Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“Elizabeth."I feel my smile on my face as I understand what she is doing. Though it's a strange one, she has a name-sound just like I do, and she's telling me what it is. I try to make the same sounds."Ehh..beh." I frown. Why is her name-sound so difficult and so long?She frowns right back at me and says it again. "Elizabeth.""Beh-tah-babaa."She sighs and her forehead wrinkles. "Elizabeth. Eeee-lizzzz-ahh-beth.""Laahh...baaay."She taps her chest again."Beth!"The sound is shorter but still very odd."Beh-bet.""Beth," she repeats.I've had enough. I reach out and touch her should."Beh.""Beth." I tap her a little harder and growl."Beh", I repeat. I tap her again. "BEH!"Her eyes widen a bit, and she inhales sharply. A moment later, her shoulders drop and she sighs."Beh," she says quietly.”
— Shay Savage,
“Whoa. Not too stiff," Cody said. "Secure, strong, but calm. Like you're caressing a beautiful woman, remember?"That made me think of Megan.I lost control, and a green wave of smoky energy burst from my hand and flew out in front of me. It missed the pipe completely, but vaporized the metal leg of the chair it sat on. Dust showered down and the chair went lopsided, dumping the pipe to the floor with a clang."Sparks," Cody said. "Remind me to never let you caress me, lad.”
— Brandon Sanderson,
“They say the content and the cover are the most important things when it comes to a book or a novel, right? I totally disagree – The reader is the most important thing to a book”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team?" said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for now reason at all. "It's people they feel sorry for. See, there's Potter, who's got no parents, then there's the Weasleys, who've got no money - you should be on the team, Longbottom, you've got no brains.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt’s collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I’dmet them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on topof it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.“Hindenburg,” I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. “Walt, why in the world—?”“Sorry!” he yelled. “Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.I moved to Walt’s side and tried to get my bearings.”
— Rick Riordan,
“(Aries can be impatient)I wouldn't call myself impatient. I just like to get things done really fast.”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“This is an Aston Martin, Gin.You don't run over dead bodies in an Aston Matin.""Tell that to James Bond”
— Jennifer Estep,
“So hologram means--" I finally said."It means non-corporeal, yeah. Which sucks seeing as how there are a lot of very corporeal things I'd like to do with you right now.”
— Rachel Hawkins,
“And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face!”
— Rick Riordan,
“Yes, I'm back," he said, "And look who I ran into."Horace grinned at him. "i hope you ran into him hard.""As hard as I could.”
— John Flanagan,
“Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.”
— Honore de Balzac
“I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it”
— Terry Lander,
“But Amy," Elder says. "Space suits!”
— Beth Revis,
“She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea.”
— Charles Dickens,
“I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way.”
— Huntley Fitzpatrick,
“Friends are like bras, attached near your heart for support. Foes are like panties, deported, every now and then, when they get dirty.”
— Santosh Kalwar,
“Hatsuharu Sohma: [after tripping Kyo] If I hadn't had tripped you, you wouldn't have stopped now would you.[addressing the audience]Hatsuharu Sohma: By the way what I just did was very dangerous. And if it had been anyone but Kyo they probably would have been hurt pretty badly, so don't try it at home.Kyo Sohma: Don't try it here and who are you even talking to? ”
— Natsuki Takaya
“I felt my cheeks turn red, and she laughed out loud. But I didn't mind too much, because the last thing she saw was my middle finger aimed in her direction as I stepped outside”
— Jessica Verday,
“It's sick and twisted and violent. Other than that it is totally G rated.”
— Elizabeth Cruickshank
“No bikinis on a first date.” He nods. “I’m sure that’s a rule. Or should be. For my sisters anyway.”
— Huntley Fitzpatrick,
“Look at him,” she said, shaking her head. “Travis Maddox: Mr. Mom.”
— Jamie McGuire,
“Jean grinned down at her, and she handed him something in a small silk bag.'What's this?''Lock of my hair, ' she said. 'Meant to give it to you days ago, but we got busy with all the raiding. You know. Piracy. Hectic life. ''Thank you, love, ' he said.'Now, if you find yourself in trouble wherever you go, you can hold up that little bag to whoever's bothering you, and you can say, "You have no idea who you're fucking with. I'm under the protection of the lady who gave me this object of her favour. "''And that's supposed to make them stop?''Shit no, that's just to confuse them. Then you kill them while they're standing there looking at you funny.”
— Scott Lynch,
“That cat doesn't have a lick of sense,' I said, sighing.Well, honey, he's not right in the head,' Dad said, flipping his cigarette into the front yard.I glared at him. 'And just what do you mean by that?'Dad counted on his fingers. 'He's cross-eyed; he jumps out of trees after birds and then doesn't land on his feet; he sleeps with his head smashed up against the wall, and the tip of his tail is crooked.'Oh yeah? Well, how about this: he once got locked in a basement by evil Petey Scroggs in the middle of January and survived on snow and little frozen mice. When I'm cold at night he sleeps right on my face. Of that whole litter of kittens he came out of he's the only one left. One of his brothers didn't even have a butthole.'I stand corrected. PeeDink is a survivor.”
— Haven Kimmel,
“If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business.”
— Barbara Kingsolver,
“Master Kell,” said Alucard, cheerfully. “What an unexpected pleasure, running into you here.” His voice had a natural undercurrent of laughter in it, and Kell could never tell if he was being mocked.“I don’t see how it’s unexpected,” said Kell, “as I live here. What is unexpected is running into you, since I thought I made myself quite clear the last time we met.”“Quite,” echoed Alucard.“Then what were you doing in my brother ’s chambers?”Alucard raised a single studded brow. “Do you want a detailed account? Or will a summary suffice?”
— V.E. Schwab,
“Now that that's settled, you're coming with me.""Never in a billion suns. Not even if Zeus showed up as a swan and tried to peck me in your direction. I wouldn't go with you even if my other option was Hades dragging me to the Underworld for an eternal threesome with Persephone.”
— Amanda Bouchet,
“Do you see that man in the black Porsche?" I asked the women.They squinted out at Ranger. "Yes," they said."Your partner.""He's homeless. He's looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in renting Singh's room."Mrs.Apusenja's eyes widened. "We could use the income."She looked at Nonnie and then back at Ranger. "Is he married?""Nope. He's single. He's a real catch."Connie did something between a gasp and a snort and buried her head back behind the computer. "Thank you for everything." Mrs.Apusenja said. "I suppose you are not such a bad slut. I will go talk to your partner.:"Omigod," Connie said, when the door closed behind the Apusenja's. "Ranger's going to kill you." The Apusenjas stood beside the Porsche, talkig to Ranger for a few long minutes, giving him the big sales pitch. The pitch wound down, Ranger responded, and Mrs. Apusenja looked disappointed. The two women crossed the road and got into the burgundy Escort and quickly drove away. Ranger turned his head in my direction and our eyes met. His expression was still bemused, but this time it was the sort of bemused expression a kid has when he's pulling the wings off a fly."Uh-Oh,"Connie said. I whipped around and faced Connie. "Quick, give me an FTA. You're backed up, right? For God's sake, give me something fast. I need a reason to stand here until he calms down!" Connie shoved a pile of folders at me. "Pick one. Any one! Oh shit, he's getting out of his car."....He leaned into me and his lips brushed the shell of my ear. "Feeling playful?""I don't know what you're talking about.""Watch your back babe. I will get even."-Ranger and Stephanie”
— Janet Evanovich,
“Is there any good news?' Tesla said.Who ever promised that? Who ever said there'd be  good  news?”
— Clive Barker,
“Why?' He asked.'Why what?' What could I say? Noah, despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I'd like to rip off your clothes and have your babies. Don't tell.”
— Michelle Hodkin,
“I read the title from the cover. ' 'The joy of... crap.' ' I read the rest of the full title of the thick, nondescript volume to myself and felt myself redden.Noah turned over on to his side and said with mock seriousness, 'I have never read 'The Joy Of Crap'. Sounds disgusting.' I blushed deeper. 'I have, however, read 'The Joy Of Sex.' ' He continued, a smile transforming his face. 'Not in a while, but I think it's one of those classics you can come back to again... and again.”
— Michelle Hodkin,
“That's the problem with best friends. Sometimes they know you better than you know yourself.”
— Cecily von Ziegesar,
“I think you’re wonderful.” “Wonderful, huh?” “Yep,” I say, and link my arm in his. “You’re smart and funny and kind and — ” “Handsome,” he says. “Don’t forget handsome." “And very handsome”
— Tahereh Mafi,
“My tiny scary friend is coming”
— Laini Taylor,
“Marc’s hand tightened visibly around Kevin’s fingers, his digits going white. Again. Both men clenched their jaws, Kevin in pain, and Marc in an obvious effort to control his temper and keep from breaking Kevin’s hand. Off. Why couldn’t guys find a more original way to test each other’s manly prowess? Arm wrestling might have been more subtle. Or maybe comparing the length of their…canines.”
— Rachel Vincent,
“Anyway... she knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a horse who knows a goat who knows another horse-”
— Rick Riordan,
“Meet Tony. My first chest hair. I called him Tony as he’s Tony one I got,” Connor laughed.Jason laughed at his joke at first and then as fast as lightning grabbed Connor’s only chest hair and plucked it.“Tony one you had,” Jason corrected.”
— Mark A. Cooper,
“What? Quinn's one of them? I just thought he was an a*shole!”
— Simon Holt,
“Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!”
— Rick Riordan,
“Isn't that someone we know?" asked Horace. He pointed to where a cloaked figure sat by the side of the road a few hundred meters away, arms wrapped around his knees. Close by him, a small shaggy horse cropped the grass growing at the edge of the drainage ditch that ran beside the road."So it is," Halt replied. "And he seems to have brought Will with him.”
— John Flanagan,
“Somehow, Sydney had an internal clock that told her when time was up. I think it was part of her inherent ability to keep track of a hundred things at once. Not me. In these moments, my thoughts were usually focused on getting her shirt off and whether I’d get past the bra this time. So far, I hadn’t.”
— Richelle Mead,
“The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.”
— David Sedaris,
“I'm healthy as an ox. And you?" "To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insulting, but I'm fit as ever, if that is what you are asking.”
— Christopher Paolini,
“There had to be a circle of Hell where you were eternally fourteen, eternally in junior high. One of the lower circles.”
— Laurell K. Hamilton,
“There's no equality in the blow job, if all you ever do is suck at it!”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“Are you okay with what we ordered?” Angeline asked him. “You didn’t pipe up with any requests.” Neil shook his head, face stoic. He kept his dark hair in a painfully short and efficient haircut. It was the kind of no-nonsense thing the Alchemists would’ve loved. “I can’t waste time quibbling over trivial things like pepperoni and mushrooms. If you’d gone to my school in Devonshire, you’d understand. For one of my sophomore classes, they left us alone on the moors to fend for ourselves and learn survival skills. Spend three days eating twigs and heather, and you’ll learn not to argue about any food coming your way.” Angeline and Jill cooed as though that was the most rugged, manly thing they’d ever heard. Eddie wore an expression that reflected what I felt, puzzling over whether this guy was as serious as he seemed or just some genius with swoon-worthy lines.”
— Richelle Mead,
“I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan mail.. . . Gladys Gudgeon writes weekly. . . . I just wish I knew why. . . .”He paused, looking faintly puzzled, then beamed again and returned to his signing with renewed vigor. “I suspect it is simply my good looks. . . .”
— J.K. Rowling,
“Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners.”
— Patricia Briggs,
“You've brushed your teeth," He says, staring at me."I used your toothbrush."His lips quirk up in a half smile. "Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?”
— E.L. James,
“Barzûl!”
— Christopher Paolini,
“I had died and woken up in High School Musical”
— Jamie McGuire,
“Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten."My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look. Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right. "It's Cat," I repeated firmly. "Cat Raven.""Whatever you say, Kitten Tweedy.”
— Jeaniene Frost,
“So the plan wasn't a clusterfuck, it was just circling the clusterfuck target zone, getting ready to come in for a landing.”
— Martha Wells,
“This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.”
— P.G. Wodehouse
“Trust her; we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.”
— Sandi Lynn,
“There was the smell of old books, a smell that has a way of making all libraries seem the same. Some say that smell is asbestos. ”
— Scott Douglas,
“Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service.Shut up.Thank you.Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. Thank you for making a simple door very happy.Hope your diodes rot.Thank you. Have a nice day.Stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. It is my pleasure to open for you...Zark off....and my satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done.I said zark off.Thank you for listening to this message.”
— Douglas Adams
“Nerd life is just so much better than regular life.”
— John Green
“What is it about hairdressers? You tell them 'not too short' and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as 'whack the shit out of it.' If you never say, 'not too short,' everything is fine. You say it, & it's a guarantee you'll come out ready for the military>”
— Deb Caletti,
“The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.”
— Robert A. Heinlein,
“You all right, man?' This should be my name. I could be like a super hero: You All Right Man. Ah...' I stumble.Don't bug Craig,' Ronny is like. 'He's in the Craig zone. He's Craig-ing out.”
— Ned Vizzini,
“I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss.”
— Stephen King
“And it's really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!”
— Susan Kay,
“Plus, in one of his e-mails, the guy said he didn't like pancakes. What kind of asshole doesn't like pancakes? ”
— A.J. Jacobs,
“pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!”
— John Green,
“Try again, I've gotten much better at detecting your bullshit”
— Alexandra Bracken,
“Prove to me that you are not a figment of my imagination.Am I a computer simulation?Does the door swing both ways?How can something come from nothing? How do you know a line is straight?If animals wanted to be eaten, would it be okay?If time stopped then stared again, would we know about it?What happens when you get scared half to death twice?What is creationism?What is ethical?”
— Jessica Park,
“Lusty blacksmiths and naughty princesses. Now that's scary”
— Simon Holt,
“Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one?" she asked him, indulging herself and letting her head rest on his shoulder. God, he felt good. Her man. Where her head was meant to lie, right there, on him. "What's the difference?""A Northern one starts 'once upon a time,' while a Southern one starts 'y'all ain't going to believe this shit.”
— Erin McCarthy,
“Ow, Todd? Ow?”
— Patrick Ness,
“Would you have done that in his place? Would you have left him and gone on?""Of course I would!" Halt replied immediately. But something in his voice rang false and Horse looked at him, raising one eyebrow. He'd waited a long time for an opportunity to use that expression of disbelief on Halt.After a pause, the Ranger's anger subsided."All right. Perhaps I wouldn't," he admitted. Then he glared at Horace. "And stop raising that eyebrow on me. You can't even do it properly. Your other eyebrow moves with it!”
— John Flanagan,
“In this world only the paranoid survive.”
— Dean Koontz,
“That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other friend can fly.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Boy, you knock on the devil's door and he will head slam you through the wall.”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“I'll get them out and come back. I promise.""On your word as a cutthroat and a pirate?"He touched my cheek once, briefly. "Privateer."Another explosion rocked the grounds."Let's go!" shouted Mal.As we sprinted into the tunnel, I glanced back and saw Nikolai silhouetted against the purple twilight. I wondered if I'd ever see him again.”
— Leigh Bardugo,
“You’re far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You’re far better suited as a wife.”
— Lisa Kleypas,
“Always drink upstream from the herd.”
— Will Rogers
“All right I think we've been down here in the dark long enough. There's a whole other world upstairs. Take my hand, Constant Reader, and I'll be happy to lead you back into the sunshine. I'm happy to go there because I believe most people are essentially good. I know that I am. It's you I'm not entirely sure of.”
— Stephen King,
“Caroline, do you value your neck?""Yes, I'm rather fond of it. Why?""Because if you don't shut up, I'm going to wring it.”
— Julia Quinn,
“He thinks things through too much.”
— Stephenie Meyer,
“He watched in awe as she stacked up an enormous armload of music. "There," she finished, slapping Frank Zappa's Greatest Hits on top of the pile. "That should do for a start." "You are a music lover," said the wide-eyed cashier. "No, I'm a kleptomaniac." And she dashed out the door. He was so utterly shocked that it took him a moment to run after her. With a meaningful nod in the direction of the astounded Cahills, she barreled down the cobblestone street with her load. "Fermati!" shouted the cashier, scrambling in breathless pursuit. Nellie let a few CDs drop and watched with satisfaction over her shoulder as the clerk stopped to pick them up. The trick would be to keep the chase going just long enough for Amy and Dan to search Disco Volante. Yikes, she reflected suddenly, I'm starting to think like a Cahill.... And if she was nuts enough to hang around this family, it was only going to get worse.”
— Gordon Korman,
“I’m busy, you’re busy, everybody’s busy. I’ve got a lot I want to say to you, though.” “All right,” Pia told her. “Hit me with it.” “First, I’m so sorry about what my uncle Urien did to you guys. I hate him, he killed my family, and we’re going to cut off his head, and then I have to be Queen, but before that happens let’s do lunch, okay?”
— Thea Harrison,
“No,” Shane said. “I’m not leaving you two here alone. We stick together.”“I’m still not kissing you,” Michael said.“Tease.”
— Rachel Caine,
“CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried.”
— Gena Showalter,
“Every time you try to flirt with her, a puppy dies.”
— Maureen Johnson,
“Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.”
— Leslie Nielsen
“The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.”
— Bauvard,
“Okay, I'll wear the Bite Me shirt,[...]It'll be my standard response to any­one who tries to hit on me." I giggle. "Someone can come up and be like 'Hey babe, what's your sign?' and I'll just point to my shirt." Rayne laughs appreciatively and tosses me the tank top. "Of course they might think you're pointing to your boobs in a 'have at 'em, big boy' kind of way.”
— Mari Mancusi,
“The small amount of foolery wise men have makes a great show.”
— William Shakespeare
“You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh.”
— John Green,
“When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you are angry.”
— Amit Kalantri
“Want to dance? We have music this time. And I don't have to punch you when we finish.”
— Amy Tintera
“We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“We were talking about the prince,' Sansa said, her voice soft as a kiss.Arya knew which prince she meant: Joffrey, of course. The tall, handsome one. Sansa got to sit with him at the feast. Arya had to sit with the little fat one. Naturally.”
— George R.R. Martin,
“You’re a total catch.” “I know, right? I keep trying to tell people.”
— Tahereh Mafi,
“Isobel moved farther into the kitchen, not knowing whether to be relieved that her mother hadn't had an atomic meltdown, or mortified that she'd taken it upon herself to play head chef with the nearest thing Trenton High had to a Dark Lord.”
— Kelly Creagh,
“HERE LIES THE MYSTERY PISSERP.I.P.”
— Wendelin Van Draanen,
“Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.”
— Bauvard,
“I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.”
— E.A. Bucchianeri,
“Right. So no plans at all then?"Jenna frowned. "Other than rocking in the fetal position for a while?""Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry," Archer offered.”
— Rachel Hawkins,