YOU!!! 

your birth certificate was an apology from the condom factory

you must've been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen

shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is

it looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork

you dumbass

if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid

You must be the arithmetic man; you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.

I hear when you were a child your mother wanted to hire somebody to take care of you, but the mafia wanted too much.

We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
 
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the tea.