Reverse Euthanasia

I thank my esteemed opponent for inviting me to this debate which might discern the best overall consequences for the greatest number. I’ve accepted this debate because I cannot stand to let well-intentioned people misdirect their compassion. Clearly, Reverse Euthanasia is a policy steeped in a light-hearted optimism which has blinded my opponent to the impractical reality of his position. He is seeing the world through rose-colored glasses. I have come here to be his reality check and let him know that his policy is simply a band-aid. It is not a final solution. Though Reverse Euthanasia seems inevitable on the surface, this is only because my opponent has not quite thought this through. I will offer a much more practical and beneficial policy. Gracious Voters, I would like to share with you a story of the Fuzzy Babbling Apes. Once upon a time, there was a small band of Fuzzy Babbling Apes. These Apes traveled great distances on foot searching for food in an indifferent and sometimes hostile wasteland. For thousands of years they did this. Sometimes they were successful, happy, and well-fed. Other times their numbers dwindled frighteningly low for they became diseased and malnourished. They soon threw up their hands and said, “We’re wandering around living by the graces of these offensive and cruel photosynthesizing beings! Enough is enough! ” And so they planted seeds. And later on they dug trenches around the seeds. And they put water in the trenches. This, dear readers, is where all the troubles of the world begin. This was, as some call it, the Fall from Grace. The Babbling Apes ate from the Tree of Knowledge and learned the ways of the world which they were formerly at the mercy of. It was all downhill from there, folks. Happiness for the greatest number be damned! I will argue that the best thing to do to increase happiness for the greatest number is for the Fuzzy Apes to regurgitate the apple they ate from the Tree of Knowledge. That’s right. They need to upchuck it. They must forget all they know about how the world works and once more accept that their lives exist at the indifferent whim of the Earth. Definitions:Fuzzy Babbling Ape/Fuzzy Ape: Self-centered control freaks traditionally known as Homo SapiensTree of Knowledge: Knowledge regarding the ways of the Earth. Things like- seed, water, sun will lead to plant which will lead to fruits, veggies, and other animals to eat. Fall from Grace: A pivotal moment in history occurring somewhere around 10,000 B. C. E. wherein the Fuzzy Apes attempted to take control over that which once controlled them completely- The Earth. Apple Digestion: The current state of the Fuzzy Apes wherein they have knowledge of the various ecosystems and they exploit at will through various methods ranging from primitive to industrialized. Apple Regurgitation: The upchucking of the apple which gives humans their magical ability to control what they once perceived God to control- the cycles of the EarthArguments:1. A. R. is cheaper than everything = argument from costThere is nothing about this that isn’t dirt cheap (ha! get it? *dirt* cheap? ). The reason it’s so cost-effective is because economies only exist with surplus. Through A. R. there would be no surplus and therefore no economy. 2. Apple Digestion is a lot of work= argument from convenienceYeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking. “But Oryus, there are other ‘costs’ in the world which are not money. ” To that I say: A. R. is cheaper in this respect as well. Apple Digestion only makes for more hours of the day which the Fuzzy Apes must work. A. R. makes for the least amount of hours a day which the Fuzzy Apes must work. Very few calories must be used in order to gain their daily calories. As it stands, the Fuzzy Apes toil day in and day out to grow food which would simply grow on it’s own if not for the Fuzzy Apes misguided interference with the Earth.3. Civilization is a free-wheeling, self-serving beast with no regard for life or happiness=argument from moralityWithout Apple Digestion, there can be no civilization. Civilization requires the surplus that Apple Digestion creates. If A. R. is instated as a policy in the world, civilization would fall and thus, Fuzzy Ape numbers would dwindle, creating happiness by the millions for all the animals their atrocious civilization once crushed. Factory farms, zoos, circuses, and fishing boats would be abandoned. Can you just imagine all the cute little smiles on the fishes faces? O, how happy they would be. Also, without civilization, the brutality and number of wars would be greatly reduced as would the extinction of other species. 4. Fuzzy Apes experience happiness too; ignorance is blissA. R. does not require the eventual extinction of the Fuzzy Ape species nor does it require that they continue their own violent, self-serving ways. It only requires that they forget how to multiply their numbers by the millions and thus, disperse into smaller, traveling egalitarian groups. So, though their numbers would inevitably dwindle via A. R. , whatever Fuzzy Apes remain on Earth will be happy because, as we all know, ignorance is bliss.5. Fuzzy Apes are happiest in small, egalitarian groups who live relatively stress-free livesApple Digestion is a lot of work. Fuzzy Apes who are digesting the most apples do the most amount of work and live some of the most stressful, unhappy lives. Kings of the Fuzzy Apes experience the most stress, aging decades within a mere four years. They are full to bursting with apples. Speaking of Kings, Apple Digestion requires hierarchy. This makes for some very sad Fuzzy Apes. The happiest place to be is not at the bottom of the hierarchy or at the very top, but in the middle which, as you might have heard, isn’t doing so hot right now. The best and most permanent solution for this problem is to abolish the hierarchy altogether and have the Fuzzy Apes live in small, egalitarian groups, who have at least three times as much free time as they have to do work.6. Apple Digestion is the cause of the vast majority of disease which causes unhappinessa. Apple Digestion causes surplus. Surplus causes high populations. High populations cause overcrowding. Overcrowding makes for easy transmission of disease. Conclusion: Apple Digestion causes easy transmission of disease. b. Apple Digestion causes trenches with water being dug around food sources. Food sources must be near Fuzzy Apes. Fuzzy Apes poop where they are. Their poop gets in the water. The water contaminates their food. Conclusion: The Fuzzy Apes eat their own poop, spreading disease. c. Apple Digestion causes trenches with water being dug. Many parasitic creatures require standing water for their life cycle so they take advantage of the trenches the Fuzzy Apes seemed to have made just for them. Conclusion: The parasitic creatures flock to overcrowded areas of Fuzzy Apes and spread the already bustling diseases brought up in the aforementioned poop chain. To sum up reasons for Apple Regurgitation:1. Cheapest thing the Fuzzy Apes could possibly do2. Requires the least amount of work and thus the greatest amount of happiness3. Puts an end to civilization which is the source of all problems Fuzzy Apes create for the animal kingdom; greatly decreases the amount of war in the world; ends the Fuzzy Apes continued extinction of species and imprisonment of animals for entertainment, food, and labor4. Ignorance is bliss5. Small egalitarian groups are happier6. Ends Fuzzy Ape aid to parasites, ends easy transmission of disease via overcrowding and cross-contamination7.