It is better to light a cat on fire than a dog.

While I will concede to my opponent that dogs can sometimes be dangerous, I would like to point out that so can cats. In fact, while instances of dogs becoming violent forms a small minority of human-dog encounters, a “neurotic and unstable” cat is perfectly normal. A study conducted just last year has found that house cats “have similar personality structures to African lions with high inclinations toward dominance, impulsiveness and neuroticism” [1]. Lions, by the way, are responsible for over 200 human deaths a year, a number that dwarfs the 30 con attributes to dogs. [2] Furthermore, of the 30 or so deaths caused by dogs last year 27 of these involved pit bulls. [3] The case that dogs are dangerous death machines is less a case against dogs in general and more a case against pit bulls specifically. Con himself points out that there are 187 recognised dog breads, so in effect less than 0.01% of dogs are responsible for 90% of these deaths, a statistic that points towards the inevitable conclusion that the vast minority of dogs are violent. Cats on the other hand are almost exclusively evil and the average cat is far more sinister than the average dog. There’s no doubt about it, cats are vicious hunters and “If they were bigger, they probably would consider killing you”. “Cats can be fantastic, sweet companions — until they turn on you” [1] Your cat is gunning for you, a fact now backed up by science, so what are you going to do about it? The obvious solution is of course to burn them. This serves the purpose of removing your cat before it can a) learn how to kill you b) reproduce and pass on its hatred and some new super death mutation, which given the rate at which cats are capable of reproducing is only a matter of time or c) go rogue and contribute to the environmental damage mentioned in the last round [4]. A public burning would also send a clear and effective message to all other cats not to mess with you. My opponents hell hound and puppy monkey baby arguments are both ridiculous and should be completely ignored. In regards to the former, everyone knows that hell hounds are fire proof; they come from hell for god’s sake! So even if you wanted to, you couldn't’t light one on fire. Plus there’s also the chance it would be on fire already anyway [5]. In regards to the latter, this unholy creature is only 1/3 dog, so an argument against it is more an argument against puppy-monkeys than it is against dogs. Finally, as far as cooking your dog goes, if you’re going to light them on fire, you’ll end up with nothing but tough, charred meat that’s no good to anyone. A nice, slow grill would produce much better results. The hypothetical dog weaponisation program put forward by con in the last round is also fairly ridiculous. However there is an air of plausibility hanging over it so I would like to propose a more effective counter plan. Assemble yourself the same ingredients as before, but this time substitute the dog for a cat. You will also need a long-range laser pointer to function as a sure fire control mechanism. [6- youtube] By taking advantage of the amazing agility feline creatures this new and improved Combustion and Arson Transport (CAT) is now capable of exploding all those hard to reach places. You can lead your CAT up walls, over fences and through the narrowest of fence gaps. Tired of investing hours of your time training exploding dogs to do exactly what you want? Well the added functionality of the laser pointer makes controlling your CAT a breeze, with immediate and repeatable results anyone can become an expert in no time at all without the added worry of a dog possibly disobeying you. Still not convinced? Well, use a CAT within the foreseeable future and you can throw in the added bonus of getting to destroy a creature that has no other value to society absolutely free! But wait, that’s not all! If exploding your CATS just isn’t enough why not grab some friends, a few torches and some pitchforks and go hunt down your neighborhood strays or the local ferals and burn them all and you’ll experience stress release benefits and mob-mentality highs that have been lost to humanity since the days of witch trials. Plus these experiences comes with no lock in guilt, seeing as your actually doing society a favour by removing an invasive pest species that does serious environmental damage. So stop what ever it is you’re doing and ignite some cats, while the world is thanking you, you’ll be thanking yourself. [1] http://www.usatoday.com... [2] http://www.animaldanger.com... [3] http://www.dogsbite.org... [4] http://www.care2.com... [5] http://img06.deviantart.net... [6]