Bohart Cooks the ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

!SITE-333 EMERGENCY NOTICE!

CONTAINMENT BREACH ALERT: SCP-7855

DATE: 22/12/23

ALL SITE-333 PERSONNEL RECEIVING THIS NOTICE ARE TO CONVENE IN THE ON-SITE CONFERENCE ROOM FOR AN EMERGENCY BRIEFING AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

Faliure to appear for briefing may result in insufficient knowledge for effective response to the ongoing containment breach, and cause severe effects to the individual's body, mind, or possessions; potentially including but not limited to confusion, bodily harm, financial losses, loss of identity, loss of vision, increased cholesterol, recovery of vision, associated fines, metaphysical de-existence, nausea, headache, indigestion, upset stomach, etc.

SITE-333 SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE

WARNING: CAMERA BATTERY LOW.

Footage Date: 22/12/2023

Time: 5:48 pm

[Tony Catalano, Leonora Morales, and Noah Patel are seated in three of the few non-broken chairs within Site-333's conference room. The trio are engaged in conversation around a large punch bowl filled with a vaguely cream-coloured liquid in the centre of the table. The room is decorated with a series of shoddily prepared Christmas decorations consisting of vaguely-snowflake-shaped paper chains, strips of wrapping paper cut, twisted, and hung up in an attempt to replicate tinsel, and a small cactus that has been capped with a Santa Claus Hat. Tony is in the process of scooping the beverage within the bowl into a mug that reads "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee!"]

Tony Catalano: So any of you see Vincent on the way in? What's the deal with this anyhow?

Leonora Morales: Not sure, but I passed by the kitchen and something in there smells like it's burning. This better be important, I had just got nestled in to watch a migratory colony of puffins coming in to roost. They've been cursed by the Fae Tyrant, Queen Mab to sing with the voices of the dead. What's the point of having a vacation form if we're just going to be called in anyway?

Tony Catalano: It makes Vincent feel powerful.

Leonora Morales: He better get this on with quick, those puffins are crepuscular.

Noah Patel: Eww.

Leonora Morales: Not what you think it means. How was JerseyDevilCon going?

Noah Patel: It went well. We had our roundtable to present findings and then the annual DevilHunt. There were five of us still there when I left, which is a pretty good-sized crowd. The Jersey Devil didn't show up though.

Tony Catalano: How would that have even happened?

Noah Patel: We put flyers up. The Jersy Devil's in Jersey, hence the name, right? So it's bound to see them eventually. Although I suppose maybe it wouldn't be able to read English. We probably should have thought about that ahead of time.

Leonora Morales: Noah, what exactly is it that you do?

Noah Patel: Oh, all sorts of stuff. How was your day going, Tony?

Tony Catalano: I'd say I can't complain, slept in, had brunch, but then I got a call from the in—

[Vincent Bohart enters the room with a candy cane stuck in his mouth. Seeing the assembled individuals, he inadvertently sucks inward, causing it to slide further in and obstruct his trachea. He quickly coughs, ejecting the candy cane onto the conference table.]

Vincent Bohart: What the hell are you people here for?

Tony Catalano: You called us in. The emergency alert? We've all been waiting for you.

Vincent Bohart: Oh, yeah. That's all been taken care of. False alarm. Great work everyone, very prompt response time and all that.

Leonora Morales: Wait, what?! Vincent, I was planning that field trip for months!

Vincent Bohart: I'll give you all an extra gold star on your performance reviews.

Tony Catalano: So I've been sitting in rush hour traffic for an hour — on one of the handful of vacation days we can take off — for no reason? Vincent, I'm missing dinner with the in-laws for this!

Vincent Bohart: Hey, blame Atlantic City, or the electrician who installed the alarms. I knew the old system was fine. Do you know how much of our operational budget that costs us?

Tony Catalano: Yes. I'm the one who does the budgets. Anyway, I'm not complaining. They were threatening to bring over ham and turkey meatloaf, like in the same log. Honestly, I'll toast to being here.

[Tony drinks from his mug, before coughing the thick liquid up]

Tony Catalano: Newborn baby Jesus, what the fuck is this?

Vincent Bohart: Eggnog.

Vincent Bohart: It's mostly rum though. The eggnog was expired. It helps with the taste.

[Tony Catalano pinches his nose and takes another gulp. Noah Patel proceeds to also scoop up some of the liquid into a glass.]

Vincent Bohart: Not that I really care, but Noah should you be drinking that? Are you over 21?

Noah Patel: I'm 32.

Vincent Bohart: Huh, really?

Noah Patel: It said so on my birthday party invitation last month. I gave you the card. You said you couldn't come because you had an important thing that weekend, then asked me to remind you which weekend you'd be having that important thing on.

Tony Catalano: Wait, Vincent what are you doing here?

Vincent Bohart: My oven crapped out, so I came here to make dinner.

Leonora Morales: [Leonora motions with her hands towards the paper chains] And decorate? These weren't here before, Vincent.

Vincent Bohart: [Shrugs] Keeps the interns busy. It's this or having them dig holes on the beach.

Noah Patel: Oh, that reminds me. I found that watch you had me looking for there.

Leonora Morels: So this wasn't some elaborate ploy to lure us all here, under the guise of a containment breach — which, I'm sure violates several Foundation codes — to serve us whatever you've been cooking in a room that looks like it's been decorated by a kindergartener?

Vincent Bohart: You think I'd want to spend more time with you people?

Tony Catalano: Well, we're here now, and I don't intend to leave. Whatcha got cooking, Vincent?

[Vincent Bohart stares blankly towards the group for several seconds.]

Noah Patel: You okay, boss?

Vincent Bohart: I… I, uh. I don't know.

Tony Catalano: You were telling us about the chow and just spaced out for a minute. What're you cooking?

Vincent Bohart: I don't know.

Tony Catalano: What do you mean you don't know?

Vincent Bohart: I know I was cooking… something. But I can't recall what.

Leonora Morales: He's probably just been breathing in some fumes from all the old baked-on gunk the oven's got. We really need to start cleaning that thing.

Tony Catalano: It's self-cleaning, isn't it? Noah, go check it out before Vincent burns the Site down with an overcooked ham or something.

Noah leaves the room as Vincent takes his seat, the group makes idle conversation for a minute before Noah returns.

Leonora Morales: So, what's for dinner?

Noah Patel: I don't — I don't remember….

Item#: 7855

Containment Class: unknown

Secondary Class: none

Disruption Class: vlam

Risk Class: warning

Special Cooking Procedures: The meal is kept within a fifty (50) by fifty (50) by twenty-five (25) centimetre conventional oven for a period of four (4) hours at four hundred and twenty-five (425) degrees Fahrenheit. Access is via a slightly jammed door that really only opens if you pull up first and then outwards. Site personnel are NOT to use the blender, toaster, or coffee maker while the oven is on, to avoid blowing a fuse, again. It is further advised that all personnel preparing food or eating within the vicinity should maintain a good distance from the oven due to how much heat bleeds out around the edges.

Description: SCP-7855 is currently being cooked by Director Vincent Bohart, within Site-333's employee kitchen. Conversation with the aforementioned individual, as well as other attempts to discern what is in the oven, have not yielded a definitive answer. Personnel are unable to recall any details regarding SCP-7855 when not preparing or cooking it directly. To clarify:

How Vincent Bohart originally acquired SCP-7855 is unknown.

The reason behind the cooking time, temperature, and method used, are unknown.

SCP-7855's physical appearance, texture, flavour profile, and relevant wine pairings are unknown.

Whether the burning smell noticeable near SCP-7855 is a result of the item, or the oven itself, is unknown.

Why Vincent Bohart chose to cook whatever SCP-7855 is in the communal staff kitchen, is known: he's a short-sighted jackass.

Although they were not able to describe the sensory experiences of cooking SCP-7855, Site-333 personnel uniformly agreed that the experience was "making them hungry." Individuals began to prepare non-anomalous food for group consumption while SCP-7855 cooked.

After a period of time that Vincent Bohart determined "seemed about right." SCP-7855 was removed from the oven. This is presumed to be the case due to the uncleaned baking tray left in the Site-333 kitchen sink.

SITE-333 SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE

WARNING: CAMERA BATTERY LOW.

Footage Date: 22/12/2023

Time: 8:19 pm

The group sits around Site-333's conference table, as snow continues to settle outside. Half-eaten, mundane, recognizable foodstuffs spread across the table. Several new wine stains are visible on the chairs.

Vincent Bohart: So there I was, behind the blackjack table, trying to deal out the cards while the goat's trying to chew through my pocket to the stack of $100s I'd stashed there. And the 8'-fuckoff" Wrath demon is glaring down at me, and I say to them 'well, I heard they've got a roasted goat leg going over at the buffet, so you must have missed the sacrifice.'

Tony Catalano: How'd that work out?

Vincent Bohart: Fella was so pissed he hit on a 19. Broke the table in half. I slipped out the back door with the chips while he took off after his startled furry friend.

Noah Patel: Is that why you were transferred from Site-666?

Vincent Bohart: No, that's a whole different story. What about you, Leonora? Any memorable holidays this time of year?

Leonora Morales: I once spent Christmas on the Faroe Islands, in a single-person micro tent eating cold canned beans and taking samples of bird shit to check for anomalous parasites.

Tony Catalano: Jeez, okay, you win the worst Christmas award.

Leonora Morales: That was my favourite Christmas memory.

Tony Catalano: Real Hallmark holiday special, there.

Leonora Morales: Laughing Okay, favorite Christmas movies, go.

Tony Catalano & Vincent Bohart: Die—

Leonora Morales: And you can't say Die Hard!

Vincent Bohart: Die Hard with a Vengeance.

Tony Catalano: Not actually a Christmas movie, it takes place during the summer.

Vincent Bohart: You gotta be shitting me. Okay, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Reminds me of growing up.

Leonora Morales: Watching the film or its events?

Vincent Bohart: Both. What about you, Noah?

Noah Patel: The Grinch. It's rare you see accurate cryptids depicted in the media.

Tony Catalano: Isn't that—

Vincent Bohart: Oh, let him have this one. It's the season for it.

Leonora Morales: And, uh. How are we feeling about the 'it' we just ate?

The group looks towards the center of the conference table, where a picked-clean serving platter sits empty surrounded by an array of smaller tableware and cutlery.

Tony Catalano: I mean, it wasn't bad. Certainly no worse than the Christmas meatloaf I'd be eating tonight otherwise.

Noah Patel: How would you describe the texture? I can't recall. Was it… spongey? gristly?

Leonora Morales: Both I think? The gravy certainly helped. As did the cranberry sauce. I think whatever I ate was more of a soup.

Vincent Bohart: Huh, I was chewing something, that I know. Wait.

Noah Patel: Yeah?

Vincent Bohart: I kind of, wow.

Tony Catalano: What is it, Vincent?

Vincent Bohart: I remember the flavour, I think. Just a little.

Leonora Morales: Well, go on then. You cooked the thing so it seems about fair. What do you remember?

Vincent Bohart: It tasted like chicken.

Site-333 Christmas tree, employee break room.

Site-333 — Interdepartmental Text-Based Communications Log:

25/12/2023 — 11:33 am (EDT)

Vincent Bohart, Director;

Tony Catalano, Accounting & Tourism;

Leonora Morales, Wildlife Specialist;

Noah Patel, Cryptozoologist & Museum Curator.

Tony Catalano: Happy Holidays, everyone!

Noah Patel: Merry Christmas!

Leonora Morales: Thanks again for cooking dinner, Vincent.

Vincent Bohart: Don't expect me to make a habit out of it.

Tony Catalano: As strange as it feels to write this, I kind of actually…. had a good time?

Leonora Morales: Yeah, me too. Well, I suppose we can avoid writing you up for misuse of the Foundation emergent breach channels, Vincent. It is the holidays, after all.

Vincent Bohart: I don't appreciate the slander.

Leonora Morales: Slander is written, this is libel. I'm using speech-to-text.

Vincent Bohart: You're liable to be getting a disciplinary report for insubordination.

Tony Catalano: There's the Scrooge we know.

Noah Patel: Have any of you felt kind of off the last few days? I have and I'm wondering if it has to do with what we ate.

Tony Catalano: Maybe a little bloated.

Leonora Morales: What did we eat?

Vincent Bohart: Oh yeah, I figured out what was going on there.

Leonora Morales: You're just telling us this now?

Noah Patel: Was I right it was a turducken?

Vincent Bohart: Gas leak.

Tony Catalano: What?

Vincent Bohart: Major gas leak. Like off the charts, the oven was free-pouring it into the site.

Tony Catalano: One-day-old Christ. Seriously?

Vincent Bohart: That's not even the half of it. It turns out everything on site: the oven, the boiler, the furnace, the hot tub, everything that heats up, is powered by burning sewer gas. We had an agreement with a group calling themselves the 'Plumbers,' which saved us a lot in heating costs.

Vincent Bohart: This isn't natural gas, it's natural gas, and chances are it's been leaking for a few weeks now. The whole Site is like a dry Christmas tree in a chimney.

Leonora Morales: Thank god we stopped Noah from flaming the pudding when he burned himself.

Tony Catalano: Or that the damn rat didn't set it off.

Vincent Bohart: Yeah, so any way that's the reason for the season.

Leonora Morales: So how are we just now learning about this?

Vincent Bohart: Oh. One of those interns must have messed around with the monoxide detector or something when they triggered that breach alarm.

Tony Catalano: That doesn't explain anything.

Vincent Bohart: Mysteries of life. Anyway, they need some time to fix the oven and pump all the gas out of the old building.

Vincent Bohart: So I suppose you're all getting an extra week of vacation. Happy Holidays. As for me…

Vincent Bohart: Has set out of office reply: On the way to Vegas. See you in the New Year.