# Presentation: 254329

## Relationships: Getting the Relationship You Want

- Laura C. Flynn, Ph.D.
- James D. Martin Employee Worklife Center

## The Larger Context

- What is love?
- The 3 people in relationships
- The dance

## Some Interesting Facts

- Love and the Brain
- The mildly insane and love
- The High of Love

## Why We Fall in Love

## Imago Theory By Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.

- Falling in love: joy, aliveness, wholeness
- The projection drops away: anger, despair
- Difficulty as part of the growth process

## The Process of Imago

- Vision of illusion falls away
- Our partners are different from how we thought they were
- Our old hurts are re-activated and it seems that our partner is at fault
- A power struggle ensues
- At this time, your partner is “unqualified” to give you what you want

## The Process Continued

- Free will in choosing our partners?
- Our unconscious causes us to fall in love with those who remind us of our early caregivers
- When infatuation wears off, we suddenly discover that our partner denies us those same things as our early caregivers
- Imago > an image of “the person who will make me whole again”
- Another Imago: Opposites attract

## Imago in Action

- What is Conscious Relationship
- We work to give our partners what they need, not just what is easy to give
- Example: connectedness and separateness a common imago pairing

## Why Conflict is Good

## Conflict is Deepening and Healing

- Working through the wound as a source of conflict
- We have unconsciously chosen our partners to help us heal certain wounds
- Identify the wound
- The source of most conflict
- Not feeling heard, respected, attended to
- Stepping on the wound

## Can’t I Choose Someone Else?

- Opposites attract
- Differences in DNA have been shown to predict faithfulness and fidelity in relationships
- University of New Mexico: research on a set of genes that regulate the immune system
- As similarities in these genes increased, women were more likely to be unfaithful

## Working With Grievance

## The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse By John Gottman, Ph.D.

- Criticism
-  Attacking the person instead of stating how you feel about the troublesome behavior
- Defensiveness
-  High tension and lack of listening during discussions
- Contempt
-  Lack of respect and sarcasm in response to or about your partner
- Stonewalling
- Emotional shutdown and unresponsiveness in response to attempts to communicate
- Especially in areas of conflict

## Strategies for Conflict Management

- Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements
- Avoid inflammatory language, derogatory names
- No interruptions
- Focus on 1 topic
- Avoid past grievances, other issues
- Time-outs: ask for them
- 5 positives to 1 negative

## How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship By Pat Love, Ed.D. and Sunny Shulkin, Ph.D.

- Try to control everyone and everything
- When your partner tries to please you, find fault
- Keep score
- Win every fight
- Find your partner’s weak spot and use it against him/her
- “If you loved me, you would know what I want”
- Blame your partner, never take responsibility
- Start conversations when your partner is busy or exhausted
- Focus on changing your partner

## Active Listening

## Relationship Resources

- Hendrix, H. (1998). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples.
- _[http://www.imagotherapy.com](http://www.imagotherapy.com/)_
- Welwood, J. (2005) Perfect love, imperfect relationships: Healing the wound of the heart.
- Fisher, B. (2005) Rebuilding when your relationship ends.
- Berzon, B. (2004). Permanent partners: Building gay and lesbian relationships that last.

## Thanks for Attending Our Seminar!Please attend our Next Offering on:Basic Financial FitnessMarch 20, 2007