Item #: SCP-3871

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3871 is to be kept in a secure containment locker in Site-77's Safe SCP wing. When SCP-3871 is being interacted with, all personnel in the area must ensure that no objects considered "anomalous" by SCP-3871 are being worn or carried in the open unless it is necessary for testing purposes. As SCP-3871's definition of "anomalous" is exceptionally vague, personnel are advised to display as few non-essential objects as possible in its presence.

Description: SCP-3871 is a sapient, 0.4 meter-tall steel replica of a Global Occult Coalition Mk. III Ultra-Heavy Engagement Chassis, commonly referred to as an "Orange Suit". SCP-3871 is colored primarily in blue and lime green, save for the suit's "pilot", a small human figurine, which is entirely pink. SCP-3871 has the words "Dr. Wondertainment's Allegorical Anomaly-Annihilating Assault Automaton!" printed in black text upon its back, with a small golden "W" just above.

SCP-3871 possesses numerous features that are similar in function to certain units of the Mk. III UHEC, though significantly scaled down and altered to be less hazardous. The changes include:

A replica of a M2 Browning heavy machine gun installed on the right arm that fires small plastic pellets using compressed carbon dioxide.

Two missile batteries installed in the shoulders that fire 16 roman candle fireworks.

20 small firecrackers installed across SCP-3871's surface.

An audio-visual cognitohazard generator that emits sounds and holographic imagery that, when perceived, causes the viewer to express desire to purchase products from Dr. Wondertainment.

SCP-3871 is normally inactive unless it comes into contact with any object it deems "anomalous", which causes it to immediately enter an active, hostile state and attempt to destroy the object. Should SCP-3871 be unsuccessful in destroying the object, a voice will play from its speaker requesting for reinforcements. At this time, no external phenomena have been documented after these vocalizations. SCP-3871's "voice" is of an exceptionally high, childlike pitch.

SCP-3871's definition of "anomalous" does not only apply to actually anomalous objects as the Foundation knows them, as any object or phenomena that it perceives as being unnatural, even when perfectly in line with all known laws, will cause it to activate as well. For more information, please see Addendum-3871-1.

Addendum-3871-1: Testing Logs

Several non-important Anomalous Objects deemed disposable were approved for use in testing with SCP-3871 with the knowledge that they risked destruction.

+ Access Addendum-3871-1.

- Close Addendum-3871-1

SCP-3871 Test #1

Object(s) Used: SCP-3871, AO-44941

Procedure: AO-44941 is a 2011 US Quarter that, when flipped, will always land on its side. AO-44941 was placed in a room alongside several other US Quarters from 2011, and SCP-3871 was introduced to them.

Results: SCP-3871 immediately sprinted towards AO-44941 and grabbed it, twisting and bending it while saying that AO-44941 was "an abomination of probability". AO-44941 was eventually torn in half, and then into quarters by SCP-3871 who threw the pieces to the ground and returned to its idle function. The pieces of AO-44941 did not land on their sides if flipped. AO-44941's pieces were disposed of.

SCP-3871 Test #2

Object(s) Used: SCP-3871, AO-55424

Procedure: AO-55424 is a plastic toy helicopter that, when its propeller is spun for 10 seconds, will ascend and begin flying in circles for 25 minutes. SCP-3871 was placed in the room that AO-55424 was flying within.

Results: SCP-3871 started firing upon AO-55424 with both its missile batteries and machine gun, hitting it several times and causing it to crash into the wall, ceasing function. SCP-3871 became inert after firing several more roman candles at AO-55424, causing it to melt. Its remains were disposed of.

SCP-3871 Test #3

Object(s) Used: SCP-3871, Dr. Martell's (non-anomalous) wristwatch.

Procedure: This test was unintentional and only occurred due to Dr. Martell forgetting to change his watch in accordance with the Daylight Savings Time shift prior to handling SCP-3871.

Results: SCP-3871 began struggling in Dr. Martell's hands, stating that his watch was from "another time". It swung its arm at Dr. Martell's watch and shattered it, causing him to drop SCP-3871 onto a table. Dr. Martell's watch was broken, and SCP-3871 returned to an inert state. This is the first known incident involving SCP-3871's broad definition of "anomalous".

SCP-3871 Test #4

Object(s) Used: SCP-3871, a piece of paper reading "Two plus two equals seven".

Procedure: The piece of paper was placed inside of a testing chamber, and SCP-3871 was placed in the room on the opposite end of it.

Results: SCP-3871 fired several roman candles at the piece of paper while saying that the paper was a "result of infernal and impossible maths". The paper was burned and the ashes disposed of.

After several more tests involving mundane, but objectively incorrect, objects with similar results, SCP-3871's containment procedures and description were updated to their current form.

Addendum-3871-2: Retrieval Log

SCP-3871 was intercepted in postal transit after being sent from a location suspected to be operated by the Group of Interest "Dr. Wondertainment". Inside of SCP-3871's original box was SCP-3871 itself and a handwritten note, whose contents are archived below.

+ Display Document-3871-1

- Hide Document-3871-1

To my 26nd [sic] favorite customers.

Hello! I am Dr. Wondertainment, you might remember me as the creator of many fine children's products, such as the iconic "Little Misters" series and, more recently, "Dr. Wondertainment's Amazing Magic Tricks for Kids"1 As you might know, your organization and mine have had a very… "rocky" relationship in the past, but I want to bury that hatchet, so to speak, and extend a hand of friendship, starting with this little piece of work here!

This is "Dr. Wondertainment's Allegorical Anomaly-Annihilating Assault Automaton", a toy I cooked up based on one of your finest pieces of work, that fancy little "orange suit" you guys use to blow up monsters! With it, you can have a tiny companion that will work with you in destroying all that is abnormal and interesting in this world, making your job even easier than before! And who knows, you might even learn a few things about yourselves in the process of watching him go about his exciting business! Or you'll just destroy it. It's up to you, really.

Best Wishes, and Have Fun!

- Dr. Wondertainment, toymaker extraordinaire (and ex-owner of the warehouse on ████ Avenue.)

Footnotes

1. This product has yet to be located despite numerous efforts by the Foundation.