Write a story that is dystopian

A car accident—it had been her fault, too much whiskey. Anyway, she died plus killed crossed the highway median and killed two cat, a badger raping an elk, and an elder woman in a Honda Civic. She arrived in heaven surprised since she held a grudge against God for cumming in the Virgin Mary in her sleep that one time, ruining a marriage that never had a chance to get off the ground. Behavior like that today would shock even Ray Rice’s wife and that women can take a punch. If we are being honest, God had all the seductive skills of a frat boy with roofy connect. Plus drove his son to suicide, also known as bullying today, a felony in some states. Anyway, that is not the point. The point this chick died in car accident and arrived at heaven. Returning to the story: Heaven is exactly like those tacky scenes in Hollywood movies or animated cartoons. Everyone has impeccable white robes, white beards, and its foundation is built on a hell of a lot of clouds. Peter was guarding the entrance. “Leslie Greer?” Peter (i.e. the original Pope) asked. She thought it was weird that there wasn’t telepathy in heaven but then again no one had invited a printer that worked every time either. “That’s me.” “Okay, the entry here says, you are a South Baptist from South Carolina. You were baptized at age twelve but later turned into a total slut with an appetite for nose candy and once had a third-way with a minor celebrity and took the lord’s name in vain thirteen and a half times, is that correct?” Peter asked. “Thirteen and a half, how can I take the lord’s name in vain thirteen and a half times?” She asked. “The half was due to loud moaning—but god just developed this sweet app where it shows all the possibilities of could have happened. It doesn’t matter—Steve Jobs designed it. God was stoked. He even allows Steven to use the Chinese labor from hell to make the new iPhones up here. Maybe that will teach those atheist communists a lesson.” “Right, so why am I qualified to be here?” Leslie asked Peter. “Hum…let me check. Okay, well it says you are here through the legacy program?” “Which means?” “So it is exactly what it sounds like. Your parents were wealthy conservatives from the South, who put a lot of money into the collection plate on Sundays, so despite your rejection of the church and all that which we take into consideration, we decided ah…”who cares she is a white girl from the south, its cool.” “Sounds better than hell, am I right? I don’t want to be burning and doing labor with the Chinese making iPhones.” Peter’s index finger indicated she needed to come closer. He whispered to Leslie: “Between you and me, hell has changed a lot. Satan launched a surprise attack a couple years back, some of his men annexed territory in the North and sodomized Jesus with crowbar. In the treaty, God recognized his sovereignty, both sides broke off all contact and from what I hear it is pretty sweet: all night parties, last night Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky did a magic show and you’ll never guess how he made a cigar disappear.” “Wait…so what’s heaven like if hell is like that?” “Yeah…sorry, and I probably should have mentioned this earlier, the legacy plan is actually more to boost our numbers. We have been having problems getting anyone here anymore. And…heaven is well…you know it is pretty sweet, like I mentioned IPhones and apps and stuff. Oh who am I kidding, Steve Jobs is in hell too, having an awesome time making some really good apps; we just have the knock-off version.” “Peter…give me a straight answer, what is heaven like?” Leslie said in a tantrum. “Okay, so unfortunately, we kept the basic structure in the Bible; basically it is like every church service you’ve ever been to, there is a lot of singing, worshipping, and potlucks where we praise God all the time.” “So you’re saying heaven is more or less North Korea, where everyone praises the dear leader, where we lavish unwarranted praise and worship?” Leslie asked looking for escape routes. “Yeah…basically…plus you know it being heaven and all no one sleeps!”