800 word story writing challenge

Thank you for the advice. The reason for breaking up the paragraph is to relay the thought process of the character. There are long pauses between thoughts, thus it was necessary to break up the sentences. I see how this can be confusing to the reader and will need to figure out a better way to convey my desires. I found a number of issues with your most recent post, some of which are the same as with your first post. 1 - Spelling. This website allows for spelling checks. I don't see an excuse for spelling errors. 2 - Use of the word "tide" improperly, again, twice. Tides happen at the coastline; they are not waves or storms. 3 - Nautical terms (a slight improvement), but a "floor" is a deck on the ship. You also say, "the wood around me is still wet" but what wood are you talking about? The deck? The mast? The railing? 4 - I am under the impression they have been at sea for more than a week? Maybe two? That would mean the fresh fruit was gone already. I would have used hard tack if you wanted to cause misery. 5 - Scurvy will take 1-3 months before the first symptoms show and wouldn't be an issue so early in the trip. It would be enough to be thankful they weren't lost at sea. 6 - Most provisions on sailing ships were salted or pickled in barrels. Pickling foods created ascorbic acid, which allows for vitamin C. Crates did not allow for food to last long. The heat, humidity and flies would have spoiled the food quickly. 7 - You used two Captains on a ship to create conflict? I would have had Roy be the 1st mate and let his experience with maps and navigation cause conflict with the Captain. When the Captain is lost at sea, Roy takes over. 8 - I keep getting a feeling of "woe is me" then "cool every thing is OK" then back to "woe is me". 9 - If Roy is keeping them strong and they believe they will get women, riches, fame and more, then why do I get the impression they are milling around on deck? A ship requires all types of work with the deck, masts, sails, rigging and ropes. One would think they were excited and busy working. Most ships had to be swabbed constantly because it caused the wood to swell thus sealing the lower decks. They did not use tar or sealant on the deck because you would constantly be stepping in it. 10 - "luxurious treasure and women." then you say "Fame and wealth". Repetitive subjects? 11 - Various grammar issues - Such as the sentence "I, Robert Romeiro, am a geologist and mathematician..." I find this out of place. You introduce him to the reader in mid-stride of the story. It's like saying, "Mix the eggs with the flour and butter first. The bowl I am using was made in Italy. Then add your vanilla and other spices." You also have several incomplete sentences along with grammar errors: "And then well, a monstrous blizzard hit..." 12 - Use of the word, "Urban" with "myth". 13 - Switching from 1st person to 3rd person. You start off with 3rd person (saying Robert was tightly holding on the mast) then later switch to 1st person (I, Robert Romeiro...) 14 - Were they safe in the cabin or holding on to the masts? Why would a crew be in a cabin? The only cabin is the Captain's cabin. While several items I pointed out are not required in writing a story, I find your story lumpy. I like the idea of the Kraken but you focus on it too often with multiple analogies. I'll post a rough draft in the comment section so you have an idea of what I'm talking about. Part 2 -------- As I readied myself for breakfast a knock came at the door. "Who's there?" I said while grabbing my gun. "Jimmy" a harsh and rough voice said from behind the door. Not many people knew I was in town so who would blame me for being paranoid? "Jimmy who?" I replied. There was a long delay before the voice said "You know... Jimmy!" Still not knowing a "Jimmy" in this town I put the gun to the door and looked through the peep hole. Through the hole I could see two fat older men who looked like two used car salesmen. "What do you want?" I asked. "The boss wants to see you" said the unknown Jimmy. "Who?" I said sarcastically. "The boss!" said a second deep raspy voice. I laughed to myself, "As if saying it with emphasis would help me know who this boss is?" "So does your boss have a name?" I said with extra sarcasm. "Oh yeah, Masterdrave" both voices said in harmony. Suddenly it all clicked for me. Masterdrave was the biggest douche in the world. How did these two goons know I was in this apartment? Who tipped them off? And did they know I was sent to kill their boss?