was missing that would of course had been better.  But how could I?  That is the problem with insight isn't it?  Its ALWAYS after the fact?  I was acting on impulse and I didn't even know what I wanted.  I still don't.  I didn't even know what was missing.  I DO know more about myself now and I do recognize how needy I was and how I had been killing the passion in my own relationship, but how I can be honest (with her or myself) without even knowing myself and without even having discovered what I want. I'll give you an example.  A few years ago, I old my wife I wanted her to dress a certain way, wear sexy shoes and certain clothes.  This made her completely uncomfortable and obviously didn't create passion and reminded her of another woman I was trying to "make her into".  I had no idea that I was trying to tell her how starved I was just for passion.  It wasn't the shoes, or the clothes.  It was the feeling. And now that I can recognize these cravings, what to do with them?  Just grin and bear it? I whole-heartedly agree with your use of parataxic distortion and you analogy to addiction.  I think these are completely accurate and I've heard them before and recognize these behaviors in myself. The thing is I can analyze till the cows come home, but no one can tell me HOW to get over this or not