TENNESSEE: We're the best state. Nobody even comes close. *Elevennessee walks into the room* TENNESSEE: Oh shit...
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted". The next day, he received 1000 of replies, all reading: "You can have mine." Free delivery also available at your door step
How many men does it take to open a can of beer? None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I'm wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Roses are dead. Love is fake. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.
'Trabajo,' the Spanish word for work, comes from the Latin term 'trepaliare,' meaning torture.
I enrolled on some skill training and extra curricula activities that added shape to my weekends and after-work schedule. The more days passed, the more exposed I was to how blindly in love I was with an obsession. It's been months now and we are just cool as men.
ME: I'm such an original. Truly one of a kind. ALSO ME: [holding a glass of white wine] I love to laugh.
Men who ejaculated 21 times or more a month had a lower risk of prostate cancer than those who ejaculated four to seven times a month, according to researchers at Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health.
I got REALLY angry today and it wasn't about nothing, but you're going to have to take my word for that.
A dog in Mexico named Frida saved the lives of 12 people who were trapped under rubble after an earthquake in 2017. She has identified a total of 52 bodies throughout her career and is considered a national heroine. She's officially retired.
What's the difference between a Mormon man and a Muslim man. A Mormon man gets 72 virgins and THEN kills himself.
Stop calling 9-1-1 because you've run out of toilet paper. Yes. If you're running out of toilet paper don't dial 9-1-1. The number for that is 9-2-2.' -Stephen Colbert
When you march the streets shouting with people it's civil disobedience, but do it drunk by yourself and it's an involuntary 72-hour hold
Balsamic vinegar helps slowing the appearance of ageing signs healthy healthy food health
"When you stand in your struggles and share your story, it will heal you and it will heal someone else" - Iyanla Vanzant
"Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty."
You can make any sentence creepier by adding "consenting" to it. "Just two consenting adults, riding a tandem kayak."
The better life goes to those who have to work harder for it because nothing is taken for granted.
me: if ant-man shrinks by making the space between atoms smaller then how does he go subatomic guy in the stall next to me: shut the fuck up
I'm not saying my pubes are getting too long, but when I get an erection, it looks like Pinocchio has gone and joined the Taliban.
You have an active gay account on Twitter. Yet, you spit hate against fellow gay dudes in public...shame on you.
We spend a long time focused on the future, planning it, working toward it. But at some point u start to realize your life is happening now.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100. She's a 10, but she's imaginary.
When in fact this is a condition doctors are calling “Chromatica sickness”.
My wife left me because she said I made a meal out of everything. I intend to make her eat those words.
How do the Chinese select their baby names? They chuck a tin can down the stairs Ping Wong  ching  Pang
What a relief! I went into the doctor to have him look at a large mole on my chest. Turns out it wasn't cancerous, mostly because it was a dollop of bbq sauce and not a mole.
My father doesn't trust anyone. In fact he has a saying... But he won't tell me.
What's a specimen? Mama mia, it's an Italian astronaut!
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I had a vasectomy so I won't have kids But when I got home, they were still there.
We should have not only candy canes, but candy wheelchairs, candy walkers, etc so the other mobility aids don't feel discriminated against.
Billy Joel doesn't sell the front row seats to his shows. He gives them away to random people in the cheap seats so the real fans are in front of him instead of just wealthy people.
Learn from the scars of others
Damn girl! Your name must be Ebola... All I can think about is you spreading.
I once interviewed for a position to become a blacksmith. They asked if I had ever shooed a horse. I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."
Anybody that eats Tide pods is an idiot. They could go to Costco and get the generic brand for half the price.
"Maybe if my heart stops beating it won't hurt this much." - Paramore
Meth was used as a top-line antidepressant throughout the 1930s and 1950s. Gordon Alles, a Los Angeles chemist, patented the medication after injecting it himself. He became more talkative and described a "feeling of well being."
All I gotta say.. DON'T MISS NEXT WEEK's midseason finale Queen Sugar
BIKER: What should we name the gang? OTHER BIKER WHO IS ACTUALLY A REALLY TALENTED WRITER BUT WAS NEVER ENCOURAGED AS A CHILD TO PURSUE HIS GIFT SO HE FOUND COMMUNITY WITH A ROUGH BUT LOYAL GROUP OF GUYS: How about... The Hell's Angels. BIKER: Damn, man. Yes.
Some bonds defy distance, and time, and logic because some ties are simply meant to be.
Thomas Jefferson helped popularize mac and cheese in America. He would serve it to dinner guests during his presidency, and he even had his own recipe.
"Whoever finds a friend, finds a treasure." - Cars
What do you call bad breath that sneaks up on you? Ninjavitis.
What does a gay rooster say? "Anycockledoooooo!" ROFL
How can you tell when an Italian car has a flat tire? Dago wop wop wop
What helps me with these things is using that awareness as fuel. Fuel to teach others, to help me better navigate these systems better because, and to do what I can to impact my corner of the world
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
In 2018, a Missouri deer poacher was ordered to watch "Bambi" once a month for the entirety of his year-long prison sentence.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating... Or just mething around?
Why does Kim Jong Un love books. Because he's the glorious Reader
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door. Eventually we drifted apart.
"No matter what new adventure you're embarking on, you're still you. You bring you into every new beginning, so how different can it be?"
The most unbelievable part about Sesame Street (a show with an 8 foot bird) is that there is only one grouch in the whole neighborhood.
"Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery." - Malcolm X
Ten years after my death, my best friend finally opens the package I left him in my will. He's confused by the empty box. He wonders if there's been a mistake. Then, he smells the fart. Laughing, my ghost can now rest in peace.
Choose your words wisely, because you can't ask the angels to erase them
We don't give enough credit to the dads who spend their waking hours continually turning off lights and adjusting thermostats. These are the real unsung heroes of fighting climate change and reducing humanity's carbon footprint.
Roman scholar Marcus Terentius Varro predicted microbiology over 2,000 years ago. He wrote, "there are bred certain minute creatures which cannot be seen by the eyes, but which float in the air and enter the body through the mouth and nose and cause serious diseases."
"I am not a smart man, but I know what love is." - Forrest Gump
Hellen Keller walks into a bar. And then a table, and then a stool.
The year is 2125, we are touring the american ruins. The zombies are too fat to be of any immediate threat.
The tobacco industry gives tons of money to groups like the United Negro College Fund, buying the silence of our greatest leaders.
I'm a 26-year-old woman who is currently unemployed and I feel hopeless. Is there advice you can give me on ways I can set a track for my life? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
My girlfriend got a new tattoo on her inner thigh. It's a seashell. When you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean.
Some exciting tings are happening and I can't say nothin' yet! Stay Tuned
I only believe 12.5% of the Bible. Which means that I'm an eightheist
My wife just found a pretzel in her hair and then she ate it and I didn't know I could love her more.
Why do Americans have good computers? Because they have no troubleshooting.
What do you think is the biggest threat to black mental health?
Replacing his statue is a waste of state funds and a waste of an opportunity to do the right thing.
I want to watch a chick flick, with my chick, as we eat chick-fil-a on a Sunday
Went to petit trois tonight and it was delicious! Man though, sitting in a high stool for all of dinner was tough on the old girl
I met a girl who said she liked Imagine Dragons. I asked her if she could Imagine Dragon these nuts across her chin.
Avoid tea/coffee with meals. Tannins in tea/coffee prevents absorption of some nutrients. tea halves the iron u get, orange juice doubles it
I'm waiting for them to invent a pleasure robot that's so lifelike, it won't have sex with me.
It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling "Release the Kraken!!" right before I do it.
My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine." I sucked at tennis.
January is the Monday of months
Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn't allowed to dub his own role for the movie "Terminator" in the German language. His accent was considered very rural by their standards and it wouldn't make sense for a machine from the future to sound like they were from the middle of nowhere.
I woke up with a pinched nerve in my back. The pain is bad... but even worse is the sick feeling from being betrayed by my most trusted friend, my bed.
Twitter: You need to have more conversations with other users in order to be successful on Twitter Me: *closes Twitter account*
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack laughed and said, "And you will dialogue."
Our children can't breathe. They can't be children and just play. - Dr. Cheryl Grills Black Minds Matter
There comes a point in your life when you need someone to speak to. Someone to love and make you feel loved. I've reached that point.
"You know what sucks about falling for a guy you're not right for? You fall anyway because you think he might turn out to be different."
Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he's dressed up as and he responds 'I'm a snail!' That's M'Shell on my back
Just learned there's people who don't clean their sinks regularly!!!
I'm so angry at Facebook. I can't believe they would leak my information after I signed up without reading any of the legal documentation, volunteered all the personal details about my life, and let them track my internet activity. How could they do this to me?
Actor Hugh Laurie realized he had severe clinical depression when he felt neither excited nor frightened after seeing two cars collide and explode in front of him at a charity demolition derby. He commented: "Boredom is not an appropriate response to exploding cars."
Brad Pitt should have his own line of deodorant called Brad's Pits
In celebration of getting 300K on Twitter I'm going to be holding a virtual meet and greet on my Instagram live at 6:30 EST. Just tune in. Request to join and you get to all one question then we'll do a screen grab picture.
Self-worth stems from first thinking you are worthy.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds? Two kilomockingbirds (credit goes to my old physics book)
Why do birds fly south in the Winter? Because its too far to walk!
[first date] Her: I want a man who gives me butterflies Me: (pulls out shoebox of preserved dead butterflies) You are in luck
I used to get so upset by this one twitter account that went out of their way to shade me constantly. They knew everything I’d ever done and read every article about me and had a criticism for all of it. Then I realized: they’re watching EVERYTHING i do! They’re my biggest fan!
What do you call India's top TV Show? Dan Singh with the Sitars
Last night my wife and I watched 2 hours of cooking shows, before she hugged me and went to bed. I'm pretty sure I'm in the friend zone.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge "This is not working. I'm going to my mom's house." I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?
Did you find it difficult being queer in a Black Greek Letter Org? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Lavender essential oil has a calming scent. it reduces migraines, headaches, anxiety, nervous tension & stress & increases mental activity
Why are gay men always first to check-out of a hotel? They had their shit packed the night before.
My girlfriend's father is pretty religious and said we couldn't make love... which is rather disappointing because he's extremely handsome.
There are an estimated 200 galaxies in the known universe for every human on Earth.
Someone is suing Canada Dry Ginger Ale because it contains no ginger, so I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against Panda Express.
Always remember who was still with you when you were struggling.
[Group Therapy in Insane Asylum] Therapist: Let's talk about the desires we have to hurt people. Psycho 1: I want to kill people Psycho 2: I want to eat people Psycho 3: I want to post Game Of Thrones spoilers Psycho 1 and 2: What is wrong with you? That is really messed up.
Baby yoda = delight, ancient yoda = enchanting, teen yoda = friggin impossible
The wise are not always quiet, but they know when to be
A researcher from Providence College found that, over time, we become better friends with people who have similar levels of social anxiety.
Time to fulfill my dream of marketing my own line of artisanal antifreeze.
I really enjoyed @JimCarrey's "memoir." Like Jim, the book is wildly comic, inventive, subversive, and made primarily of compressed paper pulp.
ME: Oh my god, like the spaghetti guy? DR. BOYARDEE: Do you want me to treat your snake bite, or do you want to talk about my brother?
I just saw a sign in a shop window that read... "I would rather have a 1000 muslim customers than have one US soldier in my shop" The Funeral directors crack me up!
A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother... They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them! They named him Ravi O. Lee 
What do you call a sad terrorist? A crisis
When restaurants ask if they can pack up my leftover food for me, I say no and then stuff it in my cheeks like a hamster and leave.
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words. Lazy
A parody of The Mandalorian but it’s The Mindalorian? Am I’m in the whole costume but doing Mindy-type stuff?
Cowboy:" Give me three packs of condoms, please." Cashier:" Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'...."
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
So I heard ladies like bad boys. Lucky for them, I'm bad at everything
interviewer: what's your greatest weakness me: i'm partially deaf interviewer: is that right me: why would it be tight
"Giving up doesn't come easy for us, so we do everything in our power not to."
When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says "hey, I just wanna be friends."
My best chance of catching up on all the great TV shows is a non-fatal skiing accident.
You already have something in common with every girl you see. The context you're in. Use that to start the conversation and her responses to keep it going.
Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day
One generation plants a seed, so that the next generation can receive the shade
[bedroom] Wife: Do that thing I like Me: *puts on sleep apnea mask
My Wife and I were blissfully happy for 25 magical years.. And then we met...
I've been going through a really rough period at work this week It's my own fault for swapping my tampax for sand paper.
Eid Mubarak. I personally wanted to wish you all a blessed Eid. Nowadays, everyone is overwhelmed by the amount of impersonal messages. Most people just copy, paste and send to get the job done. Not me! Anyway I wish you all the best for 2013. Your brother, Abdul
I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles. You know...heroin.
When humans lose weight, about 80% of the fat is converted into carbon dioxide and exhaled through the lungs.
People Really Do Respect Those who are Willing to Speak their Truth
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.
[about to invent social media] 'What if there was a way to be overwhelmed with politics all the time instead of just every 4 years at the election?'
[hospital] Doctor: We're giving you IV drugs to help with the pain. Do you have any questions? Me: Why do you use Roman numerals to number your drugs? Doctor: ???
Grapes don't cry when they're crushed But they do wine
Black women make the best wives. You can't see their bruises.
They have free mints in the movie theater bathrooms. Wife: "GROSS, who eats mints from the bathroom?!" Me: (Mouth full of mints) "I KNOW!"
Men: Stop treating y'all baby mothers like crap. Just because y'all couldn't be happy together doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to be happy.
This one time, I shot a defenseless black guy and got arrested.. For impersonating an officer of the law.
My town never changes population. Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Me: This spider who keeps building a web in my front doorway every day is annoying Spider: The human who keeps walking through my web looks hilarious. Every single time. Remind me to rebuild this thing tomorrow
Banning cig flavors like cherry works in preventing youth smoking saving young lives. Ban menthol to save black lives. tobacco free hbcu
My wife packed a kale and quinoa salad for lunch for me today, so now I have to eat it hiding in the bathroom so people don't think I'm a hipster.
To formally reintroduce ourselves: we are a group of radical BIPOC interpreters across multiple intersections bringing access to Social Justice movements in Southern California! Our time our love our hands will fight for what is right
An English man asked an American how he liked his tea The American replied, "in the harbor."
MOST BIRDS: Chirp chirp chirp ONE VERY STUCK UP KIND OF BIRD THAT FORGOT WHERE IT CAME FROM: Hoo
Stephen Sondheim getting some sweet royalties from Joker and marriage story for Send In The Clowns and Being Alive. Happy for him. I’m his entertainment attorney
I can't believe I'm saying this again in a week. "prayers to louisiana" What the hell is happening to our world?!!! STOP THIS!!!!
"bananas protect the eyes against macular degeneration and build strong bones by increasing calcium absorption" health diet
It's hard following a clown act My girlfriend dated a clown before we started going together. I've got some pretty big shoes to fill.
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and they smell.
Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts? It's not my fault I'm blind.
“Back when Tim and I were living in Denver, we always wanted a heart healthy way to start our day before a brisk Colorado morning! This was before I was diagnosed with GERD, and just after we adopted Pepper our black lab.” JUST GIVE ME THE FRITTATA RECIPE GODDAMNIT
"Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us want is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow. Time to let go."
My boss said, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
Why doesn't the South have many subways? Because they hate underground railroads.
SWITCH friends: I finished Super Mario Odyssey and loved it. What do I play next???
A fat man was standing in front of a kindergarten One of the teachers comes and asks him: "Are you expecting a child?" "No. I am a bit fat that's all"
Auntie Red, do you think an age gap in a lesbian relationship will work? My girlfriend and I are 20 years apart and I have no issues with it but my family and friends think I'm crazy. Auntie Red Tweet Tea
I love Matthew Macfayden in succession and I’ve been so curious what he’s like as Darcy in Prideand Prejudice so today I’m gonna watch. But there’s no Cousin Greg in PandP! Mr. Bingley?
When humans make mistakes, it doesn't mean they're evil, it means they're human
interviewer: how do you deal with high stress situations me: [remembering holding one of those vibrating pagers they give you at restaurants] mostly crying
How Many Muslim Women Does it Take to Screw In a Light Bulb? Silly, Muslim Women aren't allowed to screw in light bulbs.
Heading to Chinatown after work... I heard it's Erection Day.
me: [gets up from movie] dog: want me to paws it for you? me: oh sure-wait did you say paws dog: lol me: oh my god lmao
*bird flies in my house through the chimney, I calmly walk out the front door and lock it* Goodbye, house.
I got thrown out a strip club last night for using monopoly money. I don't see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. How do I soften the blow?
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with three guys? She came back with a red snapper.
"Take a piece of my heart. And make it all your own. So when we are apart. You'll never be alone." - Shawn Mendes.
Male humans tend to produce more sperm and ejaculate during intercourse when there is a perceived rival competing with them.
Mattel released a Muslim Barbie... It's a blow-up doll.
The state of New York helped the NRA buy its first official shooting range in 1872.
RMSCs 10 yr old Elena Harrison in the 200 breast finals finished strong 2:43.57 at today's Junior Olympics bks junior olympics
*takes cute picture with child for Instagram *writes inspirational post about being a good parent while ignoring child for 45 mins
What do multiculturalism and the movie Jaws have in common? They both made Americans despise great whites!
Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow
Someone told me I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Of all the ways to go to hell, in a hand basket sounds the most pleasant.
What did the cannibal's wife say when he came home late for dinner? I'm giving you the cold shoulder.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
Do what is right, not what is easy.
long term dehydration leads to wrinkles. Make sure you drink enough water every day even if you don't feel thirsty water wrinkles health
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck did CrossFit? My guess is more.
Whenever I get new followers, I try to tweet something really disappointing so they know what they're in for.
ME SEEING A PICTURE OF THE MARS ROVER: I love you, mars rover. ME WATCHING AN EPISODE OF PLANET EARTH: I love you, David Attenborough ME SEEING MY DAD IN PERSON: Hey, dude.
Just finished watching that Evil Genius Series on Netflix.... bruh, I might not sleep tonight.
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers one is biting hers one is licking hers. Which one is married? The one with the wedding ring YOU SICK-O!
"Green tea has antioxidants called catechins are what help speed metabolism and fat burning" diet
"I realize your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard." - Taylor Swift.
I didn't know what to wear to the premature ejaculation club so i just came in my pants
Comic book plot idea: Catwoman dies after having the uncontrollable urge to chase after Superman's laser vision.
The best part of going to a 3D movie is how everyone in the theater looks like Roy Orbison.
Sitting here wondering when a spiderweb becomes a cob. Like Plato, Aristotle, and the others.
professor: osmium is the densest material on earth, 22 grams in 1 cubic centimeter me: so you're saying- professor: [nodding] thicc as fuck
This girl I like said she didn't like bondage..... ....Me either, but you're the one who said No.
Lets go to city hall tomorrow. I don't wanna spend another day not being married to you."
"I believe that for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending."
What do you call someone who cleans a vaccum cleaner? A vacuum cleaner.
"Sometimes everything seems out of my reach, no matter how hard I try." - Tarzan
I think my friend might be gay... His dick tastes like shit.
What did the french chef give his wife on Valentine's day? A hug and a little quiche.
What do you call a tall, obese computer nerd with a bladder control problem. A Big Fat Geek Wetting.
ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction
What do they call mosquitoes in Pakistan? Churchitoes
"I can't contain this anymore, i'm all yours, i've got no control, no controol." - No Control.
"Look for the girl with the broken smile." - Maroon 5.
How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
In Norway, it takes three years of higher education to become a police officer. Graduates are awarded a Bachelor's degree in Police Studies.
There is more value in promoting who we are, instead of just defending who we are not
[first date] Her: I like bad boys Me: (trying to impress) Sometimes I reply to "do not reply" emails
Two cheese trucks ran into each other. De brie was everywhere.
At 6'3", John Krasinski is the shortest of his brothers One of them is 6'8" and the other is 6'9".
If you get a divorce in Arkansas... ... is she still your sister?
In conclusion, don 't run from awareness, run ON it. And surround yourself with people who are doing the same. ourselves black mag black mental health, ask dr v
What do you think/hope will happen with your favorite couple/character in the last episode of season 9? Share your thoughts with me!
Humans: we're not like snakes Also Humans: mmmm eggs
Dark chocolate stimulates "endorphins" in brain that bring on feelings of pleasure it also contains serotonin which acts as antidepressant
You deserve the love you would give to someone else
Bees can store information in long-term memory while they sleep, just like humans do when we dream.
Faking a smile can trick your brain into thinking you're happy, actually boosting your mood.
Yo mama's like the sun you look at her to  long you will go blind!
Whats a word that white people can call white people but black people cannot call black people? Dad.
Golfer A: I got a set of golf clubs for my wife. Golfer B: Good trade!
70% of kids in state juvenile facilities have a mental illness/disorder. Let's stop criminalizing behavior caused by health issues.
What sex position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
"You think that true love is the only thing that can crush your heart. The thing that will take your life and light it up or destroy it."
Anxiety and excessive stress can lead to hair loss.
"You have to eliminate what doesn't work. You have to figure out what is important and hold on tight to the things that matter most.'
Don't you think that when people take the hyphen out of a smiley it looks like someone with Down Syndrome :)
Stretch ur muscles in bed in the morning, it increases blood flow, releases stress & stretching the muscles gives u better posture stretch
me: what does ama mean friend: ask me anything me: what does ama mean
What do u call a hilarious Mexican herb? Sillyantro
Classic song, classic car and classic dean covered in grease and drinking warm coffee. I love it. Classic Supernatural
What's the difference between a Caucasian and an asian? The cauc.
What do you call an Irishman who bounces off of walls? Rick O'Shea.
What did Mick Jagger say to the guy who hacked into his dropbox account?.. Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Beautiful job cast and crew! Take your bows y'all. Greenleaf
sit with that feeling and tolerate it for a sec, guys
"Part Of Your World" was almost cut from "The Little Mermaid."
when she farts with you there, consider that a compliment. She is comfortable with you now.
NYC begins pilot program 2 help teens deal with stress, anxiety, fears. Our Shero of Black Mental Health Chiara de Blasio is front and center!
Just got a phone call that my name is trending. And being trolled for some awful FAKE thing. It's NOT TRUE. Haven't been raided, or arrested. Just sanitizing and self distancing with the rest of the world. Stay safe everybody. ™
You know what they say... Once you go black... You're a single mother.
It's weird how I can come up with the wittiest things to say when I'm in the shower... too bad none of the other guys showering at the gym appreciate my humor
Two condoms walk by a gay bar... One says to the other, "Wanna go inside and get shitfaced?"
Everyone retweet this video and I’ll send you a love letter DM.
Go the extra mile, it's never crowded
Shakespeare and Pocahontas were alive at the same time.
Hey grandson, what's the name of that german man who makes me go crazy? Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer...
You can't count on pleasing everyone, so focus on pleasing the only One that counts
"We enter the world alone, and we leave it alone. And everything that happens in between, we owe it to ourselves to find a little company."
What do you call a black man flying a plane? The pilot.
How can you tell the inventor of the toothbrush was from West Virginia? If he was from anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush.
Apple Cider Vinegar is a good toner that helps to clear up the scars and acne marks acne scars
What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike? Look ma, no hands!
I punched a feminist today and as she hit the floor, she screeched "Somebody call the cops" In other words.... Get some 'men' to help me!
I was blocked by the Game of Thrones Twitter account because I said I'm rooting for the White Walkers because they're white.
More planes were destroyed in World War II than there are planes on Earth today.
Duck Dynasty guy is right-- if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I accidentally put my wallet in the freezer last night. Was a good job really, I needed some cold hard cash!
What do you call an Ethiopian with a dog? Stupid.
I only drink on days beginning with "T". Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
The average American consumes about 35 pounds of cheese every year.
My Muslim wife left me the other day. I guess she didn't know what Jihad.
"Real change involves the loss of power." -Anand Giridharadas
I Googled "how to start a wildfire". I got 48,500 matches.
My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed I told her it's unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.
Self praise leads to self destructive
My wife just gave birth to a ginger baby. We've shaved it's head and told everyone it has cancer.
I want to open a gay poker bar. And call it "The space of AIDS"
A Texas man once went to the ER with a blood alcohol level of 0.37, but he hadn't been drinking. People suspected he was a "closet drinker" for years because he often became unexpectedly drunk until doctors found he had auto-brewery syndrome. He got drunk whenever he ate carbs.
As a gay man you don't need "cheer leaders" as friends - their duty is to cheer you on even for bad choices. As a gay man, you need mean friends to keep you on your toes when you make risky, bad choices.
Instead of murder/suicide, I'm contemplating the rare suicide/murder, whereby I jump out a high window and land on my girlfriend.
What do you call a Mexican guy with one rubber toe? Roberto
Green Tea has anti-inflammatory properties to protect the cell membrane and reduces the risk of damage from ultraviolet light skin health
The original Big Bird has retired from Sesame Street. I'm told he was delicious.
Why did the blonde have a sore belly-button? Because she had a blond boyfriend.
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic? The Air Force; they're US AF
Angels and Demons having a drink together??!!! WTF!!! bad idea suck Sandwich
So many people these days are too judgmental I can tell just by looking at them.
All that I know is I'm breathing, and all I can do is keep breathing now.
The worst pub I've ever been in was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.
girlfriend: promise you won't do anything weird me: ok [later at the funeral] me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
My father once told me, "Son, you're not an African't American, You're an African American't." Just kidding. I'm black. I don't have a father.
*Chooses paper towels instead of the hand dryer right as a tree walks into the bathroom*
I met a vaping vampire from Romania. He called himself Vlad the Inhaler.
Mental health of young black men is a growing concern. One way to reach out is to reach in to their world by listening to music together.
How do you figure out which contestant in a Ms. America pageant is a prostitute? Look for the one with the sash that says "I da ho".
My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone. You can't just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.
It's cool to be nice to people
How do you get rid of a fat ghost? Exorcise it.
Between 4-6 hours in the make up chair every day with these geniuses. Thank you Bill Corso and all who worked so hard on this transformation ™ ™ ™
10 Guys, always make sure shes happy first! Cause when she's happy, youll be happy.
Are you willing to force the powers that be to put the resources back into the black community? That's your challenge. naesm2016
In the end, people will judge you anyway, so don't live your life impressing others. Live your life impressing yourself.'
" You're on the other side. As the skyline splits in two. I'm miles away from seeing you." - Ed Sheeran.
I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better. That shows a lack of ambition to me. It's no wonder they're paid less.
I don't like American spellings: I don't like color. I don't like neighbor. And I really don't like colored neighbors.
I got down on one knee in the middle of a busy restaurant and pulled out the ring. The whole place was in tears! 'Marry me... and I'll put it back in the grenade.'
I was going to visit Bangkok... but then I said Phuket. ROFL
Getting better with girls and relationships is always tough at first and anything worth having is worth working for. Stay the course.
What do you call the argument between two vegans? A plant-based beef.
Being single is a sign that you're strong enough to wait on what you deserve.
What do you call a constipated detective? No shit, Sherlock.
Who you are when you're alone, is a better indication than who you are when you're in public
"Never underestimate the power of a big heart." - Piglet
What do you do when you see a space man? Park your car, man.
Nebraska designated Kool-Aid as the official state soft drink in 1998.
What does a dildo and a selfie stick have in common? They both have a cunt at the other end
📸: Henry Redcliffe 💕
It's only the fifth inning but both the Astros and the Dodgers just left early to beat the traffic.
Welcome to your forties. Your eyebrows are now bushy enough you can see them without using a mirror.
I got my wife something special for our Anniversary. She looked after my Downs Syndrome cousin while I went to the pub with my mates.
Serious question: when did the Dark Web and the normal one switch places?
I am all about Deadtome 2
The only bathroom law I'm interested in is one that bans loud sighing.
To the young death is nothing but a rumor, but to the old it's a promise they've been expecting
My Wife is refusing to fry any food and is insisting on eating healthier. She is turning into a Kitchen Nazi. She keeps sticking everything in the oven.
Farting in a packed elevator... Is wrong on so many levels.
Have you traveled internationally? Where was your most memorable visit?Auntie Red Tweet Tea
On this previous episode Stephan Erdman and I talked about approaching women during the day. You'll learn why daytime is the best time to approach, how to reframe your associations with cold approaching and how to start a conversation by aligning with what she's already thinking.
Use pure Aloe Vera gel as a pretreatment before shampoo to help in relieving itching and dandruff dandruff hair
Okay...here we go!!! Showtime.
"Reality is nothing like we hope. The reality is at the end of the day, more often than not, turned inside out and upside down."
Except for my tendency to screech at flying sparks, I would have made an excellent blacksmith.
[when someone compliments me] Me: I'm not sure how to respond to the reverse ball busting that is happening right now.
me: [posing cute for a picture] mugshot photographer: i said stop it
Wife: You act like a child with that phone. Me: Child? I'm a grown ass man. Wife: Let me see your phone. Me: No. *snatches phone Me: MINE
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
"I know you can't see this 'cause you're in it, but you can't help her now. You'll only make it worse. Walk away. Leave her to mend."
What do you call a redhead with a yeast infection? Gingerbread
Me: goodnight kids Kids: goodnight dad Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT
What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane A pilot
Lung cancer is the leading cancer killer across racial and ethnic groups, but there is a 35% higher rate in black men
Remember the conversation doesn't stop here. We having to keep talking about Mental Health and breaking the stigma. saving US
I once had a friend who was addicted to drinking break fluid.. But he said he could stop whenever he wanted!
A baby's laughter can be the most beautiful sound you will ever hear. Unless it's 3 am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby.
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots.
Did you hear about the Leper going for the masturbation world record? Eventually he pulled it off!
Go to my kitchen! I understand Vi. Queen Sugar
What happened to the blind circumcisor? He got the sack.
The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine's Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.
What's the hardest part of washing a vegetable? putting them back in the wheelchair
The Second World War ended in 1945.
"For the most part we still have the same problems we had we when we were 15. No matter how much we grow older, we're still stumbling."
If jews had a planet I would call it Jewpiter
Stephen King has a son named Joe. I'm not joking, but he is.
In 2013 nearly 1/2 of all deaths in black males age 16-24 were due to homicide - Dr. Reese at Morehouse Med. chp m summit
Choosing teams in real life is nothing like it was in gym class. Being 1st pick can be terrifying and being chosen last isn't the worst thing.
[wife in labor] *i press play on cassette {Ice Cube - You Can Do It} Wife:WHAT THE HELL Me: sorry hun *ff to {SaltNPeppa - Push It}
"Don't you know all night I've been waiting for a girl like you to come around?' - Stole My Heart.
The main reason I can't get ahead in life is because the system is set up against people like me who are unmotivated and lazy
Only 10 companies control almost every large food and beverage brand in the world. Nestle, PepsiCo, Coca-Cola, Unilever, Danone, General Mills, Kellogg's, Mars, Associated British Foods, and Mondelez.
💸 Affordable. Great style should not break the bank. 🌿 Where possible, the line was created using responsible methods and materials, because we love our Mother. I have some exciting news to share about this in particular, so stay tuned! Now Genx Kohls
I like jokes about the eyes. The cornea the better.
What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.
me: i don't think these drugs are working dog: me neither me: well at least that genie made you able to talk all those years ago
Before going to the hairdressers my wife asked me "What cut do you think would make me more attractive" "A fucking power cut".... was apparently was the wrong answer!
I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Which country has the fastest growing capitol? Ireland. It's Dublin every year
Midnight Sky? Best Miley song ever?
Dad: What's a lion and a witch doing in your wardrobe Me: it's Narnia Business
How do you know when you're drowning in milk? When it's pasteurise.
her: if you make one more joke about millennials having to rent things, i'm leaving you me: idk i'm not buying it
Rolled my first joint last night. Fuck, my ankle hurts this morning
Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital? In the ICU
Women Boycott Twitter
What type of wife always knows where her husband is? A widow
They should have never given you girls fake eyelashes. This chick just blinked and it sounded like a flock of pigeons took off.
Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my cock!
My white hot take is that I love the Star Wars movies but I like the mandalorian more.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you'll look wearing a new shirt after you've been decapitated.
What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired
Do you ever finish a book and think - DAMN. And then that's all you can say because you're speechless trying to process everything. Thank you, Delia Owens for 'Where the Crawdads Sing'
Lonely and awkward people are waiting to talk to you on Twitter right now
How many Mexicans does it take to pave a driveway? Six, if you slice them thin enough.
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!
This video conversation is not to be taken as medical advice and it is for informational purposes only. If you or someone you know has mental symptoms that are distressing or causing ailment then please seek professional help from a local licensed provider or emergency room.
"But every time I tell her that I want more, she closes the door.' - She's Not Afraid.
My Christian friend told me he doesn't believe in gay marriage. He said there should be no such thing as a happy marriage.
What did the bee say to his wife? No on knows. It's a Mister Bee.
Okay...here we go!!! Supernatura I SPN Family Live Tweeting
"Just cause you 2 always see my mistakes... love that line Queen Sugar
Compared to white youth, Blk youth w/no prior arrests and the same crime are 6x more likely to be incarcerated. - Prof Waldman chp m summit
What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady? But we'll never know, because he can't stand up?
When someone loves you, the way they talk about you is different. You feel safe and comfortable.
teacher: alright today we have a speaker to talk about why drugs are bad me: [rollerblades through the door but i'm so high i run straight into the wall]
This is an unbelievable statistic: 18% of all statistics are falsely inflated 106% of the time.
How does Bill Clinton get an intern into his office? He calls her on his sexyphone.
me: [headbanging to the radio] my barber: fuckin stop it
One smile, can start a friendship. One word, can end a fight. One look, can save a relationship. One person can change your life.
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
wanna crazy your crazy? try killing a fly while carrying on a serious conversation.
Damn girl, are your clothes Comcast customers? Because I can see them getting ripped off tonight.
Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.
all gay people open this ㅤㅤ god is a woman
Bob told his wife, "I can't work for him anymore after what he said to me". Wife: What did he say? Bob: You're fired
No matter what never compare your girlfriend to another woman.
My wife wears my t-shirts around the house sometimes, but the minute I put on one of her business suits to mow the lawn I get in trouble.
Getting less than the recommended eight hours of sleep a night can make you more susceptible to intrusive and repetitive thoughts; increasing feelings of anxiety and depression.
[couples therapy] ME: She thinks I make bad decisions WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
 Yo moma so stupid she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side
Ok cool - I hear ya all! Stay tuned. 🎼🎤❤️
Webster's defines "cliche" as "starting a speech with 'Webster's defines'"
When I put the left AirPod in my left ear on the first try, I know it's gonna be a great day.
Squirrels are omnivores. In addition to nuts, they also eat insects and mice.
A leading rabbi has ruled that marijuana is kosher Now we know what kids are gonna be doing for the Jewish High Holidays...
Did you hear about the Vietnam veteran who became a sewage worker? He's seen some shit.
I should have predicted this would happen - my kids saw "Kong: Skull Island" and now they want their own pet Hiddleston.
get rid of bad breath with yoghurt. a few spoonfuls of natural yoghurt neutralizes halitosis bad breath yoghurt
Amazon is hiring 33,000 new employees for corporate and tech roles. On average, the jobs will offer a total yearly compensation of $150,000.
Fitness experts say you build more muscle on rest days than you do on workout days, which is good because that's pretty much all I do.
Don’t miss Kevin and Sam Sorbo’s new movie, Let There Be Light. It’s in theaters this weekend and they need our support! Let There Be Light
I tried telling a joke my friend from Baghdad told me. Unfortunately, Iraqed it.
The news is currently that spinning image of a newspaper, but it never stops spinning.
How many gay men does it take to change a lightbulb? "Ummm ... forget about the changing the lightbulb, honey, maybe let's start with changing those curtains"
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. But other times I let her sleep in.
"People like to have a hero, it makes them feel better to think that if they're in the middle of that horror that there's someone special."
I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...
Life is like riding a bike, to keep your balance you must keep moving
I had surgery to change myself from Asian to Caucasian. It was a real eye opening experience haha
"Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to states of bliss the more confused we get, to the point where we don't recognize ourselves."
It’s funny how all the people whining that we need to destroy Cancel Culture are the ones whose points of view minimize and invalidate the experiences of other human beings.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is all I need. Not all this "how did you get in my house??!!!" business.
Its a blessing in disguise when your kids look more like your partner than they do you.... you can distance yourself from them when they embarrass you in public.
Is anyone else listening to that podcast in their car, the one with the sobbing woman who says I'm not a podcast, damn it, I'm your wife, what's wrong with you?
24 Guys, it's simple. Treat your girl how you would want your dad to treat your mom.
What Do You Call A Bad Mexican Restaurant? Shitpotle
What do you call an Irish man sitting in his garden? Paddy O'Furniture. haha
Which country is filled with very poor singers? Singapore.
Snack on Pine Nuts or add'em to salads. Single serving of pine nuts provides 14gm protein + rich in vit E, K, & niacin, magnesium, potassium
On this episode, you're going to learn the 3 biggest frustrations that women have expressed about the men they used to date. Knowing what these 3 complaints are and why women find them so unattractive will ensure that you are always the one who is in control of your dating life.
Me: I weighed myself before and after I used the bathroom and I was heavier after Wife: How? M: Eating pie on the toilet W: You're disgusting
Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?.. Because he was outstanding in his field ROFL
Surgery, like life, is a sport.. And eventually, you've got to get off the bench and decide... Which team are you playing for.
Taking down statues isn't going to fix centuries of systemic oppression, violence and hatred that black people have had to endure but it might bring us one small step closer to making ALL Tennesseans and visitors to our state feel safe - not just the white ones.
Just make sure the babies are not hungry, cuz the wolves know when they 're hungry ' E. Nina Jay We're in the mist of the holiday season, how are you reaching back to help the LGBT youth in your life? Drop a pic or share a story on how you plan on helping your community.
This year, I'm breaking with tradition a little and stuffing my turkey with delusions of grandeur.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought "That's just spam."
Have you ever heard of the lady who was accused of being the infamous Quilted Killer? She's innocent until proven quilty.
"Are you really HAPPY or just really COMFORTABLE? This is definitely a question worth asking yourself from time to time.
Today I saw 2 blind people fighting. I shouted "I support the one with the knife.!" they both ran away.
I was at the vet with my cat, Cat: "Meow" Me: "I know, that's why I brought you here"
My heart is with everyone in Tennessee who has been affected by the tornados. Sending you my love and prayers.
If it were a country, California would be the fifth-richest in the world, and the 37th-most populated as of 2020.
In three words you can sum up everything there is to know about life: It goes on
I have a very specific kind of OCD where I like to buy a dozen donuts and a dozen donut holes and then reunite them.
"I'm trying so hard to let you off the hook. I'm trying to make it right, what I did to you. Can't you see that?'
Why are african americans so good at sports? Because of hard work and dedication.
Do all black people have a problem with slavery? Or just mine?
What would you find on a German fire truck? Ladder-hosen
This morning my kitten was riding around the house on my dog's back like he was on a horse. I'd post a video of it but I made it up.
I was recently burgled. They took my life preserver, my AED and my portable oxygen tank. It was my entire life savings.
So this week on the podcast we received a letter from a young queer person concerned with life after death, and how her queerness fits into all of that. So now we're curious, how have y'all navigate your relationship with death and the afterlife as a queer person?
Just realized I’ve been calling somebody “Ty”who was just signing his texts “thank you”. Im 80
What do you call a kinky dinosaur? A doyouhaveasoreass.
Who decided to call them pallbearers and not dead lifters
Keanu Reeves was once sued for assault by a paparazzo who slipped while taking his picture. It took 18 months for the case to go to trial and just 1 hour for the jury to dismiss it.
Sometimes the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget.
What do you call children born in brothels? Whorephans
Two nuns walking through the park were confronted by a flasher. The 85-year-old nun immediately had a stroke. The younger one didn't touch it.
*mugger pulls a knife* Mugger: gimme your money Me: well this night took a SHARP turn *later* Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
Sincerity can make small deeds gigantic
How did 1940's German Men pick up Jewish Girls With a broom and a dustpan
You owe no one an apology for being gay! They owe you an apology for being homophobic!
DYK: Excessive caregiving isn't healthy and can lead to mental and emotional health issues for black women? How can we break free of this?
Some plants can "hear" bees coming and respond by making sweeter nectar.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.
What do you call a group of confused Spanish speaking racists? The Qué Qué Qué
In 2014, a man paid $13,000 for a golden egg at a sale. It turned out to be one of only a few original Faberge eggs still known to exist and was once owned by Russia's Tsar Alexander III. It was seized during the Russian Revolution and was worth $33.3 million.
Do not be passive about this work. It's about saving lives. Be bold. Be daring. You are our future. naesm2016
Protip: Buy your toddler a king sized bed. You're going to be spending a lot of time laying in that bed, so you might as well be comfortable.
"When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be." - Clean Bandit ft. Jess Glynne.
When people ask if the carpet matches the drapes, I say it's all hardwood, baby. Or maybe laminate? I'll put you in touch with my designer.
me: [gasp] santa! what are you doing here santa: oh ho ho i was just- my mom: [turning on light] you get the fuck out of here santa: linda he deserves to know who his dad is
My girlfriend complained that I treat her like a slave. So I sold her.
Canada's lakes, rivers, streams and wetlands, hold 20% of the world's freshwater.
Don't buy whitening toothpaste It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days. 15 days have come and gone... and I am still asian.
What Did The Muslim Terminator Say? Allah Be Back.
What do you call a black Canadian? Just 'Canadian'.
My epileptic brother won the dancing competition at our local pub last night... He was only walking across the dance floor to get a pint.
You know how annoying it is when your toddler continually asks stupid questions? That's how Google feels about all of us.
*In job interview* And what would you say is your best quality. *I silently stand and start moving chairs to make room to do the splits*
Unusual honesty is not the same old bs you hear people saying when they first meet. It is talking to the person like they're a close friend.
To the Dads out there: today and all days, may your Dockers be wrinkle-free.
don't make fun of anyone trying to better themselves
The Canadian election is happening and it's getting ugly. I just saw two people supporting opposing parties arguing on Facebook and they both forgot to say please and thank you.
Have you seen the Passion of the Christ? [Spoiler Alert] he dies in the end. rofl
Harry Truman went from being a senator, to the Vice President, to the President, to dropping the first atomic bomb all within 29 weeks.
Movie pitch: Millenials buy a house that turns out to be haunted, but they're just grateful they were able to afford something in a good school district.
The only thing keeping me from starting my own doomsday sex cult is that I look terrible in sunglasses.
Orcas can teach themselves how to communicate with dolphins. In 2014, California researchers discovered that orcas living beside dolphins adapted their vocalizations by adding in more clicks and whistles to match the dolphins' language.
What’s the easiest animal to shoot? Fish, because they're always found in schools
I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning.... Even if it is to make sure the door is locked.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww. ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma'am.
Life can be tough sometimes, but so are you. Chin up! You got this
"If life's so hard already, then why do we bring so much trouble on ourselves? What's up with the need to hit the 'self-destruct' button?"
By waving the flag, she became an icon for the gay community and a subsequent target for state violence. After this, there was a 3 week long anti-gay crackdown where Hegazi was the only woman arrested and she remained in detention for 3 months.
How do you know if a black woman is pregnant? Stick a banana up her cooter, if it comes out half eaten, you've got a monkey on the way!
Dates contain oil, calcium, sulphur, iron, potassium, phosphorous, manganese, copper and magnesium health
"Maybe I never learned to commit. But I'm here now and I'm staying cause I'm gonna fight to make sure you know I'm committed to this thing."
"It's not about following your heart and it's not about keeping your promises. It's about security." - The Notebook
I learn from the mistakes made by people who took my advice.
There are two types of men... 1. Those who've had their dicks sucked by a tranny. 2. Those who don't know they have...
I'm one of those lucky people who can eat whatever they want and get a huge gut
What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach? Oh no Michelle! corny
In the 2 decades I've been using USB connectors I don't think I have EVER put one in properly without having to flip it over. Not. One. Time.
Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income  family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
I found $50 lying on the street. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine.
[doing prison visitation] Death row inmate: I am so scared of dying Me: I know exactly what you're going through Inmate: How could you possibly? Me: *shows phone with text from my wife saying 'we need to talk later'* Inmate: Oh wow. I'm actually kind of glad I'm in here now
"Straight Outta Compton" by NWA was chosen for preservation by the Library of Congress as being "culturally, historically, or artistically significant."
The Nobel Foundation rules prohibit the public or private disclosure of nominees' information until 50 years after the prize has been awarded.
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have  known it's summer.
Today I want to honor the indigenous people of this land. Hopefully one day they'll have true independence. stolen land
Got asked by two Thai girls if I wanted a threesome. They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right: we had six matching balls.
If living without sport has taught me anything... it's that I could live without womens sport FOREVER.
Haters will gladly broadcast your failure, but quietly whisper your success
Doing what you need to do to get the girls you want comes down to facing your fears. Fear of rejection, embarrassment, and failure. So be fearless.
How do you say Constipated in German? Farfrompoopin
Tyler Wilmore, 10, of Delaware Swim Team finishes 1st in 50 free 28:20 black kids swim NBHCSM 14 black kids swimcary2016
The average child learns the truth about Santa at the age of 8.
[at the gym] Him: Hey man, could you spot me? Me: Sure. What do you need... 10... 20 bucks? Him: Uhh..? Me: Just kidding. I have no money.
A woman was taking a shower when the doorbell rang. "It's the blind man" he called. That's ok, she thought, so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door. "Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"
So I'm gay and single .... Does that make me homolone?
What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry corny
The best part of being a ninja would be being able to use smoke bombs to assassinate someone or get away from an awkward conversation
I just came out of my first relationship and it was toxic. My question is, how do I move on and find not relapse into another unhealthy relationship? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Wow..Amara is growing quickly. Could get interesting! Thanks for watching everyone. Next week...Baby. Action Ackles SPN Fami Iy
Why is Islam called the religion of peace? After you leave the religion, you rest in peace.
How much does it cost to buy a large singing group? 'A choir?' Ok, fine. How much does it cost to 'acquire' a large singing group.
I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ? She said "why would we choose you?"
What's up with black people? They're not black... And they're not people.
There are very few things in life I get offended about, but getting a call from a private number is certainly one of them.
Not 'good with girls'? Not all guys are born seducers but any man can learn these techniques. In fact, most coaches and teachers learned it just like you are doing.
I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night. The loud beeping was giving me a headache and made me feel dizzy
What do you say when your lesbian daughter brings home her girlfriend? "Are you going to be staying for dinner or eating out?"
Ain't no sandwich when she's gone.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: 'Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron!' She's watching our wedding video again.
[Doctor looking at my x-rays] Doctor: This is exactly what I was afraid of Me: What? Doctor: Skeletons
U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands. Or according to their tax returns, one of Netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.
What's a cannibal's favourite game? Swallow the leader.
Stranger Things' captures the 80s so well, there's even a scene of me not getting laid in college.
"There are 5 stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always 5. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance."
People with ADHD have the ability to hyper-focus on things they find interesting, according to experts. However, it can't be reliably controlled and can make switching tasks even harder.
Wayyyyy too many women are out here trying to fix men they didn't break.
It's normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
What do you call riot police in Germany? Kraut Control
You guys keep talking about drinking alcohol out of a brown bag. How does it work? Mine keeps leaking like crazy when I pour it in there.
Especially when I started getting very harsh comments from him on my YouTube videos, where he would tell people that me performing poetry was a biddah, and I was leading youth astray 2/7
Everybody loves the things you do, from the way you talk to the way you move -Adele
Every time spellcheck corrects “does” to “dies”, for a split second I panic that the subject of the sentence that has passed away
An astronaut didn't comprehend why he couldn't take off his spacesuit on the moon - guess he didn't understand the gravity of the situation
30 days hath September Same for some months that I can't remember A bunch of the months have 31 They need a better rhyme that rhyme is dumb
Ladies take him with you shopping and ask him to choose some outfits which he would like you to wear.
Never been to a cotillion.This was all new to me. Green Leaf
The average adult Silverback Gorilla can deadlift 1800 lbs. They're approximately 4 to 9 times stronger than an average human male.
Wasting your life fearing death is to die now ' Auntie Red drops knowledge about living for the here and now, and doing our best not to fixate on the inevitable. Looking back on ya life, what are some ways you've focus on living in the now? Share ya tips.
I told my friend that Jewish people call God by a different name. He said, "No way!", to which I replied, "Yahweh".
Is there actually a correlation between the time between thunder and lightning and the distance of the storm? Or is that just something all of our dads told us?
A man walks into a doctors office. 'What seems to be the problem?' Asks the doc. 'It's... um... well... I have five penises,' replies the man. 'Blimey!' Says the doctor, 'how do your trousers fit?' 'Like a glove.'
Why are black peoples palms white? Because there's a little bit of good in everyone.
Me: I'm so excited to get a good night sleep tonight Brain: Actually, how about we recap all the things you screwed up today
Kiwi improves eyesight. it's rich in Lutein which is an antioxidant that protects the vision eyes health fruits
Everybody changed their job titles to sound less threatening but not landlords. Those little lords still lordin' those lands.
ME: Can you make sure I come back as something other than a human? DALAI LAMA: I am not in charge of that. ME: [slipping him $5] I'm tired of bathing.
Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not become ill? Jerry can.
"Bruce" in Finding Nemo was named after the animatronic Great White shark used in the movie "Jaws."
Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers. They call them "I can't believe it's not Jesus"
BIRD IN A BIRDBATH: Chirp chirp chirp. BIRD IN A PUDDLE ON THE GROUND: You fucking sellout.
BREAKING NEWS. Husband murders wife with Cancer. I've heard of a gun or a knife but never cancer. Impressive.
Accidentally used my GF's razor and now I feel fat and I'm pretty pissed about something you guys did 3 years ago
If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called? Annoying.
Why did God make farts smell? So that deaf people could enjoy them too.
"You the bomb." "No, you the bomb." In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
I call my girlfriend Dumbledore. She's a head master.
Can anyone help me find the movie "Citizen: I'm not losing my mind, I'm giving it away"
My hot take is that a lot of movies everyone’s raving about are meh but have an amazing last 5 minutes, and that’s what you leave remembering
Research from Harvard University found that having no friends could be as deadly as smoking.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I'm not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
My girlfriend in college left me for another woman. I completely misunderstood her when she said she was going to study a broad.
Why is a lesbians tea green, slimy, and give you a great buzz? Because it's aLGae Bee Tea
Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked. This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.
A scammer named Emmanuel Nwude once sold a fake airport to an international bank for $242 million between 1995 and 1998.
Welp time to watch Eastern Promises
[Water cooler] -Looks like you had a wild weekend! How'd you get the scratches? *flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.
Why don't feminists work cash registers? They can't make change.
[first day as a undercover police officer] Drug Dealer: Are you a cop? Me: Absolutely not! Why? Drug Dealer: You tried to buy marijuana by calling it 'wacky tabacky' Me: Oh okay, good. I thought it was cause you saw my squad car parked outside Drug dealer: What? Me: What?
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, "My door is always open".
For example black mothers have identified anxiety and fear over the safety of their kids as the 1 stressor in their lives. What can be done?
Jackie Chan is actually a classically trained opera singer.
My friend asked me how I got so good at guitar. I told him I'm use to fingering minors.
Why was the wife worried that her husband was a light drinker? Every night, he'd go out and drink until it was light.
If you want something you've never had, be prepared to do something you've never done.
What do you call a caveman's fart? A blast from the past.
Welcome to ProbonoASL's Deaf Awareness Month Celebratory Educational Series! This thread will be the hub for all happenings this month! Each week will have a special topic, and series of guests for each day of the week ¤
I'm making a film about emos. I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler... It was exhausting.
9 out of 10 doctors recommended for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street... An they see a young boy. The priests says, "you want to screw him?" The rabbi says, "out of what?"
"I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down." - Taylor Swift.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I'm at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, "Stairs".
date: i like guys who are mysterious me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn't it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
not gonna lie, the Steve Kerr / Michael Jordan fight sounds kinda hot
What's the proper way to pronounce Mormon? The second m is silent.
Why is Italy shaped like a boot? Well, can't fit that much shit in a sneaker!
Billy West, who voices Philip J. Fry on "Futurama," intentionally made Fry's voice close to his natural voice for increased job security. It would be more difficult to replace him.
Notice: Due to overwhelming political pressure, Cracker Barrel will now be known as Caucasian Barrel.
You know it's time to move on when she develops an immunity to Rohypnol.
la croix tastes like orange crush that gave up on its dreams and got a job at a car dealership
I've been writing a joke about the whites, blacks and asians... But it's a bit racey.
Black people have 3 things that are white. Their eyeballs, their teeth, and... their masters
We shot this entire scene in an actual 100 year old barn that was still being used for livestock. It smelled lovely. Realistic Film Making
I've heard seven cancer jokes today. If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
I imagine the overwhelming feeling of freedom a prisoner feels when they escape from jail is a lot like what I feel when we drop the kids off with their grandparents.
What did the Mexican say to the Italian? Que pasta?
[job interview] Boss: What's your greatest strength? Me: I have a booty that won't quit Boss: How's the rest of you? Me: Very noncommittal
"The Lion King" is the best-selling VHS tape of all time.
Where did the Mexican man hide when robbers entered his home? Hispanic room
My wife has threatened to leave me because of my obsession with horoscopes. It's taurus apart.
How does a Muslim close a door? Islams it!
When I ship something to a small town the address is always like: 7 HAPPY SUN CRESCENT When I ship something to a big city the address is always like: 666 NEEDLE ROAD, WIDDOW-MAKER BUILDING, NORTH OF THE BADLANDS, BUZZER 1313, ASK FOR 'THE REAPER'
What's the difference between a Transformer robot and a Transgender person? One is living in a spaceship and one is living a lie.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but being gay is a blessing.
By design, many casinos avoid forcing patrons to make right angle turns as doing so forces us to call upon the decision-making parts of the brain. The carpets tend to be ugly and disorienting, as well, so you're more inclined to look up.
Maxim model Francoise Boufhal was my guest on a previous episode where she shared what it's like to be a beautiful woman who constantly gets hit on, why she friend-zones nice guys and why she goes out with guys who aren't good looking and even older men who aren't nice to her.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes...but it's right.
I just got a new job at a gay magazine. I'm a poofreader.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb. I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."
Happiness is a common feeling rare to many of us. Are you happy as a gay man, like truly happy deep down your soul? Let's get talking.
When talking to her, ask 'open' questions, not closed. Open questions start with How, Why, Who, What. Closed questions are ones she can answer with just yes or no.
Please follow us for updates on where we are providing access! And feel free to tag us this account as a point of contact for folks looking for access to BLM events, and other social justice actions.
I told my kids that at their age I had to watch VHS tapes on school safety, and they said 'what's school safety?'
What do you call a woman on a cruise ship in Mexico using the diving board at the pool? A broad abroad on a board aboard.
The horse favored to win the Kentucky Derby had to pull out of the race. Apparently, someone dug up some of his homophobic tweets.
About one in eight Americans eat pizza on any given day.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk ME: [from cardboard box] i'm sorry come out of where? WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Got fired from the Wonka factory because I refused to let that hack name the result of eight years of intensive nougat science a 'Rim Tim Timbly Jimbly Bar'
This is the future of the world, where sustainability meets the globalization and inter-connectivity of tomorrow so that more people can benefit from Israel and Jewish National Fund.' ± JNFNC 19 Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel
People overcome adversity all the time... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
George and Amal, I couldn't agree with you more. I am joining forces with you and will match your $500,000 donation to 'March For Our Lives.' These inspiring young people remind me of the Freedom Riders of the 60s who also said we've had ENOUGH and our voices will be heard.
Sweet potatoes r rich in beta-carotene, helps balance skin's pH to combat dryness & promotes cell turnover health skin potatoes
The word "photography" comes from two Greek words that mean "writing with light."
On October 1st, 1861, Charles Darwin wrote in his journal: "I am very poorly today and very stupid and hate everybody and everything."
While Roald Dahl was a student, the nearby Cadbury chocolate factory would occasionally send boxes of new chocolates to his school for the students to try. It's believed that this likely inspired him to write his third children's book, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. Fucking idiots.
ME: Herman Melville wasn't appreciated until he died. WRITER: Thanks, that means a lot. ME: [in my head] I need to make my threats clearer
"Nevermind, I'll find someone like you" - Adele
What's the difference between a deaf dog and a one night stand? The one never comes when he's called and the other never calls after he comes.
One of my favorite ways to warm up on a cold day is by having an intense panic attack
The US government once set a bunch of beer next to an atomic blast to see if it would still be drinkable after. Turns out, in the event of a nuclear war, beer is still safe to drink.
*watching The Olympics* I could probably do that if I practiced *watching auctioneer* wow I could never talk that fast in a million years
Couples who poke innocent fun at each other tend to have happier and stronger relationships, according to researchers.
Abulia: A complete inability to make decisions.
I think my girlfriend would be a great presidential candidate, Because she's so awesome at bringing up shit from the past.
You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."
Kid: mom, some kid is calling me gay mama: Hit him, in the face. Kid: I cant Mom: Why? Kid: Cause, he's so Cute!!
People with stronger friendships are better able to communicate strictly through facial expressions.
What is a Polish person's favorite weapon? A Warsaw...
MY DAD: You'll take care of me when I get older, right? ME: [Thinking about when I was little and he used to scrub the shampoo into my hair too hard] We'll see.
Why are there no transvestites in space? Because there is zero drag.
Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked: "What are you doing?" He said: "Working from home."
We are very grateful to JNF for sponsoring [our work].' - Gedeon Dagan, Professor Emeritus at Tel Aviv University Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel Water Series
Today and every day, we celebrate the innovation, talent, and resilience of Black Trans/GNC people. No matter who tries to erase our community, know that you are loved, cherished, and valued. Happy Trans Day of Visibility from The Okra Project –¤âœ
What do u call a gay dinosaur? A mega-sore-ass
Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough She keeps asking what I'm doing
My girlfriends period is on my birthday. Why does she always have to be so anal about everything?
You can't have a relationship without fights, but you can make a relationship worth the fight
When he filmed "Superbad," Christopher Mintz-Plasse was just 17 years old, so his mom had to be on set for his sex scene as McLovin.
Jupiter's outermost moon hasn't been seen since it was discovered in 2003. It's currently considered "lost."
To people like JK Rowling I have a serious question. . . Where are all of these hypothetical bathroom attacks from trans women?
What was your best PRIDE experience? Was it different from today's times? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
George Lucas pitched the idea of "Indiana Jones" to Steven Spielberg while they were building a sandcastle together in Hawaii.
Guy comes home with a flower bouquet... "Guess I'll have to spread my legs now", says the wife. "Why? Don't you have a vase?" the husband replies.
I yelled, 'COW!' at a woman on a bike as she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. Well, I tried.
People with the highest IQs are less likely to have children than people with the lowest IQs.
Me: Yes, I'd like the Mexican massage. Masseuse: The what? Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream* Masseuse: Me: Let's go, chop chop.
Dude 1: Hey, bro? Dude 2: Yeah bro? Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet? Dude 2: Brochure
many people keep mint flavored products or even mint oil with them to avoid nausea. Also, rub some mint oil on your forehead for headache
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
God removes some people from your life to protect you. Don't run after them!
God put you here for a reason, your purpose will find you, when it comes embrace it, don't reject it.
I owned a wife beater once. I can't believe I let someone else have all the fun! haha
God bless every firefighter and their families. fighting 3 weeks straight. still going. Imagine their exhaustion!Thomas Fire
People come in and go. That's life.
2 tbs of Mayonnaise provide 12 percent of the daily required intake of Vitamin K which is essential for blood to clot properly
I'm organising a charity ball next week for people who struggle to reach orgasm Just let me know if you can't come.
The word "literally" has been used figuratively for hundreds of years. Charlotte Bronte, Jane Austen, Mark Twain, and Charles Dickens have all used it for hyperbole.
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards? A receding airline corny
Sometimes at night, I peek my head into my children's rooms and say to myself 'man, I am so blessed... that they're sleeping right now'.
Bees are the only insects in the world that produce something humans can actually eat.
I made a new app for Muslim wrestlers. iSlam
All niceties aside...I need a soulmate, not fuck boy. Someone I can forge into the future with. Someone I can challenge my potential, talent with Someone who is loving in bed and in public. I'm ready to find love again.
Me: Did you hear that Amazon has a new service where they'll be delivering Christmas trees? Wife: Oh really? That's cool. Me: They're calling it Amazon Pine. Wife: I want a divorce.
A woman complained to HR that a coworker was always complimenting how nice her hair smells. HR: "Why is that a problem?" Employee: "He's a midget"
I never chase a man. I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I ordered my dream vintage Lakers tee and it says delivered yesterday but it is no where to be found. Does USPS ever mark a package as delivered before it's actually delivered?
I hold the door open for people because I'm courteous and also because I like to make them walk faster.
Your life is a gift, accept it... no matter how screwed up or painful it seems to be.
Any fool can know. The point is to understand.
What do you call a monkey with a stick of dynamite up his ass? A ba-boom. rofl
"Oooh lovely, Jehovas Witnesses" I said as I answered the door.... "Come inside and sit down while I put the kettle on" "You don't have to do that" they said... "I do if I'm going to pour boiling water over you"
What do you call a waffle on a California beach? A Sandy Eggo
Tokyo is very efficient when it comes to reducing waste. Whatever can't be recycled is incinerated, the exhaust gas goes through an extensive treatment process to reduce its environmental impact; then the leftover ash is used to make clay for cement.
My dad thought it would be a good idea to show my girlfriend my baby photos. "You haven't changed at all." she laughed. "That's enough of the naked ones, please." I told him.
The Okra Project is in search of a Black Trans/GNC chef to lead The Okra Academy. This chef will teach other Black Trans folks how to cook and expand their employment opps! And guess what? You don't have to be in NYC! We're happy to fly YOU to US. Interested? DM us ASAP! [thread]
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes...
Your soul is attracted to people the same way flowers are attracted to the sun, surround yourself only with those who want to see you grow
So grateful I grew up in the 70s when dick pics had to be developed at the drug store by a guy named Jim.
(Ok don't let her know ur Jesus) Girl: Meet my dad *they shake hands* *Dad stands up from wheelchair* Dad: It's a miracle! Jesus: *facepalm*
i'm buying a sofa and the options are poly fill vs feather down...help me!
Just found out my wife has cooties. I'm headed to the clinic to get tested. So many emotions right now"
The year is 2052, President Cooterpie has declared war on That Island of Plastic Garbage in the Pacific, and the Stones are still touring.
Flamin' Hot Cheetos were invented by Richard Montanez, a janitor at Frito-Lay who sprinkled chili powder on regular Cheetos that hadn't been dusted. After creating a new product, he swiftly rose up the ranks, eventually becoming an executive at PepsiCo.
"There is no crueler creature than a gay man." - Kennedy Warner
teamfollowback retweet if i dont folow you back immediately
People who write "could of" instead of "could have" should of listened more in English class.
Standing in solidarity with the black community - a community that the LGBT+ community is deeply rooted in - we will be taking part in Black Out Tuesday today. We stand against racism and will be taking this time to reflect, support and consider the changes that need to be made.
Santa knows if I've been bad or good, so he and my browser history have a lot in common.
I'm headed out now to the record store to buy The Raconteurs' new album. Then I'm going to the pharmacy for a chocolate malt. I live in a small town in 1948.
Marriage is all about compromise. My wife told me I need to stop eating so much McDonalds, so I switched over to Burger King.
I like to say 'toodles' when I leave work so my coworkers know the workplace alpha male has just left.
I got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer.
In the middle of difficulties lies ease
i think it's time we drop the charade and stop pretending rhode island is real
Crap!!! Why is Dean always gettin beat to hell!!!!!! Supernatura I Baby
[ phone call ] Wife: You want the white 7" or the black 9". Me: The black 9". ..and if she wasn't tablet shopping this would be awkward.
I have a friend who everyone knows is gay but he won't admit it. He'll swallow everything but his pride.
Add value to your worth. Never settle for less. Respect yourself.
Everyone has a story left untold, so never judge someone as if you know their entire life story because the truth is, you probably don't
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
"Kiwi fruit contains more vitamin C than oranges and is especially effective against respiratory health problems"
me: [rolling over for the 40th time in the middle of the night] the monster under my bed: will you shut the fuck up
I recently went on Shark Tank and did terribly because I thought it was Dancing With the Stars.
The benefits of drinking more water include having to go to the bathroom more where you can be on your phone in peace, and that's it.
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song? A hummingbird.
Everybody's a gangster until they get punched in the mouth - Mike Tyson And after that, everybody's a gangthter.
After OutKast told us to "Shake it like a Polaroid picture," Polaroid released a statement warning people: "Shaking or waving can actually damage the image."
I secretly bought some new trousers without telling my girlfriend Do you think chinos?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can't seem to get pregnant DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests... STICK BUG WIFE: ...and? DOC: Your husband's an actual stick
The loudest word ever shouted was "quiet."
Can someone recommend a great at home online workout where I just need some hand weights and a mat. Also i have a treadmill. Not like bands and a trampoline please, I am only one human woman
Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it!
Feeling for all the fire evacuees and responders. Having been thru it a few times, it's so unsettling even when you get to safety. Praying for PEACE BE STILL with those Santa Ana winds ™ .
26 Don't get overprotective, but still be protective enough to show you care.
Sometimes I saunter in front of the tattoo parlor just to make the artists' mouths water. Look at how much skin I have. It would be like doing a mural. I know what you want, you dirty dogs.
I told my chef wife that if she were to leave me... please leave me one of your incredible cupcakes. She replied..."I won't dessert you."
What do you call an african american in a 3 piece suit? The defendant.
The oldest children in families tend to have the highest IQs, according to research published in the Journal of Human Resources.
EP 63 we discuss finding the courage to go to therapy. Being accessible as a therapist. Navigating family and coming out. Exit strategies for unsafe family situations. Using the five senses to boost healing. The importance of presenting authentically and thoughts on Robyn/Whitney.
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaay
Looking for a way to help those affected by Hurricane Dorian? Text REDCROSS to 90999 to make an automatic $10 donation to the @RedCross.
Common sense is like deodorant. Those who need it never use it.
Niacin, a specific B vitamin, helps skin look more plump & younger looking, soothes dry and irritated skin in a short time
"Call your blonde friend, your black friend & your Asian friend!" - every cellphone ad ever
Nobody loves you, baby, the way I do.' - Fireproof.
Don't compare whales to feminists... It's very offensive to whales
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she's told me I forgot...
Big THANK YOU to the owners of Goodmans Septic Tank Svc and Blair Brothers Inc of Suffolk VA for funding swim scholarships! black kids swim
A few months ago while in Israel, I met a man named Ofer Aloni. He shared a moving story about the loss of his daughter and a song he co-wrote about her with @thekin. It's called "The Power to Choose Life." Please take a listen. https://t.co/GWiiVDCFBF
What do you call a homeless man? A Hobo Sapien.
The way I see it, it doesn't matter how you got here. You're either in this thing or you're not, there is no in-between. -Bomb Squad Guy
I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no. he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.
genie: you sure? most people would end world hunger or something me: [going in for my 3rd hug] i'm sure
In a room with 23 people, there's a 50-50 chance of at least two people having the same birthday. In a room with 75 people, there's a 99.9% chance.
Why are there no black people at the North Pole? Because there is nothing to steal there
How do you blindfold an Asian person? You put floss over his eyes.
What do you call a mushroom who strongly believes in radical Islamism? a fungimentalist
Me: Some people see that traffic signal as a don't walk sign... but I'm more of an optimist. I see it as an open hand inviting me to run across the street and give it a high five. Cop: (handing me a jaywalking ticket) Let's also check this guy for drugs
Sometimes I think Scientology was secretly started by Mormons so they could have a religion to make fun of.
Finally my winter fat is gone... Now I have spring rolls.
If there are three gay guys in a bath and a lump of cum floats to the surface, what do they say? Who farted?
My favorite part of true crime podcasts is the incredible suspense I feel when I'm waiting for the MeUndies promo code.
What are your best resources or most recommended groups/listservs for women of color in sales and brand partnerships?
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female and you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?
What's the difference between an Asian and a dumb white girl? The Asian try to get the A, but the white girl try to get the D
me: jimmy falon: very cool very-[laughing way to hard] that is incredible really wow
Why did the hippie stick his penis in the chick peas? Because he was a hummusexual...
Me: it hurts when I do this Doctor: sit on a table? Me: no share a room with the man my wife is sleeping with *the silence is a new pain*
"It's like we're going on a train that's going 200 miles an hour... It'd be so nice to get off. To stand on the platform for just a minute."
Context matters and can help us see things for what they are, not just the way we 're told to see them - but it can come at a cost
When humidity is at 100%, the air cannot hold any more water vapor. As humidity increases, the harder it becomes for your body's sweat to evaporate efficiently, causing the temperature to feel hotter.
DAD: [on deathbed] I... I see the light... Who left that on?
Only one plane was allowed to take off after all others were grounded on September 11th, 2001. It was a plane carrying antivenin to a man who was bitten by a highly venomous snake. The plane was escorted by two fighter jets.
It's exciting that the LA Dodgers will be playing in the World Series, unless of course their pilots get picked up.
My wife told me I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.
True love is going through all 30 pages of my wedding album and using a Sharpie to blacken my orange Crocs.
When you eat the food at the bottom of the food pyramid, all the food on the top makes money.
Policeman: I've had my eye on you for some time now. Young Lady: That's funny. I thought you were arresting me for speeding.
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code. Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
"Here's some advice. Stay alive." - Hunger Games
An old lady in front of me dropped a $20 note, so I asked myself, "what would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I can't never remember if I'm lisdexic Or epileptikjlfasd,md,.dsaf-aaaaafddasfrwe
Feeling the love from you all for our new show. Thanks for showing up here and spreading the word. OWNers you Rock! LOV Eis
12:30pm PST.
Your pastor can't pray the gay out of you. Church can't make you straight. Stop wounding your soul with the pressures from homophobic people and live your life. Jesus loves you the same, he knew you before you were born. Happy Sunday!
What is the best way to break up with a partner? Have your methods evolved over time? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Six of the dwarfs have personalities and one of them just sneezes a lot.
Most female cheetahs live their entire lives without ever raising a cub to maturity. Their species is dependent on supermoms: female cheetahs who are particularly adept at caring for cubs. One supermom, Eleanor, has mothered about 10% of all cheetahs in the southern Serengeti.
I used to think all black people had boomboxes. Then I realized that was just a stereo type
How do you make Helen Keller cry? Turn the stool upside-down
"First gay marriage. What's next - people marrying dogs?!" *nervous glance at dog* Dog: Frank, we've been over this. I like you as a friend
"I'll fight for the things that are worth it. If it makes me feel complete.' - The Wanted.
did you know that the earth used to be 100% water? that was until yo momma got thirsty.
There's nothing more manly than wearing a sports jersey with another grown man's name written on it.
PIRATE CAPTAIN: What should we do with this all this treasure? SKINNY PIRATE: Spend it on wenches! FAT PIRATE: Spend it on grog! FOUR-LEGGED FURRY PIRATE: Bury it?
"I don't even like you, Why'd you want to go and make me feel this way?" - 5SOS.
"You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details." ~ Before Sunset
My new girlfriend says that a small penis will not affect our relationship. That's all well and good, but I'd be a lot happier if she didn't have one at all.
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ? 'Dad dad look what marma-laid' !
Sometimes you have to be the first to walk away from drama, it's not called giving up, it's called growing up
Correction: It is WORLD Prematurity Day. Women w/ increased risk: low income, African American OR birthing b4 17 yrs old or after 35 yo
"As hard as we try to move forward, as tempting as it is to never look back, the past always comes back to bite us in the ass."
In the new James Bond movie, Bond apologizes to women for his behavior and is never seen again.
"I can't think about anything or anybody and and I can't sleep. I can't breathe. I can't eat. I love you all the time. Every minute of every day.'
I am amazing at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.
You may not be happy with the beginning of your story, but you can still take control of the ending
*Strong man rips phone book in half Me: That's amazing, where did you get a phone book?
A horse walks into a bar. Barman says "why the long face". The horse clearly unable to understand eats a beer mat & shits on the floor
The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money. What a woman.
To the haters on Twitter, if you don't like me or my tweets, I have an important message for you: Would 5 bucks change your mind? I need people to like me because it boosts my low self esteem.
You should never ask a woman if she's pregnant... the best way to find out is by subtly asking her for a urine sample so you can test it with a pregnancy stick.
I'm the Michael Jordan of lazy sports analogies.
What is long, black and dangerous to cut into? The line at KFC
As my feminism has deepened, I've been trying to understand why he remained someone I still loved and frankly I'm still figuring that out.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said: "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park."
What did the son corn say to the mama corn? Where's pop corn?
Are you a muscular gay dude, how do you respond to concerns by some bruvs of the community that you're full of yourself, unfaithful and generally self-serving? This is a growing stereotype of muscular gay dudes. Your thoughts. ¤” ¤”
The reason you have to wait so long at the hospital is because the doctors are busy flirting and having relations with each other just like on Grey's Anatomy.
The only time I regret having 3 cats is fairly often.
Two Arabs are on a plane. One orders a bottle of Champagne and asks the other "do you want some?". The other replies "No thanks, I'll have to drive soon".
Cucumber contains erepsin, the enzyme that helps to digest protein health protein
When is the worst time to have a heart attack? During a game of charades haha
Despite being considered a "promiscuous" generation quite often, millennials tend to have less sexual partners than previous generations. They typically have less sex overall than their own parents.
Tinder made its first match on the continent of Antarctica in 2014. Both people were research scientists.
Def missed my connecting flight due to some delays. So I guess I'm spending the night in DC! I need a drank
If we're going to arm the teachers at least give the librarians silencers.
Scientists discovered traces of cannabis on the pipes found in William Shakespeare's garden.
I deleted all the German contacts out of my phone... now its Hans free
When u get older, monsters are different: self doubt, loneliness, regret. You may be olderandwiser, you still find yourself afraid of the dark
What's black and white and red all over and can't get through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head.
Why black people are so good with basketball? They can shoot and steal without being arrested.
I was driving my date to her house and told her that I wasn't good with directions; she just laughed at me... So I right her left there.
He who establishes his argument by noise and command, shows that his reason is weak
Having recently given up drugs life is quite boring, I now need a wife of substance to abuse.
*spelling words to my wife so our child doesn't get scared* I heard on the news that the S-U-N is going to explode and kill us all tonight
What's good on a woman but not on a pizza? Crust
Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in darkness.
I went to a cannibal wedding. The Groom toasted the bridesmaids, The best man toasted the Bride and Groom and the father of the Bride toasted absent friends..... It was a helluva barbecue.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Zeal Akaraiwai, a financial consultant in Nigeria, regularly pays the medical bills of other Nigerians that cannot afford to do so. Only 5% of the country has health insurance and his motto is: "Be the angel you hope to meet."
Fellas: Don't go looking for a good woman until you're a good man.
If you're reading this... Congratulations, you're alive. If that's not something to smile about, then I don't know what is.
My brother waits till the last minute to steal packages off a porch.
We will still need the help of our community to remain up and running. As we said, funds are dangerously low today, and we don't want to stop before we've really gotten started. We hope that you'll give what you can❤ï âœ
What did the Mexican guy get for Christmas? His verdict.
What do you get when you have Tiger Woods, Stephen Hawking, and Dwayne Johnson in the same room? An Animal, a Vegetable, and a Mineral.
Britain ended the practice of capital punishment after the unjust execution of Timothy Evans for the murder of his wife and daughter. Evans accused his neighbor of committing the crime, who was discovered to be a serial killer years later. He had killed six other women.
therapist: living with depression is a difficult thing depression: actually living with him is worse- me: [knocks on door frame] heyyyy just putting it out there, we are officially out of dr pepper
Why are there no casinos in Africa? Too many cheetahs. corny
Me: Siri, did The Beatles ever use female backup singers in their songs? Siri: You have a lot of free time for a, quote, busy guy.
Max Planck was told by a professor not to go into physics because "almost everything" was "already discovered." Planck said he just wanted to learn the basics, and not discover anything new. He went on to develop quantum theory and win a Nobel prize.
Love is free, lust is expensive.
What's the most confusing day in a Mormon home? Mother's Day.
Why did the cyclops quit teaching? He had only one pupil. corny
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
Only humans think it's easier to terraform a new planet than be a tiny bit accountable.
creating daily to-do lists could help you fight boredom and give you a sense of achievement and confidence lists
2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine, both in hospital...one's in a korma..
Twitter has been abuzz over Selena Gomez's spray tan at the Met Gala. In other news, we may be having a nuclear war with Iran.
What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other's a great year.
McMaster' sounds like what happens when a German guy makes up an Irish name.
My wife says I act really immature and need to grow up I told her to get the hell out of my pillow fort with that negative attitude
Knock Knock... Whose there? Grandpa... QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!!!
I literally can't believe what I'm watching.
How do you make a Chinese man no longer Asian? Just spin him around in circles until he's disoriented
What's green and not heavy? Light green h
After a day of arguing with coworkers and family members, it's nice at the end of the day to finally get some alone time to argue with strangers on the internet
What's a movie that'll make me cry?
Why did the Mexican take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks
Well I was going to donate blood today until.... the lady got all personal and started asking, "Who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
What's the difference between pussy and mashed potatoes Mashed potatoes don't make their own gravy
It's embarrassing when you're the only one out on the dance floor... and by dance floor, I mean the electronics department in Walmart
Sit. (Just found out my dog is on Twitter.)
Pandas sometimes fake pregnancies to receive more food and special treatment from humans.
What do you call a zombified piece of toast? The un-bread.
There's a man walking a tight rope. 100ft below him there's a man getting a blowjob from an 80 year old woman. What are they both thinking? Don't look down.
Arthur Guinness, founder of Guinness Beer, signed a 9,000 year lease for £45 per year at the St. James's Gate Brewery in Dublin back in 1759.
The Mega Millions drawing is going to make someone an instant Republican.
What do a horny ornithologist and a Na'vi buff have in common? They both get turned on by blue tits.
Google is definitely a woman, it starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence.
"I'm broken, do you hear me?" - More Than This.
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe. At the hospital, the surgeon mistook a piece of candy for my toe. I now have a Tic-Tac toe.
"And yes, I've let you use me from the day that we first met but I'm not done yet falling for your fool's gold." -Fool's Gold
What do you call a fish wearing a tie. Sofishticated.
A wombat can slam its butt against the roof or walls of a burrow and literally shatter a predator's head.
Welcome to your forties. Get ready to be too tired for pretty much everything that brings joy in life.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it's the right brand so it doesn't get the hose again.
A Muslim, A Christian and a Jew walk into a bar, The Muslim blows up the place before anyone could say anything.
Asking for and receiving help is essential for holistic mental health. But must occur in context of trusted relationships and community.
A flame at the Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park has burned since it was lit in 1964. It will stay lit until all nuclear bombs on the planet are destroyed, and the world is free from the threat of nuclear destruction.
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store. I told him: 'You're not going to find what you're looking for here.'
I don't envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
You've been married a long time when the trail of rose petals she left you goes to the lawn mower
Currently trying out a new mindfulness/meditation app - can't wait to share it with you! black girls smile
I will never forgive anyone who voted for him as long as I live.
Shaquille O'Neal was one of the original investors in Google and VitaminWater but passed on Starbucks because he didn't drink coffee.
Humans and honeybees are both social species. While humans communicate through talking, honeybees communicate by dancing; wiggling their bodies at angles that point to the best nectar.
[me as a palm reader] You need to wash your hands more
The honey badger is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the "World's Most Fearless Creature." They feast on porcupines and deadly snakes, attack beehives for honey, steal baby cheetahs and snatch food from hungry lions.
In April of 2019, Brazilian authorities detained a parrot who had been taught to alert his drug dealing owners when police arrived.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce. Chicken sees a salad.
My girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well, I've got some news for her.
Every time I drink German beer I wake up with a really bad Hannover.
How do we move forward so that Black people & other groups less likely 2 seek mental health help can utilize evidence based treatments, etc.
Our main resource for desalination is sea waterWe are fortunate to have the sea right next to us.' - Abraham Tenne, Head of Desalination Division, Israeli Governmental Water and Sewage Authority Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel Water Series
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Q: How do you know if a blonde  has been sending e-mail? A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Mistakes are a great educator when one is honest enough to admit them and willing to learn from them.
To my boss who said the spelling mistakes I make are going to hold me back in the company -- you have no idea how high I can fly! Watch me sore!
I asked a Chinese girl for her number and she said... Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonigh! I thought it was a guaranteed fuck until her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
In the middle of a mess, don't forget how much you're blessed
COP: You carrying any dangerous weapons? *I glance down at my hands which are naturally resting in the karate chop position* ME: [lying] No.
For black mental health let's talk more about therapy and counseling. Self care is great but we can break the barrier to professional care.
The government had recently seized my pet jaguars (Bitey and The Claw) citing the Endangered Animals Protection Law. The only thing they were in danger of was getting too much kobe beef. I was furious, but, like a swordmaker, I used the fire to tame steel.
Ok I wrote the rest. I’m gonna sing it.
Me: welcome to IHOP, I'm the singing waiter Boss: [overhearing me] no you're not I told you no
A "heat dome" has developed over the Great Basin across Nevada and other western states. It's a high-pressure system that functions like a cap holding an ocean of hot air under it. There are no signs that it will budge soon.
What do you call an overweight homosexual? Jigglypuff.
What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
Yes a relationship is between two people, but girls love it when you publicly let it be known that you all are dating.
me: officer why would i be high cop: you were driving with your door open me: my what cop: your door was ajar me: well now it's a door
Are there Peloton message boards to talk about treadmill and strength workouts? I want online pals to discuss their favorite vids. 💪🏾🏃🏾‍♀️
So what if i don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not like it's the end of the world.
I just noticed Amazon has reclassified George Orwell's '1984' under the category of Lighthearted Romps.
My wife told me, "Don't get upset if people call you fat…" You're much bigger than that.
My wife and I argued because she thinks I'm a momma's boy. I'm pretty sure my mom will side with me as soon as she's done doing my laundry.
They never prepare you in premarital counselling for how hard it will be to decide where to eat dinner
Have ur blood tested for Vitamin D deficiency. The normal range is 35 - 75. Lower than 35 can cause fatigue, insomnia, vision problems, etc.
OMG Fact: It is possible to disagree with your chosen political party's decisions. You don't have to blindly support every bad choice they make.
Bulls don't hate the color red; they're actually color-blind to it. Bulls become irritated by a cape's movement as a matador whips it around.
The man who voiced Optimus Prime also did the voice for Eeyore and Nintendo's Mario.
When Chromatica II transitions to 911... I’ve never felt more gay and alive!!
[first date] Her: I like bad boys My dog: *Walks away disappointedly because he is a good boy
As many as 80 million bacteria are transferred during a 10-second kiss.
Lying children tend to be more successful as adults.
Crows can recognize human faces and have been known to hold grudges against people they don't like.
Instead of just looking for the right person, be the right person
You can always see your nose, but your brain mostly ignores it.
Every rose has its thorn.
"People need a safe haven from their bitterness, loneliness.."
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead. She can barely walk and she's already the drunk girl at the party.
DRINKING A CUP OF HOT COFFEE: Delicious! DRINKING A CUP OF ICED COFFEE: Fantastic! DRINKING A CUP OF COFFEE AT ANY TEMPERATURE IN BETWEEN: The devil is alive and he's winning.
"Studies have shown that consumption of green leafy vegetables such as spinach may slow the age-related decline in brain function"
Where was the first chicken fried? In Greece.
Four is the only number whose name in English has the same amount of letters as its value.
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm? Looks like reindeer.
Responding to stereotype of "angry black women" by suppressing emotion isn't healthy and is part of Strong Black Woman syndrome. Resist
IN celebration of...🤦
gays love teasing their halloween costumes like they're about to drop an album
A dog may well be a man's best friend but a cat will never tell the police where your marijuana is.
My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren't drying I swear to god...
"All the pain and the fear and the crap, maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward."
Behavioral health equity includes connecting to underprivileged groups instead of waiting for them to access the healthcare system MMH Mchat
It 's really important not to overlook how critical it is for people to be able to see others like them in leadership. No, representation is not all that matters, but we can 't act as if it doesn 't matter at all. She Could Be Next PBS All Eyes On GA
100 people died yesterday after a bus caught fire in Mumbai, India. A local police spokesman said, "Thank god it was only a 6-seater!"
Why are European cars the lightest? because there's no Americans sitting in them.
Thoughts go out to those affected by the Santa Barbara shooting. Women are human beings, they do not 'owe' u anything. Please remember that.
"Stress can result in more headaches as a result of the body rerouting blood flow to other parts of the body"
I've found that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery... Until you try to flatter someone in a wheelchair.
"If there's a crisis, you don't freeze, you move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse."
He refused and went on chatting his nonsense until I was forced to block him. Now a few years later I see this fool has left Islam and is now calling Muslims to leave their Deen as well, Audhubillah. 5/7
Feeling rejected? Remember, that's just a thought that you create. Failing is just another form of learning. Keep failing, keep learning and improving until you succeed.
Why do pencils shave? To look sharp. corny
Smoke from the West Coast wildfires is spreading across the country and has been detected in the skies above Ohio and Hawaii.
Gravity's one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it? Gravy.
Dogs are vulnerable when pooping, so they often look to their owners for visual cues. ... this is why they stare at you.
Remember everyone who said “we’ll have to see in the fall”? Ya that’s in 2 weeks.
Listening to the radio right now and Chasing Cars just came on, I will be right back when I am done crying. So many feelings
Giving up alcohol for just one month can improve liver function, decrease blood pressure and reduce your risk of diabetes, according to researchers from University College London.
I finally got a snowblower and what a difference it's made. Now instead of procrastinating shovelling the snow, I procrastinate snowblowing it.
"If I loved you, I wouldn't be up there waiting for you. I would be letting you go."
The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
Two Irish men talking. - I saw my girlfriend going to the movies with another guy the other night. - Oh my god. Did you follow them? - No. - Why not? - I had watched the movie before.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was paid approximately $21,429 for every word he said in "Terminator 2."
3 kids and another baby on the way with my wife of 14 years. This is the life......... I'm running away from.
"Sometimes you ignore it, that's the reasonable thing to do, but sometimes you listen. You're supposed to trust your gut, right?"
Rats enjoy being tickled. They let out ultrasonic giggles, and their ears become droopier, indicating that they are happy and more relaxed.
Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
Native Americans are all pissed that we took their land when they were here first... ..but we made reservations.
It's really nice to see the political parties attacking each other instead of working together. What a great way to get through the hard times in life.
taylor swift has made me want a british boyfriend more than ever with Lover
There's a dog on my street who practices Islam. I don't have a problem with his religion, I just wish he wouldn't wake me up every morning at 5am shouting "ALLAHU AK-BARK."
Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.
*Watching Rome plunge into the dark ages* That's what you get for using letters as numbers, you arrogant fools.
The black church, the 1st stop for many in our community experiencing mental distress is under attack Who Is Burning Black Churches
Pro-tip: do not go Christmas caroling in a Stand Your Ground state.
Instead of hanging useless wall art that says 'live, laugh, love', how about putting up something that will actually be beneficial to people who visit your house, like your wifi password.
Science gave us skyscrapers and airplanes... Religion brought them together
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room to remove it.
What are Jehova Witnesses called in Chinese? Ding Dong!
"When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need." - Coldplay.
High levels of stress negatively impact your memory and can literally shrink your brain.
Be a person who makes other people look forward to tomorrow
What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll up.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.
How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? Ideally three, but Toucan.
During World War I, the French government created a second "decoy Paris" roughly 15 miles from the capital to throw off German bombers.
my mom just randomly reposted a Facebook post she made for my birthday years ago apropos of absolutely nothing but now 57 of her friends and even some of my own family have all wished me happy birthday and it is not my birthday
I'm tryna watch this UFC fight tonight. Someone watch with meeeeeee
So glad the word "crunchy" exists because the only other way I can think of to describe that texture is "hard but your teeth can still smash it"
The pilot episode of "Lost" was so expensive, the network president was fired for greenlighting the project. At an estimated $10 to $14 million, it was the most expensive pilot episode ever at the time.
How many male chauvinist does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the wife can cook fine in the dark
I'm starting a new charity where homosexuals help the extreme handicapped. I'm calling it "Fruits and Vegetables"
I should rename myself Summer. All girls want is Summer to come.
A woman starts to scream while giving birth. "What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
"Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they just can't love you back in the same way."
Why didn't the mobsters car parts fit? ...they all fell off a truck.
I failed an audition to star in a porno to a Chinese guy because at the end I couldn't manage the money shot. I've learnt my lesson for next time - don't beat off more than Yu Can Chu.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
The average American woman struggles to find more than 30 minutes a day to herself, according to a 2019 study.
Why do the French like to eat snails so much? They can't stand fast food.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it's for her is to eat it. Apparently
A man in an interrogation room says "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present." Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?
What's the difference between a girl's argument and a knife. The knife has a point.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
When something begins, you generally have no idea how it's going to end. The house you're going to sell becomes your home,.....
The consistent confusion machine these people run to cover up for their constant dehumanizing and criminal behavior is historic.
What's good on pie, but not on pussy? Crust.
Me: *Can't remember people's names 10 seconds after they introduce themselves Also me: *Effortlessly remembers the name of every cat in my neighbourhood
Martin Short, Steve Martin, and Tom Hanks have 'colonoscopy parties' every other year. They arrive at Steve's house around 5 PM the night before to prepare and travel together the next day to get their colonoscopies.
Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends? because they can't protect their towers
*I hold my date's hand for the first time* Date: I've got butterflies in my stomach Me: same. I ate A LOT of butterflies before this
I gave a blind man 10$ He told me he'll pay me back the next time he sees me.
"You don't have to feel like a waste of space. You're original, cannot be replaced" - Katy Perry
"Make each day count." - Titanic
After 9 season finales, I can tell you this was one of my favorites. Mind blowing. Heart breaking. Tears. Joy. Love.
The most important things a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother
The average human male ejaculation contains about 15.8 terabytes of information.
Mild Dehydration symptoms: Thirst, Loss of appetite, dry skin, Skin flushing, Dark colored urine, Dry mouth, fatigue or weakness, chills
Ethiopian Cuisine... is a bit bland. It tastes like nothing.
Why did the match factory burn down? Because the workers went on strike
"Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder?"
Christians have the first name Christian, Muslims Mohammed, Jews Isaac, what boys name do atheist have? Godfrey
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Have you heard the joke about what's in the egg Sorry, you wouldn't find it funny it's more of an inside yolk.
It's now got to the stage in my marriage where me and the wife have gone our separate ways and will be spending a considerable amount of time apart for the indefinite future. She's gone shopping for shoes.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over. It's a vicious cycle.
Everyone grieves in their own way -me explaining to HR why I took a week off when my goldfish died
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
The problem with feminists is that they don't stop talking and I just want to fuck them.
What superhero gets hurt the easiest? Bruise Wayne.
" I can feel you touching even when you're far away from me." - 5SOS.
What do you call a barn full of black people? A police shooting range.
What is the Terminators Muslim name? Al Bi Baq
me: therapists are just vibe doctors my great grandson: it's like he's not even here anymore
Someone told me a joke about transgender surgery. Took balls to tell it.
interviewer: what's one of your weaknesses me: i can overthink things interviewer: well can i see your resume me: which color
There are several Muslim kids in my school, and the lack of ambition they all have is truly startling. None seem to care what they'll be when they blow up.
Adolf Hitler was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1939.
Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?" Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
What do you call a blue-eyed blonde that doesn't eat meat? A vegetaryan
I told my therapist about my constant need to be liked and he said we can discuss it on the jet ski I bought him.
Black people are way more susceptible to diabetes. That's not racist, it's a medical fact. Now if I said "hide your wallets, there's diabetes patients around here," that would be racist.
Billions of locusts swarm through Africa. "The sight was terrifying" Said one of the locusts.
What do you call a homosexual in a wheelchair? Rolaids.
"It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it?"
Devastated to hear the news in Manchester 💔 Sending prayers to the families who have lost or injured loved ones, my heart is with you ❤️😓
Why are muslim people so kind-hearted? Because they don't live long, especially when they're a bomb
Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. Guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog.
The first phone book, printed in 1878, included a "How To" section on its first page. It suggested initiating conversations with "Hello" and ending them with "That is all."
Fellas: Love her right or leave her alone right now. Ain't no in-between.
Dyslexic Devil Worshipper Worships Santa
Half of Chinese men have cataracts... The other half drive Lincolns.
The rub of life is that to have the things you want, you have to work for them which takes trial, error, and time. But with the right information, you can cut all of that in half.
This year for Halloween I'm giving out Canadian passports.
Craving some Flautas de pollo rn ˜”
In 1704, Sir Isaac Newton predicted the world would end in 2060.
There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people Push and pull ROFL
That old law about 'an eye for an eye' leaves everybody blind. The time is always right to do the right thing.
I recently opened a hair removal salon for Muslims. Calling it "Allahu Wax Bar" probably wasn't the best idea.
Anal with my girlfriend made my whole day But it made her whole week.
Different cultures like eating animals that we consider pets... For example, did you know that in Japan, they eat fish?
it's better to give than to receive Especially, if it's anal.
To be clear, this post contains only love for her.
"Knowing is better than wondering, walking is better than sleeping and even the biggest failure beats the hell out of never trying."
When we give each other a thumbs up, it's our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Say it with me: The USPS is literally written into the Constitution.
The reason you can't go back after going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas.
I bought a cheap hoodie yesterday. I'm not sure how good a slave he'll be, but at that price, I'm willing to give it a go.
Girls who talks about girls' problems are great. But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.
What if there was a fermented drink that won't get you drunk, but costs as much as alcohol? ~how kombucha was invented
Confused about your gender? The answer is VERY simple... If you were born with a penis, you will ALWAYS be a MAN. If you were born with a VAGINA, you will ALWAYS be a moaning bitch.
Someone told me to check every nook and cranny but I can't because I don't know what a cranny is
Get your life in order. Being gay doesn't mean being jobless, doing drugs, backbiting, catfishing, infecting partners or exposing yourself to diseases.
I found his emotional detachment somewhat confusing. Being in love, I would do everything in my power to make him happy even if it meant cash doll-outs. On his birthday I combed the entire mall to get him his favourite groceries. He was elated, he hugged me in the presence of
Working on a QNA VLOG rn with ma love! Ask away....
Jar Jar Binks is not only one of the most hated characters in the Star Wars franchise; he's also one of the most-hated characters in the history of film.
I guess " on the edge of our seats " or "on our toes"? Sorry it's very late in Texas! Night y'all!
The "Peter Principle" tries to explain the employee incompetence that haunts big companies. If a person is competent at their job, they'll be promoted until they are incompetent in a new role, where they'll be stuck. In time, each position is occupied by an incompetent employee.
What do you call houses that have good behavior? Manors.
Scholars make complex matters simple, while the layman makes simple matters complex
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars? A lot.
What do you call a cute homeless girl? Dust Bunny
I would also want to see how many Black faculty members there are in the department and have a convo with them before making any decisions.
You can pay for education, but you have to work for wisdom
Everyone retweet the above video for an adorable DM 🐥
HUMAN BODY: I can grow a fully formed human baby in like 9 months. I'm talking brain, functioning respiratory system, eyeballs, everything. ME: Cool, cool. How long will it take for my twisted ankle to feel better? HUMAN BODY: 7 years and it will never be the same.
What is a rude way of referring to a young homosexual fly? A maggot, of course!
What to you call it when you get a boner at a funeral? Mourning Wood
Where did I take my pet Cow on Valentines Day? To the Moooovies rofl
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn't Santa. LOL drugs.
About 50% of all U.S. food produce is either thrown away, left to rot, fed to livestock or hauled directly to a landfill because it's not up to "cosmetic" standards.
What's the hardest part about roller blading? Telling your parents that you're gay.
Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much... It scared the hell out of me, so today I've decided never to read it again.
What did the depressed ghost say to the psychiatrist? Thanks for lifting my spirits.
What do you call a gay rubber band? An elasstickle
Don't let a bad day make you forget a great life
Husband says to his wife "what would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied "I'd take the half and leave you." "great" he said, "I won 12$, here's 6$, stay in touch."
“There is no shame in not watching news. There is no shame in not going on Twitter. There is no shame in disconnecting.” —Matt Haig, NOTES ON A NERVOUS PLANET Books Connect Us
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
The phrase "cool as a cucumber" is scientific. The inside temperature of a cucumber can be up to 20 degrees cooler than the air outside.
I've never told anyone this before but I used to frequently masturbate with hand soap. It feels good to come clean.
Michael B. Jordan lives at home with his parents. He dreamt of buying them a beautiful house, so when he purchased his home in Los Angeles, he had them move in.
[Driving] My wife: Hey, you missed a right. Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs Right.
I'd appreciate it if you guys would stop making jokes about jazz hands. It's a debilitating disease I have to live with where my hands involuntarily wave in the air when a zippy song comes on the radio.
Don't talk about supporting local restaurants without talking about supporting the people who are risking their lives to deliver your food
What do politicians and porn stars have most in common? They're experts at switching positions in front of camera.
ME: True heroes are selfless. They do what's right and don't expect any credit. ALSO ME: My little brother should pay me a monthly gratuity for the rest of my life to thank me for teaching him about good music.
What borders on insanity? Canada and Mexico....
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something. So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"
"Don't overthink, just let it go." - Live While We're Young.
For my wife, for my daughters, for all women...I stand with all of you. This has gotta change. me too no more
They never prepare you in prenatal class for how weird looking your baby is going to be
An estimated 5 to 10 percent of people have never had a headache.
THERE'S A HORRIBLE GLITCH ON THE NEW Cholo adventures VIDEO.... going to reupload! Hang tight guys.
Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?" I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
Mechanic: you need a new carburetor Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I'm like you
Anything good on today? 😜 Gilmore Girls Revival Team Dean
Today I shocked the hell out of the mailman by opening the door completely naked. I'm not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.
Does black Santa come down the chimney and steal all of the children's presents? Of course he fucking does.
How many dead whores does it take to change a light bulb? More than three, I still can't reach it.
Lifehack: Protect yourself from identity theft by being a loser with bad credit and no money
In France, it's illegal for restaurants to offer unlimited free refills of sugary drinks.
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest will blow you.
The Hubble Space Telescope has the pointing accuracy of .007 arcseconds, which is like being able to shine a laser beam on President Roosevelt's head on a dime about 200 miles away.
Who are some dope Black Trans/GNC people we should be following? Tag them!
The rules for playing basketball in North Korea are different. Slam dunks are three points, "nothing but net" shots are four points and teams lose points when they miss free throws.
It's estimated that humans can have up to 150 social relationships, but only 5 close friends.
Ali Yeganeh, the inspiration for the "Soup Nazi," didn't like the Seinfeld character based on him. When Jerry Seinfeld went to his restaurant a few years after the episode aired, Seinfeld sarcastically apologized to him. Yeganeh shouted, "no soup for you" and kicked him out.
In 1952, the United States returned cherry tree cuttings to Japan because the parents' stock was failing due to neglect after the Second World War.
Important minds discuss ideas; common minds discuss events; tiny minds discuss people
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set, so I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My 6 yr old just asked if I'm a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Thank you for joining us on this week's Auntie Red Tweet Tea.
What do you call your Mexican crush? Juan Andonle
Balsamic vinegar contains powerful antioxidant called polyphenols which fight cell damage and boost our immune system
If ISIS would really like the world to take notice of their intentions, they should just kill a Giraffe.
What do you call a group of homosexual lions? gay pride
The most fucked up thing is that if humanity just lived by the first line of Ice Ice Baby most of our problems would be fixed.
My wife said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me." I said, "It's a fucking scarf."
Thank you to all the first responders for your bravery and sacrifice, and to those who continue to sacrifice for us today. Sending love to the families, friends and loved ones whose lives were forever changed on that day. You’re forever in our hearts.
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
There's a lot of abuse for overweight Americans on Twitter, it's not fair most of them suffer from an over active knife and fork and have a lot on their plates. You thought I was going to say thyroid didn't you. Cunt.
Decapitating Vamps and taking names. That's how we do!!! Supernatura I Vamps Suck
"allowing chocolate to melt in ur mouth produced brain & heart rate activity that was simliar to & stronger than that produced with kissing"
Me: how often do you feed the hippos? Zookeeper: several times a day Me: What kind of marbles do they eat? Zookeeper: white ones Me: nice
Being the funniest person on Facebook is like being the fastest runner at the paralympics. You win, but you're still retarded.
I don’t know anything about mattresses. What’s a good soft one
I wish these guys would get outta the bunker and do something!!!!!
Okay SDCC lets do this. I'm all costumed up and ready to mingle!
A man goes to his male doctor after several STD tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!" The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"
What do you call a cowshed in Arabic? A Mubarak
Is sorry enough? Can an apology actually heal our wounds? Ease our pain? Can it undone the hurt we've caused?
My toothpaste says it guarantees whiteness within two weeks.. Yet after two weeks I'm still asian
23 If you don't treat her well, don't get mad when someone else does.
landmark federal achievement for the Civil Rights Movement.
The bad news is my wife is pregnant and overdue and the baby won't come out. The good news is having sex can induce labour. I just have to say like this kid already. He's not even born yet and already wingmaning for me.
MOM CAT TO HER KITTENS: I will protect you from everything. I love you more than I can possibly express. MOM CAT TO HER KITTENS AFTER THEY'VE BECOME ADULTS AND ARE REUNITED WITH HER: I don't know who the hell you are, but you come here again and I'll claw your faces off.
What do black people and Apple Inc. have in common? They have no jobs
Peace be Still, is my prayer tonight. For all the fires raging thru my community and beyond. peace be still ™
Amelia Earhart and Eleanor Roosevelt once sneaked out of a White House event. They commandeered an airplane and went on a joyride to Baltimore.
How do they separate the Men from the Boys in the Navy? With a crowbar. h
Watching the Super Blue Blood Moon !
Lawrence Lanoff is tantric master and relationship coach. And on this previous episode we talked about the mythology of monogamy, how most relationships are based on managing your partner's genitals through shame, guilt, blame and jealousy and how to live an enjoyable life today.
Okay... definitely not sleeping tonight ¥° GOD IS GOOD
How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house.
Hey just a consumer heads up! I think Delta's internet is down. At least, it was for our flight Mon and again for another one today. Flight attendant said the airline was 'having issues'. Not sure if it's all flights but just letting you know in case you were planning to do work!
History has forgotten the name of the man that invented the "Lazy Susan", but it conveniently still remembers the name of his ex-wife.
Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.
Latest entry in my Gratitude Journal: "The Altoids people didn't go into the suppository business."
Sunflower Seeds r anti-aging. they help stave off wrinkles and improve skin elasticity. Eat a handful every day young anti age health
"The future is completely out of your control."
Pretty typical that a female Asian drove Reddit into a ditch, and now a white man has to dig it out.
However, Buzz Aldrin noticed ants creeping through a crack in the concrete, suggesting that microbes could also get in and out.
Don't hate what you don't understand.
god: [watching my life] oh this guy's definitely getting into heaven me: [waves goodbye to my poop as i flush] god: wait
What the difference between Anne Frank and a mouse? A mouse doesn't become famous for living in your attic.
"You don't know you're beautiful, that's what makes you beautful." - What Makes You Beautiful.
"When people have privilege we expect them to be sensitive in how they address particular things. if someone has white privilege/male privilege or whatever I expect them to have done some of the work in order to understand what other people are living through and dealing with."
What do you call a broken can opener A can't opener
What question would confuse a transsexual who used to be a woman? "Have you ever been abroad?"
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I bought my wife some gloves and a sex toy for her birthday if she doesn't like the gloves she can go f*ck herself
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout "Heroes in a half shell." 3) When a girl yells back "Turtle Power," marry her.
My wife used to get so fat that she had to go to the hospital; then a person would fall out of her. That doesn't sound normal.
President Jimmy Carter once sent a jacket to be dry cleaned with the nuclear detonation codes still in the pocket.
Be mindful of your close circles as a gay man. Your circles determine your mental health, social integrity and personal well being.
The airport lady at passport control saw I was American & warned me there were no McDonald's past security. I feel very profiled & grateful.
fish is rich in omega 3 fatty acids, essential for brain function & development. For brain health, eat two servings of fish weekly
The April showers brought May flowers. *I light a cigarette* I don't know why we didn't see those June bees coming.
How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.
What do you call a deaf person who can't lip read? Anything you want!
The best way to understand what it's like to be Canadian is to walk a kilometre in their snowshoes.
My wife had to buy some new bras, so I guess we'll be remortgaging our house again.
You know what political issue is black and white? Race relations.
I was at the checkout line at the grocery store. The lady asked me if I wanted to make a donation to Childrens Hospital. I said, "Sure, I think I have a couple I could do without. When can I drop them off?"
I listened to Walking in Memphis five times on repeat today, what a song
How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating? If she's only wearing one sock.
Beating Serena Williams means something. It always will to her competitors. That matters more than anything.
Consuming complex carbohydrates help regulate blood sugar levels, they can be found in brown rice, wholemeal pasta & bread & oats carbs
Tiger Woods' real first name is Eldrick.
My girlfriend is like my bank account Only there for the money
Johnny Depp used Marilyn Manson as inspiration for his role as Willy Wonka in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."
We want to know what YOU are thinking! Let us know what you want us to discuss on Black Mental Health Net BMHN
When it's time to act and you're all alone with your back against the wall, the only voice that matters is the one in your head.
Why is nostalgia like grammar? We find the present tense and the past perfect.
As gay men, we do so well protecting ourselves against STDs. But we fail at protecting our integrity and reputation through our actions and inactions. It's not all about our health...It's also about our reputation.
What did the nurse who knocked on the pregnant lady's door say? Womb Service!
Some people send out nude photos like it's no big deal. I'm reluctant to send one of just my face.
They call them 'beer gardens' because 'people drinking in a parking lot' doesn't sound as classy
James Madison, the 4th President of the United States, was a relatively petite man. He was 5'4" and never weighed more than 100 pounds.
They should make brownies that look like joints but contain no marijuana.
I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He cried. Then he hugged me and my brother.
A Wizard walks into a gay bar, and disappears with a poof.
You can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
Where do Muslim hipsters shop for clothes? Turban Outfitters!
Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery, don't panic. Me: But my name isn't David. Doctor: I know. I'm David.
"If I had to choose my best day ever, my finest hour, my wildest dream come true, mine would be you." - Blake Shelton.
This woman is so cool she makes me Dizzy! Check out Ms. Wilson's new LP http://t.co/Qsncnmqs . She Tweets and is on http://t.co/QSdNZ6tl
On my way to the grocery store lol
I spent an hour thinking about it and I've decided that the coldest insult is calling someone 'the Dasani of people'
Do girls in Asia get tattoos in English on their backs?
What`s the difference between chinese people and racism? Racism has many faces
Why do all the conspiracy theories have to be so negative? It'd be nice if one said 'the government is using this time to plan a huge surprise keg party for everyone where we all get a million dollars' so we could all rally behind it.
Where does a catholic cat go when it dies? Purrrgatory.
What do black people do after sex? 15 to life
I heard writing described as "mining for diamonds" but for me it's more like the scene where Uma Thurman punches her way out of a coffin.
What did the ghost give his girlfriend on Halloween? A "booquet" of flower.
Cells are replaced with stronger cells. This only happens if the cell gets the right nutrition. This is called regeneration anti aging
Who's still going to watch greys tonight?
So that last tweet barley went through from last night! And it's a Foo Fighter song lyric! I'm OKAY everyone - I just love that line! ˜‚ ˜˜
According to Nutritiondata.com, just one ounce of maple syrup contains 46 percent of the daily value of manganese
If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world... Then Who is.
Why are the best bellydancers all Arabs? Because they can sheik it.
If you think George R. R. Martin books are long, you should try reading a text from my mom
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed When we broke up she went fucking bananas
Hegazi was charged with "promoting debauchery" and with joining an illegal organization that "threatens public and societal peace '. She sought asylum in Canada where she was provided safety from prison. Her death was believed to be through suicide.
thomas edison: [invents lightbulb] moth: i'm gonna hump that until i die
It takes a loss of only 1% - 2% of your body's ideal water content to cause dehydration dehydration
To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing" Have you ever considered being more interesting?
sorry I've been mia a bit... new videos coming soon. might wanna do more talky stuff. how do you feel bout thatmmmmmmm?
My partner of 3 years has decided that she is Christian and no longer wants to be in a lesbian relationship. Is there any advice you can give on how to move on Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, "Are you taking a video?"
tsa agent: you're gonna have to step out of line me: [opens medieval helmet visor] no
Do you feel like you matter to this society? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Damn, can't believe tmrw is going to be Halloween already! Anyways, what are you dressing up as?
How do you know if an Italian person is mute? When you see he has no hands.
Our nation would be shocked if they know the sons and daughters they condemn as gay or lesbian are the doctors, policy makers, lawyers, journalists, actors or even pastors that shape daily lives.
Sometimes when I'm debating with someone about human rights and social issues I think about global warming and think to myself "In 100 years this whole planet is fucked!"
The muslim kid I went to school with was always notoriously late for everything... We called him 9/12.
17. Baileys son gets his middle name from which doctor?
ME, TRYING TO REMEMBER MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY: I wanna say the middle of April. Maybe June. Possibly August. ME, THINKING ABOUT THE FIRST TIME I ATE A SNICKERDOODLE: October 8th, 1996. 3:42 pm. The steely blue sky and crisp autumn air heralded winter's imminent arrival...
Let them hate, demonize, curse and insult. Just focus on your dreams and ambitions. In the end, they will marvel and realize being gay is just a magic part of your amazing self.
The other day, my friend told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
Q: Why did the lady and her attorney seek a scarlet frock as part of a settlement? A: Because she wanted a red dress for her grievances.
I like my puns like I like my sausages. The wurst ones are the best.
i even said 'it's not my birthday' and these aunties still out here like 'happy birthday ma!'
"We need people who are willing to put themselves second sometimes for people who have never been first." naesm2016
Greek yoghurt is higher in calcium and protein and lactobacteria than regular yoghurt health yoghurt
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
What is a Cell? something you keep black people in
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in there.
I'm going to start a podcast, mainly because I think it would be great to have more people besides wife and kids who don't listen to me.
Netflix is a pretty rich company considering 90% of the people reading this watch Netflix on someone else's Netflix.
lawyer: it says here that the killer only spoke in outdated memes me: [nodding] lawyer: so would you please state your name for the record me: [sweating] my name jeff
What did one earthquake say to the other? Hey, it's not my fault.
One shot left till I'm wrapped...gonna be tight, but I'll be there. Whose joining us? SPN Fami Iy Supernatura I
"Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is."
[bedroom, wife and I are about to go to sleep] Wife: Ugh. The lights. Can you flip them off? Me: Sure. *continues lying there and gives lights the finger*
PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.50 ME: I can't afford that PIZZA GUY: Well you'll have to pay some other way. ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. PORN DIRECTOR: Cut! What the fuck are you doing?
A policeman knocked on the door and said, "It looks like your wife has been in an accident..." I said "Yes but she has a great personality!"
3/ How have I avoided burnout I work hard at setting boundaries both with patients and in my work environment. I fortunately have the autonomy in my practice to be able to adjust my schedule to suit the way I work best.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they'll spell it.
My wife asked me to give her some peace and quiet last night whilst she made dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Why was the Jewish man so defensive about his beer? Because Hebrewed it.
The word "dude" comes from the word "doodle." As in "Yankee Doodle," meaning "fool" or "simpleton."
I bet some astronomers can't tell black holes apart because they're racists.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
Sure fire way to get out of jury duty: answer all questions with Austin Powers' 'Oh behave!'
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up? It's all over town.
"Ripe grape juice is an important home remedy for curing migraine. It should be taken early in the morning, without mixing additional water"
I like how Werther's thought it was necessary specify their candies are the originals, as if other companies were copying their disgusting old person candies.
Old people, when you say "the good ol' days," do you mean during the draft, or when black people had separate bathrooms?
What do ISIS want for Christmas? Turkey, apparently.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 50 million has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you know that Princess Diana was on her cell phone when she died? She was also on the dashboard, the windscreen, the roadside...
Being gay, black, HIV+ and jobless is a nightmare many face world over. Stigma, social injustice and unfair public health systems have left many victims to drugs, crime and prostitution. Social Justice and unfettered access to health care must be the human right for ALL!
The signs of spring are here - the warmer weather, the green grass, me at 5am yelling 'shut up, birds!' from my bedroom window... gotta love this time of year.
It's too easy to read about politics these days. I miss the days where you had to decide if reading about it was worth the trip up to the roof to retrieve your newspaper.
Advice is the only commodity where the supply always exceeds the demand.
I met this amazing girl while speed dating. We stayed up all night and day just talking and giggling and I guess speed will do that to you.
Protip: When making snow angels, remember to lay down first... otherwise you end up looking like you're just doing jumping jacks.
I don't need alcohol to have an angry unpredictable time.
I am so saddened to learn of Luke Perry’s passing. From all accounts the sweetest of men. A great loss. As a stroke survivor, I feel urged to say- get educated. Learn how to recognize a stroke. It can happen to anyone regardless of age. All my love to Luke’s family and friends.
The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
If caitlyn Jenner goes missing Do they put her photo on the back of a bottle of tranny fluid
Why did the blind kid fail geometry? He didnt see the point.
"Do you think about me like I do? Do you cry for me sometimes? And sing a sad song again." - Baek Ah Yeon.
On at least two occasions, CNN correspondent Sanjay Gupta had to stop reporting on location and provide aid as a neurosurgeon. He treated a Marine in Iraq and a 12-year-old girl who was injured in the 2010 Haiti earthquake.
Australians don't have sex... Australians mate. haha
‘Cause no one is wondering if Ava Duvernay or Awkafina or Reese or Michaela Cole has imposter syndrome, dude. We just think they’re awesome.
Why do the french have so many civil wars? Because they like to win one every now and then
4/ How I avoid burnout I make mindfulness and health a priority. Daily meditation truly changed my life about 2 years ago. Not only did my stress and anxiety decrease but I found more joy and fulfillment from both my work and my family life.
Yo mama so fat.. I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
The day is almost ending. Have you called or texted your boo to at least check up on them? Just saying "Hi, hope your day is going well? Luv u" is enough.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she's left. She obviously wasn't blind at all.
FUN FACT for you movie buffs, the original title for Star Wars: A New Hope was Space Squabble: A Fresh Dollop of Good Vibes.
When is International Men-Frequently-Mistaken-For-Women Day?
Can you do me a favor real quick? Put your pronouns in your bio. Just do it. Thanks a ton.
Not masturbating for one week leads to a 45% increase in testosterone for men.
Try experimenting with lowering your voice when talking to her. Women love low, dark voices. Don't have a low voice? You can develop this.
Traveling? Start your holiday off right and give yourself time to spare. Better to be early than on-time/late and frazzled!!
What is the most popular type of tree in California? Ash.
What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig
You never know how much patience you have, until being patient is the only choice you have.
Demetria Lovato was fully in her Telfar when she recorded Daddy Issues.
A dad is given bad news by a doctor Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
Hi, I'm black and I can't stand the stereotype that we are all criminals. -Sent from your iPhone
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy. I just don't see it.
Welcome to the twitter of ProBonoASL: a group of radical BIPOC interpreters across multiple intersections bringing access to Social Justice movements in Southern California.
Rufus/Bobby combo???!! I think there might be some logistical issues with that. 200thEpisode
Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies? Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable
A detail lost in the story of Jesus: how frequently, and early in the day he began turning water into wine.
I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar Almost made me puma pants.
me: i am a human being, earth's dominant species, and i will not be- wasp: fuck off me: ok
Why are Jews so bad at maths? Cause they can never find the final solution
Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better
My grandmother died and left me a tomato. I shouldn't have asked for any heirlooms. rofl
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. Now we call him Dr Awkward.
When we speak, we repeat what we already know, but when we listen, we may learn things we never knew before
When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.
Doctors treating Nelson Mandela say his condition has 'improved'. So he's white now?
Did you hear about the Indian who drank 4 gallons of tea? They found him dead the next day in his tea pee.
*Describing a mountain to someone who's never seen one* Pal: you don't explain things well let me do it Me: imagine the opposite of a hole
In her new book More Myself, she reveals the struggles, the insecurities, and the joys to becoming more herself. It's the first book I'm releasing from my book imprint and all of my proceeds are going to the Boys and Girls Club of Kosciusko, Mississippi.
Beluga whales can mimic the human voice so well; a diver once believed his colleagues were trying to talk to him when, in fact, it was just a whale.
You can't correct what you aren't willing to confront
What do Mexican Zombies eat? Re-fried brains.
We swallow 8 spiders in our sleep every year, so can anyone REALLY say they're a vegan?
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed? Everybody.
My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard. Personally I'm on the fence.
Milk chocolate contains Serotonin, a neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of well-being and work as anti depressant chocolate
Can't wait for the day that somebody tells me i'm the best thing that's ever happened to them and they mean it.
"I'm losing myself trying to compete with everyone else, instead of just being me." - Demi Lovato
Abdul, my neighbour was crying... "What's wrong?" I asked. "We lost our baby daughter, cot death" he replied. "Oh dear, that's so sad, never mind Abdul" I said, "just think of her as another virgin in paradise for your brave soldiers now"
Mike Myers initially wanted Jim Carrey to play Dr. Evil in "Austin Powers," but Carrey passed due to scheduling issues with "Liar Liar." Myers then played the iconic role himself.
stan slayyyter
A disabled woman's guide dog has just shit all over the footpath near my house. So I've done the responsible thing and proceeded to video her whilst she struggles to clean it up.
They never tell you what you're supposed to do with your tongue when you're at the dentist. How was I supposed to know licking his fingers would make it awkward
Breaking up: Learn what you can from it and improve yourself so you'll have a better chance of keeping the next one. Repeat. Never let anyone cause you to give up your birthright of companionship and love.
My dear, if you are reading this...you wanted your story shared anonymously and so have I done. It's not about your dad and brothers...It's about your life. Dying to punish others never works especially when they hate you for who you are. Think twice. Cherish life.
Halloween gives us something the movies never could - drunk Iron Man puking on the curb.
Got insomnia? My trick for falling asleep is to let my wife pick the movie and I'm out in less than 5 mins.
How are babies different from feminists? Babies grow up and stop crying.
What do you get when you watch 'Cinderella' backwards? A woman in her place...
Auntie Red did you hear the new Meg and Bey savage remix Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Are we still taking mental health seriously in the black community? Or have we slacked off because there's no current media driven crisis?
A lesbian tried to hit on me today, so I let her know that I was straight. She told me, "Spaghetti is straight too, till it gets wet"
Striking up a conversation with a stranger can help improve your mood, according to a study from the University of British Columbia.
The feeling of contentment in your life depends upon the quality of your prayers.
Having directors block...need ideas. What do we think about this The Gallows movie? I might need to steal some ideas. Looks creepy. SPN 11
driving instructor: don't hit the orange cones orange cone: yeah you bitch baby. lil baby bitch driving instructor: [holding me back] he's not worth it man don't
Life consists of avoiding people you have seen naked whilst trying to find new people to see naked!
*writes inspirational post about not letting the behaviour of others determine your happiness *gets upset when no one retweets it
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaay
I was in the pub with the missus last night, and I said, "I love you." She said, " Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied, "It's me, talking to the beer"...
a tablespoon of paprika contains 74% RDA for vitamin A which initial for healthy vision + healthy skin paprika
Wanting to know how to do ________ without appearing needy IS being needy because you want to do it. Start over.
The only thing I don't love about those 'Medieval Times' restaurants is how you die at age 30.
Whats the best and worst job you had? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
I'll pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.
If beans are the musical fruit, then cauliflower is the quiet kid with no obvious ambitions and a strange odor.
You don't know what you've got until it's gone, and you won't know what you've been missing until it arrives.
What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7, or 11 ounce portions? Prime rib.
We were all talking about our favorite holidays so I said 'Onion Day' and everybody just stared at me blankly. I don't know how much longer I can take this big city life. I miss the farm. I miss my onnies.
Have you ever wondered why it is that a girl will lose all interest, attraction, and even fall out of love with you when you make it so clear and obvious how much you care for her? Well it's because you made it so clear that you care. Let's talk about how attraction really works.
"Why didn't you try harder? You just left..."
Prawns r rich in selenium. Selenium is believed to prevent the growth of cancer cells prawns food health
It's hard to admit when there's no problem to treat, to let it alone before we make it so much worse.. before we cause such terrible damage.
I'm not wearing glasses anymore. I've seen enough.
Tests are inevitable; patience is optional
"Stepping back is the only way to get perspective and when we have everything in perspective, we remember where our hands truly belong.'
"What am I suppose to do, when the best part of me was always you?" - The Script
"Truly, madly, deeply, crazy, deeply, in love with you, In love with you." -Truly Madly Deeply
Sometimes you have to dig down deep to find the motivating factor that keeps you going. So fuel the fire of your journey with those things that motivate you. Music, goal collages, favorite quotes, and like-minded friends.
Hopefully no one ever sees those shorts I was actually wearing. Too Short 4 Dean Wheres The Beer Baby
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I'd like whipped cream on it.
"If you can think of any reason at all why the universe is so screwed up and random and mean, now would be an amazingly good time to tell me."
If an Islamic man is murdered, what do you call it? A Muhommid-cide.
What do a prostitute and a plumber have in common? They both service the john.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there"
You would think that a Snail without a shell would move that bit faster? But it's actually more sluggish.
Your gay relationship is indeed a deep if you can both get down on your feet and pray together. That completes the circle of love...true and pure love.
Why don't blind men go skydiving? Because it scares the shit out of the dog!
No more Unsolved Mysteries before bed.
A Mexican once tried to steal my golf clubs.. so I had to shoot a hole-in-juan.
What do you call a black guy with Parkinson's? A chocolate shake.
....60 minutes. 3600 seconds. That's it. Then it starts all over again.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line.
If you got bladder problems... Urine trouble.
I've learned a lot from movies. Like how in the 1970s if you wanted to develop a picture you had to turn on a red light and put a piece of paper in a tub of juice.
I like how you're allowed to have 100 cows, but if you have 20 cats people think you're weird. Double standard.
Sorry, Babe, it's over. *I get on my motorcycle but I can't get it to start so I use my feet to scoot away*
What is it called when one butt cheek is bigger than the other? Assymmetrical.
Don't you just hate that situation when you're picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone's luggage is better than yours. Worse case scenario.
Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly in the path of the best things that will ever happen to us
The Omega-3 in salmon are also known to support brain function & memory relaxing the brain & preventing Alzheimer's disease salmon brain
I’m calling gentle bullshit on these long lists of books everyone read this year
Neuroscientists discovered that having even the smallest amount of power reduces our ability to empathize with others. The ability to adapt our behavior to the behaviors of other people is reduced and may explain why bosses are often viewed as "mean."
*We hear children singing* CHILDREN: Row row row your boat ME: Cute CHILDREN: [slowing down] Gently down the stream ME: Bit creepy now CHILDREN: [getting British] Merrily merrily merrily merrily ME: Oh no CHILDREN: [crackly like a gramophone] Life is but a dream ME: Run!!
Remember collect calls y'all?'Heard you walkin around town in your drawers' made me ˜‚Love Is
Roberts is really just going to leave Kershaw in. He's still a Boston man at heart. Fire Dave Roberts
If you have a few extra dollars please support my friend and this good cause!
when she opens up to you, never take that for granted.
Trans Rights Are Human Rights Trans Rights Are Human Rights Trans Rights Are Human Rights Trans Rights Are Human Rights Trans Rights Are Human Rights Trans Rights Are Human Rights Trans Rights Are Human Rights Trans Rights Are Human Rights Trans Rights Are Human Rights
A black guy broke into my house last night, luckily the only thing he got away with 3 of my bullets in the back of his head.
Twitter always says I should follow celebrities, but I wonder if it ever suggests they follow me, like "here, follow this random ugly guy"
I love Clooney’s movies but remember not one frame of Syriana, Good Night and Good Luck, Michael Clayton or Ides of March. Like i couldn’t describe the plot to any. WTH
How Do U Kill A Retard? Give him a knife and say "who's special?"
John F. Kennedy's brain has been missing for 55 years.
I can't decide on a satanic card game to play. Oh well, better the devil Uno.
My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now." Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born?" "No" I replied. "I've got his girlfriend pregnant."
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.
What do you call a bunch of crows inside a tent? Murder within tent.
It takes longer for Venus to rotate on its axis than it does to complete a revolution around the sun. So, if you were born on Venus, you'd turn 1-year-old before you were 1-day-old.
It isn't gender, sexuality or race that separates us... It's people who can take a joke and people who can't.
I'm in a very serious relationship with my girlfriend. Haven't laughed in two years.
Where can Sihks and Muslims buy headwear? Turban Outfitters.
What is the only thing on earth that goes "ha ha" on a Monday? A bit late, but.... A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time equivalent to 1/100th of a second.
What do you call a Chinese conga line? A Chu Chu train
[first day as an exorcist] Boss exorcist: How's it going? Me: Really well! Have a look for yourself... *sees demons running on treadmills and lifting weights* Boss exorcist: I think you misunderstood what I meant by exorcise the demons
customer: i'd like to return this boomerang me: oh it does that for you
I wiped out on my motorbike. The bad news is I was severely injured. The good news is the jeans I was wearing are now distressed and look very trendy.
I’m really digging this Joan Jett meets Debbie Harry meets Kylie Minogue vibe for Miss Cyrus.
If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it. It's still fowl language.
ME: Why don't you guys want to hang out anymore? FRIEND: Well ever since you got that thesaurus... ME: Is it my perspicacity? My panache?
What do black people and Batman have in common? Neither one of them get dadjokes
My obese parrot died It was a real weight off of my shoulder
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home...so I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
where can I watch the 4th debate in full?
Q3: How do we begin to redefine the role of Religion and Mental health and the perception that the two are mutually exclusive? TWS Chat
me: where do you want to eat her: olive garden me: i love gardens too but we need to figure out where to eat
Did you know the pope really loves cats? He's a real catholic.
What's the first sign of AIDS? A pounding sensation in the ass.
Why don't vampires bet on horses? They can't handle the stakes.
Just because it's permissible, doesn't mean you should do it
How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey? One, but you really have to squeeze him in! Happy Thanksgiving 2018
Sometimes I can't tell if I'm looking at a captcha or a text from my mom.
Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world. Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything? Netflix: no
Don't try to change a girl's feelings for you. That's impossible. Instead try to realize the truth, logic won't work. Then you will see it is not her feelings that change, only yourself.
Eating dark chocolate can help reduce anxiety and improve symptoms of clinical depression, according to scientists from the University of Calgary and Alberta.
I usually don't talk about anything personal on twitter, but I've had a great night and I would like to share how I'm feeling with you.
E'erbody prayin' , but their hearts not right. Greenleaf
Aretha Franklin's voice was officially designated as a "natural resource" by Michigan state's Department of Natural Resources in 1985.
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy? A constellation prize.
80% of blacks who smoke choose menthols which are actually easier to start and harder to quit. spread truth # makesmokinghistory
The AMBER Alert stands for America's Missing: Broadcast Emergency Response. However, it was initially named after Amber Hagerman, a nine year old girl from Texas who was abducted and murdered in 1996.
Don't forget the lotion today New York
Anybody catch that move with the purse? You can't teach that. Supernatura I
Football is like Sex your mom sucks at both
I finally found a girl with the same beliefs as my family She believes I'll amount to nothing as well.
Today, I overslept and completely missed my 2nd nap.
You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
ON THIS DAY August 6, 1945: Hiroshima became the first city in history to be targeted by a nuclear weapon when the US Army dropped an atomic bomb at 8:16 AM. A blast equal to 15,000 tons of TNT reduced four square miles of the city to ruins and instantly killed 80,000 people.
Haha..nice wall art! Inspirational
The best part of having a good travel mug is how even 2 hours later I can still burn my mouth on hot coffee.
Why are there no black astronauts... Is there any cotton on the moon?
Do we believe that we are valuable enough to HEAL? -Dr. Bruce Purnell black minds matter trilogy of trauma trauma black children
Plenty of men will want to share a night with you. The right man will want to spend his life with you. Facts
I'm giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out completely wrong. I'm giving up. Drinking for a month!!
A girl at the restaurant was about to eat her food before I stood up & yelled "STOP. THIS IS NOT THE THIRD WORLD LADY. INSTAGRAM IT FIRST"
Book Recommendation- Black Pain: It just looks like we're not hurting by Terri Williams black minds matter trilogy of trauma trauma black children
May those predicting you die prematurely just because you're gay live long enough to realise being gay doesn't mean living a short life.
Raw meat used to make me sick. But now I'm cured.
To avoid criticism: do nothing important and say nothing worth hearing.
We are looking for Black Queer+Trans conferences, symposiums, art events, festivals, cookouts, parties, etc. to attend and engage even more with our community. Drop suggestions below!
Try replacing candy w/ "Dried Apricot Paste". A rich source of potassium, Vitamin C & beta carotene. & it's sour with a candy-like texture.
What's the difference between magic and black magic? Black magic doesn't work.
When Elon Musk was 17, he spent a month living off $1 a day to see if he had what it took to become an entrepreneur. He ate a lot of hot dogs and oranges.
Check out our blog entry and let us hear your thoughts. We 're also on IG at Ourselves_Black
I live for that sexy time of night where my wife and I get in bed together and argue about who is more exhausted
There's no antidote for a blue-ringed octopus bite. However, if you can get to a ventilator to help you breathe and wait out the 15 hours of paralysis, your muscles will start working again and you'll survive.
What did Barack say to Michele when he asked her to marry him? I don't wanna be Obama self.
Like I said, disappearances happen. Pain... goes phantom. Blood... stops running. People... people fade away....
A Texas Judge once sentenced a woman who had starved two horses to the point of emaciation to be on a diet of only bread and water for the first 3 days of her 30-day sentence. She was also required to have two enlarged photos of the sick horses in her cell.
The only tan I'm getting this summer is a caftan!* *Excerpted from my Golden Girls spec script.
Nancy Grace just called pot smokers "fat and lazy". Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o'clock on a Monday watching your show.
Had such a great day talking about adoption Saturday is national adoption day ❤️
Stephen Hawking believes he's solved a huge mystery about black holes ...and he'll keep believing as long as we all play along, ok? He's adorable.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Why don't they have sex ed and drivers ed on the same day in the middle east? There are never enough camels to go around.
A young woman visits the doctor and sits in the examination room after a series of tests. The doctor finally walks in and says, "Well, it looks like you're pregnant." The woman replies, "Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!" The doctor says, "No, it just looks like you are."
Two Chinese dudes break into a distillery. One says to the other 'is this Whiskey?' The other says 'yes but not as Whiskey as wobbing a bank'
I am officially 'one order of gravy fries can instantly undo six months of diet and exercise' years old.
The Roomba's battery died when it was only half done cleaning the house and I've never related more to a machine in my life
Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.
Let us know how you are spreading the awareness by using the hashtag NWGHAAD
I want to live in a society where it's ethically and morally acceptable to eat dessert after breakfast.
Why do we fall in love so easy, even when it's not right?' - Pink.
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says 'What an interesting pet, whats his name?' 'Tiny' the man replies. 'What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?' Because...he's my newt.
My cousin is so poor.... that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.
I hate when people say "women should stay in the kitchen" ...how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special
Playing video games can help train your brain to make faster real-life decisions with equal accuracy.
37 Don't just say "We'll do what you want." actually plan something, and put effort into it!
Someone who exhibits qualities of both an introvert and an extrovert is called an 'ambivert.'
My son just came home from robotics camp. At least, I think that's him.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction.
A man and a woman walk into an elevator The man asks the woman, can I smell your feet? The woman looks at him with disgust and says no. The man says, it must be your vagina then.
Cremation isn't free. You gotta urn it.
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters. My daughter Chewbacca not so much.
Why did the slave go to college? So he could pickup his Master's degree.
You can apologize a thousand times, but if you don't change your actions, your words are meaningless
Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, Swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim. - Finding Nemo
Hollywood are going to make a film about a black cocaine dealer. It's called "Chocolate and the Charlie Factory"
What is muffins spelled backwards? Exactly what you do when you take them out the oven.
You have to cultivate the habit of savings and investments as a young gay man. The future isn't secured.
Tired of having to exert yourself by unrolling your own toilet paper? Want it pre-unrolled when you get to the bathroom? Having a toddler may be right for you.
What do transsexuals run on? Gender fluid.
Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn't overly dependent on her. Lady: These are 4th graders- Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS
Nothing more soul-crushing than making the salad for your big holiday meal. Endless cutting boards and washing and de-seeding and coring vegetables and then at the actual dinner it’s ignored completely
Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35? A: Because 36 would be too many.
Own happy ending, most of the time. And that sometimes, despite all your best choices and all your best intentions, fate wins anyway.'
Do not belittle your potential for Jannah
If as a community we are hesitant to visit doctors and resist open communication in group settings, how do we deal w our deepest issues?
"If we're meant to be together, we'd be together." - The Vow
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
My girlfriend treats me like God. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
What do you call a family of Jewish robots? The Cybergs
When my girlfriend and I decided to make it official, I told her: I have to tell you, before we met, I was... well...promiscuous. Oh cool she exclaimed. I love Greek mythology.
Why do white people rely on asians so much? Because without them, they'd just be cauc.
I don't think enough women know what day is International Women's Day. I guess they don't put enough posters up in the kitchens.
What do you call an emo a capella group? Self Harmony
People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it. I've never had a beef with one.
ME: So... you ever riddled a door? LOCKSMITH: What? ME: Like, there's a riddle, and if the person guesses the answer the door opens. LOCKSMITH: [Really loud] No that's crazy! *He silently ushers me into his truck and turns up the radio so we can have a private conversation*
"I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life, the way I feel when I'm with you." - Dirty dancing
We kiss in the doorway, she pulls me close, hoping I'll stay. Her face hardens as she feels all the cans of soup I stole and hid in my coat.
The difference in appearance between the two sides of aluminum foil is a result of the manufacturing process and serves no real purpose. Whether you're cooking food with the shiny side up or the dull side up, it doesn't matter.
I tell myself I'm nothing like my father but earlier today I incredulously muttered '$400 for a Nintendo?!?'
"I just try to get from sun up to sun down. That's as far into the future as I can handle and I've been fine with that."
"She has nobody. She needs someone to fight for her."
"It's not hard. It's painful, but not hard. You know what to do already. Because if you didn't, you wouldn't be in so much pain." - Bailey
Sex and food activate the same parts of the brain.
Happy October! Today is a great day to support Black TGNC people! Donate today to support: -Our International Grocery Fund -Our wellness spaces/events -The maintenance of our storage space where we house clothing and food donations. -Grant writing courses for our team.
How much do all the bones in the human body weigh? A Skele-Ton. corny
English and American spellings England: colour America: color England: humour America: humor England: flavour America: flavor England: What the hell are you doing? America: Getting rid of u
With gay marriage being legal now does that mean we don't have to call them butt buddies anymore? Good because that was a pain in the ass.
What do you call when a female physicist decides to try dating women for a change? The double slit experiment.
I signed up for my company's 401k, but I don't think I can run that far.
We are a tiny team of two Black women. Founder Ianne Fields Stewart is of trans experience. Co-Facilitator Nyla Adele is a Queer cis woman. Both are full time theatre artists and community organizers working in racial, gender, and food justice through a Black Queer feminist lens.
It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.
pomegranate juice destroys breast cancer cells while leaving healthy cells alone. It may also prevent breast cancer cells from forming
We think that mental health is important to minority communities 4 the same reasons as other communities include overall well-being MMH Chat
Sometimes you have to forget what happened, appreciate what remains, and have hope in what is next to come
What's the difference between Iceland and Ireland? A consonant.
I walked back into the house this morning and said, "I'm sorry for walking out on you. I love you and will never leave you again" My wife shouted down from upstairs, "Who the fuck are you talking to?" I said, "Erm... No one, I just forgot my Phone"
What does a catholic eat at the movies? Pope-Corn
But better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with. a lie
"I hurt easy, I just don't show it. You can hurt someone and not even know it." - Bob Dylan.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a rabbi walk into a bar And the rabbi says, "Hey, wait a minute... I think I'm in the wrong joke."
"You don't open up bras very often do you?" she asked me.... "No" I replied, "What gave it away?" "The scissors..."
EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I have finally created the greatest hunter of them all. *I place a very small bell on the cat's collar* EVOLUTION: No! Stop! You're ruining it!!!
The Royal Baby was born today. I bet there was a fight in the delivery room over which doctor got to yell "SHE'S CROWNING!!"
Last time when I was someone's type.. I was donating blood.
A Midget Walked Past Me On The Sidewalk Today Wearing A Shirt That Said "I Hate Black People" ...I thought to myself "Well damn- thats a little racist.
Damn girl, are you a 48-pack of frozen corn dogs? Because I thought it would last forever.
How do you call the social media that your grandmother uses? Instagran
I told my psychiatrist I felt like a dog. He told me to get off the couch.
Maybe it's been a min since you've heard this but... YOU MATTER. Don't forget it. ❤ï
I was flattered when I heard they made a movie all about my hair. It's called 50 shades of gray.
Weird situation based questions are great openers for approaching and starting conversations. Try asking where the train station is the next time you see a woman who catches your eye at the supermarket.
Happiness can always be found when you compare yourself to people who are less fortunate
"I can't help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine." - Justin Timberlake.
"We like to think we are fearless. Eager to explore unknown lands and soak up new experiences. But the fact is, we're terrified."
The term "Adam's apple" comes from an ancient belief that a piece of the forbidden fruit got stuck in his throat, resulting in a lump.
I asked the genie to make my teeth whiter. The bastard turned me into a coon.
Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She's not sick, I just think she could get better
'Imprisoned is he whose heart is imprisoned from Allah. Captured is he who is captured by his desires. ' - Ibn Taymiyyah
I sometimes personify inanimate objects. I wonder about the bashful new coffee cup in a shelf full of old timers. Or the sad sock worried about his partner who’s gone missing. That’s ok right?
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up... They'd be alloys.
We get it. You're Muslim. You don't have to Ramadan our throats.
Hope you have a great Birthday Rob!
I won the "Most Secretive Guy" award in our office today. I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
30 Kiss her passionately and hold her close
The only person you should work to be better than, is the person you were yesterday
"I think of you and everything's okay. And finally now, believing. And maybe it's true, that I can't live without you." - Boys Like Girls.
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
The bad news: 22 million people will lose health coverage under the Senate's plan. The good news: Karen Pence's 20,000 bees are covered.
In 2015, a man dressed as an armored truck driver deceived Walmart into giving him $75,000.
What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.
All this 'meant to be' stuff, why not believe it? Maybe it's just up to us to make it happen, to show up and be that for each other.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Snakes can't close their eyes, so they must sleep with their eyes open.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth. I have an uncle, once removed.
"Just promise me you'll think of me everytime you look up in the sky and see a star." - Eminem.
Due to the unique structure of puns, the left and right hemispheres of the brain must work together to understand them.
"Tomatoes have plenty of the mineral chromium, which helps diabetics to keep their blood sugar level under control"
ROOMMATE: You excited for Karaoke tonight? I angrily glare at him as I sip a mug of warm lemon water. He knows I need to rest my instrument.
The movie 'Napoleon Dynamite' only had a budget of $400,000. Jon Heder was initially paid $1,000 for his role as Napoleon.
My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
What does a lesbian couple do for fun while they're having their periods? Fingerpaint!
Making Asian food is easy... It's a WOK in the park
You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water? In Flint, they ask you, "Regular or Unleaded?"
You shouldn't bully someone in a wheelchair - they can't stand up for themselves.
Manager: "Why would you make a good waiter at my restaurant?" Me: 'I bring a lot to the table.'
Why is there cotton on top of the pills inside a pill bottle? To remind black people they picked cotton before they sold drugs.
After Lionel Royce, an actor in Nazi Germany, lost his job for being Jewish, he moved to the Alps, grew a beard, and bleached his hair. He then returned to the stage as "a self-taught peasant actor" and was praised by the Nazis as "proof of the superiority of Aryan blood."
"I swear you're giving me a heart attack." - Olly Murs.
happy monday all. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend...and that today is filled with dry mouth and regret because of it.
Women tend to be better at discerning shades of colors while men tend to be better at tracking fast-moving objects, and discerning detail from a distance. Researchers say these adaptations may possibly be linked to our hunter-gatherer past.
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. He fell.
The United States Mint doesn't use the word "penny." "Pennies" are British, and the term is merely a leftover from the era before America's independence.
despite common belief that frozen veg/fruits are unhealthy, freezing fruit & frozen vegetables locks in vitamins at the point of harvest
What's worse than a paper titty? A cardboard box
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late... ...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
"The mirror can lie. It doesn't show you what's inside." - Demi Lovato
PDA is a way of sending a message to other girls not to mess with their boyfriend because he is taken.
What's the most groundbreaking invention of all time? The shovel.
What happened to the turkey that got in a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Sometimes we have to remember that the most important history is the history we are making today.
60% of African American girls agree to giving me a blowjob I guess you could call it a 3/5's compromise
An old lady's beloved pair of pet rabbits died So she took them to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked her "would you like them mounted?" "No" she replied, "just holding hands."
I've just been on the Diabetes Awareness Website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question??
It was lovely to tweet with you East Coasters! You are hilarious and amazeballs. Will be updating quotes tomorrow, good night!
Is coming out as trans amorous a thing? I'm attracted to and have had sexual encounters with trans men, but I'm not looking to be applauded. I didn't do anything heroic. I just hooked up with a cute guy. Then again maybe it helps with visibility and destigmatization. I don't know
Where we live, we have the quietest neighbours. Then again, we do live next to a cemetery. ROFL
I once dated a girl with a twin People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and bob had a cock
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg? You get laid only once.
My wife is "like a plunger" when she gets drunk. She likes to bring up old shit.
The world's tallest, largest and oldest trees are all located in California.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction So I packed up my stuff and right
Hairdressers are not as good as they used to be. In the old days, barbers were that confident they had given you a good haircut, they would also sell condoms.
On average, taller people score higher on intelligence tests than shorter people.
"I never understood what love was really like, but I felt it for the first time looking in your eyes." - Loved You First.
Why does Beyonce say "To the left, to the left"? Because black people have no rights. sorry
How do Vikings send secret messages? Norse code.
As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.
The most exciting part of my day is when I scare myself by accidentally turning the garbage disposal on.
Fortune Nookie. Classic
I cannot believe that in this day and age that wearing underwear in the garden would offend so many people. Admittedly it wasn't my garden... or my underwear.
Book Recommendation from Dr. Harriette Wimms: Citizen by Claudia Rankine black minds matter trilogy of trauma trauma black children claudia rankine
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside? So he walks out the front door then comes back in and says: 'both'.
I'd rather be a samurai than a ninja. You can be a badass samurai well into your 50s, but your career as a ninja is over the minute you hit your mid 30s and your bones start cracking when you walk
The more you change for the better, keep taking chances and keep succeeding the more people will judge you. It's when people start criticizing you, that you know you're doing something worthwhile. Let their fears and rationalizations be your compass.
"There's no place like home." - Wizard Of Oz
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
Why wasn't Cinderella allowed to play soccer? Because she kept running away from the ball.
There's no perfect age of coming out. Whether you're 20 years old or 50 years old, it's all a matter of living in your truth.
You gotta hand it to short people because they can't reach it
Books, in all their variety, offer the human intellect the means whereby civilisation may be carried triumphantly forward ❤
Vitamin B protects the nervous system. During stress the body uses B vits. Vit B sources whole grains, oats, fish, meat, eggs, mushrooms
Keanu Reeves often cuts some of his movie paychecks so producers can bring on other respected actors. For 'The Devil's Advocate,' he cut his pay by a few million so they could afford Al Pacino, and did the same on 'The Replacements' for Gene Hackman.
Maybe I've never learned to commit But I'm here now, and I'm staying and I'm gonna fight to make sure you know I'm committed to this thing.
On one episode you discussed going to a sweat lodge. What would you recommend as a first-timer?Auntie Red Tweet Tea
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius... ...but his brother Frank was a monster.
My wife complained that my life revolving around social media has destroyed the way we communicate as a family... So I blocked her on my Facebook page.
Surround yourself with those people who bring out the best in you, not the stress in you
I don't believe in limits' is a less inspiring creed when shouted shirtless to a highway patrolman who's just pulled you over.
A falcon goes into a restaurant and runs into his ex-girlfriend thats on a date. The falcon says "well, this is Hawk-ward"
Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, but yet so few people are actually strong enough to hold it
This can even lead to mislabeling legitimate fear as anxiety by people who don 't understand the historical and current context of the black experience.
What do scientists and vegetables have in common? Stephen Hawking sorry
Morgan Freeman appeared in his first movie when he was 34-years-old. He got his first starring role when he was 52.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
I picked up a girl at a bar. She told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt... So I screwed her three times and hit her with a brick.
What do you call a Christian who visits shrines? A roamin' Catholic. ROFL
I spent 8 years in an institution. Then I got a divorce.
Like if i had information i could dismiss from my brain it would be this
As a Tennessean, it makes me sick that there are monuments standing in our state that celebrate racist historical figures who did evil things. Edward Carmack and Nathan Bedford Forrest were DESPICABLE figures in our state history and should be treated as such.
Happy Eid Al Adha to our Muslim fam! Black TGNC Muslims exist, and have always existed. We stand with you, always. Eid Mubarak
They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently I ruined that funeral.
There are about ten states with laws that prohibit registered sex offenders from handing out candy or having Halloween lawn decorations on October 31st.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
Dinosaurs existed before Saturn had rings.
Instead of 'Buyer beware,' how about 'Seller don't be a dick'?
I never thought I'd say this, but can we stop arguing about politics on Facebook and go back to trying to convince each other how great our lives are?
Why are fat babies born earlier? They are running out of womb.
"Avoid the most deepest, most painful regret of them all. The regret that comes from letting something amazing pass you by."
interviewer: i think that's it, do you have any questions for me me: do you think i could kick bob the builder's ass
"No matter how hard we work at it, some wounds might never fully heal. You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living."
That is what books are for, to travel without moving an inch." The Namesake 2007
This is the THIRD time I've found Jeff Goldblum in a box of Kellogg's Raisin Bran.
The most unrealistic part of action movies is where the hero puts his kids to bed and they go to sleep right away.
In 1967, Paul McCartney forgot his passport while flying to France to shoot a music video. When stopped by the agents, he said, "You know who I am, so why do you need to see a photograph of me in a passport?" He successfully got through customs.
I hate to get political on here, but if they're the Super Mario Bros, then isn't Mario their last name? So it's Mario Mario and Luigi Mario? Anyway, end farm subsidies.
How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They can shower in the dark.
I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have 'lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys.
My girlfriend asked if I was Happy to be fair, she always gets us dwarves confused
"You have to know when not to man up. Sometimes it takes a real man to set his ego aside, admit defeat, and simply start all over again.'
I've just written a script for a film I titled 'American Schools'. Shooting will probably start this week.
I'm trying to write a poem for my girlfriend, does anyone know what rhymes with threesome?
-TRANS LIVES MATTER -TRANS PEOPLE ARE NOT A BURDEN If you are queer and you have ever walked down the street and felt safe then you have trans people to thank for that!
me: [rushing to a flipped over car] oh my god are you okay white girl: save-[cough] save the ukelele
An alligator decided to have unprotected sex. Now he has Gatorades.
A half hour visit from my 2 toddlers will do more damage to your house than inviting over 35 drunk strangers.
Watching sports desk, a pro sports team signed a player for barely a million dollars a season Me: hah, what a loser Also me: eating macaroni and cheese because meat is too expensive
What do you call black men working while white men watch? The NBA
"Best friends. Ex-friends till the end. Better off as lovers. And not the other way around." - Fall Out Boy.
When a woman says... "we need to talk" Why is it never about football?
My wife is like a treasure You'll need an accurate map and a fucking shovel to find her.
If I started a band called 'Ceiling'... Would that make people who enjoy my music 'Ceiling fans?'
It's been proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop tits around the age of 13, boys around the age of 40
Why do people think memory foam is so great? It forgets what you look like after like 10 seconds. That's almost as bad as a goldfish
The world's biggest landowner is Queen Elizabeth II, who legally owns about 16.6% of the Earth's land surface area. She's the only person on Earth who owns multiple countries.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
Trying to binge-watch all of the Geico commercials. I'm up to season 117.
My girlfriend just said, "Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I've packed your bags." I think she's kicking meeeowt.
They have Equestrian in the summer olympics. I'd like to see some events with horses during the Winter Olympics. Horses on skis, horses on ice skates, the 2 horse luge.
Forget those who forget you.
Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the Y becomes silent.
Since the word "brink" gets a raw deal, I'm going to use it in a positive way: I am on the brink of eating a nice fruit salad.
Muslim woman, 19, wearing a hijab says Starbucks barista wrote 'ISIS' on her cup. She was so disgusted, she dropped her backpack and stormed out.
The Okra Project is considering fiscal sponsorship and researching potential options. We are not a non-profit and do not want to be, however fiscal sponsorship from a non-profit org could open doors for us. Who are your favorite fiscal sponsorship orgs?
I don't mean to brag about how awesome I am at satisfying my wife, but I unloaded the dishwasher twice today.
*Party at M.C Escher's house* ME: Where's the bathroom? ESCHER: [giggling and glancing at his more established friends] Top of the stairs.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, "you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND." Cause he needs to know I'm angry, yet progressive.
"Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful? Will you still love me when I have nothing but my aching soul?" - Lana Del Rey
I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS... THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.
My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to crash in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free... This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter... Which sucks because he had a great fall
I'm leaving for two week and willl not have any internet service. Get me too 1000 followers by the next two weeks and ill save relationships
Car dealership: Check out our employee pricing on these cars Me (looking at price): Wow, seems like your employees are getting ripped off
Don't worry everyone...this song will be stuck in ur head 4 the next week. Seriously 200thEpisode
Following L. Ron Hubbard's death, the Church of Scientology stated that his body had become an impediment to his work and that he purposely abandoned it to continue his work on another planet.
In Ancient Rome, the working class would evacuate entire cities in acts of revolt called "Secessions of the Plebeians." After leaving the elite to fend for themselves, commercial transactions would stop, and workshops would have to close.
Why does all Turkish men have a mustache? because they wanna look like their mother.
In the first few days after birth, some whales can be the size of a 19 year-old anorexic girl. Which is always a fun fact to tell them.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with "Sorry, I'm driving." It's been a few days. I'm guessing he's probably made it to Mexico by now.
How does a woman go about inventing something? She gives birth to a boy.
Misspell one word and the whole text is urined
A boring but real question! I have to take my written drivers test, what is the best online site to study for it?
Did you hear that AIDS isn't spread by a virus? Yeah! It's spread by a fungi!!
Speak the truth even if it be against yourself
What do you call a cow with no sense of humor ? A feminist
Why do so many gay men have mustaches? To hide the stretch marks.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(
i like it when restaurants put a toothpick in their sandwiches because then i know it's dead
These are just a few ways we are impacting our community, and we have big plans for more. Most recently, we've begun making connections with Black spiritual leaders to address the needs of Black Trans folx in various faith communities. We will be unveiling Faith By Okra very soon!
If you are a masculine queer person who has questions or comments about this topic or simply want your aunties and uncle to give YOU advice around love, life and the complicated DM or email us. Ya Gay Aunties is a weekly podcast with Real Talk about Queer Adulting ' lgbtq
What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror? Halloumi.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren't a good way to describe emotions
Don't be afraid to be a little weird. It keeps shit Interesting
Did you hear about the girl who hid drugs in her bra ? People said it led to a bigger bust.
Alcoholism doesn't run in my family, but workoholism does... that's why I try to avoid work as much as possible so I don't get addicted.
What is wifey material to you?
so, let us know... boxers or briefs? 🤤 National Underwear Day
Added the gofundme to this thread. Help out if ya can!
Fellas: If you can't even plan a date you have no business trying to tell a woman how to plan her life.
Fellas: If you make her feel wanted, appreciated, and needed you will have her undivided attention.
Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.
Look, this is the only body I'll ever have and that is why I'm covering it in a thick layer of fat to protect it.
It's so hard to say it but I've been here before, Now I'll surrender up my heart and swap it for yours. - Ed Sheeran.
Just found out Empire Strikes Back was released 40 years ago today. And...I’m officially ancient.
We are about to get to the bottom of this Alexis and India drama!!!!
Humans are hard-wired to prefer even numbers because odd numbers are harder for our brains to process. That's why leaving the television volume on an odd number can be difficult, among other things.
Kim Petras on Sept 30th: woo ah! Kim Petras on Oct 1st: boo ah!
Phones are so expensive nowadays when you fall and hear a crack you hope it's your leg.
I want the new i Phone 11, I don’t want to be on a waitlist, is this an eBay type situation, help me people
Hurricane Laura has intensified to near Category 5. Hours from now, it will become one of the strongest hurricanes to strike the continental U.S. If sustained wind speeds remain at 150 mph, Laura will be one of nine hurricanes to land with a wind strength of 150+ mph since 1851.
The thing about getting the girl you want is that it's mostly about working on things not directly related to dating and relationships. Things like your inner game and outer success. Not so much approaching and conversations.
Me: (opening bottle of coke) I love you Coca-Cola. You're not like my wife, you don't tell me to be quiet Bottle of Coke: Shhhhhh Me: Oh no
Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung. Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife
Why is the hipster sweating? Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.
On a daily basis some young gay guys get HIV treatment and live healthier lives. They take care of their health and never let HIV defeat them. What are you waiting for, what's there to fear when we are here to help? Get tested, Get treatment. HIV isn't a death sentence.
Good day. If you are reading this do know it's a gift to be alive. These are pressing times but you gotta get up and try. Don't panic.
"I spend my days making myself smaller, more acceptable."
"Just one day, If I can be with you." - BTS.
when she tells you she is worried about something, pay attention to her. Don't just brush it off.
I'M NOT DOING YOUR JOB FOR YOU!' ~me yelling at the lead singer of a band when he points the mic at the audience
At McDonalds Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn't be feeding them this crap
They say the Verizon guy switched to Sprint but if you watch the commercial he mouths the words: 'Verizon, I'm sorry, they have my family.'
bell peppers r rich in vit. C & vit A. Bell peppers neutralize free radicals and are rich in antioxidants. health vitamins food diet
Q: What county in Ireland hates "South Park?" A: Killkenny.
A disadvantage of being gay is that you never get to see the grateful stare of a women you've just released.
"A little self awareness never hurt anybody. When you know who you are, it's easier to know what you're about and what you really need."
September is the most birthday-packed month in the U.S. September 9, 19, and 12 are the most common birthdays, respectively.
What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland? "Everyone got seat belts on back there?"
My uncle was crushed by a piano.... His funeral was very low key.
Life is not a spectator sport. Win, lose, or draw, the game is in progress... whether we want it to be or not.
My sex change from male to female went really well. It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the fucking hospital car park!
Why do fish always sing off key? You can't tuna fish.
Fuck the Japanese. The only yellow people I trust are the Simpsons.
What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion? A corpse.
Use "Actimist Eye Spray" from Optrex. Spray it on your eyes after reading/computer, it'll gives u instant relief from eye stress eyes
studies show that exercise decreases the incidence of developing Diabetes by 58% even better than medication.
My daughter lost her first tooth today I bet she won't touch my video games again!
What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler.
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.
I get the king having his men try to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, but he also had all his horses working on it too. What kind of drunk king is this? Horses are terrible at arts and crafts.
An Indian diabetic wasn't following his diet... You could say that he was naan-compliant.
Betty White holds the record for longest television career of any female or male entertainer.
What's the fastest way to massacre snails? A salt rifle
Eid celebrations to go virtual as US Muslims urged to stay at home. They'll have to make do with a hit-and-run rampage on GTA 5 this year.
It's not happy people who are thankful, its thankful people who are happy
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication It's for Hispanic attacks
Don't ask her questions that convey your lack of confidence. Don't ask 'Should we sit here?'. Instead say 'Come on. Let's sit here." Instant leadership and attraction.
Should I drop a new video today or wait til Monday !???????!!??!!!
My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy. At least that's what she said in her diary.
I've been flirting with a colleague at work only for him to express interest in me. I felt so shy afterwards that I barely talk to him at work. We're both HR professionals but seems our meetings are becoming tensed. I love him so much just as he does. Pls advice- Copied.
Video games are for kids.
Ultimately, the safety and prosperity of Black queer folx here, and abroad remain paramount during a most radical year. As support for our movement pours in from all over the globe, we'd like to affirm: We See You! We Hear You! We FEED You! Thank you! -The Okra Project Team
The secret to a good BLT (Big Laugh Tweet) is misdirectionnaise.
Boa was robbed on the design episode!!!!!!!!
When I cook, I only use the freshest herbs and vegetables to f*** up the recipe.
I love raising caterpillars as pets. It always gives me butterflies.
Women are like condoms They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Stove Top Stuffing is my favorite side-dish that sounds like a Midwestern porn video.
Nobody makes me laugh like my brother @murrman5 Happy birthday, bud!!!
Farting can help reduce high blood pressure and is good for your overall health.
AAA times in the 100 fly for 12 yr olds Jourie Wilson 1:03:85 and Harisen Davis 1:04:70. black kids swim NBHCSM 14 black kids swimcary2016
A man in Florida used a cell phone jammer on his way to work every day because he didn't want drivers around him to be distracted by their phones. He was fined $48,000 by the FCC when he was caught.
I sat next to a fat girl on the train today and I said... "You're a big girl!" She replied... "Tell me something I don't know." I said... "Salad tastes nice"
The secret to successfully keeping up with the Joneses is to know a family of Joneses who are broke losers
40% of American adults believe that the world is roughly 10,000 years old.
If I'd been around in France when Marie Antoinette said "let them eat cake," I would've been like "wait a minute, let's hear this lady out."
I feel bad for Kim-Jong Un It's hard being the fat kid in high school, so it must be really difficult being the only fat kid in the country.
"You're gonna see the things that I see, you're gonna want the air that I breathe, you're gonna wish you never left me." -One Direction.
A buddy said to me, "Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?" I said, "Go on, then." He shouted, "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" I said, "That's Superman." He said, "Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot."
Happy Birthday!
My wife and I are just going to have a quiet night at home for New Year's Eve. Translation: My wife and I didn't get invited to any parties for New Year's Eve.
Every expert was at one time a beginner
When Marie Curie ran out of radium for her studies in 1921, American women organized a fundraising campaign that generated $100,000 for her to buy more.
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees. They're being used in a sting operation.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don't Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
Me: What are my chances doc? Doctor: The surgery is fairly routine, but there's a catch -- you won't be able to drink alcohol for a full year. Me: Let me die.
Tell people you have a peanut allergy so that when you get tired of talking to them you can eat some peanuts and pretend to be dead
The issue is complex, but one thing is clear. It 's better to understand and have awareness than not.
Wife: "Can you pick up milk?" Me: lifts gallon "Yeah, it's easy." Wife: "I mean from the store." Me: "I think it weighs the same there too"
Where did Santa meet his wife? Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses
Send me the best, softest chocolate chip cookie recipe you use!
What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a pedophile? Alien vs Predator
Have been inspired by your "owe no man nothing but love" mantra for years. Not there yet, but on my way. Looking forward to following u.
[first date] Her: I like older men who are youthful in the bedroom. Me: (trying to impress) I'm almost 40 and my favorite position in bed is the fetal position.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Sometimes if I wanna get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with "I'm not racist, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." And they say, "that wasn't racist at all." And I say, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."
Coca-Cola sold 25 bottles in its first year. The company currently sells 1.8 billion bottles a day. On average, more than 10,000 Coca-Cola soft drinks are consumed worldwide every second.
why do JEWS have big noses ? air is free
When is the question also the answer? "Who gives a fuck?"
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things interviewer: like what? me: time and care interviewer: oh haha me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Tell me more about these male enhancement pills... Will they help me chop wood better? How about pelts? Will I know how to make pelts?
What do call forty lesbians in a tree A CUNTREE
Neil deGrasse Tyson: The effects of altering the Space-time continuum are unknowable. Me: I hate watching 'It's A Wonderful Life' with you.
As an Queer parent, what's the best way to come out to your teenage children? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts
What's the difference between America and yoghurt? If you leave yoghurt alone for long enough it develops its own culture
Ketchup delivers about 180 mg of lycopene. lycopene found in ketchup is easily absorbed into the body, resulting in quicker health benefits
What do you call a T-Rex with a bomb strapped to it's chest? Dinomite.
I don't dye my hair because I want to look younger... I do it because my grey hair gives the false impression I have maturity and wisdom, and I don't like lying to people.
My favorite thing to do on Halloween is walk through the burn unit at the hospital and congratulate everyone on their Freddy Kruger costumes.
me: usain bolt's olympic records are an inspiration to black kids everywhere guy: why do we have to make it about race me: because he runs really fast
Change is constant. How we experience change, that's up to us. It can feel like death, or it can feel like a second chance at life."
Why is the number of black priests so small? Most of them run away after being called father once or twice
Reading a Chinese newspaper is like looking at 1,000 douchebag tattoos at once.
Woke up feeling super cute. Maybe I'll take some selfies. Idk. Bleh. I'm so corky. Teehee.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Good afternoon everyone! What mental health topic do you want to see more about on BMHN? Providers? Depression? Anxiety? Trauma? Suicide?
Black trans folx, elders, those of varied non-binary expression, and allies from far and wide across the community we need YOU! This march was put together in less than a week. Okra is steadfast in our politics, mission statement, and goals.
What's the difference between a Mexican and a bench? The bench can support a family of four.
Social media and isolation combine to make a 'perfect storm' for radicalization. Disaffected individuals who feel powerless are most likely to embrace extremist ideas. At the same time, social media platforms create a cycle of reinforcement through which they're amplified.
When you do something out of real love, you never count the cost.
Why was the math teacher late for school? He took the rhombus
I wish I could see what it was like to be fat for just one day. I'm tired of being fat every day.
Looking for black queer designers in NYC.
herman melville: i've finally finished my novel, moby penis editor: can we talk about the title herman melville: it's now moby dick and if i hear one more word it will be moby cock
I asked my girlfriend to buy me some Japanese food. ... sushi did.
The event is from 10am-6pm
New Links Added: NPR - Extreme Racism and Mental Illness, NYT - Spanking a Black and White Issue. New forums too!
Pray like there's no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, pray some more
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I never thought I'd say "I love you" to another man, but it just kinda came out when the guy at the drive through window handed me my food.
Asian friends, what’s the best brand of frozen pot stickers! If you find this racially reductive I have no problem recommending good frozen samosas!
Did you hear about the newly sponsored gay NASCAR team? Its always in the rear of the field.
"Under the lights tonight. You turned around, and you stole my heart."
Some owls have been known to keep little snakes as pets.
I got in last night and asked the wife what was for dinner. "Chinese" she said. "Ok" I replied, bowing. "Harrow pretty raydy. Preese ret me know what we eat tonigh?"
Thinking about the value of property gave him the idea of a game where players managed the life of a suburban household. "The Sims" is one of the best-selling video game series of all time.
People come and go in your life, but the right ones will always stay.
My wife said she saw a bowtie made from solid mahogany. She said she nearly bought it for me but she didn't think I would wear it. I replied "Wooden tie?"
Hey all you "FanFic" writers out there...that look into the camera wasn't scripted. Just sayin. Wink Wink 200thEpisode
Why do black people put their garbage in clear trash bags? So the Mexicans can window shop.
I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote." Jokes in them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.
The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband. They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.
Mocked for being dyslexic? Been there, done that, got the tree shit.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal. China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
We're closer in time to when Tyrannosaurus Rex walked the Earth than T. rex was to Stegosaurus. Stegosaurus went extinct roughly 80-90 million years before the appearance of Tyrannosaurus.
I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps. But I'm slowly getting over it.
Movie score composer Hans Zimmer had a personal connection to "The Lion King" while scoring the film. He lost his dad at a young age and said, "Suddenly, I am writing a requiem for my father..." The score earned him an Oscar for best music.
Call you mother again today. She'll really appreciate it.
Double standards are the worst. I mean, if a girl sleeps with lots of guys, she's considered a slut. But when a guy does it, he's considered a homosexual.
The Peanuts Halloween special is adorable, right up until the point when the Great Pumpkin orders Linus to kill.
To my friends who are celebrating L'shanah tovah!
Live every day as if it's your last, cause it just might be
What do Irish feminists call men? O'Pressors
When I was little, my parents always fed me alphabet soup, claiming that I liked it, but they were just... ...putting words in my mouth.
Heart is breaking for the people of Mogadishu. God be with them. Please pray that this violence ends. Pray For Mogadishu
"I used to think that I was better alone." - Rock Me.
me: [waking up] what happened doctor: i'm so sorry, you've been in a coma since 2006 me: [crying tears of joy] you mean doctor: that's right there are only 2 shrek movies
There's a German shepherd next door who keeps burying under my fence and shitting in the flower bed His dog is just as bad
Fruit roll ups I went to the supermarket and asked a clerk if they had fruit roll ups, he then called his gay manager to hug me.
"Does it ever drive you crazy just how fast the night changes?' - One Direction.
My wife said last night: "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game." Unfortunately, this cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
The last door of a really good Advent calendar holds insulin.
To all of our service members, we are so grateful for you. ♥️ We can never repay the debt we owe.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I threw a party for people who can't ejaculate. Nobody came.
BREAKING NEWS: "Man eaten by shark on honeymoon" Lucky escape if you ask me...
"There's constant changes. It can be a painful process, but without it you'll find yourself moving backwards instead of forwards."
The state of Texas has more than 500 ghost towns, the most in the country.
Phylicia Rashad, best known for playing Claire Huxtable on "The Cosby Show," was one of Chadwick Boseman's teachers in the acting classes he took at Howard University. Chadwick said that Phylicia was his "acting mom."
"Every time you smile, I smile and every time you shine, I'll shine for you" - Taylor Swift
me: person with hazel eyes: ya they change color throughout the year but right now they're hazel
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods. But it's harder to deter gents.
I met a feminist in the bar, and she told me about the Dwayne Johnson rule. I should only say things to her that I would be comfortable saying to Dwayne Johnson. That sounded like a good rule, so I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."
How do Jews fight? With JewJitsu
Got the best compliment from my doctor today He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
Girls: Communicate directly so that you make sure that everything is perfectly understood.. No beating around the bush..
Your mama's so fat We are all genuinely concerned about her health.
How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? Easy, one will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
Love is long-suffering and kind. It does not envy; does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, endures all things. Are you in love?
I started reading that Norwegian Air is ending all flights to Ireland but the headline was becoming so white I had to stop reading from the glare.
Bad ventilation in your bedroom at night can result in increased carbon dioxide and is associated with poor sleep, headaches, and a decline in cognitive performance the next day.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage? me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they'd have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Why do Indians hate snow? It's white and it's on their land.
"Tea contains a calming amino acid called theanine which helps reduce 'the jitters' and keeps the mind relaxed and focused" calm tea
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint. He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.
What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer? One sells watches while the other watches cells.
Tongue cleaning is by far the most effective way of combating bad breath. Use a tongue scraper to clean your tongue bad breath
"Can't ever get it right no matter how hard I try and I've tried.' - Tell Me A Lie.
 Paddy's wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.On arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?"To which paddy relies,"Oh Jaysus we"re both over the fucking moon!!
In many U.S. States offenders receive a harsher penalty for hitting a dog than they do for hitting a woman. That's outrageous either way you're slapping a bitch
As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five...but he left me hanging.
How long does it take for a black woman to poop? Nine months.
Lying is a poison for the heart
I was walking down the street in New York when a black man came up to me and asked, "Did the Yankees win?" I said, "Yeah dude, you're free!"
The other day my dad said 'I love you like a son' which, once you run it through the dad emotional de-encryption machine, is actually pretty nice.
Mob Boss: I just found out someone in our crew is an undercover cop. He's not even really Italian Vito Spaghetti: mama mia no way
My Vietnamese friends just got married. They have the same common last name, so neither of them needed to change anything. You could say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.
I don't need to buy anything on Black Friday, I just want to get in a fistfight at Bed Bath and Beyond to feel alive.
"people w/ thyroid problems may need to avoid peanuts which contain goitrogens a substance that interferes w/ the functioning of thyroid"
If you place an egg in cold water and it floats, don't eat it; it's spoiled. Fresh eggs sink while rotten eggs float.
I read conversations and posts from gay pals on Twitter and all I pick are petty fights, gossips, insinuations, negative vibes and drama! What happened to maturity? Let's get real and serious, dear bros.
So a woman shot up Youtube Headquarters, fired 20 shots and only injured 4 people.... ....looks like mass shootings are another thing to add to the list of things that men are better than women at.
When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.... I was shocked.
I throw up whenever i hear a joke. It's a gag reflex.
Together not only can we build safer individual campuses, but we can build a healthier society. Tobacco Free HBCU make smoking history
A homeless lady agreed to let me take her home I don't understand why she got pissed when I loaded the cardboard box in my pickup truck.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common? The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.
Congratulations to our partner, Aidil Hill at YES! for being featured as member spotlight at the Helen Network. Keep up the good work!
If you don't practice what you preach, that doesn't make you a hypocrite, as long as what you preach is hypocrisy.
They are re-releasing Avengers: Endgame with extra footage of Disney executives swimming in money.
Looking to improve your time management skills? Falling down the stairs is a lot faster than walking down them, saving you precious seconds every trip (literally).
Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears.
Twitter is now 99% super angry people. That's all you see is angry people. I liked it a lot better ten years ago when only 97% of the people on here were angry.
Did you hear about the depressed plumber? He's been going through some shit
I know all the days of the week are supposed to seem the same under quarantine, but somehow Saturday and Sunday still feel like the weekend to me. And I hate weekends.
When a group of hermit crabs finds an empty shell, they form a line from smallest to largest. When they find the crab that fits into the shell, each crab that follows gets to move up a size, as well.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves... ...but I don't like to point fingers.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? One stops sucking when you slap it and the other is a blonde.
A German man and woman are having sex, and an American walks in... The American shouts "Gross!" and turns away. The German man looks toward him and smiles, saying "Danke!"
When the waiter comes around to ask if I have any questions about the menu, my favorite one to ask is "what kind of paper is it made from?"
Kayaking reduces stress. Watching ur boat move through the water, under the sky, amongst the greens, by ur own effort is relaxing kayaking
Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market. Oh the irony.
In 2017, police in the German city of Frankfurt found car belonging to a 76-year-old man who had forgotten where he parked it... 20 years earlier.
My mom recently bought a Jesus shaped flashlight When I asked her why she said: So whenever someone says "I can't see" I can be like "here, let Jesus light the path"
"Just when you've gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts and knocks you off your feet."
You might be a redneck if someone shouts hoedown and your girlfriend hits the floor.
Wife: Do that sexy thing I like Me: *pays for dinner with a coupon and saves money*
I'm not saying your mom is fat but she'd be worth a lot more in the UK
My wife and I stopped taking vacations after we had kids. Now we take expensive nightmares.
Haters need drama like it's oxygen. Stay positive and you will always take their breath away!
What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet? Egyptian dummies.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common? One dumbass who never pulls out in time
Am I wrong for thinking that we could be something for real?' - Envy.
James Michael Tyler got the role of Gunther, the barista in Friends because he was the only extra who actually knew how to use a cappuccino machine. He would go on to play the character in 148 of the show's 236 episodes, and he still receives residuals from his work on the show.
Why there are so many avenues in France? Because german soldiers like to march in the shade
How do Mexican dogs say "hello" when in Japan? Konnichihuahua
Me: I know you from somewhere Jesus: I get that a lot Me: no I'm sure Jesus: just one of those faces Me: [holding arms out] go like this
What did the Mexican princess ask her sister? Tijuana build a snowman?
Norway has the largest wealth fund in the world, valued at $1 trillion. They spend no more than 3% of its value of each year, to conserve for future generations.
I’m honor of my bday, drop your favorite one of my lip syncs below:
"You're careless with your life. You're not slitting your wrists but you're careless."
inventor of glass: let's make one thing clear
columbus: is this india native american: you're india wrong place lol columbus: haha native american: for real tho
I make major decisions about career, life, finances, etc. on a daily basis, but become completely paralyzed choosing where to eat lunch.
What do you call a Mexican dessert that won't sink? Flanboyant
If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
Chew each bite 12 times. This prevents overeating by giving your stomach time to realize what you have eaten weight loss
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we killed the only one with a dream.
Steve Irwin named his daughter, Bindi Irwin, after one of his favorite crocodiles at Australia Zoo.
"a flavanoid called phloridzin found only in apples may protect postmenopausal women from osteoporosis & may also increase bone density"
Anyone between 55 and 80 and a significant history of smoking should be screened for lung cancer - and its covered by Obamacare!
"I don't care what they say. I'm in love with you" - Leona Lewis.
What's a fundamentalist Christian's favorite type of car? A convertible.
Life is like soccer because my mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I hate fucking soccer.
"My love for you was bulletproof but you're the one who shot me." - Pierce The Veil.
Sand is the second-most widely used natural resource in the world, after freshwater.
Being in isolation with a homophobic family is a nightmare many gay men in Africa experience. With no one to talk to, no alternative choice, these men suffer a new wave of mental illness that distorts their true identity.
"Your brain is 90% made up of water, thus drinking water helps you think better, be more alert and more concentrated" water brain
At the peak of his power, Pablo Escobar brought in an estimated $420 million in revenue... Every week.
What have you done for YOU lately that has made your life better ?
"My wife is an angel" "You're lucky pal, my one is still alive"
The real American holiday is July 5th when you can buy a flag at Walmart for 50% off.
bad choices obsessing over a celebrity more than you obsess about your own partner
The most commonly spoken phrase this week in all homes - "Do you have the Scotch tape?'
What happens when you eat beans with onions? Tear gas!
Being in a relationship is a full time job. Dare not apply if you know you can't commit.
Husband: "Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?" Wife: "Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce Shall we go out and have a cake'!"
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun ME: This couch has such great lumber support WIFE: See?? THERAPIST: Try to stop ME: Oakey dokey
[blind date] "I'm like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex" -did you just read that off your hand? "Hey! You're not blind!"
What do you call a rude German? A Deutsch bag
I made a company that disguises land mines as prayer mats... Prophets are through the roof
Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us of where we've been and what we've overcome.
Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand? So she could moan with the other.
To honor Nina Pop, Tony Mc Dade, and the many Black Trans people who been murdered by state-sanctioned violence, The Okra Project is dedicating $15,000 to create the Nina Pop Mental Health Recovery Fund and the Tony McDade Mental Health Recovery Fund. [THREAD]
What did the disco ball say to the depressed toilet? Don't be a party pooper!
Katheryn Hudson delivered some bops this time around. Cry About It Later, Teary Eyes, and Tucked are current faves.
"I'm seeing the pain, seeing the pleasure, Nobody but you, 'body but me, 'body but us. Bodies together." - Zayn Malik
Why are people with no legs terrible at trivia? They're always stumped
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat? She can fit into your wife's clothes
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.
Girl are you a loan offered by a furniture store? Cause you've been giving me zero interest for 3 years
Thank you for all the wonderful bday love yesterday!! It was filled with 2 boys, trucks and dinosaurs. A good day for sure!
What do u call a greedy lesbian? Bush hog.
Elizabeth Taylor wanted to be late for her own funeral. So they had the coffin arrive 15 minutes after the announced start time.
The show 'To Catch a Predator' was canceled in part because a Texas District Attorney was caught exchanging photos with someone posing as a 13-year-old boy. The man shot himself as police and an NBC camera crew entered his home.
What did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back? Wheeeeeee!
A guy asks his girlfriend make him feel awesome and sad at the same time Girlfriend: Out of all your friends you have the biggest penis
This is Dr. Sarah Vinson, psychiatrist and executive editor of Ourselves Black Magazine, a culturally tailored online and print product that focuses on black mental health broadly defined
My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk" at breakfast. I accidentally said: "Fuck you Ann you ruined my fucking life"
when she says to go do something, don't really go and do it
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff!
"She walks in and the room just lights up, but she don't want anyone to know That I'm the only 1 that gets to take her home' -She's not afraid
Why are most male squirrels gay? Cuz they love nuts!
Need a gift for the man who has everything? Try giving him a Scornful Look.
massaging the face with an ice cube made of chamomile tea can help close pores and make your skin glow ! Use one ice cube each day skin
*Doctor finishes the exam* "I have bad news. If you box again it will kill you" "I'm so mad I could pun-" *Doctor looks over his glasses*
If three men are arguing about whether to be known as Jews, Israelis, or Hebrews... ...would you say they're just arguing Semitics?
Lord help me remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you and I together can't handle.' Amen
Turn your wounds into wisdom.
If your name is Pi, and your mom is standing at the top of the stairs yelling '3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286‚ you're about to get in some trouble.
I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.
Slow down aging & wrinkles with salmon which is high in astaxanthin, a carotenoid that improves skin elasticity wrinkles health aging
Nice requests. Thanks! I’ll do m’best.
Special thanks to those audience members for letting us spray them with purple goo. Y'all are heroes. 200thEpisode
That blood donor clinic only wants you to donate plasma so they can make TVs out of it.
Health education tends to be better received by people who have more overall education. MMH Mchat
The spoon type hug.His body close to yours,your butt touching his intimate part,this is the proof that he has a very high sexual appetite
Don't ever break a women's heart, they've only got one. Break their fucking bones they've got over 200 of those.
After God created us all, He said to creation: " It is good". Fat, slim, muscular, pot bellied, we ALL are good in God's eyes. Never conform to the world's definition of beauty. Or else you will suffer depression and inferiority complex.
Create emotion in your conversations with women through the use of stories and using plenty of emotional words. Let your story and words bring out her feelings and interest.
Joseph confronts Mary... Joseph: "Mary, I've heard you've been prostituting your body through the town!" Mary: "Don't worry, Joseph. I was just trying to make a little prophet."
I think my wife has a habit of walking in her sleep Every morning I find her sleeping in someone else's bed.
My horse has insomnia and keeps everyone awake. She's a nightmare.
Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, has become the first person ever to have a net worth over $200 billion.
A tongue scraper with rubber edges is the best to get rid of bad breath. I love Wisdom Tongue Cleaner brand. Or try to find 1 made of rubber
Why did the man commit suicide? To get to the other side
Sergeant: "Smith! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!" Private Smith: "Thank you, Sir!"
My girlfriend isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. .I'm not sure how. I didn't even know it was her birthday.
Waking up confused on Sunday morning in my 20s: What happened last night? I must've passed out after drinking too much and again. Waking up confused on Sunday morning in my 40s: What happened last night? I must've passed out while watching infomercials on TV again.
Never regret! If it was good... it's a memory, If it was bad... it's an experience.
Many Scandinavian parents are so adamant about giving their infants fresh air every day that they let them take naps outside, even in freezing weather. Parents report that babies take longer and deeper naps when they sleep comfortably bundled up outside in the cold.
"A dream is a wish your heart makes." - Cinderella
Haha...ad libs, ad libs. Love when they leave those in the show.
Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.
I figured out why there are so many masturbation-related injuries that's when all the guardian angels cover their eyes
Wow, at first I thought this Dennis Quaid thing had to be a mistake and they were talking about Randy Quaid, but nope, I guess the whole family's a little funny.
What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his Girlfriend? Wipe his ass.
I've finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil
I'm not saying my last girlfriend was a bit of a slut.... But, when I first met her, she had a higher sperm count than me.
My girlfriend decided to quit her job at the yogurt company The truth his, she never really liked the culture
What are ways we can address toxic masculinity amongst studs? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
I asked my pilot if he'd be okay having sex with me on our flight. He replied "I don't give a flying fuck."
My buddy Kirk was the waiter...can anyone spot the real blood pouring out of his head behind his ear? Took one for the team! Thanks again!
What do a coffee shop and a Japanese castle siege have in common? Baristas
Why did the lady with multiple personality disorder share her food with a friend? Because Sharon is Karen.
Ashley O is the pop girl us gays DESERVE
Never expect. Never assume. Never ask. Never demand. Just let it be. If it's meant to be, it will happen.
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay. I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
Why can't lesbians have sex at concerts? Because rock beats scissors.
wife: [crying] "he always calls me weird pet names" therapist: "what do you mean?" me: [arriving late] "what's wrong my little hovercraft?"
Innovation is everything, nothing remains the same for long. We either adapt to change or we get left behind.
i don't think women should stay in the kitchen... i mean, how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house from there?
Mammals evolved before flowering plants.
what's the best queer film of all time?
When my coffee gets cold, I like to warm it up for 20 seconds and then forget it in the microwave.
My wife has so many shoes the bedroom looks like the outside of a mosque.
Cosmically speaking, Saturn's rings are a brief event. We're roughly halfway through their 200-million-year lifespan and lucky to exist at a time where we can see them.
It takes patience to be single and patience to be married
True Crime Podcast Idea: 'The Husband Didn't Do It'. It will be 2 episodes.
Me feeling overwhelmingly sad: *goes off somewhere to be alone and cry* Me feeling overwhelmingly happy: *goes off somewhere to be alone and cry* Feelings are confusing
The sentence "Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs" uses every letter in the English alphabet.
Carrot juice is very rich in beta-carotene antioxidant and it prevents cell "degeneration". So the aging process is also slowed down
Always appreciate the strength in you.
Damona Hoffman is a dating expert and host of two TV shows. Today we discuss interracial dating, the pros and cons of limiting yourself to dating only a certain race or religion, and the challenge of expanding one's cultural views and ultimately finding the right person for you.
Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody and was sad to think that Freddie Mercury died of AIDS just before it became treatable. I then watched Rocketman and was sad to think that AIDS is now treatable.
We would like to remind you that registration for the Forum:Mental Health Status of Black America hosted by Black Psychiatrists of America..
How many people in denial does it take to change a light bulb? There is nothing wrong with the light bulb!
Is it still called showing up fashionably late if you're wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt with a spaghetti stain on it?
"I have to walk away from you, for me."
Thank you for joining us tonight. If you have any questions or concerns, please DM us or use the hashtag. Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Two deer walk out of a gay bar... One of them turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there"
Dating app profiles should have a box for Registered to Vote: Yes/No
Going to Starbucks is nice because its a social place I can go when I dont want alcohol but still want to spend 7 bucks on a drink.
Why are Mormons more like Muslims than they are like Christians? Christians are not-for-prophet organizations.
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: 'Well? Are you still coughing?' The patient replies: 'No. I'm afraid to.'
A good way to forget your troubles is to help others out of theirs.
Sonia Purnell vividly recounts the story of Virginia Hall: the spy who played a pivotal role in helping the Allies win WWII
The animator's on Disney's "Snow White" had trouble making her cheeks red without her looking like a clown; until a female staff member from production suggested they use real blush on the animation cells. Snow White is wearing real makeup in every scene.
What would Captain America be called if he fought in Vietnam? You weren't there man
Where do fat people live? Obe-city
It's a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 40 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering
Peace is not the absence of war, but Peace is a feeling that can only come from remembering your Lord
Nintendo's character "Mario" was named after Mario Segale, the company's landlord in 1981. The only statement he made publicly about it was "I'm still waiting for my royalty checks." He passed away in October of 2018.
My son thinks he's really smart now that he goes to school. When he came home yesterday he boasted "Onions are the only food that can make you cry" So I threw a Coconut at his head.
Confession: I was once at the gym and I saw a guy running full speed on the treadmill while reading a book. I couldn't believe what I was seeing and I took a video. The lady from the front desk confronted me and I lied and said it was a selfie.
I'm a mother of two and I don't feel like protesting however I want to be more active. What ways can I be more impactful towards social justice movements? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Play hard. Play fast. Play loose and free... Play as if there's no tomorrow.
I'm new to this relationship thing and I worry about losing myself. I've done that before with dating. So, how do you keep your autonomy, personality, lifestyle intact when you 're in a relationship? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
NASA employs a "chief sniffer" whose job is to smell every item before it's flown into space.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
U.S. President Grover Cleveland bought a baby carriage for an infant who became his wife 22 years later.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest. It's his altar ego.
What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't shit.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat - I don't think you understand people who eat you.
The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.
How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant? One of them is an elephant
I personally think that beekeeper suits are ugly as hell, but hey... Beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.
I'm glad we were able to reconnect on Facebook after 20 years. Anyway, here's an invitation to like a page where I sell lotions.
Hippos are able to sleep underwater by utilizing a reflex that allows them to surface, take a breath, and sink again all without waking up.
One of the tell tale signs that a guy has a scarcity mindset when it comes to women, is when he says "She's different from all the others."
"I know your love's not real. That's not the way it feels." - One Direction.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. If engineered correctly.
I left Stephen Hawking like 8 voice mail messages before I realised he'd picked up every time.
"You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness." - Gotye
In the face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold together.
When applying for new jobs state under illnesses and disabilities that you have narcolepsy and Tourettes. Not only can you sleep on the job but if anybody tries to wake you up you can tell them to fuck off.
Rapper J. Cole graduated high school with a 4.2 GPA. He accepted a scholarship to St. Johns University, was the president of a pan-African student coalition in college, and graduated magna cum laude with a degree in communication and business.
I'm a hypochondriac I mean I'm self-diagnosing here but I know there's something wrong
My girlfriend calls it selective hearing. I prefer to call it drama filtering.
I also paid my doorman to lie once - he told the delivery guy my order was for two people
Only 5 days till Christmas. I hope that you are wrapped under the Christmas tree.
Truth is not measured by how loud your preach it
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and green? A skunk rolling down a hill with a pickle in its mouth.
Her: "Undress me with your words." Me: "I saw a spider in your bra."
"Why don't you understand? I'm never changing who I am." - Imagine Dragons.
This week 4 Mental Health Awareness Month 2012, mhm2012, we will send tweets related 2 depression, unipolar depression and bipolar depression
The lie detector test should just be a pair of pants you put on that start on fire.
I promise you, if you came to one Mexican party... racism would end!
When she asks you if she looks fat and you reply noo but it autocorrects to moo....
For all those people who complain about the paper straws at McDonalds Here's a tip.... Take the lid off and drink it like a fucking grown up.
Think about it. If you buy a bigger bed, you have more bed room but less bedroom.
You have to give up what is good, to achieve what is great!
What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like? Depends
Why do North Koreans draw lines so well? They have a Supreme Ruler.
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes It was the end of my Korea. Now I'm China find a new job.
The main reason I've joined so many religious cults is because I have a hard time turning down a refreshing cup of Kool-Aid.
A dying man looks up into his wife's eyes and says, "Honey, before I go I have something I need to tell you." To which she replies, "I already know, dear. That's why I poisoned you."
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn't a ghost
Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
What does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask says they don't know.
Technically, there aren't 24 hours in a day. There are 23 hours, 56 minutes, and 4 seconds in a "day."
Yes fems.
When vegans have rough sex do they get artichoked?
Paul Newman's friends loved his homemade salad dressing so much that he started "Newman's Own." Newman never took personal pay, and the company donates 100% of its profits to charities. By 1992, ten years after the first product was sold, more than $50 million had been donated.
"Cinnamon can help diabetics. half a spoon a day reduces blood sugar levels according to a US research" diabetes health cinnamon
I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? My pad or yours?
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns. Well, toucan play at that game.
My left knee has never committed a crime. I can't say the same for his felony.
Hey architecture nerds...any sites you like that might have antique wood carvings that would be placed atop a newel post? I've seen some old houses that have these as ceramic figures or statuettes as well. Crazy Saturday Night
If you are Asian in the kitchen and African in the living room, then what are you in the bathroom? If you're in the bathroom, European.
You wanna hear a dirty joke A horse fell in the mud. And then some crazy lesbian who hates horses put on a strap on and fucked it till it died.
My dad told me "Son if you don't stop masturbating you'll go blind" I told him "Dad I'm over here"
In 2013, scientists implanted human brain cells in mice. The mice were 'statistically and substantially smarter than control mice.' They then created mouse-human hybrids by injecting baby mice with mature human astrocytes. Those cells completely took over the brains of the mice.
Take full advantage of your biggest haters, because perhaps they are offering you an insight you never would have seen
The janitor lady for my apartment building asked me out on a date & said she had some weed. I told her I'm not into high maintenance women.
What's the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex. sorry
There was a race between a group of gays and a group of lesbians. Who do you think got there first? The lesbians, because they got there lickety-split while the gays were still packing their shit.
Train your mind to be stronger than your feelings.
What's the best part about a redneck family fight? The makeup sex
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn't know which one came first!
After our enslavement, we had emancipation without a plan. It was an illusion of freedom. - Dr. Grills Black Minds Matter
I think my entire family is racist.. I was dating a white woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family. My wife and kids never even wanted to speak to her.
date: maybe i should go me: [struggling to get the straw in the juice pouch] no i can do this
Bathtub is just a reverse canoe.
The word "lunatic" comes from the Latin word "lunaticus." The belief that a full moon caused temporary insanity.
I HATE being bipolar, it's great.
Trying to cancel my 24hour fitness membership. I've been on hold to talk to someone for 30mins. How long do you think it will be till someone picks up?
Emotional Emancipation - overcoming the lie of White supremacy and Black inferiority. - Dr. Grills Black Minds Matter
[first date] Her: I love travelling to foreign countries Me (trying to impress): I once visited the Republic of Banana
I love jewish comedians they never ham it up.
The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her. I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
Researchers have discovered that bats address each other as individuals and often get into arguments.
How is eating a girl out like being a member of the mafia? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit!
What did the drunker muslim say to the drunk muslim? I'm Mohammad than you
Look I respect that culturally, Mandalorians don’t let us see their faces, but also, I really want to see the Mandalorian’s handsome face. Mandalorian
My wife left me for a fisherman. Poor guy's still reeling.
"We are more in need of a little bit of manners than we are in need of a lot of knowledge" -Abdullah ibn Mubarak
Andrew Ferebee is the founder of Knowledge For Men. And on this previous episode of the podcast he's going to talk about how to develop a growth mindset and how to apply this to your skill of approaching girls so that when you approach a girl she actually feels glad that you did.
There's no scientific evidence confirming that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Just woke up from this crazy ass dream!!!
Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
My wife is really good at putting our toddler to bed, he goes to sleep right away. I don't know how she does it, but I bet it's by telling him about her workday.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, 'We need to talk.' That's not a good sign.
Farting in your sleep should never be held against you, even if it happened during a work meeting in the conference room.
"Be better than anyone here, and don't give a damn what anyone thinks. There are no teams here, no buddies. You're on your own."
How do you starve a black man? Put his food-stamps next to his work boots.
Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.
Why do black women wear high heels? To stop their knuckles dragging on the floor.
Just watched a documentary that had full cooperation of the subject and it made him look HORRIBLE. Never seen that before. Remarkable
[doctor's office] Doctor: What seems to be the problem? Me: I found a huge crack in my butt * we both laugh and high five *
The problem: Queer people in India still find it difficult to quickly locate HIV and other health and legal services. Even then, there are sensitivities around service providers being queer friendly. G 4 E
I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't go to the gym with me. We just weren't working out.
"I have died everyday waiting for you." - Christina Perri.
An estimated 7% of men suffer from paruresis; an anxiety disorder that makes it impossible to urinate if other people are nearby.
This year keeps killing the wrong people.
But you wake up one day and you look around... and you dont recognize anything, not anything at all.
Santa watches me shoot a wasp nest with my bow and arrow. He crosses my name off the 'nice' list and adds me to the 'fucking badass' list.
What's a magician's favorite Mexican dish? TosTADA!
"Gangsta's Paradise" has no profanity in it because Stevie Wonder would not allow profanity in a song that sampled his work.
[scale says I've gained 5 pounds] Me: It's probably just what I'm wearing. Wife: You're naked. Me: Wife: Me: It's a heavy deodorant.
Asking a girl out can be scary. Remember she's probably just as nervous as you. Be a man and take the lead. Ask her.
"You're my ohana, and I'll always love you." - Lilo and Stitch
What do you call a ghost's boobies? Paranormal entitties.
Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday". Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
A long time ago, I thought of a soda joke. I'd share it with you, but I'm afraid I think it'd fall flat.
I'm always good at figuring out who dies first in a movie but sometimes directors fuck with me by casting too many black people...
How many muslims does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Sorry comments are unavailable on this joke.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot and all over my crotch.
[mattress shopping] Me: I'm looking for something that will be really comfortable while I lay awake worrying about things that will never happen.
Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay
Mankind has left 96 bags of feces, urine, and vomit on the Moon.
We are living in a time when going to a museum belongs in a museum.
Happy SuperSoul Sunday everyone. Hope u enjoyed that extra hr. Getting ready for a bunch of AHA moments coming up on SSS. On OWN +Facebook
What happens to an egg every time you look at it? It becomes eggs sighted.
foods rich in biotin to improve skin: swiss Chard is a top producer of biotin. carrots, Almonds Walnuts, Chicken, Goat's Cow's Milk
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
Apparently every woman is bi. It just takes time to figure out if it's 'sexual' or fucking 'polar'...
Imagine working for millions of years on something as awesome as a planet full of dinosaurs and then one day some random asteroid wipes it all out. I really don't blame evolution for half-assing it with us.
JeffreyDeanMorgan asked me 2 post this "Vegas Con movers and shakers, phenomenal cast of misfits, MY BOYS, and mostly, u fans. Thxandlove, jdm"
therapist: and what do we do when we're sad? me: we make jokes about the situation minimizing our pain and go on pretending everything is fine therapist: no me: hahahaha I was only kidding. I don't get sad because life is hilarious (starts sobbing uncontrollably)
Today, my son, Sam, told me that he wanted to become a woman. I've always wanted a Trans Sam.
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances I said: 'There's the door.'
The 2-4 year old kids sang a Christmas carol in church today. Everyone thought they were cute. But they were off key so I booed them.
I was going to start my own podcast, but I already have enough going on with regards to disappointing my parents
Daniel Radcliffe broke more than 80 wands while filming the Harry Potter movies because he would use them as drumsticks.
Wikipedia asks for money more often than my drunk uncle at Christmas time.
Why didn't the fat duck have any friends? Because he was ostrich-sized.
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? A Klondike.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate said: 'Aye, it's driving me nuts.'
My wife and her sister got caught in a thunder shower on the way home from weight watchers earlier.... It was the funniest example of saturated fats I'd ever seen.
Why can't Caitlyn Jenner lie to her kids? She's a transparent.
What do you get when you mix a public speaker with someone who had tourettes? A clock! One provides the tic, the other provides the talk 
Twitter should automatically pin your worst tweet to your profile so people could have a realistic understanding of what they're in for
Ted Bundy's girlfriend tried reporting him to the police on three separate occasions.
There was a screaming child on my flight so I asked to be moved to a different area of the plane, but they wouldn't do it because it was my kid.
These last 4 days have been some of the longest and darkest I can remember. Thanks to everyone for the thoughts and prayers while I was without a phone.
*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo... Coming... *other Indian replies* New... Fire... Who... Dis?
Scientists have just announced that Dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels. That pushes women down to third place. They also get paid more than women.
How much do Chinese dumplings weigh? Wonton.
"I've been loved. And that's something everyone should have once in their life."
How can you tell if a black woman is pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out the cotton is already picked.
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns. It was a play on words.
This is the time to get your finances in order regardless of employment or financial situation. - Dr. Josephus Shepherd STEI Reset COVID 19
My ex left me because, according to her, I'll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her. Lucky guess.
'Lettuce is beneficial in the treatment of insomnia as it contains a sleep inducing substance'
The average office employee who works an 8 hour day is productive for just 2 hours and 23 minutes, according to a UK study.
What does a brick and a fat girl have in common? Both will eventually be laid by a Mexican.
Jody is an advocate for women's empowerment and one of the most-respected and accomplished industry leaders. Troy Tomlinson has been an amazing part of my team for over half my life and a passionate torchbearer for songwriters.
"Bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it." - The Lion King
Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray." Blonde: "I've never dated anyone named Ray."
I have designed a website for orphans. There isn't a home page.
31 Take her home to meet your parents, not your bed
When a man loves a woman he's thinking about her... Even when he's not around her...
I opened the door for an old lady today... A few people stared when they seen me jump in front of her and just stand there to activate the automatic door though.
Alright kids, everyone retweet this video for a heartfelt DM 🌟💚
I told my suicidal son that time is the greatest healer. Stupid bastard jumped off Big Ben.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats--taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
What's the difference between a blind sniper and a constipated owl? Everything. They have absolutely nothing in common.
Welcome to our chat tonight. If you wanna add to the convo, don't forget to use the Auntie Red Tweet Tea hashtag.
What's the best thing about having sex with a Transsexual? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
Rose hip oil delays the effects of skin aging, assists with cell regeneration, & promotes collagen & elastin levels to increase skin aging
When we die, all the concert footage we've shot on our phones flashes before our eyes.
....He said he didn't want to break my heart in the future. It was like a soul had left my body. I was broken and disappointed...I had lost him. After days of acting nice at the office, I decided to ignore him. I cut off the baits, texts, calls and so did he.
Teacher Johnny: Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and.. Her-ass-meant a lot to me
Empathy.
cop: i think you know why i pulled you over me: [still trying to peel two oranges at once] just a second cop: hey no
I always wanted to try juggling. I just never had the balls to.
We like to think we're fearless, eager to explore unknown lands and soak up new experiences. But the fact is, we're always terrified.
A man sees a lady with big tits. He asks, "Can I bite your tits for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to an alley. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her tits for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
Someone told me you can find the Christmas story in the bible, but I just spent the last 2 hours looking and couldn't find anything about Santa anywhere
Wife: I think I've lost weight. My underwear don't fit anymore. They're all too big. Me: (flashback to when I was listening to natural woman and wearing her underwear) That's.... uh... awesome!
Q2: What does the word "crazy" or "bipolar" mean to you? Why do you think that it is commonly used casually and not clinically? TWS Chat
Smh... It makes no sense that so many men are out here putting down the very women that have been holding them down...
why should you never pick a fight with an Israeli baker? Because they know Jew dough
I only really like people when they leave me alone.
The biggest surprise in the upcoming 'Han Solo' prequel is that he was born Henry Solowitz in Parsippany, NJ.
The lady next door ran over my cat. She said she'd replace it, so I asked her how good she was at catching mice.
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down. I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!
Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss.
I watched an action movie where the main character dodged bullets, jumped out of an airplane, and stopped a bank robbery. But the most unrealistic part of the whole movie was where he put his kids to bed and they went to sleep right away.
With the kids off at camp, my wife and I finally have some precious time to check Facebook in separate rooms.
me: i just feel like you understand me self-check out: unexpected item in bagging area me: you mean my heart
me: y'know when someone else is in the stall next to you and you have a stand off where you both refuse to poop first, i feel like that's what betty white and the queen are doing but about dying my dentist: i said stop talking
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life DATE: how do you know that *shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
The worst thing about eating a clock... ....passing the time
"People make mistakes. Even the people we love." - The Last Song
"Betty White" What the African American said when he heard there was a new Pope.
"Sometimes, even when we find the answers we've been looking for, we're still left with a whole hell of a lot of questions.."
My therapist told me... "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them." Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters?
TARGETED ADS IN 2018: Do you want a baseball shirt? ME: No TARGETED ADS IN 2021: Are you a husky Canadian man with blue eyes who didn't understand the end of Inception, is scared of birds, has a complicated relationship with his father, and wants a baseball shirt? ME: Go on...
I should really go do some Christmas shopping rn, pero like, I'll just do it tomorrow
Have you checked out the No Shame Day hashtag? We are amazed at the bravery of so many in sharing their personal mental health experiences.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say "Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima," & then start swearing in Japanese.
16 Be the shoulder she can cry on, and the person she can rely on. boyfriend tips
me: alexa alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and- me: is it okay to microwave glass alexa: for how long
I just spent the night with a feminist prostitute... Had to suck my own cock but she paid half!
YOU: I hate fun words. ME: [Pugnaciously] I fricken love em.
Life is like a box of chocolates... It doesn't last long for fat people.
Me: I cheated on you Wife: You had an affair with another woman? Me: No, I watched an episode of our TV show without you Wife: That's even worse
People who walk at a quicker pace are generally seen as more confident and happier than those who walk at a slower pace.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene? ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Inspirational Tweet: Always tell the people in your life how much you appreciate them. You don't want to live with regret wishing you had been nicer if something bad happens and you need to borrow money from them.
To me, nothing says Christmas like a person saying the word "Christmas".
I like getting on the metro train just as the doors are closing so it feels like a scene from a movie where I'm escaping a bad guy.
me: i fell down rollerblading on a treadmill police sketch artist: i thought you said you were attacked me: by my own hubris
What do you call a friendly Chinese man who gives out free firewood? Kind Ling
I've been building my son's trust with high fives for three years. Today I'm going to hit him with a "too slow". Welcome to the real world, son.
Cason Wilburn from East Coast Aquatics is on fire at BHISM 30 ! Easily taking first in the boys 13-14 200 free with AAAA time of 1:42:87
Sheriff Cuse and I faced off once before. Many moons ago. That's right...Dark Angel
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help," she said. "Sure, it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
[God Creating Cats] God: Make them adorable so people will love them unconditionally and take care of them Angel: Awwwww! God: Also make them lick their own butt-holes Angel: Wtf?
I'm pretty sure the reason my friends are annoyed by my kid is because of how amazing, cute, and smart he is... especially considering how their kids are all irritating morons.
In 1993, cops were able to catch a drug dealer who was running and hiding in the woods because of his clothing. Specifically, he was wearing light-up shoes and didn't take them off.
Me (watching millennials being convinced that fanny packs are fashionable): This is hilarious. Best punk ever.
"Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?" "No. Marching's hard. I tweeted about it."
People are more likely to have an affair when their age ends with "9" because of behavioral changes as they approach a new decade.
What do you call a lesbian that turned straight A hasbien
Back to work this morning after a great weekend. Thanks to all you east coasters. NJ Con 2014 SPN Family Need More Coffee
Where's the best place in America to shop for a football kit? New Jersey!
Need some custom woodwork. Post pics and videos of your work here.
Puns leave me numb. Mathematical puns leave me number.
I open my phone and read your text. The news is so horrific and heartbreaking I have no idea how to respond. I type 'my condolences' into the GIF search.
The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't being said
judas: that jesus guy really pisses me off lol me: haha what judas: sometimes i just wanna beat the shit out of him until he's an inch from death and nail him to a cross haha me: dude what
I think more people used the word “shitshow” tonight than in the history of the word
Did you hear about the pessimistic German vegetarian? He feared the wurst
What do you call a 60-year old whose puberty just started? A late boomer.
"You don't find something you love that much and let it go. You hold onto it and throw yourself in deeper."
Change the way you think and you change your world.
ghost hunter: is there a spirit here tonight ghost me: yeppers ghost hunter: did it just say fucking yeppers
The average age of a gamer in the U.S. is 35-years-old.
What's your cholo/chola name?
Best part of the body is probably the big bone orb sticking out of your ankle that is magnetically attracted to anything heavy you drop. Excellent design. Really lets you know you're alive.
What's the difference between a stripper and a hooker? Usually about $40
"Loving you forever, can't be wrong. Even though you're not here, won't move on." - Lana Del Rey.
What do you call a Mexican crossed with an octopus? I don't know, but it sure can pick lettuce.
How do you say goodbye to a thousand Japanese people? A big wave
ME IN REAL LIFE: *quietly watches everyone* ME ONLINE: [yelling through a big cone] STEP RIGHT UP, FOLKS! WE GOT JOKES AND JOKES AND JOKES! WORDPLAY, MISDIRECTION, ABSURDITY. YOU WANT IT, I GOT IT. YOUR LOL IS MY GOAL. I'M NOT HAPPY TIL THAT KNEE GETS SLAPPY...
My neighbor is blasting his meditation music, but every time I go over to say something I'm filled with a deep sense of peace.
"Eat 5-6 soaked almonds in the morning everyday. Almond is a source of Phenylalanine which helps enhance memory power & cognitive skills"
Dates rich in natural fibers, vitamins & minerals, oil, calcium, sulphur, iron, potassium, phosphorous, manganese, copper, magnesium
🎈 🎉 Drop your birthday love below:
My dad once told me that if I put a potato in my swim trunks, I would attract more women... He forgot to tell me to put the potato in the front.
How many Irish folk singers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to sing about how grand the old bulb was.
If I was a Muslim, I'd want to hide my face too.
People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - RIP, Maya Angelou
Being content doesn't mean that everything has to perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections
Bees enjoy alcohol and can consume the human equivalent of 10 liters of wine in one serving. And yes, they also get drunk.
When you want someone to get out of your way, establish dominance by saying 'ex-squeeze me'
'Tis the season to start sentences with apostrophes.
Give a white man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a black man a fishing rod and he'll fish your car keys through your letterbox.
What do bats use to hit baseball? Baseball human
"We give up. That's when the real work begins. To find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all..."
"No, of course I like you. It's because I like you, I don't want to be with you. It's a complicated... emotion." - Finding Nemo
me: hey do you have the time? my clock is wrong clock: all i'm saying is why isn't there a white panther
What's baked every day and sells itself? Your mom
No one likes to be cheated on
On an island vacation with my family. If I get attacked by a shark, don't blame him - the chum Speedo was my idea.
"We've all heard the warnings and we've ignored them. We push our luck. We roll the dice. It's human nature."
Wife: It's not a chick flick! Me: was the movie released in February? W: yes. M: are they standing back to back on the cover? W: sigh.. yes
If you ever think someone you know has been replaced by a robot, just ask them to identify traffic lights or cars.
What do you call a gay man's paradise? A fruitopia.
I think my friend is having an affair with my wife. He seems miserable lately.
When your wife remembers a memory from years ago and you have no recollection of it, don't blame yourself... that's just a break down in the Matrix. Our robot overlords put the memory in her head but forgot to put it in yours.
Eat cucumber slices dipped in hummus. though this sounds boring, it's a great healthy substitution for chips & dips health
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian Dad: Okay its cool 2nd daughter: dad I'm a lesbian too Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys? Son: I do
I only sleep with antivaxers 3 years of child support is way better than 18
Ok everyone it's trivia time! So I have 20 questions and whoever gets the most right at the end wins! I am keeping score and in order to....
Her: At least invite me out to dinner. Him: I don't go out with married women. Her: But I'm your wife. Him: I make no exceptions.
I'm done being a people pleaser. If everyone's ok with that.
What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
Whats the difference between a peeping tom and a pick-pocket? One of them snatches watches The other watches snatches
Hellooo 29K 👋🏻 You are the wind beneath my wings. Let’s get to 30K and I’ll evolve into my final form.
Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa? Because they make the toys
I watched a gay fish porn the other day... ...it was pretty homoaquatic.
My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!"
Chadwick Boseman was the first and only person considered for the role of T'Challa in "Black Panther." When Chadwick's name came up in a creative story meeting, Marvel immediately settled on him.
Your story may not have such a happy beginning but that does not make you who you are, it is the rest of it- who you choose to be'. The KUNG FU PANDA trilogy doesn't get enough love and respect man!
"Everybody wanna steal my girl [..] Couple billion in the whole wide world, find another one cause she belongs to me" - Steal My Girl.
How many different descriptions do black folks have for describing someone's skin shade/tone? Quote this tweet and tell us!
"What if daddy was right? What if there's no forever?' - Cher Lloyd.
"What are you doing?" asked my wife. "Putting plastic mice on the lawn to keep away elephants." "There's no fucking elephants out there," she snarled. "Of course not," I replied, "I've put the plastic mice out!"
There it is Season10 premier. Hope u enjoyed. Maybe I'll shout at ya next week. Until then,keep it safe..or go Nuts. Love y'all SPN Family
I once dated a dyslexic woman. I took her home and she cooked my sock.
I'm not gonna lie...a few of those falls were a little difficult to back up from. I'mTooOldForThisCrap
mushrooms are rich in selenium. Selenium is an antioxidant that works with vitamin E to protect cells from damaging effects of free radicals
What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader
Red Cabbage has more phytonutrients than green cabbage
Pray for those who may treat others bad. They need it the most.
Today is Earth Day. Be good to the environment today by recycling a bunch of old jokes.
Nigerian Accent made easy: Happy Birthday = Api Betday XBOX 360 = eggs bugs three sisty McDonald's = Magdonnas Husband = Ozzband Concern = Con Son Order Chinese = Hoda shy knees Google = Gugu Safe Journey = Save Johnny
Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid? Luckily I'm in the other 5%.
The way to her heart: make her a bomb as sopita with limon and tapatio
What's the best reason to date a pornstar? You never have to meet her father.
17 Never give her a reason to doubt you. boyfriend tips
Carne asada fries sound bomb rn
I'm moving forward to protect my family from anymore unforeseen financial hardships in the future, and by that I mean I'm getting a vasectomy.
Me: I don't scare easily. Pregnant wife: All four of our daughters will be teenagers at the same time. Me: *never stops screaming*
There is a fine line between love and iove.
"I have loved you for many years. Maybe I am just not enough.' - Sam Smith.
Protip: Marrying a person isn't the only way to get someone to take your name, there's also identity theft.
The word "stressed" is "desserts" spelled backwards. ... and eating dessert can actually help relieve stress.
I'm so glad we've had the internet during the lockdown so we could still all meet online to make each other miserable
Been chatting and flirting with this 14 year old chick Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How freakin' cool is that for someone her age.
Welcome to your 40s. You just injured your back reading this tweet.
Why did the transgender person disappear after they gave birth? They became transparent.
About to drop DRIVING WITH MY MEXICAN DAD video within the hour!
I can't stand wheelchairs. Damn, I messed up the punctuation on that one. It should be: "I can't stand! Wheelchairs?"
My Girlfriend Told Me I Need To Get In Shape..... I told her "I am in shape! Round is a shape!"
Roll call! Boxx? Brian? Chalupny? Engen? Harris? Good to have you...
How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meet Patty!
Studies have shown that just 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon per day can lower LDL cholesterol cholesterol
I'm not angry enough at you to type in all caps, but you did make me upset me so I'll use two exclamation points at the end of my sentence!!
YOU have a lot more potential than you think. You just have to stop caring about what others think about you
Doctor told me I had six months to live. "Seriously doc?" I asked. "Is there anything I can do?" "Move to Kansas and get married," he replied. "It'll be the longest six months of your life."
I believe that old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets covering their legs are actually retired mermaids.
PS4 game recommendations?
What could $10K do for The Okra Project? Here are just a few of the things we have planned! -expansion to more states + building community w/ Black TGNC organizers nationwide. - providing cooking classes and nutrition seminars - workshops on food justice+grassroots organizing
If doomsday prep companies thought doomsday was really coming they wouldn't be stockpiling your soon to be worthless cash.
What is the best way to stop a politician? A really strong gust of wind.
Be good enough to forgive someone who has wronged you, but not dumb enough to get stung twice
Let us be people who make others appreciate today and look forward to tomorrow
Time to change my backround. Send in your favourite cast picture or collage and I will pick the best one.
Behind every wrinkle on the faces of our elders, lies wisdom beyond our years
After almost a year of doing this work, we've learned a lot, and met some amazing people. We want to continue to be in conversation with the Black Trans community, wherever they may be. Please help by supporting im one of the following ways this Giving Tuesday:
Magic Mike grossed 167m, Shrek grossed 484m just so we're clear.
"Look at you, worrying so much about things you can't change." - Taylor Swift
Jobs from the 90s that aren't around anymore: Steve
Where is the lift? American: You mean the elevator? English: Yes, we call it a lift. American: It's called an elevator. We invented it. English: And we invented the language.
My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.
I find a good way to warm up on a cold winter day is by giving myself anxious sweats thinking about the future of humanity.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."
Congrats to 14 yr old Courtney Connolly high point winner from Detroit black kids swim NBHCSM 14 black kids swimcary2016
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale... I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest.
What do you call an Irish J-Pop singer? Rady O'Gaga
What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus? He waits for it at the next stop.
What does a rich fat Englishman gain? Lots of Pounds.
I've been saying 'mucho' more when talking to my Hispanic friends. It means a lot to them.
How can you tell a Belgian in a submarine? He's the one with a parachute on his back.
What happens when a Chinese man with a boner runs into a wall? He breaks his nose.
In 2018, a 13-year-old opened a hot dog stand in front of his home in Minnesota, prompting a neighbor to file a complaint with the health department. Instead of shutting him down, inspectors helped bring his stand up to code and paid the $87 fee for his permit.
I want a girlfriend with OCD, that way whenever I want to go home I can just say "Are you sure you checked the stove before we left?"
What do you call a person with a Simpsons fetish? Homer-sexual
As my wife gave birth all the doctors yelled, "Push!" I was convinced it was a Pull door.
When my wife and I are getting ready to go out and in a hurry, I like to help her get ready faster by repeatedly telling her what time it is every few minutes.
Girlfriend: "babe it's hot I need a fan" [Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]
I tried bringing sexy back but the lady at Walmart assured me I didn't get it there.
Nearly 70% of Americans with $1 million in assets don't consider themselves "wealthy."
On this previous episode, we talked about a study that was done where they asked girls what their top deal breakers were. Things like neediness, laziness, bad in bed, no confidence, multiple partners etc and what you can do to remedy these so that you're a keeper and not a loser.
The most relatable part about Bilbo is that he had a bulletproof shirt, and a ring that makes you invisible, but instead of getting into mischief he just stayed at home for 60 years smoking pipe weed and working on a book.
What's the leading cause of blindness in middle aged women? Shit golfers!
If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it's a dart board on a ceiling.
What do you call a bedpan in Russia? A Poo-tin.
Stop imagining what could go wrong and start imagining what could go right.
[couples counselling] Wife: He keeps comparing my emotions to food Therapist (to me): Women's emotions are complex. They have several layers Me: Oh I get it. Like a delicious bean dip
Hepatitis is becoming a silent killer in the gay community. Most carriers have no idea as they show no symptoms. The only moment they realise is when it's too late, when their liver is all destroyed and they're at the point of death. Get tested, get vaccinated.
Titanic sank 103 years ago... ...making it the only thing your mom didn't go down on! Hi-YO!
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives
When talking to a girl you like, ask her questions that she can answer with more than just yes or no. Begin your questions with why, what, how, or when.
Did you hear about the guy that was half Black and half Japanese ... ... every December 7th he would attack Pearl Bailey.
What's the worlds saddest pizza? Pepperlonely.
Why do white people own so many pets? Because we're not allowed to own people anymore.
I'm like an iPhone when it comes to going out after work... my battery says I still have 47% left, but in reality I'm going to be dead and out of energy within 30 minutes.
I don't think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
In the last 18 years, only four civilians have been killed by Norwegian law enforcement.
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of chaos, and sometimes in the middle of chaos, you find yourself
Bill Gates' net worth is nearly five times that of Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark combined.
In which country are they refusing to use wi-fi and bluetooth? In wireland
Paddy wanted to buy a Labrador.. Mick said "Fuck that, have you seen how many of their owners go blind!"
Come through to the ourselves black launch party! You can meet the team that helped make the magazine a reality!
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl When she noticed me, we went for a run
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
What did the potato say to his lover? You have amazing eyes.
Did you hear Bruce Jenner was in a car accident? He was unhurt but his tranny was damaged.
What does the arabs put in their Mexican food?? Allah-penos
What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Wife.
Of the more than 5,000 species of mammals that inhabit the planet, only female humans have permanent breasts.
I recorded the season finale of my podcast with @amyschumer a few weeks ago. I hope it makes you laugh.
her: [during sex] spank me me: [nervous but i go for it] her: did you just say good game
The Chinese coined the phrase 'it's not you.. it's me' while looking at their family albums.
Gay guys don't listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say "I know, right?!" while we wait for our turn to talk.
What do you call a seven course Irish meal? A 6-pack and a potato.
The Cheez-it Bowl brought to you by...wait for it...Cheez-its
Charles Darwin and his first wife were first cousins. They had 10 kids, only 7 of which made it to adulthood. Worried that his marriage was responsible, he began experimenting using plants. He found that with any breeding, it's better to cross-breed than keep relatives together.
Remember that AMA guy whose mother slept with him because he had broken his arms? She was adding incest to injury.
Well the Golden Globes has taught me one thing - you’re no one if you don’t own a glittery suit
What's the difference between boy scouts and Jews? Boy scouts always come back from camp!
"City-dwelling mothers who developed postpartum were members of immigrant populations, which typically have weaker social support networks."
"One cup of strawberries contains 21% of manganese, an essential nutrient that acts as a powerful antioxidant and anti-inflammatory agent"
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time? A widow.
goose doctor: was your son quack-cinated mom: what goose doctor: like vaccinated but with quack- mom: that's ducks goose doctor: well at least my kid doesn't have polio
What did the dead magician say? Abra-cadaver ROFL
Social determinants of mental health front and center tonight. Mental Health advocates MUST be informed, active voters Dem Debate
Thinking about going to Victoria, BC at some point. What are your favorite hotels there? And what's good to see while there?
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Roll call! Who will be swimming at this weekends' Junior Olympics? Use BKS Junior Olympics and share pics! Swim hard everyone
A man goes to a $3 hooker He contracted crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $3, a lobster?"
I miss the rites of spring from my childhood, the snow melting, the birds chirping, me being cut from the baseball team.
It's cool that they did the black hole or whatever but I'm more interested in BIG questions like: Why do I enjoy soup but I never have a craving for it?
me: i brought cupcaaakes prison guard: what how
According to Nielsen, Americans 65 and older spend nearly ten hours a day looking at screens. That's 12% more than people between the ages of 35 and 49, and a third more than those between the ages of 18 and 34.
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year. christmas jokes
Night Twitter, give iGirlfriendTip a shoutout to all followers... Many more tips tomorrow
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife  meat eggs blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife your eggs or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
Dodged the bullet A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.
What did the arsonist use to set the Amazon Warehouse on fire? Amazon kindle.
When you doubt the intentions of others, you expose your own insincerity
FRIEND: Do you think the Ghost Horse is real? ME: No. That's just an urban legend. *We both distinctly hear something clop in the attic*
Grapefruit juice can prevent medicine from working & from being broken down. Avoid it if you are taking any medications medicine
A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." and POOF! He disappeared without a tres.
Make sure that she knows she is one of the most important people in your life.
On the last episode we had a letter from a listener looking to find LGBT friendly spots in Dallas. So, Dallas Family help Ya Aunties give suggestions on where to send LGBT folks to find community and safe spaces. Dallas LGBTQIA
"We just want to survive the storm. We pray, 'Please just get me to the other side.' We never imagine what it'll be like when we get there."
I saw a guy drop his scrabble letters in a road. I asked him: 'What's the word on the street?'
Why is there only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell? Easy. More traffic is going to hell. rofl
I once knew a girl who confused a tube of KY jelly... for a tube of super glue. I asked her how it happened... her lips were sealed.
You can date anyone, but you can't trust everyone.
me: babe get your finger measured her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is? me: [ordering custom puppets] you'll see
You are either building your own legacy, or helping someone else build theirs
Heard the cops arrested two guys on suspicion of building a bomb, one had some fireworks and the other had a car battery. Police say they have charged one and let the other one off.
Sorry I can't hang out with you anymore I'm too busy doing grown-up stuff like appreciating the cola part of Coca-Cola and using the side options on the cheese grater.
If two people lock eyes in a dimly lit room for 10 minutes, they may experience dissociation. According to an Italian psychologist, this can include feeling like the world is distorted, memory loss, and strange perceptual experiences.
My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly...I'm not a fan.
Shoplifting or rape If you have sex with a prostitue and pay with a cheque that bounces is it shoplifting or rape?
[3 Wise men getting ready for Jesus' baby shower] Wise man 1: So what kind of gifts do you give for newborn babies? Wise man 2: No idea. Wise man 3: Definitely gold bars and cologne. Wise man 1 and 2: Nice
Roughly 20% of the world's population has cheek-dimples.
 What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics? Having legs
After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date...the American tourist.
Zumba was invented when its founder, Alberto Perez, forgot to bring his cassette of pop songs to an aerobics class, so he had no choice but to play the mixtape he had in his car. The tape included Latin songs, particularly merengue and salsa.
I Have The Body of a 25 Year Old Supermodel. But it takes too much space in my freezer. rofl
kid: where do babies come from dad: the stork kid: but that means- dad: that's right son [hand on shoulder] i fucked a stork
You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive 3-pack'. Heck, I'm half  way to sexy town
What's the only thing an Irish person can hold on to? A grudge.
me: there's been a terrible accident at the ketchup factory 911: is anyone bleeding me: um
I just ate a whole bunch of butterflies... it didnt make me feel nervous at all.
INSTAGRAM: Looks like a fun weekend!! TWITTER: You look like what happens when a hobbit has a baby with an ashtray.
Her: we're gonna be late Me: it's a 2 minute video Her: doesn't include the time you spend crying Me: [crying] a duck and cat are friends
Abraham Lincoln, a voracious reader, worked for the USPS before teaching himself law and becoming a lawyer.
I'm glad they called the huge chocolate bars 'king sized' because it makes me feel like a triumphant conquerer when I'm eating my feelings and crying.
This country has become so divided, it might as well be an amoeba. Netflix, where's my comedy special?
When her mouth says she's okay but her face doesn't, she's not okay.
Why don't black people listen to country music? Every time the hear the word hoedown they think their sister's been shot.
How do you call a Jew teenager? Jewenile
The reason you see cartoon characters like Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck wearing gloves all the time is because they're murderers
What does the Jewish Bruce Wayne drive? The Shabbat-Mobile.
Vodka 19.99. Motel room 64.99. Condoms 9.99. Finding out she swallows and likes it in the ass? Priceless! Fuck Mastercard, it pays to Discover
A policeman stopped me last night and asked, "Do you know what speed you were doing?" I replied, "Yeah, the stuff I bought from Leroy."
If whales are so intelligent why the fuck do they swim near Japan?
If a girl gets changed in front of you, then she's either really interested, or thinks of you as just a friend. Or she hasn't spotted me in her wardrobe.
My wife and I always fight about stealing the covers, so now we use separate blankets, beds, bedrooms, houses and area codes. Problem solved.
me: so tell me about yourself date: i hate surprises me: [violently waving off behind her] is that right grizzly bear: [confused shrug]
Why do people say "fat people are lazy"? Fat people get themselves food, I'm skinny because I'm too lazy to get myself food.
What is a junkies favorite drink? Hepsi
The construction of the Hubble Space Telescope's mirrors required such precision that they could only be tested at night to avoid vibrations from cars driving on the freeway.
We need a tiny, classy hot dog -the inventor of the cocktail wiener
Martha Stewart became a billionaire while she was in prison.
[crashing at a friends house for the night] Friend: do you want the couch or the bed? Me: it doesn't matter... I can lay awake with anxiety anywhere
What do you call a gay avatar? A bender.
I hate these supposedly "funny t-shirts". Just the other day I saw one which on the front said "I'm not gay..." and on the back said "but my boyfriend is". So I asked my girlfriend to take it off.
How do Japanese people refer to American politicians? Parti-san
Why are camels known as the ships of the desert? Because they're filled with Arab semen.
Let's name this product after something virtually no one will use it for. -the inventors of duct tape
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke this morning with a huge correction.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequillllaaaa
Absolutely sloshed via house red with HRC at Sundance with some of my favorite women thinking 'wow it's cold but what a great start to the year'
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an "Oh, honey"
What do you call a bunch of little black kids playing in leaves? Raisin Bran rofl
My friend told me he hopes I die somewhere filled with tents and lights and rides. That seems fair
What did the Ice Cream say to the Birthday Girl? Go 'head girl, it's sherbert day
We never "lose" friends, we just learn who our real ones are.
"You can't choose your family. You take what the fates hand you and like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not, you cope."
Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, the harder it becomes to know what to say.
When you say you want the truth, you've no idea what you're talking about. The truth is horrible, frightening; it's more than you can bear.
Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like? No, sun.
We have that opportunity in Positively Israel. We get to talk about [our views] and all the different cultures [in Israel] and how they fit in.' - Segev Kanik, Rutgers University Student JNFNC 19
No matter how kind you are, German children are always Kinder.
What do you call a witch who lives in the desert? A sand witch.
What do you call a french lesbian? A tresbien
A fat woman just served me at McDonalds... ... and said "Sorry about the wait". I replied and said "Don't worry, you'll lose it eventually".
Cannabis was initially made illegal in 1937 by a man who claimed it promoted interracial mixing and was used by black men to "seduce white women."
"Each three ounce serving of clams has a whopping 22 grams of protein with very few calories and little fat" protein clams
What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? Freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
Why is Italy shaped like a boot? They couldn't fit that much shit in a sneaker. haha
"someday this will all be yours" I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
British people be like: I'm bri ish. I guess they drank the t.
In 2015, 17-year-old Rebecca Townsend completed her bucket list right before she was hit by a car. Her final goal was to save a life. Before the car hit her, she pushed her friend out of the way, sacrificing herself.
If you keep snails in the pockets of your cargo shorts, they're called escargot shorts. And send.
A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*. He disappeared without a tres.
"I want to make you feel beautiful." - Maroon 5.
Don't let someone else's opinion of you become your reality.
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she's been grouchy all day. I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
My laser pointer brings all the cats to the yard
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
..the United States however, being an African American trans woman, Johnson's participation in LGBT+ activism has often been overlooked. This Pride month, we must recognise Marsha P Johnson's efforts that have got us to where we are today but understand that the fight for..
How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
kidneys take around 24 hours to remove harmful toxins out of the body like lead, mercury, while sweating removes these metals much faster
A rabbi, an Irishman, and a clown walk into a bar The bartender says "This has to be a joke."
One bank made 3 billion dollars just on overdraft charges during COVID 19 - Dr. Josephus Shepherd STEI Reset
What happens to lawyers after they die? They lie still.
I've been telling everyone I'm a minimalist because it sounds cooler than I'm poor.
Don't make the truth bitter with arrogance and bad manners
When whales get insomnia, I wonder if they listen to a relaxing sounds of people CD.
SGA presidents: Use your influence! Include athletes, Greeks AND current smokers to create a healthier campus tobacco free hbcu spread truth
A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers...so if you're a good driver watch out.
The first step to learning is to first admit you don't know
I like to look classy when I'm at Walmart. That's why when go there, I tuck my shirt into my sweatpants.
The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war while French people remove the red and blue colour
We have to start identifying areas of the black experience that challenge our mental health the most and then systematically address them.
Thank You to our brave military men and women! Always Remember Sept 11 USA
President Abraham Lincoln really loved cats. He even let a cat eat from the White House dining table once during a formal dinner.
Our own Dr. Sarah Vinson in the wyzeradio studio broadcasting live on the effects of community violence
My wife and I have a new arrangement. I can sleep with any woman I want, but she doesn't speak to me or live with me anymore.
Today is my 5 year wedding anniversary. Have you ever noticed how similar the words anniversary and adversary are? It's not a coincidence
you mean the story about the elderly lady who had some sort of fur coming out of her lower back? oh thats nothing but an old wives tail
ON THIS DAY August 7, 1953: Ohio officially became part of the United States. In 1803, Ohio was approved as the 17th state when Thomas Jefferson endorsed Congress's decision to grant statehood. But, Congress "forgot" to vote on accepting Ohio into the Union until 1953.
"The way I see it, sometimes you get what you want in life. Sometimes you don't. And sometimes, sometimes you get something in between."
"People like us, we've gotta stick together. Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever." - Kelly Clarkson.
[At doctor's office getting a physical] Me: Would it be alright if I turned the lights off for this?
Family, we appreciate your patience. Due to further health concerns and restrictions, as well as making sure our organizers have ample time and resources to remain healthy, we have had to shift our tactics a bit. We remain committed to serving you. More updates tomorrow. ❤ï
Hv trouble accepting help/support? Feel bottled up inside and ready to blow? Suffering in silence? You're probably a classic Strong Black Woman
Do you fully experience the intimacy and pleasure that a relationship offers? Or are you desensitized and numb? Sarah Grace is a sensuality coach and will show you how to re-sensitize and re-awaken your senses so you can experience relationships and life at an entirely new level.
"I was fighting. Then I thought, just for a second, I thought 'Whats the point?' And then I let go. I stopped fighting. Don't tell anybody."
My wife was happy when I told her I put a load in the dishwasher until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!
I saw a French rifle on eBay today It's never been fired but I heard it was dropped once.
What happens when you step on an oily asian? Better not say. I feel like I'm already treading on a slippery slope.
We live in a dark age. An age where it's not okay to commit murder but it's okay for fat girls to wear leggings.
If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose? "Gandhi." Why him? "More food for me."
I'd like to invent a line of cleaning products that does a good job and also sounds satanic. -the inventor of dirt devil
A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining and asks "ladies, is anything ok?"
You never see churches with free WiFi because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
When kept in captivity, poison dart frogs are harmless. They become poisonous in the wild because they eat ants, and the ants consume a variety of toxic plants.
I stayed in tonight and watched the Fall Classic. ('Autumn in New York' with Richard Gere and Winona Ryder)
How long did it take you to find your flow in life? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
What did the blonde say when she saw a banana peel? aw shit imma fall again
When my employer asked if I had a criminal record I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.
I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.
"Well, nana" I said. "This is where you will be staying eventually. Do you like it?" "Will you fuck off and let me visit your grandads grave in peace" she shouted.
"Transition is movement from one part of a life to a whole new one. And it can feel like one long, scary, dark tunnel."
Cold showers "promotes growth and repair of the circulatory system by stimulating capillary beds often left to "stagnate" with blood"
Whoever is trying to bring you down is already below you
What did the french say to the Nazis when they invaded ? Table for 50,000?
Why are shoes always tied in the ghetto? Because if not, you always be trippin nigga.
I came downstairs late last night to find a black man in the library. I was absolutely fucking shocked. I don't employ servants who can read.
My Jewish friend always had such a positive outlook on life, even as he suffered from such horrible constipation. As he'd always say, ... This two shall pass.
Black college student life comes with it 's own burdens. BLACKLISTED, formerly 'Ask Dr. V ', is a college series where Black students and mental health professionals tackle these taboo topics to make that load a little lighter.
What's the the key to telling an ISIS joke? The execution. sorry
Lack of water can significantly decrease work and mental performance, it increases the risk to kidney problems and urinary tract infection
Why are clowns so good at murder? Because you can't spell manslaughter without laughter.
In life we make lots of choices, but mental illness is not a choice. Someone who may look happy on the outside may be suffering on the inside. If you are affected by mental health please don't be ashamed to talk to someone about it. Don't suffer alone. World Mental Health Day
The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them
We actually shot this episode at a lodge in the woods with bears everywhere. We had people stationed around the set with air horns. Haha.
The days are getting shorter, but do they have to compensate by acting like assholes?
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
Death only sucks when you have no regrets. Live with no regrets. Face your fears and take more chances. Mistakes only weigh ounces. Regrets weigh tons.
When you're little, night time is scary because there are monsters hiding right under the bed....
My deaf girlfriend just told me to fuck off. That's not a good sign.
My wife woke me up in the middle of the night because she heard a noise in the house. I didn't find anyone, but that didn't stop me from yelling 'Get out of my house you criminals! Yeah, you better run!' to make myself seem heroic.
me: knock knock friend: who's there me: g- white guy with an anime avi: you've made a statement on a public forum so there is no reason for me to mind my own business
There's a 'dead zone' in the Black Sea where researchers have found ships as old as 1200 years. They were preserved well enough to see chisel marks from the people who originally built them.
Nikola Tesla was able to perform integral calculus in his head, often causing his teachers to assume that he was cheating.
Don't be upset by the results you didn't get from the work you didn't do
You sure can't count on anything in life. Life is the most fragile, unstable, unpredictable thing there is.
My girlfriend wants me to take her to Paris, and treat her like a princess The only thing is, I don't know which to pick: the guillotine or the Mercedes.
Simply acquiring knowledge doesn't mean you're growing. Growing happens when what you know that it changes how you live
What do you call cows that don't have a sense of humor? Feminists.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
When I was 6 I got coal from Santa. The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. The bastard found out and killed my dad
Why is Darth Vader so famous? He was the first black man to admit he is the father. sorry
A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.
During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it's perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate. That being said, I still wish he hadn't.
Jenga but with Toblerone bars.
One nice thing about getting older is that you appreciate crackers more. Great taste and accurate name. A+
Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why. He said "inflation"
What are some of your favorite podcast? International Podcast Day
Thanks to everyone who sent their thoughts and prayers during my difficult time of slow internet last night.
"Girl, I can see in your eyes that there's something inside that made you evil." - Justin Timberlake.
13 year old girls be like "I need a man who.. " Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.
I ran out of cereal today, so instead I poured milk on a bowl of bbq chips. It wasnt good, but I ate it anyway because breakfast is important
Phoebe Bridgers AND Phoebe Waller Bridge?!?
I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. ...Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening...
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
I know Karate... ...And like two other Japanese words.
In 2013, after more than 20 years of soda being America's favorite drink, water took over as the number one beverage in the country.
The venom of a male platypus causes excruciating pain that can last for up to three months and cannot be relieved with traditional painkillers. Victims may become nauseated, suffer from cold sweats, and their muscles can waste away.
I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist. Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.
My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she'll get stuck in them. I said, 'You'll come round eventually."
My doctor says I should eat more red meat and drink more alcohol. BTW, I consider all waiters doctors.
The body naturally follows its impulses, which I think is part of what makes it so hard for us to control ours.
"This report is a call for action to address a large public health problem [suicide] which has been shrouded in taboo" --Dr. Margaret Chan
"Walk your dog or take a nap, just whatever you do, stop worrying. Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are."
What so you call an Asian jew? Jew Lee
A news story said a missing cat came back to his owners after 8 years. Turns out the cat was backpacking through Europe and finding himself.
Octopuses are often drawn to shiny things and will sometimes start collections of them.
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
We lost my dad today. But at least he's in a happy place: wandering around somewhere in Home Depot. Let me know if you see him.
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing. It's laundry day.
What's the difference between a feminist and an illegal immigrant? The illegal immigrant knows how to cook.
Anne Frank's dad actually edited her diary. He took out things about sex and dirty jokes.
If you say the word 'lozenge' 50 times out loud, it starts sounding really weird. Also, your family leaves the dining table.
Studies show young people are having less sex than previous generations. I knew I was ahead of my time.
Cumin is very good for digestion. The smell of it activates our salivary glands in our mouth facilitating the primary digestion of the food
I've decided to start spelling "eggs" with only one "g" to conserve "g's" and reduce my carbon footprint. Everything little bit helps.
What do women and modern computers have in common? Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy
Bipolar depression is technically referred to as bipolar disorder and in the past was called manic depressive disorder. mhm2012 m hsm
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does. ROFL
Laura Yates is a break up coach for men. And on this previous episode, she is going to show you how to pick yourself up and move forward after getting dumped by processing your emotions and not making things worse by sitting around doing nothing or numbing the pain with alcohol.
Jesse Jackson: "Voter supression is real. Voter fraud is a fraud. Nothing is more fundamental in politics than the right to vote." no b c o
It'd be crazy if the boys were born on my birthday. Anybody have kids born on their birthday ?
It's important we never stop believing we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember there are things worth holding onto.
My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."
Black pepper has the ability to diminish amount of gas in the intestinal tract which leads to less flatulence & bloating. health gas
I just kinda died for you, you just kinda stared at me
evolution: sex feels good to encourage reproduction humans: so i could just fuck my hand or a piece of plastic right evolution: guys [nervous] guys no
The most exciting part of Easter egg hunts at my house is when suddenly the hunted become the hunters.
Why did Sally fall of the swing? She had no arms. Knock knock (Reader says who's there) Not Sally.
"I'm collecting for the flood victims in India" said the woman stood at my front door. So I gave her my inflatable crocodile.
35 Make her your ONLY! not just a number one.
[Starbucks] What can I get you? I'll have a large coffee, black "You don't have to say black" I'll have a large coffee, African American
The Maori language of New Zealand has a word for autism, 'takiwatanga.' Meaning 'his or her own time and space.'
When you smoke marijuana on a boat it's called sea weed. Thanks for following and stay tuned for more of these great tweets.
It's hard being a vegan who's into crossfit because I don't know which one to tell you about first.
I'm always disappointed when someone offers me Kool Aid and I drink it and then they don't try to recruit me into a religious cult
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
You're not perfect, but, you deserve to be happy
Why wasn't Hitler invited to the BBQ? Because he always burns the franks.
Funny that when a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she's considered a slut ... but when I do it I'm gay.
Let's give this invention a name that will severely hurt its marketability -the inventor of the fanny pack
Do you know what happens when gay marriage is legalized? BREAKING NEWS: California's drought is over. Water supply flourishing from the tears of the racist, homophobic, and conservative southerners
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend! Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
Some people have dead hearts but are still alive.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk. It'll be my security gourd.
New parent to infant: I will protect you no matter what happens. Parent of toddler: You're getting on my nerves. Go play in traffic.
"Just figure out what she wants, then make it happen. She'll forget all about the other."
What's Hitlers least favorite drink? Jewce
WIFE: The police are at the front door ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
What do you call a smart Muslim? Ex Muslim.
family fights are never what they appear to be on the surface. Queen Sugar is making that clear
"I piss off a lot of deaf people when I talk" -Italians
[First day as a waiter] Me: Sir how would you like your steak? Customer: Well done. Me: Thanks that means a lot. I was terribly nervous earlier.
"You and I are a team. Nothing is more important than our friendship." - Monsters, Inc
"Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.." I advised him to contact Facebook to set it as one of the gender options on the sign up menu.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees three idiots standing on the track.
How did the doctor cure the invisible man? He took him to the ICU
Antarctica is the only continent in the world without any spiders.
I just want to say that society needs to step up and make sure that medical workers get the mental healthcare they’re going to need after all this.
I just learned the medical name for Viagra. Mycoxaflopin.
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
Soy milk's high antioxidants help fight aging & increase bone density & strengthen the immune system. Try having soy milk with your cereal
foods rich in magnesium help reduce the symptoms of PMS pms
I just tried out a new flight simulator that's so realistic, I spent the whole 2 hours grounded at JFK.
What do you call an ugly dinosaur? An eyesaur.
"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends." - Harry Potter
Want to hear a joke about black people? Never mind it won't work
If Kevin Bacon never said "want some bacon with your eggs" to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn't make sense anymore.
I wonder how many calories women burn by jumping to conclusions?
My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore. I had to put my foot down.
What do you call a fat pirate? A vast matey.
Oh wow I guess Sheppy got ahold of my iPhone... sorry for the random Moana tweet 🤣
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting. All the seats were already taken.
"I know I'm not your only, but at least I'm one, I heard a little love is better than none" - Ariana Grande
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's. At least it isn't cancer.
There are 2 things in this world that i hate. 1. racism 2. black people
People who sleep more tend to have a higher alcohol tolerance.
19 Guys, text her first so she doesnt feel annoying. boyfriend tips
It's Day 3 of Kwanzaa, Ujima! Ujima means 'collective work and responsibility'. Here at The Okra Project, everyone from our core staff + chefs, to volunteers + community members, make this little machine run. Everyone does their part to feed our folx ❤ï
Halloween is less than a week away, but who's celebrating this weekend? Tweet us some of your favorite treats and traditions to share!
One time I told my blind Nana to go on a seafood diet... She died a week later.
To be a true Believer is one of the rarest things in the world. Most people just exist, that's all.
Everybody keeps downvoting my racist jokes It's like a load of black people have suddenly gotten laptops or something.
That's it, I'm done with the gym. I look exactly the same as I did when I started working out. Biggest waste of 5 mins ever.
When you're happy, you enjoy the music, when you're sad, you understand the lyrics.
A lot of people think I'm stupid, but I just scored a 70 on my IQ test which is like a C, so the joke is on them.
Sometimes the smallest act of kindness can take up the biggest space in someone's heart
Don't just date a guy. Teach him a life skill Improve his life That way, he suffers regret should a breakup strike.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowlady? Snowballs!
They say you should take the stairs to get exercise, but I think I get a better workout doing sit ups and jumping jacks in the elevator.
*Being dragged from the halls of power again* GRAVES SHOULD BE VERTICAL IT WOULD SAVE SO MUCH SPACE JUST LET ME SHOW YOU
What do you call a gay philosopher? Pyfagoras
I still couldn't believe I had wasted so much emotions loving someone who called it quits for the reason being he wanted to avoid me suffering a heartache. So I got up and picked up the broken pieces...I forgot his existence and focused more on myself.
If you publish a book in Norway that passes quality control, the Arts Council will purchase 1,000 copies and give them to libraries. If it's a children's book, they'll purchase 1,550 copies.
Whoever needs to read this should know that your parents did the best they could with what they had.
I played way better than I expected for myself. I hit over .400 for the season and pitched 90+ innings. When the season ended I was already looking forward to next year, and making plans on how to improve.
The rich Vitamin E in Mangoes helps to regulate sex hormones and boosts sex drive sex health mangos
Now pass the Equality Act, please and thank you.
What did I do, what did I do, what did I do...
In Japanese "Kit Kat" roughly translates to "Sure Winner." Because of this, they're considered good luck among Japanese high school students and they often buy them before exams.
"I'm just not political" is so over. That time has passed. We need to hear your voices now. While you "find your voice" black people are being killed everyday. EVERYDAY. Trans people are being murdered back to back. It doesn't have to be poetry. Just sat it. BLACK LIVES MATTER.
What do you call a company that makes Mexicans? A MexiCo.
Reminds me of scene from Jaws.... LOL
"A loss of only 3% of your body's water content causes a 10% drop in strength and an 8% loss of speed" water dehydration
When you die what body part dies last? The pupils - they dilate
The Chinese government owns almost all the giant pandas on Earth and leases them to zoos for up to $1 million a year. Most zoos sign a 10-year "panda diplomacy" contract and pay an extra $400,000 if any cubs are born.
Causes: differential impact of statutes, differential police practices, location of offenses, racial bias, overburdened public defenders
Rub an ice cube on your face once a day to close the open pores & regenerates your skin health skin pores
potassium normalizes heartbeat and promotes the supply of oxygen to the brain. As a result, you feel more relaxed and focused relax
"We can ignore it all we want, but eventually our history comes back to haunt us."
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at your funeral to avenge your death? Vigil aunties.
I asked my Indian father for a PS3 He said "No beta, it's pronounced PH.D."
Use this time to become an entrepreneur. Start making an investment of your time and effort into endeavors that will benefit you and your family. - Dr. Josephus Shepherd STEI Reset COVID 19
When people say 'age is just a number', I'm always like, 'actually it's a word, idiot'
I've been having constant sleep paralysis In my last 3 dreams I was in a wheelchair
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with IBS? Well, one you have to shuck between fits...
Death is hardest on the living. It's tough to actually say goodbye. Sometimes it's impossible. You never really stop feeling the loss.
Wait a minute...why is that chick wearing my jacket? Haha. She took the Dean wig off and turned into a "Sam"!!! 200thEpisode
Why are gay guys with big dicks the first ones picked at the bar? Low-hanging fruit
Elephants are evolving to be tuskless due to decades of poaching. Usually, less than four percent of female elephants are born without tusks. However, there are currently elephant populations in which 98% of females are born without tusks.
"It feels like we've been livin' in fast forward, another moment passing by.' - Up All Night.
Stop worrying, wanting and wondering and just have faith that things will work out
"What is the point of a new start if there's always some dumbass dragging you back down."
Today I saw an advert for the suicide helpline on the back of a bus. I couldn't help but think, surely it would work much better on the front?!
You could go blind from drinking antifreeze. But what if you're already blind? Then it's just a sweet and delicious refreshment!
My girlfriend had a sexual fantasy to roleplay as a 14 year old in bed. I think it's pretty gross. Besides, she'll be 14 in 2 years anyway.
I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet." - Ed Sheeran
Sorry you hired me to film your wedding and I accidentally did heat vision.
The CIA publicly acknowledged the existence of Area 51 for the first time in 2013. The site was built in the 1950s.
My wife was a little puzzled when I suddenly bought some new beads for her abacus. Smiling, I said to her... "Honey, it's the little things that count!"
An atheist, a Muslim, and a Born-again Christian are seated together on a plane. They have a pleasant flight because they're not assholes.
Mark: "All you can do is be brave enough to get out there. You fought, you loved, you lost. Walk tall Tores."
The new iPhone should come with a bigger box... that way when you buy one and can't afford to pay rent anymore, you could live in it.
What 's the one thing that really pushes you to implement and work hard? Whatever it is; financial success, world travel, a happy relationship...focus on it until it becomes your obsession. Because once you have it, it will have you.
Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma  like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well  Grandma's very deaf so I'm writing very loudly.
A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot. The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.
What Do You Call An Israelite On The Himalayas? Mountain Jew.
True leaders don't look for titles or positions; they are too busy changing lives
You can have all the technology in the world, but still be living in the dark
Apparently 1 in 10 young Germans believe Auschwitz is a type of beer. I tried it once. It wasn't for me. Too gassy...
How many McDonald's workers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they can't climb the ladder.
Why haven't they installed a mirror on cars that only covers your blind spot?
My bio clearly says; "Quotes, spoilers and thoughts....." So don't get angry or whatever when you read spoilers you don't want, I warned you
Q6: How did you set boundaries to protect your mental health while away from home? BGS Back 2 College
Pray for Paris ❤️
the hamburger helper implies the existence of a hamburger master
"I'm going to pick up the pieces and build a lego house. If things go wrong we can knock it down" - Ed Sheeran.
Black people are trendsetters. Big tobacco has used the black panthers, women's lib, hip-hop, our celebrities to sell. Don't let 'em use us.
[God creating babies] God: Make them super cute, but also literally the worst.
Remember when we were little and we would accidentally bite a kid on the playground, our teachers would go "say your sorry" and we would...
What does your mom and my fantasy football team have in common? As soon as I put money on them, they suck.
I have just been kidnapped by a fat dude in a red suit, shoved in a bag and taken to the north pole and wrapped up. Who put me on their Christmas list?
What's the definition of endless love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
When you fight to honor racists, you show black Tennesseans and all of their allies where you stand, and you continue this cycle of hurt. You can't change history, but you can change this. ™
Male mice that eat yogurt have larger testicles.
It's okay if you have no idea what 'prefix' means. It's not the end of the word.
I'm not Catholic, but I've given up picking my belly button for lint.
robbers: [leaving with my tv] me: WAIT robbers: me: can you close the door
A man was addicted to pills and was told he needed help He decided to quit after one last pill, he took a viagra. When asked why he would take a viagra as his last pill he responded: "Old habits die hard"
Glitterex, one of the US' top glitter manufacturers, cannot name their biggest client because the client doesn't want it known that they use glitter in their product.
You ever have those people in your life who just take and take and take, and then they rarely say thank you or even show any appreciation? They have a word for those people, they're called toddlers.
Don't speak unless you can improve the tune of silence
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me I was like, "What the Hellmann?"
After 40mins someone finally answered. Just to put me on hold for another 15mins LOL. They don't want to let go. GODDAMN THESE LOOKS OF MINE! 24 hour fitness
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of? WIFE: I just...[sobbing]...don't want the kids to suffer ME: Eels
"'Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel. Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain." - Taylor Swift.
Fix your issues with shyness, nervousness and social anxiety by throwing yourself in the fire of group interactions. Find groups that share your interests and join them. Not online, in person.
What's your favorite place to cry? Mine is everywhere
"Every morning when you wake up you have to choice. Between ceasing what life offers in moment and forging ahead no matter the weather."
Learn how attraction actually works, change yourself to what women want, and watch the line begin to form.
I wasn't sure I wanted to have kids, but now that I have them, I realize how rewarding it is to get all those likes on social media for posting cute photos.
Even if you are on the straight path, you might get run over if you just sit there.
Best part of singing while you drive is that you have to keep your eyes open, even when you hit the high notes, which creates one of the most terrifying faces a human can make.
Why do we hate making up gay jokes? Because it's always a pain in the ass
The bags are available for pickup. TODAY between 5pm-9pm, and TOMORROW 11am-2pm and 5pm-9pm!
Use Extra Virgin Olive Oil which is considered the best, least processed, comprising the oil from the first pressing of the olives health
Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the steakhouse market? It was a big McSteak.
My wife said she'd be happy with any bday gift as long as I get her something with lots of diamonds. She'll love this pack of playing cards!
When a man falls off a boat, you say, "Man overboard!" What do you say when a woman falls off a boat? "Full speed ahead!"
What is a terrorist his favourite car? A Citroen C4 h
"It may seem like we have nothing to talk about, but sometime it's nice to not have to talk."
If you think about it a wheelchair is a shopping trolley to a cannibal.
Hello I will be at Sundance this weekend
Ok. Who needs a hug? Anyone? I'm giving some away rn for free!
Anyone want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure.
ADDISON: "Sometimes people do desperate things to get someone's attention. But there are two sides to every story."
There's no "I" in team, but there are 2 of them in "idiot".
I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend.
If you're not willing to step up to the plate, don't bother criticizing those who try and strike out
Why is Barbie not pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box.
Why did the hipster drown? He went iceskating before it was cool
[first date] Her: I love cats Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
"People run away from the line between life and death. You seem to stand on it and wait for a strong wind to sway you one way or the other."
Viggo and Naomi at their most gorgeously gorgeous in this film
I never date girls from china... That's a big red flag.
We are trapped in a nightmare.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5...
ME AT 21: I wish I had enough money to change the world. ME AT 31: I wish I had enough money to change my Brita filter.
The original word for 'bear' is unknown. A superstition during the Middle Ages made people believe saying its name would summon the animal. Instead, they would refer to them as "bear," which means 'the brown one.'
"There are some feelings that refuse to go away. They're little distractions whispering in your ear. Some things just get under your skin."
My depressed friend was pissed when I picked up his bottle of alcohol, but I was only trying to lift his spirits.
Having kids takes up most of a parent's energy. But no matter how exhausted my wife and I are, we always make sure to set some time aside to get together and argue about who is more tired.
[At work] Me: I could use a little help here. Brain: No. I don't feel like being productive right now. [At home in bed] Me: I'm exhausted. Brain: IT'S TIME TO SOLVE ALL THE WORLDS PROBLEMS!!!
Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Why was the Muslim arrested for speeding during Ramadan? Because he was going *to fast*!
"No one ever makes me feel like you do when you smile." - One Direction.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!! We hope you've had a great day enjoying time with family and friends! be thankful
The NRA was started by two Union officers who were dismayed by their troops' lack of marksmanship during the Civil War. *It's estimated that Union troops fired 1,000 rounds for every bullet that actually hit a Confederate soldier.
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this )
Vincent van Gogh didn't start painting until he was 28-years-old. In the 9 years before his death at 37, he created nearly 900 works.
What do you call a fat, smelly hermaphodite who gives blow jobs under the bridge for a nickel? Well, YOU call her mom.
My girlfriend - who is deaf - just told me: 'I seriously think we need to talk.' That's not a good sign.
Call me when Serious Rowling writes a book.
I told my daughter, 'Its always been my dream to walk you down the aisle.' She said: 'Dad, we're grocery shopping.'
Saudi TV Mistake Saudi Arabia TV reported the Brussels attack 15 minutes earlier than it actually happened. Saudi TV sincerely apologizes for this innocent mistake.
A Mexican got injured during a game of golf and needed stitches. I guess it was a hole in Juan.
Fun fact: Nudity is typically blurred out on TV because no one can get their genitals to sign a release form.
What do you call two gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael
The only 3-way I was ever a part of was getting the middle seat on a Southwest Airlines flight. Miss you, Ed, Tyrell.
Nothing offends a parent more than a person without kids complaining about feeling tired
This guy Frankie who has a little bit of the Blues is pretty cool! Greetings!
Morning everyone.. hope you'll join us LIVE streaming on Facebook right now!Super Soul Sunday
A real man takes care of his child no matter what the relationship with the mother is.
"Illness is a sign of weakness. Once they see it, they never look at you the same way again."
"And most of all, books. They were, in and of themselves, reasons to stay alive. Every book written is the product of a human mind in a particular state. Add all the books together and you get the end sum of humanity." —Matt Haig, Reasons to Stay Alive Books Connect Us
Robert Pattinson once dealt with an obsessed fan by taking her out for dinner and complaining about his life. He says he's able to bore people in two minutes.
Using alcohol to get over your approach anxiety severely handicaps you. Master that fear consiously and with full awareness and you will own the power to cold approach anyone anytime.
My Dad: I agree with Occam, the simplest explanation is usually the correct one Also My Dad: Apple changed my password again
The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. Whether good or bad, at least they're out in the open.
The worst part about betrayal, is that it never comes from your enemies
Welcome to tonight Auntie Red Tweet Tea.
Laurel House is a dating coach for celebrities, TV personality and host of "The Man Whisperer Podcast". On this previous episode Laurel shared the process of transitioning from small talk to having deeper conversations and creating powerful connections that make her remember you.
I bet Americans can't wait for Halloween. They put the 'eating' in Trick or Treating.
Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh. It turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.
Did you know humans are born with four kidneys? Two of them grow into adult knees. corny
If you’re reading this, tell one of your friends that they’re pretty.
As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.
Today is National Cold Cuts Day! What is your favorite deli sandwich? ¥ª
I finished my culinary class final. It was a piece of cake.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat. In the end, he came around.
The best relationships are ones with a balance of power and unquestionable commitment.
My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.
What do you call James Bond in a jacuzzi? Bubble-0 Seven.
There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa 1. You believe in Santa. 2. You don't believe in Santa. 3. You are Santa. 4. You look like Santa.
an important B vitamin is biotin a nutrient that forms the basis of skin, nail, & hair cells, lack of it leads to itchy, scaly skin reaction
The most common cause of death on the Oregon Trail were wagon accidents, followed by accidental shootings. The third most common cause was stampeding livestock.
Begin each day with a sound heart.
*Removes belly button lint *weighs in a 2nd time
Love is never ever simple.' - Clouds.
A 'nickelodeon' was a small type of theater where you could watch movies that cost a nickel in the early 1900s.
You don't just sit back and ride in a relationship. It invokes work from both parties.
internet: there are singles in your area me: really internet: ya you're one of them you fucking loser me: ah
Had to explain what irony was to someone at church. Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.
What hat does a Mexican wear to a funeral? A somber-ero.
The benefits of having kids include their cuteness, adorable cuddles, and using them being sick as an excuse to get out of absolutely anything you want.
They should change the name of the caps locked button to the yell button
When my kids are home, my phone goes in a drawer so I can give them my attention and not be distracted. Like a good parent, I want to be 100% present when I'm yelling at them for fighting with each other.
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands; There are no canaries there either.
Don't stop dreaming just because you had a nightmare.
How many Americans does it take to screw a lightbulb? None. Their President outsources the job to India.
What's the difference between Indians and Pakistanis? When a Pakistani has a red dot on his forehead it means he has about two seconds to live.
Emerguntina: Emergency and Routine. A way to live in the state of mind that you're constantly knowing that your reality is uncertain and things are going to happen.' Ayelet Shmuel, Head of Clinical Centers for Resilience in Sderot Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel
House reno question! Does anyone know of a good mosaic tile artist or website?
If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly.
Q: What did the skunk use to contact his girlfriend? A: His smellular phone!
Two windmills are in a field. One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?" The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"
The American Pygmy Shrew must eat three times its weight every day to survive. It has to capture prey every 15 to 30 minutes, so it can only ever sleep for a few minutes at a time; a full hour without food means death.
Have you ever had an Ethiopian breakfast? Neither have they.
The truth about the truth is..it hurts, so we lie.
There are people out their happier with less than what you have
When a comedy writer prefaces their statement in a writers room with “Just to say it...” it means “I’m about to unravel the work we all did for the past few hours.” PLEASE CAN WE PHASE OUT THIS PHRASE
Ask Dr. V is a new addition to OurselvesBlack. College students submit questions about a variety of MH issues black mental health
Time has a brilliant way of showing us who really matters
watermelon provides substantial energy as it is concentrated with B-vitamins which are responsible for a lot of ur body's energy production
Occasionally I deliberately place an unexpected item in the bagging area just so I can hear a womans voice talking to me.
My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives. I'm tired of his mine games.
How come old clothes are "vintage" but old people are "nasty over-entitled thugs whose blind selfishness mortgaged America's future"
I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick". She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied "you just ask nicely".
Is anyone watching The Morning Show on Apple TV Plus?
LGBT Girl Scout Leader Arrested She was thrown in jail for eating Brownies.
I like how our one year old will eat a screw he found on the floor, but won't eat my wife's lasagna. In fairness to him, her lasagna is terrible.
I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me. I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.
Reminder to my massage therapists: the less you giggle the more I tip.
What do you call a hooker with no limits? Your mom.
What do you call a rich Chinese person ? cha ching
Billy Crystal was initially offered the role of Buzz Lightyear in "Toy Story," but turned it down. After watching the movie, he said that his decision was the biggest mistake of his career. His remorse for turning it down led him to accept the role of Mike Wazowski years later.
Damn, this is going to get ugly," I thought. As my wife removed her makeup.
This is one of those days I wake up dreaming of disappearing into the Canadian countryside and start work on my long-delayed dissertation and then remember I would probably have to graduate from college first.
My Welsh mate was found dead yesterday. He died the way he would have wanted to go... He passed away peacefully in his sheep
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties? Wife: she asked for a pony.. Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN'T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
If I don't make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die. - the lady in front of me
The hot chick I hooked up with last night must be a Berny Sanders fan... Because when I went to go pee, I could feel the burn.
Grudges are a waste of mental energy. Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time? Toot-in-common.
Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six-offender.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
What do you call a Muslim optician who doesn't give a fuck about his patients? Asif Eyecare
*on a first date* Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret
Me: I'm terrified of random letters Therapist: You are? Me: (Screams) Therapist: I see Me: (Scream intensifies)
What do you get if you cross an illiterate african american with an illegal hispanic immigrant looking for a green card? A U.S soldier.
A husband asked his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?" She replied, "Because I don't like calling you at work."
Why focus on tobacco w/ all of the other issues blacks face? Because it kills us more than anything else, breaking down family structures.
I remember when I knocked out the school bully, I thought I'd be an instant hero, but apparently it was 'appalling behaviour' for a parent.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts. It's half empty.
Squirrels will adopt abandoned babies if the parents cannot be found.
Muscles, six packs...Body image issues are a big deal in today's Gay Community. The extremes gays like you and I go just to feel accepted in our own community is unbelievable, deplorable.
Getting a hot girl doesn't depend on your good looks or personality, it depends how big your knife is and how slow she runs.
Prawns are also a rich source of selenium. Selenium is believed to prevent the growth of cancer cells in the body prawns cancer
When she makes eye contact and breaks it looking downwards that's a strong indication she likes you. Especially if she smiles when she does it.
Porn addiction is one of the reasons why a lot of guys are unable to connect with and create meaningful long-term relationships with girls. On this previous episode, Matt Dobschuetz shared his story of being addicted to porn, how he broke it and re-strengthened his relationships.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I'm rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Hummus as a whole contains plenty of Omega 3 fatty acids, which are great for improving intelligence & maintaining a healthy heart health
What is the definition of a will? Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
How much does a midget stripper with three kids get paid? Mini-mom wage.
Just because I'm Irish doesn't mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Oh I loved High Fidelity! This is sad news
A German walks into a bar and orders a martini, the bartender asks "dry?" The German says "Nein, just one"
What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun only has one trigger.
What defines us is how well we choose to rise after falling.
Immigrants are like sperm millions get in but only one works.
What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet? Precubescent
What hurts you today, makes you stronger tomorrow.
Yesterday is history. tomorrow is a mystery. but today is a gift. that's why its called the present. - Kung Fu Panda
Sometimes it's better not to talk.
Do you think friendship breakups tend to be much hard to deal with than romantic ones? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
6:30 is the best time on a clock Hands down
I saw two blind dudes fighting the other day and I yelled "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!" Both of them ran away.
Instead of checking IDs, bars now make sure that people can't name 3 YouTube Stars.
" I recently met this dude. Anytime it's time for a date something comes up. We've missed 4 dates so far. Is he serious about this or it's me being desperate?" - Copied
Education is one factor. Less educated people are more likely to engage in risky health behaviors like smoking. MMH Mchat
I wish there was a Mormon version of The Bachelor. That way none of the women would have to be eliminated.
"I think I'm gonna lose my mind, something deep inside me, I can't give up.' - Fireproof.
What do you call a gay fly? a maggot
Only thing that sucks harder than on-hold muzak is on-hold musak that clashes with the actual music playing in your house.
Whenever I see a newborn baby, I realize they have absolutely no clue how many binge-worthy shows they now have to catch up on.
Love is the bridge between you and everything - Rumi Happy Valentines valentine s
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I joined cross fit because I'm really angry at big tires
What do you get when you cross a policeman with a skunk ? Law and odor.
Never argue with a fool. Listeners can't tell which is which
[first day as a waiter] Customer: Can I get a water with no ice? Me: is that a preference or because of an allergy? Customer: ....?
Women in menopause with low estrogen can benefit from eating a handful of edamame daily. It's a good source of natural estrogen menopause
What's Hitler's favorite Chinese food? Lo mein kampf
Susan Rice, one of the shining lights of the Sherlockian world, died today. A scholar, teacher, author, and inspiration. I met her in 1969. She was at that time my only connection to a Sherlock Holmes tradition going back to the 1930's; she was also my first feminist ideal.
Broccoli is high in potassium, which helps maintain a healthy nervous system & optimal brain function and promotes a regular muscle growth
...if any at all. It 's really important to me to prioritize those who will always be thought of as last, if thought of at all. ' In what started as an effort to give $50 to 50 Black trans and queer people, Moore's generosity has stretched far past that, with them adding that...
Why did the feminist fail algebra? Because she thought 2x was the answer to everything
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
I used to date a girl called Anna Ward She was a trophy girlfriend.
What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes? Nothing.
It was a thrill to talk with @HowardStern about his new book and the evolution of his long career.
I pointed the gun in my wife's face I said, 'Any last words?' Two months later, I shot her.
I read a book about a transsexual woman with a speech impediment.. It was titled 'Man or Myth'
I recently got sick at the airport. My doctor says it's a terminal illness.
"Human skull found in Greece shows Homo Sapiens left Africa almost 160,000 years earlier than thought" Damn right we did, look at the state of the poor bastards who decided to stay.
I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.
How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or maybe just complimenting you on your driving?
How did Helen Keller break her arms? She tried to read a road sign going 45mph
We have to take back the authority to define who we are. - Dr. Grills Black Minds Matter
What happened after the ugly man married the beautiful blonde? They had a wedding reception.
Accept what happened, and have faith in what can still be
Your right lung is shorter than your left lung to make room for the liver. Your left lung is narrower than the right to make room for your heart.
As soon as space travel is possible I'm moving from the Milky Way to the SoyMilky Way galaxy. I'm Galactose intolerant.
Want some juicy Hollywood gossip? After three drinks, I sometimes mispronounce 'Charlize Theron.'
I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life
What's a feminists favourite type of math? triggernometry
What's the difference between racism and the chinese people? Racism has many faces...
Tried to pardon my turkey and he sued me for wrongful imprisonment and defamation.
Everyone may not choose or be able to Breastfeed; we applaud the outreach efforts of those involved in Black Breastfeeding Week, BBW 13.
A website made sure I was human before I was allowed to sign up for a model train newsletter. That's right, robots, screw off. This is OUR hobby.
When our kids were babies, my wife and I played them Salieri instead of Mozart, and now they've grown into jealous, brooding schemers.
What's the difference between a midget and black people? A midget is a small problem. Black people are a huge problem.
What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and ebola? At least Ebola will finish me off
What are french journalists good at catching? Bullets.
me: i don't know anybody here i feel awkward prison guard: shut the fuck up
Loving Vy's prayer.. is what Maya always taught me.. when the crisis comes say 'Thank YOU, I know you got me'!Queen Sguar
Saying sniggers isn't very politically correct I now say laughrican americans.
Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard? ...neither did she
Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Christmas, the side chick is you!
New Year's is right around the corner and so is the 2015 TOUR Wives Golf Classic at WM Phoenix Open!
The recipe said, 'Set the oven to 180 degrees.' Now I can't open the oven as the door faces the wall.
What do you call a cold Jewish person? Iceberg.
What do you call a caveman that wanders around aimlessly? A meander-thal.
What color is the wind? Blew.
Stephen Hillenburg, creator of "SpongeBob," was a marine biologist. When he pitched the show to Nickelodeon, he presented a fish tank and explained what was living inside. He then put SpongeBob's drawing in the tank and said, "This is SpongeBob, the star of your new show."
Women love a man brimming with confidence. Because without that, what is there to destroy?
I went to my doctor because I couldn't stop giving my girlfriend oral. He says I have Minge Eating Disorder.
I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.
A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves" The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief"
What is the prettiest thing about a DC girl? Her resume.
We had a gender reveal party where my wife got mad at me in front of all our guests and I cried so it turns out the gender reveal was I'm not a man.
What Should You Do After Ireland Wins The World Cup Turn off Fifa and go to bed
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
My friend likes to make carvings of people of religion in his spare time. You'd like a punchline to this, wooden jew.
What do you call an annoyed lobster? A frustacean.
doctor: you're completely blind me: what are you saying doctor: april fools lol you're actually deaf me: what doctor: oh right
Oh I see. You think this has nothing to do with you?
“An historic” is technically correct but feels pretentious. What else is correct but too fancy
How to get a Netflix special the hard way: do stand up for a decade The easy way: be a serial killer
Lipton Ice tea contains 54 g of sugar that equals approximatly 11.38 Teaspoons of sugar...
How do you greet a gay Hispanic?  Homo Estas!
How do you know a chinese thief has broken into your house? All of your rice is gone, your computer is fixed, and the mother fucker is still trying to back out of the driveway.
What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.
"Living with a woman who can't love you back? Way lonelier than being alone."
Jogging increases endorphins which r hormones released by the brain and are associated with happiness jogging brain
"The antioxidants in tea are called polyphenols which have repeatedly been shown to improve cognitive function and memory" memory tea
I just saw a guy running down the street with a cape on. I shouted "Are you a Superhero" "No" he said "I haven't paid for my haircut!"
We have never missed a payment. Our promise to our donors is that we will always be there...You can help yourself and Israel at the same time.' - Matt Bernstein, Chief Planned Giving Officer Powered By JNF JNF On Demand
There comes a point in your life when you realize who really matters, who never did, and who always will
All food I purchase should read: "Serving Size: Probably This Entire Box In Less Than An Hour, You Fat Fuck."
Very interesting research about the fact that we can only meaningfully manage 150 close relationships. Do you have that many people close to you? Problem Areas AFROPUNK Solution Sessions
Until I became a parent, I didn't know it was possible to resent people who don't have bags under their eyes
I want to sleep my way to the top but like in a bed just sleeping. Then I wake up and BAM I'm on top.
*Signing the Fed-Ex guy's form* That's a lot of kitty litter, sir It's just litter Pardon? It's not kitty litter if a cat doesn't use it
I put coal in my kids' stockings not because they were bad but to needlessly increase their carbon footprint.
"It's a relationship. People make mistakes. And you stand back waiting for him to fail, so you can say: 'Ha, now I quit.'." - Dr. Wyatt
Old wounds teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think, but that's not the way it is, is it?
Trying to get a girl to respond to your texts or trying to get her engaged in the text conversation is not what you should be using text for. You'll learn why this is a big mistake and the right way to use texting to get the girl.
If I could play any musical instrument in the world, it would be a violin that has twenty million dollars hidden inside it.
Yeah it hurts, but it won't be like that forever.
What musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails
starter: on your marks, get set [crabs line up at starting line] starter: [fires gun] GO [all the crabs run sideways, toppling into a wall]
Twitter won't inform someone that you've muted them, so make sure you tell them yourself.
Mark Twain was born on the day when Halley's Comet flew past Earth. He once said, "I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it." Mark Twain died on April 21, 1910â the day after Halley's comet returned.
Broccoli helps repairing skin damage thanks to the glucoraphanin it contains which helps skin to detoxify and repair itself skin health
In 2006, Bao Xishun, the tallest man in the world, helped save the lives of two dolphins that swallowed plastic. After multiple failed attempts using regular tools, veterinarians called Xishun to use his arms. He reached in and successfully extracted the plastic shards.
I ordered the Olive Garden 'Bottomless Salad Bowl,' and it led me to Narnia.
Only the sick truly understand the blessing of health
What did the fat pig say when the farmer  dumped corn mash into the trough? "I'm afraid that's all going to waist."
Adversity introduces a man to himself.
I hope someone invents a wifi connected ouija board, that way I can continue arguing with strangers on the internet after I die too
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning morning caffeine
To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night, I'm not letting you out!
Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office? Because it was a mail dominated industry
Why are snakes measured in inches? Because they don't have any feet.
I like the fact that Harriet Tubman will be on the $20 bill. It's good to have a black woman represented on American money. It just sucks that it will only be worth $12.
In 1992, Slash from Guns N' Roses overdosed in a hotel hallway and was in cardiac arrest for 8 minutes before being revived by paramedics. He played a show the next night and said he "was pissed off at himself for dying."
I’m just getting a little worried that the only way to feel alive right now is to purchase things.
No rules for success will work if you don't.
Worker bees are all female, and they're the only ones that can sting. The males are just used for reproduction.
FB/Insta is basically the largest country in the world and has become fascist. "Post how we want you to post or pay us to reach your audience." They also have been advising to "post meaningful things" but then keep their algorithm a closely guarded secret. It shouldn't be allowed.
Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf ... but he didn't listen.
Be kind to mean people, they need it the most
Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have
How do you blind an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.
ME: Look, I don't want to kill you, I'll open this window so you can fly out. BUG: [smashing into wall several times] Like this? ME: No. BUG: [Circling open window, then smashing into roof several times] Ah. I see. Like this. ME: N- BUG: [flying in my open mouth] Got it.
I just told a group of teens they were "lit af" and to "stay extra woke". I have no idea what any of that means, but I've never felt cooler.
I just found out Canada isn't real Turns out it was all just mapleleaf
Upon death, instead of having my whole life flash before my eyes, I just want to watch Season 3 of The Sopranos again
Amish girls have no way of knowing if it's a romantic candlelit dinner or just a regular dinner
For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Jeremiah 29:11
Two blonds are having a conversation when one says to the other "I had sex with a brazilian last night" The other blond replies "WOW that's a lot of men"
What did the Gay techie say? I do queries.
As a black female student i find myself always anxious about my future I often feel like I 'm not doing enough. I am the first to do a lot of things and then just trying to figure out this whole 'life' thing. How do I calm myself and keep myself less anxious and worried
I was on a plane about to crash when a female passenger shouted "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman... is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" So I stood up, removed my shirt and said "Here, iron this"
"You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me." - Mayday Parade.
You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say? Poetry
The more time you spend complaining about your problems, the less time you'll have to fix them
29 Always make sure she knows you're there for her
All black & blue berries have phytochemicals known as flavonoids-powerful antioxidants which protects the body from damage caused by aging
There are earthquakes on the moon. They're called "moonquakes."
"I love your daughter. And I protect the things that I love. Not that I need to. She doesnt need it. She's strong and caring and honorable."
Caffeine is the most commonly used psychoactive drug in the world.
her: what's this writing on your hand me: I was cheating on an exam her: it just says "hand" me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
What did the Indian boy say to his mom before he left? Mumbai
A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, "HIJACK!" All passengers got scared. From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, "HI JOHN!"
What's the difference between Jesus and Mexicans? Jesus doesn't have Mexicans tattooed all over him.
[job interview] Boss: Your resume says you're a perfectionist Me: Yep! Boss: Except you spelled perfectionist wrong Me: I'm sure it was a one off Boss: You had 15 other typos Me: I'm a perfectionist other than that Boss: You're wearing your shoes on the wrong feet Me: Hmm
The best part of guys night out is at the end when we order a dessert and share it with 2 spoons
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
*Lady gives balloon to my son* ME: What do u say? SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing SON: Oh. Thank you
"The greatest wealth is health" Virgil
Now that everyone has more free time on their hands, any chance we can finally get around to changing the name of sour cream?
Here at the Newburgh Wal-Mart with Youth.First, great start for our "Stuff a Caddy" Event!
And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is everything.
"Do you ever feel out of place, like somehow you just don't belong and no one understands you?" - Simple Plan.
How many men does it take to fix a women's watch? Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!
All I want for Christmas is you baby!
What are some of your favorite black queer artists?
Cop: You get one phone call Me: Can I have a text instead? None of my friends answer unknown numbers
The Simpsons were colored yellow to make the series quickly recognizable to people surfing through television channels.
A good relationship starts with good communication
Mystery writers Mary Higgins Clark and Michael Connelly are here with Harlan Coben for our murder mystery evening!
In Lady In Red, when Chris de Burgh sings that he's 'dancing cheek to cheek' with the lady in red, is he talking about cheeks on the face or butt cheeks? Waiter: I meant did you have any questions about the menu
"Humiliation makes you shorter. So yeah, I am scared of getting hurt, 'cause one more personal disaster now, would cut me off at the knees."
The other day I tweeted about a married black woman hitting on me #blackwivesflatter
Rabbit: I got kicked out of my cage for not  paying the rent. My wife walked out and took our twenty-nine bunnies with her. I'm all out of carrots. What should I do? Friend: Don't worry; be hoppy!
my mom: so i guess robbers broke into our house, drew all over the walls with crayons, but didn't steal anything five year old me: shit's wild i know
If you want to hide a surprise birthday gift for your husband in a spot where he will never see it, put it inside the refrigerator beside the ketchup he can never find.
Child beauty pageants are illegal in France to prevent the hyper-sexualization of young kids. Punishment can be up to two years in prison and fines of up to $30,000 for adults who try to enter children into illegal pageants or run illegal/underground shows themselves.
Chemistry, either you've got it or you don't.
The best gift a man can give to his woman is his time, attention, and love.
"What didn't kill me it never made me stronger at all" - Ed Sheeran
How did you come to a place of self-love? When did you arrive at that place? Or is it continual? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common? Both look good until they hit the ice
What's the difference between the ISIS headquarters and a kindergarten? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
What do Eskimos and Ziploc bags have in common? They both like a tight seal
If the team I'm cheering for loses, it's usually my fault because I didn't yell the right plays at the TV.
A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up and down and nipples sticking out in the cold. His colleagues have kicked his fucking head in!
I was kidnapped by a gang of mimes. They threatened to do unspeakable things.
What kind of organization is Atheism? Non-prophet.
The Rock had a baby girl today. I hope he names her Pebble.
How did Jesus feel when they crucified him? He was cross.
An Egyptian man won't accept that he is a bad swimmer, so he jumped into the river... He's still in the Nile.
The body is designed to compensate for loss. It adapts so it no longer needs the thing it cannot have but sometimes the loss is too great."
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
Rest in Peace to Phife Dawg, a member of the hit group A Tribe Called Quest, who lost his battle due to his health today.
The best feeling comes when you realize that you're perfectly happy without the people you thought you needed most.
In the beginning of a relationship, it is critical that you behave independently so you don't come off as needy or desperate, both of which kill attraction fast. You'll learn how to do this, so that not only will be she feel attraction to you, but will also fall in love with you.
What should you do when life gives you melons? Get tested for dyslexia.
Two lovers saying a sad goodbye at the train station, complete with prolonged hugging, kissing, and crying... except with me and my bed in the bedroom every single morning.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats. This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Envy is the burning desire to have everybody else become as pathetic as you
"regular intake of vitamin E is essential to maintain healthy skin, hair and blood vessels, and preventing cancer" vitamin E
Yo mama's so fat when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.
The movie "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" was released as "It's Raining Falafel" in Israel.
Okay y'all...ill be attempting to live tweet the west coast feed tonight. God help me. I'm nervous. Action Ackles SPN Fami Iy
If you look up the definition of responsibility in the dictionary it just shows a picture of an adult looking sad.
I asked my girlfriend what book she was reading. She replied "It's a mystery." I said "Doesn't it say on the cover?"
"I think love isn't enough anymore. Is that possible? ?That two people can really love each other and it just isn't enough.."
Webber: Go be a damn doctor. People are dying. Now go save a life. Right now.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye's Chicken commercials keeps calling me "Honey" so we'll see where that goes.
You have a lifetime to work, but your children are only young once
If you show me your boobs, I'll show you my tattoos. Tit for tat.
Luckily I never started vaping because there were many conclusive studies stating I would never look cool doing it.
Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood  test.
I saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other this morning. Gives me hope for the future. Or at least another Rush Hour movie
The worst possession is being obsessed with possessions.
I keep my head held high because I know there's a beautiful deaf, mute & blind woman out there that's going to find me irresistible one day.
I saw 2 men mugging an old lady and I asked myself if i should help but decided that 3 would be overkill.
[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
Behavioral health equity includes getting meds affordably so that we can have healthier lives MMH Mchat
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
How many bones are in a human hand? A handful
Green Horizons gave me perspective on life.' Mai, Green Horizons Volunteer Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel Green Horizons
If she broke up with you and moved on with her life, it is counter-productive to create hope for getting back together. It's better to move on too.
Mike Tyson loved raising pigeons when he was young and the first fight he ever got into was with a kid who ripped the head off one of his birds. Tyson said the pigeon was the first thing he ever loved in his life.
People just oughta stop being so awful to each other.
Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" Dad: "No sun."
What has a 10 foot neck four legs and loves money. A Jewraffe
You know why we never see retarded black kids? Because God only punishes once.
A cobweb is just a spiderweb that has bacon, hard-boiled egg, and cheese in it.
What do you call a team of Christian mutant superheroes? The A-Men
One day your life will be like a movie and flash before your eyes, make sure it's actually worth watching
Q: What's a little quicker than a shark? A: The Little Mermaid on her period.
Reindeer are the only mammals that can see ultraviolet light. It helps them see things in the glowing white of the Arctic that they would otherwise miss, like white fur, and urine.
God's Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse's body? I think you're just in a bad mood. God: ALSO MAKE IT BLIND AND SCREECHING
You know there's no official training for garbage men? They just pick it up as they go along.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I'd see it in the wild.
In 2017, a man created a fake restaurant on TripAdvisor and asked for good reviews. It became the number 1 restaurant in London and received hundreds of calls every day for bookings. For one day, he set up a "cafe" in his backyard and served frozen food, receiving rave reviews.
More like Yawn Steinbeck More like Lames Joyce More like O.K Rowling More like Plain Austen More like Ayn Bland More like Hackiavelli
My Arabic neighbours are expecting.....they are having Ha-bibi.
"Even when the night changes, It will never change me and you." - Night Changes.
Women picture this - it's 15 years from now, the big eyebrow trend has gotten out of control, and now you no longer have a face, it's just one giant eyebrow... and it's gorgeous.
Being a baby is like being black out drunk. You throw up and poop your pants, don't remember any of it, and the photos are all over Facebook
22 Never lead her on boyfriend tips
"The" is the most spoken word in the English language.
Why worry? If you've done the very best you can, worrying won't make it any better. - Walt Disney
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right
I heard a black woman on the phone today. As did every other fucker within a 14 mile radius.
I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters. Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
In 2005, a 12-year-old Ethiopian girl who had been kidnapped and tortured by men attempting to force her into marriage was found being guarded by three lions that chased off her captors.
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?" I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
"Prunes contain high levels of vitamin A and beta-carotene which a vital part to play in sustaining healthy vision and combating acne"
This service is our pride and joy because it truly speaks to the heart of our mission of not only providing food, but fellowship and a friendly face in a world that often brutalizes Black Trans folx. We want to resume serving a minimum of 20 clients per month, wish coats $1,800.
We transitioned our toddler from his crib to a big boy bed today and I cried harder than he did, but at least I wasn't overly emotional about it.
My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues. I'll show him.
There might be plenty of good food choices in College.. .. but you can't Top Ramen
Did you hear about the gay French baker? Faguette
Italian Guy with a problem What do you call an Italian guy with one arm shorter than the other?  A Speech Impediment :)
What's the best way to grease a Ferrari? Run over an Italian.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick Mostly because his name is Steve
I can't believe no one has come up with a cure for anorexia yet. I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Marvel have announced their first transgender super hero. Wonder Womb-man will be in cinemas this summer....
For the first time in her life my wife was stunned into complete silence last night... I love my taser.
A man got a car for his wife Now, thats what you call a good trade.
Avoid office romance the best way you can. No matter what you read online, office romance defies basic work ethics, mostly ends in disappointment.
The game. They say a person either has what it takes to play, or they don't.
STEELY DAN: I'm Steely Dan POLICEY DAN: Hands up, scumbag.
Men with beards 50 years ago: 'I'm going to the woods to chop down some trees.' Men with beards today: 'I'm going to the shops there's a new face mask that's gluten-free.' *We're all doomed*
The tragic foolishness of most of us men is thinking our treasure is between our legs when INDEED it is between our ears.
Why don't rabbits like beer? Because it messes with their hops
clase azul tequila is my new shiiiiiiit
If cupids didnt have wings, theyd just be fat little baby assassins with crossbows.
How do you know if a Muslim is laughing online? He types, "HALOL"
"Life's too short for you to give in. So fight, you fight for what's yours."
"It sounds like you, when I close my eyes, all the stars align, and you are by my side.' - Once In A Lifetime.
Did you hear about the gay midget? He came out of the cabinet.
If an infomercial suddenly changes to black-and-white, you need to brace yourself. You're about to see a harrowing shot of stubborn, baked-on cheese.
Texas Church Massacre Southerland Springs. How many more of these do we have to endure before something changes?! 😡
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock. corny
How do blonde braincells die? Alone. 
ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem. HOUSTON: Interesting, and yet when I have a problem you are off in space nowhere to be found. Hmm.
What was Hitler's least favourite month? Jew-ne
Young lady to father "Daddy when I grow up shall I become a heart-doctor or a tooth-doctor " "Dentist" "Why father ?" "We have only one heart but 32 teeth!"
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
"You've never did anything crazy for love?"
I went to a large bookstore ... ... and asked the lady at the counter, where the self-help section was. She said if she would tell me, it would defeat the very purpose of it.
Seriously though are people just not watching Righteous Gemstones
Just found out today is officially Eggnog Day. What a crazy coincidence. Life is funny sometimes.
*Follows proper washing instructions on 10% of the clothes I own* It feels good to be the most adult person on Earth.
I once thought I had a Japanese friend. But it was just my imagine Asian
strongest human urges: 1. sexual reproduction 2. getting someone to feel a soft thing that you just felt to prove how soft it is 3. hydration
Refuse to settle for anything less than excellence in your life. From yourself and from others. Let excellence be your standard. Produce excellent work. Be excellent.
Yesterday my wife broke down whilst telling me she had Parkinson's. She was even less impressed when I told her to 'get a grip.'
Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11? Americans can't milk a cow for 14 years
I had the wife in stitches last night. That'll teach her to overcook my steak.
If you're having a bad day, just punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their parents?
Nearly 3,000 euros are tossed into Rome's Trevi fountain each day, totaling over a million in a year. People regularly try to take the money; however, it is illegal to do so. The money is used to fund a supermarket for people in need.
I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately it doesn't have a home page.
I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight. - Jessie J
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.
Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.
Be intentional about placement in environments where you are valued and safe. Guard connections with your community.
A hot shower can unblock a stuffy nose and help relieve cold symptoms.
A young stunning Brunette came into my office today saying she was being constantly sexually harassed and wanted a new position... 'Doggy style' was not the best advice.
Hey tweet iatric ians - what's one message you want all parents to hear? I'll go first. I don't need to 'see the fever' or 'hear the wheezing' to believe your child is sick. Please GIVE the fever reducer or inhaler if your child needs it. Med Twitter parenting
"Can you chase away the darkness?' - Pierce The Veil.
My girlfriend left me for an Indian guy. It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well. I heard they worship cows
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.
"Just when we think we figured things out, the universe throws us a curve ball."
Lewis was a key figure in the Civil Rights Movement. A colleague and follower of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., he joined the Freedom Riders in challenging segregated buses and was the youngest keynote speaker at the historic March on Washington in 1963 at the age of 23.
Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting  round playing on the Internet you'll be fat and useless when you grow up. Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!
I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating, but I think I've pulled it off.
What do you call a German with a bad attitude? A sour Kraut.
A lawyer was caught jerking off in a grocery store. The arresting officer asked the lawyer "Why did you do it? Aren't you afraid of going to jail?" The lawyer responded, "I knew I'd get myself off"
A yellow pigment in curry and curcumin can stop amyloid plaques in the brain that cause Alzheimer's alzehimer's curry
C.S. Lewis nominated J.R.R. Tolkien for the 1961 Nobel Prize in Literature. The Nobel prize jury rejected the nomination, stating, "the result has not in any way measured up to storytelling of the highest quality."
Yo Dog! A three legged dog walks into a bar. It say's I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number. I told her we use names here.
What type of blood does a keyboard have? Typo corny
How do you get a little old lady to yell the F word? Get another little old lady to yell "Bingo!"
Did you know some people have me blocked? 😬
Wife: can you change the baby Me: oh thank god. I'm so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will Wife: I don't mean swap it for a new one Me: ...
Come on Pizza!!! I'm dying here. Pepperoni Dreaming
Praying for our neighbors south of us! pray for louisiana
Watching Unsolved Mysteries on Netflix is so frustrating! I keep forgetting it's got UNSOLVED in the title But I keep can't stop watching them!
Putin persecutes homosexuals in his own country... ...then goes and enters another country through the back door? Very mixed messages from Russia.
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..." "Stop eating caterpillars!"
For christmas i bought my girlfriend a pair of shoes and a dildo. That way if she doesnt like the shoes she can go fuck herself.
The only reason God created Albinos is so black people can see how ugly they'd be if they were actually white.
I'm not one of those people who claps when the airplane lands... what I do is I let out a short scream because the wheels hitting the pavement usually startles me
"I can't help but wonder. What if I had one more night for goodbye?' - Little Mix.
"Some nights I'm scared you'll forget me again." - Fun.
Don't put the key to your paradise in someone else's pocket
All out of clean spoons so I guess I'll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
What did the father Buffalo say to his son as he left for school? Bison ROFL
His son asked him what gay meant. Son: Dad, what does gay mean? Dad: Happy son. It means happy. Son: Then are YOU gay DAD? Dad: No son...... i have a wife...
Don't worry. If it's supposed to happen, it will
What does a gay man and a rhubarb have in common? It's not right to call them a fruit.
No good deed, no matter how small is ever irrelevant
My wife can't find her hair clips but she remembers what I said 6 months ago on Tuesday the 24th at 5:30pm. FFS.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
Why were the two prisoners good at grammar? Because they were always thinking about their sentences.
One of Uber's self-driving cars crashed in Arizona. Evidently, the car couldn't stand to hear one more passenger say, 'But it's a dry heat.'
LA parents! What is a great toddler gymnastics class you love? The one my kid is currently enrolled stinks.
We want to thank each and every contributor that 's made this possible and that will continue to make the objective of Ourselves Black attainable.
I love having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my seventh favourite Dinosaur is.
Okay kiddos...here we go! 200thEpisode don't get scared now!
When a girl is given a gift she treasures it like it is worth a fortune.
Whats black and white and eats like a horse? A Zebra
Change is literally the only constant in all of science. It's the way people try not to change that's unnatural.
YOU: I don't understand kids these days. Me: [equipped with the knowledge that comes after 46 years of studying anthropology, sociology, child psychology, and global culture] They like doing that fortnite dance.
Fellas: You can't be mad that she's INDEPENDENT if you can't be DEPENDED ON!!!
Twenty years ago: Is it because I is black? Yes, that is the reason you're being mistreated. Now: Is it because I is black? Yes, that is the reason you've been cast in a film role ahead of far more appropriate actors.
I sought The Lord and He heard me and delivered me from all of my fears -Psalm 34:4. On that note: Good Morning
What do you tell a smelly Japanese person? Takashawa.
To this day, no band has outdone The Beach Boys in singing about a car's technical specs.
I got fired when I asked a customer if he preferred smoking or non smoking. Apparently, the correct terms are 'cremation' and 'burial'.
Everything at the bottom of the ocean looks like something Jim Henson would make if he was filled with hate instead of love.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I got a job as a bounty hunter in China. Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!
"I believe, for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending."
My kids don't believe it when I tell them how in my day, you could get an avocado toast for just $7.
What do we want? TO STOP BEING EASILY OFFENDED When do we want it? THE TONE YOU'RE USING IS DISRESPECTFUL
Just tell me you love me, like I love you. You know you do. - Toy Story 3
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for you, slow down to test their door holding resolve.
The internet and social media is like digital mental illness. Some of it is happy, some of it is sad, but most of it makes you say 'wtf is wrong with this place?'
He was imperfect but there was no question he spent the last half of his life building his arc of redemption with his wife, his children, and his community. Maybe that was something I wish I had seen more of, both in my own life and in public life and I trusted it. I'm not sure.
You may not be able to go back and start a new beginning, but you can start a new chapter today and make a new ending
Daddy what is a transvestite? Ask your mommy He knows it.
What is a perfect society formed by a Asian called? A Yutopia
Today may not be as good as yesterday, but there is still something good in every day
I don’t care how many times I see it, I will NEVER comprehend the fact that people have to use GoFundMe for medical bills in this country.
If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian Then soviet.
When I tell a gay joke people say I'm homophobic and it's hurtful to gay men. I'm not homophobic but I just think if you can take a cock up your ass, you can take a fucking joke.
A policeman stops a car... Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
Vit E is a fat soluble anti-oxidant which plays a role in skin integrity. Some foods rich in vit E Sunflower Seeds, almonds, papaya, avocado
What's the difference between Michael j. Fox and an earthquake? Earthquakes stop shaking
So far, the Puppy Bowl has managed to avoid controversy, mostly because puppies can't kneel.
What's the difference between a refugee and E.T? E.T learned English and wanted to go home.
What is 32% black, 45% white... ...gets lit up and changes to blue and red at night? Chicago.
Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations corny
[at petting zoo with our child] Me (whispers to wife): later when we get home, do you want me to take you to the heavy petting zoo? Wife: Do you mean sex? Me: Yup Wife:... Me:.... Wife: ... Okay, sure. Me (confused): I can't believe that worked
'With about 30% of their calories from protein, lentils, have the third-highest level of protein, by weight, of any plant-based food'
what does the Jewish pedophile say to an elementary school kid? Hey kid, want to buy some candy?
👗 Timeless and versatile. We drew inspiration from classic silhouettes and patterns to make sure you're still wearing the collection next season! Now Genx Kohls
Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA
What is similar between the life of an Ethiopian kid and the hype of Call Of Duty: Infinite Warfare? They're practically non existent.
Arizona: "There will be people lining up for you." Callie: "You wanna give me some names?" Arizona: "I think you'll know."
Life is but a moment, so let it be a moment of obedience
"You think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife?"
My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.
hey y'all today was my last day with The Wing. I can't stop thinking about how grateful I am to have my health and an incredible community of people who continue to love and take care of me. In fact, I already have multiple bottles of wine on the way so CHEERS to ME LADIES!!!!
Death Valley National Park reached a temperature of 130F on Sunday, possibly the highest temperature on Earth in at least 107 years, according to the National Weather Service.
The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, "papers?" I said, " Scissors, I win" and drove off. I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
In every gay relationship comes drama, insecurity, infidelity, uncertainty and heartbreaks. The ability to overcome these hurdles is the only secret to a successful, long-lasting relationship.
I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician. And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money. So I got out of bed to look with him.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ? Because it's the scenter...
I once caught NASA's Curiosity rover flipping through my diary.
Children are amazing. My 1 year old got a hold of the TV remote for 5 seconds and in that time somehow managed to change the default menu language to Vulcan.
Before becoming a famous comedian, Steve Harvey was homeless for three years. He slept in his 1976 Ford when gigs didn't provide a hotel and bathed at gas stations and swimming pool showers. Today, Steve Harvey is worth an estimated $180 million.
Your own sins should distract you enough from focusing on the faults of others
In 1836, a sewer worker accidentally discovered an old drain that ran directly into the Bank of England's gold vault. He wrote the bank's directors, requesting a meeting in the vault at an hour of their choosing. He popped out of the floor to greet them.
I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that's what makes me a woke bae.
Who won the Tour de France in 1940? the Sixth German Panzer Division
What do whores do on their days off? Spend their fucking money.
If the earth was flat and fish swam over the edge, where would they go? Trouter space.
No, Karen .... Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh is NOT a Jewish law firm.
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white? A Penguin rolling down a hill What's black and white and laughing? The penguin who pushed him
What do you call a crocodile that loves guacamole? A guacodile.
I make out with guys that wear Abercrombie & Fitch cologne because it rubs off on me & I love how it smells, but shopping there is SOOO gay.
Greetings followers! This week we'll b sharing links about Anxiety disorders and symptoms as part of Mental Health Awareness Month mhm2012
I don't have many queer friends and I recently fell out with my closest queer friend. I'm really hurt by this situation. Have you ever broken up with a friend, can you give me any advice?
Why can't black people get their PhD? They can't get past their masters. rofl
"Maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her, because you don't destroy the person that you love."
Amigo: Bro you look so young! What's your secret? Me: Naps
I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs. She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."
The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital. "How is she?" I asked "Very critical," replied the officer "The fuck is she complaining about now?"
A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success.
'Sorbitol is very good for your skin & is found in grapes & berries, plums & pears & seaweeds & algea. It helps skin retain moisture' skin
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside.. So I called a toe-truck.
"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy."
Mourning imperfect humans is ok. That's the last thing I will say. Go hug your loved ones. 41 years old. I can't fucking believe this.
i wouldn't wish this hellish reality on any human and especially not her, but man do i often think about what Toni Morrison would say to us in this moment
21 Guys, send her Goodnight and Good morning texts<3 They can make her day. boyfriend tips
I always knock on the fridge before I open it Just in case there's a salad dressing
lemon juice when applied topically helps in lightening the skin tone which helps in countering the effects of hyper-pigmentation
"A cup of raspberries contains sizable portions of your daily recommended intake of vitamins B2 and B3, potassium, magnesium and copper"
Sometimes you have to cook ur own food and jerk off in front of your girl to show her that she can be replaced.
Imagine how crazy cow sex must be... they're wearing leather all the time.
I can’t believe he’s gone.
Don't have an IDOL habit, but how could the USA vote Pia off? I may be done for the season! HANX
What have you done wrong if the wife keep complaining when you try to watch TV in the living room? You made the chain too long in the kitchen.
I was eating at an Indian restaurant when a homeless man came in and asked the girl behind the counter if they had any food he could have. She told him there was Naan.
My ex wife died so to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast] Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. The worst trick he pulled was that 'Got your nose' thing.
Soccer player calls his wife after a game... Player: "I scored two goals!!" Wife: "Great! What was the end scored?" Player: "1:1"
woman holding her infant son and watching her young daughter while smoking !!! ... Off Lamar and 10th WTF?!!!! Cigs and kids no Bueno
What do you call people who hate long sentences? Criminals.
We increase our impact when we partner with organizations to Act Against AIDS globally. WAD 2017 PACT 4 HIV
Pregnancy stretch marks can be reduced with Rosehip Seed oil. It can also be used for stretch marks associated with weight loss
Why do churches ban Wi-Fi? Because they're still waiting for the promised LAN.
Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!
My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.
As a mother yourself, what advice would you give about adopting a child as a queer woman? A single queer woman. Auntie Red Tweet Tea
A recently fired stock trader said: "This is worse than a divorce, I have lost everything and I still have my wife!" 
During pregnancy, if a mother suffers organ damage, stem cells from the fetus can be used to repair the organ.
Congrats to Candace Cooper for competing in the US Olympic Trials for the 100 back! blackgirlmagic black kids swim change the tide
Don't destroy somebody else because you were destroyed
My wife has started wearing a 'Refugees Welcome' T-shirt and you are not going to believe how she has been treated. She's been chased, beaten, kicked, punched and spat upon. And she hasn't even left the house yet...
Adrain from Houston left a voicemail asking how to get comfortable with cold approaching. So on this previous episode I shared my story of how often I went out to approach girls, how it became second nature, and how you can do the same by taking baby steps and having persistence.
Anuptaphobia is the fear of being or staying single.
Some studies show that application of pomegranate seed oil can help repair cuts, pimples & other breaks on the skin for a smooth skin acne
It's Womens History Month. Good time to explore the state of black women's mental health. How is this time in our history affecting us?
ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck. CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.
Motivational speaker: Do something that scares you every day Me: *Answers phone call from unknown number*
if going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions
You are younger today than you ever will be again. Make use of it.
Wise men don't judge they seek to understand.
This shift is a marathon not a sprint.
Love is a verb. Without action, it is merely a word.
I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You've probably seen our posters.
A goal is a dream with a deadline.
What do my wife and my math teacher have in common? They both love to create problems that I am apparently supposed to solve.
And whosoever puts his trust in Allaah, then He will suffice him' [65:3]
Yes. Working on tobacco free policies is a life and death matter. make smoking history spread truth
Before I met my wife I was incomplete.. Now I'm finished.
Me: Here's everything I ate today Calorie counting app: You're disgusting
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon. I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
What happens when you get more than you payed for with a Mexican Gigolo? The second coming of Jesus.
When you talk, you are repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something you never knew before
Promise me you won't forget about me, ever, not even when I am a hundred. - Christopher Robin
What's brown, black and blue and lays at the bottom of a ditch? A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes.
Does anyone know if doctors could take some of my butt flesh and graft it onto someone who isn't a relative? Ass skin for a friend.
My wife is upset we can't afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
My friend thinks he's smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Why is everyone investing in Ireland? ... because the capital is always Dublin!
Wife: I heard one of my coworkers refer to his wife as his 'old lady'. I hope you don't call me that when I'm not around. Me: I course I don't. Why would I refer to the person I care most for in the whole world with something so degrading? I call you my 'old battleaxe' Wife:...
Mer: "I don't want you to date other people. It may not be enough for you, but I'm trying here so I don't want you to date anybody but me."
What sound does a Japanese camera make? "Crick"
My wife said that if I don't get off the computer she'll slam my head on the keyboard... ....but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
Ben and Jerry's employees get three free pints of ice cream every day.
As a poet, where do you draw your inspiration? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
How do you fit 4 gays on one barstool? Flip it over!
Mint Tea is a much better name than Mouthwash You Can Swallow.
I'm so glad we have a way to communicate with everyone on the entire planet. What a time to be alive where you have unlimited access to 7 billion people's opinions on politics and religion.
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
Why can't a priest take viagra? Because it says on the label to keep away from children
Let your satisfaction with your love life be determined by the goals you set for it. Not by the presence of a certain girl. Keep your power. Never give it away.
Goofy tripped over a stone and got hurt Mickey Mouse : Hey Goofy ! Are you okay? Goofy(crying) : No i got hurt on my knee!! Mickey Mouse : Oh No ! Which knee? Goofy(pointing to his leg) : Disney
Me: Where are my car keys? Brain: Not telling Me: Come on, please? Brain: Okay, fine I'll tell you.. but not until you're late for work M: Ugh
Turn off the news and love everyone
Deforestation is leading to more infectious diseases in humans. As land is being cleared throughout the world, wildlife is being forced to migrate for survival, increasing the transmission rates between animals and people.
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000 Mario: Why? Judge: It's a fine. Mario: No itsa not.
"I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God." Mother Theresa ❤️
To my fellow hikers: that noise I made when the butterfly came toward my face was a terrified shriek of delight.
wife: Do you want a bowl? me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Welcome to your 40s... you now enjoy bragging about how early you go to bed.
A heads up to girls on Facebook .. if your status says "single" and your profile picture is you with your cat - Well then no fucking shit
doctor: we're going to have to amputate your arm me: wow i gotta hand it to you- doctor: shut up me: ok
To all you Phx Con 2015 goers, thanks for a great weekend. And welcome to the Family.
"If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it'll cause problems."
My Wife's will stated that she wanted her remains to be scattered at the school she used to teach at. I probably should have read the instructions a bit more carefully... Apparently, she wanted to be cremated first.
What do black people get after death? Nigger mortis
Protein helps repair cells that have suffered free radical damage. Make sure to eat eggs which also contain biotin, which hydrates dry skin
Congrats to 11 yr old Rayven Custis, beat the field by 8 seconds and dropped 4 seconds off her personal best for an A time of 1:13:35
How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, but my basement's still dark
"I'm tired of feeling bad. I'd rather feel nothing. It's better, it's easier." - One Tree Hill
Tweet me a character and I will tweet a quote from them!
Chipotle goes through about 250,000 pounds of avocados every day.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do ? Diddly-squats.
Michelle’s speech will be the ASMR video that lulls me to sleep for the next year.
What's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?
me: [opening spotify] does your car have bluetooth getaway driver: [holding bullet wound] shut the fuck up cop: [from intercom] pull over now other bank robber: i'll try to shoot out their tires me: great idea todd hey do you have an aux cord or anything
What is the most effective way to quit being vegan? Cold turkey.
So my lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday... They got me a Rolex. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".
In 2015, a Singapore Airlines cargo plane had to make an emergency landing after its load of 2,000 farting sheep set off a fire alarm.
What is black, heavy, and can't swim? A grand piano.
Restraining order Why did Mary get a restraining order against Black Beard the Pirate? He kept trying to plunder her booty.
Live your life now! Tmrw isn't guaranteed
When I started designing this Now Genx Kohls collection, it was important to me that my values were communicated in both the design and construction of the garments. This collection is:
When your day starts with salaah and ends with salaah, everything in between seems blessed!
Don't let the bonds of blood keep you tied down.
"Even on the worst nights, I'm into you." - Paramore.
The way you make a woman feel good when she's around you, is by being relaxed, saying what you're actually thinking and having fun with her.
Rosehip oil is credited with for helping get rid of scars, including acne scars & old scars. Massage the oil on your face every night acne
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet? Wait until he's finished.
Envy is the consuming desire to have everybody else as unsuccessful as you are
Don’t tell Bradley Jackson to stick to a script ‘cause SHE AINT STICKING TO THE SCRIPT, BABY!!!!!
We're getting to a place where the Supreme Court seems less respectable than the Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme.
Fellas: Protect her. Love her. Kiss her. Hug her. But don't make her fall for you if you don't plan to catch her.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Martha Stewart: you can't go wrong with festive centerpieces Me: you said you'd be chill if we let you smoke with us, Martha
Why was the horse kicked out of the country western bar? He was a homosexual.
Don't worry if a fat guy comes to kidnap you... I told Santa all I want for Christmas is you.
Did you hear about the blind porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!
Boys are 4 times more likely to be diagnosed with autism than girls.
I love my job working as an ambulance paramedic. I get to read some pretty funny, half-finished text messages...
Is that mine? I was walking down the street when I saw black guy with a laptop. Is that mine? I thought. It looks exactly like mine... but that can't be... Mine should be at home cleaning my shoes.
The Circle Of Life 2019 - Asking your kids for computer help so you can help your parents with theirs.
if u feel dizzy, put your head between your knees. it'll help increase blood flow to ur brain & bring down the feeling of lightheadedness
Housewives in India own 11% of the world's gold. More than the reserves of Switzerland, Germany and the United States put together.
In a 2012 study, people scored higher on a mental agility test when wearing a lab coat that they believed was a doctor's jacket. However, they didn't do as well when they thought the same white coat was a painter's robe.
Don't you just hate it when the guy sucking you off turns out to be gay
What do you call an Asian penguin? A penguyen
The only thing Flat-Earthers fear Is sphere itself.
I like my women the way I like my coffee in a basket being touched by many Colombian men.
The clitoris has almost 8,000 nerve endings. But it's still not as sensitive as the woman it's attached to.
My wife has been walking around the house sighing for the last 20 minutes. I can't decide if I should ask her if something is wrong or just leave the house for a few days.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
A man on crutches walks into his local Ice-Cream shop.. He asks the lady behind the desk for a Knickerbocker Glory. She says; "Crushed nuts?" He says; "No, a sprained ankle"
[Air guitar competition] *Neil deGrasse Tyson walks in* 'Technically this is a 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, 0.9% argon, and 0.03% carbon dioxide guitar competition.'
I see my evil twin sit down in the audience. We've had our problems in the past, but I'm sure he won't spoil my recital. He seems to have a bag full of snakes. Probably unrelated.
What do you call it when a person has a fear of Vietnamese food? They have a Pho-bia!
Tomatoes r high in lycopene which boosts the levels of the procollagen that helps skin stay young young skin health
Q: What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican? A: Oil of Ole'
Gary Gygax's wife was convinced he was having an affair, so she followed him to a dimly lit basement to catch him in the act. She burst into the room to find him hunched over some hand-drawn maps and Gary would go on to invent the game "Dungeons and Dragons."
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger... Then it hit me.
"To all the guys who refuse to remain shy and insecure, may this work transform your life into the confident, charismatic, and attractive man you 've always wanted to be."
That said, there 's only so much exposure to violence against black bodies that we can consume before it starts to consume us. Listen to those signs that you need a break, or perhaps shouldn 't watch that latest viral video
My wife's a biology teacher... This morning she asked how I wanted my eggs. I told her, "Ovariesy."
Possible Cure found for Dyslexia; A spokesman said... "There's light at the end of the toenail"
what do you call the offspring of two lesbians? A hermaphrodike
Don't fear change. You may lose something good, but you may also gain something great.
Barack Obama was the first sitting president to publish an academic paper in a scientific journal. It was the most popular scientific journal article of 2016.
When your child has a public meltdown, the best thing you can do as a parent is look disgusted and pretend they're someone else's kid, because you don't need that kind of embarrassment in your life.
When I get old, instead of a walker, I'll use a shopping cart to help me walk... people will think Im homeless, and I probably will be.
Takeaways day 1 AAP 19 - Start talking about screen time BEFORE 12 mos of age. For obese children, focus on appetite/hunger control NOT dieting. Posterior tongue tie may or may not be a thing...but it should NEVER be treated with a laser. Get to sessions EARLY if you want a seat.
"A woman's heart is an ocean of secrets." - Titanic
Let him know that you love him, that you consider him sexy and that he is the one who protects you, who helps you the one you need..
How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb? None if nobody's looking.
Dark chocolate: the flavonoids in it absorb UV light, help protect & increase blood flow to skin, & improve skin's hydration & complexion
This tweet is just a humblebrag that I can spell 'cantaloupe.'
Let's talk about sax, baby Let's talk about brass and reeds, Let's talk about all the woodwinds, strings, percussion, at the symphony.
Sometimes we have to remember the most important history is the history we are making today.
My wife sent me a text that read, "If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!" I replied: I'm on the toilet please advise.
People of all pronouns are hot.
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants? Store worker: Why do you ask? Egg plant: Yeah, why do you ask?
Send me the funniest tweet you've read from someone who is not you and I'll RT the ones that make me laugh.
White lies are fine. Don't tell a black lie though. Black lies matter. ROFL
Eating cheese after a meal can protect your teeth. It counteracts the acid left behind by bread, sweets, citrus, and soda.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
The thirst reflex only appears when our bodies are already dehydrated so don't wait until you are thirsty health water
Apparently the scenes where "Dean becomes a woman"..they just simply used the "Sam" wig. Instant chick hair. Get it?
What do you call a muscular Arab A protein sheikh
My girlfriend said to me that she wanted me to tease her, so I said, "All right, fatty."
"In health, Black 40 is like the White 75." Have you had your colonoscopy? Blackish
"You've gotta get up and try." - P!nk.
Why isn't Hitler in Mario Kart? Because he cant finish a race
"We don't have to be ordinary. Make your best mistakes. Cause we don't have the time to be sorry." - Shawn Mendes.
We could end all crime if we just sentenced convicts to lick the bottom of a Chuck-E-Cheese ball pit.
In 1789, being a member of Congress in the U.S. was considered a civic duty, and they were only paid 50 cents a day. When adjusted for inflation, the yearly salary for a member of Congress was only about $5,000 a year in today's dollars.
Wanna know what's the most racist game ever? Chess. They never EVER let Black go first.
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
Whats the hardest part about cooking vegetables? Fitting the wheel chain in the oven.
I was having sex with a woman last night and she kept screaming this other guys name. Who the hell is this "Rape" fellow, anyway?
What's the process for applying to a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."
What did Hitler say when he put on a blindfold? "I can Nazi."
Nah now it’s gone
I loved Between Women when it was out. Was that your first acting gig? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
A double-amputee walks into a bar Then he remembers he's already legless and walks out again.
Women prefer wireless bras because they're comfortable and they can connect to the internet.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that tiny thing?
What do Japanese cannibals eat? Rawmen What do Japanese criminals run from? Rawmen
Michael Jackson's Super Bowl XXVII halftime show was such a success that ratings increased halfway through the game for the first time in Super Bowl history.
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it. Eventually she came round.
Wife: 'I'm going to clone myself" Me: 'That would be just like you.'
"I don't need pretty and I don't need perfect. What I need is for this to work."
My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
Hippies got their name from 'hipsters.' Who were marijuana smoking, sarcastic, jazz fans in the 1940s.
Good cop: Tell the truth and it'll be more better for you Bad cop: If you don't, it'll be worser Grammar cop: I hate both of you
[First day as a career counsellor] Them: I want a career where I make people happy every day Me: You should become a pizza delivery driver
Whats the difference between a canoe and a jew? One tips the other doesn't.
How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher? When the old one expects you to "do your share"
What are the judges talking about? Tynomi looked REALLY great!!!! I'm so confused.
Sometimes the smartest thing to say is "nothing"
Nothing says "We have no faith in our own products" like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.
It is better to be alone, than in the company of fools
ME: I mean, you have super powers, we could go save those people right now. INTROVERTO: [wearing pajamas] But what if they think I'm weird?
Our donation fund and shirt sales have reached $1,000 with many calling in to be screened as potential donors. That's an incredible milestone, but we still need any help you're able and willing to give. My dad and I thank you all so much for your support. I'll never forget it.
What did the ship say to the sexy ice-berg? I'd hit that.
Why did the blond climb over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
Boss - Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here. Me - Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow. Boss - What time will you get here? Me - Monday.
The "Pledge of Allegiance" was initially written as part of a marketing strategy to boost the sales of American flags.
strike leader: WHAT DO WE WANT crowd: A FAIR WAGE me: [way too late] A PET BEAR
Butter is rich in the most easily absorbable form of Vitamin A necessary for thyroid and adrenal health
Hello sir, I'm from your internet provider. You recently said that "homosexuality is wrong", so we've blocked you from seeing lesbian porn.
Why can't the Chinese be Nazis? Two Wongs don't make a Reich
This 'deep fake' technology is getting eerie. Today I spent fifteen minutes watching an Aerosmith concert, only to discover it was just a video of someone's scarf collection.
Everyone was excited to be at our autopsy club this evening. It was open Mike night.
ME: Wow, that documentary about WW2 was really intense. I'd like to watch more like that. NETFLIX ALGORITHM: May I suggest That 70's Show?
If you haven't started 'I May Destroy You', start now. It's so masterful. Michaela Coel...what a woman.
Why do midgets make bad parents? Cause they struggle to put food on the table
There are no mosquitoes in Iceland.
A bald guy in a turtleneck sweater looks 97% like a roll-on deodorant.
I like my women like i like my computer Turned on On my lap Virus free
Can u b gay n grow old? Yes! Can u b gay yet HIV -ve? Yes! Can u b gay n have kids? Yes! Can u b gay n married? Yes! Can u b gay as a Christian? Yes! Can u b gay as a Muslim? Yes! Can u b gay and not drag? Yes! Can u b gay n have family? Yes!
Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final
My son was playing on one of his video games when he screamed out that he'd just won a life. I thought how ironic.
Roughly 20% of genetics papers contain errors caused by Microsoft Excel or similar spreadsheet programs.
There are three ways to cook a hot dog: Boil, grill, and, I just discovered by accident, dry clean.
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means? I said "yeah, the drain is clogged again. "
Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.
"When the sun rises, you have to take responsibility for what you did in the dark and face yourself under the cold harsh light of the day."
Do you have experience with a school that has a threat assessment system? Do you think it 's helpful for students? problem areas afropunk solution sessions
Toddlers have it made. Imagine being so free from worrying about your appearance that you're not even bothered a bit that you're only wearing only one sock.
"I will make sure to keep my distance, say 'I love you' when you're not listening." - Christina Perri.
If you call someone from America American and someone from Mexico Mexican what do you call someone from Tibet? Chinese
Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me. Luckily, my other dad talked him out of it
Great candy bar: Charleston Chew. Not as great: Myrtle Beach Masticator.
Batman has beaten Superman more than once.
"Here's a few magazines to get you started" 1. If you're European, something you might hear in a sperm bank.... 2. If you're American, something you might hear on your way to school...
A woman walks into a gynaecologist's office for an exam. She gets on the stirrups and the doctor says... "You have a really huge pussy. You have a really huge pussy." The woman replies, "You didn't have to say it twice." The doctor says, "I didn't.
A white couple doesn't just simply 'have a baby' without posting a pic of them showing her growing gut every day for 9 months.
A 2010 global survey found that one in five adults believe aliens are among us, disguised as humans.
After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.' 'Fair enough' I replied, and felt her breasts.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight. Sigh
Time to do the same thing I do every year at this time: hire the FBI to figure out who my Secret Santa was in 1995. I will find you, candle-giver.
Better to try and fail at something important, than to succeed in something that isn't
The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi.
Billie Eilish was 11 months old when 8 Mile came out
I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked. Then it just clicked
As we look forward to season 13 plans- which Supernatural characters from the past would you like to see back the most & why? SPN Family
"If you only knew me, we could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievable. Instead of just invisible." - Taylor Swift.
interviewer: what's been a lifelong dream of yours my brain: ok just say something normal- me: slappin a penguin right on the tummy
"I'll Just Wait Here Then" make me laugh every time. Classic. 200thEpisode
What do you call an overused tyre? Tyred.
My wife and I are like an old pair of shoes... one of us smells like old feet, and the other one has a really long tongue.
"There's this baby, up in nursery. He's brand new. No one's neglected him or damaged him yet. How do we get from there to here?"
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Going to attempt a Mexican joke. Hope it's a good Juan!
Naming a child is hard. Do you name him something creative or original and risk that ruining his life? Or give him a normal name and let it be ruined by emotional baggage later on
I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them. corny
Fifty Shades of Grey was disappointing. All those blindfolds and not a single person swung at a pinata.
If my girlfriend has six oranges in one hand and seven apples in the other, what has she got? No chance of blocking an uppercut.
If your girl got her nails done today, be sure to let her know her fingers look sexy af
Some people bring blessings wherever they go, others whenever they go
LION TAMER: I'm a lion tamer. LION: For now.
A teaspoon of lemon juice in half a glass of water relieves heartburn heartburn
The ten things men like about women. . . . . .
Nobody has ever become poor by giving too much charity
Why do Jews always seem to find spare change laying around? They cents it.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? It's not enough to change the bulb; we have to change the *system*.
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.
He puts his arm around your neck. He's the type of guy that wants you to know that he cares for you and enjoys your company
Although, I've noticed a lot of Jews taking offence to 'Wu Ping Cough' on behalf of the Chinese... Ok then, Holocough it is.
A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.
Bruuuuh, I'm craving Aguachiles rn. ¥º
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
The other day I brought myself a universal remote and thought to myself well this changes everything.
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
Honey's glucose content absorbed by the brain and in the bloodstream reduces fatigue and boosts energy honey energy
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
What do you call a Jewish feline? A yama-cat
Human activity has caused global wildlife populations to decline by nearly 70% over the last 50 years, according to a report from the World Wildlife Fund.
In Hell, the radio is only the Kars for Kids commercials.
The mountains aren't just funny, they're... Hill areas.
Our college student question was about being aware of structural and individual racism without being consumed by it - an issue that has consumed black Americans for many, many years
Me: Are you mad because I said you sound like a bell when you get mad? Her: DING DING DING
The liver is a unique organ in the sense that it can regenerate itself, unlike other organs such as your heart and kidneys. You can lose up to 75% of your liver, and it'll grow back in one year.
Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle.
Race-based Institutional apathy or even aggression can be difficult to confront. One can feel powerless, sad or angry or a combination thereof. And this list is by no means exhaustive. ask dr v, ourselves black mag
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight? Sir Render.
What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
67 million Americans don't speak English at home. This includes my family because we don't say a word to each other.
What do you call a helpful lemon? Lemonaid.
What happens when a tree has a one night stand? It leaves.
What is a Muslims favorite type of vinegar? BalIslamic
I'm like a wild animal, girl... I'm more scared of you than you are of me.
I like when advertisements for Mercedes or BMW show in my social media timeline because of how much they have grossly overestimated my income.
The writing staff of Futurama collectively held 3 Ph.D.s, seven master's degrees, and totaled more than 50 years at Harvard University. Writer, Patric Verrone, said: "We were easily the most overeducated cartoon writers in history."
Season 13, here we come!!! Thanks to all those who have kept us going this long...what a life changing ride it has been. SPN Family forever!
Why did ancient Egyptians love beans? They made Tootin' Common.
Why were the two homosexual melons protesting at city hall? Because they cantaloupe
Evan hust tryin to help.Very defensive that Gently. Cherish The Day
Simple way to get my kids to brush their teeth and do their homework: if they don't, they have to be a guest on my podcast.
If it is really important to you, there is no doubt, you will find a way to make it happen.
romans: [whipping jesus] jesus: i swear this is one of those random boners
Right after landing on the moon, the crew of Apollo 11 was supposed to sleep for 5 hours. They didn't because they figured the excitement would keep them up, so they began preparations early.
Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"
My friend got drunk and thinks he had sex with a prostitute... At first he wasn't sure, but then he was *positive*.
Never go to bed angry. Sleep on the couch.
My super power is apologizing to inanimate objects after accidentally walking into them.
Jew problems An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!" The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."
A single banana provides a third of the RDA of vitamin B6
Alligators can live up to 100 years. Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
Two gay guys are hanging out, and one says to the other, "Hey, let's play hide and go seek! Loser gets fucked in the ass... I'll be behind the couch."
Yo momma's pussay is like the white house: No bush, and there's a black guy in there now.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers.
How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.
RMSCswim 10 yr old Elena Harrison takes 3rd in age group at Junior Olympics 100 fly 1:07.75 bks junior olympics
I try so hard not to upset my vegan girlfriend. I'm constantly treading on eggshells. Which she also doesn't approve of.
The Navajo have a tradition of celebrating a baby's first laugh. After three months, babies are closely watched for their first real giggle. The person who elicits the first laugh then throws them a party.
My lecture to a room full of cats was going great until I started pointing at things on the power point with the laser pointer.
A colorblind person logged onto Facebook the day SCOTUS legalized gay marriage... "Hey everyone, why are you all advertising for '50 Shades of Grey'?"
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
"You were like coming up for fresh air, it was like I was drowning and you saved me."
The greatest discovery of any generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.
Having finally given up my drug addiction, I dumped my weed in a house haunted by ghosts and now my spirits are high.
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility. If only they could see me now.
What do you call a prematurely born Chinese baby? Sudden Lee
"You don't leave the people you love alone."
Lady Doritos are a lot quieter, especially after you piss them off... then they really give you the silent treatment.
It's pretty hypocritical that you can't shorten the word abbreviation
[ultrasound] Dr: your baby is 7mm in length Me [whispering to wife]: ask him Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Twitter announced they will let advertisers target users based on the emojis they tweet. Bring it on, poop companies.
Children who watch documentaries develop critical thinking about society and the world documentaries tv
Yo momma so old.... She has a separate entrance for black men.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread [At the next table] Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
me: so i only get one phone-a-friend cop: can you stop calling it that
What did the husband tell his wife to do after he slapped her? The same thing he told her the first time!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Red wine drinkers are more likely to be introverts who love to travel and enjoy early mornings. White wine drinkers are more likely to be night owls and extroverts, according to a 2019 study. National Red Wine Day
Dragonflies are among the most adept predators on the planet. They're lethal to other insects, missing an average of one prey in twenty.
The best part of watching a toddler soccer game is when the coach calls a timeout and all the kids think they're in trouble.
Holocaust, the Musical. Putting the 'sing' back into ethnic cleansing.
Here is an overview of my A to Z step-by-step system for meeting girls, starting fun conversations, creating attraction, going on more dates and getting into casual or long-term relationships with the type of women that YOU want.
*At a party* STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit? ME: No I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
WHat's the worst part of being a black jew? You have to sit in the back of the gas chamber
"A slight dehydration can produce small but critical shrinkage of the brain, impairing neuromuscular coordination, concentration & thinking"
I'm sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns
What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.
...At the dawn of the 21st century, racism remains a suffocating blanket that does not allow us to breathe. - Frantz Fanon Black Minds Matter
Look at how dilated his pupils are. The Pillsbury Doughboy was totally on drugs.
A deaf person with one arm technically has a speech impediment
Did u hear about the leper poker game? everyone threw their hands in
"I can't lose you again. I can't. Not again. I'm not strong enough." - The Incredibles
Man I love that song! The Weight The Band nice work Post team.
Lovin that music collection! Cherish The Day
My gf broke up with me, saying "You believe you're a Transformer. It's stupid." I said, "But, I can change!" She said, "There you go again!"
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I was so nervous when airport security started frisking me that I lifted my arms and accidentally started doing jumping jacks
"Ex -boyfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean, that's just, like, the rules of feminism." - Mean Girls
All she wants is attention. How hard is it to give it to her?
How to get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve...
*Seeing war break out* ME: Not to worry. This is just like a video game. *I take one step outside and immediately get killed by a 14-year-old*
What is the difference between Chinese people and Albinos? Chinese people have many Tans.
Don't trust people who don't put the lids on things properly
As a people, we have been survivors of every traumatic period in this country...Slavery, Jim Crow, Lynching, the War on Drugs... Yet, we continually have HOPE. - Dr. Bruce Purnell black minds matter trilogy of trauma trauma black children
Trying to make a list of things that are worse than Mondays and all I've got so far is Hitler and Christian Rock.
I like my women how I like my bicycles. Chained up in the garage and two tired for movement.
The authors of "Curious George" evaded the Nazis and the Holocaust by escaping France on a bicycle. Margaret and H.A. Rey rode 439 miles from Paris to the border of Spain with a few belongings and their unpublished manuscript about a playful monkey.
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
What do you call it when a homosexual asks a question? A Query.
You are worth too much to lose.' - Joe Jonas.
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad... He wanted to be a millionaire too.
I just found an origami porn channel, but it is paper view only.
Word to the wise - be cautious when assessing a physician based on online reviews alone as there may be very little truth to them. 4/4
In Spanish, the word "burrito" means "little donkey." They were named so because they can hold many things, like a donkey can.
Actress Emilia Clarke survived two brain aneurysms and founded a charity called SameYou, which helps treat people recovering from brain traumas and stroke.
My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Still praying for our little town. Winds picked up this morning creating a perfect storm of bad for firefighters. peace be still ™
Why do elephants drink? To forget.
Happiness favors the one who has patience.
If "berrylicious" isn't a real word then why do you know what it means?
How you advise someone is almost as important as what you advise them about
As someone who has autism, how do I navigate dating? I don't want to reveal information like that on the first date but at the same time, I don't want girls to judge me and think I'm acting weird on a date. Auntie Red Tweet Tea
"Why can't you look at me like that?' - I Wish.
"He takes your hand, I die a little, I watch your eyes, and I'm in riddles. Why can't you look at me like that?" - I Wish.
What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo.
Why do horses have such a low divorce rate? Because they're all in stable relationships.
Your time is valuable. And waiting for something to happen with a girl who may or may not be interested is one of the biggest time wasters. So I'm going to share the one fool-proof way to find out if something is going to happen with her or if your time is better spent elsewhere.
Adapt or die. As many times as we've heard it, the lesson doesn't get easier.
Why do all online recipes have endless pages of the chef’s whole life story about the recipe and then on the 12th page is the actual recipe? I just want the recipe! I don’t need the Modern Love essay on how you came up with it!
I watched the bonus features on a porn movie today. It just showed a woman crying in the shower, washing all the cum out of her hair.
Heard a news story about a village in Africa where everyone's dying of thirst. I sent them a Get Well Soon card.
Thanks for all the FF today! They always make me happy, you guys are the best. Can't believe i'm about to hit 11k! Big good night kiss!
The best thing about being black is that you won't have ginger kids.
"3 signs of a hypocrite: when he speaks he speaks lies, when he makes a promise he breaks it, and when he is trusted he betrays his trust."
The discord just crashed because too many people want to enter the pump, more info will follow!
Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot
Girls at hooters may be hot. but when it comes down to it, the ladies at subway are the real wife material..
Inspirational tweet: Don't spend too much time writing and reworking your tweets, because when you're done they're probably just going to suck anyway.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell today. Technically he said, 'Less McDonald's' but I'm pretty sure I knew what he meant.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get math joke
Bees stop buzzing during an eclipse. Researchers recorded the buzzing of bees during the 2017 North American eclipse using tiny microphones and found the bees were active until moments before totality. Then they all went silent at the same time.
Okay I was feeling down and you guys fixed it. Your power.. 💋🌟
What kind of weed do reptiles smoke? Mariguana. corny
Your toughest challenges have the best rewards
Today's recipe for increasing anxiety: Bach's Brandenburg Concertos P.G. Wodehouse's Mulliner Nights Susanna Clarke's Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell Louis Armstrong's Hot 5 Listening to Amy Poehler read her memoir "Yes, Please." Not all at once obviously. That would be chaos.
"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." - Pooh
Steven Spielberg wanted to direct a James Bond film but was turned down. After telling George Lucas about it, Lucas said he had a film that was like it, but even better. It was a story about an archeologist named Indiana.
What kind of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs.
Only family could be your worst critics and your strongest supporters
*hot lady looks at me* Me: Hi! Do I know you? Lady: No I think I'm mistaken. *awkward pause* Me: So...is there a mister taken? *hit by bus*
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie? He only eats Brians.
My dad told me to make little things count? So now I'm teaching maths to dwarfs.
I finish reading the part of the bible about The Virgin Mary. I close the book, gently place it down on the table, shake my head, and take a deep breath. 'Wow. Relatable.'
I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned  and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen."
Those who throw dirt only lose ground.
I've been to Italy so many times. I love the culture, the food, but most of all I love the vibrancy of the people. Now Italians are being brought to their knees as they find themselves in the eye of the storm of this virus.
My body is a temple in that people lower their heads and cross themselves when they see it.
*phones Christian radio station "Can I request Highway To Hell?"
Congrats Hugo Fernandez re: Great Lakes/Navy error. I bow to your expertise & Batmans self made cardboard utility belt
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts. Cause a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Prison may be just one word. But to others, it's a whole sentence
Today at the church, the lady next to me lit a cigarette and started smoking it... I almost dropped my beer in shock.
Irishman applies for a job at a Blacksmiths. The Blacksmith asks "Have you ever shoed a horse?" The Irish man replies, "No, but I once told a Donkey to fuck off."
*She gazes lovingly into my eyes* HER: What are you thinking about? ME: [remembering my contractual obligations] How Lexus continues to redefine luxury year after year.
Psalms 61:2... when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. praying for las vegas
why don't blondes make good cowgirls? they can't keep their calves together
In the midst of making ends meet, don't forget the day you will meet your end
If I could only listen to one album for the rest of my life, I would probably wonder what kind of fascist regime I was living under.
"She needs you. You see her, you love her, you're the one who can help her."
What tea do rich people buy? Property.
Whatever makes you mad, leave it. Whatever makes you smile, keep it.
Life hack: Use the waterproof mascara so it doesn't run when you're crying while your is wife yelling at you after catching you putting on her make up.
I'm a recovering alcoholic... And by that, I mean I'm hungover.
Surround yourself with people who are exactly how you want to be
It was a true honor to talk to Gene Wilder. He was an unusually brilliant and sweet comic artist.
What do you call a Muslim standing between two buildings? Ali
You can get rid of garlic breath by eating an apple or drinking some green tea.
Sleeping Beauty Syndrome is an extremely rare disorder that causes people to sleep for days or weeks at a time. If the person wakes up during an episode, they may enter a childlike state and be confused between what's real and what's a dream.
"If I donate my organs, my death can mean something."
Wanna go somewhere that has FREE WINE?' Me: Heck yes! 'Done. Pick you up Sunday at 8am!' Me: What?! -how I got tricked into going to church
It's surprising that you can't put your penis in an electrical socket. I was shocked!
The total amount of money owed by every person and country in the world is over $215 trillion. As of 2020, there's approximately $37 trillion in circulation.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. They're an efficient people, but not very funny.
What's a group of chubby newborns called? Heavy infantry
What does a house wear? Address.
We are delighted to announce that our $6K in 6 Days campaign was a success! In 6 days, we raised over $8,000! Thank you for constantly showing us the POWER of community! What a beautiful way to start Pride Month! Thank you for helping us continue to feed Black Trans folx!
Imagine how lame drag and Drag Race would be without the contributions of trans performers.
Classic yellow mustard is one of the healthiest condiments in the world. It contains no fat, no cholesterol, no carbohydrates, a low amount of sodium, and packs some health benefits.
Collectively, more than 5 billion cars have been destroyed by "Call of Duty" players.
What do you get when you combine 99 lesbians and a politician? 100 people that don't do dick
The Ancient Greeks used olive oil as a sunscreen.
"Ohana means family...family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten." - Lilo and Stitch
"Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all." ---Bill Clinton
At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
How are a grenade and a girlfriend similar? If they're good ones, they'll both blow really well.
Fake friends believe in rumors, real friends believe in you.
I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.
I have no idea how she died, your honour. All I know is she was alive when I buried her.
Peanut-loving elephants are a myth. Elephants don't eat peanuts in the wild, and most elephants don't even seem to like them.
My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike. I rode on, ruthlessly.
"I'm a woman and can't be taken for granted. Life's a bitch, now so am I." - Batman Returns
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. ' ---Carl Rogers
Green Tea has antibacterial and anti-inflammatory properties which attack the acne bacteria & reduce the swelling and redness. acne health
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Any mental health questions that we can attempt to answer or find the answer?
What's the best thing about being black? Not having to listen to awful dad jokes. sorry
Kortney, to this date has produced the only film on the black trans experience and has since developed resources and opportunities for trans men to thrive yet his work, he feels, is continually shunned by the wider/whiter trans community.
"Being grateful means recognizing what u have 4 what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply B human."
The truth is never diminished based on the number of people who choose to believe in it.
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
In 2011, Queen Elizabeth II agreed to act in a James Bond skit with Daniel Craig for the Olympics, breaking royal protocol. When asked if she wanted a speaking part, she replied, "Of course I must say something. After all, he is coming to rescue me."
A baby gender reveal party, but instead of a pink or blue cake, a giant cake where a male or female stripper jumps out.
My son asked me "Dad, what are condoms used for?" Me: "Usually, to avoid answering questions like these."
Presenting someone with facts that contradict their perceived view of the world often results in the "backfire effect." Rather than admit they're wrong, they invest greater belief in their unreliable information.
Lost an electron Really gotta keep an ion them.
-Give it to me straight doc. -You'll never walk again. -Now give it to me gay. -You'll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.
Sad Craigslist ad: 'Seeking a second and third for a 3-way.'
What do a grenade and a woman have in common? You remove the ring and your whole house is gone
"The crazy party girl thing? That's crap. Every girl who climbs on a table thinks she's the hottest girl. But really she's dancing alone."
I thought I had hypochondria... ...turned out it was all in my head.
Guess they need that marriage counseling. Don't u love Darla standing up for herself?Queen Sugar
Kimberly Seltzer is a style expert for men. And she not only helps men with their clothes but also gets to the heart of the matter by starting from the inside and working your way out. On this episode, you will learn how to exude massive confidence and charisma in just 7 seconds.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn't expecting I'd be dissecting so many white mice.
People say the back of my head looks really nice. But I don't see it.
What do Muslims eat for Thanksgiving? Quran-berries!
What's the difference between acetone and Hitler? One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish.
I have a friend who's half Indian. Ian
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
What Does A Chinese Man Need When Taking his Dog Out? Oven mitts.
If bumblebees truly do communicate through dance, what are the white ones supposed to do?
Why was the transvestite always angry? cross-dressing
Watermelons are about 91% water.
FYI: The "duct" in "duct tape" is short for the tape's intended purpose - abducting people.
Eating few dates a day helps in fighting constipation, intestinal disorders, weight gain, heart problems, sexual weakness & abdominal cancer
The word 'infant' originates from the Latin word 'infans,' meaning "unable to talk," or "speechless."
"The risks are too great. The second we stop pushing ourselves, something terrible happens. Something we never see coming."
Why are Muslims so good at driving at night? Because that's when they brake fast.
Fresh start, clean slate, a world of possibilities. But no matter what new adventure you're embarking on, you're still you.
My doctor asked if I drink to excess. I told him I'll drink to anything.
Ten times in every Ken Burns doc the narrator says something like: Wizzy Galoot, known far and wide as The Christian Skipper, was the best dancer in the city. At age 16 he trampled his father to death, and from then on kept a piece of the man's skull in his pocket for good luck.
The hardest decision to make at midnight on New Year's Eve is what room of the house you want to hide and cry in.
It's hard watching your wife punish your kid after finding a horsy drawn on the wall in crayon. She just did such a good job parenting, I didn't have the heart to tell her I drew it.
BK Sswimmeetsaturdays winners! Edward Rosemond and Grace from Brookwood girls school. Thanks for playing! See you all next weekend.
They say 1 in 4 men is homosexual. So there must be one in my group of friends. I hope its David he's super cute.
Why couldnt Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman.
What do beekeepers say when they go to work? "Alright, let's get down to beeswax!"
How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving
I asked my wife why she married me. She said "Because you're really funny." I said: "I thought it was because I'm good in bed." She said: "See? You're hilarious."
I gave my friend an elephant for his room. He said "thank you". I said "don't mention it".
A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door today so I invited him in, gave him tea and biscuits and said to him, "So, what's this Jehovah's Witness thing about then?" "I haven't got a fucking clue" He replied. "I've never got this far before!"
Dogs often sneeze to let humans and other dogs know they're friendly, so playing rough doesn't turn into fighting. It's known as a "calming signal." International Dog Day
"What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage."
Writing a to-do list sends a motivation to your subconscious mind which will guide your actions to achieve what you've got to do motivation
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make things interesting." So we stopped playing chess.
"I want you forever, forever and always. Through the good and the bad and the ugly. We'll grow old together, forever and always" - Parachute
I was screwing this African woman last night, she kept yelling the N word It was really hard to concentrate with her screaming no the entire time
Seven has "even" in it. That's odd.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious WIFE: those are daily vitamins ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can't find the remote
How do you know how much is too much?Too much, too soon.Too much fun.Too much love.Too much to ask.And when is it all just too much to bear?
my financial literacy skills are abysmal. How do I know whether I want an LLC or an S-Corp?! SOMEONE HELP.
My cow won't give any milk... She is an udder failure.
Did you year about the chinese male prostitute? He'll give you a Bro-Job.
My favourite sex position is the JFK: I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
What's the worst part about necrophilia? When you get stiff before she does.
Loving this conversation. Black Women OWN
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you're smiling? Ha! I made you smile.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
After opening a carton of ice cream, store it in your freezer upside-down to prevent ice crystals from forming at the top.
Two teenagers knocked on my door and then ran away, so I chased them down the street and down a dark alley where they beat me up and stole my wallet.
Sometimes I have to sleep in the guest bedroom because my wife snores, but I don't want to embarrass her so I tell people it's because of her farts.
This holiday season, give your co-workers the gift that says "I got you this candle": a candle.
In Japan, the odds of being killed by a gun is about the same as an American's likelihood of being killed by lightning.
[house hunters] Me: I want a house with his and hers toilets in the same bathroom so my wife and I can talk to each other while we poop Wife: I want a divorce
What's a weird food combo you like to eats?
What do you call a priest that's also a lawyer? A father in law
It would take 76 workdays to read all of the privacy policies the average internet user encounters in a year.
A german tourist arrives at Warsaw airport. The immigration office asks: 'Occupation?''. The german responds: 'No, just holiday''
Engaging in more open and honest communication is essential for good mental and emotional health. Practice self care by learning better comm.
SON: I went viral, dad... ME: Congratulations! I always knew your memes would bring clout to this family. SON: No, not for a meme, for saying something stupid. ME: [already pulling out my phone to publicly cancel my son] You live in the woods now.
Psychology says, attempting to convince yourself that you don't care about someone is a clear indicator that you really do.
Asparagus delivers folate, which works with vitamin B12â found in fish, poultry, meat and dairyâ to help prevent brain cognitive impairment
Texas Chainsaw Massacre = Movie Florida Chainsaw Massacre = Headline
That magic feeling on Christmas morning after all gifts are opened and your family room looks like an episode of Hoarders.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
"When you nod your head yes But you wanna say no What do you mean? "- Justin Bieber
Today one of my friends knocked on my door instead of texting 'here', just like our ancestors used to.
Finding a girlfriend is a lot like fishing... There are plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just you holding your rod until you catch one.
In 2014, a 7-year-old girl named Charlotte Benjamin sent a letter to LEGO concerned about there being "more LEGO boy people and barely any LEGO girls." Months later, LEGO announced a new "Research Institute" collection, featuring female scientists. It sold out in a week.
Girls don't always want to ask to go wit you somewhere. They will wait for an invite.
I'm so tired of these lumberjack magazines setting completely unrealistic standards. My wife reads this crap and then starts questioning how stout and hearty I am. So now I have to start ordering flapjacks every time I go out to eat? Jesus, it's almost 2020, what are we doing?
Trusted relationships start organically. Work, school, church, organizations, etc. Shared experiences. Honesty. Measured vulnerability.
"They say the inability to accept loss is a form of insanity. It's probably true, but sometimes it's the only way to stay alive.."
Don't wait for bad days in order to appreciate the good ones
A swarm of 20,000 bees once followed a car for two days because their queen was trapped inside.
I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it Apparently, she left me a few days ago
Why are so many African Americans moving to Detroit? Because they hear there are no jobs there.
People who stay busy are more likely to be happy than those who remain idle, according to a study published in Psychological Science.
What's the difference between a black man and a bike? The bike doesn't start singing when you put a chain on it.
A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?". I happily replied "Yes". She took away the extra chair in front of me.
Kim Jong-un travels with his own toilet to prevent his excretions from falling into the wrong hands. The waste contains information about his health status and can't be left behind.
The best part of having a toddler is getting to enjoy those precious adorable moments where someone you love more than anything in the world screams in your face and hits you before throwing a temper tantrum.
MY WIFE: [Dressed as Meg Ryan] When you said you had a fantasy based on the movie You've Got Mail I assumed you'd be dressed as Tom Hanks. ME: [Dressed as a computer] Shhhh. Talk with your fingers.
Last primary cause: School to Prison Pipeline chp m summit
I have nothing to promote except please remember this sort of white revisionism has been happening to indigenous and Black folks since...well, time. Rule of thumb: any time you inexplicably feel an urge to discredit trauma that has not been inflicted on you....just...don't.
While filming "Star Wars: The Force Awakens," Oscar Isaac specifically asked that his character, Poe Dameron, be a native of the planet Yavin 4. This is because the Yavin 4 scenes in the original trilogy were filmed in Guatemala, where Isaac was born.
Vitamin B6 is breaks down protein, fats & carbohydrates in the foods we eat. The more protein a person eats the more vitamin B6 is needed
I'm 60 days clean now. It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.
What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction? Wander woman.
[Deathbed Confession] I wish I'd listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.
I have an addiction to Mexican food. But I don't like to taco bout it.
Washing your hands with cold water is just as effective as washing your hands with hot water.
Is there a lip sync of mine that you haven’t seen in a while that you miss? Lemme know and I’ll post it below.
If I had a dollar for every gender that there is... If I had a dollar for every gender that there is, I'd have 2 dollars.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context." Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."
I'm the kind of guy who doesn't live by the rules, I do whatever I like. And what is it that I like to do? Follow the rules.
Protip: Get out of giving your wife a back rub by telling her you were touching a dead bird outside
I'm interested in this girl who only dates Catholic guys... ... I guess you could call me a pope-less romantic
My girlfriend and I always like to laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh with more intensity and greater strength.
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
I've been non-stop crying since yesterday, and I can't seem to wrap my head around how deeply personal this feels. Kobe was the most beloved athlete by my family, so many first-gen kids loved him and it was so fucking special because he was someone their parents could love too.
A black woman had 5 sons name Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone and Tyrone.... How did she tell them apart? She called them by their last names
I like how we say "vegan" now instead of "eating disorder".
What do you call a chameleon that can't change its colors anymore? A reptile dysfunction.
Where do most black people work? In jail
Homophobic people often fall short of creativity. The basic inability to appreciate diversity or alternative cultures is symptomatic enough of the fact above.
Surprise someone who tries to fistbump you by shoving their entire hand in your mouth
Callie: "Are you okay?" Arizona: "Do I look okay?!"
Who decided to call it a funeral procession and not a deadline
Build allies. Build them before you need them....creating a relationship network proactively.' - Professor Srinagesh Gavirneni, Cornell University Professor JNFNC 19
Why don't Native Americans like April? April Showers bring May flowers, and Mayflowers bring fucking white people.
What do Russians and gays have in common? They both like bears.
Hahaha the wire and game of thrones... Is that acceptable? Food for thought.
Congrats to team USA on the Presidents Cup victory yesterday! Team Internationals put up a great fight too! We are very proud of you all!
Help a kid out and find a cure for neuroblastoma! 5yo Will Lacey needs your help - RT/donate http://bit.ly/dmhDDz
Santa works one night a week then spends the rest of the year cranking out his podcast.
Asians are actually turning into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, watch out for Asians turning.
Be someone who makes other people appreciate today and look forward to tomorrow
Your momma so fat... Her aides close lanes on the George Washington Bridge
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with "two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips."
How do you make a big apple crumble? First, you'll need two planes... Happy 9/11 people.
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know
Sweat contains small amounts of antibiotics that can combat some bacteria found naturally on the skin skin sweat
My mom used to feed my brother and I by saying 'here comes the train', and we always used to eat it right away...otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks
The last person to be convicted of blasphemy in the United States was Arkansas man Charles Lee Smith. In 1928, he put a sign in his storefront window that said "Evolution Is True. The Bible's a Lie. God's a Ghost." He spent three months in jail.
The main difference between putting a toddler to bed and working with people at a mental institution is the people at the mental institution can be reasoned with.
This afternoon, I was attacked by a group of gay men. I didn't know how to escape. I had to beat them off left and right
The Chinese are like a box of Chocolates They kill dogs.
When you start thinking too hard about whether the fruit flies came into your house with the fruit, or if they are hiding in your house waiting for the fruit.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
*cop approaches me* "have u seen this girl?" *holds up photo* "yeah I've seen her, NAKED" *hi-5* "haha but seriously shes in my trunk"
Speak the truth even when it hurts you
During a job interview I poured water into a cup and it overflowed slightly. "Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I said "No I always give 110%"
Careers Advisor to American student: "What do you want to be when you leave college?" Student: "Alive".
People who are too scared to pursue their dreams will often find a way to discourage you from yours
"Life passes you by, don't be wasting your time." - Kodaline.
What happened when the Jew with a boner walked into a wall? He broke his nose.
"The very worst part of grief, is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes."
"Learning is like healing, it happens over time."
terrorist: [pulls my head up from the water] give us the truth damnit me: [gasping] james marsden should be in more movies terrorist: well yes but
If you want righteous kids, become a righteous parent
Stephen Hawking's ashes were buried between the graves of Isaac Newton and Charles Darwin, in a part of Westminster Abbey known as the "Scientists Corner." After the burial, the European Space Agency beamed recordings of Hawking's voice to the closest black hole.
take more than 5 minutes to respond to a text and she will think you are not paying attention to her
me: [over intercom] what's the only job where it's okay to get high at work passengers: me: a pilot lol passengers: oh thank god me: anyway if you look to your left you should see a dragon
You're going to lose people in your life and realize no matter how much time you spent with them, it will never seem like it was enough.
We should be fucking furious that, in 2020, people are still standing in line to vote.
I remember checking Google stock like 5 years ago and it was around $500. Today it is $1488.
Isn't it scary knowing that any time could be the last time you talk to someone? Always keep that in mind.
If a brother tells you he needs someone to speak to, please don't ignore him. A listening ear can save a suicidal heart.
"I let you push me past the breaking point." - Katy Perry.
A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.
We hope this thread provided clarity, and we thank all members of our community for their continued support. Let's get free
[at a bar] *sees hot chick check me out* *writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her* *she reads note* "STOP STARING IT'S RUDE"
I really love the way the earth rotates... It makes my day. rofl
My roommate told me my clothes look gay. I told him to have some respect. They just came out of the closet.
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop... I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper Scissors.
What do you call an Indian man standing on one leg? Balan Singh.
Why do gay people smile so much? It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
Patience is a vitamin for the soul
Where do bad rainbows go? Prism.
Today i have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee. Brocco Lee
Sad to see reach for the wall go, you'll be missed
What wine pairs best with doing your taxes?
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick. How low can you get?
Hey everyone sorry for the lack of tweets but I will tweet lots starting next week! And we will have lots of trivia games this summer!
My buddy told me this hilarious joke earlier about Albert Einstein getting a handjob... What a stroke of genius! ROFL
Did you hear about the Egyptian boatman who refused to believe his craft was sinking? He was in denial
A Woodworm walks into a bar... And asks: 'Is the bar tender here?'
I'm a big fan of people being exactly who they are." We Bought a Zoo 2011
I hate arguing with my wife, but I like what comes after a big argument... she gives me the silent treatment and I get to play video games
Me: I bet I'd make a great superhero Also Me: (sees a family with car trouble parked on the side of the road) I'm sure someone else will help them
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. The odds were against me.
There's only 1 rule in learning English. Their our know rules.
[getting on airplane] *hands boarding pass* Airline Employee: Where's your wife's pass? Me: She doesn't need one. She's my emotional support wife *employees look at each other* Airline Employee: Dammit, he's got us there *everyone in airport slow claps as we get on plane*
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one. rofl
What did the blonde say when she looked down at her bowl of Cheerios? Look, donut seeds!
My friend told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!" I said, "Well, they were separated at birth."
The horse and the horse whisperer abruptly stop laughing when I enter the stable. I fork hay with my back to them. They will not see me cry.
Crocodiles can quickly regrow their missing teeth. In fact, crocodiles can go through as many as 8,000 teeth over a lifetime.
Dream like you will live forever, pray like you will die today.
Religious groups put on performances for an audience The Christians put on a hell of a show, the Jews knocked their socks off, but the Muslims blew them all away.
What did the sheep say when he saw his girlfriend? Baaaaaeeeee!
A woman in India has given birth to a 23 pound baby. Doctors say little Sanjeev will be walking six months before his mum.
Stop using your position and influence in society to bully and exploit innocent gay guys. This is a criminal act! All you 'straight' pastors, politicians, military officers, on-air personalities, bankers and corporate leads, WE SEE YOU
We wanna make sure our timeline is poppin. Who are some dope Black Trans/GNC folx we should be following?
For the first 40 million years that wooden trees were in existence, they were not biodegradable. Wood wouldn't decompose until a fungus learned how to make it rot.
Staying in every night and watching sitcom reruns, it's like every night is Prom Night.
I don't have the most beautiful eyes, but atleast I can see your worth.
Stop telling your new boyfriend all your ex business! That shit is sickening! He is an ex - gone, expired, forgotten. Focus on this new found love.
How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool? You say "can you please get out of the pool?"
Me: What are you up to? Her: I'm making Chinese. Me: Cloning's unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Nothing more embarrassing than having to ask the person in the stall next to you if they have a phone charger.
"Chocolate is associated with the release of serotonin, the hormone that makes you feel relaxed, calm, and happy"
The home improvement shows never mention how when you start a renovation project, you'll not only have to rebuild your house but also your marriage.
if she's old enough to bleed she's old enough to have decisions about her healthcare be in the hands of old white men
In an effort to be sexier for my wife, I figured I'd pluck 60% of my chest hair... 3 of the 5.
I've just downloaded the Asian date rape app to my new phone. Or Uber as it's more commonly known.
My wife says I make too many puns about sweat. I'm not sure what she's saunabout
What do you say if your peeing in Ireland and spot a leprechaun? Urine luck
I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough. Turns out my parents weren't even related.
I haven't been able to comment on the passing of Chadwick Boseman. I literally don't know what to say.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
How do you keep your creative juices flowing? Ways to prevent writer's block? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
What did the overbearing mother melon say to her son and his girlfriend? You Cantaloupe.
I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for assault. I punched a black guy in the shopping centre today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.
[God making humans] God: Make eating food one of the most enjoyable things ever for them Angel: Good idea! God: Then punish them for doing it by making them fat! HAHAHA!! Angel: ...Are you having problems at home?
What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, cause they're to short to be an essay!!!
They say don't go grocery shopping while you're hungry. But it's been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.
When I take my wife on dates, I don't open the door for her. It's not that I'm not chivalrous, it's just that the door on the bus opens itself.
"Once my loved ones accepted the diagnosis, healing began for the entire family, but it took too long. It took years."--Bebe Campbell Moore
What if Islam is actually a nice, peaceful, tolerant religion after all and they're just doing it wrong because they read from right to left?
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman decided to have a BBQ. The Englishmen brought some meat, the Irishman brought some whiskey and the Scotsman brought some dude from Aberdeen.
What do you call a fruit that is a vegetable? A crippled homo.
"Without forgiveness old scores are never settled, old wounds never heal. Most we can hope for is that 1 day we're lucky enough to forget.'
It's so hot out I keep dunking my head into my relationship with my father.
Humans can't burp in space because there's no gravity to separate gas from ingested food. "Burping" in space may cause astronauts to throw up.
Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death for Americans, and it can be prevented. If you or someone you know may be considering suicide, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 â¤ï ™ ½
"Just because I cannot see it, doesn't mean I can't believe it." - Nightmare Before Christmas
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
"My heart breaks a little, when I hear your name." - Bruno Mars.
Got that experimental throat surgery that lets me sing barbershop quartets without having to make 3 friends.
What would you call the Islamic State if they tried to take over Antarctica? Ice-is 
At some point maybe we accept the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves that reality is better.
I dated a girl in a wheelchair. She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
If you slap a christian girl on the ass... Would she turn the other cheek?
Stay thankful out there dudes!
What does Paddy Irishman says when he meets a one legged jockey? How're you gettin' on?
Using fMRI's, scientists discovered that dogs recognize the sound of their human's voice and feel emotions, such as love, the same way humans do.
A man who has no right arm and no right leg falls off his wheelchair Thankfully, a woman passing by noticed him and approached him, offering some help. "Are you alright?" "No, I'm not. I'm all left."
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public? A private tooter.
The only time you should sing “happy birthday” slowly is when you’re using it to time your hand washing
A vegan said to me those who sell meat are disgusting. I said those who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
I had a race with an Asian today It was a Thai
I was researching converting to Mormonism until I found out you have to give them 10% of your income I guess I'm Jewish.
Oh also make sure you follow me on Instagram 🐷
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.
People who eat spicy foods tend to live longer, according to a study from the Harvard School of Public Health.
Scientists have detected an unexplainable radio signal coming from space. In other words, now even God has a podcast.
The faster you eat, the more weight you're likely to gain.
"Just put one foot in front of the other. Just get through the day."
Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You? Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I'm singing it won't hold me.
What's the worst thing about being black and jewish? Having to sit in the back of the oven.
Let him know that he's on your mind. Make him feel good!
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish person? None.
"I'm amazed at the vision and drive of everyone in the Arava...to make the world a better place" - Dr. Joaquin Ruiz
Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849? Because there was gold in them/their hills.
Scientist: our large brains are what allows us to survive so successfully 10,000 Year Old Tree: k
What does a Nintendo 64 and an old woman have in common? You have to blow the dust off before you stick it in. haha
I have a drug problem. The DEA keep taking them away!
My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Well, joke's on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him. [126 minutes]
I thought landlady was the opposite of mermaid?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats. Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep? "Shhh let sleeping dogs lie."
*After the hootenanny* ME: [angrily throwing a glass of bourbon into the fire] YOU TOLD ME THAT WOULD BE A SHINDIG!
“If someone asks you how you are, you are meant to say FINE. You are not meant to say that you cried yourself to sleep last night because you hadn't spoken to another person for two consecutive days. FINE is what you say.” ―Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine Books Connect Us
What's long and hard on a black guy? The first grade
My boss came to me at lunch: "Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to find you all morning!" I shrugged and said: "Good employees are hard to find."
People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.
After experimenting with lots of different drug and booze combinations, I finally discovered the Whisky, Valium and Heroin combo. Now the baby sleeps right through the night.
ME: I'm working on a joke. What's the most popular brand of sunglasses in the ocean? FRIEND: Ummmm... Manta Ray-Bans? ME: [crossing 'fish sunglasses' off of my index card] Yes. Exactly what I had written here.
WIFE: Let's role-play ME: OK W: U be a teacher *I get up & leave* W: Where u going? M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I've got to do?
Whenever I want a little peace and quiet, I just fill a studio with 200 people and go out and do a monologue.
me: i was attacked by ninjas- doctor: says here you kicked a target cement sphere to see if it would bounce
In a 1908 experiment, raccoons were able to open 11 out of 13 locks in fewer than ten tries and were able to repeat the solutions when the locks were rearranged or turned upside down. They could also remember the solutions for 3 years.
"Do you know what it's like being a teenager these days.."
Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!" Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."
My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating. There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon
Work on your online dating profile MORE than the messages you send to women.
You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth.
what do you call an arab vegatarian a muslim fondalentalist
Standing alone is better than standing with people who constantly insult and belittle you
If there was a gym in my house. I would definitely pay $80 a month to not go to it.
"It's so hard to say it but I've been here before, Now I'll surrender up my heart and swap it for yours" - Ed Sheeran
Name a movie that made you ball your eyes out! For me it was 'About Time'. That scene at the beach with his dad! ˜­
ME: What has skin, and eyes, but no heart? LINDA: Um, a potato? ME: Close, Linda, close. *I hand Linda a picture of her kissing my best friend*
Enjoy your weekend! We are going to tweet some thought provoking quotes from the twittersphere...
A woman is naked and looking at herself in a mirror. She says: "Jake, look at me. I'm old and wrinkly, my teeth look terrible, I'm getting fat, my boobs are starting to sag... I could really use a compliment right about now." Jake replies: "Your eyes are still really good."
Breakups hurt more than other forms of social rejection because romance ties into more primal parts of the brain, according to neuroscientists.
Why do lesbians shop at Dunham's? Because they don't like Dick's.
A guy told me that all the pain and suffering in the world was God's fault.. so I kicked him in the junk because I knew he wouldn't blame me.
"I can feel you watching even when you're nowhere to be seen." - 5SOS.
The gay agenda: 8:00- Live like everyone else 9:00- Live like everyone else 10:00- Live like everyone else 11:00- Live like everyone else
I like to relax after a hard day at work by arguing with strangers on the internet.
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: 'Good news please.' Doctor: 'We're naming a disease after you.'
Thanksgiving Countdown: 1 day!! Tis the Season to give thanks! What are some things you are most thankful for this Thanksgiving Holiday?
Sometimes when things go bad, I only have other people to blame. I love that.
Saint Nicholas, the inspiration for Santa Claus, was the patron saint of prostitutes, sailors, and repentant thieves, among others.
I wonder whether transparent coffins will ever catch on Remains to be seen
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick... It's two chicks fighting over a pair of shoes.
Why is the ocean so salty? Because the land doesn't wave back.
A human could have easily outrun a T. rex, given that their estimated top-speed would have only been about 12 miles an hour. Any faster and its bones would have shattered.
What do you call rich Mexicans? The Juan percent.
"Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in darkness." - Ibn Taymiyyah
My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper, but she screamed when I brought her one.
I woke up feeling compelled to pray for our country. No matter your spiritual practice, I pray that we ALL remain safe and free from harm. Pray then Go VOTE!
The vitamin C content of red cabbage is 6-8 times higher than that of the green cabbage cabbage vitamin C
Why Chinese vet never hungry? Dog have rice.
"I wanna stay up all night and find a girl and tell her she's the one, hold on to the feeling and don't let it go."
At the end of a day like this, a day when so many prayers are answered and so many aren't, we take our miracles where we find them....
What do a baby and a pancake have in common? If it's black it ain't good
I'm trying to learn the alphabet but I can't get past X. I don't know why.
Mix buttermilk and salt into paste. they r effective in eliminating large pores. repeat few times a week. pores skin
I buy recycled games at GameStop because I care about the environment and because I can't afford the new ones.
Whoever said: 'What you don't know, won't hurt you' was a complete and total moron. Because not knowing is the worst feeling in the world.
The Beirut explosion just shows how badly covid is affecting the world. Even the terrorists are working from home.
Alright Fortnite queers. We're all back to Level 1!!!!!!!!!
My grandfather's holocaust stories aren't half as depressing as the contestant interview segment on Jeopardy.
What is a chinese homosexual videogamer called? Gay Ming
"tomatoes contain chlorogenic acid and coumaric acid, which help to fight against some of the carcinogens brought about by cigarette smoke"
The only time it's appropriate to tell someone 'it's the least I could do' is after they say 'thanks for nothing' to you.
You can choose to let your past define you, or you can choose to move on and leave it behind you
Feel like giving up? Then forget about girls for a while and channel your frustration and energy into other areas of your life like fixing your issues, changing your look, getting your finances in order etc. You'll soon notice how the girl thing will start to take care of itself.
Remember not to laugh at your ex wife's choices. You were one of them.
I'm sending our Christmas cards. Can I get everyone's address and credit card number/expiry date?
What is the longest word in the feminist dictionary? Antidickstablishmentarianism.
Feel free to introduce your boyfriend to gay friends. If he truly loves you, none of them could 'snatch' him from u.
We have 3 kinds of bags: Bag 1 is for immune compromised and elder Black Trans folx. There are 4 of these bags. Bag 2 is for Black Trans folx that are vegetarian/vegan. There are 6 of these bags. Bag 3 is for any Black Trans person that needs it. There are 18 of these bags.
Aversion to help-seeking is a main reason stigma against mental illness continues in the black community. Be free to ask for or give help.
Just want to clarify here that tonight was the primary! But it puts him on track to win in the general.
A toothbrush that is 6 feet within a toilet can get toilet bacteria from flushing health bacteria
Moshe was walking down the street and gets run over by another Jewish driver. The driver speeds away and yells out the window "Watch Out"! Moshe responds "Why? Are you coming back?
Paul McCartney said he would appear in the episode of "The Simpsons" where Lisa becomes a vegetarian if she remained a vegetarian for the rest of the series. They agreed to the deal.
In 1980, Tom Hanks was paid $800 for the movie "He Knows You're Alone." He got $50,000 for the first "Toy Story" movie and an estimated $60 million for "Forrest Gump."
Nearly half of every single one of my paychecks gets taken by a group who doesn't want anyone to hold them accountable, doesn't understand the value of a dollar, and who get more expensive every year. I am of course talking about my children.
When I take my shirt off in the summer, I have the type of body that makes people feel jealous because they can tell I've been eating lots of delicious foods.
Maybe it's this expectation, the wanting to be happy, that keeps us from getting there.
Salmon & Walnuts r Aphrodisiac. For better sex performance sex health food
Michael J. Fox is extremely formal... ...he even shakes hands with his wife.
I scream, you scream, we all scream because there's a bee in the car
What do you call an Asian guy that always shows up before he needs to? Earl Lee
In 1979, four Atari developers asked the CEO if they could be credited and paid royalties for the hit games they made, as record labels do with musicians. The CEO insisted, "anybody can do a cartridge." So, they quit and formed their own company named Activision.
"Apply sunscreen 30 minutes before being in the sun so that it can be absorbed by the skin & less likely to get washed off when u perspire"
I was feeling horny and needed some relief. I asked my fat wife for sex and she said "No" You have no idea what a relief that was.
Wishing the cast a lot of fun on their first day back to shoot Season 10! Can't wait to see the amazing results on September 26!
I'm going to open a French-Vietnamese restaurant serving fake noodles.... I'll call it Faux Pho.
80% of learning is visual.
me: [checking my email] every restaurant i've ever been to: ok here's the deal i will suck your dick if you order delivery right now
"Whenever someone says something funny and I laugh, I always look around to see if you think it's funny too. Even when you're not there.'
I have the heart of a lion.. .. and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother's criticism for the first time.
Eminem is afraid of giraffes. He doesn't like their necks.
Do you remember the name of the Italian/Vietnamese restaurant we went to? Yeah! It was great, how could I "Pho-get-abouttit"
Japanese company Piala Inc. awards their non-smoking employees six extra vacation days a year to compensate for the smoke breaks taken by the company's smoking-employees.
Feminist are boycotting James Coney Island.. They claim it's all about the wieners
My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..
My girlfriend says a 4" penis is just fine. Still, I wish she didn't have one.
A priest, minister, and rabbi walk into a bar... It hurt
"Social media has helped to raise national awareness of racism and police brutality...It can literally hurt to watch these violent encounters"
I just realized my countertop is made of marble.. I've been taking it for granite for years.
So sad to hear the news about Orlando. Prayers are with y'all! prayers for orlando
How can you tell if an envelope is gay? It comes in the mail.
Did Jesus ever get drunk? Not sure, but I heard he got hammered once.
Job Interviewer "do you have any special skills?" Me - "I can eat gluten"
Does anyone have any recs for Black and Brown owned businesses or restaurants in Des Moines?
Want to drive women wild with your tongue? Simple... All you have to say is "Have you put weight on?"
Why did the prostitute join the Mormon church? She wanted a high paying missionary position.
Where do pots go on vacation? JaPAN! From my 9 year old.
I'm a practicing Catholic But I'm not ready to go pro just yet.
...his colleagues amidst jeers and applause. I knew we were gradually getting somewhere especially as he could pull off such a long and tight hug in the midst of male colleagues. But everything switched the night we texted eachother. He wanted us to be just friends moving forward
The inventor of knock knock jokes should win a no-bell prize.
"You just call my name, I'll be coming through, coming through, I'll keep coming.' - Everything About You.
Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn. In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."
I judge a good pair of yoga pants by the number of hip and ankle flask pockets.
What do you call a little Mexican child? A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay.
Bruce Jenner, substantiated proof... Women are worse drivers.
Some of my colleagues sign their emails with "cheers", "sincerely" or "kind regards" followed by their names, which is gay AF. I prefer to use "you've made a powerful enemy today I'm coming for you" You should try it.
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig. But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
One of the best scenes you can do as an actor is crying against a locked door and then sliding down the door. It's called 'going door to floor' and they teach it at Juilliard.
What did the Muslim bring to the Holiday party? Falafel and hummus.
One zebra says to the other, "I'm going to check out that patch of nice green grass over there . . . . . . I'll be white black."
The psychological effect where it looks like somebody cares makes a difference. ~Dr. Darrell Gaskin, JHU Black Minds Matter
8.2% of Norwegians eat tacos every Friday, according to a 2012 study by VG.
The baby name "Karen" is predicted to go extinct in just a few years.
Whenever I hear applause in a song, instead of people clapping, I like to imagine it's the artist cooking bacon.
I wish burps were contagious like yawns
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she's not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I'm not digging her grave in the garden.
Never understood the point of black friday Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month
After marriage, most couples have a honeymoon period. Mine got hers as we got on the plane.
Boss: Any ideas on what we can call this insanely sticky adhesive? Employee: How about crazy glue? Boss: Hmmmm... won't people be upset because it's insensitive to the mentally ill? Employee: Yes.... so we'll spell it with a K. They'll never pick up on it. Boss: Perfect
I've met some great men in my life and can't help but to think to myself 'You had a great father figure in your life didn't you?'
How does Amazon Mexico pay its employees? In Jeff Pesos.
Value Pluralism. Our heroes become villians. Dr. H. Westley Clark. black minds matter
You know you're getting old when you start lying to yourself about how young you still look
You ca see Dr. Vinson 's video response on www.ourselvesblack/journal
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza? The anti-crust.
The greatest trick my wife ever pulled was telling me she didn't want anything for valentines
The main reason I don't need to drink a lot of water is that I get it from the humidity in the air because I always walk with my mouth open.
"I'll stitch the words into my heart with a needle and thread.' - Passenger.
How is being a Jew like eating a burrito? It's really not a problem until they give you gas.
Having sex can make a woman look younger & more attractive due to the release of estrogen and collagen sex younger
My kids think Edvard Munch is the guy who did a painting of the scream emoji.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
My two year old ran into my room first thing thing this morning, and then, clearly coached, shouted “happy Mother’s Day mommy!” And then before i could respond, she picked up a pair of scissors and said “can I play with this, it’s special to me.” It was the best. ❤️
I like my coffee how I like my slaves... Free.
How to dress like Lady Gaga: 1. Go to ikea. 2. Pick a object that doesn't belong on your head. 3. Put it on your head.
Three-inch dick: 'It's tiny!' she laughed. Three-inch spider: 'It's enormous!' she screamed. So I've had a spider tattooed on my dick.
What's so amazing about Love at first sight? It's when people have been looking at each other for years that it becomes remarkable.
I put deodorant on only one armpit. I don't smell half bad. corny
"Too long we've been denying, now we're both tired of trying." - Lifehouse.
What was the Rabbi's favorite frozen treat? Jew-lato
Sarcasm is illegal in North Korea.
Most quotes attributed to Mark Twain were actually said by someone else' - Mark Twain
There was a four-car reck in Mexico today... 93 people died
You find true happiness as a gay man not in friends or lovers. You find true happiness as a gay man when you live for yourself and not family or society.
"I feel like one of those people who are so freaking miserable that they can't be around normal people. Like I'll infect the happy people.'
Me: they call me the negotiator You: no they don't Me: they do You: nope Me: yup they do You: ok fine Me: THE NEGOTIATOR STRIKES AGAIN
My dentist removed the wrong tooth. It was acci-dental.
Whenever you have to wear a name tag, make sure to draw a blue check mark beside your name so everyone knows it's really you and not some imposter
I bought someone's groceries today and it felt really good... I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
What did the black kid get on his SAT? Barbecue sauce
On January 9, 1493, Christopher Columbus saw three mermaids and said they were "Not half as beautiful as they are painted." They were manatees.
I've started investing in stocks... Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Thanks everyone for all the quotes!! I'm looking for one for my room I still can't decide!!
Why can't a nose be 12 inches? Because then it would be a foot.
Bonding with dogs causes your brain to release dopamine and oxytocin in the same way as loving a child.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping. That was a rude awakening.
Keep the smile on the face of your boyfriend and surprise him always. In this way your relationship will grow stronger day by day..
Years from now, historians will look back on this period of American History and move to Canada.
Welcome to your forties. Your joints now sound like fire crackers going off.
"Dreams are as real as you want them to be. Dreams are as real as the sky and the sea." Peter Pan
"You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living. Things may have changed too radically to ever go back to what they were."
Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I'm googling how to get paid without leaving my house
I just broke up with my blind girlfriend. We just didn't see eye to eye anymore.
When I was a kid watching "The Carol Burnett Show," no one made me laugh harder than Tim Conway. What a sweet and effortlessly funny man.
Why can't two Asians have a white baby? Because two wongs don't make a white
Those who desire to make a difference in the world, must be different from the world
I got chatting to a black chick in the pub last night and she asked if I fancied taking her home. "Fuck off" I told her " I'm not driving to Africa at this time of night".
Deanmon goes back for the porn mag after the kill... Classic. Good call Bob Singer.
Yo momma is so fat her butt is the butt of every joke.
Looking for some actually delicious chicken breast recipes
People usually don't notice the nice things we do for them until we stop doing them
My girlfriend asked me why I was blow-drying my crotch... Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the response she was looking for.
Breakdowns can create breakthroughs and sometimes things fall apart so that they can be put back together again.
Damn girl are you a newspaper? Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day
Looking forward to another rocking New Year's Eve with Ryan Seacrest, which is what I named my full body pillow.
Eating chicken helps prevent cancer. Selenium in chicken has been shown to induce DNA repair in damaged cells and eliminate abnormal cells
Remember how blessed you are don't take anything for granted.
What do pigs and ink have in common? They both belong in a pen.
You can learn something from anyone if you pay close attention
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.
So excited for Mulan! Can’t wait to see my Asian sisters and brothers in this amazing story!
Potato chip bags aren't full of air; it's nitrogen gas that prevents them from oxidizing and going stale.
Today the Government's Furlough scheme has kicked in and now I am only receiving 80% of what I should be paid. Finally, I know what it feels like to be a woman.
We feel this is a good 'middle ground' for us at the moment. We're able to maintain our independence and run our collective as we see fit, but are able to tap into grant funds normally reserved for nonprofits, without having to become one. Until we make this transition, however..
"I take it you are from America Madam?" "How rude!!, just because I'm a little overweight you assume I'm American?" "No Madam, this is a supermarket, but unlike in your country, we don't sell guns."
Jackie Chan personally trains his stuntmen and pays for their medical bills.
He's very dreamy. But he's not the sun... You are.
I’m laughing at these ladies waking up and being like Hey wanna become gay icons today?
What do you call the Mexican version of the NSA? Jalapeno Business...........
What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
me: [absolutely killing it on harmonica] taco bell cashier: are you gonna order
*Ted receiving best dentist award at the dentist awards* This is the only plaque that's allowed in my house *laughter* You the king, Ted!
Dogs can pick up on subtle changes in your scent, which can help them figure out how you're feeling. They may also adopt the emotional state they sense in you.
A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"! A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!
My aggressive driving made at least a dozen people angry this morning, but it was worth it because I got to work 15 seconds earlier.
My mother-in-law's text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law's rage isn't really from Vietnam.
Do the people of Denmark appreciate the fact that their nationality is also a delicious treat?
Love is a means to happiness, not the end goal
A couple of weeks ago I emceed the @CoreResponseOrg gala and learned about an amazing program called Generation Amazing. It's a Football For Development program that helps youth in Haiti and around the globe through the transformative power of soccer. Learn more at @GA4good.
What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear. corny
Twitter doesn't inform someone when you've muted them, so make sure you do it yourself.
You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it? Run for President.
Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics? Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.
"Change is good. Yeah, but it's not easy." - The Lion King
What did Mr. Freeze do with his wife on their first date? Netflix and chill.
"Open your eyes. What do you see? More possibilities? Does your new view give you more hope? That's the goal."
"It's not about what you look like, or how successful you are. It's about having people in your life that you love and who love you."
With a $150 million net worth, the richest pastor in the world is Bishop David Oyedepo of Nigeria. Oyedepo has two private jets, a $10 million house, and owns churches in 45 African nations.
My roommate claims i'm schizophrenic. Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
What did the Mexican Firefighter name his twin sons? José and Hose B corny
What does a lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
Some people can be complete jerks. But we can't call them out on it because we're supposed to be kind and rise above the nonsense. That doesn't change the fact that some people can be complete jerks.
I prefer farm-to-sink, because that's where I'm standing when I eat most of my meals.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? I don't like my pizza burnt.
Guide for how to do joke Twitter correctly: 1) Write your funny idea 2) Rework it 3) Rework it again 4) Post it 5) Wait 10 seconds 6) Panic and second guess yourself 7) Delete it 8) Cry
My Viagra addiction... Was the hardest time of my life.
What's a redneck's favorite type of bread? Inbred
Moneysaver: Any swing is a sex swing if you have sex in it.
Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?' Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] ...'The men I please are none of your damn business!'
when she says that she's bored it means she wants you to come up with a way to spend time with her
Queer Irishman Sean: Did ya here the one about the queer Irishman? Brian: No. Sean: Seems he was spotted leaving the pub at 11 o'clock with a girl. Brian: So? Sean: Closing time's one.
When it comes to Arab countries, the US is like that damaged girl who dates bad boys, "because I can change him."
Thanks for a beautiful weekend. That is all. chic on spn
There used to be a time when we didn't have access to all the world's knowledge while sitting on the toilet.
"No matter how thick skinned we try to be, there's millions of electrified nerve endings in there. Open and exposed, feeling way too much."
I do believe that “pithy” is the faggiest word possible in existence.
What was the first lie you remember telling your parents? For me it was either 'I don't know who started the fire' or 'I'm sure there won't be any fires at the next house we move to'
Did you know vampires arent real? Unless you Count Dracula.
Celebrities are called stars because they're hot, not very bright, unattainable and destined to eventually collapse into a black hole.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbour, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?" She laughed: 'No, this is an old fashioned watch. You have to look at it!'
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
Where does a Jewish farmer become a man? At his Barn Mitzvah
What advice would you give a step-parent stepping into their role for the first time? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
It's called a 'travel' mug because a 'driving to work while cursing your life' mug doesn't sound as nice
In 1984, Robert Cunningham, a regular at a diner, asked his waitress for help choosing lottery numbers and said he'd split the winnings. He hit the jackpot, worth $6 million, and gave her $3 million.
My wife is turning 32 soon. I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. "After all," I said, "The celebrations are only going to last half a minute." "What are you talking about?" she asked. I said, "It's your thirty-second birthday."
What's the difference between firewood and a jew? The firewood ain't been turned into ash yet.
'Cash my gold' Or if you're black: 'Cash their gold'
How do you feel about the gay struggle being compared to the black struggle? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Today is my 32nd birthday, and, in honour of my long and storied career, I hope you'll indulge me as I take a little stroll down memory lane with a behind-the-scenes look at some of my greatest works.
Can any one connect me with whoever started the Drag Race Subreddit?
Being too stressed and consuming too much coffee can cause auditory hallucinations.
I was actually there the day scientists named the Daddy Long Legs. The spider symposium went nuts. People were cheering, dancing in the aisles, tearing their lab coats off... Doubt I'll ever witness anything that invigorating again.
A gypsy girl tells her mum she's pregnant, "Congratulations" says her mum... "Do you know who the father is?"... "Mum.... if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
Do you believe love is a noun or a verb? How has your relationship with "love" changed your understanding of "love" Auntie Red Tweet Tea
How do you excite an idiot? I'll tell you later.
18 Guys, shes worth more than your xbox. Make sure you dont put it before her. boyfriend tips
In the 1990s, scientists grew trees in a sealed biosphere and couldn't figure out why they fell over before maturing. They eventually realized that the perfect growing environment lacked wind, which provides stress and ensures trees grow strong enough to support themselves.
Sometimes I think the bulk packages at Costco are too large. Who needs 12 condoms?!
"You can't change the one you love. You're not supposed to." - Save the Last Dance
Sometimes I think Gen Z is okay. And then I see how many people support 6ix9ine. 🤢
Gene Wilder didn't tell the public about his Alzheimer's diagnosis because he "simply couldn't bear the idea of one less smile in the world."
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast. corny
SLASH: My band is called Guns SLASH'S MOM: No SLASH: ..and roses. You didn't let me finish. Guns and Roses SLASH'S MOM: That's better, Saul
Horror movies in the 50's were just mysteries with extra cobwebs and two well-timed lightning cracks. Horror movies now are like: 'Your addiction to technology woke up the devil and he's spent the last thousand years thinking up some weirdly elaborate sexual torture techniques'
Please send me song suggestions for my 'only banger' playlist. The main requirement is it must be an absolute banger.
Cris to Alex: "What are you plotting? And can I get in on it?"
What do you get when you combine a black guy and an octopus? nobody knows actually but it will be perfect for picking cotton.
Tuna is a rich source of Vitamin D, along with other foods such as meat, mushrooms and eggs vitamin D tuna
Nothing sends a chill more than an Apple Watch face auto-switching to Mickey Mouse.
Why did the sad ghost use an elevator? To lift his spirits.
Not to brag, but I just beat my own high score on the mini arcade game at Walmart... and by mini arcade game, I mean blood pressure machine.
"Every cigarette smoked cuts at least 5 minutes of life on average, which is roughly the time it takes to smoke one cigarette"
Procrastination is a weapon of the devil
Like millions of people all over the world, I've been staying safer at home for over a week now. I know a lot of people are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and uncertain. Bc of that, I want to offer some hope and gather thought leaders and people going through it to add some perspective
What do you call a White Crocodile? A Crocasian
What is your favorite performance experience?Auntie Red Tweet Tea
According to a 2016 study, the average person spends about 180 days of their life exercising.
the active chemical which makes peppers so spicy increases your metabolism even hours after consuming them metabolism diet
A Jew walks into a wall with an erection. Gets a broken nose. 
It's important to make people happy, and it's important to start with yourself.
Some days the whole world seems upside down. And then somehow, improbably and when you least expect it, the world rights itself again.
Start again. Still not getting it.' - Time traveling Thomas Jefferson, after I tried to explain Twitter to him.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::
"Health can fail, friends can disappoint. In these moments you just want to get real, drop the act and be your true, scared, unhappy self."
Happy Memorial Day!! We are extremely thankful for all of the great men and women that have so graciously sacrificed to serve our country!!
"If I tell you I love you, can I keep you forever?" - Casper
"One of the most famous memory-enhancing herbs is rosemary. Even the smell of rosemary can improve memory performance in office workers"
Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast
I used to have an imaginary friend and we went everywhere together. I used to talk to him but he never spoke back but I could always guess what he would say. Then one day I grew up and realised he wasn't real. That's why I don't go to church anymore.
Shark Tank idea: a microwave that will self-destruct if someone tries to use it to cook fish.
I made a club about erectile dysfunction. It was a flop, nobody came
Stay strong, because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever
If God hates gays so much, why didn't he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he's more pissed that you're jealous of your friend's PS4
In 1967, Florida passed a bill which would allow Disney to build their own nuclear power plant. Walt Disney understood that the park was going to be very big and wanted the freedom to build a nuclear power plant if needed; something they still have the permission to do.
What do you call an Egyptian butt? A sphinxter
*A man accidentally bumps me* MAN: Sorry. ME: No problem, man! *Later, in my journal* ME: "Sorry" he says? SORRY?!? "Sorry" doesn't unwrinkle my coat. "Sorry" doesn't return the time that was stolen from me. "Sorry" is a glass of water after I've already died from dehydration
Can someone get me some rohypnol or chloroform? I've got a date tomorrow tonight and she doesn't know yet.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance. Unfortunately, she blew it.
Having small kids isn't as bad as you think it is, it's worse.
I'm now at the point in my married life where I even put toilet seats down in gas station restrooms, just in case my wife might go in there.
Why is there such a shortage of teachers in Africa? Teacher's aides
October is juvenile justice awareness month. DYK that 40%-80% of incarcerated juveniles have at least 1 diagnosable mental health disorder?
How many Mormons do you take fishing with you? Two. If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
My ex works in a pharmacy so whenever I want to piss her off I go there and buy condoms for no reason. Sometimes I go there 3 times a day.
Me: I'm trying to eat healthier nowadays. Are these taquitos free range? 7/11 Employee: ... ?
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless
When my wife says 'we need to talk', it actually means she's going to talk a lot and I'm going to sit there and listen.
Chief: Its good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose.
His contributions will live on forever and he will be dearly missed. Rest in Power.
No girl will deny the gift of a giant stuffed animal. in love
"Daddy, there's a monster in the kitchen!" my daughter screamed. I can't believe she's gone this long before seeing her mum without makeup!!
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
[at the chiropractor] Chiropractor: What needs adjusting? Me: My whole life. I'm hoping you can take care of it by breaking my neck like they do in the movies?? Chiropractor: ...
Apply honey on your face and neck for 20 minutes. Wash it with cold water. Your skin will glow skin honey
My professor accused me of plagiarizing His words, not mine.
Thanks DCCON for another great weekend!!! You make me so proud to be a part of our crazy SPN Family
Why did the Muslim cross the road? To get to the bigger crowd
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then. God, I love my new Taser...
"We're supposed to be straight with you. So be careful what you ask for, bc when you find out whats really going on, you may never recover.'
If you leave a baby in a car in summer, with no water or ventilation, it could be dead in fifteen minutes. Leave the heater on as well, wait another thirty minutes and the meat just falls off the bone.
You deserve someone who thinks you're too important to lose.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.
My mate sold me a guitar for £5... No strings attached haha
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
"I know you've been hurt by someone else I can tell by the way you carry yourself." - Drake ft. Rihanna.
Do you know what 'Strong Black Woman' syndrome/identity is? Do you know women who are struggling with this? Are YOU?!
There ya go folks. Hope u likes. And a nice little teaser there at the end. But more on that later. Action Ackles SPN Family Supernatura I
Why did the Muslim cross the.... BOOM! Oh, I see.
My boyfriend and I are Cherokee Indians. He stood me up at our favorite restaurant last night... But it's OK. I don't think we could have stayed anyway, we didn't have a reservation.
Baldwin talked of how this ability to understand different facets of this country can serve us well and I agree ask dr v
NORAD tracking Santa? Really? That's what my tax dollars are going to? You're tracking a fictitious fat dude?
I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof. I was shocked.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King... ...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Seeing random people succeed in life makes me happy
Tinder is the Night' Update A Fitzgerald Novel Hashtags With Only One Response
Cargo shorts are the minivan of fashion... you get a pass only if you're married with kids, otherwise people will assume there's something wrong with you.
Intimacy. It's both desired and feared; difficult to live with, and impossible to live without.
Why do people think Jesus is coming back? He wasn't nailed to a fucking boomerang.
Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf Guy: do you mean polo? Me: [realizing he isn't classy enough to know about horse golf] yes
Same energy every time I am home in FL but every conversation I had was infuriating. I met a woman who works at car rental company who was charged 22 yrs ago with possession of marijuana and filed to restore her voting rights 2 years ago. She has heard *nothing* from the state.
Check out this interview I did on the Chrissie Mayr podcast where we talked about the challenges of dating in the post MeToo era, how men are feeling disillusioned with not being able to flirt with a girl without feeling nervous and how to get consent in a way that feels natural.
Worldwide, suicide rates have increased by 60 percent in the last 45 years.
What do you call a woman in heaven? An Angel A crowd of women in heaven? - A host of Angels And all women in heaven? - PEACE ON EARTH!
A vulture gets on a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says, "Sorry sir, only one carrion item per passenger."
Learn more about how successful ppl manage their mental wellness as our allies provide tips on how they maintain wellness tomorrow July 3rd!
Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
Why does greys always have the best music....
Congrats to Mount Vernon High School NY getting a renovated pool thanks to Superintendent Kenneth Hamilton and Assemblyman J. Gary Pretlow!
Apple has become the first U.S. company to be worth $2 trillion, making it the most valuable company in the world.
God: "At least I didn't get FAT." Buddha: "At least I didn't get CRUCIFIED."
Some of my closest friends might describe me as "deceitful". Jokes on them though. They aren't my friends.
I'm getting my girlfriend a prosthetic leg for Christmas It's a great stocking-filler.
Only about 10% of the world's population is left-handed. Left Handers Day
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair Now we call them chairies
My Grandfather was one of those Unorthodox Jews. He was a Nazi.
Why is their always lightning in France? Obviously, since lightning takes the path of least resistance.
I do this thing where I put my wallet and keys somewhere in my house and then my brain withholds the information about where they are. It's a fun game of hide and seek I like to play with myself.
[first day as a pirate] Pirate: That's not why they call it a poop deck. Me: Oh. My bad
I got fired from my lawn maintenance job. I was just not cutting it.
her dad: [shaking my hand] nice to finally meet you my brain: ok don't make it weird me: [a little too loud] one time i swallowed a grape like a pill
I know this is gonna get me cancelled, but: I like the Idina Geico commercial.
The show "Toddlers and Tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in Training" and "Mothers with Self-esteem Issues" just wasn't as catchy.
What do you call a group of well-endowed, homosexual physicists? Large hardon colliders
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back. corny
"Remember this moment for the rest of our lives." - Macklemore.
Why did the kid eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake. corny
For younger healthier skin eat Blackberry, blueberries, strawberries & plums they r rich in antioxidants which protect against free-radicals
I never get more than halfway through my sci-fi movie pitch before my therapist says, "our time is up."
The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.
Vitamin C supports the adrenal glands which are responsible for producing our stress hormones stress vitamin c
During Prohibition, it was illegal to buy or sell alcohol, but it was not illegal to drink it. In fact, some wealthy people bought out entire liquor stores before it passed to guarantee they'd have alcohol to drink.
Regular coffee drinkers develop a heightened ability to detect the scent of coffee. The more a person happens to be craving coffee at a particular time, the more sensitive they become to its distinct smell, according to a study conducted at the University of Portsmouth.
The United States has the world's most extreme weather. No other region of the world suffers from a combination of hurricanes, tornadoes, droughts, floods, wildfires, blizzards, heat waves, and cold snaps.
With every heartbeat, human testicles can produce 1,500 sperm.
What do you call an Arab who owns 5,000 cows A Milk Sheikh.
me: [sadly] just leave the bottle there bartender: [setting down the apple juice] ok
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day. Teach a man to fish and he's going to spend a fortune on gear he'll only be using twice a year.
My wife asked me... "Shall we go bowling or stay at home?" I replied..."I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
Callie: "Look alone people don't want to here about the together people even if the alone people are alone by choice...
WHAT DO WE WANT? "Hearing aids." "WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?" "Hearing aids."
What's the difference between a white story and a black story? A white story starts with "Once Apon a Time" and a black story starts with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this"
"Even though I've tried, spaces between us, hold all our secrets, leaving us speechless.' - Spaces.
Don't forget you can download all these Aha moments on a free Apple podcast. Super Soul Conversations
The other day I told a girl, "You look great without glasses." Girl: "I don't wear glasses." Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."
unless you find a girl that is a gamer she really doe snot like the video games that you play for hours
This lesbian couple came into my restaurant with a newborn baby in their arms. "He's so cute," I said as I tickled his forehead... "Boy or girl ?" "'It' will decide for itself once it's 12 years old," they hissed.
"The mind will always fight for hope. Until it finds a way of understanding its new reality and accepts that what is gone, is gone forever."
ICYM anything, check out our site content posted during MMHM
What do call a fish with a Phd? A brain sturgeon.
Started stockpiling plastic straws for after the strawpocalypse. All you mortals will be drinking out of cups like an adult and I will be supping from a plastic straw like a god.
I'm writing a book about Indian food... It's gonna be a naan-fiction.
My girlfriend told me that if I ever cheated on her, it would be worse if it was with a black girl. I told her she was wrong. It'd only be three-fifths as bad.
Kiwi Juice reduces high blood pressure, full of vit C, antioxidants, potassium and improves eyesight health healthy
"Happy. We're supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family, happy to just be alive. whether we like it or not."
Being idle will always expose you to regrettable actions. Always get yourself busy with something profitable.
It's never okay for a man to toy with a woman's heart. If you're doing that to a woman you should be ashamed of yourself.
The problem with being gay It's a pain in the ass
Build a sense of black identity that is not based on the predominant narratives or teachings but in sources that reflect not only the inter generational trauma, but the inter generational dignity, resourcefulness and strength you have
The heart of a blue whale can weigh more than 1,300 lbs and can be heard beating from 2 miles away.
The 2020 election results are in! Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.
Boss: Where were you born? Santa : India. Boss: which part? Santa : What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India.
I tried to change my password to Beefstew1, but they said it wasn't stroganoff
I know it's wrong to generalize, but I just don't like murderers.
Whats black and thin and all over my private parts? Dead African Children
Celebrity death is always weird. It's so bizarre to mourn the death of someone I've never met. But fuck this one hurts. The air leaves my lungs every time I remember he's gone and it hasn't even been 24 hours. I love you, Kobe.
What is an electricians favorite type of news? Current events.
Charity just got the truth , the whole truth y'all. Greenleaf
What did the Blind, Deaf man get for Christmas?? Cancer
What do you call a Mexican Buddhist? Om-bre
If you're frustrated with dating because you have to do all the work and the girl doesn't, then dating, relationships and success in general is not for you. Not yet anyway. If you're complaining about the challenges of life, you're not ready.
I think bribery is a terrible and disgusting crime but $100 would change my mind
The original Star Wars movie wasn't named "A New Hope" until April of 1981. Four years after it originally debuted in theaters.
What are the best ways for those with mental health challenges to communicate their struggles and needs? We all need to be listening.
As I looked at my wife in her coma, I said to the doctor, 'That's it. Turn off the machine, I've given up hope'. 'Sir', he replied 'Your wife has been in that coma for 30 seconds'.
I keep trying to lose weight. But it keeps finding me.
woohoo I'm here
I think everyone comes off great in The Last Dance except maybe Jerry Krause, between the insanely unflattering photos and the short jokes. I mean, those photos are BAD. Michael and Scotty looking like legit statues and one pic of Jerry eating a sundae shot from below
Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was a 1080 quadruple kickflip down a big flight of stairs. The Bible left it out intentionally because it was awesome.
I scroll through twitter endlessly looking for something good or entertaining the same way I used to channels on the old TV set top box.
There are no Walmarts in New York City.
It's really hard to say what my wife does for a living. She sells sea shells on the sea shore.
A "body farm" is a specific place where criminologists and scientists leave human corpses around to study how they decay under various conditions.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? None. Dead prostitutes can't screw
her: let's all play a drinking game me: [scared of alcohol] haha yeah like we drink whenever we see a black person on friends
"Semantic satiation" occurs when a word loses its meaning and looks or sounds like gibberish after you've repeated it constantly.
Twitter will give a blue check mark to just about any scumbag out there. If you don't believe me, just look at all the politicians that have them.
"Don't tell me you're sorry because you're not." - Rihanna.
How is Black Kids Swim Working for You? Advocacy We raise awareness and advocate for our kids because we know the lack of Black competitive swimmers has never been about ability, it has always been about access.
A fun activity at the rodeo is walking around asking people if it's their first rodeo. It never gets old.
I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said... "That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"
Justice is best served cold. Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
What's with the machetes...grab the freakin grenade launcher, Dean...Come On!!!
Yo momma's so fat... She got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
From now on, rather than a gendered pronoun, I would like to be referred to as the elusive fifth flavor 'umami.'
What do they call fat chicks in France? American tourists!
Having kids is one of the most adorable and heartwarming ways to have all of your possessions destroyed.
A far right party wins an election in Germany with 60% of the vote. I did nazi that coming
"I'm not over you yet. And I don't wanna be your friend.' - Nina.
Math anxiety is a psychological disorder which causes stress and anxiety when doing math problems.
You may not know what tomorrow holds, but you can know the One who holds tomorrow
The pope walks into a Mosque A Muslim looks up and asks "Why the wrong faith?"
Don't be just a 'nice guy'. Don't be just a 'bad boy'. Be charming and loving like the nice guy and be confident and mysterious like the bad boy.
My heart is in pieces hearing the news of this unimaginable tragedy. I can't fathom what the families are going through. Kobe meant so much to me and to us all. Sending my prayers, love, and endless condolences to Vanessa and the family and anyone who lost someone on that flight.
New York City banned trans fats in 2014. By 2017, heart attacks and strokes fell by more than 6%.
The movie "Moana" was released as "Oceania" in Italy. Disney substituted the name because Moana is also a well-known Italian porn star.
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman? Rick O'Shea.
My wife and I don't often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I'm glad it's for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
In 2015 10yr old Alzain Tareq of Bahrain was the youngest swimmer in a World Championship, she swam the 50 fly in 41.13
Today I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm. Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure...
A quarter cup of sunflower seeds provides nearly 90% of recommended daily intake of Vit E which has very effective youth-enhancing qualities
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour. He was a danger to himself and udders.
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
[mattress shopping] Salesmen: Do you guys want to try it out before you buy it? Me: Sure *wife lays down on mattress, I go lay on couch in store lobby
Sitting in my car eating McD's, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go: "Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat.."
Though it's important that people know you, it is more important if they think you are worth knowing
One day I will get to bed early, but that day is not today.
Accept your flaws before other people try and use them against you
Glucose and not table sugar can offer a short-term boost to memory, thinking processes, and mental ability. juice honey
I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do." Then I said: "Turn left here."
Why does a a duck have feathers? To cover its butt quack.
Worlds greatest dangers: 3) Swimming with sharks 2) Wrestling grizzly bears 1) Saying you feel tired around a mother with a newborn baby
Psychology says: You don't really need someone to complete you. You only need someone to accept you completely.
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?" "Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan." "How do you know that?" "He told me as he was running off."
90% of dogs in Korea are inbred. ...like in a sandwich or something.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot before he hits the water. h
How do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian? Only a Canadian could get a 1 on Billboard with a song called Sorry.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt. Doctors have described his condition as stable.
Q5: How do we stop people from internalizing their own perceived stigmas as it relates to mental health? TWS Chat
Mango helps clearing clogged pores that causes acne. keep a thin slice of mango on your face for 10-15 min and then wash mango acne pores
What's the difference between black people and cancer? Cancer got Jobs.
Just read an interesting fact - Bruce Lee had a vegan brother; Broco Lee.
Waiting at the vet's office for my dog to get his shots. Might let the guy in the beard of wasps go ahead of me.
Today is Mother's Day. I celebrated by taking my wife to her favorite room in the house and leaving her alone.
Confidence isn't something you learn how to be. It's a level of development that comes from learning, practice and experience. So study and apply.
Imagine what being a parent Is like... now add 1000x more screaming
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop eating Pasta Now I'm feeling cannelloni
Surprise surprise surprise!
Jogging helps detoxifies the body & delivers nutritions & oxygen to your skin = collagen increases making the skin plump & glowing jogging
"I love horses" - Someone who would sit on a horse and make the horse carry them around.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
Got excited when I had to attend a class for daily sex. Turns out it's for dyslexia.
Looking for a great photographer in the DC area.
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions. I said: 'Wait! This isn't what you think it is!
I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I did it once and killed a cyclist.
Acts of Kindness: A random act of kindness, no matter how small, can make a tremendous impact on someone else's life.
What do you call a dog, that can perform magic? Labracadabrador.
"I guess I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. It's all part of some plan, you're supposed to learn something.."
The act of blowing out birthday candles on a cake increases bacteria by more than 1,400%.
12 yr old Lia Harrison went 34:59 in finals of 50 Breast at today's Junior Olympics bks junior olympics
Dear Twitter, Thank you for always being there for us
judge: what do you have to say for yourself scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers judge: oh damn
Yo mama is so stank... She has to put ice between her legs to keep the crabs fresh.
What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States? We wouldn't have to pay her as much.
I just saw a real idiot at the gym. He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
The brain's the body's most mysterious organ. It learns, it changes, it adapts. It tells us what we see, what we hear. It lets us feel love.
I got gas for $1.39 today. Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
I asked my wife if we could do 68 tonight. She'd blow me, and I'd owe her one.
Me: I wonder how a bill becomes a law? *music plays and the shit on my desk starts singing* Me: no stop I already looked it up on my phone
Cool times hanging out in DT Naperville IL for the first time!
The only power I've ever had in my life is working at the batting cages and someone told me to turn off the Steely Dan and I said 'did you say turn it up?' And then I turned it up.
They laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at them because they're all the same.'
You ever listen to someone talk but then realize you ain't really listening
Coffee and Cocaine It seems the only reason Columbia exists is to wake the rest of the world up....
Did you hear about that new lesbian reversal medicine? It's called Trycoxagin.
Why doesn't Superman need a boss? He already has supervision.
I'm not saying that girl's a slut... But she has touched more wieners than Heinz ketchup.
"There are definitely days when the romance is dead but if you look around, things are pretty amazing. So, stop for a second."
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing
Alpacas can die of loneliness. When purchased, they should always be bought in pairs.
SO many speculations on the what will happen in the season finale, can't wait to see it! The days are going by slower than usual..
There is nothing wrong with exploring one's sexuality--and that is my message to the California Highway Patrol.
Sometimes the changes are forced on us. Sometimes they happen by accident and we make the most of them.
"Back to the time, You were lying next to me. I looked across and fell in love.' - Ed Sheeran.
To move a mountain, you must first start with small stones.
Still figuring out this retweet crap, but to the folks on the barge that took those pics...thanks for the brews.
"There are some things you can't share without ending being friends." - Harry Potter
Carrot juice is rich in vitamin A. Vitamin A improves eye-sight and helps in bone-disorders, osteoporosis etc. health juice carrot eyes
When Pokemon Go was first released, it increased U.S. activity levels by 144 billion steps in just 30 days.
The NFL has no written rules against female players. Women would be allowed to participate if they met the league's eligibility requirements.
Mental health Myth or Fact: People with mental health problems can snap out of it if they try hard enough? NMMHAM What r other MH myths?
Why are 490 Romans funny? Because XD
just had a redbull, feelin' good, energetic, might upload a mukbang video I shot with josh... idk.... maybe. well it's happening anyways
Blockbuster had the chance to buy Netflix for $50 million in 2000. They turned it down to go into business with Enron.
I disagree with ALL OF YOU that say women belong in the kitchen. If my wife is in the kitchen, who's gonna suck my cock on the sofa?
There's nothing worse than people online who feel they can just command others to discuss a topic they bring up. Discuss.
In Mexico, the KKK is known as the What What What.
After Lawrence of Arabia died in a motorcycle crash in May 1935, his doctor, Hugh Cairns, realized that his life could have been spared if Lawrence had been wearing a helmet. Cairns recommended the use of crash helmets for military dispatchers, reducing deaths by 50%.
I never realized how easy and undemanding having one child was until we added a second child.
"Latchkey incontinence" is the phenomenon where the closer you get to a bathroom, the more you need to go. It's also referred to as Key-in-Lock Syndrome.
"You are terrible at metaphors." "Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you."
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't go apeshit and stalk me for years when I put a couple of loads in it.
How much room do fungi need to grow? As mushroom as possible.
Alcohol is the only liquid that it's cool to drink in excess. Try bragging about having 17 glasses of diet Pepsi and see who's impressed.
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don 't matter and those who matter don 't mind
Is there really such a thing as bisexual... Isn't it just homos getting it right occasionally?
This is the ideal time in the season to either plant tomatoes or enter into a land war with Russia, I forget which.
Anyone remember the joke about the dwarf? Can't think right now, should be easy to remember, it was only a short one.
How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome? You pull down its genes!
My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It's our sixth season together.
I don't care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
red wine is said to contain skin-friendly antioxidant grape-seed extract and resveratrol wine health skin
It was so long ago. I doubt I still have the video, but I'll look.
Your mama so fat.. Her curve set everyone's grade to A+
A cigarette is tobacco wrapped in paper. A cigar is tobacco wrapped in tobacco. spread truth
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said, a black guy would probably rob me.
They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama.... The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen
"I'm scared you'll forget about me." - John Mayer.
"It would be nice if its true. That we all have someone out there waiting for us, us waiting for them. I'm just not sure I believe it.."
Freddie Mercury spent his final months recording as many vocals as he could for Queen to use after his death.
The main thing I can derive from the video recommendations Netflix has for me is that they want me to have nightmares.
Impt for black women to forsake stubborn independence and learn and embrace interdependence. Accept support. No Mo Strong Blk Woman
I'm trying to figure out which iPhone to buy. The black one runs faster, but the white one actually works.
Using alcohol to loosen up or feel confident or to help you meet girls at bars might only be making things worse for you. On this previous episode, former alcoholic Shane Reymer, shared his experiences with alcohol, how it took over his life, how he recovered and how you can too.
Hear about the new gay sitcom? "Leave it, it's Beaver." 
Elvis Presley once flew from Memphis to Denver and back in one night for a Fool's Gold Loaf: An 8,000 calorie sandwich made from a hollowed-out loaf of bread, filled with an entire jar of jelly, an entire jar of peanut butter, and a pound of bacon.
My first day as a car salesman. Customer: Cargo space? Me: Car no do that. Car no fly. Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Even stars can't shine without darkness.
The signs of fall are here: The leaves are turning yellow, the temperature is dropping, Green Day are getting ready to retreat to their September hibernation...
I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday Fucking Hertz.
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
"black tea hones mental focus & concentration. the amino acid L-theanine found in black tea can help u relax & focus more fully on tasks"
You're supposed to trust your gut, right? When your body says run run!
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs? A mathemachicken.
wanna hear a dark joke? africas population
We'd like to provide at least 15 folx with funds for a holiday feast, but we need your help. Please give what you can ❤ï
GUY WHO SKYDIVES: You wouldn't believe the rush of adrenaline you get. ME: [thinking about when I use my phone in the tub and risk serious water damage that isn't covered by warranty] Oh I can imagine.
COOKBOOK: 1 cup blood, 1/2 cup the white stuff on the corner of an old man's mouth, 3 tablespoons powdered farts, one green pepper. ME: Ew green pepper.
My wife and I have adopted the parenting where we never let our kids see us yelling at each other... we go to our bedroom where they can only hear us yelling through the walls.
After all these years, my wife still thinks I'm sexy. Every time I walk by she says: 'What an ass!'
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she's a bitch
"I know it's not perfect, but it's life. Life is messy sometimes." -Mr. Levangie
leave only 3-4 hours between each meal. this will stoke metabolism to burn at a higher rate and help you lose weight weight
"What's worse? New wounds which are so horribly painful, or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did?"
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right." I said "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
Black Friday? Isn't that the day when you can buy slaves at a discount?
What do you call a gay person from Wisconsin? A Dairy Queen
Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan's, plays video games, and watches sports with me" wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga
Pineapple suppresses inflammation due to Bromelain. Pineapple aids digestion, helps to dissolve blood clots, and is very high in manganese
Facebook are launching a dating app that's going to let users choose between five genders. Well, I'm all for equality, and think it's about time they included the other three genders - 'Attention seeker', 'Mentally ill', and 'In denial'.
Have you ever wondered why white racist jokes are so shit? Because they were written by blacks.
ME: I made you some coffee! It's even double filtered... fancy right? WIFE: ME: WIFE: couldn't separate the coffee filters could you? ME: no
What do people call their grandmother in India? Naana
[meeting to create WebMD] WebMD CEO: Ideas for how the site should work? 'Make it accurately diagnose symptoms?' CEO: Wow, boring. 'Like a choose your own adventure book, but where you always end up dying?' CEO: Hell yeah, that's what I'm talking about
Do special ed teachers mark late students as tardy?
Vincent Zuniga from Metro Dynasty Swim Team grabs 1st in the boys 11-12 50 back with AAA time of 30:00 BHISM 30
Whatever your past may have been, your future is still spotless
"Your hands fits in mine like it's made just for me." - Little Things.
"When will I see you again? You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said, no final kiss to seal any sins" - Adele
The black smoke coming from my toaster indicates a new pop tart has been selected!
Just woke up to horrific news. Worst mass shooting in U.S. history. Thoughts and prayers, Las Vegas. 😔🙏🏼💔
The people who make you the happiest are the ones who can hurt you the most
I'm 'I'm having a hard time walking because I sat too long' years old
What's cooler than a talking dog? A spelling bee!
The average 25 to 34-year-old reportedly spends $2,008 a year at coffee shops.
The liver is the only human organ that possesses the capacity to regenerate. Just 25% of the original liver mass can regenerate back to its full size.
Because I believe we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart.
I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex" She replied: "At least it'll be quick."
What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador. corny
My wife was excited when I blindfolded her in the bedroom... until I spun her around 10 times and let her know we're playing pin the tail on the donkey.
Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.
What's the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber.
I've been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don't know how to tell her I forgot her name.
On a previous episode, a female listener left a voicemail and had something to say about the advice. Basically she says none of it's necessary and you'll do better if you "just be yourself". So you'll hear her voicemail and then my response to the worst dating advice ever given.
Green peas are an excellent source of fiber and vitamin C, vitamin K, and carotenes. health vitamin
How sad to hear about mem fox . She is my boys favorite author. I guess possum magic is too extremist? Or 10 fingers and toes too diverse?
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we're playing Cowboys and Indians and I'm a double agent.
"If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, change can feel like pure adrenaline. Like we can have another chance at life."
Hepatitis B is on the rise among Gay men. Check with any nearby clinic for your Hepatitis Vaccine. Protect yourself!.
Uranus is the only planet that spins on its side, thanks to early planetary collisions that knocked it over.
Here we go....live tweeting. SPN Fami Iy
What do you call a Scottish burgher? Big Mac.
To avoid a distracted driving ticket, keep your hands on the steering wheel and use your feet to text. The cops will have no idea.
I met a girl last night at a bar... She said she wanted the night to be magical... So i fucked her and disappeared.
Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.
Hitler reportedly had such bad breath that people would involuntarily take a couple of steps back when he opened his mouth.
What's the definition of 'Endless Love'? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.
I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
What do gays and melons have in common? cantaloupe...
Many black men have lost their confidence and inner peace all because they're gay. They forget being gay doesn't define your success neither does it determine your life span. Being gay is just a fraction of your whole being.
I may have overreacted after watching my wife perfectly fold a fitted sheet... and by that, I mean I pointed and screamed 'WITCH!!'
Listen without defending; speak without offending
It would be cool to get to a level of success where I can say the phrase: "People always ask me..." Right now people don't ask me about shit, nor should they.
Have to remember my stocked fridge is to last my family for weeks, not a challenge for me to finish all in one day 🙄
My butt is itchy. Someone must be talking about it.
Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my fuckin' dick!
Where do poor italians live? In the spaghetto.
How do I know if I'm bi or just gay? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
I made some fish tacos last night. But they just ignored them and swam away.
It's ironic the first thing blacks buy when they get money is a chain to put round their neck. They miss the good old days as much as we do.
If you're brave enough to criticize, you better be courageous enough to help
Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend? It was all yellow.
Ellen Pompeo and Sara Ramirez will be at the GLAAD Awards April 20th! Yay!
In 2017 I didn't jog. In 2018 I didn't jog. In 2019 I didn't jog. In 2020 I still haven't jogged. This is a running joke.
My wife always yells at me for not knowing how to properly season my food, but I don't mind. I take it with a pinch of sugar.
"Life is not the amount of breaths you take. It's the moments that take your breath away" - Hitch
satan: welcome to hell me: i guess you could say this is a really hot sp- satan: a hot spot yeah ok fucking settle down
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
"Can 2 people really be meant to be? Soul mates. M.F.E.O. It would be nice if it's true. That we all have someone out there waiting for us."
What do you call a Muslim who always makes mistakes? Errorist
Only about 2% of the world's population has green eyes.
Very very big Nerdist Podcast announcement tomorrow. Hostful going up in the am. It's not ending! Just wanna take that off your emotional table. Big announcement though. Scary! But exciting!
Sometimes it takes a while for lyrics to really sink in. For example: "I got more juice than Picasso got paint" Now that I have my PhD in Art History, I finally realize the singer was talking about quite the formidable amount of juice.
A man asks a woman: "-Did you know that laughter is second best way to convince a girl to have sex with you ? " "-Really, what is the first ?" "-A knife." "-Hahaha, you're so funny !" "-Good choice."
Sleep deprivation can lead to a buildup in protein associated with impaired brain function and Alzheimer's disease.
"It eventually hits us, it's been there all along. Not in our dreams or our hopes but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar."
"Fine. Walk away. It's what you do best."
How do you make a water bed more bouncy? You use spring water.
Your mamas so skinny she swallowed a meatball n thought she was pregnant.
Sometimes u have to make a mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes R painful but the only way to find out who u really are.
"The Lord loves to be loved." - Ibn Taymiyyah
What advice would you give this young lady along with others who may be battling with the same issue?
How can we expect non-Muslims to understand Islam, when we do such a terrible job of representing it?
George Lucas made the working title of Star Wars Episode II "Jar Jar's Great Adventure" to prank the crew and cast. He even labeled the original drafts of the scripts.
I was involved in a violent mugging this morning. On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.
Section 3 of the 25th Amendment, authorizing the Vice-President to assume office while the President is incapacitated, has been invoked only twice. In each instance, the President had a colonoscopy.
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" I replied, "Single handedly."
My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on.. Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex.
Snoop Dogg employs a full-time blunt roller who makes about $50,000 a year.
PITCHING A TV SHOW 2018: So the king's stepbrother is sleeping with his sister and also there are dragons and ice monsters and every time you think you know what's going to happen someone you like gets murdered. PITCHING A TV SHOW 1998: So a guy has a job and some friends.
My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.
*publisher, standing with 9yo daughter, looking out on 100,000 books ready to ship* Daughter: shouldn't it be Marly and I? *eyes get wide*
My Grandpa used to gather us around to tell us stories about surviving World War Two. My dad just gathered us around to watch a YouTube clip of an Asian child playing 'Africa' by Toto on a rubber chicken.
For a date tonight, my wife and I will spend 90 mins looking for a movie to watch that I will fall asleep in the first 5 mins of.
I think my daughter is gay however I do not know how to approach this topic with her. I find that she is struggling with a friend that she like and I want to support her through this, did you ever go through this as a parent?Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Sometimes, no matter how much something is hurting you, letting it go hurts even more.
Cold shower is believed 2 cure depression & anxiety. It stimulates a blue spot in the brain depression
[Reading Podcasting For Dummies] Book: The contents of your podcast can be literally anything you want. Just be yourself and have fun with it! Me: *creates a half hour weekly podcast of crying into a microphone*
"You know I never wanna hurt you." - Jordin Sparks.
Why was the white biologist considered racist? Because he wanted to preserve his culture h
How many feminists does it take to change a light-bulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
The expected is just the beginning. The unexpected, is what changes our lives.
I hate how your family stops giving you money for your birthday as you get older. I need it more now than when I was 7 Auntie Barbara. I'm starving.
Breathe in, breathe out, and decide.
A can of soda contains 10 teaspoons of sugar soda sugar
Nickelback's "How You Remind Me" was the most-played song on U.S. radio in the first decade of the 2000s. It was played more than 1.2 million times.
Twins and mama bear are napping... Time to practice my COD skills so I could stop being a burden to teams ¥º.... ˜‚.....oooh I hurt my own feelings ˜­
me: [being pulled out of my flipped car] can you get my ipod nano paramedic: no me: ok
"Mirror on the wall, here we are again, Through my rise and fall, You've been my only friend" - Lil Wayne ft. Bruno Mars.
Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts. Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"
I truly hope there are people in France who believe that, in America, LeBron is known as TheBron.
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" "Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
This Black Friday, I'm choosing small local businesses for my frenzied, materialistic rampage.
Wife: I lost my keys Man: Its in your jeans Wife: Dont drag my family into this.
Don't give up what you want most, for what you want right now
I have OCD so whenever someone says "tho" I always respond with "ugh"
It's too bad there aren't more people posting about travel and fitness on instagram. I just can't get enough of seeing attractive people enjoy their lives while I sit at my desk eating a Big Mac and crying.
Re: colorism, should black moms feel rejected if sons date/marry/prefer women w lighter skin than theirs?
I played UNO with my cousins from Mexico last weekend. They just call it **ONE**
"I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry." - Eminem.
I was seeing this girl for about six weeks, until someone took my binoculars.
Whats fat on the bottom, skinny on the top, and has ears? Mountains! ...what? You've never head of mountaineers?
Babies are the worst. Why did we have one? It's 3am and I'm sleep deprived and exhausted. I'm at my wits end. This was a huge mista... oh wait he's smiling at me. Aw man, This feeling is amazing! I love being a dad.
There's no rest for the wicked... unless you're really wicked, then they put you in solitary confinement where that's pretty much all you do.
I'm gonna use this thread to tell you about some cool projects my friends are working on. If you have a friend working on something you'd like to support, reply with a link for people to see!
If you're happily married, make sure your spouse too
If I had wings, I'd spread them and soar like an eagle for about ten minutes then space out on a phone wire with these fat pigeons
Tonight I'll be dishing behind the scenes fun from the premiere episode of Were Here. Tweet me your questions using Were Here Rewind and I'll answer them tonight during the replay at 9PM on HBO.
When my wife is snoring, I always wake her to tell her how many likes the video of it I put on Facebook is getting
I played hockey and soccer when I was a kid. I was never very good at either, but I had fun playing with my friends. I never thought about playing baseball. It seemed way to slow for me.
12 yr old Jourie Wilson continues her streak. 1st in 50 free with 26.41 blackgirlmagic black kids swim NBHCSM 16 black kids swimcary2016
"I wanna be myself again, ready to get back to my feet. I lost myself there for awhile, and now I'm ready to get myself back."
When the eclipse comes I'm going to borrow the special glasses my wife uses when I'm shirtless.
Sparkling water has an ingredient called bicarbonate. Bicarbonate minimizes calcium loss from the bones calcium water
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl? "Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy"
me: ok now keep control of the wheel and slowly press the gas pedal, you're doing great goose: honk me: yes we will get to that
There are literally no words for how vibrantly prismatic I find the technicolor hues of a rainbow.
We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the... Minneapolis.
Chadwick Boseman, star of "Black Panther," has died at 43 following a 4-year struggle with colon cancer.
What do you call a dinosaur that practices Islam? A Quranosaurus.
Here's to Henrik Stenson on his TOUR Championship by Coca-Cola win and being the 2013 Fed Ex Cup Champion!!
My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me! I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.
Work is an essential component of health and mental health. black minds matter
The older I get, the more I realize what really matters in life.
You can't force someone to stay in your life. Staying is a choice, so be thankful for the person that chooses you.
Im excited to have Tubman on the twenty So we can use black people as currency again
What's the difference between my dick and my paycheck? I don't have to beg my wife to blow my paycheck.
How do Christians eat their icecream? They Catholick it.
"We make mistakes. And when we blow it, we're sorry. Not that being sorry really matters, not anymore. No apology in the world matters now."
transition can feel like 1 long, scary tunnel.. but you have to come out the other side, 'cause what's been waiting there might be glorious.
Elmo is the only non-human to ever testify before the US Congress.
Hey guys just a polite reminder, if you promised to love your spouse 24/7. Today is 24/7 ˜˜
What's the difference between Santa Claus and a jew? Santa goes down the chimney christmas jokes
What are your H Mart faves everyone? It’s on Instacart which is a game changer
Most men believe that they're the ones always making the first move when it comes to approaching. Wrong. Women do this by sending non-verbal signals that she's interested, like eye contact.
Children can suffer permanent neurological damage from abuse and neglect due to increased adrenaline levels and cortisol in their bloodstream. This is called Toxic Stress Syndrome.
What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend? A Guantanamo Bae
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere!
I asked my sister how her blind date went "Oh it was terrible" she said, "He showed up in a 1948 Rolls-Royce." "So what's so bad about *that*?" I asked. Apparently he was the original owner.
No need to explain: 1. Your real friends don't need it. 2. Your enemies won't believe it anyway.
My wife left me because "I am addicted to video games".. I was so sad I could hardly console myself
What is an amputees favorite movie? Armageddon.
Realizing The Last Dance is also a documentary about male trauma and emotional suppression
Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it's not real life.
So I gave a blind guy a basketball. I think he's still trying to read it
ME AFTER 2 GLASSES OF WINE: This beautiful life is meant to be enjoyed! Let us feast and make merry! ME AFTER 4 GLASSES OF WINE: I have 938 worst enemies and I will now name them all.
No one becomes great by showing how small someone else is
I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, 'don't let horses perform medical procedures?'
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord
I used to be addicted to time travel. But that's all in the past now.
I just called the paranoia hotline. A guy answered: ' How hell did you get this number?!'
I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
The giveaway winners will be announced in 5 days! On the discord channel!
when i'm with you, i don't feel so alone
Tall people have a greater risk of cancer because they are bigger and have more cells in their bodies in which dangerous mutations can occur, according to research from the University of California Riverside.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned.
I've noticed that men who tell women to "smile more" rarely comply when politely asked to "exist less."
What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle.
Who has fistfights in person? Fight online in the comment section like a normal person.
Vaseline is a favorite product for growing eyebrows. Apply twice a day on your eyebrows eyebrows vas line
Why did the vegan cross the road? To tell someone he was a vegan.
Premature ejaculation.... the single biggest compliment a man can pay a women and they fucking moan about it.
I saw a post on Craigslist that said: Radio for sale, $1. Volume knob stuck on full. I thought to myself, I can't turn that down!
They called it duct tape because kidnapping adhesive sounds too conspicuous.
It's a good thing they didn't let me name the constellations because I would've named them like "freckles" and "a bunch of spilled rice".
I've never been more jealous of my brother who owns a big house. It must be amazing to have all those rooms where you can go to avoid your wife and kids.
My girlfriend hate when i call her fat And now she want us to break up so i said : What about the baby.
"I think it's better to have someone. Even if it hurts, even if it is the most painful thing you have done."
I don’t watch a lot of reality TV, but I am now watching a really popular show. My question is, how do you put up with the endless repeating of information? These people are just reiterating and having the same conversations over and over. Is this enjoyable?
Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters. Ten long miserable years.
Of course, sometimes we have impulses we'd rather not control... that we later wish we had.
Q. How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish? A. When he goes to confession he takes a lawyer with him.
27 Guys, never forget your anniversaries with your girl. She may act like it's okay, but she'll never forget that you forgot.
"My mother once told me that bad news is just good news in disguise." - Ice Age
Wife: I'm pregnant. Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No, you're not.
hey girl, are you my mom? cuz i'd like to kill your husband and fuck you
Two-thirds of promotion is motion
I entered my sons room and said, "Remember, boy, masturbating can make you go blind." "I'm over here dad." He replied.
The iconic "Here's Johnny!" scene in "The Shining" took three days to film and 60 doors.
Seriously! Go watch The Smalls World Show!
A banker broke up with his girlfriend... He lost interest.
Vanilla essential oil has sedative-like properties. Some practitioners use vanilla essential oil to treat insomnia, anxiety, & depression
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, "That's outrageous!" He just shrugged and said, "That's inflation for you."
Confucius say... ...sex on beach is like American beer, very near water.
DYK: Minority Mental Health Month was started in honor of Bebe Moore Campbell? Check out our Sheroes of Black Mental Health series for others!
What did you all think of last nights episode?
What do Germans look at on the internet? Danke memes
Women get a better night's rest when they're sleeping next to do dogs as opposed to men, according to researchers from Canisius College.
What do you call a Catholic Missionary who is also a car enthusiast? A Catholitic Converter
Why do gay men float? Flambuoyancy
You can't sneeze while you're asleep.
Accountant: You're basically broke. Wife: He keeps spending money on stupid stuff. Me: Let's ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid?
If you’re reading this, I love you.
Jesse Jackson: "We must protect the recent, the disenfranchised, and the supressed voter. When our vote doesn't count, it matters." no b c o
What's it called when you sneak into a homosexual wedding? A gay-tecrash Dad joke, right there
I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourettes Society. It's the thought that cunts!
Cas must have eaten that old turkey sandwich Dean was keeping in the fridge. Sorry pal. indigestion
Compromise is so important. Like how I wanted to name our son "Pat" and my wife wanted to name him "Rick" so we met in the middle and went with "Rickpat"
In 2018, three rhino poachers were mauled to death by lions before they were able to kill any rhinos.
I started wearing skinny jeans because they're fashionable and I was tired of my wife respecting me as a man.
30% of all URIs are complicated by AOM AAP 19 Tweetiatrician
me: [panting as i sprint at the gym] guy on the treadmill next to me: stop bringing that fucking harmonica
Despite increased awareness about the dangers of tobacco, the % of Georgia smokers remains higher than the national average. GA Quits
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob* Wife: What are these? Me: The synonym rolls you asked for. Wife: CINNAMON.
Just finishing up my taxes and am now a little worried about my tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.
Did you hear about the vegan transgender? He was a herbefore.
If you Google 'How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?' the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Please respect my privacy while I'm trying to recover from the heartache and disappointment of the soft serve ice cream machine being out of order at the buffet I went to tonight.
What do you call Halloween for feminists? Triggertreat
In the U.S., loneliness has been labeled as an epidemic worthy of public health intervention. Persistent loneliness can become a serious problem that damages physical health and shortens lifespan similar to that caused by smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
I picked up a hitchiker last night. He said "thanks but how do you know I'm not a serial killer?" I replied "the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical"
Consistently, use skin creams that contain retinol which renew surface cell. it usually takes 30 days for results to show. skin
A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.
My wife is kicking me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor. More on that after the break...
My girlfriend left me because apparently I try to act like an American. So I mowed down her entire family with a machine gun.
In the Ancient Persian empire, men would debate ideas while sober and while drunk because they believed an idea had to sound good in both states in order to be considered an acceptable idea.
"A 4% reduction in water in your body can cause as much as a 30% decline in work performance" water dehydration
What's the difference between MLK day and St Patrick's day? Nobody minds being Irish for one day!!!!
Just got home from my first day of clock school and it did not go great. I asked the teacher if tocks were really any different than ticks. He called me an 'ill-bred sun-dialer' and the entire class burst out laughing. Father was right, these people will never accept me.
'use a topical facial vitamin C formula. it helps produce elastin and collagen while it releases oil and dirt in skin pores'
I can hear the lesbian couple next door to me having sex every night. It's not easy, but if I turn the TV off and unplug the fridge, I can just about hear them.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband's surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
What's it called when a King and Queen have no children? A receding heir line
Children get all their energy by leaching it directly from their parents. The more energetic the child, the more exhausted the parent. Look it up, it's science.
Only ten more American gun massacres until christmas
What do you call a beehive that has no exits? Un-bee-lievable.
Me: my car smells like Chinese food but I only ate Subway Sherlock Holmes: that's not the kind of mystery I do Me: yes it is let's go
Islamic tradition is centered around community. There are more than 300 mosques in New York alone, all which traditionally are packed with worshippers for iftaar and Jummah prayers on Fridays. This will be an incredibly lonely Ramadan for many.
Something to remember about fear: "Your fear is 100% dependent on you for its survival" ~ Dr. Steve Maraboli
"Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, and dreams are forever." - Walt Disney
Sure, white people can't say the "n word" But at least we can say phases like "thanks for the warning officer" and "hey dad."
Spicy foods promote good circulation. When you eat spicy food, your body's temperature is raised & your blood flow increase
Q: Why are all blacks fast? A: The slow ones are in jail.
Why is 16 always full? Because it 8 and 8.
We have just had a baby and I asked my wife about breast feeding, "Fuck off" she said, "it's just for the baby"
My parents treat me like a god. They don't believe in me
..hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me!"
"listening to soothing music that relaxes your body and elevates your mind can significantly reduce how much stress you feel" music
me: how will i die fortune teller: unequivocally, and finally...happy me: [tearing up] oh wow- fortune teller: also naked in a mcdonalds drive thru what the fuck
I busted my nose earlier today... I suppose women can call the aftermath a hot mess.
We haven't been out of the house in months but still managed to lose half our Tupperware
What did Stevie Wonder say when he found out he was blind...? "At least I'm not black"
My wife left me because I'm too insecure No wait, she's back She just went to make a cup of coffee
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
People who use the phrase "needless to say", but go on to tell whatever was needless to say anyway are why I have trust issues in life.
I don't have unrealistic expectations for life, I just wish everything went right for me all the time, that's all.
Texting while driving increases the chances of a crash or a near-crash by 23 times.
What has helped you to step boldly into your truth to have the courage to share the things you do?Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Mistakes make you human. Failure makes you stronger. Trials keep you patient. Faith gives you honour
"All any one needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone. Someone to play with, run around with or just hang out."
criminal: oh no it's lobster man lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch criminal: [takes out rubber bands] lobster man: oh god no
ME: I'm such an idiot. ME, 3 DRINKS IN AND FEELING WISE: A broken clock is right twice a day, but a working clock set improperly is wrong all the time. Wow. Yes. Write that down. That's a tattoo.
Ready for: S un -kissed skin. U nforgetable days. M emories waiting to happen. M eeting new people. E ndless nights. R eal fun.
Just saw it with Stedman. It's Phenomenal!! Layers and layers of it. Wakunda ForEveeeerrrr! Black Panther
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I fell into a septic tank yesterday. I had a shitty day.
Not only does sex relieve stress and boost your immune system; it can also help prevent heart attacks.
Humans have specialized scent receptors for things that smell like cheese.
Good morning to ace twitter only
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense. Even if you get fired you still have to come in the next day.
What do you call it when an immigrant and a pedophile get into a fight? Alien Vs. Predator
when she texts you "k", she is pissed
" If I could change the world overnight. There'd be no such thing as goodbye." - Ariana Grande Ft. Nathan Sykes.
What do you do when you see an amputee hanging from a tree? Start shouting out letters.
Matt, who went to FSU, left a voicemail and wanted to know how to take conversations with girls to "the next level". So on this previous episode we talk about how to convey interest in a girl in a non-creepy way. We talk about approaching, flirting, innocent touching and teasing.
Sorry I'm just ranting about FB/Insta this morning because it's been eating at me. But it really is a big deal with severe and far-reaching consequences not just for indie creators but for how information itself is shared. Ok I'll shut up now and go back to my dumb wiener jokes.
At Christmas time,the love and kindness that we share make the stars twinkle just a little bit brighter! May your Christmas shine w/ happiness
All girls want to cuddle. There's nothing better than laying in your arms.
"Trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that's the point."
My roommate says our house is haunted I've been living here for 300 years and i haven't noticed shit.
If you’re reading this, I care for you deeply.
Why did the raging alcoholic throw his wife off a cliff? Tequila
I have a solution to 99% of the racism, homophobia and gender issues in the world.. Let's just kill all the self righteous liberal leftie woke snowflakes. Then we can rationaly deal with injustice, get on with our lives, and all mind our own fucking business.
What is al-queda's favorite football team? The New York Jets.
The biggest hit at my Oscar party is always the meatloaf shaped like an accountant from Price Waterhouse.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over me: [through foam mascot head] ya
me: [getting down on one knee] i've wanted to ask you since we met her: me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
While filming the movie, Robin Williams would walk around San Francisco as Mrs. Doubtfire to see if his character was believable.
If you’re “not into politics”, then you are complicit in our country’s horrors.
When I grill burgers, I take a tip from the restaurant guys and, at the last minute, sprinkle in just a hint of e.coli.
I am giving up drinking for a month Sorry that came out wrong I am giving up. Drinking for a month
What's the worst part about being a black Jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven. h
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her "First offender?" She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."
What is the most popular kids show in the Middle East? Dora the EXPLODER
If I learned anything from Forest Gump it's that people who love to run are retarded.
I'm not saying I over complicate things but I probably would've spent a lot of time trying to make ice hands before I thought of oven mitts.
"It's okay not to be okay. Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart. Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising." - Jessie J
Drinking coffee before working out can give you a strong boost and help maximize exercise's benefits, enhancing energy output and fat burning.
"They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone." - Shrek
Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me. I'm fine - I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
The ocean is the best place for a depressed fisherman to see kelp.
Terrible office scheduling here. Somehow, Bring Your Dog to Work Day is on the same day as Wear Steak Pants to Work Day.
Yo mama so fat, when she went to Hogwarts for the first time, the sorting hat said "Awwwwww hell 'naw!!"
When it comes to tipping cows, I always like to leave at least a 15% gratuity.
Can we squash this completely false narrative that the protestors are the looters? The media would have you believe that the protestors are turning violent mid protest and that's just NOT TRUE!
Finding work is more than about finding work, it is about human potential. ~Michael Cryor Black Minds Matter
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you're homosexual" I then wait at traffic lights and turn the engine off when they go green.
This morning I saw the milkman drinking a sip of milk before leaving it in front of my door. How dairy!?
Sometimes you find yourself becoming stronger, better equipped to deal with the next disaster that comes along. Sometimes, but not always.
Tinder announced a new feature this week which gives users 37 gender options to choose from And it's now easier than ever to avoid matching with the mentally unstable
ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming. GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills
I found out some people don't cry in the bathroom at work. What a bunch of weirdos.
What do you call a black person on the moon? A problem What do you call all black people on the moon? A solution
Don't assume the worst in people when you see them doing something you don't understand. Just ask them.' Sonia Sotomayor scotus AAP 19
Great time today. Best fans ever. Van Con 2014
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment? Tenants
Right before I die, if my life flashes before my eyes, I hope there aren't 30 second ads before each section.
Welcome to Auntie Red Tweet Tea. If you have any questions or want to contribute to the conversation remember to use the hashtag.
Why do they call giving birth "delivery"? Shouldn't it be called "take out"?
Got an e-mail today from a, "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.
Everyone wants to be accepted by a world that is unacceptable
My girlfriend accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn't matter. It's all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
Talk about a sucker - I just traded this guy my signed Michael Jordan rookie card for 2 rolls of toilet paper. What an idiot - that card isn't going to be worth anything when he wipes his butt with it.
What did the Texas sheriff say about the black guy who was shot 15 times? "Worse case of suicide I ever saw."
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It's not the best... But it's up there.
Make her feel like your life would suck without her
Still not sure why, at the end of my appointment, the proctologist gave me a new toothbrush.
I knew a fat doctor once, who was obsessed with the weather. He was a meaty urologist.
I just bought a Pontiac that sexually identifies as a Ferrari It's a Trans Am
Yo mama so fat The hulk couldn't even lift her up
At this point I'm a little offended the lady at #Chipotle still asks what I want. This is my 4th burrito today. Bitch, I know you know me.
Very sorry to hear the news of a great loss to the Hawaiian film community— RIP Archie Ahuna...
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines. It's always the centre of a tension.
Ey foo, you know I love you right foo?
My partner is currently pregnant from a donor. She was able to conceive while we were on a "break" from our relationship. The thing is I don't want kids and she knew this. I love her and she wants us to work out. Is there any advice you can give me? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
In light of that, beginning today Out we will only be using the Black Lives Matter hashtag in connection with news and updates around this movement. This digital real estate is vital for Black activists and protestors on the ground disseminating information in real time.
I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
What do you call a zombie's boner? A reserection.
Modesty is not just what you wear; it's also how you conduct yourself
Have you ever eaten African food... Neither have they
Toddlers step on your junk when you're lying down because they're trying to prevent you from having more children. It's science.
I was in an American school library recently, going through a few magazines. Then my fucking rifle jammed.
I'm a surgeon I do the rescuing, you are not my night in shining whatever.
A Japanese teenager approaches his father nervously... "Dad, I have to tell you something. Please don't be upset, but I'm gay." "How could I not be upset?! Why not gay plus!?"
I remember when I first started dating my wife, I got a hard-on just watching her eating a banana. Now after ten years of marriage, I only get aroused if she starts choking on it.
What are a chocolate bar's preferred gender pronouns? Her/she.
What do you call a set of chairs kept outside in Ireland? Paddy O' Furniture
We watch from the sidelines clinging to our isolation, b/c we know as soon as we let go of the bench, someone comes along and changes the game.
Educator and Feminist Jackie Anderson was a powerhouse in LGBT civil rights. A native Chicagoan, she was a graduate of Roosevelt University and an Assitant Professor of Humanities and Philosophy at Olive-Harvey College since 1975; where she also served as department chair.
In Hawaii, people are legally allowed to throw their loved one's ashes into a volcano. They just have to do it discreetly and pay $25 for a permit.
The main reason your wife doesn't like the way you breathe is because it reminds her you're still alive
What did Asian Jesus say before he was crucified? YORO (You only resurrect once)
What does a blonde owl say? Why!
Catfishing is criminal! It speaks lowly of the catfisher and even counts for impersonation. Stop that disgusting act!
WIFE: Please stop. ME: Stop what? WIFE: Singing in the shower. ME: What's the big deal? WIFE: You're scaring everyone at Home Depot.
A German bakers was robbed... Apparently everything was stollen.
Sometimes, i'm tired of my own feelings.
"Watermelon & cucumbers r among a dog's favorite foods, once they r introduced to them. & they supply valuable enzymes to a dog's system"
Why do midgets laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls
My life has been going round in circles recently. I'm starting to think that my wheelchair is faulty.
Hallelujah.... I've finally figured out how to get a Jewish girl's number. I rolled up her sleeve.
What do you get when you mix a Native American and an Irishman? An alcoholic with a drinking problem
What do you call immigrants to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey.
What do you get from 3 girls from Arkansas? Damn near a whole set of teeth.
ME: I don't have a very good imagination. ME, WEARING A BACKPACK: I am a horse and a tiny man is riding me.
There will ALWAYS be a Valentine Day on Feb. 14. If you don't have that special person for Val's Day, be assured love will find you someday.
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue? It was about a week back.
Tonight, take a stand for our rights and liberties with funsters Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin and a bunch of others to raise money for the ACLU...
Ay' girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb
What was the name of the pakistani hide and seek champion ? 'amhid'
"There's no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding. To accept who you really are."
100m Dash A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash" Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?" "No, with 8 black men and a gun."
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?! Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
My sword doesn't weigh much. It's my light saber.
"You did everything. You accepted me for who I am, and not for what you wanted me to be." - The Vow
I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell Looking at it now, I see why
I asked my wife for the newspaper, but she said, "Just use my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it.
Never say goodbye, because goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting. -Peter Pan
I'm writing a cookbook for parents with small kids...it's called 'Meals that will be easy to clean off of the floor'.
My guest is Sirhud Kalra. He is a life coach from India so he understands the challenges Indian men have when it comes to relationships and how social media has made things even more challenging. His insights will help you find your purpose despite confusing cultural differences.
What is the official novel of Mexico? Tequila Mockingbird
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes Me: I wish for a world without lawyers Genie: Done, you have no more wishes Me: But you said 3 Genie: Sue me.
Knowing how to flirt is more effective than being gorgeous when it comes to attracting potential mates. People who show their availability and confidence with simple flirting tactics, like eye contact and smiles, are approached more than the most physically attractive people.
5-a-day becomes 7-a-day as researches and scientists urge people to eat more vegs and fruits.
A school of clownfish is always built into a hierarchy with a female fish at the top. When she dies, the most dominant male changes sex and takes her place. If "Finding Nemo" were biologically accurate, Nemo's father would have become a female.
I saw a black guy riding a bike... At first I thought it was mine, then I realized mine is at home, washing the dishes.
"Think that we got more time, when we're falling behind, gotta make up our minds.' - Same Mistakes.
What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of 4.
"Everyday we get the gift of life. It can be painful. It can be terrifying, but in the end, it's worth it every time."
If Johnny has $20 and Tyrone takes $16... What color is Tyrone?
What's a drug lord woman called? A drug lady? A heroin heroine?!
At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody.
"This never should've happened to you, and if there were any chance that I could magically change things, believe me, I would."
Why do Native Americans like being invited to Thanksgiving dinners? Because usually they're stuck with reservations.
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years? Church
If she's not ruining your life.....She's just not that into you.
I'm much more supportive of my wife having a giant purse after watching her sneak a 6 pack of beer into the movie theater for me.
How the fuck do people in wheelchairs propose?
We truly live in the upside down
thank god our app has the explore feature so i can search for my own London Boy 😼🇬🇧
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can't be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
me: [waddling up in a penguin suit] good morning bowling alley manager: oh absolutely not
What do you call a Jewish rapper? A rappi.
Just stirred my coffee with a fork if any of you guys are looking for a new bad boy to join your crew.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won't fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
"I promise falling for me, won't be a mistake.' - Illusion.
My massage therapist got fired... I guess she rubbed too many people up the wrong way.
Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.
did you know you can tell how much a girl likes you by the position of their feet Chances are if her feet are next to her ears she really likes you.
Awesome SPN episode!!!! LOVED it! proud wife SPN Family
I told my wife that a husband ages like wine. We get better with age. Then she locked me in the cellar.
The difference between polygamy and monogamy. Polygamy is having too many wives, but monogamy is having one wife too many.
What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? HAND EYYYYYYYYYEEE
What do you call a Jew with a pH lower than 7? ....hasidic I'll let myself out now. I know that was matzo good...
What is a pirates favorite letter? P. Because without it, he'd be irate.
Why did the midget get slapped? Because he told a woman how nice her hair smelled.
A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams.
Holding one of those artist paint palettes but the paints are different sauces and I have a nugget in my brush hand. My mouth is the canvas.
Fellas: Don't be mad when someone else starts to appreciate the woman you took for granted. What you won't do, someone else will.
Gorillas burp when they're happy.
A girl with 12 boobs sounds weird, dozen tit?
What's a Southeastern Asian business professional's favorite food? Tie food
My wife and I just made a porno. Too bad she's my late wife.
Cotton Candy was invented by a dentist.
If bad Russian puns were worth a Nikolai would be rich. rofl
A 2019 survey found that 30% of millennials feel they have a better shot at landing a date with an A-list celebrity than ever owning a home.
I'll never forget my sons first words... "Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
What kind of tree has the best bark? A dogwood h
I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously, it wasn't called that. It was advertised as a 'School Reunion.'
Tom Cruise split with all three of his wives when they were 33 years old.
"My life is stupid and ordinary. I don't even know what I'm doing here"
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea. I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
I think I'm pretty perceptive but I've been flying around the sun at 67,000 mph since I was born and haven't even noticed.
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home? His sails went through the roof.
Catholic church must be serious. Everything with Mass has gravity, after all.
"You can't trust anyone but yourself. The only instinct you can count on is your own. The only skills you can count on is your own."
If I had a dollar for everytime a girl found me unattractive... ...they would eventually find me attractive
What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short corny
Proud that I helped blind kids today. A total of 11 children lost their sight today!
Learn to light a candle in the darkest moments of someone's life. Be the light that helps others see; it is what gives life its deepest significance.
People who work an average of 11 or more hours a day are 67% more likely to die from a heart attack, according to a study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine.
*Folding the receipt and placing it in my briefcase* Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?
Did you hear about the Frenchman who fell off his roof, but landed on a pile of baguettes? He survived, but was in a lot of pain.
In the last five minutes, the earth traveled more than 5,000 miles.
I think I might need a shave and a football kick soon.... stay tuned
A rabbit named Dory once helped save her owner's life after he slipped into a diabetic coma. She jumped on his chest furiously until her odd behavior caught the attention of the man's wife. She thought he was sleeping, and then called for help.
Hey Denver Con 2015 thanks for a great weekend. Let's do it again sometime. SPN Family
Cop: I'm arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: Wait! I can explain everything.
The journey is what brings you happiness, not the destination
How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Pomegranate molasses contains several B vitamins including B1, B3, B5 and B6. Add it to your salads, beans, fish, lamb and vegs vitamins
My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time. So I bought a puppy to cheer me up.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids' faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Critics are calling my performance of Wife Pretending To Care About Her Husband's Work Story "emotionally charged" and "daring".
Unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic because they are more likely to be dead
One unintended consequence of unprotected sex is that sometimes, 6 years later, a small child is forced to learn the recorder.
A guy I know calls women's periods "shark week." I asked him why, and he told me "Beware of blood in the water. The fearsome beast will bite your head clean off, unprovoked, when you least expect it."
A new Rodrigo Prieto movie?! I’m there. The Irishman
Tonight's supermoon will be the largest in 86 years. So don't forget to glance up and nod vaguely before moving on with your life. supermoon
I once got screamed at in 2012 by my boss for following an evacuation notice in the middle of hurricane season. He made me drive back through a tornado warning because there was a scheduled rally the next morning.
What do Jesus and your mom have in common? They both got nailed all night.
It isn't that I'm not going to watch the news tonight. Of course I'm watching the news tonight. It's just that I'm going to have a couple of stiff drinks and read *a lot* of Robert Benchley before I do, that's all.
Movie idea: The Shining but the hotel is on a tropical island and there is free wifi and drink deals if you have a wrist band.
Nothing beats a pretty girl with a beautiful singing voice except for Chris Brown
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy? An oopsie-daisy
What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard? A new last name.
I've got 99 problems and bottles of beer on the wall are all of them.
Main vitamins necessary for maintaining good eyesight are vitamins A, C, and E. Eat foods rich in these vitamins eyesight vitamins
"You can't live your life for other people. You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love." - The Notebook
I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No, this is her husband." I said, what a fucking idiot.
PS: You don't see stars in satellite images because the light reflected by Earth is much brighter.
What's 4 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy. An empty toilet roll.
Did you hear the one about the 2 gay ghosts? They kept giving each other the willies!
Maaaaan. From playing Jackie Robinson in 42 to Black Panther. He was such a talent! Condolences to the family of Chadwick Boseman.
Why was there semen on the clean laundry? When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note reading, "Please put a load in the washer"
What do you call an Egyptian spine manipulator? A Cairo-practor
What do you call the space between fake tits? Silicon Valley.
Mother's Day is that special day once a year where my toddler takes all the credit for the gift I was obligated to buy for his mom.
A woman has sued a hospital, stating that after a recent operation, her husband had lost interest in sex. The surgeon replied "all we did was restore his eyesight"
"Alcohol use during pregnancy is the leading known cause of development disability and birth defects in the US." fasd awareness day
Use the same body language patterns as she does to create rapport. Mirror or match her body positions in a subtle way. She'll feel 'the click'.
massage olive oil on scarred skin. Olive oil has a moisturizing quality that softens the skin's texture and reduces visibility of acne acne
I'm going skiing in Colorado. They say there are a lot of blacks there. But there are a lot of blues and greens as well, so I should be okay.
Black queer masculine cis women, in addition, are all but invisible within queer and straight media which ultimately mutes their narrative and disempowers their agency as women. We will dive into it all!
"He never married" was a code phrase often used by obituary writers in the United Kingdom as a euphemism for the deceased having been homosexual.
The wife has piled on the pounds of late, last night I came home from work and she was lying on the bed in a leopard skin print dress .... I thought it was Fred Flintstone.
On your way to a swim meet? Post pics using BK Sswimmeetsaturdays and you'll have a chance to win free BKS gear
Black people love boom boxes .. I hate to generalize, but it's their stereotype ;-)
During sex last night, the wife asked me what my favourite sexual position was. "On top of someone else you fat bitch," I replied.
Very pleased to see this important part of black history highlighted. Hope you tuned in to Black Panthers PBS
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
What do you call a Mexican hooker who doesn't charge any money? Fritatas
I might as well delete twitter and Facebook. My kids got me a smart thermostat for Father's Day, so from now on I'll be spending all my time on my phone monitoring the house temperature.
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes. I told her to lighten up (although she does have a lot on her plate).
It was said in the news that one in four women are on antidepressants or antipsychotics. That is a terrible statistic, it means three quarters of women aren't getting the treatment they need.
"Our lives are steered by uncertainties... if we persevere and remain generous of heart, we may be granted a moment of supreme lucidity—a moment in which all that has happened to us suddenly comes into focus as a necessary course of events" —A Gentleman In Moscow Books Connect Us
eating yoghurt on a regular basis helps a lot in absorbing the vitamins in other foods you eat
You do not write your life with words...You write it with actions. What you think is not important. It is only important what you do.
Why do Christian people suck at Pokemon? They don't believe in evolution rofl
In sum, we know that narratives and imagery matter and this project is intentional about content that promotes mental health and addresses illness, unapologetically, for black folks
The McDonald's McRib is back, and there's now an app that helps you find one. It's called Fattr.
Stop tolerating unacceptable behavior. No girl wants to date a doormat.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?  A lick-a-lot-a-puss.
They say that endorphins make you happy... and blind orphans make you sad.
We proudly served Black Trans folx yesterday in Manhattan + The Bronx, and plan to serve more all over NYC/S. Jersey/Philly. The need remains consistent + so does our commitment. Today, we need rest. Caring for ourselves allows us to care for you in the way you deserve ❤ï
When I messaged him privately about the matter he told me that he had spoken to some brothers in his local masjid and they had given him the green light to refute me and he felt he had to 'speak the truth' because of his platform. 3/7
I've never participated in a "fun run" but I did sprint across the house when the pizza delivery guy arrived, and that was pretty enjoyable.
The angel of death does not discriminate
What has three letters and starts with gas? A car.
Learning to love yourself is important. Just don't let your wife catch you doing it.
AHBL 6 Melbourne...thank you for the hugs, laughs, stories and support. It's good to be down under again! You all are awesome. Cheers!
John: maybe cool it with the nicknames Me: wow, that hurts, Johnzilla John: everyone else hates it too Me: Everyone? Sambulance? Ronstar?
Life insurance? Why? So my wife's new boyfriend can get a trampoline?
"We are all misfits living in a world on fire." - Kelly Clarkson.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... She gave me a hug.
What do you get when you play tug of war with a pig? Pulled pork.
You know how some women wax off their eyebrows and draw them on more attractive with a pen? I do that same thing for my personality with alcohol
See ya from my porch in 15 minutes. LIVE FB The Sun Does Shine
Change your results by changing your thinking. Realize that there are many wonderful single women out there and only one of you to go around. This is abundance thinking.
I kicked my wife out when she was 8 1/2 months pregnant. No fat chicks. Rules is rules.
We have reached capacity to deliver this fresh, perishable food today. We want to make sure it's as fresh as possible when it arrives to folx, so we had to distribute it QUICKLY. We will resume the distribution of bags of non-perishable items TOMORROW. Stay tuned. We love you❤ï
Your brain begins to feed on its own neurons when it doesn't get enough sleep.
"Why do we fall in love so easy, even when it's not right?" - Pink.
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open. The last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch. I don't know what to make of it.
What's the difference between a leper and a tree? A tree has limbs.
The pregnant bird had an unusual craving for soup... She was so hungry she had toucans ROFL
If only these pancakes were more stressful to eat' -the Inventor of Waffles
A woman named Ebbie Tolbert was born around 1807 and spent 50+ years as a slave. She gained her freedom at age 56, and lived long enough that at the age of 113, she walked to a St. Louis polling station and registered to vote.
Spending just five minutes in nature is enough to improve your mood.
I spent $80 on a belt that didn't fit. My wife said it was a huge waist.
Most cats are lactose intolerant and shouldn't drink milk.
Some people think I'm not cool because I wear a fanny pack, but I always win them over after they see the sweet moves I can do on my rollerblades
*Touring downtown in any old city* And if you look to your left you'll see some of the best real estate in town wasted on 200 racist skeletons.
"Many people don't know the human eye has a blind spot in its field of vision. There's a part of the world that we are literally blind to."
so as I went in to vote this morning, an old lady told me to make sure I voted for the candidate that could make change. Boy, is my bank teller going to be surprised!
Sometimes, the fear is just of making a decision. Because, what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?
Six topless women sounds nice. Dozen tit.
What's the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture. haha
The Okra Project is grateful to all 15,000 of you that showed up, and showed out on behalf of Black-trans rights, but there is still work yet to be done! Okra's growth is the community's growth. We are invested in supporting this historic momentum.
What do you call an Irish bodyguard? Liam Malone.
Sometimes doing something is worse than doing nothing.
After I changed sex, my daughter has been ignoring me.. It seems like I'm transparent
My wife was raped by a mime He preformed unspeakable acts on her
Feeling embarrassed about asking a girl for her number when people are around comes from a lack of self-esteem. Best you start there.
If you've ever finished a great book and found yourself struggling to reconnect with the real-world, you may have had what's called a "book hangover." They can last for up to two weeks. National Book Lovers Day
I'm always Frank with my sexual partners. I don't want them to know my real name.
It costs $6 to visit the grave of Karl Marx.
Just because people do horrible things... It doesn't always mean they are horrible people.
for younger looking skin: half a chicken provides 66% RDA of niacin. Tuna provides 94% RDA per 100 gram serving of niacin
The sugar in carbonated soft drinks is a primary source for cavities cavity sugar
Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea? He drowned in his tea pee.
WHEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO SOMEONE I LIKE: This universe is a cruel and random place. There is no cosmic justice. WHEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO SOMEONE I DON'T LIKE: Karma strikes again, baby!!!
We try so hard to protect ourselves, but it doesnt make a damn bit of difference. 'Cause when the bad things come, they come out of nowhere.
You've gotta watch out with those phone-sex lines. You'll get hearing aids.
Warner Bros. is developing a live-action version of "The Powerpuff Girls."
What is the name of the Asian pointing out everyones mistakes? Xu wong
You may never truly understand until it happens to you
It's a federal law that no living man or woman can appear on U.S. coins. Presidents must be dead for at least two years before they are considered for inclusion in the Presidential Dollar series.
As I got out on the 11th floor the elevator operator said "Have a good day, son" "Don't call me son. You are not my dad", I replied sarcastically As the doors closed he looked me in the eye and said "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?
me: well it's technically the bride of frankenstein's monster hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
School doesn't teach you the things you need as an adult. I didn't have one lesson about how to do a convincing fake smile when your friend tells you about the pyramid scheme they just joined.
waiter: is 2% milk okay me: i'll take the non alcoholic actually
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived.
To those in the SPN Family who are celebrating Rosh Hashanah, I wish you well this evening!
The only thing we have to fear is Gerald Fear, of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. He is a serial killer.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
"Change is constant. How we experience change, that is up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life."
"Peach tea is known to be a kidney cleanser & used in detoxification. This isn't peach flavored tea but a brew made from the pits"
My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients. Its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian
When you feel sad, there's the one person who can show up and make you feel better... just wanna give a shout out to the pizza delivery guy.
I'm a compromise conspiracy theorist. I believe Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and Buzz Aldrin didn't.
It reveals the shame, denial, shock, confusion, and misunderstanding of mental illness at a time when no one was really sure what schizophrenia was or how to treat it.
Jonathon Aslay is a dating and relationship coach for women. And on this previous episode, he revealed things they wish men knew such as how to make a woman feel heard, connect to her heart, please her physically so she wants to do more, and bring her to ecstasy in the bedroom.
34 tell her you love her, and actually mean it.
Drunk' pilot removed from United Airways plane at Newark Airport. Still safer than a Muslim one.
Damn girl, are you a jar of pickles? Because I think I NEED to bang you on my kitchen counter.
What's the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver? The shitty golfer goes: Wham! Damn! The shitty skydiver goes: Damn! Wham!
My parents just said they want another child. "I'd love a sibling!" I insisted. "That's not what we meant." they added.
My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood Unfortunately it was a Type-O
I was an alcoholic for seven years. Today marks my eighth. ROFL
Problem is, fairytales don't come true. It's the other stories; the ones that begin with dark and stormy nights, and end in the unspeakable.
Success is often hard to find, because it's hiding behind disappointment.
"Depression is characterized by sustained sadness & loss of interest along with psychological, behavioural & physical symptoms" depression
me: omg honey i can't hear your broke ass through my airpods judge: i said death by electrocution
eve: [eats an apple] god: [had no idea how he was going to explain childbirth] oh now guess what's your fault
Have u observed religious/spiritual people thinking mental illness is a sign of weakness? Does that deter people from professional help?
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates are always upset when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but said it was too blurry. She has selfie steam issues.
Yo mama so fat when she went to Walmart, she tripped on Walgreens, and landed right on target
Autism affects all ethnic and socioeconomic groups. Autism Awareness
"The one who advises his brother in secret has beautified him and the one who advises his brother openly has uglified him." - Abûd-Dardâ
Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé. Her: Whatever floats your boat. Me: No, that's buoyancy.
I like to sit and pee because it makes me feel good, but I always get weird looks from the guy at the next urinal.
So I saw that Princess Diana is trending on tumblr. She's all over the dashboard!
John Lennon was so annoyed by people who "read in" to Beatles' songs, searching for hidden meanings, he purposely began writing nonsense lyrics to confuse them. Like "the walrus was Paul."
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat? Thunderwear.
RIP Chi Chi Devayne. Just incredibly heartbreaking.
Max the camel walks into his parents' room at 2am and asks for a glass of water. His dad says, "Another one? That's the second glass this month."
Bullets are so weird. They only do their job AFTER they're fired
Whats the difference between a bad sniper and a constipated owl? One can shoot but not hit, while the other one can hoot but not shit.
Syphilis can be detected with a blood test and can be cured with antibiotic injection! Spread the word!!!
Don't expect a man who gets around, to stick around
Early intervention with specific therapies for the developmental delays of children with autism is KEY. Autism Awareness
I knew a guy that was told he was the worst Best Man ever. He was speechless.
Did you hear about the new Christian online video game? It's pretty good, but it's pray2win.
You're doing better than you think you are. Keep going. - Kanye West
I like in the movies when someone is robbing a gas station and they grab a handful of chocolate bars while the clerk gets the money. I can relate to that part.
Why is the military so strict about their uniforms? To minimize casual tees
Where do nazis go on vacation? The holocoast.
How many black people does it take to start a riot? -1
My Dad passed away last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the doctors to give him a blood transfusion. As he was dying he kept saying 'be positive' but it's really hard without him.
A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Cont for this that don’t have Insta: ...bittersweet, I’m super grateful for the job but sorry that I am not going to be able see you in Atlanta. I know many of you are flying in for the show and I want you to know that the show will go on without me! And it’s bound to be...
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? Same time next month?
"I believe that it's been a hell of a year and I believe in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, we'll all be okay."
A guy named Tony found my credit card on the street in NYC and returned it! Tony! You make this city even greater! Thanx. HANX.
I hereby declare these 2016 Olympic Games Oilfishery open haha
The term "military grade" is a marketing trick. In the armed forces, "military-grade" is simply the cheapest product that gets the job done.
Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver. Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.
It’s at the outdoor stage at “The Experience“ : Lexus Lot at Petco Park, 2 North 11th Ave , San Diego, CA
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle? Optimistic
The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it
My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working" Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
Unwanted spam or commercial texts sent to your phone are illegal, according to the Federal Trade Commission. The fine for unsolicited texts is $500, and up to $1,500 per message where the offense has been wilfully committed.
It's impossible for us to imagine colors we've never seen before.
What do you call a girl who sets fire to bank loans? Bernadette.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden? A seizure salad
All presidents and First Ladies have Secret Service protection for life. As do all children of any former president until they are 16-years-old.
That stick you push in and out of a churn better be called a buttering ram.
Yogurt is the wonder food and an excellent detox food that helps the liver to rid the body of toxins. detox
MY CHILDHOOD BULLY: Hey, Nate! How are you? ME: [riding a beautiful horse] I'm obviously doing pretty fucking good, Carly. *The alarm clock blares and yanks me back into reality. I lay in bed wondering how one is to distinguish between a reoccurring dream and a prophecy.*
Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby? Because he never had to run for office
Each year, Disney World's lost and found receives more than 6,000 cell phones, 3,500 digital cameras, and 18,000 hats.
Last night in bed, my wife said we should try some role reversal. So I told her, I had a headache.
What do you call a homosexual, Russian, knight? Sir Gay (Serge)
Leonard Nimoy was more than Mr. Spock. But Mr. Spock is his gift to us all. Live long and prosper. HANX.
What is your favorite thing about greys? Tweet me your favorite episode, season, character, couple or quotes!!
Stick bugs can have sex for up to 79 days.
Google Earth gives you the chance to look anywhere in the world, and what do you do? You try and find your own fucking house.
Why don't dentists display their awards? Because they want to prevent plaque build-up. corny
Out of the nearly 200 countries in the world, only 22 of them have never experienced a British invasion.
Having regular orgasms can improve your decision-making skills, creativity, and even make you more social.
when she says nevermind, she wants you to ask about it
So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back. Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
thank u, next
Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office
Nurse: Sorry for the waiting. My dad: No problem, I'm patient.
You hear about the newest member of the X-Men? Caitlyn Jenner
Where the dream takes you, where your heart longs to be, when you finally found that place, you'll find all you need. - Atlantis
me: so do they let you start off on the jack hammer or do you have to b- construction worker: dude i said fuck off me: [waits 10 seconds] or do you have to 'build' up to that
TIME Magazine just announced its Person of the Year: it's sourdough bread.
Share the biggest mistake you ever made as a gay man. Let's support eachother.
When you get older, the monsters are different: self-doubt, loneliness, regret.
I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels She didn't know I existed
I just found out that a gay friend of mine is OCD He was the last person I expected to get upset about something not being straight.
Good morning from Day 3 of our National Conference! We will be live tweeting the plenaries throughout the day. Also, watch live on our Facebook page: Jewish National Fund - JNF. Follow along! JNFNC 19 Powered By JNF
There once was a girl named Alice Who used dynamite as a phallus They found her vagina in South Carolina And bits of her tits in Dallas
Don't forget to laugh. It may not add years to your life but will surely add life to your years
Carrot juice provides lots of vitamin A. Vitamin A is essential for treating acne as the lack of it could cause acne acne
Seek knowledge of your deen and the dunya will start to make sense
What is the problem? The big problem is the natural resourcesThe amount of precipitation in our area will go down about 10-15% in the next 30 years.' - Abraham Tenne, Head of Desalination Division, Israeli Governmental Water and Sewage Authority Powered By JNF Water Series
Naaaaaah. Santos won that bro. Even with his knees buckling he scared Jon Jones and out boxed him UFC 239
Social media use among the young is getting worse. Latest research: 1 out of 3 teenagers today IS a phone.
Two Irishman walk out of a pub. It could happen.
If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men? Palm Sunday.
What do you call a fat relative around Halloween? A plump-kin
Women are like North Korea. They say they will do something, but they don't follow through with it
Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night. My next shit could spell trouble
What do you call a muslim crocodile? An Allahgator!
What did the dyslexic bank robber say when he robbed the bank? "Air in the hands motherstickers! This is a fuck up!"
The odds for a coin flip are not 50-50, but closer to 51-49. A coin will most likely land on the same side as it began.
36 NEVER lie, even about small things. Any lie, no matter how small, will break her trust.
How much hummus did the anorexic Arab eat? A tahini bit!
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I was struggling to get my wife's attention So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick
Tiger Woods stuttered as a child and used to talk to his dog until he fell asleep in an effort to get rid of it.
Don't wait for your death to be someone else's wake up call
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.Must be some kind of milestone.
Make sure you stay home, find happiness in the little things, take time for self-reflection and figure out ways to help our community from afar. Call a grandparent, donate to meals on wheels, leave a meal for elderly/immunocompromised neighbors, foster an animal. Anything counts 🤍
If she looks away to the side or up, she's showing no interest. But when she looks at you, smiles and then looks down, this is an indicator that she is possibly interested. Find out by talking to her.
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No, I'm not," I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen...I can feel it.
Why are black people like sperm? Only one in a million actually works.
*High school reunion* PETER WINSTON ARMSTRONG, THE MAN WHO TRICKED ME INTO GOING FOR A DOWN-LOW HAND SLAP, BEFORE SUDDENLY PULLING HIS HAND AWAY AND SAYING 'TOO SLOW' IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES DURING THIRD PERIOD ON MARCH 21, 2003: Hey, man! Remember me? ME: No.
Ask for her number only if you can't go on an insta-date right away. Don't go for her number as a goal. Go for her as a goal.
Is anyone else having wildly vivid and fucked up dreams lately? Mine are so bizarre.
ME IN NORMAL CLOTHES: I am nothing. I am invisible. ME THE SECOND I PUT ON A SCARF: I am a handsome rich millionaire who knows about horses. Make way.
Frozen vegetables maintain higher levels of vitamins than many vegetables sold as 'fresh' frozen vitamins
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. Sadly, I was in the women's bathroom.
There is a new restaurant named Karma. It doesn't have a menu. You just get what you deserve.
I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help. I told her I don't have the money to hire a hitman.
Why can't you keep Jews in jail? They eat lox!
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot? Don't mind him. He's just a product of our times.
I trust Cardi B to steer our country. This is absolutely sincere.
Putin is going to win re-election in a landslide. Because his opponent is going to die mysteriously in a landslide.
At the age of 11, Shia LaBeouf found an agent through a phone book and was taken on after pretending to be his own manager.
Women will not date a guy who lives with his mother but they will date a guy who lives with his wife. Idiots.
Why are fat penguins so popular at parties? They know how to break the ice.
It takes guts to be an organ donor - and balls to be a sperm donor.
Combined with hummus, Tahini is a potential supplement for SSRI anti-depressant medicine, such as Prozac prozac
My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years but she doesn't want to be public? I love her and don't want to leave but I'm frustrated. Should I just move and cut my loss? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Q1: Where does mental health stigma in the African American community come from and why is it taboo? TWS Chat
[making out] ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand* GIRLFRIEND: omg really? ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
What does an elderly Mexican have? Senority
"Your love is bright as ever, even in the shadows" - Beyonce.
A Mormon president would face the most difficult issue any president has. Deciding who's the First Lady, who's the Second Lady, and who's the Third Lady.
Why do the Minnesota vikings wear purple as a team color? If you've been choking for 50 years, you'd be purple too!
Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses? They never show a prophet.
A Black man is driving down the motorway. He sticks his head out of the window. How does he die? Who gives a fuck? That's my fucking car.
Why do we call "#" a hashtag and not pound? Because feminists wouldn't appreciate the PoundMeToo movement.
Humans are psychologically hardwired to blame victims. The 'just-world bias' occurs because our brains crave predictability, so we tend to blame victims of unfairness rather than reject our worldview where good is rewarded and evil is punished.
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old son for his first day at school. So I stole his lunch.
Stephen Hillenburg, the creator of Spongebob Squarepants, was a marine science educator as well as an animator. He got the idea for the cartoon after noticing how fascinated his students were by tide pools.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said, "Wow, that's a pretty big word for a eight year old."
A black man is speeding down the motorway and he dies. How? He sticks his head out of the window and his lips beat him to death.
"I like my life. I like it the way it is and I don't want it to change. I thought I liked it with you in it. I hope I am not wrong."
We can test early in hopes that ppl will get in care, but it won't work unless we actually care. naesm2016
Write down ur negative thoughts in 1 column & the opposite of each in a different column. it'll help u see a positive way out of ur problems
Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me...
So many DMs on how to forget an ex...here's how! 1. You can't forget an ex. 2. You can delete all contacts if the relationship was toxic 3. Get yourself busy with positive activity 4. Just know you deserve better, that's how you heal.
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here. They just don't work.
What does a one legged man have in common with a bottle of beer? They are both hoppy
Sometimes I log into Facebook from a desktop computer, just to see what it is like to live how our ancestors used to.
Don't panic when diagnosed of HIV. There is effective treatment available at little to no cost. All you need to do is take your meds and stay positive.
I made a graph of my past girlfriends. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Lois Duncan, the author of "I Know What You Did Last Summer," had a teenage daughter who was murdered in 1989. Duncan lost her taste for the genre after the tragedy, which still hasn't been solved.
oh my god when british people sexts it's probably amazing. "show me your knickers, love" and "I'm hard as gibraltar" and all that. Yes.
Let's put a bunch of extra forks out to confuse the stupid people. -fancy restaurants
Why was the baby jalapeno shivering? He was a little chilli.
Kidney beans r high in protein providing 8 essential amino acids. 1 cup of uncooked beans provides around 85% of daily protein requirement
Don't bite your nails mate, it's a nasty habit' 'Fuck you, pull them out!', screamed Jesus.
There are many antioxidants in apples that block absorption of harmful free radicals that can age you prematurely & cause diseases
"Life isn't supposed to be like this. It's not supposed to be this hard.'
My parents are mixed raced. My Dad prefers the 100 meters, and my mother is Pakistani. ~ Stewart Francis.
Take pride in how far you've come and have faith in how far you can go
A Black family moved into the house next door and my home insurance actually went down!!! Don't be surprised. I moved house.
"It's important we never stop believing we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember there R things worth holding onto."
[gym] Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel. Me: oh
"I was raised to be a good man in a storm. Raised to love my country. To love my family. To protect the things I love."
I'm American and I hate it when people say that America is the most ignorant country in the world Personally, I think Europe is the most ignorant country in the world.
The TV show "Scrubs" has one of the most accurate depictions of the way a hospital operates in reality. All of the show's medical cases are inspired by real-life medical cases, as well.
Weird. I've been hitting this wasp's nest with a wiffle ball bat for about five minutes and noth- ok I gotta go
There are some people so poor that the only thing they have is money
I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour. "No way. That's impossible!" she said. "Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."
A study conducted by a group of scientists shows that women that have more than 25% body fat live longer than the men who mention it to them
"a cell may replace itself with a weaker cell each time if it hasn't had nutritional foods available to it. This is called degeneration"
When The Spice Girls did that song Spice Up Your Life, god damn, that is how you build a brand, people.
My wife said to me: "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?" So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
Most shots show his robotic feet exiting the vehicle first, to keep the illusion that RoboCop wears the whole suit inside a car.
I was Hungary... so Iran to Turkey
There is only one Twitter account for me. This is it. I don’t have a private account or any other accounts. Beware of impersonators. Look for the the blue checkmark. ❤️
Aiiiiite time to get back on this twitch. Stay tuned
Finding other gay guys is a lot like trying to find a job Your only option is looking online and it's almost impossible to get anything good.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY! I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!
What's the difference between a painting and Jesus. You only require one nail to put up the painting.
My dentist said that my gag reflex was much more sensitive than my wife's. I didn't think anything of it at the time. Later, I realized it was super weird, because we go to different dentists.
WebMD is the website where you go when you have a physical problem. Twitter is the website where you go when you have a mental problem.
Don't be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.
Personality has a greater impact on the chances of success than IQ, according to research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
"I would swim all the oceans just to see you smile." - Stand Up.
Wife: you know those rollerblades make you look like a loser Me: could a loser do this? *loses control and rollerblades into bushes
Girl: Why are you so ugly? Boy: I'm you from the future.
The world is becoming too politically correct You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say "Lamar can you please paint the fence".
Sometimes you never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory that you wish you could experience again.
People who have more money tend to be covered by health insurance. MMH Mchat
Yoshi's full name is "T. Yoshisaur Munchakoopas."
What are your opinions on the upcoming musical episode?
As water destroys fire, so does humility destroy egos
King Tutankhamun's mummified body contains the oldest known genetic proof of the existence of malaria.
I went to a restaurant last night and I noticed that my waitress had a black eye. So I made sure I spoke loud and clear when ordering my food because she obviously has trouble listening.
So if I’m understanding right: When a man stands up for himself, he’s a fighter. When a woman stands up for herself, she’s a narcissist.
"Yes, there are times when I hate you, but I don't complain 'cause I've been afraid that you'd walk away." - Beyonce.
ME: You're drunk, dude. That's a vending machine. GUY WHO IS ABOUT TO BE THE INSPIRATION FOR A WARNING STICKER: I wanna dance with her!!!!
Great news: scientists have bred a turkey that tastes exactly like tofurkey.
pomegranate juice benefits skin damaged by sun & prolongs the life of fibroblasts which produce elastin & collagen & makes skin look younger
What do you call someone from Massachusetts who murders a bunch of Catholics? A Mass. Mass Mass Murderer.
police sketch artist: not you again me: it was real this time i promise police sketch artist: ok describe his face me: he had the eyes of a man who burgled ham police sketch artist: god damnit
Bored during lockdown? Call a feminist group and ask to speak to the man in charge.
Living 1.5 miles from wtc 9/11 I remember tragedy but I remember a city and country that united with love, compassion and heart never forget
yes some girls like it rough but we are not trying to end up with bruises
What do you call a blind german guy? A not see.
There's a stronger association between unemployment rates and incarceration than between criminality and incarceration -Dr.Reese chp m summit
My wife caught me cheating last night and i feel so ashamed and full of regret. She's never going to play monopoly with me again!
What tick likes to run? Politicks
"Allahu Akbar" actually has two meanings. The first meaning is.... 'God is Great' And the second meaning is.... "Run like fuck"
Wow that Alabama Senate race is really redneck and neck
"All I know is I love you too much to walk away." - Eminem ft. Rihanna
In 1946, a trapped moth caused an early computer model to malfunction, popularizing the term "bug" as a reference for software errors.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date's champagne glass waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
"We leave little bits of ourselves behind, little reminders. A lifetime of memories, photos. Things to remember us by even when were gone.'
ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we're all scientists. ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of- ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.
The bad news is I have a kidney stone. The good news is I posted a picture of the ultrasound on Facebook and it got over 100 likes because people thought it was a baby announcement.
I just got body-shamed by my jeans.
"Muscle Cramping can be an early sign that you are developing a calcium deficiency. They generally occur at night, especially in the legs"
in an ideal world... how long should foreplay last??
Be determined and stay ready to do whatever it takes to meet and attract the girl of your choice.
Why is the camel called the ship of the desert? Because its full of Arab semen
genie: what is your first wish me: i wish i could change anybody's name assbaby: what is your second wish
"So let's take our time to say what we want. Use what we got before it's all gone." - Meghan Trainor.
What seperates black people and white people? The bars. Shoutout to my bud Treyvon for this joke from almost 7 years ago.
If I don't perfect human cloning... I won't be able to live with myself.
Black Non-Binary/Agender/Polygender folx anywhere on/outside of the spectrum: We will be curating an NYC event for y'all very soon! What are some thing/activities you'd like to see and have? Sound off below!
Why did Jesus look so ripped during his crucifixion? Crossfit.
A medium banana supplies 422 mg potassium and 19 phytosterols health bananas
At the bar the other day. Bartender said "I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?" Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?
I feel jealous of my coworker who bought a giant house... mostly because there are more places he can avoid his wife and kids.
If you ever see someone crying ask them if it's because of their hair cut.
Yo momma... Is so fat she started a new diet, lost a lot of weight and is doing really well now.
Ted Bundy took advantage of an obscure Florida law during his second murder trial, which stated a marriage declaration before a judge is a legal marriage. While on the witness stand, he asked Carol Ann Boone to marry him, and she said yes. They were officially married.
I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday. Lucky it was a soft drink
Love those first 2 weeks of the year where the gym is packed with people I'll never see again because I don't go back.
Will Wright was inspired to create "The Sims" after the 1991 Oakland firestorm. Wright's home was one of the first to burn in the fire. He and his wife quickly escaped with their closest neighbors, leaving behind all of their personal belongings.
My roommate is 2 days younger than me So I've gotten into the habit of saying "when I was your age…' and then describing what I did 2 days ago
So I'm banging this guy from behind... ... and he turns around to kiss me, and I say "Whoa, buddy. I'm not gay!"
What do they call pita bread in Mexico? Pita pan
[in basement lab] wife: you cant just make your own honey me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Why do some couples not go to the gym? Some relationships don't work out
House is noisy: 'I wish my kids could learn to play more quietly!' House is silent: 'Stop playing so quietly! It's really creeping me out!'
"Sometimes the curiosity can kill the soul but leave the pain." - Alice in Wonderland
We apparently have just over 10 years to reverse the catastrophic effects of climate change. But first - we dance!
We wonder how the taboo of discussing suicide plays out in the Black community? What are your thoughts?
The Indian man went to the doctor complaining about stomach pains. He had Hindigestion.
You cannot know your own true strength until you have conquered your own demons
How are eating a girl out and working for the CIA similar? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. 
Squirrels engage in oral masturbation to avoid STDs. Experts say it removes the old semen and helps to clean the genitalia.
me, walking: hello me, walking with coins in my pocket: howdy partner
So who's coming with me to get some of this Chuck E Cheese pizza ?
I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it.
wife: Why is 9 crying? me: Because it's raining and he's getting wet wife: But we're at a water park me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
What do feminists and zookeepers have in common? Nothing. Feminists have nothing in common with anyone.
I'm creating an app to find qualified electricians in your area. It's called wattsapp.
In 1911, after the Mona Lisa was stolen, mobs of people waited in line to see the vacant space where it would have hung, catapulting the painting to international stardom. The painting was missing for two years.
A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference For example: Johnny ate his own lunch after school. Johnny ate his own colon after school.
I bumped into my ex in town today. I asked her how her new boyfriend was. "He's twice the man you'll ever be!" she said with a smug look on her face. "How's your new girlfriend?" "Luckily, she's half the woman you'll ever be, you fat cunt!"
PSA: If you've got an Islamic dog... Muslim
I just went to jail for my wife's crime. She's Chinese, which I guess makes me guilty by associasian.
What is a Muslim's Favorite Dinosaur??? Allahsaurus!
Why are black people so tall? Because they're knee grows
breathing exercises have been found to reduce anxiety, depression, irritability, muscle tension, headaches, poor concentration, fatigue.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen - and something else...
There are no words to express the helplessness and sorrow my broken heart feels for the victims in Vegas and their families.
I grew up in a rough neighbourhood. As a child people would cover me in chocolate, cream and put a cherry on my head. It was tough in the gateau.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Toast at a Wedding "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live." That's an Irish toast. "Cinnamon, eggs, bread, and maple syrup." That's a French toast.
I am trying to cut down on smoking so I now only smoke after a meal. I am down too 40 meals a day.
Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.
What times does the chinaman go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Me: Is there a discount on this mattress? Someone peed on it. Salesman: You just did that when you were trying it out. Me: Right... so is there a discount?
When a transgender goes missing.. You put their photo on a carton of Half and Half.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids. Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he'd brought home a girlfriend.
What do you call a pretty lady on the arm of a drummer? A Tattoo.
The human race will come to an end, and the angel of death is waiting at the finish line
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia. Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and A Black Rapper? Santa stops after three hoes.
My ex girlfriend never made me feel wanted. Until I murdered her.
What do Japan and Shaq have in common? Kobe Beef
The term "utopia" originates from an ancient Greek word literally meaning "not a place."
me: i've finally conquered my fear of ghosts therapist: that's the spirit me: oh fuck where
Lifehack: Binge watch a show in a fraction of the time by only watching the "previously on..." part at the start of each episode.
As a cop, I can't play PokemonGo... So I play Pokemon blacks: Gotta catch Jamal.
Baby leatherback turtles 'talk' to each other when they 're still in their eggs. Scientists say they coordinate the timing of their hatching by making sounds.
"When life breaks down...when we break down, there are no signs, no hard and fast rules, we just have to feel our way through."
Welcome to your 40s. Your idea of fun is now going to bed early.
My first wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms. My second wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms. My third wife died from a cracked skull. The bitch wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
Patience is the cure for many complaints
"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked. She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
What do you call a group of homosexual musicians from India who never get to play out? A Gay Raj band
I told my neighbour Mohammed that I found a large arachnid in my bath. "What's that?" he said... "It's a big white thing we wash our bodies in." I said.
The beta version of a video game is a lot like the regular version, except it has low self esteem and is afraid to talk to women.
Talking about politics on the internet is great for those times where I don't feel like playing online video games, but still want a complete stranger to insult me while I'm trying to relax at home.
A boy says to his dad "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?" Dad replies "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are black."
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom" Proverbs 11:2
To my friends in Greece. Someone is claiming that I am appearing at an event in Athens which is not and has never been true. Tickets are being sold with the promise of my presence.
Yesterday I was washing the car with my son. He goes 'Dad, why can't you just use a sponge?'
If there is a scandal involving Christina Applegate, what would they call it?
I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits.
I tell everyone I'm a minimalist because it sounds cooler than telling them I'm poor.
The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean. Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.
Bumblebees have parasitic "doppelgangers" called cuckoo bumblebees. They look enough alike that they're able to sneak into a nest, kill the queen, and trick the workers into feeding their offspring. Eventually, they take over the whole nest then move to another target.
Forgiving is easy, it's trusting again which is the hard part
[fridge shopping] Salesmen: What type of fridge are you looking for? Me: Do you have something in stainless steel that does a good job hiding rotting vegetables?
What do lesbians in Alaska sing? What would you do ew ew in a Klondike bar.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
What do you call a caring prostitute? Someone who gives a fuck
Some people have no empathy at all. I'm not even gonna try to understand what it's like to be that kind of person.
Susan B. Anthony's father removed her from a school after a teacher refused to show her long division because of her gender.
"It doesn't matter who you are. What matters is your plan." - The Dark Knight Rises 2012
interviewer: everything looks great, got any questions for me? my brain: don't you say a word- me: would you fuck mr clean
"You're going to feel sad for a little while and that's okay. That's fine. But don't feel sad forever okay? You promise me that?"
Waiter: welcome to Spaghetti Surprise Me: 1 spaghetti please Waiter: we don't sell that Me: oh now I get the name Waiter: surprise
You call it armed robbery. I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just Juan.
I voted for Supernatural for The Scifi Fantasy Show of 2018 Cast your vote for the E! People's Choice Awards at pca s
Black Yth are 2x more likely to be arrested than white youth Clin. Law Prof. Waldman at chp m summit
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm Nice pig says the bartender. It's a duck she says. I was talking to the duck says the bartender.
Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer's simple: To be happy.
I know Stan Lee loves making unexpected cameos, but I was pretty surprised to find him in my shower this morning SDCC
You know what jokes are the worst? Lesbian jokes. Those are for pussies.
My Dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school. Maths, and he couldn't remember the other one.
[2 am] *5 year old sneaks into my room* 5: (whispers) Daddy Me: .... 5: (louder) Daddy! Me: huh? what? 5: Are you asleep? Me: No... not anymore... 5: Okay, just checking. *goes back to bed*
Fox refused to pick up "South Park" because they didn't want to air a show that had a talking poo character. The show was then taken to Comedy Central, where it became one of their highest-rated series and led to the network becoming one of the fastest-growing cable channels.
ME: How do you know Cassiopeia is God's favorite constellation? *The planetarium security tries to wrestle the mic away from me* ME: He gave it five stars FOLKS!!!!
Is your name Prefrontal Cortex? Because I can't get you out of my mind without serious damage.' Valentines Day
My version of the 5 seconds rule is me going back for seconds 5 times.
While on NASA's Gemini XII, the computer docking system failed; so Buzz Aldrin put his MIT doctoral experience to work and successfully calculated the docking trajectory by using a sextant and a slide rule.
"You and me together, that's how it always should be. One without the other don't mean nothing to me." - Monster, Inc.
What do you call an iguana that thinks it's a dog? A reptile dysfunction.
Sometimes the answers we're looking for had been hiding just below the surface.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just can't take it any longer.
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade. But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Send her a good morning text and she'll love you forever.
My beach body is my winter body plus flip flops.
Why did Bill and Ted join Islam? Because they heard it was radical!
Remember when I saw you in the Bahamas a decade ago and you sang 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' and I said you should do the classics. Maybe now you will. ½ ½ ½ ½ thank you for your magnificent performance for John Lewis
"I won't know real love till I've loved and I've lost it." - The Script.
Whats the most popular event at the Special Olympics? Downs Hill Skiing.
What's gay and has no balls? A lesbian.
why did Sally fall off of the swings? because she had no arms knock knock who's there?? not sally
If the object of tennis is to hit the ball into the net and swear a lot, I'm very, very good.
me: killing two birds with one stone is kid shit, if you want my respect you should kill two rhinos with one stone arby's manager: ok man just please get off the counter
In 2013, a man tattooed "Netflix" on his body and got a year of free service after tweeting a picture to the company.
With cell phone alarm clocks, there's never been an easier time in the history of mankind for waking up in the morning... yet I somehow still manage to be late for work every morning
This year I'm giving out a Halloween treat every child loves: some stern advice.
I really hope the Germans have to play Nigeria in the world cup. I have no interest in the match, I just want to see if they put NIG GER in the top corner of the screen.
I left my wife because she was obsessed with counting. I wonder what she's up to now.
They've announced the names for this year's hurricanes. Once again, no Kanye, Apple or Conan.
"Boys only want love if it's torture." - Taylor Swift.
Brian Howie is the host of The Great Love Debate, which is a live show where the audience is split up in two groups; one side men and the other side women. The fun begins when both sides share their stories and try to answer the question: Why are so many people single these days?
A black man and a Mexican man open a restaurant together. What is it called? Nachomama
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff... Ba-dumm-tsss
Link To Donate: www.hopeforhaitinow.org
Toast is just God giving terrible bread a second chance.
Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
US has serious problem with illegal immigrants. If you don't believe me ask any Native American.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
In 1963, Alfred Heineken invented beer bottles that could also be used as bricks to build houses in impoverished countries.
me: if santa is all knowing, then he could solve every crime but he just doesn't hostage: can i go to the bathroom me: no
if school taught me to say no to fast food instead of drugs i'd be high as shit but not really fat which sounds cool
Got fired from the market for being too violent. All I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"
The only thing more suspicious than a black man running is a black man tip toeing.
Ey, and why are Daniel Craig's eyes so pretty. Tf!
Women leaving a huge clump of hair plastered in the shower is the female version of leaving the toilet seat up
What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody nose.
Do deaf girls masturbate with one hand so they can moan with the other?
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia
Just ordered a non-fat pumpkin spice latte & now I drive a Prius & am a Zumba instructor.
"Our love is like the wind.. I can't seet but I can feel it" - A walk to remember
What does a feminist use as a contraceptive? Her personality
Gotta love a little dumpster diving to really thicken the plot! Haha...I kill myself. Wait.
After Ringo Starr quit the Beatles in 1968, his bandmates sent him a telegram saying that they thought he was the best rock n' roll drummer in the world, and they loved him. When he returned, he found his drum kit covered with flowers, which read "Welcome Back, Ringo."
By skipping meals, your metabolism conserves energy so it slows down which means you burn fewer calories. weight
I saw a Jewish Ghost last night... It was so scary I started to Shiva.
Keep your ears ready for next week, when The Aunties join Queer Woc Pod for their next episode.
What comes easy, won't last. What lasts, won't come easy.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
The majority in our twitter poll said that cultural beliefs are the 1 thing that needs to be addressed. What are these beliefs?
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
There's 3 types of diabetics. Type 1, Type 2, And the type that needs to fucking tell you they are either type 1or type 2 diabetic during every conversion you have with them.
She is on her own. Ladies, this means that you should be independent so you shouldn't need anyone else to take care of you.
What do you call a man who pours a lot of drinks? Phil.
Last night I was on a date with a really beautiful woman. Well, it wasn't a date, we just ate dinner and watched a movie. Then the plane landed.
I ep. 90. My gf and I are in an interracial relationship too but how does one tackle a relationship with the added layer of nationality difference? Sometimes I feel my girlfriend doesn't understand certain things because she wasn't born here. Auntie Red Tweet Tea
What do you call a male robot that likes to dress up in women's clothing? A transistor. haha
I'm allergic to bread but eat it anyway. I'm a gluten for punishment.
Pretty cool that my entire personality is stored on a big wet peanut inside my skull.
to whiten your knees, elbows and neck, mix lemon juice and gram flour and apply it for 20 mins twice a week
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say... Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel".
Betty White is older than sliced bread. The first sliced commercial bread loaves were produced in 1928; Betty White was born in 1922.
What do the Unabomber and a girl from Alabama have in common? They were both fingered by their brother.
I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
Our attention spans these days are
"there's nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
Census data dictates how $1.5 trillion gets dispersed every year, the allocation of congressional leaders, and how voting districts are drawn for local legislatures. It's imperative that our more vulnerable and harder to reach populations participate. We have to be counted.
my car: uh oh your seat belt isn't on haha beep beep me: my car: maybe i'll fuckin scream about it i dunno
If as public figure you don't want to take a picture, then don't take it. If that truly bothers you as a consumer then stop supporting that celebrity. BOOM problem solved.
"We change, we adapt, we create new versions of ourselves. We just need to be sure that this one is an improvement over the last one."
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?" A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?" She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
I'm told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn't wear certain things anymore - like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
The saying "sick as a dog" doesn't make any sense. Every dog is in much better shape than me, and I've never seen a dog watch 72 hours of Netflix because it had a runny nose.
Yes, I’m really talking. 🌈
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.
"Smiling but we're close to tears." - The Script
The Vikings engaged in rap battles, exchanging poetic insults until a winner was picked by the crowd.
Hey Vegas Con who's gettin excited for a concert tomorrow night? Yeah ya are! Can't wait. Loudin Swain And Friends
"Stories are compasses and architecture; we navigate by them, we build our sanctuaries and our prisons out of them, and to be without a story is to be lost in the vastness of a world that spreads in all directions like arctic tundra or sea ice." ―Rebecca Solnit Books Connect Us
ghost me: baaaaaa guy: are you saying baa instead of boo ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don't stress me out
After an 8.0 magnitude earthquake hit Mexico City in 1985, almost every newborn baby managed to survive a collapsed hospital. They were dubbed the "Miracle Babies" because they endured seven days without food, water, heat, or human touch.
What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey? A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.
My jokes are like hot chicks Hard to get, and when you do they are not anywhere near as good as you thought they would be
Song Titles (Are Cooler When Part of the Title Is In Parentheses)
Why is it bad to mix Islam and Hinduism? Because you might get Sikh
"I have HIV. I read your advice here but I dont think i'm prepared to take meds. I feel this is a chance for me to escape the hatred of my dad who, together with my brothas, beat me for being girly. I know I have sinned. God forgive me. I'm confused and sad" - Copied from inbox ¥
Did you hear about the Asian kid who had that one night stand? He had too many books to fit on it
I'm not an adult at all, just a tall child holding a beer having a conversation I don't understand.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she's just pregnant.
How do you make your wife scream during sex? You call and tell her about it.
What do rioting jewish people throw? Mazel tov cocktails
Do what is right, not what is easy nor what is popular.
The great Arthur Ashe: Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. I focus on those things just long enough to figure out what I can do next ask dr v
I passed my written drivers test! My recipe for success was taking 20 back-to-back online tests and reading the entire California Driver Handbook slowly. grind yay
My father saved up his whole life so he could be cremated. He urned it.
Build up the way you touch her. Start with light touches on her arms, shoulders or back. Let her get used to you touching her in a normal and natural way.
Last night I got caught in a prostitution sting. I fucked a prostitute and now my dick stings when I piss.
Without rain nothing grows, learn to embrace the storms of your life
I just quit my job at the helium factory. I won't be spoken to in that tone.
The worst thing about having Alzheimer's is meeting new relatives every day.
The guy who created cough drops died last week. There'll be no coffin at his funeral.
almond butter is rich in monounsaturated fats, which are the type of fats that decrease the risk of heart ailments heart almond
Life becomes exponentially better when you subtract the negative people from it
Success with women is easier than success with money. Because it doesn't rely so much on who you know or where you come from, but who you are.
The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool. I was so startled, I almost fell in.
Women are like bowling balls... They're either too heavy or you can't put your fingers in them.
Ever have amnesia and deja vu at the same time? I think I've forgotten this before:
"There are days that make the sacrifices seem worthwhile. And then there are the days where everything feels like a sacrifice."
"So sick of this lonely air. It seems such a waste of breath." - Sam Smith.
Have you heard of the new Apple Product to protect your eyes? It's called the iLid.
Somebody drilled a hole in the fence around the nudist colony. Police are looking into it.
Tired of losing arguments with people on the internet? I would highly recommend being self loathing. It's great - you get to insult yourself and you rarely have a comeback for it. And even if you do, you still win the argument. It's the best!
I had a gay friend in high school... ...who fell into a coma. We called him Tomato: he was a fruit and a vegetable.
Had a dream where evil space creatures intent on destroying humankind land, watch us for a few days, shrug, then take off.
Why do bulimics love KFC? It comes with a bucket.
Who are the 3 most famous black women? 1. Oprah 2. Aunt Jamima 3. Motha Fucka
Sometimes I hesitate at green lights just so people will honk at me. You do what you gotta do to feel alive.
When you tell young black men that they shouldn't embrace femininity within themselves, you send a message that women are lesser and unequal. Your daughters WILL hear that.
My girlfriend is dope af
So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up? Fine. Suture self.
I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying. I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."
How can you tell if a groom is Polish? He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.
If short people smoke weed, do they get high or medium.
I've had a rough morning. I woke up and tripped over my wife's bra; it was a booby trap.
For couples who choose to not have kids, I hope you enjoy the emptiness of having no one to poop in your bathtub.
We can smile even though we are hurting and we can feel happy even though we are unhappy. It's called strength.
My girlfriend broke up with me. When she did, I gave her a note that said "Great Job!" I wanted things to end on a positive note.
"This is my family. I found it, all on my own. It's little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good. - Lilo and Stitch" - Lilo and Stitch
BHISM 30 hosts Olympic hopefuls! Cason Wilburn and Kimani Gregory completed boys 13-14 200IM in 1:55 and 1:57 respectively. Amazing!!
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
All this hot weather makes me think I should get my fan from the basement. And if she's still not my fan she's going straight back down there.
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn't think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
Marriage is weird... My wife and I would both take a bullet for each other without thinking twice about it, but when it comes to replacing the toilet paper roll, we're at an impasse. That's asking too much.
What do you call a Muslim basketball player's best move? Islam Dunk
'Eat and drink, but waste not by extravagance ' [7:31]
A husband and wife see two people kissing. The wife says, "He kisses her every time she comes home from work. Why can't you do that?" The husband says, "I would love to, but I don't know her well enough."
They say life is short but I’ve seen Olympus Has Fallen twice and loved it both times
After 10+ years of giving advice and coaching hundreds of clients, I've identified 7 different and distinct female personalities. On this previous episode, we're going to delve into each of these, how each one thinks, what they want in a man and how you can connect with each one.
What do somolian pirates use as weapons? Arrrrpg's
me: [going in for a hug] tsa agent: I said arms straight
How many transgender people does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one. But they have to sit in the dark room for a year, first, to make sure that the lightbulb is *definitely* out.
Yo Mama'a so fat that when she goes to New York people say: That's one Big Apple.
"Procrastinate" comes from a Latin word meaning "to put off until tomorrow." "Perendinate" means "to put off until the day after tomorrow/ a more extended period."
Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds? Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Mulan has the highest kill-count of any Disney character, including villains. She was also the first Disney princess to be shown killing people on-screen.
A lie can go halfway around the world before the truth even has its shoes on
9 Guys, never compare her to another girl. boyfriend tips
ON THIS DAY September 4, 2002: Kelly Clarkson, a 20-year-old cocktail waitress from Texas, won the first season of American Idol.
One of Jesus's greatest miracles? He was a carpenter, but He didn't bring it up every time you met Him.
If he truly loves you, he will find a way to introduce you to his family and friends. Maybe not as a boyfriend but at least a best friend. True love isn't hidden - be it gay or not.
Have you ever played quiet tennis? It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
I want to move to a deserted island totally cut off from society that also has good wifi
A psychic dwarf has been confirmed to have escaped prison. Police are warning about a small medium at large.
Stop looking for reasons to be unhappy. Focus on the things you do have, and the many reasons you should be happy
Nobody deserves to be treated like an option.
In this classic interview, Craig Miller the creator of the popular seduction program "Seduce Her With Touch" told us how his friend Magik, an unattractive Indian guy with an accent, was able to meet and attract hot girls using powerful subconscious signals created from his touch.
I'm calling it now: I'm going to discover the cure for blindness and make billions of dollars someday. You'll all see.
Life, in itself, is full of stress. Your relationship must full of peace and calm not negative vibes and drama.
I imported a Honda directly from Japan and was forced to pay a large tariff... ...that's OK though because it's my Civic duty.
In the 1970s, George Lucas owned an Alaskan Malamute named "Indiana." As he wrote, Indiana would always sit next to him, inspiring him to give Han Solo a sidekick that was "like a big, furry dog." She was the inspiration for Chewbacca and Indiana Jones' name. National Dog Day
Not only do quick naps increase alertness, but they also improve decision-making, creativity, and sensory perception.
I pick up the note. I squint and move it away from my face until the words "YOU'RE OLD" become clear. I gasp.
"Letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building."
Dave's Adventure In A Cave (Limerick) There once was a man named Dave, who found a dead whore in a cave. She was ugly as shit and missing one tit, but think of the money he saved!
A friend's mum is losing it cos she can't deal with her son being gay. How did she know? His close 'straight friend' went broadcasting in church that he rejected a proposal from this guy. Hypocrisy, disloyalty and backbitting is eating the gay community alive!. So sad!
🎶 Haters keep my name in their mouth, now they’re gagging🎶
This Trans Dayof Remembrance, we honor Black Trans siblings we have lost, and remain committed to caring for those that are still here. Feeding our folx will always be our priority. Our funds are running dangerously low, + we need help to continue operating. [THREAD]
TALKING ABOUT POLITICS WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE YOUNGER THAN ME: How you present your ideas is almost as important as the content of those ideas. TALKING ABOUT POLITICS WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE OLDER THAN ME: Every single billionaire is inherently a piece of shit who should be in jail.
When a decapitated flatworm regrows its head, its memories return, as well.
Tomorrow is never guaranteed. I want you all to know i love you and thank you for always supporting.
How do you tell a transgender from a real woman? The quality of the sandwich.
Other than the initial approach, one of the biggest issues that a lot of guys face when it comes to meeting women is keeping the conversation going and keeping her engaged. So today you'll learn 3 simple yet intimate questions that you can ask a girl to get her attracted to you.
I saw a poster that said, 'Have you seen my cat?' I rang the number and told them I haven't. I like to help where I can.
It is so, so gravely disappointing when someone who can simply keep their mouth shut on something that has nothing to do with them, just simply cannot mind their own business.
Ever since i started wearing camo all the time... My girlfriend said she can't see me anymore.
THE SUN: I am 100 million billion pounds of burning hydrogen, helium, carbon, neon, and iron. PLANTS: Yum yum I'll have that and a water.
Today's National Bagel Day! What's your favorite type of bagel? ¥¯
The farmers of the desert are supplying a food security network for all of Israel. We take a lot of pride that there is no shortage in the marketWe are proud to serve our people.' Noa Zer, Central Arava Regional Council Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective. Wife: Those are earmuffs.
There's actually a response to the saying "Liar, liar, pants on fire." It's "I don't care, I don't care, I can buy another pair."
I met my girlfriends dad last weekend, he told me "Anything you do to my daughter ill do to you on my front lawn!" I said "I suppose you'll be buying me dinner on your front lawn?"
How does The Rock pee? He Dwaynes his Johnson.
Don't waste words on people who deserve silence
My wife recently broke up with me because I'm a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back.
"Flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing.
My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.... She's inflatable.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila Mockingbird
Sometimes, in the heat of an argument, you say things you don't mean. I'm sorry. You aren't a "silly goose". That's my dad talking, not me.
Why are Catholics the worst drivers? They always pull out at the last second (usually to avoid a child).
I trip out randomly thinking I'm bout to have me some Twins! Me and ma honey have bn crazy nesting. Ripped out my carpet in both rooms, installed new hardwood floors w my step-dad. Buying new furniture and TWO of everything. Now I need a bigger SUV and eventually a new house! Sheesh!
My wife just walked into a huge spider web. She is now a black belt in karate.
Depression and fatigue are often symptoms of dehydration water depression
An alcoholic wakes up in jail. He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
When I was involved in a three car pile up recently, I managed to escape with a dead leg. Not sure who's it was, but finders keepers.
"Because just hearing your voice, I would have changed my mind." - Dear John
My wife and I are proud of our son. He doesn't hang out with the wrong crowd, drink, or do drugs. He's the best 2 year old we could ask for
My ex-girlfriend was like an incompetent tailor... She didn't suit me.
What does a gay person eat for breakfast? Anything they want
What did the magician's girlfriend say to the magician? I can't see you anymore.
I hope it's warm out on Halloween, because wearing a coat is going ruin my nudist costume.
The female world record for the most orgasms in an hour is 134. The male world record is 16.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But, smoking bacon will cure it.
Q. What do you call 1000 heavily armed lesbians? A. Militia Etheridge
I lost my mood ring today. I don't know how I feel about it.
"You just need to believe in yourself." - Toy Story 2
What's the difference between the G-Spot and a Golf Ball? A guy will actually spend time searching for a Golf Ball.
Being rejected from something good just means you were being pointed toward something better.
Coming to America on VH1 right now is yet another gift this holiday season. Mc Dowells
Unfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day. So Yung. She was my Seoul mate.
What's the difference between a Mexican and an elevator? One can raise a child.
On Sunday, March 7, 1965, he helped lead a march for voting rights on the Edmund Pettus Bridge in Selma, Alabama where he and other marchers were brutally attacked by heavily armed local and state police.
We need to retroactively change the status of people who perpetuated hideous patterns of racism from 'heroes' to 'villains.' And villains don't deserve statues.
I’ve forgotten how to tell if pasta is done.
When I was a kid at sleep away camp, I still remember how exciting it was to get a letter from my Mom and Dad's attorney.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars- me: no i'm sure this is my wish [elsewhere] mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
You are what you eat. Which explains why my chinese class mates are dogs.
if running over deer had taught me anything... It's that if somethings horny, plow it on the hood of your car
Be proud of who you are, have gratitude for who you used to be and embrace who you're becoming. This is your journey to learn and grow from.
What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets the point.
In the end you should always do the right thing even if it's hard.
Have you seen the new documentary about rednecks? I've only seen the trailer.
Since 2007, all of McDonald's delivery trucks in the UK have been fueled by used cooking oil from their restaurants.
Blueberries reduce belly fat, fight aging diseases, preserves vision, has an extremely high antioxidant capacity health fruits
Do you ever think about somebody else when we're making love?" my wife asked. Shocked, I said. "Why would you ask me that?" "Because you have VR glasses on..."
Cuz, you know. They called our house the Out House." Last episode Red talks about her experiences on being a foster mom while answering the second letter of the day. If you've gained a family through foster/adoption, let us know. We will love to hear from you. Queer Family
How do you keep a blonde busy for years? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.
My friend from Mexico got bit by a mosquito.. he could not figure out why his American friend was not receiving bites as well. I told him the bugs were hungry for Mexican tonight.
"You always knew how to push my buttons. You give me everything and nothing' - Taylor Swift.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
6/ While there is no perfect formula to avoid burnout, I want to encourage future physicians that medicine is still an amazing calling and burnout is NOT a guarantee. med twitter some docs
Don't punish the people in front of you, for the mistakes made by the people behind you
I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.
Would've been ironic if a black pope had been elected. He would've been surrounded by men in white robes with pointy hats. Like the old days
I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy". I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.
"Where one thing falls, another grows. Maybe not what was there before, but something new and wonderful all the same." - Bambi
We've been on the [JNF] Sunshine Tour quite a few times. Just a terrific experienceIt's always been a joyful tour.' Hal Linden, Emmy Award winning actor Powered By JNF JNF On Demand
Every now and then look around, drink it in cause this is it, it might all be gone tomorrow.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Of what use is money when all you have is your health? HIV is no longer a death sentence, get treatment and be fine.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? DO IT YOURSELF YOU FILTHY MAN!
Butter is great source of Vitamins E & K. it contains conjugated linoleic acid, w/ch is anti-cancer agent, muscle builder & immunity booster
I gave my wife's phone number to all my friends so they can text her to ask if I'm allowed to go out and play.
A cup of cantaloupe contains 5158 IU of vitamin A and 67 mg of vitamin C, both more than the recommended daily value
according to some studies, garlic powder has all the benefits of whole garlic because it is a powdered version of whole garlic garlic
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
My wife just tried to cut off my penis. Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.
"Pain, you just have to ride it out. Hope it goes away on its own. Hope the wound heals on its own. There are no solutions, no easy answers"
"Time is a precious thing. Never waste it." - Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
What's a Tennessee tornado and a Texas divorce have in common? Someone's gonna lose a trailer.
Self-deprecating jokes are great. Not that I'm any good at them.
There are a lot of hot older women out there who are looking for a young guy to hook up with. On this previous episode, we'll talk about where to meet these type of women, how to know for sure if she's available and looking and the 1 personality quality you must have to connect.
Me: *takes off shirt and pants, gets into bed with just socks and underwear on* Mattress salesmen: Dude
What do they eat for breakfast in africa? Ebola cereal
Ston=strong obviously. Auto Correct Sucks
Did you here about the circus fire? It was in tents.
when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter. So I got it in Buford, Wyoming.
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut fucks everyone... A bitch fucks everyone but YOU.
What did the blind guy say to the deaf guy? I hear what your saying, but I don't see your point
I think therapy dogs make just about everyone feel better, except those people who wasted years of their lives going to school to become therapists only to be replaced by a chocolate lab with no education.
me: why does netflix have a "trending" section and a "popular" section. they're right next to each other and there's a ton of overlap, so it seems really- judge: i meant like questions about your conviction
Happy Birthday Maria! Praying blessing on you today!! Love you! 😘
This is the 47th wedding I've ruined. When I hit 50 I can retire. Conan And Friends https://t.co/RroiPVFp1m
I have my grandmother on speed dial, I call it Instagram.
The Invisible Man and The Invisible Woman got married. Their kids aren't anything to look at.
I don't understand why people don't want to have kids. I mean, who doesn't want to feel physically and emotionally drained all the time? It's so rewarding.
I just spent 3 hours trying to solve this Rubik's Cube before my son told me it's an apple. I may need a nap.
"There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move" - Miley Cyrus
I miss the good old days, when we'd ignore cell phone calls because we didn't want to waste our daytime minutes, unlike today where we do it because we hate each other.
My ex-girlfriend and I both went blind before we broke up. After that, we just couldn't see each other anymore.
The bartender says "we don't serve time travelers in here". A time traveler walks into a bar.
One comma makes all the difference when telling someone, 'Diet, Dr. Pepper'
My hot take is you’re a bad thanksgiving guest if the dish you made needs precious fridge/oven space. We go that shit mapped out!
A girlfriend I used to have took a restraining order out on me stating that I was mentally unstable. I immediately wrote a sternly worded letter protesting my innocence. Unfortunately I couldn't find a pen so I wrote it on her wall in my own shit.
If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock
Inspirational tweet: You should never compare yourself to other people. Compare yourself to pigeons... they're pretty much all morons and it'll make you feel better.
What's red and smells? Rudolph's nose.
Let’s just say, for this next lip sync I am.... going back to basics. 😈
If you wanted to see every piece of art in The Louvre in one visit, and spent just 30 seconds looking at each one, it would take you over a month to see them all... Assuming you were there 24/7, took no breaks and never slept.
Just seen an advert on TV by Gillette saying that they are easing the stress and pressure of shaving for men. I suggest that if you are a man that feels pressured and stressed from having a fucking shave then maybe you should consider waxing your vagina instead.
Why did the 'A' go to the bathroom and come out an 'E'? It had a vowel movement.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian It was the least I could do for that dog.
Recently started working with homosexuals, I'm having a hard time dealing with the sticky mess. But they insist I style my hair using gel to appear more professional.
If Muslim women insist on dressing like ninjas, they should also act like them. And disappear.
Success doesn't matter if you're family is left behind you.
There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone... it was because I thought, if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it.
As hard as we try to move forward, as tempting as it is to never look back, the past always comes back to bite us in the ass.
Do you know how many 3rd party sects the catholic church is protecting? None, catholics aren't allowed to have protected sects.
We are searching for NYC-based Black Trans/GNC performers for an upcoming event! Singers, rappers, dancers, actors, musicians, poets, artists of all kinds, drop ya emails and links to your work!
Went to the library and asked if they had a book about tiny dicks. Librarian said, "Don't think it's in yet." I said, "Yes, that's the one."
Someone: I like your name! Me: Thanks, I got it for my birthday.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Dont be silly, feminists cant change anything.
robber: put the money in the bag mcdonalds cashier: ok just don't kill me robber: now put sprite in this water cup mcdonalds cashier: fuck you i'd rather die
Marriage means less "me" and more "we"
[at ultrasound] Nurse: there it is. There's your baby Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Burgers Never Say Die - restaurant, or the best Bond movie ever?
Up to 90% of the wildlife found on Madagascar is found nowhere else on Earth.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I relate to Aquaman most when he's swimming with his shirt on
Use this time to reset your finances by examining how you handle your money. Start by setting a budget based on your income. Spend less than you earn. Save money. Invest what you have saved. - Dr. Josephus Shepherd STEI Reset COVID 19
A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck to find three bunches of flowers beside her bed. One from her surgeon, to say all went well. One from her husband, "get well soon", and he loved her. One from Tommy in the burns unit, to say "Thank you for my new ears"
My father was a conjoined twin so his brother was ... My uncle on my father's side.
What do you call a blonde white guy with blue eyes who is an experienced soldier and who works with sick animals? A veteran Aryan.
An ugly personality will always ruin a beautiful face
i love hoodies man. am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Wow! We are at $1,700, which puts us more than halfway to our goal of $3,000 for Give Out Day and over 10% of the way to our $10K overall goal! Thank you for the outpouring of love and support! Can we get to $3K today?
My wife and I had a row and it finished with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees! She said: 'Get out from under that bed and fight like a man.'
They said the term 'Chinese virus' is racist... Then they said the term 'Kung Flu' is racist... So from now on I'm calling it 'Wu Ping Cough'
If the whistle blower testifies to Congress, I hope he wears a referee's uniform.
What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five guys.
It's pretty hypocritical that the word 'repetitive' has three e's, two t's, and two i's in it.
What do you love most about Ellen Pompeo? Please reply with your first name so I can add you to my project!
They say childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience... Maybe I was too young to remember, but I don't think it hurt that much...
"[Reading] is important because it gives you room to exist beyond the reality you’re given. It is how humans merge. How minds connect. Dreams. Empathy. Understanding. Escape. Reading is love in action.” ―Matt Haig, Notes on a Nervous Planet Books Connect Us
Hiring one highly productive "toxic worker" is more damaging to a company's bottom line than hiring several less productive, but more cooperative employees, according to Harvard researchers.
Why do Jews get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower. The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do. We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
What advice would you give someone coming out for the first time?
Proteolytic means "breaks down protein". It helps the body digest proteins more efficiently. Pineapple is rich in Proteolytic
Heard the one about the wealthy lesbian prostitute? She makes money hand over fist
I saw this lady vogueing alone so I felt bad and started dancing with her. Anyone know sign language for 'Im sorry'?
The PlayStation 2 had such great popularity; Sony continued to make them until the month before the PlayStation 4 was announced.
Over dinner I asked my date "What was your favourite fairytale as a little girl?" She replied "Sleeping Beauty, definitely." I said "Well that's a happy coincidence!" Her eyes lit up and she said "It was yours too?" I replied "No, but I've slipped Rohypnol in your wine"
Naruto is one of the best stories in anime. So. Fkin. Good.
[Marriage Counselling] Wife: His gambling addiction is ruining our marriage. Therapist (to me): Is that true? Me: There are 6 to 1 odds it is. (Pulling our wallet) Anyone wants to make this more interesting and get in on this?
What if a butterfly got a tramp stamp of a trashy white girl?
Listen here you snot nosed punk! Better respect my fake badge.
me: so i said what are you gonna do, kick my ass? nurse: then what happened
Thrilled to announce our Med. Student Scholarship Awardees: Cortlyn Brown and Nana Asabere!
Share your most amazing photo from Israel for a chance to win a 5-star hotel stay in Jerusalem, thanks to our sponsor IsramIsrael. To enter: - Submit a photo from Israel on Instagram or FB - Follow JNF on Instagram or FB - In caption, tag JNF and add My Israel Photo and Powered By JNF
1 egg yolk has about 300 micrograms of choline which is important to regulate the brain, nervous & cardiovascular systems health
Why are Mexicans called spics? Because they spic spanish.
What is a shark's guilty pleasure? A mouth full of seamen. rofl
I never understood school shooting jokes I guess they're aimed at a younger audience.
I'm trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy. I think it's working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I'm looking for clues in the garden.
Why are redneck murders hard to solve? No dental records and the DNA is all the same.
Dating is hard because guys are like "You're hot, can we do butt stuff yet?" and girls are like "It's been 3 days, where's my ring?"
Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."
Being an adult means eating what you want when you want. But it also means realizing you're not capable of making healthy choices, so you get a personal trainer to make a meal plan for you. But when he does you say 'No one is telling me what to eat. Screw that guy. I'm an adult'.
"So many people will say you can't. All you gotta do is turn around and say "watch me." - Never Say Never
Change. We don't like it, we fear it... but we can't stop it from coming.
When do Arabs return their library books? the day they're Dubai.
The "Breaking Bad" team was offered $75 million to produce three more episodes after the final season, which was estimated to be more than their earnings in five years. The team refused, saying that the final episodes didn't accommodate additional installments.
"We live in a world of worst case scenarios. We cut ourselves off from hoping for the best because too many times, the best doesn't happen."
Why are Native Americans the most successfull strippers? Because when they dance, they make it rain.
I think my girlfriend's love for Einstein's theories is driving us away from each other. But, hey. I'll be a good guy and understand if she just wants some time and space.
We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
studio exec: ok we've got winnie the pooh, eeyore, now what should we name this one writer: tigger studio exec: [was only half listening] woah what the fuck did you just say
Stuck on a gift for Senator Mitch McConnell? You can't go wrong with body glitter.
"Of course he's gonna push you away.. Because he hates being vulnerable. But that's when he's gonna need you to stick with him the most."
My buddy set me up on a blind date and said, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby." Felt like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper.
And the award for the best neckwear goes to...Well, would you look at that, it's a tie!
Q: What's the meaning of ignorance and apathy? A: I don't know, and I don't care.
Started Giri / Haji and lovin’ it
I fart like an Egyptian pharoah... We have a toot in common.
Your spouse doesn't have to be perfect in order to be exactly what you need
The creator of Johnny Bravo, the creator of Powerpuff Girls, and the creator of Dexter's Laboratory were all roommates in college.
What's the difference between a gay man and straight man mustache? The smell
My wife tells me she's not a piece of meat, but then proceeds to rub body butter all over herself.
The Constitution of Mexico was the first document in history to say that every person has the right to an education.
Guy says, "damn, there should be a law against having sex this good!" The girl said nothing, for the drugs had left her unconscious.
kid in a scary movie outside a haunted house: ok we saw it can we go now kid who will definitely die in 12 minutes: what are you C H I C K E N
"We know it's time, we know it's right. We know we did everything we could, but it's hard to shake the feeling we could have done more."
What do you call a cheap hooker's snatch? Death Valley.
What did the Jewish lesbian say to her girlfriend before taking her virginity? L'hymen
20 Never believe her when she says "I'm fine." That's normally when she's falling apart the most. boyfriend tips
So if I don't get caught it's a "free sample" and if I do get caught it's "stolen property, please come with me, sir"? Real double standard.
Willie Nelson once smoked weed on the roof of the White House with President Jimmy Carter's son.
My girlfriend LOVES my toenails.. I'm starting to think she's a nailphile.
Would it have helped if we could see what else was coming? Would we have known that those were the best moments of our lives?
Don't fear death, fear the condition in which you will die
Have you heard about the guy whose whole left side got shaved by a train? I heard he is all right now ROFL
Nearly 70% of Americans have less than $1,000 in their savings accounts, according to a 2019 survey. 45% have no savings at all.
My wife caught me looking at Pinterest. I tried to cover it with a porn site, but she's fast.
Call a woman beautiful a hundred times... Call a woman beautiful hundred times, and she won't remember. But call her fat just *one* time, and she'll never forget. Because elephants never forget.
Pandas show little interest in company or friends, spending most of their time alone. They prefer to find a spot with bamboo, eat until its gone... then find a new spot.
How did you like that hug SPN Family ?
My mother handed me $20 "Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party." That was the day I realized my brother was the favorite twin.
Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
It's possible to be gay and still read your Bible and love the Lord.
If Bruce Wayne was Jewish, would he have had a bar mitzvah or a bat mitzvah?
It's frustrating when all the birthday cards at the store suck. Is it really too much to ask to be able to purchase a piece of cardboard with the exact words quantifying my very unique and very specific relationship with my wife for just $4.99? Get it together, Hallmark.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I'm like HOLY CRAP I'M OUTSIDE.
The other day, I was having sex with this married woman, when her husband came home early.  She told me I'd have to use the back door and said I'd have to be quick.  On reflection, I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that...
INTERVIEWER: I noticed you use a lot of contractions in your writing. Are there any you don't like? ME: T'ain't one.
In an effort 2 squash some posers, my daughter is helping me start an Instagram profile. Chk it out. Hint: it's just my name
no doggystyle, no reverse cowboy... only midnight sky
[Jews being led out of Egypt] Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn't just stop & ask directions? Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I wanna start a muslim tinder called a-salama-like'em or a-salama-hate'em
What would you call a social media marketing genius? Masterbaiter ROFL
What's the hardest part about vaping? Telling your parents you're gay
My wife just threw away my favourite herb. She's such a thyme waster.
Quick q: this not-very-famous loser is on Cameo, and was rude to me on Twitter, can I pay him to shoot an apology video to me?
🙋‍♀️ Size inclusive. We offer size 0 - 24 and 0x - 4x and styles for petites and plus. This collection was created for EVERY-body. Now Genx Kohls
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifesaver. It's what he would have wanted.
I met a girl in a club last night, after a few drinks she asked if I would like to go back to her place for sex. I didn't want to disappoint her, So I said "No".
I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee Without other people's dicks in it.
At some point you just have to let go, move on... it's the only way we grow.
Ooooh Knives Out is free on amazon prime!? Been wanting to watch disssss.... foo!
English ships start with HMS, United states with USS... what about Italian ships? AMB. It's stands for, 'Atsa Ma Boat!'
What is the By Okra series? We're glad you asked! By Okra events are specially curated health and wellness affinity spaces for Black Trans people. We've already held Beauty by Okra for Transfemimine folx and Brotha by Okra for Transmasculine folx, and this month...
A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
me: [as cute doctor walks in] i must have been poisoned by the mafia- doctor: says here you ate a glowstick
Prayers to our many good spnfamily members affected by today's events in Manchester England.
Fairy Tale Trivia: The wolf in 3 Little Pigs and the wolf in Red Riding Hood were roommates at UC Santa Cruz.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for Tuesday.
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre... so he gives it to her
Wanted to watch the Chernobyl miniseries but thanks to Alexa I am deeply engrossed in "Cher: No Bull." What a life she's had!
when dehydration reaches 5%, increased heart rate and extreme fatigue, and nausea are the most common symptoms
I just heard a dried up grape won the lottery, got a supermodel girlfriend and won a brand new car. I guess everything happens for a raisin.
Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm. I'm the CIEIO
And Boom...there u have it. Hope y'all enjoyed. Now I'm gonna kill the pizza company. Supernatura I SPN Family
So we have to remember... sometimes, the most important history, is the history we're making TODAY.
On my recent trip to wherever, I couldn't believe how great that thing was.
"We can't be afraid to change our minds, to accept that things are different, that they'll never be the same, for better or for worse."
Don't go cooking, washing, house-cleaning to prove your love for a man. Those things do nothing to his heart. Servitude is no precondition to love.
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby. But let me give it a shot.
I won't kill you with kindness, but I will mace you with charm.
I just want someone to play Super Mario Smash Bros. On Nintendo 64
Be the reason someone smiles. Be the reason someone feels loved. A few kind words can change the world.
I'm trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps saying its private
I'm addicted to having money in the bank. I really do suffer from withdrawals.
We've already begun conversations with Black faith leaders from various spiritual traditions about how to make faith based spaces affirming for Black Trans people, and in the new year, we'll be launching our Faith by Okra series!
What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin? Countdown
They say that milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own fucking business.
"We're friends. Real friends. And that means no matter how long it takes, when you finally do decide to look back, I'll still be here."
Me and my baby mama are gonna name the kid Pun It wasn't intended
Wife: Maybe its time for "the talk" Me: Ok. Son, cops can't bust you for the drugs you've done, just the drugs you have. Her: Not that talk!
What are you going to do in the weekend? "I'm going to buy glasses." "And then what?" "Then I'll see."
My wife... It's difficult to say what she does... She sells seashells on the seashore.
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop eating Pasta. Now I'm feeling cannelloni.
Why did the fat monster put a candle on his tummy? He was celebrating his girthday!
What has TWO wings, and ONE arrow? A Chinese telephone. Wing wing. Arrow?
If you don't feel comfortable in your skin or have unresolved demons or can't handle life's challenges, these will show themselves as problems in your relationships with women. So Arica Angelo is going to show you how to find love by first learning how to love and value yourself.
I love pussy, It's the cunt around it I cant stand
"Are you sexually active?" I asked my 93 year old patient. "Yes" she smiled. "That's fucking disgusting" I said.
What did Delaware? Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
Sometimes men need to spend time alone without any female figure around them.A night with his friends would be the perfect gift for him.
BABY BOOMER: Let me have some of that doobie, it can't be any stronger than the stuff I used to smoke when I was your age. *Twelve Minutes Later* BABY BOOMER: [calling 911] Hello, yes, I'd like to report a crime... Somebody has stolen my hands.
This joke is so dark that I hope it doesn't get shot by the police.
for open pores, use a moisturizer made w/ Vitamin C. Vitamin C is 1 of the very few solutions for the problem of enlarged pores pores skin
I think my girlfriend has a blind fetish. Last night she said we should stop seeing each other.
People will give you acting notes like: 'Don't use your legs so much' and 'What are you doing with your legs?' Ignore it. Classic case of jealousy.
I was watching one of my old cholo adventures videos and i didn't even laugh once! I laughed a bunch
To our members of the SPN Fami Iy how are celebrating. Happy New Year Rosh Hashanah. Shana Tova!
The X-Files episode "Home" was so disturbing that it only aired on Fox once. It was banned from ever being shown on the network again, but eventually re-aired on the cable channel FX.
You know what's best for YOU, don't always be taking other ppls wack* ass* advice
I go to bed early at 9pm, mostly because I like to get at least 8 of hours of laying awake worrying about things before I have to go to work the next day.
What do you call a lesbian who also doesn't eat meat? A vagetarian.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. ...and his wife is livid. "You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!" "No," slurs the mathematician... "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
me: [letting dog lick my face] wife: that's disgusting me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you're the one who used all the hot water linda
"She's tough. She tries to hide it. She's difficult, but if you make an effort, she's worth it. She's worth the effort."
Let's talk about real guys with real stories. Starting with a recent client who got out of the friend-zone after 1.5 years. Then how to meet girls at a restaurant, what if you're not getting anywhere with a girl at work, and how to get a girl interested again after being ghosted.
Instead of staying up late and enjoying myself, I prefer to go to bed early and get a full night of laying awake worrying.
Girls, if you're gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
In 2010, United Airlines told a blind passenger that they would help her off the plane, but only after the other passengers had exited. Then they forgot about her and locked her inside the empty aircraft.
I just read a story about a blind guy who's training to run in his eleventh marathon in case you were wondering what a lazy fuck you are.
Girl: What colour are my eyes? Guy: 34C.
"I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything." - The Vow
Since my wife left, I've bought a Harley Davison, 10 grams of cocaine and I'm currently in bed with four italian prostitutes. She's going to be pissed when she comes home from work.
After years of being unsuccessful at finding 'snuff videos' on the Dark Web. I found a great new source. Local American news programs.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they'll just beat the room for being black!
"My love's like a star, yeah. You can't always see me, but you know that I'm always there." - Demi Lovato.
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a healthy dog have in common? 84% of their dna
me: you ever walk into a room and forget what you were doing woman: but how did my husband's surgery go? is he okay? me: [noticing i'm wearing medical scrubs] oh god oh fuck
Worked out legs n nalgas yesterday. Everything hurts. I can't even hold in my farts.
What you do get from a dwarf cow? Condensed milk.
The Aztecs thought avocados were so sexually powerful; virgins were banned from eating them.
Did you hear about the girl so in love, she'd rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping? Talk about head over heels!
One of the ways voter suppression is so effective is that it convinces you that it 's permanent. It convinces you that it was your fault. It convinces you that there is no remedy. ' -Stacy Abrams All Eyes On GA She Could Be Next PBS
You always have to be extra careful when driving through a predominantly black neighborhood at night. Because black people are super hard to see in the dark.
Sometimes at night I look up at the stars and think... I should really get a roof for this house.
Why were ancient Egyptian children  confused? Because their daddies were mummies.
Why don't black people get sunburnt? Prisons are indoors.
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes. I told her to lighten up.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter. I have some breaking news for her.
I know several jokes in sign language. I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.
Reset your mortgage during this time. Interest rates are low and you can refinance to lower your mortgage payments. - Dr. Josephus Shepherd STEI Reset COVID 19
The Okra Project International Grocery Fund is an initiative in which we send $40 to Black Trans folx outside of our service areas so they can buy food. Every month, we aim to serve at least 25 folx via this service, which costs $1,000.
The computer was invented by a gay man -Alan Turing. Person who first diagnosed treatment of TB -Dr. Alan L. Hart was transgender. Dr. Martin Luther King 's mentor, Bayard Rustin, was gay. Patriotic hymn "America the Beautiful" was by Katherine Lee Bates â“Â a lesbian.
When your girlfriend says "I love you" reply with "I love you more!" Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
There's no reason to be bored while flying on an airplane. Use that time to tell the person next to you your entire life story.
Snakes can't win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they're playing into hurtful stereotypes.
Dear Santa -- For 2017, all I want is a SLIM body and a BIG FAT bank account. Please don't mix it up like last year.
Girls are like math problems... If they are under 18, it's best you do them in your head.
Fast walkers tend to live longer than those who walk at an average pace, according to research published in Mayo Clinic Proceedings.
Tough week, just found out my wife and I pronounce "gif" differently.
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel.
two tablespoons of parsley contain 16% of the RDA of vitamin C and over 12% of the RDA of vitamin A - two powerful antioxidants.
Question! When was the first time you heard of me?
Would you ever run for political office? Mayor Red? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
It's a bad sign that in order to vote in Georgia you have to prove you subscribe to The Golf Channel.
Just watched the trailer to Onward ... it's a father- son story?! I'm not ready. Need to find a way to watch it but not in front of Vanessa cause I'm def gonna be crying. Maybe I should fake an allergy
"I just want it to be you and I forever.' - Happily.
A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less." The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."
I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.
"This time it's over over" "I can't believe you're doing this over walkie-talkies over"
Push-ups? No, I'm just practicing my shoving.
Ya Gay Aunties return Wednesday Jan 8! Pullin no punches and lovin on the chillren like never before in 2020!! ya gay aunties is a weekly podcast about queer adulting
A counselor caseload of 400 students???? There 's no way a counselor can be expected to work well in that kind of setup. problem areas afropunk solution sessions
duck: [sees my bread] i lust for crust me: no duck: c'mon that dough make me go oh me: it'll make you sick duck: i am a beast for the yeast baby
Ellen Pompeo will also be on Jimmy Kimmel tonight!
Most "close-door" buttons in U.S. elevators don't actually work because they're not allowed to. By law, elevator doors must be open long enough to ensure that people with disabilities have enough time to get inside.
What did the prostitute say after fucking Jesus? Nailed it!
Why do all the lesbians shop at The Sports Authority? Because they don't like Dicks.
"All I want is the taste that your lips allow." - Ed Sheeran.
Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis
Everyone loves when pro athletes dump a jug of Gatorade on their coaches head to celebrate, but I do it to my life coach after a good week and suddenly I'm making 'bad decisions'
We all make fun of it, but how creepy would it be if we suddenly STOPPED getting e-mails from LinkedIn?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There's a line to get in. We're never on the same page. Nothing's black & white. We're well red
Direct Services: We send Black Trans chefs to the homes of Black Trans people to cook them a healthy, delicious, and culturally relevant meal, free of charge. In June, we paused direct services in order to restructure and do some internal work, but we will resume in January!
Diamonds are a girl's best friend until you realize they turn you into a shallow ho
What do you call an Asian with a big butt hole? Gay ping!
"Tea has only 1/2 to 1/3 as much caffeine as coffee when you compare them cup for cup"
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dining room, patio...
I'm told that if you eat pineapple or carrots in excess, your cum will taste like that food... Is this why my Japanese girlfriend's pussy tastes like raw fish?
How do you piss off a female archaeologist? Find a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.
Climb the mountain so you can see the world, not so the world can see you
I know I wouldn't make a good action hero because I can barely escape my garage on foot before the door closes.
Flee from abusive relationships. Your life matters than a dramatic love life.
When the stagecoaches were standard in the 1880s, the driver would typically assign his passenger seat to an armed partner whose duty it was to keep thieves away. Hence, the expression "riding shotgun."
Hello followers! Let us know what you want to see and/or how we can increase awareness/treatment of mental illness in the Black community.
A family of Jews sit on the sofa at home. When its cold they sit around a candle. When its really really cold, they light it.
Violence is the lowest form of communication '
Pound-for-pound, gonorrhea bacterium is the strongest creature alive. It can pull with force equal to 100,000 times its own body weight.
If you’re reading this, i think you’re pretty.
Love to hear about different paths to healing! From the yoga article "When you are firmly rooted to your purpose, you are unmessable with."
I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place! The dog came third.
How did the prostitute get a job at the zoo? They heard she could handle a cockatoo.
What did the Mexican family get for Christmas? Deported
There are two types of trials in this world: trails that stain you, and trails that change you!
Smell is such an amazing trigger for memories. Like how the smell of pizza can instantly transport you back to a time you ate pizza. Incredible.
I've Got a Surprise for you! says the excited girl friend. "abort it" he reply's.
The day after Mother's Day when the Mother's Day bouquets are all half price. I just bought one for my mom for next year. It's called planning ahead and being smart.
Why are school shooters more likely to be white people? White people actually go to school. Black people stay home and shoot people in their own neighborhood.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to play pearl harbour."What's that?" she asked.That's where I lie down & u blow the fuck out of me
"Warranty void if removed" stickers have been illegal in the U.S. since 1975.
Hepatitis B is killing many gay guys in recent times than HIV/AIDS. Thankfully, there is a vaccine that can protect you from the virus. Be wise!, visit any clinic for your Hepatitis B shot.
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face. ROFL
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I said: 'Yes just once.' He asked: 'What was it like?' I replied: 'It was dark, then suddenly very bright.'
Took my family to the Renaissance Fair on Saturday; today we are all laid up with melancholy humours.
Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins. She's not nosey. Just shit at parking.
The screenplay for the classic horror movie "Halloween" was written in ten days. The movie took just twenty days to shoot.
If I get done in time with work today, I'll be watching the west coast feed of the mid-season finale. Who wants to join me? Supernatura I
I went to the bar last night and saw a really fat woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"
Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed. Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
Frank Sinatra's publicist would audition and pay girls $5 to scream at his early performances to get the crowd excited.
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us.
Hey Verizon, here's an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I learned everything I know about empathy from social media. Let me see if I'm getting it right: Empathy is where you breach the gap between you and someone else who has a different perspective than you by calling them stupid.
"Words will be just words, till you bring them to life." - Another World
4: can we name the baby Yoko? Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name 4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko? Me: ... 4: ... Me: yes
Potatoes have more potassium than any other vegetable - even more than bananas. Potassium is important for body growth & cell maintenance
Mexican and Black Jokes are ALL the same... Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
What do you call a retired miner? Doug.
Flashing my Costco card at the lady at the entrance is the closest I'll ever get to feeling like I'm on the VIP list at the clubs.
Went out for a jog today Thought I heard someone clapping for me. Turns out it was just my fat thighs.
What language do bugs in the Middle East speak? Scarabic
Since starting the Imagination Library in 1995, Dolly Parton has given away more than 100 million books to children.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.
What do you call a doctor who is half man and half horse? A centaur for disease control.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.
me: [finishes beatboxing] cop: ok that was impressive but i still need to give you a ticket
Me: *buys a toilet seat on Amazon Amazon: Here are 19 other toilet seats you might be interested in. Me (a person who collects toilet seats): Nice.
The first chocolate bar was made in 1847. Before that, chocolate was only a drink.
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping? It's a dream job.
To date or not to date a single mom. That is the question. Because getting involved with a single mom can be the best or worst thing you can do to yourself. There are pros and cons that come with dating a single mom but they change depending on your own situation. Let's discuss.
Never stop dreaming. One day, you'll be in the right place and at the right time.
Accidently said hello to a vegan feminist this morning. My trial starts on Monday.
I've learned 99% of the English language. I'm almost their.
Without forgiveness... old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we'll be lucky enough to forget.
What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I'm stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
What's the difference between redneck newlyweds and two variables in a dataset? The variables aren't necessarily related.
Welcome to tonight's Auntie Red Tweet Tea.
Pomegranate juice contains anthocyanins that act to strengthen the walls of the tiny blood vessels that supply nutrients to the skin juice
I like my hookers like I like my treasure... Buried.
I just saw a cloud that looked exactly like my father withholding his approval.
Christmas is such a happy time - the only way I can get through it, is to stop taking my anti-depressants.
me: [stops kissing] what's wrong her: this isn't what i meant when i asked if you had "toys" me: my bop it: bop it!
We learn from failure, not from success!
What do you call a fat female assassin? A killer whale.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air everyone: [puts hands up] me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
What is the difference between a straight man's mustache and a gay man's mustache? The smell.
They told me i wouldn't be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*
I decided to join the new Jewish fraternity on campus ... Zayda Ate a Bagel
Your parents just wants you to have a better life than they had. Go easy on them
What if she originated the Meryl or the Goldie part in Death Becomes Her the musical....
"You know what? Guys should play ALL the parts. We could even wear dresses and kiss and stuff." - Shakespeare's gay friend
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears. You lift one up and shout "Where are you from?"
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious.. or did she?
peanuts r high in protein, vit E, iron, calcium, and niacin, antioxidants health peanuts
I have to ask... Is the rainbow the symbol of homosexuals because it's bent over?
Wife: Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! Me: Haha funny. [under the mattress] Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Why in our homophobic society do parents teach their children: Rubadubdub 3 men in a tub & then wonder why their son turns out gay?
[Bedtime Routine before and after getting married] Before: Brush teeth, wash face, cry self to sleep After: Brush teeth, wash face, get rejected by wife, cry self to sleep It's crazy how much my life has changed since being married
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand up
If I were in prison, I wouldn't ruin my spoon trying to tunnel out, because going without morning yogurt is its own prison.
My wildest dream as a gay man is to get married to the man who shares in my ambitions, travel the work and have a positive impact on the LGBTQI+ Community. What's your wildest dream as a gay person?
Don't blame him for not holding your hands or showing a public display of affection. He's protecting you both from a preying homophobic society.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting
I bought my wife some sexy lingerie. & as she tried it on, I couldn't help but think. It looked a lot fucking better on my girlfriend.
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar... It was tense. haha
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail? Because he was in a cent.
Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No".
I just got a ticket for driving while wearing VR goggles yet the cop couldn't suggest any other way for me to feel like I'm riding a dragon.
Rampone? Just say 'here'. Rapinoe, how was Paris? Amy Rodriquez? Sauerbrunn. Sauerbrunn! Thank you, Becks!
According to a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, countries that consume more chocolate produce more Nobel Prize winners.
Just when I thought nothing good was going to happen this summer, Coca Cola comes out with new flavours of Coke Zero and saves the day.
32 Actually listen to what she has to say.
Anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying. But heres the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
What did the Jewish pirate say when he heard his wife died? Argh, shiva me timbers
Don't cry for what could have been, but instead smile for what can still be
Avocados have more carotenoid lutein than any other commonly consumed fruit. Lutein is protects the eyes eyes fruit
If you're not sure if she likes you for your money or love, then suggest doing things that cost nothing. You'll get your answer immediately.
I'm not afraid of butterflies, but they do make me feel nervous.
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
Q: How do you describe a blonde surrounded by  drooling idiots? A: Flattered.
"Some wounds might never fully heal. You might have to adjust to a new way of living. Things may have changed too radically to ever go back"
My girlfriend feels she needs 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in her shower & if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor
Friend: I noticed you registered for your cats wedding Me: I know, cute right? Friend: Yeah, but you registered for a fridge, stove, dishwasher, king size bed, and living room set. Me: ... Friend: ... Me: ...And?
"We only see what we wanna see and believe what we wanna believe and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that the lies seem like the truth."
It costs less than a dollar's worth of electricity to charge your phone all year.
What's a cannibal's favorite snack? A knuckle sandwich.
James Madison was only 5'4" and never weighed more than 100 pounds, making him the smallest U.S. president in history.
What do you call a stoner with down syndrome? A baked potato.
No matter what, make him feel like he's your top priority.
40% of men over 40 suffer from erectile dysfunction. "I don't think it's the mens fault, I mean, have you seen what women over 40 look like?
1st day back at home. Still smelling smoke.But grateful to have a home to come to and forever grateful to firefighters. Thomas Fire
Yo moma so fat... Yo moma so fat she's only fast when she's asleep. So sorry. rofl
As a quiet and skinny person, I feel like we should charge loud and fat people more to ride the subway. It won't be difficult to implement either. All we would need to do is charge them by volume.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
Why don't Germans tell jokes about sausage? Because they are the wurst.
What do you call hundreds of crows at a Catholic church? A mass murder.
We're just people. We screw up, we lose our way, even the best of us have our off days.
When you get married, you get to get to know someone intimately... especially how to annoy them.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Keep posting videos of your children being brats. It's great birth control and the only way we're going to get this global population under control.
me: but i want it ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
What do you call a group of obese gender reassigned persons? Trans fats.
May your past make you better, not bitter.
Last night, a local barber for 20 years got caught for drugs I was his customer for 8 years, I didn't know he was a barber.
How many black guys does it take to change a light bulb? Three... One to change the light bulb and two to stab each other.
What do you call a blowjob from a vampire? Blood sausage. ROFL
Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school" Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
One day I'll cure deafness... You hear me!
How are you guys surviving the hiatus?! Also, what are your expectations for season 10?
"Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel like you're less than perfect." - Pink.
I don't make New Year's Resolutions, I make New Year's Vague Declarations Of Semi-Intent.
If you sing in the shower, and no one is around to hear it, is it still horrible?
"You know the difference between me and you? ... I make this look good" - Men in Black
The best speakers are actually the best listeners
I can't sleep so I better keep everyone awake. - babies
What do you call your creepy Jewish neighbor? Diddler on the roof.
"It lasted forever, And ended so soon." - A Walk to Remember
Smile now, cause the worst is yet to come.
The Chinese girl I dated turned out to be crazy. I guess I should have noticed the big red flag.
"Who's gonna be the first to say goodbye?' - Spaces
The iPhone fingerprint scanner is totally useless if you're like me and your fingerprints are always covered in Cheetos dust.
some people have pointed out that at a state level, alabama doesn't refer to their assembly as "congress" so i'll use the correct term: klan meeting
Gorillas live in a semi-permanent state of flatulence. Due to their vast vegetarian diet and intestinal microflora, they're almost always farting.
Whenever someone gets upset about bad grammar, comfort them by saying 'they're they're'
It can't be much fun being gay. Your friends are always moaning behind your back.
A "desire path" is a path naturally created by people's footsteps when they repeatedly walk around paved paths. Universities and hospitals will sometimes wait to see where these form, then pave over them to give people the walking experience they really want.
there are so many different prices and models! which one is the right one?
I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me. She was lack-toes intolerant.
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
I'll accept the 'fat fingers' excuse for typos but if you fuck up your/you're I'm going to need to see a doctor's note explaining your IQ.
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
What do you call sliding into home plate, on a green field in Mexico? Muchas Grassy-ass. 
Why are most cemeteries fenced in? Because everyone is dying to get in
I'm so excited to finally get a dad bod It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
Soft kisses..... We love them.
[sitcom about a hunchback detective] *Detective Hunchback examines a murder weapon* Sidekick: Do you know who did it? DHB: I have a hunch.. (Studio audience loses it)
When god created France it was beautiful, and great. The rest of the world was so jeaulous...so to make it equal god created French People.
I bumped into two guys at the washroom today while church was ongoing. They were kissing. Though stunned, I just smiled at them. I just wish them well, they make a lovely couple.
So a man is alone in a forest And if his wife isn't around to hear him. Is he still wrong?
What's Dracula's favourite type of coffee? Decoffinated.
Eliminate Anime and Islam, and you secure the the existence of western culture for eternity
The doctor hands me the baby and tells me my wife didn't make it. So I politely return the baby and ask for the one my wife made.
How is a Muslim at Ramadan like Sonic the Hedgehog? They both gotta go fast.
Beware careful of only receiving half the truth, you may have gotten the wrong half
what do you call a young Chinese prostitute ? SUM YUNG HO
"Are we friends or are we more?" - Change My Mind.
Eleanor gets it-- it's okay to not be fine right now. We hope if you're fine or not fine, you find the understanding and support you need, from a book or beyond.
when she sends you text asking you if you are busy in the middle of the conversation it means that you are not paying attention
Oriental Rugs and Tubs... could be a furniture store or a dyslexic whorehouse.
Lewis went on to serve as the US Representative for Georgia's 5th Congressional District for over 30 years and came to be known as the "Conscience of Congress" due to him becoming the embodiment of the nonviolent fight for civil rights.
rhode island: can we be a state government: oh ya ok i would love to have a state the size of a best buy parking lot that's great, do you wanna draw the border i've got some fuckin sidewalk chalk right here rhode island: [crying] government: woah hey man listen
Like humans, honeybees need 5-“8 hours of sleep each day. When bees get tired, they have trouble communicating and finding their hives. Many get lost and never return.
Do you remember Buckwheat from the little rascals? He recently converted to Islam. And became Kareem of Wheat.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought. It's an extremely rare dish order.
Somebody broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch
What did Jesus say to the man with leprocy? OOPS! GOT YOUR NOSE!
I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
"Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." - Lolly Daskal
A fire broke out at a Weight Watchers meeting last night. Members could be heard screaming, "Walk for your lives!"
How do you know if a guy has an asian wife? He'll tell you.
facts about white people: -they die after 4 days without ranch -they can only have sex to "grandma got ran over by a reindeer" -they are very weak against sharks -in packs, they are called an ultimate frisbee team
Reading is an active mental process in which you reason out many things which are unfamiliar to you & use the grey cells of your brain read
If retards are supposed to be so stupid how come I have never seen one smoking?
How do you navigate holidays like father's day in queer relationships where the bio dad isn't involved? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Never get in a fight with a T-rex. You'll get jurasskicked.
"We're all gonna die. We don't get much say over how or when. But we do get to decide how we're gonna live. So do it. Decide."
During the Olympics in Ancient Greece, competitors who were found cheating would have to pay a fine. The money would then pay for a statue of Zeus with a plaque shaming the offender, which would be placed on the road to the stadium.
me: I redecorated our room so bear with me her: swear to me that there isn't a bear in there me: [unlocking the koala room] there is technically not a bear in here
Enough have you have threatened violence if i delete it. I submit.
Say what you will about that pilot... ...but at least he died doing what Germans love most. Mass murdering innocent people.
I hate it when people make fun of the disabled. They can't even stand up for themselves. It's wheely not nice.
Sharks have survived four of the 'big five' mass extinctions. This makes them older than humanity, older than Mount Everest, older than dinosaurs, and even older than trees.
One of the hardest things for me to learn as a husband is that if I order a side fries at a restaurant, they are my not my fries. They are my wife's fries that happen to be sitting on my plate.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
Q4: How do we go about creating healthy safe havens for ppl in need of healing and beginning the wellness process?" TWS Chat
What's the most Jewish instrument? The Sachs
What do you call an Arab man who drives a bus? A bus driver.
Better to have small deeds with lots of sincerity than big deeds with none
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
"He's not sleeping with you cause you're fat and ugly, so lose some weight and do your make up like this." - Women's magazines, summarized.
What is the coldest dish at a Mexican restaurant? a b-r-r-r-r-ito
To make a joke about something sad and not be offensive, use the frown winky face. i.e. Your cat got hit by a car and it's dead. I guess he didn't have 9 lives after all. Haha ;(
what prompts moving a hookup from a phone number to a saved contact? asking for a friend 🧐
How did Jesus get so ripped? He does crossfit.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes? A: She couldn't find the recipe.
Trolling in the gay community is becoming a sub culture. This is unhealthy and speaks volumes of the characters behind those trolls and their maturity to handle dissent. We're not here to compete against eachother. We are here to support eachother. This toxicity must end!
I asked my friend if he knows any ways for me to get rid of my blackheads. He said the best solution is Apartheid.
Don't give advice hoping to receive praise, give advice sincerely praying that person will change
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter... So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
Sometimes I see an exchange on twitter that is so vicious I need to log off for a few days
The world is already tough for most of us gay people. Why complicate things by inviting insecurity, attitude and disrespect to your relationships?
What is a goat herder known as in the Middle East? A Pimp
I have received 88 text messages in the last hour....
When my son was younger, my wife made sure to enroll him into lots of different musical-theatre, singing, and ballet classes. I felt very strongly against all this, but ultimately all these lessons made my son into what he became today... A massive fucking faggot.
I can't stand abortions. I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.
My girlfriend is adorable, smart, sexy, and looking over my shoulder as I type.
omg Lover is out in like 2 weeks... HELLO new soundtrack for all of our hookups! 💗🦋🤤
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says: 'Uno, dos...' Poof.... He disappeared without a 'tres.'
My nickname at work is Mr. Compromise. It wasn't my first choice but I'm ok with it.
My friend showed me a black computer he wanted to buy... I said "Dont you mean an African American computer?" and he replied "Stop being so PC"
Kiss her in front of other girls that way she knows she's not a secret.
Some say the boyfriend always needs to hold the girl. Some boyfriends want the girl to hold them so they feel assured.
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift.
You never truly know someone until you've seen them angry
You carried all your groceries inside in one trip? Big deal. I got all mine inside in no trips by crashing my car into the house.
People say I'm an 'out of touch' celebrity but my butler puts on my pants one leg at a time just like everyone else.
You never hear parents say they regret having kids, but you also never see them smile, laugh, or be happy either.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it's in a Facebook video filmed inside their car.
Women always think he will change... And men always think she will never leave... Both are rarely true...
What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy
What do cats love to read. catalogs
If you need your iPhone repaired in Jerusalem, you obviously go to the Genius Bar. There, they don't serve alcohol..., ....but there's plenty of Apple Jews.
1/4 Am I the only tweet iatric ian that refers to the infants I saw in my FIRST year of practice as 'my babies?' My babies are turning 14 this year and it seems like yesterday I was cuddling them as newborns ˜©. I still walk into the room expecting that squishy little face.
Im interested in exploring polyamory, do you have any resources on where I can start? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Tigers are carnivores, but they will eat fruits and grass if they need help with digestion.
I drink water throughout the day to stay hydrated and also just in case someone says something shocking so I can spit it out.
Finishing up my new video 'Mexican parents watch MEXvsGER' .... after I get these subtitles done for my pochito supporters I will upload !!! ˜˜
I didn't even know Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes were together.
"It's all anyone wants; Clean slate, a new beginning, like that's gonna be any easier. Nothing's easy about starting over. Nothing at all."
My kids will be friends with people of all colors of the rainbow. That means no black people. 
Merry Christmas everyone !!!
To all parents - I know you're doing the best you can. This time SUCKS, the decisions you're making are HARD, and many of you are hanging on by a thread. To whoever needs to hear this: You're a good parent. You're doing what is best for YOUR family. Give yourself some grace.
Therapist: Tell me about how you're feeling emotionally Me: Let me describe it the best way I know how... (pulls out phone and shows therapist a variety of gifs) Therapist: Interesting (starts writing on clipboard)
For me, home ownership largely consists of me identifying beeping sounds around the house and not knowing how to turn them off.
I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows too high She looked surprised.
Do you prefer someone who is more passive or fights your opinions?
How does a black woman fight crime? By having an abortion
Let's not mock or scorn a brother for expressing how much he loves his guy. Trust me, there's something about a guy that makes us fall so deep...his manly smell, that distinct fresh breath...that smile or even wink. Love is distinct to us...let's respect this fact.
I know they live in different comic book universes, but I'd love to see a fight between Batman and my neighbor with the loud stereo.
What would you like to see from Black Girls Smile? What issues do you feel need to be addressed when it comes to mental health? Let us know!
In 2015, a neuroscientist determined that Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" was the number one most feel-good song of all time.
I tried to order a Vietnamese sandwich at a restaurant today while I was walking around topless... The staff refused to serve me, and threatened to bahn mi if I came in without a shirt again.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Strong and black
The taller you are, the more money you're likely to make, according to research published in the Journal of Human Capital. An extra inch was associated with an estimated $800 in increased annual earnings, plateauing around 6'0".
What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers? Is *anything* okay?!
When dentists have a tv on the ceiling you can watch while they work on you, you forget about your fear of having your teeth drilled and focus on the fear of having a TV fall on your head.
Why was the broom late for the meeting? It overswept.
Gratitude is a lifestyle
Every morning at breakfast, I tell my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't. It's my longest running joke of the year.
I had a really long conversation with a feminist vegan key worker last night. Well, I listened.
"Can everyone just accept the fact that there are some things that I like to keep to myself and I don't discuss everything to death?"
You're amazing Megan Rapinoe!!!!!!
I really appreciate the sentiment but. . did black drag drag queens invent camp? Did we? We have contributed A LOT to queer culture and the queer lexicon. Black drag queens are essentially responsible for the modern day queer rights movement, but. . camp?
LEXIE: "How the hell did you get me in this position twice?! Unbelievable. You are unbelievable."
You may get to decide what time your kids go to bed, but they get to decide what time you wake up, so who really holds all the cards in this relationship
I forgot about my anniversary. When I saw the look on my wife's face, the first thing I did was call the florist and order flowers. Not for her, for my gravestone.
I was wondering what my parents did without the internet. None of my 13 siblings could tell me
...There's more I have to say. So much more. But... I've disappeared.
A lie was created to exploit Africa and African people - Dr. Grills Black Minds Matter
me: hi can I get the price on this target cashier: [rips fire extinguisher from my hands] walmart said you'd be coming
What do you call a genetically engineered cow? A mootant.
"I'm arresting you for carrying a knife" said the Police officer. 'Is it 'cos I is black?" I replied "No" replied the Policeman "what makes you think that?" "Cos I'm in ma own kitchen and I've just taken it out of the dishwasher"
In the 1890s, Sears sold cocaine, heroin, and opium through its stores and catalogs.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine? A quarterback.
Rose hip oil has miraculous effect on scars caused by acne, surgery, burns, chicken pox, injuries and cuts acne scars pigmentation
Open concept homes are popular with married couples because they allow things to be yelled from the across the house without walls getting in the way.
An american was sat in the doctors waiting room. After an hour, the doctor came out, looked at him and said "sorry about the wait". "It's ok" said the American "I'm in no rush". The doctor replied "That's not what I meant you fat bastard".
Drink plenty of water. The most common cause of kidney stones is not drinking enough fluids, especially water. kidney water
What did the Hobbit say to the Japanese man as he was leaving? Shirenara!
Getting a girlfriend is a lot like getting a car The more money you have, the more options you have.
A photon walks into a hotel The bell boy walks up and asks, "Do you have any luggage?". "No," says the photon, "I'm traveling light."
In 1990, Mr. Rogers sued the Ku Klux Klan for pretending to be him.
Thank you Comic Con 2015 always a joy and always inspirational. Till next year. Nerdsrule
I sent a tin of macaroni to Ethiopia and I've just received a letter back saying thanks for the leg warmers...
It's our wedding anniversary today. My wife and I have been happily married for two years now. 1995 and 2009.
I'm guessing there will soon be entire generations that assume apples the fruit were named after Apples the computers.
Sometimes a smile can really brighten someone's day, but it'll probably creep them out if they're standing at the urinal next to you.
Social rejection can increase levels of creativity in people with a strong sense of independence, according to a study from Johns Hopkins University. "For people who already feel separate from the crowd, social rejection can be a form of validation..."
Flowering plants first appeared about 130 million years ago, while the earliest known mammals appeared about 210 million years ago. If all the Earth's history were condensed into an hour, flowering plants would appear for just the last 90 seconds.
When you start getting old, it's not like you feel old. You don't. You just start thinking young people are stupid. That's how you know you're old.
Most of these tech companies fall prey to the algorithm. They spend so much time mapping human behavior that they forget how to make their platforms ACTUALLY human. I think the algorithm may be coaxing them into an AI apocalypse.
"Sometimes you try your hardest, but things don't work out the way you want them to." - Lilo and Stitch
hello it is my officially September and this month I will continue a nearly 30 year tradition of pretending I don't care about my birthday while always bringing any topic back to my birthday.
Why do blacks keep on getting stronger? TVs are getting heavier.
If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate. And I'll name the other DupliKate.
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room. But she still won't admit she framed me.
Tuna helps decrease dry eye syndrome & reduce risk of age-related eye diseases. it helps reduce symptoms of depression & ADHD tuna health
Why don't you ever see hippos in trees? Because they're really good at hiding
"Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean i'm lost" - Coldplay.
All I feel in my stomach is butterflies, the beautiful kind, making up for lost time, taking flight." - Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran.
For about a billion years, the only life on Earth was a dense layer of slime. Scientists call it the "Boring Billion."
Why is the forest so noisy? The trees bark.
How do you keep your mental health balanced during the holidays? Tweet us! black girls smile
What do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa? Outtagascar corny
"Finding our way back can be difficult. There's no compass, no map. We just have to close our eyes, take a step and hope to God we get there."
Harbinger zip codes' are neighborhoods that regularly buy products that get discontinued, purchase real-estate that underperforms, and donate to political candidates who lose. If consumers in these areas like something, it will probably fail.
Chromatica is one of my favorite albums of all time 😊
I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him 'no but I have a couple albums by Sting.'
One of the ants on my ant farm dresses up as a clown to cheer up his friends. He's an anti-depress ant.
Kids are like farts. You can just about cope with your own, but anyone else's are unbearable.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary. Well the jokes on them , they're imaginary too.
When I'm on the freeway I can't help but honk at the a-holes who don't like my violent, unpredictable driving.
"You don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you." - Coldplay.
"Hakuna Matata. These two words will solve all your problems." - The Lion King
'And whenever you give your word, say the truth ' [6:152]
A man named Jason Padgett once sustained a brain injury that changed him from a guy who thought 'math is stupid' to a mathematical savant. He developed a form of synaesthesia where certain things trigger visions of mathematical formulas.
50% of Japanese doctors have Cataracts. The other 50% drive Rincolns.
Have you seen Mount Rushmore before it was carved? It was unprecedented.
Success isn't overnight. It's when everyday you get a little better than the day before. It all adds up.
The best part of twitter is they put your tweets next to the other tweets. Like someone could write the most profound and important paragraph in the history of humanity and right below it is me saying 'If Frankenstein had a beard he'd be a snack'
Why do all Asians think they're a celebrity in Rome? Every time someone says "ciao" they think they're taking about them
What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa? Some people actually believe santa exist.
So I caught up with my mexican friend ..He told me that his wife give birth to their first son, just the other day. I said "Jesus really?!" He replied with "Nah, his name's Jose."
Knock knock. Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? Wow, I didn't know you could yodel!
What am I? What has six tits and three teeth? The night shift at the Waffle House.
How many black people does it to pave a driveway? One. You just have to spread him real thin.
If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Asked my friend what he'd do if the 1st Amendment was abolished. He couldn't say
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket? Officer: It was a moving violation
Me: "When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me." Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way."
Dora the Explorer has got a little Muslim friend called Doda. The Exploder.
Cats spend up to 70% of their entire lives just sleeping. International Cat Day
What do you call a Jewish Pokemon Trainer? Ash.
Shooting deaths in America: If the shooter is Muslim, it's "keep the fuckers out of the country" If the shooter is Mexican, it's "build a fucking wall" If the shooter is black, it's "we need more fucking cops" If the shooter is white, it's "thoughts and prayers"
Where do beekeepers stay on vacation? Air bee and bee.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape. Breathe idiot, breathe.
Why does Skeleton Soup taste so poor? It lacks body
I 'm so happy actual students were included in this episode. It 's really important to hear from the kids themselves about how they are struggling. We can 't just pretend that young people don 't have actual concerns. Ask and then LISTEN! problem areas afropunk solution sessions
Gm to everyone except those that still believe there are only two genders. Say it back
going to the mosque tomorrow for the first time in forever Eid Mubarak everyone
There are times in our lives when love really does conquer all: exhaustion, sleep deprivation, anything.
One word texts means that something is wrong
The versatile gay actor wanted to be cast in both "A Christmas Carol" and "A Midsummer Nights Dream" So he could be both a Bottom and a Topper.
Thai is a tonal language with 5 unique tones. When spoken with the proper inflections, the phrase "Mai mai mai mai mai" roughly translates to "New wood doesn't burn, does it?"
Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be a parent. I mean, I'm a good person. How did this happen?
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
Some men will never realize what a great woman they have until she's gone...
Black men and women create less generational wealth over their lifetimes because they are set back from THE BEGINNING. What are you going to do with that responsibility????
Yo mama's so mean... She's got no standard deviation!
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Gays in the military "If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon"
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!! I'm the spokesperson.
Breaking News: "Masturbation helps prevent the common cold." I bloody hope so, I've got no tissues left!
chickpeas are beneficial for correcting dyslipidaemia and preventing diabetes health food diabetes
I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered: "They're right behind you."
For those of you who are unsure about gay marriage, it's like normal marriage but with blowjobs, handjobs, anal and zero arguments about who left the toilet seat up.
Q. who was the Jewish prophet that led the water molecules across the partially permeable membrane? A. osmoses
If you don't want to treat your girl right, I'm sure someone else would love to step up for the chance.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson just found out 2 of his kids are gay... ...I guess you can say they are fruity pebbles.
you guys are awesome. frantically writing down your requests....i've got some homework to do!
Be so amazing that nobody will even believe your haters
Damn girl, are you a piñata? Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.
Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it. But every now and then look around. Drink it in cause this is it, it might all be gone tomorrow.
When I die I'm going to donate my body to science. That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.
I almost always wear black. Not because I'm depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I'm single and don't want to separate laundry.
My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over So I packed her shit and left.
There are so many potential topics so we want to know what you would like from BMHN.... medication mgmt? Autism? ADHD? Dealing with Death?
"Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know.."
I've spent the past week learning escapology... I need to get out more...
Your momma's so fat... ...that when I asked her what her what her favorite time of the year was, she said, "dinner time."
What did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs? "Eiffel." corny
"You who pretend to be my friends call me pathetic! Behind my back, right in front of my face."
[Frugal] I ran behind a bus all the way home and save $2.25. Got home and girlfriend mocked me saying had I run behind a cab, I would have saved $15.
What's Forrest Gump's Twitter password? 1Forrest1
Effective courage requires strong, stable mental and emotional health. And getting strong mentally and emotionally requires courage.
My girlfriend was furious when I told her I put ginger in our curry. She loved that cat.
"Tea's antioxidants protect your body from the ravages of aging and the effects of pollution"
"Every time I look at u I feel better. It shocks me. It knocks my wind out but it's true. I'm happy just looking at u from across the room."
Apparently, women in muslim countries can't drive. They can't do it here either.
"I can't get mad, I can't be happy, I can't feel anything without the whole world knowing about it. I can't have a secret."
I'm pretty sure the audience appreciated my standing up repeatedly and saying, 'Actually, it's PANTHER OF COLOR.'
"You put your hand on my chest, and kissed me. Soft. It was quick, kinda like a habit. Like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives."
Behavioral health equity includes all people, regardless of their income, being able to get treatment for Mental Health issues. MMH Mchat
The best part of forgetting to lock the door in a public restroom is all the free apologies you get when people walk in on you.
"Even when our hopes give way to reality and we finally surrender to the truth, it just means we lost today's battle, not tomorrow's war."
[lost in Spain] Wife: ask that man where we are Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias Wife: well? Me: we are in Spain
Marijuana advocates say smoking pot won't kill you, yet the Bible mentions numerous people who died from getting stoned.
"Broke, depressed, and emotionally vacant." - Macklemore.
I don't know much about killing black people. So I took a stab in the dark.
Met gayla.
33 Be romantic, passionate, sweet, loving, and caring. Don't try to act tough all day.
Walking into a fro-yo shop is probably what it's like walking into a Japanese girl's purse.
interviewer: it says here you suffer from short term memory loss me: that's news to me
New Years Resolutions last week: Drink less, Get fit, Spend more time with my kids. New Years Resolutions this week: Spend less time drinking around my fit kids.
Anyone care to watch an all new episode of Supernatura I with me? Starts in 10min. SPN Family
Salmon, burgers with indian spices, grilled carrots with harissa yogurt drizzle, peach and tomato caprese salad, and some grilled corn with lime and salt
Skill is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Arrogance is self-given. Be careful.
If the Lakers win the title this year it will objectively be the greatest moment in sports history.
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending"
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world genie: ok [snaps fingers] me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed genie: i tried but you're just so ugly
How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black? Have you ever tried to take a rib from a nigger?
Deep Breathing gives you health benefits similar to aerobics aerobics
A man once found a copy of the Declaration of Independence in an old picture frame he bought for $4 at a yard sale. It turned out to be one of the originals drafts from 1776. It later sold for $2.42 million, then sold again for $8.14 million.
A lot of people don't realize the months are named after Roman emperors. Like June, that's named after Junelius Caesar.
Therapist: I went to school for years and paid thousands of dollars to help people cope with their problems Therapy dog: *licks itself
So Far SPN Family... What do you think?
What was Spiderman's major in college? Web Design corny
I just read a book on marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So after dinner tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents' house.
Guy at restaurant asks how much coffee was. Waitress says $1. Then he asks what a refill costs and she says it's free, so he asks for a refill
Don't blame Christmas. You were fucking fat in August.
Be the Muslim you want to see in this world
I just found out about non-alcoholic coffee.
To give you an idea of just how unattractive I was as a child, when I stayed at Michael Jackson's Neverland, I had my own room.
Sorry I'm late, my alarm didn't go off because I didn't set it because I don't like coming here.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands. They don't give a fork.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death "Jokes on you" I said "if I die in battle I'll go straight to Valhalla"
Personally, I don't agree with cannabis being legalised in America. The last thing those fat fuckers need is the munchies.
What type of cake makes you no longer have sex? Wedding cake.
Opportunity is often missed by people because it smells like sweat and looks like hard work.
What did the Physics professor say to the fat kid in school? "You've got a lot of potential!"
Why should you bury indians 10 feet deep? Because deep down they're good people
"We don't have to do that thing, where you know, I say something, then you say something, and somebody cries, and there's like a moment..."
pros of android -sometimes you have a stylus -that's it -rent is coming up and you just ate a hot pocket with an ice cream scoop -do your dishes -you have to work in 3 hours pros of iphone -you have 1,000 fewer dollars -animated emojis are fun -how is the battery dead again
And then one day you realize you're older and fatter than old fat Elvis.
Ridicule is the first and last argument of fools
In 1880, the Queen of Thailand drowned while her subjects watched because they were forbidden to touch her.
Calcium-deficient people look pale and listless, get tired, lazy, nervous and suffer from mental derangements health calcium
I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
when she gets upset hold her close no matter how much she tries to pull away
What was the jew doing in the ashtray? Family research.
Did anyone see blackish ABC Sink or Swim? Talked about Blacks ability to swim. Wanted to hear your opinion
On Oct. 25, 1962, a bear trespassing on a Minnesota military base almost started a nuclear war by tripping the alarm for an "imminent attack."
What do you call an Asian guy who is a member of ISIS? RICE-IS
How can you tell if a black guy is well hung? You can't fit your finger between the noose and his neck.
The greatest gifts are the ones that remind her of you everyday.
Pray for the best and pray in case of the worst.
Queen Elizabeth II is the only person in Britain who can drive without a license because licenses are issued in the queen's name. She doesn't need to give herself one.
You tube is working -- Vimeo is still loading
Not to brag, but sometimes my wife telling me about her day takes longer than the day she's telling me about.
I'm excited for today's L.A. Marathon, where people try to drive 26.2 miles in under four hours.
DYK: 70%-90% of people w mental health challenges who get treatment/support recover Text Talk Act
The best things in life are not necessarily things
If I could only pick one desert island record, I'd choose whichever album is most canoe-shaped.
You think millennials are messed up? Wait to see how the next generation turns out after they realize they've been peddled online by their parents for likes and views their entire childhood.
all girls want to be taken on a thought out date. a trip to the movies and some mcdonalds gets old
GOD: Make humans super super awake when it's time to go to bed, and super super tired when it's time to wake up. GOD'S ASSISTANT: Did you... Did you mean that the other way around? GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.
Reading has been proven to reduce stress, increase empathy, and boost creativity.
Reverse 180 what?!!! Yeah...that happened!!! Supernatura I
A man has been shot with a starting pistol. The police are pretty sure it's race related.
Mohammed spent a lot of time up mountains, slaying goats and raping children, Jesus spent a lot of time around the docks and managed to feed the 5000 on fish. And that, people, is the difference between gross prophet and net prophet.
What does a woman get every month that lasts 3-5 days? Her husband's salary.
"Cucumber is best natural diuretic known, secreting and promoting the flow of urine" health
My targeted ads keep trying to sell me a new mattress. Come on, Google. Stop pretending like you don't know exactly how much I have in the bank right now. Send me an ad for $5 footlongs or bulk rice or something.
Give your cats human names to make yourself sound like less of a loser. Coworker: What did you do last night? Me: Cuddled on the couch with Carol and Susan Coworker: 2 ladies? Atta boy! Me: Susan is a guy and Carol barfed on the blanket. Classic Carol Coworker:...?
Baby starts in 5 min. Let's ride!!! SPN Fami Iy
"The only way to get rid of a shadow is to turn off the lights. To stop running from the darkness and face what you fear, head on."
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl I wanted my first night to be special.
People always ask 'how do you cope with erectile dysfunction'? Honestly, it's not that hard
You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.
What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin!
A lightning bolt is about five times hotter than the surface of the sun.
"I've just met you and I love you." - Up
Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon. After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.
SPACEBAR: Show off. TAB: What did you just say to me? CAPS LOCK: CHILL, DUDE, HE'S NOT WORTH IT
Should have just said, 'Who wants a cocktail?' instead of 'Who will join me in briefly drowning out the shriek of The Abyss?'
The amount of Nutella produced every year weighs as much as the Empire State Building. That much chocolate could circle the world 1.8 times.
Thanks 2 JIB 6 4 an amazing weekend. I'm always floored by the support. And 2 my friends who joined us at jailbreak 4 a little fun. Cheers
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can always unscrew a light bulb.
Apparently gluten allergies don't exist during food shortages....
Optimistic people tend to live longer, according to a study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom.
anyone else in the mood to get rained on?
How do Jewish mothers prevent wrinkles? Oil of Oy Vey.
13 Always have time for your girl. If you dont have time, make time. boyfriend tips
I can't stop thinking about Vanessa. Those kids. That baby. God protect and lift them up.
When my wife always asks me if she looks frumpy, I can honestly tell her no, because I have no idea what frumpy means.
Musicologists now believe Beethoven wasn't really deaf, he just pretended to be to avoid hearing Schubert's boring stories about his fraternity pranks.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad"
Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs? He did CrossFit.
We lie to ourselves so much that the lies seem like the truth. We deny so much that we cant recognize the truth right in front of our faces.
"It's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do. Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you." - Bruno Mars.
A black guy goes up to his friend and says "I'm confused, this guy keeps calling me a ginger". His friend goes "he's just dyslexic".
So we are seeing lots of tweets mentioning that mental illness is negatively viewed in the Black community which impairs people seeking help
My wife and I aren't exchanging gifts on Valentine's Day, which means she's not getting me anything and I'm getting her something because I'm afraid of her.
Philophobia is the fear of falling in love.
"I will give you all my heart so we can start it all over again" - One Direction
Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn't last as long for fat people.
Why do Catholics eat fish on Good Friday? Because Jesus died for our fins.
When severly depressed patients were treated with psilocybin, the psychoactive chemical found in magic mushrooms, all experienced some level of emotional improvement. Two-thirds were in remission after one week, and 42% of those patients were depression-free after three months.
*wife wonders where I am in the store* *hears glass shatter* *knows where I am*
The directors, creators, and writers for Parks and Rec, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Modern Family, Silicon Valley, American Dad, and Rick and Morty all got their big breaks on 'King of the Hill.'
I'm sorry if I say, I need you. But I don't care, I'm not scared of love, 'cause when I'm not with you, I'm weaker." - Strong.
If you love me, why'd you let me go?' - Coldplay.
Instead of sweat pants, I call them jogging pants because it makes me sound athletic instead of lazy.
I told myself I should stop drinking, but I'm not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
I faked an orgasm so she wouldn't feel bad. The female doctor doing my prostate examination was not impressed.
When they said, "we're all in this together" they were actually talking about a big internet argument.
2. Where do you see your life in the next 10-15 years Auntie Red Tweet Tea
The one who does not fear hypocrisy is a hypocrite.' - Al-Hasan al-Basree
SuperMan, A Nice American and A fat American were having a race, who won ? the fat American, because the other 2 are fictional characters
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
People who generally suppress their anger are more likely to become violent when drunk.
If she's a good woman treat her like a Queen.
You're lucky we're not having this argument in my head 11 hours from now because you would lose
According to research published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, people who believe their opinions are superior to others are more likely to overestimate their knowledge, depriving themselves of learning opportunities.
Lloyd, Morgan, and Naeher? Good. O'Hara? O'Reilly? Press? Ok, I see you...
What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches? On one hand, you have a watch, but on the other hand, you have a watch.
*sees my child reading a book Me: It's cute how kids need pictures in the books they read *opens phone *looks at memes
Ramadan starts this week. A reminder that many healthcare and essential workers are not only going to be spending the holy month taking care of us, but they will be abstaining from food and water from sunrise to sunset while doing it.
It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel lonely. It's okay to be down. It's okay. You'll get through this. I know you will.
Did you know Hitler's father was a cobbler? He made Jews.
Three blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have saw it.
A suicide bomber says to his apprentice: "Watch carefully I can only do this once!"
But Martin Luther faced the dogs, the police, jail, heavy criticism, and finally death; and he never carried a gun, not even a knife to defend himself. He had only his faith in a just God to rely on; and the belief that 'thrice is he armed who has his quarrels just.'
Q10: What do you wish you knew ahead of time that would of helped you mentally? BGS Back 2 College
Albert Einstein was one of the 5,000 people who signed a petition to reverse Germany's ban on homosexuality.
Indians are better with computers because they are the 1's who invented 0's
I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you." I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right
I was walking by a car filled with black people. They locked the door when i came near. I felt like a bad ass until I realized it was my car
Wife: that's never going to work Husband: you're so negative, Sandra W: you're planting bird seeds H: LET ME GROW MY BIRDS, WOMAN
Some racists say black people are just white people that were left in the oven too long... If that's true, then all black people would be jewish.
I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere. Did I have a smug look on my face when I handed him his big mac and fries at the drive through.
When my wife is mad at me for something stupid I did in one of her dreams, I always ask her how she responded to in the dream to seem like I'm interested and to find out if it's something I could get away with it in real life.
What trip down memory lane! Or nightmare lane. Either way it's got me fired up for season 10 premier tomorrow! Let's get it on! SPN 10
I've just written a book about falling down a staircase. It's a step by step guide.
Conversations about mental health in schools need to be happening under circumstances beyond when there are school shootings! problem areas afropunk solution sessions
Why did the bachelors purchase double amputee strippers for their party? Because they were 50% off!
As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.
How is a toddler like a cell phone? If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.
Prayers for the families of those killed, the injured and all who experienced the shooting in Vegas last night. So sad.
For National Refreshment Day, what is your favorite Israeli / Jewish drink?
What is the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven
The best part about being a vampire would be not being able to see yourself in the mirror when you're naked
Are you a successful black gay couple? Retweet and comment to share one word that makes your love life strong.
I'm in love with you, and all of your little things.' - Little Things.
"Chicken liver supplies the body w/ over 3 times the daily needed value of vitamin B12, an essential nutrient to help prevent anemia"anemia
I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious. She asked me to move out with her.
I usually don't tell people I'm a model because then I have to explain that sometimes heartburn medications need models.
Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers.
Nathan "Nearest" Green, a man born into slavery and emancipated after the Civil War, taught distillation techniques to Jack Daniel, the founder of Jack Daniel's Tennessee whiskey. Green was hired as the company's first master distiller upon its creation.
The simple things are also the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them.
Sometimes it's better to keep silent and let people think you're ignorant, than to open your mouth and release all doubts
the scent of rosemary makes people feel more alert, according to some studies #
Lifehack: Get a tattoo of your face on the top of your head so there's never a need to look up from your phone.
Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing whether or not to say it.
Captain Marvel/Mar-Vell was super meh. Pero like, Goose the cat was super cute tho! Can't wait for his solo movie
Alabama changed the legal drinking age to 33. They're trying to keep it out of high schools.
Prince Harry of Wales secretly served in Afghanistan for ten weeks from 2007 to 2008. Being a high-value target, he and soldiers around him would be in danger if knowledge of his service were public. He was pulled from the country after media began reporting on his presence.
It's easier to give advice than it is to practice it
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night, set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
My girlfriend left me because she said I'm a "Clueless idiot." I didn't even know I had a girlfriend.
My girlfriend's such a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
How are you centering joy in your life these days? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding. I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.
What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill? One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.
Sometimes it takes a huge loss to remind you what you care about the most.
A Roman Emperor orders his guards to arrest his wife. He orders them to Ceas'er.
This morning I thought I was filled with a childlike sense of wonder, but it was just a norovirus.
Brooklyn, what are your favorite black-owned bakeries?
swim meet saturdays Morning swim parents! Send us selfies or pics of you supporting your swimmers and win a prize from BKS
Success is 50% inspiration, 50% perspiration, and 50% THE SECRET PERCENTAGE INCREASER MACHINE.
Tweet Activity: 480 impressions Total engagements: 159 Likes: 3 People Annoyed: 153 Wife Embarrassed: 1 Parents Disappointed: 2
Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
[first date] Her: I like sensitive men Me: (trying to impress) That offends me
The bowl names are getting more corporate and obscure, I thought to myself, while watching the Aveeno Therapeutic Shave Gel Bowl.
That awkward moment when the nurse is examining your balls and she asks you to stop running your fingers through her hair.
What do gay people call each other on? Homophones!
"How can you be a surgeon and have so little respect for life?"
Statistics show the root is not Blk yth engaging in more illegal activities - Prof. Waldman chp m summit
Check on your tribe. Speak love over your people. Forgive. Celebrate each other. Check on your people's health - mental and physical. With sincerity and genuine concern, ask them how they are feeling and if you can support them in their healing journey. Wakanda Forever
My wife wanted to brighten up the garden. So I planted some bulbs.
Why is there no black character in the game "Clue"? Because then it would be called "Solved." sorry
The way you cut vegetables can change the way they taste. When vegetables are crushed or cut open, the broken cells release enzymes that start a chemical reaction. The finer a vegetable is sliced, the more enzymes it releases, resulting in more flavor.
Just read a book about the history of glue. Couldn't put it down.
Good Morning! We have seen lots of commentary about mental health being discussed on Empire FOX this week. MHSM What are your thoughts?
In 2015, a woman from China, who had been missing for ten years and was presumed dead, was discovered to have been living in internet cafes, playing video games.
Had a BLAST at SF Con 2015 this past weekend! Thanks to all who joined. Hope to see some of you at Houston Con 2015 this weekend. SPN Family
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?  Phone her.
Whenever we go out I always buy my wife two drinks. One for each face.
What do you call a deaf lesbian? Earmuff
"You used to have my trust without trust there ain't no us." - Rihanna
therapist: how would you describe your stress friend: ooga chaca ooga ooga ooga chaca ooga ooga me: i can't stop this feelin deep inside of me
What are the best four years of a redneck's life? Sixth grade.
Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are.
Just learned the word for constipation in German. Farfrompoopen.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
What's the strongest color? Super Cyan
My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you fucking pay for this!" For the life of me, I couldn't think of what I had done wrong. Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn...
I fucking hate Fat Kids. They always win at seesaw.
How does Hitler tie his shoes? In little Nazis.
Why don't little girls fart? Because they don't get an asshole until they get married.
I washed the car with my 5 year old son today. When we finished, he said, "Next time dad, can you use a sponge?"
How much money do hookers with shallow vaginas make? Just the tips.
"Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it"
Sturgill Simpson you have helped me regain some faith in modern music. Thank you.
"Quality dark chocolate contains flavonoids which help reduced the risk of heart disease"
I was helping my dad with construction he told me to get the hammer but I accidentally gave him the drill. He said I could have nailed it but I screwed up.
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a priest, a rabbi and Adolf Hitler walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
79% of accidents happen at home. Finally, good news for the homeless.
A Jewish lawyer lost his job He celebrated the occasion with a disbar-mitzvah
My kid wanted to get a pet spider from the pet store, but they are really expensive. I can get a really cheap one off the web.
Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try. My fucking goldfish died.
Praying for Houston and all of our Texas friends! Flooding can be so devastating. Prayers for safety for all!!
2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people 1. They would spend it on alcohol. 2. I want to spend it on alcohol.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
What the LGBT community needs is an awakening of the fact that your pursuit of happiness and freedom are not conditioned on a Court ruling but the strength to be who you wonna be no matter the cost.
In 1977, the NYPD believed that the serial killer 'Son of Sam' could be a freelance writer because he used semicolons correctly in his messages.
Did you hear about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes? They performed unspeakable acts on her.
So I have Appendicitis. Surgery in a few hours. I'll try to keep you guys updated. Thanks for the well wishes. Loooove youuu
The best leaders do not seek leadership
When you become a vampire you gain immortality, but it hardly seems worth if you have to live forever without garlic bread.
[OC] What does a blind pessimist say? "What glass?"
If yodas were real we'd have bred teacup yodas by now. "Get those yodas as small as possible," is what we'd say.
I got into a fight with my erection this morning. I beat it single handedly.
When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body. Then I was born
People tell you to "fight like a man" but nobody ever expects me to do the splits and punch them in the crotch so I'm gonna keep doing that.
"Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through." - Cinderella
What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some lube
Today I bought the new 'Divorced Barbie' for my daughter. It came with all of Ken's accessories.
If there's one thing we've learned from stripper cops, it's that the police could make way more money getting naked than handing out tickets.
Daydreaming is good for the brain and can help increase creativity and problem-solving skills.
I should clean mirrors for a living. It's a profession I see myself in.
What do you call a closet full of lesbians? A liquor cabinet.
"Get out get out get out of my head, and fall into my arms instead" - One Thing.
What game show do pickles play? Dill or No Dill
The first table read of season 10 is today! YAY!
Not a single person asked me how fast I can run in my new trainers today. Being an adult is so fucking stupid.
"I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet." - Ed Sheeran.
How many people with dementia does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.
It's Day 4 of Kwanzaa, Ujaama! Ujaama means Cooperative Economics! The way The Okra Project does cooperative economics is through mutual aid. Resources and funds are sources from the community and go directly to Black Trans folx in need.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly* Me: Why is she so loud? Wife: That's how she talks. Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
People may take you for granted because they assume you'll always be there, but sometimes you have to prove them wrong
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell "leopard" and "deaf" correctly. You're going to want to resist that.  Best band manager ever.
Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller
I was walking down the street one day when I heard someone playing Dancing Queen and Mamma Mia on the didgeridoo. That's Abba-rigonal
The most disappointing part of my trip to the USA was finding out Waffle Houses aren't even made of real waffles.
Thoughts and prayers Orlando.
You know you're stoned when you try to put a poppadom in the DVD player. You know you're really stoned when a Bollywood movie starts playing.
How do you keep a homosexual in suspense... ...ill tell you later.
"Put your past behind you andstart over. It's hard to resist the chance of a new beginning, a chance to put the problems of last year to bed."
What do you get when you mix a rhinoceros with an elephant? Elephino...
I remember this one time I accidentally called my teacher 'mommy'. It was really embarrassing because I was an adult taking a cooking class.
Being in love makes you a less productive person, according to researchers from the University of Maryland.
4% of misplaced remote controls were later found in the fridge or freezer, according to a survey by Logitech.
I just had a delightful FaceTime call with my grandma's forehead.
"If you can make it through the first weeks and months, if you believe that healing is possible, then you can get your life back."
There are only so many tomorrows left on your calendar
OB is deeply saddened by the loss of the young lives of Markeice Brown and Mercedes Smith by suicide. Our condolences to their families.
How did the pharaoh get so rich? He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
What are some ways that the community can organize to support aging queer elders? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
The life expectancy for someone with HIV is 70 years... No wonder all Africans want it... it triples their life!
I once won a fight that was five against one. We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes!!! I am overwhelmed with gratitude and feel like a very lucky guy. Much love to all.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
"Every relationship we have is just another version of that first relationship. It's just us trying over and over again to get it right."
According to Nintendo, Wario is not Mario's evil twin. They were actually childhood friends until Wario became jealous of Mario's good looks and advanced plumbing skills.
ME: We could all dunk if we lived on the moon because of the difference in gravity. MY FRIEND WHO NEVER HEARD OF BASKETBALL OR THE MOON BUT IS TRYING TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME BECAUSE HE FEELS GUILTY THAT WE FELL OUT OF TOUCH: Ha ha yeah man. Totally. It's so good to see you.
What's a blind person's favorite fast food joint? Taco Braille
Looks like I'll be in Connecticut next week.... what is there to do out there!!? ¤”
"Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground." - Demi Lovato.
There is no son of Adam dearer to his shaytaan than the one who eats and sleeps a lot. - Wahb ibn Munbih
the nutritional value of Quail eggs is 4 times greater than chicken eggs, they improve brain activity, remove kidney stones & fight diabetes
"How long have you been talking like an old wizard?" "Countless moons"
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
*Losing at Scrabble* ME: You know the original name for this game was Scramble. YOU: Really? Why would they- *I flip the board so high it hits the ceiling fan and the tiles spray across the room*
I never shower before church. I like to sit in my own pew.
I still don't know what nougat is.
I have a phobia of over engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
Why should you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What do you call a marine who can't swim? A submarine. corny
After my recent prostate exam, which, I must say, was the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear. She said... "Who was that guy who just left?"
Whenever our newborn baby has been crying for hours in the middle of the night, and my wife and I feel like we can't go on, we just look at the 307 likes the baby announcement post got on Facebook and it makes it all worth it.
RMSCs 10yr old Elena Harrison headed to the finals with a 1:09.25 in the 100 fly of today's Junior Olympics. bks junior olympics
The barista said she liked my Dia de los Muertos skeleton costume. I'm not wearing a costume.
I have never talked to anyone about possibly attending this event and those people who are organizing it are not being truthful about their contact with me. Please do not be fooled.
As our politic and mission dictates, we will continue to center the marginalized, and the most marginalized among the marginalized. That's how we get free. Health, safety, and community building for Black Trans people remains our 1 priority.
"You're in denial, you're angry, and you use sex as a weapon to deflect it."
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Secretly everyone just wants to be loved by one special person.
Whats the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest actually accomplishes something when triggered.
Me trying to decide if I want to buy a rockstar energy drink or a monster energy drink: 'Do I want to feel energized enough to melt faces or eat them?'
My wife said, "Why are you always pushing me around and talking behind my back?" I said, "well, you are in a wheelchair".
The average person will spend 26 years of their life sleeping and another 11 years watching TV.
A Doctor, Nun, Priest, Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all walk into a bar. The barman takes one look and says: 'What is this, a joke?'
Almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.
I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed. I think they should kill people who are named after him as well.
I hate black girls who work at McDonalds, they take your order with an attitude like you're the reason they've never met their dad.
I was feeling sad when crushing cans of Coke today. It was soda pressing
Before you can get a license to kill, you have to get your learners license, which means you're only allowed to kill people when you're with someone who has a full license.
After a long debate with my wife, I decided that we won't vaccinate our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us.
me: i wish youtube would still play when i switch apps youtube: would you like to pay money for that me: no youtube premium: ok i thought you were gonna say yes
By law, you are allowed to hit your child as long as you don't leave a red mark. Which is why I only hit black kids.
Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.
Is it possible the stock market keeps fluctuating so much because there's a cat sitting on its keyboard?
Girls look back at your wedding photos, if you are fatter than that, he is not happy..
Dehydration occurs when there is a 1% or greater reduction in body weight due to fluid loss water dehydration
What do you call a Mexican wrestler that only fights during his 12:00 break? A lunchador.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths me: i'm really good at making people question their reality interviewer: what does that mean me: [slightly tearing up] you really don't remember the accident do you
This is my favorite time of year: every Sunday, the boys come over, we order hot wings and watch "Love Actually."
2 cats are racing across the English Channel, an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux trois." Which cat won the race? A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.
I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused on my trip to Japan Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Donnie Dunagan, a retired United States Marine Corps drill instructor, became their youngest instructor at the age of 18. He served three tours in Vietnam and was wounded several times. As a child, he voiced "Bambi" and managed to keep it a secret throughout his entire career.
We have teenagers come and volunteer, which is amazing and they are a huge help.' Tomer Golan, Member of the Kissufim Kibbutz Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer? Quacks in the pavement.
If you're swimming for recreational purposes, you don't have to wait 30 minutes after eating before getting into the water. It's a myth with no scientific basis.
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: "Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."
To go out with a girl that you only see for a few minutes at a time, flirt with her and get her to want to come back and stick around longer
Mom: I brought you into this world and I can take you out Me: Who taught you about laws, mom? Granny? Granny: I'm allowed to kill everyone
Where do I find a gingerbread house in LA and have it sent to my house stat?!
Gay or straight, No state should legally recognize a marriage if they don't serve alcohol at the wedding.
Hello Twitter, I'm gay and okay with it. I'm gay and I love myself I'm gay and still a man..
"We'll try again and we'll fail again because that's what progress looks like. Progress looks like a bunch of failures."
"1 way or another, our karma leaves us to face ourselves. We can look karma in the eye or we can wait for it to sneak up on us from behind."
Don't let people discourage you; use fools as fuel to encourage you.
Thanks for all the birthday wishes today, folks. As my Gran would say..."my cup runneth over". Cheers! spnfamily
My personal trainer told me my legs look like twizzlers. I assume by that he meant long and delicious.
If you want to make your husband feel useless, crazy glue a jar shut and then tell him you need him to open it.
Think you don't have a chance with the girl you want? Well maybe you don't. So create a NEW YOU. Then maybe you will.
2/4 This is my favorite part of being a pediatrician - watching my patients grow and change into amazing young adults. What a privilege it is to walk beside parents on this journey. tweet iatric ian
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windshield. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.
Knowing is better than wondering. Waking is better than sleeping. And even the biggest failure, beats the hell out of never trying
Do you have to be from Vietnam to open up a restaurant called "Viet Noms?" I'm asking for a friend
HER: it's so romantic when the power goes out ME: listen if we don't eat all this ground beef we'll have to throw it out
Why does the American border patrol guard take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks.
Did you hear about the watermelon bandit? He was a little seedy.
I was sexually active at 12 It's now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
Since we began, we have deliberately remained outside of the nonprofit sector. We recently began seeking fiscal sponsorship from like-minded organizations that would allow us to apply for grants + make donations to us tax deductible, while allowing us to focus on organizing...
Non-verbal signs are just like regular language. No sign is a full green light that means go. Look for patterns to get the message.
Why can't gay people drive while they're aroused? Because they can't think straight.
.....We reach across the gap and sometimes, against all odds, against all logic, we touch.
me: help i'm being murdered 911: sounds like you're tattling me: what murderer: it does sound like you're tattling
Why wasn't the vampire killed? The vampire hunter made a miss-stake.
"It's not a game anymore and we're not kids. You can cry mercy all you want, but nobody is listening. It's just you, screaming into a void.'
Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, keep your stuffed animals closest.
What do Nazi Germany and vaginas have in common? Their tendency to subjugate poles.
I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf so she would have to speak loudly and slowly. I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.
Less than 2% of NCAA swimmers are African-American...in order to change this, we need to start early by teaching our children not to be afraid of water... ' ~Coach Kennedy Black Kids Swim Blog swimming
The best part about the internet is that you don't even have to leave your house to annoy people and make them hate you.
My wife keeps telling me that I'm the cheapest person she has ever met in her life. I'm not buying it.
Tell me the truth, am I out of touch with the common man?' I ask. 'Maybe a little,' says my butler. I scoff, but my mouth is so full of aged tawny port that I start coughing and almost choke. He pats me on the back a few times. 'Don't touch me without your gloves,' I wheeze.
Scarcity mentality is a mental disorder that causes you to act in ways that sabotage your success with women because you can't see beyond yourself.
In May 1924, Notre Dame students stormed a KKK rally in Indiana. They ripped the robes and hoods off the Klansmen and drove them out of the area.
What's the difference between me and a Jew? I sing in the shower.
this valentines day, remember that mark zuckerberg sees every nude you send through facebook messenger with his empty fish eyes
"My neighbors think I'm crazy but they don't understand you're all I have" - Bruno Mars
Watching Grey's Anatomy teaches me that if I'm really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
On a serious note- all the girls in this episode did a fantastic job. They literally put on an entire stage production. Very impressive.
How bad must the rest of the sperm be if a Down Syndrome wins the race.
"My life is in pieces, all the time. And they just keep breaking, and as soon as I fix one, another one goes down.."
"The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping."
Forget about wanting a girl who likes you for you. She doesn't want you now, she wants you 0. So get to work.
There's a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L's
It is said that the Welsh were the first to use condoms, by making them out of sheep intestines. But the English perfected this technique by removing them from the sheep first.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? Are you having a crisis?
"Someone who's suffered and understands sufferingâ to the point that I don't have to say a word, she just looks at me and sees who I am."
Which southeast Asian drink is more popular, the iced tea or the coffee? Neither. It's a Thai.
The military newspaper "Stars and Stripes" is the only Department of Defense publication that maintains full journalistic freedom. Congress explicitly safeguards the newspaper's First Amendment rights to ensure a lack of censorship.
Why did Hitler suicide? He got the gas bill
...the greatest thing in life is to love and be loved in return..'
Sunflower seeds r anti-aging, rich in Vit E & selenium. Eat a handful a day to stave off wrinkles & improve skin elasticity young health
The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is... ...you know what? Never mind. It's FINE.
Childishness? I think it's the equivalent of never losing your sense of humor. - Walt Disney
I love women who want equality. I especially like the look on their faces when you tell them you're not paying, after you've drunk champagne and eaten the most expensive meal on the menu.
The joy from giving lasts longer than the joy from getting, according to researchers from the University of Chicago.
Vitamin C foods strengthen blood capillaries. That means fewer broken capillaries visible on our face skin health vitamin C
It's sad how we've let a small handful of people who don't care about any of us trick us all into hating each other. Love is always the answer.
Shout-out to our moms that be coming in clutch as grandmas to help us out with the twins. Also┠y'all be driving us crazy!!! Lol Love you
Gently like a lot of women, finding it hard to see and receive love when it shows up Cherish The Day
A cop pulls over a rabbi on Yom Kippur. He says "I pulled you over for speeding". Rabbi goes "I wasn't speeding, I was fasting".
Chipotle went through approximately 90 million pounds of avocados in 2019.
Being nice to someone you dislike doesn't mean you're being fake. It means you're mature enough to tolerate that individual.
PROFESSOR X: what exactly is your mutant power? *I whisper "it's not very good" in his left ear but he hears it in his right ear*
Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife? Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.
In 1987, a man named Mike Hayes persuaded 2.8 million people to send him a penny each for his college education.
The carpool lane is the TSA pre-check of rush hour. Used to be cool tell everybody got someone to ride with.
Regret does nothing but slow you down. Learn and move forward.
Girls aren't attracted to nice guys. This doesn't mean they want you to be a jerk. It means they're not attracted to guys who are on their best behavior because they're trying to get something. So here are the 3 things you need to stop doing if you want to stop being a nice guy.
It's okay not to be okay. Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart. Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising.' - Jessie J.
What do happy gay couples do everyday? ¤”. Let's share our experiences
An estimated 1 million dogs in America are the primary beneficiaries in their owner's wills.
Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will make you the happiest.
I caught my son chewing electrical cords So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
Does anyone else think Oreo's resemble life. 2 blacks gang-banging a defenseless white girl.
Is there a Bring Back My Girls instrumental anywhere. I can't find one. maybe a fan made one?
Black men, youth, single moms, college women, confidentiality, black stress, suicide, mental health primer...we tackle the tough topics!
When I eat raisins, I feel like I'm chomping up some grape's grandmother.
When Wyoming applied to become part of the US union, Congress said they couldn't let women vote. They said, "We will remain out of the Union 100 years rather than come in without the women." They joined as the first and only state in which women were allowed to vote in 1890.
The hot blonde walked up to the bartender and asked for a double entendre... The bartender gave it to her.
Breaking News: In the Atlantic Ocean a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint It's believed both crews have been marooned.
Wal-Mart has stopped selling guns and e-cigarettes in its quest to make sure everyone dies of diabetes.
"I have loved you since we were 18.' - One Direction.
Theresa Banks Swim Club 11-12 girls 200 medley relay broke ANOTHER meet record with 2:02:50 meet mobile is wrong. black kids swim NBHCSM 14
The theory that opposites attract is a myth. Scientists have found that people do not form friendships or relationships with people who don't hold the same values, views, and prejudices.
Learn to give a damn about the right things. Giving a damn about things you can't change is a waste of energy.
Mr. Rogers responded to every fan letter he received. He would get between 50 and 100 letters each day. It was part of his daily routine, which began at 5 a.m. with a prayer and included time for studying, writing, phone calls, weighing himself, and swimming.
Two close friends annouced their new bfs to me. They wanted to celebrate it so I invited to dinner. Turns out, their bfs were all my exes. We smiled, laughed and had a good time. No jealousy, no feeling bad - just fun. It's called maturity. Exes are just that...exes.
What did the sheep say to the sheepdog faking deafness? "You herd me!"
You know those do not disturb signs for hotel door knobs? I need one of those to wear around my neck.
Me: Hey lady, you can't park there. Her: I'm just running into Starbucks. Me: Oh shit, my bad. Laws don't apply to you then.
A Baptist college is kicking out a student who is transitioning. They're becoming a Methodist.
Wow tough guy, you argued with me on the internet. I dare you to come to my house.... You'll have to deal with my mom.
Kakorrhaphiophobia is the abnormal or irrational fear of failure.
Octopus arm should be called an eightacle. Nobel prize please. Literature or science.
When the Apollo 11 astronauts returned to Earth in 1969, they were quarantined for 21 days to prevent the transmission of any contagions they may have carried back from the Moon.
Heavy metal music attracts sharks. The low, rumbling frequencies of the music mimic the sounds of struggling fish.
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as "The most violent book I have ever read"
My therapist won't validate my parking but he will validate my feelings about it.
Toilet paper is one of the toughest items to buy in the grocery store. It's so hard to decide if you'd rather wipe your butt with a cuddly bear or some soft white kittens.
I fucked an arthritic woman yesterday. What a cracker.
I really enjoyed playing Gearsof War 4 with @WizKhalifa, and not just because of the delicious potato salad we shared
Just a reminder that the trans experience isn’t something for cis actors to play with for artistic satisfaction.
What do you call a bee that never quite made it in the hive? A wanna bee.
Glad for the dramas showcasing black talent and stories but let's engage with comedies like Black-ish too. A good laugh does wonders.
Stop confusing real life and real women with what you see in the movies. Trying harder to get the girl never works and her feelings won't change because of how nice are you.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can't park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
What did Helen Keller scream when she got mugged? Nothing. It was winter and she had mittens on.
How does a mama pig put her piglets to sleep?  She reads them pig tales.
Me: It's very presumptuous of us to call it 'snail mail'... for all we know, snails are really efficient at delivering mail. And if that's the case, we as a society look pretty stupid right now. Wife: Ugh. Remind me to not ask you what you're thinking about when you're quiet.
I don't wanna brag, but there were fireworks in the bedroom last night. I set them off while my wife was sleeping. It was awesome.
Your momma is so stupid that she thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
You think you know things and nothing else matters. People do matter. I matter. We matter. So you don't get to toss me aside. I won't let you.
The secret to a good date is to leave them wanting more... tell them you're going to the restroom but then go home instead.
The Old Testament is the historical record of the first time we Jews controlled the media.
People forget how good it feels when you finally set secrets free. Once they're out in the open, you don't have to hide behind them anymore.
ME: It's amazing the excuses people will come up with to justify their laziness. ALSO ME: If god wanted me to comb my hair he would have made my hand a comb.
Why does Germany have so many different kinds of bread? Well, we had to do something with the ovens.
I just got back from this game that I was playing that sucked me into a world where they cut off my foreskin, made me wear a silly hat and grow ringlets, and I had to avoid the 'showers'. Jewmanji.
Why aren't Mexicans ever indecisive? Because if they're on the fence too long they get caught.
In the 1980s, Nintendo employed "game counselors." If you were stuck in a game, you could call them, and they would coach you through it.
Can't believe I survived the hiatus! The episode tonight better be good! Lol
There are 37 genders. Male, female and 35 kinds of faggot.
What do you call a bear that's stuck out in the rain? A drizzly bear.
As part of his conditional release, John Hinckley Jr., who attempted to assassinate Ronald Reagan in 1981, isn't allowed to drink alcohol, possess firearms, listen to violent music, look at pornography, drive more than 30 miles, or delete his web browser history.
"We push ourselves because we have to; not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level."
He puts his head in your lap, He is the kind of guy who likes to do anything if he things that the relationship deserves the effort.
The main reason I had kids was so to finally have a legitimate excuse for being late all the time for everything.
Looking for queer graphic artist for a logo.
A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments. That has left scientists scratching their heads.
The Dentist says, "When was the last time you flossed?" The Patient replies, "You should know, you were there!"
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly? A cannibble.
How do Muslims like to make their pizzas spicy? They add halalapeno.
Why did the man open a rooftop bar? He wanted to have drinks on the house.
"You're telling yourself you're a hero, when in reality all you are is alone."
In 2017, it took Chinese authorities just seven minutes to locate and apprehend a BBC reporter using their robust network of CCTV cameras and facial recognition technology. They have the largest surveillance system in the world.
A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!" "Why?" says his wife, a little surprised "Because it's holding me back!"
Whoever stole my anti depressants. I hope you're happy now.
In the new millennial-inspired Bible, the Last Supper is now a vegan brunch.
Spent a day with President George H.W. Bush at Dartmouth College in 2010. He could not have been kinder and he was absolutely lovely to my parents. It was an honor I'll always remember.
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper? Megasoreass.
Question for the man with the medically grafted penis growing out of his arm: Are you getting more--or fewer--rides when you hitchhike?
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes. But that's Heinz sight for you.
Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were
Antivax mothers all over America think that their children are safe because of believing in Jesus. And like Jesus, their children could die because of a rusty nail.
A more appropriate name for Fibre One bars would've been Fibre Two bars... you know, cause they make you poop?
I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends". Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.
If they didn't want people to be afraid of dying on an airplane, maybe they shouldn't have named the airport a terminal.
"You've always been on a bridge, you climb on the railing and you're ready to leap, and when that happens, I have to catch you."
James Earl Jones only spent 2.5 hours recording all of Darth Vader's lines for "Star Wars." He was paid $7,500 for the work.
My biggest worry with smart devices that can talk to each other is that they probably talk behind my back and laugh about what a loser I am.
My girlfriend wanted to have a talk about how childish i am But she didn't have the secret password to my pillow fort so she couldn't get in
Daniel Craig has been injured five times while playing James Bond. He does his own stunts and has had his two front teeth shattered, lost the tip of a finger, sprained his arm, his knee, and has twisted his ankle.
Hey family, we have some exciting things coming up, but just a quick update: We are having some issues with our PayPal account. It's not accepting payments for some reason. We are working hard to fix the solution. Black Trans folx can still apply for funds via our form.
The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken
I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it's very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..
You can put many older CD-based video games into a regular CD player and listen to the game's soundtrack.
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order. I should probably have stopped when I got to her name.
You get one McDonald's fry per order that is longer than any potato that's ever existed.
You wouldn't call me lazy if you saw the long list of things I did in order to avoid being productive.
My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing. Apparently, "Heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.
"I can't stand when people say they hate both of the presidential candidates." --Stephen Hawking
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Guns don't kill people. Americans who think guns don't kill people, do.
So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity... Well, her exact words were "time and distance" but I knew what she meant.
ME AT 13: It's really weird that owls cough up pellets. ME AT 31: [waking up in a cold sweat] Does that mean owls don't have butts?
me: [rolls down window] what seems to be the problem officer cop: get the fuck out of my car
Life cycle of the male sex drive Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly Ages 32-55: Try-weekly Over 55: Try-weakly
I slept with my best friend's wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.
A foul tongue is just a reflection of a foul heart
Children will follow your footsteps before they will your advice.
"I left your tuxedo in your closet, Mr. Phoenix" "My what closet?" *butler sighs, completely tired of living* "Your Joaquin closet, sir"
RIP John Lewis. Truly the best of what America could be.
5/ How I avoid burnout I have the luxury to take as many days off as I need to be with family. If my kids have a school function - I'm there. Sporting event - there. I found early on that missing these things caused more guilt than I was willing to shoulder-so I prioritize them.
If I had a dime for every time a homeless person asked me for change, I'd still say no.
No research has ever found a direct connection between people playing violent video games and mass shootings.
Ladies, be sure to compliment yo manz on his gym gains. Even if he's got some ways to go, he will always look back and remember when you gassed him up
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top
When you see someone's name trending what's the first thing you think?
"I think I'm a psycho," I said to the doc, "I like women's boobies." He smiled and winked at me, "I like them too." "Oh good," I replied, "do you want to come see my collection."
Heavy rains kill 73 in Pakistan. I guess even God couldn't stand the smell any longer.
"Oats are described as healthy cereal because they have soothing effects on the nerves"
I went to a restaurant yesterday and the waitress had a black eye. When I ordered I spoke very slowly, because clearly she didn't listen well.
I just tweeted from a desktop computer, just like our ancestors used to
JNF has invested so much in the Central Arava. We have seen so many of these investments come to life during these hard times. And we can still function, even though we are so isolated.' Noa Zer, Central Arava Regional Council Powered By JNF Love Grows In Israel
"What if one little thing I said or did could have made it all fall apart? What if I had chosen another life for myself? Or another person?"
Legit depressed Last Dance is over
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank; I have no words for how angry I am.
My friend claims that he 'accidentally' glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.
I went jogging but came back after five minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than five minutes.
"You have to not take 'No' for an answer, and take what's coming to you. Never give in. Never give up. Stand up and take it.'
Some people try to be different and some people try to make a difference
YOU: I feel so much better since I started eating more fruits and vegetables. ME: [lighting a french fry like a cigarette] You're weak.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
*Realizing I have a captive audience* ME: So... why do they call it an ambulance? Am i right? If people die on the way to the hospital, do they call it a wasbulance? PARAMEDIC: Sir, every word you say makes a little more blood squirt out of you.
Instagram banned me for life cuz I kept commenting 'but are you happy?' on everyone's pictures.
Me: Ever seen someone write a check with 9 zeroes on it? Impressed? Cashier: You put them all in front of the one. It's for $1 Me: Please don't cash it until next week.
The following random syllables are hereby offered as names for your new app: Buzu, Spotchi Jimsin, Plantic, Tanco and Spoob.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they're for multiple people*
We got a fridge with an ice maker because it's nice to have ice on demand and hear suspicious noises in your house at 3 in the morning
My boss touched me inappropriately at work today. Its okay though, i'm self-employed
What's the difference between Jesus and a vagina? A vagina is still good after a couple of nails
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy? A Cameron Diaz Say It Out Loud
If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P
My Dad got a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle". When I looked confused he said, "no ballroom"
Why focus on tobacco? Because there is an intentional ploy to target blacks resulting in death at genocidal proportions. make smoking history
My kid's insults to each other: "you have fat lips like Momma." "well, you have a big butt like Momma. Thanks, kids.
My new credit card gives me 2% cash back on 102% of my purchases.
I went for my interview to be a bus driver I told them 'Sorry I'm late' They said 'you're hired'
"You know what music is? God's little reminder that there's something else besides us in this universe." - August Rush
I just completed 100 push-ups. (I started last November.)
My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence...
My friend filled an entire swimming pool up with herbs. He had a lot of thyme on his hands.
Having both red hair and blue eyes is the rarest combination in humans.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all  night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
I've told my new girlfriend that my Mom is deaf so she needs to speak loud and slow. I've told my Mom that my new girlfriend is retarded. Today they meet for the first time... I'm just going to sit back and watch
therapist: "remember there are no stupid questions" wife: "okay" therapist: "keith you start" me: "do sharks ever need to have a bath?"
My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library. I said it's for shelf-defense.
"Dont give up just be you, 'cause life's too short to be anybody else" - Step up 2"
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...? Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.
"If I changed the world for you, I bet you wouldn't have a clue." - I Want.
I like doing the washing up, it's meditative and helps me make important decisions. For example, last night I decided my wife is lazy so I'm going to divorce her.
Apparently they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a Man asking a Woman how her day was...
vitamin B6 help brain function & converts protein to energy. Vit B6 foods potato bananas beans red meat fish eggs spinach & fortified cereal
If the Christmas carolers at my door are really good, I turn my red swivel chair dramatically toward them.
What do you call a ginger kid who's good at martial arts? The Carroty Kid.
"Cause if you want to keep me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder." - Ariana Grande feat. The Weekend.
Last year, my family started a tradition of putting up a 'Christmas skeleton' because it works so well with our other tradition, 'not putting away the Halloween decorations.'
The name Red Lobster is helpful if you totally forgot what color lobsters are.
I'm a Mexican with a black belt Call me Juan Punch
A policeman pulled me over and said... "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "Because you wanted to see how tall I am?" "Step out of the car sir," he ordered. I said, "See, I told you!" Pig cunt.
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
Don't chase anyone. Don't beg anyone to stay. Save space for people who matter.
What do Jewish women get when they go to the gynecologist? A pap schmear.
I want to dedicate this Dad joke to my father, who is a roofer. So dad if you're up there...
The one thing I'd really like to do before I die is cure death.
We are also very excited to announce that we have partnered with a few other Black Trans led organizations to pool resources and meet some non-food related needs Black Trans Folx may have as well:
Now that the weather is warm, it's so nice to be able to be outdoors while I stare at my phone.
me: i really don't think orange brings out my eyes prison guard: i really don't give a fuck
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."
What's the most popular pub in the Middle East? The Allahu ak-Bar
A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. He raises his eyes to the heavens and said: "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
In 2015, three inmates from Eastern New York Correctional Facility, a maximum-security prison, beat Harvard's debate team in a competitive debate.
Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit. We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens. Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly' isn't having the effect we thought it would.
Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans? So people can read her lips.
What happens if you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.
You know you're getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn't say anything back.
You can only truly appreciate the beauty of a sunrise, if you have survived the darkness
If I'm louder. Would you see me? Would you lay down in my arms and rescue me? Cause we are, the same.' - More Than This.
Seek honour, not attention. It lasts longer
Two tablespoons of parsley provide 153% of the RDA of vitamin K which is important for strengthening the composition of our bones vitamins
"No worries for the rest of your days. It's our problem - free philosophy. Hakuna Matata." - The Lion King
Don't make the mistake of always liking other girls pictures and barely any of the one you're dating
"The swear jar is full. What do we do now?" "We buy a fucking boat and sail out of this bullshit town."
You ever stick your dick in pecan pie? It's fucking nuts.
Avocado is an excellent source of carotenoid lutein, which known to help protect against age-related macular degeneration and cataracts
To avoid all this bathroom controversy, I've just been going in the woods.
Lifehack: Tell everyone you have a peanut allergy. It'll make faking your death a lot easier down the road.
Little Drummer Boy: I'll play my best for him! (hammering on the drums) Mary: Stop! You're waking the baby! Joseph: This is the worst Christmas gift ever! Drummer boy: What?! I can't hear you over these drums!
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Welcome to tonight's Auntie Red Tweet Tea
I wish I was sleepwalker. It'd be way easier to get in my 10,000 steps.
Why did the lion cross the road? To stop the zebra crossing.
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults, I don't listen - and something else.
Alright, back to watching some Naruto Believeit
Nobody knows you, baby, the way I do, and nobody loves you, baby, the way I do.' - Fireproof.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives corny
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
What's the difference between a coyote and a flea? One howls on the prairie while the other prowls on the hairy.
"You feel love but you just can't embrace it, When you found the right one at the wrong time.' - Pixie Lott.
I have a friend who was recently fired from his job and he believes it's because he is gay. We live in Florida which is an at-will state. They do not have to explain why he was fired. Is there any advice you have that I can give him?Auntie Red Tweet Tea
I hear the elders always talking about voting, but honeslty; I don't think it works. What are more tangible ways we can change the system? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
What if farting was contagious like yawning
What's black, blue and doesn't look too well? Stevie Wonder
BRAIN: Oh my, this food is really spicy. We should probably do something to cool down the mouth. BODY: Don't worry, I got this. *Sweat starts pouring out of forehead* BRAIN: I was thinking more the mouth... BODY: More you say? *Sweat starts pouring out of back and armpits*
Black ice is just like regular ice... Except it's a better dancer...
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze. corny
When writing the story of your life, don't let other people hold the pen.
When my wife told me to stop imitating flamingos, I had to put my foot down
Whoops toddler on Twitter
Researchers at the University of Washington found that this disparity stems from political orientation biased media framing.
Me: everyone loves the clever nicknames I come up with Divorced Parents Rhonda: not everyone
What would you call a German-Muslim? A Nazi Terrorist
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today. It was because I'll only work on two sundaes a month.
My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child. So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
Racism is a subjective matter there are no black and white solutions
"Nothing can come between you and I. Not even the Gods above can separate the two of us" - You and I.
[on a sailboat on a beautiful day] Sailor: Why so disappointed? Me: No reason. Sailor: What is it? Me: I just thought you guys would swear more. Sailor: Geez Louise, that's too bad.
"I'll be anything you want, just tell me what you want and I'll be that." - The Notebook
In 2013, Looney Tunes revealed that 'Yosemite Sam's' full name is Samuel Michelangelo Rosenbaum.
WIFE: you're so overly dramatic ME: no i'm not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting "no he's not"] dammit guys, not now
I like when the shoe salesman puts the shoe on for me. I am 85% more likely to buy new shoes if I feel like Cinderella.
"I know who I am again. And I've had to give up things, but I've learned that I don't need much. I don't need much to be happy."
My wife's cooking is so bad, we don't pray before but after our meal.
I met my wife in an African Languages class We just clicked
I could tell instantly that my mate Dave's transgender operation was a 100% success... "Is everything alright Davina?" I asked him/her/him/her/him/her oh fuck knows. "I'm fine" he/she snapped.
Terrorists are so slutty They'll blow on the first date
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama. Cause you don't turn your back on family.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.
The real Casa Bonita restaurant must track when the "Casa Bonita" episode of South Park airs to ensure they have enough staff to meet the increased demand the following day.
I look better without my glasses Or maybe it's just that I can't see how ugly I am in the mirror without them.
The best assemble-yourself furniture comes with a few spare screws, spare bolts, and a pint of O-positive blood.
If Barbie were a real human, she would be too skinny to bear children and too disproportionate to walk upright. She would also have half a liver and a tiny intestine.
If you think vests come in 2 different styles Bullet proof and suicide, you may be muslim
What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus? The look on their face when you're nailing them.
"If I had a chance to kiss someone I liked, I wouldn't hesitate."
She had fought relentlessly for women to be treated equally and with respect in the Sherlockian community, the academic world and everywhere else. She opened doors to young people of all genders. She leaves her life partner Mickey Fromkin and heart-broken Holmesians everywhere. 🐝
Thinking in a foreign language can help you make more rational decisions, according to research published in the journal Psychological Science.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
The main reason I've never joined a religious cult is I'm not a fan of Kool-aid, other than that I totally would.
What do you get when Italians join ISIS? Baked Yazidi
An 89 is just a 69 with a fat chick.
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You would too if your name was "adkwodrtrgfvnfif"
"You're just going to have to go with your gut. And maybe, just maybe, that'll take you to where you were meant to be in the first place."
Robocop's costume was so bulky that it wouldn't fit into his police car when filming the movie. Every time you see Robocop driving, he's not wearing his Robo-Pants.
My gay friend told me he's spending this 4/20 with his boyfriend. He said, "After all, the Bible says 'Two men who lie together shall be stoned'."
me: i'm a record breaker her: if you say you destroy vinyl records i'm leaving you me: no i mean i actually broke a record her: for what me: for the most vinyl records destroyed
When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja. Impressive.
As hard as you try, I will never be knocked down" - Adele
You are not what you have done - you are what you have overcome.
I love autumn in California: watching the leaves change color because they're on fire.
Iron Man was considered such a minor character when Marvel Studios began developing the first movie, about 30 writers passed on writing the script. They were uninterested in the project due to both the relative obscurity of the character and it being solely a Marvel production.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
Cason Wilburn from East Coast Aquatics is on fire! Easily taking first in the boys 13-14 200 free with AAAA time of 1:42:87
In 2001, a Florida man wrestled a shark out of the water to recover his nephew's arm that had been bitten off. Doctors managed to successfully re-attach it.
When my wife tell's me "you were fantastic last night" it's usually because I didn't snore and wake her up.
Your eyebrows and eyelashes renew themselves every six to eight weeks.
Can two people really be meant to be? soulmates?
There's Angie, and then there's Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
What are rich people called in Japan? Milyennaires
What do you call a Muslim woman without a burka? Dead.
I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.' ╠Albert Einstein
Every guy has a shot. But you have to take your shots when you can. If you're not taking your shots then go back to the basics and try again. Get your stuff handled, look sharp, go out and say hi.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer. Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Turns out that I love "reheated coffee" more than I love "brewing a fresh pot of coffee."
I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella, but he hesitated.
Accidentally called 911. Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
Valentine's Day soon, Ladies! But don't bother getting me what you got me last year. I've got enough fucking restraining orders as it is.
Louis Armstrong always wore a Star of David as a tribute to the Jewish family who took him as a child and gave him money to buy his first horn.
I never put the Sunny D back in the refrigerator when I'm done with it... by then I'm already on the other side of Walmart and the jug is pretty much empty.
Weekends are all about relaxing. And by relaxing, I mean running errands with my wife and being told about how we need to get our life in order.
Me and my girlfriend were talking names for our baby, she said, "I want something original!" I said, "How about Werthers?"
The day the season finale airs I will be drinking a lot of tequila while eating chocolate and pizza! Oh and I'll be wiping my tears away!
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
How do you seduce a fat woman? PIece of cake.
Historical fact: When Galileo said the Earth revolves around the Sun, Pope Paul V said, 'Fake news. Sad.'
Raisins contain oleanolic acid, which provides protection against cavities and tooth decay raisins
What do you call the killing of Chinese baby girls? Youth-in-Asia
A friend pointed this out to me today...On this day in 1938 Robert Johnson died. On this day in 1977 Elvis Presley died. Today Aretha Franklin died. The king of the blues, the King, and the Queen of Soul united in heaven. Now that is a mighty chorus of angels.
70% of AfAms can't swim black kids are 3-5 times more likely to drown than whites. We are committed to changing that and competitive swimming
Why do they call them 'jews'? "'jew gonna do anything with that, 'cause I can take it off your hands?"
Oh my god the way the new Baby-Sitter's Club wrote this beautiful trans little girl so effortlessly into the episode <3
Thank you for all the Happy Birthday Jensen Ackles tweets. Another year older, oh well. Love to all! Cheers!
We can each influence our circles for mental health by taking care of our own minds and emotions. We can break the silence and shame cycle.
Guys are like “they/them” is too confusing, but then are experts at Settlers of Catan.
I'm so tired of jokes about gay people I mean come on guys
Hey family! We are in need of some assistance. Anyone in the NYC that has a car and is able to help us make deliveries? We just got a massive food donation and want to distribute it ASAP!
What do lawyers wear to work? A lawsuit.
How do you know if somebody's Christian? Don't worry, They'll fucking tell you.
Researchers from Humboldt University in Berlin successfully taught rats how to play Hide-And-Seek. Over time they even developed strategies for both hiding and seeking. Scientists also discovered the rats would let out 'joyful' squeaks while playing.
It's good to be scared it means you still have something to lose.
Right said Fred gets me every time! Haha. You go Deanmon now put a shirt on. What the hell?
The thesaurus is a writer's best friend because most of us don't know how to make real friends.
Being a bad driver can be partly genetic, according to research from UC Irvine.
Instead of a check engine light in your car, it should just be picture of you handing a mechanic a pile of money.
In complete darkness, we see a specific color called "Eigengrau," which is a shade of dark gray.
When you know what you want from your relationships with girls, you will attract the ones that want the same thing. So decide what you want.
How do you fix a deaf car? With an engin*eer.*
That's not my carbon footprint, it's Jesus's.
Personally, I've made the decision to give all of my employees June 19th off in honor of Freedom Day from now on, and to continue to educate myself on the history that brought us to this present moment.
Why focus on tobacco w/ all of the other issues we face? Because it's a social justice issue and we need to be a part of the resistance.
"I can't hide what I've done, scars remind me of just how far that I've come." - Shakira.
I'm too ugly to be a stripper. But a reverse stripper? I think people would pay a lot of money to get me to put my clothes back on.
Al Capone ran a soup kitchen in Chicago during the Great Depression that served more than 120,000 meals to unemployed Americans.
Keep trying and failing. Over and over. Do whatever it takes to leave the life you don't want anymore and enter into the one you've always wanted.
"When it's time to act and you're all alone with your back against the wall, the only voice that matters is the one in your head."
School rang me today and said, 'Your son's been telling lies'.... I replied, 'Well tell him he's fucking good at it - I haven't got a son'....
Fat people just want to get into your pantries.
Why are muslim charities the worst to donate to? Because they are for prophet.
What language do oranges speak? Mandarin.
In 2016, Dubai man Mohamed Basheer bought a lottery ticket before boarding an Emirates flight, which crashed and exploded. He escaped the crash and won $1 million.
Let 's all try and do one kind thing a day whether that be for others or for ourselves. Happy Monday everyone.
What are a redneck's last two words before dying ? WATCH THIS !
My mother-in-law has been dieting for years. But it's only recently that she's finally achieved, in my humble opinion, the ideal weight. 2.5lbs, which includes the urn.
Someday we'll all look back on this and scream.
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic? Ian.
"We rely on superstitions because we're smart enough to know we don't have all the answers, and that life works in mysterious ways."
genie: i will grant you any wish me: i wish soup was spelled like soop genie: [frowning] no
In 1974, Ted Bundy's girlfriend called the Seattle police department because he matched their description for the murder suspect in several cases. They told her to come in and fill in a report because they were too busy to talk to girlfriends over the phone, and she hung up.
Commercial break. I'm ordering pizza. Anybody want any? No. Okay.
You ever notice how you never see Peter Parker wearing shorts in any of the Spider-Man movies? It's because he's extremely self conscious about the excessively hairy legs he got after the spider bite.
As a clinician u must have sensitivity to the constant miscroaggressions brown and black people experience daily. Black Minds Matter
I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex He's a small arms dealer.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
You just know I knew my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load early last night....I could see it in her eyes
My Grandpa: I need therapy because I was shot at in the war Me: I need therapy because a stranger on the internet talked to me in all caps locked
What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
My wife says I'm the cheapest man in the world. I'm not buying it.
Why do riot police get to work early? To beat the crowd
"Who doesn't want more romance in their life? Maybe it's just up to us to make it happen, to show up and be there for each other."
I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters. If you want, I can samurais it for you.
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta. Now it's a @FordFocus
How do jellyfish live without brains They are blond
My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body. I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
My wife said I needed to grow up I was speechless It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
9.11 million viewers yesterday! What a great improvement from last week! Promoting MerDer and Calzona really works, hope ABC sees that now!
Avocados contain more than 25 essential vitamins, minerals including vitamins A, B, C & E. Also, lutein, copper, magnesium, potassium & zinc
What do you get when you cross a Jew? Christianity.
Nicholas Cage almost played Neo, Willy Wonka and Superman.
On my way to Hot Springs, Arkansas! What shouldn’t I miss?
My least-favorite comeback of all time: measles.
"All I know since yesterday, is everything has changed." - Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran.
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists. I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family. The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
Apparently, halal chicken is killed in the traditional Muslim way. How the fuck do you strap a rucksack to a chicken?
...for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” Psalm 25:4-5
How do deaf mathematicians communicate? Through sine language.
You learn a lot about people when they don't get what they want.
"The expected is just what keeps us steady, standing, still. The expected is just the beginning. The unexpected is what changes our lives.'
What do you call a hooker that was shot by a sniper? 360 hoscope
Thank you for believing in The Okra Project's mission and vision. It is an honor to serve our community, and we hope you'll help us continue to do so by supporting us this Giving Tuesday
Got a new job at the guillotine factory. I'll beheading there shortly.
Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? He's a small medium at large.
"Lack of water is the 1 trigger of daytime fatigue"
Why did the Dalai Lama go to Mexico? So he can be juan with everything.
Treat everyone with politeness and kindness, not because they are nice, but because you are.
Tinder, but for hot cinnamon buns in my area.
"We're not finished yet. I've not finished loving you."
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.
"The spaces between us, keep getting deeper.' - Spaces.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I'm giving my family smallpox.
Life consists not in holding good cards, but in playing those you hold well.
Today is the beginning of Mental Health Month. One of our favorite times of year! We'll be tweeting info. and resources so ff us daily!
Do you feel like you're always walking away empty handed after your interactions with girls? Well on this previous episode, I shared an idea from the Burning Man festival that can completely turn things around for you. It's the idea of "gifting" giving without expecting anything.
Who was the last man to stand on the moon? Gene Cernan. Gone now. God speed. Han
A wise Chinese man once said, "If a dog barks it's undercooked"
I lost my job as a stage designer, I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
At 9, I was scared of school 'cause the boys teased me for playing with the girls. At19, my tutor failed me 'cause I was "too effeminate to top a class of 'real boys". Today, Im bold enough to stand up for young gays battered by stereotypes and discrimination. IDAHOBIT 2020
I had a hen who could count her own eggs. She's a mathmachicken.
Why do golf announcers whisper? Because they don't want to wake up the people watching.
I saw a group of transvestites driving really fast... ... it took me a while to realise that they were drag-racing.
"Dad, on my way home from school I saw Santa beating a Pakistani man up outside a shop. " "Well son, I don't know what to say to you, I'm shocked. " "So am I dad, I only posted the letter yesterday"
I love visiting NYC because it's the only time I can enjoy the smell of hot pretzels without worrying that it's an aneurysm.
ME: It's not easy to make me laugh. I have a pretty refined sense of humor. ME: [when I see a picture of any animal wearing sunglasses] Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... hahahahahaha... hahahaha... heee heee... where'd you get those?
What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed? Sea kelp.
Disney has recognized their coffee runner in nine movies, including Moana, Frozen, and Tangled. Carlos Benavides is credited under "Caffeination."
When I get heavier, I am actually easier to pick up. What am I? A woman
"t's been so long, maybe you were fireproof, 'cause nobody saves me, baby, the way you do.' - Fireproof.
Watched Unsolved Mysteries before bed again. It was the Rey Rivera one. Couldn’t sleep a wink. 🤦🏾‍♀️
Why don't you ever see three mexicans crossing the border at the same time? Because the signs say "No trespassing"
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves. Today was the top of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
[God creating toddlers] God: Give them the ability to change the language settings of any television within seconds of touching the remote.
9 out of 10 men prefer large tits. The other man prefers the 9 men.
I really feel like I could be a good detective if they just gave me a badge and a gun and let me do my thing.
The "silent treatment" is the most common way people deal with conflict in relationships and is also one of the most significant predictors of a relationship breakdown.
The moment you're ready to give up is usually the moment right before something great happens.
Our health and our history are intertwined. The collective and inter generational trauma of black America, historically and currently is real and deserves recognition.
"Don't toss your tea bag, put them in a plastic baggy in the refrigerator & use on your eyes to relieve puffiness or freshen them up"
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell. It was a brief case.
What did you guys think of that episode?
On IG we were asked to included subtitles on our videos for listeners with hearing loss. Not sure why we didn't think of that before but we're looking into how we can include them. If anyone has suggestions on tools to add this feature, let us know.
Just put one foot in front of the other, just get through the day.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him. He just can't part with it.
Q: why you can't smoke weed with Mexicans A: Because when you ask them for papers they run away
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
A guy in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.
How I know I am not a Racist... Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
The Job Promotion Saudi Arabia just announced that someone was promoted be the new Oil Minister. That would make it a sheikh-up in the government.
What you called a fat Chinese man? Chunk
Scientists publish the first picture of black hole... I saw that several years ago on Pornhub.
**Finds old Ouija board** "I don't know guys" "What's the worst that could happen?" "Spirits of the dead give us your message!" W-E-H-A "Guys--" "Shut up" W-E-H-A-V-E-U "Guys--" "Keep going" W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-L-I-C-Y
It is during your darkest hour, you must strive most to see the light.
I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.
One of the most unsolvable conundrums of food math is: Peanuts + Nice Grapes = Yuck Peanuts + Old Dried Up Grapes = Yum?
I just joined a gym for religious minorities. Jehova's Fitness
New postingS - Bak2School, Hurricane Katrina Anniversary, Anxiety Expert Series, and Reporting from the Black Mental Health Forum in D.C.
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans... I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
She’s always been a force of nature —unafraid to speak her mind or walk confidently. Carrying it with me reminds me to channel a little of that fiery spirit wherever I go.⚡️
If ever I commit murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread. Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.
What does "The Sixth Sense" have in common with "Titanic"? Icy dead people.
Life hack: If you run out of breadcrumbs for a recipe, turn your computer keyboard over and shake it.
Eating fish once a week could lower your risk of depression by 30% depression health
If it hurts when you piss. Urine trouble.
What's the best part about having a blind partner? You know they won't be seeing other people.
In Indiana, a 94-year-old woman has worked at McDonald's for the past 44 years. And she's almost finished paying off her student loans.
Toxic masculinity in gay relationships is when one demands that his partner performs "wifely" roles in the relationship. It is an inbuilt personality disorder which prioritizes muscles over another thing.
"Somewhere in the darkness, the gambler, he broke even." RIP Kenny Rodgers.
As I was entering a singles bar last night the bouncer started patting me down. He said, "Have you got anything on you that you shouldn't have?" "Yes," I replied. "My wedding ring!"
I like being old. I was never cool, so this is a better fit for me.
I like the kind of mysteries where they make you suspicious of everyone so at the end I can say 'ah yes I was suspicious of them'
surprisingly, maple syrup is packed with essential minerals minerals syrup
Never ask white Americans what their ethnicity is unless you wanna hear a list of every European country and meaningless fractions.
Why don't you understand? I'm never changing who I am." - Imagine Dragons
me: [drops an ice cube] the tribe of ants that live under my fridge: we have been blessed with a gift from the overworld my brothers
My wife yelled at me saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
Did you guys hear about the girl that had three vaginas? She kept getting fucked left, right and centre.
tv remotes that have separate buttons for on and off need to calm the fuck down
I'm glad no one takes the Bible verse "Naked I came into this world and naked I shall depart" literally, otherwise those would be some disturbing open casket funerals.
'Twice a day, breathe deeply for three to five minutes'
I'm so proud of my self, I decided I'm going to stop procrastinating and do something with my life! Starting tomorrow...
What do you call a lumberjack with a website? A b-logger.
Someday you're gonna see the things that I see, you're gonna want the air that I breathe, you're gonna wish you never left me.' - Clouds.
Husband says to his wife "do you smell that" wife says "no?" Husband says "me neither so start cooking"
Why did the mathematician ignore the tan lady on the beach? He was too concerned with the tan gent.
"When we're told not to touch something we usually do, even if we know better. Maybe because deep down, we're just asking for trouble."
How can you spot a Jewish Ethiopian? He's got a Rolex around his waist.
When a bear stays in bed for 7 months in a row, they call it hibernation. But when I do it, everyone says I'm depressed
gave my wife a pedicure just so I could write in my diary "I nailed her...10 TIMES IN A ROW". Ha ha, jokes on you, Masculinity.
By legalizing Cannabis and; same-sex marriage we interpreted the bible correctly. "A man who lays with another man should be stoned."
Lady at the door asked if I'd found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don't think she'll be back.
"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night skies are like shooting stars?" - B.o.B. ft Hayley Williams, Airplanes.
Hope is the greatest of the gifts we'll receive." - Beauty and the Beast
Just because I tweeted about El Pollo Loco, they sent us a huge spread of free food. They are truly the Cadillac CT6 Platinum Trim (Black Exterior/Auburn Interior) of restaurant chains.
I always leave my parents’ house five pounds heavier and ten years older.
My wife just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.
A very drunk man walks into a bar He yells: two large beers and a packet of crisps please! Lady: sir, this is a library. Man, whispering: two large beers and a packet of crisps please!
Complete a personal financial statement each year as a means to examine your fiscal well-being. Dr. Josephus Shepherd STEI Reset COVID 19
chillies can help you breathe more easily. They shrink the mucous membranes which eases blocked noses and sinuses breathe flu
SHARK ATTACKS ARE AT A RECORD HIGH Australia: Let's put nets out to keep bathers safe. USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes. He really gets a kick out of it.
"Everything is totally out of your control."
What's the difference between batman and a black man? Batman can go out at night without Robin.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage h
doctor: i'm afraid the operation left you completely blind me: i see doctor: oh cool then forget I said anything
I knew I was ready to have children when I went 3 weeks without dropping my phone.
Why did the black man go to the golf-club on Sunday afternoon? Because he had a membership.
I've just noticed my wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing She's behind with the washing.
Did u hear about the prostitute with no legs? She's selling it for half off.
Cooked tomatoes are just as good and beneficial for anti-aging as fresh ones health anti aging tomatoes
Jason Weaver, the singing voice of young Simba in the original animated version of "The Lion King," declined a $2 million offer in exchange for $100,000 upfront and royalties. He's made well over $2 million from the movie.
*I blow out the birthday candles* FRIEND: What did you wish for? ME: [After wishing everyone on earth would learn to mind their own business] Nothing. Wishing is stupid.
How do you keep a person in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow.
"Find another one 'cause she belongs to me." - Steal My Girl.
What do you call it when homosexual congressmen have lunch together? A Federal Mandate
In 2019, the world's oceans hit their warmest level in recorded history, reaching record-setting temperatures not seen since... 2018.
What kind of batteries do Canadians get the most excited about? AA
Misha Collins close ur robe...seriously. Family show. Come on!
Hello!!! Welcome to Auntie Red Tweet Tea. We have a few questions from our listeners and if you want to join the convo at any time simply used the hashtag.
*Driving in my car* MY BRAIN: ... *Walking through the park* MY BRAIN: ... *Relaxing in the tub* MY BRAIN: ... *The second I actually need to concentrate on something* MY BRAIN: DO MONKEYS HAVE THEIR BABIES UP IN THE TREES?!?!?
He is gay, he got married to a woman. You dare not judge him. Judge the pressures of a homophobic society.
I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today, but he just shouted very rudely, "Get your own sandwich!"
What do you call a gay guy paralyzed from the neck down? A Tomato (because he's both a fruit AND a vegetable)
What do you call the underground slave trade? The black market.
"The only voice that matters is the one in your head. The one telling u what you probably already knew. The one that's almost always right.'
Are there any prostitutes you can hire just to talk to you??? Apparently they are called therapist.
getaway driver: [holding bullet wound] ah god it hurts me: [thinking about how he didn't hold the door for me on the way out of the bank] y'know what else hurts
The most important part of making LABOR DAY jokes is to have a PREGNANT PAUSE before you DELIVER the punch line. This is some of the best comedy gold I've ever written.
I got stung by an applebee and now I'm going into bananaphylactic shock.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Asian? A car thief who can't drive.
John Hamm's real name is Toilet Sandwich Meat
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds. What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend? 45 minutes
If the Founding Fathers were alive today, they'd probably win Dancing with the Stars. Those gentlemen were quite agile.
Congrats to Mackey Kacapor from University of MD Aquatics on the AAA time of 33:29 in the boys 9-10 50 back BHISM 30
I proposed to my Mexican girlfriend but she said... I wasn't the Juan.
How does one go about dating after a divorce? How long should I wait to get back on the "market?" Auntie Red Tweet Tea
I buy sheets with a high thread count because I deserve the finer things in life and they give me something to count while I'm laying awake worry about things that will never happen.
For a first date date, my girlfriend wasn't impressed when I tried to drive over the frozen lake drunk. But, it was an icebreaker.
Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you." She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?" I said, "It's me talking to the beer."
On Valentine's Day, show her how much you care about her by using a Groupon.
Erika Ettin is an online dating expert who helps single men get dates with any dating app by fixing their pics and About Me section. On this previous episode you'll learn how she does this so you can do it yourself so you stand out and get girls to reply back and agree to a date.
"You'll never love yourself half as much as I love you. And you'll never treat yourself right darlin' but I want you to." - One Direction.
I hide eating treats from my kids with the same level of anxiety I did drinking alcohol from my parents.
In college I was so broke I couldn't afford the electricity bill. Those were the darkest days of my life.
Geez guys Not all Muslims are ISIS... Some are Al-Qaaeda or Taliban.
If you don't respect yourself, don't expect others to either
Good morning everyone! We hope your day is off to a grand start. What would you like to see more of on Black Mental Health Net?
My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she is a keeper.
Thanks for being a part of the TREND y'all! LOV Eis
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. rofl
Re: colorism, ask yourself-does the avg blk person think Viola and Lupita are beautiful or do we feel pressure to say we do? blk mental health
What is made of leather, a foot long and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
You are worth the same amount as your promise
Can you imagine if none of the midwives showed up for a birth? That would be a midwife crisis
Sometimes I like to eat an entire carton of ice cream because I love myself but also because I hate myself.
What concert ticket costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
What do Ethiopians get for Christmas? Hungry christmas jokes
My friend shouted, "You have a BA, a Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!" It was a third degree burn
Hello everyone! We are back after a unplanned haitus. Let us know some mental health topics that we should discuss in the near future. BMHN
You work, you study, you prepare. Months and years, leading to one day. The day when you step up. On that day, you have to be ready."
Scientists have recreated the face of a teenage girl from 9,000 years ago. Careful analysis shows she died of embarrassment over something her mom did.
How my day went today 1. Woke up 2. Went to work 3. Saw hot girl 4. Kissed the girl Too bad it happened in the order 2,3,4,1.
Your tongue is a loaded gun, be careful where you point it
"Even with the best plans, complications can arise. Things can go wrong. And suddenly you're caught with your pants down."
"Put your open lips on mine. And slowly let them shut." - Ed Sheeran.
I know a girl who is completely obsessed with Mexican men. She's a Pedrophile.
"Sorry for what? For breaking my heart or for giving me the greatest pleasure I've ever known and taking it away?" - Legally Blonde
"I find your lips so kissable, and your kiss unmissable" - Irresistible.
The fear of looking stupid is holding you back.
"Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop" Ok hold up *pulls out iphone* "Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop" ISIS:"ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?"
"Funny how a melody sounds like a memory." - Eric Church.
"We find ways to become more than our biology. The risk is that we can change too much. To the point that we don't recognize ourselves."
"I can't lie, you're on my mind. Stuck inside my head." - Maroon 5.
I let a blind man borrow some money the other day He said he'll pay me back the next time he saw me
My wife is incredibly smart. When I called her from my buddy's phone she answered 'hey love.' She already knew it was me!
Crops were so cheap during the Great Depression that farmers would burn corn instead of coal because corn was more affordable. The countryside often smelled like popcorn from all of the burning corn.
Pineapples are the perfect for hypertension because a cup of pineapple contains about 1 mg of sodium and 195 mg of potassium hypertension
I once thought I had a Japanese friend. But it was just my imagine Asian.
Jesus spoke to me yesterday... But I don't like talking to my roofers, so I had his brother Juan tell him not to do that in the future.
Children follow examples, not advice
TOMMY GRASSSEED: Well well well if it isn't Lazy John. JOHNNY APPLESEED: Fuck off, Thomas.
If Star Wars is a "space opera" then anything can be an opera. Air Bud is a dog opera. Beethoven is also a dog opera. We have several dog operas.
"When we are really sorry, when we really mean it, when our actions say what words never can, when we get it right, 'I'm sorry' is perfect."
What do you call a Cult that is hard to get into? Diffi-cult
If I had a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be like, "Why ya'll keep giving me all these dimes?"
Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever
"We get taller, we get older, but for the most part we're still a bunch of kids running around the playground trying desperately to fit in."
I can't believe I had my wife in tears this morning for something so small and trivial. All I did was rub an onion in her eyes.
Yo momma Is so ugly, she has masturbate with a bag over her head.
"I met you so I figure this place has given me as much as it has taken from me. I've lived here as much as I've survived here."
Only if family and society were tolerant of gay love, they will know I'm happily dating and greatly in love. But as it stands now, they see me as a bachelor yet to find his bride. Ironically sad.
"A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day."
I only date right handed women... Righty tighty, lefty loosey
What do you call a muslim sitting on a plane? A passenger
I thought I would go and help out in Africa... ...turns out they have enough aids.
"Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars.' - Jesse J.
A student visits the principal's office The principal asks: "What is your name?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david." The principal asks: "Do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
To become an astronaut, you must undergo survival training, learn robotics, and learn how to fly an airplane.
Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right? Because women are always right, even when they're full of shit.
I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.
Me: have you ever pooped your pants by accident as an adult? Coworker: no Me: so, always on purpose then? Coworker: ...
me: i heard staying up too late can cause hallucinations elmo with teeth: that sounds made up
Don't look for someone who'll solve your problems... Look for someone who'll face them with you.
To create a busy and fulling dating life you must learn how to quickly pick yourself up and try again after getting rejected by a girl. So on this previous episode we'll cover how to deal with your feelings when this happens so you don't ever get depressed after getting rejected.
With a high of 121F, Los Angeles just experienced its hottest day on record.
*Listens to my friend explain his ideal woman* Dude, that's just a mix of your mom and Mulan.
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here; I'll go on ahead.
Who needs a phone to distract you from reality, when you have plenty of imaginary arguments in your head to keep you busy.
People with gender dysphoria tend to be great businessmen. Every action they take is a trans-action.
My IT guy just asked, "How does a computer get drunk?" It takes screen shots.
What do you call a Communist sniper? A Marxman. corny
*pretty girl walks by and doesn't make eye contact* She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
"I think it's important to take the time to tell the people you love how much you love them while they can still hear you."
Despite having no brains, jellyfish still need to sleep. Sometimes they even struggle to wake up.
"It's important for us to stay healthy and be honest...You owe it to yourself and to anyone that you love to get tested." Are you doing it?
What do the Egyptians call a man who cannot keep his opinions to himself? IMHOtep
'Gin is a mild diuretic which helps the body get rid of excessive fluid. Thus, it can reduce problems such as menstrual bloating'
What do you call a Jewish minister that barbecues? A Ribeye.
Win a BKS hat! Reply to this post with a pic of your family traveling to a swim meet using the hash tag BK Sswimmeetsaturdays
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick. Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
I find sex is just like peeling a potato really. There's usually a knife in my hand.
Don't raise your voice, improve your argument
The human body is made up of 70% water... the other 30% is made up of stupidity.
WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born? ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC
"Don't shrink to console them. Do not look for friends here, you won't find them. None of these people have the capacity to understand you."
When my toddler gets upset, he does this stomping his feet thing. The biggest problem is how hard it is to take him seriously when he looks like he's doing the river dance.
Smoke from wildfires can cause the moon to glow red.
A pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back. "I wouldn't worry about it," said the doctor, "They're benign." "Count 'em again doc," said the pirate, "You'll find there be ten."
Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend? Because they're both cauldron
me: hey what's your ring size her: omg why me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Why does a white guy go to a brothel? For pleasure. Why does a black guy go to a brothel? He's looking for his mother.
During a zoo visit in the late 80s, Mike Tyson offered a zookeeper $10,000 to open a gorilla cage so he could go inside and punch the gorilla when he noticed it was bullying the other primates.
I hate it when a girl introduces herself as "Toni with an 'I', not 'Y'." Fucking retard, Toni begins with a T.
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died? My Korea is over
what do you call a hooker with a runny nose? full.
Can you recall when you first fell in love? How old were you? Where were you in your life that helped shape that experience. Auntie R Ed Tweet Tea
God knows who belongs in your heart and who doesn't
Why is a bullet like a gay man? When it gets it in the ass, he blows his load!
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
"Missing you is my hobby, caring for you is my job, make you happy is my duty and loving you is my life." - The Vow
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a hooker? When I'm choking the lawnmower, I don't stick my dick in it.
The thing I hate about k9 officers is seeing a dog with a more successful career than me
I really don't know why, but I got absolutely obsessed with pitching. I was too old to play in any kind of junior league, and where I'm from there just isn't a lot of people interested in the game.
"Did I do something stupid? Yeah girl if I blew it just tell me what I did, let's work through it" - One Direction
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Heat domes are getting worse as the Earth's climate changes. As Earth warms, the contrast between the heat at the equator and the cold at the pole falls, weakening the jet stream's strength to move the dome out of the way. Heat waves, therefore, get stuck for longer.
People who support the Endangered Species Act haven't tasted my Bald Eagle Souffle
As someone who is femme, how can I stand up for my masc centered partner? I notice ppl tend to come at her a lot more disrespectfully about our relationship. I can't help but think it because of her masc presentation. Auntie Red Tweet Tea
I saw a "news" report about this guy in India who was born with five penises. *His underwear fits like a glove.*
Being thankful is the first stop along the road to happiness
Did you hear a Payless Shoe Source got looted in Ferguson? The only thing left were the work boots. too soon
Her: What do you do? Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
Salmon is one of the healthiest fish. Super high in Vit D, A, B, protein, omega 3, iron, calcium. They also improve eyesight salmon health
How do you know an Asian broke into your home? Your dog has been eaten, math homework's done, and he's still trying to leave your driveway.
"Having a cup of green tea after a meal can aid in digestion. Green tea has been used for thousand of years in Asia as a digestive"
Thanks to all who joined us at Houston Con 2015 , but it's back to business as usual today. Have a good Monday y'all!
Did you say it? I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life. Did you say it?
My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
Today, there are only six known copies of William Shakespeare's signature. It's estimated that each one is worth at least $5 million.
Do you think that all this poverty in Africa is just Gods way of saying that he didn't mean to create black people?
The term "Wi-Fi" doesn't actually stand for anything. It was made up to sound catchy.
How do farmers party? They turnip the beets.
My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me So I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun
There were two chefs who got married, she was Chinese and he was German. They opened a restaurant together. The food is good, but a half hour after you eat dinner, you're hungry for power.
Research/Therapy needs to acknowledge factors that are unique to minority communities including historical treatment, stigma, etc. MMH Chat
Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water? If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
On her 56th birthday, Carol Burnett learned that her friend/mentor Lucille Ball had died. They were close, and Lucille would send flowers every year on Burnett's birthday. That afternoon, flowers arrived at Burnett's home with a note saying, "Happy Birthday, Kid. Love, Lucy."
What did Tennessee. The same thing Arkansas.
Kidney beans will make you look younger. The US department of Agriculture ranked these as the 3rd most antioxidant rich food health youth
"I'm never going to be good enough for you." - Simple Plan.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton! "
The closer you live to nature, the happier you'll be, according to researchers from The University of Warwick.
Sometimes we learn something new about the past, that changes everything we know about the present.
Did you guys hear about the murderer who stole a train in Mexico? They say he had a loco motive.
"It always feels like there's just 1 person in this world to love, but then you find someone else and it seems crazy you worried at all."
A Down Syndrome walks into a bar. Barman says "Why the mong face?"
My Mom always says 'homemade gifts are the best.' Hope she enjoys the meth.
My wife says she's reading a book about leadership to help her advance at work and be a better professional, but I bet it's to lead a team of evil villains who will rob banks and do bad stuff. She's not fooling me.
Peanuts boots memory power due to their high content of vitamin B3. They are also hgih in tryptophan which fights depression health memory
Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle... It was an ether/oar situation.
How do you confuse a 7 year old? Gay
What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder without a protein shake? No whey José
Without fail, Instagram’s “you’re all caught up!” reminder sends deep into a dark place.
I'm just like you. I get up and put on my pants two legs inside the same leg, collapse to the ground, and scream for my manservant Mr. Moto.
Everyday of our lives is its own performance.
There was a streaker at the first football game my dad ever took me to. It scarred me for life, mostly because the streaker was my dad.
How long do you think it will take for gays to find out? That a gay marriage is as much an oxymoron as a gay funeral?
What does the head of the Catholic Church used to buy goods online? Papal
If you throw a ping pong ball in the air, no less than 45 Chinese people will materialize to catch it & start a tournament.
90% of being a married man - when your wife is being quiet, trying to figure out if she's just tired, or if you're in huge trouble.
Since 1950, the United States has lost at least eight nuclear weapons, including a hydrogen bomb that simply rolled off an aircraft and fell into the Pacific Ocean.
If Trauma becomes a cultural norm, how do we heal? We must move from Trauma Informed to Transformation Informed -Dr. Bruce Purnell black minds matter trilogy of trauma trauma black children trauma informed care trauma informed
So happy to see you all here, Greenleafing with us! Greenleaf
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
I love the change of season from summer to fall. It's just so nice to hear people complain about pumpkin spice instead of politics.
Love doesn't hurt. Loving the wrong person does
My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.
Why do Black women have such large pockets? Somewhere to put their lipstick.
What has mass but doesn't take up space? The Catholic religion
My girlfriend snores very loudly Guess she knows how to sleep soundly
When a woman breast feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops
You know what my favorite thing about being Russian is? Getting to vote in American elections.
I failed my biology test today. There was a question that asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" I guess my teacher didn't think "black people" was a good answer.
What did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals? He got a woodpecker.
The letter O is just the number 0 after a cruise buffet
Patrick King is a social interaction specialist who helps shy men get better at talking to girls and getting their numbers. On this previous episode he is going to show you how to build your social skills, keep a conversation going, and lead the interaction to getting her number.
I spent 15 mins saying positive mantras to myself this morning in the mirror. It made me feel pretty good, but I got weird looks from everyone else at the gym.
Don't eat royal sausage in Vietnamese noodle soup Trust me, it's the Pho King Wurst
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy". He's an artificial sweetner.
How do you greet a slice of bread in Germany? Gluten tag! 
How do i watch money heist in Spanish? It’s coming in dubbed automatically and when I tried to fix it in settings on Apple TV, it didn’t do anything
The furniture store keeps calling me back, but all I wanted was that one nightstand.
I want the Cubs to break the curse, but I want it to be the Curse of Tutankhamun.
I think the reason I want to talk about this ONLINE is not to brag, but to admit that I was very shitty at something 10 years ago, but I cared about it a lot, and I found a way to work hard on it, just for myself. My entire philosophy about living can be boiled down to that:
"They say death is hardest on the living. It's tough to actually say goodbye. Sometimes it's impossible. You never stop feeling the loss."
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob.
What did the Catholic Mexican say to greet the Greek God of Thunder? "hey zeus!"
You wouldn't catch me sucking an African woman's feet. I'm black toes intolerant.
The average millennial doesn't come up with a proper plan or understanding of finances until the age of 33.
Why did the conjoined twins go to England? So the other one could learn how to drive
Marriage Protip: dipping your wife's hand in warm water while she sleeps provides a good excuse to buy a new mattress and upgrade your bed situation.
Adults think about sex 8 times a day on average, according to a 2019 study.
Miso soup strengthens the immune system to combat infection and "Its high antioxidant activity gives it anti-aging properties"
BOOK: She gazed upon the sun-dappled lawn. ME: I know what that means. The sun is always dappling stuff, especially lawns. Carry on, book. I'm smart.
My wig, prosthetics, and makeup artist cost $2,000, but with them I can roam the Pasadena Flea Market undisturbed, looking for porcelain hands
Because of you, there was a 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th and 7th album. You guys made me into a headliner because you wanted to see me play. And your support all these years is what's helped me stay true to that kid I was when I started out. 13 Years Of Taylor
I was sitting on the toilet and having a poop when the clock struck midnight. Same shit, different day.
Physical appeal has a significant impact on judges' sentencing. The less attractive the criminal, the higher their sentence. Three studies found a minimum increase of 119.25% and a maximum increase of 304.88% when it came to the length of sentencing.
The Chernobyl disaster could have been 10 times worse if three volunteer divers didn't drain a pool to prevent a second explosion.
Apoplectic. Just saw Neil Young in the Drs office. He sat right next to me in the waiting room. I froze up. Panicked. And said nothing. Still recovering. fangirl
Must complete US Women's Soccer Roster: Mitts! Rampone! Sauerbrunn! O'Hara! LePeilbet!Rodriquez!O'Reilly! Lloyd!...
Saw a homeless guy in a doorway and I asked, "Would you like an air mattress to sleep on buddy?" He replied, "Oh yeah, thanks man!" I chuckled, "Here, you can have this old air guitar too."
Plastic bags should cost a dollar each.
Being that you lived in multiple cities and had to restart your social life. What are some ways that you learned to build a community? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
Girl u got me tripping on sunshine, God knows you made my day. Since you came around, I just can't slow down, I wanna see u walking my way.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Those dirty bastards.
What does a slutty horse wear on its hooves? Whoreshoes.
It pisses me off when black people start accusing white people of 'cultural appropriation'. We didn't say anything when they started shooting people with guns instead of throwing spears at them, did we?
There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.
avoid hot showers they strips the skin of natural oils shower
Colorism is alive and well in the black comm'y. What's colorism really about?
Like so many of us, I've read newspaper articles and watched television news stories and seen movies about the plight of families looking for a better life, but this story changed the way I see what it means to be a migrant in a whole new way.
Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.
ME IN PUBLIC: I don't believe in ghosts. ME WHEN I'M ALONE AND HEAR ANY CREAK IN THE HOUSE: Pappy?
Ladies, never agree to do an@l, save it for when you do something so bad a blowjob can't fix things.
My opinion: At a roast everyone on stage and the audience members have made an agreement that it's ok to make offensive jokes. If you see a recording of the event and you weren't there the context is lost and thus the intent is misunderstood.
"You are a multi faceted person. You have to take care of all of those facets." - Dr. Brandeis Green saving US
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Let the gluttony begin. Go Cowboys
DT Park City, Utah tour tonight!
Ahh Len...we miss you already.
me: i have a question about your virgin olive oil cashier: what's going on am i in a twitter joke me: who, shut up, who fucks your oil
Follow your heart, listen to your inner voice, stop caring about what others think.
Knowledge is not enough; we must apply. Intention is not enough; we must do.
what's the best reality TV show of the decade?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say "Hello". My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away.
The Kardashian Family motto: Getting black men off since the OJ trial.
If you ever quit twitter, instead of writing something sanctimonious, write "About to go skydiving. Wish me luck!" and then never post again
Child to his mum; "Mummy, what is dark humour?" "Well sweetheart, you see that man over there with no arms?" "No Mummy, I"m blind" "Exactly"
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous... The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
There's so much information now about mental health, but are people taking advantage of it? Take the lead in your life: read, learn, grow.
I took a poll the other day. Turns out 100% of people get angry when their tents fall down.
The fact that there are 1.2 million unemployed New Yorkers and we haven't enacted a rent moratorium yet is *unconscionable*.
In 2015, Chinese billionaire and art collector Liu Yiqian bought a $170 million painting using a credit card to accumulate membership miles and travel around the world for free.
Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his soup? Because one more would have been too farty.
Africans have the best drinking games. Like, the last one to find the water dies
I don't know why women are always bragging about being able to multi-task. It's really just a side effect of their complete inability to make up their mind.
With some wounds you have to rip off the band aid. Let them breathe, and give them time to heal.
My IQ test results just came in and I'm really relieved. Thank God it's negative.
My favourite word is snigger It allows me to be sracist without speople sthinking I'm a sbad sperson
I want mozzarella sticks
Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth. And then they'll be sorry.
PS for those of you who are separated from your loved ones or struggling with this day, my heart is with you —
When your girlfriend is PMS'ing, cheer her up by showing her that "totally weird" text you got from your ex last night.
When my wife was having our baby, I tried to distract her by telling Dad jokes. She wasn't amused. Must have been the delivery.
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex? Micro trans-action
Q: What do you say to comfort a grammar nazi? A: "There, their, they're."
"People will love you and support you when it's beneficial." - Nicki Minaj.
After a bad day at work, I like to relax at home by replaying the days events over and over again in my head.
It's better to say less and refrain from criticism or even attempt to be encouraging when a loved one is going through a stressful time, according to researchers from Baylor University. The best thing a partner can do is just listen.
I have just released my own fragrance. The people sitting near me on the bus don't look like they appreciate it.
Let's settle this! Wing or Drumstick?
What type of sea creature do Chinese fishermen catch? Crust-asian
Fuckin hell Righteous Gemstones is so funny
What's the difference between a casino and a church? You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread. It's a naan stick pan.
My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said "WTF man, it's 2020. You can use whatever printer you want."
Don't get into a relationship until you're ready. Have patience with yourself first, spend time with yourself first and then think about what kind of relationship you want next.
"It always comes as a shock. The moment you realize it's over. One minute you're standing on solid ground, the next minute, you're not."
*smokes fat doobie* *enters hotdog eating contest* *sets Guinness World Record* *gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
When my wife says 'I need to talk to you about something' to me, there is a 99% chance it's not good. When I say ' I need to talk to you about something' to her, there is an 85% chance it will be followed by a fart.
When one door closes another one opens... if that were true, imagine trying to get in the car. It would be like an episode of Mr Bean.
My girlfriends threatened to leave me because of my obsession with flamingos.... So I've had to put my foot down.
[job interview] Boss: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably in the mirror, unless technology has changed by then.
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture. I told her that I am looking for matches.
I hate people who are superficial... especially the ones who are weird looking.
A dad joke so bad, your children go out to buy cigarettes and never come home
The truth shall set you free. I chopped down the cherry tree. Whatever! We lie to ourselves 'cause the truth, well the truth freaking hurts.
When checking out at the grocery store, I always pick the cashier who's most likely to have sex with me. I always end up at the self check out.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian. I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
The sun is out. So much for global nighting.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer. Brrrr it's cold in this doghouse :(
whether u wear eyeglasses or not, use lubricant eye drops for ur eyes. Using the laptop & reading leaves ur eyes tired & dry eyes health
First woman on the moon W: Houston, we have a problem H: What is it? W: Nevermind its nothing H: What is the problem? W: Nothing... H: Tell us what the problem is! W: NO!
What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys? Coach. What do you call one white guy surrounded by 100 black guys? Warden.
A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request. The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.
Having your salad dressing on the side is fine until your main salad dressing finds out about it
In a survey of 68,000 women from 180 countries, 88.9% said that kindness is the most important trait when it comes to choosing a partner.
Love the young and respect the old
Just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.
First date... Her: So what do you do? Me: I'm currently working to kill all cancers. Her: Wow that's Impressive! Me: Then I'll move to Virgos...
What do you call a rough Italian neighborhood? A Spaghetto
While filming "Jackass 3D," Jeff Tremaine, Johnny Knoxville and the rest of the crew banned alcohol from the set to help Steve-O maintain his sobriety.
Why can you only get castrated once ? Because you don't have the balls to do it a second time.
I consider a hostile work environment any office that has a Karaoke Night.
We have had no news about season 14 yet. I can assure you that when we do, we won’t be shy about sharing that information with the SPN Family!
My penis was in a world record book once...until the librarian told me to take it out
Why do pediatricians get so frustrated? They have very little patients. corny
Protect yourself from identity theft by being a loser with no money
Looks like Dean has a nice alliance...or maybe not so nice. Haha. Crap
"We try so hard to protect ourselves but it doesn't make a damn bit of difference cause when the bad things come, they come out of nowhere."
There's nothing more embarrassing than when I respond with 'you too' after the waiter brings my my meal to the table and tells me 'put your pants back on you'll be kicked out of the restaurant'
'The juice of lettuce combined with carrot and spinach juice is very helpful for maintaining the normal color of the hair'
You have no idea how something as simple as a 'hey, how are you?' in person or text can make someone's day. Go ask someone.
A BIG thank you to all our new followers!! We appreciate your RTs, shoutouts, and faves! We'll keep bringing you new and informative content!
Sometimes, even when we find the answer we've been looking for, we're still left with a whole hell of a lot of questions.
[first date] Her: Oh.... who's this that you brought with you? Me: This is my emotional support mother Mom: You're doing great sweetie (gives me thumbs up)
I like my coffee like I like my women. Hot, black, bitter, and pregnant.
Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12... ....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu
What is the difference between peanut butter and a blonde? The blonde is easier to spread!
What sex position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your parents.
No lie, 1 in 3 guys won't wash their hands after they pee. Don't be surprised if you get a fist/elbow bumps from me.
Welcome to Auntie Red Tweet Tea. If you have any questions or want to contribute to the conversation remember to use the hashtag above.
I Wasn't Too Keen On The Idea Of Gay Parenting Until I met my wife, who was raised by two dads. That's when I came to my senses and realized.. NO MOTHER-IN-LAW!
"You gave up on us in the end." - Christina Perri.
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian tells him he'll only lose it.
cop: alright step off of the vehicle me: [propping kickstand] this is bullshit cop: why do you have that on a tricycle
A man calls 911 nervously: "My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." "Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies. There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot. The man then says, "OK, now what?"
I was in a really good mood this morning but then I woke up
When the creator of "Archer" became bored with the show, he included a country music career for Cheryl in Season 5. They even produced a full country album that reached no. 68 on iTunes because fans were surprised by its quality.
There's too much news now. I just found out about the new aluminum tariff from my Snapple cap.
Why would I use a Facebook app to see what I'd look like as a woman, when my wife's make-up and clothes are accessible whenever she goes to work
cop: do you know why i pulled you over me: no cop: [hands me ice cream] to brighten your day me: omg haha thank you- cop: wait is that a fucking body in the back seat
George has real anger issues. Its A Wonderful Life
Ah yes...the old "glass in the face" trick. Never gets old. Oh and once again. Dean Fight. Supernatura I
Vincent van Gogh sold only one painting in his lifetime, a few months before he died.
What's the difference between a nun, and a prostitute in a bathtub? The nun has hope in her soul.
Believing you've had a good night's sleep, even if you really haven't, can help improve performance.
At the very moment, the U.S. West Coast has the worst air quality in the world.
"What's important is figuring out ways 2 reduce discrimination so it doesn't hurt African-American' lives and mental wellbeing" Dr. Nuru-Jeter
working class brown and black folks statistically stand in line longer than any one else. And guess who the majority of the folks who are still working the polls and poll watching are? Yup. Because this country both hates us and needs us at the same time.
"Blueberry juice boosts memory"
I wasnn't allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised. Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
"People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places, like secret road maps of their personal histories, diagrams of all their old wounds."
Me: Hey buddy, do you want to go to the potty? Toddler: NO! I hate the bathroom and NEVER want to go in there! (5 mins later, I'm in the bathroom on the toilet) Toddler (pounding on bathroom door): LET ME IN!!!
Sometimes you gotta forgive them even if they're not sorry
May is National Mental Awareness Month. Please send us suggestions on topics/resources you would like us to discuss beginning 5/1!
Wanna see a banana split? Wait until it turns black and tell it he's the father.
How can you be called a believer if you don't live according to your beliefs?
Verily, the land does not make anyone holy; it is the deeds of a man that make him pure. - Salm
What's the difference between an onion and a hooker? I cry when I cut up onions
For the 100th time, season 9 is NOT THE LAST SEASON. There will be a season 10.
Don't let others be in charge of your mood.
Honour means staying loyal to your word, long after the mood you said it in has left you
Why don't bisexual people have any friends? Because they are all bi themselves
me: i'm completely open to criticism my co-worker: you should probably drink more water me: you should probably eat balls kevin
I'm tryna watch this Loma Linares FIGHT TONIGHT! Somebody invite me to their casa! I'll bring some chelas
When someone bumps into me in a crowded mall and says "sorry", I like to look them right in the eye and tell them "I forgive you".
Me: I would never sell out *BK executive whispers in my ear and hands me an envelope with $5 in it* Me: I love wompers
My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself "I run this house"
After winning the game, I decided to throw the ball to the spectators. Apparently that's frowned upon in bowling.
If Laura Dern and Brad Pitt win best supporting actor I think they should have to go on a date too
Me: Check it out! I'm juggling! Wife: Me: Wife: You're supposed to use more than one ball. Me: Can't you just be happy for me?
I got aids in prison.. Hearing aids. I should've used them though, I might've been able to hear the guy that snuck up on me in the shower and gave me HIV.
"Too often, the thing you want the most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken."
Welcome to your forties. Your extreme sport is now standing up too fast.
to be a donor, contact samantha (Live Donor Coordinator/ KU Medical Center for Transplantation) at 913-588-5049, include becoming a live donor for layne moore in your message along with your name and bday and if you aren't a match, they can still match you to someone else in need
What's the most dangerous animal in Africa? Black people.
Why did the redditor go to the pet store? Because he wanted karma and karma's a bitch. h
If you want to buy a car in Japan, you must first prove that you have someplace to park it.
Look up for inspiration, look down for concentration, but don't just scroll for education.
Blind man walks into a building... ...well at least his Labrador has a good sense of humour.
Appreciate the food your mother cooks for you. Some don't have food, some don't have mothers.
My grandpa's a total perv My mom told me he had a stroke at my sisters dance recital!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When your wife gives you lemons... Make sure she hasn't gone senile.
If you're flying on an aircraft and you hear the infamous announcement "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?" Your answer should always be "Yes". If you're going to die, you may as well die flying a fucking jumbo jet.
"This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase." - Evanescence.
I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay. They promptly arrested me
What was built after the Indian sandwich maker's shop burned down? A New Delhi
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
wash your pillow cases once a week. If you don't, it could contribute to acne acne
I always masterbate in front of blind people because they never see it coming.
DMs are open for compliments and healthy snack ideas. 🙏🏻🌟
Blackout Tuesday is intended to amplify and provide a platform for activists and Black voices at the forefront of this fight. As such, it doesn’t make sense for us to cease being active and so we will be lending our platform as intended. We encourage our followers to do the same.
Why did the stair railing give money to Beethoven? A bannister always pays his deafs.
How can you tell if your moms got Parkinsons? She's got lipstick on her eye balls.
What sound does a gay magician make when he disappears? Poof.
her: we should break up me: why her: because you're too laid back about everything me: oh ok cool
I went to the doctors recently He said: 'Don't eat anything fatty' I said: 'What, like bacon and burgers?' He said, 'No. Fatty, don't eat anything."
I created a show about an airplane hijacking. We just shot the pilot
"I think I'll miss you forever, like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies." - Lana Del Rey.
What's Al-Qaeda's favorite American football team? The New York jets.
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once. It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.
What did the Alaska Native's girlfriend say when she broke up with him? *"I'm just not that Inuit."*
What do you call a musician with no girlfriend? Homeless.
If you're looking for faults use a mirror, not a telescope
Were you and your wife friends before you got married? Do you think that's necessary for a successful marriage? Auntie Red Tweet Tea
I just cannot for the life of me understand tweeting about a 7 year old child's appearance
I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I'm years past 'bare & natural'. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you'd need to prep & refinish a wall.
Pomegranate oil also helps brighten skin stains and scars scars skin
What sits in the kitchen and gets smaller and smaller? A baby combing its hair with an apple peeler
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.
Peanut butter provides protein, vitamins B3 & E, magnesium, folate, dietary fiber, arginine, & high levels of antioxidant p-coumaric acid
I like OkCupid cuz it ain't pretending to be the best cupid.
It's a new month of June and thankfully it is Pride Month 2019 !!! In this month, try your best to be who u are no matter what. Being real is as powerful as powerful could be.
I asked my best friend if he was gay or not. I never got a straight answer.
"He saved me. In every way a person can be saved." - Titanic
There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
"Microwaved foods lead to a higher percentage of cancerous cells in the bloodstream" microwave cancer
Dog brains process speech in a way similar to humans, according to research published in the journal Science. Dogs listen to/mull over human words to understand, not just what we say, but also the tone of how we say it.
Sweating unclogs pores which improves skin's tone and clarity and texture pores skin
If you run in front of a car you'll get tired, but if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted
I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers. But the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
You're going to hear from one of my seminars a few years back where I talked about flirting and touching girls in different social situations. Things have changed since then so my views on flirting with co-workers has changed but I left it in anyway if you want to hear that part.
New CHOLO ADVENTURES drops today at 5pm
As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal." 'Until the pressure got to him.'
Walmart Cashier: Have you found what you were looking for? Bono: .... no
Well, well, well. I guess my silver letter opener isn't so "gaudy" now that there's a rampaging werewolf in the house, is it, Gladys?
Be kind to those who least deserves it
Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted
Why is every gender equality officer female? Is it because it's cheaper?
You are not a failure until you are satisfied with being one
"Oh yes, the past can hurt. But, you can either run from it or, learn from it." - The lion king
The soviet union was doomed to fail The red flags were everywhere.
The break-in at the Watergate Hotel was discovered by a guard who had removed a piece of tape from the lock on a security door. He later came back to find the door had been taped again, and he called the police.
Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their way out.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-morse code.
Interviewer: would you call yourself a hard worker? Me: absolutely. I make almost everything harder than it has to be.
All new episode tonight on ABC 9/8c! RT if you'll be watching!
My wife just tripped and fell while carrying a bunch of clothes she just ironed. I watched it all unfold.
person: hi me: [synapses fire through my brain like lightning, tracing the millennia of communicative evolution that have led to this moment] heyllo
"What happens in the past, is in the past. But don't be surprised if it comes back and haunts you." - The Last Song
Where are dead computer hackers buried? In decrypt.
Optimus Prime means 'Best First' in Latin.
We would all be better off if you lived up to your full potential
"They say that falling in love is magic. So is writing." Ruby Sparks 2012
Several toilets were stolen last night. Police say they have nothing to go on.
I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces... ...her smile really lights up the room now.
What do a slinky and your mother in law have in common? They're both fun to watch tumble down stairs.
I'm watching the umbrella academy on Netflix and all of a sudden there's an earthquake!? It was totally Vanya. That bitch!
Why are most Muslims broke all the time? They never understood the concept of piggy banks.
Hey family! As promised, we've assembled bags of food/supplies for our community. Black Trans folks in NYC can currently pick these up in Queens. If you're a Black Trans person in need of food, read this thread for more info and fill out the form at the end of the thread!
What's it called when an Arabic author releases their latest novel after dinner? Post-Hummus
People who take frequent long, warm showers and baths tend to be lonelier, according to Yale University scientists.
Watermelon is good for the prostate. it contains antioxidant lycopene which helps keep the prostate gland healthy prostate
My girlfriend dumped me on a fishing trip. She left me reeling.
I jerk off roughly once a day. I try to be a little more loving and gentle the other 2-3.
I read that shaving your legs helps you swim faster, so now, I just have to go back in time and convince the guys who hazed me in high school that I was a swimmer.
I've decided to start coaching little league soccer because I'm tired of yelling at just my own kids
Shout-out to all of you staying true to your diet throughout Thanksgiving weekend. I tried but the stuffing was too bomb ˜ Anyways, Y'all the real MVP
As a married man, my biggest worry about getting a vasectomy was that the doctor would botch the surgery, and then I wouldn't be able to have sex once a year anymore.
What does your mom and a rain forest have in common? If you look deep enough in the bush, you might find a cockatoo.
I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me. I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking.
It's weird that my therapy dog has no interest in hearing about my childhood.
It hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying, But here's the truth...the more things change, the more the stay the same.
A. Why do blondes always smile during lightning  storms? Q. They think their picture is being taken.
How do deaf people tell each other secrets ? They wear mittens.
Why did the terminator kill people even after retirement? He was an ex-terminator.
Dr. Seuss was not a doctor of anything and didn't have a doctorate until an honorary one was granted to him by Dartmouth, in 1956. He added "Dr." to his penname because his father always wanted him to practice medicine.
Thank you so very much for all of the birthday love!!! 🎉🎉🎉❤️❤️❤️
What's a homophobe's favorite drink? fruit punch
People become successful by doing what they didn't want to do when they didn't want to do it
I lost the only man I loved to emotional instability. I was a great lover but my "on and off" condition scared him away. Now I am single and just live by this precept: " Relationships ain't for everyone".
Tomorrow's Self-Harm Support Group meeting is cancelled. Staff cuts.
I work at a women's shoe store. Sometimes I tie the laces together... Bitches be trippin' haha
A 17-year-old Kenny Loggins wasn't going to be able to record his song "House at Pooh Corner" because Disney was enforcing their copyright to Winnie the Pooh. Bummed, he told his then-girlfriend about it only to find out her father was the president of Disney; he got permission.
A Cambodian, a Vietnamese, a Laotian, a Malaysian and a Burmese walk into a bar The barman refuses to serve them because they don't have any Thais
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.
What's comforting and scary at the same time? A warm toilet seat.
The good thing about bad things is that they end. The bad things about good things is that they also end.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Call me “El Denté”
"Toothbrushes should be replaced every two to three months and after illnesses like a cold or flu"
Fellas: Don't lose the woman you LOVE chasing after the women you LIKE. You're going to regret it when she's gone.
Over-thinking ruins you. Ruins the situation, twists things around, makes you worry and just makes everything much worse than it actually is
What starts with a 't' ends with a 't' and is full of 't' ? A teapot.
You can't breathe and swallow at the same time.
When you have the upper hand in a relationship, you have control over where the relationship goes and how long it lasts. And when you don't and she does, you are in the needy position. So on this video you'll learn how to gain the upper hand so you get to decide these things.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
two knights fucking would sound like throwing a silverware drawer down the stairs
Ben Hong of the LA Philharmonic is playing over this Kobe tribute. In 2017, Kobe surprised the audience at the Hollywood Bowl who went to see the L.A. Phil by doing a surprise narration of "Dear Basketball'
"I need you. I need you on board. I need you to cheer me on. Because you're the only one who knows me. Darkly. Really knows me."
Justin Wayne is the founder of Wayne Dating and on this previous episode, he is going to show you how he sells romance to the girls he meets, how to create The Super Date, take girls on insta-dates, avoid the flake-zone, get girls to chase you, and be that one guy all girls want.
My cheating Ex-girlfriend just got fired for drinking on the job. She worked at the sperm bank.
Happy BIrthday Kim!
Try taking a break from porn. Watching it kills the natural drive to pursue the women in your life.
Steven Hawking walks into a bar... Just kidding.
My wife says I was wasted last night and honestly I don't think she's buying my story about having to be naked to guard the neighbors porch.
"Big Brother is watching you..." I said to my feminist daughter. "Fuck off Dad, I don't want to hear about any of your deranged right-wing conspiracy theories" "No, not that, I mean I went to change a light bulb in Timmy's wardrobe and found his peephole"
Why did the blind woman fall into the well? Because she couldn't see that well.
I feel sad seeing effeminate gay guys forcing themselves with unease to be masculine. The extreme cautiousness and stiff fear of what could happen...if others see them for who they are... It's difficult but pls...be yourself.
Why did the pig buy flour and sugar? He felt like bacon.
..Milton, 25, was shot numerous times, police and news outlets in Ohio deadnamed and misgendered her. This isn't right and needs to stop!! Say their names. Swipe for a list of black-led LGBTQ+ organisations that you can donate to.
I saw my brother kiss my uncle today. I'm starting to think he's relatively gay.
I live in quite a pretentious area. Even the ducks demand butter with their bread.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN... They become VERY ANGRY.
What kind of shoes do bakers wear? Loafers.
What do you call the testicles of a peacock? His peanuts
"If you had a chance to change your fate, would you?" - Brave
Swimming provides mental health & mediation. it regulates ur breathing. It reduces stress & leaves u feel relaxed & refreshed. Swim on!
I once toasted the bride and groom at a Pakistani wedding. All I did was push the button on the drone control.
Sins are like viruses, it's better you keep them to yourself
Hey folx! All slots are full! Thank you so much! If anyone cancels, we'll let you know!
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party. So I made her and all her friends clean the house for 2 hours.
It's funny how you don't appreciate a thing until you're about to lose it.'
Lack of awareness of the pervasiveness of racism in our society primes us to take mistreatment and/or see it as something we somehow deserve ask dr v
Why are aspirins white? Because they work sorry
Today, we Americans celebrate our independence from Britain while planning our escape to Canada.
How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next to her
"Each ounce of sunflower seeds gives you 37% of your daily need for vitamin E" vitamin health