Ah the basement. The refuge of all who refuse to move out of the house for whatever reason.

Some of them are dreamers who just can't fit into proper society.

Some of them have potential, but due to personality quirks fame has escaped them.

And finally 99% of them are just downright pathetic losers that just fail at life.

So choose one of these basement dwellers and enjoy the desperation and horror of their tales! You may come to find that they are just like you. In fact chances are, you'll think someone wrote a biography about you!

The Ebay Escapist (This one's for the classic randomness!)

You wake up and dread the fact that you've entered the real world again. The dream world will have to wait until later.

You don't like real world, never have. It's why you like to sleep. It allows you to get away from the reality for a little while. It's also why you prefer to hang out on your computer all night and day.

It's not really because you're afraid of the real world, it's just that you don't have that much interest in it. Sometimes it can be fascinating, but over all you just find it to be involve so much boring tedium that you'd prefer to remove yourself as much as you can from it.

It's also probably why you're over 18 and still living at home.

You're a basement dweller.

Fortunately you're one of the productive ones. You contribute to the household by buying and selling useless shit on Ebay. Unfortunately this is still "work" and as a result, it's a hassle so you probably don't put as much effort as you should into it. In fact you're more inclined to keep the stuff you buy due to your interest in odd things.

Despite your limiting of outside world contact, you can't help but feel like something different is going to happen today. You start daydreaming about possible things that could happen to you until you quickly snap yourself out of it.

As much as you'd like to waste time daydreaming, playing video games or other time wasting activities on the internet, you probably should go to "work."

Well don't just sit there with a thumb up your ass, you gonna buy useless shit, or sell it?

You buy useless shit

You decide to buy more useless shit. You can never have enough, you fuckin' obsessed pack rat.

Okay well some of this shit isn't useless, and might even do you some good. Certain items catch your eye.

You see a car that's made completely out of asbestos! How cool would that be? You could drive through fire and be none the worse for wear! True you rarely go out anymore, but maybe this would be the thing that could do it!

You see a bomb shelter for sale made of xentronium armor. Could be useful in these dangerous times we live in and it'll definitely provide you more protection than the basement.

There's a small island made of Styrofoam in the middle of the ocean. It says it's held together by hemp. While you've never been one for the beaches and sun, you wonder if you could rent it out some how. Maybe movie producers would pay you to use it or something.

Actually perhaps something more practical might be good, there's some toilet paper for sale. You know you always need that!

Finally, you see a building for sale; it doesn't really give a description. It just says "Generic Gray Building" It might be a good thing to invest in since you're getting tired of hearing your Mom's moans of ecstasy at night when she's masturbating with her 400 horse powered vibrator. A place of your own might be in order.

You buy the car! It's Asbestoriffic!

The car! You gotta get the car! As much as you don't fit in to society, you still have urges, and even you think that having a real life girl would be better than wackin' it every once in awhile You figure you might get a girlfriend if you get a car. After all chicks like cars right?

Not so fast there, asbestos boy. You gotta buy it first and a few other people seem to have the same "great idea" you have.
Eventually the bidding war is won by you, for an even $5000. There goes all the money you have in the world.

You're probably going to have to sell your prized Harlequin Baby Art Collection to make that money back, but who can put a price on the endless supply of pussy you'll be getting from this cool car?

Eventually the car arrives outside your house along with keys and an instruction booklet on your doorstep saying "READ ME FIRST!" on the front cover.

Guess they really want you to read the instructions first.

You read the instructions

Well you didn't get to be a basement dweller by being adventurous so you read the instructions first. Good thing too, there' a bunch of safety precautions to the car. Namely due to the extremely high levels of asbestos in the car, going in it without a hazmat suit would be fatal. Fortunately you just happen to have one. Unfortunately you only have one, which means that any lady that's remotely impressed by it won't be able to get in the thing without dying shortly thereafter. So unless you plan on becoming a necrophiliac, you have to come up with a new plan. (Though becoming a necrophiliac is plan B)

As you're suiting up, you think about how you're going to impress possible ladies with the car, without actually letting them get in it. You got it! A stunt! Chicks like daredevils right?

You got a bunch of compost in the backyard, A LOT. You get the idea to take that compost and put it in the middle of the street, set it on fire and then drive through it!

Enthusiastically you start grabbing compost and going through with your plan. It probably would've been a better idea to at least use a fuckin' SHOVEL on the compost instead of picking it up with your fuckin' hands you silly motherfucker. Oh well at least you're wearing a hazmat suit

Anyway you smell REALLY awful and you've just made the entire block smell that way too, when you light it on fire. This act has finally come to the attention of all the neighbors who are giving you holy hell about it.

"Jesus fucking Christ! It smells like a dead bum who just sprayed diarrhea on himself during a heat wave!" one of them shouts.

An angry mob is starting to form…

You escape in your car

Realizing you can't possibly calm them down or fight them, you quickly get in the car and start it. The car belches toxic fumes of its own causing the mob to back off a little as they begin to puke and and tear up from all the foulness in the air.

The shortest way to escape is through the burning compost. So part of you hopes that between the puking and tears that some of the cuter chicks on the block will still see your stunt

You barrel down the flaming compost pile…

SPLUNGE

You don't quite make it!

It seems you made the compost pile a little too thick and even at the high speed you were going the car couldn't quite make it all the way through. Instead you got struck right in the middle of the compost until it enveloped you completely, effectively trapping you.
Fortunately the car is made of asbestos so you're protected from getting burned to death. Unfortunately the car still runs on gasoline…

Your car explodes spectacularly throwing hot shit and asbestos pieces everywhere, not to mention killing many of the mob that were already in a state of extreme sickness at this point. The whole block is later quarantined and treated as a biohazard dump.

You of course died instantly, BUT you did get your wish! You made front page news and became a sex symbol for lonely necrophiliac women who thought you were so cool for dying in your car like that.