# Lightness and Unease

Light
=====

Month 1
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January < refresh to render LaTeX > is the day I finished reading _Superintelligence_, and that’s the day my life felt like it entered protagonist mode. I tore through ten books over the next week and a half, from _The Art of Strategy_ to _Thinking: Fast and Slow_. I proceeded to finish the considerable remainder of the Sequences I’d left unread. It wasn’t fear that fueled me – it was a sweet blend of curiosity and protectiveness, about and for this cruel and beautiful world in which we live. It was a sense of the possibilities afforded to those lucky enough to live in what Scott Alexander dubbed the _carefree springtime of the universe_. It was a rekindling of my youthful inquisitiveness, when I’d spend afternoons lost in math books, coding a C++ text RPG, or caring for a caterpillar over its evolution, just to set it free.

Month 2
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I applied for the upcoming CFAR workshop and was later accepted (the interview was the first time where I heard another person say things like "updating"). I continued my non-technical reading, [summarized a technical alignment result](https://www.lesserwrong.com/posts/KXMqckn9avvY4Zo9W/walkthrough-of-formalizing-convergent-instrumental-goals), and [reviewed _Naïve Set Theory_](https://www.lesserwrong.com/posts/WPtdQ3JnoRSci87Dz/set-up-for-success-insights-from-naive-set-theory). The concepts in that small set theory book expanded my mathematical horizons beyond measure (okay, I haven’t studied measure theory yet, so not _quite_ beyond measure). This is also when things really _clicked_ for me – I started [generating novel insights](https://www.lesserwrong.com/posts/argvWNNHZAz2MeM8C/how-to-dissolve-it) regularly. Finally, I decided to [try for 5 minutes](https://www.readthesequences.com/UseTheTryHarderLuke) before giving up on my [CHAI application](http://humancompatible.ai/jobs); this led to an idea of which I am truly proud.

I do not yet know whether I will be accepted for CHAI’s internship, but the idea merits two posts of its own: one for the proposal itself, and one for the wonderful emotional and psychological process of discovery I experienced.

Month 3
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I find myself eagerly reading chapters and completing problem sets from _AI: A Modern Approach_, well beyond what is required for my class. I’m writing more often, learning more deeply, and generally my hedonic index is through the roof relative to last fall. I know I’ve given the impression of having let up over the last month, but I really haven’t – there are multiple projects of mine whose fruits I look forward to sharing.

Forwards
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I’ve noticed that I go through phases of intense interest in activities, commitments, and games – this shift tended to occur multiple times per year, but has slowed as I’ve matured. I don’t expect that to happen here. I sure hope it doesn’t – I’m not ready to relinquish this wonderful lightness, this eagerness to explore how the world _really_ works on a gears level, this internal sense of purpose.

This lightness does not appear to be conditional on future acceptance or recognition – even when imagining a world in which I know with certainty that no AI safety research group brings me into their fold, the light and curiosity remain.

I am so very grateful that I found this community.

Decision
========

I remember the moment that was, in hindsight, a litmus test of my readiness. I was finishing the Sequences, and the reality of the “dark world” pressed down on me. My chest felt tight and pressed down upon, and gravity seemed so much _stronger_ than usual; the problems were **large**, and I felt small. Would this become an obsession that would consume my psyche and my studies? Where did I leave my hero license? Who was I to make this kind of status claim, to believe that I could make progress on problems of such importance?

I came to [Beyond the Reach of God](https://www.lesserwrong.com/posts/sYgv4eYH82JEsTD34/beyond-the-reach-of-god) and I knew I had to decide. Someone close to me had advised me to step back, to remain in the shallows for a while longer – where I was tall enough to stand. I, however, was privy to information which they were not.

Trout can swim.

Gnawing Shadows
===============

I can sense a mix of reasonable dissatisfaction with my performance, and [psychologically unrealistic](http://mindingourway.com/not-yet-gods/) expectations. I’ve taken far longer than I wished on my AI book; if only I were less vulnerable to [pica](http://lesswrong.com/lw/15w/experiential_pica/), if I studied an extra hour each day, if the concepts had come to me more easily… I imagine worlds in which I did better and had also made substantial progress in, say, topology or linear algebra by this point in time.

I’ve come so far, but I also am quite aware of [the countless levels above mine](https://www.readthesequences.com/TheLevelAboveMine). Sometimes it weighs on me, but usually I view the task before me with twisted pleasure.