Item #: SCP-5001-J

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5001-J is to be kept in a standard janitor's closet located at Site-22. To prevent unauthorized access, all data retrieved from SCP-5001-J is to be stored on a cassette tape labeled "Nickleback Silver Side Up".

Description: SCP-5001-J is a piece of cardboard on which a cassette player has been awkwardly attached with tape. On one side of the cardboard the words "LOST MY JOB! - HAVE THREE KIDS TO FEED! - GOD BLESS YOU!" have been scribbled on with a permanent marker. When worn, all nearby entities are unable to perceive the individual's existence or look in their direction, completely concealing the wearer. The cassette player contained a used tape, which has been transcribed as Archive 5001-J-1.

SCP-5001-J first appeared in a flash of light within SCP-579-J's containment chamber at Site-579 on ██/██/██, containing a corpse1 genetically identical to Foundation employee Pizzaro Wilona. Pizzaro Wilona currently owns and operates a pizza delivery restaurant2 within Exclusionary Site-06, and amnestic therapy has confirmed he has no knowledge of SCP-5001-J or memories concerning the events detailed within its archives.

Archive 5001-1:

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-1

It's-a me! Pizzaro!

I don't-a know what's happening but I might-a be the only one left!

Oh-a well, these-a Pizzas aren't going to deliver themselves!

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-2

Pizzaro is going to-a Foundation safe-a house to deliver the pizza order I received not-a long before they came.

An order for-a two large pizzas with extra pepperoni and-a sausage. I was just-a finishing them up when this-a group of women with guns walked in saying they were-a Task Force Zeta-69 ("Lonely Singles in Your Area"). The guards let-a them in and they-a started shooting.

But Pizzaro was-a smart! Bullets or not Pizzaro is never late-a to deliver! This-a homeless woman, she-a been standing in front of Site-06 for weeks! She go-a running when the Task Force come. She leave her cardboard-a sign! The cardboard sign-a now Pizzaro's!

Those-a crazy people did not-a take anything. Pizzaro happy because they did not-a rob my restaurant, but they-a checked the bodies. Another bullet for everyone-a.

They were-a here to kill us.

But long as Pizzaro have-a delivery to make, Pizzaro will not-a be killed!

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-3

Pizzaro make it to the safe-a house! Even after Pizzaro's Delivery van broke-a down in the desert! No matter, Pizzaro will deliver on wheels or on-a foot!

The Agents who order were-a dead, so Pizzaro leave the pizzas and take-a the money from their wallets. Pizzaro always deliver, but Pizzaro always get-a his payment too!

I'll-a rest here a bit before I leave!

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-4

Mama mia.

DOWNLOADED FILE 0001-1

Context: The HORROR!

The NERVE!

THEY-A DARE TO DO THIS!

The following is a message composed via consensus of the O5 Council.

For those that don't know, we are the SCP Foundation. For a hundred years our directive has been to collect all the world's monsters and other weird shit and put it in our weird shit jail.

Due to circumstances completely within our control, this directive has now changed. Our new mission will be the extermination of the human race.

Get fucked.

DOWNLOADED FILE 0001-1-2

From: Site-19 Online Order System

To: Pizzaro's Pizzaria

Two medium deep dish pizzas. Half sausage half pepperoni on one. Half cheese half pineapple on the other. With a side of garlic sticks.

They dare to defile my-a cuisine with-a pineapple!

They think it-a funny?

THEY THINK IT'S-A STILL 2017?

COMPOSED FILE 0001-1

The Foundation been-a releasing all their wacky things on everyone!

Relevant Anomaly
Action taken by the Foundation

SCP-001-J
The Foundation has allied with the Order of the Sacred Button Pushers and has made it their goal to press SCP-001-J. The site's automated defense systems, which had been made impossible to shut down even by the Foundation itself, have so far been able to fight them off.

SCP-020-J
Multiple instances of SCP-020-J are dropped in major urban centers worldwide. Hundreds have already kicked the bucket, and this number is expected to rise steadily.

SCP-729-J
SCP-729-J ceases all anomalous effects against Foundation personnel. It is now being paraded around battlefields worldwide, and entire platoons of soldiers have surrendered or retreated upon sighting it.

SPC-169-J
SPC-169-J is successfully punched through the use of an ICBF.3 Waking it from its long slumber and sending it on a rampage against coastlines along the Southern Atlantic. The Atlantic fishing industry is decimated and many starve.

SCP-TTKU-J
A thing matching SCP-TTKU-J's description is used to kill multiple politicians and heads of state, including individuals such as: [EXPUNGED BY ADVICE OF MY LAWYER]

SCP-666-J
Dr. Gerald is rapidly transported to the control centers of multiple large vehicles. Including: Buses, trains, large passenger airliners, military aircraft, warships, cruise liners, and several vehicular SCPs. No passengers from any of these vehicles have survived, and surrounding areas have been reduced to scorched wastelands.

SCP-014-J
[DATA EXPUNGED] Death toll has reached 5,000,000.

SCP-682-J
The security measures, which until recently have kept it relatively contained within the Foundation's control so as to minimize possible human casualties, have been removed, thus allowing for SCP-682-J to resume its homicidal intentions without Foundation interference, as the Foundation now sees this as beneficial to its goal. From this information one can conclude that this particular creature has begun a massive killing spree throughout nearby communities, and will kill many more in the following months. (which, again, is now beneficial to the Foundation's goal, as opposed to before when they intended on keeping it contained so as to do the opposite.)

DOWNLOADED FILE 0001-2

Context: Some-a news footage Pizzaro save.

<Begin Log>

(Reporter Maria Henderson is speaking from a GOC evacuation tent. Next to her is a GOC Operative.)

Maria Henderson: - repeating what you've previously put out, the Global Occult Coalition has organized the evacuation of civilians from dangerous sites.

GOC Operative: That's right, the GOC is here to defend you! If you can, find a way to get to one of our evacuation sites. If you can't, stay inside and barricade yourself with whatever- OH SHIT A CHAIR!

(The GOC Operative and several more soldiers draw their weapons and unload them into a nearby dining chair until it's reduced to scraps. Maria keeps her head down until it's over.)

GOC Operative: It's over, we're safe now.

Maria Henderson: That was the bravest thing I've ever seen!

GOC Operative: Just doing our job ma'am. Nothing stands in our way of protecting humanity!

(The Operative holds his weapon to his chest and gazes off into the distance. An eagle is heard screeching from somewhere in the background.)

Maria Henderson: Truly you're going to be the saving grace of humanity! I can think of no better-

<End Log>

This when all the TV and internet went-a down. How will Pizzaro get his orders now?

Pizzaro can put-a photograph on this?

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-5

With all the food-a here Pizzaro could survive for years. But Pizzaro still-a has the order for Site 19! And Pizzaro never fails to deliver! Hope they understand Pizzaro cannot-a do pineapple!

When Pizzaro was-a boy in Italy, Papa was-a pizza chef. Is a family business you see? Then one-a day this American Tourist come. He say he want-a pineapple! He threaten to leave-a bad review if Papa did not-a do so!

So Papa put-a the pineapple onto the pizza. When he was-a done he cried for months! Everyone in Italy shunned-a him, and Papa died of sadness not long after.

That's when Pizzaro knew. An Italian chef cannot put-a pineapple on-a pizza, it-a go against his very blood.

Pizzaro could-a never recover in Italy. So Pizzaro move-a here to America where Pizzaro can show these people real-a pizza!

But-a now the world is being destroyed. And Pizzaro don't-a know if he can make this delivery. But Pizzaro must try! Pizzaro has never failed before!

RECORDED FILE 0001-1

Context: Pizzaro found-a some Foundation peoples after leaving the shelter. They-a being very weird.

<Begin Log>

(Pizzaro sees some Foundation soldiers. Nine in a line, the Commander is walking in front of them. They look like MTF Emerald-9 ("Villagers").

Commander: (to first soldier in line) Performing the test.

Soldier #1: (affirming villager noise)

(The Commander takes out a photograph and holds it up to the soldier. The soldier looks directly at it, there is no reaction.)

Commander: You're cleared.

(The soldier nods. The Commander proceeds to hold the image to each soldier in the line in the same way, with no reaction from any of them, until the eighth, who begins to sweat. He seems to sneakily lower his gun to cover his pants, but is noticed.)

Commander: (shouting) Got a live one!

(The Commander and all other soldiers quickly aim their guns and fire upon Soldier #8, killing him. He drops to the ground. The Commander then moves to the ninth soldier and shows him the image - no visible reaction.)

Commander: Alright, we're clear. Move out.

(MTF packs up their supplies and leaves the area, leaving the corpse of the dead soldier and the photo where it is.)

<End Log>

Closing Notes: Pizzaro take-a look at the photograph. Was of-a very strange furry monster with-a wolf skull.

RECORDED FILE 0001-2

Context: Strange-a message from the radio.

<Begin Log>

Voice: Seven. Can you hear me? Five. I would like one large antimemetic pizza. Nine. Please deliver it to: [UNLOCK LOCATION FOR 1,000 TELEKILL!].

<End Log>

Closing Notes: The voice-a went away when Pizzaro find out the radio was broken. Pizzaro never received-a order through-a broken radio, but it does not-a matter! Pizzaro always fulfills his orders!

COMPOSED FILE 0001-2

Pizzaro got-a to Site 19 and delivered the Pizzas to the Researchers. They did not-a seem human. Their eyes were-a missing something, they were talking about how to maximize how many people they-a killed, but most of all they did-a not even tip Pizzaro!

So Pizzaro stole-a card from-a staff as revenge. Pizzaro use it to access their system so Pizzaro can check-a the website. But Pizzaro find-a timeline instead.

Date
Events

16/12/2019
The O5 approve a project called 'NEWMAN',4 a massive project exploring the collective human social sphere: the interspace. Also known publicly as the internet.

17/12/2019 11:00AM
Project NEWMAN's first results are received. Much of the information is from social media and various art sharing websites.

17/12/2019 11:06AM
The O5 Council and the Ethics Committee vote unanimously in favor of exterminating the human race.

The Foundation is releasing more of their spooky-a wacky things!

Relevant Anomaly
Action taken by the Foundation

SCP-1394-J
Reality restructuring devices make all GOC hardware require the use of SCP-1394-J. The anomaly's effect is increased from two incorrect insertions to eight before proper insertion is possible. The GOC reports a 27% decline in productivity.

SCP-1089-J
Powerful thaumaturgical spells have been cast through much of France, rendering large swaths of flooring and carpet susceptible to SCP-1089-J's effects. Thousands of pens, keycards, and even smaller infants have been confirmed lost.

SCP-1294-J
SCP-1294-J has been lifted by helicopter and is continuously pouring a stream of water on a secure GOC installation called Ganzir.5 The water should rust the walls enough to breach the facility in under ████ years.

SCP-014-J
[DATA EXPUNGED] Death toll at 78,000,000.

SCP-666½-J
SCP-666½-J is implanted in London's Red Cross food supply and dispersed among citizens taking shelter in SCP-1678. Within 36 hours, millions drown as all of underground London is submerged in a soup of watery excrement and tears.

Pizzaro going to check-a his new orders.

[FILES DELETED]

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-6

Pizzaro don't-a know what Pizzaro been doing. Pizzaro cannot remember the past-a three months.

There's-a very strange pizza box in Pizzaro's hands. Pizzaro know it's not-a round pizza. And Pizzaro needs to deliver it to Site-579.

[FILES DELETED]

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-7

Pizzaro been-a walking past-a lotta dead people. Pizzaro hope-a he no end up one too! But lucky for Pizzaro this disguise still-a working perfect.

Was-a dead boy in a house. Pizzaro was-a looking for more ingredients for the restaurant. Pizzaro find-a him in the kitchen. Were many worms under his-a skin that had faces and laughed. Pizzaro left after that, Pizzaro try to find-a cleaner kitchen!

[FILES DELETED]

COMPOSED FILE 0001-3

This-a pizza is the best pizza Pizzaro ever make! Pizzaro hope-a anyway. Pizzaro no remember making it!

When Pizzaro open the pizza, all the things trying to kill Pizzaro stop to take-a in the delicious smell! Then Pizzaro can get away!

Pizzaro still has not-a looked at the pizza itself. It's-a still warm after all this time. But Pizzaro no want to risk getting it cold!

Pizzaro found-a computer from-a dead Foundation man. Pizzaro use it to try and check-a the website for orders, but Pizzaro only find-a more lists of wacky things.

Relevant Anomaly
Action taken by the Foundation

SCP-2002-J
The Foundation uses the corpse of SCP-2002-J to reverse-engineer its anomalous effects for its own use. Through multiple sets of statistically unlikely events, the Foundation is rendered immune from any laws regarding homicide, mass murder, and crimes against humanity.

SCP-2029-J
SCP-2029-J is connected to several worldwide defense networks and causes unimaginable damage, becoming (in its own words): "That Spacenet thing from the big robot movie. Now when's that hot chick going to get here?"

SCP-2317-J
SCP-2317-J has been opened. Casualties are predicted to reach the millions once the Foundation develops a way to get SCP-2317-JK to fit through the door.

SCP-2383-J
Purple tests are being used to develop superweapons to destroy Ganzir.

SCP-2559-J
Portals have opened up worldwide, each spewing out hundreds of liters per second of kittens. Entire cities are reported buried under the growing fluffpiles.

SCP-2719-J
Instances of SCP-2719-J are airdropped over Russia and China. Social cohesion completely breaks down within 90 minutes. Total nuclear exchange follows soon after.

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-8

Pizzaro find some GOC soldiers around-a fire. Pizzaro went on their computer to look at my-a website. But was only more wacky logs!

Pizzaro hope the orders don't-a back up!

DOWNLOADED FILE 0001-3

Context: Is-a wacky recording from the GOC place!

<Begin Log>

Commander Morrison: Do you know where you are?

Samuel Ross: No.

(Pause.)

(Pause.)

(Pause.)

Commander Morrison: We caught you trying to sneak into the city, then you started firing into the crowd and killing everyone.

Samuel Ross: (laughs)

Commander Morrison: How is this funny?

Samuel Ross: Sorry, the memetics that the Foundation used to free me had a couple side effects. One of them was laughing at senseless violence.

Doctor Rhodes: And the other one?

Samuel Ross: The overwhelming urge to make inflammatory but annoyingly cryptic statements. Like how you were a hypocrite just now for chastising me over killing women and children.

Commander Morrison: Hypo…? Whatever, we don't care, just tell us why you're killing everyone!

Samuel Ross: I'm not telling.

Commander Morrison: Tell us.

Samuel Ross: No.

Commander Morrison: Tell us.

Samuel Ross: No.

Commander Morrison: Tell us.

Samuel Ross: No.

Commander Morrison: Tell us.

Samuel Ross: No.

Commander Morrison: Tell us.

Samuel Ross: Okay.

(Pause.)

Samuel Ross: Inaudible.

Doctor Rhodes: What?

Commander Morrison: Did you just say the word "inaudible"?

Samuel Ross: Yes, because I can't tell you. It's something you have to see for yourself.

Commander Morrison: Alright, prove it.

Samuel Ross: Take out your phones and go to [INFORMATION EXCISED].net

(The sounds of Commander Morrison and Doctor Rhodes removing their phones from their pockets are heard, followed by the sound of keyboard tapping.)

Commander Morrison: Oh… OH MY… (gagging)

Doctor Rhodes: I've… I've done colonoscopies that are… less… (gagging)

(Commander Morrison and Doctor Rhodes can be heard vomiting loudly, followed by two gunshots.)

Samuel Ross: I knew you couldn't handle it. Look what you did to yourselves. You know who's going to have to clean that up? …Well, not me, but someone I assume. They won't be happy.

(Pause.)

Samuel Ross: …disgusting.

(Pause.)

Samuel Ross: Because of the lizard.

(Pause.)

Samuel Ross: That's the thing he says.

(Pause.)

Samuel Ross: Whatever, you guys wouldn't get it.

<End Log>

[FILES DELETED]

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-10

Pizzaro getting tired. But that-a no matter. Pizzaro has to deliver this-a pizza! Even if this the last-a thing Pizzaro do!

But-a when Pizzaro open the pizza lately, Pizzaro don't-a make as much progress as Pizzaro used to. Whatever helping Pizzaro, it-a growing weaker.

COMPOSED FILE 0001-4

Relevant Anomaly
Action taken by the Foundation

Cimmerian-Kaktus Proposal
SCP-001-J leaves over 100,000 voicemails clogging the GOC Nexus. Marshall, Carter, and Dark Ltd declares bankruptcy after their monetary assets are infiltrated and redirected to SCP-001-J's bank account.6

SCP-3001-J
500 of the highest ranking members of various resistance movements are transported to and trapped within SCP-3001-J. Plans are being drawn up for recovery operations, though this was hampered when all nearby sources of toilet paper were found to have been raided right after the Foundation began their assault.

SCP-3034-J
Sent to intercept the GOC's main fleet, what followed was [DATA EXPUNGED]7, otherwise known as a VK-Class Mass Vore event. The GOC is permanently neutralized as a threat.

SCP-3999-J
Researcher Talloran and his companions have been terminated, allowing for SCP-3999-J to breach containment and cause widespread destruction.8

Mama Mia.

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-10

Pizzaro still-a walking to Site-579. There been more-a wacky things showing up!

There-a weird stone soldiers with those-a Spanish hats and stick-shakers! They look-a so wacky but they very deadly!

There was another thing-a too. A big monster! It look-a like-a big banana, it was stretched like-a kneaded dough across the sky and very angry! And the Foundation was-a shooting and fighting it!

Pizzaro ran away. Pizzaro cannot-a lose the pizza!

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-11

Pizzaro watch-a little girl die. Pizzaro did not-a help.

She was-a so hungry, so weak. She reach-a out and ask Pizzaro for a little bite-a of the pizza. With tears Pizzaro tell her: "No, this-a pizza for the customer."

Then-a she fall over and-a die.

Pizzaro no feel good.

COMPOSED FILE 0001-5

Relevant Anomaly
Action taken by the Foundation

SCP-4297-J
After the eradication of all humans in Australia, SCP-4297-J were able to organize and create the Great Emu Empire, beginning their invasion of Southeast Asia not long after.

SCP-4357-J
Released from containment while boasting about the widespread destruction it intended to bring. He was promptly recontained by several employees at a nearby Walmart 2 hours later.

SCP-014-J
[DATA EXPUNGED] Death toll at █,███,███,███.

SCP-5150-J
The Foundation attempts to distribute SCP-5150-J through major urban centers to spread degeneracy and chaos. They were puzzled to find another organization had already done so previously.

SCP-6140-J
SCP-6140-J is released from containment, causing a UK-Class "End of The World" scenario on top of the current FUK-U-Class "Foundation Destroys Humanity to Kill an Extra Dimensional Entity" scenario. British Colonies have appeared throughout the Northern and Southern Atlantic. Deaths due to oral diseases skyrocket.

S Andrew Swann's Proposal9101112
Contact is made with a member of SCP-001 for negotiations. The Foundation agrees to promote said member's 'works' by cross-testing them with other, more popular entries in the database. In exchange, SCP-001 agrees to create a new SCP entry consisting of a button that destroys humanity when pressed. Unfortunately this article was voted down and deleted before the Foundation could use it. The deletion was accompanied by several comments criticizing the idea.

RECORDED FILE 0001-3

Context: NO INPUT

<Begin Log>

View is of the interior of an abandoned Pizza Hutt. A teenage girl is sitting next to a fire. A shiny necklace is hanging on her neck.

Girl: Shit! I don't have any change!

Pizzaro takes off the cardboard sign. The girl picks up a rolling pin.

Girl: Wait, who are you?!

Pizzaro: I'm-a Pizzaro! From Pizzaro's Pizza!

Girl: Wait… you're the pizza guy from Site-06.

Pizzaro: Pizzaro's Pizza! Always five-a star delivery!

Girl: How in the fuck are you still alive?

Pizzaro: Pizzaro had to deliver-a order. Pizzaro find-a disguise!

(Pizzaro holds up his cardboard sign.)

Girl: Damn, that is good, might even be better than our exclusion harness.

Pizzaro: Pizzaro no know what-a that is. Can you tell Pizzaro why you-a here!?

Girl: I don't really know. They sent us a bunch of files. A lot of screenshots of bad tweets, vomit-inducing 4chan posts. Even some pictures of that wolf-thing from that app doing… I won't get into that. It didn't have an effect on me because-

Pizzaro: No no no! Why are you in this-a place!?

(He gestures to the Pizza Hutt sign outside.)

Pizzaro: This place is-a mockery of my heritage! Of-a my art!

(He holds up his pizza box.)

Girl: …Are you fucking for real!? Corpses of dead kids are piled up outside!

Pizzaro: There is nothing more-a important than the customer! The customer and good-a food! Good-a food and… and…

(Pizzaro's eyes begin to tear up.)

Pizzaro: And Pizzaro been-a through so much! So much-a death! All Pizzaro know-a how to do is make and deliver good-a pizza! Is the only thing Pizzaro can do!

Girl: (sighs) Look, I'm sorry, I've been through a lot too. I'm also headed somewhere, do you want to tag along?

Pizzaro: (sniffs) Pizzaro cannot-a. Pizzaro has to deliver this pizza you see. An order from-a Site-579. But Pizzaro no know if he can make it. It's-a been so hard-

Girl: 579? Why are- Wait…

(The Girl gets up and darts to Pizzaro. She opens Pizzaro's pizza box, whatever is inside is shining a yellow glow on her face.)

Girl: (whispering) A square peg in a round hole.

Pizzaro: Hey!

(Pizzaro slams the pizza box closed and yanks it away.)

Pizzaro: That's not-a your pizza!

Girl: (chuckles) Yeah, your 'pizza'… I think you should deliver it.

Pizzaro: Re- really? You think Pizzaro should keep-a going?

Girl: No. You need to keep going. I think your 'customer' will be very happy to receive it.

(Pizzaro smiles.)

Pizzaro: Th- Thank-a you.

(The Girl smiles back and begins to leave. She stops at the doorway.)

Girl: And if they don't… I know where to find a good hole to toss yourself.

(She twirls her necklace in her hand as she says this. Then walks away into the darkness.)

<End Log>

[FILES DELETED]

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-12

This my-a strangest customer yet! Pizzaro feel like there-a gun pushing Pizzaro in. Pizzaro don't-a know what in Site-579, but it smells the pizza!

RECORDED FILE 0001-4

Context: Mama mia! Mama mia!

<Begin Log>

(Pizzaro is running through a hallway. The lights flicker, a statue of a soldier is seen snarling. It's wearing a sombrero and holding a pair of castanets which are covered in barbed wire and razor blades.)

Pizzaro: (Cursing in Italian.)

Disembodied Voice: SKIP THIS LEVEL FOR ONLY 1,000,000 TELEKILL!

Closing Notes: They-a smell the pizza too!

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-13

They can't-a see Pizzaro, but they know Pizzaro here! They-a wacking everything with their loud-a sticks! But this-a pizza must be delivered!

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-14

Pizzaro made it! Thank you Papa! Pizzaro delivered!

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-15

That's not-a fair!

Pizzaro made the delivery! Pizzaro walk-a across the world! All to deliver this-a pizza!

Pizzaro did not-a see the customer. So Pizzaro look-a down into the pit! AND IT'S-A BIG-A PIZZA! SCP-579-J IS-A BIG MEMETIC PIZZA!

There were-a no toppings on the pizza! So Pizzaro look-a into the box Pizzaro delivered! IT-A WAS NOT A PIZZA! IT'S-A BUNCH OF PINEAPPLE!

PIZZARO BEEN-A CARRYING AROUND SLICES OF PINEAPPLE AND NOW PIZZARO HAS-A TO PUT IT ON THE BIG PIZZA!

Pizzaro has to jump and throw the pineapple on-a the pizza if Pizzaro want to finish this delivery! But the fall will-a kill Pizzaro!

But can Pizzaro do it? Can Pizzaro put-a the pineapple on-a the pizza? It-a go against Pizzaro's blood! It-a go against Italy!

But this the only way to fix-a everything!

What is-a happening? What does the pizza need-a from the pineapple? What is-a happening? What does it-a want? What is this-a going to do? What is-a happening?

But… Pizzaro has to. Pizzaro has to make everything right! Even if Pizzaro don't-a get it.

I'm-a sorry, Papa.

They-a about to get in. Mama mia.

SCP-579-J with SCP-055-J applied.

JOURNAL ENTRY 0001-18

Oh… so that's-a how it is.

[YOU DIED. RESPAWN FOR 1,000,000,000 TELEKILL?]

Why!?

What?

There's so many other entities to choose from. Fuck's sake there's a big blob that will literally turn into your ideal fantasy! Draw pictures of that!

It doesn't matter, we've confirmed it. All this horrible stuff, the pictures, the hate, the stupidity. It's all the work of the banana.

Even if it wasn't I'd still have voted yes.

Well whatever, let's just this omnicide started.

Think we can pull it off without anyone stopping us?

Not unless some obscene Italian stereotype sacrifices himself to put a bunch of pineapple on a big pizza and reset the timeline.

…And we're doomed.