whether you decide to stay or leave and also be kind to William.  I pushed and pushed J and never actually committed to her myself.  I pushed her and pushed her and remember one weekend where she was to go skiing with her husband and I told her I didn't want her to go.  She said "Ok, I won't go but you know what that means" and I hemmed and hawed and eventually told her, no you should go.  Now what kind of message was I sending? There is much more to my story and I am filled with guilt and shame.  Emily, you sound like a wonderful person and you sound so much like me, but not yet so advanced.  I hope that my story can give you some foresight into what could happen. Please be careful and protect yourself.  But also look out for others around you that your actions and feelings will affect.  I didn't and I don't know how to live with that. Thanks for sharing. Had a busy day at work....but had hard time to concentrate ---definitely not functioning well. I am sorry that you have to go through this as well, but meantime it is kind of comfort to know I am not alone. Emily, I am also going through ups and downs even between mornings and afternoons sometime. I hate this and do not want to live like this miserable. I wish I could fast forward life into 5 years, so I can