

SCP-3988: Napoleon Bonyparts, Superstar Skeleton

Author: CadaverCommander

Item#: 3988

Containment Class: safe

Secondary Class: none

Disruption Class: vlam

Risk Class: notice

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3988 is to be contained in a standard low-threat humanoid containment cell, with occasional minor amenities provided in the event that its cooperative behavior continues. Exceptional requests may be granted in the event that any of SCP-3988's information leads to its creator's arrest.

Description: SCP-3988 is an animate human skeleton, approximately 1.8 meters in height and weighing roughly 8 kilograms.

SCP-3988 is sapient, and capable of speech in English despite lacking the tissues responsible for vocalization. It displays intelligence and is capable of cognition and problem-solving at a level roughly equivalent to that of an average human adult. It is resistant to damage, with its composite bones possessing fracture toughness and yield stress analogous to those of medium-carbon steel and a Mohs hardness of approximately 9.7. Despite this, it is physically frail due to its low mass, and encounters difficulty lifting weights greater than 7 kilograms.

The entity self-identifies as “Napoleon Bonyparts”, and claims that it is a product of thaumaturgic rituals performed by an unknown individual1 to whom SCP-3988 previously belonged, referred to by SCP-3988 as “Baron von Boneyard”, or more casually as “Doc”, “the boss”, or “Tony”. Its personality has been characterized by Foundation psychologists as predominantly genial and good-natured, albeit sarcastic and absent-minded. It possesses an apparent abundance of knowledge concerning necro-thaumaturgic principles, theory, and practice, some elements of which have been corroborated and verified by Foundation necromancers.

Apart from its state of anomalous animation, sapience, and durability, SCP-3988 displays no other overt anomalous properties. It requires no sustenance or physical upkeep and is not currently considered a threat to interacting researchers.

Discovery: SCP-3988's was initially located and detained in suburban Sacramento, California, United States of America. Over a period of several days, the Sacramento Police Department had received multiple reports of a “skeleton in a suit” wandering through the neighborhood of Glenwood Meadows, going door-to-door and attempting to distribute fliers advertising the services of a “licensed general-practice necromancer” by the name of “Baron von Boneyard”. Radio traffic from the precinct's central dispatch was flagged by Foundation listening posts embedded within the Sacramento area, and SCP-3988 was promptly brought into Foundation custody on July 8th, 2014 with minimal difficulty.

On SCP-3988's person were a small number of personal effects, including:

Clothing, consisting of a worn, gray three-piece pinstripe suit, vest, necktie, leather shoes, and black bowler hat, all missing manufacturer's tags or identifying marks

One pocket watch, gold

One pack of unfiltered Camel Straight cigarettes, three cigarettes missing

One lighter, Bic, green

Briefcase, brown leather, containing approximately 500 single-page folded brochures with information concerning the company/individual “Baron von Boneyard, General-Service Necromancer” and one unsealed, unmarked envelope containing a hand-written letter (text provided below)

One dagger, steel, double-edged, 27 centimeters in length

Apart from ridicule and sarcastic remarks, SCP-3988 did not resist its arrest by the recovery team. It has consistently cooperated with Foundation personnel since its containment and has been receptive to questioning and interview sessions. Notable example follows.

Date: 13 August, 2014

Interviewer: Humanoid Anomaly Specialist Dr. Stephanie Marquez, Level 3

Interviewee: SCP-3988

Setting: Humanoid Containment Site-188, Investigative Interview 3988-01

(Dr. Marquez enters interview cell and secures door behind her, then sits in the chair opposite SCP-3988. SCP-3988's hands are manacled to a restraining bracket welded to the desk.)

SCP-3988: Nyeah! Hello again, Doctor Lipstick! What a sight for sore sockets!

(Dr. Marquez opens her clipboard and prepares a notepad and pen.)

Dr. Marquez: Hello, SCP-3988. You… haven't forgotten my name, have you?

SCP-3988: I could never forget a knockout like you, darlin'! You make a bony sap like me wish he had a heart. I'd tear that ticker out and put it right in your hands where it belongs! No mistake!

(Dr. Marquez smiles.)

Dr. Marquez: I'll make a note of your flattery. You've been here more than a month, 3988, and according to this you've acclimated more or less successfully. No incidents. Good behavior, all things considered. Are your accommodations satisfactory? Any complaints since the last time we spoke?

SCP-3988: No way, Jose! Other than the bare walls, thin mattress, ugly jumpsuit, lack of smokes and absence of human contact, I'm just keeny peach! It's like a five-star resort! What a vacation destination you've got here! You must be booked to next century!

Dr. Marquez: I'm not entirely unsympathetic. We do have an incentivization program for residents that consistently show cooperation, so before the month is out, as long as you keep it up, we can see about getting you some amenities. How's that sound?

(SCP-3988's jaw partially dislocates. It reaches up to snap its mandible back into place before continuing.)

SCP-3988: Shiver me timbers, matey! Who told you how much I loves amenities? That's like my favorite kind of whatever! And boy howdy wow, it's good to know that I'm a resident! Here I was thinking I was some kind of prisoner being held against my will or something! What a comfort it is to have that dandy piece of information! Very reassuring! Like a cool refreshing ice cream cone in the middle of a goddamn blizzard!

(Dr. Marquez nods absently, writing a note.)

Dr. Marquez: I'm sure. Now, we have yet to conduct a proper intake interview, so that'll be the focus of this first session. I'll be asking you some questions about who you are, your background, and things like that. Honesty would be appreciated, if not exactly expected at this juncture. And if at any point you want to stop the interview, I'll leave and we can try again later. Alright?

SCP-3988: Sure thing, Doc! Don't worry, your beautiful face is the only light in the dark tunnel that my life's turned into! You're probably gonna have to cancel on me, I bet!

Dr. Marquez: Well, why don't we find out. Starting with the basics, do you have a name?

SCP-3988: Hot diggity dingo, you mean I still get to have one? Dat's just gweat! Yeah, I got a name! I'm Napoleon Bonyparts, superstar skeleton and gentleman extraordinaire! The lean, mean, schmoozing machine! Dapper fella and all-around swell guy, at your service!

(SCP-3988 removes its left hand with its right and taps its head with it in a mock salute, then reattaches it, deliberately replacing its restraints.)

SCP-3988: Nyeah, these cuffs is pretty dumb, when you think about it! On account of me being as discombobulatable as I am handsome! But I'll play along! Wouldn't want to make the brass look bad, am I right?

(Dr. Marquez blinks, then writes another note. Containment Control hails Dr. Marquez on her radio, but she declines an enforcement team.)

Dr. Marquez: I appreciate that, Napoleon. How did you get that name?

SCP-3988: The Doc gave it to me when he made me! Didn't want me rattling around without a name, he said! And that makes a bunch of sense to me! Gotta have a name to go with this pristine mug of mine! Also he thought it was hilarious! It's not!

Dr. Marquez: Right, the “Doc”. Or, according to this documentation, “Baron von Boneyard”. We're not familiar with him. Can you tell us anything about him?

SCP-3988: Sure! All kinds of things, probably!

Dr. Marquez: How about we start with who he is, exactly.

SCP-3988: He's a necromancer! A wizard! A disarming, debonair devotee of the dark disciplines of death itself! He pulls the strings, and the dead dance! Or at least that's what he programmed me to say when anyone asks!

Dr. Marquez: Programmed? Are you implying that you don't have free will?

SCP-3988: I'm a fully-autonomous necromantic construct with a prefabricated soul matrix! I gots all kinds of free will, sweetheart! I'm a advanced prototype! I was the first boneboy he ever successfully animated, and he used me as a guinea pig to work out his experiments! Loads of 'em! I've worn a lot of hats over the years and I gots a barrel of integrated compulsions that I have no control over whatsoever! If I was a real boy, I'd probably be committed! Because of all the mental brain insanity I've got!

Dr. Marquez: Insanity? From reading over these transcripts and interacting with you personally, I'd say you definitely seem eccentric, but I wouldn't necessarily say insane. What makes you say that?

SCP-3988: Oh this is an easy one! Imagine you knew exactly what your purpose was in life! No doubts, no questions! Good ol' certainty! Right? You get me?

Dr. Marquez: So far, yes.

SCP-3988: Then imagine one day that God Hisself decides that, actually, he actually wants you to be something else! And he changes you to be that new thing, without asking whether you're okay with it! Now you have to throw out your entire know-how of who you ever was! And he doesn't bother erasing your memories or nothing, so you get to be really confused and conflicticated! And then imagine that he does that a bunch more times over the course of a few years! I'm only seven years old and I've been one hundred and eleven different people!

Dr. Marquez: That… does sound difficult.

SCP-3988: Yeah! I was first made to be a jester! A jokey joke guy! I was supposed to make witty-cisms and be funny! I'm not even allowed to change my tone of voice to accurately reflect how miserable I feel basically all the time! I keep trying but it doesn't work! Haha! So what else do you want to know?

Dr. Marquez: Well. Ah… we can come back to that topic later, Napoleon, if you want. But for just now, can you tell us what the Baron's name is? Or where he is?

SCP-3988: Nope! Tony's really secretive, befitting a mastermind of his stature! I have no idea where in southern California his lair definitely is, or what his last name is, or which specific dental office he's employed at! He took most of those details out of my head! But not all of them, I guess!

(Dr. Marquez continues writing notes.)

Dr. Marquez: I… see. And what exactly were you doing in Glenwood, when we found you?

SCP-3988: Handing out fliers! Advertising! Just doing my latest job! Mr. Bonyparts, door-to-door salesman! The boss gave me the stuff, told me what to do, and sent me out there on my own! That was my directive! Tippy-tap around, throw some razzle-dazzle, and get the word out!

Dr. Marquez: So… your creator programmed you to advertise his business, and sent you out in public. Unattended. Without a disguise, or any kind of protection.

SCP-3988: Well, he did give me the Instant-Death Dagger to defend myself with! 'Cause of how I gots no muscles! That's a super-powerful magical artifact! Kills anyone it touches, guaranteed! But he never implanted any violent impulses in me or anything, so I didn't use it at all! Kind of scary! I'm a pass-o-fist by nature! Apparently!

Dr. Marquez: Actually, we did perform tests on the knife you had. We didn't find any anomalous properties of any kind. It's… just a knife.

(SCP-3988 vibrates briefly, clacks its jaw shut, and freezes for a short moment.)

SCP-3988: … Huh! Well I… guess he lied to me! Haha! Funny stuff!

Dr. Marquez: It doesn't seem to me like your Baron thought very much of this through, Napoleon. Especially considering the fact that you were captured and now you're… freely giving us all this information.

SCP-3988: You got that right, sister! But I've got faith he'll sort it all out and come get me in the end! Because he designed me to think that! Although, like with a bunch of other stuff, he didn't program me not to say that he's a total amateur who's in way over his head and in a lot of debt with some very specific and angry demons! So he had to come up with this “general practice” racket to try to make some scratch on the side! And he made up that part about being fully licensed! That doesn't even make any sense! Who's giving out necromancer licenses, Voldemort? I guess that's why he's working on an army! He's boxed in and he knows he's going to have to start swingin' soon! Between the demons and you guys, things aren't looking good for Baron von Boneyard! Haha!

Contents of Seized Letter

Close

Alright, Napoleon. It's crunch time. We've got to build the customer base and we've got to build it quick. Remember, focus on the afterlife communion and séance stuff more than anything else, people fall for that sentimental crap like dominoes and it's cheap as hell. You're walking proof this stuff works! Anyone that doesn't slam the door in your face is gonna be sold! Just work your charms and I'll be able to afford enough soulstuff to feed Gorzugaal, and I'll be able to get the reagents to stop Shiriok from watching me when I'm in the goddamn shower. Then we can quit out to the Caribbean, just like you wanted. We'll take the drones, load em up on a boat and knock over an island! I'll call it… Death Island, probably! We'll be sipping mai tais on a beach before the year's out, just you wait.

You're the man for the job, Napoleon, no bones about it. I'm counting on you. Stay safe and I'll see you in a few weeks. It's you and me against the world, buddy!

In light of the information gathered from repeated interviews, SCP-3988 has been allowed a small number of personal material requests to encourage continued cooperation, including access to cigarettes and cable television. Dr. Marquez has also filed an official request to begin therapeutic counseling sessions with SCP-3988 to address its incipient mental health issues, which is currently awaiting Ethics Committee review.

Investigation into PoI-6696 “Baron von Boneyard”'s whereabouts and activities is currently ongoing.

Footnotes

1. Tentatively designated PoI-6696

More From This Author

More From This Author

CadaverCommander's Works

SCPs

SCP-3889 •

SCP-4333 •

SCP-3396 •

SCP-3884 •

SCP-3899 •

SCP-1233 •

SCP-4553 •

SCP-3897 •

SCP-4449 •

SCP-3982 •

SCP-3588 •

SCP-4933 •

SCP-3885 •

SCP-5902 •

SCP-3983 •

Tales/GoI Formats

The Shape of a Gun •

Joey Fucknuts Believes In Himself •

Joey Fucknuts Builds a Flying Machine •

Joey Fucknuts Takes to the Skies •

Joey Makes a New Friend •

Other

CadaverCommander's Mobile Assault Necropolis •