Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your  face.
A girl runs up to her mother with a pile of crap in her hand "Look what I almost stepped in!"
gotta wonder if baseball still would've been called america's pastime if candy crush was around
When you're dreading getting in the shower cuz you're lazy, but then you get in and you're like, this is my home now.
Parenthood feels like you're on a magical unicorn that's on fire and eats your food.
It's Friday night and I'm out of control! Getting a bit wild tonight cuz I'm about to put on my good pajamas, and eat some Froot Loops on the couch with a fluffy blanket.
me: I didn't know this was a hibachi restaurant waiter throwing shrimp at me: it's not I just don't like your face
Maybe we need to turn the United States off and then back on again.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.. .. he said he couldn't complain.
me at karaoke: if the crowd isn't digging me you do your thing my friend who can throw up on cue: no worries
they never mention this but you can only become a veterinarian once you can untangle two geese
My girlfriend told me that my dick is two inches bigger than her ex's. And that is why she will never go back into a lesbian relationship.
Yes, that was my husband skipping on national television. He's a bit competitive. Still A Kid At Heart Beat An Eighth Grader
The first minute in the hot tub always feels the best... after that it's hard to relax with my neighbors yelling at me to get out of their yard.
Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense... You could say it was a vague rant.
I burned a kid in a wheelchair today. Hot wheels.
What's the difference between mass and weight? Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on Catholics. 
My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won't let me send back wedding RSVP cards.
You know... When someone says to you "Jesus loves you." It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail.
If Whites were the 'positive' in 1950s. Then blacks must been 'niggative'
The US flag on the moon lost its color and is now completely white It's now the French flag.
Scratch and win tickets that look like scabs where you have to pick them off to see if you won.
What's the difference between a blonde and an Airbus A380? Not everyone has been in an Airbus A380.
Having sex with a waitress sucks. She only takes the tip.
The difference between husbands and wives: When my wife says 'I need to talk to you about something', there is a 99% chance it's not good. When I say 'I need to talk to you about something', there is an 99% chance it will be followed by a fart.
Out of respect for all of you who have children and are forced to homeschool I've started drinking heavily this morning…
What's another name for a boxy plow pulling baby maker? A Mexican. 
I am so ready for my workplace drug test today. I stayed up all night studying all the street drugs. Ask me anything! I know all about meth, marijuana, special k... I even did some coke just to try it out and help me stay awake.
3yo: I'm thirsty Husband: I'll get you water 3yo: no. I want her to get it for me *points to me* Me, asleep:
Coworker: Can you believe it's the end of November already? Me, unsurprised by the passage of time: Yes
If alcohol influences short-term memory, what does alcohol do?
What's a blind mans worst fear ? A prius
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
What did the momma hawk say to her chicks? Quit falcon around or get the flock outta here!
[family watching as the paramedics work on me] why aren't you getting him back? *me dunking on 8 foot rims in heaven*
hey, brands. you don't need to do a 9/11 post. it’s ok. take the day off. we will pick back up with the pillsbury doughboy tomorrow. whether chester cheeto is for or against terrorism is not in question.
It's so hard to dress my 3yo that I've given up. She can wear pajamas all day. She can dress herself if she wants, and wear underwear on her head with pants as a shirt. I really don't care anymore. You do you girl.
In light of all the recent blond jokes... Why are blond jokes so short? So men can remember them.
What do they call Peter Pan in China? Peter Wok
if you love something, let it go. if it comes back, it might be a boomerang. bro..? are you in love with a boomerang
Mia: Remember when I went thru that dumb phase? Me: No. When was that? Mia: The other day. It was like 2 whole minutes! She Keeps Me Young 😂
yeah, I believe in PREMARITAL SEX P - parentheses R E - exponents M - multiplication A R I D - division A - addition L S - subtraction E X
I realized wrestling was fake when the undertaker who's known as 'the dead man' had to wear a knee brace
Scientists say dolphins may even be smarter than human beings, but that's funny because I don't remember ever getting my head caught in the plastic rings a six pack comes in.
Imagine putting all this work and effort into your kids to make sure they become decent people, and they grow up to not be funny.
My Muslim girlfriend wants to blow me Should I be excited or call the cops?
It's called the 'guest bedroom', but a more appropriate name would be 'the room I sleep in when my wife is sick of my snoring'
What do you call three cars overtaking you in Mexico? Tres-passers.
Homeschooling is going great I only cried in the bathroom twice today.
I just found out my father's sister doesn't like Jewish people. Its hard to believe I have a relative who is auntie semitic.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
The craziest thing you can do as an adult is fall asleep on the couch. You know you're gonna wake up at 3am with an aching back AND you still gotta shamefully walk to your bed.
What do you call a gay dentist? The Tooth Fairy
Normally when I take my kids to the playground I'm the alpha male there, but today there were a few nine year olds who were pretty intimidating.
What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.
3yo's are like unfiltered drunk people that love gummy fruit snacks.
me: there were two controllers firefighter holding my xbox: im not going back in
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
A blind man walks into a fish store ... and says: "Whats up girls".
What do black people with Down's Syndrome call their friends? Their Chromies
Thomas Dolby: She blinded me with science. Neil deGrasse Tyson: That's technically true. But if we're being specific, it was pepper spray.
Solitary confinement is supposed to be the worst psychological punishment for prison inmates, but I can confirm being locked up with small kids is worse.
me: i want this thing brain: it's expensive and you will just get bored of it in two weeks me: but it will make me happy now brain: yes but don't you want to be happy in the long term and not just for a few days me: i already bought it brain: son of a -
The awkward moment you're watching porn and your girlfriend walks in. I wish she'd told me she worked in the industry.
parents: we just want you to be yourself me: *gets a tattoo* parents: you have disgraced the family
A Jewish girl.. ..asks her father, "Dad? Can I have 50 dollars?" he says, "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"
The nice thing about aging is that when you're over 40, you don't need to impress everyone anymore, and for the most part you don't.
this ass don’t quit, but the rest of me has given up almost immediately
Someone asked me what my most attractive quality is and I just said lasagna
Give a man a jacket He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.
playing the drums on the steering wheel but slowing down because you know a tricky part is coming up
Did you hear about the basketball tournament in Mexico? Its Juan vs. Juan
Comedians and politicians are basically the same They both lie to please an audience haha
What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I'll do is run through those paper walls pretending I'm the Kool-Aid man.
waitress: are you sure you want an ambulance to come? me: there's no way these are mild
A reminder to start looking for that post-it with the WiFi password before family comes over for Thanksgiving next week
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
[writing my own obituary after taking out a full page ad] ...and that concludes grade 6. Now here are the people I didn't like from grade 7
imagine your card gets declined at red lobster and all the lobsters in the tank up front start laughing at you
*follows dreams *dreams get creeped out and call the police
*declares himself safe after 'telling wife to calm down' incident earlier this evening
I'm hiding from my kids in the closet so I can peacefully eat some cookies. I can hear them all walking around like a bunch of DEA agents. I'm trying my best to destroy all the evidence before they bust me.
lol these ppl "don't see race" right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they're 18th century anthropologists
A good relationship is worth the wait. On that note: Good morning.
Any Latin teachers out there? I'm trying to get a close translation approximation to "We are all insignificant". Is "Omnes Nos Humilem" close? It was my high school language but that was in the 1900s.
In China the labels read, "Made by someone you know."
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
straight men will make fun of other guys for getting pedicures and literally have hobbit feet. like go back to the shire, oakley
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.
there should be a court but for things that aren't illegal. like if your roommate ate all the ripple out the butterscotch ripple
When your kid says mom in that tone that kinda makes you want to scream WHAT, but somehow you keep your composure and use your nice mom voice instead.
In order to strengthen our relationship, my wife and I have decided we're only going to say positive things to each other. For example, today she told me I was 'really good at leaving the dishwasher full of dishes'.
People who go to the gym for exercise, but complain about having to park one block away and walk: explain.
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
Some people have trouble sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed. haha
They shouldn't give participation ribbons to kids, they should give them to adults because when you're over 30 years old, getting up the motivation to go out and do stuff is a big deal.
What belongs to me but is used the most by others? My ex-wife
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Gassy Joke What makes a Mexican gassy? Taco night. What makes a white person gassy? Chipotle. What makes a Jew gassy? Auschwitz
me rolling down window of time machine: McDonald's hot dog? guy in 2027: not yet bud
I'm shaking what my momma gave me. It's the most darling snowglobe I've ever seen. LOOK AT IT.
Being a fat guy at McDonald's is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
It's pretty racist that Denzel Washington keeps getting typecasted as black men.
gender is a social construct. u do not have to be a guy fieri, u can be any type of fieri u want.
This morning I went to the bathroom without having a phone to entertain me, just like our ancestors used to
The difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Me: Search this area for coffee shops Google Maps: Ok I searched the entire eastern seaboard that’s what you wanted right? Me: No just this area Google Maps: Huh? Me: Just search for coffee shops in this area Google Maps: Here’s your house did you want to see your house?
3yo: I want a banana Me: *gives her banana* 3yo: no! Me: soooo no banana? 3yo: banana! Me: you want this banana? 3yo: NO Me: well, what do you want!? 3yo, crying: I DON'T KNOW well, we're making progress
I was brushing my teeth when my fingers cramped up throwing the middle finger. I was looking in the mirror as I gave myself the finger, and I couldn't stop it. 2020 vibes.
Things are going great in life right now' Life (interrupts): Actually...
Superman should have to wear a medic alert bracelet that says kryptonite on it.
I don't get why people make such a big deal about revealing the gender of their kid. It's no surprise, we all know you're having a baby. You can burn the world down to reveal that you're giving birth to a unicorn. Cuz that shit is crazy. We haven't seen a unicorn.
Me-Where was Connor today? Mia-Another school Me-Aw, he's so cute Mia-Mom! He's just another normal, disgusting middle school boy. 7 th Grade
What did the fat guy give to the fat girl? Just the tip...
My wife and I do it doggy-style... ...she plays dead and I beg. 
The first thing I do when I get to a restaurant is pull out a pen and paper so I can write down all the questions I have about the menu.
me on august 31st: omg it's so hot me on september 1st: *wearing my heaviest sweater and drenched in sweat* don't you just love the smell of autumn in the air!
Me: come pick up your toys 3yo, walking around with a plastic phone: I'm in a meeting call Times have changed
Tiny penis jokes tend to come a little short
[to my wife from my deathbed] grab my phone. open up the group text HamChat II and tell the boys I love em
Bald people struggle with improv, They can't seem to come up with anything off the top of their head.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can't be good.......
If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question. Is it in yet?
If Eminem converted to Islam.. ..he'd be MuSlim Shady.
Arguing over which politician is less corrupt is like arguing over which pile of dog poop smells less disgusting.
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type, I'd be her type.
Breaking News: Uncovered Nazi documents reveal a cure for cancer was found... An oven.. rofl
Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights.
That chick really knocked my socks off. And I had just finished folding and stacking them, too.
The easiest thing to do when the free antivirus software on your new computer expires is to buy another new computer with more free antivirus software.
What do you call a prositute on her period? Unemployed.
Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? The man. ROFL
I gave my girlfriend a teeth whitening today. Too bad most landed on her chin
the groom should have a song to walk down the aisle to as well. most likely the chicago bulls intro
Social media is great for those times when you don't want to go to somewhere overcrowded like costco or the mall but still feel like being annoyed by a lot of people.
Did you hear about the fat guy who spent his free time in a British casino? He heard it was a fast way to lose pounds.
I heard Steven Spielberg is directing a film about a fat alien... It's called "Eat-T, The Extra Cholesterol".
What's black and white and loves kids? Michael Jackson
my kid's soccer coach: the game is cancelled me: did it have racist tweets the other parents who aren't on twitter: from the rain I think
I asked my boyfriend "How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?"
[trying to start a conversation after being married for ten years] if I had a nascar I could get to work in six minutes
Hey girlfriends... May you go from overlooked to overbooked. your girlfriend next door
The government is like that friend that says they want to help you, but then all they do is mooch off of you and make your life harder.
I bought my wife 2 different mouth guards for her snoring and they work great! Before we go to bed, if I shove each one in my ears I can barely hear her.
sure space exploration is important but we have discovered zero waterparks up there meanwhile here on earth we have dozens of waterparks
I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"
If you send me to get burgers and fries I will eat your fries in the car. I'm not gonna drive alone in a car with some fires and not eat them.
Operator: For quality assurance, this call is being recorded. Me: Okay, cool. Could I get a copy? Operator: ...
at some point as a kid you play your last game of tag and some kids end their tag career being it. that's how we get goths
straight guy: please don't hit on me bro i'm not into that gay stuff me: don't worry you're not even my type straight guy: me: straight guy: but like what is your type bro
I asked my 5yo what's her favorite thing we do together, and it wasn't the painting, or the slime making. She said, watching movies. I think I'm putting way too much effort into this parenting thing.
9: I really like giving massages. I think when I grow up I’ll be a misogynist.
How many homophobes does it take to change a light bulb? They can't because they are too afraid to change
In spite of being a psychotic murderer, you can tell Freddie Kruger wants us to know he's a playful, fun loving guy because he goes by Freddie instead of Fred or Frederick.
How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Wow. Don't search 'Jews' on Twitter. I ended up reporting 30 accounts without breaking a sweat.
I don't "fuck" my wife. I "make fuck" to her.
team rocket CEO: what should we put in our motto? agent 1: protect the world from devastation? CEO: noble, love it agent 2: unite all people within our nation? CEO: beautiful agent 3: to denounce the evils of truth and love! CEO: jeremy.. how’s it going with the divorce pal
Why don't you see any slow black people? They're all in jail.
Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.
Have fun with your fantasy football league but me and the fellas each bought a different brand cinnamon broom and are going to rotate them to see who has the best one.
What did the man in the wheelchair say when he returned the hat he borrowed? Thanks for the handy cap.
Dear Idiot: It's HOMEOpath, not HOMOpath. Homopath is like a crazy gay dude.
*breathes in a bunch of helium balloons *steps on scale *cries in high pitched munchkin voice
I made up a game with my kids called, if you take a nap you get ice cream after dinner. Guess who's the only one eating ice cream? Me.
Gay pride parade? Why isn't there a straight pride parade? They tried that but people kept on thinking it was the checkout line at Home Depot.
"open up, this is the police!" "well, I've felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I'm sad all the time-" "no the door open up the door"
pizza place guy: *flips and spins it in the air* girl im on date with: that's kinda cool me: it's probably trick dough
CEO of milk: we need a new slogan me: got that delicious white juice that everyone loves, the beverage they call milk? CEO of milk: maybe something shorter me: milk CEO of milk: probably a little longer than that me: miiilck
I noticed a tiny part of the wrapper stuck to my granola bar and just ate it anyway. like a goblin.
you can run but you cant hide' - coach telling me why I didn't make the hide and seek team
imagine your card gets declined at chuck e. cheese and they feed you to the robot band
They should do a punch card reward system at the liquor store. After your 9th case of beer, you get a free intervention.
my mom when i came out gay: this is an affront to god my mom 16 years later: can you teach me about anal to spice up my sex life
My 3yo wrote a song called, My Mommy Is So High. It's my favorite song because it's about me being taller than her.
Me (high as a kite): Why is this slurpee so thick? 711 Employee: That's not slurpee, you're filling your cup full of pump cheese.
[cop sniffing me] you're all over the road get out of the vehicle [me after putting on too much hand cream] I'll try
Why do black people eat fried chicken? Because it tastes good.
Why did the black man buy 4 boxes of condoms? Because he practices safe sex and they were on sale.
Fajitas are just tacos for people who crave attention
Canada: *pokes hung over America with a stick* Wake up buddy, I made pancakes with maple syrup. You can do this!
Sorry I smashed your window, but you left a chocolate bar in a hot car and I had to rescue it.
jesus, take the wheel. mohammed, you strip the hubcaps, while buddha searches the glove compartment for valuables.
God loves everyone You know, it's in that book you hold up when you're yelling at gay people.
Splash a bunch of water on the crotch area of your pants and shirt so the people at work will know you washed your hands.
There's only one group of people dumb enough to believe in astrology... Scorpios ROFL
Two reasons i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone 1)I don't have an iPhone 2)I don't have a girlfriend.
Seeing my neighbours trash or recycling bins on the curb for pickup is now how I keep track of what day of the week it is.
What do you call a black man who flies a plane? [2 part] A pilot, you racist. What do you call a Japanese man who flies a plane? A pirate.
I don't like the song Stairway To Heaven because it implies that heaven is not wheelchair accessible.
My 3yo asked me to wrap her up like a burrito and to feed her grapes while I hold her so she can watch cartoons. She's living my dream.
If I was a vampire hunter, I'd kill the vampires by inviting them over to my house and serving garlic bread. No one can resist that stuff.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you'd go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It's amazing how much has changed since then.
wife: where did you even get cotton candy? me w/ blue stained mouth: just drop it wedding photographer: we doin this or wha
Chicks with big tits always seem to say the right things.
Stop describing the situation with words and send me a gif like a normal person.
My wife's favorite position was cat style. She'd sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn't come near me
Wife: Do you want a beer? Me: ...sure! Awfully generous of you. Wife: well, I just don't want to drink alone.
In my youth, there was no "snapschapts". If you liked a young lady, you'd draw a proper picture of your genitals and send it to her parents.
What do you call a group of Mexicans smoking weed? Baked beans
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn't look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Children with gay fathers as parents, I seriously sympathize you all It's not easy growing up with twice the dad jokes.
I Know I completely trust my husband because he cleaned the kitchen, and I didn't clean anything after.
What advantage do gay black guys have over gay white guys? They only have to come out to their mother.
Super disappointing finding out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not an awesome career option.
The bad news is, it's the longest day of the year. The good news, it's Friday. Summer Solstice
A Muslim, a black guy, a horse, a pirate, a gay, a chicken and a rabbi all walk into a bar... The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married. didn t see that coming
My 3yo gave me her baby this morning and I've been walking around with it around my hip for like 30 min. I don't know why.
No matter how bad things get around the world, it can never ruin the enjoyment I get from putting my cold hands on my wife's back.
2020 is pretty cool because every once in a while you get to experience every emotion at once. And it's just like ahhh omg please stop hahah
And then there's my dad...🙄
every time i go to the aquarium, the employees make up sea life facts in an attempt to catch me off guard and make me look foolish. well it won’t work. “dolphins breathe air” grow up. “octopuses have beaks” fuck off liar
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I'm a little mad because she didn't even give him a discount.
trying to come up with ideas for tshirts for cool 20 something year olds to wear and all I got so far is one that says 'Eat The Peel'
There's three things you should know about me, I'm Canadian, I watch Hockey, and... I'm sorry.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
My 3yo doesn't understand why I can't make lunch right now, it's 10pm. Why is she still awake? 😭
As my 3yo threw grapes on the floor she said, "for the vacuum to eat." Now I know why the vacuum is always so full... because someone has been over feeding it!
How are wearing Crocs like having butt sex with a guy? It feels really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
son: why can't we just get a gun for protection me looking for our jar of bees: check your room again
Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
The reason womansplaining isn't a thing is because it's men's responsibility to figure out what women mean when they roll their eyes, sigh, or say nothing to us.
me: I have to let the chicken rest before cutting it or the juices will go everywhere trick or treaters: we'll come back
3yo: *throwing grapes on the floor* Me: what are you doing? 3yo: for the vacuum Me: I told you to stop feeling the vacuum 9yo, walks in: *starts eating the grapes off the floor* 3yo: see that's the vacuum Me:
So we have a blow up globe to go with one of Asher's curricula. We blew it up today for the first time. Noa grabs it and Asher goes "holding it by the poles, Noa?' This kid...
Having kids can really strengthen a marriage. My wife and I never had a common enemy before.
My 3yo asked me if I wanted to lay down on the couch and take a nap while we watch movies. I'm really scared. Is this a dream? Are my kids burning the house down while I sleep?
Don't like getting forced by your wife to go to children's birthday parties? Easy solution - bring beer. Then offer it to all the kids, report them to the police for underage drinking, and get the party shut down.
Our daycare provider (who cares for 10 kids): "I love these kids! Being around them keeps me young." Me (with 2 kids knowing I've aged at least 10-15 years since we started having children 3 years ago): "Yeah.... same."
What do you call a woman who misses her period? Fucked
Why is the pussy slit verticaly and not horizontaly? So it doesn't clap when running.
My 3yo just broke our pinky promise, so yeah 3yo's can't be trusted.
Some people call me delusional, but I don't let it bother me because I have my high IQ, millions of dollars, and god like physique to make me feel better.
Don't forget: Before we picked cotton, we picked tobacco. It's time to make smoking history in Black History Month
*Jesus multiplies loaves and fishes to feed 5000 people [5 mins later] Disciples: Hey Jesus, the people are complaining that the fish sandwiches are too dry. Can you whip something up to put on them? Jesus: Say no more -How miracle whip was invented
What's black and white and red all over... An interracial couple getting what they deserved.
priest: how ya doin? demon: oh yanno priest: wanna get started? demon: sure priest: will you leave brent's body? demon: nope
Why can't black people get PhD's? Because they can't get past their Masters.
Girls are like restaurants... Just because you can't order doesn't mean you can't look at the menu.
When a women dates a younger man she's called a cougar, when a man dates a younger woman he is called Defendant.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama's a Muslim
The teacher asked the class if everyone got the syllabus. Jimmy raised his hand and said, "No, I took the boring short bus to school."
Serotonin is flowing in the city today. This weather is 10/10
A man visits a prostitute The man says, "I want to have sex with you for $200, but then I also want to hit you" The prostitute asks, "For how long?" The man replies, "Until I have my money back!"
Cow milking is an incredibly low-skilled job. Any jerk can do it.
Not to brag, but I can get a full 8 hours of sleep and still look absolutely exhausted when I wake up in the morning
me: of course I consider you a friend and not just the guy who carries me during karaoke guy who carries me during karaoke: ok thank you
If only there were mosquito nets in Africa... We could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.
Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.
boss: what are you thinking about me: [daydreaming about the end of capitalism] just spreadsheets and stuff
My Asian friend came out .. My Asian friend came out to his dad today and said "Dad I'm gay" . His dad after being angry for a moment said, "why not Gay+"
netflix: are you still watching me: yes but i can't reach the remote so i'm just going to sit here in silent contemplation
How many men does it take to open a beer? None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you. haha
How many Jews did Hitler kill? Over nein thousand. haha
This is why we can't have nice things' ~my wife looking at my paystub
I was gonna get dressed up for Halloween this year, but that involves getting dressed, so no.
Why did the blind man cross the road? Cuz he couldn't see it 
What did the black Jew say to the non-believers? We Israel..
Some of you aren't going to like this, but my wife and I are that couple that sit on the same side in restaurant booths. But it's not because we're weird, it's because our imaginary friends have to sit on the other side.
the inside of a chicken is warm but as soon as the egg comes out the chicken is like 'ya gotta keep this in the fridge'
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it‚ He's gay, definitely gay.
I just want a magical unicorn, and to not gain weight when I eat a lot of food. That's all.
My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I'm calling in gay tomorrow.
Motherhood is complicated because we'll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Social media is so weird. It's like here are all the cool things your friends are up to, and also all the worst things going on in the world. Enjoy trying to sort out your emotions.
'If u insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you!' 'Don't be selfish, think about the baby.' 'What baby?' 'Oh, so you're not pregnant?'
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
What do you call a fat Irish family? The o'Beses.
My date and I went swimming in the ocean and her eyebrows washed off. She looked just as surprised as I did.
My gambling addiction ruined my marriage, but it also saved it because we're so broke we can't afford a divorce.
Daddy, look, a ninja! Billy, don't offend those Muslims! rofl
i'm constantly being told that i'm a straight acting gay person. what part of sticking things up my butt is straight acting to people
detective: he’s dead, ma’am my wife: oh my god i can’t believe he drank all the windshield fluid detective: *narrowing eyes* i never said he was poisoned my wife: no that was literally just an educated guess
Me: Direct me home Google Maps: There’s a different route available Me: Oh cool is it shorter? Google Maps: No it’s 47 minutes longer Me: Oh Google Maps: I found one with no tolls! Me: Cool but is it- Google Maps: Clear your schedule motherfucker it’s 2 hours longer
My 3yo told me to chill out. Is she too young for me to kick her out of my house? No
If history is written by the victors... ...then who writes French history textbooks?
[taking out foot massage coupon from marriage coupon book] I wanna redeem this one [ex wife here to pick up our son] where is he brent
I still have nightmares about the time I gave my Eskimo friend a house warming gift...
All Snapchat has to do to attract an older audience is offer a face filter that takes away the bags from under your eyes.
I've been hearing a lot about mass murderers lately.... It must be a scary time to be catholic.
Why do cannibals prefer to eat blind people? Because with one sense gone they taste really good. Sorry, that was wrong... they taste really well.
teen working at subway: you're gonna get me in trouble with my manager me trying to pass him a baggie of duck meat: I'll distract richard
I like my men like I like my coffee... Nowhere near my vagina. A little lesbian humor....I'm not gay I just couldn't resist....too good :)
a haiku about 2020: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
You can't eat in the shower - me lying to my kid
What do you call 40 mexicans standing in your yard holding hands? Spicket fence.
Having a 3yo is like having your personal narrator that sometimes makes you cry because they won't stop narrating.
Stop buying new parents junk gifts they're not going to use. Buy them bag reducing eye cream.
My Facebook timeline says I joined in 2007, a couple decades before that I was born, and there are no accomplishments in between. How did they know?
I love when my mom works the rapture into casual conversation. We were talking about work and she casually goes "if I ever disappear it's because I've been raptured. You will need to immediately come to my house and read my bible to be saved" and I'm like "ok love you too bye"
I've been feeling a bit down lately. My husband finally came clean tonight... He's been contacting my friends to call me, get me out of the house, etc. I have the best husband...and my friends are good liars.
Italians and Spaniards are so used to Catholic child abuse... ... That they call the Pope daddy
Whats the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't jelly my dick into your girls ass.
People who post tweets with spelling mistakes in them are total loosers
You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.
me: can I get lettuce instead of the bun? guy working at subway: why you doin this man?
The used car salesmen always get so weirded out when we go for a test drive and I put on a ski mask and make a quick stop at the bank.
What do you call a hypocritical member of the church of Latter Day Saints? an oxy-mormon. or, all of them.
"School was good" is teenager for "I only fell asleep during one Zoom class today."
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $ 6.30 now
billionaire who invited me to his island: *loading rifle* i have a passion for.. the most dangerous game me: *nodding* Gun Monopoly billionaire: what? no i’m hunting you. me: oh ok billionaire: you should probably go me: not without my $200
Me blacking out when I'm drunk is God's way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
An app like tinder, but instead of for dating, it matches you up with strangers in your area to have arguments with.
The Winter Olympics should have an event where they time athletes to see how long it takes them to get into their spandex suits
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side, I can understand english --Dogs
*cat pushes glass off of a table* Internet: cats are jerks *dog destroys an entire living room* Internet: I'm willing to overlook this
gf: its over I can't be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it's side against the wall*
A lot of women would rather have beauty over brains, because a lot of men can see better than he can think.
It's cute how we call the things we wrap our babies in swaddles. They are literally straight jackets because babies are crazy.
SMS codes for seniors: BTW - Bring the Wheelchair FWIW - Forgot Where I Was LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
[me and another dad pretending to switch insurance info and laughing] bumper car operator: back in the cars
How do you know you are at a picnic with gay men? All the hot dogs taste like shit
Why do North Koreans lack emotions? They are missing a Seoul.
me: my cat's possessed date: haha aren't they all me: by something british date: what? my cat: ello my luv
It's embarrassing when you accidentally call your teacher 'mommy', especially when you're in an adult learning class.
My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks taste like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad.
me: i need directions please stranger: you need to go north and - me: left or right stranger: it's a little more complex than that me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here me: *flicking lighter* stand back, i’m popping my way out
Saying "whoa girl" like you're talking to a horse, is not a good way to calm your wife down when you're arguing.
Belgium is a leading producer of beer, chocolate, and weapons. I picture a country full of very well-armed fat people. Another one, I mean.
My 3yo asked, "are your boobs gone because I drank them all when I was a baby?" And I said yes.
McDonald's CEO: Self serve checkouts? Hmmm. But how will we trick people into doing the work of a cashier for free? Marketing Exec: Make the checkouts look like giant phones. The morons won't be able to resist it. *CEO and Marketing Exec both erupt into evil laughter*
i want my mysterious death solved on a podcast or not at all
Recently, a Catholic hair stylist made news traveling around slandering the pope and Catholicism, angering many members of the faith. The pope denounced him... calling him a "hair-a-tick"
I just got fired for putting my penis in the pickle slicer at the restaurant where I work She only got docked a week's pay
Halloween costume idea: “soccer mummy”. You’re welcome.
I don't know who needs to hear this but stop trying to take a picture of the moon. It always sucks
I saw my husband mopping the floor and it turned me on so hard.
I accidentally ate some cat food today. The bad news is it tasted terrible. The good news is my coat of body hair has never been healthier or shinier.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother? Because he wasn't all he was *cracked up* to be.
My wife and mother-in-law just both yelled at me because I was being a 'martyr' for eating the kids' low quality waffles when they were making them from scratch for the adults.
Tip sounds like a professor of African American studies. Rhythm And Flow
My dad told me he was gay, i didnt believe him until my other dad comfirmed it
What do you call a sometimes homosexual arctic bear with heavy mood swings? A Bi bipolar polar bear!
the worst part of a haircut is when they take the cape off and you have to stop giving them the finger
wife: when I said get a hobby I meant like golf or whatever me making another batch of prison wine: I like this
a jew, a christian, and a muslim walk into a bar in the holyland hey it could happen, just not on a friday, saturday or sunday
The progression of love is so weird. First you fall in love, then you get married, then a couple years later you jointly decide to ruin everything by becoming caretakers for tiny people for at least 18 years.
How can you tell that God is a man, and not a woman? If God were a woman, she would have made semen taste like chocolate!
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know, because I kept a log.
got fired from antifa today because i showed up late with an iced coffee when i was supposed to help shred documents and hide evidence from the fbi
Husbands make the best meteorologists because they're used to being wrong all the time
My anniversary is coming up Friday is my anniversary, I'll have been married for 35 years. Really it only 5 years, but I count in dog years because my wife is such a bitch.
To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit to double Celsius and add thirty. To convert someone to Mormonism you double the wives and add 17 kids.
There was once a viking who believed in reincarnation. He was hoping that after dying he'd be Bjorn again.
me: why do you charge so little? lawyer with eyebrow ring: you know why
Why did Hitler kill himself? He saw the gas bill.
My kids eat so many gummy fruit snacks that I'm passing them out like a drug dealer. Give me 5 minutes of silence, and shhh don't tell your dad.
I've never gotten runner's high. Not once have I gotten high from running. I think these runners are just trying to get the rest of us to run. If I'm gonna get high I'm gonna do it with ice cream and weed on my couch like a decent person.
there's songs I hate to this day only because they gave me a hard time in guitar hero
Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She's fine. But the dog died.
I just found a bunch of fruit snack wrappers under my 3yo's bed, and idk if I should be worried.
I'm in a palindrome kind of mood today for some reason...71717
I was hanging out with my kids having a good time while Alexa played some music when all of a sudden WAP comes on. I yelled at Alexa to stop. Alexa didn't stop. My 3yo and 5yo learned a lot of new words today.
Me, steps on a wet spot: who spilled- 3yo: It's not pee water Me: pee water? 3yo: yeah maybe I didn't pee Me: maybe? 3yo: yeah, maybe
So I was feeling really depressed due to the attack in Paris... I phoned the Islamic Samaritans. When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.
Kids are so exhausting in the morning with all that energy and good vibes.
I'm pretty sure the chick at this drive thru had me repeat, 'I'll take a number two', multiple times so she could laugh at me.
I read the box of chocolates legend more closely than my mortgage
me: *biting lip* oh doctor i am so sick, can you take care of me doctor: *checking chart* looks like you've got an chronic case of sex- oh wait a minute me: what's wrong? *seductive wink* doctor: you do not have insurance get the fuck out of my office
The worst thing about going to your office Christmas party is having to go look for a new job the next day.
Married Tip: When you take your wife out for Valentine's Day, don't forget to use a coupon, cause saving money is sexy.
Me: I've enjoyed spending so much time w/you these past few weeks. Mia: Me too, Mom. And I bet you thought you'd get on my nerves. Brave Mia
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
You teach without teaching every time you accept the unacceptable. your girlfriend next door
Why did the grain call his sister "momma"? Because he was in bread!
Apparently the man bun was invented by French Canadians, which means it's acceptable to call it a garçon brioche.
If my kid doesn't figure out how to manage his emotions I'm going to lose it
Some may say I have a resting bitch face, but I think it's more of a not resting face because I have lots of kids and I'm always tired.
Dating vs Marriage Dating: You keep candles around the bedroom to create romance Marriage: You keep candles around the bedroom to get rid of the fart smell
What do you call a hot chick in Boston? A tourist
me: so it's like a snorkel? surgeon explaining my breathing tube: yes. sure
Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson.
Husband: *starts laughing* Me: what? Husband, still laughing: it's 1:30 Me: what's so funny? Husband: it's only 1:30 and I already want to put the kids to bed
Scientist say today is the longest day of the year, but they're actually wrong. The longest day of the year is every Monday.
If by "good in bed" you mean sleeping, the answer is still no. I have insomnia and will wake you up to tell you what I'm worrying about.
Even if you don't like cats, you have to admire them. They all hate each other, but you don't see them online arguing with each other.
Doctor: Any new medical history in your family? Diabetes? Cancer? Blood disorder? Mia: Yes, brain disorder. Me: Who? Mia: Uncle Si! Love Her
I really identify with the trans movement... For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!
[coworker on my first day back from vacation] how was italy? [thinking about how the dogs barked normal] fine
My husband walked in holding lysol disinfecting wipes and that was the sexiest thing I've ever seen. I know what I'm gonna be doing on my knees, cleaning toilets.
I don't know what's wrong with my goldfish... ...it was fine when I put it in its cage last night
A white man, an arab and an asian walk naked into a bar... ...the bartender yells "Is this some kind of a joke?"
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? ..........Nothing you've already told her twice!
What do you get when you cross an atheist and a christian? An argument
That’s weird. My husband used the safe word when I was telling him about everything I bought at Target.
Him: *doing dishes* Me: Is this porn? I think this is porn.
If you want your kids to leave you alone for like 5 min just fart. 60% of the time, it works every time.
My 4yo yelled, "it's still alive!" When she got her tablet thinking it was dead, and I'm pretty sure that's what my body says when I open my eyes every morning.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow. Me: What do you have to spell? 6: Words, probably.
How much should I rest between sets at the gym? I've been doing anywhere between 60 to 90 days to give my muscles a good chance to recover.
Me: *offers some of the food I made to my 4yo* 4yo: no thank you I like things with flavor Me, almost choking: excuse me
The world would be a better place if we were all passivists. Fight me.
What's black brown and white black brown and white brown and white etc.? A Gorilla riding down a snowbank!
Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!
Remember back in the good old days, when Generation X was known for being cool and rebellious? Now we're known mostly for being cranky and complaining about millennials. Good times.
Wife: Our son called me a bitch today Husband: What! That little son of a bitch
I was sitting on the train this morning, and I saw a really sexy Thai girl I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection", but she did.
What do you call it when two female spies fall in love? Lesbianage
Sure, millennials are a soft generation... and not to outdo you guys or anything, but it was my generation, Gen X, who invented getting killed from eating peanuts. That's a tough one to top.
Them: Just be yourself Me: I don't even know who I am
3yo: you know what you do when you got an itch on your butt? Me: what? 3yo: you scratch it Genius
Anxiety: This airplane might crash and then you'll die! Me: Oh no! Depression: I'm okay with that. Anxiety: ...but then again, you could survive, end up paralyzed, and life would be even harder than it already is! Me and depression (now holding each other): On no!
Eyes blinking in the dark. Wide awake. Asking self, was there coffee in that coffee ice cream?? 👀
[remembering women like mysterious men] *texts my hairdresser the squid emoji*
nothing like waking up at 3am to discover you're a mutant with lava in your throat, professor x will be so prou..what's that now...i'm being told from multiple sources it's just heartburn
Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver! corny
The easiest way to bridge a language barrier is by yelling at the other person. People find it easier to understand a foreign language when it is louder.
I still think of that time when my 9yo was 5 and yelled really loud, "it looks like that elephant has a big penis on his face!" at the zoo.
I shared my whole body with my 3yo and she won't share her fruit snack with me. Can you believe that?
It's always nice to win an arm wrestle against guys who are younger than you. Today it was a 3 year old.
Why doesn't democracy work in china? Because no one wants to hold an erection.
watching a nature documentary with the family and loudly saying 'that's how your mother and I met' every 5 minutes
The perfect cure for loneliness at home is Twitter. All it takes is 5 mins of seeing everyone arguing to pretty much remedy any desire to be around people.
If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.
[the streetlights burst. the stars blink out. hooded figures surround us] me: *to wife* omg is this a gender reveal? cultist: hail satan. the union of these mortals shall bare his child, The Antichrist me: will it be a boy or a girl? cultist: why are you so fixated on this
Therapist: And what do we do when we feel upset or angry? Me: We eat snickers bars until we feel better? Therapist: No. Me: (already shoving a snickers bar in my mouth) I'm going to need a minute to calm down
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here? me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Don't compare yourself to other people, compare yourself to pigeons... they're idiots and it'll make you feel better.
If I won the lottery, I'd buy the suits from the movies Batman, Ironman, Superman, etc and it's all I'd wear. No more regular clothes.
I work in a popular hotel... I see people come in to stay from all over the world, yet for some reason I've never seen a Native American here. I guess they just don't like to make reservations.
I was in the bathroom and I texted my husband to bring me toilet paper and he responded with send nudes. The audacity, this marriage isn't an onlyfans account.
What do you call a homosexual Hispanic peeping tom? Peeko-da-guyo.
Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Me: "I'd say my biggest weakness is listening"
ten minutes into the our planet documentary on netflix and I don't know if im going for the birds, the fish or the dolphins
If you eat a cookie and you don't finish your milk you need to get another cookie. If you don't have enough milk for the second cookie you get more milk. If you don't finish the milk you get another cookie... that's the cookie cycle.
Help! Can anyone tell me where I can watch the Women’s World Cup??? I can only find 18 channels of golf...
It's a bit hypocritical that there's no way to shorten the word abbreviation
I said hello to a feminist My court date starts tomorrow.
Damn girl are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up
Today in art class my 5yo recreated the poop emoji with play-doh and my 3yo made a cut out of her butt. I would say homeschooling is going great.
So a priest, a pedophile and rapist walk into a bar ...he orders a drink
What does a homeless man gets for Christmas? A cold.
Why are a German vegetarians pessimists? Because they always fear the wurst.
Will you date me? breathe if yes, swim across the atlantic ocean while reciting the bible in japanese if no
The vape pen maybe mightier than the vape sword, but neither of them will get you a girlfriend.
We celebrate our independence, I say triumphantly as I ask my wife's permission to have a beer with lunch.
What do you call a geologist who can't hear? Stone deaf...
*Goes on internet. People arguing, everything sucks, we're all doomed *Goes outside. Birds are chirping, sky is blue, sun is shining. 'Meh' *Goes back inside, logs onto internet.
Maybe your cat wouldn't push stuff off your shelf and countertop if your interior decorating wasn't so dreadful
*My 2 year old hurts himself and comes to me crying *I pick him up and hug him Me: I know it hurts.. don't worry, it will go away. Physical pain always goes away. Emotional pain on the other hand will scar you for life and haunt you well into adulthood. Now go play and have fun
India is a very peaceful country because nobody has any beef over there.
they put you to sleep right away in the operating room so they can take off their masks and start eating sunflower seeds
me: it's a service dog teenager working the waterslide: still has to wait up here
Why is my Chinese girlfriend so bitchy? Well it's true, you are what you eat.
What do you call a Mexican baptism? A bean dip.
Yesterday I farted in a Apple Store and everyone got mad at me. It's not my fault they don't have Windows
Why did the alcoholic comedian quit performing? He couldn't handle the boos.
Most people who say they would spend the night in a haunted mansion for a million dollars scream and run away when a moth flys towards them
stop telling me to get a cast iron skillet. i do not have the mental or emotional capacity for this. i don’t even know how to do taxes.
Womansplaining is when a woman explains something that is obvious, but the difference is that it's usually necessary... ie: when I can't find ketchup in the fridge and my wife womansplains how it's right in front of my face.
me: i try to get in at least 20,000 each day her: steps? me: leagues under the sea
What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet
Robots will someday ruin the world? They already have. They're the reason we all have to take annoying captcha quizzes every time we want to use the internet.
ME: let’s clean up the living room before mom gets home 4yo: but how will she know how much fun we had? ME: hmm good point!…
Me: Look team, our productivity is way down. I’m sorry to be harsh but I cannot call what you’ve done lately “work.” That’s three silverfish I’ve seen this week. Or one silverfish three times but either way- you gotta step it up. All The Spiders In My House: 😔
My 3yo asked if she could eat gummy bears for breakfast, I said no. Then she said, "what if I eat them like cereal with milk." I mean I knew she was smart, but this is genius. Adds milk, BAM breakfast!
Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife is dead.
Surprise everyone at work by being pleasant on a Monday. They'll be so unnerved that something is wrong, they'll leave you alone for the entire day.
Sorry I thought we were on the kiss cam when I saw us standing in line on the security monitor at 7-11.
No putting together toys tonight! No bikes, doll houses or electronic anything! Pros of having 19, 17 and 11 year olds! Merry Christmas To Me
Me: *letting my kid win* My 4yo: Mommy you’re really bad at this
I miss my dog so much since he died, I just paid a homeless guy to come over and take a shit on my kitchen floor and then eat it.
Why Cant Girls Count To 70? .....Because 69 is a mouthful
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls
If you're American when you go into the toilet, and Asian when you come out, what are you on the toilet? European!
I think that bisexual girls should just call themselves more-or-lesbians.
I love how confident my 3yo is with my love. I tell her I love her and she says, I know.
Inappropriate headline for a Mexican murder story Another Juan Bites The Dust
If I could go back to high school with all that I know now, people would be like "why are you here old man? Are you a teacher or something?"
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets. It doesn't mean we aim for the sky. It means, we don't start work unless our tail is on fire
My 3yo is so lazy. She said she doesn't like underwear because she has to walk to the bathroom. If she wears a diaper she can pee wherever she wants. Honestly, she's selling me on the diaper thing.
I was having sex with a female amputee in the dark I trying to figure out why my ass hurt, but she had me stumped.
Setting an alarm on an iPhone is exciting because it feels like you're spinning the wheel on the price is right
*has no girlfriend or kids* *gives out dating and parenting advice*
What did the mommy broom say to the baby broom? Time to go to sweep.
My girlfriend accused me of being a transvestite... ...So I packed her things and left.
Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5.
Summer tip: On a hot day, beer is not a good way to hydrate... it's a great way to hydrate.
It's 10pm and I'm still awake which is wild, so I decided to take a shot of milk and eat some peanut butter cookies cuz YOLO. God I'm getting old.
This is the longest I've been in a drunk time
It's called TikTok just to remind you of how you're wasting your life
When I was a kid I couldn't wait to become an adult. Now that I'm an adult I'm just like, this really sucks.
Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.
You know you have some loud kids when the default setting on your tv has subtitles.
Why did I quit my job in Mexico? It didn't peso well.
I don't understand why my kids are so funny. I haven't given them enough childhood trauma for them to be this funny.
"shake what ya momma gave ya!" *starts shaking low self-esteem*
Since we seem to be terrified of homosexuals, it would seem that the key to conquering America would be to attack us with an all-Gay army.
If you're easily offended, the FDA just approved a new drug. Ask your doctor if Growacet is right for you. ROFL
I always ask if they accept bitcoin whenever I buy something. I don't have any, but it makes me look cool.
My friends and I have a secret handshake that my wife says is lame. She's just jealous of how cool we look, especially at the end when we do jazz hands.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right, alcohol IS a solution.
People remember you for what you 've done. Not what you wish you 'd done. your girlfriend next door
Jajajajajajaja is either a Mexican laughing or a German having sex.
This keto diet sucks. I haven't lost a single pound. Biggest waste of 5 mins ever.
Sat in Phil's living room today while he and Si watched the news. "Spouses fight b/c of low blood sugar?! Pass out the candy!" Problem Solved
trying to calm people down by yelling 'but that's just my opinion' after saying it doesn't matter if you peel carrots before you use them
Cows can't walk down stairs' sounds like a lie a lazy cow made up so he could stay upstairs watching netflix in bed.
The only difference between comedians and the rest of joke Twitter is that comedians get to see people be disappointed by their jokes in person.
People always tell you to listen to your gut, but all mine tells me is feed me cinnamon buns
@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.
Me: oh shit 3yo: oh shit Me: I forget kids are like sponges 3yo: like a sponge
My friend got a tattoo of his wife's name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
thought I looked alright today visiting my friend in the hospital but a nurse told me to go back to my room
A friend asked me if I wanted to hold her newborn baby. I said, no thank you I'm ovulating. I know how this works, I hold it then I want one of my own. Not today little newborn baby. Not today.
Every pillow in Whoopi Goldberg's house is called a whoopee cushion
Men be like I’m gonna rock your world, right after I finish a few games of Madden with my boys.
if you fold a pizza in half, it’s a quesadilla. unfold a quesadilla? you guessed it, that’s pizza. obama does not want you to know this.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out. Back to having zero haters, feels good.
The only thing hotter than the sound of me opening my Velcro wallet to pay for dinner? Hearing that exact same sound again as I take off my Velcro shoes before we do sexy time.
* Begins writing tweet * reworks tweet several times * tries to show wife tweet, but wife she left you 7 months ago
My girlfriend says I've got commitment issues.... Well she's not really my girlfriend, more of a wife. 
As you get older you start to enjoy simple things like spatulas, clean sheets, and telling the happy little birds that sing early in the morning to shut up.
*Makes typo* *Deletes tweet* *Deletes account* *Destroys computer* *Changes name* *Moves to Pakistan* *Opens a curry shop*
As a Jew, I love bagels... They're one of the holeyest foods.
Husbands are like egg salad sandwiches -- once you get past the fart smell, they're actually quite enjoyable
Don't stay single and be miserable. Get married and become the reason someone else is miserable
Me: *sees a sign for a Bar & Grill* Hm. A boring, pedestrian establishment. I’ll pass. Me: *Sees a sign for a Bar & Grille* Now this place has something special and unique.
me to wife: I have a big heart doctor: I used the word enlarged
My sister was in love with a Mexican guy. She wanted him to marry her but he went home to Mexico... ... I guess he's the Juan that got away.
My wife is so moody at Christmas, I blame the festive period.
Why couldn't the sailor play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck
My son said that since girls don't have a penis he thought girls just had one big butt.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Pumpkin Patches are great places to go when you need to spend 37.00 on a pumpkin your kid will throw at their sibling…
I didn't know too many Jewish people growing up. I realize now that where I'm from they are in the menorah-ty
Keep the romance alive in your marriage by playing footsies with your spouse while you yell at your kids during dinner.
Dog Lovers: Get a dog to clean up the food and crumbs on your floor for you Me: You still eventually have to clean up those crumbs, but instead as poop
Say no to shampoo. Demand real poo!
professor: those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it me: *lighting gender reveal explosives* i don’t think that’s true
The definition of mixed emotions... My mother-in-law driving of a cliff in my new car
Social anxiety is just like regular anxiety except it's more friendly and charismatic about giving you irrational fears about your life.
The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be "a Muslim extremist." That's like a student signing his report card "Timmy's Dad."
What is the biggest plot twist in spanish soap operas? When Rodrigo finds out he is his own mother
Netflix: you still watching? Me, with a tub of ice cream: ya
What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies of a brain aneurysm? Different Strokes
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes - why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Sorry for taking 48 minutes of the lunch hour at work to cook a whole chicken in the microwave.
My doctor told me I am colorblind. I had no idea! It came right out of the green
I just had a nice lunch in the park; homeless people don't have it so bad after all.
I know a lot of people don’t like the phrase “making love,” and I’m sorry but that’s what I call cooking meatballs and that isn’t going to change
My front door doesn't have a peephole, so I use the mail slot to see who's at the door instead. Everyone who visits my house gets judged based on how their crotch looks.
What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed? God bless America.
Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he'd gone deaf.
Interviewer: How do you explain the five-year gap on your resume? Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale. Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired. Me: Yay, I got a yob!
Kids are seriously out there just interacting with each other like a bunch of drunks and potheads.
What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 20 beers!!
I swapped my wife's parachute around with her backpack. Now when the bitch goes on her stupid camping holiday, all she will have is a parachute.
What do you call the retarded guy that follows the band around? The Drummer
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I'm from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Thanks for watching tonight. Seems we wives stick together with our hair color! Better As Blondes And our hunting skills. On The Board!
4yo: HELP Me: are you ok!? 4yo: I'm stuck! Me, running in: omg 4yo: I can't put my shirt! Me: those are pants
A blind guy walks into a bar... ...then a table, then a chair, then another chair...
The best math jokes I used to think maths was useless, but then one day I realised that decimals had a point.
*Gets annoyed having to listen to 25 second long voicemail *goes back to listening to 2.5 hour long podcast
I've become quite independent since my wife left... I just put my second load of washing through the microwave.
Today is Day 1 of The Ordeal. I'm cleaning my house. How are the rest of you Hunters Widows spending your Saturday? Married To A Duck Hunter
Did you hear about the Asian guy who was so terrible that nobody mourned his death? He was unbereaveable.
Irish Nessie Over in Ireland, in a lake near Dublin, thay have their own Nessie. It's a monster that likes to ring doorbells. It's a knock-less monster.
do you ever wish you were a vegetable at a grocery store so you can be lightly misted with water every few minutes...sounds like a dream
I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary!!.
As my 3yo gently pushed her baby around in her stroller I thought aww she's gonna be such a good mom one day. Then she gave the stroller a hard push towards the wall as she said, "goodnight baby."
I don't trust stairs They're always up to something...
Is the KKK a good source of Potassium? Yes, because they're all bananas.
The only time my car goes 0-100 real fast. Is when it's sitting in broad daylight on a summer day. ROFL
Say what you want about celebrities, but I for one have been enjoying seeing so many of them come out of the woodwork to kill their own careers with idiotic tweets.
Argument with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement... . . . . . At the end, you ignore everything and click 'I agree'.
Me and my husband got a little too ambitious when we decided to have 4 kids. We were like, this really sucks lets make this suck more. Lets have a 4th just so we can have an even number of kids.
Refined sugar is just like regular sugar, except it listens to classical music and speaks with an English accent.
What did the homeless person say to the gay job interviewer when asked for his address? No home-o.
The worst part about waking up from an afternoon nap is realizing you're still at work
So 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.
What do you call someone whose GPA is greater than the number of inches their dick is? Asian
No one is in denial as much as a married couple with kids telling you how great the minivan they just bought is.
Black people, want to piss white people off? Open a restaurant. And don't serve coffee or brunch.
The good part about parenting is you're only responsible for them till they're 18, then they're the criminal justice system's problem.
In my spare time, I help blind kids I mean the verb, not the adjective
watched three hours of a survival show and got in an argument with my neighbour for not letting me setup a few rabbit snares on his property
spy: we‘ve put a cyanide capsule in your teeth as a failsafe me: mmph spy: did you just- you bit it already? me: *foaming at the mouth* nome ife dibnt
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
While school clothes shopping: Mia-Are we done yet? Me-You have to get some jeans. Mia-Ugh. Shopping is NOT my cardio! 😂 She Gets It Naturally
Champagne for my real friends. Real pain for my sham friends. Ginger ale for my friend Craig he has a tummy ache right now Craig why are you even at this party
A skinny guy with a 6-pack is like a fat chick with t*ts. It doesn't count
2020 is so crazy that if Morpheus showed up at my house and asked me if I wanted to take the blue or red pill I would just laugh.
How to give your woman 12 inches and make her bleed. Bang her twice and punch her in the mouth.
If a fat, rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"
Red wine is great when you want to have a nice drink and be classy, but also want to have purple teeth.
me: are you mad at me? please say something self checkout: unexpected item in the bagging area me: you always do this self checkout: please can we talk about this when i get home, i'm working
I always bring a plate of food with me to restaurants. That way I can hand it to the waiter if I accidentally respond with 'you too' when they tell me to 'enjoy my meal' so I won't look stupid.
The penguin is mightier than the swordfish
There is an Arab boy lost in the grocery store... The manager of the store walks up to the boy and asks "what does your mother look like?" The boy replies " I don't know".
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...with my bear hands
A little boy walked into a police station "I lost my daddy" says the boy. "We'll look for him son, don't worry: what's he like?" asked the officer. "Liquor and women."
If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect. You have to recall everything.
What do you call the boss of a chicken farm? An EGGxecutive.
Where does a Muslim learn to swim? Inshallah water.
I was vacuuming when my 3yo asked if I wanted to build stuff and knock it down. I have so much to do today, so we are building this huge tower and knocking that shit down with a soccer ball.
turning on the shower but plugging the tub and watching the water rise like im stuck in a villain's trap
scrolling through the dance dance revolution machine trying to find a slow song to salvage this date
every day i wake up fucking shaking from rage that they made a movie about air bud’s kids and called it Air Buddies instead of Heir Bud
Burying an elephant... is a mammoth undertaking.
If someone could hurry up and make swimming in your t-shirt cool, I'd really appreciate it
Nice try baseball players, I can tell your eyebrows are fake because you drew them on below your eyes.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
when im picking someone up and they ask how long before I get there I always say it depends on what song is playing
A black lesbian, an obese white neck-beard, and an Indian comic walk into a bar. What do you get? A Netflix original series!
Get married so you can argue about fun things like, stop eating my chips, and please don't leave your socks all over the house.