Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“An educated theologian: someone who's better at rationalizing what they're pretending to know.”
— Peter Boghossian
“I could always get by on a fake ID, calm face, and a smile. My sister could look guilty saying her prayers.”
— Huntley Fitzpatrick,
“I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a flame.”
— Nicole McKay,
“I had a dream about you last night... you sat in a cardboard box and said you were a tree.”
— Nicole McKay,
“I had a dream about you last night... you were crying over spilt ink screaming "the words, the what could have been beautiful words.”
— Nicole McKay,
“I had a dream about you last night.. You pretended not to be a three hole punch.”
— Amy Summers,
“Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.”
— George Carlin,
“Mr. Vey, you cannot be stuffed into a locker without your consent." Dallstrom said, which may be the dumbest thing ever said in a school. "You should have resisted. That's like blaming someone who was struck by lightning for getting in the way.”
— Richard Paul Evans,
“This is the biggest damn IPod I've ever seen," Claire said, which made him choke on his beer. "Kidding. I have seen a jukebox before.”
— Rachel Caine,
“Kyo Sohma: angrily pointing at Yuki Just like I'll beat you one of these days  Yuki: looking bored Wait wait I think I've heard this one before”
— Natsuki Takaya
“You didn't have to go to the fireworks with him. Or - or let him fondle you.""Fondle?" Raisa raised her eyebrows, "When did I mention fondling?”
— Cinda Williams Chima,
“Finding the book was like kissing a lightning bolt.”
— Karen Miller
“A good story should provoke discussion, debate, argument...and the occasional bar fight.”
— J. Michael Strazynski
“That, they never could lay their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never tolerate the idea of their wives laying their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never endure the notion of their children laying their heads on their pillows; in short , that there never more could be , for them or theirs , any laying of heads upon pillows at all , unless the prisioner's head was taken off.The Attorney General during the trial of Mr. Darnay ”
— Charles Dickens,
“When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.”
— Al Capone
“He's all right. His hair is cute."Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. " Oh my God, you're in love.""I'm not in love.""'his hair is cute'? You never say anything nice about anyone. Coming from you, cute hair is a mating call."" I talked to the guy for thirty seconds. And then he waved at me while i was in the tank.""Holy fuck, you're getting married, aren't you!"" Will you simmer. I certainly am not.”
— MaryJanice Davidson,
“They walked to school, talking about how much they were longing for the summer holidays."Oh, I am planning things," said Jamie. "Great, great things. I could join a band.""You gave up the guitar after two lessons.""Well," he said, "I could be a backup dancer.""Backup dancers have to wear belly shirts and glitter," said Mae. "So obviously, I support this plan.”
— Sarah Rees Brennan,
“(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?”
— Victor Borge
“Weetzie could see him--it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. "Lanky Lizards!" Weetzie exclaimed."Greetings," said the man in an odd voice, a rich, dark purr."Oh, shit!" Weetzie said."I beg your pardon? Is that your wish?”
— Francesca Lia Block,
“What the hell am I doing...? Escape holding myself as a hostage...? I won't be able to make it like that...”
— Tsugumi Ohba
“Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?”
— Janet Evanovich,
“Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.”
— Bauvard,
“IMBECILE!" the chef shouted. "Next time why don't you just put your whole HAND in the food, hey? Yes, your whole hand, or maybe your FACE! I arrange the food on plates with care, are you understanding what I am telling you? It is part of the art form of cooking, yes? A lovely plate of food is a thing of beauty! And then you, NUMBSKULL, come along and put your fat greasy FINGERS all over my plate, and SHAKE the plate, and move my food all around the plate until it looks like pigs' vomit!""Chef Vlad!" I cried out in delight.”
— Kenneth Oppel,
“Well," Ben went on,"someone should just tell her to come on home, because she can find the world's largest balls right here in Orlando, Florida. They're located in a special display case known as 'my scrotum.'" Radar laughed, and Ben continued. "I mean seriously. My balls are so big that when you order french fries from McDonald's, you can choose one of four sizes: small, medium,large, and my balls.”
— John Green,
“Then, almost as an afterthought, she turned and locked the bathroom door. If he thought he was going to seduce her, make her stupid enough to believe his lies by getting her into bed, he'd better think again. She stepped into the water. Besides, women didn't lose brain cells at the thought of sex. Only men did.”
— Maggie Shayne,
“Is there somebody out there? Amy, is that you?” her mother called.“No. Tell me this isn’t happening.” Quinn rested his forehead against hers. “Has she got a wiretap on you or something? I swear, she’s like a walking hard-on detector.”Amy bit her lip, trying not to laugh. Quinn levered himself up on his arms.“Mrs. P., if you value your life, you’ll go back inside and turn off the light right now.”
— Sarah Mayberry,
“Henry narrowed his eyes at me. "You going somewhere?""Lacrosse field trip," I said. "I enjoy whacking the hell out of people with mallets.”
— Robin Benway,
“Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?""Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth.""Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms.”
— MaryJanice Davidson,
“Today vegetables. Tomorrow...the world!”
— Deborah Howe
“Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.”
— Jack Benny
“As we drove uptown, I spotted a Kmart on a corner,with its familiar red sign.I cleared my throat."Wait. Can we stop for a minute?""What for?""Just - I need a few things."He looked irritated, but pulled into a metered space. "We don't really have time to go shopping."I glared at him."yeah, excuse me for being so frivolous. You have your suitcase all packed already; I dont even have clean underwear.I'll be right back.”
— L. A. Weatherly
“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.”
— Steven Wright
“The only difference between me and a famous writer is that I do not want to be famous.”
— Santosh Kalwar
“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.”
— Steven Wright
“Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.”
— Bauvard,
“It's a booley village," Ian told her. "The islanders used to take their animals into the hills for the summ. They'd camp out in these stone huts: men, women, and children. Everyone stayed up all night, sang, told stories, watched the stars. It must have been great craic." "How do you know this stuff?" she asked, admiringly. "I' a bloody genius." When she threw him a look, he grinned. " I also read it in the guidebook.”
— O.R. Melling,
“Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.”
— Ellen DeGeneres,
“She made an impatient noise. "By the Angel, you don't know anything about your kid, do you? Do you even really know how vampires are made?""Well, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love each other very much ... ”
— Cassandra Clare,
“I know this is war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it's a party.”
— Kristin Cashore,
“You’re sure you didn’t leave? Didn’t try to explore Thunder Bay again, maybe go down to the park and, I don’t know, dismember some poor jogger?”
— Kendare Blake,
“A rap at the back door made her jump, and she peered through the window for a long time before she eased open the door a crack. She left the security chain on. 'What do you want, Richard?'Richard Morrell's police cruiser was parked in the drive. He hadn't flashed any lights or howled any sirens, so she supposed it wasn't an emergency, exactly. But she knew him well enough to know he didn't pay social visits, at least not to the Glass House.'Good question,' Richard said. 'I guess I want a nice girl who can cook, likes action movies, and looks good in short skirts. But I'll settle for you taking the chain off the door and letting me in.”
— Rachel Caine,
“So what's the plan?” Ben asked.“Go inside. Look around. Improvise.”“Brilliant." Hi stroked his chin. “Quick question: Is having no plan the same as having a terrible plan, or are those different categories?”
— Kathy Reichs,
“Alec licked his spoon, then set it on the table and popped his drink open. "Okay, I may be breaking some kind of girl bonding rule or something, but can I offer you a guy's perspective on this?"I frowned, my spoon halfway to my mouth. "Is this gonna make me want to hit you?"He shrugged. "Maybe. But it's the truth. Here goes: kissing back is an instinct. Unless the girl smells like a sewer or has tentacles feeling you up independently, a guy's first instinct is to kiss back. That's how it works. What's important is how long that kissing back lasted. So...how long?”
— Rachel Vincent,
“Fred and George exchanged looks."You don't mind if we don't kiss you, do you, Ron?" said Fred in a falsely anxious voice. "We could curtsy, if you like," said George. "Oh, shut up," said Ron, scowling at them.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“Maybe you’re not so bad after all.’He leant across the seat, jabbing his finger in the air. ‘If you tell anyone, I’ll deny it. I have a reputation to uphold, you know.”
— Catherine Doyle,
“Threat Level Fuchsia. Fuchsia!”
— Charlie Cochet ,
“Was it just her, or did lovers look more adoringly at each other in this city? Especially in the springtime.'Die, bastards.'She sighed. It wasn't their fault that they were bastards who should die.”
— Kresley Cole,
“I said alone!”He nodded in agreement. “Aye, you usually say that, and I still stay. It’s our way.”
— Kresley Cole,
“I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.”
— Bauvard,
“When I said it aloud, it sounded terribly creepy, which is why I had said it aloud.”
— Amanda Hocking
“Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.”
— Molly Harper,
“We’re adults. I might be a little more of an adult if you’re counting years but I bet I have a lower IQ, so that puts us pretty much even.”
— Robyn Carr,
“I always hoped for this spark of chemistry and compatibility, a flash of clarity to let me know that this was the guy, this was the time, so I should leg go and enjoy myself. But it never came. And by no small coincidence, neither did I.”
— Molly Harper,
“He'll have that scar forever.""Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?""Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.”
— J. K. Rowling,
“Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.”
— Bauvard,
“Dude, you're scaring the crap out of me,' said Nick. 'I'm serious, I literally have no crap right now.”
— Mark Frost,
“It was like being leaned on by a very heavy, warm brick. A sexy brick.”
— Patricia Briggs,
“Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal.”
— Fanny Merkin,
“Is that a space?No, it's a hydrant.”
— Becky Albertalli,
“Best friends one, and now we have almost nothing to say to each other. It was interesting, how he had joined those guys and I just stayed on my own. I didn't like it or dislike it. It was just funny that things had turned out that way.”
— Markus Zusak,
“I had a dream about you last night... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.”
— Amy Summers,
“What happened to your face?" she asked."It fell on a fist." He shrugged."That happens a lot?""Enough.”
— Melissa de la Cruz,
“The great thing about writing fiction is that you can do whatever the fuck you want, go as far as you are willing to go, and laugh at the people who take it seriously.”
— Richard Denney
“I'm losing weight, you notice, Pop?”
— Arthur Miller,
“I had a dream about you last night... you made a beard for yourself out of forty two bags of Twizzlers.”
— Nicole McKay,
“Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?”
— Martin Freeman
“I think we are going to have to love ourselves. Fuck.”
— Liz Tuccillo,
“Aaron: Dude, one thing the guy said is you don’t taunt voodoo.Zak: Am I taunting?Aaron: Dude, you’re taunting the crap out of it!Zak: I am sorry, I am not taunting you I am just talking...Talking loudly.”
— Zak Bagans
“On horseback you feel as if you're moving in time to classical music; a camel seems to progress to the beat of a drum played by a drunk.”
— Walter Moers,
“Mom, camping is not a date; it's an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
— Yvonne Prinz,
“How Superheroes Make Money: - Spider-Man knits sweaters. - Superman screw the lids on pickle jars. - Iron Man, as you would suspect, just irons.”
— Jim Benton,
“Being fed, and having a soft bed, and other people being in charge, seemed the most wonderful prospect in the world at that moment.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“He`s quite extraordinary with his moves and spins. I think he was a baton girl in a past life [on his co-star Hayden Christensen].”
— Ewan McGregor
“In one universe, they are gorgeous, straight-teethed, long-legged, wrapped in designer fashions, and given sports cars on their sixteenth birthdays. Teacher smile at them and grade them on the curve. They know the first names of the staff. They are the Pride of the Trojans. Oops – I mean Pride of the Blue Devils.In Universe #2, they throw parties wild enough to attract college students. They worship the stink of Eau de Jocque. They rent beach houses in Cancún during Spring Break and get group-rate abortions before prom.”
— Laurie Halse Anderson,
“I scoured myself with lye soap from head to toe to get the evil funk of demon snot off me. I have flossed things the gods never meant to be flossed and used things that would be toxic to most living organisms. All to sanitize my body for your chewing pleasure.”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“Fang let out a low whistle. "Anyone know that Amazons could ride a giant bird?"Ethon gave him a duh stare. "Those of us who fought them, yeah, we know. How you think they keep kicking our asses?""Cause you're pansies. Everyone knows that.”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“I'm telling you, the gorgeous of the world can actually look pretty intimidating when they scowl. Imagine a snow-white swan with a scary tattoo holding a chain saw. There's just no way to really prepare for that.”
— Jim Benton,
“New Yorkers, I figured, just pretended to be unfriendly.”
— Jeannette Walls,
“Carpe Diem, just remember that we're partying on the Titanic.”
— Will McIntosh,
“Max, you're acting like a child, the Voice said. You're above rebelling against your fate just to rebel. You've got a date with destiny. Don't be late."I brushed some hair out of my eyes. Is that a movie quote? Or is it an actual date? I don't remember destiny asking me. I never even gave destiny my phone number.”
— James Patterson
“She needed Andrew Simpson Smith, it was that simple. And he had spent his life training to help people like her. Gods. "Okay, Andrew. But let's leave today. I'm in a hurry.""Of course. Today." He stroked the place where his slight beard was beginning to grow. "These ruins where your friends are waiting? Where are they?"Tally glances up at the sun, still low enough to indicate the eastern horizon. After a moment's calculation, she pointed off to the northwest, back toward the city and beyond that, the Rusty Ruins. "About a week's walk that way." "A week?""That means seven days.""Yes, I know the gods' calendar," he said huffily. "But a whole week?""Yeah. That's not so far, is it?" The hunters had been tireless on their march the night before. He shook his head, an awed expression on his face. "But that is beyond the edge of the world.”
— Scott Westerfeld,
“Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?”
— Bauvard,
“California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.”
— Fred Allen
“There are several theories on sex and all of them are lies.”
— Santosh Kalwar,
“A human hires a hit man to kill his cousin for money, boring. That same hit man botches the job twice, funny. Then the desperate hit man sends a ghoul after the girl to finish things up, my curiosity's piqued. That same ghoul ends up with his head cut off by a mysterious redhead . . . Ah. Now I'm interested.”
— Jeaniene Frost,
“Great minds think alike-especially when they are female.”
— Christina Dodd,
“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“He swiveled his head towards Eddie. "Tell me how to get over to the Four Lads. Do I have to die again?"If he did, he had a Beretta on him and he knew what kicking the bucket from a gunshot was like. Snore."Don't bother." Adrian cracked his knuckles. "They're not going to tell you anything. They can't."What the fuck? "I thought I worked for them.""You work for both sides, and they've given you all the help they can."Jim looked back and forth between the two angels. Each of them had the tight expression of a guy with a shoestring noosing up his balls."Help?" he said. "Where's my goddamned help?""They gave you us, asshole," Adrian snapped. "And that's all they can do--I've already gone over and asked them who's supposed to be next. I figured it would help you, you ungrateful bastard.”
— J.R. Ward,
“You think he left a big flashing arrow pointing to a filing cabinet labeled 'Evidence Here!'? He's a Stray, Ethan, not Wile E. Coyote!”
— Rachel Vincent,
“I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.”
— Chelsea Handler,
“At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right?”
— Rachel Caine,
“A horse blanket, Mel?I remembered what I was wearing. 'It tore in half when Hrani tried washing it. She was going to mend it. This piece was too small for a horse, but it was just right for me.'Bran laughed a little unsteadly. 'Mel. A horse blanket.”
— Sherwood Smith,
“And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)”
— Christopher Moore,
“Three Denises wobbled in front of her, all of them watching her with fond concern. “You’re a sweetie. I appreciate you cheering me on from the sidelines. But I think I need to go to the bathroom now and throw up.”
— Sarah Mayberry,
“Don't you just hate that, you meet a girl she seems pretty nice, you tell all your friends and before you know it she turns out to be a vampire, don't you just hate it when that happens?”
— L.j Smith
“Close your eyes!""You can't kiss me from down there, Wylan." "Just do it!”
— Leigh Bardugo,
“How did I end up in this situation? I'm the district sales manager of a napkin factor. Why is my daughter in space?”
— Andy Weir,
“Must a name mean something?" Alice asked doubtfully.Of course it must," Humpty Dumpty said with a short laugh; "my name means the shape I am - and a good handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost.”
— Lewis Carroll
“See how the symbols stretch across all three shields? They represent a god."Hypnos frowned. "There's a God of lions and knives and wineglasses? That seems incredibly specific.""This god is Shezmu," said Enrique, rolling his eyes. "He's seldom depicted, perhaps because he's at such odds with himself. On the other hand, he's the lord of perfumes and gracious oils, often considered something of a celebration deity.""My kind of god," said Hypnos."He is also the god of slaughter, blood and dismemberment.""I amend my original statement," said Hypnos.”
— Roshani Chokshi,
“Oh, you need Alan to betray Nick and then you'll steal Nick's powers and kill them both," said Mae. "Great idea. Hey, can i come? I'll bring a picnic lunch if you promise not to let blood get on the sandwiches.”
— Sarah Rees Brennan,
“Just at present you only see the tree by the light of the lamp. I wonder when you would ever see the lamp by the light of the tree.”
— Chesterton, G. K. (Gilbert Keith)
“Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli. "I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure."-Morelli And Stephanie”
— Janet Evanovich,
“Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.”
— Victor Borge
“I can't make out what they're saying; it sounds like: hiss, blah, she hiss, squeak. But the aunt appears to speak the native language.”
— Emma Chase,
“My dear fellow " Said Albert, turning to Franz " here is an admirable adventure; we will fill our carriage with pistols, blunderbusses, and double-barreled shotguns. Luigi Vampa comes to take us, and we take him - we bring him back to Rome , and present him to him holiness the Pope, who asks how he can repay so great a service; Then we merely ask for a cariage and a pair of horses, and we will see the Carnival in the carriage , and doubtless the Roman people will crown us at the capitol , and proclaim us, like Curtius and the veiled Horatius, the preservers of there country." Whilst Albert proposed this scheme, signor Pastrini's face assumed an expression impossible to describe.”
— Alexandre Dumas,
“(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?”
— Victor Borge
“She's in the Catskill," Shopie began, but Scathach reached over and pinched her hand. "Ouch!"I just wanted to distract you," Scathach explained. "Don't even think about Black Annis. There are some names that should never be spoken aloud."That like saying don't think of elephants, Josh said, "and then all you can think about is elephants."Then let me give you something else to think about," Scathach said softly. "There are two police officers in the window staring at us. Don't look," she added urgently.Too late. Josh turned to look and whatever crossed his face--shock, horror, guilt or fear--bought both officers racing into the cafe, one pulling his automatic from its holster, the other speaking urgently into his radio as he drew his baton.”
— Michael Scott
“How stupid, that someone so short could have such a presence.”
— Nora Sakavic,
“One's 'thing'--(1) A point of personal interest; a hobby, sport, or avocation that succinctly defines a person. (2) A brief coupling of words used to evoke someone's personality in a small-talk setting:  Billy's thing used to be soccer; now it's masterbation.  (3) A laconic summation of one's character and interests used for the purpose of categorization and judgement. See also 'What do you do?”
— Joshua Braff,
“Again Creb grunted. It was the usual noncommittal comment used by men when responding to a woman. It carried only enough meaning to indicate the woman had been understood, without acknowledging too much significance in what she said.”
— Jean M Auel