Part of the diversity initiative is hiring outside our normal pool of applicants and instead hiring non-applicants who work for our enemies.

Item#: 8013

Containment Class: keter

Secondary Class: uncontained

Disruption Class: dark

Risk Class: notice

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-8013 is currently uncontained. Due to its pattern of appearing only in Foundation facility parking spaces and its minimal impact on operations, it has been deemed a low priority object. Research into potential containment methods is pending approval.

Description: SCP-8013 is a van of unidentified make and model, coated in a thick layer of rust and missing both side view mirrors. On the back of the van, four novelty license plates have been attached spelling out the following phrase: MARTING REAZEFR OMGREAZ EBURGER.

SCP-8013 seems to posses the ability to phase in and out of reality at will, having been witnessed by multiple Foundation personnel appearing and disappearing inside facility parking spaces with no trace. There are no reported instances of the vehicle appearing outside of Foundation property. All attempts to stop the vehicle with barricades or blunt force have resulted in SCP-8013 demanifesting.

Suspected connections to GoI-123 "Greazeburger" have yet to be proven.

Incident Report 2024/08/06: At 07:27, SCP-8013 manifested inside the Site-63 parking garage. The vehicle circled around the garage for several minutes before security personnel arrived. SCP-8013 demanifested before contact could be established.

The following morning, a file containing several videos was uploaded to a secure Foundation server by an account belonging to Site-63 Custodian Monty Benson, who had not arrived for work that day. The videos depict a Dunwich-class Nexus tentatively labeled as SCP-8013-A.

[BEGIN LOG]

Benson is seen sitting on a pile of unidentified bottles in the back of a moving vehicle, presumably SCP-8013. He shifts the camera to face the front of the vehicle, where Martin Greaze1 is visible in the driver's seat. Through the front windows, it appears the vehicle is driving through a black void with faint lights in the distance.

Benson: Uh… Hi. I've been kidnapped by this guy. Hit me with a car and I woke up in here about half an hour ago. They haven't responded to anything I've said so far, so I figured I'd start a recording in case this turns out to be useful for research.

He looks over at Martin Greaze again. There is no response.

[14 minutes omitted for brevity]

SCP-8013 violently swerves left, causing the bottles and Benson to fall to the right side of the van.

Martin Greaze: Sorry about that, almost hit a pattern screamer. Darn things should be more careful crossing the nighway.

Benson: You can talk! Why didn't you say anything before?

Martin Greaze: First you were screaming about being taken hostage, which was pretty rude, and then you were talking to your camera and I didn't want to interrupt.

Benson: Who are you? Why am I here?

Martin Greaze: Well Mister Benson…

[27 minutes omitted for brevity]

Martin Greaze: Does this answer your question?

A bright light flashes outside SCP-8013, and the vehicle comes to a stop in an underground parking lot.

Benson: What question? You just went silent for half an hour again.

Martin Greaze kicks open the door and exits SCP-8013. Benson follows.

Martin Greaze: We're in the basement parking lot of the main Greazeburger office. I've got to get to work, someone else will give you the orientation.

Martin Greaze walks out of view of the camera. The camera is angled to the floor as Benson presumably gives chase.

Benson: Wait! You can't just leave me here!

Benson holds up the camera to show a closed elevator. The sign on the door indicates it is traveling up to floor 999.

Benson: Well… Shit.

The camera pans around the room, showing a vast expanse of parked cars.

Benson: I guess I'll find my own way.

Benson walks to a flight of stairs and begins climbing.

[18 minutes omitted for brevity]

Benson enters a large open room with floor to ceiling windows. Outside, a bright and sunny field is visible.

As Benson approaches the large double doors, classical piano music is audible from outside.

Benson places a hand on the door and pushes. It does not move.

Unidentified: Door's locked during work hours.

Benson turns around. An unidentified humanoid is seated behind a large desk beneath a screen displaying a series of product testimonials.2

Benson: Who are you? Why am I here? What is this place?

Evelyn Greaze: My name is Evelyn Greaze, I'm the head of HR here at the Greazeburger Earth Central Office. You're here because you're our new hire, Monty. As part of the Greazeburger Earth new diverse and inclusive hiring practices.

Benson: I never applied for anything -

Evelyn Greaze: Part of the diversity initiative is hiring outside our normal pool of applicants and instead hiring non-applicants who work for our enemies. You've been chosen to join our company and raise our profit margins through the roof! Or die trying.

Benson: Okay, so if I just do whatever this job is you don't hurt me or anything?

Evelyn Greaze: We at Greazeburger Earth would never hurt one our own employees. That's for Dark Lord Divitiae to handle.

Benson: Who?

Evelyn Greaze: Don't worry about it. Want to watch the orientation video? Let's do that now.

[END LOG]

The recording provided by Benson depicted a very cropped version of the following video file, which was included in the same file. A transcript of the video has also been included.

Show Additional Transcript

Hide Additional Transcript

Hello new Greazeburger employee, and welcome to the Greazeburger family.3

Here at Greazeburger incorporated, we strive to bring our customers new and exiting products, even when they don't ask us to. Our forward thinking mindsets and agile business models are fully directed to imagining the next big thing in the field of Greaze.

That innovation starts with you. Today, you may be the new hire with no training or relevant experience, but tomorrow your fresh perspectives and new ideas could raise our stocks tenfold!

The success of this company falls on your shoulders now. Please help us.

[BEGIN LOG]

Benson: That didn't explain anything.

Evelyn Greaze: You'll need a copy of your orientation package, there's a lot of on-boarding we need to get through.

Evelyn Greaze hands Benson a manila folder.

Benson: This is empty.

Evelyn Greaze: Greazeburger Earth is environmentally conscious, as such we don't waste paper when we can instead tell you things.

Benson: That's… good?

Evelyn Greaze: Yes. We are a good company. Give us money.

Benson: I thought I worked for you now.

Evelyn Greaze: Sorry, force of habit. How about we start your first day of work?

Benson: I guess there's no backing out of this.

Evelyn Greaze leads Benson up another flight of stairs. They enter an office space with several unoccupied cubicles. Red stains are visible on the otherwise beige carpet. The only observable life is a potted plant by a window.

Evelyn Greaze: Here's the office floor, you'll be working here with the other diversity hires. Your main job will be -

Benson: There's more Foundation staff here?

Evelyn Greaze: No, why would we need more than one of each background we're trying to represent?

Benson: What other backgrounds are here?

Muffled screaming is audible from a closed door on the other end of the office.

Evelyn Greaze: Ignore that, we've still got a a lot on the schedule before you meet the rest of the- where are you going? Stop that.

Benson crosses the office and opens the door. The room is a small broom closet with bottles of cleaning products on a shelf. Additionally an individual identified as Enya Richmond4 is tied to a plastic lawn chair in the closet.

Benson: Oh shit, who're you?

Richmond: The lady who's going to sue your pants off, that's who.

Benson: I don't even work here.

Evelyn Greaze: Good news, you both do! No need for any lawsuits, we're all part of the Greazeburger family here.

Benson unties the ropes holding Richmond.

Richmond: Greazeburger? I'll have you know, my actual employers are very powerful people who don't take kindly to this sort of nonsense!

Evelyn Greaze: Oh yes, we know. But they won't be after us anytime soon. MCD's legal team had sent us a few cease and desist notices recently so we had our illegal team bust a few knees. That ought to put them off any retribution until next quarter, at least.

Benson: I may not be one of the science guys, but I've heard of MCD a few times at the Foundation. You're with those rich freaks that sell the anomalies?

Richmond: Freaks isn't the word I'd use, but that is certainly…. one way of putting it.

Evelyn Greaze: Well, now that you two are friends we can get back to business. You've both been hired for a very important task, which is -

Benson: Friends? She hasn't even told me her name yet.

Richmond: I've never considered myself a friend to a man in coveralls before, and I don't plan to start now.

Evelyn Greaze: Oh dear, so much hostility. Where's Martin when I need it?

The floor to ceiling window shatters as SCP-8013 drives into the office space. It is unclear how SCP-8013 accessed a fourth story window, as it had not shown any capability of flight in prior interactions.

As the front end of the vehicle catches fire, Martin Greaze and an unidentified individual exit SCP-8013.

Unidentified: Oh god oh god oh god, where am I? Who are you people?

Martin Greaze: Hey new hires, got the one from the GOC here.5

Unidentified: The Global Occult Coalition? Ha, what's that? Probably Fake.

Evelyn Greaze: Welcome to the team, Mister McDowell. The Greaze team.

McDowell: How do you know my name?

Benson: It's magic, just roll with it.

Richmond: The proper term is anomalous.

McDowell: Shit! They never trained me for this! I'm supposed to be balancing budgets, not getting involved with the KTEs!

Benson: Hey man, I'm just a janitor. I don't think these grease guys care.

Martin Greaze: It's pronounced Greaze. Remember our slogan, you can't spell Greaze without E-Z.

Richmond: Once I'm through with you, it'll be pronounced a subsidiary of Marshal Carter and Dark Ltd.

Evelyn Greaze: Alright everyone, things are starting to get a bit heated. Remember, if you have a complaint about a coworker you should contact HR instead of escalating the situation. My office is always open except for right now because I'm doing this instead. Martin, can you bring out the fourth new hire?

Martin Greaze: Right, forgot to introduce Chuck.

Martin Greaze enters the back of SCP-8013 and drags out a human corpse. White foam is visible around the mouth.

Martin Greaze: Meet the most important member of the team, this guy's a highly trained combat vet from the Chaos Insurgency. It was pretty difficult to get him to come in with us, but once we got him in the van he said something about not being tortured and fell asleep in seconds.

McDowell: I had to ride in the van with a dead guy for over an hour.

Evelyn Greaze: He's just resting. Now that you're all here, let's get this ball rolling. Use your new angles of thinking and diverse backgrounds to think of a billion dollar idea and save this company!

Richmond: Diverse backgrounds?

McDowell: How are we supposed to have ideas worth so much?

Benson: I still don't know what this company does or sells!

Evelyn Greaze: What's the problem? You're bringing so many fresh perspectives to the table, we're taking new bold directions! Why aren't we making enough money to appease Dark Lord Divitiae?

McDowell: Who the hell is that?

Evelyn Greaze: He owns the building we work in.

Benson: Maybe you could try appeasing him some other way?

Evelyn Greaze: Dark Lord Divitiae can only be sated by all the gold in the world. We just need a bit more.

The engine of SCP-8013 explodes, launching its burning remains around the office. Black smoke blocks out the camera.

Divitiae: WHERE'S MY MONEY, GREAZE?

Sound indicates the structure of SCP-8013-A may have been extremely damaged. Glass shatters. The building tremors and pitches.

Evelyn Greaze: He's entered a rage state! Run, new hires! Save your-

Evelyn Greaze is cut off by a loud burst of flames, briefly illuminating the silhouette of a large winged quadrupedal entity outside SCP-8013-A.

Benson runs from the room. The flames and smoke part as a green scaled hand grasps at the floor in front of him. The hand picks up a burning desk and throws it across the room. Benson screams and runs the other way.

[END LOG]

[BEGIN LOG]

Benson, Richmond, and McDowell are walking through a windowless hallway. All three of them are coated in soot. McDowell appears to have been crying.

Benson: Any sign of the grease guys?

Richmond: No.

Benson: What was that thing?

Richmond: I didn't get a close look. Was rather preoccupied with running for my life.

McDowell: Is this the sort of thing you guys deal with a lot? I've never come close to fieldwork, and after this I never will again.

Benson: I've never worked with any of the dangerous ones before. Just the cute, fluffy monsters.

They come to a door at the end of the hall. Richmond opens the door into a large storeroom lined with crates and boxes.

Benson: At least it's not more office.

Richmond enters the storeroom. Benson and McDowell follow.

McDowell: This place seems so deserted.

Benson: No wonder they needed new hires from outside.

On the other end of the storeroom, a door marked as the exit is visible.

Richmond: And there we go.

McDowell: Feels too easy. It can't be this easy.

A sound6 comes from behind a stack of boxes.

Richmond: Hey accountant, go fuck yourself.

McDowell: That wasn't me!

The sound is heard again as the stack of boxes is toppled by a large amorphous entity of a currently unidentified colour with the phrase "ORIGINAL CONTENT" written on it in white.

Benson, Richmond, and McDowell scream and run from the entity. It charges towards them, and reaches out a pseudopod to McDowell.

McDowell: Oh shit, it's got me!

The entity drags McDowell into its body and envelops him. It makes more unidentified sounds.

Benson: Just get to the exit! We're almost there!

Benson and Richmond run to the exit door and attempt to push it open. The door does not move.

Richmond: Push harder, janitor!

Benson: I'm trying!

The door slowly gives way, and they squeeze through just as the entity catches up to them. The door quickly slams shut behind them before it can follow through.

Benson and Richmond are in an office space much like the previous offices. Beside them, a waste bin shakes and falls over. Martin Greaze crawls out of the bin and stands up, extending a hand to Richmond.

Martin Greaze: Great job you two, you've managed to escape the Dark Lord Divitiae and his servants.

Richmond does not take the hand.

Richmond: How did you get out?

Benson: And what was that thing back there? Did it eat McDowell?

Martin Greaze: That was an old cancelled project. Wasn't derivative enough. But the real threat is that certain someone downstairs. And you, Mister Benson, are going to save us all from him.

Richmond: And me?

Martin Greaze takes a chef's knife from the front of his pants and stabs Richmond in the neck. She gasps and falls to the floor as blood sprays from the wound.

Benson: OH GOD! WHAT THE FUCK?

Martin Greaze: Going to be honest, she wasn't supposed to live this long. Really only needed a chosen one, a chosen two isn't useful.

Benson: You're insane!

Martin Greaze: No, I'll tell you what's insane. Dark Lord Divitiae upped our rent prices last month and now we're almost broke. Now, I've got one last surprise for you and then you go kill the bastard that owns this building.

Martin Greaze takes a mop out of his pocket.

Benson: The mop?

Martin Greaze: Just take it.

Benson takes the mop. Martin Greaze pushes a potted plant over, revealing an elevator door.

Martin Greaze: Excellent. Now, the final step of your journey awaits you.

Benson steps into the elevator. As the door closes, the camera lingers on Richmond's corpse.

[10 minutes omitted for brevity]

The elevator stops on floor -666. The door slides open, revealing a large stone chamber lit by a row of torches. In the centre of the chamber, a Wyvern class LSA entity7 sits atop a pile of gold coins estimated to be worth three billion USD at the time of recording.

Divitiae: Hello, little human. What tribute have you brought me today?

Benson: Uhh, I've got a mop?

Divitiae: Well, best get cleaning. My lair has grown rather dusty.

Divitiae throws a single gold coin at Benson.

Benson: I need water to do that.

Divitiae: I'll give you as much water as you need, for that coin in your hand.

Benson throws the coin back into the pile. The LSA opens its mouth and spews soapy water onto the floor. Benson begins to mop the floor.

Divitiae: Go faster, I haven't got all day. There's a village nearby that needs burning.

Benson starts moving faster.

Divitiae: Slow down, you can't do the job perfectly if you're going too fast.

Benson: Look, I'm not really here to clean. And I'm not here for pay. I just want to go home.

Benson drops the mop.

Divitiae: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

Divitiae leaps off the pile of gold and snaps its jaws at Benson. As Benson jumps away, it slips on the wet floor and slides across the chamber and slams its face into the elevator door.

Benson stands up and cautiously crosses the floor. He picks up the mop, which has been snapped in half by Divitiae's body.

Divitiae: You traitorous swine! You'll never work in this town again! I'll repossess your house!

Benson: Broke like a pool stick. How convenient.

Divitiae attempts to stand, but slips on the wet floor again.

Divitiae: You broke your mop? That's coming out of your salary with interest!

Benson drives the sharp end of the broken mop into Divitiae's neck.

Divitiae: Foolish mortal, I HAVE TOO MUCH MONEY TO DIE!

Divitiae swings a clawed hand at Benson, launching him across the room. A loud crack is heard as Benson hits the wall.

Divitiae: I WILL NOT BE FELLED BY SOME WORKING CLASS WHELP!

Divitiae grabs the broken mop and rips it out of its neck. A shower of blood sprays out of the wound.

Divitiae: HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK WHAT'S HAPPENING?

Divitiae places its hands on the wound. Blood can still be seen pouring out between its claws.

Divitiae: My head feels funny….

Divitiae falls to the ground. After approximately ten minutes, the bleeding slows. Divitiae and Benson do not move for three more hours.

The broken elevator door begins to glow and melt. Martin Greaze steps through the hole, and slips on the wet floor.

Martin Greaze: Ah shit, someone should put a sign up.

Martin Greaze crosses the room and kneels over Benson's body.

Martin Greaze: Hey new guy, good to see you did your job well. Unfortunately, your services are no longer required and we'll be terminating your contract.

Benson does not respond.

Martin Greaze: Huh. Guess he's dead. Can't fire a dead guy, can we? No. Let's fix this shit.

Martin Greaze takes a syringe of an unidentified glowing green substance from his pocket, and injects it into Benson's arm. Benson gasps and coughs.

Benson: Oh god. I'm alive! I killed a dragon!

Martin Greaze: You sure did. Now that we don't need you anymore, you're fired.

Martin Greaze takes a flask of whisky from inside his suit and pours it out over Benson's body. He takes a step away, and lights a match.

Martin Greaze: See you in hell.

Benson: WAIT, DON'T -

Martin Greaze smiles, waves to Benson, and tosses the lighter at him. The remainder of the video file is too degraded to view.

Alongside these video files, a text document was uploaded containing the following.

hey guys sorry about taking your janitor without asking hope this video clears it all up

love u - martin

SCP-8013 has not been sighted since this incident. Reclassification to Neutralized is pending approval.