I'm just a work in progress, in hope of redemption and self realization. The things I really want, are not physical manifestations. How many of those will accompany me on my continuing journey? I've had some hard knocks with people I was deeply engaged with and was mystified as to why some things occurred. Given the cold continuance so much later, I now realize that God arranged all of that to show me this very thing. I've had a novel published by someone who closed me out entirely and all this time later, never receive any accounting or have any idea what is happening. The divine has done his part to show me where my reliance should be. He's made some number of relationships untenable. It's my reluctance to play the guru that is at the heart of much of the trouble. If I would just dress myself up in the expected outfit and stare at people with a faraway look of wisdom in my eyes well, well then, a certain portion of those I interact with would be satisfied. If I played the role there would be that expectation of consistency and I could work the magic of mystery and inscrutable presence. I'd have a fine place to live and a lot of money. The divine tells me that I can expect all kinds of things once he has made the changes he intends to make in me. I feel like the one thing I most want to avoid