Best Utopia Contest

Well friends, I have to say that after my opponents last argument I would be the obviouse winner of the "Who had better conduct?" tab in the voting. Actually, my opponent didn't give an argument, but instead copy-pasted my argument, and then said, Had enough? At best, I would categorize the above incoherent rant as a place somewhere between a severely bastardized version of Dystopia and Fu*king Hell.My opponent stated in the opening round that "This debate is to be judged completely on who's arguments were the most entertaining" LOL, entertaining to whom?... Yourself? Sorry, but that doesn't count.You've did most of my work here by practically disqualifying yourself from the debate. I digress...My Utopia is calm, peaceful, and without a worry in the world. Now if I can only get rid of that gawd awful tuna smell!Sir, just because your sense of humor consits of calling people bastards, and making jokes about tuna, doesn't mean you have to be a downer. MOVE TO INSANE-VILL. WERE WE WILL TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN!!!Oh and also, the "Dildoes-sure thing" part. Well I apologize for that, but I called your mom earlier, and she said those were your faves. Perhaps she mispoke, and meant to say tampons.....IDK.I would now like to tell you about the creator of Insane-Vill Mithridates VI, to show how truely badass Insane-Vill is. Have you ever heard of this guy? No?Well, he one of my greatest ancestors. I take after him. This guy was probably the most hardcore threat to Roman superiority since the good old days of Hannibal Barca bodysurfing across the Tiber River with rafts made out of corpses of dead Roman citizens and then fvcking everything he encountered on the other side. Like I said, I take completely after him, and surf with dead bodies frequently. Known as The Poison King, Mithridates opposed three of the greatest generals from the most powerful civilization in the world, successfully fvcked with Rome for over 40 years, conquered lands spanning across Central Asia and Eastern Europe with an armada of badass, scary as he1l scythed war chariots. He was so fvcking hardcore that he made himself completely immune to all forms of poison through a daily training regimen consisting essentially of eating lethal doses of poison and then not fvcking dying from it! My ancestor, the Poison King was from a weird, place called Pontus. Mithridates's mom was a Syrian princess too so honestly who the fvck knows what the he1l was going on with that place anyways. Ambiguous ethnography aside, we know that Mithridates assumed the throne of Pontus in 120 BC at the age of 12, when his mom assassinated his dad, seized power as regent, and sent Mithridates running off into the forest to hide before some aszhole with a sword showed up and sent him on a one-way trip to visit his dad. Mithridates hid out in the freezing, ultra-dangerous mountains of northern Turkey, training hard in horsemanship, swordfighting, and javelin throwing, learning dozens of languages, and toughening himself up with one-armed pull-ups, biceps curls, and baconized wheat grass protein shakes. As soon as he was done with his badazs training, Mithridates marched into his rightful throne room, imprisoned and executed his own mother, had his only brother killed by a hitman. He then seized sole power of the Kingdom of Pontus, and prepared to convert a relatively small Kingdom in Asia Minor into an Empire that would rival Rome. Starting with his days chillin' in the forest punching rocks and wrestling bears, Mithridates got the excellent, Princess Bride-style idea of developing an immunity to poisons by ingesting small amounts of lethal toxins every morning with his orange juice, then slowly ratcheting it up to the point where he was bombing arsenic keg stands and freshening his breath with cyanide mouthwash. His obsession with poisons was so intense that the longest-lasting impact of his life is concoction he invented known as the Antidotum Mithridaticum, a bizarre antidote cocktail of 54 ingredients ranging from acacia and cinnamon to duck blood and something called "Gallic Nard" that I really hope isn't what I think it is. Throughout his reign, Mithridates perfected the recipe by testing it out by giving it to convicted criminals and prisoners of war and then seeing if they died from lethal doses of poison. This sounds fvcked up, but this sh!t is so crazy that the Antidotum Mithridaticum was still being used as a poison antidote in England until 1745 and in Germany and France until about 1900. As in 1900 AD, roughly two thousand years after this duck blood smoothie was invented. Oh yeah, and if you think this was all just some paranoid delusional bullsh!t that seemed to be pretty common with ancient kings, think again – Mithridates survived at least two assassination attempts during his 57-year reign. In both cases he had the perpetrators tortured to death, then executed their entire extended families. That is some badasz shiznit bro! This is the first thing that comes up when you Google "Gallic Nard". Already fairly wealthy thanks to his control of trade on the Black Sea, Mithridates hired a sh!t-ton of mercenaries from across Asia and Europe, kitted his forces out with everything from Scythian horse archers and scythed war chariots to Macedonian-style infantry phalanxes, and went to work making sure the rest of the world never forgot where the hell Pontus was and what the fvck he was all about. He intervened in a war in Crimea, ended up conquering the region for himself, then took both warring countries into his empire as protectorates! Next, he kicked the Scythians in the ball sack, destroyed the armies of Colchis, captured territory all around the Black Sea, and married his daughter off in a political alliance with the king of Armenia. He marched his army into Cappadocia, and, just as the Cappadocian army was lining up against him, one of Mithridates's assassins shanked their king in the asz in front of his entire army and the Cappadocians quit the field, surrendered without a fight, and kinda just sat there with their mouths open like dumbazses while Mithridates put his 8 year-old son on the throne. HIS SON WAS 8 AND WAS A KING. That makes me a prince. I think.....Anyhow...When the Cappadocians rebelled against this King Joffrey bullsh!t a few years later and nominated a replacement king, Mithridates had that guy poisoned to death without even getting out of his gold-plated recliner.FVCK YES!! Well all this conquering and non stop aszkicking and slaugtering enemy warriors into chowder with spinning scythe chariot blades understandably got Rome a little nervous, so they eventually got around to sending a guy named Manius Aquilius out there to get this Poison King bullsh!t under control. Aquilius casually rode out there with five legions and told Mithridates to get the hel! out of Cappadocia and a couple other places and settle down with this massacre/killing thing. Mithridates wasn't really looking to fvck with Rome just yet, so he said, "yeah, sure thing," (not literaly what he said, but just stfu) and withdrew his forces back to Pontus. Aquilius, thinking he was the biggest sh!t ever, started power-tripping balls, installed Roman-allied governors in the area, shut down economic trade, blocked the entrance to the Black Sea, and stupidly acted like a total d!ck to the most powerful ruler in Asia Minor.(Mithridates six) Mithridates asked Aquilius to reconsider. Aquilius told him to fvck off. Wrong answer. Ok fvckers, that's how we're going to play it, huh?HERE'S A SCYTHED WAR CHARIOT, FOOL!! Just think, if the creator of Insane-Vill was this badass and insane, then think of how much you would trip ballsack if you moved there!!!C: <>My opponent has not yet even told us wtf his utopia is.<>He has not said why his utopia is better than mine, but has only said I have a sh!tty sense of humor.The resolution stands, and is impenetrable. My Utopia is better than my opponents.VOTEPROSources are in comments.