Please Help Me In My Distressed Fighting With My Own Thoughts
Assalamu alaikum dear sister Tasmin, Your pain is real and very heavy, and no one who has not lived your story can fully feel what you are carrying. Your husband’s betrayal, the sudden divorce, the shock to your family – all of this is a form of zulm, and it is normal for your heart to feel broken, angry and confused. Please know this: these endless “what if it is kufr?” thoughts are waswas and a result of deep hurt, not a sign that you have left Islam. You are still a believer as long as you hold onto La ilaha illa Allah and you do; your long, sincere search for guidance itself is a beautiful proof of your iman. In our deen, a wronged person is allowed to ask Allah for justice. If you are not ready to forgive, you may simply say: “O Allah, if he truly wronged me, then take my right from him in the way that is most just in Your knowledge,” and then stop there without making any more conditions in your mind. You do not have to analyse every scenario or replay it hundreds of times. Allah knows every detail better than you, and His justice will never miss anything. Try, from now on, not to answer each new scary thought. When it comes, say in your heart: “This is waswas. I already chose to believe in Allah and leave my case to Him,” and then turn your attention to something else, even if the fear remains for a while. Over time this will, in sha Allah, weaken the waswas. You deserve support, not judgement. Please consider seeing a compassionate Muslim psychologist or psychiatrist who understands trauma and intrusive thoughts; this is a halal means that Allah has placed for healing, not a weakness in faith. May Allah heal your heart, protect your iman, give you a future better than what was taken from you, and give you full justice in this life or the next. Ameen.
It happens in intense feelings, but once you repent and correct your thoughts, it is fine. Again, you need to move on.