I would make a better Christian televangelist than my opponent

Jewing gullible people out of their hard-earned cash using the age-old, tried-and-tested televangelism scam is as easy as taking candy off a baby. That's why I have decided to become a pastor and what follows is the transcript of my first fundraising television commercial. I believe it will be superior to my opponent's. I hope you agree and vote in my favour in this one-round debate. ""Welcome fellow followers of the world's foremost faith - yes, that's right - good old Christianity! I am Brian Eggleston: lay preacher and amateur gynaecologist. My sermon today discusses the importance of demonstrating your faith in Christ through supporting my hard work to promote Christianity in the international arena. Praise the Lord! You see, the sad fact is that there are several Shamans in the Seychelles, many Maoists in Monte Carlo, hundreds of homos in Honolulu, scores of savages in Saint Tropez, a plethora of pagans in Portofino and hordes of heathens in Hong Kong: all of whom need enlightening. Furthermore, in the past I have come across many nubile young lesbians on the nudist beaches of the Greek Island of Lesbos and I would like to come across a few more in my endeavour to cure them of their affliction. Hallelujah! Referring to the Holy scriptures, the Bible tells us that approximately thirteen and a half billion years ago God spent Monday through to Saturday creating the Universe. After all that hard work He understandably decided to take Sunday off to rest. Actually, He took not only took Sunday off but the rest of the week as well. In fact, God's been off work ever since, but I expect He is probably suffering from some sort of work-related stress disorder so we shouldn't judge Him too harshly. Amen. However, what this means is that God doesn't have the motivation or energy to go around the universe demonstrating unequivocally to all the intelligent life forms that He is the one and only divine ruler of all creation. That's why He delegated the task of enlightening His creations to His son. And so, around two thousand years ago, as part of his epic tour of the Universe, the prophet the ancient Hebrews called Rabbi Yeshua Massiah, and who we call Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth, visited our humble planet in order to stamp his father's authority on mankind by overturning market stalls, withering fig trees and so on and so forth. Praise the Lord! However, there are around three hundred billion solar systems in our galaxy alone, and with there being at least two hundred billion galaxies in our observable universe, Jesus obviously can't spend too long on any one planet. Amen. So after about thirty years he departed Earth, presumably to perform his famous 'Water-into-Wine and Other Amazing Tricks' act at a series of gigs in other interstellar venues. Hallelujah! But Jesus' work was not complete when he left. In fact, Jesus only managed to convince a few hundred people of his divine parentage. Amen. In the Bible it says something like "And Jesus did journey to the Sea of Galilee unto where many people had gathered on the beach to swim and sunbathe because it was a such lovely sunny day". 'And Jesus did wander amongst the throng and he did address anyone who would listen to him. And he said 'Yes, honestly, my dad is an all-powerful deity. No really, He is, and his name is God. in fact there are no other deities - those deities that all the Egyptians and the Romans and the Greeks worship are just mythical. Okay, if you don't believe me, I'll prove it to you. I see many of you have forgotten to bring packed lunches today. Well don't worry, I'll back with a nice surprise for you.' 'And Jesus did go up onto the seafront promenade where there were many takeaway stalls and he did come back to the beach with five thousand bags of fish 'n' chips - some with mushy peas, some with curry sauce and some with just salt and vinegar upon them. And Jesus did look up to Heaven and bless the food and he gave it to the disciples to set before the multitude because he couldn't be bothered to distribute them himsaelf'." Even so, most people at the time just thought he was some sort of crank and, sadly, even today, the vast majority of the world's population do not follow Christ's teachings. So there is a lot of work still to be done to convince the rest of mankind to convert to Christianity, but I am happy to dedicate myself to the service of the Lord Almighty in this respect, at least on a part-time basis. However, missionary work is expensive. That's why I am appealing to you for financial help so that I may spread God's word around the world. Donations are tax-free so every penny I receive will go to straight to the cause. Just $500 will fill the tank of my Lamborghini with fuel, thus helping me to spread the Lord's Good News far and wide. Meanwhile, as little as $5 million will buy me an executive jet which will enable me to spread His divine message even further and faster. Hallelujah! Giving money to help finish the job that Jesus failed to finish is your only path to salvation but please remember that if you don't give me any cash you are going to burn in Hell for all eternity. So to set up regular direct payments into my bank account please call 1-800 YOU SUCKERS or to make a one-off donation by credit card please call 1-800 NEW LEARJET, The job can't wait so please call now! God bless you. [Voiceover] "Eggleston's Ecclesiastical Enterprises is a Limited Liability Company registered in the Cayman Islands which is regulated by the Financial Services Authority of The Democratic People's Republic of North Korea. You are duly advised that your place in Heaven may be at risk if you do not keep up regular payments.""