Dr. Gleason makes an offer you can't refuse!

SCP-2772-J: SUV Sales Pitch

Word Count: 1,000

Reading Time: 3.5 minutes

Item #: SCP-2772-J
Level 0/2772-J

Object Class: For Sale
Limited Time Offer!

SCP-2772-J on full display. You won't find a better deal anywhere else!

Assigned Site
Site Director
Research Head
Assigned Task Force

Site-56
Dir. Peter Palermo
Dr. Gary Gleason
N/A

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2772-J is currently in the possession of Dr. Gary Gleason, and is to be sold to a prospective buyer as soon as possible.

Description: SCP-2772-J is a lightly used 2006 Ford Expedition with an Eddie Bauer trim package. It has been owned and operated by Dr. Gleason for about eight years. It is of immeasurable importance to sell SCP-2772-J to another person in a short amount of time. Notable details of SCP-2772-J include:

7 cushy seats

A combined MPG rating of 17

A great sound system

Up-to-date registration and insurance

Only 97,223 miles!!!

SCP-2772-J is available to purchase for $2500 $2000 $1900 USD. Call Dr. Gleason at (555)-867-5309 for more details.

Interviews: The following is an incomplete log of people who refused the chance to buy SCP-2772-J from Dr. Gleason at a reasonable price.

These guys missed out on a great deal!

Transcript 2772-J-01

Honest Salesman: Dr. Gleason

Stingy Bastard: Agent Caesar Spago

Foreword: Agent Spago has just arrived at Site-56 after the conclusion of an unrelated interview.

<Begin Log>

Dr. Gleason: Hey, Caesar, you're back!

Agent Spago: Hi, Gary. It took me seven hours to walk all the way back here from Brighton High, all because Donahue didn't have the sense to pick me up afterwards.

Dr. Gleason: Man, it looks like you needed some reliable transportation! Wait till you see this!

Agent Spago: That's nice, but I just want a coffee and some vacation pay right n-

Dr. Gleason drags Agent Spago to the Site-56 parking lot without his consent, and stops in front of SCP-2772-J.

Dr. Gleason: Look at this bad boy! It's got air conditioning, and exclusive trim-

Agent Spago: Gary, I don't want to buy your SUV. I already have a car.

Dr. Gleason: But with this, you could've driven back instead of walking!

Agent Spago: <very very angry> Well, it's too late now!

Agent Spago starts to walk away.

Dr. Gleason: Caesar, wait! I still haven't told you about the seat warmers!

<End Log>

Closing Statement: Following Agent Spago's refusal to purchase SCP-2772-J, Dr. Gleason was recorded making a sales pitch to Researcher Murrieta, who also refused.

Transcript 2772-J-02

Opportunity Provider: Dr. Gleason

Annoying Cheapskate: Dr. Victoria Vomac

Foreword: Dr. Vomac is currently in the market for a new vehicle.

<Begin Log>

Dr. Gleason: <meekly> Vicky, could I speak with you for a second?

Dr. Vomac: Yeah, sure, what do ya need?

Dr. Gleason: I heard you're looking for a car to buy, so I thought that-

Dr. Vomac: Oh 343, not this again.

Dr. Gleason: Yes, this again! My SUV is perfect for your family, and it holds more cargo than that minivan you're wanting to buy.

Dr. Vomac: Gleason, we've already been over this. I'm not buying your car.

Dr. Gleason: So what?! You're just gonna sink 30 grand in a mommy-mobile, when you can get my Eddie Bauer for a tenth of that?

Dr. Vomac: Get out of my office.

<End Log>

Closing Statement: Dr. Vomac's refusal to get a great deal must be the result of some sort of infohazard. I will have to look into this. -Dr. Gleason

Transcript 2772-J-03

Deal-Making Doctor: Dr. Gleason

Greedy Miser: Researcher Taylor Tassajara

Foreword: Researcher Tassajara is the only one at Site-56 that Dr. Gleason has not asked at this point.

<Begin Log>

Dr. Gleason: Excuse me? Are you Tassajara?

Researcher Tassajara: Oh, yes. You must be Dr. Gleason. Nice to meet you.

Dr. Gleason: Look, I… I have something I've never told anyone before.

Researcher Tassajara: Is this about the Ford you're trying to sell?

Dr. Gleason: No, it's- actually, yeah, it's about that. How did you know?

Researcher Tassajara: Everyone warned me about this. And just to get this out of the way, I'm not buying SCP-2772-J.

Dr. Gleason: Ah, you've seen my database entry. So will you buy it?

Researcher Tassajara: <in an annoyed tone> I just said no! Get away from me!!

Researcher Tassajara runs down the hall, away from Dr. Gleason.

<End Log>

Closing Statement: Shoot. Looks like the infohazard spread to her as well. -Dr. Gleason

DIRECTOR'S NOTE

Gleason, the creation of an SCP entry for the mere purpose of selling your personal vehicle is unacceptable. See me in my office immediately.

I just wanna sell this before the smog check comes up.

Transcript 2772-J-04

Innocent Entrepreneur: Dr. Gleason

Pretentious Penny-Pincher: Director Peter Palermo

Foreword: This is a scheduled meeting regarding SCP-2772-J.

<Begin Log>

Director Palermo: Have a seat, Gary.

Dr. Gleason: Hello, Mr. Palermo. I'll take cash or credit for my SUV. I have the papers ready.

Director Palermo: <confused> Wha… what? No, we need to talk about "2772-J". And it's Director Palermo to you.

Dr. Gleason: Oh yes, my SUV. If you want, I'm willing to cut a hundred dollars off the price.

Director Palermo: This is ridiculous! You cannot write an SCP entry just to advertise your damn car! You need to delete it, or I'm gonna get you terminated.

Dr. Gleason: Oh, I see. You're affected by the infohazard, too.

Director Palermo: <confused out of his mind> Wha… what??

Dr. Gleason: There's a infohazard going around causing people to react with hostility towards SCP-2772-J. Don't worry, I'm trying to find a cure.

Director Palermo: No, no! This isn't a infohazard, it's just that no one wants your car!!

Dr. Gleason: It's okay, Director Palermo. Your viewpoint isn't natural, you're just a victim of a infoha-

Director Palermo: <really upset> GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!

<End Log>

Closing Statement: The Director does not seem to be immune to the infohazard. I should investigate whether it affects civilians. -Dr. Gleason

DIRECTOR'S NOTE

Through my limited research, it seems that the only way to get rid of Gleason's pleas is to just buy "SCP-2772-J" from him. So, who's gonna take one for the team? It's only 1900 bucks now.