# Set the Line Before It's Crossed

Lines Will Move Further Away If They Aren’t Defined
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Three types of lines exist in the policy and behavior sense:

*   Soft: These are okay to cross, but not preferable. There may or may not be a tangible action taken afterwards, but the person whose line was crossed should take note.
*   Firm: These are somewhere between soft and hard lines and should result in some tangible action being taken that is less drastic than the hard line.
*   Hard: These are not okay to cross and (should) result in some tangible action being taken that is more drastic than the firm line.

Most lines are rarely set and rarely thought about in detail. Most line setters use the good ol’ [“I know it when I see it”](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_know_it_when_I_see_it) test, waiting for something to happen before they decide what to do. This is a poor practice because of the pernicious force known as [normalization of deviance](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Normalization_of_deviance).

When lines aren’t set before they’re crossed, it forces a decision to be made at the time of crossing (if it can even be recognized that something was crossed!), during which many things can happen:

*   The line setter convinces themselves that the line wasn’t really crossed and everything is fine. This will land the setter in not-so-nice territory if this occurs enough times because the line effectively moves back each time.
*   *   Ex: Ruben, Lou’s boyfriend, playfully pinches her, then playfully punches her, then seriously pinches her, then seriously punches her, and so on. Each time she convinces herself that her domestic abuse line wasn’t crossed, ultimately leading to her getting full-on abused.
*   The line setter acknowledges the line was crossed, but because taking action is uncomfortable at the time of crossing, vows to wait until it happens a second time because the first time may have been a one-off. This increases the likelihood they give a third chance to the offense when/if they apply the same thought process to the second.
*   *   Ex: Diane blatantly lies and talks about Joe both behind his back and to his face. Joe explains away the behavior as Diane having a stressful time and continues being “friends”. Diane continues the behavior while Joe accepts and normalizes it as Diane’s personality. Joe’s self-esteem decreases as he continues to spend time with Diane.
*   The line setter acknowledges the line was crossed, but convinces themselves that the line really should’ve been just a teeny bit further when they originally set it.
*   *   Ex: Harlan’s original salary threshold for taking the [Giving What We Can](https://www.givingwhatwecan.org/) pledge was $100k/year, but now that he’s reached it, it feels a bit low. After all, he deserves to treat himself a bit more for all the hard work he put himself through to get to the coveted six-figure salary. Plus, he may have a baby in the next few years! And everyone knows how expensive babies are! Harlan resets his salary goal at $120k, which will be plenty when the time comes.

By setting a line and its corresponding action early, the action becomes the default until proven otherwise. This is similar to [trigger-action plans](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/wJutA2czyFg6HbYoW/what-are-trigger-action-plans-taps).

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How to Set a Line
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Here’s the general process of setting a line:

1.  Figure out the general line. Whether it’s domestic abuse, talking smack, donating money, or rights being restricted or outright revoked, it must be defined.
2.  Define the criteria for both the soft, firm, and/or hard versions, but especially the hard. The soft line being crossed serves as a forewarning to the hard line being crossed, giving ample preparation time for if the hard line is eventually crossed. The criteria must be well-defined with little room for interpretation.
3.  Decide how many times each can be crossed before the action is taken. It’s fine to give someone a stern reminder that they crossed the line in case they forgot, weren’t aware of the line, weren’t aware that it was soft/firm/hard, etc. It’s not fine for it to happen more than the set number allows, especially if previous actions were taken.
4.  Define the actions for each line. This can also be done in conjunction with deciding the number of times it can be violated, since more drastic actions should have fewer subsequent violations and thus a lower number of allowable violations.
5.  Define what circumstances would have to be present for the action *not* to be taken. What evidence would it take to show that the hard line was crossed, but the action shouldn’t be taken? (This is a bit contradictory to how hard line is defined above, but the hard line action is simply the default, not a blind requirement that must be executed. Setters should double-check they didn’t miss something before taking the default action.)
6.  Communicate the lines and actions to people who either may be at risk of crossing them or will help with maintaining accountability of executing said actions.
7.  Prepare for taking the action when/if the time comes. Preparation may be mental, physical, or environmental.

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Ensuring Accountability
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The line means nothing—and in reality, is likely a large cost—if the action is never performed when it should be. Assuming the fourth and fifth steps are done honestly and comprehensively, it should be clear what decision needs to be made when the line is crossed.

Thus, an accountability method must be put in place to enforce the action being taken.

A few ideas that all rely on the honor system to some extent:

*   Require a cost greater than that of said action be paid. If the action costs $10, make the cost of not doing the action $20.
*   Publicly or privately announce the lines and ask a trusted person to be your accountability partner. They know your lines and make sure you follow through on the actions, else a cost will be incurred (see previous idea).
*   Automate the action. For example, write a script that looks to see if the friend who borrowed money ever paid it back by a certain date. If current\_date > deadline\_date & money_repaid = false, then send an automated email unfriending them.

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Line Examples
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Here are some hard line ideas and associated actions (in no particular order; assume the case is straightforward with no nuance):

### Government Overreach

*   Soft line: A government violates a law with the expectation that the lengthy legal process will allow them to reap the benefits before a ruling is made
*   Soft line action(s): Protest
*   Hard line: A government blatantly violates a constitutional amendment or refuses to comply with a court order
*   Hard line action(s): Apply for a visa or similar in another country

### Relationships

*   Hard line: Romantic partner commits adultery
*   Hard line action(s): Break up/divorce
*   Hard line: A friend doesn’t repay an $X loan
*   Hard line action(s): Stop being friends with said person
*   Soft line: A friend makes disparaging comments about you, but claims it’s “just a joke”
*   Soft line action(s): Tell them to not do that again, but continue being friends with them

### Workplace

*   Firm line: Boss makes an immoral or illegal request, but doesn’t retaliate when it’s refused
*   Firm line action(s): Submit a whistleblower complaint; submit an ethics violation with the company; begin a new job search; resign
*   Hard line: Annual raise is 0%
*   Hard line action(s): Begin a new job search
*   Hard line: $Xk/year annual liquid compensation
*   Hard line action(s): Donate X% to charity
*   Soft/firm/hard line: Achieve $X net worth
*   Action(s):
*   *   Retire
    *   Say [fuck you](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/fuck_you_money) to your terrible boss
    *   Start looking for a new job that pays less, but is better otherwise (stress, hours, culture)

### Health

*   Soft line: Weight above X
*   Soft line action(s): Begin weight loss actions (eating less, exercising more)
*   Hard line: Heart attack or stroke
*   Action(s):
*   *   Change health-related habits (diet, exercise, stress)
    *   Start a medication
    *   Retire
    *   Start looking for a new job that is less stressful