Wife vs Husband Round 1!! (Rebirth of an old Series) Black Friday Special!

My husband's name is Stempski. The wife's name is Dinky. No reason, they're just funny names. Scenario Dinky comes home from a long night of black Friday shopping. Her dress is ripped up and her face is smashed in. She has no bags of anything. Stempski is listening to a football game on the radio. he looks up after a moment, as if he didn't notice the door slam, and looks at his wife with a certain awe. Stempski What happened to you? You look like you just got run over by a truck, and then got dunked in a washing machine, and then you were dropped off the empire state building, and then you went into a concentration camp for a few years, and you got twisted up in barbed wire, and then you were eaten alive by ants, and then you fell out of one of those big redwood trees. So what the hell happened? And where's the frozen pizza? Dinky What pizza? Stempski The pizza I told you to get. The frozen one at Super Mart. The one with the sausages, and pineapple, and those little frickin' baloney things. You know, the little ham thingamajigs. Dinky Oh, yeah. That pizza. I forgot about it. I got to Super Mart, and it was Black Friday. You know, that day when everything is insanely cheap. So I just figured I'd pop in and buy a few things, and the pizza, because not going to black Friday is a huge sin. Stempski You're crazy. Black Friday is nothing more than a cheap advertising gimmick. If a fricking store doesn't have good prices all the time, you shouldn't go to their sales. You know there are cheap places, right? Just get me a fricking coffee pot from the thrift store. I could use that. From the way you're eating me out of house and home, I need some nice black joe to keep me up while I file my fricking income tax returns, you lugnut. Dinky I got in there, and I figured I wouldn't be too long. I just wanted a watch, maybe a toaster, you know, stuff that I can't get other times. But I couldn't even get in the door. It was like an ice cube of people, just pushing and shoving and grunting, and I didn't want to go for it, but I figured I probably should. Stempski That's how black Friday is, you moron! It's like the Purge, but in real life. Dinky I really had to struggle. This angry old lady on crutches was walking like a race car driver, and all these babies were screaming. I swear, these hipsters, they're just big baby factories. And it was just a fricking madhouse, and I figured I probably shouldn't, but I just pushed in deeper, into this huge labyrinth of grunting idiots, and I couldn't tell where the door was anymore... Stempski If we ever have a divorce, it's gonna be way better than our wedding. Cheaper, too. Dinky Quit, you alcoholic bum. Anyway, I saw this kid with one of those fake lightsabers, and people were throwing the dvds off the shelves. It was horrible. Even worse, the aisles weren't even normal. The goddamn stupid employees had made it into a big maze, so you couldn't get out until you had gone through every aisle. Why would they do that? It's better to be in a free moving crowd than in a trapped crowd. Oh, god, Stemp, it was something you wouldn't believe. Stempski You're something I can't believe. Dinky I got to the pizza aisle, and in that moment I was filled with rage, because you're a fricking pizza hog, and I knew I'd have to cook it once I got back, and I'd get less than half... Stempski You're pretty smart, you brainless chick. Dinky But the pizza aisle was empty, nothing, jack squat, just a worthless row of freezers, so I turned away, and this fat guy plowed his shopping cart into me, and rammed me into the tuna fish, and the tuna fish covered me in a big pile, and some of the cans started leaking, and the fish got all over me... Stempski Wow, so that's why you smell better. Dinky And then I realized I had to pee, but the bathroom was ten meters away from me, and it was surrounded by a bunch of people dressed up like The Simpsons, and there was a mile foot line coming out of it, and some people were just pooping on the floor, there were chamber pots in some places, it was so bad... so I just decided to wet my pants. To hell with it. Stempski You disgusting idiot. Dinky I got a few things, and I got out of the store, but then this guy in a BMW mowed me over and flattened everything, so I got out of it with only a few concussions and lacerations, and here I am. No pizza, no toaster, nothing. Stempski But you still bought stuff with my money? Dinky Yeah... Stempski The money I sit in a cubicle five weeks to get? Dinky yes... Stempski I've been waiting for this to happen for years. Dinky You're happy? Stempski Yeah, because now I can divorce you and people will still like me.