Parody Election 2

"What the hell is a condom?"A condom is what Satan uses to seduce young people into sin. ABSTINENCE IS THE WAY TO GO PEOPLE!1) Hard Times"Since I was six years old I have been forced to carry a pistol at all times, never ask questions, and pull someone’s head off if I need to."I was in the Hitler Youth as a kid, I experienced the same stuff"I have also survived a 6 mile fall, a nuclear warhead (I personally detonated it), and I have saved you, the human race, four times."God has saved the human race countless times.... So theres that" If that doesn’t show I care enough about my country to be a good president, then I’m not sure what does."It takes more then just killing everything you see to serve the United States. You got to feed the poor, clothe the needy, and preserve marriage as the Church defines it. Between ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN.What we need to do is have faith in God that times will get better and let everything work itself out. We shouldnt try to change fate by using the government to bail out banks and companies and stuff, we can only go with it and be happy for what we already have, because the United States is a fortunate country with many people who are lucky to have what they have. Not all is lost my faithful, we must persevere and simply wait for this whole mess to sort itself out, because God has a plan for everything. 2) What I'll do"if you want something killed, you’re going to have to kill it yourself"No no no. If you want to kill someone, ask God what to do, and he will steer you on the right course. It worked for Adam Lanza right?"I’m completely pulling the government out of everything, and every man, woman, and child, gets their own shotgun."'Pulling out' is also an unholy act... Pre-maritial sex is nothing to condone mr Master Chief...What I propose is keeping everything the same because thats worked out pretty well so far right? But I will advocate shutting down the Westboro Baptist church.... I use to be the Pope and even I think those people are f*cking insane...3) About my opponent"he won’t even let you shoot somebody! I also heard he’s anti-crack, and with my PTSD, that sh*t ain’t gonna fly by this super soldier"I dont think this country needs a nuclear warhead fanatic, gun-crazy, crackhead as president.... We already had that with Bush and he got us into this mess....I am a man of faith, and I have faith in this great country and I have faith that this country can be great again by getting back to its roots. 4) "Why you should vote for me"" my penis’s physically shriveled state makes it impossible for me to be horny"Nigga please, if having a shriveled old penis could stop people from having sex then the Catholic Church wouldnt have any problems at all!.... I myself have experienced turning my shriveled old whing-bang-boodle into something as hard as the cross that Jesus was crucified on.... Hell Ive even baptized children with it too, Not that that matters or anything. "everything I have ever said is true, mainly because I have only ever said yes sir"And that is what makes us different... Masterchef has only ever taken orders from people, Im the only one who has actually taken the leadership role on something. "Ever since my release the lowest IGN score I have received is an 8, and that is only because f*cking Microsoft decided to remake what was already perfect."I used to say that kids should turn in their playstations for a PRAY-station.... But the graphics were terrible so I moved on from that. You kids do whatever you want with video games I couldnt care less.Besides, I feel kinda bad for masterchief.... It must be hard being a video game character in a game that always gets wrecked by every Call of Duty game ever made ;)By the way kids, if you want my xbox gamer tag so that we can play CoD MW2, its 'touchingyouinyoursoul'"That is the reason I am personally codemning every Microsoft employee to death. Also Justin Beaver." - 1 - Its spelled 'Bieber' - 2 - I agree that little f*cker has to go too - 3 - Microsoft is the only reason why people can still play good games on their personal computers. You think people can pull that kind of stuff with a Mac? LOL please.... 5) In conclusionI know I was a part of an organization that is associated with corruption, pure evil, and has a history of causing a lot of sh*t with Jews..... But I left the Hitler Youth long ago to go to something that had none of those things, the Catholic Church! :D That didnt work out really so I came here to America and now im running for president. Vote for me!