Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your  face.
For Brockmann, stereotypes imperil national security if real threats go unnoticed while racialized Muslims are stigmatized as violent and fanatical. Moreover, she claims, positive as well as negative stereotypes prevent intimacy and love from flourishing.
A girl runs up to her mother with a pile of crap in her hand "Look what I almost stepped in!"
gotta wonder if baseball still would've been called america's pastime if candy crush was around
When you're dreading getting in the shower cuz you're lazy, but then you get in and you're like, this is my home now.
Parenthood feels like you're on a magical unicorn that's on fire and eats your food.
It's Friday night and I'm out of control! Getting a bit wild tonight cuz I'm about to put on my good pajamas, and eat some Froot Loops on the couch with a fluffy blanket.
me: I didn't know this was a hibachi restaurant waiter throwing shrimp at me: it's not I just don't like your face
Maybe we need to turn the United States off and then back on again.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.. .. he said he couldn't complain.
me at karaoke: if the crowd isn't digging me you do your thing my friend who can throw up on cue: no worries
Be us straight, queer, muscular, fat, tall, short, twink, bear, large, small, piercing, hairy, slim, domineering, submissive, HIV Poz or Negative, we are all brothers. Let's not discriminate among ourselves, we already suffer discrimination.
I've learned how to turn self-doubt into an energy source and to metabolize fear into a result-producing adrenaline. Wednesday Wisdom
These Disney covers are making me very nostalgic. What's your favorite Disney song? American Idol
Iyanna’s CashApp has been disabled. We will update this thread when we have more information.
they never mention this but you can only become a veterinarian once you can untangle two geese
My girlfriend told me that my dick is two inches bigger than her ex's. And that is why she will never go back into a lesbian relationship.
Yes, that was my husband skipping on national television. He's a bit competitive. Still A Kid At Heart Beat An Eighth Grader
If a child has an episode of AOM prior to 12 mos of age, they have a 70% chance of another AOM episode sometime in their life. AAP 19 tweet iatric ian
Almost time East Coast. Gather around - 20 minutes until 2020! Rockin Eve
Just 5 days until we launch the new black kids swim website! The questions, requests, participation, and continued support from black swimmers and black swim parents have pushed us to become a more dynamic organization.
Up next, who stays and who goes home? I'll be back with the results American Idol
The first minute in the hot tub always feels the best... after that it's hard to relax with my neighbors yelling at me to get out of their yard.
Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense... You could say it was a vague rant.
Almost 20 years later, we still carry the scars of xenophobia, islamaphobia, and 9/11 is used as a tool to keep people out of our country instead of a memorial. May we grow and change this year. And may their memories be a blessing.
Sitting her wondering are my 5 inch heels days over. All the guys look so comfortable and the women are suffering. I 'm always prepared for any occasion. I want pretty feet in the future. you girlfriend next door i m just saying
Be HIS BEST FRIEND.. real talk
I burned a kid in a wheelchair today. Hot wheels.
What's the difference between mass and weight? Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on Catholics. 
My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won't let me send back wedding RSVP cards.
You'd be surprised how much you can learn from people who disagree with you.
You know... When someone says to you "Jesus loves you." It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail.
If Whites were the 'positive' in 1950s. Then blacks must been 'niggative'
The US flag on the moon lost its color and is now completely white It's now the French flag.
Scratch and win tickets that look like scabs where you have to pick them off to see if you won.
What's the difference between a blonde and an Airbus A380? Not everyone has been in an Airbus A380.
Having sex with a waitress sucks. She only takes the tip.
The difference between husbands and wives: When my wife says 'I need to talk to you about something', there is a 99% chance it's not good. When I say 'I need to talk to you about something', there is an 99% chance it will be followed by a fart.
Out of respect for all of you who have children and are forced to homeschool I've started drinking heavily this morning…
What's another name for a boxy plow pulling baby maker? A Mexican. 
Respect your partner, hold on tight to your man if indeed he shows how much he loves you. Real gay love is so hard, 'haaarrrrd' to find. Just be lucky you found one.
I am so ready for my workplace drug test today. I stayed up all night studying all the street drugs. Ask me anything! I know all about meth, marijuana, special k... I even did some coke just to try it out and help me stay awake.
3yo: I'm thirsty Husband: I'll get you water 3yo: no. I want her to get it for me *points to me* Me, asleep:
To the contestants who didn't make it through to the next round, your journey isn't over. It's just getting started! Take the judges' notes and make us all proud. Can't wait to see where it takes you! Hollywood Week American Idol
Coworker: Can you believe it's the end of November already? Me, unsurprised by the passage of time: Yes
Do NOT compare your boyfriend to your ex. He doesn't want to be like your ex, Nor does he want to be compared to your ex
If alcohol influences short-term memory, what does alcohol do?
Nothing meant for you can be stopped by anyone but you!! There is greater in you...You simply have to believe....Doubt is the death of dreams. -Monica Brown
I wonder if I'm the most famous person from my high school. Morrow High School, Ellenwood, GA. Class of 2004
What's a blind mans worst fear ? A prius
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Switching gears... Now inside the Dolby Theatre to usher in the final moments before the big show. On ABC - tune in! Oscars
What did the momma hawk say to her chicks? Quit falcon around or get the flock outta here!
[family watching as the paramedics work on me] why aren't you getting him back? *me dunking on 8 foot rims in heaven*
hey, brands. you don't need to do a 9/11 post. it’s ok. take the day off. we will pick back up with the pillsbury doughboy tomorrow. whether chester cheeto is for or against terrorism is not in question.
It's so hard to dress my 3yo that I've given up. She can wear pajamas all day. She can dress herself if she wants, and wear underwear on her head with pants as a shirt. I really don't care anymore. You do you girl.
In light of all the recent blond jokes... Why are blond jokes so short? So men can remember them.
What do they call Peter Pan in China? Peter Wok
if you love something, let it go. if it comes back, it might be a boomerang. bro..? are you in love with a boomerang
Mia: Remember when I went thru that dumb phase? Me: No. When was that? Mia: The other day. It was like 2 whole minutes! She Keeps Me Young 😂
yeah, I believe in PREMARITAL SEX P - parentheses R E - exponents M - multiplication A R I D - division A - addition L S - subtraction E X
I realized wrestling was fake when the undertaker who's known as 'the dead man' had to wear a knee brace
Scientists say dolphins may even be smarter than human beings, but that's funny because I don't remember ever getting my head caught in the plastic rings a six pack comes in.
Imagine putting all this work and effort into your kids to make sure they become decent people, and they grow up to not be funny.
My Muslim girlfriend wants to blow me Should I be excited or call the cops?
I miss the kidsI can't wait to see the spark in their eyes when they see the nature, the animals.' Mai, Green Horizons Volunteer Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel Green Horizons
My heart sinks as I think about children being unable to bathe and sleeping on the floor. It shakes me to my core. This is not a political post. I don’t care about your voting record or what side of the line you live on. What’s important to me is treating all human beings humanely.
It's called the 'guest bedroom', but a more appropriate name would be 'the room I sleep in when my wife is sick of my snoring'
[Community outreach] can generate community, empathy, and compassionwe work to spread this rather than fear and stress.' Ayelet Shmuel, Head of Clinical Centers for Resilience in Sderot Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel
What do you call three cars overtaking you in Mexico? Tres-passers.
Homeschooling is going great I only cried in the bathroom twice today.
Man.. saddened by the news of the passing of Bill Withers. My condolences to his family and loved ones. I wake up almost every morning and listen to 'Lovely Day'. Bill's music will continue to make the world a better place and live on forever. Rest easy, legend. ❤ï
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God." Matthew 5:9 Praying For Charlotte
Edward Carmack's statue was sitting in the state Capitol until it was torn down last week in the protests. The state of Tennessee has vowed to replace it.
As we consider medical conditions and complications, it is important to consider the role mental health plays in identification & treatment.
I just found out my father's sister doesn't like Jewish people. Its hard to believe I have a relative who is auntie semitic.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
The craziest thing you can do as an adult is fall asleep on the couch. You know you're gonna wake up at 3am with an aching back AND you still gotta shamefully walk to your bed.
What do you call a gay dentist? The Tooth Fairy
Normally when I take my kids to the playground I'm the alpha male there, but today there were a few nine year olds who were pretty intimidating.
Follow your heart but don't forget your brain
Hey guys having a tech glitch - will be back up on Strava shortly. You may need to refollow me, sorry!
What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.
Any organization lacking true diversity is unable to empathize with those who experience racism, and ill equipped to respond with sincerity and effective action. Thankfully, Blackswimmers have always had a support group.
There were further modifications but the extant policy has still been a problem; in preparation for a meeting with the person responsible for overseeing policy, I gathered some readings on how dress codes are classist, sexist, and racist, explicitly and/or in practice, as enforced.
3yo's are like unfiltered drunk people that love gummy fruit snacks.
A REAL MAN chooses to honor, love, respect, adore and be faithful to one woman.
Black Trans people's right to self determinate is vital to the survival of Black Trans people and to the health of the Black community at large. In addition to food, we have provided funds for name changes, surgeries, + clothes that help Black Trans folx live on their own terms.
me: there were two controllers firefighter holding my xbox: im not going back in
Tag us or reply below if you have resources or updates that need to be shared. Black Out Tuesday
The richest man is not the one who owns the most, but the one who needs the least
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
A blind man walks into a fish store ... and says: "Whats up girls".
Different types of hugs He keeps you at his chest. Well, this kind of hug suggests you the fact that he loves you very much..
helped us along our way. We are grateful for you! INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON THOSE THAT FAIL TO VALUE OUR POTENTIAL BLACK KIDS SWIM CHOOSES TO REMAIN GRATEFUL AND RECOGNIZE THE CHAMPIONS WHO PRIORITIZE BLACK SWIMMERS. **
What do black people with Down's Syndrome call their friends? Their Chromies
Thomas Dolby: She blinded me with science. Neil deGrasse Tyson: That's technically true. But if we're being specific, it was pepper spray.
Solitary confinement is supposed to be the worst psychological punishment for prison inmates, but I can confirm being locked up with small kids is worse.
me: i want this thing brain: it's expensive and you will just get bored of it in two weeks me: but it will make me happy now brain: yes but don't you want to be happy in the long term and not just for a few days me: i already bought it brain: son of a -
A study has shown that AfrAms believe that depression and other mental disorders are a sign of personal weakness. No, it's not. Stomp Stigma
The awkward moment you're watching porn and your girlfriend walks in. I wish she'd told me she worked in the industry.
Roses are red Sunflowers are yellow HPV vaxx prevents cancer Whether you're a gal or a fellow Vax Facts February Health Policy Valentines Vaccines Save Lives
parents: we just want you to be yourself me: *gets a tattoo* parents: you have disgraced the family
A Jewish girl.. ..asks her father, "Dad? Can I have 50 dollars?" he says, "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"
The nice thing about aging is that when you're over 40, you don't need to impress everyone anymore, and for the most part you don't.
this ass don’t quit, but the rest of me has given up almost immediately
Someone asked me what my most attractive quality is and I just said lasagna
Give a man a jacket He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.
playing the drums on the steering wheel but slowing down because you know a tricky part is coming up
Did you hear about the basketball tournament in Mexico? Its Juan vs. Juan
Comedians and politicians are basically the same They both lie to please an audience haha
What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I'll do is run through those paper walls pretending I'm the Kool-Aid man.
waitress: are you sure you want an ambulance to come? me: there's no way these are mild
A reminder to start looking for that post-it with the WiFi password before family comes over for Thanksgiving next week
Thanks for letting us share our Robertson heritage experience with you. I'm actually part German. Next maybe Oktoberfest? Wishful Thinking
Wow, August is flying by! Agree or disagree?
What do I mean by seemingly neutral rules that discriminate in practice? A rule that prohibits everyone from wearing short skirts is not explicitly about women but it will disproportionately affect them. Similarly, banning locs will disproportionately impact Black people.
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
That was a fun shower! But we know marriage is hard work. Please join our family in praying for JohnLuke and MaryKate's commitment. Forever
[writing my own obituary after taking out a full page ad] ...and that concludes grade 6. Now here are the people I didn't like from grade 7
imagine your card gets declined at red lobster and all the lobsters in the tank up front start laughing at you
1 final performance then we take it from 5 to 3. Coming up next! American Idol
*follows dreams *dreams get creeped out and call the police
*declares himself safe after 'telling wife to calm down' incident earlier this evening
I'm hiding from my kids in the closet so I can peacefully eat some cookies. I can hear them all walking around like a bunch of DEA agents. I'm trying my best to destroy all the evidence before they bust me.
You have always been a great guy and I know your next chapter of life will be amazing. Congrats again and keep crushing it!
30 seconds into the show and I'm already getting emotional American Idol
During this challenging time full of uncertainty, our team is finding hope and solace through our love of reading. We invite you to join us in finding community and moments of joy by sharing what you're reading with the hashtag Books Connect Us
lol these ppl "don't see race" right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they're 18th century anthropologists
Finding out that Neicy Nash is queer is the best thing to happen this year!!!!!!!
A good relationship is worth the wait. On that note: Good morning.
What do you call a homosexual man on a wheel chair? A human being
Sometimes, minding your business saves you the heartbreaks.
Any Latin teachers out there? I'm trying to get a close translation approximation to "We are all insignificant". Is "Omnes Nos Humilem" close? It was my high school language but that was in the 1900s.
Asking for help starts with a conversation. Let's talk to one another. Listen to one another. Help each other. Black Mental Health Matters
In China the labels read, "Made by someone you know."
The Advocate began as a protest in 1967. The LGBTQ+ movement gained justice by protesting. We stand by the belief that police brutality must end and that black lives matter and we stand by the right to protest. George Floyd Tony Mc Dade Black Trans Lives Matter
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
straight men will make fun of other guys for getting pedicures and literally have hobbit feet. like go back to the shire, oakley
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.
there should be a court but for things that aren't illegal. like if your roommate ate all the ripple out the butterscotch ripple
The world Dallas works in and encounters publicly is racially diverse and lots of people are "mixed race." The books abound with food-and-beverage skin color descriptions for non-white characters. Two of Dallas's bosses are dark skinned men but all the women in her ambit are white.
When your kid says mom in that tone that kinda makes you want to scream WHAT, but somehow you keep your composure and use your nice mom voice instead.
In order to strengthen our relationship, my wife and I have decided we're only going to say positive things to each other. For example, today she told me I was 'really good at leaving the dishwasher full of dishes'.
People who go to the gym for exercise, but complain about having to park one block away and walk: explain.
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
Everyday, some gay guys get HIV treatment and live healthier lives. They take care of their health and manage HIV as a condition not sickness. What are you waiting for? Get tested, Get treatment. HIV isn't a death sentence. HIV isn't AIDS.
Black men shot by police, mass sterilization in border concentration camps, billionaires rolling in the dough while millions starve, environmental protections being rolled back, racism, antisemitism, homophobia, islamaphobia, conspiracy theories...how many fronts must we fight???
Some people have trouble sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed. haha
They shouldn't give participation ribbons to kids, they should give them to adults because when you're over 30 years old, getting up the motivation to go out and do stuff is a big deal.
What belongs to me but is used the most by others? My ex-wife
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Cell phones didn't work. We couldn't get in touch with our cousins in New York City, one of whom worked very close to the Twin Towers. Circuits were busy, so we couldn't tell our parents we were okay. All of us were shaken and traumatized.
Gassy Joke What makes a Mexican gassy? Taco night. What makes a white person gassy? Chipotle. What makes a Jew gassy? Auschwitz
You wouldn't ignore signs of heart attack or broken bone. Don't ignore signs of mental illness. Take care of your brain and mind. Stop Stigma
This is who I am. I'm not perfect. I don't want to try to be perfect. Monday Motivation
me rolling down window of time machine: McDonald's hot dog? guy in 2027: not yet bud
I'm shaking what my momma gave me. It's the most darling snowglobe I've ever seen. LOOK AT IT.
Do people sometimes unintentionally claim others' ideas as their own b/c they've forgotten/assimilated them? Sure. That's where a scholarly community has to hold them accountable. Whose work do we allow to pass as conventional wisdom/public domain and who do we insist on crediting?
Girls never know what they want and Boys never know what they have. Moral of the story: Relationships are grown folks business.
Being a fat guy at McDonald's is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
HIV has moved on, so why do we still live with stigma? It's not retro, it's just wrong. HIV Not Retro World AIDS Day
Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
It's pretty racist that Denzel Washington keeps getting typecasted as black men.
gender is a social construct. u do not have to be a guy fieri, u can be any type of fieri u want.
What is going on with female friendships today? Life does not have to be this complicated. Comprise Ladies. your girlfriend next door
Congrats Cäsar! Keep up the great work!
This morning I went to the bathroom without having a phone to entertain me, just like our ancestors used to
This article was particularly interesting because it connected racism with psychological and physical health problems.
30 mins til we kick off Idol S2! You ready East Coast? American Idol The Next Idol
The difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Me: Search this area for coffee shops Google Maps: Ok I searched the entire eastern seaboard that’s what you wanted right? Me: No just this area Google Maps: Huh? Me: Just search for coffee shops in this area Google Maps: Here’s your house did you want to see your house?
We have to cherish the pain that we experience, as we cherish the joy, without one there wouldn't be the other, and it's what makes us alive and I think that's very very important. -Gloria Vanderbilt gloria vanderbilt RIH your girlfriend next door
3yo: I want a banana Me: *gives her banana* 3yo: no! Me: soooo no banana? 3yo: banana! Me: you want this banana? 3yo: NO Me: well, what do you want!? 3yo, crying: I DON'T KNOW well, we're making progress
I was brushing my teeth when my fingers cramped up throwing the middle finger. I was looking in the mirror as I gave myself the finger, and I couldn't stop it. 2020 vibes.
Things are going great in life right now' Life (interrupts): Actually...
Don't approach your personal or business renovation without the right partner in your corner, not only encouraging you but also telling you the hard stuff, someone who will be brutally honest with you. Monday Motivation
Superman should have to wear a medic alert bracelet that says kryptonite on it.
I don't get why people make such a big deal about revealing the gender of their kid. It's no surprise, we all know you're having a baby. You can burn the world down to reveal that you're giving birth to a unicorn. Cuz that shit is crazy. We haven't seen a unicorn.
Me-Where was Connor today? Mia-Another school Me-Aw, he's so cute Mia-Mom! He's just another normal, disgusting middle school boy. 7 th Grade
What did the fat guy give to the fat girl? Just the tip...
My wife and I do it doggy-style... ...she plays dead and I beg. 
The first thing I do when I get to a restaurant is pull out a pen and paper so I can write down all the questions I have about the menu.
To all of the amazing dads out there, thank you!! Happy Fathers Day
me on august 31st: omg it's so hot me on september 1st: *wearing my heaviest sweater and drenched in sweat* don't you just love the smell of autumn in the air!
Me: come pick up your toys 3yo, walking around with a plastic phone: I'm in a meeting call Times have changed
Tiny penis jokes tend to come a little short
[to my wife from my deathbed] grab my phone. open up the group text HamChat II and tell the boys I love em
Here for friendship failure prevention. We all need a tuneup from time to time. save frienship s your girlfriend next door saving friendships friendship friendship counseling
Bald people struggle with improv, They can't seem to come up with anything off the top of their head.
It still lasts today. But with the pain of loss and shock comes the shame that we allowed our country to turn to nationalism, jingoism, islamaphobia, and two endless wars. We missed the mark, and didn't unite like we should have. We got angry, and made angry decisions.
This really is the most talented group we've ever had! American Idol
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can't be good.......
Ultimately, while taking cognizance of larger social norms and discourses and critiquing anti-Muslim bigotry and anti-black racism, Brockmann emphasizes individual inner transformation resulting from intimate human connections across racial-ethnic differences.
[Normally in this kibbutz], we are very close and families spend a lot of time together. We had to close down the playground we have. But we are still in touch and communicate through Zoom.' Tal Hakim Dromi, Secretary of Kibbutz Pelech Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel
If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question. Is it in yet?
I think in order to have a great business you have to like the product you're selling more than the money you get.
If Eminem converted to Islam.. ..he'd be MuSlim Shady.
Black trans-masculine barbers in NY where ya at? We tryna sumn.
Arguing over which politician is less corrupt is like arguing over which pile of dog poop smells less disgusting.
Once you fill out the form, you will receive email correspondence from us to confirm your food bag.
Would you rather be able to speak every language in the world or be able to talk to animals? Stray Questions
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type, I'd be her type.
Breaking News: Uncovered Nazi documents reveal a cure for cancer was found... An oven.. rofl
Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights.
That chick really knocked my socks off. And I had just finished folding and stacking them, too.
The easiest thing to do when the free antivirus software on your new computer expires is to buy another new computer with more free antivirus software.
What do you call a prositute on her period? Unemployed.
Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".
[Jewish National Fund's] gift annuity program is one of the largest in the country.' - Matt Bernstein, Chief Planned Giving Officer Powered By JNF JNF On Demand
I was so amazed with all of the JNF projects all over [Israel].' Hal Linden, Emmy Award winning actor Powered By JNF JNF On Demand
This will be my first HHD in Ten freakin years that I'm not going to be on the pulpit.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? The man. ROFL
Listen very carefully: Your. Mental. Health. Matters. Take care of it. For yourself. For them. But mainly for yourself.
I gave my girlfriend a teeth whitening today. Too bad most landed on her chin
the groom should have a song to walk down the aisle to as well. most likely the chicago bulls intro
Social media is great for those times when you don't want to go to somewhere overcrowded like costco or the mall but still feel like being annoyed by a lot of people.
Did you hear about the fat guy who spent his free time in a British casino? He heard it was a fast way to lose pounds.
I heard Steven Spielberg is directing a film about a fat alien... It's called "Eat-T, The Extra Cholesterol".
What's black and white and loves kids? Michael Jackson
my kid's soccer coach: the game is cancelled me: did it have racist tweets the other parents who aren't on twitter: from the rain I think
How many people do you know that existing vs. living. I was told today that my life was a living example of joy and a life well lived.
I asked my boyfriend "How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?"
[trying to start a conversation after being married for ten years] if I had a nascar I could get to work in six minutes
Hey girlfriends... May you go from overlooked to overbooked. your girlfriend next door
The government is like that friend that says they want to help you, but then all they do is mooch off of you and make your life harder.
I bought my wife 2 different mouth guards for her snoring and they work great! Before we go to bed, if I shove each one in my ears I can barely hear her.
I sensed heated presence of my parentswe named our first daughter in honor of my mother...and [my emotions] changed when my daughter was in a tragic car accident' Yossi Ron, Chairman of the Organization for the Children of Kfar Etzion Yom Ha Zikaron
sure space exploration is important but we have discovered zero waterparks up there meanwhile here on earth we have dozens of waterparks
Anyone who thinks being a fan of e-sports is of less value than being a fan of traditional sports is wrong. They're both equally stupid and pointless.
I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"
If you send me to get burgers and fries I will eat your fries in the car. I'm not gonna drive alone in a car with some fires and not eat them.
Operator: For quality assurance, this call is being recorded. Me: Okay, cool. Could I get a copy? Operator: ...
at some point as a kid you play your last game of tag and some kids end their tag career being it. that's how we get goths
straight guy: please don't hit on me bro i'm not into that gay stuff me: don't worry you're not even my type straight guy: me: straight guy: but like what is your type bro
I asked my 5yo what's her favorite thing we do together, and it wasn't the painting, or the slime making. She said, watching movies. I think I'm putting way too much effort into this parenting thing.
Abstract: American imperialism and the war on terror loom large in today's popular romances. Military romances featuring spec-ops warriors and their terrorist enemies appeal to, reflect on, and sometimes critique patriotic ideals.
9: I really like giving massages. I think when I grow up I’ll be a misogynist.
How many homophobes does it take to change a light bulb? They can't because they are too afraid to change
In spite of being a psychotic murderer, you can tell Freddie Kruger wants us to know he's a playful, fun loving guy because he goes by Freddie instead of Fred or Frederick.
Remember that you are still a man. Being gay does not make you less of anything. Be a man!
How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Wow. Don't search 'Jews' on Twitter. I ended up reporting 30 accounts without breaking a sweat.
I don't "fuck" my wife. I "make fuck" to her.
We will never be able to solve our greatest problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
team rocket CEO: what should we put in our motto? agent 1: protect the world from devastation? CEO: noble, love it agent 2: unite all people within our nation? CEO: beautiful agent 3: to denounce the evils of truth and love! CEO: jeremy.. how’s it going with the divorce pal
Why don't you see any slow black people? They're all in jail.
Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.
Have fun with your fantasy football league but me and the fellas each bought a different brand cinnamon broom and are going to rotate them to see who has the best one.
Stay off the internet until you watch the show tonight. Spoilers are coming.
What did the man in the wheelchair say when he returned the hat he borrowed? Thanks for the handy cap.
Dear Idiot: It's HOMEOpath, not HOMOpath. Homopath is like a crazy gay dude.
Anyone else crying at this proud Girl Dad moment? American Idol
Is it me but as you get older eating once a day feels like enough food. Three a day meals overwhelms my digestive system. I 'm also able to control my weight better. eat once a day three meals too much your girlfriend next door
*breathes in a bunch of helium balloons *steps on scale *cries in high pitched munchkin voice
It doesn 't interest me what you do for work I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart 's desire It doesn 't interest me how old you are I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool or love or your dreams for the adventure of being alive
April is Natl Minority Health Month. Great time to evaluate your mental health. How are you?
West Coast - if you found the remote, flip the channel to American Idol on ABC!
First time ever here in Florida! Nice people! Thx!
I made up a game with my kids called, if you take a nap you get ice cream after dinner. Guess who's the only one eating ice cream? Me.
Black Americans are 20% more likely than whites to self identify as having experienced psychological distress. Be someone ppl can turn to.
In just 24 hours, our community has raised over $20,000 for our Nina Pop and Tony McDade Funds, more than matching The Okra Project's $15k committment! From the bottom of our hearts, THANK YOU! See this thread for more information about the funds, and ways to get involved
My heart is so heavy. Losing a husband and child in such a tragic and unforeseen way is so hurtful. Vanessa, I'm sure your shoulders are heavy, I cannot imagine the pain you're feeling. Your husband's legacy will live on for generations to come. RIH Kobe RIP Mamba
Gay pride parade? Why isn't there a straight pride parade? They tried that but people kept on thinking it was the checkout line at Home Depot.
"open up, this is the police!" "well, I've felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I'm sad all the time-" "no the door open up the door"
pizza place guy: *flips and spins it in the air* girl im on date with: that's kinda cool me: it's probably trick dough
CEO of milk: we need a new slogan me: got that delicious white juice that everyone loves, the beverage they call milk? CEO of milk: maybe something shorter me: milk CEO of milk: probably a little longer than that me: miiilck
I noticed a tiny part of the wrapper stuck to my granola bar and just ate it anyway. like a goblin.
you can run but you cant hide' - coach telling me why I didn't make the hide and seek team
... I feel sorry for people like that who are close-minded and still think it 's offensive to be called gay ' because it 's not. ' This is his first time speaking publicly on the topic, despite his close friends and family having known for years.
imagine your card gets declined at chuck e. cheese and they feed you to the robot band
Also guys, make sure you hold her hand as much as possible<3 boyfriend tips
We also want to thank her for recognizing that this is not just about the actual race, but the African-American community reaching out to the Senegalese community so that we can come together, uplift and protect one another. Strength in Unity!
Being gay is never evil. It's what you do with it that determines how shrewd, wicked or good you are. Gayadvice
They should do a punch card reward system at the liquor store. After your 9th case of beer, you get a free intervention.
my mom when i came out gay: this is an affront to god my mom 16 years later: can you teach me about anal to spice up my sex life
Dorado is the new co-host of Bolivian program Aby Ayala TV and covers LGBT+ issues in her role, commenting on her own experience and transition as a trans person. This is a big step for the Bolivian trans community, congratulations to Leonie!
Other people can spark a vision for your life, but until you can hold that dream in your own head and your own heart, it's never going to come true.' Monday Motivation
My 3yo wrote a song called, My Mommy Is So High. It's my favorite song because it's about me being taller than her.
Me (high as a kite): Why is this slurpee so thick? 711 Employee: That's not slurpee, you're filling your cup full of pump cheese.
[cop sniffing me] you're all over the road get out of the vehicle [me after putting on too much hand cream] I'll try
Why do black people eat fried chicken? Because it tastes good.
House full w/all my kids home, sofas full w/all their sleeping friends and I'm cooking for 1st big meal of the holidays! Happy Thanksgiving Eve
Why did the black man buy 4 boxes of condoms? Because he practices safe sex and they were on sale.
And we just kinda laugh
We are flooded with information, yet are more ignorant than ever
Fajitas are just tacos for people who crave attention
Canada: *pokes hung over America with a stick* Wake up buddy, I made pancakes with maple syrup. You can do this!
Sorry I smashed your window, but you left a chocolate bar in a hot car and I had to rescue it.
Start your day well by focusing your mind in a positive direction. Plan to mind your mind today. Deny negativity the power to ruin today.
On to Bradenton Florida later today to say goodbye to a dear friend...
jesus, take the wheel. mohammed, you strip the hubcaps, while buddha searches the glove compartment for valuables.
God loves everyone You know, it's in that book you hold up when you're yelling at gay people.
Splash a bunch of water on the crotch area of your pants and shirt so the people at work will know you washed your hands.
I'm asking the Capitol Commission and the Tennessee Historical Commission to please consider the implications of how hurtful it would be to continue fighting for these monuments.
FAILURE does not define us; it prepares us to succeed. Wednesday Wisdom
There's only one group of people dumb enough to believe in astrology... Scorpios ROFL
The road to your success is always under construction.
Two reasons i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone 1)I don't have an iPhone 2)I don't have a girlfriend.
Seeing my neighbours trash or recycling bins on the curb for pickup is now how I keep track of what day of the week it is.
What do you call a black man who flies a plane? [2 part] A pilot, you racist. What do you call a Japanese man who flies a plane? A pirate.
And btw, if you want to know what a world without net neutrality feels like, where information is priortized not by you but by companies who now can charge you for what you see thanks to the FCC, FB/Insta is the perfect case study in that right now. WE JUST CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS
At the end of the day, it's your peace of mind that matters, not the homophobes!!
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. ┠Carnegie, Dale
I don't like the song Stairway To Heaven because it implies that heaven is not wheelchair accessible.
What 's a Black Competitive Swim Skills Clinic? ' feeling motivated
My 3yo asked me to wrap her up like a burrito and to feed her grapes while I hold her so she can watch cartoons. She's living my dream.
JepandJessica Growing the dynasty! Our family keeps growing and growing! DuckDynastyAE
If I was a vampire hunter, I'd kill the vampires by inviting them over to my house and serving garlic bread. No one can resist that stuff.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you'd go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It's amazing how much has changed since then.
Boys are attracted to girls who have something to say and girls that are very confident in their strength..
wife: where did you even get cotton candy? me w/ blue stained mouth: just drop it wedding photographer: we doin this or wha
Chicks with big tits always seem to say the right things.
Stop describing the situation with words and send me a gif like a normal person.
My wife's favorite position was cat style. She'd sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn't come near me
Wife: Do you want a beer? Me: ...sure! Awfully generous of you. Wife: well, I just don't want to drink alone.
Beware of EMOTIONAL FRAUDSTERS!!. These folks take advantage of your love and attraction for/to them. With them, you invest all your time and money only to realise it was all a scam. They often appear very loyal and loving. Guard your heart against them. gay advice.
In my youth, there was no "snapschapts". If you liked a young lady, you'd draw a proper picture of your genitals and send it to her parents.
What do you call a group of Mexicans smoking weed? Baked beans
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn't look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Children with gay fathers as parents, I seriously sympathize you all It's not easy growing up with twice the dad jokes.
I Know I completely trust my husband because he cleaned the kitchen, and I didn't clean anything after.
What advantage do gay black guys have over gay white guys? They only have to come out to their mother.
Super disappointing finding out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not an awesome career option.
The bad news is, it's the longest day of the year. The good news, it's Friday. Summer Solstice
There are 2 kinds of families on Thanksgiving. Which one are you?
There is just no way I can respond individually to everyone's kind messages about my mom. I really don't know what to say. The Armstrongs are a very small family. When I realize how big and beautiful my Twitter family is, it takes my breath away. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
A Muslim, a black guy, a horse, a pirate, a gay, a chicken and a rabbi all walk into a bar... The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married. didn t see that coming
My 3yo gave me her baby this morning and I've been walking around with it around my hip for like 30 min. I don't know why.
No matter how bad things get around the world, it can never ruin the enjoyment I get from putting my cold hands on my wife's back.
2020 is pretty cool because every once in a while you get to experience every emotion at once. And it's just like ahhh omg please stop hahah
And then there's my dad...🙄
The world is a scary place. Hug your children tight, hide under their bed, stay there until the dust settles.
every time i go to the aquarium, the employees make up sea life facts in an attempt to catch me off guard and make me look foolish. well it won’t work. “dolphins breathe air” grow up. “octopuses have beaks” fuck off liar
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I'm a little mad because she didn't even give him a discount.
I'm looking to interview some essential workers. I looking for a nurse, a grocery store cashier, and a ride share driver. Especially if your outgoing. tag someone who'd love to do this.
It is advisable that partners in meaningful gay relationships run health checks to know their STD status and fitness level. This gives them a peace of mind and clears all doubts.
trying to come up with ideas for tshirts for cool 20 something year olds to wear and all I got so far is one that says 'Eat The Peel'
Happy Girls Travel! happy girls travel The best way to keep a smile on your face is to contstantly stretch yourself out of your comfort zone and see the world Travel opens your mind, thoughts, and perspectives. your girlfriend next door
There's three things you should know about me, I'm Canadian, I watch Hockey, and... I'm sorry.
When pressure and stress bear down on you, how do you cope? Who do you talk to? What resources do you take advantage of? Get a plan mn tl hlth
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
My 3yo doesn't understand why I can't make lunch right now, it's 10pm. Why is she still awake? 😭
As my 3yo threw grapes on the floor she said, "for the vacuum to eat." Now I know why the vacuum is always so full... because someone has been over feeding it!
How are wearing Crocs like having butt sex with a guy? It feels really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
Our goals for this 6 K 6 Days challenge are to raise $6,000+ to: - sustain and expand our International Grocery Fund - Hire an additional chef this winter - maintain our storage space - continue our Okra Outings for Black Trans folx - continue and expand our By Okra series
son: why can't we just get a gun for protection me looking for our jar of bees: check your room again
Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
The reason womansplaining isn't a thing is because it's men's responsibility to figure out what women mean when they roll their eyes, sigh, or say nothing to us.
me: I have to let the chicken rest before cutting it or the juices will go everywhere trick or treaters: we'll come back
I guess I 'm what you 'll call a creative being. My journey through life has always been through the creative process. I simply love to create. your girlfriend next door
I'm definitely of the 73% conservatives who are proud to be an American! A Thankful Heart Grateful For Freedom No Place Like Home Happy July 4 th
3yo: *throwing grapes on the floor* Me: what are you doing? 3yo: for the vacuum Me: I told you to stop feeling the vacuum 9yo, walks in: *starts eating the grapes off the floor* 3yo: see that's the vacuum Me:
Don't forget - you get to vote 30 times tonight! That's 10 each via text, the American Idol app, and our website. Use them all before the LAST commercial break! Idol Finale
So we have a blow up globe to go with one of Asher's curricula. We blew it up today for the first time. Noa grabs it and Asher goes "holding it by the poles, Noa?' This kid...
I admire both my parents and have the utmost respect for their personalitiesI have deep sorrow not knowing them personally.' Yossi Ron, Retired Israeli Air Force Colonel and Chairman of the Organization for the Children of Kfar Etzion Yom Ha Zikaron Love Grows In Israel
Having kids can really strengthen a marriage. My wife and I never had a common enemy before.
My 3yo asked me if I wanted to lay down on the couch and take a nap while we watch movies. I'm really scared. Is this a dream? Are my kids burning the house down while I sleep?
The price of anything is the amount of time you exchange for it.
If you could travel back in time, what time period would you go to and why? Stray Questions
Don't like getting forced by your wife to go to children's birthday parties? Easy solution - bring beer. Then offer it to all the kids, report them to the police for underage drinking, and get the party shut down.
Our daycare provider (who cares for 10 kids): "I love these kids! Being around them keeps me young." Me (with 2 kids knowing I've aged at least 10-15 years since we started having children 3 years ago): "Yeah.... same."
What do you call a woman who misses her period? Fucked
Why is the pussy slit verticaly and not horizontaly? So it doesn't clap when running.
My 3yo just broke our pinky promise, so yeah 3yo's can't be trusted.
Some people call me delusional, but I don't let it bother me because I have my high IQ, millions of dollars, and god like physique to make me feel better.
Don't forget: Before we picked cotton, we picked tobacco. It's time to make smoking history in Black History Month
*Jesus multiplies loaves and fishes to feed 5000 people [5 mins later] Disciples: Hey Jesus, the people are complaining that the fish sandwiches are too dry. Can you whip something up to put on them? Jesus: Say no more -How miracle whip was invented
What's black and white and red all over... An interracial couple getting what they deserved.
"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved...not ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." 2Timothy 2:15
priest: how ya doin? demon: oh yanno priest: wanna get started? demon: sure priest: will you leave brent's body? demon: nope
We spend too much time buying things we don't need, to impress people that don't matter
I speak to you today as a representative of [the 49 orphans of Kfar Etzion].' Yossi Ron, Retired Israeli Air Force Colonel and Chairman of the Organization for the Children of Kfar Etzion Yom Ha Zikaron Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel
Why can't black people get PhD's? Because they can't get past their Masters.
Girls are like restaurants... Just because you can't order doesn't mean you can't look at the menu.
When a women dates a younger man she's called a cougar, when a man dates a younger woman he is called Defendant.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama's a Muslim
The teacher asked the class if everyone got the syllabus. Jimmy raised his hand and said, "No, I took the boring short bus to school."
Serotonin is flowing in the city today. This weather is 10/10
A man visits a prostitute The man says, "I want to have sex with you for $200, but then I also want to hit you" The prostitute asks, "For how long?" The man replies, "Until I have my money back!"
Cow milking is an incredibly low-skilled job. Any jerk can do it.
Not to brag, but I can get a full 8 hours of sleep and still look absolutely exhausted when I wake up in the morning
We had a great time with kids from Blair E. Batson Hospital for Children doing arts and crafts today. Thank you Sanderson Farms Championship!
me: of course I consider you a friend and not just the guy who carries me during karaoke guy who carries me during karaoke: ok thank you
Just voted and was informed that only 10% of registered voters have shown up today. Come on Peeps! Privilege And Responsibility Or Dont Complain
If only there were mosquito nets in Africa... We could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.
Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.
Count your blessings, not your problems.
Like authors of sheikh novels, Brockmann appeals to knowledge and relationships as a means of overcoming prejudice. Yet rather than white feminism integrating Arab/Muslim/Middle Eastern heroes into neoliberal modernity, +
boss: what are you thinking about me: [daydreaming about the end of capitalism] just spreadsheets and stuff
My Asian friend came out .. My Asian friend came out to his dad today and said "Dad I'm gay" . His dad after being angry for a moment said, "why not Gay+"
netflix: are you still watching me: yes but i can't reach the remote so i'm just going to sit here in silent contemplation
How many men does it take to open a beer? None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you. haha
How many Jews did Hitler kill? Over nein thousand. haha
This is why we can't have nice things' ~my wife looking at my paystub
After I saw Deadpool I thought "This is amazing. How could they possibly pull this off again? I mean they must have exhausted all the comic book movie jokes!" And yet, DP2 looks fucking incredible.
I was gonna get dressed up for Halloween this year, but that involves getting dressed, so no.
Why did the blind man cross the road? Cuz he couldn't see it 
What did the black Jew say to the non-believers? We Israel..
His love is not enough. You also need his respect, appreciation, and commitment.
How dirty can white shoes get before you throw them out? Stray Questions
Some of you aren't going to like this, but my wife and I are that couple that sit on the same side in restaurant booths. But it's not because we're weird, it's because our imaginary friends have to sit on the other side.
Comment below a story about how failing led you to succeed? Wednesday Wisdom
the inside of a chicken is warm but as soon as the egg comes out the chicken is like 'ya gotta keep this in the fridge'
Yes, plagiarism is bad and it's sometimes deliberate. Still, it's not primarily individual bad actors who are to blame for widespread citational lapses. We're not building communities that value engagement and conversation. Instead, we reward name-dropping but fetishize originality.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it‚ He's gay, definitely gay.
We're having a great time with the kids from Wolfson children's Hospital and Community PedsCare during THE PLAYERS Championship!!
Happy Canada Day to my heart’s homeland! 🇨🇦
I just want a magical unicorn, and to not gain weight when I eat a lot of food. That's all.
How can any gay relationship be fun if there aren't DRAMA and ATTITUDE? There's nothing like a perfect relationship anywhere. We just have to learn to compromise our egos and hold on to mutual love and respect.
Our ancestral trauma doesn't give us a pass, it makes us more obligated." - Lilli Sher Best sentence I've heard all year about Jews and our commitment to social justice!!!
My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I'm calling in gay tomorrow.
I would say you should not worry about that. It's your peace of heart and mine that matters not his selfishness.
Motherhood is complicated because we'll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Social media is so weird. It's like here are all the cool things your friends are up to, and also all the worst things going on in the world. Enjoy trying to sort out your emotions.
'If u insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you!' 'Don't be selfish, think about the baby.' 'What baby?' 'Oh, so you're not pregnant?'
Your current circumstance doesn't determine where you can go; it just determines where you start.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
What do you call a fat Irish family? The o'Beses.
"...put on love, which binds all virtues together in perfect unity...and be thankful." Col. 3:14-15. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day!
I 'm missing an authentic Mexican restaurant experience. Margarita please! margaritas
Hey NYC! The Okra Projectnis doing another theatre outing THIS WEEKEND! We are taking 10 Black TRANS/GNC folx to see A Strange Loop at Playwrights Horizons! Hit us up if you'd like to go!
My date and I went swimming in the ocean and her eyebrows washed off. She looked just as surprised as I did.
My gambling addiction ruined my marriage, but it also saved it because we're so broke we can't afford a divorce.
Daddy, look, a ninja! Billy, don't offend those Muslims! rofl
Too much bickering, backbiting, gossips, betrayal, imitation and stereotype in the LGBTQ community. This is unhealthy. A community is all we have, let's preserve its sanctity!
i'm constantly being told that i'm a straight acting gay person. what part of sticking things up my butt is straight acting to people
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails.
What I have learned in 2020. Yesterday was yesterday. I 'm allowed to give myself a clean slate. The past is the past. I will show up as who I am and from what I 've learned. I will use my gifts and be a positive inspiration to others. your girlfriend next door
detective: he’s dead, ma’am my wife: oh my god i can’t believe he drank all the windshield fluid detective: *narrowing eyes* i never said he was poisoned my wife: no that was literally just an educated guess
Building your dreams requires a vision, a budget, a skilled architect, a great contractor, a committed team, the will to win
Me: Direct me home Google Maps: There’s a different route available Me: Oh cool is it shorter? Google Maps: No it’s 47 minutes longer Me: Oh Google Maps: I found one with no tolls! Me: Cool but is it- Google Maps: Clear your schedule motherfucker it’s 2 hours longer
Don't quit on urself. Don't hurt urself. U're worth the world and nobody wants to see u suffering. This isn't the end. The way u feel right now will pass. People's minds will change. Things WILL get better. We love u and are always here for u. This too shall pass!
My 3yo told me to chill out. Is she too young for me to kick her out of my house? No
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about, be kind, don't be ammunition
If history is written by the victors... ...then who writes French history textbooks?
[taking out foot massage coupon from marriage coupon book] I wanna redeem this one [ex wife here to pick up our son] where is he brent
I still have nightmares about the time I gave my Eskimo friend a house warming gift...
All Snapchat has to do to attract an older audience is offer a face filter that takes away the bags from under your eyes.
I've been hearing a lot about mass murderers lately.... It must be a scary time to be catholic.
Don't be afraid to text him first. I promise he'll like it.
Why do cannibals prefer to eat blind people? Because with one sense gone they taste really good. Sorry, that was wrong... they taste really well.
teen working at subway: you're gonna get me in trouble with my manager me trying to pass him a baggie of duck meat: I'll distract richard
Your smile is your logo, your personality is your business card, how you leave others feeling after an experience becomes your trademark.
I like my men like I like my coffee... Nowhere near my vagina. A little lesbian humor....I'm not gay I just couldn't resist....too good :)
a haiku about 2020: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
You can't eat in the shower - me lying to my kid
What do you call 40 mexicans standing in your yard holding hands? Spicket fence.
Having a 3yo is like having your personal narrator that sometimes makes you cry because they won't stop narrating.
Make sure you compliment her on what she's insecure about most, it's easy, but it means a lot<3 boyfriend tips
Stop buying new parents junk gifts they're not going to use. Buy them bag reducing eye cream.
My Facebook timeline says I joined in 2007, a couple decades before that I was born, and there are no accomplishments in between. How did they know?
I love when my mom works the rapture into casual conversation. We were talking about work and she casually goes "if I ever disappear it's because I've been raptured. You will need to immediately come to my house and read my bible to be saved" and I'm like "ok love you too bye"
I've been feeling a bit down lately. My husband finally came clean tonight... He's been contacting my friends to call me, get me out of the house, etc. I have the best husband...and my friends are good liars.
Italians and Spaniards are so used to Catholic child abuse... ... That they call the Pope daddy
Gun violence kills 13,000 blacks a year. Tobacco kills 47,000 blacks a year. We have to end both. spread truth making smoking history
2 hours to midnight! Who's partying with us? Send pics Rockin Eve
Whats the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't jelly my dick into your girls ass.
Although it is a problem which has risen a lot of opinions, it seems that men prefer that kind of women who don't make the first move.
People who post tweets with spelling mistakes in them are total loosers
Heart disease is a condition which disproportionately affects African-Americans.
You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.
me: can I get lettuce instead of the bun? guy working at subway: why you doin this man?
The used car salesmen always get so weirded out when we go for a test drive and I put on a ski mask and make a quick stop at the bank.
What do you call a hypocritical member of the church of Latter Day Saints? an oxy-mormon. or, all of them.
Today is National Teacher Day! Shout-ou­­­t to all the teachers who continue to educate and inspire during these difficult times. Thank you for going above and beyond to guide the minds of our future!
Yet in a world clearly taken from this one, where other sorts of changes are explored at length, simply omitting racism from the pictureâ apart from isolated opinions expressed by a couple of retrograde bigotsâ doesn't signal a utopia so much as a failed attempt at color-blindness.
"School was good" is teenager for "I only fell asleep during one Zoom class today."
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $ 6.30 now
Up next - the audition that shocked the judges...in the best way possible. American Idol
Happens to eminent senior white scholars - imagine how much more often to junior scholars, especially Black women and women of color.
The organizations, forums, events, and companies that love Black swimmers and work tirelessly to ensure they succeed. This Black Swim Community has always had your back ⓠand we 're not going anywhere.
Who was your first celebrity crush? Stray Questions
Tonight, Disney Family Singalong Vol. 2 is dedicated to all the amazing moms out there. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show!
billionaire who invited me to his island: *loading rifle* i have a passion for.. the most dangerous game me: *nodding* Gun Monopoly billionaire: what? no i’m hunting you. me: oh ok billionaire: you should probably go me: not without my $200
Shoutout to the parents, family, and friends who drop everything to show their support at auditions. You bring so much love to every city we go American Idol
You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end.
When you see your friends win and you proud of them ... you a good friend
Sending my love and condolences to his family. I am forever grateful to have known him. RIP
Me blacking out when I'm drunk is God's way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
An app like tinder, but instead of for dating, it matches you up with strangers in your area to have arguments with.
Do non-male scholars plagiarize/unethically use others' work? I've seen it, usually with women's work, rarely if ever men. Do male scholars plagiarize/unethically use other men's work? I've been told so, but again, very rarely, and usually early career.
The Winter Olympics should have an event where they time athletes to see how long it takes them to get into their spandex suits
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side, I can understand english --Dogs
I also remember how we came together as New Yorkers that day and the incredible kindness of strangers. We made signs to help find missing loved ones, donated blood and witnessed men and women risk their lives to help one another.
*cat pushes glass off of a table* Internet: cats are jerks *dog destroys an entire living room* Internet: I'm willing to overlook this
gf: its over I can't be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it's side against the wall*
A lot of women would rather have beauty over brains, because a lot of men can see better than he can think.
It's cute how we call the things we wrap our babies in swaddles. They are literally straight jackets because babies are crazy.
SMS codes for seniors: BTW - Bring the Wheelchair FWIW - Forgot Where I Was LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
[me and another dad pretending to switch insurance info and laughing] bumper car operator: back in the cars
I'm still single because I still am yet to discover what I truly want from and in a man. All past relationships have been about them and less about me. I've been drained, still recouping.
How do you know you are at a picnic with gay men? All the hot dogs taste like shit
the ideal temperature for food is the temperature paper comes out of a photocopier
Why do North Koreans lack emotions? They are missing a Seoul.
As an Army brat, I continuously love shining the light on our veterans and men and women who currently serve in the military. Let's all continue to work together to honor these HEROS! Veterans Day
me: my cat's possessed date: haha aren't they all me: by something british date: what? my cat: ello my luv
We are all in this together.
It's almost like I gotta keep myself busy with random things like fluffing pillows just so I don't over eat.
Someone told me not to believe in my dream. I listened and then God told me there is someone who needs me. I think I'm better off with GOD doing what i m called to do
It's embarrassing when you accidentally call your teacher 'mommy', especially when you're in an adult learning class.
My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks taste like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad.
me: i need directions please stranger: you need to go north and - me: left or right stranger: it's a little more complex than that me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here me: *flicking lighter* stand back, i’m popping my way out
This is a look into what show biz is about - sometimes you just have to power through to get the job done! American Idol Hollywood Week
Saying "whoa girl" like you're talking to a horse, is not a good way to calm your wife down when you're arguing.
A negative mind will never give you a positive life. quote of the day Inspiration
Belgium is a leading producer of beer, chocolate, and weapons. I picture a country full of very well-armed fat people. Another one, I mean.
We look forward 2 discussing future research which we anticipate will provide more specifics on other important factors & how 2 chg trends.
It's Giving Tuesday, a day to support initiatives foing work better the world around us. The Okra Project strives to better the lives of Black Trans people through food + fellowship. We hope you'll include us in your giving today, and help us continue our work. [THREAD]
My 3yo asked, "are your boobs gone because I drank them all when I was a baby?" And I said yes.
McDonald's CEO: Self serve checkouts? Hmmm. But how will we trick people into doing the work of a cashier for free? Marketing Exec: Make the checkouts look like giant phones. The morons won't be able to resist it. *CEO and Marketing Exec both erupt into evil laughter*
[My parents are the] only married couple to be killed as Israeli soldiers in the history of the state of Israeland then 31 years later I met my mother's sister.' Yossi Ron, Retired Israeli Air Force Colonel Yom Ha Zikaron Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel
i want my mysterious death solved on a podcast or not at all
Recently, a Catholic hair stylist made news traveling around slandering the pope and Catholicism, angering many members of the faith. The pope denounced him... calling him a "hair-a-tick"
Wheels up, off to Milwaukee! Any recs for local coffee shops with great dark roast? Gonna need it...
I just got fired for putting my penis in the pickle slicer at the restaurant where I work She only got docked a week's pay
Halloween costume idea: “soccer mummy”. You’re welcome.
So who was your favorite from tonight? American Idol
I don't know who needs to hear this but stop trying to take a picture of the moon. It always sucks
I saw my husband mopping the floor and it turned me on so hard.
I accidentally ate some cat food today. The bad news is it tasted terrible. The good news is my coat of body hair has never been healthier or shinier.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother? Because he wasn't all he was *cracked up* to be.
My wife and mother-in-law just both yelled at me because I was being a 'martyr' for eating the kids' low quality waffles when they were making them from scratch for the adults.
Tip sounds like a professor of African American studies. Rhythm And Flow
My dad told me he was gay, i didnt believe him until my other dad comfirmed it
What do you call a sometimes homosexual arctic bear with heavy mood swings? A Bi bipolar polar bear!
What is the nickname your parents used to call you? Stray Questions
the worst part of a haircut is when they take the cape off and you have to stop giving them the finger
Brockmann displaces the setting for social reform from a fictionalized Middle East to America, signaling prejudice as a crucial threat to America's safety as well as to individuals' well-being.
The 21st century: Deleting history is often more important than making it.
wife: when I said get a hobby I meant like golf or whatever me making another batch of prison wine: I like this
You dont need a legislation to fall in love? Legal or illegal, gay love is love brewed in the hearts of two boys or men.
a jew, a christian, and a muslim walk into a bar in the holyland hey it could happen, just not on a friday, saturday or sunday
The progression of love is so weird. First you fall in love, then you get married, then a couple years later you jointly decide to ruin everything by becoming caretakers for tiny people for at least 18 years.
Anyone else feel like it's pointless to post on Instagram anymore since the algorithm is going to keep most of the people who are following you from seeing it anyway? And even if they do it might be a week later. What are they even doing over there? WHY DO THEY HATE US
How can you tell that God is a man, and not a woman? If God were a woman, she would have made semen taste like chocolate!
Brockmann simultaneously deploys and undercuts stereotypes of Muslim men while appealing to pro-American sentiment.
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know, because I kept a log.
You will never become what we need to be by remaining what you are
We don't see things the way they are. We see them the way we are.'
got fired from antifa today because i showed up late with an iced coffee when i was supposed to help shred documents and hide evidence from the fbi
Do you or others you know have experiences that match the conclusions in the articles linking racism with mental & physical health problems?
Happy Birthday, America! What are you all doing today to celebrate 4 thof July?
Trans men are men.
Your destination and the distance. Keep in mind the road you're traveling may be the scenic route. Learn the lessons along the way.
Have you ever opened and re-wrapped a present that had your name on it? Stray Questions
Husbands make the best meteorologists because they're used to being wrong all the time
My anniversary is coming up Friday is my anniversary, I'll have been married for 35 years. Really it only 5 years, but I count in dog years because my wife is such a bitch.
To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit to double Celsius and add thirty. To convert someone to Mormonism you double the wives and add 17 kids.
There was once a viking who believed in reincarnation. He was hoping that after dying he'd be Bjorn again.
I don 't have to prove anything to anyone, I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world. I run my world. I will leave my mark. -Beyoncé your girlfriend next door 444
me: why do you charge so little? lawyer with eyebrow ring: you know why
Why did Hitler kill himself? He saw the gas bill.
My kids eat so many gummy fruit snacks that I'm passing them out like a drug dealer. Give me 5 minutes of silence, and shhh don't tell your dad.
I've never gotten runner's high. Not once have I gotten high from running. I think these runners are just trying to get the rest of us to run. If I'm gonna get high I'm gonna do it with ice cream and weed on my couch like a decent person.
[JNF can] start listening to students...Students love opportunities to take the next step to do something bigger.' - Maya Rosenberg, The Ohio State University Student JNFNC 19
Is anyone else wondering if perhaps closing down mental institutions was a bad idea, and now with social media, those who are in desperate need of mental health care are running wild and free, feeding into conspiracy theories and paranoia, and spreading this around the world?
Always loved the movie Dark City but watching the director's cut for the first time. SO MUCH BETTER. It's way less choppy and the story fits together in a more linear way. It's one of those films you watch a lot and pick up something new each time. Highly recommended!
In the note she wrote before her death, she said: "To my siblings, I tried to survive and I failed. Forgive me. To my friends, experiences have been cruel and I'm too weak to resist. Forgive me. To the world, you have been extremely cruel, but I forgive." Rest in peace, Sarah.
You can give them ANOTHER CHANCE... Or you can forgive, let go, and give yourself a BETTER CHANCE.
there's songs I hate to this day only because they gave me a hard time in guitar hero
Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She's fine. But the dog died.
Tomorrow begins Natl Minority Mental Health Awareness month. Make a plan now for how you'll get involved and take advantage of all great info
I just found a bunch of fruit snack wrappers under my 3yo's bed, and idk if I should be worried.
I wonder sometimes do men truly want you independent? When you 're able to truly do things without them and the focus is on you. Are they happy? Truth relationships your girlfriend next door
A mothers' patience is worth more than any fathers' wallet
Women who criticize me I've found that their actually envious of my FREEDOM, my CONFIDENCE, and MY ABILITY TO LOVE MYSELF and OTHERS YGFND
I'm in a palindrome kind of mood today for some reason...71717
I was hanging out with my kids having a good time while Alexa played some music when all of a sudden WAP comes on. I yelled at Alexa to stop. Alexa didn't stop. My 3yo and 5yo learned a lot of new words today.
Me, steps on a wet spot: who spilled- 3yo: It's not pee water Me: pee water? 3yo: yeah maybe I didn't pee Me: maybe? 3yo: yeah, maybe
Such a perfect song choice Shayy Winn. Thanks for sharing your story with us. You're gold inside and out Americanidol
So I was feeling really depressed due to the attack in Paris... I phoned the Islamic Samaritans. When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.
Kids are so exhausting in the morning with all that energy and good vibes.
I'm pretty sure the chick at this drive thru had me repeat, 'I'll take a number two', multiple times so she could laugh at me.
HR 620 is an unconscionable attack on the rights of Americans with disabilities. It sets us back over 30 years! I oppose this legislation!
It's not compulsory to have a boyfriend. Being gay and single is equally normal.
Anyone else want to give their mom a big hug right now? American Idol
I read the box of chocolates legend more closely than my mortgage
me: *biting lip* oh doctor i am so sick, can you take care of me doctor: *checking chart* looks like you've got an chronic case of sex- oh wait a minute me: what's wrong? *seductive wink* doctor: you do not have insurance get the fuck out of my office
The worst thing about going to your office Christmas party is having to go look for a new job the next day.
Alright let's start this show American Idol
And I thought Jase would embarrass me? Willie takes embarrassment to a whole new level! No Worries For Jase The Last Call
Married Tip: When you take your wife out for Valentine's Day, don't forget to use a coupon, cause saving money is sexy.
Me: I've enjoyed spending so much time w/you these past few weeks. Mia: Me too, Mom. And I bet you thought you'd get on my nerves. Brave Mia
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
You teach without teaching every time you accept the unacceptable. your girlfriend next door
Why did the grain call his sister "momma"? Because he was in bread!
I've learned how to turn self-doubt into an energy source and to metabolize fear into result-producing adrenaline. Wednesday Wisdom
Apparently the man bun was invented by French Canadians, which means it's acceptable to call it a garçon brioche.
If my kid doesn't figure out how to manage his emotions I'm going to lose it
Life is already full of stress. That's why a relationship must not be haven for drama, quarrels and petty fights.
Some may say I have a resting bitch face, but I think it's more of a not resting face because I have lots of kids and I'm always tired.
Dating vs Marriage Dating: You keep candles around the bedroom to create romance Marriage: You keep candles around the bedroom to get rid of the fart smell
What do you call a hot chick in Boston? A tourist
me: so it's like a snorkel? surgeon explaining my breathing tube: yes. sure
If you had to name them, what would you say are the leading causes of poor mental health in the black community? Come on, let us hear you!
Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson.
Husband: *starts laughing* Me: what? Husband, still laughing: it's 1:30 Me: what's so funny? Husband: it's only 1:30 and I already want to put the kids to bed
Scientist say today is the longest day of the year, but they're actually wrong. The longest day of the year is every Monday.
If by "good in bed" you mean sleeping, the answer is still no. I have insomnia and will wake you up to tell you what I'm worrying about.
Even if you don't like cats, you have to admire them. They all hate each other, but you don't see them online arguing with each other.
Finish everything you start! Put your mind to everything you do and GET IT DONE! Wednesday Wisdom
Doctor: Any new medical history in your family? Diabetes? Cancer? Blood disorder? Mia: Yes, brain disorder. Me: Who? Mia: Uncle Si! Love Her
I really identify with the trans movement... For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!
[coworker on my first day back from vacation] how was italy? [thinking about how the dogs barked normal] fine
My friends spent last weekend at SDCC spreading the word about the Val Verde Humanitarian Coalition, a non-profit that is working to provide infant and toddler supplies, toiletries, small toys, and books for migrant children.
My husband walked in holding lysol disinfecting wipes and that was the sexiest thing I've ever seen. I know what I'm gonna be doing on my knees, cleaning toilets.
We are glad to see the increase in open dialogue about mental health in the black community. Let's keep it going! Let's heal together.
Help can- and will- come from the most unexpected places. Be open to everything around you. Monday Motivation
I don't know what's wrong with my goldfish... ...it was fine when I put it in its cage last night
My advice to med student twitter ...pay off any student loans AS QUICKLY as possible. And don't live like you have an attending salary until you are debt free!!
A mistake some newlyweds make is confusing a real person with the image you've created in your mind
A white man, an arab and an asian walk naked into a bar... ...the bartender yells "Is this some kind of a joke?"
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? ..........Nothing you've already told her twice!
What do you get when you cross an atheist and a christian? An argument
That’s weird. My husband used the safe word when I was telling him about everything I bought at Target.
Him: *doing dishes* Me: Is this porn? I think this is porn.
As we lead into Pride Month, let's never forget that the Stonewall Riot was led by Black queer activists who said, enough is enough! Black Out Tuesday
If you want your kids to leave you alone for like 5 min just fart. 60% of the time, it works every time.
My 4yo yelled, "it's still alive!" When she got her tablet thinking it was dead, and I'm pretty sure that's what my body says when I open my eyes every morning.
I want throw a 5 star slumber party for women, full of fun, games, prizes, honest conversations, lots of love and good energy. Thrown by Your Girlfriend Next Door. Maybe Bali, Thailand, or The Caribbean. I need to decide on a location. ultimate girls trip slumber party
Tears as I listen to General Kelly speak about our fallen soldiers. Thank you, Sir, for your service and the service of your son. Still Sacred
This week try the best you can to practice LOVING YOU. You will be amazed the treasures in store when you choose to love yourself. gay advice.
I want us to talk about relationships. One thing I hate is being indecisive in a relationship. It's very difficult to get the right person in gay relationships, more reason why you should always know who you're going in for. If not just forget about relationships
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow. Me: What do you have to spell? 6: Words, probably.
Wish your haters a long healthy life... so they can see all your success
How much should I rest between sets at the gym? I've been doing anywhere between 60 to 90 days to give my muscles a good chance to recover.
Being gay doesn't make you less of a human and more of a demon. Speak up, stand for your rights. Enough of letting people ruin your peace of mind, enough!
Mia: "Mom, after we finish decorating, can I help you clean the kitchen?" Thank heaven for a little girl. Sugar And Spice We Love Christmas
It's an honor to get to work with such an incredible team, especially when it comes to my favorite thing in the world: songwriting. Ž¶ ˜„ and swipe photos to see one of my other fav things: a fluffy floofy cat.
Me: *offers some of the food I made to my 4yo* 4yo: no thank you I like things with flavor Me, almost choking: excuse me
The world would be a better place if we were all passivists. Fight me.
What's black brown and white black brown and white brown and white etc.? A Gorilla riding down a snowbank!
Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!
Remember back in the good old days, when Generation X was known for being cool and rebellious? Now we're known mostly for being cranky and complaining about millennials. Good times.
Wife: Our son called me a bitch today Husband: What! That little son of a bitch
I was sitting on the train this morning, and I saw a really sexy Thai girl I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection", but she did.
I seriously have to get off Twitter now and order Mia's bridemaid's dress! Reed Loves Brighton Wedding Plans Exciting Times
What do you call it when two female spies fall in love? Lesbianage
Sure, millennials are a soft generation... and not to outdo you guys or anything, but it was my generation, Gen X, who invented getting killed from eating peanuts. That's a tough one to top.
The power is in the people. People make a change! Monday Motivaton
Black Trans/GNC folx: What's your favorite recipe that features affordable ingredients? Let us know!
Them: Just be yourself Me: I don't even know who I am
3yo: you know what you do when you got an itch on your butt? Me: what? 3yo: you scratch it Genius
Anxiety: This airplane might crash and then you'll die! Me: Oh no! Depression: I'm okay with that. Anxiety: ...but then again, you could survive, end up paralyzed, and life would be even harder than it already is! Me and depression (now holding each other): On no!
Eyes blinking in the dark. Wide awake. Asking self, was there coffee in that coffee ice cream?? 👀
[remembering women like mysterious men] *texts my hairdresser the squid emoji*
nothing like waking up at 3am to discover you're a mutant with lava in your throat, professor x will be so prou..what's that now...i'm being told from multiple sources it's just heartburn
Hope you enjoyed your church service today as much as I did mine. What a blessing my church family is! Gods Family Committed To Each Other
Stayed tuned for a all new Shaving People Punting Things later today! SPN Family Supernatural jimi on s
So often when posting about vaccines I get the response "my child is vaccine injured" with no other explanation. I'm genuinely curious...to parents who believe their child has been harmed from a vaccine, what EXACTLY is the injury you speak of.
Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver! corny
The easiest way to bridge a language barrier is by yelling at the other person. People find it easier to understand a foreign language when it is louder.
Traveled across the country, heard a lot of powerful stories, and found incredible talent. Next stop: Hollywood! American Idol
I still think of that time when my 9yo was 5 and yelled really loud, "it looks like that elephant has a big penis on his face!" at the zoo.
I shared my whole body with my 3yo and she won't share her fruit snack with me. Can you believe that?
It's always nice to win an arm wrestle against guys who are younger than you. Today it was a 3 year old.
4 minutes in and I'm already holding back tears.... American Idol
Why doesn't democracy work in china? Because no one wants to hold an erection.
watching a nature documentary with the family and loudly saying 'that's how your mother and I met' every 5 minutes
The perfect cure for loneliness at home is Twitter. All it takes is 5 mins of seeing everyone arguing to pretty much remedy any desire to be around people.
Are you the reason why someone is not seeking the help they need for their mental or emotional challenges? Stomp Stigma and encourage them!
If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.
Dear Rita Baga that was the best lip synch of the season.
I'm sad that I didn't know how amazing of a man Chadwick Bozeman was until he died. He was kind, generous, and heroic.
[the streetlights burst. the stars blink out. hooded figures surround us] me: *to wife* omg is this a gender reveal? cultist: hail satan. the union of these mortals shall bare his child, The Antichrist me: will it be a boy or a girl? cultist: why are you so fixated on this
Therapist: And what do we do when we feel upset or angry? Me: We eat snickers bars until we feel better? Therapist: No. Me: (already shoving a snickers bar in my mouth) I'm going to need a minute to calm down
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here? me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Don't miss CDC's Tips Campaign's Rico on The Doctors -- right now!
Don't compare yourself to other people, compare yourself to pigeons... they're idiots and it'll make you feel better.
If I won the lottery, I'd buy the suits from the movies Batman, Ironman, Superman, etc and it's all I'd wear. No more regular clothes.
I work in a popular hotel... I see people come in to stay from all over the world, yet for some reason I've never seen a Native American here. I guess they just don't like to make reservations.
Everyone you come across has something that they can teach you
I was in the bathroom and I texted my husband to bring me toilet paper and he responded with send nudes. The audacity, this marriage isn't an onlyfans account.
“we haven’t talked since he puked on the floor and wiped it up with my cat” - rude - personal - only happened once “our perspectives differ on key issues” - intellectual - acknowledges both sides of a complex debate - celebrates the marketplace of ideas
What do you call a homosexual Hispanic peeping tom? Peeko-da-guyo.
Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Me: "I'd say my biggest weakness is listening"
ten minutes into the our planet documentary on netflix and I don't know if im going for the birds, the fish or the dolphins
Congratulations to my long time friend Sam on 15 years of helping those who have battled cancer get back on their feet. Amazing person with an amazing heart. All love samfund15
If you eat a cookie and you don't finish your milk you need to get another cookie. If you don't have enough milk for the second cookie you get more milk. If you don't finish the milk you get another cookie... that's the cookie cycle.
Help! Can anyone tell me where I can watch the Women’s World Cup??? I can only find 18 channels of golf...
It's a bit hypocritical that there's no way to shorten the word abbreviation
I said hello to a feminist My court date starts tomorrow.
Damn girl are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up
Today in art class my 5yo recreated the poop emoji with play-doh and my 3yo made a cut out of her butt. I would say homeschooling is going great.
This might be a triggering time for some people. Take care of yourself and family. Unplug. Sign off. Keep it calm. Stay well. blk mental health
So a priest, a pedophile and rapist walk into a bar ...he orders a drink
Please consider supporting the PTWA on Giving Tuesday, 11/29/16 so we can continue our mission of helping needy children and their families.
What does a homeless man gets for Christmas? A cold.
At this point, no one thought it was an accident anymore and AIM was blowing up. Everyone's AIM away message was about shock and fear. We all kept looking at the Prudential Building to see if it would be next. We skipped class and just stared at the TV in disbelief.
Why are a German vegetarians pessimists? Because they always fear the wurst.
"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ The Lord." Luke 2:11 Thank you, Father! Merry Christmas Everyone
Will you date me? breathe if yes, swim across the atlantic ocean while reciting the bible in japanese if no
SPEAK UP! Feeling sidelined? Speak up Suffering abuse? Speak up Need healthcare? Speak up Need a friend? Speak up Feel suicidal? Speak up. Hard to feed yourself? Speak up Don't DIE in your SILENCE. You never know who's ready to help.
The vape pen maybe mightier than the vape sword, but neither of them will get you a girlfriend.
We celebrate our independence, I say triumphantly as I ask my wife's permission to have a beer with lunch.
If u have received death threats or suffered abuse n hatred for being gay, you have the right to seek asylum in a pro-LGBTQ country. Remember, Universal Declaration of Human Rights states that "Everyone has the right to seek and enjoy in other countries asylum from persecution."
What do you call a geologist who can't hear? Stone deaf...
*Goes on internet. People arguing, everything sucks, we're all doomed *Goes outside. Birds are chirping, sky is blue, sun is shining. 'Meh' *Goes back inside, logs onto internet.
Maybe your cat wouldn't push stuff off your shelf and countertop if your interior decorating wasn't so dreadful
Count at least one positive thing each day, even if some days you have to look a little harder
Today we salute the heroes who fought and sacrificed for our country. Thank you to the brave men and women who served in the U.S. military for our liberty! Memorial Day
I had so much fun at Green Horizons, I forgot to call momWhen I got home she was mad, but I was glad [because of how much Green Horizons provided me].' Ofri, Green Horizons Student Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel Green Horizons
*My 2 year old hurts himself and comes to me crying *I pick him up and hug him Me: I know it hurts.. don't worry, it will go away. Physical pain always goes away. Emotional pain on the other hand will scar you for life and haunt you well into adulthood. Now go play and have fun
When we’re uncertain, books bring us comfort. When we’re scared, books bring us hope. When we’re isolated, Books Connect Us.
India is a very peaceful country because nobody has any beef over there.
Believe me when I tell you: A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.
they put you to sleep right away in the operating room so they can take off their masks and start eating sunflower seeds
Shayy Winn's journey just started but her fighting already inspired so many. American Idol
me: it's a service dog teenager working the waterslide: still has to wait up here
Big thanks to our concerned fans. Our family is ok. Lots of power lines/trees down with big damage to homes/businesses. Pray 4 Those Affected
Guys, act silly with her<3 boyfriend tips
Why is my Chinese girlfriend so bitchy? Well it's true, you are what you eat.
Being married won't heal you and being single won't kill you. Have patience and choose wisely.
What do you call a Mexican baptism? A bean dip.
Yesterday I farted in a Apple Store and everyone got mad at me. It's not my fault they don't have Windows
How fun watching Duck Commander: Before the Dynasty! I forgot how good these were. Hope you're watching, too! Good Ole Days
Why did the alcoholic comedian quit performing? He couldn't handle the boos.
Most people who say they would spend the night in a haunted mansion for a million dollars scream and run away when a moth flys towards them
stop telling me to get a cast iron skillet. i do not have the mental or emotional capacity for this. i don’t even know how to do taxes.
Womansplaining is when a woman explains something that is obvious, but the difference is that it's usually necessary... ie: when I can't find ketchup in the fridge and my wife womansplains how it's right in front of my face.
me: i try to get in at least 20,000 each day her: steps? me: leagues under the sea
Dude, you could put the tiniest bit of effort into pretending you're going to consult the actually existing peer-reviewed publications based on extensive fieldwork in which she analyzes precisely the thing you're curious about because you saw a clip on FB
What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet
As a father, I hope my kids can grow up and be in a better place than we are now. It starts with us, as parents, we are the people our children look up to.
Phil spoke a powerful message this morning of being saved by God's power. Death did not hold Him and it won't hold us! Romans 6 Happy Easter!
Robots will someday ruin the world? They already have. They're the reason we all have to take annoying captcha quizzes every time we want to use the internet.
ME: let’s clean up the living room before mom gets home 4yo: but how will she know how much fun we had? ME: hmm good point!…
Me: Look team, our productivity is way down. I’m sorry to be harsh but I cannot call what you’ve done lately “work.” That’s three silverfish I’ve seen this week. Or one silverfish three times but either way- you gotta step it up. All The Spiders In My House: 😔
My 3yo asked if she could eat gummy bears for breakfast, I said no. Then she said, "what if I eat them like cereal with milk." I mean I knew she was smart, but this is genius. Adds milk, BAM breakfast!
Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife is dead.
Be that girl you always wanted to be!
Surprise everyone at work by being pleasant on a Monday. They'll be so unnerved that something is wrong, they'll leave you alone for the entire day.
Let it be known that I was totally against this. Totally! Highlanf Games Are For Pros Dont Hurt Yourself Way Too Competitive
Sorry I thought we were on the kiss cam when I saw us standing in line on the security monitor at 7-11.
Anyway, I welcome recommendations for smart pieces on how rules about "professional" dress in workplace / school contexts are gendered, raced, and classed and how even facially neutral rules lead to discriminatory outcomes.
No putting together toys tonight! No bikes, doll houses or electronic anything! Pros of having 19, 17 and 11 year olds! Merry Christmas To Me
Me: *letting my kid win* My 4yo: Mommy you’re really bad at this
Guys, make sure you call her beautiful, not hot or pretty. Beautiful means so much more. boyfriend tips
Hinduism discourages vyasana, or unhealthy dependence on substances such as tobacco. Join this interfaith effort this week! no menthol sunday
Deliveries for tonight are complete! Stay tuned for more updates!
I miss my dog so much since he died, I just paid a homeless guy to come over and take a shit on my kitchen floor and then eat it.
Have people gotten to the point where they are worried where their food will come from? If you have a family to feed comment below I'll help as many people as possible. If you're reading this and can afford to help I recommend you do the same.
Why Cant Girls Count To 70? .....Because 69 is a mouthful
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls
Even after you got the girl, keep working for her like you haven't gotten her yet.
If you're American when you go into the toilet, and Asian when you come out, what are you on the toilet? European!
I think that bisexual girls should just call themselves more-or-lesbians.
Days later, even weeks later, when we saw planes take off from Logan and fly past the Prudential building we held our breath. After the initial deaths from the impact, it was the smoke and toxins that killed the EMS workers. The pain lasted a long time.
I love how confident my 3yo is with my love. I tell her I love her and she says, I know.
Being told that because I'm a Reform Jew that I'm not actually a Jew and that my smicha as a reform rabbi isn't recognized is a pretty shitty thing to hear from someone.
We could never thank our Veterans and active military enough for the sacrifices they have made and continue to make! freedom is not free º
Inappropriate headline for a Mexican murder story Another Juan Bites The Dust
If I could go back to high school with all that I know now, people would be like "why are you here old man? Are you a teacher or something?"
Focus on your rainbows, not your thunderstorms
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets. It doesn't mean we aim for the sky. It means, we don't start work unless our tail is on fire
Bringing women of all backgrounds and experiences 2gether in 1 place 4 fun laughter and honesty while gaining lifeships and learning life brands
Question of the day: What is your natural talent or gift?
My 3yo is so lazy. She said she doesn't like underwear because she has to walk to the bathroom. If she wears a diaper she can pee wherever she wants. Honestly, she's selling me on the diaper thing.
Are the majority of truly successful women married? I 've spoken to a few women and they all seem to agree if they were still married they 're career would be completely different. Do women play themselves down in marriage to lift up their partners? marriage food for thought
I was having sex with a female amputee in the dark I trying to figure out why my ass hurt, but she had me stumped.
The sunnah is like Ark of Noah. Whoever embarks upon it reaches salvation and whoever refuses is drowned.' - Imaam Malik
You are loved. Just because you haven't found Mr. Right doesn't mean you aren't attractive. You are handsome and love will find you soon. Happy New Week!
Black gay men living with HIV are more likely to suffer depression and suicidal thoughts. It gets even worse when such men live in toxic, homophobic societies. Remember, you always have a home with us. World Suicide Prevention Day
Setting an alarm on an iPhone is exciting because it feels like you're spinning the wheel on the price is right
*has no girlfriend or kids* *gives out dating and parenting advice*
What did the mommy broom say to the baby broom? Time to go to sweep.
My girlfriend accused me of being a transvestite... ...So I packed her things and left.
I see you.. Still pressing on inspite of your health issues. I see you.... Living your dreams eventhough friends and family rejected you. I see you... Bravely embracing the storms of life with a smile.. I see y'all..keep fighting!
You'll always be your own worst critic. But if you can move past it, you can really start to succeed and have fun doing it!
Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5.
If you're a Black Trans person in Philly or NJ, please fill out the form as well! We are working on extending services!
Summer tip: On a hot day, beer is not a good way to hydrate... it's a great way to hydrate.
It's 10pm and I'm still awake which is wild, so I decided to take a shot of milk and eat some peanut butter cookies cuz YOLO. God I'm getting old.
Tonight is a night of a lot of risks in arrangements, new sounds, and song choices. Hey, let's count how many times the word risk is said during tonight's episode! American Idol Hollywood Week Solos
Looking for some new music suggestions today! What are you all listening to?
This is the longest I've been in a drunk time
It's called TikTok just to remind you of how you're wasting your life
Girls, your allowed to kiss him first... I promise
Thanks for watching tonite. Remember, Jesus was the ultimate gift. We'll never measure up to that, but we can try our best. Love Thy Neighbor
When I was a kid I couldn't wait to become an adult. Now that I'm an adult I'm just like, this really sucks.
Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.
You know you have some loud kids when the default setting on your tv has subtitles.
Why did I quit my job in Mexico? It didn't peso well.
I don't understand why my kids are so funny. I haven't given them enough childhood trauma for them to be this funny.
"shake what ya momma gave ya!" *starts shaking low self-esteem*
Want to hear from you all. Going to answer some fan questions on my website, comment below and will release an article next week with my answers!! Use Ask Stray so I can see it.
Since we seem to be terrified of homosexuals, it would seem that the key to conquering America would be to attack us with an all-Gay army.
If you're easily offended, the FDA just approved a new drug. Ask your doctor if Growacet is right for you. ROFL
I always ask if they accept bitcoin whenever I buy something. I don't have any, but it makes me look cool.
My friends and I have a secret handshake that my wife says is lame. She's just jealous of how cool we look, especially at the end when we do jazz hands.
In the wake of three of our Black Trans Sisters being taken from us in just a few days, we want to call in peace, healing, and love to all Black Trans women everywhere. We also want to call on community and allies to do their part to protect Black Trans Women.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Never compare never compete.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right, alcohol IS a solution.
People remember you for what you 've done. Not what you wish you 'd done. your girlfriend next door
Jajajajajajaja is either a Mexican laughing or a German having sex.
This keto diet sucks. I haven't lost a single pound. Biggest waste of 5 mins ever.
Sat in Phil's living room today while he and Si watched the news. "Spouses fight b/c of low blood sugar?! Pass out the candy!" Problem Solved
trying to calm people down by yelling 'but that's just my opinion' after saying it doesn't matter if you peel carrots before you use them
Is 2020 flying by or not going fast enough?
Cows can't walk down stairs' sounds like a lie a lazy cow made up so he could stay upstairs watching netflix in bed.
The only difference between comedians and the rest of joke Twitter is that comedians get to see people be disappointed by their jokes in person.
You can't change other people, but you can change how you are around them, and a lot of times, that's more than enough.
People always tell you to listen to your gut, but all mine tells me is feed me cinnamon buns
@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.
Me: oh shit 3yo: oh shit Me: I forget kids are like sponges 3yo: like a sponge
Keep the romance alive in your marriage by randomly rubbing your foot against your husband's foot when you're in bed.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife's name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
There's more power in your attitude than in your bank account. Monday Motivaton Wake Up Happy
thought I looked alright today visiting my friend in the hospital but a nurse told me to go back to my room
Always remember that your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth.
PTWA Wiffle Ball Tournament is in full swing McGladrey Classic
Besides my own ego w/ having my reach on Instagram cut by 50-75%, there are artists, creators, small businesses whom FB/Insta lured away from blogs/websites who will literally be DESTROYED by this algorithm shift. Not reaching their audience is devastating to them. It's serious.
If you are a Black Trans person in need of funds for a meal this Kwanzaa, please reach out to us. If you'd like to donate funds to feed Black Trans folx this Kwanzaa, please reach out. Funds are tight this season, but we believe in Umoja. Our community always makes it happen. ❤ï
Do deeds that count, but don't count the deeds you do.
A friend asked me if I wanted to hold her newborn baby. I said, no thank you I'm ovulating. I know how this works, I hold it then I want one of my own. Not today little newborn baby. Not today.
Such much love for Nick's positive attitude. This performance is for his brothers, Zach and Matthew. American Idol
Guys, listen to the lyrics of her favorite songs. Those are often the words she's too afraid to say
The truth is the truth. No matter who knows it.
Every girl loves flowers. Surprise her with some and she'll be smiling.
Every pillow in Whoopi Goldberg's house is called a whoopee cushion
Men be like I’m gonna rock your world, right after I finish a few games of Madden with my boys.
if you fold a pizza in half, it’s a quesadilla. unfold a quesadilla? you guessed it, that’s pizza. obama does not want you to know this.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out. Back to having zero haters, feels good.
The only thing hotter than the sound of me opening my Velcro wallet to pay for dinner? Hearing that exact same sound again as I take off my Velcro shoes before we do sexy time.
Is it weird? I have not had a desire for a baby until now and I 'm in my 40s. Wasn 't this supposed to happen in my 20s/30s. I 've had the husband the house and the picket fence and no desire for 20 years. should IIVF IVF baby at40 black women ivf i ui
* Begins writing tweet * reworks tweet several times * tries to show wife tweet, but wife she left you 7 months ago
If you are not hustling like you're broke! You got more in the tank!!
There are two basic things that most people want in life; To be understood and appreciated. A true friendship provides both.
My girlfriend says I've got commitment issues.... Well she's not really my girlfriend, more of a wife. 
As you get older you start to enjoy simple things like spatulas, clean sheets, and telling the happy little birds that sing early in the morning to shut up.
*Makes typo* *Deletes tweet* *Deletes account* *Destroys computer* *Changes name* *Moves to Pakistan* *Opens a curry shop*
Sorry for letting out a short scream when the airplane landed. The wheels hitting the pavement always startles me.
It's the 1st day of Kwanzaa AND Day 1 of our Karamu Campaign! Each day, we'll show how we embody the Kwanzaa principles + ask our community to join us in continuing that work. And since Karamu is a feast, we'll provide funds to Black Trans folx so can feast this holiday!
As a Jew, I love bagels... They're one of the holeyest foods.
Thank you everyone for tuning into tonight for the premiere of 100 K Pyramid! Tune in next Sunday for two new episodes.
Gender is being slowly dismantled and I love it. The first time that I heard the words "gender is a social construct" I didn't get it. It took a LOT of exploration, explanation, and research. Now I can't unsee it.
9/11 is our generation's Kennedy Assassination. Everyone knows where they were when they heard to the news and rushed to the TV. I was at Boston University, and when the first plane hit, I was on my way out to my first class. By the time I got home, it was two planes.
Husbands are like egg salad sandwiches -- once you get past the fart smell, they're actually quite enjoyable
Pregnant Me: We’re creating tiny versions of ourselves 😍 Mom Me: We created tiny versions of ourselves 😒
Don't stay single and be miserable. Get married and become the reason someone else is miserable
Me: *sees a sign for a Bar & Grill* Hm. A boring, pedestrian establishment. I’ll pass. Me: *Sees a sign for a Bar & Grille* Now this place has something special and unique.
me to wife: I have a big heart doctor: I used the word enlarged
My sister was in love with a Mexican guy. She wanted him to marry her but he went home to Mexico... ... I guess he's the Juan that got away.
My wife is so moody at Christmas, I blame the festive period.
Why does today feel like a Sunday!
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. This is God's plan... not mine. Black Out Tuesday
All right, google sleuths...I need help finding antique tile for a fireplace surround. Early 20th century or older, preferably Arts and Crafts Style a la William Morris. Victorian is ok, or anything that just looks neato. And....GO! House Shit
Why couldn't the sailor play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck
[Challah making] is not about perfection. It's about the process and creating something wonderful.' - Lauren Lizerbram, JNF First Lady Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel JNF On Demand Challah Bake
Pay for things, sweep her off her feet, make her laugh, spend time together, sneak out to see her. boyfriend tips
My son said that since girls don't have a penis he thought girls just had one big butt.
Shadowed by a very sweet 2nd year med student today who will one day make an amazing Pediatrician. med twitter What is one piece of advice you would give your former Medstudent self?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Pumpkin Patches are great places to go when you need to spend 37.00 on a pumpkin your kid will throw at their sibling…
I didn't know too many Jewish people growing up. I realize now that where I'm from they are in the menorah-ty
Keep the romance alive in your marriage by playing footsies with your spouse while you yell at your kids during dinner.
Also, reading Shadows in Death now and tickled to see the phrase "morality and mortality" on p. 2. Hmmm, where have I heard that before?
Dog Lovers: Get a dog to clean up the food and crumbs on your floor for you Me: You still eventually have to clean up those crumbs, but instead as poop
fall is the best becasue it's nice enough to be outside but you're not expected to be
Say no to shampoo. Demand real poo!
professor: those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it me: *lighting gender reveal explosives* i don’t think that’s true
The definition of mixed emotions... My mother-in-law driving of a cliff in my new car
Social anxiety is just like regular anxiety except it's more friendly and charismatic about giving you irrational fears about your life.
The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be "a Muslim extremist." That's like a student signing his report card "Timmy's Dad."
What is the biggest plot twist in spanish soap operas? When Rodrigo finds out he is his own mother
Netflix: you still watching? Me, with a tub of ice cream: ya
What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies of a brain aneurysm? Different Strokes
Do you believe in yourself? Monday Motivation Believe Not If But When
This country would be a whole lot more chill if we all could have legal marijuana. Just saying.
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes - why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Stress kills!!! It weakens your immune system and thus exposes you to various opportunistic infections if you happen to have an immune deficiency disease. You can take your drugs and eat healthy but stress kills it all.
Sorry for taking 48 minutes of the lunch hour at work to cook a whole chicken in the microwave.
Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, and then the lesson afterward
My doctor told me I am colorblind. I had no idea! It came right out of the green
I just had a nice lunch in the park; homeless people don't have it so bad after all.
I know a lot of people don’t like the phrase “making love,” and I’m sorry but that’s what I call cooking meatballs and that isn’t going to change
Yo, Twitter world, anyone have new show or movie they would recommend?
Happy hump day!
My front door doesn't have a peephole, so I use the mail slot to see who's at the door instead. Everyone who visits my house gets judged based on how their crotch looks.
I love listening to young men ponder over women in dc the beauty about this place is how smart and indecisive they are all at the same time
What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed? God bless America.
To The World: Hi Best Friend, Sister, Girlfriend, I 'm Your Girlfriend Next Door Andrea! Loving all things friendship and girlfriend related. We all need a girlfriend next door. friendship friendship coach friendship coaching
Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he'd gone deaf.
Interviewer: How do you explain the five-year gap on your resume? Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale. Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired. Me: Yay, I got a yob!
Sheikh heroes and monstrous Muslim men provide seemingly opposed yet actually interdependent Orientalist fantasies of racialized Arab/Middle Eastern masculinity.
Another hard day for LA and everyone who grew up watching Kobe. He left behind an incredible legacy that we will celebrate today and every day. Rest in peace Kobeand Gianna, and the lives lost on that flight.
Kids are seriously out there just interacting with each other like a bunch of drunks and potheads.
Also, in my discussions of scholarship and archaeology with Orthodox Jews I was accused of 'proselytizing.'
What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 20 beers!!
I swapped my wife's parachute around with her backpack. Now when the bitch goes on her stupid camping holiday, all she will have is a parachute.
Rabbi friends, have you ever been called a 'revisionist' because you bring archaeology, literary analysis, or scholarship into a discussion with other Jews?
What do you call the retarded guy that follows the band around? The Drummer
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I'm from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
"Pride comes before destruction and an arrogant spirit before a fall." Prov. 16:18 Live Like Jesus Serve Someone Today
[In Sderot], we work in emergency mode. We work in outreach to the community.' Ayelet Shmuel, Head of Clinical Centers for Resilience in Sderot Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel
Thanks for watching tonight. Seems we wives stick together with our hair color! Better As Blondes And our hunting skills. On The Board!
4yo: HELP Me: are you ok!? 4yo: I'm stuck! Me, running in: omg 4yo: I can't put my shirt! Me: those are pants
A blind guy walks into a bar... ...then a table, then a chair, then another chair...
The problem with our Mosques is that too many people want power and not enough people know what to do with it
The best math jokes I used to think maths was useless, but then one day I realised that decimals had a point.
Do all the good you can, to as many people as you can, as often as you can
*Gets annoyed having to listen to 25 second long voicemail *goes back to listening to 2.5 hour long podcast
I've become quite independent since my wife left... I just put my second load of washing through the microwave.
Today is Day 1 of The Ordeal. I'm cleaning my house. How are the rest of you Hunters Widows spending your Saturday? Married To A Duck Hunter
Did you hear about the Asian guy who was so terrible that nobody mourned his death? He was unbereaveable.
Irish Nessie Over in Ireland, in a lake near Dublin, thay have their own Nessie. It's a monster that likes to ring doorbells. It's a knock-less monster.
do you ever wish you were a vegetable at a grocery store so you can be lightly misted with water every few minutes...sounds like a dream
I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary!!.
Baseball Opening Day is my Groundhog Day for summer. It means warm weather is coming...
As my 3yo gently pushed her baby around in her stroller I thought aww she's gonna be such a good mom one day. Then she gave the stroller a hard push towards the wall as she said, "goodnight baby."
Anyone got a sweet vacation planned? Looking for some ideas!
Heartbreaking and horrifying news of another mass shooting, this time in Nova Scotia. Much love to my friends there and across Canada.
I don't trust stairs They're always up to something...
Is the KKK a good source of Potassium? Yes, because they're all bananas.
The only time my car goes 0-100 real fast. Is when it's sitting in broad daylight on a summer day. ROFL
Say what you want about celebrities, but I for one have been enjoying seeing so many of them come out of the woodwork to kill their own careers with idiotic tweets.
Also, if you're interested in my white lady takes on white lady romance authors writing about Black characters and racism, I've published on Suzanne Brockmann's Troubleshooter series and on Nora Roberts romances.
Black men and Black women need to remind each other how beautiful, necessary, and valuable we are in the context of each other. Fact
Argument with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement... . . . . . At the end, you ignore everything and click 'I agree'.
Me and my husband got a little too ambitious when we decided to have 4 kids. We were like, this really sucks lets make this suck more. Lets have a 4th just so we can have an even number of kids.
Refined sugar is just like regular sugar, except it listens to classical music and speaks with an English accent.
What did the homeless person say to the gay job interviewer when asked for his address? No home-o.
His statue is still standing and July 13th is 'Nathan Bedford Forrest Day.' Due to social pressure, the state is trying to overrule this, and Tennesseans might no longer have to stomach it. Fingers crossed.
The worst part about waking up from an afternoon nap is realizing you're still at work
So 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.
In friendship or relationship. You often put others feelings wants and desires in front of your own. It 's a display of love and compromise.
We're our own worst enemy. You doubt yourself more than anybody else ever will. If you can get past that, you can be successful. Wednesday Wisdom
What do you call someone whose GPA is greater than the number of inches their dick is? Asian
THREAD Everything You Need to Know About J.K Rowling’s Latest Transphobic Post
If you broke your life down into chapters; Would it be a good read? life branded
Always need a box of tissues nearby when watching auditions like Just Sam's. Admire her heart and strength so much American Idol
No one is in denial as much as a married couple with kids telling you how great the minivan they just bought is.
Black people, want to piss white people off? Open a restaurant. And don't serve coffee or brunch.
The good part about parenting is you're only responsible for them till they're 18, then they're the criminal justice system's problem.
In my spare time, I help blind kids I mean the verb, not the adjective
watched three hours of a survival show and got in an argument with my neighbour for not letting me setup a few rabbit snares on his property
spy: we‘ve put a cyanide capsule in your teeth as a failsafe me: mmph spy: did you just- you bit it already? me: *foaming at the mouth* nome ife dibnt
Demonstrate him the full confidence you have by telling him a secret. It's an experience which will bring you closer.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
While school clothes shopping: Mia-Are we done yet? Me-You have to get some jeans. Mia-Ugh. Shopping is NOT my cardio! 😂 She Gets It Naturally
Champagne for my real friends. Real pain for my sham friends. Ginger ale for my friend Craig he has a tummy ache right now Craig why are you even at this party
What is your favorite emoji? Comment below!
A skinny guy with a 6-pack is like a fat chick with t*ts. It doesn't count
Time for a deep tissue massage. I so need it after this crazy Florida weekend.
That's it for the first half of Hollywood Week! We're back TOMORROW night to pick up where we left off. American Idol
[Galilee Culinary Institute] will showcase everything about [Israel that] we love....I am really excited to be a part of this. I want to be able to cook there. I want to be able to teach there.' - Michael Solomonov, Star of Netflix's 'In Search of Israeli Cuisine'
2020 is so crazy that if Morpheus showed up at my house and asked me if I wanted to take the blue or red pill I would just laugh.
How to give your woman 12 inches and make her bleed. Bang her twice and punch her in the mouth.
We're our own worst enemy. You doubt yourself more than anybody else ever will. If you can get past that, you can succeed. Wednesday Wisdom Wednesday Motivation
For my family, everything that has transpired recently gives us an opportunity to reflect, listen, and reprogram any part of our lives that hasn't been loudly and ferociously anti-racist, and to never let privilege lie dormant when it could be used to stand up for what's right.
If a fat, rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"
Dogecoin is down. I'm so annoyed
To any evangelicals up at this hour I have a genuine question: Why do we pray?
Red wine is great when you want to have a nice drink and be classy, but also want to have purple teeth.
Idea of health disparities is interesting. Should oppressed, marginalized groups be as healthy as others? Why is white health the standard?
DYK: There is such a thing as self-stigma. If you have mental health challenges, don't punish yourself. Stomp Stigma and be your own advocate.
A major mistake is not learning from the past ones
me: are you mad at me? please say something self checkout: unexpected item in the bagging area me: you always do this self checkout: please can we talk about this when i get home, i'm working
Need a new TV show to watch, any suggestions?
Fascinating discussion of various waves of immigration from Lebanon and other former Ottoman territories, up through refugees from Syrian war. Only a couple of brief mentions of religion.
It’s Sunday, boys! You know what that means. Get your wings and your beer and cozy up to watch both the Greta Gerwig and Gillian Armstrong adaptations of “Little Women” and debate who better encompassed the struggle of women to achieve autonomy in 19th century America.
I always bring a plate of food with me to restaurants. That way I can hand it to the waiter if I accidentally respond with 'you too' when they tell me to 'enjoy my meal' so I won't look stupid.
Good Morning! How are you going to make today a GREAT day?
The penguin is mightier than the swordfish
There is an Arab boy lost in the grocery store... The manager of the store walks up to the boy and asks "what does your mother look like?" The boy replies " I don't know".
desiigner went double platinum rapping “i have broads in atlanta” even tho he was 18 and had never left new york. meanwhile i spent five years in grad school and i can’t end a sentence without “i could be wrong, though”
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...with my bear hands
Best part about a long weekend? When Sunday night feels like a Saturday.
Treat her the same around you friends as you do when you're alone boyfriend tips
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. -Mark Twain
[My favorite part is] that feeling you get after a long trip or hike that you can do it all.' Ofri, Green Horizons Student Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel Green Horizons
Don't ask anybody to give you anything, just ask them to give you an opportunity. You can be anything you want to be, just know you're going to have to work for it.
A little boy walked into a police station "I lost my daddy" says the boy. "We'll look for him son, don't worry: what's he like?" asked the officer. "Liquor and women."
If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect. You have to recall everything.
What do you call the boss of a chicken farm? An EGGxecutive.
Where does a Muslim learn to swim? Inshallah water.
Trans women are women.
I was vacuuming when my 3yo asked if I wanted to build stuff and knock it down. I have so much to do today, so we are building this huge tower and knocking that shit down with a soccer ball.
Thinking of ways to raise money for queens who are out of work. would you rather see and donate to
turning on the shower but plugging the tub and watching the water rise like im stuck in a villain's trap
Excited to partner for the amazing statewide event to help Georgia kick the habit. ga quits. Encourage others to quit for GASO 15.
Enough of online dating apps! Get out there, be part of various healthy queer programs around your community. You can't keep living your love life on a screen.
scrolling through the dance dance revolution machine trying to find a slow song to salvage this date
Though it's hard to appreciate this when you're going through a painful passage, it's the bad experiences that often teach you the most. Wednesday Motivation
every day i wake up fucking shaking from rage that they made a movie about air bud’s kids and called it Air Buddies instead of Heir Bud
Burying an elephant... is a mammoth undertaking.
If someone could hurry up and make swimming in your t-shirt cool, I'd really appreciate it
Nice try baseball players, I can tell your eyebrows are fake because you drew them on below your eyes.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
when im picking someone up and they ask how long before I get there I always say it depends on what song is playing
A black lesbian, an obese white neck-beard, and an Indian comic walk into a bar. What do you get? A Netflix original series!
and I recognize the need to use ALL of my platforms to bring attention to these issues. We need to have more of these conversations, both publicly and privately.
Get married so you can argue about fun things like, stop eating my chips, and please don't leave your socks all over the house.