Item #: SCP-2099

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Objects composing SCP-2099 are kept in place at the recovery site. All communications connections (phone lines, LAN, etc.) have been severed. All wireless devices have been found and destroyed. See Addendum 2099-4

The warehouse above the recovery site is currently owned and operated by Smith-Campbell Publishing LLC., a front that distributes disinformation material. Any instances of SCP-2099-B taken off-site are to be disguised as shipments of printed materials.

The entrance to the recovery site is protected by a steel door that requires personnel on both sides to open. It will be kept closed whenever not in use.

Personnel will monitor all active peripherals under the control of SCP-2099-A. Any peripherals beyond those permitted are to be reported at once and destroyed.

Description: SCP-2099 is the brain of Jeremy Valdez and all associated machinery and equipment contained in place at the recovery location.

SCP-2099 was found under a derelict warehouse in Detroit, Michigan, in 2003 after urban explorers posted pictures online. The original account was deleted and amnestics administered, but some images of SCP-2099 still exist online, with different contexts given. This is considered to be a low risk to containment.

The recovery site is a series of thirteen underground structures ranging from 3 meters x 3 meters x 2 meters to 30 meters x 20 meters x 10 meters. Some act as storage units containing shelves holding thousands of mechanical and electronic devices and parts. Others are largely open, intended for use in testing. One contains mostly heavy machinery believed to have been used in excavating the recovery site. Every room has hundreds to thousands of pieces of paper, on which notes are written. These are in a fragmentary short-hand. A row of numbers and letters at the top of each sheet appears to act as a reference to the contents of each sheet, though the precise meaning has not been decoded.

Valdez's brain, hereafter referred to as SCP-2099-A, is kept in a jar filled with water mixed with electrolytes, sugars, green food coloring, and artificial flavoring. How this keeps SCP-2099-A alive, or if it even plays any role beyond aesthetic, is unknown at this time. SCP-2099-A has been largely cooperative with Foundation personnel, although its answers have been of limited usefulness.

Instances of SCP-2099-B are devices built by SCP-2099-A, both before and after its present condition. These machines are built from a number of materials. Virtually all of them appear to be highly technologically advanced, but should not function based on current understanding of science (based on power draws, material limitations, or violations of constants such as the speed of light). Several are referred to as "peripherals," devices directly under the control of SCP-2099-A. These are used by SCP-2099-A to interact with its environment. Most of these were destroyed during recovery. Five are currently active, contingent on SCP-2099-A's continued cooperation. These range from mechanical hands to a humanoid robot dressed as a butler. These are used primarily to find and bring notes to SCP-2099-A.

Examples of SCP-2099-B

Pistol that fires out high-intensity X-rays. It is powered by two AA batteries and focused by a common quartz crystal.

Six-meter-tall humanoid robot made primarily of chrome and steel. Tensile strength of materials involved should not be capable of supporting its weight.

A cannon that fires sabots that release human-sized robots armed with swords and metal nunchakus. Notably, the volume of the sabots is not large enough to fit the robots.

A bin labeled "cyborg parts." Inside were a number of artificial limbs, sensory organs, and other body parts. None of them have been "attached," so it is unknown whether or not they would be functional. No means of interfacing with a nervous system could be found on any of these parts.

A large vehicle with a mounted drill and claws, capable of tunneling through solid rock and earth. Material so displaced disappears, leaving empty tunnels.

A rocket-based spacecraft. Sediment stuck to the skids matches samples taken from the Moon. There is no plausible means by which it could have exited the recovery site.

A force field generator. It cannot be examined at this time, as SCP-2099-A has forgotten how to disengage the device.

A large generator with "anti-gravity" written on the side. Anti has been crossed out in red paint. When engaged, all nearby objects weigh twice what they normally would in Earth gravity.

A computer system running an apparently complete simulation (down to individual grains of sand) of an alien solar system. It performs with two gigabytes of available disk space.

713 different laser guns (in a bin labeled "713 different laser guns").

Electricity is supplied via a number of interconnected powerstrips. Following the powerstrips ultimately leads to a final power strip plugged into itself. Unplugging it removes power from the entire facility.

Interview Log SCP-2099-A-1

Dr. ███████: "Who are you?"

SCP-2099-A: "I am the Profound Professor V, the genius who invented the Quantum Pistol, the Rocket to Sagittarius, the Window to Other Worlds. My name is Jeremy Valdez. Jeremy, there was another Jeremy I met once, well, lots, but the one stuck in my mind. Clever man, a salesman. Can't trust them an inch if you give them a mile, but that wasn't me."

Dr. ███████: "How did you build this facility?"

SCP-2099-A: "Oh, dug it all out. Tricky bit was the supports. Used solid Valdezium to hold it up. That's my own invention. Name trademarked, patent pending, unless I forgot to send the application."

Dr. ███████: "How do your inventions work?"

SCP-2099-A: "I'm a genius. Have I mentioned that? I'm sure I have. It's in my notes, yes. Yes, you've read them, haven't you? I left them simply everywhere. You can't miss them."

Dr. ███████: "When did you start inventing things?"

SCP-2099-A: "Let's see, let's see. Was it ninety-three? Ninety-four? I'd forget my head if I didn't keep it carefully labeled. In the closet, no, wait, that's not the note I was looking for. Ah, here, history. Good heavens, ninety-one. Has it been that long? Wait, how long has it been? What's the date? Never mind. Anyway, I started having ideas one day. Just ideas, pouring in from everywhere. Can hardly look at a shovel without getting an idea for a digging machine, or a computer without seeing if it dreams of sheep. Oh, I could use lasers for a drill, taking note. I'd always been a tinkerer, ever since I was a boy. Had model rockets and ray guns, and all sorts of toys like that. Get them from stores or mail order or wherever I could."

As SCP-2099-A spoke, peripherals brought notes to its tank, and wrote down further notes, apparently based on the conversation.

Dr. ███████: "How is this facility powered?"

SCP-2099-A: "Oh, you just plug things in. Simple as anything. Ultimately draws from the aether. They say there's no such thing, but you just have to know where to look. It's under all that quantum stuff. Or was it in the imaginary numbers? Somewhere like that. I'd have to look at my notes."

Dr. ███████: "We've had difficulties in reading your notes."

SCP-2099-A: "Oh, well, that's easy enough, you just need to know how things are broken out. There's a note about that somewhere."

Dr. ███████: "Your notes seem… incomplete."

SCP-2099-A: "Well, that's a pity. I tried to keep it all together, but things get put here and there. Can't do a thing without my notes. Let me check my notes. Hmm. Yes, can't do a thing without them. Says it right here. You can't argue with that. It's in my notes."

Interview Log SCP-2099-A-7

Dr. ███████: "How were you able to afford all of the materials you used in your inventions?"

SCP-2099-A: "Oh, a bit of this, a bit of that. I make things for people. Sometimes for sale, sometimes barter. Done some honest work before I got to that point, of course. Worked for a pro lab, back in the day, and did R&D for a manufacturing plant. Made smoke alarms or toys or somesuch. Hard keeping it all straight these days."

Dr. ███████: "Do you have any outstanding orders?"

SCP-2099-A: "Not at the moment, no, but there's always new business just around the corner. People need things built. Sound guns, hypnosis lenses, rocket skis. Night vision goggles that work even when there's no light whatsoever. A little pedestrian, but it pays the bills. Haven't heard much lately, but I'm sure they'll be in touch soon."

Interview Log SCP-2099-A-19

Dr. ███████: "Are you aware of your current condition?"

SCP-2099-A: "What, brilliant? Handsome? Brain in a jar? Hadn't escaped my notice."

Dr. ███████: "How are you still alive?"

SCP-2099-A: "Good diet and exercise. Healthy living. Oh, and the electrolytes. It's in my notes somewhere, the whole process. Never will look at mashed potatoes the same way, I'll tell you that."

Dr. ███████: "Do any of your family or friends know about your condition?"

SCP-2099-A: "No, not really. Family was never close, and most of my friends are online these days. On the internet, nobody knows you're a brain in a jar. Or a cat, or whatever. You've heard the joke, I'm sure."

Dr. ███████: "How did it happen?"

SCP-2099-A: "You know, I'm not entirely sure anymore. I don't think I was dying or anything. No, my body's still perfectly viable, if I could remember where I put it all. Can't remember why I did it, or quite when. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time. Usually does. Somehow didn't work out quite how I thought, I don't think. Or maybe it did. Anyway, I get by."

Notes samples

went via WB MkII to consult with HGW on temp. wobble. suggested talk to EB for flux correction.

RT 304 failure due to insufficient cavorite. formula needs work.

MK and LS say SF may know. glorious V skink protocol in effect on sixth day

cascade failure in nuke gen. nearly destroyed facility. also, self, much of NA. check notes twice.

i am jack's lack of osha compliance

how long have been brain in jar? must investigate. later, busy now.

EHP28C sent payment for project 20083, despite dissatisfaction. no hard feelings.

snails will not undergo c. fusion, despite best efforts. poss. weaponized?

SF closing, sending backups to station V2 before wetware checked.

i see secret agent people

Addendum 2099-1: Since recovery, a number of SCP-2099-B objects have been discovered in the hands of others. Whether these are objects previously made and sold by SCP-2099-A, or if there is another source, has not been established to any degree of certainty.

Addendum 2099-2: SCP-2099-A has at times made references to locations where it has operated or used as trading points when dealing in examples of SCP-2099-B. See SCP-2099 Recovery Logs for further information.

Addendum 2099-4: SCP-2099-A made a reference to the Shenzhou 9 mission in 2012. When asked how it learned of this, it revealed an active internet connection via "V-Wave Universal Ansible." When asked where the device was located, it could only remember that it was somewhere on the shelves, and suggested it be found by Valdez Wave detection. To date, the device still has not been found. Analysis of internet accounts now known to be associated with SCP-2099-A have shown no revelation of protected information. However, recovery and dismantling of this device is to be considered a priority objective for staff assigned to SCP-2099.

Addendum 2099-5: While SCP-2099-A's "ansible" remains hidden, it can be disrupted via bursts of microwave radiation. However, this also renders SCP-2099-A incapable of speech, and may interfere with its life support. Given that it is currently the only method of recovering SCP-2099-B instances outside of Foundation control, this will only be used in emergency situations.

+ SCP-2099 Recovery Logs

- Scavenger Hunt

Location: Former home previously owned by SCP-2099-A according to tax records.

Prompting Statement from SCP-2099-A: "Oh, that old place. Yes, very nice neighborhood, but the HOA had ridiculous rules about spaceships. And they didn't allow me to have any dinosaurs. What kind of totalitarian wasteland doesn't allow dinosaurs? Especially robot ones. But the park was nice. I used to feed pigeons. I think I may have left some things there, up in the attic crawlspace. Might still be there."

Recovery: While the current owners were on vacation in Hawaii, recovery agents searched the home, eventually finding an old notebook covered in scribbles of rocket ships and space aliens.

Response: "Oh, my drawings! I used to scribble those down in school. Drove my teachers crazy, but what could they say? Straight A student. Got my report cards somewhere. On the shelves, most likely. I'll check my notes."

Location: Alley in Boston, Massachusetts.

Prompting Statement from SCP-2099-A: "I certainly hope MA got her package. I left it in the usual place right when it was done, but I never heard back from her. Maybe you gentlemen could take a look, since I'm short a couple of legs at the moment."

Recovery: The field team went to the location described, though it was assessed that they would be unlikely to find anything after the intervening time. However, shortly after beginning their search, they were attacked by a CI field team, which had apparently set up a watch for future drop-offs in the location. The CI team was apparently not expecting armed resistance, and Foundation casualties were kept to a minimum. Several enemy combatants were detained, and two weaponized anomalies secured.

Response: "Those people, eh? I've had some run-ins with them before. Nasty customers. Sold them one or two things, and then they tried to get all my toys without paying for them. Didn't know they were watching Boston. Well, I'm glad you dealt with them. Hopefully they didn't give MA any trouble."

Location: Soup kitchen in Seattle, Washington, where reports of unusually sized foodstuffs had been reported.

Prompting Statement from SCP-2099-A: None.

Recovery: The field team secured the location, finding a large booth labeled "V-Ray Enlarger," which employees had been using to increase portions of food handed out to the local homeless. Interviewed employees stated it had been brought in by operatives of the Manna Charitable Foundation two weeks earlier.

Response: "Oh, the enlarger. I think I remember that one. Did I sell it to them? Well, I must have. They probably just got around to using it now. I haven't had much business with them in a while."

Location: Former missile silo in southern Idaho. Records indicate that it was never sold by the US government.

Prompting Statement from SCP-2099-A: "Oh, I spent some time in the midwest. I was… is there a classier word than squatting? One moment. Ah, here we go. Habitating in one of those old missile silos. They weren't using it, so I just moved in, turned on the lights. More of a summer home than anything. I don't think I took the trash out before I left. Would you gents be so kind?"

Recovery: The field team found the silo sealed with several combination locks, which were opened with codes provided by SCP-2099-A. Inside were three dessicated human bodies, a taxidermied Mammut americanum, and a gorilla in some form of suspended animation. DNA testing showed that the human bodies all belonged to SCP-2099-A. A partial address and key were found at the bottom of a desk drawer.

Response: "Oh, well, I was going through a cloning phase. Too much Jurassic Park, not enough meeting girls. Though the mosquito trick doesn't work. If you get anything, you just get mosquitoes." Notably, address and key were not brought to SCP-2099-A's attention.

Location: Warehouse in Puebla, Mexico, having been traced to a dark-net site titled V2 Enterprises. Several products were determined to have anomalous properties, similar to instances of SCP-2099-B.

Prompting Statement from SCP-2099-A: None.

Recovery: Workers in the warehouse were in the process of moving all inventory through a device that was apparently capable of teleportation or disintegration. Teleportation assessed to be more likely, based on the willingness of the workers to pass through it rather than face capture. Device self-destructed before a thorough analysis could be made. Several apparent instances of SCP-2099-B were still found in the warehouse. A brochure bearing the likeness of a Hispanic man in a labcoat promised "invenciones futuristas increíbles del Profesor V." Other locations traced to V2 Enterprises were found empty.

Response: "Have I been to Mexico recently? Let me see, let me see, no, not since my grandmother died. Clearly, we're dealing with an imposter. Deal only with the original Professor V, accept no imitations or substitutions."

Location: Junkyard in Boise, Idaho.

Prompting Statement from SCP-2099-A: "I did visit one of my customers once. In Iowa, I think. Wait, let me check my notes. I tell a lie, it was actually Idaho. I always get them confused. Would you like to meet her? I'm sure she'd be glad of the company."

Recovery: The field team entered after hours, eventually finding a structure built under a pile of old automobiles. Inside was an apparent residence which did not appear to have been disturbed for some time. Books of star charts, astronomy texts, and several works known to have been linked to the Serpent's Hand were found inside. Also inside was an example of SCP-2099-B, labeled Valdeport XT. It was not functional at the time of recovery.

Response: "Not there anymore? Well, hopefully she got where she was going. Or somewhere, anyway. We all want to be somewhere, don't we? I know I do."

Location: Office in a business park in London. Fourteenth attempted match on partial address found in third location.

Prompting Statement from SCP-2099-A: None.

Recovery: The field team found a surgery suite, unused since at least the late eighties. Several files were found describing medical experiments carried out. Two of the final entries describe the autopsies of a pair of American transfer students with the initials JV, both of whose descriptions match Jeremy Valdez. All files and reports are signed EM.

Response: "Sorry, doesn't ring a bell. I mean, I'm not exactly myself anymore, but I'm hardly dead. I'm sure I'd know it if I were. I'd have made a note."

- Scavenger Hunt