" 

 == Chuck Norris  == 

 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.  

 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 

 Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.  

 Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants. 

 Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. 

 Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds. 

 Chuck Norris can speak braille. 

 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.  

 Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno. 

 Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. 

 Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body. 

 Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face. 

 Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.  

 Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. 

 Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris  

 Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims. 

 When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.  

 Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.  

 Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.  

 Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. 

 Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian. 

 Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 

 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 

 Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris. 

 Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain. 

 It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box. 

 Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.  

 The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 

 The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in ""Sidekicks"" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. 

 Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, ""Now.""  

 Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 

 Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.  

 There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma. 

 Whispering ""Fuck Chuck Norris"" is the quickest but most painful form of suicide on Earth. 

 Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is. 

 Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel. 

  
 The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.  

 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.  

 The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris.  

 Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul. 

 Chuck Norris divides by zero.  
 Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.  

 When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.  

 A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this