b e e s (muffled through wall): ayy where you at?

Item #: SCP-1256-J

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: Mobile Task Force Mambo-5 ("Honeymooners") is currently assigned to the tracking and recovery of SCP-1256-J instances. All exposed subjects are to be administered antimemory juice, then coated in honey, rolled in a mixture of pollen and bee ketamine,1 dressed in a flower costume and buried waist-down in an open field. This process has no relevance to containment success of SCP-1256-J, we just thought it would boost morale.2

Description: SCP-1256-J is a 420-page pamphlet entitled 'Bees - Dumb as Fuck, Much More So Than You Could Possibly Imagine'. Contents reveal a passionate manifesto on how bees suck at pretty much every facet of their existence, as well as with all the relationship/occupational roles one can have as a human. It appears intended to be informational in nature; however, most of it is nonsensical. The cover of the pamphlet claims it is written by a P. Honeyname, however, no records of such name exis—ohh, I get it. Never mind.

When SCP-1256-J is read cover-to-cover, readers (Now designated SCP-1256-J-1) will perceive all members of the superfamily Apoidea as sapient and highly annoying/needy. Contrary to its title, SCP-1256's effect applies to all members of Apoidea including wasps, and also a few unrelated insects like ladybugs and cicadas, although the reason for this is not known. SCP-1256-J-1 instances insist insects invasively invade insides, insufficient investigations in intelligence institution into innards, instead interrupting insanity; inserted interesting interim illiter—alliteration. Damn it. Sigh.

Addenda:

Document 1256-J-Bee:

Excerpts from SCP-1256-J:

Bees - Dumb as Fuck, Much More So Than You Could Possibly Imagine

I bet you think bees are just bees. Don't you? Well?? Ha!—I knew it.

Guess what? You're wrong. Bees are not even bees, not at all are they bees. Zero bees are bees, and not by a longshot.

You poor, ignorant fool.

How I wish I could push it all out of my mind—the constant buzzing,3 their incessant wittle wingflaps, their fuzzy buzzybutts. I yearn for death—A quiet, beeless death.

COPING WITH THE EXISTENCE OF BEES

With bees, one must bee cautious: Never let your guard down around a bee or talk to that goddamn scoundrel ever again, or the other one—the round one—or you'll regret it; they end up lodged in places they normally can't and shouldn't fit.4 Either way, it's not very fun when you have to explain to your urologist why and how bees keep ending up in the same spots.5

With bees, this you can bee sure: They dumb as bricks. They fly around and run into shit, they haven't had a decent job and barely pay taxes. They have shit taste in movies6 and have you seen bee art? It's literally just flowers. Disgusting. We get it, you're really into "pollinating". Gross.

Embrace bees as a subordinate, inferior species: Bees are nature's cruel joke to bees. They don't have rights and barely have the capacity to do anything else other than work for practically nothing, harass others, and then die.7 They have like 2 HP and when they use their one attack, they die from it. Worst design ever.

IS BEE PROOF THERE IS NO GOD??

If bees bee botherin' thee: Bees can be annoying sometime, in your face, bzzzz bzzzz! Have you tried to push bee (for peace)?8

Do not expose bees to political extremism: Bees lack the nuanced geopolitical understanding of the current and historical political climate necessary to participate in government or pundit-style content-creation. You may find it difficult to get a bee candidate elected in any form of government as they have no proof of citizenship, zero experience (professional, personal or otherwise, I think they live for like four to eight weeks), plus they're impressionable and already kinda narrow-minded as it is, so I'd just steer away from politics in general.

FOLLOW OUR STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO HAVE AS LITTLE INTERACTION WITH THE BEES AS POSSIBLE.

1. bee approaches you

2. pepspray/taser bee

3. repeat this way until bee gone

✔️ bee avoided

Accurate and Real™ Beenatomy from a professor in Beeology

Document 1256-J-Bee-Bee:

Document (audio transcript) held as evidence in The Case of ███████ █████ v. APPROX. 2,000,000,000,000 bees, some cicadas and ladybugs, aka the Great Trial of Bees, an unprecedented legal exchange for which the Bees had apparently been well prepared. Document later confiscated by Foundation operatives.

[BEEGIN LOG]

█████ (quietly): I have successfully avoided the bees, but their bee thoughts, the thoughts grow louder—they're close.

b e e s (muffled through wall): ayy where you at, been thinkin bout your nostrils. I can hear you breathin' through 'em now, we know u home.

█████ (quietly): god damn, they're so fricking lame. (shouting) STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!

the bees (louder, in unison): LET US IN. WE WANT TO GO UP UR BUTT N' STUFF, IT'S CHILLY OUT HERE

█████: nuh-uh, I'm getting the corks again.

bees: [breaks down front door]—BUZZ BUZZ MOTHERFUCKER!

█████: [shrieks]

[big thud]9

█████: oh. They mistook my reflection for me and ran straight into the mirror. They're all dead. Morons. Whew—Okay. Good. Glad I didn't have to use the corks—

cicadas (all directions, deafeningly loud): Y'ALL GOT ROOM FOR A FEW MORE???

█████: —Fuck.

[END LOG]

Footnotes

1. It's just regular ketamine but very finely ground.

2. hehehue, they're all amne-sticky! Lookin' like a forget-me-not if you know what I mean! Nice. Morale boost is a success[n=1].

3. Stress-induced tinnitus, unrelated to bee sounds.

4. Not sexual, they just like being close to you and warm, but they're not emotionally available either so it leaves something to bee desired regardless.

5. "I don't know! It's like they just enjoy hanging out in my ureth—bzzzzz…—wait, what's that sound?—who left that window open????—oh no—NOT AGAIN!—AGHHHH!!!"

6. "You like Jazzzz?"—my God, as if I didn't hate Jerry Seinfeld enough already. I think Bee Movie is like their Citizen Kane or something.

7. Humans are better than that, right? ….Right?

8. Just nudge, then two nudge. If bee need three nudge, then it's probably yellow rock or perhaps a baby person? Sometimes it IS baby.[citation needed]

9. Was actually a bunch of small thuds at once.