== Things I do not like == 

  
 I do not like people with red hair and freckles. 

  
 I do not like people who are opposed to polygamy. 
 

 I do not like Pearl Harbor memorials. 
 

 I do not like “Race for the Cure” events. 
 

 I do not like the Hamburglar. 
 

 I do not like people who enjoy Fig Newtons. 
 

 I do not like women who are virgins. 
 

 I do not like men who are not virgins. 
 

 I do not like being ticketed for firing my handgun into the air to celebrate Martin Luther King Day.  
 

 I do not like people on the bus who tell you they aren’t stoned when they clearly are. 
 

 I do not like women who make me lye underneath a glass table then watch while they squat on top of it and use the restroom. 
 

 I do not like immigrants, legal or otherwise. 
 

 I do not like when people steal my food stamps out of the mailbox. 

  
 I do not like when children try to join me in the ball pit at McDonalds. 

  
 I do not like people who consider Della Reese unattractive. 

  
 I do not like having to change my Mother’s Depends. 
 

 I do not like when my dogs knock over my trash cans and spread the garbage around because I forgot to feed them for a few days. 
 

 I do not like women who are nicknamed “Expensive.” 
 

 I do not like the handicapped. 
 

 I do not like being told I am too old to use the facilities at Chuck E. Cheese. 
 

 I do not like people who think God doesn’t hate them. 
 

 I do not like those who want to censor my artwork simply because it portrays me eating babies for Thanksgiving. It’s called “Real life” people. 
 

 I do not like people who think Star Trek fans have a right to live. 
 

 I do not like people who won’t hire me because I have a “Hitler moustache.” 

  
 I do not like women who demand money before sex. 
 

 I do not like when I shave my nether regions and women refuse to have sex with me because they think my razor-bumps are herpes. 

  
 I do not like when my friend gets more sympathy sex than I do because he only has one ball. 
 

 I do not like being told by a Prosecutor that I belong in prison just because I left a back-pack full of explosives on my neighbor’s front steps. 
 

 I do not like people who think I am unpatriotic just because I got kicked out of the military. 
 

 I do not like women who think that my buying them dinner and a movie then having sex with them is somehow different than just offering them $30 for sex. 
 

 I do not like when people call me “Dom Deluise fucker.” 
 

 I do not like people who expect me to drive slower just because I am in a school zone. 
 

 I do not like being banned as a guest on Jerry Springer because the show’s insurance company would drop them. 
 

 I do not like being banned from living in my own house because it violates numerous health and safety codes. 
 

 I do not like being in a meaningful relationship with a woman only to later find out she has a penis. 
 

 I do not like being considered “Not mentally stable” enough to drive a school bus. Also, I have too many DUIs. Also, I sold my driver’s license to some little kids for $20. 
 

 I do not like the fact the newspaper will not let me use the word “Hirsute” in a personal ad. 
 

 I do not like being charged with manslaughter just because I happened to be drunk when I hit an illegal immigrant running across the highway. 
 

 I do not like being arrested for “Public urination” by a cop who remembers arresting me for it a few months ago. 
 

 I do not like being prohibited from owning firearms because I threatened to kill the President. 
 

 I do not like always having patchy eyebrows because the cockroaches eat them while I’m asleep. 
 

 I do not like mail order brides who wish to learn English so they can get away from me. 
 

 I do not like women who think deodorant is a cure for bacterial vaginosis. 
 

 I do not like parents who make their children drink paint thinner as punishment like my parents did. 
 

 I do not like having to get penis-reduction surgery. 
 

 I do not like people who disapprove of my wearing spandex pants. 
 

 I do not like when my friends act like they are cool because they raped someone. Who cares? 
 

 I do not like when I am having sex with someone and my dog farts then le