# Smartphone Etiquette: Suggestions for Social Interactions

If anyone stopped and asked themselves if they enjoy the current smartphone social etiquette—whereby you could be opening up your soul to a friend in a moment of vulnerability, when suddenly, they feel a buzz and reflexively check their phone to discover an important & urgent message from the McDonald’s app that *The McRib is back!*—they would probably shake their heads knowing how close to home a situation like this hits.

Every time one of these moments of disconnection happen, a small part of me—the part craving real connection—dies. But it doesn’t have to be this way. I’ve managed to improve my social interactions due to:

1.  Internalizing the emotional impact of checking my phone,
2.  Recognizing how it affects my capacity to think clearly, 
3.  Understanding group interactions are better without distractions, and
4.  Creating [suggestions](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/aPCKiEd2G8H3kkdnN/the-dark-arts-preamble) to remove phones from social situations (as doing so is in everyone’s best interest).  
     

**(1) The emotional impact of disconnection**
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I don’t blame individuals for lacking the restraint to not check their phones in social contexts. Why? Because there’s thousands of engineers whose full-time job it is to make our technology as ~~addicting~~ “engaging” as possible. As researcher Dr. Anna Lembke notes in her book *Dopamine Nation*:

> We’re living in a time of [unprecedented access](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/AZCpu3BrCFWuAENEd/notifications-received-in-30-minutes-of-class) to high-dopamine stimuli. The smartphone is the modern-day hypodermic needle, delivering digital dopamine 24/7. As such, we’ve all become vulnerable to compulsive overconsumption.

Author Nir Eyal wrote *the *book on how to ~~addict~~ “increase engagement” in users called *Hooked: How to Build Habit-Forming Products*. So it’s with a combination of sadistic glee and pity when I read about one of Nir’s moments of disconnection with his young daughter[^nt7o2m2b6uo]:

> \[Nir was reading a book with his daughter. As she was contemplating a question he asked her, he received a text\] and “I started looking at my phone, as opposed to being fully present with her.” When he looked up, she was gone. A childhood is made up of small moments of connection between a child and their parent. If you miss them, you don’t ever get them back. Nir realized with a lurch: “She got the message that whatever was on my phone was more important than she was.”

**(2) “Smart” phones are making you dumber**
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The evidence on task switching does not look good for people who frequently check their phones. In *Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention*, author Johann Hari reveals that:

> Getting emails and texts…caused a drop in a \[person’s\] IQ by 10 points. That’s twice the knock to your IQ you get when you smoke cannabis.

It also takes on average [25 minutes](https://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/05/opinion/sunday/a-focus-on-distraction.html) to resume focus after being distracted.

When I’m speaking with a friend and they check their work email on their phone, their brain is now multitasking between work and me. I’m left speaking with a dumber version of my friend.

**(3) Group events without phones are rated as more satisfying**
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This [study](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/02/180226122506.htm#:~:text=Researchers%20looking%20at%20the%20effect,than%20those%20who%20did%20not.) asked more than “300 people to go to dinner with friends and family at a restaurant. Participants were randomly assigned to either keep their phones on the table or to put their phones away during the meal. After the meal, they were asked a variety of questions, including how much they enjoyed the experience.”

In a not-so-shocking turn of events, “people who used their devices while out for dinner…enjoyed themselves less than those who did not.” 

**(4) Suggestions for social interactions**
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Over the years, I’ve honed my craft at influencing people to remove phones from social situations, when possible[^gdqrc7qzrqv], which leaves everyone better off.

Funnily enough, I was inspired to challenge existing phone norms by Nir Eyal. Perhaps out of guilt for having written his first book, *Hooked*, he wrote a sequel called *Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life*. In it, he promotes a non-combative way to suggest a friend to stop using their phone.

> To help keep things cordial, ask “I see you’re on your phone. Is everything okay?” Remember to be sincere—after all, there might really be an emergency.

I love this and use it often. A sophisticated person may recognize the insinuation that *if it’s not an emergency, then why are you on your phone?*

Depending on the context, I use different lines to encourage social etiquette. All of them prioritize kindness, instead of shaming, as [the former](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/Cf2xxC3Yx9g6w7yXN/notes-from-don-t-shoot-the-dog) is more likely to alter behavior.

*   One of my favorite tactics to discourage phone usage is to frame it such that they're doing me a favor by stopping. “You know, I’m someone who is easily distracted. Do you mind putting your phone away for me?”
*   On a date with a device-distracted person, I’ll say with a teasing tone as I point at their phone, “somewhere else you’d rather be?”😉
*   When having a conversation with a friend that requires concentration, I explain the -10 IQ fact and request, "I need to speak to the most intelligent, and non-distracted, version of you."
    *   It’s a suggestion baked in a compliment.
*   In group settings, mentioning the outcome from the aforementioned dinner study can sometimes be effective at disrupting norms.
    *   If I’m hosting people at my place, then I’ll pair this study with a phone bowl to encourage everyone to disconnect for the night.  
        ![](https://lh7-us.googleusercontent.com/docsz/AD_4nXdorbDrwcb6uBA-BtkAB3u5tLZkP0QHO4J0vKrK_kfF-9Pb-VEZjuvaRgVecGRlw5a550KiacHZJ6wm3hiSMLpDpo5ziUNRKyEI1ogfPBNSuiE-6HWHFO_0p3zp7q-rzkmnNSdG8qxaCN7Cjzd1PRI8wgtb?key=1tADDVY4W6I1FQDCc8hSsg)
*   I always ask for permission to check my phone, with an accompanying rationale, in one-on-one social situations. Most people say “of course it’s fine to use your phone!” But I ask for permission *every time* anyway. Why? Because I’m setting a standard for myself and leading by example.
    *   Furthermore, if I’m expecting a text/call during a social interaction, I inform the people I'm currently with ahead of time so as to not appear rude later.
*   Nuclear option (when nothing else is working): “I would like to feel more connected with you, but I feel lonely when our conversation is interrupted by our phones.”
    *   Even here, I’m [minimizing the conflict](https://www.tonyrobbins.com/love-relationships/words-matter-you-vs-i/) by using “I/we” language instead of “you” language.  
         

> The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence — Thich Nhat Hanh 

[^nt7o2m2b6uo]: This moment was from author Johann Hari’s book Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention. 

[^gdqrc7qzrqv]: The only reason to use a phone when in the presence of others is for active communication with other people who have yet to arrive for a group event.