Video Rap Battle: My Ex Is Worse Than Yours

[ FIRST VERSE ] 01) My ex is a crazy Rican - a leethal combination 02) Made my life sh1tty like fecal condensation 03) She used and abused me; Stupid bit 04) Refused to stop booze and snooze cure her blues, see 05) Man that girl is a doozey, one who's fussy and choosey 06) Though not with the pvssy cuz that chick is a floosey 07) Like a store sample, there for everybody to test it 08) Your ex is a lesbian and mine is bi cuz she's desperate 09) She's older too, she's thirty, but she still needs a sitter 10) She's fat and she's dirty, a size thirty would fit her 11) A face like a gorilla with a mustasche like Hitler 12) Cops ALWAYS around; she would get pinched like a hitter 13) But no she wasn't a winner - I've done much BETTER since her 14) My new girl gets me WETTER like Mike Phelps the swimmer 15) So you compare Jess to UPS and that analogy fits her 16) But my stupid fedEX'S motto is: She "lives to deliver" 17) I mean your Mex ex working in the military sure is a joke 18) But mine is on welfare; her job is to suck di 19) See I worked to support mine too - damn, how ironic 20) But the truth is mine works to get Tails to chase her like Sonic 21) She's dumb and hooked on chronic, what she NEEDS is Hooked on Phonics 22) That bitch so histrionic only knows how to speak ebonics 23) So evil and demonic - 4 foot 11 with a complex Napoleonic 24) Clubbing it up more than music: Electronic 25) Plus the sex was sad and she tasted bad like tonic 26) Meanwhile my new girl is the bomb like atomic 27) And we're busy constructing our love so tectonic 28) Yeah she's my best friend but our bond is more than platonic 29) So yeah, where was I, oh - my ex who's surely worse than ya 30) I mean it, no lie, this witch LOOKS JUST LIKE URSELA! 31) Some kind of big sea urchant with death gripping tentacles 32) Hurt me so bad like I got punched in the testicles 33) Yet she had a hold on me and would come back with resurgency 34) Then bleed me dry and put me in a room: the Emergency 35) Man that doesn't seem like a healthy relationship, does it? 36) She owes me a ton of money too but I'm just like "Fu 37) I don't want her kicking me anything unless it's a bucket 38) I thought that bit 39) She still talks to my cousin, and tells him she loves him 40) Spitting more lies than a Fox News pundit 41) Man, easy does it; Damn, please I'm above it 42) Now she's crushing on me AND my new girl - gotta love it 43) See you say your ex is crazy but mine is literally psycho 44) Ran my other ex over with a car, try telling THAT to Geico 45) Almost got me evicted; had to use my rent money for bail 46) Always getting convicted; she couldn't keep herself outta jail 47) Now I wish I was exaggerating for the sake of this verse 48) But you met her - you know that in reality she's worse 49) Than what I could ever say on DDO and not get closed 50) So I'll sign off for now, bb, forget our X'S and hO'S [ SECOND VERSE ] Her name was Jasmine but she sure was no princess Instead a welfare queen who did less than your ex Who eventually had grown to kick her own habits When I left my ex she was still a full blown addict She swallowed more pills than previous semen she ingested Got pregnant once too; uterus pre-deviant infested And thank JESUS she got that poor FETUS aborted It WOULDA been born a crack baby: distorted I'm surprised she even got someone else to have sex with her I'd undress her and confuse her with a sumo wresteler Then I tried to cum but she couldn't get it out of me She whored but me bored thought I'd earned an award from the academy From the way that I'd fake it and make it believable Best Actress in a Comedy: Lwerd the deceivable Betrayed her with kisses so nice; I take lives like Judas Obsessed with knives, I thought that she'd stab me like Brutus You wanna talk about drinking? Well here this just in: Jasmine could out-chug even Brian_Eggleston A man, not a boy trying to play up stereotypes (Panda) Or Charlie_Danger claiming he fucks dykes named Amanda I mean this cocoa loco got me in a choke hold, you know Had me by the throat but the blow had her by the nose, so Yeah it helped her earn her degrees; she musta got them for enjoyment She couldn't keep a job; she just collected Unemployment Then a statistic sadistic she'd commit her crimes smiling Go to court looking like trash and claim "Racial Profiling" I mean how're you gonna dress like a hoe and go to your hearings? This girl was ghetto as hell; even had her name in hoop earrings But it's not hard to see through her: interior's transparent Her exterior so inferior to what I see in the mirror's apparent At 6 feet tall at least your ex is someone to look UP to I couldn't go DOWN on mine either; I would say "Fu Then she'd bit Though I never was; at first the booze just had me distracted Handy dandy beer goggles on made her look like Jordan Sparks They musta blocked out half her body with stretch marks Now you may wonder why I carry around this hostility Wondering why I didn't end this with maturing civility But let me tell you quite literally about her irresponsibility Tried to ruin my new relationship; now she's got no credibility I consider this ill-will towards me and there is no possibility Or probability of acceptability in her lack of nobility I just don't have the ability or tranquility to accept it Her utility's been tested and failed now she'll live to regret it Become BFFs and put the past behind us? Forget it The rest is history, now she can miss me and accept it Now why didn't I break up with her? I tried, but I had to Make up with her, she cried, and threatened suicide too So don't judge me in this as I'm not the one whose on trial Our exes are and I've proven that mine is more vile