.' 'Right, and answers?' 'Answers is what I get when I ask questions. Answers is when you got no choice. I ask, you tell. I ask again, you tell some more. Then I break your fingers, 'cause I don't like what you're telling me, because those answers don't explain nothing!”
— Steven Erikson,
“Come on," I said, taking his hand. Clutching the afghan with the other hand, he trailed down the hall after me, a snow white giant in tiny red underwear.”
— Charlaine Harris,
“Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, "You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.”
— Shelly Laurenston,
“In the war room, love? What if someone comes in?”I stood and removed his shirt. “Then they’ll have a good story to tell.”“Good?” He adopted the pretense of being offended.“Prove me wrong.”
— Maria V. Snyder,
“Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.”
— Louis C.K.,
“sometimes when everything seems atits worstwhen all conspiresand gnawsand the hours, days, weeksyearsseem wasted – stretched there upon my bedin the darklooking upward at the ceilingi get what many will consider anobnoxious thought:it’s still nice to beBukowski.”
— Charles Bukowski,
“I've never felt so bereft and panicky. What do I do without my phone? How do I function? My hand keeps automatically reaching for my phone in its usual place in my pocket. Every instinct in me wants to text someone, 'OMG, I've lost my phone!' but how can do that without a bloody phone?”
— Sophie Kinsella,
“I had liked him for all the wrong reasons.”
— Wendelin Van Draanen,
“You've read half the books in this house? This whole house?" "Well, approximately half." Sticky said. "To be more accurate, I suppose I've read more like" - his eyes went up as he calculated - "three sevenths? Yes, three sevenths." "Only three sevenths?" said Kate, pretending to look disappointed. "And here I was prepared to be impressed.”
— Trenton Lee Stewart,
“Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.”
— Michelle Hodkin,
“When this is all over, when Van Eck has been put in his place, when Rollins goes running, and the money is paid, these will still be my streets. I can’t live in a city where I can’t hold up my head.” “If you have a head to hold up,” said Jesper. “I’ve taken knives, bullets, and too many punches to count, all for a little piece of this town,” said Kaz. “This is the city I bled for. And if Ketterdam has taught me anything, it’s that you can always bleed a little more.”
— Leigh Bardugo,
“Agatha: "If you say anything smug or stuck-up or shallow, I'll have Reaper follow you home."Sophie: "But then I can't talk!”
— Soman Chainani,
“No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.”
— E.A. Bucchianeri,
“Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!”
— Demetri Martin
“So, Mr. Digence, home to visit the family?""That's right. My mother's folks are from Killarney.""Oh, really?""O'Reilly, actually. But what's a vowel between friends?""Very good. You should be on the stage.""It's funny you should mention that."The passport officer groaned. Ten more minutes and his shift would have been over. "I was being sarcastic, actually. . .""Because my friend, Mr. McGuire, and I are also doing a stint in the Christmas pantomime. It's Snow White. I'm Doc, and he's Dopey."The passport officer forced a smile. "Very good. Next."Mulch spoke for the entire line to hear. "Of course, Mr. McGuire there was born to play Dopey, if you catch my drift."Loafers lost it right there in the terminal. "You little freak!" he screamed. "I'll kill you! You'll be my next tattoo! You'll be my next tattoo!"Much tutted as Loafers disappeared beneath half a dozen security guards."Actors," he said. "Highly strung.”
— Eoin Colfer,
“But — why would she break up with you? Why was she crying?” At this, I laugh again.“ Because I,” I say, pointing at myself, “am a monster."Kenji looks confused. “ And how is that news to anyone?”I smile. He’s funny, I think. Funny guy.”
— Tahereh Mafi,
“I watch the Eruptions. Mount Dad, long dormant, now considered armed and dangerous. Mount Saint Mom, oozing lava, spitting flame. Warn the villagers to run into the sea.”
— Laurie Halse Anderson,
“You look angry," he said."You put me on hold.""For a very good reason.""You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold.”
— Derek Landy,
“It's a very small object to be capable of doing many wonderful things, don't you think?""It does much more that that," Valkyrie said, opening up a game and showing it to him.His eyes widened. "What wonder is this?""It's called Angry Birds. Now do you believe me?”
— Derek Landy,
“You be sure to throw the book at him, you hear me? I feel violated, Detective. Violated.""I'll throw this table at you if you don't give us the names we're looking for.”
— Derek Landy,
“Yeah, I get it; you're a vampire," she said. "Creepy. And okay, a little hot, I admit." "You don't mean that." "Come on. I still like you, you know, even if you... crave plasma." Michael blinked and looked at her as if he had never seen her before."You what?""Like. You." Eve enunciated slowly, as if Michael might not know the words. "Idiot. I always have. What, you didn't know?" Eve sounded cool and grown-up about it, but Claire saw the hectic color in her cheeks, under the makeup. "How clueless are you? Does it come with the fangs?" "I guess I... I just thought... Hell. I just didn't think... You're kind of intimidating, you know." "I'm intimidating? Me? I run like a rabbit from trouble, mostly," Eve said."It's all show and makeup. You're the one who's intimidating. I mean, come on. All that talent, and you look... Well, you know how you look." " How do I look?" He sounded fascinated now, and he'd actually moved a little closer to Eve on the couch. She laughed. "Oh come on. You're a total model-babe." "You're kidding.""You don't think you are?"He shook his head. "Then you're kind of an idiot, Glass. Smart, but and idiot." Eve crossed her arms.“So? What exactly do you think about me, except that I’m intimidating?”“I think you’re…you’re…ah, interesting?” Michael was amazingly bad at this, Claire thought, but then he saved it by looking away and continuing. “I think you’re beautiful. And really, really strange.”Eve smiled and looked down, and that looked like a real blush, under the rice powder. “Thanks for that, “ she said, “I never thought you knew I existed, or if you did, that you thought I was anything but Shane’s bratty freak friend.”“Well, to be fair, you are Shane’s bratty freak friend.”“Hey!”“You can be bratty and beautiful,” Michael said. “I think it’s interesting.”
— Rachel Caine,
“Well, I don’t know how to break this to you, but I think they might have noticed we broke into Gringotts.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“A snap of Rhys’s fingers, and my nightclothes—and some flimsy underthings—appeared on the bed. “I couldn’t decide which scrap of lace I wanted you to wear, so I brought you a few to choose from.” “Pig,” I barked”
— Sarah J. Maas,
“Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.”
— Eion Colfer,
“Kate's Speciality: Killing things, with much bloodshed. Talking trash, infuriating authority. Driving Beast Lord crazy.”
— Ilona Andrews
“If anything attacked us, we could just panic at it until it went away.”
— Seanan McGuire,
“I shouldn't have lost my temper that way. It just pricks his pride, makes him dig in his heels.""So why did you?" I asked, genuinely curious. It was rare for Nikolai's emotions to get the best of him. "I don't know," he said, shredding the leaf. "You got angry. I got angry. The room was too damn hot.""I don't think that's it.""Indigestion?" he offered."It's because you actually care about what happens to this country," I said. "The throne is just a prize to Vasily, something he wants to squabble over like a favorite toy, You're not like that. You'll make a good king."Nikolai froze. "I…" For once, words seemed to have deserted him. Then a crooked, embarrassed smile crept across his face. It was a far cry from his usual self-assured grin. "Thank you," he said.I sighed as we resumed our pace. "You're going to be insufferable now, aren't you?"Nikolai laughed. "I'm already insufferable.”
— Leigh Bardugo,
“Don’t do anything stupid.""Don’t worry," I whispered over the line, "I’m an expert on stupid.""You’re...""Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can spot where they’ve been? I’m like that. A stupidinator.""Never say that word again," Prof said.”
— Brandon Sanderson,
“A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.”
— Erma Bombeck
“Pops: How about you finish this sentence for me, Jason? When a girl says no she means...Justin, looking desperately at me: No?Nana: Are you sure?Justin, shifting uncomfortably: I'm sure. No means no.Nana: Well look at you. You got one right. Now here's another, even tougher sentence for you to finish. Premarital sex is...Me: Nana! I'm so sorry Justin.Nana: Unlike Pops, I'm not moving on. Justin?Pops: His name is Jason.Justin:Uh....uh....Pops: While you think about that, why don't you tell me how you feel about drinking and driving?Justin: I'm totally against it, I swear!Nana: Methinks he protests too much.”
— Gena Showalter,
“Whenever I think of something but can't think of what it was I was thinking of, I can't stop thinking until I think I'm thinking of it again. I think I think too much.”
— Criss Jami,
“Maybe a friend is someone who wants your updates. Even if they're boring. Or sad. Or annoyingly cutesy. A friend says "Sign me up for your boring crap, yes indeed"--because he likes you anyways. He'll tolerate your junk”
— E. Lockhart,
“When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!”
— Julie Halpern,
“Because he sounded so lost-the Eric I knew had never been one to do anything other than assume others should serve him-I patted around under the covers for his hand. When I found it, I slid my own over it. His palm was turned up to meet my palm, and his fingers clasped mine. And though I would not have thought it possible to go to sleep holding hands with a vampire, that's exactly what I did.”
— Charlaine Harris,
“What were you thinking?" I demanded once we were moving to the music. I was trying to ignore his hands. "Do you know how much trouble you may have gotten me in?"Adrian grinned. "Nah. They all feel bad for you. You'll achieve martyrdom after dancing with a mean, wicked vampire. Job security with the Alchemists.”
— Richelle Mead,
“My parents didn't raise me to be religious. The closest we come to worship is the Trinity of Visa, Mastercard, and American Express. I think the Merryweather cheerleaders confuse me because I missed out on Sunday School. It has to be a miracle. There is no other explanation. How else could they sleep with the football team on Saturday night and be reincarnated as virginal goddesses on Monday?”
— Laurie Halse Anderson,
“What are you?” he demanded. “A slayer?" I rolled my eyes. “The name's Val, not Buffy. Do I look like a blond cheerleader with questionable taste in men?”
— Parker Blue,
“He slowed down a bit more. "Gaia, how do you know these things?" She shrugged. "I'm smart." "And modest, too." "Modesty is a waste of time," she pronounced. "I'll keep that in mind.”
— Francine Pascal,
“Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business”
— Gregory David Roberts,
“No such word as can't. No such word as babagoozle neither!”
— Charlie Higson,
“In the office, Michael sat behind our father’s desk, clicking away at the computer with his right hand, and making notes with his left. Ambidextrous freak.”
— Rachel Vincent,
“-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful."-"It was stupid.”
— Lloyd Alexander,
“I just don't believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don't see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?”
— Laurell K. Hamilton,
“They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.”
— Sophie Kinsella,
“Skulduggery.""Fletcher."Fletcher stuck out his hand. Skulduggery observed it for a moment."I'm sorry, what are we doing now?""Shaking hands," Fletcher said. "Like adults. I just want you to know that this past year has changed me. I've grown, as a person. I'm not the same Fletcher you used to know."You look a lot like him.""Well, yeah, but-""And you have the same ridiculous hair.""Can we just shake hands?""Of course we can," Skulduggery said, and they shook. "Now what?""I, uh...I don't really know. What do adults usually do after they shake hands?""Generally, the first thing they do is let go.""Oh, right," Fletcher said, and Skulduggery took his hand back. "So, Skulduggery, how have you been? You're looking well. That's a really nice tie."It's blue.""And such a nice shade."Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie. "You promised me he wouldn't be annoying.”
— Derek Landy,
“How'd you get to be so good at this?""I had a good teacher.""Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass.""I mean you, dummy.""Oh.”
— Rachel Caine,
“Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Just so you know, I get incredibly bored quite easily and you will be forced to be my source of entertainment. You'll kind of be like my own personal jester."I flipped him off."Well that wasn't funny at all.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“I brought you some coffee.” he held out the cup but she waved it away.“I hate that stuff. It tastes like feet.”At that he smiled. “How would you know what feet taste like?”“I just know.”-Luke and Clary, pg.209-”
— Cassandra Clare,
“He told me that if you yelled out "JAMBA!" at full volume, all the employees would yell back "JUICE!" He lied.”
— Morgan Matson,
“Claire found herself staring at his feet, which were in bunny slippers. Myrnin looked down. "What?" he asked. "They're quite comfortable." He lifted on to look at it, and the ears wobbled in the air. "Of course they are," she said. Just when she thought Myrnin was getting his mental act together, he'd do something like that. Or maybe he was just messing with her. He liked to do that, and his dark eyes were fixed on her now, assessing just how weirded-out she was.  Which, on the grade scale of zero to Myrnin, wasn't much.”
— Rachel Caine,
“Lief. That's not nice, considering all your sister has done for you," admonished Perl."Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and smuggled me into the Keep in a coffin.”
— Maria V. Snyder,
“I'm sure I look like a drowned cat.""You look fine. The wet look works for you."I scowled. "Now I know you're lying.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.”
— Eoin Colfer,
“NO MATING.”
— Brandon Sanderson,
“You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.”
— Chelsea Handler
“He stood and looked at me for a moment, taking in my outfit. "You look hot.""What? Me?" I stammered, completely flummoxed."Yeah," he said, still looking at me."Oh. Um, thank you. I mean, not that you don’t, but I’m not sure that you should—I mean …""Oh, no," Roger said quickly, and I could see that he was blushing again. "No. I mean—I meant what you’re wearing. Are you going to be too warm?”
— Morgan Matson,
“In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.”
— Roman Payne
“My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way”
— Ali Shariati
“I hung up the phone, jubilant, and threw myself into a wall, then pretended to be getting electrocuted. I do this when I'm very happy.”
— Dave Eggers,
“Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.”
— Criss Jami,
“Why is it beautiful that humanity keeps coming back? So does herpes.”
— Isaac Marion,
“Arthur shook his head and sat down. He looked up.“I thought you must be dead …” he said simply.“So did I for a while,” said Ford, “and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.”
— Douglas Adams,
“Get me outa here. F*ckin' creepy cheerleaders.”
— Lisa McMann,
“Percy looked at his friends. “I’m getting tired of this guy’s shirt.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated.”
— Maria V. Snyder,
“Suspicion," he said. "Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. He's a genius." "Starring Cary Grant." When Lucas gave me a look, I added, "You have your priorities, I have mine.”
— Claudia Gray,
“What’s the best part of being in Hermes cabin?Connor: You are never lonely. I mean seriously, new kids are always coming in. So you always have someone to talk to.Travis: Or prank.Connor: Or pickpocket. One big happy family.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Grover: It’s a very sweet love story. I get misty-eyed every time I play it. So does Percy, but I think that’s because he’s laughing at me.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.”
— Alice Walker,
“And as we leave Donne and Walton on the shores of Metahemeralism, we wave a fond farewell to those famous chums of yore.”
— Donna Tartt,
“I trust you all slept well,” I said, deliberately keeping my tone light. I returned Malich’s glare with a tight-lipped grin.“Yes, we did,” Kaden answered quickly.“I’m sorry to hear that.”
— Mary E. Pearson,
“To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.”
— Bill Maher
“So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.”
— Holly Hood,
“Percy: I thought I’d lost my mom forever, and I was stuck on a hill in a thunderstorm fighting this huge bull dude while Grover was passed out wailing. “Food!” It was terrifying, man.”
— Rick Riordan,
“It was all Mrs. Bumble. She would do it," urged Mr. Bumble; first looking round, to ascertain that his partner had left the room.That is no excuse," returned Mr. Brownlow. "You were present on the occasion of the destruction of these trinkets, and, indeed, are the more guilty of the two, in the eye of the law; for the law supposes that your wife acts under your direction."If the law supposes that," said Mr. Bumble, squeezing his hat emphatically in both hands, "the law is a ass — a idiot. If that's the eye of the law, the law is a bachelor; and the worst I wish the law is, that his eye may be opened by experience — by experience.”
— Charles Dickens,
“You've done what?""I know," he said. "You're impressed. You send me out for bread and I come back with a boy. Well, not literally. That would be weird. Even for me.”
— Derek Landy,
“He laughs. "Put some clothes on so you don't scare poor Kiara with your morning hard-on."I look down at my shorts. Sure enough, I've got la tengo dura in front of Kiara and Tuck. Shit. I reach out for the first thing I can grab and put it in front of me to shield myself from view. It happens to be one of Kiara's stuffed animals, but I don't have much choice right now."That's Kiara's Mojo," Tuck says, laughing. "Get it? Mojo?”
— Simone Elkeles,
“Percy: I’ll walk down to the cabins and Connor and Travis are stealing stuff from the camp store, and Silena is arguing with Annabeth trying to give her a new makeover, and Clarisse is still sticking the new kids’ head into the toilets. It’s nice that some things never change.”
— Rick Riordan,
“He'd barely seen me coming, and despite the horribleness of what I'd just done, I kind of wished one of my instructors had been there to grade me on such an awesome performance.”
— Richelle Mead,
“Today I plan to smile a lot, only so people who know me will be freaked the fuck out.”
— R.D. Ronald
“I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.”
— Bauvard,
“Don't make me angry-kiss you.”
— Rainbow Rowell,
“Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!”
— Robert Louis Stevenson,
“hey. I just wanted to make sure you got home," I say. "Katniss, I live three houses away from you," he says.”
— Suzanne Collins,
“You don’t have any friends, your sister dumped you, you’re a freak eater..and you’ve got some weird thing about Simon Snow.""I object to every single thing you just said."Reagan chewed. And frowned. She was wearing dark red lipstick."I have lots of friends," Cath said."I never see them.""I just got here. Most of my friends went to other schools. Or they’re online.""Internet friends don’t count.""Why not?"Reagan shrugged disdainfully."And I don’t have a weird thing with Simon Snow," Cath said. "I’m just really active in the fandom.""What the fuck is ‘the fandom’?”
— Rainbow Rowell,
“He said "cool" like I say a Spanish word when I'm not sure of the pronunciation.”
— Kelley Armstrong,
“He stared at her neck. Realization pulsed. He was looking at the bite he had given her. A hard length was growing against her hip. “So, is that your long, scaly, reptilian tail, or are you just happy to see me?” No, she did not just say that. Did she?”
— Thea Harrison,
“I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.”
— George Carlin,
“If it works, it will be plenty dramatic. And I suppose that if it doesn't work, it will be even more dramatic, what with the blast.""David, I think you just made a joke."He frowned, utterly perplexed. "Did I?”
— Leigh Bardugo,
“No need, no, need. Life is already too short to find it.”
— Jessica Day George,
“Hello little one. Did you know you're on private property?""Really? I had no idea." Meryn fudged. He raised an eyebrow. "The ten foot fence right behind you didn't give it away?”
— Alanea Alder,
“Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.”
— Brett Tate
“Gurathin turned to me. "So you don't have a governor module, but we could punish you by looking at you."I looked at him. "Probably, right up until I remember I have guns built into my arms.”
— Martha Wells,
“How comes every time I write a book and one of my character's say something remotely offensive, do people stick that “Quote” next to my bloody name on social media? I didn't bloody say it, did I?”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go.""You just got here.""Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.""You're making that up.""I'm not.""So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?”
— Rick Riordan,
“For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)”
— Frankie Boyle