SCP-3560-J: "No, no, NO! When will you imbeciles learn?! The milk goes in BEFORE the tea!"

Item #: SCP-3560-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3560-J is to be held in a standard humanoid containment cell with anti-reality bending suppressors a spacious room, decorated and outfitted in the style of a traditional English manor drawing room. A very fine, life-sized painting of SCP-3560-J holding a pipe and wearing hunting attire should be hung above the fireplace. SCP-3560-J is to be permitted a black labrador as a pet. SCP-3560-J is to be allowed long walks in the countryside and -

Update: Project Lead Doctor Simmons was caught in the middle of making alterations to the start of the Special Containment Procedures as seen above1. Doctor Simmons has been temporarily relieved of duty and is currently undergoing screening for memetic contamination by SCP-3560-J. An accurate Special Containment Procedures document will be published shortly.

Under no circumstances are the beverages tea, coffee or related drinks to enter within a 100-meter radius of SCP-3560-J, except during approved testing. On special request from Doctor Simmons, SCP-3560-J can be served English Breakfast tea with milk, made to exact specifications2.

Note from Doctor Simmons to all site staff - I realise everyone in Sector B hates this ban, and me by extension. I know the Foundation runs on caffeine… but until we can rule out exactly what's safe and what isn't, I'm not taking any chances. Just be thankful it's out of range of the cafeteria.

Description: SCP-3560-J, also known in urban myth as "The Discerning Gentleman", "The Tea Gentlemen", "T-Man" or "The Tea Nazi", is a humanoid entity with the appearance of a wealthy 19th century English "gentleman". SCP-3560-J speaks in an upper-class English accent and wears clothing and accouterments typical to English gentry of the 1880's period3.

SCP-3560-J was considered an urban legend until the Foundation was called in to investigate a string of bizarre murders across the USA, ultimately resulting in the discovery of SCP-3560-J and its eventual capture4.

Although sounding and appearing human, SCP-3560-J has a modus operandi with anomalous effects. People visited by SCP-3560-J (hereby referred to as "subjects") appear to be picked at random, however they all have one common circumstance. SCP-3560-J materializes close to a subject when the subject is making a cup of the beverage tea - typically of the English Breakfast variety, with milk. SCP-3560-J produces a mild memetic effect on the subject. After the subject's initial surprise they appear to accept SCP-3560-J's presence, treating 'him' like an irritating friend, or cantankerous older relative5.

After appearing, SCP-3560-J proceeds to critically evaluate the quality of the subject's tea-making process, according to SCP-3560-J's own - very specific - standards. SCP-3560-J typically begins with polite remarks and suggestions to improve the final product, but can become increasingly irate, and in some cases homicidal, should the subject not meet the high standards that SCP-3560-J demands.

These include examples such as precise tea to milk ratio, quantity of milk in teacup, length of time to steep tea leaves, the temperature of the tea, aesthetics of teacup, etc6. If the subject survives to the point of serving the tea, SCP-3560-J tastes it before delivering a final verdict; gives verbal advice or punishment as appropriate, and then de-materialises7.

Capture and Containment:

SCP-3560-J was eventually captured on [██-██-20██] by luring it into containment. 30 D-Class personnel were used to make tea in different methods known to anger SCP-3560-J. The procedure was also successful thanks to the assistance of Lord Blackwood and by abusing the appearance and abilities of SCP-26498.

Current Foundation technology installed at SCP-3560-J's containment chamber prevents SCP-3560-J from being able to de-materialise or leave the premises. SCP-3560-J's other anomalous abilities seem to be unaffected.

Since its capture, SCP-3560-J has exhibited unpredictable behaviour. At some times it is co-operative with researchers - seemingly resigned to its fate - and can be conversed with. At other times it is openly hostile, or displays symptoms of depression and becomes unresponsive. Placating SCP-3560-J with tea made to its exacting standards has proved an effective means of curbing its mood swings.

So far, experiments and interviews have revealed little about SCP-3560-J's origins, background or true nature, aside from its obsessive fixation with tea. A common topic of SCP-3560-J's conversations with staff are lamentations on how tea-making standards have dropped in the past century. SCP-3560-J refers to itself only as "a discerning gentleman".

"Let me ask you again, Doctor. In this wonderous age of technical wizardry and false idols, is it too much to ask that if one is to make a cup of tea, they do it right? It vexes me, I tell you. It…. vexes me. Where's the quality? The pride in a job well done? Pass the sugar please, there's a good chap."

SCP-3560-J

"He may be a psychotic bastard but I have to admit, he knows how to make a damned good cup of tea."

D-28905

Addenda

**Selected Experiment Log Extracts**

Full Experiment Log available on request.

Experiment Log Summaries

Note: All experiment subjects are D-Class personnel unless otherwise stated.

Experiment Number: T-008

Experiment Overview: Make Earl Grey tea in SCP-3560-J's presence (using teabag).

Experiment Results: As soon as SCP-3560-J noticed the teabag in the cup was Earl Grey, SCP-3560-J swept its arm across the table, knocking over the experiment's set-up and badly scalding D-1084. Experiment aborted.

SCP-3560-J: "Not that bloody dog's piss again! Get it OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

Experiment Number: T-12

Experiment Overview: Tea was made to standards known to appease SCP-3560-J. However, the tea was served in a large mug with the message "I *heart* T"9.

Experiment Results: SCP-3560-J stated the tea was passable, but chided the subject for her "vulgar taste", "childlike behaviour" and "complete lack of refinement".

Experiment Number: T-21

Experiment Overview: D-Class personnel given appropriate equipment to make high quality cafetiere coffee, and instructed to make coffee in SCP-3560-J's presence.

Experiment Results: SCP-3560-J initially disregarded the subject and the activity, merely tutting and watching out of the corner of its eye. Eventually the subject accidentally spilt some coffee grinds, prompting a response from SCP-3560-J. It sighed and stood up, saying "It's really not my cup of tea, but if you will insist on making it in front of me, will you at least put some effort into it?". SCP-3560-J then (somewhat half-heartedly) slapped the subject in the face with its gloves a number of times, and proceeded to instruct the subject in how to make a "good cup of coffee". SCP-3560-J refused to try the result, but let the subject off with a broken wrist and a shouted warning to Doctor Simmons not to taunt it with inferior beverages again.

Experiment Number: T-25

Experiment Overview: D-28732 was told to make tea however they prefer, in the presence of SCP-3560-J.

Experiment Results: Excerpt of recorded audio:

SCP-3560-J (Screaming):

"I SAID…"

Cracking noise

"STEEP THE BAG…"

Cracking noise

"FOR TWO MINUTES!"

Crunching noise.

(Subject D-28732 expired 2 minutes later.)

Experiment Number: T-83

Experiment Overview: SCP-2649 transported to SCP-3560-J's chamber, 2 hours after feeding10 (appropriate security measures in place). D-Class personnel instructed to make a pot of tea using SCP-2649.

Experiment Results:

SCP-3560-J immediately regarded SCP-2649 with fear, rising to intense horror (note that to this point, SCP-2649 had remained immobile). SCP-3560-J then crossed itself three times, backed away slowly and eventually cowered in the corner of the chamber, arms over its head - whimpering and muttering unintelligible words under its breath. SCP-3560-J then started to shout out, pleading with Doctor Simmons "take it away, please, I beg you!". These pleas continued until SCP-2649 became semi-active once the D-Class personnel started preparing the tea. Upon seeing this, SCP-3560-J [REMAINDER OF EXPERIMENT REDACTED]. Doctor Simmons later apologised profusely to SCP-3560-J, and has since put a temporary hold on cross-testing it with SCP-2649.

Experiment Number: T-103

Experiment Overview: A modern branded luxury tea and coffee making appliance was set up in SCP-3560-J's containment chamber by a D-Class subject. The subject was instructed to make a cup of tea using the appropriate preset button. Note: All relevant ingredients are pre-stored inside the device, with the beverage-making process also performed entirely within the machine - eventually pouring the final product into a cup placed in the machine's receptacle.

Experiment Results:

As soon as D-2489 entered the chamber carrying the device, SCP-3560-J eyed the machine with great suspicion. When D-2489 turned it on and started the tea program, SCP-3560-J approached the machine with a look of intense disgust. Twenty seconds into the process SCP-3560-J started screaming obscenities at the machine. By forty seconds into the process, SCP-3560-J, still screaming, had begun beating it furiously with its cane.

By the fifty-second mark, SCP-3560-J's screams had risen in pitch and volume to a piercing sound, as Doctor Simmons described it; "a banshee's shriek". The beverage machine, although damaged, was still functioning (and being quite heavy, it had remained in place). At one minute into the process, the volume of SCP-3560-J's shriek had reached over 200 decibels and burst D-2489's eardrums (who was now beating on the chamber door, begging to be let out). SCP-3560-J was now clawing at the device with its hands and beating at it. SCP-3560-J then - still shrieking - moved swiftly to grab D-2489, and with inhuman strength started to pound D-2489's head and upper body onto the machine, using D-2489's hair as leverage. The device (and D-2489) finally expired under this frenzied assault. SCP-3560-J, still panting but no longer shrieking, wiped its brow with its handkerchief, and in a threatening tone warned Doctor Simmons never to insult it in such a manner again; "lest you want to see the very depths of Hell with your own two eyes!". Testing was suspended for 2 weeks after this incident, until SCP-3560-J had sufficiently calmed to resume experimentation.

Experiment Number: T-128

Experiment Overview: Regular tea-making test using a baseline tea-set, one of a series of experiments to gauge SCP-3560-J's shifting standards over time. Tea was made by D-33012, an elderly female of British descent.

Experiment Results:

SCP-3560-J observed the tea-making process closely, at times peering centimetres from D-33012's handiwork. The subject was exacting in her movements and decisions, making no apparent mistakes. Unusually, SCP-3560-J stayed almost completely silent during the process, occasionally scratching its head with a puzzled expression, and only vocalising occasional "hmmm"s, and at one point "ahhh!".

After D-33012 offered SCP-3560-J the cup of tea and SCP-3560-J tasted it, the entity broke into a grin, declaring with enthusiasm: "Wonderful! Exquisite! Superb! A triumph… a marvel! Madam, you have achieved perfection! This sorry world does not deserve you, the Heavens await!". On saying these words, a cylindrical and blinding bright white light appeared around D-33012. One second later, with a surprised expression, D-33012 vanished, along with the light. SCP-3560-J then swooned loudly, dabbing a handkerchief on its forehead, and collapsed.

SCP-3560-J came to one hour later, telling Doctor Simmons: "It was the best cup of tea I've ever had, Doctor, and she deserved to be rewarded handsomely. You see, there are some good people left in the world, after all! It makes it all worthwhile!" Subsequent scans and searches of the Site housing SCP-3560-J were unsuccessful in locating D-33012 and the subject's whereabouts remain a mystery. A background check revealed that in middle age the subject had served as a senior maid in the British Royal Household. For the next 3 weeks, SCP-3560-J's demeanour was noticeably more positive than usual, with SCP-3560-J also disregarding many "infractions" during tea-making experiments which would normally incur its ire.

End of Experiment Log Summary

**Appendix A** - Guidelines for making tea to SCP-3560-J's specifications.**

__Guidelines for making tea to SCP-3560-J's specifications__

Note from Doctor Simmons: The following document is full of minutae which is probably only of interest to testers and true tea aficionados. The rest of you (i.e. normal people), might want to skip this appendix.

The following methods for making tea have proven, on average, not to incur the wrath of SCP-3560-J. Due to SCP-3560-J's whims changing on a daily basis, only D-Class personnel should perform the process, and serve the tea. Any leftover tea, cakes, scones or biscuits (especially HobNobs) from successful experiments should be handed over to Doctor Simmons for "testing" - Note - Please disregard the previous statement. Doctor Simmons has been reprimanded for editing an SCP document for his own personal gain.

Tea Ware

Matching tea sets are preferred. Note that SCP-3560-J does not like pink flowers as decoration on teaware, as they "make it feel sick". Imagery of cats should also be avoided as SCP-3560-J considers them "Infernal Creatures".

Teacup, saucers, sugar bowls, milk jugs: Decorative, antique; made of porcelain or bone china. Teacups should fit neatly into the saucers and not slip when tilted at shallow angles. Doctor Simmons requests vigilance as "SCP-3560-J keeps smashing these expensive tea sets for silly mistakes we could have prevented in advance".

Teapot (if appropriate - SCP-3560-J prefers tea made with loose tea leaves): Decorative, antique; made of silver or porcelain. Never use a glass teapot as it is a particularly nasty weapon in the hands of SCP-3560-J should things go badly.

Tea Cosy (if appropriate): Decorative, knitted with sheep's wool. SCP-3560-J does not like overly-embroidered tea cosies, or for them to be too fluffy: "Its supposed to be a tea cosy, not a bloody cloud!".

Tea Strainer (if appropriate): Antique; made of silver.

Tea Spoons: Decorative, antique; made of silver. Ensure teaspoons are well polished, as SCP-3560-J is a particular stickler for checking this, and also enjoys looking at its own reflection in a teaspoon.

Ingredients

A full list of preferred brands, ingredient sources, and experiment logs using such ingredients is available on request. Staff are reminded that office sweepstakes based on SCP-3560-J's reaction to popular brands of tea are not only unprofessional, but subject to official reprimand.

General guidelines:

Type of Tea: SCP-3560-J overwhelmingly prefers English Breakfast Tea, it is not recommended to serve other types of tea to SCP-3560-J unless approved by the Project Leader (see experiment logs). According to SCP-3560-J, there is no finer tea than English Breakfast Tea, and we are foolish inbreds to even consider that other types of tea could reach its unparalleled greatness.

Tea leaves: SCP-3560-J prefers loose tea leaves steeped using a teapot. Imported, high-quality tea leaves bought from boutique companies have proved the most well-received. Be sure that loose tea leaves are stored properly between experiments, as SCP-3560-J can always tell.

Tea bags: SCP-3560-J is picky about preferred brands, bemoaning factory-produced tea bags. In blind tests, however, SCP-3560-J can often not tell the difference, in some cases reacting more positively to popular home brand tea bags than expensive loose tea leaves. SCP-3560-J considers tea bags which the user must fill themselves a "faff" and a lazy alternative to making "a good and proper pot of tea".

Milk: Use full fat cow's milk. Using half-fat, low fat, or milk from other animals is liable to anger SCP-3560-J. Since the numerous fatalities and containment chamber damage incurred during incident TI-23, testing with human breast milk is now strictly forbidden.

Sugar: SCP-3560-J usually prefers sugar cubes to loose (granulated) sugar, and a selection of both white and brown sugar in separate sugar bowls should be available. SCP-3560-J takes sugar depending on it's mood, although never more than two cubes or spoonfuls. It is recommended not to add sugar in advance, and let SCP-3560-J advise the correct amount, or help itself. SCP-3560-J has also been observed sneaking sugar cubes into its waistcoat pocket and sucking them discreetly when it feels it is being unobserved. Anyone noticing this in SCP-3560-J's presence should not comment on the fact, and pretend it did not happen, for their own safety.

Tea Making Process

The following processes are fairly reliable in placating SCP-3560-J. Exact measurements for different sets of teaware and ingredients can be requested from the Project Lead.

Note from Doctor Simmons: Valuable subjects or staff making tea for SCP-3560-J should practice in advance, with other people closely scrutinising their process and criticising it. Researcher Barry Hayes is particularly good at playing the part of SCP-3560-J, Barry can make you feel like a real shit, a worthless worm, a piece of scum who can't even make a cup of tea right. You know what, I think Barry's a bad person. Don't expect to see Barry around here any more, I'm going to get him transferred. Barry, if you're reading this, you shouldn't have made a grown man cry.

Using Tea Bags

Place teabag in cup (gently).

Pour milk into cup to roughly the width of an average adult's forefinger worth. Do not touch the milk with your fingers to attempt to measure this, (if you value those fingers). The perfect amount of milk depends on the size of the cup and the quantity of tea leaves in the bag.

Boil water. Pour into cup when the water temperature is between 90-100 degrees centigrade (96 degrees centigrade has proven the most successful temperature to appease SCP-3560-J). Again, do not finger test this unless you want to burn your fingers. Use instinct and practice to determine temperature. SCP-3560-J considers thermometers cheating and says they are only good for sticking up your [REDACTED].

Let tea bag steep for approximately two minutes. Perfect time depends on the type of tea used, the amount of tea used, the size of the cup and the amount of milk used. Refer to further documentation. SCP-3560-J does permit use of his pocketwatch for timing purposes, although never attempt to touch the watch as this is considered extremely bad manners by SCP-3560-J (and the pocketwatch makes for a painful weapon)

Carefully remove tea bag using teaspoon and discard on a separate saucer or appropriate disposal basket. If discarded on a saucer, quickly remove from SCP-3560-J's close vicinity (it dislikes mess).

Stir until tea and milk are sufficiently mixed (the liquid should be a consistent light brown colour). Remove teaspoon and place on a separate saucer or wipe with cloth/napkin. SCP-3560-J does not tolerate colour charts to ascertain the correct colour: "are you decorating, Sir, or making a cup of tea? If you don't hurry up and put that away, I'll be sure to "decorate" your face with these gloves!"

Add sugar if requested, using a teaspoon. If possible, do not use the same teaspoon used to stir the tea, as SCP-3560-J dislikes "contamination" of sugar in a sugar bowl.

Using Tea Pots

As above, but with the following changes:

Place the appropriate amount of tea into the teapot at the start of the process. The correct amount depends on the size of teapot, the strength of tea, and the number of cups of tea required. Don't forget to pour an extra cup for Doctor Simmons to bring to him afterwards.

Water stipulations are the same as for tea bags, but the water should be poured to fill the teapot.

Steep the tea leaves for four minutes on average before pouring. The exact time depends on a number of factors such as the size of the teapot and strength of leaves. During this time, do not stir or disturb the tea. SCP-3560-J sometimes calls this period "quiet time" or "thinking time", yet will often use this opportunity to point out multiple flaws in the server's process up to this point.

Use tea strainer or internal teapot strainer to remove tea leaves as you pour tea into teacup. Where possible avoid rogue tea leaves from entering the teacup (a small amount is acceptable). Note that SCP-3560-J does not believe in traditional psychic tea leaves "readings", calling it the realm of "those dirty gypsies".

Pour any additional cups of tea if required DON'T FORGET DOCTOR SIMMONS. Cover teapot with a tea cosy if enough hot water remains for more cups.

Additional cups of tea after the first batch can be served if there is enough tea remaining in the pot. However, SCP-3560-J has strict standards on the strength and temperature of additional cups from the same pot. Exercise extreme caution.

Do not add additional hot water to tea leaves if there is not enough water remaining for an additional cup. Instead, start the process from scratch.

Accompanying Foods

(See extra documentation for more information on foodstuffs.)

Serving tea with certain foodstuffs is acceptable or even desirable to SCP-3560-J. Traditional accompaniments such as freshly-baked scones (served with butter and jam), cakes, or biscuits are the most tolerated foodstuffs. In SCP-3560-J's earshot, "scones" should always be pronounced as though it rhymes with "owns". Failure to do so will brand you a commoner in SCP-3560-J's eyes, with

SCP-3560-J's self-professed favourite tea accompaniment is fruit scones served with butter and raspberry jam. It is also quite partial to chocolate digestive biscuits, although it never dips biscuits into tea, calling such actions reprehensible and immoral. It will severely punish anyone it spots attempting a "dirty dunk".

Interview Log - CLASSIFIED, REQUIRES LEVEL 4 SECURITY CLEARANCE

Extended Experiment Log - CLASSIFIED, REQUIRES LEVEL 4 SECURITY CLEARANCE

Footnotes

1. Doctor Simmons was heard to shout "But we must treat him like a proper gentleman!" whilst being dragged away from his terminal by security.

2. See Appendix A for full instructions.

3. Doctor Simmons: Attempts to remove SCP-3560-J's clothing in favour of standard Site garb should no longer be attempted, following serious injury of three personnel (one of whom had to have SCP-3560-J's walking cane removed from up his [REDACTED]).

4. Previous sightings of SCP-3560-J were reported in the United Kingdom, Ireland and New Zealand. Quote from SCP-3560-J: "In truth Doctor, it dismayed me to see how far standards had slipped… degenerated. I did what I could, you know, but I fear it's a losing battle. The longer you keep me in this infernal prison, the worse it gets out there. I beg you, release me!"

5. Doctor Simmons: Note that SCP-3560-J did not react favourably at all when D-8342 referred to him as "a grumpy old bastard". Testing had to be suspended for a week after that incident, until he'd calmed down.

6. A full list of SCP-3560-J's recorded demands is available on request.

7. Subjects who incur punishment from SCP-3560-J may receive a verbal reprimand or physical violence, ranging from slaps to severe beatings. The most serious victims of SCP-3560-J were beaten to death with SCP-3560-J's walking cane, to the point of unrecognition. In 3 cases the tea-making implements were used as weaponry to inflict fatal wounds, including one case where a tea-spoon was used to [REDACTED].

8. An entity with the appearance of a teapot with arachnid legs. Note from Doctor Simmons: SCP-2649 seems to terrify SCP-3560-J. Further testing between the two has been approved.

9. The *heart* being a red stylised heart icon.

10. When SCP-2649 tends to be less mobile.