Item #: SCP-2755

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2755 is to be stored in a standard biological item vault outfitted with a drain for excess fluids.

Description: SCP-2755 is the corpse of Finnegan █████, a comedy writer noted for a family-friendly series of joke books, [REDACTED]. The corpse itself is effectively affixed to the couch supporting it. Of particular note is its position; its right hand holds a shot glass under SCP-2755's mouth. Discharging from the mouth at 0.5 mL/hour is isopropyl alcohol, which drips into the shot glass. When overfilled, and the alcohol reaches a suitable material, most additional alcohol evaporates. The remaining alcohol proceeds to cover the material's surface and etches a random pun from one of the writer's books, as well as a typically cynical addition. See Addendum for transcripts.

Addendum A: Transcript of Etchings

Why did the cow not want to go to school? Because it had recently mooved!

… Just like I did for this shitty job in Loserville, Nowhere.

How do dolphins like their soda pop? Bottled!

Just like my whiskey, acetaminophen, and rage.

What did the archaeologist say when he accidentally broke an artifact? "I owe you guys an anthrApology."

… I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Forgive me.