To The Poet Laureate
by Thomas William Hodgson Crosland

My dear Poet Laureate, -
Do not, I implore you,
Be perturbed.
It is not my purpose to harp
Upon old strings,
Or to express the smallest satisfaction
Either with you as an official personage
Or with your verses as a production of an official personage;
I have called to-day, as it were,
For a little quiet talk:
You are a fellow-townsman of mine,
Consequently
I am a fellow-townsman of yours;
We ought to get on well together.
Between ourselves, my dear Poet Laureate,
It seems to me
That if you were to set about it
In the right way
You might, with very little trouble
Render a real service to the State
Being as you are
The only writer fellow
Who in his literary capacity
Is associated with the Court,
You have, if I may say so, chances and opportunities
Such as do not appear to have been vouchsafed
To any other contemporary worker in the department of Letters.
Our Gracious Sovereign Lord King Edward VII.
(I make no doubt)
Continually consults you on matters literary
"Dear Mr. Austen" (I can hear him saying),
"Would you now advise me to read
Mr. Newverse's Sonnets
And Miss Jumpabouti's new novel,
Or would you not?"
Of course, my dear Poet Laureate,
If you were one of those stiff ungenerous Poets Laureate
Who make it a rule to stick to business,
You would say very respectfully,
"Your Majesty honours me,
But I am not your Majesty's Book-Taster,
Being, as your Majesty is aware,
Paid only to wangle my harp
In celebration of Births, Deaths, and Marriages.
Therefore I must respectfully, civilly, humbly, and generally otherwisely
Beg to decline to answer your Majesty's kind inquiry."
But my dear Poet Laureate,
There is nothing of that sort about you.
You believe that a Poet Laureate,
Should not only be a sort of walking rhyming dictionary,
But also a general compendium of advice, counsel, and straight tips
For crowned heads.
Hence (I make no doubt)
That when his Majesty the King
Does ask you for a hint as to the kind of book he ought to read
You break the marble box of your wisdom
Upon the palace floor
And expound things to him.
Having thus the ear
Of an exceedingly amiable and capable Monarch,
You should by all means
Take advantage of the circumstance
To do what you can in that quarter
For the benefit of your brethren and sisters of the pen.
Many of them, my dear Poet Laureate,
Are at the present moment
Going about the country
With weary souls and tattered nerves
Because their Services to Literature
Have not been blessed and approved,
Not to say "recognised,"
By the Crown.
Some of them believe in their hearts
That they ought to have a peerage.
Others desire to be Baronets, Knights, and so forth,
In order that their wives may be called "Lady."
Others, whom I know,
Would be well content with a humble K.C.B.
And yet others
Would go off their heads with joy
If they might only be invited regularly
To the King's Levees and Droring Rooms.
My dear Poet Laureate,
I charge you to do your best for these suffering people.
WRITING IS A NOBLE ART,
IT SHOULD MOST CERTAINLY BE RECOGNISED BY THE CROWN.
Rub these facts well in, my dear Poet Laureate
(You know who to rub 'em into);
And while you are about it,
There are two persons
On whose behalf
You might use every legitimate endeavour
To rub your hardest -
One of them, my dear Poet Laureate, is YOURSELF
And the other is
MYSELF.
Your own desires in the way of "recognition"
Are of course your own affair,
Ask for what you like, my dear Poet Laureate,
And see that you get it,
For me
(Let me whisper)
I want a pension.