What I dislike about your proposed version is that it doesn't carry the forms / aspects distinction which was the point of my proposal. I think it's extremely important to have this distinction in mind. a) If we're going to keep "political liberalism" in there, we need to call it an "aspect", because no liberal objects to what's been called "political liberalism" here, so it doesn't exactly make sense to call it a "form" of liberalism which people argue over. b) The reason I insist on this is that modern political ideologies borrow certain aspects of liberal thought, and then abandon others. The "aspects" division gives people the power to understand the influence of the liberal tradition by comparing it to other ideologies with these categories in mind. The perfect example is that of "social conservatives" who (can be) economically liberal without being socially liberal.
In any case, if the forms/aspects division is tossed, then I'd rather that those sections called "cultural" and "political" liberalism also be removed, or placed in a different section, since they already describe essential / noncontroversial issues within liberalism.
IIRC The only paragraph I ommitted was the last one about modern-day liberalism/lip service, since it was already discussed earlier in the section (and seemed out of place given the topic of this section). The other sections were shuffled around to one place or another.