Item #: SCP-7000-J

Object Class: Safe Thaumiel

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-7000-J is to be kept in a standard containment locker at Site-58. The contents of SCP-7000-J are not to be read aloud under any circumstances. MTF Sigma-395 "Vandal Hordes" are to monitor all global networks for usage of SCP-7000-J-A and terminate as needed.

Description: SCP-7000-J is a book bound in velociraptor skin with pages made of thin iron tablets. The book claims to contain a spell to summon the ████████ ████ Mc████ ████████erson, an extremely powerful and hostile reality-bending entity.

Excerpt from Chapter 1 of SCP-7000-J:

SPEAK THE WORDS OF SUPREME DARKNESS AND YE SHALL SUMMON HIM

THE WORDS OF SUPREME DARKNESS ARE AS FOLLOWS

AND BY SPEAKING WHAT COMES, YE SHALL SUMMON HIM

FOR THESE WORDS ARE SUPREMELY DARK

TO SUMMON:

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Quisque ac ante lacus. Vestibulum in sem molestie, lobortis nulla nec, faucibus urna. Quisque mauris nulla, ullamcorper vel auctor ac, egestas ut neque. Sed consectetur tortor et diam porta, ultricies vehicula erat fermentum. Praesent nulla mi, facilisis nec arcu ut, laoreet placerat est. Vestibulum ornare consequat pretium. Ut eu libero id neque luctus viverra. Sed non massa pulvinar tellus aliquet tempus. Praesent ex risus, rutrum vel sapien in, tempus vehicula dolor. Suspendisse sit amet turpis arcu. Nam finibus commodo quam, nec malesuada ex tempus et. Pellentesque aliquam est vitae erat faucibus, eget aliquam ligula faucibus…

The majority of the book, around 70%, contains the incantation, which is "Lorem Ipsum" nonsense-Latin placeholder text. It is believed that this is due to a printing error of a copy of a more dangerous book.

Update: During testing, D-5138 was instructed to speak the contents of SCP-7000-J aloud. This resulted in a dimensional gate materializing at Site-58, through which ████████ ████ Mc████ ████████erson began to enter. D-5138 was terminated and the gate was closed through the simultaneous use of 517 Scranton Reality Anchors duct-taped onto each other.

It has been shown through testing that the words "Lorem Ipsum" followed by vaguely relevant nonsense-Latin is a basic form of archaic reality-bending magic, henceforth known as SCP-7000-J-A.

Test Log of SCP-7000-J-A:

Objective
SCP-7000-J-A phrase
Result

Terminate D-5839
"Lorem ipsum servus quinque octo tria novem mortis totalis"
D-5839's body turns inside-out over the course of three days. SCP-7000-J-A no longer used for employee termination.

Improve capabilities of the Scranton Reality Anchor
"Lorem ipsum Scrantus Anchorem ad deus magna fortis"
A giant anchor falls from the sky onto a nearby orphanage.

Grant O5-11 immortality
"Lorem ipsum o-quinque undecim vivus ad eternam"
O5-11 currently invulnerable to any form of wound, but only capable of speech in nonsense Latin.1

Terminate SCP-682
"Lorem ipsum malus reptilium sex octo duo super-mortuum"
SCP-682 unharmed; text generated in clouds over Site-58: "FUCKUS THATUS SHITUM"

Cure all forms of cancer
"Lorem ipsum ecce canceri est crapulus, reduciam ad nihil"
The Alaskan king crab goes extinct.

Keep SCP-2317-K under permanent containment in its current position
"Lorem ipsum ████us devourem haltus et damnat ad eternam et ecce humani ad pacem"
Email received by Site-58 director from an unknown sender: "TU EST BONEDUS, LOLOLOLEM"

Enable Wile E. Coyote to finally capture the Road Runner
"Lorem ipsum facere beastus famishus mangere birdius speedius, magna omnomnomis"
Previously unreleased Chuck Jones cartoon "Satisfaction Guaranteed!" is released, depicting seven minutes of Wile E. Coyote obsessively licking the corpse of the Road Runner, who had been hit by a truck.

Decrease the strength of SCP-076-2 to that of a normal human
"Lorem ipsum o-septem-sex est fatuus et douchembagitur, facere eius fortis ad weaksaucem et noobis"
Containment breach of SCP-076-2 commences as normal, but offensive action consists entirely of whining.

Footnotes

1. "Thisus Sucksus." - O5-11