text: Las Vegas NevadaWhere getting shit on by corporations has never been such a popular privilege nnAs of December it seems at least one casino is committed to bringing that metaphor to pungent nostrilstinging life nnEnter MGMs brand new Aria Casino squat in the middle of the Vegas Strip the newest somethingbilliondollar casino in this prettied up turd of a town and the place wheremake no mistakefecal matter mattersnnThe name itself pronounced AHrheeuh one might presume may well bring to mind the lilt of a feminine voice across an openair Italian cafue or otherwise earnest operatic strains But be very clear the strains you hear in your minds ear are of a different sort altogether Once you digest the fact that Aria is phonetically the second half of the word diarrhea you are ready for a tour of this lowerintestinemeetsporcelain excretory wonderland more appropriately pronounced as uhRHEEuhnnUpon parking in the bowels of the garage proceed to level NUMBER TWO Let yourself be unceremoniously squeezed down the winding narrow corridor toward the casino floor Along the way take a gander out of one of the picture windows on your right Below you is the valet entrance in all its grandeur Notice the white and crystal cantilevered YOUshape roof structure high above Your eyes do not deceive you it does in fact resemble a giant toilet seat Now look under the lid at the marvelous sheetfountain rimming nearly the entire diameter of the highwalled bowl of the valet entrance Let us not mince words it is as if cars and guests are being flushed down a giant crapper complete with that classic Northern Hemisphere counterclockwise draincircling action The final touch A frothy yellow fountain at the center of this rectal roundaboutnnAs you continue down the escalator notice the sculptures in the lobby The only way these Works of Arse can be described is chromecovered dribbly shit stood on end Nevertheless people stand around and gawk Do not do it Tighten your muscles of resolve and push onnnOn the casino floor the first stop is a coffee shop If you are a naturalist big game hunter or hiker who has ever made that face while scraping the bottom of your boot with a stick you will note that the walls of the coffee shop are covered in giant deer turds The logo for this java joint is an oblong oval with a single curl of steam rising above it Need I say morennNow turn your attention to the casino floor as it stretches out before you like a vast sea of sewage Let it clog your senses From the soaked carpets to the splattered walls it is brown on brown on brown This my friends is the entire palette of poo A quivering colon of colors Magnus dumpus A full pantload The rectum spectrum Dark brown light brown deep brown Wet Leather Mudslide Trouser Chili Cookoff Skidmark of the Covenantthese being the names of the various and individual shades of brown being hurled at your eyes like so much dung from the an enraged monkey at the city zoo Sewer Loaf Ripe Diaper Hot Hershey Trickle Swamp Snake Brown Beef Leak Brown Snooki Brown Downtown Freddy Brown WhatCanBrownDoForYouBrown It is on the drapes the dealer uniforms everywhere The craps tables have never been more appropriately named We are drowning in a steaming pot of gold at the end of the brown rainbow Liquid Oak Oompa Loompa Bread Yogurt Cleveland Steamer Dysentery Schiavo nnYou are getting claustrophobic It is hard to breathe Do you feel more like Tim Robbins escaping through that sewer pipe in Shawshank Redemption or Ewan McGregor in that ratatattat Trainspotting bathroom Guaranteed it is one or the other I would bank it That is the safest bet in this casinonnSigns in the casino point you to the Elvis Theater Elvis died on the toiletnnAbove the gaming tables hang large brown varnished beams of wood arranged side by side but cresting and falling as if held aloft on the waves an imaginary ocean I call them floaters I think you will agree Out of the ceiling next to the floaters descend large tangles of silver bristles like steel wool or some other commodecleaning implement Too little too latennMore signs point you in the direction of other rooms and venues in the casino Sage is among them the kind of scent you might spray in your bathroom after laying cablennBy now your head is spinning You need a drink Turn to the bar Oh god no Massive chromecovered logs rise out of the ground complete with gnarled tree bark Like a redwood forest of excrement Are there any other bars down this outhouse hole The haze of cigarette smoke is looking more and more like steam to you Yes it does appear that there is indeed one more bar on the far side of the casino You make your escape to what you think might be the one place you will be safe from the onslaught of dung You could not be more wrongnnThe name of that bar The Deuce