Item: SCP-004-J

Object Class: Euclid Thaumiel

Special Containment Procedures: The entity is currently housed in the Site-08 North Wing, Accounts Payable office, from Monday to Friday between the hours of 0800 to 1700 hours local, with 1 hour from 1200 to 1300 hours local spent in the North cafeteria, or traversing from there back to his desk. The entity may occasionally need to use the restroom, take breaks by walking the North Wing corridor, or receive water from the water fountain. In the long-term, the entity can be contained by biannual performance reviews indicating that we are pleased but think the entity is capable of more, and annual raises equivalent to rate of inflation, plus four percentage points. The entity may also be enticed to remain in containment by pointing out the low cost of living, easy commute and quality public parks.

Description: SCP-004-J is Stanley Nichols, a Certified Public Accountant (CPA) (Univ. of Michigan, 1978) and former Chief Financial Officer for [REDACTED], currently employed by the Foundation. SCP-004-J is roughly 180cm tall and weighs roughly 75kg, Caucasian, with thinning brown hair and brown eyes. The entity has been in Foundation containment since July 1991, ostensibly in reply to a job posting. The anomalous properties of the entity manifested after the job was awarded, during mandatory psych and low-level amnestic administration. The staffer assigned to the task flatly refused to administer amnestics to the entity, claiming that SCP-004-J was "a real visionary," and that "[it] would be a waste of drugs, and a needless CapEx hit." After a brief convention by the hiring department, the Compulsion and Cognitohazard Unit, and Site-04's subject matter expert on hazardous humanoids, the agreement was made to contain SCP-004-J under the premise of hiring them for the desired position in accounts payable.

SCP-004-J appears to be a very capable accountant and has made commendable efforts in both lowering our annual capital expenditures budget while streamlining our vendor and purchase process for operating expenditures. Furthermore, their holistic approach to purchasing and leveraging the growing internationalization of the supply chain has caused a sea change in our view of the synergistic possibilities to creating a budget-concious deliverable, leading to a paradigm-shift of crowd-sourced

It appears the entity was in my vicinity briefly. To summarize, SCP-004-J has a distinct cognitohazardous field that will interfere with thought processes, overriding thought patterns with new ones that encourage growing a business through a set of jargon commonly used by C-level executives ("buzzwords") while also impairing the ability to think critically. CT scans of Foundation employees in the field of SCP-004-J show a lowered neuron excitement state in the occipital cortex and the hippocampus. SCP-004-J was classed as Euclid in August of 1991.

SCP-004-J was reclassed as Thaumiel in October of 1992 following a near-total containment breach in August of 1992 caused by structural damage suffered during Hurricane Andrew at Site-██, during which SCP-004-J was exposed to SCP-106, which is classed Keter and invariably hostile to human life. Rather than panic or hide, SCP-004-J began discussing the importance of residual income and annuities when structuring a quarterly budget. SCP-106 appeared rapt with attention, materialized a business card and agreed to join SCP-004-J for a "lunch and learn" at his soonest convenience. Further testing has shown that the cognitohazard surrounding SCP-004-J affects not only humanoids, but every sentient lifeform that has been exposed.

In furtherance of a hypothesis posed by Drs. McGinley and White, SCP-004-J was stationed outside the containment cell of SCP-682, at a safe distance but close enough to have the notorious creature in its cognitohazardous field. Audio follows:

Audio Log 004-J-E-682-001

Transcribing...

SCP-682: Kill… (inaudible)… killing…

Dr. White: SCP-682, could you repeat that?

SCP-682: Killing… bottom… line.

Dr. White: I'm sorry?

SCP-682: Amortization… buying in this economy… sucker bet.

Dr. White: SCP-682, do you own property here?

SCP-682: Synergize assets… leverage intellectual capital for… flagship product.

(Note from Researcher: At this point, three common white mice are introduced into SCP-682's containment cell. SCP-682 normally devours prey on sight.)

SCP-682: Ahhh… a conference call. I sense… redundancies… we must smartsize… to better push the envelope… in our core competencies.

(SCP-682 then dismembers and eats two of the three mice.)

SCP-682: I hope they find… their severance… suitable.

Audio Ends