happy. For me, I have realized that for some reason, I have not allowed myself to be happy ever. I always have blamed someone for my unhappiness, and even when it was right in front of me, my girl said she was ready, and when she said it, I froze up, got scared and could not commit. And then when I finally got up the courage to do it, the window was all but closed... And I knew that, yet I progressed forward, knowing I was going to get hurt. Guilt is an aweful thing, and unless addressed, will always creep in and ruin relationships. I have been harboring a lot of guilt, and have not allowed myself to be happy. To embrace what I have because I feel like for whatever reason, I dont deserve it. And until I can love me for me, and forgive myself for the actions I have taken, I will never be happy, no matter how much I love the girl, or how much she loves me, or how beautiful she is, or how intimate we are... until I forgive and love myself, I will never allow myself to be happy. I see that now, and believe it, and have to be strong and address this demon head on. And I have to do it withoug being distracted by the girl. Because if she is around, then I will continue to deny myself the attention I need from me. I started this year, 2009,