SCP-8224

Item #: SCP-8224

Object Class: Safe1

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-8224 is currently held at a high-value containment locker at Site-██. Personnel wishing to experiment with SCP-8224 must obtain approval from the project head. Efforts to artificially replicate SCP-8224's properties are under review from the Occult Studies and Thaumatology Division.

Description: SCP-8224 is a plastic magician's wand. The object constantly emits trace amounts of Elan-Vital Energy (EVE).

The object's primary anomalous properties manifest in the presence of thaumaturgic practitioners. Upon physical contact, the EVE SCP-8224 emits will be produced at higher and concentrated levels. When wielding SCP-8224, the subject's thaumaturgic abilities are altered. Although the exact alterations that manifest vary between subjects, there are multiple universal constants:

The subject's thaumaturgic capacity is greatly increased. Subjects are not telepathically imbued with the knowledge necessary to aid their proficiency, but rather are able to more easily execute advanced spells and feats if performed correctly.

The costs associated with utilizing EVE in thaumaturgy are greatly decreased.

Certain feats that would normally require supplementary materials2 are able to be bypassed with the use of SCP-8224.

Visual phenomena resulting from thaumaturgic action (luminescence, spatial distortions, etc.) will become more visible when the subject is observed by one or more individuals.

Incorporating SCP-8224 into traditional magic tricks3 will cause all routines and illusion effects to become anomalous. The anomalous phenomena displayed depends on, and corresponds with the selected magic trick.

These alterations are not permanent; the subject’s thaumaturgic capabilities as well as SCP-8224’s EVE production rate will return to baseline upon loss of physical contact with the anomaly. A subject who is not trained in thaumaturgy prior to interacting with SCP-8224 will cause the object to remain inert.

Prior to containment, SCP-8224 had been in prolonged and involuntary contact with GoI-611 ("Staging Hats")

Group of Interest #: 611 ("Staging Hats")

Overview: In the aftermath of the 1998 North Korean Incident, multiple societal changes had occurred in response to the Veil Protocol being broken, including mass media. Hoping to capitalize on the public's fascination with the revelation of anomalies, various networks and companies seized on the opportunity. This ranged from films and television shows being produced based on information sourced from the Foundation and the Global Occult Coalition to news programs heavily skewing their content to coveraging anomalous phenomena. As restrictions eased and disclosures continued, other industries followed suit, such as restaurants serving anomalous food, pet shops showcasing abnormal pets, and travel agencies being allowed to expand into Free Ports such as Three Portlands and La Rue Macabre. Overall, most professions benefited during this period of time.

The same could not be said for the profession of prestidigitation.

Unlike most professions, who have adopted anomalous elements and/or practices into their field of work, the art of stage magic was completely overtaken by it. Magicians being replaced by those who can demonstrate legitimate thaumaturgy was widely commonplace. As a result of their skills no longer being in demand many illusionists had voluntarily quit their careers or were forced to on account of the risk of severe financial risk and bankruptcy.

However, in recent years, a multitude of retired magicians and former fans had coalesced into a group known as the Staging Hats. According to their mission statement, Staging Hats aim to bring back respect for the art of prestidigitation through multiple methods, usually via underground performances. Staging Hats explicitly forbids the use of anomalous objects and abilities into their performances, claiming to strictly use non-anomalous tricks into their acts. Although Staging Hats began as a loosely connected community born from the internet, their actions had allowed them to grow into a multinational organization primarily present within North America and Western Europe.

Staging Hats are antagonistic towards groups previously tasked with upholding the Veil Protocol. They hold special contempt for the SCP Foundation on the belief they should have been held accountable for the North Korean Incident despite evidence to the contrary. Multiple member's of the organization had in the past engaged in hostilities through ridicule, attempting to trick the Foundation into believing an anomaly's existence when in actuality they are a product of prestidigitation. Additionally, Staging Hats has been suspected was for leaking documentation belonging to the Foundation in the past, but there is currently no concrete evidence to support this suspicion.

As Staging Hats have not majorly impeded the Foundation's operation, or uniformly engaged in para-terroristic acts, and are slowly gaining favor with the general public, it was decided that direct action outside of standard monitoring procedures are to be refrained for the time being.

Addendum-01, History: On 04/07/2015, the Foundation received intel that GoI-611 was attempting to establish its presence somewhere within the Eastern United States; the organization's activity was later confirmed in ████████, New Jersey.

A member of GoI-611's New Jersey's chapter leader was subsequently identified, designated as PoI-1874 (Harry Jillete.) The Foundation decided the best course of action was to utilize PoI-1874 as a focal point towards infiltrating the organization. Through careful planning, the Foundation managed to get in contact with PoI-1874, scheduling a meeting with him by sending an undercover agent.

▶ ACCESS FILE ◀

▷ CLOSE FILE ◁

[BEGIN LOG]

[Agent Caulfield is waiting at an outdoor dining table of ████ Italian Cafe. Agent Caulfield looks up from his watch to see two men approaching him. Manny Dovez and PoI-1874 are wearing a dark red and a dark blue suit respectively. Agent Caulfield stands up.]

Agent Caulfield: Mr. Jillete, a pleasure to finally meet you in person.

PoI-1874: Oh no, Mr. Hancock.4 The pleasure is all mine.

[Agent Caulfield and PoI-1874 briefly hug and pat each other on the back before sitting down. A waitress with green hair comes to the table, writes their orders, then departs. Mr. Dovez clears his throat.]

Dovez: Apologies for being late. We had a certain… issue we had to contend with.

[PoI-1874's lip quivers, his right hand balls into a fist. Agent Caulfield raises his hand.]

Agent Caulfield: Water under the bridge. So… what are you thinking?

PoI-1874: Hm… I'll be frank with you Ben. When I first heard of your proposition I almost thought it was a prank.

Agent Caulfield: You're almost talking like you still do.

Dovez: Heh… well the thing is…

PoI-1874: We got a bunch of pissants messing with us in the past. Unlike them, you clearly have good taste in showmanship. In fact… it's practically golden!

Agent Caulfield: Well I really— oh!

[PoI-1874 pulls what appears to a rose covered in golden-colored wrapping paper from the sleeve of his suit and gives it to Agent Caulfield. Agent Caulfield unwraps the object, revealing a chocolate sculpture resembling a rose.]

Agent Caulfield: Chocolate?

Dovez: Dark chocolate. Harry thought it would make it more mysterious.

Agent Caulfield: Right… Anyways, you are right on the money Mr. Jillete. Like I said, as a young boy I had a fascination with magic. The performance kind, not that Harry Potter crap that is happening nowadays. Who knew something so real could feel so cheap?

PoI-1874: That's exactly what I have been saying! [Whispers to Dovez] That's a good one, write that down.

Agent Caulfield: And speaking of money…

[Agent Caulfield hands a written note to PoI-1874. PoI-1874 reads it, showing signs of astonishment.]

PoI-1874: A million dollars?!

Agent Caulfield: Amongst other things. I always put money where my mouth is. If you want to do something right, sometimes you gotta go all out. Am I right?

PoI-1874: Boy, you got yourself a deal. With my connections I can make it happen. In fact, I'll promise to make sure this will be worth your while… and… your time!

[PoI-1874 holds up a watch. Agent Caulfield looks at his bare wrist. PoI-1874 hands Agent Caulfield back his watch. The waitress comes back and sets mugs of coffee on the table and leaves.]

PoI-1874: Sorry, I just couldn't help myself.

Agent Caulfield: None taken. That was a good trick.

PoI-1874: Pfft. I could've done that in my sleep. We originally had something more complex planned, but our equipment kind of got wonky. It's a long story but…

[PoI-1874 pauses to look towards Dovez. Dovez mouth is inside the coffee mug, he appears to be in discomfort.]

PoI-1874: Manny? What's wrong?

[Dovez shudders as he pulls away the mug. A cylinder block of frozen coffee is pulled from the mug. Dovez's tongue is stuck to the frozen block.]

Agent Caulfield: Wow. That trick's even better than the last one. How'd you pulled that off?

PoI-1874: I didn't.

Agent Caulfield: What?

[PoI-1874 looks around in alarm, frantically observing his surroundings. Manny groans as he tries to free his tongue from the block of ice with coffee creamer to no success.]

PoI-1874: Goddammit! Not again, that fucking asshole.

Agent Caulfield: Him?

PoI-1874: Ben, change of plans. I really think we should take this talk elsewhere. This place ain't safe—

Waitress: Here you go sir, free of charge.

[The waitress comes back, playing a large whipped cream pie in front of PoI-1874. PoI-1874 looks to the waitress.]

PoI-1874: Wait, I didn't order—

[PoI-1874 scans his meal. The words "HUMBLE" are written on the pie in pink frosting. The word is contained within the boundaries of the rear end of what appears to be an equine figure written in black frosting.]

PoI-1874: Is that a donkey—

[A hand suddenly emerges from the pie, grasps onto PoI-1874 face. The hand then retracts, pulling PoI-1874's face into the pie. PoI-1874 thrashes his body to no success. The waitress sighs, shaking her head in dejection as she opens a box of thumbtacks and pours it over PoI-1874’s chair. Agent Caulfield jumps up from his seat.]

Agent Caulfield: What the hell is that?!

PoI-4781: A decent magic trick. What did you think of my act?

[Agent Caulfield snaps his head to his left. A individual wearing a wizard's costume towers over him, twirling a large wooden wand between his fingers.]

Agent Caulfield: …Who are you?

PoI-4781: Oh, just a concerned citizen. Well… that and the new face of magic. Proper magic that is.

[PoI-1874 stops thrashing, instead extending his left arm towards the direction of PoI-4781. PoI-4781 performs several clicks with his mouth as he shakes his head at PoI-1874.]

PoI-4781: But some folks have a hard time adapting with the times, especially when their skull is thicker than a bowl of oatmeal.

[PoI-1874 pounds both his fist on the table and tries to get up. His face is still stuck in the pie.]

PoI-4781: That and having no real talent. [To Agent Caulfield] By the way, even in his dorky clubhouse, he ain't even top brass. Thought you should know. Just trying to be a good citizen is all—

Waitress: Walt, he's starting to croak.

PoI-4781: Roxy, you make it sound like it's a bad thing.

[The waitress glares at PoI-4781. PoI-4781 rolls his eyes, sighing.]

PoI-4781: Fine. Catch you later, [To PoI-1874 and Dovez] you freaking hippies!

[PoI-4781's wand glows a greenish luminescence, then whacks PoI-4781 on the head. PoI-1874 is released from the pie. He stumbles backwards and falls onto his seat. PoI-1874 yelps in pain as he collapses to the ground, a plethora of thumbtacks are piercing his posterior. PoI-4781 and the waitress high-five each other before running down the street.]

[PoI-1874 scrambles to his feet and wipes whipped cream and frosting from his face. He growls loudly as he places a dark blue magician hat on his head.]

PoI-1874: Not before I perform my latest trick up your ass, you mangy hobo! Come back here and take it like a man!

[PoI-1874 chases after PoI-4781 and the waitress. Agent Caulfield stares back in shock. He tries to activate the silent alarm in his watch when Dovez taps him on his hip. Agent Caulfield stares at Dovez.]

[Dovez, tongue still attached to the ice is still laying his head on the table. Dovez then slides a napkin to Agent Caulfield. The napkin contains a message made from crushed cherries from the pie. The messages reads as "SAM TIME NXT WEK?"]

[END LOG]

A thaumaturgist now identified as PoI-4871 intervened. PoI-4871 interrupted the meeting, then fled alongside with his assistant. Mr. Dovez and PoI-1874 proceed to leave the premises as well. All individuals present for this event had successfully escaped the area before additional Foundation support arrived.

PoI #: 4871

Overview: Even during Staging Hats' formative years, the mutual distaste the organization shared with active thaumaturgists was widely known.

Many members of Staging Hats were averse to thaumaturgists, more so than the existence of thaumaturgy itself, over the belief they were guilty of causing the downfall of prestidigitation. Practicing thaumaturgists also harbored negative sentiments, believing the organization's mission statement was not only foolish but also counterproductive to their livelihoods. This generalized hostility eventually caused both parties to organically engage in conflict with each other. Ranging from mockery to, on rare occasions, direct and violent confrontations.

One of the most notable opponents against Staging Hats was PoI-4781 (Walt Dorey)

PoI-4781 previously lived in New Jersey, United States of America, working multiple retail service jobs within the city of ████████. According to former associates, PoI-4781 had a borderline obsession with "magic" even prior to the North Korean incident. This obsession caused PoI-4781 to briefly change careers as a full-time fantasy fiction writer, a career that failed miserably and caused PoI-4781 to fall into a deep depression. Following the dismantling of the Veil, PoI-4781's obsessive attitude towards magic was shifted towards the anomalous. PoI-4781 was stated to research individual anomalies for long continuous hours and attempt to ingrain himself in multiple para-communities over a span of four years before vanishing from public life in 2003.

PoI-4781 reemergence coincidentally with the increased recognition of Staging Hats. The finer details of PoI-4781's during his disappearance is sparse other than the fact he is a confirmed practitioner of thaumaturgy. The methods on how PoI-4781 became a thaumaturgist, the potency of his abilities, or the reasoning he is constantly adorned in a classic wizard's costume is unknown. However it is hypothesized PoI-4781 thaumaturgic abilities are partially added through personal items he has equipped on his person.

PoI-4781's modus operandi is currently centered around interfering with Staging Hat's activities across North America. PoI-4871's method of interference typically involves spreading rumors about the organization to local populations, utilizing thaumaturgy to disrupt stage performances in a way that involuntarily includes anomalous phenomena, and on rare occasions, assault the genital regions of male members of Staging Hats exclusively with the use of either sides of his feet. Though these actions have caused him notoriety, PoI-4871 always managed to evade the area before law enforcement arrived.

As of writing, PoI-4871's operations are entirely focused on the Staging Hats' expansion in ████████, New Jersey. Instead of targeting the local chapter, PoI-4871's hostilities are primarily focused on PoI-1784.

Addendum-02, Event Log: Attached below is an abridged list of known events related to the conflict between PoI-1874 and PoI-4781. To access the unabridged version, contact the Records Department.

▶ ACCESS SCiPNET:/Event_Log/PoI-1874/PoI-4781 ◀

▷ CLOSE FILE ◁

Incident #: 01

[PoI-4781 exits a store, holding an ice cream cone. He licks the pink scoop of ice cream and expresses signs of displeasure. PoI-4781 promptly taps his wand against the ice cream, which turns brown in coloration. He licks again and expresses signs of pleasure.]

[PoI-4781 walks down the sidewalk until he freezes in place. A poster bearing the Staging Hats logo is attached to the wall near him. PoI-4781 rips the poster from the wall and examines it. He then spots PoI-1874 and Dovez trying to move several boxes out of a pickup truck. PoI-4781 immediately marches to them.]

[PoI-4781 stands in front of PoI-1874 and aggressively shows the poster in front of the latter's face. Both PoI-1874 and PoI-4781 soon shout and point at each other; Dovez attempts to deescalate the argument but fails. PoI-4781 crumbles up the poster and throws it at PoI-1874's face. PoI-1874 responds by swatting PoI-4781's wizard's hat off from his head.]

[PoI-1874 performs the middle finger gesture to PoI-4781 before walking away with Dovez. PoI-4781 readorns his hat, shuddering intensely. The ice cream cone is crushed in PoI-4781's hand, causing the scoop to fall to the floor.]

Incident #: 02

[PoI-1874 is onstage with Dovez. They are inside a theater performing for a small crowd. Dovez is a set of four plates on both of his arms while PoI-1874 pulls out a paintball gun. PoI-1874 then steps and balances on a soccer ball and aims the paintball gun at Dovez. The crowd gasps.]

[PoI-1874 pulls the trigger. Multiple bright, multiple colored flowers emerge from the barrel. The crowd claps while PoI-1874 and Dovez looks at each other with confusion. PoI-1874 turns to paintgun towards himself to observe the flowers closely. The flowers suddenly spray confetti in PoI-1874's face, causing him to fall off the soccer ball and fall to the ground. Dovez expresses shock as multiple food dishes manifest onto the plates, causing to fall onto him, dirtying his clothing.]

[The crowd laughs as PoI-1874 stands up on his feet. PoI-4781 is seen laughing and jumping at his seat. PoI-1874 spots PoI-4781 as he runs to the exit still pointing onstage. PoI-1874 expresses anger.]

Incident #: 03

[PoI-4781 walks out of a hobby shop carrying a plastic bag. As he walks, PoI-4781 picks up a collection of comic books and smiles, smelling the front covers before putting it back in the bag. PoI-4781 is signalled by a hotdog vendor with a beard, gesturing him to come closer.]

[PoI-4781 approaches, and nods his head after examining the prices on the menu. PoI-4781 sets his bag on the floor and orders a hotdog. The vendor serves his order. After paying, PoI-4781 takes a bite. The hotdog immediately explodes, spraying mustard and ketchup into his face.]

[PoI-4781 falls down, screaming as he tries to wipe the condiments out of his eyes. He tries to wipe his face with the nearest object. After being successful, PoI-4781 opens his eyes and realizes he is holding a pile of playing cards. Looking in his bag, all the comics have all been replaced by said cards.]

[Dovez removes his beard and taps his knuckles on the hotdog cart. PoI-1874 exits the hotdog cart, holding a stack of comics smeared in ketchup and mustard. PoI-1874 throws the comics into

PoI-4781's face, blows raspberries, then pushes the cart onto him.]

[PoI-1874 and Dovez flees the scene. PoI-4781 crawls out under the cart and stares at the fleeing pair of magicians. PoI-4781 pulls out his cellphone and makes a call.]

Incident #: 07

[PoI-1874 emerges from a warehouse pushing a cart full of miscellaneous objects towards a pickup truck in the parking lot. PoI-1874 is suddenly interrupted by a woman with green hair, who engages in a conversation with him. PoI-1874 replies to the woman's questions when a loud crash is heard behind him.]

[PoI-1874 turns around. The woman quickly tapes a sign to the shopping cart, waves a hand over the objects, then flees. PoI-1874 gasps.]

[PoI-1874's car has been crushed by an oversized statue of a magician's hat. PoI-1874 turns around to see all the objects in the cart have transmogrified into human fecal matter. The note on the cart depicts a large gesture of the middle finger with a small picture of a wizard's hat at the bottom of the page.]

[PoI-1874 falls to his knees, expressing signs of severe disorientation.]

Incident #: 014

Foreword: The events of this incident took place after the events of Addendum-01.

[PoI-4781 and Roxy5 rush around the corner, trying their best to pull themselves over a fence. PoI-1874 appears shortly after, his face still covered in cream. PoI-1874 rushes and tries to pull PoI-4781 off the fence. PoI-4781 responds by kicking PoI-1874 in the face.]

[PoI-1874 falls to the floor and groans. He rubs his head and is shocked to find it bare. PoI-4781 blows raspberries at PoI-1874 as he twirls the letters magician's hat in his hand. Both PoI-4781 and Roxy jump over the fence.]

[Dovez appears around the corner a moment later, observing PoI-1874 with concern. PoI-1874 stands up, staring at the fence while calmly massaging his bruised cheek.]

Incident #: 015

[PoI-4781 is seen exiting an apartment building. PoI-4781 is calling his cellphone while twirling PoI-1874's hat on his wand. PoI-4781 enters an alleyway. PoI-1874 also enters the alleyway, wielding a wooden baseball bat.]

[Two minutes later, PoI-1874 exits the alleyway, adorning his hat. He is carrying a wizard's hat and a broken baseball bat in both hands. PoI-4781 exits the alleyway five minutes later, stumbling onto the sidewalk, bruises and scrapes are on his face and his clothes are torn. He leans against the side of a building for support.]

Incident #: 016

[PoI-4781 and PoI-1874 shatter through the window of a one-story building, landing on the sidewalk. Both men are wrestling each other. PoI-4781 is using both hands to push the tip of his glowing wand against PoI-1874's neck. PoI-1874 is resisting the wand by pushing firmly against both of PoI-4781's hands with his elbow. PoI-1874 tries to reach for a bowling pain that has fallen by his side. PoI-4781's wizard's hat is attached to PoI-1874's belt.]

[Roxy and Dovez rush to the scene, pulling their respective partners away from each other. All four individuals notice they are being stared by multiple civilians. An emergency siren is heard in the local area. All four individuals scramble away from the street.]

Incident #: 017

Foreword: This incident was recorded through the concealment of a hidden camera.

[BEGIN LOF]

[PoI-1874, PoI-4781, Dovez and Roxy are sitting at a table at a near-empty bar. PoI-1874 and PoI-4781 stare at each other intently.]

PoI-1874: Well… in all my years I never thought I'd be doing this.

PoI-4781: Why? Because you think you're too high and mighty to be in the same room as me? Embarrassed that we're sharing the same air we breathe?

PoI-1874: Breathing? Nah. It's the smell more than anything else. Heh. Must be all that mustard—.

Dovez: Hey, Hey.

[Dovez snaps his fingers.]

Dovez: I thought we agreed we're going to be civil about this.

PoI-4781: He busted my ass with a goddamn bat!

Roxy: And you tried to vaporize his face. It all evens out.

PoI-4781: Which side are you on?

Roxy The one that doesn't get our asses thrown in the cell by jailors. There were like… a dozen witnesses!

Dovez: In broad daylight. We're attracting heat. If we don't cool this down we're all going to get burned.

PoI-1874: He started it.

Roxy: Look, can we not play the fucking blame game? I don't know about you but I would like to get on with my life already. Can't you all say the same?

PoI-4781: You're right, Roxy. It's about time we do get a move on with our lives. Some more than others, of course.

PoI-1874: We're not leaving the city.

PoI-4781: We were here first.

PoI-1874: Yeah, then you bailed and played Harry Potter around the country for a decade or more?

PoI-4781: You mother—

Dovez: Alright!

[Dovez slams his hand on the table. He composes himself.]

Dovez: Alright, alright. How about this? It's pretty obvious none of us are gonna back down without a fight. But what if we were to fight… peacefully.

PoI-4781: Stop being melodramatic and get to the point.

Dovez: This whole beef with us started because we decided to move shop here, right? What if we do… a challenge or a duel of some kind to resolve this issue?

PoI-1874: And what would you have in mind?

Dovez: Magic.

[Silence.]

Dovez: Harry and I happened to be planning another showing sometime before this meeting started. So imagine this. We hold a special showing. My buddy on one side of the stage, and you on the other. We all talk about what kind of magic is the best magic. So… this would be the best opportunity to prove that.

PoI-4781: You want us to participate in a magic show together? The Hats doesn't allow—

Dovez: We'll make an exception for this time. Better yet, we could finally put this debate to bed forever. Both of you will perform. Whoever entertains the crowd the most wins. The loser leaves New Jersey. We can even bring out a third party to settle things out. Sounds fair?

PoI-4781: Hm… a chance to show off, huh.

PoI-1874: Tempting. But what stops him from using magic to disrupt my own like last time?

Roxy: Anyone who tries to sabotage the other instantly loses. Better yet. The tricks you guys perform can only be done by yourselves. You'll get no support from either of us. You'll have to really focus on your wits and on your wits alone. It'll make things more interesting.

[PoI-1874 turns to Dovez. Dovez sighs.]

Dovez: If this fight keeps up, someone's gonna end up in a box. Plus, it'll look bad on all sides involved. You know how much the news loves to slander us.

PoI-1874: [Sigh] Deal?

[PoI-4781 twirls the wooden wand in his hand, reaching for a handshake. The wands transforms into SCP-8224.]

PoI-4781: Ugh. Fine. Deal.

[END LOG]

Addendum-03: Since the events of Addendum-01, Foundation operatives have been attempting to keep close tabs on PoI-4781 and PoI-1874, uncovering much of their connected history as a result. Several weeks later, it was learned that both individuals were planning to perform together at a recently identified Staging Hats-affiliated building in ████████.

This combined with the fact PoI-4781 was in possession of a highly powerful thaumaturgic object (SCP-8224) prompted the Foundation to send an undercover operative to the scene.

▶ ACCESS SCiPNET:/PoI-1874/PoI-4781/SCP-8224◀

▷ CLOSE FILE ◁

[BEGIN LOG]

[Agent Rodney enters the theater alongside other people. He spots Roxy and Dovez sitting together. Agent Rodney sits behind them and waits patiently. Eventually the lights begin to dim and the curtain opens, revealing PoI-1874 and PoI-4781. PoI-1874 speaks into his microphone.]

PoI-1874: Howdy folks, ready for a show?!

[The audience claps and whistles. PoI-4781 rolls his eyes and cracks his neck. Dovez leans towards Roxy.]

Dovez: Quite the crowd here, feeling nervous.

Roxy: Oh yes, definitely.

Dovez: Really?

Roxy: Yep, nervous how we're going to carry the entire show, especially with that extra load beside him.

Dovez: Don't get so cocky, missie. Your partner's going solo.

Roxy: Said the kettle.

Dovez: Harry can handle himself, I showed him more than enough ropes… ah, but talk is cheap. Let's see who is worth me in gold, shall we?

[Dovez points to the stage The spotlight shines on PoI-1874. He is standing on a podium.]

PoI-1874: —first trick! What's your favorite type of animal? For me it's —

[PoI-1874 outstretches his hands as he speaks. However, midway through his speech, a vest slips from his coat. PoI-1874 freezes and snaps his head to the floor. Live doves are strapped to the jacket with velcro. PoI-1874 nervously shudders and picks up the vest, showcasing it to the audience.]

PoI-1874: Birds?

[The audience murmurs - some stifle their laughter. Dovez cringes as he rubs his temples.]

Dovez: I… just remembered I never showed him how to properly release the birds.

PoI-4781: [Scoff] Oh no… anyways. How about I show you a piece of true magic?

[PoI-4781 snaps his fingers. A stage hand rolls out a grandfather clock to the stage then leaves. PoI-4781 taps on the clock — prompting the bird to emerge from the device. He twirls SCP-8224 while glancing at PoI-1874, smirking.]

PoI-4781: Now that you mention buddy o' mine, I do like birds. You know what kind of bird I really like?

[Roxy chokes on her drink. Dovez looks to her, confused.]

PoI-4781: Oh… shit.

[PoI-4781 directs SCP-8224 towards the clock. The clock emanates a green glow before it is obscured in smoke.]

PoI-4781: The cuckoo—

[The crowd gasps - some swear profanity. PoI-4781 expresses confusion until he looks to his left. In place of a grandfather clock is larger than average common cuckoo bird twitching on the ground. Half of the bird's body is visibly replaced with wood and gears. The bird twitches more rapidly, resulting in it defecating a large pile of gears, pulleys, and glass. PoI-4781 mouths the words 'Oh Shit' silently.]

Roxy: He always… screws up that spell. Goddammit.

[Roxy covers her face, slowly shaking her head. Agent Rodney's jaw is wide open in surprise.]

[SECTION SHORTENED FOR BREVITY]

[A pair of stage hands pushes a table of miscellaneous objects to the center of the stage. A portion of the audience seating is empty. PoI-4781 takes half of the objects and slides them to the ground on his side of the table.]

PoI-4781: —Oh yeah? How's this for a juggling routine?

[PoI-4781 directs SCP-8224 to the pile of objects on the ground. SCP-8224 glows green as PoI-4781 makes continuous looping gestures with his hand. The objects in turn levitate off the ground and rotate in a circular ring formation multiple times.]

[A dozen audience members in the front row clap. PoI-4781 looks to the front row, smiling. PoI-4781 loses focus on the ring of objects, causing the thaumaturgic effects he produce to cease. A handful of objects land near or directly on some of the front audience members. PoI-4781 visibly cringes after half of the front row begin to leave their seats.]

Roxy: In hindsight, maybe this "performing alone" idea wasn't exactly the brightest of the bunch. So much trouble would've been saved if we were up there.

PoI-1874: Ha! Cute. Now this. Is how. You do it!

[PoI-1874 waves his magician's wand over his pile of objects. The pile of objects levitate in the air above him. PoI-1874 then "juggles" the objects. Alternating between his hands, feet and head to launch them into the air. Audience members cheer.]

[PoI-1874 tries to bow mid-jug but loses his footing, falling to the ground. The objects continue to bop up and down in the air. The spotlight moves slightly upwards, revealing each of the objects to be connected to a thin piece of string. Audience members audibly express their disapproval.]

Dovez: I'm starting to think it would've been best if no one was up there at all.

[SECTION SHORTENED FOR BREVITY]

Dovez: I want to cry now… I really do.

[PoI-1874 and PoI-4781 are no longer performing for the audience, but are instead physically assaulting each other with their fists. More than half of the audience has left. The left that remain whistle and record the fight onstage.]

[Cuts and bruises are visible on both individuals. PoI-4781 successfully lands a hit on PoI-1874's abdomen, causing him to cry in pain. PoI-1874 retaliates by landing a punch of PoI-4781's jaw, causing the latter to involuntarily fling SCP-8224 into audience.]

[Roxy fails to react in time as SCP-8224 hits her straight in the face. Roxy cringes as she massages her left eye. She sighs.]

Roxy: Yeah… bring out the tissues.

[SECTION SHORTENED FOR BREVITY]

Dovez: Well… that's a wrap.

[Nearly all of the audience seats are empty. PoI-1874 hangs upside down from a wire wrapped around his leg. PoI-4781 lies face down on the remains of a broken table. Both men are alive but unconscious. Roxy pulls out a flask from her breast pocket and drinks from it.]

Roxy: I knew bringing this along was a good idea.

Dovez: Ugh…

[Dovez leans back on the chair, pulling at his hair.]

Dovez: I missed when things were just simple. When I signed up I thought the goal was to make people happy not… not—

Roxy: —being the referee for a clash of egos?

[Roxy hands over the flask to Dovez. Dovez looks at the flask, pauses for a moment and takes it. He takes a drink, sighing.]

Dovez: It almost sounds like you're speaking for longtime experience.

Roxy: A bit too untimely to ask personal questions now ain't it?

Dovez: Sorry, I didn't mean to off—

Roxy: Nah, nah. I'm just kidding. I kind of forget how dry my humor is. Um… want the long or short of it?

Dovez: Whatever floats your boat.

Roxy: I… always had been a part of the know-how when it comes to magic. As in magic magic. Been so ever since I was a little girl. I even had my own support group when it came to this sort of thing. Got some flak from it, mainly from the jailors, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Then…

Dovez: North Korea?

Roxy: It was always nice to get new blood but… I don't know. Perhaps it was a paradigm shift that couldn't be helped. It seemed like the newest kids on the block seemed to treat magic as a hobby, like… like a new puppy or a new cadillac. All the attention but never put too much thought in taking it too seriously. More annoying than you expect.

Dovez And… was he…?

Roxy: Oh. Pfft. Hell no. He was the exact opposite. Met him by chance a loooong time ago. When I let it slip I was "witch" it was as if I put him on a spell. I didn't, but I might as well have. He practically begged me to hang out with me. I kind of thought he was dorky, in a good way, so I let him. And before I knew it he became not a decent wizard… but a neat pal.

Roxy: But then your group made their rounds. He got extremely angry about it for some reason. That's when I noticed he took his job way too seriously. As if…

Dovez: Like becoming a thaumaturgist was his entire personality. Therefore, he took the Hats' existence as an attack on him personally?

Roxy: Wow… someone finally put it into words… you had your own experience too?

Dovez: Before shit hit the fan, Harry and I were friends in the entertainment industry. We had a rough start but we were finally making rounds. Getting requests, raking in the cash. I didn't know if we were gonna become the next Copperfield but…

Roxy: Now you'll never know?

Dovez: We were the first ones to bite the dust though. And Harry… never took it well. He'd always complain about how it wasn't fair, the humiliation and then some. We almost dived off the cliff but we eventually made it out of that pit. But Harry was not the type of guy to let things go. I don't think he ever will…

[Silence.]

Dovez: I can't speak for the rest of the Hats', especially Harry. But I never really held a grudge against you magic types. Shit happens. I just wished he understood that too.

Roxy: Ditto. And for what it's worth… I think what you're doing is kind of awesome.

Dovez: Eh?

Roxy: You guys had the rug taken out under you. No one took you seriously anymore, you were on your last leg… but somehow… you guys made the ultimate comeback. That's something to be proud of.

Dovez: Yeah… you're right.

Roxy: And who cares what people say? About this whole debate on which magic is right, better, or inherently superior. That doesn't matter onstage. Because…

Dovez: It doesn't matter in the end. If the audience thinks it's shit… it's shit.

[Roxy and Dovez stare at PoI-4781 and PoI-1874 for several moments.]

Roxy: So… we both lost then?

Dovez: Just when you think the third option isn't possible, it is.

Roxy: So… what now?

Dovez: After this shit-show, I'm kind of embarrassed to show my face around these parts. I wonder if I can get Harry to feel the same.

Roxy: I'm gonna kick Walt's ass as soon as he wakes up. I should have put my foot down sooner, but it's better late than never. I promise you he will never be bothering you again… so, shouldn't we wake them up?

Dovez: In a minute, the show is amusing when they're like this, no?

Roxy: Eh, fair enough.

[Roxy places SCP-8224 in the cupholder of the other seat. Both she and Dovez watch PoI-4781 and PoI-1874's unconscious bodies on stage. Agent Rodney slowly inserts his hand between the seat cushions of the row in front of him and takes SCP-8224 with any suspicion. Agent Rodney carefully makes his way to the exit.]

[END LOG]

The building was raided by Foundation forces after confirmation of Agent Rodney's extraction. Although all of the desired targets were missing when the raid was conducted, SCP-8224 was able to be contained and transferred to Foundation custody.

As of time of writing, no activity from either GoI-611 or PoI-4781 have been reported within ████████ since the events of Addendum-03.

Footnotes

1. Possible reclassification to a limited thaumiel class is under consideration.

2. This includes but is not limited to: ritual circles, talisman and grimoire.

3. Specifically those performed by stage magicians.

4. Ben Hancock, Agent Caulfield's fake alias.

5. Assumed name. No surname given.