Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.- Simon Hunt”
— dannika dark,
“Pull the hair on my head the wrong way, and I would be on my knees begging for mercy. I have very sensitive follicles.”
— Benedict Cumberbatch
“Instead of finding himself in nerd heaven—where every nerd gets fifty-eight virgins to role-play with—he woke up in Robert Wood Johnson with two broken legs and a separated shoulder, feeling like, well, he'd jumped off the New Brunswick train bridge.”
— Junot Diaz
“Looks like he's lost a guinea and found a farthing," Horace said, then added, unnecessarily, "Will, I mean."Halt turned in his saddle to regard the younger man and raised an eyebrow."I may be almost senile in your eyes, Horace, but there's no need to explain the blindly obvious to me. I'd hardly have thought you were referring to Tug.”
— John Flanagan,
“I'm jealous of your hooks," Kevin replied. "Having no hands is better than having two equally strong hands."Don't be ridiculous," one of the white-faced women replied. "Having a white face is worse than both of your situations.""But you have a white face because you put makeup on," Colette said, as Sunny climbed back out of the trunk and knelt down in the snow. "You're putting powder on your face right now.”
— Lemony Snicket,
“I’m faster than the rest of you, if .. Because I’m a vampire,” Michael said, and it was some kind of breakthrough for him to say that. “If you get in trouble, I’ll be there.”“Nice,” Shane said. “I’m warming up to this bloodsucking thing, Mikey.”“No, you’re not.”“Okay, no, I’m not, but right now let’s pretend I am.”
— Rachel Caine,
“You need to be more careful, or you could hurt yourself."Right. Thank you, Mrs. Detweiler. I never would have come to that conclusion by myself. I was planning on incorporating a backflip into my next walk across the classroom but on second thought...”
— Janette Rallison,
“I swore I'd never become some lord's brainless arm ornament and political host, but I've become far worse. I'm a glorified housekeeper and sperm donor. -from the journal of Payton Marcus Townsend.”
— J.L. Langley,
“She's fifteen!"Nash shrugged. "That's just a number. It doesn't say anything about her.""It says something pretty damn funny about your IQ!" I said, and he opened his mouth to retort, but I spoke over him. "Fifteen is too young to drive, too young to get a legal job, too young to sign a lease, and obviously too young to pick a boyfriend with half a brain.”
— Rachel Vincent,
“Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn't do.”
— Russell Brand
“You have the maturity of a 14-year-old boy!“ Kennedy hisses."And you have the chest of one.”
— Emma Chase,
“Foul!" yelled Jamie, who seemed extremely happy not to be the one facing a blade. "Distracting technique! Put your shirt back on right now.”
— Sarah Rees Brennan,
“Are you ever going to kiss me without swearing first?”
— Christine Feehan,
“Are you stupid?” Seth asked.“Yeah,” Neil said.”
— Nora Sakavic,
“A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.”
— Pawan Mishra,
“she committed suicide by putting her extremities down the garbage disposal-first one arm and then, kind of miraculously if you think about it, the other arm.”
— David Foster Wallace,
“Say, ‘Thank you, Phin.’ ”“Oh, please.”“Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. ”“I don’t think so.”“Say, ‘You are a great lover, Phin.’ ”“I’m out of here.”
— Jennifer Crusie,
“Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Prithee," He protested, "if thou wouldst waiteth a goddamned second-”
— Tessa Dare,
“We're too different now. We want different things. And this?" I say nodding at our hands. "All this managed to prove is that you are extremely good at turning me off”
— Tahereh Mafi,
“No matter how kind you are, always expect a few imbeciles.”
— Criss Jami,
“I like to live every day like it's my last."Shallan nodded."And by that I mean lying in a puddle of my own urine, calling for the nurse to bring me more pudding.”
— Brandon Sanderson,
“Try not to trip," she added. "We don't have time for a concussion today."I groaned. That would be just like me - ruin everything, destroy the world, in a moment of klutziness.”
— Stephenie Meyer,
“There’s always time for arguin’ when you’re a Fuentes.”
— Simone Elkeles,
“We…realized that no matter who won the race, we were girls, and we were from Soso, Mississippi, population 434, which meant we were destined to be last in pretty much everything else.”
— Karen Hinton,
“I started down but Sam caught my arm and knelt down himself to look. "For crying out loud," he said. "It's a racoon." "Poor thing," I said. "It could be a rabid baby-killer," Cole told me primly. "Shut up," Sam said pleasantly.”
— Maggie Stiefvater,
“There's a tavern by the docks. He's there most evenings.""Then I'll talk to him tonight," Halt said."You can try. But he's a hard case, Halt. I'm not sure you'll get anything out of him. He's not interested in money. I tried that.""Well, perhaps he'll do it out of the goodness of his heart. I'm sure he'll open up to me," Halt said easily. But Horace noticed a gleam in his eye. He was right: the prospect of having something to do had reawakened Halt's spirits. He had a score to settle, and Horace found himself thinking that it didn't bode well for this Black O'Malley character.Will eyes Halt doubtfully, however. "You think so."Halt smiled at him. "People love talking to me," he said. "I'm an excellent conversationalist and I have a sparkling personality. Ask Horace. I've been bending his ear all the way from Dun Kilty, haven't I?"Horace nodded confirmation. "Talking nonstop all the way, he's been," he said. "Be glad to see him turn all that chatter onto someone else.”
— John Flanagan,
“Please. If you were mostly dead in the middle of the road I'd obviously stop. And then I'd watch you die."Kate to Will”
— Elizabeth Scott,
“Do I look like the kind of person who wastes time turning goats into pin cushions?”
— L.J. Smith,
“And since I’m marrying into the Quartet, I have certain privileges and duties. If you’re sleeping with Laurel—”“I’m not sleeping with Laurel. We’re dating.”“Right, and the two of you are just going to hold hands, admire the moon, and sing camp songs.”“For a while. Minus the singing.”
— Nora Roberts,
“Have you ever started to wave at someone and then realized they weren’t really waving at you, so you abort and go for a head scratch instead? That’s how I felt.”
— Tim Tharp,
“Small men oft feel a need to prove their courage with unseemly boasts," he declared. "I doubt if he could kill a duck."Tyrion shrugged. "Fetch the duck.”
— George R.R. Martin,
“Setting out around midnight, I couldn't help shaking my head, "We're the goddamned hottest vampire hunters ever." I muttered.”
— Richelle Mead,
“Anything for you, Dru. And I mean it. Now, be quiet and let me concentrate.”
— Lili St. Crow,
“You have food?" Winter scolded. "I thought you said you were hungry."I'm hungry for other things besides what I have," [Clover] argued.”
— Obert Skye,
“I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.”
— Bauvard,
“Then I say, "Let's go and brush our teeth." So Lola says, "But Charlie, I can't brush my teeth because somebody is using my tooth." "But who would use your toothbrush?" I ask. Lola says "I think that lion. I saw a lion with my toothbrush and now he's brushing his teeth with it." "But it isn't this your toothbrush Lola?" "Oh," says Lola, "he must be using yours.”
— Lauren Child,
“I shook my head. She kissed my cheek, then on her way out patted Zachary's shoulder in a way that said, If you upset Aura in her weakened state, I will end you.”
— Jeri Smith-Ready,
“The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.”
— Nia Vardalos
“Pleased to meet you." Sage said, offering his hand. "The pleasure is all mine," Rayna Purred. "Unless ofcourse, it's all Clea's which is even better."Sage smiled and might have even blushed a bit, which was highly entertaining.”
— Hilary Duff,
“This is stolen? We're in a stolen jet?""Not stolen," said Donegan Bane from the co-pilot's seat."Almost stolen," Gracious corrected."Semi-stolen," said Donegan."Quasi-stolen," said Gracious. Aurora's frown did not turn upside down. "So is it stolen or not?"Donegan and Gracious hesitated."Yes," they both said together.”
— Derek Landy,
“Donegan Bane and Gracious O'Callahan - the Monster Hunters. Adventurers, inventors, authors of Monster Hunting for Beginners and it's sequels, Monster Hunting for Beginners is Probably Inadvisable and  Seriously, Dude, Stop Monster Hunting.”
— Derek Landy,
“Well Connor thought ruefully  At least now I know who to thank for my anger issues.”
— Justin Somper,
“And I'm sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were either a drug dealer or from New Jersey.”
— Meg Cabot,
“A premature death does not only rob one of the countless instances where one would have experienced pleasure, it also saves one from the innumerable instances where one would have experienced pain.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“this was business.”
— Eoin Colfer,
“Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives.”
— Huntley Fitzpatrick,
“You said you'd give me half an hour!''And you said you'd satisfy me whenever I wanted it. I want it now.' He removed is jacket. 'Drop the towel.''I-I never agreed to be naked!”
— Kresley Cole,
“A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.”
— Bauvard,
“I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
— Hillary Rodham Clinton
“Belatedly, I notice how much easier it is to walk on these sticks when you can't feel your legs. Lesson number one for hooch wear, be drunk. It might make dancing more of a challenge, but I wasn't feeling a thing and it was beautiful.”
— Harper Sloan,
“All right," Shannen says slowly, tucking a lock of dark brown hair behind her ear. "Why did you glue that dolphin upside down?" Okay, so I'm a little distracted. "He's doing the back stroke.”
— Tera Lynn Childs,
“You’re not the only one in this relationship who loves achallenge,” he says. “And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them.”
— Simone Elkeles,
“Oh God, Oh God we’re all gonna die  doesn’t really fit the definition of banter, now does it?”
— Lilith Saintcrow,
“Everything has taken on a strange, distant quality - the sounds of running and shouting outside get warped and weird like they're being filtered through water, and Alex looks miles away. I start to think I might be dreaming, or about to pass out. And then I decide I'm definitely dreaming, because as I'm watching, Alex starts peeling his shirt off over his head.”
— Lauren Oliver,
“Butterfly?" Will said. "Why Butterfly?" "I believe it's a term of great respect," Selethen said gravely. He was very obviously not laughing. Too obviously, Will thought. "It's all right for you," he said. "They called you 'Hawk.' Hawk is an excellent name. It's warlike and noble. But....Butterfly? Selethen nodded. "I agree that Hawk is an entirely suitable name. I assume it had to do with my courage and nobility of heart. Halt coughed and the Arridi lord looked at him, eyebrows raised. "I think it referred less to your heart and more to another part of your body," Halt said mildly. He tapped his finger meaningfully along the side of his nose. It was a gesture he'd always wanted an opportunity to use, and this one was to good to miss. Selethen sniffed and turned away, affecting not to notice.”
— John Flanagan
“Horace, who had been trying to find out the meaning of Kurokuma for some time now, was pleased to hear the translation. "Black bear," he repeated. "It's undoubtedly because I'm so terrible in battle." "I'd guess so," Will put in. "I've seen you in battle and you're definitely terrible.”
— John Flanagan,
“They really hate you, yes they do. They hate everyone, how 'bout you?”
— Kami Garcia,
“Aaaaw," squealed Iko. "Did Wold just say he loves Scarlet? That's so cute!"Scarlet cringed. "He did not - that wasn't -" She balled her fists against her sides. "Can we get back to these soldiers that are being rounded up, please?""Is she blushing? She sounds like she's blushing.""She's blushing." Thorne confirmed, shiffling the cards. "Actually, Wolf is also looking a little flustered -”
— Marissa Meyer,
“   ‘I knew it, I knew it, I damn well knew it,’ he shouted. ‘The President was right you’re all infected with this wretched MeMe chromosome even at the dawn of your pathetic little planet’s evolution. You do realise of course there’s no hope for you. It’s all going to be a complete and utter waste of time. You and your little planet are all doomed.”
— A.R. Merrydew,
“I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.”
— Libba Bray,
“I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.”
— Fran Lebowitz
“Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. "How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again?”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.”
— Lloyd Alexander,
“You're dropping the bow hand as you release," he called, although Halt certainly wasn't.His mentor looked around, saw him, and replied pithily, "I believe your grandmother needs lessons in sucking eggs.”
— John Flanagan,
“It was like hiking into a Hemingway story; everything was sepia-toned and bristling with subtext.”
— Leslie What,
“Maruman does not loll.”
— Isobelle Carmody,
“Oh please," Scout said."Don't take that tone with me. You know you'd love to have a minion. Someone at your beck and call. Someone to do your bidding. How many times have you said to yourself," Self, I need a unicorn to run errands and such?”
— Chloe Neill,
“I didn't dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.”
— Michael  Summers,
“I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.”
— Bauvard,
“I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead”
— Jeff Foxworthy
“I like eggs and bacon,” George tells me. “But”—his face clouds—“do you know that bacon is”—tears leap to his eyes—“Wilbur?” Mrs. Garrett sits down next to him immediately. “George, we’ve been through this. Remember? Wilbur did not get made into bacon.” “That’s right.” I bend down too as wetness overflows George’s lashes. “Charlotte the spider saved him. He lived a long and happy life—with Charlotte’s daughters, um, Nelly and Urania and—” “Joy,” Mrs. Garrett concludes. “You, Samantha, are a keeper. I hope you don’t shoplift.”I start to cough. “No. Never.” “Then is bacon Babe, Mom? Is it Babe?”“No, no, Babe’s still herding sheep. Bacon is not Babe. Bacon is only made from really mean pigs,George.” Mrs. Garrett strokes his hair, then brushes his tears away.“Bad pigs,” I clarify.“There are bad pigs?” George looks nervous. Oops.“Well, pigs with, um, no soul.” That doesn’t sound good either. I cast around for a good explanation. “Like the animals that don’t talk in Narnia.” Dumb. George is four. Would he know Narnia yet? He’s still at Curious George.But understanding lights his face. “Oh. That’s okay then. ’Cause I really like bacon.”
— Huntley Fitzpatrick,
“Is that all you bought?” His eyes shot to the left. “Um.” I clenched my teeth. “What else?” “A Super Mega Juicer,” he said quickly. “But, Sabina, seriously that juicer is a miracle machine.” “I’m a vampire, Giguhl. The only liquids I drink are blood and alcohol. I don’t do juice.”
— Jaye Wells,
“Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.”
— Bauvard,
“I'd like to thank readers. Every time you open a book, it is a strike against ignorance. Unless you're reading Sarah Palin.”
— Libba Bray
“No one wears buckles anymore, and I decided to get him some real boots next winter solstice.Some sexy guy boots. Yeah.”
— Kim Harrison,
“I stuff another handful of Raisinets in my mouth. What gets me is the 'pretty face' bit. 'Cause I won't mind being reminded I'm fat as long as you water it down first. Why not say, Hey I'm going to insult you, but first I will congratulate your fortunate genetics and appropriate appliclation of Bobbi Brown cosmetics to prevent you from hitting me. Sh*t; I kind of prefer being called a 'fat bitch.' At least it doesn't pull any punches.”
— Jen Lancaster,
“If you're going to be a superhero, can I be your sidekick?" -April"What?" -Grace"The Dynamic Duo!" -April"Um, I'm pretty sure sidekicks have to have super powers, too. -Grace"Oh Yeah... Okay, but you can always use an Alfred." April"My Alfred?" -Grace"Oh come on Please I can help you design gadgets and stuff. Oh! I can design you outfits for crime fighting!" -April" *sigh* Okay. Sure. But no spandex" -Grace”
— Bree Despain,
“Harley-Davidson," she said. "Sweet.”
— Stieg Larsson,
“Most people believe most of the things they believe only because they believe that most people believe them.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“She's Prim's size in diameter.”
— Suzanne Collins,
“What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won't give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp.”
— Haven Kimmel,
“Most aspects of my training didn’t agree with me. There wasn’t as much bossing around as I’d hoped for, and there was way too much following orders.”
— Rachel Vincent,
“Wow, we're identical!”
— J.K. Rowling,
“He checked out his surrounding. More books. A drinking fountain. A poster showing a guy slam-dunking a basketball with one hand and holding a book in the other, urging kids to READ! Weird, thought Steve. How can he even see the hoop?...You see, Steven, Librarians are the most elite, best trained secret force in the United States of America. Probably in the world.""No way.""Yes way.""What about the FBI?""Featherweights.""The CIA?"Mackintosh snorted. "Don't make me laugh. Those guys can't even dunk a basketball andd read a book at the same time.”
— Mac Barnett,
“Jace said that the cast of Gilligan's Island could do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.”
— Cassandra Clare
“I was flipping channels, watching this cheerleading program on MTV. They took a field hockey girl and “transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?”
— Jess C Scott,
“Why were you watching me change?" I explain. "Uh, 'cause I'm a guy?" He flips the pillow and slaps it, fluffing it. Then he rolls over and closes his eyes again.”
— Miranda Kenneally,
“He'd gone from sixteen to seventy-five in a matter of seconds, but the old-man smell happened instantly, like boom. Congratulations! You stink!”
— Rick Riordan,
“I ain't never seen a creature like that before, she says. He's so smart, he's-More, like a person than a bird? I says.Yeah, she says. That's it.Whatever you do, I says, don't tell him that. I'll never hear the end of it.”
— Moira Young,
“I expect what you're not aware of would fill several books, Dursely.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“And who are you supposed to be? the King of snot-nosed delinquents?”
— Michael Buckley,
“You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull.”
— MaryJanice Davidson,
“Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
— Woody Allen
“Uphill? There's nothing up the hill," Colly said, trying desperately to work out where this conversation was going."As a matter of fact, there is. There's a bluff about twelve meters high, with a river running below it. The water's deep, so it'll be quite safe for you to jump." In his brief glimpse of the river, Halt had noticed that the fast-flowing water cut under the bluff in a sharp curve. That should mean that the bottom had been scoured out over the years. A thought struck him. "You can swim, I assume?""Yes. I can swim," Colly said. "But I'm going jumping off some bluff just because you say to!""No, no. Of course not. That'd be asking far too much of you. You'll jump off because if you don't, I'll shoot you. It'll be the same effect, really. If I have to shoot you, you'll fall off. But I thought I'd give you a chance to survive." Halt paused, then added, "Oh, and if you decide to run downhill, I'll also shoot you with an arrow. Uphill and off is really your only chance of survival.""You can't be serious!" Colly said. "Do you really-"But he got no further. Halt leaned forward, putting a hand up to stop the outburst."Colly, take a good, long look into my eyes and tell me if you see anything, anything at all, that says I'm not deadly serious."His eyes were deep brown, almost black. They were steady and unwavering and there was no sign of anything there but utter determination. Colly looked at them and after a few second, his eyes dropped away. halt nodded as the other man's gaze slid away from his."Good. Now we've got that settled, you should try to get some sleep. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow.”
— John Flanagan,
“My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face. Then my heart stood up, brushed itself off, took a deep breath and announced: "I want a spiritual teacher.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert,
“And you'd think that killing people would make them like you, but it doesn't. It just- it just makes them dead.”
— Joe Walker (as Voldemort in AVPM)
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.”
— Tommy Cooper
“He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)”
— Noel Gallagher
“Her eyes went so wide they nearly bulged. It was probably wrong of me to find that amusing. Or to want to take a photo of Nicholas with his fangs out and wearing a black cape lined with red satin and then hang it over my pillow in a heart-shaped frame.”
— Alyxandra Harvey,
“Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.”
— Rita Rudner
“I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still inside them.”
— Michael  Summers,
“When I turn back to Jase, he’s again beaming at me. “You’re nice.” He sounds pleased, as if he hadn’t expected this aspect of my personality.”
— Huntley Fitzpatrick,
“You can't just call the Praetor. It's not like 1-800-WEREWOLF.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“The Marquis sighed. "I thought it was just a legend," he said. "Like the alligators in the sewers of New York City."Old Bailey nodded, sagely: "What, the big white buggers? They're down there. I had a friend lost a head to one of them." A moment of silence. Old Naeiley handed the statue back to the Marquis. Then he raised his hand, and snapped it, like a crocodile hand, at the Carabas. "It was OK," gurned Old Bailey with a grin that was most terrible to behold. "He had another.”
— Neil Gaiman,
“That really was NOT fun, though. Well, the hitting-her-with-a-stick part, that was fun. But crashing into a concrete bear? NOT fun.”
— Rick Riordan