SCP-939-J assisting Agent Thornfield in his training exercises.

Item #: SCP-939-J

Object Class: Thaumiel

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-939-J is housed in a standard canine containment cell in Site-20. As SCP-939-J has paradoxically demonstrated a simultaneous absolute loyalty to deontological morality and the operations of the Foundation, SCP-939-J is allowed free reign throughout the facility with the accompaniment of Agent Wu.1 In the event of any unexplained criminal happenings2 SCP-939-J is authorized to take the role of lead investigator. Security personnel are to be briefed on this protocol and on SCP-939-J's anomalous properties.

Description: SCP-939-J is a 50-kilogram German Shepherd. SCP-939-J's anomalous properties are as follows:

Ability to speak English.

Inability to do anything perceived as morally dubious.

Ability to determine the perpetrator of 93% of criminal acts occurring within a 100-meter radius.

93% increase in the number of criminal acts detected within a 100-meter radius.3

Archive of corrupted recordings:

Please note that SCP-939-J didn't actually do the things described in these logs. These are just here for posterity. -Researcher Dinkley

Incident: 20-F-90

Crime: Doctor Edward Jones found dead in Site-20 breakroom.

Audio Log:

Agent Smith had recently entered the Site-20 breakroom with SCP-939-J, and was conversing with Dr. Jones over coffee.

[BEGIN LOG]

Agent Smith: Mind if I sit here?

Dr. Jones: Not at all. I'm in the market for some pals.

Agent Smith: Well, I'm always looking for more. The name's James. You?

Dr. Jones: Ed. What's the dog's name?

Agent Smith: He's actually a skip. 939-J.

SCP-939-J: Stop fucking calling me that.

Dr. Jones: Is he safe to pet?

Agent Smith: Yeah, he's a sweet little guy.

SCP-939-J: C'mere sunshine, you'll get your petting.

Intense growling punctuated with a snapping sound can be heard for the next 10 seconds, followed by the sound of blood splattering.

SCP-939-J: This man's been shot. The perpetrator probably used a gun. The jury's still out on whether or not they also used bullets.

Agent Smith: Like, holy shit 939-J! They must have shot him so much that his head got torn clean off!

SCP-939-J: (Softly) Heh, clean.

Agent Smith: Wait a second, who the hell shot him? EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

SCP-939-J: Hey everybody, Agent Smith just shot someone!

Agent Smith: Huh, guess it sometimes just be like that. Sorry.

Post-Incident Report: Agent Smith was apprehended and demoted to Class-D for his unprovoked murder of Dr. Jones.

Incident: 20-F-22

Crimes: Attempted theft of an SCP object, destruction of Foundation property, attempted breach of Foundation security, jaywalking.

Audio Log:

Agent Rosencrantz was walking SCP-939-J in the Site-20 recreation yard at the time of the incident.

[BEGIN LOG]

SCP-939-J: Take me off of this leash or I will discover the resonant frequency of your brain and play it with an instrument constructed from your entrails.

Agent Rosencrantz: Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?

SCP-939-J: Ok, fuck it. There's a crime happening over that wall and it needs your attention.

Agent Rosencrantz: Crap, I'll call security.

SCP-939-J: No, they'll be too slow. You need to blow a hole in the wall and get out there now.

Agent Rosencrantz: Sharp as always, 939-J! I know I can count on you!

Agent Rosencrantz fired multiple rounds into the concrete wall surrounding the Site-20 recreation yard before inserting a grenade, blowing a sizable hole in the wall.

SCP-939-J: Here, follow me.

Agent Rosencrantz: Across that road? There's no stop sign or anything there.

SCP-939-J: You work in a building with hundreds of MacGuffins and you're concerned about traffic?

Agent Rosencrantz: Road safety is no joke.

SCP-939-J: Unlike you.

SCP-939-J proceeds to run across the road.

Bystander: Hey! That dog just jaywalked!

SCP-939-J: Fuck off. It was the idiot behind me.

Bystander: Hey! That idiot just jaywalked!

Agent Rosencrantz: Wai-

Multiple gunshots are heard from the Site-20 guard tower, followed by a dull thud.

Post-Incident Report: Agent Rosencrantz was shot by the guards overlooking the Site-20 recreation yard for attempting to deliver SCP-939-J to GOI-83054 and jaywalking.

Footnotes

1. Previous agents assigned to SCP-939-J include agents Smith, Rosencrantz (Deceased), Thornfield, Rogers, and Guildenstern (Deceased).

2. Colloquially referred to as "mysteries".

3. Thought to be a result of SCP-939-J being able to detect acts that would have otherwise gone unnoticed as opposed to any anomalous increase in crimes.

4. "Cult of the, uh, Bad Guys who imprison fucking dogs for no reason whatsoever"