Britain's immigration service should introduce Kuwaiti-style gay detectors.

Org called Niqash Motawadi? ) and, also, for generously including my opening round the category of satire, which I am not sure it deserved! In his rebuttal my opponent has noted that Kuwait's new gay detectors are not (yet) known in the outside world and details of how they might work are hard to come by. That may be true but it doesn't mean the Kuwaitis do not possess such technology. Firstly, we should remember that the Arab world was the cradle of civilisation and much of what we know in the West about science ultimately stems from Arabia so we shouldn't underestimate the Kuwaitis' capacity to develop a clinical homosexual screening technique independent of Western scientists. In addition, Western pharmaceutical companies would be unlikely to invest in the development of gay detectors for fear of attracting adverse publicity. Furthermore, it should come as no surprise that the Kuwaitis have not published scientific details of their new gay detectors. They will be waiting for international patent protection before selling their sexual deviant-detecting devices to Vladimir Putin and other homophobic customers around the world. My opponent also offered various methods that the gay detectors might rely on and showed them all to be ineffective. Fair enough, but although the exact operation of the Kuwaiti gay detectors remains a closely-guarded secret, I have done my own research into the causes and symptoms of homosexuality and, on that basis, I can make an educated guess that the Kuwaiti gay detection system is a multi-stage system operating along the following lines: Stage 1 - The Digit Test In heterosexual men, the index finger is shorter, on average, than the ring finger while in homosexual men the index and ring fingers are usually about the same length. This is a result of reduced testosterone exposure prior to birth. A quick look at the passengers' hands will determine whether or not it is necessary to proceed to Stage 2. Stage 2 - The Pheromone Test The sexual centre of homosexual men's brains light up when they sniff a pheromone-like chemical from men's sweat but they don't respond to a chemical from women. This reaction could be monitored with a simple brain scan. If the passenger responds to the wrong chemical but still denies he is gay then it will be necessary to proceed to Stage 3. Stage 3 - The Neurohormonal Test Hormones in a developing foetus determine a mammal's sexual identity by orchestrating brain organization and an imbalance in these hormones can lead to homosexuality in later life. The part of the brain responsible for sexual behaviour is twice as big in male heterosexual mammal as it is in male homosexual mammal. This region of the brain can be measured and if it is found to be undersized in the suspected gay but he, nevertheless, persists that he is straight, it will be necessary to proceed to Stage 4. Stage 4 - The Enzyme Test Gay men have lower brain levels of an enzyme that activates testosterone and promotes typical male sexual behaviour and a blood test indicating such a deficiency would be the final conclusive proof that the passenger is, in reality, a roaring poof who is just masquerading as a normal man in order to sneak into Kuwait. [1] Obviously, most visitors will pass the first test and be admitted into the country with a cheery greeting such as: "Welcome to Kuwait, enjoy your stay but remember to keep your impious infidel eyes off our women. " However, visitors who fail the gay detector tests are likely to be told: "You've tested positive for homosexuality. There's no point in denying it, the results are conclusive. You're a queer and that's that. Now get out of our country and never darken our borders with your sexually-perverted presence again. " Such gay detecting devices would be equally useful to Britain's immigration services as they will be to Kuwait's. Since asylum seekers cannot fake any of the stages of the gay detector there would be no way to deceive the immigration officer who might advise the applicant as follows: "Sorry sir, no matter how many times you tell me you are fan of Broadway musicals or how many posters of Cristiano Ronaldo you say you have on your bedroom wall, we've done the tests and we've found that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Consequently, your application for political asylum on the grounds of homosexual persecution has been refused and you will be duly deported back to Alabama on the next available flight. " Thank you. [1] . http://seattletimes.com...