Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“(Sookie's Thoughts on Debbie Pelt) she had been cruel to Alcide, insulted me grievously, burned a hole in my favorite wrap and—oh—tried to kill me by proxy. Also, she had stupid hair.”
— Charlaine Harris,
“Standing in the corridor was a large plastic bin on wheels. He looked inside. Empty tins of dog food. That explained the spaghetti with meat sauce. Oh well, he'd eaten worse.”
— Charlie Higson,
“I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby.”
— Criss Jami,
“Bücher haben Ehrgefühl. Wenn man sie verleiht, kommen sie nicht mehr zurück.”
— Theodor Fontane
“Brilliance is impossible without a touch of insanity.”
— Skyla Madi,
“You guys dated, didn’t you?”“Are you insane? Not even if the continuation of our kind depended on it would I be tempted to do something so awful.”
— Rachel  Morgan,
“you're so full of shit, you ought to be a cow manure”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“Dora can marry anyone she likes when she’s old enough, and I can say with absolute certainty that it won’t be anyone at this table.”
— MsKingBean89,
“Haskell to QuinlinYou need anything, Quin, absolutely anything, you call me and I'll be there. Remember, friends help you move. Good friends help you move a body. Best friends bring their own shovel. You say the word, and I'll be there with a spanking new shovel. Or holy water and an exorcism ritual. Whatever works.”
— I.D. Locke,
“REAL LIFE vs THE MOVIESBreaking Up in the Movies:Boy #1: This isn’t working out, is it?Boy #2: Sort of not, huh?Boy #1: You can’t say we didn’t try.Boy #2: We sure did. Besides, we’re still best friends.Boy #1: Forever.Boy #2: This is terrific pasta.Breaking Up for Real:Boy #1: Are you asleep?Boy #2: Does it sound like it?Boy #1: I’m sorry about the tuna fish.Boy #2: It isn’t the tuna fish! It’s the last six months!Boy #1: You’re an asshole.Boy #2: Let go of my cock.”
— Steve Kluger,
“Well, remember, active Grims can't have children. Fertility is adversley affected by the proximity to the ether, to Elixir, and all sorts of other components-- plus, the Grimsphere is no place to raise a family, even if woman conceive here."Lex snuck a glance at Driggs, but Uncle Mort caught her."That doesn't mean you get a free pass to ride the baloney pony when ever you want to. Got it?”
— Gina Damico,
“I've died before. It was boring, so I stood up.”
— Warren Ellis,
“There have been two great narcotics in European civilisation: Christianity and alcohol.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche
“Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged swordKit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)”
— Lemony Snicket
“Check thyself before thy wreck thyself.”
— Tyler Oakley
“She sighed. Loudly. "Physical appearance is not what is important."Yeah right. Tell that to any girl who hasn't bothered to put on a presentable shirt or fix her hair because she's only running into the grocery store to get a quart of milk for her grandmother, and who does she see tending the 7-ITEMS-OR-LESS cash register but the guy of her dreams, except she can't even say hi—much less try to develop a meaningful relationship—since she looks like the poster child for the terminally geeky.”
— Vivian Vande Velde,
“I couldn't think of anything helpful to say, so I resorted to humor, my shield of last resort. 'Just please tell me they don't have a dog and a picket fence.'He smiled. 'No fence, but a dog, two dogs.''What kind of dogs?' I asked.He smiled and glanced at me, wanting to see my reaction. 'Maltese. Their names are Peeka and Boo.''Oh, shit, Edward, you're joking me.''Donna wants the dogs included in the engagement pictures.'I stared at him, and the look on my face seemed to amuse him. He laughed. 'I'm glad you're here, Anita, because I don't know a single other person who I'd have admitted this to.”
— Laurell K. Hamilton,
“How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck chlamydia?”
— Sarah Mlynowski,
“Bug spray.” Mosquitoes never bother me, but apparently they eat Tucker alive if he forgets bug spray. So I wear it for solidarity. “All the kids wearit,” I explain to Mom. “They say the mosquito is the Wyoming state bird.”
— Cynthia Hand,
“Nothing says awkward like coming in your pants while dry humping.”
— Jay McLean,
“[Kagura is doing laundry and tries to wring out Kyou's shirt causing it to rip in two ]  Kyo Sohma: Tell me what I think just happened didn't just happen  Kagura: My love ! Kyo Sohma: My shirt!”
— Natsuki Takaya
“I know more damn perverts, at schools and all, than anybody you ever met, and they’re always being perverty when I’m around.”
— J.D. Salinger,
“She called me ‘my lady,’ ” she told him in a plaintive voice. “I don’t know who that is. I’m no lady.” The last of his fury faded away to be replaced with a quick gleam. He peered under the sheet. “I can attest to that.”
— Thea Harrison,
“Maybe she should cut the guy a little slack, [...] Maybe Thorne had been a no-show because something bad happened to him on the job.What if he'd been injured in the line of duty and didn't come by as promised because he was incapacitated in some way? Maybe he hadn't called to apologize or to explain his absence because he physically couldn't. Right. And maybe she had checked her brain into her panties from the second she first laid eyes on the man.”
— Lara Adrian,
“As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.”
— George Carlin
“Hackers are nerdy, pasty, tubby, little geeks with triple thick glasses and this is probably a demented otaku with smelly feet. So catching him will be a breeze!”
— Keiko Nobumoto,
“He made a sound of disgust in the back of his throat. "Oh thank you so much. That's what every man wants to hear about his name. You might as well call me 'Little Pecker' while you're at it and tell me you would love to have me go shopping with you for feminine hygiene products. Oh and by all means, carry a big, sparkling pink bag with flowers on it and make me hold it.”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“Why me?" I blurted out, and then closed my eyes briefly. "Okay. Don't answer that."The food arrived just then一thank God一and the conversation was deterred...for about two minutes. "I'm going to answer that question," Cam said, peering at me through his lashes.I wanted to face-plant my stuffed chicken. "You don't have to.""No, I think I do.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“When you sit that way, you look kind of like a beach ball with a head,” he continued. “Your haircut is really, really bad, I’m probably going to lose my job for helping you this way, and I’m dying to fuck you.” He glanced at her. “That honest enough for you?”
— Suzanne Brockmann,
“Excuse me?" I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. "Coffee? I thought we came here for pie." "I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here." I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked.”
— Janet Evanovich,
“Let your eyes talk, mouth listens and ear sleeps.”
— Santosh Kalwar
“I sort of fell.""Percy! Six hundred and thirty feet?”
— Rick Riordan,
“We were surrounded by thirty-foot-tall giants who were about to kill us. Then the sky opened up, and the gods descended.""Grandad," the kids said, "you are full of schist." "I'm not kidding!" he protested.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Most sane human beings who are over the age of six usually act or react not as per what they genuinely feel or really think but in accordance with the expectations of those around them.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana,
“I see uncool people!”
— Tonya Hurley,
“If you want to save your child from polio, you can pray or you can inoculate. ... Choose science.”
— Carl Sagan,
“This is a theater," Bertie, annoyed by the inquisition, dropped him onto stage. Several feet of slack cable landed atop the fairy in a slithering heap."Oh!" Peaseblossom said. "You've buried him alive!”
— Lisa Mantchev,
“Getting money from my dad is a finesse job. Luckily, I have finesse coming out of my arse. I barged into his study without knocking, marched across to his desk, and held out my hand. “Give me twenty pounds,” I snapped. “I need twenty pounds. Give it to me. Now!”
— Sarra Manning
“If all of your friends are morons is it afelony, a misdemeanor or an act of God ifyou blow their fucking heads off with athirty-eight magnum?”
— Bret Easton Ellis
“I had a dream about you last night.. you were trying to give coordinates to an apple”
— Nicole McKay,
“I wish my nose would blow me for once.”
— Brian Celio
“If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can't be solved, well you can always buy chocolate :)”
— Pablo
“I don’t dwell on the fact that I may have ridden on planes. That which I can’t remember having needed, I simply accept. It is the most preferable kind of self-insight: one that does not require any accompanying change in behavior.”
— Benson Bruno,
“the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.”
— Lemony Snicket,
“Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.”
— E.A. Bucchianeri,
“I said, names aren't important," he repeated. There was a silence between them for some seconds, then the Ranger said: "Do you know what is important?"Will shook his head."Supper is important!”
— John Flanagan,
“Jason hated being an old man.”
— Rick Riordan,
“First blood is mine.Last blood counts for more.--Artemis Entreri and Drizzt Do'Urden”
— R.A. Salvatore
“Goodfellow snickered."Wouldn't be any fun if we didn't run into some sort of catastrophe." Pulling his dagger ,he waved me on."After you,your highness.Puck to Ash”
— Julie Kagawa,
“[novan]: bassists are very good with their fingers[novan]: and some of us sing backup vocals, so that means we're good with our mouths too...(~ IM chat with Novan Chang, 18, bassist)”
— Jess C Scott,
“This means that I don't have to run faster than the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal, I just have to run faster than whoever is with me when the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal starts chasing us.”
— Jim Benton,
“He balled his hand into a fist. "You are such a bitch." "Woof, woof," I said.”
— Laurell K. Hamilton,
“This is precisely why I loathed being a teacher! Young people are so infernally convinced that they are absolutely right about everything. Has it not occurred to you, my poor puffed-up poppinjay, that there might be an excellent reason why the Headmaster of Hogwarts is not confiding every tiny detail of his plans to you? Have you never paused, while feeling hard-done-by, to note that following Dumbledore's orders has never yet led you into harm? No. No, like all young people, you are quite sure that you alone feel and think, you alone recognise danger, you alone are the only one clever enough to realise what the Dark Lord may be planning.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“I cook better than you," Nick corrected absently. "I think monkeys can probably be taught to cook better than you.""I'd like to have a monkey that cooked for me," said Jamie. " I would pay him in bananas. His name would be Alphonse.""I agree, that would be awesome." Mae said. "People would come for dinner just to see the monkey chef.""You're raving," Nick said, defrosting chicken in the microwave. Mae was a bit impressed with how he seemed to look at the appliance and instantly comprehend its mysteries, when she'd been heating up ready-made meals for years by a method of pressing random buttons and hoping. " I know that's the only way Jamie communicates with people, but I expected better of you, Mavis.""We're cutting out the whole Mavis thing right now, Nick," Mae said warningly."How many bananas would be good payment for a monkey?" Jamie wanted to know. " I would want to pay Alphonse a fair wage.”
— Sarah Rees Brennan,
“Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.”
— J.A. Saare,
“Use that fluff of yours you call a brain.”
— Agatha Christie,
“I moved to assist, but never got the chance. there was some pretty violent banging for a minute, and then a tearing sound. Finally the stall door flew open, and Ray's shirtless body emerged and started bitch-slapping everything in sight.His aim was off, probably due to the difficulty of having his eyes on the other side of the room, but he made up for it with sheer determination.”
— Karen Chance,
“Who-who are you?" Seth asked, hesitantly."Wh-what do you want?" How else was was I supposed to reply? The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.I mean, I'd only seen the movie like seventeen times. "I'm Luke Skywalker," I said. "I'm here to rescue you.”
— Meg Cabot,
“If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.”
— Bauvard,
“I don’t know who you think you are” — my mother’s voice was low and dangerous — “but if you don’t get out of my way right this instant, it won’t matter.”Adam was the Alpha werewolf in charge of the local pack. He was tough. He could be mean when he had to — and he wouldn’t stand a chance against my mom.”
— Patricia Briggs,
“Blackmailers never explain their thinking. They're like pirates that way. Dark-hearted, dangerous--- and cool like Johnny Depp.”
— Janette Rallison,
“She has to agree to have me. It could take some time, but I’m confident I can trick her into it.”
— Robyn Carr,
“I'm done. I'm going to go to bed and read important books about theater.""It would would be easier if you just said porn," Scarlett said."No idea what you're talking about. But knock first if you need me.”
— Maureen Johnson,
“Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain.”
— Thomas H. Huxley ,
“Any other iron on you?” he asked impatiently.“Just my tongue stud.”His look was a mixture of curiosity and horror.“I’m kidding, you idiot. Let’s go.”
— Kiersten White
“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”
— Steven Wright
“I was just turned last week. I'm a librarian."He stilled, as if I'd just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. "I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was a librarian by day, a call girl by--"I stopped him with a quick lift of an eyebrow. "If you finish that sentence, we cannot be friends.”
— Molly Harper,
“Just stay close to us. If we get in trouble, we'll kill everything.”
— Ilona Andrews,
“Mark, some answers to your earlier questions: No, we will not tell our Botany Team to "Go fuck themselves." [...]The data transfer rate just isn't enough for the size of music files, even in compressed formats. So your request for "Anything, oh god, ANYTHING but Disco" is denied. Enjoy your boogie fever.”
— Andy Weir,
“Little-known fact about cheerleaders: They keep schedules that would make grown marines cry.”
— Jennifer Lynn Barnes,
“I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.”
— Bauvard,
“I had a dream about you last night.. You thought you were a candy vampire, you were standing in the sun screaming 'I'm melting.”
— Nicole McKay,
“I had a dream about you last night... I was a brick and you were a blanket. Damn that improbability drive.”
— Nicole McKay,
“What do you want, MacGuffin, a duel?”“No.” Julian held out both hands, one palm flat, the other held over it in a fist. “Rock, paper, scissors. Two out of three.”Ty rolled his eyes and held out his fist, apparently willing to play. Julian hit his palm three times, and Ty kept time with his fist in the air. But when Julian threw a paper, Ty reached into his jacket with his other hand and pulled his gun, aiming it at Julian.“Ty!” Zane said in exasperation from the front seat.“Glock, paper, scissors. I win.”“You are an ass,” Julian muttered.”
— Abigail Roux,
“Do you never get exhausted being so wholly unbearable?”
— Tahereh Mafi,
“As I get older, I just prefer to knit. ”
— Tracey Ullman
“I'm a whore!"Miki hit the brakes...her hands.. gripping the steering wheel, glanced at Sara. "You're not wearing any underwear, are you?"Sara let out a strangled squeal...”
— Shelly Laurenston,
“Ever since my famous battle with Python, I've had a phobia of scaly reptilian creatures. (Especially if you include my stepmother, Hera. BOOM!)”
— Rick Riordan,
“Nix had told Emma before she'd left for Europe that on this trip she would 'do that which you were born to do.' Apparently, Emma was born to get kidnapped by a deranged Lykae. Her fate sucked.”
— Kresley Cole,
“Kyo Sohma: One of these days I'll make you say you're sorry  Yuki Sohma: looking bored I'm sorry.  Kyo Sohma: Dammit That's not what I meant Don't you have any shame  Yuki Sohma: still looking annoyed Yes I'm ashamed to be seen with you shouting in public. Kyo Sohma: Oh that's it We're taking this outside  Yuki Sohma: still looking annoyed We ARE outside you stupid cat.”
— Natsuki Takaya
“When they throw the water on the witch, she says, “Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness”. That line inspired my life. I sometimes say it to myself before I go to sleep, like a prayer.”
— John Waters
“Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“The most upsetting thing about Society’s attitude towards disabled people is that many millions of disabled people became disabled while trying to please Society, the very same bitch that secretly regards them as subhuman.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana,
“Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.”
— Bauvard,
“You don’t like romantic shit,” Luke remarks and frowns at me.“I don’t like watching you lay the romantic shit on my best friend, pal. It’s disgusting. This,” I gesture around the room with my hands, “is not a movie. But I do like watching Zac Efron, Channing Tatum, and a number of other hot actors lay on the romantic shit in a movie. I have a vagina.”“I’m aware,” Luke remarks earning a glare from Nate. “Although, not first-hand,” he quickly adds.”
— Kristen Proby,
“To the stupidity of men, " Dakota said, raising a glass. "And my brother, who is their king.”
— Susan Mallery,
“My melon soulCrushed by your Gallagher of apathy”
— David Wong,
“He's bound to have done something,” Nobby repeated.In this he was echoing the Patrician's view of crime and punishment. If there was crime, there should be punishment. If the specific criminal should be involved in the punishment process then this was a happy accident, but if not then any criminal would do, and since everyone was undoubtedly guilty of something, the net result was that, in general terms, justice was done.”
— Terry Pratchett,
“Since Sienna was in an unusually cooperative mood, the session went well. He was returning from it midmorning - after a short detour - when a small naked body barreled into him in one of the main corridors. Steadying the boy with Tk, he looked down. The child lifted a finger to his lips. "Shh. I'm hiding." With that, he went behind Judd and scrambled into a small alcove. "Quickly!Not sure why he obeyed the order, Judd backed up to stand in front of the alcove, arms crossed. A flustered Lara came running around the corner a few seconds later. "Have you seen Ben? Four-year-old. Naked as a jaybird?""How tall is he?" Judd asked in his most overbearing Psy manner.Lara stared. "He's four. How tall do you think he is? Have you seen him or not?""Let me think...did you say he was naked?""He was about to be bathed. Slippery little monkey."A giggle from behind Judd.Lara's eyes widened and then her lips twitched. "So you haven't seen him?""Without a proper description, I can't be sure."The healer was obviously trying not to laugh. "You shouldn't encourage him - he's incorrigible as it is."Judd felt childish hands on his left calf and then Ben poked his head out. "I'm incorwigeable, did ya hear?"Judd nodded. "I do believe you've been found. Why don't you go have your bath?""Come on, munchkin." Lara held out a hand.Surprisingly strong baby arms and legs wrapped around Judd's leg. "No. I wanna stay with Uncle Judd."Lara anticipated his question. "Ben spends a lot of time with Marlee.""I spend a lot of time with Marlee," a small voice piped up.”
— Nalini Singh,
“What a schmuck!”
— Lemony Snicket,
“A customer facing crucial decisions: What should I wipe myself with? What should I brush with? His personal hygiene was deteriorating rapidly as he stared at the rows of possibilities, sweating profusely. Would he ever bathe again?”
— Benson Bruno,
“A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.”
— James Patterson,
“Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.”
— Molly Harper,
“Actions defined a man; words were a fart in the wind.”
— Mario Puzo,
“We are way less likely to love someone just because they love us than we are to hate someone just because they hate us.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“I've taken care of it," I saidMy father looked at me, shocked.Then I realized "taken care of" had a very specific meaning in his line of work."No, no, I mean he's gone.”
— paraphrased by Alethia from a book by Son of the Mob
“I'm not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.”
— Hannah Harrington,
“And," added Mikey. "she's my sister."The others looked at him for a moment, and broke out laughing."Yeah, yeah," Squirrel scoffed, "and the McGill is my cousin."Now Allie burst out laughing, which made Mikey more annoyed."If the McGill was your cousin," Mikey said, "I can guarantee he'd disown you.”
— Neal Shusterman,
“I was doing my little stand up shtick, the one I did for pretty girls, so they'd like me quickly and wouldn't try too hard to actually get to know me beyond my role as wisecracking Cameron, the orphan. Maybe it was a little like flirting, but also a kind of protection: Don't get too close; I'm just jokes with substance.”
— Emily M. Danforth,
“Some people will hate you for not loving them.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“I’m not going to fucking calm down. I’m going to hunt that bastard down and murderhim.”“Oh fuck,” Hank rocked back on his heels, his eyes went to the ceiling, his hands went to his hips.“What?” I asked.“Nothin’.”“What?” I asked, louder.His eyes came back to me. “You aren’thuntin’ anyone down.”“Wel … no,” I said, staring at him like he was crazy. “I was just saying that because I’m mad as hell. I wouldn’t begin to know how to hunt him down.””
— Kristen Ashley,
“Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“As libertines we seek to find and provide pleasures for others before pleasing ourselves. Libertines are never boorish, profane or blasphemous. We seek to lessen any cause for offence while maximizing pleasure. After our liaisons, our return is eagerly anticipated, and our departure is mourned. For most men the reverse is the case. In a world where most men are barely on before they are off again, we take the time and the care to be gentle lovers and build the sighs and the panting of true delight.”
— Harry F. MacDonald,
“They say money talks, but all mine ever says is 'good-bye sucker.”
— Jill Shalvis,
“June cackled with delight, muttering, "Whoops!" as a car almost killed them.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.”
— Douglas Adams,
“I heard the car door shut and then Fabian's voice. "You won't believe what I found around the edge of your property," the ghost announced. "A cave with prehistoric painting inside it!" I rolled my eyes. That was the best tactic Fabian could come up with? This was a vampire he was trying to stall, not a paleontologist.”
— Jeaniene Frost,