Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“The prince set her down and dismissed his valet. The latter left with a bow and closed the door. Leaning against the wall, the prince pulled off his stockings. As he walked toward the amethyst tub, he yanked his shirt over his head.He was lean and tightly sinewed. Her little bird heart thudded.He glanced at her, his lips curved in not quite a smile. The next thing she knew, his shirt had flown through the air and landed on the cage, blocking her view toward the bathtub.“Sorry, sweetheart. I am shy.”She chirped indignantly. It was not as if she would have continued to watch him disrobe beyond a certain point.”
— Sherry Thomas,
“The thought of being with Shay Wilder makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a butter knife”
— Lisa McMann,
“I guess being a writer is a little like being a singer, when they're forced to sing that same boring song a million times over to their fans, even though that song was in the charts something like twenty years ago. We must read our book a million times before releasing it, they must sing the same song a million times after release, right? WRONG! It's nothing like that at all, because a song only takes three minutes to sing, whereas the reading of a book takes a fucking lifetime if you hate it already!”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye and cover-up, wouldn’t be more than average-looking, but with all that stuff look too plastic to be pretty.”
— Hannah Harrington,
“Neythen looked perplexed. 'My mum always said I'm named after a saint, not an illness.''Which one?''Well he had his head chopped off, see? And then he picked it up and carried it down the road a time. All the way back home, I think.''Messy,' Piers said. 'Not to mention unlikely, though one has to think of chickens and their post-mortal abilities. Did she think that you would inherit the same gift?'Neythen blinked. 'No, my lord.''Perhaps she was just hopeful. It behooves mothers to look ahead to this sort of possibility, after all. I'm tempted to behead you just to see if she was right.Sometimes the most unlikely superstitions turn out to have a basis in fact.”
— Eloisa James,
“Is that what you were doing in my room?” he asks after a moment.I sigh. Why am I telling him any of this? “Yes. I was on assignment.”“I was your assignment?”“Yes.” He hesitates a moment, then grins. “That’s kind of hot.”
— Rachel  Morgan,
“Women will buy products in an attempt to become the impossible goal. Men will buy products in an attempt to mate with the impossible goal.”
— David McRaney,
“What have you done to your hair?” Mom’s broken voice said, pinning me back to this tiny hospitalroom.“Holy shit!” Icka patted her head as if searching. “You think the nurse stole it? She looked shady.”
— Phoebe Kitanidis,
“Let come the forces of night! We will stand!" "We will get the hell out of here is what we will do," I muttered.”
— Jim Butcher,
“I'd never been a good damsel in distress. I was a "hands-on" damsel.”
— Jennifer Armintrout,
“It’s fairly standard. Also, I’m fourteen. Also, yourbeard’s stupid.”“Isn’t this fun?” Skulduggery said brightly. “The three of usgetting along so well.”
— Derek Landy,
“Oh, I'm good. Seriously, after all these years, you'd think I would stop amazing myself. But here I am, still doing it.”
— James Dashner,
“I'd rather have rabies than be in love.""Why?""Because at least you can get over rabies with some shots.”
— Shelly Laurenston,
“In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.”
— Johnny Carson
“you think you've never been wrong before?"-alex"sure i have why just last week I bought bobbi brown sandwash petal lip gloss when the pink blossom color would have looked so much better with my complexion. needless to say the purchase was a total disaster"- brittney"ill bet"-alex."havent you ever been wrong before?"-brittany "absolutely. last week, when i robbed that bank over by the walgreens, I told the teller to hand over all the fifties he had in the till. what i really should have asked for was the twenties 'cause there were way more twenties than fifties"- alex"what a disaster"- brittany”
— Simone Elkeles,
“I think you must be some kind of a freak. Either that or you’re trying toconvert me to your secret horse religion.”“Darn, you got me,” she says theatrically. “You thwarted my evil plan.”
— Cynthia Hand,
“You're Nash's brother. And a grim reaper?" She blinked again, and I readied myself for hysterics, or fear, or laughter. But knowing emma, I should have known better. "So you, what? Kill people? Did you kill me that day in the gym?" She clenched the headrest, her expression an odd mix of anger, awe, and confusion. But there was no disbelief. She'd seen and heard enough of the bizarre following her own temporary death that Tod's admission obviously didn't come as that much of a surprise.Or maybe Nash's Influence was still affecting her a little."No," Tod shook his head firmly, but the corners of his mouth turned up in amusement. "I had nothing to do with that. I do kill people, then I reap their souls and take them to be recycled. But only people who are on my list.""So, you're not...dangerous?"His pouty grin deepened into something almost predatory, like the Tod I'd first met two months earlier. "Oh, I'm dangerous....""Tod..." I warned, as Nash punched his brother in the arm, hard enough to actually hurt. "Just not to you," the reaper finished, shrugging at Emma. "I see you all the time, but you've never seen me, because Kaylee said if I got too close to you, I'd suffer eternity without my balls.""Jeez, Tod!" I shouted, my anger threatening to boil over and scald us all.The reaper leaned closer to Emma and spoke in a stage whisper. "She's not as scary as she thinks she is, but I respect her intent.”
— Rachel Vincent,
“What are you waiting for?" shanna asked. "He's dying! Do it!" Conner looked at Angus. "Ye do it. It was yer idea.""Nay? Ye were the first to suggest it. Ye do it.""I'm no' touching him." Conner said.He nudged Phineas "Ye do it.""I don't even know how!" Phineas poked at Robby. "You do it.""Why me?" Robby turned to Angus. "Ye're the expert. Ye do it."Angus grimaced. "I'm no' doing it. I hate the bugger.""Stop it!" Shanna screamed "You- Forget it! I'll do it myself.""Shanna you don't know how," Roman said."Gods blood. I guess I have to do it." "You guess?" Shanna cried "Are you going to let him die?""He threatens to kill me every time he sees me.”
— Kerrelyn Sparks,
“Of course it hurts, it’s a spanking. How else would it work?”
— Breanna Hayse,
“Well, friend, I don’t know about your tastes, but I tend to like it very bloody,” Myrnin said. He shifted position, dragging Claire along like a rag doll without any effort at all. “Have we been introduced?”“Probably not. Why, are you asking me out, sweetheart?”“You’re not my type, darling. Is this one yours?”“No,” Frank said, and looked at Shane, just in a quick flicker. “Let’s say she’s a friend of the family.”
— Rachel Caine,
“When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each other.About Alex and Brittany.”
— Simone Elkeles,
“You are hard at work madam ," said the man near her.Yes," Answered Madam Defarge ; " I have a good deal to do."What do you make, Madam ?"Many things."For instance ---"For instance," returned Madam Defarge , composedly ,Shrouds."The man moved a little further away, as soon as he could, feeling it mightily close and oppressive .”
— Charles Dickens,
“When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!”
— Ron White,
“Jase props himself up on an elbow, looking at me for a minute without saying anything. His face gets an unreadable expression, and I wish I could take back walking over.Then he observes, “I’m guessing that’s a uniform.”Crap. I’d forgotten I was still wearing it.”
— Huntley Fitzpatrick,
“To be, or not to be: what a question!”
— E.A. Bucchianeri,
“A dancer on break approached him. She smiled. Each tooth was angled in a different direction, as if her mouth were the masterwork of a mad orthodontist. "Hi," she said. "Hi." "You're really cute." "I don't have any money."She spun and walked away. Ah, romance.”
— Harlan Coben,
“It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.”
— Tommy Cooper
“I think I exist, therefore I exist. I think.”
— David Gerrold,
“I have a secret. A big, fat, hairy secret. And I’m not talking minor-league stuff, like I once let Joseph Applebaum feel me up behind the seventh-grade stairwell or I got a Brazilian wax after work last Friday or I’m hiding a neon blue vibrator called the Electric Slide in my night table. Which I’m not, by the way. In case you were wondering. ”
— Karen MacInerney,
“Aurora sagged. "Why is it," she asked, "that every time I'm with you two we end up stealing something big?""We always return it," Donegan said, a little defensively. "Maybe not always in one piece or necessarily to the right person but return it we do, and so it is not stealing, it is merely borrowing."Gracious looked at him. "It's a little bit stealing.""Anyone who leaves a private jet just lying around deserves to have it stolen.""It wasn't lying around," said Gracious. "It was locked up tight. It took us an hour to dismantle the security system and get inside."Donegan looked at him. "You're not helping.”
— Derek Landy,
“As your abilities begin to grow, your angelic side will start to manifest itself in more noticeable ways.""My angelic side. Great. Like I don't have enough to deal with.""It's not so bad," Mom says. "You'll learn to control it.""I'll learn to control my hair?”
— Cynthia Hand,
“Life is a process during which one initially gets less and less dependent, independent, and then more and more dependent.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.”
— Doug MacLeod
“With no chance to take off, I had to play my role, searching for the rendezvous spot, which gave me the excuse to look for an escape opportunity. Maybe a hole in the wall too small for Tori’s mom to follow me through or a precarious stack of boxes I could topple onto her head or an abandoned hammer I could brain her with. I’d never “brained” anyone in my life, but with Tori’s mom, I was willing to try.”
— Kelley Armstrong,
“Nero, we need to talk. Chloe will not get off my ass. I told her,” Amo looked right at Chloe in the eyes, “to walk beside me, but she refuses to even say a word to me.”　　“T-that’s how I walk!” Chloe blurted.　　Elle started laughing; it was too hard not to.　　“Oh, now you can talk because Elle’s around.” Elle only laughed harder. "I blame you!” He pointed at Elle.”
— Sarah Brianne,
“Sorry for the delay," Vogel said. "I was required to make a bomb.”
— Andy Weir,
“Awesome.""Awesome squared.""Awesome cubed.""Awesome to the power of infinity.""The square root of awesome is-""-Asha." We finish at the same time and laugh.”
— Hannah Harrington,
“I suppose when you say you slept with him, it was more than just a nap?"Lillian shot her a withering glance. "Daisy, don’t be a pea wit.”
— Lisa Kleypas,
“One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.”
— Carroll Bryant
“Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.”
— Bauvard,
“The woman rolled her eyes. “DarkRiver males are damn possessive and complete exhibitionists during the mating dance.”Sascha ran through her dictionary of changeling terminology and could find no fit. “Mating dance?”Mercy whistled. Dorian winced. Tamsyn suddenly got interested in her dough. Clay and Vaughn mysteriously disappeared. Behind her, Lucas’s body was a hard wall of heat. “I think we need to discuss this upstairs.”
— Nalini Singh,
“Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there."Welcome!" he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!""Thank you!"He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.“Is he — a bit mad?” he asked Percy uncertainly."Mad?" said Percy airily. "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry?”
— J.K. Rowling,
“I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might actually love me, in return. I am having a relationship with this pizza, almost an affair.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert,
“His eyes widened. Oh, hell, you think I'm going to let him bite me? No way. It's too risky and way too guy.”
— C.C. Hunter,
“You'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.”
— Steven Tyler
“At least my happiness doesn't depend on Ron's goalkeeping ability.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“Minutes passed by. A little blue butterfly landed on my nose. I blinked at it and it fluttered to my ear. A big yellow butterfly gently floated over and landed on my paw. Soon a whole swarm of them floated up and down around me, like a swirl of multicolored petals. It happened in my backyard, too, if the magic was strong enough. Butterflies were small and light, and very magic sensitive. For some reason I made them feel safe and they gravitated to me like iron shavings to a magnet. They ruined my ferocious badass image, but you’d have to be a complete beast to swat butterflies.If a baby deer frolicked out from between the buildings trying to cuddle up, I would roar. I wouldn’t bite it, but I would roar. I had my limits.”
— Ilona Andrews,
“Um i'm happy to sit close to you and everything, but i had no idea you would like it so much,' Paris muttered.”
— Gena Showalter,
“It’s one thing to protect yourself,” Dad yelled at me during our very next lunch. “That I get. Have I ever told you not to defend yourself? No. But did you have to permanently maim him? I spent all that money on that on that fancy school for girls-not to mention all that money for the shrinks-and what did that get me?”I shrugged. “A seven-figure civil suit?”
— Meg Cabot,
“The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you.”
— Criss Jami,
“Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there's lots of Eastern Grays around this area. What do you say? Are you in?'Bergman looked at him like he'd just made the worst financial investment of his life. 'Kangaroos are wild animals. I've heard they claw like girl fighters and kick like jackhammers. You're going to get your skull crushed.'Cole held up a finger. 'Or I'm going to pet a kangaroo. How cool would that be?”
— Jennifer Rardin,
“Thinking, not for the first time, that life should come with a trapdoor. Just a little exit hatch you could disappear through when you´d utterly and completely mortified yourself. Or when you had spontaneous zit eruptions.“Good book?” he asked, taking it from her and reading the subtitle, “A Guide for Good Girls Who (Sometimes) Want to Be Bad,” out loud.But life did not come with a trapdoor. ”
— Michele Jaffe,
“I had a dream about you last night... you were there.”
— Nicole McKay,
“Aelin would likely laughed to see him now. The man who had stumbled out of her room after she’d declared that her cycle had arrived. Now sitting in this fine room, mostly naked and not giving a shit about it.”
— Sarah J. Maas,
“Shouts of dismay rose as the red flesh splattered against the table. It was only a tomato, but one would think I was pulping a decaying heart by the noise the big, strong FIB officers were making.”
— Kim Harrison,
“Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.”
— Bauvard,
“OY! Stop playing around and lets cook already!"*smack*J-just now, that made a really loud noise.."Do you wanna hear it again?"N-no, you'll just hit me again!"Kyo and Tohru”
— Natsuki Takaya,
“Most of the time romance isn't even about love, anyway. It's about escape. Fantasy. Salvation from the mundane. Save me from boredom, from exhaustion, from my undersexed body, from microwave dinners and reality TV, from going to bed alone with a vibrator or a cat. Save me from my desperately ordinary life.”
— Leah Raeder,
“If you call yourself an "authoress" on your Facebook profile, you suck at life. You are stupid and your children are ugly. It doesn't matter if you're just trying to be cute and original. You're not. You are about as original as all those other witless twits "writing" the one millionth shitty Fifty Shades clone. Or maybe you're trying to show your 2000 fake Facebook "friends" that you are an empowered feminist who will not stand for sexist terminology. But you're not showing people that you are fighting the good fight, you're showing people that you are a sheep, who's trying just a little too hard to ride the current wave of idiotic political correctness. The word "author" is no more gender-discrimination than the word "person." Do you call yourself a personess? No, of course not, because then you might as well wear a sign around your neck that says, "Hello, I'm a retard.”
— Oliver Markus
“Called her a whore and attacked her walls, tearing down her posters and throwing her books everywhere. I found out because some whitegirl ran up and said, Excuse me, but your stupid roommate is going insane, and I had to bolt upstairs and put him in a headlock.”
— Junot Díaz,
“Venice is beautiful, but like a Bergman movie is beautiful; you can admire it, but you don't really want to live in it.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert,
“Like your zodiac sign?' Percy asked. 'I'm a Leo.''No, stupid,' Leo said. 'I'm a Leo. You're a Percy.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Want a little cheese with that whine, maestro?”
— Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux
“If he can't get to the clock, any idea how we deal with this lot?""With great care," Donegan suggested."How about we run off shout and they follow?" Said Gracious. "Then, just when they think they've caught us they fall into our trap.""OK," said Tanith. "And that trap would be?""A big hole we'd dug earlier and covered with branches.'Tanith frowned. "I thought you were meant to be smart."Gracious frowned back at her. "Who told you that?""Gracious is book smart," said Donegan. "He leaves the real world thinking to people like you and me and small dogs that he meets.""The innocent are often the wisest.”
— Derek Landy,
“It was time for the mirror pep talk.“Okay, Maggie,” I said to myself after my shower, wiping the steam off the medicine cabinet.“You could eat these kids for breakfast. You won’t, though, because that would be cannibalistic andwrong.”
— Robin Benway,
“I squinted at her. “You’re an adult.” “You’re an adult too.” “But you’re an older adult. You’ve had more practice.” Mom leaned back and laughed.”
— Ilona Andrews,
“Mooooon!” said the Ogre. “Tranquility …” Then he pointed at the full moon. “Neil Armstrong walked in a sea of tranquility.” Then he added, “It’s made of cheese. But you have to take off the plastic before you put it on a burger.”Mikey sighed.“What’s his story?” the wraith asked.“He’s chocolate,” Mikey said.”
— Neal Shusterman,
“He said, " I'm a witch."And I said, "You're a wizard, Harry,”
— T.J. Klune,
“I had a dream about you last night. We were plug sockets in the bedroom. We saw only a short part of their day, but we knew everything of it.”
— Michael  Summers,
“If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took's great-grand-uncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfimbul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment.”
— J.R.R. Tolkien,
“I stared at the phone in disbelief, then ripped a clean sheet of paper from my notebook. I scribbled ' Jerk ' on the first line. On the line beneath it I added, ' Smokes cigars. Will die of lung cancer. Hopefully soon.”
— Becca Fitzpatrick,
“We must, we must, we must increase our bust.”
— Judy Blume,
“Once upon a time, fairy tales were AWESOME!”
— Adam Gidwitz,
“Shigure Sohma: So anyway I was wondering if you could stop by the house and take a look at Tohru's cut. That is if it isn't a problem. Hatori Sohma: No problem. I'll stop by the house this evening.  Shigure Sohma: Hmmm What's this Hatori I don't think I ever heard you sound so eager to come over. Could it be you have a secret crush on Tohru  [long silence from the other end of the phone] Shigure Sohma: [shouts] I knew it You naughty naughty man you  Hatori Sohma: No I was simply too amazed by your stupidity to say anything.”
— Natsuki Takaya
“Halt," said Horace, "I've been thinking..."Halt and Will exchanged an amused glance. "Always a dangerous pastime," they chorused. For many years, it had been Halt's unfailing response when Will had made the same statement. Horace waited patiently while they had their moment of fun, then continued."Yes, yes. I know. But seriously, as we said last night, Macindaw isn't so far away from here...""And?" Halt asked, seeing how Horace had left the statement hanging."Well, there's a garrison there and it might not be a b ad idea for one of to go fetch some reinforcements. It wouldn't hurt to have a dozen knights and men-at-arms to back us up when we run into Tennyson."But Halt was already shaking his head."Two problems, Horace. It'd take too long for one of us to get there, explain it all and mobilize a force. And even if we could do it quickly, I don't think we'd want a bunch of knights blundering around the countryside, crashing through the bracken, making noise and getting noticed." He realized that statement had been a little tactless. "No offense, Horace. Present company excepted, of course.”
— John Flanagan,
“He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. "You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don't you, Mouse?""Nope!""Ahhh, I'm hurt. Nobody likes me.”
— Ilona Andrews,
“Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase."I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk."They're for you.""You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?”
— Holly Black,
“Somehow the idea of Montgomery as a fairy doesn't have the same effect on me as it appears to have on you.-Raphael”
— Nalini Singh,
“Amelie said, “I won’t be your servant in Morganville. Nor should you be mine. Equals.” She offered her hand to him, and he looked down at it, clearly taken aback. But he took it. “Now defend what is ours, my partner.”He grinned … grinned! … and whirled to meet Myrnin in midleap as Myrnin attacked.”
— Rachel Caine,
“You realise you’re going to owe me dinner after this, right?”“How does McDonald’s sound?”“Inadequate.”
— Sarah Mayberry,
“As always, she was carrying the washing. Rudy was carrying two buckets of cold water, or as he put it, two buckets of future ice.”
— Markus Zusak,
“If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth”
— J.A. Saare,
“Why must this be so mortifying? Oh, that's right. Because its my life.”
— Tessa Dare,
“Okay, so, flying,” I started, taking a deep breath and focusing on the thing I loved most in the world. “Flying is … great. It feels great when you’re doing it. It’s fun. Pure freedom. There’s nothing better.”Dylan smiled, a slow, easy smile that seemed to light up his whole face.“So the first thing we’re going to do,” I told him, “is push you off the roof.”
— James Patterson,
“You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone.”
— John Madden
“No, but as a vampire, I'm able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy.”
— Rachel Hawkins,