# Notes on Forgiveness

This post examines the virtues of **forgiveness**, **mercy**, **clemency**, and ***epieikeia***. I mostly explore what other people have learned about these virtues, rather express my own opinions about them, though I’ve been selective about what I found interesting or credible, according to my own inclinations. I wrote this not as an expert, but as someone who wants to learn. I hope it helps people who want to know more about these virtues and how to nurture them.

Forgiveness in particular has become Oprahfied as a self-help cure-all in recent years—it is not just good for your soul but “can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of heart attack; improving cholesterol levels and sleep; and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression and stress.”[^lclqyc9jrps] This trend has gone so far that a backlash began and now there is also a self-help cure-all centered on cultivating and nurturing your grudges.

Different people mean very different things by “forgiveness” so for that virtue I want to spend some time exploring why that is, what the different facets of forgiveness are, and how some people emphasize some over others.

What are these virtues?
=======================

> “Mistrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful.” ―Nietzsche[^p84i0ycfmc8]

You exercise **mercy** when you have the power and inclination to harm or punish someone else, and you refrain from doing so. Sometimes mercy tempers [justice](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/j329mTBuwmC62ZHDB/notes-on-justice-as-a-virtue) (I would be in my rights to have you arrested, but I won’t), but sometimes it has nothing to do with justice or can even temper injustice (kill all the men, but spare the women & children). Mercy isn’t necessarily even all that nice. For example, it might be called an act of mercy to warn people in a village to evacuate before you bombard it, even though by bombarding it you are harming it. Or, it might be called an act of mercy to give a condemned prisoner a last cigarette or to offer them a blindfold, even though you ultimately mean them harm.

**Clemency** typically applies only to judgement or punishment (not, in other words, to more arbitrary harm). You offer clemency to someone when you cut them slack over their wrongdoing: judging them less severely and inflicting less severe consequences, letting it slide. This term is used in a legal context to describe reduced legal punishments or the executive pardon power. Sometimes “leniency” and “indulgence” are also used in this sense. A pardon of many people, or of unknown/anonymous offenders is sometimes called an “amnesty.”

***Epieikeia*** is something like clemency, but it can go in a more-severe direction as well as a less-severe one. It is a way of wisely adhering to the spirit of the law when the letter of the law doesn’t quite match the nuances of a particular case. Aristotle described *epieikeia* this way:

> *Epieikeia* is to pardon human failings, and to look to the \[intentions of the\] lawgiver and not to the law; to the spirit and not to the letter; to the intention and not to the action; to the whole and not to the part; to the character of the actor in the long run and not in the present moment; to remember the good rather than evil, and good that one has received, rather than good that one has done; to bear being injured; to wish to settle a matter by words rather than by deeds; lastly, to prefer arbitration to judgment, for the arbitrator sees what is equitable, but the judge only the law, and for this an arbitrator was first appointed, in order that *epieikeia* might flourish.[^0ujjf0y6ut4n]

*Epieikeia* respects justice. It looks at some naively-just outcome, notices that it is actually unjust when you look at the big picture, and corrects that outcome to be more thoroughly just. Clemency or pardon, on the other hand, can (and often do) operate by bypassing justice: They look at some just outcome and decide to evade it in the interests of mercy, or as a favor.

The virtue of **forgiveness** is tricky, so I’ll postpone that definition for now.

Related virtues and concepts
----------------------------

Some other virtues in the same ballpark include [good temper](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/sp2FZeqiwaL2xLdBr/notes-on-good-temper), flexibility, pity, placability, and reconciliation.

If you squint your eyes and look at “tolerance” just right, it can look like a sort of preemptive forgiveness. For example, if you tolerate people who are noisy about the way they eat their popcorn at the movie theater now, you don’t have to bother about forgiving them for it later.

The flip-side of these virtues includes what you can do if you *are* the wrongdoer, in order to make amends: things like accepting fault, atonement, apology, restitution, reform, [shame](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/djMMhtSzLrfSgJAwi/notes-on-shame), remorse. I hope to cover some of those things in a later post.

There is some tension between these virtues and things like justice, impartiality, and righteous anger—in some views they work at cross-purposes; in others they are complementary. (*Epieikeia*, for example, is said to “crown” justice, although to people without a sense of *epieikeia*, it can seem to violate justice.)

The vices of deficiency associated with these virtues go by names like legalism, ruthlessness, grudge-holding, vengefulness, vindictiveness, harshness, mercilessness, implacability, and resentment. The vices of excess are sometimes called leniency, indulgence, being a pushover or schnook, letting people walk all over you (being a doormat), and things of that sort. If you are too apt to let your children evade judgement and punishment you will be said to be spoiling them.

Mercy/clemency and forgiveness are distinct from justification, excuse, condoning, or pardon, with which they are sometimes confused. When mercy/clemency are applied to the way justice is meted out to a wrongdoer, or a wrongdoer is forgiven, this does not imply that the wrongdoer’s action has been excused, justified, or condoned. The mercy/clemency/forgiveness is *in spite of* the blameworthiness of the wrongdoer, not a way of erasing it.

The [“restorative justice”](http://restorativejustice.org/) movement is attempting to formalize something like a forgiveness/atonement/reconciliation stage into the way society handles criminal justice.

In some interpretations of [*satyagraha*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satyagraha), this form of nonviolent resistance to injustice operates in part through a sort of preemptive forgiveness in which the *satyagrahi* provokes injustice towards herself or himself, absorbs it, and forgives it as a method of trying to end it.

In order to forgive a wrong, you have to bring it to mind again and process it differently. If you have been avoiding thinking about the wrong because it is painful to do so, you may need to lean on a virtue like courage, forbearance, or endurance.[^t6lmv8wtknf]

Taking a closer look at forgiveness
-----------------------------------

Forgiveness turns out to be difficult to define, and various philosophers and researchers have come at it from different angles and have come up with very different ideas of what it consists of and accomplishes. There is, for example, fundamental disagreement about whether forgiveness is a sort of transaction between people or an internal change-of-heart within a single person. Some people say it’s one, some the other; some say it’s primarily one but sometimes also includes the other; some say both things are important, and they often come together, but that they are distinct and it’s unfortunate that we use the same word for both; some say forgiveness always includes both in tandem.[^5ckzkzmsq65]

In this section, I’ll describe some of the possibilities and open questions involved in defining forgiveness.

Forgiveness applies when you have been wronged by someone, and you resent that person having done that wrong. The forgiveness somehow acts on that resentment: removing it, tempering it, or changing its effects in some way. Forgiveness may (or in some versions *must*) also change the relationship between the victim and the wrongdoer: reconciling them to some extent. Forgiveness may (or must) also change what counts as a just outcome: for example, perhaps the wrongdoer no longer needs to make restitution or do penance if they have been forgiven. Forgiveness may (or must) also change the forgiver’s attitude toward the wrongdoing (e.g. from intolerable to tolerated, from something that must be addressed to something that can be left alone, from something that demands reparations to something that does not).

Clemency, *epieikeia*, and mercy typically assume that the person practicing them has some power or authority over someone else that they can exercise in a more or less severe way. Forgiveness is different in that regard: it can be exercised by someone with or without such power or authority.

Usually forgiveness is applied to a specific act or series of acts (“I forgive you *for* this, that, and the other”). Every once in a while you see something that looks like blanket forgiveness (“I forgive you for being such an asshole”). On close inspection, some of those things look more like excusing than forgiving (“I see now that you are that way because you were raised by wolves”).

Forgiveness is prototypically represented as a discrete action: the forgiver decides to forgive someone for something, and may mark that decision by making a declaration or [resolution](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/W4xtftRxp23meoGdB/notes-on-resolve) like “I forgive so-and-so for such-and-such.” But forgiveness might also be the result of a more-or-less conscious long-term process, or even just the slow, gentle erosion of a grudge by the sands of time. Maybe you just realize one day that you have forgiven someone, without ever having formally decided to do so.

Occasionally you see forgiveness defined as merely the *moderation* of resentment into [reasonable](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/opBFmhnQ8HycfYkjH/notes-on-rationality) bounds. If, when you are wronged, you are tempted to go beyond the bounds of justice for a more sadistic catharsis—e.g. pounding your hurt out of the hide of the wrongdoer—then that sort of vengefulness can be a vice, and “forgiveness” of a sort can be a way of avoiding falling into that vice.

Forgiveness might be considered a “pink” (gendered feminine) virtue in American culture. One forgiveness study I looked at noted in passing that it had used “\[a\]lternative framing” in order to recruit more male participants—calling its forgiveness training intervention “grudge-management training” in outreach material in the hopes that this would seem more inviting to men.[^di5r11jg5db]

Forgiveness has been analyzed in a game-theory context. In a [prisoner’s dilemma](https://www.lesswrong.com/tag/prisoner-s-dilemma) game, for example, in which something like tit-for-tat is a good strategy, it can be easy for players to get locked into a repeating mutual-defect mode that is suboptimal for both parties. If somebody is able to reset the protocol by “forgiving” their partner/adversary, they can both benefit. On the other hand, if you forgive too readily or too often, you can end up losing to your adversary’s benefit.

**What does forgiveness do?**

Forgiveness usually does not mean that the forgiver changes their mind about whether they were wronged. The wrong still happened, and it was still wrong: it’s just a forgiven wrong now. If you do change your mind about whether you were wronged, you’re not forgiving so much as reassessing. Forgiveness also usually does not mean that the forgiver changes their mind about whether the wrongdoer was blameworthy. If you change your mind in that way, you’re probably excusing, condoning, or justifying rather than forgiving.

Forgiveness is often represented as a clean break with the way things were before: once you have forgiven, there’s no going back—the hatchet is buried for good. But there is difference of opinion about this, too. Maybe just as you changed your mind to forgive someone, you can change it back again to deforgive them. If you know you can always deforgive someone later if forgiving turns out to have been a bad idea, that might make it easier to practice forgiveness, which could be a good thing. On the other hand, maybe a retractable-forgiveness isn’t the real deal, and doesn’t provide the same benefits as a final-forgiveness would.

In some definitions of forgiveness, in order to forgive you must renounce certain things. You may have felt that your anger justifies hostility, unkindness, contempt, or scorn towards the wrongdoer; maybe in order to forgive you have to lose that justification. You may have felt the need to take revenge, to adopt a stance of righteous indignation, or to demand satisfaction or recompense; maybe in order to forgive you have to drop some or all of that. When you “forgive a debt,” for example, you resolve to leave it uncollected, and you no longer hold it against the debtor: you wipe it off the books. But there is a lot of difference of opinion as to which things (if anything) you necessarily renounce as a condition of forgiving someone. The [VIA Institute’s page on forgiveness](https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths/forgiveness) says that “\[i\]t means to let go,” for example of “frustration, disappointment, resentment, or other painful feelings associated with an offense.” But do you have to (or should you) disavow your *feelings* or merely your sense that you are justified in acting on those feelings in certain ways?

Those who focus on forgiveness as an internal thing represent forgiveness as the successful culmination of the process of coping with being wronged: If you get interrupted or frustrated and cannot reach a state of forgiveness, in this telling, something has gone wrong, and the result will be that you churn uselessly in painful resentment. Those who focus on forgiveness as a transactional thing, on the other hand, are more apt to see forgiveness as something conditional that may (or ought to) be withheld—indefinitely if need be—from a wrongdoer who does not make an effort to earn it.

One way of looking at forgiveness is that it seals off a past wrongdoing and makes it fully-past.[^o4mdwf27d9b] Until you forgive some wrongdoing, that wrongdoing continues to be a source of injury in the present. When you forgive it, you decide that the harms of the wrongdoing *were* done but are no longer *being* done. Because of this, you can still blame the wrongdoer for the harm they did, but you no longer have to adopt a defensive stance against the wrongdoer for the harm they continue to do.

Hannah Arendt highlighted the *creative* aspect of forgiveness. When you react to being wronged with vengeance or resentment, you are in a way confining your wheels to the ruts dug by the original wrong. When you forgive, you break out of those ruts and go your own way:

> Forgiving is the only reaction which does not merely re-act but acts anew and unexpectedly, unconditioned by the act which provoked it and therefore freeing from its consequences both the one who forgives and the one who is forgiven.[^bk50i679c3d]

People who focus on the internal aspect of forgiveness describe it as laying down a burden. If you don’t forgive, you have unfinished business with the wrongdoer that nags at you. Forgiveness allows you to check it off the list and be done with it. You release your grip on the hatchet so you can bury it.

Many sorts of negative feelings may come from being wronged; resentment towards the wrongdoer is only one of them. Forgiveness focuses on that one, and sometimes is criticized for prioritizing healing those negative feelings that target the wrongdoer over the other ones. But one way people may keep their resentment toward a wrongdoer hot is by blowing on the coals of their other hurts; so if you give up resentment this may help you to allow the other hurts to cool off as well.

Forgiveness is sometimes said to operate on *meaning*. It changes the frame or story that the forgiving person uses to describe the events of the past, so as to give those events a different interpretation or to refit them into the evolving context of the forgiving person’s life. For instance, event *X* might go from being “*X* is why I do not trust *Y*” to “*X* is something I had to forgive in order to again trust *Y*.” Forgiveness can be a variety of alchemy that turns misfortunes in our past from calamities-that-afflicted-me into challenges-I-overcame and helps us envision ourselves as more empowered, active agents.[^jnzp0o7c2e]

A possible stumbling block to forgiveness-as-meaning-transformation is if you believe that by admitting that forgiveness is the right thing to do now you are also admitting that resentment was the wrong thing to do before now. It may be easier to forgive if you can tell a story in which you were right to feel hurt, right to feel resentful, but then *also* right to eventually forgive—you don’t have to renounce your former feelings to adopt new ones.

Forgiveness *can* be an attempt by the victim to reconcile with the wrongdoer—to repair the rupture in the relationship that was caused by the wrongdoing or by the victim’s reaction to it. But this isn’t always the case. You might forgive a person who has died, or forgive a stranger you’ll never meet again, for instance. But you might also (maybe?) forgive someone without any desire to be reconciled with them. Or you might forgive some things a person did without forgiving others, and so still be on the outs with them for that reason. Sometimes forgiveness implies that you will give the forgiven person another chance, sometimes not. It can in some circumstances be a relief to know that you can forgive someone without reconciling with them.[^v4srsog9oyl]

Another way forgiveness might operate on my relationship with the wrongdoer is just to change the priority of the wrongdoing in how I evaluate them. Instead of them *being* the Wrongdoer, they become somebody who, among other things, did me wrong. It demotes the wrongdoing from being the most salient fact about that person, and the overriding consideration in my evaluations of them, to just being another fact about that person. This can allow me to see them more clearly and in less of a caricature.

Just as you might forgive someone internally (by no longer dwelling on their wrong) without forgiving them externally/socially (by reconciling with them or by telling them they are forgiven), you might also do the reverse. This is sometimes called an insincere or “hollow” act of forgiveness, and is meant to reap the social benefits of forgiveness without having to renounce the grudge.

Offering someone forgiveness for something can be a backhanded way of reminding them that you find them blameworthy. It can be insulting (maybe intentionally so) to offer forgiveness to someone who does not believe they have done anything blameworthy. In this way explicitly offering forgiveness can sometimes backfire as a method of prompting reconciliation.

**Who can be forgiven, and by whom?**

> “We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to [love](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/KjScjtBpGboH6uELz/notes-on-love). There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” —MLK, Jr.[^uexjm3971cq]

It’s almost always inappropriate, indeed erroneous, to forgive someone for something blameworthy they did to hurt someone else; only the direct victim can do the forgiving. As a third party you can offer mercy or pardon—you might say “well, I won’t hold that against you” but to say “I forgive you” is usurping authority you don’t have. Vicarious, third-party forgiveness doesn’t work except maybe in some unusual edge cases (or arguably in certain religious contexts).

People who emphasize the internal-transformation aspect of forgiveness note that you can forgive someone even if they have passed out of your life and you will never see them again. People who emphasize the transactional aspect of forgiveness have a harder time explaining such cases (they may suggest that this is only a quasi-forgiveness that might be better termed “letting go” or something like that).

Sometimes people will forgive in a way that implies that they are acknowledging that they are just as flawed as the offender (“I’ve probably unthinkingly cut someone off in traffic myself at some point”). And occasionally forgiveness is described as though this were an important key to it: we’re all sinners, we all have our good and bad sides. But sometimes you resent an act of wrongdoing precisely because it’s something you consider completely beyond the pale, the sort of thing you would never do—something that cannot be explained by carelessness or ordinary human foibles. For example, I would be astonished to hear someone forgive someone who raped them by noting “after all, if things had gone a little differently, *I* might have raped *you*.”

Maybe there is a sort of forgivableness-ladder: On the lowest rung are inconsiderate but common things; they can be forgiven easily and without a lot of fuss because they’re considered ordinary human failings. Above that are things that are exceptionally unkind or maybe even monstrous, but where the offender has recognized this and has corrected for it (e.g. by vowing to become better, by making amends); these things are perhaps forgivable-with-effort. And above that are exceptionally awful things for which the offender has shown no remorse; such things might remain unforgivable.

There are also “micro-forgivenesses” that are part of day-to-day [courtesy](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/WxRGSgNj5dmQ7mBmK/notes-on-courtesy): “Pardon me”; “no problem” / “*de nada*.”

**Can you forgive yourself?**

Can you forgive yourself? Is there a sense in which you can be resentful of yourself? This seems metaphorical. But to the extent that it makes sense to say things like “I let myself down” / “how could I have let myself do that” / “I was disappointed in myself,” I suppose you might also say “I forgive myself for that.” Sometimes people feel guilt for things that only they are privy to—secret feelings or fantasies or things they have done in private—and maybe something akin to forgiveness can relieve that.

Because in such a case you occupy both sides of the forgiveness transaction—forgiver and forgiven—such a process can help you better understand your own criteria for forgiveness. Why have you not already forgiven yourself? Why do you feel you have not earned it, or what else is standing in the way?

Psychologists Nathaniel Wade & Marilyn Cornish developed a four-stage process for self-forgiveness that has shown promise in helping people to relieve the psychological stress of self-condemnation and to correct for misdeeds or mistakes.[^16syl0s4df2]

**Is forgiveness conditional?**

There is a difference of opinion also about the extent to which forgiveness is up to the discretion of the person who was wronged. Does that person need to have reasons to forgive, or can they forgive without justification? If forgiveness is all about laying down your burden of unpleasant internal thoughts and feelings, it may seem entirely up to you whether that’s worth doing. But even in such a case, you might be criticized for being unwise in forgiving someone prematurely, or forgiving someone who is unrepentant, or if forgiving someone leads you to drop your guard against future harm caused by them. If you are too eager to forgive you might be criticized for being a doormat—letting people walk all over you. Such a thing might be a symptom of a poor sense of self-worth or a lack of [dignity](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/cYyRyYskLjZAXibie/notes-on-dignity).

If forgiveness is transactional and social, some argue that you have an *obligation* not to forgive someone until they have repented, atoned, made reparations, or some-such:[^zk0uoi4emib] that it is one of the unfortunate burdens of being victimized that you must continue to stand as an accusing witness against your victimizer, perhaps for the benefit of others. If so, you might be socially irresponsible if you forgive someone from the selfish motive of getting the burden of resentment off of your shoulders. It might be *unfair* that if someone does you wrong they also burden you with the obligation to hold it against them, but so it goes. Punishment of wrongdoers has multiple purposes—such as to prevent them from doing further harm, to discourage other wrongdoers, for restitution, to chastise or provoke penance, and for the satisfaction of their victims. Maybe the victim can renounce only the last of these in the course of their forgiveness, while society remains on the hook for enforcing the remainder.

If you refuse to forgive a wrongdoer until the wrongdoer meets some condition (apologizes, repents, makes amends, does penance), this seems to give the wrongdoer power over you: they can force you to hold onto your resentment by withholding these things. If forgiveness is mostly about laying down a burden, then this seems unwise. But if forgiveness is more like an offer (the “give” in “forgive”), then it makes sense to make it conditional. That can lead to a stalemate, though, in which the wrongdoer sees no value in the victim’s offer, and so no value in meeting the conditions, and so forgiveness never comes to pass. Depending on your perspective, that can be considered an additional and partially self-inflicted harm to the victim. On the other hand, offering conditional forgiveness can be a way of testing the waters to see if forgiveness would be wise; if your offer is rejected because the wrongdoer doesn’t give a fig about healing the breach between you, that might be a good sign that you should take forgiveness off the table for now.

Forgiveness *can* signal that an apology has been accepted, that amends have been made, that atonement is complete. This can encourage apology, amends, and atonement by holding out the promise of letting the wrongdoer off the hook. A public declaration of forgiveness can also relieve others of any obligation they have taken on in sympathy to the victim to be vengeful to or contemptuous of the wrongdoer on behalf of the victim.

Even if forgiveness is mostly at the discretion of the person forgiving, that person can still exercise that discretion in a vicious way (e.g. “I can forgive just about anyone except a damn dirty Jew”), and so can be blameworthy for some ways in which they exercise that discretion. If, as in that example, you forgive (or don’t) based on irrational/irrelevant considerations, you can inadvertently (or maybe not so inadvertently) cement irrational/irrelevant prejudices (“why are all the people I have grudges against Jewish… there must be something about them!”).

**Political forgiveness**

Forgiveness in a political context can help opposing sides reconcile themselves to cooperating in a political community. This can take the form of peace treaties, pardons, amnesties, or [“truth and reconciliation”](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Truth_commission) processes, or can be more informal.

Does it make sense to talk about forgiving an institution (“I don’t know if I can forgive the Army for what they did to my boy”)?

**Status-restoring forgiveness**

Some forms of forgiveness concern things that are not wrongs in an absolute sense, but in more of a relationship-based sense. “I thought you were my friend, but then you blabbed my secrets on Insta.”

In such a case you come to doubt the status of the relationship: you may demote the person from friend to acquaintance, and adjust your expectations and obligations accordingly. In such a case, a form of forgiveness can be part of the protocol of restoring the previous relationship.

This can bottom-out if you have expectations for how everybody ought to treat people *as people*, and someone violates *those* expectations. You cannot demote someone out of the people category, except awkwardly and with some potentially troubling side-effects. It may be that a different variety of forgiveness has to be enlisted for situations like these.[^wetesygzjq]

Agnes Callard pointed out that being righteously indignant toward someone seems to imply, ironically, that we consider ourselves kindred in some way: we expected them to live by a shared set of standards, they failed to do so, and we demonstrate anger towards them as a way of either prompting them to get back in line or of prompting those around us to reaffirm the shared standards that were violated.[^4gjj353zjsb] We do not get angry at someone in this way if we had no expectations that they shared our standards. This suggests that another path to forgive someone might be not to reconcile with them but to exile them from your conception of the shared community.

What’s good about forgiveness (and mercy and such)?
===================================================

A virtue is a trait that characterizes someone who is living a flourishing human life. How do forgiveness/mercy/clemency help you to flourish? Here are some ways:

1.  Forgiveness can be a relief; it can feel good directly. It has been compared to laying down a burden.
2.  The Stoics would argue that it is irrational to continue to experience torment about something in the past that you cannot change. You should save your emotional and intellectual labor for things you can change, if you want to live the most flourishing life. Forgiveness is a way to stop this unproductive emotional churning.
3.  Simmering anger about the past can make you behave poorly in the present. For example, you might lash out impatiently at some innocent person because your temper is frayed.
4.  Mercy/clemency can put another person in your debt, which may be a resource you can call on when you need it. “If I am even with my enemy, the debt is paid; but if I forgive it, I oblige him for ever.” ―William Penn[^9fh9tg0q3c6]
5.  Forgiveness/mercy/clemency can contribute to social harmony and reconciliation, which can make your path through life easier.
6.  Forgiveness can help you maintain and restore relationships, which are important parts of a flourishing life.
7.  Forgiveness can encourage other people to be forgiving towards you, which you’re bound to need eventually.
8.  Forgiveness/mercy/clemency can be a mechanism to practice certain other virtues, like generosity, charity, tolerance, or magnificence.
9.  Forgiveness/mercy/clemency/*epikieia* are themselves admirable characteristics, aside from their instrumental value.

### Forgiveness as a sign of confidence and strength

Forgiveness/mercy/clemency can signal your strength and power. If you shrug off wrongs committed against you, this demonstrates confidence. Shakespeare wrote, “Thinkst thou it honourable for a noble man / still to remember wrongs?”,[^v0l7mnf6p49] and, of mercy:

> ’Tis mightiest in the mightiest. It becomes  
> The thronèd monarch better than his crown.  
> His scepter shows the force of temporal power,  
> The attribute to [awe](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/7LnHFj4gs5Zd4WKcu/notes-on-awe) and majesty  
> Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings,  
> But mercy is above this sceptered sway.  
> It is enthronèd in the hearts of kings.  
> It is an attribute to God himself.  
> And earthly power doth then show likest God’s  
> When mercy seasons justice.[^64ai7g1hwdu]

From personal experience, I find that I have become more forgiving as I have aged. I used to be more *indulgent*, which I now think of as a sloppier way to go about it. Now I hold people to higher standards from the get-go, but am more able to forgive when people slip up. I think my ability to forgive more easily comes from the increasing confidence and strength (and experience) of maturity, and this makes me sympathetic with people who argue that being *maximally* forgiving can be compatible with a thriving life, though I still fall far short of that myself.

The Christian perspective
-------------------------

> “Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.” ―Jesus[^5ysk216bw5b]

Christianity strongly emphasizes forgiveness. Hannah Arendt went so far as to claim that Jesus was “the discoverer of the role of forgiveness in the realm of human affairs.”[^bk50i679c3d]

The short prayer Jesus taught his followers to recite begs God for three things, the second of which is: “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.”[^21pnhiqmgux] When Peter asked Jesus when enough is enough when it comes to forgiving someone, Jesus said “not seven times, but seventy-seven times”[^gk4j9yi9ju] and he warned that if you ask God for forgiveness and yet you have not practiced forgiveness towards others, you’ll be out of luck.[^sbdyjfbkgms] The story of Jesus is about humans becoming reconciled with God through forgiveness of sins, as mediated through Jesus’s sacrifice. In one of the gospels, Jesus during his crucifixion asks God to forgive those who have crucified him.[^28rp0mh6o3l]

A big selling point of Christianity is its promise that once you’ve been washed in the blood of the Lamb, your sins are forgiven and you can start with a clean slate. This suggests that there is a lot of hunger for forgiveness that Christianity helps to satisfy.

Critics of the modern self-help cult of forgiveness sometimes accuse it of being essentially old Christian assumptions dressed up in new psychological trappings.[^606bly1xknm]

What’s good about holding a grudge, though?
-------------------------------------------

It’s easy to find reasons why holding a grudge is bad. The very word “grudge” sounds like a name you’d give to something bad-to-hold. In [my post on the virtue of good temper](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/sp2FZeqiwaL2xLdBr/notes-on-good-temper#Holding_grudges) I compared holding a grudge to “dragg\[ing\] around the rotting carcass of a grievance.” Yet hold them we do. Maybe there’s a good reason. Do we get anything valuable in return?

A while back, the self-help pendulum began to swing the other way, and the *New York Times* declared “Grudges can be good!”,[^pra9wz8qisr] highlighting the work of Sophie Hannah and her book [*How to Hold a Grudge: From Resentment to Contentment—The Power of Grudges to Transform Your Life*](https://sophiehannah.com/how-to-hold-a-grudge-2/). Hannah’s theory, in a nutshell:

*   A grudge is a story that helps us remember how something went wrong and warns us when we see a similar pattern again. Nursing a grievance may be worth the sacrifice in present comfort if it fortifies us against future wrongs. It’s a variety of mnemonic or heuristic (e.g. “this person doesn’t play fair”) that helps us make good decisions.
*   A grudge is a way of asserting that the wrongdoing towards you *mattered*. In this way, it is one way the virtues of [justice](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/j329mTBuwmC62ZHDB/notes-on-justice-as-a-virtue) and [dignity](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/cYyRyYskLjZAXibie/notes-on-dignity) can play out in your life.
*   Grudges make us more aware of our values (in this case, what we detest) such that we are less apt to do contemptible things.

Hannah recommends that you try to make your grudges more conscious and deliberate. First write down your grudge story—make it explicit—as this helps you analyze it more rationally. This is also cathartic: writing down grudge stories gets them “out of ourselves so we’re not stuck in a feeling.”

Then go through your story step by step and ask “what could I have done differently?” This changes the focus from what was done to you in the past to how you can defend yourself in the future. This helps restore your agency and also makes your grudge more useful to you as a source of advice for how to go through life better-fortified.

**Other criticisms of forgiveness**

Other forgiveness-skeptics note that if we praise forgiveness and admire people who forgive, this can be an implicit judgement against people who do not forgive for whatever reason. This can revictimize those people—unfairly punishing them for continuing to resent their injuries. Encouraging forgiveness can also prolong continuing victimization in, for example, domestic violence situations, or when a politician trots out a variation on the familiar “mistakes were made; let’s not focus on the past” gambit in order to avoid accountability.

People who make decisive declarations of forgiveness may also be claiming more conscious control over their emotions than they really have. If forgiveness is supposed to mean that you no longer have hard feelings about some past injustice, maybe this is something you can *notice* but not something you can force by diktat.

To the extent that forgiveness is supposed to erase blame, it has been criticized for being false. Philosopher John Kekes wrote, “when blaming wrongdoers is reasonable, there is no reason to forgive them; and when blaming them is unreasonable, there is nothing to forgive.”[^dfegjqoxw7]

A similar critique can be made of mercy: that it is not a kindness to thwart justice toward an offender, but a form of unkindness practiced toward the offender’s victims or towards those who would be injured by future offenders who are encouraged by the hope of forgiveness for the crimes they anticipate committing.

> I show \[pity\] most of all when I show justice,  
> For then I pity those I do not know,  
> Which a dismiss’d offense would after gall,  
> And do him right that, answering one foul wrong,  
> Lives not to act another.[^s4854xbneae]

**The victim “forgiveness” anti-pattern**

There is an anti-pattern of thought and behavior seen in some chronic victims, in which when they are victimized their first inclination is to wonder what they did to deserve it. Rather than feeling [righteous anger](https://www.lesswrong.com/s/xqgwpmwDYsn8osoje/p/89ysyJQZRJJneXNfZ) towards those who victimize them, they instead feel ironically apologetic and as though it is they who ought to make amends or attempt to mend fences. These efforts may appear superficially like a form of forgiveness (and observers may interpret them that way).

**Forgiveness and status**

It is tricky to negotiate forgiveness between people of different social status.

If a person of low status forgives a person of high status, this may be interpreted more as a display of *submission* than of forgiveness. (I’m reminded of the anti-hero Widmerpool in Anthony Powell’s *A Dance to the Music of Time*, who, as a schoolboy, on being accidentally smacked in the face with a banana by a higher-status boy, forgave instantly, in a way that his fellows interpreted as “slavish” and repulsive.)

When a high-status person forgives a low-status person, it can be viewed as condescending: sending a message of either “you are so insignificant that I can’t be expected to be concerned about any harm you’ve done me” or “your inconsiderate action is about what I expected from the likes of you.”

In such circumstances of status difference, transactional forgiveness may require nuanced attention to technique in order to avoid such undesirable side effects.

How does one forgive?
=====================

There have been some attempts to break down the process of forgiveness into parts that can be addressed individually. Each of these pathways makes certain assumptions about what forgiveness is and what it is meant to accomplish, however, and those things are still very much up for debate.

Robert Enright’s method
-----------------------

Robert Enright (founder of the [“International Forgiveness Institute”](https://internationalforgiveness.com/)) developed a twenty-step forgiveness pathway[^iisrdpf6dy] that has roughly the following stages:

1.  Examine the wrong you suffered, who caused it, and the context in which it happened.
2.  Consider the anger you feel about it, any shame or guilt associated with it, and how the wrong and your reaction to it have affected you since.
3.  Decide whether you want to change how you are currently dealing with the wrong and into an attitude of forgiveness instead. If so…
4.  Work on understanding, compassion, and acceptance, and make a gesture of reconciliation to the offender.
5.  Reformulate the way you remember your experience of being wronged and working toward forgiveness in various healthy and forward-looking ways.

Everett Worthington’s method
----------------------------

Everett Worthington (director of the “A Campaign for Forgiveness Research” project) developed another pathway,[^wfelanfv3c7] roughly:

1.  Acknowledge the wrong, but in a way that leaves the way open for forgiveness and affirms the worth of the offender.
2.  Express your grievance to the offender *in absentia*; then turn this around and imagine yourself as the offender and try to see their perspective.
3.  Forgive the offender in the form of a gift (i.e. not from selfish motives, or conditionally).
4.  Formalize your forgiveness by writing it down somewhere (for yourself).
5.  Revisit that note to remind yourself that you have forgiven, if your forgiveness lapses.

Worthington has [a set of do-it-yourself workbooks](http://www.evworthington-forgiveness.com/diy-workbooks) on his website that claim to help people become more forgiving.

Frederic Luskin’s method
------------------------

Frederic Luskin (author, *Forgive for Good*) has a nine-step path[^i3ho1mag1an] that, in contrast to the previous two paths, focuses more on the internal benefits of forgiveness than on reconciliation with the offender (my paraphrase):

1.  Articulate your feelings about what happened to you, and tell someone you trust.
2.  Commit to doing what it takes to feel better. “Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.”
3.  Come to an understanding of what forgiveness is and what it’s for.
4.  Understand that your current distress isn’t being caused by what happened to you then, but how you are dealing with it now.
5.  Use a stress management technique when your anger becomes acute. Get some distance between the event that hurt you and the response you are going to have to it.
6.  Take control of what you can control; drop expectations for things and people that you cannot control.
7.  Look for other ways to meet the goals that you currently try to meet through holding your grudge.
8.  “\[A\] life well lived is your best revenge” so do that.
9.  Change the story you tell about your grievance to highlight your process of forgiveness.

The Forgiveness Reconciliation Model
------------------------------------

The Forgiveness Reconciliation Model has these steps (my paraphrase):[^h81s29b4o0g]

1.  In conversation with someone you trust, examine what you are resentful about. Consider in particular whether you fear future or ongoing harm.
2.  Consider carefully whether reconciliation is a realistic or helpful option.
    1.  If so, look for signs that the offender is remorseful, willing to change, or is otherwise seeking forgiveness in a meaningful way. Let them know you notice these things. Share with the offender your vision of what reconciliation would look like.
    2.  If not, release your resentment anyway. Acknowledge that you are not going to get the apology or restitution or recognition that you may have been hoping for, and stop considering it an unpaid debt but write it off as uncollectable. Allow yourself to be disappointed about this temporarily, as a replacement for resentment. Let go of the hope of a fully-reconciled relationship.
3.  After a while, reflect on what’s changed. Are you over the hump and moving toward reconciliation or toward healing, or did you get stuck? 

Reappraisal
-----------

A simpler, one-step process that seems to help get people closer to forgiveness is called “reappraisal.” One study tested two varieties of “reappraisals” of offenses.[^m7sdu1qu0r] In one variety, the victims reappraised the story of the offense in terms of “the offender’s humanity” and their “need for positive transformation.” In the other, they “emphasized \[their own\] insights gained or strengths shown in facing the offense.” Both varieties helped to increase the victims’ happiness and positive emotion and their aptness to forgive the offender. The first variety (dubbed “compassion-focused reappraisal”) was more effective at stimulating forgiveness. The specific instructions given to the subjects in that group were:

> “For the next two minutes, try to think of the offender as a human being whose behavior shows that person’s need to experience a positive transformation or healing. Try to give a gift of mercy and genuinely wish that person well. During your imagery, actively focus on the thoughts, feelings, and physical responses you have as you cultivate compassion, kindness, and mercy for this person.”

### Philosophical reappraisals

A more abstract philosophical variety of reappraisal recharacterizes wrongdoing such that feeling resentful or retributive about it is irrational.

For example, Socrates argued that wrongdoing is a sort of ignorance rather than a sort of malice (nobody would do wrong intentionally, so the wrongdoer must merely be mistaken).[^sf4xuzrjc3]

And people who doubt the existence of free will can hardly justify being indignant (maybe they can’t help it) when people do wrong they could not have avoided doing.

### Psychological reappraisals

If you do a deep dive into the backgrounds and characteristics of people who commit awful crimes, you often find that they have been damaged in ways that seem somewhat explanatory (brain damage, mental illness, trauma, pathological upbringing).

Because such things are often not immediately observable, some people adopt the heuristic that if another person *appears* wicked, they probably would reveal themselves to be merely pitiful if you could see under the surface.

So to the philosophical reappraisals (“they’re not evil, they’re ignorant/fated”) you can add the psychological “they’re ill/broken/disturbed.”[^0nva3ssb7t5]

Meta-analyses of such methods
-----------------------------

A meta-analysis of several controlled studies of forgiveness-oriented interventions examined whether certain classes of intervention helped people to forgive, and also whether this helped their emotional health in general.[^04nbur0c2vl7] It found strong support on both counts for process-based forgiveness interventions (ones that helped people go through a multi-step process like one of those described above), but no support for decision-based forgiveness interventions (ones that helped people decide to forgive). However, the process-based interventions tended to be longer in duration, so the results might be explained by the quantity instead of the quality of the two approaches.

Another meta-analysis of group-based forgiveness interventions to determine how well they work to increase self-reported forgiveness (or decrease “unforgiveness”) concluded that “The data appear to speak clearly: Forgiveness interventions are effective.”[^e9fhjku7atn] That’s not too shocking—forgiveness interventions improve self-reported forgiveness—but it does mean you can headline: “Science Discovers How To Forgive.”

For what it’s worth, another meta-analysis looked into how forgiveness interventions affected depression, anxiety, and hopelessness, and concluded “interventions designed to promote forgiveness are more effective at helping participants achieve forgiveness and hope and reduce depression and anxiety than either no treatment or alternative treatments.”[^rxhd59t0crj]

Researchers are also looking into ways that people can achieve the personal benefits of forgiveness without actually forgiving a wrongdoer.[^hacnnrsbzoi] This could be helpful when a wrongdoer seems unforgivable or when forgiveness feels like an undeserved gift to the wrongdoer.

How does one become forgiving, merciful, etc.?
==============================================

> “Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a constant attitude.” —MLK, Jr.[^m5yctdqripa]

To rise to the level of a virtue, your forgiveness or mercy or clemency needs to be something that has become a part of your character: you need to have become a forgiving, merciful, clement person. This doesn’t mean that you are *maximally* forgiving, merciful, and clement (which would put you into doormat territory) but that you are skilled at practicing forgiveness, mercy, and clemency in the right amounts, in regards to the right people and actions, at the proper time, and in the best way.

Usually forming a virtue like this is a matter of practice and habit. In the cases of these virtues in particular, it may require that you give yourself a bit of a nudge. “I have an old grievance I’ve become fond of chewing on. Might now be a good time to practice how to give that up?” or “I would be entirely within my rights to demand my pound of flesh from this so-and-so, but might now be a good time to practice mercy?” If you want to be a merciful, forgiving person you need to be on the lookout for opportunities, which may happen when you are least in the mood for them.

Forgiveness and mercy may largely depend on having a certain disposition, but clemency and *epieikeia* also require a well-tempered sense of justice and practical wisdom. A good cook can safely improvise to improve a recipe, but a bad cook had better stick with what’s printed in the book. Similarly, if you aren’t pretty sure you know what you’re doing, your attempts at clemency and *epieikeia* might just be indulgence and bias dressed up in fancy clothes. We may be able to learn how to practice those virtues well by carefully examining precedents or by learning from people who are especially Solomonic.

[^lclqyc9jrps]: “Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It” Johns Hopkins Medicine: Wellness and Prevention 

[^p84i0ycfmc8]: Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra (1883) Ⅱ.29 “On the Tarantulas” 

[^0ujjf0y6ut4n]: Aristotle, Rhetoric Ⅰ.13 

[^t6lmv8wtknf]: Richard S. Balkin “How to Forgive (even if they’re unrepentant)” Psyche 13 November 2024.“The biggest obstacle to forgiveness may be your understandable emotional responses. If you’re feeling stress, anger, fear or sadness about what happened, you might avoid thinking about the prospect of forgiveness—and perhaps even the conflict itself—as a way to avoid these negative feelings. Common defence mechanisms such as denial and emotional repression can function as both a sort of protection and a barrier to truly addressing the wrongdoing you have experienced.” 

[^5ckzkzmsq65]: Balkin (2024) op. cit. allows for two sorts of forgiveness, saying that “relinquishing feelings of ill will towards the offender and repairing the relationship with that person” is “what I’ll call ‘interpersonal forgiveness’” while if you only do the former and refrain from the latter, “it is better thought of as ‘intrapersonal forgiveness’.” 

[^di5r11jg5db]: Alex H.S. Harris, Frederic Luskin, Sonya B. Norman, Sam Standard, Jennifer Bruning, Stephanie Evans, & Carl E. Thoresen, “Effects of a Group Forgiveness Intervention on Forgiveness, Perceived Stress, and Trait-Anger” Journal of Clinical Psychology (2006) 

[^o4mdwf27d9b]: P. Hieronymi “Articulating an uncompromising forgiveness” Philosophy and Phenomenological Research (2001) 

[^bk50i679c3d]: Hannah Arendt “Irreversibility and the Power to Forgive” The Human Condition (1958) 

[^jnzp0o7c2e]: Michael E. McCullough, Lindsey M. Root, & Adam D. Cohen “Writing About the Benefits of an Interpersonal Transgression Facilitates Forgiveness” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (2006)Common perceived benefits [from being transgressed against] include realizing one’s inner strengths, renewed spirituality, new appreciation for one’s life, improved interpersonal relationships, developing new wisdom or new motivation to care for oneself, and readjusting one’s priorities in life.See also the replication in vanOyen Witvliet et al. (2010) below. 

[^v4srsog9oyl]: Nathaniel Wade “Forgive and be free” Psyche 14 August 2020 

[^uexjm3971cq]: Martin Luther King, Jr., “Loving Your Enemies” Strength To Love (1963) 

[^16syl0s4df2]: Nathaniel Wade & Marilyn Cornish “How to forgive yourself” Aeon 29 March 2023 

[^zk0uoi4emib]: “Forgiveness is not intended for people smugly content in their good consciences or for unrepentant offenders… for louts and their ilk. Before forgiveness can even be considered, the offender must cease challenging his guilt and acknowledge it, making no pleas in his own defense or calling on extenuating circumstances… Though unexpiated crimes are precisely the ones that require forgiveness, unrepentant criminals are precisely the ones who do not.”―Vladimir Jankélévitch Le Pardon (1967) pp. 204–05This frames forgiveness as a gift to the offender, rather than as something the resentful person does for their own benefit. 

[^wetesygzjq]: André Comte-Sponville suggests that we have to move on from forgiveness entirely and rely on things like pity and mercy in a situation like this.André Comte-Sponville A Short Treatise on the Great Virtues (1996) [Catherine Temerson translation, 2002] pp. 118–31 

[^4gjj353zjsb]: @Agnes Callard  Open Socrates (2025) 

[^9fh9tg0q3c6]: William Penn, Some Fruits of Solitude in Reflections and Maxims (1693) 

[^v0l7mnf6p49]: William Shakespeare, Coriolanus Ⅴ.3, spoken by Volumnia 

[^64ai7g1hwdu]: William Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice Ⅳ.1, spoken by Portia 

[^5ysk216bw5b]: Matthew 5:7 

[^21pnhiqmgux]: Matthew 6:12 

[^gk4j9yi9ju]: Matthew 18:22 

[^sbdyjfbkgms]: Matthew 6:15 

[^28rp0mh6o3l]: Luke 23:34 

[^606bly1xknm]: See, for example, Murali’s comment on “Forgiveness” at Crooked Timber, 24 May 2019: “Forgiveness fetishism, as I have observed it, seems to be a very western/white person thing. It seems like a holdover from a christian past and people who advocate it seem to be finding any sort of excuse to preach what they learned when they were young even if they currently profess to no longer being christian.” 

[^pra9wz8qisr]: Jolie Kerr “How to Hold Healthy Grudges” New York Times 2 January 2019The pendulum swung back a few months later:Tim Herrera “Let Go of Your Grudges. They’re Doing You No Good” New York Times 19 May 2019 

[^dfegjqoxw7]: John Kekes, “Blame vs. Forgiveness” The Monist (2009) 

[^s4854xbneae]: William Shakespeare Measure for Measure Ⅱ.2, spoken by Angelo 

[^iisrdpf6dy]: Enright Forgiveness Process Model 

[^wfelanfv3c7]: REACH Forgiveness of Others 

[^i3ho1mag1an]: Forgive for Good: 9 Steps 

[^h81s29b4o0g]: Richard S. Balkin, Michelle Perepiczka, Shaun M. Sowell, Kish Cumi, Philip B. Gnilka “The Forgiveness Reconciliation Model: An Empirically Supported Process for Humanistic Counselling” The Journal of Humanistic Counseling 1 April 2016Balkin (2024) op. cit. 

[^m7sdu1qu0r]: Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet et al. “Compassion-focused reappraisal, benefit-focused reappraisal, and rumination after an interpersonal offense: Emotion-regulation implications for subjective emotion, linguistic responses, and physiology” The Journal of Positive Psychology (2010) 

[^sf4xuzrjc3]: e.g Protagoras, Meno, Gorgias 

[^0nva3ssb7t5]: Leonard Bernstein “Gee, Officer Krupke” West Side Story (1956) 

[^04nbur0c2vl7]: Thomas W. Baskin & Robert D. Enright, “Intervention Studies on Forgiveness: A Meta-Analysis” Journal of Counseling & Development (2004) 

[^e9fhjku7atn]: Nathaniel Wade, Everett Worthington, & Julia Meyer, “But Do They Work? A Meta-Analysis of Group Interventions to Promote Forgiveness” Handbook of Forgiveness (2005) 

[^rxhd59t0crj]: Nathaniel Wade, William Hoyt, Julia Kidwell, & Everett Worthington, “Efficacy of Psychotherapeutic Interventions to Promote Forgiveness: A Meta-Analysis” Journal of consulting and clinical psychology (2013) 

[^hacnnrsbzoi]: Shayla Love “Must you forget to forgive? A scientist tests the relationship” Psyche 9 January 2024 

[^m5yctdqripa]: Martin Luther King, Jr., “Love In Action” (~1963)