Please Help Me In My Distressed Fighting With My Own Thoughts
Assalamu alaikum bhai. The problem happens when I don’t try to even think about them and these thoughts come to my mind. And I can not avoid them. Let me tell you fron where this fear starts to bother me and gradually haunt me. I started think/fear like what if it was not injustice from his side but I am not forgiving then in that case it may be kufr from my side. Because I feared it may entail istihalal as in this case I was thinking something to be injustice which is not. I don’t know how this thought came to my mind it was around in august when I started to have this thought. And after that day almost every single day I woke up with this fear. And then had to essure in my mind like if he did not do injustice then forgiving him otherwise not. And the more I tried to fix this thought the more I got tangled. What if this scenario happened, what if that happend. Like I spent hours and hours. The issue is the question come to mind like what in xyz scenario not forgiving them can cause kufr (istihalal) so then I can not avoid the thought. With a fear/assumption that I should assert that in that case what I have done. (Like the scenario/questions come in past tense) If such question come ‘agar aisa hain’ as if not forgiving them, asking their punishment in xyz IS kufr (because at that moment the thoughts take me to such a ‘what if’ situation that I fear that in that what if situation not forgiving/asking their punishment can cause istihalal.) In that moment can I just avoid this thought without asserting anything and say to myself like (in mind) I don’t want to indulge this what if it IS kufr.If it were a kufr then I would have act accordingly. Like this can I just avoid the thoughts with out asserting like ‘If it is a kufr not to forgive then I am forgoving them’ Please remember the what if situations are like as if at this moment the situation is happening. For an example ‘ if his action is not injustice then?’ and when this question come do I have to assert that then I have forgiven? 2. And I cannot tell you how much I am exhausted with this thoughts and pain. i ask for my death I cant bear this fear anymore. Like when I woke up even today instantly the thought come what if I asked their punishment for divorcing but I shouldn’t ask for this rather I should ask for promise breaking. Then I again trapped in to the thoughts. And I trapped into a paradoxical situation. In one hand i came out with a conviction that his reasons can be valid to break the promise of coming back but even in that case divorcing abruptly even after several promises is a trust breaking. So I got puzzled and trapped again. In such cases even if I get conviction that yes his reasoning was perhaps valid enough but then cancel this conviction thinking that I don’t need to think of his reasoning and validity. Even if his reasons were strong enough from my perspective I have been betrayed so I am not forgiving them and asking Allah to punish them according to his knowledge. Is my this conclusion correct? 3. At first I decided that their whole action of divorcing abruptly yet after promising to come back is a betryala to me. So I asked Allah tonpunisj them. But then I was thinking what if I need to decide in which cases I have forgiven them and in which case not (Like the above question.). Like if I need to seperately decide for breaking promise, for divorcing abruptly without giving sharing proper reasons earlier and thus I got no proper chance to save the marriage. And again and again same loop. I don’t know how many hours I lost for this. If even after getting conviction that their reasons were strong enough to break the promise if I discard that and say to Allah (in mind) I know their reasons can be valid (as I was having a conviction) but I don’t want to think about the reasons. Because even if their reason was valid from my perspective it was a betryal so I don’t forgive them and ask You to punish them according to Your knowledge. Am I wrong for this kind of decision? Am I sinful if I disregard all kind of conviction about their reasoning? I know if I keep thinking about it I will end up with decision that their reason is valid! 4. Again a earlier a thought came why don’t I ask any scholar about whether I need to decide each and every action of them and then decide about their each action whether I forgive for this action whether for that action.(like I shared in question 2/3). Then I told to myself I think I don’t need to. Again I said to my self even if I ask a scholar it may be he answered wrong and give me such an answer which ends up forgiving them. So in that case it may be like for my decision Allah also forgive them and I don’t want to loose any chance where Allah can punish them but due to my decision. So I won’t ask scholar about these ‘what if’ scenarios. Does my this kind of decision made me a sinner? I just cannot afford to forgive them so if there is any chance they are to be punished by Allah I want that. And due to this once I also thought like even if All the scholars of the world tell me that due to my internal thoughts and internal decision I have lost the chance to ask Allah to punish them even in that case I will pray to Allah like please punish them. With a hope that seeing my desperation He will provide justice even though from my side taking forgiveness back is a sin.And for this sin HE WILL forgive me. Again I also thought if all the scholars say I have lost the right to ask justice in that case I will ask Allah that ‘I am believing their fatwa but if their fatwa is wrong then please punish my husband’ Then again I told Allah that I am cancelling this thought because Allah did not ask me to knock every scholar. My question is even if I decide like, if all the scholars tell me that I can’t ask justice because of my several back and forth thoughts even in that case I will ask Allah to provide me justice because it can happen that all of them are wrong!! Though I know if there is consensus we have to follow that fatwa.So I decided I will believe their fatwa but yet ask Allah to provide justice in case somehow they are wrong!!! Did this thought made me kafir? 5. Do I really have to look on their every action seperately and then decide whether I forgive them or not as I had conviction that their reasons may be valid? 6. Isn’t it enough if I say like I know their reason can be valid but from my perspective they betrayed me. i am not forgiving them and asking your justice? 7. And sometimes if it happen like after Such thoughts I decide ok I forgive them in xyz cases (because at that moment I thought I should do so) and later on when rethinking I found out my earlier thought was problematic, ambiguous or I could have take th decision of not to forgiven them. so in that case I again retract the forgiveness. Will I be sinful for this? Suppose it happened that earlier I told Allah (in mind but a decisive way) that if you decide you will not punish them then I am forgiving them otherwise not. Then suppose after many days I understood my decision was incorrect because Allah can forgive anyone anytime.So I cancelled it and told him (in mind but in decisive way) if they are not punishable at all (like no sin, injustice from their side) only then I forgive them. But as I don’t know the reality so I don’t forgive them and ask Your punishment for them. Is it ok? Please help me. I am just buried with thoughts. This comment took me around 3 hours to complete!!!!! Perhaps my question can easily be written like, even if in my thoughts, or by uttering once I decide that “ok Allah I have not asked for their punishment” (as if from this moment have stopped asking their punishment / have not asked their punishment from this momen) then can I again ask Allah to punish them? Will it be a sin any how? I know my questions are so confusing but I feel suffocated. Can’t bear this pain. I fix from one side and again fall into same trap. My main fear started with fear of kufr.like even if I know they did not do injustice and still then don’t forgive them it may entail kufr. And then to fix that fear I end up with such messed up situation. Once I get conviction that their reason can be valid to justify their act. And then I cancel that by thinking even if their reasons are just enough I don’t forgive them because for me it was betryal/trust breaking.So I don’t forgive them and ask Allah to punish them if they are punishable. Is it ok? Please help me. I loved Allah. i used to talk to him a lot. i shared all my pain to him. In my mind I used to talk to him. And now I fear him. Because of these situations I am extremely sorry for posting such a messed up comment
Sorry I am perhaps made you disgusted. But I try to fix one hand and again fall into the same circle in a broader manner. I fix smaller thought and then fall to larger one. if intentionally or unintentionally in a arrogant tone I think ‘Even if Allah is saying so I am not going to do this’ (in past tense) and if while thinking I was understanding this arrogance tone can cause kufr. So after thinking this I tried to fix the thought as it is problematic. So initially I I said sorry to Allah and told I am cancelling this arrogance tone ‘Even if Allah said so’ but also said that but I will not do the act. And tried to move on. Later on I feared that may be I have to ensure something like ‘Even if Allah said so I have done this’. And that put me in a paradoxical situation. In one hand I know He has recommended forgiveness and on the other hand if I complete the sentence it put me situation of forgiveness! And thus I tried to pacify my mind thinking/ deciding I don’t need to assert anything. Saying sorry for the arrogant tone is enough. then again I got into loop what if I need to assert the fact. And then if intentionally or unintentionally in mind thought ‘Even if Allah said to assert the act I am not asserting anything’ and then I fall into a broader circle. Then again I calmed My mind thinking if Allah said so I am beleiving the fact but I beleive he did not say something like this (pondering the thoughts, re assuring the old thoughts that I fixed earlier ) etc. And thus I got tangled in every way. And I could understand that I can’t fight this battle any more. So I ultimately ended up deciding ‘Ya Allah I am sorry for this thoughts in arrogant tone indicating to ‘Even if Allah say so’ and I am cancelling this thought in such arrogant way. But still I won’t do those acts like forgiving or revisiting the earlier thoughts and asserting what I would have done. So does my above thought show any disrespecting to Allah or do I HAVE to assert the fact like ‘IF you are saying so then I am doing so’ most of the toughts are tangled with each other I can’t even remember them properly. Like earlier I calmed my mind somehow by thinking or asserting that I don’t need to ponder into them. Now today somehow I ended up thinking like (in a arrogant tone) ‘Even if Allah is saying to think about those earlier thoughts and ensure what I would have done in those scenario then Also I won’t do this’ Thus I fix my thoughts one way and get tangled in other way and I am failing to break the loop. In my thoughts it happened like I told Allah ‘if you are saying so I will do whatever I need to do as a muslim’ then I understood these thoughts are very much problematic. Then I again told Allah I am cancelling this thought of ‘whatever I need to do as a muslim’ because it put me in a problematic situation. Then again I feared that cancelling this thought itself may be problematic. So then I told Allah I am cancelling the 1st part ‘even if you are saying so’ because for some cases it is not known to me what you say, for some cases I know what you say I am beleiving them and even if I don’t do that its not kufr. And the thoughts that come to my mind is in present/past tense. Suppose ‘even if Allah has said this I haven’t done it’ and that mainly put me to the fear of kufr. If it were in future tesnse i could have fix it easily. Thus I am fully devastated by my own thoughts. I am drowning. My question: if such thought intentionally or unintentionally or deliberately come with a arrognat tone ‘even if Allah has said so I am not doing this’ Is it enough if I just say sorry and cancel the thoughts that I think with arrogant tone? like ‘Even if you said so’ or the whole thought ‘Even if you said so I haven’t done this’ is it enough just to cancel the thought? and say sorry for the arrogant tone? Or I have to ensure What I would have done if Allah said so? Can I just cancel the whole thought and move on without asserting any action? Do I have to assert/ensure what action I would have done in such cases? My fear is that the thought come in an arrogant tone. And that is killing me. infix one issue I got into another. Would it be ok if I just cancel the thought that suppose I had in arrogant tone ‘even if Allah said so’ and move on? Because I know doing sin is not kufr. So even if one does anu sin that is not kufr but this arrogant tone is killing me. Can I just cancel the arrogant portion of the thought ‘even if Allah say so’ and say sorry for that and move on because ultimately I don’t want to forgive, don’t want to indulge in thoughts that I had earlier and somehow closed them. Or I have to ensure the act in a positive way like ‘even if Allah said so I am doing this’! Do I have to say/think so? I am really sorry for such a tangled message. But I can’t bear this fear any more. Please help. Psychiatrist said to stop thinking and do some other task. But they are not scholars who can say if I need to ensure like ‘even if Allah say this then I am doing this’ I hope you will read my comment with empathy and not get disgusted. I know my comment itself is very pathetic. But I am exhausted in this battle. @Irfan76
Wa alaikum assalam bhai. Actually I am riding this boat alone in such a fearful ocean! I even feel scared to talk to anybody. I continuously feel worried about ‘what if’ situations.