text: I have always kind of wondered exactly what my own personal hell looked like As it turns out it is in Scottsdale Which should not be surprising because Scottsdale But still I am sure there are places in Khartoum and the southern Indian Ocean now ready to up the ante Bring it third world slum bathroomnnWhy is the Maya Day Nightclub the image that needs to appear next to the phrase fucking awful in the dictionary I am glad you askednnFirst of all imagine you are really hot But you cannot go in the pool There is a pool But you cannot go in it Why Because the frattiest frat guys in for a bachelor party from pick the Midwestern city are rolling deep all up in the pool with tribal arm tattoos smoking Parliament Lights drinking Coors Light saying things like man Blake this is the best nnNot to be outdone you have the least interesting girl from your high school all grown up in a bikini with five clones riding around on a banana boat kayak in said pool splashing Blake and his bros drinking vodka sodas And all you keep thinking is God I would like to hit every last one of these motherfuckers upside the head with a baseball bat nnThis might as well be a fullfledged reunion for Iowa State Universitys panhellanic board No wait Michigan State And YOU of A mannnThey have a strict no jersey policy Which of course they do And of course it has a caveat If you have a cabana you can wear a jersey I had a cabana I could wear a jerseynnAnd the cabanas Jesus Christ on crutches these things are platforms for every single ex frat bro and sorority girl to just show out while drinking Titos vodka for hours It is like a far tackier version of Vegas Which congratulations for managing to pull that off But also stop flexing No really Just stopnnAnd that is not even getting into the music Did you know there is a minute dance remix to Pompeii by Bastile While you are trying to wrap your brain around that affront to senses now imagine it followed up by a minute dance remix to Someone Like You by Adele With frat bros on vacation from Milwaukee drinking Miller Light in the background While three not at all trashy women shoot super soakers everywhere to the beat of the songnnI imagine this is the target audience of MTVs Girl Codes proverbial To Kill a Mockingbird Someday someway they will get here And hopefully by the time they reach they will realize how truly terrible this place is and aspires to be