Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. "We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!”
— Ellen DeGeneres,
“Real men don't lift weights, they lift women.”
— Every male ballet dancer
“Simon turned to Jordan, who was lying down across the futon, his head propped against one of the woven throw pillows. "How much of that did you hear?""Enough to gather that we're going to a party tonight," said Jordan. "I heard about the Ironworks event. I'm not in the Garroway pack, so I wasn't invited.""I guess you're coming as my date now." Simon shoved the phone back into his pocket. "I'm secure enough in my masculinity to accept that," said Jordan. "We'd better get you something nice to wear, though," he called as Simon headed back into his room. "I want you to look pretty.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?”
— Hannah Harrington,
“It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.”
— Ellen DeGeneres,
“The music department is going to do a musical next year," he tells me, rolling his eyes like I would.Justine is running toward me, and I can tell by the look on her face that she's found out about the musical, too.I sigh, shaking my head. "I have to give Justine a lesson in holding back," I tell him. "She's just way too enthusiastic".She grabs my arms in excitement. "We're doing Les Mis."I scream hysterically, clutching her as we jump up and down.”
— Melina Marchetta,
“You're right, my problems are the biggest problems ever," George said. "No, honestly, it's horrible to be me. I'm rich, talented, and I make girls cry.""How do you make girls cry, exactly?"George turned to her. His blue eyes widened. His lovely face took on a forlorn, deeply troubled expression. He leaned forward, and, in a theatrical whisper, said, "My past is tragic. I wouldn't want to burden you with it. It's a pain I must suffer alone. In the rain. In silence.”
— Ilona Andrews,
“Something about this made Reynie uneasy. Had he done so badly? Was this meant to test his courage? He did as he was told, closing his eyes and bracing himself as best he could."Why are you flinching?" the pencil woman asked."I don't know. I thought maybe you were going to slap me.""Don't be ridiculous. I could slap you perfectly well with your eyes open. I'm only going to blindfold you.”
— Trenton Lee Stewart,
“I am who I say I am,I'm not some fantasyof how you think you think you knowor who I ought to be.I am a girl who is growing up in my own sweet time,I am a girl who knows enoughto know this life is mine.I am this and I am that andI am everything in-between.I'm a dreamer, I'm a dancer,I'm a part-time drama queen.I'm a worrier, I'm a warrior,I'm a loner and a friend,I'm an outspoken defenderof justice to the end.I'm the girl in the mirror who likes the girl she sees,I'm the girl in the gypsy shawlwith music in her knees.I'm a singer and a scholar,I'm a girl who has been kissed.I'm a solver of equationswearing bangles on my wrist.I am bigger than i ever knew,I am stronger than before,I am every girl I have ever been,and all that are in store.I am who I say I am.I'm not some fantasy.I am the me I am inside.I am whoI choseto be.”
— James Howe
“...Neferet fell smack on her butt.”
— P.C. Cast,
“I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G.""Sausages.”
— Adam Rex,
“Did I hurt you in the parking lot?""No, m'lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car."Great.”
— Ilona Andrews,
“And you are the girl's bitch, forever.”
— Alison Goodman,
“People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church. —Mrs. Miracle”
— Debbie Macomber,
“Vous eprouves trop d'emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a coat? And regard what you have done to my pyjamas. If the hairwash breaks what will befall them?''Good heavens, Poirot,' I cried, 'this is a matter of life and death. What does it matter what happens to our clothes?''You have no sense of proportion Hastings. We cannot catch a train earlier than the time that it leaves, and to ruin one's clothes will not be the least helpful in preventing a murder.”
— Agatha Christie,
“No, officer, I have no idea why I'm wearing this possum costume. I called you what? OH. My bad."-Nastasya”
— Cate Tiernan,
“Francesca took a navy blue sheath from a hanger and held it up. "This is darling, Gabriel. Don't you love it? You're right, I think we need to concentrate on much more feminine articles of clothing."He reached around her and fingered the soft material. "Where is the rest of it?" He was very serious, his dark eyes searching her face for signs she was teasing.”
— Christine Feehan,
“Funyuns make you fart," Caspian said, and I exploded in laughter."What's so funny?" Ben asked.I tried to stop laughing, but Caspian was leaning forward now, his face stck right in between us. "Funyuns give you bad breath, too. Not very attractive to the ladies." He paused. "ON second thought... enjoy your Funyuns, Ben!" I had to bite the side of my cheek to keep from giggling. The fact that Ben had no clue what was going on made it even harder to stop.”
— Jessica Verday,
“He glanced up once, eyes bored. “Please stop talking. I’m trying to eat.”
— Kate Avery Ellison,
“She went back to Shane and settles in on his lap again, arm around his neck. His circled her waist. "I thought you had to go," he said. "And don't think i didn't see you kissing on my best friend.""He deserved it.""Yeah. Maybe i ought to kiss him, too."Michael, on his way out, didn't bother to turn around for that one. "Oh sure, you always promise.”
— Rachel Caine  Black Dawn
“On the board was a list of words and phrases which her mother considered not suitable for use in college T-shirt design. She had been asked about them so often that in the end she had started a blacklist of banned words to which everyone could refer. Every time someone thought of a new one, she unflinchingly wrote it down...Rose read through the list, and turned back to her letter.These are the words I learned to spell in Mummy's art class today, she wrote, and sighed a little as she began the tedious job of copying from the board.”
— Hilary McKay,
“...what was the good of being a movie werewolf? You howled at the moon; you couldn't remember what you did, and then somebody shot you.”
— Anne Rice,
“Just in case you get any ideas, know that I’ll be sleeping with a can of Mace in one hand and pepper spray in the other.” - KatieJorlan's expression turned mocking. “Just in case you get any ideas, know that I’ll be sleeping with a feather in one hand and massage oil in the other.”
— Gena Showalter,
“Christopher throws dandelion head after dandelion head into his bag. It's getting heavy now and his fingers are stained from the work but there are still so many left to kill. His biggest mistake is giving them names.”
— Brian Martinez,
“Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off"- Cruz”
— Derrolyn Anderson,
“Oh, Micheal darling!""Don't call me darling, I'm a driving instructor!”
— Hilary McKay,
“I want to do it too!” said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless.“Nope,” said Nudge, shaking her head. “You stand out like a fart in church.”
— James Patterson,
“They arrived home again to a most peculiar sight. The small garden at the front of the Banana House had been transformed. A tidal wave of cushions, beanbags, quilts, hearth rugs, and sleeping bags appeared to have swept up the lawn and broken at the wall. From Indigo's window a multicolored rope of knotted bedsheets came snaking out and ended among the cushions. As Micheal and Caddy watched, a mattress emerged and fell to the ground, followed by a rain of pillows."Indigo!" shouted Caddy, jumping out of the car.Indigo's and Rose's heads appeared in the window above."It's all right, Caddy!" Indigo called cheerfully. "We've been doing it all the time you've been gone.""We keep finding more stuff to land on!" added Rose. "Look!”
— Hilary McKay,
“She was my friend because she was kind and funny but she had a face like two oysters fused together in a Star Trek matter transporter accident.”
— Andrew Hinkinson-Hodnett,
“Her hands shot up. “See that’s exactly what I’m saying. You’re seeing what you want, and what you see you explain away and excuse things like you’re fixing me. I’m not perfect, Ephraim and I really wish you would see that.”	“You drool.” 	“What?” That caught her off guard.	“When you’re asleep you drool. I’ve woken up more than a few times with a little puddle forming on my chest.” After a thought he added. “And you snore. Not a delicate snore either mind you.”	“I do not!” Her face colored with indignation.	He sighed heavily as if the knowledge pained him. “Oh, but you do. I’ve even heard Jill talk about it. Did you know that’s the main reason she was happy about her room. Actually, she and Joshua thanked your Grandmother for putting you at the other end of the house, something about finally getting a decent night’s sleep. They compared your snore to a chainsaw. I can see why they’d say that.”
— R.L. Mathewson,
“If fucking up is power, I should be the Hulk by now.”
— Richard Kadrey,
“The brain can be a dangerous thing. Even more so if you haven't got one.”
— Dave Courtney,
“Does the giraffe know what he's for? Or care? Or even think about his place in things? A giraffe has a black tongue twenty-seven inches long and no vocal cords. A giraffe has nothing to say. He just goes on giraffing.”
— Robert Fulghum,
“I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...”
— Woody Allen
“The policemen agreed they were living with a most peculiar fellow. One moment he was reading classical literature in the original French and quoting Tennyson, and the next he would be discussing the best way to blow up a train.”
— Ben MacIntyre,
“Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.”
— Terry Pratchett,
“If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.”
— Richard Kadrey,
“Remove yourself, sir!”
— David McCullough,
“Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.”
— Derek The Ghost,
“I strike fear into you because I am a man?""It isn't funny.""I do not laugh. It is a sad thing, yes, that your husband is a man. A very terrible thing.”
— Catherine Anderson,
“Do you prefer to be called Richard or Dick?” “Ric.” “Dick? I'll make a note of that on your file.” I spoke aloud as I wrote. “Patient prefers to be called Dick.”
— Zathyn Priest ,
“I snatched up the cardboard cup, plastered my lips to the plastic sippy-lid and sucked down a scalding hot mouthful. It burned, but I didn’t give a damn. I held the cup to my chest as if it were my most special friend while feeling the instant affect the coffee had on my mood and I smiled. “Hello lover.”
— Ethan Day,
“Tell the Queen that there's been a robin red-breast hanging about Kotir grounds. It flies down low and vanishes near the floor. Cludd thinks it might be something to do with those woodlanders. Now, I'm to say nothing to Fortunata or Ashleg...'I must tell the Queen that a robin has seen Cludd hanging about. No, that's not right. I must tellt he robin taht Cludd has been hanging the Queen.”
— Brian Jacques,
“Good dog! Nice fetch!""He wasn't fetching.""Bring her here, boy. Good job!"The dog looked from Zack to me."I've been training him," Zack said. "Up till now he's brought home only dead rabbits, but I guess he's finally getting the hang of it.”
— Elizabeth Chandler,
“Well," Mr. Cheeseman interjected. "Perhaps there's an easy solution to this. Maybe Captain Fabulous has an alter ego.""What's an alter ego?" asked Gerard."It's a superhero's true but secret identity," said Chip. "You know, the way that Superman is really Clark Kent." "Superman is really Clark Kent?""It's pretty obvious," said Penny. "To everyone but you and Lois Lane.""Okay," Gerard conceded. "Captain Fabulous's alter ego will be...Teddy Roosevelt.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“Cat's friends seemed like very sweet girls," Dad says."They were the bomb," I say fervently, and he looks back at me with raised eyebrows."'The bomb' is a good thing? Like 'sick'?"Duh," I reply, and Dad lets out a sigh."Thirteen-year-olds should come with subtitles," he says, turning onto our street.”
— Maya Gold,
“I’m trying to decide whether to tell you two to get a room or go barf in the trash can,” Emma said. “I’m leaning toward the second choice. You are both getting way too weird. And gross.”Cal barked out a laugh and slid his fingers down my arm to entwine with mine. His touch, and Emma’s comments, only made me blush more. Looks like Emma saw Cal lick my face after all. Now that wasn’t awkward or anything.”
— E.J. Stevens,
“A little vanilla never hurt anybody.” He nipped her ankle. “Great shoes by the way. Sexy as hell.”
— Hanna Lui,
“Paddy Eagan, stay away from falling signs for a bit and you'll be as right as rain come the weekend.”
— Elizabeth C. Bunce,
“I love the world, just, you know...not the people in it.”
— Hannah Vandegrift
“The following ten throws went a variety of places. I never hit the target, but I was getting closer. Isabella was laughing so hard she wrote "Please stop can't breathe" in the dirt with her finger.”
— Jim Benton,
“Given a choice between goose egg and heartache, I would choose heartache.”
— Santosh Kalwar
“You’re starting to look like you did before, and that’s not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get up and go to bed so I can stop acting like your mother. I can already feel my balls starting to recede. And hey, does it look like I’m growing breasts? - Kye”
— Krista Alasti,
“maybe somebody finally shot the dog.”
— Dave Barry,
“Are you sure you can't dematerialize? Not even a little?" "I'm sure.”
— Lauren Oliver,
“I can be a gentleman off and on. When the urge hits me. - Tran”
— Krista Alasti,
“I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.”
— Steven Wright
“Don’t do it gurl,” he said with a wink. “You need to pretend like that phone is your best friend’s husband’s dick now drop it.”
— Ethan Day,
“Okay, well I think the programme is like being screamed at for an hour by a drunk with a strobe-light, but like I said--”
— David Nicholls,
“Whew,” he said. “You clean up good. You don’t look like the same girl.”She frowned right before she laughed. “Do women usually thank you for saying things like that?”
— Robyn Carr,
“Dean: Don't you find that somewhat of an aberration? Doesn't this disturb you my dear? After all, it's not normal. Molly: I know it's not normal for people in this world to be happy, and I'm happy.”
— Rita Mae Brown,
“As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a leaky boat. Well, except for that fact that boats are not generally round, orange and on fire. Hmm. Come to think of it, in no way whatsoever did the sun, in this instance, resemble a leaky boat. My apologies. That was a dreadful attempt at simile. Please allow me to try again. As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a self-luminous, gaseous sphere comprised mainly of of hydrogen and helium.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“Hey, Geekoid!" yelled Duncan Dougal, "Why do you read so much? Don't you know how to watch TV?”
— Bruce Coville,
“PRECOGNITION, TELEPATHY, BULLSHIT! EAT MY DONG, YOU EXTRASENSORY TURKEY!”
— Stephen King,
“Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it rained, the worse they suffered. The worse they suffered, the more they prayed that it would continue raining. All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars. All through the day, they looked at the bomb line on the big, wobbling easel map of Italy that blew over in the wind and was dragged in under the awning of the intelligence tent every time the rain began. The bomb line was a scarlet band of narrow satin ribbon that delineated the forward most position of the Allied ground forces in every sector of the Italian mainland.For hours they stared relentlessly at the scarlet ribbon on the map and hated it because it would not move up high enough to encompass the city.When night fell, they congregated in the darkness with flashlights, continuing their macabre vigil at the bomb line in brooding entreaty as though hoping to move the ribbon up by the collective weight of their sullen prayers. "I really can't believe it," Clevinger exclaimed to Yossarian in a voice rising and falling in protest and wonder. "It's a complete reversion to primitive superstition. They're confusing cause and effect. It makes as much sense as knocking on wood or crossing your fingers. They really believe that we wouldn't have to fly that mission tomorrow if someone would only tiptoe up to the map in the middle of the night and move the bomb line over Bologna. Can you imagine? You and I must be the only rational ones left."In the middle of the night Yossarian knocked on wood, crossed his fingers, and tiptoed out of his tent to move the bomb line up over Bologna.”
— Joseph Heller,
“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.”
— Bob Hope
“I have heard stories that it was love at first sight for both of us, that we disappeared to a guest room at Merle's house, had our meals sent up, and didn't emerge for several days. This is absolutely untrue. I would never behave like that as a guest in someone's home. Carlos and I went to my beach house. ”
— Martha Graham,
“The Puffer Fish: Wherein the author flaunts his vocabulary.His father was IRA and his mother was Quebecois, and they had reliquished their mortal coils in the internecine conflagration that ended their conjoined separatist movement, IRA-Q. The appellation he was given by his progenitors was Ray O'Vaque ("Like the battery," he'd elucidate, with an adamantine stare that proscribed any mirth). In his years of incarceration, however, he had earned the sobriquet "Uncle Milty" for his piscine amatory habits.He had been emancipated from the penitentiary for three weeks, and now his restless peregrinations had conveyed him to this liminal place, seeking compurgation in the permafrost of the hyperborean tundra, which was an apt analogue of the permafrost in his heart. He insinuated himself into the caravansary with nugatory expectations, which were confirmed by the exiguous provisions for comfort. But then the bartender looked up from laving the begrimed bar, his eyes growing luminous as he ejactulated, "Milt!”
— Howard Mittelmark,
“We must eschew anything trivial. We must embrace all that is frivolous.... Trivial things take up all your time and dull your senses, whereas frivolity is meaningful, profound, worth living and dying for.... If we devote our lives to frivolity, the world will be a far, far better place. Humanity will be better able to fulfill its primary goal, that of having a good time.”
— Cynthia Heimel
“I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.”
— Mark Twain,
“Hey!" Sam snapped, ducking the sticky shrapnel. "Keep your snot to yourself."Dev scoffed at that. "Oh, so now you don't want to touch me, huh?" He tsked. "What is it with women? the instant you put a little slime on them, they get squeamish and have no more use for you.”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“Back from where? you're not going out again and leaving me here are you?? Holy Hercules I sound like somebody's wife”
— Ruth Downie,
“I beg your pardon; I am drunk without a drink. English wine & words are vulnerable to every man.”
— Santosh Kalwar
“He's getting away you idiots! Shoot him. I'm wearing Spider-Man underpants!”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“Robert said, "This is great, huh? Sorry to butt in and everything, but I really need the extra points. For my grade."Ben nodded and tried to smile. Right, for his grade. He probably wanted to get an A++ in social studies instead of just an A+”
— Andrew Clements,
“Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.”
— Satchel Paige
“What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?”
— William Shakespeare,
“Waiters are the help, dear. It's like falling in love with a blender!”
— Daniel Nayeri,
“...which, of course, is how I developed my love for both Kabuki theater and marshmallow Peeps.”
— Jimmy Gownley,
“Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher.”
— Brett Tate
“I only hope, for the sake of the rising male sex generally, that you may be found in as vulnerable and soft-hearted a mood by the first eligible young fellow who appeals to your compassion.”
— Charles Dickens,
“Tom Cruise isn't that big of a guy," my mom always says. I love how she tries to avoid using the word "short."Yeah," I tell her in return, "but he compensates by being Tom Cruise."Not that anyone really wants to BE Tom Cruise anymore now that he's a crazy couch jumper. But whatever.”
— A.E. Cannon,
“Brooke?" he finally found the sense to ask. "What are you doing here?""I need a gun."This was not how his dream was supposed to go.”
— Shannon K. Butcher,
“I can never be perfectly certain whether Helen was got with child by Leonard Bast or by his fatal forgotten umbrella. All things considered, I think it must have been the umbrella.”
— Katherine Mansfield
“Miłość jest jak wędlina: jest salami i jest mortadela.”
— Carlos Ruiz Zafón,
“We have truth in order not to die of art.”
— Steve Aylett
“Jay lurched in one direction, jerked back, lurched in another, tripped for no reason. He finally made it through a gauntlet of invisible obstacles and crouched behind a water fountain shaped like a hippopotamous throwing up.”
— Adam Rex,
“I had to say it gave me a warm feeling to picture Meredith Winslow spending twenty years or so in an ill fitting orange jumpsuit, cozying up to a great big girl named Beulah”
— Kate Carlisle,
“Elisandra read while I tried my hand at embroidering a pillowcase that she lent me. The results were execrable. I had no skill with a needle, and no desire to learn, either."I wouldn't shame a dog by laying this upon his bed," I remarked, showing Elisandra my efforts. She actually smiled."I like it," she said. "I'll put it on one of my pillows.""Bryan won't let you sleep in the same bed with him if you bring this as your dowry," I said with an attempt at humor.She bent her head back over her book. "Then stitch me another.”
— Sharon Shinn,
“This one's for Alaska Young!”
— John Green,
“There, at her console, he dialed 594: pleased acknowledgement of husband's superior wisdom in all matters”
— Philip K. Dick,
“When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.”
— Albert Einstein