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SCP-2058: Smith Comma Jim

Tastes like Some Stuff.

Author: AndarielHalo

Eat more of my SCPs. Eat them all.

Also please eat some of these

Anabasis Hub Probably the greatest story involving a pair of redheaded siblings whose infighting causes the end of the world

Manna Charitable Foundation 2000 The sequel to the above, collaborationed with Dr Reach

The Stuff Industry What happens when everyone around you at work is a complete idiot and so are you, but not only does no one get fired, but you actually turn a profit? I don't know, some stuff.

When MCF and Stuff happen A fun story of incompetence

1/2058 LEVEL 1/2058

CLASSIFIED

Item #: SCP-2058

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2058 is to be kept locked in containment chamber 44 when not in use. SCP-2058 is not allowed to wander on its own, and may be physically restrained if non-compliant. Containment chamber is to be kept empty and it is not allowed to hoard items of any kind, as subject has tendency to acquire objects independently.

Description: SCP-2058 is a bipedal humanoid robot 2.7 meters tall, weighing 424 kg, constructed from high-strength polymer impregnated with carbon nanotubes and interlaced with reinforced fibers and epoxy. Speakers beneath its "face" produce a high pitched, heavily distorted voice of indeterminate sex.

SCP-2058 contains a retractable chest cavity containing a bowl-shaped opening 11 cm in diameter. It autonomously seeks out small objects and places them into the opening. When its chest cavity is pressed back in place, a sheath of galvanized steel comes down over the bowl, at which point the object vanishes.

When SCP-2058 was given a GPS tracking device to place within its chest cavity, the device continued to transmit, but upon SCP-2058's departure the device's signal did not change location, and it has to date continued transmitting from the point of disappearance.

The means by which SCP-2058 disposes of objects placed within its chest cavity cannot be determined. With the exception of the steel sheath coming down around the object, there appears to be no activity taking place within the chest cavity. Heat generated by SCP-2058 during this process has not exceeded output while idle. Personnel who have examined the cavity report nothing to indicate objects are in any way transported or incinerated or pulverized, although four individuals have reported a brief sensation of warmth and numbness when touching the interior of SCP-2058.

Additionally, SCP-2058 offers "life advice" in the form of incoherent, often belligerent or criminal, suggestions in exchange for US quarters any small metallic object. Content of these suggestions often involve sensitive information relating to Foundation personnel it has come into contact with. "Advice" delivered in this fashion becomes more personalized with each suggestion offered, indicating SCP-2058 gauges the reaction of the individual and adjusts further responses as a result.

SCP-2058 was discovered in a reinforced shipping container 22.54 km off the coast of ███████, Washington. The container was heavily degraded, with polyps beginning to cover the exposed surface. The remains of a logo are visible on one end, with the name "Stuff and Something, Inc" having survived. The container showed no signs of having been opened, nor were the remains of any shipwreck found in the vicinity.

Addendum: SCP-2058 has shown a tendency to steal objects discreetly. When confronted, SCP-2058 denies the theft or attempted theft, demonstrating a clear attempt at subterfuge. Regular inspections of SCP-2058's containment chambers have recovered several items stolen from personnel. In one instance, SCP-2058 was observed placing several metallic objects, including jewelry and nails, into its chest cavity. In this instance, none of the stolen items were recovered.

Some of the recovered items include:

A pressure valve

150 aluminum nails

Seven 9mm bullet shell casings

17 assorted lengths of copper wire

2 credit cards

A roll of electrical tape

A █████ SATA hard drive (newly purchased and not used)

14 flash cards used by personnel involved in SCP-████ ( [DATA EXPUNGED] )

As of ██/██/2014, SCP-2058 has displayed an interest in SCPs (including SCP-████ referenced above) catalogued and/or filed by [REDACTED]. A potential link between the items is being investigated.

Log of Communications: The following suggestions made by SCP-2058 have been noted due to undue level of knowledge of sensitive information. Due to risk of data breach or leakage, SCP-2058 is no longer allowed to interact with personnel outside of Drs. Prynn, █████, and Streen.

04/04/2011: SCP-2058 informed Dr. Prynn that researchers were more numerous than valid D-Class candidates and more likely to leak classified information to friends and family. SCP-2058 then suggested a routine schedule of monthly termination of researchers to avoid such leaks.

11/16/2011: SCP-2058 suggested "Have you tried ignoring SCP-682? Bullies often thrive on attention. Ignore them long enough and they are eventually liable to stop."

2/24/2012: SCP-2058 claimed "Nothing stops you from terminating Dr. █████. Everyone knows he's a fake." Note: Information regarding Dr. █████ and the [REDACTED] allegations have been expunged from Dr. █████'s record.

2/28/2012: SCP-2058 claimed "Babies are cheap, fast, plentiful, and fun to make. Why not put them to use instead of wasting valuable full-grown Class-D personnel?"

3/16/2012: Over a 48 hour period, SCP-2058 responded to all questions and comments with the phrase "There you go again!"

5/11/2013: SCP-2058 asked without context, "Is this the one with blood sacrifices?"

6/22/2013: SCP-2058 informed Dr. Prynn of the allegedly high likelihood of successfully embezzling Foundation funds for her own personal use. SCP-2058 then offered to feign a containment breach to allow for additional funding in containing the subject. SCP-2058 demanded it be given at least 4% of the proceeds in turn.

1/14/2014: SCP-2058 told Dr. Prynn "You are getting fat. You could lose some weight. Have you thought about removing your legs and replacing them with cybernetic prostheses? Take it from me, they are fun."

2/1/2014: SCP-2058 exclaimed "Stuff and Something Inc is a fraudulent company and I highly doubt many of the people working there even know their company's name."

4/12/2014: SCP-2058 made reference to a non-existent SCP, then apologized upon learning of its mistake, claiming it had been "momentarily displaced."