# Helping Your Child 

# through Early Adolescence

**for parents of children**

**from 10 through 14**

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**U.S. Department of Education**

Rod Paige

##### *Secretary* 

####### Office of Intergovernmental and Interagency Affairs

####### Laurie M. Rich

*Assistant Secretary*

John McGrath

*Senior Director for Community Services and Partnerships*

August 2002

This booklet is in the public domain. Authorization to reproduce it in
whole or in part for educational purposes is granted. While permission
to reprint this publication is not necessary, the citation should be:

U.S. Department of Education

Office of Intergovernmental and Interagency Affairs

# *Helping Your Child through Early Adolescence*

Washington, D.C., 20202

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## Foreword

Early adolescence can be a challenging time for children and parents
alike. Parents often feel unprepared and they may view the years from 10
through 14 as a time just "to get through." However, research and common
sense tell us that this view is very limited. During the early
adolescent years, parents and families can greatly influence the growth
and development of their children. We sell our children short if we
expect little from them and we sell ourselves short if we believe that
we have no influence.

A growing awareness that young adolescents can accomplish a great deal
is behind a national effort to improve education in America's middle
grades. At the heart of the *No Child Left Behind Act of 2001* is a
promise to raise standards for all children and to help all children
meet those standards. In support of this goal, President George W. Bush
is committed to promoting the very best teaching programs. Well-trained
teachers and instruction that is based on research can bring the best
teaching approaches and programs to children of all ages and help ensure
that no child is left behind. *Helping Your Child through Early
Adolescence* is part of the president's efforts to provide parents with
the latest research and practical information that can help you support
your children both at home and in school.

It's not easy to raise a young teen. Many outside influences distract
our children and complicate our efforts. Exhaustion, anxiety, a lack of
support and limited resources may make it hard for us to be all that we
want to be for our children. But whatever the challenges, we share one
aim: to do the best job possible as parents. We hope that you will find
this booklet helpful in achieving this goal.

## Contents

**\<page #s TK\>**

### Foreword 

### Bumps, No Boulders 

### Changes

### Being an Effective Parent

### Communication

### Independence

### Confidence

### Friendships

### Media

### The Middle Grades

### Parent Involvement

### Reading

### Motivation

### Values

### Problems

### Conclusion

### Resources

### Acknowledgments

### Tips to Help Your Child through Early Adolescence 

## Bumps, No Boulders

Mention being the parent of a young adolescent and other adults may roll
their eyes and express their sympathy. They see images of bedrooms in
which lost homework assignments share floor space with potato chip
wrappers and grubby sweatpants.

But parents' concerns run deeper than messy bedrooms. They worry about
the problems that young adolescents often face: rocky emotions,
rebellion, peer pressures, low motivation, drugs, alcohol and
pregnancies.

During the years from ages 10 through 14, children undergo many
physical, emotional and mental changes. Together these changes can throw
the lives of young teens and their parents off-balance. Major problems
may arise, particularly among children who are already at risk of school
failure.

On the other hand, if you talk to adults who work with young
adolescents---teachers, school counselors and principals---you see
another view of these children. It's true that young teens can be
frustrating and challenging and that they can test their parents'
patience. It's also true, however, that these same youngsters can be
funny, curious, imaginative and eager to learn*.* As research confirms,
most young teens run into bumps but no boulders. They (and their
parents) hit some rough spots, but they get through the young adolescent
years successfully and grow into adults who find work, create meaningful
relationships and become good citizens.

The journey through these years is easier when parents, families and
caregivers learn as much as they can about this time in children's lives
and when they give their children support. This booklet is designed to
help in this effort. It pulls together information from scientifically
based research, as well as from interviews with award-winning middle
school teachers, counselors and principals---most of whom also are---or
have been recently---parents of young adolescents. The booklet addresses
the following questions and concerns that parents of young teens often
raise:

-   How will my child change between the ages of 10 and 14?

-   What can I do to be a good parent for my adolescent?

-   How can I communicate better with my child?

-   How much independence should I give my child?

-   How can I help my child to become more confident?

-   How can I help my child to form good friendships and to resist
    harmful peer pressure?

-   What can I do to keep the media from being a bad influence on my
    child?

-   What is school like for adolescents?

-   What's the best way for me to stay involved in my child's school and
    in other activities?

-   How can I help my child to be a successful reader?

-   How can I keep my child motivated to learn and do well, both in and
    out of school?

-   What can I do to help my child to develop good values and to learn
    right from wrong?

-   How can I tell---and what can I do---if my child is having a serious
    problem?

## Changes {#changes-1 .unnumbered}

***How will my child change between the ages of 10 and 14?***

Throughout our lives we grow and change, but during early adolescence
the rate of change is especially evident. We consider 10-year-olds to be
children; we think of 14-year-olds as "almost adults." We welcome the
changes, but we also find them a little disturbing. When children are
younger, it is easier to predict when a change might take place and how
rapidly. But by early adolescence, the relationship between a child's
real age and her[^1] developmental milestones grows weaker. Just *how*
young teens develop can be influenced by many things: for example,
genes, families, friends, neighborhoods and values and other forces in
society.

### Physical Changes  {#physical-changes .unnumbered}

As they enter puberty, young teens undergo a great many physical
changes, not only in size and shape, but in such things as the growth of
pubic and underarm hair and increased body odor. For girls, changes
include the development of breasts and the start of menstruation; for
boys, the development of testes.

Adolescents do not all begin puberty at the same age. For girls, it may
take place anywhere from the age of 8 to 13; in boys, on average, it
happens about two years later. This is the time period when students'
physical characteristics vary the most within their classes and among
their friends---some may grow so much that, by the end of the school
year, they may be too large for the desks they were assigned in
September. Others may change more slowly.

Early adolescence often brings with it new concerns about body image and
appearance. Both girls and boys who never before gave much thought to
their looks may suddenly spend hours primping, worrying and
complaining---about being too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny or
too pimply. Body parts may grow at different times and rates. Hands and
feet, for example, may grow faster than arms and legs. Because movement
of their bodies requires coordination of body parts---and because these
parts are of changing proportions---young adolescents may be clumsy and
awkward in their physical activities

The rate at which physical growth and development takes place also can
influence other parts of a young teen's life. An 11-year-old girl who
has already reached puberty will have different interests than will a
girl who does not do so until she's 14. Young teens who bloom very early
or very late may have special concerns. Late bloomers (especially boys)
may feel they can't compete in sports with more physically developed
classmates. Early bloomers (especially girls) may be pressured into
adult situations before they are emotionally or mentally able to handle
them. The combined effect of the age on the beginning for physical
changes in puberty and the ways in which friends, classmates, family and
the world around them respond to those changes can have long-lasting
effects on an adolescent. Some young teens, however, like the idea that
they are developing differently from their friends. For example, they
may enjoy some advantages, especially in sports, over classmates who
mature later

Whatever the rate of growth, many young teens have an unrealistic view
of themselves and need to be reassured that differences in growth rates
are normal.

### Emotional Changes  {#emotional-changes .unnumbered}

Most experts believe that the idea of young teens being controlled by
their "raging hormones" is exaggerated. Nonetheless, this age can be one
of mood swings, sulking, a craving for privacy and short tempers. Young
children are not able to think far ahead, but young teens can and
do---which allows them to worry about the future. Some may worry
excessively about:

-   their school performance;

-   their appearance, physical development and popularity;

-   the possible death of a parent;

-   being bullied at school;

-   school violence;

-   not having friends;

-   drugs and drinking;

-   hunger and poverty in the country;

-   their inability to get a good job;

-   nuclear bombs and terrorists attacks on the country;

-   the divorce of their parents; and

-   dying.

    Many young teens are very self-conscious. And, because they are
    experiencing dramatic physical and emotional changes, they are often
    overly sensitive about themselves. They may worry about personal
    qualities or "defects" that are major to them, but are hardly
    noticeable to others. (Belief: "I can't go to the party tonight
    because *everyone* will laugh at this baseball-sized zit on my
    forehead." Facts: The pimple is tiny and hidden by hair.) A young
    teen also can be caught up in himself. He may believe that he is the
    only person who feels the way he feels or has the same experiences,
    that he is so special that no one else, particularly his family, can
    understand him. This belief can contribute to feelings of loneliness
    and isolation. In addition, a young teen's focus on herself has
    implications for how she mixes with family and friends. ("I *can't*
    be seen going to a movie with my *mother*!")

    Teens' emotions often seem exaggerated. Their actions seem
    inconsistent. It is normal for young teens to swing regularly from
    being happy to being sad and from feeling smart to feeling dumb. In
    fact, some think of adolescence as a second toddlerhood. As Carol
    Bleifield, a middle school counselor in Wisconsin, explains, "One
    minute, they want to be treated and taken care of like a small
    child. Five minutes later they are pushing adults away, saying, 'Let
    me do it.' It may help if you can help them understand that they are
    in the midst of some major changes, changes that don't always move
    steadily ahead."

    In addition to changes in the emotions that they feel, most young
    teens explore different ways to express their emotions. For example,
    a child who greeted friends and visitors with enthusiastic hugs may
    turn into a teen who gives these same people only a small wave or
    nod of the head. Similarly, hugs and kisses for a parent may be
    replaced with a pulling away and an, "Oh, Mom!" It's important to
    remember, though, that these are usually changes in *ways of
    expressing* feelings and not the actual *feelings* about friends,
    parents and family.

    Be on the lookout for *excessive* emotional swings or long-lasting
    sadness in your child. These can suggest severe emotional problems.
    (For more information, see the **Problems** section, page
    **\<TK\>**.)

### Cognitive Changes {#cognitive-changes .unnumbered}

The cognitive or mental, changes that take place in early adolescence
may be less easy to see, but they can be just as dramatic as physical
and emotional changes. During adolescence, most teens make large leaps
in the way they think, reason and learn. Younger children need to see
and touch things to be convinced that they are real. But in early
adolescence, children become able to think about ideas and about things
that they can't see or touch. They become better able to think though
problems and see the consequences of different points of view or
actions. For the first time, they can think about what might be, instead
of what is. A 6-year-old thinks a smiling person is happy and a crying
person is sad. A 14-year-old may tell you that a sad person smiles to
hide his true feelings.

The cognitive changes allow young teens to learn more advanced and
complicated material in school. They become eager to gain and apply
knowledge and to consider a range of ideas or options. These mental
changes also carry over into their emotional lives. Within the family,
for example, the ability to reason may change the way a young teen talks
to and acts around her parents. She begins to anticipate how her parents
will react to something she says or does and prepares an answer or an
explanation.

In addition, these mental changes lead adolescents to consider who they
are and who they may be. This is a process called *identity formation*
and it is a major activity during adolescence. Most adolescents will
explore a range of possible identities. They go through "phases" that to
a parent can seem to be ever-changing. Indeed, adolescents who don't go
through this period of exploration are at greater risk of developing
psychological problems, especially depression, when they are adults.

Just as adults, with more experience and cognitive maturity can struggle
with their different roles, adolescents struggle in developing a sense
of who they are. They begin to realize that they play different roles
with different people: son or daughter, friend, teammate, student,
worker and so forth.

Young teens may be able to think more like adults, but they still do not
have the experience that is needed to act like adults. As a result,
their behavior may be out of step with their ideas. For example, your
child may participate eagerly in a walk to raise money to save the
environment---but litter the route she walks with soda cans. Or she may
spend an evening on the phone or exchanging e-mails with a friend
talking about how they dislike a classmate because she gossips.

It takes time for young teens and their parents to adjust to all these
changes. But the changes are also exciting. They allow a young teen to
see what she can be like in the future and to develop plans for becoming
that person.

## Being an Effective Parent {#being-an-effective-parent-1 .unnumbered}

***What can I do to be a good parent for my early adolescent child?***

Parents often become less involved in the lives of their children as
they enter the middle grades. But your young adolescent needs as much
attention and love from you as he needed when he was younger---and maybe
more. A good relationship with you or with other adults is the best
safeguard your child has as he grows and explores. By the time he
reaches adolescence, you and he will have had years of experience with
each other; the parent of today's toddler is parent to tomorrow's
teenager.

Your relationship with your child may change---in fact, it almost
certainly must change---however, as she develops the skills required to
be a successful adult. These changes can be rewarding and welcome. As
your middle school child makes mental and emotional leaps, your
conversations will grow richer. As her interests develop and deepen, she
may begin to teach *you*---how to slug a baseball, what is happening
with the city council or county board or why a new book is worth
reading.

America is home to people with a great variety of attitudes, opinions
and values. Americans have different ideas and priorities, which can
affect how we choose to raise our children. Across these differences,
however, research has shown that being effective parents involves the
following qualities:

-   **Showing love.** When our children behave badly, we may become
    angry or upset with them. We may also feel miserable because we
    become angry or upset. But these feelings are different from not
    loving our children. Young adolescents need adults who are there for
    them---people who connect with them, communicate with them, spend
    time with them and show a genuine interest in them. This is how they
    learn to care for and love others. According to school counselor
    Carol Bleifield, "Parents can love their children but not
    necessarily love what they do---and children need to trust that this
    is true."

-   **Providing support.** Young adolescents need support as they
    struggle with problems that may seem unimportant to their parents
    and families. They need praise when they've done their best. They
    need encouragement to develop interests and personal
    characteristics.

-   **Setting limits.** Young adolescents need parents or other adults
    who consistently provide structure and supervision that is firm and
    appropriate for age and development. Limits keep all children,
    including young teens, physically and emotionally safe. Carole
    Kennedy is a former middle school principal, U.S. Department of
    Education's Principal-in-Residence (2000) and president of the
    National Association of Elementary School Principals. She puts it
    this way, "They need parents who can say, 'No, you cannot go to the
    mall all day or to movies with that group of kids." Psychologist
    Diana Baumrind identifies three types of parents: *authoritarian,
    permissive and* *authoritative*. By studying about findings from
    more than 20 years of research, she and her colleagues have found
    that to be effective parents, it's best to avoid extremes.
    *Authoritarian* parents who lay down hard-and-fast rules and expect
    their children to always do as they are told or *permissive* parents
    who have very few rules or regulations and give their children too
    much freedom are most likely to have the most difficult time as
    parents. Their children are at risk for a range of negative
    behavioral and emotional consequences. However, *authoritative*
    parents, who set limits that are clear and come with explanations,
    tend to struggle less with their adolescents. "Do it because I said
    so" probably didn't work for your son when he was 6 and it's even
    less likely to work now that he's an adolescent. (For more
    information on setting limits, see the **Independence** section,
    page **\<TK\>**.)

-   **Being a role model.** Young adolescents need strong role models.
    Try to live the behavior and values that you hope your child will
    develop. Your actions speak louder than words. If you set high
    standards for yourself and treat others with kindness and respect,
    your child stands a better chance of following your example. As
    adolescents explore possibilities of who they may become, they look
    to their parents, peers, well-known personalities and others to
    define who they may become.

-   **Teaching responsibility.** We are not born knowing how to act
    responsibly. A sense of responsibility is formed over time. As
    children grow up, they need to learn to take more and more
    responsibility for such things as:

    ---completing chores, such as doing yard work, cleaning their rooms
    or helping to prepare meals, that contribute to the family's well
    being;

    ---completing homework assignments without being nagged;

    ---taking on community activities;

    ---finding ways to be useful to others; and

    ---admitting to both the good and bad choices that they make.

-   **Providing a range of experiences.** Adolescence is a time for
    exploring many areas and doing new things. Your child may try new
    sports and new academic pursuits and read new books. He may
    experiment with different forms of art, learn about different
    cultures and careers and take part in community or religious
    activities. Within your means, you can open doors for your child.
    You can introduce him to new people and to new worlds. In doing so,
    you may renew in yourself long-ignored interests and talents, which
    also can set a good example for your child. Don't be discouraged
    when his interests change.

-   **Showing respect.** It is tempting to label all young adolescents
    as being difficult and rebellious. But these youngsters vary as much
    as do children in any other age group. Your child needs to be
    treated with respect, which requires you to recognize and appreciate
    her differences and to treat her as an individual. Respect also
    requires you to show compassion by trying to see things from your
    child's point of view and to consider her needs and feelings. By
    treating your young adolescent with respect, you help her to take
    pleasure in good behavior.

    There are no perfect parents. However, a bad decision or an "off"
    day (or week or month) isn't likely to have any lasting impact on
    your child. What's most important in being an effective parent is
    what you do over time.

## Communication {#communication-1 .unnumbered}

***How can I communicate better with my child?***

Young adolescents often aren't great communicators, particularly with
their parents and other adults who love them. Emily Hutchison, a middle
school teacher from Texas notes that young teens "often feel they can
talk with anyone better than their parents---even wonderful parents."
"They tend to be private," explains Patricia Lemons, a middle school
teacher in New Mexico. "They don't necessarily want to tell you what
they did at school today."

Many psychologists have found, however, that when parents know where
their children are and what they are doing (and when the adolescent
knows the parent knows, what psychologists call *monitoring*),
adolescents are at a lower risk for a range of bad experiences,
including drug, alcohol and tobacco use; sexual behavior and pregnancy;
and delinquency and violence. The key, according to psychologists, is to
be inquisitive but not interfering, working to respect your child's
privacy as you establish trust and closeness.

It's easiest to communicate with a young teen if you established this
habit when your child was little. As school counselor Carol Bleifield
explains, "You don't suddenly dive in during the seventh grade and say,
'So what did you do with your friends on Friday night?'" But it's not
impossible to improve communication when your child reaches early
adolescence. Here are some tips:

-   **Realize that no recipe exists for successful communication.** What
    works for getting one child to talk about what's important doesn't
    always work with another one. One middle school teacher and mother
    of two says her daughter is open and talkative; her son is quieter.
    But because her son likes to listen to music, to write and to read,
    this mother often goes with him to a local bookstore. Here, in a
    place where he's comfortable, the son describes stories and book
    characters as a link to what he is thinking and feeling. By
    listening to music with him and proofreading his writing when he's
    willing to let her this mother encourages her son to open up.

-   **Listen.** "You need to spend a lot of time *not* talking,"
    suggests Diane Crim, a middle school teacher in Utah. To listen
    means to avoid interrupting and it means to pay close attention.
    This is best done in a quiet place with no distractions. It's hard
    to listen carefully if you're also trying to cook dinner or watch
    television. Often just talking with your child about a problem or an
    issue helps to clarify things. Sometimes the less you offer advice,
    the more your young teen may ask you for it. Listening can also be
    the best way to uncover a more serious problem that requires your
    attention.

-   **Create opportunities to talk.** To communicate with your child you
    need to make yourself available. Young adolescents resist
    "scheduled" talks; they don't open up when you tell them to, but
    when *they* want to. Some teens like to talk when they first get
    home from school. Others may like to talk at the dinner table or at
    bedtime. Some parents talk with their children in the car,
    preferably when the radio, tapes and CDs aren't playing. "I take my
    daughter to a mall---not the closer one, but the cooler one that is
    an hour and a half away," says a middle school teacher and mother.
    Many of the best conversations grow out of shared activities.
    "Parents try to grab odd moments and have this deep communication
    with their child," notes Sherry Tipps, an Arkansas teacher. "Then
    they are frustrated because it doesn't happen."

-   **Talk over differences.** Communication breaks down for some
    parents because they find it hard to manage differences with their
    child. It's often easiest to limit these differences when you have
    put in place clear expectations. If your 13-year-old daughter knows
    she's to be home by 9:30 p.m.---and if she knows the consequences
    for not meeting this curfew---the likelihood that she will be home
    on time increases.

    Differences of opinion are easier to manage when we recognize that
    these differences can provide important opportunities for us to
    rethink the limits and to negotiate new ones, a skill that is
    valuable for your child to develop. For example, when your daughter
    is 14, setting a later curfew for some occasions may be fine. Such
    negotiations are possible because of your child's growing cognitive
    skills and ability to reason and consider many possibilities and
    views. Because she can consider that her curfew should be later on
    the weekend than on school nights, your insistence that "it doesn't
    matter" will only create a conflict.

    When differences arise, telling your child your concerns firmly but
    calmly can prevent differences from becoming battles. Explaining
    *why* your child made or wants to make a poor choice is more
    constructive: "Dropping out of your algebra class will cut off lots
    of choices for you in the future. Some colleges won't admit you
    without two years of algebra, plus geometry and some trigonometry.
    Let's get you some help with algebra."

-   **Avoid over-reacting.** Responding too strongly can lead to yelling
    and screaming and it can shut down conversation. "Try to keep
    anxiety and emotions out of the conversation---then kids will open
    up," advises eighth-grade teacher Anne Jolly from Alabama. Instead
    of getting riled up, she says, "It's better to ask, 'What do you
    think about what you did? Let's talk about this.'"

    Middle school teacher Charles Summers adds, "Kids are more likely to
    be open if they look at you as somebody who is not going to spread
    their secrets or get extremely upset if they confess something to
    you. If your kid says, 'I've got to tell you something. Friday night
    I tried beer,' and you go off the deep end, your kid won't tell you
    again."

    At a time when they are already judging themselves critically,
    adolescents make themselves vulnerable when they open up to parents.
    We know that the best way to encourage a behavior is to reward it.
    If you are critical when your teenager talks to you, what he sees is
    that his openness gets punished rather than rewarded.

-   **Talk about things that are important to your young teen.**
    Different youngsters like to talk about different things. Some of
    the things they talk about may not seem important to you, but, as
    school counselor Carol Bleifield explains, "With kids, sometimes
    it's like a different culture. You need to try to understand this,
    to put yourself in their place and time." She cautions against
    pretending to be excited about something that bores you. By asking
    questions and listening, however, you can show your child that you
    respect his feelings and opinions. Here are topics that generally
    interest young adolescents:

    *---School*. If you ask your child, "What did you do in school
    today?" she most likely will answer, "Nothing." Of course, you know
    that isn't true. By looking at your child's assignment book or
    reading notices sent home by the school, you will know that on
    Tuesday, your 10-year-old began studying animals in South America
    that are headed for extinction or that the homecoming football game
    is Friday night. With this information, you then can ask your child
    about *specific* classes or activities, which is more likely to
    start a conversation.

    *---Hobbies and personal interests.* If your child loves sports,
    talk about his favorite team or event or watch the World Series or
    the Olympics with him. Most young adolescents are interested in
    music. Barbara Braithwaite, a middle school teacher in Pennsylvania
    notes that "Music has been the signature of every generation. It
    defines each age group. Parents ought to at least know the names of
    popular singers." It's important, however, to tell your child when
    you believe that the music he is listening to is inappropriate---and
    to explain why. Your silence can be misconstrued as approval.

    *---Emotions.* As was pointed out earlier, young adolescents worry
    about a lot of different things. They worry about: their friends,
    being popular, sexuality, being overweight or scrawny, tomorrow's
    math test, grades, getting into college, being abandoned and the
    future of the world. The list goes on. Sometimes it's hard to know
    if a problem seems big to your child. School counselor Carol
    Bleifield says that if she is unsure, she asks, "Is this a small
    problem, a medium problem or a big problem? How important is it to
    you? How often do you worry about it?" Figuring out the size and
    importance of the problem helps her decide how to address it.

    *---Family.* Young adolescents like to talk about and be involved in
    plans for the whole family, such as vacations, as well as things
    that affect them individually, such as curfews or allowances. If you
    need back surgery, your child will want to know ahead of time. She
    may also want to learn more about the operation. Being a part of
    conversations about such topics can contribute to your child's
    feelings of belonging and security.

    *---Sensitive subjects.* Families should handle sensitive subjects
    in a way that is consistent with their values. Remember, though,
    that avoiding such subjects won't make them go away. If you avoid
    talking with your child about sensitive subjects, he may turn to the
    media or his friends for information. This increases the chances
    that what he hears will be out of line with your values or that the
    information will be wrong---or both.

    Sharon Sikora, a middle school teacher from Colorado, explains that
    middle schoolers have wrong or inaccurate information about many
    important subjects. They will say they know about certain sensitive
    topics but they really don't. Discussing a sensitive subject
    directly may not work, Ms. Sikora notes, "You can't just sit down
    and say, 'Today we are going to talk about marijuana use.' That
    shuts down the conversation before you ever start."

    *---Parents' lives, hopes and dreams.* Many young adolescents want a
    window to their parents' world, both past and present. How old were
    you when you got your ears pierced? Did you ever have a teacher who
    drove you crazy? Did you get an allowance when you were 11? If so,
    how much? Were you sad when your grandpa died? What is your boss
    like at work? This doesn't mean you are obligated to dump all of
    your problems and emotions into your child's lap. You are a parent
    not a peer and an inappropriate question may best be left answered.
    However, recounting some things about your childhood and your life
    today can help your child sort out his own life.

    *---The future.* As the cognitive abilities of young adolescents
    develop, they begin to think more about the future and its
    possibilities. Your child may want to talk more about what to expect
    in the years to come---life after high school, jobs and marriage. He
    may ask questions such as, "What is it like to live in a college
    dormitory?" "How old do you have to be to get married?" "Is there
    any chance that the world will blow up some day?" "Will there be
    enough gasoline so that I can drive a car when I get older?" These
    questions deserve the best answers that you can provide (and those
    that you can't answer deserve an honest, "I don't know.").

    *---Culture, current events*. Ours is a media-rich world. Even young
    children are exposed to television, music, movies, video and
    computer games and other forms of media. Remember, though, that the
    media can provide a window into your adolescent's world. For
    example, if you and your child have seen the same movie (together or
    separately), you can ask her whether she liked it and what parts she
    liked best.

-   **Communicate with kindness and respect.** Young teens can say or do
    things that are outrageous or mean-spirited or both. However hard
    your child pushes your buttons, it's best to respond calmly. The
    respect and self-control that you display in talks with your child
    may some day be reflected in her conversations with others.

    *How* you say something is as important as *what* you say. "Stop
    picking at your face" can reduce a young adolescent to tears. "Your
    room looks like a pigsty" isn't as helpful as, "You need to spend
    some time picking up your room. The job will be easier if you spend
    5 minutes right now picking the clothes up off the floor---putting
    the dirty ones in the hamper and hanging the clean ones up. After
    lunch you can spend 5 minutes straightening up your bookshelf."
    Youngsters also pay attention to the tone of your voice. A
    10-year-old can easily tell a calm voice from an angry one.

    Kindness goes hand-in-hand with respect. As Joan Lipsitz, a
    nationally recognized authority on educating middle-grade students
    and the mother of two grown children, explains, "When I was an
    active parent and teacher, I had a rule that grew out of a classroom
    experience: 'I will never knowingly be unkind to you and you will
    never knowingly be unkind to me.' That turned out to be the most
    powerful rule I ever set, either in the classroom---it changed the
    culture---or at home."

    Communicating with respect also requires not talking down to
    adolescents. They are becoming more socially conscious and aware of
    events in the world and they appreciate thoughtful conversations.
    Jerri Foley, a middle school counselor in South Carolina, tells the
    story of a trip she made with a group of adolescent girls when the
    state was debating whether to continue flying the Confederate battle
    flag from atop the state house. "We were driving along the highway
    when we got into a big discussion," she recalls. "We got so intense
    talking about it that we missed the exit to come home."

## Independence {#independence-1 .unnumbered}

***How much independence should I give my child?***

As children enter adolescence, they often beg for more freedom. Parents
walk a tightrope between wanting their children to be confident and able
to do things for themselves and knowing that the world can be a scary
place with threats to their children's health and safety.

Some parents allow too much of the wrong kind of freedom or they offer
freedom before the adolescent is ready to accept it. Other parents cling
too tightly, denying young teens both the responsibilities they require
to develop maturity and the opportunities they need to make choices and
accept their consequences.

Research tells us that adolescents do best when they remain closely
connected to their parents but at the same time are allowed to have
their own points of view and even to disagree with their parents. Here
are some tips to help balance closeness and independence:

-   **Set limits.** All children sometimes resist limits, but they want
    them and they need them. In a world that can seem too hectic for
    adults and adolescents alike, limits provide a security. Oftentimes,
    adolescents whose parents do not set limits feel unloved. Setting
    limits is most effective when it begins early. It is harder but not
    impossible, however, to establish limits during early adolescence.

-   **Be clear.** Most young teens respond best to specific
    instructions, which are repeated regularly. As middle school teacher
    Sharon Sikora notes, "Don't just say, 'I want your room clean,'
    because they don't know what that means. Say, in a non-argumentative
    way, 'This is how I perceive a clean room.' They may say, 'I don't
    really want the lamp over here, I want it over there.' Give them the
    freedom to express themselves."

-   **Give reasonable choices.** Choices make young teens more open to
    guidance. For example, you can tell your son that his algebra
    homework must be done before bedtime, but that he has a choice of
    completing it either before or after supper. And you can tell your
    14-year-old daughter that she can't hang around the video arcade
    with her friends on Saturday night, but she can have a group of
    friends over to your house to watch a movie.

    Using humor and creativity as you give choices may also make your
    child more willing to accept them. One middle school teacher
    couldn't get her own child to hang up clean clothes or put dirty
    clothes in the laundry basket. So she gave her daughter two
    options---either all the clothes had to be picked up or everything
    would go on the floor. "I was washing the clothes, then putting them
    in piles on the floor," the teacher recalls. "It made me crazy, but
    it worked." After two weeks, her daughter got tired of the stacks on
    the floor and she began picking up her clothes.

-   **Grant independence in stages.** The more mature and responsible a
    young teen's behavior is, the more privileges parents can grant. You
    might first give your young teen the right to choose which sneakers
    to buy within a certain price range. Later you can let him make
    other clothing purchases---with the understanding that price tags
    won't be removed until you approve the items. Eventually, you can
    give him a clothing allowance to spend as he likes.

-   **Health and safety come first.** Your most important responsibility
    as a parent is to protect your child's health and safety. Your child
    needs to know that your love for her requires you to veto activities
    and choices that threaten either of these. Let your child know what
    things threaten her health and safety---and often the health and
    safety of others---and put your foot down. Doing this is made more
    difficult, though, because adolescents have a sense that nothing can
    hurt them. At the same time that he feels that everything he
    experiences is new and unique, an adolescent also believes that what
    happens to others will not happen to him. His beliefs are based on
    the fact that adolescence is the healthiest period of time during
    our lives. In this period, physical illnesses are not common and
    fatal disease is rare. The important thing to emphasize to your
    child is that, while he may be very healthy, death and injury during
    adolescence are most often caused by violence and accidents.

-   **Say no to choices that cut off future options.** Some things
    aren't worth fighting about. It may offend you if your son wears a
    shirt to school that clashes wildly with his pants, but this isn't a
    choice that can cut off future possibilities for him. Young teens
    may have a growing sense of the future, but they still lack the
    experiences required to fully understand how a decision they make
    today can affect them tomorrow. They may have heard that smoking is
    unhealthy, but they do not fully understand what it means to die of
    lung cancer at the age of 45. Talk to your children about the
    lifelong consequences of choices they make. Help them understand
    there are good and bad decisions and that knowing one from the other
    can make all the difference in their lives. Let your child know that
    you are "the keeper of options" until he is old enough and
    responsible enough to assume this responsibility: He may not skip
    school and he may not avoid taking tough courses that will prepare
    him for college.

-   **Guide, but resist the temptation to control.** The earlier section
    on being an effective parent discussed the importance of striking a
    good balance between laying down the law and allowing too much
    freedom. With most young teens, it's easiest to maintain this
    balance by guiding but not controlling. Young teens need
    opportunities to explore different roles, try on new personalities
    and experiment. They need to learn that choices have consequences.
    That means making some mistakes and accepting the results. But
    parents need to provide guidance so that young teens avoid making
    too many poor choices.

    You can guide by being a good listener and by asking questions that
    help your child to think about the results of her actions: "What
    could happen if you let someone who is drunk drive you home?" Your
    guidance may be better appreciated if you ask your child's advice on
    a range of matters and follow the advice if it seems reasonable:
    "What should we cook for Daddy's birthday?" "I don't have to work on
    Saturday. Is there anything special you'd like to do?"

    The fine line between guiding and controlling may be different for
    different children. Some children, whether they are 7 or 17, need
    firmer guidance and fewer privileges than do other children at the
    same age. One middle school teacher explains how the different
    behavior of her own two teens created a need for different limits:
    "My daughter understood a midnight curfew to mean that she either
    had to be in the house with the door locked by 12 or else she must
    have placed the call from the emergency room informing her parents
    that she had broken her leg. My son, who was 15 months younger,
    understood a midnight curfew to mean that he could call at 11:59
    p.m. to inform his parents that he'd be home after the pizza he'd
    ordered with his buddies had arrived and been consumed and he'd
    driven home his 6 friends."

-   **Let kids make mistakes.** We want our children to grow into adults
    who can solve problems and make good choices. These abilities are a
    critical part of being independent. To develop these abilities,
    however, young teens on occasion may need to fail, provided the
    stakes aren't too high and no one's health or safety is at risk.
    Making mistakes also allows young teens to learn one critical
    skill---how to bounce back. It's hard for a child to learn how to
    pick himself up and start over if his parents always rescue him from
    difficulties.

-   **Make actions have consequences.** If you tell your child that she
    must be home by 10 p.m., do not ignore her midnight arrival. You
    lose credibility with your child if she suffers no consequences for
    returning home two hours late. However, the punishment should fit
    the crime. Grounding a child for six weeks restricts the entire
    family. Instead, you might talk with your child about how coming in
    two hours late has affected you. You've been up worrying and have
    missed your sleep. But you'll still have to get up the next morning
    at your regular time, make breakfast, do your chores and go to work.
    Because her lack of consideration has made your life harder, she
    will have to complete some of your chores so that you can get to bed
    earlier the next night.

    Finally and despite what we often hear and read, adolescents look to
    their parents first and foremost in shaping their lives. When it
    comes to morals and ethics, political beliefs and religion,
    teenagers almost always have more in common with their parents than
    their parents believe. As a parent, you should look beyond the
    surface, beyond the specific behaviors to who your child is
    becoming. Your teenager may want to dye her hair purple and pierce
    most parts of her body, but these expressions may be independent of
    her sense of who she is and who she will become. At the same time
    that many of your child's behaviors are ultimately harmless, some of
    them may not only be harmful but also deadly.

## Parents need to talk to their children and make it clear that many of the major threats to their future health and happiness are not a matter of chance, but are a matter of choice -- choices like drinking and driving, smoking, drugs, sexual activity, and dropping out of school. {#parents-need-to-talk-to-their-children-and-make-it-clear-that-many-of-the-major-threats-to-their-future-health-and-happiness-are-not-a-matter-of-chance-but-are-a-matter-of-choice-choices-like-drinking-and-driving-smoking-drugs-sexual-activity-and-dropping-out-of-school. .unnumbered}

##  {#section .unnumbered}

## Research tells us that adolescents who engage in one risky behavior are more likely to participate in others, so parents need to be front and center, talking to their children about the potentially deadly consequences of opening that Pandora's box.  {#research-tells-us-that-adolescents-who-engage-in-one-risky-behavior-are-more-likely-to-participate-in-others-so-parents-need-to-be-front-and-center-talking-to-their-children-about-the-potentially-deadly-consequences-of-opening-that-pandoras-box. .unnumbered}

## Confidence

***How can I help my child to become more confident?***

Young teens often feel inadequate. They have new bodies and developing
minds and their relationships with friends and family members are in
flux. They understand for the first time that they aren't good at
everything. The changes in their lives may take place more rapidly than
their ability to adjust to them.

Poor self-esteem often peaks in early adolescence, then improves during
the middle and late teen years as identities gain strength and focus. At
any age, however, a lack of confidence can be a serious problem. Young
teens with poor self-esteem can be lonely, awkward with others and
sensitive to criticism and with what they see as their shortcomings.
Young teens with low confidence are less likely to join in activities
and form friendships. This isolates them further and slows their ability
to develop a better self-image. When they do make friends, they are more
vulnerable to negative peer pressure.

Some young adolescents who lack confidence hold back in class. Others
act out to gain attention. At its worst, a lack of confidence is often
linked with self-destructive behavior and habits---smoking or drug or
alcohol use, for example.

Girls often experience deeper self-doubts than do boys (although there
are many exceptions). This can be for many reasons:

-   Society sends girls the message that it is important for them to get
    along with others and to be very, very thin and pretty. Life can be
    just as hard, however, for a boy who thinks he has to meet society's
    expectations that boys have to be good at sports and other physical
    activities.

-   Girls mature physically about two years earlier than do boys, which
    requires girls to deal with issues of how they look, popularity and
    sexuality before they are emotionally mature enough to do so.

-   Girls may receive confusing messages about the importance of
    achievement. Although girls are told that achievement is important,
    some also fear that they won't be liked, especially by boys, if they
    come across as too smart or too capable, especially in the areas of
    math, science and technology.

    If your young adolescent suffers from a severe lack of confidence
    over long period, she may benefit from seeing a counselor or other
    professional. This is especially true if she also has a drug or
    alcohol problem, a learning disability, an eating disorder or severe
    depression. (See the **Problems** section, page **\<TK\>,** for
    information that can help you to decide whether your child fits into
    one of these categories.) Most young adolescents will get through
    the rough spots with adequate time and support.

    Most psychologists now believe that self-esteem and self-confidence
    represent a range of feelings that a child has about himself in many
    different situations. Psychologist Susan Harter has developed a
    theory of self-esteem that considers both a child's sense of
    confidence in an area of activity and how important that area is to
    the child. For example, adolescents may think about a number of
    situations: competing on the track team, studying math, dating,
    taking care of younger brothers or sisters and so on. An adolescent
    is likely to feel more confident doing some of these things than
    others. She may feel very good about her athletic ability and skill
    at math, but feel bad about her dating life. She may also have mixed
    feelings about how good a sister she is to her baby brother. How
    good this teenager feels about herself ties to how important each of
    these area is to her. If having a very active dating life is the
    most important area of her life, this girl will feel bad about
    herself. If being a scholar-athlete is most important area, then she
    will feel very good about herself. Based on this theory, the best
    ways to help your child to develop confidence include the following:

-   **Provide opportunities for your child to succeed.** As teacher
    Diane Crim points out, "The best way to instill confidence in
    someone is to give them successful experiences. You need to set them
    up to succeed---give them experiences where they can see how
    powerful they are. Kids can engineer those experiences. Part of
    confidence is knowing what to do when you don't know what to do."

    Help your child to build confidence in his abilities by encouraging
    him to take an art class, act in a play, join a soccer or baseball
    team, participate in science fairs or computer clubs or play a
    musical instrument---whatever he likes to do that brings out the
    best in him. Don't push a particular activity on your child. Most
    children, whether they are 3 or 13 years old, resist efforts to get
    them to do things that they don't enjoy. Pushing children to
    participate in activities they haven't chosen for themselves can
    lead to frustration. Try to balance your child's experiences between
    activities that he is already good at doing with new activities or
    with activities that he is not so good at doing.

    You can also help your child to build confidence by assigning him
    family responsibilities at which he can succeed---unloading the
    dishwasher, cleaning his room or mowing the lawn.

-   **Help young teens feel safe and trust in themselves.** The ability
    of adolescents to trust in themselves comes from receiving
    unconditional love that helps them to feel safe and to develop the
    ability to solve their own problems. Your child, like all children,
    will encounter situations that require her to lean on you and
    others. But always relying on you to bail her out of tough
    situations can stunt her emotional growth. "We have to teach our
    children how to cope with the things they encounter, instead of
    easing the path," says teacher Anne Jolly.

-   **Talk about anxieties that are related to school violence and to
    global terrorism.** Many children have seen terrifying images of
    death and destruction on television and on the Internet. You can
    help your child to understand that although the country has suffered
    awful acts of terror, we are strong people who can come together and
    support each other through difficult times. In addition, you can:

    ---Create a calm environment in your home through your own behavior.
    This may not be possible if your family has been affected directly
    by an act of terror or violence. If you are anxious, you need to
    explain to your child what you are feeling and why. Children take
    emotional cues from those they love.

    ---Listen to what your child has to say. Assure him that adults are
    working to make homes and schools safe.

    ---Help your child to separate fact from fiction. Discuss facts with
    your child and avoid guessing, exaggerating or overreacting.

    ---Monitor your child's television, radio and Internet activity.
    Help her to avoid overexposure to violent images, which can heighten
    her anxiety.

    ---Use historical examples (for example, Pearl Harbor or the
    Challenger space shuttle explosion) to explain to your child that
    bad things happen to innocent people, but that people go on with
    their lives and resolve even terrible situations.

    ---Continue your normal family routines.

    (More information on talking with children about violence or acts of
    terror is available on the U.S. Department of Education's Web site
    at www.ed.gov.)

-   **Praise and encourage.** Praise is meaningful to adolescents when
    it comes from those they love and count on most---their parents and
    other important adults in their lives. Praising your child will help
    her to gain confidence. However, the compliments that you give her
    must be genuine. She will recognize when they are not.

-   **Have patience.** As adults, most people have confidence. This
    confidence comes about through years of experiencing success, but
    also through years of exploring strengths and weakness and choosing
    to stress different parts of our lives. Most of us would be unhappy
    if we had to do only those things that we are not good at. As
    adults, we tend to find our areas of strength and - to the extent we
    can -- to pursue these areas more than others. For an adolescent,
    however, it is difficult to downplay the areas in which they are
    less confident. For example, it is very hard for an adolescent with
    academic skills to focus on school rather than on dating, when all
    of her friends are dating and telling her how important dating is.
    For a parent this can lead to feelings of helplessness. You know
    that whether that cute new boy asked out your daughter will have
    little consequence on her life for the long run, but you also know
    that she cannot yet see this!

## Friendships {#friendships-1 .unnumbered}

***How can I help my child to form good friendships and to resist
harmful peer pressure?***

Friendships can affect many areas of young adolescents' lives---grades,
how they spend their time, what clubs they join and how they behave in
public places, such as a shopping mall. Youngsters who have trouble
forming friendships are more likely to have poor self-esteem, do poorly
in school, drop out, get involved in delinquent behavior and suffer from
a range of psychological problems as adults.

Children of all ages need to feel that they fit in---that they belong.
As children approach the teen years, the need to be "one of the gang" is
stronger than at any other age. Friendships become closer and more
important and play a key part in allowing young adolescents to sort out
who they are and where they're headed. They are likely to form small
groups or cliques, each with a special identity (for example, jocks,
brains, preppies or geeks).

Many parents worry that their children's friends will become so
influential in their lives that their own roles will diminish. Parents
worry still more that their children's friends will encourage them to
take part in harmful activities.

Studies by psychologist Thomas Berndt and his colleagues have shown that
friends *do* influence one another's attitudes and behavior and that,
over time, friends become more and more similar in their attitudes and
behavior. For example, adolescents whose friends described themselves as
more disruptive in school increased in disruption themselves over the
school year.

The peak period for peer influence is generally from seventh to ninth
grades. During this time, friends often influence taste in music,
clothes or hairstyles, as well as the activities in which youngsters
choose to participate. However, peers *do not* replace parents.You are
still the most important influence in your child's life. Young teens are
more inclined to turn to their parents than to peers for guidance in
deciding what post-high-school plans to make, what career to select and
what religious and moral values to choose. This influence is greatest
when the bond between parent and child is strong.

Here are some tips to guide you in helping your child to form good
friendships:

-   **Recognize that peer pressure can be bad or good.** Most young
    teens are drawn to friends who are similar to them. If your child
    chooses friends who are not interested in school and who make poor
    grades, he may be less willing to study or complete assignments. If
    he chooses friends who like school and do well in their studies,
    however, his motivation to get good grades may be strengthened.
    Friends who avoid alcohol and drugs also will exert a positive
    influence on your child.

-   **Get to know your child's friends.** A good way to learn about your
    child's friends is to drive them to events---talking with them in
    the car can reveal a lot. You can also welcome your child's friends
    into your home. Make it a place with food and a comfortable
    atmosphere. Having your child's friends at your home can provide you
    with peace of mind and allow you to set the rules of conduct, as
    well as help you to gain a better understanding of what they talk
    about and what their concerns are.

-   **Get to know the parents of your child's friends.** You don't have
    to be best buddies, but it helps to know if other parents' attitudes
    and approaches to parenting are similar to yours. Former principal
    Carole Kennedy explains, "The kid may seem okay, but you need to
    know if someone is around at the other house to supervise." Knowing
    the other parent makes it easier to learn what you need to know:
    where your child is going, who she's going with, what time the
    activity starts and ends, whether an adult will be present and how
    your child will get to and from the activity.

-   **Provide your child with some unstructured time in a safe place to
    hang around with friends.** Activities are important, but too many
    piano lessons or basketball practices can lead to burnout. Allowing
    your child some unstructured time with friends in a safe place with
    adult supervision lets him share ideas and develop important social
    skills. For example, among friends your child can learn that good
    friends are good listeners, that they are helpful and confident (but
    not overly so), that they are enthusiastic, possess a sense of humor
    and that they respect others. Spending time with others may also
    help your child to change some behaviors that make others
    uncomfortable around him: being too serious or unenthusiastic,
    critical of others or too stubborn.

-   **Talk with your child about friends, about friendship and about
    making choices***.* It's normal for adolescents to care about what
    others think of them. This makes it especially important for you to
    talk with your youngster about resisting the pressure to disobey the
    rules or go against the standards and values that she has been
    taught. You can talk with her about how to be a good friend and
    about how all friendships have their ups and downs. You can also
    talk about the importance of making good choices when she is with
    friends. "I always tell them, 'If it feels wrong, it probably is,'"
    explains teacher Barbara Braithwaite. Teacher Charles Summers tells
    his middle school students and his own children, "You need to look
    at who you are when you are with this person." He also suggests that
    they ask themselves this question: "How do you want to be described
    by others?" Children's responses can guide their behavior.

-   **Teach your child how to get out of a bad situation.** Talk with
    your child about dangerous or inappropriate situations that might
    arise and about possible ways to handle them. Ask your 14-year-old
    daughter what she would do if a guest arrived at a slumber party
    with a bottle of wine in her overnight bag. Ask your 12-year-old son
    how he would handle a suggestion from a friend to cut school and
    head for a nearby burger place.

    Ideally, youngsters themselves can be the ones to say "no" to a
    potentially dangerous or destructive situation. But if they haven't
    yet learned this skill, parent Marianne Cavanaugh from Connecticut
    suggests an alternative: "Sometimes kids don't want to do what their
    peers want them to do. I tell my kids to blame me---to tell their
    friends that their Mom says 'no.' This helps get them off the hook."
    Finally, no child going out for an evening should be without change
    for a phone call. As a last resort, this may be his lifeline. A cell
    phone may also be appropriate if family finances allow one and if
    the child knows how to use the phone responsibly.

-   **Monitor friendships to help your child avoid risky and unhealthy
    behavior.** Young adolescents need supervision, including during the
    important after-school hours. Keep tabs on who your child's friends
    are and what they do when they get together. Bill Gangl, a middle
    school teacher in Minnesota, suggests, "Don't be afraid to be the
    jerk who makes the phone call to the other house to make sure that
    (your child) is there. And don't be afraid to say no."

    Many middle school teachers and parents have different opinions as
    to whether parents can or should try to stop their children from
    seeing a friend that the parents dislike. Some youngsters will rebel
    if told they can't spend time with certain friends. Many adults who
    have worked with young teens suggest that you let your child know
    that you disapprove of a friendship and why you disapprove. They
    also suggest that you limit the amount of time and the activities
    that you will allow with the friend.

-   **Model good friendships.** The example of friendship you provide
    has a bigger impact on your child's friendships than any lecture.
    Children who see their parents treat each other and their friends
    with kindness and respect have an advantage. Baking cookies for the
    new neighbor or offering a listening ear for an unhappy friend sends
    your child a powerful message.

## Media {#media-1 .unnumbered}

***What can I do to keep the media from being a bad influence on my
child?***

It's hard to understand the world of early adolescents without
considering the huge impact on their lives of the mass media. It
competes with families, friends, schools and communities in its ability
to shape young teens' interests, attitudes and values.

The mass media infiltrates their lives. Most young adolescents watch TV
and movies, surf the Internet, exchange e-mails, listen to CDs and to
radio stations that target them with music and commercials and read
articles and ads in teen magazines.

First, look on the bright side. The new media technologies can be fun
and exciting. Used wisely, they can also educate. Good TV programs can
inform, good music can comfort and good movies can expand interests and
unlock mysteries. Additionally, many forms of media are being used in
classrooms today - computers, cable-equipped TVs and VCRs are all part
of the landscape. Indeed, recent years have seen a commitment to
connecting every classroom to the Internet and providing a reasonable
number of computers to each classroom for student use. As a result,
children need to be exposed to media, if only to learn how to use it.

The problem is that young adolescents often don't---or
can't---distinguish between what's good in the media and what's bad.
Some spend hours in front of the TV or plugged into earphones, passively
taking in what they see and hear---violence, sex, profanities, gender,
stereotyping and story lines and characters that are unrealistic. We
know from research such as that conducted by George Comstock and Erica
Sherrar that seeing too much TV violence appears to increase aggressive
behavior in children and that regular viewing of violence makes violence
less shocking and more acceptable.

Students who report watching the most TV have lower grades and lower
test scores than do those who watch less TV. "In any classroom
discussion I have, it is very apparent who's watching \[a lot of\]
television and who's not," explains teacher Sherry Tipps. "For the kids
who are not motivated in the classroom, mention TV and suddenly they
perk up."

As young teens mature, high levels of TV-viewing, video-game playing and
computer use take their toll. On average, American children spend far
more time with the media than they do completing work for school.
Seventh graders, for example, spend an average of 135 minutes each day
watching TV and 57 minutes doing schoolwork.

Add to these negative psychological and academic effects, negative
physical effects. Recent reports by the U.S. Surgeon General show that
the number of overweight teens in American has increased greatly over
the past two decades. Being overweight, in turn, can contribute to
serious health problems, such as diabetes.

Negative influences also come from other media. For example, a growing
number of ads in magazines, including some for harmful products such as
alcohol and tobacco, are targeted at young adolescents.

Your child will benefit from your guidance in helping him to balance
media-related activities with other activities such as reading, talking
with family and spending time with friends. Here are some ways that you
can help your child make good media choices:

-   **Limit the amount of time your child spends viewing TV.** It's
    impossible to protect your child entirely from the media. Banning TV
    entirely may only strengthen its appeal to her. However, some
    parents do make TV viewing off-limits during the school week, except
    for special programs that are agreed to ahead of time.

    Remember, it's easier to restrict your child's poor media choices if
    you say no *before* she brings home the objectionable CDs or
    computer games or turns on the violent TV programs. Let your child
    know that you will monitor her media choices.

-   **Monitor what your child watches and listens to.** Former principal
    Carole Kennedy advises, "Don't just listen to how loud the music is,
    but to what the words are." Learn about the TV programs and movies
    that your child wants to watch, the computer games he wants to play
    and the music he wants to listen to. Knowing something about your
    child's interests will let you enter into his world and talk with
    more knowledge and force about his choices. Ask your young teen what
    bands or singers he likes. Then read about his favorites in
    magazines or newspapers or listen to their CDs or to the radio
    stations that play their music.

-   You can also watch or listen *with* your child. This allows you to
    spend time with him and to learn more about the programs, games and
    music that he likes. Talk with your child about what you are seeing
    and hearing.

-   **Suggest TV programs that you want your child to watch.** Encourage
    your child to watch TV programs about a variety of
    subjects---nature, travel, history, science, biography and news, as
    well as programs that entertain. News and history programs, for
    example, can encourage conversations about world issues, national
    and local politics, social problems and health concerns.

-   **Talk with your child about the difference between facts and points
    of view.** Young teens need to learn that not everything they hear
    or see is true. Let your child know that the TV show or movie he
    sees, the radio station or music he listens to and the magazine he
    reads may have a definite point of view. Talk with him about how the
    media can promote certain ideas or beliefs, which may different from
    those of your family. If your child wants to watch, listen to or
    read something that you believe is inappropriate, let him know
    exactly why you object.

-   **Talk with your child about misleading ads.** Young adolescents are
    especially vulnerable to advertising. Talk with your child about
    what ads are for---to sell products---and about how to judge whether
    the products the ads sell are right for her. If, for example, your
    daughter has short, blond, curly hair, ask her if she really thinks
    the shampoo that she wants you to spend \$15 for will make her hair
    look like the long, black, straight hair on the model in the
    magazine ad.

-   **Consider buying a V-chip for your TV or a filter for your
    computer.** A V-chip is a computer chip that can detect program
    ratings---X, R, PG and so on and so block your child from watching
    pornographic, violent or other inappropriate TV channels. Similar
    chips or filters can prevent your child from visiting certain Web
    sites. Many of these can be obtained for free or for modest costs at
    your local electronics store.

-   **Talk with your child about the risks of visiting computer chat
    rooms.** Let your child know the dangers of "talking" online with
    strangers. There is software that can restrict children from chat
    rooms, even as they allow access to other content.

-   **Talk with other parents.** Discussing movies, TV shows, computer
    games and CDs with the parents of your child's friends and
    classmates can give you more strength to say *no* when she wants to
    see or hear something that think is inappropriate. You also can
    quickly find out that *not* *everyone* in the seventh grade is going
    to be allowed to see the latest R-rated movie in which bloody bodies
    are strewn across the screen.

-   **Provide alternatives to media entertainment.** According to
    teacher Bill Gangl, "If you give the kids enough activities, the TV
    goes away." Given the opportunity, many children would rather *do*
    than *watch.* A day at a miniature golf course or a visit with a
    friend may hold more appeal for your child than watching TV.

-   **Model alternative forms of entertainment.** A young teen whose
    parent is constantly in front of the TV or checking her e-mail over
    a quick dinner is being sent a definite message. Parents who turn
    off the TV or computer and engage in conversation, sports, games or
    other activities are showing alternatives to their children. An
    adolescent today may well wonder "what did you do before TV (or
    computers or video games)?" Show them!

## The Middle Grades {#the-middle-grades-1 .unnumbered}

***What is school like for young adolescents?***

It is likely that you attended a junior high school. It probably
combined grades seven through nine and resembled a mini-high school. You
probably moved from class to class throughout the school day and had a
different teacher for each subject.

During the past 20 years, many changes have taken place in how young
adolescents are educated. These changes continue as we learn more about
how these children develop and learn. Today, fewer and fewer young
adolescents attend junior highs. Instead, a growing number attend middle
schools. Most of these schools are for grades 6--8, although some may
have grades 5--8, 5--7 or even 7--8. As the middle school movement has
accelerated, many high schools have moved from serving grades 10--12 to
grades 9--12.

As a parent, you may wonder, "Is one grade structure better than another
for my child? Most educators believe (and research confirms) that the
way a school organizes the grades is not as important as what goes on
inside the school. That is, *what* gets taught and *how* it gets taught
in a school matter more than how the school combines its grades.
Furthermore, the grade span of a school doesn't tell you much about the
quality of the school and whether its educational practices are well
suited to young adolescent students.

Most young teens entering a new school find that it's a big change.
They're used to being the oldest; once again they're the youngest. Many
classmates are new, as are the routines and the school work. Coming at a
time when young teens are undergoing many other stressful changes, the
move to a new school can be overwhelming and have a negative impact on
motivation and self-esteem.

Because of this, many middle schools have programs to ease the
transition. For example, they might invite elementary school students to
visit the middle school to become familiar with the building, lockers
and changing classrooms. Or, administrators of the middle and elementary
schools might meet to discuss programs. School counselors might meet to
talk about how to help students make a smooth transition. These and
other practices can help make the new school seem friendlier.

Hormones may be fluctuating, but young teens of all backgrounds and with
a broad range of personal characteristics still absorb vast amounts of
information. They also can benefit from a strong curriculum. As young
adolescents develop their cognitive skills, they are able to complete
longer and more involved projects and to explore subjects in more depth.

Young teens generally benefit from being exposed to a broad range of
experiences and programs---academic, recreational and vocational. These
opportunities take advantage of their natural curiosity and can be
invaluable in familiarizing them with new worlds and possibilities.
These exploratory programs can also be fun. For these reasons, some
schools provide opportunities both in and out of school for students to
participate in sports, as well as in programs to learn subjects that
range from foreign languages, to music, to drama, to technology. Many
schools also encourage students to participate in volunteer or community
service projects. Exploratory programs can help young teens figure out
where they fit in and allow them to think about their future plans.

There's still plenty of room for improvement in middle schools. Test
scores suggest that many young teens lack the skills needed for high
school success. On international comparisons they aren't scoring as well
as we would like in areas such as reading and math.

More educators and policymakers are becoming aware of the high levels to
which young teens can achieve. This awareness is leading to still more
change in middle-grades education: in what gets taught, how it is
taught, how teachers are prepared and how to assess what students know
and can do.

## Parent Involvement {#parent-involvement-1 .unnumbered}

***What's the best way for me to stay involved in my child's school
activities?***

Your young teen needs you in her life more than she may admit (to you or
to herself)---although she may want you present under different terms
and conditions than she did previously. Some parents misread the signals
that their children send and back off too soon. For example, for
children at age nine, about 75 percent of American parents report high
or moderate involvement in school-related activities, but when children
reach age 14, the rate of parent involvement has dropped to 55 percent.
The rate continues to drop throughout high school.

Research shows that adolescents do better in school when their parents
are involved in their lives and that education works best when teachers
and parents work closely with one another. Here are some tips for
staying involved in your child's school life:

-   **Set ground rules for your child at the beginning of the school
    year.** From the first day of school, make certain that your child
    knows what time he is expected to go to bed and get up, what he
    needs to do to get ready for school each morning and what time he
    needs to leave the house for school. Check that he knows his curfew
    both on weekdays and on the weekend. Make sure, too, that your child
    knows that he is expected to try hard and do his best in school.

-   **Learn about your child's school.** The more you know, the easier
    your job as parent will be. Ask for a school handbook. This will
    answer many questions that will arise over the year. If your school
    doesn't have a handbook, ask questions. Ask the principal and
    teachers, for example: What classes does the school offer? Which
    classes are required? What are your expectations for my child? How
    does the school measure student progress? What are the school's
    rules and regulations?

-   **Find out about the school's homework policy.** Knowing school
    policies for homework is important because by the middle grades,
    homework generally plays a bigger role in your child's grades and
    test scores than it did in elementary school. Find out from teachers
    how often they will assign homework and about how long it may take
    to complete. Do *not* do homework for your child. However, make sure
    that he tries his best to complete assignments. (For more
    information on homework, see the U.S. Department of Education
    booklet *Helping Your Child with Homework,* listed in the
    **Resources** section, page **\<TK\>.**)

-   **Help your child get organized.** Many young teens are easily
    distracted. With so much to do and think about, it's not surprising.
    The amount of their school work and their extracurricular activities
    often increases at the same time that they are going through a
    growth spurt, developing new relationships and trying to develop
    more independence. Young teens respond to these changes in varying
    ways, but many of them daydream, forget things, lose things and seem
    unaware of time. It's not unusual for a middle schooler to complete
    a homework assignment but forget to turn it in. Some schools help
    students develop organizational skills. Others leave the task to
    you. Whatever the case, you can:

    ---Go over your child's schedule together to see if she's got too
    much going on at once. Talk with her about setting priorities and
    dropping certain activities if necessary or rearranging the time of
    some of them.

    ---Help her learn good study habits. Set a regular time for her to
    do homework. Talk about the assignments. Make sure she understands
    what she's supposed to do. Make sure she has a calendar on which to
    record assignments, as well as a backpack and homework folders in
    which to tuck assignments for safekeeping.

    ---Help your child get started when he has to do research reports or
    other big assignments, perhaps by taking him to the library or
    helping him find sources of online information from appropriate Web
    sites.

    ---Help your child to avoid last-minute cramming by working out a
    schedule of what he needs to do to prepare for the test.

    ---Work alongside your child to clean out his backpack or clean up
    his room.

-   **Provide an environment at home that encourages learning and school
    activities.** Provide a quiet time without TV and other distractions
    when homework assignments can be completed. If you live in a small
    or noisy household, try having all family members take part in a
    quiet activity during homework time. You may need to take a noisy
    toddler outside or into another room to play. If distractions can't
    be avoided, you may want to let your child complete assignments in
    the local library.

    Let your child know that you value education. Show him that the
    skills he is learning are an important part of the things he will do
    as an adult. Let him see you reading books, newspapers and computer
    screens; writing reports, letters, e-mails and lists; using math to
    balance your checkbook or to measure for new carpeting; and doing
    things that require thought and effort. Tell your child about what
    you do at work.

-   **Attend school events.** Go to sports events and concerts, attend
    back-to-school night, PTA meetings and awards events, such as a
    "perfect attendance" breakfast. Remember, though, that many young
    teens are often self-conscious and want parents to be present but in
    the background. "They want you there, but they want you at more of a
    distance," explains teacher Bill Gangl. "They want to look out of
    the corner of their eye and see you there. On the track, they want
    to peek up into the stands to make sure somebody is watching them."
    Look for school activities that you can do with your
    child---cleaning up the school grounds, for example.

-   **Volunteer in your school.** If your schedule permits, look for
    ways to help out at your child's school. Schools often send home
    lists of ways in which parents can get involved. Chaperones are
    needed for school trips or dances. School committees need members
    and the school newsletter may need an editor. The school may have
    councils or advisory committees that need parent representatives. If
    work or other commitments make it impossible for you to volunteer in
    the school, look for ways to help at home. For example, you can make
    phone calls to other parents to tell them about school-related
    activities or maybe help translate a school newsletter from English
    into another language.

-   **Keep in touch with the school and your child's teachers.** Keeping
    in touch can be tricky when your child has many teachers, but at the
    very least it's good to know your child's counselor and a favorite
    teacher. The more visible you are, the more educators will be able
    to communicate openly and regularly with you. Attend parent-teacher
    conferences. Read school bulletins when they are sent home.

-   **Make sure your child takes classes that are needed to attend
    college***.* Middle school or junior high is by no means too early
    to plan for your child's future. A two- or four-year college degree
    is becoming more and more important for finding a good job. Colleges
    want students and employers want workers who have taken certain
    courses and acquired a solid base of skills and knowledge. Good
    courses for college-bound students include English, science
    (biology, chemistry, earth science and physics), history or
    geography, as well as algebra and geometry. Many colleges also
    require applicants to study a foreign language for at least two
    years and some prefer three or four years of one language. Basic
    computer skills are also essential and many colleges view
    participation in the arts and music as valuable.

-   **Monitor how well your child is doing in school.** Report cards are
    one indication of how well your child is doing in school. But you
    also need to know how things are going between report cards. For
    example, if your son is having trouble in math, find out when he has
    his next math test and when it will be returned to him. This allows
    you to address a problem before it mushrooms into something bigger.
    Call or e-mail the teacher if your son doesn't understand an
    assignment or if he needs extra help to complete an assignment.

## Reading {#reading-1 .unnumbered}

***How can I help my child to be a successful reader?***

It's during the middle grades that young adolescents build the
foundation for lifelong reading habits. They develop their own reading
interests and learn to read different kinds of text---informational
articles and books, poetry and plays, as well as stories and novels.
They increase their vocabularies by reading widely and they begin to use
reading to help answer important questions about themselves and the
world.

On the other hand, for many young adolescents, reading difficulties go
hand-in-hand with social and emotional problems.

It is important for you to keep your child reading through the
adolescent years, both at school and at home. Here are some suggestions
that can help:

-   **Make sure your home has lots of reading materials that are
    appropriate for your child.** Reading materials don't have to be new
    or expensive. You often can find good books and magazines for your
    child at yard or library sales. Ask family members and friends to
    consider giving your child books and magazine subscriptions as gifts
    for birthdays or other special occasions. Set aside quiet time for
    family reading. Some families even enjoy reading aloud to each
    other, with each family member choosing a book, story, poem or
    article to read to the others.

-   **Encourage your child to use the library.** Take your child to the
    local library and help him get his own library card. Ask librarians
    to help him locate different areas in the library, use the card
    catalogue or computer system and find materials in which he is
    interested.

-   **Be a positive role model for reading.** Let your child see you
    reading for pleasure as well as for performing your routine
    activities as an adult---reading letters and recipes, directions and
    instructions, newspapers, computer screens and so forth. Go with her
    to the library and check out books for yourself. When your child
    sees that reading is important to you, she may decide that it's
    important to her, too.

-   **Find out from your child's teachers how they encourage or teach
    reading**. Make it clear that you value reading and that you support
    homework assignments that require your child to read. Ask for lists
    of books for your child to read independently at home.

-   **Find out how to help your child if his first language is not
    English**. When your child first enters middle school, talk with her
    teachers. Most teachers welcome such talks. If you feel that you
    need some support in meeting with teachers, ask a relative, neighbor
    or someone else in your community to go with you. When you meet,
    tell the teachers the things that you are doing at home to
    strengthen your child's reading. Children who can switch back and
    forth between languages have accomplished something special. They
    should be praised and encouraged as they work for this achievement.

-   **Get help for your child if she has a reading problem.** When a
    child is having reading difficulties, the reason might be simple to
    understand and deal with. For example, your child might have trouble
    seeing and need glasses or she may just need more help with reading
    skills. If you think that your child needs extra help, ask teachers
    about special services, such as after-school or summer reading
    programs. Also ask teachers or your local librarian for names of
    community organizations and local literacy volunteer groups that
    offer tutoring services.

    Some causes for reading difficulties signal larger problems, perhaps
    a learning disability. If you think your child may have some kind of
    physical or learning problem, it is important to get expert help
    quickly. (See the **Problems** section, page \<**TK\>.)** Ask for a
    private meeting with her counselor, a teacher or the principal. (You
    may feel more comfortable taking a friend, relative or someone else
    in your community with you.)

    There is a law---the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act
    (IDEA)---that may allow you to get certain services for your child
    from your school district. Your child might qualify to receive help
    from a reading specialist, a speech and language therapist or other
    specialist. You can learn about your special education rights and
    responsibilities by requesting that the school give you---in your
    first language---a summary of legal rights.

## Motivation {#motivation-1 .unnumbered}

***How can I keep my child motivated to learn and do well, both in and
out of school?***

Psychologist Carol Dweck defines motivation as "the love of learning,
the love of challenge." And, according to her, motivation is often more
important than initial ability in determining our success.

Yet somewhere in the middle grades the motivation of some young
adolescents for learning takes a nosedive. A young teen may begin to
grumble about assignments and teachers, ask to drop out of a favorite
activity, complain that he's bored or show signs of being lost in the
educational shuffle.

Here are some the things that can contribute to low motivation:

-   **Biological changes.** The onset of puberty---getting her period or
    being 4 feet 2 inches tall when your buddy is 5 feet 10
    inches---distracts some teens. Distractions make it hard to think
    about the swim team or the social studies project that's due.

-   **Emotional concerns.** It may take extra effort to concentrate on a
    science project when she is preoccupied with physical insecurities
    or concerned about being excluded from a special group.

-   **The school environment.** A young teen may lose motivation after
    moving from elementary school to a middle school or junior high. The
    loss of motivation can be fueled by insufficient support in the new
    school or by an increased workload and expectations to which the
    student hasn't yet adjusted.

-   **Social and peer pressures.** A child may be influenced by friends
    who believe that academic success isn't "cool," or that girls aren't
    good at math.

-   **A shift in how your child views his ability.** Younger children
    tend to believe that the harder you try, the smarter you'll get. But
    Dr. Dweck notes that as children move into their early teens, they
    may begin to believe that ability is fixed and to compare their
    ability with that of others---the harder you *have* to try, the less
    able you *must* be. This view can dampen motivation. Why try hard if
    it won't help you to do well?

-   **Lack of opportunities.** Some youngsters lack opportunities to
    take the classes or participate in the activities that they need to
    spark their enthusiasm. This is most likely with students from
    disadvantaged families or who are at risk, contributing to
    perceptions that they are unmotivated.

-   **Short attention spans.** Some educators report that it's hard to
    get students to focus on a long history project when they're used to
    TV programs and media presentations that are fast, short and
    entertaining.

-   **Undeveloped work ethic.** Some unmotivated youngsters may not have
    learned that school success takes time and effort. Many attractions
    compete for students' attention and, according to some research,
    some students expect school and activities to be consistently
    exciting. They aren't aware of the fact that both in school and
    daily life, they can learn valuable lessons from activities that
    aren't always fun and that achievement usually requires real effort.
    You can encourage and provide opportunities for your child, but
    ultimately your son is responsible for seeing that his homework gets
    done and your daughter must be the one to practice the piano.

    Here are ways to encourage your child's motivation:

-   **Be a good role model.** Young teens benefit from seeing their
    parents putting forth their best effort, completing work and meeting
    obligations. Parents need to demonstrate that they value learning
    and hard work.

-   **Let your child know that sustained effort over time is the key to
    achievement.** Teach him to set high goals and to work hard to
    achieve them. Help him to see the value of tackling challenges and
    of finding ways to meet or exceed those challenges.

-   **Steer your child toward appropriate classes and suitable
    activities.** Young teens need opportunities to excel and be useful.
    Success can be a powerful motivator and boredom may be a sign that
    your child hasn't enough opportunities to develop her talents. She
    may need an advanced English class, an art class or the chance to
    volunteer at a homeless shelter.

-   **Offer support.** Insincere praise or praise for poor efforts is no
    help, but young teens need to be reassured that they can do
    something. "Sometimes kids will say they are bored, but it's because
    they haven't done \[an activity\] before," advises teacher Barbara
    Braithwaite. Your child may need hints about how to get started with
    a new project from you, another adult, an instructor or a book.

-   **Find strengths and build on them.** Every child can shine in some
    area. Identify what your child does best, no matter what it is.

-   **Communicate with your child's teachers, counselors or school
    principal when necessary.** A drop in grades is not uncommon when
    students go from one grade level to another. But if your child's
    grade drop is extreme or if it persists for more than one marking
    period, get in touch with someone at the school. It's OK to be a
    strong but respectful advocate for your child. Because middle-grades
    teachers may have very full schedules, you may need to show
    persistence. Call, write or e-mail teachers if you think that many
    assignments are inappropriate or if your child is unable to complete
    them successfully. Take the lead if your child is placed in classes
    that you think are poor in content or that fail to provide your
    child with sufficient stimulation.

-   **Hold realistic expectations.** It's important to hold children to
    high standards. But when young teens are asked to do the impossible,
    they may stop trying. Don't pressure your 5-foot 4-inch son to try
    out for center on his basketball team just because he played center
    for his elementary school team. Instead, reassure him that, in time,
    he'll grow taller and help him to look for other activities in the
    meantime. Holding realistic expectations also requires that you
    consider your child's personality and temperament. Your 6-foot son
    may not enjoy playing basketball. Make sure that your child knows,
    deep in his heart, that you love him for what he *is* and not for
    what he *does*.

-   **Be patient***.* Children's motivation generally improves when
    parents take the steps discussed. However, patience may be required:
    Many young teens need the gift of time to develop the maturity that
    allows them to complete homework assignments and chores with a
    minimum of supervision.

## Values {#values-1 .unnumbered}

***What can I do to help my child to develop good values and to learn
right from wrong?***

We want our children to develop respect and compassion for others. We
want them to be honest, decent and thoughtful---to stand up for their
principles, to cooperate with others and to act responsibly. We want
them to make sound moral choices. The payoffs for encouraging a child's
values are enormous: those who grow up with strong, consistent and
positive values are happier, do better in school and are more likely to
contribute to society.

**Talk to your children about good values and why they matter.** Just as
children need to be guided academically, so too must they be educated in
the values of a civil society -- values like love your neighbor; give an
honest day's work for an honest day's wages; tell the truth and be
honest; respect others, respect their property and respect their
opinions; and take responsibility for your decisions.

In word and deed, parents play an important role in helping their
children develop a good sense of right from wrong and good from bad.

Many of the major threats to our children today are not a matter of
chance, but are a matter of choice ---choices like drinking and driving,
smoking, drugs, sex, and dropping out of school.

The research tells us that young people who engage in one risky behavior
are more likely to participate in others, so parents should help their
children understand the potential risks and consequences of their
choices -- not just for the immediate future but for their lifetime as
well.

Fortunately, most children share the values of their parents about the
most important things. Your priorities and principles and your example
of good behavior can teach young teens to take the high road when other
roads look tempting. Here are some ways that you can help your child to
develop good values:

-   If you stick with a challenging job, your child will be more
    inclined to finish homework and chores.

-   When you volunteer at a food kitchen, your child will be more likely
    to have compassion for others who are less fortunate.

-   When you accept a loss on the basketball court graciously, your
    child can learn that winning isn't everything.

-   If your child sees his parents treat each other with respect, he is
    more likely to follow this example in dating and into marriage.

-   When your daughter senses that her parents appreciate people of all
    colors and creeds, she is likely to become more open to friends of
    all races and backgrounds.

-   When you tell a sales clerk that she gave you change for a
    ten-dollar bill and not a five, your child sees honesty in action.

-   When your child see his parents make tough choices---"We're buying a
    used car so that we can save more money for a vacation"---he picks
    up the cues.

-   If you accept disappointments as a part of life---if you pick
    yourself up and keep going---your child stands a better chance of
    becoming a survivor.

-   If you can laugh at your own mistakes, your child is more likely to
    accept his own imperfections.

-   When you say "no" to alcohol before heading out on the highway, your
    child takes note.

    The way that you view money and material goods can also mold your
    child's attitudes. If you see your self-worth and the worth of
    others in terms of cars, homes, furniture, nice clothes and other
    possessions, your child is more likely to develop these attitudes as
    well. It is equally important to meet your child's *needs* but to
    guide him to set them apart from his *wants*. The expensive leather
    jacket that he *has to have* may be OK---if you can afford it.

    Giving your child an allowance is one good way to help her
    understand the value of money. But you must decide how much the
    allowance will be, taking into account your resources, your child's
    age and what expenses the allowance will cover (lunches, clothes,
    church donations, entertainment or whatever). An allowance can help
    your young teen learn how to save and how to use money wisely.

    Naturally, parents want to disclose information and provide guidance
    that is consistent with their values and religious beliefs. We know
    from child development experts that parents are often better at
    providing information about the facts of life than they are at
    talking about what matters more: their values concerning sexuality.
    To make good decisions, young teens need to have accurate
    information about "the birds and the bees" that takes into
    consideration strong values.

    Parents often find it easier to teach their children values when
    they rely on their friends and other parents for support and
    guidance. Many parents also draw support from their churches,
    synagogues, mosques or other religious institutions.

    At some point in their adolescent-rearing efforts, many parents find
    themselves disappointed and frustrated. ("I can't believe my kid did
    something so dumb and insensitive. What did I do wrong?") Generally,
    there is no reason to panic if your child sometimes behaves in a way
    that differs from your standards---as long as he doesn't do it
    regularly. Bad behavior needs to be recognized and dealt with. But
    we would all do well to remember our own adolescence---most of us
    turned out OK.

## Problems {#problems-1 .unnumbered}

***How can I tell---and what can I do---if my child is having a serious
problem?***

Most youngsters from 10 through 14 are not as troubled as their
stereotype suggests. They manage the bumps of adolescence successfully.
Still, you need to be on guard. According to one study, 28 percent of
America's eighth-graders have experimented with drugs, although a much
smaller percentage go on to develop serious drug problems. Some young
teens develop eating disorders. Others suffer from depression and other
emotional problems. In some cases, emotional problems are linked to
learning disabilities that have not been diagnosed or treated.

Some factors that can place a young teen at greater risk for developing
problems include:

-   growing up in poverty;

-   living in a single-parent home;

-   being male;

-   growing up in a neighborhood with few social supports;

-   lacking adequate adult supervision;

-   having poor relationships with their parents or other adults who are
    important to them;

-   possessing low self-esteem;

-   attending poor-quality schools; or

-   experiencing physical abuse, sexual abuse or neglect.

    Don't assume that being "at-risk" automatically means trouble for a
    child. Some young teens with many risk factors avoid major problems.
    And some with few risk factors stumble.

    We know that certain things increase the chances that children will
    avoid major problems. Having warm, supportive parents who also draw
    clear rules and monitor sufficiently is key. In addition, a child
    with an easy-going temperament, good social skills and a sense of
    humor is generally able to deal with problems. A child who attends
    school and lives in neighborhood that provides many supports is
    also, on average, more able to bounce back form trouble. These
    supports include people who take a special interest in them---for
    example, teachers, coaches or neighbors.

    This booklet is unable to address in detail all problems that young
    teen face. However, it is important to recognize the warning signs
    for some major problems and the **Resources** section lists
    materials organizations, Web sites and hotlines that can provide you
    with further direction and help.

    One warning: You may have to address more than one problem at the
    same time, because serious problems likely appear together in one
    child: a 12-year-old with an eating disorder may also be depressed
    and a 14-year-old who uses marijuana also may be sexually active.

### Alcohol or Drug Use {#alcohol-or-drug-use .unnumbered}

Because early adolescence can be a confusing and stressful time for
children, it is not surprising that this is the time when many of them
first try alcohol, tobacco and other drugs.

Because mood swings and unpredictable behavior are common among young
teens, parents often find it hard to spot signs of alcohol and drug
abuse. If your child starts to show some of the following signs, drugs
or alcohol may be at the heart of the problem -

-   He's withdrawn, depressed, tired and careless about personal
    grooming.

-   She's hostile and uncooperative and often breaks curfews.

-   He has new friends (and may not want to talk about them).

-   She doesn't want to tell you where she is going and what she is
    going to do.

-   His grades slip.

-   She's lost interest in hobbies, sports and other activities that
    were once favorites.

-   His eating or sleeping patterns have changed; he's up late at night
    and sleeps during the day.

-   Her relationship with family members has worsened and she refuses to
    discuss school, activities, friends or other important subjects.

-   He has trouble concentrating and seems forgetful.

-   Her eyes are red-rimmed and/or her nose is runny when she doesn't
    have a cold.

-   Household money keeps disappearing.

    (For more information about how to spot and what to do about drug
    and alcohol use, see the U.S. Department of Education's publication
    *Growing Up Drug-Free: A Parent's Guide to Prevention*, listed in
    the **Resources** section, page **\<TK\>**).

### Eating Disorders {#eating-disorders .unnumbered}

Eating orders usually occur in females. Eating disorders in males are
usually associated with athletics, especially wrestling.

The most common eating disorders are *anorexia nervosa* and *bulimia*.
Anorexia is an emotional disorder that can be signaled by severe weight
loss or failure to gain weight. About 90 percent of the people who have
this disorder are females. Studies suggest that one in 250 young women
may suffer from anorexia, with symptoms most often first appearing in
early to middle adolescence. Bulimia can be signaled by episodes of
binge eating followed by self-induced vomiting, fasting or strenuous
exercise. Bulimia tends to develop among older adolescents, many of whom
have also been anorexic.

Many physical disorders are associated with eating disorders, such as
kidney problems, irregular heart rhythms, irritation and tears in the
esophagus, dizziness or fainting and stomach and intestinal problems.
The death rate is from 5 to 15 percent, but it is lower if sufferers
receive treatment.

Take your worries to an expert if your child:

-   loses a large amount of weight for no medical reason;

-   reduces the amount of food she eats and/or stops eating high
    carbohydrate and fatty foods;

-   exercises excessively despite weakness and fatigue;

-   possesses an intense fear of gaining weight;

-   stops menstruating;

-   binges on foods that are high in calories; or

-   tries to control her weight by vomiting or using laxatives or
    diuretics.

### Depression and Suicide {#depression-and-suicide .unnumbered}

An increase in suicides among young adolescents makes it vital for
parents to recognize the causes and symptoms. Many factors can
contribute to serious depression that can lead to suicide. If a parent
suffers from extreme depression, a child is more likely to experience
it, too. But situations such as broken or unhappy families, the loss of
parent through divorce or death, sexual abuse or drug or alcohol abuse
may also contribute to depression. Other stressful situations may also
play a role: for example, losing a relative, being ignored by friends or
serious concerns about sexuality.

Some warning signs of depression and possible suicidal tendencies
include:

-   Change in sleeping patterns (either sleeping too much or too
    little);

-   Change in behavior (can't concentrate on school, work or routine
    tasks, slipping grades);

-   Change in personality (seems sad, withdrawn, irritable, anxious,
    tired, indecisive, apathetic);

-   Change in eating habits (loss of appetite and weight or overeating);

-   Physical changes, (including a lack of energy, sudden weight gain or
    loss, lack of interest in appearance);

-   A major loss or life change (through death, divorce, separation,
    broken relationship);

-   Decreased interest in friends, school or activities;

-   Low self-esteem (feeling worthless, overwhelming guilt,
    self-hatred);

-   No hope for the future (believes things will never get better, that
    nothing will ever change);

-   Preoccupation with music, art and personal writing about death;

-   Giving away prized possessions and otherwise "getting affairs in
    order;" and

-   Direct suicide threats or comments such as, "I wish I was dead!" "My
    family would be better off without me." or "I don't have anything to
    live for." These threats should always be taken seriously.

###  {#section-1 .unnumbered}

###  {#section-2 .unnumbered}

###  {#section-3 .unnumbered}

### Learning Disabilities {#learning-disabilities .unnumbered}

The National Institutes of Health estimate that 15 percent of the U.S.
population has some type of learning disability (LD). Learning-disabled
students have a neurological disorder that creates difficulty in how
they store, use or produce information. They are as intelligent as
anyone else and they often do very well in art, music or sports. But a
gap may exist between their ability and their performance and they may
have trouble with reading, writing, speaking or mathematics, as well as
with social relationships. Most often, learning-disabled students must
work harder to make up for their learning problems. This can leave them
open to depression and cause a lack of confidence, particularly if the
disability goes untreated.

Look for these warning signs of learning disabilities. One or two of
these signs in your child is not reason for concern, but the presence of
several can signal the need for help:

-   Often reverses letters in writing, such as writing *felt* for
    *left.*

-   Has trouble learning spelling strategies, such as using information
    from prefixes, suffixes and root words.

-   Avoids reading aloud.

-   Avoids writing compositions.

-   Has trouble with handwriting or avoids it altogether.

-   Grips a pencil awkwardly.

-   Has trouble recalling facts.

Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or ADHD (which includes hyperactivity),
is not a learning disability, although about one fifth of ADD students
have learning disabilities. These students are extremely easily
distracted and have a hard time staying focused.

If you believe your young teen has a learning disability, talk to your
pediatrician, your child's teachers and the school counselor, who can
guide you to a proper evaluation. By law, children with learning
disabilities are entitled to their own learning curriculum called an
Individualized Education Program (IEP).

## Conclusion

No one can guarantee that young adolescents will grow into responsible
and competent adults. Your influence on your young teen, however, is
enormous. Yes, on a bad day the smelly sneakers and mood swings may push
you to your limits. But it is critical to remain involved. It's when you
are ready to throw up your hands in frustration that you most need to
hang in.

Learning as much as you can about the world of early adolescents is an
important step toward helping your child---and you---through the
fascinating, confusing and wonderful years from 10 through 14. As middle
school teacher Emily Hutchison from Texas puts it, early adolescence is
"never dull, never boring." Stay tuned to the life of your young teen
and enjoy this special time.

## Resources

### Publications of Interest to Parents of Early Adolescents

Adderholdt-Elliot, Miriam and Goldberg, Jan. (1999). *Perfectionism:
What's Bad about Being Too Good* (rev. ed.). Minneapolis, MN: Free
Spirit Publishing.

Bates Ames, Louise. (1989). *Your Ten- to Fourteen-Year-Old.* New York:
Delacorte Press.

Benson, Peter, Galbraith, Judy and Espeland, Pamela. (1998). *What Kids
Need to Succeed: Proven, Practical Ways to Raise Good Kids* (rev. ed.).
Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing.

Children Now. (2000). *Talking with Kids about Violence*. Available
online at www.talkingwithkids.org/violence.html.

Eyre, Linda and Eyre, Richard. (1993). *Teaching Your Children Values.*
New York: Simon & Schuster.

Faber, Adele and Mazlish, Elaine. (1998). *Sibling without Rivalry.* New
York: Avon Books.

Fenwick, Elizabeth and Smith, Tony. (1996). *Adolescence: The Survival
Guide for Parents and Teenagers.* New York: DK Publishing.

Freeman, Carol Goldberg. (1996). *Living with a Work in Progress: A
Parents' Guide to Surviving Adolescence.* Columbus, OH: National Middle
School Association.

Giannetti, Carlene C. and Sagarese, Margaret. (1999). *Parenting 911:
How to Safeguard and Rescue Your 10- to 15-Year-Old from Substance
Abuse, Depression, Sexual Encounters, Violence, Failure in School,
Danger on the Internet & Other Risky Situations.* New York: Broadway
Books.

Giannetti, Carlene C. and Sagarese*,* Margaret. (1997). *The
Roller-Coaster Years: Raising Your Child Through the Maddening Yet
Magical Middle School Years.* New York: Broadway Books.

International Reading Association. (1999). *Books Are Cool! Keeping Your
Middle School Student Reading.* Newark, DE.

International Reading Association. (1999). *Parents, Teens and Reading:
A Winning Combination.* Newark, DE.

Koplewicz, Harold. (1996). *It's Nobody's Fault---New Hope and Help for
Difficult Children and Their Parents.* New York: Time Books.

Lickona, Thomas. (1994). *Raising Good Children.* New York: Bantam.

McMahon, Tom. (1996). *Teen Tips---A Practical Guide for Parents with
Kids 11 to 19.* New York: Pocket Books.

National Institute of Child Health and Human Development and National
Institutes of Health. (2002). *Adventures in Parenting: How Responding,
Preventing, Monitoring, Mentoring and Modeling Can Help You Be a
Successful Parent.* Washington, DC. Available online at
www.nichd.nih.gov/publications/pubs/parenting/

Rich, Dorothy. (1992). *Megaskills: How Families Can Help Children
Succeed in School and Beyond* (rev. ed.)*.* Boston: Houghton Mifflin.

Schaefer, Charles E. and DiGeronimo, Theresa Foy. (1999). *How to Talk
to Teens about Really Important Things: Specific Questions and Answers
and Useful Things to Say.* San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Seligman, Martin. (1991). *Learned Optimism*. New York: Pocket Books.

Seligman, Martin, Reivich, Karen, Jaycox, Lisa and Gilham, Jane. (1996).
*The Optimistic Child.* New York: HarperPerennial Library.

Steinberg, Laurence. (1997). *You and Your Adolescent: A Parent's Guide
for Ages 10 to 20.* New York: HarperCollins.

Tracy, Louise Felton. (1994). *Grounded for Life? Stop Blowing Your Fuse
and Start Communicating with Your Teenager.* Seattle, WA: Parenting
Press.

U.S. Department of Education. (1994). *Growing Up Drug Free: A Parent's
Guide to Prevention.* Washington, DC. Available online at
www.ed.gov/pubs/parents/.

U.S. Department of Education. (2002). *Helping Your Child with
Homework.* Washington, DC. Available online at www.ed.gov/pubs/parents/.

Walsh, David A. (2001). *Dr. Dave's Cyberhood: Making Media Choices that
Create a Healthy Electronic Environment for Your Kids.* New York: Simon
& Schuster.

### Bibliography

In addition to those listed above, the following publications were used
in preparing this booklet:

Baumrind, Diana. (1971). Current patterns of parental authority.
*Developmental Psychology Monograph, Part 2, 4*, 1--103.

Berndt, Thomas and Keefe, Keunho (1995). Friends' Influence on
Adolescents' Adjustment to School. *Child Development, 66,* 1312--1329.

Comstock, George and Sherrar, Erica. (1999) *Television: What's on,
Who's Watching and What Does It Mean?* Burlington, MA: Academic Press.

Carnegie Council on Adolescent Development. (2000). *Turning Points
2000: Educating Adolescents in the 21^st^ Century.* Washington, DC.

Dauber, Susan L. and Epstein, Joyce L. (1993). Parents' Attitudes and
Practices of Involvement in Inner-City Elementary and Middle Schools. In
N. F. Chavkin (Ed.), *Families and Schools in a Pluralistic Society*.
Albany: State University of New York Press.

Dweck, Carol S. (2000). *Self-Theories: Their Role in Motivation,
Personality and Development*. Levittown, PA: Psychology Press.

Epstein, Joyce L. (2001). *School, Family and Community Partnerships.*
Boulder, CO: Westview Press.

Grotevant, Harold D. (1998). Adolescent Development in Family Contexts.
In W. Damon (Series Editor) & N. Eisenberg (Volume Editor), *Handbook of
Child Psychology: Vol. 3: Social, Emotional and Personality Development*
(5^th^ ed.). New York: John Wiley & Sons.

Harter, Susan. (1999). *The Construction of Self*. New York: Guilford
Press.

Haugaard, Jeffrey J. (2000). *Problematic Behaviors during Adolescence*.
New York: McGraw-Hill.

Healy, Jane M. (1990). *Endangered Minds.* New York: Touchstone Books.

Keefe, Keunho and Berndt, Thomas. (1996). Relations of Friendship
Quality to Self-Esteem in Early Adolescence. *Journal of Early
Adolescence, 16,* 110--129.

Kipke, Michele D. (Ed.). (1999). *Risks and Opportunities: Synthesis of
Studies on Adolescence.* Report of the Governing Board of the National
Research Council. Washington, DC.

Lewis, Anne C. (1999). *Figuring It Out: Standards-Based Reforms in
Urban Middle Schools.* New York: The Edna McConnell Clark Foundation.

Loucks, Hazel E. and Waggoner, Jan E. (1998). *Keys to Reengaging
Families in the Education of Young Adolescents.* Columbus, OH: National
Middle School Association.

National Middle School Association. (1995). *The Developmentally
Responsive Middle School: This We Believe.* Columbus, OH.

National Educational Research Policy and Priorities Board. (July 24--25,
2000). *Papers and proceedings from the National Conference on
Curriculum, Instruction and Assessment in the Middle Grades: Linking
Research and Practice.* Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Education.

Urdan, T. and Klein, S. (1998). *Early Adolescence: A Review of the
Literature*. Paper prepared for the U.S. Department of Education, Office
of Educational Research and Improvement. Washington, DC. Unpublished.

U.S. Department of Education. (1999). *Conference on Early
Adolescence---Papers and Final Report.* Washington, DC.

### Organizations and Web Sites That Provide Information for Parents of Young Adolescents

####### Federal Offices or Federally Funded Agencies and Clearinghouses

**No Child Left Behind**

**Parents Tool Box**

U.S. Department of Education

Toll Free: 1--888--814--NCLB

http://www.nochildleftbehind.gov/parents/index.html

**ERIC Clearinghouse on Disabilities and Gifted Education**

1920 Association Drive

Reston, VA 22091

Toll Free: 1--800--328--0272

http://www.ericec.org/

**National Institute of Child Health and Human Development
Clearinghouse**

Toll Free: 1--800--370--2943

http://www.nichd.nih.gov/publications/publications.htm

**National Information Center for Children and Youth with Disabilities**

P.O. Box 1492

Washington, DC 20013--1492

Toll Free: 1--800--695--0285 (voice & TTY)

http://www.nichcy.org

####### Office of Special Education and Rehabilitative Services

U.S. Department of Education

400 Maryland Ave., SW

Washington, DC 20202

202--205--5465

http://www.ed.gov/offices/OSERS/

####### 

####### Private Organizations

**Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters**

1600 Corporate Landing Parkway

Virginia Beach, VA 23454--5617.

Toll free: 888--425--2666 (8 a.m. to 6 p.m.)

www.al-anon.alateen.org.

**Learning Disabilities Association of America**

4156 Library Road

Pittsburgh, PA 15234

412--341--1515 or 412--341--8077

www.ldanatl.org

**Middle Web**

www.middleweb.com

**National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders**

PO Box 7

Highland Park, IL 60035

847--831--3438

**National Black Child Development Institute**

463 Rhode Island Ave., NW

Washington, DC 20005

Toll free: 800--556--2234

**National Eating Disorders Association**

603 Stewart Street, Suite 803

Seattle, WA 98101-1264

Ph. (206) 382-3587

Fax (206) 829-8501

Toll-Free Information & Referral HelpLine 1-800-931-2237

[www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/](http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/)

info@nationaleatingdisorders.org

**National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information**

P.O. Box 2345

Rockville, MD 20847--2345

Toll free: 800--729--6686 (24 hours a day)

www.health.org

**Center for Missing and Exploited Children**

Toll free: 800--843--5678.

**National Runaway Switchboard**

Toll free: 800--621--4000(operated 24 hours a day for runaway and
homeless youth and their families)

**National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependency**

12 West 21^st^ Street, 7^th^ Floor

New York, NY 10017

212--206--6770 or toll free: 800--NCA--CALL

####### National Middle School Association

2600 Corporate Exchange Drive, Suite 370

Columbus, Ohio 43231--1672

Toll free: 800--528--NMSA

http://www.nmsa.org

##  Acknowledgments

This publication was primarily written by Nancy Paulu, with subsequent
revisions and edits completed by Jean Osborn and Fran Lehr.
Illustrations were done by Adjoa Burrowes and Joe Matos.

This booklet has been made possible with the help of many people and
organizations, including Reid Lyon, Peggy McCardle and Kyle Snow of the
National Institute of Child Health and Human Development; Nancy Ames,
Vice President and Director of Family, School and Community Programs at
Education Development Center, Inc., Newton, Mass.; Leah Meyer Austin,
Program Director at the W.K. Kellogg Foundation, Battle Creek, Mich.;
Harold D. Grotevant, Department Head and Professor in the Department of
Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota; Carole Kennedy,
former President of the National Association of Elementary School
Principals; Joan Lipsitz, a consultant and nationally recognized expert
on early adolescence and the middle grades; Joyce Epstein, Director of
the Center on School, Family and Community Partnerships, Johns Hopkins
University; Sue Swaim, Executive Director of the National Middle School
Association; Mary Beth Blegen, 1996 National Teacher of the Year; and
Kirk Winters, Policy Analyst, U.S. Department of Education each of whom
reviewed drafts, provided materials and suggestions and generously
contributed from their own experiences.

In addition, a special thanks to Todd May and Menahem Herman in the
Office of Intergovernmental and Interagency Affairs for their help in
managing the design, development, production and distribution of this
booklet.

# \<Insert\>

**\<Indicate cut line\>**

# Tips to Help Your Child 

# through Early Adolescence

1.  Learn as much as you can about early adolescence. Good information
    can help you make good decisions. Find out what changes you can
    expect during these years. Learn about what goes on in your child's
    school.

2.  Stay involved in your child's life, both inside and outside of
    school. A positive relationship with a parent or other adult is the
    best safeguard your child has as he grows and explores. Find new and
    different ways to stay involved that work well with your child.

3.  Provide both unconditional love and appropriate limits to help your
    child thrive and feel safe.

4.  Talk with your child often about what's most important to her.
    Include the tough and sensitive subjects. Listen to what she has to
    say. Connected children are generally happier and do better in
    school and in life.

5.  Hold your child to high but realistic standards both in school and
    in life. Let him know that you expect him to work hard, cooperate
    with teachers and other students and do his best.

6.  Show that you value education. Stay in touch with your child's
    teachers and school officials. Check to see that he gets to school
    on time, completes homework assignments successfully and is signed
    up for classes required for college.

7.  Provide opportunities for your young teen to succeed. Help your
    child to discover and develop her strengths. Success produces
    confidence.

8.  Monitor friendships. Get to know your child's friends and their
    parents. Talk with him about friends, friendship and about choices
    he makes when with friends.

9.  Work with your child to become more aware of the media and how to
    use it appropriately. Discuss what TV and movies to watch and what
    computer games to play. Become aware of the music she listens to and
    the magazines she reads.

10. Model good behavior. The best way to raise a child who is loving,
    decent and respectful is to live the values and behavior you hope he
    will develop.

11. Be alert to major problems, such as drug use, depression or an
    eating disorder. If the problem is too big to handle alone, get help
    from some of the many resources available.

12. Hang in there when times are tough. Most youngsters weather the
    bumps of early adolescence successfully and grow into successful
    adults. You play a major role in making that happen.

**\<inside back cover\>**

## No Child Left Behind

On January 8, 2002, President George W. Bush signed into law the *No
Child Left Behind Act* of 2001 (NCLB). This new law represents his
education reform plan and contains the most sweeping changes to the
Elementary and Secondary Education Act since it was enacted in 1965. It
changes the federal role in education by asking America's schools to
describe their success in terms of what each student accomplishes. The
act contains the president's four basic education reform principles.

-   Stronger accountability for results

-   Local control and flexibility

-   Expanded options for parents

-   An emphasis on effective and proven teaching methods

In sum, this law---in partnership with parents, communities, school
leadership and classroom teachers---will ensure that every child in
America receives a great education and that no child is left behind.

For more information on *No Child Left Behind*, visit the website at
www.nochildleftbehind.gov or call 1--800--USA--LEARN.

[^1]: ^^ **Please note:** In this booklet, we refer to a child as "her"
    in some places and "him" in others. We do this to make the booklet
    easier to read. Please understand, however, that every point that we
    make is the same for girls and boys.