Item#: 6205

Containment Class: esoteric

Secondary Class: archon

Disruption Class: vlam

Risk Class: warning

O5-Command discussing various tax shelter advice with SCP-6205.

SPECIAL CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES:

SCP-6205 is adequately contained by the use of generally accepted accounting practices within Foundation financial interests. A set of standard operating procedures can be found under Article III, Section 6, Paragraphs 4 through 22, in the Foundation Employee Handbook. A waiver confirming familiarity with these procedures is required for all Foundation employees who are issued a business credit card, have access to a line of credit, or who receive per-diem allowances.

Per 'Foundation Business Directive 2019-6205-1', any documents produced by SCP-6205 are to be reported to management and then scheduled for implemented as directed by the object. Late fees assessed by the object for a failure to comply can be deducted from the responsible employee's compensation. If financial penalties become unduly burdensome, please schedule a meeting with the 'Accounts Receivable - Internal' team.

At no time should any Foundation employee knowingly engage in a financial crime of any magnitude while in the course of their duties. Actions taken while outside of staff duties are considered unregulated, however employees are required to make the proper financial disclosures for matters such as gambling.

OBJECT DESCRIPTION:

SCP-6205 refers to a pataphysical regulatory entity which has attached itself to the Foundation's financial practices and those associated with said practices. While SCP-6205 demonstrates a level of awareness typically associated with pataphysical entities, this awareness appears to be limited to the domain of finances and accounting, and direct inferences based on this awareness. SCP-6205 is capable of utilizing additional knowledge as granted by access to Foundation internal systems such as employee records, vendor records, and internal and external financial connections.

Typical manifestations of SCP-6205 include the issuance of internal directives guiding accounting practices, and are predominantly produced via physical document or delivered via phone call. The letterhead on these memos names one of several fictitious departments, such as "Department of Financial Curiosity", "Office of the Benevolent Comptroller", and many more. For a full list of known aliases, see additional file supplements. These memos are signed inconsistently with generic nomenclature and have, to date, made no attempt to impersonate any current or former members of Foundation leadership either in name or authority.

Note: As of 2017-01-28, the date of SCP-6205's complete integration into Foundation accounting systems, the object has begun signing its communications as "SCP-6205". This is regarded as an affirmation of containment and any deviations from this signatory should be immediately reported as Priority-1.

Behaviors exhibited by SCP-6205 are indistinguishable from non-anomalous accounting except in instances of financial crime, whether those crimes are perpetrated either on behalf of or against the Foundation and its interests.

ADDENDUM 01: ALLOWANCES

In the morning hours of 2015-08-20, a Level-2 data analyst was fatally wounded in the parking structure of Site-19. The analyst was shot in the torso three times with 9mm ammunition, consistent with that issued by the Foundation. A ballistic match as well as various forensic evidence collected at the scene was able to connect the homicide with Foundation intelligence analyst Andre Teska, who was arrested by Site-19 security and questioned.

Agent Teska was able to produce a series of recorded phone-calls which elaborated on their justification for the homicide. The matter was forwarded to Internal Affairs for consideration, and relevant records have been appended to this document as a reflection of the object's history.

[INCOMING CALL 2015-08-08 19:13:17]

Audio recording begins with significant static and the sounds of jostling. The origin point of the call is unknown; phone records were unrecoverable and the audio was captured by an external recording device.

Teska: Okay, yeah, thanks for waiting. This call is being recorded now.

SCP-6205: That's okay, sir. I am recording too. For my records.

Teska: Can you go ahead and repeat that please? The thing you said before.

SCP-6205: Certainly…

Teska: …Well?

SCP-6205: Agent Teska, it's come to our attention that you're claiming deductions for the costs associated with your personal firearm. And while that's perfectly fine, you have to be able to prove that the handgun is an ordinary and necessary expense for your line of work.

Teska: So your call here is to tell me that you do not think a handgun is an ordinary or necessary expense in this line of work?

SCP-6205: As an intelligence analyst, sir? You're a desk jockey. You can't j—

Teska: I told you, I'm training for the field exam.

SCP-6205: And that's great sir. We're really happy for you, truly. But that's not your job. Not now.

Teska: So what do you want from me?

SCP-6205: Well you have two choices, sir.

Teska: And those are?

SCP-6205: You can either submit paperwork to pay back those deductions…

Teska: …Okay, I'll bite. What is the 'Or'?

SCP-6205: Or promote yourself by fiat.

Teska: I don't follow.

SCP-6205: Promote yourself, sir. Do something that's unquestioningly field work in order to justify the expense. Create an emergent need.

Teska: I'll think about it. Give me your supervisors name. I am going to follow up on this.

SCP-6205: I am going to give you seven days to comply, sir.

Teska: That's not how this—

Call terminates.

[INCOMING CALL 2015-08-15 21:43:50]

Teska: Hello?

SCP-6205: Good evening, sir. How are we today?

Teska: Shit, I recognize your voice. You actually called back?

SCP-6205: Of course, sir. I take business expenses very seriously. I said seven days and, well, here we are. (Soft chuckling)

Teska: (Laughter repeated in mocking tone) Yeah sure enough, here we are. What did you want me to do again? Promote myself?

SCP-6205: That's right, sir. We have to justify that business expense. Are you ready to do what is necessary?

Teska: My field exam is in something like 57 days. That will be my opportunity to 'justify' this expense.

SCP-6205: I love that you have a plan, but unfortunately, that time frame is really going to be a problem. We're already noticed the error, so it needs to be fixed on this month's books in order for me to avoid reporting it.

Teska: …Reporting it? Are you fucking threatening me?

SCP-6205: No sir, this is just basic accounting. If we don't resolve this misappropriation then it'll appear on next month's sheets as an outstanding item. You wouldn't want that, would you? To make extra work for your friends up in Payroll?

Teska: Yeah wouldn't want to inconvenience you good folks up there.

SCP-6205: That felt a little sarcastic, sir.

Teska: It was.

SCP-6205: Well I can fix this myself if you'd prefer.

Teska: How do you mean?

SCP-6205: I can justify the expense for you if you'll let me. I'll do 99% of the work for you. Does that sound good?

Teska: Really weird to not lead with that when you called me before.

SCP-6205: That's okay, sir. This will all work out.

Teska: I'm hanging up now.

SCP-6205: See you soon.

Call terminates.

[INCOMING CALL 2015-08-19 18:45:07]

SCP-6205: Good evening, sir.

Teska: Why the fuck is someone bound and gagged in my trunk?

SCP-6205: Excellent timing, Mister Teska. His name is unimportant to you but this is one of your co-workers. He's been embezzling money for the better part of six months but he's going to help make up for it by justifying the maintenance, training, and using of your sidearm.

Teska: And how can he do that?

SCP-6205: Shoot him. In the head, of course; Don't be cruel.

Teska: …What?

SCP-6205: …My diction is excellent, I know you heard me, sir. Shoot him.

Teska: I-…h-how could—…

SCP-6205: Take him out of the boot, throw him to the ground, and shoot him. The restraints I used will not leave any ligature marks, so you can remove them afterwards and dispose of them before you call this in. Perfectly explainable as self-defense.

Teska: You can't-…I…You want me to fucking kill this guy in cold blood?

SCP-6205: No, sir. This is a justifiable homicide.

Teska: H-How? What did he do?

SCP-6205: He embezzled, sir.

Teska: How much?

SCP-6205: Does it really matter?

Teska: How much?

SCP-6205: Approximately $13,000 USD over sixth months. In order to pay for a surgical procedure for his dog.

Teska: You want me to take a human life over 13 grand? And then kill the dog too by denying it surgery?

SCP-6205: Don't worry. The dog has already had the surgery and made a full recovery. That's why it's too late for this analyst. There's no going back. It was last fiscal year.

Teska: And that deserves murder?

SCP-6205: Oh, so now we're drawing ethical lines? You'll improperly deduct expenses but you won't do this? It's not murder, it's criminal justice.

Teska: Apples to fucking oranges, cunt.

SCP-6205: Agree to disagree. This is your only choice if you want to avoid having the same thing happen to you the next time I need the books to balance. And sir? That was a threat. If you get blood on you during the course of this exercise, you can definitely go get dry cleaning. We can write that off too. I'm going to need you to save your receipts, though.

Call terminates.

ADDENDUM 02: REPORTS OF FRAUD

The following call record began on 2016-05-11. As the first event was regarded as non-anomalous and the record was discarded before the investigation was opened, it has been reconstructed per the testimony of Containment Specialist Dr. Eates. Any persons with additional details or records pertaining to these events are encouraged to contact their section leadership as soon as they may safely so do.

The following record is from an inter-site phone call. The destination number is the desk of Containment Specialist Dr. Eates; the originating number is assigned to a phone in the human resources office of Site-17.

Eates: This is Doctor Eates, go ahead.

SCP-6205: Good morning, sir.

Eates: …Yes, hi there. What is this call about?

SCP-6205: I'm calling from the fraud department.

Eates: How did you get this number? I didn't even know we had a—

SCP-6205: It's an internal call, sir, I just looked you up in the directory. I was reviewing recent purchase orders and we were curious if you had used your Foundation issued credit card in order to buy two high-performance racing bikes in Tallahassee, Florida?

Eates: N-no. What? That's ridiculous. That was definitely not me. I'm nowhere near Tallahassee. I haven't even been to Florida in like…at least four years.

SCP-6205: I didn't think so, sir. Thank you for confirming. We'll deal with this right away.

Eates: You too…Say, what was your name again?

SCP-6205: Have a nice day, sir.

Phone call terminates.

The following phone record was initiated by Dr. Eates from his desk at Site-19, using the 'call back' feature. The destination address routed to the Site-11 Director's Office.

SCP-6205: Thank you for calling the fraud department. How can I be of assistance today, Doctor Eates?

Eates: W-…hello. Um, I received a call from you guys a few days ago about my card being used to buy some bikes.

SCP-6205: Yes, I recall that conversation. Is everything okay, sir? More charges you've noticed?

Eates: No, nothing like that. I'm just wondering what a high-performance racing bike is doing in my office? I said I didn't buy this and I wasn't kidding.

SCP-6205: I know, sir. I told you we'd take care of it. We were able to write the theft off as a loss.

Eates: Okay but that doesn't explain why I have a bike in my office…

SCP-6205: I understand, sir.

Eates: So are you going to tell me why or…?

SCP-6205: We already wrote the bikes off as a loss via theft, but we were still able to recover the items. Unfortunately one of the bikes was destroyed in recovery, and the one in your office is now formally a 'refurb', after suffering damage, so it's technically a totally new item which we already bought.

Eates: What kind of damage?

SCP-6205: Turns out that some bones are stronger than an aluminum bike frame, sir.

Eates: W-what?

SCP-6205: Have a good day, sir. Enjoy your bike I recommend using it to commute to work.

Call terminates.

The following recorded phone call takes place approximately four weeks after the previous. The destination number is the desk of Containment Specialist Dr. Eates, the originating number is assigned to a phone in the Overwatch Command Control Room at Site-01.

Eates: H-hello? This is Doctor Eates.

SCP-6205: Hi sir. This is the fraud department.

Eates: Do you mind explaining how you got an Overwatch number?

SCP-6205: We didn't, sir. It's just a quirk of the routing.

Eates: Uh, I'm not sure what to say to that. What do you want?

SCP-6205: …Just checking how lunch was in Prague yesterday, sir.

Eates: What? I haven't been out of the country in like two years.

SCP-6205: I know, sir. I was just trying to bring some levity to a very serious financial crime.

Eates: I can tell, I can basically hear your smile on the other end.

SCP-6205: Thank you, Doctor Eates. I'll just go ahead and take care of those responsible.

Eates: I don't suppose lunch is going to show up in a couple day or something, huh?

SCP-6205: No sir. I don't think you'll be wanting to eat this.

Eates: Why is that?

Call terminates.

The following recorded phone call takes place approximately two weeks after the previous. The destination number is the desk of Containment Specialist Dr. Eates, the originating number is assigned to an unlisted phone at Site-5.

Eates: How the fuck are you getting these numbers?

SCP-6205: Whoa, hello to you too, sir. (Soft laughter)

Eates: What do you want?

SCP-6205: Doctor Eates, I am calling from the fraud department and I just wanted to ask you if your wife and children all wear men's XXL sweaters?

Eates: …What did you just say?

SCP-6205: Your family, sir. Do they all wear the same sized sweaters? Because I am looking at a purchase order for twelve, XXL Christmas sweaters that are, I must say, exceedingly repulsive. Just wondering if that was you or not? The purchaser filled in your shipping address but they could just have made a mistake, or they might be watching the address for the boxes to swipe them later.

Eates: How does this keep happening?

SCP-6205: It's difficult to say sir, we're deciding whether or not to put a forensic accountant on this but the cost analysis hasn't come back yet. So was that a 'no' then to the sweaters?

Eates: Why do you know about my family?

SCP-6205: It's right here, sir. In your employee file. You file your taxes as married and claim two child dependents. Both your children and your spouse are also named beneficiaries on your policies, are all on your emergency contacts list, et cetera. I could go on but I think I've established my more than thorough good faith reason for having access to this information.

Eates: …Y-yeah. I'd say you have. It's just. This is weird, you know that right? That this keeps happening to me? I'm not that cavalier with this card but it seems to keep getting stolen.

SCP-6205: I agree, Doctor Eates. And I must say that it's especially heinous that your family has been involved. They are truly lovely and don't deserve to be put in the cross-hairs of criminal activity like this. I just need you to say that it wasn't you. So I can take care of the problem.

Eates: Why? What are you going to do?

SCP-6205: Come on, sir. Just say it. Let's make this easy.

Eates: N-no. I-it was me. I ordered the sweaters.

SCP-6205: Oh. That's interesting to hear.

Eates: Y-yeah. We're having a 'Christmas in July' party. Oversized and ugly, you know how it is. (Nervous laughter.)

SCP-6205: I can't say I do sir. That's just very strange to hear. Are you sure this wasn't you? The IP address on the order came from Guatemala, and the feed on the webcam confirmed via MAC address at that destination sure doesn't look much like you. You wouldn't be lying to me, would you sir?

Eates: N-..No. I can't imagine any reason I'd have to gain from lying to you.

SCP-6205: Neither can I, sir. Are you sure? Am I really going to have to make some kind of a bigger deal out of this? Why are you protecting these guys? Won't these sweaters make your family itchy?

Eates: (Sighs) I just…I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone. So if you could just cancel the purchase, reverse the charges or whatever, and reissue me a new card that would be great. Nothing weird, I don't want any new sweaters or anything, I just want my card canceled, then reissued, and then for this to go away. Clear?

SCP-6205: So you did not order the sweaters?

Eates: No, I did not order the sweaters.

SCP-6205: Good. I didn't think so.

(Three distinct gunshots briefly deafen the line)

Eates: What the fuck was that?

SCP-6205: You have a good say, sir. Your family is safe.

Call terminates.

ADDENDUM 03: BUDGETARY CONSTRAINTS

The following O5 Council meeting segment was approved for declassification and appended to this document. It was taken from a joint session with numerous department heads invited to offer evidence concerning the interference of SCP-6205 in daily operations. Review of collected evidence, recommendation for containment, and other exploitative risks were discussed in other redacted portions of the meeting. The full minutes are available to personnel with Level-4 clearance or greater.

Payroll Dir.: Alright, so turning to page 14 you can see that there are a number of red-line items. Page 15 contains a significant number more. And page 16, 17, and so on. All the way to page 28 where we run out of departments on this report.

O5-4: Okay I'll ask the obvious question, what are these red-line items?

Payroll Dir.: Those are clear misappropriations which were both incorrectly entered and not caught by human review. Mistakes. Mistakes which SCP-6205 caught and reported in a timely manner. And did so without any HR issues like throwing colleagues under the bus in a meeting. Frankly it's been really helpful in justifying additional training as well as requests for additional positions for a number of departments.

O5-7: How are they coming into this knowledge? At no part of this presentation has that actually been made clear to me.

Accounts Payable: If I may, ma'am? We simply don't know, but their work is easily validated. The things they are red-lining all get checked by multiple people and they are right.

O5-11: Is everything they do reactive like this? As in, just error checking?

Payroll Dir.: No, sir. A few months ago they began issuing memorandum every month or so reminding staff of various SOP's. Some of which are GAAP1 and some of which are Foundation internal procedures. If they actually worked for me, I'd be making them a section head this next promotion cycle.

O5-1: Well why don't we have them do that? Can we extend a job offer?

HR Dir.: I don't know that we're going to be able to assemble a benefits package they will find…attractive.

O5-1: Something in particular make you say that?

Head of HR responds with an extended shrug.

O5-10: I guess we're done here then. Should we order some lunch?

Payroll Dir.: A-actually, ma'am. I would recommend against that.

O5-1: Why is that?

Payroll Dir.: Well in light of who we were just talking about…if you were going to expense that lunch, we really should have ordered it during the meeting.

O5-1: …Fair enough.

Meeting concludes.

Footnotes

1. Generally Accepting Accounting Principles