Item #: SCP-029-J

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-029-J is currently considered tentatively contained. Due to the low-risk nature of SCP-029-J, police reports are to be monitored for potential reports of SCP-029-J. Class A amnestics are to be administered as necessary. At this time, no additional containment procedures are required, pending review yearly on 1/12 or as needed.

{DEPRECATED AS OF 4/21/17: Foundation Agents are to attempt to contact SCP-029-J in order to attempt to discern more stringent containment procedures.} At this time, for resource and sanity reasons, additional attempts to contact SCP-029-J are not considered conducive to study, and are to be discontinued.

Description: SCP-029-J is an adult male of apparent Middle Eastern descent, who claims to be Jesus Christ. SCP-029-J is exclusively found in the Newark, New Jersey area, posing as a for-hire driver using the application Uber. Foundation Agents contacted Uber to request the driving records and registration of SCP-029-J. No records were found.

Upon being assigned to a subject's request, SCP-029-J's vehicle is listed as "A flaming hot ride", of the current year, and is always 1 minute from the pick up location. Of note, the Uber application does not allow this to be listed as a model name. SCP-029-J's vehicle has been determined to be a multi-entity combination designated SCP-029-J-1 through SCP-029-J-4.

SCP-029-J's vehicle has been shown to take a variety of appearances. This ability is contingent upon the concentration of SCP-029-J-1 through -4. These entities have to date, proven easily distracted, leading to a high incidence of sightings of SCP-029-J, especially around the Christmas and Easter holidays.

The entities that comprise SCP-029-J's vehicle are as follows:

SCP-029-J-1 has been identified as a Throne

Thrones are depicted as great wheels containing many eyes, and reside in the area of the cosmos where material form begins to take shape. They are usually depicted as the literal movers of the throne of God. SCP-029-J-1 takes the physical form of all four wheels.

SCP-029-J-2 has been identified as a Seraphim, and most likely as Michael

Seraphim are usually depicted as having six wings, one pair covering the face, another the feet, the last to fly with. They are not normally depicted as humanoid. SCP-029-2 makes up the chassis.

SCP-029-J-3 has been identified as an Archangel, mostly likely Gabriel

Depictions of Gabriel usually include a horn of some variety with which he proclaims God's majesty. Reports of Gabriel's physical form vary. SCP-029-J appears to only include Gabriel's voice, and is the radio and sound system.

SCP-029-J-4 has been identified as a group of 12 Cherubim

Cherubim have varying descriptions from four wings and four feet, to even having four faces, and extraordinarily complicated arrangements of faces and wings, feet and glowing coals in their mouths. Reports are inconsistent, varied, and almost invariably inhuman and eldritch. SCP-029-J-4 are situated in front of SCP-029-J-1 through -3 and pull the entire collection, as draft animals.

Addendum 1: Remote Surveillance

Close Addendum

Prepared by the Department of Intelligence

Reporter:

Agents Ricciardi and Stokes

Date of Report

Dec 21, 2016

Incident

Collection of remote surveilance

Summary

SCP-029-J has appeared with a 1.7% chance to date, to any particular user's request. An important note is that SCP-029-J can appear in multiple places at once, and has been observed to be given a maximum of 7 rides at once.

Valerie McIntyre requested a ride from a location in Harrison, New Jersey to the Prudential Center in downtown Newark.

A transcript of an encounter between SCP-029-J, SCP-029-J-1 through -4, and Valerie McIntyre was captured with a laser microphone on 12/17/2016.

Transcription of Surveillance

Involved Foundation Assets: Agent Rocco Ricciardi, Level 3, Intelligence Division. Agent Lisa Stokes, Level 1, Intelligence Division (probational)

Encountered Anomalies: SCP-029-J, SCP-029-J-1, SCP-029-J-2, SCP-029-J-3, SCP-029-J-4

SCP-029-J: Alright, shut up, shut up they're coming.

SCP-029-J-2: You think you can pull this off?

SCP-029-J-2 has the appearance of a late model sedan. No identifying badges can be seen. Its license plate reads SPQRSUX.

SCP-029-J: I don't really care, you think that "supply side jesus" stuff is okay?

SCP-029-J-2: Whatever.

SCP-029-J-1: At least you're not riding on your fucking eyes, Mike.

SCP-029-J-3: Stop moaning, Ray.

SCP-029-J: Gabe, shut up and start the music!

SCP-029-J-3: Fine, fine.

"Rock Me Sexy Jesus" from the "Hamlet 2" soundtrack can be heard playing from SCP-029-J-3.

McIntyre approaches the car.

McIntyre: Hi, Jesus? [Pronounced as in the Hispanic form]

SCP-029-J: Actually it's Yeshua, but you can call me Jay if you want, that's me!

McIntyre: Awesome, thanks!

McIntyre opens the door to SCP-029-J's vehicle. SCP-029-J-4 begins making sounds approximating an engine turning over, and idling. Poorly.

SCP-029-J-4: NnnnVROOM! BrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbrrBRBrbrbrbrbr.

SCP-029-J: Comfortable back there? Would you like a bottle of water? I've got refrigerated, mineral, holy, transubstantiated into wine…

McIntyre: Err, haha, no I'm alright, but it's a little warm, can you turn up the AC?

SCP-029-J leans down towards the dashboard.

SCP-029-J: Come on Mike, ease up the fiery wings a bit, she's uncomfortable.

SCP-029-J-2: I swear. I've lead God's forces to glory for thousands of battles. I'm supposed to be your general, but now I'm climate control for lazy millenials today. Sheesh.

SCP-029-J-2 ceases to appear as a late model sedan, and can be seen in its angelic form (See Description). Its wings make up the bulk of the vehicle's chassis, with its face situated where the rear axle should be. SCP-026-J-1 continues to appear as non-anomalous wheels.

McIntyre: Holy fuck, what the fuck! Jesus Christ, what the hell is this?!

SCP-029-J: Hey! That's not very nice! Don't be a dick to Mike and Ray!

SCP-029-J-2: Yeah what the deuce, lady. I've got human butt meat on my face, and you're screaming at me?! I'm trying to do you a favor with the fire here!

SCP-029-J-2 returns to its physical appearance of a late-model sedan. SCP-029-J-1 begins turning at this point, prompting Foundation agents to follow.

SCP-029-J-1: Ow ow ow ow ow ow…

SCP-029-J-2: You okay Ray?

SCP-029-J-1: Broken…glass…ow.. Just had to pick the most run down hellhole on earth: New Jersey.

McIntyre has begun screaming at this point, and attempting to leave SCP-029-J's vehicle, but is unable to climb over SCP-029-J-2.

McIntyre: Oh god, oh god, oh god, please help me.

SCP-029-J: Yeah, I'm trying. Calm down lady. Ray, come on man, say the thing.

SCP-029-J-1: Alright, alright.

SCP-029-J-1 can be heard making a sound similar to clearing its throat

SCP-029-J-1: BE NOT AFRAID.

McIntyre stops panicking and appears shocked and agitated.

McIntyre: Are you fucking with me?! That's it?! "Be not afraid?"

SCP-029-J-1: Hey, it was good enough for his mom.

McIntyre: Wait…his mom…what the fuck, you're literally Jesus? That's not just a name?

SCP-029-J: Of course! We're all here to try and reach the people. And what better way, but through Uber! Jesus saves…you a trip! Ha!

Several seconds pass. SCP-029-J-3 ceases to play music.

SCP-029-J-3: Awkward.

SCP-029-J-1: By the way, we're here. Also, ow.

McIntyre: Open the fucking door.

SCP-029-J: Oh come on lady, I'm Jesus Christ, Lamb of God! I'm here to help!

McIntyre: Just open the door.

SCP-029-J: Okay, okay. No need to crucify anyone or anything. Ha-ha!

Several moments pass

SCP-029-J: No? Alright, open the door, Mike.

SCP-029-J-2 opens its side door, and McIntyre quickly exits in to the building.

McIntyre: FREAK!

Several moments pass in silence.

SCP-029-J: So…think she's gonna tip us?

Final Notes

According to SCP-029-J's profile, it was rated 1 star for this ride.

Addendum 2: Direct Foundation Contact

Close Addendum

Prepared by the Department of Intelligence

Reporter:

Agents Mathews

Date of Report

April 24, 2017

Incident

Direct contact with object

Summary

On 4/19/2017 Foundation agents successfully acquired SCP-029-J as their driver after [REDACTED] unsuccessful attempts. SCP-029-J simultaneously picked up 12 separate containment teams at the same time. The following is a transcript between SCP-029-J, the various entities that make up SCP-029-J's vehicle, and Agent Mathews; an expert in Abrahamic religious studies and a trained field agent.

Transcript of Encounter

Involved Foundation Assets: Agent James Mathews, Level 2, Religious Containment - Abrahamics

Encountered Anomalies: SCP-029-J, SCP-029-J-1, SCP-029-J-2, SCP-029-J-3, SCP-029-J-4

SCP-029-J: Alright, you guys have been trying to get me in to containment for what feels like forty eons, so I guess we should talk.

Agent Mathews: Excuse me? I'm just trying to get to Forest Hills.

SCP-029-J: Agent James Mathews, age 31, Foundation Level 2 Agent, you have two kids, a wife, and are having an affair with Jeanie from HR?

Agent Mathews appears distressed.

Agent Mathews: Wait, what?! How did you know about Jeanie?

SCP-029-J-2: …did you actually just ask God how he knows something?

Agent Mathews lifts his lapel mic slightly.

Agent Mathews: I am not having an affair.

SCP-029-J-2: Whatever man, you know he knows everything right?

Agent Mathews is informed of the other containment teams also being detained by SCP-029-J.

Agent Mathews: Wait, how are you here?

SCP-029-J: Okay say it with me, Omni…omni puh… omnipr…

Agent Mathews sighs.

Agent Mathews: Omnipresent.

SCP-029-J: Bingo.

Agent Mathews: Okay. So you know who I am, and what I'm here for. So I guess my question is: Why?

SCP-029-J: I've gotten a bad rap. We're here to try and improve my image.

Agent Mathews: And who, exactly is "we"?

SCP-029-J-1: I'm the wheels.

SCP-029-J-2: I'm the body!

SCP-029-J-4: We're the engine! Vroom vroom!

SCP-029-J: Yeah. Me, Ray, Mike, Gabe, and the Cherubs. I was just gonna have Ray do it, but it wasn't a great idea. He's a kick ass set of wheels-within-wheels but he doesn't get XM radio. I guess you could say, this is a real electric car! Ha!

Several moments pass in silence

SCP-029-J: See, in the Septuagint חשמל was translated as ἤλεκτρον, and from there…

Agent Mathews: No, I got it. I'm one of maybe four people in the world who would get that joke, and it still wasn't funny.

SCP-029-J-3 ceases playing the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack.

SCP-029-J-3: Awkward. If he knows we're angels, can I talk now? My throat's getting dry, from singing the whole time.

SCP-029-J: No, you're the radio, Gabe.

SCP-029-J-3: Fine. Doo doo do, dah dah dum…who are you what do you say you aaaahre!

SCP-029-J-3 continues vocalizing.

SCP-029-J-2: Your singing sucks, Gabe, you can't hit any of Judas' high notes properly.

SCP-029-J-3: Shut up, Mike. At least I don't have to get my wings dinged by drunks every night.

SCP-029-J-1: At least you don't have to drive on your EYES all night! Every night!

SCP-029-J-4 become visible, as a group of 12 visually non-anomalous Welsh corgis

SCP-029-J-4: Are we getting food soon? There's a Halal Guys on Halsey!

SCP-029-J: Heavenly host, I command you to stop complaining or so help me, I'll turn this chariot around!

SCP-029-J-1 through 4 in unison: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Agent Mathews: So…wait, you're telling me this 'car' that I'm in right now, is the Archangel Michael as the chassis, the Archangel Gabriel as the radio, Raziel, Lord of Thrones as the wheels, and is pulled by 12 Cherubim. And it's driven by Jesus?

SCP-029-J: Give this man a shekel! I figured if I do this, people can really get to know their savior.

Agent Mathews: Okay, so isn't your chariot supposed to have this giant multitude of angels, move the heavens and the earth, everything like that?

SCP-029-J hesitates for a moment

SCP-029-J: Uuuusually, yes. Circumstances were slightly different. Dad wouldn't lend me the regular throne-chariot. So instead, I've got my own sweet whip to drive people around in.

Agent Mathews: Sweet…wh..okay. So why did all of the angels help?

SCP-029-J-1: I owed him for a taco, and he said we'd be square.

SCP-029-J-2: He said he'd watch my dogs next weekend while I'm in Cabo.

SCP-029-J-3: I just like singing!

SCP-029-J-4: Wait, this is voluntary?

Agent Mathews: Okay one last question.

SCP-029-J: Of course.

Agent Mathews: Why do the Cherubim look like corgis?

SCP-029-J: They always look like that. How do you guys keep getting the descriptions so wrong?

Agent Mathews: I'd like to get out of the car, please.

Final Notes

After this incident, containment procedures were updated to reflect the current state.

Addendum 3: Human Resources Request

Close Addendum

Prepared by the Department of Human Resources

Reporter:

Agent Mathews

Date of Report

Apr 30, 2017

Content

Agent Mathews' resignation letter, in its entirety

I am not studying Jesus' fucking voltron angel car anymore.