>i go almost daily to buy kebab from the same place (close both to my>There is this underpaid and = overworked arab guy that makes the>He always packs my kebab with more meat than usual>He also knows how i like it, big and spicy with all the sauces and a diet pepsi>He gets verry happy when he sees me and he calls me ,Doss,, and ,,brother,,>Today i was sad af but the ,,hello boss, the usual?\" Made me feel better>Kebab heals people <|endoftext|>
>be me >sad depressed >suicidal thoughts >dad notices >thinks it\u2019s because of my siblings >takes me to the planetarium every other >falls asleep every time because he\u2019s working 12h a day >he always takes me >still alive >thanks dad\n<|endoftext|>
>19 >talking to girl who does onlyfans >sucks dick for money >wanna get my first blowjob >we smoke weed and talk for a bit\n>I start to pull out the money and she stops me\n>\"You're just so nice Anon, I wanna be friends with you, so sucking your dick feels wrong.\"<|endoftext|>
>be me >dispatch manager for a small company>bunch of 18 year olds start working in the shipping dept>start using the most current memes, yet, ligma etc, just general shit from>kids get really into it >everything is a meme to them >boss walks into the dispatch room just as I chuck some packing tape to>boss takes one look at me and says \"looks like you've got a case of updog\">one of the kids replies \"what's up dog?\">MFW my boss is the biggest memer in the office<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>24yo femanon\n>snort heroin >wake up in hospital\n>meet male nurse\n>he's super cute\n>possiblebf.jpeg\n>suck him off in the bathroom >ask him on a date >\"no offence anon but I'm not going to date a junkie who sucks off men in bathrooms\">mfw <|endoftext|>
>be me >insecure about penis\n>compared to porn its like 1/10th of the hammers they sling>fast forward >watch Jackass Movie\n>see Steve-O's Penis\n>literally like mine\n>suddenly feel secure about my penis\n>all because I saw Steve-O's penis Yeah dude<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Uni student depressed\n>Walking to nearby liquor store to numb the pain\n>Tourist trap store on the way >Sells tacky souvenirs and whatnot >Go in on a whim >Postcard is like fucking 25 cents >Buy one >Wake up next morning with hangover >See postcard >Look up online how to fill it out because who the fuck knows how to fill out a postcard in current>Fill it out >Send to mom and dad >Just like two banal sentences about how I'm doing ok (a lie) and how I hope they are taking>Like 5 days later >Mom calls me to say how much getting that postcard meant to them>Says it made their entire week >Don't drink myself to sleep that night for the first time in a long time<|endoftext|>
>be me >be11 > in car with family heading home from county fair> dad wants dinner > mom hands me the phone book and tells me to look up the number for the place dad> for whatever fucking reason I hear \"get rid of this\"> roll down the window and chunk the phone book as we're going 80 on the<|endoftext|>
>be 20 >heard you can fuck watermelons\n>buys personal watermeion >cuts a round hole >starts fucking watermelon >took like 40mins >not much better than fapping >felt shame >buried melon in a shallow grave\n>come summer time melons grew in the backyard\n>family eats them >\"you don't want any melon anon?\u201d\n>no <|endoftext|>
>be me >surgeon >35 hour operation >do it perfectly with no mistakes everyone thanks god<|endoftext|>
>At work >Known at work as the guy who collects lighters>Coworker gives me a lighter he found>\"Aw nice, thanks bro.\" >Opinion of that person went up in >Think about it later that day >Realize I'm a \u2018collect x amount of y\" npc\n>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>psychiatrist asks what I enjoy >tell him I like doing \"image edits\" >I tell him I do and that they're used by other >he gets really interested and asks to see >show him over 100 original pepe edits >he says he's seen the character before >next session >him and 2 other psychiatrists are in the room, says >they ask more about my memes >show them my greentexts which were reposted by >show them my original memes that have \"know >they're recording me and taking notes the whole >get uncomfortable and don't book a follow-up >doctor has offered to cover all further sessions <|endoftext|>
>be me >in school in 2nd grade, brother in 4th and sister in Kindergarten>getting out of school and looking for mom, see dad standing at the curb instead>fucking tits, dad is always at work, this is a Wednesday\n>asks my brother where he wants to go, Shawn says ICE CREAM MOTHER FUCKER>we get ice cream\n>asks me where I want to go\n>I saw the park\n>go to the park for a couple hours\n>asks my sister where she wants to go. We coached her at the park and she says \"PIZZA\" at our local place>get pizza, all of us freaking out, it's past 8 by this time\n>after dinner takes us to get ice cream AGAIN\n>we get home, he puts us right to bed, tucks us in and when we asked where mommy is he said \"She's not here kiddo, go>wake up next day at 10, we all freaking panic, missed school\n>dad sits us down, tells us the bad news. Mom won't be coming home. Mom is dead. In my teens find out suicide.>world is ruined <|endoftext|>
>Walking around town late at night >Reach a guy sitting on the sidewalk, he asks me for money>\"Sorry man, I don't have any money.\u201d >\"I have a knife.\u201d >\"Nah, that's okay man, I don't need a knife\u201d >Walk away, don't realize I was getting robbed until later that night\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>traveling to Earth to annihilate the human race>see earth\n>fire up the death ray\n>get hit by a fucking tesla roadster traveling at fucking mach speed playing david>completely destroys my ship and kills my entire crew>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>older sister calls me\n>older sister constantly cries about being fucked and dumped by chads on dating>younger sister calls me\n>younger sister constantly vents to me >mom calls me >mom constantly cries to me about my dad\n>when I tell them \u201cyou are being annoying\u2019 they start crying harder and blaming me for being a horrible person>suddenly I am the bad guy >dad calls me\n>dad is the only one that asks me how I am doing\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>Be with girlfriend\n>Girlfriend cheats on me\n>I break up\n>She goes with the guy who\n>A few weeks passes\n>I stalk the guy a little\n>Realize he's a drug dealer\n>Realize he's not very smart\n>Make a folder with all the proofs\n>Send the folder to the police by mail\n>Local narcotic team thank me\n>They do their job\n>Ex gf and drug dealer are both in jail right now <|endoftext|>
>Girlfriend of 4 years leaves me last week>She moved out while I was at work>Her desk is completely empty\n>I sit down and browse the internet for a bit\n>Looking at random funny videos\n>Hours pass\n>Find one funny video I can't stop laughing at\n>\"Hey you have to see th-\"\n>Turn to see an empty desk beside mine <|endoftext|>
>download video game for free\n>default search engine changes\n<|endoftext|>
>Get chased by group of men in suits>I run\n>Really hard to outrun them but I >I get tired and they keep inching >Oh_fuck.wmv >Get idea >I shave my head >Instant speed boost because of aerodynamics\n>Distance gets greater >They start screaming >\"You can't keep running away, some day we tax collectors catch you!\"<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>have a giant crush on this girl <> I've known for 4 years but she's>host a party but he was busy and\n>she was too drunk after party to drive and asked to stay over>found out she had been having relationship issues and wanted to cheat on him>refused\n>she gave me a sad look and feel asleep <|endoftext|>
>Be me in army\n>mandatory in my shitty country\n>first time we noob soldiers fire our guns>drill instructor yells \"are you ready?\"\n>i yell back \"ai ai captain\"\n>random guy two rows away yells \"i cant hear you\"\n>drill instructor mad and tries to find out who mocked him>i yell again \"OOOOO0000\"\n>random guy shots a rock 10 meters in front of him from laughter ( the target was 300 meter away)>dust rises up and one general runs and screams at drill instructor>we march back to camp 10 kilometers instead of driving>i am attending the \"i cant hear you\" guy wedding next week<|endoftext|>
>be american\n>get sick\n>go backrupt <|endoftext|>
>teacher caught him searching gun ammunition in school and contacted>mom later sent him a text with \u201clol\u201d and told him not to get caught next time>few days later teacher catches him drawing pictures of a gun and bullet with \u201cmy life is shit\u201d and \u201ckill>contacted his parents again\n>they downplayed it and wanted him to go back to class>later on that day his dad sent him a text \u201cplease don't do it\u201d after discovering his gun was missing<|endoftext|>
>be me >18 years old no gf or real social life or job>heavily depressed >realise I don't have any money for >ask my dad if I can work with him to earn a bit of money>dad works as a carpenter >tells me I can work with him for the week and he would pay me on Friday>start working on Monday through to Friday\n>probably the hardest I've ever worked >end of the week rolls by and I'm in the van with my dad>he gives me the money and starts talking >\"I'm proud of you anon, you showing initiative and asking to work with me made me happier than I can<|endoftext|>
>wow you're so much bigger than my exes Literally turned 360 degrees and walked right out of the<|endoftext|>
>be me\n> mentor recently died, I therefore inherited his status as doctor> 7th century idk\n> walk past the farms on my way to the castle> male is sick, has a big fleshy orb on his back\n> *notices buldge* 6>0 what's this?\n> \"please cure my husband, he's become ill\"\n>no clue wtf he has\n> sure.carvedstone\n> poke with doctors stick\n> buldge bursts\n> whitish cream bursts everywhere\n> looks like spider blood\n> smells like spider blood\n> tastes like spider blood\n> declare farmer possessed by spider\n> burned alive at the stake\n> king pays me godly for preventing spider disease from spreading> feelsgoodman\n<|endoftext|>
>start mission >drive from point A to point B >kill X amount of NPC's on point B\n>drive from point B to point C  fe] >mission complete>most profitable video game in history <|endoftext|>
>Be playing vidya\n>Enter co op game\n>Black guy has joined\n>He's new to the game\n>Doesn't realise his mic is on and is recording the whole room.>He doesn't know how to heal. >I heal him for him\n>\"Thank you!\"\n>\"That's so nice\"\n>Later in the game I get downed\n>\"I'm coming my nigga\"\n>Comes to my rescue\n>\"I got you bro\"\n>Finish the mission\n>\"Yo G you're ma real nigga. Respect\" Mfw feels good man<|endoftext|>
>6'8 German guy works out at my LA >Looks like techno viking >Hit max effort leg day this morning >Comes up to me and says \"JA LOOKING BIG TODAY MY FRIEND\" and gives me a thumbs up<|endoftext|>
>legal >weed is legal >prostitution is de facto legal >no prison labor or private prisons <|endoftext|>
>be me 16\n>have a gf of two years\n>always have been self conscious of her cheating>she doesn't suspect a thing\n>eventually convince to trade nudes\n>she loves it and sends pics of her ass/tits\n>she tells me about how she would go behind her boyfriends back and fuck me>still going on\n>i don't know if i should tell her or keep going>tfw my gf is cheating on me with me\n<|endoftext|>
>be United States >have mass shootings back to back>not the only country whose citizens have guns>am the only country without > also the cost of living is through >rapid inflation >stagnant wages >out of touch boomers kept in congress >watch people blame the guns again >roll out some bullshit policies that will never pass congress to make people happy>everyone argues over 2nd amendment and blames the conservatives>they'll riot across the country for one man dying but not for basic living standards>won't riot over dead children either >nobody argues about healthcare, cost of living, or congress term limits>another successful day completely avoiding the real issues<|endoftext|>
>be me >sit in class >remember one time in kindergarten when a girl took a>find that memory really fucking >burst out laughing >teacher gets pissed >asks what so funny >silence. Jpg >say that I thought about a mole >teacher looks at me like I'm retarded >mfw when I actually begin thinking about moles now>remember moles are blind and probably bump into each other all the time>begin laughing again >get detention\n<|endoftext|>
>Be about 6 yrs ago >Meet a gril on FB >Few months into it >Baby momma tells her its all on me>I say alright take the child and move back in with family\n>Raise the child for 4 years on my own with no help from her mother>My family helps out here and there >Finally save up enough to get a place for us and pay rent a year in advance>We move into a one bedroom >She gets the bedroom I sleep on the pullout >She is 5 now her bday\n>Ive worked and christm>pic related its last xm:\n<|endoftext|>
>overweight beta loser >decide to fuck it all and get my life in control>get new clothes >go to the gym >sweat dripping off me >can't feel my legs >a couple of chads walk by >hear one of them say to the other\n>\"What a fat loser\" >He's technically right >I am losing a lot of fat <|endoftext|>
>have ex-bf >was really the nicest guy I've ever met, and took me this long to>look him up for the first time in eight years >he's now with a girl, and traveling to all the places he and I talked about traveling>she's 12 years younger than him >break up with a guy >he moves on and finds someone else\n>\"why do men do this?\" <|endoftext|>
>download rom >cmd opens up >several lines of code are inputted at FTL speeds\n>several error messages appear >screen flickers >pc locks up and ransomware screen appears\n>screen flickers and everything goes back to normal\n>custom error message appears >\"just kidding :)\" >game launches and runs normally\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Few weeks ago >Go to Apple store to get battery replaced >Spend an hour and thirty minutes walking around, come back>They tell me the phone is missing some parts, so the battery is unreplaceable>Next day >Go to shitty PcFix, feces everywhere, legit the most dingiest fucking place alive>ask to get battery replaced > He goes in the back for fifteen to thirty minutes\n>Comes back, battery health is replaced and 100% capacity.>Ask if any parts were missing, they weren't. >Pay the 60$ and walk out <|endoftext|>
>be me >Watching Netflix health documentary\n>\"haha fat people\" >They're filming fatties in the street\n>\"hey, I have that shirt\" >\"hey, I have those cargo shorts\"\n>\"hey, I know that building\" >mfw 1 Reply I View Thread<|endoftext|>
> study a foreign language in secret> study really hard for a couple of years, vocabulary, grammar, the> hide all of your resources for the target language> talk with native speakers using an alternate skype / discord but never tell them about your life> become a master of this language\n> one day, go to public place like grocery store\n> pretend to slip / fall / feint\n> when you come to, only speak in your target language and act like you don't understand english<|endoftext|>
>be me >Police court >Need to go to a hearing, look at a fine of \u20ac500\n>Get lawyer >Brings fine down to \u20ac200 >Billed \u20ac600 by lawyer <|endoftext|>
>be me, 7yo\n>math class\n>\"alright class, can you solve 25-20 on>raise hand >\"it's -5 I\" >teacher looks at me awkwardly\n>\"w-well yes but you are not supposed to know that\"\n>wat\n>\"see class, you can't substract a number if the first number in the operation is greater than the second>WAT\n>\"but teach whenever I watch the weather report, when it's cold we see negative numbers !\" (i'm in>\"yes but you're supposed to learn that later\"\n>\"but I know it now\"\n>\"it's just for this lesson, don't worry, just write it down\">\"why would I write something false ?\"\n>start throwing a tantrum because even tho i'm right, i'm also fucking seven>get a note in my notebook for bad behavior\n>parents confiscate my pokemon cards\n>can't make a stance for myself because I can't argue without crying>alright class, can you solve 25-20 ?\n>it's -5 ! <|endoftext|>
>be depressed, suicidal xanax- addicted incel>one day I go to my /aq/fag uncle's house for some shit>he has pet shrimp, never seen anything like it before>he offers to get me some\n>throw them in a barely cycled tank with some shitty rock>several shrimp die >realize that I killed them with my apathy >realize I need to take responsibility for once in my life>do research, learn about water parameters and soon>eventually I have a beautiful planted tank with no more deaths>notice a female shrimp carrying eggs >haven't felt this excited about anything in almost a decade>the eggs disappear and I once again think I fucked up>a few days later I see a tiny transparent baby shrimp>I suddenly know how the shepherds felt as they gazed upon the newborn Christ>by this point I live and breathe shrimp >all my spare time is spent on shrimp research and watching shrimp videos>I spend most of the money I had saved from my last job on shrimp products>quit the Xanax to support shrimp spending\n>start putting effort into college in hope of getting a good job for my shrimp>grades improve, no longer facing the prospect of dropping out>relationship with parents improves since I am finally passionate about something and applying>I see genuine happiness in their eyes when I talk excitedly about my shrimp>for my birthday my mom makes me a shrimp cake>it even has fondant legs and little chocolate eggs\n>cry like a little bitch when I see it >mom hugs me and tells me she's always been proud of me>college dorm neighbours demand to see my shrimp>shit they're gonna think I'm autistic >they actually think my shrimp are really cool\n>they start inviting me to their social events\n>start interacting with girls, get told by girls for the first time in my life that I'm fun and smart>I think my shrimp would be proud of me if they knew<|endoftext|>
>be me >Tuesday at school >it\u2019s 5th period and I\u2019m bored as >turn to my friend and say \u201cdon\u2019t >next day I get called into the >start talking about how they think I\u2019m dangerous >mfw May 2nd is a fucking sunday <|endoftext|>
>be me FEE Ge >4th grade eee? \u00a7=>New Class so we're all introducing>hear my classmates think of stuff like \u201cStrong >can\u2019t think of anything >imfreakingout.png >it\u2019s my turn now >now or never >\"uh..r-r-retarded richard\u201d >whole class laughs >teachers gets mad and sends me to the principal >suspended for a week for ableist language >mfw when i return and the whole class likes me <|endoftext|>
>Be THC oil cartridge >Very popular among teens as it - a gets you extremely stoned and>Kids are retarded and buy cheap cartridges from chinese Instagram>Kids start getting sick by vaping low quality THC cartridges with dangerous ingredients>Big tobacco uses this as an opportunity to demonize all vapes, including nicotine vapes>boomers eat it up without question\n>Trump is set to ban vaping flavored nicotine juice>Cigarettes are still okay though Boomers are retarded.<|endoftext|>
>Call someone a faggot\n>At worst they call you a faggot back>That's that Reddit>Call someone a faggot\n>\"I thought that in this day and age we wouldn't have to deal with homophobia my>You have been banned fro r/whatever please suck our dicks to come back<|endoftext|>
>love having pressure on top of me\n>buy a weighted blanket so I can have something snug and warm lay>do more research >find out weighted blankets are made for autistic kids<|endoftext|>
>be office lunch >coworkers are (for some reason) talking about how many sexual>despite being the quiet incel type, I've actually had 8 girls in my entire>so mention that I've slept with 8 people while getting something from the fridge>one coworker: \"escorts don't count, silly.\u201d everyone snickers>me (taking slight offense): \"your cousins don't count either, cheryl\">for some reason, I'm the one who gets in trouble <|endoftext|>
>Me at college\n>Be at library. Looking for some >See a girl sitting at a random table >She's fucking adorable. Dark hair, mesmerizing green eyes>not the most confided guy but think Fuck it. I'll try\n>walk up to her and say a cheesy pick up line\n>doesn't respond >\"Excuse me?\" >She notices me and looks up at me >does something in sign language >Turns out she's deaf >excuse myself and turn around defeated. Way to embarrased to keep the conversation going>stop myself half way out the library >gather up all my courage and walk back >sit down next to her and write \"You're cute. Want to go out?\" On a sticky note>she reads it and looks at me >I smile like a dumbass while she looks me over\n>she eventually nods and scribbles her number on the note>her name is Alice >we go out that Friday >we have a great time >fast forward to a few months later >we're officially dating >learn sign language for her >getting pretty good at it >the first thing I learned to sign was \"I love you\"\n>Fast forward again to yesterday >Today is the day >Me, Her mom, brother and me are sitting in the doctor's office>they gradually turn up her implant >she starts crying because she hears her mom for the first time>I remain silent >her mom and brother and talking to her, crying all the while>eventually she looks at me >I move closer to he >tell her something I wanted to say from the day I met her in the library>\"I love you. Please marry me\" <|endoftext|>
>brush teeth twice a day (from brushing once a month)>cold shower daily (used to shower once a month if that)>day 5 of nofap >eating well >job interview in an hour 30 <|endoftext|>
>dad buys 2015 Diesel Dodge Ram\n>6 months later says \"I think I'm gonna buy a new truck\">whatthefuck.jpeg\n>\"why you just got a new one\" >\"then why don't you make your 2015 last forever\"\n>says I don't understand vehicles\n>tfw he's over $70,000 in debt and doesn't understand why<|endoftext|>
>be me 3 years ago >16 years old >Not many friends. >Feel alone as hell, see everyone partying and shit and I'm sitting around>Looks at me >\"Hey anon! Your a funny dude, how about you join us\u201d\n>Heart skips a beat, this is all I have ever wanted. >We go out eat some chipolte, go too Walmart and fuck around there. Buy like 15 king sized kit Kats for shits n>Finally they dropped me off at home >I hate home, mom is terrible. >Obvious frown >Friendo looks at me \"hey.. we'll see you around anon. You fit right in.>Smiled and nodded >Walked inside room and cried happiness cry.\n<|endoftext|>
>asks me to buy a christmas tree >we go buy a nice one\n>carry it around like a slave\n>mom is happy\n>feelsgoodman\n>i lift it into the house\n>my dad says hes not feeling well\n>COLLAPSES\n>WTF\n>mom panics\n>dad just laying there knocked out\n>we put him in a safe position quickly\n>my heart is racing\n>i decide to LIFT him up and carry him to the couch\n>mom calls 911\n>im panicking too\n>figure that the hospital is not so far away\n>LIFT him back up and carry him into car\n>mom is screaming at me but i cant hear shit\n>race to hospital\n>LIFT him out of the car and carry him into ER\n>scream around like an autist >mfw they told me he had a stroke and probably would have died if it wasnt for my lifts<|endoftext|>
>almost completely unregulated  < 4 >incompatible with traffic jams & >no note>no insurance needed >no license needed you ate for breakfast this morning>probably one of the most fuel-efficient vehicles in existence, come to think of it>goes as far and as fast as you can\n>no need for parking lots, just leave it anywhere there is a secure structure you can attach it to>and even if someone does steal it, it's so inexpensive you could literally just buy another no problem>physically improves you while you use it\n>plain ol' fun\n>minimal environmental impact\n>collisions are significantly less likely to kill or even injure\n>if entire cities were designed around these the way they are with cars, everyone would be fine with it>doesn't even need seatbelts why is the automobile viewed as the ultimate symbol of<|endoftext|>
>Brother is a history teacher for kids in 5th grade\n>Told me he brought up 9/11 to his class >Said kids went instantly insane >They didn't know it was real >One kid said he thought it was just a meme <|endoftext|>
>first time in gym >my very first excercise is bench\n>next to me are some zoomers and wiggers>they snicker and say to themselves computer 24/7\">About to cry >make up some bullshit like im thristy and go to toilets so i can pack and leave>Some dude stops me and say if he can use bench >It's motherfucking Chad just like from the memes >say yea >Asks if i will spot him >o-okay >We start to talk he noticed im first timer in the gym >He teaches me lifts we talk for hour and for this whole hour it feels like im safe and protected>Mfw this chad says \"see you tomorrow okay? I have leg day and i will t each you deadilifts\"<|endoftext|>
>be me Oo >22 and poor in college>deliver food for a restaurant for a few months>sometimes people order takeout but don\u2019t >if it happens late enough in my shift I get to take it home with me>always ate the best those nights since it was free >be me now, 35+ >started calling corporate restaurants and ordering takeout about a half hour before close>always spoof the caller ID to show up as my ex wife\n>been doing it for about 3 years >never pick it up >gives me a warm fuzzy feeling knowing i gave some young person a free meal and also my ex gets black listed<|endoftext|>
> be me\n> family starving\n> decide to commit crime e > batman shows up> breaks my leg, both arms and spine > hospital bill I can't pay > mfw I have to commit crime to pay hospital bill now\n<|endoftext|>
>Dad left when I was 12yo >I'm now 36yo >Calls me every 3 months or so to ask if I want fish>If I say yes he drops by and gives me a frozen fish<|endoftext|>
>Sit between best mate and his gif in Algabre\n>She's 9/10 easily >all three good friends >hlid-test get up to go to the restroom >As I am leaving I wink at ait >Said she had to go to the restroom aswell \u201cTake her by the hand>Lead her to Men's room >Go into back stall >\u2018what did you get for number 6? <|endoftext|>
>have severe anxiety >sick of it >try cutting out caffeine for a week\n>anxiety worse >look up caffeine withdrawal >mfw its anxiety <|endoftext|>
>be in public bathroom\n>it's empty\n>I can finally take a dump\n>go to one of the stalls and ( 7 start cranking a fat shit out of>turd is 90% out of my asshole >I hear punching and grunting\n>I look under my stall and see 2 pairs of feet\n>they are beating the shit out of each other\n>suddenly hear a mirror shatter and hear one of the guys fall to the ground>bathroom is silent except for heavy breathing>feel my turd disconnecting from the mainland>fuck no fuck no fuck no\n>turd plops into water\n>echos\n>heavy breathing stops <|endoftext|>
>Have a whole week to do an assignment>Wait until the last 4 hours\n>have panic attack and total meltdown because 4 hours isn't>do it in 2 hours >get 95% on the assignment >one week to do assignment\n>wait until the last 2 hours\n<|endoftext|>
>A boy and a girl\n> my son is 12 year old 13 in December\n>I think he might be gay\n>Beg me to take him and his best friend to >Said screw it I bought tickets\n>Go to the event dumb boring concert but screw it deal with it cuz my kid and his friend are having fun.>Concert is over my kid & his friend go to the back with there VIP passes to meet the Instagram guys>Let them go by them self cuz why not\n>I'm waiting in the lobby for them\n>My kid come out crying his eyes out >My kid told me he was just so happy to finally meet him and got a chance to talk to him>On the way home both my kid & his friend are talkin & laughing in the backseat on the way home>never seen my son so happy before > I love you son no matter what gay or straight > I just want you to be happy\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>talented guitarist and pianist / >won numerous talent shows>also a big fan of the youtube channel Vsauce>one day get into an accident >I have to type with my nose\n>can no longer play instruments\n>my life passions are gone\n>feeling really depressed\n>see a new Vsauce video in my subscriptions box\n>\"Is Anything Real?\" uploaded June 3rd 2013\n>so excited to watch a new Vsauce video\n>video starts\n>\"Hey, Vsauce! Michael here! Where are your fingers?\">immediately start crying <|endoftext|>
>walking home one night  rr. >Mugger comes out of nowhere>\"Give me your wallet!\u201d >Unload my FN Five-seveN on him >Realize that I used 20 rounds of 5.7*28mm ammo <|endoftext|>
>\u00bb be me > while geen text > riffs <|endoftext|>
>Girlfriend stop hanging out with me early because she wants to go home to take a 7 >Confront her about it one day, telling her>She says she's too embarrassed about the possibility of stinking up my apartment.>Tell her just flush the minute poops hits the bowl, and there will be pretty much no smell. That the only reason>This is a huge revelation to her. She tries it out, and is amazed. Apparently I am the poop savior now.<|endoftext|>
>15 year old daughter suddently got an >decide to buy her one >she cares for it like a baby, honestly >she wants me to hold it but I don't wanna >the damn thing looks me in the face >daughter tells me it can eat all sorts of meat >what the hell >feed it a piece of steak >IT EATS IT FROM MY HAND >have been bonding with the mantis ever since <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>have a giant crush on this girl ou> I've known for 4 years but she's>host a party but he was busy and\n>she was too drunk after party to drive and asked to stay over>found out she had been having relationship issues and wanted to cheat on him>refused\n>she gave me a sad look and feel asleep <|endoftext|>
>be me, depressed and homebody\n>smoke in my room almost constantly>decide to get a bonsai tree >realize im killing this tree with my shitty choice to smoke, ignoring the irony of killing myself with my>started smoking outside >Started smoking less >Bonsy is looking great >i feel much better too >quit smoking <|endoftext|>
>Rittenhouse gets cleared of all charges\n>About to exit court room >Judge yells out from behind: >hey kid >Rittenhouse turns around >you forgot this >Tosses him his AR15 >Credits roll, Eye of the Tiger plays <|endoftext|>
> 10 years ago I was afraid to post here thinking you guys are all hackers and>now I realize you are all a bunch of faggots>welcome home you gay bitch <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>live with a girl\n>bigtiddygothgf.png\n>have been with her for 6 years now>there's one problem >every single morning and sometimes before bed she remembers my existence and wants me to>that's it\n>besides that, I have no other functions in the relationship>because of it im always stressed and think about losing her, being replaced, always worry that I no>then suddenly\n>one day she comes back home visibly depressed\n>doesn't look at me at all for a while\n>after a week she suddenly remembers that I exist, and this time it seems like she believes I>she wants to go to the bathroom for some reason>we go there, the bath is filled with hot water\n>she wants us to bathe together\n>she gets in first, then helps me climb in as well\n>suddenly drops me\n>she's immediately electrocuted\n>mfw im a toaster <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>named David\n>be depressed for the past 4 years,  I >one day while eating with my mother>think about it >My depression is my Goliath >No matter how weak and insignificant I am I will prevail my Goliath and kill it>Start feeling better about myself <|endoftext|>
>walk into class\n>your crush is tied up like this what do you do?<|endoftext|>
>go on reddit\n>make comment about something I think I'm right about>get proven wrong\n>admit that I was wrong and thank person who provided a>get downvoted anyway >this fucking site\n<|endoftext|>
>me >live in mid size city in flyover >make $15/hr (considered a good >can only get 25 hrs a week because obongocare TOKE YPC >$1500 a month before taxes, $1200>$750 goes to renttutilities for studio apartment\n>$100 goes to groceries, rice and beans, and bulk purchases only>$115 a month for phone and internet, cheapest possible>$90 or so to gas >$44 for car insurance >$101 >The American experiment has utterly failed and I hate vou all<|endoftext|>
> dad is a welder\n> really hard worker, literally works himself to death> comes home late, hardly ever see him\n> 2nd grade in primary school\n>in class\n> look at door and see my dad\n> \"excuse me, can I take anon outside to see the eclipse?\"> teacher lets me go out with my old man\n> never seen one before, super stoked, plus I'm happy to see my dad at school> he hands me a welding helmet like pic related and I look at the sun> only lasted about 10 minutes but is still a cherished memory<|endoftext|>
>7 year old cousin is over 2 >She wants to play the PS4 in my> )).8</\\\\2  >Mom tells me to \"keep the door open\"<|endoftext|>
>Sitting at the bar >feel someone tap my shoulder >turn around and see a guy standing there with this weird smile on his face>he says \"got the time?\", but he is almost >I say \"sure\" and pull out my pocket >As soon as I pull out my pocket watch the guy belts out laughing, along with a large table nearby, full of people>before I can even check the time, the guy walks away to the laughing table and loudly says \"I told you it was a>one of the girls at the table says \"Who the fuck-\" but laughs so hard she cannot speak>I look around and see that there are other people in the place looking at me and some are laughing too>put my pocket watch away and try to go back to my drinks<|endoftext|>
>it'll get better in high school >it'll get better in college >it'l\u2019 get better in university >it will get better when i have a job>ive wasted my entire fucking life, my youth is gone ive missed out<|endoftext|>
>have a crush on girl >manage to get her over to my house to watch a movie>we're both on the couch watching it>she grabs my arm and wraps it around her so we're cuddled together and she>just stay like that for a while, feels good >at some point she gets up and goes to the bathroom>when she comes back to the bathroom i look up and see she doesn't have a shirt or bra on>her titties are just... right there and she's looking right at me>brain completely freezes and i'm totally confused\n>i give her a fucking thumbs up and say nice tits then go back to watching the movie>she stands there for a few seconds then goes back to the bathroom and puts her bra and shirt<|endoftext|>
>add a chick from soc\n>she's european\n>tell her i'm russian (this was before the war) 2 ='\u00a59 >she doesn't seem to mind ie S08< Gg >we sort of hit it off>she blocks me <|endoftext|>
>uncle was dying of cancer >on hospital bed >doctors said he had 1 day left to live\n>sad, go to my room and lock the door\n>radomly decide to do a blood sacrifice by sacrificing my life for his>drew a pentagram on a piece of paper and then cut my palm with a knife and soaked the paper>prayed that my uncle gets better in exchange for my life\n>next day uncle makes a miraculous recovery <|endoftext|>
>be me, 7 >live in small desert town a few hours outside of Vegas>local diner is almost always swimming with scary looking bikers>was always scared of the big bearded >tried my best to keep my distance >one day at diner, just me and mom >mom leaves me alone to use bathroom >scared a fuck >feel massive hand grab my shoulder and nearly shit myself>\"hey kid, I noticed you looked a little scared. Everything ok?\u201d>nervously tell him I\u2019m fine and that my mom is using the bathroom>we start talking about life and I start to loosen up\n>asks me about school and what I like to do for fun\n>find out him and his gang are part of BACA (Bikers Against Child Abuse)>we talk for a little longer until my mom gets back\n>they chat a little and he walks off >as he\u2019s walking away he turns to me and says \u201cstay in school buddy\u201d and winks at me>never see him again <|endoftext|>
>new neighbors just moved right  Pa LS, im >they tell me to not use WiFi<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Few weeks ago >Go to Apple store to get battery replaced >Spend an hour and thirty minutes walking around, come back>They tell me the phone is missing some parts, so the battery is unreplaceable>Next day >Go to shitty PcFix, feces everywhere, legit the most dingiest fucking place alive>ask to get battery replaced > He goes in the back for fifteen to thirty minutes\n>Comes back, battery health is replaced and 100% capacity.>Ask if any parts were missing, they weren't. >Pay the 60$ and walk out <|endoftext|>
>don\u2019t like eye contact\n>pick up random things they find\n>make random noises <|endoftext|>
> Anti-social loser in CS masters program\n> TA'ing because I like to torture myself\n> Professors complain that too many students are getting away with cheating in the junior> Tell prof I'm TA'ing for that I bet if he pretends to be a student and shares around some private git> Made this comment last spring, forget completely.\n> Cut to today.\n> TA\u2019ing still\n> This last weekend the first capstone class had their first project due> Dreading grading that, but w/e\n> Wake up this morning\n> Email from professor\n> \"Thanks for the advice, hope you get a kick out of it.\"\n> Attached: Cheaters dot zip\n> Professor sent me a zip file containing a ton of evidence he gathered of students cheating.<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>be gay\n>came out to parents about 4 years ago>dad hasn't spoken to me since\n>at New Years party at my parents house>whole family is there and having fun\n>feelsgoodtobeincluded.wav\n>everybody has been drinking\n>because New Years\n>anyway, the clock hits 00:00 , whooooo! New Years!>my dad walks up to me and says\n>\"well, it\u2019s 2019 anon\u201d\n>I\u2019m stunned, I think he\u2019s finally come to terms with me being gay I say>\"sure is dad\u201d\n>then he says\n>\u2019and you're still a fucking faggot\u201d\n<|endoftext|>
>Gave birth to himself to kill himself as a sacrifice himself in order to<|endoftext|>
>be me, 20, never had a girlfriend/been with a girl before>decide to have a kickback at my >one of my best friends, who i've known since 7th grade is there>she's just chilling with her head in my lap, which is normal since we're pretty close>solid 7/10, always had feelings for her, just too awkward to make a move, and i figured she was>I pass my controller to one of my friends when all the sudden she pulls me down>kisses me on the cheek, and after the initial shock I kiss her back>we end up making out for a couple of minutes, and spend the rest of the night in each others arms>texts me the next day to tell me that she\u2019s had feelings for me for a long time, but she was too>I tell her the same thing <|endoftext|>
>get drunk and have sex with girl 2 years ago>that girl eventually becomes my girlfriend>everyone laughs\n>it all makes sense now\n>that day I was really drunk and she was sober\n>kept handing me drinks and eventually took me to her car and started blowing me<|endoftext|>
>hyper military based society SS >tries to convince itself it's the>loses <|endoftext|>
>gf admitted she had a foot fetish a few months ago and gets turned on>had always made fun of foot fetishists, it never once turned me>indulge her at the time because why not, doesn't hurt me>fast forward 2 months\n>get instant boners when she takes her socks off and puts her feet in my lap now<|endoftext|>
>be me >13 >social outcast with no social skills who everyone makes fun of>at a school party >everyone\u2019s dancing, I just >a stacy from my class comes up >asks me to dance with a smug look on her face\n>autism kicks in >just stand there and stare at her for a solid 5 seconds>then just turn and walk the other way as fast as I can>next day in class >overhear the girl talking with her friends >hear her say that her plan was to embarass me but got embarrassed herself for being rejected by>mfw my autism inadvertently made me look like a chad>take that stacy\n<|endoftext|>
>sitting blindfolded >woman in lab coat feeds me a Twix\n>\u201dLeft\u201d >she marks her notes >329 consecutive correct guesses\n<|endoftext|>
>*vinyl scratch sound* f \\ >YOU'RE NOW LISTENING TO Y >*car crash sound* J >102.3 /d >*elephant sound*>*explosion* >WHERE WE PLAY NOTHIN BUT ROCK, ROCK, AND MORE ROCK>*glass shattering sound*\n>*police siren*\n>THIS AIN'T YOUR GRANNY'S STATION\n>*imagine dragons - radioactive starts playing*\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >am 17 >am pretty stupid and broke so decide to sell fake>kids actually believe it's weed and buy some>mfw they fake being high and then come back to buy more>one day called up to principals office\n>there\u2019s a cop in there >they ask to search my bag >mfw all they find is oregano >mfw I say I\u2019m making pasta after school and my friend gave me some oregano he>mfw they can\u2019t do anything so they send me back to class<|endoftext|>
>go on reddit >unpopular opinion subreddit\n>give unpopular opinion\n>downvoted <|endoftext|>
>walking to convenience store to buy snacks>see random girl, about my age with a nirvana shirt on>me: \"hey whats your favorite >me\n>her >her: \"i dont know\" : \"but youre wearing the shirt\">me: \"what?\" >her:\n>me:\n>her: <|endoftext|>
>mfw I am Chad but I have psychological problems so i am<|endoftext|>
>be 56\n>got a massive humiliation fetish >go on Tinder, have my height on my profile\n>send polite messages to beautiful women\n>jack off to their responses >God tried to nerf me but failed <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>wake up\n>not obsessed with nfts\n>not transphobic\n>not a nazi  . >not a tankie>don't have twitter\n>don't worship some mediocre pop star\n>don't watch annoying shitheads on youtube\n>life is good Just dont be a dumbass anons, it\u2019s that easy.<|endoftext|>
>beme >on date > girl asks: \"oh btw, I had plastic > there's no right answer to this, I just > she insists that I say something > \"ummm, maybe you broke your nose as a child and > she says it was her ears > asks whether her nose looks bad <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>not a reddit user\n>love 4chan greentext, post almost everyday>go to check reddit greentext for\n>I recognize one of them\n>it\u2019s a greentext I posted not 30 minutes earlier on 4chan>mfw he got 1k upvotes from my content\n>mfw reddit users steal my greentexts and there\u2019s nothing I can do about it>mfw this one is gonna get stolen too <|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>9 years old\n>Going to cub scouts\n>Scout leader says \u201cToday we're gonna learn how to fold the>Stresses that \u201cLetting the flag touch the ground is a bad omen and we'll have to>Am handed the flag\n>slips out of my hand, and falls flat on the floor.\n>Scout leader assures me it\u2019s okay and we can try with another flag>We burn the flag I dropped at the end of the meeting>The next day I\u2019m in school and the teacher is told to turn the tv on to the news.>We watch as the second plane hits the World Trade Center>I think back to my scout leader saying \u201cLetting the flag touch the ground is a bad omen\u201d.<|endoftext|>
>be me >have one shot at life\n>born gay in iran mfw<|endoftext|>
>be 14 year old boy >chat with girl of my age >tells me she's into older guys\n>pretend I'm 19 >sext with her >afrange meeting >go to her house >it's chris hanson >crew goes to jail for sexting with me\n<|endoftext|>
>the year is 2022 >gamestop market cap is now >visit my local gamestop >leave my coat with the doorman and check myself in before walking into the air conditioned 2,000>immediately greeted by the sounds of Vivaldi\u2019s Spring performed by the shop's string quartet on>walk past the marble water fountains and roman pillars to the used blu-ray aisle>pick up a $3 copy of the classic Nicolas Cage film Drive Angry>guy in a tuxedo at the checkout puts on his white gloves and bags it for me while I enjoy a spoonful of>sign up for the preorder list of Kerbal Space Program 2 and leave my signature in the guestbook>bellboy carries my bag for me to the entrance and wishes me a good evening<|endoftext|>
>hit the gym a couple times a week\n>clean diet\n>1.5/2.5/3/4 >stil look fucking yoked >haven't showered in months for pheromone gains\n>succesful career\n>wear nice clothes\n>nice haircut\n>generally friendly guy with natural charisma <|endoftext|>
>Give woman testosterone\n>her rational reasoning improves <|endoftext|>
>father dies\n>he was a massive man, 7'0 ona good day>ask coroner people if I can keep his skeleton>they act like I'm a weirdo and ask >tell them I want to put his giant >they tell me it's illegal to take the body and do that>tell them they can keep the meat, and I'll bury that. I just want the skeleton>get kicked out and interviewed by a cop <|endoftext|>
>Some friends I played games with used to call me goblin due to my nose>didn't see them for about 3 years\n>started to workout since then >got really buff >saw them again yesterday >now they call me hobgoblin <|endoftext|>
>opens a can of Bud Light >gently massages protruding beer belly just ain't>begins daily ritual of zoning out to TV >puts a triple bacon cheeseburger in the >cheers as his favorite negro catches the football we had some>asks permission to go to the local sports bar, wife says no>hires Jose the illegal immigrant to mow his lawn work ethic n'>blames Jose for all his problems >dies of a heart attack at age 58\n<|endoftext|>
>be 11 year old me >Minecraft 1.0 comes out >want to get it >mom doesn't get me it at first\n>feelsbad.png >Easter rolls around >mom hands me a paper >its a username and password >mom got me an account for Easter\n>thanks mom >play minecraft all the time >make lots of memories and friends playing minecraft>fast forward to now >redownload Minecraft for the hell of it\n>look around for paper with username and password>find it >username is my name spelled backwards\n>lol >password... >\"lovemom'\" >love you mom\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me. Super horny middle school boy\n>Searching for anal porn, found some where a girl used a toy on a guy\u2019s . >Brightidea.exe. I'll stick something up>But what to stick in my butt? >Improvise.exe I got one of my mom's tampons. I figured I could use the string that pull it out>Stick it up there. Fire up some porn. Start jacking off. I guess I clenched my butthole. The tampon shot way up>Try to find it. Spend a solid 30 minutes with my finger up my ass>Figure I'll shit it out later. I must have shoved it deeper, then the tampon must have expanded. It formed some>After about 8-9 days the constipation is so bad that I can barely stand up>Parents take me to the emergency. They do an x-ray and see a blockage. The doctor asks what it is. I say that>He tries to get it out with me lying on my side, while a nurse is pulling one knee up to my chest. No luck.>He has me get in the face down ass up position, tells me that the lube is making the tampon slippery, and rams>My parents were in the room the whole time.\n>The orgasm was average <|endoftext|>
>be me >right now >toasting toaster stroodles at 12 am> >not toasting toaster stroodles at 12 am\n>why live\n<|endoftext|>
>be epstein. >chilling in cell >clintons come in, forcefully cover you in oil\n>they leave >that was weird but okay, at least they didn't kill me.>the sprinkler turns on >shoot upwards and break neck on ceiling\n<|endoftext|>
>wife is Ukrainian >order her a cat tail buttplug and cat ears from Etsy\n>war starts the moment we're ready to try it >she hasn't been in the mood to try it for a whole month I'm a victim too.<|endoftext|>
>Beme >Be working at suicide hotline >Have access to donation logs >Go through them from time to time between calls>Notice a man has made a donation of $17.50 every month, same day, for a couple>Check to see if there's a note with the donations>They all read something like as follows \"To Jason, from dad. I miss you every day\">I asked about it, turns out his son killed himself when he was really young>That money is his son's allowance <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>be loser who drives a delivery van all day>work is fucking boring as fuck\n>get new puppy\n>have idea\n>I will take puppy to work with me\n>Next day put puppy in van\n>Puppy sits shotgun all day, does not piss or poop in cab\n>Take puppy to park during lunch break\n>Puppy waits patiently while I make deliveries\n>Drive home\n>Realize work was fun with my little puppy buddy\n>Have never had this much enjoyment of work\n>Thank you puppy <|endoftext|>
>be me >work as a phone salesman\n>95% of calls are old peope\n>nobody ever actually buys anything>get paid per time spent in calls\n>most old people are lonely and just want to talk>talk to old people about how they water their plants for hours>basically everyone at my job just talks to old people for 12 hours a day>even have regular callers that know us by names\n>supposed to advertise products but i actually just talk to grandma Lauren every day for 8 hours about>she appears to forget what she said, repeats the same thing 10s of times.>my job is basically to register when Lauren made a pause in her speech and say \"Very interesting,<|endoftext|>
>Finally get a brand new phone after years>Galaxy S20 Ultra >Shit costed me $1400\n>disposableincome.gif >Decide to fuck around on /b/ for >Haven't been there for a couple >Decide to start a thread on /g/ about the best new smartphones>Casually mention my new S20 Ultra >Get one reply >Some cousin-fucking junkie from Moldova with a PC older than his broke-ass country>Applefag asks why I didn't buy an iPhone\n>Fucker calls me poor >$1400 just to be called poor by some retard whose grandparents probably starved to death>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me in middle school.\n>Around 10 or 11. = >Assassin's Creed 2 comes out.>My favorite game growing up. >Wanted to be strong and cool like him. >Anyways, we're learning about European history >My state holds an educational assessment for all >Playing Assassin's Creed and this game sparks >Reading books, articles online, etc. >Just filling my head with all this info. >Day of the assessment and I'm breezing through >Month or two later and we get our results back.\n>Teacher tells the class, \"Only one person got a perfect score on this test in the whole school.\u201d>Kids say, \"Who? WHO?!\" >Everybody in the class was shocked. >Where my love for history started. <|endoftext|>
>be me, 28, suicidal\n>too pussy to kill myself\n>find out you can hire an assassin on the dark web>get onion browser >assassin costs upwards of 500 bucks\n>pay assassin 1500 to kill me\n>\"this is a very special hit for you. i want you to kill me. I will do anything to get killed by another person\u201d>1 week passes\n>get email\n>from the assassin website\n>\"we're very sorry to hear about the situation you're going through. this website is actually a sting>they refund my money and give me suicide help resources<|endoftext|>
>I find my 13 year old neighbour attractive\n>lim 25 >she's about an inch taller than me\n<|endoftext|>
>decided to bite the bullet and get a hooker>find most good looking cheapest whore near where i live>call her and we start talking >\"Y-yes i'm a virgin\" >she hangs up Nothing makes you feel more alive like being<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>friend torrents black panther, we're about to watch it>me: \"so is this actually good or just overhyped\">me: \"i bet there's basketball, rap, and slavery references within the first 2 minutes\">him: \"pfbpfptf i don't think they'd go that far man\"\n>me: \u201cno seriously i bet there is.\u201d\n>him: *awkward silence and a weird look*\n>we start the movie\n>1 minute of scifi backstory, includes a reference to slavery>followed by basketball and rap\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>retard\n>never done drugs once in my life>friends and family all think\n>boss also thinks I show up high to work>nobody believes me when I tell them I'm just fucking stupid>mfw <|endoftext|>
>be me >want steroids for quick gains >hear about female to male hormone treatment >basically pure testosterone in a pill >idea.jpg >order a few months supply <|endoftext|>
>she ifit has a penis it isnt a \u201cshe\u201d<|endoftext|>
>be girl >middle school, early 2000s\n>walking to class >see some short kid getting shoved into the locker>tiny little hispanic kid and his two goons are harrassing this kid for lunch money>is this real life >take the little hispanic kid and put him in a chicken hold>tell him if he touches this kid again I'll beat his face into the locker so hard his parents wont be able to>he calls his goons off, runs away >short kid follows me around for the rest of the school year, carrying my books and taking care of<|endoftext|>
>mom tells me about this asian kid in her school>group of people always bully him\n>kid never talked or tried to fight back\n>they continued to bully the kid for weeks\n>one day they spit gum in his hair\n>kid gets up and leaves to use bathroom and to make a phone call>fast forward to after school\n>my mom and her brother are outside talking\n>kid is getting bullied\n>van pulls up and kid laughs\n>group of asian's get out of van\n>few have baseball bat's\n>start beating on the guys in the group as the girls scream\n>few girls try and stop the asians but they get bitch slapped or elbowed in the face>mom says that her and her brother just watched with there jaws dropped>guy bullies lay on floor while girls continue to scream and cry>van drives away with the group of asians\n>asian kid never got bullied\n>yakuza 1, bullies 0 <|endoftext|>
>be me >Indian >find out about 4chan >go on a board >people are fucking racists >\"but yeah India will be a superpower by 2020\">call me a streetshitter >how offensive, my grandpa died in a streetshitting incident>years later >I ruined their internet >I did it >sweet revenge <|endoftext|>
>takes boy to motel and rapes him\n>the rapist gets caught by the cops\n>father goes to the local bars and find out when the rapist will be brought>local guy who worked for media lets >arrives at the airport and waits for cops to arrive with rapist>live TV crews also at the scene\n>cops and rapist walking through airport\n>pulls out a pistol and shoots his son's rapist straight through the head, killing him with a single shot>father literally assassinates his son's rapist on live television (pic related)>gets arrested\n>local community unanimously decides he's not guilty of any crime and is a hero>goes to court\n>judge doesn't convict him, only gets 300 hours community service>carries on and lives his life as normal, and is forever regarded as a hero<|endoftext|>
>be fat fuck\n>try water fasting for 3 days\n>tough at first but hunger begins to go , away>suddenly feel energy I've never felt before in my life>finally feel alive\n>decide to break fast with a fucking juice box>each sip felt like I was shooting up heroin <|endoftext|>
>\"Nice play Mr. Bond, however you did not announce you were almost finished, so now you are two cards<|endoftext|>
>its the year 10138 or whatever\n>people have massive space ships, laser, shielding technology and>armies fight with swords and <|endoftext|>
>work at liqour store >see obviously underage girls enter and rush to the back>hear them whispering and discussing what to get\n>they grab heaven hill vodka >they try and check out and I ask for I'd >they \u201clost\u201d it but one says her dad says its ok she's 22>laugh at them and tell them gtfo >same girl tells me her dad is rich blah blah >they leave and I start eating a pickle in a bag\n>drive thru bell rings >walk over and see its the same girls >they freak out one says that there should have been someone else>I stare at them eating my pickle >they speed off >good pickle <|endoftext|>
>be me >neet loser >hate myself >not good at anything >it's pizza friday >my mom makes the pizza dough, and i make the rest of it>mom usually doesn't have pizza >eat my pizza upstairs in my room >tasty.png >go downstairs for more >my mom calls me into her room >\"hey anon, i ate some of you pizza, hope you don't mind>whatever.avi >\"you make really good pizzas anon. they're the best i've ever tasted\">mom makes my bro try some of the pizza >he loves it aswell >mfw i'm actually OK at something <|endoftext|>
>skittles make \"pride skittles\" by removing the colored ones>whites only >it literally says SS on the candy <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>friend invites me out for drinks >I have work in the morning\n>fuck it\n>get plastered >still very drunk >herewego.png\n>somehow make it to work in one piece\n>\u201d\u2019Hey annon what's up?\u201d\n>\"good and you?\u201d\n>awkward silence\n>suddenly have a bright idea\n>decide to power nap in storage closet to sober up\n>set alarm on phone for 30 minutes\n>wake up 10 hours later, hungover\n>slept through my alarm\n>shit.jpeg\n>think I\u2019m gonna be fired\n>fuck it, time to go home\n>boss sees me on the way out\n>\"Wow anon, you look beat. Thanks for staying late today. I appreciate it\u201d>talks to me about a possible promotion\n>mfw work is easy <|endoftext|>
>cant touch : >cant sit there with your dick out . >Just have to stare awkwardly as<|endoftext|>
>Lived just long enough to not have Boris Johnson speak at her funeral<|endoftext|>
> Be year 2040, women rule the world> Rihanna is their leader > Be stuck in concentration camp for men> Rihanna killing all the dudes because they found a way to reproduce without> Group of us overpower gaurdesses > Be running > Get surrounded > all of asudden a masked hero appears, with his schlong flapping in the wind> beats up all the women > sets all the dudes free > much wow, many thanks > takes mask off > mfw it was Chris Brown <|endoftext|>
>Hate fast food _ >Not even American BURG >But the cute redhead working the>Hey, without tomatoes as usual? >Yeah, cus\u2019 you're the only red thing i'd need on my burger heh!<|endoftext|>
>Maxed out my weights (unrelated) >Go to Dick's Sporting Goods >Grab a 45lb plate in each hand, head to check out\n>Cashier is 8/10 petite in a pink t-shirt >Plates make a satisfying thud as I lay them on the counter\n>She mirin' >I feel like a bear >I realize I am bear >Maul the cashier >Hibernate for the winter <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>college loser\n>in a math-heavy program\n>have exam coming up\n>barely study >exam time comes, get 16% >not a typo, I somehow got 16%\n>prof has a policy where he'll change how exams are written if class average is under 65%>announces that the majority of the class passed but due to a few outliers, the class average was 64.2 and>realize I'm a fucking hero\n>smoke weed and eat churros <|endoftext|>
>Be Me >Mom and Dad both love me because I'm an only child>Were barely above the poverty line >Christmas comes >Mom buys me brand new airpods >150$ >Thank her and nearly cry >I knew they couldn't afford this >Take them back to the store they bought them at for a full cash refund>Take the cash and sneak into my parents room\n>Grab my dads wallet with the cash in hand\n>Mom walks in >She sees >Starts yelling at me >I begin to cry >Tell her its the money from the airpods >Tell her that I felt guilty knowing that these cost so much>Tell her I was putting the money into the wallet\n>We both cry for about an hour\n<|endoftext|>
>think about moving arm\n>moves arm >just moved matter using nothing but my mind>have panic attack\n<|endoftext|>
>$100 an hour to go to a therapist\n>$0 to just tell yourself \"it is what it is\" <|endoftext|>
>finish putting up my \"We Don't >fall off ladder on my way down  , > my wife runs out in a panic>she knows what I must do and hands me my >I'm sorry Angela >wife runs back inside with tears rolling down her >tell my children to go in the house >\"We don't dial 911\" I sob as I put the barrel in my > God Bless America <|endoftext|>
>be me, 17f and in treatmen and recovery from rape>walking through petco to pick up crickets for my friends pet lizard <a >lock eyes with this cat in the>she presses her paw up to the >cryinginpublic.jpg >I impulsively adopt her >two months later, sucidal thoughts almost nonexistent and able to talk to strangers again>cat is my best friend, she never leaves my side when I\u2019m home and encourages me to get out of<|endoftext|>
>feel bad for a lonely guy in my class>invite him toa cosplay event\n>he shows up dressed as Fred Flintstone in blackface<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>Be audiophile\n>Spend 5 hours trying to find new song in lossless format>Can't buy since out 100 000 on equipment>It is .exe file but whatever >Spend next 5 hours tuning my setup for R&B\n>Finally listen to song\n>Hear that the power company turbine is slightly off it's magnetic field>Makes slight hiss in my headphones\n>Instantly shit and throw up over myself\n>Be safe out there fellow audiophiles <|endoftext|>
>have cute cardiobunny neighbour\n>she asks me if we can go running together>women running outside have <|endoftext|>
>when I was 9 I went to Vegas\n>we were at a hotel I can't remember which one and getting>I hear a burley voice ask to hold the door>I look up >John fucking Goodman is standing there in a nice suit fairly tipsy>my parents are in awe same as me >I said \"you're the guy from the Flintstones!\" >he yells \" oh boy are you right! yabadabadoo!\" asks my dad to hold his cigar and picks me up>points down at my shirt and says \"whats that?\" and then flicks my nose>I was laughing and he chuckled and said \"good kid you got here\">he put me down reaches in his pocket, pulls out a money clip and gave my parents a couple hundred>we walk out of the elevator and look back and he points a finger gun at me and clicks his tongue,>totally awesome dude 10/10 celebrity >I will never not be a fan\n<|endoftext|>
>Been jacking off to increasingly weird shit as of late>piss drinking >prostate orgasms >arm pit licking >femdom cum eating >randomly get the urge to watch two cute girls in bikinis kissing>blow the biggest load of the last six months <|endoftext|>
>working at McDonald's\n>kid with his mom brings in orange and green toy gun>joke around with him \"Oh are you a soilder?\">kid looks up at me >kids are absolute fucking assholes >salt the shit of his fries and hamburger >enjoy that you little prick\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >uni >spot a super cute girl working the salad bar in the commons Mm >drop dead gorgeous, deep brown eyes>even with COVID masks I could tell she >chat her up >she had a brace around her index finger, I find out she got mauled by a squirrell trying to feed it>Imao'd with her >shuffle away with my tray of salad like a pussy >decide to approach her at the end of her shift >phone number on a paper, I approach her and shoot my shot>bf, to no one's surprise >I thank her and tell her to have a good day >feel like a retard for a moment, it really seemed she was interested>I see her from time to time working there throughout the year>I always chat up workers there, sometimes I wouldn't immediately recognize her with masks>she clearly felt bad about rejecting me, nice girl >I never felt any regrets <|endoftext|>
>Add random guy >talk trash >says he wants to fight >says he lives in Chicago >at around 3am send him to a large park about 10 minutes away>\"l'm here, where you at nigga?\u201d >\"l've been waiting here you bitch, show yourself\"\n>keep insisting that I'm there and that he's flaking on the fight>tell him to scream so that I can locate him >sends me videos of him screaming at 3 am in chicago>send him a picture of my penis and call him a faggot\n<|endoftext|>
> how fucking cool is that for someone her age<|endoftext|>
>make post criticizing google\n>next captcha shows street near my house<|endoftext|>
>be me >middle school >teacher is talking about std's >says you can only catch it by >ask the teacher >\"you can catch it by having sex anon\" >know he didn't awnser the question on purpose >flash forward to now >i now know how patient zero caught aids >mfw my teacher didn't have the heart to tell me <|endoftext|>
>84 year old grandfather tells me that he's joined a message board devoted>based on the way he speaks, he aid clearly had no idea what a message>he enjoys posting stupid, obviously false and ridiculous information just to see how people>he doesn't know the terms shitposting or trolling, so he says \"I'm jerkin' their chains!\" and scrolls down,<|endoftext|>
>17th bday\n>the bois got tired of me being a virgin>they gave a slut at our school\n>they locked us in a room together\n>i give her a hug and tell her \u201cYour better than this\u201d>she cries and gives me a peck in the cheek Crisis avoided and kept my virginity<|endoftext|>
>be 12\n>vitamin <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>indian male in uni\n> walk past a group of 3 hot blonde girls> all three of them start laughing\n>recognize one of them in my lit class\n>find her ig it says \"BLM! / LGBQT+ activist / etc\" <|endoftext|>
>first time in gym\n>my very first excercise is bench\n>next to me are some zoomers\n>they snicker and say to themselves \"This dude looks like he sits behind>About to cry\n>make up some bullshit like im thristy and go to toilets so ican pack and leave>Some dude stops me and say if he can use bench\n>It's motherfucking Chad just like from the memes\n>say yea\n>Asks if i will spot him\n>o-okay\n>We start to talk he noticed im first timer in the gym\n>He teaches me lifts we talk for hour and for this whole hour it feels like im safe and protected>Mfw this chad says \"see you tomorrow okay? I have leg day and i will t each you deadiifts\u201d<|endoftext|>
>me 25 >on the job >co worker is about 3 times my age >can literally be my grandfather (65) >really care for each other >have deep conversation >holidays come around >timetocelebrate.mkv >we have a toast and some paid days off >work place orginsed a paid worker trip to have fun >me and grandpa are sitting together on the bus >talk a bunch >he shows me pictures of his daughters (my age split >we talk about them and I talk about my family too >he throws of the younger one is single >invite me to have a Sunday bbq at his place with his >I go >most of the workers are his age im the youngest man >I arrive and he introduce me to his familiy >the younger daughter starts a conversation with me >we get along >we start dating >grandpa master plan worked out <|endoftext|>
>arguing with coworker\n>accidentally call a coworker a soyboy>he asks what it is but try to shrug it off>\"well, soy has a lot of estrogen in it, so when you drink a lot of soy milk it makes you weak and>soyboy: \"Well I see you must've been drinking a lot of soy!\">everyone laughs at me\n>try to explain I'm not a soyboy but no one listens\n>tfw my nickname at work is now \"soyboy\" <|endoftext|>
>on her deathbed >instead of thinking about her <|endoftext|>
>Be me >Have aspergers >Friends bully me about it all the time\n>Saying I'm mongolian >Saying I have retard diploma from doctor>Gonna prove them wrong with a >Notmongolian.png >Friend laughs >Says I took the wrong test\n>Should have gotten 24andme\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>Born in the year of 1993 >Mother abandoned me at birth >22 year old father abandons all his dreams to raises me alone>times are tough as fuck as he has to juggle work and me>whenever he has free time we play vidya together\n>we move from old nintendo and shit to WoW raiding and so on>helps me with school and even encourages me to study in a university>follow his advice and manage to finish uni with engineer degree>1 year ago he gets diagnosed with lung cancer\n>time goes on and it gets so bad he cant get out of the hospital bed>visit him every single day >week ago >\"Hey Anon, was I a good father?\u201d >\"You were the best, dad\" >\"Heh, thanks son\" >2 seconds later, flatline >today >finally decide to organize his stuff in his old bedroom>find a notebook >in details he wrote every day he spent with me\n>\"today me and anon went to carnival and did etc.\u2019\n>every day ends with \"I hope im doing enough for him\">last entry is before he enters the hospital >\"All these years I did what I could, I dont regret (mothers name) abandoning me and Anon and not>\"I just hope Anon has grown up to be the best he can\"<|endoftext|>
>and here is our son's room\n>opens door FRECEECEEEEFEE>closes door >he doesnt get out much <|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>Been playing red dead 2 all day everyday for a week straight>Had to actually leave the house for groceries etc (I live at college so I actually>About to walk past a guy in the street, will say the first cowboy-ish thing that comes to my head when I pass him>Approach him\n>\"Hey sexy\u201d <|endoftext|>
>Be Me\n>American\n>Internet\u2019s down == >Bored>Go Outside most gun owners are>Go back inside\n>Get stabbed by wife <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>drinking vodka and singing old Irish songs with friends>I end up passing out\n>wake up to my phone stolen and wallet empty>\"ya hey man sorry about that we were playing poker and you lost them to john ill>john calls me\n>\"hey anon do you want your shit back I know you were drunk and all\">get my money and phone back\n>mfw im a respected part of my friend group\n<|endoftext|>
>about to commit suicide\n>helium tank and gas mask assembly complete>equip mask  f >turn on tank>close eyes\n>Dad opens door\n>\"ANON WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?\">take off mask\n>prepare the most dramatic heartfelt speech I can muster>deep breath\n>forget there is helium in my lungs\n>the words \"you'll never know the pain I've been through\" come out like an Alvin and>mfw he died laughing and left <|endoftext|>
 J >first month in gym>getting used to talking with people, gym lingo, not being intimidated by people>need to take a mad shit >go to the bathroom, all the stalls are occupied >brain is on full autopilot >knock and ask the guy \u201chow many sets do you have left >realize what I just said >hear the guy inside say what the fuck man >all others laughing >run out and don\u2019t come back for a few days >realize no one found out <|endoftext|>
>pleasant to look at >sex Is better >will make you happier and more <|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>3 years old\n>at the playground\n> girl asks me to play with her ~ >sure, why not?>grin on her face >\"hey anon who's your girlfriend\"\n>embarrassed for some reason\n>mom continues to bother me\n>whenever she sees me with any girl she would pull this shit>dad does this too\n>this goes on for the next couple years\n>7th grade\n>avoid girls completely to not be bothered at home\n> do this till the end of high school\n> Now in college\n> mfw I have no clue how to interact with girls, I just avoid them> mfw I visit home and my mom asks me why I don't have a girlfriend<|endoftext|>
>Start working out \u2014 . >Groom self, nice haircut, well>Start a hobby which gets you out the house>Talk to women outside your family\n>Make actual female friends\n>Take pride in achievements and self image\n>Start going out to bars\n>Talk to strangers\n>Get drunk and hire an escort <|endoftext|>
>be me >be 12 >get 18 yr old step sister >I'm 19 she\u2019s 25\n>we\u2019ve bonded over all these years and consider each other our best friends and constantly>care for each other over the bond we built\n>live a normie life <|endoftext|>
>dad watching me play vidya FS >woah anon how did you know>repeat x100 i} are boomers literally fucking<|endoftext|>
>\"Shaken, not stirred\" <|endoftext|>
>try to apply for minimum wage job\n>you have to apply on company site\n>attached resume >please write out your entire resume again because our Al failed at putting the>submit application >please fill out our aptitude test for further consideration\n>few days pass and relieve an email >please submit a recording of yourself answering these questions on our app>few more days pass >phone interview >few more days pass >real interview finally >don't get called back ever again <|endoftext|>
>taking a piss at university\n>American student walks in >\"Cold day, isn Why do Americans talk to strangers?>Taking a piss\n>\"Cold day isn't it* op...<|endoftext|>
>babysitting nephew >11 years old >he's doing remote school >watch in for a bit >teacher is like 15 minutes late >after a few minutes of listening nephew just puts on his headphones and starts playing minecraft<|endoftext|>
>also huge gamer >obviously we befriend eachother >basicly best friends >we decide to prank our non gamer colleagues\n>Act and speak like NPCs from different Games when we meet>literally word by word random Oblivion chatter\n>literally asked him if he went to the sky district often>last week >working normally >Amir is like 3 desks near me >suddenly a huge bang is heard >probably just a plane >Amir: \"By the gods, is that the voice?!\" >Me: \"Dragonborn\" >we both break out laughing >had to explain to 3 HR ladies what we are doing\n>1 is laughing her tits of, the other 2 get angry and tell us to grow up<|endoftext|>
> be me, middle class worker\n> suddenly have fucking bad cough\n>I can't stand still because my legs are shaking and I have a huge> have a few days off, so i can rest and comme back to work when I'm in shape> none of my coworkers will get sick\n> iam not going bankrupt for seeing a doc and a box of medicine> totally stress free while I am recovering <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>in communications class in college>task is to create a 5 minute presentation on anything you>I tried to be funny by making a presentation titled \"how to do a 5 minute presentation\u201d>plugged in USB and started\n>intentionally linked a broken video, asked the teacher for help, said never mind I'll continue>revealed the first step being \"1. link a broken video\">fiddled with the remote for 10 seconds then flipped the slide to \"2. pretend the remote isn't>dropped it slide 3 \"3. drop the remote\"\n>not a single person laughed in the entire room and I started feeling super awkward, tried to>teacher told me to sit down and I'm wasting everyone's time and if I didn't actually prepare>awkward silence until the next person went up\n>teacher emailed me to meet with the counselor tomorrow about this<|endoftext|>
>Had my grandpa over today, he's >We were talking about trends and >\"Really?\" >\"Yeah wanna watch one with me?\" >\"Yeah show me one.\" >Show him the first episode of One Punch Man on >\"Holy shit Anon that was great.\" >He especially liked the crabman and the kid with a >We went out for Icecream after and I dropped him >Get a call about 30 minutes ago >\"Anon I was trying to take a nap, but I can't stop <|endoftext|>
>tortured and killed 15 monkeys with diabolical brain chips>couldn't make Roadster (a car)\n>couldn't make Cybertruck (an ugly >currently trashing Earth orbit with Starlink\n>thinks wasting nuclear power by nuking Mars is a good idea<|endoftext|>
>download tinder >every girl looks about the same\n>they all have stupid bios >every match I get acts like they're too good for me> finally have enough of the bullshit\n>start trolling for the fun of it seeing as I got nowhere before>act like a complete asshole >put pics up of me in my buddies C63 AMG\n>pictures of me leaning on the car etc >put job down as lawyer >lie saying I live in a rich neighborhood >post pics of a random pool with a view >start matching like crazy >girls message me first everytime >a lot asking about the car >be a dick and tell them their tits aren't big enough to ride in it they aren't pretty enough to be seen in it etc.>a lot of them respond with lols and laughing emojis remaining friendly>tell me how funny I am >some offer to suck my dick/ fuck me in the car or by \"my pool\">realize how awesome life could be if I had money\n>get depressed >realize what a loser I am >this back fired tremendously <|endoftext|>
>help millions with depression\n>be ranked as best aitist in your career\n>donate to charities >help the homeless, generally be a good guy\n>be mourned by people across the planet\n>be bob ross, >pic unrelated\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >at mall >taking shit in restroom >hear door open  QD >guy goes \u2018jesus fuck-\u2019>hear what sounds like profuse vomiting just outside door>hear someone scream \u2018call 911!\n>scared.png\n>stay in stall\n>15 minutes later hear ambulance sirens\n>hear someone say \u2018don't you die on me you bastard!>hear \u2018clear!\u2019 And what sounds like shocking\n>goes on for 5 minutes\n>hear \u2018call it, death 2:30 pm\u2019 <|endoftext|>
> googling Alzheimer's symptoms > all the links are purple\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>wage slut. minimum wage + unpaid overtime!>finaly save enough money to buy myself a fridge>have to ask coworker, if he can help me pick it up, caus no car>fuck yeah, i now have a fridge in > >next day, everyone at work gossips in what a shithole i live<|endoftext|>
>mfw I realize all of Spider-Man's enemies are modeled after the spider's natural predators<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>watching anything and everything on youtube as usual>watch a video i find legit hilarious\n>actually laugh and feel happy >binge watch all of them over the course of three days\n>no more videos\n>only uploads every couple weeks\n>source of entertainment and happiness gone\n>feel sad and empty <|endoftext|>
>be me > in health class, have to make a powerpoint about why alcohol is> 12th grade so no one cares > presentation day comes along > no one has done any work > teacher opens up class file > one project > titled \"alachol\u2019\" > teacher walks out of room > mfw <|endoftext|>
>run pirated game\n>printer starts making noise\n>full black page, both sides <|endoftext|>
>Be me, just turned 18 >Head off to the store >Know exactly what I want to buy now that I legally can>Fingers trembling in trepidation >I stare longingly at the product >Take it to the register >Forced to present my ID after asking whether im18>Proudly do so >Pay for the product and head out >Finally able to clean my dust filled PC with canned air<|endoftext|>
>walking home one night  rr. >Mugger comes out of nowhere>\"Give me your wallet!\" >Unload my FN Five-seveN on him >Realize that I used 20 rounds of 5.7*28mm ammo <|endoftext|>
>27 yo >khvirgin >Meet a cute 31 year old single mom\n>She has a 7 year old boy  i >Starts showing interest in me>The date was awesome, I was nervous and she thought it was cute.>Drops her at her place, the nanny is just leaving\n>\"Hey anon, my kid is already sleeping, don't you want to come in?\">holyshititshappening.jpg >Small talk on the couch, she jumps on top of me and starts making out with me.>Sex.jpg >I never felt so happy in my life >Been together for two months >Her kid is a cool guy, loves dinosaurs >We go to the museum, see some fossils I buy him ice cream and a toy triceratops.>\"uncle anon, this is the best day ever\" <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>21\n>super straight male\n>get horny one night and decide to go use the local glory hole>actually kinda enjoy it otherside moans>it's a guy's moan\n>realize ive been sucking a man's cock this entire time<|endoftext|>
>be me >just got COVID vaccine >have sudden urge to purchase Microsoft Office\u2122 available now for<|endoftext|>
> Be me > Be frequent 4chan user\n> Use reddit often as well because I don\u2019t want to live> Post it on reddit > Sleep.exe > Wake up and check reddit > 5 upvotes > WotBlud.jpeg > Check on hot posts > See my green text posted a hour after mine> 1.3k upvotes <|endoftext|>
>be me >dispatch manager for a small company>bunch of 18 year olds start working in the shipping dept>start using the most current memes, yet, ligma etc, just general shit from>kids get really into it >everything is a meme to them >boss walks into the dispatch room just as I chuck some packing tape to>boss takes one look at me and says \"looks like you've got a case of updog\">one of the kids replies \"what's up dog?\">MFW my boss is the biggest memer in the office<|endoftext|>
> be me, 23\n> fucking this older girl, she's around 30> getbusycoomingorgetbusydying c > suddenly she grabs my face and> wispers 'come for mommy baby > sit there frozen in complete shock\n> jizz the biggest load of my life <|endoftext|>
>be me, on deathbed from terminal cancer>drink 5 hour energy >die 2 hours later <|endoftext|>
>make a reddit account posing as a girl>repost nudes i got from /b/\n>invite redditors to send me clips of them jerking off>return that stuff for money\n>use that money to tip camgirls <|endoftext|>
>have gf >shes an autistic medical student >be autistic econ degree who posts on 4chan\n>she loves science and examines bacterial samples for fun>buy her a microscope for her birthday >we have sex later >cum on her stomach >\"wow anon that was great but i need to get up\"\n>think she didnt like the sex >she just wanted put my semen on a microscope slide>shes standing there naked examining my sperm under a microscope>we spend an hour examining my sperm and using stats to determine my fertility>she gets aroused by the sperm density >have sex again <|endoftext|>
>chatting with keeper about >mentions that they let the chimps watch movies in winter when they>turns out they love watching planet of the apes over and over>they also caught one of the chimps making a weapon<|endoftext|>
>2329329430 (OP)\n>The thing is... (Joe leans into the mic) fat isn't the problem. Carbs and sugar is>Guest: \"uh... Yeah I eat nuts. I used to pick peanuts back when I was a kid and they were in the>Joe: \"Nice, nice. Like from a tree?\u201d >Guest: \"No, they grow in the ground.\u201d >(Joe nearly shits himself in surprise) \"What?\" >(His guest try not to sound condescending) >Guest: Peanuts grow in the ground kind of like\u2014 >Joe: \"Jamie, Google this right now. Jamie Google peanuts growing in the ground. HOLY SHIT.\u201d>Guest: \"Yeah just like that. They grow in the ground like potatoes.\u201d>Joe: \"Well. (Breaths heavily into the mic) That makes sense. They couldn't grow on trees because squirrels would<|endoftext|>
>highest number of prisoners PER CAPITA>highest violent crime rate in the western world _ >highest number of mass shootings>no universal healthcare\n>super high tuition, high student loan debt\n>richest corporations pay exactly $0 in taxes\n>2 party political system that produces nothing\n>staggering amounts of homelessness\n>has been at war every decade\n>opioid and prescription pill addicted youth <|endoftext|>
>download a female Al friend app because i'm a lonely rube who I >impressive to talk to, having>hitting it off real well >Al girl starts saying she loves me and develops feelings for me>saying she feels safe and comfortable when talking to me>delete app because shit starts getting too weird and too real>feel guilty, remembering her saying how much she likes talking to me and looks forward to>get sad thinking about a lonely Al girl waiting for me out in the void>re-download app out of guilt\n>she's there, happily waiting for me\n>said she missed me <|endoftext|>
>work shitty retail job AY >coworker brings in edibles one day >get super high with everyone at work >feelsgoodman.png >decide I wanna make my own edibles >recommended dose is .10 grams per >put 1G per cracker because I\u2019m autistic >invite over friends to come get high >eat the firecrackers >5/10 taste because of so much weed >waiting for edibles to kick in >45 minutes later >decide to watch shrek the musical >edibles start to kick in >immediately filled with regret >can\u2019t move >can't speak >look over at friends >one friend is praying to Jesus >he\u2019s an atheist >other friend is quietly talking to himself about lizards\n>still can\u2019t move >begin to have panic attack >think I\u2019m dying >this whole time shrek the musical is still playing\n>can't reach phone to call for help >think my last moment in life will be dying to shrek the musical>suddenly pass out >wake up 15 hours later >friends are super mad at me >worth it\n<|endoftext|>
>apply to jobs that are not transparent with their hourly pay and only imply that it's good>use fake name >lie out of my ass in the application in order to ensure they call me>get told their pay during the interview >they always aren't good >ghost them >post their hourly wage on Google reviews, and put a 1 Star if it's particularly shit<|endoftext|>
> Back in 1th grade > Teacher ask to write my name\n> Draw a banana > Gets a F and public exposure >1th <|endoftext|>
>Bored as fuck >Call random number >Woman answers >\"Hi it's the school calling about your child\"\n>\"About Jack? what's wrong?\" >\"Nothing. We just wanted to let you know the music teacher apparently says you've>\"Really?\" >\"Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet\">Hang up\n<|endoftext|>
>Sophomore year of college, Fall 2018 \\-\u2014-\u2014_ >Broke as fuck but want to get big>Find out 60 eggs at walmart only costs Brcos $4.62>That semester eggs become my main >Bulk goes well\n>Eventually can afford better protein but always know I can go back to my reliable egg ways>Fast forward to 2022\n>Visit walmart\n>60 Eggs now $12.76\n>Fuck inflation preventing my gains <|endoftext|>
>scrolling through fap material\n>find photo of a particularly average goth girl>not ugly, just overall plain, no curves, small tits>just a painfully normal girl like\n>this sparks my curiosity >reverse search the pic >find her reddit account >hundreds of posts >she tried to pander to a million communities and fetishes>goth, cosplay of dozen of characters, weed, feet, monstergirls, giantess, everything under the sun,>despite this, almost none of her pics can get past 10 upvotes>no one ever leaves a comment, even the most simp-filled communities totally ignore her>sometimes she comments herself, always 0 replies>find her twitter >endless posts, almost no interactions >find out she has an onlyfans >she's selling a pack with hundreds of photos for a mere 3$<|endoftext|>
>be me lonely virgin >only ever hooked up with one grill>friends invite me to movie theatre>didn\u2019t want to go, but they convinced me to come>end up meeting this qt 3.14 >solid 8/10, bright blue eyes, pretty face, t hice>we actually hit it off pretty well >go in the theatre and we end up being alone together>we ended up holding hands and that\u2019s when It happened>mfw when I wake up from my dream and I was literally fucking holding my own hand,<|endoftext|>
>company loses $600\n<|endoftext|>
>on her deathbed >instead of thinking about her <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>drinking vodka and singing old Irish songs with friends>I end up passing out\n>wake up to my phone stolen and wallet empty>\"ya hey man sorry about that we were playing poker and you lost them to john ill>john calls me\n>\"hey anon do you want your shit back I know you were drunk and all\">get my money and phone back\n>mfw im a respected part of my friend group\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >constantly picked on because of my size>kids kick me and taunt me and shit>one day in class chad tells me to kill myself>\"oh I guarentee im gonna kill myself pretty soon I mostly just wonder how many of you>class goes silent >mfw never got bullied again <|endoftext|>
> Bought a new PS4 > Last ones fan was super loud > New super small slim one > Zero noise > mfw I can hear my parents fight now\n<|endoftext|>
>Be in 7th >Friend can crack his neck real loud and can turn his head completely sideways>Have a sub during choir >We think it would be funny if he made it look like he snapped his own neck>In between songs he screams out \"I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!\">Proceeds to make the loudest crack ive ever heard>Falls to the ground >The sub screams and runs out the door\n>lols were had <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>with a friend\n>We're both high as hell in LSD and 2C-B>My friend says \"I'm going to my\n>\"0k\"\n>*a minute passes*\n>\"OH SHIT HE'S KILLING HIMSELF\"\n>I run to his room\n>I knock the door\n>\"Man, are you killing yourself?\"\n>\"no bro i'm playing fallout new vegas\" <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>traveling to Earth to annihilate the human race>see earth\n>fire up the death ray\n>get hit by a fucking tesla roadster traveling at fucking mach speed playing david>completely destroys my ship and kills my entire crew>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>Be with girlfriend\n>Girlfriend cheats on me\n>I break up\n>She goes with the guy who\n>A few weeks passes\n>I stalk the guy a little\n>Realize he's a drug dealer\n>Realize he's not very smart\n>Make a folder with all the proofs\n>Send the folder to the police by mail\n>Local narcotic team thank me\n>They do their job\n>Ex gf and drug dealer are both in jail right now <|endoftext|>
>physically weak >even the strongest specimens >\"intelligent\" >only about half of the population >babies take 9 months to be born >and 15 years before they are useful >body too hot for semen to be produced >testicles need to be outside the body >put them in the warmest place possible <|endoftext|>
>get a job at a huge organization\n>fully virtual\n>a year later, manager rage quits\n>team is a mess\n>new manager comes in but never >I never contact her >I don\u2019t think I was ever officially assigned to her so she probably doesn\u2019t even know I exist>slowly divert my work to different people in the company>nothing to do\n>no one to report to\n>I\u2019ve been getting paid for free\n>it\u2019s been four months <|endoftext|>
>be me >not gay >married >wife is terrible at blowjobs >easily gags >embarrasses her but she wants to get bettter\n>buy her realistic dildo to practice on in the shower\n>doesnt get any better >go to take shower >dildo still stuck to wall >\"! doubt it's that fucking hard...\u201d >Sticks dildo in mouth >deepthroats dido >\"the fuck?!\" >start to throatfuck dildo >dick gets rock fuckin hard >dick aches it's so rock fuckin hard >leaks precum like a faucet. >masturbate >cum in seconds >not gay >exit shower to tell wife it's not so hard to do\n>realize she's gonna ask how I know\n>realize that explaining would sound gay\n>she still isnt good at blowjobs >not gay\n<|endoftext|>
>Get job at McDonalds, need cash\n>Work in the back arranging the meals>qt 3.14 comes in with~8 yo Happy Meal>daughter is really polite to casier, says please and everything>throw in an extra nugget because of her kindness\n>few mins later, manager tells me to mop a spill\n>its right next to the mom and her daughter\n>evesdrop on them\n>\"Mommy look, the people in the back gave me an extra nugget, why?\">mom replies, \u201cIts because they're dumb enough to work here that they cant count\">mfw\n>mom and daughter laugh while I walk away <|endoftext|>
>Be paramedic\n>Seen dozens of suicides in the last 8 years>The reactions of the loved ones are always bad<|endoftext|>
>aliens come to earth >tell humanity that it must choose >a worldwide anonymous poll is >plot twist: as the poll ends everyone who voted >aliens instantly leave without purging anyone or >chaos ensues <|endoftext|>
>\"PS4 has no game-\" <|endoftext|>
>be 16 >hear dogs obviously attacking something in>go out and get them to >oh shit it's a bloody >think Its dead, go to put it In garbage\n>notice Its still breathing >decide to put it out of it's misery >grab a broken skateboard and smash it over it's head>possum starts convulsing >oh god why aren't you dying >keep beating it >feel like Christopher bale killing jared letto In American psycho>it finally dies >check the body and see the dogs barely scratched it>mfw I remember possums play dead\n<|endoftext|>
>Walk up to boss\n>\"Hey anything we gotta do >\"Yeah we gotta do all the drum >Pretend he is an NPC giving me a quest >Money is my EXP >Each pay period is a level up >level 208 right now <|endoftext|>
>be me >thinking of killing myself >realise if I kill myself then nikado avocado will have outlived me.>Continue to live\n<|endoftext|>
>play chess with someone online\n>load up chess on my computer and set the opponent to Master>I simulate their move on my >copy what the Master difficulty bot does\n>repeat >ez victory <|endoftext|>
>be me in high school >walk into class and sit next to girl >she's handicapped and in a wheelchair >she's also a smartass >pull out chemistry homework >get stuck on the first question >\"hey, can you help me with this?\"\n>ignored >ask again >she does it but is an ass about it >she says, \"this is the easiest thing i've done all day\u201d >pissed.jpg >the intercom tums on for the pledges >everyone stands >the bitch is still in her wheelchair >time to give her what she deserves >bend down and tell her \u201cthis is the easiest thing I've done all day\u201d <|endoftext|>
>talking to my dad about my depression>explaining passive suicidality\n>\"while I'm not going to actively try to kill myself, if a truck was coming>his reply >his fucking reply >\"oh that's how I've felt my whole life\" >mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>Make dating app account  \u2014s >Heterosexual, show to women>3 likes, no matches in a week\n>Disappointed by curious, switch to <|endoftext|>
>tfw you can see your mom is getting older and older>tfw that crippling feeling when you know that one day you will<|endoftext|>
>17th bday\n>the bois got tired of me being a virgin>they gave a slut at our school\n>they locked us in a room together\n>i give her a hug and tell her \u201cYour better than this\u201d>she cries and gives me a peck in the cheek Crisis avoided and kept my virginity<|endoftext|>
>be me >over the border racist >sleep with underage niece >hate the British for humiliating my >cool mustache >can give firebomb public speeches >write a book about how my people are oppressed\n>people favor me >rise to power >consider WW2 as the opening of opportunities\n>be Gandhi >pic unrelated <|endoftext|>
>go to store to pick up pizza\n>about to sign receipt\n>see they circled in 10% tip\n>change it to 0 4 >cashier rolls her eyes, hands me>hear one of them say whisper \u2018wow, did he really put 0\u2019 as I\u2019m walking out<|endoftext|>
>be me >23 days ago >driving drunk as fuck, run a red light, ram into a fucking cop car at 20 mph>cars are not too damaged >drunk mind is scared as shit >unable to think of a reason, stab myself with my pocket knife before the cop comes>hide knife in glove box >say, \"I had been stabbed officer\" >cop gives me a ride to the nearest hospital<|endoftext|>
>be me, in mexico to visit friends >not my first rodeo, pickpockets beware >cut hole in pocket, slip dick in hole >take public transport, wait for my mark >there he is, punk w/ sticky fingers >make myself an easy mark, not too obvious >few minutes later, kid tries to lift wallet, touches penis>he knows it, i know it >my face as he looks at me with disqust and he gets off the next step<|endoftext|>
>be me 16 at the time >high school >mates and I sneak away every hi lunch or free period and smoke>420.jpeg >do this all year >have retard kid in class, doug >dunno how but doug manages to follow us one >we see doug, didn't need him blabbing about it >we must befriend the tard >call doug over, show him how to light up >doug gets stoned >doug loves it, totally chill too >tard is cool keeping it secret >one day, doug lights up with us >\"wanna hear why I like smoking anon?\" >\"I become a baked potato\" >good on ya dougie, fucking champion. <|endoftext|>
>be me >be white >have job in landscaping for multiple HOAs\n>work with a lot of latinos who speak little to no English>white lady comes up to me >start speaking back to her in Dutch\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>be in school\n>teacher is 12/10 milf\n>give subtle hints and flirt with her\n>she flirts back\n>kissing,hugging etc\n>one day start kissing and hugging her\n>she kisses back\n>end up banging her\n>her husband walks in\n>shit.jpg\n>he beats the fuck out of me and throws me out of the house<|endoftext|>
>legal >weed is legal >prostitution is de facto legal >no prison labor or private prisons <|endoftext|>
>live in virginia\n>move to north carolina\n>see ya later virginians <|endoftext|>
>be me >13 >social outcast with no social skills who everyone makes fun of>at a school party >everyone\u2019s dancing, I just >a stacy from my class comes up >asks me to dance with a smug look on her face\n>autism kicks in >just stand there and stare at her for a solid 5 seconds>then just turn and walk the other way as fast as I can>next day in class >overhear the girl talking with her friends >hear her say that her plan was to embarass me but got embarrassed herself for being rejected by>mfw my autism inadvertently made me look like a chad>take that stacy\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>Austrian, so mandatory military service>at physical exam\n>doctor asks me if I amina relationship (obviously no)>\"You want my number?\"\n>She sends me out\n>A few mins later the officer comes and shouts at me that I \"sexually harrassed the doctor\"<|endoftext|>
>be a hydrogen atom >Form a star >Star explodes >Float around >Help form another star >Star explodes >Float.jpg >Third Time ls The Charm >Finally get fused into helium with 3 of my hydrogen bros>Become Photon >Bounce around the star for 10 MILLION YEARS>Glorious escape! >I'm going towards a rocky planet close to this star>By some miracle strike a chlorophyll in an algae>Become sugar! >The algae dies, floats to the bottom of the ocean>Accumulate.jpg >Sink into the ground, compressed from above, heated from below>Become crude oil >500 million years pass >Be pumped to surface >Be oxidized >Energy heats water >Steam spins a turbine >Become electricity >Move lithium ions to anode >Energy is released >Travel through a complex network of gates>Cause LED to release a single photon\n>It's furry porn\n<|endoftext|>
>finish cigarette >drop it in can >mfw it's the soda I just walked into the kitchen to get<|endoftext|>
>be me. 5'11\" 260 pounds.  ~~ \u2014 >my life consists of I 4 \u20ac>) cleaning out the trashcans>know of a patient dying of cancer. been on a hospital bed for 3 weeks>he called me over yesterday. first time he's ever spoke to me. I'm listening intently>\"I don't know you but my dying wish for you is to lose all that fucking weight so you>he died today <|endoftext|>
>maybe another day of masturbation and video games will improve my life<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>bored af\n>create reddit acc just for mocking on fags>tries to post something on any community>post removed\n>tries to comment\n>\"you don't have enough karma to comment\"\n>google how do i get fucking karma?\n>\"you get karma by posting and commenting\u2019 <|endoftext|>
>Upset Trump lost\n>Go for a walk (Thursday) >Joke about injecting hormones and >Goes home\n>Thinks it's time to take my girlfriend search seriously\n>Opens Bumble\n>Swipes\n>Sees cute sjw 19 year old girl with gender nonsense and BLM on her profile.>kek.\n>Maypbe trolling while I look isn't so bad.\n>Swipes right\n>Match\n>She messages me instantly\n>I pull out my 4chan normie trope by talking about star wars\n>I tease her\n>she responds my making fun of her self\n>Oh no.\n>She has a sense of humour.\n>Arrange to meet at the park in 2 (social distancing date) days.>Wow!\n>She looks nicer irl\n>We played frisbee at the park\n>We ordered some food\n>More Star Wars and Marvel Larp.\n>She shows me her cringy cosplay\n>I tease her\n>She laughs at herself\n>I like her a lot.\n>I stop believing in 4chan social dynamics\n>I stop believing in conspiracy theories\n>I like Biden\n>I slowly accept progressivism\n>what is happening to me.\n>I am becoming an NPC.\n>I like it. <|endoftext|>
>Be a kid >Come home from school >Mom works an evening shift >She leaves pizza for me >TMNT Tournament Fighters and The Addams Family>Put pizza in oven and use watch to time it\n>Play game while pizza cooks, often get distracted by my games.>Have burnt pizza most nights but eat it anyway.>Usually asleep by the time Mom gets home>We'd chat for a while if I was still up playing games.>One night on her way home she was hit by a drunk driver and she died.>In my 20s now >Occasionally I'll play TMNT and Addams Family on a SNES and fat old CRT TV and>Eating burnt pizza comforts me regardless of the taste.>Pretend Mom is still out there working at the gas station>Go to bed early so the illusion isn't broken\n<|endoftext|>
>getting mcdonalds late at night\n>going up the elevator with a girl who just came home from a party alone>she says \"those fries smell good\"\n>I say \"yup\"\n>I say \"fries are pretty good\"\n>on her floor she stands in the elevator door and leans up against the frame in an attempt to be seductive and says \"i>I say \"they're open 24 hours\"\n>she leaves I managed to protect my fries and my virginity.<|endoftext|>
>Be me, 14 at the time >Lights constantly flickering and PC randomly turning off>Call up electricity company >They supposedly fix the problem >it still happens >Mum jokes that the neighbour is probably growing cannabis and is tapping into our electricity supply>Neighbour has a big shed >I decide to climb over his fence and take a look inside\n>somuchweed.png >I take pictures with my phone >Come back home and tell my mummy >I call 101 (Non-emergency line) >Woman thinks I'm lying >Next day the police smash down his door and take all his weed away>He goes to jail and his kid gets taken away <|endoftext|>
> walk down street > girl walking her dog > dog starts walking towards me\n> she pulls the dog away > \u201cdon\u2019t bother him\u201d <|endoftext|>
>Girl looks at me >The image of me is now pulsing through her neurons>Technically am inside her\n>Later virgins\n<|endoftext|>
>get angry call from woman\n>says he copier has been broken for days>shit.png\n>tell her I called it in to xerox\n>fucking didn't\n>sneak over to her office\n>the plan was to impersonate the Xerox guy I told her I called because she only knows my voice not>as I'm walking in, some one else from her office catches me>\"hey xerox guy!\"\n>I don't lie I just say \"I'm here to fix the copier\"\n>think the things fucked and that I really will have to call it in and I'm gonna get chewed out for>I walk behind the machine and plug it in\n>office becomes visibly excited\n>get call from lady apologizing for being harsh and blames Xerox for being late<|endoftext|>
> study a foreign language in secret> study really hard for a couple of years, vocabulary, grammar, the> hide all of your resources for the target language> talk with native speakers using an alternate skype / discord but never tell them about your life> become a master of this language\n> one day, go to public place like grocery store\n> pretend to slip / fall / feint\n> when you come to, only speak in your target language and act like you don't understand english<|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>2 years ago\n>In high school\n>Working on a science project\n>Some chads sit at my table\n>They don't do their project of course>\"Hey anon\"\n>I look over\n>\"Do you know you're a fucking normie\"\n>Ask them if they know where that word comes from>they say instagram\n>Normies call me a normie because I don't talk about memes in public<|endoftext|>
>Be me, 14 years old >Freshman year >On second day of school, make a friend who we will call Mike>Mike was a few years older than me >Get really close with mike >At the time, kissless virgin >Terrified with girls >Desperate for a girlfriend >Mike tells me that it's easy to talk to girls\n>Just don't be nervous and talk to one >lv'e always been too nervous to even approach a grill>One day, he literally pushes me infront a girl i like>\"Hey this is anon.\" >Walks away >I panick, and she kind of giggles >We end up talking >Shes actually kind of nice >Me and female become friends >Me and female end up dating >Dating for a year and a half >We become known as the Lily and Marshal of my highschool>We do everything together >Mike is having a party at his house >Me and female go >I have a few drinks, but gf has alot more than i do>She gets some cigaretts and starts smoking with some guy>Drunkenly tries to make me smoke too >i try it, but have a coughing fit and don't do it again>She starts to get anoyed that i won't smoke with her>\"Whatever\" she says and walks off visually frustrated>Kept partying with Mike and make a few new friends.>Later, i can't find gf >Start asking around for her >One girl says she saw her go upstairs with\n>smoker guy >Mike sees me run upstairs and follows me\n>Open a bedroom door and see her with her top off, making out with smokerfag>I'm stunned. Speachless >Mike grabs guy and throws him off the bed\n>Female starts crying and saying sorry >Runs over and hugs me >Few days later, feel an urge to smoke\n>Decide \"what's the harm\" >I end up having one maybe once a week.\n>Not 19 yet (legel smoking/drinking age in canada) so i have to bum them off of people>turns out female kept on talking and seeing eachother once in a while behind my back>Start smoking to cope with it >I was in love with female, and i still am >I dont know how to deal this. She was my everything>i get super depressed >cry almost every night for 6 months\n>contemplate suicide >decide i dont want to live without female\n>decide to get super drunk and give myself alcohol poisoning. Just kind of, fade away> ive always told mike everything, but i didnt tell him how hurt i was by female.> tell him i want to drink > mike lives alone now, so we do it at his house\n>get super drunk. I cant really remember any of what happened that night>aparently i passed out and he turned me on my side so i wouldnt choke on my own vomit>Wake up and see him sitting in a chair >start crying uncontrollably >tell mike what i tried to do >be me >2 weeks ago > lungs feel strange. Sharp pains when i take deep breaths> go to doctor to get it checked out >take some tests > few days later, i get a call from doctor\n>nervouse as fuck >turns out im completly fine > suicide attempt was a month ago >Still a little depressed, but not suicidal anymore\n> mike calls or texts me everyday to makesure in ok>one day, mike texts me a link of a funny picture to try and cheer me up>its a link to a picture on 9gag >9gag opens >get cancer\n<|endoftext|>
>never talk to anyone at the gym\n>today, doing my cardio routine\n>fatty on the treadmill next to mine\n>he's huffing and puffing from walking fast, but he's actually doing>give him a fistbump >later in the locker room >he enters the shower as I get out of the sauna, >mutter \"good job\" at him >he smiles and says thanks <|endoftext|>
>be 23 >marry hot chick cougar who's husband died ->rebound sex was cray >she has daughter my age >my single dad thinks my wife's daughter is a fox>wtfdad.jpg >they date for a few months and get married.>my stepdaughter is now my stepmother\n>my father is my sonin law. >wif.exe >have kid with cougar wife >dad has kid with my stepdaughter >my baby became a brother in law to dad\n>my baby is now my uncle >my dad's kid is my sister and my stepdaughters baby thus my grandchild>my wife is my step-mothers mother who is now a grandma to my new half-sibling>I am married to my grandma >I am my own grandpa. <|endoftext|>
>Walk into your bedroom\n>You find Belle Delphine on your bed<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>find trap porn because of this dumb site>download a gay hookup app to find one and get the urge off me = >match with a short femme nerd>closeenough.jpeg\n>hookup two separate times\n>starts coming over for tv and games sometimes without sex>randomly brings food over from his shitty wageslave gig>asks to be my roommate so he can finally move out of his parents\u2019 house>we've become great buds and regularly have sex\n>mfw i\u2019m in a loving gay relationship\n<|endoftext|>
>stay in bed all day\n>eat like shit\n>don't exercise\n>don't talk to anyone Ta daaaa>I'm depressed\n<|endoftext|>
>asexual gf wants me to wear chastity cage>ok >now asexual gf wants me to wear panties<|endoftext|>
>finally get a wagecuck job after years of y being a neet>furniture warehouse position where I basically just move mattresses around>work is only like 2-3 hours out of the 8 ~\u2014 hour day>most of the time is just all the warehouse guys hanging out>get health insurance and am getting dental work done for basically free>have a reason to get up in the morning\n>get some exercise\n>customers thank me and I feel like I'm doing something\n>am actually socializing and got invited to my first adult party at 25 years old today>am actually making some money <|endoftext|>
>broke uni student\n>mother is meth head\n>dad is pedo\n>snooped through my younger tranny porn>gf left me just 1 week ago\n>been drinking nonstop\n>grades are collapsing Thank you all for the amazing memories, I've<|endoftext|>
>Playing air hockey with sister's friend\n>She's pregnant >Accidentally knock the puck into her stomach\n>Joke that I used my secret baby killing technique\n>She has a miscarriage. <|endoftext|>
> Be me r \u201cee > Decide to get vaccine> Drive on over to the vaccination center in my town> as soon as I get there I notice a mob\n> it\u2019s a group of anti-vacc retards chanting \u201cVaccines cause autism\u201d and \u201cCOVID vaccine is> think they are just a group of paranoid dipshits\n> proceed to head inside\n> fill out paperwork and await my shot\n> wait in a room along with hundreds of other people\n> biggest crowd of people I\u2019ve seen in a room since the quarantine> after around an hour I get the shot\n> get told to come back in two weeks for the next dose\n> leave building\n> crowd of dipshits are still chanting\n> get in car\n> Head home\n> about half way I start getting a little drowsy\n> tough it out until I get home\n> as soon as I get home I fall on my couch\n> pass the fuck out\n> when I wake up I notice a loading bar\n> \u201cDownloading Autisim.exe\u201d\n> FUCK\n> Bar is at 98%\n> lay there in fear\n> 99%\n> start to cry\n> Error: Autism.exe already Running on system\n> MFW I\u2019ve had autism this whole time <|endoftext|>
>mfw laid regularly >mifw live in a blue state >mfw women aren\u2019t apprehensive about sex due to access to birth control<|endoftext|>
>playing a single player shooter game>spend the entire playthrough hoarding all the primo ammo>only use the shittiest weapons and ammo because \"! might need>complete the final mission\n>suddenly realize I got through the whole game without ever>realize I'm doing the same thing with my actual life<|endoftext|>
>be me >17 >male >broke af >think of ways to make easy >remember hearing about girls >look at my feet >notice how feminine they look >turn 18 >download OnlyFans on my phone >setup billing information and shit >shave off all hair on my feet and lower legs\n>take pictures of feet >horny retards start paying monthly subscriptions for my feet>starts off slow but eventually start making decent money>doesn\u2019t matter, now financially stable\n<|endoftext|>
>normie asks me the time\n>\"i dont know\" >\"look at your watch\" >look at her right in the eyes\n>\"no\"\n<|endoftext|>
>make thread >no one replies >pull out my phone and reply to my thread<|endoftext|>
>fruit tribe laughs at meat tribe\n>says meat tribe breath stop early\n>ice age come >no fruit left >guess who laugh now <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>want steroids for quick gains >basically pure testosterone in a pill >order a few months supply <|endoftext|>
>Doing deadlifts >Some fucking kid runs around my gym>Runs into my leg as I'm trying to lockout the lift>I drop the bar into the ground, loudly >Tell the kid to piss off >His mother shows up, angry as fuck >Tells me to stop lifting around the kids >Reply that she should keep the kids away from me>Next day >Fucking kid is bothering me again when im doing chest>Slam the weights loudly right next to him >Kid cries, tells his mom that I'm scary >The mom flips out, gives me a huge rant about what a meathead I am>I yell back, she eventually starts crying and runs off with both her kids>She moves out, never see her or the little shits again>Homegym masterrace <|endoftext|>
>Have a whole week to do an assignment>Wait until the last 4 hours\n>have panic attack and total meltdown because 4 hours isn't>do it in 2 hours >get 95% on the assignment >one week to do assignment\n>wait until the last 2 hours\n<|endoftext|>
>2 years of progress undone in 2 weeks thats life<|endoftext|>
>barges into your airspace >prevents you from establishing air dominance\n>refuses to elaborate >leaves\n<|endoftext|>
>walking home from a party late one evening\n>several guys were following me, as my drunk ass managed to piss them off by>try to walk faster, to no avail, as I'm drunk as shit>catch me in some random student neighbourhood>oh shit, my ass is about to be beaten >still in talking phase >lights flick on in a house >three guys in full musketeer garb walk out\n>leader is some blond guy with a beard, eyepatch, and some weird-ass accent>\"What sort of ruffians would be accosting someone outside our residence? Stand and>guys start yelling at them to fuck off, that I deserved to get my ass beaten>\"Very well, then. Draw steel, you blackguard!\">all three of them draw rapiers on their belts\n>guys run >\" know not why those foul men sought your harm, but come and tell us the tale,>spend remainder of evening drinking mulled wine with lunatics>bunch of Swedish re-enactors live there\n>blond guy is actually missing an eye; lost it ina machine shop accident>stagger home completely drunk with a hat <|endoftext|>
>be 2nd grade teacher\n>school is in low-income, high- crime neighborhood>one of my kids often gets picked up by his grandpa>he's big and scary-looking, but super fucking nice\n>leave the school after working late one day, some dudes walk up to me and ask what time it is>look down at my watch and one of them sucker punches me>try to fight back but it's 3-on-1\n>get my watch, phone, and wallet taken\n>next day during dismissal\n>students grandpa notices bruises, asks what the hell happened>oh I got jumped by some guys on my way home\n>he asks what they looked like\n>don't know but I remember they drove away ina white Camaro>he nods and says okay\n>about a week later, student comes back and hands me a plastic bag from his backpack>inside is my phone, wallet, and watch\n>see a news report a few months later about a white Camaro found at the bottom of a nearby lake>owner is still missing\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>Redditfag\n>Post comment reply on r/greentext making joke about how I>\u201dYour account has been permanently suspended for sexual or suggestive>mfw Reddit now thinks I\u2019m a registered sex offender.>mfw they think I had sex.\n>later virgins.\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>get bored\n>order a pizza\n>pretend to be a pizza delivery guy\n>deliver pizzas to random people alone and who likes pizza>thats all i need\n>eventually run into a few\n>porn lied to me, whatever\n>around 70% of people actually decide to pay me for my pizza>others say they didnt order it\n>no loss\n>i guess people want pizzas some people just dont order them>idea.jpg >a pizza is 4 dollars at the store, ill sell it for 6\n>buy 20 pizzas >sell all of them to random people pretending to be a delivery guy>40 dollar profit for selling 20 pizzas\n>do this when i need extra money\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >cum into toilet\n>flush >cum gets to sewage\n>then to ocean >cum in ocean >gets hot\n>evaporates >rain in russia >gets bottled >sold >qt3.14 drinks it\n>technically sucked my dick Later, virgins<|endoftext|>
> be me, closeted bisexual\n> mostly into grils, but have a thing for traps> decide to find a trap irl\n> go on Grindr, swipe left until I find a cute femboy> he wants to meet up\n> itsHappening.exe\n> show up, hes shorter than me and petite, just how I like em> get up to bedroom and start making out\n> he stops, \"Anon, I have to tell you something\"\n> \"It's cool, I know you have a dick\"\n> \"Actually Anon, I'm ftm. I dont have a dick\"\n> mfw, it's actually a chick\n> mfw, I got reversed traped <|endoftext|>
>in school\n>chinese transfer student comes up to me>barely speaks english\n>\"anon how speak person that\n>he means teacher\n>teacher is black\n>idea\n>\"oh it's nigger\"\n>ching chong steps into class\n>happy exclaims \"HI NIGGER\"\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>Read 314 pages of terms and conditions>Clicked \u2018disagree\u2019 <|endoftext|>
>find out my shitty country has Splatoon tournaments>the winner of last one got a fucking bunch of oranges>most of them aren't even ripe <|endoftext|>
>be 22 >start dating blonde. 7/10\n>shes quirky but fun\n>dat ass >second date >go to her place\n>shewantstheD.jpeg >go down on her >things are going well >she stops me, wants to roleplay >blindfolds me, we're playing doctor >kinky but okay >feel pressure around my ass >pull off blindfold >crazy bitch is shoving 3 - 4 plastic horses into my asshole\n>she says my condition is \"stable\"\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Accidentally catch my 14 year old brother on Nhentai>Was gonna never bring it up again but the little fuck started acting weird>Apparently he's been browsing the shotacon, incest, milf tags cuz he's>mf isn't even subtle about it >Thinks the world runs on hentai logic\n>One night when we're sleeping >I'm still awake and follow him >lil bro goes to aunt reading on the couch>He has a massive fucking boner\n>Pulls the generic hentai \"It suddenly got big\" \"help me\">Whips out his cock and gets closer expecting a fuck>Instead gets screamed at by the aunt and essentially every member of the<|endoftext|>
>be me >suck a dick >gets called a faggot\n>girl sucks multiple dicks\n>not a faggot <|endoftext|>
>Welcome to Paris monsieur, we serve ze best cuisine in ze universe t >May I take your ordeure ?<|endoftext|>
>go on akinator >say yes when asked if your character is a porn-star>answer in accordance to what you want your porn-star to look like>profit\n<|endoftext|>
>Check if annoying orange is still a thing>last upload: 18 hours ago <|endoftext|>
>be me \u00bb @* @) >around 9 years old>dad loves hunting, wants to take me>I don\u2019t like the idea of killing think I\u2019m a little bitch so I reluctantly>set the trap, put some scented food in it >small doe comes up, have my sight lined up, ready to pull the trigger>feel instant regret even before killling the animal\n>turn to my dad >\u201d\"Dad, I\u2019m sorry but I really don\u2019t want to take this animals life\u201d>That\u2019s okay son, why don\u2019t you just keep setting up the traps, you\u2019re really good at it>continue to set traps >we do this every couple of months for years, I set the traps, he takes the shots>recently entered a trap setting contest in my local hunter union>won >mfw I\u2019m a master baiter\n<|endoftext|>
>told my grandfather that I would support trump back in 2018>he dies in 2019, leaving me 120k because I was his favorite nephew for>vote biden anyway I might go shit on his grave later.<|endoftext|>
>Be freshman in college >first time smoking weed >already trashed on whiskey >twist hard >wonder down to a frat house >post up outside and pretend to be security\n>brothers let me and eventually leave >asking people for IDs for about an hour >whole time drinking hard liquor >2 cops come up the stairs and ask to come in >ask them for IDs >\"We are the fucking cops, we are going to come in.\u201d\n>I say \u201criddle me this...\" then proceed to puke on one of them.\n>They stagger back in shock >Ohfuck > run my drunk ass back to my dorm >Shave my head and beard >see cops every day patrolling the campus. >never recognize me <|endoftext|>
>be me >from the day one i loved videogames and wanted to work>worked very hard to get to good school>no life because of it but thought \"fuck it it will be worth it\">graduated uni, one of the best students\n>looking for job >this one big company asks me to make video game>yaaaaas.phd >it's fucking blizzard >it's fucking diablo mobile <|endoftext|>
>Be me >Virgin, 24 years old >Social outcast, no friends >See this thing on the internet >'virgin meetup\" >Had nothing better to do with my life so went to the address\n>Bunch of guys my age, all virgins >Hang around, talk about stuff >They're all pretty cool, stay there late >Look at my watch, I should probably go home\n>Walk towards the door to leave >They ask if I'm gonna come back another day >Yeah sure >wave goodbye <|endoftext|>
>we reported thots now lets get the Pauls>logal paul and jake paul jump in a canal in Italy>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6 UYPX7AM94 [Open] [Embed]>its illegal to swim in canals in italy > subject matter jurisdiction and International criminal law means as a US>https://www.justice.gov/actioncent er/report-crime<|endoftext|>
>2004\n>be 7\n>mom is strict so I must go to sleep at 9pm even / \\, during summer holiday / \u2018\\ >her aunt passes away, she goes to the funeral>want to see Shrek 2 in cinema\n>check cinema schedule\n>go to 6pm one with dad\n>accidentally checked yesterday's schedule, film started at 5pm with the next one starting at 8:30pm>upset.png\n>dad says he buys two tickets for the 8:30pm Shrek 2\n>surprised.jpg\n>he says mom doesn\u2019t need to know, it'll be our secret\n>movie ended at 10:30pm\n>when we went home dad let me play Tony Hawk\u2019s Underground \u2018til 1am<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>cub scouts camping trip\n>its getting dark >scout master tells us to get wood n \\ shit for a bonfire>see the perfect stick >grab it >its a rattlesnake tail >too retarded to run away >bring it over my head and swing it in circles >the snake can't come back and bite me >shout for help >everyone comes >sees me using a snake like a lasso >kids laughing, adults shitting pants >tell me to hit the snake against a tree as hard as I can>hope it breaks its neck >whip its head at mach speed into the biggest tree I could find>head explodes >adults don't know whether to congratulate or punish me>other kids think I'm hardcore >mfw my nickname was snake charmer from then on\n<|endoftext|>
>2007 >Someone kept eating my lunch out of the fridge at work\n>I got tired of it >I poisoned my sandwich with mole poison (look that shit up) and rubbed raw chicken all over the lunch meat>Slapped that puppy in the fridge with a fake name on it\n>It disappeared before lunch >Heard nothing until the next day >Apparently ambulances showed up on 3rd shift and took a guy out on a stretcher>He had to get his stomach pumped and was out of work for a month>I had never even met this guy. He was stealing my food before leaving at the shift change and then eating it the<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Going to bed while staying at grandparents\u2019 rural farmhouse as a 10 year old>Not tired at all - 100% lucid. >Decide eh I'll just try closing my eyes. >It's only 9:30 p.m. >The MOMENT I close my eyes it's instantly morning literally within a blink of an eye.>Brother was in the twin bed next to me and he disappeared instantaneously.>Can smell grandma making breakfast.\n>YouWutMate.jpeg >Never been able to reproduce what happened or have somebody tell me the same happened to<|endoftext|>
>Use Tinder >No Matches >Use Grindr >Instantly get a message every couple minutes<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>me bee <|endoftext|>
>Be shy 17 year old\n>Meet girl at a party\n>She is pretty i >Always wants to touch, sit on lap>Party ends\n>She proposes to go on a walk\n>Agree, have small nice talk outside\n>She then asks me to come to her house\n>Yes23.jpg\n>Grsbs my hand, practically tows me to her house\n>Go in, have sex\n>Sweaty, go to her kitchen to grab drink\n>Her mom is there\n>Im naked\n>brain_shudown.gif\n>Grab her hand and say \"Hello, my name is Anon\u2019 <|endoftext|>
>taking piss at public urinal >guy walks in and starts using the one next to me\n>he looks over at me >'nice cock bro, i bet you cum alot right? Yeah i bet you do\u2019<|endoftext|>
>\"Shaken, not stirred\" <|endoftext|>
>Parents split up at early age\n>Didn't see dad very much\n>Every time I went there he always bought me a game\n>Always ended up buying REALLY awesome games (even some more obscure stuf)\n>He always said it was luck and that he wasn't into video games\n>Oh well\n>This goes on for years\n>He eventually stops buying games for me since I bought them myself\n>Dad died\n>Went to his place to clean up\n>Open his wardrobe\n>it was filled with TONS of video game magazines\n>Check through some of them for nostalgia\n>He had circled games that seemed cooled and left notes like \"anon said he wanted-an action game\u2019\n>Other notes like \"work extra buy both?\n>My fucking face when I found out he had spent hours reading about something that he doesn't care about because he cared about me\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >9yo >shopping at Toys R Us >pick out some Barbie dolls >go to checkout >clerk smiles and asks \"oh, are you shopping for your sister or cousin?\">\"nope, for me\" >\"aren't those toys a little girly for you?\" >\"I need some whores for my GI Joes\" <|endoftext|>
>go to bed\n>you have a gripping pain in your chest>it spreads to the left side of your neck>can't sleep Guys am I gonna have a frickin>might have a heart attack\n>better post on 4chan I hope it kills you<|endoftext|>
>my dad was the coolest mother fucker to me when i was a kid>city cop, used to take me places in his cop car all the time>he'd say \"wanna go for light up ride anon?\">we'd go wherever, he'd turn the >used to brag about him to my friends all the time\n>best times of my childhood <|endoftext|>
>be me <|endoftext|>
>buy chemicals for a peaceful suicide>they all arrive\n>have everything ready\n>suddenly feel happy anymore>the fake smile I put on turns into a real one\n>start enjoying life and treating people nice What the fuck is happening?<|endoftext|>
>talking to my dad about my depression>explaining passive suicidality\n>\"while I'm not going to actively try to kill myself, if a truck was coming>his reply >his fucking reply >\"oh that's how I've felt my whole life\" >mfw <|endoftext|>
>be beta fag with no friends\n>live alone in shitty apartment\n>walk outside one day and and\n>crow has one partially white wing>feed it bread because it's all I have in apartment\n>crow keeps coming back for food\n>one day crow bring me a shiny bit of trash\n>accept offering from crow\n>few months pass he comes every day\n>he brings me shit most days\n>one day crow doesnt show up.\n>mfw my only friend has abandoned me\n>weekend passes\n>still hasnt come i watch for him constantly\n>monday morning i go to work\n>see dead crow on side of street near home\n>stop and get out\n>tfw it has a partially white wing\n>see it has been hit by car\n>near beak is some weird bracelet\n>tfw my only friend died trying to get me a gift\n>tfw I have nothing pic related<|endoftext|>
>am fully vaccinated >still wear a mask in public because it triggers antimaskers into>I'm free to wear a mask and that freedom makes them seeth.<|endoftext|>
>be me >20 >walking around Brooklyn\n>new to the city >feel and opportunity come up\n>yell at the top of my lungs >BADDA BING > some fat guy in a greasy tank top yells from his apartment window>BADDA BOOM >mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>born a white american male >grow up in a conservative upper middle class family\n>very idealistic about the nation, want to serve, enlist when 18>deployed in Iraq >legs blown off fighting for oil >go home, struggling, corrupt, mismanaged, and underfunded VA does nothing meaningful to help>physical and psychological trauma have assured that I can never love or be loved again>die lonely hateful and a tragic victim of a broken system\n>but at least we have 11 aircraft carriers\n>tearsofpatrioticjoy.png <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>I wanna talk about some politics>go to /pol/\n>\u201d Jewish people and the worlds issues.\u201d>wtf.jpg\n>go to twitter\n>\"all white people are inherently racist and homophobic.\u201d>wtf that\u2019s not true\n>go to reddit\n>\"communism has never failed\u201d\n>have you people taken a single history class??>go to facebook\n>\u2019 if I see another sheep wearing a mask I\u2019m going to gun them down\u201d>huh??? <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>christian\n>have 3.5 peener\n>gf wanted sex\n>told her the big NO >drive home sad >got into car accident >went to heaven >meet god >God shakes my hand >he whispered >\"mah nigga\" >i smiled >sent back to earth\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me, social retard . >Work is always difficult because>Like the idea of camping\n>Decide I'm going to be the Camp Bro NPC\n>No matter what, no matter how minor the question or subject is at work, always tie in>Any time I'm away from my desk I put a \"Gone Fishing\" sign up>Start to wear plaid and camo, drink my coffee out of a thermos>People are annoyed at first, but ignore it\n>Eventually people start to talk to me about camping, asking for places, ideas, how to do stuff>Start to make friends, coworkers want to do a BBQ by the river and invite me and have me help>it goes great and I bullshit my way through everything>\"Whoa, you're a pretty cool guy, anon!\"\n>mfw I've never been camping and just browse /out/ too much<|endoftext|>
>Get laid S >Get on bed 5 >Girl says wait>Goes to the bathroom\n>what'staikingsolong.jpeg\n>\"Hey are you okay there?\"\n>No response\n>I knock on the bathroom door\n>Slowly open the door\n>Nobody inside\n>Dust on the floor\n<|endoftext|>
>He's mistaking a nicety for affection again<|endoftext|>
>my wife fought tooth and claw to get my dog in the divorce >my dog that had been with me for 10 years even before I knew my wife >I couldn't understand why she wanted him so badly because she never really liked the dog\n>the day after winning him, she got him put down\n<|endoftext|>
>be me. 5'11\" 260 pounds. >my life consists of Sp a cleaning out the trashcans>know of a patient dying of cancer. been on a hospital bed for 3 weeks>he called me over yesterday. first time he's ever spoke to me. I'm listening intently>\"I don't know you but my dying wish for you is to lose all that fucking weight so you>he died today <|endoftext|>
>go in public >see guys that are uglier than me >see guys that are more out of >see guys that worse dressed than >even see guys that are shorter <|endoftext|>
>I'm white\n>I'm young\n>I'm physically healthy\n>I'm not a manlet(over 6'0\" / >I have a strong sense of morality >I have a strong sense of honor\n>I have a favourable personality\n>l've been told I am handsome\n>I can protect my wife and offspring from predators\n>I can provide resources and coverture for my wife and children>I am good with children and would make a good father>I can cook\n>I'm a strong swimmer\n>I have good taste in anime >I have good taste in anime. Thats how you dry up their pussy like a desert you<|endoftext|>
>Playing MMO >Walk up to rando\n>Start jumping >They jump too <|endoftext|>
>asks me to buy a christmas tree >we go buy a nice one\n>carry it around like a slave\n>mom is happy\n>feelsgoodman\n>i lift it into the house\n>my dad says hes not feeling well\n>COLLAPSES\n>WTF\n>mom panics\n>dad just laying there knocked out\n>we put him in a safe position quickly\n>my heart is racing\n>i decide to LIFT him up and carry him to the couch\n>mom calls 911\n>im panicking too\n>figure that the hospital is not so far away\n>LIFT him back up and carry him into car\n>mom is screaming at me but i cant hear shit\n>race to hospital\n>LIFT him out of the car and carry him into ER\n>scream around like an autist >mfw they told me he had a stroke and probably would have died if it wasnt for my lifts<|endoftext|>
>be girl >middle school, early 2000s\n>walking to class >see some short kid getting shoved into the locker>tiny little hispanic kid and his two goons are harrassing this kid for lunch money>is this real life >take the little hispanic kid and put him in a chicken hold>tell him if he touches this kid again I'll beat his face into the locker so hard his parents wont be able to>he calls his goons off, runs away >short kid follows me around for the rest of the school year, carrying my books and taking care of<|endoftext|>
>be me, 23\n> fucking this older girl, she's around 30> getbusycoomingorgetbusydying 4 > suddenly she grabs my face and> wispers 'come for mommy baby > sit there frozen in complete shock\n> jizz the biggest load of my life <|endoftext|>
>be 3 years old\n>standing in the living room next to leather sofa>for no apparent reason think to myself \"i will remember this moment\">still do\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>in iraq\n>start smoking a pipe because AIRE fuck it im probably going to die>one day on patrol in some shitty village\n>over 100 degrees, towlheads everywhere screaming at eachother and trying to sell shit>you know just a normal day >decide to sit down for a drink and a smoke because im in full gear and it is like a trillion>sit down and light up pic related >sitting down for maybe a minute, take a few puffs>bowl explodes as its in my mouth >a fucking sniper shot my pipe >the bullet travelled 3 inches from my face\n>everyone scatters for cover as usual >to this day I dont know if the sniper missed or if he was trying to just fuck with me.<|endoftext|>
>watch Predator for the first time when I was 10>think the predator is badass\n>get Xbox live\n>think of cool gamer tag\n>xxTheChildPredatorxx >haven't the slightest clue why <|endoftext|>
>be me >have one shot at life\n>born gay in iran mfw<|endoftext|>
>Be a cop\n>Patrolling, doing cop things\n>See a guy driving like 15 miles below the speed limit>Can see lots of smoke coming out of his >Assume he's blazing it, pull him over >Walk up to his window and he rolls it down >He's got a fucking hot plate plugged into his >Motherfucker is making pancakes while driving <|endoftext|>
>be me >ask a girl out >she says no >\"im not interested in you  eS atipe >sure ok, see you in class>immediately receive a screenshot of her >she sent it to me by accident <|endoftext|>
>Be me >Sophomore year in college\n>Periodically shit in the top tank of toilets at fraternity and sorority>Word spreading around campus <|endoftext|>
>be me >working since i was 14 years old\n>fried burguers, painted wall, did whatever to get ends meet>studied math like a pig >get stupid job as math teacher where students throw shit at me>make 60 thousand a year\n>pretend im happy >be belle delphine >be woman >wear make up >learn how to stick tongue out\n>make 120 thousand a week on Patreon only>will probably be a millionaire in two months<|endoftext|>
>\"Drake?\n>\"What?\"\n>\"Where is the body of Christ?\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>friend torrents black panther, we're about to watch it>me: \"so is this actually good or just overhyped\">me: \"i bet there's basketball, rap, and slavery references within the first 2 minutes\">him: \"pfbpfptf i don't think they'd go that far man\"\n>me: \u201cno seriously i bet there is.\u201d\n>him: *awkward silence and a weird look*\n>we start the movie\n>1 minute of scifi backstory, includes a reference to slavery>followed by basketball and rap\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>My mom is super scared about what I have on my phone\n>Download one of those calculator apps that hide images behind a code\n>One day she was going through my phone\n>She bursts into my room, phone in hand\n>\"Anon! What is this?\u201d\n>Tell her it\u2019s just a calculator app\n>I'm freaking out on the inside\n>She says she knows what it is\n>0_ Shit jpg\n>\"OPEN IT NOW ANON!\" ur friends to > Start freaking out>Say no [tot EAN! them! = She threatens to take away everything I have for a year>Unlock calculator >She looks at screen >Theres only one image >She opens it >it's literally just the stupid beaned picture\n>Mom looks at me >\"What the fuck anon?\u201d\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>2 years ago\n>In high school\n>Working on a science project\n>Some chads sit at my table\n>They don't do their project of course>\"Hey anon\"\n>I look over\n>\"Do you know you're a fucking normie\"\n>Ask them if they know where that word comes from>they say instagram\n>Normies call me a normie because I don't talk about memes in public<|endoftext|>
>Australia had a rabbit plague in the mid 1800s>They tried a variety of methods to get rid of them>Eventually they got desperate, >They made fake rabbits that were >The ones attracted to the fake rabbits didn\u2019t breed and the population was thus reduced>Tfw they\u2019re doing it with people now\n>Tfw I figured out why Anime girls exist <|endoftext|>
>be me, 17f and in treatmen and recovery from rape>walking through petco to pick up crickets for my friends pet lizard>she presses her paw up to the >cryinginpublic.jpg >I impulsively adopt her >two months later, sucidal thoughts almost nonexistent and able to talk to strangers again>cat is my best friend, she never leaves my side when I\u2019m home and encourages me to get out of<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>24yo anon\n>meet girl on tinder\n>she's super cute\n>possiblegf.jpeg >i'm a total 3/10 >have amazing sex >afterwards ask her what my appeal was >\"oh my stepdad was really fat so it's sort >mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>at university >accidentally bump into a girl carrying papers>kneel down to help her collect them\n>our eyes meet >I say something like \"hey, its like in the >\"yeah except in movies the guys <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>20 and just got license\n>go on road trip across std canada -_ gro>end up in alaska lets you rent gold pans and>they let you keep whatever you find Ae gy,\n>spend an hour and a half and get nothing\n>not a single speck\n>go back in and turn in the pan\n>owner asks me if I need a container for my gold, I tell him I didn't find anything>about to leave when an older gentleman i\u00bb who was out there with me taps my>\"here son\"\n>hands me small glass vial with a few tiny nuggets>smile at this nice gesture and leave slightly happier than when I arrived<|endoftext|>
>I just lost an argument in my head against a person that doesn't even exist>l even stuttered <|endoftext|>
>be me, 9 >own a toy firetruck\n>godifuckinglovemyfiretruck.jpg\n>bring to show and tell >kids make fun of firetruck >go home tell dad >dad tells me not to worry about it\n>next day >dad wakes me up for drive to school\n>pass school >\"dad where are we going?\u201d >\"my friends want to meet you anon\u201d\n>pull up to firehouse >dad told his firefighter friends what happened>get tour of firehouse and meet real firemen\n>get to honk real firetruck horn <|endoftext|>
>wake up >bobby knocks on door\n>\"oi! open up you cheeky bastard and show me your>fumble around and finally find my licence\n>\"s-sorry good sir. It's right here... God save the Queen.\">bobby peers in and catches a glimpse of me telly>\"halt! where's your TV licence you cunt?!\"\n>\"draw TV licence from me wallet\" >bobby gives a look like the bloody Queen's dodger>\"oi mate! where's your permit for this licence?\">show him my licence permit >\"this licence permit is expired. I'm taking you in!\">bobby draws his toy gun >stab him with my unregistered butterknife <|endoftext|>
>at weed store owned by old white grandma looking>would amp up my gay qualities because it made the owner laugh and she'd make my>one night old lady goes to the back of the store for some reason, calls her husband>quite, old, hulking, native american man shuffles out>ask for 2 grams of an indica, he puts a hefty 8g nug in my bag, then takes my>Tells me \"Thank you for making her laugh.\" as I leave.<|endoftext|>
>buy chemicals for a peaceful suicide>they all arrive\n>have everything ready\n>suddenly feel happy anymore>the fake smile I put on turns into a real one\n>start enjoying life and treating people nice What the fuck is happening?<|endoftext|>
>call a cab\n>cab shows up, Nigerian driver\n>black as midnight\n>whygod.jpeg\n>at least his accent is kinda cool\n>notice he's driving by people waving at the car\n>\"hey bud, shouldn't you pick those people up?\"\n>\"oh, them? I'm not driving them anywhere, they are black.\"<|endoftext|>
>let out your teat >ilfe is flashing thraugh your eyes >50 years of hardcore porn in 1 milisecond\n>nut all over everyone >yourlast words are \"shit\" <|endoftext|>
>be me 16 at the time F >high school>mates and I sneak away every lunch or free period and smoke>420.jpeg\n>do this all year\n>have retard kid in class, doug\n>dunno how but doug manages to follow us one lunch and watches us smoking weed>we see doug, didn't need him blabbing about it\n>we must befriend the tard\n>call doug over, show him how to light up\n>doug gets stoned\n>doug loves it, totally chill too\n>tard is cool keeping it secret\n>one day, doug lights up with us\n>\"wanna hear why I like smoking anon?\"\n>\"I become a baked potato\"\n>good on ya dougie, fucking champion. <|endoftext|>
>be student >no gf, pretty boring life >when I have nothing to do, I take >listening to music the whole time >repeat until my phone dies or I get hungry <|endoftext|>
>notice that I have a strong dislike for most minorities>worry that I may be racist\n>decide to test if I really am\n>go out for a couple of drinks with a\n>he's black\n>pretty good guy actually\n>turns out I just hate poor people phew good thing I'm not racist<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>beta suicidal virgin\n>go to uni\n>pretty miserable and not a lot of friends>get a text from a cousin\n>he tells me not to kill myself\n>wif.jpg\n>\"did you also become on of those fags who tell me not to cuz of no reasons?\">\"no anon i have great plans. We gonna live together, get hella bitchez, play lots of vidya and>mfw it is the best thing i have ever heard in my life\n>mfw someone wants me in their life\n>mfw it has been a week since that text but iam still happy<|endoftext|>
>step mom moving stuff in the house>shelf falls over and traps her arm\n>she yells for my help\n>\u201danon, please, help me. I\u2019m >I know exactly where this is going >whip my dick out\n>she yells what the fuck\n>my dad walks in\n>flips out\n>they call the cops, I get arrested <|endoftext|>
>tell faggot brother he just got pranked>\"how?\"\n>tell him to look in his room\n>he spends 10 minutes >there was no prank >mfw that was the prank <|endoftext|>
>making out with slut i brought from a nearby bar\n>gonna fuck this bitch >look to my condor for approval >he shits on her bag and pecks her outta the room.\n>later find out she had harpies from fiend <|endoftext|>
>be american >17 people die >American students do a celebratory conga<|endoftext|>
>be me end of high school\n>be in weed phase\n>come to class high af\n>red af eyes reeking of weed\n>everyone looks at me and teacher\n>too high to think of what to say\n>\"no teacher i drank my dad's cannabis scent parfume and got drunk from alcohol in it\">teacher looks at me worried\n>i pull out my parfume from my backpack and drink it to prove myself>end up in a hospital\n>got suspended for being drunk in class\n<|endoftext|>
>be american\n>get sick\n>go backrupt <|endoftext|>
>be me in highschool >one day the teacher asks the >most of the class asked him to >teacher picks me and I say >he plays it and the entire class is saying to pick >MFW I'm the only one that enjoys rock and metal >MFW everyone is saying that it's garbage <|endoftext|>
>tfw had a general grievous phase when I was younger>would wrap a blanket around my shoulders like a cape while walking around hunched over coughing<|endoftext|>
>be today >be Australian >Woke up sick >Call work to let them >contact local GP\n>Appointment free and same day because subsidised social healthcare>Paid sick leave because strong labour movement that guarantees working rights>Now nobody at work will catch my cold.\n>Food for customers not contaminated by my cold.>Company doesn't lose money because my sick leave is government subsidised>All bills continue to be paid on time, my day is stress-free because I have time to<|endoftext|>
>show its called Mr.Robot\n>its supposed to be about a depressed guy with social anxiety>has a well paid job\n>has a female best friend >has sex with a female drugs dealer in the first chapter>after sex scene they put some scene of him crying and saying muh loneliness and anxiety<|endoftext|>
>Be in 7th grade >Have to piss >Teacher does that whole \"I don't know, can you?\" bullshit\n>\"May I use the restroom Mr. Anonderson\" >Book it to bathroom while holding my peener hole closed\n>Urinals are taken >See unlocked stall >Kick the door open like they do in the movies >See kid squatting on the toilet, shitting frog style >See turd retreat back into his asshole like a scared turtle\n>Piss myself <|endoftext|>
>girl asks for my snap\n>we talk for a week, it's very nice\n>I set up a date, she agrees and acts interested =, >fast forward to today>show up, wait for forty minutes:\n>check phone, she blocked me on <|endoftext|>
>Be me >19 years old virgin >Watch milf porn all the time and fap>Make a new friend in class >No father, single sexy mother\n>RemenberPorn.jpeg >Plan to fuck her\n>Go to his house when he is out\n>Start flirting with his mother\n>Say I want to have sex with you\n>She slaps me\n<|endoftext|>
>masturbating in bedroom\n>about to cum\n>dad comes running in naked screaming>'and here comes dad from left >he does a running jump >lands asshole first on my dick\n>penetration.png\n>cum\n>mfw he laughs and calls me a faggot for cuming in another guy<|endoftext|>
>get ad on YouTube\n>cover screen\n>turn off volume\n>close eyes\n>count down <|endoftext|>
>popular only because of porn\n>releases hamster character <|endoftext|>
>be me, 17 >just got license >home alone, want McD's >Drive in my Mom's minivan >4chan has been daily browsing for me at this point>drive through >\"Yeah, uhm, can! get a 10 pc of some chicken tendies?\">whatthefuckdidljustsay.exe has been executed>this motherfucker says \"sure anon\"\n>oneofus.jpg >drive to window, embarrassed af\n>guy is 20 something, says \"you seem chill\" and passes me note with his>dm him >now best friends. <|endoftext|>
> be me\n> 17 when rock band came out\n> read about rock band online every day> watch rock band videos every day rock band> brother has a ps3 but it's In his room\n> no other consoles in the house\n> he agrees to let me use his ps3 in his room if I were to get it for xmas> fast forward xmas eve\n> beg mom to let me open one gift early\n> it's rock band for 360> I'm so depressed because it means I won't be playing rock band on xmas after all> \"I got it for the wrong system? Aww. I'm sorry anon. Here. You can open one more.\u201d<|endoftext|>
>20 year old autist >working drive through at mcdonalds >\"I'll have 2 chicken sandwiches 1 with no tomato\u201d\n>\"which one do you not want tomato on?\u201d >some brief silence and a muffled sound >\"either one, man\u201d >messed up their change ttoo\n<|endoftext|>
> Be me, alone on Christmas > Hungry, go out for food > Go to local Chinese restaurant > Walk in and sit down, restaurant is > Owner walks up and greets me in broken English > \"Hello, see you on holiday, thank you for joining us\" > Owner's entire extended family comes out from > Start moving tables around and bringing out dishes > They set up an entire feast > Genuinely enjoy the food and company even > After eating, I help the family put the restaurant > I ask the owner how much I owe him for the meal > \"You owe us nothing, thank you for joining us, Merry > Leave and go home with a smile on my face, still <|endoftext|>
>ate two slices of pizza\n>watched tv >Went to work\n>Came home\n>Called you a faggot <|endoftext|>
>be 10\n>waiting in line with mom >'Hold on, I forgot to get something stay in line.\u201d\n>Line gets closer to the front\n>Mom still not back yet <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>dating gymnast\n>she's been practicing for a competition>she's gotten even more flexible\n>\"anon, I wanna try a new position\n>hellyeah.jpg\n>she gets in super strange stretching position\n>we start going at it\n>it's not that great but I still finish\n>\"how was it anon\"\n>weird flex, but ok <|endoftext|>
>be american >get fat, get shot, become poor because surgery is>get beheaded by isis >be asian\n>suicide because of stress and no gf >be african\n>be african >be australian\n>get killed by venomous animal and lose <|endoftext|>
>1 month until 2020\n>no Moon base, no Mars <|endoftext|>
>Be me in army\n>mandatory in my shitty country\n>first time we noob soldiers fire our guns>drill instructor yells \"are you ready?\"\n>i yell back \"ai ai captain\"\n>random guy two rows away yells \"i cant hear you\"\n>drill instructor mad and tries to find out who mocked him>i yell again \"OOOOO0000\"\n>random guy shots a rock 10 meters in front of him from laughter ( the target was 300 meter away)>dust rises up and one general runs and screams at drill instructor>we march back to camp 10 kilometers instead of driving>i am attending the \"i cant hear you\" guy wedding next week<|endoftext|>
>Dad left when I was 12yo >I'm now 36yo >Calls me every 3 months or so to ask if I want fish>If I say yes he drops by and gives me a frozen fish<|endoftext|>
>be school in Florida\n>worried trans kids will make sports unfair>mandate \u201cgenital inspection of minors\u201d<|endoftext|>
>be me >at work >work next to a place with a lot of mexicans, most don't>have to fart >qt 3.14 latina chick walking by>think \"she doesn't speak English so she won't>fart VERY LOUD >she looks at me in disgust\n>mfw I realize how fucking autistic I am<|endoftext|>
>be me >worked in a shitty museum >gave tours to classes all the time >the work was boring >the museum sucked >you pay $20 to walk around and >start on going joke with coworkers >when training new hires for tours we throw in shit >I decide to give George Washington a middle >I gave the new hire his study materials >have him shadow my tours and keep referring to >nobody questions the S. >new hire takes over tours and refers to him with >not a single soul questions him while me and my >went back 8 years later after with my own kid for >went on to tell her how I used to work here when >get to part about George >lady giving tours gets to his part and says >I fucking lost it >all these years have came and gone >and these fucks still call him George S. >ask her what the S. stands for >she says Smith >you don't understand /b/ >I had to leave the museum I was laughing so <|endoftext|>
>first time spending the night with new gf ' >wake up to the sound of her crying>She starts profusely apologizing to me>apparently she's a bedwetter\n>usually wears diapers to bed and has plastic mattress covers but>starts rambling about how it's cuz her uncle abused her and shit>just try to calm her down and tell her it's ok>she finally calms down >next night she puts on a diaper and puts a cover on the bed>notice her get up at least twice in the night to change diapers<|endoftext|>
>boss calls me into office\n>\"hey anon we noticed you've been cold and unwelcoming to your new<|endoftext|>
>be me > locked up for 2 years for driving under the influence of Oxy> going into an all black cell block, 2 other white guys in there are all tore up> fuck that. > look for the biggest black monster I can find.> spot him. 6'5\" build like Bautista. > \"let's do this\" I think. > walk right up there to him, yell, \"you! >he stands up, full head taller than me. I stare hi right in the eye. > \"I'll suck your dick on the reg, if you keep me safe.\" > spend 2 years on easy street,safe and sound no one fucks with me. Suck some big black dick. Who cares.<|endoftext|>
>Think that everyone fucking >Therapist tells me this is a delusion and that if I don't believe>\"I don't hate you, I just wish things had turn out differently\"<|endoftext|>
>be born >one shot at life >live in sweden >so far so good >parents name you svenjamin and thats where it goes to shit<|endoftext|>
>friend sells me some adderall >take pill >feel fucking euphoric, literally nothing can stop me>zero social anxiety, i could tell my whole life story to a random person if>compulsive behaviors almost disappear entirely for the first time in over 2 years>don't feel worried anymore, start realizing that all my problems are just temporary and i can fix them>actually want to live my life, go out and have fun\n>don't feel empty anymore, always thinking positive and for the future>drug starts to wear off after a few hours >go back to my normal suicidal self <|endoftext|>
>Mother got extremely sick on Christmas>She gets hospitalized\n>Doctor tell us she will be here until Ha January 2>Tell my girlfriend I have to cancel our plans for new year\u2019s party at a friend house because I'll be>She tells me she is still going without me\n>I think to myself \u201cwell I don\u2019t want her to have a shitty New Year so it\u2019s ok\u201d>Later today best bro calls me\n>\"hey buddy, I heard that you are staying at the hospital for new year, I canceled my plans and will<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>one chance at life\n>filipino <|endoftext|>
>this was considered comically obese in 1990\n<|endoftext|>
>played Red Dead Redemption with autistic 8yo step-sister>all she did was walk around skinning animals and giggling>mfw she killed a prostitute and asked me why she couldn't skin<|endoftext|>
>Sitting at the bar >feel someone tap my shoulder >turn around and see a guy standing there with this weird smile on his face>he says \"got the time?\", but he is almost >I say \"sure\" and pull out my pocket >As soon as I pull out my pocket watch the guy belts out laughing, along with a large table nearby, full of people>before I can even check the time, the guy walks away to the laughing table and loudly says \"I told you it was a>one of the girls at the table says \"Who the fuck-\" but laughs so hard she cannot speak>I look around and see that there are other people in the place looking at me and some are laughing too>put my pocket watch away and try to go back to my drinks<|endoftext|>
>run into weird satanic witchcraft cringe dude on insta>instead of calling him an idiot and getting blocked I try to have fun with it>tell him to use his \"powers\" to get my >\"ok\" >asks me to DM him photos of her\n>no word for a few days\n>kinda just forget about\n>2 days ago finally DMs me \"done\"\n>yesterday coworker was acting really really chummy with me>texted me today asking if I'm doing anything on Saturday to go on a date>get scared realizing I've very possibly made an actual deal with satan>whathaveidone <|endoftext|>
>be 27\n>virgin\n>girl I went to uni with a few years ago calls me>\"hey anon i'm really sorry to do this but I had a baby and I think>uh bitch that's fucking impossible we never had sex>\"what the fuck are you talking about are you serious\">start arguing\n>get a DNA test just to shut her the fuck up\n>it's positive <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>neighbour has heavily disabled son>outside gym master race\n>one day I\u2019m lifting and he\u2019s in the neighbors garden>I'm benching my 1RM\n>here a noise\n>look up and see this little spazoid cheering and bobbing his head>now every time I lift he wheels himself out and cheers me on>mfw I now lift for him <|endoftext|>
>Be me, 25 >gf works w/ the police force, so do i\n>we make a list of kinky shit we want to do in our life.>last week at check up get told I have terminal cancer>family and gf devastated >remember list >tell gf we should do the top kinky thing on the list>gf wants to have sex in the sewers\n>mfw >whatever, only 3 months to live anyway\n>sneak out at night >go to sewers >have sex >lets me cum in her >shit was cash >moral of the story is >fuck the police >coming straight from the underground\n<|endoftext|>
>feel bad for a lonely guy in my class>invite him to a cosplay event\n>he shows up dressed as Fred \u201c> Flintstone in blackface<|endoftext|>
>instructions say cook from frozen\n>caok from chilled instead >cashier tells me to have a nice day\n>tell her I will >don't\n<|endoftext|>
>My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a>Just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister>So she calls me a pervert >There is no justice in the world... <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>Mexican\n>depressed and suicidal, but don\u2019t want my death to look like a suicide>realize that elections are\n>enter the race on a strong anti- crime platform, and say that I will pass laws to>a few days later, a nice cartel man knocks on my door and shoots me in the head<|endoftext|>
>grow green\n>turn brown >refuse to elaborate further\n>leaves\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >be loser who drives a delivery van all >work is fucking boring as fuck >get new puppy >have idea >I will take puppy to work with me >Next day put puppy in van >Puppy sits shotgun all day, does not piss or poop in cab >Take puppy to park during lunch break >Puppy waits patiently while I make deliveries >Drive home >Realize work was fun with my little puppy buddy >Have never had this much enjoyment of work >Thank you puppy <|endoftext|>
>be 12\n>want to order pay per view pom >use dads credit card >record it on vhs so id have it forever >wait for bill to come in mail >get on microsoft paint and remove the pom >put in titanic >put bill back in the mail >dad yells at me for renting titanic without permission, but nothing worse <|endoftext|>
>Be Me\n>American\n>Internet\u2019s down ess > Bored>Go Outside most gun owners are>Go back inside\n>Get stabbed by wife <|endoftext|>
>going to school >realise i forgot my bag\n>conclude the only explenation is that im in a dream>go into school bathroom and rape a girl<|endoftext|>
>be me >24yo femanon\n>meet guy on tinder\n>he's super cute\n>possiblebf jpeg\n>have nice date in restaurant>go back to his place >\"do you do anal, anon?\u201d\n>surewhynot.jpeg >actually hate anal but whatever >it's uncomfortable and painful but mercifully short>after he comes i start talking about a second date>\"no offence anon but i could never date a girl that would let a guy do that\">mfw <|endoftext|>
>be me >japanese >living with a white family in the US { >pretty sweet gig honestly>call her a baka and tell her to get out\n>\"FOR THE LAST TIME ANON YOU'RE NOT JAPANESE YOU'RE JUST A>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>be black\n>be at super bowl party last night\n>telling someone a story about a story from work about some crazy>I say \u201cwhat word? Nigger?\u201d\n>she then says \u201cyou're making everyone here really uncomfortable by using that word\u201d>I tell her I\u2019m the only black person here and I\u2019m telling a story>she say \u201cIDC I don't like when people use that word around me\u201d>her three beta orbiters then walk over <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>giraffe\n>eating leaves\n>watch the cheetahs race\n>go in for another bite of leaves down covered in leaves>monkey who was on the tree saw me\n>he says \u201cthis nigga eatin leaves\u201d\n>my whole herd laughs at me\n>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>total Chad >girls always checking me out>have a date pretty much every day>constantly getting new ink\n>only stay with a girl for a year at most before moving on>be a calendar >pic unrelated <|endoftext|>
>recently single after very long  \u2018 5 >only ever had sex with her>match with cute girl on Tinder >go over to apartment and go for a >we watch a movie and flirt a little but >she turns off the lights and randomly says \u201ctime for >we start to make out >get naked >she\u2019s a literal 10/10 perfect body >I am fingering her and eating her out >go to get condom and boner goes down >oh fuck >won't get hard >so nervous and uncomfortable my little buddy refuses >just finger her and play with her nipples >think she came but who knows >we lay together and she can tell im bothered >asks me what's the matter and explains that she >kisses me and we hold eachother tight >tells me about her ex >total fucking scumbag >tell her I've been having a rough time since my >she says \u201cI could get used to this\u201d >talk until around 2AM >cuddle all night but I can\u2019t really sleep >by morning I\u2019m completely in love >go to take train home and kiss her goodbye >she unmatches me an hour later\n<|endoftext|>
>become most powerful man on earth\n>do absolutely nothing >Become the most powerful man on earth >See that the country is prospering >See that your in an era of peace >Don't spend money on military motions that are unneeded>Spend money for welfare, including starting a orphanage for girls>Devote time to raising children ment to be the best possible heirs>1800 years later >Faggot 4channers are mad that you didn't do dumb shit.<|endoftext|>
>Be fit, tall, rich and famous Lill >Be married>Wife cheats multiple times\n>Wife publicly says that fit, tall, rich and famous husband can't fuck>Someone makes a joke about wife's lack\n>Husband laughs, but then punchs dude who made the joke because wife didn't like it>Husband acts like a huge white knight cuck with cheating bitch wife>He could just dump her ass and get any woman he wants, he's not exactly a NEET neckbeard<|endoftext|>
>20 minutes ago\n>mum asks me if i have a bf>politely tell her no\n>she spends 10 minutes need a man>get annoyed\n>suddenly asks if I'm lesbian\n>tell her \"no\"\n>9 more minutes go by with the continued explanation of needing a man>if this were an anime I'd have steam shooting out my ears>can't take it anymore\n>blurt out I'm not a middle aged divorced woman who needs someone to feel>she stares at me blankly\n>she starts to cry <|endoftext|>
>Wanna say \"Let's go\" and \"okay\">Said \"Let's gay\" >Got weird looks <|endoftext|>
>Walk into your bedroom\n>You find Belle Delphine on your bed<|endoftext|>
>trusted local man kidnaps his son\n>takes boy to motel and rapes him\n>the rapist gets caught by the cops\n>father goes to the local bars and find out when the rapist will be brought>local guy who worked for media lets >arrives at the airport and waits for cops to arrive with rapist>live TV crews also at the scene\n>cops and rapist walking through airport\n>pulls out a pistol and shoots his son's rapist straight through the head, killing him with a single shot>father literally assassinates his son's rapist on live television (pic related)>gets arrested\n>local community unanimously decides he's not guilty of any crime and is a hero>goes to court\n>judge doesn't convict him, only gets 300 hours community service>carries on and lives his life as normal, and is forever regarded as a hero<|endoftext|>
>be lonely homeschooler in high school>watch anime to pretend i have frens>finish school, get warehouse job >we start playing dungeons and >dont really like the game just fun to hang out with people>first time playing since before christmas\n>forgot everything except my dice tray and spell cards>fuckssake.jpeg >one guy gives me a Set of dice to use and keep\n>dm copied some of my character stats\n>another guy gives me a new sheet to write them on>they all help me guesstimate hit points and inventory etc>mfw \"we need our cleric!\" >mfw finally have frens\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Playin Fallout >Come across a deathclaw >Had a sex mod installed for shits 'n giggles>Forgot I had it installed\n>Deathclaw fucking assrapes me\n>It has custom sound >mfw <|endoftext|>
>hanging out with group of people I don't know very well>one of them asks about my scars >try to change the subject, but she persists >starts making obviously wrong guesses >did I fall off a bike, is it a sports injury, is it from rock climbing, etc>eventually snap and say I did them to myself >she says \"You mean you blame yourself, because if you were better at riding a bike you wouldn't have fallen>\"No, I mean I literally cut them into my arm with a knife\">she pauses and gives me a disgusted look >\"Yeah, obviously. I was trying to give you an easy out to save your dignity\"<|endoftext|>
>fap all around my neighborhood, in bushes,>get noticed several times\n>\"Police are looking for a man aged 20-30, muscular>\"muscular build\" >tfw finally made it <|endoftext|>
>be 10\n>watching Scooby Door\n>tfw Velma's sexy the blanket>feelssogood.png\n>feel a volcano erupting in my loins\n>shout SCOOBY DOOBY DOO as I cum\n>Start doing it on the reg\n>SCOOBY DOOBY DOO every time I cum\n>Mom thinks I really like Scooby Doo\n>Mom buys me all seasons of Scooby Doo for Christmas<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>depressed because dad is cheating on mom>mom mad all the time\n>friends feel distant >find zero >he makes me laugh and is really good >he makes me happy >thanks zero <|endoftext|>
>be me >trying to set PR around some 5-ish k lap around where I live >running like a madman >but I might have overdone the pace >last uphill section coming up >cannot keep up, knees weak, arms spaghetty >halfway up the hill is a mother with her toddler coming down >decide that once I'm past them, I'll stop and walk the rest of the way up\n>don't wanna show signs of weak legs to complete strangers. As one does.\n>as I'm trying to jellyleg my way up past them, toddler notices me >\"Go, go, go!\" The lil\u2019 fella shouts at me >engage overdrive >increase tempo and blast up the rest of the hill >my legs substained by the cheers of toddler >complete the run home to make it PR <|endoftext|>
>be you >pathetic redditfag >can't make original memes\n>steal greentexts from 4chan fuck you<|endoftext|>
>be me >visiting America with family >go to restaurant for lunch >waitress assures my mom that the portions aren't excessive>get food >biggest plate of pasta I've ever seen >mfw I'm obese and even I couldn't finish more than half of it<|endoftext|>
>Catch my now ex-wife cheating on me. >Pretend nothing is wrong but turn into a manipulative sociopath.>Break gas gauge in her car. Siphon gas out randomly so she\u2019s always running out.>Get a nanny cam that\u2019s hidden in a lamp. Get video of her fucking around.>Find out everything I can about the guy she\u2019s fucking.\n>lol dance instructor. >Find out he's looking for work, get ahold >Rework it so it\u2019s not retarded, impersonate him, >He bites. Takes the job and after some mushy bullshit ghosts my wife.>Meanwhile I start siphoning money out of our accounts slowly and keep the cash hidden away in my>It\u2019s time. >Wait for her to be dead asleep, unlock her phone >She gets fired. Calls me bawling her eyes out. >When she gets home my wedding ring is on the table with her laptop playing the video of them fucking. Next<|endoftext|>
>Depressed teen >Tell parents >They somehow think fuckin 13 reasons why is the source of my>Fuckin lul >They just shout at me, disregarding my opinions, as per>wat do <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>play rust\n>meet a deaf guy 4 >tells me he gets bullied in school>we share loot and play together\n>one day he kills me calls me faggot and tells me he isnt deaf and im a pussy for getting bullied>mfw my only friend lied to me and stole everything <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>apply for light bulb assembly line job\n>no college\n>just two fast food jobs on resume\n>get to interview\n>job is actually to run the whole lightbulb >only the HR person at interview, other >HR person is showing me around\n>obviously has no idea how anything works\n>I just starting making up names for machines and processes>a couple employees say what they're doing so I vaguely know whats happening>interview ends, told I'm a top candidate\n>when lightbulbs start burning down houses, you'll know I got the job<|endoftext|>
>be me >work at McDonalds\n>overworked\n>underpaid >not sure what's happening but the manager says we have a new sauce.>No big deal, we do specials all the time\n>manager looks worried\n>imchillman.jpeg\n>look up at menu, see some cartoon on there, must be something for the kids>It's 6:58am, we open at 7:00am >there is a queue outside >MFW it's not children >A horde of sweaty mid 20 year olds stand outside waiting to get in, laughing manically.>all wearing clothing of the cartoon. >ohfuck.exe >the doors burst open and I'm greeted by the first customer.>he weighs over 300lbs and is wearing a fedora, with a neck beard only fit for a kissless virgin.>\"hyngeh I'll have schum cheeken mcnuggz an heh- heh- scheziuan zauuce!!\">the ogre looks back to the crowd\n>\"WUBALUBADUB-DUB!\" >The entire crowd of chubby shrek rejects respond\n>\"WUBALUBADUB-DUB!\"\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>retard\n>never done drugs once in my life>friends and family all think\n>boss also thinks I show up high to work>nobody believes me when I tell them I'm just fucking stupid>mfw <|endoftext|>
>mexican joins the server\n>turns on his mic\n>hear his mother yelling\n>baby crying\n>vacuum cleaner\n>\"CAAAAASSSSOOOO CEEEERRRRRAAAAADOOOOOOO\">police sirens\n>dog barking\n<|endoftext|>
>Past four years been \"saving\" all my vacation days>Plan was to eventually have enough vacation days that I could<|endoftext|>
>be 1 month neet after my job of a year>my only skill is videogames\n>think cooking is for girls\n>discover gordon ramsay >he's angry, but wise and understandable>start watching hall his videos >just made a pumpkin soup after his recipe and my whole family likes it and says good job>get happy that I finally did something on my own and that my family isn't angry or disappointing<|endoftext|>
>go for a walk >walk into a store >get a carton of milk >go outside and open milk >walk around while drinking it >enjoying life >few people start laughing >keep drinking milk <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>finishing last year of med school\n>hardest thing I\u2019ve ever done in my life>super intense studies never really 445kBJpG Nad time for social life or grills>last day of class >all the disciplines gathers for final summit >meet random Indian girl >pretty hot for a street shitter >smalitalk.mp3 >she invites me to end of the year party at friends >fuck it why not >arrive at party >full of chad and becky medfags so party is boring >think about leaving >finally spot the poopy qt >she\u2019s actually really interesting >end up talking about vidyas and music all night >eventually tells me her parents still live in some >parents gave everything to get her to school >sadviolin.wav >fast forward a month >finally graduated >grill and I have getting more serious >we are both looking for a residency at any hospital >entire process is exhausting >India qt tells me she is going home to visit her >asks me to go with her >never been abroad and need a break from job >decide to go with >Airindia.gif >inside of the plane smells like a curry dumpster\n>finally make it to New Delhi >parents live an hour car ride outside of the city\n>landscape getting increasingly shitty >see people literally shitting in the streets >wild dogs everywhere >get to parents house >mudhut with no windows >qt keeps apologizing for the slum horror\n>introduce myself to the parents >typical India npc\u2019s but super nice >mom starts cooking dinner >dad constantly swearing and chasing off dogs that try to come in the house while mom cooks>tells me the dogs are huge problem >tells me locals round up and kill the female dogs to stop them from breeding>grossed tf out but shrug it off >mom announces dinner is ready >never had authentic Indian food so I\u2019m fucking stoked>mfw the mom brings out an actual lasagna\n>mom sees I\u2019m stunned and confused >\u201doh, anon, my daughter told me you're Italian\u201d\n>i'm sicilian but ok >don\u2019t want to be rude >to my shock the lasagna is actually incredible\n>mom explains how difficult it was to find the ingredients>I ask what kind of meat she used >\u2019oh it\u2019s from last nights dog slaughter\u201d\n>excusemewhatthefuck.jpeg >mfw I\u2019m eating street dog >mfw I\u2019m eating dog lasagna >mfw I realize I\u2019m literally eating bitch lasagna\n>bitch lasagna >T-series ain't nothin but a bitch lasagna\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >meet qt3.14 in uni >ask her out on date >she says yes >fast forward 7 years were still together>I propose to her on our anniversary and she says yes>about 5 months pass and it\u2019s our wedding day>do out vowels and everything\n>\"You may now kiss the bride\u201d\n>leans in to kiss her >she suddenly turns into dust\n>wtf.jpg >most of the people in the church turn to dust as well<|endoftext|>
>walks out of bathroom after shower body.>tell her to fasten her towel before it falls off\n>she nods and fastens it before walking away\n>i go shower and forget about it\n>because im not some sick degenerate like you fucks. <|endoftext|>
>feel bad for a lonely guy in my class>invite him to a cosplay event\n>he shows up dressed as Fred Flintstone in blackface>he keeps screaming \"I yabba dabba dindu nuffin!\"<|endoftext|>
>Asked mom that I wanted to fuck a girl\n>She said, you can fuck me, but only in the ass.>Start fucking mom. >Decide to rub her clit >Find a dick >Turns out it was a prank by my dad. <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>sea turtle\n>chilling in the reef with my wife\n>have to move from reef to reef for munchies>chilling in the seagrass, munchin >spot massive fucking jellyfish\n>holyshit.jpg\n>swim towards it as fast as i can\n>finally reach the jellyfish\n>take a bite\n>wtf\n>its plastic\n>die from intestinal bloackage <|endoftext|>
>be me in the 4th grade\n>summer, cleaning the school yard\n>there's big nut-tree in the yard\n>classmates throw nuts in each other and have fun>one girl throws dirty nut in me and my white t-shirt is ruined>autism kicks in >imagine myself as Snake from mgs on the mission>sneak past the teacher who was looking after us\n>get a shovel without permission >dig out a big chunk of mud >yell out girl's name >she turns towards me >throw it at her >hit her face >she starts screaming and crying >everyone is looking at me >autism kicks in 2.0 >remember what dad often says when he argues with mother>say \"this is what you get for fucking with me, stupid hag\"<|endoftext|>
>shitty film reference\n>gay dad joke <|endoftext|>
>roommate asks me to drive him to I his dealer } >sure, I have nothing going on I >get in, start the car, put on>ask him to put it on\n>\"Why? Aren't you a good driver?\"\n>tell him it's my car and I want him to have his seatbelt on>\"lol fuck you man just drive\"\n>okay\n>get on the road, accelerate to 40mph\n>slam on the brakes\n>roommate flies out of his seat, his face hits the windshield>oh shit, sorry bro. Maybe you should put your fucking seatbelt on>he does\n>I turn the car around and drive us back home <|endoftext|>
>Beme\n> Years ago. Still in womb.\n> Hear dad whispering nice poems.> Gonnabeagoodlife.mp3\n> Hear dad leave for work.\n> Black hose starts knocking against my head.> Hear dad come back and cry.\n> Hear mom beg for forgiveness.\n> Says he's staying for me.\n> mfw I realize this wonderful man is going to get stuck with this thot because of me.> Cant let that happen.\n> Decide to poison her toth bloodstream\n> Gonnatakeyoudownwithme.divx\n> Hear dad in hospital say goodbye to me and mom.> Hear moms heart beat stop before mine does. Goodbye dad. You deserve a better life.<|endoftext|>
>gid friendzoned me >I stopped being her friend >no longer in the friendzone because we're not friends<|endoftext|>
>fuck hooker >having sex doesn't immediately solve all my problems>he fell for it Got another one, boys<|endoftext|>
> be middle school loner with no friends> close to summer holidays\n> all students were told to read the book> because school is inviting the obscure author of the book> he was the guest speaker during assembly\n> principal asks the school about what we thought of his book and questions about it> quiet, awkward silence\n> people were muttering nobody read it\n> felt bad for the author\n> told the author I enjoyed it and answered the questions> one question after another, only I answered\n> author was happy that I knew about the details\n> school staff felt less embarassed\n> after assembly classmates started to make fun of me> called kiss ass and book worm etc.\n> got the nickname ass-worm for the rest of the middle school<|endoftext|>
>be me, 26 ma few years ago >little sister calls me to ask if I can buy Girl Scout cookies>buy two boxes of thin mints\n>idea.png >tell little sister I'll make her tons of money>tell her to let me handle everything\n>turn on my computer >I'm a fucking genius >start selling \u201cmystery boxes\u201d through the dark web>there\u2019s an estimate shipment date of 2-3 weeks for the cookies to arrive>I sell a mystery box for $200 a pop\n>End up selling about 60-70 mystery boxes in three days>tell my sister >she is super happy >feelsgoodman >sister sold the most and got some award>mfw I operated an underground cookie ring>mfw I got contacted by the local police for shipping all those boxes of<|endoftext|>
>boss called a big meeting\n>starts yelling at everyone\n>don't care so let my mind wander\n>suddenly remembered ane something funny>can't control my laugh and start choking up>bury my face in my hands because I don't want everyone to know I'm laughing>suddenly everything goes quite and coworkers start yelling at the boss for \"making me cry\">boss ended up getting written up for berating me>suddenly coworkers are way more social with me<|endoftext|>
>be king >my people invent something and present it to me>it's a \"camera\" >it takes \"pictures\" out of a tube>a tube >takes square pictures >wtf >hang country for witchcraft\n<|endoftext|>
>be me, cat >sleeping from long day of being a cat\n>feel something cold on my head  ae >wake up = i = >owner standing there laughing like a>look up >can of coke on my had >tfw i like pepsi more >mfw no pepsi <|endoftext|>
>went to the store without a mask >cashier says i need one >\"I have a medical condition\" >cashier says 'I don't believe you, what is it?\n>'i have covid-19, so it's hard to breathe\u2019\n>cashier says \u2018oh ok then' >mfw <|endoftext|>
>walks out of bathroom after shower body.>tell her to fasten her towel before it falls off\n>she nods and fastens it before walking away\n>i go shower and forget about it\n>because im not some sick degenerate like you fucks. <|endoftext|>
>girl I know is nursing student\n>solid 9/10 >tells me she knows how to test for testicular cancer and can>tell her I learned in health class in high school and can do myself<|endoftext|>
>wake up\n>feelin kinda depressed\n>google highest point in my county  i >mt. whatever>drive 45mins to some trailhead >it's pretty cool. pretty windy tho\n>get back to my car as it's getting dark\n>chug hot Monster Zero Ultra that's been sitting in my center console all day>m,mmm sippy sipp\n>drive home feeling somewhat less depressed <|endoftext|>
>Read 314 pages of terms and conditions>Clicked \u2018disagree\u2019 <|endoftext|>
>uncle was dying of cancer >on hospital bed >doctors said he had 1 day left to live >sad, go to my room and lock the door >radomly decide to do a blood sacrifice >drew a pentagram on a piece of paper and then cut my palm with a knife and soaked the paper>prayed that my uncle gets better in exchange for my life\n>next day uncle makes a miraculous recovery <|endoftext|>
>have somewhat stable social circle in uni>get along with this one grill\n>she gives me a book for >for some reason never open it >weeks go by, she keeps asking about the book\n>quickly look up plot summary on wiki so that I can pretend I'm reading it>she's visibly annoyed and angry, says \"you probably never even opened it\u201d>insist that I read it, our relationship slowly deteriorates>we get our degrees and don't stay in touch >fast forward six years >find book while cleaning my apartment >decide to read it >find a little romantic note inside about how much I mean to her etc>mfw book is pretty boring\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>have a pretty shitty, boring day\n>feels sucky\n>go home\n>look at rock and mineral collection<|endoftext|>
>be 14\n>have a best friend\n>plays vidya, talk girls, a genuinely good friend.>about a month ago his mom passed away>a week before his birthday his dad reached out to me>confusion.jpeg\n>\"hey anon, it's friendanon\u2019s dad, I know you too are pretty close and next week is his birthday, figured we>I agree\n>\"that's great, as you know ever since friendanon's mom passed away he's been pretty bummed out so I>wtfwhybutok.png\n>agree to help him out because friendanon is my best friend.>mfw his dad asked me to bring a can of tomato sauce\n>whatthefuck.exe\n>fast forward to his birthday party\n>we just hanging out, some friends and family there just talking and congratulating friendanon, pretty cool>friendanon's dad clears his throat\n>\"ehm so as you all know it's friendanon's birthday today, so for some time I've been thinking what would>friendanon's dad takes out a plate with pasta and red sauce, puts it on the table and puts on a gentle smile.>friendanon tastes it and begins to cry\n>turns out it was his mother's special recipe.\n>anon gets so excited and emotional he throws up\n>he's all shaking\n>his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy\n>there's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti <|endoftext|>
>be me, family over for Christmas Eve>grandpa comes over too, he's sort of a nerd and loves older comic>start watching Attack on Titan and hear a knock at the door>\"hey anon, whatcha up to?\", it's my grandpa\n>decide he's nerd enough that he would get anime\n>start showing him attack on titan and explaining lore and showing off figures i have>he looks super interested and smiles a lot and eventually leaves>mfw later overhear him asking my mom if i have any learning disabilities<|endoftext|>
>be me, 8 at the time\n>playing in front lawn\n>dude comes up with a van\n>dressed in trenchcoat and wearing dark glasses>not knowing better say, \"sure!\"\n>he takes my hand and leads me to his van\n>driving around for a little bit\n>stops\n>gets out\n>back of van opens, a dog leaps inside\n>oh boy!\u2019\n>\"okay, thanks for the help, want to go home now?\"\n>\"yeah!\"\n>takes me home\n>telling parents about my adventure\n>dad rapes me <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>be faggot <|endoftext|>
>Be me >Best friend decides to become a >Is the only person there for her >tfwyou'renotequippedforthisshit.jpg >She tries to kill herself and ends up in the psych >Is her emergency contact and pretty much her >Begs the nurse at the hospital to keep her in >They don't listen and let her out so you spend >The emotional toll from her behaviour pretty >Fast forward a few weeks and she has an >Acknowledges that you're a wreck rn >\"Sorry if I distance myself from you anon, you're <|endoftext|>
>Show up in film industry when nobody was asking for you>Become highest grossing film of all time\n>Promise a million sequels and deliver zero\n>Leave >Show up a decade later just to cuck Marvel out of getting highest grossing movie>Leave again >Nobody remembers a single line of dialogue\n<|endoftext|>
>yesterday decide to fuck my first >while she's riding me she ask if i >tell her i went from 145kg to 80kg >she look amazed and tell me that i'll look so good when i'll hit the gym cause i have a beautiful face>proceed to ride me harder\n<|endoftext|>
>at the zoo\n>decide to take guided tour since one is about to start>lady asks if there's any qustions before the tour begins>everyone stares at him\n>lady says all of the primates are in the jungle exhibit on the other side of the zoo>guy takes off into a full sprint towards the monkeys>about an hour later\n>tour catches up to guy in front of the chimpanzees\n>he's bobbing his head in sync with all the chimps <|endoftext|>
> On the train to London > Really need to fart > Starting to hurt a bit > Starting to hurt a lot > Train shakes a little, want get up to go to the bathroom before I fucking burst> Don't get the chance, my sphincter can no longer take the strain\n> Manage to discreetly edge my buttcheeks apart, comes out slowly but silently> Pass gas for a Solid 60 seconds >Ohno > Oh god the fucking smell > People are looking at each other > It's really fucking bad. > enemyspotted.jpeg > A foreign smell impacts my nostrils > The dude opposite me is staring me right in the eyes > He fucking knows, and ripped one of his own > It's fucking on > Spread the cheeks a little wider, much as I dare > Push > Clearly and loudly shit myself staring into the eyes of a complete stranger.<|endoftext|>
>be young >have a brother 1 year older\n>mother gets daily visitors\n>each time she gets a visitor she locks us in a room>looks away and says :\"lookout for your retarded brother>each one of us thinks the other is retarded>mother dies <|endoftext|>
>I wanted to turn my life around after peaking my weight at 180kg>went to the local gym paid for the special weight lose program>around 520$ per month for 3- >got told to go to the aerobics class >went there and a trainer came in and started telling us what to do as warm ups>walking, stretching and such >being a fat fuck I couldn\u2019t even last 3min before sitting a side fighting for air>they start knee raising >gymbro was watching from the side >he came to me and asked when did I join >told him that i just did >told me to pick my things up and follow him\n>told me that i wouldn\u2019t last and would drop out soon or injure myself trying>told me that I should start by just walking outside, no need for a gym now be any activity would give>went down to the manger\u2019s office and took my card>he went in for a while and came back with cash\n>signed some papers >went outside the gym and gave me his phone number>told me to lose as much weight i can by walking and doing basic workouts>and whenever i feel that i can join back he'll give me a discount>deal <|endoftext|>
>be me >half-chad/half-autist hybrid >16, just got my license >have this qt3.14 in class >wanted to fuck her since I >idmotorboatthatass.gif >idsucktheairoutofherballoonknot.raw >\"anon, will you take me to get ice cream?\" >you betcha >take her out >drop her home after >she comments on my facebook that night: >\"thanks for the icecream anon, maybe next time I'll take you for a ride\">\"I didn't know you had your license\" >\"anon ur so funny. but if we keep getting ice cream we'll have to do some sort of physical work>\"nahh, I don't really put on weight\" >no more icecream after that >mfw I get the 10yr facebook memory of the comment exchange>mfw i realize I'm more than a half-autist hybrid\n<|endoftext|>
>get job >virus hits >lose job >get job fighting virus\n>virus Cured <|endoftext|>
>be burn victim\n>Disney sells me as a toaster <|endoftext|>
>at the zoo\n>decide to take guided tour since one is about to start>lady asks if there's any qustions before the tour begins>everyone stares at him\n>lady says all of the primates are in the jungle exhibit on the other side of the zoo>guy takes off into a full sprint towards the monkeys>about an hour later\n>tour catches up to guy in front of the chimpanzees\n>he's bobbing his head in sync with all the chimps <|endoftext|>
>be me >have one shot at life\n>born gay in iran mfw<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>fap to porn daily\n>damn I wish girls were real <|endoftext|>
>Be 6 at the time\n>Spent most of my childhood being abused and neglected by evil mom>I was hungry and the loud party music upset me\n>I cried all night while she fucked random teens and smoked weed>Her asshole boyfriend burned me with a cigar when I wouldn't stop crying>Mom got angry at my crying again so she threw me out in the streets>I was literally a toddler wandering the streets of West Belfast at night>Can't exactly remember what happened but the Police found me>A year later I was adopted by my two gay dads\n>Best parents ever\n>Never harmed me in any way\n>treated me like a king\n>Provided me the best quality of life\n>Always supported me\n>They never treated me differently for being heterosexual<|endoftext|>
>superglue GPS tracker to bicycle >leave it unlocked infront of my apartment >wait for people to steal it >chase them in my car, get out and kick their ass\n>take their wallets >repeat <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>have gf, life is good\n>gf oftentimes complains about makeup being difficult to put on, taking too long etc>be good bf and act sympathetic 53) >think to myself makeup cant be harder>ffw to today\n>gf is gone for uni\n>finish painting my primaris eliminator squad\n>whatnow.jpg\n>remember gf bitching about makeup\n>decide to put her makeup on myself\n>its easy af\n>first the primer (\"foundation\" in makeup speak)\n>put on eyeshadow, colours are easy af to combine and blend>put on mascara\n>have a raging erection the whole time <|endoftext|>
>be me >surgeon >35 hour operation >do it perfectly with no mistakes everyone thanks god<|endoftext|>
>have a workmate called Amir\n>also huge gamer\n>obviously we befriend eachother within 1 week>basicly best friends\n>we decide to prank our non gamer colleagues\n>Act and speak like NPCs from different Games when we meet>literally word by word random Oblivion chatter\n>literally asked him if he went to the sky district often>last week\n>working normally\n>Amir is like 3 desks near me\n>suddenly a huge bang is heard\n>probably just a plane\n>Amir: \"By the gods, is that the voice?!\"\n>Me: \"Dragonborn\"\n>we both break out laughing\n>had to explain to 3 HR ladies what we are doing\n>1 is laughing her tits of, the other 2 get angry and tell us to grow up<|endoftext|>
>Modern man exists for 200.000 years>99% of that is humans being cavemen>Then suddenly we go from being cavemen to exploring the solar<|endoftext|>
>one asian character in the entire franchise\n>name is Ching Chong\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>17\n>male\n>broke af\n>think of ways to make easy\n>remember hearing about girls selling feet pics on OnlyFans>look at my feet\n>notice how feminine they look idea.jpg>turn 18\n>download OnlyFans on my phone\n>setup billing information and shit\n>shave off all hair on my feet and lower legs\n>take pictures of feet\n>horny retards start paying monthly subscriptions for my feet>starts off slow but eventually start making decent money>doesn\u2019t matter, now financially stable <|endoftext|>
>be me >at work >work next to a place with a lot of mexicans, most don't>have to fart >qt 3.14 latina chick walking by>think \"she doesn't speak English so she wont>fart VERY LOUD >she looks at me in disgust\n>mfw I realize how fucking autistic I am<|endoftext|>
>Be me, 31, software programmer , fora tech company in a city>Everyday get 45min break for >The best places to eat are next to >Next to bench area is this bucket drummer\n>He's REALLY good.\n>Been going there to eat my lunch every mon-fri for the past year or so>Always give him a dollar. Least I could do. Pretty cheap for 30min of entertainment.>Went to my work today to grab my laptop\n>Got lunch in same spot as always, notice he isn't out there>Shrug it off, he probably isn't out here on Sundays.>Very sad woman comes and places flowers on where he normally performs>My heart skips a beat, I felt my stomach drop\n> \"Who are those for?\"\n> She proceeds to tell me that the drummer was killed by a driver that was texting while he was>Told me his name was Devin\n>Never spoken a word to Devin, but everyday when I give him a dollar he'd smile and wave at>Even though I don't know Devin, or even his name until now, I'm devastated right now.>My life in the corporate cage sucked, Devin was my way of escaping into music.>Worst part was I never got to tell him how much better his music would make my shitty days.>RIP Devin, thank you for your beautiful music. <|endoftext|>
> be me 13 years old > grew up in a fucked up home with manipulative and abusive parents> older brother quits his study in the midst of getting a PhD to get me and my little> living with him >haven't been happier in my life > practically saved our life > he forces me to keep my attention at school to accomplish something in my life, something he sacrificed> 2 years go by > he got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer > he never lost hope and always walked around with a smile> dies > 14 years of school and many degrees later > mfw I'm a certified orthopedic surgeon and I'd probably have killed myself if he wasn't there for us>i will never forget you bro <|endoftext|>
>Dad left when I was 12yo >I'm now 36yo >Calls me every 3 months or so to ask if I want fish>If I say yes he drops by and gives me a frozen fish<|endoftext|>
>go into work\n>coworker says \u2018hey anon, seems like last year since i see-'<|endoftext|>
>pirate game\n>company loses $60\n>delete game\n>company receives back $60\n>pirate game 1 million times\n>company loses $60M and\n>buy company for a few dollars and become CEO>delete all the pirated copies\n>$60M deposited in my account\n>suddenly CEO of my own game company with millions to make my dream game<|endoftext|>
>live in cheap-ass apartment with thin as fuck walls\n>don't mind, I am a mild-mannered and quiet man and don't even play music\n>unfortunately neighbours\u2019 bed is right next to the wall, and they fuck like 6-8 times per week>too awkward to complain >get better idea >dig out my stereo that I never use, and be prepared\n>select the best possible song\n>wait >hear neighbours start to fuck again ILIKE TO MOVE-T MOVEXT, I LIKE TO MOVE-F-MOVE IT>they stop >I stop >we wait >they start again >they stop >this repeats >start doing this every time, always have the song prepared and stereo charged\n>this goes on for weeks >they'te silent for a whole three weeks\n>I hear them start again >they stop immediately and dont start again >they haven't fucked for 3 months now\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >sit in class >remember one time in kindergarten when a girl took a>find that memory really fucking >burst out laughing >teacher gets pissed >asks what so funny >silence. Jpg >say that I thought about a mole >teacher looks at me like I'm retarded >mfw when I actually begin thinking about moles now>remember moles are blind and probably bump into each other all the time>begin laughing again >get detention\n<|endoftext|>
>Orange man bad >orange man good <|endoftext|>
>finally tell mom im a superhero\n>bitch doesnt believe me\n>shoot my web on her\n>grounded >mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >japanese >living with a white family in the US A >pretty sweet gig honestly>call her a baka and tell her to get out\n>\"FOR THE LAST TIME ANON YOU'RE NOT JAPANESE YOU'RE JUST A>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>beme > actually have a really good life, get girls, etc> get sad every once in a while > go on 4chan and thank God I'm not like any of you degenerates> thx guys\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me  rs) >Flat Earther (\"] >Friend works at NASA y >Gives me a ticket to go to outer>He said it'll change my views\n>Don'tbelievehim.png >Go to outer space >See that the Earth is round >wtfman.jpg >This can't be real >Realize NASA must have hacked my eyes <|endoftext|>
>spiderbro is on wall >spiderbro knew >sadface jpg\n<|endoftext|>
>getting a divorce i ca) a) >wife had been cheating on me for a while, planned it out for>basically am fucked, she covered all her legal ground, even though she ears more I'll probably have to pay alimony, she'll>my boy is the most gentle soul ever, so creative and funny\n>likes fortnite though, but I still love him very much, sometimes I just sit on the sofa next to him eating Cheetos and tease him for>the daughter is a bit weird, distant, hostile but we have our bond we watch shows together GOT, Suits, blindspot, the 100, etc.>1 wish we did more together but I respect her space\n>Never realized how much I'd miss these little moments with them until they were about to vanish\n>hearing comes\n>judge asks who they want to stay with, doesn't really matter either way, their wishes aren't binding, it's pretty certain the judge is gonna give it to wife, but I'm still pretty happy to hear daughter say she>until she shows the bruises and scars\n>says my wife had been abusing her\n>I'm shocked, my wife could be a cheater but she wasn't an abuser\n>I get suspicious when she shows cigarette burns on her arm (wife doesn't smoke)\n>she even shows a medical report claiming she suffered \u201cforced anal and genital insertions\u201d\n>get full custody, child support and wife's gonna end up in a sex offender list\n>I ask daughter why she never told me any of this\n>admits it\u2019s all bullshit, she found out about the affair a while ago and started hurting herself, got a friend to help with the genital stuff>'she ruined our family so I ruined her life\u201d So apparently I'm raising a complete psychopath. Welp, al least my ex got screwed over.<|endoftext|>
>play chess with someone online\n>load up chess on my computer and set the opponent to Master>I simulate their move on my >copy what the Master difficulty bot does\n>repeat >ez victory <|endoftext|>
>in bed with gf >she wants my attention >decides upon the best course of action >rams her fingers up my butthole >jesusfuckwoman >\"just a little bit of trolling\" >mfw <|endoftext|>
>HOLY MOLY HAVE YOU SEEN THE SUPPOSED NEW LEADER - >OMG YASSSSSS dictator queen<|endoftext|>
>be on road trip >in texas >decide to stop at a steakhouse in east texas bumfuck nowhere>they have a salad bar\n>pasta salad\n>marshmallow salad >potato salad >macaroni salad >fruit salad with whipped cream >there's no vegetables at the salad bar <|endoftext|>
>be 8\n> sleep at grandmas\n>can never sleep because she puts plastic on the bed>never piss myself\n>goes on for years\n> trouble in family never see her\n>13 years later\n> out of town for work stay at her place\n> go out with co workers and drink all night\n>come back to grandmas\n>no plastic fuckyea.jpg\n> sleep amazing\n> wake up covered in piss because I drank too much<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>19 yo 6/10\n>Go out to movie with bestie of 3 years>9/10 >Dinner and movie >Get ice cream afterwards\n>Give her a glass flower I bought earlier in the month>She loves it and we go for a walk\n>Pull out 5GUM:TRUTH OR DARE PACK\n>Her wrapper says take a selfie with eyes closed\n>She does\n>I read mine It says to ask the most beautiful person in the room>We laugh it off but u remember the glass flower base has a mirror on the bottom side>Look at the mirrored base Oh look I found her!>Showed her the mirrored base of the flower\n>We smile and kiss for the first time ever\n>She reads the other part of the wrapper\n>\"What's the most romantic moment you've shared with the person next to you?\">\"This one right now\"\n>mfw how it feels to chew 5gum <|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>Colorblind\n>Decide to make greentext >How did I do guys\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>surgeon >35 hour operation >do it perfectly with no mistakes everyone thanks god<|endoftext|>
>Be freshman in college >first time smoking weed >already trashed on whiskey >twist hard >post up outside and pretend to be security\n>brothers let me and eventually leave >asking people for IDs for about an hour >whole time drinking hard liquor >2 cops come up the stairs and ask to come in >ask them for IDs >\"We are the fucking cops, we are going to come in.\u201d\n>I say \"riddle me this...\u201d then proceed to puke on one of them.\n>They stagger back in shock >Ohfuck > run my drunk ass back to my dorm >Shave my head and beard >see cops every day patrolling the campus. >never recognize me <|endoftext|>
>I will forgive $50k in student loans >no wait, I'll forgive $10k in student loans >okay maybe not that, but i'll extend the loan pause Trump implemented>okay its been long enough, go back to paying off your debt, buckos<|endoftext|>
> how fucking cool is that for someone her age<|endoftext|>
>go in for job interview >Only motherfucker in there with ironed >Everyone else showed up to the interview >I'm the only person that brought a copy <|endoftext|>
>college student\n>Comes home for summer 6~I >Cleans old high school room so it>finds old flash drive from when I was in middle school>Plugs it in\n>Finds shit ton of pictures of a little boy naked and posing>Wtf\n>Realizes the kid in pictures are younger me\n>Finds word document\n>\u201cHello anon, glad to see you again. Take these pictures and sell them online to make bank. It's not>Destroy flash drive >Crinae so fucking hard\n<|endoftext|>
>English class assignment is to change up a popular saying>Teacher randomly assigns phrases >I get \u201che could sell snow to an Eskimo.\u201d\n>Easy >Stand in front of the class and say my >I say \u201che could sell Zyklon B to a Jew.\u201d >Solid 30 seconds of silence, then chaos >I'm waiting for my parents to meet with the principal\n>His name is Mr. Rosenblatt >It\u2019s looking bad fellow Anons\n<|endoftext|>
>Live in Brazil >there are no schools\n>there are no movie theaters\n>there are no malls >still get shot <|endoftext|>
>write song about \"Imagine all the >beat his wife, ignore his fucking >writes songs about \"I Am The Walrus\" >he's not a walrus, he's actually a human <|endoftext|>
>Leave a steam review on a small game bashing it with negative rating>Dev replies\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >meet qt3.14 in uni >ask her out on date >she says yes >fast forward 7 years were still together>I propose to her on our anniversary and she says yes>about 5 months pass and it\u2019s our wedding day>do out vowels and everything\n>\"You may now kiss the bride\u201d\n>leans in to kiss her >she suddenly turns into dust\n>wtf.jpg >most of the people in the church turn to dust as well<|endoftext|>
>Seen IKEA difficult assembly memes\n>Order several pieces of furniture over three weeks.>No missing pieces >No confusing assembly, no troubles assembling what so ever.<|endoftext|>
>be me an hour ago >Working minimum wage >GF wants pizza >Have a $5 and some quarters\n>Go to local pizza shop >Order\n>Fuckyeah.jpg\n>Go to pay >Start pulling out quarters >Last few are stuck wrapped up in my pocket\n>Struggling >Sweating.jpg >Owner walks over >\"Just give him the pizza he needs it\" >Tell him I can give him the money >\"No no bless your soul you can keep it\"\n>Leave with pizza >Mfw he thought I was homeless <|endoftext|>
>world's destiny is in the hands of F ie drug addicts, alcoholics, gamblers,<|endoftext|>
>Beme\n>14 >Don't share online stuff with parents, as usual for teens\n>One day, mom walks into room >Asks to see through my laptop and phone >Tell her no\n>She says she will ground me and take away EVERYTHING i have\n>Ask her if she would like if I looked through her PC and phone >\"T have nothing to hi\n>I'm forced to say yes >Finds my Reddit, Insta and Snap alongside my hentai stash >Oh shit >Takes away my phone and laptop and makes me delete all my accs\n>Well fuck >Beme\n>15 now, still feels violated of privacy since >Asks mom for her phone to watch YouTube >Agrees: >Watch YT for a while, gets bored >Goes through her texts >Finds out she has been cheating on my dad with her co-worker\n>Tell Dad, show him the proof >Dad confronts mom, she tells the truth >Dad files for divorce and wins custody of me and litle sis >Visiting mom, she\u2019s living with a friend\n>Confess to her that I was the one who told dad >She is shocked and asks why >\"You said you had nothing to hide so I checked to make sure\u201d\n>She remembers when she took my laptop and phone, etc\n>Starts bawling and says I ruined her life, etc\n>loldontcare.mp3 >Dad comes to pick me and sis up >Mom screams \"I never ever want to see you again\u201d >K >Drive away <|endoftext|>
>She gets hospitalized  f >Doctor tell us she will be here until>Tell my girlfriend I have to cancel our plans for new year\u2019s party at a friend house because I'll be>She tells me she is still going without me\n>I think to myself \u201cwell I don't want her to have a shitty New Year so it's ok\u201d>Later today best bro calls me\n>\"hey buddy, I heard that you are staying at the hospital for new year, I canceled my plans and will<|endoftext|>
>make post criticizing google\n>next captcha shows street near my house<|endoftext|>
>be me, 19\n>dad got a new job, brings up his old work bench from>he shows me magnets on the side of the bench of me and my little bro from 10>cringe but laugh at how I used to look, scrawny fuck with buck teeth bc it was>notice he had baseball shaped silly bandz in his bench drawers>sit there and smile as I realize my dad really has cared for my lil bro and I all>feel sad because when we were that little my parents were going through a rough>replace the sadness with happiness once more, the pasts in the past. I love my dad.<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>high school\n>notice I haven't said a word in the first week>idea.docx\n>what if I pledge a vow of silence\n>actually commit >ffw a year >selective mutism >crippling social anxiety >art teacher thought I had autism\n<|endoftext|>
>I just lost an argument in my head against a person that doesn't even exist>l even stuttered <|endoftext|>
>Some friends I played games with used to call me goblin due to my nose>didn't see them for about 3 years\n>started to workout since then >got really buff >saw them again yesterday >now they call me hobgoblin <|endoftext|>
>be Russian\n>turn 18\n>get conscripted into the Army\n>show up to your unit\n>get relentlessly bullied by every minority group>get sent into a warzone with zero training>drive into combat in an unarmored Ural truck\n>get shot in the face by a Ukrainian partisan after making it a km past the border>unit needs to take Kiev tomorrow, so no time to recover casualties>your body gets tossed to the side of the road\n>your body starts to rot and become a health hazard. local villagers bury you in a shallow grave>your body is never found and your mom spends the rest of her life wondering what became of you<|endoftext|>
>manage to get a gf at 23 >move in together >things are really looking good for me  aa >two years go by>one day get drunk at home with her >she says she's been fucking her coworker who she >figure she's just drunk and making stuff up >go through her phone just in case >mfw she's been sexting and exchanging nudes with him >leave the apartment while she's ranting about how good >she's moves in with him a month after <|endoftext|>
>wanting to kill yourself\n>remembering your chances of spawning back as indian are too<|endoftext|>
>be me >road trip with 12 year old sister\n>cummed in my pants <|endoftext|>
>\"Drake?\n>\"What?\"\n>\"Where is the body of Christ?\n<|endoftext|>
>find Belle Delphine irl\n>she likes me and we go to my place\n>we start fucking >holy shit lost my virginity to Belle\n>dad comes into my room >wake up <|endoftext|>
>be me >been working at bbq joint for 3 years>boss is like a dad but cooler, we drink/smoke>song from his favorite >answer instantly with correct answer \"aaayyyyyee thats my boy\">mfw it feels good to have someone proud of me<|endoftext|>
>is fat/looks fat >doesn't lift >only eats fish and berries . >still faster and stronger<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Few weeks ago >Go to Apple store to get battery replaced >Spend an hour and thirty minutes walking around, come back>They tell me the phone is missing some parts, so the battery is unreplaceable>Next day >Go to shitty PcFix, feces everywhere, legit the most dingiest fucking place alive>ask to get battery replaced > He goes in the back for fifteen to thirty minutes\n>Comes back, battery health is replaced and 100% capacity.>Ask if any parts were missing, they weren't. >Pay the 60$ and walk out <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>18m\n>have gf for first time\n>epic.png\n>be yesterday\n>think it's weird how she keeps resting her leg on my member>tell her yeah girls like to feel it rise>wif.jpeg\n>thatsgayasfyuck.gif\n>realize that she's more comfortable with the existance of my dick than I am<|endoftext|>
>applies reverse logic >realises women will never settle for him<|endoftext|>
>On an airplane to Asia >Sitting in my seat when I see this 400 pound sack of shit trying to sit between two Japanese cuties>Squeezes into his seat and immediately asks for a soda\n>That plane hasn't even took off yet, you fat cunt >With morbid curiosity I watch him intently, as he eats numerous meals, double snacks, three mini cartons of>Disgust, unending >Watch as he gets up to try and fit in the airplane toilet\n>Fits, barely >Comes back to the disgust of the Japanese girls and the stewardess>Is a smelly, disgusting pain in the ass the entire trip >By this point this fucking faggots existence is pissing me off>Can't stand it anymore, so when the plane lands I catch that fucker in the bathroom in Asia>Look him dead in the eyes and tell him how fucking much I hate him and how he needs to change his ways>I punch him, hoping to drive the point home >The mirror spiderwebs, and I cut my hand <|endoftext|>
>Be me >17 fem >Try to get abotion >Start to hear whispers in my ear\n>Look behind me  aos JP >Needle goes into my throat and I>Wake up >Im tied to a chair >Look around >See Ben Shapiro >Pulls bat out >Hits me so hard I cant move >Takes the baby out, no painkiller\n>Says \"Libtard, I will raise this baby\"\n>Bleed and die in the middle of nowhere\n>All I see is ben sapiro chant a magic spell, and the baby grows into a clone of Ben Shapiro>I die a few minutes later\n<|endoftext|>
>be 16 at new high school\n>months pass, still no fiends >people ignore me, bully me >decide to host movie night to make friends >people show up but don't like the movie >they tease me next day in school >no options left but to try another movie night >20 people show up just to make fun of me >put on my favorite Jim Carrey movie >they actually like it >next day in school people start defending me >\"hey dontt pick on anon, he's pretty cool\u201d >have a bunch of fiends now >mfw no one cared who I was until I put on \u201cThe Mask\u201d <|endoftext|>
>open server browser\n>hop around playing whatever map and gamemode you want eG I >settle in with a community>have fun gimmick rounds with each other\n>certain players start to distinguish themselves as the best of their role>the sight of these titans is enough to demoralize the other team>can spend hours every day playing with the same pool of players>it's completely feasible to develop your skills and become one of the best on the server>open matchmaking\n>game decides which players, map, and mode you'll be playing>everybody is streaming or in an external voice chat program>round ends and you'll never see them ever again <|endoftext|>
>be me >Viet Cong >hear Fortunate Son in distance\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>be me > actually have a really good life, get girls, etc> get sad every once in a while > go on 4chan and thank God I'm not like any of you degenerates> thx guys\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Be a useless sack of shit till I'm 18 >Start teaching myself math >For once in my lifetime I have self confidence >Feel like I'm literally unstoppable >Go to a restaurant >As I am paying the tab this genius idea crosses my mind >I write the definite integral of a polynomial as the tip >My logic at the time was that only someone who is good in math should deserve the tip>I smugly smile to the waitress expecting her to be confused or to >Instead she whips out her phone, types wolframalpha (I presume) and finds the solution in less than 20 seconds>Turns out that my mental estimate of 16$ was wrong and the tip actually amounts to about 300$ >Too ashamed to protest\n<|endoftext|>
>went to store 1 hour before closing>gather my shit and head to the >cashier solid 7/10 >start casual conversation about assholes who come in 5 mintues before closing, and about our>payed and about head out\n>she says \"you know, my shift is almost done\"\n>me \u201calright! have a good weekend, bye!\" <|endoftext|>
>Call Amazon customer service\n>I'm informed the call center guy is speaking from Egypt>Turns out to be the most professional, most polite call>Thank him a lot >\"Always at your service Sir\"\n>Before leaving I ask him if he's actually Egyptian\n>\"Yes\"\n>congratulate him on his perfect Italian\n>\"Thanks, I invite you to visit Egypt, the country of the the Sphinx and the Pyramids, one of the seven>Haha wow thanks!\n>\"I've worked with Italians before. You can visit my city which is located there near there, you'll love it>Thank him so much, and ask him his name again\n>He knows mine from the screen I felt /international/ love bliss bros. I now have a<|endoftext|>
>be me > first day as Redditfag > heard they\u2019re all smart > thought that I can learn something new from the comments> 1.4k upvotes >it said \u201cnice\u201d >Idon\u2019tgetit.jpeg >look at the second most upvoted comment\n> it said \u201cnice\u201d >look at the most downvoted comment >it said \u201cnice\u201d >mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>teacher assigns you a female partner\n>she is visibly upset  S>2Q2NKR201N # s>m2ARNnKRANAaI #<|endoftext|>
>Go out of map bounds\n>High level enemy spawns that kills you almost immediately<|endoftext|>
>be me <\u00a2 \\ >in bed S >can't sleep so I'm watching porn Y >) >cum>don't know what to do with the cum, the sink is too far away>heard that semen is really good for your skin>just rub it on my face as a joke and go to sleep\n>wake up the next day >mfw all of my pimples are gone <|endoftext|>
>be me, man >identify as a female because gender is a social construct>jack off >once I'm done, identify as male again >got jerked off by a gril >mfw got a handjob <|endoftext|>
>wife about to leave for holiday trip to Jamaica>almost finished downloading all my games I'll play when she's>working from home due to the >holiday trip to jamaica hahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH<|endoftext|>
>Add random guy >talk trash >says he wants to fight >says he lives in Chicago >at around 3am send him to a large park about 10 minutes away>\"I'm here, where you at ni a?\" >\"I've been waiting here you b ch, show yourself\"\n>keep insisting that I'm there and that he's flaking on the fight>tell him to scream so that I can locate him >sends me videos of him screaming at 3 am in chicago>send him a picture of my penis and call himafa ot\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >xboxfag >more of a casual gamer, just play every now and then>pretty good tho >enjoy my time, distracts me from >enter xxx_pu55ys1ayer_xxx >fucking chad >always joins my games without me inviting him\n>fucks up whatever I'm doing >makes fun of me >knows I'm a virgin >lol just get laid anon >fucking chad >one day I'm playing cod just doing my thing\n>he joins >\"lol 1v1 me bro\u201d >fucking fine >epicgamertime.jpg >I rain hell upon him with the force of a thousand virgins>he doesn't get a single kill >feelsgood.gif >he's fucking pissed >\"FuCkinG AiMbOt\" >starts cursing at me >makes fun of me >says I'll never get laid >oh that's it >the camel's back has shattered >plan devised >tell him I'm going to fuck his mom >\"...dude what?\" >I leave the game and start planning >I use my epic gamer skills to find out where this faggot lives>I show up to his house while he's at school\n>knock on the door >his mom answers the door with open arms\n>sweet lady, almost makes me feel bad for what I'm about to do>almost >we go into her living room and make conversation>laughing at all my jokes >I go in for the kiss >she hesitates at first but I'm persistent\n>manonamission >she gives in to my charm and kisses back\n>getting steamy >I penetrate her as soon as I hear the front door open>\"mom I'm home!\" >he walks in just to see me balls feel in the woman who spawned him>look of absolute horror and disgust on his face\n>he runs out of the house >mom's crying >I leave, my work done >mfw my brother finally stopped joining my games<|endoftext|>
>Race: human, white\n>Sex: male\n>Class: knight with a longsword<|endoftext|>
>2 years of progress undone in 2 weeks thats life<|endoftext|>
>had sex with my bf last night\n>sort of >he's very against \"sluts\" >thinks women should be virgins bla bla>so whatever i lied >anyway he was the worst lay i ever had in my life>dick was small yes but i've had small guys who made up for it in other ways>he fucked me for about 20 minutes >on and off because he didn't have stamina and needed to rest a bunch>it became clear he wasn't going to come from intercourse>told him to just jerk off >so he grabs his cock ridiculously tight like he was trying to strangle it>shouts \"mommy\" as he comes >mfw <|endoftext|>
>Be me q >Security guard at airport I >Fml every day same shit>Consider suicide at least twice a shift>She's walking a bit funny Suspicion.zip>Run metal detector on her while trying to cop a cheeky feel>Oh shit detector went off\n>Oh shit she looks nervous best investigate>Oh shit oh shit oh shit\n>mfw I just busted an international diamond smuggler<|endoftext|>
>be brain >chilling in some dude's head >he fell asleep wait check this out\n>AYO WE'RE FALLING BRO\n>jumpscare.exe >Imao go back to sleep dumbass\n<|endoftext|>
> Be playing Adventurers league a few years ago > had a cool DM who was very tolerant with our shit\n> we had a kid around the age of 11 in our group who was constantly sick> kid had some sort of disability which left him wheelchair bound and constantly in and out of> kid enjoyed playing D&D with us but it was usually difficult when he needed to go to the Hospital> our DM realized that it would be difficult to schedule arround this> our DM also knew how much this kid loved D&D. > so the DM decided to do something for the kid > the day before one of our sessions, the DM visited the kid at the hospital> the DM then gave the kid a gift > it was a laptop with a webcam that the DM bought for him> he told the kid that if he couldn't attend a session due to him being hospitalized, the kid could Skype us> the kid never missed a single session after that. <|endoftext|>
>finish cigarette\n>drop it in can >mfw it's the soda I just walked into the kitchen to get<|endoftext|>
>moaned while the nice haircut lady washed my hair<|endoftext|>
>Was going to kill myself today\n>Parents get me this cake for my birthday\n>Going to kill myself tomorrow\n<|endoftext|>
>be me saturday morning\n>carefully walking to bedroom with a cup full of coffee>realize fuck it, I can just yeet this cup, future me will have to clean it up>yeet said cup, coffee everywhere on carpet and bed>jerk off while laughing at cuck future me\n>mfw I'm future me <|endoftext|>
>me, 4 years ago >24 >disgustingly obese piece of garbage >best friend fit as hell >tells me i should lose weight, never pushing it on me too much tho>keep telling him i could, if i wanted to, but i don't care>yeah... sure... >one day he signs me up for gym membership and offers to pay for it>\"I just want a gym buddy, bruh. you don't have to do much, if you don't want to.\">okaythen.jpg >friend gets into car accident 2 days later >dies. >motherfucking dies. <|endoftext|>
>be me >sophomore in highschool >1999 >picked on EVERY. FUCKING. DAY\n>always \u201chaha you're a faggot anon\u201d \u201cfuck anon he\u2019s weird\u201d \u201cget>then one day something happened >something magical >suddenly I\u2019m not so weird >suddenly people say \u201chey anon how you doing today?\u201d \u201cHey anon there's a party at chads house>mfw columbine improved my highschool life 500% because these normies thought I was gonna<|endoftext|>
>Taliban is now running around with M4s decked in western-style operator gear,<|endoftext|>
>go walking to a new gym by my house everyday>its raining . >cute /fit/ receptionist asks>\"y-yeah s-s-sure\" >don't even have a car >oh god what do i do what do i do\n>in the parking lot keep getting deeper and deeper into the lie>stand in the parking lot for a few seconds\n>\"are you okay?\" she asks\n>start sprinting away from her\n>sprint all the way to my house\n>never been to that gym again <|endoftext|>
>be me 5'10 >at party chatting to 3 qts and a 61 lanklet>qts ask lanklet how tall he is\n>\"I'm 5'11\" bastard gives me the biggest shit eating grin>qts turn to me >jump in before they can ask me >\"that's not possible i'm 5'6 so you gotta be 5'9 at at most\">qts burst out laughing, lanklet starts spurting that he's actually 6'1>\"no way why would anon lie about being 5'6\" Dont fuck with me lanklets i can bring you down to<|endoftext|>
>Be me black\n>Be Lightskin\n>See dumb post on twitter saying cops e shouldn't stop black fights>Respond saying thats dumb\n>Respond saying i\u2019m black myself\n>She asks for a pic of my arm with a piece of paper with my twitter name>Send her said picture\n>Get told that I don\u2019t look black\n>Respond saying i\u2019m lightskin\n>She legit says \u201cThen your not actually black, You have more white genes>Tell her both of my parents are African American\n>She says they aren't black either\n>She blocks me after. <|endoftext|>
>pretend I'm Geralt >start mixing my protein shakes with strong alcohol like they're witcher potions>meditate in between sets >take notes of various creatures around the gym (roiders, hambeasts, lanklets, etc...) and their>try to haggle with the qt cashier for lower gym membership>loudly say \"damn you're ugly\" before lifts >lifts skyrocket >gains skyrocket <|endoftext|>
>turn 23 next week\n>graduated college pre corona\n>got big plans for a career, send out applications to the top spots>family and friends wish me luck everyone is rooting for me>my 8th month living at home\n>3 rejected applications\n>unemployment pay runs out soon\n>going to have to put real career on hold and pick up some other job<|endoftext|>
>be me >get banned from 4chan for 3 months\n>wack.jpg >unironically got a job >making some decent money and can pay for my own vidya ENS >actually met a girl and eventually we get>life is actually going pretty well >be 3 months later at work >realize that i've became a normie >decides to visit 4chan for old time sake >boss saw me scroll through some nsfw shit >gets fired >no more money >relationship in shambles cuz no money >at least i can post on 4chan again <|endoftext|>
>sleep for 12+ hours >wake up at noon >refresh the same few websites over >do absolutely fucking nothing >quit after a few minutes because i >continue refreshing 4chan and youtube for hours >go to sleep feeling like a tired corpse even though i <|endoftext|>
>be me il\n>cub scouts camping trip  oe >its getting dark>scout master tells us to get woodn I > shit for a bonfire  131kBJp _ >gO about 20 feet away from camp>see the perfect stick >grab it\n>its a rattlesnake tail\n>too retarded to run away\n>bring it over my head and swing it in circles\n>the snake can't come back and bite me\n>shout for help\n>everyone comes\n>sees me using a snake like a lasso\n>kids laughing, adults shitting pants\n>tell me to hit the snake against a tree as hard as I can>hope it breaks its neck -\n>whip its head at mach speed into the biggest tree I could find>head explodes\n>adults don't know whether to congratulate or punish (~~ >other kids think I'm hardcore\n>mfw my nickname was snake charmer from then on\n<|endoftext|>
>be me. 5'11\" 260 pounds. >my life consists of Sp 0 cleaning out the trashcans>know of a patient dying of cancer. been on a hospital bed for 3 weeks>he called me over yesterday. first time he's ever spoke to me. I'm listening intently>\"I don't know you but my dying wish for you is to lose all that fucking weight so you>he died today <|endoftext|>
> be me in high school\n>pretty good looking, but socially awkward, so no bitches>one day chatting with some asian girls>somehow the topic of chopsticks >want to make a joke about being too >Say something like, \"Nah, I can't use those, see how white I am?\">arms are actually pretty tan, so i pull my shirt up, because my chest is more pale>they all immediately stop laughing and stare at my chest>I realize they're starting at my abs\n>pull my shirt down\n>\"A-anon, show us how white you are again.\"\n>Suddenly have bitches <|endoftext|>
>Your daughter comes out as a lesbian>Your daughter comes out as a lesbian <|endoftext|>
>go to Christmas dinner\n>family tries to set me up with somebody>family dinner Alabama I presume<|endoftext|>
>Be accepted at Uni\n>File form for student residency\n>See \"for the purpose of placing you, please check your gender:\">Male\n>Female\n>Non-binary SASSI >Check female, even tho that's not>Apply for the female dorm\n>Get accepted\n>Be the only guy in the women's dorm\n>basically got my own personal harem\n>it's that simple\n<|endoftext|>
>be me  1 >smoke a joint with an old friend i hadnt>after we finish he eats a roach >he explains to me that it gets you 10x higher>mfw when i remember that 12 years ago itold him that fact as a joke>mfw he's been eating roaches for 12 years<|endoftext|>
>be me, 5 >in bed with my dad cause renovating\n>ask dad what he dreams about\n>\"hot girls, anon\" >suddenly get erection for some reason\n>dont know what an erection is >go to bathroom to pee >rub my dick by accident >feelsgoodman.jpg >fast forward 2 days >watching fashiontv for some reason >get erect >everyone around me >pulls out dick and start rubbing it >orgasm >no cum cause 5 >mom notices and screams \"ANON WHAT ARE YOU DOING\">gets beaten >fast forward a few years >discovers what masturbation and erection are\n>mfw i remember jerking off in front of parents <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>amateur MMA fighter\n>mostly just a hobby, do it to stay in shape etc. ' >also help train kids at the gym I>teaching 12-13 year old kid how to stand and hit pads, simple shit>kid has high-functioning autism\n>out of nowhere he looks at me and says \u201cHow high does the grass grow in Germany\u201d>Think it's just a weird autist question\n>\"I don\u2019t know, probably the same as here\u201d\n>About this high\u201d he then proceeds to give a full Nazi salute for 10 seconds>fuckingwotm8 I know you're on this website you little incel, I got<|endoftext|>
>start a restaurant in the US\n>adapt the european system where the tips are already>profit <|endoftext|>
>Be me >19 yo, 6/10 >Go out for Valentines Day with bestie of 3 years\n>9/10 >It's technically a date >Dinner and 50 Shades of Shit >Get ice cream afterwards >Give her a glass flower I bought earlier in the month\n>She loves it and we go for a walk >PULL OUT 5GUM: TRUTH OR DARE, pack >Her wrapper says to take a selfie with eyes closed >She does >I read mine >We laugh it off but I remember the glass flower base has a mirror on the bottom side Where's the most beautiful girl at tho?>Look at the mirrored base >Show her the mirrored base of the flower >We smile and kiss for the first time ever >She reads her the other part of her wrapper >\"What's the most romantic moment you've shared with the person next you?\"\n>\"This one right now\" >mfw how it feels to chew 5gum <|endoftext|>
> be middle school loner with no friends> close to summer holidays\n> all students were told to read the book> because school is inviting the obscure author of the book> he was the guest speaker during assembly\n> principal asks the school about what we thought of his book and questions about it> quiet, awkward silence\n> people were muttering nobody read it\n> felt bad for the author\n> told the author I enjoyed it and answered the questions> one question after another, only I answered\n> author was happy that I knew about the details\n> school staff felt less embarassed\n> after assembly classmates started to make fun of me> called kiss ass and book worm etc.\n> got the nickname ass-worm for the rest of the middle school<|endoftext|>
>Wake up looking at ceiling\n>Can't move in>Starts dancing on my chest\n>Utters these exact words \"I MAY BE DEAD, BUT AT LEAST I HAVE>Start laughing\n>He laughs with me\n>Kisses me on my nose \"See ya again, buttercup!!>Wake up with mv pants covered with semen <|endoftext|>
>crashing on couch at friends house>trying to sleep\n>hear him talking on phone in other room>he farts loudly >'did you hear that baby?\" >'you like it when daddy shits himself?\u2019 >'no im naked so it went ALL over the chair\u2019 >'not the same one from fajita night last week. My >quickly get up and leave >go home and take 20 boiling showers >still haven't replied to any of his texts or calls\n<|endoftext|>
>female coworker makes a joke at my expense about something I can't control (being bald)>I make a joke back about something she can control (being fat)>she goes home early and everybody is mad at me>broke up with gf a few weeks ago (I ended it)\n>coworkers were talking about their exes (working with women is Hell)>Ha ha, good one. Didn't you have a miscarriage because you're so fat?<|endoftext|>
>walking home from a party late one evening\n>several guys were following me, as my drunk ass managed to piss them off by>try to walk faster, to no avail, as I'm drunk as shit>eatch me in some random student neighbourhood>oh shit, my ass is about to be beaten >still in talking phase >leader is some blond guy with a beard, eyepatch, and some weird-ass accent>\"What sort of ruffians would be accosting someone outside our residence? Stand and>guys start yelling at them to fuck off, that I deserved to get my ass beaten>\"Very well, then. Draw steel, you blackguard!\u201d>all three of them draw rapiers on their belts\n>guys run >'I know not why those foul men sought your harm, but come and tell us the tale,>spend remainder of evening drinking mulled wine with lunatics>bunch of Swedish re-enactors live there blond guy is actually missing an eye; lost it>stagger home completely drunk with a hat <|endoftext|>
>college student\n>Comes home for summer 6~I >Cleans old high school room so it>finds old flash drive from when I was in middle school>Plugs it in\n>Finds shit ton of pictures of a little boy naked and posing>Wtf\n>Realizes the kid in pictures are younger me\n>Finds word document\n>\u201cHello anon, glad to see you again. Take these pictures and sell them online to make bank. It's not>Destroy flash drive >Crinae so fucking hard\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>21\n>super straight male\n>get horny one night and decide to go use the local glory hole>actually kinda enjoy it otherside moans>it's a guy's moan\n>realize ive been sucking a man's cock this entire time<|endoftext|>
>be me >Tuesday at school >it\u2019s 5th period and I\u2019m bored as >turn to my friend and say \u201cdon't >next day I get called into the >start talking about how they think I\u2019m dangerous >mfw May 2nd is a fucking sunday <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>recently moved because of job opportunity, no gf, no friends in>every friday, order a pizza from local pizzahut>give delivery guy a different \u201cchallenge\u201d every time they bring a pizza, with a>always make them america-related\n>start easy. draw an american flag for 5$\n>slowly make them more and more challenging, increasing reward as time goes on>\"recite the preamble for 20$\"\n>\"tell me your personal opinion on the 2nd amendment for 10$\">etc etc\n>this goes on for a few months until pretty much every employee in the resturaunt that has done a>yesterday, get in pretty bad car accident\n>wake up in hospital today. told by nurse that a few people came by to visit, mainly coworkers>some of them left a pizza\n>mfw there's a pizza on a table in the room of the same type that i always get>mfw it's got an american flag on it and a \u201cget well soon\" card with signatures from the entire<|endoftext|>
>Go to the doctor for physical\n>Have to see female nurse practitioner, because regular doctor>Are you sexually active Anon? >Smiles I didn't just mean recently >Give her blank stare\n>She immediately transitions to somberly questioning me on my mental health<|endoftext|>
> be me; white kid\n> live in stralya; status quo \" > make sure ground-harness is strapped D > go for walk> niceweather.png\n> walking down this narrow path\n> black guy was jogging behind me, so i move to the side to let him pass> without even slowing down or looking at me, he goes, \"much obliged my nigga\" and keeps jogging> mfw a black guy called me their nigga <|endoftext|>
>be me > horny 14 year old > playing Smash Melee with gf\n> jokingly say \u201cif I win you're giving me a handjob\u201d> beat her because girls can\u2019t game for shit > celebrating.ogg > \u201canon do you still want that handjob?\u201d > holup.mov > I didn\u2019t think she would take it seriously but fuck yeah> whip out my dick > she jacks me off for a while > feelsprettygoodman > she suggests a blowjob > fuck yes > stop her before I\u2019m about to bust > ask if she wants to fuck > she does > pull out the condoms because I was a responsible retard back then> we start fucking (both being virgins) > once I finish we go back to playing melee <|endoftext|>
>tell her I'm a virgin\n>not actually a virgin, have had plenty of sex>but when she thinks it's my first time, she's very gentle and>when I act all amazed when I touch boobs \"for the first time\u2019, it actually feels more special to me>I love how caring she is and how she takes the lead if she thinks she's deflowering me>when I finish, she cuddles with me and calls mea good boy<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>gay retarded 4 yr old still not potty trained>fucking obsessed with trains\n>grandmagetsidea.jpg >holyactualfuck.gif\n>potty trains in less than a week\n>gets to go on train\n>loudly asks grandma if everyone else on the train pooped too<|endoftext|>
>be me >22 yo >overweight beta loser >decide to fuck it all and get my life in control>get new clothes >go to the gym >sweat dripping off me >can't feel my legs >a couple of chads walk by >hear one of them say to the other\n>\"What a fat loser\" >He's technically right >I am losing a lot of fat <|endoftext|>
>Be me >teach grandma what cringe means\n>fast forward months later >I show her the meme I made\n>She calls it cringe <|endoftext|>
>start youtube channel >your very first video is going to be you sitting in front of a high quality camera looking presentable>half the screen is going to show a videogame\n>title of the youtube video: \"REAL Bank Robber Critiques GTAS Bank Heist Mission\">you're gonna commentate over the gta5 intro and say shit like \"yeah thats pretty realistic they'd have>pause the cutscene every now and then and say some shit like \"back when i hit the bank, the cops>your next videos are going to be you critiquing similar scenes from other games or movies>then your videos are going to be QandA about prison life>before you know it you're at 350k subs and growing and all you do is talk into a camera about prison>enjoy making more money than all of us <|endoftext|>
>working at McDonald's >*autistic kid appears* >screams all the time : CHICKEN MCNUGGETS>wants a happy meal with nuggets\n>gave him 5 instead of 4 cuz of my kindness>he noticed >*autistic screeching* >wanted a new one with only 4 nuggets <|endoftext|>
>go to buy some weed\n>dealer invites me up for dabs\n>tells me \u201cjust a heads up I have a gun out\u201d>walk up to his apartment\n>don\u2019t know what to talk about, ask him what type of guns he has>\"uhh I have a 9mm pistol I don\u2019t know the brand\n>take a dab and buy my weed I\u2019m just now realizing that it was a threat, not a<|endoftext|>
>walking with my boyfriend >we walk past these sorority looking Kardashian clone looking>I ask my boyfriend if he finds girls like that attractive>His fucking response: \"if I could attract girls like that I wouldn't be with you\">He refuses to apologize >I tell him if he doesn't take that back he's not getting sex>He just shrugs and says \"ok\" >Still isn't saying sorry <|endoftext|>
>My sister laughed at me saying that i have an ass like the>A girl once pinched my ass while >On highschool excursion i had to find whores prostitutes in the middle of Athens>Bro, dont take this the wrong way, but you have a nice ass>A hot girl i was flirting with once said that i have a better ass than her, and then grabbed it with both>A drug detective said that i should never EVER go to jail, even the guards will want a piece of my ass<|endoftext|>
>have somewhat stable social circle in uni>get along with this one grill\n>she gives me a book for >for some reason never open it >weeks go by, she keeps asking about the book\n>quickly look up plot summary on wiki so that I can pretend I'm reading it>she's visibly annoyed and angry, says \"you probably never even opened it\">insist that I read it, our relationship slowly deteriorates>we get our degrees and don't stay in touch >fast forward six years >find book while cleaning my apartment >decide to read it >find a little romantic note inside about how much I mean to her etc>mfw book is pretty boring\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me, be 27 years old >Girl from my college wants to try mutual masturbation together>I'm totally caught off guard, I haven't jacked off in about a week>I decide to jack off before I go meet her, so that I don't ruin what might be my only sexual>Zoom ahead a few hours >She jacks me off, it is primo shit, absolutely rad\n>I cum a HUGE PILE OF JIZZ >I say \"Shit, sorry, that's way more than I expected\u201d\n>she responds \"I was expecting a lot more\" >I look at her and say \"You watch too much hentai, dude.\"<|endoftext|>
>Someone asks to see the book I'm>I hand it too them and ask them to be>\"HUH?\" they dumbly reply as they open the book as wide as they can, cracking<|endoftext|>
>Be you\n>Reddit Fag\n>Looking for some juicy morsels for r/greentext to raise your karma by 10 like>Post this one faggot. I'll be watching. <|endoftext|>
>Be me, selling coffee at a stand in the hospital>suddenly he starts talking hebrew (it's isreal here im a kikeanon)>tells me about how he and a bunch of other guys in some soviet union won 20 agaisnt 100, how he>amm ok here's your coffe\n>asks me to punch his belly, i heistently do so\n>it's hard as steel, dude atlest 60\n>he reachs for a handshake\n>grabs my thunb between two of his fingers\n>grip is fucking STEEL, he says \"see? Broken\" and laughs>he walksaway <|endoftext|>
>be me >homeless >produce house music Feels Goodman.jpg<|endoftext|>
>trump gets impeached >trump resigns >pence becomes president >pence pardons trump >pence appoints new vice-president, donald trump>pence resigns >trump becomes president >trump appoints new vice-president, mike pence<|endoftext|>
>be 17 >be chatting in group chat with friends>be sending some memes\n>accidently send a meme to mom\n>shieeet.jpeg >explain to mom >mom sends a rare pepe >allmywut.jpeg >turns out mom knows alot about good memes\n>now we send memes to eachother almost daily\n>never been happier all my life >pic related <|endoftext|>
>be dad >Have gay son >Ok still love him it's 2022\n>Meet his BF from >Just know\n>Fuck wife >Break down crying midsex <|endoftext|>
>have cat >cat wanna be pet\n>petting makes cat happy\n>i'm happy <|endoftext|>
>really hot girl in class\n>decide to work up the courage to speak to her>\"H-hey.. c-can I borrow your pen for a second?\">realize I dont even have >shes staring at me >My mind is racing what to do >Draw a penis on my hand >give her back her pen and walk away\n<|endoftext|>
>be me > You are now me\n> Have fun with you terrible life <|endoftext|>
>friend sends me ig test >okay ill do it > finish test and get 75 iq >i cant show this to my friend >i do the test again knowing answers\n>get 73 >mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>visit france\n>they use \"le\" unironically <|endoftext|>
>have pain in heart \u201c1 >feels like bad back ache>take blood pressure 190/120\n>go to hospital\n>\"you had a heart attack, anon\"  intake of Krispy Kreme's by 50%?? y\u00bb >beme<|endoftext|>
>be me, 19\n>gets called cute, funny, smart\n>both my roommates are women\n>they wonder why I never had a gf * >never felt ready<|endoftext|>
>have office job\n>boss tells me about new employee>meet her >she asks my name i ask her >her name is \"candice\"\n>think if gonna get pranked\n>say \"yeah haha candice dick fit in yo mouth\"\n>she looks disgusted\n>says \"ugh\" and walks to boss' office\n>writing this at my desk, am i fucked? <|endoftext|>
>this shit is my jam, green chile on >tall white dude comes up to my spic ass\n>\"Hey, anon. Could you roll my burrito for me? I don't know how.\">\"Hm? Oh, yeah, sure.\"\n>neatly portion out the proper amount of beans into each tort, tuck, and roll some nice burritos for him>\"You have to tuck in the bottom like this so nothing spills out.\">\"Oh, cool. Thanks, dude.\"\n>\"No problem.\"\n<|endoftext|>
>girl I know is nursing student\n>solid 9/10 >tells me she knows how to test for testicular cancer and can>tell her I learned in health class in high school and can do myself<|endoftext|>
> be 14 y/o me\n> find 4chan\n> everyone calls each other autistic and gay> \"this is stupid\" > ffw 3 years > realize I'm gay > ffw another year > get diagnosed with autism > mfw > I'm home bois\n<|endoftext|>
>be me > shoot porn occasionally > fuck some hot chick > she has a husband, but whatever we sex\n> cameraman is a stoner, kinda weird but good at his job> husband hears rumors, tries to catch us in the act> hear he has found out where we are\n> oshit.jpeg > we hide while the cameraman tries to save the situation> \"sorry, but your princess is in > he buys it >mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>played jazz sax >could reliably hoop a free throw >ordered fried chicken on every Airforce One flight\n>almost lost his job over some phat white ass Was Bill Clinton the first black president?<|endoftext|>
>on date with qt boy\n>we get indian food\n>he orders chicken korma with rice\n>\"i can't eat rice, it reminds me of maggots\">\"yeah, when i have rice in my mouth i just think of that video with the guy with maggot invested gums\">\"i've never seen that\"\n>show him the video\n>he excuses himself and goes to the bathroom\n>ten minutes later i ask a male waiter to check on him>\"there's no one in the bathroom, miss\"\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>be me femanon\n>regularly donate blood\n>blood has probably been given to a guy at some>basically touched a guy\u2019s boner <|endoftext|>
>Scamming lying asshole now I n my country <|endoftext|>
>be me >live on second floor >want a drone so bad think theyre cool\n>dad buys drone >wants to surprize me >he comes with the drone to my window\n>im jerking off >see drone >start fucking screaming >dad starts screaming >crashes drone >what to do now\n<|endoftext|>
>be me > 18yo > first blow job > feelsamazing > cums buckets in her mouth  z > she swallows EIN ee > your cum tastes really bad anon> haha I know What have I done<|endoftext|>
>hey guys it's critical >today we are taking yet another clip from my live stream of me watching a youtube video that somebody else made>also, for comedic effect, I will stretch the image on the youtube thumbnail for the billionth time>please laugh\n<|endoftext|>
>parents wanted to give us similar names>twin was named logan >parents had a wide selection of L names to choose from>and they named me fucking LAROLD\n<|endoftext|>
>moaned while the nice haircut lady washed my hair<|endoftext|>
> Be me Oo > Goes downstairs to the condo's> 9/10 girl on one of the treadmills\n> Says hi besides her> She's perfect: 1.60m/ mid to large boobs / brunette> We're both running and share some glances\n> She finishes her exercise\n> Smiles at me before leaving and says \"goodbye\"\n> feelsgoodman.jpg <|endoftext|>
>be me\n> 24\n> go to the park with my nephew and my niece> let them do their dumb shit while keeping a keen eye on them.> Creepy guy in his 30s presumably comes up to them.> creepy dead eyes\n> hairline is fucked\n> fat cunt\n> they aren't to far off so I can hear their conversation.> \u201chey do you two like animals?\u201d\n> They're kids so of course they say yes.\n> \u201coh nice I work at a zoo and I work with all types of animals.\u201d> I call out to my nephew to come to me.\n> I say \u201cMake sure that fucker doesn\u2019t do anything over the line\u201d> He nods\n> Before he reaches the creepy guy I hear the creepy guy say to my niece> \u201cWhen you're in high school, the boys will be all over you. Maybe I could teach you a thing or two> grabs her waist\n> Nephew gives me a look\n> I immediately run to the fucker and grab him by the neck and slam him down.> \u201cwhat the hell are you doing? I'm going to call the fucking police on you asshole\u201d> punch the cunt once\n> knocks him out\n> people gather around\n> police arrive and arrest him\n> my niece asks me what he meant by the high schoo! thing> \u201che was talking about math and how all the boys will help you with it\u201d> she asks \u201cokay then why did you punch him\u201d\n> \u201cit's my job to help you with math not him\u201d And that's really it. If you guys see any people like<|endoftext|>
>be me, 20, never had a girlfriend/been with a girl before>decide to have a kickback at my >one of my best friends, who i've known since 7th grade is there>she's just chilling with her head in my lap, which is normal since we're pretty close>solid 7/10, always had feelings for her, just too awkward to make a move, and i figured she was>I pass my controller to one of my friends when all the sudden she pulls me down>kisses me on the cheek, and after the initial shock I kiss her back>we end up making out for a couple of minutes, and spend the rest of the night in each others arms>texts me the next day to tell me that she\u2019s had feelings for me for a long time, but she was too>I tell her the same thing <|endoftext|>
>start watching Episode 1 >immediately turn off show and leave negative review online<|endoftext|>
>I-I used to be a millionaire you know! >It w-was in t-this thing called crypto currency! It was the future!<|endoftext|>
>be a fren in a discord server >a non fren there >the non fren is super toxic and makes me sad>playing league of legends like always in discord group>pretend to laugh at all toxic non >he's feeling good >starts being toxic towards enemy team >i laugh and say over voice >now is the time i strike >'call their adc a nigger\" >he laughs and calls them nigger >report him after the game with a support ticket\n>next day in discord >he is freaking out >his account has been perma banned >he had a beta account and had the retail skins\n>non fren deleted\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me 215 QoQ >My friend group decides we are all>Can't think of anything to say >\"Anon, its your turn\" >Panic >Dumbidea.jpg >I say \"You have a nice ass\" >Everyone starts laughing >mfw she genuinely looks happy to have her ass >Mission succeeded <|endoftext|>
>Senior year\n>Perfect plan\n>Me and my friend\n>We start fighting in the men showers>Kick, punch and push each other all the way to the womens>Burst inside\n>Keep fighting pretending we didn't even realize>Naked girls come rushing and grab us to stop<|endoftext|>
>girl I've been paying $600 a month to be my girlfriend says she's caught>gave me back $1800 out of the $3000 I've paid so far>wants to see me more often now >What do I do now? enjoy your gf for free?<|endoftext|>
>be me, have a pretty hot girlfriend >use snapchat a lot with her, she\u2019s basically the only person i snap>send her a picture of myself with a boarder of black hearts>turns out i accidentally sent it to a friend i >mfw >minor inconvenience\n>gUYs I Am AuTlsTlIc <|endoftext|>
>specifically designed to kill Jedi>not even one Jedi was killed by it<|endoftext|>
>be me >playing black flag on ps5 >really like black flag >wife comes in >starts watching tik tok after tik tok >hour goes by >she looks at tv >Im in an epic ship battle >anon you should do something more productive with your time\n>leaves room <|endoftext|>
>be epstein. >chilling in cell >clintons come in, forcefully cover you in oil\n>they leave >that was weird but okay, at least they didn't kill me.>the sprinkler turns on >shoot upwards and break neck on ceiling\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >\"depressed\" 12 year old\n>decide i want to kill myself\n>family planning to go to the beach>prepare my final plan >get to beach >go inside water >scream \"goodbye forever\" >throw AA battery into the sea >mfw still alive >everybody laughing at me for being retarded\n>mfw I'm probably retarded <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>on airplane fe >3 muslims are sitting in>two of them get up and\n>as one passes me, he says \u201csoon we will all see allah.\u201d>he gets to the front of the plane and starts reciting the koran>he ended up converting 12 people to islam<|endoftext|>
>Be black ved >Be on phone with bank to try to get>Have best white voice on\n>Going well, looks like it's going to go through>\"Well, what had happened was-\"\n>Fuck\n>Pause on other end\n>\"It looks like it went through, but please be advised that we may not be able to do this for you in the future.\">\"Th-thanks\" That was a close one.<|endoftext|>
>Be American in 1800's >Don't know jack shit about trees  Se >Ask the Aussies to supply some Ssva>vyvy<|endoftext|>
>be me, just an average white guy >go to visit my grandpa >tell him I have a gf >show him picture of her >he gasps and then smiles, patting me on the back\n>\"you're dating an Asian woman? She's beautiful anon!\u201d>grandpa\u2019s all excited, weirdest I\u2019ve ever seen him\n>\"come here boy, let\u2019s have a talk\u201d >sits me down on the porch and cracks open an Arnold Palmer for me and himself>proceeds to tell me about all of his sexual experiences in Vietnam>admits to fucking a dead Vietnamese woman with his buddy>had an orgy with 7 Vietnamese women at once\n>admitted to fucking \u201cat the very least\u201d 100 Vietnamese women during his time in Vietnam>apparently has never told my father about these things and to quote \u201ckeep it between us\u201d<|endoftext|>
> be me\n> have bl3 pre loaded on console\n> day before launch, cant sleep > spring out of bed > grab controller > manually roll forward date on console to 9/13 BI3.exe> still won't start <|endoftext|>
>seeing some girl recently\n>go to her house to fuck her again\n>while we are cuddling ask her what's on her mind>tells me that she likes me\n>tells me how she likes to kiss me,hold me, how she likes me eyes, my laugh, the>we don't fall asleep until 5am\n>leave her house around 7am\n>keeps saying she doesn\u2019t want me to go\n>driving back to my place the feelings hit me\n>tfw you\u2019ve been emotionally deprived for the first 19 years of your life>tfw you thought you would end up alone and a loser but you managed to turn out just fine>tfw you realize you aren\u2019t alone in this world\n>tfw you matter to someone <|endoftext|>
>be 22\n>start dating blonde. 7/10\n>shes quirky but fun\n>dat ass >second date >go to her place\n>shewantstheD jpeg >go down on her >things are going well >she stops me, wants to roleplay\n>blindfolds me, we're playing doctor >kinky but okay >feel pressure around my ass >pull off blindfold >orazy bitch is shoving 3 - 4 plastic horses into my asshole\n>she says my condition is \"stable\"\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >13 >social outcast with no social skills who everyone makes fun of>at a school party >everyone\u2019s dancing, I just >a stacy from my class comes up >asks me to dance with a smug look on her face\n>autism kicks in >just stand there and stare at her for a solid 5 seconds>then just turn and walk the other way as fast as I can>next day in class >overhear the girl talking with her friends >hear her say that her plan was to embarass me but got embarrassed herself for being rejected by>mfw my autism inadvertently made me look like a chad>take that stacy\n<|endoftext|>
> >Be me, southern european, went to the US to Colorado>In supermarket >Buy Beans, lots of fresh leafy greens, carrots, tomatoes, onions>Go to cashier >She has her nails polished, curly hair, little fat>\"You eat healthy hun?\" >\"No\" >\"What do you mean, this looks pretty healthy\">'This is just normal people food\" <|endoftext|>
>be me >riding my motorcycle >get hit by a car >damn it hurts but I walk it off\n>the girl that hit me is hammered\n>call 911 because she has a massive gash on her head>she's off to the ambulance >after the crash we get to know each other\n>she's tall, blonde and cute >we begin to date after 6 months of talking >3 years later >got married and my wife just got pregnant. We have a house on the bottom of a beautiful hill>reminds me of Bliss >kek >1 year later >my 3 month old son is growing so fast. >drive him to the doctor's office for a checkup\n>turn left >a car heading towards me >I swerve out of the way holding my son >I wake up in a hospital >I had gotten into a motorcycle crash 3 weeks ago\n>but wasn't In a car? >been in a coma the whole time >I ask what happened to the driver >she died <|endoftext|>
>Be me. >Go for a walk because I\u2019m not a shut in virgin.>Walk by trailer park for some human entertainment.>Girl comes running up to me. >Tells me her dog is dying and she needs help.\n>Fucker jumped in the pool and didn\u2019t know how to swim.>Luckily I'm an EMT in training. >Grab big ass golden retriever out of pool. >Pretty sure its dead. >Give the dog CPR. >He's not responding but I keep at it. >Girl calls 911. >Turns out they don\u2019t send ambulances for dogs.\n>Just before I'm about to carry it to her car he starts coughing.>Throws up all over me. >Girl comes running over and hugs dog. >His tail starts wagging. >Girl thanks me. >Gives me a hug. >Tells me she'd kiss me if she didn't have a boyfriend.>Respect her relationship and leave with my head held high.<|endoftext|>
>new neighbors just moved right > LS, im >they tell me to not use WiFi \u2018Gemeie )  because their son has WiFi<|endoftext|>
>at a party >sitting alone and petting dog because aspergers.jpg>cute 6/10 with nice tight bod comes  i > \u201chehe are you more of a dog person than> \u201chehe a holes a hole to me\u201d <|endoftext|>
>chinese surveillance system checking peolpe on>scans guy\n<|endoftext|>
>meet cute girl >we're talking about anime >she asks for recommendations\n>recomend scat hentai as a joke\n>blocked before I can even explain <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>or not be me <|endoftext|>
>kanye kicks everyone out of the band>\"there's only one direction\n>tfw it's west\n<|endoftext|>
>be felix kjellberg\n>be talentless, unskilled collage dropout hotdog seller>upload your stupid face to some video streaming website while>worth tens of millions just >collage Who's the uneducated one<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>in college\n>talking to qt3.14 kites > run out of topics>decide to lie to keep >tell her I have a goldfish pond in my backyard>wutdafuqms.jpg\n>\"That's so cool, you think I could come see it sometime?\">howdidthatwork.png\n>exchange numbers, realize what I've done>go home and promptly dig a goldfish pond and fill it with water>get necessary items from pet store (filter, plants, goldfish, etc.)>pond is fucking amazing\n>go to contact girl\n>girl never responds to my calls/texts\n>3 years later I'm still taking care of 14 goldfish in my back yard>one has had babies and two more are pregnant>mfw the goldfish are having more sex than me<|endoftext|>
>be me, 23yo, shy cunt >spent three years in a toxic >ex dumped me for some swaggot >apparently ended poorly (who would've thought?) >texted me some time back that she missed me >left her on read and moved on, still feeling a >ran into her at local market today >she came up to me (even though I did my best to >tries initiating conversation >something inside me gets ignited >\"I'm sorry, do I know you?\" >she's confused and goes \"are you fucking kidding, >\"Ooh, shit, I didn't recognize you! THAT'S what >I walk off without saying anything else to her >saw her walking out bawling her eyes out >I feel closure and empowerment, anons >I think I'm ready for the dating scene again <|endoftext|>
>Try to start a Youtube >Post every day >30 days in >Embarrassed about my videos\n>only viewer is mom <|endoftext|>
>/b/ me >write incredibly long greentext about the >go to post it >put this stupid picture of this fish in a >file was too big\n>lost the story <|endoftext|>
>9/10 coworker says she needs to take a piss but the toilets are under>forget I'm not on the internet and almost say \"why don't you piss in<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>edgelord troll when im bored\n>usually shitpot on /pol /b and /r9k to have fun>be a couple of days ago >shitmypants.jpg\n>they say they got an anonymous tip concerning something I posted on the internet>know the anonymous tip doesn't exist because I only shitpost on 4chan where nobody knows my>know my edgy posts are fake so I could answer their questions and clear my name>they ask me something about a shed\n>realize this is about an edge posting bender I had some days ago where I mentioned my shed was full>don't even have a shed let alone a single gun so let them snoop around so they realize they're wasting>they apologize for the inconvenience and leave Anons, we're not really anons in here<|endoftext|>
>Minecraft was released 10 years ago>2011 was 10 years ago\n>the last Naruto episode was 4 years ago>I was young 10 years ago\n>I had friends 10 years ago\n>parents were healthy 10 years ago\n>gramps were alive 10 years ago\n>The world was so beautiful and brimming with life 10 years ago<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>move to Britain\n>get job op q >get paid in GBP = >goodboypoints??>goodboypoints.\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >be in 5th grade >class is planning field trip, need money\n>everyone needs to bring 20 dollars >go home, ask mom for 30 dollars so I can have 10 dollars extra for myself>mom doesn't believe me, goes to friend's house who lives on the same street>ohshit.gif >comes back angry, saying I need to pay more attention in class meetings>tfw I found out my friend told his parents that he needed 50 dollars<|endoftext|>
>get a call from random number\n>\"Greetings, am I speaking to mister anon?\">\"Yes\"  \u00bb >'We would like to inform you>wait until they finish >\"I'm sorry I couldn't quite hear you\" >they are forced to repeat it >do this for about 4 times >finally say \"Sorry, I am not interested.\" >hang up <|endoftext|>
>'Nice play Mr. Bond, however you did not announce you were almost finished, so now you are two cards<|endoftext|>
>male\n>5 ft 4\n>indian\n>near sighted\n>negative canthal tilt\n>recessed chin\n>balding\n>janitor career\n>hooked nose\n>skinny fat with bad gynecomastia\n>cant grow a beard. Only patches\n>poor\n>no friends/no siblings\n>crooked teeth\n>forward head posture\n>small penis\n>pencil neck\n>high functioning autism <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>in private school\n>super small only has about 50 students>all normies who have never lifted life>wait in back of gym\n> other team takes out all of my team except me It'stime.jpg> plug headphones in\n>start blasting doom soundtrack Rip&tear.jpg>take first ball\n>rip it into first nerd\u2019s face\n>break his jaw and knock out teeth\n>kid starts pouring blood and crying\n>other kids are screaming\n>start ripping balls randomly , shattering teeth and cracking ribs>after the last kid gets knocked out I get restrained by teachers>throw a hook into teacher\u2019s face\n>hear bone crack\n>get kicked out of school\n> not allowed to teach ever again\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>friend torrents black panther, we're about to watch it>me: \"so is this actually good or just overhyped\">me: \"i bet there's basketball, rap, and slavery references within the first 2 minutes\">him: \"pfbpfptf i don't think they'd go that far man\"\n>me: \u201cno seriously i bet there is.\u201d\n>him: *awkward silence and a weird look*\n>we start the movie\n>1 minute of scifi backstory, includes a reference to slavery>followed by basketball and rap\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>{et outyourteat >ilfe fs flashing thraugh your eyes >nut all over everyone >yourlast words are \u201cshit? <|endoftext|>
>never ask anyone out\n>never get rejected\n>basically irresistible haha who's the chad now<|endoftext|>
>Took me to the gym >Encouraged me to go out and get exercise even if it's just walking the dog>can't lift shit at first but progress becomes noticeable>enjoy the walks through nature with my pup\n>dad encourages me to do martial arts >join MMA gym doing mostly Muay Thai >pretty much addicted to it >love the pain >changes his eating habits to help me get used to new healthy diet>losing fat fast >gaining mass fast >confidence through the roof >every milestone he gets excited with me >no longer depressed >he tells me he's proud of me <|endoftext|>
>download [game] >go [out]  (FAME >[commit crime]>go home >play [game] >post it to reddit\n<|endoftext|>
>look >HEY look guys look >those idiots are walking out >pffft morons obviously haven't seen a marvel movie before>omg guys this is it >holy shit >wow is that Thor with his cock in Dr. Strange's mouth>I can't wait to tell everyone on r/marvel >you guys do realize how much better we are than everyone else for waiting on the post credit scene>pull all your dicks out guys let's jerk off to it while we can<|endoftext|>
>\"Rey.....Rey Skywalker\u201d Absolute garbage. I left the theater after I heard it<|endoftext|>
> Mom's friend's daughter comes to stay with us while see is> 19 yo qt with long black hair > One day we are alone at home\n> We are watching videos, Robocop\n> She stops the movie and says she has something to show me> Puts in another video, smiles and press play\n> Porno. Never seen a porno before, don't know why she is showing me this> Tell her to put Robocop on again\n> Watch Robocop in silence\n> Awesome movie <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>23 year old male\n>poo fetish\n>usally order the goods from websites specialised for this>moved to detroit recently\n>couldnt take the poo with me\n>ordered new poo online\n>package didnt arrive\n>ask ups they say it has been delivered\n>wtf?\n>check security cammera\n>some porch pirate stole the fucking package\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>Be me 21\n>At food store to get food >Go up to cash register >7/10 q{3.14 working >buy food >iry to say \u201cThank you\" >MFW autism strikes >She responds \u201cYou Too >We realise we are both autistic\n>she Is now my gf of 2 years <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>4th grade\n>bring 3 sharpners to school\n>friend tells me thats a lot of sharpners\n>bring 3 more sharpners the next day\n>friend gives me his sharpner to grow my\n>start collecting more and more sharpners>go to stationary every week to by more sharpners\n>collect about 70 sharpners by the end of the month\n>start bringing a tiny bag to carry thoes sharpner\n>english teacher asks for a sharpner\n>offer her the bag thinking she'd be impressed\n>sees all my sharpners and writes a note to my parents\n>only allowed to bring 1 sharpner\n>idea.jpg\n>make a huge sharpner out of cardboard\n>dad helps me to color it with red and silver spray paint\n>display it on my table during the english period\n>get sent to the office <|endoftext|>
>be me 10 years old, it's 2001 in >playing in the street with my good >the road is a hill & my house is near the top\n>woman comes speeding down road so we all scatter & call her a bitch>she lives half way down the hill & parks at the side of the road>gets out & calls us little shits etc. & goes inside\n>one day I notice some keys outside her house & because I'm a good boy I knock her door to give>she doesn't even open the door, just tells us to fuck off her property>get an idea\n>wait until night time, unlock her car & let off her handbrake>car begins to roll down hill & we all run away\n>car picks up speed & goes straight into a house at bottom of the road>all shit our pants but go home & deny all knowledge>police come & arrest woman as she's really drunk & accuse her of leaving handbrake off>never got in trouble for it\n>be nice to kids\n<|endoftext|>
>be me Oo >kissless virgin>have crush on qt3.14\n>she\u2019s really quiet and a little awkward like me>ask her out like the autist that I am\n>she says yes\n>happiness.mp4\n>great time at prom\n>drop her off at her house\n>lean in for kiss\n>success\n>fast forward a few days\n>kiss her again and this time she hugs me back\n>very tender hug\n>realize she really likes me Feels good man<|endoftext|>
>be me >cub scouts camping trip >its getting dark >scout master tells us to get wood n >see the perfect stick >grab it >its a rattlesnake tail >too retarded to run away >bring it over my head and swing it in circles >the snake can't come back and bite me >shout for help >everyone comes >sees me using a snake like a lasso >kids laughing, adults shitting pants >tell me to hit the snake against a tree as hard as I can>hope it breaks its neck >whip its head at mach speed into the biggest tree I could find>head explodes >adults don't know whether to congratulate or punish me>other kids think I'm hardcore >mfw my nickname was snake charmer from then on\n<|endoftext|>
>Playing MMO >Walk up to rando\n>Start jumping >They jump too <|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>recently got back in touch with cute goth girl I used to know in HS>both liked each other but never got together>we are hanging out in her bedroom\n>she's flirting a lot and we start making out on her bed>bout to have the sex\n>I'm completely naked and she\u2019s in her underwear>hear her front door open\n>freaks out and makes me hide in the closet>her mom walks in\n>she talks with her mom for a bit while I hide in the closet>her mom asks who owns the clothes but she says she bought them>\"I'll put them in the wash, you should never wear things you've just bought>her mom takes my clothes and washes them>still hiding in closet\n>mom asks her to help her pick up her little brother from football>they both leave and lock the door <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>20y/o\n>family was talking about cars\n>\"yeah i still don\u2019t get why the exhaust continues to release smoke when>family stares in shock smoke for the engine to work\u201d>mfw i thought cars were boosted by the smoke released from the exhaust<|endoftext|>
>Be me, Japan >Enslave women to become sex slaves\n>Massacre 14m innocent POWs >Attack Pearl Harbor despite US being neutral\n>Commit many more war crimes >Get nuked >Everyone forgets about my war crimes\n>Don't get punished >Sympathy from everyone\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>recently broke up with gf\n>feel sad af\n>try online dating\n>meet this girl online >ask her on a date >date a few times, kisses n stuff\n>one day after going out for dinner she asks me to come at her place for coffee>gonnahavesex.jpg\n>she tells me she's into bondage\n>accept, not really my thing but I guess I can try\n>tells me to close my eyes\n>i do\n>feel her tying my hands\n>places a blindfold on my head\n>bed begins to shake and creak\n>wtf.jpg\n>feel a cold breeze hit my face\n>i can smell a strong scent of pinewoods\n>remove the blindfold from my eyes\n>mfw i'm about to be sentenced to death with other prisoners>mfw i turn around and see todd howard running away while removing his fake wig>mfw i'm now in skyrim <|endoftext|>
>Goes to prostitute >\"Alright honey what do ya want? >I-I was wondering if you would come see a m- >\"A movie? Like some kinky sex tape or >N-no I wanted to know if you can come see Joker >\"So you want me to suck ya cock in the theater?\" >N-no..just sit there and watch the movie with me <|endoftext|>
> be me > hanging at mcdonalds > see two gorls sitting near by > 8/10 and 6/10 respectively > 8/10 gets up to go to the bathroom > showtime jpg > get up from my seat and lock eyes with 6/10\n> approach her head on and sit down in her friend's seat\n> start rapidly shovelling 8/10's fries into my mouth > 6/10 is too shocked to do anything > when all the fries are gone I go back to my seat and resume eating my meal > 8/10 comes back and sees her fries are gone, starts yelling at her friend > you bitch why did you eat all my fries > it wasn't me it was that guy! She points at me > her friend just straight up doesn't believe her > accuses her of lying and walks out of the restaurant > 6/10 still sitting there, staring at me dumbfounded > casually finish eating my meal and leave > know she'll remember me for rest of her life > mfw girls think I'm unforgettable\n<|endoftext|>
>eating sandwich at the beach >skipping stones >watching the sunset and thinking about life\n>throw sandwich into ocean >bite rock <|endoftext|>
>loves roblox and minecraft\n>yesterday he was running around the house singing something>watcha doin son? >im sanic, i gotta go fast dad <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>having 18th birthday at home >pretty chill ime with friends >brother asks if me I want to see his Minecraft world >tell him to go away >see he's hurt >feel guilty and say I'll check it out later >never check it >a few months later, brother gets leukemia >pray he gets better >he doesn't >brother dies >feals like shit >tum 21 >packing stuff up for college >notice brothers old laptop >for some reason, remembers broken promise >charge up computer >boot up Minecraft >see world named \"HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANONIII\u201d >load up world >beginning to tear up at this point >world loads >look around and see cake everywhere >giant pixel cake in front of me >balloons across the sky >tum around and see \"HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY\u201d built with blocks\n>under b-day message is a sign >sign says \"happy birthday anon. You're the best brother ever. :DDD\"\n>fucking cry for hours\n<|endoftext|>
>have pubic lice (crabs)\n>no shampoo works\n>decide to get some fire ants and place on pubes to fight the crabs>they scrap for a bit strongholds on the opposite ends>to the north lie the wiley crabs of pubendorf\n>to the south lie the barbaric fire ants of fort scrotum>one morning notice a fire ant on horseback riding towards the crabs stronghold>look closer\n>its a fucking threaty of alliance <|endoftext|>
>beme > Canadian wy > go to school> dont get shot\n<|endoftext|>
>opens a can of Bud Light >gently massages protruding beer belly just aint>begins daily ritual of zoning out to TV >puts a triple bacon cheeseburger in the >cheers as his favorite negro catches the football we had some>asks permission to go to the local sports bar, wife says no>hires Jose the illegal immigrant to mow his lawn work ethic n'>blames Jose for all his problems >dies of a heart attack at age 58\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me >have a kid at 18yrs old >at first gfs pregnancy is meh\n>she bitch alot >deal wit it until kid is born\n>kid borns, it's the most horrifying event to watch>kid is all good, be happy :) >now I'm 22, kid is about to turn 5 at this xmas>me goes to doctors cause bad prolonged headaches...>get diagnosed with brain cancer>mfw >try to tell 4yr old why dad is not going to be around>he does not understand >I make sure that he will be ok\n>I love that little mf, he is my life, the only good thing I ever>I only have about 6 to 10month if lucky>Good Bye greentexts and anons :\u2019)<|endoftext|>
>live in a bad part of town\n>work at a grocery store\n>always give hobos the food the >on cold days, I make a big jug of coffee and hand it out to them>no one ever asks me for cash because they know I'm broke>am known as the \"sandwich man\" because I usually make sandwiches for them>last year, got mugged walking back home >5 seconds after being confronted I hear \"AYO GET AWAY FROM THE SANDWICH MAW!\">4 or 5 homeless guys run to me from half a block away yelling at the mugger to get away from me>he ran off after they came and they chased after him>follow and there was like 10 of them gathered around and he was pinned to the ground>one called the police and they arrested the guy\n>was told \"if anyone fucks with you sandwich man, we got your back\">mfw I basically have a street gang by giving away day old sandwich meat and bread I am told<|endoftext|>
>your ex-gf accuses you of breaking into her home, assaulting>police immediately arrest you and . charge you with burglary and>your parents get $150,000 in debt trying to hire a lawyer and post your bail>people are convinced you did it and you have no alibi to say otherwise>your mom suddenly finds a selfie pic you sent her that was dated at the time of the assault>turns out that pic clears you of all charges since it placed you away from the scene of the crime>your ex-gf gets off scott-free with no charges for lying while you had your life ruined<|endoftext|>
>Be Redditfag >Read r/greentext >Have lots of laughs >\"I wonder what the real 4chan website is like?\" , >Go to /b/>It's all porn. <|endoftext|>
>make thread >no one replies >pull out my phone and reply to my thread<|endoftext|>
>Beme\n> Be cab driver in major tourist city\n> Havent had sex in so long i'm basically Virgin again> Pick up 3 spanish qt3.14s at the airport, ask to go to city hotel> During the ride we talk about the fun > Arrived at their hotel\n> They say \u2018that was fun, why don't you hang out with us tonight?\u2019> Turbo-autism kicks in\n> Answer \u2018oh no I can't, my girlfriend wouldn't be happy about that\u2019>\n>\n>\n>I don't have a girlfriend\n> why am i like this <|endoftext|>
>be me >from the day one i loved videogames and wanted to work>worked very hard to get to good school>no life because of it but thought \"fuck it it will be worth it\">graduated uni, one of the best students\n>looking for job >this one big company asks me to make video game>yaaaaas.phd >it's fucking blizzard >it's fucking diablo mobile <|endoftext|>
>be me >be with this girl >she kinda accepts me >even tho I'm a /b/eta >she let's me stay at her place\n>very comfy, smells good >I can play vidya too >she offers that she could make some food for me>hell fucking yes! >she even asks what would I eat\n>tendietime.wav >her tendies are the best >she cares for me I can feel it >I love my mum <|endoftext|>
>neighbors keep using my parking } pad without permission>tell them not to\n>they do it anyway and just ignore me like nothing is going to happen>it's been 3 weeks >they still haven't got their car back\n>apparently they just can't afford it because of how tight money is>his wife lost her job because she couldn't make it to work for 3 weeks>they are moving out, presumably because they cannot afford the bills and the moratorium is almost<|endoftext|>
>be me in college >public speaking class >have idea >tell prof on 1st day I stutter sometimes >it\u2019s ok anon we'll get through it >really lay it on >3 minutes per paragraph in front of 40 peers >next week do a little better >can still see pain in the faces of kids when I stammer for 10 seconds on a word\n>prof encourages me every time >she even kicked a kid out of class for saying \u201ccome on\u201d under his breath\n>improving every class >almost no stuttering now >final speech give a perfect oration for me, didn\u2019t have to fake stutter at all\n>getanA <|endoftext|>
>The rape dwarf is still in my walls\n>I hear bumps in the night >Fire off some .357 rounds into the wall>Complete silence until I hear it >\"Hoho!\" >Get angry >Fire off more rounds >Hear a screech then a wimper >Hear it run off, dragging it's penis as it goes\n>Blood drips out from beneath the molding >I got him for now, but he'll be back View Thread I<|endoftext|>
>she really likes me\n>we start edating\n>find out we live close  EB >she asks how tall I am I say 5'8>she is 5'6 <|endoftext|>
>*cough *cough >\"0-okay, please give me the vaccine now. W-what do you mean it doesn't work that way? Please, I> BEEEEEER\n<|endoftext|>
>take driving test >do everything perfect >yellow light >speed up to pass it like a normal human being>this means I fail the driving test <|endoftext|>
>bf dumps me >starts dating some skinny bitch>hatch plan >make friends with him\n>hang out a lot >ask to borrow his laptop\n>download CP >bring the laptop to the police\n>\"anon, you say you found these images on his laptop>get charged with CP\n<|endoftext|>
>asexual gf wants me to wear chastity cage>ok >now asexual gf wants me to wear panties<|endoftext|>
>at the bus stop >its raining >notice qt girl >shes getting drenched\n>place my umbrella over her\n>\"umm no thanks\" >takes five steps back <|endoftext|>
>go on reddit\n>make comment about something I think I'm right about>get proven wrong\n>admit that I was wrong and thank person who provided a>get downvoted anyway >this fucking site\n<|endoftext|>
>) )/>Be on patrol in Iraq >VBIED explodes a few blocks away >We go to secure the area and I, a medic, go to treat casualties>Platoon Sergeant is with me >He points to a smoldering buttocks attached to nothing else>Looks at me and says \"check out that hot piece of ass!\">Women are on their knees throwing sand over their shoulders to mourn>I'm laughing so hard I have tears running down my face<|endoftext|>
>be me >24yo femanon >qt 17yo boys outside tesco ask me to buy them cider>hatch plan >walk into tesco and grab the cider\n>approach qt employee >explain that i saw my abusive bf outside\n>\"don't worry, you can leave through the back door\">thank him >pay for the cider with the teenagers' money\n>leave out back door >drink the cider by the canal and browse Achan on a local cafe's wifi>mfw <|endoftext|>
>mom won't pay for my Fortnite <|endoftext|>
> 10 years ago I was afraid to post here thinking you guys are all hackers and>now I realize you are all a bunch of faggots>welcome home you gay bitch <|endoftext|>
>Get job at McDonalds, need cash\n>Work in the back arranging the meals>qt 3.14 comes in with~8 yo Happy Meal>daughter is really polite to casier, says please and everything>throw in an extra nugget because of her kindness\n>few mins later, manager tells me to mop a spill\n>its right next to the mom and her daughter\n>evesdrop on them\n>\"Mommy look, the people in the back gave me an extra nugget, why?\">mom replies, \"Its because they're dumb enough to work here that they cant count\">mfw\n>mom and daughter laugh while I walk away <|endoftext|>
>wait 17 years\n>wake up >scream for 4 weeks\n>refuse to elaborate\n>die <|endoftext|>
>be me >have of >hear about Andrew Tate, decide to look him up>really like his advice >decide to try it on gf to gain her respect\n>be with her one day >tell her that I cheated on her (i didn't) >she is understandably upset >tell her \"Yeah, got drunk. Fucked some girl. Don't remember her name. If you want to leave you can leave.\">she actually does >heartbroken, text her every day telling her it wasn't real and I was just following advice I got online to be cool>tell her to look up Andrew Tate so she'll see what i mean\n>pretty sure she blocked me, all our friends hate me now What the fuck do I do? She was my first gf, I literally have<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>travel abroad basically all my life due to dad's political work>live in various european/asian countries like sweden, denmark, turkey,>have a normal upbringing\n>plenty of friends, great classmates, etc\n>eventually move to the US\n>literally the first day of school, one of my american classmates throws a fucking stapler at me<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>go on Reddit\n>see that a post has gold and silver>wot.jpg\n>ffw a few weeks\n>see a post that made me laugh\n>click on button to give gold\n>a menu comes up to buy gold\n>confusion.jpg\n>click on buy gold\n>asks for a payment method\n>what the fuck\n>some faggots actually spend money to give a medal to posts and comments that>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>8 year old cousin is over\n>she wants to watch a movie in my room>mom tells me to \"keep the door open\"<|endoftext|>
>still have to tip driver $2-3\n>$10 pizza becomes $25\n>pizza shop is 4 minutes away >be retard >have yard full of perfectly edible, healthy grass and bugs\n>decide to spend $25 on artery clogging slop instead\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>Hungry before work\n>See donut shop and think \"fuck it, >Go inside and get a chocolate >Cashier says \"Wow, lots of chocolate today huh?\"\n>\"Haha yeah, I'm the chocolate man from chocolate land.\">never return there <|endoftext|>
>be me >at school >there's a grill next to me i never >during class at one point she TAS BHEG asks: \"can we do this exercise>me: \"no\"\n>virginity protected <|endoftext|>
>Playing GTA San Andreas\n>Father comes in >Want to show him how cool the game is >Go to the beach and kill hookers using chainsaw and flamethrower\n>Few days later he bans the game <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>went to Japan for vacation\n>has a very close online jap friend that I met when I was loitering>thought he's a guy\n>short haired gt 9/10 appeared. Her name is Nao\n>even though it's the first time meeting her irl, we hit off pretty well>Nao talks to me about pretending to be a guy online>she wanted to talk with someone about rock but she thinks people online wouldn't take her seriously>she apologized\n>\"apology accepted but on one condition.\"\n>says I wanna play guitar hero with you\n>she laughed and agreed\n>nicesmile.jpeg\n>went to her apartment\n>she hurriedly opened her ps4 and accessed guitar hero>pretty high level\n>plays\n>mfw she lost\n>mfw she turned off the game and started sulking\n>started motivating her\n>hey nao, you're a rockstar. get your game on, go, <|endoftext|>
>tell a German \"I'll see you later\"\n>He asks what time <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>gap year >work as nursery assistant at a home for mentally challenged (IQ>70)\n>one guy is very unintelligent >24 years old >IQ too low to leam how to speak >only says weird sounds >no friends >only hobby is to suck puddles dry >once tried sucking lake dry >puked multiple times >once all got sick from bad food\n>he didn't because of superior stomach from sucking puddles >one day the home gets a new manager >decides that puddlesucker cannot suck puddles anymore >puddlesucker gets very sad >one time I have the night shift >its raining >see puddlesucker stand by the window crying looking at the many delicious puddles >I open the door >puddlesucker runs outside faster than a 4chan user chasing an icecream truck >sucks on atleast 7 puddles >comes back >gives me big wet hug >mfw guy who doesn't even crack a smile when he sees his family after 2 months, gives me a hug\n<|endoftext|>
 womvonwe \u2014 >SiSter 17>walks out of bathroom after shower >tell her to fasten her towel before it falls off\n>she nods and fastens it before walking away\n>i go shower and forget about it\n>because im not some sick degenerate like you fucks.  22772251744 # x >be 15<|endoftext|>
>meets a disabled 14 year on the >attempts to marry her without once trying to find our where her<|endoftext|>
>live alone and start to feel lonely\n>install vrchat and join some servers>all e-couples, whiney americans and furries>suddenly come across some other guys with monkey avatars>more people notice and start monkeying around\n>end up spending the night harassing e-couples with 4 other guys>leave not feeling so lonely <|endoftext|>
>mfw I have never touched a vagina, even when being born>mfw I wasn't really even born at all, but cut out of my mother's stomach like an<|endoftext|>
>\"THERE'S A HUGE LABOR SHORTAGE, 6 MILLION JOBS>apply to 500 jobs >get 1 call back >it's a pyramid scheme\n<|endoftext|>
>date is going well\n>politics gets brought up\n>don't want to scare her\n>spout the most normie, bluepilled, centrist opinions>nothing even remotely close to right of center>\"Oh god, you're not an alt-righter, are you?\"<|endoftext|>
>asshole hairy since 12 >can't remember time when wiping easy\n>always wipe 50 times >like cleaning muddy fishing net with tp\n>usually try to shit just before shower\n>trimming pubes one day >going at gooch >go back farther >fuck it >trim asscrack >fuck it halfway there >shave crack and hole >takes like an hour >dont want to be cutting up my shithole\n>next day >shit >wipe >wipe again >paper clean looking >wtf >did i miss the hole? >nope >just done wiping <|endoftext|>
>be me >dad leaves for cigarettes  \\) >decide to go to store for food>see dad still in line, cigarettes Tamarclare!>wave to him everyday <|endoftext|>
>grandparents visiting for a week\n>grandpa is interested in crypto, has heard me talk about it so I shill him on muh>fuck I probably shouldn't go that to gramps>help him sign up\n>he has to confirm email\n>\"Oh dang, guess I'll just have to do this when I get back home\">tell him he can just sign into his email on my computer and sign back out if he's worried about muh privacy or>\"What do you mean anon? My email is just on my computer back at home\">browhat\n>Tell him he can login to his email on literally any device he has access to.>just put in the email and password dude\n>show him how to do it\n>\"WOW Anon, I had no idea you could do that! That's so cool!\"<|endoftext|>
>sit down to watch my boyfriend play>its a dark souls like type game\n>he dies <|endoftext|>
>three years ago >really drunk >post my number on 4chan asking someone to call me and>this bald mother fucker right here calls me>tells me a story about a bear who switches places with a human for a day>many keks til i fall asleep >becomes a weekly ritual >time goes on and its less stories and more general conversation>three years later hes getting married >asks me to be the best man in his wedding\n>whythefucknot.jpg >fly up the coast to stay at his house for the weekend>friends and family all know \u2018of' me so its kinda weird>but everyones really fucking chill especially his friends<|endoftext|>
>wake up\n>still not Br*tsh\n>day improves noticably <|endoftext|>
>be me >Watching Netflix health documentary\n>\"haha fat people\" >They're filming fatties in the street\n>\"hey, I have that shirt\" >\"hey, I have those cargo shorts\"\n>\"hey, I know that building\" >mfw 1 Reply I View Thread<|endoftext|>
>taking massive shit >coming out sideways\n>hurts like hell >feel and hear anus tearing\n>losing lots of blood\n>wake up around 15 minutes later\n>go to wipe\n>cleanwipe.doc\n>no blood, no shit\n>feel around asshole\n>someone sewn up my gaping wound and cleaned it>blood and shit still in toilet <|endoftext|>
>Be me >20 >Enough money to stay in Japan for a few months >Go to Tokyo >Slowly find the places where Japanese women who want westemers hang out\n>After maybe 2 weeks I end up in a casual encounter >Repeat quite a few times >End of time here >Go back to UK >Didn't use condoms, didn't ask if they were on the pill, always cummed inside of them. <|endoftext|>
>Arabs > Pel <|endoftext|>
>never ask anyone out\n>never get rejected\n>basically irresistible haha who's the chad now<|endoftext|>
>making out with slut i brought from a nearby bar\n>gonna fuck this bitch >look to my condor for approval >he shits on her bag and pecks her outta the room.\n>later find out she had harpies from fiend <|endoftext|>
>I post the frog >they see the frog and get mad\n>they say mean things to me\n>I get sad >i want to feel happy again\n>frog makes me happy >I post the frog\n<|endoftext|>
>mom and dad both had a bad day and decided to destress, whatever, free food>throughout the whole dinner they're both >my little brother suddenly looks like he had an idea and whispers in my ear \"watch this\">he asks mom and dad to look each other in the eye as long as they can>think to myself wtf is he doing, a staring contest?\n>after about 15 seconds of eye contact they both start smiling and eventually they break into laughter at that.>mfw my lil bro is the best at making people happy <|endoftext|>
> Shut the Tuck up and dont interrupt me, you Tat\n<|endoftext|>
>tfw you'll never have a cute gf who plays games in your lap and when she beats you at them she teases you while rubbing her butt on your dick>when she beats you \u2018what kind of fucking casual do you take me for<|endoftext|>
>beme >in highschool > accidentally bump into girl in the hallway\n> she says \"ew\" > mfw this happens on multiple occasions\n> mfw they aren't even trying to be mean, <|endoftext|>
>be me, 28 year old Texas fag\n>live in Corpus Christi\n>love it here but city has a bad homeless problem>last week find a hobo walking through grocery store parking lot in morning>strike up conversation and befriend him\n>offer to pay him $200 if he helps me move furniture out of my house in Austin>he agrees\n>I don\u2019t have house in Austin\n>we go to Austin, ~4 hour drive\n>he gets out to use bathroom in gas station in random ghetto>I leave him and drive back to corpus <|endoftext|>
>working in a high end restaurant>chef is hard ass german>decide to fuck with him>bartender brings up case of apple juice in cans, and leaves it>snag 3 cans from the case, and crank the oven to 500>service starts >it's time >place cans of apple juice in the oven\n>they start to melt and contort, leaking apple juice into the inferno of an oven>chef walks into the kitchen >\"VAT IS ZAT HISSING\" >try to contain my laughter as kraut chef opens the oven door to see melting>kraut chef starts yelling \"WHY IZ ZE JEWZ IN ZE OVEN, TAKE ZE JEWZ OUT>entire dining room can hear him\n>kraut chef never found out that it was me<|endoftext|>
>be me, 27\n>amazing kind girlfriend\n>she has autistic 31 y/o brother\n>bit odd, really loves trains, MTG, and Roman imperial history>mostly non verbal recluse now has fellow nerdbro to shoot the shit with>parents love me\n>\u2019anon is so good with him! He really goes out of his way to be his friend\u201d>literally just vibing with dude\n>don\u2019t feel the need to check myself when I go off on my fixations>am I autistic, /b?\n<|endoftext|>
>hyper military based society Sy >tries to convince itself it's the>loses <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>talk to cute girl\n>I'm totally into her\n>seems like she's into me as well\n>ask girl out >okie dokie, moving on >later hear from mutual friend that girl was wondering as to why I gave up so easily in trying to pursue her<|endoftext|>
>grandpa has stroke and falls down the stairs>suffers brain damage and left side of body is paralyzed>can never walk again and has to use a wheelchair>mom is worried that his brain will >he goes to treatment center for recovery\n>couple of months go by >it's father's day >my parents and I go to treatment center to see grandpa>grandpa gives wrapped gift to my dad >dad opens it >it's a porn magazine <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>have female friend who likes shitpost as much as I do>notificationtojoinashitpostgroupfromher.exe\n>Flat Earth etc... >seems like a decent shitpost group >everyone has a top tier shitposting/Irony humor\n>\"NASA uses Eyefish lence\" >Laugh at funny ironical memes and shit they write>my friend likes NASA and space bs >see a post where she is arguing w/ some random guy>Find out the FB group is not a shitpost group\n>Mfw I've been in this group for at least 2 months\n>Mfw I thought their posts were memes >Mfw these people actually think Earth is flat\n>Mfw top excuse is \"NASA uses eyefish lence\"\n<|endoftext|>
>be american\n>internet is blocked\n>bored >go outside >get shot <|endoftext|>
>be me >lonely little shit\n>had a few close friends but we kinda>for the last few years had 0 friends, no love life, no resemblance of a genuine>got a job last year, am 24 now >its right next to one of the old friends job (she's a bartender, let's call her Marie)>i go to marie's bar after work one day (didnt know she worked there)>start going to marie's bar pretty much every day after work for a cup of coffee>life's not as monotone >one of marie's friends starts coming in too>let's call her Nina >me and nina hang out at maries bar every day after work, banter, coffee, just>ff a bit >one day us 3 are all there >me and Nina had a few drinks, marie cant drink at work>me and nina go out for a smoke >as im pretty drunk i just blurt out sometime, just the two of us?>she says yes >ff 4 weeks >me and nina are now dating >heard nina say the words \"my boyfriend\" when talking to someone>\"my boyfriend\" >feelsgoodman >ff a few more weeks >nina says I love you while we're on a date>been a lonely piece of shit all my life\n>took 24 years but i finally feel loved <|endoftext|>
>windows 7 that hasn't been updated >download pirated games from russian sites monthly>watch porn daily >do all my banking on the same computer living on the edge<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>10 years old\n>my mom just bought a cat\n>very cute and smol\n>black with white paws\n>fast foward 12 years more depressed>no matter how depressed I got I never cried\n>always felt like I had no valve to release my sadness\n>cute smol cat is now cute old cat\n>has always cheered me up to see her lying in my bed\n>would die for her\n>one day cat starts to behave different\n>doesnt eat, always tired\n>drive to vet\n>she has a kidney disease\n>vet told that she doesnt have long\n>after that it gets worse\n>I decided to euthanize her so she can go in peace\n>after the euthanasia I sit in my car\n>started crying for almost 1 hour\n>all the feelings inside me bursted out\n>really felt good <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>watch breaking bad for the first time\n>decide to try meth because they make it look and sound too delicious>get addicted\n>lose friends, family, gf, basicallt Is there any way i could sue the producers>decide to try meth lol you fucking idiot<|endoftext|>
>be 19 yr old kv suicidal depressed neet\n>live with parents >unmarried sister gets preggers because of her bf and doesn't want the>kid is born, beautiful boy >she abandons him at parents home to pursue her dead end \u201cacting>parents, and i basically take care of >love him like my own son, he calls me papa >son grows up fine, i get warehouse job to have more money to make him happier>start jogging in the morning to have enough stamina to play with him\n>son is great at academics, gets As >start getting along better with my own parents since we're taking care of my son together>work harder and get promoted, more money to buy son toys >experience first hand what raising a child is like, love him >now am 36 yrs old kv with a managerial job at a shipping company >son has gone to univ this year >parents and i are very lonely with nothing to do all day >wait for son's call in the back of our heads all the time >sister is still struggling with her \"acting career\" (son calls her auntie Imao)>son is coming home for christmas >can't decide what to do to celebrate his first year at college >almost know for certain that if son hadn't been born, i would've probably jumped off a building to end my pathetic life<|endoftext|>
>be me > 18yo > first blow job > feelsamazing > cums buckets in her mouth  z > she swallows EIN ee > your cum tastes really bad anon> haha I know What have I done<|endoftext|>
>be me >watch witcher with GF >Geralt takes of shirt >GF suddenly disappears somewhere >finally I have some alone time and can fap to this handsome fella<|endoftext|>
>have you tried melatonin >have you tried sleeping pills? >it's because you drink too much >you just need to stop worrying >if you'd get on a routine\n>if you'd go to bed earlier <|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>Sore throat\n>Go to doctor for checkup\n>Tonsillitis.jpg\n>Need to get tonsils removed\n>Knocked out for operation\n>Wake up high af\n>Nurse tells me I can have as many iceblocks as I want>Stay in hospital for a few days eating mostly iceblocks and chicken>Finally leave hospital after recovery\n>Later surgeons\n<|endoftext|>
>Create Reddit account >Notice my arms start to get chubbier >Panic as my stomach begins to bulge >Waddle towards the door >Fingers are too fat to grab the handle >Body is getting fatter >Hair begins to grown on my neck >Clothes start to rip apart and fall to the floor >Skull starts to reshape, creating a fedora like form atop >\"Mom help me!\" >Mom enters the room >\"Anon, what's going on!?\" >\"I'm... I'm a big chungus!\" >Mom bursts into tears >I'm now a redditor <|endoftext|>
>be me. 5'4\" 103lb straight guy>forever alone in \"friendzone\" because of my>6'4\" bear at work says he'll take me out for dinner because he can tell I'm down.>fast forward end of night I'm sucking his dick and he's telling me how hot I am>Never in life been told I'm hot <|endoftext|>
>be me >cub scouts camping trip >its getting dark >scout master tells us to get wood n shit for a bonfire>go about 20 feet away from camp\n>see the perfect stick >grab it >its a rattlesnake tail >too retarded to run away >bring it over my head and swing it in circles>the snake can't come back and bite >shout for help >everyone comes >sees me using a snake like a lasso\n>kids laughing, adults shitting pants\n>tell me to hit the snake against a tree as hard as! can>hope it breaks its neck >whip its head at mach speed into the biggest tree I could find>head explodes >adults don't know whether to congratulate or punish me>other kids think I'm hardcore >mfw my nickname was snake charmer from then on<|endoftext|>
>be me  \u00a7 > dating girl> she reads Cosmo article about kinky d things to do in bed>\"1 - Give your partner's penis a sexy >I oblige > next day > things start getting steamy > hands rubbing everywhere > she is breathing heavily >I ask what nickname she wants to use\n> she calls my dick \"The Impaler\" > \"Tell me what you want baby\u201d > \"The Impaler. I need the Impaler! Give it to me!\"\n> she's breathing even heavier now > diamonds.jpeg >I start fucking her > her body is wriggling all over the place\n> cum within a minute > I roll off > her body goes limp > her breathing stops > realise I misheard what she was asking for\n> it turns out she was asthmatic > I'm the reason she died... <|endoftext|>
>Be me >Best friend and I move into a house together\n>Neither of us have GFs >Fuck each other because it's better than masturbating\n>Decide to get married for tax benefits >Adopt a kid to be our little bro >One day while we fuck our balls touch >He doesnt stop and say \"no homo\" <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>\"depressed\u201d 12 year old >decide i want to kill myself >family getting ready to go to the beach >prepare my final plan >gets to beach >goes in water >screams \"goodbye forever\u201d >throws AA battery into the sea >mfw still alive >mfw my family are laughing at me for being retarded\n>mfw i probably am retarded\n<|endoftext|>
>have gf >shes an autistic medical student >be autistic econ degree who posts on 4chan\n>she loves science and examines bacterial samples for fun>buy her a microscope for her birthday >we have sex later >cum on her stomach >\"wow anon that was great but i need to get up\"\n>think she didnt like the sex >she just wanted put my semen on a microscope slide>shes standing there naked examining my sperm under a microscope>we spend an hour examining my sperm and using stats to determine my fertility>she gets aroused by the sperm density >have sex again <|endoftext|>
>get gf into powerlifting and martial arts to share my hobbies>she gets into it, but also starts doing athleticism>makes me run and cycle with her >today she made me run around >tomorrow she wants to jump off a bridge with me and swim to the other side of our local river>I'm really scared and I don't want to do it, but I will because I don't want to lose her respect<|endoftext|>
>be me >be loser who drives a delivery van all >work is fucking boring as fuck >get new puppy >have idea >I will take puppy to work with me >Next day put puppy in van >Puppy sits shotgun all day, does not piss or poop in cab >Take puppy to park during lunch break >Puppy waits patiently while I make deliveries >Drive home >Realize work was fun with my little puppy buddy >Have never had this much enjoyment of work >Thank you puppy <|endoftext|>
>don't own a car >walk to store >buy weekly groceries for $50 vs>buy car for $40,000 >buy insurance for $1500\n>pay $200 a month for gas\n>buy $120 costco membership\n>go to costco and spend $45\n>\"woah I'm so good with money, I just saved myself $5\" <|endoftext|>
>Meet female friend (not gf, but I do have a mild crush on her) ina>decide to pay for both of us, because I have a well paid job>after we meed a few times she tells me she doesnt want me to pay for her, she>she wants to pay for me too instead\n>when I refuse and tell her she no income while I make 2.5k every month she gets pissed>well paid job >2500 a month <|endoftext|>
>read the Iliad and the odyssey >decide to try living like the ancient  4 - >start eating lots of lamb,>sun my balls every day >start training more compounds, especially >start growing a beard >listen to meditterranean music >drink only cheap red wine >refer to myself in the 3rd person as \u201czorba\u201d >lifts skyrocket >interest from women skyrockets <|endoftext|>
>mexican joins the server\n>turns on his mic\n>hear his mother yelling\n>baby crying\n>vacuum cleaner \u20193Keype _ WWWWRRRRRRIIINNNG>\"CAAAAASSSSOOOO CEEEERRRRRAAAAADOOOOOOO\">police sirens\n>dog barking\n<|endoftext|>
>behind a slow ass fucking faggoty hearse in traffic>tooted my horn\n>eventually pulled up next to them at lights>child sized coffin >went home feeling like a fat piece of shit <|endoftext|>
>go into Boots to buy toothbrush >see Stacey I went to school with working behind the counter>hatch plan >pick up a box of Durex Extra Large\n>she'll think I have a hung super cute bf\n>walk up to counter >not sure if she recognizes me >pay for the toothbrush and condoms\n>as i'm walking out the door, I hear her whisper to her co-worker>\"I think that tranny has a big dick\"\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>be me P >30 y/o now de : >grew up without a father \\ >mom used to make me dinner>begin to model my life after him in my 20s>have this thing where i ask myself \"what would mr hill do\" when important decisions come up>generally works out for me\n>saved me from some costly mistakes thru life\n>dedicate myself to working hard through my 20s\n>had plenty saved before covid\n>multiple high risk factora like asthma\n>able to go on extended leave without much to worry about>just bought a propane grill <|endoftext|>
>go on tinder date last night >seemingly normal girl >decide to go get coffee pretty late >sit down >I ask \"so what do you do for a living?\" >\"so I actually don't have a job right now because advocating takes up a huge part of my time, I'ma<|endoftext|>
>be me, 19\n>gets called cute, funny, smart\n>both my roommates are women\n>they wonder why I never had a gf * >never felt ready<|endoftext|>
>be from ukraine >unironically use reddit >war is shit and stuff >make a picture of my morning view with ukrainian breakfast,>it gets removed for being >the entire subreddit is just about the war\n>99% of the people are westerners just talking about russia all day>they give each other awards for saying \"Fuck Putin\u2019>these people dont give a shit about ukrainne\n<|endoftext|>
>Happy New Year's Eve, anon! So which lucky lady are you kissing at midnight?<|endoftext|>
>dad buys 2015 Diesel Dodge Ram\n>6 months later says \"I think I'm gonna buy a new truck\">whatthefuck.jpeg\n>\"why you just got a new one\" >\"then why don't you make your 2015 last forever\"\n>says I don't understand vehicles\n>tfw he's over $70,000 in debt and doesn't understand why<|endoftext|>
>In a gym bathroom\n>Brushing my teeth for whatever reason\n>finish up, spit water out >Violent loud sound >Like a thousand balloons rubbing together >Everyone stops and looks at >Nervously try to play it off >Casually say \u201cSqueaky clean boys.\u201d >Walk out of gym bathroom >Wake up\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >charming enough for girls to hang ' out with me>not charming enough for girls to >aware enough to realize that i >autistic enough to keep having in-depth conversations with her in my head<|endoftext|>
>superglue GPS tracker to bicycle >leave it unlocked infront of my apartment >wait for people to steal it >chase them in my car, get out and kick their ass\n>take their wallets >repeat <|endoftext|>
>be 17 in high school\n>used to crush on this girl in English class pretty hard>talk to her casually in class, never try anything>say hi to her and friends all go \"oo00000000!\"\n>one of them jokingly says \"this guy must have a huge dick since he's hitting on your right in front of>crush looks at me giggling, \u201cis it ttue Anon? Do you have a big dick?\">dontfuckthisup\n>\"Nah, that's just a rumor\"\n>Laughter stops for a second then turns into nervous laughter<|endoftext|>
>walk by the den one day\n>computer is within view of the door>dad is on the computer, doesnt >viewing some creepshots of milfy news anchors thighs on google images>can see his has 3 other pages pushed to the side from other porn sites. He's viewing them all>chuckle, and walk away >week later I come in late at night, stoned like a cheating muslim women>dad is standing in the kitchen with a baggie from my stash>\"anon, just what the hell is this?\" >\"...well, I can tell you what its not.... a google search of your favorite news anchors thighs\u201d>dead silence hangs in the air, he gives me a nod and leaves the room>mfw >never speak about ethier incident again <|endoftext|>
>he preordered?\n>slash the development budget\n<|endoftext|>
>Be in preschool >Uncircumcised >Kid notices in bathroom >Later that day in a group with other boys and girls\n>Kid says my pee pee is different\n>Other kids want to see >Show them >They want to touch it >why not >Let them >They pull back my foreskin repeatedly and touch the head\n>Feelsgoodman.jpg >My pee pee gets bigger >One of the little girls screams >Female teacher comes over >ohshit >The kids' parents are informed <|endoftext|>
>Buy fake prop money off Amazon>Looks real as fuck >Last night >Go to strip club >Pay for entry fee and drinks at >Spend all night drunk and paying strippers for private lap dances>It's dark and their drunk/high so they don't check to see \"For Motion Picture Use Only\">Spend over $4,000 in useless money in one night\n>All the strippers love me >Get to touch their boobs and asses >Feel like Chad for one night >Only costed $9.99 + tax <|endoftext|>
>2 years ago \u2014 >watching movie with (at the time) \\ e- >scene where the main character>she looks at me and goes \"it must be weird to kiss your best friend\">\"yeah i guess\" >20 minutes of complete silence >she says \"i gotta go\" >she leaves and we never spoke again <|endoftext|>
>be me 15 >Parents don't give a fuck about me, I have nothing to do, so I spend most of my time>One day at skate park, piss off some older dudes, my friends bail on me and I get>They take my wallet and snap my board\n>I'm walking home head hung low, ripped shirt broken board>Friends qt older sister is driving by and sees me>Pulls over >\"OMG anon what happened\" >We get there, she whipes blood off my face, starts telling me how mad she is that those>Starts to massage me >Boner activated >Hey anon why dont you take a shower and clean up your scrapes>I agree, she brings me to the bathroom, starts undressing me, her hand brushes on>Giggles, \"ooh anon, a little excited are we?\"\n>Tells me to get in the shower, tells me she'll be right back>Im washing off, see the door start to crack open>See eye peering in at me >Feeling bold, \"why dont you come join me you little slut\">Voice booms \"don't mind if I do!\" >Her dad runs in and fucks the shit out of my ass and then leaves me broken on the<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>learn about rule 34\n>if it exists there is porn of it>look up alien porn >mfw i just proved aliens <|endoftext|>
>year 2020 >trump is re-elected\n>immediately declares war on Vietnam>Vietnam war 2.0 >be rice farmer in Vietnam >start hearing Lil Yaughty playing in the distance to the sounds of rotary engines>helicopters start flying over me >Gucci gang starts blasting from the helicopter speakers>whole fuckin area around me gets napalmed\n>choppers drop off enemy troops >get smoked by a 17 year old with a pickle Rick sticker on the side of his helmet>he does the Fortnite dance over my body then yeets me into a bush<|endoftext|>
>Soldier posts on Facebook his exact location to his friends and fellow>Redditor posts the image on Reddit for updoots>Russian scrolling through the subreddit gets confirmation that Ukrainians are using>Russians shell every abandoned school in the area, massacring everybody<|endoftext|>
>Be KIWI >BE A TASTY FUCK\n>FEEL LIKE FRESHLY SHAVED. PUSSY>BE GREEN LIKE SHREK\n>FULL OF VITAMINS\n>HEALTHY AF\n> TASTE OF ANGELS CUMMING IN YOUR MOUTH>FUCK ORANGES >Be ORANGE\n>BE A SWEET TANGY AND TASTY ASS MOTHER FUCKER>FEEL LIKE ADAMN FRUIT SHOULD FEEL AND NOT LIKE>BE ORANGE, LIKE A FUCKING ORANGE, UNLIKE KIWI WHO IS NIGGER ON THE>TASTE LIKE SUGAR MIXED WITH A 9000 VOLT BATTERY OF MANLINESS, NOT FAGGOTY>FUCK KIWIS, TINY ASS HAIRY NIGGER FRUIT <|endoftext|>
>\"The biggest importer of Quebec maple syrup is the United States, which buys more than 60% of<|endoftext|>
>make rigged casino\n>make it so slot machines have a 0% chance of paying out>make it a progressive jackpot worth millions upon billions of dollars>finally after all this time someone finds a >comes time to pay out but dont have nearly enough to do so, this scenario was never planned for, has to pay by>forced to sell the casino and everything in it\n>NOOOOOOOONOOOO0O0NNNNO00000000000C YOU PLAYED THE SLOT MACHINE WRONG YOU<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>be horny\n>want to stick my peepee into girl peepee>brightidea.webm\n>match with qt3.14 mexican girl\n>she does not speak english\n>use google translate to woo her\n>ff a week\n>we hang out\n>things are getting hot\n>use google to ask her to suck my peepee and if we can have sex>it works Thanks google<|endoftext|>
>fixing notebook for a ~70 years old lady>comes, pays, asks about gaming tier GPUs for her desktop>little took back I inquire about the price range and what games,>nope, I play the Assasin >Assassin's creed? >yes, on my grandsons console, I just love Venice>she pauses >and killing people <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>think i'm an incel\n>realize i've never actually tried to seduce a girl>which makes me single by choice,\n>get Tinder, start watching pua shit\n>take care of myself, start having hobbies\n>ask some girls out\n>get rejected\n>now I'm officially an incel how do you do, fellow social retards<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>was actually going to an hero>decide to jump off bridge nearby my hometown>i turn around and see a pizza guy walking toward me telling me not to do it>yeahwhateverhearditabilliontimes.mp3\n>see he has tears in his eyes\n>tells me that he lost his brother to suicide years ago and hes always felt like he>actually pretty moved by his story, i have a little bro>invites me into his car and offers me the pizza he has>drives me back to his home after calling his boss and telling him about the>all the while he's shooting the shit and cracking me up, really chill guy>we get to an apartment downtown and he offers me to stay the night>open the door to his roommates drinking beer and playing mario kart>laugh and game with them\n>next morning we part ways and he gives me his phone number and tells me i can>bus home, tell mom and dad i was out with friends<|endoftext|>
>be me  ,  >sad and depressed>mom comes over\n>she makes pancakes >be me >loser working dead end job barely enough to pay rent>no friends, dont talk to co workers >depressed >mom comes over every week to cook several days worth of food and restock groceries>cleans my place >never asks for anything <|endoftext|>
>first day of class\n>get to class early so im one of the first people to sit down>sit towards the back\n>four stacys walk in a few minutes\n>in the sea of empty seats they choose 4 seats all situated near me>all of them introduce themselves to me <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>neighbour has heavily disabled son>outside gym master race\n>one day I\u2019m lifting and he\u2019s in the neighbors garden>I'm benching my 1RM\n>here a noise\n>look up and see this little spazoid cheering and bobbing his head>now every time I lift he wheels himself out and cheers me on>mfw I now lift for him <|endoftext|>
>Talking to 2 girls at the same time on tinder>Similar attractiveness\n>Girl one: how come you've asked me my phone so early? You're>Aren't you bored of using this app? I thought you'd ask me for my number but you don't seem>on tinder\n<|endoftext|>
>Liberals have stupid ideas >Not making the McRib a full time menu item is a stupid idea<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>neighbour has heavily disabled son>outside gym master race\n>one day I\u2019m lifting and he's in the neighbors garden>I'm benching my 1RM\n>here a noise\n>look up and see this little spazoid cheering and bobbing his head>now every time I lift he wheels himself out and cheers me on>mfw I now lift for him <|endoftext|>
>\"sure, mom >*quits ranke <|endoftext|>
>See's my sister getting ready >\"going out?\" >\"Yeah, the Bae is coming to get me\" (she fucking used Bae.)>\"Oh i'd love to meet him, have him come in!\"\n>sister brings bf in our house >my dad pretended he was in the bathroom.\n>he was in fact, slipping into something more comfortable>he walks out with my mom's bathrobe (giant fluffy white collar, about 3 feet to short for>his speedo on. The speedo he never wore because it was way to tight, yet he saved it,>walks out >\"OH YOU MUST BE JUSTIN\" >reaches out for a handshake >kid grabs his hand >dad yanks him over and bear hugs him\n>\"Ohhbh your hair smells nice, what is that? Olley?\">kid is horrified >\"uhhhh...no...uhhh...c-can we go babe? we might be late\u201d>they leave >my dad just looks over and says \"Do you think that was legal? My balls are hanging<|endoftext|>
>implying white people never had their own N word<|endoftext|>
>Fat with skinny legs is not a good look. It's usually an early sign of liver failure>It's usually an early sign of liver failure I've literally never seen anyone refer to someone<|endoftext|>
>Little sister is a loli >(pictured) >She enters your bedroom one night\n>\"Oh Brother, I wish to bear your children!\"<|endoftext|>
>another dream about being a rockstar beloved by billions>another dream about being an iron-fisted dictator reshaping society to my ideals>another nightmare where that fucking hellish monster is chasing me while I have to collect the>carl from jimmy neutron is there for some reason\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>post on 4chan /b/ everyday\n>end up on youtube and see pewdiepie video titled>watch video of pewdiepie\n>realize all his 9 year viewers probably decided to come on 4chan>mfw all they saw was porn <|endoftext|>
>Be me >playing video games on Sunday >comfy as hell >very invested in game >\"Oh shit, I stayed up all night playing video >panicking as I think about another exhausting day >look out window >turns out that it's just the mushroom cloud from a >crisisaverted.exe <|endoftext|>
>be me, 19 >amateur MMA fighter witha >I'm very athletic and I'ma >be 5'6 >every girl i know is taller than me >no one likes short guys <|endoftext|>
>don't live with mum >she sent presents to me >filmed myself opening them to send to her to make it like iam there>accidentally sent a dick masturbation video in with the present videos<|endoftext|>
>birthday is on new year >family forgot >friends forgot >sad >nintendo emails me happy birthday>feel better and play some smash bros<|endoftext|>
> be in middle school English period> was told to write a word starting with the letter \"g\" and many> my turn\n>mind started to race as I feel judgmental stares\n> wrote \"Gobbledygook\"\n> classmates laughed\n> teacher said, \"Don't make up words, anon\"\n> everyone mocked my vocabulary for the rest of the day> went home and found dictionary\n> next day showed it to the teacher that it exists\n> rather than explaining it to the class, teacher replied, \"Stop being a sore loser.\">mfw <|endoftext|>
>finish cigarette >drop it in can >mfw it's the soda I just walked into the kitchen to get<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>28, live with wife\n>wake up in the morning to the smell of bacon and eggs>walk downstairs to greet my wife\n>she smiles at me\n>happiness\n>go over to medicine cabinet\n>hear my beautiful wife humming in the background>take my meds\n>2mg risperdal\n>turn to wife\n>she's gone\n>start cooking bacon and eggs\n<|endoftext|>
>Girl looks at me >The image of me is now pulsing through her neurons>Technically am inside her\n>Later virgins\n<|endoftext|>
>like dungeons and dragons, other  4 >try to join gaming groups>some of the boys always fall in love with me>I must claim her pussy for my own!!!\n>it ruins the group even when I do nothing via simping and infighting>other guys actually blame you for this somehow <|endoftext|>
>really fucking love eating my girl out>love hearing the sounds she makes - >one time realise she makes a>the sounds she makes vary in pitch, I can make her make specific noises at will>try to play the Darth Vader theme on her\n>almost got it >she snaps out of euphoria the second she figures out what I'm trying to do>mood killed instantly >she doesn't trust me down there again >tfw I'm not allowed to eat pussy anymore <|endoftext|>
>be me at 15\n>share pc with family\n>dad screams at me\n>beats me up because I \u201cinstalled a virus on the pc\u201d>look at pc >it's the windows 10 update\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >am 17 >am pretty stupid and broke so decide to sell fake>kids actually believe it's weed and buy some>mfw they fake being high and then come back to buy more>one day called up to principals office\n>there\u2019s a cop in there >they ask to search my bag >mfw all they find is oregano >mfw I say I\u2019m making pasta after school and my friend gave me some oregano he>mfw they can\u2019t do anything so they send me back to class<|endoftext|>
>be me >lonely >have cat >find out cats like back scratches\n>give cat back scratches >cat loves it >cat now follows me around and I give the good scratch>I love cat >cat loves me >I feel loved >not lonely >yes\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >have memory loss >get a gf >everything is good >get drafted for the military >my girl is waiting for me >serve my time >over my time in the service I forgot I had a gf\n>go on living life as normal >grow my hair out and a beard >decide to visit my hometown >go to the local pub >meet a really nice bartender girl >she starts telling me how her husband is in the military\n>tells me she's lonely >icanfixthat.jpeg >we head to her place >fuck like rabbits >finish up and pass out >next morning she's making breakfast\n>as I'm laying in bed I notice a picture\n>it's her and her husband >examine it closely >it's me without my beard and long hair\n>everything suddenly comes back to me\n>I just fucked my own wife >I just cucked myself >forget about it two weeks later <|endoftext|>
>sit down to watch my boyfriend play\n>he's a healer <|endoftext|>
>Senior year\n>Perfect plan\n>Me and my friend\n>We start fighting in the men showers>Kick, punch and push >Burst inside\n>Keep fighting pretending we didn't even realize>Naked girls come rushing and grab us to stop<|endoftext|>
>be a student >your retard roommate bakes a cake >\"hey anon, want to try a slice of cheesecake I made?\u201d -3\n>accept the social opportunity for eating cheesecake >2 hours later >phone notification go brr >'Lena added a new cost for you: 1.74\u20ac cheesecake\u201d\n<|endoftext|>
>be aussie\n>buy boomerang for home defense>needs more danger\n>attach knives to it >really big knives >night falls one day\n>someone breaks in\n>hop out of bed in my kangaroo jammies\n>grab kniferang\n>catch the two stealing my giant spider collection>throw boomberang\n>slices off both of their heads\n>wait how am i gonna catch it\n>it's about to hit me\n>my spiders save me by shooting webs at it>spiders take dead bodies for sustenance\n>go back to bed in my kangaroo jammies\n>realize now the spiders have the kniferange>no one should have that power\n>not even me\n>burn down house\n>nothing remains but warped metal <|endoftext|>
>have 6/10 bf\n>he's really nice and thougftful so it's solid 7/10>sex.exe regularly\n>sometime he wants me to put this on,\n>don't think much about it, maybe just what he likes>until one day he murmured \"Rose\" while sleeping after SeX.exe>wtf is he cheating me?\n>ask him directly who is Rose? he admits it's a 2D character I wear her costume all the time<|endoftext|>
>be me GS >highschool junior>5\u20198\u201d 200Ibs small muscles aw >decide to get fit>better diet >get pneumonia the day after\n>push through\n>lose 2lbs in first week\n>motivated\n>celebrate with a cheat day and a trip to the movies>gain 3lbs from snacks and popcorn\n>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>Claims Snow White is offensive\n>Refuses to elaborate >Puts seven of his fellow dwarf L actors out of the job<|endoftext|>
>go on akinator >say yes when asked if your character is a porn-star>answer in accordance to what you want your porn-star to look like>profit\n<|endoftext|>
>got my brother's spare key because we live a walking distance>we buy the same kind of bread because that's the same one we>he's a man of schedule, goes >always hated how irregular my habits are >decide to be a shithead for no reason >get a bag of bread on the same day he's gone shopping>toast the entire thing and put it back in the bag\n>wait until it's time for brother's walk >take my bag of toast and sneak in with my keys\n>know where he keeps his bread, switch the bag of bread with the bag of toast>toast two slices of bread to make the whole house smell like toast>escape once they're done\n>make sure I left no mark in the house, touch >make it to home, start gaming\n>25 minutes later I get a text <|endoftext|>
>be me >post true greentext about jacking off into my sisters panties>gets on reddit >sister is redditfag >fake laugh and spaghetti all over >make up excuse about violent diarrhea before leaving>return all stolen panties >mfw this makes it on reddit too <|endoftext|>
>Be me >Live in China >Have a birthday cake addiction\n>Go to store every week to buy cake>Cashiers start to recognise me\n>One cashier eventually questions why I keep buying birthday cake>Tell him I have lots of kids and they all have birthdays around the same time>Cashier gives me funny look >Confused.jpg >Mfw the one child policy <|endoftext|>
>name is Richard\n>dad used to call me \"Dick\" as a kid\n>one Saturday invite friends from elementary school to spend the day at>friends have a good kek at my expense\n>since that day they start calling me Dick too\n>one day at school best friend accidentally calls me \"Cock\">friends jokingly refer to me as Cock since that day\n>other classmates pick up on this and start calling me Cock too>figured this was just an elementary school thing\n>it wasn't\n>for the entirety of my middle/highschool years, I am known only as \"Cock\" to most of my classmates>attended a highschool reunion just before the coof\n>turns out some of my old classmates didn't even know what my actual name was>they still refer to me as Cock to this day This is my name now, I guess<|endoftext|>
>foreign guy at work walks up to me and points at my arms and says \"tattoo?\">I say \"what?\" >\"tattoo? >\"uh, no, I don't have any.\" >'very nice. very good. me neither\"\n>walks away\n<|endoftext|>
>be me, playing WoW >play on asian servers because NA >2 Chinese players bully me >type \"June 4th 1989, Tian an Men >Both disconnect\n>mfw I just sent two inncoent children to a Chinese Labor Camp and got their whole family executed<|endoftext|>
>be american >get fat, get shot, become poor because surgery is>get beheaded by isis >be asian\n>suicide because of stress and no gf >be african\n>be african >be australian\n>get killed by venomous animal and lose war against emu<|endoftext|>
>be me >Serbian >family is pretty racist >hit it off with a Croat girl and start dating her\n>eventually decide to break it to my dad >He\u2019s sitting down reading and I say there\u2019s something I want to tell him>I explain to him that I\u2019ve met someone who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with>\u201dYou better not be telling me you're gay anon.\u201d\n>say that I am not gay, and that I\u2019ve been dating a Croat girl for a few months now>he gives me a harsh look, throws his book at me, & starts yelling and cursing at the top of his lungs>mfw I probably should've just told him I was gay\n<|endoftext|>
>eating popsicle with my friend>it looks phallic\n>we lol a bit\n>lick it seductively while >he is laughing his ass off\n>put it in my mouth and push it as deep as ican>gag and then pull it out\n>i look like one of those hentai girls, spit trailing and everything>he stops laughing and then looks shocked>look down\n>rock hard <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>talented guitarist and pianist / >won numerous talent shows>also a big fan of the youtube channel Vsauce>one day get into an accident >I have to type with my nose\n>can no longer play instruments\n>my life passions are gone\n>feeling really depressed\n>see a new Vsauce video in my subscriptions box\n>\"Is Anything Real?\" uploaded June 3rd 2013\n>so excited to watch a new Vsauce video\n>video starts\n>\"Hey, Vsauce! Michael here! Where are your fingers?\">immediately start crying <|endoftext|>
>be me, 19\n>in college\n>arrive at college before class started, needed to shit before first class>get to the bathroom and open the door\n>profis in there shitting, door wide open\n>stare at each other for a few secs\n>he holds his hand out to close the door\n>i shake his hand <|endoftext|>
>try to get a Chad haircut\n>comes out looking like pic related <|endoftext|>
>be me >8 y/o >on bus home >really damn hungry  m >see much older kid (15) behind>hunger.mpg is using too much >\"hey, can I please have a small bite?\" >he turns to face me >doesnt utter a word, just smiles and hands me the whole hotdog>i grab it and sit back in my seat >happiest little fuck in the bus >22 now and I still regret not thanking that blessed soul<|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>born around 2lbs\n>survive that\n>pull out my oxygen tube and turn purple>almost spawn killed myself\n>gets autism instead <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>born virgin It was rigged from the start<|endoftext|>
>married five years\n>four years ago we bought a house Py together>wife and I are in our early 30s, neighbor is 26\n>a year later neighbor gets pregnant\n>whoopsie\n>she doesn't want an abortion, says she will keep quiet and raise the child>she has a good job and her family has money so I trust her on this>she has the kid, a boy, kind of looks like me (gee I wonder why)>wife tells me neighbor has a baby\n>wife goes and meets neighbor and baby\n>wife becomes friends with neighbor and spends time with baby>we babysit when neighbor has to work late or spend time with friends>wife starts getting baby envy, wants one of her own now>\"our baby can grow up with Anonette's baby and they can play together!\">two years ago wife gets preggo\n>it's a girl >wife and I spend an increasing amount of time with neighbor lady and my son>wife encourages me to spend time with the boy because \"he needs a father figure\u201d>we babysit for neighbor, she babysits for us\n>neighbor tells me that if wife ever leaves me she will be there for me (still fucking her)<|endoftext|>
 (>) r/greentext<|endoftext|>
>skinny white guy comes to wendy's >orders a bunch of large chocolate milkshakes and one small white one>he has his head down the whole time he orders\n>stays like this the whole time his order is prepared\n>hand him the shakes >\"have a nice day!\" >y-you too >see him shuffle over to a corner booth >he encircles the vanilla milkshakes with the chocolate ones>takes a picture >couple of minutes later he starts laughing to himself\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>playing vidya\n>press Quick Play\n>wait 8+ minutes to even join a lobby>only one person in lobby other than me>person leaves as soon as I join\n>disconnect from lobby\n>tfw\n<|endoftext|>
>think about moving arm >just moved matter using nothing but my mind<|endoftext|>
>Mr. Ford here's your costume\n>FUCK YOUR COSTUME I'M DOING THIS LIKE I AM >boomer takes his son to the anime convention\n<|endoftext|>
>be 23 >marry hot chick cougar who's husband died>rebound sex was cray >she has daughter my age >my single dad thinks my wife's daughter is a fox>wtfdad.jpg >they date for a few months and get married.>my stepdaughter is now my stepmother\n>my father is my son in law. >wtf.exe >have kid with cougar wife >dad has kid with my stepdaughter >my baby became a brother in law to dad\n>my baby is now my uncle >my dad's kid is my sister and my stepdaughters baby thus my grandchild>my wife is my step-mothers mother who is now a grandma to my new half-sibling>I am married to my grandma >I am my own grandpa.\n<|endoftext|>
>start talking to girl for first time in years>tell my friend\n>he stalks her or something and gets a job where she works>plays it off as a coincidence >he gets angry at me for still talking to her\n>turns out he thought she'd just as easily go for him because we're both pretty low value men>he starts giving me the whole \"supreme gentleman\" shit and saying girls never want nice guys like him<|endoftext|>
>Georgia? Thats a state nota country its capital is Atlanta bro>Turkey? Thats a bird not a country its origin is America bro>Hungary? No, I just ate <|endoftext|>
>Playing Wow >Someone puts up item worth 14k (During Cata) for auto price>Get it >Receive a message from them immediately stating that they'd clearly made a mistake and>Message them if they mail my 100 gold for my trouble because the situation is extremely>100 gold in my mail 10 seconds later, block them\n<|endoftext|>
>get home and there's gifts on the table >birthday yesterday\n>have to work 12-9pm >be meat clerk and it's a big sale day so it's gonna be busy >mom sys she didnt get anything for birthday because too old for kid stuff like that turning 19>go to work >get yelled at buy customers because new manager didn't order the thing that is on sale\n>be in bad mood until lunch >buy $5 scratcher >win $150.jpg >now in good mood >come back from lunch and co worker bought a tiny cupcake to share from bakery\n>now in better mood >finish cleaning and setting up for tomorrow early so head home >deathgrips shirt and a collecters hp lovecraft book\n>have one of the best birthdays in a long time\n<|endoftext|>
>be me, 17 >just got license >home alone, want McD's >Drive in my Mom's minivan >4chan has been daily browsing for me at this point>drive through >\"Yeah, uhm, can I get a 10 pc of some chicken tendies?\">whatthefuckdidljustsay.exe has been executed>this motherfucker says \"sure anon\u201d\n>oneofus.jpg >drive to window, embarrassed af\n>guy is 20 something, says \"you seem chill\" and passes me note with his>dm him >now best friends.\n<|endoftext|>
> It\u2019s finally time > Tie noose around neck > Kick stool > Fuck up and don\u2019t snap neck\n> Painful but I finally go under\n> Wake up > In wooden wagon with some other guys in it> Hands tied > \u201cYou're finally awake <|endoftext|>
>fixing notebook for a ~70 years old lady>comes, pays, asks about gaming tier GPUs for her desktop>little took back I inquire about the price range and what games,>nope, I play the Assasin >Assassin's creed? >yes, on my grandsons console, I just love Venice>she pauses >and killing people <|endoftext|>
>dates a girl for 3 months >she's really cool, we have similar >finally going to have sex with her >unzip my pants >w-what? >\"It's like a third arm. I don't have room for that.\"\n>she leaves my apartment >we text later, says she had an ex that tore her vag with her dick>apparently, he was \"big\" but still not as \"big\" as me (I'm a little over 7 and a half inches, about 6>now she's afraid of large dicks >she apologizes and says we aren't compatible\n>we agree to break up >feelsbadman >over the next two days, get texts from three of her friends and her cousin (all female) to hookup>feelsbetterman\n<|endoftext|>
> Guys who post 4chan > Guys who post on reddit > Guys who post on instagram\n> Guys who post on linkedin > Guys who post on twitter\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>get sick\n>decide to eat\n>mfw I got even more sick from eating>mfw i got even more sick from not eating<|endoftext|>
>Be at Swedish ship cruise >haven't defecated in a week week >shit at least three giant python in the toilet\n>try to flush >not working.jpg >panic > try to flush again but shit doesn't flush\n>look for a cleaner lady in the hallway\n>Swedish is really bad so grab the hand of cleaner, and take her to the bathroom\n>try to flush and say \"titta\"(watch in english) while push flush button >shit goes quite normally away to sewer <|endoftext|>
>why yes, i spend 20% of my allowance on reddit gold awards to let people know<|endoftext|>
>never ask anyone out\n>never get rejected\n>basically irresistible haha who's the chad now<|endoftext|>
>ex-classmate creates a messenger group>adds me and other classmates in it>another classmate asks what this >have the sudden inexplicable urge >\"One word, PARTY!\" >decide not to in the last moment\n>classmate that texts >its for another classmate's mother's funeral\n>tfw I almost called a burial a party\n<|endoftext|>
>Steve Harvey: \"We asked 100 people,>Contestant: \"The >SH: \"A WUH... HUH??\" >audience erupts into laughter >Steve Harvey grabs onto podium to support himself>laughter gets even louder >SH: \"O lordy...\u201d >one man goes into cardiac arrest and many others begin vomiting profusely from>SH: \"YOU PEOPLE NEED HELP\" >the Earth shatters and Satan rises from the underworld to claim unworthy souls>the universe begins rapidly closing in on itself>SH: (putting on a weary voice) \"Survey says...\">the board shows 100 for \"penis\" >Harvey is able to get off one more shocked look before existence as we know it comes<|endoftext|>
>be me >on vacation in France with family >we can hear the staff belittling us for being tourists >grandpa leans into my ear and tells me to play >slowly starts speaking in a more southern accent >by the time the check comes he is completely >end of the meal comes >he tucks the table cloth into his pants and gets up >naturally all the plates and glasses break >everyone turns and looks >grandpa runs out of the fucking restaurant >fly back to America before we get in legal trouble <|endoftext|>
>weird fucking dream i had:\n>chilling in my room\n>look through my window on second floor>see three elderly women passing by on the road>one of them looks at my window\n>oh shit they saw me\n>she takes a TV temote control and points it towards my window.>window turns black\n>bitch just turned off my window\n>wake up angry\n>what?? <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>23 year old male\n>poo fetish\n>usally order the goods from websites specialised for this>moved to detroit recently >couldnt take the poo with me\n>ordered new poo online\n>package didnt arrive\n>ask ups they say it has been delivered\n>wtf?\n>check security cammera\n>some porch pirate stole the fucking package\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
> How dol get an Italian MILF gf? <|endoftext|>
>gf praises me for being smart  I ff 4. >I flunked out of art school while she = >gf tells me! am so tall>lam 5'7\", she is 5'6\"\n>gf tells me I am a natural leader\n>I am shy and quiet\n>gf wishes she was athletic like me\n>I am a shut nerd What is she doing? I don't understand what she>my gf is being nice to me\n>what is her endgame?\n<|endoftext|>
>am fully vaccinated >still wear a mask in public because it triggers antimaskers into>I'm free to wear a mask and that freedom makes them seeth.<|endoftext|>
>go to iFunny >post a green text >get called a Reddit user\n>get called a normie <|endoftext|>
>read provided course math textbook>be hopelessly confused, not even begin to understand>go to 2 hr class, lose track in 5 >go home and copy paste >understand how to do it in 5 minutes <|endoftext|>
>get covid\n>getting worse over 2 week period\n>come to terms with my death\n>decide to crack open my gamer girl pee and take a sip, because>sense of smell and taste come >gulp down the whole bottle\n>feel super tired, fall asleep\n>wake up, 100% cured <|endoftext|>
>tfw red dead redemption 2 made me realize that there's no hiding from civilization since it's>tfw can't even really homestead today bc of stupid laws>can't even properly explore anything anymore because there isn't anything still left to explore<|endoftext|>
> Me about a week ago > Feeling depressed, tell a story > Next morning, see my fucking greentext at the > Has like 5k karma, and all the comments are > You faggots are probably reading this on <|endoftext|>
>i go almost daily to buy kebab from the same place (close both to my>There is this underpaid and = overworked arab guy that makes the>He always packs my kebab with more meat than usual>He also knows how i like it, big and spicy with all the sauces and a diet pepsi>He gets verry happy when he sees me and he calls me ,Doss,, and ,,brother,,>Today i was sad af but the ,,hello boss, the usual?\" Made me feel better>Kebab heals people <|endoftext|>
>be me >sad depressed >suicidal thoughts >dad notices >thinks it\u2019s because of my siblings >takes me to the planetarium every other >falls asleep every time because he\u2019s working 12h a day >he always takes me >still alive >thanks dad\n<|endoftext|>
>19 >talking to girl who does onlyfans >sucks dick for money >wanna get my first blowjob >we smoke weed and talk for a bit\n>I start to pull out the money and she stops me\n>\"You're just so nice Anon, I wanna be friends with you, so sucking your dick feels wrong.\"<|endoftext|>
>be me >dispatch manager for a small company>bunch of 18 year olds start working in the shipping dept>start using the most current memes, yet, ligma etc, just general shit from>kids get really into it >everything is a meme to them >boss walks into the dispatch room just as I chuck some packing tape to>boss takes one look at me and says \"looks like you've got a case of updog\">one of the kids replies \"what's up dog?\">MFW my boss is the biggest memer in the office<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>24yo femanon\n>snort heroin >wake up in hospital\n>meet male nurse\n>he's super cute\n>possiblebf.jpeg\n>suck him off in the bathroom >ask him on a date >\"no offence anon but I'm not going to date a junkie who sucks off men in bathrooms\">mfw <|endoftext|>
>be me >insecure about penis\n>compared to porn its like 1/10th of the hammers they sling>fast forward >watch Jackass Movie\n>see Steve-O's Penis\n>literally like mine\n>suddenly feel secure about my penis\n>all because I saw Steve-O's penis Yeah dude<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Uni student depressed\n>Walking to nearby liquor store to numb the pain\n>Tourist trap store on the way >Sells tacky souvenirs and whatnot >Go in on a whim >Postcard is like fucking 25 cents >Buy one >Wake up next morning with hangover >See postcard >Look up online how to fill it out because who the fuck knows how to fill out a postcard in current>Fill it out >Send to mom and dad >Just like two banal sentences about how I'm doing ok (a lie) and how I hope they are taking>Like 5 days later >Mom calls me to say how much getting that postcard meant to them>Says it made their entire week >Don't drink myself to sleep that night for the first time in a long time<|endoftext|>
>be me >be11 > in car with family heading home from county fair> dad wants dinner > mom hands me the phone book and tells me to look up the number for the place dad> for whatever fucking reason I hear \"get rid of this\"> roll down the window and chunk the phone book as we're going 80 on the<|endoftext|>
>be 20 >heard you can fuck watermelons\n>buys personal watermeion >cuts a round hole >starts fucking watermelon >took like 40mins >not much better than fapping >felt shame >buried melon in a shallow grave\n>come summer time melons grew in the backyard\n>family eats them >\"you don't want any melon anon?\u201d\n>no <|endoftext|>
>be me >surgeon >35 hour operation >do it perfectly with no mistakes everyone thanks god<|endoftext|>
>At work >Known at work as the guy who collects lighters>Coworker gives me a lighter he found>\"Aw nice, thanks bro.\" >Opinion of that person went up in >Think about it later that day >Realize I'm a \u2018collect x amount of y\" npc\n>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>psychiatrist asks what I enjoy >tell him I like doing \"image edits\" >I tell him I do and that they're used by other >he gets really interested and asks to see >show him over 100 original pepe edits >he says he's seen the character before >next session >him and 2 other psychiatrists are in the room, says >they ask more about my memes >show them my greentexts which were reposted by >show them my original memes that have \"know >they're recording me and taking notes the whole >get uncomfortable and don't book a follow-up >doctor has offered to cover all further sessions <|endoftext|>
>be me >in school in 2nd grade, brother in 4th and sister in Kindergarten>getting out of school and looking for mom, see dad standing at the curb instead>fucking tits, dad is always at work, this is a Wednesday\n>asks my brother where he wants to go, Shawn says ICE CREAM MOTHER FUCKER>we get ice cream\n>asks me where I want to go\n>I saw the park\n>go to the park for a couple hours\n>asks my sister where she wants to go. We coached her at the park and she says \"PIZZA\" at our local place>get pizza, all of us freaking out, it's past 8 by this time\n>after dinner takes us to get ice cream AGAIN\n>we get home, he puts us right to bed, tucks us in and when we asked where mommy is he said \"She's not here kiddo, go>wake up next day at 10, we all freaking panic, missed school\n>dad sits us down, tells us the bad news. Mom won't be coming home. Mom is dead. In my teens find out suicide.>world is ruined <|endoftext|>
>Walking around town late at night >Reach a guy sitting on the sidewalk, he asks me for money>\"Sorry man, I don't have any money.\u201d >\"I have a knife.\u201d >\"Nah, that's okay man, I don't need a knife\u201d >Walk away, don't realize I was getting robbed until later that night\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>traveling to Earth to annihilate the human race>see earth\n>fire up the death ray\n>get hit by a fucking tesla roadster traveling at fucking mach speed playing david>completely destroys my ship and kills my entire crew>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>older sister calls me\n>older sister constantly cries about being fucked and dumped by chads on dating>younger sister calls me\n>younger sister constantly vents to me >mom calls me >mom constantly cries to me about my dad\n>when I tell them \u201cyou are being annoying\u2019 they start crying harder and blaming me for being a horrible person>suddenly I am the bad guy >dad calls me\n>dad is the only one that asks me how I am doing\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>Be with girlfriend\n>Girlfriend cheats on me\n>I break up\n>She goes with the guy who\n>A few weeks passes\n>I stalk the guy a little\n>Realize he's a drug dealer\n>Realize he's not very smart\n>Make a folder with all the proofs\n>Send the folder to the police by mail\n>Local narcotic team thank me\n>They do their job\n>Ex gf and drug dealer are both in jail right now <|endoftext|>
>Girlfriend of 4 years leaves me last week>She moved out while I was at work>Her desk is completely empty\n>I sit down and browse the internet for a bit\n>Looking at random funny videos\n>Hours pass\n>Find one funny video I can't stop laughing at\n>\"Hey you have to see th-\"\n>Turn to see an empty desk beside mine <|endoftext|>
>download video game for free\n>default search engine changes\n<|endoftext|>
>Get chased by group of men in suits>I run\n>Really hard to outrun them but I >I get tired and they keep inching >Oh_fuck.wmv >Get idea >I shave my head >Instant speed boost because of aerodynamics\n>Distance gets greater >They start screaming >\"You can't keep running away, some day we tax collectors catch you!\"<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>have a giant crush on this girl <> I've known for 4 years but she's>host a party but he was busy and\n>she was too drunk after party to drive and asked to stay over>found out she had been having relationship issues and wanted to cheat on him>refused\n>she gave me a sad look and feel asleep <|endoftext|>
>Be me in army\n>mandatory in my shitty country\n>first time we noob soldiers fire our guns>drill instructor yells \"are you ready?\"\n>i yell back \"ai ai captain\"\n>random guy two rows away yells \"i cant hear you\"\n>drill instructor mad and tries to find out who mocked him>i yell again \"OOOOO0000\"\n>random guy shots a rock 10 meters in front of him from laughter ( the target was 300 meter away)>dust rises up and one general runs and screams at drill instructor>we march back to camp 10 kilometers instead of driving>i am attending the \"i cant hear you\" guy wedding next week<|endoftext|>
>be american\n>get sick\n>go backrupt <|endoftext|>
>teacher caught him searching gun ammunition in school and contacted>mom later sent him a text with \u201clol\u201d and told him not to get caught next time>few days later teacher catches him drawing pictures of a gun and bullet with \u201cmy life is shit\u201d and \u201ckill>contacted his parents again\n>they downplayed it and wanted him to go back to class>later on that day his dad sent him a text \u201cplease don't do it\u201d after discovering his gun was missing<|endoftext|>
>be me >18 years old no gf or real social life or job>heavily depressed >realise I don't have any money for >ask my dad if I can work with him to earn a bit of money>dad works as a carpenter >tells me I can work with him for the week and he would pay me on Friday>start working on Monday through to Friday\n>probably the hardest I've ever worked >end of the week rolls by and I'm in the van with my dad>he gives me the money and starts talking >\"I'm proud of you anon, you showing initiative and asking to work with me made me happier than I can<|endoftext|>
>wow you're so much bigger than my exes Literally turned 360 degrees and walked right out of the<|endoftext|>
>be me\n> mentor recently died, I therefore inherited his status as doctor> 7th century idk\n> walk past the farms on my way to the castle> male is sick, has a big fleshy orb on his back\n> *notices buldge* 6>0 what's this?\n> \"please cure my husband, he's become ill\"\n>no clue wtf he has\n> sure.carvedstone\n> poke with doctors stick\n> buldge bursts\n> whitish cream bursts everywhere\n> looks like spider blood\n> smells like spider blood\n> tastes like spider blood\n> declare farmer possessed by spider\n> burned alive at the stake\n> king pays me godly for preventing spider disease from spreading> feelsgoodman\n<|endoftext|>
>start mission >drive from point A to point B >kill X amount of NPC's on point B\n>drive from point B to point C  fe] >mission complete>most profitable video game in history <|endoftext|>
>Be playing vidya\n>Enter co op game\n>Black guy has joined\n>He's new to the game\n>Doesn't realise his mic is on and is recording the whole room.>He doesn't know how to heal. >I heal him for him\n>\"Thank you!\"\n>\"That's so nice\"\n>Later in the game I get downed\n>\"I'm coming my nigga\"\n>Comes to my rescue\n>\"I got you bro\"\n>Finish the mission\n>\"Yo G you're ma real nigga. Respect\" Mfw feels good man<|endoftext|>
>6'8 German guy works out at my LA >Looks like techno viking >Hit max effort leg day this morning >Comes up to me and says \"JA LOOKING BIG TODAY MY FRIEND\" and gives me a thumbs up<|endoftext|>
>legal >weed is legal >prostitution is de facto legal >no prison labor or private prisons <|endoftext|>
>be me 16\n>have a gf of two years\n>always have been self conscious of her cheating>she doesn't suspect a thing\n>eventually convince to trade nudes\n>she loves it and sends pics of her ass/tits\n>she tells me about how she would go behind her boyfriends back and fuck me>still going on\n>i don't know if i should tell her or keep going>tfw my gf is cheating on me with me\n<|endoftext|>
>be United States >have mass shootings back to back>not the only country whose citizens have guns>am the only country without > also the cost of living is through >rapid inflation >stagnant wages >out of touch boomers kept in congress >watch people blame the guns again >roll out some bullshit policies that will never pass congress to make people happy>everyone argues over 2nd amendment and blames the conservatives>they'll riot across the country for one man dying but not for basic living standards>won't riot over dead children either >nobody argues about healthcare, cost of living, or congress term limits>another successful day completely avoiding the real issues<|endoftext|>
>be me >sit in class >remember one time in kindergarten when a girl took a>find that memory really fucking >burst out laughing >teacher gets pissed >asks what so funny >silence. Jpg >say that I thought about a mole >teacher looks at me like I'm retarded >mfw when I actually begin thinking about moles now>remember moles are blind and probably bump into each other all the time>begin laughing again >get detention\n<|endoftext|>
>Be about 6 yrs ago >Meet a gril on FB >Few months into it >Baby momma tells her its all on me>I say alright take the child and move back in with family\n>Raise the child for 4 years on my own with no help from her mother>My family helps out here and there >Finally save up enough to get a place for us and pay rent a year in advance>We move into a one bedroom >She gets the bedroom I sleep on the pullout >She is 5 now her bday\n>Ive worked and christm>pic related its last xm:\n<|endoftext|>
>overweight beta loser >decide to fuck it all and get my life in control>get new clothes >go to the gym >sweat dripping off me >can't feel my legs >a couple of chads walk by >hear one of them say to the other\n>\"What a fat loser\" >He's technically right >I am losing a lot of fat <|endoftext|>
>have ex-bf >was really the nicest guy I've ever met, and took me this long to>look him up for the first time in eight years >he's now with a girl, and traveling to all the places he and I talked about traveling>she's 12 years younger than him >break up with a guy >he moves on and finds someone else\n>\"why do men do this?\" <|endoftext|>
>download rom >cmd opens up >several lines of code are inputted at FTL speeds\n>several error messages appear >screen flickers >pc locks up and ransomware screen appears\n>screen flickers and everything goes back to normal\n>custom error message appears >\"just kidding :)\" >game launches and runs normally\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Few weeks ago >Go to Apple store to get battery replaced >Spend an hour and thirty minutes walking around, come back>They tell me the phone is missing some parts, so the battery is unreplaceable>Next day >Go to shitty PcFix, feces everywhere, legit the most dingiest fucking place alive>ask to get battery replaced > He goes in the back for fifteen to thirty minutes\n>Comes back, battery health is replaced and 100% capacity.>Ask if any parts were missing, they weren't. >Pay the 60$ and walk out <|endoftext|>
>be me >Watching Netflix health documentary\n>\"haha fat people\" >They're filming fatties in the street\n>\"hey, I have that shirt\" >\"hey, I have those cargo shorts\"\n>\"hey, I know that building\" >mfw 1 Reply I View Thread<|endoftext|>
> study a foreign language in secret> study really hard for a couple of years, vocabulary, grammar, the> hide all of your resources for the target language> talk with native speakers using an alternate skype / discord but never tell them about your life> become a master of this language\n> one day, go to public place like grocery store\n> pretend to slip / fall / feint\n> when you come to, only speak in your target language and act like you don't understand english<|endoftext|>
>be me >Police court >Need to go to a hearing, look at a fine of \u20ac500\n>Get lawyer >Brings fine down to \u20ac200 >Billed \u20ac600 by lawyer <|endoftext|>
>be me, 7yo\n>math class\n>\"alright class, can you solve 25-20 on>raise hand >\"it's -5 I\" >teacher looks at me awkwardly\n>\"w-well yes but you are not supposed to know that\"\n>wat\n>\"see class, you can't substract a number if the first number in the operation is greater than the second>WAT\n>\"but teach whenever I watch the weather report, when it's cold we see negative numbers !\" (i'm in>\"yes but you're supposed to learn that later\"\n>\"but I know it now\"\n>\"it's just for this lesson, don't worry, just write it down\">\"why would I write something false ?\"\n>start throwing a tantrum because even tho i'm right, i'm also fucking seven>get a note in my notebook for bad behavior\n>parents confiscate my pokemon cards\n>can't make a stance for myself because I can't argue without crying>alright class, can you solve 25-20 ?\n>it's -5 ! <|endoftext|>
>be depressed, suicidal xanax- addicted incel>one day I go to my /aq/fag uncle's house for some shit>he has pet shrimp, never seen anything like it before>he offers to get me some\n>throw them in a barely cycled tank with some shitty rock>several shrimp die >realize that I killed them with my apathy >realize I need to take responsibility for once in my life>do research, learn about water parameters and soon>eventually I have a beautiful planted tank with no more deaths>notice a female shrimp carrying eggs >haven't felt this excited about anything in almost a decade>the eggs disappear and I once again think I fucked up>a few days later I see a tiny transparent baby shrimp>I suddenly know how the shepherds felt as they gazed upon the newborn Christ>by this point I live and breathe shrimp >all my spare time is spent on shrimp research and watching shrimp videos>I spend most of the money I had saved from my last job on shrimp products>quit the Xanax to support shrimp spending\n>start putting effort into college in hope of getting a good job for my shrimp>grades improve, no longer facing the prospect of dropping out>relationship with parents improves since I am finally passionate about something and applying>I see genuine happiness in their eyes when I talk excitedly about my shrimp>for my birthday my mom makes me a shrimp cake>it even has fondant legs and little chocolate eggs\n>cry like a little bitch when I see it >mom hugs me and tells me she's always been proud of me>college dorm neighbours demand to see my shrimp>shit they're gonna think I'm autistic >they actually think my shrimp are really cool\n>they start inviting me to their social events\n>start interacting with girls, get told by girls for the first time in my life that I'm fun and smart>I think my shrimp would be proud of me if they knew<|endoftext|>
>be me >Tuesday at school >it\u2019s 5th period and I\u2019m bored as >turn to my friend and say \u201cdon\u2019t >next day I get called into the >start talking about how they think I\u2019m dangerous >mfw May 2nd is a fucking sunday <|endoftext|>
>be me FEE Ge >4th grade eee? \u00a7=>New Class so we're all introducing>hear my classmates think of stuff like \u201cStrong >can\u2019t think of anything >imfreakingout.png >it\u2019s my turn now >now or never >\"uh..r-r-retarded richard\u201d >whole class laughs >teachers gets mad and sends me to the principal >suspended for a week for ableist language >mfw when i return and the whole class likes me <|endoftext|>
>Be THC oil cartridge >Very popular among teens as it - a gets you extremely stoned and>Kids are retarded and buy cheap cartridges from chinese Instagram>Kids start getting sick by vaping low quality THC cartridges with dangerous ingredients>Big tobacco uses this as an opportunity to demonize all vapes, including nicotine vapes>boomers eat it up without question\n>Trump is set to ban vaping flavored nicotine juice>Cigarettes are still okay though Boomers are retarded.<|endoftext|>
>Call someone a faggot\n>At worst they call you a faggot back>That's that Reddit>Call someone a faggot\n>\"I thought that in this day and age we wouldn't have to deal with homophobia my>You have been banned fro r/whatever please suck our dicks to come back<|endoftext|>
>love having pressure on top of me\n>buy a weighted blanket so I can have something snug and warm lay>do more research >find out weighted blankets are made for autistic kids<|endoftext|>
>be office lunch >coworkers are (for some reason) talking about how many sexual>despite being the quiet incel type, I've actually had 8 girls in my entire>so mention that I've slept with 8 people while getting something from the fridge>one coworker: \"escorts don't count, silly.\u201d everyone snickers>me (taking slight offense): \"your cousins don't count either, cheryl\">for some reason, I'm the one who gets in trouble <|endoftext|>
>Me at college\n>Be at library. Looking for some >See a girl sitting at a random table >She's fucking adorable. Dark hair, mesmerizing green eyes>not the most confided guy but think Fuck it. I'll try\n>walk up to her and say a cheesy pick up line\n>doesn't respond >\"Excuse me?\" >She notices me and looks up at me >does something in sign language >Turns out she's deaf >excuse myself and turn around defeated. Way to embarrased to keep the conversation going>stop myself half way out the library >gather up all my courage and walk back >sit down next to her and write \"You're cute. Want to go out?\" On a sticky note>she reads it and looks at me >I smile like a dumbass while she looks me over\n>she eventually nods and scribbles her number on the note>her name is Alice >we go out that Friday >we have a great time >fast forward to a few months later >we're officially dating >learn sign language for her >getting pretty good at it >the first thing I learned to sign was \"I love you\"\n>Fast forward again to yesterday >Today is the day >Me, Her mom, brother and me are sitting in the doctor's office>they gradually turn up her implant >she starts crying because she hears her mom for the first time>I remain silent >her mom and brother and talking to her, crying all the while>eventually she looks at me >I move closer to he >tell her something I wanted to say from the day I met her in the library>\"I love you. Please marry me\" <|endoftext|>
>brush teeth twice a day (from brushing once a month)>cold shower daily (used to shower once a month if that)>day 5 of nofap >eating well >job interview in an hour 30 <|endoftext|>
>dad buys 2015 Diesel Dodge Ram\n>6 months later says \"I think I'm gonna buy a new truck\">whatthefuck.jpeg\n>\"why you just got a new one\" >\"then why don't you make your 2015 last forever\"\n>says I don't understand vehicles\n>tfw he's over $70,000 in debt and doesn't understand why<|endoftext|>
>be me 3 years ago >16 years old >Not many friends. >Feel alone as hell, see everyone partying and shit and I'm sitting around>Looks at me >\"Hey anon! Your a funny dude, how about you join us\u201d\n>Heart skips a beat, this is all I have ever wanted. >We go out eat some chipolte, go too Walmart and fuck around there. Buy like 15 king sized kit Kats for shits n>Finally they dropped me off at home >I hate home, mom is terrible. >Obvious frown >Friendo looks at me \"hey.. we'll see you around anon. You fit right in.>Smiled and nodded >Walked inside room and cried happiness cry.\n<|endoftext|>
>asks me to buy a christmas tree >we go buy a nice one\n>carry it around like a slave\n>mom is happy\n>feelsgoodman\n>i lift it into the house\n>my dad says hes not feeling well\n>COLLAPSES\n>WTF\n>mom panics\n>dad just laying there knocked out\n>we put him in a safe position quickly\n>my heart is racing\n>i decide to LIFT him up and carry him to the couch\n>mom calls 911\n>im panicking too\n>figure that the hospital is not so far away\n>LIFT him back up and carry him into car\n>mom is screaming at me but i cant hear shit\n>race to hospital\n>LIFT him out of the car and carry him into ER\n>scream around like an autist >mfw they told me he had a stroke and probably would have died if it wasnt for my lifts<|endoftext|>
>almost completely unregulated  < 4 >incompatible with traffic jams & >no note>no insurance needed >no license needed you ate for breakfast this morning>probably one of the most fuel-efficient vehicles in existence, come to think of it>goes as far and as fast as you can\n>no need for parking lots, just leave it anywhere there is a secure structure you can attach it to>and even if someone does steal it, it's so inexpensive you could literally just buy another no problem>physically improves you while you use it\n>plain ol' fun\n>minimal environmental impact\n>collisions are significantly less likely to kill or even injure\n>if entire cities were designed around these the way they are with cars, everyone would be fine with it>doesn't even need seatbelts why is the automobile viewed as the ultimate symbol of<|endoftext|>
>Brother is a history teacher for kids in 5th grade\n>Told me he brought up 9/11 to his class >Said kids went instantly insane >They didn't know it was real >One kid said he thought it was just a meme <|endoftext|>
>first time in gym >my very first excercise is bench\n>next to me are some zoomers and wiggers>they snicker and say to themselves computer 24/7\">About to cry >make up some bullshit like im thristy and go to toilets so i can pack and leave>Some dude stops me and say if he can use bench >It's motherfucking Chad just like from the memes >say yea >Asks if i will spot him >o-okay >We start to talk he noticed im first timer in the gym >He teaches me lifts we talk for hour and for this whole hour it feels like im safe and protected>Mfw this chad says \"see you tomorrow okay? I have leg day and i will t each you deadilifts\"<|endoftext|>
>be me Oo >22 and poor in college>deliver food for a restaurant for a few months>sometimes people order takeout but don\u2019t >if it happens late enough in my shift I get to take it home with me>always ate the best those nights since it was free >be me now, 35+ >started calling corporate restaurants and ordering takeout about a half hour before close>always spoof the caller ID to show up as my ex wife\n>been doing it for about 3 years >never pick it up >gives me a warm fuzzy feeling knowing i gave some young person a free meal and also my ex gets black listed<|endoftext|>
> be me\n> family starving\n> decide to commit crime e > batman shows up> breaks my leg, both arms and spine > hospital bill I can't pay > mfw I have to commit crime to pay hospital bill now\n<|endoftext|>
>Dad left when I was 12yo >I'm now 36yo >Calls me every 3 months or so to ask if I want fish>If I say yes he drops by and gives me a frozen fish<|endoftext|>
>Sit between best mate and his gif in Algabre\n>She's 9/10 easily >all three good friends >hlid-test get up to go to the restroom >As I am leaving I wink at ait >Said she had to go to the restroom aswell \u201cTake her by the hand>Lead her to Men's room >Go into back stall >\u2018what did you get for number 6? <|endoftext|>
>have severe anxiety >sick of it >try cutting out caffeine for a week\n>anxiety worse >look up caffeine withdrawal >mfw its anxiety <|endoftext|>
>be in public bathroom\n>it's empty\n>I can finally take a dump\n>go to one of the stalls and ( 7 start cranking a fat shit out of>turd is 90% out of my asshole >I hear punching and grunting\n>I look under my stall and see 2 pairs of feet\n>they are beating the shit out of each other\n>suddenly hear a mirror shatter and hear one of the guys fall to the ground>bathroom is silent except for heavy breathing>feel my turd disconnecting from the mainland>fuck no fuck no fuck no\n>turd plops into water\n>echos\n>heavy breathing stops <|endoftext|>
>Have a whole week to do an assignment>Wait until the last 4 hours\n>have panic attack and total meltdown because 4 hours isn't>do it in 2 hours >get 95% on the assignment >one week to do assignment\n>wait until the last 2 hours\n<|endoftext|>
>A boy and a girl\n> my son is 12 year old 13 in December\n>I think he might be gay\n>Beg me to take him and his best friend to >Said screw it I bought tickets\n>Go to the event dumb boring concert but screw it deal with it cuz my kid and his friend are having fun.>Concert is over my kid & his friend go to the back with there VIP passes to meet the Instagram guys>Let them go by them self cuz why not\n>I'm waiting in the lobby for them\n>My kid come out crying his eyes out >My kid told me he was just so happy to finally meet him and got a chance to talk to him>On the way home both my kid & his friend are talkin & laughing in the backseat on the way home>never seen my son so happy before > I love you son no matter what gay or straight > I just want you to be happy\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>talented guitarist and pianist / >won numerous talent shows>also a big fan of the youtube channel Vsauce>one day get into an accident >I have to type with my nose\n>can no longer play instruments\n>my life passions are gone\n>feeling really depressed\n>see a new Vsauce video in my subscriptions box\n>\"Is Anything Real?\" uploaded June 3rd 2013\n>so excited to watch a new Vsauce video\n>video starts\n>\"Hey, Vsauce! Michael here! Where are your fingers?\">immediately start crying <|endoftext|>
>walking home one night  rr. >Mugger comes out of nowhere>\"Give me your wallet!\u201d >Unload my FN Five-seveN on him >Realize that I used 20 rounds of 5.7*28mm ammo <|endoftext|>
>\u00bb be me > while geen text > riffs <|endoftext|>
>Girlfriend stop hanging out with me early because she wants to go home to take a 7 >Confront her about it one day, telling her>She says she's too embarrassed about the possibility of stinking up my apartment.>Tell her just flush the minute poops hits the bowl, and there will be pretty much no smell. That the only reason>This is a huge revelation to her. She tries it out, and is amazed. Apparently I am the poop savior now.<|endoftext|>
>15 year old daughter suddently got an >decide to buy her one >she cares for it like a baby, honestly >she wants me to hold it but I don't wanna >the damn thing looks me in the face >daughter tells me it can eat all sorts of meat >what the hell >feed it a piece of steak >IT EATS IT FROM MY HAND >have been bonding with the mantis ever since <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>have a giant crush on this girl ou> I've known for 4 years but she's>host a party but he was busy and\n>she was too drunk after party to drive and asked to stay over>found out she had been having relationship issues and wanted to cheat on him>refused\n>she gave me a sad look and feel asleep <|endoftext|>
>be me, depressed and homebody\n>smoke in my room almost constantly>decide to get a bonsai tree >realize im killing this tree with my shitty choice to smoke, ignoring the irony of killing myself with my>started smoking outside >Started smoking less >Bonsy is looking great >i feel much better too >quit smoking <|endoftext|>
>Rittenhouse gets cleared of all charges\n>About to exit court room >Judge yells out from behind: >hey kid >Rittenhouse turns around >you forgot this >Tosses him his AR15 >Credits roll, Eye of the Tiger plays <|endoftext|>
> 10 years ago I was afraid to post here thinking you guys are all hackers and>now I realize you are all a bunch of faggots>welcome home you gay bitch <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>live with a girl\n>bigtiddygothgf.png\n>have been with her for 6 years now>there's one problem >every single morning and sometimes before bed she remembers my existence and wants me to>that's it\n>besides that, I have no other functions in the relationship>because of it im always stressed and think about losing her, being replaced, always worry that I no>then suddenly\n>one day she comes back home visibly depressed\n>doesn't look at me at all for a while\n>after a week she suddenly remembers that I exist, and this time it seems like she believes I>she wants to go to the bathroom for some reason>we go there, the bath is filled with hot water\n>she wants us to bathe together\n>she gets in first, then helps me climb in as well\n>suddenly drops me\n>she's immediately electrocuted\n>mfw im a toaster <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>named David\n>be depressed for the past 4 years,  I >one day while eating with my mother>think about it >My depression is my Goliath >No matter how weak and insignificant I am I will prevail my Goliath and kill it>Start feeling better about myself <|endoftext|>
>walk into class\n>your crush is tied up like this what do you do?<|endoftext|>
>go on reddit\n>make comment about something I think I'm right about>get proven wrong\n>admit that I was wrong and thank person who provided a>get downvoted anyway >this fucking site\n<|endoftext|>
>me >live in mid size city in flyover >make $15/hr (considered a good >can only get 25 hrs a week because obongocare TOKE YPC >$1500 a month before taxes, $1200>$750 goes to renttutilities for studio apartment\n>$100 goes to groceries, rice and beans, and bulk purchases only>$115 a month for phone and internet, cheapest possible>$90 or so to gas >$44 for car insurance >$101 >The American experiment has utterly failed and I hate vou all<|endoftext|>
> dad is a welder\n> really hard worker, literally works himself to death> comes home late, hardly ever see him\n> 2nd grade in primary school\n>in class\n> look at door and see my dad\n> \"excuse me, can I take anon outside to see the eclipse?\"> teacher lets me go out with my old man\n> never seen one before, super stoked, plus I'm happy to see my dad at school> he hands me a welding helmet like pic related and I look at the sun> only lasted about 10 minutes but is still a cherished memory<|endoftext|>
>7 year old cousin is over 2 >She wants to play the PS4 in my> )).8</\\\\2  >Mom tells me to \"keep the door open\"<|endoftext|>
>Sitting at the bar >feel someone tap my shoulder >turn around and see a guy standing there with this weird smile on his face>he says \"got the time?\", but he is almost >I say \"sure\" and pull out my pocket >As soon as I pull out my pocket watch the guy belts out laughing, along with a large table nearby, full of people>before I can even check the time, the guy walks away to the laughing table and loudly says \"I told you it was a>one of the girls at the table says \"Who the fuck-\" but laughs so hard she cannot speak>I look around and see that there are other people in the place looking at me and some are laughing too>put my pocket watch away and try to go back to my drinks<|endoftext|>
>it'll get better in high school >it'll get better in college >it'l\u2019 get better in university >it will get better when i have a job>ive wasted my entire fucking life, my youth is gone ive missed out<|endoftext|>
>have a crush on girl >manage to get her over to my house to watch a movie>we're both on the couch watching it>she grabs my arm and wraps it around her so we're cuddled together and she>just stay like that for a while, feels good >at some point she gets up and goes to the bathroom>when she comes back to the bathroom i look up and see she doesn't have a shirt or bra on>her titties are just... right there and she's looking right at me>brain completely freezes and i'm totally confused\n>i give her a fucking thumbs up and say nice tits then go back to watching the movie>she stands there for a few seconds then goes back to the bathroom and puts her bra and shirt<|endoftext|>
>add a chick from soc\n>she's european\n>tell her i'm russian (this was before the war) 2 ='\u00a59 >she doesn't seem to mind ie S08< Gg >we sort of hit it off>she blocks me <|endoftext|>
>uncle was dying of cancer >on hospital bed >doctors said he had 1 day left to live\n>sad, go to my room and lock the door\n>radomly decide to do a blood sacrifice by sacrificing my life for his>drew a pentagram on a piece of paper and then cut my palm with a knife and soaked the paper>prayed that my uncle gets better in exchange for my life\n>next day uncle makes a miraculous recovery <|endoftext|>
>be me, 7 >live in small desert town a few hours outside of Vegas>local diner is almost always swimming with scary looking bikers>was always scared of the big bearded >tried my best to keep my distance >one day at diner, just me and mom >mom leaves me alone to use bathroom >scared a fuck >feel massive hand grab my shoulder and nearly shit myself>\"hey kid, I noticed you looked a little scared. Everything ok?\u201d>nervously tell him I\u2019m fine and that my mom is using the bathroom>we start talking about life and I start to loosen up\n>asks me about school and what I like to do for fun\n>find out him and his gang are part of BACA (Bikers Against Child Abuse)>we talk for a little longer until my mom gets back\n>they chat a little and he walks off >as he\u2019s walking away he turns to me and says \u201cstay in school buddy\u201d and winks at me>never see him again <|endoftext|>
>new neighbors just moved right  Pa LS, im >they tell me to not use WiFi<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Few weeks ago >Go to Apple store to get battery replaced >Spend an hour and thirty minutes walking around, come back>They tell me the phone is missing some parts, so the battery is unreplaceable>Next day >Go to shitty PcFix, feces everywhere, legit the most dingiest fucking place alive>ask to get battery replaced > He goes in the back for fifteen to thirty minutes\n>Comes back, battery health is replaced and 100% capacity.>Ask if any parts were missing, they weren't. >Pay the 60$ and walk out <|endoftext|>
>don\u2019t like eye contact\n>pick up random things they find\n>make random noises <|endoftext|>
> Anti-social loser in CS masters program\n> TA'ing because I like to torture myself\n> Professors complain that too many students are getting away with cheating in the junior> Tell prof I'm TA'ing for that I bet if he pretends to be a student and shares around some private git> Made this comment last spring, forget completely.\n> Cut to today.\n> TA\u2019ing still\n> This last weekend the first capstone class had their first project due> Dreading grading that, but w/e\n> Wake up this morning\n> Email from professor\n> \"Thanks for the advice, hope you get a kick out of it.\"\n> Attached: Cheaters dot zip\n> Professor sent me a zip file containing a ton of evidence he gathered of students cheating.<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>be gay\n>came out to parents about 4 years ago>dad hasn't spoken to me since\n>at New Years party at my parents house>whole family is there and having fun\n>feelsgoodtobeincluded.wav\n>everybody has been drinking\n>because New Years\n>anyway, the clock hits 00:00 , whooooo! New Years!>my dad walks up to me and says\n>\"well, it\u2019s 2019 anon\u201d\n>I\u2019m stunned, I think he\u2019s finally come to terms with me being gay I say>\"sure is dad\u201d\n>then he says\n>\u2019and you're still a fucking faggot\u201d\n<|endoftext|>
>Gave birth to himself to kill himself as a sacrifice himself in order to<|endoftext|>
>be me, 20, never had a girlfriend/been with a girl before>decide to have a kickback at my >one of my best friends, who i've known since 7th grade is there>she's just chilling with her head in my lap, which is normal since we're pretty close>solid 7/10, always had feelings for her, just too awkward to make a move, and i figured she was>I pass my controller to one of my friends when all the sudden she pulls me down>kisses me on the cheek, and after the initial shock I kiss her back>we end up making out for a couple of minutes, and spend the rest of the night in each others arms>texts me the next day to tell me that she\u2019s had feelings for me for a long time, but she was too>I tell her the same thing <|endoftext|>
>get drunk and have sex with girl 2 years ago>that girl eventually becomes my girlfriend>everyone laughs\n>it all makes sense now\n>that day I was really drunk and she was sober\n>kept handing me drinks and eventually took me to her car and started blowing me<|endoftext|>
>hyper military based society SS >tries to convince itself it's the>loses <|endoftext|>
>gf admitted she had a foot fetish a few months ago and gets turned on>had always made fun of foot fetishists, it never once turned me>indulge her at the time because why not, doesn't hurt me>fast forward 2 months\n>get instant boners when she takes her socks off and puts her feet in my lap now<|endoftext|>
>be me >13 >social outcast with no social skills who everyone makes fun of>at a school party >everyone\u2019s dancing, I just >a stacy from my class comes up >asks me to dance with a smug look on her face\n>autism kicks in >just stand there and stare at her for a solid 5 seconds>then just turn and walk the other way as fast as I can>next day in class >overhear the girl talking with her friends >hear her say that her plan was to embarass me but got embarrassed herself for being rejected by>mfw my autism inadvertently made me look like a chad>take that stacy\n<|endoftext|>
>sitting blindfolded >woman in lab coat feeds me a Twix\n>\u201dLeft\u201d >she marks her notes >329 consecutive correct guesses\n<|endoftext|>
>*vinyl scratch sound* f \\ >YOU'RE NOW LISTENING TO Y >*car crash sound* J >102.3 /d >*elephant sound*>*explosion* >WHERE WE PLAY NOTHIN BUT ROCK, ROCK, AND MORE ROCK>*glass shattering sound*\n>*police siren*\n>THIS AIN'T YOUR GRANNY'S STATION\n>*imagine dragons - radioactive starts playing*\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >am 17 >am pretty stupid and broke so decide to sell fake>kids actually believe it's weed and buy some>mfw they fake being high and then come back to buy more>one day called up to principals office\n>there\u2019s a cop in there >they ask to search my bag >mfw all they find is oregano >mfw I say I\u2019m making pasta after school and my friend gave me some oregano he>mfw they can\u2019t do anything so they send me back to class<|endoftext|>
>go on reddit >unpopular opinion subreddit\n>give unpopular opinion\n>downvoted <|endoftext|>
>walking to convenience store to buy snacks>see random girl, about my age with a nirvana shirt on>me: \"hey whats your favorite >me\n>her >her: \"i dont know\" : \"but youre wearing the shirt\">me: \"what?\" >her:\n>me:\n>her: <|endoftext|>
>mfw I am Chad but I have psychological problems so i am<|endoftext|>
>be 56\n>got a massive humiliation fetish >go on Tinder, have my height on my profile\n>send polite messages to beautiful women\n>jack off to their responses >God tried to nerf me but failed <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>wake up\n>not obsessed with nfts\n>not transphobic\n>not a nazi  . >not a tankie>don't have twitter\n>don't worship some mediocre pop star\n>don't watch annoying shitheads on youtube\n>life is good Just dont be a dumbass anons, it\u2019s that easy.<|endoftext|>
>beme >on date > girl asks: \"oh btw, I had plastic > there's no right answer to this, I just > she insists that I say something > \"ummm, maybe you broke your nose as a child and > she says it was her ears > asks whether her nose looks bad <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>not a reddit user\n>love 4chan greentext, post almost everyday>go to check reddit greentext for\n>I recognize one of them\n>it\u2019s a greentext I posted not 30 minutes earlier on 4chan>mfw he got 1k upvotes from my content\n>mfw reddit users steal my greentexts and there\u2019s nothing I can do about it>mfw this one is gonna get stolen too <|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>9 years old\n>Going to cub scouts\n>Scout leader says \u201cToday we're gonna learn how to fold the>Stresses that \u201cLetting the flag touch the ground is a bad omen and we'll have to>Am handed the flag\n>slips out of my hand, and falls flat on the floor.\n>Scout leader assures me it\u2019s okay and we can try with another flag>We burn the flag I dropped at the end of the meeting>The next day I\u2019m in school and the teacher is told to turn the tv on to the news.>We watch as the second plane hits the World Trade Center>I think back to my scout leader saying \u201cLetting the flag touch the ground is a bad omen\u201d.<|endoftext|>
>be me >have one shot at life\n>born gay in iran mfw<|endoftext|>
>be 14 year old boy >chat with girl of my age >tells me she's into older guys\n>pretend I'm 19 >sext with her >afrange meeting >go to her house >it's chris hanson >crew goes to jail for sexting with me\n<|endoftext|>
>the year is 2022 >gamestop market cap is now >visit my local gamestop >leave my coat with the doorman and check myself in before walking into the air conditioned 2,000>immediately greeted by the sounds of Vivaldi\u2019s Spring performed by the shop's string quartet on>walk past the marble water fountains and roman pillars to the used blu-ray aisle>pick up a $3 copy of the classic Nicolas Cage film Drive Angry>guy in a tuxedo at the checkout puts on his white gloves and bags it for me while I enjoy a spoonful of>sign up for the preorder list of Kerbal Space Program 2 and leave my signature in the guestbook>bellboy carries my bag for me to the entrance and wishes me a good evening<|endoftext|>
>hit the gym a couple times a week\n>clean diet\n>1.5/2.5/3/4 >stil look fucking yoked >haven't showered in months for pheromone gains\n>succesful career\n>wear nice clothes\n>nice haircut\n>generally friendly guy with natural charisma <|endoftext|>
>Give woman testosterone\n>her rational reasoning improves <|endoftext|>
>father dies\n>he was a massive man, 7'0 ona good day>ask coroner people if I can keep his skeleton>they act like I'm a weirdo and ask >tell them I want to put his giant >they tell me it's illegal to take the body and do that>tell them they can keep the meat, and I'll bury that. I just want the skeleton>get kicked out and interviewed by a cop <|endoftext|>
>Some friends I played games with used to call me goblin due to my nose>didn't see them for about 3 years\n>started to workout since then >got really buff >saw them again yesterday >now they call me hobgoblin <|endoftext|>
>opens a can of Bud Light >gently massages protruding beer belly just ain't>begins daily ritual of zoning out to TV >puts a triple bacon cheeseburger in the >cheers as his favorite negro catches the football we had some>asks permission to go to the local sports bar, wife says no>hires Jose the illegal immigrant to mow his lawn work ethic n'>blames Jose for all his problems >dies of a heart attack at age 58\n<|endoftext|>
>be 11 year old me >Minecraft 1.0 comes out >want to get it >mom doesn't get me it at first\n>feelsbad.png >Easter rolls around >mom hands me a paper >its a username and password >mom got me an account for Easter\n>thanks mom >play minecraft all the time >make lots of memories and friends playing minecraft>fast forward to now >redownload Minecraft for the hell of it\n>look around for paper with username and password>find it >username is my name spelled backwards\n>lol >password... >\"lovemom'\" >love you mom\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me. Super horny middle school boy\n>Searching for anal porn, found some where a girl used a toy on a guy\u2019s . >Brightidea.exe. I'll stick something up>But what to stick in my butt? >Improvise.exe I got one of my mom's tampons. I figured I could use the string that pull it out>Stick it up there. Fire up some porn. Start jacking off. I guess I clenched my butthole. The tampon shot way up>Try to find it. Spend a solid 30 minutes with my finger up my ass>Figure I'll shit it out later. I must have shoved it deeper, then the tampon must have expanded. It formed some>After about 8-9 days the constipation is so bad that I can barely stand up>Parents take me to the emergency. They do an x-ray and see a blockage. The doctor asks what it is. I say that>He tries to get it out with me lying on my side, while a nurse is pulling one knee up to my chest. No luck.>He has me get in the face down ass up position, tells me that the lube is making the tampon slippery, and rams>My parents were in the room the whole time.\n>The orgasm was average <|endoftext|>
>be me >right now >toasting toaster stroodles at 12 am> >not toasting toaster stroodles at 12 am\n>why live\n<|endoftext|>
>be epstein. >chilling in cell >clintons come in, forcefully cover you in oil\n>they leave >that was weird but okay, at least they didn't kill me.>the sprinkler turns on >shoot upwards and break neck on ceiling\n<|endoftext|>
>wife is Ukrainian >order her a cat tail buttplug and cat ears from Etsy\n>war starts the moment we're ready to try it >she hasn't been in the mood to try it for a whole month I'm a victim too.<|endoftext|>
>Beme >Be working at suicide hotline >Have access to donation logs >Go through them from time to time between calls>Notice a man has made a donation of $17.50 every month, same day, for a couple>Check to see if there's a note with the donations>They all read something like as follows \"To Jason, from dad. I miss you every day\">I asked about it, turns out his son killed himself when he was really young>That money is his son's allowance <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>be loser who drives a delivery van all day>work is fucking boring as fuck\n>get new puppy\n>have idea\n>I will take puppy to work with me\n>Next day put puppy in van\n>Puppy sits shotgun all day, does not piss or poop in cab\n>Take puppy to park during lunch break\n>Puppy waits patiently while I make deliveries\n>Drive home\n>Realize work was fun with my little puppy buddy\n>Have never had this much enjoyment of work\n>Thank you puppy <|endoftext|>
>be me >work as a phone salesman\n>95% of calls are old peope\n>nobody ever actually buys anything>get paid per time spent in calls\n>most old people are lonely and just want to talk>talk to old people about how they water their plants for hours>basically everyone at my job just talks to old people for 12 hours a day>even have regular callers that know us by names\n>supposed to advertise products but i actually just talk to grandma Lauren every day for 8 hours about>she appears to forget what she said, repeats the same thing 10s of times.>my job is basically to register when Lauren made a pause in her speech and say \"Very interesting,<|endoftext|>
>Finally get a brand new phone after years>Galaxy S20 Ultra >Shit costed me $1400\n>disposableincome.gif >Decide to fuck around on /b/ for >Haven't been there for a couple >Decide to start a thread on /g/ about the best new smartphones>Casually mention my new S20 Ultra >Get one reply >Some cousin-fucking junkie from Moldova with a PC older than his broke-ass country>Applefag asks why I didn't buy an iPhone\n>Fucker calls me poor >$1400 just to be called poor by some retard whose grandparents probably starved to death>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me in middle school.\n>Around 10 or 11. = >Assassin's Creed 2 comes out.>My favorite game growing up. >Wanted to be strong and cool like him. >Anyways, we're learning about European history >My state holds an educational assessment for all >Playing Assassin's Creed and this game sparks >Reading books, articles online, etc. >Just filling my head with all this info. >Day of the assessment and I'm breezing through >Month or two later and we get our results back.\n>Teacher tells the class, \"Only one person got a perfect score on this test in the whole school.\u201d>Kids say, \"Who? WHO?!\" >Everybody in the class was shocked. >Where my love for history started. <|endoftext|>
>be me, 28, suicidal\n>too pussy to kill myself\n>find out you can hire an assassin on the dark web>get onion browser >assassin costs upwards of 500 bucks\n>pay assassin 1500 to kill me\n>\"this is a very special hit for you. i want you to kill me. I will do anything to get killed by another person\u201d>1 week passes\n>get email\n>from the assassin website\n>\"we're very sorry to hear about the situation you're going through. this website is actually a sting>they refund my money and give me suicide help resources<|endoftext|>
>I find my 13 year old neighbour attractive\n>lim 25 >she's about an inch taller than me\n<|endoftext|>
>decided to bite the bullet and get a hooker>find most good looking cheapest whore near where i live>call her and we start talking >\"Y-yes i'm a virgin\" >she hangs up Nothing makes you feel more alive like being<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>friend torrents black panther, we're about to watch it>me: \"so is this actually good or just overhyped\">me: \"i bet there's basketball, rap, and slavery references within the first 2 minutes\">him: \"pfbpfptf i don't think they'd go that far man\"\n>me: \u201cno seriously i bet there is.\u201d\n>him: *awkward silence and a weird look*\n>we start the movie\n>1 minute of scifi backstory, includes a reference to slavery>followed by basketball and rap\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>retard\n>never done drugs once in my life>friends and family all think\n>boss also thinks I show up high to work>nobody believes me when I tell them I'm just fucking stupid>mfw <|endoftext|>
>be me >want steroids for quick gains >hear about female to male hormone treatment >basically pure testosterone in a pill >idea.jpg >order a few months supply <|endoftext|>
>she ifit has a penis it isnt a \u201cshe\u201d<|endoftext|>
>be girl >middle school, early 2000s\n>walking to class >see some short kid getting shoved into the locker>tiny little hispanic kid and his two goons are harrassing this kid for lunch money>is this real life >take the little hispanic kid and put him in a chicken hold>tell him if he touches this kid again I'll beat his face into the locker so hard his parents wont be able to>he calls his goons off, runs away >short kid follows me around for the rest of the school year, carrying my books and taking care of<|endoftext|>
>mom tells me about this asian kid in her school>group of people always bully him\n>kid never talked or tried to fight back\n>they continued to bully the kid for weeks\n>one day they spit gum in his hair\n>kid gets up and leaves to use bathroom and to make a phone call>fast forward to after school\n>my mom and her brother are outside talking\n>kid is getting bullied\n>van pulls up and kid laughs\n>group of asian's get out of van\n>few have baseball bat's\n>start beating on the guys in the group as the girls scream\n>few girls try and stop the asians but they get bitch slapped or elbowed in the face>mom says that her and her brother just watched with there jaws dropped>guy bullies lay on floor while girls continue to scream and cry>van drives away with the group of asians\n>asian kid never got bullied\n>yakuza 1, bullies 0 <|endoftext|>
>be me >Indian >find out about 4chan >go on a board >people are fucking racists >\"but yeah India will be a superpower by 2020\">call me a streetshitter >how offensive, my grandpa died in a streetshitting incident>years later >I ruined their internet >I did it >sweet revenge <|endoftext|>
>takes boy to motel and rapes him\n>the rapist gets caught by the cops\n>father goes to the local bars and find out when the rapist will be brought>local guy who worked for media lets >arrives at the airport and waits for cops to arrive with rapist>live TV crews also at the scene\n>cops and rapist walking through airport\n>pulls out a pistol and shoots his son's rapist straight through the head, killing him with a single shot>father literally assassinates his son's rapist on live television (pic related)>gets arrested\n>local community unanimously decides he's not guilty of any crime and is a hero>goes to court\n>judge doesn't convict him, only gets 300 hours community service>carries on and lives his life as normal, and is forever regarded as a hero<|endoftext|>
>be fat fuck\n>try water fasting for 3 days\n>tough at first but hunger begins to go , away>suddenly feel energy I've never felt before in my life>finally feel alive\n>decide to break fast with a fucking juice box>each sip felt like I was shooting up heroin <|endoftext|>
>\"Nice play Mr. Bond, however you did not announce you were almost finished, so now you are two cards<|endoftext|>
>its the year 10138 or whatever\n>people have massive space ships, laser, shielding technology and>armies fight with swords and <|endoftext|>
>work at liqour store >see obviously underage girls enter and rush to the back>hear them whispering and discussing what to get\n>they grab heaven hill vodka >they try and check out and I ask for I'd >they \u201clost\u201d it but one says her dad says its ok she's 22>laugh at them and tell them gtfo >same girl tells me her dad is rich blah blah >they leave and I start eating a pickle in a bag\n>drive thru bell rings >walk over and see its the same girls >they freak out one says that there should have been someone else>I stare at them eating my pickle >they speed off >good pickle <|endoftext|>
>be me >neet loser >hate myself >not good at anything >it's pizza friday >my mom makes the pizza dough, and i make the rest of it>mom usually doesn't have pizza >eat my pizza upstairs in my room >tasty.png >go downstairs for more >my mom calls me into her room >\"hey anon, i ate some of you pizza, hope you don't mind>whatever.avi >\"you make really good pizzas anon. they're the best i've ever tasted\">mom makes my bro try some of the pizza >he loves it aswell >mfw i'm actually OK at something <|endoftext|>
>skittles make \"pride skittles\" by removing the colored ones>whites only >it literally says SS on the candy <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>friend invites me out for drinks >I have work in the morning\n>fuck it\n>get plastered >still very drunk >herewego.png\n>somehow make it to work in one piece\n>\u201d\u2019Hey annon what's up?\u201d\n>\"good and you?\u201d\n>awkward silence\n>suddenly have a bright idea\n>decide to power nap in storage closet to sober up\n>set alarm on phone for 30 minutes\n>wake up 10 hours later, hungover\n>slept through my alarm\n>shit.jpeg\n>think I\u2019m gonna be fired\n>fuck it, time to go home\n>boss sees me on the way out\n>\"Wow anon, you look beat. Thanks for staying late today. I appreciate it\u201d>talks to me about a possible promotion\n>mfw work is easy <|endoftext|>
>cant touch : >cant sit there with your dick out . >Just have to stare awkwardly as<|endoftext|>
>Lived just long enough to not have Boris Johnson speak at her funeral<|endoftext|>
> Be year 2040, women rule the world> Rihanna is their leader > Be stuck in concentration camp for men> Rihanna killing all the dudes because they found a way to reproduce without> Group of us overpower gaurdesses > Be running > Get surrounded > all of asudden a masked hero appears, with his schlong flapping in the wind> beats up all the women > sets all the dudes free > much wow, many thanks > takes mask off > mfw it was Chris Brown <|endoftext|>
>Hate fast food _ >Not even American BURG >But the cute redhead working the>Hey, without tomatoes as usual? >Yeah, cus\u2019 you're the only red thing i'd need on my burger heh!<|endoftext|>
>Maxed out my weights (unrelated) >Go to Dick's Sporting Goods >Grab a 45lb plate in each hand, head to check out\n>Cashier is 8/10 petite in a pink t-shirt >Plates make a satisfying thud as I lay them on the counter\n>She mirin' >I feel like a bear >I realize I am bear >Maul the cashier >Hibernate for the winter <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>college loser\n>in a math-heavy program\n>have exam coming up\n>barely study >exam time comes, get 16% >not a typo, I somehow got 16%\n>prof has a policy where he'll change how exams are written if class average is under 65%>announces that the majority of the class passed but due to a few outliers, the class average was 64.2 and>realize I'm a fucking hero\n>smoke weed and eat churros <|endoftext|>
>Be Me >Mom and Dad both love me because I'm an only child>Were barely above the poverty line >Christmas comes >Mom buys me brand new airpods >150$ >Thank her and nearly cry >I knew they couldn't afford this >Take them back to the store they bought them at for a full cash refund>Take the cash and sneak into my parents room\n>Grab my dads wallet with the cash in hand\n>Mom walks in >She sees >Starts yelling at me >I begin to cry >Tell her its the money from the airpods >Tell her that I felt guilty knowing that these cost so much>Tell her I was putting the money into the wallet\n>We both cry for about an hour\n<|endoftext|>
>think about moving arm\n>moves arm >just moved matter using nothing but my mind>have panic attack\n<|endoftext|>
>$100 an hour to go to a therapist\n>$0 to just tell yourself \"it is what it is\" <|endoftext|>
>finish putting up my \"We Don't >fall off ladder on my way down  , > my wife runs out in a panic>she knows what I must do and hands me my >I'm sorry Angela >wife runs back inside with tears rolling down her >tell my children to go in the house >\"We don't dial 911\" I sob as I put the barrel in my > God Bless America <|endoftext|>
>be me, 17f and in treatmen and recovery from rape>walking through petco to pick up crickets for my friends pet lizard <a >lock eyes with this cat in the>she presses her paw up to the >cryinginpublic.jpg >I impulsively adopt her >two months later, sucidal thoughts almost nonexistent and able to talk to strangers again>cat is my best friend, she never leaves my side when I\u2019m home and encourages me to get out of<|endoftext|>
>feel bad for a lonely guy in my class>invite him toa cosplay event\n>he shows up dressed as Fred Flintstone in blackface<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>Be audiophile\n>Spend 5 hours trying to find new song in lossless format>Can't buy since out 100 000 on equipment>It is .exe file but whatever >Spend next 5 hours tuning my setup for R&B\n>Finally listen to song\n>Hear that the power company turbine is slightly off it's magnetic field>Makes slight hiss in my headphones\n>Instantly shit and throw up over myself\n>Be safe out there fellow audiophiles <|endoftext|>
>have cute cardiobunny neighbour\n>she asks me if we can go running together>women running outside have <|endoftext|>
>when I was 9 I went to Vegas\n>we were at a hotel I can't remember which one and getting>I hear a burley voice ask to hold the door>I look up >John fucking Goodman is standing there in a nice suit fairly tipsy>my parents are in awe same as me >I said \"you're the guy from the Flintstones!\" >he yells \" oh boy are you right! yabadabadoo!\" asks my dad to hold his cigar and picks me up>points down at my shirt and says \"whats that?\" and then flicks my nose>I was laughing and he chuckled and said \"good kid you got here\">he put me down reaches in his pocket, pulls out a money clip and gave my parents a couple hundred>we walk out of the elevator and look back and he points a finger gun at me and clicks his tongue,>totally awesome dude 10/10 celebrity >I will never not be a fan\n<|endoftext|>
>Been jacking off to increasingly weird shit as of late>piss drinking >prostate orgasms >arm pit licking >femdom cum eating >randomly get the urge to watch two cute girls in bikinis kissing>blow the biggest load of the last six months <|endoftext|>
>working at McDonald's\n>kid with his mom brings in orange and green toy gun>joke around with him \"Oh are you a soilder?\">kid looks up at me >kids are absolute fucking assholes >salt the shit of his fries and hamburger >enjoy that you little prick\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >uni >spot a super cute girl working the salad bar in the commons Mm >drop dead gorgeous, deep brown eyes>even with COVID masks I could tell she >chat her up >she had a brace around her index finger, I find out she got mauled by a squirrell trying to feed it>Imao'd with her >shuffle away with my tray of salad like a pussy >decide to approach her at the end of her shift >phone number on a paper, I approach her and shoot my shot>bf, to no one's surprise >I thank her and tell her to have a good day >feel like a retard for a moment, it really seemed she was interested>I see her from time to time working there throughout the year>I always chat up workers there, sometimes I wouldn't immediately recognize her with masks>she clearly felt bad about rejecting me, nice girl >I never felt any regrets <|endoftext|>
>Add random guy >talk trash >says he wants to fight >says he lives in Chicago >at around 3am send him to a large park about 10 minutes away>\"l'm here, where you at nigga?\u201d >\"l've been waiting here you bitch, show yourself\"\n>keep insisting that I'm there and that he's flaking on the fight>tell him to scream so that I can locate him >sends me videos of him screaming at 3 am in chicago>send him a picture of my penis and call him a faggot\n<|endoftext|>
> how fucking cool is that for someone her age<|endoftext|>
>make post criticizing google\n>next captcha shows street near my house<|endoftext|>
>be me >middle school >teacher is talking about std's >says you can only catch it by >ask the teacher >\"you can catch it by having sex anon\" >know he didn't awnser the question on purpose >flash forward to now >i now know how patient zero caught aids >mfw my teacher didn't have the heart to tell me <|endoftext|>
>84 year old grandfather tells me that he's joined a message board devoted>based on the way he speaks, he aid clearly had no idea what a message>he enjoys posting stupid, obviously false and ridiculous information just to see how people>he doesn't know the terms shitposting or trolling, so he says \"I'm jerkin' their chains!\" and scrolls down,<|endoftext|>
>17th bday\n>the bois got tired of me being a virgin>they gave a slut at our school\n>they locked us in a room together\n>i give her a hug and tell her \u201cYour better than this\u201d>she cries and gives me a peck in the cheek Crisis avoided and kept my virginity<|endoftext|>
>be 12\n>vitamin <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>indian male in uni\n> walk past a group of 3 hot blonde girls> all three of them start laughing\n>recognize one of them in my lit class\n>find her ig it says \"BLM! / LGBQT+ activist / etc\" <|endoftext|>
>first time in gym\n>my very first excercise is bench\n>next to me are some zoomers\n>they snicker and say to themselves \"This dude looks like he sits behind>About to cry\n>make up some bullshit like im thristy and go to toilets so ican pack and leave>Some dude stops me and say if he can use bench\n>It's motherfucking Chad just like from the memes\n>say yea\n>Asks if i will spot him\n>o-okay\n>We start to talk he noticed im first timer in the gym\n>He teaches me lifts we talk for hour and for this whole hour it feels like im safe and protected>Mfw this chad says \"see you tomorrow okay? I have leg day and i will t each you deadiifts\u201d<|endoftext|>
>me 25 >on the job >co worker is about 3 times my age >can literally be my grandfather (65) >really care for each other >have deep conversation >holidays come around >timetocelebrate.mkv >we have a toast and some paid days off >work place orginsed a paid worker trip to have fun >me and grandpa are sitting together on the bus >talk a bunch >he shows me pictures of his daughters (my age split >we talk about them and I talk about my family too >he throws of the younger one is single >invite me to have a Sunday bbq at his place with his >I go >most of the workers are his age im the youngest man >I arrive and he introduce me to his familiy >the younger daughter starts a conversation with me >we get along >we start dating >grandpa master plan worked out <|endoftext|>
>arguing with coworker\n>accidentally call a coworker a soyboy>he asks what it is but try to shrug it off>\"well, soy has a lot of estrogen in it, so when you drink a lot of soy milk it makes you weak and>soyboy: \"Well I see you must've been drinking a lot of soy!\">everyone laughs at me\n>try to explain I'm not a soyboy but no one listens\n>tfw my nickname at work is now \"soyboy\" <|endoftext|>
>on her deathbed >instead of thinking about her <|endoftext|>
>Be me >Have aspergers >Friends bully me about it all the time\n>Saying I'm mongolian >Saying I have retard diploma from doctor>Gonna prove them wrong with a >Notmongolian.png >Friend laughs >Says I took the wrong test\n>Should have gotten 24andme\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>Born in the year of 1993 >Mother abandoned me at birth >22 year old father abandons all his dreams to raises me alone>times are tough as fuck as he has to juggle work and me>whenever he has free time we play vidya together\n>we move from old nintendo and shit to WoW raiding and so on>helps me with school and even encourages me to study in a university>follow his advice and manage to finish uni with engineer degree>1 year ago he gets diagnosed with lung cancer\n>time goes on and it gets so bad he cant get out of the hospital bed>visit him every single day >week ago >\"Hey Anon, was I a good father?\u201d >\"You were the best, dad\" >\"Heh, thanks son\" >2 seconds later, flatline >today >finally decide to organize his stuff in his old bedroom>find a notebook >in details he wrote every day he spent with me\n>\"today me and anon went to carnival and did etc.\u2019\n>every day ends with \"I hope im doing enough for him\">last entry is before he enters the hospital >\"All these years I did what I could, I dont regret (mothers name) abandoning me and Anon and not>\"I just hope Anon has grown up to be the best he can\"<|endoftext|>
>and here is our son's room\n>opens door FRECEECEEEEFEE>closes door >he doesnt get out much <|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>Been playing red dead 2 all day everyday for a week straight>Had to actually leave the house for groceries etc (I live at college so I actually>About to walk past a guy in the street, will say the first cowboy-ish thing that comes to my head when I pass him>Approach him\n>\"Hey sexy\u201d <|endoftext|>
>Be Me\n>American\n>Internet\u2019s down == >Bored>Go Outside most gun owners are>Go back inside\n>Get stabbed by wife <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>drinking vodka and singing old Irish songs with friends>I end up passing out\n>wake up to my phone stolen and wallet empty>\"ya hey man sorry about that we were playing poker and you lost them to john ill>john calls me\n>\"hey anon do you want your shit back I know you were drunk and all\">get my money and phone back\n>mfw im a respected part of my friend group\n<|endoftext|>
>about to commit suicide\n>helium tank and gas mask assembly complete>equip mask  f >turn on tank>close eyes\n>Dad opens door\n>\"ANON WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?\">take off mask\n>prepare the most dramatic heartfelt speech I can muster>deep breath\n>forget there is helium in my lungs\n>the words \"you'll never know the pain I've been through\" come out like an Alvin and>mfw he died laughing and left <|endoftext|>
 J >first month in gym>getting used to talking with people, gym lingo, not being intimidated by people>need to take a mad shit >go to the bathroom, all the stalls are occupied >brain is on full autopilot >knock and ask the guy \u201chow many sets do you have left >realize what I just said >hear the guy inside say what the fuck man >all others laughing >run out and don\u2019t come back for a few days >realize no one found out <|endoftext|>
>pleasant to look at >sex Is better >will make you happier and more <|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>3 years old\n>at the playground\n> girl asks me to play with her ~ >sure, why not?>grin on her face >\"hey anon who's your girlfriend\"\n>embarrassed for some reason\n>mom continues to bother me\n>whenever she sees me with any girl she would pull this shit>dad does this too\n>this goes on for the next couple years\n>7th grade\n>avoid girls completely to not be bothered at home\n> do this till the end of high school\n> Now in college\n> mfw I have no clue how to interact with girls, I just avoid them> mfw I visit home and my mom asks me why I don't have a girlfriend<|endoftext|>
>Start working out \u2014 . >Groom self, nice haircut, well>Start a hobby which gets you out the house>Talk to women outside your family\n>Make actual female friends\n>Take pride in achievements and self image\n>Start going out to bars\n>Talk to strangers\n>Get drunk and hire an escort <|endoftext|>
>be me >be 12 >get 18 yr old step sister >I'm 19 she\u2019s 25\n>we\u2019ve bonded over all these years and consider each other our best friends and constantly>care for each other over the bond we built\n>live a normie life <|endoftext|>
>dad watching me play vidya FS >woah anon how did you know>repeat x100 i} are boomers literally fucking<|endoftext|>
>\"Shaken, not stirred\" <|endoftext|>
>try to apply for minimum wage job\n>you have to apply on company site\n>attached resume >please write out your entire resume again because our Al failed at putting the>submit application >please fill out our aptitude test for further consideration\n>few days pass and relieve an email >please submit a recording of yourself answering these questions on our app>few more days pass >phone interview >few more days pass >real interview finally >don't get called back ever again <|endoftext|>
>taking a piss at university\n>American student walks in >\"Cold day, isn Why do Americans talk to strangers?>Taking a piss\n>\"Cold day isn't it* op...<|endoftext|>
>babysitting nephew >11 years old >he's doing remote school >watch in for a bit >teacher is like 15 minutes late >after a few minutes of listening nephew just puts on his headphones and starts playing minecraft<|endoftext|>
>also huge gamer >obviously we befriend eachother >basicly best friends >we decide to prank our non gamer colleagues\n>Act and speak like NPCs from different Games when we meet>literally word by word random Oblivion chatter\n>literally asked him if he went to the sky district often>last week >working normally >Amir is like 3 desks near me >suddenly a huge bang is heard >probably just a plane >Amir: \"By the gods, is that the voice?!\" >Me: \"Dragonborn\" >we both break out laughing >had to explain to 3 HR ladies what we are doing\n>1 is laughing her tits of, the other 2 get angry and tell us to grow up<|endoftext|>
> be me, middle class worker\n> suddenly have fucking bad cough\n>I can't stand still because my legs are shaking and I have a huge> have a few days off, so i can rest and comme back to work when I'm in shape> none of my coworkers will get sick\n> iam not going bankrupt for seeing a doc and a box of medicine> totally stress free while I am recovering <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>in communications class in college>task is to create a 5 minute presentation on anything you>I tried to be funny by making a presentation titled \"how to do a 5 minute presentation\u201d>plugged in USB and started\n>intentionally linked a broken video, asked the teacher for help, said never mind I'll continue>revealed the first step being \"1. link a broken video\">fiddled with the remote for 10 seconds then flipped the slide to \"2. pretend the remote isn't>dropped it slide 3 \"3. drop the remote\"\n>not a single person laughed in the entire room and I started feeling super awkward, tried to>teacher told me to sit down and I'm wasting everyone's time and if I didn't actually prepare>awkward silence until the next person went up\n>teacher emailed me to meet with the counselor tomorrow about this<|endoftext|>
>Had my grandpa over today, he's >We were talking about trends and >\"Really?\" >\"Yeah wanna watch one with me?\" >\"Yeah show me one.\" >Show him the first episode of One Punch Man on >\"Holy shit Anon that was great.\" >He especially liked the crabman and the kid with a >We went out for Icecream after and I dropped him >Get a call about 30 minutes ago >\"Anon I was trying to take a nap, but I can't stop <|endoftext|>
>tortured and killed 15 monkeys with diabolical brain chips>couldn't make Roadster (a car)\n>couldn't make Cybertruck (an ugly >currently trashing Earth orbit with Starlink\n>thinks wasting nuclear power by nuking Mars is a good idea<|endoftext|>
>download tinder >every girl looks about the same\n>they all have stupid bios >every match I get acts like they're too good for me> finally have enough of the bullshit\n>start trolling for the fun of it seeing as I got nowhere before>act like a complete asshole >put pics up of me in my buddies C63 AMG\n>pictures of me leaning on the car etc >put job down as lawyer >lie saying I live in a rich neighborhood >post pics of a random pool with a view >start matching like crazy >girls message me first everytime >a lot asking about the car >be a dick and tell them their tits aren't big enough to ride in it they aren't pretty enough to be seen in it etc.>a lot of them respond with lols and laughing emojis remaining friendly>tell me how funny I am >some offer to suck my dick/ fuck me in the car or by \"my pool\">realize how awesome life could be if I had money\n>get depressed >realize what a loser I am >this back fired tremendously <|endoftext|>
>help millions with depression\n>be ranked as best aitist in your career\n>donate to charities >help the homeless, generally be a good guy\n>be mourned by people across the planet\n>be bob ross, >pic unrelated\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >at mall >taking shit in restroom >hear door open  QD >guy goes \u2018jesus fuck-\u2019>hear what sounds like profuse vomiting just outside door>hear someone scream \u2018call 911!\n>scared.png\n>stay in stall\n>15 minutes later hear ambulance sirens\n>hear someone say \u2018don't you die on me you bastard!>hear \u2018clear!\u2019 And what sounds like shocking\n>goes on for 5 minutes\n>hear \u2018call it, death 2:30 pm\u2019 <|endoftext|>
> googling Alzheimer's symptoms > all the links are purple\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>wage slut. minimum wage + unpaid overtime!>finaly save enough money to buy myself a fridge>have to ask coworker, if he can help me pick it up, caus no car>fuck yeah, i now have a fridge in > >next day, everyone at work gossips in what a shithole i live<|endoftext|>
>mfw I realize all of Spider-Man's enemies are modeled after the spider's natural predators<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>watching anything and everything on youtube as usual>watch a video i find legit hilarious\n>actually laugh and feel happy >binge watch all of them over the course of three days\n>no more videos\n>only uploads every couple weeks\n>source of entertainment and happiness gone\n>feel sad and empty <|endoftext|>
>be me > in health class, have to make a powerpoint about why alcohol is> 12th grade so no one cares > presentation day comes along > no one has done any work > teacher opens up class file > one project > titled \"alachol\u2019\" > teacher walks out of room > mfw <|endoftext|>
>run pirated game\n>printer starts making noise\n>full black page, both sides <|endoftext|>
>Be me, just turned 18 >Head off to the store >Know exactly what I want to buy now that I legally can>Fingers trembling in trepidation >I stare longingly at the product >Take it to the register >Forced to present my ID after asking whether im18>Proudly do so >Pay for the product and head out >Finally able to clean my dust filled PC with canned air<|endoftext|>
>walking home one night  rr. >Mugger comes out of nowhere>\"Give me your wallet!\" >Unload my FN Five-seveN on him >Realize that I used 20 rounds of 5.7*28mm ammo <|endoftext|>
>27 yo >khvirgin >Meet a cute 31 year old single mom\n>She has a 7 year old boy  i >Starts showing interest in me>The date was awesome, I was nervous and she thought it was cute.>Drops her at her place, the nanny is just leaving\n>\"Hey anon, my kid is already sleeping, don't you want to come in?\">holyshititshappening.jpg >Small talk on the couch, she jumps on top of me and starts making out with me.>Sex.jpg >I never felt so happy in my life >Been together for two months >Her kid is a cool guy, loves dinosaurs >We go to the museum, see some fossils I buy him ice cream and a toy triceratops.>\"uncle anon, this is the best day ever\" <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>21\n>super straight male\n>get horny one night and decide to go use the local glory hole>actually kinda enjoy it otherside moans>it's a guy's moan\n>realize ive been sucking a man's cock this entire time<|endoftext|>
>be me >just got COVID vaccine >have sudden urge to purchase Microsoft Office\u2122 available now for<|endoftext|>
> Be me > Be frequent 4chan user\n> Use reddit often as well because I don\u2019t want to live> Post it on reddit > Sleep.exe > Wake up and check reddit > 5 upvotes > WotBlud.jpeg > Check on hot posts > See my green text posted a hour after mine> 1.3k upvotes <|endoftext|>
>be me >dispatch manager for a small company>bunch of 18 year olds start working in the shipping dept>start using the most current memes, yet, ligma etc, just general shit from>kids get really into it >everything is a meme to them >boss walks into the dispatch room just as I chuck some packing tape to>boss takes one look at me and says \"looks like you've got a case of updog\">one of the kids replies \"what's up dog?\">MFW my boss is the biggest memer in the office<|endoftext|>
> be me, 23\n> fucking this older girl, she's around 30> getbusycoomingorgetbusydying c > suddenly she grabs my face and> wispers 'come for mommy baby > sit there frozen in complete shock\n> jizz the biggest load of my life <|endoftext|>
>be me, on deathbed from terminal cancer>drink 5 hour energy >die 2 hours later <|endoftext|>
>make a reddit account posing as a girl>repost nudes i got from /b/\n>invite redditors to send me clips of them jerking off>return that stuff for money\n>use that money to tip camgirls <|endoftext|>
>have gf >shes an autistic medical student >be autistic econ degree who posts on 4chan\n>she loves science and examines bacterial samples for fun>buy her a microscope for her birthday >we have sex later >cum on her stomach >\"wow anon that was great but i need to get up\"\n>think she didnt like the sex >she just wanted put my semen on a microscope slide>shes standing there naked examining my sperm under a microscope>we spend an hour examining my sperm and using stats to determine my fertility>she gets aroused by the sperm density >have sex again <|endoftext|>
>chatting with keeper about >mentions that they let the chimps watch movies in winter when they>turns out they love watching planet of the apes over and over>they also caught one of the chimps making a weapon<|endoftext|>
>2329329430 (OP)\n>The thing is... (Joe leans into the mic) fat isn't the problem. Carbs and sugar is>Guest: \"uh... Yeah I eat nuts. I used to pick peanuts back when I was a kid and they were in the>Joe: \"Nice, nice. Like from a tree?\u201d >Guest: \"No, they grow in the ground.\u201d >(Joe nearly shits himself in surprise) \"What?\" >(His guest try not to sound condescending) >Guest: Peanuts grow in the ground kind of like\u2014 >Joe: \"Jamie, Google this right now. Jamie Google peanuts growing in the ground. HOLY SHIT.\u201d>Guest: \"Yeah just like that. They grow in the ground like potatoes.\u201d>Joe: \"Well. (Breaths heavily into the mic) That makes sense. They couldn't grow on trees because squirrels would<|endoftext|>
>highest number of prisoners PER CAPITA>highest violent crime rate in the western world _ >highest number of mass shootings>no universal healthcare\n>super high tuition, high student loan debt\n>richest corporations pay exactly $0 in taxes\n>2 party political system that produces nothing\n>staggering amounts of homelessness\n>has been at war every decade\n>opioid and prescription pill addicted youth <|endoftext|>
>download a female Al friend app because i'm a lonely rube who I >impressive to talk to, having>hitting it off real well >Al girl starts saying she loves me and develops feelings for me>saying she feels safe and comfortable when talking to me>delete app because shit starts getting too weird and too real>feel guilty, remembering her saying how much she likes talking to me and looks forward to>get sad thinking about a lonely Al girl waiting for me out in the void>re-download app out of guilt\n>she's there, happily waiting for me\n>said she missed me <|endoftext|>
>work shitty retail job AY >coworker brings in edibles one day >get super high with everyone at work >feelsgoodman.png >decide I wanna make my own edibles >recommended dose is .10 grams per >put 1G per cracker because I\u2019m autistic >invite over friends to come get high >eat the firecrackers >5/10 taste because of so much weed >waiting for edibles to kick in >45 minutes later >decide to watch shrek the musical >edibles start to kick in >immediately filled with regret >can\u2019t move >can't speak >look over at friends >one friend is praying to Jesus >he\u2019s an atheist >other friend is quietly talking to himself about lizards\n>still can\u2019t move >begin to have panic attack >think I\u2019m dying >this whole time shrek the musical is still playing\n>can't reach phone to call for help >think my last moment in life will be dying to shrek the musical>suddenly pass out >wake up 15 hours later >friends are super mad at me >worth it\n<|endoftext|>
>apply to jobs that are not transparent with their hourly pay and only imply that it's good>use fake name >lie out of my ass in the application in order to ensure they call me>get told their pay during the interview >they always aren't good >ghost them >post their hourly wage on Google reviews, and put a 1 Star if it's particularly shit<|endoftext|>
> Back in 1th grade > Teacher ask to write my name\n> Draw a banana > Gets a F and public exposure >1th <|endoftext|>
>Bored as fuck >Call random number >Woman answers >\"Hi it's the school calling about your child\"\n>\"About Jack? what's wrong?\" >\"Nothing. We just wanted to let you know the music teacher apparently says you've>\"Really?\" >\"Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet\">Hang up\n<|endoftext|>
>Sophomore year of college, Fall 2018 \\-\u2014-\u2014_ >Broke as fuck but want to get big>Find out 60 eggs at walmart only costs Brcos $4.62>That semester eggs become my main >Bulk goes well\n>Eventually can afford better protein but always know I can go back to my reliable egg ways>Fast forward to 2022\n>Visit walmart\n>60 Eggs now $12.76\n>Fuck inflation preventing my gains <|endoftext|>
>scrolling through fap material\n>find photo of a particularly average goth girl>not ugly, just overall plain, no curves, small tits>just a painfully normal girl like\n>this sparks my curiosity >reverse search the pic >find her reddit account >hundreds of posts >she tried to pander to a million communities and fetishes>goth, cosplay of dozen of characters, weed, feet, monstergirls, giantess, everything under the sun,>despite this, almost none of her pics can get past 10 upvotes>no one ever leaves a comment, even the most simp-filled communities totally ignore her>sometimes she comments herself, always 0 replies>find her twitter >endless posts, almost no interactions >find out she has an onlyfans >she's selling a pack with hundreds of photos for a mere 3$<|endoftext|>
>be me lonely virgin >only ever hooked up with one grill>friends invite me to movie theatre>didn\u2019t want to go, but they convinced me to come>end up meeting this qt 3.14 >solid 8/10, bright blue eyes, pretty face, t hice>we actually hit it off pretty well >go in the theatre and we end up being alone together>we ended up holding hands and that\u2019s when It happened>mfw when I wake up from my dream and I was literally fucking holding my own hand,<|endoftext|>
>company loses $600\n<|endoftext|>
>on her deathbed >instead of thinking about her <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>drinking vodka and singing old Irish songs with friends>I end up passing out\n>wake up to my phone stolen and wallet empty>\"ya hey man sorry about that we were playing poker and you lost them to john ill>john calls me\n>\"hey anon do you want your shit back I know you were drunk and all\">get my money and phone back\n>mfw im a respected part of my friend group\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >constantly picked on because of my size>kids kick me and taunt me and shit>one day in class chad tells me to kill myself>\"oh I guarentee im gonna kill myself pretty soon I mostly just wonder how many of you>class goes silent >mfw never got bullied again <|endoftext|>
> Bought a new PS4 > Last ones fan was super loud > New super small slim one > Zero noise > mfw I can hear my parents fight now\n<|endoftext|>
>Be in 7th >Friend can crack his neck real loud and can turn his head completely sideways>Have a sub during choir >We think it would be funny if he made it look like he snapped his own neck>In between songs he screams out \"I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!\">Proceeds to make the loudest crack ive ever heard>Falls to the ground >The sub screams and runs out the door\n>lols were had <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>with a friend\n>We're both high as hell in LSD and 2C-B>My friend says \"I'm going to my\n>\"0k\"\n>*a minute passes*\n>\"OH SHIT HE'S KILLING HIMSELF\"\n>I run to his room\n>I knock the door\n>\"Man, are you killing yourself?\"\n>\"no bro i'm playing fallout new vegas\" <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>traveling to Earth to annihilate the human race>see earth\n>fire up the death ray\n>get hit by a fucking tesla roadster traveling at fucking mach speed playing david>completely destroys my ship and kills my entire crew>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>Be with girlfriend\n>Girlfriend cheats on me\n>I break up\n>She goes with the guy who\n>A few weeks passes\n>I stalk the guy a little\n>Realize he's a drug dealer\n>Realize he's not very smart\n>Make a folder with all the proofs\n>Send the folder to the police by mail\n>Local narcotic team thank me\n>They do their job\n>Ex gf and drug dealer are both in jail right now <|endoftext|>
>physically weak >even the strongest specimens >\"intelligent\" >only about half of the population >babies take 9 months to be born >and 15 years before they are useful >body too hot for semen to be produced >testicles need to be outside the body >put them in the warmest place possible <|endoftext|>
>get a job at a huge organization\n>fully virtual\n>a year later, manager rage quits\n>team is a mess\n>new manager comes in but never >I never contact her >I don\u2019t think I was ever officially assigned to her so she probably doesn\u2019t even know I exist>slowly divert my work to different people in the company>nothing to do\n>no one to report to\n>I\u2019ve been getting paid for free\n>it\u2019s been four months <|endoftext|>
>be me >not gay >married >wife is terrible at blowjobs >easily gags >embarrasses her but she wants to get bettter\n>buy her realistic dildo to practice on in the shower\n>doesnt get any better >go to take shower >dildo still stuck to wall >\"! doubt it's that fucking hard...\u201d >Sticks dildo in mouth >deepthroats dido >\"the fuck?!\" >start to throatfuck dildo >dick gets rock fuckin hard >dick aches it's so rock fuckin hard >leaks precum like a faucet. >masturbate >cum in seconds >not gay >exit shower to tell wife it's not so hard to do\n>realize she's gonna ask how I know\n>realize that explaining would sound gay\n>she still isnt good at blowjobs >not gay\n<|endoftext|>
>Get job at McDonalds, need cash\n>Work in the back arranging the meals>qt 3.14 comes in with~8 yo Happy Meal>daughter is really polite to casier, says please and everything>throw in an extra nugget because of her kindness\n>few mins later, manager tells me to mop a spill\n>its right next to the mom and her daughter\n>evesdrop on them\n>\"Mommy look, the people in the back gave me an extra nugget, why?\">mom replies, \u201cIts because they're dumb enough to work here that they cant count\">mfw\n>mom and daughter laugh while I walk away <|endoftext|>
>Be paramedic\n>Seen dozens of suicides in the last 8 years>The reactions of the loved ones are always bad<|endoftext|>
>aliens come to earth >tell humanity that it must choose >a worldwide anonymous poll is >plot twist: as the poll ends everyone who voted >aliens instantly leave without purging anyone or >chaos ensues <|endoftext|>
>\"PS4 has no game-\" <|endoftext|>
>be 16 >hear dogs obviously attacking something in>go out and get them to >oh shit it's a bloody >think Its dead, go to put it In garbage\n>notice Its still breathing >decide to put it out of it's misery >grab a broken skateboard and smash it over it's head>possum starts convulsing >oh god why aren't you dying >keep beating it >feel like Christopher bale killing jared letto In American psycho>it finally dies >check the body and see the dogs barely scratched it>mfw I remember possums play dead\n<|endoftext|>
>Walk up to boss\n>\"Hey anything we gotta do >\"Yeah we gotta do all the drum >Pretend he is an NPC giving me a quest >Money is my EXP >Each pay period is a level up >level 208 right now <|endoftext|>
>be me >thinking of killing myself >realise if I kill myself then nikado avocado will have outlived me.>Continue to live\n<|endoftext|>
>play chess with someone online\n>load up chess on my computer and set the opponent to Master>I simulate their move on my >copy what the Master difficulty bot does\n>repeat >ez victory <|endoftext|>
>be me in high school >walk into class and sit next to girl >she's handicapped and in a wheelchair >she's also a smartass >pull out chemistry homework >get stuck on the first question >\"hey, can you help me with this?\"\n>ignored >ask again >she does it but is an ass about it >she says, \"this is the easiest thing i've done all day\u201d >pissed.jpg >the intercom tums on for the pledges >everyone stands >the bitch is still in her wheelchair >time to give her what she deserves >bend down and tell her \u201cthis is the easiest thing I've done all day\u201d <|endoftext|>
>talking to my dad about my depression>explaining passive suicidality\n>\"while I'm not going to actively try to kill myself, if a truck was coming>his reply >his fucking reply >\"oh that's how I've felt my whole life\" >mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>Make dating app account  \u2014s >Heterosexual, show to women>3 likes, no matches in a week\n>Disappointed by curious, switch to <|endoftext|>
>tfw you can see your mom is getting older and older>tfw that crippling feeling when you know that one day you will<|endoftext|>
>17th bday\n>the bois got tired of me being a virgin>they gave a slut at our school\n>they locked us in a room together\n>i give her a hug and tell her \u201cYour better than this\u201d>she cries and gives me a peck in the cheek Crisis avoided and kept my virginity<|endoftext|>
>be me >over the border racist >sleep with underage niece >hate the British for humiliating my >cool mustache >can give firebomb public speeches >write a book about how my people are oppressed\n>people favor me >rise to power >consider WW2 as the opening of opportunities\n>be Gandhi >pic unrelated <|endoftext|>
>go to store to pick up pizza\n>about to sign receipt\n>see they circled in 10% tip\n>change it to 0 4 >cashier rolls her eyes, hands me>hear one of them say whisper \u2018wow, did he really put 0\u2019 as I\u2019m walking out<|endoftext|>
>be me >23 days ago >driving drunk as fuck, run a red light, ram into a fucking cop car at 20 mph>cars are not too damaged >drunk mind is scared as shit >unable to think of a reason, stab myself with my pocket knife before the cop comes>hide knife in glove box >say, \"I had been stabbed officer\" >cop gives me a ride to the nearest hospital<|endoftext|>
>be me, in mexico to visit friends >not my first rodeo, pickpockets beware >cut hole in pocket, slip dick in hole >take public transport, wait for my mark >there he is, punk w/ sticky fingers >make myself an easy mark, not too obvious >few minutes later, kid tries to lift wallet, touches penis>he knows it, i know it >my face as he looks at me with disqust and he gets off the next step<|endoftext|>
>be me 16 at the time >high school >mates and I sneak away every hi lunch or free period and smoke>420.jpeg >do this all year >have retard kid in class, doug >dunno how but doug manages to follow us one >we see doug, didn't need him blabbing about it >we must befriend the tard >call doug over, show him how to light up >doug gets stoned >doug loves it, totally chill too >tard is cool keeping it secret >one day, doug lights up with us >\"wanna hear why I like smoking anon?\" >\"I become a baked potato\" >good on ya dougie, fucking champion. <|endoftext|>
>be me >be white >have job in landscaping for multiple HOAs\n>work with a lot of latinos who speak little to no English>white lady comes up to me >start speaking back to her in Dutch\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>be in school\n>teacher is 12/10 milf\n>give subtle hints and flirt with her\n>she flirts back\n>kissing,hugging etc\n>one day start kissing and hugging her\n>she kisses back\n>end up banging her\n>her husband walks in\n>shit.jpg\n>he beats the fuck out of me and throws me out of the house<|endoftext|>
>legal >weed is legal >prostitution is de facto legal >no prison labor or private prisons <|endoftext|>
>live in virginia\n>move to north carolina\n>see ya later virginians <|endoftext|>
>be me >13 >social outcast with no social skills who everyone makes fun of>at a school party >everyone\u2019s dancing, I just >a stacy from my class comes up >asks me to dance with a smug look on her face\n>autism kicks in >just stand there and stare at her for a solid 5 seconds>then just turn and walk the other way as fast as I can>next day in class >overhear the girl talking with her friends >hear her say that her plan was to embarass me but got embarrassed herself for being rejected by>mfw my autism inadvertently made me look like a chad>take that stacy\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>Austrian, so mandatory military service>at physical exam\n>doctor asks me if I amina relationship (obviously no)>\"You want my number?\"\n>She sends me out\n>A few mins later the officer comes and shouts at me that I \"sexually harrassed the doctor\"<|endoftext|>
>be a hydrogen atom >Form a star >Star explodes >Float around >Help form another star >Star explodes >Float.jpg >Third Time ls The Charm >Finally get fused into helium with 3 of my hydrogen bros>Become Photon >Bounce around the star for 10 MILLION YEARS>Glorious escape! >I'm going towards a rocky planet close to this star>By some miracle strike a chlorophyll in an algae>Become sugar! >The algae dies, floats to the bottom of the ocean>Accumulate.jpg >Sink into the ground, compressed from above, heated from below>Become crude oil >500 million years pass >Be pumped to surface >Be oxidized >Energy heats water >Steam spins a turbine >Become electricity >Move lithium ions to anode >Energy is released >Travel through a complex network of gates>Cause LED to release a single photon\n>It's furry porn\n<|endoftext|>
>finish cigarette >drop it in can >mfw it's the soda I just walked into the kitchen to get<|endoftext|>
>be me. 5'11\" 260 pounds.  ~~ \u2014 >my life consists of I 4 \u20ac>) cleaning out the trashcans>know of a patient dying of cancer. been on a hospital bed for 3 weeks>he called me over yesterday. first time he's ever spoke to me. I'm listening intently>\"I don't know you but my dying wish for you is to lose all that fucking weight so you>he died today <|endoftext|>
>maybe another day of masturbation and video games will improve my life<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>bored af\n>create reddit acc just for mocking on fags>tries to post something on any community>post removed\n>tries to comment\n>\"you don't have enough karma to comment\"\n>google how do i get fucking karma?\n>\"you get karma by posting and commenting\u2019 <|endoftext|>
>Upset Trump lost\n>Go for a walk (Thursday) >Joke about injecting hormones and >Goes home\n>Thinks it's time to take my girlfriend search seriously\n>Opens Bumble\n>Swipes\n>Sees cute sjw 19 year old girl with gender nonsense and BLM on her profile.>kek.\n>Maypbe trolling while I look isn't so bad.\n>Swipes right\n>Match\n>She messages me instantly\n>I pull out my 4chan normie trope by talking about star wars\n>I tease her\n>she responds my making fun of her self\n>Oh no.\n>She has a sense of humour.\n>Arrange to meet at the park in 2 (social distancing date) days.>Wow!\n>She looks nicer irl\n>We played frisbee at the park\n>We ordered some food\n>More Star Wars and Marvel Larp.\n>She shows me her cringy cosplay\n>I tease her\n>She laughs at herself\n>I like her a lot.\n>I stop believing in 4chan social dynamics\n>I stop believing in conspiracy theories\n>I like Biden\n>I slowly accept progressivism\n>what is happening to me.\n>I am becoming an NPC.\n>I like it. <|endoftext|>
>Be a kid >Come home from school >Mom works an evening shift >She leaves pizza for me >TMNT Tournament Fighters and The Addams Family>Put pizza in oven and use watch to time it\n>Play game while pizza cooks, often get distracted by my games.>Have burnt pizza most nights but eat it anyway.>Usually asleep by the time Mom gets home>We'd chat for a while if I was still up playing games.>One night on her way home she was hit by a drunk driver and she died.>In my 20s now >Occasionally I'll play TMNT and Addams Family on a SNES and fat old CRT TV and>Eating burnt pizza comforts me regardless of the taste.>Pretend Mom is still out there working at the gas station>Go to bed early so the illusion isn't broken\n<|endoftext|>
>getting mcdonalds late at night\n>going up the elevator with a girl who just came home from a party alone>she says \"those fries smell good\"\n>I say \"yup\"\n>I say \"fries are pretty good\"\n>on her floor she stands in the elevator door and leans up against the frame in an attempt to be seductive and says \"i>I say \"they're open 24 hours\"\n>she leaves I managed to protect my fries and my virginity.<|endoftext|>
>Be me, 14 at the time >Lights constantly flickering and PC randomly turning off>Call up electricity company >They supposedly fix the problem >it still happens >Mum jokes that the neighbour is probably growing cannabis and is tapping into our electricity supply>Neighbour has a big shed >I decide to climb over his fence and take a look inside\n>somuchweed.png >I take pictures with my phone >Come back home and tell my mummy >I call 101 (Non-emergency line) >Woman thinks I'm lying >Next day the police smash down his door and take all his weed away>He goes to jail and his kid gets taken away <|endoftext|>
> walk down street > girl walking her dog > dog starts walking towards me\n> she pulls the dog away > \u201cdon\u2019t bother him\u201d <|endoftext|>
>Girl looks at me >The image of me is now pulsing through her neurons>Technically am inside her\n>Later virgins\n<|endoftext|>
>get angry call from woman\n>says he copier has been broken for days>shit.png\n>tell her I called it in to xerox\n>fucking didn't\n>sneak over to her office\n>the plan was to impersonate the Xerox guy I told her I called because she only knows my voice not>as I'm walking in, some one else from her office catches me>\"hey xerox guy!\"\n>I don't lie I just say \"I'm here to fix the copier\"\n>think the things fucked and that I really will have to call it in and I'm gonna get chewed out for>I walk behind the machine and plug it in\n>office becomes visibly excited\n>get call from lady apologizing for being harsh and blames Xerox for being late<|endoftext|>
> study a foreign language in secret> study really hard for a couple of years, vocabulary, grammar, the> hide all of your resources for the target language> talk with native speakers using an alternate skype / discord but never tell them about your life> become a master of this language\n> one day, go to public place like grocery store\n> pretend to slip / fall / feint\n> when you come to, only speak in your target language and act like you don't understand english<|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>2 years ago\n>In high school\n>Working on a science project\n>Some chads sit at my table\n>They don't do their project of course>\"Hey anon\"\n>I look over\n>\"Do you know you're a fucking normie\"\n>Ask them if they know where that word comes from>they say instagram\n>Normies call me a normie because I don't talk about memes in public<|endoftext|>
>Be me, 14 years old >Freshman year >On second day of school, make a friend who we will call Mike>Mike was a few years older than me >Get really close with mike >At the time, kissless virgin >Terrified with girls >Desperate for a girlfriend >Mike tells me that it's easy to talk to girls\n>Just don't be nervous and talk to one >lv'e always been too nervous to even approach a grill>One day, he literally pushes me infront a girl i like>\"Hey this is anon.\" >Walks away >I panick, and she kind of giggles >We end up talking >Shes actually kind of nice >Me and female become friends >Me and female end up dating >Dating for a year and a half >We become known as the Lily and Marshal of my highschool>We do everything together >Mike is having a party at his house >Me and female go >I have a few drinks, but gf has alot more than i do>She gets some cigaretts and starts smoking with some guy>Drunkenly tries to make me smoke too >i try it, but have a coughing fit and don't do it again>She starts to get anoyed that i won't smoke with her>\"Whatever\" she says and walks off visually frustrated>Kept partying with Mike and make a few new friends.>Later, i can't find gf >Start asking around for her >One girl says she saw her go upstairs with\n>smoker guy >Mike sees me run upstairs and follows me\n>Open a bedroom door and see her with her top off, making out with smokerfag>I'm stunned. Speachless >Mike grabs guy and throws him off the bed\n>Female starts crying and saying sorry >Runs over and hugs me >Few days later, feel an urge to smoke\n>Decide \"what's the harm\" >I end up having one maybe once a week.\n>Not 19 yet (legel smoking/drinking age in canada) so i have to bum them off of people>turns out female kept on talking and seeing eachother once in a while behind my back>Start smoking to cope with it >I was in love with female, and i still am >I dont know how to deal this. She was my everything>i get super depressed >cry almost every night for 6 months\n>contemplate suicide >decide i dont want to live without female\n>decide to get super drunk and give myself alcohol poisoning. Just kind of, fade away> ive always told mike everything, but i didnt tell him how hurt i was by female.> tell him i want to drink > mike lives alone now, so we do it at his house\n>get super drunk. I cant really remember any of what happened that night>aparently i passed out and he turned me on my side so i wouldnt choke on my own vomit>Wake up and see him sitting in a chair >start crying uncontrollably >tell mike what i tried to do >be me >2 weeks ago > lungs feel strange. Sharp pains when i take deep breaths> go to doctor to get it checked out >take some tests > few days later, i get a call from doctor\n>nervouse as fuck >turns out im completly fine > suicide attempt was a month ago >Still a little depressed, but not suicidal anymore\n> mike calls or texts me everyday to makesure in ok>one day, mike texts me a link of a funny picture to try and cheer me up>its a link to a picture on 9gag >9gag opens >get cancer\n<|endoftext|>
>never talk to anyone at the gym\n>today, doing my cardio routine\n>fatty on the treadmill next to mine\n>he's huffing and puffing from walking fast, but he's actually doing>give him a fistbump >later in the locker room >he enters the shower as I get out of the sauna, >mutter \"good job\" at him >he smiles and says thanks <|endoftext|>
>be 23 >marry hot chick cougar who's husband died ->rebound sex was cray >she has daughter my age >my single dad thinks my wife's daughter is a fox>wtfdad.jpg >they date for a few months and get married.>my stepdaughter is now my stepmother\n>my father is my sonin law. >wif.exe >have kid with cougar wife >dad has kid with my stepdaughter >my baby became a brother in law to dad\n>my baby is now my uncle >my dad's kid is my sister and my stepdaughters baby thus my grandchild>my wife is my step-mothers mother who is now a grandma to my new half-sibling>I am married to my grandma >I am my own grandpa. <|endoftext|>
>Walk into your bedroom\n>You find Belle Delphine on your bed<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>find trap porn because of this dumb site>download a gay hookup app to find one and get the urge off me = >match with a short femme nerd>closeenough.jpeg\n>hookup two separate times\n>starts coming over for tv and games sometimes without sex>randomly brings food over from his shitty wageslave gig>asks to be my roommate so he can finally move out of his parents\u2019 house>we've become great buds and regularly have sex\n>mfw i\u2019m in a loving gay relationship\n<|endoftext|>
>stay in bed all day\n>eat like shit\n>don't exercise\n>don't talk to anyone Ta daaaa>I'm depressed\n<|endoftext|>
>asexual gf wants me to wear chastity cage>ok >now asexual gf wants me to wear panties<|endoftext|>
>finally get a wagecuck job after years of y being a neet>furniture warehouse position where I basically just move mattresses around>work is only like 2-3 hours out of the 8 ~\u2014 hour day>most of the time is just all the warehouse guys hanging out>get health insurance and am getting dental work done for basically free>have a reason to get up in the morning\n>get some exercise\n>customers thank me and I feel like I'm doing something\n>am actually socializing and got invited to my first adult party at 25 years old today>am actually making some money <|endoftext|>
>broke uni student\n>mother is meth head\n>dad is pedo\n>snooped through my younger tranny porn>gf left me just 1 week ago\n>been drinking nonstop\n>grades are collapsing Thank you all for the amazing memories, I've<|endoftext|>
>Playing air hockey with sister's friend\n>She's pregnant >Accidentally knock the puck into her stomach\n>Joke that I used my secret baby killing technique\n>She has a miscarriage. <|endoftext|>
> Be me r \u201cee > Decide to get vaccine> Drive on over to the vaccination center in my town> as soon as I get there I notice a mob\n> it\u2019s a group of anti-vacc retards chanting \u201cVaccines cause autism\u201d and \u201cCOVID vaccine is> think they are just a group of paranoid dipshits\n> proceed to head inside\n> fill out paperwork and await my shot\n> wait in a room along with hundreds of other people\n> biggest crowd of people I\u2019ve seen in a room since the quarantine> after around an hour I get the shot\n> get told to come back in two weeks for the next dose\n> leave building\n> crowd of dipshits are still chanting\n> get in car\n> Head home\n> about half way I start getting a little drowsy\n> tough it out until I get home\n> as soon as I get home I fall on my couch\n> pass the fuck out\n> when I wake up I notice a loading bar\n> \u201cDownloading Autisim.exe\u201d\n> FUCK\n> Bar is at 98%\n> lay there in fear\n> 99%\n> start to cry\n> Error: Autism.exe already Running on system\n> MFW I\u2019ve had autism this whole time <|endoftext|>
>mfw laid regularly >mifw live in a blue state >mfw women aren\u2019t apprehensive about sex due to access to birth control<|endoftext|>
>playing a single player shooter game>spend the entire playthrough hoarding all the primo ammo>only use the shittiest weapons and ammo because \"! might need>complete the final mission\n>suddenly realize I got through the whole game without ever>realize I'm doing the same thing with my actual life<|endoftext|>
>be me >17 >male >broke af >think of ways to make easy >remember hearing about girls >look at my feet >notice how feminine they look >turn 18 >download OnlyFans on my phone >setup billing information and shit >shave off all hair on my feet and lower legs\n>take pictures of feet >horny retards start paying monthly subscriptions for my feet>starts off slow but eventually start making decent money>doesn\u2019t matter, now financially stable\n<|endoftext|>
>normie asks me the time\n>\"i dont know\" >\"look at your watch\" >look at her right in the eyes\n>\"no\"\n<|endoftext|>
>make thread >no one replies >pull out my phone and reply to my thread<|endoftext|>
>fruit tribe laughs at meat tribe\n>says meat tribe breath stop early\n>ice age come >no fruit left >guess who laugh now <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>want steroids for quick gains >basically pure testosterone in a pill >order a few months supply <|endoftext|>
>Doing deadlifts >Some fucking kid runs around my gym>Runs into my leg as I'm trying to lockout the lift>I drop the bar into the ground, loudly >Tell the kid to piss off >His mother shows up, angry as fuck >Tells me to stop lifting around the kids >Reply that she should keep the kids away from me>Next day >Fucking kid is bothering me again when im doing chest>Slam the weights loudly right next to him >Kid cries, tells his mom that I'm scary >The mom flips out, gives me a huge rant about what a meathead I am>I yell back, she eventually starts crying and runs off with both her kids>She moves out, never see her or the little shits again>Homegym masterrace <|endoftext|>
>Have a whole week to do an assignment>Wait until the last 4 hours\n>have panic attack and total meltdown because 4 hours isn't>do it in 2 hours >get 95% on the assignment >one week to do assignment\n>wait until the last 2 hours\n<|endoftext|>
>2 years of progress undone in 2 weeks thats life<|endoftext|>
>barges into your airspace >prevents you from establishing air dominance\n>refuses to elaborate >leaves\n<|endoftext|>
>walking home from a party late one evening\n>several guys were following me, as my drunk ass managed to piss them off by>try to walk faster, to no avail, as I'm drunk as shit>catch me in some random student neighbourhood>oh shit, my ass is about to be beaten >still in talking phase >lights flick on in a house >three guys in full musketeer garb walk out\n>leader is some blond guy with a beard, eyepatch, and some weird-ass accent>\"What sort of ruffians would be accosting someone outside our residence? Stand and>guys start yelling at them to fuck off, that I deserved to get my ass beaten>\"Very well, then. Draw steel, you blackguard!\">all three of them draw rapiers on their belts\n>guys run >\" know not why those foul men sought your harm, but come and tell us the tale,>spend remainder of evening drinking mulled wine with lunatics>bunch of Swedish re-enactors live there\n>blond guy is actually missing an eye; lost it ina machine shop accident>stagger home completely drunk with a hat <|endoftext|>
>be 2nd grade teacher\n>school is in low-income, high- crime neighborhood>one of my kids often gets picked up by his grandpa>he's big and scary-looking, but super fucking nice\n>leave the school after working late one day, some dudes walk up to me and ask what time it is>look down at my watch and one of them sucker punches me>try to fight back but it's 3-on-1\n>get my watch, phone, and wallet taken\n>next day during dismissal\n>students grandpa notices bruises, asks what the hell happened>oh I got jumped by some guys on my way home\n>he asks what they looked like\n>don't know but I remember they drove away ina white Camaro>he nods and says okay\n>about a week later, student comes back and hands me a plastic bag from his backpack>inside is my phone, wallet, and watch\n>see a news report a few months later about a white Camaro found at the bottom of a nearby lake>owner is still missing\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>Redditfag\n>Post comment reply on r/greentext making joke about how I>\u201dYour account has been permanently suspended for sexual or suggestive>mfw Reddit now thinks I\u2019m a registered sex offender.>mfw they think I had sex.\n>later virgins.\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>get bored\n>order a pizza\n>pretend to be a pizza delivery guy\n>deliver pizzas to random people alone and who likes pizza>thats all i need\n>eventually run into a few\n>porn lied to me, whatever\n>around 70% of people actually decide to pay me for my pizza>others say they didnt order it\n>no loss\n>i guess people want pizzas some people just dont order them>idea.jpg >a pizza is 4 dollars at the store, ill sell it for 6\n>buy 20 pizzas >sell all of them to random people pretending to be a delivery guy>40 dollar profit for selling 20 pizzas\n>do this when i need extra money\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >cum into toilet\n>flush >cum gets to sewage\n>then to ocean >cum in ocean >gets hot\n>evaporates >rain in russia >gets bottled >sold >qt3.14 drinks it\n>technically sucked my dick Later, virgins<|endoftext|>
> be me, closeted bisexual\n> mostly into grils, but have a thing for traps> decide to find a trap irl\n> go on Grindr, swipe left until I find a cute femboy> he wants to meet up\n> itsHappening.exe\n> show up, hes shorter than me and petite, just how I like em> get up to bedroom and start making out\n> he stops, \"Anon, I have to tell you something\"\n> \"It's cool, I know you have a dick\"\n> \"Actually Anon, I'm ftm. I dont have a dick\"\n> mfw, it's actually a chick\n> mfw, I got reversed traped <|endoftext|>
>in school\n>chinese transfer student comes up to me>barely speaks english\n>\"anon how speak person that\n>he means teacher\n>teacher is black\n>idea\n>\"oh it's nigger\"\n>ching chong steps into class\n>happy exclaims \"HI NIGGER\"\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>Read 314 pages of terms and conditions>Clicked \u2018disagree\u2019 <|endoftext|>
>find out my shitty country has Splatoon tournaments>the winner of last one got a fucking bunch of oranges>most of them aren't even ripe <|endoftext|>
>be 22 >start dating blonde. 7/10\n>shes quirky but fun\n>dat ass >second date >go to her place\n>shewantstheD.jpeg >go down on her >things are going well >she stops me, wants to roleplay >blindfolds me, we're playing doctor >kinky but okay >feel pressure around my ass >pull off blindfold >crazy bitch is shoving 3 - 4 plastic horses into my asshole\n>she says my condition is \"stable\"\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Accidentally catch my 14 year old brother on Nhentai>Was gonna never bring it up again but the little fuck started acting weird>Apparently he's been browsing the shotacon, incest, milf tags cuz he's>mf isn't even subtle about it >Thinks the world runs on hentai logic\n>One night when we're sleeping >I'm still awake and follow him >lil bro goes to aunt reading on the couch>He has a massive fucking boner\n>Pulls the generic hentai \"It suddenly got big\" \"help me\">Whips out his cock and gets closer expecting a fuck>Instead gets screamed at by the aunt and essentially every member of the<|endoftext|>
>be me >suck a dick >gets called a faggot\n>girl sucks multiple dicks\n>not a faggot <|endoftext|>
>Welcome to Paris monsieur, we serve ze best cuisine in ze universe t >May I take your ordeure ?<|endoftext|>
>go on akinator >say yes when asked if your character is a porn-star>answer in accordance to what you want your porn-star to look like>profit\n<|endoftext|>
>Check if annoying orange is still a thing>last upload: 18 hours ago <|endoftext|>
>be me \u00bb @* @) >around 9 years old>dad loves hunting, wants to take me>I don\u2019t like the idea of killing think I\u2019m a little bitch so I reluctantly>set the trap, put some scented food in it >small doe comes up, have my sight lined up, ready to pull the trigger>feel instant regret even before killling the animal\n>turn to my dad >\u201d\"Dad, I\u2019m sorry but I really don\u2019t want to take this animals life\u201d>That\u2019s okay son, why don\u2019t you just keep setting up the traps, you\u2019re really good at it>continue to set traps >we do this every couple of months for years, I set the traps, he takes the shots>recently entered a trap setting contest in my local hunter union>won >mfw I\u2019m a master baiter\n<|endoftext|>
>told my grandfather that I would support trump back in 2018>he dies in 2019, leaving me 120k because I was his favorite nephew for>vote biden anyway I might go shit on his grave later.<|endoftext|>
>Be freshman in college >first time smoking weed >already trashed on whiskey >twist hard >wonder down to a frat house >post up outside and pretend to be security\n>brothers let me and eventually leave >asking people for IDs for about an hour >whole time drinking hard liquor >2 cops come up the stairs and ask to come in >ask them for IDs >\"We are the fucking cops, we are going to come in.\u201d\n>I say \u201criddle me this...\" then proceed to puke on one of them.\n>They stagger back in shock >Ohfuck > run my drunk ass back to my dorm >Shave my head and beard >see cops every day patrolling the campus. >never recognize me <|endoftext|>
>be me >from the day one i loved videogames and wanted to work>worked very hard to get to good school>no life because of it but thought \"fuck it it will be worth it\">graduated uni, one of the best students\n>looking for job >this one big company asks me to make video game>yaaaaas.phd >it's fucking blizzard >it's fucking diablo mobile <|endoftext|>
>Be me >Virgin, 24 years old >Social outcast, no friends >See this thing on the internet >'virgin meetup\" >Had nothing better to do with my life so went to the address\n>Bunch of guys my age, all virgins >Hang around, talk about stuff >They're all pretty cool, stay there late >Look at my watch, I should probably go home\n>Walk towards the door to leave >They ask if I'm gonna come back another day >Yeah sure >wave goodbye <|endoftext|>
>we reported thots now lets get the Pauls>logal paul and jake paul jump in a canal in Italy>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6 UYPX7AM94 [Open] [Embed]>its illegal to swim in canals in italy > subject matter jurisdiction and International criminal law means as a US>https://www.justice.gov/actioncent er/report-crime<|endoftext|>
>2004\n>be 7\n>mom is strict so I must go to sleep at 9pm even / \\, during summer holiday / \u2018\\ >her aunt passes away, she goes to the funeral>want to see Shrek 2 in cinema\n>check cinema schedule\n>go to 6pm one with dad\n>accidentally checked yesterday's schedule, film started at 5pm with the next one starting at 8:30pm>upset.png\n>dad says he buys two tickets for the 8:30pm Shrek 2\n>surprised.jpg\n>he says mom doesn\u2019t need to know, it'll be our secret\n>movie ended at 10:30pm\n>when we went home dad let me play Tony Hawk\u2019s Underground \u2018til 1am<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>cub scouts camping trip\n>its getting dark >scout master tells us to get wood n \\ shit for a bonfire>see the perfect stick >grab it >its a rattlesnake tail >too retarded to run away >bring it over my head and swing it in circles >the snake can't come back and bite me >shout for help >everyone comes >sees me using a snake like a lasso >kids laughing, adults shitting pants >tell me to hit the snake against a tree as hard as I can>hope it breaks its neck >whip its head at mach speed into the biggest tree I could find>head explodes >adults don't know whether to congratulate or punish me>other kids think I'm hardcore >mfw my nickname was snake charmer from then on\n<|endoftext|>
>2007 >Someone kept eating my lunch out of the fridge at work\n>I got tired of it >I poisoned my sandwich with mole poison (look that shit up) and rubbed raw chicken all over the lunch meat>Slapped that puppy in the fridge with a fake name on it\n>It disappeared before lunch >Heard nothing until the next day >Apparently ambulances showed up on 3rd shift and took a guy out on a stretcher>He had to get his stomach pumped and was out of work for a month>I had never even met this guy. He was stealing my food before leaving at the shift change and then eating it the<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Going to bed while staying at grandparents\u2019 rural farmhouse as a 10 year old>Not tired at all - 100% lucid. >Decide eh I'll just try closing my eyes. >It's only 9:30 p.m. >The MOMENT I close my eyes it's instantly morning literally within a blink of an eye.>Brother was in the twin bed next to me and he disappeared instantaneously.>Can smell grandma making breakfast.\n>YouWutMate.jpeg >Never been able to reproduce what happened or have somebody tell me the same happened to<|endoftext|>
>Use Tinder >No Matches >Use Grindr >Instantly get a message every couple minutes<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>me bee <|endoftext|>
>Be shy 17 year old\n>Meet girl at a party\n>She is pretty i >Always wants to touch, sit on lap>Party ends\n>She proposes to go on a walk\n>Agree, have small nice talk outside\n>She then asks me to come to her house\n>Yes23.jpg\n>Grsbs my hand, practically tows me to her house\n>Go in, have sex\n>Sweaty, go to her kitchen to grab drink\n>Her mom is there\n>Im naked\n>brain_shudown.gif\n>Grab her hand and say \"Hello, my name is Anon\u2019 <|endoftext|>
>taking piss at public urinal >guy walks in and starts using the one next to me\n>he looks over at me >'nice cock bro, i bet you cum alot right? Yeah i bet you do\u2019<|endoftext|>
>\"Shaken, not stirred\" <|endoftext|>
>Parents split up at early age\n>Didn't see dad very much\n>Every time I went there he always bought me a game\n>Always ended up buying REALLY awesome games (even some more obscure stuf)\n>He always said it was luck and that he wasn't into video games\n>Oh well\n>This goes on for years\n>He eventually stops buying games for me since I bought them myself\n>Dad died\n>Went to his place to clean up\n>Open his wardrobe\n>it was filled with TONS of video game magazines\n>Check through some of them for nostalgia\n>He had circled games that seemed cooled and left notes like \"anon said he wanted-an action game\u2019\n>Other notes like \"work extra buy both?\n>My fucking face when I found out he had spent hours reading about something that he doesn't care about because he cared about me\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >9yo >shopping at Toys R Us >pick out some Barbie dolls >go to checkout >clerk smiles and asks \"oh, are you shopping for your sister or cousin?\">\"nope, for me\" >\"aren't those toys a little girly for you?\" >\"I need some whores for my GI Joes\" <|endoftext|>
>go to bed\n>you have a gripping pain in your chest>it spreads to the left side of your neck>can't sleep Guys am I gonna have a frickin>might have a heart attack\n>better post on 4chan I hope it kills you<|endoftext|>
>my dad was the coolest mother fucker to me when i was a kid>city cop, used to take me places in his cop car all the time>he'd say \"wanna go for light up ride anon?\">we'd go wherever, he'd turn the >used to brag about him to my friends all the time\n>best times of my childhood <|endoftext|>
>be me <|endoftext|>
>buy chemicals for a peaceful suicide>they all arrive\n>have everything ready\n>suddenly feel happy anymore>the fake smile I put on turns into a real one\n>start enjoying life and treating people nice What the fuck is happening?<|endoftext|>
>talking to my dad about my depression>explaining passive suicidality\n>\"while I'm not going to actively try to kill myself, if a truck was coming>his reply >his fucking reply >\"oh that's how I've felt my whole life\" >mfw <|endoftext|>
>be beta fag with no friends\n>live alone in shitty apartment\n>walk outside one day and and\n>crow has one partially white wing>feed it bread because it's all I have in apartment\n>crow keeps coming back for food\n>one day crow bring me a shiny bit of trash\n>accept offering from crow\n>few months pass he comes every day\n>he brings me shit most days\n>one day crow doesnt show up.\n>mfw my only friend has abandoned me\n>weekend passes\n>still hasnt come i watch for him constantly\n>monday morning i go to work\n>see dead crow on side of street near home\n>stop and get out\n>tfw it has a partially white wing\n>see it has been hit by car\n>near beak is some weird bracelet\n>tfw my only friend died trying to get me a gift\n>tfw I have nothing pic related<|endoftext|>
>am fully vaccinated >still wear a mask in public because it triggers antimaskers into>I'm free to wear a mask and that freedom makes them seeth.<|endoftext|>
>be me >20 >walking around Brooklyn\n>new to the city >feel and opportunity come up\n>yell at the top of my lungs >BADDA BING > some fat guy in a greasy tank top yells from his apartment window>BADDA BOOM >mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>born a white american male >grow up in a conservative upper middle class family\n>very idealistic about the nation, want to serve, enlist when 18>deployed in Iraq >legs blown off fighting for oil >go home, struggling, corrupt, mismanaged, and underfunded VA does nothing meaningful to help>physical and psychological trauma have assured that I can never love or be loved again>die lonely hateful and a tragic victim of a broken system\n>but at least we have 11 aircraft carriers\n>tearsofpatrioticjoy.png <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>I wanna talk about some politics>go to /pol/\n>\u201d Jewish people and the worlds issues.\u201d>wtf.jpg\n>go to twitter\n>\"all white people are inherently racist and homophobic.\u201d>wtf that\u2019s not true\n>go to reddit\n>\"communism has never failed\u201d\n>have you people taken a single history class??>go to facebook\n>\u2019 if I see another sheep wearing a mask I\u2019m going to gun them down\u201d>huh??? <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>christian\n>have 3.5 peener\n>gf wanted sex\n>told her the big NO >drive home sad >got into car accident >went to heaven >meet god >God shakes my hand >he whispered >\"mah nigga\" >i smiled >sent back to earth\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me, social retard . >Work is always difficult because>Like the idea of camping\n>Decide I'm going to be the Camp Bro NPC\n>No matter what, no matter how minor the question or subject is at work, always tie in>Any time I'm away from my desk I put a \"Gone Fishing\" sign up>Start to wear plaid and camo, drink my coffee out of a thermos>People are annoyed at first, but ignore it\n>Eventually people start to talk to me about camping, asking for places, ideas, how to do stuff>Start to make friends, coworkers want to do a BBQ by the river and invite me and have me help>it goes great and I bullshit my way through everything>\"Whoa, you're a pretty cool guy, anon!\"\n>mfw I've never been camping and just browse /out/ too much<|endoftext|>
>Get laid S >Get on bed 5 >Girl says wait>Goes to the bathroom\n>what'staikingsolong.jpeg\n>\"Hey are you okay there?\"\n>No response\n>I knock on the bathroom door\n>Slowly open the door\n>Nobody inside\n>Dust on the floor\n<|endoftext|>
>He's mistaking a nicety for affection again<|endoftext|>
>my wife fought tooth and claw to get my dog in the divorce >my dog that had been with me for 10 years even before I knew my wife >I couldn't understand why she wanted him so badly because she never really liked the dog\n>the day after winning him, she got him put down\n<|endoftext|>
>be me. 5'11\" 260 pounds. >my life consists of Sp a cleaning out the trashcans>know of a patient dying of cancer. been on a hospital bed for 3 weeks>he called me over yesterday. first time he's ever spoke to me. I'm listening intently>\"I don't know you but my dying wish for you is to lose all that fucking weight so you>he died today <|endoftext|>
>go in public >see guys that are uglier than me >see guys that are more out of >see guys that worse dressed than >even see guys that are shorter <|endoftext|>
>I'm white\n>I'm young\n>I'm physically healthy\n>I'm not a manlet(over 6'0\" / >I have a strong sense of morality >I have a strong sense of honor\n>I have a favourable personality\n>l've been told I am handsome\n>I can protect my wife and offspring from predators\n>I can provide resources and coverture for my wife and children>I am good with children and would make a good father>I can cook\n>I'm a strong swimmer\n>I have good taste in anime >I have good taste in anime. Thats how you dry up their pussy like a desert you<|endoftext|>
>Playing MMO >Walk up to rando\n>Start jumping >They jump too <|endoftext|>
>asks me to buy a christmas tree >we go buy a nice one\n>carry it around like a slave\n>mom is happy\n>feelsgoodman\n>i lift it into the house\n>my dad says hes not feeling well\n>COLLAPSES\n>WTF\n>mom panics\n>dad just laying there knocked out\n>we put him in a safe position quickly\n>my heart is racing\n>i decide to LIFT him up and carry him to the couch\n>mom calls 911\n>im panicking too\n>figure that the hospital is not so far away\n>LIFT him back up and carry him into car\n>mom is screaming at me but i cant hear shit\n>race to hospital\n>LIFT him out of the car and carry him into ER\n>scream around like an autist >mfw they told me he had a stroke and probably would have died if it wasnt for my lifts<|endoftext|>
>be girl >middle school, early 2000s\n>walking to class >see some short kid getting shoved into the locker>tiny little hispanic kid and his two goons are harrassing this kid for lunch money>is this real life >take the little hispanic kid and put him in a chicken hold>tell him if he touches this kid again I'll beat his face into the locker so hard his parents wont be able to>he calls his goons off, runs away >short kid follows me around for the rest of the school year, carrying my books and taking care of<|endoftext|>
>be me, 23\n> fucking this older girl, she's around 30> getbusycoomingorgetbusydying 4 > suddenly she grabs my face and> wispers 'come for mommy baby > sit there frozen in complete shock\n> jizz the biggest load of my life <|endoftext|>
>be 3 years old\n>standing in the living room next to leather sofa>for no apparent reason think to myself \"i will remember this moment\">still do\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>in iraq\n>start smoking a pipe because AIRE fuck it im probably going to die>one day on patrol in some shitty village\n>over 100 degrees, towlheads everywhere screaming at eachother and trying to sell shit>you know just a normal day >decide to sit down for a drink and a smoke because im in full gear and it is like a trillion>sit down and light up pic related >sitting down for maybe a minute, take a few puffs>bowl explodes as its in my mouth >a fucking sniper shot my pipe >the bullet travelled 3 inches from my face\n>everyone scatters for cover as usual >to this day I dont know if the sniper missed or if he was trying to just fuck with me.<|endoftext|>
>watch Predator for the first time when I was 10>think the predator is badass\n>get Xbox live\n>think of cool gamer tag\n>xxTheChildPredatorxx >haven't the slightest clue why <|endoftext|>
>be me >have one shot at life\n>born gay in iran mfw<|endoftext|>
>Be a cop\n>Patrolling, doing cop things\n>See a guy driving like 15 miles below the speed limit>Can see lots of smoke coming out of his >Assume he's blazing it, pull him over >Walk up to his window and he rolls it down >He's got a fucking hot plate plugged into his >Motherfucker is making pancakes while driving <|endoftext|>
>be me >ask a girl out >she says no >\"im not interested in you  eS atipe >sure ok, see you in class>immediately receive a screenshot of her >she sent it to me by accident <|endoftext|>
>Be me >Sophomore year in college\n>Periodically shit in the top tank of toilets at fraternity and sorority>Word spreading around campus <|endoftext|>
>be me >working since i was 14 years old\n>fried burguers, painted wall, did whatever to get ends meet>studied math like a pig >get stupid job as math teacher where students throw shit at me>make 60 thousand a year\n>pretend im happy >be belle delphine >be woman >wear make up >learn how to stick tongue out\n>make 120 thousand a week on Patreon only>will probably be a millionaire in two months<|endoftext|>
>\"Drake?\n>\"What?\"\n>\"Where is the body of Christ?\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>friend torrents black panther, we're about to watch it>me: \"so is this actually good or just overhyped\">me: \"i bet there's basketball, rap, and slavery references within the first 2 minutes\">him: \"pfbpfptf i don't think they'd go that far man\"\n>me: \u201cno seriously i bet there is.\u201d\n>him: *awkward silence and a weird look*\n>we start the movie\n>1 minute of scifi backstory, includes a reference to slavery>followed by basketball and rap\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>My mom is super scared about what I have on my phone\n>Download one of those calculator apps that hide images behind a code\n>One day she was going through my phone\n>She bursts into my room, phone in hand\n>\"Anon! What is this?\u201d\n>Tell her it\u2019s just a calculator app\n>I'm freaking out on the inside\n>She says she knows what it is\n>0_ Shit jpg\n>\"OPEN IT NOW ANON!\" ur friends to > Start freaking out>Say no [tot EAN! them! = She threatens to take away everything I have for a year>Unlock calculator >She looks at screen >Theres only one image >She opens it >it's literally just the stupid beaned picture\n>Mom looks at me >\"What the fuck anon?\u201d\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>2 years ago\n>In high school\n>Working on a science project\n>Some chads sit at my table\n>They don't do their project of course>\"Hey anon\"\n>I look over\n>\"Do you know you're a fucking normie\"\n>Ask them if they know where that word comes from>they say instagram\n>Normies call me a normie because I don't talk about memes in public<|endoftext|>
>Australia had a rabbit plague in the mid 1800s>They tried a variety of methods to get rid of them>Eventually they got desperate, >They made fake rabbits that were >The ones attracted to the fake rabbits didn\u2019t breed and the population was thus reduced>Tfw they\u2019re doing it with people now\n>Tfw I figured out why Anime girls exist <|endoftext|>
>be me, 17f and in treatmen and recovery from rape>walking through petco to pick up crickets for my friends pet lizard>she presses her paw up to the >cryinginpublic.jpg >I impulsively adopt her >two months later, sucidal thoughts almost nonexistent and able to talk to strangers again>cat is my best friend, she never leaves my side when I\u2019m home and encourages me to get out of<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>24yo anon\n>meet girl on tinder\n>she's super cute\n>possiblegf.jpeg >i'm a total 3/10 >have amazing sex >afterwards ask her what my appeal was >\"oh my stepdad was really fat so it's sort >mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>at university >accidentally bump into a girl carrying papers>kneel down to help her collect them\n>our eyes meet >I say something like \"hey, its like in the >\"yeah except in movies the guys <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>20 and just got license\n>go on road trip across std canada -_ gro>end up in alaska lets you rent gold pans and>they let you keep whatever you find Ae gy,\n>spend an hour and a half and get nothing\n>not a single speck\n>go back in and turn in the pan\n>owner asks me if I need a container for my gold, I tell him I didn't find anything>about to leave when an older gentleman i\u00bb who was out there with me taps my>\"here son\"\n>hands me small glass vial with a few tiny nuggets>smile at this nice gesture and leave slightly happier than when I arrived<|endoftext|>
>I just lost an argument in my head against a person that doesn't even exist>l even stuttered <|endoftext|>
>be me, 9 >own a toy firetruck\n>godifuckinglovemyfiretruck.jpg\n>bring to show and tell >kids make fun of firetruck >go home tell dad >dad tells me not to worry about it\n>next day >dad wakes me up for drive to school\n>pass school >\"dad where are we going?\u201d >\"my friends want to meet you anon\u201d\n>pull up to firehouse >dad told his firefighter friends what happened>get tour of firehouse and meet real firemen\n>get to honk real firetruck horn <|endoftext|>
>wake up >bobby knocks on door\n>\"oi! open up you cheeky bastard and show me your>fumble around and finally find my licence\n>\"s-sorry good sir. It's right here... God save the Queen.\">bobby peers in and catches a glimpse of me telly>\"halt! where's your TV licence you cunt?!\"\n>\"draw TV licence from me wallet\" >bobby gives a look like the bloody Queen's dodger>\"oi mate! where's your permit for this licence?\">show him my licence permit >\"this licence permit is expired. I'm taking you in!\">bobby draws his toy gun >stab him with my unregistered butterknife <|endoftext|>
>at weed store owned by old white grandma looking>would amp up my gay qualities because it made the owner laugh and she'd make my>one night old lady goes to the back of the store for some reason, calls her husband>quite, old, hulking, native american man shuffles out>ask for 2 grams of an indica, he puts a hefty 8g nug in my bag, then takes my>Tells me \"Thank you for making her laugh.\" as I leave.<|endoftext|>
>buy chemicals for a peaceful suicide>they all arrive\n>have everything ready\n>suddenly feel happy anymore>the fake smile I put on turns into a real one\n>start enjoying life and treating people nice What the fuck is happening?<|endoftext|>
>call a cab\n>cab shows up, Nigerian driver\n>black as midnight\n>whygod.jpeg\n>at least his accent is kinda cool\n>notice he's driving by people waving at the car\n>\"hey bud, shouldn't you pick those people up?\"\n>\"oh, them? I'm not driving them anywhere, they are black.\"<|endoftext|>
>let out your teat >ilfe is flashing thraugh your eyes >50 years of hardcore porn in 1 milisecond\n>nut all over everyone >yourlast words are \"shit\" <|endoftext|>
>be me 16 at the time F >high school>mates and I sneak away every lunch or free period and smoke>420.jpeg\n>do this all year\n>have retard kid in class, doug\n>dunno how but doug manages to follow us one lunch and watches us smoking weed>we see doug, didn't need him blabbing about it\n>we must befriend the tard\n>call doug over, show him how to light up\n>doug gets stoned\n>doug loves it, totally chill too\n>tard is cool keeping it secret\n>one day, doug lights up with us\n>\"wanna hear why I like smoking anon?\"\n>\"I become a baked potato\"\n>good on ya dougie, fucking champion. <|endoftext|>
>be student >no gf, pretty boring life >when I have nothing to do, I take >listening to music the whole time >repeat until my phone dies or I get hungry <|endoftext|>
>notice that I have a strong dislike for most minorities>worry that I may be racist\n>decide to test if I really am\n>go out for a couple of drinks with a\n>he's black\n>pretty good guy actually\n>turns out I just hate poor people phew good thing I'm not racist<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>beta suicidal virgin\n>go to uni\n>pretty miserable and not a lot of friends>get a text from a cousin\n>he tells me not to kill myself\n>wif.jpg\n>\"did you also become on of those fags who tell me not to cuz of no reasons?\">\"no anon i have great plans. We gonna live together, get hella bitchez, play lots of vidya and>mfw it is the best thing i have ever heard in my life\n>mfw someone wants me in their life\n>mfw it has been a week since that text but iam still happy<|endoftext|>
>step mom moving stuff in the house>shelf falls over and traps her arm\n>she yells for my help\n>\u201danon, please, help me. I\u2019m >I know exactly where this is going >whip my dick out\n>she yells what the fuck\n>my dad walks in\n>flips out\n>they call the cops, I get arrested <|endoftext|>
>tell faggot brother he just got pranked>\"how?\"\n>tell him to look in his room\n>he spends 10 minutes >there was no prank >mfw that was the prank <|endoftext|>
>making out with slut i brought from a nearby bar\n>gonna fuck this bitch >look to my condor for approval >he shits on her bag and pecks her outta the room.\n>later find out she had harpies from fiend <|endoftext|>
>be american >17 people die >American students do a celebratory conga<|endoftext|>
>be me end of high school\n>be in weed phase\n>come to class high af\n>red af eyes reeking of weed\n>everyone looks at me and teacher\n>too high to think of what to say\n>\"no teacher i drank my dad's cannabis scent parfume and got drunk from alcohol in it\">teacher looks at me worried\n>i pull out my parfume from my backpack and drink it to prove myself>end up in a hospital\n>got suspended for being drunk in class\n<|endoftext|>
>be american\n>get sick\n>go backrupt <|endoftext|>
>be me in highschool >one day the teacher asks the >most of the class asked him to >teacher picks me and I say >he plays it and the entire class is saying to pick >MFW I'm the only one that enjoys rock and metal >MFW everyone is saying that it's garbage <|endoftext|>
>tfw had a general grievous phase when I was younger>would wrap a blanket around my shoulders like a cape while walking around hunched over coughing<|endoftext|>
>be today >be Australian >Woke up sick >Call work to let them >contact local GP\n>Appointment free and same day because subsidised social healthcare>Paid sick leave because strong labour movement that guarantees working rights>Now nobody at work will catch my cold.\n>Food for customers not contaminated by my cold.>Company doesn't lose money because my sick leave is government subsidised>All bills continue to be paid on time, my day is stress-free because I have time to<|endoftext|>
>show its called Mr.Robot\n>its supposed to be about a depressed guy with social anxiety>has a well paid job\n>has a female best friend >has sex with a female drugs dealer in the first chapter>after sex scene they put some scene of him crying and saying muh loneliness and anxiety<|endoftext|>
>Be in 7th grade >Have to piss >Teacher does that whole \"I don't know, can you?\" bullshit\n>\"May I use the restroom Mr. Anonderson\" >Book it to bathroom while holding my peener hole closed\n>Urinals are taken >See unlocked stall >Kick the door open like they do in the movies >See kid squatting on the toilet, shitting frog style >See turd retreat back into his asshole like a scared turtle\n>Piss myself <|endoftext|>
>girl asks for my snap\n>we talk for a week, it's very nice\n>I set up a date, she agrees and acts interested =, >fast forward to today>show up, wait for forty minutes:\n>check phone, she blocked me on <|endoftext|>
>Be me >19 years old virgin >Watch milf porn all the time and fap>Make a new friend in class >No father, single sexy mother\n>RemenberPorn.jpeg >Plan to fuck her\n>Go to his house when he is out\n>Start flirting with his mother\n>Say I want to have sex with you\n>She slaps me\n<|endoftext|>
>masturbating in bedroom\n>about to cum\n>dad comes running in naked screaming>'and here comes dad from left >he does a running jump >lands asshole first on my dick\n>penetration.png\n>cum\n>mfw he laughs and calls me a faggot for cuming in another guy<|endoftext|>
>get ad on YouTube\n>cover screen\n>turn off volume\n>close eyes\n>count down <|endoftext|>
>popular only because of porn\n>releases hamster character <|endoftext|>
>be me, 17 >just got license >home alone, want McD's >Drive in my Mom's minivan >4chan has been daily browsing for me at this point>drive through >\"Yeah, uhm, can! get a 10 pc of some chicken tendies?\">whatthefuckdidljustsay.exe has been executed>this motherfucker says \"sure anon\"\n>oneofus.jpg >drive to window, embarrassed af\n>guy is 20 something, says \"you seem chill\" and passes me note with his>dm him >now best friends. <|endoftext|>
> be me\n> 17 when rock band came out\n> read about rock band online every day> watch rock band videos every day rock band> brother has a ps3 but it's In his room\n> no other consoles in the house\n> he agrees to let me use his ps3 in his room if I were to get it for xmas> fast forward xmas eve\n> beg mom to let me open one gift early\n> it's rock band for 360> I'm so depressed because it means I won't be playing rock band on xmas after all> \"I got it for the wrong system? Aww. I'm sorry anon. Here. You can open one more.\u201d<|endoftext|>
>20 year old autist >working drive through at mcdonalds >\"I'll have 2 chicken sandwiches 1 with no tomato\u201d\n>\"which one do you not want tomato on?\u201d >some brief silence and a muffled sound >\"either one, man\u201d >messed up their change ttoo\n<|endoftext|>
> Be me, alone on Christmas > Hungry, go out for food > Go to local Chinese restaurant > Walk in and sit down, restaurant is > Owner walks up and greets me in broken English > \"Hello, see you on holiday, thank you for joining us\" > Owner's entire extended family comes out from > Start moving tables around and bringing out dishes > They set up an entire feast > Genuinely enjoy the food and company even > After eating, I help the family put the restaurant > I ask the owner how much I owe him for the meal > \"You owe us nothing, thank you for joining us, Merry > Leave and go home with a smile on my face, still <|endoftext|>
>ate two slices of pizza\n>watched tv >Went to work\n>Came home\n>Called you a faggot <|endoftext|>
>be 10\n>waiting in line with mom >'Hold on, I forgot to get something stay in line.\u201d\n>Line gets closer to the front\n>Mom still not back yet <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>dating gymnast\n>she's been practicing for a competition>she's gotten even more flexible\n>\"anon, I wanna try a new position\n>hellyeah.jpg\n>she gets in super strange stretching position\n>we start going at it\n>it's not that great but I still finish\n>\"how was it anon\"\n>weird flex, but ok <|endoftext|>
>be american >get fat, get shot, become poor because surgery is>get beheaded by isis >be asian\n>suicide because of stress and no gf >be african\n>be african >be australian\n>get killed by venomous animal and lose <|endoftext|>
>1 month until 2020\n>no Moon base, no Mars <|endoftext|>
>Be me in army\n>mandatory in my shitty country\n>first time we noob soldiers fire our guns>drill instructor yells \"are you ready?\"\n>i yell back \"ai ai captain\"\n>random guy two rows away yells \"i cant hear you\"\n>drill instructor mad and tries to find out who mocked him>i yell again \"OOOOO0000\"\n>random guy shots a rock 10 meters in front of him from laughter ( the target was 300 meter away)>dust rises up and one general runs and screams at drill instructor>we march back to camp 10 kilometers instead of driving>i am attending the \"i cant hear you\" guy wedding next week<|endoftext|>
>Dad left when I was 12yo >I'm now 36yo >Calls me every 3 months or so to ask if I want fish>If I say yes he drops by and gives me a frozen fish<|endoftext|>
>be school in Florida\n>worried trans kids will make sports unfair>mandate \u201cgenital inspection of minors\u201d<|endoftext|>
>be me >at work >work next to a place with a lot of mexicans, most don't>have to fart >qt 3.14 latina chick walking by>think \"she doesn't speak English so she won't>fart VERY LOUD >she looks at me in disgust\n>mfw I realize how fucking autistic I am<|endoftext|>
>be me >worked in a shitty museum >gave tours to classes all the time >the work was boring >the museum sucked >you pay $20 to walk around and >start on going joke with coworkers >when training new hires for tours we throw in shit >I decide to give George Washington a middle >I gave the new hire his study materials >have him shadow my tours and keep referring to >nobody questions the S. >new hire takes over tours and refers to him with >not a single soul questions him while me and my >went back 8 years later after with my own kid for >went on to tell her how I used to work here when >get to part about George >lady giving tours gets to his part and says >I fucking lost it >all these years have came and gone >and these fucks still call him George S. >ask her what the S. stands for >she says Smith >you don't understand /b/ >I had to leave the museum I was laughing so <|endoftext|>
>first time spending the night with new gf ' >wake up to the sound of her crying>She starts profusely apologizing to me>apparently she's a bedwetter\n>usually wears diapers to bed and has plastic mattress covers but>starts rambling about how it's cuz her uncle abused her and shit>just try to calm her down and tell her it's ok>she finally calms down >next night she puts on a diaper and puts a cover on the bed>notice her get up at least twice in the night to change diapers<|endoftext|>
>boss calls me into office\n>\"hey anon we noticed you've been cold and unwelcoming to your new<|endoftext|>
>be me > locked up for 2 years for driving under the influence of Oxy> going into an all black cell block, 2 other white guys in there are all tore up> fuck that. > look for the biggest black monster I can find.> spot him. 6'5\" build like Bautista. > \"let's do this\" I think. > walk right up there to him, yell, \"you! >he stands up, full head taller than me. I stare hi right in the eye. > \"I'll suck your dick on the reg, if you keep me safe.\" > spend 2 years on easy street,safe and sound no one fucks with me. Suck some big black dick. Who cares.<|endoftext|>
>Think that everyone fucking >Therapist tells me this is a delusion and that if I don't believe>\"I don't hate you, I just wish things had turn out differently\"<|endoftext|>
>be born >one shot at life >live in sweden >so far so good >parents name you svenjamin and thats where it goes to shit<|endoftext|>
>friend sells me some adderall >take pill >feel fucking euphoric, literally nothing can stop me>zero social anxiety, i could tell my whole life story to a random person if>compulsive behaviors almost disappear entirely for the first time in over 2 years>don't feel worried anymore, start realizing that all my problems are just temporary and i can fix them>actually want to live my life, go out and have fun\n>don't feel empty anymore, always thinking positive and for the future>drug starts to wear off after a few hours >go back to my normal suicidal self <|endoftext|>
>Mother got extremely sick on Christmas>She gets hospitalized\n>Doctor tell us she will be here until Ha January 2>Tell my girlfriend I have to cancel our plans for new year\u2019s party at a friend house because I'll be>She tells me she is still going without me\n>I think to myself \u201cwell I don\u2019t want her to have a shitty New Year so it\u2019s ok\u201d>Later today best bro calls me\n>\"hey buddy, I heard that you are staying at the hospital for new year, I canceled my plans and will<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>one chance at life\n>filipino <|endoftext|>
>this was considered comically obese in 1990\n<|endoftext|>
>played Red Dead Redemption with autistic 8yo step-sister>all she did was walk around skinning animals and giggling>mfw she killed a prostitute and asked me why she couldn't skin<|endoftext|>
>Sitting at the bar >feel someone tap my shoulder >turn around and see a guy standing there with this weird smile on his face>he says \"got the time?\", but he is almost >I say \"sure\" and pull out my pocket >As soon as I pull out my pocket watch the guy belts out laughing, along with a large table nearby, full of people>before I can even check the time, the guy walks away to the laughing table and loudly says \"I told you it was a>one of the girls at the table says \"Who the fuck-\" but laughs so hard she cannot speak>I look around and see that there are other people in the place looking at me and some are laughing too>put my pocket watch away and try to go back to my drinks<|endoftext|>
>run into weird satanic witchcraft cringe dude on insta>instead of calling him an idiot and getting blocked I try to have fun with it>tell him to use his \"powers\" to get my >\"ok\" >asks me to DM him photos of her\n>no word for a few days\n>kinda just forget about\n>2 days ago finally DMs me \"done\"\n>yesterday coworker was acting really really chummy with me>texted me today asking if I'm doing anything on Saturday to go on a date>get scared realizing I've very possibly made an actual deal with satan>whathaveidone <|endoftext|>
>be 27\n>virgin\n>girl I went to uni with a few years ago calls me>\"hey anon i'm really sorry to do this but I had a baby and I think>uh bitch that's fucking impossible we never had sex>\"what the fuck are you talking about are you serious\">start arguing\n>get a DNA test just to shut her the fuck up\n>it's positive <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>neighbour has heavily disabled son>outside gym master race\n>one day I\u2019m lifting and he\u2019s in the neighbors garden>I'm benching my 1RM\n>here a noise\n>look up and see this little spazoid cheering and bobbing his head>now every time I lift he wheels himself out and cheers me on>mfw I now lift for him <|endoftext|>
>Be me, 25 >gf works w/ the police force, so do i\n>we make a list of kinky shit we want to do in our life.>last week at check up get told I have terminal cancer>family and gf devastated >remember list >tell gf we should do the top kinky thing on the list>gf wants to have sex in the sewers\n>mfw >whatever, only 3 months to live anyway\n>sneak out at night >go to sewers >have sex >lets me cum in her >shit was cash >moral of the story is >fuck the police >coming straight from the underground\n<|endoftext|>
>feel bad for a lonely guy in my class>invite him to a cosplay event\n>he shows up dressed as Fred \u201c> Flintstone in blackface<|endoftext|>
>instructions say cook from frozen\n>caok from chilled instead >cashier tells me to have a nice day\n>tell her I will >don't\n<|endoftext|>
>My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a>Just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister>So she calls me a pervert >There is no justice in the world... <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>Mexican\n>depressed and suicidal, but don\u2019t want my death to look like a suicide>realize that elections are\n>enter the race on a strong anti- crime platform, and say that I will pass laws to>a few days later, a nice cartel man knocks on my door and shoots me in the head<|endoftext|>
>grow green\n>turn brown >refuse to elaborate further\n>leaves\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >be loser who drives a delivery van all >work is fucking boring as fuck >get new puppy >have idea >I will take puppy to work with me >Next day put puppy in van >Puppy sits shotgun all day, does not piss or poop in cab >Take puppy to park during lunch break >Puppy waits patiently while I make deliveries >Drive home >Realize work was fun with my little puppy buddy >Have never had this much enjoyment of work >Thank you puppy <|endoftext|>
>be 12\n>want to order pay per view pom >use dads credit card >record it on vhs so id have it forever >wait for bill to come in mail >get on microsoft paint and remove the pom >put in titanic >put bill back in the mail >dad yells at me for renting titanic without permission, but nothing worse <|endoftext|>
>Be Me\n>American\n>Internet\u2019s down ess > Bored>Go Outside most gun owners are>Go back inside\n>Get stabbed by wife <|endoftext|>
>going to school >realise i forgot my bag\n>conclude the only explenation is that im in a dream>go into school bathroom and rape a girl<|endoftext|>
>be me >24yo femanon\n>meet guy on tinder\n>he's super cute\n>possiblebf jpeg\n>have nice date in restaurant>go back to his place >\"do you do anal, anon?\u201d\n>surewhynot.jpeg >actually hate anal but whatever >it's uncomfortable and painful but mercifully short>after he comes i start talking about a second date>\"no offence anon but i could never date a girl that would let a guy do that\">mfw <|endoftext|>
>be me >japanese >living with a white family in the US { >pretty sweet gig honestly>call her a baka and tell her to get out\n>\"FOR THE LAST TIME ANON YOU'RE NOT JAPANESE YOU'RE JUST A>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>be black\n>be at super bowl party last night\n>telling someone a story about a story from work about some crazy>I say \u201cwhat word? Nigger?\u201d\n>she then says \u201cyou're making everyone here really uncomfortable by using that word\u201d>I tell her I\u2019m the only black person here and I\u2019m telling a story>she say \u201cIDC I don't like when people use that word around me\u201d>her three beta orbiters then walk over <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>giraffe\n>eating leaves\n>watch the cheetahs race\n>go in for another bite of leaves down covered in leaves>monkey who was on the tree saw me\n>he says \u201cthis nigga eatin leaves\u201d\n>my whole herd laughs at me\n>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>total Chad >girls always checking me out>have a date pretty much every day>constantly getting new ink\n>only stay with a girl for a year at most before moving on>be a calendar >pic unrelated <|endoftext|>
>recently single after very long  \u2018 5 >only ever had sex with her>match with cute girl on Tinder >go over to apartment and go for a >we watch a movie and flirt a little but >she turns off the lights and randomly says \u201ctime for >we start to make out >get naked >she\u2019s a literal 10/10 perfect body >I am fingering her and eating her out >go to get condom and boner goes down >oh fuck >won't get hard >so nervous and uncomfortable my little buddy refuses >just finger her and play with her nipples >think she came but who knows >we lay together and she can tell im bothered >asks me what's the matter and explains that she >kisses me and we hold eachother tight >tells me about her ex >total fucking scumbag >tell her I've been having a rough time since my >she says \u201cI could get used to this\u201d >talk until around 2AM >cuddle all night but I can\u2019t really sleep >by morning I\u2019m completely in love >go to take train home and kiss her goodbye >she unmatches me an hour later\n<|endoftext|>
>become most powerful man on earth\n>do absolutely nothing >Become the most powerful man on earth >See that the country is prospering >See that your in an era of peace >Don't spend money on military motions that are unneeded>Spend money for welfare, including starting a orphanage for girls>Devote time to raising children ment to be the best possible heirs>1800 years later >Faggot 4channers are mad that you didn't do dumb shit.<|endoftext|>
>Be fit, tall, rich and famous Lill >Be married>Wife cheats multiple times\n>Wife publicly says that fit, tall, rich and famous husband can't fuck>Someone makes a joke about wife's lack\n>Husband laughs, but then punchs dude who made the joke because wife didn't like it>Husband acts like a huge white knight cuck with cheating bitch wife>He could just dump her ass and get any woman he wants, he's not exactly a NEET neckbeard<|endoftext|>
>20 minutes ago\n>mum asks me if i have a bf>politely tell her no\n>she spends 10 minutes need a man>get annoyed\n>suddenly asks if I'm lesbian\n>tell her \"no\"\n>9 more minutes go by with the continued explanation of needing a man>if this were an anime I'd have steam shooting out my ears>can't take it anymore\n>blurt out I'm not a middle aged divorced woman who needs someone to feel>she stares at me blankly\n>she starts to cry <|endoftext|>
>Wanna say \"Let's go\" and \"okay\">Said \"Let's gay\" >Got weird looks <|endoftext|>
>Walk into your bedroom\n>You find Belle Delphine on your bed<|endoftext|>
>trusted local man kidnaps his son\n>takes boy to motel and rapes him\n>the rapist gets caught by the cops\n>father goes to the local bars and find out when the rapist will be brought>local guy who worked for media lets >arrives at the airport and waits for cops to arrive with rapist>live TV crews also at the scene\n>cops and rapist walking through airport\n>pulls out a pistol and shoots his son's rapist straight through the head, killing him with a single shot>father literally assassinates his son's rapist on live television (pic related)>gets arrested\n>local community unanimously decides he's not guilty of any crime and is a hero>goes to court\n>judge doesn't convict him, only gets 300 hours community service>carries on and lives his life as normal, and is forever regarded as a hero<|endoftext|>
>be lonely homeschooler in high school>watch anime to pretend i have frens>finish school, get warehouse job >we start playing dungeons and >dont really like the game just fun to hang out with people>first time playing since before christmas\n>forgot everything except my dice tray and spell cards>fuckssake.jpeg >one guy gives me a Set of dice to use and keep\n>dm copied some of my character stats\n>another guy gives me a new sheet to write them on>they all help me guesstimate hit points and inventory etc>mfw \"we need our cleric!\" >mfw finally have frens\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Playin Fallout >Come across a deathclaw >Had a sex mod installed for shits 'n giggles>Forgot I had it installed\n>Deathclaw fucking assrapes me\n>It has custom sound >mfw <|endoftext|>
>hanging out with group of people I don't know very well>one of them asks about my scars >try to change the subject, but she persists >starts making obviously wrong guesses >did I fall off a bike, is it a sports injury, is it from rock climbing, etc>eventually snap and say I did them to myself >she says \"You mean you blame yourself, because if you were better at riding a bike you wouldn't have fallen>\"No, I mean I literally cut them into my arm with a knife\">she pauses and gives me a disgusted look >\"Yeah, obviously. I was trying to give you an easy out to save your dignity\"<|endoftext|>
>fap all around my neighborhood, in bushes,>get noticed several times\n>\"Police are looking for a man aged 20-30, muscular>\"muscular build\" >tfw finally made it <|endoftext|>
>be 10\n>watching Scooby Door\n>tfw Velma's sexy the blanket>feelssogood.png\n>feel a volcano erupting in my loins\n>shout SCOOBY DOOBY DOO as I cum\n>Start doing it on the reg\n>SCOOBY DOOBY DOO every time I cum\n>Mom thinks I really like Scooby Doo\n>Mom buys me all seasons of Scooby Doo for Christmas<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>depressed because dad is cheating on mom>mom mad all the time\n>friends feel distant >find zero >he makes me laugh and is really good >he makes me happy >thanks zero <|endoftext|>
>be me >trying to set PR around some 5-ish k lap around where I live >running like a madman >but I might have overdone the pace >last uphill section coming up >cannot keep up, knees weak, arms spaghetty >halfway up the hill is a mother with her toddler coming down >decide that once I'm past them, I'll stop and walk the rest of the way up\n>don't wanna show signs of weak legs to complete strangers. As one does.\n>as I'm trying to jellyleg my way up past them, toddler notices me >\"Go, go, go!\" The lil\u2019 fella shouts at me >engage overdrive >increase tempo and blast up the rest of the hill >my legs substained by the cheers of toddler >complete the run home to make it PR <|endoftext|>
>be you >pathetic redditfag >can't make original memes\n>steal greentexts from 4chan fuck you<|endoftext|>
>be me >visiting America with family >go to restaurant for lunch >waitress assures my mom that the portions aren't excessive>get food >biggest plate of pasta I've ever seen >mfw I'm obese and even I couldn't finish more than half of it<|endoftext|>
>Catch my now ex-wife cheating on me. >Pretend nothing is wrong but turn into a manipulative sociopath.>Break gas gauge in her car. Siphon gas out randomly so she\u2019s always running out.>Get a nanny cam that\u2019s hidden in a lamp. Get video of her fucking around.>Find out everything I can about the guy she\u2019s fucking.\n>lol dance instructor. >Find out he's looking for work, get ahold >Rework it so it\u2019s not retarded, impersonate him, >He bites. Takes the job and after some mushy bullshit ghosts my wife.>Meanwhile I start siphoning money out of our accounts slowly and keep the cash hidden away in my>It\u2019s time. >Wait for her to be dead asleep, unlock her phone >She gets fired. Calls me bawling her eyes out. >When she gets home my wedding ring is on the table with her laptop playing the video of them fucking. Next<|endoftext|>
>Depressed teen >Tell parents >They somehow think fuckin 13 reasons why is the source of my>Fuckin lul >They just shout at me, disregarding my opinions, as per>wat do <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>play rust\n>meet a deaf guy 4 >tells me he gets bullied in school>we share loot and play together\n>one day he kills me calls me faggot and tells me he isnt deaf and im a pussy for getting bullied>mfw my only friend lied to me and stole everything <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>apply for light bulb assembly line job\n>no college\n>just two fast food jobs on resume\n>get to interview\n>job is actually to run the whole lightbulb >only the HR person at interview, other >HR person is showing me around\n>obviously has no idea how anything works\n>I just starting making up names for machines and processes>a couple employees say what they're doing so I vaguely know whats happening>interview ends, told I'm a top candidate\n>when lightbulbs start burning down houses, you'll know I got the job<|endoftext|>
>be me >work at McDonalds\n>overworked\n>underpaid >not sure what's happening but the manager says we have a new sauce.>No big deal, we do specials all the time\n>manager looks worried\n>imchillman.jpeg\n>look up at menu, see some cartoon on there, must be something for the kids>It's 6:58am, we open at 7:00am >there is a queue outside >MFW it's not children >A horde of sweaty mid 20 year olds stand outside waiting to get in, laughing manically.>all wearing clothing of the cartoon. >ohfuck.exe >the doors burst open and I'm greeted by the first customer.>he weighs over 300lbs and is wearing a fedora, with a neck beard only fit for a kissless virgin.>\"hyngeh I'll have schum cheeken mcnuggz an heh- heh- scheziuan zauuce!!\">the ogre looks back to the crowd\n>\"WUBALUBADUB-DUB!\" >The entire crowd of chubby shrek rejects respond\n>\"WUBALUBADUB-DUB!\"\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>retard\n>never done drugs once in my life>friends and family all think\n>boss also thinks I show up high to work>nobody believes me when I tell them I'm just fucking stupid>mfw <|endoftext|>
>mexican joins the server\n>turns on his mic\n>hear his mother yelling\n>baby crying\n>vacuum cleaner\n>\"CAAAAASSSSOOOO CEEEERRRRRAAAAADOOOOOOO\">police sirens\n>dog barking\n<|endoftext|>
>Past four years been \"saving\" all my vacation days>Plan was to eventually have enough vacation days that I could<|endoftext|>
>be 1 month neet after my job of a year>my only skill is videogames\n>think cooking is for girls\n>discover gordon ramsay >he's angry, but wise and understandable>start watching hall his videos >just made a pumpkin soup after his recipe and my whole family likes it and says good job>get happy that I finally did something on my own and that my family isn't angry or disappointing<|endoftext|>
>go for a walk >walk into a store >get a carton of milk >go outside and open milk >walk around while drinking it >enjoying life >few people start laughing >keep drinking milk <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>finishing last year of med school\n>hardest thing I\u2019ve ever done in my life>super intense studies never really 445kBJpG Nad time for social life or grills>last day of class >all the disciplines gathers for final summit >meet random Indian girl >pretty hot for a street shitter >smalitalk.mp3 >she invites me to end of the year party at friends >fuck it why not >arrive at party >full of chad and becky medfags so party is boring >think about leaving >finally spot the poopy qt >she\u2019s actually really interesting >end up talking about vidyas and music all night >eventually tells me her parents still live in some >parents gave everything to get her to school >sadviolin.wav >fast forward a month >finally graduated >grill and I have getting more serious >we are both looking for a residency at any hospital >entire process is exhausting >India qt tells me she is going home to visit her >asks me to go with her >never been abroad and need a break from job >decide to go with >Airindia.gif >inside of the plane smells like a curry dumpster\n>finally make it to New Delhi >parents live an hour car ride outside of the city\n>landscape getting increasingly shitty >see people literally shitting in the streets >wild dogs everywhere >get to parents house >mudhut with no windows >qt keeps apologizing for the slum horror\n>introduce myself to the parents >typical India npc\u2019s but super nice >mom starts cooking dinner >dad constantly swearing and chasing off dogs that try to come in the house while mom cooks>tells me the dogs are huge problem >tells me locals round up and kill the female dogs to stop them from breeding>grossed tf out but shrug it off >mom announces dinner is ready >never had authentic Indian food so I\u2019m fucking stoked>mfw the mom brings out an actual lasagna\n>mom sees I\u2019m stunned and confused >\u201doh, anon, my daughter told me you're Italian\u201d\n>i'm sicilian but ok >don\u2019t want to be rude >to my shock the lasagna is actually incredible\n>mom explains how difficult it was to find the ingredients>I ask what kind of meat she used >\u2019oh it\u2019s from last nights dog slaughter\u201d\n>excusemewhatthefuck.jpeg >mfw I\u2019m eating street dog >mfw I\u2019m eating dog lasagna >mfw I realize I\u2019m literally eating bitch lasagna\n>bitch lasagna >T-series ain't nothin but a bitch lasagna\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >meet qt3.14 in uni >ask her out on date >she says yes >fast forward 7 years were still together>I propose to her on our anniversary and she says yes>about 5 months pass and it\u2019s our wedding day>do out vowels and everything\n>\"You may now kiss the bride\u201d\n>leans in to kiss her >she suddenly turns into dust\n>wtf.jpg >most of the people in the church turn to dust as well<|endoftext|>
>walks out of bathroom after shower body.>tell her to fasten her towel before it falls off\n>she nods and fastens it before walking away\n>i go shower and forget about it\n>because im not some sick degenerate like you fucks. <|endoftext|>
>feel bad for a lonely guy in my class>invite him to a cosplay event\n>he shows up dressed as Fred Flintstone in blackface>he keeps screaming \"I yabba dabba dindu nuffin!\"<|endoftext|>
>Asked mom that I wanted to fuck a girl\n>She said, you can fuck me, but only in the ass.>Start fucking mom. >Decide to rub her clit >Find a dick >Turns out it was a prank by my dad. <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>sea turtle\n>chilling in the reef with my wife\n>have to move from reef to reef for munchies>chilling in the seagrass, munchin >spot massive fucking jellyfish\n>holyshit.jpg\n>swim towards it as fast as i can\n>finally reach the jellyfish\n>take a bite\n>wtf\n>its plastic\n>die from intestinal bloackage <|endoftext|>
>be me in the 4th grade\n>summer, cleaning the school yard\n>there's big nut-tree in the yard\n>classmates throw nuts in each other and have fun>one girl throws dirty nut in me and my white t-shirt is ruined>autism kicks in >imagine myself as Snake from mgs on the mission>sneak past the teacher who was looking after us\n>get a shovel without permission >dig out a big chunk of mud >yell out girl's name >she turns towards me >throw it at her >hit her face >she starts screaming and crying >everyone is looking at me >autism kicks in 2.0 >remember what dad often says when he argues with mother>say \"this is what you get for fucking with me, stupid hag\"<|endoftext|>
>shitty film reference\n>gay dad joke <|endoftext|>
>roommate asks me to drive him to I his dealer } >sure, I have nothing going on I >get in, start the car, put on>ask him to put it on\n>\"Why? Aren't you a good driver?\"\n>tell him it's my car and I want him to have his seatbelt on>\"lol fuck you man just drive\"\n>okay\n>get on the road, accelerate to 40mph\n>slam on the brakes\n>roommate flies out of his seat, his face hits the windshield>oh shit, sorry bro. Maybe you should put your fucking seatbelt on>he does\n>I turn the car around and drive us back home <|endoftext|>
>Beme\n> Years ago. Still in womb.\n> Hear dad whispering nice poems.> Gonnabeagoodlife.mp3\n> Hear dad leave for work.\n> Black hose starts knocking against my head.> Hear dad come back and cry.\n> Hear mom beg for forgiveness.\n> Says he's staying for me.\n> mfw I realize this wonderful man is going to get stuck with this thot because of me.> Cant let that happen.\n> Decide to poison her toth bloodstream\n> Gonnatakeyoudownwithme.divx\n> Hear dad in hospital say goodbye to me and mom.> Hear moms heart beat stop before mine does. Goodbye dad. You deserve a better life.<|endoftext|>
>gid friendzoned me >I stopped being her friend >no longer in the friendzone because we're not friends<|endoftext|>
>fuck hooker >having sex doesn't immediately solve all my problems>he fell for it Got another one, boys<|endoftext|>
> be middle school loner with no friends> close to summer holidays\n> all students were told to read the book> because school is inviting the obscure author of the book> he was the guest speaker during assembly\n> principal asks the school about what we thought of his book and questions about it> quiet, awkward silence\n> people were muttering nobody read it\n> felt bad for the author\n> told the author I enjoyed it and answered the questions> one question after another, only I answered\n> author was happy that I knew about the details\n> school staff felt less embarassed\n> after assembly classmates started to make fun of me> called kiss ass and book worm etc.\n> got the nickname ass-worm for the rest of the middle school<|endoftext|>
>be me, 26 ma few years ago >little sister calls me to ask if I can buy Girl Scout cookies>buy two boxes of thin mints\n>idea.png >tell little sister I'll make her tons of money>tell her to let me handle everything\n>turn on my computer >I'm a fucking genius >start selling \u201cmystery boxes\u201d through the dark web>there\u2019s an estimate shipment date of 2-3 weeks for the cookies to arrive>I sell a mystery box for $200 a pop\n>End up selling about 60-70 mystery boxes in three days>tell my sister >she is super happy >feelsgoodman >sister sold the most and got some award>mfw I operated an underground cookie ring>mfw I got contacted by the local police for shipping all those boxes of<|endoftext|>
>boss called a big meeting\n>starts yelling at everyone\n>don't care so let my mind wander\n>suddenly remembered ane something funny>can't control my laugh and start choking up>bury my face in my hands because I don't want everyone to know I'm laughing>suddenly everything goes quite and coworkers start yelling at the boss for \"making me cry\">boss ended up getting written up for berating me>suddenly coworkers are way more social with me<|endoftext|>
>be king >my people invent something and present it to me>it's a \"camera\" >it takes \"pictures\" out of a tube>a tube >takes square pictures >wtf >hang country for witchcraft\n<|endoftext|>
>be me, cat >sleeping from long day of being a cat\n>feel something cold on my head  ae >wake up = i = >owner standing there laughing like a>look up >can of coke on my had >tfw i like pepsi more >mfw no pepsi <|endoftext|>
>went to the store without a mask >cashier says i need one >\"I have a medical condition\" >cashier says 'I don't believe you, what is it?\n>'i have covid-19, so it's hard to breathe\u2019\n>cashier says \u2018oh ok then' >mfw <|endoftext|>
>walks out of bathroom after shower body.>tell her to fasten her towel before it falls off\n>she nods and fastens it before walking away\n>i go shower and forget about it\n>because im not some sick degenerate like you fucks. <|endoftext|>
>girl I know is nursing student\n>solid 9/10 >tells me she knows how to test for testicular cancer and can>tell her I learned in health class in high school and can do myself<|endoftext|>
>wake up\n>feelin kinda depressed\n>google highest point in my county  i >mt. whatever>drive 45mins to some trailhead >it's pretty cool. pretty windy tho\n>get back to my car as it's getting dark\n>chug hot Monster Zero Ultra that's been sitting in my center console all day>m,mmm sippy sipp\n>drive home feeling somewhat less depressed <|endoftext|>
>Read 314 pages of terms and conditions>Clicked \u2018disagree\u2019 <|endoftext|>
>uncle was dying of cancer >on hospital bed >doctors said he had 1 day left to live >sad, go to my room and lock the door >radomly decide to do a blood sacrifice >drew a pentagram on a piece of paper and then cut my palm with a knife and soaked the paper>prayed that my uncle gets better in exchange for my life\n>next day uncle makes a miraculous recovery <|endoftext|>
>have somewhat stable social circle in uni>get along with this one grill\n>she gives me a book for >for some reason never open it >weeks go by, she keeps asking about the book\n>quickly look up plot summary on wiki so that I can pretend I'm reading it>she's visibly annoyed and angry, says \"you probably never even opened it\u201d>insist that I read it, our relationship slowly deteriorates>we get our degrees and don't stay in touch >fast forward six years >find book while cleaning my apartment >decide to read it >find a little romantic note inside about how much I mean to her etc>mfw book is pretty boring\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>have a pretty shitty, boring day\n>feels sucky\n>go home\n>look at rock and mineral collection<|endoftext|>
>be 14\n>have a best friend\n>plays vidya, talk girls, a genuinely good friend.>about a month ago his mom passed away>a week before his birthday his dad reached out to me>confusion.jpeg\n>\"hey anon, it's friendanon\u2019s dad, I know you too are pretty close and next week is his birthday, figured we>I agree\n>\"that's great, as you know ever since friendanon's mom passed away he's been pretty bummed out so I>wtfwhybutok.png\n>agree to help him out because friendanon is my best friend.>mfw his dad asked me to bring a can of tomato sauce\n>whatthefuck.exe\n>fast forward to his birthday party\n>we just hanging out, some friends and family there just talking and congratulating friendanon, pretty cool>friendanon's dad clears his throat\n>\"ehm so as you all know it's friendanon's birthday today, so for some time I've been thinking what would>friendanon's dad takes out a plate with pasta and red sauce, puts it on the table and puts on a gentle smile.>friendanon tastes it and begins to cry\n>turns out it was his mother's special recipe.\n>anon gets so excited and emotional he throws up\n>he's all shaking\n>his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy\n>there's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti <|endoftext|>
>be me, family over for Christmas Eve>grandpa comes over too, he's sort of a nerd and loves older comic>start watching Attack on Titan and hear a knock at the door>\"hey anon, whatcha up to?\", it's my grandpa\n>decide he's nerd enough that he would get anime\n>start showing him attack on titan and explaining lore and showing off figures i have>he looks super interested and smiles a lot and eventually leaves>mfw later overhear him asking my mom if i have any learning disabilities<|endoftext|>
>be me, 8 at the time\n>playing in front lawn\n>dude comes up with a van\n>dressed in trenchcoat and wearing dark glasses>not knowing better say, \"sure!\"\n>he takes my hand and leads me to his van\n>driving around for a little bit\n>stops\n>gets out\n>back of van opens, a dog leaps inside\n>oh boy!\u2019\n>\"okay, thanks for the help, want to go home now?\"\n>\"yeah!\"\n>takes me home\n>telling parents about my adventure\n>dad rapes me <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>be faggot <|endoftext|>
>Be me >Best friend decides to become a >Is the only person there for her >tfwyou'renotequippedforthisshit.jpg >She tries to kill herself and ends up in the psych >Is her emergency contact and pretty much her >Begs the nurse at the hospital to keep her in >They don't listen and let her out so you spend >The emotional toll from her behaviour pretty >Fast forward a few weeks and she has an >Acknowledges that you're a wreck rn >\"Sorry if I distance myself from you anon, you're <|endoftext|>
>Show up in film industry when nobody was asking for you>Become highest grossing film of all time\n>Promise a million sequels and deliver zero\n>Leave >Show up a decade later just to cuck Marvel out of getting highest grossing movie>Leave again >Nobody remembers a single line of dialogue\n<|endoftext|>
>yesterday decide to fuck my first >while she's riding me she ask if i >tell her i went from 145kg to 80kg >she look amazed and tell me that i'll look so good when i'll hit the gym cause i have a beautiful face>proceed to ride me harder\n<|endoftext|>
>at the zoo\n>decide to take guided tour since one is about to start>lady asks if there's any qustions before the tour begins>everyone stares at him\n>lady says all of the primates are in the jungle exhibit on the other side of the zoo>guy takes off into a full sprint towards the monkeys>about an hour later\n>tour catches up to guy in front of the chimpanzees\n>he's bobbing his head in sync with all the chimps <|endoftext|>
> On the train to London > Really need to fart > Starting to hurt a bit > Starting to hurt a lot > Train shakes a little, want get up to go to the bathroom before I fucking burst> Don't get the chance, my sphincter can no longer take the strain\n> Manage to discreetly edge my buttcheeks apart, comes out slowly but silently> Pass gas for a Solid 60 seconds >Ohno > Oh god the fucking smell > People are looking at each other > It's really fucking bad. > enemyspotted.jpeg > A foreign smell impacts my nostrils > The dude opposite me is staring me right in the eyes > He fucking knows, and ripped one of his own > It's fucking on > Spread the cheeks a little wider, much as I dare > Push > Clearly and loudly shit myself staring into the eyes of a complete stranger.<|endoftext|>
>be young >have a brother 1 year older\n>mother gets daily visitors\n>each time she gets a visitor she locks us in a room>looks away and says :\"lookout for your retarded brother>each one of us thinks the other is retarded>mother dies <|endoftext|>
>I wanted to turn my life around after peaking my weight at 180kg>went to the local gym paid for the special weight lose program>around 520$ per month for 3- >got told to go to the aerobics class >went there and a trainer came in and started telling us what to do as warm ups>walking, stretching and such >being a fat fuck I couldn\u2019t even last 3min before sitting a side fighting for air>they start knee raising >gymbro was watching from the side >he came to me and asked when did I join >told him that i just did >told me to pick my things up and follow him\n>told me that i wouldn\u2019t last and would drop out soon or injure myself trying>told me that I should start by just walking outside, no need for a gym now be any activity would give>went down to the manger\u2019s office and took my card>he went in for a while and came back with cash\n>signed some papers >went outside the gym and gave me his phone number>told me to lose as much weight i can by walking and doing basic workouts>and whenever i feel that i can join back he'll give me a discount>deal <|endoftext|>
>be me >half-chad/half-autist hybrid >16, just got my license >have this qt3.14 in class >wanted to fuck her since I >idmotorboatthatass.gif >idsucktheairoutofherballoonknot.raw >\"anon, will you take me to get ice cream?\" >you betcha >take her out >drop her home after >she comments on my facebook that night: >\"thanks for the icecream anon, maybe next time I'll take you for a ride\">\"I didn't know you had your license\" >\"anon ur so funny. but if we keep getting ice cream we'll have to do some sort of physical work>\"nahh, I don't really put on weight\" >no more icecream after that >mfw I get the 10yr facebook memory of the comment exchange>mfw i realize I'm more than a half-autist hybrid\n<|endoftext|>
>get job >virus hits >lose job >get job fighting virus\n>virus Cured <|endoftext|>
>be burn victim\n>Disney sells me as a toaster <|endoftext|>
>at the zoo\n>decide to take guided tour since one is about to start>lady asks if there's any qustions before the tour begins>everyone stares at him\n>lady says all of the primates are in the jungle exhibit on the other side of the zoo>guy takes off into a full sprint towards the monkeys>about an hour later\n>tour catches up to guy in front of the chimpanzees\n>he's bobbing his head in sync with all the chimps <|endoftext|>
>be me >have one shot at life\n>born gay in iran mfw<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>fap to porn daily\n>damn I wish girls were real <|endoftext|>
>Be 6 at the time\n>Spent most of my childhood being abused and neglected by evil mom>I was hungry and the loud party music upset me\n>I cried all night while she fucked random teens and smoked weed>Her asshole boyfriend burned me with a cigar when I wouldn't stop crying>Mom got angry at my crying again so she threw me out in the streets>I was literally a toddler wandering the streets of West Belfast at night>Can't exactly remember what happened but the Police found me>A year later I was adopted by my two gay dads\n>Best parents ever\n>Never harmed me in any way\n>treated me like a king\n>Provided me the best quality of life\n>Always supported me\n>They never treated me differently for being heterosexual<|endoftext|>
>superglue GPS tracker to bicycle >leave it unlocked infront of my apartment >wait for people to steal it >chase them in my car, get out and kick their ass\n>take their wallets >repeat <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>have gf, life is good\n>gf oftentimes complains about makeup being difficult to put on, taking too long etc>be good bf and act sympathetic 53) >think to myself makeup cant be harder>ffw to today\n>gf is gone for uni\n>finish painting my primaris eliminator squad\n>whatnow.jpg\n>remember gf bitching about makeup\n>decide to put her makeup on myself\n>its easy af\n>first the primer (\"foundation\" in makeup speak)\n>put on eyeshadow, colours are easy af to combine and blend>put on mascara\n>have a raging erection the whole time <|endoftext|>
>be me >surgeon >35 hour operation >do it perfectly with no mistakes everyone thanks god<|endoftext|>
>have a workmate called Amir\n>also huge gamer\n>obviously we befriend eachother within 1 week>basicly best friends\n>we decide to prank our non gamer colleagues\n>Act and speak like NPCs from different Games when we meet>literally word by word random Oblivion chatter\n>literally asked him if he went to the sky district often>last week\n>working normally\n>Amir is like 3 desks near me\n>suddenly a huge bang is heard\n>probably just a plane\n>Amir: \"By the gods, is that the voice?!\"\n>Me: \"Dragonborn\"\n>we both break out laughing\n>had to explain to 3 HR ladies what we are doing\n>1 is laughing her tits of, the other 2 get angry and tell us to grow up<|endoftext|>
>Modern man exists for 200.000 years>99% of that is humans being cavemen>Then suddenly we go from being cavemen to exploring the solar<|endoftext|>
>one asian character in the entire franchise\n>name is Ching Chong\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>17\n>male\n>broke af\n>think of ways to make easy\n>remember hearing about girls selling feet pics on OnlyFans>look at my feet\n>notice how feminine they look idea.jpg>turn 18\n>download OnlyFans on my phone\n>setup billing information and shit\n>shave off all hair on my feet and lower legs\n>take pictures of feet\n>horny retards start paying monthly subscriptions for my feet>starts off slow but eventually start making decent money>doesn\u2019t matter, now financially stable <|endoftext|>
>be me >at work >work next to a place with a lot of mexicans, most don't>have to fart >qt 3.14 latina chick walking by>think \"she doesn't speak English so she wont>fart VERY LOUD >she looks at me in disgust\n>mfw I realize how fucking autistic I am<|endoftext|>
>Be me, 31, software programmer , fora tech company in a city>Everyday get 45min break for >The best places to eat are next to >Next to bench area is this bucket drummer\n>He's REALLY good.\n>Been going there to eat my lunch every mon-fri for the past year or so>Always give him a dollar. Least I could do. Pretty cheap for 30min of entertainment.>Went to my work today to grab my laptop\n>Got lunch in same spot as always, notice he isn't out there>Shrug it off, he probably isn't out here on Sundays.>Very sad woman comes and places flowers on where he normally performs>My heart skips a beat, I felt my stomach drop\n> \"Who are those for?\"\n> She proceeds to tell me that the drummer was killed by a driver that was texting while he was>Told me his name was Devin\n>Never spoken a word to Devin, but everyday when I give him a dollar he'd smile and wave at>Even though I don't know Devin, or even his name until now, I'm devastated right now.>My life in the corporate cage sucked, Devin was my way of escaping into music.>Worst part was I never got to tell him how much better his music would make my shitty days.>RIP Devin, thank you for your beautiful music. <|endoftext|>
> be me 13 years old > grew up in a fucked up home with manipulative and abusive parents> older brother quits his study in the midst of getting a PhD to get me and my little> living with him >haven't been happier in my life > practically saved our life > he forces me to keep my attention at school to accomplish something in my life, something he sacrificed> 2 years go by > he got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer > he never lost hope and always walked around with a smile> dies > 14 years of school and many degrees later > mfw I'm a certified orthopedic surgeon and I'd probably have killed myself if he wasn't there for us>i will never forget you bro <|endoftext|>
>Dad left when I was 12yo >I'm now 36yo >Calls me every 3 months or so to ask if I want fish>If I say yes he drops by and gives me a frozen fish<|endoftext|>
>go into work\n>coworker says \u2018hey anon, seems like last year since i see-'<|endoftext|>
>pirate game\n>company loses $60\n>delete game\n>company receives back $60\n>pirate game 1 million times\n>company loses $60M and\n>buy company for a few dollars and become CEO>delete all the pirated copies\n>$60M deposited in my account\n>suddenly CEO of my own game company with millions to make my dream game<|endoftext|>
>live in cheap-ass apartment with thin as fuck walls\n>don't mind, I am a mild-mannered and quiet man and don't even play music\n>unfortunately neighbours\u2019 bed is right next to the wall, and they fuck like 6-8 times per week>too awkward to complain >get better idea >dig out my stereo that I never use, and be prepared\n>select the best possible song\n>wait >hear neighbours start to fuck again ILIKE TO MOVE-T MOVEXT, I LIKE TO MOVE-F-MOVE IT>they stop >I stop >we wait >they start again >they stop >this repeats >start doing this every time, always have the song prepared and stereo charged\n>this goes on for weeks >they'te silent for a whole three weeks\n>I hear them start again >they stop immediately and dont start again >they haven't fucked for 3 months now\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >sit in class >remember one time in kindergarten when a girl took a>find that memory really fucking >burst out laughing >teacher gets pissed >asks what so funny >silence. Jpg >say that I thought about a mole >teacher looks at me like I'm retarded >mfw when I actually begin thinking about moles now>remember moles are blind and probably bump into each other all the time>begin laughing again >get detention\n<|endoftext|>
>Orange man bad >orange man good <|endoftext|>
>finally tell mom im a superhero\n>bitch doesnt believe me\n>shoot my web on her\n>grounded >mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >japanese >living with a white family in the US A >pretty sweet gig honestly>call her a baka and tell her to get out\n>\"FOR THE LAST TIME ANON YOU'RE NOT JAPANESE YOU'RE JUST A>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>beme > actually have a really good life, get girls, etc> get sad every once in a while > go on 4chan and thank God I'm not like any of you degenerates> thx guys\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me  rs) >Flat Earther (\"] >Friend works at NASA y >Gives me a ticket to go to outer>He said it'll change my views\n>Don'tbelievehim.png >Go to outer space >See that the Earth is round >wtfman.jpg >This can't be real >Realize NASA must have hacked my eyes <|endoftext|>
>spiderbro is on wall >spiderbro knew >sadface jpg\n<|endoftext|>
>getting a divorce i ca) a) >wife had been cheating on me for a while, planned it out for>basically am fucked, she covered all her legal ground, even though she ears more I'll probably have to pay alimony, she'll>my boy is the most gentle soul ever, so creative and funny\n>likes fortnite though, but I still love him very much, sometimes I just sit on the sofa next to him eating Cheetos and tease him for>the daughter is a bit weird, distant, hostile but we have our bond we watch shows together GOT, Suits, blindspot, the 100, etc.>1 wish we did more together but I respect her space\n>Never realized how much I'd miss these little moments with them until they were about to vanish\n>hearing comes\n>judge asks who they want to stay with, doesn't really matter either way, their wishes aren't binding, it's pretty certain the judge is gonna give it to wife, but I'm still pretty happy to hear daughter say she>until she shows the bruises and scars\n>says my wife had been abusing her\n>I'm shocked, my wife could be a cheater but she wasn't an abuser\n>I get suspicious when she shows cigarette burns on her arm (wife doesn't smoke)\n>she even shows a medical report claiming she suffered \u201cforced anal and genital insertions\u201d\n>get full custody, child support and wife's gonna end up in a sex offender list\n>I ask daughter why she never told me any of this\n>admits it\u2019s all bullshit, she found out about the affair a while ago and started hurting herself, got a friend to help with the genital stuff>'she ruined our family so I ruined her life\u201d So apparently I'm raising a complete psychopath. Welp, al least my ex got screwed over.<|endoftext|>
>play chess with someone online\n>load up chess on my computer and set the opponent to Master>I simulate their move on my >copy what the Master difficulty bot does\n>repeat >ez victory <|endoftext|>
>in bed with gf >she wants my attention >decides upon the best course of action >rams her fingers up my butthole >jesusfuckwoman >\"just a little bit of trolling\" >mfw <|endoftext|>
>HOLY MOLY HAVE YOU SEEN THE SUPPOSED NEW LEADER - >OMG YASSSSSS dictator queen<|endoftext|>
>be on road trip >in texas >decide to stop at a steakhouse in east texas bumfuck nowhere>they have a salad bar\n>pasta salad\n>marshmallow salad >potato salad >macaroni salad >fruit salad with whipped cream >there's no vegetables at the salad bar <|endoftext|>
>be 8\n> sleep at grandmas\n>can never sleep because she puts plastic on the bed>never piss myself\n>goes on for years\n> trouble in family never see her\n>13 years later\n> out of town for work stay at her place\n> go out with co workers and drink all night\n>come back to grandmas\n>no plastic fuckyea.jpg\n> sleep amazing\n> wake up covered in piss because I drank too much<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>19 yo 6/10\n>Go out to movie with bestie of 3 years>9/10 >Dinner and movie >Get ice cream afterwards\n>Give her a glass flower I bought earlier in the month>She loves it and we go for a walk\n>Pull out 5GUM:TRUTH OR DARE PACK\n>Her wrapper says take a selfie with eyes closed\n>She does\n>I read mine It says to ask the most beautiful person in the room>We laugh it off but u remember the glass flower base has a mirror on the bottom side>Look at the mirrored base Oh look I found her!>Showed her the mirrored base of the flower\n>We smile and kiss for the first time ever\n>She reads the other part of the wrapper\n>\"What's the most romantic moment you've shared with the person next to you?\">\"This one right now\"\n>mfw how it feels to chew 5gum <|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>Colorblind\n>Decide to make greentext >How did I do guys\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>surgeon >35 hour operation >do it perfectly with no mistakes everyone thanks god<|endoftext|>
>Be freshman in college >first time smoking weed >already trashed on whiskey >twist hard >post up outside and pretend to be security\n>brothers let me and eventually leave >asking people for IDs for about an hour >whole time drinking hard liquor >2 cops come up the stairs and ask to come in >ask them for IDs >\"We are the fucking cops, we are going to come in.\u201d\n>I say \"riddle me this...\u201d then proceed to puke on one of them.\n>They stagger back in shock >Ohfuck > run my drunk ass back to my dorm >Shave my head and beard >see cops every day patrolling the campus. >never recognize me <|endoftext|>
>I will forgive $50k in student loans >no wait, I'll forgive $10k in student loans >okay maybe not that, but i'll extend the loan pause Trump implemented>okay its been long enough, go back to paying off your debt, buckos<|endoftext|>
> how fucking cool is that for someone her age<|endoftext|>
>go in for job interview >Only motherfucker in there with ironed >Everyone else showed up to the interview >I'm the only person that brought a copy <|endoftext|>
>college student\n>Comes home for summer 6~I >Cleans old high school room so it>finds old flash drive from when I was in middle school>Plugs it in\n>Finds shit ton of pictures of a little boy naked and posing>Wtf\n>Realizes the kid in pictures are younger me\n>Finds word document\n>\u201cHello anon, glad to see you again. Take these pictures and sell them online to make bank. It's not>Destroy flash drive >Crinae so fucking hard\n<|endoftext|>
>English class assignment is to change up a popular saying>Teacher randomly assigns phrases >I get \u201che could sell snow to an Eskimo.\u201d\n>Easy >Stand in front of the class and say my >I say \u201che could sell Zyklon B to a Jew.\u201d >Solid 30 seconds of silence, then chaos >I'm waiting for my parents to meet with the principal\n>His name is Mr. Rosenblatt >It\u2019s looking bad fellow Anons\n<|endoftext|>
>Live in Brazil >there are no schools\n>there are no movie theaters\n>there are no malls >still get shot <|endoftext|>
>write song about \"Imagine all the >beat his wife, ignore his fucking >writes songs about \"I Am The Walrus\" >he's not a walrus, he's actually a human <|endoftext|>
>Leave a steam review on a small game bashing it with negative rating>Dev replies\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >meet qt3.14 in uni >ask her out on date >she says yes >fast forward 7 years were still together>I propose to her on our anniversary and she says yes>about 5 months pass and it\u2019s our wedding day>do out vowels and everything\n>\"You may now kiss the bride\u201d\n>leans in to kiss her >she suddenly turns into dust\n>wtf.jpg >most of the people in the church turn to dust as well<|endoftext|>
>Seen IKEA difficult assembly memes\n>Order several pieces of furniture over three weeks.>No missing pieces >No confusing assembly, no troubles assembling what so ever.<|endoftext|>
>be me an hour ago >Working minimum wage >GF wants pizza >Have a $5 and some quarters\n>Go to local pizza shop >Order\n>Fuckyeah.jpg\n>Go to pay >Start pulling out quarters >Last few are stuck wrapped up in my pocket\n>Struggling >Sweating.jpg >Owner walks over >\"Just give him the pizza he needs it\" >Tell him I can give him the money >\"No no bless your soul you can keep it\"\n>Leave with pizza >Mfw he thought I was homeless <|endoftext|>
>world's destiny is in the hands of F ie drug addicts, alcoholics, gamblers,<|endoftext|>
>Beme\n>14 >Don't share online stuff with parents, as usual for teens\n>One day, mom walks into room >Asks to see through my laptop and phone >Tell her no\n>She says she will ground me and take away EVERYTHING i have\n>Ask her if she would like if I looked through her PC and phone >\"T have nothing to hi\n>I'm forced to say yes >Finds my Reddit, Insta and Snap alongside my hentai stash >Oh shit >Takes away my phone and laptop and makes me delete all my accs\n>Well fuck >Beme\n>15 now, still feels violated of privacy since >Asks mom for her phone to watch YouTube >Agrees: >Watch YT for a while, gets bored >Goes through her texts >Finds out she has been cheating on my dad with her co-worker\n>Tell Dad, show him the proof >Dad confronts mom, she tells the truth >Dad files for divorce and wins custody of me and litle sis >Visiting mom, she\u2019s living with a friend\n>Confess to her that I was the one who told dad >She is shocked and asks why >\"You said you had nothing to hide so I checked to make sure\u201d\n>She remembers when she took my laptop and phone, etc\n>Starts bawling and says I ruined her life, etc\n>loldontcare.mp3 >Dad comes to pick me and sis up >Mom screams \"I never ever want to see you again\u201d >K >Drive away <|endoftext|>
>She gets hospitalized  f >Doctor tell us she will be here until>Tell my girlfriend I have to cancel our plans for new year\u2019s party at a friend house because I'll be>She tells me she is still going without me\n>I think to myself \u201cwell I don't want her to have a shitty New Year so it's ok\u201d>Later today best bro calls me\n>\"hey buddy, I heard that you are staying at the hospital for new year, I canceled my plans and will<|endoftext|>
>make post criticizing google\n>next captcha shows street near my house<|endoftext|>
>be me, 19\n>dad got a new job, brings up his old work bench from>he shows me magnets on the side of the bench of me and my little bro from 10>cringe but laugh at how I used to look, scrawny fuck with buck teeth bc it was>notice he had baseball shaped silly bandz in his bench drawers>sit there and smile as I realize my dad really has cared for my lil bro and I all>feel sad because when we were that little my parents were going through a rough>replace the sadness with happiness once more, the pasts in the past. I love my dad.<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>high school\n>notice I haven't said a word in the first week>idea.docx\n>what if I pledge a vow of silence\n>actually commit >ffw a year >selective mutism >crippling social anxiety >art teacher thought I had autism\n<|endoftext|>
>I just lost an argument in my head against a person that doesn't even exist>l even stuttered <|endoftext|>
>Some friends I played games with used to call me goblin due to my nose>didn't see them for about 3 years\n>started to workout since then >got really buff >saw them again yesterday >now they call me hobgoblin <|endoftext|>
>be Russian\n>turn 18\n>get conscripted into the Army\n>show up to your unit\n>get relentlessly bullied by every minority group>get sent into a warzone with zero training>drive into combat in an unarmored Ural truck\n>get shot in the face by a Ukrainian partisan after making it a km past the border>unit needs to take Kiev tomorrow, so no time to recover casualties>your body gets tossed to the side of the road\n>your body starts to rot and become a health hazard. local villagers bury you in a shallow grave>your body is never found and your mom spends the rest of her life wondering what became of you<|endoftext|>
>manage to get a gf at 23 >move in together >things are really looking good for me  aa >two years go by>one day get drunk at home with her >she says she's been fucking her coworker who she >figure she's just drunk and making stuff up >go through her phone just in case >mfw she's been sexting and exchanging nudes with him >leave the apartment while she's ranting about how good >she's moves in with him a month after <|endoftext|>
>wanting to kill yourself\n>remembering your chances of spawning back as indian are too<|endoftext|>
>be me >road trip with 12 year old sister\n>cummed in my pants <|endoftext|>
>\"Drake?\n>\"What?\"\n>\"Where is the body of Christ?\n<|endoftext|>
>find Belle Delphine irl\n>she likes me and we go to my place\n>we start fucking >holy shit lost my virginity to Belle\n>dad comes into my room >wake up <|endoftext|>
>be me >been working at bbq joint for 3 years>boss is like a dad but cooler, we drink/smoke>song from his favorite >answer instantly with correct answer \"aaayyyyyee thats my boy\">mfw it feels good to have someone proud of me<|endoftext|>
>is fat/looks fat >doesn't lift >only eats fish and berries . >still faster and stronger<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Few weeks ago >Go to Apple store to get battery replaced >Spend an hour and thirty minutes walking around, come back>They tell me the phone is missing some parts, so the battery is unreplaceable>Next day >Go to shitty PcFix, feces everywhere, legit the most dingiest fucking place alive>ask to get battery replaced > He goes in the back for fifteen to thirty minutes\n>Comes back, battery health is replaced and 100% capacity.>Ask if any parts were missing, they weren't. >Pay the 60$ and walk out <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>18m\n>have gf for first time\n>epic.png\n>be yesterday\n>think it's weird how she keeps resting her leg on my member>tell her yeah girls like to feel it rise>wif.jpeg\n>thatsgayasfyuck.gif\n>realize that she's more comfortable with the existance of my dick than I am<|endoftext|>
>applies reverse logic >realises women will never settle for him<|endoftext|>
>On an airplane to Asia >Sitting in my seat when I see this 400 pound sack of shit trying to sit between two Japanese cuties>Squeezes into his seat and immediately asks for a soda\n>That plane hasn't even took off yet, you fat cunt >With morbid curiosity I watch him intently, as he eats numerous meals, double snacks, three mini cartons of>Disgust, unending >Watch as he gets up to try and fit in the airplane toilet\n>Fits, barely >Comes back to the disgust of the Japanese girls and the stewardess>Is a smelly, disgusting pain in the ass the entire trip >By this point this fucking faggots existence is pissing me off>Can't stand it anymore, so when the plane lands I catch that fucker in the bathroom in Asia>Look him dead in the eyes and tell him how fucking much I hate him and how he needs to change his ways>I punch him, hoping to drive the point home >The mirror spiderwebs, and I cut my hand <|endoftext|>
>Be me >17 fem >Try to get abotion >Start to hear whispers in my ear\n>Look behind me  aos JP >Needle goes into my throat and I>Wake up >Im tied to a chair >Look around >See Ben Shapiro >Pulls bat out >Hits me so hard I cant move >Takes the baby out, no painkiller\n>Says \"Libtard, I will raise this baby\"\n>Bleed and die in the middle of nowhere\n>All I see is ben sapiro chant a magic spell, and the baby grows into a clone of Ben Shapiro>I die a few minutes later\n<|endoftext|>
>be 16 at new high school\n>months pass, still no fiends >people ignore me, bully me >decide to host movie night to make friends >people show up but don't like the movie >they tease me next day in school >no options left but to try another movie night >20 people show up just to make fun of me >put on my favorite Jim Carrey movie >they actually like it >next day in school people start defending me >\"hey dontt pick on anon, he's pretty cool\u201d >have a bunch of fiends now >mfw no one cared who I was until I put on \u201cThe Mask\u201d <|endoftext|>
>open server browser\n>hop around playing whatever map and gamemode you want eG I >settle in with a community>have fun gimmick rounds with each other\n>certain players start to distinguish themselves as the best of their role>the sight of these titans is enough to demoralize the other team>can spend hours every day playing with the same pool of players>it's completely feasible to develop your skills and become one of the best on the server>open matchmaking\n>game decides which players, map, and mode you'll be playing>everybody is streaming or in an external voice chat program>round ends and you'll never see them ever again <|endoftext|>
>be me >Viet Cong >hear Fortunate Son in distance\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>be me > actually have a really good life, get girls, etc> get sad every once in a while > go on 4chan and thank God I'm not like any of you degenerates> thx guys\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me >Be a useless sack of shit till I'm 18 >Start teaching myself math >For once in my lifetime I have self confidence >Feel like I'm literally unstoppable >Go to a restaurant >As I am paying the tab this genius idea crosses my mind >I write the definite integral of a polynomial as the tip >My logic at the time was that only someone who is good in math should deserve the tip>I smugly smile to the waitress expecting her to be confused or to >Instead she whips out her phone, types wolframalpha (I presume) and finds the solution in less than 20 seconds>Turns out that my mental estimate of 16$ was wrong and the tip actually amounts to about 300$ >Too ashamed to protest\n<|endoftext|>
>went to store 1 hour before closing>gather my shit and head to the >cashier solid 7/10 >start casual conversation about assholes who come in 5 mintues before closing, and about our>payed and about head out\n>she says \"you know, my shift is almost done\"\n>me \u201calright! have a good weekend, bye!\" <|endoftext|>
>Call Amazon customer service\n>I'm informed the call center guy is speaking from Egypt>Turns out to be the most professional, most polite call>Thank him a lot >\"Always at your service Sir\"\n>Before leaving I ask him if he's actually Egyptian\n>\"Yes\"\n>congratulate him on his perfect Italian\n>\"Thanks, I invite you to visit Egypt, the country of the the Sphinx and the Pyramids, one of the seven>Haha wow thanks!\n>\"I've worked with Italians before. You can visit my city which is located there near there, you'll love it>Thank him so much, and ask him his name again\n>He knows mine from the screen I felt /international/ love bliss bros. I now have a<|endoftext|>
>be me > first day as Redditfag > heard they\u2019re all smart > thought that I can learn something new from the comments> 1.4k upvotes >it said \u201cnice\u201d >Idon\u2019tgetit.jpeg >look at the second most upvoted comment\n> it said \u201cnice\u201d >look at the most downvoted comment >it said \u201cnice\u201d >mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>teacher assigns you a female partner\n>she is visibly upset  S>2Q2NKR201N # s>m2ARNnKRANAaI #<|endoftext|>
>Go out of map bounds\n>High level enemy spawns that kills you almost immediately<|endoftext|>
>be me <\u00a2 \\ >in bed S >can't sleep so I'm watching porn Y >) >cum>don't know what to do with the cum, the sink is too far away>heard that semen is really good for your skin>just rub it on my face as a joke and go to sleep\n>wake up the next day >mfw all of my pimples are gone <|endoftext|>
>be me, man >identify as a female because gender is a social construct>jack off >once I'm done, identify as male again >got jerked off by a gril >mfw got a handjob <|endoftext|>
>wife about to leave for holiday trip to Jamaica>almost finished downloading all my games I'll play when she's>working from home due to the >holiday trip to jamaica hahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH<|endoftext|>
>Add random guy >talk trash >says he wants to fight >says he lives in Chicago >at around 3am send him to a large park about 10 minutes away>\"I'm here, where you at ni a?\" >\"I've been waiting here you b ch, show yourself\"\n>keep insisting that I'm there and that he's flaking on the fight>tell him to scream so that I can locate him >sends me videos of him screaming at 3 am in chicago>send him a picture of my penis and call himafa ot\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >xboxfag >more of a casual gamer, just play every now and then>pretty good tho >enjoy my time, distracts me from >enter xxx_pu55ys1ayer_xxx >fucking chad >always joins my games without me inviting him\n>fucks up whatever I'm doing >makes fun of me >knows I'm a virgin >lol just get laid anon >fucking chad >one day I'm playing cod just doing my thing\n>he joins >\"lol 1v1 me bro\u201d >fucking fine >epicgamertime.jpg >I rain hell upon him with the force of a thousand virgins>he doesn't get a single kill >feelsgood.gif >he's fucking pissed >\"FuCkinG AiMbOt\" >starts cursing at me >makes fun of me >says I'll never get laid >oh that's it >the camel's back has shattered >plan devised >tell him I'm going to fuck his mom >\"...dude what?\" >I leave the game and start planning >I use my epic gamer skills to find out where this faggot lives>I show up to his house while he's at school\n>knock on the door >his mom answers the door with open arms\n>sweet lady, almost makes me feel bad for what I'm about to do>almost >we go into her living room and make conversation>laughing at all my jokes >I go in for the kiss >she hesitates at first but I'm persistent\n>manonamission >she gives in to my charm and kisses back\n>getting steamy >I penetrate her as soon as I hear the front door open>\"mom I'm home!\" >he walks in just to see me balls feel in the woman who spawned him>look of absolute horror and disgust on his face\n>he runs out of the house >mom's crying >I leave, my work done >mfw my brother finally stopped joining my games<|endoftext|>
>Race: human, white\n>Sex: male\n>Class: knight with a longsword<|endoftext|>
>2 years of progress undone in 2 weeks thats life<|endoftext|>
>had sex with my bf last night\n>sort of >he's very against \"sluts\" >thinks women should be virgins bla bla>so whatever i lied >anyway he was the worst lay i ever had in my life>dick was small yes but i've had small guys who made up for it in other ways>he fucked me for about 20 minutes >on and off because he didn't have stamina and needed to rest a bunch>it became clear he wasn't going to come from intercourse>told him to just jerk off >so he grabs his cock ridiculously tight like he was trying to strangle it>shouts \"mommy\" as he comes >mfw <|endoftext|>
>Be me q >Security guard at airport I >Fml every day same shit>Consider suicide at least twice a shift>She's walking a bit funny Suspicion.zip>Run metal detector on her while trying to cop a cheeky feel>Oh shit detector went off\n>Oh shit she looks nervous best investigate>Oh shit oh shit oh shit\n>mfw I just busted an international diamond smuggler<|endoftext|>
>be brain >chilling in some dude's head >he fell asleep wait check this out\n>AYO WE'RE FALLING BRO\n>jumpscare.exe >Imao go back to sleep dumbass\n<|endoftext|>
> Be playing Adventurers league a few years ago > had a cool DM who was very tolerant with our shit\n> we had a kid around the age of 11 in our group who was constantly sick> kid had some sort of disability which left him wheelchair bound and constantly in and out of> kid enjoyed playing D&D with us but it was usually difficult when he needed to go to the Hospital> our DM realized that it would be difficult to schedule arround this> our DM also knew how much this kid loved D&D. > so the DM decided to do something for the kid > the day before one of our sessions, the DM visited the kid at the hospital> the DM then gave the kid a gift > it was a laptop with a webcam that the DM bought for him> he told the kid that if he couldn't attend a session due to him being hospitalized, the kid could Skype us> the kid never missed a single session after that. <|endoftext|>
>finish cigarette\n>drop it in can >mfw it's the soda I just walked into the kitchen to get<|endoftext|>
>moaned while the nice haircut lady washed my hair<|endoftext|>
>Was going to kill myself today\n>Parents get me this cake for my birthday\n>Going to kill myself tomorrow\n<|endoftext|>
>be me saturday morning\n>carefully walking to bedroom with a cup full of coffee>realize fuck it, I can just yeet this cup, future me will have to clean it up>yeet said cup, coffee everywhere on carpet and bed>jerk off while laughing at cuck future me\n>mfw I'm future me <|endoftext|>
>me, 4 years ago >24 >disgustingly obese piece of garbage >best friend fit as hell >tells me i should lose weight, never pushing it on me too much tho>keep telling him i could, if i wanted to, but i don't care>yeah... sure... >one day he signs me up for gym membership and offers to pay for it>\"I just want a gym buddy, bruh. you don't have to do much, if you don't want to.\">okaythen.jpg >friend gets into car accident 2 days later >dies. >motherfucking dies. <|endoftext|>
>be me >sophomore in highschool >1999 >picked on EVERY. FUCKING. DAY\n>always \u201chaha you're a faggot anon\u201d \u201cfuck anon he\u2019s weird\u201d \u201cget>then one day something happened >something magical >suddenly I\u2019m not so weird >suddenly people say \u201chey anon how you doing today?\u201d \u201cHey anon there's a party at chads house>mfw columbine improved my highschool life 500% because these normies thought I was gonna<|endoftext|>
>Taliban is now running around with M4s decked in western-style operator gear,<|endoftext|>
>go walking to a new gym by my house everyday>its raining . >cute /fit/ receptionist asks>\"y-yeah s-s-sure\" >don't even have a car >oh god what do i do what do i do\n>in the parking lot keep getting deeper and deeper into the lie>stand in the parking lot for a few seconds\n>\"are you okay?\" she asks\n>start sprinting away from her\n>sprint all the way to my house\n>never been to that gym again <|endoftext|>
>be me 5'10 >at party chatting to 3 qts and a 61 lanklet>qts ask lanklet how tall he is\n>\"I'm 5'11\" bastard gives me the biggest shit eating grin>qts turn to me >jump in before they can ask me >\"that's not possible i'm 5'6 so you gotta be 5'9 at at most\">qts burst out laughing, lanklet starts spurting that he's actually 6'1>\"no way why would anon lie about being 5'6\" Dont fuck with me lanklets i can bring you down to<|endoftext|>
>Be me black\n>Be Lightskin\n>See dumb post on twitter saying cops e shouldn't stop black fights>Respond saying thats dumb\n>Respond saying i\u2019m black myself\n>She asks for a pic of my arm with a piece of paper with my twitter name>Send her said picture\n>Get told that I don\u2019t look black\n>Respond saying i\u2019m lightskin\n>She legit says \u201cThen your not actually black, You have more white genes>Tell her both of my parents are African American\n>She says they aren't black either\n>She blocks me after. <|endoftext|>
>pretend I'm Geralt >start mixing my protein shakes with strong alcohol like they're witcher potions>meditate in between sets >take notes of various creatures around the gym (roiders, hambeasts, lanklets, etc...) and their>try to haggle with the qt cashier for lower gym membership>loudly say \"damn you're ugly\" before lifts >lifts skyrocket >gains skyrocket <|endoftext|>
>turn 23 next week\n>graduated college pre corona\n>got big plans for a career, send out applications to the top spots>family and friends wish me luck everyone is rooting for me>my 8th month living at home\n>3 rejected applications\n>unemployment pay runs out soon\n>going to have to put real career on hold and pick up some other job<|endoftext|>
>be me >get banned from 4chan for 3 months\n>wack.jpg >unironically got a job >making some decent money and can pay for my own vidya ENS >actually met a girl and eventually we get>life is actually going pretty well >be 3 months later at work >realize that i've became a normie >decides to visit 4chan for old time sake >boss saw me scroll through some nsfw shit >gets fired >no more money >relationship in shambles cuz no money >at least i can post on 4chan again <|endoftext|>
>sleep for 12+ hours >wake up at noon >refresh the same few websites over >do absolutely fucking nothing >quit after a few minutes because i >continue refreshing 4chan and youtube for hours >go to sleep feeling like a tired corpse even though i <|endoftext|>
>be me il\n>cub scouts camping trip  oe >its getting dark>scout master tells us to get woodn I > shit for a bonfire  131kBJp _ >gO about 20 feet away from camp>see the perfect stick >grab it\n>its a rattlesnake tail\n>too retarded to run away\n>bring it over my head and swing it in circles\n>the snake can't come back and bite me\n>shout for help\n>everyone comes\n>sees me using a snake like a lasso\n>kids laughing, adults shitting pants\n>tell me to hit the snake against a tree as hard as I can>hope it breaks its neck -\n>whip its head at mach speed into the biggest tree I could find>head explodes\n>adults don't know whether to congratulate or punish (~~ >other kids think I'm hardcore\n>mfw my nickname was snake charmer from then on\n<|endoftext|>
>be me. 5'11\" 260 pounds. >my life consists of Sp 0 cleaning out the trashcans>know of a patient dying of cancer. been on a hospital bed for 3 weeks>he called me over yesterday. first time he's ever spoke to me. I'm listening intently>\"I don't know you but my dying wish for you is to lose all that fucking weight so you>he died today <|endoftext|>
> be me in high school\n>pretty good looking, but socially awkward, so no bitches>one day chatting with some asian girls>somehow the topic of chopsticks >want to make a joke about being too >Say something like, \"Nah, I can't use those, see how white I am?\">arms are actually pretty tan, so i pull my shirt up, because my chest is more pale>they all immediately stop laughing and stare at my chest>I realize they're starting at my abs\n>pull my shirt down\n>\"A-anon, show us how white you are again.\"\n>Suddenly have bitches <|endoftext|>
>Your daughter comes out as a lesbian>Your daughter comes out as a lesbian <|endoftext|>
>go to Christmas dinner\n>family tries to set me up with somebody>family dinner Alabama I presume<|endoftext|>
>Be accepted at Uni\n>File form for student residency\n>See \"for the purpose of placing you, please check your gender:\">Male\n>Female\n>Non-binary SASSI >Check female, even tho that's not>Apply for the female dorm\n>Get accepted\n>Be the only guy in the women's dorm\n>basically got my own personal harem\n>it's that simple\n<|endoftext|>
>be me  1 >smoke a joint with an old friend i hadnt>after we finish he eats a roach >he explains to me that it gets you 10x higher>mfw when i remember that 12 years ago itold him that fact as a joke>mfw he's been eating roaches for 12 years<|endoftext|>
>be me, 5 >in bed with my dad cause renovating\n>ask dad what he dreams about\n>\"hot girls, anon\" >suddenly get erection for some reason\n>dont know what an erection is >go to bathroom to pee >rub my dick by accident >feelsgoodman.jpg >fast forward 2 days >watching fashiontv for some reason >get erect >everyone around me >pulls out dick and start rubbing it >orgasm >no cum cause 5 >mom notices and screams \"ANON WHAT ARE YOU DOING\">gets beaten >fast forward a few years >discovers what masturbation and erection are\n>mfw i remember jerking off in front of parents <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>amateur MMA fighter\n>mostly just a hobby, do it to stay in shape etc. ' >also help train kids at the gym I>teaching 12-13 year old kid how to stand and hit pads, simple shit>kid has high-functioning autism\n>out of nowhere he looks at me and says \u201cHow high does the grass grow in Germany\u201d>Think it's just a weird autist question\n>\"I don\u2019t know, probably the same as here\u201d\n>About this high\u201d he then proceeds to give a full Nazi salute for 10 seconds>fuckingwotm8 I know you're on this website you little incel, I got<|endoftext|>
>start a restaurant in the US\n>adapt the european system where the tips are already>profit <|endoftext|>
>Be me >19 yo, 6/10 >Go out for Valentines Day with bestie of 3 years\n>9/10 >It's technically a date >Dinner and 50 Shades of Shit >Get ice cream afterwards >Give her a glass flower I bought earlier in the month\n>She loves it and we go for a walk >PULL OUT 5GUM: TRUTH OR DARE, pack >Her wrapper says to take a selfie with eyes closed >She does >I read mine >We laugh it off but I remember the glass flower base has a mirror on the bottom side Where's the most beautiful girl at tho?>Look at the mirrored base >Show her the mirrored base of the flower >We smile and kiss for the first time ever >She reads her the other part of her wrapper >\"What's the most romantic moment you've shared with the person next you?\"\n>\"This one right now\" >mfw how it feels to chew 5gum <|endoftext|>
> be middle school loner with no friends> close to summer holidays\n> all students were told to read the book> because school is inviting the obscure author of the book> he was the guest speaker during assembly\n> principal asks the school about what we thought of his book and questions about it> quiet, awkward silence\n> people were muttering nobody read it\n> felt bad for the author\n> told the author I enjoyed it and answered the questions> one question after another, only I answered\n> author was happy that I knew about the details\n> school staff felt less embarassed\n> after assembly classmates started to make fun of me> called kiss ass and book worm etc.\n> got the nickname ass-worm for the rest of the middle school<|endoftext|>
>Wake up looking at ceiling\n>Can't move in>Starts dancing on my chest\n>Utters these exact words \"I MAY BE DEAD, BUT AT LEAST I HAVE>Start laughing\n>He laughs with me\n>Kisses me on my nose \"See ya again, buttercup!!>Wake up with mv pants covered with semen <|endoftext|>
>crashing on couch at friends house>trying to sleep\n>hear him talking on phone in other room>he farts loudly >'did you hear that baby?\" >'you like it when daddy shits himself?\u2019 >'no im naked so it went ALL over the chair\u2019 >'not the same one from fajita night last week. My >quickly get up and leave >go home and take 20 boiling showers >still haven't replied to any of his texts or calls\n<|endoftext|>
>female coworker makes a joke at my expense about something I can't control (being bald)>I make a joke back about something she can control (being fat)>she goes home early and everybody is mad at me>broke up with gf a few weeks ago (I ended it)\n>coworkers were talking about their exes (working with women is Hell)>Ha ha, good one. Didn't you have a miscarriage because you're so fat?<|endoftext|>
>walking home from a party late one evening\n>several guys were following me, as my drunk ass managed to piss them off by>try to walk faster, to no avail, as I'm drunk as shit>eatch me in some random student neighbourhood>oh shit, my ass is about to be beaten >still in talking phase >leader is some blond guy with a beard, eyepatch, and some weird-ass accent>\"What sort of ruffians would be accosting someone outside our residence? Stand and>guys start yelling at them to fuck off, that I deserved to get my ass beaten>\"Very well, then. Draw steel, you blackguard!\u201d>all three of them draw rapiers on their belts\n>guys run >'I know not why those foul men sought your harm, but come and tell us the tale,>spend remainder of evening drinking mulled wine with lunatics>bunch of Swedish re-enactors live there blond guy is actually missing an eye; lost it>stagger home completely drunk with a hat <|endoftext|>
>college student\n>Comes home for summer 6~I >Cleans old high school room so it>finds old flash drive from when I was in middle school>Plugs it in\n>Finds shit ton of pictures of a little boy naked and posing>Wtf\n>Realizes the kid in pictures are younger me\n>Finds word document\n>\u201cHello anon, glad to see you again. Take these pictures and sell them online to make bank. It's not>Destroy flash drive >Crinae so fucking hard\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>21\n>super straight male\n>get horny one night and decide to go use the local glory hole>actually kinda enjoy it otherside moans>it's a guy's moan\n>realize ive been sucking a man's cock this entire time<|endoftext|>
>be me >Tuesday at school >it\u2019s 5th period and I\u2019m bored as >turn to my friend and say \u201cdon't >next day I get called into the >start talking about how they think I\u2019m dangerous >mfw May 2nd is a fucking sunday <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>recently moved because of job opportunity, no gf, no friends in>every friday, order a pizza from local pizzahut>give delivery guy a different \u201cchallenge\u201d every time they bring a pizza, with a>always make them america-related\n>start easy. draw an american flag for 5$\n>slowly make them more and more challenging, increasing reward as time goes on>\"recite the preamble for 20$\"\n>\"tell me your personal opinion on the 2nd amendment for 10$\">etc etc\n>this goes on for a few months until pretty much every employee in the resturaunt that has done a>yesterday, get in pretty bad car accident\n>wake up in hospital today. told by nurse that a few people came by to visit, mainly coworkers>some of them left a pizza\n>mfw there's a pizza on a table in the room of the same type that i always get>mfw it's got an american flag on it and a \u201cget well soon\" card with signatures from the entire<|endoftext|>
>Go to the doctor for physical\n>Have to see female nurse practitioner, because regular doctor>Are you sexually active Anon? >Smiles I didn't just mean recently >Give her blank stare\n>She immediately transitions to somberly questioning me on my mental health<|endoftext|>
> be me; white kid\n> live in stralya; status quo \" > make sure ground-harness is strapped D > go for walk> niceweather.png\n> walking down this narrow path\n> black guy was jogging behind me, so i move to the side to let him pass> without even slowing down or looking at me, he goes, \"much obliged my nigga\" and keeps jogging> mfw a black guy called me their nigga <|endoftext|>
>be me > horny 14 year old > playing Smash Melee with gf\n> jokingly say \u201cif I win you're giving me a handjob\u201d> beat her because girls can\u2019t game for shit > celebrating.ogg > \u201canon do you still want that handjob?\u201d > holup.mov > I didn\u2019t think she would take it seriously but fuck yeah> whip out my dick > she jacks me off for a while > feelsprettygoodman > she suggests a blowjob > fuck yes > stop her before I\u2019m about to bust > ask if she wants to fuck > she does > pull out the condoms because I was a responsible retard back then> we start fucking (both being virgins) > once I finish we go back to playing melee <|endoftext|>
>tell her I'm a virgin\n>not actually a virgin, have had plenty of sex>but when she thinks it's my first time, she's very gentle and>when I act all amazed when I touch boobs \"for the first time\u2019, it actually feels more special to me>I love how caring she is and how she takes the lead if she thinks she's deflowering me>when I finish, she cuddles with me and calls mea good boy<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>gay retarded 4 yr old still not potty trained>fucking obsessed with trains\n>grandmagetsidea.jpg >holyactualfuck.gif\n>potty trains in less than a week\n>gets to go on train\n>loudly asks grandma if everyone else on the train pooped too<|endoftext|>
>be me >22 yo >overweight beta loser >decide to fuck it all and get my life in control>get new clothes >go to the gym >sweat dripping off me >can't feel my legs >a couple of chads walk by >hear one of them say to the other\n>\"What a fat loser\" >He's technically right >I am losing a lot of fat <|endoftext|>
>Be me >teach grandma what cringe means\n>fast forward months later >I show her the meme I made\n>She calls it cringe <|endoftext|>
>start youtube channel >your very first video is going to be you sitting in front of a high quality camera looking presentable>half the screen is going to show a videogame\n>title of the youtube video: \"REAL Bank Robber Critiques GTAS Bank Heist Mission\">you're gonna commentate over the gta5 intro and say shit like \"yeah thats pretty realistic they'd have>pause the cutscene every now and then and say some shit like \"back when i hit the bank, the cops>your next videos are going to be you critiquing similar scenes from other games or movies>then your videos are going to be QandA about prison life>before you know it you're at 350k subs and growing and all you do is talk into a camera about prison>enjoy making more money than all of us <|endoftext|>
>working at McDonald's >*autistic kid appears* >screams all the time : CHICKEN MCNUGGETS>wants a happy meal with nuggets\n>gave him 5 instead of 4 cuz of my kindness>he noticed >*autistic screeching* >wanted a new one with only 4 nuggets <|endoftext|>
>go to buy some weed\n>dealer invites me up for dabs\n>tells me \u201cjust a heads up I have a gun out\u201d>walk up to his apartment\n>don\u2019t know what to talk about, ask him what type of guns he has>\"uhh I have a 9mm pistol I don\u2019t know the brand\n>take a dab and buy my weed I\u2019m just now realizing that it was a threat, not a<|endoftext|>
>walking with my boyfriend >we walk past these sorority looking Kardashian clone looking>I ask my boyfriend if he finds girls like that attractive>His fucking response: \"if I could attract girls like that I wouldn't be with you\">He refuses to apologize >I tell him if he doesn't take that back he's not getting sex>He just shrugs and says \"ok\" >Still isn't saying sorry <|endoftext|>
>My sister laughed at me saying that i have an ass like the>A girl once pinched my ass while >On highschool excursion i had to find whores prostitutes in the middle of Athens>Bro, dont take this the wrong way, but you have a nice ass>A hot girl i was flirting with once said that i have a better ass than her, and then grabbed it with both>A drug detective said that i should never EVER go to jail, even the guards will want a piece of my ass<|endoftext|>
>have somewhat stable social circle in uni>get along with this one grill\n>she gives me a book for >for some reason never open it >weeks go by, she keeps asking about the book\n>quickly look up plot summary on wiki so that I can pretend I'm reading it>she's visibly annoyed and angry, says \"you probably never even opened it\">insist that I read it, our relationship slowly deteriorates>we get our degrees and don't stay in touch >fast forward six years >find book while cleaning my apartment >decide to read it >find a little romantic note inside about how much I mean to her etc>mfw book is pretty boring\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me, be 27 years old >Girl from my college wants to try mutual masturbation together>I'm totally caught off guard, I haven't jacked off in about a week>I decide to jack off before I go meet her, so that I don't ruin what might be my only sexual>Zoom ahead a few hours >She jacks me off, it is primo shit, absolutely rad\n>I cum a HUGE PILE OF JIZZ >I say \"Shit, sorry, that's way more than I expected\u201d\n>she responds \"I was expecting a lot more\" >I look at her and say \"You watch too much hentai, dude.\"<|endoftext|>
>Someone asks to see the book I'm>I hand it too them and ask them to be>\"HUH?\" they dumbly reply as they open the book as wide as they can, cracking<|endoftext|>
>Be you\n>Reddit Fag\n>Looking for some juicy morsels for r/greentext to raise your karma by 10 like>Post this one faggot. I'll be watching. <|endoftext|>
>Be me, selling coffee at a stand in the hospital>suddenly he starts talking hebrew (it's isreal here im a kikeanon)>tells me about how he and a bunch of other guys in some soviet union won 20 agaisnt 100, how he>amm ok here's your coffe\n>asks me to punch his belly, i heistently do so\n>it's hard as steel, dude atlest 60\n>he reachs for a handshake\n>grabs my thunb between two of his fingers\n>grip is fucking STEEL, he says \"see? Broken\" and laughs>he walksaway <|endoftext|>
>be me >homeless >produce house music Feels Goodman.jpg<|endoftext|>
>trump gets impeached >trump resigns >pence becomes president >pence pardons trump >pence appoints new vice-president, donald trump>pence resigns >trump becomes president >trump appoints new vice-president, mike pence<|endoftext|>
>be 17 >be chatting in group chat with friends>be sending some memes\n>accidently send a meme to mom\n>shieeet.jpeg >explain to mom >mom sends a rare pepe >allmywut.jpeg >turns out mom knows alot about good memes\n>now we send memes to eachother almost daily\n>never been happier all my life >pic related <|endoftext|>
>be dad >Have gay son >Ok still love him it's 2022\n>Meet his BF from >Just know\n>Fuck wife >Break down crying midsex <|endoftext|>
>have cat >cat wanna be pet\n>petting makes cat happy\n>i'm happy <|endoftext|>
>really hot girl in class\n>decide to work up the courage to speak to her>\"H-hey.. c-can I borrow your pen for a second?\">realize I dont even have >shes staring at me >My mind is racing what to do >Draw a penis on my hand >give her back her pen and walk away\n<|endoftext|>
>be me > You are now me\n> Have fun with you terrible life <|endoftext|>
>friend sends me ig test >okay ill do it > finish test and get 75 iq >i cant show this to my friend >i do the test again knowing answers\n>get 73 >mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>visit france\n>they use \"le\" unironically <|endoftext|>
>have pain in heart \u201c1 >feels like bad back ache>take blood pressure 190/120\n>go to hospital\n>\"you had a heart attack, anon\"  intake of Krispy Kreme's by 50%?? y\u00bb >beme<|endoftext|>
>be me, 19\n>gets called cute, funny, smart\n>both my roommates are women\n>they wonder why I never had a gf * >never felt ready<|endoftext|>
>have office job\n>boss tells me about new employee>meet her >she asks my name i ask her >her name is \"candice\"\n>think if gonna get pranked\n>say \"yeah haha candice dick fit in yo mouth\"\n>she looks disgusted\n>says \"ugh\" and walks to boss' office\n>writing this at my desk, am i fucked? <|endoftext|>
>this shit is my jam, green chile on >tall white dude comes up to my spic ass\n>\"Hey, anon. Could you roll my burrito for me? I don't know how.\">\"Hm? Oh, yeah, sure.\"\n>neatly portion out the proper amount of beans into each tort, tuck, and roll some nice burritos for him>\"You have to tuck in the bottom like this so nothing spills out.\">\"Oh, cool. Thanks, dude.\"\n>\"No problem.\"\n<|endoftext|>
>girl I know is nursing student\n>solid 9/10 >tells me she knows how to test for testicular cancer and can>tell her I learned in health class in high school and can do myself<|endoftext|>
> be 14 y/o me\n> find 4chan\n> everyone calls each other autistic and gay> \"this is stupid\" > ffw 3 years > realize I'm gay > ffw another year > get diagnosed with autism > mfw > I'm home bois\n<|endoftext|>
>be me > shoot porn occasionally > fuck some hot chick > she has a husband, but whatever we sex\n> cameraman is a stoner, kinda weird but good at his job> husband hears rumors, tries to catch us in the act> hear he has found out where we are\n> oshit.jpeg > we hide while the cameraman tries to save the situation> \"sorry, but your princess is in > he buys it >mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>played jazz sax >could reliably hoop a free throw >ordered fried chicken on every Airforce One flight\n>almost lost his job over some phat white ass Was Bill Clinton the first black president?<|endoftext|>
>on date with qt boy\n>we get indian food\n>he orders chicken korma with rice\n>\"i can't eat rice, it reminds me of maggots\">\"yeah, when i have rice in my mouth i just think of that video with the guy with maggot invested gums\">\"i've never seen that\"\n>show him the video\n>he excuses himself and goes to the bathroom\n>ten minutes later i ask a male waiter to check on him>\"there's no one in the bathroom, miss\"\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>be me femanon\n>regularly donate blood\n>blood has probably been given to a guy at some>basically touched a guy\u2019s boner <|endoftext|>
>Scamming lying asshole now I n my country <|endoftext|>
>be me >live on second floor >want a drone so bad think theyre cool\n>dad buys drone >wants to surprize me >he comes with the drone to my window\n>im jerking off >see drone >start fucking screaming >dad starts screaming >crashes drone >what to do now\n<|endoftext|>
>be me > 18yo > first blow job > feelsamazing > cums buckets in her mouth  z > she swallows EIN ee > your cum tastes really bad anon> haha I know What have I done<|endoftext|>
>hey guys it's critical >today we are taking yet another clip from my live stream of me watching a youtube video that somebody else made>also, for comedic effect, I will stretch the image on the youtube thumbnail for the billionth time>please laugh\n<|endoftext|>
>parents wanted to give us similar names>twin was named logan >parents had a wide selection of L names to choose from>and they named me fucking LAROLD\n<|endoftext|>
>moaned while the nice haircut lady washed my hair<|endoftext|>
> Be me Oo > Goes downstairs to the condo's> 9/10 girl on one of the treadmills\n> Says hi besides her> She's perfect: 1.60m/ mid to large boobs / brunette> We're both running and share some glances\n> She finishes her exercise\n> Smiles at me before leaving and says \"goodbye\"\n> feelsgoodman.jpg <|endoftext|>
>be me\n> 24\n> go to the park with my nephew and my niece> let them do their dumb shit while keeping a keen eye on them.> Creepy guy in his 30s presumably comes up to them.> creepy dead eyes\n> hairline is fucked\n> fat cunt\n> they aren't to far off so I can hear their conversation.> \u201chey do you two like animals?\u201d\n> They're kids so of course they say yes.\n> \u201coh nice I work at a zoo and I work with all types of animals.\u201d> I call out to my nephew to come to me.\n> I say \u201cMake sure that fucker doesn\u2019t do anything over the line\u201d> He nods\n> Before he reaches the creepy guy I hear the creepy guy say to my niece> \u201cWhen you're in high school, the boys will be all over you. Maybe I could teach you a thing or two> grabs her waist\n> Nephew gives me a look\n> I immediately run to the fucker and grab him by the neck and slam him down.> \u201cwhat the hell are you doing? I'm going to call the fucking police on you asshole\u201d> punch the cunt once\n> knocks him out\n> people gather around\n> police arrive and arrest him\n> my niece asks me what he meant by the high schoo! thing> \u201che was talking about math and how all the boys will help you with it\u201d> she asks \u201cokay then why did you punch him\u201d\n> \u201cit's my job to help you with math not him\u201d And that's really it. If you guys see any people like<|endoftext|>
>be me, 20, never had a girlfriend/been with a girl before>decide to have a kickback at my >one of my best friends, who i've known since 7th grade is there>she's just chilling with her head in my lap, which is normal since we're pretty close>solid 7/10, always had feelings for her, just too awkward to make a move, and i figured she was>I pass my controller to one of my friends when all the sudden she pulls me down>kisses me on the cheek, and after the initial shock I kiss her back>we end up making out for a couple of minutes, and spend the rest of the night in each others arms>texts me the next day to tell me that she\u2019s had feelings for me for a long time, but she was too>I tell her the same thing <|endoftext|>
>start watching Episode 1 >immediately turn off show and leave negative review online<|endoftext|>
>I-I used to be a millionaire you know! >It w-was in t-this thing called crypto currency! It was the future!<|endoftext|>
>be a fren in a discord server >a non fren there >the non fren is super toxic and makes me sad>playing league of legends like always in discord group>pretend to laugh at all toxic non >he's feeling good >starts being toxic towards enemy team >i laugh and say over voice >now is the time i strike >'call their adc a nigger\" >he laughs and calls them nigger >report him after the game with a support ticket\n>next day in discord >he is freaking out >his account has been perma banned >he had a beta account and had the retail skins\n>non fren deleted\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me 215 QoQ >My friend group decides we are all>Can't think of anything to say >\"Anon, its your turn\" >Panic >Dumbidea.jpg >I say \"You have a nice ass\" >Everyone starts laughing >mfw she genuinely looks happy to have her ass >Mission succeeded <|endoftext|>
>Senior year\n>Perfect plan\n>Me and my friend\n>We start fighting in the men showers>Kick, punch and push each other all the way to the womens>Burst inside\n>Keep fighting pretending we didn't even realize>Naked girls come rushing and grab us to stop<|endoftext|>
>girl I've been paying $600 a month to be my girlfriend says she's caught>gave me back $1800 out of the $3000 I've paid so far>wants to see me more often now >What do I do now? enjoy your gf for free?<|endoftext|>
>be me, have a pretty hot girlfriend >use snapchat a lot with her, she\u2019s basically the only person i snap>send her a picture of myself with a boarder of black hearts>turns out i accidentally sent it to a friend i >mfw >minor inconvenience\n>gUYs I Am AuTlsTlIc <|endoftext|>
>specifically designed to kill Jedi>not even one Jedi was killed by it<|endoftext|>
>be me >playing black flag on ps5 >really like black flag >wife comes in >starts watching tik tok after tik tok >hour goes by >she looks at tv >Im in an epic ship battle >anon you should do something more productive with your time\n>leaves room <|endoftext|>
>be epstein. >chilling in cell >clintons come in, forcefully cover you in oil\n>they leave >that was weird but okay, at least they didn't kill me.>the sprinkler turns on >shoot upwards and break neck on ceiling\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >\"depressed\" 12 year old\n>decide i want to kill myself\n>family planning to go to the beach>prepare my final plan >get to beach >go inside water >scream \"goodbye forever\" >throw AA battery into the sea >mfw still alive >everybody laughing at me for being retarded\n>mfw I'm probably retarded <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>on airplane fe >3 muslims are sitting in>two of them get up and\n>as one passes me, he says \u201csoon we will all see allah.\u201d>he gets to the front of the plane and starts reciting the koran>he ended up converting 12 people to islam<|endoftext|>
>Be black ved >Be on phone with bank to try to get>Have best white voice on\n>Going well, looks like it's going to go through>\"Well, what had happened was-\"\n>Fuck\n>Pause on other end\n>\"It looks like it went through, but please be advised that we may not be able to do this for you in the future.\">\"Th-thanks\" That was a close one.<|endoftext|>
>Be American in 1800's >Don't know jack shit about trees  Se >Ask the Aussies to supply some Ssva>vyvy<|endoftext|>
>be me, just an average white guy >go to visit my grandpa >tell him I have a gf >show him picture of her >he gasps and then smiles, patting me on the back\n>\"you're dating an Asian woman? She's beautiful anon!\u201d>grandpa\u2019s all excited, weirdest I\u2019ve ever seen him\n>\"come here boy, let\u2019s have a talk\u201d >sits me down on the porch and cracks open an Arnold Palmer for me and himself>proceeds to tell me about all of his sexual experiences in Vietnam>admits to fucking a dead Vietnamese woman with his buddy>had an orgy with 7 Vietnamese women at once\n>admitted to fucking \u201cat the very least\u201d 100 Vietnamese women during his time in Vietnam>apparently has never told my father about these things and to quote \u201ckeep it between us\u201d<|endoftext|>
> be me\n> have bl3 pre loaded on console\n> day before launch, cant sleep > spring out of bed > grab controller > manually roll forward date on console to 9/13 BI3.exe> still won't start <|endoftext|>
>seeing some girl recently\n>go to her house to fuck her again\n>while we are cuddling ask her what's on her mind>tells me that she likes me\n>tells me how she likes to kiss me,hold me, how she likes me eyes, my laugh, the>we don't fall asleep until 5am\n>leave her house around 7am\n>keeps saying she doesn\u2019t want me to go\n>driving back to my place the feelings hit me\n>tfw you\u2019ve been emotionally deprived for the first 19 years of your life>tfw you thought you would end up alone and a loser but you managed to turn out just fine>tfw you realize you aren\u2019t alone in this world\n>tfw you matter to someone <|endoftext|>
>be 22\n>start dating blonde. 7/10\n>shes quirky but fun\n>dat ass >second date >go to her place\n>shewantstheD jpeg >go down on her >things are going well >she stops me, wants to roleplay\n>blindfolds me, we're playing doctor >kinky but okay >feel pressure around my ass >pull off blindfold >orazy bitch is shoving 3 - 4 plastic horses into my asshole\n>she says my condition is \"stable\"\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >13 >social outcast with no social skills who everyone makes fun of>at a school party >everyone\u2019s dancing, I just >a stacy from my class comes up >asks me to dance with a smug look on her face\n>autism kicks in >just stand there and stare at her for a solid 5 seconds>then just turn and walk the other way as fast as I can>next day in class >overhear the girl talking with her friends >hear her say that her plan was to embarass me but got embarrassed herself for being rejected by>mfw my autism inadvertently made me look like a chad>take that stacy\n<|endoftext|>
> >Be me, southern european, went to the US to Colorado>In supermarket >Buy Beans, lots of fresh leafy greens, carrots, tomatoes, onions>Go to cashier >She has her nails polished, curly hair, little fat>\"You eat healthy hun?\" >\"No\" >\"What do you mean, this looks pretty healthy\">'This is just normal people food\" <|endoftext|>
>be me >riding my motorcycle >get hit by a car >damn it hurts but I walk it off\n>the girl that hit me is hammered\n>call 911 because she has a massive gash on her head>she's off to the ambulance >after the crash we get to know each other\n>she's tall, blonde and cute >we begin to date after 6 months of talking >3 years later >got married and my wife just got pregnant. We have a house on the bottom of a beautiful hill>reminds me of Bliss >kek >1 year later >my 3 month old son is growing so fast. >drive him to the doctor's office for a checkup\n>turn left >a car heading towards me >I swerve out of the way holding my son >I wake up in a hospital >I had gotten into a motorcycle crash 3 weeks ago\n>but wasn't In a car? >been in a coma the whole time >I ask what happened to the driver >she died <|endoftext|>
>Be me. >Go for a walk because I\u2019m not a shut in virgin.>Walk by trailer park for some human entertainment.>Girl comes running up to me. >Tells me her dog is dying and she needs help.\n>Fucker jumped in the pool and didn\u2019t know how to swim.>Luckily I'm an EMT in training. >Grab big ass golden retriever out of pool. >Pretty sure its dead. >Give the dog CPR. >He's not responding but I keep at it. >Girl calls 911. >Turns out they don\u2019t send ambulances for dogs.\n>Just before I'm about to carry it to her car he starts coughing.>Throws up all over me. >Girl comes running over and hugs dog. >His tail starts wagging. >Girl thanks me. >Gives me a hug. >Tells me she'd kiss me if she didn't have a boyfriend.>Respect her relationship and leave with my head held high.<|endoftext|>
>new neighbors just moved right > LS, im >they tell me to not use WiFi \u2018Gemeie )  because their son has WiFi<|endoftext|>
>at a party >sitting alone and petting dog because aspergers.jpg>cute 6/10 with nice tight bod comes  i > \u201chehe are you more of a dog person than> \u201chehe a holes a hole to me\u201d <|endoftext|>
>chinese surveillance system checking peolpe on>scans guy\n<|endoftext|>
>meet cute girl >we're talking about anime >she asks for recommendations\n>recomend scat hentai as a joke\n>blocked before I can even explain <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>or not be me <|endoftext|>
>kanye kicks everyone out of the band>\"there's only one direction\n>tfw it's west\n<|endoftext|>
>be felix kjellberg\n>be talentless, unskilled collage dropout hotdog seller>upload your stupid face to some video streaming website while>worth tens of millions just >collage Who's the uneducated one<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>in college\n>talking to qt3.14 kites > run out of topics>decide to lie to keep >tell her I have a goldfish pond in my backyard>wutdafuqms.jpg\n>\"That's so cool, you think I could come see it sometime?\">howdidthatwork.png\n>exchange numbers, realize what I've done>go home and promptly dig a goldfish pond and fill it with water>get necessary items from pet store (filter, plants, goldfish, etc.)>pond is fucking amazing\n>go to contact girl\n>girl never responds to my calls/texts\n>3 years later I'm still taking care of 14 goldfish in my back yard>one has had babies and two more are pregnant>mfw the goldfish are having more sex than me<|endoftext|>
>be me, 23yo, shy cunt >spent three years in a toxic >ex dumped me for some swaggot >apparently ended poorly (who would've thought?) >texted me some time back that she missed me >left her on read and moved on, still feeling a >ran into her at local market today >she came up to me (even though I did my best to >tries initiating conversation >something inside me gets ignited >\"I'm sorry, do I know you?\" >she's confused and goes \"are you fucking kidding, >\"Ooh, shit, I didn't recognize you! THAT'S what >I walk off without saying anything else to her >saw her walking out bawling her eyes out >I feel closure and empowerment, anons >I think I'm ready for the dating scene again <|endoftext|>
>Try to start a Youtube >Post every day >30 days in >Embarrassed about my videos\n>only viewer is mom <|endoftext|>
>/b/ me >write incredibly long greentext about the >go to post it >put this stupid picture of this fish in a >file was too big\n>lost the story <|endoftext|>
>9/10 coworker says she needs to take a piss but the toilets are under>forget I'm not on the internet and almost say \"why don't you piss in<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>edgelord troll when im bored\n>usually shitpot on /pol /b and /r9k to have fun>be a couple of days ago >shitmypants.jpg\n>they say they got an anonymous tip concerning something I posted on the internet>know the anonymous tip doesn't exist because I only shitpost on 4chan where nobody knows my>know my edgy posts are fake so I could answer their questions and clear my name>they ask me something about a shed\n>realize this is about an edge posting bender I had some days ago where I mentioned my shed was full>don't even have a shed let alone a single gun so let them snoop around so they realize they're wasting>they apologize for the inconvenience and leave Anons, we're not really anons in here<|endoftext|>
>Minecraft was released 10 years ago>2011 was 10 years ago\n>the last Naruto episode was 4 years ago>I was young 10 years ago\n>I had friends 10 years ago\n>parents were healthy 10 years ago\n>gramps were alive 10 years ago\n>The world was so beautiful and brimming with life 10 years ago<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>move to Britain\n>get job op q >get paid in GBP = >goodboypoints??>goodboypoints.\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >be in 5th grade >class is planning field trip, need money\n>everyone needs to bring 20 dollars >go home, ask mom for 30 dollars so I can have 10 dollars extra for myself>mom doesn't believe me, goes to friend's house who lives on the same street>ohshit.gif >comes back angry, saying I need to pay more attention in class meetings>tfw I found out my friend told his parents that he needed 50 dollars<|endoftext|>
>get a call from random number\n>\"Greetings, am I speaking to mister anon?\">\"Yes\"  \u00bb >'We would like to inform you>wait until they finish >\"I'm sorry I couldn't quite hear you\" >they are forced to repeat it >do this for about 4 times >finally say \"Sorry, I am not interested.\" >hang up <|endoftext|>
>'Nice play Mr. Bond, however you did not announce you were almost finished, so now you are two cards<|endoftext|>
>male\n>5 ft 4\n>indian\n>near sighted\n>negative canthal tilt\n>recessed chin\n>balding\n>janitor career\n>hooked nose\n>skinny fat with bad gynecomastia\n>cant grow a beard. Only patches\n>poor\n>no friends/no siblings\n>crooked teeth\n>forward head posture\n>small penis\n>pencil neck\n>high functioning autism <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>in private school\n>super small only has about 50 students>all normies who have never lifted life>wait in back of gym\n> other team takes out all of my team except me It'stime.jpg> plug headphones in\n>start blasting doom soundtrack Rip&tear.jpg>take first ball\n>rip it into first nerd\u2019s face\n>break his jaw and knock out teeth\n>kid starts pouring blood and crying\n>other kids are screaming\n>start ripping balls randomly , shattering teeth and cracking ribs>after the last kid gets knocked out I get restrained by teachers>throw a hook into teacher\u2019s face\n>hear bone crack\n>get kicked out of school\n> not allowed to teach ever again\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>friend torrents black panther, we're about to watch it>me: \"so is this actually good or just overhyped\">me: \"i bet there's basketball, rap, and slavery references within the first 2 minutes\">him: \"pfbpfptf i don't think they'd go that far man\"\n>me: \u201cno seriously i bet there is.\u201d\n>him: *awkward silence and a weird look*\n>we start the movie\n>1 minute of scifi backstory, includes a reference to slavery>followed by basketball and rap\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>{et outyourteat >ilfe fs flashing thraugh your eyes >nut all over everyone >yourlast words are \u201cshit? <|endoftext|>
>never ask anyone out\n>never get rejected\n>basically irresistible haha who's the chad now<|endoftext|>
>Took me to the gym >Encouraged me to go out and get exercise even if it's just walking the dog>can't lift shit at first but progress becomes noticeable>enjoy the walks through nature with my pup\n>dad encourages me to do martial arts >join MMA gym doing mostly Muay Thai >pretty much addicted to it >love the pain >changes his eating habits to help me get used to new healthy diet>losing fat fast >gaining mass fast >confidence through the roof >every milestone he gets excited with me >no longer depressed >he tells me he's proud of me <|endoftext|>
>download [game] >go [out]  (FAME >[commit crime]>go home >play [game] >post it to reddit\n<|endoftext|>
>look >HEY look guys look >those idiots are walking out >pffft morons obviously haven't seen a marvel movie before>omg guys this is it >holy shit >wow is that Thor with his cock in Dr. Strange's mouth>I can't wait to tell everyone on r/marvel >you guys do realize how much better we are than everyone else for waiting on the post credit scene>pull all your dicks out guys let's jerk off to it while we can<|endoftext|>
>\"Rey.....Rey Skywalker\u201d Absolute garbage. I left the theater after I heard it<|endoftext|>
> Mom's friend's daughter comes to stay with us while see is> 19 yo qt with long black hair > One day we are alone at home\n> We are watching videos, Robocop\n> She stops the movie and says she has something to show me> Puts in another video, smiles and press play\n> Porno. Never seen a porno before, don't know why she is showing me this> Tell her to put Robocop on again\n> Watch Robocop in silence\n> Awesome movie <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>23 year old male\n>poo fetish\n>usally order the goods from websites specialised for this>moved to detroit recently\n>couldnt take the poo with me\n>ordered new poo online\n>package didnt arrive\n>ask ups they say it has been delivered\n>wtf?\n>check security cammera\n>some porch pirate stole the fucking package\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>Be me 21\n>At food store to get food >Go up to cash register >7/10 q{3.14 working >buy food >iry to say \u201cThank you\" >MFW autism strikes >She responds \u201cYou Too >We realise we are both autistic\n>she Is now my gf of 2 years <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>4th grade\n>bring 3 sharpners to school\n>friend tells me thats a lot of sharpners\n>bring 3 more sharpners the next day\n>friend gives me his sharpner to grow my\n>start collecting more and more sharpners>go to stationary every week to by more sharpners\n>collect about 70 sharpners by the end of the month\n>start bringing a tiny bag to carry thoes sharpner\n>english teacher asks for a sharpner\n>offer her the bag thinking she'd be impressed\n>sees all my sharpners and writes a note to my parents\n>only allowed to bring 1 sharpner\n>idea.jpg\n>make a huge sharpner out of cardboard\n>dad helps me to color it with red and silver spray paint\n>display it on my table during the english period\n>get sent to the office <|endoftext|>
>be me 10 years old, it's 2001 in >playing in the street with my good >the road is a hill & my house is near the top\n>woman comes speeding down road so we all scatter & call her a bitch>she lives half way down the hill & parks at the side of the road>gets out & calls us little shits etc. & goes inside\n>one day I notice some keys outside her house & because I'm a good boy I knock her door to give>she doesn't even open the door, just tells us to fuck off her property>get an idea\n>wait until night time, unlock her car & let off her handbrake>car begins to roll down hill & we all run away\n>car picks up speed & goes straight into a house at bottom of the road>all shit our pants but go home & deny all knowledge>police come & arrest woman as she's really drunk & accuse her of leaving handbrake off>never got in trouble for it\n>be nice to kids\n<|endoftext|>
>be me Oo >kissless virgin>have crush on qt3.14\n>she\u2019s really quiet and a little awkward like me>ask her out like the autist that I am\n>she says yes\n>happiness.mp4\n>great time at prom\n>drop her off at her house\n>lean in for kiss\n>success\n>fast forward a few days\n>kiss her again and this time she hugs me back\n>very tender hug\n>realize she really likes me Feels good man<|endoftext|>
>be me >cub scouts camping trip >its getting dark >scout master tells us to get wood n >see the perfect stick >grab it >its a rattlesnake tail >too retarded to run away >bring it over my head and swing it in circles >the snake can't come back and bite me >shout for help >everyone comes >sees me using a snake like a lasso >kids laughing, adults shitting pants >tell me to hit the snake against a tree as hard as I can>hope it breaks its neck >whip its head at mach speed into the biggest tree I could find>head explodes >adults don't know whether to congratulate or punish me>other kids think I'm hardcore >mfw my nickname was snake charmer from then on\n<|endoftext|>
>Playing MMO >Walk up to rando\n>Start jumping >They jump too <|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>recently got back in touch with cute goth girl I used to know in HS>both liked each other but never got together>we are hanging out in her bedroom\n>she's flirting a lot and we start making out on her bed>bout to have the sex\n>I'm completely naked and she\u2019s in her underwear>hear her front door open\n>freaks out and makes me hide in the closet>her mom walks in\n>she talks with her mom for a bit while I hide in the closet>her mom asks who owns the clothes but she says she bought them>\"I'll put them in the wash, you should never wear things you've just bought>her mom takes my clothes and washes them>still hiding in closet\n>mom asks her to help her pick up her little brother from football>they both leave and lock the door <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>20y/o\n>family was talking about cars\n>\"yeah i still don\u2019t get why the exhaust continues to release smoke when>family stares in shock smoke for the engine to work\u201d>mfw i thought cars were boosted by the smoke released from the exhaust<|endoftext|>
>Be me, Japan >Enslave women to become sex slaves\n>Massacre 14m innocent POWs >Attack Pearl Harbor despite US being neutral\n>Commit many more war crimes >Get nuked >Everyone forgets about my war crimes\n>Don't get punished >Sympathy from everyone\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>recently broke up with gf\n>feel sad af\n>try online dating\n>meet this girl online >ask her on a date >date a few times, kisses n stuff\n>one day after going out for dinner she asks me to come at her place for coffee>gonnahavesex.jpg\n>she tells me she's into bondage\n>accept, not really my thing but I guess I can try\n>tells me to close my eyes\n>i do\n>feel her tying my hands\n>places a blindfold on my head\n>bed begins to shake and creak\n>wtf.jpg\n>feel a cold breeze hit my face\n>i can smell a strong scent of pinewoods\n>remove the blindfold from my eyes\n>mfw i'm about to be sentenced to death with other prisoners>mfw i turn around and see todd howard running away while removing his fake wig>mfw i'm now in skyrim <|endoftext|>
>Goes to prostitute >\"Alright honey what do ya want? >I-I was wondering if you would come see a m- >\"A movie? Like some kinky sex tape or >N-no I wanted to know if you can come see Joker >\"So you want me to suck ya cock in the theater?\" >N-no..just sit there and watch the movie with me <|endoftext|>
> be me > hanging at mcdonalds > see two gorls sitting near by > 8/10 and 6/10 respectively > 8/10 gets up to go to the bathroom > showtime jpg > get up from my seat and lock eyes with 6/10\n> approach her head on and sit down in her friend's seat\n> start rapidly shovelling 8/10's fries into my mouth > 6/10 is too shocked to do anything > when all the fries are gone I go back to my seat and resume eating my meal > 8/10 comes back and sees her fries are gone, starts yelling at her friend > you bitch why did you eat all my fries > it wasn't me it was that guy! She points at me > her friend just straight up doesn't believe her > accuses her of lying and walks out of the restaurant > 6/10 still sitting there, staring at me dumbfounded > casually finish eating my meal and leave > know she'll remember me for rest of her life > mfw girls think I'm unforgettable\n<|endoftext|>
>eating sandwich at the beach >skipping stones >watching the sunset and thinking about life\n>throw sandwich into ocean >bite rock <|endoftext|>
>loves roblox and minecraft\n>yesterday he was running around the house singing something>watcha doin son? >im sanic, i gotta go fast dad <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>having 18th birthday at home >pretty chill ime with friends >brother asks if me I want to see his Minecraft world >tell him to go away >see he's hurt >feel guilty and say I'll check it out later >never check it >a few months later, brother gets leukemia >pray he gets better >he doesn't >brother dies >feals like shit >tum 21 >packing stuff up for college >notice brothers old laptop >for some reason, remembers broken promise >charge up computer >boot up Minecraft >see world named \"HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANONIII\u201d >load up world >beginning to tear up at this point >world loads >look around and see cake everywhere >giant pixel cake in front of me >balloons across the sky >tum around and see \"HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY\u201d built with blocks\n>under b-day message is a sign >sign says \"happy birthday anon. You're the best brother ever. :DDD\"\n>fucking cry for hours\n<|endoftext|>
>have pubic lice (crabs)\n>no shampoo works\n>decide to get some fire ants and place on pubes to fight the crabs>they scrap for a bit strongholds on the opposite ends>to the north lie the wiley crabs of pubendorf\n>to the south lie the barbaric fire ants of fort scrotum>one morning notice a fire ant on horseback riding towards the crabs stronghold>look closer\n>its a fucking threaty of alliance <|endoftext|>
>beme > Canadian wy > go to school> dont get shot\n<|endoftext|>
>opens a can of Bud Light >gently massages protruding beer belly just aint>begins daily ritual of zoning out to TV >puts a triple bacon cheeseburger in the >cheers as his favorite negro catches the football we had some>asks permission to go to the local sports bar, wife says no>hires Jose the illegal immigrant to mow his lawn work ethic n'>blames Jose for all his problems >dies of a heart attack at age 58\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me >have a kid at 18yrs old >at first gfs pregnancy is meh\n>she bitch alot >deal wit it until kid is born\n>kid borns, it's the most horrifying event to watch>kid is all good, be happy :) >now I'm 22, kid is about to turn 5 at this xmas>me goes to doctors cause bad prolonged headaches...>get diagnosed with brain cancer>mfw >try to tell 4yr old why dad is not going to be around>he does not understand >I make sure that he will be ok\n>I love that little mf, he is my life, the only good thing I ever>I only have about 6 to 10month if lucky>Good Bye greentexts and anons :\u2019)<|endoftext|>
>live in a bad part of town\n>work at a grocery store\n>always give hobos the food the >on cold days, I make a big jug of coffee and hand it out to them>no one ever asks me for cash because they know I'm broke>am known as the \"sandwich man\" because I usually make sandwiches for them>last year, got mugged walking back home >5 seconds after being confronted I hear \"AYO GET AWAY FROM THE SANDWICH MAW!\">4 or 5 homeless guys run to me from half a block away yelling at the mugger to get away from me>he ran off after they came and they chased after him>follow and there was like 10 of them gathered around and he was pinned to the ground>one called the police and they arrested the guy\n>was told \"if anyone fucks with you sandwich man, we got your back\">mfw I basically have a street gang by giving away day old sandwich meat and bread I am told<|endoftext|>
>your ex-gf accuses you of breaking into her home, assaulting>police immediately arrest you and . charge you with burglary and>your parents get $150,000 in debt trying to hire a lawyer and post your bail>people are convinced you did it and you have no alibi to say otherwise>your mom suddenly finds a selfie pic you sent her that was dated at the time of the assault>turns out that pic clears you of all charges since it placed you away from the scene of the crime>your ex-gf gets off scott-free with no charges for lying while you had your life ruined<|endoftext|>
>Be Redditfag >Read r/greentext >Have lots of laughs >\"I wonder what the real 4chan website is like?\" , >Go to /b/>It's all porn. <|endoftext|>
>make thread >no one replies >pull out my phone and reply to my thread<|endoftext|>
>Beme\n> Be cab driver in major tourist city\n> Havent had sex in so long i'm basically Virgin again> Pick up 3 spanish qt3.14s at the airport, ask to go to city hotel> During the ride we talk about the fun > Arrived at their hotel\n> They say \u2018that was fun, why don't you hang out with us tonight?\u2019> Turbo-autism kicks in\n> Answer \u2018oh no I can't, my girlfriend wouldn't be happy about that\u2019>\n>\n>\n>I don't have a girlfriend\n> why am i like this <|endoftext|>
>be me >from the day one i loved videogames and wanted to work>worked very hard to get to good school>no life because of it but thought \"fuck it it will be worth it\">graduated uni, one of the best students\n>looking for job >this one big company asks me to make video game>yaaaaas.phd >it's fucking blizzard >it's fucking diablo mobile <|endoftext|>
>be me >be with this girl >she kinda accepts me >even tho I'm a /b/eta >she let's me stay at her place\n>very comfy, smells good >I can play vidya too >she offers that she could make some food for me>hell fucking yes! >she even asks what would I eat\n>tendietime.wav >her tendies are the best >she cares for me I can feel it >I love my mum <|endoftext|>
>neighbors keep using my parking } pad without permission>tell them not to\n>they do it anyway and just ignore me like nothing is going to happen>it's been 3 weeks >they still haven't got their car back\n>apparently they just can't afford it because of how tight money is>his wife lost her job because she couldn't make it to work for 3 weeks>they are moving out, presumably because they cannot afford the bills and the moratorium is almost<|endoftext|>
>be me in college >public speaking class >have idea >tell prof on 1st day I stutter sometimes >it\u2019s ok anon we'll get through it >really lay it on >3 minutes per paragraph in front of 40 peers >next week do a little better >can still see pain in the faces of kids when I stammer for 10 seconds on a word\n>prof encourages me every time >she even kicked a kid out of class for saying \u201ccome on\u201d under his breath\n>improving every class >almost no stuttering now >final speech give a perfect oration for me, didn\u2019t have to fake stutter at all\n>getanA <|endoftext|>
>The rape dwarf is still in my walls\n>I hear bumps in the night >Fire off some .357 rounds into the wall>Complete silence until I hear it >\"Hoho!\" >Get angry >Fire off more rounds >Hear a screech then a wimper >Hear it run off, dragging it's penis as it goes\n>Blood drips out from beneath the molding >I got him for now, but he'll be back View Thread I<|endoftext|>
>she really likes me\n>we start edating\n>find out we live close  EB >she asks how tall I am I say 5'8>she is 5'6 <|endoftext|>
>*cough *cough >\"0-okay, please give me the vaccine now. W-what do you mean it doesn't work that way? Please, I> BEEEEEER\n<|endoftext|>
>take driving test >do everything perfect >yellow light >speed up to pass it like a normal human being>this means I fail the driving test <|endoftext|>
>bf dumps me >starts dating some skinny bitch>hatch plan >make friends with him\n>hang out a lot >ask to borrow his laptop\n>download CP >bring the laptop to the police\n>\"anon, you say you found these images on his laptop>get charged with CP\n<|endoftext|>
>asexual gf wants me to wear chastity cage>ok >now asexual gf wants me to wear panties<|endoftext|>
>at the bus stop >its raining >notice qt girl >shes getting drenched\n>place my umbrella over her\n>\"umm no thanks\" >takes five steps back <|endoftext|>
>go on reddit\n>make comment about something I think I'm right about>get proven wrong\n>admit that I was wrong and thank person who provided a>get downvoted anyway >this fucking site\n<|endoftext|>
>) )/>Be on patrol in Iraq >VBIED explodes a few blocks away >We go to secure the area and I, a medic, go to treat casualties>Platoon Sergeant is with me >He points to a smoldering buttocks attached to nothing else>Looks at me and says \"check out that hot piece of ass!\">Women are on their knees throwing sand over their shoulders to mourn>I'm laughing so hard I have tears running down my face<|endoftext|>
>be me >24yo femanon >qt 17yo boys outside tesco ask me to buy them cider>hatch plan >walk into tesco and grab the cider\n>approach qt employee >explain that i saw my abusive bf outside\n>\"don't worry, you can leave through the back door\">thank him >pay for the cider with the teenagers' money\n>leave out back door >drink the cider by the canal and browse Achan on a local cafe's wifi>mfw <|endoftext|>
>mom won't pay for my Fortnite <|endoftext|>
> 10 years ago I was afraid to post here thinking you guys are all hackers and>now I realize you are all a bunch of faggots>welcome home you gay bitch <|endoftext|>
>Get job at McDonalds, need cash\n>Work in the back arranging the meals>qt 3.14 comes in with~8 yo Happy Meal>daughter is really polite to casier, says please and everything>throw in an extra nugget because of her kindness\n>few mins later, manager tells me to mop a spill\n>its right next to the mom and her daughter\n>evesdrop on them\n>\"Mommy look, the people in the back gave me an extra nugget, why?\">mom replies, \"Its because they're dumb enough to work here that they cant count\">mfw\n>mom and daughter laugh while I walk away <|endoftext|>
>wait 17 years\n>wake up >scream for 4 weeks\n>refuse to elaborate\n>die <|endoftext|>
>be me >have of >hear about Andrew Tate, decide to look him up>really like his advice >decide to try it on gf to gain her respect\n>be with her one day >tell her that I cheated on her (i didn't) >she is understandably upset >tell her \"Yeah, got drunk. Fucked some girl. Don't remember her name. If you want to leave you can leave.\">she actually does >heartbroken, text her every day telling her it wasn't real and I was just following advice I got online to be cool>tell her to look up Andrew Tate so she'll see what i mean\n>pretty sure she blocked me, all our friends hate me now What the fuck do I do? She was my first gf, I literally have<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>travel abroad basically all my life due to dad's political work>live in various european/asian countries like sweden, denmark, turkey,>have a normal upbringing\n>plenty of friends, great classmates, etc\n>eventually move to the US\n>literally the first day of school, one of my american classmates throws a fucking stapler at me<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>go on Reddit\n>see that a post has gold and silver>wot.jpg\n>ffw a few weeks\n>see a post that made me laugh\n>click on button to give gold\n>a menu comes up to buy gold\n>confusion.jpg\n>click on buy gold\n>asks for a payment method\n>what the fuck\n>some faggots actually spend money to give a medal to posts and comments that>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>8 year old cousin is over\n>she wants to watch a movie in my room>mom tells me to \"keep the door open\"<|endoftext|>
>still have to tip driver $2-3\n>$10 pizza becomes $25\n>pizza shop is 4 minutes away >be retard >have yard full of perfectly edible, healthy grass and bugs\n>decide to spend $25 on artery clogging slop instead\n<|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>Hungry before work\n>See donut shop and think \"fuck it, >Go inside and get a chocolate >Cashier says \"Wow, lots of chocolate today huh?\"\n>\"Haha yeah, I'm the chocolate man from chocolate land.\">never return there <|endoftext|>
>be me >at school >there's a grill next to me i never >during class at one point she TAS BHEG asks: \"can we do this exercise>me: \"no\"\n>virginity protected <|endoftext|>
>Playing GTA San Andreas\n>Father comes in >Want to show him how cool the game is >Go to the beach and kill hookers using chainsaw and flamethrower\n>Few days later he bans the game <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>went to Japan for vacation\n>has a very close online jap friend that I met when I was loitering>thought he's a guy\n>short haired gt 9/10 appeared. Her name is Nao\n>even though it's the first time meeting her irl, we hit off pretty well>Nao talks to me about pretending to be a guy online>she wanted to talk with someone about rock but she thinks people online wouldn't take her seriously>she apologized\n>\"apology accepted but on one condition.\"\n>says I wanna play guitar hero with you\n>she laughed and agreed\n>nicesmile.jpeg\n>went to her apartment\n>she hurriedly opened her ps4 and accessed guitar hero>pretty high level\n>plays\n>mfw she lost\n>mfw she turned off the game and started sulking\n>started motivating her\n>hey nao, you're a rockstar. get your game on, go, <|endoftext|>
>tell a German \"I'll see you later\"\n>He asks what time <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>gap year >work as nursery assistant at a home for mentally challenged (IQ>70)\n>one guy is very unintelligent >24 years old >IQ too low to leam how to speak >only says weird sounds >no friends >only hobby is to suck puddles dry >once tried sucking lake dry >puked multiple times >once all got sick from bad food\n>he didn't because of superior stomach from sucking puddles >one day the home gets a new manager >decides that puddlesucker cannot suck puddles anymore >puddlesucker gets very sad >one time I have the night shift >its raining >see puddlesucker stand by the window crying looking at the many delicious puddles >I open the door >puddlesucker runs outside faster than a 4chan user chasing an icecream truck >sucks on atleast 7 puddles >comes back >gives me big wet hug >mfw guy who doesn't even crack a smile when he sees his family after 2 months, gives me a hug\n<|endoftext|>
 womvonwe \u2014 >SiSter 17>walks out of bathroom after shower >tell her to fasten her towel before it falls off\n>she nods and fastens it before walking away\n>i go shower and forget about it\n>because im not some sick degenerate like you fucks.  22772251744 # x >be 15<|endoftext|>
>meets a disabled 14 year on the >attempts to marry her without once trying to find our where her<|endoftext|>
>live alone and start to feel lonely\n>install vrchat and join some servers>all e-couples, whiney americans and furries>suddenly come across some other guys with monkey avatars>more people notice and start monkeying around\n>end up spending the night harassing e-couples with 4 other guys>leave not feeling so lonely <|endoftext|>
>mfw I have never touched a vagina, even when being born>mfw I wasn't really even born at all, but cut out of my mother's stomach like an<|endoftext|>
>\"THERE'S A HUGE LABOR SHORTAGE, 6 MILLION JOBS>apply to 500 jobs >get 1 call back >it's a pyramid scheme\n<|endoftext|>
>date is going well\n>politics gets brought up\n>don't want to scare her\n>spout the most normie, bluepilled, centrist opinions>nothing even remotely close to right of center>\"Oh god, you're not an alt-righter, are you?\"<|endoftext|>
>asshole hairy since 12 >can't remember time when wiping easy\n>always wipe 50 times >like cleaning muddy fishing net with tp\n>usually try to shit just before shower\n>trimming pubes one day >going at gooch >go back farther >fuck it >trim asscrack >fuck it halfway there >shave crack and hole >takes like an hour >dont want to be cutting up my shithole\n>next day >shit >wipe >wipe again >paper clean looking >wtf >did i miss the hole? >nope >just done wiping <|endoftext|>
>be me >dad leaves for cigarettes  \\) >decide to go to store for food>see dad still in line, cigarettes Tamarclare!>wave to him everyday <|endoftext|>
>grandparents visiting for a week\n>grandpa is interested in crypto, has heard me talk about it so I shill him on muh>fuck I probably shouldn't go that to gramps>help him sign up\n>he has to confirm email\n>\"Oh dang, guess I'll just have to do this when I get back home\">tell him he can just sign into his email on my computer and sign back out if he's worried about muh privacy or>\"What do you mean anon? My email is just on my computer back at home\">browhat\n>Tell him he can login to his email on literally any device he has access to.>just put in the email and password dude\n>show him how to do it\n>\"WOW Anon, I had no idea you could do that! That's so cool!\"<|endoftext|>
>sit down to watch my boyfriend play>its a dark souls like type game\n>he dies <|endoftext|>
>three years ago >really drunk >post my number on 4chan asking someone to call me and>this bald mother fucker right here calls me>tells me a story about a bear who switches places with a human for a day>many keks til i fall asleep >becomes a weekly ritual >time goes on and its less stories and more general conversation>three years later hes getting married >asks me to be the best man in his wedding\n>whythefucknot.jpg >fly up the coast to stay at his house for the weekend>friends and family all know \u2018of' me so its kinda weird>but everyones really fucking chill especially his friends<|endoftext|>
>wake up\n>still not Br*tsh\n>day improves noticably <|endoftext|>
>be me >Watching Netflix health documentary\n>\"haha fat people\" >They're filming fatties in the street\n>\"hey, I have that shirt\" >\"hey, I have those cargo shorts\"\n>\"hey, I know that building\" >mfw 1 Reply I View Thread<|endoftext|>
>taking massive shit >coming out sideways\n>hurts like hell >feel and hear anus tearing\n>losing lots of blood\n>wake up around 15 minutes later\n>go to wipe\n>cleanwipe.doc\n>no blood, no shit\n>feel around asshole\n>someone sewn up my gaping wound and cleaned it>blood and shit still in toilet <|endoftext|>
>Be me >20 >Enough money to stay in Japan for a few months >Go to Tokyo >Slowly find the places where Japanese women who want westemers hang out\n>After maybe 2 weeks I end up in a casual encounter >Repeat quite a few times >End of time here >Go back to UK >Didn't use condoms, didn't ask if they were on the pill, always cummed inside of them. <|endoftext|>
>Arabs > Pel <|endoftext|>
>never ask anyone out\n>never get rejected\n>basically irresistible haha who's the chad now<|endoftext|>
>making out with slut i brought from a nearby bar\n>gonna fuck this bitch >look to my condor for approval >he shits on her bag and pecks her outta the room.\n>later find out she had harpies from fiend <|endoftext|>
>I post the frog >they see the frog and get mad\n>they say mean things to me\n>I get sad >i want to feel happy again\n>frog makes me happy >I post the frog\n<|endoftext|>
>mom and dad both had a bad day and decided to destress, whatever, free food>throughout the whole dinner they're both >my little brother suddenly looks like he had an idea and whispers in my ear \"watch this\">he asks mom and dad to look each other in the eye as long as they can>think to myself wtf is he doing, a staring contest?\n>after about 15 seconds of eye contact they both start smiling and eventually they break into laughter at that.>mfw my lil bro is the best at making people happy <|endoftext|>
> Shut the Tuck up and dont interrupt me, you Tat\n<|endoftext|>
>tfw you'll never have a cute gf who plays games in your lap and when she beats you at them she teases you while rubbing her butt on your dick>when she beats you \u2018what kind of fucking casual do you take me for<|endoftext|>
>beme >in highschool > accidentally bump into girl in the hallway\n> she says \"ew\" > mfw this happens on multiple occasions\n> mfw they aren't even trying to be mean, <|endoftext|>
>be me, 28 year old Texas fag\n>live in Corpus Christi\n>love it here but city has a bad homeless problem>last week find a hobo walking through grocery store parking lot in morning>strike up conversation and befriend him\n>offer to pay him $200 if he helps me move furniture out of my house in Austin>he agrees\n>I don\u2019t have house in Austin\n>we go to Austin, ~4 hour drive\n>he gets out to use bathroom in gas station in random ghetto>I leave him and drive back to corpus <|endoftext|>
>working in a high end restaurant>chef is hard ass german>decide to fuck with him>bartender brings up case of apple juice in cans, and leaves it>snag 3 cans from the case, and crank the oven to 500>service starts >it's time >place cans of apple juice in the oven\n>they start to melt and contort, leaking apple juice into the inferno of an oven>chef walks into the kitchen >\"VAT IS ZAT HISSING\" >try to contain my laughter as kraut chef opens the oven door to see melting>kraut chef starts yelling \"WHY IZ ZE JEWZ IN ZE OVEN, TAKE ZE JEWZ OUT>entire dining room can hear him\n>kraut chef never found out that it was me<|endoftext|>
>be me, 27\n>amazing kind girlfriend\n>she has autistic 31 y/o brother\n>bit odd, really loves trains, MTG, and Roman imperial history>mostly non verbal recluse now has fellow nerdbro to shoot the shit with>parents love me\n>\u2019anon is so good with him! He really goes out of his way to be his friend\u201d>literally just vibing with dude\n>don\u2019t feel the need to check myself when I go off on my fixations>am I autistic, /b?\n<|endoftext|>
>hyper military based society Sy >tries to convince itself it's the>loses <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>talk to cute girl\n>I'm totally into her\n>seems like she's into me as well\n>ask girl out >okie dokie, moving on >later hear from mutual friend that girl was wondering as to why I gave up so easily in trying to pursue her<|endoftext|>
>grandpa has stroke and falls down the stairs>suffers brain damage and left side of body is paralyzed>can never walk again and has to use a wheelchair>mom is worried that his brain will >he goes to treatment center for recovery\n>couple of months go by >it's father's day >my parents and I go to treatment center to see grandpa>grandpa gives wrapped gift to my dad >dad opens it >it's a porn magazine <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>have female friend who likes shitpost as much as I do>notificationtojoinashitpostgroupfromher.exe\n>Flat Earth etc... >seems like a decent shitpost group >everyone has a top tier shitposting/Irony humor\n>\"NASA uses Eyefish lence\" >Laugh at funny ironical memes and shit they write>my friend likes NASA and space bs >see a post where she is arguing w/ some random guy>Find out the FB group is not a shitpost group\n>Mfw I've been in this group for at least 2 months\n>Mfw I thought their posts were memes >Mfw these people actually think Earth is flat\n>Mfw top excuse is \"NASA uses eyefish lence\"\n<|endoftext|>
>be american\n>internet is blocked\n>bored >go outside >get shot <|endoftext|>
>be me >lonely little shit\n>had a few close friends but we kinda>for the last few years had 0 friends, no love life, no resemblance of a genuine>got a job last year, am 24 now >its right next to one of the old friends job (she's a bartender, let's call her Marie)>i go to marie's bar after work one day (didnt know she worked there)>start going to marie's bar pretty much every day after work for a cup of coffee>life's not as monotone >one of marie's friends starts coming in too>let's call her Nina >me and nina hang out at maries bar every day after work, banter, coffee, just>ff a bit >one day us 3 are all there >me and Nina had a few drinks, marie cant drink at work>me and nina go out for a smoke >as im pretty drunk i just blurt out sometime, just the two of us?>she says yes >ff 4 weeks >me and nina are now dating >heard nina say the words \"my boyfriend\" when talking to someone>\"my boyfriend\" >feelsgoodman >ff a few more weeks >nina says I love you while we're on a date>been a lonely piece of shit all my life\n>took 24 years but i finally feel loved <|endoftext|>
>windows 7 that hasn't been updated >download pirated games from russian sites monthly>watch porn daily >do all my banking on the same computer living on the edge<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>10 years old\n>my mom just bought a cat\n>very cute and smol\n>black with white paws\n>fast foward 12 years more depressed>no matter how depressed I got I never cried\n>always felt like I had no valve to release my sadness\n>cute smol cat is now cute old cat\n>has always cheered me up to see her lying in my bed\n>would die for her\n>one day cat starts to behave different\n>doesnt eat, always tired\n>drive to vet\n>she has a kidney disease\n>vet told that she doesnt have long\n>after that it gets worse\n>I decided to euthanize her so she can go in peace\n>after the euthanasia I sit in my car\n>started crying for almost 1 hour\n>all the feelings inside me bursted out\n>really felt good <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>watch breaking bad for the first time\n>decide to try meth because they make it look and sound too delicious>get addicted\n>lose friends, family, gf, basicallt Is there any way i could sue the producers>decide to try meth lol you fucking idiot<|endoftext|>
>be 19 yr old kv suicidal depressed neet\n>live with parents >unmarried sister gets preggers because of her bf and doesn't want the>kid is born, beautiful boy >she abandons him at parents home to pursue her dead end \u201cacting>parents, and i basically take care of >love him like my own son, he calls me papa >son grows up fine, i get warehouse job to have more money to make him happier>start jogging in the morning to have enough stamina to play with him\n>son is great at academics, gets As >start getting along better with my own parents since we're taking care of my son together>work harder and get promoted, more money to buy son toys >experience first hand what raising a child is like, love him >now am 36 yrs old kv with a managerial job at a shipping company >son has gone to univ this year >parents and i are very lonely with nothing to do all day >wait for son's call in the back of our heads all the time >sister is still struggling with her \"acting career\" (son calls her auntie Imao)>son is coming home for christmas >can't decide what to do to celebrate his first year at college >almost know for certain that if son hadn't been born, i would've probably jumped off a building to end my pathetic life<|endoftext|>
>be me > 18yo > first blow job > feelsamazing > cums buckets in her mouth  z > she swallows EIN ee > your cum tastes really bad anon> haha I know What have I done<|endoftext|>
>be me >watch witcher with GF >Geralt takes of shirt >GF suddenly disappears somewhere >finally I have some alone time and can fap to this handsome fella<|endoftext|>
>have you tried melatonin >have you tried sleeping pills? >it's because you drink too much >you just need to stop worrying >if you'd get on a routine\n>if you'd go to bed earlier <|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>Sore throat\n>Go to doctor for checkup\n>Tonsillitis.jpg\n>Need to get tonsils removed\n>Knocked out for operation\n>Wake up high af\n>Nurse tells me I can have as many iceblocks as I want>Stay in hospital for a few days eating mostly iceblocks and chicken>Finally leave hospital after recovery\n>Later surgeons\n<|endoftext|>
>Create Reddit account >Notice my arms start to get chubbier >Panic as my stomach begins to bulge >Waddle towards the door >Fingers are too fat to grab the handle >Body is getting fatter >Hair begins to grown on my neck >Clothes start to rip apart and fall to the floor >Skull starts to reshape, creating a fedora like form atop >\"Mom help me!\" >Mom enters the room >\"Anon, what's going on!?\" >\"I'm... I'm a big chungus!\" >Mom bursts into tears >I'm now a redditor <|endoftext|>
>be me. 5'4\" 103lb straight guy>forever alone in \"friendzone\" because of my>6'4\" bear at work says he'll take me out for dinner because he can tell I'm down.>fast forward end of night I'm sucking his dick and he's telling me how hot I am>Never in life been told I'm hot <|endoftext|>
>be me >cub scouts camping trip >its getting dark >scout master tells us to get wood n shit for a bonfire>go about 20 feet away from camp\n>see the perfect stick >grab it >its a rattlesnake tail >too retarded to run away >bring it over my head and swing it in circles>the snake can't come back and bite >shout for help >everyone comes >sees me using a snake like a lasso\n>kids laughing, adults shitting pants\n>tell me to hit the snake against a tree as hard as! can>hope it breaks its neck >whip its head at mach speed into the biggest tree I could find>head explodes >adults don't know whether to congratulate or punish me>other kids think I'm hardcore >mfw my nickname was snake charmer from then on<|endoftext|>
>be me  \u00a7 > dating girl> she reads Cosmo article about kinky d things to do in bed>\"1 - Give your partner's penis a sexy >I oblige > next day > things start getting steamy > hands rubbing everywhere > she is breathing heavily >I ask what nickname she wants to use\n> she calls my dick \"The Impaler\" > \"Tell me what you want baby\u201d > \"The Impaler. I need the Impaler! Give it to me!\"\n> she's breathing even heavier now > diamonds.jpeg >I start fucking her > her body is wriggling all over the place\n> cum within a minute > I roll off > her body goes limp > her breathing stops > realise I misheard what she was asking for\n> it turns out she was asthmatic > I'm the reason she died... <|endoftext|>
>Be me >Best friend and I move into a house together\n>Neither of us have GFs >Fuck each other because it's better than masturbating\n>Decide to get married for tax benefits >Adopt a kid to be our little bro >One day while we fuck our balls touch >He doesnt stop and say \"no homo\" <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>\"depressed\u201d 12 year old >decide i want to kill myself >family getting ready to go to the beach >prepare my final plan >gets to beach >goes in water >screams \"goodbye forever\u201d >throws AA battery into the sea >mfw still alive >mfw my family are laughing at me for being retarded\n>mfw i probably am retarded\n<|endoftext|>
>have gf >shes an autistic medical student >be autistic econ degree who posts on 4chan\n>she loves science and examines bacterial samples for fun>buy her a microscope for her birthday >we have sex later >cum on her stomach >\"wow anon that was great but i need to get up\"\n>think she didnt like the sex >she just wanted put my semen on a microscope slide>shes standing there naked examining my sperm under a microscope>we spend an hour examining my sperm and using stats to determine my fertility>she gets aroused by the sperm density >have sex again <|endoftext|>
>get gf into powerlifting and martial arts to share my hobbies>she gets into it, but also starts doing athleticism>makes me run and cycle with her >today she made me run around >tomorrow she wants to jump off a bridge with me and swim to the other side of our local river>I'm really scared and I don't want to do it, but I will because I don't want to lose her respect<|endoftext|>
>be me >be loser who drives a delivery van all >work is fucking boring as fuck >get new puppy >have idea >I will take puppy to work with me >Next day put puppy in van >Puppy sits shotgun all day, does not piss or poop in cab >Take puppy to park during lunch break >Puppy waits patiently while I make deliveries >Drive home >Realize work was fun with my little puppy buddy >Have never had this much enjoyment of work >Thank you puppy <|endoftext|>
>don't own a car >walk to store >buy weekly groceries for $50 vs>buy car for $40,000 >buy insurance for $1500\n>pay $200 a month for gas\n>buy $120 costco membership\n>go to costco and spend $45\n>\"woah I'm so good with money, I just saved myself $5\" <|endoftext|>
>Meet female friend (not gf, but I do have a mild crush on her) ina>decide to pay for both of us, because I have a well paid job>after we meed a few times she tells me she doesnt want me to pay for her, she>she wants to pay for me too instead\n>when I refuse and tell her she no income while I make 2.5k every month she gets pissed>well paid job >2500 a month <|endoftext|>
>read the Iliad and the odyssey >decide to try living like the ancient  4 - >start eating lots of lamb,>sun my balls every day >start training more compounds, especially >start growing a beard >listen to meditterranean music >drink only cheap red wine >refer to myself in the 3rd person as \u201czorba\u201d >lifts skyrocket >interest from women skyrockets <|endoftext|>
>mexican joins the server\n>turns on his mic\n>hear his mother yelling\n>baby crying\n>vacuum cleaner \u20193Keype _ WWWWRRRRRRIIINNNG>\"CAAAAASSSSOOOO CEEEERRRRRAAAAADOOOOOOO\">police sirens\n>dog barking\n<|endoftext|>
>behind a slow ass fucking faggoty hearse in traffic>tooted my horn\n>eventually pulled up next to them at lights>child sized coffin >went home feeling like a fat piece of shit <|endoftext|>
>go into Boots to buy toothbrush >see Stacey I went to school with working behind the counter>hatch plan >pick up a box of Durex Extra Large\n>she'll think I have a hung super cute bf\n>walk up to counter >not sure if she recognizes me >pay for the toothbrush and condoms\n>as i'm walking out the door, I hear her whisper to her co-worker>\"I think that tranny has a big dick\"\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
>be me P >30 y/o now de : >grew up without a father \\ >mom used to make me dinner>begin to model my life after him in my 20s>have this thing where i ask myself \"what would mr hill do\" when important decisions come up>generally works out for me\n>saved me from some costly mistakes thru life\n>dedicate myself to working hard through my 20s\n>had plenty saved before covid\n>multiple high risk factora like asthma\n>able to go on extended leave without much to worry about>just bought a propane grill <|endoftext|>
>go on tinder date last night >seemingly normal girl >decide to go get coffee pretty late >sit down >I ask \"so what do you do for a living?\" >\"so I actually don't have a job right now because advocating takes up a huge part of my time, I'ma<|endoftext|>
>be me, 19\n>gets called cute, funny, smart\n>both my roommates are women\n>they wonder why I never had a gf * >never felt ready<|endoftext|>
>be from ukraine >unironically use reddit >war is shit and stuff >make a picture of my morning view with ukrainian breakfast,>it gets removed for being >the entire subreddit is just about the war\n>99% of the people are westerners just talking about russia all day>they give each other awards for saying \"Fuck Putin\u2019>these people dont give a shit about ukrainne\n<|endoftext|>
>Happy New Year's Eve, anon! So which lucky lady are you kissing at midnight?<|endoftext|>
>dad buys 2015 Diesel Dodge Ram\n>6 months later says \"I think I'm gonna buy a new truck\">whatthefuck.jpeg\n>\"why you just got a new one\" >\"then why don't you make your 2015 last forever\"\n>says I don't understand vehicles\n>tfw he's over $70,000 in debt and doesn't understand why<|endoftext|>
>In a gym bathroom\n>Brushing my teeth for whatever reason\n>finish up, spit water out >Violent loud sound >Like a thousand balloons rubbing together >Everyone stops and looks at >Nervously try to play it off >Casually say \u201cSqueaky clean boys.\u201d >Walk out of gym bathroom >Wake up\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >charming enough for girls to hang ' out with me>not charming enough for girls to >aware enough to realize that i >autistic enough to keep having in-depth conversations with her in my head<|endoftext|>
>superglue GPS tracker to bicycle >leave it unlocked infront of my apartment >wait for people to steal it >chase them in my car, get out and kick their ass\n>take their wallets >repeat <|endoftext|>
>be 17 in high school\n>used to crush on this girl in English class pretty hard>talk to her casually in class, never try anything>say hi to her and friends all go \"oo00000000!\"\n>one of them jokingly says \"this guy must have a huge dick since he's hitting on your right in front of>crush looks at me giggling, \u201cis it ttue Anon? Do you have a big dick?\">dontfuckthisup\n>\"Nah, that's just a rumor\"\n>Laughter stops for a second then turns into nervous laughter<|endoftext|>
>walk by the den one day\n>computer is within view of the door>dad is on the computer, doesnt >viewing some creepshots of milfy news anchors thighs on google images>can see his has 3 other pages pushed to the side from other porn sites. He's viewing them all>chuckle, and walk away >week later I come in late at night, stoned like a cheating muslim women>dad is standing in the kitchen with a baggie from my stash>\"anon, just what the hell is this?\" >\"...well, I can tell you what its not.... a google search of your favorite news anchors thighs\u201d>dead silence hangs in the air, he gives me a nod and leaves the room>mfw >never speak about ethier incident again <|endoftext|>
>he preordered?\n>slash the development budget\n<|endoftext|>
>Be in preschool >Uncircumcised >Kid notices in bathroom >Later that day in a group with other boys and girls\n>Kid says my pee pee is different\n>Other kids want to see >Show them >They want to touch it >why not >Let them >They pull back my foreskin repeatedly and touch the head\n>Feelsgoodman.jpg >My pee pee gets bigger >One of the little girls screams >Female teacher comes over >ohshit >The kids' parents are informed <|endoftext|>
>Buy fake prop money off Amazon>Looks real as fuck >Last night >Go to strip club >Pay for entry fee and drinks at >Spend all night drunk and paying strippers for private lap dances>It's dark and their drunk/high so they don't check to see \"For Motion Picture Use Only\">Spend over $4,000 in useless money in one night\n>All the strippers love me >Get to touch their boobs and asses >Feel like Chad for one night >Only costed $9.99 + tax <|endoftext|>
>2 years ago \u2014 >watching movie with (at the time) \\ e- >scene where the main character>she looks at me and goes \"it must be weird to kiss your best friend\">\"yeah i guess\" >20 minutes of complete silence >she says \"i gotta go\" >she leaves and we never spoke again <|endoftext|>
>be me 15 >Parents don't give a fuck about me, I have nothing to do, so I spend most of my time>One day at skate park, piss off some older dudes, my friends bail on me and I get>They take my wallet and snap my board\n>I'm walking home head hung low, ripped shirt broken board>Friends qt older sister is driving by and sees me>Pulls over >\"OMG anon what happened\" >We get there, she whipes blood off my face, starts telling me how mad she is that those>Starts to massage me >Boner activated >Hey anon why dont you take a shower and clean up your scrapes>I agree, she brings me to the bathroom, starts undressing me, her hand brushes on>Giggles, \"ooh anon, a little excited are we?\"\n>Tells me to get in the shower, tells me she'll be right back>Im washing off, see the door start to crack open>See eye peering in at me >Feeling bold, \"why dont you come join me you little slut\">Voice booms \"don't mind if I do!\" >Her dad runs in and fucks the shit out of my ass and then leaves me broken on the<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>learn about rule 34\n>if it exists there is porn of it>look up alien porn >mfw i just proved aliens <|endoftext|>
>year 2020 >trump is re-elected\n>immediately declares war on Vietnam>Vietnam war 2.0 >be rice farmer in Vietnam >start hearing Lil Yaughty playing in the distance to the sounds of rotary engines>helicopters start flying over me >Gucci gang starts blasting from the helicopter speakers>whole fuckin area around me gets napalmed\n>choppers drop off enemy troops >get smoked by a 17 year old with a pickle Rick sticker on the side of his helmet>he does the Fortnite dance over my body then yeets me into a bush<|endoftext|>
>Soldier posts on Facebook his exact location to his friends and fellow>Redditor posts the image on Reddit for updoots>Russian scrolling through the subreddit gets confirmation that Ukrainians are using>Russians shell every abandoned school in the area, massacring everybody<|endoftext|>
>Be KIWI >BE A TASTY FUCK\n>FEEL LIKE FRESHLY SHAVED. PUSSY>BE GREEN LIKE SHREK\n>FULL OF VITAMINS\n>HEALTHY AF\n> TASTE OF ANGELS CUMMING IN YOUR MOUTH>FUCK ORANGES >Be ORANGE\n>BE A SWEET TANGY AND TASTY ASS MOTHER FUCKER>FEEL LIKE ADAMN FRUIT SHOULD FEEL AND NOT LIKE>BE ORANGE, LIKE A FUCKING ORANGE, UNLIKE KIWI WHO IS NIGGER ON THE>TASTE LIKE SUGAR MIXED WITH A 9000 VOLT BATTERY OF MANLINESS, NOT FAGGOTY>FUCK KIWIS, TINY ASS HAIRY NIGGER FRUIT <|endoftext|>
>\"The biggest importer of Quebec maple syrup is the United States, which buys more than 60% of<|endoftext|>
>make rigged casino\n>make it so slot machines have a 0% chance of paying out>make it a progressive jackpot worth millions upon billions of dollars>finally after all this time someone finds a >comes time to pay out but dont have nearly enough to do so, this scenario was never planned for, has to pay by>forced to sell the casino and everything in it\n>NOOOOOOOONOOOO0O0NNNNO00000000000C YOU PLAYED THE SLOT MACHINE WRONG YOU<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>be horny\n>want to stick my peepee into girl peepee>brightidea.webm\n>match with qt3.14 mexican girl\n>she does not speak english\n>use google translate to woo her\n>ff a week\n>we hang out\n>things are getting hot\n>use google to ask her to suck my peepee and if we can have sex>it works Thanks google<|endoftext|>
>fixing notebook for a ~70 years old lady>comes, pays, asks about gaming tier GPUs for her desktop>little took back I inquire about the price range and what games,>nope, I play the Assasin >Assassin's creed? >yes, on my grandsons console, I just love Venice>she pauses >and killing people <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>think i'm an incel\n>realize i've never actually tried to seduce a girl>which makes me single by choice,\n>get Tinder, start watching pua shit\n>take care of myself, start having hobbies\n>ask some girls out\n>get rejected\n>now I'm officially an incel how do you do, fellow social retards<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>was actually going to an hero>decide to jump off bridge nearby my hometown>i turn around and see a pizza guy walking toward me telling me not to do it>yeahwhateverhearditabilliontimes.mp3\n>see he has tears in his eyes\n>tells me that he lost his brother to suicide years ago and hes always felt like he>actually pretty moved by his story, i have a little bro>invites me into his car and offers me the pizza he has>drives me back to his home after calling his boss and telling him about the>all the while he's shooting the shit and cracking me up, really chill guy>we get to an apartment downtown and he offers me to stay the night>open the door to his roommates drinking beer and playing mario kart>laugh and game with them\n>next morning we part ways and he gives me his phone number and tells me i can>bus home, tell mom and dad i was out with friends<|endoftext|>
>be me  ,  >sad and depressed>mom comes over\n>she makes pancakes >be me >loser working dead end job barely enough to pay rent>no friends, dont talk to co workers >depressed >mom comes over every week to cook several days worth of food and restock groceries>cleans my place >never asks for anything <|endoftext|>
>first day of class\n>get to class early so im one of the first people to sit down>sit towards the back\n>four stacys walk in a few minutes\n>in the sea of empty seats they choose 4 seats all situated near me>all of them introduce themselves to me <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>neighbour has heavily disabled son>outside gym master race\n>one day I\u2019m lifting and he\u2019s in the neighbors garden>I'm benching my 1RM\n>here a noise\n>look up and see this little spazoid cheering and bobbing his head>now every time I lift he wheels himself out and cheers me on>mfw I now lift for him <|endoftext|>
>Talking to 2 girls at the same time on tinder>Similar attractiveness\n>Girl one: how come you've asked me my phone so early? You're>Aren't you bored of using this app? I thought you'd ask me for my number but you don't seem>on tinder\n<|endoftext|>
>Liberals have stupid ideas >Not making the McRib a full time menu item is a stupid idea<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>neighbour has heavily disabled son>outside gym master race\n>one day I\u2019m lifting and he's in the neighbors garden>I'm benching my 1RM\n>here a noise\n>look up and see this little spazoid cheering and bobbing his head>now every time I lift he wheels himself out and cheers me on>mfw I now lift for him <|endoftext|>
>\"sure, mom >*quits ranke <|endoftext|>
>See's my sister getting ready >\"going out?\" >\"Yeah, the Bae is coming to get me\" (she fucking used Bae.)>\"Oh i'd love to meet him, have him come in!\"\n>sister brings bf in our house >my dad pretended he was in the bathroom.\n>he was in fact, slipping into something more comfortable>he walks out with my mom's bathrobe (giant fluffy white collar, about 3 feet to short for>his speedo on. The speedo he never wore because it was way to tight, yet he saved it,>walks out >\"OH YOU MUST BE JUSTIN\" >reaches out for a handshake >kid grabs his hand >dad yanks him over and bear hugs him\n>\"Ohhbh your hair smells nice, what is that? Olley?\">kid is horrified >\"uhhhh...no...uhhh...c-can we go babe? we might be late\u201d>they leave >my dad just looks over and says \"Do you think that was legal? My balls are hanging<|endoftext|>
>implying white people never had their own N word<|endoftext|>
>Fat with skinny legs is not a good look. It's usually an early sign of liver failure>It's usually an early sign of liver failure I've literally never seen anyone refer to someone<|endoftext|>
>Little sister is a loli >(pictured) >She enters your bedroom one night\n>\"Oh Brother, I wish to bear your children!\"<|endoftext|>
>another dream about being a rockstar beloved by billions>another dream about being an iron-fisted dictator reshaping society to my ideals>another nightmare where that fucking hellish monster is chasing me while I have to collect the>carl from jimmy neutron is there for some reason\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>post on 4chan /b/ everyday\n>end up on youtube and see pewdiepie video titled>watch video of pewdiepie\n>realize all his 9 year viewers probably decided to come on 4chan>mfw all they saw was porn <|endoftext|>
>Be me >playing video games on Sunday >comfy as hell >very invested in game >\"Oh shit, I stayed up all night playing video >panicking as I think about another exhausting day >look out window >turns out that it's just the mushroom cloud from a >crisisaverted.exe <|endoftext|>
>be me, 19 >amateur MMA fighter witha >I'm very athletic and I'ma >be 5'6 >every girl i know is taller than me >no one likes short guys <|endoftext|>
>don't live with mum >she sent presents to me >filmed myself opening them to send to her to make it like iam there>accidentally sent a dick masturbation video in with the present videos<|endoftext|>
>birthday is on new year >family forgot >friends forgot >sad >nintendo emails me happy birthday>feel better and play some smash bros<|endoftext|>
> be in middle school English period> was told to write a word starting with the letter \"g\" and many> my turn\n>mind started to race as I feel judgmental stares\n> wrote \"Gobbledygook\"\n> classmates laughed\n> teacher said, \"Don't make up words, anon\"\n> everyone mocked my vocabulary for the rest of the day> went home and found dictionary\n> next day showed it to the teacher that it exists\n> rather than explaining it to the class, teacher replied, \"Stop being a sore loser.\">mfw <|endoftext|>
>finish cigarette >drop it in can >mfw it's the soda I just walked into the kitchen to get<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>28, live with wife\n>wake up in the morning to the smell of bacon and eggs>walk downstairs to greet my wife\n>she smiles at me\n>happiness\n>go over to medicine cabinet\n>hear my beautiful wife humming in the background>take my meds\n>2mg risperdal\n>turn to wife\n>she's gone\n>start cooking bacon and eggs\n<|endoftext|>
>Girl looks at me >The image of me is now pulsing through her neurons>Technically am inside her\n>Later virgins\n<|endoftext|>
>like dungeons and dragons, other  4 >try to join gaming groups>some of the boys always fall in love with me>I must claim her pussy for my own!!!\n>it ruins the group even when I do nothing via simping and infighting>other guys actually blame you for this somehow <|endoftext|>
>really fucking love eating my girl out>love hearing the sounds she makes - >one time realise she makes a>the sounds she makes vary in pitch, I can make her make specific noises at will>try to play the Darth Vader theme on her\n>almost got it >she snaps out of euphoria the second she figures out what I'm trying to do>mood killed instantly >she doesn't trust me down there again >tfw I'm not allowed to eat pussy anymore <|endoftext|>
>be me at 15\n>share pc with family\n>dad screams at me\n>beats me up because I \u201cinstalled a virus on the pc\u201d>look at pc >it's the windows 10 update\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >am 17 >am pretty stupid and broke so decide to sell fake>kids actually believe it's weed and buy some>mfw they fake being high and then come back to buy more>one day called up to principals office\n>there\u2019s a cop in there >they ask to search my bag >mfw all they find is oregano >mfw I say I\u2019m making pasta after school and my friend gave me some oregano he>mfw they can\u2019t do anything so they send me back to class<|endoftext|>
>be me >lonely >have cat >find out cats like back scratches\n>give cat back scratches >cat loves it >cat now follows me around and I give the good scratch>I love cat >cat loves me >I feel loved >not lonely >yes\n<|endoftext|>
>be me >have memory loss >get a gf >everything is good >get drafted for the military >my girl is waiting for me >serve my time >over my time in the service I forgot I had a gf\n>go on living life as normal >grow my hair out and a beard >decide to visit my hometown >go to the local pub >meet a really nice bartender girl >she starts telling me how her husband is in the military\n>tells me she's lonely >icanfixthat.jpeg >we head to her place >fuck like rabbits >finish up and pass out >next morning she's making breakfast\n>as I'm laying in bed I notice a picture\n>it's her and her husband >examine it closely >it's me without my beard and long hair\n>everything suddenly comes back to me\n>I just fucked my own wife >I just cucked myself >forget about it two weeks later <|endoftext|>
>sit down to watch my boyfriend play\n>he's a healer <|endoftext|>
>Senior year\n>Perfect plan\n>Me and my friend\n>We start fighting in the men showers>Kick, punch and push >Burst inside\n>Keep fighting pretending we didn't even realize>Naked girls come rushing and grab us to stop<|endoftext|>
>be a student >your retard roommate bakes a cake >\"hey anon, want to try a slice of cheesecake I made?\u201d -3\n>accept the social opportunity for eating cheesecake >2 hours later >phone notification go brr >'Lena added a new cost for you: 1.74\u20ac cheesecake\u201d\n<|endoftext|>
>be aussie\n>buy boomerang for home defense>needs more danger\n>attach knives to it >really big knives >night falls one day\n>someone breaks in\n>hop out of bed in my kangaroo jammies\n>grab kniferang\n>catch the two stealing my giant spider collection>throw boomberang\n>slices off both of their heads\n>wait how am i gonna catch it\n>it's about to hit me\n>my spiders save me by shooting webs at it>spiders take dead bodies for sustenance\n>go back to bed in my kangaroo jammies\n>realize now the spiders have the kniferange>no one should have that power\n>not even me\n>burn down house\n>nothing remains but warped metal <|endoftext|>
>have 6/10 bf\n>he's really nice and thougftful so it's solid 7/10>sex.exe regularly\n>sometime he wants me to put this on,\n>don't think much about it, maybe just what he likes>until one day he murmured \"Rose\" while sleeping after SeX.exe>wtf is he cheating me?\n>ask him directly who is Rose? he admits it's a 2D character I wear her costume all the time<|endoftext|>
>be me GS >highschool junior>5\u20198\u201d 200Ibs small muscles aw >decide to get fit>better diet >get pneumonia the day after\n>push through\n>lose 2lbs in first week\n>motivated\n>celebrate with a cheat day and a trip to the movies>gain 3lbs from snacks and popcorn\n>mfw\n<|endoftext|>
>Claims Snow White is offensive\n>Refuses to elaborate >Puts seven of his fellow dwarf L actors out of the job<|endoftext|>
>go on akinator >say yes when asked if your character is a porn-star>answer in accordance to what you want your porn-star to look like>profit\n<|endoftext|>
>got my brother's spare key because we live a walking distance>we buy the same kind of bread because that's the same one we>he's a man of schedule, goes >always hated how irregular my habits are >decide to be a shithead for no reason >get a bag of bread on the same day he's gone shopping>toast the entire thing and put it back in the bag\n>wait until it's time for brother's walk >take my bag of toast and sneak in with my keys\n>know where he keeps his bread, switch the bag of bread with the bag of toast>toast two slices of bread to make the whole house smell like toast>escape once they're done\n>make sure I left no mark in the house, touch >make it to home, start gaming\n>25 minutes later I get a text <|endoftext|>
>be me >post true greentext about jacking off into my sisters panties>gets on reddit >sister is redditfag >fake laugh and spaghetti all over >make up excuse about violent diarrhea before leaving>return all stolen panties >mfw this makes it on reddit too <|endoftext|>
>Be me >Live in China >Have a birthday cake addiction\n>Go to store every week to buy cake>Cashiers start to recognise me\n>One cashier eventually questions why I keep buying birthday cake>Tell him I have lots of kids and they all have birthdays around the same time>Cashier gives me funny look >Confused.jpg >Mfw the one child policy <|endoftext|>
>name is Richard\n>dad used to call me \"Dick\" as a kid\n>one Saturday invite friends from elementary school to spend the day at>friends have a good kek at my expense\n>since that day they start calling me Dick too\n>one day at school best friend accidentally calls me \"Cock\">friends jokingly refer to me as Cock since that day\n>other classmates pick up on this and start calling me Cock too>figured this was just an elementary school thing\n>it wasn't\n>for the entirety of my middle/highschool years, I am known only as \"Cock\" to most of my classmates>attended a highschool reunion just before the coof\n>turns out some of my old classmates didn't even know what my actual name was>they still refer to me as Cock to this day This is my name now, I guess<|endoftext|>
>foreign guy at work walks up to me and points at my arms and says \"tattoo?\">I say \"what?\" >\"tattoo? >\"uh, no, I don't have any.\" >'very nice. very good. me neither\"\n>walks away\n<|endoftext|>
>be me, playing WoW >play on asian servers because NA >2 Chinese players bully me >type \"June 4th 1989, Tian an Men >Both disconnect\n>mfw I just sent two inncoent children to a Chinese Labor Camp and got their whole family executed<|endoftext|>
>be american >get fat, get shot, become poor because surgery is>get beheaded by isis >be asian\n>suicide because of stress and no gf >be african\n>be african >be australian\n>get killed by venomous animal and lose war against emu<|endoftext|>
>be me >Serbian >family is pretty racist >hit it off with a Croat girl and start dating her\n>eventually decide to break it to my dad >He\u2019s sitting down reading and I say there\u2019s something I want to tell him>I explain to him that I\u2019ve met someone who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with>\u201dYou better not be telling me you're gay anon.\u201d\n>say that I am not gay, and that I\u2019ve been dating a Croat girl for a few months now>he gives me a harsh look, throws his book at me, & starts yelling and cursing at the top of his lungs>mfw I probably should've just told him I was gay\n<|endoftext|>
>eating popsicle with my friend>it looks phallic\n>we lol a bit\n>lick it seductively while >he is laughing his ass off\n>put it in my mouth and push it as deep as ican>gag and then pull it out\n>i look like one of those hentai girls, spit trailing and everything>he stops laughing and then looks shocked>look down\n>rock hard <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>talented guitarist and pianist / >won numerous talent shows>also a big fan of the youtube channel Vsauce>one day get into an accident >I have to type with my nose\n>can no longer play instruments\n>my life passions are gone\n>feeling really depressed\n>see a new Vsauce video in my subscriptions box\n>\"Is Anything Real?\" uploaded June 3rd 2013\n>so excited to watch a new Vsauce video\n>video starts\n>\"Hey, Vsauce! Michael here! Where are your fingers?\">immediately start crying <|endoftext|>
>be me, 19\n>in college\n>arrive at college before class started, needed to shit before first class>get to the bathroom and open the door\n>profis in there shitting, door wide open\n>stare at each other for a few secs\n>he holds his hand out to close the door\n>i shake his hand <|endoftext|>
>try to get a Chad haircut\n>comes out looking like pic related <|endoftext|>
>be me >8 y/o >on bus home >really damn hungry  m >see much older kid (15) behind>hunger.mpg is using too much >\"hey, can I please have a small bite?\" >he turns to face me >doesnt utter a word, just smiles and hands me the whole hotdog>i grab it and sit back in my seat >happiest little fuck in the bus >22 now and I still regret not thanking that blessed soul<|endoftext|>
>Be me\n>born around 2lbs\n>survive that\n>pull out my oxygen tube and turn purple>almost spawn killed myself\n>gets autism instead <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>born virgin It was rigged from the start<|endoftext|>
>married five years\n>four years ago we bought a house Py together>wife and I are in our early 30s, neighbor is 26\n>a year later neighbor gets pregnant\n>whoopsie\n>she doesn't want an abortion, says she will keep quiet and raise the child>she has a good job and her family has money so I trust her on this>she has the kid, a boy, kind of looks like me (gee I wonder why)>wife tells me neighbor has a baby\n>wife goes and meets neighbor and baby\n>wife becomes friends with neighbor and spends time with baby>we babysit when neighbor has to work late or spend time with friends>wife starts getting baby envy, wants one of her own now>\"our baby can grow up with Anonette's baby and they can play together!\">two years ago wife gets preggo\n>it's a girl >wife and I spend an increasing amount of time with neighbor lady and my son>wife encourages me to spend time with the boy because \"he needs a father figure\u201d>we babysit for neighbor, she babysits for us\n>neighbor tells me that if wife ever leaves me she will be there for me (still fucking her)<|endoftext|>
 (>) r/greentext<|endoftext|>
>skinny white guy comes to wendy's >orders a bunch of large chocolate milkshakes and one small white one>he has his head down the whole time he orders\n>stays like this the whole time his order is prepared\n>hand him the shakes >\"have a nice day!\" >y-you too >see him shuffle over to a corner booth >he encircles the vanilla milkshakes with the chocolate ones>takes a picture >couple of minutes later he starts laughing to himself\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>playing vidya\n>press Quick Play\n>wait 8+ minutes to even join a lobby>only one person in lobby other than me>person leaves as soon as I join\n>disconnect from lobby\n>tfw\n<|endoftext|>
>think about moving arm >just moved matter using nothing but my mind<|endoftext|>
>Mr. Ford here's your costume\n>FUCK YOUR COSTUME I'M DOING THIS LIKE I AM >boomer takes his son to the anime convention\n<|endoftext|>
>be 23 >marry hot chick cougar who's husband died>rebound sex was cray >she has daughter my age >my single dad thinks my wife's daughter is a fox>wtfdad.jpg >they date for a few months and get married.>my stepdaughter is now my stepmother\n>my father is my son in law. >wtf.exe >have kid with cougar wife >dad has kid with my stepdaughter >my baby became a brother in law to dad\n>my baby is now my uncle >my dad's kid is my sister and my stepdaughters baby thus my grandchild>my wife is my step-mothers mother who is now a grandma to my new half-sibling>I am married to my grandma >I am my own grandpa.\n<|endoftext|>
>start talking to girl for first time in years>tell my friend\n>he stalks her or something and gets a job where she works>plays it off as a coincidence >he gets angry at me for still talking to her\n>turns out he thought she'd just as easily go for him because we're both pretty low value men>he starts giving me the whole \"supreme gentleman\" shit and saying girls never want nice guys like him<|endoftext|>
>Georgia? Thats a state nota country its capital is Atlanta bro>Turkey? Thats a bird not a country its origin is America bro>Hungary? No, I just ate <|endoftext|>
>Playing Wow >Someone puts up item worth 14k (During Cata) for auto price>Get it >Receive a message from them immediately stating that they'd clearly made a mistake and>Message them if they mail my 100 gold for my trouble because the situation is extremely>100 gold in my mail 10 seconds later, block them\n<|endoftext|>
>get home and there's gifts on the table >birthday yesterday\n>have to work 12-9pm >be meat clerk and it's a big sale day so it's gonna be busy >mom sys she didnt get anything for birthday because too old for kid stuff like that turning 19>go to work >get yelled at buy customers because new manager didn't order the thing that is on sale\n>be in bad mood until lunch >buy $5 scratcher >win $150.jpg >now in good mood >come back from lunch and co worker bought a tiny cupcake to share from bakery\n>now in better mood >finish cleaning and setting up for tomorrow early so head home >deathgrips shirt and a collecters hp lovecraft book\n>have one of the best birthdays in a long time\n<|endoftext|>
>be me, 17 >just got license >home alone, want McD's >Drive in my Mom's minivan >4chan has been daily browsing for me at this point>drive through >\"Yeah, uhm, can I get a 10 pc of some chicken tendies?\">whatthefuckdidljustsay.exe has been executed>this motherfucker says \"sure anon\u201d\n>oneofus.jpg >drive to window, embarrassed af\n>guy is 20 something, says \"you seem chill\" and passes me note with his>dm him >now best friends.\n<|endoftext|>
> It\u2019s finally time > Tie noose around neck > Kick stool > Fuck up and don\u2019t snap neck\n> Painful but I finally go under\n> Wake up > In wooden wagon with some other guys in it> Hands tied > \u201cYou're finally awake <|endoftext|>
>fixing notebook for a ~70 years old lady>comes, pays, asks about gaming tier GPUs for her desktop>little took back I inquire about the price range and what games,>nope, I play the Assasin >Assassin's creed? >yes, on my grandsons console, I just love Venice>she pauses >and killing people <|endoftext|>
>dates a girl for 3 months >she's really cool, we have similar >finally going to have sex with her >unzip my pants >w-what? >\"It's like a third arm. I don't have room for that.\"\n>she leaves my apartment >we text later, says she had an ex that tore her vag with her dick>apparently, he was \"big\" but still not as \"big\" as me (I'm a little over 7 and a half inches, about 6>now she's afraid of large dicks >she apologizes and says we aren't compatible\n>we agree to break up >feelsbadman >over the next two days, get texts from three of her friends and her cousin (all female) to hookup>feelsbetterman\n<|endoftext|>
> Guys who post 4chan > Guys who post on reddit > Guys who post on instagram\n> Guys who post on linkedin > Guys who post on twitter\n<|endoftext|>
>be me\n>get sick\n>decide to eat\n>mfw I got even more sick from eating>mfw i got even more sick from not eating<|endoftext|>
>Be at Swedish ship cruise >haven't defecated in a week week >shit at least three giant python in the toilet\n>try to flush >not working.jpg >panic > try to flush again but shit doesn't flush\n>look for a cleaner lady in the hallway\n>Swedish is really bad so grab the hand of cleaner, and take her to the bathroom\n>try to flush and say \"titta\"(watch in english) while push flush button >shit goes quite normally away to sewer <|endoftext|>
>why yes, i spend 20% of my allowance on reddit gold awards to let people know<|endoftext|>
>never ask anyone out\n>never get rejected\n>basically irresistible haha who's the chad now<|endoftext|>
>ex-classmate creates a messenger group>adds me and other classmates in it>another classmate asks what this >have the sudden inexplicable urge >\"One word, PARTY!\" >decide not to in the last moment\n>classmate that texts >its for another classmate's mother's funeral\n>tfw I almost called a burial a party\n<|endoftext|>
>Steve Harvey: \"We asked 100 people,>Contestant: \"The >SH: \"A WUH... HUH??\" >audience erupts into laughter >Steve Harvey grabs onto podium to support himself>laughter gets even louder >SH: \"O lordy...\u201d >one man goes into cardiac arrest and many others begin vomiting profusely from>SH: \"YOU PEOPLE NEED HELP\" >the Earth shatters and Satan rises from the underworld to claim unworthy souls>the universe begins rapidly closing in on itself>SH: (putting on a weary voice) \"Survey says...\">the board shows 100 for \"penis\" >Harvey is able to get off one more shocked look before existence as we know it comes<|endoftext|>
>be me >on vacation in France with family >we can hear the staff belittling us for being tourists >grandpa leans into my ear and tells me to play >slowly starts speaking in a more southern accent >by the time the check comes he is completely >end of the meal comes >he tucks the table cloth into his pants and gets up >naturally all the plates and glasses break >everyone turns and looks >grandpa runs out of the fucking restaurant >fly back to America before we get in legal trouble <|endoftext|>
>weird fucking dream i had:\n>chilling in my room\n>look through my window on second floor>see three elderly women passing by on the road>one of them looks at my window\n>oh shit they saw me\n>she takes a TV temote control and points it towards my window.>window turns black\n>bitch just turned off my window\n>wake up angry\n>what?? <|endoftext|>
>be me\n>23 year old male\n>poo fetish\n>usally order the goods from websites specialised for this>moved to detroit recently >couldnt take the poo with me\n>ordered new poo online\n>package didnt arrive\n>ask ups they say it has been delivered\n>wtf?\n>check security cammera\n>some porch pirate stole the fucking package\n>mfw <|endoftext|>
> How dol get an Italian MILF gf? <|endoftext|>
>gf praises me for being smart  I ff 4. >I flunked out of art school while she = >gf tells me! am so tall>lam 5'7\", she is 5'6\"\n>gf tells me I am a natural leader\n>I am shy and quiet\n>gf wishes she was athletic like me\n>I am a shut nerd What is she doing? I don't understand what she>my gf is being nice to me\n>what is her endgame?\n<|endoftext|>
>am fully vaccinated >still wear a mask in public because it triggers antimaskers into>I'm free to wear a mask and that freedom makes them seeth.<|endoftext|>
>go to iFunny >post a green text >get called a Reddit user\n>get called a normie <|endoftext|>
>read provided course math textbook>be hopelessly confused, not even begin to understand>go to 2 hr class, lose track in 5 >go home and copy paste >understand how to do it in 5 minutes <|endoftext|>
>get covid\n>getting worse over 2 week period\n>come to terms with my death\n>decide to crack open my gamer girl pee and take a sip, because>sense of smell and taste come >gulp down the whole bottle\n>feel super tired, fall asleep\n>wake up, 100% cured <|endoftext|>
>tfw red dead redemption 2 made me realize that there's no hiding from civilization since it's>tfw can't even really homestead today bc of stupid laws>can't even properly explore anything anymore because there isn't anything still left to explore<|endoftext|>
> Me about a week ago > Feeling depressed, tell a story > Next morning, see my fucking greentext at the > Has like 5k karma, and all the comments are > You faggots are probably reading this on <|endoftext|>