Resolved: Dating more people makes for a better marriage

Thank you, dear Opponent, for the invite. This seems like it will be an interesting debate indeed. Clarification-- So "dating" ranges from a single date to cohabitation and beyond? Just so we're talking about the same thing. Also, your argument is centered around dating more people, correct? As opposed to simply having more dating experience. My argument will be that dating fewer people actually leads to and makes for better marriages. And there are several reasons for this: Dating fewer people 1. Encourages more careful choosing/selection of potential girl- or boyfriends. 2. Leaves people (after having chosen carefully) more likely to enter long-term relationships. 3. Given that it encourages long-term relationships, also better prepares people for marriage. 4. Leads to less time wasted jumping through the hoops of "casual dating"--- not to be confused with hooking up or the like-- and more time dedicated to learning how to carry on a meaningful relationship over time. 5. Perhaps most importantly, leaves daters with far less "baggage" from past relationships, thus allowing for their future relationships to be that much less burdened. These will be my main points and I will go into detail about each of them (this being only an overview). So, I'll dive right in: 1. More careful selection: If people strive, either consciously or subconsciously, to date as few people as possible on the path to finding their future spouse, their selection of partners will inevitably be better. This goal/mindset encourages two people to get to know each other before taking the next step and dating. It also helps put into perspective what really is or is not important in a mate. Many people don't stop to think about these things until they are well into relationships, or until several past relationships have failed. Having such criteria in the forefront and present when courting surely helps people make more educated decisions about who is a genuinely viable candidate, and likewise enables people to spot "deal-breakers" or "warning signs" right off the bat. How does this apply to marriage? Well, for a variety of reasons, people can end up marrying the person they are dating despite non-compatibilities among them. Starting the whole process with more emphasis on selection itself can stave off the problems that come with incompatible people entering into marriage. 2. Tendency towards long-term relationships: Continuing the mentality of ideally dating as few people as possible on the road to finding one's future spouse, this type of selectivity and level of seriousness about the process surely leads to more long-term relationships (as opposed to short ones). If potential mates are chosen with more thought and consideration, it becomes more likely that those relationships will work better and for longer than those chosen almost at random. Of course, there is no guarantee, but longer relationships are more likely to end in marriage than countless short ones. Also, there is a finite amount of time people have to devote to dating. Pair that with the fact that different phases of a relationship demand different things from the people involved. Therefore, increasing the longevity of relationships likewise increases a person's relationship skills in breadth as well as depth. And this leads me to my next point-- 3. Preparation for marriage: The idea may seem simple and/or obvious, but long-term relationships are better preparation for the realities of marriage than short relationships. The bond, expectations, communication, understanding, etc. between two people is notably different after a few weeks or months as compared to after a few years. Marriage of course is meant to be "for life." So, knowing how to nurture a relationship over years as opposed to weeks or months is indeed valuable. This may mean having lived with a significant other, learning to keep things interesting, dealing with reoccurring problems, etc. The skills set is really quite diverse. But in order to learn such skills, one must find themselves in such a relationship. That's not to say that any or every long-term relationship will turn into marriage. However, having the chance to build these skills doubtless leads to better, happier marriages. 4. Better allocation of dating time: In conjunction with Points #2 and #3, better allocation of dating time (ie: spending less time in the early stages of dating and more time in the "long-haul," committed stages) can also mean better readiness for marriage. If two people each spend X hours dating (not each other), but one goes on approximately X/3 first dates (ie: an average of 3 hours per date [which is probably generous if they are indeed first dates]) and the other devotes that time to just one or two people, who has more dating experience? Well both. BUT-- who is better prepared for marriage? Well, I'd say hands down person 2. Why? Well, simply put-- "dating experience" can mean a lot of things, but the segment of that experience that actually helps prepare people for marriage and/or leads to better, happier, healthier marriages is quite specific and is really only gained through longer relationships. While meeting new people, small talk, random banter, etc. may be fun (no argument there), it's the stuff of long relationships that actually makes for better marriages. Things like finding balance between the various facets of each person's life, improving communication (a life-long journey in my opinion), planning for the future, etc. etc. all come to those who gain the second type of dating experience. And all of these skills go directly towards improving married life. 5. Less baggage: Finally, dating fewer people leaves daters with less potential "baggage" from past relationships as they move forward and towards finding a future spouse. I realize baggage may be a bit obscure, but I think anyone who has dated in any serious way knows what this can mean. My personal definition (ie: totally not Webster, but hopefully sufficient) is any negative psychological or emotional (sometime, but rarely physical) injury, scar or toll taken from past relationships including but not limited to fears, anxieties, behaviors, habits, assumptions, hyper-sensitivities, so on and so forth. Of course not all relationships end with baggage. BUT most do. It is very rare for relationships to end in a truly amicable way. Popular forms of baggage may include jealously and/or cheating, dishonesty, disrespect, control, abuse in its many lovely forms, lack of trust, codependency, insecurities, etc. Having experienced any one of these things in a past relationship (especially if/when it caused the end of said relationship) is likely to make a person very on guard about them when going into a new relationship. In extreme cases, baggage can make people see or create problems that are not actually there, or on the flip side may make people avoid very real problems for fear of confronting something so difficult/painful again. Examples: people who have been cheated on may be over-suspicious of future partners; people who have been lied to may be hesitant to believe/trust new partners; people who have had controlling relationships may fear conflict and lack trust; those who have had physically unfulfilling relationships may develop linked insecurities; etc. etc. Bottom line is the less opportunity there is for this kind of damage, the better. So, having the goal of dating as few people as possible on the road to finding a mate increases quality of selection, leads to more long-term relationships, which in turn better prepare daters for marriage, wastes less time playing the "dating game"-- ie: casual dating, AND leaves people with less baggage as they enter new relationships and/or marriage. I look forward to reading your argument and of course good luck!