Presidential Debate: Optimus Prime vs Dumbledore

My name is Optimus Prime. I am an Autonomous Robotic Organisms from the planet Cybertron. I am maximally informed on America’s political climate through the study of political science, constitutional law and contemporary social issues using system of interlinked hypertext documents accessed via the Internet. My political distinctiveness can be defined as Social Conservatism. In order to manipulate your vote, I have sided with the moderate liberal “Steve Jobs” to build my campaign. While he is a Democrat, his fiscal intuition and conservative stance on corporate restructuring makes him an excellent candidate for the vice-executive office. Unfortunately, I havebeen unable to track him down. My GPS navigation has thus far been unable to locate this physical address: Name: Steve JobsStreet: 1955-2011 RIP avenueTown: InmemoriamState: Unknown My opponent will be following in the footsteps of the worst presidency in American History. Not only has Barack Obama condemned America through two consecutive terms of repeated mistakes, we are now faced with replacing a failed president with an elderly pedophile who lures kids to his trainstation hide-away with peculiar tricks and odd flavored candy. Four years ago we had 16 million Americans out of work. Today that number has doubled and foreclosure levels are at record levels. Our national debt has breached the total value of our economy and the average American pays 7 dollars for a gallon of gasoline. America elected a President based on media bias and for eight years you have suffered at the hands of the Democratic party. It is time for change and you now have the opportunity to elect the most advanced race in the Universe to lead your nation. Throughout this campaign my opponent will try to convince you of his superiority. He willengage you with lies and half-truths in an attempt to smear my image. Having predicted this tactic and I will not allow this skinny homosexual to gain an advantage. I will disclose everything about myself to the public. I will be running on a platform of absolute transparency. I am not a natural born citizen, that’s true. In fact, I was not born at all. You see, I was created four million years ago by an alien race called the Quintessons. Sincethen, I have spent my entire life in an exhausting military campaign against aradical evil. I know war, I know suffering and I know what it takes topersevere through the troubles of a fallen world. My fellowAmericans, we are at the shoreline of dark waters. The battle against aperilous foe stands at our doorstep. The Decepticons and Al Qaeda have alliedagainst the free world and they seek our destruction. My opponent is not equipped to handle this battle. His pagan rituals and magic missiles will thwart no evil, nor will it secure our future. Just last week, an Iranian war plane fired upon an American Wizard on a broom, flying 16 miles off the Iranian coast. When I’m elected president, an attack onAmerica will be treated as an act of war, not an unfortunate isolated incident. The American people deserve more mettle in their military than a soft assembly of prepubescent British children. We need disciplined machines of war; we need the epochs of experience that only I can provide. Do not trust the Wizard. He will fvck your kids when you’re not looking. Unlike my opponent, I have a plan to bring America to new heights. I will create jobs in the energy market. We don’t need to drill for oil, or harvest the sun’s energy. I will teach your scientists the secrets of cold fusion and with this technology I will make America the first energy independentnation on earth. Other countries will come to us to solve their energy crisis. I will boost the research and development industry in both the private and public sectors. If I’m elected President, we will cure disease. Not just AIDS, not just Cancer, but all disease. With my technology, it will be possible to rebuild the world in our image and it will start right here inAmerica. You will be the pioneers of a brave, new world. I will end the conflict in the Middle East. With the help of my Autobots, we will bring peace and stability to the region. One way or theother, we will end the suffering and oppression. Even if I have to personallykill every fvcking Muslim myself, just to make sure. My opponent has little to offer this country. Our nation will not benefit from vomit-flavoredjelly-beans or segregation politics. In my America, Muggles and Wizards willlabor as a united people. We will not return this nation to the dark era of separateschools and drinking fountains. If I am elected President, my first order of businesswill be to tear down the Hogwarts School for Wizards and I will bring the wholefascist assembly of wizard supremacists to justice. The time for elitist politics andevolutionary racism will stop here. My fellow American, I miss my home world Cybertron, but fate has yielded its own reward:a new world to call home. We live amongst you now, hiding in plain sight, butwatching over you in secret, waiting...protecting, videotaping, phone-tappingand stalking. I have witnessed your capacity for courage, and though you aredisgusting biological constructs, there's more to you than meets the eye (Copyright© 2012, Hasbro). I am Optimus Prime, and I want to be your President.http://www.youtube.com...