Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“Orion nodded, then asked, “Dwarf cheese?”“Cheese made by dwarfs.”“Oh,” said Orion, relieved. “They make it. It’s not actually . . .”“No. What a horrible thought.”“Exactly.”
— Eoin Colfer,
“I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.”
— Maureen Johnson,
“She had put on make-up in a colour scheme that indicated she might be colourblind.”
— Stieg Larsson,
“Whatever my ancestors did to you, none of them consulted me.”
— Tad Williams,
“I'm dating three men, living with two more, and having occasional sex with two others. That's seven men. I'm like a pornographic Snow White. I think seven is plenty.”
— Laurell K. Hamilton,
“Stupid Romanian bloodsucker. He was lucky I hadn't bestowed another exalted scar on his imperial body.”
— Beth Fantaskey,
“I tended to hate people that hit me in the head without warning.”
— Amanda Hocking,
“In my opinion, all boyfriends should turn out to be secretly wealthy.”
— Claudia Gray,
“Look, I'm a guy. Your ass was touching my groin. Of course I'm going to pop a boner. It's a natural reaction.”
— Gwen Hayes,
“She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.”
— Terry Pratchett,
“Mama operated under the assumption that I was eight years old and incapable of feeding myself. It was physically impossible for her to cross my threshold without some form of nourishment. She once offered me cheese and crackers from her while we were standing in my kitchen.”
— Molly Harper,
“Idiot," I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine. "We need to pick new pet names for each other," he muttered as I hefted myself up from the ground.”
— Molly Harper,
“All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.”
— Carroll Bryant
“I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked.”
— Molly Harper,
“Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. "I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.”
— T.J. Klune,
“Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm inexperienced? Because, if so, that's just rude. And what were you doing at Shenanigans? And how did you find me on the road?"Gabriel looked wounded. "To answer your questions in order: The only body fluid I exchanged with you is blood--""That's very comforting, thank you.”
— Molly Harper,
“Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast. "What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?Too harsh?”
— Molly Harper,
“I never knew how much I missed pickles and pickle juice. It's like, an overwhelming feeling that I can't even explain.”
— Snooki
“Your perception is riveting, Amal," he says in a bored and sarcastic tone, dropping the note down on my desk. "It's comforting to know that there are people in my class who have the maturity and intelligence to make derogatory comments about other people's external appearances."Now what am I supposed to say to that?"What do you have to say for yourself?"Friggin' mind reader.”
— Randa Abdel-Fattah,
“Jane Jameson."He grinned. "Like the porn star."I gaped at him. "What? No, Jane Jameson.""Oh, not as fun," he said, making disappointed clucking noises.”
— Molly Harper,
“I offered you a choice, and you took it."I shot him what I hoped was a truly scathing glare. "Some choice. I was dying. Some drunk shot me from a pickup. Why wouldn't I have just woken up with gonorrhea like every other girl of loose moral fiber?”
— Molly Harper,
“She's your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you're angry, you both get these tense lines around your mouth...Look, there they are.”
— Molly Harper,
“Besides, my drinking blood's not nearly as weird as that time I caught you shaving your legs.""I was curious!”
— Molly Harper,
“I wanted to call you, but I find myself feeling...awkward when it comes to you.""'Awkward' is the word du jour," I agreed. "So, I make you nervous?""Not quite nervous," he said. "Just unsettled."I wriggled my eyebrows and inched a little closer to him. "Unsettled, that's even better.”
— Molly Harper,
“Would you kick her ass already?" Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. "Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad."I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a grunt and staggering back toward my opponent. Behind me, Zeb yelled, "She tried to hurt Fitz!" He turned to Gabriel and Dick. "That'll get her mad."Gabriel rolled his eyes. "She's been framed for murder twice over, shot in the back, her arms were set on fire, and her parents are being held hostage. You think tampered dog water is what's going to make her angry?" "You tried to hurt my dog!" I wheezed as I lurched toward a grinning Missy.”
— Molly Harper,
“I said I was sorry, Dani..." Kevin said, as they entered the apartment."I'm so not talking to you.""I couldn't help it! She was so funny, and you were blushing, and... gawd, Dani, I couldn't help it!""You just had to get us all soft pretzels, didn't you... just had to make sure we'd walk right by that lingerie store...""Dani... it, uh, it hadn't even occurred to me-""I hate you! When I go to therapy about this, I'm going to send you the bill!""You're beautiful when your angry.""Then I must be fucking gorgeous right now!""You are.""... Well, I'm still not talking to you.”
— Failte,
“I have a funny side. I have a soft and sympathetic side. I have a serious side, and a seriously romantic side. I have lots of sides; it's the main course I haven't quite figured out.”
— Richelle E. Goodrich,
“I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.”
— Dylan Moran
“I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.”
— Jane Austen,
“Ah, damn it, lass,'he called after her. 'I've busted my stitches wide open.''What?'she cried, hurrying back to him. 'Let me see!''Ah-ha!' He snared her around the waist, dragging her down with him to his lap.'You still care for me!”
— Kresley Cole,
“OKAY. So I was going to the library every Saturday. So what? So what? It's not like I was reading books or anything.”
— Gary D. Schmidt,
“I often arrive at quite sensible ideas and judgements, on the spur of the moment. It is when I stop to think that I become foolish.”
— Jerome K. Jerome,
“What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning-- and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.”
— Lewis Carroll,
“Fifteen minutes later, a meeting was called. "Okay, look." Deb's face was dead serious. "I know I just joined this project, and I don't want to offend anyone. But I'm going to be honest. I think you've been going about this all wrong." "I'm offended," Dave told her flatly.”
— Sarah Dessen,
“Lepida, has anyone ever told you that you're a cruel spiteful selfish slut?...You're vicious. You're unprincipled. You mistreat your slaves and abuse your daughter. And furthermore you're the worst, most neglectful, most criminal wife in Rome. I think we can go now.”
— Kate Quinn,
“You totally love him. He's your widdle snookums.”
— Thea Harrison,
“The inside is packed with people. Lots of them crowding the bar, passing drinks back for people to carry to tables. A bunch of guys are pouring shots of vodka."To Zacharov!" one toasts."To open hearts and open bars!" calls another."And open legs," says Anton.”
— Holly Black,
“And if that is the Foremast, what do you think that sail might be called, Mr. Wheeler?""The Foresail?""Very good, Mr. Wheeler, and the next one up would be called..."..."The Next Sail, Sir?""Alas, no, Mr. Wheeler.”
— L. A. Meyer
“Ladies pick funny things to be proud of.”
— Harper Lee
“Totally drained he could only manage one but he made it a good one tongue included. “Delicious ” he murmured.  “So depraved ” Colton muttered.  “Thank you.”  “Get off me.”  “Mine ”  “Stings.”  “Boohoo.”
— Finn Marlowe,
“I threatened to kung fu you. Oh my God.”
— Jill Shalvis,
“According to the fortune-cookie logic most people live by, the best things in life are free. That's crap. I have a gold-plated robot that scratches the exact part of my back where my hands can't reach, and it certainly wasn't free.”
— Josh Lieb,
“I handed him a beaker and toyed with the pleats of my skirt. The folds kept rippling against my knees in a distracting way. It was one of Naomi's additions to my wardrobe. I quickly decided that I hated it.”
— Andrea Cremer,
“so this crow comes and it starts quacking at us.”
— Snooki
“Tag opened the door to his knock, and with a look of disappointment, peered behind Wade."You got someone better coming over?" Wade asked him."Pizza," Tag said.”
— Jill Shalvis,
“What part of Canada are you from, honey?""THE LEFT PART," said Jay.”
— Adam Rex,
“Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.”
— Jean Shepherd
“I live on shameless flattery...and vodka...but the two usually go hand in hand.”
— V. Vee
“Rose unearthed three crystal goblets that almost matched, and even found a tablecloth that hadn't been attacked by moths since its last public appearance.”
— Elizabeth C. Bunce,
“I will receive it sir with all diligence of spirit. Put your bonnet to his right use, 'tis for the head.OSRIC I thank you lordship, it is very hot.HAMLET No believe me, 'tis very cold, the wind is northerly.OSRIC It is indifferent cold my lord, indeed.HAMLET But yet methinks it is very sultry and hot for my complexion.OSRIC Exceedingly my lord, it is very sultry, as 'twere - I cannot tell how. But my lord, his majesty bade me signify to you that a has laid a great wager on your head. Sir, this is the matter -HAMLET I beseech you remember.(Hamlet moves him to put on his hat)”
— William Shakespeare
“That's worst than gonerreha, man!”
— Ned Vizzini,
“Excuse me, your attention please.” He waited until the whole floor had stopped what it was doing and turned to face him. For a split second his impulse control kicked in, but by then his mouth was fully engaged. “For the record, Claire Marsden and I are not having sex.”
— Sarah Mayberry,
“You want me to be a man,older than you, who goes by the name of Roullard.”
— Wendelin Van Draanen,
“There were, however, a few exceptions.One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not very gently, on the lawn, where it was hoped that a hyena would give him a rude awakening. For all practical purposes he could, therefore, be regarded as absent.”
— Arthur C. Clarke,
“Sadly, however, the sight of her generous D cups no longer sparked an ounce of interest from Little Sam, the man in charge of social activities.”
— Sarah Mayberry,
“The skanky vamp biting for bucks on the dark end of state street is your ex boyfriend?" William asked. The look on William's face implied he hoped I washed after interacting with Parrish”
— Tate Hallaway,
“How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?”
— Carroll Bryant
“Now how do I access Google?”Was he serious? “Why do you need Google?”“When don’t you need Google?”He was serious. “How about when you have a powerful, multimillion dollar government interface linked to numerous intelligence agencies across the globe right in front of you.”Dex squinted at him, his lips pursed thoughtfully. “So… is that a no on Google?”“Are you on medication?”
— Charlie Cochet,
“Everybody just lets the media do their thinking for them... that's why you'll never hear any reggae on the radio!”
— Daniel Clowes,
“That explains a lot,' he said. 'I suppose it's also why we've never glimpsed that giant compass in the corner of the Atlantic. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed.”
— Gideon Defoe,
“When Matthew merely stared at him, Jackson reached into the weapon box and pulled out a sheathed machete, handing it to the boy.Matthew laughed and dropped it.”
— Kresley Cole,
“I haven't met that many women, human or angelic, who actually like to drive. In my experience they seem to be much more pragmatic about the whole thing than we are. For most males, driving is an extension of their masculinity; they have little fantasy scenarios going all the time - races, chases, and dramatic combat with other drivers. Females, on the other hand, generally seem to view driving as something you do to get somewhere. I know, crazy.”
— Tad Williams,
“Wondering where Ranger was now, when I needed him. Why wasn’t he here, insisting on locking me up in a safe house? Now that my hamster’s cage was clean, I’d be happy to oblige.”
— Janet Evanovich,
“Through lightest dark or darkest light, You dont need no bling to join the fight. We're mercs with mouths and so much more, Yippee-ki-yay, we're the Deadpool Corps!”
— Deadpool
“(True,) the white hole said. (My name is Khairelikoblepharehglukumeilichephreidosd'enagouni-) and at the same time he went flickering through a pattern of colors that was evidently the visual translation.”
— Diane Duane,
“Have they built cities on the moon?" another boy asked hopefully."We left some garbage and a flag there in the sixties, but thats about it.”
— Ransom Riggs,
“Decoupage hit Mooreland pretty hard...”
— Haven Kimmel,
“Once a Buddha, always a Buddha, Sam. Dust off some of your old parables. You have about fifteen minutes.' Sam held out his hand. "Give me some tobacco and a paper.”
— Roger Zelazny,
“As is perhaps obvious, Morris Zapp had no great esteem for his fellow-labourers in the vineyards of literature. They seemed to him vague, fickle, irresponsible creatures, who wallowed in relativism like hippopotami in mud, with their nostrils barely protruding into the air of common-sense. They happily tolerated the existence of opinions contrary to their own — they even, for God’s sake, sometimes changed their minds. Their pathetic attempts at profundity were qualified out of existence and largely interrogative in mode. They liked to begin a paper with some formula like, ‘I want to raise some questions about so-and-so’, and seemed to think they had done their intellectual duty by merely raising them. This manoeuvre drove Morris Zapp insane. Any damn fool, he maintained, could think of questions; it was answers that separated the men from the boys.”
— David Lodge
“Lawyers were notorious for finding cases in the most unlikely places, especially ones with huge potential damagers awards.”
— Jodi Picoult,
“All right, my hope—but I am not saying the rest of it—I have something you need to feel.”She feigned the sound of outrage. “But we barely know each other, sir!”He laughed softly. “But you must hold it in your hand and feel it change,” he urged, in her ear. “I insist. I can wait no longer.”She knew they were on a serious subject, but the flutter of his breath on her skin, the low drawl of his words—heat raced along all her nerve endings. “Will I like it?”“Well, I do have to apologize for its size. It is rather small.” And with that, he pressed something rather small into her hand.”
— Sherry Thomas,
“A new baby! Why, Scarlett, this is a surprise!” he laughed, leaning down to push the blanket away from Ella Lorena's small ugly face." - Rhett Butler”
— Margaret Mitchell,
“I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you were sad or because you’d been laughing too hard. So I decided to find out by telling you that I’d just heard from the cops, and your mother had been murdered. Before I got to the punch line you started sobbing in a different manner, so I realized you’d been laughing earlier. By that time the mood had changed, and I decided it best not to deliver the punch line after all. So I sat down next to you and put my arm around you and tried to console you for your perceived loss.  ”
— Dora J. Arod,
“Rubenesque: the word for masterpiece curves. Screw you, unsalted rice cakes.”
— Christine Heppermann,
“Since Love is a greased pig wasn't a particularly dignified motto, she decided the Latin translation was more elegant: Amor est uncta porcus.”
— Lisa Kleypas,
“Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.”
— George Jean Nathan
“It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital.”
— Weston Locher,
“America pays defense contractors to build aircraft carriers. Google pays brilliant programmers to do whatever the hell they want.”
— Robin Sloan,
“I'm leaving the door partly open," he says as he follows Tegan. "You scream if you need me."Once he is outside, Richard says, "He does realize that if he hears your scream, it's already too late.”
— J.A. London,
“[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee.”
— Weston Locher,
“Though I normally approve of plain speaking, as you know, I would suggest that as part of your good behavior, you refer to the king as 'his grace' or even simply 'the king' instead of 'that creature,' by the way.”
— Susan Higginbotham,
“How are we going to get out of here?""Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan.""Do we have the right plan?""Not yet.""Do we have any plan?""Not yet.”
— Derek Landy,
“It would seem very silly to start a conversation with a common hedgehog. They are not at all like cats, who surely understand the human language.”
— Erin Forbes,
“Oz lists the hem of his shirt, exposing his cut abs, and wipes his brow with the material. Oh my with chocolate on top. That was just beautiful.”
— Katie McGarry,
“Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“It's a joke in the zoo business, a weary joke, that the paperwork involved in trading a shrew weighs more than an elephant, that the paperwork involved in trading an elephant weighs more than a whale, and that you must never try to trade a whale, never.”
— Yann Martel,
“The most effective cross-examination of Linda Kasabian was surprisingly that of Ronald Hughes. Though this was his first trial, and he frequently made procedural mistakes, Hughes was familiar with the hippie subculture, having been a part of it. He knew about drugs, mysticism, karma, auras, vibrations, and when he questioned Linda about these things, he made her look just a little odd, just a wee bit zingy. He had her admitting that she believed in ESP, that there were times at Spahn when she actually felt she was a witch.  Q. "Do you feel that you are controlled by Mr. Manson's vibrations?" A. "Possibly." Q. "Did he put off a lot of vibes?" A. "Sure, he's doing it right now." Hughes "May the record reflect, Your Honor, that Mr. Manson is merely sitting here." Kanarek "He doesn't seem to be vibrating.”
— Vincent Bugliosi,
“Go out with me tomorow night," Perry went on. "Let me prove to you that I'm the guy you want.""I...I guess I coul go out tomorrow night," Miranda sounded shocked and a little swept off her feet.Then, from the corner of her eyes. Kylie saw something move at the office window. When she looked back, she spotted Burnett and Holiday standing there high-fiving each other. No doubt Burnett was listening to the coversation and sharing the details with Holiday.Perry nodded, stepped closer, and then pressed a quick kiss on Miranda's cheek. It had to be the most romantic thing Kylie had ever seen. ..."What?" Miranda asked. "You're happy my date [with Todd] wasn't exciting?" "No," Kylie said. "Let's just say we're more excited about tomorrow night's date."A bright smile lit up Miranda's face. "Me too. Can you believ Perry did that? I mean, he was so...""Romantic," Kylie said."Hot," Della added."Sweet," Miranda whispered. "I couldn't stop thinkibng about him all night."And that was the best news Kylie had gotten all day.”
— C.C. Hunter,
“Your... Your aura. It's... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex?”
— Richelle Mead,
“The logic behind patriotism is a mystery. At least a man who believes that his own family or clan is superior to all others is familiar with more than 0.000003% of the people involved.”
— Criss Jami,
“Scott Waldron.' 'What?' Robbie's lip curled in a glimace of disgust. 'The jockstrap? Why, does he need you to teach him how to read?' I scowled at him. 'Just because he's captain of the football team doesn't mean you can be a jerk. Or are you jealous?' 'Oh, of course, that's it,' Robbie said with a sneer. 'I've always wanted the IQ of a rock. No, wait. That would be an insult to the rock...”
— Julie Kagawa,
“It was a full Spears album, apparently, and each song was as ridiculous as the one before. They were catchy, yes, but so was the plague.”
— Heidi Cullinan,
“If my name was Richard, I'd go by Richard or Rich...not Dick. Hell I'd even settle for being called Chard.”
— Simone Elkeles,
“I really don’t think you should put your hand inside the manticore, dear. You don’t know where it’s been. —Enid Healy”
— Seanan McGuire,
“Myrnin was silent for a beat, and then he said, "Bob would be very disappointed in you.”
— Rachel Caine,
“It means the third rail has seven hundred volts of direct current running through it. Touch it and you're human popcorn”
— James Patterson
“Are there any other missing persons living under your roof? Elvis? Jimmy Hoffa? Amelia Earhart? I'd just like full disclosure now, before we go any further.”
— Maggie Stiefvater,
“Lia let out a low growl and moved her arrow to the base of his fat throat. "What do you think, Gabi? Would you like to see these nuptials through?""Not this day," I said"How about on the morrow?" Marcello asked, smiling and lifting my hand to his lips. "If I am your groom?""Hold that eHarmony thought," Lia whispered in English. "We gotta get out of here.”
— Lisa Tawn Bergren,
“...that was before I'd started thinking about how life stuck on a ship wouldn't be so bad if Elder walked around pantless more.”
— Beth Revis,
“But he is an Italian," was Umberto's sensible reply. "He doesn't care if you break some law a little bit, as long as you wear beautiful shoes. Are you wearing beautiful shoes? Are you wearing the shoes I gave you?...principessa?"I looked down at my flip-flops. "I guess I'm toast.”
— Anne Fortier,
“It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a house or something.”
— Catherine Gilbert Murdock,
“The Rusty Ruins were the remains of an old city, a hulking reminder of back when there'd been way too many people, and everyone was incredibly stupid. And ugly.”
— Scott Westerfeld,
“In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment.”
— Janet Evanovich,
“Impressive," Court offered, gallantly bending to retrieve the shoe. "You should join the theater.""Fuck you.""I owed you that.""Revenge is a dish best served with a side of handcuffs and a hard ass-fucking. Remember that."Really is a dirty fighter. Goddamn.”
— Finn Marlowe,
“Just because we don't understand why they'd cover up something doesn't mean they aren't," Bobby said, and we both turned to look at him. "Now you just sound paranoid," I said. "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you," Bobby said with an expression so serious that I couldn't help but laugh.”
— Amanda Hocking,
“You take the words in the sense which is most damaging to the argument.”
— Plato,
“You flatter me shamelessly. I like it. Good.”
— Kenneth Oppel,