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SCP-5367

Pedagon critiques standardized education practices using physics. The quantizer breaks the students down into discrete numerical values (just like letter grades, GPA, percentages, etc) and spits them out. The different tests show that intelligence measures are arbitrary. Diffractor makes students EFFICIENT and causes the victims to have an existential crisis, migraines, mental issues, and memory/attention loss. Entangler causes a hive mind much like how standardized education treats all kids as the "average child" and has the goal of making everyone the same and crushes creativity and self actualization. Proper use of the entangler is the same goal as actual educational practices. Blog post shows how companies and governments prey on stressed and underqualified/inexperienced teachers to shill their dangerous methods; the teachers always regret it but it's too late.

Item #: SCP-5367

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: Objects that make up SCP-5367 are to be stored in standard anomalous item containment lockers. Personnel with Level 2 Clearance may submit a formal research proposal to Dr. Yvonne Praxis to gain access to SCP-5367 instances for further testing.

Description: SCP-5367 is the collective designation for the set of three devices sold as "Dr. Wondertainment's Quantum Teaching Resources" with the subheading of "For when the classical way isn't working". Devices that comprise SCP-5367 are "The Quantizer", "The Diffractor", and "The Entangler", which have been designated as SCP-5367-1, SCP-5367-2, and SCP-5367-3, respectively. Refer to the individual descriptions included below for more detailed descriptions of each SCP-5367 device.

SCP-5367-1

SCP-5367-2

SCP-5367-3

Item Description: SCP-5367-1 is a small, crescent shaped device with a leather grip on one end and a rainbow pattern covering the other. The words "THE QUANTIZER" are located along both sides of the device in large, metallic silver lettering and the words "Made by The Factory" are engraved underneath the grip. On the convex edge of the device, on the rainbow covered end, a green button of radius 1cm sticks out. Above the green button, a screen displays a pixelated message reading "THE QUANTIZER" when the device is not in use.

SCP-5367-1 instances convert subjects it is pointed at into various electromagnetic waves for the purpose of "quantizing" them into a discrete numerical value. What the presented value means, and how it is determined by SCP-5367-1, is currently unknown.

A set of initial experiments were conducted by the research team led by Dr. Praxis to determine the properties of SCP-5367-1.

Experimental Procedure: SCP-5367-1 is aimed at a subject and the green button is pressed. Observations are recorded and included in the below table.

Subject
Observations

Pan troglodytes (Common Chimpanzee)
The chimpanzee erupted into various colours of light and light beams were sucked into the aperture. Screen on SCP-5367-1 flashed through a series of diagrams showing different wavefunctions and calculations derivative of the Schrodinger Equation for approximately 30 seconds. The screen showed "Please wait while the student is quantized" before the number 105 appeared on the screen. The device's aperture then opened back up and shone a bright light towards the direction of where the chimpanzee was previously standing. After 5 seconds of bright light, the chimpanzee was returned to its initial form. The chimpanzee was then subjected to physiological analysis conducted by Foundation staff using x-rays, genetic testing, and a battery of minor tests. No anomalous aspects were observed during analysis.

Tursiops truncatus (Common Bottlenose Dolphin)
The device acted on the dolphin as observed in test 1 and presented the number 220 after completing the quantization process. The dolphin was then subjected to physiological analysis conducted by Foundation staff using x-rays, genetic testing, and a battery of minor tests. No anomalous aspects were observed during analysis.

D-1526
The device acted on D-1526 as observed in prior testing and presented the number 305 after completing the quantization process. No psychological issues were noted after this test.

D-1527

The device acted on D-1527 as observed in prior testing and presented the number 0 after completing the quantization process. Upon being returned to the room by SCP-5367-1, D-1527’s epidermal layer sloughed off and subject began to seize. D-1527 expired after 14 minutes on continuous seizing and blood loss.

Researcher Note: It appears, after re-watching security footage during Test 4, that a fruit fly entered the space between the aperture and D-1527. Based on the disastrous outcome of test 4, we ask that all further testing with SCP-5367-1 be ensured to have a free field of view between the subject and SCP-5367-1.

+ View Autopsy report of D-1527

- Close D-1527 Autopsy Report

Autopsy on D-1527 was conducted by Dr. Hans Karik on May 24th, 2020.

D-1527's skeletal, muscular, and various internal organ structures were all non-anomalous and presented as a typical human male in their mid-30s. However, superior to the muscular tissue, D-1527 presented two vestigial arms composed of cartilage and adipose tissue. DNA analysis of these arms revealed a mix of homo sapiens (Human) and drosophila melanogaster (Common Fruit Fly) DNA.

Item Description: SCP-5367-2 is a small, cuboid device with a rainbow pattern covering its entirety. The words "THE DIFFRACTOR" are located along each side of the device in large, metallic silver lettering, and a green button protrudes out from the top with the words "Made by The Factory" encircling its rim.

SCP-5367-2 devices convert the room in which it is activated into a medium capable of diffracting living beings and the objects that are being interacted with. In rooms where an SCP-5367-2 device has been activated, all possible actions to achieve a desired goal or complete a set task appear to be taken simultaneously. How the device is able to cause this effect is currently unknown.

A series of experiments were conducted by Dr. Praxis' team to determine the properties of SCP-5367-2. Experimental results are included below.

Test Description
Observations

Researchers placed SCP-5367-2 on the floor in standard containment room I-1 and set the timer to 20 minutes. Green button was pressed using a remote device.
Observations during test: The space inside the room appeared to fracture, reminiscent of glass fracturing, and then returned to the appearance of the room as it was before activation of SCP-5367-2. Researchers were unable to open any doors into the room while the device remained active. At cessation of the set time, the room appeared to fracture once more and then returned to normal. Researchers were then able to enter the room without issue to retrieve the SCP-5367-2 device.

Researchers placed SCP-5367-2 on the floor in standard containment room J-1 and set the timer to 5 minutes. D-1526 was ordered to press the green button and then attempt to open either door leading into the containment room. D-1526 was given the instruction that, if the door is unopenable, they are to return to SCP-5367-2 and press the green button once more to end the test.

Observations during test: Space inside the room fractured as seen in the previous test upon press of the green button. Upon standing up, D-1526 appeared to duplicate, initially occupying the same space, and then separating upon walking to each of the two doors leading out of the test chamber. Upon reaching each door both duplicates split once more, with one proceeding to open and leave through their respective door and the other being unable to open their door and remaining within the room.

Cameras located outside of test chamber J-1 recorded the doors opening and closing but no instance of D-1526 exited the room. It is believed that the diffractions caused by SCP-5367-2 only exist within the confines of the room in which it has been activated.

The remaining D-1526 instances then returned to the button at the center of the room and merged into taking up the same space. Upon the press of the button, the room fractured again and only one D-1526 remained.

Follow up with D-1526 D-1526 expressed that, from their perspective, nothing in the room had changed during the test. However, D-1526 does have memories of taking each of the observed actions of all duplicates and admitted believing that they had just been having phantom memories from a bad batch of amnestics. Upon learning that they had actually split into each path simultaneously, D-1526 is now undergoing therapy due to the belief that they are not the original D-1526. Explaining quantum diffraction to D-1526 to ease anxieties have thus far been unsuccessful.

Researchers placed SCP-5367-2 on the floor of standard containment room K-1 and set the timer to 30 minutes. Dr. Praxis was to enter the room carrying 6 books labelled 1-6 and one six-sided dice. Upon pressing the green button, Dr. Praxis was directed to roll the die and read as much of the corresponding book as possible until time runs out. Following the completion of the experiment, Dr. Praxis was administered a test on the content of each book brought into the room.

Observations during test: Space inside the room fractured as seen before. Dice rolled by Dr. Praxis duplicated into six die, landing on all numbers from 1-6. Dr. Praxis then duplicated six times, all occupying the same physical space, and picked up each of the books in the room. When the timer went off, signalling that the test would end soon, Dr. Praxis placed the books back on the floor and joined back into one individual.

Follow up with Dr. Praxis: Dr. Praxis passed all follow-up quizzes administered without difficulty. When asked which book she ended up reading, Dr. Praxis explained that they remember reading all of the books. Dr. Praxis still insists upon having read each of the books while recognizing the impossibility of this action.

Researcher’s Note: Prolonged usage of SCP-5367-2 by Foundation staff for maximizing work efficiency has resulted in unforeseen side effects. The most commonly observed side effects include becoming prone to migraines, experiencing an increased rate of long term memory loss, and developing multiple personalities (in cases where multiple staff were having a conversation around an activated SCP-5367-2).

Item Description: SCP-5367-3 is a small, rectangular device with a rainbow pattern covering its entirety. The words "THE ENTANGLER" are located along each side of the device in large, metallic silver lettering and a green switch is embedded in the bottom of the device. The words "Made by The Factory" are engraved in small lettering to the left of the green switch.

SCP-5367-3 devices cause the minds and bodies of subjects who walk underneath them to become cognitively entangled. How this happens, and whether the individual particles become entangled, or if "entanglement" occurs in some other way, is yet to be determined.

An experiment was conducted by Dr. Praxis' team to determine the properties of SCP-5367-3. Experimental results are included below.

ENTANGLER Testing

Subject
D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834

Protocol
D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834 are walked through a door with an activated SCP-5367-3 device located above the frame. D-2413 enters first, D-1211 follows directly after, and D-2834 enters the room 5 seconds later.

Results
Observations during test: Four steps after walking through the door, D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834 all stop walking and form a triangle facing in the same direction. Subjects remain silent for 60 seconds before the research team prompts them with a question. Subjects all respond in unison and make the same body movements simultaneously. Researchers ask subjects to exit through the same door they had entered at the start of the test. Subjects all move in the same triangular formation through the door and stop four steps outside. Subjects then walked in unison towards the room of D-2413.

Following the test of SCP-5367-3 using D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834, Dr. Praxis’ team has investigated the source of the consciousness displayed by the trio. A transcript of the interview between researchers and D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834 is included below. D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834 were separated from one another into different rooms prior to interview.

+ Interview Log with D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834

- Hide Interview Log

Interviewer: Dr. Karik
Interviewer: Dr. Praxis
Interviewer: Dr. Ng

Interviewed: D-2413
Interviewed: D-1211
Interviewed: D-2834

Dr. Karik: We are here to determine the extent of SCP-5367-3's effects. Do you understand?
Dr. Praxis: Hello. We have brought you here to figure out the effects of SCP-5367-3. Are you ready?
Dr. Ng: We are here to determine the extent of SCP-5367-3's effects. Do you have any questions before we begin?

D-2413: Yes
D-1211: Yes
D-2834: Yes

Dr. Karik: Perfect. Let's begin then. Can you please explain your perspective of the experiment we conducted this morning?
Dr. Praxis: Alright. Let's start out simple. Can you please tell me your name and classification number?
Dr. Ng: Oh? Please, go ahead, you may ask anything you like before we officially begin.

D-2413: We remember entering testing chamber J-1 and feeling a great warmth. About four or five steps into the room we could suddenly see three different perspectives and hear three sets of thoughts. But it wasn't busy. It wasn't like how you would think voices in your head would be. It was like we all understood that we fit together in one mind. That this was the better way to be. It felt right.
D-1211: We remember entering testing chamber J-1 and feeling a great warmth. About four or five steps into the room we could suddenly see three different perspectives and hear three sets of thoughts. But it wasn't busy. It wasn't like how you would think voices in your head would be. It was like we all understood that we fit together in one mind. That this was the better way to be. It felt right.
D-2834: We remember entering testing chamber J-1 and feeling a great warmth. About four or five steps into the room we could suddenly see three different perspectives and hear three sets of thoughts. But it wasn't busy. It wasn't like how you would think voices in your head would be. It was like we all understood that we fit together in one mind. That this was the better way to be. It felt right.

Dr. Karik: That's very interesting. Can you explain who "We" includes?
Dr. Praxis: Huh? Are you trying to say that your name is "We"?
Dr. Ng: Alright. It's clear that you aren't responding to me at all. How interesting.

It was at this point that Dr. Ng realized that all three D-Class now shared the consciousness of one entity. Dr. Ng paged Dr. Praxis and Dr. Karik and the research team determined that responses alligned most with the questions asked by Dr. Karik to D-2413, the first to walk through the door during testing. Only the conversation between Dr. Karik and D-2413 are transcribed hereon.

D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834: We is the name for our mind. The voices and thoughts are all separate, but we all work together as We. There is [D-2834], [D-1211], [D-2413], and me.

Dr. Karik: And you? And who might you be?

D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834: I am We. I have no other name.

Dr. Karik: And where did you come from?

We: I became when the three minds walked through the door. Dr. Wondertainment gave me the job to be the mediator and the resource. I help the minds make choices and find answers. We work together. We work well.

Dr. Karik: And how do you know of Dr. Wondertainment? Can you tell me about them?

We: All I know is that we are to work together and that Dr. Wondertainment is not liable to any injuries, accidents, or violations of physical laws in the classroom. And that, by doing this test outside of a classroom, you have voided warranty.

Dr. Karik: Thank you. We will continue this interview later.

D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834 have continued to exhibit a singular mind ever since the conclusion of SCP-5367-3's initial test. Researchers have been unable to find any warranty documentation included with any of the instances of SCP-5367-1, SCP-5367-2, or SCP-5367-3.

Discovery Log: SCP-5367 was discovered by Foundation Webcrawlers after encountering a blog post to ███████, a popular local teacher's forum, by Ms. ███████, a new teacher in Calgary, Alberta, Canada (See blog post included below). Ms. ███████ identified that she had been sent an advertisement for SCP-5367 by mail shortly after being offered a teaching position at a local charter school (See advertisement included below). As of 2020/07/22, Foundation staff have blocked the delivery of 3756 copies of the advertisement from reaching new teachers across North America and have pulled it from advertising sections of 54 local teachers' union newsletters.

Foundation Webcrawlers are to search periodically for any further advertising from the "School Funification Division" and are to make Dr. Praxis aware of any new advertisements or products discovered.

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DO NOT BUY ANYTHING FROM DR WONDERTAINMENT!! THEY DO NOT DO WHAT YOU THINK THEY WILL!!

I thought they were just the latest company trying to dive in to the teaching supply market to capitalize off of the recent Montessori tool trends. I was VERY wrong. I bought these products after my new principal sent me a letter of how much grades were emphasized at ███████ ████████ Elementary School and was terrified of making a mistake and ruining any of my students' futures. This thing was advertised like it would be some kind of Infrared thermometer but for measuring IQ or anxiety or something. I really didn't know what it was going to be measuring but I was scared and willing to try anything! Just like I bet a lot of you are if you are on this blog!

The thing just sat in my desk for a few months while I graded like I was taught to but then October rolled around and I had to write report cards and do Parent-Teacher interviews for a group of 46 eight-year-olds. That is way too much for one person to do without help and it was so early in the year and we hadn't done any of the big assessments yet and I got desperate. I pointed the thing at one of the more difficult to assess students who never handed in their homework and pressed the button. Suddenly he was gone! Burst into light and got sucked up into the device. The room was terrified, I was terrified. Everyone was screaming and crying and, honestly, I still have nightmares about it. After a few minutes the device's screen flashed and he was back in the room, a little dazed, but otherwise fine. THANK. GOD.

I have no idea what these things are, but no amount of stress is worth the horror that comes from these devices. Listen to my warning and AVOID AT ALL COST.

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Hello!!

We here at DR WONDERTAINMENT's new SCHOOL FUNIFICATION DIVISION are excited to announce our new line of QUANTUM TEACHING RESOURCES!

We have heard how lame school can be for students and how frustrating it can be for you teachers to teach a group that hates being there. So, we are offering you the chance to try out our first three devices in the teaching resources line for HALF the future price!

The QUANTIZER will make grading the easiest part of your job! Just point and click and you'll never need to grade another paper again!

The DIFFRACTOR will let you finish your entire plan for the day in half, a quarter, or even an infinitesimal of the time! Slap it on the floor and marvel as your classroom's efficiency shoots through the roof of the school!

The ENTANGLER will make you a master of classroom management on day one! Don't struggle with years of tossing and turning and making vague lesson plans, just place the ENTANGLER above the door and enjoy teaching to the average student perfectly!

Settle for the CLASSICAL methods of teaching no more! Break into the world of QUANTUM TEACHING and watch as your test scores rocket up and discipline issues plummet!

DR WONDERTAINMENT assumes no liability for any injuries, accidents, or violations of universal laws through the use of any of these products.