What Does Real Tawbah (repentance) Mean ?
First of all, it should be made clear that the state you are going through is not hypocrisy or dishonesty; rather, it is a sign of a living conscience. A person who feels disturbed after committing a sin, experiences shame, and wants to change himself does not have a dead heart. The Prophet ﷺ said: “Remorse over sin is repentance.” Therefore, your inner disturbance itself is proof that faith is still present.The real issue is why a person knowingly repeats the same mistake. The basic reason is the weakness of the self (nafs) and the formation of habits. Repentance gives a person the decision to change direction, but old habits do not disappear immediately. That is why the Qur’an says that the self constantly commands toward evil. This does not mean that a person is helpless; rather, it means that continuous struggle is required.The second reason is the method of Satan. First, he makes sin appear insignificant, and later he tries to push a person into despair by suggesting that repentance will no longer be accepted. The Qur’an clearly rejects this mindset and forbids despair of Allah’s mercy. Despair is, in fact, the enemy of repentance.The third important reason is fatigue of the heart and mind. Anxiety, laziness, and anger are often signs of mental pressure along with spiritual weakness. It is not correct to label every weakness as a purely religious failure. Sometimes a person needs gentleness, calmness, and gradual improvement.The practical guidance, then, is to let go of the obsession with making repentance perfect and ideal. Repentance does not mean that a person will never fall again; rather, it means that he will rise again after falling. If a sin is repeated, considering oneself rejected or condemned is incorrect. Continuing remorse and seeking forgiveness is the right path.In matters of prayer, adopt gradual progress as well. If full consistency feels difficult, begin by offering one prayer on time. Allah does not demand perfection; He looks at sincerity and effort. A small but consistent action is more valuable.Regarding tayammum, since your heart was not at ease with that decision, it shows that you yourself recognize the difference between genuine necessity and laziness. Use this awareness for self-reform rather than self-destruction. Allah looks at a person’s intention and struggle.Anger toward parents is usually due to emotional weakness rather than deliberate disobedience. If words slip out, apologizing later and showing gentleness carries great weight with Allah. This attitude preserves relationships and softens the heart as well.