Sarcastic Presidential Debate

(You... realize that this is a humor debate, right? Oh well.) Opening StatementOne day, I was taking a walk through the cold, hard, dangerous streets of downtown Aberdeen, South Dakota. I looked to my left and saw a white kid on the curb of the road, crying because he didn't have an iPad. To my right was a gang. Of hipsters. And it was then when I realized I was hungry. So I went to Taco John's. While eating my delicious churro, I had a sudden realization of what YOLO really meant. I'm only going to live once, so I should run for president of the United States. And I, Senator Massive H. Dump, wish to be your president.And somehow you idiots put me through the primary.So since I'm here, I would like to take this time to explain my three-point plan:1. Peaceful Equestrian Society2. Revolutionary Colonization of the Moon3. Destroy North KoreaI will then explain why Lannan specifically would be a bad president.Peaceful Equestrian SocietyFirst, let me explain what Peaceful Equestrian Society is. It is a society based on the magical land of Equestria, where talking ponies live together in peace and harmony. Now I'm not even remotely hinting at genetically mutating my citizens into talking ponies, I'm just using Equestria as a basis for my new American society.Education and workforce in Equestrian America is simple. One will go to school for primary education until they discover their true natural talent. Their talent then being discovered, they may enter education more appropriate to the field that they were destined to be in.With a scheduled "Winter Wrap-Up Day", Spring and its warm weather would always arrive on time, as our citizens would play their part to clear snow and warm up temperatures with magic and my iron fist and sh!t.I am not a tyrant, if that's what you're thinking.As for foreign policy, there will be no other nation but us because everyone will want to be a part of our pony-like friendship society, except maybe North Korea. Which is why we'll destroy them, but I'll get to that later.Revolutionary Colonization of the MoonWho doesn't want to go the moon, right? That would be balls off the walls. Besides, overpopulation is a serious issue and it will only get more serious as time progresses. There is plenty of room on the moon, you know.Other moons can be colonized, too. It's said that Europa can even support life. We could plant stuff there and sh!t.We also no longer would have to waste our precious money on imported bouncy castles. The world will be our bouncy castle. Evil laugh.I'm not a flipping tyrant. North Korea.Destroy North KoreaIt has come to my attention that North Korea has negative intentions toward the United States and my kickass Equestrian Society. We as a nation should do the right, peaceful thing and blow them to Shanghai.And now for you, Senator Lannan.[http://www.debate.org...] Seen here is me serving you in a Rap Battle.America, do you want a bad rapper sitting in the White House? Dah-no. You don't. A Few Extra Things...Free crinack for all Americans.Every american will recieve fifty cents for no reason.A free pony for absolutely everyone.All gingers will be required to register.ConclusionAmerica, It's time to make the right decision. A decision for peace, happiness, and freedom from Sentor Peepants over there.Massive H. Dump.Eat your vegetables.