The Shame Factor: Heal Your Deepest Fears and Set Yourself Free
Brand: Prometheus
Categories: Books, Self-Help, Death & Grief



Dimensions: 6 x 1 x 9 inches
ISBN-13: 978-1633885226
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1633885224
Publisher: Prometheus
Print length: 400 pages
Publication date: June 25, 2019
subtitle: Paperback – June 25, 2019
author: Stephan Poulter
review: Editorial Reviews Review “Untreated shame has insidious and isolating tentacles that reach into every area of life. Shame is at the core of much of my work with patients, and the meta-shame that can accompany healing often prevents people from addressing it. The Shame Factor is a compelling book that reveals the pernicious effects of shame, offers readers hope, and gives tangible ideas for how to break the cycle of shame and start healing. Dr. Poulter’s must-read book is informative, multidimensional, and accessible to anyone, and will be especially helpful for those struggling with trauma, healthy relationships, addiction, self-destructive behaviors, feeling like an imposter, or other mental health concerns.” —Dr. Kate Balestrieri, licensed psychologist, cofounder of Triune Therapy Group, and cohost of Behind Closed Doors with Dr. Kate & Lauren “Dr. Poulter draws from his decades of experience treating clients of different ages and ethnicities, to illustrate his deep understanding and insight into the problem of shame. His wisdom and dedication have helped his clients discover and heal from their shame-based issues; now Dr. Poulter shares that wisdom with readers. Following his guidance, we can uncover our fundamental emotional wounds and weaknesses; then we can identify and—with the aid of a talented therapist—recover from the formative traumas that caused them. Dr. Poulter’s brilliant insight and sensitivity will help us free ourselves from the chaotic and painful effects of shame.” —Judith J. Bucholtz, PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist “Shame is a complex emotion that many of us have a difficult time identifying. Thankfully, Dr. Poulter unpacks complicated psychological concepts in a conversational, accessible style. In The Shame Factor , he clearly and concisely destigmatizes shame, revealing not only its root causes in our lives but also how we can overcome it and eventually thrive.” —Minka Marcom, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist “In this powerful book, readers will discover how shame is affecting their lives, where it came from, and how to eliminate its impact. The conversational tone—combined with real stories about how shame has affected Dr. Poulter’s clients—allows readers to immediately apply its wisdom and begin to feel better. I highly recommend this book to all who want to change their lives or learn more about shame.” —Juli A. Adelman, PsyD, MBA, principal of Vantage Trial Consulting “Dr. Poulter’s expertise is crystal clear in this illuminating book about the problem of shame, how it presents in one’s life, and, ultimately, how to heal, grow, and move on from its negative impact. He adeptly directs readers to assess their own lives and the obvious and hidden ways shame plays a role. As the author shows, this common problem inhibits healing and is often ignored or pushed aside—even by introspective people. With his deep understanding of this subject, Dr. Poulter skillfully communicates a wealth of information without talking down to readers. Instead, he walks side by side with those who pick up The Shame Factor , offering them empathy and support on their journey. I highly recommend this book not only for individuals who are struggling with shame but also for their loved ones and treatment providers. It is an excellent reference that readers will want to delve into over and over again, discovering something new each time.” —Dr. Judy Ho, licensed clinical and forensic psychologist and tenured associate professor at Pepperdine University “ The Shame Factor really helped me understand the toxic nature of how our childhood traumas damage our self-esteem. Dr. Poulter is an expert in his field, and his authentic personal stories show us that we are not alone. I used to think that I needed to be perfect in order to gain approval and to be loved, but this book helped free me from feeling trapped in that lifelong way of thinking. The Shame Factor can help anyone heal, no matter what has happened in the past. I highly recommend this book for anyone who feels they are a bad person. There is hope.” —Jaime Allen, Marriage and Family Therapist Associate “Healing toxic shame is tricky business; however, The Shame Factor gives us a blueprint for identifying and vanquishing this insidious imposter. By bringing our shame into the light of conscious awareness, Dr. Poulter shows us how to rid ourselves of this malignant energy—for good! This book puts him in a league with Brené Brown and John Bradshaw as a potent exorcist of shame.” —John Dietsch, award-winning author and filmmaker “Dr. Poulter breaks down our struggles with shame into the simplest of terms. I never realized how damaging shame can be in our lives or how it exists as the root of so many negative emotions. Poulter’s anecdotes and stories bring to life the ways in which shame affects people, and he provides tangible techniques we can use to help us become more self-accepting and happier, so that we can experience fuller lives.” —Jack Levy, senior management consultant, investor, and philanthropist About the Author Stephan B. Poulter, Ph.D ., is a renowned Los Angeles based clinical psychologist in private practice with over thirty years of experience. Dr. Poulter brings a fresh and original perspective as a former law-enforcement office, seminary graduate, psychologist, father, and author to some of the timeless questions of families, parents, fathers, mothers, marriage/divorce, and emotional shame. He is the author of The Art of Successful Failure , Your Ex-Factor, The Mother Factor, The Father Factor , and Father Your Son . Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Foreword Self-image is more important than any other factor in determining direction, success, and overall happiness in life. This “ground zero” influences all of our choices, perspectives, and perceptions. In his seventh book, renowned psychologist Dr. Stephan Poulter explores the profound emotional experience of shame. No emotion in a man or woman’s life is more confusing, debilitating, and damaging than shame. What is shame? Its insidious nature is complicated and difficult to explain. You can live with all of the symptoms of this debilitating emotional condition and never want or be able to identify the origin. In The Shame Factor Dr. Poulter exposes the secret and nonfunctional nature of this psychological malaise. He carefully dissects the root cause of shame, how it originates, and the many ways in which it can manifest and severely damage our lives. Understanding the origin and nature of shame is the first step in bringing awareness and healing to this misunderstood emotion. Beyond simply defining shame, Dr. Poulter provides a road map to healing using insights, techniques, and exercises that have proven successful in many years of clinical practice. Self-acceptance and a person’s identity can be negatively impacted by the unseen role and harmful nature of shame. In broader terms, the understanding and clarity Dr. Poulter provides can apply to “imposter syndrome,” fear of rejection, and all kinds of insecurity and self-doubt. He shows the emotional and psychological connection between shame and the negative self-image responsible for the majority of our suffering. When trying to develop clarity about our “deep inner self,” I find it immensely helpful to expand the definition to include living a shame-free life. The day-to-day integration of both psychology and the emotional insight given in this book can aid us in our understanding of self. Dr. Poulter is unique in his credentials and perspective because of his additional training in theology and law enforcement. His inclusive and comfortable presentation style resembles a personal meeting with him. Without being overly academic or philosophical, he speaks to you in a manner that is practical, safe, and full of hope. I’m looking forward to the powerful transformation this book will have in your life. Dr. William Carter Felts ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Preface of Shame—on a Personal Level "It always seems impossible until it is done." — Nelson Mandela (Nelson Mandela Foundation, 2001) My journey with shame started early on. I had many personal challenges. I had a speech problem, a terrible time with learning how to read, and wore glasses when it was a stigma to have four eyes. Around six or seven years old, I knew something didn’t feel right inside of me. I knew it wasn’t mental illness because I saw plenty of that in my family and relatives. This feeling of terror and despair in my stomach was an all too common experience. What was it? I couldn’t describe it, I could only feel it. My reading problem became a personal problem and source of personal contention with my parents. I was always in the lowest reading group during elementary school. This feeling of inadequacy was my closest and best friend. I just couldn’t mentally put things together and struggled with reading out loud in class. I tried so hard, but my mind just didn’t process it. I got “Ds” for reading all through elementary school, which was catastrophic for me and impacted how I felt I was viewed by my parents. I am not saying that a lot of other things weren’t happening at home, but poor reading grades were the bane of my young life. Finally, in the sixth grade, my teacher had me read to her privately. I got my first “A” in reading; I literally felt like I was the luckiest kid in the world. Unfortunately, the damage was done. The self-loathing of feeling stupid, defective, and odd was already set in cement. I tried to hide my emotional malaise, but it was never far away. No one growing up talked about anything below the surface of life in the 1970s and early 1980s. There was an emotional “gag” order on expressing anything negative or remotely emotionally insightful. I clearly had grey “duck” tape figuratively around my heart and soul; this continued through childhood and into early adulthood. It wasn’t until my second major romantic break-up that I had to do something. My heart felt like it was hemorrhaging emotional pain and chronically feeling this weird emotion of being “defective” and “not good enough.” When I would mention my emotional malaise to my closet buddies, they would look at me oddly like my beagle does when I refuse to give her my dinner. I clearly had a problem that no one felt or talked about. This realization post-college was even more upsetting. On paper my life looked fine, I just didn’t feel fine. It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I finally sought out a therapist. I had to do something because the future didn’t look or feel very promising. I didn’t tell anyone that I was going to get professional help because none of my friends or family ever did that before. Putting words to this “dis-ease” and emotional malaise seemed impossible. I didn’t feel depressed, and not particularly anxious, but I just felt seriously defective. I asked my therapist on our first visit, “I feel really messed up on the inside. What is it, because I feel terrible and empty inside?” My mild-mannered psychologist looked at me and said, “Stephan, you are struggling with shame!” Finally, my emotional terrorist was named and exposed. The relief I began to feel over the following months was tremendous. What is shame? Shame was now formally named. The state of not knowing what was wrong with me was torture in itself. It’s been a bumpy dirt road of a healing process ever since in not allowing shame to control my life. This book, The Shame Factor, is an in-depth exploration into the insidious unrecognizable role shame plays in people’s lives. Smart, loving men and women tell me all the time that they don’t have any shame. The denial, avoidance, and emotional amnesia of trauma is the perfect setting for shame’s growth and control in our lives. Childhood, family history, emotional expression, addiction, career, money, love, sex, relationships, people pleasing, self-doubt, embarrassment, imposter syndrome and all the other factors of shame are going to be discussed. I know you have the courage to read this book and continue your journey to living a shame-free life. Shame is a very tricky psychological phenomenon and is going to be systematically discussed for you to see and decide how you want to manage it. "There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly." — R. Buckminster Fuller (BF Institute, 1965) Thank you, and let’s start this process. Stephan Read more