Item #: SCP-999-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-999-J is currently uncontainable, but if anyone figures out how to contain the bastard they better fucking tell O5-█ right now. Seriously people ASAP.

Description: SCP-999-J is an overweight, Caucasian, balding male devoid of all clothing beyond that of a Speedo brand pair of swim briefs, henceforth to be referred to as SCP-999-J-1. SCP-999-J is capable of teleporting onto any bed, although it appears he prefers them to be occupied. He will lie there and breathe heavily with his mouth open until the subject awakens, at which point he'll look at the subject and then slowly reach his hand into SCP-999-J-1. SCP-999-J will then pull out some form of non-anomalous object, most commonly a can of Surge or a generic trading card.

SCP-999-J typically appears during periods of intense self-gratification, sleep, copulation between couples, and after urination.

Addendum 999-J-1: D-5638 was planted in a bedroom with a microphone attached. SCP-999-J appeared approximately 2 hours into D-5638's sleep cycle. The following audio was recorded:

Addendum 999-J-2: Incident 999-J-5:

On ██/██/████, SCP-999-J teleported into the bedroom of a couple in the midst of sexual intercourse. He asked them to continue and offered to watch. SCP-999-J proceeded to spend nine minutes searching through 999-J-1. He found a lone cheeto and consumed it. SCP-999-J reported the cheeto to be slightly "chewy" in texture, but reassured the couple that he was accustomed, and partial to the taste.

SCP-999-J later expressed approval for specific actions performed by the subject couple on multiple occasions.

Addendum 999-J-3: Various reports of SCP-999-J

██/██/████: Ate a jar of pickles over a sleeping man for over 2 hours. When the subject woke up he dropped a pickle in his chest hair and proceeded to spend 4 minutes untangling it.

██/██/████: Appeared in bed while subject was watching television and pulled out a camcorder from SCP-999-J-1. SCP-999-J proceeded to record the television show. When asked why, SCP-999-J reported "it's cheaper this way".

██/██/████: SCP-999-J confirmed to have "sick air guitar skills", reports his favorite band is "Metallica".

██/██/████: Found crying. When questioned, SCP-999-J said, "Firefly is cancelled."

██/██/████: Asked SCP-105 out. Was rejected.

██/██/████: Removed SCP-999-J-1 in front of 12-year-old girl. Underneath was another instance of SCP-999-J-1.

██/██/████: Farted. Blamed the dog.

██/██/████: Observed engorging himself on over 10 instances of SCP-1162-J.

Addendum 999-J-4: SCP-999-J was confronted by Dr. ██████ over his claims of "being in a band":

SCP-999-J: I am too in a band.

Dr. ██████: Oh yeah, what's it called?

SCP-999-J: Darkness Dick Supreme.

Dr. ██████: That doesn't sound real.

SCP-999-J: Your mom doesn't sound real.

Addendum 999-J-5: What the fuck is this? - O5-█