# Chore Standards

A common source of friction within couples or between housemates is differing quality standards. Perhaps I hate the feeling of grit under my feet but my housemate who is responsible for sweeping doesn't mind it so much. If you do chores when you notice they need doing and stop when they seem done, this works poorly: the more fastidious get frustrated, and often stew in silence or nag. Even if it's talked about kindly and openly, doing a chore before it bothers you is harder and less satisfying.

When people set out to divide chores they're usually weighing duration and discomfort. These matter, but I think people should put more weight on the standards each person has, and generally try to give tasks to the person with the highest standards in that area.

[![](https://www.jefftk.com/very-full-recycling.jpg)](https://www.jefftk.com/very-full-recycling-big.jpg)

If you divide everything this way, though, it will probably be pretty unfair: preferences are correlated, where someone who notices dirt on the floor probably also notices crumbs on the counter and that the recycling is overflowing. Some options:

*   Do chores on a schedule. We host a [monthly event](https://www.eaboston.org/) at our house, and there are things I clean as part of setting up. It doesn't matter whether the bathroom mirror looks dirty to me, I'll clean it because it's on my list. (But Julia will probably also clean it a few times over the course of the month.)
    
*   Bring your needs closer together. If one member of the couple does the laundry but the other always runs out of socks first, they could switch who does the laundry, or they could just buy more socks.
    
*   Decouple your needs. That same couple could instead switch to each doing their own laundry. Now if one person doesn't do it for a long time it doesn't impact the other.
    
*   Make the need more salient. If one person isn't noticing that something needs doing, you can address that directly. Empty the trash, but instead of taking it out you put it by the door they walk through to go to work. Accumulate dirty dishes on the counter (visible) and not in the sink (hidden). If you just start unilaterally increasing salience that's passive aggressive and probably doesn't go well, but if it comes out of an open-ended "what are some strategies we could use to make our chore division more fair" I expect that's positive.
    
*   Lower your standards. I know a few people who internalized a high cleanliness target as children, and benefited as adults from deciding to focus less on it. Often when becoming a parent: higher demands on time, letting high standards slip, realizing that actually it's not a problem. I could also imagine a sloppier person intentionally raising their standards, but that seems a lot harder, or else it's just something people around me have been less likely to talk about.
    
*   Hire someone. If one person cares a lot about having clean floors and the other person doesn't, neither of them enjoys mopping, and they have some money, they can apply (3) to solve (1) without running into issues with (2). I know couples and group houses who decided to pay for a cleaner to come every week or two, and found it massively reduced conflict. Automation (dishwasher, floor-cleaning robot) can work well here too.
    

This is an area where Julia and I used to have a substantial amount of conflict, and while things aren't perfect here I do think they're a lot better in part due to applying several of the above.

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