Sarcastic Presidential Debate

Opening StatementGoing through my life my mother had always told me to always trust other people but to cut the cards. Basicly meaning that you need to give people the benefit of the doubt, but you need to cut the cards and be wary. Growing up I became weary of what the government was doing and seen horrible things that the government was doing so I decided that I needed to step up and to make a change in this nation before it's too late.And I, Governor Aloysious M. Lannan13 wish to be your people's president. For some crazy reason I ending up winning the primaries.I'll first explain three key points for a lovely Utlitarianism Utopia.1. Taxes/ Spending2. Immigration3. ReligonThen I'll adress each and every point of my opponent and go on from there.1. Taxes/ Government Spending The rich people is what makes this country run! If it wasn't for them big wigs then we would not have gotten' out of that recession. You see these rich people get money and then they use money to make a buisness and that buisness makes jobs which gives the average Joe a source of income and some money. Did you know that the rich already pays like 2,000 times more then the average Joe! No wounder we hit that recession! It's because of the government is restricting our job makers and entrapanuers thus killing our economy. So I purpose that our nation implaments the flatt tax system.During the past several years the Federal Government has been spending money on things that aren't worth it. People are cheating the system with things like welfare and food stamps. Us hard working Americans have to support those bums who are using our money and buying drugs. You can also look at Sequestor and see that it is actually not that bad, because it has actually reduce our American debt! When our debt goes down cunsumer confidence goes up, when it goes up then people will buy things, when people buy things, jobs open up, and when jobs open up and people get jobs and can support themselves. So if we cut more government spending then people will have more money. 2. Immigration Democrats are just way to friendly to them Camachos. Those Mexicans "sneak across" our borders and steel our American jobs. They take our "oppertunities" and leave us Americans behind with less jobs. Heck them Camachos don't even pay taxes, so they are like criminals and should be thrown out of this nation. They take our jobs and they hurt our economy making it harder for the 'Real Americans" to survive in this world and it does things like hurt the average Joe putting people on welfare hurting Americans and ultamtaly hurting our economy.3. Religon Religon is peaceful aspect to the average American's life, but as of reccent our government is restricting our rights to the freedom of religon and impossing us with two different religons. They began by implamenting atheism upon Americans by taking religon out of schools but what they really did was implament a different relligon. Also current government officals have been trying to implament Sharia Law on the US by making the US more and more like those Mulsum terrorist harboring nations in the world. Doing so we would have to do things like kill gay people and abuse women which is the path us Americans don't want to go. We want to go the more traditional route with no abortions unless the mother's life is in danger, and put religon back in schools and offer it as a philosphy class or a Religon class in schools.Now on to my opponent's platform.4. Peaceful Equestrian SocietyMy opponent offers peace to the world... except North Korea. You see what my opponent is trying to do here is to take over the world and be just like Hilter. Anyone who isn't on board is killed (North Korea). He also contradicts himself here by stating that he wants peace but then he's going to fvck up North Korea. Secondly he wants to turn us into ponies? Da fvck?! He is going to turn us into fragile creaters that when he takes office and turns us into ponies that North Korea is going to rape the sh*t out of us. That and we'll be a creature that if we so much as twist our ankles we have to be shot because we will be cripples for the rest of our lives.5. Colonization of the MoonWhat my opponent is suggesting is a fellony and is against the Outer Space Treaty that was made in the 1960s http://www.unoosa.org.... So we might colonize the moon, but we will have every nation in the UN p*ssed at us and they will nuke the sh*t out of our little pony nation. The moon actually can't support life because the gravity there is so light that you will explode because of your blood preassure! My friends I don't think that many of us wnat to explode!6. North KoreaMy friends if we do this it will p*ss off China who I may remind holds 98% of the REM and they will declare war on us and since we will already have every nation in the world against us that our pony @$$es will get murdered by the Chinese.Now with all the above things we can fully see why that Lannan13 should be your people's president.