by J Dune

SCP-7960 - Self-Improvement Koala

you are bad at reading the infobox

Image Credits

Item#: 7960

Containment Class: euclid

Secondary Class: none

Disruption Class: vlam

Risk Class: notice

SCP-7960, taunting

Special Containment Procedures: One Foundation personnel will remain bonded to SCP-7960. Once bonded, this personnel is not permitted off-site. Their primary duties as Foundation staff will not be affected by this arrangement.

Description: SCP-7960 is a koala (Phascolarctos cinereus) that demonstrates average human intelligence. While SCP-7960 is biologically indistinguishable from an ordinary koala, the entity is capable of vocalization and comprehension of the English language. SCP-7960 is remarkably durable, as all attempts to harm the entity do not result in any observable damage.

SCP-7960 bonds itself to a single individual, clinging to their body. While SCP-7960 can be physically removed from the individual’s body, the entity will reappear on the host's body, necessitating the outlined containment procedures.

Once bonded, SCP-7960 will bombard the host with deprecating remarks. It has stated that its grand objective is to “improve” the host through negative reinforcement. The Foundation has observed that SCP-7960 is largely ineffective.

SCP-7960 will remain bonded to a host until their death, upon which a successive host can be named. If no host is named, SCP-7960 will bond itself to the nearest individual.

Addendum.7960.1: History

SCP-7960 came into the Foundation’s possession after the discovery of a mail-order advertisement in a June, 1957 issue of RIFLEKID: FUN WITH GUNS, an American comic book released by now-defunct publisher Odyssey. A transcript of the ad has been replicated below.

THAT’S NOT A MONKEY ON YOUR BACK, KIDDO, THAT’S

SELF-IMPROVEMENT KOALA

DID YOU KNOW YOU’RE THE PROBLEM? PREPARE TO BE REMINDED.

ONCE HE’S ACTIVATED, NO MORE LITTLE BOY. IT’S TIME FOR A LITTLE MAN!

THERE’S ONLY ONE SELF-IMPROVEMENT KOALA. HE IS FOREVER.

$2000!

The mailing address listed alongside the advertisement was made out to the offices of GoI-323, "Better-Youth", a known distributor of occult goods. SCP-7960 was purchased by the Foundation, and immediately bonded with Area-179 Sanitation head Paul Duffy, who was closest to the entity when it was being removed from the wooden crate it was shipped in. Duffy served as the containment specialist for SCP-7960 up until his death in 2022. Ian Wu, an intern who served under Duffy, had willingly volunteered to become SCP-7960’s next host. Wu was fully briefed on the specifics of SCP-7960's containment prior to acceptance.

Selected logs of Wu’s interactions with SCP-7960 have been included below.

Addendum.7960.2: Logs

Context: First interaction between Wu and SCP-7960.

Wu sits at his terminal, editing a document. SCP-7960 slowly crawls into the room, and begins to climb Wu’s body.

Researcher Wu: Oh, hey, buddy. Hi!

SCP-7960: You are bad at your job.

Researcher Wu: (Laughs) Yeah, I’m trying.

Wu resumes typing.

SCP-7960: You are bad at your job.

Wu is not deterred. He continues to type, and then pauses.

SCP-7960: The average American types at 90 words per minute. Your typing speed is 30 words per minute.

Researcher Wu: Hold on, I’m thinking.

SCP-7960: You are bad at thinking.

Context: Wu is presenting a report before a panel of researchers.

Wu stands in front of a slideshow. SCP-7960 clings to his back.

Researcher Wu: And so, the crux of Dr. Carlton’s research here states that every anomalous event can be fit into a versatile model, named the—

SCP-7960: You are bad at public speaking.

Researcher Wu: Um, named the Four-Point Way Module.

SCP-7960: Eliminating filler words such as ‘um’ and ‘uh’ from your vocabulary will make you a better person. You are still an intern because you are naturally uncharasmatic.

Researcher Wu: The first variable that needs to be obsessed is underlying chance.

SCP-7960: Assessed.

Researcher Wu: Which— which states that— underlying chance refers to grander metaphysical implications surrounding an anomalous— an anomalous event.

Wu is silent for several seconds. He closes his eyes, and exhales before continuing.

Researcher Wu: (Whispering) Please, stop…

SCP-7960: You are bad at convincing me.

Context: Wu is using a microscope to aid in the research of an experimental, artificial microbe.

Wu leans over the microscope. SCP-7960 sits on the counter beside him. The entity turns the microscope off.

SCP-7960: Don’t use this.

Researcher Wu: Turn it back on, don’t do this now.

SCP-7960: You are bad at seeing.

Researcher Wu: Fuckhead, turn it on.

SCP-7960: Prehistoric men with bad eyesight would not have been able to detect predators in the distance. You and your bloodline would have died.

Researcher Wu: Please? Seriously, turn it back on.

SCP-7960: Men used to go to war. Now they wear glasses.

Wu angrily grabs SCP-7960, lifting it.

SCP-7960: Weak men kill animals. Do better.

Researcher Wu: Fucking pointless. I can’t do this shit.

Wu calls over a lab assistant to analyze the microbe, moving away from the counter. SCP-7960 materializes on his back. It points to the assistant.

SCP-7960: She is good at science.

Context: Wu is watching television inside his dorm.

SCP-7960: You are bad.

Researcher Wu: (Sighs) At what?

SCP-7960: Everything.

Wu lunges from the couch, attempting to strangle SCP-7960. The entity hisses and claws, scratching him.

Researcher Wu: You motherfucker, you scratch now?

SCP-7960: If a woman saw you lose a fight against a koala, she would lose all interest in you, sexually. You would no longer be able to function as a man. If you had sex, I would make comments and refuse to leave the room. This is why you're afraid to approach women.

Wu moves into the kitchen, gasping as he washes out his wound.

Researcher Wu: What the fuck is with you and the— the sexism?

SCP-7960: I am good at understanding the world.

Context: Wu is attempting to study for an exam intended to gauge his competency as Foundation staff, with potential to be given a promotion upon completion.

Wu flips a page, and types out a note.

SCP-7960: You are going to fail.

Wu increases the volume of his headphones.

SCP-7960: You are going to fail.

Wu reaches towards his ear. SCP-7960 rips off his headphones, breaking them.

Researcher Wu: What the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? Those were hundred dollar headphones, and I’m trying to study so I can get ahead in my career! Wouldn’t you want that? Do you want me to fucking fail? I’m trying to improve myself, you’re literally the problem!

SCP-7960: There are people younger than you that make more money, have more sex, and are more successful. You already failed.

Researcher Wu: Did you do this to Duffy? Serious.

SCP-7960: Yes. But he was bad at self-improvement. That’s why he died.

Context: Wu is waiting for the computer to process the results of his assessment test.

Wu stands outside of the exam room. SCP-7960 sits on his shoulder.

Researcher Wu: Thanks for being quiet in there. I really, really appreciate that. I'll get you some… sticks or whatever the fuck.

SCP-7960: I wouldn’t want to disturb the other test-takers. That would be impolite since they studied hard.

An exam proctor opens the door.

Proctor: Please remove your exam cards now. If the color of the circle in the center of the paper is green, proceed to room 2A in three hours for your results. Congratulations, you passed. If there is no color in the circle, thank you for your continued efforts.

Wu removes his exam card. There is no color in the circle.

SCP-7960 stares at Wu, smiling. Wu places his hand on his mouth, quivering.

Researcher Wu: Just say it. Say it. It's true. Whatever you're going to say is true.

SCP-7960 is silent. It continues to smile.

Following this, Dr. Wu climbed to the top of Area-179’s helipad and threw himself from the roof, a fall of 75 feet. He was given immediate medical attention, resulting in the treatment of over three dozen broken bones and severe head trauma. Wu sustained a stable, neurologically intact condition, but was placed on medical leave until further notice.

The following log occurred shortly after Wu's condition was stabilized.

Wu lays in the hospital bed, wearing a full body cast. He slowly regains consciousness.

SCP-7960 sits at the foot of the bed.

SCP-7960: You are bad at killing yourself.