TENNESSEE: We're the best state. Nobody even comes close. *Elevennessee walks into the room* TENNESSEE: Oh shit...
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted". The next day, he received 1000 of replies, all reading: "You can have mine." Free delivery also available at your door step
How many men does it take to open a can of beer? None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I'm wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Roses are dead. Love is fake. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.
ME: I'm such an original. Truly one of a kind. ALSO ME: [holding a glass of white wine] I love to laugh.
What's the difference between a Mormon man and a Muslim man. A Mormon man gets 72 virgins and THEN kills himself.
Stop calling 9-1-1 because you've run out of toilet paper. Yes. If you're running out of toilet paper don't dial 9-1-1. The number for that is 9-2-2.' -Stephen Colbert
When you march the streets shouting with people it's civil disobedience, but do it drunk by yourself and it's an involuntary 72-hour hold
You can make any sentence creepier by adding "consenting" to it. "Just two consenting adults, riding a tandem kayak."
me: if ant-man shrinks by making the space between atoms smaller then how does he go subatomic guy in the stall next to me: shut the fuck up
I'm not saying my pubes are getting too long, but when I get an erection, it looks like Pinocchio has gone and joined the Taliban.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100. She's a 10, but she's imaginary.
My wife left me because she said I made a meal out of everything. I intend to make her eat those words.
How do the Chinese select their baby names? They chuck a tin can down the stairs Ping Wong  ching  Pang
What a relief! I went into the doctor to have him look at a large mole on my chest. Turns out it wasn't cancerous, mostly because it was a dollop of bbq sauce and not a mole.
My father doesn't trust anyone. In fact he has a saying... But he won't tell me.
What's a specimen? Mama mia, it's an Italian astronaut!
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I had a vasectomy so I won't have kids But when I got home, they were still there.
We should have not only candy canes, but candy wheelchairs, candy walkers, etc so the other mobility aids don't feel discriminated against.
Damn girl! Your name must be Ebola... All I can think about is you spreading.
I once interviewed for a position to become a blacksmith. They asked if I had ever shooed a horse. I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."
Anybody that eats Tide pods is an idiot. They could go to Costco and get the generic brand for half the price.
BIKER: What should we name the gang? OTHER BIKER WHO IS ACTUALLY A REALLY TALENTED WRITER BUT WAS NEVER ENCOURAGED AS A CHILD TO PURSUE HIS GIFT SO HE FOUND COMMUNITY WITH A ROUGH BUT LOYAL GROUP OF GUYS: How about... The Hell's Angels. BIKER: Damn, man. Yes.
What do you call bad breath that sneaks up on you? Ninjavitis.
What does a gay rooster say? "Anycockledoooooo!" ROFL
How can you tell when an Italian car has a flat tire? Dago wop wop wop
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
In 2018, a Missouri deer poacher was ordered to watch "Bambi" once a month for the entirety of his year-long prison sentence.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating... Or just mething around?
Why does Kim Jong Un love books. Because he's the glorious Reader
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door. Eventually we drifted apart.
The most unbelievable part about Sesame Street (a show with an 8 foot bird) is that there is only one grouch in the whole neighborhood.
Ten years after my death, my best friend finally opens the package I left him in my will. He's confused by the empty box. He wonders if there's been a mistake. Then, he smells the fart. Laughing, my ghost can now rest in peace.
We don't give enough credit to the dads who spend their waking hours continually turning off lights and adjusting thermostats. These are the real unsung heroes of fighting climate change and reducing humanity's carbon footprint.
Hellen Keller walks into a bar. And then a table, and then a stool.
The year is 2125, we are touring the american ruins. The zombies are too fat to be of any immediate threat.
My girlfriend got a new tattoo on her inner thigh. It's a seashell. When you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean.
I only believe 12.5% of the Bible. Which means that I'm an eightheist
My wife just found a pretzel in her hair and then she ate it and I didn't know I could love her more.
Why do Americans have good computers? Because they have no troubleshooting.
I want to watch a chick flick, with my chick, as we eat chick-fil-a on a Sunday
Went to petit trois tonight and it was delicious! Man though, sitting in a high stool for all of dinner was tough on the old girl
I met a girl who said she liked Imagine Dragons. I asked her if she could Imagine Dragon these nuts across her chin.
I'm waiting for them to invent a pleasure robot that's so lifelike, it won't have sex with me.
It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling "Release the Kraken!!" right before I do it.
My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine." I sucked at tennis.
January is the Monday of months
I woke up with a pinched nerve in my back. The pain is bad... but even worse is the sick feeling from being betrayed by my most trusted friend, my bed.
Twitter: You need to have more conversations with other users in order to be successful on Twitter Me: *closes Twitter account*
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack laughed and said, "And you will dialogue."
Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he's dressed up as and he responds 'I'm a snail!' That's M'Shell on my back
I'm so angry at Facebook. I can't believe they would leak my information after I signed up without reading any of the legal documentation, volunteered all the personal details about my life, and let them track my internet activity. How could they do this to me?
Brad Pitt should have his own line of deodorant called Brad's Pits
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds? Two kilomockingbirds (credit goes to my old physics book)
Why do birds fly south in the Winter? Because its too far to walk!
[first date] Her: I want a man who gives me butterflies Me: (pulls out shoebox of preserved dead butterflies) You are in luck
I used to get so upset by this one twitter account that went out of their way to shade me constantly. They knew everything I’d ever done and read every article about me and had a criticism for all of it. Then I realized: they’re watching EVERYTHING i do! They’re my biggest fan!
What do you call India's top TV Show? Dan Singh with the Sitars
Last night my wife and I watched 2 hours of cooking shows, before she hugged me and went to bed. I'm pretty sure I'm in the friend zone.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge "This is not working. I'm going to my mom's house." I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?
Did you find it difficult being queer in a Black Greek Letter Org? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Why are gay men always first to check-out of a hotel? They had their shit packed the night before.
My girlfriend's father is pretty religious and said we couldn't make love... which is rather disappointing because he's extremely handsome.
Someone is suing Canada Dry Ginger Ale because it contains no ginger, so I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against Panda Express.
[Group Therapy in Insane Asylum] Therapist: Let's talk about the desires we have to hurt people. Psycho 1: I want to kill people Psycho 2: I want to eat people Psycho 3: I want to post Game Of Thrones spoilers Psycho 1 and 2: What is wrong with you? That is really messed up.
Baby yoda = delight, ancient yoda = enchanting, teen yoda = friggin impossible
Time to fulfill my dream of marketing my own line of artisanal antifreeze.
I really enjoyed @JimCarrey's "memoir." Like Jim, the book is wildly comic, inventive, subversive, and made primarily of compressed paper pulp.
ME: Oh my god, like the spaghetti guy? DR. BOYARDEE: Do you want me to treat your snake bite, or do you want to talk about my brother?
I just saw a sign in a shop window that read... "I would rather have a 1000 muslim customers than have one US soldier in my shop" The Funeral directors crack me up!
A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother... They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them! They named him Ravi O. Lee 
What do you call a sad terrorist? A crisis
When restaurants ask if they can pack up my leftover food for me, I say no and then stuff it in my cheeks like a hamster and leave.
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words. Lazy
A parody of The Mandalorian but it’s The Mindalorian? Am I’m in the whole costume but doing Mindy-type stuff?
Cowboy:" Give me three packs of condoms, please." Cashier:" Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'...."
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
So I heard ladies like bad boys. Lucky for them, I'm bad at everything
interviewer: what's your greatest weakness me: i'm partially deaf interviewer: is that right me: why would it be tight
When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says "hey, I just wanna be friends."
My best chance of catching up on all the great TV shows is a non-fatal skiing accident.
Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day
[bedroom] Wife: Do that thing I like Me: *puts on sleep apnea mask
My Wife and I were blissfully happy for 25 magical years.. And then we met...
I've been going through a really rough period at work this week It's my own fault for swapping my tampax for sand paper.
I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles. You know...heroin.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.
[about to invent social media] 'What if there was a way to be overwhelmed with politics all the time instead of just every 4 years at the election?'
[hospital] Doctor: We're giving you IV drugs to help with the pain. Do you have any questions? Me: Why do you use Roman numerals to number your drugs? Doctor: ???
Grapes don't cry when they're crushed But they do wine
Black women make the best wives. You can't see their bruises.
They have free mints in the movie theater bathrooms. Wife: "GROSS, who eats mints from the bathroom?!" Me: (Mouth full of mints) "I KNOW!"
This one time, I shot a defenseless black guy and got arrested.. For impersonating an officer of the law.
My town never changes population. Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Me: This spider who keeps building a web in my front doorway every day is annoying Spider: The human who keeps walking through my web looks hilarious. Every single time. Remind me to rebuild this thing tomorrow
My wife packed a kale and quinoa salad for lunch for me today, so now I have to eat it hiding in the bathroom so people don't think I'm a hipster.
An English man asked an American how he liked his tea The American replied, "in the harbor."
MOST BIRDS: Chirp chirp chirp ONE VERY STUCK UP KIND OF BIRD THAT FORGOT WHERE IT CAME FROM: Hoo
It's hard following a clown act My girlfriend dated a clown before we started going together. I've got some pretty big shoes to fill.
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and they smell.
Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts? It's not my fault I'm blind.
“Back when Tim and I were living in Denver, we always wanted a heart healthy way to start our day before a brisk Colorado morning! This was before I was diagnosed with GERD, and just after we adopted Pepper our black lab.” JUST GIVE ME THE FRITTATA RECIPE GODDAMNIT
My boss said, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
Why doesn't the South have many subways? Because they hate underground railroads.
A fat man was standing in front of a kindergarten One of the teachers comes and asks him: "Are you expecting a child?" "No. I am a bit fat that's all"
interviewer: how do you deal with high stress situations me: [remembering holding one of those vibrating pagers they give you at restaurants] mostly crying
How Many Muslim Women Does it Take to Screw In a Light Bulb? Silly, Muslim Women aren't allowed to screw in light bulbs.
Heading to Chinatown after work... I heard it's Erection Day.
me: [gets up from movie] dog: want me to paws it for you? me: oh sure-wait did you say paws dog: lol me: oh my god lmao
*bird flies in my house through the chimney, I calmly walk out the front door and lock it* Goodbye, house.
I got thrown out a strip club last night for using monopoly money. I don't see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. How do I soften the blow?
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with three guys? She came back with a red snapper.
Mattel released a Muslim Barbie... It's a blow-up doll.
*takes cute picture with child for Instagram *writes inspirational post about being a good parent while ignoring child for 45 mins
What do multiculturalism and the movie Jaws have in common? They both made Americans despise great whites!
Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow
Someone told me I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Of all the ways to go to hell, in a hand basket sounds the most pleasant.
What did the cannibal's wife say when he came home late for dinner? I'm giving you the cold shoulder.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck did CrossFit? My guess is more.
Whenever I get new followers, I try to tweet something really disappointing so they know what they're in for.
ME SEEING A PICTURE OF THE MARS ROVER: I love you, mars rover. ME WATCHING AN EPISODE OF PLANET EARTH: I love you, David Attenborough ME SEEING MY DAD IN PERSON: Hey, dude.
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers one is biting hers one is licking hers. Which one is married? The one with the wedding ring YOU SICK-O!
I didn't know what to wear to the premature ejaculation club so i just came in my pants
Comic book plot idea: Catwoman dies after having the uncontrollable urge to chase after Superman's laser vision.
The best part of going to a 3D movie is how everyone in the theater looks like Roy Orbison.
Sitting here wondering when a spiderweb becomes a cob. Like Plato, Aristotle, and the others.
professor: osmium is the densest material on earth, 22 grams in 1 cubic centimeter me: so you're saying- professor: [nodding] thicc as fuck
This girl I like said she didn't like bondage..... ....Me either, but you're the one who said No.
What do you call someone who cleans a vaccum cleaner? A vacuum cleaner.
I think my friend might be gay... His dick tastes like shit.
What did the french chef give his wife on Valentine's day? A hug and a little quiche.
What do you call a tall, obese computer nerd with a bladder control problem. A Big Fat Geek Wetting.
ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction
What do they call mosquitoes in Pakistan? Churchitoes
How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
[first date] Her: I like bad boys Me: (trying to impress) Sometimes I reply to "do not reply" emails
Two cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere.
If you get a divorce in Arkansas... ... is she still your sister?
Humans: we're not like snakes Also Humans: mmmm eggs
Yo mama's like the sun you look at her to  long you will go blind!
Whats a word that white people can call white people but black people cannot call black people? Dad.
Golfer A: I got a set of golf clubs for my wife. Golfer B: Good trade!
What sex position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
Don't you think that when people take the hyphen out of a smiley it looks like someone with Down Syndrome :)
me: what does ama mean friend: ask me anything me: what does ama mean
What do u call a hilarious Mexican herb? Sillyantro
What's the difference between a Caucasian and an asian? The cauc.
What do you call an Irishman who bounces off of walls? Rick O'Shea.
What did Mick Jagger say to the guy who hacked into his dropbox account?.. Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
when she farts with you there, consider that a compliment. She is comfortable with you now.
You know what they say... Once you go black... You're a single mother.
It's weird how I can come up with the wittiest things to say when I'm in the shower... too bad none of the other guys showering at the gym appreciate my humor
Two condoms walk by a gay bar... One says to the other, "Wanna go inside and get shitfaced?"
Hey grandson, what's the name of that german man who makes me go crazy? Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer...
What do you call a black man flying a plane? The pilot.
How can you tell the inventor of the toothbrush was from West Virginia? If he was from anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush.
What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike? Look ma, no hands!
I punched a feminist today and as she hit the floor, she screeched "Somebody call the cops" In other words.... Get some 'men' to help me!
I was blocked by the Game of Thrones Twitter account because I said I'm rooting for the White Walkers because they're white.
Duck Dynasty guy is right-- if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I accidentally put my wallet in the freezer last night. Was a good job really, I needed some cold hard cash!
What do you call an Ethiopian with a dog? Stupid.
I only drink on days beginning with "T". Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
My Muslim wife left me the other day. I guess she didn't know what Jihad.
I Googled "how to start a wildfire". I got 48,500 matches.
My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed I told her it's unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.
My wife just gave birth to a ginger baby. We've shaved it's head and told everyone it has cancer.
I want to open a gay poker bar. And call it "The space of AIDS"
Instead of murder/suicide, I'm contemplating the rare suicide/murder, whereby I jump out a high window and land on my girlfriend.
What do you call a Mexican guy with one rubber toe? Roberto
The original Big Bird has retired from Sesame Street. I'm told he was delicious.
Why did the blonde have a sore belly-button? Because she had a blond boyfriend.
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic? The Air Force; they're US AF
Angels and Demons having a drink together??!!! WTF!!! bad idea suck Sandwich
So many people these days are too judgmental I can tell just by looking at them.
The worst pub I've ever been in was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.
girlfriend: promise you won't do anything weird me: ok [later at the funeral] me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
My father once told me, "Son, you're not an African't American, You're an African American't." Just kidding. I'm black. I don't have a father.
*Chooses paper towels instead of the hand dryer right as a tree walks into the bathroom*
I met a vaping vampire from Romania. He called himself Vlad the Inhaler.
How do you figure out which contestant in a Ms. America pageant is a prostitute? Look for the one with the sash that says "I da ho".
My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone. You can't just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.
How do you get rid of a fat ghost? Exorcise it.
I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better. That shows a lack of ambition to me. It's no wonder they're paid less.
I don't like American spellings: I don't like color. I don't like neighbor. And I really don't like colored neighbors.
I got down on one knee in the middle of a busy restaurant and pulled out the ring. The whole place was in tears! 'Marry me... and I'll put it back in the grenade.'
I was going to visit Bangkok... but then I said Phuket. ROFL
What do you call the argument between two vegans? A plant-based beef.
What do you call a constipated detective? No shit, Sherlock.
What do you do when you see a space man? Park your car, man.
What does a dildo and a selfie stick have in common? They both have a cunt at the other end
It's only the fifth inning but both the Astros and the Dodgers just left early to beat the traffic.
Welcome to your forties. Your eyebrows are now bushy enough you can see them without using a mirror.
I got my wife something special for our Anniversary. She looked after my Downs Syndrome cousin while I went to the pub with my mates.
Serious question: when did the Dark Web and the normal one switch places?
The only bathroom law I'm interested in is one that bans loud sighing.
My Wife is refusing to fry any food and is insisting on eating healthier. She is turning into a Kitchen Nazi. She keeps sticking everything in the oven.
Farting in a packed elevator... Is wrong on so many levels.
Except for my tendency to screech at flying sparks, I would have made an excellent blacksmith.
[when someone compliments me] Me: I'm not sure how to respond to the reverse ball busting that is happening right now.
me: [posing cute for a picture] mugshot photographer: i said stop it
Wife: You act like a child with that phone. Me: Child? I'm a grown ass man. Wife: Let me see your phone. Me: No. *snatches phone Me: MINE
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
What do you call a redhead with a yeast infection? Gingerbread
Me: goodnight kids Kids: goodnight dad Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT
What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane A pilot
I once had a friend who was addicted to drinking break fluid.. But he said he could stop whenever he wanted!
A baby's laughter can be the most beautiful sound you will ever hear. Unless it's 3 am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby.
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots.
Did you hear about the Leper going for the masturbation world record? Eventually he pulled it off!
What happened to the blind circumcisor? He got the sack.
The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine's Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.
What's the hardest part of washing a vegetable? putting them back in the wheelchair
If jews had a planet I would call it Jewpiter
Stephen King has a son named Joe. I'm not joking, but he is.
[wife in labor] *i press play on cassette {Ice Cube - You Can Do It} Wife:WHAT THE HELL Me: sorry hun *ff to {SaltNPeppa - Push It}
The main reason I can't get ahead in life is because the system is set up against people like me who are unmotivated and lazy
I like jokes about the eyes. The cornea the better.
What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.
me: i don't think these drugs are working dog: me neither me: well at least that genie made you able to talk all those years ago
Before going to the hairdressers my wife asked me "What cut do you think would make me more attractive" "A fucking power cut".... was apparently was the wrong answer!
I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Which country has the fastest growing capitol? Ireland. It's Dublin every year
Dad: What's a lion and a witch doing in your wardrobe Me: it's Narnia Business
How do you know when you're drowning in milk? When it's pasteurise.
her: if you make one more joke about millennials having to rent things, i'm leaving you me: idk i'm not buying it
Rolled my first joint last night. Fuck, my ankle hurts this morning
Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital? In the ICU
What type of wife always knows where her husband is? A widow
They should have never given you girls fake eyelashes. This chick just blinked and it sounded like a flock of pigeons took off.
Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my cock!
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you'll look wearing a new shirt after you've been decapitated.
What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired
Lonely and awkward people are waiting to talk to you on Twitter right now
How many Mexicans does it take to pave a driveway? Six, if you slice them thin enough.
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!
My Christian friend told me he doesn't believe in gay marriage. He said there should be no such thing as a happy marriage.
What did the bee say to his wife? No on knows. It's a Mister Bee.
What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady? But we'll never know, because he can't stand up?
teacher: alright today we have a speaker to talk about why drugs are bad me: [rollerblades through the door but i'm so high i run straight into the wall]
This is an unbelievable statistic: 18% of all statistics are falsely inflated 106% of the time.
How does Bill Clinton get an intern into his office? He calls her on his sexyphone.
me: [headbanging to the radio] my barber: fuckin stop it
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
wanna crazy your crazy? try killing a fly while carrying on a serious conversation.
Damn girl, are your clothes Comcast customers? Because I can see them getting ripped off tonight.
Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.
all gay people open this ㅤㅤ god is a woman
Bob told his wife, "I can't work for him anymore after what he said to me". Wife: What did he say? Bob: You're fired
My wife wears my t-shirts around the house sometimes, but the minute I put on one of her business suits to mow the lawn I get in trouble.
[couples therapy] ME: She thinks I make bad decisions WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
 Yo moma so stupid she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side
Webster's defines "cliche" as "starting a speech with 'Webster's defines'"
When I put the left AirPod in my left ear on the first try, I know it's gonna be a great day.
A leading rabbi has ruled that marijuana is kosher Now we know what kids are gonna be doing for the Jewish High Holidays...
Did you hear about the Vietnam veteran who became a sewage worker? He's seen some shit.
I should have predicted this would happen - my kids saw "Kong: Skull Island" and now they want their own pet Hiddleston.
Fitness experts say you build more muscle on rest days than you do on workout days, which is good because that's pretty much all I do.
I tried telling a joke my friend from Baghdad told me. Unfortunately, Iraqed it.
The news is currently that spinning image of a newspaper, but it never stops spinning.
How many gay men does it take to change a lightbulb? "Ummm ... forget about the changing the lightbulb, honey, maybe let's start with changing those curtains"
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. But other times I let her sleep in.
I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...
I had surgery to change myself from Asian to Caucasian. It was a real eye opening experience haha
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is all I need. Not all this "how did you get in my house??!!!" business.
Its a blessing in disguise when your kids look more like your partner than they do you.... you can distance yourself from them when they embarrass you in public.
Is anyone else listening to that podcast in their car, the one with the sobbing woman who says I'm not a podcast, damn it, I'm your wife, what's wrong with you?
What Do You Call A Bad Mexican Restaurant? Shitpotle
What do you call an Irish man sitting in his garden? Paddy O'Furniture. haha
Which country is filled with very poor singers? Singapore.
Me: I weighed myself before and after I used the bathroom and I was heavier after Wife: How? M: Eating pie on the toilet W: You're disgusting
Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?.. Because he was outstanding in his field ROFL
This year, I'm breaking with tradition a little and stuffing my turkey with delusions of grandeur.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought "That's just spam."
Have you ever heard of the lady who was accused of being the infamous Quilted Killer? She's innocent until proven quilty.
Today I saw 2 blind people fighting. I shouted "I support the one with the knife.!" they both ran away.
I was at the vet with my cat, Cat: "Meow" Me: "I know, that's why I brought you here"
I have a very specific kind of OCD where I like to buy a dozen donuts and a dozen donut holes and then reunite them.
Do all black people have a problem with slavery? Or just mine?
What would you find on a German fire truck? Ladder-hosen
This morning my kitten was riding around the house on my dog's back like he was on a horse. I'd post a video of it but I made it up.
I was recently burgled. They took my life preserver, my AED and my portable oxygen tank. It was my entire life savings.
Just realized I’ve been calling somebody “Ty”who was just signing his texts “thank you”. Im 80
What do you call a kinky dinosaur? A doyouhaveasoreass.
Who decided to call them pallbearers and not dead lifters
What do you call children born in brothels? Whorephans
Two nuns walking through the park were confronted by a flasher. The 85-year-old nun immediately had a stroke. The younger one didn't touch it.
*mugger pulls a knife* Mugger: gimme your money Me: well this night took a SHARP turn *later* Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
How did 1940's German Men pick up Jewish Girls With a broom and a dustpan
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.
What do you call a group of confused Spanish speaking racists? The Qué Qué Qué
Protip: Buy your toddler a king sized bed. You're going to be spending a lot of time laying in that bed, so you might as well be comfortable.
When people ask if the carpet matches the drapes, I say it's all hardwood, baby. Or maybe laminate? I'll put you in touch with my designer.
me: [gasp] santa! what are you doing here santa: oh ho ho i was just- my mom: [turning on light] you get the fuck out of here santa: linda he deserves to know who his dad is
My girlfriend complained that I treat her like a slave. So I sold her.
Don't buy whitening toothpaste It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days. 15 days have come and gone... and I am still asian.
What Did The Muslim Terminator Say? Allah Be Back.
What do you call a black Canadian? Just 'Canadian'.
My epileptic brother won the dancing competition at our local pub last night... He was only walking across the dance floor to get a pint.
You know how annoying it is when your toddler continually asks stupid questions? That's how Google feels about all of us.
*In job interview* And what would you say is your best quality. *I silently stand and start moving chairs to make room to do the splits*
To the Dads out there: today and all days, may your Dockers be wrinkle-free.
The Canadian election is happening and it's getting ugly. I just saw two people supporting opposing parties arguing on Facebook and they both forgot to say please and thank you.
Have you seen the Passion of the Christ? [Spoiler Alert] he dies in the end. rofl
Movie pitch: Millenials buy a house that turns out to be haunted, but they're just grateful they were able to afford something in a good school district.
The only thing keeping me from starting my own doomsday sex cult is that I look terrible in sunglasses.
What’s the easiest animal to shoot? Fish, because they're always found in schools
I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning.... Even if it is to make sure the door is locked.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww. ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma'am.
How do you know if a black woman is pregnant? Stick a banana up her cooter, if it comes out half eaten, you've got a monkey on the way!
I learn from the mistakes made by people who took my advice.
There are two types of men... 1. Those who've had their dicks sucked by a tranny. 2. Those who don't know they have...
I'm one of those lucky people who can eat whatever they want and get a huge gut
What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach? Oh no Michelle! corny
In the 2 decades I've been using USB connectors I don't think I have EVER put one in properly without having to flip it over. Not. One. Time.
Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income  family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
I found $50 lying on the street. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine.
[doing prison visitation] Death row inmate: I am so scared of dying Me: I know exactly what you're going through Inmate: How could you possibly? Me: *shows phone with text from my wife saying 'we need to talk later'* Inmate: Oh wow. I'm actually kind of glad I'm in here now
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have  known it's summer.
Got asked by two Thai girls if I wanted a threesome. They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right: we had six matching balls.
If living without sport has taught me anything... it's that I could live without womens sport FOREVER.
How do you say Constipated in German? Farfrompoopin
[at the gym] Him: Hey man, could you spot me? Me: Sure. What do you need... 10... 20 bucks? Him: Uhh..? Me: Just kidding. I have no money.
A woman was taking a shower when the doorbell rang. "It's the blind man" he called. That's ok, she thought, so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door. "Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"
So I'm gay and single .... Does that make me homolone?
What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry corny
The best part of being a ninja would be being able to use smoke bombs to assassinate someone or get away from an awkward conversation
Why is Islam called the religion of peace? After you leave the religion, you rest in peace.
How much does it cost to buy a large singing group? 'A choir?' Ok, fine. How much does it cost to 'acquire' a large singing group.
I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ? She said "why would we choose you?"
What's up with black people? They're not black... And they're not people.
There are very few things in life I get offended about, but getting a call from a private number is certainly one of them.
I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night. The loud beeping was giving me a headache and made me feel dizzy
What do you say when your lesbian daughter brings home her girlfriend? "Are you going to be staying for dinner or eating out?"
Ain't no sandwich when she's gone.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: 'Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron!' She's watching our wedding video again.
[Doctor looking at my x-rays] Doctor: This is exactly what I was afraid of Me: What? Doctor: Skeletons
U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands. Or according to their tax returns, one of Netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.
What's a cannibal's favourite game? Swallow the leader.
Stranger Things' captures the 80s so well, there's even a scene of me not getting laid in college.
Wayyyyy too many women are out here trying to fix men they didn't break.
It's normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
What do you call riot police in Germany? Kraut Control
You guys keep talking about drinking alcohol out of a brown bag. How does it work? Mine keeps leaking like crazy when I pour it in there.
Every time spellcheck corrects “does” to “dies”, for a split second I panic that the subject of the sentence that has passed away
An astronaut didn't comprehend why he couldn't take off his spacesuit on the moon - guess he didn't understand the gravity of the situation
30 days hath September Same for some months that I can't remember A bunch of the months have 31 They need a better rhyme that rhyme is dumb
I told my friend that Jewish people call God by a different name. He said, "No way!", to which I replied, "Yahweh".
Is there actually a correlation between the time between thunder and lightning and the distance of the storm? Or is that just something all of our dads told us?
A man walks into a doctors office. 'What seems to be the problem?' Asks the doc. 'It's... um... well... I have five penises,' replies the man. 'Blimey!' Says the doctor, 'how do your trousers fit?' 'Like a glove.'
Why are black peoples palms white? Because there's a little bit of good in everyone.
Me: I'm so excited to get a good night sleep tonight Brain: Actually, how about we recap all the things you screwed up today
Everybody changed their job titles to sound less threatening but not landlords. Those little lords still lordin' those lands.
ME: Can you make sure I come back as something other than a human? DALAI LAMA: I am not in charge of that. ME: [slipping him $5] I'm tired of bathing.
Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not become ill? Jerry can.
Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers. They call them "I can't believe it's not Jesus"
BIRD IN A BIRDBATH: Chirp chirp chirp. BIRD IN A PUDDLE ON THE GROUND: You fucking sellout.
BREAKING NEWS. Husband murders wife with Cancer. I've heard of a gun or a knife but never cancer. Impressive.
Accidentally used my GF's razor and now I feel fat and I'm pretty pissed about something you guys did 3 years ago
If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called? Annoying.
Why did God make farts smell? So that deaf people could enjoy them too.
"You the bomb." "No, you the bomb." In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
I call my girlfriend Dumbledore. She's a head master.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I'm not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
My girlfriend in college left me for another woman. I completely misunderstood her when she said she was going to study a broad.
Why is a lesbians tea green, slimy, and give you a great buzz? Because it's aLGae Bee Tea
Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked. This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.
[Water cooler] -Looks like you had a wild weekend! How'd you get the scratches? *flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.
Why don't feminists work cash registers? They can't make change.
[first day as a undercover police officer] Drug Dealer: Are you a cop? Me: Absolutely not! Why? Drug Dealer: You tried to buy marijuana by calling it 'wacky tabacky' Me: Oh okay, good. I thought it was cause you saw my squad car parked outside Drug dealer: What? Me: What?
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, "My door is always open".
My friend asked me how I got so good at guitar. I told him I'm use to fingering minors.
Why was the wife worried that her husband was a light drinker? Every night, he'd go out and drink until it was light.
What do you call a caveman's fart? A blast from the past.
I'm making a film about emos. I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler... It was exhausting.
9 out of 10 doctors recommended for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street... An they see a young boy. The priests says, "you want to screw him?" The rabbi says, "out of what?"
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I'm at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, "Stairs".
date: i like guys who are mysterious me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn't it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
What's the proper way to pronounce Mormon? The second m is silent.
Why is Italy shaped like a boot? Well, can't fit that much shit in a sneaker!
Notice: Due to overwhelming political pressure, Cracker Barrel will now be known as Caucasian Barrel.
You know it's time to move on when she develops an immunity to Rohypnol.
la croix tastes like orange crush that gave up on its dreams and got a job at a car dealership
I've been writing a joke about the whites, blacks and asians... But it's a bit racey.
Black people have 3 things that are white. Their eyeballs, their teeth, and... their masters
We shot this entire scene in an actual 100 year old barn that was still being used for livestock. It smelled lovely. Realistic Film Making
I've heard seven cancer jokes today. If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
I imagine the overwhelming feeling of freedom a prisoner feels when they escape from jail is a lot like what I feel when we drop the kids off with their grandparents.
What did the Mexican say to the Italian? Que pasta?
[job interview] Boss: What's your greatest strength? Me: I have a booty that won't quit Boss: How's the rest of you? Me: Very noncommittal
Where did the Mexican man hide when robbers entered his home? Hispanic room
My wife has threatened to leave me because of my obsession with horoscopes. It's taurus apart.
How does a Muslim close a door? Islams it!
When I ship something to a small town the address is always like: 7 HAPPY SUN CRESCENT When I ship something to a big city the address is always like: 666 NEEDLE ROAD, WIDDOW-MAKER BUILDING, NORTH OF THE BADLANDS, BUZZER 1313, ASK FOR 'THE REAPER'
What's the difference between a Transformer robot and a Transgender person? One is living in a spaceship and one is living a lie.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes...but it's right.
I just got a new job at a gay magazine. I'm a poofreader.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb. I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."
I told my kids that at their age I had to watch VHS tapes on school safety, and they said 'what's school safety?'
What do you call a woman on a cruise ship in Mexico using the diving board at the pool? A broad abroad on a board aboard.
The horse favored to win the Kentucky Derby had to pull out of the race. Apparently, someone dug up some of his homophobic tweets.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk ME: [from cardboard box] i'm sorry come out of where? WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Got fired from the Wonka factory because I refused to let that hack name the result of eight years of intensive nougat science a 'Rim Tim Timbly Jimbly Bar'
People overcome adversity all the time... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
On October 1st, 1861, Charles Darwin wrote in his journal: "I am very poorly today and very stupid and hate everybody and everything."
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. Fucking idiots.
ME: Herman Melville wasn't appreciated until he died. WRITER: Thanks, that means a lot. ME: [in my head] I need to make my threats clearer
What's the difference between a deaf dog and a one night stand? The one never comes when he's called and the other never calls after he comes.
One of my favorite ways to warm up on a cold day is by having an intense panic attack
The US government once set a bunch of beer next to an atomic blast to see if it would still be drinkable after. Turns out, in the event of a nuclear war, beer is still safe to drink.
*watching The Olympics* I could probably do that if I practiced *watching auctioneer* wow I could never talk that fast in a million years
I think my girlfriend would be a great presidential candidate, Because she's so awesome at bringing up shit from the past.
You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."
Kid: mom, some kid is calling me gay mama: Hit him, in the face. Kid: I cant Mom: Why? Kid: Cause, he's so Cute!!
What is a Polish person's favorite weapon? A Warsaw...
MY DAD: You'll take care of me when I get older, right? ME: [Thinking about when I was little and he used to scrub the shampoo into my hair too hard] We'll see.
Why are there no transvestites in space? Because there is zero drag.
Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked: "What are you doing?" He said: "Working from home."
What do u call a gay dinosaur? A mega-sore-ass
Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough She keeps asking what I'm doing
My girlfriends period is on my birthday. Why does she always have to be so anal about everything?
Guy comes home with a flower bouquet... "Guess I'll have to spread my legs now", says the wife. "Why? Don't you have a vase?" the husband replies.
I yelled, 'COW!' at a woman on a bike as she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. Well, I tried.
Me: Yes, I'd like the Mexican massage. Masseuse: The what? Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream* Masseuse: Me: Let's go, chop chop.
Dude 1: Hey, bro? Dude 2: Yeah bro? Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet? Dude 2: Brochure
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
I owned a wife beater once. I can't believe I let someone else have all the fun! haha
I'm organising a charity ball next week for people who struggle to reach orgasm Just let me know if you can't come.
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards? A receding airline corny
Sometimes at night, I peek my head into my children's rooms and say to myself 'man, I am so blessed... that they're sleeping right now'.
I made a new app for Muslim wrestlers. iSlam
Me: Did you hear that Amazon has a new service where they'll be delivering Christmas trees? Wife: Oh really? That's cool. Me: They're calling it Amazon Pine. Wife: I want a divorce.
A woman complained to HR that a coworker was always complimenting how nice her hair smells. HR: "Why is that a problem?" Employee: "He's a midget"
I never chase a man. I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I hold the door open for people because I'm courteous and also because I like to make them walk faster.
What do you call a monkey with a stick of dynamite up his ass? A ba-boom. rofl
"Oooh lovely, Jehovas Witnesses" I said as I answered the door.... "Come inside and sit down while I put the kettle on" "You don't have to do that" they said... "I do if I'm going to pour boiling water over you"
What do you call a waffle on a California beach? A Sandy Eggo
My dad thought it would be a good idea to show my girlfriend my baby photos. "You haven't changed at all." she laughed. "That's enough of the naked ones, please." I told him.
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes...
So grateful I grew up in the 70s when dick pics had to be developed at the drug store by a guy named Jim.
(Ok don't let her know ur Jesus) Girl: Meet my dad *they shake hands* *Dad stands up from wheelchair* Dad: It's a miracle! Jesus: *facepalm*
Just found out my wife has cooties. I'm headed to the clinic to get tested. So many emotions right now"
The year is 2052, President Cooterpie has declared war on That Island of Plastic Garbage in the Pacific, and the Stones are still touring.
People who write "could of" instead of "could have" should of listened more in English class.
Santa knows if I've been bad or good, so he and my browser history have a lot in common.
I'm headed out now to the record store to buy The Raconteurs' new album. Then I'm going to the pharmacy for a chocolate malt. I live in a small town in 1948.
Marriage is all about compromise. My wife told me I need to stop eating so much McDonalds, so I switched over to Burger King.
I like to say 'toodles' when I leave work so my coworkers know the workplace alpha male has just left.
I got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer.
i think it's time we drop the charade and stop pretending rhode island is real
[ phone call ] Wife: You want the white 7" or the black 9". Me: The black 9". ..and if she wasn't tablet shopping this would be awkward.
I have a friend who everyone knows is gay but he won't admit it. He'll swallow everything but his pride.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
me: [rolling over for the 40th time in the middle of the night] the monster under my bed: will you shut the fuck up
I recently went on Shark Tank and did terribly because I thought it was Dancing With the Stars.
The benefits of drinking more water include having to go to the bathroom more where you can be on your phone in peace, and that's it.
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song? A hummingbird.
Everybody's a gangster until they get punched in the mouth - Mike Tyson And after that, everybody's a gangthter.
I secretly bought some new trousers without telling my girlfriend Do you think chinos?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can't seem to get pregnant DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests... STICK BUG WIFE: ...and? DOC: Your husband's an actual stick
The loudest word ever shouted was "quiet."
Can someone recommend a great at home online workout where I just need some hand weights and a mat. Also i have a treadmill. Not like bands and a trampoline please, I am only one human woman
Sometimes I saunter in front of the tattoo parlor just to make the artists' mouths water. Look at how much skin I have. It would be like doing a mural. I know what you want, you dirty dogs.
I told my chef wife that if she were to leave me... please leave me one of your incredible cupcakes. She replied..."I won't dessert you."
What do you call an african american in a 3 piece suit? The defendant.
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaay
Common sense is like deodorant. Those who need it never use it.
"Call your blonde friend, your black friend & your Asian friend!" - every cellphone ad ever
Don't compare whales to feminists... It's very offensive to whales
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she's told me I forgot...
What do you call a homeless man? A Hobo Sapien.
I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no. he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.
genie: you sure? most people would end world hunger or something me: [going in for my 3rd hug] i'm sure
Why are there no black people at the North Pole? Because there is nothing to steal there
How do you blindfold an Asian person? You put floss over his eyes.
What do you call a mushroom who strongly believes in radical Islamism? a fungimentalist
Me: Some people see that traffic signal as a don't walk sign... but I'm more of an optimist. I see it as an open hand inviting me to run across the street and give it a high five. Cop: (handing me a jaywalking ticket) Let's also check this guy for drugs
Sometimes I think Scientology was secretly started by Mormons so they could have a religion to make fun of.
Finally my winter fat is gone... Now I have spring rolls.
If there are three gay guys in a bath and a lump of cum floats to the surface, what do they say? Who farted?
My favorite part of true crime podcasts is the incredible suspense I feel when I'm waiting for the MeUndies promo code.
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female and you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?
What's the difference between an Asian and a dumb white girl? The Asian try to get the A, but the white girl try to get the D
me: jimmy falon: very cool very-[laughing way to hard] that is incredible really wow
Why did the hippie stick his penis in the chick peas? Because he was a hummusexual...
Me: it hurts when I do this Doctor: sit on a table? Me: no share a room with the man my wife is sleeping with *the silence is a new pain*
DAD: [on deathbed] I... I see the light... Who left that on?
It's exciting that the LA Dodgers will be playing in the World Series, unless of course their pilots get picked up.
My wife told me I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.
True love is going through all 30 pages of my wedding album and using a Sharpie to blacken my orange Crocs.
When you eat the food at the bottom of the food pyramid, all the food on the top makes money.
Policeman: I've had my eye on you for some time now. Young Lady: That's funny. I thought you were arresting me for speeding.
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code. Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
An old lady in front of me dropped a $20 note, so I asked myself, "what would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I can't never remember if I'm lisdexic Or epileptikjlfasd,md,.dsaf-aaaaafddasfrwe
Six of the dwarfs have personalities and one of them just sneezes a lot.
I used to think all black people had boomboxes. Then I realized that was just a stereo type
How do you make Helen Keller cry? Turn the stool upside-down
"First gay marriage. What's next - people marrying dogs?!" *nervous glance at dog* Dog: Frank, we've been over this. I like you as a friend
did you know that the earth used to be 100% water? that was until yo momma got thirsty.
There's nothing more manly than wearing a sports jersey with another grown man's name written on it.
PIRATE CAPTAIN: What should we do with this all this treasure? SKINNY PIRATE: Spend it on wenches! FAT PIRATE: Spend it on grog! FOUR-LEGGED FURRY PIRATE: Bury it?
My new girlfriend says that a small penis will not affect our relationship. That's all well and good, but I'd be a lot happier if she didn't have one at all.
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ? 'Dad dad look what marma-laid' !
In the new James Bond movie, Bond apologizes to women for his behavior and is never seen again.
I am amazing at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.
*Strong man rips phone book in half Me: That's amazing, where did you get a phone book?
A horse walks into a bar. Barman says "why the long face". The horse clearly unable to understand eats a beer mat & shits on the floor
The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money. What a woman.
To the haters on Twitter, if you don't like me or my tweets, I have an important message for you: Would 5 bucks change your mind? I need people to like me because it boosts my low self esteem.
You should never ask a woman if she's pregnant... the best way to find out is by subtly asking her for a urine sample so you can test it with a pregnancy stick.
I'm the Michael Jordan of lazy sports analogies.
What is long, black and dangerous to cut into? The line at KFC
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said: "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park."
What did the son corn say to the mama corn? Where's pop corn?
The reason you have to wait so long at the hospital is because the doctors are busy flirting and having relations with each other just like on Grey's Anatomy.
The only time I regret having 3 cats is fairly often.
Two Arabs are on a plane. One orders a bottle of Champagne and asks the other "do you want some?". The other replies "No thanks, I'll have to drive soon".
When is the worst time to have a heart attack? During a game of charades haha
If we're going to arm the teachers at least give the librarians silencers.
I deleted all the German contacts out of my phone... now its Hans free
What's black and white and red all over and can't get through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head.
Why black people are so good with basketball? They can shoot and steal without being arrested.
I was driving my date to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions; she just laughed at me... So I right her left there.
Having recently given up drugs life is quite boring, I now need a wife of substance to abuse.
*spelling words to my wife so our child doesn't get scared* I heard on the news that the S-U-N is going to explode and kill us all tonight
What's good on a woman but not on a pizza? Crust
I went to a cannibal wedding. The Groom toasted the bridesmaids, The best man toasted the Bride and Groom and the father of the Bride toasted absent friends..... It was a helluva barbecue.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My brother waits till the last minute to steal packages off a porch.
What did the Mexican guy get for Christmas? His verdict.
What do you get when you have Tiger Woods, Stephen Hawking, and Dwayne Johnson in the same room? An Animal, a Vegetable, and a Mineral.
therapist: living with depression is a difficult thing depression: actually living with him is worse- me: [knocks on door frame] heyyyy just putting it out there, we are officially out of dr pepper
Why are there no casinos in Africa? Too many cheetahs. corny
Me: Siri, did The Beatles ever use female backup singers in their songs? Siri: You have a lot of free time for a, quote, busy guy.
What's the most confusing day in a Mormon home? Mother's Day.
Why did the cyclops quit teaching? He had only one pupil. corny
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
Only humans think it's easier to terraform a new planet than be a tiny bit accountable.
2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine, both in hospital...one's in a korma..
Twitter has been abuzz over Selena Gomez's spray tan at the Met Gala. In other news, we may be having a nuclear war with Iran.
What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other's a great year.
McMaster' sounds like what happens when a German guy makes up an Irish name.
My wife says I act really immature and need to grow up I told her to get the hell out of my pillow fort with that negative attitude
Knock Knock... Whose there? Grandpa... QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!!!
How do you make a Chinese man no longer Asian? Just spin him around in circles until he's disoriented
What's green and not heavy? Light green h
After a day of arguing with coworkers and family members, it's nice at the end of the day to finally get some alone time to argue with strangers on the internet
Why did the Mexican take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks
Well I was going to donate blood today until.... the lady got all personal and started asking, "Who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
What's the difference between pussy and mashed potatoes Mashed potatoes don't make their own gravy
It's embarrassing when you're the only one out on the dance floor... and by dance floor, I mean the electronics department in Walmart
Sit. (Just found out my dog is on Twitter.)
What do you call a zombified piece of toast? The un-bread.
There's a man walking a tight rope. 100ft below him there's a man getting a blowjob from an 80 year old woman. What are they both thinking? Don't look down.
The Mega Millions drawing is going to make someone an instant Republican.
What do a horny ornithologist and a Na'vi buff have in common? They both get turned on by blue tits.
Google is definitely a woman, it starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence.
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe. At the hospital, the surgeon mistook a piece of candy for my toe. I now have a Tic-Tac toe.
What do you call a fish wearing a tie. Sofishticated.
Welcome to your forties. Get ready to be too tired for pretty much everything that brings joy in life.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it's the right brand so it doesn't get the hose again.
A Muslim, A Christian and a Jew walk into a bar, The Muslim blows up the place before anyone could say anything.
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store. I told him: 'You're not going to find what you're looking for here.'
I don't envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
You've been married a long time when the trail of rose petals she left you goes to the lawn mower
[me as a palm reader] You need to wash your hands more
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce. Chicken sees a salad.
My girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well, I've got some news for her.
Every time I drink German beer I wake up with a really bad Hannover.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Q: How do you know if a blonde  has been sending e-mail? A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
To my boss who said the spelling mistakes I make are going to hold me back in the company -- you have no idea how high I can fly! Watch me sore!
I asked a Chinese girl for her number and she said... Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonigh! I thought it was a guaranteed fuck until her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
COP: You carrying any dangerous weapons? *I glance down at my hands which are naturally resting in the karate chop position* ME: [lying] No.
Me: welcome to IHOP, I'm the singing waiter Boss: [overhearing me] no you're not I told you no
What do you call an overweight homosexual? Jigglypuff.
What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
me: officer why would i be high cop: you were driving with your door open me: my what cop: your door was ajar me: well now it's a door
So what if i don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not like it's the end of the world.
I just noticed Amazon has reclassified George Orwell's '1984' under the category of Lighthearted Romps.
My wife told me, "Don't get upset if people call you fat…" You're much bigger than that.
My wife and I argued because she thinks I'm a momma's boy. I'm pretty sure my mom will side with me as soon as she's done doing my laundry.
They never prepare you in premarital counselling for how hard it will be to decide where to eat dinner
When Chromatica II transitions to 911... I’ve never felt more gay and alive!!
[first date] Her: I like bad boys My dog: *Walks away disappointedly because he is a good boy
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead. She can barely walk and she's already the drunk girl at the party.
DRINKING A CUP OF HOT COFFEE: Delicious! DRINKING A CUP OF ICED COFFEE: Fantastic! DRINKING A CUP OF COFFEE AT ANY TEMPERATURE IN BETWEEN: The devil is alive and he's winning.
Where was the first chicken fried? In Greece.
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm? Looks like reindeer.
gays love teasing their halloween costumes like they're about to drop an album
A dog may well be a man's best friend but a cat will never tell the police where your marijuana is.
My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren't drying I swear to god...
100 people died yesterday after a bus caught fire in Mumbai, India. A local police spokesman said, "Thank god it was only a 6-seater!"
Why are European cars the lightest? because there's no Americans sitting in them.
I've found that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery... Until you try to flatter someone in a wheelchair.
Why do pencils shave? To look sharp. corny
Gravity's one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it? Gravy.
Remember everyone who said “we’ll have to see in the fall”? Ya that’s in 2 weeks.
I finally got a snowblower and what a difference it's made. Now instead of procrastinating shovelling the snow, I procrastinate snowblowing it.
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
Two Irish men talking. - I saw my girlfriend going to the movies with another guy the other night. - Oh my god. Did you follow them? - No. - Why not? - I had watched the movie before.
3 kids and another baby on the way with my wife of 14 years. This is the life......... I'm running away from.
Native Americans are all pissed that we took their land when they were here first... ..but we made reservations.
It's really nice to see the political parties attacking each other instead of working together. What a great way to get through the hard times in life.
There's a dog on my street who practices Islam. I don't have a problem with his religion, I just wish he wouldn't wake me up every morning at 5am shouting "ALLAHU AK-BARK."
Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.
*Watching Rome plunge into the dark ages* That's what you get for using letters as numbers, you arrogant fools.
Pro-tip: do not go Christmas caroling in a Stand Your Ground state.
Instead of hanging useless wall art that says 'live, laugh, love', how about putting up something that will actually be beneficial to people who visit your house, like your wifi password.
Science gave us skyscrapers and airplanes... Religion brought them together
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room to remove it.
What are Jehova Witnesses called in Chinese? Ding Dong!
What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll up.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.
How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? Ideally three, but Toucan.
my mom just randomly reposted a Facebook post she made for my birthday years ago apropos of absolutely nothing but now 57 of her friends and even some of my own family have all wished me happy birthday and it is not my birthday
So glad the word "crunchy" exists because the only other way I can think of to describe that texture is "hard but your teeth can still smash it"
How many male chauvinist does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the wife can cook fine in the dark
I'm starting a new charity where homosexuals help the extreme handicapped. I'm calling it "Fruits and Vegetables"
I should rename myself Summer. All girls want is Summer to come.
A woman starts to scream while giving birth. "What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
Why didn't the mobsters car parts fit? ...they all fell off a truck.
I failed an audition to star in a porno to a Chinese guy because at the end I couldn't manage the money shot. I've learnt my lesson for next time - don't beat off more than Yu Can Chu.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Why do the French like to eat snails so much? They can't stand fast food.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it's for her is to eat it. Apparently
A man in an interrogation room says "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present." Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?
What's the difference between a girl's argument and a knife. The knife has a point.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
What's good on pie, but not on pussy? Crust.
Me: *Can't remember people's names 10 seconds after they introduce themselves Also me: *Effortlessly remembers the name of every cat in my neighbourhood
Martin Short, Steve Martin, and Tom Hanks have 'colonoscopy parties' every other year. They arrive at Steve's house around 5 PM the night before to prepare and travel together the next day to get their colonoscopies.
Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends? because they can't protect their towers
*I hold my date's hand for the first time* Date: I've got butterflies in my stomach Me: same. I ate A LOT of butterflies before this
I gave a blind man 10$ He told me he'll pay me back the next time he sees me.
Ethiopian Cuisine... is a bit bland. It tastes like nothing.
Why did the match factory burn down? Because the workers went on strike
Christians have the first name Christian, Muslims Mohammed, Jews Isaac, what boys name do atheist have? Godfrey
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Have you heard the joke about what's in the egg Sorry, you wouldn't find it funny it's more of an inside yolk.
It's now got to the stage in my marriage where me and the wife have gone our separate ways and will be spending a considerable amount of time apart for the indefinite future. She's gone shopping for shoes.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over. It's a vicious cycle.
Everyone grieves in their own way -me explaining to HR why I took a week off when my goldfish died
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
The problem with feminists is that they don't stop talking and I just want to fuck them.
What superhero gets hurt the easiest? Bruise Wayne.
What do you call a barn full of black people? A police shooting range.
What is the Terminators Muslim name? Al Bi Baq
me: therapists are just vibe doctors my great grandson: it's like he's not even here anymore
Someone told me a joke about transgender surgery. Took balls to tell it.
interviewer: what's one of your weaknesses me: i can overthink things interviewer: well can i see your resume me: which color
There are several Muslim kids in my school, and the lack of ambition they all have is truly startling. None seem to care what they'll be when they blow up.
Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?" Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
What do you call a blue-eyed blonde that doesn't eat meat? A vegetaryan
I told my therapist about my constant need to be liked and he said we can discuss it on the jet ski I bought him.
Black people are way more susceptible to diabetes. That's not racist, it's a medical fact. Now if I said "hide your wallets, there's diabetes patients around here," that would be racist.
Billions of locusts swarm through Africa. "The sight was terrifying" Said one of the locusts.
What do you call a homosexual in a wheelchair? Rolaids.
Why are muslim people so kind-hearted? Because they don't live long, especially when they're a bomb
Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. Guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog.
Dyslexic Devil Worshipper Worships Santa
Half of Chinese men have cataracts... The other half drive Lincolns.
This year for Halloween I'm giving out Canadian passports.
There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people Push and pull ROFL
I recently opened a hair removal salon for Muslims. Calling it "Allahu Wax Bar" probably wasn't the best idea.
Anal with my girlfriend made my whole day But it made her whole week.
Different cultures like eating animals that we consider pets... For example, did you know that in Japan, they eat fish?
it's better to give than to receive Especially, if it's anal.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it's our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
The reason you can't go back after going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas.
I bought a cheap hoodie yesterday. I'm not sure how good a slave he'll be, but at that price, I'm willing to give it a go.
Girls who talks about girls' problems are great. But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.
What if there was a fermented drink that won't get you drunk, but costs as much as alcohol? ~how kombucha was invented
Confused about your gender? The answer is VERY simple... If you were born with a penis, you will ALWAYS be a MAN. If you were born with a VAGINA, you will ALWAYS be a moaning bitch.
Someone told me to check every nook and cranny but I can't because I don't know what a cranny is
What do you call houses that have good behavior? Manors.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars? A lot.
What do you call a cute homeless girl? Dust Bunny
HUMAN BODY: I can grow a fully formed human baby in like 9 months. I'm talking brain, functioning respiratory system, eyeballs, everything. ME: Cool, cool. How long will it take for my twisted ankle to feel better? HUMAN BODY: 7 years and it will never be the same.
What is a rude way of referring to a young homosexual fly? A maggot, of course!
What to you call it when you get a boner at a funeral? Mourning Wood
Where did I take my pet Cow on Valentines Day? To the Moooovies rofl
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn't Santa. LOL drugs.
What's the hardest part about roller blading? Telling your parents that you're gay.
Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much... It scared the hell out of me, so today I've decided never to read it again.
What did the depressed ghost say to the psychiatrist? Thanks for lifting my spirits.
What do you call a gay rubber band? An elasstickle
Husband says to his wife "what would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied "I'd take the half and leave you." "great" he said, "I won 12$, here's 6$, stay in touch."
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
I've never told anyone this before but I used to frequently masturbate with hand soap. It feels good to come clean.
[Driving] My wife: Hey, you missed a right. Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs Right.
I'd appreciate it if you guys would stop making jokes about jazz hands. It's a debilitating disease I have to live with where my hands involuntarily wave in the air when a zippy song comes on the radio.
What do politicians and porn stars have most in common? They're experts at switching positions in front of camera.
ME: True heroes are selfless. They do what's right and don't expect any credit. ALSO ME: My little brother should pay me a monthly gratuity for the rest of my life to thank me for teaching him about good music.
What borders on insanity? Canada and Mexico....
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something. So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"
They never prepare you in prenatal class for how weird looking your baby is going to be
Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?" I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
Mechanic: you need a new carburetor Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I'm like you
Today I shocked the hell out of the mailman by opening the door completely naked. I'm not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.
Does black Santa come down the chimney and steal all of the children's presents? Of course he fucking does.
How many dead whores does it take to change a light bulb? More than three, I still can't reach it.
Lifehack: Protect yourself from identity theft by being a loser with bad credit and no money
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest will blow you.
Ali Yeganeh, the inspiration for the "Soup Nazi," didn't like the Seinfeld character based on him. When Jerry Seinfeld went to his restaurant a few years after the episode aired, Seinfeld sarcastically apologized to him. Yeganeh shouted, "no soup for you" and kicked him out.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set, so I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My 6 yr old just asked if I'm a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
What do you call your Mexican crush? Juan Andonle
If ISIS would really like the world to take notice of their intentions, they should just kill a Giraffe.
What do you call a group of homosexual lions? gay pride
The most fucked up thing is that if humanity just lived by the first line of Ice Ice Baby most of our problems would be fixed.
My wife said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me." I said, "It's a fucking scarf."
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
There's a lot of abuse for overweight Americans on Twitter, it's not fair most of them suffer from an over active knife and fork and have a lot on their plates. You thought I was going to say thyroid didn't you. Cunt.
Decapitating Vamps and taking names. That's how we do!!! Supernatura I Vamps Suck
Me: how often do you feed the hippos? Zookeeper: several times a day Me: What kind of marbles do they eat? Zookeeper: white ones Me: nice
Being the funniest person on Facebook is like being the fastest runner at the paralympics. You win, but you're still retarded.
A man goes to his male doctor after several STD tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!" The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"
What do you call a cowshed in Arabic? A Mubarak
My toothpaste says it guarantees whiteness within two weeks.. Yet after two weeks I'm still asian
The bad news is my wife is pregnant and overdue and the baby won't come out. The good news is having sex can induce labour. I just have to say like this kid already. He's not even born yet and already wingmaning for me.
MOM CAT TO HER KITTENS: I will protect you from everything. I love you more than I can possibly express. MOM CAT TO HER KITTENS AFTER THEY'VE BECOME ADULTS AND ARE REUNITED WITH HER: I don't know who the hell you are, but you come here again and I'll claw your faces off.
What do black people and Apple Inc. have in common? They have no jobs
How do they separate the Men from the Boys in the Navy? With a crowbar. h
How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house.
History has forgotten the name of the man that invented the "Lazy Susan", but it conveniently still remembers the name of his ex-wife.
Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.
Latest entry in my Gratitude Journal: "The Altoids people didn't go into the suppository business."
Pretty typical that a female Asian drove Reddit into a ditch, and now a white man has to dig it out.
god: [watching my life] oh this guy's definitely getting into heaven me: [waves goodbye to my poop as i flush] god: wait
What the difference between Anne Frank and a mouse? A mouse doesn't become famous for living in your attic.
What do you call a broken can opener A can't opener
What question would confuse a transsexual who used to be a woman? "Have you ever been abroad?"
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I bought my wife some gloves and a sex toy for her birthday if she doesn't like the gloves she can go f*ck herself
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout "Heroes in a half shell." 3) When a girl yells back "Turtle Power," marry her.
My wife used to get so fat that she had to go to the hospital; then a person would fall out of her. That doesn't sound normal.
The airport lady at passport control saw I was American & warned me there were no McDonald's past security. I feel very profiled & grateful.
The April showers brought May flowers. *I light a cigarette* I don't know why we didn't see those June bees coming.
How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.
What do you call a deaf person who can't lip read? Anything you want!
The best way to understand what it's like to be Canadian is to walk a kilometre in their snowshoes.
My wife had to buy some new bras, so I guess we'll be remortgaging our house again.
You know what political issue is black and white? Race relations.
I was at the checkout line at the grocery store. The lady asked me if I wanted to make a donation to Childrens Hospital. I said, "Sure, I think I have a couple I could do without. When can I drop them off?"
How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating? If she's only wearing one sock.
My girlfriend is like my bank account Only there for the money
Why is nostalgia like grammar? We find the present tense and the past perfect.
What did the nurse who knocked on the pregnant lady's door say? Womb Service!
Some people send out nude photos like it's no big deal. I'm reluctant to send one of just my face.
They call them 'beer gardens' because 'people drinking in a parking lot' doesn't sound as classy
They should make brownies that look like joints but contain no marijuana.
I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He cried. Then he hugged me and my brother.
A Wizard walks into a gay bar, and disappears with a poof.
Where do Muslim hipsters shop for clothes? Turban Outfitters!
Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery, don't panic. Me: But my name isn't David. Doctor: I know. I'm David.
I spent an hour thinking about it and I've decided that the coldest insult is calling someone 'the Dasani of people'
Do girls in Asia get tattoos in English on their backs?
What`s the difference between chinese people and racism? Racism has many faces
Why do all the conspiracy theories have to be so negative? It'd be nice if one said 'the government is using this time to plan a huge surprise keg party for everyone where we all get a million dollars' so we could all rally behind it.
Where does a catholic cat go when it dies? Purrrgatory.
What do black people do after sex? 15 to life
I heard writing described as "mining for diamonds" but for me it's more like the scene where Uma Thurman punches her way out of a coffin.
What did the ghost give his girlfriend on Halloween? A "booquet" of flower.
If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world... Then Who is.
Why are the best bellydancers all Arabs? Because they can sheik it.
If you think George R. R. Martin books are long, you should try reading a text from my mom
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed When we broke up she went fucking bananas
thomas edison: [invents lightbulb] moth: i'm gonna hump that until i die
To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing" Have you ever considered being more interesting?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, "Are you taking a video?"
tsa agent: you're gonna have to step out of line me: [opens medieval helmet visor] no
How do you know if an Italian person is mute? When you see he has no hands.
The muslim kid I went to school with was always notoriously late for everything... We called him 9/12.
ME, TRYING TO REMEMBER MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY: I wanna say the middle of April. Maybe June. Possibly August. ME, THINKING ABOUT THE FIRST TIME I ATE A SNICKERDOODLE: October 8th, 1996. 3:42 pm. The steely blue sky and crisp autumn air heralded winter's imminent arrival...
The other day, my friend told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
Q: Why did the lady and her attorney seek a scarlet frock as part of a settlement? A: Because she wanted a red dress for her grievances.
I like my puns like I like my sausages. The wurst ones are the best.
i even said 'it's not my birthday' and these aunties still out here like 'happy birthday ma!'
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
What is a Cell? something you keep black people in
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in there.
I'm going to start a podcast, mainly because I think it would be great to have more people besides wife and kids who don't listen to me.
Netflix is a pretty rich company considering 90% of the people reading this watch Netflix on someone else's Netflix.
lawyer: it says here that the killer only spoke in outdated memes me: [nodding] lawyer: so would you please state your name for the record me: [sweating] my name jeff
What did one earthquake say to the other? Hey, it's not my fault.
[bedroom, wife and I are about to go to sleep] Wife: Ugh. The lights. Can you flip them off? Me: Sure. *continues lying there and gives lights the finger*
PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.50 ME: I can't afford that PIZZA GUY: Well you'll have to pay some other way. ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. PORN DIRECTOR: Cut! What the fuck are you doing?
A policeman knocked on the door and said, "It looks like your wife has been in an accident..." I said "Yes but she has a great personality!"
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they'll spell it.
My wife asked me to give her some peace and quiet last night whilst she made dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Why was the Jewish man so defensive about his beer? Because Hebrewed it.
I bet some astronomers can't tell black holes apart because they're racists.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
Sure fire way to get out of jury duty: answer all questions with Austin Powers' 'Oh behave!'
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up? It's all over town.
I like how Werther's thought it was necessary specify their candies are the originals, as if other companies were copying their disgusting old person candies.
Old people, when you say "the good ol' days," do you mean during the draft, or when black people had separate bathrooms?
What do ISIS want for Christmas? Turkey, apparently.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 50 million has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you know that Princess Diana was on her cell phone when she died? She was also on the dashboard, the windscreen, the roadside...
The signs of spring are here - the warmer weather, the green grass, me at 5am yelling 'shut up, birds!' from my bedroom window... gotta love this time of year.
It's too easy to read about politics these days. I miss the days where you had to decide if reading about it was worth the trip up to the roof to retrieve your newspaper.
Advice is the only commodity where the supply always exceeds the demand.
I met this amazing girl while speed dating. We stayed up all night and day just talking and giggling and I guess speed will do that to you.
Protip: When making snow angels, remember to lay down first... otherwise you end up looking like you're just doing jumping jacks.
I don't need alcohol to have an angry unpredictable time.
The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
If caitlyn Jenner goes missing Do they put her photo on the back of a bottle of tranny fluid
Why did the blind kid fail geometry? He didnt see the point.
Australians don't have sex... Australians mate. haha
Why do the french have so many civil wars? Because they like to win one every now and then
Yo mama so fat.. I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she's left. She obviously wasn't blind at all.
FUN FACT for you movie buffs, the original title for Star Wars: A New Hope was Space Squabble: A Fresh Dollop of Good Vibes.
When is International Men-Frequently-Mistaken-For-Women Day?
What is the most popular type of tree in California? Ash.
What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig
A dad is given bad news by a doctor Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy. I just don't see it.
Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies? Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable
A detail lost in the story of Jesus: how frequently, and early in the day he began turning water into wine.
I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar Almost made me puma pants.
me: i am a human being, earth's dominant species, and i will not be- wasp: fuck off me: ok
Why are Jews so bad at maths? Cause they can never find the final solution
My grandmother died and left me a tomato. I shouldn't have asked for any heirlooms. rofl
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. Now we call him Dr Awkward.
When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.
Doctors treating Nelson Mandela say his condition has 'improved'. So he's white now?
Did you hear about the Indian who drank 4 gallons of tea? They found him dead the next day in his tea pee.
*Describing a mountain to someone who's never seen one* Pal: you don't explain things well let me do it Me: imagine the opposite of a hole
What do Mexican Zombies eat? Re-fried brains.
We swallow 8 spiders in our sleep every year, so can anyone REALLY say they're a vegan?
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed? Everybody.
My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard. Personally I'm on the fence.
Abdul, my neighbour was crying... "What's wrong?" I asked. "We lost our baby daughter, cot death" he replied. "Oh dear, that's so sad, never mind Abdul" I said, "just think of her as another virgin in paradise for your brave soldiers now"
A disabled woman's guide dog has just shit all over the footpath near my house. So I've done the responsible thing and proceeded to video her whilst she struggles to clean it up.
They never tell you what you're supposed to do with your tongue when you're at the dentist. How was I supposed to know licking his fingers would make it awkward
Halloween gives us something the movies never could - drunk Iron Man puking on the curb.
Got insomnia? My trick for falling asleep is to let my wife pick the movie and I'm out in less than 5 mins.
How are babies different from feminists? Babies grow up and stop crying.
What do you get when you watch 'Cinderella' backwards? A woman in her place...
A lesbian tried to hit on me today, so I let her know that I was straight. She told me, "Spaghetti is straight too, till it gets wet"
driving instructor: don't hit the orange cones orange cone: yeah you bitch baby. lil baby bitch driving instructor: [holding me back] he's not worth it man don't
Life consists of avoiding people you have seen naked whilst trying to find new people to see naked!
*writes inspirational post about not letting the behaviour of others determine your happiness *gets upset when no one retweets it
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaay
I was in the pub with the missus last night, and I said, "I love you." She said, " Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied, "It's me, talking to the beer"...
The only thing I don't love about those 'Medieval Times' restaurants is how you die at age 30.
If beans are the musical fruit, then cauliflower is the quiet kid with no obvious ambitions and a strange odor.
What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7, or 11 ounce portions? Prime rib.
We were all talking about our favorite holidays so I said 'Onion Day' and everybody just stared at me blankly. I don't know how much longer I can take this big city life. I miss the farm. I miss my onnies.
I'm not wearing glasses anymore. I've seen enough.
Hopefully no one ever sees those shorts I was actually wearing. Too Short 4 Dean Wheres The Beer Baby
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I'd like whipped cream on it.
If an Islamic man is murdered, what do you call it? A Muhommid-cide.
What do a prostitute and a plumber have in common? They both service the john.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there"
You would think that a Snail without a shell would move that bit faster? But it's actually more sluggish.
Why don't blind men go skydiving? Because it scares the shit out of the dog!
No more Unsolved Mysteries before bed.
A Mexican once tried to steal my golf clubs.. so I had to shoot a hole-in-juan.
What do you call a black guy with Parkinson's? A chocolate shake.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line.
If you got bladder problems... Urine trouble.
I've learned a lot from movies. Like how in the 1970s if you wanted to develop a picture you had to turn on a red light and put a piece of paper in a tub of juice.
I like how you're allowed to have 100 cows, but if you have 20 cats people think you're weird. Double standard.
Sorry, Babe, it's over. *I get on my motorcycle but I can't get it to start so I use my feet to scoot away*
What is it called when one butt cheek is bigger than the other? Assymmetrical.
Don't you just hate that situation when you're picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone's luggage is better than yours. Worse case scenario.
I’m calling gentle bullshit on these long lists of books everyone read this year
*We hear children singing* CHILDREN: Row row row your boat ME: Cute CHILDREN: [slowing down] Gently down the stream ME: Bit creepy now CHILDREN: [getting British] Merrily merrily merrily merrily ME: Oh no CHILDREN: [crackly like a gramophone] Life is but a dream ME: Run!!
Remember collect calls y'all?'Heard you walkin around town in your drawers' made me ˜‚Love Is
A black guy broke into my house last night, luckily the only thing he got away with 3 of my bullets in the back of his head.
Twitter always says I should follow celebrities, but I wonder if it ever suggests they follow me, like "here, follow this random ugly guy"
How Do U Kill A Retard? Give him a knife and say "who's special?"
John F. Kennedy's brain has been missing for 55 years.
I can't decide on a satanic card game to play. Oh well, better the devil Uno.
My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now." Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born?" "No" I replied. "I've got his girlfriend pregnant."
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.
What do you call a bunch of crows inside a tent? Murder within tent.
I'm in a very serious relationship with my girlfriend. Haven't laughed in two years.
Where can Sihks and Muslims buy headwear? Turban Outfitters.
What is the only thing on earth that goes "ha ha" on a Monday? A bit late, but.... A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.
What do you call a Chinese conga line? A Chu Chu train
[first day as an exorcist] Boss exorcist: How's it going? Me: Really well! Have a look for yourself... *sees demons running on treadmills and lifting weights* Boss exorcist: I think you misunderstood what I meant by exorcise the demons
customer: i'd like to return this boomerang me: oh it does that for you
I wiped out on my motorbike. The bad news is I was severely injured. The good news is the jeans I was wearing are now distressed and look very trendy.
If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it. It's still fowl language.
ME: Why don't you guys want to hang out anymore? FRIEND: Well ever since you got that thesaurus... ME: Is it my perspicacity? My panache?
What do black people and Batman have in common? Neither one of them get dadjokes
My obese parrot died It was a real weight off of my shoulder
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home...so I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
me: where do you want to eat her: olive garden me: i love gardens too but we need to figure out where to eat
Did you know the pope really loves cats? He's a real catholic.
What's the first sign of AIDS? A pounding sensation in the ass.
Why don't vampires bet on horses? They can't handle the stakes.
How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey? One, but you really have to squeeze him in! Happy Thanksgiving 2018
Sometimes I can't tell if I'm looking at a captcha or a text from my mom.
Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world. Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything? Netflix: no
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy? A constellation prize.
Football is like Sex your mom sucks at both
I finally found a girl with the same beliefs as my family She believes I'll amount to nothing as well.
Today, I overslept and completely missed my 2nd nap.
The best part of having a good travel mug is how even 2 hours later I can still burn my mouth on hot coffee.
Why are there no black astronauts... Is there any cotton on the moon?
I'm giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out completely wrong. I'm giving up. Drinking for a month!!
A girl at the restaurant was about to eat her food before I stood up & yelled "STOP. THIS IS NOT THE THIRD WORLD LADY. INSTAGRAM IT FIRST"
Raw meat used to make me sick. But now I'm cured.
What's the difference between magic and black magic? Black magic doesn't work.
I live for that sexy time of night where my wife and I get in bed together and argue about who is more exhausted
What did Barack say to Michele when he asked her to marry him? I don't wanna be Obama self.
The only tan I'm getting this summer is a caftan!* *Excerpted from my Golden Girls spec script.
Nancy Grace just called pot smokers "fat and lazy". Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o'clock on a Monday watching your show.
Stephen Hawking believes he's solved a huge mystery about black holes ...and he'll keep believing as long as we all play along, ok? He's adorable.
Why don't they have sex ed and drivers ed on the same day in the middle east? There are never enough camels to go around.
A young woman visits the doctor and sits in the examination room after a series of tests. The doctor finally walks in and says, "Well, it looks like you're pregnant." The woman replies, "Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!" The doctor says, "No, it just looks like you are."
Two Chinese dudes break into a distillery. One says to the other 'is this Whiskey?' The other says 'yes but not as Whiskey as wobbing a bank'
I am officially 'one order of gravy fries can instantly undo six months of diet and exercise' years old.
The Roomba's battery died when it was only half done cleaning the house and I've never related more to a machine in my life
I want to live in a society where it's ethically and morally acceptable to eat dessert after breakfast.
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says 'What an interesting pet, whats his name?' 'Tiny' the man replies. 'What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?' Because...he's my newt.
My cousin is so poor.... that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.
I hate when people say "women should stay in the kitchen" ...how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special
My son just came home from robotics camp. At least, I think that's him.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction.
A man and a woman walk into an elevator The man asks the woman, can I smell your feet? The woman looks at him with disgust and says no. The man says, it must be your vagina then.
Cremation isn't free. You gotta urn it.
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters. My daughter Chewbacca not so much.
Why did the slave go to college? So he could pickup his Master's degree.
Hollywood are going to make a film about a black cocaine dealer. It's called "Chocolate and the Charlie Factory"
What is muffins spelled backwards? Exactly what you do when you take them out the oven.
Tired of having to exert yourself by unrolling your own toilet paper? Want it pre-unrolled when you get to the bathroom? Having a toddler may be right for you.
What do transsexuals run on? Gender fluid.
Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn't overly dependent on her. Lady: These are 4th graders- Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS
Nothing more soul-crushing than making the salad for your big holiday meal. Endless cutting boards and washing and de-seeding and coring vegetables and then at the actual dinner it’s ignored completely
Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35? A: Because 36 would be too many.
My girlfriend treats me like God. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
What do you call a family of Jewish robots? The Cybergs
When my girlfriend and I decided to make it official, I told her: I have to tell you, before we met, I was... well...promiscuous. Oh cool she exclaimed. I love Greek mythology.
Why do white people rely on asians so much? Because without them, they'd just be cauc.
I don't think enough women know what day is International Women's Day. I guess they don't put enough posters up in the kitchens.
What do you call an emo a capella group? Self Harmony
People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it. I've never had a beef with one.
ME: So... you ever riddled a door? LOCKSMITH: What? ME: Like, there's a riddle, and if the person guesses the answer the door opens. LOCKSMITH: [Really loud] No that's crazy! *He silently ushers me into his truck and turns up the radio so we can have a private conversation*
We kiss in the doorway, she pulls me close, hoping I'll stay. Her face hardens as she feels all the cans of soup I stole and hid in my coat.
I tell myself I'm nothing like my father but earlier today I incredulously muttered '$400 for a Nintendo?!?'
How much do all the bones in the human body weigh? A Skele-Ton. corny
English and American spellings England: colour America: color England: humour America: humor England: flavour America: flavor England: What the hell are you doing? America: Getting rid of u
With gay marriage being legal now does that mean we don't have to call them butt buddies anymore? Good because that was a pain in the ass.
What do you call when a female physicist decides to try dating women for a change? The double slit experiment.
I signed up for my company's 401k, but I don't think I can run that far.
It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.
What's the difference between Iceland and Ireland? A consonant.
I walked back into the house this morning and said, "I'm sorry for walking out on you. I love you and will never leave you again" My wife shouted down from upstairs, "Who the fuck are you talking to?" I said, "Erm... No one, I just forgot my Phone"
What does a catholic eat at the movies? Pope-Corn
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a rabbi walk into a bar And the rabbi says, "Hey, wait a minute... I think I'm in the wrong joke."
"You don't open up bras very often do you?" she asked me.... "No" I replied, "What gave it away?" "The scissors..."
EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I have finally created the greatest hunter of them all. *I place a very small bell on the cat's collar* EVOLUTION: No! Stop! You're ruining it!!!
The Royal Baby was born today. I bet there was a fight in the delivery room over which doctor got to yell "SHE'S CROWNING!!"
Last time when I was someone's type.. I was donating blood.
A Midget Walked Past Me On The Sidewalk Today Wearing A Shirt That Said "I Hate Black People" ...I thought to myself "Well damn- thats a little racist.
Damn girl, are you a 48-pack of frozen corn dogs? Because I thought it would last forever.
How do you call the social media that your grandmother uses? Instagran
I told my psychiatrist I felt like a dog. He told me to get off the couch.
I was flattered when I heard they made a movie all about my hair. It's called 50 shades of gray.
Weird situation based questions are great openers for approaching and starting conversations. Try asking where the train station is the next time you see a woman who catches your eye at the supermarket.
I asked the genie to make my teeth whiter. The bastard turned me into a coon.
Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She's not sick, I just think she could get better
I sometimes personify inanimate objects. I wonder about the bashful new coffee cup in a shelf full of old timers. Or the sad sock worried about his partner who’s gone missing. That’s ok right?
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up... They'd be alloys.
We get it. You're Muslim. You don't have to Ramadan our throats.
I won the "Most Secretive Guy" award in our office today. I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
The bad news: 22 million people will lose health coverage under the Senate's plan. The good news: Karen Pence's 20,000 bees are covered.
What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth. I have an uncle, once removed.
ROOMMATE: You excited for Karaoke tonight? I angrily glare at him as I sip a mug of warm lemon water. He knows I need to rest my instrument.
My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
What does a lesbian couple do for fun while they're having their periods? Fingerpaint!
Making Asian food is easy... It's a WOK in the park
You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water? In Flint, they ask you, "Regular or Unleaded?"
You shouldn't bully someone in a wheelchair - they can't stand up for themselves.
Manager: "Why would you make a good waiter at my restaurant?" Me: 'I bring a lot to the table.'
Why is there cotton on top of the pills inside a pill bottle? To remind black people they picked cotton before they sold drugs.
happy monday all. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend...and that today is filled with dry mouth and regret because of it.
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. He fell.
What's worse than a paper titty? A cardboard box
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late... ...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
What's the most groundbreaking invention of all time? The shovel.
What happened to the turkey that got in a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
60% of African American girls agree to giving me a blowjob I guess you could call it a 3/5's compromise
An old lady's beloved pair of pet rabbits died So she took them to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked her "would you like them mounted?" "No" she replied, "just holding hands."
I've just been on the Diabetes Awareness Website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question??
Where we live, we have the quietest neighbours. Then again, we do live next to a cemetery. ROFL
I once dated a girl with a twin People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and bob had a cock
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg? You get laid only once.
My wife is "like a plunger" when she gets drunk. She likes to bring up old shit.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction So I packed up my stuff and right
Hairdressers are not as good as they used to be. In the old days, barbers were that confident they had given you a good haircut, they would also sell condoms.
Why does Beyonce say "To the left, to the left"? Because black people have no rights. sorry
How do Vikings send secret messages? Norse code.
As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.
The most exciting part of my day is when I scare myself by accidentally turning the garbage disposal on.
Fortune Nookie. Classic
I cannot believe that in this day and age that wearing underwear in the garden would offend so many people. Admittedly it wasn't my garden... or my underwear.
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside? So he walks out the front door then comes back in and says: 'both'.
I'd rather be a samurai than a ninja. You can be a badass samurai well into your 50s, but your career as a ninja is over the minute you hit your mid 30s and your bones start cracking when you walk
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
Why wasn't Cinderella allowed to play soccer? Because she kept running away from the ball.
You gotta hand it to short people because they can't reach it
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius... ...but his brother Frank was a monster.
My wife complained that my life revolving around social media has destroyed the way we communicate as a family... So I blocked her on my Facebook page.
I don't believe in limits' is a less inspiring creed when shouted shirtless to a highway patrolman who's just pulled you over.
A falcon goes into a restaurant and runs into his ex-girlfriend thats on a date. The falcon says "well, this is Hawk-ward"
Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, but yet so few people are actually strong enough to hold it
What do scientists and vegetables have in common? Stephen Hawking sorry
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
I picked up a girl at a bar. She told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt... So I screwed her three times and hit her with a brick.
What do you call a Christian who visits shrines? A roamin' Catholic. ROFL
I spent 8 years in an institution. Then I got a divorce.
They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently I ruined that funeral.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
Instead of 'Buyer beware,' how about 'Seller don't be a dick'?
I never thought I'd say this, but can we stop arguing about politics on Facebook and go back to trying to convince each other how great our lives are?
Why are fat babies born earlier? They are running out of womb.
interviewer: i think that's it, do you have any questions for me me: do you think i could kick bob the builder's ass
This is the THIRD time I've found Jeff Goldblum in a box of Kellogg's Raisin Bran.
The most unrealistic part of action movies is where the hero puts his kids to bed and they go to sleep right away.
I hate to get political on here, but if they're the Super Mario Bros, then isn't Mario their last name? So it's Mario Mario and Luigi Mario? Anyway, end farm subsidies.
How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They can shower in the dark.
I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have 'lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys.
My girlfriend asked if I was Happy to be fair, she always gets us dwarves confused
I've just written a script for a film I titled 'American Schools'. Shooting will probably start this week.
I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?
me: [rushing to a flipped over car] oh my god are you okay white girl: save-[cough] save the ukelele
An alligator decided to have unprotected sex. Now he has Gatorades.
A half hour visit from my 2 toddlers will do more damage to your house than inviting over 35 drunk strangers.
Watching sports desk, a pro sports team signed a player for barely a million dollars a season Me: hah, what a loser Also me: eating macaroni and cheese because meat is too expensive
What do you call black men working while white men watch? The NBA
When a woman says... "we need to talk" Why is it never about football?
My wife is like a treasure You'll need an accurate map and a fucking shovel to find her.
If I started a band called 'Ceiling'... Would that make people who enjoy my music 'Ceiling fans?'
It's been proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop tits around the age of 13, boys around the age of 40
Why do people think memory foam is so great? It forgets what you look like after like 10 seconds. That's almost as bad as a goldfish
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
Trying to binge-watch all of the Geico commercials. I'm up to season 117.
My girlfriend just said, "Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I've packed your bags." I think she's kicking meeeowt.
They have Equestrian in the summer olympics. I'd like to see some events with horses during the Winter Olympics. Horses on skis, horses on ice skates, the 2 horse luge.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the Y becomes silent.
Since the word "brink" gets a raw deal, I'm going to use it in a positive way: I am on the brink of eating a nice fruit salad.
I don't mean to brag about how awesome I am at satisfying my wife, but I unloaded the dishwasher twice today.
*Party at M.C Escher's house* ME: Where's the bathroom? ESCHER: [giggling and glancing at his more established friends] Top of the stairs.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, "you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND." Cause he needs to know I'm angry, yet progressive.
I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS... THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.
My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to crash in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free... This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter... Which sucks because he had a great fall
I'm leaving for two week and willl not have any internet service. Get me too 1000 followers by the next two weeks and ill save relationships
Car dealership: Check out our employee pricing on these cars Me (looking at price): Wow, seems like your employees are getting ripped off
Why does all Turkish men have a mustache? because they wanna look like their mother.
In the first few days after birth, some whales can be the size of a 19 year-old anorexic girl. Which is always a fun fact to tell them.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with "Sorry, I'm driving." It's been a few days. I'm guessing he's probably made it to Mexico by now.
How does a woman go about inventing something? She gives birth to a boy.
Misspell one word and the whole text is urined
Did you hear that AIDS isn't spread by a virus? Yeah! It's spread by a fungi!!
What do you call a cow with no sense of humor ? A feminist
Why do so many gay men have mustaches? To hide the stretch marks.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(
i like it when restaurants put a toothpick in their sandwiches because then i know it's dead
What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror? Halloumi.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren't a good way to describe emotions
Did you hear about the girl who hid drugs in her bra ? People said it led to a bigger bust.
Alcoholism doesn't run in my family, but workoholism does... that's why I try to avoid work as much as possible so I don't get addicted.
Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.
Look, this is the only body I'll ever have and that is why I'm covering it in a thick layer of fat to protect it.
Just found out Empire Strikes Back was released 40 years ago today. And...I’m officially ancient.
Kim Petras on Sept 30th: woo ah! Kim Petras on Oct 1st: boo ah!
Phones are so expensive nowadays when you fall and hear a crack you hope it's your leg.
Me: (opening bottle of coke) I love you Coca-Cola. You're not like my wife, you don't tell me to be quiet Bottle of Coke: Shhhhhh Me: Oh no
Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung. Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife
Why is the hipster sweating? Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.
I'M NOT DOING YOUR JOB FOR YOU!' ~me yelling at the lead singer of a band when he points the mic at the audience
At McDonalds Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn't be feeding them this crap
They say the Verizon guy switched to Sprint but if you watch the commercial he mouths the words: 'Verizon, I'm sorry, they have my family.'
Q: What county in Ireland hates "South Park?" A: Killkenny.
A disadvantage of being gay is that you never get to see the grateful stare of a women you've just released.
What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland? "Everyone got seat belts on back there?"
My uncle was crushed by a piano.... His funeral was very low key.
My sex change from male to female went really well. It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the fucking hospital car park!
Why do fish always sing off key? You can't tuna fish.
Fuck the Japanese. The only yellow people I trust are the Simpsons.
What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion? A corpse.
My daughter lost her first tooth today I bet she won't touch my video games again!
What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler.
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.
I get the king having his men try to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, but he also had all his horses working on it too. What kind of drunk king is this? Horses are terrible at arts and crafts.
An Indian diabetic wasn't following his diet... You could say that he was naan-compliant.
What's the fastest way to massacre snails? A salt rifle
Eid celebrations to go virtual as US Muslims urged to stay at home. They'll have to make do with a hit-and-run rampage on GTA 5 this year.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication It's for Hispanic attacks
My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy. At least that's what she said in her diary.
The secret to a good BLT (Big Laugh Tweet) is misdirectionnaise.
When I cook, I only use the freshest herbs and vegetables to f*** up the recipe.
I love raising caterpillars as pets. It always gives me butterflies.
Women are like condoms They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Stove Top Stuffing is my favorite side-dish that sounds like a Midwestern porn video.
I sat next to a fat girl on the train today and I said... "You're a big girl!" She replied... "Tell me something I don't know." I said... "Salad tastes nice"
The secret to successfully keeping up with the Joneses is to know a family of Joneses who are broke losers
If I'd been around in France when Marie Antoinette said "let them eat cake," I would've been like "wait a minute, let's hear this lady out."
I feel bad for Kim-Jong Un It's hard being the fat kid in high school, so it must be really difficult being the only fat kid in the country.
A buddy said to me, "Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?" I said, "Go on, then." He shouted, "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" I said, "That's Superman." He said, "Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot."
My wife and I are just going to have a quiet night at home for New Year's Eve. Translation: My wife and I didn't get invited to any parties for New Year's Eve.
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees. They're being used in a sting operation.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don't Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
Me: What are my chances doc? Doctor: The surgery is fairly routine, but there's a catch -- you won't be able to drink alcohol for a full year. Me: Let me die.
Tell people you have a peanut allergy so that when you get tired of talking to them you can eat some peanuts and pretend to be dead
Wife: "Can you pick up milk?" Me: lifts gallon "Yeah, it's easy." Wife: "I mean from the store." Me: "I think it weighs the same there too"
Where did Santa meet his wife? Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses
What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a pedophile? Alien vs Predator
[first date] Her: I like older men who are youthful in the bedroom. Me: (trying to impress) I'm almost 40 and my favorite position in bed is the fetal position.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Sometimes if I wanna get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with "I'm not racist, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." And they say, "that wasn't racist at all." And I say, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."
why do JEWS have big noses ? air is free
When is the question also the answer? "Who gives a fuck?"
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things interviewer: like what? me: time and care interviewer: oh haha me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Tell me more about these male enhancement pills... Will they help me chop wood better? How about pelts? Will I know how to make pelts?
What do call forty lesbians in a tree A CUNTREE
Neil deGrasse Tyson: The effects of altering the Space-time continuum are unknowable. Me: I hate watching 'It's A Wonderful Life' with you.
As an Queer parent, what's the best way to come out to your teenage children? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts
What's the difference between America and yoghurt? If you leave yoghurt alone for long enough it develops its own culture
What do you call a T-Rex with a bomb strapped to it's chest? Dinomite.
I don't dye my hair because I want to look younger... I do it because my grey hair gives the false impression I have maturity and wisdom, and I don't like lying to people.
My favorite thing to do on Halloween is walk through the burn unit at the hospital and congratulate everyone on their Freddy Kruger costumes.
me: usain bolt's olympic records are an inspiration to black kids everywhere guy: why do we have to make it about race me: because he runs really fast
Why is the number of black priests so small? Most of them run away after being called father once or twice
Reading a Chinese newspaper is like looking at 1,000 douchebag tattoos at once.
Woke up feeling super cute. Maybe I'll take some selfies. Idk. Bleh. I'm so corky. Teehee.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
What's the difference between a Mexican and a bench? The bench can support a family of four.
Why was the math teacher late for school? He took the rhombus
I wish I could see what it was like to be fat for just one day. I'm tired of being fat every day.
herman melville: i've finally finished my novel, moby penis editor: can we talk about the title herman melville: it's now moby dick and if i hear one more word it will be moby cock
I asked my girlfriend to buy me some Japanese food. ... sushi did.
Pray like there's no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, pray some more
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I never thought I'd say "I love you" to another man, but it just kinda came out when the guy at the drive through window handed me my food.
Asian friends, what’s the best brand of frozen pot stickers! If you find this racially reductive I have no problem recommending good frozen samosas!
Did you hear about the newly sponsored gay NASCAR team? Its always in the rear of the field.
I got in last night and asked the wife what was for dinner. "Chinese" she said. "Ok" I replied, bowing. "Harrow pretty raydy. Preese ret me know what we eat tonigh?"
My wife said she saw a bowtie made from solid mahogany. She said she nearly bought it for me but she didn't think I would wear it. I replied "Wooden tie?"
Hey all you "FanFic" writers out there...that look into the camera wasn't scripted. Just sayin. Wink Wink 200thEpisode
Why do black people put their garbage in clear trash bags? So the Mexicans can window shop.
I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote." Jokes in them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.
The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband. They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.
Mocked for being dyslexic? Been there, done that, got the tree shit.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal. China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.
Double standards are the worst. I mean, if a girl sleeps with lots of guys, she's considered a slut. But when a guy does it, he's considered a homosexual.
The Peanuts Halloween special is adorable, right up until the point when the Great Pumpkin orders Linus to kill.
What do Irish feminists call men? O'Pressors
When I was little, my parents always fed me alphabet soup, claiming that I liked it, but they were just... ...putting words in my mouth.
me: [waking up] what happened doctor: i'm so sorry, you've been in a coma since 2006 me: [crying tears of joy] you mean doctor: that's right there are only 2 shrek movies
There's a German shepherd next door who keeps burying under my fence and shitting in the flower bed His dog is just as bad
Fruit roll ups I went to the supermarket and asked a clerk if they had fruit roll ups, he then called his gay manager to hug me.
My wife said last night: "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game." Unfortunately, this cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
The last door of a really good Advent calendar holds insulin.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I threw a party for people who can't ejaculate. Nobody came.
BREAKING NEWS: "Man eaten by shark on honeymoon" Lucky escape if you ask me...
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods. But it's harder to deter gents.
I met a feminist in the bar, and she told me about the Dwayne Johnson rule. I should only say things to her that I would be comfortable saying to Dwayne Johnson. That sounded like a good rule, so I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."
How do Jews fight? With JewJitsu
Got the best compliment from my doctor today He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
Your mama's so fat We are all genuinely concerned about her health.
How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? Easy, one will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
I started reading that Norwegian Air is ending all flights to Ireland but the headline was becoming so white I had to stop reading from the glare.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage? me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they'd have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Why do Indians hate snow? It's white and it's on their land.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint. He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.
What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer? One sells watches while the other watches cells.
 Paddy's wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.On arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?"To which paddy relies,"Oh Jaysus we"re both over the fucking moon!!
In many U.S. States offenders receive a harsher penalty for hitting a dog than they do for hitting a woman. That's outrageous either way you're slapping a bitch
As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five...but he left me hanging.
How long does it take for a black woman to poop? Nine months.
I was walking down the street in New York when a black man came up to me and asked, "Did the Yankees win?" I said, "Yeah dude, you're free!"
The other day my dad said 'I love you like a son' which, once you run it through the dad emotional de-encryption machine, is actually pretty nice.
Mob Boss: I just found out someone in our crew is an undercover cop. He's not even really Italian Vito Spaghetti: mama mia no way
My Vietnamese friends just got married. They have the same common last name, so neither of them needed to change anything. You could say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.
I don't need to buy anything on Black Friday, I just want to get in a fistfight at Bed Bath and Beyond to feel alive.
So a woman shot up Youtube Headquarters, fired 20 shots and only injured 4 people.... ....looks like mass shootings are another thing to add to the list of things that men are better than women at.
When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.... I was shocked.
I throw up whenever i hear a joke. It's a gag reflex.
A homeless lady agreed to let me take her home I don't understand why she got pissed when I loaded the cardboard box in my pickup truck.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common? The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.
If you don't practice what you preach, that doesn't make you a hypocrite, as long as what you preach is hypocrisy.
They are re-releasing Avengers: Endgame with extra footage of Disney executives swimming in money.
Looking to improve your time management skills? Falling down the stairs is a lot faster than walking down them, saving you precious seconds every trip (literally).
Twitter is now 99% super angry people. That's all you see is angry people. I liked it a lot better ten years ago when only 97% of the people on here were angry.
Did you hear about the depressed plumber? He's been going through some shit
I know all the days of the week are supposed to seem the same under quarantine, but somehow Saturday and Sunday still feel like the weekend to me. And I hate weekends.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves... ...but I don't like to point fingers.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? One stops sucking when you slap it and the other is a blonde.
A German man and woman are having sex, and an American walks in... The American shouts "Gross!" and turns away. The German man looks toward him and smiles, saying "Danke!"
When the waiter comes around to ask if I have any questions about the menu, my favorite one to ask is "what kind of paper is it made from?"
Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market. Oh the irony.
In 2017, police in the German city of Frankfurt found car belonging to a 76-year-old man who had forgotten where he parked it... 20 years earlier.
My mom recently bought a Jesus shaped flashlight When I asked her why she said: So whenever someone says "I can't see" I can be like "here, let Jesus light the path"
You might be a redneck if someone shouts hoedown and your girlfriend hits the floor.
Wife: Do that sexy thing I like Me: *pays for dinner with a coupon and saves money*
I'm not saying your mom is fat but she'd be worth a lot more in the UK
My wife and I stopped taking vacations after we had kids. Now we take expensive nightmares.
What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet? Egyptian dummies.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common? One dumbass who never pulls out in time
Why there are so many avenues in France? Because german soldiers like to march in the shade
How do Mexican dogs say "hello" when in Japan? Konnichihuahua
Me: I know you from somewhere Jesus: I get that a lot Me: no I'm sure Jesus: just one of those faces Me: [holding arms out] go like this
What did the Mexican princess ask her sister? Tijuana build a snowman?
inventor of glass: let's make one thing clear
columbus: is this india native american: you're india wrong place lol columbus: haha native american: for real tho
I make major decisions about career, life, finances, etc. on a daily basis, but become completely paralyzed choosing where to eat lunch.
What do you call a Mexican dessert that won't sink? Flanboyant
If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we killed the only one with a dream.
What's a fundamentalist Christian's favorite type of car? A convertible.
Life is like soccer because my mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I hate fucking soccer.
"My wife is an angel" "You're lucky pal, my one is still alive"
The real American holiday is July 5th when you can buy a flag at Walmart for 50% off.
The most commonly spoken phrase this week in all homes - "Do you have the Scotch tape?'
What happens when you eat beans with onions? Tear gas!
Husband: "Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?" Wife: "Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce Shall we go out and have a cake'!"
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun ME: This couch has such great lumber support WIFE: See?? THERAPIST: Try to stop ME: Oakey dokey
[blind date] "I'm like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex" -did you just read that off your hand? "Hey! You're not blind!"
What do you call a rude German? A Deutsch bag
I made a company that disguises land mines as prayer mats... Prophets are through the roof
Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand? So she could moan with the other.
What did the disco ball say to the depressed toilet? Don't be a party pooper!
Why are people with no legs terrible at trivia? They're always stumped
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat? She can fit into your wife's clothes
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.
Girl are you a loan offered by a furniture store? Cause you've been giving me zero interest for 3 years
What do u call a greedy lesbian? Bush hog.
Elizabeth Taylor wanted to be late for her own funeral. So they had the coffin arrive 15 minutes after the announced start time.
What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back? Wheeeeeee!
A guy asks his girlfriend make him feel awesome and sad at the same time Girlfriend: Out of all your friends you have the biggest penis
My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk" at breakfast. I accidentally said: "Fuck you Ann you ruined my fucking life"
when she says to go do something, don't really go and do it
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff!
Why are most male squirrels gay? Cuz they love nuts!
Need a gift for the man who has everything? Try giving him a Scornful Look.
*Doctor finishes the exam* "I have bad news. If you box again it will kill you" "I'm so mad I could pun-" *Doctor looks over his glasses*
If three men are arguing about whether to be known as Jews, Israelis, or Hebrews... ...would you say they're just arguing Semitics?
If your name is Pi, and your mom is standing at the top of the stairs yelling '3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286‚ you're about to get in some trouble.
I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.
That blood donor clinic only wants you to donate plasma so they can make TVs out of it.
Don't ever break a women's heart, they've only got one. Break their fucking bones they've got over 200 of those.
Joseph confronts Mary... Joseph: "Mary, I've heard you've been prostituting your body through the town!" Mary: "Don't worry, Joseph. I was just trying to make a little prophet."
I think my wife has a habit of walking in her sleep Every morning I find her sleeping in someone else's bed.
My horse has insomnia and keeps everyone awake. She's a nightmare.
Why did the man commit suicide? To get to the other side
Sergeant: "Smith! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!" Private Smith: "Thank you, Sir!"
My girlfriend isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. .I'm not sure how. I didn't even know it was her birthday.
Waking up confused on Sunday morning in my 20s: What happened last night? I must've passed out after drinking too much and again. Waking up confused on Sunday morning in my 40s: What happened last night? I must've passed out while watching infomercials on TV again.
Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.
I figured out why there are so many masturbation-related injuries that's when all the guardian angels cover their eyes
What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his Girlfriend? Wipe his ass.
I've finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil
I'm not saying my last girlfriend was a bit of a slut.... But, when I first met her, she had a higher sperm count than me.
My girlfriend decided to quit her job at the yogurt company The truth his, she never really liked the culture
What are ways we can address toxic masculinity amongst studs? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
I asked my pilot if he'd be okay having sex with me on our flight. He replied "I don't give a flying fuck."
My buddy Kirk was the waiter...can anyone spot the real blood pouring out of his head behind his ear? Took one for the team! Thanks again!
What do a coffee shop and a Japanese castle siege have in common? Baristas
Why did the lady with multiple personality disorder share her food with a friend? Because Sharon is Karen.
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay. I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
Why can't lesbians have sex at concerts? Because rock beats scissors.
wife: [crying] "he always calls me weird pet names" therapist: "what do you mean?" me: [arriving late] "what's wrong my little hovercraft?"
i don't think women should stay in the kitchen... i mean, how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house from there?
When my coffee gets cold, I like to warm it up for 20 seconds and then forget it in the microwave.
My wife has so many shoes the bedroom looks like the outside of a mosque.
It takes patience to be single and patience to be married
True Crime Podcast Idea: 'The Husband Didn't Do It'. It will be 2 episodes.
Me feeling overwhelmingly sad: *goes off somewhere to be alone and cry* Me feeling overwhelmingly happy: *goes off somewhere to be alone and cry* Feelings are confusing
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody and was sad to think that Freddie Mercury died of AIDS just before it became treatable. I then watched Rocketman and was sad to think that AIDS is now treatable.
How many people in denial does it take to change a light bulb? There is nothing wrong with the light bulb!
Is it still called showing up fashionably late if you're wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt with a spaghetti stain on it?
Two deer walk out of a gay bar... One of them turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there"
Dating app profiles should have a box for Registered to Vote: Yes/No
Going to Starbucks is nice because its a social place I can go when I dont want alcohol but still want to spend 7 bucks on a drink.
Why are Mormons more like Muslims than they are like Christians? Christians are not-for-prophet organizations.
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: 'Well? Are you still coughing?' The patient replies: 'No. I'm afraid to.'
What would Captain America be called if he fought in Vietnam? You weren't there man
Where do fat people live? Obe-city
It's a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 40 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering
My son thinks he's really smart now that he goes to school. When he came home yesterday he boasted "Onions are the only food that can make you cry" So I threw a Coconut at his head.
Confession: I was once at the gym and I saw a guy running full speed on the treadmill while reading a book. I couldn't believe what I was seeing and I took a video. The lady from the front desk confronted me and I lied and said it was a selfie.
NASA employs a "chief sniffer" whose job is to smell every item before it's flown into space.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
U.S. President Grover Cleveland bought a baby carriage for an infant who became his wife 22 years later.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest. It's his altar ego.
What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't shit.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat - I don't think you understand people who eat you.
How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant? One of them is an elephant
I personally think that beekeeper suits are ugly as hell, but hey... Beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.
I'm glad we were able to reconnect on Facebook after 20 years. Anyway, here's an invitation to like a page where I sell lotions.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. If engineered correctly.
I left Stephen Hawking like 8 voice mail messages before I realised he'd picked up every time.
When applying for new jobs state under illnesses and disabilities that you have narcolepsy and Tourettes. Not only can you sleep on the job but if anybody tries to wake you up you can tell them to fuck off.
I'm a hypochondriac I mean I'm self-diagnosing here but I know there's something wrong
My girlfriend calls it selective hearing. I prefer to call it drama filtering.
I also paid my doorman to lie once - he told the delivery guy my order was for two people
Only 5 days till Christmas. I hope that you are wrapped under the Christmas tree.
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and green? A skunk rolling down a hill with a pickle in its mouth.
Her: "Undress me with your words." Me: "I saw a spider in your bra."
The lie detector test should just be a pair of pants you put on that start on fire.
I promise you, if you came to one Mexican party... racism would end!
When she asks you if she looks fat and you reply noo but it autocorrects to moo....
For all those people who complain about the paper straws at McDonalds Here's a tip.... Take the lid off and drink it like a fucking grown up.
Think about it. If you buy a bigger bed, you have more bed room but less bedroom.
What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like? Depends
Why do North Koreans draw lines so well? They have a Supreme Ruler.
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes It was the end of my Korea. Now I'm China find a new job.
The main reason I've joined so many religious cults is because I have a hard time turning down a refreshing cup of Kool-Aid.
A dying man looks up into his wife's eyes and says, "Honey, before I go I have something I need to tell you." To which she replies, "I already know, dear. That's why I poisoned you."
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn't a ghost
Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
What does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask says they don't know.
When vegans have rough sex do they get artichoked?
I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? My pad or yours?
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns. Well, toucan play at that game.
My left knee has never committed a crime. I can't say the same for his felony.
If you are Asian in the kitchen and African in the living room, then what are you in the bathroom? If you're in the bathroom, European.
You wanna hear a dirty joke A horse fell in the mud. And then some crazy lesbian who hates horses put on a strap on and fucked it till it died.
My dad told me "Son if you don't stop masturbating you'll go blind" I told him "Dad I'm over here"
The janitor lady for my apartment building asked me out on a date & said she had some weed. I told her I'm not into high maintenance women.
What's the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex. sorry
There was a race between a group of gays and a group of lesbians. Who do you think got there first? The lesbians, because they got there lickety-split while the gays were still packing their shit.
What's the best part about a redneck family fight? The makeup sex
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn't know which one came first!
I think my entire family is racist.. I was dating a white woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family. My wife and kids never even wanted to speak to her.
date: maybe i should go me: [struggling to get the straw in the juice pouch] no i can do this
Bathtub is just a reverse canoe.
I HATE being bipolar, it's great.
[first date] Her: I love travelling to foreign countries Me (trying to impress): I once visited the Republic of Banana
I love jewish comedians they never ham it up.
The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her. I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
How is eating a girl out like being a member of the mafia? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit!
What did the drunker muslim say to the drunk muslim? I'm Mohammad than you
My wife left me for a fisherman. Poor guy's still reeling.
My wife is really good at putting our toddler to bed, he goes to sleep right away. I don't know how she does it, but I bet it's by telling him about her workday.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, 'We need to talk.' That's not a good sign.
Farting in your sleep should never be held against you, even if it happened during a work meeting in the conference room.
How do you starve a black man? Put his food-stamps next to his work boots.
Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.
Why do black women wear high heels? To stop their knuckles dragging on the floor.
[doctor's office] Doctor: What seems to be the problem? Me: I found a huge crack in my butt * we both laugh and high five *
I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't go to the gym with me. We just weren't working out.
This year keeps killing the wrong people.
Santa watches me shoot a wasp nest with my bow and arrow. He crosses my name off the 'nice' list and adds me to the 'fucking badass' list.
What's a magician's favorite Mexican dish? TosTADA!
[scale says I've gained 5 pounds] Me: It's probably just what I'm wearing. Wife: You're naked. Me: Wife: Me: It's a heavy deodorant.
What do you call a ghost's boobies? Paranormal entitties.
Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday". Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
A long time ago, I thought of a soda joke. I'd share it with you, but I'm afraid I think it'd fall flat.
I'm always good at figuring out who dies first in a movie but sometimes directors fuck with me by casting too many black people...
How many muslims does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Sorry comments are unavailable on this joke.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot and all over my crotch.
[mattress shopping] Me: I'm looking for something that will be really comfortable while I lay awake worrying about things that will never happen.
Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay
We are living in a time when going to a museum belongs in a museum.
What happens to an egg every time you look at it? It becomes eggs sighted.
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
Apparently every woman is bi. It just takes time to figure out if it's 'sexual' or fucking 'polar'...
Imagine working for millions of years on something as awesome as a planet full of dinosaurs and then one day some random asteroid wipes it all out. I really don't blame evolution for half-assing it with us.
therapist: and what do we do when we're sad? me: we make jokes about the situation minimizing our pain and go on pretending everything is fine therapist: no me: hahahaha I was only kidding. I don't get sad because life is hilarious (starts sobbing uncontrollably)
Today, my son, Sam, told me that he wanted to become a woman. I've always wanted a Trans Sam.
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances I said: 'There's the door.'
The 2-4 year old kids sang a Christmas carol in church today. Everyone thought they were cute. But they were off key so I booed them.
I was going to start my own podcast, but I already have enough going on with regards to disappointing my parents
Wikipedia asks for money more often than my drunk uncle at Christmas time.
Why didn't the fat duck have any friends? Because he was ostrich-sized.
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? A Klondike.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate said: 'Aye, it's driving me nuts.'
My wife and her sister got caught in a thunder shower on the way home from weight watchers earlier.... It was the funniest example of saturated fats I'd ever seen.
Why can't Caitlyn Jenner lie to her kids? She's a transparent.
What do you get when you mix a public speaker with someone who had tourettes? A clock! One provides the tic, the other provides the talk 
Twitter should automatically pin your worst tweet to your profile so people could have a realistic understanding of what they're in for
There was a screaming child on my flight so I asked to be moved to a different area of the plane, but they wouldn't do it because it was my kid.
These last 4 days have been some of the longest and darkest I can remember. Thanks to everyone for the thoughts and prayers while I was without a phone.
*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo... Coming... *other Indian replies* New... Fire... Who... Dis?
Scientists have just announced that Dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels. That pushes women down to third place. They also get paid more than women.
How much do Chinese dumplings weigh? Wonton.
How can you tell if a black woman is pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out the cotton is already picked.
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns. It was a play on words.
My ex left me because, according to her, I'll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her. Lucky guess.
What does a brick and a fat girl have in common? Both will eventually be laid by a Mexican.
Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray." Blonde: "I've never dated anyone named Ray."
I have designed a website for orphans. There isn't a home page.
31 Take her home to meet your parents, not your bed
I opened the door for an old lady today... A few people stared when they seen me jump in front of her and just stand there to activate the automatic door though.
I told my suicidal son that time is the greatest healer. Stupid bastard jumped off Big Ben.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats--taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
What's the difference between a blind sniper and a constipated owl? Everything. They have absolutely nothing in common.
What's the best thing about having sex with a Transsexual? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
When we die, all the concert footage we've shot on our phones flashes before our eyes.
Teacher Johnny: Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and.. Her-ass-meant a lot to me
cop: i think you know why i pulled you over me: [still trying to peel two oranges at once] just a second cop: hey no
I always wanted to try juggling. I just never had the balls to.
A man sees a lady with big tits. He asks, "Can I bite your tits for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to an alley. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her tits for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
Someone told me you can find the Christmas story in the bible, but I just spent the last 2 hours looking and couldn't find anything about Santa anywhere
Wife: I think I've lost weight. My underwear don't fit anymore. They're all too big. Me: (flashback to when I was listening to natural woman and wearing her underwear) That's.... uh... awesome!
why should you never pick a fight with an Israeli baker? Because they know Jew dough
I only really like people when they leave me alone.
The biggest surprise in the upcoming 'Han Solo' prequel is that he was born Henry Solowitz in Parsippany, NJ.
The lady next door ran over my cat. She said she'd replace it, so I asked her how good she was at catching mice.
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down. I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!
I watched an action movie where the main character dodged bullets, jumped out of an airplane, and stopped a bank robbery. But the most unrealistic part of the whole movie was where he put his kids to bed and they went to sleep right away.
With the kids off at camp, my wife and I finally have some precious time to check Facebook in separate rooms.
me: i just feel like you understand me self-check out: unexpected item in bagging area me: you mean my heart
me: y'know when someone else is in the stall next to you and you have a stand off where you both refuse to poop first, i feel like that's what betty white and the queen are doing but about dying my dentist: i said stop talking
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life DATE: how do you know that *shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
The worst thing about eating a clock... ....passing the time
"Betty White" What the African American said when he heard there was a new Pope.
My therapist told me... "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them." Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters?
TARGETED ADS IN 2018: Do you want a baseball shirt? ME: No TARGETED ADS IN 2021: Are you a husky Canadian man with blue eyes who didn't understand the end of Inception, is scared of birds, has a complicated relationship with his father, and wants a baseball shirt? ME: Go on...
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say "Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima," & then start swearing in Japanese.
me: alexa alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and- me: is it okay to microwave glass alexa: for how long
I just spent the night with a feminist prostitute... Had to suck my own cock but she paid half!
YOU: I hate fun words. ME: [Pugnaciously] I fricken love em.
Life is like a box of chocolates... It doesn't last long for fat people.
Me: I cheated on you Wife: You had an affair with another woman? Me: No, I watched an episode of our TV show without you Wife: That's even worse
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene? ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Inspirational Tweet: Always tell the people in your life how much you appreciate them. You don't want to live with regret wishing you had been nicer if something bad happens and you need to borrow money from them.
To me, nothing says Christmas like a person saying the word "Christmas".
I like getting on the metro train just as the doors are closing so it feels like a scene from a movie where I'm escaping a bad guy.
me: i fell down rollerblading on a treadmill police sketch artist: i thought you said you were attacked me: by my own hubris
What do you call a friendly Chinese man who gives out free firewood? Kind Ling
I've been building my son's trust with high fives for three years. Today I'm going to hit him with a "too slow". Welcome to the real world, son.
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help," she said. "Sure, it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
[God Creating Cats] God: Make them adorable so people will love them unconditionally and take care of them Angel: Awwwww! God: Also make them lick their own butt-holes Angel: Wtf?
I'm pretty sure the reason my friends are annoyed by my kid is because of how amazing, cute, and smart he is... especially considering how their kids are all irritating morons.
In 1993, cops were able to catch a drug dealer who was running and hiding in the woods because of his clothing. Specifically, he was wearing light-up shoes and didn't take them off.
Me (watching millennials being convinced that fanny packs are fashionable): This is hilarious. Best punk ever.
"Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?" "No. Marching's hard. I tweeted about it."
What do you call a lesbian that turned straight A hasbien
Where's the best place in America to shop for a football kit? New Jersey!
Puns leave me numb. Mathematical puns leave me number.
I open my phone and read your text. The news is so horrific and heartbreaking I have no idea how to respond. I type 'my condolences' into the GIF search.
judas: that jesus guy really pisses me off lol me: haha what judas: sometimes i just wanna beat the shit out of him until he's an inch from death and nail him to a cross haha me: dude what
I think more people used the word “shitshow” tonight than in the history of the word
Did you hear about the pessimistic German vegetarian? He feared the wurst
What do you call a 60-year old whose puberty just started? A late boomer.
ghost hunter: is there a spirit here tonight ghost me: yeppers ghost hunter: did it just say fucking yeppers
Best part of the body is probably the big bone orb sticking out of your ankle that is magnetically attracted to anything heavy you drop. Excellent design. Really lets you know you're alive.
What's the difference between a stripper and a hooker? Usually about $40
What do you call a Mexican crossed with an octopus? I don't know, but it sure can pick lettuce.
How do you say goodbye to a thousand Japanese people? A big wave
ME IN REAL LIFE: *quietly watches everyone* ME ONLINE: [yelling through a big cone] STEP RIGHT UP, FOLKS! WE GOT JOKES AND JOKES AND JOKES! WORDPLAY, MISDIRECTION, ABSURDITY. YOU WANT IT, I GOT IT. YOUR LOL IS MY GOAL. I'M NOT HAPPY TIL THAT KNEE GETS SLAPPY...
My neighbor is blasting his meditation music, but every time I go over to say something I'm filled with a deep sense of peace.
My dad once told me that if I put a potato in my swim trunks, I would attract more women... He forgot to tell me to put the potato in the front.
How many Irish folk singers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to sing about how grand the old bulb was.
If I was a Muslim, I'd want to hide my face too.
When you want someone to get out of your way, establish dominance by saying 'ex-squeeze me'
'Tis the season to start sentences with apostrophes.
Give a white man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a black man a fishing rod and he'll fish your car keys through your letterbox.
What do bats use to hit baseball? Baseball human
me: hey do you have the time? my clock is wrong clock: all i'm saying is why isn't there a white panther
What's baked every day and sells itself? Your mom
On an island vacation with my family. If I get attacked by a shark, don't blame him - the chum Speedo was my idea.
Wife: It's not a chick flick! Me: was the movie released in February? W: yes. M: are they standing back to back on the cover? W: sigh.. yes
If you ever think someone you know has been replaced by a robot, just ask them to identify traffic lights or cars.
What do you call a gay man's paradise? A fruitopia.
I think my friend is having an affair with my wife. He seems miserable lately.
When your wife remembers a memory from years ago and you have no recollection of it, don't blame yourself... that's just a break down in the Matrix. Our robot overlords put the memory in her head but forgot to put it in yours.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian Dad: Okay its cool 2nd daughter: dad I'm a lesbian too Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys? Son: I do
I only sleep with antivaxers 3 years of child support is way better than 18
Her: At least invite me out to dinner. Him: I don't go out with married women. Her: But I'm your wife. Him: I make no exceptions.
I'm done being a people pleaser. If everyone's ok with that.
What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
Whats the difference between a peeping tom and a pick-pocket? One of them snatches watches The other watches snatches
Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys
I watched a gay fish porn the other day... ...it was pretty homoaquatic.
My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!"
"What are you doing?" asked my wife. "Putting plastic mice on the lawn to keep away elephants." "There's no fucking elephants out there," she snarled. "Of course not," I replied, "I've put the plastic mice out!"
I once dated a dyslexic woman. I took her home and she cooked my sock.
I'm not gonna lie...a few of those falls were a little difficult to back up from. I'mTooOldForThisCrap
What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader
Today is Earth Day. Be good to the environment today by recycling a bunch of old jokes.
Nigerian Accent made easy: Happy Birthday = Api Betday XBOX 360 = eggs bugs three sisty McDonald's = Magdonnas Husband = Ozzband Concern = Con Son Order Chinese = Hoda shy knees Google = Gugu Safe Journey = Save Johnny
Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid? Luckily I'm in the other 5%.
The way to her heart: make her a bomb as sopita with limon and tapatio
What's the best reason to date a pornstar? You never have to meet her father.
I'm moving forward to protect my family from anymore unforeseen financial hardships in the future, and by that I mean I'm getting a vasectomy.
Me: I don't scare easily. Pregnant wife: All four of our daughters will be teenagers at the same time. Me: *never stops screaming*
There is a fine line between love and iove.
Protip: Marrying a person isn't the only way to get someone to take your name, there's also identity theft.
The word "stressed" is "desserts" spelled backwards. ... and eating dessert can actually help relieve stress.
I'm so glad we've had the internet during the lockdown so we could still all meet online to make each other miserable
Been chatting and flirting with this 14 year old chick Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How freakin' cool is that for someone her age.
Welcome to your 40s. You just injured your back reading this tweet.
Why did the transgender person disappear after they gave birth? They became transparent.
I can't stand wheelchairs. Damn, I messed up the punctuation on that one. It should be: "I can't stand! Wheelchairs?"
My Girlfriend Told Me I Need To Get In Shape..... I told her "I am in shape! Round is a shape!"
How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meet Patty!
I'm not angry enough at you to type in all caps, but you did make me upset me so I'll use two exclamation points at the end of my sentence!!
Doctor told me I had six months to live. "Seriously doc?" I asked. "Is there anything I can do?" "Move to Kansas and get married," he replied. "It'll be the longest six months of your life."
I believe that old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets covering their legs are actually retired mermaids.
If doomsday prep companies thought doomsday was really coming they wouldn't be stockpiling your soon to be worthless cash.
What is the best way to stop a politician? A really strong gust of wind.
Jobs from the 90s that aren't around anymore: Steve
Where is the lift? American: You mean the elevator? English: Yes, we call it a lift. American: It's called an elevator. We invented it. English: And we invented the language.
My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.
I find a good way to warm up on a cold winter day is by giving myself anxious sweats thinking about the future of humanity.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale... I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest.
What do you call an Irish J-Pop singer? Rady O'Gaga
What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus? He waits for it at the next stop.
What does a rich fat Englishman gain? Lots of Pounds.
I've been saying 'mucho' more when talking to my Hispanic friends. It means a lot to them.
How can you tell a Belgian in a submarine? He's the one with a parachute on his back.
What happens when a Chinese man with a boner runs into a wall? He breaks his nose.
I want a girlfriend with OCD, that way whenever I want to go home I can just say "Are you sure you checked the stove before we left?"
What do you call a person with a Simpsons fetish? Homer-sexual
As my wife gave birth all the doctors yelled, "Push!" I was convinced it was a Pull door.
When my wife and I are getting ready to go out and in a hurry, I like to help her get ready faster by repeatedly telling her what time it is every few minutes.
Girlfriend: "babe it's hot I need a fan" [Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]
I tried bringing sexy back but the lady at Walmart assured me I didn't get it there.
The most relatable part about Bilbo is that he had a bulletproof shirt, and a ring that makes you invisible, but instead of getting into mischief he just stayed at home for 60 years smoking pipe weed and working on a book.
What's the leading cause of blindness in middle aged women? Shit golfers!
If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it's a dart board on a ceiling.
What do you call a bedpan in Russia? A Poo-tin.
[couples counselling] Wife: He keeps comparing my emotions to food Therapist (to me): Women's emotions are complex. They have several layers Me: Oh I get it. Like a delicious bean dip
Titanic sank 103 years ago... ...making it the only thing your mom didn't go down on! Hi-YO!
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives
Did you hear about the guy that was half Black and half Japanese ... ... every December 7th he would attack Pearl Bailey.
What's the worlds saddest pizza? Pepperlonely.
Why do white people own so many pets? Because we're not allowed to own people anymore.
I'm like an iPhone when it comes to going out after work... my battery says I still have 47% left, but in reality I'm going to be dead and out of energy within 30 minutes.
I don't think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
In which country are they refusing to use wi-fi and bluetooth? In wireland
Paddy wanted to buy a Labrador.. Mick said "Fuck that, have you seen how many of their owners go blind!"
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl When she noticed me, we went for a run
What did the potato say to his lover? You have amazing eyes.
Did you hear Bruce Jenner was in a car accident? He was unhurt but his tranny was damaged.
What does the arabs put in their Mexican food?? Allah-penos
What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Wife.
her: [during sex] spank me me: [nervous but i go for it] her: did you just say good game
The Chinese coined the phrase 'it's not you.. it's me' while looking at their family albums.
Gay guys don't listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say "I know, right?!" while we wait for our turn to talk.
What do you call a seven course Irish meal? A 6-pack and a potato.
The Cheez-it Bowl brought to you by...wait for it...Cheez-its
Remember that AMA guy whose mother slept with him because he had broken his arms? She was adding incest to injury.
Well the Golden Globes has taught me one thing - you’re no one if you don’t own a glittery suit
What's the difference between boy scouts and Jews? Boy scouts always come back from camp!
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time? A widow.
goose doctor: was your son quack-cinated mom: what goose doctor: like vaccinated but with quack- mom: that's ducks goose doctor: well at least my kid doesn't have polio
What did the dead magician say? Abra-cadaver ROFL
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
A man goes to a $3 hooker He contracted crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $3, a lobster?"
I miss the rites of spring from my childhood, the snow melting, the birds chirping, me being cut from the baseball team.
It's cool that they did the black hole or whatever but I'm more interested in BIG questions like: Why do I enjoy soup but I never have a craving for it?
me: i brought cupcaaakes prison guard: what how
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year. christmas jokes
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife  meat eggs blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife your eggs or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
Dodged the bullet A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.
What did the arsonist use to set the Amazon Warehouse on fire? Amazon kindle.
FRIEND: Do you think the Ghost Horse is real? ME: No. That's just an urban legend. *We both distinctly hear something clop in the attic*
A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." and POOF! He disappeared without a tres.
I saw a guy drop his scrabble letters in a road. I asked him: 'What's the word on the street?'
Why is there only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell? Easy. More traffic is going to hell. rofl
I once knew a girl who confused a tube of KY jelly... for a tube of super glue. I asked her how it happened... her lips were sealed.
me: babe get your finger measured her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is? me: [ordering custom puppets] you'll see
Heard the cops arrested two guys on suspicion of building a bomb, one had some fireworks and the other had a car battery. Police say they have charged one and let the other one off.
Sorry I can't hang out with you anymore I'm too busy doing grown-up stuff like appreciating the cola part of Coca-Cola and using the side options on the cheese grater.
My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly...I'm not a fan.
Shoplifting or rape If you have sex with a prostitue and pay with a cheque that bounces is it shoplifting or rape?
[3 Wise men getting ready for Jesus' baby shower] Wise man 1: So what kind of gifts do you give for newborn babies? Wise man 2: No idea. Wise man 3: Definitely gold bars and cologne. Wise man 1 and 2: Nice
 What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics? Having legs
After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date...the American tourist.
I Have The Body of a 25 Year Old Supermodel. But it takes too much space in my freezer. rofl
kid: where do babies come from dad: the stork kid: but that means- dad: that's right son [hand on shoulder] i fucked a stork
You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive 3-pack'. Heck, I'm half  way to sexy town
What's the only thing an Irish person can hold on to? A grudge.
me: there's been a terrible accident at the ketchup factory 911: is anyone bleeding me: um
I just ate a whole bunch of butterflies... it didnt make me feel nervous at all.
INSTAGRAM: Looks like a fun weekend!! TWITTER: You look like what happens when a hobbit has a baby with an ashtray.
Her: we're gonna be late Me: it's a 2 minute video Her: doesn't include the time you spend crying Me: [crying] a duck and cat are friends
I'm glad they called the huge chocolate bars 'king sized' because it makes me feel like a triumphant conquerer when I'm eating my feelings and crying.
This country has become so divided, it might as well be an amoeba. Netflix, where's my comedy special?
Why don't black people listen to country music? Every time the hear the word hoedown they think their sister's been shot.
How do you call a Jew teenager? Jewenile
The reason you see cartoon characters like Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck wearing gloves all the time is because they're murderers
What does the Jewish Bruce Wayne drive? The Shabbat-Mobile.
Vodka 19.99. Motel room 64.99. Condoms 9.99. Finding out she swallows and likes it in the ass? Priceless! Fuck Mastercard, it pays to Discover
A policeman stopped me last night and asked, "Do you know what speed you were doing?" I replied, "Yeah, the stuff I bought from Leroy."
If whales are so intelligent why the fuck do they swim near Japan?
If a girl gets changed in front of you, then she's either really interested, or thinks of you as just a friend. Or she hasn't spotted me in her wardrobe.
My wife and I always fight about stealing the covers, so now we use separate blankets, beds, bedrooms, houses and area codes. Problem solved.
me: so tell me about yourself date: i hate surprises me: [violently waving off behind her] is that right grizzly bear: [confused shrug]
Why do people say "fat people are lazy"? Fat people get themselves food, I'm skinny because I'm too lazy to get myself food.
What is a junkies favorite drink? Hepsi
We need a tiny, classy hot dog -the inventor of the cocktail wiener
[crashing at a friends house for the night] Friend: do you want the couch or the bed? Me: it doesn't matter... I can lay awake with anxiety anywhere
What do you call a gay avatar? A bender.
I hate these supposedly "funny t-shirts". Just the other day I saw one which on the front said "I'm not gay..." and on the back said "but my boyfriend is". So I asked my girlfriend to take it off.
How do Japanese people refer to American politicians? Parti-san
Why are camels known as the ships of the desert? Because they're filled with Arab semen.
Let's name this product after something virtually no one will use it for. -the inventors of duct tape
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke this morning with a huge correction.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequillllaaaa
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an "Oh, honey"
What do you call a bunch of little black kids playing in leaves? Raisin Bran rofl
My friend told me he hopes I die somewhere filled with tents and lights and rides. That seems fair
What did the Ice Cream say to the Birthday Girl? Go 'head girl, it's sherbert day
Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like? No, sun.
No matter how kind you are, German children are always Kinder.
What do you call a witch who lives in the desert? A sand witch.
What do you call a french lesbian? A tresbien
A fat woman just served me at McDonalds... ... and said "Sorry about the wait". I replied and said "Don't worry, you'll lose it eventually".
What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? Freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
Why is Italy shaped like a boot? They couldn't fit that much shit in a sneaker. haha
"someday this will all be yours" I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
British people be like: I'm bri ish. I guess they drank the t.
If you keep snails in the pockets of your cargo shorts, they're called escargot shorts. And send.
A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*. He disappeared without a tres.
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she's been grouchy all day. I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
My laser pointer brings all the cats to the yard
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
A rabbi, an Irishman, and a clown walk into a bar The bartender says "This has to be a joke."
What happens to lawyers after they die? They lie still.
I've been telling everyone I'm a minimalist because it sounds cooler than I'm poor.
When whales get insomnia, I wonder if they listen to a relaxing sounds of people CD.
A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers...so if you're a good driver watch out.
I like to look classy when I'm at Walmart. That's why when go there, I tuck my shirt into my sweatpants.
My wife and I have a new arrangement. I can sleep with any woman I want, but she doesn't speak to me or live with me anymore.
Today is my 5 year wedding anniversary. Have you ever noticed how similar the words anniversary and adversary are? It's not a coincidence
you mean the story about the elderly lady who had some sort of fur coming out of her lower back? oh thats nothing but an old wives tail
[At doctor's office getting a physical] Me: Would it be alright if I turned the lights off for this?
Hv trouble accepting help/support? Feel bottled up inside and ready to blow? Suffering in silence? You're probably a classic Strong Black Woman
My wife was happy when I told her I put a load in the dishwasher until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!
I saw a French rifle on eBay today It's never been fired but I heard it was dropped once.
What happens when you step on an oily asian? Better not say. I feel like I'm already treading on a slippery slope.
We live in a dark age. An age where it's not okay to commit murder but it's okay for fat girls to wear leggings.
If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose? "Gandhi." Why him? "More food for me."
I'd like to invent a line of cleaning products that does a good job and also sounds satanic. -the inventor of dirt devil
A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining and asks "ladies, is anything ok?"
You never see churches with free WiFi because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
What did the blonde say when she saw a banana peel? aw shit imma fall again
When my employer asked if I had a criminal record I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.
I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.
"Well, nana" I said. "This is where you will be staying eventually. Do you like it?" "Will you fuck off and let me visit your grandads grave in peace" she shouted.
What did the french say to the Nazis when they invaded ? Table for 50,000?
Why are shoes always tied in the ghetto? Because if not, you always be trippin nigga.
I came downstairs late last night to find a black man in the library. I was absolutely fucking shocked. I don't employ servants who can read.
My Jewish friend always had such a positive outlook on life, even as he suffered from such horrible constipation. As he'd always say, ... This two shall pass.
What's the the key to telling an ISIS joke? The execution. sorry
Why are clowns so good at murder? Because you can't spell manslaughter without laughter.
The days are getting shorter, but do they have to compensate by acting like assholes?
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
My deaf girlfriend just told me to fuck off. That's not a good sign.
My wife woke me up in the middle of the night because she heard a noise in the house. I didn't find anyone, but that didn't stop me from yelling 'Get out of my house you criminals! Yeah, you better run!' to make myself seem heroic.
me: knock knock friend: who's there me: g- white guy with an anime avi: you've made a statement on a public forum so there is no reason for me to mind my own business
My girlfriend wants me to take her to Paris, and treat her like a princess The only thing is, I don't know which to pick: the guillotine or the Mercedes.
What do you call cows that don't have a sense of humor? Feminists.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
When I was 6 I got coal from Santa. The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. The bastard found out and killed my dad
Why is Darth Vader so famous? He was the first black man to admit he is the father. sorry
A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.
During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it's perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate. That being said, I still wish he hadn't.
Jenga but with Toblerone bars.
One nice thing about getting older is that you appreciate crackers more. Great taste and accurate name. A+
Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why. He said "inflation"
Thanks to everyone who sent their thoughts and prayers during my difficult time of slow internet last night.
13 year old girls be like "I need a man who.. " Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.
I ran out of cereal today, so instead I poured milk on a bowl of bbq chips. It wasnt good, but I ate it anyway because breakfast is important
I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. ...Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening...
I know Karate... ...And like two other Japanese words.
I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist. Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.
My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she'll get stuck in them. I said, 'You'll come round eventually."
My doctor says I should eat more red meat and drink more alcohol. BTW, I consider all waiters doctors.
What so you call an Asian jew? Jew Lee
A news story said a missing cat came back to his owners after 8 years. Turns out the cat was backpacking through Europe and finding himself.
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
We lost my dad today. But at least he's in a happy place: wandering around somewhere in Home Depot. Let me know if you see him.
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing. It's laundry day.
What's the difference between a feminist and an illegal immigrant? The illegal immigrant knows how to cook.
Anne Frank's dad actually edited her diary. He took out things about sex and dirty jokes.
If you say the word 'lozenge' 50 times out loud, it starts sounding really weird. Also, your family leaves the dining table.
Studies show young people are having less sex than previous generations. I knew I was ahead of my time.
I've decided to start spelling "eggs" with only one "g" to conserve "g's" and reduce my carbon footprint. Everything little bit helps.
What do women and modern computers have in common? Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does. ROFL
My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."
evolution: sex feels good to encourage reproduction humans: so i could just fuck my hand or a piece of plastic right evolution: guys [nervous] guys no
The most exciting part of Easter egg hunts at my house is when suddenly the hunted become the hunters.
Why did Sally fall of the swing? She had no arms. Knock knock (Reader says who's there) Not Sally.
"I'm collecting for the flood victims in India" said the woman stood at my front door. So I gave her my inflatable crocodile.
[Starbucks] What can I get you? I'll have a large coffee, black "You don't have to say black" I'll have a large coffee, African American
When you smoke marijuana on a boat it's called sea weed. Thanks for following and stay tuned for more of these great tweets.
It's hard being a vegan who's into crossfit because I don't know which one to tell you about first.
I'm always disappointed when someone offers me Kool Aid and I drink it and then they don't try to recruit me into a religious cult
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
Why wasn't Hitler invited to the BBQ? Because he always burns the franks.
Funny that when a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she's considered a slut ... but when I do it I'm gay.
Let's give this invention a name that will severely hurt its marketability -the inventor of the fanny pack
Do you know what happens when gay marriage is legalized? BREAKING NEWS: California's drought is over. Water supply flourishing from the tears of the racist, homophobic, and conservative southerners
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend! Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk. It'll be my security gourd.
New parent to infant: I will protect you no matter what happens. Parent of toddler: You're getting on my nerves. Go play in traffic.
What's Hitlers least favorite drink? Jewce
WIFE: The police are at the front door ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
What do you call a smart Muslim? Ex Muslim.
"I piss off a lot of deaf people when I talk" -Italians
[First day as a waiter] Me: Sir how would you like your steak? Customer: Well done. Me: Thanks that means a lot. I was terribly nervous earlier.
"Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.." I advised him to contact Facebook to set it as one of the gender options on the sign up menu.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees three idiots standing on the track.
How did the doctor cure the invisible man? He took him to the ICU
I just learned the medical name for Viagra. Mycoxaflopin.
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
I just tried out a new flight simulator that's so realistic, I spent the whole 2 hours grounded at JFK.
What do you call an ugly dinosaur? An eyesaur.
Want to hear a joke about black people? Never mind it won't work
If Kevin Bacon never said "want some bacon with your eggs" to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn't make sense anymore.
I wonder how many calories women burn by jumping to conclusions?
My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore. I had to put my foot down.
What do you call a fat pirate? A vast matey.
Oh wow I guess Sheppy got ahold of my iPhone... sorry for the random Moana tweet 🤣
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting. All the seats were already taken.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's. At least it isn't cancer.
There are 2 things in this world that i hate. 1. racism 2. black people
One time I told my blind Nana to go on a seafood diet... She died a week later.
Everybody keeps downvoting my racist jokes It's like a load of black people have suddenly gotten laptops or something.
That's it, I'm done with the gym. I look exactly the same as I did when I started working out. Biggest waste of 5 mins ever.
A lot of people think I'm stupid, but I just scored a 70 on my IQ test which is like a C, so the joke is on them.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowlady? Snowballs!
They say you should take the stairs to get exercise, but I think I get a better workout doing sit ups and jumping jacks in the elevator.
*Being dragged from the halls of power again* GRAVES SHOULD BE VERTICAL IT WOULD SAVE SO MUCH SPACE JUST LET ME SHOW YOU
What do you call a gay philosopher? Pyfagoras
What do you call a company that makes Mexicans? A MexiCo.
Reminds me of scene from Jaws.... LOL
When you die what body part dies last? The pupils - they dilate
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at your funeral to avenge your death? Vigil aunties.
I asked my Indian father for a PS3 He said "No beta, it's pronounced PH.D."
When people say 'age is just a number', I'm always like, 'actually it's a word, idiot'
I've been having constant sleep paralysis In my last 3 dreams I was in a wheelchair
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with IBS? Well, one you have to shuck between fits...
Wait a minute...why is that chick wearing my jacket? Haha. She took the Dean wig off and turned into a "Sam"!!! 200thEpisode
Why are gay guys with big dicks the first ones picked at the bar? Low-hanging fruit
Today I saw an advert for the suicide helpline on the back of a bus. I couldn't help but think, surely it would work much better on the front?!
You could go blind from drinking antifreeze. But what if you're already blind? Then it's just a sweet and delicious refreshment!
My girlfriend had a sexual fantasy to roleplay as a 14 year old in bed. I think it's pretty gross. Besides, she'll be 14 in 2 years anyway.
Sorry you hired me to film your wedding and I accidentally did heat vision.
My wife was a little puzzled when I suddenly bought some new beads for her abacus. Smiling, I said to her... "Honey, it's the little things that count!"
An atheist, a Muslim, and a Born-again Christian are seated together on a plane. They have a pleasant flight because they're not assholes.
The new iPhone should come with a bigger box... that way when you buy one and can't afford to pay rent anymore, you could live in it.
Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma  like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well  Grandma's very deaf so I'm writing very loudly.
A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot. The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.
What Do You Call An Israelite On The Himalayas? Mountain Jew.
Apparently 1 in 10 young Germans believe Auschwitz is a type of beer. I tried it once. It wasn't for me. Too gassy...
How many McDonald's workers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they can't climb the ladder.
Why haven't they installed a mirror on cars that only covers your blind spot?
the hamburger helper implies the existence of a hamburger master
[God creating babies] God: Make them super cute, but also literally the worst.
What does your mom and my fantasy football team have in common? As soon as I put money on them, they suck.
I have just been kidnapped by a fat dude in a red suit, shoved in a bag and taken to the north pole and wrapped up. Who put me on their Christmas list?
What's the definition of endless love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
It's okay if you have no idea what 'prefix' means. It's not the end of the word.
I'm not Catholic, but I've given up picking my belly button for lint.
robbers: [leaving with my tv] me: WAIT robbers: me: can you close the door
A man was addicted to pills and was told he needed help He decided to quit after one last pill, he took a viagra. When asked why he would take a viagra as his last pill he responded: "Old habits die hard"
You ever have those people in your life who just take and take and take, and then they rarely say thank you or even show any appreciation? They have a word for those people, they're called toddlers.
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me I was like, "What the Hellmann?"
After 40mins someone finally answered. Just to put me on hold for another 15mins LOL. They don't want to let go. GODDAMN THESE LOOKS OF MINE! 24 hour fitness
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of? WIFE: I just...[sobbing]...don't want the kids to suffer ME: Eels
What's your favorite place to cry? Mine is everywhere
I wasn't sure I wanted to have kids, but now that I have them, I realize how rewarding it is to get all those likes on social media for posting cute photos.
Best part of singing while you drive is that you have to keep your eyes open, even when you hit the high notes, which creates one of the most terrifying faces a human can make.
Why do we hate making up gay jokes? Because it's always a pain in the ass
Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the steakhouse market? It was a big McSteak.
My wife said she'd be happy with any bday gift as long as I get her something with lots of diamonds. She'll love this pack of playing cards!
When a man falls off a boat, you say, "Man overboard!" What do you say when a woman falls off a boat? "Full speed ahead!"
What is a terrorist his favourite car? A Citroen C4 h
If you think about it a wheelchair is a shopping trolley to a cannibal.
Anyone want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure.
There's no "I" in team, but there are 2 of them in "idiot".
I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend.
Why is Barbie not pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box.
Why did the hipster drown? He went iceskating before it was cool
[first date] Her: I love cats Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I never date girls from china... That's a big red flag.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5...
ME AT 21: I wish I had enough money to change the world. ME AT 31: I wish I had enough money to change my Brita filter.
My depressed friend was pissed when I picked up his bottle of alcohol, but I was only trying to lift his spirits.
Having kids takes up most of a parent's energy. But no matter how exhausted my wife and I are, we always make sure to set some time aside to get together and argue about who is more tired.
[At work] Me: I could use a little help here. Brain: No. I don't feel like being productive right now. [At home in bed] Me: I'm exhausted. Brain: IT'S TIME TO SOLVE ALL THE WORLDS PROBLEMS!!!
Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Why was the Muslim arrested for speeding during Ramadan? Because he was going *to fast*!
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this )
What do you call a fat, smelly hermaphodite who gives blow jobs under the bridge for a nickel? Well, YOU call her mom.
My girlfriend - who is deaf - just told me: 'I seriously think we need to talk.' That's not a good sign.
Call me when Serious Rowling writes a book.
I told my daughter, 'Its always been my dream to walk you down the aisle.' She said: 'Dad, we're grocery shopping.'
Saudi TV Mistake Saudi Arabia TV reported the Brussels attack 15 minutes earlier than it actually happened. Saudi TV sincerely apologizes for this innocent mistake.
A Mexican got injured during a game of golf and needed stitches. I guess it was a hole in Juan.
Fun fact: Nudity is typically blurred out on TV because no one can get their genitals to sign a release form.
What do you call two gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael
The only 3-way I was ever a part of was getting the middle seat on a Southwest Airlines flight. Miss you, Ed, Tyrell.
Nothing offends a parent more than a person without kids complaining about feeling tired
Robert Pattinson once dealt with an obsessed fan by taking her out for dinner and complaining about his life. He says he's able to bore people in two minutes.
My Dad: I agree with Occam, the simplest explanation is usually the correct one Also My Dad: Apple changed my password again
I bet Americans can't wait for Halloween. They put the 'eating' in Trick or Treating.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh. It turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.
Did you know humans are born with four kidneys? Two of them grow into adult knees. corny
As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.
I finished my culinary class final. It was a piece of cake.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat. In the end, he came around.
My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.
What do you call James Bond in a jacuzzi? Bubble-0 Seven.
There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa 1. You believe in Santa. 2. You don't believe in Santa. 3. You are Santa. 4. You look like Santa.
*Removes belly button lint *weighs in a 2nd time
internet: there are singles in your area me: really internet: ya you're one of them you fucking loser me: ah
Had to explain what irony was to someone at church. Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.
What hat does a Mexican wear to a funeral? A somber-ero.
The benefits of having kids include their cuteness, adorable cuddles, and using them being sick as an excuse to get out of absolutely anything you want.
They should change the name of the caps locked button to the yell button
When my kids are home, my phone goes in a drawer so I can give them my attention and not be distracted. Like a good parent, I want to be 100% present when I'm yelling at them for fighting with each other.
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands; There are no canaries there either.
How many Americans does it take to screw a lightbulb? None. Their President outsources the job to India.
What's the difference between Indians and Pakistanis? When a Pakistani has a red dot on his forehead it means he has about two seconds to live.
If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly.
Q: What did the skunk use to contact his girlfriend? A: His smellular phone!
Two windmills are in a field. One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?" The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"
Have you ever had an Ethiopian breakfast? Neither have they.
Occasionally I deliberately place an unexpected item in the bagging area just so I can hear a womans voice talking to me.
My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives. I'm tired of his mine games.
How come old clothes are "vintage" but old people are "nasty over-entitled thugs whose blind selfishness mortgaged America's future"
I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick". She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied "you just ask nicely".
LGBT Girl Scout Leader Arrested She was thrown in jail for eating Brownies.
I like how our one year old will eat a screw he found on the floor, but won't eat my wife's lasagna. In fairness to him, her lasagna is terrible.
I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me. I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.
Reminder to my massage therapists: the less you giggle the more I tip.
What do you call a hooker with no limits? Your mom.
What do you call a rich Chinese person ? cha ching
Damn, this is going to get ugly," I thought. As my wife removed her makeup.
This is one of those days I wake up dreaming of disappearing into the Canadian countryside and start work on my long-delayed dissertation and then remember I would probably have to graduate from college first.
My Welsh mate was found dead yesterday. He died the way he would have wanted to go... He passed away peacefully in his sheep
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties? Wife: she asked for a pony.. Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN'T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
If I don't make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die. - the lady in front of me
The hot chick I hooked up with last night must be a Berny Sanders fan... Because when I went to go pee, I could feel the burn.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time? Toot-in-common.
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six-offender.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
What do you call a Muslim optician who doesn't give a fuck about his patients? Asif Eyecare
*on a first date* Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret
Me: I'm terrified of random letters Therapist: You are? Me: (Screams) Therapist: I see Me: (Scream intensifies)
What do you get if you cross an illiterate african american with an illegal hispanic immigrant looking for a green card? A U.S soldier.
A husband asked his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?" She replied, "Because I don't like calling you at work."
I remember when I knocked out the school bully, I thought I'd be an instant hero, but apparently it was 'appalling behaviour' for a parent.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts. It's half empty.
Getting a hot girl doesn't depend on your good looks or personality, it depends how big your knife is and how slow she runs.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I'm rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
What is the definition of a will? Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
How much does a midget stripper with three kids get paid? Mini-mom wage.
Just because I'm Irish doesn't mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
A German walks into a bar and orders a martini, the bartender asks "dry?" The German says "Nein, just one"
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun only has one trigger.
Immigrants are like sperm millions get in but only one works.
What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet? Precubescent
6:30 is the best time on a clock Hands down
I saw two blind dudes fighting the other day and I yelled "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!" Both of them ran away.
Instead of checking IDs, bars now make sure that people can't name 3 YouTube Stars.
I wish there was a Mormon version of The Bachelor. That way none of the women would have to be eliminated.
What do you call a gay fly? a maggot
Only thing that sucks harder than on-hold muzak is on-hold musak that clashes with the actual music playing in your house.
Whenever I see a newborn baby, I realize they have absolutely no clue how many binge-worthy shows they now have to catch up on.
I joined cross fit because I'm really angry at big tires
What do you get when you cross a policeman with a skunk ? Law and odor.
Never argue with a fool. Listeners can't tell which is which
[first day as a waiter] Customer: Can I get a water with no ice? Me: is that a preference or because of an allergy? Customer: ....?
What's Hitler's favorite Chinese food? Lo mein kampf
Why did the feminist fail algebra? Because she thought 2x was the answer to everything
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
I used to date a girl called Anna Ward She was a trophy girlfriend.
What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes? Nothing.
I pointed the gun in my wife's face I said, 'Any last words?' Two months later, I shot her.
I read a book about a transsexual woman with a speech impediment.. It was titled 'Man or Myth'
I recently got sick at the airport. My doctor says it's a terminal illness.
"Human skull found in Greece shows Homo Sapiens left Africa almost 160,000 years earlier than thought" Damn right we did, look at the state of the poor bastards who decided to stay.
I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.
How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or maybe just complimenting you on your driving?
How did Helen Keller break her arms? She tried to read a road sign going 45mph
What happened after the ugly man married the beautiful blonde? They had a wedding reception.
As soon as space travel is possible I'm moving from the Milky Way to the SoyMilky Way galaxy. I'm Galactose intolerant.
Want some juicy Hollywood gossip? After three drinks, I sometimes mispronounce 'Charlize Theron.'
What's a feminists favourite type of math? triggernometry
What's the difference between racism and the chinese people? Racism has many faces...
Tried to pardon my turkey and he sued me for wrongful imprisonment and defamation.
A website made sure I was human before I was allowed to sign up for a model train newsletter. That's right, robots, screw off. This is OUR hobby.
When our kids were babies, my wife and I played them Salieri instead of Mozart, and now they've grown into jealous, brooding schemers.
What's the difference between a midget and black people? A midget is a small problem. Black people are a huge problem.
What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and ebola? At least Ebola will finish me off
What are french journalists good at catching? Bullets.
me: i don't know anybody here i feel awkward prison guard: shut the fuck up
Saying sniggers isn't very politically correct I now say laughrican americans.
Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard? ...neither did she
Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Christmas, the side chick is you!
The recipe said, 'Set the oven to 180 degrees.' Now I can't open the oven as the door faces the wall.
What do you call a cold Jewish person? Iceberg.
What do you call a caveman that wanders around aimlessly? A meander-thal.
What color is the wind? Blew.
Women love a man brimming with confidence. Because without that, what is there to destroy?
I went to my doctor because I couldn't stop giving my girlfriend oral. He says I have Minge Eating Disorder.
I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.
A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves" The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief"
What is the prettiest thing about a DC girl? Her resume.
We had a gender reveal party where my wife got mad at me in front of all our guests and I cried so it turns out the gender reveal was I'm not a man.
What Should You Do After Ireland Wins The World Cup Turn off Fifa and go to bed
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
My friend likes to make carvings of people of religion in his spare time. You'd like a punchline to this, wooden jew.
What do you call an annoyed lobster? A frustacean.
doctor: you're completely blind me: what are you saying doctor: april fools lol you're actually deaf me: what doctor: oh right
How to get a Netflix special the hard way: do stand up for a decade The easy way: be a serial killer
How do you greet a gay Hispanic?  Homo Estas!
How do you know a chinese thief has broken into your house? All of your rice is gone, your computer is fixed, and the mother fucker is still trying to back out of the driveway.
What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.
I just saw a guy running down the street with a cape on. I shouted "Are you a Superhero" "No" he said "I haven't paid for my haircut!"
All food I purchase should read: "Serving Size: Probably This Entire Box In Less Than An Hour, You Fat Fuck."
Until I became a parent, I didn't know it was possible to resent people who don't have bags under their eyes
I want to sleep my way to the top but like in a bed just sleeping. Then I wake up and BAM I'm on top.
*Signing the Fed-Ex guy's form* That's a lot of kitty litter, sir It's just litter Pardon? It's not kitty litter if a cat doesn't use it
I put coal in my kids' stockings not because they were bad but to needlessly increase their carbon footprint.
If I could play any musical instrument in the world, it would be a violin that has twenty million dollars hidden inside it.
What musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails
starter: on your marks, get set [crabs line up at starting line] starter: [fires gun] GO [all the crabs run sideways, toppling into a wall]
Twitter won't inform someone that you've muted them, so make sure you tell them yourself.
I ordered the Olive Garden 'Bottomless Salad Bowl,' and it led me to Narnia.
What did the fat pig say when the farmer  dumped corn mash into the trough? "I'm afraid that's all going to waist."
I hope someone invents a wifi connected ouija board, that way I can continue arguing with strangers on the internet after I die too
To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night, I'm not letting you out!
Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office? Because it was a mail dominated industry
Why are snakes measured in inches? Because they don't have any feet.
I like the fact that Harriet Tubman will be on the $20 bill. It's good to have a black woman represented on American money. It just sucks that it will only be worth $12.
I’m just getting a little worried that the only way to feel alive right now is to purchase things.
Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf ... but he didn't listen.
How do you blind an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.
ME: Look, I don't want to kill you, I'll open this window so you can fly out. BUG: [smashing into wall several times] Like this? ME: No. BUG: [Circling open window, then smashing into roof several times] Ah. I see. Like this. ME: N- BUG: [flying in my open mouth] Got it.
I just told a group of teens they were "lit af" and to "stay extra woke". I have no idea what any of that means, but I've never felt cooler.
I just found out Canada isn't real Turns out it was all just mapleleaf
Upon death, instead of having my whole life flash before my eyes, I just want to watch Season 3 of The Sopranos again
Amish girls have no way of knowing if it's a romantic candlelit dinner or just a regular dinner
Two blonds are having a conversation when one says to the other "I had sex with a brazilian last night" The other blond replies "WOW that's a lot of men"
What did the Gay techie say? I do queries.
I was on a plane about to crash when a female passenger shouted "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman... is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" So I stood up, removed my shirt and said "Here, iron this"
You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say? Poetry
her: what's this writing on your hand me: I was cheating on an exam her: it just says "hand" me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
What did the Indian boy say to his mom before he left? Mumbai
A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, "HIJACK!" All passengers got scared. From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, "HI JOHN!"
What's the difference between Jesus and Mexicans? Jesus doesn't have Mexicans tattooed all over him.
[job interview] Boss: Your resume says you're a perfectionist Me: Yep! Boss: Except you spelled perfectionist wrong Me: I'm sure it was a one off Boss: You had 15 other typos Me: I'm a perfectionist other than that Boss: You're wearing your shoes on the wrong feet Me: Hmm
The best part of guys night out is at the end when we order a dessert and share it with 2 spoons
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
*Lady gives balloon to my son* ME: What do u say? SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing SON: Oh. Thank you
Now that everyone has more free time on their hands, any chance we can finally get around to changing the name of sour cream?
How many men does it take to fix a women's watch? Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!
Cop: You get one phone call Me: Can I have a text instead? None of my friends answer unknown numbers
In Lady In Red, when Chris de Burgh sings that he's 'dancing cheek to cheek' with the lady in red, is he talking about cheeks on the face or butt cheeks? Waiter: I meant did you have any questions about the menu
"Humiliation makes you shorter. So yeah, I am scared of getting hurt, 'cause one more personal disaster now, would cut me off at the knees."
The other day I tweeted about a married black woman hitting on me #blackwivesflatter
Rabbit: I got kicked out of my cage for not  paying the rent. My wife walked out and took our twenty-nine bunnies with her. I'm all out of carrots. What should I do? Friend: Don't worry; be hoppy!
my mom: so i guess robbers broke into our house, drew all over the walls with crayons, but didn't steal anything five year old me: shit's wild i know
If you want to hide a surprise birthday gift for your husband in a spot where he will never see it, put it inside the refrigerator beside the ketchup he can never find.
Chemistry, either you've got it or you don't.
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common? Both look good until they hit the ice
What's the difference between the ISIS headquarters and a kindergarten? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
What do Eskimos and Ziploc bags have in common? They both like a tight seal
If the team I'm cheering for loses, it's usually my fault because I didn't yell the right plays at the TV.
A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up and down and nipples sticking out in the cold. His colleagues have kicked his fucking head in!
I was kidnapped by a gang of mimes. They threatened to do unspeakable things.
What kind of organization is Atheism? Non-prophet.
The Rock had a baby girl today. I hope he names her Pebble.
How did Jesus feel when they crucified him? He was cross.
An Egyptian man won't accept that he is a bad swimmer, so he jumped into the river... He's still in the Nile.
What should you do when life gives you melons? Get tested for dyslexia.
Two lovers saying a sad goodbye at the train station, complete with prolonged hugging, kissing, and crying... except with me and my bed in the bedroom every single morning.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats. This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Envy is the burning desire to have everybody else become as pathetic as you
Yo mama's so fat when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.
The movie "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" was released as "It's Raining Falafel" in Israel.
If you look up the definition of responsibility in the dictionary it just shows a picture of an adult looking sad.
I asked my girlfriend what book she was reading. She replied "It's a mystery." I said "Doesn't it say on the cover?"
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye's Chicken commercials keeps calling me "Honey" so we'll see where that goes.
If you show me your boobs, I'll show you my tattoos. Tit for tat.
Luckily I never started vaping because there were many conclusive studies stating I would never look cool doing it.
Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood  test.
I saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other this morning. Gives me hope for the future. Or at least another Rush Hour movie
I keep my head held high because I know there's a beautiful deaf, mute & blind woman out there that's going to find me irresistible one day.
I saw 2 men mugging an old lady and I asked myself if i should help but decided that 3 would be overkill.
[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
How many bones are in a human hand? A handful
Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" Dad: "No sun."
What has a 10 foot neck four legs and loves money. A Jewraffe
You know why we never see retarded black kids? Because God only punishes once.
A cobweb is just a spiderweb that has bacon, hard-boiled egg, and cheese in it.
What do you call a team of Christian mutant superheroes? The A-Men
Q: What's a little quicker than a shark? A: The Little Mermaid on her period.
God's Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse's body? I think you're just in a bad mood. God: ALSO MAKE IT BLIND AND SCREECHING
You know there's no official training for garbage men? They just pick it up as they go along.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I'd see it in the wild.
More like Yawn Steinbeck More like Lames Joyce More like O.K Rowling More like Plain Austen More like Ayn Bland More like Hackiavelli
My Arabic neighbours are expecting.....they are having Ha-bibi.
Women picture this - it's 15 years from now, the big eyebrow trend has gotten out of control, and now you no longer have a face, it's just one giant eyebrow... and it's gorgeous.
Being a baby is like being black out drunk. You throw up and poop your pants, don't remember any of it, and the photos are all over Facebook
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right
I heard a black woman on the phone today. As did every other fucker within a 14 mile radius.
I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters. Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?" I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
We transitioned our toddler from his crib to a big boy bed today and I cried harder than he did, but at least I wasn't overly emotional about it.
My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues. I'll show him.
There might be plenty of good food choices in College.. .. but you can't Top Ramen
Did you hear about the gay French baker? Faguette
Italian Guy with a problem What do you call an Italian guy with one arm shorter than the other?  A Speech Impediment :)
What's the best way to grease a Ferrari? Run over an Italian.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick Mostly because his name is Steve
I can't believe no one has come up with a cure for anorexia yet. I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Marvel have announced their first transgender super hero. Wonder Womb-man will be in cinemas this summer....
For the first time in her life my wife was stunned into complete silence last night... I love my taser.
A man got a car for his wife Now, thats what you call a good trade.
STEELY DAN: I'm Steely Dan POLICEY DAN: Hands up, scumbag.
Men with beards 50 years ago: 'I'm going to the woods to chop down some trees.' Men with beards today: 'I'm going to the shops there's a new face mask that's gluten-free.' *We're all doomed*
Why don't rabbits like beer? Because it messes with their hops
If cupids didnt have wings, theyd just be fat little baby assassins with crossbows.
How do you know if a Muslim is laughing online? He types, "HALOL"
Did you hear about the gay midget? He came out of the cabinet.
If an infomercial suddenly changes to black-and-white, you need to brace yourself. You're about to see a harrowing shot of stubborn, baked-on cheese.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock. corny
How do blonde braincells die? Alone. 
ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem. HOUSTON: Interesting, and yet when I have a problem you are off in space nowhere to be found. Hmm.
What was Hitler's least favourite month? Jew-ne
Young lady to father "Daddy when I grow up shall I become a heart-doctor or a tooth-doctor " "Dentist" "Why father ?" "We have only one heart but 32 teeth!"
I went to a large bookstore ... ... and asked the lady at the counter, where the self-help section was. She said if she would tell me, it would defeat the very purpose of it.
Just found out today is officially Eggnog Day. What a crazy coincidence. Life is funny sometimes.
*Follows proper washing instructions on 10% of the clothes I own* It feels good to be the most adult person on Earth.
I once thought I had a Japanese friend. But it was just my imagine Asian
strongest human urges: 1. sexual reproduction 2. getting someone to feel a soft thing that you just felt to prove how soft it is 3. hydration
Yesterday my wife broke down whilst telling me she had Parkinson's. She was even less impressed when I told her to 'get a grip.'
Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11? Americans can't milk a cow for 14 years
I had the wife in stitches last night. That'll teach her to overcook my steak.
If you're having a bad day, just punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their parents?
I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately it doesn't have a home page.
A young stunning Brunette came into my office today saying she was being constantly sexually harassed and wanted a new position... 'Doggy style' was not the best advice.
My girlfriend left me for an Indian guy. It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well. I heard they worship cows
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.
Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting  round playing on the Internet you'll be fat and useless when you grow up. Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!
I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating, but I think I've pulled it off.
What do you call a German with a bad attitude? A sour Kraut.
A lawyer was caught jerking off in a grocery store. The arresting officer asked the lawyer "Why did you do it? Aren't you afraid of going to jail?" The lawyer responded, "I knew I'd get myself off"
Yo Dog! A three legged dog walks into a bar. It say's I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number. I told her we use names here.
What type of blood does a keyboard have? Typo corny
How do you get a little old lady to yell the F word? Get another little old lady to yell "Bingo!"
Wife: can you change the baby Me: oh thank god. I'm so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will Wife: I don't mean swap it for a new one Me: ...
Come on Pizza!!! I'm dying here. Pepperoni Dreaming
Watching Unsolved Mysteries on Netflix is so frustrating! I keep forgetting it's got UNSOLVED in the title But I keep can't stop watching them!
Putin persecutes homosexuals in his own country... ...then goes and enters another country through the back door? Very mixed messages from Russia.
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..." "Stop eating caterpillars!"
For christmas i bought my girlfriend a pair of shoes and a dildo. That way if she doesnt like the shoes she can go fuck herself.
The only reason God created Albinos is so black people can see how ugly they'd be if they were actually white.
I'm not one of those people who claps when the airplane lands... what I do is I let out a short scream because the wheels hitting the pavement usually startles me
All out of clean spoons so I guess I'll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
What did the father Buffalo say to his son as he left for school? Bison ROFL
His son asked him what gay meant. Son: Dad, what does gay mean? Dad: Happy son. It means happy. Son: Then are YOU gay DAD? Dad: No son...... i have a wife...
What does a gay man and a rhubarb have in common? It's not right to call them a fruit.
My wife can't find her hair clips but she remembers what I said 6 months ago on Tuesday the 24th at 5:30pm. FFS.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
Why were the two prisoners good at grammar? Because they were always thinking about their sentences.
One of Uber's self-driving cars crashed in Arizona. Evidently, the car couldn't stand to hear one more passenger say, 'But it's a dry heat.'
I love having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my seventh favourite Dinosaur is.
Whats black and white and eats like a horse? A Zebra
YOU: I don't understand kids these days. Me: [equipped with the knowledge that comes after 46 years of studying anthropology, sociology, child psychology, and global culture] They like doing that fortnite dance.
Twenty years ago: Is it because I is black? Yes, that is the reason you're being mistreated. Now: Is it because I is black? Yes, that is the reason you've been cast in a film role ahead of far more appropriate actors.
What do you tell a smelly Japanese person? Takashawa.
To this day, no band has outdone The Beach Boys in singing about a car's technical specs.
I got fired when I asked a customer if he preferred smoking or non smoking. Apparently, the correct terms are 'cremation' and 'burial'.
Everything at the bottom of the ocean looks like something Jim Henson would make if he was filled with hate instead of love.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I got a job as a bounty hunter in China. Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!
My kids don't believe it when I tell them how in my day, you could get an avocado toast for just $7.
What do we want? TO STOP BEING EASILY OFFENDED When do we want it? THE TONE YOU'RE USING IS DISRESPECTFUL
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for you, slow down to test their door holding resolve.
The internet and social media is like digital mental illness. Some of it is happy, some of it is sad, but most of it makes you say 'wtf is wrong with this place?'
Daddy what is a transvestite? Ask your mommy He knows it.
What is a perfect society formed by a Asian called? A Yutopia
If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian Then soviet.
When I tell a gay joke people say I'm homophobic and it's hurtful to gay men. I'm not homophobic but I just think if you can take a cock up your ass, you can take a fucking joke.
A policeman stops a car... Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
What's the difference between Michael j. Fox and an earthquake? Earthquakes stop shaking
So far, the Puppy Bowl has managed to avoid controversy, mostly because puppies can't kneel.
What's the difference between a refugee and E.T? E.T learned English and wanted to go home.
What is 32% black, 45% white... ...gets lit up and changes to blue and red at night? Chicago.
Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations corny
[at petting zoo with our child] Me (whispers to wife): later when we get home, do you want me to take you to the heavy petting zoo? Wife: Do you mean sex? Me: Yup Wife:... Me:.... Wife: ... Okay, sure. Me (confused): I can't believe that worked
what does the Jewish pedophile say to an elementary school kid? Hey kid, want to buy some candy?
Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA
What is similar between the life of an Ethiopian kid and the hype of Call Of Duty: Infinite Warfare? They're practically non existent.
My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.
The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, "papers?" I said, " Scissors, I win" and drove off. I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician. And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money. So I got out of bed to look with him.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ? Because it's the scenter...
I once caught NASA's Curiosity rover flipping through my diary.
Children are amazing. My 1 year old got a hold of the TV remote for 5 seconds and in that time somehow managed to change the default menu language to Vulcan.
In 1836, a sewer worker accidentally discovered an old drain that ran directly into the Bank of England's gold vault. He wrote the bank's directors, requesting a meeting in the vault at an hour of their choosing. He popped out of the floor to greet them.
I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that's what makes me a woke bae.
Who won the Tour de France in 1940? the Sixth German Panzer Division
What do whores do on their days off? Spend their fucking money.
If the earth was flat and fish swam over the edge, where would they go? Trouter space.
No, Karen .... Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh is NOT a Jewish law firm.
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white? A Penguin rolling down a hill What's black and white and laughing? The penguin who pushed him
What do you call a crocodile that loves guacamole? A guacodile.
I make out with guys that wear Abercrombie & Fitch cologne because it rubs off on me & I love how it smells, but shopping there is SOOO gay.
Why can't black people get their PhD? They can't get past their masters. rofl
Amigo: Bro you look so young! What's your secret? Me: Naps
I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs. She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."
The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital. "How is she?" I asked "Very critical," replied the officer "The fuck is she complaining about now?"
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside.. So I called a toe-truck.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it Just in case there's a salad dressing
Sometimes you have to cook ur own food and jerk off in front of your girl to show her that she can be replaced.
Imagine how crazy cow sex must be... they're wearing leather all the time.
What have you done wrong if the wife keep complaining when you try to watch TV in the living room? You made the chain too long in the kitchen.
I was eating at an Indian restaurant when a homeless man came in and asked the girl behind the counter if they had any food he could have. She told him there was Naan.
My ex wife died so to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast] Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. The worst trick he pulled was that 'Got your nose' thing.
Soccer player calls his wife after a game... Player: "I scored two goals!!" Wife: "Great! What was the end scored?" Player: "1:1"
What do you call people who hate long sentences? Criminals.
Why do churches ban Wi-Fi? Because they're still waiting for the promised LAN.
Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!
My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.
A recently fired stock trader said: "This is worse than a divorce, I have lost everything and I still have my wife!" 
My wife has started wearing a 'Refugees Welcome' T-shirt and you are not going to believe how she has been treated. She's been chased, beaten, kicked, punched and spat upon. And she hasn't even left the house yet...
ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck. CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.
Motivational speaker: Do something that scares you every day Me: *Answers phone call from unknown number*
if going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions
I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You've probably seen our posters.
What do my wife and my math teacher have in common? They both love to create problems that I am apparently supposed to solve.
Before I met my wife I was incomplete.. Now I'm finished.
Me: Here's everything I ate today Calorie counting app: You're disgusting
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon. I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
What happens when you get more than you payed for with a Mexican Gigolo? The second coming of Jesus.
What's brown, black and blue and lays at the bottom of a ditch? A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes.
Does anyone know if doctors could take some of my butt flesh and graft it onto someone who isn't a relative? Ass skin for a friend.
My wife is upset we can't afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
My friend thinks he's smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Why is everyone investing in Ireland? ... because the capital is always Dublin!
Wife: I heard one of my coworkers refer to his wife as his 'old lady'. I hope you don't call me that when I'm not around. Me: I course I don't. Why would I refer to the person I care most for in the whole world with something so degrading? I call you my 'old battleaxe' Wife:...
What sound does a Japanese camera make? "Crick"
My wife said that if I don't get off the computer she'll slam my head on the keyboard... ....but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
How do you fit 4 gays on one barstool? Flip it over!
Mint Tea is a much better name than Mouthwash You Can Swallow.
I'm so glad we have a way to communicate with everyone on the entire planet. What a time to be alive where you have unlimited access to 7 billion people's opinions on politics and religion.
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
Why can't a priest take viagra? Because it says on the label to keep away from children
Goofy tripped over a stone and got hurt Mickey Mouse : Hey Goofy ! Are you okay? Goofy(crying) : No i got hurt on my knee!! Mickey Mouse : Oh No ! Which knee? Goofy(pointing to his leg) : Disney
Me: Where are my car keys? Brain: Not telling Me: Come on, please? Brain: Okay, fine I'll tell you.. but not until you're late for work M: Ugh
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000 Mario: Why? Judge: It's a fine. Mario: No itsa not.
To my fellow hikers: that noise I made when the butterfly came toward my face was a terrified shriek of delight.
wife: Do you want a bowl? me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Welcome to your 40s... you now enjoy bragging about how early you go to bed.
A heads up to girls on Facebook .. if your status says "single" and your profile picture is you with your cat - Well then no fucking shit
doctor: we're going to have to amputate your arm me: wow i gotta hand it to you- doctor: shut up me: ok
My Wife's will stated that she wanted her remains to be scattered at the school she used to teach at. I probably should have read the instructions a bit more carefully... Apparently, she wanted to be cremated first.
What do black people get after death? Nigger mortis
How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, but my basement's still dark
What kind of exercise do lazy people do ? Diddly-squats.
Michelle’s speech will be the ASMR video that lulls me to sleep for the next year.
What's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?
me: [opening spotify] does your car have bluetooth getaway driver: [holding bullet wound] shut the fuck up cop: [from intercom] pull over now other bank robber: i'll try to shoot out their tires me: great idea todd hey do you have an aux cord or anything
What is the most effective way to quit being vegan? Cold turkey.
So my lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday... They got me a Rolex. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".
In 2015, a Singapore Airlines cargo plane had to make an emergency landing after its load of 2,000 farting sheep set off a fire alarm.
What is black, heavy, and can't swim? A grand piano.
Restraining order Why did Mary get a restraining order against Black Beard the Pirate? He kept trying to plunder her booty.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet? Wait until he's finished.
Don’t tell Bradley Jackson to stick to a script ‘cause SHE AINT STICKING TO THE SCRIPT, BABY!!!!!
We're getting to a place where the Supreme Court seems less respectable than the Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Martha Stewart: you can't go wrong with festive centerpieces Me: you said you'd be chill if we let you smoke with us, Martha
Why was the horse kicked out of the country western bar? He was a homosexual.
Don't worry if a fat guy comes to kidnap you... I told Santa all I want for Christmas is you.
Did you hear about the blind porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!
I love my job working as an ambulance paramedic. I get to read some pretty funny, half-finished text messages...
Is that mine? I was walking down the street when I saw black guy with a laptop. Is that mine? I thought. It looks exactly like mine... but that can't be... Mine should be at home cleaning my shoes.
The Circle Of Life 2019 - Asking your kids for computer help so you can help your parents with theirs.
Don't you just hate it when the guy sucking you off turns out to be gay
What do you call an Asian penguin? A penguyen
The only thing Flat-Earthers fear Is sphere itself.
I like my women the way I like my coffee in a basket being touched by many Colombian men.
The clitoris has almost 8,000 nerve endings. But it's still not as sensitive as the woman it's attached to.
My wife has been walking around the house sighing for the last 20 minutes. I can't decide if I should ask her if something is wrong or just leave the house for a few days.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
A man on crutches walks into his local Ice-Cream shop.. He asks the lady behind the desk for a Knickerbocker Glory. She says; "Crushed nuts?" He says; "No, a sprained ankle"
[Air guitar competition] *Neil deGrasse Tyson walks in* 'Technically this is a 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, 0.9% argon, and 0.03% carbon dioxide guitar competition.'
I see my evil twin sit down in the audience. We've had our problems in the past, but I'm sure he won't spoil my recital. He seems to have a bag full of snakes. Probably unrelated.
What do you call it when a person has a fear of Vietnamese food? They have a Pho-bia!
Q: What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican? A: Oil of Ole'
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger... Then it hit me.
My wife's a biology teacher... This morning she asked how I wanted my eggs. I told her, "Ovariesy."
Possible Cure found for Dyslexia; A spokesman said... "There's light at the end of the toenail"
what do you call the offspring of two lesbians? A hermaphrodike
When your child has a public meltdown, the best thing you can do as a parent is look disgusted and pretend they're someone else's kid, because you don't need that kind of embarrassment in your life.
When I get old, instead of a walker, I'll use a shopping cart to help me walk... people will think Im homeless, and I probably will be.
How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb? None if nobody's looking.
This tweet is just a humblebrag that I can spell 'cantaloupe.'
Let's talk about sax, baby Let's talk about brass and reeds, Let's talk about all the woodwinds, strings, percussion, at the symphony.
My wife sent me a text that read, "If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!" I replied: I'm on the toilet please advise.
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants? Store worker: Why do you ask? Egg plant: Yeah, why do you ask?
White lies are fine. Don't tell a black lie though. Black lies matter. ROFL
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Apparently the scenes where "Dean becomes a woman"..they just simply used the "Sam" wig. Instant chick hair. Get it?
What do you call a muscular Arab A protein sheikh
My girlfriend said to me that she wanted me to tease her, so I said, "All right, fatty."
"In health, Black 40 is like the White 75." Have you had your colonoscopy? Blackish
Why isn't Hitler in Mario Kart? Because he cant finish a race
We could end all crime if we just sentenced convicts to lick the bottom of a Chuck-E-Cheese ball pit.
Wanna know what's the most racist game ever? Chess. They never EVER let Black go first.
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
Whats the hardest part about cooking vegetables? Fitting the wheel chain in the oven.
I was having sex with a woman last night and she kept screaming this other guys name. Who the hell is this "Rape" fellow, anyway?
What's the process for applying to a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."
What did Hitler say when he put on a blindfold? "I can Nazi."
A double-amputee walks into a bar Then he remembers he's already legless and walks out again.
Women prefer wireless bras because they're comfortable and they can connect to the internet.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that tiny thing?
What do Japanese cannibals eat? Rawmen What do Japanese criminals run from? Rawmen
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it. Eventually she came round.
Wife: 'I'm going to clone myself" Me: 'That would be just like you.'
My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
Good cop: Tell the truth and it'll be more better for you Bad cop: If you don't, it'll be worser Grammar cop: I hate both of you
[First day as a career counsellor] Them: I want a career where I make people happy every day Me: You should become a pizza delivery driver
Whats the difference between a canoe and a jew? One tips the other doesn't.
How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher? When the old one expects you to "do your share"
Nothing says "We have no faith in our own products" like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.
ME: I mean, you have super powers, we could go save those people right now. INTROVERTO: [wearing pajamas] But what if they think I'm weird?
What did the ship say to the sexy ice-berg? I'd hit that.
Why did the blond climb over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
Boss - Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here. Me - Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow. Boss - What time will you get here? Me - Monday.
strike leader: WHAT DO WE WANT crowd: A FAIR WAGE me: [way too late] A PET BEAR
Hello sir, I'm from your internet provider. You recently said that "homosexuality is wrong", so we've blocked you from seeing lesbian porn.
Why can't the Chinese be Nazis? Two Wongs don't make a Reich
This 'deep fake' technology is getting eerie. Today I spent fifteen minutes watching an Aerosmith concert, only to discover it was just a video of someone's scarf collection.
Everyone was excited to be at our autopsy club this evening. It was open Mike night.
ME: Wow, that documentary about WW2 was really intense. I'd like to watch more like that. NETFLIX ALGORITHM: May I suggest That 70's Show?
Why do midgets make bad parents? Cause they struggle to put food on the table
A bald guy in a turtleneck sweater looks 97% like a roll-on deodorant.
I like my women like i like my computer Turned on On my lap Virus free
Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final
My son was playing on one of his video games when he screamed out that he'd just won a life. I thought how ironic.
There are three ways to cook a hot dog: Boil, grill, and, I just discovered by accident, dry clean.
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means? I said "yeah, the drain is clogged again. "
Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.
Toddlers have it made. Imagine being so free from worrying about your appearance that you're not even bothered a bit that you're only wearing only one sock.
If you call someone from America American and someone from Mexico Mexican what do you call someone from Tibet? Chinese
Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me. Luckily, my other dad talked him out of it
Great candy bar: Charleston Chew. Not as great: Myrtle Beach Masticator.
"Here's a few magazines to get you started" 1. If you're European, something you might hear in a sperm bank.... 2. If you're American, something you might hear on your way to school...
A woman walks into a gynaecologist's office for an exam. She gets on the stirrups and the doctor says... "You have a really huge pussy. You have a really huge pussy." The woman replies, "You didn't have to say it twice." The doctor says, "I didn't.
A white couple doesn't just simply 'have a baby' without posting a pic of them showing her growing gut every day for 9 months.
After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.' 'Fair enough' I replied, and felt her breasts.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight. Sigh
Time to do the same thing I do every year at this time: hire the FBI to figure out who my Secret Santa was in 1995. I will find you, candle-giver.
The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi.
I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked. Then it just clicked
interviewer: what's been a lifelong dream of yours my brain: ok just say something normal- me: slappin a penguin right on the tummy
What do you call an overused tyre? Tyred.
My wife and I are like an old pair of shoes... one of us smells like old feet, and the other one has a really long tongue.
"There's this baby, up in nursery. He's brand new. No one's neglected him or damaged him yet. How do we get from there to here?"
Going to attempt a Mexican joke. Hope it's a good Juan!
Naming a child is hard. Do you name him something creative or original and risk that ruining his life? Or give him a normal name and let it be ruined by emotional baggage later on
I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them. corny
Fifty Shades of Grey was disappointing. All those blindfolds and not a single person swung at a pinata.
If my girlfriend has six oranges in one hand and seven apples in the other, what has she got? No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Some people bring blessings wherever they go, others whenever they go
LION TAMER: I'm a lion tamer. LION: For now.
Why do Jews always seem to find spare change laying around? They cents it.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? It's not enough to change the bulb; we have to change the *system*.
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.
Although, I've noticed a lot of Jews taking offence to 'Wu Ping Cough' on behalf of the Chinese... Ok then, Holocough it is.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
The other day I brought myself a universal remote and thought to myself well this changes everything.
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
What do you call a Jewish feline? A yama-cat
In Hell, the radio is only the Kars for Kids commercials.
The mountains aren't just funny, they're... Hill areas.
Me: Are you mad because I said you sound like a bell when you get mad? Her: DING DING DING
Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight? Sir Render.
What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
67 million Americans don't speak English at home. This includes my family because we don't say a word to each other.
What do you call a helpful lemon? Lemonaid.
What happens when a tree has a one night stand? It leaves.
What is a Muslims favorite type of vinegar? BalIslamic
I'm like a wild animal, girl... I'm more scared of you than you are of me.
I like when advertisements for Mercedes or BMW show in my social media timeline because of how much they have grossly overestimated my income.
Why did ancient Egyptians love beans? They made Tootin' Common.
Why were the two homosexual melons protesting at city hall? Because they cantaloupe
Simple way to get my kids to brush their teeth and do their homework: if they don't, they have to be a guest on my podcast.
romans: [whipping jesus] jesus: i swear this is one of those random boners
Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"
My friend got drunk and thinks he had sex with a prostitute... At first he wasn't sure, but then he was *positive*.
Never go to bed angry. Sleep on the couch.
My super power is apologizing to inanimate objects after accidentally walking into them.
Jew problems An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!" The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."
Alligators can live up to 100 years. Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
Two gay guys are hanging out, and one says to the other, "Hey, let's play hide and go seek! Loser gets fucked in the ass... I'll be behind the couch."
Yo momma's pussay is like the white house: No bush, and there's a black guy in there now.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers.
How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.
I try so hard not to upset my vegan girlfriend. I'm constantly treading on eggshells. Which she also doesn't approve of.
My lecture to a room full of cats was going great until I started pointing at things on the power point with the laser pointer.
A colorblind person logged onto Facebook the day SCOTUS legalized gay marriage... "Hey everyone, why are you all advertising for '50 Shades of Grey'?"
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Having finally given up my drug addiction, I dumped my weed in a house haunted by ghosts and now my spirits are high.
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility. If only they could see me now.
What do you call a prematurely born Chinese baby? Sudden Lee
Lady Doritos are a lot quieter, especially after you piss them off... then they really give you the silent treatment.
It's pretty hypocritical that you can't shorten the word abbreviation
[ultrasound] Dr: your baby is 7mm in length Me [whispering to wife]: ask him Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Twitter announced they will let advertisers target users based on the emojis they tweet. Bring it on, poop companies.
Yo momma so old.... She has a separate entrance for black men.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread [At the next table] Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
me: so i only get one phone-a-friend cop: can you stop calling it that
What did the husband tell his wife to do after he slapped her? The same thing he told her the first time!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
The best part of watching a toddler soccer game is when the coach calls a timeout and all the kids think they're in trouble.
Holocaust, the Musical. Putting the 'sing' back into ethnic cleansing.
*At a party* STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit? ME: No I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
WHat's the worst part of being a black jew? You have to sit in the back of the gas chamber
I'm sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns
What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Look at how dilated his pupils are. The Pillsbury Doughboy was totally on drugs.
A deaf person with one arm technically has a speech impediment
Did u hear about the leper poker game? everyone threw their hands in
My gf broke up with me, saying "You believe you're a Transformer. It's stupid." I said, "But, I can change!" She said, "There you go again!"
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I was so nervous when airport security started frisking me that I lifted my arms and accidentally started doing jumping jacks
"Ex -boyfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean, that's just, like, the rules of feminism." - Mean Girls
How to get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve...
*Seeing war break out* ME: Not to worry. This is just like a video game. *I take one step outside and immediately get killed by a 14-year-old*
What is the difference between Chinese people and Albinos? Chinese people have many Tans.
Don't trust people who don't put the lids on things properly
Trying to make a list of things that are worse than Mondays and all I've got so far is Hitler and Christian Rock.
I like my women how I like my bicycles. Chained up in the garage and two tired for movement.
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
What do you call it when a homosexual asks a question? A Query.
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad... He wanted to be a millionaire too.
I just found an origami porn channel, but it is paper view only.
My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Why do elephants drink? To forget.
If "berrylicious" isn't a real word then why do you know what it means?
What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo.
Why do horses have such a low divorce rate? Because they're all in stable relationships.
Why do all online recipes have endless pages of the chef’s whole life story about the recipe and then on the 12th page is the actual recipe? I just want the recipe! I don’t need the Modern Love essay on how you came up with it!
I watched the bonus features on a porn movie today. It just showed a woman crying in the shower, washing all the cum out of her hair.
Heard a news story about a village in Africa where everyone's dying of thirst. I sent them a Get Well Soon card.
The best thing about being black is that you won't have ginger kids.
Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot
Girls at hooters may be hot. but when it comes down to it, the ladies at subway are the real wife material..
Inspirational tweet: Don't spend too much time writing and reworking your tweets, because when you're done they're probably just going to suck anyway.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell today. Technically he said, 'Less McDonald's' but I'm pretty sure I knew what he meant.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get math joke
What kind of weed do reptiles smoke? Mariguana. corny
Today's recipe for increasing anxiety: Bach's Brandenburg Concertos P.G. Wodehouse's Mulliner Nights Susanna Clarke's Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell Louis Armstrong's Hot 5 Listening to Amy Poehler read her memoir "Yes, Please." Not all at once obviously. That would be chaos.
What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs.
*hot lady looks at me* Me: Hi! Do I know you? Lady: No I think I'm mistaken. *awkward pause* Me: So...is there a mister taken? *hit by bus*
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie? He only eats Brians.
My dad told me to make little things count? So now I'm teaching maths to dwarfs.
I finish reading the part of the bible about The Virgin Mary. I close the book, gently place it down on the table, shake my head, and take a deep breath. 'Wow. Relatable.'
I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned  and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen."
My body is a temple in that people lower their heads and cross themselves when they see it.
*phones Christian radio station "Can I request Highway To Hell?"
Congrats Hugo Fernandez re: Great Lakes/Navy error. I bow to your expertise & Batmans self made cardboard utility belt
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts. Cause a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Prison may be just one word. But to others, it's a whole sentence
Today at the church, the lady next to me lit a cigarette and started smoking it... I almost dropped my beer in shock.
Irishman applies for a job at a Blacksmiths. The Blacksmith asks "Have you ever shoed a horse?" The Irish man replies, "No, but I once told a Donkey to fuck off."
*She gazes lovingly into my eyes* HER: What are you thinking about? ME: [remembering my contractual obligations] How Lexus continues to redefine luxury year after year.
why don't blondes make good cowgirls? they can't keep their calves together
If I could only listen to one album for the rest of my life, I would probably wonder what kind of fascist regime I was living under.
What tea do rich people buy? Property.
Life hack: Use the waterproof mascara so it doesn't run when you're crying while your is wife yelling at you after catching you putting on her make up.
I'm a recovering alcoholic... And by that, I mean I'm hungover.
What do you call a Muslim standing between two buildings? Ali
Wanna go somewhere that has FREE WINE?' Me: Heck yes! 'Done. Pick you up Sunday at 8am!' Me: What?! -how I got tricked into going to church
It's surprising that you can't put your penis in an electrical socket. I was shocked!
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. They're an efficient people, but not very funny.
What's a group of chubby newborns called? Heavy infantry
What does a house wear? Address.
What do you get when you combine 99 lesbians and a politician? 100 people that don't do dick
At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
How are a grenade and a girlfriend similar? If they're good ones, they'll both blow really well.
I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.
I have no idea how she died, your honour. All I know is she was alive when I buried her.
My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike. I rode on, ruthlessly.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
What's the best thing about being black? Not having to listen to awful dad jokes. sorry
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
In 2011, Queen Elizabeth II agreed to act in a James Bond skit with Daniel Craig for the Olympics, breaking royal protocol. When asked if she wanted a speaking part, she replied, "Of course I must say something. After all, he is coming to rescue me."
A baby gender reveal party, but instead of a pink or blue cake, a giant cake where a male or female stripper jumps out.
My son asked me "Dad, what are condoms used for?" Me: "Usually, to avoid answering questions like these."
Lost an electron Really gotta keep an ion them.
-Give it to me straight doc. -You'll never walk again. -Now give it to me gay. -You'll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.
Sad Craigslist ad: 'Seeking a second and third for a 3-way.'
What do a grenade and a woman have in common? You remove the ring and your whole house is gone
I thought I had hypochondria... ...turned out it was all in my head.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn't expecting I'd be dissecting so many white mice.
People say the back of my head looks really nice. But I don't see it.
What do Muslims eat for Thanksgiving? Quran-berries!
What's the difference between acetone and Hitler? One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish.
I have a friend who's half Indian. Ian
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
What Does A Chinese Man Need When Taking his Dog Out? Oven mitts.
If bumblebees truly do communicate through dance, what are the white ones supposed to do?
Why was the transvestite always angry? cross-dressing
FYI: The "duct" in "duct tape" is short for the tape's intended purpose - abducting people.
Why are Muslims so good at driving at night? Because that's when they brake fast.
My doctor asked if I drink to excess. I told him I'll drink to anything.
The hardest decision to make at midnight on New Year's Eve is what room of the house you want to hide and cry in.
It's hard watching your wife punish your kid after finding a horsy drawn on the wall in crayon. She just did such a good job parenting, I didn't have the heart to tell her I drew it.
They say 1 in 4 men is homosexual. So there must be one in my group of friends. I hope its David he's super cute.
Why couldnt Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman.
What do beekeepers say when they go to work? "Alright, let's get down to beeswax!"
How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving
I asked my wife why she married me. She said "Because you're really funny." I said: "I thought it was because I'm good in bed." She said: "See? You're hilarious."
I gave my friend an elephant for his room. He said "thank you". I said "don't mention it".
A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door today so I invited him in, gave him tea and biscuits and said to him, "So, what's this Jehovah's Witness thing about then?" "I haven't got a fucking clue" He replied. "I've never got this far before!"
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make things interesting." So we stopped playing chess.
I was screwing this African woman last night, she kept yelling the N word It was really hard to concentrate with her screaming no the entire time
Seven has "even" in it. That's odd.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious WIFE: those are daily vitamins ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can't find the remote
My cow won't give any milk... She is an udder failure.
Did you year about the chinese male prostitute? He'll give you a Bro-Job.
My favourite sex position is the JFK: I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
What's the worst part about necrophilia? When you get stiff before she does.
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you're smiling? Ha! I made you smile.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Two teenagers knocked on my door and then ran away, so I chased them down the street and down a dark alley where they beat me up and stole my wallet.
Sometimes I have to sleep in the guest bedroom because my wife snores, but I don't want to embarrass her so I tell people it's because of her farts.
This holiday season, give your co-workers the gift that says "I got you this candle": a candle.
[house hunters] Me: I want a house with his and hers toilets in the same bathroom so my wife and I can talk to each other while we poop Wife: I want a divorce
What do you call a priest that's also a lawyer? A father in law
A german tourist arrives at Warsaw airport. The immigration office asks: 'Occupation?''. The german responds: 'No, just holiday''
SON: I went viral, dad... ME: Congratulations! I always knew your memes would bring clout to this family. SON: No, not for a meme, for saying something stupid. ME: [already pulling out my phone to publicly cancel my son] You live in the woods now.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre = Movie Florida Chainsaw Massacre = Headline
That magic feeling on Christmas morning after all gifts are opened and your family room looks like an episode of Hoarders.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
Today one of my friends knocked on my door instead of texting 'here', just like our ancestors used to.
Finding a girlfriend is a lot like fishing... There are plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just you holding your rod until you catch one.
I'm so tired of these lumberjack magazines setting completely unrealistic standards. My wife reads this crap and then starts questioning how stout and hearty I am. So now I have to start ordering flapjacks every time I go out to eat? Jesus, it's almost 2020, what are we doing?
I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it Apparently, she left me a few days ago
Why are so many African Americans moving to Detroit? Because they hear there are no jobs there.
What's the difference between a black man and a bike? The bike doesn't start singing when you put a chain on it.
A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?". I happily replied "Yes". She took away the extra chair in front of me.
The best part of having a toddler is getting to enjoy those precious adorable moments where someone you love more than anything in the world screams in your face and hits you before throwing a temper tantrum.
MY WIFE: [Dressed as Meg Ryan] When you said you had a fantasy based on the movie You've Got Mail I assumed you'd be dressed as Tom Hanks. ME: [Dressed as a computer] Shhhh. Talk with your fingers.
I'm 60 days clean now. It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.
What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction? Wander woman.
[Deathbed Confession] I wish I'd listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.
I have an addiction to Mexican food. But I don't like to taco bout it.
If I had a dollar for every gender that there is... If I had a dollar for every gender that there is, I'd have 2 dollars.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context." Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."
I'm the kind of guy who doesn't live by the rules, I do whatever I like. And what is it that I like to do? Follow the rules.
Protip: Get out of giving your wife a back rub by telling her you were touching a dead bird outside
I'm interested in this girl who only dates Catholic guys... ... I guess you could call me a pope-less romantic
My girlfriend and I always like to laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh with more intensity and greater strength.
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
A black woman had 5 sons name Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone and Tyrone.... How did she tell them apart? She called them by their last names
I like how we say "vegan" now instead of "eating disorder".
What do you call a chameleon that can't change its colors anymore? A reptile dysfunction.
Where do most black people work? In jail
Surprise someone who tries to fistbump you by shoving their entire hand in your mouth
Callie: "Are you okay?" Arizona: "Do I look okay?!"
Who decided to call it a funeral procession and not a deadline
Why don't Native Americans like April? April Showers bring May flowers, and Mayflowers bring fucking white people.
What do Russians and gays have in common? They both like bears.
Santa works one night a week then spends the rest of the year cranking out his podcast.
Asians are actually turning into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, watch out for Asians turning.
Your momma so fat... Her aides close lanes on the George Washington Bridge
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with "two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips."
How do you make a big apple crumble? First, you'll need two planes... Happy 9/11 people.
My mom used to feed my brother and I by saying 'here comes the train', and we always used to eat it right away...otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks
The main difference between putting a toddler to bed and working with people at a mental institution is the people at the mental institution can be reasoned with.
This afternoon, I was attacked by a group of gay men. I didn't know how to escape. I had to beat them off left and right
The Chinese are like a box of Chocolates They kill dogs.
When you start thinking too hard about whether the fruit flies came into your house with the fruit, or if they are hiding in your house waiting for the fruit.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
*cop approaches me* "have u seen this girl?" *holds up photo* "yeah I've seen her, NAKED" *hi-5* "haha but seriously shes in my trunk"
During a job interview I poured water into a cup and it overflowed slightly. "Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I said "No I always give 110%"
Careers Advisor to American student: "What do you want to be when you leave college?" Student: "Alive".
What happened when the Jew with a boner walked into a wall? He broke his nose.
terrorist: [pulls my head up from the water] give us the truth damnit me: [gasping] james marsden should be in more movies terrorist: well yes but
take more than 5 minutes to respond to a text and she will think you are not paying attention to her
me: [over intercom] what's the only job where it's okay to get high at work passengers: me: a pilot lol passengers: oh thank god me: anyway if you look to your left you should see a dragon
A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.
[at a bar] *sees hot chick check me out* *writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her* *she reads note* "STOP STARING IT'S RUDE"
I really love the way the earth rotates... It makes my day. rofl
My roommate told me my clothes look gay. I told him to have some respect. They just came out of the closet.
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper Scissors.
What do you call an Indian man standing on one leg? Balan Singh.
Why do gay people smile so much? It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
Where do bad rainbows go? Prism.
Today i have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee. Brocco Lee
What wine pairs best with doing your taxes?
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick. How low can you get?
My buddy told me this hilarious joke earlier about Albert Einstein getting a handjob... What a stroke of genius! ROFL
Did you hear about the Egyptian boatman who refused to believe his craft was sinking? He was in denial
A Woodworm walks into a bar... And asks: 'Is the bar tender here?'
I hate arguing with my wife, but I like what comes after a big argument... she gives me the silent treatment and I get to play video games
Me: I bet I'd make a great superhero Also Me: (sees a family with car trouble parked on the side of the road) I'm sure someone else will help them
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. The odds were against me.
There's only 1 rule in learning English. Their our know rules.
[getting on airplane] *hands boarding pass* Airline Employee: Where's your wife's pass? Me: She doesn't need one. She's my emotional support wife *employees look at each other* Airline Employee: Dammit, he's got us there *everyone in airport slow claps as we get on plane*
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one. rofl
What did the blonde say when she looked down at her bowl of Cheerios? Look, donut seeds!
My friend told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!" I said, "Well, they were separated at birth."
The horse and the horse whisperer abruptly stop laughing when I enter the stable. I fork hay with my back to them. They will not see me cry.
Religious groups put on performances for an audience The Christians put on a hell of a show, the Jews knocked their socks off, but the Muslims blew them all away.
What did the sheep say when he saw his girlfriend? Baaaaaeeeee!
A woman in India has given birth to a 23 pound baby. Doctors say little Sanjeev will be walking six months before his mum.
Staying in every night and watching sitcom reruns, it's like every night is Prom Night.
How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool? You say "can you please get out of the pool?"
Me: What are you up to? Her: I'm making Chinese. Me: Cloning's unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Nothing more embarrassing than having to ask the person in the stall next to you if they have a phone charger.
The home improvement shows never mention how when you start a renovation project, you'll not only have to rebuild your house but also your marriage.
In an effort to be sexier for my wife, I figured I'd pluck 60% of my chest hair... 3 of the 5.
I've just downloaded the Asian date rape app to my new phone. Or Uber as it's more commonly known.
My wife says I make too many puns about sweat. I'm not sure what she's saunabout
What do you say if your peeing in Ireland and spot a leprechaun? Urine luck
I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough. Turns out my parents weren't even related.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
What did the overbearing mother melon say to her son and his girlfriend? You Cantaloupe.
I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for assault. I punched a black guy in the shopping centre today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.
[God making humans] God: Make eating food one of the most enjoyable things ever for them Angel: Good idea! God: Then punish them for doing it by making them fat! HAHAHA!! Angel: ...Are you having problems at home?
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, cause they're to short to be an essay!!!
They say don't go grocery shopping while you're hungry. But it's been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.
When I take my wife on dates, I don't open the door for her. It's not that I'm not chivalrous, it's just that the door on the bus opens itself.
What if Islam is actually a nice, peaceful, tolerant religion after all and they're just doing it wrong because they read from right to left?
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman decided to have a BBQ. The Englishmen brought some meat, the Irishman brought some whiskey and the Scotsman brought some dude from Aberdeen.
What do you call a fruit that is a vegetable? A crippled homo.
It's so hot out I keep dunking my head into my relationship with my father.
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
Got that experimental throat surgery that lets me sing barbershop quartets without having to make 3 friends.
What would you call the Islamic State if they tried to take over Antarctica? Ice-is 
I dated a girl in a wheelchair. She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
If you slap a christian girl on the ass... Would she turn the other cheek?
What does Paddy Irishman says when he meets a one legged jockey? How're you gettin' on?
A man who has no right arm and no right leg falls off his wheelchair Thankfully, a woman passing by noticed him and approached him, offering some help. "Are you alright?" "No, I'm not. I'm all left."
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public? A private tooter.
The only time you should sing “happy birthday” slowly is when you’re using it to time your hand washing
A vegan said to me those who sell meat are disgusting. I said those who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
I had a race with an Asian today It was a Thai
I was researching converting to Mormonism until I found out you have to give them 10% of your income I guess I'm Jewish.
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.
Scientists have detected an unexplainable radio signal coming from space. In other words, now even God has a podcast.
Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You? Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I'm singing it won't hold me.
What's the worst thing about being black and jewish? Having to sit in the back of the oven.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish person? None.
Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849? Because there was gold in them/their hills.
Scientist: our large brains are what allows us to survive so successfully 10,000 Year Old Tree: k
What does a Nintendo 64 and an old woman have in common? You have to blow the dust off before you stick it in. haha
I have a drug problem. The DEA keep taking them away!
My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Well, joke's on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him. [126 minutes]
I thought landlady was the opposite of mermaid?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats. Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep? "Shhh let sleeping dogs lie."
*After the hootenanny* ME: [angrily throwing a glass of bourbon into the fire] YOU TOLD ME THAT WOULD BE A SHINDIG!
What's long and hard on a black guy? The first grade
My boss came to me at lunch: "Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to find you all morning!" I shrugged and said: "Good employees are hard to find."
People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.
After experimenting with lots of different drug and booze combinations, I finally discovered the Whisky, Valium and Heroin combo. Now the baby sleeps right through the night.
ME: I'm working on a joke. What's the most popular brand of sunglasses in the ocean? FRIEND: Ummmm... Manta Ray-Bans? ME: [crossing 'fish sunglasses' off of my index card] Yes. Exactly what I had written here.
WIFE: Let's role-play ME: OK W: U be a teacher *I get up & leave* W: Where u going? M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I've got to do?
Whenever I want a little peace and quiet, I just fill a studio with 200 people and go out and do a monologue.
me: i was attacked by ninjas- doctor: says here you kicked a target cement sphere to see if it would bounce
Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!" Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."
My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating. There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon
what do you call an arab vegatarian a muslim fondalentalist
If there was a gym in my house. I would definitely pay $80 a month to not go to it.
ME: What has skin, and eyes, but no heart? LINDA: Um, a potato? ME: Close, Linda, close. *I hand Linda a picture of her kissing my best friend*
A woman is naked and looking at herself in a mirror. She says: "Jake, look at me. I'm old and wrinkly, my teeth look terrible, I'm getting fat, my boobs are starting to sag... I could really use a compliment right about now." Jake replies: "Your eyes are still really good."
Why do lesbians shop at Dunham's? Because they don't like Dick's.
A guy told me that all the pain and suffering in the world was God's fault.. so I kicked him in the junk because I knew he wouldn't blame me.
The gay agenda: 8:00- Live like everyone else 9:00- Live like everyone else 10:00- Live like everyone else 11:00- Live like everyone else
I like to relax after a hard day at work by arguing with strangers on the internet.
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: 'Good news please.' Doctor: 'We're naming a disease after you.'
Sometimes when things go bad, I only have other people to blame. I love that.
I wonder whether transparent coffins will ever catch on Remains to be seen
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick... It's two chicks fighting over a pair of shoes.
Why is the ocean so salty? Because the land doesn't wave back.
What do you call rich Mexicans? The Juan percent.
My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper, but she screamed when I brought her one.
Why Chinese vet never hungry? Dog have rice.
What do a baby and a pancake have in common? If it's black it ain't good
I'm trying to learn the alphabet but I can't get past X. I don't know why.
I buy recycled games at GameStop because I care about the environment and because I can't afford the new ones.
The Beirut explosion just shows how badly covid is affecting the world. Even the terrorists are working from home.
Alright Fortnite queers. We're all back to Level 1!!!!!!!!!
My grandfather's holocaust stories aren't half as depressing as the contestant interview segment on Jeopardy.
What is a chinese homosexual videogamer called? Gay Ming
The only time it's appropriate to tell someone 'it's the least I could do' is after they say 'thanks for nothing' to you.
Remember not to laugh at your ex wife's choices. You were one of them.
I'm sending our Christmas cards. Can I get everyone's address and credit card number/expiry date?
What is the longest word in the feminist dictionary? Antidickstablishmentarianism.
Feel free to introduce your boyfriend to gay friends. If he truly loves you, none of them could 'snatch' him from u.
Moshe was walking down the street and gets run over by another Jewish driver. The driver speeds away and yells out the window "Watch Out"! Moshe responds "Why? Are you coming back?
Nearly half of every single one of my paychecks gets taken by a group who doesn't want anyone to hold them accountable, doesn't understand the value of a dollar, and who get more expensive every year. I am of course talking about my children.
When I take my shirt off in the summer, I have the type of body that makes people feel jealous because they can tell I've been eating lots of delicious foods.
Michael J. Fox is extremely formal... ...he even shakes hands with his wife.
I scream, you scream, we all scream because there's a bee in the car
What do you call an Asian guy that always shows up before he needs to? Earl Lee
I was feeling horny and needed some relief. I asked my fat wife for sex and she said "No" You have no idea what a relief that was.
I'm going to open a French-Vietnamese restaurant serving fake noodles.... I'll call it Faux Pho.
me: [checking my email] every restaurant i've ever been to: ok here's the deal i will suck your dick if you order delivery right now
I have the heart of a lion.. .. and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother's criticism for the first time.
Eminem is afraid of giraffes. He doesn't like their necks.
Do you remember the name of the Italian/Vietnamese restaurant we went to? Yeah! It was great, how could I "Pho-get-abouttit"
Feminist are boycotting James Coney Island.. They claim it's all about the wieners
My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..
My girlfriend says a 4" penis is just fine. Still, I wish she didn't have one.
A priest, minister, and rabbi walk into a bar... It hurt
I just realized my countertop is made of marble.. I've been taking it for granite for years.
How can you tell if an envelope is gay? It comes in the mail.
Did Jesus ever get drunk? Not sure, but I heard he got hammered once.
Job Interviewer "do you have any special skills?" Me - "I can eat gluten"
Want to drive women wild with your tongue? Simple... All you have to say is "Have you put weight on?"
Why did the prostitute join the Mormon church? She wanted a high paying missionary position.
Where do pots go on vacation? JaPAN! From my 9 year old.
I'm a practicing Catholic But I'm not ready to go pro just yet.
The inventor of knock knock jokes should win a no-bell prize.
Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn. In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."
I judge a good pair of yoga pants by the number of hip and ankle flask pockets.
What do you call a little Mexican child? A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay.
Bruce Jenner, substantiated proof... Women are worse drivers.
Some of my colleagues sign their emails with "cheers", "sincerely" or "kind regards" followed by their names, which is gay AF. I prefer to use "you've made a powerful enemy today I'm coming for you" You should try it.
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig. But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
What did the Muslim bring to the Holiday party? Falafel and hummus.
One zebra says to the other, "I'm going to check out that patch of nice green grass over there . . . . . . I'll be white black."
The baby name "Karen" is predicted to go extinct in just a few years.
Whenever I hear applause in a song, instead of people clapping, I like to imagine it's the artist cooking bacon.
I wish burps were contagious like yawns
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she's not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I'm not digging her grave in the garden.
Never understood the point of black friday Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month
After marriage, most couples have a honeymoon period. Mine got hers as we got on the plane.
Boss: Any ideas on what we can call this insanely sticky adhesive? Employee: How about crazy glue? Boss: Hmmmm... won't people be upset because it's insensitive to the mentally ill? Employee: Yes.... so we'll spell it with a K. They'll never pick up on it. Boss: Perfect
How does Amazon Mexico pay its employees? In Jeff Pesos.
You know you're getting old when you start lying to yourself about how young you still look
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza? The anti-crust.
The greatest trick my wife ever pulled was telling me she didn't want anything for valentines
The main reason I don't need to drink a lot of water is that I get it from the humidity in the air because I always walk with my mouth open.
How is being a Jew like eating a burrito? It's really not a problem until they give you gas.
My kids think Edvard Munch is the guy who did a painting of the scream emoji.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
I like my coffee how I like my slaves... Free.
How to dress like Lady Gaga: 1. Go to ikea. 2. Pick a object that doesn't belong on your head. 3. Put it on your head.
Three-inch dick: 'It's tiny!' she laughed. Three-inch spider: 'It's enormous!' she screamed. So I've had a spider tattooed on my dick.
I put deodorant on only one armpit. I don't smell half bad. corny
What was the Rabbi's favorite frozen treat? Jew-lato
Most quotes attributed to Mark Twain were actually said by someone else' - Mark Twain
There was a four-car reck in Mexico today... 93 people died
Me: they call me the negotiator You: no they don't Me: they do You: nope Me: yup they do You: ok fine Me: THE NEGOTIATOR STRIKES AGAIN
My dentist removed the wrong tooth. It was acci-dental.
Whenever you have to wear a name tag, make sure to draw a blue check mark beside your name so everyone knows it's really you and not some imposter
I bought someone's groceries today and it felt really good... I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
What did the black kid get on his SAT? Barbecue sauce
On January 9, 1493, Christopher Columbus saw three mermaids and said they were "Not half as beautiful as they are painted." They were manatees.
I've started investing in stocks... Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches? Because then it would be a foot.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping. That was a rude awakening.
Years from now, historians will look back on this period of American History and move to Canada.
Welcome to your forties. Your joints now sound like fire crackers going off.
Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I'm googling how to get paid without leaving my house
I just broke up with my blind girlfriend. We just didn't see eye to eye anymore.
Why can't two Asians have a white baby? Because two wongs don't make a white
I got chatting to a black chick in the pub last night and she asked if I fancied taking her home. "Fuck off" I told her " I'm not driving to Africa at this time of night".
Deanmon goes back for the porn mag after the kill... Classic. Good call Bob Singer.
Yo momma is so fat her butt is the butt of every joke.
My girlfriend asked me why I was blow-drying my crotch... Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the response she was looking for.
Damn girl are you a newspaper? Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day
Looking forward to another rocking New Year's Eve with Ryan Seacrest, which is what I named my full body pillow.
What do pigs and ink have in common? They both belong in a pen.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.
Today the Government's Furlough scheme has kicked in and now I am only receiving 80% of what I should be paid. Finally, I know what it feels like to be a woman.
"I take it you are from America Madam?" "How rude!!, just because I'm a little overweight you assume I'm American?" "No Madam, this is a supermarket, but unlike in your country, we don't sell guns."
I’m laughing at these ladies waking up and being like Hey wanna become gay icons today?
What do you call the Mexican version of the NSA? Jalapeno Business...........
What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
me: [absolutely killing it on harmonica] taco bell cashier: are you gonna order
*Ted receiving best dentist award at the dentist awards* This is the only plaque that's allowed in my house *laughter* You the king, Ted!
A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"! A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!
My aggressive driving made at least a dozen people angry this morning, but it was worth it because I got to work 15 seconds earlier.
My mother-in-law's text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law's rage isn't really from Vietnam.
Do the people of Denmark appreciate the fact that their nationality is also a delicious treat?
What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear. corny
You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it? Run for President.
Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics? Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.
What did Mr. Freeze do with his wife on their first date? Netflix and chill.
My roommate claims i'm schizophrenic. Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
What did the Mexican Firefighter name his twin sons? José and Hose B corny
What does a lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
I prefer farm-to-sink, because that's where I'm standing when I eat most of my meals.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? I don't like my pizza burnt.
Guide for how to do joke Twitter correctly: 1) Write your funny idea 2) Rework it 3) Rework it again 4) Post it 5) Wait 10 seconds 6) Panic and second guess yourself 7) Delete it 8) Cry
My Viagra addiction... Was the hardest time of my life.
What's a redneck's favorite type of bread? Inbred
Moneysaver: Any swing is a sex swing if you have sex in it.
Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?' Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] ...'The men I please are none of your damn business!'
Queer Irishman Sean: Did ya here the one about the queer Irishman? Brian: No. Sean: Seems he was spotted leaving the pub at 11 o'clock with a girl. Brian: So? Sean: Closing time's one.
When it comes to Arab countries, the US is like that damaged girl who dates bad boys, "because I can change him."
There used to be a time when we didn't have access to all the world's knowledge while sitting on the toilet.
I do believe that “pithy” is the faggiest word possible in existence.
What was the first lie you remember telling your parents? For me it was either 'I don't know who started the fire' or 'I'm sure there won't be any fires at the next house we move to'
Did you know vampires arent real? Unless you Count Dracula.
Celebrities are called stars because they're hot, not very bright, unattainable and destined to eventually collapse into a black hole.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbour, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?" She laughed: 'No, this is an old fashioned watch. You have to look at it!'
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
Where does a Jewish farmer become a man? At his Barn Mitzvah
It's called a 'travel' mug because a 'driving to work while cursing your life' mug doesn't sound as nice
My wife is turning 32 soon. I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. "After all," I said, "The celebrations are only going to last half a minute." "What are you talking about?" she asked. I said, "It's your thirty-second birthday."
What's the difference between firewood and a jew? The firewood ain't been turned into ash yet.
'Cash my gold' Or if you're black: 'Cash their gold'
I was actually there the day scientists named the Daddy Long Legs. The spider symposium went nuts. People were cheering, dancing in the aisles, tearing their lab coats off... Doubt I'll ever witness anything that invigorating again.
A gypsy girl tells her mum she's pregnant, "Congratulations" says her mum... "Do you know who the father is?"... "Mum.... if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
How do you excite an idiot? I'll tell you later.
Sometimes I think the bulk packages at Costco are too large. Who needs 12 condoms?!
Sometimes I think Gen Z is okay. And then I see how many people support 6ix9ine. 🤢
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast. corny
SLASH: My band is called Guns SLASH'S MOM: No SLASH: ..and roses. You didn't let me finish. Guns and Roses SLASH'S MOM: That's better, Saul
Horror movies in the 50's were just mysteries with extra cobwebs and two well-timed lightning cracks. Horror movies now are like: 'Your addiction to technology woke up the devil and he's spent the last thousand years thinking up some weirdly elaborate sexual torture techniques'
Cris to Alex: "What are you plotting? And can I get in on it?"
What do you get when you combine a black guy and an octopus? nobody knows actually but it will be perfect for picking cotton.
Nothing sends a chill more than an Apple Watch face auto-switching to Mickey Mouse.
Why did the sad ghost use an elevator? To lift his spirits.
Not to brag, but I just beat my own high score on the mini arcade game at Walmart... and by mini arcade game, I mean blood pressure machine.
What do you call a White Crocodile? A Crocasian
What is your favorite performance experience?Auntie Red Tweet Tea
A Jew walks into a wall with an erection. Gets a broken nose. 
Start again. Still not getting it.' - Time traveling Thomas Jefferson, after I tried to explain Twitter to him.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::
Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast
I used to have an imaginary friend and we went everywhere together. I used to talk to him but he never spoke back but I could always guess what he would say. Then one day I grew up and realised he wasn't real. That's why I don't go to church anymore.
Shark Tank idea: a microwave that will self-destruct if someone tries to use it to cook fish.
I made a club about erectile dysfunction. It was a flop, nobody came
If God hates gays so much, why didn't he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he's more pissed that you're jealous of your friend's PS4
What do you call an Egyptian butt? A sphinxter
*A man accidentally bumps me* MAN: Sorry. ME: No problem, man! *Later, in my journal* ME: "Sorry" he says? SORRY?!? "Sorry" doesn't unwrinkle my coat. "Sorry" doesn't return the time that was stolen from me. "Sorry" is a glass of water after I've already died from dehydration
Can someone get me some rohypnol or chloroform? I've got a date tomorrow tonight and she doesn't know yet.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance. Unfortunately, she blew it.
Having small kids isn't as bad as you think it is, it's worse.
I'm now at the point in my married life where I even put toilet seats down in gas station restrooms, just in case my wife might go in there.
Why is there such a shortage of teachers in Africa? Teacher's aides
How many Mormons do you take fishing with you? Two. If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
My ex works in a pharmacy so whenever I want to piss her off I go there and buy condoms for no reason. Sometimes I go there 3 times a day.
Me: I'm trying to eat healthier nowadays. Are these taquitos free range? 7/11 Employee: ... ?
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless
When my wife says 'we need to talk', it actually means she's going to talk a lot and I'm going to sit there and listen.
"Daddy, there's a monster in the kitchen!" my daughter screamed. I can't believe she's gone this long before seeing her mum without makeup!!
[at the chiropractor] Chiropractor: What needs adjusting? Me: My whole life. I'm hoping you can take care of it by breaking my neck like they do in the movies?? Chiropractor: ...
My professor accused me of plagiarizing His words, not mine.
Why did the Muslim cross the road? To get to the bigger crowd
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then. God, I love my new Taser...
If you leave a baby in a car in summer, with no water or ventilation, it could be dead in fifteen minutes. Leave the heater on as well, wait another thirty minutes and the meat just falls off the bone.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.
My mate sold me a guitar for £5... No strings attached haha
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Why did the Muslim cross the.... BOOM! Oh, I see.
My boyfriend and I are Cherokee Indians. He stood me up at our favorite restaurant last night... But it's OK. I don't think we could have stayed anyway, we didn't have a reservation.
NORAD tracking Santa? Really? That's what my tax dollars are going to? You're tracking a fictitious fat dude?
I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof. I was shocked.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King... ...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Tinder is the Night' Update A Fitzgerald Novel Hashtags With Only One Response
Cargo shorts are the minivan of fashion... you get a pass only if you're married with kids, otherwise people will assume there's something wrong with you.
Why do people think Jesus is coming back? He wasn't nailed to a fucking boomerang.
Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf Guy: do you mean polo? Me: [realizing he isn't classy enough to know about horse golf] yes
What do you call a woman in heaven? An Angel A crowd of women in heaven? - A host of Angels And all women in heaven? - PEACE ON EARTH!
A vulture gets on a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says, "Sorry sir, only one carrion item per passenger."
Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
God: "At least I didn't get FAT." Buddha: "At least I didn't get CRUCIFIED."
Some of my closest friends might describe me as "deceitful". Jokes on them though. They aren't my friends.
I'm getting my girlfriend a prosthetic leg for Christmas It's a great stocking-filler.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair Now we call them chairies
My Grandfather was one of those Unorthodox Jews. He was a Nazi.
Why is their always lightning in France? Obviously, since lightning takes the path of least resistance.
I do this thing where I put my wallet and keys somewhere in my house and then my brain withholds the information about where they are. It's a fun game of hide and seek I like to play with myself.
[first day as a pirate] Pirate: That's not why they call it a poop deck. Me: Oh. My bad
I got fired from my lawn maintenance job. I was just not cutting it.
her dad: [shaking my hand] nice to finally meet you my brain: ok don't make it weird me: [a little too loud] one time i swallowed a grape like a pill
I know this is gonna get me cancelled, but: I like the Idina Geico commercial.
The show "Toddlers and Tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in Training" and "Mothers with Self-esteem Issues" just wasn't as catchy.
What do you call a group of well-endowed, homosexual physicists? Large hardon colliders
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back. corny
Why did the kid eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake. corny
I never get more than halfway through my sci-fi movie pitch before my therapist says, "our time is up."
The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.
What do you call an Arab who owns 5,000 cows A Milk Sheikh.
me: [sadly] just leave the bottle there bartender: [setting down the apple juice] ok
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day. Teach a man to fish and he's going to spend a fortune on gear he'll only be using twice a year.
My wife asked me... "Shall we go bowling or stay at home?" I replied..."I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
WHAT DO WE WANT? "Hearing aids." "WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?" "Hearing aids."
What's the difference between a white story and a black story? A white story starts with "Once Apon a Time" and a black story starts with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this"
The other day I told a girl, "You look great without glasses." Girl: "I don't wear glasses." Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."
This lesbian couple came into my restaurant with a newborn baby in their arms. "He's so cute," I said as I tickled his forehead... "Boy or girl ?" "'It' will decide for itself once it's 12 years old," they hissed.
What do call a fish with a Phd? A brain sturgeon.
Started stockpiling plastic straws for after the strawpocalypse. All you mortals will be drinking out of cups like an adult and I will be supping from a plastic straw like a god.
I'm writing a book about Indian food... It's gonna be a naan-fiction.
My girlfriend told me that if I ever cheated on her, it would be worse if it was with a black girl. I told her she was wrong. It'd only be three-fifths as bad.
The problem with being gay It's a pain in the ass
The 2020 election results are in! Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.
Boss: Where were you born? Santa : India. Boss: which part? Santa : What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India.
I tried to change my password to Beefstew1, but they said it wasn't stroganoff
I know it's wrong to generalize, but I just don't like murderers.
Whats black and thin and all over my private parts? Dead African Children
What is an electricians favorite type of news? Current events.
What did the Blind, Deaf man get for Christmas?? Cancer
What do you call a Mexican Buddhist? Om-bre
I think bribery is a terrible and disgusting crime but $100 would change my mind
As I looked at my wife in her coma, I said to the doctor, 'That's it. Turn off the machine, I've given up hope'. 'Sir', he replied 'Your wife has been in that coma for 30 seconds'.
I keep trying to lose weight. But it keeps finding me.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was a 1080 quadruple kickflip down a big flight of stairs. The Bible left it out intentionally because it was awesome.
It's really hard to say what my wife does for a living. She sells sea shells on the sea shore.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? None. Dead prostitutes can't screw
her: let's all play a drinking game me: [scared of alcohol] haha yeah like we drink whenever we see a black person on friends
Twitter will give a blue check mark to just about any scumbag out there. If you don't believe me, just look at all the politicians that have them.
A fun activity at the rodeo is walking around asking people if it's their first rodeo. It never gets old.
I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said... "That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"
Justice is best served cold. Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
What's with the machetes...grab the freakin grenade launcher, Dean...Come On!!!
Yo momma's so fat... She got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
From now on, rather than a gendered pronoun, I would like to be referred to as the elusive fifth flavor 'umami.'
What do they call fat chicks in France? American tourists!
Having kids is one of the most adorable and heartwarming ways to have all of your possessions destroyed.
A far right party wins an election in Germany with 60% of the vote. I did nazi that coming
The pope walks into a Mosque A Muslim looks up and asks "Why the wrong faith?"
The movie "Moana" was released as "Oceania" in Italy. Disney substituted the name because Moana is also a well-known Italian porn star.
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman? Rick O'Shea.
My wife and I don't often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I'm glad it's for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Today I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm. Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure...
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour. He was a danger to himself and udders.
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
[mattress shopping] Salesmen: Do you guys want to try it out before you buy it? Me: Sure *wife lays down on mattress, I go lay on couch in store lobby
Sitting in my car eating McD's, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go: "Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat.."
One day I will get to bed early, but that day is not today.
I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do." Then I said: "Turn left here."
Why does a a duck have feathers? To cover its butt quack.
Worlds greatest dangers: 3) Swimming with sharks 2) Wrestling grizzly bears 1) Saying you feel tired around a mother with a newborn baby
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?" "Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan." "How do you know that?" "He told me as he was running off."
90% of dogs in Korea are inbred. ...like in a sandwich or something.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot before he hits the water. h
How do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian? Only a Canadian could get a 1 on Billboard with a song called Sorry.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt. Doctors have described his condition as stable.
What's the difference between black people and cancer? Cancer got Jobs.
Just read an interesting fact - Bruce Lee had a vegan brother; Broco Lee.
Waiting at the vet's office for my dog to get his shots. Might let the guy in the beard of wasps go ahead of me.
Today is Mother's Day. I celebrated by taking my wife to her favorite room in the house and leaving her alone.
Imagine what being a parent Is like... now add 1000x more screaming
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop eating Pasta Now I'm feeling cannelloni
"I love horses" - Someone who would sit on a horse and make the horse carry them around.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
Got excited when I had to attend a class for daily sex. Turns out it's for dyslexia.
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions. I said: 'Wait! This isn't what you think it is!
I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I did it once and killed a cyclist.
What do you call a dog, that can perform magic? Labracadabrador.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers judge: oh damn
Yo mama is so stank... She has to put ice between her legs to keep the crabs fresh.
What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States? We wouldn't have to pay her as much.
I just saw a real idiot at the gym. He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
I got gas for $1.39 today. Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
I asked my wife if we could do 68 tonight. She'd blow me, and I'd owe her one.
Me: I wonder how a bill becomes a law? *music plays and the shit on my desk starts singing* Me: no stop I already looked it up on my phone
The only power I've ever had in my life is working at the batting cages and someone told me to turn off the Steely Dan and I said 'did you say turn it up?' And then I turned it up.
You ever listen to someone talk but then realize you ain't really listening
Coffee and Cocaine It seems the only reason Columbia exists is to wake the rest of the world up....
Did you hear about that new lesbian reversal medicine? It's called Trycoxagin.
Why doesn't Superman need a boss? He already has supervision.
I'm not saying that girl's a slut... But she has touched more wieners than Heinz ketchup.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing
There is nothing wrong with exploring one's sexuality--and that is my message to the California Highway Patrol.
Why are 490 Romans funny? Because XD
I disagree with ALL OF YOU that say women belong in the kitchen. If my wife is in the kitchen, who's gonna suck my cock on the sofa?
There's nothing worse than people online who feel they can just command others to discuss a topic they bring up. Discuss.
In Mexico, the KKK is known as the What What What.
"You are terrible at metaphors." "Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you."
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't go apeshit and stalk me for years when I put a couple of loads in it.
How much room do fungi need to grow? As mushroom as possible.
Alcohol is the only liquid that it's cool to drink in excess. Try bragging about having 17 glasses of diet Pepsi and see who's impressed.
Is there really such a thing as bisexual... Isn't it just homos getting it right occasionally?
This is the ideal time in the season to either plant tomatoes or enter into a land war with Russia, I forget which.
Anyone remember the joke about the dwarf? Can't think right now, should be easy to remember, it was only a short one.
How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome? You pull down its genes!
My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It's our sixth season together.
I don't care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Your mama so fat.. Her curve set everyone's grade to A+
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said, a black guy would probably rob me.
They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama.... The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen
The main thing I can derive from the video recommendations Netflix has for me is that they want me to have nightmares.
I'm trying to figure out which iPhone to buy. The black one runs faster, but the white one actually works.
Hear about the new gay sitcom? "Leave it, it's Beaver." 
My first day as a car salesman. Customer: Cargo space? Me: Car no do that. Car no fly. Manager: Can I see you in my office?
The signs of fall are here: The leaves are turning yellow, the temperature is dropping, Green Day are getting ready to retreat to their September hibernation...
I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday Fucking Hertz.
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs? A mathemachicken.
wanna hear a dark joke? africas population
GUY WHO SKYDIVES: You wouldn't believe the rush of adrenaline you get. ME: [thinking about when I use my phone in the tub and risk serious water damage that isn't covered by warranty] Oh I can imagine.
COOKBOOK: 1 cup blood, 1/2 cup the white stuff on the corner of an old man's mouth, 3 tablespoons powdered farts, one green pepper. ME: Ew green pepper.
My wife and I have adopted the parenting where we never let our kids see us yelling at each other... we go to our bedroom where they can only hear us yelling through the walls.
After all these years, my wife still thinks I'm sexy. Every time I walk by she says: 'What an ass!'
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she's a bitch
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right." I said "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
Black Friday? Isn't that the day when you can buy slaves at a discount?
What do you call a gay person from Wisconsin? A Dairy Queen
Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan's, plays video games, and watches sports with me" wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga
Facebook are launching a dating app that's going to let users choose between five genders. Well, I'm all for equality, and think it's about time they included the other three genders - 'Attention seeker', 'Mentally ill', and 'In denial'.
Have you ever wondered why white racist jokes are so shit? Because they were written by blacks.
ME: I made you some coffee! It's even double filtered... fancy right? WIFE: ME: WIFE: couldn't separate the coffee filters could you? ME: no
What do people call their grandmother in India? Naana
[meeting to create WebMD] WebMD CEO: Ideas for how the site should work? 'Make it accurately diagnose symptoms?' CEO: Wow, boring. 'Like a choose your own adventure book, but where you always end up dying?' CEO: Hell yeah, that's what I'm talking about
Do special ed teachers mark late students as tardy?
The black smoke coming from my toaster indicates a new pop tart has been selected!
I'm 'I'm having a hard time walking because I sat too long' years old
What's cooler than a talking dog? A spelling bee!
I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex" She replied: "At least it'll be quick."
What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador. corny
My wife was excited when I blindfolded her in the bedroom... until I spun her around 10 times and let her know we're playing pin the tail on the donkey.
Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.
What's the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber.
I've been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don't know how to tell her I forgot her name.
On a previous episode, a female listener left a voicemail and had something to say about the advice. Basically she says none of it's necessary and you'll do better if you "just be yourself". So you'll hear her voicemail and then my response to the worst dating advice ever given.
How sad to hear about mem fox . She is my boys favorite author. I guess possum magic is too extremist? Or 10 fingers and toes too diverse?
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we're playing Cowboys and Indians and I'm a double agent.
What do you call a Scottish burgher? Big Mac.
To avoid a distracted driving ticket, keep your hands on the steering wheel and use your feet to text. The cops will have no idea.
I met a girl last night at a bar... She said she wanted the night to be magical... So i fucked her and disappeared.
Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.
What's the definition of 'Endless Love'? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.
I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
What do gays and melons have in common? cantaloupe...
I may have overreacted after watching my wife perfectly fold a fitted sheet... and by that, I mean I pointed and screamed 'WITCH!!'
It would be cool to get to a level of success where I can say the phrase: "People always ask me..." Right now people don't ask me about shit, nor should they.
Have to remember my stocked fridge is to last my family for weeks, not a challenge for me to finish all in one day 🙄
My butt is itchy. Someone must be talking about it.
Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my fuckin' dick!
Where do poor italians live? In the spaghetto.
I made some fish tacos last night. But they just ignored them and swam away.
It's ironic the first thing blacks buy when they get money is a chain to put round their neck. They miss the good old days as much as we do.
Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend? It was all yellow.
In 2017 I didn't jog. In 2018 I didn't jog. In 2019 I didn't jog. In 2020 I still haven't jogged. This is a running joke.
My wife always yells at me for not knowing how to properly season my food, but I don't mind. I take it with a pinch of sugar.
satan: welcome to hell me: i guess you could say this is a really hot sp- satan: a hot spot yeah ok fucking settle down
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
What do you call a Muslim who always makes mistakes? Errorist
Sometimes it takes a while for lyrics to really sink in. For example: "I got more juice than Picasso got paint" Now that I have my PhD in Art History, I finally realize the singer was talking about quite the formidable amount of juice.
A man asks a woman: "-Did you know that laughter is second best way to convince a girl to have sex with you ? " "-Really, what is the first ?" "-A knife." "-Hahaha, you're so funny !" "-Good choice."
How do you make a water bed more bouncy? You use spring water.
Your mamas so skinny she swallowed a meatball n thought she was pregnant.
I was involved in a violent mugging this morning. On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" I replied, "Single handedly."
My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on.. Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex.
PITCHING A TV SHOW 2018: So the king's stepbrother is sleeping with his sister and also there are dragons and ice monsters and every time you think you know what's going to happen someone you like gets murdered. PITCHING A TV SHOW 1998: So a guy has a job and some friends.
My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.
*publisher, standing with 9yo daughter, looking out on 100,000 books ready to ship* Daughter: shouldn't it be Marly and I? *eyes get wide*
My Grandpa used to gather us around to tell us stories about surviving World War Two. My dad just gathered us around to watch a YouTube clip of an Asian child playing 'Africa' by Toto on a rubber chicken.
For a date tonight, my wife and I will spend 90 mins looking for a movie to watch that I will fall asleep in the first 5 mins of.
[Reading Podcasting For Dummies] Book: The contents of your podcast can be literally anything you want. Just be yourself and have fun with it! Me: *creates a half hour weekly podcast of crying into a microphone*
Why was the white biologist considered racist? Because he wanted to preserve his culture h
How many feminists does it take to change a light-bulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
I hate how your family stops giving you money for your birthday as you get older. I need it more now than when I was 7 Auntie Barbara. I'm starving.
Twins and mama bear are napping... Time to practice my COD skills so I could stop being a burden to teams ¥º.... ˜‚.....oooh I hurt my own feelings ˜­
me: [being pulled out of my flipped car] can you get my ipod nano paramedic: no me: ok
Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts. Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"
I truly hope there are people in France who believe that, in America, LeBron is known as TheBron.
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" "Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
This Black Friday, I'm choosing small local businesses for my frenzied, materialistic rampage.
Wife: I lost my keys Man: Its in your jeans Wife: Dont drag my family into this.
I have OCD so whenever someone says "tho" I always respond with "ugh"
It's too bad there aren't more people posting about travel and fitness on instagram. I just can't get enough of seeing attractive people enjoy their lives while I sit at my desk eating a Big Mac and crying.
I played UNO with my cousins from Mexico last weekend. They just call it **ONE**
I was seeing this girl for about six weeks, until someone took my binoculars.
Whats fat on the bottom, skinny on the top, and has ears? Mountains! ...what? You've never head of mountaineers?
Babies are the worst. Why did we have one? It's 3am and I'm sleep deprived and exhausted. I'm at my wits end. This was a huge mista... oh wait he's smiling at me. Aw man, This feeling is amazing! I love being a dad.
There's no rest for the wicked... unless you're really wicked, then they put you in solitary confinement where that's pretty much all you do.
If I had wings, I'd spread them and soar like an eagle for about ten minutes then space out on a phone wire with these fat pigeons
When my wife is snoring, I always wake her to tell her how many likes the video of it I put on Facebook is getting
When the eclipse comes I'm going to borrow the special glasses my wife uses when I'm shirtless.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl? "Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy"
me: ok now keep control of the wheel and slowly press the gas pedal, you're doing great goose: honk me: yes we will get to that
We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the... Minneapolis.
What do you call a dinosaur that practices Islam? A Quranosaurus.
My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me! I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.
Im excited to have Tubman on the twenty So we can use black people as currency again
What's the difference between my dick and my paycheck? I don't have to beg my wife to blow my paycheck.
How do Christians eat their icecream? They Catholick it.
Hey guys just a polite reminder, if you promised to love your spouse 24/7. Today is 24/7 ˜˜
What's the difference between Santa Claus and a jew? Santa goes down the chimney christmas jokes
What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend? A Guantanamo Bae
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere!
I asked my sister how her blind date went "Oh it was terrible" she said, "He showed up in a 1948 Rolls-Royce." "So what's so bad about *that*?" I asked. Apparently he was the original owner.
My wife left me because "I am addicted to video games".. I was so sad I could hardly console myself
What is an amputees favorite movie? Armageddon.
Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it's not real life.
So I gave a blind guy a basketball. I think he's still trying to read it
ME AFTER 2 GLASSES OF WINE: This beautiful life is meant to be enjoyed! Let us feast and make merry! ME AFTER 4 GLASSES OF WINE: I have 938 worst enemies and I will now name them all.
I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, 'don't let horses perform medical procedures?'
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord
I used to be addicted to time travel. But that's all in the past now.
I just called the paranoia hotline. A guy answered: ' How hell did you get this number?!'
I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned.
I've noticed that men who tell women to "smile more" rarely comply when politely asked to "exist less."
What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle.
Who has fistfights in person? Fight online in the comment section like a normal person.
Why did the vegan cross the road? To tell someone he was a vegan.
Premature ejaculation.... the single biggest compliment a man can pay a women and they fucking moan about it.
I saw a post on Craigslist that said: Radio for sale, $1. Volume knob stuck on full. I thought to myself, I can't turn that down!
They called it duct tape because kidnapping adhesive sounds too conspicuous.
It's a good thing they didn't let me name the constellations because I would've named them like "freckles" and "a bunch of spilled rice".
I've never been more jealous of my brother who owns a big house. It must be amazing to have all those rooms where you can go to avoid your wife and kids.
My girlfriend hate when i call her fat And now she want us to break up so i said : What about the baby.
Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters. Ten long miserable years.
Q. How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish? A. When he goes to confession he takes a lawyer with him.
Wife: I'm pregnant. Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No, you're not.
hey girl, are you my mom? cuz i'd like to kill your husband and fuck you
I entered my sons room and said, "Remember, boy, masturbating can make you go blind." "I'm over here dad." He replied.
A banker broke up with his girlfriend... He lost interest.
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, "That's outrageous!" He just shrugged and said, "That's inflation for you."
Confucius say... ...sex on beach is like American beer, very near water.
What do Germans look at on the internet? Danke memes
What do you call a Catholic Missionary who is also a car enthusiast? A Catholitic Converter
Why do gay men float? Flambuoyancy
Accountant: You're basically broke. Wife: He keeps spending money on stupid stuff. Me: Let's ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid?
What's it called when you sneak into a homosexual wedding? A gay-tecrash Dad joke, right there
I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourettes Society. It's the thought that cunts!
Cas must have eaten that old turkey sandwich Dean was keeping in the fridge. Sorry pal. indigestion
Compromise is so important. Like how I wanted to name our son "Pat" and my wife wanted to name him "Rick" so we met in the middle and went with "Rickpat"
I started wearing skinny jeans because they're fashionable and I was tired of my wife respecting me as a man.
me: [panting as i sprint at the gym] guy on the treadmill next to me: stop bringing that fucking harmonica
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob* Wife: What are these? Me: The synonym rolls you asked for. Wife: CINNAMON.
Just finishing up my taxes and am now a little worried about my tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.
Did you hear about the vegan transgender? He was a herbefore.
If you Google 'How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?' the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Please respect my privacy while I'm trying to recover from the heartache and disappointment of the soft serve ice cream machine being out of order at the buffet I went to tonight.
What do you call Halloween for feminists? Triggertreat
I picked up a hitchiker last night. He said "thanks but how do you know I'm not a serial killer?" I replied "the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical"
A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.
My wife is kicking me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor. More on that after the break...
My girlfriend left me because apparently I try to act like an American. So I mowed down her entire family with a machine gun.
What's the difference between MLK day and St Patrick's day? Nobody minds being Irish for one day!!!!
Just got home from my first day of clock school and it did not go great. I asked the teacher if tocks were really any different than ticks. He called me an 'ill-bred sun-dialer' and the entire class burst out laughing. Father was right, these people will never accept me.
I can hear the lesbian couple next door to me having sex every night. It's not easy, but if I turn the TV off and unplug the fridge, I can just about hear them.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband's surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
What's it called when a King and Queen have no children? A receding heir line
Children get all their energy by leaching it directly from their parents. The more energetic the child, the more exhausted the parent. Look it up, it's science.
Only ten more American gun massacres until christmas
What do you call a beehive that has no exits? Un-bee-lievable.
Me: my car smells like Chinese food but I only ate Subway Sherlock Holmes: that's not the kind of mystery I do Me: yes it is let's go
Sure, white people can't say the "n word" But at least we can say phases like "thanks for the warning officer" and "hey dad."
Q: Why are all blacks fast? A: The slow ones are in jail.
Why is 16 always full? Because it 8 and 8.
We have just had a baby and I asked my wife about breast feeding, "Fuck off" she said, "it's just for the baby"
My parents treat me like a god. They don't believe in me
me: how will i die fortune teller: unequivocally, and finally...happy me: [tearing up] oh wow- fortune teller: also naked in a mcdonalds drive thru what the fuck
I busted my nose earlier today... I suppose women can call the aftermath a hot mess.
We haven't been out of the house in months but still managed to lose half our Tupperware
What did Stevie Wonder say when he found out he was blind...? "At least I'm not black"
My wife left me because I'm too insecure No wait, she's back She just went to make a cup of coffee
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
People who use the phrase "needless to say", but go on to tell whatever was needless to say anyway are why I have trust issues in life.
I don't have unrealistic expectations for life, I just wish everything went right for me all the time, that's all.
criminal: oh no it's lobster man lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch criminal: [takes out rubber bands] lobster man: oh god no
ME: I'm such an idiot. ME, 3 DRINKS IN AND FEELING WISE: A broken clock is right twice a day, but a working clock set improperly is wrong all the time. Wow. Yes. Write that down. That's a tattoo.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I fell into a septic tank yesterday. I had a shitty day.
Good morning to ace twitter only
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense. Even if you get fired you still have to come in the next day.
What do you call it when an immigrant and a pedophile get into a fight? Alien Vs. Predator
What do you do when you see an amputee hanging from a tree? Start shouting out letters.
My roommate says our house is haunted I've been living here for 300 years and i haven't noticed shit.
Why did the raging alcoholic throw his wife off a cliff? Tequila
What is al-queda's favorite football team? The New York Jets.
The biggest hit at my Oscar party is always the meatloaf shaped like an accountant from Price Waterhouse.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over me: [through foam mascot head] ya
me: [getting down on one knee] i've wanted to ask you since we met her: me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
When I grill burgers, I take a tip from the restaurant guys and, at the last minute, sprinkle in just a hint of e.coli.
I am giving up drinking for a month Sorry that came out wrong I am giving up. Drinking for a month
What's the worst part about being a black Jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven. h
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her "First offender?" She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."
What is the most popular kids show in the Middle East? Dora the EXPLODER
If I learned anything from Forest Gump it's that people who love to run are retarded.
I'm not saying I over complicate things but I probably would've spent a lot of time trying to make ice hands before I thought of oven mitts.
Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me. I'm fine - I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
The ocean is the best place for a depressed fisherman to see kelp.
Terrible office scheduling here. Somehow, Bring Your Dog to Work Day is on the same day as Wear Steak Pants to Work Day.
Yo mama so fat, when she went to Hogwarts for the first time, the sorting hat said "Awwwwww hell 'naw!!"
When it comes to tipping cows, I always like to leave at least a 15% gratuity.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you're homosexual" I then wait at traffic lights and turn the engine off when they go green.
This morning I saw the milkman drinking a sip of milk before leaving it in front of my door. How dairy!?
Tinder announced a new feature this week which gives users 37 gender options to choose from And it's now easier than ever to avoid matching with the mentally unstable
ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming. GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills
I found out some people don't cry in the bathroom at work. What a bunch of weirdos.
What do you call a black person on the moon? A problem What do you call all black people on the moon? A solution
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment? Tenants
Right before I die, if my life flashes before my eyes, I hope there aren't 30 second ads before each section.
Why do they call giving birth "delivery"? Shouldn't it be called "take out"?
Got an e-mail today from a, "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.
My girlfriend accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
Talk about a sucker - I just traded this guy my signed Michael Jordan rookie card for 2 rolls of toilet paper. What an idiot - that card isn't going to be worth anything when he wipes his butt with it.
What did the Texas sheriff say about the black guy who was shot 15 times? "Worse case of suicide I ever saw."
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It's not the best... But it's up there.
Still not sure why, at the end of my appointment, the proctologist gave me a new toothbrush.
I knew a fat doctor once, who was obsessed with the weather. He was a meaty urologist.
I just bought a Pontiac that sexually identifies as a Ferrari It's a Trans Am
Yo mama so fat The hulk couldn't even lift her up
At this point I'm a little offended the lady at #Chipotle still asks what I want. This is my 4th burrito today. Bitch, I know you know me.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines. It's always the centre of a tension.
I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
What do you call a zombie's boner? A reserection.
Have you ever eaten African food... Neither have they
Toddlers step on your junk when you're lying down because they're trying to prevent you from having more children. It's science.
I was in an American school library recently, going through a few magazines. Then my fucking rifle jammed.
A Japanese teenager approaches his father nervously... "Dad, I have to tell you something. Please don't be upset, but I'm gay." "How could I not be upset?! Why not gay plus!?"
I remember when I first started dating my wife, I got a hard-on just watching her eating a banana. Now after ten years of marriage, I only get aroused if she starts choking on it.
What are a chocolate bar's preferred gender pronouns? Her/she.
What do you call a set of chairs kept outside in Ireland? Paddy O' Furniture
The main reason your wife doesn't like the way you breathe is because it reminds her you're still alive
What did Asian Jesus say before he was crucified? YORO (You only resurrect once)
What does a blonde owl say? Why!
WIFE: Please stop. ME: Stop what? WIFE: Singing in the shower. ME: What's the big deal? WIFE: You're scaring everyone at Home Depot.
A German bakers was robbed... Apparently everything was stollen.
Why do midgets laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls
My life has been going round in circles recently. I'm starting to think that my wheelchair is faulty.
Hallelujah.... I've finally figured out how to get a Jewish girl's number. I rolled up her sleeve.
What do you get when you mix a Native American and an Irishman? An alcoholic with a drinking problem
What do you call immigrants to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey.
What do you get from 3 girls from Arkansas? Damn near a whole set of teeth.
ME: I don't have a very good imagination. ME, WEARING A BACKPACK: I am a horse and a tiny man is riding me.
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue? It was about a week back.
Ay' girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb
What was the name of the pakistani hide and seek champion ? 'amhid'
100m Dash A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash" Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?" "No, with 8 black men and a gun."
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?! Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
My sword doesn't weigh much. It's my light saber.
I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell Looking at it now, I see why
I asked my wife for the newspaper, but she said, "Just use my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it.
I'm writing a cookbook for parents with small kids...it's called 'Meals that will be easy to clean off of the floor'.
What is the official novel of Mexico? Tequila Mockingbird
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes Me: I wish for a world without lawyers Genie: Done, you have no more wishes Me: But you said 3 Genie: Sue me.
I saw a black guy riding a bike... At first I thought it was mine, then I realized mine is at home, washing the dishes.
What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of 4.
If Johnny has $20 and Tyrone takes $16... What color is Tyrone?
What's a drug lord woman called? A drug lady? A heroin heroine?!
Why do Native Americans like being invited to Thanksgiving dinners? Because usually they're stuck with reservations.
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years? Church
If she's not ruining your life.....She's just not that into you.
I'm much more supportive of my wife having a giant purse after watching her sneak a 6 pack of beer into the movie theater for me.
How the fuck do people in wheelchairs propose?
thank god our app has the explore feature so i can search for my own London Boy 😼🇬🇧
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can't be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
me: [waddling up in a penguin suit] good morning bowling alley manager: oh absolutely not
What do you call a Jewish rapper? A rappi.
Just stirred my coffee with a fork if any of you guys are looking for a new bad boy to join your crew.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won't fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
My massage therapist got fired... I guess she rubbed too many people up the wrong way.
Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.
did you know you can tell how much a girl likes you by the position of their feet Chances are if her feet are next to her ears she really likes you.
I told my wife that a husband ages like wine. We get better with age. Then she locked me in the cellar.
The difference between polygamy and monogamy. Polygamy is having too many wives, but monogamy is having one wife too many.
What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? HAND EYYYYYYYYYEEE
What do you call a Jew with a pH lower than 7? ....hasidic I'll let myself out now. I know that was matzo good...
What is a pirates favorite letter? P. Because without it, he'd be irate.
Why did the midget get slapped? Because he told a woman how nice her hair smelled.
Holding one of those artist paint palettes but the paints are different sauces and I have a nugget in my brush hand. My mouth is the canvas.
A girl with 12 boobs sounds weird, dozen tit?
What's a Southeastern Asian business professional's favorite food? Tie food
My wife and I just made a porno. Too bad she's my late wife.
Cotton Candy was invented by a dentist.
If bad Russian puns were worth a Nikolai would be rich. rofl
I'll never forget my sons first words... "Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
What kind of tree has the best bark? A dogwood h
I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously, it wasn't called that. It was advertised as a 'School Reunion.'
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea. I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
I think I'm pretty perceptive but I've been flying around the sun at 67,000 mph since I was born and haven't even noticed.
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof.
Catholic church must be serious. Everything with Mass has gravity, after all.
If I had a dollar for everytime a girl found me unattractive... ...they would eventually find me attractive
What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short corny
Proud that I helped blind kids today. A total of 11 children lost their sight today!
*Folding the receipt and placing it in my briefcase* Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?
Did you hear about the Frenchman who fell off his roof, but landed on a pile of baguettes? He survived, but was in a lot of pain.
I think I might need a shave and a football kick soon.... stay tuned
Cop: I'm arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything.
How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time. So I bought a puppy to cheer me up.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids' faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Critics are calling my performance of Wife Pretending To Care About Her Husband's Work Story "emotionally charged" and "daring".
Unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic because they are more likely to be dead
One unintended consequence of unprotected sex is that sometimes, 6 years later, a small child is forced to learn the recorder.
A guy I know calls women's periods "shark week." I asked him why, and he told me "Beware of blood in the water. The fearsome beast will bite your head clean off, unprovoked, when you least expect it."
Tonight's supermoon will be the largest in 86 years. So don't forget to glance up and nod vaguely before moving on with your life. supermoon
What do Jesus and your mom have in common? They both got nailed all night.
It isn't that I'm not going to watch the news tonight. Of course I'm watching the news tonight. It's just that I'm going to have a couple of stiff drinks and read *a lot* of Robert Benchley before I do, that's all.
Movie idea: The Shining but the hotel is on a tropical island and there is free wifi and drink deals if you have a wrist band.
Nothing beats a pretty girl with a beautiful singing voice except for Chris Brown
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy? An oopsie-daisy
What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard? A new last name.
I've got 99 problems and bottles of beer on the wall are all of them.
I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No, this is her husband." I said, what a fucking idiot.
What's 4 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy. An empty toilet roll.
Did you hear the one about the 2 gay ghosts? They kept giving each other the willies!
Why was there semen on the clean laundry? When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, "Please put a load in the washer"
What do you call an Egyptian spine manipulator? A Cairo-practor
What do you call the space between fake tits? Silicon Valley.
Mother's Day is that special day once a year where my toddler takes all the credit for the gift I was obligated to buy for his mom.
A woman has sued a hospital, stating that after a recent operation, her husband had lost interest in sex. The surgeon replied "all we did was restore his eyesight"
I'm going skiing in Colorado. They say there are a lot of blacks there. But there are a lot of blues and greens as well, so I should be okay.
The wife has piled on the pounds of late, last night I came home from work and she was lying on the bed in a leopard skin print dress .... I thought it was Fred Flintstone.
Black people love boom boxes .. I hate to generalize, but it's their stereotype ;-)
During sex last night, the wife asked me what my favourite sexual position was. "On top of someone else you fat bitch," I replied.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
What do you call a Mexican hooker who doesn't charge any money? Fritatas
I might as well delete twitter and Facebook. My kids got me a smart thermostat for Father's Day, so from now on I'll be spending all my time on my phone monitoring the house temperature.
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes. I told her to lighten up (although she does have a lot on her plate).
It was said in the news that one in four women are on antidepressants or antipsychotics. That is a terrible statistic, it means three quarters of women aren't getting the treatment they need.
Why do Christian people suck at Pokemon? They don't believe in evolution rofl
The McDonald's McRib is back, and there's now an app that helps you find one. It's called Fattr.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?  A lick-a-lot-a-puss.
They say that endorphins make you happy... and blind orphans make you sad.
I've never participated in a "fun run" but I did sprint across the house when the pizza delivery guy arrived, and that was pretty enjoyable.
What has three letters and starts with gas? A car.
Learning to love yourself is important. Just don't let your wife catch you doing it.
John: maybe cool it with the nicknames Me: wow, that hurts, Johnzilla John: everyone else hates it too Me: Everyone? Sambulance? Ronstar?
Life insurance? Why? So my wife's new boyfriend can get a trampoline?
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... She gave me a hug.
What do you get when you play tug of war with a pig? Pulled pork.
You know how some women wax off their eyebrows and draw them on more attractive with a pen? I do that same thing for my personality with alcohol
I kicked my wife out when she was 8 1/2 months pregnant. No fat chicks. Rules is rules.
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open. The last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch. I don't know what to make of it.
What's the difference between a leper and a tree? A tree has limbs.
The pregnant bird had an unusual craving for soup... She was so hungry she had toucans ROFL
If only these pancakes were more stressful to eat' -the Inventor of Waffles
I spent $80 on a belt that didn't fit. My wife said it was a huge waist.
Some people think I'm not cool because I wear a fanny pack, but I always win them over after they see the sweet moves I can do on my rollerblades
*Touring downtown in any old city* And if you look to your left you'll see some of the best real estate in town wasted on 200 racist skeletons.
so as I went in to vote this morning, an old lady told me to make sure I voted for the candidate that could make change. Boy, is my bank teller going to be surprised!
Six topless women sounds nice. Dozen tit.
What's the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture. haha
What do you call an Irish bodyguard? Liam Malone.
After I changed sex, my daughter has been ignoring me.. It seems like I'm transparent
My wife was raped by a mime He preformed unspeakable acts on her
I'm always Frank with my sexual partners. I don't want them to know my real name.
It costs $6 to visit the grave of Karl Marx.
Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea? He drowned in his tea pee.
WHEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO SOMEONE I LIKE: This universe is a cruel and random place. There is no cosmic justice. WHEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO SOMEONE I DON'T LIKE: Karma strikes again, baby!!!
You've gotta watch out with those phone-sex lines. You'll get hearing aids.
What is the name of the Asian pointing out everyones mistakes? Xu wong
As I got out on the 11th floor the elevator operator said "Have a good day, son" "Don't call me son. You are not my dad", I replied sarcastically As the doors closed he looked me in the eye and said "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?
me: well it's technically the bride of frankenstein's monster hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
School doesn't teach you the things you need as an adult. I didn't have one lesson about how to do a convincing fake smile when your friend tells you about the pyramid scheme they just joined.
waiter: is 2% milk okay me: i'll take the non alcoholic actually
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived.
The only thing we have to fear is Gerald Fear, of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. He is a serial killer.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients. Its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian
When you feel sad, there's the one person who can show up and make you feel better... just wanna give a shout out to the pizza delivery guy.
I'm a compromise conspiracy theorist. I believe Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and Buzz Aldrin didn't.
Drunk' pilot removed from United Airways plane at Newark Airport. Still safer than a Muslim one.
Damn girl, are you a jar of pickles? Because I think I NEED to bang you on my kitchen counter.
What's the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver? The shitty golfer goes: Wham! Damn! The shitty skydiver goes: Damn! Wham!
My parents just said they want another child. "I'd love a sibling!" I insisted. "That's not what we meant." they added.
My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood Unfortunately it was a Type-O
I was an alcoholic for seven years. Today marks my eighth. ROFL
me: omg honey i can't hear your broke ass through my airpods judge: i said death by electrocution
eve: [eats an apple] god: [had no idea how he was going to explain childbirth] oh now guess what's your fault
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates are always upset when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but said it was too blurry. She has selfie steam issues.
Yo mama so fat when she went to Walmart, she tripped on Walgreens, and landed right on target
Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé. Her: Whatever floats your boat. Me: No, that's buoyancy.
I like to sit and pee because it makes me feel good, but I always get weird looks from the guy at the next urinal.
So I saw that Princess Diana is trending on tumblr. She's all over the dashboard!
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat? Thunderwear.
Max the camel walks into his parents' room at 2am and asks for a glass of water. His dad says, "Another one? That's the second glass this month."
Bullets are so weird. They only do their job AFTER they're fired
Whats the difference between a bad sniper and a constipated owl? One can shoot but not hit, while the other one can hoot but not shit.
I knew a guy that was told he was the worst Best Man ever. He was speechless.
Did you hear about the new Christian online video game? It's pretty good, but it's pray2win.
I like in the movies when someone is robbing a gas station and they grab a handful of chocolate bars while the clerk gets the money. I can relate to that part.
Why is the military so strict about their uniforms? To minimize casual tees
Where do nazis go on vacation? The holocoast.
How many black people does it take to start a riot? -1
My Dad passed away last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the doctors to give him a blood transfusion. As he was dying he kept saying 'be positive' but it's really hard without him.
A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? Same time next month?
I hereby declare these 2016 Olympic Games Oilfishery open haha
Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver. Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle? Optimistic
My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working" Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
What do you call a girl who sets fire to bank loans? Bernadette.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden? A seizure salad
That stick you push in and out of a churn better be called a buttering ram.
Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby? Because he never had to run for office
Last night in bed, my wife said we should try some role reversal. So I told her, I had a headache.
What do you call a homosexual, Russian, knight? Sir Gay (Serge)
Google Earth gives you the chance to look anywhere in the world, and what do you do? You try and find your own fucking house.
Why don't dentists display their awards? Because they want to prevent plaque build-up. corny
So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back. Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office
Nurse: Sorry for the waiting. My dad: No problem, I'm patient.
You hear about the newest member of the X-Men? Caitlyn Jenner
me: so do they let you start off on the jack hammer or do you have to b- construction worker: dude i said fuck off me: [waits 10 seconds] or do you have to 'build' up to that
TIME Magazine just announced its Person of the Year: it's sourdough bread.
I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels She didn't know I existed
I just found out that a gay friend of mine is OCD He was the last person I expected to get upset about something not being straight.
There once was a girl named Alice Who used dynamite as a phallus They found her vagina in South Carolina And bits of her tits in Dallas
Social media use among the young is getting worse. Latest research: 1 out of 3 teenagers today IS a phone.
Two Irishman walk out of a pub. It could happen.
If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men? Palm Sunday.
What do you call a fat relative around Halloween? A plump-kin
Women are like North Korea. They say they will do something, but they don't follow through with it
Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night. My next shit could spell trouble
What do you call a muslim crocodile? An Allahgator!
What did the dyslexic bank robber say when he robbed the bank? "Air in the hands motherstickers! This is a fuck up!"
How much hummus did the anorexic Arab eat? A tahini bit!
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I was struggling to get my wife's attention So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.Must be some kind of milestone.
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No, I'm not," I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen...I can feel it.
Why are black people like sperm? Only one in a million actually works.
*High school reunion* PETER WINSTON ARMSTRONG, THE MAN WHO TRICKED ME INTO GOING FOR A DOWN-LOW HAND SLAP, BEFORE SUDDENLY PULLING HIS HAND AWAY AND SAYING 'TOO SLOW' IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES DURING THIRD PERIOD ON MARCH 21, 2003: Hey, man! Remember me? ME: No.
ME IN NORMAL CLOTHES: I am nothing. I am invisible. ME THE SECOND I PUT ON A SCARF: I am a handsome rich millionaire who knows about horses. Make way.
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. Sadly, I was in the women's bathroom.
There is a new restaurant named Karma. It doesn't have a menu. You just get what you deserve.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help. I told her I don't have the money to hire a hitman.
Why can't you keep Jews in jail? They eat lox!
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot? Don't mind him. He's just a product of our times.
Putin is going to win re-election in a landslide. Because his opponent is going to die mysteriously in a landslide.
Women will not date a guy who lives with his mother but they will date a guy who lives with his wife. Idiots.
Why are fat penguins so popular at parties? They know how to break the ice.
It takes guts to be an organ donor - and balls to be a sperm donor.
[making out] ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand* GIRLFRIEND: omg really? ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
What does an elderly Mexican have? Senority
A Mormon president would face the most difficult issue any president has. Deciding who's the First Lady, who's the Second Lady, and who's the Third Lady.
Why do the Minnesota vikings wear purple as a team color? If you've been choking for 50 years, you'd be purple too!
Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses? They never show a prophet.
A Black man is driving down the motorway. He sticks his head out of the window. How does he die? Who gives a fuck? That's my fucking car.
Why do we call "#" a hashtag and not pound? Because feminists wouldn't appreciate the PoundMeToo movement.
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old son for his first day at school. So I stole his lunch.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said, "Wow, that's a pretty big word for a eight year old."
A black man is speeding down the motorway and he dies. How? He sticks his head out of the window and his lips beat him to death.
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here. They just don't work.
What does a one legged man have in common with a bottle of beer? They are both hoppy
Sometimes I log into Facebook from a desktop computer, just to see what it is like to live how our ancestors used to.
I made a graph of my past girlfriends. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
oh my god when british people sexts it's probably amazing. "show me your knickers, love" and "I'm hard as gibraltar" and all that. Yes.
Let's put a bunch of extra forks out to confuse the stupid people. -fancy restaurants
Why was the baby jalapeno shivering? He was a little chilli.
Don't bite your nails mate, it's a nasty habit' 'Fuck you, pull them out!', screamed Jesus.
My parents are mixed raced. My Dad prefers the 100 meters, and my mother is Pakistani. ~ Stewart Francis.
A Black family moved into the house next door and my home insurance actually went down!!! Don't be surprised. I moved house.
[gym] Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel. Me: oh
Weird. I've been hitting this wasp's nest with a wiffle ball bat for about five minutes and noth- ok I gotta go
I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour. "No way. That's impossible!" she said. "Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."
A study conducted by a group of scientists shows that women that have more than 25% body fat live longer than the men who mention it to them
My wife said to me: "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?" So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
I was Hungary... so Iran to Turkey
Finding other gay guys is a lot like trying to find a job Your only option is looking online and it's almost impossible to get anything good.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY! I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!
What's the difference between a painting and Jesus. You only require one nail to put up the painting.
My dentist said that my gag reflex was much more sensitive than my wife's. I didn't think anything of it at the time. Later, I realized it was super weird, because we go to different dentists.
WebMD is the website where you go when you have a physical problem. Twitter is the website where you go when you have a mental problem.
Wife: you know those rollerblades make you look like a loser Me: could a loser do this? *loses control and rollerblades into bushes
Girl: Why are you so ugly? Boy: I'm you from the future.
The world is becoming too politically correct You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say "Lamar can you please paint the fence".
I went to a restaurant last night and I noticed that my waitress had a black eye. So I made sure I spoke loud and clear when ordering my food because she obviously has trouble listening.
ME: You're drunk, dude. That's a vending machine. GUY WHO IS ABOUT TO BE THE INSPIRATION FOR A WARNING STICKER: I wanna dance with her!!!!
Great news: scientists have bred a turkey that tastes exactly like tofurkey.
What do you call someone from Massachusetts who murders a bunch of Catholics? A Mass. Mass Mass Murderer.
police sketch artist: not you again me: it was real this time i promise police sketch artist: ok describe his face me: he had the eyes of a man who burgled ham police sketch artist: god damnit
Bored during lockdown? Call a feminist group and ask to speak to the man in charge.
What do you call a blind german guy? A not see.
My wife caught me cheating last night and i feel so ashamed and full of regret. She's never going to play monopoly with me again!
What tick likes to run? Politicks
"Allahu Akbar" actually has two meanings. The first meaning is.... 'God is Great' And the second meaning is.... "Run like fuck"
Wow that Alabama Senate race is really redneck and neck
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date's champagne glass waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we're all scientists. ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of- ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.
The bad news is I have a kidney stone. The good news is I posted a picture of the ultrasound on Facebook and it got over 100 likes because people thought it was a baby announcement.
I just got body-shamed by my jeans.
Why is the camel called the ship of the desert? Because its full of Arab semen
genie: what is your first wish me: i wish i could change anybody's name assbaby: what is your second wish
What seperates black people and white people? The bars. Shoutout to my bud Treyvon for this joke from almost 7 years ago.
If I don't perfect human cloning... I won't be able to live with myself.
Why did Jesus look so ripped during his crucifixion? Crossfit.
At the bar the other day. Bartender said "I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?" Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?
I feel jealous of my coworker who bought a giant house... mostly because there are more places he can avoid his wife and kids.
If you ever see someone crying ask them if it's because of their hair cut.
Yo momma... Is so fat she started a new diet, lost a lot of weight and is doing really well now.
I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday. Lucky it was a soft drink
Love those first 2 weeks of the year where the gym is packed with people I'll never see again because I don't go back.
My roommate is 2 days younger than me So I've gotten into the habit of saying "when I was your age…' and then describing what I did 2 days ago
So I'm banging this guy from behind... ... and he turns around to kiss me, and I say "Whoa, buddy. I'm not gay!"
What do they call pita bread in Mexico? Pita pan
[in basement lab] wife: you cant just make your own honey me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Why do some couples not go to the gym? Some relationships don't work out
House is noisy: 'I wish my kids could learn to play more quietly!' House is silent: 'Stop playing so quietly! It's really creeping me out!'
We apparently have just over 10 years to reverse the catastrophic effects of climate change. But first - we dance!
The Indian man went to the doctor complaining about stomach pains. He had Hindigestion.
How are eating a girl out and working for the CIA similar? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. 
me, walking: hello me, walking with coins in my pocket: howdy partner
I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it.
wife: Why is 9 crying? me: Because it's raining and he's getting wet wife: But we're at a water park me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
What do feminists and zookeepers have in common? Nothing. Feminists have nothing in common with anyone.
I'm creating an app to find qualified electricians in your area. It's called wattsapp.
A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference For example: Johnny ate his own lunch after school. Johnny ate his own colon after school.
I bumped into my ex in town today. I asked her how her new boyfriend was. "He's twice the man you'll ever be!" she said with a smug look on her face. "How's your new girlfriend?" "Luckily, she's half the woman you'll ever be, you fat cunt!"
PSA: If you've got an Islamic dog... Muslim
I just went to jail for my wife's crime. She's Chinese, which I guess makes me guilty by associasian.
What is a Muslim's Favorite Dinosaur??? Allahsaurus!
Why are black people so tall? Because they're knee grows
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen - and something else...
I grew up in a rough neighbourhood. As a child people would cover me in chocolate, cream and put a cherry on my head. It was tough in the gateau.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Toast at a Wedding "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast. "Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.
I am trying to cut down on smoking so I now only smoke after a meal. I am down too 40 meals a day.
Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.
What times does the chinaman go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Me: Is there a discount on this mattress? Someone peed on it. Salesman: You just did that when you were trying it out. Me: Right... so is there a discount?
When a transgender goes missing.. You put their photo on a carton of Half and Half.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids. Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he'd brought home a girlfriend.
What do you call a pretty lady on the arm of a drummer? A Tattoo.
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia. Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and A Black Rapper? Santa stops after three hoes.
My ex girlfriend never made me feel wanted. Until I murdered her.
What do Japan and Shaq have in common? Kobe Beef
me: i've finally conquered my fear of ghosts therapist: that's the spirit me: oh fuck where
Lifehack: Binge watch a show in a fraction of the time by only watching the "previously on..." part at the start of each episode.
As a cop, I can't play PokemonGo... So I play Pokemon blacks: Gotta catch Jamal.
Welcome to your 40s. Your idea of fun is now going to bed early.
My first wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms. My second wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms. My third wife died from a cracked skull. The bitch wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked. She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
What do you call a group of homosexual musicians from India who never get to play out? A Gay Raj band
I told my neighbour Mohammed that I found a large arachnid in my bath. "What's that?" he said... "It's a big white thing we wash our bodies in." I said.
The beta version of a video game is a lot like the regular version, except it has low self esteem and is afraid to talk to women.
Talking about politics on the internet is great for those times where I don't feel like playing online video games, but still want a complete stranger to insult me while I'm trying to relax at home.
A boy says to his dad "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?" Dad replies "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are black."
Yesterday I was washing the car with my son. He goes 'Dad, why can't you just use a sponge?'
If there is a scandal involving Christina Applegate, what would they call it?
I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits.
I tell everyone I'm a minimalist because it sounds cooler than telling them I'm poor.
The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean. Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.
[fridge shopping] Salesmen: What type of fridge are you looking for? Me: Do you have something in stainless steel that does a good job hiding rotting vegetables?
What do lesbians in Alaska sing? What would you do ew ew in a Klondike bar.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
What do you call a caring prostitute? Someone who gives a fuck
Some people have no empathy at all. I'm not even gonna try to understand what it's like to be that kind of person.
interviewer: everything looks great, got any questions for me? my brain: don't you say a word- me: would you fuck mr clean
Waiter: welcome to Spaghetti Surprise Me: 1 spaghetti please Waiter: we don't sell that Me: oh now I get the name Waiter: surprise
You call it armed robbery. I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just Juan.
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm Nice pig says the bartender. It's a duck she says. I was talking to the duck says the bartender.
I know Stan Lee loves making unexpected cameos, but I was pretty surprised to find him in my shower this morning SDCC
You know what jokes are the worst? Lesbian jokes. Those are for pussies.
My Dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school. Maths, and he couldn't remember the other one.
[2 am] *5 year old sneaks into my room* 5: (whispers) Daddy Me: .... 5: (louder) Daddy! Me: huh? what? 5: Are you asleep? Me: No... not anymore... 5: Okay, just checking. *goes back to bed*
ME: How do you know Cassiopeia is God's favorite constellation? *The planetarium security tries to wrestle the mic away from me* ME: He gave it five stars FOLKS!!!!
Is your name Prefrontal Cortex? Because I can't get you out of my mind without serious damage.' Valentines Day
My version of the 5 seconds rule is me going back for seconds 5 times.
What do you call an iguana that thinks it's a dog? A reptile dysfunction.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just can't take it any longer.
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade. But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
My beach body is my winter body plus flip flops.
Why did Bill and Ted join Islam? Because they heard it was radical!
Whats the most popular event at the Special Olympics? Downs Hill Skiing.
What's gay and has no balls? A lesbian.
why did Sally fall off of the swings? because she had no arms knock knock who's there?? not sally
If the object of tennis is to hit the ball into the net and swear a lot, I'm very, very good.
me: killing two birds with one stone is kid shit, if you want my respect you should kill two rhinos with one stone arby's manager: ok man just please get off the counter
With cell phone alarm clocks, there's never been an easier time in the history of mankind for waking up in the morning... yet I somehow still manage to be late for work every morning
This year I'm giving out a Halloween treat every child loves: some stern advice.
I really hope the Germans have to play Nigeria in the world cup. I have no interest in the match, I just want to see if they put NIG GER in the top corner of the screen.
I left my wife because she was obsessed with counting. I wonder what she's up to now.
They've announced the names for this year's hurricanes. Once again, no Kanye, Apple or Conan.
A black man and a Mexican man open a restaurant together. What is it called? Nachomama
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff... Ba-dumm-tsss
Toast is just God giving terrible bread a second chance.
Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
US has serious problem with illegal immigrants. If you don't believe me ask any Native American.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
me: if santa is all knowing, then he could solve every crime but he just doesn't hostage: can i go to the bathroom me: no
if school taught me to say no to fast food instead of drugs i'd be high as shit but not really fat which sounds cool
Got fired from the market for being too violent. All I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"
The only thing more suspicious than a black man running is a black man tip toeing.
Women leaving a huge clump of hair plastered in the shower is the female version of leaving the toilet seat up
What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody nose.
Do deaf girls masturbate with one hand so they can moan with the other?
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia
Just ordered a non-fat pumpkin spice latte & now I drive a Prius & am a Zumba instructor.
What does a feminist use as a contraceptive? Her personality
Gotta love a little dumpster diving to really thicken the plot! Haha...I kill myself. Wait.
I saw a Jewish Ghost last night... It was so scary I started to Shiva.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
There's 3 types of diabetics. Type 1, Type 2, And the type that needs to fucking tell you they are either type 1or type 2 diabetic during every conversion you have with them.
What do you call a man who pours a lot of drinks? Phil.
Last night I was on a date with a really beautiful woman. Well, it wasn't a date, we just ate dinner and watched a movie. Then the plane landed.
What do you call a male robot that likes to dress up in women's clothing? A transistor. haha
I'm allergic to bread but eat it anyway. I'm a gluten for punishment.
Pretty cool that my entire personality is stored on a big wet peanut inside my skull.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say... Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel".
Betty White is older than sliced bread. The first sliced commercial bread loaves were produced in 1928; Betty White was born in 1922.
What do the Unabomber and a girl from Alabama have in common? They were both fingered by their brother.
I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
Our attention spans these days are
"there's nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
my car: uh oh your seat belt isn't on haha beep beep me: my car: maybe i'll fuckin scream about it i dunno
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?" A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?" She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
I'm told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn't wear certain things anymore - like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
The saying "sick as a dog" doesn't make any sense. Every dog is in much better shape than me, and I've never seen a dog watch 72 hours of Netflix because it had a runny nose.
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.
ghost me: baaaaaa guy: are you saying baa instead of boo ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don't stress me out
What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey? A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.
My jokes are like hot chicks Hard to get, and when you do they are not anywhere near as good as you thought they would be
Song Titles (Are Cooler When Part of the Title Is In Parentheses)
Why is it bad to mix Islam and Hinduism? Because you might get Sikh
Did you hear about the Asian kid who had that one night stand? He had too many books to fit on it
I'm not an adult at all, just a tall child holding a beer having a conversation I don't understand.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she's just pregnant.
How do you make your wife scream during sex? You call and tell her about it.
What do rioting jewish people throw? Mazel tov cocktails
My father saved up his whole life so he could be cremated. He urned it.
Last night I got caught in a prostitution sting. I fucked a prostitute and now my dick stings when I piss.
I just quit my job at the helium factory. I won't be spoken to in that tone.
The worst thing about having Alzheimer's is meeting new relatives every day.
The guy who created cough drops died last week. There'll be no coffin at his funeral.
The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool. I was so startled, I almost fell in.
Women are like bowling balls... They're either too heavy or you can't put your fingers in them.
Ever have amnesia and deja vu at the same time? I think I've forgotten this before:
Have you heard of the new Apple Product to protect your eyes? It's called the iLid.
Somebody drilled a hole in the fence around the nudist colony. Police are looking into it.
Tired of losing arguments with people on the internet? I would highly recommend being self loathing. It's great - you get to insult yourself and you rarely have a comeback for it. And even if you do, you still win the argument. It's the best!
I had a gay friend in high school... ...who fell into a coma. We called him Tomato: he was a fruit and a vegetable.
Had a dream where evil space creatures intent on destroying humankind land, watch us for a few days, shrug, then take off.
Why do bulimics love KFC? It comes with a bucket.
Who are the 3 most famous black women? 1. Oprah 2. Aunt Jamima 3. Motha Fucka
Sometimes I hesitate at green lights just so people will honk at me. You do what you gotta do to feel alive.
So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up? Fine. Suture self.
I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying. I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."
How can you tell if a groom is Polish? He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.
If short people smoke weed, do they get high or medium.
I've had a rough morning. I woke up and tripped over my wife's bra; it was a booby trap.
For couples who choose to not have kids, I hope you enjoy the emptiness of having no one to poop in your bathtub.
My girlfriend broke up with me. When she did, I gave her a note that said "Great Job!" I wanted things to end on a positive note.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
All this hot weather makes me think I should get my fan from the basement. And if she's still not my fan she's going straight back down there.
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn't think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
Marriage is weird... My wife and I would both take a bullet for each other without thinking twice about it, but when it comes to replacing the toilet paper roll, we're at an impasse. That's asking too much.
What do you call a Muslim basketball player's best move? Islam Dunk
A husband and wife see two people kissing. The wife says, "He kisses her every time she comes home from work. Why can't you do that?" The husband says, "I would love to, but I don't know her well enough."
They say life is short but I’ve seen Olympus Has Fallen twice and loved it both times
What do somolian pirates use as weapons? Arrrrpg's
me: [going in for a hug] tsa agent: I said arms straight
How many transgender people does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one. But they have to sit in the dark room for a year, first, to make sure that the lightbulb is *definitely* out.
Yo Mama'a so fat that when she goes to New York people say: That's one Big Apple.
Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds? Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
One of Jesus's greatest miracles? He was a carpenter, but He didn't bring it up every time you met Him.
Have you ever played quiet tennis? It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
I want to move to a deserted island totally cut off from society that also has good wifi
A psychic dwarf has been confirmed to have escaped prison. Police are warning about a small medium at large.
I'm calling it now: I'm going to discover the cure for blindness and make billions of dollars someday. You'll all see.
I imported a Honda directly from Japan and was forced to pay a large tariff... ...that's OK though because it's my Civic duty.
I pick up the note. I squint and move it away from my face until the words "YOU'RE OLD" become clear. I gasp.
Dave's Adventure In A Cave (Limerick) There once was a man named Dave, who found a dead whore in a cave. She was ugly as shit and missing one tit, but think of the money he saved!
🎶 Haters keep my name in their mouth, now they’re gagging🎶
TALKING ABOUT POLITICS WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE YOUNGER THAN ME: How you present your ideas is almost as important as the content of those ideas. TALKING ABOUT POLITICS WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE OLDER THAN ME: Every single billionaire is inherently a piece of shit who should be in jail.
How do you tell a transgender from a real woman? The quality of the sandwich.
I saw a poster that said, 'Have you seen my cat?' I rang the number and told them I haven't. I like to help where I can.
Ever since i started wearing camo all the time... My girlfriend said she can't see me anymore.
THE SUN: I am 100 million billion pounds of burning hydrogen, helium, carbon, neon, and iron. PLANTS: Yum yum I'll have that and a water.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective. Wife: Those are earmuffs.
There's actually a response to the saying "Liar, liar, pants on fire." It's "I don't care, I don't care, I can buy another pair."
I met my girlfriends dad last weekend, he told me "Anything you do to my daughter ill do to you on my front lawn!" I said "I suppose you'll be buying me dinner on your front lawn?"
How does The Rock pee? He Dwaynes his Johnson.
My wife recently broke up with me because I'm a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back.
My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.... She's inflatable.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila Mockingbird
Sometimes, in the heat of an argument, you say things you don't mean. I'm sorry. You aren't a "silly goose". That's my dad talking, not me.
Why are Catholics the worst drivers? They always pull out at the last second (usually to avoid a child).
My wife just walked into a huge spider web. She is now a black belt in karate.
An alcoholic wakes up in jail. He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
When I was involved in a three car pile up recently, I managed to escape with a dead leg. Not sure who's it was, but finders keepers.
My wife and I are proud of our son. He doesn't hang out with the wrong crowd, drink, or do drugs. He's the best 2 year old we could ask for
My ex-girlfriend was like an incompetent tailor... She didn't suit me.
What does a gay person eat for breakfast? Anything they want
What did the magician's girlfriend say to the magician? I can't see you anymore.
I hope it's warm out on Halloween, because wearing a coat is going ruin my nudist costume.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But, smoking bacon will cure it.
Q. What do you call 1000 heavily armed lesbians? A. Militia Etheridge
I lost my mood ring today. I don't know how I feel about it.
What's the difference between the G-Spot and a Golf Ball? A guy will actually spend time searching for a Golf Ball.
Unfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day. So Yung. She was my Seoul mate.
What's the difference between a Mexican and an elevator? One can raise a child.
When I was a kid at sleep away camp, I still remember how exciting it was to get a letter from my Mom and Dad's attorney.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars- me: no i'm sure this is my wish [elsewhere] mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
You are what you eat. Which explains why my chinese class mates are dogs.
if running over deer had taught me anything... It's that if somethings horny, plow it on the hood of your car
What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets the point.
Have you seen the new documentary about rednecks? I've only seen the trailer.
Do you ever think about somebody else when we're making love?" my wife asked. Shocked, I said. "Why would you ask me that?" "Because you have VR glasses on..."
How do you keep a blonde busy for years? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.
My friend from Mexico got bit by a mosquito.. he could not figure out why his American friend was not receiving bites as well. I told him the bugs were hungry for Mexican tonight.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.
Would've been ironic if a black pope had been elected. He would've been surrounded by men in white robes with pointy hats. Like the old days
I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy". I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? DO IT YOURSELF YOU FILTHY MAN!
I gave my wife's phone number to all my friends so they can text her to ask if I'm allowed to go out and play.
My wife just tried to cut off my penis. Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.
What's a Tennessee tornado and a Texas divorce have in common? Someone's gonna lose a trailer.
Self-deprecating jokes are great. Not that I'm any good at them.
Me: *takes off shirt and pants, gets into bed with just socks and underwear on* Mattress salesmen: Dude
What do they eat for breakfast in africa? Ebola cereal
Did you here about the circus fire? It was in tents.
when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter. So I got it in Buford, Wyoming.
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut fucks everyone... A bitch fucks everyone but YOU.
What did the blind guy say to the deaf guy? I hear what your saying, but I don't see your point
I think therapy dogs make just about everyone feel better, except those people who wasted years of their lives going to school to become therapists only to be replaced by a chocolate lab with no education.
me: why does netflix have a "trending" section and a "popular" section. they're right next to each other and there's a ton of overlap, so it seems really- judge: i meant like questions about your conviction
This is the 47th wedding I've ruined. When I hit 50 I can retire. Conan And Friends https://t.co/RroiPVFp1m
I have my grandmother on speed dial, I call it Instagram.
The Invisible Man and The Invisible Woman got married. Their kids aren't anything to look at.
I don't understand why people don't want to have kids. I mean, who doesn't want to feel physically and emotionally drained all the time? It's so rewarding.
I just spent 3 hours trying to solve this Rubik's Cube before my son told me it's an apple. I may need a nap.
I miss the good old days, when we'd ignore cell phone calls because we didn't want to waste our daytime minutes, unlike today where we do it because we hate each other.
My ex-girlfriend and I both went blind before we broke up. After that, we just couldn't see each other anymore.
The bartender says "we don't serve time travelers in here". A time traveler walks into a bar.
One comma makes all the difference when telling someone, 'Diet, Dr. Pepper'
My hot take is you’re a bad thanksgiving guest if the dish you made needs precious fridge/oven space. We go that shit mapped out!
A girlfriend I used to have took a restraining order out on me stating that I was mentally unstable. I immediately wrote a sternly worded letter protesting my innocence. Unfortunately I couldn't find a pen so I wrote it on her wall in my own shit.
If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock
Inspirational tweet: You should never compare yourself to other people. Compare yourself to pigeons... they're pretty much all morons and it'll make you feel better.
What's red and smells? Rudolph's nose.
Just seen an advert on TV by Gillette saying that they are easing the stress and pressure of shaving for men. I suggest that if you are a man that feels pressured and stressed from having a fucking shave then maybe you should consider waxing your vagina instead.
Why did the 'A' go to the bathroom and come out an 'E'? It had a vowel movement.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian It was the least I could do for that dog.
Recently started working with homosexuals, I'm having a hard time dealing with the sticky mess. But they insist I style my hair using gel to appear more professional.
If Muslim women insist on dressing like ninjas, they should also act like them. And disappear.
Do you know how many 3rd party sects the catholic church is protecting? None, catholics aren't allowed to have protected sects.
Went to the library and asked if they had a book about tiny dicks. Librarian said, "Don't think it's in yet." I said, "Yes, that's the one."
Someone: I like your name! Me: Thanks, I got it for my birthday.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Dont be silly, feminists cant change anything.
robber: put the money in the bag mcdonalds cashier: ok just don't kill me robber: now put sprite in this water cup mcdonalds cashier: fuck you i'd rather die
[at ultrasound] Nurse: there it is. There's your baby Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Burgers Never Say Die - restaurant, or the best Bond movie ever?
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I relate to Aquaman most when he's swimming with his shirt on
A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck to find three bunches of flowers beside her bed. One from her surgeon, to say all went well. One from her husband, "get well soon", and he loved her. One from Tommy in the burns unit, to say "Thank you for my new ears"
My father was a conjoined twin so his brother was ... My uncle on my father's side.
What do you call a blonde white guy with blue eyes who is an experienced soldier and who works with sick animals? A veteran Aryan.
i love hoodies man. am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
My wife and I had a row and it finished with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees! She said: 'Get out from under that bed and fight like a man.'
They said the term 'Chinese virus' is racist... Then they said the term 'Kung Flu' is racist... So from now on I'm calling it 'Wu Ping Cough'
If the whistle blower testifies to Congress, I hope he wears a referee's uniform.
What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five guys.
It's pretty hypocritical that the word 'repetitive' has three e's, two t's, and two i's in it.
They say childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience... Maybe I was too young to remember, but I don't think it hurt that much...
Why do Jews get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower. The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do. We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
Heard the one about the wealthy lesbian prostitute? She makes money hand over fist
I saw this lady vogueing alone so I felt bad and started dancing with her. Anyone know sign language for 'Im sorry'?
Over dinner I asked my date "What was your favourite fairytale as a little girl?" She replied "Sleeping Beauty, definitely." I said "Well that's a happy coincidence!" Her eyes lit up and she said "It was yours too?" I replied "No, but I've slipped Rohypnol in your wine"
[Marriage Counselling] Wife: His gambling addiction is ruining our marriage. Therapist (to me): Is that true? Me: There are 6 to 1 odds it is. (Pulling our wallet) Anyone wants to make this more interesting and get in on this?
What if a butterfly got a tramp stamp of a trashy white girl?
Listen here you snot nosed punk! Better respect my fake badge.
me: so i said what are you gonna do, kick my ass? nurse: then what happened
Why are Mexicans called spics? Because they spic spanish.
What is a shark's guilty pleasure? A mouth full of seamen. rofl
I never understood school shooting jokes I guess they're aimed at a younger audience.
I'm trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy. I think it's working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I'm looking for clues in the garden.
Why are redneck murders hard to solve? No dental records and the DNA is all the same.
Dating is hard because guys are like "You're hot, can we do butt stuff yet?" and girls are like "It's been 3 days, where's my ring?"
Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."
Being an adult means eating what you want when you want. But it also means realizing you're not capable of making healthy choices, so you get a personal trainer to make a meal plan for you. But when he does you say 'No one is telling me what to eat. Screw that guy. I'm an adult'.
When do Arabs return their library books? the day they're Dubai.
Why are Native Americans the most successfull strippers? Because when they dance, they make it rain.
I think my girlfriend's love for Einstein's theories is driving us away from each other. But, hey. I'll be a good guy and understand if she just wants some time and space.
studio exec: ok we've got winnie the pooh, eeyore, now what should we name this one writer: tigger studio exec: [was only half listening] woah what the fuck did you just say
Stuck on a gift for Senator Mitch McConnell? You can't go wrong with body glitter.
My buddy set me up on a blind date and said, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby." Felt like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper.
And the award for the best neckwear goes to...Well, would you look at that, it's a tie!
Q: What's the meaning of ignorance and apathy? A: I don't know, and I don't care.
I fart like an Egyptian pharoah... We have a toot in common.
What's the difference between a gay man and straight man mustache? The smell
My wife tells me she's not a piece of meat, but then proceeds to rub body butter all over herself.
Guy says, "damn, there should be a law against having sex this good!" The girl said nothing, for the drugs had left her unconscious.
kid in a scary movie outside a haunted house: ok we saw it can we go now kid who will definitely die in 12 minutes: what are you C H I C K E N
What do you call a cheap hooker's snatch? Death Valley.
What did the Jewish lesbian say to her girlfriend before taking her virginity? L'hymen
So if I don't get caught it's a "free sample" and if I do get caught it's "stolen property, please come with me, sir"? Real double standard.
My girlfriend LOVES my toenails.. I'm starting to think she's a nailphile.
Have you heard about the guy whose whole left side got shaved by a train? I heard he is all right now ROFL
My wife caught me looking at Pinterest. I tried to cover it with a porn site, but she's fast.
Call a woman beautiful a hundred times... Call a woman beautiful hundred times, and she won't remember. But call her fat just *one* time, and she'll never forget. Because elephants never forget.
My mother handed me $20 "Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party." That was the day I realized my brother was the favorite twin.
Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
If Bruce Wayne was Jewish, would he have had a bar mitzvah or a bat mitzvah?
It's frustrating when all the birthday cards at the store suck. Is it really too much to ask to be able to purchase a piece of cardboard with the exact words quantifying my very unique and very specific relationship with my wife for just $4.99? Get it together, Hallmark.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I'm like HOLY CRAP I'M OUTSIDE.
The other day, I was having sex with this married woman, when her husband came home early.  She told me I'd have to use the back door and said I'd have to be quick.  On reflection, I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that...
INTERVIEWER: I noticed you use a lot of contractions in your writing. Are there any you don't like? ME: T'ain't one.
In an effort 2 squash some posers, my daughter is helping me start an Instagram profile. Chk it out. Hint: it's just my name
no doggystyle, no reverse cowboy... only midnight sky
[Jews being led out of Egypt] Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn't just stop & ask directions? Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I wanna start a muslim tinder called a-salama-like'em or a-salama-hate'em
What would you call a social media marketing genius? Masterbaiter ROFL
What's the hardest part about vaping? Telling your parents you're gay
My wife just threw away my favourite herb. She's such a thyme waster.
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifesaver. It's what he would have wanted.
I met a girl in a club last night, after a few drinks she asked if I would like to go back to her place for sex. I didn't want to disappoint her, So I said "No".
I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee Without other people's dicks in it.
English ships start with HMS, United states with USS... what about Italian ships? AMB. It's stands for, 'Atsa Ma Boat!'
me: [as cute doctor walks in] i must have been poisoned by the mafia- doctor: says here you ate a glowstick
Fairy Tale Trivia: The wolf in 3 Little Pigs and the wolf in Red Riding Hood were roommates at UC Santa Cruz.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for Tuesday.
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre... so he gives it to her
Wanted to watch the Chernobyl miniseries but thanks to Alexa I am deeply engrossed in "Cher: No Bull." What a life she's had!
I just heard a dried up grape won the lottery, got a supermodel girlfriend and won a brand new car. I guess everything happens for a raisin.
Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm. I'm the CIEIO
And Boom...there u have it. Hope y'all enjoyed. Now I'm gonna kill the pizza company. Supernatura I SPN Family
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby. But let me give it a shot.
I won't kill you with kindness, but I will mace you with charm.
I'm trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps saying its private
I'm addicted to having money in the bank. I really do suffer from withdrawals.
What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin? Countdown
They say that milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own fucking business.
Me and my baby mama are gonna name the kid Pun It wasn't intended
Wife: Maybe its time for "the talk" Me: Ok. Son, cops can't bust you for the drugs you've done, just the drugs you have. Her: Not that talk!
What are you going to do in the weekend? "I'm going to buy glasses." "And then what?" "Then I'll see."
My wife... It's difficult to say what she does... She sells seashells on the seashore.
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop eating Pasta. Now I'm feeling cannelloni.
Why did the fat monster put a candle on his tummy? He was celebrating his girthday!
What has TWO wings, and ONE arrow? A Chinese telephone. Wing wing. Arrow?
I love pussy, It's the cunt around it I cant stand
"Are you sexually active?" I asked my 93 year old patient. "Yes" she smiled. "That's fucking disgusting" I said.
What did Delaware? Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
BABY BOOMER: Let me have some of that doobie, it can't be any stronger than the stuff I used to smoke when I was your age. *Twelve Minutes Later* BABY BOOMER: [calling 911] Hello, yes, I'd like to report a crime... Somebody has stolen my hands.
This joke is so dark that I hope it doesn't get shot by the police.
I think my girlfriend has a blind fetish. Last night she said we should stop seeing each other.
I was watching one of my old cholo adventures videos and i didn't even laugh once! I laughed a bunch
I go to bed early at 9pm, mostly because I like to get at least 8 of hours of laying awake worrying about things before I have to go to work the next day.
What do you call a lesbian who also doesn't eat meat? A vagetarian.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. ...and his wife is livid. "You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!" "No," slurs the mathematician... "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
me: [letting dog lick my face] wife: that's disgusting me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you're the one who used all the hot water linda
Instead of staying up late and enjoying myself, I prefer to go to bed early and get a full night of laying awake worrying.
Girls, if you're gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I just read a story about a blind guy who's training to run in his eleventh marathon in case you were wondering what a lazy fuck you are.
Girl: What colour are my eyes? Guy: 34C.
Since my wife left, I've bought a Harley Davison, 10 grams of cocaine and I'm currently in bed with four italian prostitutes. She's going to be pissed when she comes home from work.
After years of being unsuccessful at finding 'snuff videos' on the Dark Web. I found a great new source. Local American news programs.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they'll just beat the room for being black!
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a healthy dog have in common? 84% of their dna
me: you ever walk into a room and forget what you were doing woman: but how did my husband's surgery go? is he okay? me: [noticing i'm wearing medical scrubs] oh god oh fuck
Worked out legs n nalgas yesterday. Everything hurts. I can't even hold in my farts.
What you do get from a dwarf cow? Condensed milk.
Did you hear about the girl so in love, she'd rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping? Talk about head over heels!
You always have to be extra careful when driving through a predominantly black neighborhood at night. Because black people are super hard to see in the dark.
Sometimes at night I look up at the stars and think... I should really get a roof for this house.
Why were ancient Egyptian children  confused? Because their daddies were mummies.
Why don't black people get sunburnt? Prisons are indoors.
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes. I told her to lighten up.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter. I have some breaking news for her.
I know several jokes in sign language. I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.
When your girlfriend says "I love you" reply with "I love you more!" Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
There's no reason to be bored while flying on an airplane. Use that time to tell the person next to you your entire life story.
Snakes can't win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they're playing into hurtful stereotypes.
Dear Santa -- For 2017, all I want is a SLIM body and a BIG FAT bank account. Please don't mix it up like last year.
Girls are like math problems... If they are under 18, it's best you do them in your head.
Tough week, just found out my wife and I pronounce "gif" differently.
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel.
It's a bad sign that in order to vote in Georgia you have to prove you subscribe to The Golf Channel.
Just watched the trailer to Onward ... it's a father- son story?! I'm not ready. Need to find a way to watch it but not in front of Vanessa cause I'm def gonna be crying. Maybe I should fake an allergy
A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less." The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."
I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.
"This time it's over over" "I can't believe you're doing this over walkie-talkies over"
Push-ups? No, I'm just practicing my shoving.
duck: [sees my bread] i lust for crust me: no duck: c'mon that dough make me go oh me: it'll make you sick duck: i am a beast for the yeast baby
What did the prostitute say after fucking Jesus? Nailed it!
Why do all the lesbians shop at The Sports Authority? Because they don't like Dicks.
Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis
Everyone loves when pro athletes dump a jug of Gatorade on their coaches head to celebrate, but I do it to my life coach after a good week and suddenly I'm making 'bad decisions'
We all make fun of it, but how creepy would it be if we suddenly STOPPED getting e-mails from LinkedIn?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There's a line to get in. We're never on the same page. Nothing's black & white. We're well red
Diamonds are a girl's best friend until you realize they turn you into a shallow ho
What do you call an Asian with a big butt hole? Gay ping!
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dining room, patio...
I'm told that if you eat pineapple or carrots in excess, your cum will taste like that food... Is this why my Japanese girlfriend's pussy tastes like raw fish?
How do you piss off a female archaeologist? Find a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.
I know I wouldn't make a good action hero because I can barely escape my garage on foot before the door closes.
A family of Jews sit on the sofa at home. When its cold they sit around a candle. When its really really cold, they light it.
I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place! The dog came third.
How did the prostitute get a job at the zoo? They heard she could handle a cockatoo.
What did the Mexican family get for Christmas? Deported
Smell is such an amazing trigger for memories. Like how the smell of pizza can instantly transport you back to a time you ate pizza. Incredible.
I've Got a Surprise for you! says the excited girl friend. "abort it" he reply's.
The day after Mother's Day when the Mother's Day bouquets are all half price. I just bought one for my mom for next year. It's called planning ahead and being smart.
Why are school shooters more likely to be white people? White people actually go to school. Black people stay home and shoot people in their own neighborhood.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to play pearl harbour."What's that?" she asked.That's where I lie down & u blow the fuck out of me
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face. ROFL
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I said: 'Yes just once.' He asked: 'What was it like?' I replied: 'It was dark, then suddenly very bright.'
Took my family to the Renaissance Fair on Saturday; today we are all laid up with melancholy humours.
Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins. She's not nosey. Just shit at parking.
I went to the bar last night and saw a really fat woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"
Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed. Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us.
Hey Verizon, here's an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I learned everything I know about empathy from social media. Let me see if I'm getting it right: Empathy is where you breach the gap between you and someone else who has a different perspective than you by calling them stupid.
4: can we name the baby Yoko? Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name 4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko? Me: ... 4: ... Me: yes
Mexican and Black Jokes are ALL the same... Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
What do you call a retired miner? Doug.
Flashing my Costco card at the lady at the entrance is the closest I'll ever get to feeling like I'm on the VIP list at the clubs.
Went out for a jog today Thought I heard someone clapping for me. Turns out it was just my fat thighs.
What language do bugs in the Middle East speak? Scarabic
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.
What do you call a doctor who is half man and half horse? A centaur for disease control.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.
me: [finishes beatboxing] cop: ok that was impressive but i still need to give you a ticket
Me: *buys a toilet seat on Amazon Amazon: Here are 19 other toilet seats you might be interested in. Me (a person who collects toilet seats): Nice.
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping? It's a dream job.
Accidently said hello to a vegan feminist this morning. My trial starts on Monday.
I've learned 99% of the English language. I'm almost their.
What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I'm stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
What's the difference between redneck newlyweds and two variables in a dataset? The variables aren't necessarily related.
I like my hookers like I like my treasure... Buried.
I just saw a cloud that looked exactly like my father withholding his approval.
Christmas is such a happy time - the only way I can get through it, is to stop taking my anti-depressants.
me: [stops kissing] what's wrong her: this isn't what i meant when i asked if you had "toys" me: my bop it: bop it!
What do you call a fat female assassin? A killer whale.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air everyone: [puts hands up] me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
What is the difference between a straight man's mustache and a gay man's mustache? The smell.
They told me i wouldn't be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*
I decided to join the new Jewish fraternity on campus ... Zayda Ate a Bagel
"You know what? Guys should play ALL the parts. We could even wear dresses and kiss and stuff." - Shakespeare's gay friend
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears. You lift one up and shout "Where are you from?"
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious.. or did she?
I have to ask... Is the rainbow the symbol of homosexuals because it's bent over?
Wife: Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! Me: Haha funny. [under the mattress] Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Why in our homophobic society do parents teach their children: Rubadubdub 3 men in a tub & then wonder why their son turns out gay?
[Bedtime Routine before and after getting married] Before: Brush teeth, wash face, cry self to sleep After: Brush teeth, wash face, get rejected by wife, cry self to sleep It's crazy how much my life has changed since being married
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand up
If I were in prison, I wouldn't ruin my spoon trying to tunnel out, because going without morning yogurt is its own prison.
I bought my wife some sexy lingerie. & as she tried it on, I couldn't help but think. It looked a lot fucking better on my girlfriend.
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar... It was tense. haha
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail? Because he was in a cent.
Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No".
I just got a ticket for driving while wearing VR goggles yet the cop couldn't suggest any other way for me to feel like I'm riding a dragon.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
What did the Jewish pirate say when he heard his wife died? Argh, shiva me timbers
I'm not afraid of butterflies, but they do make me feel nervous.
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
Q: How do you describe a blonde surrounded by  drooling idiots? A: Flattered.
My girlfriend feels she needs 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in her shower & if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor
Friend: I noticed you registered for your cats wedding Me: I know, cute right? Friend: Yeah, but you registered for a fridge, stove, dishwasher, king size bed, and living room set. Me: ... Friend: ... Me: ...And?
What's a cannibal's favorite snack? A knuckle sandwich.
What do you call a stoner with down syndrome? A baked potato.
40% of men over 40 suffer from erectile dysfunction. "I don't think it's the mens fault, I mean, have you seen what women over 40 look like?
Yo moma so fat... Yo moma so fat she's only fast when she's asleep. So sorry. rofl
As a quiet and skinny person, I feel like we should charge loud and fat people more to ride the subway. It won't be difficult to implement either. All we would need to do is charge them by volume.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
Why don't Germans tell jokes about sausage? Because they are the wurst.
What do you call hundreds of crows at a Catholic church? A mass murder.
When you get married, you get to get to know someone intimately... especially how to annoy them.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Keep posting videos of your children being brats. It's great birth control and the only way we're going to get this global population under control.
me: but i want it ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
What do you call a group of obese gender reassigned persons? Trans fats.
Last night, a local barber for 20 years got caught for drugs I was his customer for 8 years, I didn't know he was a barber.
How many black guys does it take to change a light bulb? Three... One to change the light bulb and two to stab each other.
What do you call a blowjob from a vampire? Blood sausage. ROFL
Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school" Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
One day I'll cure deafness... You hear me!
I don't make New Year's Resolutions, I make New Year's Vague Declarations Of Semi-Intent.
If you sing in the shower, and no one is around to hear it, is it still horrible?
"You know the difference between me and you? ... I make this look good" - Men in Black
I can't sleep so I better keep everyone awake. - babies
What do you call your creepy Jewish neighbor? Diddler on the roof.
Smile now, cause the worst is yet to come.
The Chinese girl I dated turned out to be crazy. I guess I should have noticed the big red flag.
The iPhone fingerprint scanner is totally useless if you're like me and your fingerprints are always covered in Cheetos dust.
some people have pointed out that at a state level, alabama doesn't refer to their assembly as "congress" so i'll use the correct term: klan meeting
Whenever someone gets upset about bad grammar, comfort them by saying 'they're they're'
It can't be much fun being gay. Your friends are always moaning behind your back.
I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me. She was lack-toes intolerant.
I'll accept the 'fat fingers' excuse for typos but if you fuck up your/you're I'm going to need to see a doctor's note explaining your IQ.
What do you call sliding into home plate, on a green field in Mexico? Muchas Grassy-ass. 
Why are most cemeteries fenced in? Because everyone is dying to get in
I'm so excited to finally get a dad bod It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
[sitcom about a hunchback detective] *Detective Hunchback examines a murder weapon* Sidekick: Do you know who did it? DHB: I have a hunch.. (Studio audience loses it)
When god created France it was beautiful, and great. The rest of the world was so jeaulous...so to make it equal god created French People.
So a man is alone in a forest And if his wife isn't around to hear him. Is he still wrong?
What's Dracula's favourite type of coffee? Decoffinated.
The doctor hands me the baby and tells me my wife didn't make it. So I politely return the baby and ask for the one my wife made.
How is a Muslim at Ramadan like Sonic the Hedgehog? They both gotta go fast.
Beware careful of only receiving half the truth, you may have gotten the wrong half
what do you call a young Chinese prostitute ? SUM YUNG HO
when she sends you text asking you if you are busy in the middle of the conversation it means that you are not paying attention
Oriental Rugs and Tubs... could be a furniture store or a dyslexic whorehouse.
rhode island: can we be a state government: oh ya ok i would love to have a state the size of a best buy parking lot that's great, do you wanna draw the border i've got some fuckin sidewalk chalk right here rhode island: [crying] government: woah hey man listen
Do you remember Buckwheat from the little rascals? He recently converted to Islam. And became Kareem of Wheat.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought. It's an extremely rare dish order.
Somebody broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch
What did Jesus say to the man with leprocy? OOPS! GOT YOUR NOSE!
I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
A fire broke out at a Weight Watchers meeting last night. Members could be heard screaming, "Walk for your lives!"
How do you know if a guy has an asian wife? He'll tell you.
facts about white people: -they die after 4 days without ranch -they can only have sex to "grandma got ran over by a reindeer" -they are very weak against sharks -in packs, they are called an ultimate frisbee team
If retards are supposed to be so stupid how come I have never seen one smoking?
How do you navigate holidays like father's day in queer relationships where the bio dad isn't involved? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Never get in a fight with a T-rex. You'll get jurasskicked.
me: I redecorated our room so bear with me her: swear to me that there isn't a bear in there me: [unlocking the koala room] there is technically not a bear in here
Say what you will about that pilot... ...but at least he died doing what Germans love most. Mass murdering innocent people.
I hate it when people make fun of the disabled. They can't even stand up for themselves. It's wheely not nice.
One of the hardest things for me to learn as a husband is that if I order a side fries at a restaurant, they are my not my fries. They are my wife's fries that happen to be sitting on my plate.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
What's the most Jewish instrument? The Sachs
What do you call an Arab man who drives a bus? A bus driver.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
"He's not sleeping with you cause you're fat and ugly, so lose some weight and do your make up like this." - Women's magazines, summarized.
What is the coldest dish at a Mexican restaurant? a b-r-r-r-r-ito
To make a joke about something sad and not be offensive, use the frown winky face. i.e. Your cat got hit by a car and it's dead. I guess he didn't have 9 lives after all. Haha ;(
what prompts moving a hookup from a phone number to a saved contact? asking for a friend 🧐
How did Jesus get so ripped? He does crossfit.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes? A: She couldn't find the recipe.
I asked my friend if he knows any ways for me to get rid of my blackheads. He said the best solution is Apartheid.
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter... So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
What is a goat herder known as in the Middle East? A Pimp
When my son was younger, my wife made sure to enroll him into lots of different musical-theatre, singing, and ballet classes. I felt very strongly against all this, but ultimately all these lessons made my son into what he became today... A massive fucking faggot.
I can't stand abortions. I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.
My girlfriend is adorable, smart, sexy, and looking over my shoulder as I type.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says: 'Uno, dos...' Poof.... He disappeared without a 'tres.'
My nickname at work is Mr. Compromise. It wasn't my first choice but I'm ok with it.
My friend showed me a black computer he wanted to buy... I said "Dont you mean an African American computer?" and he replied "Stop being so PC"
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift.
You carried all your groceries inside in one trip? Big deal. I got all mine inside in no trips by crashing my car into the house.
People say I'm an 'out of touch' celebrity but my butler puts on my pants one leg at a time just like everyone else.
You never hear parents say they regret having kids, but you also never see them smile, laugh, or be happy either.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it's in a Facebook video filmed inside their car.
What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy
What do cats love to read. catalogs
If you need your iPhone repaired in Jerusalem, you obviously go to the Genius Bar. There, they don't serve alcohol..., ....but there's plenty of Apple Jews.
I drink water throughout the day to stay hydrated and also just in case someone says something shocking so I can spit it out.
My kids will be friends with people of all colors of the rainbow. That means no black people. 
Therapist: Tell me about how you're feeling emotionally Me: Let me describe it the best way I know how... (pulls out phone and shows therapist a variety of gifs) Therapist: Interesting (starts writing on clipboard)
For me, home ownership largely consists of me identifying beeping sounds around the house and not knowing how to turn them off.
I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows too high She looked surprised.
How does a black woman fight crime? By having an abortion
I know they live in different comic book universes, but I'd love to see a fight between Batman and my neighbor with the loud stereo.
I tried to order a Vietnamese sandwich at a restaurant today while I was walking around topless... The staff refused to serve me, and threatened to bahn mi if I came in without a shirt again.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Strong and black
What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers? Is *anything* okay?!
When dentists have a tv on the ceiling you can watch while they work on you, you forget about your fear of having your teeth drilled and focus on the fear of having a TV fall on your head.
Why was the broom late for the meeting? It overswept.
Every morning at breakfast, I tell my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't. It's my longest running joke of the year.
I had a really long conversation with a feminist vegan key worker last night. Well, I listened.
You may get to decide what time your kids go to bed, but they get to decide what time you wake up, so who really holds all the cards in this relationship
I forgot about my anniversary. When I saw the look on my wife's face, the first thing I did was call the florist and order flowers. Not for her, for my gravestone.
I was wondering what my parents did without the internet. None of my 13 siblings could tell me
me: hi can I get the price on this target cashier: [rips fire extinguisher from my hands] walmart said you'd be coming
What do you call a genetically engineered cow? A mootant.
"I'm arresting you for carrying a knife" said the Police officer. 'Is it 'cos I is black?" I replied "No" replied the Policeman "what makes you think that?" "Cos I'm in ma own kitchen and I've just taken it out of the dishwasher"
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine? A quarterback.
Open concept homes are popular with married couples because they allow things to be yelled from the across the house without walls getting in the way.
An american was sat in the doctors waiting room. After an hour, the doctor came out, looked at him and said "sorry about the wait". "It's ok" said the American "I'm in no rush". The doctor replied "That's not what I meant you fat bastard".
Drink plenty of water. The most common cause of kidney stones is not drinking enough fluids, especially water. kidney water
What did the Hobbit say to the Japanese man as he was leaving? Shirenara!
Getting a girlfriend is a lot like getting a car The more money you have, the more options you have.
A photon walks into a hotel The bell boy walks up and asks, "Do you have any luggage?". "No," says the photon, "I'm traveling light."
In 1990, Mr. Rogers sued the Ku Klux Klan for pretending to be him.
I sent a tin of macaroni to Ethiopia and I've just received a letter back saying thanks for the leg warmers...
It's our wedding anniversary today. My wife and I have been happily married for two years now. 1995 and 2009.
I'm guessing there will soon be entire generations that assume apples the fruit were named after Apples the computers.
Sometimes a smile can really brighten someone's day, but it'll probably creep them out if they're standing at the urinal next to you.
When you start getting old, it's not like you feel old. You don't. You just start thinking young people are stupid. That's how you know you're old.
hello it is my officially September and this month I will continue a nearly 30 year tradition of pretending I don't care about my birthday while always bringing any topic back to my birthday.
Why do blacks keep on getting stronger? TVs are getting heavier.
If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate. And I'll name the other DupliKate.
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room. But she still won't admit she framed me.
Why don't you ever see hippos in trees? Because they're really good at hiding
Why is the forest so noisy? The trees bark.
What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa? Outtagascar corny
I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him 'no but I have a couple albums by Sting.'
One of the ants on my ant farm dresses up as a clown to cheer up his friends. He's an anti-depress ant.
Kids are like farts. You can just about cope with your own, but anyone else's are unbearable.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary. Well the jokes on them , they're imaginary too.
When I'm on the freeway I can't help but honk at the a-holes who don't like my violent, unpredictable driving.
50% of Japanese doctors have Cataracts. The other 50% drive Rincolns.
Have you seen Mount Rushmore before it was carved? It was unprecedented.
The best part of twitter is they put your tweets next to the other tweets. Like someone could write the most profound and important paragraph in the history of humanity and right below it is me saying 'If Frankenstein had a beard he'd be a snack'
Why do all Asians think they're a celebrity in Rome? Every time someone says "ciao" they think they're taking about them
What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa? Some people actually believe santa exist.
So I caught up with my mexican friend ..He told me that his wife give birth to their first son, just the other day. I said "Jesus really?!" He replied with "Nah, his name's Jose."
Knock knock. Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? Wow, I didn't know you could yodel!
What am I? What has six tits and three teeth? The night shift at the Waffle House.
How many black people does it to pave a driveway? One. You just have to spread him real thin.
If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Asked my friend what he'd do if the 1st Amendment was abolished. He couldn't say
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket? Officer: It was a moving violation
Me: "When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me." Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way."
Dora the Explorer has got a little Muslim friend called Doda. The Exploder.
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon Trainer? Ash.
Where do beekeepers stay on vacation? Air bee and bee.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape. Breathe idiot, breathe.
Why does Skeleton Soup taste so poor? It lacks body
The versatile gay actor wanted to be cast in both "A Christmas Carol" and "A Midsummer Nights Dream" So he could be both a Bottom and a Topper.
Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be a parent. I mean, I'm a good person. How did this happen?
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
Yo mama's so mean... She's got no standard deviation!
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Gays in the military "If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon"
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!! I'm the spokesperson.
Breaking News: "Masturbation helps prevent the common cold." I bloody hope so, I've got no tissues left!
I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered: "They're right behind you."
For those of you who are unsure about gay marriage, it's like normal marriage but with blowjobs, handjobs, anal and zero arguments about who left the toilet seat up.
Q. who was the Jewish prophet that led the water molecules across the partially permeable membrane? A. osmoses
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson just found out 2 of his kids are gay... ...I guess you can say they are fruity pebbles.
Damn girl, are you a piñata? Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.
When I die I'm going to donate my body to science. That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.
I almost always wear black. Not because I'm depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I'm single and don't want to separate laundry.
My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over So I packed her shit and left.
I've spent the past week learning escapology... I need to get out more...
Your momma's so fat... ...that when I asked her what her what her favorite time of the year was, she said, "dinner time."
What did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs? "Eiffel." corny
[Frugal] I ran behind a bus all the way home and save $2.25. Got home and girlfriend mocked me saying had I run behind a cab, I would have saved $15.
What's Forrest Gump's Twitter password? 1Forrest1
My girlfriend was furious when I told her I put ginger in our curry. She loved that cat.
Apparently, women in muslim countries can't drive. They can't do it here either.
I'm pretty sure the audience appreciated my standing up repeatedly and saying, 'Actually, it's PANTHER OF COLOR.'
The best part of forgetting to lock the door in a public restroom is all the free apologies you get when people walk in on you.
[lost in Spain] Wife: ask that man where we are Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias Wife: well? Me: we are in Spain
Marijuana advocates say smoking pot won't kill you, yet the Bible mentions numerous people who died from getting stoned.
I don't know much about killing black people. So I took a stab in the dark.
Met gayla.
Walking into a fro-yo shop is probably what it's like walking into a Japanese girl's purse.
interviewer: it says here you suffer from short term memory loss me: that's news to me
New Years Resolutions last week: Drink less, Get fit, Spend more time with my kids. New Years Resolutions this week: Spend less time drinking around my fit kids.
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending"
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world genie: ok [snaps fingers] me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed genie: i tried but you're just so ugly
How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black? Have you ever tried to take a rib from a nigger?
A lot of people don't realize the months are named after Roman emperors. Like June, that's named after Junelius Caesar.
Therapist: I went to school for years and paid thousands of dollars to help people cope with their problems Therapy dog: *licks itself
What was Spiderman's major in college? Web Design corny
I just read a book on marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So after dinner tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents' house.
Guy at restaurant asks how much coffee was. Waitress says $1. Then he asks what a refill costs and she says it's free, so he asks for a refill
Don't blame Christmas. You were fucking fat in August.
I just found out about non-alcoholic coffee.
To give you an idea of just how unattractive I was as a child, when I stayed at Michael Jackson's Neverland, I had my own room.
Sorry I'm late, my alarm didn't go off because I didn't set it because I don't like coming here.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands. They don't give a fork.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death "Jokes on you" I said "if I die in battle I'll go straight to Valhalla"
Personally, I don't agree with cannabis being legalised in America. The last thing those fat fuckers need is the munchies.
What type of cake makes you no longer have sex? Wedding cake.
What did the Physics professor say to the fat kid in school? "You've got a lot of potential!"
Why should you bury indians 10 feet deep? Because deep down they're good people
pros of android -sometimes you have a stylus -that's it -rent is coming up and you just ate a hot pocket with an ice cream scoop -do your dishes -you have to work in 3 hours pros of iphone -you have 1,000 fewer dollars -animated emojis are fun -how is the battery dead again
And then one day you realize you're older and fatter than old fat Elvis.
I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
What was the jew doing in the ashtray? Family research.
What do you call an Asian guy who is a member of ISIS? RICE-IS
How can you tell if a black guy is well hung? You can't fit your finger between the noose and his neck.
Queen Elizabeth II is the only person in Britain who can drive without a license because licenses are issued in the queen's name. She doesn't need to give herself one.
Not to brag, but sometimes my wife telling me about her day takes longer than the day she's telling me about.
I'm excited for today's L.A. Marathon, where people try to drive 26.2 miles in under four hours.
If I could only pick one desert island record, I'd choose whichever album is most canoe-shaped.
GOD: Make humans super super awake when it's time to go to bed, and super super tired when it's time to wake up. GOD'S ASSISTANT: Did you... Did you mean that the other way around? GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.
Reverse 180 what?!!! Yeah...that happened!!! Supernatura I
A man has been shot with a starting pistol. The police are pretty sure it's race related.
Mohammed spent a lot of time up mountains, slaying goats and raping children, Jesus spent a lot of time around the docks and managed to feed the 5000 on fish. And that, people, is the difference between gross prophet and net prophet.
What does a woman get every month that lasts 3-5 days? Her husband's salary.
My targeted ads keep trying to sell me a new mattress. Come on, Google. Stop pretending like you don't know exactly how much I have in the bank right now. Send me an ad for $5 footlongs or bulk rice or something.
Give your cats human names to make yourself sound like less of a loser. Coworker: What did you do last night? Me: Cuddled on the couch with Carol and Susan Coworker: 2 ladies? Atta boy! Me: Susan is a guy and Carol barfed on the blanket. Classic Carol Coworker:...?
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl I wanted my first night to be special.
People always ask 'how do you cope with erectile dysfunction'? Honestly, it's not that hard
What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin!
Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon. After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.
SPACEBAR: Show off. TAB: What did you just say to me? CAPS LOCK: CHILL, DUDE, HE'S NOT WORTH IT
Should have just said, 'Who wants a cocktail?' instead of 'Who will join me in briefly drowning out the shriek of The Abyss?'
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can always unscrew a light bulb.
Apparently gluten allergies don't exist during food shortages....
Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom.
How do Jewish mothers prevent wrinkles? Oil of Oy Vey.
When my wife always asks me if she looks frumpy, I can honestly tell her no, because I have no idea what frumpy means.
Musicologists now believe Beethoven wasn't really deaf, he just pretended to be to avoid hearing Schubert's boring stories about his fraternity pranks.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad"
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs? He did CrossFit.
A black guy goes up to his friend and says "I'm confused, this guy keeps calling me a ginger". His friend goes "he's just dyslexic".
My wife and I aren't exchanging gifts on Valentine's Day, which means she's not getting me anything and I'm getting her something because I'm afraid of her.
Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn't last as long for fat people.
Why do Catholics eat fish on Good Friday? Because Jesus died for our fins.
*wife wonders where I am in the store* *hears glass shatter* *knows where I am*
Instead of sweat pants, I call them jogging pants because it makes me sound athletic instead of lazy.
I told myself I should stop drinking, but I'm not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
I faked an orgasm so she wouldn't feel bad. The female doctor doing my prostate examination was not impressed.
When they said, "we're all in this together" they were actually talking about a big internet argument.
SuperMan, A Nice American and A fat American were having a race, who won ? the fat American, because the other 2 are fictional characters
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
You're lucky we're not having this argument in my head 11 hours from now because you would lose
What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches? On one hand, you have a watch, but on the other hand, you have a watch.
*sees my child reading a book Me: It's cute how kids need pictures in the books they read *opens phone *looks at memes
Did you know Hitler's father was a cobbler? He made Jews.
Three blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have saw it.
A suicide bomber says to his apprentice: "Watch carefully I can only do this once!"
Indians are better with computers because they are the 1's who invented 0's
I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you." I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right
I was walking by a car filled with black people. They locked the door when i came near. I felt like a bad ass until I realized it was my car
Wife: that's never going to work Husband: you're so negative, Sandra W: you're planting bird seeds H: LET ME GROW MY BIRDS, WOMAN
Some racists say black people are just white people that were left in the oven too long... If that's true, then all black people would be jewish.
I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere. Did I have a smug look on my face when I handed him his big mac and fries at the drive through.
When my wife is mad at me for something stupid I did in one of her dreams, I always ask her how she responded to in the dream to seem like I'm interested and to find out if it's something I could get away with it in real life.
I've just written a book about falling down a staircase. It's a step by step guide.
Why did the bachelors purchase double amputee strippers for their party? Because they were 50% off!
As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.
How is a toddler like a cell phone? If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.
What is the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven
The best part about being a vampire would be not being able to see yourself in the mirror when you're naked
I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious. She asked me to move out with her.
I usually don't tell people I'm a model because then I have to explain that sometimes heartburn medications need models.
Lifehack: Get a tattoo of your face on the top of your head so there's never a need to look up from your phone.
Alabama changed the legal drinking age to 33. They're trying to keep it out of high schools.
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night, set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
My girlfriend left me because she said I'm a "Clueless idiot." I didn't even know I had a girlfriend.
My girlfriend's such a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding. I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.
What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill? One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.
A Roman Emperor orders his guards to arrest his wife. He orders them to Ceas'er.
This morning I thought I was filled with a childlike sense of wonder, but it was just a norovirus.
Success is 50% inspiration, 50% perspiration, and 50% THE SECRET PERCENTAGE INCREASER MACHINE.
Tweet Activity: 480 impressions Total engagements: 159 Likes: 3 People Annoyed: 153 Wife Embarrassed: 1 Parents Disappointed: 2
Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
[first date] Her: I like sensitive men Me: (trying to impress) That offends me
The bowl names are getting more corporate and obscure, I thought to myself, while watching the Aveeno Therapeutic Shave Gel Bowl.
That awkward moment when the nurse is examining your balls and she asks you to stop running your fingers through her hair.
What do gay people call each other on? Homophones!
My wife wanted to brighten up the garden. So I planted some bulbs.
Why is there no black character in the game "Clue"? Because then it would be called "Solved." sorry
Just read a book about the history of glue. Couldn't put it down.
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?  Phone her.
Whenever we go out I always buy my wife two drinks. One for each face.
What do you call a deaf lesbian? Earmuff
therapist: how would you describe your stress friend: ooga chaca ooga ooga ooga chaca ooga ooga me: i can't stop this feelin deep inside of me
What are the best four years of a redneck's life? Sixth grade.
Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are.
Just learned the word for constipation in German. Farfrompoopen.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
What's the strongest color? Super Cyan
My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you fucking pay for this!" For the life of me, I couldn't think of what I had done wrong. Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn...
I fucking hate Fat Kids. They always win at seesaw.
How does Hitler tie his shoes? In little Nazis.
Why don't little girls fart? Because they don't get an asshole until they get married.
I washed the car with my 5 year old son today. When we finished, he said, "Next time dad, can you use a sponge?"
How much money do hookers with shallow vaginas make? Just the tips.
I was helping my dad with construction he told me to get the hammer but I accidentally gave him the drill. He said I could have nailed it but I screwed up.
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a priest, a rabbi and Adolf Hitler walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
79% of accidents happen at home. Finally, good news for the homeless.
A Jewish lawyer lost his job He celebrated the occasion with a disbar-mitzvah
My kid wanted to get a pet spider from the pet store, but they are really expensive. I can get a really cheap one off the web.
Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try. My fucking goldfish died.
2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people 1. They would spend it on alcohol. 2. I want to spend it on alcohol.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Did you hear about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes? They performed unspeakable acts on her.
When you become a vampire you gain immortality, but it hardly seems worth if you have to live forever without garlic bread.
[OC] What does a blind pessimist say? "What glass?"
If yodas were real we'd have bred teacup yodas by now. "Get those yodas as small as possible," is what we'd say.
I got into a fight with my erection this morning. I beat it single handedly.
When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body. Then I was born
People tell you to "fight like a man" but nobody ever expects me to do the splits and punch them in the crotch so I'm gonna keep doing that.
What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some lube
Today I bought the new 'Divorced Barbie' for my daughter. It came with all of Ken's accessories.
If there's one thing we've learned from stripper cops, it's that the police could make way more money getting naked than handing out tickets.
I should clean mirrors for a living. It's a profession I see myself in.
What do you call a closet full of lesbians? A liquor cabinet.
What game show do pickles play? Dill or No Dill
Not a single person asked me how fast I can run in my new trainers today. Being an adult is so fucking stupid.
How many people with dementia does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly* Me: Why is she so loud? Wife: That's how she talks. Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell "leopard" and "deaf" correctly. You're going to want to resist that.  Best band manager ever.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller
I was walking down the street one day when I heard someone playing Dancing Queen and Mamma Mia on the didgeridoo. That's Abba-rigonal
The most disappointing part of my trip to the USA was finding out Waffle Houses aren't even made of real waffles.
You know you're stoned when you try to put a poppadom in the DVD player. You know you're really stoned when a Bollywood movie starts playing.
How do you keep a homosexual in suspense... ...ill tell you later.
What do you get when you mix a rhinoceros with an elephant? Elephino...
I remember this one time I accidentally called my teacher 'mommy'. It was really embarrassing because I was an adult taking a cooking class.
I just had a delightful FaceTime call with my grandma's forehead.
How did the pharaoh get so rich? He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
What are some ways that the community can organize to support aging queer elders? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
The life expectancy for someone with HIV is 70 years... No wonder all Africans want it... it triples their life!
I once won a fight that was five against one. We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
According to Nintendo, Wario is not Mario's evil twin. They were actually childhood friends until Wario became jealous of Mario's good looks and advanced plumbing skills.
ME: We could all dunk if we lived on the moon because of the difference in gravity. MY FRIEND WHO NEVER HEARD OF BASKETBALL OR THE MOON BUT IS TRYING TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME BECAUSE HE FEELS GUILTY THAT WE FELL OUT OF TOUCH: Ha ha yeah man. Totally. It's so good to see you.
What's a blind person's favorite fast food joint? Taco Braille
"How long have you been talking like an old wizard?" "Countless moons"
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
*Losing at Scrabble* ME: You know the original name for this game was Scramble. YOU: Really? Why would they- *I flip the board so high it hits the ceiling fan and the tiles spray across the room*
I never shower before church. I like to sit in my own pew.
I still don't know what nougat is.
I have a phobia of over engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
Why should you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What do you call a marine who can't swim? A submarine. corny
After my recent prostate exam, which, I must say, was the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear. She said... "Who was that guy who just left?"
Whenever our newborn baby has been crying for hours in the middle of the night, and my wife and I feel like we can't go on, we just look at the 307 likes the baby announcement post got on Facebook and it makes it all worth it.
The barista said she liked my Dia de los Muertos skeleton costume. I'm not wearing a costume.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Whats the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest actually accomplishes something when triggered.
Me trying to decide if I want to buy a rockstar energy drink or a monster energy drink: 'Do I want to feel energized enough to melt faces or eat them?'
My wife said, "Why are you always pushing me around and talking behind my back?" I said, "well, you are in a wheelchair".
A Doctor, Nun, Priest, Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all walk into a bar. The barman takes one look and says: 'What is this, a joke?'
I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed. I think they should kill people who are named after him as well.
I hate black girls who work at McDonalds, they take your order with an attitude like you're the reason they've never met their dad.
I was feeling sad when crushing cans of Coke today. It was soda pressing
Before you can get a license to kill, you have to get your learners license, which means you're only allowed to kill people when you're with someone who has a full license.
After a long debate with my wife, I decided that we won't vaccinate our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us.
me: i wish youtube would still play when i switch apps youtube: would you like to pay money for that me: no youtube premium: ok i thought you were gonna say yes
By law, you are allowed to hit your child as long as you don't leave a red mark. Which is why I only hit black kids.
Is it possible the stock market keeps fluctuating so much because there's a cat sitting on its keyboard?
Girls look back at your wedding photos, if you are fatter than that, he is not happy..
What do you call a Mexican wrestler that only fights during his 12:00 break? A lunchador.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths me: i'm really good at making people question their reality interviewer: what does that mean me: [slightly tearing up] you really don't remember the accident do you
2 cats are racing across the English Channel, an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux trois." Which cat won the race? A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.
I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused on my trip to Japan Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer? Quacks in the pavement.
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: "Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."
Mom: I brought you into this world and I can take you out Me: Who taught you about laws, mom? Granny? Granny: I'm allowed to kill everyone
Gay or straight, No state should legally recognize a marriage if they don't serve alcohol at the wedding.
My personal trainer told me my legs look like twizzlers. I assume by that he meant long and delicious.
If you want to make your husband feel useless, crazy glue a jar shut and then tell him you need him to open it.
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windshield. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.
Do you have to be from Vietnam to open up a restaurant called "Viet Noms?" I'm asking for a friend
HER: it's so romantic when the power goes out ME: listen if we don't eat all this ground beef we'll have to throw it out
Why does the American border patrol guard take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks.
Did you hear about the watermelon bandit? He was a little seedy.
I was sexually active at 12 It's now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
Why can't gay people drive while they're aroused? Because they can't think straight.
me: help i'm being murdered 911: sounds like you're tattling me: what murderer: it does sound like you're tattling
Why wasn't the vampire killed? The vampire hunter made a miss-stake.
Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, keep your stuffed animals closest.
What do Nazi Germany and vaginas have in common? Their tendency to subjugate poles.
I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf so she would have to speak loudly and slowly. I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.
The best part about the internet is that you don't even have to leave your house to annoy people and make them hate you.
My wife keeps telling me that I'm the cheapest person she has ever met in her life. I'm not buying it.
Tell me the truth, am I out of touch with the common man?' I ask. 'Maybe a little,' says my butler. I scoff, but my mouth is so full of aged tawny port that I start coughing and almost choke. He pats me on the back a few times. 'Don't touch me without your gloves,' I wheeze.
What's the difference between me and a Jew? I sing in the shower.
this valentines day, remember that mark zuckerberg sees every nude you send through facebook messenger with his empty fish eyes
Watching Grey's Anatomy teaches me that if I'm really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
How bad must the rest of the sperm be if a Down Syndrome wins the race.
There's a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L's
It is said that the Welsh were the first to use condoms, by making them out of sheep intestines. But the English perfected this technique by removing them from the sheep first.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? Are you having a crisis?
Which southeast Asian drink is more popular, the iced tea or the coffee? Neither. It's a Thai.
Why did Hitler suicide? He got the gas bill
The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is... ...you know what? Never mind. It's FINE.
I love women who want equality. I especially like the look on their faces when you tell them you're not paying, after you've drunk champagne and eaten the most expensive meal on the menu.
Shout-out to our moms that be coming in clutch as grandmas to help us out with the twins. Also┠y'all be driving us crazy!!! Lol Love you
A cop pulls over a rabbi on Yom Kippur. He says "I pulled you over for speeding". Rabbi goes "I wasn't speeding, I was fasting".
PROFESSOR X: what exactly is your mutant power? *I whisper "it's not very good" in his left ear but he hears it in his right ear*
Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife? Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.
The carpool lane is the TSA pre-check of rush hour. Used to be cool tell everybody got someone to ride with.
I caught my son chewing electrical cords So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
Does anyone else think Oreo's resemble life. 2 blacks gang-banging a defenseless white girl.
When I eat raisins, I feel like I'm chomping up some grape's grandmother.
The hot blonde walked up to the bartender and asked for a double entendre... The bartender gave it to her.
Breaking News: In the Atlantic Ocean a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint It's believed both crews have been marooned.
Wal-Mart has stopped selling guns and e-cigarettes in its quest to make sure everyone dies of diabetes.
What did the sheep say to the sheepdog faking deafness? "You herd me!"
You know those do not disturb signs for hotel door knobs? I need one of those to wear around my neck.
Me: Hey lady, you can't park there. Her: I'm just running into Starbucks. Me: Oh shit, my bad. Laws don't apply to you then.
A Baptist college is kicking out a student who is transitioning. They're becoming a Methodist.
Wow tough guy, you argued with me on the internet. I dare you to come to my house.... You'll have to deal with my mom.
Octopus arm should be called an eightacle. Nobel prize please. Literature or science.
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as "The most violent book I have ever read"
My therapist won't validate my parking but he will validate my feelings about it.
Toilet paper is one of the toughest items to buy in the grocery store. It's so hard to decide if you'd rather wipe your butt with a cuddly bear or some soft white kittens.
I fucked an arthritic woman yesterday. What a cracker.
What do you call a bee that never quite made it in the hive? A wanna bee.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can't park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
What did Helen Keller scream when she got mugged? Nothing. It was winter and she had mittens on.
How does a mama pig put her piglets to sleep?  She reads them pig tales.
Me: It's very presumptuous of us to call it 'snail mail'... for all we know, snails are really efficient at delivering mail. And if that's the case, we as a society look pretty stupid right now. Wife: Ugh. Remind me to not ask you what you're thinking about when you're quiet.
I don't wanna brag, but there were fireworks in the bedroom last night. I set them off while my wife was sleeping. It was awesome.
Your momma is so stupid that she thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
The secret to a good date is to leave them wanting more... tell them you're going to the restroom but then go home instead.
The Old Testament is the historical record of the first time we Jews controlled the media.
ME: It's amazing the excuses people will come up with to justify their laziness. ALSO ME: If god wanted me to comb my hair he would have made my hand a comb.
Why does Germany have so many different kinds of bread? Well, we had to do something with the ovens.
I just got back from this game that I was playing that sucked me into a world where they cut off my foreskin, made me wear a silly hat and grow ringlets, and I had to avoid the 'showers'. Jewmanji.
Why aren't Mexicans ever indecisive? Because if they're on the fence too long they get caught.
There are 37 genders. Male, female and 35 kinds of faggot.
What do you call a bear that's stuck out in the rain? A drizzly bear.
The main reason I had kids was so to finally have a legitimate excuse for being late all the time for everything.
A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments. That has left scientists scratching their heads.
The Dentist says, "When was the last time you flossed?" The Patient replies, "You should know, you were there!"
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly? A cannibble.
How do Muslims like to make their pizzas spicy? They add halalapeno.
Why did the man open a rooftop bar? He wanted to have drinks on the house.
A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!" "Why?" says his wife, a little surprised "Because it's holding me back!"
Whoever stole my anti depressants. I hope you're happy now.
In the new millennial-inspired Bible, the Last Supper is now a vegan brunch.
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper? Megasoreass.
Question for the man with the medically grafted penis growing out of his arm: Are you getting more--or fewer--rides when you hitchhike?
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes. But that's Heinz sight for you.
Antivax mothers all over America think that their children are safe because of believing in Jesus. And like Jesus, their children could die because of a rusty nail.
A more appropriate name for Fibre One bars would've been Fibre Two bars... you know, cause they make you poop?
I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends". Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.
If they didn't want people to be afraid of dying on an airplane, maybe they shouldn't have named the airport a terminal.
My biggest worry with smart devices that can talk to each other is that they probably talk behind my back and laugh about what a loser I am.
My girlfriend wanted to have a talk about how childish i am But she didn't have the secret password to my pillow fort so she couldn't get in
I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it's very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order. I should probably have stopped when I got to her name.
You get one McDonald's fry per order that is longer than any potato that's ever existed.
You wouldn't call me lazy if you saw the long list of things I did in order to avoid being productive.
My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing. Apparently, "Heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity... Well, her exact words were "time and distance" but I knew what she meant.
ME AT 13: It's really weird that owls cough up pellets. ME AT 31: [waking up in a cold sweat] Does that mean owls don't have butts?
me: [rolls down window] what seems to be the problem officer cop: get the fuck out of my car
Life cycle of the male sex drive Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly Ages 32-55: Try-weekly Over 55: Try-weakly
I slept with my best friend's wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.
"I left your tuxedo in your closet, Mr. Phoenix" "My what closet?" *butler sighs, completely tired of living* "Your Joaquin closet, sir"
If I had a dime for every time a homeless person asked me for change, I'd still say no.
Ladies, be sure to compliment yo manz on his gym gains. Even if he's got some ways to go, he will always look back and remember when you gassed him up
"I think I'm a psycho," I said to the doc, "I like women's boobies." He smiled and winked at me, "I like them too." "Oh good," I replied, "do you want to come see my collection."
Heavy rains kill 73 in Pakistan. I guess even God couldn't stand the smell any longer.
I went to a restaurant yesterday and the waitress had a black eye. When I ordered I spoke very slowly, because clearly she didn't listen well.
I just tweeted from a desktop computer, just like our ancestors used to
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank; I have no words for how angry I am.
My friend claims that he 'accidentally' glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.
I went jogging but came back after five minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than five minutes.
YOU: I feel so much better since I started eating more fruits and vegetables. ME: [lighting a french fry like a cigarette] You're weak.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
*Realizing I have a captive audience* ME: So... why do they call it an ambulance? Am i right? If people die on the way to the hospital, do they call it a wasbulance? PARAMEDIC: Sir, every word you say makes a little more blood squirt out of you.
Instagram banned me for life cuz I kept commenting 'but are you happy?' on everyone's pictures.
Me: Ever seen someone write a check with 9 zeroes on it? Impressed? Cashier: You put them all in front of the one. It's for $1 Me: Please don't cash it until next week.
The following random syllables are hereby offered as names for your new app: Buzu, Spotchi Jimsin, Plantic, Tanco and Spoob.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they're for multiple people*
We got a fridge with an ice maker because it's nice to have ice on demand and hear suspicious noises in your house at 3 in the morning
My boss touched me inappropriately at work today. Its okay though, i'm self-employed
What's the difference between Jesus and a vagina? A vagina is still good after a couple of nails
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy? A Cameron Diaz Say It Out Loud
If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P
My Dad got a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle". When I looked confused he said, "no ballroom"
My kid's insults to each other: "you have fat lips like Momma." "well, you have a big butt like Momma. Thanks, kids.
My new credit card gives me 2% cash back on 102% of my purchases.
I went for my interview to be a bus driver I told them 'Sorry I'm late' They said 'you're hired'
I just completed 100 push-ups. (I started last November.)
My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence...
My friend filled an entire swimming pool up with herbs. He had a lot of thyme on his hands.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all  night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
I've told my new girlfriend that my Mom is deaf so she needs to speak loud and slow. I've told my Mom that my new girlfriend is retarded. Today they meet for the first time... I'm just going to sit back and watch
therapist: "remember there are no stupid questions" wife: "okay" therapist: "keith you start" me: "do sharks ever need to have a bath?"
My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library. I said it's for shelf-defense.
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...? Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.
I like doing the washing up, it's meditative and helps me make important decisions. For example, last night I decided my wife is lazy so I'm going to divorce her.
Apparently they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a Man asking a Woman how her day was...
If the Christmas carolers at my door are really good, I turn my red swivel chair dramatically toward them.
What do you call a ginger kid who's good at martial arts? The Carroty Kid.
Last year, my family started a tradition of putting up a 'Christmas skeleton' because it works so well with our other tradition, 'not putting away the Halloween decorations.'
The name Red Lobster is helpful if you totally forgot what color lobsters are.
I'm a Mexican with a black belt Call me Juan Punch
A policeman pulled me over and said... "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "Because you wanted to see how tall I am?" "Step out of the car sir," he ordered. I said, "See, I told you!" Pig cunt.
What do Jewish women get when they go to the gynecologist? A pap schmear.
I want to dedicate this Dad joke to my father, who is a roofer. So dad if you're up there...
The one thing I'd really like to do before I die is cure death.
Now that the weather is warm, it's so nice to be able to be outdoors while I stare at my phone.
me: i really don't think orange brings out my eyes prison guard: i really don't give a fuck
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."
What's the most popular pub in the Middle East? The Allahu ak-Bar
A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. He raises his eyes to the heavens and said: "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit. We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens. Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly' isn't having the effect we thought it would.
Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans? So people can read her lips.
What happens if you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.
You know you're getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn't say anything back.
"The swear jar is full. What do we do now?" "We buy a fucking boat and sail out of this bullshit town."
You ever stick your dick in pecan pie? It's fucking nuts.
To avoid all this bathroom controversy, I've just been going in the woods.
Lifehack: Tell everyone you have a peanut allergy. It'll make faking your death a lot easier down the road.
Little Drummer Boy: I'll play my best for him! (hammering on the drums) Mary: Stop! You're waking the baby! Joseph: This is the worst Christmas gift ever! Drummer boy: What?! I can't hear you over these drums!
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I wish I was sleepwalker. It'd be way easier to get in my 10,000 steps.
Why did the lion cross the road? To stop the zebra crossing.
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults, I don't listen - and something else.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives corny
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
What's the difference between a coyote and a flea? One howls on the prairie while the other prowls on the hairy.
What if farting was contagious like yawning
What's black, blue and doesn't look too well? Stevie Wonder
BRAIN: Oh my, this food is really spicy. We should probably do something to cool down the mouth. BODY: Don't worry, I got this. *Sweat starts pouring out of forehead* BRAIN: I was thinking more the mouth... BODY: More you say? *Sweat starts pouring out of back and armpits*
Black ice is just like regular ice... Except it's a better dancer...
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze. corny
When my wife told me to stop imitating flamingos, I had to put my foot down
Me: everyone loves the clever nicknames I come up with Divorced Parents Rhonda: not everyone
What would you call a German-Muslim? A Nazi Terrorist
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today. It was because I'll only work on two sundaes a month.
My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child. So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
Racism is a subjective matter there are no black and white solutions
[on a sailboat on a beautiful day] Sailor: Why so disappointed? Me: No reason. Sailor: What is it? Me: I just thought you guys would swear more. Sailor: Geez Louise, that's too bad.
WIFE: you're so overly dramatic ME: no i'm not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting "no he's not"] dammit guys, not now
I like when the shoe salesman puts the shoe on for me. I am 85% more likely to buy new shoes if I feel like Cinderella.
My wife's cooking is so bad, we don't pray before but after our meal.
I met my wife in an African Languages class We just clicked
I could tell instantly that my mate Dave's transgender operation was a 100% success... "Is everything alright Davina?" I asked him/her/him/her/him/her oh fuck knows. "I'm fine" he/she snapped.
Terrorists are so slutty They'll blow on the first date
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama. Cause you don't turn your back on family.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.
I look better without my glasses Or maybe it's just that I can't see how ugly I am in the mirror without them.
The best assemble-yourself furniture comes with a few spare screws, spare bolts, and a pint of O-positive blood.
If you think vests come in 2 different styles Bullet proof and suicide, you may be muslim
What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus? The look on their face when you're nailing them.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
The main reason I've never joined a religious cult is I'm not a fan of Kool-aid, other than that I totally would.
What do you get when Italians join ISIS? Baked Yazidi
An 89 is just a 69 with a fat chick.
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You would too if your name was "adkwodrtrgfvnfif"
Robocop's costume was so bulky that it wouldn't fit into his police car when filming the movie. Every time you see Robocop driving, he's not wearing his Robo-Pants.
My gay friend told me he's spending this 4/20 with his boyfriend. He said, "After all, the Bible says 'Two men who lie together shall be stoned'."
me: i'm a record breaker her: if you say you destroy vinyl records i'm leaving you me: no i mean i actually broke a record her: for what me: for the most vinyl records destroyed
When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja. Impressive.
I love autumn in California: watching the leaves change color because they're on fire.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
When my wife tell's me "you were fantastic last night" it's usually because I didn't snore and wake her up.
There's Angie, and then there's Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
What are rich people called in Japan? Milyennaires
What do you call a Muslim woman without a burka? Dead.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer. Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Turns out that I love "reheated coffee" more than I love "brewing a fresh pot of coffee."
I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella, but he hesitated.
Accidentally called 911. Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
Valentine's Day soon, Ladies! But don't bother getting me what you got me last year. I've got enough fucking restraining orders as it is.
I never put the Sunny D back in the refrigerator when I'm done with it... by then I'm already on the other side of Walmart and the jug is pretty much empty.
Weekends are all about relaxing. And by relaxing, I mean running errands with my wife and being told about how we need to get our life in order.
Me and my girlfriend were talking names for our baby, she said, "I want something original!" I said, "How about Werthers?"
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
How do you seduce a fat woman? PIece of cake.
Historical fact: When Galileo said the Earth revolves around the Sun, Pope Paul V said, 'Fake news. Sad.'
What do you call the killing of Chinese baby girls? Youth-in-Asia
Why do they call them 'jews'? "'jew gonna do anything with that, 'cause I can take it off your hands?"
Guys are like “they/them” is too confusing, but then are experts at Settlers of Catan.
I'm so tired of jokes about gay people I mean come on guys
What do lawyers wear to work? A lawsuit.
How do you know if somebody's Christian? Don't worry, They'll fucking tell you.
Right said Fred gets me every time! Haha. You go Deanmon now put a shirt on. What the hell?
The thesaurus is a writer's best friend because most of us don't know how to make real friends.
Instead of a check engine light in your car, it should just be picture of you handing a mechanic a pile of money.
How do you fix a deaf car? With an engin*eer.*
That's not my carbon footprint, it's Jesus's.
I'm too ugly to be a stripper. But a reverse stripper? I think people would pay a lot of money to get me to put my clothes back on.
School rang me today and said, 'Your son's been telling lies'.... I replied, 'Well tell him he's fucking good at it - I haven't got a son'....
Fat people just want to get into your pantries.
Why are muslim charities the worst to donate to? Because they are for prophet.
What language do oranges speak? Mandarin.
What are a redneck's last two words before dying ? WATCH THIS !
My mother-in-law has been dieting for years. But it's only recently that she's finally achieved, in my humble opinion, the ideal weight. 2.5lbs, which includes the urn.
Someday we'll all look back on this and scream.
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic? Ian.
genie: i will grant you any wish me: i wish soup was spelled like soop genie: [frowning] no
You ever notice how you never see Peter Parker wearing shorts in any of the Spider-Man movies? It's because he's extremely self conscious about the excessively hairy legs he got after the spider bite.
I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex He's a small arms dealer.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
You just know I knew my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load early last night....I could see it in her eyes
My Grandpa: I need therapy because I was shot at in the war Me: I need therapy because a stranger on the internet talked to me in all caps locked
What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
My wife says I'm the cheapest man in the world. I'm not buying it.
Why do riot police get to work early? To beat the crowd
I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters. If you want, I can samurais it for you.
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta. Now it's a @FordFocus
How do jellyfish live without brains They are blond
My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body. I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
My wife said I needed to grow up I was speechless It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
What do you get when you cross a Jew? Christianity.
My least-favorite comeback of all time: measles.
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists. I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family. The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
Apparently, halal chicken is killed in the traditional Muslim way. How the fuck do you strap a rucksack to a chicken?
How do deaf mathematicians communicate? Through sine language.
What do you call a hooker that was shot by a sniper? 360 hoscope
Got a new job at the guillotine factory. I'll beheading there shortly.
Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? He's a small medium at large.
Why did the Dalai Lama go to Mexico? So he can be juan with everything.
Tinder, but for hot cinnamon buns in my area.
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I'm giving my family smallpox.
A wise Chinese man once said, "If a dog barks it's undercooked"
I lost my job as a stage designer, I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs. She's a mathmachicken.
Why do golf announcers whisper? Because they don't want to wake up the people watching.
I saw a group of transvestites driving really fast... ... it took me a while to realise that they were drag-racing.
"Dad, on my way home from school I saw Santa beating a Pakistani man up outside a shop. " "Well son, I don't know what to say to you, I'm shocked. " "So am I dad, I only posted the letter yesterday"
I love visiting NYC because it's the only time I can enjoy the smell of hot pretzels without worrying that it's an aneurysm.
ME: It's not easy to make me laugh. I have a pretty refined sense of humor. ME: [when I see a picture of any animal wearing sunglasses] Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... hahahahahaha... hahahaha... heee heee... where'd you get those?
What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed? Sea kelp.
When I get heavier, I am actually easier to pick up. What am I? A woman
Why don't you ever see three mexicans crossing the border at the same time? Because the signs say "No trespassing"
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves. Today was the top of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
[God creating toddlers] God: Give them the ability to change the language settings of any television within seconds of touching the remote.
9 out of 10 men prefer large tits. The other man prefers the 9 men.
I really feel like I could be a good detective if they just gave me a badge and a gun and let me do my thing.
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell. It was a brief case.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him. He just can't part with it.
Q: why you can't smoke weed with Mexicans A: Because when you ask them for papers they run away
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
A guy in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.
How I know I am not a Racist... Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
The Job Promotion Saudi Arabia just announced that someone was promoted be the new Oil Minister. That would make it a sheikh-up in the government.
What you called a fat Chinese man? Chunk
Scientists publish the first picture of black hole... I saw that several years ago on Pornhub.
**Finds old Ouija board** "I don't know guys" "What's the worst that could happen?" "Spirits of the dead give us your message!" W-E-H-A "Guys--" "Shut up" W-E-H-A-V-E-U "Guys--" "Keep going" W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-L-I-C-Y
I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.
One of the most unsolvable conundrums of food math is: Peanuts + Nice Grapes = Yuck Peanuts + Old Dried Up Grapes = Yum?
I just joined a gym for religious minorities. Jehova's Fitness
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans... I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
If ever I commit murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread. Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.
What does "The Sixth Sense" have in common with "Titanic"? Icy dead people.
Life hack: If you run out of breadcrumbs for a recipe, turn your computer keyboard over and shake it.
If it hurts when you piss. Urine trouble.
What's the best part about having a blind partner? You know they won't be seeing other people.
In Indiana, a 94-year-old woman has worked at McDonald's for the past 44 years. And she's almost finished paying off her student loans.
As I was entering a singles bar last night the bouncer started patting me down. He said, "Have you got anything on you that you shouldn't have?" "Yes," I replied. "My wedding ring!"
I like being old. I was never cool, so this is a better fit for me.
I like the kind of mysteries where they make you suspicious of everyone so at the end I can say 'ah yes I was suspicious of them'
Never ask white Americans what their ethnicity is unless you wanna hear a list of every European country and meaningless fractions.
me: [drops an ice cube] the tribe of ants that live under my fridge: we have been blessed with a gift from the overworld my brothers
My wife yelled at me saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
Did you guys hear about the girl that had three vaginas? She kept getting fucked left, right and centre.
tv remotes that have separate buttons for on and off need to calm the fuck down
I'm glad no one takes the Bible verse "Naked I came into this world and naked I shall depart" literally, otherwise those would be some disturbing open casket funerals.
I'm so proud of my self, I decided I'm going to stop procrastinating and do something with my life! Starting tomorrow...
What do you call a lumberjack with a website? A b-logger.
Husband says to his wife "do you smell that" wife says "no?" Husband says "me neither so start cooking"
Why did the mathematician ignore the tan lady on the beach? He was too concerned with the tan gent.
How can you spot a Jewish Ethiopian? He's got a Rolex around his waist.
When a bear stays in bed for 7 months in a row, they call it hibernation. But when I do it, everyone says I'm depressed
gave my wife a pedicure just so I could write in my diary "I nailed her...10 TIMES IN A ROW". Ha ha, jokes on you, Masculinity.
By legalizing Cannabis and; same-sex marriage we interpreted the bible correctly. "A man who lays with another man should be stoned."
Lady at the door asked if I'd found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don't think she'll be back.
Just because I tweeted about El Pollo Loco, they sent us a huge spread of free food. They are truly the Cadillac CT6 Platinum Trim (Black Exterior/Auburn Interior) of restaurant chains.
I always leave my parents’ house five pounds heavier and ten years older.
My wife just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.
A very drunk man walks into a bar He yells: two large beers and a packet of crisps please! Lady: sir, this is a library. Man, whispering: two large beers and a packet of crisps please!
SHARK ATTACKS ARE AT A RECORD HIGH Australia: Let's put nets out to keep bathers safe. USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes. He really gets a kick out of it.
What's the difference between batman and a black man? Batman can go out at night without Robin.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage h
doctor: i'm afraid the operation left you completely blind me: i see doctor: oh cool then forget I said anything
I knew I was ready to have children when I went 3 weeks without dropping my phone.
Why did the black man go to the golf-club on Sunday afternoon? Because he had a membership.
I've just noticed my wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing She's behind with the washing.
Did u hear about the prostitute with no legs? She's selling it for half off.
*I blow out the birthday candles* FRIEND: What did you wish for? ME: [After wishing everyone on earth would learn to mind their own business] Nothing. Wishing is stupid.
How do you keep a person in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow.
What do you call it when homosexual congressmen have lunch together? A Federal Mandate
What kind of batteries do Canadians get the most excited about? AA
Misha Collins close ur robe...seriously. Family show. Come on!
*Driving in my car* MY BRAIN: ... *Walking through the park* MY BRAIN: ... *Relaxing in the tub* MY BRAIN: ... *The second I actually need to concentrate on something* MY BRAIN: DO MONKEYS HAVE THEIR BABIES UP IN THE TREES?!?!?
I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today, but he just shouted very rudely, "Get your own sandwich!"
What do you call a gay guy paralyzed from the neck down? A Tomato (because he's both a fruit AND a vegetable)
What do you call the underground slave trade? The black market.
Are there any prostitutes you can hire just to talk to you??? Apparently they are called therapist.
getaway driver: [holding bullet wound] ah god it hurts me: [thinking about how he didn't hold the door for me on the way out of the bank] y'know what else hurts
The most important part of making LABOR DAY jokes is to have a PREGNANT PAUSE before you DELIVER the punch line. This is some of the best comedy gold I've ever written.
I got stung by an applebee and now I'm going into bananaphylactic shock.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Asian? A car thief who can't drive.
John Hamm's real name is Toilet Sandwich Meat
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds. What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend? 45 minutes
If the Founding Fathers were alive today, they'd probably win Dancing with the Stars. Those gentlemen were quite agile.
I proposed to my Mexican girlfriend but she said... I wasn't the Juan.
I buy sheets with a high thread count because I deserve the finer things in life and they give me something to count while I'm laying awake worry about things that will never happen.
For a first date date, my girlfriend wasn't impressed when I tried to drive over the frozen lake drunk. But, it was an icebreaker.
Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you." She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?" I said, "It's me talking to the beer."
On Valentine's Day, show her how much you care about her by using a Groupon.
I hide eating treats from my kids with the same level of anxiety I did drinking alcohol from my parents.
In college I was so broke I couldn't afford the electricity bill. Those were the darkest days of my life.
Geez guys Not all Muslims are ISIS... Some are Al-Qaaeda or Taliban.
My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she is a keeper.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. rofl
What is made of leather, a foot long and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
Can you imagine if none of the midwives showed up for a birth? That would be a midwife crisis
Sometimes I like to eat an entire carton of ice cream because I love myself but also because I hate myself.
What concert ticket costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
What do Ethiopians get for Christmas? Hungry christmas jokes
My friend shouted, "You have a BA, a Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!" It was a third degree burn
Scientists have recreated the face of a teenage girl from 9,000 years ago. Careful analysis shows she died of embarrassment over something her mom did.
How my day went today 1. Woke up 2. Went to work 3. Saw hot girl 4. Kissed the girl Too bad it happened in the order 2,3,4,1.
I know a girl who is completely obsessed with Mexican men. She's a Pedrophile.
"Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop" Ok hold up *pulls out iphone* "Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop" ISIS:"ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?"
I let a blind man borrow some money the other day He said he'll pay me back the next time he saw me
My wife is incredibly smart. When I called her from my buddy's phone she answered 'hey love.' She already knew it was me!
I once thought I had a Japanese friend. But it was just my imagine Asian.
Jesus spoke to me yesterday... But I don't like talking to my roofers, so I had his brother Juan tell him not to do that in the future.
TOMMY GRASSSEED: Well well well if it isn't Lazy John. JOHNNY APPLESEED: Fuck off, Thomas.
If Star Wars is a "space opera" then anything can be an opera. Air Bud is a dog opera. Beethoven is also a dog opera. We have several dog operas.
What do you call a Cult that is hard to get into? Diffi-cult
If I had a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be like, "Why ya'll keep giving me all these dimes?"
I can't believe I had my wife in tears this morning for something so small and trivial. All I did was rub an onion in her eyes.
Yo momma Is so ugly, she has masturbate with a bag over her head.
I only date right handed women... Righty tighty, lefty loosey
What do you call a muslim sitting on a plane? A passenger
I thought I would go and help out in Africa... ...turns out they have enough aids.
A student visits the principal's office The principal asks: "What is your name?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david." The principal asks: "Do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right? Because women are always right, even when they're full of shit.
I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.
Me: have you ever pooped your pants by accident as an adult? Coworker: no Me: so, always on purpose then? Coworker: ...
me: i heard staying up too late can cause hallucinations elmo with teeth: that sounds made up
*Listens to my friend explain his ideal woman* Dude, that's just a mix of your mom and Mulan.
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here; I'll go on ahead.
Who needs a phone to distract you from reality, when you have plenty of imaginary arguments in your head to keep you busy.
People with gender dysphoria tend to be great businessmen. Every action they take is a trans-action.
My IT guy just asked, "How does a computer get drunk?" It takes screen shots.
What do you call a Communist sniper? A Marxman. corny
*pretty girl walks by and doesn't make eye contact* She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
What do the Egyptians call a man who cannot keep his opinions to himself? IMHOtep
What do you call a Jewish minister that barbecues? A Ribeye.
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick. Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
I find sex is just like peeling a potato really. There's usually a knife in my hand.
The human body is made up of 70% water... the other 30% is made up of stupidity.
WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born? ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC
When my toddler gets upset, he does this stomping his feet thing. The biggest problem is how hard it is to take him seriously when he looks like he's doing the river dance.
A pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back. "I wouldn't worry about it," said the doctor, "They're benign." "Count 'em again doc," said the pirate, "You'll find there be ten."
Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend? Because they're both cauldron
me: hey what's your ring size her: omg why me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Why does a white guy go to a brothel? For pleasure. Why does a black guy go to a brothel? He's looking for his mother.
I hate it when a girl introduces herself as "Toni with an 'I', not 'Y'." Fucking retard, Toni begins with a T.
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died? My Korea is over
what do you call a hooker with a runny nose? full.
Why is a bullet like a gay man? When it gets it in the ass, he blows his load!
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a hooker? When I'm choking the lawnmower, I don't stick my dick in it.
The thing I hate about k9 officers is seeing a dog with a more successful career than me
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
People who support the Endangered Species Act haven't tasted my Bald Eagle Souffle
I saw a "news" report about this guy in India who was born with five penises. *His underwear fits like a glove.*
Did you hear a Payless Shoe Source got looted in Ferguson? The only thing left were the work boots. too soon
Her: What do you do? Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
How do you know an Asian broke into your home? Your dog has been eaten, math homework's done, and he's still trying to leave your driveway.
My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
Do you think that all this poverty in Africa is just Gods way of saying that he didn't mean to create black people?
How do farmers party? They turnip the beets.
My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me So I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun
There were two chefs who got married, she was Chinese and he was German. They opened a restaurant together. The food is good, but a half hour after you eat dinner, you're hungry for power.
Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water? If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
What did Tennessee. The same thing Arkansas.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton! "
Did you guys hear about the murderer who stole a train in Mexico? They say he had a loco motive.
A Down Syndrome walks into a bar. Barman says "Why the mong face?"
My Mom always says 'homemade gifts are the best.' Hope she enjoys the meth.
My wife says she's reading a book about leadership to help her advance at work and be a better professional, but I bet it's to lead a team of evil villains who will rob banks and do bad stuff. She's not fooling me.
Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle... It was an ether/oar situation.
How do you confuse a 7 year old? Gay
What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder without a protein shake? No whey José
Without fail, Instagram’s “you’re all caught up!” reminder sends deep into a dark place.
I'm just like you. I get up and put on my pants two legs inside the same leg, collapse to the ground, and scream for my manservant Mr. Moto.
There was a streaker at the first football game my dad ever took me to. It scarred me for life, mostly because the streaker was my dad.
How long do you think it will take for gays to find out? That a gay marriage is as much an oxymoron as a gay funeral?
What does the head of the Catholic Church used to buy goods online? Papal
If you throw a ping pong ball in the air, no less than 45 Chinese people will materialize to catch it & start a tournament.
90% of being a married man - when your wife is being quiet, trying to figure out if she's just tired, or if you're in huge trouble.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
I love the change of season from summer to fall. It's just so nice to hear people complain about pumpkin spice instead of politics.
My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.
Why do Black women have such large pockets? Somewhere to put their lipstick.
What has mass but doesn't take up space? The Catholic religion
My girlfriend snores very loudly Guess she knows how to sleep soundly
When a woman breast feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops
You know what my favorite thing about being Russian is? Getting to vote in American elections.
I failed my biology test today. There was a question that asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" I guess my teacher didn't think "black people" was a good answer.
What did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals? He got a woodpecker.
The letter O is just the number 0 after a cruise buffet
I spent 15 mins saying positive mantras to myself this morning in the mirror. It made me feel pretty good, but I got weird looks from everyone else at the gym.
Don't eat royal sausage in Vietnamese noodle soup Trust me, it's the Pho King Wurst
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy". He's an artificial sweetner.
How do you greet a slice of bread in Germany? Gluten tag! 
The furniture store keeps calling me back, but all I wanted was that one nightstand.
I want the Cubs to break the curse, but I want it to be the Curse of Tutankhamun.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob.
What did the Catholic Mexican say to greet the Greek God of Thunder? "hey zeus!"
You wouldn't catch me sucking an African woman's feet. I'm black toes intolerant.
Why did the conjoined twins go to England? So the other one could learn how to drive
Marriage Protip: dipping your wife's hand in warm water while she sleeps provides a good excuse to buy a new mattress and upgrade your bed situation.
BOOK: She gazed upon the sun-dappled lawn. ME: I know what that means. The sun is always dappling stuff, especially lawns. Carry on, book. I'm smart.
My wig, prosthetics, and makeup artist cost $2,000, but with them I can roam the Pasadena Flea Market undisturbed, looking for porcelain hands
I was sitting on the toilet and having a poop when the clock struck midnight. Same shit, different day.
Saw a homeless guy in a doorway and I asked, "Would you like an air mattress to sleep on buddy?" He replied, "Oh yeah, thanks man!" I chuckled, "Here, you can have this old air guitar too."
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Those dirty bastards.
What does a slutty horse wear on its hooves? Whoreshoes.
It pisses me off when black people start accusing white people of 'cultural appropriation'. We didn't say anything when they started shooting people with guns instead of throwing spears at them, did we?
There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.
Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.
ME IN PUBLIC: I don't believe in ghosts. ME WHEN I'M ALONE AND HEAR ANY CREAK IN THE HOUSE: Pappy?
Ladies, never agree to do an@l, save it for when you do something so bad a blowjob can't fix things.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Let the gluttony begin. Go Cowboys
me: i have a question about your virgin olive oil cashier: what's going on am i in a twitter joke me: who, shut up, who fucks your oil
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say "Hello". My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away.
The Kardashian Family motto: Getting black men off since the OJ trial.
If you ever quit twitter, instead of writing something sanctimonious, write "About to go skydiving. Wish me luck!" and then never post again
Child to his mum; "Mummy, what is dark humour?" "Well sweetheart, you see that man over there with no arms?" "No Mummy, I"m blind" "Exactly"
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous... The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
I took a poll the other day. Turns out 100% of people get angry when their tents fall down.
Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would have been too farty.
Africans have the best drinking games. Like, the last one to find the water dies
I don't know why women are always bragging about being able to multi-task. It's really just a side effect of their complete inability to make up their mind.
My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.
My favourite word is snigger It allows me to be sracist without speople sthinking I'm a sbad sperson
Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth. And then they'll be sorry.
When your girlfriend is PMS'ing, cheer her up by showing her that "totally weird" text you got from your ex last night.
When my wife was having our baby, I tried to distract her by telling Dad jokes. She wasn't amused. Must have been the delivery.
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex? Micro trans-action
Q: What do you say to comfort a grammar nazi? A: "There, their, they're."
After a bad day at work, I like to relax at home by replaying the days events over and over again in my head.
I have just released my own fragrance. The people sitting near me on the bus don't look like they appreciate it.
What type of sea creature do Chinese fishermen catch? Crust-asian
What's the difference between a casino and a church? You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread. It's a naan stick pan.
My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said "WTF man, it's 2020. You can use whatever printer you want."
*smokes fat doobie* *enters hotdog eating contest* *sets Guinness World Record* *gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
When my wife says 'I need to talk to you about something' to me, there is a 99% chance it's not good. When I say ' I need to talk to you about something' to her, there is an 85% chance it will be followed by a fart.
When one door closes another one opens... if that were true, imagine trying to get in the car. It would be like an episode of Mr Bean.
My girlfriends threatened to leave me because of my obsession with flamingos.... So I've had to put my foot down.
[job interview] Boss: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably in the mirror, unless technology has changed by then.
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture. I told her that I am looking for matches.
I hate people who are superficial... especially the ones who are weird looking.
A dad joke so bad, your children go out to buy cigarettes and never come home
When checking out at the grocery store, I always pick the cashier who's most likely to have sex with me. I always end up at the self check out.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian. I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
The sun is out. So much for global nighting.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer. Brrrr it's cold in this doghouse :(
First woman on the moon W: Houston, we have a problem H: What is it? W: Nevermind its nothing H: What is the problem? W: Nothing... H: Tell us what the problem is! W: NO!
What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys? Coach. What do you call one white guy surrounded by 100 black guys? Warden.
A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request. The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.
Having your salad dressing on the side is fine until your main salad dressing finds out about it
Just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.
First date... Her: So what do you do? Me: I'm currently working to kill all cancers. Her: Wow that's Impressive! Me: Then I'll move to Virgos...
What do you call a rough Italian neighborhood? A Spaghetto
Why can you only get castrated once ? Because you don't have the balls to do it a second time.
I consider a hostile work environment any office that has a Karaoke Night.
My penis was in a world record book once...until the librarian told me to take it out
Why do pediatricians get so frustrated? They have very little patients. corny
Protect yourself from identity theft by being a loser with no money
Looks like Dean has a nice alliance...or maybe not so nice. Haha. Crap
There's nothing more embarrassing than when I respond with 'you too' after the waiter brings my my meal to the table and tells me 'put your pants back on you'll be kicked out of the restaurant'
[first date] Her: Oh.... who's this that you brought with you? Me: This is my emotional support mother Mom: You're doing great sweetie (gives me thumbs up)
I like my coffee like I like my women. Hot, black, bitter, and pregnant.
Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12... ....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu
What is the difference between peanut butter and a blonde? The blonde is easier to spread!
What sex position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your parents.
No lie, 1 in 3 guys won't wash their hands after they pee. Don't be surprised if you get a fist/elbow bumps from me.
I Wasn't Too Keen On The Idea Of Gay Parenting Until I met my wife, who was raised by two dads. That's when I came to my senses and realized.. NO MOTHER-IN-LAW!
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian tells him he'll only lose it.
cop: alright step off of the vehicle me: [propping kickstand] this is bullshit cop: why do you have that on a tricycle
A man calls 911 nervously: "My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." "Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies. There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot. The man then says, "OK, now what?"
I was in a really good mood this morning but then I woke up
There's too much news now. I just found out about the new aluminum tariff from my Snapple cap.
Why would I use a Facebook app to see what I'd look like as a woman, when my wife's make-up and clothes are accessible whenever she goes to work
cop: do you know why i pulled you over me: no cop: [hands me ice cream] to brighten your day me: omg haha thank you- cop: wait is that a fucking body in the back seat
Ah yes...the old "glass in the face" trick. Never gets old. Oh and once again. Dean Fight. Supernatura I
What's the difference between a nun, and a prostitute in a bathtub? The nun has hope in her soul.
I wasnn't allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised. Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Me: Hey buddy, do you want to go to the potty? Toddler: NO! I hate the bathroom and NEVER want to go in there! (5 mins later, I'm in the bathroom on the toilet) Toddler (pounding on bathroom door): LET ME IN!!!
Wanna see a banana split? Wait until it turns black and tell it he's the father.
What's the difference between an onion and a hooker? I cry when I cut up onions
Why don't bisexual people have any friends? Because they are all bi themselves
me: i'm completely open to criticism my co-worker: you should probably drink more water me: you should probably eat balls kevin
When someone bumps into me in a crowded mall and says "sorry", I like to look them right in the eye and tell them "I forgive you".
Me: I would never sell out *BK executive whispers in my ear and hands me an envelope with $5 in it* Me: I love wompers
My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself "I run this house"
After winning the game, I decided to throw the ball to the spectators. Apparently that's frowned upon in bowling.
Me: Check it out! I'm juggling! Wife: Me: Wife: You're supposed to use more than one ball. Me: Can't you just be happy for me?
I got aids in prison.. Hearing aids. I should've used them though, I might've been able to hear the guy that snuck up on me in the shower and gave me HIV.
Welcome to your forties. Your extreme sport is now standing up too fast.
What's the most dangerous animal in Africa? Black people.
Why did the redditor go to the pet store? Because he wanted karma and karma's a bitch. h
Blind man walks into a building... ...well at least his Labrador has a good sense of humour.
My grandpa's a total perv My mom told me he had a stroke at my sisters dance recital!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When your wife gives you lemons... Make sure she hasn't gone senile.
If you're flying on an aircraft and you hear the infamous announcement "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?" Your answer should always be "Yes". If you're going to die, you may as well die flying a fucking jumbo jet.
I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay. They promptly arrested me
What was built after the Indian sandwich maker's shop burned down? A New Delhi
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
I always masterbate in front of blind people because they never see it coming.
Why did the stair railing give money to Beethoven? A bannister always pays his deafs.
How can you tell if your moms got Parkinsons? She's got lipstick on her eye balls.
What sound does a gay magician make when he disappears? Poof.
her: we should break up me: why her: because you're too laid back about everything me: oh ok cool
I went to the doctors recently He said: 'Don't eat anything fatty' I said: 'What, like bacon and burgers?' He said, 'No. Fatty, don't eat anything."
I created a show about an airplane hijacking. We just shot the pilot
What's Al-Qaeda's favorite American football team? The New York jets.
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.
What did the Alaska Native's girlfriend say when she broke up with him? *"I'm just not that Inuit."*
What do you call a musician with no girlfriend? Homeless.
I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I'm years past 'bare & natural'. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you'd need to prep & refinish a wall.
What sits in the kitchen and gets smaller and smaller? A baby combing its hair with an apple peeler
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.
I like OkCupid cuz it ain't pretending to be the best cupid.
I asked my best friend if he was gay or not. I never got a straight answer.
If you run in front of a car you'll get tired, but if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted
I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers. But the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal." 'Until the pressure got to him.'
Walmart Cashier: Have you found what you were looking for? Bono: .... no
Well, well, well. I guess my silver letter opener isn't so "gaudy" now that there's a rampaging werewolf in the house, is it, Gladys?
Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted
Why is every gender equality officer female? Is it because it's cheaper?
The soviet union was doomed to fail The red flags were everywhere.
Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their way out.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-morse code.
Interviewer: would you call yourself a hard worker? Me: absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.
My wife just tripped and fell while carrying a bunch of clothes she just ironed. I watched it all unfold.
person: hi me: [synapses fire through my brain like lightning, tracing the millennia of communicative evolution that have led to this moment] heyllo
Where are dead computer hackers buried? In decrypt.
Several toilets were stolen last night. Police say they have nothing to go on.
I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces... ...her smile really lights up the room now.
What do a slinky and your mother in law have in common? They're both fun to watch tumble down stairs.
I'm watching the umbrella academy on Netflix and all of a sudden there's an earthquake!? It was totally Vanya. That bitch!
Why are most Muslims broke all the time? They never understood the concept of piggy banks.
What's it called when an Arabic author releases their latest novel after dinner? Post-Hummus
My girlfriend dumped me on a fishing trip. She left me reeling.
I jerk off roughly once a day. I try to be a little more loving and gentle the other 2-3.
I read that shaving your legs helps you swim faster, so now, I just have to go back in time and convince the guys who hazed me in high school that I was a swimmer.
I've decided to start coaching little league soccer because I'm tired of yelling at just my own kids
Shout-out to all of you staying true to your diet throughout Thanksgiving weekend. I tried but the stuffing was too bomb ˜ Anyways, Y'all the real MVP
As a married man, my biggest worry about getting a vasectomy was that the doctor would botch the surgery, and then I wouldn't be able to have sex once a year anymore.
What does your mom and a rain forest have in common? If you look deep enough in the bush, you might find a cockatoo.
I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me. I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking.
It's weird that my therapy dog has no interest in hearing about my childhood.
A. Why do blondes always smile during lightning  storms? Q. They think their picture is being taken.
How do deaf people tell each other secrets ? They wear mittens.
Why did the terminator kill people even after retirement? He was an ex-terminator.
What's a homophobe's favorite drink? fruit punch
Tomorrow's Self-Harm Support Group meeting is cancelled. Staff cuts.
I work at a women's shoe store. Sometimes I tie the laces together... Bitches be trippin' haha
A Cambodian, a Vietnamese, a Laotian, a Malaysian and a Burmese walk into a bar The barman refuses to serve them because they don't have any Thais
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.
What's comforting and scary at the same time? A warm toilet seat.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
What starts with a 't' ends with a 't' and is full of 't' ? A teapot.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
two knights fucking would sound like throwing a silverware drawer down the stairs
My cheating Ex-girlfriend just got fired for drinking on the job. She worked at the sperm bank.
Steven Hawking walks into a bar... Just kidding.
My wife says I was wasted last night and honestly I don't think she's buying my story about having to be naked to guard the neighbors porch.
"Big Brother is watching you..." I said to my feminist daughter. "Fuck off Dad, I don't want to hear about any of your deranged right-wing conspiracy theories" "No, not that, I mean I went to change a light bulb in Timmy's wardrobe and found his peephole"
Why did the blind woman fall into the well? Because she couldn't see that well.
Why did the pig buy flour and sugar? He felt like bacon.
I saw my brother kiss my uncle today. I'm starting to think he's relatively gay.
I live in quite a pretentious area. Even the ducks demand butter with their bread.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN... They become VERY ANGRY.
What kind of shoes do bakers wear? Loafers.
What do you call the testicles of a peacock? His peanuts
I once toasted the bride and groom at a Pakistani wedding. All I did was push the button on the drone control.
Sins are like viruses, it's better you keep them to yourself
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party. So I made her and all her friends clean the house for 2 hours.
Why are aspirins white? Because they work sorry
Today, we Americans celebrate our independence from Britain while planning our escape to Canada.
How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next to her