DDO Olympics Storytelling: Round 1

My opponent and I have agreed that this Round, Round 4, is only to be used for us providing positive and negative feedback on each other's stories. We ask that the judges refrain from voting on anything that occurs in this round, unless something is a wild conduct violation. I found my opponent to be a worthy debater and an excellent storyteller, and I really enjoyed working with him. I found his shift into the first-person perspective to be an interesting choice. I also believe my opponent did an excellent job with keeping consistent characters. He even used the same twist with Cardin that I'd planned to use! In the first round, I established (perhaps a bit too loosely) that the cottage with Gren and Cardin was Lord Ravensworth's place of residence. My opponent overlooked this. If Lord Ravensworth is an alcoholic, as my opponent implied in Round 1 ("As a self-proclaimed expert on [alcohol and whores"]), then it would be unlikely for him to underestimate his tendency to drink and thus pass out. There are no indications that the drink was drugged. I loved the idea of the Hanging Forest, but the method of getting Lord Ravensworth there (drunk, passed out, and waking up there) seemed a little odd. Still, I give my opponent credit for that creative idea. Recalling Lord Ravensworth's father was a nice touch, but it occurred rather randomly. It would have been better served if it were a few sentences earlier, when he was studying the Hanging Forest and perhaps saw a body that reminded him of his father. The way my opponent framed it reminded me of the infamous example (As the man stepped outside he remembered his daughter's smile when the snowflakes graced her eyelashes). Just because a narrator tells us a character recalls something does not mean it makes sense. When a character flashes back or recalls the past, there should be a reason or link. My opponent did this well with the use of the drug Cardin injects into Lord Ravensworth later. The reason my opponent provides for buying the lighthouse in Round 1 is rather odd - Lord Ravensworth bought it for its location? ("I bought the lighthouse because it stands on the edge of the pier. .. ." Additionally, this conflicts with my opponent's explanation of why Lord Ravensworth bought the lighthouse in Round 3 ("I was contemplating suicide. .. yes, that was why I bought the lifehouse" - is lifehouse a typo by the way? ). If Lord Ravensworth decides to go west the moment he leaves Gren's cabin, why does he then go the beach and wait before deciding to go west again? I like the "sudden and evil mist" simile (Round 1), but Cardin's apparent death flies out of nowhere and is glossed over. The scene with the jeep in Round 2, though rich in backstory, shifts between the present and past tense, and it doesn't feel intentional. The image of the father before the fireplace and Lord Ravensworth as a spectator observing the memory in Round 2 was one of my favorite images in the story. Amputating the feet in Round 2 proved to be an interesting touch! If the decision between which hallway to use in Round 3 was so simple, why did Lord Ravensworth sit there paralyzed? Cardin and Brother John (who was Brother Jones in the previous round, and Lord Ravensworth has no way of knowing the names of anyone else in the Virgin Church) seem remarkably calm considering Lord Ravensworth has just shot and killed several people. I know they know he's out of bullets, but what do Brother John/Jones and Ravensworth do while Cardin's fetching the syringe? Stare at each other? In Round 3, my opponent provided a narrative for the first meeting between Maria and Lord Ravensworth ("This is when I first met Maria"); however, this conflicts with the narrative I provided earlier in Round 2. I really enjoyed (wow, that sounds dark) the suicide at the ending; however, I am not sure if an abstract spirit can commit suicide or how Ravensworth could be comatose, as Cardin says, and yet still hear the beeping. The reader needs to, but in a first person narrative, that does not work. I enjoy it on a metaphorical level, but I question it on a logistical one. On the topic of the ending, I felt that it was rushed. The pace could have slowed a bit. I really appreciate my opponent returning to the ocean motif to end the story. I think we both did rather well as weaving it throughout. On that note, I also found it intriguing how many different symbols we turned the lighthouse into. I think my opponent and I took different tactics regarding Cardin as a villain. My opponent seemed to want to turn him into a cartoonish over-the-top evildoer who laughs manically at the pain of others. I tried to humanize him and make him more complex, portraying him as someone who genuinely believed his actions would help Lord Ravensworth find peace and happiness, even if he had to fight Lord Ravensworth to get there. My opponent made numerous typos, spelling mistakes, and grammatical errors in his narrations. All in all, I believe that, although my opponent and I have different styles of narration, we both worked to tell a strong story.