Resolved: Dating more people makes for a better marriage

(1) We understand ourselves better: I agree, it is important to understand one's self and I agree that experiences gained through dating can certainly help us do that. However, I do not think that many relationships and/or break-ups are necessary for this type of exploration. Yes, failed relationship after failed relationship may indeed enlighten someone as to what's "wrong" or their bad habits, etc. However, these things can just as effectively be learned through the ups and downs of a single relationship (or a handful, as opposed to a plethora). If the goal is to fix/perfect ourselves, this can certainly be done while in a relationship. Particularly if the relationship means a lot to the people involved, learning these things and trying to fix them is just as (if not MORE) valuable to discover IN a relationship as they are after/apart from a relationship. So, while your point is indeed valuable, I do not see any way that it is necessitated or improved by many relationships. If anything, the determining factor is the desire of a person to a) recognize his/her flaws and then b) improve them in order to achieve a happier relationship. So, while important, this argument is still DEBUNKED. (2) Make us more likely to win over that perfect mate: I completely disagree with this line of logic. It is based on the idea that people fall in love with each other as the result of well-planned posturing. It also suggests that falling in love with other is something that individuals can be steered into with the right "skills set." Though I agree social skills are valuable, not just in relationships, but in life, I do not think that is what you are referencing. I do not subscribe to the idea that there are certain skills that allow you to make someone fall in love with you. I think rather that it is a matter of personalities, compatibility and yes, social skills, but these are not relationship-specific. Yes, it is possible to TRICK someone into liking you by pretending to be something you're not. However, I do not see this leading to true love if the whole scheme is based on lies and misrepresentations. Likewise, I do not see this leading to marriage (and certainly not a happy marriage) if courting centered around lies. (DEBUNKED) (3) Less likely to end up single: I concede that more dating leaves a person less likely to be single in the long run. HOWEVER given that quality of marriage is a factor in this debate, I counter this point with the following: While dating more people may decrease your chances of being single long term, it does not increase the chances of a happy, successful marriage. If anything, I would argue that a merry-go-round of potential mates may be overwhelming when it comes to choosing just one to spend your life with. Give that fact, what is more likely to happen is a person decides that they themselves are ready for marriage and/or its the right time in their life for marriage and so they wed the person that happens to be riding the merry-go-round at that point in time. This may work. Or it may not. It's a gamble. (4) Feel more complete: Again, I see the truth at the bottom of what you seem to be getting at. However, you are confusing LIFE experiences with DATING experiences. Many of the experiences people seek in their lives may change with marriage. However, things like skydiving, traveling, etc. have nothing to do with the variety of people you date. If these are a person's goals, accomplishing them a) may still be possible after marriage-- I would argue CHILDREN change these goals more than anything and b) even absent marriage, these things may be accomplished with a mate or a friend or even by one's self. If dating someone of a different race is on someone's bucket list, but they do not accomplish it before marriage I would defer to one of two cases: (1) it is a simple, shallow infatuation that really ought to be grown out of anyways or (2) if this goal is more important than the joy, companionship and stability that comes with marriage then perhaps that person either married too soon or married the wrong person. Life experiences are important. But these are not connected to the number of people you date. Lastly, if after marriage you look back an regret not "experiencing more partners," I would defer that problem to the topic of promiscuity, which it seems neither of us is promoting. This is the only dating-ish thing I can see a married person legitimately feeling they missed out on. However, sleeping with more people and dating more people are (as decided) different things. And again, if sleeping with more people is that important, perhaps that person got married too soon or married the wrong person. (DEBUNKED) (5) Can help our children better: You make an interesting argument here, but I do not think you properly identify the source of good advice. Much dating advice is generalized and applies to nearly all relationships (things like compromising, communication, values, etc.). It does not take that many relationships to realize that these things are universal, yet hold great importance. Dating more people may increase selection of stories, but does not necessarily improve advice. Also, realistically, "dating" over the last 2-3 generations has established a pattern of changing quite a bit from one generation to the next. The "advice" we accumulate now may in fact be null by the time we are giving it to our kids. If anything, more dating experience will help our friends and contemporaries more than it may help our kids. Finally on this subtopic, dating more people does not mean experiencing more success nor does it indicate improved skills. Perhaps some people date more because they LACK the skills required to carry on longer, more meaningful relationships. And again, this does not necessarily yield a larger pool of advice, particularly if someone continues to make errors. To my points for a moment: 1. Careful selection: simply put, criteria for a mate comes from our personal desires, not others' offerings. By selection, I meant for dating. Leads may still be followed, options may be explored, nerves quelled, etc. 3. Preparation for marriage: yes, cohabitation is part of what prepares people for marriage. And an important part at that. However, no healthy relationship is based off of parameters set by past failed relationships. The parameters must be set by the two people involved and only them-- no one wants to be compared to a boy- or girlfriend that came before them. Things that bother you will still bother you regardless of how many exes did or did not do them. This is a question of knowing one's self. And it is acquired over time through living with many people-- from parents and siblings to roommates and eventually significant others. You should already be well aware of them when you cohabit with a mate. And, while cohabitation may prove to be a make-or-break, it is not like a job interview where you try out several candidates and then call back the best one(s) for round 2 or to offer them a position. If you love someone enough to want to marry them, you have to be able to live with them, yes. But this factor is all about personal preference and compatibility, not past ideas of "normal" or which ex was best or worst. Dating (and cohabiting with) more people only increases the chances that expectations will be skewed when you find that "best" fit mate. Ever person is different and few things demonstrate this more than living with somebody. 5. Baggage: Any relationship can impart baggage. While these problems do fade over time, I don't see how you figure lasting damage can ONLY be caused by promiscuity or unduly long relationships. Its actually incredible how little time it takes for people to hurt each other. I maintain that baggage increases with increased dating, and to that end, can pile up unpleasantly as more people are added to a lengthening list of exes. Eek- out of space!