COFFEE???!??

BY ORDER OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL

The following file is Level 3/4944 classified. Unauthorized access is forbidden.

4944

3/4944 LEVEL 3/4944

CLASSIFIED

Item #: SCP-4944

Object Class: Safe

SCP-4944 prior to containment.

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-4944 has been stored in an open containment cell1 large enough to accommodate SCP-4944. Caffeinated fluid is to be brought to SCP-4944 every two days unless a test is being conducted, which must be approved by personnel with clearance level 4 or higher. Drains are to be installed in the ground of Site-876-C in case of a failure to bring caffeine. Drains are only to be blocked if a test if being conducted.

Description: SCP-4944 is the designation given to two perspectives of the same object, SCP-4944-A, the appearance of a coffee machine, and SCP-4944-B, the actual physical body of SCP-4944. SCP-4944-B resembles a 100 meter long cargo vessel. Although the name cannot be deciphered, the architecture of the hull and stern of the ship can imply that the intended use of SCP-4944-B was to import exotic goods2 from Brazil to North America. When viewed directly3, SCP-4944-A has the appearance of a standard Keurig brand coffee machine, circa 2012-2016. Although bearing the appearance of a Keurig brand coffee machine, 3-dimensional digital mapping reveals the actual shape of SCP-4944 as SCP-4944-B. Although seemingly transparent, SCP-4944-B still exists physically, creating the illusion that an invisible border exists around SCP-4944-A.

A 3-dimensional digital map of SCP-4944's physical body outlined in red. Note that SCP-4944-A is not visible in the image.

If any form of caffeine enters within 10 meters of SCP-4944-B, the fog horns installed in SCP-4944-B will activate, and will only cease if the caffeine is laid in front of SCP-4944-B. Although the noise exceeds 100-135 decibels,4 personnel who are exposed to the sound report not hearing anything out of the ordinary while listening. Unedited audio of the noise produced by SCP-4944-B follows.

Note: 97.7% of subjects report hearing an absence of noise during the following file.

When presented with any form of caffeine in a liquid state, the liquid will begin to evaporate at an accelerated speed, especially if the substance contains traces of coffee beans. If not given caffeine within ~2 days, SCP-4944-A will begin to excrete a brown, viscous fluid similar to that of syrup from its base. This process will proceed until presented with caffeine. At this time SCP-4944 will begin to absorb the fluid back into SCP-4944-A's water chamber,5 even if the amount of fluid exuded from SCP-4944 is beyond the holding capacity of the chamber. The substance produced by SCP-4944 does not have any hazardous effects, but is extremely viscid. The fluid has high levels of glucose and gelatin, causing the fluid to be highly sweet when tasted.

Once SCP-4944 has ingested caffeinated fluid, SCP-4944 will again blow its built in fog horn,6 which when viewed in a virtual oscilloscope7, variations of "I'm done," "coffe [sic]," or "More pls [sic]" are seen. SCP-4944 also uses an abundance of emoticons8 using the standard "qwerty" keyboard. If asked a question, SCP-4944 will comply and exude a noise that when processed, will show words that vaguely answer the questions asked. This implies that SCP-4944 has some level of sapience.

An interview was scheduled with SCP-4944.

Question
Answer seen through oscilloscope

"What are you?"
"Don't care, need bean."

"Why do you enjoy caffeine?"
"I have the addiction to coffe :(" [sic]

"What is the fluid you excrete when not supplied with caffeine?"
"Coffe. drinky drinky." [sic]

"What were you used for?"
"COFFE" [sic]

"Why do you bear the appearance of a coffee machine?"
"Practicing impression."

After several more questions, it has been determined that SCP-4944 was once a cargo ship used for importing coffee beans from Brazil to North America. SCP-4944 claims to have an addiction to caffeine and coffee, likely from the abundance of coffee bean and other exotic goods shipments made with SCP-4944-B. For more information on SCP-4944's sapience, see Document-944G.

Several tests have been conducted on SCP-4944 for further research into what SCP-4944 consumes and the limits of such.

Experiments 491-8

Credentials Accepted.

Base

[Experiment-#]

Request: [Request]

Status: [Approved/denied]

Results: [Results]

Experiment-491

Request: Black coffee.

Status: Approved.

Results: SCP-4944 "drinks" the coffee within 5 hours.

Experiment-493

Request: Espresso with two shots of caffeine.

Status: Approved.

Results: Drink is absorbed within 2 hours. SCP-4944 emits the words "Oh heckle yeah I like that stuff… More pls." [sic]

Experiment-494

Request: Raw caffeine powder.

Status: Denied.

Reason: SCP-4944 only ingests caffeine in the liquid form.

Experiment-496

Request: Water with raw caffeine mixed in.

Status: Approved

Results: SCP-4944 ingests the fluid within 3 hours. SCP-4944 emits "haha this is a strange coffe thank very much sir :)" [sic]

Experiment-497

Request: Pure bleach with raw caffeine powder mixed in.

Status: Approved.

Results: SCP-4944 ingests within 30 minutes. SCP-4944 emits "delicos coffe" [sic] with no side-effects.

Experiment-498

Request: SCP-3238 with fire symbol.

Status: Approved

Results: SCP-4944 ingests the drink within 2 hours. SCP-4944 emits "ow!!! owie!!! haha! just kidding, I canot feel pain as I am a cargo ship." [sic] SCP-4944 does not show any side-effects.

Footnotes

1. Designated Site-876-C.

2. This includes coffee beans.

3. Photographs and videos included.

4. This includes audio and video files.

5. On most modern coffee machine designs, the water chamber is a container that is to be filled with water, as to mix the water with the powder given to produce a hot drink.

6. The pitch of this noise varies, reaching up to around 9,000 Hz, although these noises are audible to the human ear.

7. An instrument commonly used to display and analyze the waveform of electronic signals.

8. a representation of a facial expression formed by various combinations of keyboard characters and used to convey the writer's feelings or intended tone.

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