DDO Olympics Storytelling: Round 1

This was an excellent story that I thoroughly enjoyed. Here is my list of critiques, both positive and negative.There was a lot of anachronism. With names like Nathair, Lord Ravensworth, and Gren, the story felt like it would take place several hundred years ago. However, the story takes place in the present, which was a bit confusing to understand at first.The beginning of my opponent's round 2 took place in the wrong setting. At the end of my round 1 Nathair walked onto the road, and then my opponent started round 2 by walking deeper into the Hanging Forest.Later in round 2 my opponent claims that Nathair bought the lighthouse for Maria, although it was stated in round 1 that the lighthouse was bought due to its proximity to the pier. The lighthouse was also described as abandoned in round 1, so buying it so that the whole world would see Maria shine doesn't seem to cleanly follow.My opponent had an excellent way of describing scenes, he was very effective with his diction.Maria's conversation with Nathair when they first met in my opponent's round 2 doesn't seem very reasonable. The dialogue doesn't resemble anything that two strangers would say to one another, and she was far more overtly flirtatious than one would expect. Phrases like "BS" and "Challenge Accepted" also make the conversation awkward given that the prior established anachronism placed an outdated vibe on a modern world, but the chat suddenly became modernized as well.Cardin staying alive felt like a weak plot device. We worked together and turned him into a great villain, but his death would have been an opportunity to introduce new characters. Most importantly, the gunshot was never explained. The wound Gren suffered occurred much later as he was arrived after Nathair and was still bleeding.Why did Gren have a gun? Also, if he was shot after resisting, why weren't Gren and Nathair being supervised? Why wasn't he tied down again? It seems like we missed out on a very important scene and then there was no follow-up by the Virgin Church. The transition felt weak and left the reader unclear on what was supposed to happen next. Gren was dead and Nathair was in a wheelchair with a single pistol. Was he supposed to roll out of the facility guns blazing?I also don't think that Gren needed to re-enter the story either. I like that my opponent tried to create an emotional scene with Gren's death, but I feel that it just wasn't enough. The pace was a bit too fast. Nonetheless, my opponent has an eye for scenes that can peak a story.I really enjoyed how my opponent wrote about Nathair's relationship with Arthur. The events at the gun range felt genuine.Then light pierced the darkness, stabbing through the waters until it cast a pale, shimmering glow around Lord Ravensworth. Warmth flooded into his body, lending him the strength to push through the water. Such a bright light. So inviting. Lord Ravensworth inched closer and closer. It felt like he was swimming through tar instead of water, but somehow, he made it. This was absolutely my favorite scene in the entire story. The descriptive narrative was brilliantly constructed.I have to give props to my opponent for creating this world to begin with. We didn't discuss the plot beforehand, he constructed everything from scratch on his own going into round 1. That took a lot of talent.Although I disagreed with Gren's return, I enjoyed his character development. He went from a bestial character, both in appearance and personality, to what would be more akin to a teddy bear in the end. What I loved the most about this was that in his final moments he retained his simplistic personality with his seemingly meaningless questioning of whether or not there really were women. While I previously said that more could have been done to invoke emotion, I'm glad that my opponent did not try to make Gren's final words excessively impactful. The grace of his death was beautifully done.My opponent can't respond to my critiques, so naturally I wouldn't respond to his, however because we agreed that judges shouldn't vote on what is said this round I'm going to take the liberty to clarify a few things, and he can do the same in the comments (which I entirely encourage!)In the first round, I established (perhaps a bit too loosely) that the cottage with Gren and Cardin was Lord Ravensworth's place of residence. My opponent overlooked this.The cottage was loosely called a home, and you said that it was owned by Gren in round 1.The reason my opponent provides for buying the lighthouse in Round 1 is rather odd - Lord Ravensworth bought it for its location? ("I bought the lighthouse because it stands on the edge of the pier...." Additionally, this conflicts with my opponent's explanation of why Lord Ravensworth bought the lighthouse in Round 3)The reason didn't change. It was foreshadowed in round one so that it could be expanded upon later. The location was the edge of the pier, which is significant because it overlooks jagged rocks and Nathair was severely depressed and constantly contemplating suicide. The lighthouse's location made it easier.If Lord Ravensworth decides to go west the moment he leaves Gren's cabin, why does he then go the beach and wait before deciding to go west again?He didn't, I said it was a daydream. If the decision between which hallway to use in Round 3 was so simple, why did Lord Ravensworth sit there paralyzed?I definitely should have been clearer there! It was due to the seemingly infinite length of the hallway.In Round 3, my opponent provided a narrative for the first meeting between Maria and Lord Ravensworth ("This is when I first met Maria"); however, this conflicts with the narrative I provided earlier in Round 2.I had Cardin explain that your narrative was a fantasy. I thought that the conversation was a bit too easy and a tad bit unrealistic for such realist characters so I used Cardin's test to explain it as such.I really enjoyed (wow, that sounds dark) the suicide at the ending; however, I am not sure if an abstract spirit can commit suicide or how Ravensworth could be comatose, as Cardin says, and yet still hear the beeping. The reader needs to, but in a first person narrative, that does not work. I enjoy it on a metaphorical level, but I question it on a logistical one.Every time Cardin induced Nathair into a trance, Nathair was aware of his surroundings. Even in Round 2 he felt phantom pains and heard voices in the abstract distance. The induced comatose wasn't necessarily the same as what we'd experience in our world.