Khalida1w/funny_quotes huggingface dataset:
“The Evil Enchanter appeared in a cloud of smoke. He waved his arms to fan away the fumes, and when he quit coughing, he said, "You've come to rescue no one. Now that you're here, you shall marry me." He waved his arms once, and a priest appeared in a cloud of smoke. After everyone quit coughing, he turned to the priest and said, "Marry me!"The priest said, "But I don't know you.""No, no, no!" said the Evil Enchanter. "Marry me to the princess!""Oh," said the priest. "That's different.”
— Michael Stearns,
“You know, Hope is also rather interesting, there's just not two of her, Dad teased Nona”
— Holly Hood,
“Well, more or less, you just got struck by lightning.""Wait, what?" My brain stopped processing for a prolonged moment unable to wrap around that one. How the hell had that happened? "So basically I was filled with 1.21 jiggawatts?Can I travel through time now?”
— Elizabeth Sharp,
“Looking up at Max he asked, “Do you recommend anything?” He kept his eyes low and to the table, trying but failing to keep his eyes open against the bright sun light.“You okay?” Max asked, watching as Landon struggled to meet her eyes.“I’m trying not to look at you,” he replied.“I’m sorry, what?”“I mean I’m trying not to hurt my eyes.”Max crossed her arms over her chest and raised a wicked brow. Landon shielded the sun with his hand and finally made eye contact with her. “That came out wrong,” he said apologetically. “It sure did,” she said with a chuckle.”
— Shawn Kirsten Maravel,
“[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!And that thought just cracked me up.]It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals.”
— Sherman Alexie,
“I’m waiting with baited breath to hear that silver tongue of yours.”
— Jodie B. Cooper,
“Approaching the forest from the west was no army, but a delegation of Grailsundanian master surgeons on their way to an appendix conference . . . But that isn't the craziest part of the story - oh, no, my boy, for approaching from the east was a party of itinerant watchmakers bound for the pocket-watch fair at Wimbleton . . . But not even that is the craziest part of the story! For apporaching from the south were over a hundred armourers and locksmiths on their way to Florinth, where some power-hungry prince had commissioned them to build a monstrous war machine . . . Well, that would be enough crazy coincedences for an averagely crazy story but the battle of Nurn Forest involved the most improbable coincedences in the history of Zamonia. For entering the forest, this time from the north came a delegation of alchemists.”
— Walter Moers,
“...Come on let’s see the degree.” Katherine unrolled her scroll displaying a long declaration in Latin affixed with a red seal proclaiming her a Master of Art. “Imagine working for years to obtain a piece of paper we can hardly read ” Katherine joked. “And to officially declare you have talent ” Suzy returned.”
— E.A. Bucchianeri,
“I should mention, by the way, that LVR stands for Luminal Velocity Regulator. I suppose it could also stand for Large Venezeulan Rats, but in this case it does not.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“All serious poker players try to minimize their tells, obviously. There are a couple ways to go about this. One is the robotic approch: where your face becomes a mask and your voice a monotone, at least while the hand is being played. . . . The other is the manic method, where you affect a whole bunch of tics, twitches, and expressions, and mix them up with a river of insane babble. The idea is to overwhelm your opponents with clues, so they can't sort out what's going on. This approach can be effective, but for normal people it's hard to pull off. (If you've spent part of your life in an institution, this method may come naturally.)”
— Dan Harrington,
“He who lies down with dogs shall rise with fleas”
— Christina Dodd,
“Alvin smiled back, and kissed her. "People talk about fools counting chickens before they hatch. That's nothing. We name them.”
— Orson Scott Card,
“They call me Domino for obvious reasons. One nudge in the right direction and I'm flat on my stomach.”
— Charlie Cochrane,
“There you go. Perfect. And can you still throw up at will like you could in sixth grade? That would be good.”
— Adam Rex,
“I pick up Dylan. He certainly takes after his father: about three-quarters of his body weight seems to be head, and three-quarters of that is ears.”
— Ken Jennings,
“Outrageous!" said Apalling."Apalling!" said Outrageous.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“Wiping the rivulet of sweat running down my ear with the bottom of my muscle shirt, I snuck a sniff under my pit. Whoa. Kill a moose”
— Julie Anne Peters,
“. . . you worked for Harry King, they said, because a broken leg was bad for business, and Harry King was all about business.”
— Terry Pratchett,
“It's not just the cheerleading thing I have a problem with, it's the whole jock enchilada. I'm all for a good game of basketball in teh driveway or a killer bike ride. But when there's tackling and grunting involved-- no thanks.”
— Linda Ellerbee,
“What are those bulb things you're slicing?""You've never seen fennel? It looks like celery and tastes like licorice.”
— Ken Jennings,
“Dana was what Steve called a "silent partner" in the Brixton Brothers Detective Agency. Being a silent partner meant that Dana didn't carry a business card, that his name didn't appear on the company letterhead, and he wanted nothing to do with the Brixton Brothers Detective Agency.”
— Mac Barnett,
“So what do you think the physical effect was?"Roman Laughed. "Buddy," he said, "she was tripping.”
— Jodi Picoult,
“I've got a Don Baylor," J.T. said."California sucks this year."Ralph snickered. "I wouldn't use a Baylor card to scrape dog shit off the street.”
— Jodi Picoult,
“Una buena mentira piadosa es con frecuencia mucho más excitante que una verdad. Es como si se pusiera a la verdad un vestido bonito.”
— Walter Moers,
“On the forest floor was the LVR's smoldering ceiling panel, just lying there like the lid of a sardine can that had been eagerly and violently thrown away by someone who very much liked sardines.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“I helped with customers who raced through the front door in a mad search for the perfect gift. One that looked as if they'd put hours of thought into their choice. And yes, you're right. They were mostly men." -- Abby Shaw, Sucker Punched”
— Sammi Carter
“Supplementing the far, remote Glory-of-God expression in his face, the glory-of-doughnuts shone suddenly very warmly.”
— Eleanor Hallowell Abbott,
“Sei: The Kudzu snacks were so good I had two and a half bowls but seeing you eat 16 and a half bowls was disgusting. I sriously considered killing you.Okita: You're horrible! Besides then I'd bleed Kudzu snacks!Sei: NOO! STOP!!! I CAN SEE IT!! I'LL HAVE NIGHTMARES!!”
— Taeko Watanabe
“Nessa held her arm up. She was staring at it, trying to gauge how big that was. “Dude, that’s as big as my arm. That’s like being f****d by a limb dude!” She wiggled her arm back and forth. “That's not normal.”
— Erin Jamison,
“In sum," Midlife said, giving the room his best you-the-jury baritone, "Our defense will be...?" He looked to Matt for the answer/"Blame the other guy," Matt said."Which other guy?""Yes.""Huh?""We blame whoever we can," Matt said. "The CFO, the COO, the C Choose-Your-Favorite-Two-Letter-Combination, the accounting firm, the banks, the board, the lower-level employees. We claim some of them are crooks. We claim some of them made honest mistakes that steamrolled.""Isn't that contradictory?" Midlife asked, folding his hands and lowering his eyebrows. "Claiming both malice and mistakes?" He stopped, looked up, smiled, nodded. Malice and mistakes. Midlife liked the way that sounded."We're looking to confuse," Matt said. "You blame enough people, nothing sticks. The jury end up knowing something went wrong but you don't know where to place the blame. We throw facts and figures at them. We bring up every possible mistake, every uncrossed t and dotted i. We act like discrepancy is a huge deal, even if it's not. We are skeptical of EVERYONE.”
— Harlan Coben
“First draft blues:"He tested the stick and glanced at the set handbrake. With his feet he felt the accelerator, the brake, the clutch. Backwards, but otherwise just the same, and comforting in a solid, mechanical way. It even smelled right, oil, petrol, lubricated warm metal, and the polished windshield seemed transparent in the night’s silver flood.”
— J. Gunnar Grey,
“Let's just stand still. Maybe whoever it is won't notice us. It's dark out anyway." Both boys knew it could just be someone from the local village but their hearts were starting to beat faster anyways. Who wound be out at this time of night? Suddenly, out from the darkness came a voice. "I'll get you you mangy little...." There was the sound of something flying through the air and then a plunk as it landed somewhere nearby. Lionel winced. The voice was female.”
— Sadie Gray
“I will call Guido if i need to”
— Amanda Stephan
“Could I pick some flowers for Miranda?’ I asked.‘You cannot take these flowers,’ said Zoran. ‘They belong to the government.”
— Doug MacLeod,
“We walked on the moon. We made footprints somewhere no one else had ever made footprints, and unless someone comes and rubs them out, those footprints will be there forever because there’s no wind.”
— Frank Cottrell Boyce,
“In school we chanted, along with our teacher, I am the Captain of my fate, I am the Master of my soul, and meanwhile, within my own body, an anarchic insurrection had been launched by one of my privates- which I was helpless to put down!”
— Philip Roth,
“Surely my lord will not hide his beautiful white legs!" exclaimed Infadoos regretfully. But Good persisted, and once only did the Kukuana people get the chance of seeing his beautiful legs again. Good is a very modest man. Henceforward they had to satisfy their aesthetic longings with his one whisker, his transparent eye, and his movable teeth.”
— H.Rider Haggard,
“Have I come at a bad time?" she managed to say without guffawing. I believe I said something on the order of "argh," and compounded my embarrassment by trying to cover myself with the sweatpants I'd picked up off the floor. ”
— Jeffrey Cohen,
“His accelerated path to yogihood hit a dead end when his kundalini exploded in a crowded department store. No one else was injured, but Swami caught an inflection which left him with a permanent East Indian accent.”
— Swami Beyondananda
“He studied with the guru of rock n’ roll, Baba Oom Mow Mow, who taught his own version of the Golden Rule: "Do wop unto others as you would have them do wop unto you.”
— Swami Beyondananda
“Bad writing, it is easily verified, has never kept scholarship from being published.”
— Jacques Barzun,
“But though it had prevailed against such fierce adversaries as fire and flood, it had fallen victim softly and swiftly to television in the 1960's.”
— Kate Morton,
“What I remember most clearly is how it felt. I’d just finished painting a red fire engine-like the one I often walked past near my grandparents’ house. Suddenly the teachers, whose names I've long forgotten, closed in on my desk. They seemed unusually impressed, and my still dripping fire engine was immediately and ceremoniously pinned up. I don’t know what they might have said, but their unexpected attention and having something I’d made given a place of honor on the wall created an overwhelming and totally unfamiliar sense of pride inside me. I loved that feeling, and I wanted to feel it again and again. That desire, I suppose, was the beginning of my career. 	I have no idea where my fire engine painting ended up, but I never forgot the basic layout. Several decades later, it served as the inspiration for this sketch for an illustration in a book called Why the chicken crossed the Road.”
— David Macaulay
“You are my flesh and blood and I have always doted on you, but right now I would have to say you deserve a haughty, ruined chit for your own and she deserves you.”
— Mary Balogh,
“boys, girls and music . . why do they need gin?”
— Frank
“I'll get it," said Jough in his man-of-the-house voice, a full octave lower than his regular voice.”
— Cuthbert Soup,
“I can't go into a long explanation before company; but I couldn't help it, upon my honour."Upon your what?" growled Sikes, with excessive disgust. "Here! Cut me off a piece of that pie, one of you boys,to take the taste of that out of my mouth, or it'll choke me dead.”
— Charles Dickens,
“Why look'e, young gentleman," said Toby, "when a man keeps himself so very ex-clusive as I have done, and by that means has a snug house over his head with nobody a-prying and smelling about it, it's rather a starling thing to have the honour of a wisit from a young gentleman (however respectable and pleasant a person he may be to play cards with at conweniency) circumstanced as you are.”
— Charles Dickens,
“Wer lügt, hat die Wahrheit immerhin gedacht.”
— Oliver Hassencamp
“Umgangsformen sind Formen, die zunehmend umgangen werden.”
— Oliver Hassencamp
“Drab?" Soldier yelled. "I'll give you drab. Beat her, would you? Beat my wife? I'll feed your head to the vultures, you snotty little hamster with your golden pelt and buttery looks!”
— Kim Hunter,
“So close now, Alec could read the make on his wetsuit, see the individual grains of sand that dustedthe black material, the drops of water trembling on the points of his hair. Now or never. But Alec couldn‟t,couldn’t. Could he?He stood up. “Stop!” His mouth dried out as the surfer‟s dark, dark green eyes looked into his, startledand curious. Suddenly he felt an absolute fool. He was inviting a good kicking, at least. But damn it, a mancouldn‟t always be afraid.“Don‟t go past. Please. Sit down and drink with me. If you go past… If you go past, I think I‟ll die.”
— Alex Beecroft,
“Nana's French knickers were surely a symbol of liberty and abandonment, worn only by women who didn't care for conventional frills or superficial nametags. Those french knickers were flags blowing in the wind, like a statement of victory.”
— Diana Janney,
“She smirked. 'I vaguely recall you boasting weeks ago that I would be the one to crawl into your bed. It seems like you did the crawling.'His lips twitched upward. 'It would seem so.”
— Sarah J. Maas,
“This is a bad idea.'Cassian winked. 'That should be written on the Night Court crest.”
— Sarah J. Maas,
“Will I be OK?" Krista gives a derisive laugh and swivels to face me. "I've built up a business and I've turned off my mum's life-support machine and I've punched a shark in the face. I think I can cope with this.”
— Sophie Kinsella,
“Nadia holds her small fist out in my direction. “Princesses fist bump.”
— Charleigh Frederick,
“Person a: Go to hell.Person b: Save me the seat beside you.”
— Renée Ahdieh,
“I've been told the truth can hurt, [and] it must sting to know how much prettier I am than you.”
— Renée Ahdieh,
“After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident, it makes you wonder about history.”
— Bits & Pieces
“If you were to name a sword, what would you call it?'Gwyn answered, thought she hadn't been asked, 'Silver Majesty.'Emerie snorted, 'Really?'Gwyn demanded, 'What would you call it?'Emerie considered. 'Foe Slayer, or something. Something intimidating.''That's no better!'Nesta's mouth tugged upward at their teasing. Gwyn looked to her, teal eyes bright. 'Which one is worse: Foe Slayer or Silver Majesty?''Silver Majesty,' Nesta said, and Emerie crowed with triumph. Gwyn waved a hand, booing.'What would you call it?' Cassian asked Nesta again.'Why do you want to know?''Humour me.'She lifted a brow. But then said with all sincerity. 'Killer.'His brows flattened.Nesta shrugged. 'I don't know. Is it necessary to name a sword?''Just tell me: If you had to name a sword, what would you call it?''Are you getting her one as a Winter Solstice present?' Emerie asked.'No.'Nesta hid her smile. She loved this- when the three of them ganged up on him, like lionesses around a very muscled, very attractive carcass.'Then why keep asking?' Gwyn said.Cassian scowled, 'Curiosity.'But his jaw tightened. It wasn't that. There was something else. Why would he want her to name a sword?”
— Sarah J. Maas,
“The Shake make the most extraordinary combs,’ Kindly said. ‘Turtleshell.’ ‘Impressive, sir.’ ‘Expensive purchases, but well worth it, I should judge.’ ‘Yes sir. Tried them yet?’ ‘Lieutenant, do you imagine that to be amusing?’ ‘Sir? No, of course not!’ ‘Because, as is readily apparent, Lieutenant, your commanding officer has very little hair.’ ‘If by that you mean on your head, then yes sir, that is, uh, apparent indeed.’ ‘Am I infested with lice, then, that I might need to use a comb elsewhere on my body, Lieutenant?’ ‘I wouldn’t know, sir. I mean, of course not.”
— Steven Erikson,
“The four guys were just staring at me—or Rome—their mouths a little unhinged.“Did she say that she set a building on fire?” Yael rasped.“And knocked someone out and stuffed them into a cupboard?” Aros, this time.“And set a bunch of panteras free.” Coen was scratching his head.“That’s my girl.” Siret was the only one who seemed pleased by my overload of information.“Rome is messing with us.” Yael was shaking his head. “This is too fucked-up.”“I’m not.” I tried to sound as convincing as possible, but Yael only shook his head and stepped closer to Rome, his fists clenched.“Cut this shit out right now,” he seethed, “or I’ll hit you so hard she’ll have to start calling you Crushed.”“That’s not very nice—” I started to say, but apparently Yael wasn’t in the mood for pacifications.He pulled his arm back and slammed it into the side of Rome’s face. I couldn’t feel the actual blow, but my vision swam to the side, and then suddenly I was staring at the sky—I hadn’t paid much attention to where we were, but the sky was bluer than blue, the clouds all happy and perfect. They were still in Topia.“You hit me!” I yelled at the sky, and it was almost humorous to hear Rome’s deep voice so full of feminine outrage.“Oh.” Yael sounded genuinely shocked. “It really is her. Rome just dropped like a bag of rocks.”“He’s still not moving,” Coen noted, his head appearing in my field of vision. “You okay in there, dweller-baby?”“He hit me!” I repeated.“I think she’s fine.” Yael’s head appeared beside Coen’s. “Rome’s head is too damn thick for any of the pain to reach her—right, Willa-toy?”“You still hit me!” This time, it was a growl, and Siret’s head popped up beside Yael’s.“You should get revenge,” he suggested helpfully. “You have so many muscles right now. You’re the God of Strength right now. The possibilities are endless.”“No they aren’t,” I said, “Rome is going to wake up soon. I don’t always black out for long. But you have a point.”I struggled to get back to my feet, but controlling Rome wasn’t so easy. His limbs were bigger than expected, and I accidently knocked over a low wooden table, up-ending a bowl of fruit and sending apples and oranges scattering over the marble floor. When I was finally standing, I focussed on Yael, and tried to swing a punch at him. Unfortunately, I miscalculated the distance to his face, and Rome’s fist connected with the pillar just to the right of Yael’s head. I watched in fascination as the stone cracked beneath Rome’s fist, caving in around his hand. I was so fascinated that I didn’t even realise I was stuck until I tried to pull his fist back again and it wouldn’t budge.“Well … this is awkward.” Yael was smirking, turned to the side so that he could see the fist I had embedded into the pillar.”
— Jane Washington,
“She'd selected a dagger and he'd grinned. Pointy end goes into your enemy.”
— Sarah J. Maas,
“Cassian smirked. 'She has two Illyrian warriors guarding her. What could go wrong?''Don't answer that,' Rhys said drily to his mate.”
— Sarah J. Maas,
“Just don't go running after a beautiful white horse or a pretty-faced young man and you'll be fine.''And stay out of the water,' Azriel added solemnly.'What if the Mask is in the water?' She gestured to the vast bog. They'd fly over it, they'd decided, and let her sense whatever lay here.'Then Az and I will draw straws like the tough warriors we are and the loser goes in.'Azriel rolled his eyes, but chuckled. Cassian's grin at last glowed in his gaze as he opened his arms. 'Oorid's beauty awaits, my lady.”
— Sarah J. Maas,
“He was the kind of god you prayed to for making water wet and fire hot, or for keeping giants out of a land where nobody has seen a giant for a thousand years. He was good at the easy things.”
— Christopher Buehlman,
“...three lotuses and two king’s heads complete with long-haired mustachioed King Kalith at his mustachiest”
— Christopher Buehlman,
“Men love a woman who doesn’t seem to give a damn, so long as she’s handsome. We also love a happy woman, so long as she’s fair, or a sad pretty one, or an angry girleen with a good face. You see how this works.”
— Christopher Buehlman,
“She searched brown magic for any possible meaning besides juvenile scatology. Finding none, she closed her eyes and shook her head in disappointment.It wouldn’t be the last time.”
— Christopher Buehlman,
“He who leaps at the moonInto cowshyte falls.Glory unto cowshyte!”
— Christopher Buehlman,
“Considering that Nesta brushed off Helion's smouldering advances during the war, he might not be so inclined to help her.''He'll help,' Rhys said, stars shimmering in his gaze. 'If only for another shot at her.'Nesta rolled her eyes, and the gesture was so normal that Cassian's smile became more genuine, edged now with relief.You wear your heart for all to see, brother, Rhys said without turning Cassian's way.Cassian only shrugged. He was past caring.”
— Sarah J. Maas,
“All right. Let Lady Death get some rest.''That's not funny,' Nesta hissed.Cassian winked, even as the others tensed. 'I think it's catchy.Nesta glowered.”
— Sarah J. Maas,
“Seeing Cassian so flustered pushed away the shadows in her heart. Thoughts of the Mask became a distant rumble. 'Do you want to get in?'He sucked in a breath, but something like pain washed over his features. 'You're hurt.'...'Do I look injured to you?'He nodded toward the scabbed cuts all over her body, her face. 'Yes?”
— Sarah J. Maas,
“Don’t take too much from her. We’re criminals, not bad people.”
— Finn Eccleston,
“It has been said that I write with some of the best reasoning to ever grace the all-encompassing page that is mankind. Who said that, you ask? I did, of course.”
— Finn Eccleston,
“This is the part where we should have exchanged glances (from what I had gathered from my limited literature recollection, it added dramatic flair), but I was too intrigued by the staircase, and where it led, to look anywhere else.”
— Finn Eccleston,
“First time fucking driving and I fucking crash,” I muttered."Good thing is, it’s a minor dent,” piped the helpful back seat, “Mum probably won’t even notice it, her eyes as they are and all.” “Thanks man. Makes me feel good about myself, taking advantage of your blind mom.”
— Finn Eccleston,
“Seriously man, shut it.” “Alright, alright. You’re the driver,” He raised his chip bag in toast, “My life is in your hands.”
— Finn Eccleston,
“Jay?” I was shaken out of my memory. I think my dignified response went something like “Mmfh?”
— Finn Eccleston,
“Seatbelts?” I said. She clicked hers in. “Yes, old man.” “Hey, safety first.”
— Finn Eccleston,
“Let’s just pause there for a moment. Ever seen a movie where everything moves in slow motion during an action scene? As if, for the character, it actually feels that way? Gives them time to think, to act, to look cool. Take my situation, take what I just told you, and the exact opposite is true. It moved really fast. I did not think. I probably didn’t look very cool.”
— Finn Eccleston,
“Marg muttered something under her breath. It was either “Who does he think he is?” or “I hope he has no kids.” Weird that I’d mix the two of those up.You’re right. It was probably the sec…first one. First one.”
— Finn Eccleston,
“He turned to me. “All he needs is you buddy.”I nodded, steeling myself. “Sometimes what you need is not what you should want.”A lopsided grin was my response. “You can philosophize, or you can come with me.”
— Finn Eccleston,