The loss of trust is a very painful experience. It often involves a lot of hurt, confusion, anger, and sadness. Dealing with these emotions is critical when trying to rebuild trust. When upset, we want our partners to understand our point of view -- to understand our feelings and emotions. Understanding how we feel is important because it helps us deal with our negative feelings and move beyond them. If a partner does not take the time to make us feel understood -- we try to get even -- we try to make our partners feel as bad as we do. Even though it sounds childish, when someone does not understand our hurt or pain -- we try to make them feel what we are feeling (this is often an unconscious response). Not feeling understood, often leads to a game of inflicting mutual hurt. In most cases, partners do not take the time to make us feel understood because they do not know how to do it OR because they get defensive (feel under attack). When accused of wrongdoing, people often try to... * apologize * offer excuses and explanations * withdraw * or even attack back... These strategies do NOT work because they fail to create real understanding. Simply put, people need to feel understood before apologies are offered and explanations are given. It is virtually impossible to rebuild trust until people who have been harmed feel understood. So, when trying to build or repair trust -- it helps