Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“The gun was lying next to the sprinkler, under a bush, about seventy-five feet - or halfway - up the steep hill. Steven had watched "Dragnet" on TV; he knew how guns should be handled. Picking it up very carefully by the top of the barrel, so as not to eradicate prints, Steven took the gun back to his house and showed it to his father, Bernard Weiss. The senior Weiss took one look and called LAPD. Officer Micheal Watson, on patrol in the area, responded to the radio call. More than a year later Steven would be asked to describe the incident from the witness stand: Q. "Did you show him [Watson] the gun?" A. "Yes." Q. "Did he touch the gun?" A. "Yes." Q. "How did he touch it?" A. "With both hands, all over the gun." So much for "Dragnet.”
— Vincent Bugliosi,
“I paid, got up, walkedto the door, openedit.I heard the mansay, "that guy'snuts."out on the street Iwalked northfeelingcuriouslyhonored.”
— Charles Bukowski,
“It's alright" said a dreamy voice from beside Harry as Ron vanished into the coach's dark interior. "You're not going mad or anything. I can see them too.""Can you?" said Harry desperately, turning to Luna. He could see the bat-winged horses reflected in her wide, silvery eyes."Oh yes," said Luna, "I've been able to see them since my first year here. They've always pulled the carriages. Don't worry. You're just as sane as I am."Smiling faintly, she climbed into the musty interior of the carriage after Ron. Not altogether reassured, Harry followed her.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“You should praise, criticize and flirt with people right to their face, only then it will make a difference.”
— Amit Kalantri
“One of the most jolting days of adulthood comes the first time you run out of toilet paper. Toilet paper, up until this point, always just existed. And now it's a finite resource, constantly in danger of extinction, that must be carefully tracked and monitored, like pandas?”
— kelly williams brown,
“His life was a constant war with insensate objects that fell apart, or attacked him, or refused to function, or viciously got themselves lost as soon as they entered the sphere of his existence.”
— Vladimir Nabokov,
“I hate you.'My sister said it different than she said it to my dad. She meant it with me. She really did.'I love you,' was all I could say in return.”
— Stephen Chbosky
“He shook his head in exasperation. “Are you sure you’re not a Succubus? You seem really obsessed with the sin of lust.”“It’s a good sin. I like gluttony an awful lot, too. Sloth has its moments, but I just don’t understand acedia at all. I mean, what the f**k is that anyway? Oh, and greed is good, to quote Gordon Gekko. Anger, envy and pride,” I ticked them off on my fingers. “I don’t often have much use for them. It’s a shortcoming that I’m hoping to correct in the next millennium or two. I’m not very old; I can’t be expected to have mastered them all yet.”“I think you’ve worked too hard on some of those,” he said dryly. “Maybe you should switch over to virtues instead. Give yourself a much needed break.”Virtues? Yeah, right.“Virtues are too difficult,” I told him, shaking my head. “Look how old you are and you’ve hardly made a dent in them. I’ll admit, you seem to have zeal nailed, as well as faith and temperance. Self control? I’ve got my doubts based on your recent actions. I’m not seeing the kindness, love or generosity, either. That humility thing seems to be pretty far beyond your reach, too. Really, really far. I’m sorry to tell you this, but from what I can see, the sin of pride is a major component of your character. Dude, you’re f**king old. You should have these things pretty well ticked off your shopping list by now. I’m seriously disappointed. Seriously.”
— Debra Dunbar,
“You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one,' said Tommy.'All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,' said Tuppance.'You have the wrong kind of friends,' said Tommy.”
— Agatha Christie,
“Werewolves never joke about age,” he said solemnly.“Why not?”Connor shrugged, a smile teasing his lips. “I dunno,” he finally admitted. “I just thought it sounded good.”
— Rose Wynters,
“I don't like sleeping in the dark jungle by myself.Ren”
— Colleen Houck,
“It's just... You sound like lorde. But like, with maple syrup.”
— Moriah McStay,
“I don’t know. We’ve kissed. It was nice.”“Nice? Nice is getting an extra shot of espresso in a latte. Nice is finding a dollar on the street. Nice is generic.”
— L.L. Bucknor,
“Reply when questioned on the safety of the polio vaccine he developed:It is safe, and you can't get safer than safe.”
— Jonas Salk
“What would Golan Do? That way I can ask myself before I do anything. Before I take a dump. How would Dr. Golan want me to take this dump? Should I bank it off the side or go straight down the middle? What would be the most psychologically beneficial dump I could take?”
— Ransom Riggs,
“You realize people like you and Trav are going to fight, right?" America said, filing her nails as she chewed the huge wad of gum in her mouth.I turned over on the bed. "You are officially fired. You are a terrible conscious.”
— Jamie McGuire,
“While you’re singing something romantic, I can’t get the lyrics to ‘Love and Marriage’ out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy.”
— E.A. Bucchianeri,
“I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me, you laughed at my nakedness, and you sold me to the owner of a sex shop.  ”
— Dark Jar Tin Zoo,
“I had a dream about you. You were you, but you were many—a multitude of mannequins, each named Manny. And I was me, but I was Dark Jar Tin Zoo, and as such I made love to you—all of you. Then I woke up alone, naked, cuddling a mannequin I named after you who smells like you, because I spray it with the same fragrance you used to wear. Is that crazy? No, I didn’t think so either.  ”
— Dora J. Arod,
“I… have an unnatural fondness for him, Duchess. One might even say that I love him. As a man should love a woman, really.” “Well, I would imagine the mechanics of that would be different.”
— Rhys Ford,
“Liberace was certainly master and commander of the ivories ~ he is the only pianist I can watch or listen to without suffering a case of 'Stagefright Sympathy Sickness'.”
— E.A. Bucchianeri
“...space flight still had a long way to go to catch up with the safety record of the milkshake industry.”
— Kevin Fong
“I had a dream about you. You had no skin or muscle on your face, and to try to conceal your bare skull you liberally applied lipstick and makeup. Your birthday was coming up, and I knew you were probably sensitive about parties that emphasize the aging process, so I decided to box up your gift in a coffin and wrap it with black wrapping paper. I got you the best gift ever too—a hooker, who happened to be dead, because that enabled me to procure a sizeable discount. ”
— Dora J. Arod,
“One of the fundamental rights of mankind should be that of wearing as many or as few clothes as one likes inside one's own home.”
— Sachin Kundalkar,
“How rude of me, we haven’t even introduced ourselves. We’re the Andersons. I’m Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun hat is my wife Amy, and these are our best friends/children, Evan and Amy Jr. As you can see, we’re very fit and active. You know what our family’s average percentage of body fat is? Three. Yes, really. We got it tested last year when we all became organ donors.You may have noticed that I’m carrying Amy on my back. We do that a lot. At least once a day, and not just when we’re in fields like this; we do it on beaches and in urban environments as well. That’s what happens when your love is deep and playful like ours. You should also know that we also dab frosting on each other’s noses every single time we eat cupcakes, which is both mischievous and very us. Do you guys even eat cupcakes?”
— Colin Nissan
“I had a dream about you. We were in a canoe, and we were paddling across the desert. You said you were thirsty, and I pointed to the sand that surrounded us and said, “No, I will not urinate in your mouth.” At that point I woke up, because I realized I really had to pee—and get a drink of water. ”
— Dora J. Arod,
“You Sure this is it?" I said. "It looks empty.""Empty? No way, there's loads of shit in there," worm replied”
— Ransom Riggs,
“Beauty is a sacrifice. -MeBaby, I INVENTED scrawny! -Leo ValdezI will NEVER leave you or forsake you. -GodNo one can make you feel inferior, unless you consent. -Eleanor RooseveltBe careful, Seaweed Brain. -Annabeth Chase”
— Clarice Belnavis
“I don't regret saying something," I said as he pulled down the street.He glanced at me."Well, I regret not punching him in the face."My lips twitched."Sorry. I couldn't let that happen.""I'm sure I'll get another opportunity," He muttered, squinting out the windshield.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“I glanced over and saw Wyatt glaring at me. Journey’s “Lovin’ Touchin’, Squeezin’” was playing on the radio.“What?” I asked.“You secretly hate me, don’t you.” He gestured toward the radio. “You can’t stand the thought of me taking a much needed nap and leaving you to drive without conversation. You’re torturing me with this sappy stuff.”“It’s Journey. I love this song.”Wyatt mumbled something under his breath, picked up the CD case, and started looking through it. He paused with a choked noise, his eyes growing huge.“You’re joking, Sam. Justin Bieber? What are you, a twelve-year old girl?”There’s gonna be one less lonely girl, I sang in my head. That was a great song. How could he not like that song? Still, I squirmed a bit in embarrassment.“A twelve-year old girl gave me that CD,” I lied. “For my birthday.”Wyatt snorted. “It’s a good thing you’re a terrible liar. Otherwise, I’d be horrified at the thought that a demon has been hanging out with a bunch of giggling pre-teens.”He continued to thumb through the CDs. “Air Supply Greatest Hits? No, no, I’m wrong here. It’s an Air Supply cover band in Spanish.” He waved the offending CD in my face. “Sam, what on earth are you thinking? How did you even get this thing?”“Some tenant left it behind,” I told him. “We evicted him, and there were all these CDs. Most were in Spanish, but I’ve got a Barry Manilow in there, too. That one’s in English.”Wyatt looked at me a moment, and with the fastest movement I’ve ever seen, rolled down the window and tossed the case of CDs out onto the highway. It barely hit the road before a semi plowed over it.I was pissed. “You asshole. I liked those CDs. I don’t come over to your house and trash your video games, or drive over your controllers. If you think that will make me listen to thatDubstep crap for the next two hours, then you better fucking think again.”“I’m sorry Sam, but it’s past time for a musical intervention here. You can’t keep listening to this stuff. It wasn’t even remotely good when it was popular, and it certainly hasn’t gained anything over time. You need to pull yourself together and try to expand your musical interests a bit. You’re on a downward spiral, and if you keep this up, you’ll find yourself friendless, living in a box in a back alley, stinking of your own excrement, and covered in track marks.”I looked at him in surprise. I had no idea Air Supply led to lack of bowel control and hard core drug usage. I wondered if it was something subliminal, a kind of compulsion programmed into the lyrics. Was Russell Hitchcock a sorcerer? He didn’t look that menacing to me, but sorcerers were pretty sneaky. Even so, I was sure Justin Bieber was okay. As soon as we hit a rest stop, I was ordering a replacement from my iPhone.”
— Debra Dunbar,
“Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.”
— Christoph Fischer
“You named the chicken, Chicken?" She looked embarrassed. "When we decided not to kill it, I got attached.”
— Tracey Garvis-Graves,
“I’m looking for Fat Hoochie Prom Queen,” I declared.He did not respond.“It’s a book,” I said. “Not a person.”Nope. Nothing.“At the very least, can you tell me the author?”He looked at his computer, as if it had some way to speak to me without any typing on his part.“Are you wearing headphones that I can’t see?” I asked.He scratched at the inside of his elbow.“Do you know me?” I persisted. “Did I grind you to a pulp in kindergarten, and are you now getting sadistic pleasure from this petty revenge?Stephen Little, is that you? Is it? I was much younger then, and foolish to have nearly drowned you in that water fountain. In my defense, yourprior destruction of my book report was a completely unwarranted act of aggression.”Finally, a response. The information desk clerk shook his shaggy head.“No?” I said.“I am not allowed to disclose the location of Fat Hoochie Prom Queen,” he explained. “Not to you. Not to anyone. And while I am not StephenLittle, you should be ashamed of what you did to him. Ashamed.”
— Rachel Cohn,
“Stupid bitch," he spits, and that's when I mentally punch him in the face.Except it isn't just mentally—it's for real, my closed fist is actually moving. It hits him square in the nose with a sickening crunch."Oh my God," Laney breathes from behind me."Oh my God," Jake says from the floor.My eyes widen. "Oh my God.”
— Hannah Harrington,
“Show some respect. They were your grandparents. -BatmanJust names and dusty frames on the wall to me. -DamienI take exception to that. There is not a speck of dust collecting on those portraits. -Alfred”
— Peter J. Tomasi,
“No problem. Just drop it back off before you go," he says, procuring a brass key. "And if he puts on Bowie's early stuff and starts sweet-talking, dammit, you run. You run as fast as you can.”
— Hannah Harrington,
“And even if we did, which we didn't, it's none of your business.""Okay.""I just wanted you to know.""Okay.""If you say okay one more time, I'm going to punch you in the solar plexus."His eyebrows jump. "The solar plexus, huh?""Yes," I say. "I'm not exactly sure where that is, but I will find out. And then I will punch you there. Hard.”
— Hannah Harrington,
“Before you eat the elephant, make sure you know what parts you want to eat.”
— Todd Stocker,
“I know it’s technically goodwill to all men, but in my mind, I drop the men because that feels segregationist/elitist/sexist/generally bad ist.Goodwill shouldn’t be just for men. It should also apply to women and children, and all animals, even the yucky ones like subway rats. I’d evenextend the goodwill not just to living creatures but to the dearly departed, and if we include them, we might as well include the undead, thosesupposedly mythic beings like vampires, and if they’re in, then so are elves, fairies, and gnomes. Heck, since we’re already being so generous in ourbig group hug, why not also embrace those supposedly inanimate objects like dolls and stu”
— Rachel Cohn,
“Now I really feel sorry for her. Your hand is as bad as Rob’s paddle,” Cassie shuddered.“Thank you.”“I didn’t mean it as a compliment!”
— Breanna Hayse,
“Why had his mother gone to the trouble of bringing him into the world if the most exciting moment in his life was having been made lame by a bayonet?”
— Félix J. Palma,
“There is a funny story I always tell my students...when I came for the first time to the US. I didn’t speak English (Only Spanish) & I saw on every door the word “exit” which in Spanish means Success = Exito. And then I said :”No wonder Americans are winners ,every door they take leads to success” ~smile :)”
— Pablo
“Seth turns to Laney and I. "Three months ago, I'm in Detroit protesting a free trade conference, right? Some pig shoves me, I go flying into another, next thing I know I'm on the ground with a Taser in my back. I get thrown in city jail, no money and one phone call. So I call Jake. You know what this fucker did? He dropped everything, drove up and bailed me out, no questions.""Like I could just leave you," Jake says. "You're too pretty. You're a delicate flower. They would've ripped you apart in there.”
— Hannah Harrington,
“I lost myself immediately in one of the books, only emerging when the phone rang.“Dashiell?” my father intoned. As if someone else with my voice might be answering the phone at my mother’s apartment.“Yes, Father?”“Leeza and I would like to wish you a merry Christmas.”“Thank you, Father. And to you, as well.”[awkward pause][even more awkward pause]“I hope your mother isn’t giving you any trouble.”Oh, Father, I love it when you play this game.“She told me if I clean all the ashes out of the grate, then I’ll be able to help my sisters get ready for the ball.”“It’s Christmas, Dashiell. Can’t you give that attitude a rest?”“Merry Christmas, Dad. And thanks for the presents.”“What presents?”“I’m sorry—those were all from Mom, weren’t they?”“Dashiell …”“I gotta go. The gingerbread men are on ”
— Rachel Cohn
“It was like watching an angsty hormone-fueled train wreck and firmly cemented my resolve to be at least twenty-five before I considered getting hitched.”
— Stacey Jay,
“You’re not going to campus. You’re going out to get drunk and play with other ladies’ boobies.” - Kye”
— Krista Alasti,
“We should go swimming," Anna says, out of the blue. (...)Danny looks at her like she just suggested knocking over the closest liquor store. Which wouldn't be such a bad idea, on second thought, considering how fast Laney, Seth and Anna are working through the tequila bottle. "Uh sure, if catching pneumonia's your idea of a fun time. I don't want to freeze my balls off. I'm rather attached to them. Literally and figuratively.”
— Hannah Harrington,
“It dawned on him that he really could be a cop if he wanted to, and it dawned on him that he'd had this revelation while eating a donut, and it that wasn't a sign, he didn't know what was.”
— Doug Dorst,
“Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again!”
— Diane Ackerman,
“For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient.”
— Elizabeth Inchbald,
“There is little more I can add short of dissecting the man, or going into intimate details such as the modest proportions and slight southeasterly curvature of his manhood.”
— Félix J. Palma,
“So where did you get your information? Werewolves for Dummies? No, wait, you watched Underworld? Or maybe you were raised by wolves? Stop mewhen I’m warm.” - Shella”
— Krista Alasti,
“Principal Totty was one of those people who frown while they’re speaking, and then smile at the end of each sentence. It was weird. It was like there were two different people inside her brain.”
— Ferguson Fartworthy,
“Like some huge, mutant chicken–I sat there hatching a gas-egg the size of a planet.”
— Ferguson Fartworthy,
“Amy Bellini and Sasha Tibbles traipsed down the aisle and wriggled into the back seat, Amy right next to me. Her damp brown hair flicked in my face as she turned to make herself more comfortable. I didn’t mind. I wouldn’t admit this to ANYONE, but I think she’s not quite as weird as the rest of the girls.”
— Ferguson Fartworthy,
“It's delicious,’ he announces, chewing my sandwich. 'I would like to stay here forever and die with you in my arms.' 'I don't know. I think it's too cold for forever,' I say, smiling.”
— Joanna Mazurkiewicz
“If water was beer I'd be a teetotaler”
— Benny Bellamacina,
“So his flunkies are what, pirates?”
— Susie M. Hanley,
“You know what they say, Two pairs a company, cheese a croud”
— Annoying Orange
“Uh- you shouldn't mock orange if I were you - Why not?*everyone sings* He will He will mock youHe will He will mock you*orange starts singing*Hey buddy bannanaYou live in a habanayou small like a cabanabut sdon't worry it's gonna be great somedayReally?Orange: Nope..Not really*Everyone sings*He will He will mock youHe will He will mock you.”
— Annoying Orange
“Holly's forgiven you?" "Almost mostly. But she still gives me slack about it when she's sick. I take it as a husbandly badge," he said, puffing out his chest. "Sick? You told me she was fully immortal." "Yeah, but she still throws up some, because, well, the thing of it is... Ah, fuck, Rydstrom, I knocked her up." "You're going to be a father?" Gods help the world. I'm going to be an uncle? "I got Holly, like, on the first shot. Nix is calling me Bull's-eye and the Womb Raider.”
— Kresley Cole,
“Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you.”
— E.A. Bucchianeri,
“Shaga: How would you like to die, little man?Tyrion: In my bed, at the age of eighty with a belly full of wine and a woman's mouth around my cock.”
— Geogre R.R. Martin
“The workshop door opened and Skulduggery emerged. "Ryan," he said, "stop leaning on my car.”
— Derek Landy,
“jace's clothes had been clean,stylish,ordinary. Sebastian had been wearing a long black wool trench coat that had looked expensive. Like an evil Burbeery ad, Simon said when she was done.”
— Cassandra Claire
“Ah college years, those were the days. Pure freedom ... leaving home for the first time…the parties…”"What about the tutorials, the lectures, the large building with all the books called the ‘library’?”“Is that what those were?” Gerry blithely replied.”
— E.A. Bucchianeri,
“You were at the party on Friday night, weren't you?" I didn't mentioned I'd followed him into the woods.He leaned back in his chair, his legs sprawled out. His boots nudged the bottom ruffle of my skirt. "Aye."Aye? Seriously? Could he be any hotter?Unless he had been looking for his girlfriend at the party.Not hot."I was supposed to meet my cousin," he elaborated, "but I didn't find her,"Hot again.”
— Alyxandra Harvey,
“Awesome ends with me; but Ugly starts with u...”
— Stephan
“An hour later, a nameless, cold-faced man returned with a tray of fresh pasta, warm bread, and a few bags of brand new comfort clothes: yoga pants, tees, a few sports bras, and...pink thong underwear? Well, of course. Wouldn't want to be held prisoner and have panty lines.”
— Mimi Jean Pamfiloff,
“I know what party you’re talking about. I might have to swing through. Especially if you’re going to be there in a costume.” He winked and leaned back in his seat.“I’m going as a homeless person.”“Sexy.”
— Chanelle Gray,
“We were kissing.I thought: This is good.I thought: I am not bad at this kissing. Not bad at all.I thought: I am clearly the greatest kisser in the history of the universe.Suddenly she laughed and pulled away from me. She wiggled a hand out of her sleeping bag and wiped her face. "You slobbered on my nose," she said, and laughed.”
— John Green
“Are you scared of going in to see the raghnaid [the council]?” asked a gray female pup. “Are you cag mag [crazy]? If a bear was his Milk Giver, you think he’s scared of the raghnaid?”
— Kathryn Lasky,
“Llamas can drive... they just don't know it yet...”
— Llama Queen
“Mira, I'm about to be naked," Blue said as he whipped off his belt and tossed it on the floor. "So watch out. Well, in my underwear.""I've seen you in your bathing suit," Mira said. "It's the same thing.""It is not the same thing," Blue said. "When it's accompanied by seventies porn music, it's an X-rated strip show." Blue yanked off his shirt. "Freddie, you're kind of slow on the uptake. Eine kleine porn music, please.”
— Sarah Cross,
“Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. "Right. It's just that… He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here.”
— Kristina McBride,
“(The Mona Lisa), that really is the ugliest portrait I’ve seen, the only thing that supposedly makes it famous is the mystery behind it,” Katherine admitted as she remembered her trips to the Louvre and how she shook her head at the poor tourists crowding around to see a jaundiced, eyebrow-less lady that reminded her of tight-lipped Washington on the dollar bill. Surely, they could have chosen a better portrait of the First President for their currency?”
— E.A. Bucchianeri,
“Dont talk to the crazy kids. I longed to shout back that we weren't crazy. I'd mistaken her kid for a ghost, that's all.”
— Kelley Armstrong
“I was so high, I needed a stepladder to scratch my own ass.”
— Kinky Friedman
“I guess it was what my friend Phoolendu at the yoga studio would call kismet. That's like fate, but much more dramatic.”
— Robin Palmer,