# Finding Yourself in Others

_"The person is an identity that emerges through relationship.... If we isolate the 'I' from the 'thou' we lose not only its otherness but also its very being; it simply cannot be without the other."_ -- John Zizioulas, Communion and Otherness

---

It is the third week of Anna's freshman year of high school.

Today, like many days, she's filled with anxiety about her place in the world. The anxiety is a sharp, piercing feeling in her chest, like she is a sphere spinning on the point of a cone. Twenty years from now, her remembering self will look back on these feelings as part of the precious journey of discovering herself; but right now, her experiencing self mostly just feels like shit.

Lunch is ending soon. She's about to get up. But she notices a notebook accidentally fall from a fellow student's backpack, as the other student hurriedly walks by. Anna almost raises her voice to alert the other girl -- but the notebook has flopped open on the floor, and Anna notices her own name, ANNA H, in big block letters inside the other girl's notebook.

What?

Curiosity gets the better of her. She picks it up, and she starts reading. Just a little won't hurt, right?

> I believe there is approximately a 80% chance that Anna H, Sarah R, and Ignatius C are planning to ruin my life at high school.
>
> These are my notes on the matter, which will explain (1) why they are acting together, (2) why it is to their advantage to ruin me, and (3) my vulnerable points, for which I must determine a plan of defense.

Anna is astounded.

She cannot recall the name of the student whose notebook she is reading. But she cannot stop reading _now_, obviously.

> These three are obviously going to act in a coordinated fashion.
>
> I have seen them at lunch together four times already. I have determined that they share many interests: _The Amazing Digital Circus_, medieval history, and the show _Dark_ are among them. Furthermore, they live within five blocks of each other, which will make it easy for them to coordinate. [...]

The material on why they will ally continues for some time.

It remains bizarre, but also somewhat grounded in reality rather than merely insane. Anna knew that Sarah was interested in _The Amazing Digital Circus_ and _Dark_ -- so apparently this other student has identified _some_ things accurately, despite her paranoia. But Anna didn't know that Ignatius was also interested in these things. Maybe Ignatius actually does like them! That would be... nice.

Ignatius seemed -- ok? -- when Anna talked with him, but it wasn't like she actually had a crush on him or something. Of course. They've had some good conversations, though, and she wonders if what he sees in _Dark_ is the same as what she sees in it. And if Ignatius lives close to Anna, maybe it would make sense to spend more time with him? That could be fun. Probably it's best to have Sarah over at the same time, just to keep things chill.

Anna keeps reading.

> The reasons they would try to ruin my life are several. I don't believe that they are -- yet -- motivated by hatred for me, but it would be advantageous to Anna, Sarah, and Ignatius to ruin my life for several reasons:
>
> - Anna is one of the smarter students, and we will be competing to be valedictorian.
> - Both Anna and I like Ignatius, and he can only be with one of us.
> - Competition for popularity in school is a zero-sum game, and I am vulnerable for several reasons.
> - [...]

A half-dozen more reasons follow.

Would it... make sense... for Anna to try to hurt this other person? Would that be in her interests? The question is new to her.

She has barely even thought about being valedictorian. But -- well, it is _true_ that only one person can be valedictorian. And that would be a nice thing to be; it would be cool to be able to tell people that... at college, probably? And some of the other reasons to "ruin" this other person also seem -- well, Anna thinks, not all of them are _totally_ nuts.

Reading the document feels confusing, almost trance-like. Anna has never before read _anything_ about herself with this much detail. She's read desultory teachers' notes; polite letters from grandparents; supposed personality types from online quizzes. But this other student is interested in her in a way no one else ever has been interested before.

She skips down a page, reads another section header:

> I am vulnerable to several forms of attack: social, academic, and even physical.
>
> (1) Forms of social attack could hinge on the following vulnerabilities. (To-do: categorize these more rigorously.)
>
> - My acne remains difficult to eliminate, and could be turned to mockery.
> - I have noticed I sometimes trip over my words in Mr. Abelson's class; I may have a slight crush on him, which could be used as a lever against me to great effect.
> - I have a large mole on my left shoulder, whose existence I have heretofore kept hidden.

Lists like these continue for _pages_. Anna crushes down the slight feeling of discomfort of seeing all of this stranger's thoughts, laid out before her like speared butterflies. She _must_ know what is going on here.

There are detailed, carefully-thought-out lists of vulnerabilities that Anna could take advantage of -- if she wanted to. Section headers and sub-section headers, considering methods Anna could use, countermeasures to those methods, and counter-countermeasures Anna could use to combat them. Long hypothetical asides on ways Anna _might_ humiliate this person, depending on the knowledge and advantages that Anna may or may not have, that the author did not know about but wanted to mention regardless.

The book contains long and carefully thought-out reasons for Anna, Sarah, and Ignatius to consider themselves allies; long and carefully thought-out reasons it would be to their advantage to injure her; and long and carefully thought-out means by which they could injure her.

Anna looks up from the notebook, feeling a little disoriented. And notices that the other student has returned to the cafeteria, and is scanning the floor, seeking something. Seeking the notebook. Anna quickly shoves it beneath her own books.

The other student keeps running her eyes over the floor carefully, but doesn't seem to have found what she was searching for. She looks up, and notices Anna looking at her. An expression crosses her face -- will she ask Anna a question?

They stare at each other.

But the moment passes, and the girl turns away.

For a moment Anna feels turmoil in her stomach, an uncertainty about what feelings she is actually experiencing. She swims in an internal sea, seeking the right word. But then what feels like enlightenment snaps into focus: _Oh God, this girl really is a coward. How contemptible._

She is going to show Sarah and Ignatius the notebook. Of course she would -- they deserve to know, they're in it, aren't they? How could she do anything else?

Tonight is going to be a really fantastic night.

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