Item#: 5854

Containment Class: safe

Secondary Class: none

Disruption Class: vlam

Risk Class: critical

Special Containment Procedures: All recovered SCP-5854 instances are to be kept in storage locker 17 in the Site-63 Safe anomaly wing. Foundation web crawlers have been deployed to monitor for any online sales of SCP-5854.

Description: Instances of SCP-5854 are pills of varying size, shape and colour, all manufactured by PoI "dado". These pills have been found in bottles just as variable as the pills, with the only consistencies being a label that reads "pills 2 take you 2 better place (very safe no worry)" and a standard best before label with a date sometime in the mid twentieth-century.

Upon consumption of an SCP-5854 instance, the subject will immediately expire, and show signs consistent with cyanide poisoning, despite SCP-5854 instances containing only sugar. No further anomalous affects have been observed.

Update 24/03/21: On 17/03/21, shortly after initial recovery of the first bottle of SCP-5854 instances, a test was conducted on D-38874. Following an autopsy, the body was disposed of and testing on SCP-5854 was concluded.

On 24/05/21, a cassette tape was anonymously delivered to Site-63, labeled as "safety land advertisement number 38", containing a video partially matching the video recorded by D-38874 shortly before consuming SCP-5854. A transcript of the video is available below.1

[BEGIN LOG]

Doctor Watts: Alright D-38874, looks like the camera is rolling. You ready to see where this thing takes you?

D-38874: Ready as I'll ever be.

D-38874 consumes an instance of SCP-5854.

D-38874: Oh shit. I- I don't think that-

D-38874 collapses on the floor. A bright light not visible to Foundation staff in the room is seen coming from the ceiling. It slowly brightens until D-38874 expires.

The bright light fades away revealing that D-38874 has been transported to what appears to be the edge of a rainforest. D-38874 turns around, revealing that he is standing at the front gate of what appears to be a large amusement park, with multiple roller coasters, Ferris wheels, and other common amusement park rides. Standing outside the gate is a humanoid entity wearing a guinea pig costume. Loud stock music begins to play, and the guinea pig starts yelling over it.

Guinea Pig: hello friends! welcome to the one and only safety park where things do not go wrong! there is no need to worry about anything bad happening to you or your family, because we here at safety world have guaranteed there will be no evidence of us causing hurt!!1!!

The scene changes to the Guinea Pig standing in front of a waterslide. D-38874 is nowhere to be seen.

Guinea Pig: are you to tired of all those theme parks being two dangerous to send your kids too? are you tired of fearing for your life when the rollercoaster goes off the tracks? are you tired of having to sue us poor theme parks just because the ferris wheel broke and turned into a giant human meat grinder?

Screams are heard from offscreen, right before a log and three human riders crash to the ground next to the Guinea Pig. The subtitles label the screaming as "screams of excitement at how safe everything is". Notably, all of the riders exit the log unscathed, even though two of them had their necks bent at such an angle during the crash that they should have been killed.

Guinea Pig: we here at the very safe and amusing park have heard your calls for help, and we have answered by offering the safest possible park on this planet!! we have 100 percent certainty that you will not suffer any long term injuries after arriving in our park.

Guinea Pig: but don't take it from me! just trust one of our happy customers!

The scene cuts to the front end of a roller coaster. The Guinea Pig is sitting on the left, and an unidentified human is sitting in the right seat. The Guinea Pig has its hand up the back of the human's shirt.

Human: this place is the best park i've ever been to! it's so safe, i can even do this!!!

As the roller coaster enters a loop, the Guinea Pig passes the human a revolver, and the human presses it against their forehead and pulls the trigger. The bullet passes through their head leaving no mark, and hits the other end of the track. The roller coaster then reaches the part of the track damaged by the gunshot and derails, as the camera falls off the front of the car. The camera lands on the ground below, and the roller coaster can be seen falling off the track and slamming into the support beams, causing the entire track to collapse. One of the beams falls on the camera and the screen goes black.

The scene changes again to inside what appears to be a run down shack. The only light is coming from behind the camera. The Guinea Pig is facing the camera, repeatedly stabbing a carving knife into a human corpse. It continues this action while talking.

Guinea Pig: wow!!!! wasn't that a nice endorsement! i hope all of you people want to check out the safest park in the world right now! well, if you want to come, just call 1-(800)-426-3236 right now to get 100% offffff!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!! that's right, just call now and get your tickets absolutely free!

The same human from the roller coaster scene enters the frame carrying a large plastic ghost decoration. They give a thumbs up to the camera, before the Guinea Pig cuts off the head of the corpse and reveals that it looks identical to the living human next to it.

The scene fades to black and the video ends, although the stock music continues playing to a black screen for another hour.

After reviewing the video repeatedly, it was determined that forty-three unique individuals were seen in the background of the video. Of those, thirty-eight were recognized as individuals who had been found dead of cyanide poisoning in the past year. It is unknown where the park featured in the video is located.

Footnotes

1. The video contains subtitles with many misspellings that were copied in the transcript.