# Presentation: 025242

## Dispute Resolution and Conflict Management

- Human Capital Conference

- Pete Swanson
- Carr Swanson & Randolph, LLC
- March 14, 2005

## Learning Objectives

- Identify how style impacts behaviors,
- Learn approaches for dealing with divergent styles

## When dealing with difficult behaviors, what is your role as a supervisor? 

- Traffic cop
- Teacher
- Counselor
- Disciplinarian
- Friend
- Mentor
- ??

## People

-            Maybe

- Options

## 10 Classic Problem Types

- The** *****Tank***
- The** *****Sniper***
- The** *****Grenade***
- The** *****Know-It-All***
- The** *****Think-They-Know-It- All***

- The** *****Yes***** **Person
- The** *****Maybe***** **Person
- The** *****Nothing***** **Person
- The** *****No***** **Person
- The** *****Whiner***

- Adapted from _Dealing With People You Can’t Stand,_ Dr. Rick Brinkman & Dr. Rick Kirschner

**Notes:**
     While these many not be the only difficult character types who are out there in our multinational world, they are certainly representative of some of the more difficult people we’ll ever have to endure. But people aren’t born to be any of these; they develop this behavior for a variety of reasons and they can change it if the motivation to do so is right.

     But before we can think about applying the right influence to develop the motivation to change, we have to understand why these people act the way they do.

## From the Norm to the Extreme...

| People Who Must Get It Right
-Perfectionist
“Whiner”
“No” Person
“Nothing” Person

 | People Who Must Get It Done
-Controlling
“Sniper”
“Tank”
“Know-it-all”

                        |
| --- | --- |
| 

People Who Must Get Along
-Approval-Seeking
“Yes” person
“Maybe” person
“Nothing” person |            

People Who Must Get Appreciated
                   -Attention Seeking
“Grenade”
“Sniper”
“Think-they-know-it-all”                      |

***NormalZone***

**Task Focus**

**People Focus**

**Aggressive**

**Passive**

## From Conflict to Cooperation

**Essential Skills**
**Neutralizing**
- Any action that neutralizes negative behavior in order to _meet them where they are_ and move to common ground
**Redirecting**
- Any behavior that changes the direction of an interaction. Neutralizing precedes redirecting.

**Notes:**
	No one willingly cooperates with anyone who seems to be against them. Unconsciously or consciously, people want to know if you are with them or not. Blending is an essential communication skill that  always precedes redirecting, whether you are listening to understand or speaking to be understood.

## Neutralizing

- Neutralize with body and facial expressions
- Neutralize vocally with volume and speed
- Don’t Engage -- Probe!
- Listen to understand -- it is not “mine or theirs”
- Empathize
- Backtrack
- Clarify
- Summarize what you’ve heard
- Confirm to make sure you got it right

**Notes:**
	When people get along with one another, they naturally blend by mirroring each other’s body posture, facial expressions, tone,  and level of animation. This is a nature occurrence but be careful not to overdo it and always be sensitive to cross-cultural messages. It is not necessary to do so much nonverbal blending that the other person notices what is happening and feels like they are being mocked. Never blend with hostile gestures!
	When people express themselves verbally, they want feedback that they have been heard and understood. By helping a problem person to express themselves completely, you increase the likelihood of their being able and even willing to hear you in return. Understanding occurs on two levels -- emotionally (the person feels that you understand what they are feeling) and intellectually (the person believes that you understand what they are saying).
	Backtracking is repeating some of the key words that the other person is using. This sends a clear message that you are listening. Clarifying questions are open-ended questions designed to get a response. The benefits of asking clarifying questions include: 1) to gather better information than what is initially offered; 2) to help the other person become more rational; 3) to demonstrate that you care; 4) you can surface hidden agendas; and 5) you can manage the situation down.

## Redirecting

- Identify **positive intent**
- Their point is valid
- Apply “Positive Intent” to...
- Getting the job done
- Getting the job done right
- Getting along with others
- Getting appreciation

**Notes:**
	The failure to recognize and appreciate positive intent can have lasting consequences. If you’re dealing with someone who wants to get it done and you acknowledge this with communications that are brief and to the point so as not to obstruct them, you will increase cooperation and decrease misunderstanding.

	If you are dealing with someone who wants to get it right and you pay great attention to the details in your communication with them, you will increase cooperation and decrease misunderstanding.

	If you are dealing with someone who wants to get along and you show you care with a friendly chit chat and considerate communications, you will increase cooperation and decrease misunderstanding.

	If you are dealing with someone who wants to get appreciated and you recognize their contribution with words of enthusiastic appreciation, you will increase cooperation and decrease misunderstanding.

## Speak to be Understood

- Assertion vs. Aggression -- monitor your tone of voice
- State your intention
- Tactfully control interruptions
- Tell *your* truth
- Use “I” language
- Be specific about the problem behavior (impact)
- Help them understand how their behavior is self defeating
- Suggest new behaviors or options
- Stay flexible --explore options -- question before defending
- Reframe instead of rebut

**Notes:**
	Your tone of voice sends people either a positive or negative message about you opinion of them as a human being. Mixed messages, caused by voice tones that don’t match spoken words, can cause real problems in a relationship.

	If you assume that someone understands your positive (or real) intent, or your intent is implied rather than clearly stated, misunderstanding can result. Typically, people do not tell others their intent when communicating. The trick to communicating intent is to first ask yourself before you speak, “What is my real purpose for saying what I am about to say? What result am I really aiming for?” Speaking your intent first lets people know where you are coming from and prevents many misunderstandings.

	Honesty can be effective for any difficult behavior if you tell the truth in a way that builds someone up rather than tearing them down. 

## Get What You Project and Expect

- Raise your expectations of people to help them raise their expectations of themselves.
- Acknowledge their effort
- Be tough on bad behavior
- Expect good behavior
- Assume the best and give the benefit of the doubt
- Appreciate constructive criticism
- Don’t be defensive
- Verbally appreciate the person providing the criticism
- Redirect if necessary - focus on activities, not persons

**Notes:**
	Studies reveal that to some extent people rise or fall to the level of other’s expectations. Whenever to tell a person that they are doing something wrong, they will get defensive. You can minimize this defensiveness by giving them the benefit of the doubt and assuming the best.

## Choices for Defensive Behavior

- Take responsibility -- know when it happens
- Tell people what is happening with you -- they will help
- Slow down!

- Acknowledge the negative chatter in your head -- it is not about you!
- Check your, and others, assumptions
- Emotionally Detach! Don’t identify with the situation or take it as an attack

## Contact information

- Pete Swanson
- _[Pswanson@csradr](mailto:Pswanson@csradr.com)__[.com](mailto:Pswanson@csradr.com)_
- 703.818.1740