## Draft -- will send the link when it is on the web.

## Families Taking Charge: Talking With Your Spouse 

Prepared by Michael J. Sporakowski, Extension Specialist, Family and
Child Development, Virginia Tech.

Revised by Celia Ray Hayhoe, CFP®, Family Resource Management Extension
Specialist. Virginia Tech

Publication Number 354-103, Revised 2005

## Introduction

Issues related to finances like issues related to sexuality are often
difficult ones for spouses to communicate effectively. This is due in
part to beliefs such as \"you\'re supposed to know all about that\" and
\"adults should be able to take care of money matters,\" as well as
\"you should be able to handle all your own problems without seeking
help - even from your spouse.\"

Another factor involved in spousal communication problems related to
money matters is embarrassment. It is often difficult to say \"we just
don\'t have enough money to buy \_\_\_\_\_\_\_,\" whether \_\_\_\_\_\_\_
is a car, a house, a bottle of pop, soap or paying for a child\'s field
trip. Compound that with the serious situation of job loss/unemployment
and you are likely to find an embarrassing situation where spouses have
difficulty sharing information, let alone feelings and beliefs. Such a
discussion may even be more difficult when it includes the children,
probably because it might put parents in the position of \"admitting\"
they are not fully in control of their lives. But parent-child
relationships are based upon solid spousal relations and so it is
important for partners to communicate.

## What You Can Do?

-   Communication is a two way street. Be a sender and a receiver of
    messages. Talk, but listen too. Listening is often a little
    practiced art.

-   Deborah Tannen has concluded that feelings are often more important
    than information. Studies have indicated men and women, as groups,
    tend to communicate somewhat differently - women more at a feeling
    level; men more at an information level. Work on hearing what your
    spouse is communicating - feeling low about losing a job may be more
    significant to her or him than the fact she or he will need to seek
    other employment.

-   The message sent isn\'t necessarily the one received. We have
    filters which process our intended communications. \"I\'m mad\"
    might mean \"at myself,\" \"at the situation,\" or, \"at my spouse\"
    depending on how I say it and who is hearing it.

-   Clarify your understanding of verbal interchanges. Restate them as
    you think you\'ve heard them to see if what you heard is what was
    intended. This takes some effort, and courage, but may be well worth
    both if better discussions are fostered. If what you heard is what
    was intended, build upon it. If it wasn\'t, ask for clarifications
    in a positive way. For example, if your spouse says \"there\'s no
    money at all,\" does he/she mean \"for anything,\" \"for food,\"
    \"for rent,\" \"for a new car,\" or \"until next payday\"? Obviously
    each has a different potential impact on the family and what was
    meant needs to be understood as information and feeling.

-   Sympathize and empathize. Being able to feel sorry for or with the
    way someone feels is important and so is being able to feel like
    someone else, sharing the experience. Two together can often
    overcome problems one alone can only stew over.

-   Be sensitive to the nonverbal messages as well as the ones expressed
    in words. A look, someone\'s posture, leaving the room when a
    discussion starts, all can give us important messages. But they can
    be confusing messages. Check them out; clarify the messages as best
    you can. Too much interpretation may be as much a problem as not
    enough.

-   Take time out to talk. Don't start the minute your spouse walks in
    the door. Wait until the kids are asleep. Turn off the T.V. Pull the
    plug on the phone or turn off the ringer. Take a walk or a ride. Go
    out for a cup of coffee and sit on a park bench. Change the setting
    to maximize your chances for effective communication. It often helps
    to reduce the static in the air which gets in the way of clear
    communication.

-   It is okay for your spouse to say this is not a good time. However,
    be sure to set a time to talk, not drop the subject.

-   Sometimes just be there. Someone to lean on or to be a listener is
    comforting. The closeness those roles provide can be most helpful.

-   Use "I" messages rather than "you" messages. "I am upset because the
    money we saved was spent on \_\_\_\_ and now I can't pay
    for\_\_\_\_\_" not "Why did you buy \_\_\_\_\_\_".

-   Discuss with your spouse how money was handled in your family.
    Sometimes understanding why a person has strong issues on a topic
    may help you reach a compromise.

## What Can Your Spouse Do?

-   Read the previous list and do what fits.

-   Make a conscious effort to communicate more effectively. Too often
    strong, silent types are just that, strong and silent. Their suits
    of armor let nothing in or out. Perhaps they need assistance with
    their armor.

-   Be receptive to what your spouse is trying to express. No one has
    died of terminal embarrassment yet. Don\'t become the first!

-   Be supportive. It is important to be liked and feel loved. Stress
    tests our relationships, but it also can strengthen them. As with
    steel, the heat of the fire may temper the metal, or in this case
    mettle. Constructive spousal communication sets the tone for
    constructive family communication. Work at being excellent role
    models. Even disagreements, when obviously resolved, can be good
    learning examples for children. And, spouses may well learn from
    what their children learn. Sometimes the wisdom of kids is
    unfettered by the shackles of adulthood. They, too, may help us take
    charge of our lives.

## References

## Mellan, O. *Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships*. New York: Walker & Co., 1994.

Noller, P. *Nonverbal Communication and Marital Interaction*, Elmsford,
NY: Pergamon Press, 1984.

Tannen, D. *You Just Don\'t Understand Me*. New York: Ballantine Books,
1991.

Tannen, D. *That\'s Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes Or
Breaks Your Relations With Others*. New York: William Morrow, 1986.

Watzlawick, P., Beavin, J., & Jackson, D. *The Pragmatics of Human
Communication*. New York: Norton, 1967.

[Families Taking Charge](http://www.ext.vt.edu/pubs/ftc/families.html)
is a multi-part series for individuals and families experiencing
financial stress as a result of difficult economic times.