How to Suck an Egg By: M.M. O'Leary (1997) The purpose of this exercise is to follow precise unnecessary directions issued by a higher HQ. You have been directed to be in possession of a fresh empty eggshell for no apparent reason. Simple issuance of tasks being insufficient in any anal-retentive, career-oriented, hopelessly bureaucratic military staff society, the staff of the higher HQ have issued the following instructions: 1. The Egg . Acquire an egg. An appropriately sized egg would be a chicken's egg or one similar in volume. This egg should be; a. Not too small, as a small egg might be too fragile, difficult to hold or could unexpectedly be aspirated and lead to choking; and b. Not too large, for too large an egg would require you to suck out too much material. Remember that volume increases in a cube function relationship to dimensional increases along a single axis. A goose egg twice as long as a medium chicken's egg and similar in proportion, therefore would contain about eight times as much suckable material. 2. Egg Purchase . You can pick these up by the dozen at your local grocery. If you think this operation will require practice, perhaps you should buy a full dozen. No recovery action against the Higher HQ is to be taken as a result of this purchase. Excessive purchase requirements may be submitted on the next cyclical. 3. Identification and Marking of the Ends of the Egg . Take an egg carefully