Short story battle! (2)

Cliche I am an Unlikely Hero. I am the subject/soon-to-be hero of this short story. However, for now, I will be portrayed as a typical high school schmuck who is socially clumsy and has an almost obsessive crush on a popular, gorgeous girl who’s WAY out of my league. I will also introduce the setting in a typical first person format. I will garner some sympathy but also be humorous because I’m an average teen as the author will point out again. Now I’ll just shut up and allow the story to continue. I got off the school bus, heading home, but not before tripping and falling on the uneven sidewalk because, you know, I’m an Average Joe. After collecting my things and continuing down the road, my Upbeat Best Friend Who Will Most Likely Die in the Climax approached me. He said to me, “Yo man. You still trying to go out with that perfect in every way Mary-Sue archetype? Man, that’s so funny, I might have to crack a lame joke because I’m quirky and upbeat.” Me, being the cynical nobody that I am, I said “Go away. I’m in NO mood. Why don’t you go hang out with our Stereotypically Hip Black Friend?” Before he could utter another charmingly stupid wisecrack, I stormed off to my house. I quickly said hello to my Conveniently Busy and Neglectful parents before they had to go to work, because all business people never have time for their families or loved ones. I decided to go on Facebook before going up to my room for homework, because, you know, ALL teens have Facebooks. I spent about 5 minutes sadly staring at the object of my affection before going upstairs. When I walked into my room and flopped onto my bed, I was humorously and surprisingly greeted by a Wizard or Genie or Some Other Typical Powerful Good Guy that’s Obviously Double-Crossing the Protagonist. I shouted, “Who the FVCK are you!” because teens ALWAYS swear. He answered, “My name is boring and forgettable, but that’s not why I’m here. A Stereotypical Villain has kidnapped your crush and the great McGuffin!!! I need you to go get it, rescue your crush, defeat the bad guy, and bring back the McGuffin to me.” “But I’m just a socially awkward high school student! What good could I do?” I replied. “It’s not who you are, it’s what you do,” said the Wizard/Genie. I said, “Wow, that was such a played out statement that it has somehow motivated me. One McGuffin, coming up!” As I prepared my for my journey to the Evilly Remote Castle, my Upbeat Best Friend found out, and insisted he come with me. I, for some reason, let him. We somehow travel to the Castle, and fight through waves of henchmen until we encounter the extremely underdeveloped Villain. He somehow gains control of the battle before giving a lengthy speech, giving us enough time to defeat him. My friend grabs the McGuffin while I untie the girl, who has now fallen in love with me for saving her. Our trio headed back to the Wizard/Genie with the McGuffin. At this point, the plot’s moving very quickly in a rush to finish the story. The Wizard/Genie takes it, then announces dramatically that HE was the Bad Guy the whole time. We all gasp, because, holy sh1t, we never saw it coming. The new Bad Guy then killed my Friend. I was COMPLETELY shocked, even though the reader knew that would happen. While I’m upset, my feeling of loss reminds me of the Bad Guy’s big weakness! I whistle, summoning a GIANT Deux Ex Machina that swoops down, killing the Villain and protecting the McGuffin. My Girlfriend then started making out with me, leaving the reader with two things: one, the moral that as long as you keep obsessing over your crush, she’ll eventually love you, and two, the feeling that they just died a little on the inside after having read such a clichéd short story.