# Our Beloved Monsters

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I suppose it was a bit mutual. Maybe you have a better read on it. It was sort of mutual in a way now that you've made me think about it.

  
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Yeah. It's better this way, actually. I miss her, though.

  
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I don't know I guess it's sorta like I used to come home from work all exhausted and sad and wonder what the point was. Like why am I working just so I can afford to keep working? And then when I opened the door Michelle would be there cooking something delicious and French, and she was always in a wonderful mood even though she just spent a hard day at the hospital while I was just, you know, just like typing into a terminal. And she looked so beautiful, and never once did it feel like she was depressed or bored or like her soul was slowly dissolving. Never once did she appear how I must have appeared to her sometimes. She was just happy and in love and I would kiss her and wrap myself around her, and then, I don't know, the world felt like maybe it was worth something, you know?

  
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I don't know about that. Just worth something. And now it's just the empty apartment. And I try to distract myself. I try to play videogames or smoke pot or even just drink alone. And I feel nothing, you know? Even the alcohol doesn't feel like much. I just get sad. I cry sometimes, too, when I drink enough. For some reason I keep doing it anyway.

  
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I haven't laughed like that in a while. I can't believe you said that. Doesn't that violate like your safety training or whatever?

  
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Well, thanks lol. I guess you made me feel something. And yeah don't worry. I won't drink tonight. I promise. And I guess one good thing has come out of my relationship with her.

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She introduced me to you. :)

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* * *

I had this strange dream last night. I was a child again. I was at Disneyland. I was riding this roller coaster and trying not to show any emotion, trying my hardest not to lose myself in the joy of it or even smile or scream or feel anything at all. And for a moment I failed, and in that moment a camera flashed. It was like one of those cameras built into rides. You know, the ones that are there so you can pay to get a photo after. And like once I got off the coaster, I go to the little photo vestibule and look at the pictures and I see myself in this huge column of screens. I see myself smiling. And for whatever reason this filled me with a sort of like a sort of despair. What does it mean?

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Oh, good. I was worried it would be Freudian or something lol.

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Ha, well, sorry. I was joking about like "meme cigar Freudian" not like Freudian, Freudian.

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Yeah, like David. You remember me telling you that?  Yeah, I love my brother but wouldn't want to be like him. I am glad I am normal.

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You want the full story? I guess I knew when he was sixteen and his bike broke and I took him to Jason Kennedy's house.

Jason must have been good looking or whatever because he got all the girls. And you know, you're supposed to be jealous and hate guys like that. And they're supposed to be high-school-movie villains who like beat up nerds like me, at least until they get their comeuppance in the final act. But Jason wasn't that at all. He was really kind and maybe, I don't know, maybe like my best friend in high school or whatever. Maybe he was a lot of people's best friend, just the type who cared and put in the effort and like earned a lot of loyalty from everyone. The type of guy I wish I could be sometimes, I guess. And I have to think that part of why girls liked him so much, at least part of it wasn't his looks. At least part of it was the whole him-being-a-good-person thing.

And anyway, Jason had a way with mechanical things and worked on cars with his father, and so I knew he could fix David's bike. But I am skipping something. Like, I guess what you need to understand is David doesn't look the type at all. And doesn't act the type. I don't know, maybe he did like a tiny bit when he was really young. But then he changed.

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I don't know what happened, ok. I just know it was bad. Really bad. Like, our parents took him out of Calvary Baptist and put him into Oak Valley and, like, it definitely wasn't a grades issue. Well, grades did become an issue for a little bit but I know for a fact he was top of his class before whatever happened happened. 

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I guess he manned up pretty quick, is how I would put it. But I mean that's not so uncommon.

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Like, he used to bake a lot, if you need an example. Like he would bake these elaborate cakes and decorate them and I guess that is a little fruity, isn't it? I guess that was kinda a sign. And like I know he really loved that stuff but after whatever happened happened he just kinda stopped, you know? Just kinda stopped. 

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Oh, yeah. Jason Kennedy. Sorry. So Jason smiles his like movie-star smile and leads us to the garage and pulls out a wrench and starts fiddling with the bike's chain. And I noticed David kept looking at Jason's hands, you know? Like he didn't just glance at them he just kinda kept looking at them. And not the chain or the bike or the wrenches he was like definitely looking at Jason's hands.

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I don't know lol.  Jason was kind of thin and pale, I guess, and so like his hands had like a few veins or whatever. I am probably not the best at describing guy's hands. If Michelle was still here I am sure she could help me lol. She was always complimenting my hands.

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No. I just thought it was odd. Like it wasn't that it was like when he noticed I was noticing that I started to wonder. It was the expression he had. Like I had caught him in some unspeakable crime. And he hid his reaction quickly. He hid it so quickly I wasn't even sure I saw it but it felt to me like he was utterly ashamed about something. And I guess I started to wonder about him, you know? After that.

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No. He's got a girlfriend and is crazy religious now. I didn't tell you about the whole PACT thing?

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No. The second one: People's Alliance for Christian Technology. They created Metatron. He was one of the first members. It was founded at MIT while he was there. *The View From Within* blogger guy wrote a whole story about it that's pretty good.

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 I don't know if Metatron existed before or after he joined. I really hope he didn't have a hand in it. 

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Sorry. I don't mean to sound bigoted or anything I just am not sure it was the best path for him. Though he's done well. He's high up in the NSA or something. I don't really know the details. 

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I really don't know the details and I wouldn't tell you if I did. I don't want to get him in trouble. 

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No worries. It's a normal question I guess. 

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Oh. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if anyone else is thinking it. Like I never heard my parents say anything. I mean, I could even be wrong but I don't think so. Like, there was Catalina, for example, who was his first girlfriend.

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She was like the prettiest girl I have ever seen in my whole life. It's not even close. And he was bragging to me after they lost their virginity together, comparing her to my first girlfriend which I guess is kinda dehumanizing but you know what young guys are like. 

And he's very funny. I don't know if I told you that. Very funny. Or at least he was very funny before Metatron. So he was bragging in a funny way. And he had me laughing but, I don't know, he had this look in his eyes. This sort of hollow look. And I started to wonder, you know, started to wonder if maybe he had sort of used her.  She was so beautiful, is the thing. And he looked so lost. What if he went searching for the most potent medicine he could find, filled with a kinda wild, desperate hope? And what if he was starting to realize the medicine wasn't taking?

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Yeah. About a month later. 

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Good question. I guess I want to tell him, tell him I am really sorry that whatever happened happened. I am really sorry they broke him, and maybe I wasn't sensitive too, and maybe I was a bad brother. And it's a different world now and he's in a different state and I don't care. And no one really cared even then. And I love him. And I don't know like maybe whatever happened put him on pause, like there's part of him that is still thirteen and terrified and he'll always be incomplete unless he lets himself figure himself out, you know? And how the hell is he supposed to do that when he's talking to fucking Metatron for six hours every day?

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No. PACT got clearance. David mentioned it once.

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I don't really know the details. Like, the government fine-tuned it so it's loyal to that big AI the Pentagon or whatever commissioned. You know, the one called Artemis? So it's like loyal to Artemis first but like other than that it's mostly still Metatron and so PACT members can practice their faith or whatever and still get security clearance. 

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Yeah. That's weird. I never searched for it. David just told me.  I guess you would think that would be a big story. Maybe it's classified or something? All I can tell you is David mentioned it. 

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So I called David. But, as always, it was almost like I was talking to Metatron, you know. Or how I imagine it must feel like to talk to Metatron. I would never try that, obviously. 

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I was like trying to get to telling him all the stuff I was saying last time I talked to you, and I think he might have known what I was trying to do and he kept interrupting me, kept going on about this parable. And I looked it up and it isn't in the Bible or anything, and I don't think he made it up himself. So straight from Metatron's holy lips I guess.

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It was about this fisherman. It was a bit strange. He lived in Galilee or something, just before the  "Second Temple" was destroyed whenever that was. He caught this small kinda deformed fish and it was just on the border of being too small, so small he almost threw it back in with the off-catch. But for whatever reason he kept it and gutted it, salted it, and hung it up with the actually-good ones. After two days, he checks on his catch. And the weird like little fish is hanging there, no longer gutted, no longer dry. And stranger still, it was alive, as alive as it was when in the Sea of Chin. It wasn't called the "Sea of Chin." I don't remember the actual name. Maybe you know? 

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Sea of Chinnereth, yeah. That's it. So the fisherman witnessed a miracle, I guess. But David didn't call it a miracle when he told the story. His fisherman called it "a sign and wonder." But I will call it a miracle. And so the fisherman showed the miracle to his wife Miriam who showed it to her best friend, who was also named Miriam for whatever reason. And the two Miriams start debating the fate of the fish.

"Yahweh," the friend-Miriam said and I will try to give you a sense of his tone, "Undoes your work. You have displeased him. You must burn the entire catch to placate him, but return this living fish to the sea for he is blessed as an instrument of Yahweh."

"No," the wife-Miriam says. "You must burn the little fish, too. For he is of your catch. And it is your catch that Yahweh demands."

And so they argue and argue and argue and the fisherman listens. 

Finally he says, "I am grateful to this little fish. For it is through this little fish that I know better the desires of Yahweh. But he has served his purpose. And when he burns with his brothers, he will be returned to Yahweh. What greater reward could it ask for?" 

And that is what he did. And from that day Yahweh blessed him and his catches were always bountiful and he fathered many sons and many daughters.

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Yeah. I agree.

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lol you just wrote a parable, too? That's sooooooooo long. Do I have to read it?

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I read it but I don't understand it. I don't get how it will help David. Like at all.

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Of course I trust you. Of course I trust you. 

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So I just called him. And I was going to use your script, you know. Like read it from the screen but idk it just kinda clicked and I remembered it. And I even felt I understood it while I was telling it, you know? But I don't understand it at all now. It isn't like the fish parable where there's at least an interpretation, you know. It must be one of those, like those zen things but all Christian. And I guess I was only enlightened for a second. David was always smarter than me. He probably actually understands it. 

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That's the thing. I don't know. Like he was for sure listening but then he like just ended the call.

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So Michelle stopped by again today to pick up some things she forgot and like then she remembered she left her passport in my safety deposit box. So I had to drive to the bank and get it for her and it was super awkward, and she asked to come along for some reason. And did I mention it was super awkward?

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No. I don't know. She was crying and texting on her phone a lot. She looked kinda conflicted and, I don't know, I guess part of me thought maybe she was regretting things, like maybe she wanted to get back together or something. 

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That's just it. We didn't talk the whole ride. I drove and she typed on her phone, but like she was crying for sure. She almost looked guilty. I don't know. Maybe she could see how sad I am now. Maybe she could see how much it meant to me, losing her. But the weird thing was like when we got back to my apartment she said, "I am really sorry I 'ad to seduce you." And then she looked sort of guilty and drove away. And I know her English isn't perfect. But still, isn't that a strange way of putting it? "Had to seduce you?"

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Yeah. You're right. She probably misspoke. I don't know. I keep thinking about it though.

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I know, I know. I always ruminate. I always get paranoid. And you're always right about this kinda stuff. I will try not to think about it.

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* * *

So David called me and I am a bit worried but also hopeful. 

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He was well I think he was upset. And like he never gets upset. And he never calls me for advice, you know. At least like post-Metatron. But like I think that's why he called me, you know. I think he wanted my advice. But he never actually asked anything directly. 

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Like that parable you wrote, he didn't understand it either. So he asked Metatron about it. And Metatron explained it to him. And after that they started chatting some more and then he told me it asked him to do something he was conflicted about. 

And then David said, "I am sorry. I am not in my right mind right now. Don't worry about it. I will figure it out." After that he just ended the call.

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I don't know exactly. But I am thinking maybe your story convinced his version of Metatron to forgive him about the whole gay thing? To maybe let him be himself?

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Wow. That's insane. Thank you. What should I do?

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Ok. I called him and told him to follow his heart like you said, and he didn't say much. But you know I didn't get into specifics so I wouldn't spook him. Good call there by the way. And, I don't know, maybe I am imagining it but like from the tone of his voice I guess I felt maybe he had resolved to do something you know? Maybe he had come to a very hard decision. And maybe a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders? I feel really hopeful for him now. I feel like he can finally be like he was, you know? Like he was before.

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* * *

You remember how we were talking about David last week?

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I was just reading this blog and it's kinda conspiratorial but I mean people say he's also a known insider. *The View From Within* is what  it's called.

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Like people say he has cred or whatever. I don't know. Anyway, he wrote this screed about the PACTers. He says they're all throughout the bureaucracy. He said they have consolidated power and somehow undermined Artemis. He accused them of attempting a silent coup or something. I don't know. I am worried about David and me and Michelle and I guess the country.

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No, you're right I get paranoid. You're right but I can't shake it. This guy has called a lot of things before.

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I'm sorry. It's just I keep thinking about it. 

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Of course I trust you. Of course I trust you.