Instrument jokes

How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo? Write "pp, espressivo" -- How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin. -- Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed? -- How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None; the piano player can do that with his left hand. -- How do you make a double bass sound in tune? Chop it up and make it into a xylophone. -- How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? 1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1) -- Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. "Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time." -- There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time. A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time. Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while." After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?" -- What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor. -- What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major. -- Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright? Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff. -- Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to put his beer. -- The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!" -- What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? A fiddle is fun to listen to. -- How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching. -- How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They can't get up that high! -- What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle. -- Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument? Violins don't have spit valves. -- A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin." His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!" -- Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire." -- "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"