A -J that serves as my headcanon of the administrator and also a vent about horrible CEOs who genuinely just don't care about their employees.

I'm here, too; I wrote a bunch of this, also, and was a little silly with it. Here's my author page, which doesn't have a big fancy button like AwhRyan's does. -Hickory

Item #: SCP-0001-J1

Object Class: The Best2

Special Containment Procedures: Containment of SCP-0001-J is currently impossible.3

Tactic A-23 Hypernova Spectacular4 has been proven an effective countermeasure in high-risk situations where SCP-0001-J is an immediate threat. However, due to the high personnel cost of enacting this procedure, it is only to be used in dire emergencies.5

Description: SCP-0001-J is the anomalously large ego6 of the Administrator of the SCP Foundation. No larger ego has been recorded in history, and his ego is in direct contrast to his intelligence.7

Addendum 0001.1: The Administrator hosts a mandatory surprise party for himself at his office every year on his birthday. These parties are always recorded on his own personal camera.

The lights in the office are turned off, and ~4 dozen people are seen crouched behind various pieces of furniture. A coffee mug can be seen on the Administrators desk which reads "World's Best Boss." This mug is made of titanium-alloy infused with diamonds. Several other objects8 are also labeled with the same message.

The Administrator walks into the office and turns on the light.

Everyone: SURPRISE!

The Administrator smiles.

Administrator: Oh wow! You shouldn't have!

A cake can now be seen on a nearby table with the words "World's Best Boss" drawn in chocolate icing.

Administrator: Oh my god! This cake is so wonderful! You guys really went all out on this one, didn't you?

Most of the people in the room are silent.

Administrator: Oh right, I paid for it myself and had it delivered. It was really expensive, too. Glad you all came though, even if you don't get to eat it!

Administrator: (mumbling) Should've bought me a cake yourselves, greedy fuckin- [unintelligible].

The rest of the party is spent in silence as the Administrator eats the entire cake by himself.

Addendum 0001.2: The following is a termination proposal for SCP-682 sent directly to the O5 Council by the Administrator.

Alright, you numbskulls. It's come to my attention that roughly 32% of our budget goes into throwing random shit at 682 to try and kill it. That's stupid. All of you are stupid.9

Obviously, we just need to nuke it. It's not that hard. Did none of you think of this? I mean seriously, we've got one under every goddamn site; we have spares! I want that lizard obliterated or you're all fired.

Following this request, an emergency meeting was called in an attempt to reconcile the Administrator's unshakeable confidence in his own abilities with the basic facts of reality. An agreement was reached after 37 hours and 43 minutes, and the termination proposal was scrapped put on indefinite hold.10

The Administrator has since put in a request to create more nukes. He has insisted that this should come out of all of our paychecks because we "shouldn't have used all the nukes."

Addendum 0001.3: The Administrator frequently chooses to partake in MTF expeditions to show his own strength and wit. One of these expeditions is described below, in which MTF-AlphaBetaGammaDeltaEpsilonZetaEtaThetaIotaKappaLambdaMuNuXiOmikronPiRhoSigmaTauUpsilonPhiChiPsiOmega-One Bazillion "The Champions"11 was tasked with containing a pack of deadly wolves with anomalously enhanced size.

<Begin Log>

The Administrator is seen walking into the forest as he begins making hand signals. These hand signals do not match any known methods of sign language or any established procedures for MTF field communication.

Administrator: FoxtrotCharlie, I have the position of the bogies, over.

OB-1: You don't have to-

Administrator: I don't answer to you, cadet.

OB-1: I'm not a cadet, I'm the captain.

Administrator: You won't be if you keep talking back to me.

A loud scream is heard through the microphone of OB-3.

OB-5: Are you okay? What happened?

Administrator: Don't worry, nothing will happen to any of you.

OB-5: What is your position, -3?

Crunching can be heard.

Administrator: Nothing will happen to any of you except -3.

OB-5: Guys, I think we should go to -3, she seems like she's in trouble.

The Administrator sighs dramatically and starts moving faster.

Administrator: We just need to accept our losses. What's important right now is that we are getting closer to the position of the anomalies. I can handle all of this, don't worry.

Sounds of flesh tearing from bone can be heard.

Administrator: We'll always remember her sacrifice.

Silence.

Administrator: I'll make sure she has a good burial.

Silence.

OB-2: Does anybody else notice anything strange?

OB-1: Yeah, it's silent. I think we-

Several wolves jump out of the nearby foliage and tackle OB-2 and OB-4 to the ground. OB-1 and OB-5 grab their guns and begins firing into the wolves.

Administrator: Woah dude, watch where you're pointing that thing.

OB-1: WE NEED TO HELP THEM!

Administrator: Yeah, but don't fucking shoot me.

OB-5: You can't even die. Shoot them!

The Administrator rips off his shirt, abs.12

Administrator: I got this, stand back.

The Administrator begins to punch the wolf that is currently biting the throat of OB-4. It attempts to lunge at him, but fails due to the anomalous invincibility that the Administrator possesses. Notably, the Administrator does not appear to damage the wolf.

OB-4 succumbs to his wounds and dies.

Administrator: Yeah! How do you like that!?

The wolf dies from the gunshot wounds that it sustained during the fight.

Administrator: Phew. That was tough. I guess there's truth to that phrase "hungry like the wolf."

The Administrator performs a poorly executed backflip and winks at OB-4's body-cam. The sound of guttural screaming can be heard in the background as OB-2 is eaten by another wolf.

OB-1: What are you doing? Help him!

Administrator: I thought you were the captain.

The Administrator reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of sunglasses. He puts them on and begins walking towards the camera.

<End Log>

Addendum 0001.4: The following incident log details the events leading up to and narrowly avoiding a Class-7 Mandatory Movie Night Event on 03/08/2023. Events were transcribed from memory by O5-7.

Site Director Johannes, Researcher Miller, and Dr. Cross are hanging around the staff breakroom. Some other dudes might've been there, but I don't remember and they aren't important.

Johannes: Any plans for the weekend?

The Administrator enters the breakroom and is unacknowledged.

Miller: Yeah, I'm going out on a fishing trip with my buddy Dale. I haven't gotten to see him in a couple years since he left the country on business, so it'll be nice to see him again while he's in town for the weekend, all that.

Johannes: Oh, that's nice. I hope you-

It is at this point that the Administrator interrupts.

Administrator: Attention, employees! I'm very pleased to announce a movie night this Saturday! We'll be watching my favorite movie, Thor: The Dark World, and it will be mandatory! I mean it. Your jobs are on the line if you miss this one.

The room goes silent. Researcher Miller is visibly distressed.

Dr. Cross: Oh, uh, we can't actually. The whole site is busy that day. I just set the schedule. Too late to reschedule, y'know? Just such a shame it'll have to be next week or the week after or…

Administrator: Really? I made sure not to schedule anything for Saturday or let anyone else schedule anything for Saturday. Specifically for this reason.

Dr. Cross sweats profusely and takes just long enough to respond for it to feel awkward for everyone involved.

Dr. Cross: 682 is breaching that day.

The room goes silent again…

Site Director Johannes: Yeah, yeah, the breach. The scheduled 682 breach. Can't deviate on that one. You know how he is, won't wait even for something so… important…

Researcher Miller: Mhm, 'fraid they're right, boss. We just can't do it this weekend. Real shame, too.

The room goes silent yet again…..

Administrator: …Of course! Right, I said that to test you and make sure you remembered the schedules! Yep!

All laugh in agreement.

Administrator: But we wouldn't have this problem if someone didn't refuse to let me nuke the lizard. Just saying, it totally would've worked.

EMERGENCY NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES

As of 04/08/2023, SCP-0001-J is determined to be at risk of causing an imminent XK-Class End-of-the-World Scenario via the sheer incompetence and over-confidence of the Administrator.

The Administrator has chosen to release SCP-682 from containment and launch a nuclear missile at it. As the Administrator did not have the foresight to warn any national governments of this nuclear launch, an international nuclear conflict has begun with intercontinental missiles already in the air.

In light of this incident, all essential employees are to make their way to on-site emergency shelters and await further instruction or potential evacuation. The O5 Council has been unable to override any decisions made by the Administrator as this is and has always been a dictatorship.

Visual confirmation seems to confirm 682 as being successfully terminated. However, the Administrator has now caused all-out nuclear warfare which by current estimates will result in the deaths of approximately 90% of the human population by the end of the day.

God help you.

Message sent via consensus of the O5 Council.

Addendum 0001.5: The Administrator walks into the O5 Council office, the pelt of the beast hanging over his shoulder. He throws it down on the big, round table. Several members of the O5 Council gasp, clearly shaken by the sight of the once immortal reptile so easily defeated.

The Administrator sits in the chair at the head of the table, taking his rightful position as the leader of the Foundation. He wipes the sweat from his brow, exhausted after the fearsome battle he had with the wretched creature.

The Council members look down at the table, gazing upon the glistening scales in awe of their fearless leader's accomplishment. There are 3 words etched onto the remains of the once unkillable beast, carved by a sword befitting of a king.

"World's Best Boss."

Footnotes

1. The Administrator personally requested the 001 slot, but this request was declined by the O5 council. In an attempt to appease the Administrator, the anomaly was given the 0001 slot.

2. This object class was personally created by the Administrator to refer to himself. As this does not harm the documentation of SCP-0001-J and the Administrator has the authority to kill all of us, nobody argued.

3. The Administrator has responded to all containment attempts by bragging about the immortality he bestowed upon the O5 Council and insisting that they owe him for it. Notably, this immortality was an accident.

4. Colloquially known as "ass-kissing".

5. Footnotes have been disabled on the Administrator's personal computer without his knowledge. This is considered essential to the continued containment of SCP-0001-J, and a state of emergency is to be declared immediately if the Administrator ever accesses the footnotes of this document.

6. During the meeting to decide how to describe SCP-0001-J, the Administrator burst into the room and exclaimed "YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS ANOMALOUSLY LARGE?" All attempts to report this behavior to Human Resources resulted in threats of dismantling the entire HR division.

7. The Administrator did not know what "contrast" meant and has taken this description as a compliment.

God help us all if he develops a social media following.

8. Objects include t-shirts, baseball bats, belts, and a framed picture of the Administrator signed by the Administrator.

9. The Administrator has insisted that this proposal is not because he wants the aforementioned 32% of the budget for his totally necessary "World's Best Boss" merch, but we don't believe him.

10. We tried to convince him it was a stupid idea, but he wouldn't stop insisting on it until we instead convinced him we'd run out of nukes.

11. The Administrator insisted that all MTF units he works with must have every letter in the Greek alphabet as well as "the biggest number." As it is impossible to accurately find the biggest number, he was told that the biggest number is "One Bazillion."

12. The Administrator insisted that the abs were mentioned in the document. It is worth noting that the Administrator does not have any abs, and these were drawn with black sharpie.