of a way to do it that was fail proof.  I made one more attempt when I was about 18 and visiting someone who had a gun.  He told me he always kept the gun loaded so I shouldn't muck about with it.  I took the gun, put the barrel in my mouth and pulled the trigger but he had lied.  The gun was not loaded. When I discovered I was pregnant I put my death wish away.  I wanted the baby and it did not seem fair to bring a child into the world with no father then orphan him by killing his mother.  I decided I would raise my baby and, when he turned 18, I would buy a gun and some bullets and kill myself then. It was a good plan but, like a lot of good plans, it had some flaws.  The first occurred when, soon after the birth of my son, I became a born again Christian.  God forbids murder and that includes self-murder.  Four years later I got pregnant again.  I not only had to wait for my second child to turn 18, I had to wait until I was desperate enough to disobey God.  The final flaw in my plan did not become apparent until my children got older. Over time it became obvious, even to me, that my children loved me.  I realised it did not matter how old my children got they would always want me around.  My daughter said things