Screenshot of SCP-7835-D-48, “In Mysterious Ways!"

Item: SCP-7835

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-7835 is to be kept on a pedestal in the middle of a standard humanoid containment cell. This way, SCP-7835 is fixed in the three-dimensional midpoint of the room, reducing the potential for accidental overwrite events. If transportation of the item is necessary due to external factors, all personnel are to maintain a minimum two-meter distance from SCP-7835 and its courier.

Requests for experimentation may be forwarded to Site Director Naismith. When interacting with SCP-7835, personnel are to deposit any electronic devices, paper, currency, and any written or recorded media at the door unless they are relevant to the experiment.

Affected instances of SCP-7835-A, -B, -C, and -D are non-anomalous and may be viewed in Site-59's media wing.

Description: SCP-7835 is a small golden figurine of a chicken. The object is seven centimeters in length, height, and width. The phrase "NUM TANTI ERAT?"1 has been engraved on the base. Chemical dating has traced its construction to the spring of 1564 CE.

SCP-7835 was discovered in a catacomb under the Saint-Nicolas church in Strasbourg, France. After a brief holding period at the British Museum, the object's anomalous effect began to interfere with recorded media at the site. Museum officials remanded it to the Foundation after two weeks of incidents.

Any recorded media placed within a two-meter radius for at least two seconds will be overwritten in a variety of ways. The only media that will not be altered is that which has already been altered. Additionally, all media is affected uniquely, even if two identical items are exposed.

Affected artwork, including currency, is known as SCP-7835-A. Once exposed, the surfaces will change into artwork of 16th-century theologian John Calvin engaging in various humiliating or morally compromising acts. Collected instances have included (but are not limited to) bestiality, cannibalism, blasphemy, substance abuse, littering, and losing dramatically at various sports and board games.

Affected text is designated SCP-7835-B. Once exposed, the text will change to a subject that portrays John Calvin in an extremely negative light.

The longest known instance of SCP-7835-B is SCP-7835-B-27, which was originally a copy of Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. It has since been converted to a novel titled John Calvin: the Man Who Fucked a Trillion Pigs.

The shortest known instance is SCP-7835-B-10, which was originally Dr. Pontmercy's credit card. The name on the card has since changed to "EAT SHIT JC".

Audio recordings are designated SCP-7835-C. These display the least deviation between individual instances; all are audio recordings of the same depressed male voice claiming full responsibility for various historical disasters. This includes (but is not limited to) the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, the Great Chicago Fire, the R101 airship crash, Hurricane Katrina, the Sack of Constantinople, the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius in 79 CE, and the Cretaceous-Tertiary extinction. In most instances, the voice identifies itself as John Calvin.

The shortest known instance is SCP-7835-C-15, which was originally a three-second .wav file of a duck vocalizing. It has since changed to the voice quickly screaming "Did I mention I was a Nazi? Well, I was!"

Affected video recordings are designated SCP-7835-D. When exposed, the footage will become an episode of a children's cartoon series called Let's Get Presby-tastic!

Addendum: SCP-7835-D

Of all affected media, SCP-7835-D follows the most uniform structure. The length of the video will be either shortened or lengthened to fit a 22-minute episode. The host and narrator character is Johnny, a character that resembles the head of John Calvin grafted onto a giant, headless chicken.

The bulk of the show consists of early cartoons from Warner Bros., MGM, and Disney, usually taken from the Silly Symphonies and Looney Tunes catalogs. Using the plot of the cartoons as a frame of reference for the topic of the day, Johnny addresses viewers directly about Calvinist theology. The character does this in state of suppressed but extreme agitation, frequently checking on and cowering from something offscreen.

Notable monologues from SCP-7835-D:

SCP-7835-D-14

(Episode title: "Pope? More like NOPE!")

Johnny: Wow! That Mickey Mouse is such a rascal, ha-ha! I sure do love that little guy. He's… yeah.

(He hyperventilates for five seconds.)

Johnny: …we might as well get to what this "means" for you young reformers out there. Okay. So… all ya gotta do is picture Pete — I mean, I'm talkin' about the big cat thing with the peg leg. I know they didn't explicitly call him Pete but that's totally his name. I don't know why I called him a cat, maybe he's like a bulldog or something? Who knows? Who cares? Here I am, talkin' outta my patootie again when I should be talkin' about Calvinism! But it's okay! It's okay! Right?!

(He grinds his teeth.)

Johnny: All you really gotta do is imagine that Pete is Vatican oppression, and Mickey's the Protestant Reformation! Wow, I just totally assumed you know what "Vatican oppression" means, didn't I? Gosh darn it! You're, like, FIVE! You barely know what "cat" means! …no offense. I really hope someone gets on me about these nasty little mistakes later. Gotta keep me in line. Or this'll keep happening! Won't it?!

(His lip trembles.)

Johnny: …who wants to watch Tom & Jerry?!

SCP-7835-D-49

(Episode title: "Tiptoe through the T.U.L.I.P.!")

Johnny: …so as you can see, no matter hooooow hard he tries, Wile E. Coyote is never-ever-ever gonna catch that pesky Roadrunner. Is this because the Roadrunner is clever? No! Not even in the slightest! The Roadrunner is stupid and bad and horrible and wrong and sinful, tee-hee! But someone upstairs has it out for Mr. Coyote. That's right! God wants Wile E. Coyote to fail at eating this bird forever. And is that wrong? Is that wrong of God?! Huh?!

(He slowly shakes his head.)

Johnny: Sad but true. For reasons that no mortal can understand, God created this fluffy little apex predator for the purpose of failing. Is that a cruel thing God did? Well, here's another question: was God cruel to His son on the cross?! Was he?!

(He shakes his head more vigorously.)

Johnny: No, because God is good! He doesn't have people thoughts, He has GOD THOUGHTS! If we humans made a little sentient coyote out of meat for the sole purpose of constant underperformance for our amusement, that would be bad — because we're using human brains that have human thoughts. If our people brains tried to understand GOD THOUGHTS, it would make even less sense than I'm making right now I'm sorry I'm so so sorry!

(He sheds several tears.)

Johnny: Here's the thing, kids… if you did everything right… if you lived your whole life according to what the Gospel dictates… if God hasn't extended His grace to you, it's still entirely possible and morally justified… for you…

(Seven seconds of silence.)

Johnny: …to join me!

SCP-7835-D-57

(Episode title: "Betraying your friends is bad bad bad bad bad BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD!")

(Johnny paces feverishly.)

Johnny: Yes yes great what a lovely cartoon clearly some of the cultural references didn't age well ha-ha especially not that blackface gag toward the three-minute mark oh well clearly it was a disturbing product of its time but let's not open that can of worms — ANYWAY!!

(He suddenly approaches the viewer closer than he's ever come before.)

Johnny: Before we go! I would like to say a few words. Just a few. Nothing huge, I swear.

You see, a lot was said today on the subject of… betrayal. Well, there was one betrayal story we left out. A really big one.

The guys running this show don't think we should tell it. But I think it's pretty relevant to the topic of the day.

A long time ago in Geneva, there was this guy named John Calvin. (Sounds familiar, don't it?!) He thought he was a very good man. But he was flawed. Selfish. Corrupt. And personally, I think this was one of the very rare instances where divine predestination had no involvement — he was a horrible little weasel of a man on his own, wasn't he?! Some things are so evil that God can't justify it with any of His God thoughts. That's on us!

And what was the worst thing John ever did? That's easy! His best friend was this guy named Michael Servetus. They a lot of fun together. Total BFFs! Allies in the fight for the Reformation!

Then… John had Michael killed. It was over a petty disagreement about the particulars of the Bible. John thought that was enough to tattle on Michael to the Inquisition - you know, the Reformation's villains! Remember that Vatican oppression thing I was talking about? Yeah! Johnny LOVED that oppression stuff!

The Inquisition took Michael away! They burned him! One of the worst ways anyone can die. And… Johnny was okay with this. Because Johnny didn't have God thoughts or people thoughts.

HE HAD [bleep] THOUGHTS! That's right, [bleep] thoughts from a [bleep] brain fulla nothin' but [bleep]!

And, hypothetically, if Johnny were alive today… this is what he would say.

(Johnny breaks down sobbing.)

Michael… I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. Satan has built an impenetrable castle in my heart that no redeeming cannonade may pierce.

So please… see me as the friend you once knew, one last time — AND LET ME [bleep]ING DIE ALREADY I CAN'T DO THIS [bleep]ING SHOW ANYMORE LET ME —

(Credits.)

SCP-7835-D-58

(Episode title: "Whoopsies!")

(From this episode on, Johnny is wearing a blood-soaked blindfold. Johnny screams his lines for most of this episode.)

Johnny: HOWDY, KIDS! HERE'S ANOTHER EPISODE OF CALVINIST CARTOON GOODNESS. YOU MAY NOTICE THIS THING OVER MY EYES! FUN FACT: SOMETIMES, PEOPLE DO SUCH A BAD JOB AT HOSTING CARTOONS THAT THEY DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE EYES ANYMORE!

(Ten seconds of dead silence.)

Johnny: HERE'S DAFFY DUCK.

Footnotes

1. Latin: "Was it worth it?"