of gay elite sportswomen. Several lesbian athletes were contacted for this story but Ferris was the only woman prepared to speak. Other former athletes declined to speak, even anonymously. Does the silence matter? Sexuality is intrinsically private and if gay and lesbian athletes choose to keep their sexual orientation to themselves, ought it be an issue? Kowalski and Johnston believe it does matter. They say the lack of anyone to talk to about the difficulties they faced as young gay men in strongly heterosexual sporting cultures left them feeling lonely and, ultimately, depressed. ''It led to some really dark times because you feel isolated and loneliness on top of whatever else you've got going on in your life and sport and I think that's really dangerous,'' Kowalski says. ''You can call Lifeline or some other number and they're fantastic but it's not the same as having face to face or real personal interaction to talk about things with - someone who has been in your position.'' In grappling with what it is that makes coming out such an apparently fraught step for elite athletes, Caroline Symons, a senior lecturer at Victoria University, traces competitive sport back to its origins. ''Team sports were founded in the 1800s as institutions to turn boys into men,'' Symons says. To this day sport remains a place where a conservative gender order is reinforced. The dominant male codes in Australia are aggressively heterosexual, in which the perceived masculine attributes of power, speed and domination are