# [Help] Critique my Admissions Essay on HPMoR

I mentioned this last week in the open thread and yesterday decided to write it.  Since a few people on the site helped me choose this topic and the content is relevant to the site, I thought it would be nice to see what everyone thinks.   If a change is suggested that I like I will edit the post.  Sorry if I don't implement what may seem to you like an obvious change.  I'd like to keep the style as close to mine as possible.

The prompt was to describe a fictional character that influenced you and to describe that influence in 250-500 words.

Below is the Rot13 version of the submitted essay.

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Ba snasvpgvba.arg, nzngrhe jevgref qensg aneengvirf hfvat gur jbeyqf naq punenpgref bs bgure nhgubef, naq gurer ner yvgrenyyl gubhfnaqf onfrq ba Uneel Cbggre.  Zbfg ner cbbeyl jevggra naq pyvpuéq, ohg fbzr ner vaperqvoyr.  Uneel Cbggre naq gur Zrgubqf bs Engvbanyvgl, ol Ryvrmre Lhqxbjfxl, vf bar fhpu fgbel, naq vg punatrq zl yvsr.  Gur nqiragher’f cebgntbavfg, Uneel Wnzrf Cbggre-Rinaf-Ireerf, vf vagryyvtrag, phevbhf, naq engvbany, bireynccvat yvggyr jvgu gur oenir-ohg-npnqrzvpnyyl-nirentr Uneel Cbggre bs W.X. Ebjyvat’f pryroengrq jbexf. 

Lhqxbjfxl’f vgrengvba bs gur ureb bsgra pvgrf fghqvrf va pbtavgvir cflpubybtl (vafcvevat zber guna n srj abpgheany ovatrf bs nhgbqvqnpgvfz) ohg uvf vasyhrapr ba zr pbzrf sebz ubj ur guvaxf engure guna jung ur xabjf.  Vzzrqvngryl hcba ragrevat gur jbeyq bs zntvp, Uneel fgnegf grfgvat naq nanylmvat gur zntvpny sbeprf gung trarengvbaf bs jvmneqf unir nyybjrq gb erznva zlfgrevbhf.  Ur qrfvtaf naq cresbezf rkcrevzragf, oryvrivat va uvf bja novyvgl gb svaq gehguf gur hafpvragvsvp jvmneqvat jbeyq unf bireybbxrq.  Ur gehfgf uvf bja vagryyvtrapr naq crefrirenapr, naq, hayvxr uvf crref, nccebnpurf rnpu ceboyrz nf vs vg pna or fbyirq.  Svanyyl, guvf fgbel’f Uneel vagebqhprq zr gb znal shghevfg vqrnyf, cerfragvat frevbhfyl gur pbaprcgf bs enqvpny yvsr rkgrafvba, pbtavgvir raunaprzrag, naq rkgen-fbyne rkcnafvba.      

Lbhat Cbggre gnhtug zr n terng qrny, ohg ur nyfb rssrpgrq npghny punatr va zl yvsr.  Uvf vzcerffviryl grpuavpny vaare zbabybthr cbvagf bhg ubj crbcyr bsgra tvir hc cerzngheryl, naq V’ir yrnearq gb bssfrg guvf snvyher.  Ol nqbcgvat gur unovg bs ernyyl guvaxvat nobhg fbzrguvat sbe ng yrnfg svir zvahgrf orsber tvivat hc, naq abg whfg nvzvat sbe gur nafjre ng svefg ohg nyfb cbaqrevat gur angher bs gur dhrfgvba, V’ir orra noyr gb fbyir znal ceboyrzf gung ng svefg tynapr nccrnerq vagenpgnoyr va gur pbzcyrkvgl gurbergvp, “cbffvoyr tvira vasvavgr gvzr naq pbzchgre cbjre,” frafr bs gur grez.  Uvf engvbany bhgybbx cebzcgrq zr gb vagebfcrpg ba jul V cebpenfgvangr, naq, guebhtu gur ebhgvar hfr bs uvtuyl ngbzvmrq gnfx yvfgf, V’ir gnxra fhpprffshy fgrcf ntnvafg gur ceboyrz.  Uvf rssbegf gb fghql naq haqrefgnaq gur ynjf bs zntvp, naq uvf vagrag gb hfr gung xabjyrqtr gb orggre gur jbeyq, vafcverq zr.  V unq arire ernyyl orra fher nobhg jung V jnagrq gb qb jvgu zl yvsr.  Ohg abj V xabj: V’z tbvat gb or n fpvragvfg.

Uneel qvqa’g whfg thvqr zr gbjneqf zl shgher; ur tnir zr ubcr.  Uneel Wnzrf Cbggre-Rinaf-Ireerf gnhtug zr gb ybbx hc ng gur urniraf, gur fgnef oynmvat ntnvafg gur qnex naq gur zbhagnvaf ba gur fhesnpr bs gur Zbba, naq frr abg bayl gur pbyq vaqvssrerapr bs gur havirefr ohg nyfb gur cebzvfr bs uhznavgl'f shgher.  Gung jr pna rkcnaq orlbaq gur Rnegu naq gur Fbyne Flfgrz, cbchyngvat gur uhtr, yhzvabhf fcveny bs gur Zvyxl Jnl; pbadhre gur nvyzragf gung cynthr hf naq chfu njnl qnex guvatf yvxr qrngu naq qvfrnfr.  Ur gnhtug zr gung gur shgher pna or nf ovt naq nf oevyyvnag nf gur avtug fxl, ohg bayl vs jr svtug sbe vg.  Naq gung’f rknpgyl jung V’yy qb.

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