# Generalized Coming Out Of The Closet

You know how most people, probably including you, have stuff about themselves which they keep hidden from the world, because they worry that others would respond negatively to it? I think there’s a lot of alpha in sharing that stuff publicly, online. Just baring your soul to the world. It’s like a much more general version of coming out of the closet.

Obviously there are caveats, but I think the caveats mostly boil down to “there are some skills involved in generalized coming out of the closet to make it be well received”, as opposed to “society just reflexively attacks people who reveal certain things”. This post is mostly about my current best guesses at the relevant skills.

And lest you think this is *just* armchair speculation… I have put my metaphorical money where my mouth is. I’ve been actively aiming to generalized-come-out-of-the-closet more over the past half year or so. For me, the most significant of those efforts was [My Empathy Is Rarely Kind ](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/xPrL2xF9iYWpPmu6B/my-empathy-is-rarely-kind)and its [Follow-up](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/KJh2xckmCNAggisuq/follow-up-to-my-empathy-is-rarely-kind) a couple weeks ago. That was the last big thing I have generally kept hidden from the world, because I feared people reacting negatively to it. And with it out in the open, I’m done; I have no other major things left about myself which I keep hidden for fear of negative response. (Yes, including my sexual kinks. I haven’t actually considered them that emotionally sensitive for me for a long time, but I specifically made a point of [sharing them](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/ntELqTE47jyHPnH84/a-self-dialogue-on-the-value-proposition-of-romantic?commentId=BMPifcSrezh5cjzE9) in order to set the stage for this post.) Other notable examples from me include [a thread](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/puv8fRDCH9jx5yhbX/johnswentworth-s-shortform?commentId=Cdrho8X6xuTqre5PK) on relationships which lots of people hated (which eventually led to [The Value Proposition of Romantic Relationships](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/L2GR6TsB9QDqMhWs7/the-value-proposition-of-romantic-relationships) and its [follow-up](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/ntELqTE47jyHPnH84/a-self-dialogue-on-the-value-proposition-of-romantic)), and [The Field of AI Alignment: A Postmortem](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/nwpyhyagpPYDn4dAW/the-field-of-ai-alignment-a-postmortem-and-what-to-do-about).

Value Prop
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From the perspective of someone coming out of the closet - whether in the original sense or the generalized sense - the immediate potential upside is to feel seen, validated, not-disliked, and more safe and close with one’s community. The immediate potential downside is that people react negatively, and then one feels the opposite of all those nice things.

Insofar as generalized coming out of the closet in a way which will be well received is a skill, I think the first and most important piece of the skill is to *set aside that value proposition*. The number one thing you need to do in order to be well received is to provide value *to the audience*. And “please like me guys” generally isn’t much of a value prop to a broad public audience. That’s how you get cringe.

(“Please like me guys” *can* sometimes be a decent value prop to a narrower audience. If you’re generalized-coming-out to people who themselves already feel emotionally close to you, then making you feel seen and validated and so forth is probably something which they themselves will feel good about. If you’re coming out to a community whose whole schtick is bonding over the thing you’re coming out about, like e.g. revealing that you’re gay to an LGBT group of some sort, then again that’s probably a fine value prop. People will bond over it. But that is not how it normally works when baring one’s soul to the broader public.)

Fortunately, there is usually plenty of other value one can provide to the audience, by baring one’s soul. Some examples:

*   “Here’s a part of my experience which many people will find surprising.” The value prop to the audience is to learn something.
*   “Here’s a part of my experience which I think lots of other people share, but aren’t willing to talk about.” The value prop to the audience is to either feel seen (if they share the experience), or update their models of other people (if they don’t).
*   “Here’s an engaging story about my experience.” The value prop to the audience is just enjoying an engaging story. This one is especially loaded on storytelling/writing skill, and will help a lot even if your main value prop is something else.
*   “Here’s something I’m confused/curious about, please inform me.” Someone in the audience will appreciate the opportunity to help someone, and other people who are also secretly confused/ignorant about the thing will also get value. ([Example](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/puv8fRDCH9jx5yhbX/johnswentworth-s-shortform?commentId=CPaAHMDgJAJCeHbiL), [example](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/gosGW6oBf3fzDHPbd/dating-roundup-5-opening-day?commentId=nB6ExpBYsMQm3J6FJ).)
*   “Here’s something I think a lot of people would like to talk about or ask questions about, but which is embarrassing to bring up.” The value prop to the audience is to provide a space, and open up oneself in order to get the discussion started.

For example, the central framing of my original empathy post was “People seem to think that empathy necessarily leads to sympathy, gentleness, compassion, etc. But that is not my experience.”. (... and in hindsight, I think I was partially wrong; I wasn’t using the word “empathy” the way people usually do. But I at least intended a value prop which was very much not “please like me guys”.)

To make this work properly, I think you need to actually gut-level let the (intended) audience’s value prop drive. Like, when writing that empathy post, I wasn’t thinking “please like me guys” or anything like that. Heck, I expected the reception to be relatively negative compared to most of my posts, and that was indeed the case! Don’t go into this as a way to heal insecurity. Go into this as a way to provide value for other people.

There’s likely to be value to provide other people precisely because, whatever your thing is, it’s a thing which people normally don’t talk about.

Audience Choice and Bracing Yourself
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Even when posting in public, you have some ability to choose your audience. I would suggest, for example, that LessWrong is usually a better place to bare your soul than the comment section on youtube, let alone 4chan.

I actually expect that the value prop considerations are probably pretty similar across online communities. You probably want to adjust presentation details somewhat to match the audience, but the high level plan is probably mostly the same. Where communities likely differ a lot is in the proportion of negative responses you’re likely to receive.

There will probably be at least some negative responses. (If not, then you were *incredibly* miscalibrated in your nervousness at sharing this thing with the world! I hereby provide that as a fallback negative response, in case you find yourself with only positive responses.) If you won’t be able to handle *any* negative responses, then don’t publish.

But on the other hand, if you’ve framed the thing around a solid value prop for a sensibly chosen audience, the negativity will probably be limited. If e.g. you provide an engaging story about your experience, and someone comes along like “wow you’re a loser”, then, well, they probably come off as The Asshole, and you probably come off as sympathetic. People will likely still respond negatively in more muted ways, like e.g. suggesting that you are perhaps a loser but they’re trying to be kind and constructive about it. Such is the cost of alpha. If you can handle that, and have the skills to provide value to an audience, maybe give it a shot.