I will lose this debate.

Thanks to my opponent for her valiant attempt at a Con argument. However misguided and futile the attempt may be, she has certainly put forward some ideas for consideration. Unfortunately, she has made the mistake of thinking that you, the reader, are easily duped by doublespeak and hucksterism of the most shameless kind. In this final argument, I will demonstrate beyond a doubt why my opponent's arguments are easily exposed as the fluff they are. First, on the matter of winning/losing. My opponent claims that a loss is not defined as "receiving less points". This is sheer fantasy and has no basis in reality. My oppponent has a record of 294 Wins, 4 ties, and 13 losses on this site. I guarantee that without exception, the entire record is based on points received. My opponent would have you believe that some (all?) of her "losses" were nothing of the sort. She simply received fewer points. But she actually won. Are you buying any of this? I thought not. Now, on to the real points of contention. 1. Re: I will probably debate someone more experienced, so I'll lose. By accepting the debate, my opponent has proven that my position is correct. Again, 294-4-13 (or is that 311-0-0, it's so confusing, isn't it?) against 0-0-0. She is clearly the master debater here. 2. Re: If I do lose this debate, the resolution is correct and proven, and thus I win. My opponent incredibly takes the position that "if he does lose the debate, the resolution will be correct but he will not win". I dare say, if there was a resolution to legalize marijuana, we can all predict which side my opponent would take! Surely it doesn't require an advanced degree to understand that in a debate, if a resolution is proven to be true, then the proponent of the resolution has de facto won the debate. To use fancy wordplay to attempt to show otherwise is pure folly. My opponent goes on to claim that "what matters in a debate is not what is correct, but what side made the better ARGUMENTS." Well stated, and I ask you good people, what better argument is there than clear, proven correctness? If I lose the debate, I have proven that the resolution is correct, verifiably and undeniably. And you MUST therefore vote in support of the resolution. To do otherwise is simply to state that black is white. 3. Re: If, however, I somehow win the debate, then the resolution is affirmed and I obviously should lose the debate. My opponent asks, in all apparent seriousness: "If Pro wins the debate, then how is the resolution ... affirmed?" Surely my opponent understands that by definition, if Pro carries a debate, the resolution is affirmed. She has offered no basis on which to alter the terms of debate in which a win for Pro leads one to conclude that the resolution was DEFEATED. This refutation has been created whole cloth in the Bizarro World! To win a debate as Pro is a priori to carry the motion. In this case the motion is that I will lose the debate. If the motion carries, I will have lost the debate by the terms of the resolution carried, and thus you have no logical choice but to vote Pro. ________________________________________________ [CONCLUSION] Friends, Romans, Countrymen, As evidenced by her contention that the Earth is flat, my opponent has demonstrated exactly what she thinks of logic and reason. Pity her? Yes. Vote for her out of pity? No. When one decides the outcome of a debate, the only ethical decision-making process is a logical one. It is wrong to appeal to man's desire to witness girl-on-girl action by invoking the name of a hot tv show in your username. Cheap pandering to base instincts at best. I have logically shown that whatever the outcome of this debate, the only logical choice is to vote Pro. Under all scenarios, a vote for Con invokes a risk of a great paradox, one which could quite possibly reverse the direction of time and other unthinkable horrors. We could all be back in diapers by Friday and I certainly don't want the responsibility for causing that on my hands... do you? Thank you, and please vote Pro. Our very lives may depend on it.