only believ-ing that I just drank too much. No way did I ever want to admit that I was an alco-holic but I lied to cover myself and give me the excuse I needed. I was a con man from the get-go. I would tell you any-thing just to get you off my back so that you wouldn't inter-fere with my lifestyle. For the next twenty years I was in and out of Alco-holics Anony-mous and could recite the twelve steps like the alpha-bet. Although I used God as my "higher power", and truly loved God, temp-ta-tion seemed to get the best of me. I real-ized that just lov-ing God wasn't enough. One of my famous expres-sions that I used when I was hope-less was "God please get me out of this, I promise I'll never do it again", and I truly did mean it, but I didn't know how not to do it again, because my life style had no sub-stan-tial gain to it. I had no direc-tion to fol-low, and AA was not fill-ing the long time hole in my heart to give me the desire to live a whole-some life. So I con-tin-ued build-ing up a so-called life and then falling and los-ing every-thing again, and again, and again. I surely thought that there was no way out. The direc-tion was set; I had no choice but to be a loser. I tried to com-mit sui-cide by down-ing a bot-tle of pills. Even that failed. They locked