Atheists do not understand the Bible

Before I begin, I would like to admit that nearly all atheists and some theists will vote against me- main reason one being that this is a bit of a complicated idea because atheists technically "know" more about the Bible, and main reason two being that atheists, according to my experience, resort to insults when stalemated, checkmated or proven wrong. However, to quote Frank Zappa, "It has never mattered to me that thirty million people might think I'm wrong. The number of people who thought Hitler was right did not make him right... Why do you necessarily have to be wrong just because a few million people think you are?" Also, this is my first debate, so if I am incorrect in my grammar, facts or manner, I will probably do better next time. I will begin by elaborating my argument that atheists have tried so hard to denounce religion and made sarcastic or humorous statements that they begin believing them (crying wolf). For instance, take this quote- "The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree." This "argument" has been copy pasted all over the internet by "debating" atheists, even though it has its obvious flaws. It seems to me that atheists are really "crying wolf" if they actually believe this. (By the way, atheists are constantly doing things they accuse the church of doing, such as murder, libel, bigotry, not complying with scientific laws. They also believe that they are "scientifically correct", when the smallest bit of research hints toward Christianity. This further implies that atheists are delusional.) Jesus was half-Jewish and half-divine. To call him Jewish would be like calling the son of a Mexican immigrant who married an anglo a Mexican, which is obviously inaccurate. Nor was he cosmic, as he was quite mundane during his life on earth. He was not a zombie, either- he was revived to peak physical condition, capable of rational thought and emotion, did not crave flesh, etc. Jesus was not his own father- God was. Just because the author/atheists doesn't understand the Trinity doesn't mean he/they should throw it out entirely. Jesus does not "make" you live forever, either. He lets you into Heaven, the more desirable afterlife. Jesus does not become your "master". A master implies slavery, and Christianity is far from that. Nor is there an evil force in your soul, only the ability to choose right from wrong. Jesus does not remove that, but he does suffer for what that ability causes. The tree was not magical, and Satan did not assume the form of a snake. It was probably more lizard-like, or perhaps even it was a dinosaur. The tree was not magical as it was only symbolism for betraying God. If you ate from the fruit, you betrayed God, and that's what gave you the ability to choose right from wrong, not the tree itself. So that concludes my rebuttal to this copypasta, and also concludes my proposition that atheists do not truly understand the Bible. I await an opponent now.