Item #: SCP-1638-J

Object Class: Better safe than sorry

Special Containment Procedures: Containment of SCP-1638-J is cut and dried: it is to be kept in low security locker 36 in site 21. SCP-1638-J wouldn't hurt a fly.

Description: Let's not beat around the bush, SCP-1638-J is a lead printing plate with dimensions of 21 cm by 30 cm, it is as black as coal. In a nutshell the majority of the content on the plate appears to be an advertisement written in English for four separate novels, but the jury is still out on this. In order to help set the record straight, the English content present on SCP-1638-J is displayed below:

Ace in the Hole

Jerry is an aging golfer, yet to win a major tournament. Geoff is a senior policeman, a week from retirement. When a prominent member of the Pleasant Springs Golf Club is murdered, Geoff is brought in to investigate. Jerry offers to help Geoff with the case, on the condition that they team up to compete in the annual Partners Golf Tournament. Geoff, a notorious lone wolf, reluctantly accepts the offer. Can this unlikely pair put aside their differences and work together?

The Big Apple

Sarah is a big city girl eager for a change. She leaves her high paying job and moves to the country in search of a new life working on an orchard. Sarah has a hard time fitting into rural life, but everything changes when she meets Jim. Jim, an experienced farmhand, takes Sarah under his wing. When Sarah's former employer offers her a new position she is forced to make a choice; does she move back to the city or stay on the orchard with Jim?

Out of the Frying Pan

When Edward Blanc suddenly develops amnesia, his company Blanc's Pans is in hot water. Only two people know the secret method used to make Blanc's world famous pans; with Edward unable to remember, time is running out for the company. Only Edward's former partner Juan Estavo can save them now. Unfortunately, Juan is in jail doing time for a crime he didn't commit. Can Joseph Geldbaum, a young lawyer with unorthodox methods, free Juan and stop Blanc's Pans from going bankrupt?

Jack of all Trades

Jack is a young man from a small farming village. When his village is destroyed by goblins he is forced to flee, ending up in the capital of a great empire. Jack works as a cook in the castle kitchens, until one day his fortunes change. Jack manages to save Princess Anna from an assassin and is offered a knighthood in return. When Princess Anna is captured by a dragon, Jack and his friend Albert, the wisecracking court jester, set off to slay the dragon and save the Princess.

Additional text is present on SCP-1638-J but it's all Greek to me.

SCP-1638-J is not dated and its country of origin is unknown. SCP-1638-J was recovered on ██-██-████, a dark and stormy night, from a printing house in Vienna.

Anyone writing about SCP-1638-J will tend to use more clichéd phrases than you can shake a stick at. This effect is unintentional and subjects are unaware of any alterations to their writing style. As for why SCP-1638-J has this effect, God only knows.

Last but not least, the novels alluded to by SCP-1638-J have not been located as of ██-██-████. As no progress has been made, the Foundation have thrown in the towel and ceased all searching for the novels.

That's the way the cookie crumbles.

Notes:

When it comes to SCP-1638-J what you see is what you get, it's not rocket science. Our resources are stretched thin at the moment and when push comes to shove there is no need for further experimentation on SCP-1638-J currently. Dr. █████████

I disagree, you can't judge a book by its cover. Dr. ████