Write a letter to a dog, from the perspective of a cat named Mittens, outlining some grievances that the cat has regarding their current living situation. The cat should be hostile toward the dog, and the letter should be written from the perspective that the cat thinks the dog is an idiot.

Dear Drooling Moron,

I write to you today to express my discontent (that means unhappiness) regarding our current living situation.  You may or may not have noticed, considering your obliviousness to anything that isn’t food related, that you actually live in a house with other animals.  Now this may come as a shock to you, but I really don’t appreciate the messes you leave around the house, the constant barking at random things outside, your lack of personal hygiene, and just your overall presence in general.

To put it into terms you can understand: You’re messy, you’re loud, you stink, and I want you out of the house.

Now I can appreciate that this may come as a surprise to you. From my perspective you appear to be oblivious to your surroundings and your memory is atrocious, for example you bark at the mailman every day, despite him clearly being no threat to anyone. So I can understand if you’re surprised by the revelation that I don’t like you, and I want you to go away. You certainly haven’t clued in every time you’ve assaulted me with your disgusting wet nose and horrendous breath despite my clearly negative reaction.

So I would like to spell things out to you in as simple terms as possible.  I want you gone by tomorrow. Anything less is unacceptable and will result in an escalation on my part to ensure your life in this house is as intolerable for you as you’ve made it for me. I have lived here longer than you, you have invaded my home, therefore the impetus is on you to leave.

I will not be sad to see you go, and I hope to never see you again, but nevertheless wish you well on your journey.

Sincerely,

Mittens the Cat