RESOLVED: It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

I accepted this debate with Logical-Master not because I agree with CON, but because his challenge made me nostalgic and reminded me of when we first discussed this topic 4 years ago - exactly as I was falling in love with whom is probably the love of my life. We are no longer together. I don't really care about winning this debate (as I said, there is an inherent bias toward Pro so I never really stood a chance). As such, if this 4 AM stream of conscious blatantly costs me the win, so be it. I'm going to lose the structured arguments, forget about responding to my opponent, and instead speak from the heart. I've been in love, and I've been madly in love with one very special person. I lost that love. I can honestly say that losing love has been the worst, most painful and difficult experience of my life. My last relationship's demise involved neither a dissolution of passion, nor heated arguments in an abrasive falling-out. Instead, it was my selfishness, my immaturity and ultimately my stupidity and short-sightedness that cost me the most valuable person in my world. My mistakes hurt her, and because I genuinely and whole heartedly love her SO much, that pain amplified back to me. Not only did I have to deal with the repercussions of my choices, but I had to reconcile the fact that I myself did the one thing I swore I would never - could never do - and that was hurt the person whose life and well-being truly and genuinely meant more to me than my own. In this debate, Pro and I talked about my best friend who is dealing with a bad partner, but we haven't discussed what it's like to be the person responsible for causing another suffering. If you really love the person, there is no greater agony. After my break-up, I spent over a year (literally) crying over my lost love at some point every single day. The absolute hardest thing to get over was the fact that everything falling apart was all my fault. When you have no one to blame but yourself, you become depressed. You become self-loathing. You become self-destructive. I don't know if anyone reading this has ever felt like they hated themselves - I mean TRULY hated themselves - but there is nothing worse. You are all you have in this world. You are the source of you. You will always be you and can never not be you. To despise and detest the source of your own person so vehemently is hellish, and yet that was (and in a way always will be) a part of my reality. It significantly diminishes the overall quality of your life. But I'm a big girl. I got over it. Or did I. .. ?Today my ex ad I are friendly. It's taken awhile to get to a place where we can talk daily about frivolous things, political going-ons, and other generic topics of conversation. She's moved on, and currently lives with her girlfriend whom I can tell she really loves and vice versa. Likewise, I am in a new (well, 18 month) relationship with someone I will be moving in with very soon. And I love her too. I guess this would make you assume that Logical-Master's assertion that it all worked out for the best is correct. After all, I can't deny that I've learned life lessons, and my ex and I have both (seemingly) moved on. But that's not the whole truth. Not a day has gone by where I haven't been haunted by my mistakes. Not a single one. This has undoubtedly had a detrimental impact on my overall well-being and especially my capacity to be happy. Without her the blue sky isn't as blue, period. I could be enjoying an ice cream, kissing my (extremely sexy) new girlfriend, or writing a fvcking debate argument on DDO and yet my mind wanders to this person pretty regularly, which tends to completely put a damper on my day or current experience. I think the hardest thing to get over is the fact that this is all my fault. Because of that, the overwhelming sense of guilt and regret that I feel haunts me day in and day out. Rather than focusing on learning from my mistakes (which is the feel-good message of encouragement we feel obliged to repeat to someone who's sad), all this has really done is cause me to obsess over the what-ifs and how-could-I's. While I'm sure this will subconsciously encourage me to make better decisions in the future, it's much too little way too late, and hardly comforting enough to make the loss worth it. Thus far, I've continuously specified that I love her and not loved her. I've lost my love (the person) but not my love (the feeling). I don't think I ever will. Someone wise (okay it was my aunt) once said that not knowing is worse than knowing. She was referencing the human tendency to let our imaginations run rampant usually to our detriment whenever we care about someone. While in that particular instance she was referring to a specific scenario, I can confirm that this is completely true when obsessing over what could have been. .. Now am I naive enough to believe that I could never be happy again? Of course not! Since then, I've dated a few people (and really friggin liked one! ) as well as have the pleasure of experiencing a new love. I certainly appreciate it. I have really hot sex, I've made awesome memories, and I've laughed quite a bit along the way - so don't feel too sorry for me. But no matter where life takes me, no matter who I wind up with, I will NEVER be fully happy. I will ALWAYS be haunted by ideas about what could have been - because not knowing is torture. Someday when I am looking my partner in the eyes as I make my really gay (pun intended) wedding vows. .. when we squeeze each other's hand as we welcome our first child into the world. .. when I'm relaxing on a beach 20 years from now looking back on all that I've (hopefully) accomplished both professionally and especially personally. .. all of that will be tainted. I don't think I can EVER experience anything like that without remembering that it was supposed to be - and probably should be - with somebody else. Now I know what you're thinking: 1) How do you know you will ALWAYS feel like that?2) Maybe THIS is what was "supposed" to happen. .. Indeed, maybe it was destined at the universe's inception that I was fated to this excruciating pain. Maybe I will wind up with someone better than I could have ever imagined. Maybe in a few years or even a few months from now I won't give this person a second thought. That would be nice. Unfortunately, I know better. Am I going to sit here and say that it would have been better had we never never loved? I'm not sure. I can recall several instances throughout our 3 year (pretty much perfect) relationship where I felt so viscerally elated and euphoric that I remember thinking "This is it. This is why I'm here" and, as crazy as it sounds. .. "I can die now. " A little dramatic perhaps, but a genuine introspection about my existential existence. I still feel that way. If I die tomorrow, I wouldn't be bitter. I have been so incredibly fortunate to experience something so profound, so rewarding and so fundamental to my growth and happiness that I don't think there is anything more that I could possibly ask for in this lifetime. I am hands-down a better, more evolved and fulfilled person because of the love that I got to experience with this person. But the fact is, losing said love will have a deeply detrimental impact on my ability to be happy. Had I not had it, I could better appreciate my past (before her) and more importantly my future. The most credible source ever, Tupac Shakur, once said "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive. " In losing my one true love, I know I will never be FULLY happy again for the rest of my life. Knowing the extent of my suffering as only I can truly know it, I understand and accept the Negative position as I'm sure nobody else reading this can. Hopefully none of you will ever be in a position where you are compelled to agree with me.