text: Despite living in PIttsburgh for most of my life I have somehow managed to never eat at Maxs Allegheny Tavern until recently nnMy initial impression of the restaurant was positive the place had an old neighborhood feel to it a small crowd was drinking at the end of the antique hardwood bar and the German murals on the walls made me crave an icycold German lager with a stout head of foam I thought about how well German potato salad would taste with that beer So I grabbed a seat at the bar and eagerly awaited the first taste of my beernnAnd I waitedand waitedand waited some more for over minutes before someone came around to take the order Actually that is not quite accurate Two employees came around one to the end of the bar and one behind the bar directly opposite me Both of them stared at me Neither one greeted me or asked me what I would have like to order I stared back incredulously and even made a what is going on here palmsextendedupwardshouldershrug gesture Neither one took the hintnnFinally a third employee came around the bar and took my order Great I thought to myself finally that beer She served the beer in a Mason jar WTF Who serves imported German lager at a German restaurant in a freaking Mason jar Maxs does The beer was devoid of its head likely the result of a bad beer pour andor a less than perfectly clean glass an endemic problem with Pittsburgh restaurants in my observation I was sad I quaffed my beer quickly in an attempt to salve my irritation and opened the menunnMy first impression of the menu can be summed as follows Uhoh The menu is huge with a number of slowfood stews and braises The restaurant is more than halfempty How can a restaurant prepare such a large number of menu items including more than a few laborintensive dishes freshly every day and still stay in business when the place is not even halffull Answer They cannot The food is not freshnnI ordered the Wiener Schnitzel I love properly prepared Wiener Schnitzel Made with fresh butterflied veal breast slightly pounded and seasoned wellcoated in fresh bread crumbs and panfried in clarified butter until golden brown on the outside and juicy on the inside Wiener Schnitzel is the ultimate comfort food nnSadly Maxs Wiener Schnitzel had nothing to do with properly prepared Schnitzel The veal was superthin had a texture that strongly suggested it had been mechanically processed and tasted as if it was prebreaded and frozen It was not pan fried either The breaded frozen puck was simply dropped into a fryolater where the breading puffed out and fell off of the meat in places which does not happen when the cutlet is resting against the cooking surface under its own weight as when the dish is properly panfried The edges of the sad Schnitzel had curled up and it looked a horrible mess on the plate Curly Schnitzel My stomach droppednnMy sides German potato salad and braised red cabbage were equally awful The German potato salad had an unnatural glossy sheen the kind that typically comes from bottled sauces that contain high fructose corn syrup The bacon in the dressing was nothing more than tiny flecks of some sort of processed possibly faux meat The potatoes were suspiciously uniform in thickness and roundness exactly the homogeneity that is found in prepeeled presliced vacuumsealed processed potatoes It was a gluey sickly sweet mess I did not have more than a bite or two The braised red cabbage did not taste fresh it tasted like it had been sitting in a steam table for a day or two and my order was its last chance to be eaten nnMaxs Allegheny Tavern bills itself on their web site as The Best in German Fare The Best in ServicennThats total bullshit It is awful both for service and farennIf you want good authentic German fare in which the Schnitzel is properly panfried to order and delicious join the Teutonia Mannerchor down the street nnIll never return