Item #: SCP-012-J

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: An investigation is underway, to locate the “live studio audience”, SCP-012-J is supposedly recorded in front of. Until it is located, all Foundation staff are advised to be wary of exaggerated speech and body language, and implausible social faux pas. If an instance of SCP-012-J is suspected, staff are to refrain from vocalising any classified information.

Description: SCP-012-J is a phenomenon which infrequently affects the behaviour of Foundation sites' occupants, and how they are perceived by surveillance equipment. Footage of each instance of SCP-012-J is preceded by a short musical number, followed by the phrase “This episode of Special Comedy Procedures was filmed in front of a live studio audience”. While SCP-012-J is in effect, affected personnel will begin to speak more clearly, and periodically emphasise the end of sentences, after which, all subjects will remain silent for several seconds, while a soundtrack of multiple people laughing can be heard on the surveillance feed. In addition, surveillance equipment will periodically deactivate, commonly after a subject makes a confident claim regarding future events, surveillance will then resume when the claim is disproven, at which point the original speaker will resignedly comment thusly.

Below are the transcripts of each instance of SCP-012-J to date.

Incident 012/1

Incident 012/1

Incident: 012/1

Date: ██/██/████

Transcript:

(Officer Daniels enters the break room with a flamboyant arm gesture)

Officer Daniels: Hey everybody! What’s shakin’?

(Cheering and applause)

Officer Daniels: You know, some of the containment procedures around here are just crazy!

Agent Steele: What do you mean?

Officer Daniels: Well I was just putting SCP-999 into its pen, the lovable rascal, and it’s got security coming out the wazoo! Steel cell, pressure plates and laser sensors to make sure it’s in there, and blast shields like you wouldn’t believe!

Agent Steele: Dude, that’s not SCP-999’s containment pen.

Agent Bridger: Yeah man, that sounds more like SCP-096’s containment!

Officer Daniels: But if I just put SCP-999 in SCP-096’s containment cell, then that means… UH OH!

(A sad, trombone sound effect plays, followed by cheering and laughter)

Incident 012/2

Incident 012/2

Incident: 012/2

Date: ██/██/████

Transcript:

(Agent Myre enters the cafeteria and joins her co-workers at a table)

Agent Myre: Someone ask me how my day is going!

Agent Cliff: How’s your…

Agent Myre: Terrible!

(Laughter)

Agent Myre: I showed up late, spilled my coffee on my computer, and just now, I let SCP-████ out of containment!

Agent Danvers: Well shouldn’t you go catch it?

Agent Myre: Relax! I’ll get it after lunch, it’s only a Keter!

Agent Cliff: Keters are the worst ones!

Agent Myre: (Slaps the side of her face in shock) Well now you tell me!

(Roaring laughter)

Incident 012/3

Incident 012/3

Incident: 012/3

Date: ██/██/████

Transcript:

(SCP-012-J event begins moments after SCP-682 breaches containment. While a response unit is en route, Doctor Pakes attempts to negotiate with SCP-682)

Doctor Pakes: SCP-682, return to your containment cell, or you will be neutralised with extreme prejudice!

SCP-682: I will not be stopped this time! I will destroy every living thing on this planet!

Doctor Pakes: We will get you back in containment, same as always! I’m offering you a chance for it to be painless.

SCP-682: Nope! Not this time! I’m telling you there is absolutely no way you’ll recapture me again, not today, not ever, not in a million years!

(Image recording ends, and recommences several hours later, once SCP-682 is back in containment)

SCP-682: Well that went well!

(Hysterical laughter)

Incident 012/4

Incident 012/4

Incident: 012/4

Date: ██/██/████

Transcript:

(Agents Allum and Musker patrol Site ███████, in search of the escaped SCP-106)

Agent Allum: This kind of thing is exactly the reason I hate Mondays!

(Mild laughter)

Agent Musker: How will we know when we’re getting close to SCP-106?

(SCP-106 steps out of an adjacent wall and wraps an arm around Agent Musker’s neck, and drags her, screaming, back into the wall with it)

Agent Allum: Oh… I think we’ll know!

(Hysterical laughter)

(Moments later, the floor beneath Agent Allum begins to dissolve, and he slowly decends into SCP-106’s pocket dimension)

Agent Allum: (Places hands on hips) This would never happen on a Friday!

(Roaring laughter and applause)