Item#: 7929

Containment Class: safe

Secondary Class: {$secondary-class}

Disruption Class: dark

Risk Class: notice

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-7929 is to remain in the Site-37 break room under 24/7 FISC1 surveillance. Staff are permitted to use the machine for its intended purpose.

SCP-7929

Description: SCP-7929 is a semi-automatic espresso machine with a built-in steam wand, temperature interface, and a manometer for measuring pressure during coffee extractions.

Though few in-person observations have been made of its anomalous properties, FISC footage of SCP-7929 has confirmed the appliance's capability for autonomous control of its internal and external components.

Discovery: SCP-7929 was discovered by HR Director Stanford Li on his way to work. He allegedly noticed the machine "on the side of the road, getting ruined by the rain" and decided he needed to "give it a new home." Shortly after he arrived on Site, the following footage was captured of Li installing and using the machine.

<Begin Log>

Li enters. He's soaked through with rain and carrying an equally soaked espresso machine, which he takes to the countertop and places down, before taking a rag from the sink to dry it off.

Once he's done, he looks it up and down.

The machine looks new, lacking stains or burnt in residue to inform otherwise.

He plugs it in, and the interface lights up.

Li: And they said there was no room in the budget for an espresso machine!

He saunters over to a nearby cupboard and grabs both a mug and some pre-ground beans. He then detaches the portafilter from the espresso machine, shakes a good amount of grounds in, then presses it into a puck with a tamper sitting on the countertop.

He reattaches the portafilter and places the mug beneath it, before toggling some switches to begin extraction.

The internal motor comes to life, whirring and vibrating the whole machine.

Li pumps his fist in the air.

As the pressure builds, the pointer on the machine's manometer begins to rise; moving slowly at first, before shooting to the nine bar mark.2

Li takes out his phone as espresso begins to drip into his mug.

As extraction continues, the pointer begins to rise, slowly climbing to the ten bar mark, then to eleven, then all the way to twelve.

Li glances at the dial. As he does, the pointer shoots back down to read nine. Li furrows his eyebrows, but gets a notification on his phone and returns to scrolling.

A few seconds pass.

The pointer begins to tremble as the gentle vibration of the motor turns to shaking, ringing out a steady bead of clinks and tings as the mug rattles on the grate below it.

Li looks up from his phone once more, reaching out a hand to steady the mug.

The shaking quickly becomes more violent, unsettling the machine from its place on the counter.

Li lets out a small gasp, dropping his phone on the countertop. He reaches out to stop the machine from moving, but it jumps and jitters, fighting his grip.

The pointer begins to erratically climb, jolting up once more, to ten, then twelve, and even further.

The machine jumps in place.

Li: Ack-

Li grabs the mug and steps back before it jumps again.

ZZzzt

Black smoke trails from an opening in the top of the machine.

Li: Shoot-

Li quickly unplugs it, waving away the cloud.

Once clear, he takes a seat at a nearby table, wiping his arm across his forehead.

He puts the mug to his lips and takes a sip of the espresso.

Li: Eugh-

He gags.

Li: Bitter.

He gets up and empties the mug into the sink.

<End Log>

Following this event, Li dumped SCP-7929 beside a trash skip situated just outside of Site-37.

Addendum 7929-1: During the night following SCP-7929's discovery and subsequent abandonment, FISC captured the following footage.

<Begin Log>

The feed opens on the back of Site-37. A single light illuminates a small patch of the ground in front of a large trash skip.

Through the silence, a scraping noise can be heard.

Soon, SCP-7929 can be seen slowly dragging itself into the spotlight, shifting and jumping in an erratic waddle until it reaches the light's center. Its power cable coils rapidly, pulling a banged up radio, side punctured by the plug, out of the darkness

It shakes in place for a moment, then the steam wand at its side twists and turns into the air. The radio crackles to life, broadcasting a solemn violin track. SCP-7929 wiggles a little, better centering itself in the spotlight, then freezes.

The music lulls. Both switches on SCP-7929's front suddenly toggle.

SCP-7929: Psst ts pssss…

A jets of steam escape the wand at varying speeds causing the pitch of each emanation to shift.

SCP-7929: Pst-ts pst pst-pssssssssssssssss…

The steam vents at varying speeds, causing the pitch of each emanation to shift.

SCP-7929: Ps-ps-ps…

The wand shakes, turning down slightly as the machine waddles a bit to the left.

SCP-7929: Thoot pst-pst tsi pss…

It waddles a bit to the right. The violin begins to crescendo.

SCP-7929: Thoot pst-pst tsi tsi…

It waddles back to the center of the spotlight, wand raising as it sings.

SCP-7929: Tsisss. tsi pst-pst-ps tsi-sssssssssssssss!

The temperature reading and pressure dial change to read 9.

SCP-7929: Tsi-si-Fwoosh!

It jumps in place, when it lands, the readings jolt to 10.

SCP-7929: Fwoooooosh!

Another jump, after which the readings shift to 11.

SCP-7929: Ps-Fwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~

The readings rapidly count to higher and higher numbers, the manometer maximizing and the temperature reading 999.

SCP-7929: Pst!

The wand lowers in one swift motion.

The machine pauses for a moment and silence returns. After about five seconds, it waddles back and to the left, the violin picking up once more.

SCP-7929: Tsi ps psit fwee ts-ts~

It prods a discarded disposable coffee cup out of the darkness.

SCP-7929: Pst-tsi ps-ps, tss-ps-ps-fwee ts!

It manages to hook the cup on the wand, and raises it into the air while waddling once more into the center of the light.

SCP-7929: Fwee-ts, pst-ts, fwee-pss~

Its readings shift to 9 once more.

SCP-7929: Tsi-fwoosh fwoom pst-FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~

It begins to rattle as it holds the high note, waving the coffee cup in back and forth in the air for ten seconds before suddenly stopping, and freezing in place.

Footsteps can be heard as the radio track fades.

Aldrich Morganthaler (Head of Anomalous Astrophysics) walks into frame. He pauses and looks around for a moment, before turning his attention to SCP-7929.

Morganthaler: Who left you out here?

He crouches down, lifts the disposable cup off the wand, then traces across the machine with his hands.

Morganthaler: Hm…

He glances to the left and sees the radio pierced by the machine's plug.

He uses the cord to pull it closer, detaches the plug, then briefly examines the radio.

Morganthaler: Huh…?

He tosses it into the nearby skip and returns his attention to SCP-7929.

Morganthaler: Let's get you inside then.

<End Log>

Immediately after this footage was captured, the following text message exchange occurred between Aldrich Morganthaler and Stanford Li.

Stanford.

Urgent inquiry.

aldrich its 3am why are you texting me?

You see, Stanford. While I was stargazing tonight I stumbled across quite the find in our back alleyways.

i told you last time to email Ethel your reports about raccoons

just let me sleep

goodnight

This is quite different to my encounters with rodents, Stanford!

ok morg

please just say what it is

Of course!

and?

I have located a pristine Espresso Machine, dumped just out back around site waste. I believe this is the lucky break we've been looking for, Stanford. Finally. Passable coffee.

oh

uh

about that yeah

Yes?

i put it there

doesnt work

Dysfunctional? It appears pristine to me, Stanford!

yeah no

something in the pump is busted

pressure is way off

basically blew up on me

Is that all?

hm?

You kids nowadays don't know how good you have it.

yeah?

You find a perfectly functional coffee machine and dump it just because it's a little finicky.

Back in my day you bought a good hearty appliance and kept it going for 30 odd years, whether it wanted to or not!

Nowadays. Oh, I have words. Wasteful, incompetent.

you can cut the rant morg

if its so easy just fix it

why do you even need me

Ah yes. The inquiry.

I seem to have forgotten my keycard inside.

Could you?

morg

your on thin ice

Approximately 30 minutes after this exchange, coinciding with Aldrich Morganthaler being noted “on thin ice” in the HR database, FISC captured the following log.

<Begin Log>

Aldritch Morganthaler enters the break room holding SCP-7929, balanced on top of which is a red metal box. He approaches and unloads everything onto the countertop then crouches, grunts, and straightens out his posture.

He removes a metal cover from the top of the machine and the pump switch flickers. Morganthaler glances at the switch, but disregards it, plunging a hand into its internals.

The pointer on the machine's front begins to bounce frantically around its dial as Morganthaler's hand searches, pauses, then grasps its internal tubing. Everything shudders as he firmly tugs, then suddenly, both tubes come loose, gurgling and bubbling, shooting a gush of water at Morganthaler.

Drenched, he wipes his hands down his shirt. The machine continues to tremble.

He approaches once more, this time using both hands to grasp the base of its water tank. A sucking noise can be heard as he heaves.

A long, strained moment passes, then with a thud, everything comes loose.

Air hisses from the steam wand as the now free tank lifts out of the frame, and in a moment, the shaking returns in force, reinforced by the now humming engine inside.

Morganthaler flips open the red box and grabs a screwdriver, which he uses to unscrew a second metal panel from the machine, then lifts it, revealing SCP-7929's inner workings.

He scans the wires, engines, and tubes, before focusing in on the OPV valve; which determines extraction pressure. He pauses, then drives his screwdriver into the valve.

The dial's reading maximizes as the constant tremor turns violent once more. Morganthaler's eyes strain as he focuses on the OPV valve, fighting to ensure his screwdriver stays in place.

His wrist flexes.

The machine stutters, power cable whipping in against the countertop.

Morganthaler jumps, startled, but keeps his grip on the screwdriver, using his other hand to steady the machine.

A twisting motion; a quiet hiss.

The pointer on the dial drops, trembling, and jerking around zero.

Morganthaler releases his grip on the machine, leaving it to softly tremble.

He reassembles the interior, reattaching and screwing in the second metal panel, returning the tank and its attaching tubes, and finally secures the first panel before plugging the machine in.

A jet of steam shoots from the steam wand, directly into Morganthaler's hand.

Morganthaler: Fuck-

His scalded hand shoots to his side as the other flicks switches to bring the machine to neutral status. He takes a step back from the still gently humming machine, then sighs and turns to the cupboard.

He goes through his personal coffee regiment: measuring, grinding, funneling, and tamping his coffee grinds, then once finished, attaches the portafilter to SCP-7929.

He places a mug beneath it, then begins extraction.

The pump whirs to life, pressure builds, and the pointer responds; shaking for a moment before accelerating up the gauge.

It lands at nine bars, and Morganthaler smiles.

20 seconds pass.

After a short wait, extraction finishes, and Morganthaler looks down at his fresh espresso. He swishes it around in the mug, then smells it.

He turns away from the machine and angles his head up slightly, eyes closed.

The pointer suddenly jerks, then quivers in place.

Morganthaler raises the mug to his lips.

The pointer slowly increases.

Morganthaler takes a long sip.

The pointer freezes.

He lowers the cup and smiles.

Morganthaler: Perfec-

SCP-7929: FWEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Confusion crosses Morganthaler's face as he hears the sighing whine, then turns to see SCP-7929 surrounded in a light veil of steam.

Morganthaler: What on earth?

<End Log>

Spurred by the emanation in the previous log, FISC footage was reviewed and SCP-7929's anomalous abilities were discovered. Per protocol, SCP-7929 was scheduled for relocation to Containment Locker 23, but this decision was overruled by HR Director Stanford Li, noting, "I don't care about precedent. This is wartime, and I- no we're- not gonna win this without coffee, accounting be damned."