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Item #: SCP-3835

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: No individual Foundation agents are to occupy SCP-3835 for longer than fourteen consecutive hours. Personnel are not permitted to re-enter SCP-3585 until such time as their blood has a tetrahydrocannabinol level of no more than 2.5 ng / mL. Personnel assigned to SCP-3835 are to remain under the influence of at least 200mg of tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) for the duration of their shift. MTF Delta-20 ("Blaze It") is to patrol the perimeter surrounding SCP-3835 under the guise of local forest rangers.

Varying strains of THC are provided upon request.

Description: SCP-3835 is a non-Euclidean1 Papa John's Pizza located within a pollard beech tree in Catskill, New York. While normally imperceptible to the human eye, a door leading to SCP-3835's interior can be accessed while subjects are experiencing the effects of THC.

The interior of SCP-3835 resembles a non-anomalous Papa John's with one major difference; all windows, save for the small window within the door leading to the interior, are covered with bark. Pizzas prepared within SCP-3835 are comprised of wood, pine sap, and an unknown substance that are combined and physically transmuted within the on-site oven, though the exact nature of how this is accomplished is unknown. These pizzas, once processed, are indistinguishable from non-anomalous Papa John's brand pizza and can be purchased using non-anomalous currency or through bartering with an SCP-3835-1 instance.

SCP-3835-1 instances are green bipedal entities averaging a height between 0.9 and 1.2 meters. All SCP-3835-1 instances wear attire identical to that of standard-issue Papa John's uniforms. SCP-3835-1 instances are capable of speaking both English as well as an unknown, consonant-heavy language.

Interview SCP-3835-1 "Tristan"

SCP-3835 was discovered by Junior Researcher Umar Hadid during his leave of absence following the Post-Containment Incident. He was awarded a Greenhead Explorer Award and was granted permission to document the anomaly before returning to his leave.

Junior Researcher Hadid entered SCP-3835, accompanied by an armed escort comprised of members of MTF Delta-20. Upon the completion of his order2, an SCP-3835-1 instance agreed to an interview during its allotted break period. The following interview has been attached below.

Interviewer: Junior Researcher Umar Hadid

Interviewed: SCP-3835-1

<Begin Log>

J.R. Hadid: Alright dude, can you uh…

SCP-3835-1: ( Speaking an unknown language )

( There are several seconds of silence. Junior Researcher Hadid coughs several times and sniffles. )

J.R. Hadid: You. Name, please.

SCP-3835-1: Horith Ramos of House Valkayn. You've asked me that six times now.

J.R. Hadid: Sorry, I'm a little… cloudy.

( SCP-3835-1 nods and leans back in its chair. It pulls out a pocket knife and a small, semi-carved statue from its pocket and begins whittling. Delta 20 Alpha, Beta, Gamma and Echo take their seats at the adjacent table and observe SCP-3835-1. J.R. Hadid coughs and shakes his head. )

J.R. Hadid: What are you doing?

Horse SCP-3835-1: What, never seen a goblin whittle on his break before?

J.R. Hadid: I mean what are you doing here in this fucking tree?

SCP-3835-1: Running a Papa John's.

( J.R. Hadid leans his head back and sighs. )

J.R. Hadid: Look man, I'm just trying to get some work done so can you please give me a straightforward answer.

Horith SCP-3835-1: Let me ask you this, buddy. Why are you here? In our place? You and your friends got your pizza, you got your interview, got my name, what else do you want?

J.R. Hadid: An explanation.

( SCP-3835-1 scoffs. )

SCP-3835-1: For what? It ain't my business what you business affairs you pursue. Why are you so nosey?

J.R. Hadid: We're scien- we- we're scientists. Are you safe?

( SCP-3835-1 hands the now completed wooden sculpture to Delta 20-Alpha, who hands it to Beta. The sculpture animates and proceeds to move in a rhythmic manner that would suggest it is dancing. Beta, Gamma, and Echo are laughing. Alpha's attention remains focused on SCP-3835-1. )

( J.R. Hadid attempts to signal to Alpha but is unsuccessful. SCP-3835-1 frowns, pulls out a small block of wood and begins carving into it. )

SCP-3835-1: You know, what's funny? We were safe for a long time before you got involved. Those hairy fucks tried to wipe us out centuries ago. Our cousins graciously closed the well off before we could escape into the forest. Left us on this side of the shit show.

J.R. Hadid: What happened?

Hoith Horse Horith SCP-3835-1: They stole our names and fled, that's what. We had to improvise. By the time the big boys figured out where we went, well, they were too mellowed out to do anything about it. Couldn't stay focused long enough. Eventually, after enough of 'em went missing, we were at peace.

J.R. Hadid: Was this always ( He coughs ) a Papa John's?

SCP-3835-1: No. But times changed. Your kind likes their pizza, and my kind aims to deliver. Unlike DiGornio.

( J.R. Hadid laughs. SCP-3835-1 does not look up from its wooden carving. )

SCP-3835-1: And, you know after a while we stopped hearing from folks. Stopped seeing those behemoths. Stopped hearing from our friends and family. Started gettin' hungry.

J.R. Hadid: What'd you do?

( The initial statue returns to SCP-3835-1 with four wallets. Beta, Gamma, and Echo laugh. Alpha continues to stare as she consumes a slice of Hawaiian pizza. SCP-3835-1 stores the wallets in its pant pocket. )

SCP-3835-1: Made deals with the locals for food, money to buy food, construction efforts, you know how society works. And now…

( SCP-3835-1 sets the second statue on the table between it and J.R. Hadid. The second statue becomes animated and rolls tetrahydrocannabinol residue within a napkin. Using anomalous means, the statue lights the end of the rolled napkin before handing it to J.R. Hadid. )

SCP-3835-1: ( Rifling through the content of the wallets. ) Well, we all make a living somehow.

Footnotes

1. A location with dimensions that exceed the exterior of the building in which it is contained.

2. Which included a large Hawaiian pizza, among other unusual items.