BY ORDER OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL

The following document is considered a QUÄLGEIST-Class non-anomalous cognitohazard.

Proceed at your own risk

A research crew working on SCP-3034-J. All identifying features have been redacted by personnel request.

Item #: SCP-3034-J

Object Class: Whatever keeps it as far away from people as possible Thaumiel1

Special Containment Procedures: The area containing SCP-3034-J, currently a region of the Indian Ocean roughly 300km in diameter, is to be routinely patrolled by unmanned Foundation naval vessels. Under no circumstances are civilians allowed to attempt deep sea exploration or diving efforts in the quarantined area. Civilians attempting to enter the quarantined area are to be immediately deterred by a squadron of MTF Epsilon-13 ("Infernal Shocktroopers") armed with spray bottles.

Individuals associated with the "vore"2 community are not to be assigned to SCP-3034-J under any circumstances. Individuals affected by the anomalous properties of SCP-3034-J are to seriously rethink their life choices and get professional help.3 In the event that individuals fail to reconsider the consequences of their actions under the influence of SCP-3034-J, Class-E amnestics are to be administered immediately.4 D-Class personnel utilized for Protocol-612 "Deific Eulogy" are to NEVER, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, HAVE ACCESS TO ANY COMMUNICATIONS DEVICE.

Description: SCP-3034-J is a large aquatic serpent. The full length of SCP-3034-J is unknown, but is unfortunately large enough to swallow an indefinite number of humans. Similarly, the size of SCP-3034-J's mouth is unfortunately four meters from bottom to top, more than sufficient to consume humans.

SCP-3034-J demonstrates by far the most disturbing memetic effect the Foundation has had the displeasure of coming into contact with. Individuals who come within approximately 300 meters of SCP-3034-J will begin to vocalize a strong desire to be consumed by SCP-3034-J, and will take any available course of action to be consumed. This is considered to be a method by which SCP-3034-J catches prey and serves as an abomination before the eyes of God.5 Additionally, vocalizations by individuals under the influence of SCP-3034-J are to be considered a Class-ψ cognitohazard, and result in a φK-Class Loss-Of-Faith-In-Humanity scenario within 84.77% of exposed individuals who are not amnesticized within three days.

While normally a creature as atrocious as SCP-3034-J would warrant the "accidental" leaking of both the containment area and guard schedule to the Global Occult Coalition, SCP-3034-J has unfortunately proven itself invaluable to the Foundation through its spontaneous excretion of large masses of crystalline-form carbon and a proven catholicon for degenerative and abnormal cell growth (designated SCP-3034-J-1).6 As such, suspension of Protocol-612 "Deific Eulogy" would leave the Foundation vulnerable to XK-Class "I guess you like cancer" accusations.

The unfortunate fact that SCP-3034-J is invaluable to the Foundation has forced us to develop Protocol-612 "Deific Eulogy" after a majority vote by the Ethics Committee.7

Protocol-612 "Deific Eulogy":

+ Show instructions.

- Amnestics are available upon request

I'm not paid enough to copy down the whole thing. Here's my abridged version.

Fucking yeet a D-Class into the maw of SCP-3034-J, then collect the goods via drone.

Addendum 3034-J-A:

+ Initial Discovery of SCP-3034-J

- Remember, there are people who care for you and enjoy your presence in this world.

Mobile Task Force Gamma-39 ("In Over Their Heads") was assigned to investigate an unusual string of maritime disappearances.8

Alpha: Ok fellas, we've got a strange sea creature. Should be par for the course. This'll be my last dive before I retire on ██/██/████, so let's make it count!

Bravo, Foxtrot, and Echo vocalize their affirmation.

Alpha: Exiting airlock now.

Alpha, taking the position of the bottom of the "T", exits the airlock. Due to the rigid structure of the steel rods, the rest of the squad is unable to enter the water for 39.3 seconds. Eventually, Echo manages to tilt the formation in such a manner that the team is able to slide through at an angle.

Echo: I have visual on the skip. Best guess is that we're about 326.2527 meters from it.

Alpha: Alright men, as a little added incentive to get this done well, you're all invited to my retirement party. It will be held at ████, ███████ lane, and the date will be ██/██/████. My lovely family, including ████ ██████ will be present, and be sure to thank Dr. ████████ for my recent █████ surgery last ███sday.

Echo: Yeah, your party sounds fun, but getting eaten by that eel sounds much better.

Alpha: Excuse me, what?

Foxtrot: Sorry Alpha, I'm with Echo on this one. We should probably conduct an.. in depth exploration of this thing from the inside.

Alpha: Command, you all getting this? We've got a possible memetic effect coming from that sexy eel and we need assistance pronto.

Command: Affirmative. Stay put where you are, we'll send you more information about these cognitive effects as we receive it.

Bravo: Nah, let's check out the eel.

Foxtrot and Echo signal their support of Bravo's idea over Alpha's complaints and begin swimming towards SCP-3034-J, overpowering Alpha's attempts to go towards the surface.

Alpha: You little shits! If you get eaten by that thing you are uninvited to my retirement party, which I remind you is taking place at ████, ███████ lane!

Echo: Sir, our mission is to gain insight of the anomalous effects of SCP-3034-J, and my inner researcher is telling me that this can best be attained by entrance of SCP-3034-J.

Bravo: Expunge me, daddy!

Bravo swims into the mouth of SCP-3034-J.

Alpha: WHY THE HELL DID YOU SWIM INTO THAT THING? MY RETIREMENT WAS GOING TO [EXTRANEOUS IDENTIFYING INFORMATION REMOVED].

Echo: Sir, you appear to be suffering from some memetic effect and have lost track of the mission. I would advise you to clear your head before joining us.

Echo swims into SCP-3034-J's mouth, with the ensuing motion of the "T" bringing a jubilant Foxtrot into the maw as well.

Foxtrot: [DATA EXPUNGED]9

Alpha: I'm seeing piles of something next to that stud of an eel. Before I continue the mission, I'm going to send some of it up to y'all. Sorry I'm slowing down our timing a bit. Don't know what came over me. By the way, feel free to send as many people down here as you would like.

Command: Wait a second you thick…

Alpha entered SCP-3034-J immediately after sending a capsule full of diamonds and SCP-3034-J-1 to the surface.

Addendum 3034-J-B

The following document requires a Level 5/3034-J security clearance. Failure to successfully click the red words input these highly complex credentials will result in immediate termination.

+ INPUT LEVEL 5/3034-J CREDENTIALS

- Congratulations on surviving. You'll wish you didn't.

Analysis of SCP-3034-J has concluded that the memetic effect only manifests in 89% of cases. In other words, 11% of individuals "affected" by SCP-3034-J are acting entirely of their own volition. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish up the final paperwork and chug the gallon jug of amnestics that I pilfered from storage.

Consider this as my formal request to never be assigned to SCP-3034-J, or any other skip with a numerical designation in the 3000s.

Sincerely yours,

Researcher █████

Researcher Stone was found in his quarters passed out from an overdose of amnestics, with an empty milk carton clutched in one hand.

Addendum 3034-C:

.

+ Official statement from O5-█

- Close

AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM O5-█

What the fuck?

— Secure. Contain. Protect.

Footnotes

1. God help us.

2. If you don't know what that is, I am jealous of you.

3. Personnel under the delusion that SCP-3034-J is any sort of divine serpent are to be informed, in no uncertain terms, that they are fucking stupid.

4. This is not a punishment, as most personnel assigned to SCP-3034-J beg for amnestication within one (1) (●) (Uno) (壹) (How many bullets I'm putting in my head if I don't get some goddamn amnestics) week of beginning work with SCP-3034-J.

5. Don't be silly. SCP-3034-J is living proof that God doesn't exist.

6. This thing shits diamonds and the cure for cancer.

7. The ten members opposed committed ritual seppeku in protest, leaving the only remaining member to cast the singular affirmative vote.

8. The dive was originally going to consist of 3 members diving in a "T" formation before a logistics technician pointed out that without an individual in the intersection of the tethers, the formation would resemble a "Y" more than anything. Subsequent analysis concluded that the only satisfactory method of conducting a diving expedition in a true "T" shape would be to add one additional member on the intersection and replace the tethers with rigid steel rods to preserve the integrity of the "T".

9. It's for the best.