Item #: SCP-4272

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: A Gorton Field Generator1 is to be installed in all major art museums.2 The current YouTube algorithm is to be edited to suppress the channel "Big Johnny Reviews" and all content within from appearing in the sidebar of recommended videos. All works of art taken by SCP-4272 are to be considered lost, and replacements are to be fabricated to take their place. Foundation agents embedded within art museums are to be given fast-acting tranquilizer pistols for potential use in containing SCP-4272.

Description: SCP-4272 is an obese middle aged male of indeterminate ethnicity. SCP-4272's primary anomalous properties are as follows:

On-command instantaneous matter transference. This is limited to SCP-4272 and items3 in direct contact with SCP-4272.

Control of recording devices within the immediate vicinity.4 The devices in question do not have to be intact or functioning for SCP-4272 to be able to successfully utilize them.

Digital content created by SCP-4272 is unable to be removed from the hosting platform.

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Transcripts of videos produced by SCP-4272

Video Title: Big Johnny Reviews Water Lily Pond

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[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

SCP-4272 is sitting in the driver's seat of a parked car.

SCP-4272: What's up YouTube, it's me, ya boy, Big Johnny back at it again with another review for you. Today we're going to be reviewing some art. So a lot of people have been saying that this-

SCP-4272 pulls Water Lily Pond by Claude Monet from the passenger's seat.

SCP-4272: is pretty good. We're gonna put that to the test! Just judging by appearance, it looks nice, good presentation on this one. Obviously the guy put some nice work on this, love it when you get people who care for the stuff they make. Some reviewers have put this as one of the best pieces of all time, but as I always say, ya don't know it until you try it!

SCP-4272 begins messily devouring the painting for thirty seconds, with enough vigor to noticeably shake the car.

SCP-4272: Mmph, that's good. The ingredients really-

SCP-4272 pauses to noisily lick its fingers.

SCP-4272: blend together well. High-quality canvas. It's leaving a bit of a bad aftertaste though, and the frame didn't quite have the crunch to elevate this piece up to the top. I give it-

Three pictures of SCP-4272's face appear overlaid on the video.

SCP-4272: three BJs outta five. I would eat it again, but there are some issues with the dish that hold it back from being truly excellent. Anyways, that's all for today. If you enjoyed this review or found it helpful, leave a like, and if you disagree with anything I said be sure to let me know in the comments below. This is Big Johnny, signing off.

- Close.

Video Title: Welcome to Big Johnny Reviews! (Channel Trailer)

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[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Video begins with a black screen.

SCP-4272: In a world where most art critics are little pansies who want to sound smart more than they want to crit art, only one man can bring the art the appreciation it deserves.

Techno music can be heard softly in the background. Multiple clip arts of famous art pieces appear onscreen. Dance at Le Moulin by Edward Renoir, Nighthawks by Edward Hopper, and Campbell's Soup Cans by Andy Warhol are all visibly present.

SCP-4272: While those so-called critics are content with just looking on, my philosophy has always been different. Seeing a picture of a painting is essentially the same as seeing the painting. In fact, most of the pieces I've reviewed here have been replaced without any of them noticing! There's nothing really distinguishing a good photo of art with the art itself… except one thing! Let's appreciate art in its entirety!

The background music gets noticeably louder. It is recognizable as dubstep. Several clips of SCP-4272 messily devouring art play in a sequence seemingly chosen to make SCP-4272's vocalizations louder with each consecutive clip. Multiple filters for vibrant and pulsing colors have been applied over the chosen clips.

SCP-4272: Join me on my journey to take art out of the hands of these elitists and bring new appreciation to old art!

The final thirty seconds contain only graphics encouraging viewers to subscribe to the channel and follow SCP-4272 on multiple anomalous social media sites.

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Video Title: Q&A with the big ol' J! (Part 1 of 3)

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[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

SCP-4272 is seated in a parked car. The windows of the car are covered in snow.

SCP-4272: What's up, Big Johnny here! So a while back I asked you lovely people to submit some questions ahead of time, and I'll be answering some of them here! Scrolling down, the first question is from Northmound. North asks "What's the best part of your job as a YouTuber?" I'd have to say you all. Full disclosure, I wasn't in the best place when I started this channel, and honestly just seeing people enjoying me for who I am has been an incredible feeling. Yeah, everyone says it, but I actually mean it. Now, Fireblood60 asks, "What's your favorite piece that you've reviewed?" Honestly, I can't pick a favorite. There are a couple that I've given 5 outta 5s on, but the best part of this job is that they're just varied as hell. Like, if I had to just choose one it would be The Scream, but it's like comparing apple pie to chocolate fondue: they all have completely different strong suites. MudaMuda14 is next, with the question "What caused you to start doing full-time reviews?"

SCP-4272 pauses.

SCP-4272: Well, there was some stuff with a bunch of people who were kinda mean to me. I mean, I had my quirks, don't we all, and they saw it as an excuse to target me. For years, actually. Beat me up a lot. Long story short-

SCP-4272 pauses.

SCP-4272: I left. Didn't want that negativity in my life. Set up shop somewhere else. Anyways, that's all the time we have today. I'm thinking this'll be a three-parter, so expect the next part tomorrow.5

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Video Title: Big Johnny Reviews 10K Subscriber Special Livestream Highlight

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[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

SCP-4272 is in the Louvre. The footage is seemingly taken by multiple security cameras. The timestamp reveals that this footage begins at 1:26 AM local time.

SCP-4272: Hey everybody, thanks so much for ten thousand subs! Honestly, this channel is the best thing to happen to me for a while, and I couldn't keep it going without all of you. Now, from the comments in my previous videos, I asked what you guys wanted to see for 10k. The overwhelming response was to see how I get this art in the first place. Well, I'm here doing this for y'all. Welcome to my personal snack bar!

SCP-4272 walks clumsily through the aisles, tripping multiple alarms as he does.

SCP-4272: Shit, that usually takes longer to happen. Well, looks like we're on a time limit! Should make things more exciting.

A guard comes running around a corner ten meters ahead of SCP-4272.

Guard: Arrête toi là!6

SCP-4272: I'd surrender, but that's your job croissant boy.

SCP-4272 begins running away from the guards, taking the first turn available. On the way, SCP-4272 rips a security camera off of the wall. The camera takes the place of actively recording SCP-4272 despite significant structural damage.

SCP-4272: Huh, uh, these guys usually, uh, have tasers, huh, and we don't like that, uh, let's get something and skidoodle. Lucky for me I always come prepared.

SCP-4272 knocks over a nearby sculpture, causing it to crash to the ground and shatter into pieces.

SCP-4272: Pretentious pricks never think carpet is good enough for them. I think I'm close…

SCP-4272 trips and falls. The guard can be heard approaching.

SCP-4272: Holy shit, did I just fall next to what I think?

SCP-4272 angles the camera to reveal St John the Baptist by Leonardo Da Vinci.

SCP-4272: Jackpot.

SCP-4272 attempts to grab the painting, but is stopped by the glass shielding. SCP-4272 grunts and pulls a hammer from its waistband.

SCP-4272: Y'aint doing much there anyways.

SCP-4272 rips the painting from the frame and stuffs it into the back of its sweatpants. The guards arrive in time to witness SCP-4272's retrieval of the painting.

Guard: Qu'est-ce qui ne va pas avec toi?7

SCP-4272: Anyways folks, that's all the time we have today. Thanks again for ten thousand subs, and I'll see you all in the next video!

SCP-4272 vanishes immediately, along with a small8 portion of the floor which was in contact with its arm. The video ends two seconds after SCP-4272's disappearance.

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Addendum 4272-A:

The following video was uploaded three days after the current containment procedures were enacted.

Video Title: I got (effectively) demonetized

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[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

SCP-4272 is in a parked car. Dried tears are visible on its face.

SCP-4272: So, it's come to my attention that the YouTube algorithm is doing everything in its power to keep people from watching my vids. Honestly, it's pretty bullshit. I've been making content here for a couple years now, and we were just starting to get big before this happened. For those of you who don't know what happened, basically this entire channel isn't showing up for people at all unless you specifically search like the exact title of the vid. Kinda sucks, since this is how I earn my keep. Also, none of my subs are getting notifications when I post stuff. We're gonna have to go to a word of mouth type thing, and I'm opening a Patreon for anyone who wants to chip in, link in the description.

SCP-4272 pauses.

SCP-4272: And an open message to the pricks messing with my channel: Stop. I'm not hurting anyone besides some pretentious rich people who look at art as a price tag to launder money with. Nobody besides them even knows the ones on display now aren't real. I'm not hurting anybody, and I never will again. So just let me bring some joy into the lives of me and my fans and go do your own thing.

SCP-4272 pauses.

SCP-4272: Sorry for this one being a bit of a downer, guys. I'll be back soon with more content, I'm just a little bummed out about this. This is Big Johnny, signing off. See you all in the next video.

- Close.

Footnotes

1. Designed to prevent incursions by entities capable of instantaneous travel.

2. defined as museums possessing a total inventory appraised at over $500,000 worth.

3. Exact size or mass constraints unknown.

4. Exact range unknown.

5. A video titled "Q&A with the big ol' J! (Part 2 of 3)" was released five days later.

6. French for "Stop right there!"

7. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

8. Estimated at 5 kilograms.