Actually, while I have you here, can I talk to you about something? It's important.

Item #: SCP-990-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: Currently no containment measures for SCP-990-J have been devised, and, due to extensive budget cuts, we can no longer keep paying personnel to come up with ideas. All suggestions are welcome,1 however, do not expect any sort of raise or recognition for your efforts.

Also, this may not be the best place to put this but, while we're on the subject of money, we're going to have to limit everyone in Site-19 to two cups of coffee per day. SCP-294 refuses to comply with personnel requests for liquids of any kind,2 and you seriously do not realize how much we spend per quarter on Folgers alone. It's appalling.3

Description: SCP-990-J is the designation for a human male dressed in Tommy Bahama-brand clothing that appears to Foundation personnel through dreams.4 So far, no Foundation personnel have encountered SCP-990-J in the real world; if he corresponds to an actual human being, we have yet to find him, and because of the aforementioned budget cuts, we probably won't find him.

Although SCP-990-J has been appearing to Foundation personnel since 1993,56 his existence as an anomalous entity did not come to light until 2004, when the Foundation Human Resources Department responded to the original tickets submitted a decade prior. The entity did not receive official classification until the events of Incident 990-1.

Incident Log 990-1:

Edward J. ██████, a Level I Junior Research Technician working in the Site-19 anomalous entity intake ward, reportedly failed to clock out for his unpaid lunch on 10/21/2005, leading to a formal audit the following day.

Camera footage of ██████ revealed he had fallen asleep during this period, yet did not appear to possess any knowledge of having done so. ██████ insisted that he had spent that time processing the intake of an entity, going on to transcribe his conversation with SCP-990-J for use as evidence in the audit. Following the conclusion of said audit, this transcript should be available below for personnel to read. UPDATE 10/23/2005: As per majority vote of the O5 council, ██████ will be allowed to retain his wages for time spent asleep, on the grounds that he was under the influence of anomalous phenomena at the time.Way to go, Eddy! Fight the system!

Transcript 990-1

██████: Okay, so, welcome to Site-19. My name is Edward, I'm a Junior Technician here, and my job right now is to get your basic information and to answer any questions you might have about the process of transitioning into long-term living at 19.

SCP-990-J: Oh, so like an interview?

██████: Yeah, more or less.

SCP-990-J: Cool, cool, sounds good to me.

██████: Alright, please state your name.

SCP-990-J: Uhhh, what about Bobby?

██████: Bobby? Is that your name?

SCP-990-J: Yeah. No, wait, how about Phil? Is Phil taken?

██████: Taken? That's not how names work-

SCP-990-J: You're right, Bobby is better, can I go back to Bobby?

██████: Bobby it is, then.

SCP-990-J: You know what, you're gonna hate me but I don't think I'm feeling Bobby anymore. I said it over and over and now it doesn't sound like a real name. Bobby. Bob-by. Just pick something for me, I'm indecisive.

██████: I literally can't progress to the next page until I put something in the field for "name".

██████: I'm going to put "Tommy Bahama" because of your shirt.

SCP-990-J: [laughs for an objectively uncomfortable amount of time]

██████: It really wasn't that funny.

SCP-990-J: Actually, while I have you here, can I talk to you about something? It's important.

██████: Uh, sure?

SCP-990-J: Great, great. So listen, buddy. Last year I made eighteen hundred dollars a week working from the comfort of my own home. Isn't financial independence the best?

██████: Y-Yeah, I mean, I guess so.7

SCP-990-J: Anyway, you seem like a smart guy, and I like that, so I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. You can also be making this kind of cash, man. You can have two cars and a mansion too baby. You just gotta invest in your future. Invest, in- Herbalife.

██████: [laughs nervously]

SCP-990-J retrieves a case of supplements and a binder from under the table.

██████: -oh, shit, you're serious.

SCP-990-J: I am so serious, Ethan.

██████: It's Edwa-

SCP-990-J: I am so very serious about giving you the opportunities you've only dreamed of. Now, I'm a straight shooter, you're a straight shooter, let's get down to brass tacks, I want you to be my prime VIP downline distributor, can I sign you up for the welcome package or what?

██████: Uhhh….

SCP-990-J opens the binder in presentation to ██████.

SCP-990-J: See, for every distributor you sign up, you get a portion of their earnings and their signed-up distributors' earnings and so forth. There is literally no limit to the cash you can make!

██████: This is a pyramid scheme.

SCP-990-J: A what now?

██████: A pyramid scheme. You know, guy at the top gets the big cheese, the lesser guys make money based on the number of people you recruit under you. I don't even know what your product is. What does it do?

SCP-990-J: Herbalife is a, ahem, a proprietary blend of antioxidants, enzymes and essential vitamins specifically designed to rid the body of toxins and-

██████: I can see you reading off the label. You don't know anything about the products you sell, do you?

SCP-990-J: It's organic. It's full of organics.

██████: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

SCP-990-J:8

Addendum 990-J-A: Due to a sharp increase in sightings of SCP-990-J in dreams of personnel with sub-optimal credit scores,9 Site-19 has been retrofitted with several thousand REM-inhibiting Waveform Generators. As of 05/12/2016, SCP-990-J encounters have been successfully reduced by 99%.

Incident Log 990-2:

On 06/04/2016, O5-1 discovered a handwritten note taped to his forehead, as a well as eleven tubs of Herbalife Formula 1 Advanced Nutritional Shake Mix, three cases of Herbalife Formula 2 Multivitamins and seventeen packages of Herbalife Simply Probiotic and Active Fiber Complex when he awoke in his quarters. The note reads as follows:

Hey there, killer!

Just got you set up with our deluxe package. I'll check back in with you in a week to get an update on your sales. Remember, always start with a smile!

-tb

O5-1 has denied having any interactions with SCP-990-J.

Absolutely preposterous. Now, how would you like to be your own boss? - O5-1

Footnotes

1. See the suggestion bucket in the Site-19 atrium if you would like to recommend containment measures for SCP-990-J.

2. Ever since the incident.

3. And now that I'm running the numbers, I can see that it would be cheaper in the long run to replace Folgers' entire employee roster with D-Class personnel. Wait, can we do that?

4. SCP-990-J claims it can and does appear to others but remarks that his interactions are often forgotten by non-Foundation staff. This is likely due to the now-mandatory Class-W Mnestic regimen of all personnel causing an increased retention of dream detail, and definitely, definitely nothing to do with the long-standing Foundation initiative to earn a little extra cash by having D-Class apply for anomalous job classifieds. Absolutely not because of that second thing.

- RAISA

5. Coincidentally, the same year the Tommy Bahama Group, Inc. was founded. Research into SCP-990-J as an oneirological thoughtform is not underway, and neither are investigations into Tommy Bahama itself as a potential group of interest. Himself? Is Tommy Bahama an actual person?

6. I just googled it and he is not an actual person. What a waste of time and resourceslike this document amirite?

7. It is to note that ██████ currently lives on the Site-19 campus and receives reduced pay in exchange for room and board.

8. There was more to this conversation, but the transcriptionist assigned to copying the interview into digital storage was laid off. Essentially, SCP-990-J continued to pitch Herbalife for several minutes, despite ██████'s obvious growing discomfort of the situation. ██████ tried to push through by bringing out some the Site-19 residency contracts, the legalese of which SCP-990-J found highly distressing and "very airtight". SCP-990-J reportedly produced a smoke bomb from an unknown location, and quickly threw it at the ground, causing the room to fill with smoke, with ██████ waking up shortly thereafter.

9. Wow, a lot of you guys are wildly in debt. And no, we are not processing insurance claims at the moment, why do you ask?