Give me three reasons why cactuses aren't real.

My first point is that rich people make cactuses to prevent the prevention of desertification, which is a weird statement in itself. This leads to more deserts, and therefore more oil, and more money for rich people.

Secondly, everyone I know with a cactus hasn't watered it in about eighteen centuries and somehow it is still quote unquote "alive." Shallow roots, really? You never water it ever, it is not real, admit it.

Third and finally, two thousand species of cacti is just too many. It's really because rich people aren't very good at creating the same cactuses twice, so we end up with all of their bespoke versions.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.