Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“Too bad. Family members hit you by accident. Psychopathic whores tend to come back for more.”
— Richelle Mead,
“Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.”
— Louis C.K.
“Wow. What'd he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn't set the building on fire in the first place.”
— Richelle Mead,
“Gundar seemed to come to a decision. "Well, as my old mam used to say, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's probably a duck." "Very wise," Halt said. "And what exactly do your mother's words of wisdom have to do with this situation?" Gundar shrugged. "It looks like a channel. It's the right place for a channel. If I were digging one, this is where I'd dig a channel. So. . ." "So it's probably the channel?" Selethen said. Gundar grinned at him. "Either that or it's a duck.”
— John Flanagan,
“If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged”
— Terry Pratchett,
“You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab."Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it!”
— Rachel Caine,
“He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?" "Like what?""Like hitting on you.""Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way." Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee."What? You think he does?""Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.""Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?""Not enough coffee.”
— Rachel Caine,
“St. Clair gets a crush on Anna. He's torn between her and Ellie, and he spends so much time running between them that he hardly has time left for Josh. And the more time that Josh spends alone, the more he realizes how alone he actually is. All of his friends will be gone the next year. Josh grows increasingly antagonistic toward school, which makes Rashmi increasingly antagonistic toward him, which makes him increasingly antagonistic toward her. And she's upset because Elie dropped her as a friend, and Meredith is upset because now St. Clair likes two girls who aren't her, and Anna is upset because St. Clair is leading her on, and then St. Clair's mom gets cancer. It's a freaking soap opera.”
— Stephanie Perkins,
“Dee loves it here. Before you came, she spent most of her days here."To Daemon, my arrival was the beginning of the end. The apocalypse. Kat-mageddon. "You know, I'm not going to get your sister in trouble.""We'll see.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“Raffin appeared again, a floor above her, on the balconied passageway that ran past his workrooms. He leaned over the railing and called down to her. "Kat!""What is it?""You look lost . Have you forgotten the way to your rooms?""I'm stalling.""How long will you be? I'd like to show you a couple of my new discoveries.""I've been told to make myself pretty for dinner."He grinned. "Well in that case, you'll be ages."His face dissolved into laughter, and she tore a button from one of her bags an hurled it at him. He squealed and dropped to the floor, and the button hit the wall right where he'd been standing. When he peeked back over the railing, she stood in the courtyard with her hands on her hips, grinning. "I missed on purpose," she said."Show off! Come if you have time." He waved, and turned into his rooms.”
— Kristin cashore,
“মিথ্যা হলো শয়তানের বিয়ের মন্ত্র। মিথ্যা বললেই শয়তানের বিয়ে হয়। বিয়ে হওয়া মানেই সন্তান-সন্ততি হওয়া। একটা মিথ্যার পর আরো অনেকগুলি মিথ্যা বলতে হয় এই কারণেই।পরের মিথ্যাগুলি শয়তানের সন্তান।”
— Humayun Ahmed,
“Shane dragged Eve's suitcase into the room and dumped it on the floor beside her bed. “Hey, Dark Princess? Here’s your crap. Also, bite me.”
— Rachel Caine,
“To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans”
— Zoë Marriott,
“Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry," Archer offered.”
— Rachel Hawkins,
“What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?”
— Kiersten White,
“Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?' Minho asked..."Go ahead," Newt replied.Minho nodded and faced the crowd. 'Be careful,' he said dryly. 'Don't die.'Thomas would have laughed if he could, but he was too scared for it to come out.'Great. We're all bloody inspired,' Newt answered.”
— James Dashner,
“Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.- Jane”
— J.R. Ward,
“Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.”
— Lili St. Crow
“I'm a little bit naked, but that's okay.”
— Lady Gaga
“The Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is...42!”
— Douglas Adams,
“A pause followed my greeting. Then “We’re watching you ” whispered the voice on the other end.“Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? ”Silence. Then dial tone.These younger demons. So easily discouraged.”
— Josh Lanyon,
“People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.”
— Terry Pratchett,
“Are you in a suit?" I managed at last, my voice choking up. "You didn’t have to dress up for me.""Quiet, Sage," he said. "I’ll make the hilarious one-liners during this daring rescue.”
— Richelle Mead,
“And while my mind is telling me I'm flirting with her just to prove a point, my body wants to play "you show me your perky privates and I'll show you mine.”
— Simone Elkeles,
“Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.”
— Christopher Moore,
“It's funny. No matter how hard you try, you can't close your heart forever. And the minute you open it up, you never know what's going to come in. But when it does, you just have to go for it! Because if you don't, there's not point in being here.”
— Kirstie Alley
“I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.”
— Katie McGarry,
“I'm having a panic attack, you inconsiderate ass.”
— Tahereh Mafi,
“Apparently the complete works of Shakespeare packed quite a wallop. To think, my mother said I'd never find use for an English degree. Ha! I'd like to see her knock someone silly with an apron and a cookie press.”
— Rachel Vincent,
“May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch”
— Keisha Keenleyside
“When I was growing up we didn't have a massive house and there were five women running around, so my dad and I had to stick together!”
— Louis Tomlinson,
“I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.”
— Michael  Summers,
“What did you tell them?”“I don't recall. I think I mentioned your discipline and ability to follow orders. I may have said something about you being a team player.”Derek emitted a strangled cough.“Why?” I demanded.“It seemed like a good idea at the time.” Curran resumed hammering.“I'm sorry,” I said into the phone, sticking me finger into my other ear so I could hear. “His Majesty tends to exaggerate things. I'm not a team player. I'm undisciplined and I have a problem with authority. Also, the Beast Lord can't hammer for shit.”On the roof Derek was laughing his head off.”
— Ilona Andrews,
“I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?”
— Ellen DeGeneres,
“This is America. We’re entitled to our opinions.”“Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts.”
— Susan Elizabeth Phillips,
“I love how you still think if you tell me to do something, I'll just check my brain at the door and do it.”
— C.J. Redwine,
“Mussolini?” Leo frowned. “Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?”
— Rick Riordan,
“Myrnin, who hadn't said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he'd suddenly decided to snack on her neck... but it was just a hug. His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. "You've done very well. I'm extremely proud of you," he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. "Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead."Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich.”
— Rachel Caine,
“You okay?""Fine.""Your heart's beating really fast.""Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff."Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.""You sound like Shane.""Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.""Liar.”
— Rachel Caine,
“She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her, just to see her stumble.”
— Cassandra Rose Clarke,
“Legion hissed like a startled cat, the noise scraping at Reyes’s skin. “Me no boy. You think me a boy?”Everyone stopped, stared. Even Aeron.Reyes was the first to find his voice. “You’re a…girl?”A nod. “Me pretty.”“Yes, you are.” Reyes exchanged a glance with Lucien. “Beautiful.”
— Gena Showalter,
“You knocked the door down." Disbelief rang in his matter-of-fact tone. "I know," she answered,unable to say anything else. Unable to look away from his body."But it's solid oak.""I know." She felt the solid oak beneath her and a little shocked that she'd done it, too. If it mattered at all, her shoulder felt a little bruised. And it was the slight pain that brought some reality back into the moment. "You don't have any clothes on." Oh, God, did she really say that?”
— C.C. Hunter,
“She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.""Define BETTER with that guy.""Not all fangs and raaaaar.”
— Rachel Caine,
“He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. "You're so hot," I said, my hand still on his leg. "I'm starting to think you have an amputee fetish," he answered, still kissing me. I laughed."I have an Augustus Waters fetish," I explained.”
— John Green,
“Me neither,” Shane put in. “Homie don’t play that.”“I wonder, sometimes, if your generation speaks English at all,” Amelie said.”
— Rachel Caine,
“Mal snickered. "What's so funny?""I just pictured the Darkling being cornered by a sweaty duchess trying to have her way with him.”
— Leigh Bardugo,
“It's funny how different people are. If I'd been this kid and someone was snarling "Ordering a pizza?" at me, without even thinking, I would have snarled back "Yeah. You want pepperoni?"-Maximum Ride”
— James Patterson,
“Yeah, okay. You're right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steak, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I promised him I wouldn't tell. In exchange I asked him to gather his best undead buddies and stalk me through my friend's yard. And oh, yeah, it was totally fine if they wanted to use me as an all-night-dinner buffet, because having organs is SO last year.”
— Gena Showalter,
“She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.”
— Julia Quinn,
“This cat is looking at me with judgment.”“He’s not,” said Jules. “That’s just his face.”“You look at me the same way,” Mark said, glancing at Julian. “Judgy face.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“I picked up the nearest weapon I could lay my hands on: a stapler. I lifted it, going for “menacing.” I admit it lacked a certain elegance, but hey. It was worth a shot. David placed his hand on my arm and pushed it back down.“What?”“Just . . . that’s embarrassing for all of us,” he replied.”
— Rachel Hawkins,
“I apologized to her once for spending less time with her, but she blew it off. "You're in love. That makes you actually kind of boring to people who aren't in love. You know, the sane ones.”
— Claudia Gray,
“If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for.”
— Amit Kalantri
“Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“Idiot.”“That fact is well established and adds nothing to the plot.”
— Leigh Bardugo,
“Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.”
— Stephenie Meyer,
“Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him. He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. "You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!" He flew out into the hallway like a little cracked-out fairy, screeching, "Tink is freeeeee!"Ren looked at me. "What the actual f**k?"I sighed. "He's obsessed with Harry Potter. I'm sorry."Tink darted back into the room, holding the scarf to his bare chest. "There is no reason to apologize when it comes to Harry Potter.""You do remember what happened to Dobby, right?" I said."S**t." Tink's eyes widened and he dropped the scarf.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.”
— Jim Butcher,
“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.”
— Hedy Lamarr
“It’s always been this way. There were rumors about me even before I was born. It’s why my mother never calls me Sobachka. She says it makes me sound like a mongrel.”My heart gave a little pang at that. I’d been called plenty of names growing up.“I like mongrels,” I said. “They have cute floppy ears.”“My ears are very dignified.”
— Leigh Bardugo,
“Huh, another queen,” Puck mused, an evil grin crossing his face. “Maybe we should drop in and introduce ourselves, ice-boy. Do the whole, hey, we were just in the neighborhood, and we were just wondering if you had any plans to take over the Nevernever. Have a fruit basket.”
— Julie Kagawa,
“Gaia visited her daughter Mnemosyne, who was busy being unpronounceable.”
— Stephen Fry,
“When a window is opened up from the inside for you to climb through, then that window isn't there to be climbed through by you”
— jimmy tudeski,
“I sat on the bed. Neither of us said anything. I wasn't slick and sophisticated enough for this. What do you say to boyfriend A when he finds you naked in the bed of boyfriend B? Especially if boyfriend A turned into a monster the night before and ate someone. I bet Miss Manners didn't cover this at all.”
— Laurell K. Hamilton,
“Honestly, Clary, if you don't start utilizing a bit of your natural feminine superiority I just don't know what I'll do with you.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“Here," Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. "Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone." He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the screwdriver from Claire's numbed fingers, and fastened it with a couple of deft, fast movements. "I'll be your hands."She wanted to cry, because it was so sweet, but it wouldn't do any good.”
— Rachel Caine,
“Please tell me this is easier to take off than it was to put on.”Calla raised a brow. “You do not think Master Kell knows how?”
— V.E. Schwab,
“Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.”
— Rachel Caine,
“Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me?”
— J.K. Rowling,
“Isn’t it so weird how the number of dead people is increasing even though the earth stays the same size, so that one day there isn’t going to be room to bury anyone anymore? For my ninth birthday last year, Grandma gave me a subscription to National Geographic, which she calls “the National Geographic.” She also gave me a white blazer, because I only wear white clothes, and it’s too big to wear so it will last me a long time. She also gave me Grandpa’s camera, which I loved for two reasons. I asked why he didn’t take it with him when he left her. She said, “Maybe he wanted you to have it.” I said, “But I was negative-thirty years old.” She said, “Still.” Anyway, the fascinating thing was that I read in National Geographic that there are more people alive now than have died in all of human history. In other words, if everyone wanted to play Hamlet at once, they couldn’t, because there aren’t enough skulls!”
— Jonathan Safran Foer
“She handed him a glass of water and two Aleve gelcaps. “They’re anti-inflammatories. They will dull the pain a little bit and keep down swelling and redness. Swallow the pills, don’t chew.”“Well, I thought I’d stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I’ll swallow them.”
— Ilona Andrews,
“Scrawny? Baby, I invented scrawny. Scrawny is the new sizzling hot.”
— Rick Riordan,
“It's not called being gay, it's called being fabulous!”
— PewDiePie
“This isn't a Christmas special! This is my life. In the real world, miracles and goodness just don't happen.”
— Richelle Mead,
“I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.”
— Nicole McKay,
“And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.”
— George Eliot,
“I know I'm delicious. Nummy.....nummy.-Vlad”
— Jeaniene Frost,
“Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“What if I was the sexual equivalent of popcorn? Suitable for light snacking only?”
— Rachel Vincent,
“The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.”
— Rick Riordan,
“Otis," I said."Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis.""I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.”
— Rick Riordan,
“girlsplease give yourbodies and yourlivestothe young menwhodeserve thembesidesthere isno wayI would welcometheintolerabledullsenseless hellyou would bringmeandI wish youluckin bedandoutbut notinminethankyou.”
— Charles Bukowski,
“No,” he muttered, running a hand through his copper hair. “No. No. There are dozens.”“Kell?” she asked, moving to touch his arm.He shook her off. “Dozens of ships, Lila! And you had to climb aboard his.”“I’m sorry,” she shot back, bristling, “I was under the impression that I was free to do as I pleased.”“To be fair,” added Alucard, “I think she was planning to steal it and slit my throat.”“Then why didn’t you?” snarled Kell, spinning on her. “You’re always so eager to slash and stab, why couldn’t you have stabbed him?”
— V.E. Schwab,
“Be careful you don't cut yourself. The edges are sharp enough to shave with.''Girls don't shave', Arya said.'Maybe they should. Have you ever seen the septa's legs?”
— George R.R. Martin,
“I had an uneventful few days," it told her. "The most exciting thing was an hour-long lecture from the headmaster on taking our studies seriously. He said next year's exam will arrive sooner than we think.""No, they won't," Valkyrie said, frowning. "They'll arrive next year, exactly when we expect them.""That's what I told him," the reflection nodded. "I don't think he's comfortable with logic, because he didn't look happy. He sent me to the Career Guidance counsellor, who asked me what I wanted to do after college."Valkyrie stowed her black clothes. "What did you say?""I told her I wanted to be a Career Guidance counsellor. She started crying, then accused me of mocking her. I told her if she wasn't happy in her job then she should look at other options, then pointed out that I was already doing her job better than she was. She gave me detention.”
— Derek Landy,
“I'm about as intimidating as a butterfly.”
— Dan Howell
“I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.”
— Criss Jami,
“My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel.”
— Michelle Hodkin,
“Stick your dick in’?” I asked, my brows probably touching. “Did you actually just say that?” “Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks. It would be beautiful, pumpkin. There’d be little angels, and birdies, and you know … all just hanging around, watching. Perverts.”
— Kylie Scott,
“The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies.”
— Criss Jami,
“You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.”
— Cynthia Hand,
“Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.”
— Mark Twain
“America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”
— Stephen Colbert,
“When I was alive, I mean the first time, Mussolini was in charge. We were at war.”“Mussolini?” Leo frowned. “Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?”
— Rick Riordan,
“Oliver laughed - actually laughed."I like this new Claire," he said. "You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She's interesting when she's forthright."Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the finger. Which made him laugh again, shake his head, and walk up the steps.”
— Rachel Caine,
“Emergency Valve Regulators," she repeated. "So you do know what your doing?"Not really," he said yanking another wire. 'I made up that term to keep you happy. I'm just pulling all the red wires because they're the pretty ones.”
— Derek Landy,
“Breckin shrugs. “I’m new here. And if you haven’t deducted from my impeccable fashion sense, I think it’s safe to say that I’m…” he leans forward and cups his hand to his mouth in secrecy. “Mormon,” he whispers.”
— Colleen Hoover,
“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”
— Chelsea Handler,
“And she says, “Then let’s just take the effing road and get ourselves to Haven.”I smile, a little. “You said effing,” I say. “You actually said the word effing.”
— Patrick Ness,
“*Appendix usually means "small outgrowth from large intestine," but in this case it means "additional information accompanying main text." Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.”
— Pseudonymous Bosch,
“If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.I’d like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun—I’m afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.”
— Rick Riordan,
“I guess I can't blame him for feeling bitter. Going from being the terror of Bulgarian nights to a janitor would kinda suck”
— Kiersten White,
“Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”“I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity.”
— Rachel Caine,
“No headboards were broken.”
— John Green,
“Log Entry: SOL 118My conversation with NASA about the Water Reclaimer was boring and riddled with technical details. So I'll paraphrase for you:Me: "This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and check the internal tubing?"NASA: (After about 5 hours of deliberation) "No. You'll fuck it up and die."So I took it apart.”
— Andy Weir,
“I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.”
— David Sedaris,