Item #: SCP-4092

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-4092 is to be kept in a standard humanoid containment cell. Due to the events of Incident 4092-1, SCP-4092 is to be kept under 24-hour active surveillance.

Description: SCP-4092 is a humanoid entity approximately 1.8m tall, resembling a middle-aged white male human with the exception of a complete lack of any hair, internal organs, or genitalia. SCP-4092 is composed entirely of a substance with properties similar to rubber. Its internal morphology is entirely solid, lacking internal structure.

SCP-4092's movements are erratic and inconsistent with conventional physics. On multiple occasions, SCP-4092 has partially embedded itself into solid objects. It has demonstrated the ability to remove itself from these objects without damage to either itself or the object.

SCP-4092 appears to be sapient and is capable of speech. SCP-4092 speaks in a loud and manic tone, with a pronounced lisp. SCP-4092 has never identified itself by name, rather insisting that it is the “new stepdad” of whatever subject it is speaking to. SCP-4092 appears to target young children SCP-4092 has shown no perceivable discrimination at all regarding who it engages with, and in fact appears to be unable to distinguish between children and adults entirely.

SCP-4092 was discovered by state police on June 17, 20██ in █████, Ohio, when Rhonda W████████ called 911 to report the disappearance of her four-year-old son, Jonathan. Mrs. W████████ stated to the dispatcher that she’d just arrived home from a meeting with her son’s preschool teacher, who had overheard him telling another student that his stepdad would “let him drive today”. Mrs. W████████, who had never been divorced or widowed, immediately became suspicious, and assumed that Jonathan had been kidnapped upon not finding him home. Mrs. W████████, having never seen the alleged “stepdad” herself, was unable to give further details.

Minutes after the 911 call, a state trooper noticed what appeared to be a bald man on a toy tricycle going over 150 kilometers per hour and swerving frantically on Interstate I██. After pulling the vehicle over, the state trooper discovered Jonathan W████████ sitting in SCP-4092’s lap, holding the tricycle’s handlebars and crying that he “wanted to go home”. SCP-4092 appeared agitated, making frantic, flailing arm motions and demanding to know whether it had been “detained”. Once SCP-4092 was driven back to the █████ police station, local Foundation operatives made arrangements with the police station to take SCP-4092 into custody. Class-B amnestics were subsequently administered to all involved parties and witnesses.

Interview on 7/17/██:

The following interview took place in the interrogation room of the ██████ County Jail after the arrest of SCP-4092 at the request of Foundation Agent Jameson, then posing as an FBI agent.

Interviewed: SCP-4092

Interviewers: Foundation Agent Jameson and Ohio State Trooper J████████

Foreword: This interview was done to confirm and determine the extent of SCP-4092's anomalous properties, as well as any possible connection to any groups of interest.

<Begin Log>

Officer J████████: -lright, let's just get this over with. Who are you?

SCP-4092: I'm your new stepdad!

Officer J████████: …yeah. You got a name?

[SCP-4092 remains silent for a few seconds, then rapidly slams its face into the tabletop 14 times. SCP-4092 appears to be uninjured by this.]

Officer J████████: …I—

[SCP-4092 slams its face into the tabletop one more time.]

Agent Jameson: Let's move on to the next question.

Officer J████████: …so, according to this report, you were brought in because you were doing 90 on the interstate on a toy tricycle, while you were in possession of a missing child.

SCP-4092: Officer, I resemble the implication! Little Timmy Jim-Jims wanted to operate a motor vehicle, and if you check the lab results you will find that there is absolutely NO antifreeze in his system!

Agent Jameson: That's not—

Officer J████████: You're just making this harder on yourself, pal. Agent?

[Officer J████████ opens the door to leave the interrogation room. Agent Jameson follows.]

Officer J████████: [sighs] Look…with all due respect, Agent, I really don't think you're gonna get anything useful out of this guy. He's pretty clearly tweaking.

Agent Jameson: …I don't know if that's our problem.

Officer J████████: What are you thinking then, PCP?

Agent Jameson: I'm thinking I should try asking the questions for a bit.

Officer J████████: Be my guest.

[Agent Jameson and Officer J████████ re-enter the interrogation room. SCP-4092 continues to bash its face against the table as they enter.]

Officer J████████: Oh, for fuck's sake…

Agent Jameson: Hey. Hey, buddy?

[Agent Jameson takes a seat in the chair directly across from SCP-4092. After a moment, SCP-4092 stops beating its head against the table and looks directly at Jameson.]

Agent Jameson: We just need to ask you a few questions, alright?

[SCP-4092 remains silent.]

Agent Jameson: Alright? Are we cool yet?1

[SCP-4092 remains silent.]

Agent Jameson: …right. So…your name is Mister2…?

SCP-4092: I'm your new stepdad!

Agent Jameson: Mister Stepdad?

SCP-4092: Have you ever wondered what it's like to be a bus?

Agent Jameson: …what??

[Silence for five seconds. SCP-4092 then immediately resumes bashing its face into the table. Officer J████████ storms over to the table and grabs SCP-4092 by the collar, slapping it in the face. This causes SCP-4092's head to rapidly jitter.]

Officer J████████: …what the fuck??

Agent Jameson: I've seen enough. Officer.

[Agent Jameson opens the door and leaves the room with Officer J████████.]

Officer J████████: What are you thinking?

Agent Jameson: I'm thinking you're in over your head. We'll take it from here.

Officer J████████: Yeah…that's probably a good idea.

Incident 4092-1: On May 23, 20██, security footage of SCP-4092’s containment cell documented a previously undiscovered anomalous capability of SCP-4092. At 0322 hours, while SCP-4092 was engaging in its usual behavior of manically stumbling around its cell and slamming into walls, it appeared to phase through one of the cell’s walls completely, disappearing from the room. 48 minutes later, a janitor discovered SCP-4092 missing and immediately alerted site administration, sending the containment site into lockdown.

SCP-4092 was rediscovered at 0631 of the same day in the bedroom closet of the personal quarters of Researcher Artner, ██ miles away. Its means of arriving at that location are currently unknown. SCP-4092 was not observed on any security footage recorded from the moment of its disappearance until its rediscovery at 0631.

Video Log R203-Theta:

[0630 hrs. Researcher Artner’s bedroom appears to be empty. A faint hiss is heard in the background.]

[0631 hrs. The hiss in the background abruptly stops. Several seconds later, Researcher Artner enters his bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He opens the closet door, revealing SCP-4092 standing inside and grinning manically.]

Researcher Artner: JESUS FUCK!

SCP-4092: Some people say I’m a danger to myself and others. I say I’m a FUNger to myself and others! Hi! I’m your new stepdad!

[SCP-4092 abruptly shoves its right arm out at Researcher Artner, who proceeds to scramble backwards onto his bed, removing a pistol from inside his nightstand drawer and firing three rounds at SCP-4092. After three seconds, SCP-4092 slams face-first onto the floor. Researcher Artner returns the pistol to the drawer and reaches to grab the cell phone on top of his nightstand, but fumbles it as SCP-4092 snaps back to a standing position.]

SCP-4092: I bet your flesh-dad never lets you have pizza for breakfast! [SCP-4092’s arm stretches to approximately 4.5 meters long, reaching out Researcher Artner’s bedroom window to grab a full pizza of unknown origin, 40 cm in diameter, topped with live birds and small metallic objects.]

Researcher Artner: Go away!

SCP-4092: No!

In the aftermath of the events of Incident 4092-1, Researcher Artner requested that SCP-4092's containment protocols undergo revision. Request was granted, and revised containment protocols are currently pending.

Footnotes

1. No connection has been found between SCP-4092 and Are We Cool Yet?.

2. No connection has been found between SCP-4092 and Doctor Wondertainment.