Presidential Debate: Optimus Prime vs Dumbledore

(The CNN camera shifts to Optimus Prime, who is busy playing hacky sack with the bloated corpse ofHarry Potter.) 88, 89, 90, 91…Fvck!. (Harry Potter slips off his foot and drops twenty feet to the ground. His purple corpse explodesinto a rancid, wormy mush). Did you see that? I almost made it to 100. Anyways, I guess it’s about time to put this b*tch to bed.Let me start by defining a term: “Revisionist Politics.” That means, I change my mind a lot. Generally, my mindchanges until I have the distinct feeling that I have gained to most supportthrough the least amount of effort. It actually works quite well. Remember whenObama changed his stance on Gay marriage? Or when he changed his opinion onabortion? America loves a fickle politician and I promise to be the mostunpredictable, erratic and inconsistent President in history! Can you feel theexcitement? He’s excited. (Points to Dumbledor, who is getting a raging erection from Optimus’ speech). Now, my opponent provided the major talking points of his platform but there’s one thing he will never do. He will never kill Oprah. You know why? Because I killed Oprah. Everybody look under your seats! That’s right, you all get your very own Blue-Ray copy of “Death of an Icon”. It’s a neat spin on Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman”, except in my version Biffbeats the sh*t out of Oprah with a Luisville slugger. Here’s the kicker, we got the real Oprah to play in this film and Biff really does beat her to death. Now, I’m not going to repeat my stance on the “middle east”. I directly challenged my opponent to prove that it’s a real place and he failed to provide even one source, much less a map. I take that as a direct concession. My opponent also tried to “convince” you that I “understood” Viper-King. Well, I’d love to get Viper-King back in here to discuss hisquestion further, but he was late for a 30 hour shift at the Microsoft-Disney-Walmart manufacturing plant in Dallas, China. You’ll just need to trust me; I don’t know what the fvck he was talking about. Dumbledicklicker claimed that I didn’t bring up a plan to negotiate with China. Well, he’s right. I don’t negotiate. China’s days arenumbered. If you don’t believe me, scroll back up to round one. Listen to the Transformer Dubstep music and imagine me kicking a ton of Asian *ss. That will convince anyone! Anyone! ============================================================== Final Pointsrebuttal:Stance on abortion – I consulted with Arnold Schwarzenegger on the issue. He said he was “all for Termination”. He was married to Mariah Shriver, who is a relative of JFK. Therefore, I agree with him. Stance on Campaign Finance Reform – My Campaign Finance needs no reform. I am privately fundedby Hasbro™ Copyright © 2012. Stance on Labor Unions – My opponent is upset about the twinks, not the twinkies. Ignore his rants. Stance on Cuba trade and travel embargo – Have you ever eaten Cuban pulled Pork? Cubans areawesome. Pretty much the only Hispanics I won’t “export” back to Venezuela upon rising to power. Stance on the Israeli-Palestinian conflicts – There is no conflict. Israel will be granted total support in maintaining its independence and sovereign soil. We will ignore all crimes against humanity. Palestine is not recognized by myprospective administration. Stance on torture – Yes. Stance on Internet Censorship – No. Stance on Evolution – I am evolution. Stance on gambling – I am against Gambling for one reason. The term implies that you could lose.If I’m elected President, you won’t lose anymore. Stance on gun ownership – The last gun my opponent saw, dropped out of MasterChief’spants and slapped the wrinkles off his face. Not only am I pro-gun ownership, I believe it’s every American’s duty to be combat ready. I am Pro Guns, Pro militia, Proarmed-religious-fanatics in a Mormon-style-compound-in-Texas, Pro Zombie Apocalypse and for my ethnic friends, I am also Pro shizzle. Stance on Medical Marijuana – I will legalize Marijuana without restrictions. That’s it. That’sall I have to say about it. I know, you have questions. The answer is “yes”. Can you build a Bong into your Ford Escort’s center console? Yes. Can you grow your own sh*t? Yes. Is being too High a legitimate reason to call out of work for paid sick time? Yes. Is it normal to play Dungeons and Dragons while pressure-baking a blanket fort? Yes. Absolutely. Is it a good idea to eat Spaghetti while trippin’ sack on acid? No….that’s not a good idea. You should stop that. You’re gonna ruin everyone else’s trip. Go find an intricate carpet. Stance on Welfare – I believe we should support the naturalist ideal of “survival of the fittest”.I don’t think we should pay for you to live, if you can’t survive on your own. Have some fvcking dignity and take a couple extra sleeping pills. You should be embarrassed mom! Everyone else’s parents work! Stance on government bailouts – I believe we should not send mixed signals. If we opposewelfare, we should support job creation and maintenance. If a bailout allows a companya fighting chance, then I support it. That’s just logical. In fact, it’s humane. I hate Dumbledore. I hate him so much! ========================================================================== "Ok Optimus, your time is just about up. Since this is the last round you can now give your final statements" ========================================================================== Very well then, here is my final statements.... Look at me.... Now look at the boylover.... Now back to me...... Now back to him.... Now back to me.... Now watch me break every bone in his body.....