Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“The Dimwit's Guide to the Female Mind might assist your efforts in understanding human females. But it must be pointed out that this subject can be a dangerous adventure and should be undertaken with extreme caution. After all, human males have been trying to understand their females for generations, and most of the time they come away from these encounters looking like someone stuck their tails into an electric socket.”
— Anne Bishop,
“Colin : “Perhaps now is the time to tell you that I have a weakness for agreeable women.”Sugar Beth : “Well, that sure does leave me out.”Colin : “Exactly. With agreeable women, I’m unendingly considerate. Gallant even.”Sugar Beth : “But with tarts like me, the gloves are off, is that it?”Colin : “I wouldn’t exactly call you a tart. But then, I tend to be broad-minded.”She suppressed the urge to dump her porridge in his lap.”
— Susan Elizabeth Phillips,
“Yeah, well, wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which fills up first”
— S.A. Bodeen,
“My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.”
— Chelsea Handler,
“Wait,” he said, pulling me to a stop when I tried to march off toward my destiny. “Is there something you want to tell me?” I looked at him, trying to think of anything I’d done recently that I needed to admit to. When nothing came to mind other than the usual, I shook my head. “Not really. Why?” He reached out and touched my leather jacket. “Is that a bullet hole?” Freaking great.”
— Jaye Wells,
“A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.”
— Erma Bombeck
“A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you.”
— Khaled Hosseini
“By the light," he said, when he had mastered himself. "I think that beats singing a lullaby to a stormdog for simplicity and economy, Maerad. But I wish I had known that you simply had to blow at Hulls to get rid of them. It would have saved me a few scars.”
— Alison Croggon,
“Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.”
— Chelsea Handler,
“Listen, Harr,y can I have a go on it? Can I?""I don't think anyone should ride that broom just yet!" said Hermoine shrilly.Harry and Ron looked at her."What d'you think Harry's going to do with it - sweep the floor?" said Ron.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“She turns to us, acts surprised to see us, then does the bit with the back of the hand to the forehead. "You're lost!" "You're angry!" "You're in the wrong school!" "You're in the wrong country!" "You're on the wrong planet!”
— Laurie Halse Anderson,
“Matt would stare at Andrew for 10 minutes. It's depressing that people are different. Everyone should be one person, who should then kill itself in hand-to-hand combat.”
— Tao Lin
“I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.”
— Victor Borge
“Do you ever take a holiday? Like, do any of you just wake up and think ‘Today feels like a pyjama day.’? or is it always, ‘Today is a good day for murdering and stalking.’?”
— Catherine Doyle,
“Dammit Bard, you're going to set the cat on fire.”
— V.E. Schwab,
“Took me a while to get to the point today, but that is because I did not know what the point was when I started.”
— William Safire
“[Clover] secretly hitched a ride with a nice German couple and their new baby...Clover appeared to the baby, so as to be a delightful, soothing surprise. Well, the child did like Clover. In fact, she held him and cooed. When the parents turned around to look at her and saw their child holding a furry, living creature, they needlessly panicked.”
— Obert Skye,
“He’d done it like he did everything else—with passion and total disregard for how much it might embarrass her.”
— Kaylea Cross,
“Naturally the villagers blamed bears. No one had ever seen a bear in Gavaldon, but this made them more determined to find one. Four years later, when two more children vanished, the villagers admitted they should have been more specific and declared black bears the culprit, bears so black they blended with the night. But when children continued to disappear every four years, the village shifted their attention to burrowing bears, then phantom bears, then bears in disguise. . . Until it became clear it wasn't it wasn't bears at all.”
— Soman Chainani,
“He should probably make love to her.”
— Tara Janzen,
“Misery, thy name is Mudslide”
— Molly Harper,
“Sorry, Bex," Jason said "You don't have the recognizable facial characteristics - such as a huge chin, or a large amount of real estate between the eyes - that would merit the bestowing of a criminal mastermind nickname such as Lockjaw or Walleye. Whereas Crazytop here...well, just look at her." "Atleast I can blow-dry my hair straight," I pointed out. "Which is more than what I can say for your nose, Hawkface.”
— Meg Cabot
“A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.”
— H.L. Mencken
“Hey, Ethan.""Yeah?""Remember the Twinkie on the bus? The one I gave you in second grade, the day we met?""The one you found on the floor and gave me without telling me? Nice."He grinned and shot the ball. "It never really fell on the floor. I made that part up.”
— Kami Garcia,
“You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.”
— Nick Shamhart
“It's especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”
— Sean Covey,
“Lovers do things together! They rent videos, they ride Ferris wheels, they go out for pizza, they play Scrabble. They . . . they talk!''Talk?' He lifted his head and frowned, his eyes puzzled. 'We talk all the time, Raine. I've never had such talkative sex.''That's just it!' She wiggled, flailed, but couldn't budge him. 'Two minutes alone with you, and I'm flat on my back. Every single time!'A slow, knowing grin spread over his face. 'Is this your way of telling me you want to be on top?”
— Shannon McKenna,
“I love the sound of it," Trina whispers, as if speaking too loudly might interrupt the drumming patter of the rain outside. "It makes me want to sleep. Snuggle my head right up in your armpit and snore for three days.""My armpit?" Mark repeats. "Good thing we all showered up in the storm this morning. My pits smell like roses. Go ahead and get comfy.”
— James Dashner,
“... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?”
— Christopher Moore,
“Rule number four for me as a writer? Plotlines are like sharks: They either keep moving or they die. ~J.R. Ward”
— J.R. Ward,
“If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.”
— Kinky Friedman
“Okay, first of all, I didn’t sleep with you to make amends. I slept with you because I wanted to.”He still didn’t say anything, and she pointed at him again. “And you know what? It was your own damn fault. It was those jeans you wear, and the tool belt. It was the size of your hammer!”
— Jill Shalvis,
“Rhiannon's Law #22. You can't lie to yourself, so don't bother trying. Doing so only multiplies your douchebag level to the umpteenth power and confirms what others have been saying for years - that you are an idiot.”
— J.A. Saare,
“She stopped at the desk and held up a can for his view. "This looks like an ordinary hairspray can, right?""Of course." he said though he had no idea what hairspray was.”
— Gena Showalter,
“If it winds up earlier, you should have a movie picked out. This is assuming she isn’t sending you the ‘let’s go back to my place’ signals. In that case—”“Don’t go there, Bob. Let’s just not go there.”
— Nora Roberts,
“He had the prettiest hair she had ever seen on a man: dark brown, almost black, and soft like sable, it fell down to his shoulders. She wondered what he'd do if she threw some mud in it. Probably kill her.”
— Ilona Andrews,
“..when the first rubber ball smacked her in the head and made her brains rattle in her skull, she knew that something about this dodgeball game was different”
— Michael Buckley,
“Jake became excruciatingly aware of her, there, right behind him. The small grunts and groans as she placed each foot carefully on the slick ground reverberated in his gut. He wanted to turn around and tell her to shut the hell up.She sounded as though she was having sex.Good sex.”
— Cherry Adair,
“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.”
— Steven Wright
“Popatrz jeno. Kościół, karczma, bordel, a w środku między nimi kupa gówna. Oto parabola ludzkiego żywota.”
— Andrzej Sapkowski,
“You are the night.""I am the night," I repeated."You are the night."I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. "I am the night?""Jane!""Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like a curse word?”
— Molly Harper,
“I can't see anything" he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. "I'm blind.”
— L.J. Smith,
“What do you take me for? That fool Socrates, who upheld the law at the cost of his own death – just to be ironic? I suspect that act was actually the result of his secret embarrassment of his hideous nose.”
— Benson Bruno,
“Frosting was his favorite. He liked to eat doughnuts at every meal. Because it was healthier to eat six small meals a day than three large ones, he restricted himself: jellied for breakfast, glazed for brunch, cream-filled for lunch, frosting for linner, chocolate for dinner, and powdered sugar for 2 a.m. supermarket stakeout. Because linner coincided with the daily crime peak, he always ate his favorite variety to ease him. Frosting was his only choice now, and upsetting his routine was a quiet thrill.”
— Benson Bruno,
“Do you want me to ride you like a rented mule, or do you prefer to be Mr. Missionary Position? I'm fine with wither, so it doesn't matter to me.”
— Katie MacAlister,
“The bottom half of the page had descended into a doodle of a tiny man giving the middle finger to a giant, angry eagle with razor-sharp talons. Beneath it, the caption: To Mock a Killing Bird.”
— Seth Grahame-Smith
“At that point in time, there were three things in life that I knew for certain: (1) I was a girl who’d never met a site she couldn’t hack or a code she couldn’t break, (2) I had a roundhouse that could put a grown man in the hospital, and (3) I would without question chop off my own hands before I’d come within five feet of a pom-pom”
— Jennifer Lynn Barnes,
“That's not what he meant," Rachel says again, pink flushing her cheeks."Actually, I meant-" I start to say, but Willow cuts me off."What? It's true. He looks at you like he'd like to dip you in sugar and eat you up.”
— C.J. Redwine,
“If the law can be broken it will. Anyone who breaks the law is a risk. You can break the law. So you see, I have to take you in for questioning. This produce stand has an ominous future.”
— Benson Bruno,
“Tradition or not, I sometimes thought putting children on an old guy’s lap was already creepy enough. We didn’t need to mix alcohol into it.”
— Richelle Mead,
“I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.”
— Bauvard,
“You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.”
— Terry Pratchett,
“Step one, accept she was a damn boss. Step two, hide all the knives, guns, and maybe the pillows, too.”
— J.J. McAvoy,
“Silena appeared out of the woods, her sword drawn. Her Aphrodite armour was pink and red, colour coordinated to match her clothes and makeup. She looked like Guerilla Warfare Barbie.”
— Rick Riordan,
“. . .Tell me, Clare: why on earth would a lovely girl like you want to marry Henry?'Everything in the room seems to hold its breath. Henry stiffens but doesn't say anything. I lean forward and smile at Mr. DeTamble and say, with enthusiasm, as though he has asked me what flavor of ice cream I like best: 'Because he's really, really good in bed.' In the kitchen there's a howl of laughter. Mr. DeTamble glances at Henry, who raises his eyebrows and grins, and finally even Mr. DeTamble smiles, and says 'Touché, my dear.”
— Audrey Niffenegger,
“Go slowly, so that you do not bite your tail by accident.”
— Christopher Paolini,
“I frowned as my fingers throbbed. “Wait a sec. There’s a chance I can’t work with fire and you let me do that?”“How else am I going to figure out your limitations?”“What the hell!” I pulled my hand free, furious. “That’s not cool, Blake. What’s next? Trying to stop a moving vehicle by standing in front of it, but whoops, I can’t do that and now I’m dead?”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“Sheep hurt my father, and through my father, sheep have also hurt me.”
— Haruki Murakami,
“Aaron’s mouth dropped open when he entered the “room;” it was more like a huge open loft … no walls, huge floor to ceiling windows, shiny hardwood floors … perfect for a studio. He had no idea how Jake had acquired such a huge space in Manhattan.As if reading his mind, Alyson leaned over and whispered, “He bought the place next door and tore down the walls.”“Perfect,” replied Aaron, “and did he happen to find a treasure chest hidden in one of the walls as well?”“What do you mean?”“I mean, how the holy hell does he afford this place? He looks like he’s twelve.”“He’s twenty-​two, and he happens to be quite successful.”“At twenty-​fucking-​two?”“He was born with talent?” Alyson said questioningly.“He’s a lucky wanker who blew the right people?” suggested Aaron.Alyson tried to scowl but grinned instead, “A child prodigy?”“A deal with the devil?”“Naturally gifted?”“An indulgent sugar daddy?”“How about ‘c) All of the above’?” asked a third voice from behind the partition at the far corner of the studio.”
— Giselle Ellis,
“Don't go there Rule" Lawe warned him softly. " I don't think your horoscope declared today to be a good day to die.”
— Lora Leigh,
“So what's it to be, Bear?"Dev lifted his leg and gave a sarcastic slap to his thigh."By golly, I'll take door number two, Bob. You know the one that calls for straight suicide with a side of mutilation and pain? Sign my hairy ass up for that and don't be late.”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“What was that you gave me to eat?" Winter panicked.A Filler Crisp," Clover said, his eyes seventy percent concerned and thirty percent mischievous.”
— Obert Skye,
“I can’t believe I’ve missed this sport. It’s all about fingering holes and caressing balls.”
— K.A. Mitchell,
“You guys are weird," Tori said.Simon sat on the crate beside me. "That's right. We are totally weird and completely uncool. Your popularity is plummeting just by being near us.”
— Kelley Armstrong,
“Monsters have the worst taste in women.”
— Tera Lynn Childs,
“There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which Mr. James Harthouse had a very strong inclination to pitch Mr. Thomas Gradgrind Junior.”
— Charles Dickens,
“Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall out?”
— Molly Harper,
“Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.”
— Bauvard,
“Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once.”
— Brett Tate
“I fixed your car," he said, tossing the keys from a jade dish on the little maple end table.I palmed them and eyed him speculatively. "You fixed my car?""I have walked the earth for more than a century. I managed to pick up some skills along the way," he said, before reluctantly adding, "and one of them is finding skilled mechanics."I smirked, leaning against the wall. "You almost had me there.""I supervised," he insisted.”
— Molly Harper,
“Breaking away from Gideon with some reluctance, Sophie rose to her feet and dusted off her dress. "Please forgive me, my dear Mr. Lightwood- I mean Gideon- but I must go and murder the cook. I shall be directly back.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“If looks could kill...well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing."See Dick," Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. "Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny.”
— Molly Harper,
“It's spider season. Every year, right about now, thousands of the godless eight-legged bastards emerge from the bowels of hell (or the garden, whichever's nearest) with the sole intention of tormenting humankind.”
— Charlie Brooker
“I saw a dark void under the platform and had just enough time to think: "Fuck me he's a earthbender.”
— Ben Aaronovitch,
“I'm bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is "In 15 minutes everybody will be famous.”
— Andy Warhol
“Remind me to show you the latest e-mail from Courtney," he said now, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk. "You won't believe how many different incorrect ways she spelled hors d'oeuvres within the span of a single paragraph.”
— Aimee Agresti,
“I can’t chitchat and make breakfast at the same time. You could help, you know, instead of standing there like the Queen of England. Although you’re a lot better-looking.”
— Susan Elizabeth Phillips
“Aunt Elizabeth said, 'Do you expect to attend many balls, if I may ask?' and I said, 'Yes, when I am rich and famous.' and Aunt Elizabeth said, 'Yes, when the moon is made of green cheese.”
— Emily of New Moon
“Well, robots are, of course, the monkey's natural enemy.”
— Brian K. Vaughan,
“Fine, I'll touch you, briefly, but only because you sound like you need the praise that your body's hot, and I'm totally selfless like that.”
— Kyle Adams,
“I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.”
— Bauvard,
“Amren,” Rhys drawled, “sends her regards. And as for this one … ” I tried not to flinch away from meeting his stare. “She’s mine,” he said quietly, but viciously enough that Devlon and his warriors nearby heard. “And if any of you lay a hand on her, you lose that hand. And then you lose your head.” I tried not to shiver, as Cassian and Mor showed no reaction at all. “And once Feyre is done killing you,” Rhys smirked, “then I’ll grind your bones to dust.”
— Sarah J. Maas,
“The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.”
— Roman Payne
“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. ”
— H. L. Mencken
“All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts.”
— Anita Clenney
“Neither sleet nor rain nor a half inch of snow will compel me to dress like a lumberjack.”
— Gayle Forman,
“She’d ceased spying upon him, that was true, but the damage was done. Every time he sat at his desk, he could feel her eyes upon him, even though he knew very well she’d shut her curtains tight. But clearly, reality had very little to do with the matter, because all he had to do, it seemed, was glance at her window, and he lost an entire hour’s work.It happened thus: He looked at the window, because it was there, and he couldn’t very well never happen to glance upon it unless he also shut his curtains tight, which he was not willing to do, given the amount of time he spent in his office. So he saw the window, and he thought of her, because, really, what else would he think of upon seeing her bedroom window? At that point, annoyance set in, because A) she wasn’t worth the energy, B) she wasn’t even there, and C) he wasn’t getting any work done because of her.C always led into a bout of even deeper irritation, this time directed at himself, because D) he really ought to have better powers of concentration, E) it was just a stupid window, and F) if he was going to get agitated about a female, it ought to be one he at least liked.F was where he generally let out a loud growl and forced himself to get back to his translation. It usually worked for a minute or two, and then he’d look back up, and happen to see the window, and the whole bloody nonsense cycled back to the beginning.”
— Julia Quinn,
“Kneel before the king, Griff." I look around for the king. "Me, asshole. I'm the king. Who else would be the king? Wade?"[...]"On this rainy Thursday, I, King Theo of New York City, praise you, Sir Griffin of New York City, for your vast knowledge of fantasy novels I"ll never take the time to read myself. And for having the kind of laugh that I like hearing so much I would punch myself over and over if you found it funny.”
— Adam Silvera,
“Bob, would you be willing to take on Evil Bob?"Bob's eyes darted nervously. "I'd . . . prefer not to. I'd really, really prefer not to. You have no idea. That me was crazy. And buff. He worked out.”
— Jim Butcher,
“Can I see some ID?" "WE DON'T HAVE ID," said Jay, loudly. "'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN. WE DON'T USE ID...THERE. AND THAT'S WHY WE LOOK SO YOUNG. 'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN." Doug stiffened. Jay sounded crazy. Doug tried looking extra sane to even things out.”
— Adam Rex,
“Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, 'Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating's a serious business.”
— Brian Jacques,
“I'm asking you to tell Lady Cassandra about my good qualities as well as the bad ones.""What good qualities?" West inquired sharply.Tom had to think for a moment. "How rich I am?”
— Lisa Kleypas,
“Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again?" And Grandpa Nate answered, "Why don't you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over again?”
— E. L. Konigsburg,
“What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me by the Trocadero in Paris. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.”
— Dwight Schrute
“I rubbed at my temple, where the zit was gone. It still hurt a little , though, deep under the skin. I hate those zits that burrow underground. You think they've vanished, but no, they just barricade themselves right next to the bone and hurt.”
— Lili St. Crow,
“Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?I don't think I shall bother, madam, seeing as you are making such a good job of it yourself!”
— Terry Pratchett,
“Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.”
— Charlotte Perkins Gilman,
“Sir," returned Mrs. Sparsit, " I cannot say that i have heard him precisely snore, and therefore must not make that statement. But on winter evenings, when he has fallen asleep at his table, I have heard him, what I should prefer to describe as partially choke. I have heard him on such occasions produce sounds of a nature similar to what may be heard in dutch clocks. Not," said Mrs. Sparsit, with a lofty sense of giving strict evidence, " That I would convey any imputation on his moral character. Far from it.”
— Charles Dickens,