Item #: SCP-1840-J

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1840-J is not currently contained. Any telephone calls directed to the Foundation by SCP-1840-J should be re-routed immediately to Researcher Seaward. Under no circumstances should unauthorized personnel in contact with SCP-1840-J agree to purchase, rent, lease, borrow or take any item, object or being offered by the SCP-1840-J entity or through associated third parties. If any Foundation personnel are already in possession of an object or being obtained through SCP-1840-J, they are under strict instruction to promptly turn in the object or being, with full amnesty being granted if the SCP-1840-J customer can demonstrably prove that the purchase was made before the Foundation was aware of SCP-1840-J hazardous properties.

Description: SCP-1840-J exhibits traits of what is commonly referred to as a telemarketer. SCP-1840-J will periodically approach Foundation personnel in any capacity over a telephone and offer a brief and often exaggerated description of a item in its possession, followed by a negotiable price and means of payment, which is usually, although not always, SCP-1840-J supplying a location where the purchased item may be found, instructing the customer to leave the agreed amount of money in that location. SCP-1840-J has always honored its agreement with the customer. SCP-1840-J's voice is similar to that of a young male with a cheerful and arrogant temperament.

Items offered by SCP-1840-J are occasionally of simple monetary or curiosity value, such as fossilized dinosaur remains or diamond rings, but are more often anomalous artifacts of potency that ranges from Safe to highly dangerous Euclid-level artifacts. Researcher Seaward is under orders to purchase any item of sufficient threat for immediate containment. Despite the potentially huge monetary value of items sold by SCP-1840-J, the prices it opens with are usually extremely conservative, with a case of a Euclid-level artifact being bought for less than £5,000. SCP-1840-J displays a willingness to negotiate prices, and has been observed to accept less than 30% of the starting value. It will also occasionally offer items for free if a customer has proven sufficiently entertaining to it.

+ Log 1840A SCP-1840 First Contact

- Log 1840A SCP-1840 First Contact

[CALL BEGINS 12:41, 12/08/███]

Dr. Richter: —sorry, I must take this. Ah, hello?

SCP-1840-J: Hi there! Dr. Richter? Just the man. I have quite the offer for you today. Listen to this—how would you like to own a real-life fossilised dinosaur bone? Genuine article. Barely used!

Dr. Richter: What? Who is this? How—wait. In what sense is a dinosaur bone ‘barely used’?

SCP-1840-J: Well, y’see, this fossilised tibia is a big 65 million years old, and it’s only been inside a dinosaur for a tiny, tiny fraction of that time. It’s practically fresh!

Dr. Richter: Who are you? How did you get my number?

SCP-1840-J: Alright, I admit it. Previous owner wasn’t careful. Got blown up by an asteroid. Nice burn marks though. Oh, c’mon! I’m only asking for a fair go. I know archaeologists who’d sell their own tibia bone for a chance at this beauty. It’s a Tyrannosaur bone. King of the Jungle! Or the primordial swamp, really.

Dr. Richter: I don’t—

SCP-1840-J: Yeah, we’ll call it a round one thousand. And that is a low, low price because I’m feeling so generous today. You’ll be doing me a favour, friend, what with my dog filing for divorce and my wife at the vet. I mean—oh, whatever. I was lying. Alright, we'll call it eight hundred and that’s a scandal, it really is.

Dr. Richter: Is this some sort of prank? Researcher Daley! Trace this call immediately! What is your name, sir? I am a senior researcher at this facility, and I will not stand for juvenile—

SCP-1840-J: Oh, twist my arm! Five. Five hundred. Final offer. We’re talking a genuine fossilized Tyrannosaur bone here. Once in a lifetime stuff. You really can’t put a price on the pride of owning the remains of a vicious super-predator. Well, I did it anyway and it’s a round four hundred. Last chance.

Dr. Richter: I have no intention of buying anything, and when I find out who is the perpetrator of this childish prank, you will be extremely sorry! Good day to you!

[CALL ENDS]

+ Log 1840B SCP-1840 Second Contact

- Log 1840B SCP-1840 Second Contact

[CALL BEGINS 16:12 14/08/███]

Researcher Davis: Uh, hi?

SCP-1840-J: Hey there, miss! Now, I have quite the little gem for a sweet young lady like yourself. Alright, consider this—for the price of a mere thousand pounds, you, little lady, could be the owner of the gift of beauty. Ultra rare. Especially around these parts.

Researcher Davis: Oh—Christ. Is this one of those confidence boost things? Like you direct me to a mirror or something and there’s a message saying ‘Ta-Da! You’re already beautiful!’ or something? Because that’s just—

SCP-1840-J: Actually it’s more of an injected nanotechnological genetic resequencer, but I could set up that mirror thing too if you like. I could set up all kinds of motivational messages if you want. ‘We Know What We’re Doing, Honestly’, that would be good for Foundation employees. ‘How Can Lead Researchers Sleep at Nights? They Don’t.’ Hey, I’m good at this. I can print. We’ll call it fifty for a pack of a hundred messages. Hey, and you’ll feel good without a risk of nanobots consuming your face. Forget I said that.

Researcher Davis: Hey, whoever you are, this isn’t funny. It really isn’t. I can’t help being—

SCP-1840-J: Yeah, you’re right. You people have no idea what you’re doing, do you? And sleep-deprivation-related mania probably isn’t funny either. Alright, scrap that. This resequencer thing’s still on offer though. The girlfriend used it. Completely unrecognisable. In a good way. Gorgeous eyes. Amazing hair. Great body. She could have any man she wanted. Probably why she left me. Seriously, you’ll kick yourself forever if you turn this down. What do you say?

Researcher Davis: [sarcastically] Oh sure. Can you send me a free sample?

SCP-1840-J: No can do, I’m afraid. It’s all sealed together in a magnetic storage core to stop the nanobots…look, the nanobots can get pretty vicious. They’ll resequence anything’s genes. They got to my dog once. Spliced it with a millipede. Vision of hell. Fast, though, and sticks to walls, so I suppose that’s something. Anyway, It’s all or nothing. Okay, seven hundred. C’mon, you believe me right? You work for the Foundation. You know this universe has the pants of insanity firmly on its head. Gene-resequencing nanobots are practically normal. Six hundred pounds for a lifetime of beauty. Waddaya say?

Researcher Davis: [sarcastically] Yeah, yeah. Leave it in the park at midnight and I’ll collect it. Hoot like an owl or something.

SCP-1840-J: Perfect! Excellent. I knew you were a girl with taste. Can’t thank you enough. Damn Harlequin’s breathing down my neck. We’ll keep it covert. Dead drop. I’ll leave the containment core under the green bridge in the park two blocks away. And get it quickly, the nanobots are restless recently. Cannibalized my phone and spliced it with my neighbour’s weasel. Unusual, but still highly functional.

Researcher Davis: Jesus Christ, you sound completely serious. You think I’m going to go to the park and grub around under a bridge for your ‘containment core’? You think I want to get spliced with a fly?

SCP-1840-J: They recognise human tissue. You’ll be fine. Completely fine! I’m serious about getting this core though. These nanobots are sadistic bastards. They’ll splice anything together. Swans, squirrels, and children nearby. Dread to think. Anyway, pleasure doing business with you!

[CALL ENDS]

Researcher Davis has been commended for her prompt containment of the item now dubbed SCP-████ and not using it for her own purposes. However, several nanobots escaped, leading to the creation of several cases of SCP-███

SCP-1840-J claims to be an extremely wealthy human in possession of a large collection of anomalous artifacts. It frequently alludes to being pursued by a being it identifies as an ‘Unbound Harlequin’, forcing him to sell the collection in the hope of being harder to trace.

The known and recorded interactions of SCP-1840 with the Foundation began with two telephone calls, accumulating in a five-part interview with Ex-Researcher Richter, after which all interactions were recorded but have grown increasingly sporadic after Incident 1840-A

+ Interview Log 1840P (Item: SCP-1840-A)

- Interview Log 1840P (Item: SCP-1840-A)

SUBJECT: SCP-1840

INTERVIEWER: Dr. Richter

TIME/DATE: 13:08 20/09/████

SCP-1840-J: Hey—HEY, Doc! You’re looking good today, very, very, red-faced and angry. Outstanding. You’re going to love what I’ve got for you today.

Dr. Richter: Shut it, you bastard. You’ve been harassing me for months now! Quit the games! How did you learn of this organisation and facility? How did you learn about me? You may as well give it up and tell me. Our resources are vast. We will find you!

SCP-1840-J: That’s adorable, Doc. Okay, okay—let me start with a question. How’s the wife?

Dr. Richter: She’s dead.

SCP-1840-J: That’s fantastic. Out on the prowl again, eh, Doc? Rawr! Watch out ladies! But let’s talk business. I have something that will make you completely irresistible. You’ll love this. Guess how insects tell each other they’re in the mood? Pheromones! They can hardly help themselves when that stuff gets in the air! Amazing! Except humans don’t communicate through pheromones. Whatever. Doesn’t matter. Someone went ahead and invented the human romance pheromone anyway, and it’s as potent as hell. Beats cologne any day. I’m just throwing this out there, Doc, as you are—how can I put this delicately?—really, really fat. You’ll need it. I’ve got my entire stock up for sale. About one litre. You’ll be partying with a hundred sensuous beauties before you know it. And for you, my favourite customer? A mere six thousand.

Dr. Richter: I am saying this one last time: I will not purchase anything from you at any time, and I would ask you to never contact me again! Now! This is an interview, and I demand answers! Question one: How many, if any, Foundation personnel have purchased items through you, and if so, what are their names and what did they purchase?

SCP-1840-J: Oh, I’ve sold about…four items. Yes. Four. First one was to a delightful young lady. Purchased a nanotechnological genetic resequencer. Fantastic sale. One of my favourites. I got rid of that damn thing, and I think you managed to hunt down all the genetic hybrids before they did too much damage. Excellent job. I did warn her about the importance of containing the nanobots properly, but the swan people threw the Harlequin off my tracks for a while, so actually everything turned out fine.

Dr. Richter: You…you mean the cases of SCP-████? We had to shoot them down! They all died! Were you responsible? Answer me!

SCP-1840-J: Yeah, It was probably less fine from where they were sitting. Whatever. Okay, so you don’t want the pheromones? Too bad. How about this then: This very special tabloid newspaper. Plenty of pictures. Except it doesn’t show celebrities doing real things, it shows the stuff you wish they did. Secret homosexual affairs. Satan worship. Punch-ups. Actually being interesting people. It’s like you have the dirt on everyone. E-mail the pictures off to the tabloids. You’ll make a mint. The celebrities will deny everything, and explain how they couldn’t possibly be doing this stuff, but everyone will just think that means it must be true. Don’t you want to rub successful people’s faces in the mud a little bit? Just a little? Doc? Admit it. You do. We’re talking a round one K here. Completely, completely, non-negotiable. Alright. Five hundred.

Dr. Richter: [silent for several seconds] Alright. You sold one anomalous item, responsible for the creation of cases of SCP-████, to an unknown female. Very well. I think that concludes this session…

+ Interview Log 1840Q (Item: SCP-1840-B)

- Interview Log 1840Q (Item: SCP-1840-B)

SUBJECT: SCP-1840-J

INTERVIEWER: Dr. Richter

TIME/DATE: 5:02 23/09/███

SCP-1840-J: Why hel-lo, Dr. Richter! The slayer of incorrectly filed Incident Reports! The man of a million calories! Seriously now, it’s good seeing you, it really is. Say, you know what you look like? A man who is irritated about the wide prevalence of stars in this galaxy. This will become important later.

Dr. Richter: Good morning, SCP-1840. We are resuming the interview we had three days ago. And, to recap, I will never, ever, purchase, borrow, rent, or lease any item, entity or being from you or associated third parties. Do not attempt to sell me anything. I trust we can talk professionally this time?

SCP-1840-J: Let me answer that question with another question. You’re kind of a pathetic angry dickwad, aren’t you? Hear me out. Your colleagues laugh at you. Your superiors bully you. Deep down, Doc, you’re probably thinking ‘My God! What does it take to get some RESPECT around here?’ Well, I’ll tell you: extraterrestrial doomsday devices. THAT will make your colleagues sit up and take notice. This [EXPLETIVE] is brilliant. Genuine, honest-to-God, Solar-System-destroying stuff. It can force a supernova through a series of focusing wormholes until you have pencil-thin beam of matter arriving at 98% the speed of light. Someone gets in the way of that? Blip! Dog meat. Them and anything within the surrounding three light years. ‘Ethics?’ you may say. ‘Morality?’ ‘Justice?’ I like to answer those questions with ‘I command a star-destroying directed energy cannon. Get the hell offa my lawn, Ethics.’ We’ll start at a hundred K. A steal. No, really, It’s stolen. If the Pattern Screamer gets wind of it, well, there is a slight risk of messy extradimensional death.

Dr. Richter: Believe me, I have become quite accustomed to these interruptions. Refer your offer along to Doctor Seaward. Now. I believe we were dealing with the third item you successfully sold. I’d like you to describe the item you sold, and the person you sold it to.

SCP-1840-J: Huh? Oh yeah. Right. Second person was a…Researcher. Tom. Or was it Tim? Can’t remember. Wanted a new pet for his daughter. Something exotic. Well…I had this dog that was spliced with a millipede. Long story. His daughter adores it though. And the parents loved how brilliantly it was received by the neighbours. They all moved away and never came back. He can’t thank me enough. Made a sweet two thousand off that thing. And to think I once thought it an abomination and tried to shoot it. How foolish I was. I’m afraid that was my only millipede dog, but I’ve got this weasel spliced with a phone if you’d like it. Cute. Functional. Nibbles your ear. Purrs when you send a text. We’ll call it a tenner. If you want more genetic abominations, I’m gonna have to need my nanobots back.

Dr. Richter: So that’s one SCP entity, of minimal threat level, currently in the custody of two unknown Foundation researchers and a juvenile, the male researcher possibly named ‘Tom’ or ‘Tim’. Very well. [sighs] We’ll come back to that. The third item you sold was what alerted us to your presence. You sold an anomalous artifact to a 24-year-old male employed by the Foundation as a Junior Researcher in studies relating to SCP-████. I would like you to discuss these events in your own words.

+ Interview Log 1840R (Item: SCP-1840-C)

- Interview Log 1840R (Item: SCP-1840-C)

[This log has been cross-filed with Incident Report ████████]

SCP-1840-J: Oh yeah. That was a good one. I wasn’t on the sell that time, I was just relaxing back at home with a drink in hand. Completely shagged out after another day on the run from the Harlequin. Had to lie low in a strip club for eight hours. Grueling, man. Well, like I said, I was at home, when your Researcher…

Dr. Richter: Mr. T. Wales.

SCP-1840-J: Right, Terry. He phones me up. Said he got my number from someone. Wants to know if I’ve got anything that’ll get him a promotion. ‘I’ve been slaving away studying SCP-████ for three years now’ he says to me ‘I want a promotion and a transfer. I’ve got cash.’ So I hunt through my collection, and guess what? Performance-enhancing drugs. Origins and manufacturer unknown. Six syringes in a plastic box, marked ‘Batch 1679’ and ‘Evolutionary Stimulus. Testing only.’ Well, I’d managed to shake the Unbound Harlequin around Prague, but she was on my scent again and at this stage I’m not going to be all picky over safety. He had the money and was willing. Sold it. Hundred pounds.

Dr. Richter: Are you aware of what happened next?

SCP-1840-J: Well, he had to go inject himself right away, didn’t he? I was barely a block away when I heard the screams. I was horrified. I looked back. Park was awash with blood. Cars torn apart. Survivors screaming for help. It was just terrible. I mean it, I really do. I can’t live with myself. I just can’t live with myself knowing that I’ve made it even easier for the Harlequin to find me. God, can you imagine how I feel right now?

Dr. Richter: Yes, your drug appeared to have accelerated Mr. T. Wales through several million years of evolution into a sort of mammalian super-predator, before causing him to detonate. I suppose you realise thirteen people died?

SCP-1840-J: Jeez, man, you don’t have to rub it in. I feel awful. I really do. I can see the park from my apartment. They still haven’t finished repairing the damage. It’s a constant reminder. A constant reminder that the Harlequin is closing in on my sweet ass.

Dr. Richter: Thank you. We will resume this tomorrow…

+ Interview Log 1840S (Item: SCP-1840-D)

- Interview Log 1840S(Item: SCP-1840-D)

[This log has been cross-filed with Incident Report 1840-A]

SUBJECT: SCP-1840-J

INTERVIEWER: Dr. Richter.

TIME/DATE: 9:07 24/09/███

SCP-1840-J: Well slap my thigh and call me Susan, if it isn’t Dr. Richter himself! The man of action! The man of mystery! Please, regale me with some tale of your magnificence, my liege!

Dr. Richter: Good afternoon. I have a strange feeling you’re going to try and sell me something.

SCP-1840-J: Right on the money. I’d like to open this with a little mental image. Imagine, doctor, a desert. Wide. Endless. A huge infinity of sand. Nothing but the endless animal silence. But as you look around you, you see a small black speck crawling up one of the sand dunes. A baby camel. Lost. Staggering pointlessly onwards. The hot sand blowing in its eyes. Bleating for help. It staggers. Crawls back to its feet. Stumbles forward again.

And then high above in the azure sky, a small dark speck begins to circle. Then another. And another. Vultures. Preparing to feed. They circle lower…and lower…and the camel finally slumps into the dust, chest heaving, eyes staring, getting dim…and the first vulture settles on top of its exhausted body-cruel beak arching forward—

And that, Dr. Richter, is when the lamb bleats faintly—and then rips the head off the nearest vulture! It runs amok, killing left and right, until all the foul scavengers are mere piles of twisted flesh and settling feathers! For this is no ordinary baby camel, Dr. Richter, this is the Axtria Mock Camel, a strange creature that cunningly looks and acts like a starving baby camel in order to lure vultures to their untimely doom!

Dr. Richter: I see. And why should I buy one?

SCP-1840-J: I’m not asking you to buy it. I’m asking you to take it off my hands. I can’t control it. I’ve tried to kill it more times than I can count. It looks like a clumpy awkward quadruped but it moves like a snake. You should try getting it past customs. I can usually pass it off as a camel, but not when it’s gnawing on the bones of sinners.

Dr. Richter: Refer your offer along to Dr. Seaward, as usual. Now. I believe you are about to discuss the fourth and final sale you made.

SCP-1840-J: Sure, sure. So the final sale was just a week ago, actually. Best one yet. Except for the first one. That was the best as well. Sold four items at once. I got a call. You’re gonna love this. A D-Class had fallen in love with one of her Researchers. Real sweet. Ahh, true love. Who can understand its ways? I personally would have a few reservations about the man sending me into almost certain death against ravening sea serpents, but, ehhh, who am I to talk. Anyway, she wanted to bust herself and the Researcher out of here. She’d got it all planned. But she needed weapons. Explosives. A escape vehicle. A distraction. Yes, yes, yes and YES, Doc, I had those.

Dr. Richter: Am I to understand that a D-Class is preparing to breach a Foundation facility? My—my God! What did you sell her? Where is she?

SCP-1840-J: Oh it was amazing. Didn’t have the nerve to charge her. Who am I to stand in the way of love? So I gave her the deadliest stuff I had. Great to finally get rid of it. She said ‘Weapons’, and I said ‘Ex-Soviet Cyclic Charge Projector’. She said ‘Explosives’ and I said ‘Matter Negating Gauntlet’. She said ‘Escape Vehicle’ and I said ‘The Wainwright Teleport Array’ She said ‘Distractions’ and I said—

Agent Ness: Uhh, Doctor? This camel isn’t supposed to be contained or anything, is it?

Dr. Richter: Oh. Oh my—

SCP-1840-J: I had to. The females are the worst. I thought they were going to start breeding. Don't scream, or you'll excite it.

Agent Ness: Jeez, is it supposed to have that many—AHHHHHHH! AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! MY ARM! IT TOOK MY ARM! AHHHHHHH-ughhh…

[CLOSE EXPLOSION. CLOSE GUNFIRE. SILENCE. DOOR OPENS]

D-27893: Come with me, Doctor! Come with me and we shall vanquish all foes with our love!

Dr. Richter: I’m not sure—I don’t—uh—I mean, yes! YES! I’m coming, Sophie!

[D-27893 SHOOTS OUTSIDE]

D-27893: Take this, Erik! If we should fail, my love, then I will gladly die beside you than live a life apart!

Dr. Richter: M—Matter Negating Gauntlet! YES! ‘TWO-CHAIRS’ WAS IT, ALAN? I’LL SHOW YOU ‘TWO-CHAIRS!’

[ELECTRONIC BUZZ. COLLAPSING MASONRY. SCREAMING]

D-27893: Ha! They run like bugs! Shoot the pillar, darling, we have to seal off the Task Forces!

Dr. Richter: Make me reorganise my filing system, would you, ‘sir?’ Here’s what I think of YOUR system!

[ELECTRONIC BUZZ. COLLAPSING MASONARY]

Dr. Richter: Oh, to think I spent months reorganising my filing system! Oh, what a hugely advanced perspective on life a murderous woman and an arcane super weapon gives you!

D-27893: Teleporter’s charged! Take my hand!

[KISS. TELEPORTER ENGAGED. SILENCE]

SCP-1840-J: Hello? Guys? [silence] I wondered if you wanted this genuine homing tomahawk. Proper Native American stuff. Seeks out its target. Great for parties. Knocking apples off people’s heads and stuff. I thought it would be a great wedding present! No really, its on me. All the best and that. Impress the new lady with inexplicably great axe-throwing skills, eh, Doc? Doc? [silence] Damn.

[CALL ENDS]