"I love princess bosom! And bacon."


"Of course you do. Underlings, untie him and give him his sword. He has friends to murder."


The bandit underlings do as commanded and direct you to the tent where Jon and Samwellington are being kept on the opposite side of the camp. The entire place is a mess of mud and slop: nothing like a rainstorm to turn a perfectly planned camp into a pile of crap. As you make your way to take care of business, you spy what can only be the ebony bandit princess. The bandit leader did not do the lass justice. She is nothing less than a dark chocolate goddess sent from the heavens themselves.


She notices you staring and rubs her nipples. "Like what you see?"


"Yes, Mam."


"Me too." She winks and blows a kiss. "Think your cute?"


"You can bet your scantily clad ass and bosom I do. I'm a generic hero after all. Being cute is in the job description."


"Ooooooo, a generic hero turned renegade! That really turns me on. I'm so wet."


"Yeah, all this rain is getting me soaked too."


"Cute and funny! We're going to have a lot of fun tonight."


"I try to have fun every night. I love games. Do you like games?"


"I think I just orgasmed. See that tent? Five minutes. Be there."


The ebony bandit princess saunters off, leaving you alone to complete your dark deed. Looking forward to countless nights of games and fun, you duck into the tent to kill Jon and Samwellington. They are blindfolded, bound, and gagged. They won't even know you betrayed them!


You raise your sword to do the deed, but before you can deliver the stroke, all the wonderful memories you had training under Jon stream through your mind. You remember the first time he taught you to dodge, the first time he had a random ragamuffin kid in the hamlet throw piles of shit at you, the time he told you what a clitoris is, and the time he first taught you that survival sometimes means kicking the enemy in the balls.


Shit I dunno if I can do this.


Perfectly understandable, but I assure you the ebony bandit princess is the only ebony chick in this universe. Is your friendship worth giving that up? She is unique, one-of-a-kind, like a special edition Poke'mon.

You free Jon and Samwellington

No, you just cannot bring yourself to betray your friends like this. You are a hero goddamn it, and being a hero sometimes means letting the legendary Poke'mon roam free. For whatever reason, the bandits just assumed you would kill your friends and did not even bother maintaining a guard on you until you actually did the dastardly deed, which makes freeing Jon and Samwellington astonishingly droll.


Samwellington maintains the status quo by squealing incomprehensible gibberish. The fellow is nothing if not consistent.


Freed from his bindings, Jon decks you in the jaw and kicks you in the groin once you hit the ground. "Never. Call. Me. A. Fucking. Bastard." He kicks you once again for good measure.


You curl into a ball and wheeze. "Understood."


With that out in the air, Jon reverts to all smiles and rainbows and helps you back to your feet. "Good. Thanks for cutting us loose. Ready to settle the score on these pricks?"


"Yeah, just give me a minute. Still in pain here."


"Right, right."


After you recover from the assault on your genitals, you, Jon, and the squealing Samwellington launch a surprise assault on the bandit camp. They prove as unprepared and hapless as they have so far demonstrated. Stab, dodge, slash, hack, dodge, dodge, slash, dodge, stab. Soon enough only the bandit leader and the ebony bandit princess remain.


"Look at what you've done!" he shouts. "Do you think I'll just stand for this?"


"I thought you just stood around and scratched your nuts all day," you say. "This is a pretty piss poor operation."


"You piss pot! You threw away the opportunity of a lifetime. You could have had an ebony bandit princess. I was going to look at you as a son! Now you'll never find true love or happiness."


"My uncle always said, 'Every piss pot has its lid.' I'll find mine some day."


The bandit leader draws his scimitar and discards his cape. Oh snap, he means business now. "You son of a peasant! I'll kill you!" The bandit leader darts forward with the speed of a black mamba.


You dodge the attack like a pro. The bandit leader moves to strike again, but his own daughter stabs him in the back.


The ebony bandit princess points to the same tent she did earlier. "You. Me. Tent. Now."


"Yay, I love games!" you cheer as you follow her into the tent.


Well, well, well nice going hero. You have your cake and you get to eat it out too. Life goes on and you and Jon eventually receive knighthoods for your valiant efforts in your ongoing adventures. Samwellington continues to provide… company if nothing else.


Ever since you entered your happy place, you have had difficulty resisting the succulent allure of bacon. Thankfully, with Samwellington around the bacon never lasts long, probably saving you from a heart attack.


You marry the former ebony bandit princess and enjoy your specialty games every night. Yay games!