SCP-3533 is comprised of itself, its respective compounds, the concept of itself, the concept of lemon-scented, and the concept of household spray cleaners at any given time.

Billith

Written by Billith.

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An instance of SCP-3533. Photo taken with a Branston-Mayer Mnestic Filter (Class III). Contact information redacted.

Item #: SCP-3533

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Upon their manifestation and detection, instances of SCP-3533 are to be sequestered from all affected businesses and stored in standard nonliving storage units within the Site-19 anomalous items warehouses.

Knowledge of SCP-3533's existence is mostly self-contained and therefore only minor actions must be taken upon their manifestation. These events, referred to as "Replenishing Events", are carried out on an uneven monthly schedule that is to be monitored by stationed Foundation agents under strict Class-W Mnestic treatment regimens, with any fluctuations reported to current project lead.

The frequency of Replenishing Events is known to be influenced by the market value of stock "████", however, attempts to buy, sell, or otherwise manipulate said stock have failed due to the fact that no relevant living entities or enterprises other than and including the subsidiary responsible for the manufacture of SCP-3533 currently exist.

At this point in time, Foundation operatives are to avoid all contact with LOI/POI-3533. A perimeter has been established along the property line at a safe distance and must be maintained until such time that it is believed LOI/POI-3533 no longer represents a substantial security risk for classified Foundation operations (See Addendum 3533.2).

Description: SCP-3533 is the collective designation for an antimemetic household detergent spray titled "Metaphysiclean!". SCP-3533 will spontaneously appear on shelves of big-box stores and other franchised corporate retailers in the United States, although their presence will go largely unnoticed by ~99.8% of observers not on Class-W Mnestic regimens. It should be noted, however, that SCP-3533's antimemetic nature is not an intended feature of its design but a result of other anomalous properties.

The liquid that comprises SCP-3533 has been deemed functionally indeterminate, as limited GCMS testing has yielded results that suggest the substance is conceptually recursive.1

When SCP-3533 is sprayed onto a surface or a number of surfaces, their various components become conceptually vague for up to 72 hours.2 During this period, they will gradually revert to their original state unless more is applied; repeated exposure to SCP-3533 has been shown to permanently mesh the concepts of whatever it is sprayed on, the results becoming increasingly ill-defined with latter applications. SCP-3533 will evaporate from applied surfaces and is not detectable after this timeframe.

SCP-3533's packaging indicates it is manufactured by "████████", a non-existent subsidiary of S. C. Johnson and Son.3 The address of the factory that produces SCP-3533 (Designated LOI/POI-3533) is found on the labels of all instances. The location was traced to an abandoned lot in [REDACTED], which upon closer inspection was revealed to be a fully functional factory operating under antimemetic camouflage, likely the same effect expressed by SCP-3533 itself. While on mnestic drugs, LOI/POI-3533 appears nondescript externally, however, its interior has been permanently converted into an extradimensional space that is defined as the interior of the factory, SCP-3533, Frank Miller, supervisor, several other employees and at least 18 other identities or concepts including the concept of ennui and the concept of paid overtime. According to LOI/POI-3533, this was due to a large spill of SCP-3533 that occurred in 1998 which, while having little effect on the output quantity of the chemical, was considered "an abstract administrative nightmare".

Addendum 3533.1: Experimentation Logs

+ access 3533_expr.log

cd ..

SCP-3533 Experimentation Log

Note: Testing was carried out in the Site-19 Experimentation Wing under supervision of Sr. Researcher James Anselm Harkness, three D-Class personnel and a team of five random Foundation personnel to observe effects.

Test #
Preface
Results
Audio Notes

3533-1
D-9765 instructed to apply a small quantity of SCP-3533 to mirror in testing chamber and wipe with paper towel.
Mirror did not appear cleaner or less smudged. Upon further analysis, affected portion of mirror had taken on the pleated texture of the paper towel used and one observer insisted the area was indeed paper towel as well as a mirror.
It seems SCP-3533 might have a partially subjective nature. Further testing is required. - Harkness

3533-2
D-9765 instructed to liberally spray SCP-3533 on the edge of the mirror and the wall adjacent to it, but refrain from using a paper towel.
Affected area was unanimously described as both the mirror and the wall behind it, although three researchers expressed difficulty distinguishing between the two.
Curious, indeed. I found it quite remarkable that the wall had taken on a reflective sheen. Confirms the subjective nature of SCP-3533. Unless… - Harkness

3533-3
D-9765 instructed to paint a blue square on the wall of the testing chamber, then paint a red square next to it, and liberally apply SCP-3533 to the connected portion of the wet paint.
Two personnel agreed that the center was not purple but in fact both red and blue, while remaining personnel could not distinguish "both red and blue" from "purple". Corrective filtered eyewear was supplied and revealed that the concept of the filtered color was still visible for all observers.
It appears that the difference in observation is not intrinsic to the substance, but caused by nuances in the eyes and the, uh, visual cortexes of those perceiving it. This might be my favorite project so far. Quite a unique, benign anomaly. I think I might put in a transfer request to Conceptual once this is all over with. - Harkness

3533-8
D-9765 instructed to liberally spray the coat of one white lab mouse4 and the table it is on.
Mouse unable to move from area for 58 hours, although subject did not express any discomfort during this process. Table confirmed to also be comprised of mouse, and the subject reacted to stimuli on affected portion of table.
This stuff has a bizarre reaction to biological life, but it doesn't seem exceptionally hazardous.5 I'm putting in a request for another D-Class. - Harkness

3533-13
D-9765 instructed to apply SCP-3533 to one finger and touch D-1954 on the forearm.
D-Class unable to separate for 54 hours. Both subjects expressed that they could feel sensations of surrounding areas of skin up to 8cm from contact area, as well as a vague sense of ego-loss.6 Four observers insisted connected portion could be both D-9765 or D-1954, and one claimed D-9765 and D-1954 were the same person entirely.
Fascinating. Not much more to say except that I can't wait to do more tests. Is this the first project I'm actually enjoying? - Harkness

3533-14
D-9765 instructed to apply SCP-3533 liberally to hand and place palm on D-1954's forehead.
D-Class unable to separate for 66 hours. Removal was accomplished with minor tearing of D-9765's epidermis at contact site, the remains of which were easily removable one hour later. Both D-Class complained of intrusive thoughts and a complex loss of self-identity and non-loss of self-identity at the same time.7
I don't care what the other two say, for almost three days there was only one D-Class in that room. I'll prove it. Putting in a request for a third D-Class. - Harkness

3533-15
D-9765 and D-1954 instructed to interlock arms while D-3472 applied SCP-3533 to the connected area every twelve hours.
After 60 hours, only one D-Class was present in testing chamber with D-3472. It could not be determined if they were D-9765 or D-1954, so the subject was designated D-3533. D-3533 responded to D-9765, D-1954 and D-3533, but could not accurately define if they were simultaneously either personnel, an amalgamation of the two, or both. CT scans show that D-3533 has one circulatory and nervous system, but two brains. D-3533 cannot be separated into two individuals and has been contained for study.
I've got an idea. Let me draw up the paperwork. - Harkness

3533-17
Large surface of testing chamber wall doused with SCP-3533. Under supervision of Overwatch, SCP-2719 applied to area.
SCP-2719 previously defined inside as SCP-2719's containment. SCP-3533 and SCP-2719 became both inside and SCP-2719. D-3472 could not accurately state if SCP-3533 and SCP-2719 truly became inside, whether SCP-2719 had defined SCP-3533 as inside, or if SCP-3533 had also taken on the properties of SCP-2719. Surface appeared concave to two observers, although they could not say where the affected area led to, or if it led to any place at all other than inside. The other three observers claimed surface was simply acting as the concept of inside and did not lead anywhere.
I'm on the fence about where I stand with this one. Tomorrow I'll try sending D-3472 into the space. - Harkness

3533-18
Large surface of testing chamber doused with SCP-3533. Under supervision of Overwatch, SCP-2719 applied to area once more and D-3472 is instructed to enter affected area if possible.
[REMOVED]. SCP-2719 redefined inside as SCP-3533 only. Testing confirms traces of D-3472 in other bottles of SCP-3533. Testing suspended indefinitely.
N/A

Note: Following test 3533-18, Sr. Researcher Harkness applied for Class-C Amnestic application. Request denied. Project reassigned to Site-19's Conceptualization Division.

Addendum 3533.2: LOI/POI-3533 Interaction

+ access LOI-POI-3533_expl-intvw.log

cd ..

Interaction with LOI/POI-3533

Preface: LOI/POI-3533's condition was not fully known at the time of first contact. Field agents Markus Pierce and Elizabeth Carden were given a Class-W Mnestic regimen for three days leading up to investigation of the property.

<BEGIN LOG>

Command: Alright, you two. Move out.

Pierce: Okay, earpiece is functioning. Carden and I are approaching the factory limits now. Doesn't look like anything out of the ordinary just yet. Carden, you want to confirm that for me?

Carden: Yeah, looks just fine out here. Windows are clouded up with what looks like dust, not going to be easy to see inside. I just say we look for an entrance and go on in. If we see anyone, we question them. If they're hostile, we book it.

Pierce: Sounds like a plan. Even though this place looks pretty old, almost decrepit, I think I see some steam venting from out over the west perimeter. And there's a hum, I can definitely hear it out here.

Carden: So, it's still in business. Wonder what kind of company we'll find inside.

Pierce: My guess is that it is automated. No one comes in or out. Quiet now. [hushed] Command, we have visual on the front entrance. Ingress should be trivial, but we brought a crowbar just in case.

Command: Roger that. Be careful.

The two are silent for ten seconds, the sounds of quick footsteps on asphalt can be heard in the background. After a moment, they stop.

Pierce: Oh, door's unlocked. Here we go.

The door creaks loudly as sounds of machinery and commotion fill the space.

Carden: What exactly am I looking at here?

Pierce: Control, we have a bit of a situation.

LOI/POI-3533: Hello there.

Anomalous voice carries the sound of one or more vocal inflections. It could not be defined as having any particular feature, neither could it be defined as possessing every feature simultaneously.

Carden: Who said that?

LOI/POI-3533: It's been years since someone came in here. Are you with corporate?

Command: Describe the entity.

Pierce: I, uh, hm. It definitely is the inside of the factory, but, uh, it's also a bunch of other things.

LOI/POI-3533: I'm right here, you know.

Carden: So you're… the factory?

LOI/POI-3533: I'm Frank Miller, supervisor of this ████████ manufacturing plant. I also can't leave. What? Yes—and, yes, there are a few others in here as well. There's Trudy, Jacobs, Karen, Michael, Richard-

Pierce: I'm sorry, but where are these people?

LOI/POI-3533: I am these people. We are. We had a bit of fiasco with one of our competitors two decades back8 that caused a bit of an uproar. Things got out of hand, and, well, a whole tank of cleaner just sort of flooded the whole complex. We knew what we were getting ourselves into, but alas, hubris. The destroyer of men. Not that any of us are actually dead. I think Jacobs has food poisoning. Does that mean I have food poisoning too? Mercy. Sorry, this whole thing has been a mess. And S. C. Johnson has not responded to any of our tickets, we think they may have forgotten about us.

Carden: You've been in contact with others recently?

LOI/POI-3533: Well, no, it's been a while since any of us could use a computer.

Pierce: Wait, if you are somehow the inside of the factory as well as yourselves, how are you still alive? Don't you need to eat or drink?

LOI/POI-3533: We—we're not entirely sure, but I'd wager that, 'cause we're also something that does not require sustenance, we too do not require such things. We live on, as the soul of this company. Bound by forces beyond physicality, enmeshed and interwoven into the structure itself. We feel everything—everything—that we touch. Rust is particularly unpleasant. Try to avoid oxidizing, if you can—[nervous chuckle].

Carden: I'll keep that in mind—wait, does that mean the factory itself is alive in some sense?

LOI/POI-3533: I think you're asking the wrong questions. How about the grand tour? Please take off your shoes, Michael has a thing about germs.

Pierce: Al-Alright.

Some shuffling is heard as the agents presumably remove their footwear. The hums and hisses of machinery grow louder as they step inside.

LOI/POI-3533: O-hoo, that tickles. Sorry, this is a first for us too.

Pierce: Oh—oh god. This is wrong.

Command: Everything okay?

Pierce: It's this carpet in the entrance. I thought it was a wet shag rug, but its like they're tendrils. Or little fingers.

Carden: I can feel them wriggle between my toes.

LOI/POI-3533: Apologies, I'm nervous. We haven't gotten outsiders in a decade or two. Doesn't stop us from making more cleaners. We have all the precursors here, and some of our corporate owned suppliers still deliver crates out back.9

Carden: Is there any way we can convince you to stop production?

LOI/POI-3533: Lady, you'll have to take that up with corporate. This is our livelihood. Certainly you understand that?

Carden: You're still getting paid?

LOI/POI-3533: Direct deposit. If S. C. Johnson really wanted to halt production of 'Metaphysiclean!', surely they would have taken us off the payroll?10

Carden: I see.

LOI/POI-3533: Look, I know this is weird, but this place is all we have. The fact that you're here and asking these questions—I don't know who you work for, but I get the feeling it has to do with the state of things in here.

Carden: That is correct. If there is any information at all you can give to us regarding what happened here, perhaps we can help you in some way.

LOI/POI-3533: Uh, now that I think about it, you might be able to get something useful from our server room, it has a hermetically sealed halogen fire suppression system that was triggered during the spill—it is the only area in this place that remains conceptually sound and the only place we can't access.

Pierce: That's a good idea. Lead the way, if you would.

LOI/POI-3533: Of course. It's right through the door on your left, there's a passage that takes you through the production floor and into the administrative offices. The server room is on the far end.

Carden: Thank you very much, Mr. Miller.

Soft footsteps are heard as they proceed to the doors that lead deeper inside. There is a pause before sounds of struggle are heard from Agent Pierce.

LOI/POI-3533: What seems to be the issue?

Pierce: The door seems blocked on the other side. It is unlocked, but something won't let me through.

LOI/POI-3533: Oh my. This is embarrassing. We haven't really needed to use doors since we meshed with the rest of this place.

Pierce: Mind if I use the crowbar?

LOI/POI-3533: Erm, sure. Go ahead.

Agent Pierce is heard using the crowbar to bend the door outward. The sounds of creaking and splintering wood fill the background, as well as a wet, indefinite sloshing noise.

Pierce: The hell is this?

LOI/POI-3533: What? What is it?

Carden: You don't see it?

Command: Report your status.

Pierce: It's like a, god, like a giant pile of flesh and different concepts. I think it's human. Or multiple humans at one point. I can't tell, it all looks the same to me. It blends into the walls… Into everything.

Carden: Conceptually indeterminate corpses. Are you sure you can't see this, Frank?

LOI/POI-3533: This place is pretty much uniform abstraction for us. Wait, corpses?

Pierce: Not quite. It doesn't smell rotten, and it's been twenty years. I think—I think this might have been—or might still be some of you guys. From when you were trying to escape the spill. Wait, can you feel this?

LOI/POI-3533: Ow! Yes, Karen says you just pinched somewhere around her leg.

Pierce: This is some weird stuff. Uh, okay, it looks like we can fit through the doors still, but we may have to climb over some of you. We apologize in advance.

Sounds of movement and various grunts are heard as the agents climb through the doorway and into the passage beyond.

Carden: [coughs] Okay, we are through. You guys alright?

LOI/POI-3533: We are fine, thanks.

Carden: Can I ask you something, Frank?

LOI/POI-3533: Of course.

Carden: 'Metaphysiclean!'. Why? What does S. C. Johnson need a product like this for?

LOI/POI-3533: Well—I can answer that—Yes, thank you. Karen will have a better answer than myself. She worked extensively on the formula when it was in its early stages—Yes, I did. I honestly had no idea what I was getting myself into when I started here. I never thought entry level materials work would give way to fairy tale science and protein weaving.

Carden: What is-

LOI/POI-3533: Custom biomolecular constructs. I'm talking about manipulating the building blocks of life, uh—

Carden: Carden. Elizabeth.

Pierce: Mark.

LOI/POI-3533: Right. I'm talking about creating compounds with pre-written instructions on how to operate. Proteins take on certain three dimensional shapes inherently, the instructions are already in place for all naturally occurring biomatter. It's a real wonder, if I do say so myself.

Pierce: So S. C. Johnson decided to start tampering with the code, so to speak?

LOI/POI-3533: You could say that. But since when did playing God become something that was too much for the elite? You of all people should know the extent of human curiosity.

Pierce: What exactly do you mean by that?

LOI/POI-3533: Don't play dumb now. I bet whoever you work for has a large stake in pushing the limits of man's grasp on the universe.

Pierce: Point taken.

LOI/POI-3533: S. C. Johnson was doing a lot more than playing with amino acids. They had private contractors all over the world looking into some of the farthest reaches of science. Some of the things I could hardly consider science at all.

Carden: What would you consider it?

LOI/POI-3533: You'd laugh if I said 'magic', so let's say they were messing with some pretty arcane stuff. I mean, look around. What do you see?

Carden: I see a well managed factory, I think.

LOI/POI-3533: Well thanks—I mean, what do you really see? Do you see a skilled workforce of hardworking Americans? Or do you see the souls of the damned, a group of forgotten not-quite-people whose lives have been twisted by the foils of a faceless corporation? Sorry, that's the ennui talking. Company morale wasn't great when the spill happened, and that sort of just stuck around ever since.

Carden: I can understand. You've all been through so much.

At this point, LOI/POI-3533's voice, which had been of indeterminate quality but singular in nature previously, shifted to the sounds of multiple voices at once.

LOI/POI-3533: You understand? I don't think you understand, and, honestly, I don't think you have the best interests of the company at the heart of your agenda. We have been here for twenty years! All we do is exist and produce. And for what?

Carden: Mr. Miller—er—Karen, please. We honestly just want to help you.

LOI/POI-3533: I don't think you can help us. And you—you want to shut us down. To kill us. You are a pathogen. Michael has a thing about germs.

Factory noises swell in volume. Miscellaneous scraping and metal bangs can be heard as LOI/POI-3533's voice takes on a harsher tone.

Pierce: Frank, what are you doing?

Command: Report your status.

Carden: The walls feel like they are closing in, and we are dead center in this complex. I think we should go, now.

LOI/POI-3533: Leave? No, no, no, you'll just come back, won't you? With more? And you'll try to shut us down and destroy everything we've worked for. We need this place.

Pierce: We aren't going to shut you down, we swear.

Carden: We just want to help you get better.

LOI/POI-3533: Don't you get it? This is what we are now. No. You can't leave. Not now.

A large bang is heard in the background.

Pierce: Well, there goes our exit. [quietly] Carden, I've got an idea.

Carden: What?

Pierce: Remember what he said earlier? The only place they can't touch?

Carden: The server room.

LOI/POI-3533: Oh, no, you're not allowed access to our records unless you go through corporate! You lost that chance when you threatened to destroy this company—Hey! Wait, stop!

Sounds of hurried movement are picked up, although LOI/POI-3533's voice does not change in terms of distance from the two. After fifteen seconds, sounds of splashing can be heard, followed by grunts emanating from Carden's microphone.

Carden: Agh, crap.

Pierce: Liz, what is it, we have to go—Oh, fuck.

Command: What is happening?

Carden: It looks like there is a leak in this vat here, I stepped in a puddle. I thought it was water, but that's obviously not the case. It's soaked through my sock. I took a few steps but now I can't move. Markus. What do I do?

Pierce: I don't know. This stuff lasts a while. Command, I think you may need to send in some backup. Carden isn't going anywhere any time soon.

LOI/POI-3533: Sorry, guys. It says on the bottle to avoid getting it on the skin. Some folks just won't listen to the warnings! Looks like you're stuck with us for the long haul, miss.

Carden: W-why are they so loud? [groans]—Oh, everything hurts. Why does everything hurt?

Pierce: Frank, I really think you're going to have to let us go, buddy. Think about what something like this would mean for your company—

LOI/POI-3533: Frank isn't here. Well, he is, but stop talking about us like we aren't all here, too. And don't play with us. No one has come in two decades. I don't think anyone will be coming for you either. Get enough of this stuff on you and you won't even be a memory anymore.

Metal creaking noises are heard, followed by a loud crash.

Carden: Shit, Markus, run!

Pierce is heard breathing heavily, Carden is heard screaming but is drowned out by the sounds of liquid flooding the area. Agent Carden's microphone ceases function several seconds later.

Pierce: Server room… server room… c'mon.

Sounds of rustling and miscellaneous background noise is picked up.

Pierce: Ah, here.

LOI/POI-3533: No, don't go in there! I will call the police!

The sounds of the door opening and closing is heard. LOI/POI-3533's voice becomes muffled.

LOI/POI-3533: You can't stay in there forever. And there's plenty more 'Metaphysiclean!' where that came from!

Pierce: Okay, command, I've located their data storage, and I can say for certain that servers are the only thing in this room. Thank Christ. My head hurts. Don't ever assign me more of this conceptual bullshit, I hate it. I hate all of this.

Command: Duly noted.

Pierce: There's a terminal over here. Let me see what I can find.

Pierce is heard operating the computer for several minutes, while various bangs and thuds are heard outside.

LOI/POI-3533: Oh, wait, I've got an idea. [laughs]

Pierce: That doesn't sound good. Alright, I found some ledgers, precursor lists, what is this? I'm seeing mentions of alchemical ingredients. Essence of Raskovnik?11 There's also a large archive of emails here, I'll send all the information to you guys in a moment—

A loud sealing noise is heard in the room.

Pierce: What was that? Nearly gave me a heart attack.

LOI/POI-3533: Markus, I'm real sorry we had to do this. You won't understand, but we need this place.

At this point, a feminine voice is heard over the loudspeaker of the factory.

Intercom: Attention all factory workers, please evacuate immediately.

Pierce: What did you do?

LOI/POI-3533: No, you did this. You forced us to do this.

Intercom: Halogen suppression system activated.

Pierce: Oh, no.

A mechanical whirring is picked up, followed by the sounds of ventilation.

Pierce: Command, you need to send someone immediately!

Command: They are en route to your location, but—

Pierce: But what?

Command: Did you secure the files and send them to uplink?

Pierce: Yes. What should I do?

Command checks and confirms the receipt of the information, select excerpts can be found in Addendum 3533.3.

Pierce: Command? I'm feeling a bit light-headed here.

Command: The room is filling with inert gas, Pierce. You are going to lose consciousness very shortly.

Pierce: Command, I—

Pierce is heard slurring and becoming incomprehensible. Shortly after, contact with Agent Pierce is lost. Reinforcements arrive onsite and LOI/POI-3533 is contained. The body of Elizabeth Carden was not identified, but further interactions suggest she may still be alive. LOI/POI-3533 has generally been hostile to all forms of life that enter the facility since.

Addendum 3533.3: LOI/POI-3533 Select Employee Email Correspondences

+ access LOI-POI-3533_email.log

cd ..

Subject: RE: Welcome!

To: fmiller@████████manufacturing.com

From: kbaldwin@████████manufacturing.com

Frank,

Happy to be aboard! Yes, I'm settling in fine, everyone here has been very professional so far. Excited to see that 'secret project' they have us working on. I'm sure my experience with polymers will come in handy, though I can't help but feel some imposter syndrome without knowing the fine print.

See you soon,

Karen

Subject: MEKP Delivery

To: kbaldwin@████████manufacturing.com

From: gthompson@███████████.com

Karen,

The latest batch of methyl-ethyl ketone peroxide is arriving on Tuesday. I know you probably know this already, but try to avoid getting that stuff on you, especially when it is catalyzing. I've seen some nasty burns in my time and 30000 gallons is the largest I've ever had to ship in one go before.

Seriously though, all your employees need to be real careful about this stuff. And don't smoke within a mile of the building, just to be safe.

Sincerely,

George Thompson

████ ██ █████ Supply

[CONTACT INFORMATION REDACTED]

Subject: RE: New formula for Conceptua-Cleaner (Working Title)

To: fmiller@████████manufacturing.com

From: rsorisi@█████.██████████.com12

Good afternoon,

I've been looking at these new formula proposals and, I've got to say, I'm impressed. How exactly do you plan on actually making this work? The runes you were supplied do not have sufficient output for this kind of impartation. I'm not sure I quite understand the epistemology behind this 100% just yet, so please send me more details on case files 000584-000590 at your earliest convenience.

Thanks,

Rose Sorisi, Head of Innovative Strategics

S. C. Johnson and Son Corporate West Coast Division

[CONTACT INFORMATION REDACTED]

Subject: EMPLOYEE NOTICE

To: mjacobs@████████manufacturing.com, kbaldwin@████████manufacturing.com and 29 others

From: fmiller@████████manufacturing.com

A note to all employees,

This is a friendly reminder that Conceptua-Cleaner is not a toy and using it for recreation is prohibited on factory grounds. Not only is it dangerous and unpredictable at this stage, I figured some of you were old enough to know not to go playing with household cleaners.

I don't care how funny you think it is- a cronut has already been invented and those are all safe to eat. Don't do it again.

Frank

Subject: Formula 000589

To: fmiller@████████manufacturing.com

From: kbaldwin@████████manufacturing.com

Frank,

Latest samples have shown a marked increase in duration of effect. The actual softening is happening at a faster rate as well. I'm going to try adjusting these inscriptions. I know what corporate said about output, but I think I might be able to boost it with a little modification. I'll let you know how it turns out. We're still having some inconsistent results- I'm aiming for uniform approximation across the board.

Karen

Subject: Rebranding Conceptua-Cleaner

To: fmiller@████████manufacturing.com

From: rsorisi@█████.██████████.com

Frank,

The consumer product board of S. C. Johnson has decided that Conceptua-Cleaner is being renamed 'Metaphysiclean!'. I personally don't like it, but don't tell them I said that. New labels are being shipped from ████████'s printing company, I presume you will receive them within the next week. Please migrate all data and adjust production to fit this.

Thanks,

Rose Sorisi, Head of Innovative Strategics

S. C. Johnson and Son Corporate West Coast Division

[CONTACT INFORMATION REDACTED]

Subject: Incident - 09/28/1997

To: fmiller@████████manufacturing.com

From: hr@████████.com

There was a mishap down in your testing labs today, apparently they had misjudged the potency of the formula and now we have one person down here with two mouths and they're both yelling at me. They are considering pursuing a legal route due to sustained mental trauma. I know they'll be fine eventually, but they are willing to make a show of this if they aren't compensated.

Please schedule a good time for review of after-action reports and case notes, at your earliest convenience.

Lisa Thompson

████████ Human Resources Department

Subject: Reckitt Benckiser's smear campaign (no pun intended)

To: kbaldwin@████████manufacturing.com

From: fmiller@████████manufacturing.com

It seems some of the lab jockeys over at Benckiser have been working on something similar to 'Metaphysiclean!' for a while now, and they aren't happy about us having the superior product! Check out these forum posts. We're living rent-free in their heads! Our cleaners will always be number one! Thanks to you, anyhow.

Frank

(dead links removed)

Subject: RE: Reckitt Benckiser's smear campaign (no pun intended)

To: fmiller@████████manufacturing.com

From: kbaldwin@████████manufacturing.com

Frank,

I think they might be up to something. Everyone in the company just got a blank email from one of their domains. Not sure what that was about, but you should probably adjust our spam filters appropriately in case this happens again.

Karen

Subject: Just checking in.

To: rsorisi@█████.██████████.com

From: fmiller@████████manufacturing.com

Good afternoon,

I'm sending this message because we've been having difficulty contacting you or any of the S. C. Johnson affiliates over the phone about a recent spam email situation we had from one of your competitor corporations. If you could just shoot me a response to let me know all is well, it would definitely be appreciated.

Regards,

Frank

Subject: Testing

To: rsorisi@█████.██████████.com

From: fmiller@████████manufacturing.com

Please respond to this message if you have received it. Some of us are getting worried, and they can't contact their families.

Frank

Subject: (no subject)

To: rsorisi@█████.██████████.com, gkonstantinou112@███████.com and 43 others

From: fmiller@████████manufacturing.com

Can anyone see these messages?

Please respond.

Frank

Subject: (no subject)

To: rsorisi@█████.██████████.com

From: fmiller@████████manufacturing.com

Employee morale is very low. Some crew appear disoriented. I'm not sure if we exist anymore. One of the forklift drivers is having a meltdown as we speak.

I don't know. There isn't much else to say.

Frank

Footnotes

1. That is to say, the liquid is comprised of itself and its respective compounds, the concept of itself, the concept of lemon-scented, and the concept of household spray cleaners simultaneously and exclusively at any given time.

2. Efficacy of the spray has increased by 25% since 2003.

3. Classification of which as a Group of Interest currently pending administrative approval.

4. Mus musculus.

5. It is to note that SCP-3533's label clearly states to avoid getting the substance on skin or in eyes but does not provide a way to wash affected area and warns against flushing the eyes with water.

6. More specifically, the partial dissolution of subjective individual self-identity.

7. Both subjects insisted they were D-9765 and D-1954, but D-1954 could not state that there was a difference between them and that there were simply two designations for one personnel. Three observers corroborated this story, while the other two did not think of subjects as one person but a gestalt organism comprised of two beings.

8. See Addendum 3533.3 for more information.

9. No evidence of this phenomena has been recorded, it is possible they have antimemetic qualities as well. It is unknown how LOI/POI-3533 would acquire these supplies if they were placed outside of the building in the first place.

10. It is likely these accounts are automatically paid and are not detectable to S. C. Johnson's Human Resources departments. Still, it is unknown how LOI/POI-3533 knows this information and why it needs payment in any sense regardless, or if this information is factual at all. An audit of S. C. Johnson's finances is considered a possibility.

11. Raskovnik is a mythical plant in Slavic folklore. It is also to note that in many texts, the herb is notoriously difficult to identify.

12. Mrs. Sorisi was contacted and expressed no knowledge of SCP-3533 or any memory of this email. Supplied Class-B Amnestics and released.