[Copyright 1987 by Robert J. Nemiroff]
                     \W\H    Interview   with   Sol    \w\h
           Mornings just wouldn't be the same without him.  He really
      does light up our life.  But did we ever thank him, even once?  No,
      never.  We should consider ourselves lucky that he doesn't get
      overheated.  Astronomy Magazine thus decided to thank that
      wonderful star of ours, Sol, for all those billions of years of
      free sunlight; tax free sunlight.  We also thanked him for that
      really great gravitational field of his that keeps us from
      cavorting around the galaxy.  To our surprise he granted us an
      exclusive interview.  We found out that being a star isn't always
      sunshine.
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      Astronomy Magazine: Mr. Sun, how did you become a star?
      Sol, our Sun: Please, call me Sol.  I answered an ad. "Galaxy Now
      Forming, Stars Needed." The ad made it look real easy.  Just sit
      around, make hydrogen into helium.  Have everyone look up to you.
      Have a career where you can really shine.  And I always thought I
      had what it took to be a star, you know.  I was young, I had great
      big clouds of hydrogen.
           The actual triggering event was the tragic death of a star
      right in our own neighborhood.  This shocked me and a lot of other
      large young gas regions into several new stages of development.  It
      totally changed our future.  Ironically, many of us eventually
      decided we wanted to become stars ourselves.
      AM: Your future must be very bright.
      Sol: Well it's not so easy being a star.  First of all, you have to
      be made of the right stuff.  And not only spunk and perseverance,
      also 75% hydrogen and 25% helium.  But I have all that.  It's the
      work schedule that's really impossible. 24 hours a day, 7 days a
      week, you really can't take a day off without people getting
      annoyed.
      AM: Are there a special class you had to be part of?
      Sol: Yes, luminosity class.  I, of course, wanted to be in the
      first class, but it turned out that was only for the brightest
      super-stars: the industry giants.  It turns out I was put at the
      bottom.  Class five.  The other classes all made fun of us.  "Dwarf
      stars" they would call us.
      AM: How did you do in your spectral studies?
      Sol: Not very well.  I wasn't in the hottest class there either.  I
      thought I had "A" potential, but after a while I was afraid they
      would give me an "F".  But it even got worse: "F" wasn't low enough
      for me.  I got a "G".  Oh, I felt bad for a while, I went through a
      real solar minimum.  But soon I found out lots of stars get "G's";
      or even lower.  Turns out "G's" out-number "A's" 30 to 1.
      AM: Are you happy with your home galaxy: the Milky Way?
      Sol: Well, when I signed on, I though we were going places.  I
      thought we would take on the universe, as a team.  Adventure,
      action, 100 billion stars, all together in one galactic union.  Now
      that, I thought, was power.  But all we ever do is go in circles.
      I've been around the center 60 times or so, it's no big deal.
      Spiral arms - one millennium your in them - the next your out -
      they're fickle.  The Andromeda galaxy is really no better; it's
      the same story there.  Now the Virgo Cluster - that's where all the
      local action turned out to be.
           I mean the Milky Way is OK and everything.  It's a little
      dusty, I guess, but at least it's stable.  We haven't collided with
      any other galaxies or anything.  We even have our little groupies:
      the Magellanic Clouds, galaxies like that.  It's home.
      AM: When did you decide to have planets?
      Sol: Very early in life, although I'm not exactly sure when - that
      part of my life was very nebulous.  I didn't really plan to have
      planets because I never had a steady companion.  They just sort of
      spun off of my care-free early life style.
      AM: Do you have trouble keeping the planets in line?
      Sol: I'll say.  I thought it would be easy - I'm hundreds of times
      bigger than they are.  Have some planets, they said, they won't
      perturb you much.  But they're running rings around me.  Mercury
      won't keep to a Newtonian orbit - the darn things' precessing all
      over the place.  Uranus fell over.  Jupiter's getting all spotty.
      Saturn has ring-around-the-collar.  And Earth: please turn down
      your radio; the emission is much too loud, the other planets are
      complaining.
      AM: Do you have any complaints?
      Sol: Well, there is one: privacy.  I know that when you become a
      star you give up a lot of personal privacy.  But what happened was
      ridiculous.  There are people looking at me at all times of the
      day.  And they're not just looking, they're using telescopes.  Big
      telescopes.  They look at my back, my front; no place is sacred.
      Privacy is really a problem.
           And sometimes I break out in those unsightly sunspots.  You
      know, those dark magnetic depressions.  You would hope they would
      look the other way, save me some embarrassment.  No way.  They take
      pictures.  It's incredible.  I break out in sunspots and next thing
      I know I'm on the cover of Astronomy Magazine or something.
           And you know what really gets me.  Sometimes I can't help
      myself.  Sometimes I accidentally let go of a little gas.  It's
      natural, it happens to everybody. "Solar Flares" they call it.
      They make movies of it.  They tell their friends.  Soon everyone is
      watching.  I'm so embarrassed.
      AM: This bothers you?
      Sol: Oh yeah.  Sometimes I get little mad.  I think of implementing
      a little photon tax.  Not much, just a penny or two per photon, or
      something like that.  Just to let you know I'm here.  Get a little
      respect once in a while.  I could go on strike, you know.  A few
      months without sunshine and you people would ante-up.
      AM: How do you get along with the other stars in the solar
      neighborhood?
      Sol: Pretty well.  I don't interact with them as much as I used to.
      Sometimes we joke around, throw some snowballs at each other.  But
      I'll tell you though, they're not happy with the privacy situation
      either.  They claim that when you guys aren't looking at me during
      the day, you're looking at them at night.  And with even bigger
      telescopes.  Don't you ever stop?  Even the married ones complain.
      AM: What's in the future for you?
      Sol: Well, I'm not really so unhappy with my present job.  It's a
      steady gig.  Maybe in a few billion years I'll apply for Red Giant
      status.  I don't have the helium yet.  That's the key to being a
      good Red Giant - helium.  But I'm saving up what I have.  I'll get
      there.  After that I'll probably just retire.  Fade away slowly.
      Nothing like Brutus - he was crazy.
      AM: We would like to thank you for all those years of warmth and
      sunlight.  I think I speak for the whole planet when I say we're
      really grateful.  Is there anything you wish to request of the
      people of earth?
      Sol: Yes.  Batteries.  This fusion stuff is not going to last
      forever.  Please send me 200 billion batteries.  Didn't you people
      read the instruction manual?  Size "Double D".  And not those
      cheapies you find on sale.
           Also a neutrino generator.  One of mine seems to be on the
      blink.