Presidential Debate: Optimus Prime vs Dumbledore

I would like to start by addressing the questions from the audience. Unlike the gray-haired child predator, I am not here to sling dirt, I’m here to secure your trust. In fact, I desperately wish to impress upon theAmerican people that bear no ill-will toward my opponent, even though his campaign manager has sent me several packages with ethnic d!ldos. The D!ldos have been sold on e-bay. All profits are being donated to a fund for the “Optimus Prime Children’s center for victims of violent magical sexual assault by elderly pedophiles.” Also known as O.P.C.V.M.S.A.E.P.. You can donate by tweeting us your information. The hashtag is #oldpervertedfvcktouchedmyson. Mr. Imabench asked an important question. I think the Government should be very conscious of its defense spending habits and I can assure Mr. Imabench and all other American benches, that my three point plan forDefense Finance reform will keep America at the forefront of war-fighting capability without impacting the taxes you pay. Here is my plan: 1.> Eliminate the 48 trillion dollar budget for the Federal Department of Mages and Wizards. 2.> Use the existing funds to upgrade existing military technology with Autobot upgrades. 3.> Save the American People 47,999,994,999,999.00 USD annually. I would like to continue by answering a question from 16kadams concerning his question on gay rights. My recent research into the biological processes of the human species has resulted in a sophisticated understanding ofthe “gay” anomaly. The homosexual phenomenon must be eradicated in order secure the future of the human race. Of course, anyexisting homosexuals will be “grandfathered” into my existing policy of “cleansing” America of its undesirables. One moment….(Optimus places his hand over his ear-piece as if he’s being spoken to by someone). I have just received news that I will not be received favorably if I exterminate the Homosexual. To remedy my error, I will extend the hand of mercy to the gay community. I will create a federally funded “re-education”process, which will allow the gays to change their beha….one moment please. (Optimus covers his ear-piece again. He pauses, sighs out loud and begins to speak again). I have been advised that I must leave the homosexuals alone. I would like to apologize to any homosexuals for my unkind remarks. It’s obviously not your fault that you are "light in the loafers". Your condition is the result ofdeep-rooted issues, which occurred when your Uncle touched you as a child. My current stance on homosexuality is limitless understanding and ridiculous legal reform. I will do my best to confuse liberty and license, allowing the creepy, transgendered man to use the women’s public restroom with your five year olddaughter in the stall next to him. Moving on. Concerning my opponent’s question on abortion, I honestly don't care. Rape victims don't exist. If you don't dress like a wh*re , you probably won't get raped. Probably.. I will now offer rebuttals to my opponent’s ridiculous claims. Bumblef*ck claimed that I blamed Obama for the current state of the nation. I did. Obama was President when China attacked us in 2013 and it could have been prevented if he hadn’t cheated on Michelle with the ChinesePrime Minister’s retarded daughter. I place full blame at the feet of the Obama administration. Stumbled*ck hit the nail on the head when he said that the Deceptacons are draining our resources. That’s why I’m here. That’s why you need me. Perhaps you would like to send the 10 year old wizard into Afghanistanto fight the insurgency. Maybe he will use powerful spells like: 1.> Riddikulus 2.> Stupefy 3.> Rapemebutt 4.> Tikklemanutz 5.> AllOvverYerFaceHaveANapkinTheresFiftyBucksonTheCounterDon’tTellMomSheWouldFreakOut Dumblewh*re attacked me for the aftermath in Chicago. I would like to remind him that you would all be dead if I hadn’t had that wrestling match. I would also like to remind my opponent the Warthog school forDipsh*ts and Wizcvnts did not assist in the clean-up effort. Now, my opponent is trying to weasel himself out of the sex crime charges he committed. He claims that he was found innocent, which is true if you limit your background check to the UK. How about Michigan? My old-*ss opponent claimed that I cannot cure diseases because I lack an understanding of the Human body. I would like to enlighten him on a neat fact. To prepare for this debate, I read the internet. Here isthe proof: http://www.1112.net... Now what, you ol’ b!tch? Next, I would like to break down my opponent’s "Harry Potter and America's military” plan. 1) Outfitting our soldiers with magic-capabilities to give them the ultimate edge Rebuttal: Implies that the soldiers are all Wizards. Muggles can’t fight for their country? 2) Use the private sector to manufacture Halo-like weaponry to arm our soldiers Rebuttal: We all know who really owns Halo. My opponent plans onusing “Microsoft” as the primary manufacturer and distributor of Halo 4 weapons. Yet he accuses me of selling out to Apple. Who’s hiding what? 3) Initiate low-costprograms to train soldiers to effectively use magic and big a** machine guns together. Rebuttal: The last “low-cost” program that Cuntledor implemented at his Kidfucker ranch resorted to trusting the fate of the world with a 12 year old kid. What, like six times? 4) The "Pillow gun" remark. Rebuttal: Actually it’s the P.I.L.L.O.W. gun: P- Fvck you I - and your Mother L - You Magical Cvnt-nugget L - I hope the Mormon Man-God kills your whole family O - I know about your gender reassignment surgery W - Weapon It uses impossible physics and irrational science to remove Magical powers from Wizards. My opponent simply fears the inevitable. 5) Raising the retirement age to collect Social Security.. Rebuttal: My plan for Social security will not change the retirement age, but it will provide incentive for people to stay active in the work-force. For every year that an American citizen stay employed full- time after the age of 55,retirement benefit payout increases by 2%, with a maximum limit of 20%. This makes standard retirement available at 55, but rewards those who choose not to retire with a bigger pay-out if they wait until age 65 to collect. My opponent claims that I would outsource labor to China through Apple. I will not. Applemakes MP3 players, not Proton Fusion rifles. I would naturally use Chevrolet and Ford-Motor Company to retrofit their manufacturing plants. Dumblef*cktard said: ”I am for Gay Marriage, for the legalization of Marijuana, and I am for the legalization of prostitution.” Rebuttal: His Gay marriage bill does call for equality, but it also lowers the age of consentfrom 16 to 3. Gross. His legalization plan for Marijuana requires THC lollipopsto be manufactured with penicillin. Why he puts antibiotics in drug-candy is still a mystery to...oh man. I just figured it out. Sick Dude! His plan for legal prostitution would make America a hub for human trafficking. How moral! My opponent claimed that I’m a hypocrite for saying: "freedom is the right of all sentient beings". Rebuttal: Finish the sentence B!tch! “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings…except forWizards and boylovers.” My fellow Americans, I predicted from the start that Nimbledick and his armored Masterb*tch would launch a smear campaign. Indeed, my opponent has gone on the offensive, no doubt because he feels cornered. Not only have I been able to release his Michigan sex offender file, I have also figured out who Master Chief is. Master Chief is none other than dishonored General Petraeus. Four years ago he was caught cheating on wife with his biographer. Two years later he was in recovery for Oxycodone addiction after he offered oral sex toFlorida law enforcement officer. Today he’s running for vice-executive office.You know what you must do. In November, Vote Prime!