Just twist the top off and have a drink.

I own both of the email addresses listed, in case anyone's worried about that.

I think that's everything…

by Doctor Cimmerian

Item #: SCP-3244

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: The house containing SCP-3244 is to be secured against outside visitors by Foundation agents. Utilizing the Foundation front company "Southern Crosscut Pines" the surrounding properties are to be purchased from their current owners in order to effect more permanent containment.

Should this purchasing process not be completed by January 1st 2019, Foundation assets in the West Haven city council are to call for the condemnation of the remaining homes under the auspices of protecting the community from sinkhole risks.

Description: SCP-3244 is an aperture located on the second floor of a house in West Haven, Connecticut that leads to an extra-dimensional space. This aperture is approximately .69 meters in diameter. When traversed by an individual's arm, SCP-3244 allows that individual to acquire an instance of "Mountain Dew" (hereafter identified as SCP-3244-1).

SCP-3244 is capable of producing variants of SCP-3244-1 which do not match any extant commercial product. A full listing of these variants is available in document 3244-1-K. Following 513 tests, the distribution of acquired variants is as follows:

Mountain Dew Code Red: 365

Mountain Dew (Baseline Flavor): 44

Bottled, clear, and unaged whiskey: 34

Mountain Dew Baja Blast: 31

Other Mountain Dew branded products (for a full listing see pages 1-3 of document 3244-1-K): 26

Anomalous variants of SCP-3244-1: 13

SCP-3244 was originally identified and contained on August 16th 2016. The house SCP-3244 is located in had been abandoned for 7 months by its previous owner, Toby Thompson1. Mr. Thompson was last seen on January 18th 2016, approximately 9 months after the original creation of SCP-3244. A collection of communications between Mr. Thompson and his associates are collected below.

+ Show Communication Logs

- hide Communication Logs

Communications recovered from Mr. Thompson's Phone:

Log 3244-A:

yo I got an idea

What

what if we didn't have to get up to get stuff from our fridges downstairs

Like rick and morty?

you know anyone who's good with portals and shit?

You heard of the jmen

shit yeah

Charles Boles

he got a number?

Dude still uses email.

old fart?

Yeah but like, be respectful, call him Mr. Boles

the fuck?

Just do it

fine what's his addy?

One second

moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC#moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC

that is an old person

Don't fuck this up for me. We need them for stuff somtimes

i won't, jesus get your panties out of a knot

Recovered Emails:

To: Charles Boles (moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC#moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC)

From: Toby Thompson (moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt#moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt)

Subject: portals

Hey Mr. Boles. A friend of mine told me you could help me make portals and stuff.

To: Toby Thompson (moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt#moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt)

From: Charles Boles (moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC#moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC)

Subject: Re: Portals

Mr. Guthrie2 told me you might be dropping a message. We're quite honored to be considered for the work, honestly. What did you have in mind exactly?

To: Charles Boles (moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC#moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC)

From: Toby Thompson (moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt#moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt)

Subject: Re: Portals

I wanted to know if it was possible to make a portal from my desk to the refrigerator.

To: Toby Thompson (moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt#moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt)

From: Charles Boles (moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC#moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC)

Subject: Re: Portals

I see. Yes. We can do that. Are you sure? This is quite an expensive service you're asking for.

To: Charles Boles (moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC#moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC)

From: Toby Thompson (moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt#moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt)

Subject: Re: Portals

Yup.

To: Toby Thompson (moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt#moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt)

From: Charles Boles (moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC#moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC)

Subject: Re: Portals

Alright then. We'll contact Mr. Guthrie for payment, if you don't mind? He's a known quantity to us, and I'd be more comfortable with that sort of arrangement. Once the deposit clears we'll send one of our people to you.

To: Charles Boles (moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC#moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC)

From: Toby Thompson (moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt#moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt)

Subject: Re: Portals

I'm good for it but alright. He's got my details.

To: Toby Thompson (moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt#moc.liamg|tiezalb024nospmohtt)

From: Charles Boles (moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC#moc.liamg|seloBlraEselrahC)

Subject: Re: Portals

Excellent! We'll get this ball rolling then. Thanks for the business!

Log 3244-B:

this sucks

What now

i'm out of dew

lul

not funny dude

lulz

fuck you i'm fixing this portal

It's broke?

i don't want to have to buy more dew.

So you're broke

no just lazy

Calling it like you see it

No further communications involving SCP-3244 were discovered. It is believed that the capacity to acquire variant instances of SCP-3244-1 was added by Mr. Thompson. 9 months after this textual exchange, Mr. Thompson went missing.

+ Show Testing Logs

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Test 1:

Date: 9/24/16

Directive: Baseline test. D-8245 was directed to reach into SCP-3244 and acquire an SCP-3244-1 instance.

Results: D-8245 acquired an instance of "Mountain Dew Code Red"

Test 56:

Date: 2/19/17

Directive: Same as baseline test, however D-8245 was directed to taste acquired instance.

Results: D-8245 acquired an instance of "Mountain Dew Code Red" which emitted a faint noise until D-8245 twisted and removed the cap. D-8245 mistakenly threw cap into SCP-3244 after removal. Instance did not appear to possess any other anomalous properties and the noise did not return.

Test 103:

Date: 4/24/17

Directive: Same as baseline test.

Results: D-8245 acquired an instance of bottled, clear, and unaged whiskey. Labeled "MD Moonshine".

Test 285:

Date: 8/6/17

Directive: Same as baseline test.

Results: D-8245 acquired a jar of "Moonlight" (pictured above). Approximate weight of the object is in line with the weight of an empty jar despite appearing to contain a solid substance.

Test 513:

Date: 1/11/18

Directive: Same as baseline test, however D-8245 was directed to taste acquired instance.

Results: D-8245 was seated next to the aperture while researchers set up recording equipment prior to test.

A hand approximately 7 meters wide emerged from an aperture on the opposite side of the testing chamber and grasped D-8245. D-8245 began to scream and was removed from the testing chamber through that same aperture by the hand. After approximately 6 seconds D-8245's head re-entered the chamber through the new aperture. The remainder of his body was not recovered.

The newly formed aperture does not appear to have remained in place following this test.

Note: Testing has been temporarily suspended.

Footnotes

1. A known associate of GOI 5869.

2. This individual has still not been located, however they appear to be the same individual Mr. Thompson exchanged text messages with.

Mountain Dew: Code Red

None