complaint. "You're a slob for trampling in all that mud" is a criticism. The first is constructive, the second destructive. It's a cliche of childraising to discipline the child with love: to do something about unacceptable behaviour while making the child still feel loved. The same applies to adult relationships. Accepting influence vs. stonewalling . I am stonewalling when whatever you say, whatever you want, I do what I feel like, when I feel like. Included are promising to do a job and then not doing it, not-hearing something or forgetting it had been said, advancing endless excuses, and a straight refusal every time, even if the suggestion or request is wise and reasonable. Some men have the habit of thinking that accepting influence from a woman is somehow demeaning and belittling. It ain't. A good relationship is one in which partners listen to each other, pool their wisdom and make decisions jointly, each accepting influence from the other. Respect vs. contempt . This is the most important. Even if the other three factors are handled right, the relationship will founder if one partner acts with contempt toward the other. Derogatory terms (stupid, slut, bastard, lazy, slovenly, spendthrift, miser...) are terms of contempt. Interestingly, the research shows that universalising statements have the same effect as such labels: "you always..." and "you never..." are terms of contempt. "It distresses me when you drink to excess" is respectful. "You"re a drunkard" is not. Argument style People have various emotional styles for engaging