Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“You're in a rather odd mood today."I'm soaking wet, Eloise."No need to snap at me about it, I didn't force you to walk across town in the rain."It wasn't raining when I left,". There was something about a sibling that brought out the eight-year-old in a body.I'm sure the sky was gray," Clearly, she had a bit of the eight-year-old in her as well.”
— Julia Quinn,
“How did you do it?" I brought the teacup to my mouth for another sip. "How did you guide Sophie's soul? I thought you were a reaper.""He's both," Nash said from behind me, and I turned just as he followed my father through the front door, pulling his long sleeves down one at a time. He and my dad had just loaded Aunt Val's white silk couch into the back of my uncle's truck, so he wouldn't have to deal with the bloodstains when he and Sohie got back from the hospital. "Tod is very talented."Tod brushed the curl back from his face and scowled.Harmony spoke up from the kitchen as the oven door squealed open. "Both my boys are talented.""Both?" I repeated, sure I'd heard her wrong.Nash sighed and slid onto the chair his mother had vacated, then gestured toward the reaper with one hand. "Kaylee, meet my brother, Tod.”
— Rachel Vincent,
“All I could determine was that it must have been a nice thing to see if it was a house you were thinking about moving into. But not so nice if it was the house you were moving out from. I could practically hear Mr Collins, who had taught my fifth-grade English class and was still the most intimidating teacher I'd ever had, yelling at me. "Amy Curry," I could still hear him intoning, "never end a sentence with a preposition!" Irked that after six hears he was still mentally correcting me, I told the Mr. Collins in my head to off fuck.”
— Morgan Matson,
“She'd made him watch every Alien movie. Most of the goriest scenes were accompanied by his dialogue: 'Ach, that's no' - that's just no' right.... Bloody hell, this canna be right.”
— Kresley Cole,
“Cover me!' Augustus said as he jumped out from behind the wall and raced toward the school. Isaac fumbled for his controller and thenstarted firing while the bullets rained down on Augustus, who was shot once and then twice but still ran, Augustus shouting,'YOU CAN’T KILL MAX MAYHEM!' and with a final flurry of button combinations, he dove onto the grenade, which detonated beneath him. His dismembered body exploded like a geyser and the screen went red. A throaty voice said, 'MISSION FAILURE,' but Augustus seemed to think otherwise as he smiled at his remnants on the screen. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a cigarette, and shoved it between his teeth.'Saved the kids' he said.'Temporarily' I pointed out.'All salvation is temporary' Augustus shot back. 'I bought them a minute. Maybe that’s the minute that buys them an hour, which is the hour that buys them a year. No one’s gonna buy them forever, Hazel Grace, but my life bought them a minute. And that’s not nothing.”
— John Green,
“Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.”
— Bauvard,
“It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“It was because a great-looking man with no apparent mental defects found her attractive. Imagine feeling so buoyant over something so juvenile.”
— Maggie Shayne,
“I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination.”
— Criss Jami,
“Don't even think of arguing with me. I'm an old woman and if you fight me about it, it could give me a heart attack.”
— Sara Taney Humphreys,
“I need another drink!” I said as a second attempt to change the subject. “Shots!” America yelled. Shepley rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah. That’s what you need, another shot.”
— Jamie McGuire,
“We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.”
— Brian Regan
“I was performing my ritual of sipping tea, shooting flirtatious glances and planning murder”
— Mingmei Yip,
“And so really, you have given me no choice but to take you shopping byforce.” She sighed, then reached up, dropping her sunglasses down fromtheir perch on her head to cover her eyes. “Do you even realize how happythe average teenage girl would be in your shoes? I have a credit card. We’reat the mall. I want to buy you things. It’s like adolescent nirvana.”- Cora”
— Sarah Dessen,
“Yes she met with a slight accident involving a stake." Ash said "funny how that happens sometimes...”
— L.J. Smith,
“That's your solution? Have a cookie?”
— Michael  Grant,
“He begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its cookery was owing. Briefly forgetting her manners, Mary grabbed her fork and leapt from her chair onto the table. Lydia, who was seated nearest her, grabbed her ankle before she could dive at Mr. Collins and, presumably, stab him about the head and neck for such an insult.”
— Seth Grahame-Smith,
“No funny business. I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears”
— Penelope Fletcher,
“I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.”
— Stephenie Meyer,
“Objection!" Metz shouts.Grounds?" the judge asks.Well...he's my witness!”
— Jodi Picoult,
“Might have just been an innocent bystander, sir,’ said Carrot‘What, in Ankh-Morpork?’‘Yes, sir.’‘We should have grabbed him, then, just for the rarity value”
— Terry Pratchett,
“And oil's not supposed to mix with water. But then someone invented mayonnaise, and wham - instant mixing.”
— Jackie Kessler,
“I had a dream about you last night... You turned red, then green, and then blue. You told me you were trying to fit in with the m&m's.”
— Amy Summers,
“Nero lowered his head to speak in her ear, keeping his hands on her arms to lock her in place. “My problem is simple, Elle. I have a problem with you having no trouble saying thank you to someone else. I have a problem with you wrapping your arms around someone else. And I have a big fucking problem with you not minding kissing someone else. Not one fucking time have you done any of those things to me without my asking, or just doing it because you want to, not because I want you to.”
— Sarah Brianne,
“I had a dream about you last night.. You were in the amazon rain forest yipping like a dog.”
— Amy Summers,
“I had a dream about you last night... You tried to propose with a digital ceramic heater.”
— Amy Summers,
“Goblin tea resembles a nice cup of Earl Grey in much the same way that a catfish resembles the common tabby. They share a name, but one is a nice thing to curl up with on a rainy afternoon, and the other is found in the muck at the bottom of polluted rivers and has bits of debris sticking to it.”
— T. Kingfisher
“Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Sophie, honey, stop looking at me like that,” Garrett said gruffly. “You’ll have me convinced I’m going to die.”“You’re not?”
— Maya Banks,
“I will make thee think thy swan a crow.”
— William Shakespeare,
“Mardi Gras, baby. Mardi Gras. Time when all manner of weird shit cuts loose and parties down.”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“If I let you go are you going to hit me again?”“What do you think?”“Then I’m not going to let you go.”
— Sarah Mayberry,
“Don't cross me Scooby-Doo. I'm not an old man in a mask waiting to be thwarted by you meddling kids.”
— Sherrilyn Kenyon,
“Who’s there?”“The scratcher of your itch,” he said.She opened the door a crack and stuck her nose out. “Was that supposed to be romantic?”
— Jill Shalvis,
“If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.”
— Criss Jami,
“We may not be all that bright, Jace said, but at least we are alive.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“I was shown into a room. A red room. Red wallpaper, red curtains, red carpet. They said it was a sitting-room, but I don’t know why they’d decided to confine its purpose just to sitting. Obviously, sitting was one of the things you could do in a room this size; but you could also stage operas, hold cycling races, and have an absolutely cracking game of frisbee, all at the same time, without having to move any of the furniture.It could rain in a room this big.”
— Hugh Laurie,
“I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with a thirty-story building. Without dwelling on the tragedy, I'd just like to say that I'm deeply sorry to Mr. Purple and the surviving Purple family.”
— Jim Benton,
“Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.”
— Victor J. Stenger
“If the morning never comes, because the night before didn't end, then surely it's harder to feel like shit the next day if you don't sleep”
— Jimmy Tudeski,
“There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose."Where?"In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically.”
— Roald Dahl,
“I HAVE TO MEET HIM. I don’t think I can keep this up. I don’t care if it ruins everything. I’m this close to making out with my laptop screen.”
— Becky Albertalli,
“She'd had sex with a demon. Tayla swallowed bile and tried to keep her stomach from heaving. She needed to shower. And douche.”
— Larissa Ione,
“Paddle Harder”
— Lauren Myracle,
“Sarah, honey, I hardly think kidnappers are going to take the time to buy a memento of their stay. I could be wrong, but it seems rather unlikely.”
— Christine Feehan,
“I had a dream about you last night. We went to the store cupboard to make out, but we ended up sharing our pain and then crying together. We wasn't prepared for this level of intimacy.”
— Michael  Summers,
“Eh, Whappaaaa!”
— George Lopez
“I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide.”
— George Carlin,
“My mate is really, really weird.She is also absolutely covered in brown, mushy clay.She laughs and holds a large lump up to show it to me. Her mouth moves, and she makes enough noise to scare away a group of birds near the shore.She is so, so strange.”
— Shay Savage,
“Critter: I was fairly relieved when Sea took off on her own. She was wearing some two-sizes-too-small T-shirt, practically forcing my eyes to home in on “the girls,” and all I could think was I’m going to turn into a pillar of salt.”
— Lara M. Zeises,
“It may be prodigious, but it's all Greek to me!”
— Hergé,
“He needed to gather her up, hold on to her, anything to help her stop trembling. Something was going to shake loose if she didn’t.”
— Tara Janzen,
“It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?”
— Martin Amis,
“I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink.”
— Amy Summers,
“I had a dream about you last night... Well I say dream I mean nightmare... you were a Yankee fan.”
— Nicole McKay,
“I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment.”
— Bauvard,
“The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready; it goes on because it’s 11:30.”
— Lorne Michaels
“Sure. What's the worst that could happen." Twenty minutes later, we had our answer. "I can't frecking believe this."I cringed. "I'm so sorry.""I'm bald!" Giguhl continued. "I look like a freak.""It's not that bad," I said. But it was. Oh, my lord was it bad. I'd never seen an uglier cat in my entire life.”
— Jaye Wells,
“Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?""I care" Simon said gloomily. "Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“Somebody dies and people eat your food. Funny how that works.”
— Sherman Alexie,
“Perfect,” he groaned. “You are perfect.” He sank his teeth into her ass, hard, drawing blood. “And now you wear my mark,” he finished proudly. “Your ass is mine.”
— Hanna Lui,
“I've been thinking of installing a train in my house. It could bring me shrimp crackers from the kitchen.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“Life is too fleet for onomatopoeia.”
— Mervyn Peake,
“A red eight-sided sign always means: A) Stop. B) Go. C) Danger! Red octogons ahead!”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“Marcus couldn't believe it. Dead. A dead duck. OK, he'd been trying to hit it on the head with a piece of sandwich, but he tried to do all sorts of things, and none of them had ever happened before. He'd tried to get the highest score on the Stargazer machine in the kabab shop on Hornsey road - nothing. He'd tried to read Nicky's thoughts by staring at the back of his head every maths lesson for a week - nothing. It really annoyed him that the only thing he'd ever achieved through trying was something he hadn't really wanted to do that much in the first place. And anyway, since when did hitting a bird with a sandwich ever kill it? People spend half their lives throwing things at the ducks in Regent's Park. How come he managed to pick a duck that pathetic?”
— Nick Hornby,
“It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.”
— James Hetfield
“Because she left him a MySpace message that was semi-flirty, and then today he was very vague about what he was doing. So I headed over to his house and waited outside until he left. And now he’s at McDonald’s, and I’m following him to see where else he’s going.” MySpace is seriously going to be responsible for everyone losing their minds.”
— Lauren Barnholdt,
“Anna shuddered. "Orange is not the colour of seduction, Christopher. Orange is the colour of despair, and pumpkins.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“Hey,” Shayne said through the door. “You going to stay in there all night, because we’re getting tired of trying to eavesdrop from out here. Can’t hear a damn thing.”
— Jill Shalvis,
“I'm talking about doing something good for mankind. Imagine how awesome everyone would feel if they knew all that holy stuff was real." -Gregori"Stuff? Four years of giving sermons, and that what I get back? Holy stuff?”
— Kerrelyn Sparks,
“Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.”
— Chuck Palahniuk,
“Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.”
— Russell Brand,
“That's so cute! They have birdbaths in the church!”
— Hilary Duff,
“She didn’t sound overjoyed. She didn’t sound even slightly joyed.”
— Sarah Mayberry,
“I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.”
— Bauvard,
“Put me down, I’m too heavy.”“You’re small enough to fit in my pocket.”
— Sarah Mayberry,
“Shut. Up," June squealed. "You have a date with that guy?" She giggled and covered her mouth. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! Tell me everything.""I can't do both," I pointed out.”
— Robin Benway,
“Only then did I see. Something was amiss with Patrick's snap-on one piece, or "onesie" as we manly dads like to call it. His chubby thighs, I now realized, were squeezed into the armholes, which were so tight they must have been cutting off his circulation. The collared neck hung between his legs like an udder. Up top, Patrick's head stuck out through the unsnapped crotch, and his arms were lost somewhere in the billowing pant legs. It was quite a look.”
— John Grogan,
“If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?”
— Steven Wright
“Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.”
— Bauvard,
“What we’ve got here is a lunatic genius ghost-in-the-computer monorail that likes riddles and goes faster than the speed of sound. Welcome to the fantasy version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
— Stephen King,
“He's wearing flannel!" Alan yelped. "He's shoving his straight in my face!”
— K.D. Sarge,
“Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.”
— Bauvard,
“The rage that had expolded inside me diffused. I didn't know where it had come from. I had a short temper and often acted impulsively,but this had been intense and ugly even for me. Weird.”
— Richelle Mead,
“People keep asking "Jacob or Edward?" when the really important question is "Diamond Dave or Sammy?”
— Ysabeau S. Wilce
“At this, Gansey rolled over onto his back and folded his hands on his chest. He wore a salmon polo shirt, which, in Blue’s opinion, was far more hellish than anything they’d discussed to this point.”
— Maggie Stiefvater,
“Never dance in a puddle when there's a hole in your shoe (it's always best to take your shoes off first).”
— John D. Rhodes
“Travis: The Aphrodite kids were ripping each other’s clothes and throwing lipstick and jewellery. It was like a rabid herd of wild Bratz.”
— Rick Riordan,
“It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald,
“We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.”
— Bauvard,
“Why...do you find this...distracting?”
— Suzanne Collins,
“Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me—and I thought I was actually going to have to hit a chick.”
— Jennifer L. Armentrout,
“He stood and inhaled, then walked a few more feet, stooped, and prodded a chunk of rabbit fur.“I’m definitely thinking something with more body parts,” I said. “Like a head.”He gave a snort of a laugh. “It’s probably around here somewhere, but I suppose you want the parts attached, too.”
— Kelley Armstrong,
“I'm telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral.”
— John Green,
“Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair.”
— Criss Jami,
“The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.”
— Bauvard,
“We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.”
— Bauvard,
“Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.”
— Darynda Jones,
“Hermits have no peer pressure.”
— Steven Wright
“Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.”
— Darynda Jones
“I'd sold my soul to get out of detention.”
— Jennifer Lynn Barnes,
“His hand cups the back of my neck, and before I can think, he dips down and our mouths meet. For a split second I worry that he thinks he's kissing Courtney. But that instant the warmth of his soft lips spreads into mine, all thoughts dissolve. Pure feeling is all I have left. Little electric sparks sip through my bloodstream, making sure every nerve in my body is focused on his amazing mouth.”
— Tera Lynn Childs,
“What's a slut?" I ask him."A girl who puts out too easily.""Puts out what?" I imagine Greer putting out dinner and don't understand what Iwan wouldn't like about that."Puts out, you know..." His face, already beet red from our run, turns a darker scarlet. "Sex."I wonder where Greer puts the sex out.”
— Rachel Cohn,
“I don't have a master. I'm not sure if I have an equal.”
— Laurell K. Hamilton,
“My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.”
— Molly Harper,
“Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.”
— Pawan Mishra,
“Don’t believe what you hear about those penguins. A species of lazy waddlers. Their extinction is immanent.”
— Benson Bruno,
“Do you remember our first kiss? I do. Not a day goes by I don’t think of the feel of that bicuspid against my tongue. It had such a distinctive feel, neither cuspid nor molar…but I’m not sure it knew that – that was what endeared it to me so. It was like the blunted tusk of a wild boar.”
— Benson Bruno,
“Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.”
— Bauvard,
“I don't think you can fight because you're wearing a wedding dress" said Jem. "And for what it's worth, I don't think Will could fight in that dress either.""Perhaps not," said Will, who had ears like a bat's. "But I would make a radiant bride.”
— Cassandra Clare,
“Dear sirs, The cold war isn’t over. When national borders fail, the epidermis is the last line of defense. We are counting on you.Sincerely,Patriot”
— Benson Bruno,
“No, I don't like you, I just thought you were cute enough to kiss you.”
— Frank Ocean
“She’s a lunatic,” says Conrad.“Absolutely insane,” says Guntram.“Either completely fearless or utterly stupid,” says Conrad.“She’s going to fit right in,” says Guntram.”
— Emily Lloyd-Jones,
“While we’re at it, why don’t we add a third emotion to this list: lust. You are probably unaware that Linnaeus lumped the tomato into the same genus as the potato, a food with a reputation for its widespread availability and easy satisfaction of oral needs.”
— Benson Bruno,
“Divination is turning out to be much more trouble than I could have foreseen, never having studied the subject myself.”
— J.K. Rowling,
“I had a dream about you last night... Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream.”
— Amy Summers,
“You know, I don’t get why Fred and George only got three O.W.L.s each,” said Harry, watching as Fred, George, and Lee collected gold from the eager crowd. “They really know their stuff. . . .”“Oh, they only know flashy stuff that’s no real use to anyone,” said Hermione disparagingly.“No real use?” said Ron in a strained voice. “Hermione, they’ve got about twenty-six Galleons already. . . .”
— J.K. Rowling,
“What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone's orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away.”
— Anne Carson,
“I know because I read. Might I suggest you try it?”
— Libba Bray,
“Eve talking to someone on her computer and having trouble with the language translator....."I have two like crimes. Your data and your input on Leclerk would be very helpful"Marie pursed her lips and humor danced in her eyes."It says you would like to have sex with me. I don't think that is correct""Oh, for Christ sake" Eve slammed a fist against the machine.....”
— J.D. Robb,
“Some people avoid thinking deeply in public, only because they are afraid of coming across as suicidal.”
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“I can pay you."He raised his eyebrows. "I'm sure there are services for that.Maybe you can try calling 1-800-HOOKERS or something?""You know the number well?”
— Kasie West,
“The [Five Second Rule] has many variations, including The Three Second Rule, The Seven Second Rule, and the extremely handy and versatile The However Long It Takes Me to Pick Up This Food Rule.”
— Neil Pasricha,
“My parents raised me that you never ask people about their reproductive plans. “You don’t know their situation,” my mom would say. I considered it such an impolite question that for years I didn’t even ask myself. Thirty-five turned into forty faster than McDonald’s food turns into cold nonfood.”
— Tina Fey,