Item #: SCP-4619-J

Object Class: Radix/Gevurah

Special Containment Procedures: One researcher is to be assigned to SCP-4619-J for an 8 hour period on weekdays. This researcher will be given weekends off, but not holidays.1

Description: SCP-4619-J is an anomalous radio capable of sending and receiving messages to its counterparts across an undefined number of alternate realities. The radio appears to have a counterpart in every instance of the SCP Foundation.

Addendum: The following logs contain transcripts of interviews conducted using SCP-4619-J.

Audio Log #1

<Begin Log>

Harkness: Hello, this is Richard with the Prime Foundation, aka the only one that matters. I'm hoping to talk to-

???: Wait, this is the first time I've gotten a message through here. Almost thought they assigned me to this anomaly because nobody wanted to work with me. My name is Mi-

Harkness: Okay, I'm gonna stop you there. Just answer my questions and you can go back to lounging around. Neither of us want to do this.

Mi-: Oh.

Harkness: I have this speech that they prepared for me. This is Richard with the- I already said that part. I'm hoping to talk to you today about the GoIs that exist within your reality to catalogue any differences between your version of them and ours. If you have any complaints about my tone or the contents of my speech within this conversation, please report it to my supervisors. This call may be recorded and is subject to monitoring.

Mi-: Do you really recite that speech every time?

Harkness: Of course not, it's just in this first log and then you'll never have to read it again.

Mi-: Oh cool, you guys have pataphysics too!

Harkness: Wish we didn't…

Sounds of shuffling paper can be heard.

Harkness: Anyways, to start off, does your reality contain an anomalous religion known as Fifthism.

Mi-: No, I don't think I've heard of that one.

Harkness: Really? They control a bunch of corporations and celebrities?

Mi-: Not ringing any bells.

Harkness: Do you not have Tom Cruise? What about Taylor Swift?

Mi-: Oh! We have those two down as members of the Thirdist Church.

Silence.

Harkness: Thirdist?

Mi-: Yeah. It's a religion that's associated with triangles and the number three.

Harkness: And what do they do exactly?

Mi-: They're mostly busy running Frito-Lay. They claim that they had extraterrestrial help building the pyramids, which is really cool.

Harkness: Mhm, and what is your opinion on Thirdism.

Mi-: I think they're a really cool organization. It's not even really a religion because they don't ask you to blindly believe in any miracles or deities or anything. They've actually helped me before with some financial stuff. I can show you this really awesome program that they told me about. You just have to invest-

Harkness: Yeah, I think we're done here. Thank you for your time but I actually have to move on to another Foundation.

Audio Log #6

<Begin Log>

Extraneous data removed.

Harkness: Does your reality have a Chaos Insurgency?

???: No. I don't think I've heard of that one before.

Harkness: Did you have a Red Right Hand at any point?

???: Yeah.

Harkness: And what happened to them?

???: Oh, they got into a disagreement with the Overseer Council and splintered off to create a different organization.

Harkness: Now we're getting somewhere. Why did they leave?

???: They thought torturing babies was bad.

Harkness: Excuse me?

???: Oh, don't tell me you're one of THOSE Foundations.

Harkness: No, back up. You torture babies?

???: Of course, what else does the SCP acronym stand for?

Harkness: Secure, Contain, Protect. That's what it's always stood for.

???: I think you got it wrong. It stands for Slaughter Children Please.

Silence.

???: What? We're not impolite monsters.

Harkness: I'm going to try my absolute best to ignore everything you just said. If they're not called the Chaos Insurgency, what did they name themselves?

???: The Order of Good Guys.

A groan can be heard in the background.

Harkness: Thank you for your time.

Audio Log #54

<Begin Log>

Extraneous data removed.

Harkness: What about a Church of the Broken God?

???: Ha, we used to have one of those.

Harkness: What happened to it?

???: Ambrose happened to it.

Harkness: I don't know what that means.

???: Well, the church started breaking up after some appliances came to life. It really shook up their whole religion. Chaz Ambrose offered some assistance, and then they had a rebrand.

Harkness: What type of rebrand?

???: Chaz got a new chain of seafood restaurants out of their old churches, and the church got a bigger following.

Harkness: Do they not worship Mekhane anymore?

???: No, they worship their broken cod now.

Harkness: You mean god?

???: Nope.

Audio Log #86

<Begin Log>

Extraneous data removed.

Harkness: You got a VKTM?

???: Pronounced like victim?

Harkness: That's the one.

???: Sure, they just own all the media companies, and some non-media companies, and some people.

Harkness: How much do they own?

???: Everything.

Harkness: Includin-

???: WATCH THE LIVE ACTION REMAKE OF [COGNITOHAZARD REMOVED] IN THEATERS ON OCTOBER 7TH!

Harkness: What the fuck?

???: GET THE LIMITED EDITION [COGNITOHAZARD REMOVED] PLUSHIES TODAY!

???: ORDER THE NEW HOLIDAY-THEMED [COGNITOHAZARD REMOVED] BURGERS AT MCDONALD'S BEFORE JANUARY 1ST!

SCP-4619-J is muted.

Silence.

Harkness: Where's my wallet? Those plushies sound really cool.

Audio Log #152

<Begin Log>

Harkness: Hello?

???: Hi, I’m with Alexylva University.

Harkness: Who?

???: Magic school?

Harkness: Are you like Deer College? There's a few magic schools, you know.

???: We're inspired by Rome? That ring any bells?

Silence.

???: We're literally at the top of the GoI list.

Silence.

Harkness: Never heard of you.

???: For fuck's sake.

??? is heard deactivating their variant of SCP-4619-J.

Footnotes

1. Anomalies still exist on Christmas, after all.