hate that spilled out from the midfield and infected and elevated everybody around him. Maybe there are players knocking around that can bring something similar, but it's abundantly clear that Ferguson has little to no interest in buying them. This too makes sense: could you, having bought Roy Keane, bring yourself to buy a lesser version? "I see you've painted your walls dark grey, Mr. New Signing. That's ... nice." The only solution is the creation of a completely new position, one that comes with literally no footballing responsibilities at all, but is simply devoted to being, in a furious way. We'll call it the libastard . That way, ten United players can get on with passing the ball around neatly and crossing the ball hopefully and occasionally kicking it into the net, and the eleventh man can simply stand in the background as a mute and terrifying reminder that you really, really, really should be hammering that penalty, shouldn't you, Robin? Yes, Robin, you should. There is no new Roy Keane. So get the old one back, give him a kit, and never mind that the hip's gone. The anima still bubbles. *** Off-cuts *** We checked and checked, but it appears that Eden Hazard just couldn't be bothered to play in the Premier League this weekend. Worse, he appears to have inspired a general strike amongst his team-mates. Roberto di Matteo needs to stamp out such dereliction. Michael Owen was a man once famous for playing football and