The Flying Spaghetti Monster and Jesus

Since the resolution is a conjunct, I simply have to disprove either of the following two claims to "win" - as though there is a "winner" per se in this humorous debate... 1) Jesus is the spawn of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 2) Jesus is a better deity than the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Far be it from me to demean His Noodlyness, I shall concede the second of these two points and simply state of His Noodlyness, "May he reign forever, perched on His Holy Colander, justly Pastifying Christians and those Spagnostics." Now... on to the contentions! 1) Both like alcoholic beverages. Jesus was a middle easterner, familiar with only wine from the middle east. Thus, any wine he created would need to taste like middle-eastern wine, else the entire personage at the banquet would be confused and suspicious. However, everyone knows perfectly well that the only wines that go well with pasta are from Italy. Any true son of the FSM would have made wine that went well with pasta. Furthermore, Jesus only serves wine in a couple of places in the gospels. Any true son of the FSM would have served wine every chance he could, exemplifying the most holy drunkenness of his divine father. Also, if Jesus were truly the son of the FSM, he would have rendered more of his parables as being about wine and pasta, rather than kings and servants. 2) Both Displayed Amazing Powers. Jesus never displayed the ability to fly while alive. However, the powers of the FSM greatly exceed the powers of Jesus. Jesus was man, and after a certain point would become so intoxicated as to pass out and be unable to exercise any of his powers. Any true son of the Most Holy Imbiber the FSM could drink as much alcohol as he wanted with no detriment to the exercise of his power. 3) Both Are Around Prostitutes. There is a fundamental difference between Jesus and the FSM on this regard. The FSM, a most holy deity, is capable of maintaining a "noodly" character in his "appendage" while amidst strippers and prostitutes. As we all know, no man would be able to do this, and Jesus was a man. Any true son of the FSM would be able to maintain a noodly appendage, and since Jesus was a man, he could not have done so. ********************************************** Additional arguments: 4. When Jesus supposedly multiplied food to feed 5000, he fed them bread and fish. Of course, any son of the Most Holy FSM would have fed the crowd Ramen. The cook time of the Ramen is of no importance, as any true son of the FSM could have simply ordered the Ramen to cook itself instantly - all forms of pasta necessarily obey the epitome of pastaness as well as his offspring. 5. I cannot, and will not believe that His Noodliness would dare splooge his Divine Alfredo Sauce from his no-longer-noodly appendage into something so comparatively lowly as a mere human female. The very thought is repugnant, violating every strand of his Noodly Gospel. 6. No mention of a "Jesus" being the son of His Noodliness is made in the Most Divine and Holy Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and this is not the sort of minor point that would have been merely left out, such as the type of beer to be served in heaven. 7. There is no evidence of this "Jesus" having anything resembling a noodly appendage. It is said that this "Jesus" was a man, but everyone knows that no man would describe himself as noodly. One may contend that he hid it to blend in with people, but everyone knows no true son of the FSM would dare disgrace his father by hiding his noodlyness from the world. ******************************************* A short refutation for FSM vs. Jesus as a deity even though I've conceded the point: All else being equal, the FSM can perform miracles and exercise his power with a .50 BAC. Jesus, on the other hand, would be so roaring drunk with a .15 BAC that he could not tell his left hand from his "noodly appendage" if you get my drift. Thus, the FSM is clearly the better deity, and since only the best deity should be in charge, he is more legitimate at doing his job than Jesus. AFFIRMED. Ramen.