Patrick Kingsley making his first mozzarella. Photograph: Tom Kingsley "Blessed are the cheesemakers," said Jesus, according to The Life of Brian. I don't think he meant me though. It is midnight, shards of cheese -splattered glass lie smashed in my kitchen sink, while a litre of contaminated cheese culture drips on the floor. Cursed are the cheesemakers, more like. It wasn't meant to be like this. I'm trying out make-your-own cheese kits and they are supposed to be idiot-proof. I have a "starter" pack from The Cheese Making Shop , and a mozzarella from The Big Cheese Making Kit . By the time they arrive, I already see myself as a less ubiquitous version of Alex James . So much so, that I decide to call the woman who is most to blame for James's obsession with cheese, expert Juliet Harbutt . Homemade cheese, I ask Harbutt, what's the vibe? "People used to make their own cheese all the time," she reassures me. "In isolated areas, it would have been normal for someone with a cow to make cheese with excess milk. That's how you preserved it." Well that's a relief, I say. I'm planning on making some myself! There is a crackle on the line. "You're definitely, definitely better off buying cheese from people who know what they're doing," says Harbutt. "But," she concedes, "it is fun". "You definitely want to be using full-fat milk," she says. "If you skim the milk, you take away some of the solids."