The game of G--f ought to be eliminated.

It is no lighthearted topic I bring before you today, gentle voters; no laughing matter that one could smile over at breakfast. No, this is a horrible problem, a chilling reminder of the evils that lurk in the dark corners of our civilization. It is an issue that has been centuries in the making, but has reached its greatest peak of wickedness and debauchery (a word which here means "causes small children to hide behind the couch in fear") in our generation; and one that I fear, if not stopped soon, will traumatize our children and grandchildren. I am speaking of course of the unpleasant and unfortunate game of G--f. {This subject necessarily requires me to use several expletives, purely in a descriptive sense; the very name of the game itself is a four-letter word. I ask the kind voter's indulgence in this matter.) ============= A few definitions, just to start things out right: G--f: the game of chance wherein players hack at small white balls with sticks and attempt to get the balls to progress into a series of holes by means of carefully chosen expletives. [1] Eliminated: To be gotten rid of entirely, expunged, deleted, removed from circulation, and otherwise taken care of. Ought-to-be: In a better world, this would have already been taken care of. The fact that has not yet been in ours is prima facie proof that there are better possible worlds. ============= Now, to be quite frank, there are many unfortunate implications of this unspeakable "game;" far too many to cover in this debate. We will not, therefore, be covering the enormous wasteage of water yearly by the vast lawns of the "g--fcourses," nor will we mention the irresponsible use of prime housing land by those same facilities. We do not have time to touch on the corruption of our youth by the hard liquor often available for sale in the clubhouses. We will not mention the waste of precious natural resources poured into producing balls, clubs, tees, carts, trolleys, caddies, proshops, clubhouses, trainers, flamingoes, groundskeepers, sandtraps, waterhazards, and Tiger Woods. We cannot devote enough space to do justice to the evils of the greens fee system. Thus, I will not even mention any of these unfortunate aspects of this shudderingly appalling "game," and instead will address myself this round to only two points out of the many, many that could be made had we the time, patience, or endurance to hear them all. 1. G--f is hazardous to public health. G--f is a very dangerous sport. It takes healthy people from all walks of life out of their safe, airconditioned, hypoallergenic homes and places them in the middle of what essentially is a large firing range. They are then subjected to every extreme of heat and cold[2], tiny white missiles falling out of the sky without notice, every allergen known to man[3], carcinogenic amounts of sunshine[4], traps, hazards, and surly groundskeepers. Their brains are addled by the curse words that fill the air, and their livers are ruined by the overpriced vodka in the clubhouse. In short, it turns bright, promising young people into that dull, ruined, subhuman species known as "G--fers." The worst part about it is that these horrible side effects are not limited to the g--fcourse. These playing fields are often situated by major roads, where the missiles can reach out and break car windows[5] or bean people on the head[6,7, 8]. As you can see by my sources, people have died or suffered severe brain damage from being hit by g--f balls, sometimes even when they weren't playing. Housing developments, horribly overpriced, are even built right by these hazardous places; those that live there have a higher-than-average probability of being sucked into becoming a "g--fer." Clearly, G--f is hazardous to public health. 2. G--f clothes are criminally hideous. This is self-evident; however, in case my opponent has never wandered near a g--fcourse, I will provide some examples. [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] These should prove my point. I thank my brave opponent in advance, whomever he might be, and turn this debate over to him. C. [1] http://golfpedia.com... [2] http://www.lyngsfjord.com... [3] http://www.mrtlabs.com... [4] http://cancer.about.com... [5] http://www.carinsurance.com... [6] http://www.ocregister.com... [7] http://www.monstersandcritics.com... [8] http://www.jvra.com... Warning: The following links may contain objectionable content; like g--f clothes. [9] http://us.loudmouthgolf.com... [10] http://www.chiff.com... [11] http://bleacherreport.com... [12] http://www.blog.ispygolf.com... [13] http://www.hazardgolfclothing.com...