My opponent cannot write better romantic comedy than me

Chapter Two Some years previous an Italian immigrant called Ronaldo Donaldo opened a restaurant in Luton's High Street which quickly became very popular with the locals who craved his exotic spaghetti and meatballs.One day a travelling circus came to town and, while the circus owner was in the pub with the clowns and acrobats, the exhibits from the freak show broke out. When one of the escapees, The Hideous Fat Hag from Hamburg, caught the scent of Ronaldo's meatballs on the breeze she followed it to Ronaldo's restaurant and burst into the kitchen looking for the source of the delicious odour.As Ronaldo and the chef tried to wrestle the freak out of the kitchen a tray of uncooked meatballs got knocked to the ground and were trampled upon.After they had finally managed to eject The Hideous Fat Hag from Hamburg from the premises, Ronaldo looked at the flattened meatballs on the floor in dismay. However, Ronaldo was a resourceful and thrifty man so he rinsed them off, fried them and served them in buns with some tomato relish and sautéed onions. He named his creation "Hamburg sandwiches" in tribute to the fugitive circus freak who inadvertently led to their invention, and they soon became the most popular item on the menu.The morning after the night before, Montmorency's carriage pulled up outside Ronaldo's restaurant, and Tracey alighted there, having been given a purse of silver coins with instructions from the Baron to "treat herself to something pretty." Montmorency himself had business to attend to and he ordered his chauffeur to drive on.Before going shopping Tracy decided to have brunch and she took a seat in Ronaldo's restaurant and ordered a Hamburg sandwich, some French-style fried potatoes and a large tincture of cocaine-infused vegetable extracts to wash them down with.As she consumed her meal she mused on the previous night's proceedings. Montmorency had certainly been all the lover she had hoped he would be: he was strong and passionate, tenderly kissing her fulsome breasts before bending her over and smashing her back door in; Tracy was practically frothing at the gash just thinking about it.Presently, Tracy left the restaurant and began browsing the shops in search of a new dress, some new shoes, a new hat and a new handbag to go with them. As she was gazing through the window of an up-market ladies outfitters someone placed their hand on her shoulder and brusquely turned her round."Well," said the uncouth, unshaven, disreputable-looking man, "look who it is."Tracy recognised him instantly, it was Eddie Flange, the local gash-broker, and her former employer. She she was mortified.Sadly, Tracy came from a very poor family and when she was sixteen her father put her on the game in order help pay the bills. It was a tough life, and Eddie used to keep most of her earnings himself and knock her about if she didn't turn enough tricks. For this reason she was delighted when she was old enough to get a job as a serving wench and so say good-bye to this tyrannical tart-farmer for ever. Or so she thought."You've got a nerve showing your face round here," continued Eddie, "When you done a runner it cost me a lot of money, you bitch. Well, nobody stitches Eddie Flange up, you're coming with me, you cheap whore," and he grabbed Tracy by the arm and dragged her off down the street.Tracy protested and screamed but as they passed the tavern, a distinguished gentleman emerged from inside and confronted Eddie."Unhand that woman, this instant," demanded Montmorency, for it was he, "or I shall have my man horse-whip you to within an inch of your life.""And who might you be, sir?" asked Eddie in response, "this ain't none of your business, is it?""It is my business," replied Montmorency, "because that lady happens to be my bird, and who might you be, peasant?"Tracy's heart sank. She suspected that if Montmorency discovered that she used to be a prostitute it would spell the end of their relationship. Indeed, she thought the game might have been up last night when he remarked that she had a minge like the top of a rubber boot and that he may as well open the window and f*ck the night, and for that reason, he would take her from behind instead, but she had managed to convince him that the reason she had growler like a wizard's sleeve was because she liked to ride horses bareback as a girl.Tracy looked at Eddie imploringly, desperate that he should not give her away. Then an idea occurred to her and she looked down at her purse of silver and she jangled it, hoping he would get the message she was trying to convey to him.