OBJECT

By: Ampyrsand

Published on 16 Aug 2023 15:45

Item#: [OBJECT]

Containment Class: safe

Secondary Class: thaumiel

Disruption Class: dark

Risk Class: notice

Special Containment Procedures: An indeterminate number of [OBJECT] instances are to be held in Special Special Containers in Site-⌘. As for uncontained instances of [OBJECT], I wouldn't worry about it much. After all, Foundation disinformation authorities are to inform the public that the purpose of [OBJECT]s is unclear, despite the fact that they are obviously meant for [INTENDED PURPOSE]. Obviously.

At request of the Department of Surrealistics, [OBJECT] has been reclassified to Thaumiel as of last Thursday. Instances are to be used for [INTENDED PURPOSE] by Site-⌘ staff whenever necessary.

Above: An instance of [OBJECT] contained at Site-⌘.

Description: [OBJECT] refers to a type of small, hollow artifact, dodecahedral in shape and composed primarily of copper alloy, manufactured c. 2nd to 4th centuries AD within the Roman Empire. It is well-known that [OBJECT]s were created and used exclusively for [INTENDED PURPOSE].

At an indeterminate time in the past, the platonic concept of [OBJECT] underwent semiotic abstraction. As such, all extant [OBJECT]s cannot be conceptualized with specificity1, and their practical application can only be described within the bounds of "[INTENDED PURPOSE]". [OBJECT] instances are physically non-anomalous, possessing only this abstraction as an anomalous property. Otherwise, the existence of [OBJECT]s and their application to accomplish [INTENDED PURPOSE] is considered consistent with consensus normalcy.

Update 8.11.2023: Site-⌘ personnel love [OBJECT] at the workplace! Reports indicate that it increases efficiency in effective containment by up to 60%. They can't wait to use it for its [INTENDED PURPOSE]!

What's that? Still not convinced? Let's add a graph to help you understand.

You see? It's simple! Point conceptualization, use [OBJECT], and achieve [INTENDED PURPOSE]! We'll attach some examples for you, if that would help to understand. Just because you're our favorite researcher. Don't tell the others!

Aesthetics: [OBJECT] deployed. [OBJECT] constructs and adorns Site-⌘'s throne room, drastically increasing its aesthetic value. To confirm this, a Department of Aesthetics is created, with staff composed of blue swallowtail butterflies. Soon thereafter, the Department of Aesthetics confirmed a drastic increase following the use of [OBJECT] as a decor element. [OBJECT] achieved [INTENDED PURPOSE].

Persuasion: [OBJECT] deployed. Fearless Site Leader Irving Gat delivered inspiring and courageous speech to Department of Surrealistics chair Marcel Sequitur and the Overseer Council (not bears), emphasizing the need for an increase in agnostic production spending at Site-⌘. Or a decrease, depending on how you think about it, really. Budget adjustment approved. [OBJECT] achieved [INTENDED PURPOSE].

Crimefighting: [OBJECT] deployed. Spontaneous application of sixteen (16) on-site Gat-Hayes Semantic Stabilization Devices (GHSSDs) successfully prevents a hostile semantohazardous goblinoid divinity from switching the concepts of attempted pickpocketing and successful pickpocketing. [OBJECT] achieved [INTENDED PURPOSE].

Degenerate Art: [OBJECT] deployed. Gregor Samsa's administration in Surrealistan eases persecution of Dadaists including the Leafcutters and Weavers. Surreal foreign policy interests advanced for the Foundation. [OBJECT] achieved [INTENDED PURPOSE].

Hardware: [OBJECT] deployed. Six hundred and forty-eight thousand (648,000) wireless computer mice spontaneously manifest through an Einstein-Rosen Bridge in Site-⌘'s third-best room. Foundation expenditure on cheese and mouse traps drastically increases to deal with the situation, which Department of Surrealistics personnel universally agree is beneficial and necessary. [OBJECT] achieved [INTENDED PURPOSE].

Resentment: [OBJECT] deployed. Personnel report the creeping feeling that the Stars hate them back. [OBJECT] achieved [INTENDED PURPOSE].

Superheroics: [OBJECT] deployed. Omega-Man the Fantastic teams up with Warlock-Lord Agarnazarth to defend the Surreality from Shivering-Lungs, Pseudomalidramagiuan in the army of Ungodly Ziph, conqueror from the Certainty, may his name remain forever unremembered. [OBJECT] achieved [INTENDED PURPOSE].

Nonexistence:

Special Special Special Special: Heed.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

If you encounter an individual in possession of [OBJECT], do not panic. They are a responsible, law-abiding citizen, just as you are. All they want is to use the [OBJECT] for [INTENDED PURPOSE] and continue with their day. The concept of [OBJECT] is stable, and not prone to further semiophysical deterioration. Do not panic.

Footnotes

1. Instead, only general descriptions can reliably be applied: "Roman dodecahedron", "dodecahedral artifact", "[OBJECT]", "that thing", etc.