dirty joke battle

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!" A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!" A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!" Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!" A man went into the public toilets to relieve himself. The first cubicle was in use, so he went into the next one. As he took down his trousers, he heard a voice from the other cubicle."Hey, hows it going?"Not wanting to be rude, he replied, "Not too bad thanks."A few seconds later, he heard the voice again."What are you up to?"Somewhat reluctantly, he replied, "Having a quick sh*t, what about you?"He heard the voice again."Hold on, I'm going to have to call you back. There's some wise a.ss in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say!!Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Shelly. Shelly was very girly and liked wearing pretty skirts. She wore skirts every day.One day at school, a young boy named Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym. So Shelly did.When Shelly got home, she told her mom about her day, and included the part about the jungle gym."Shelly, don't do that. He might just be trying to look at your underwear." said her mother.What the big deal was, Shelly didn't understand.The next day Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym again. So she did.Shelly again told her mother about her day, including the jungle gym moment."Didn't I tell you, young lady?" fumed her mother. "He just wants to see your underwear!""But Mommy, I tricked him," said Shelly. "Today I didn't wear any underwear!"After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighterUnable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand."There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.Naturally, the guy began to worry."Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously."No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him."Your boyfriend then?" he asked."No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear."Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."Little Susie is at Sunday school. She is always sleeping during class. One day the teacher was asking questions and she picked Susie asking her "Susie, who created the universe?" behind Susie was little Jimmy and to the rescue Jimmy poked Susie in the *** with a pencil and little susie yelled "OH GOD!" the teacher said good Susie then she fell asleep. Later the teacher called Susie again. "Susie who's are lord and savior?" once again to the rescue Jimmy poked Susie in the *** with a pencil and little Susie yelled out "JESUS CHRIST!!" good Susie said the teacher. Then Susie went back to sleep later on again the teacher ask Susie another question "Susie, what did eve said to Adam after having their 23rd child? Once again little Jimmy stabbed Susie in the *** then suise yelled out "IF YOU JAB THAT INTO ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!! the teacher fainted!