Patient Question: My life is currently a disaster. I understand other people have it worse. Physically, I am blessed. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, transportation, a supportive family, an amazing church, and a helpful therapist (who is both a mental health counselor as well as a drug and alcohol counselor) who truly seems to care. During a very recent hospitalization, I also began utilizing a journal to get my thoughts out in a private manner. I have an incredible support system I rarely utilize. I am struggling with a number of issues. I suck at reaching out before making terrible decisions such as self harm and drug use. I am an alcoholic and a drug addict who attends AA meetings regularly but have yet to pick up my 24-hour chip. I feel as if I’m not ready to surrender and work a program. I am, however, terrified of the consequences of alcoholism/drug use. Another fellowship I was previously a member of states these consequences at the start of every meeting: jails, institutions, and death. I lost one of my best friends in March to addiction. I have also seen many others lose their lives. While heroin is not my DOC, I feel as though any substance I choose to use will inevitably lead to some kind of consequence. I am in such a conundrum. That is the only word I can think of to describe this mess known as my life. Following the worst inpatient experience of my life, I am also struggling with the emotional pain of being on a very small amount of numerous medications. I am on the starting doses of these meds which have not nearly reached a therapeutic level. I feel as though I am mentally and emotionally unstable, as is proven by my recent words and actions towards others. This has caused others pull away, possibly permanently. I owe amends I’m not ready to give. As a member of AA, I believe in the ninth step. That is a step I struggled with a lot, though. There were a lot of repeated amends by mouth, but no changed behavior. It was unintentional lip service. I was and still am unsure of how to change my behavior. My next issue has to do with the job I just lost on Monday and the rest of the issues I haven’t discussed that were a result of this volcano that has just erupted. A few weeks ago, I put my two weeks notice in at a job I had worked at for three weeks shy of a year. I was burned out on working with the general public, so going back is not an option. I had just been offered a contracted cleaning job. So for my last two weeks of work at my old job, I worked both jobs. This was not a good decision. I was simultaneously feeling suicidal due to just being put on Latuda. I could not get ahold of my psychiatrist, so after just two weeks of working a brand new job, i found it necessary to go inpatient before I made a fatal decision. Following being inpatient, they told me at my new job that while I had been out of work for two weeks, they had to fill my position. I burned bridges, lost my sponsor as a result of using the day they let me go, and cut myself for the first time in two years. I feel too unstable to try to obtain and maintain employment at this time. I will not be able to pass a drug test at the moment. Not having a job leaves me with a ton of time on my hands. I am torn between applying for SSI and SSD and looking for a new job (in a few weeks.) This leaves me with no income. I am blessed to live with a parent who provides for me. I don’t really understand the point of sharing all of this. I am the one who needs to make some changes and decisions.
Distorted part: While heroin is not my DOC, I feel as though any substance I choose to use will inevitably lead to some kind of consequence.   I feel too unstable to try to obtain and maintain employment at this time.
Dominant Distortion: Fortune-telling