GWL_CPA Cannot See Why Kids Love the Taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

I bow towards my great honored opponent, but he does not face a snowball’s change in Hell against I: Slayer of a Thousand Bad Arguments, He Who Stalks the Forums, Great Thread-Ninja of Interception, Fang of the Oppressed, Claw of the Proletariat, and Bane of the Capitalist Dollar-Humping Slugs. Introduction Okay, firstly, I totally agree that GWL_CPA is a dog (he used to be an anthro pig with a cigar, but now he’s a dog). Similarly, I am a cheetah, Imabench is a Pirate and presumably a Pastafarian[1], MassiveDump is a ginger, and Subutai is a shapeshifter whose forms include an equals sign, some dude on a horse, and apparently a bubble tank used for studying particle physics[2]. And clearly GWL_CPA is very old for a dog. Impossibly old, in fact. The oldest dog on record was a mere half of his age[3]. Clearly GWL_CPA has a few tricks up his sleeve. Except he doesn’t have sleeves, ‘cause he’s a dog. I suppose he could be a furry and have sleeves that way[4], but that would probably be too gay for him[5]. And no, that link is not to gay furry porn. Sorry to disappoint all of you. Establishing the Existence of the Undead From MassiveDump’s own testimony[6], we know that he has no soul. Yet he continues to post, to debate, to make jokes. How is this possible? Surely, since the soul is merely the existence of a consciousness, and MassiveDump is clearly conscious, MassiveDump has a soul? Well, clearly this view must be incorrect. Therefore, Dungeons and Dragons. MassiveDump has no soul because he fell in battle against a balor during an expedition to the Abyss as part of the Army of a Thousand Paladins (before my opponent objects that he was never a paladin, I would like to point out that he was actually a manservant), and that balor had a Balor’s Sword of Soul Stealing (a Large +3 vorpal bastard sword[7]). MassiveDump was subsequently restored to health by the loyal members of his party, but lost his soul, and his activity on Debate.Org is an attempt to learn more about the world so that h may defeat the balor and reclaim his soul; though the clock is running out and he runs the risk of reveling in his soulless state and doing great damage to this world. Therefore, the undead exist. Anyone who denies their existence is clearly delusional and may be dismissed, as they deny something as self-evident as the color of the sky (usually gray when overcast). Why GWL_CPA Is A Revenant In Dungeons and Dragons terms, a revenant is a creature raised from the dead, with a singular purpose[8]. It is granted immortality and undead status for the purpose of the pursuit of its goal. This can be anything from protecting a person, to getting vengeance, to doing an act of great good. In GWL_CPA’s case, it is vengeance. Evidence for this includes: GWL_CPA is 269 in dog years. As you have noted, this is an abnormally lengthy amount of time for a dog to be alive. A clear explanation is that he isn’t alive, he’s undead. GWL_CPA possesses a rabid hatred of marijuana. The very word sends him into jowl-shaking rage with saliva spewing everywhere. Also, he barks at marijuana. Clearly this is a dog driven by a purpose. GWL_CPA claims to be more mature than you or I. Mature means aged. Aged can mean, in the context of cheese or meat, to be buried underground or put in some dark location and left there. This meaning of aged applies to the undead. GWL_CPA can type despite being a dog. This suggests that he has telekinesis, hinting at a supernatural origin. Only an undead dog could be so damn ugly. GWL_CPA, as you may remember, claims to have smoked marijuana (somehow accomplishing this without opposable thumbs, as he is high) and eventually realized that it was a bad idea. This is a lie. Rather, GWL_CPA operated heavy machinery while high and without opposable thumbs. Therefore, he died by being decapitated by an automatic loom. While dead, GWL_CPA came before the Raven Queen, whom as we all know judges the dead[9]. Even back then he was a bit of a jerk, so he was rude to the Raven Queen and referred to the several thousand year-old goddess as a tart. That was a bad idea. The Raven Queen brought him back to life, but only in an undead state, and cast Tralqoisiatohoiehroashfaidtihlasoiyu’s Paralyzing Mindfvck on him. GWL_CPA made his Fortitude save to avoid paralysis, but blew his Will save by rolling a natural 1 (and Wisdom was his stat anyway, so he never had a high Will save bonus to begin with), and suffered 1d8 permanent damage to his Charisma, Intelligence, and Wisdom scores, which all have negative modifiers now because, somehow, the 1d8 rolled a nine. GWL_CPA blames marijuana for his current sorry state, and due to his vastly decreased intelligence, he has decided that all young people are punks. In GWL_CPA’s mind, or what passes for it, punks like cereal and cinnamon. Also weed, gay marriage, and global warming. And as we all know, the undead have the eldritch light of the Lower Planes burning in their eyes, and so have no trouble seeing even after the crows have eaten their eyeballs. They can also see in full-color, which was rather nice for GWL_CPA, who, after all, was a dog. On The Best Way To Defeat Punks In GWL_CPA’s mind, the best way to defeat punks is to poison them. This is because punks are scary, wear hoodies, and talk like gangstas. GWL_CPA feels nervous around punks. Especially when they’re black or Hispanic[10]. Best to destroy them without every getting too close. They might flip him off, or, because all gays are punks, they might recruit him and turn him gay. Punks like cereal and cinnamon. This is common knowledge and I should hope I do not have to make this obvious for my opponent. Therefore, best to poison their cereal. To do that he has to have an understanding of why kids (who are all punks) like certain cereals; if he did not have this understanding he could not decide which cereals to poison as effectively. While he could analyze statistics, GWL_CPA is not very smart and therefore does not trust any statistics except for those he gathers himself, because he’s convinced that he has ‘experience’ and is therefore superior. Therefore, GWL_CPA can see why kids like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. References: http://en.wikipedia.org... http://covertress.blogspot.com... http://www.omg-facts.com... http://raxkiyamato.deviantart.com... http://www.visi.com... http://www.debate.org... http://www.angelfire.com... http://en.wikipedia.org... http://en.wikipedia.org... http://www.debate.org...