The clergy should keep their beaky noses out of our Yuletide celebrations

In fact, I contend the church needs to finish the job they so admirably started. It's time to stop pretended. Did the church hijack December 25th? It did indeed! And the reason should be obvious to everyone, including inebriated Yuletide sinners. There is no historical record of Jesus' actual birth, nor is December 25th even biblical. Yet given the obvious miracle of his birth, it must be celebrated, and the church was wise to select a date that would conflict with the hedonistic rituals of its day. The church, so to speak, is in the business of saving souls, and Yuletide is a primary competitor. Offering a competing celebration was a stroke of liturgical genius, as was the added bonus of making people feel guilty during the solstice. However, it is clear the church has failed in the area of maintenance, since heresies like Santa abound unchallenged. Therefore, I submit the following theological corrections be made to the holiday tradition: * Santa Clause must be re-associated with Christ's birth. He should no longer be identified with the giving of gifts to children, since those lil' original sinners need to find Christ on their own. Instead, he should only be depicted as given gifts to Jesus. Also, the moniker should be changed to Saint Cause, allowing the added benefit of associating the jolly elf with the Cosmological Argument for God's Existence. * Christmas stockings must be deemed a reminder of Jesus' washing of the disciples feet, even though that would happen 30 years after his birth. They should be filled with coal to remind us that we all fall short of the glory of God and that no child is "good" enough to receive the gift of grace. It is given, not earned. In light of this, the notion that Saint Cause has a list of boys and girls that are "good" or "bad" must be eliminated. It confuses would-be converts. * Christmas trees should be replaced with Christmas crosses, thereby retaining the "tree-ness" of this particular sacrament but still injecting biblical truth. Decorating it is still permissible. * Poinsettias are a religious disgrace since red is the devil's color and plants are a reminder of the environmental movement and their extreme liberal agenda. * The wise men should be elevated to sainthood since they were wise enough to recognize the Messiah's birth as obvious divine truth. Though the bible is unclear as to how the wise men traveled, the church should communicate that they were so wise, it would not be surprising if they prophetically arrived on a reindeer pulled sleigh as a testimony to modern skeptics. * Holly, ivy and mistletoe should be eradicated as well since it is a reminder of sex. As any Southern Baptist will tell you, sex can lead to dancing. * Christmas dinner should be replaced entirely by communion. In fact, the 12 Days of Christmas should be days of fasting. The church was noble in its effort to distract lay people from engaging in Yuletide devilry, but it's job is not yet done. I have provided just a few ways the church can stick it's nose even further in the treacherous tradition, and submit that in so doing, the world with be a far better place. Since better is better, and what I offer is so obviously better, the resolution is negated and the voters should vote on my behalf.