Severely Affected With Fear Of Kufr
Sister! I really relate to you on some levels. Especially starting to fear Islam because of fatwas. They use such hard language for women sometimes that, when I was expecting my child, ( May Allah forgive for such awful awful thoughts, I was ignorant, ungrateful and so stupid ) I was scared of having a daughter as I believed I am fine with being a women and having what I was starting to believe in my head was a inferior place but I was scared of having a daughter who would have the same internal struggles and self hate ( May Allah forgive me, such stupid stupid thoughts). That is infact, how I started to properly engage with the Farahi school of thought. I wanted to educate myself with what I would eventually have to teach my child. Please listen ( and forgive me if my unsolicited advise is unwelcomed, I simply see someone with similar demons as mine). I also had huge anxieties about marriage and being sinful for the disobedience I show my husband . I used to pray for kind husband who was not controlling. I can not guarantee that is what you will get but I will like to reveal something I found out: unless u are married to a complete control freak ( which not a normal person), your husband probably wants you to take the lead in a lot of stuff, infact they probably marry because they want a partner in life not servant. Yes they get the last say on the big decisions ( both in our religion and culture ) but trust me, it’s a not a dictator giving out orders. You discuss things, disagree with one another, either u relent or he does but if no one relents then u agree to disagree, but follow his decision. But generally speaking, as a wife, u have ALOT of influence over what your husband thinks. I mean alot. A husband usually is not indifferent to your happiness, for why would someone sensible want to actively amcause distress to the person they the most time with. Not everything has to be big showdown where no one backs down but u can gently keep discussing your point of views and it is likely he will see your side , it might even be that u better understand his side. This is not just my experience, but I have seen peaceful marriages for my strong headed friends aswell. I don’t think it is wise to base our opinions on relationships of women much older as I suspect that the men and culture were a little different back then. Sis, pray for a kind pious husband and IA Allah Talla will show u a side of things that u never knew. I had and still do have dreams, and it is clear to me the only one standing between me and them is me, not my husband . Good spouses uplift and respect each other, and that goes for both genders. When u make a decision ( mutual, yours or his), it is the both of you who will either reap the rewards or deal with the consequences ( without projecting blame on to the one who made it). That’s teamwork, you lose to the person sometimes but the goal is to win as a team.
When you have options given by God and you opt one, of course, it is not kufr.