smile and project. Apparently I understood that to mean grimace and shout. I'd have been hailed as a star had the stage directions for Miss Bessom read, "played as a man with hearing loss and hemorrhoids." Actually, for my portrayal to have been believable, the description would have needed to read, "played as Jane with hearing loss and hemorrhoids," for I was never actually in character. While the line "I declare, it's been a month of Sundays since I've seen you!" came out of my mouth, running through my head was: "Who talks that way? Why not just say, 'it's been a month'? The Sundays are implied." The only point in each performance when I felt the slightest association with how Miss Bessom might think and feel was when the Mrs. Dunbar character said to Bessom/me, "They told me you were gettin' real fleshy." Bottom line: I couldn't act my way out of a paper bag if it were made of me- sized holes. Whatever, no biggie -- except that every other spotter at Holmes Hi- Tech was an actor. In fact, it was a thespian friend of mine who'd introduced me to the gig. Actors liked the work because, in addition to the flexible hours, it allowed them to practice their craft. I pursued the job because it sounded cool, the closest to clandestine this suburban girl could get. I wish I were able to reveal to you a deeper, more complicated motivation -- a consuming desire to serve