Jokes of any Sort.

Thanks for your quick reply... Nice ones.. Here they come... 1) Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick." 1)A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! " The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!" 3) A married couple buy a new computer and try to set a password... The man slowly and seductively whispers in his wife's ear 'type in "mypenis" come on dear'... The woman hesitantly types it in but then she laughs hysterically when this showed up : ERROR NOT LONG ENOUGH. 4) Blonde walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what"s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken." 5) At the Afghanistan Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?" 6) A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor"s surgery. "Why is your stomach so big?" " he asks. "I"m having a baby." " she replies. "Is the baby in your stomach?" " he asks, with his big eyes. "Yes, it is." " she says. "Is it a good baby?" " he asks, with a puzzled look. "Oh, yes. A really good baby." " the lady replies. Shocked and surprised, he asks: "Then why did you eat him?" 7) A little guy pointed at his mom's breast and asked " what are those mom?" The mom got annoyed and said " balloons" The little one said " why are your balloons smaller than our neighbours?" She got angry " when did you see our neighbour's balloons?" " when papa was blowing them." the innocent guy replied...* 8) A mother takes her three son"s to enroll in school. The teacher asks. Teacher: What are your son"s names? Lady: This boy"s name is Leroy, this other boy"s name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son"s name. Teacher: Isn"t it confusing having all three boy"s named the same? Lady: Oh no, you see when it"s time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it"s time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it"s time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it"s time for dinner and they all come a runnin. Teacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy? Lady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name. 9) A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what"s your problem?" Harry answered, "I"m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I"m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal"s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3"3?" Harry: "9R43; Principal: "What is 6"6?" Harry: "36R43; And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal"s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an "F" and ends in "K" that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong"" 10) A teacher asked a student, "Do you know the alphabet?" The kid said no so the teacher said, "Well, tomorrow you gonna have to say the alphabet to me." The kid went home and asked his mom, "Mom, what"s the 1st letter of the alphabet?" His mom responded, "Sshhh I"m on the phone." The kid asked his dad, "Dad, what is the 2nd letter of the alphabet?" His dad said, "Yes!" He then asked his sister, "What"s the 3rd letter of the alphabet?" She said, "Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson." He then asked his little brother, "Bro, what"s the 4th letter of the alphabet?" The little brother said, "Driving in my bruum bruum car. Driving in my broom broom car." The next day, the kid met the teacher, she asked, "What"s the 1st letter of the alphabet?" The kid answered, "Sshhh, I"m on the phone." The teacher got angry and said, "Do you want to go to the principal office? The kid responded, "Yes!" The teacher said, "Who do you think you are?" The kid said, "Michael Jackson." The teacher said, "How do you think you are going to get away with this"" The kid said, "Driving in my bruum bruum car driving in my broom broom car." And finally... Daddy why do you have white hair? Every Time you make me angry, I get a white hair... Ohhh... Now I see why my Grandpa has white hair.... Moral : do not be oversmart. Thank you... I laughed my butt off...