Semen should be bottled and sold as a teeth whitener.

I thank the wild, free-roaming cheese-dog for his monosyllabic barks. Review of my main arguments:EconomicsThe resolution provides the affirmative side of this case with ample economic girth to stroke to fruition.A) Deadweight LossGovernment regulations in the ocean of the semen market have caused deadweight loss to the economy. My opponent objected, “They still want the quality sperm if they want to use it to clean up your mouth.”Clearly, my opponent has not done post-doctoral research in Semenology like I have. Semen is comprised of 1-2% sperm with the remaining 98-99% being fluids from other accessory organs. So, stick that in your mouth and suck it. The semen used for whitening will be a quality, homogenized colloid regardless of the discrepancies of the qualities of the human input. The ideal acid-base reaction from semen is what we want, not the genetic material itself.B) Trade BalanceIf we begin to start manufacturing and exporting semen teeth whitener, the United States’ trade balance will be positive in this sector, due to strict semen-rules in other countries that would allow our “producers” ;) to become the dominant marketplace players.My opponent objects, “According to the NY times, only 44% of sperm donors worldwide are American.” That is for pregnancy use, not teeth whitening! Other socialist countries, where sperm donation is prevalent, take excessively long for permits, regulatory controls, etc. The United States could use this as an opportunity to become #1 again!C) EmploymentMany men may be put to work for the production, bottling, distribution, quality control, and administrative purposes of this product.My opponent objects, “ there will arouse no new jobs, because the same rigorous screening process will take place.” However, when something goes from illegal to legal, there are many private-sector jobs that flow from that. After prohibition, more bartenders could do their trade without being shut down and less violent mobsters went around throwing babies at the elderly. Do we want violent cum or peaceful cum? I choose the latter (although dangerous-kinky role-play is fun sometimes).D) StimulusInstead of artificial economic stimulus through the Fed, we could just loosen regulations and allow the business of America to once again be business. My opponent objects, “So, my opponent says that we should change our currency to sperm?” In a way, yes. That semen and sperm you ejaculate would now qualify to become a good once it is sold, redeemable for gold, cash, checks, money orders, etc. In the wealth creation of semen teeth whitening, sperm will become an extremely valuable commodity. One day you may see the symbol CUM scrolling across the ticker of CNBC during a big rally day at the New York Stock Exchange. Also, since you think sperm would be bad money and will be regulated heavily by the government, it will be subject to Gresham’s Law: "When a government compulsorily overvalues one type of money and undervalues another, the undervalued money will leave the country or disappear from circulation into hoards, while the overvalued money will flood into circulation." [http://www.lewrockwell.com...]HealthA) Artificial Teeth Whiteners Are DangerousThe leading cause of death in America is no longer “being killed after your spouse catches you cheating with animals,” but rather “brain atrophy due to excessive artificial teeth whitening in Alpha Delta Pi sororities.” The amount of chemicals in many teeth whiteners greatly exceed the allowable daily dosages and the legal daily dosages and the recommended daily dosages and the biblical daily dosages. Switching from this dangerous artificial teeth whitening to natural semen-based teeth whiteners would improve the health, brain function, and longevity of human lives, while maintaining social order.My opponent concedes that artificial teeth whiteners are dangerous, yet objects, “Base's do not have acidity, therefore there would be no effect of semen.” However, since mouth saliva is acidic and semen is basic, there will be an acid-base reaction inside the mouth, especially with the tooth enamel, causing a warming sensation of natural teeth whitening.B) The Healthy AlternativeAllowing for the teeth whitening of semen would greatly improve gum health, lung functioning, hormone stability, and male satisfaction. My opponent queries, “How is it beneficial to men to consume?” I repeat my response, It is a wonder of life itself, filled with energy, carbs, proteins, nutrients, micronutrients, sub-micronutrients, and infra-sub-micronutrients, ad infinitum. Also, it will whiten men’s teeth.Fun A) PranksThis substance would be fun for use in pranks. My opponent agrees that this would be hilarious.B) Glow in the DarkSemen has natural bioluminescence that can be used for fun and practical purposes that lead to fun. This will open exhilarating new possibilities for raves, practical lighting, airport runways, and parties.My opponent then questions my relationship with a transvestite monkey named Sheila that I shave and put makeup on. That is none of his business what I do with my monkey business.MoralityA)Categorical ImperativeThe categorical imperative is consonant with the resolution. I GOT KANT ON MY SIDE!My opponent concedes that Immanuel Kant is a bada$$ philosopher and that Kant supports my side.B) Rape/MolestationMore satisfied men who have lower drive for sex due to constant depletion in the semen teeth whitening sector will result in less rapes and molestations.My opponent concedes this point.C) BibleGod is clearly telling us that having strong seminal emissions, so much so that they are compared to animals is a positive attribute, combine that with the qualifier of not wasting seed, and we see that God is an enterprising, celestial anarcho-capitalist who wants the burdensome governmental regulations surrounding semen sales destroyed.My opponent concedes that I have divine support for my semen bottling and teeth whitening.Review of my rebuttals to my opponent’s main arguments:1) It is disgusting. I find this contention very offensive, because I use my own semen to clean my teeth, personally. I am also in my "right mind" (the creative hemisphere of the brain). I like to paint water lilies while whitening my teeth. Sh*t AKA human fecal matter is not a good deodorant, because of its pungent odor of dead and living bacterial secretions. However, it is good for digestion as a good percentage is fiber. Second, semen is not disgusting. It is a wonder of life itself, filled with energy, carbs, proteins, nutrients, micronutrients, sub-micronutrients, and infra-sub-micronutrients, ad infinitum. The taste varies contingent upon what the inseminator has ingested prior to ejaculation. Semen is so complex and dynamic of a taste that a book has been written that utilizes semen in all of its recipes. The book is called Natural Harvest - A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes. This contention is entirely subjective and doesn't get at the true fundamentals behind delicious and non-delicious man yogurt. 2) It will not clean teeth.I have proven through the acid-base reaction example, personal experience, and scientific reality that semen will clean teeth. The "burning" which my opponent described above is more of a gentle warming sensation that lets you know it's working. If you've ever used athletic balm or that warming KY lubricant, you know the satisfying feeling-feeling ;). Burning does not mean acid, but rather that a chemical reaction is taking place that has a product of heat. Furthermore, the use of semen in mouths increases the amount of saliva for the subsequent 12 hours, making the tooth protection last even longer.Conclusion: Semen teeth whitening works and it is delicious and helpful.Vote for WSA!!!