Don't keep up with the Joneses!

This is intended to be a humorous debate. I’d appreciate humorous arguments, although I’ll obviously allow serious arguments. You may have heard of the phrase ‘Keeping up with the Joneses’. For those who don’t know, it refers to the comparison to a neighbour as a benchmark for the accumulation of various things. Confused? Let’s simplify it further. Essentially, if your neighbour owns a Ferrari then to ‘keep up’ with them you’ve got to own one. Now, you all probably think it’s a great idea to keep up with the Joneses (assuming you have millions spare), yet you don’t know the truth. You’ve never heard the REAL origin of the phrase, and this is due to the meddlesome actions of a certain family... Today, we uncover the lies! I’ll show why it’s a bad idea to keep up with the Joneses. Let’s begin with a recent situation where Mr. Jones’ (in this case a decent Jones) son killed Mr. Pritchard’s son. They’re both gentlemen, and decided to discuss the case after the conviction of Mr. Jones’ son. “Welcome Mr. Pritchard! It’s a pleasure to see you. Please, come in.” “Thankyou Mr. Jones, it’s always a pleasure to sit down and settle murder disputes over tea and biscuits. Say, do you have scones by any chance?” They sat down. “Sorry Mr. Pritchard. You must understand, I was rather expecting more a quenching the thirst type given your recent traumatic experience.” “I see. No matter. I understand your son’s traumatic experience. It’s a shame that he couldn’t talk about it with my son, a good fellow.” “I think he was talking about it with your son when he shot him actually. But yes, the law doesn’t do the perpetrators justice. My son would never hurt a fly.” “Well, be that as it may, he was willing to shoot people.” “Well, as my son’s lawyer said, that’s a minor semantic point.” “I suppose. Could I have some earl grey tea please?” “Certainly Mr. Pritchard.” Mr. Jones soon returned with the tea. Mr. Pritchard took a sip, while Mr. Jones talked. “You know, my son will be missed.” “You mean from the force?” “Yes. Lets recount a part of the court case aftermath for your benefit.” The police commissioner was answering journalists. “Commissioner, what do you have to say about this case?” asked a journalist. “Well, it was clear that Mr. Jones was guilty of 5 counts of sexual assault, 1 count of child abuse and of murdering the honourable Jet Pritchard. Nevertheless, he was a very hard working fellow in his job in investigating traffickers. It’s a shame that he didn’t become our Chief Child Protection Officer.” Back to the fathers. “I see Mr. Jones. What your son must have lost through that harrowing trial!” “I know. More tea and biscuits?” “Indeed.” So I ask, do you want to be ‘keeping up’ with a murdering, assaulting wretch? Furthermore, it’s exceedingly obvious that the son paid off the commissioner to put in a good word, and it’s bad to keep up with bribes. What if this is just a single situation though? Let’s go through another dastardly case of the Jones showing their true colours! It’s a beautiful evening, and the gentlemanly Frederick Roux is with the wondrous Clara Leveque. “Oh Clara, your eyes are like roses your face is truly a gem. Alas though, you do contain great restraint in not allowing too many mining excavations upon such a rose,” said Frederick romantically. “Frederick, you do really know how to charm, do you not?” “Clara, I know that you are merely overstating any quality of mine. Now, do let me take your hand.” As Clara, blushing, got up from the restaurant table her handkerchief fell to the ground. She moved to pick it up. “Halt, my lady! It is every gentleman’s responsibility to help out a lady in need, so I’ll retrieve that handkerchief!” With a mighty twirl and spin, he picked up the handkerchief and returned it to Clara.” “Frederick, I do respect your noble intentions, but now your hands are dirty!” “Fear not my lady, I will clean them. I’ll even wash my hands twice!” And so Frederick rushed off to go wash his hands, having assured Clara that he’d be properly clean when he returned. Clara stood alone as a ‘modern’ figure approached. “Heya babe, wanna have a night out?” said Mr. Jones, with what he thought was class, but was really stupidity. “No.” “You would reject me and my uh... uh... good looks?” Clara was about to reply when Frederick returned. “Foul wretch, you have caused me to have to return to my lady in defence of her when I have not even washed my hands 3 times over! Explain yourself!” “Well, I’m a Jones.” “I couldn’t care less.” “You insult my family honour. I should like to sort out this difference of ours!” “Fine then. Jones boy, we shall duel to the death! I draw my sword in defence of my lady. Now, don’t keep me waiting, draw your sword and let us have this out.” “I fear I do have a sword on my person. “Well then, use whatever knife or thug like weapon you carry, and take your best shot at me.” So, Mr. Jones decided to oblige and shot Frederick Roux through the head. “Do you still want that night out babe?” asked Mr. Jones as Clara screamed at him. And the following court room discussion... “So, what do you have to say in your defence Mr. Jones, knowing that witnesses saw what you did,” asked the judge coldly. “Well, as you know, I’m the sort of guy who’s a right honourable fellow. I obeyed Frederick’s last words to the letter, as every gentleman should.” “Would you care to explain Mr. Jones?” “Well, he did say to ‘use whatever knife or thug like weapon you carry, and take your best shot at me’ , so, I did what he asked, and took a shot at the head, as that was my best shot.” The judge looked at Mr. Jones sternly. “And you don’t believe this was intended as a figure of speech as a prelude to an honourable duel?” “Of course not. It was perfectly obvious what he really meant.” “Yes, it was perfectly obvious what he meant. You’re just an idiot. Guilty.” You see, keeping up with Mr. Jones means being an incoherent idiot who can’t interpret things properly and is highly dishonourable. It’s bad to keep up with the Joneses, as both examples show. Again though, I hear a cry that they are innocent. They say, all modern fellows are evil, which is all well and good to say, but even in the olden days the Joneses were up to trouble! Mr. Jones is having an argument with Sir Henry. “Mr. Jones, your conduct in yesterday’s diplomatic posturing with the Vikings was inexcusable. What do you have to say for yourself?” “Well, I don’t like you either Sir Henry,” said Mr. Jones with an air of detachment as he stabbed Sir Henry through the heart. “Why?” asked Sir Henry feebly. “Um, eh, good question actually,” said Mr. Jones as Sir Henry collapsed. “So, what they say isn’t true! Henry’s mouth didn’t really bite the dust. What a blazing stupid saying!” Meanwhile Honest James the Philosopher had been watching this little scuffle. He had been considering intervening, yet remembered his teachings and decided to explore the idea of Mr. Jones’ sword having been created to kill Sir Henry, in which case his action might cause a rift in time. While Honest James had been proving this a priori, Sir Henry was stabbed. But Honest James never hesitated to speak his mind. “Hey, evil fellow, I don’t like your killing ways.” Mr. Jones turned around, murder in his eyes. “You won’t tell Lord Redding of this I hope.” Honest James then made the fatal mistake of his life – he told the truth. “Of course I am. See you.” Honest James turned his back, and was struck down by Mr. Jones. In his last breath he cried out: “Oh, what can be the sufficient reason for my death?” before collapsing. Lord Redding heard this cry, and slew Mr. Jones in an instant. So, as we see again, keeping up with the Jones is a bad idea. It is likely to get you killed, is dishonourable, disgraces philosophers and is just plain rude. I’ve exposed the true origins of the phrase ‘keeping up with the Joneses’, and so I beg you all: Don’t keep up with the Joneses!