Item #: SCP-1238-RU

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1238-1 and SCP-1238-2 are contained within a standard C-2 containment cell equipped with emergency water draining pumps since Incident 12-9887. The substance referred to as SCP-1238-3 has been allowed to stay in SCP-1238-2’s possession after a multitude of tests confirmed it to be identical to “Turkish delight” and harmless to the subjects or Site personnel.

SCP-1238-2 has been reprimanded for hiding information about SCP-1238-3 after Incident 12-9887; however, due to SCP-1238-3 having been irretrievably lost according to the subjects, it has been decided to limit the punishment to disciplinary action and denial of access to sweets.

The subjects are also allowed to keep their clothing and personal belongings – a ball of gum, 6.37 cm in diameter, for SCP-1238-1, and a photo of Marilyn Monroe for SCP-1238-2.

These objects appear to be of extreme importance to the subjects, as they become highly unnerved in their absence. Cases of crying, hysteria (usually from SCP-1238-2), threats, and begging have been observed.

Description: SCP-1238 is a complex object consisting of two subjects designated as SCP-1238-1 and SCP-1238-2 as well as – up until recently – approximately 12.2 grams of an unknown substance that held a designation of SCP-1238-3 up until Incident 12-9887.

SCP-1238-1 – male, of European descent, height of 172 cm, weighing 75 kg. Has fair short hair and grey eyes. Calm temper, responds well to contact. High intelligence quantifier. Dressed in rubber overalls with a cut on the belly. No documents have been found on hand.

SCP-1238-2 – male, of European descent, height of 182 cm, weighing 65 kg. Has blonde hair, 1.35 m in length, dark eyes. Choleric and hyperactive temper, responds well to contact. Medium intelligence quantifier. Dressed in a black leather jacket and yellow underpants. No documents have been found on hand.

Annotation-1: Subjects are in a friendly relationship; as such, methods of questioning through confrontation have been found inefficient.

SCP-1238-3 – approximately 12.2 grams of an unknown substance found in SCP-1238-2’s possession. Colour, smell, and texture are fully identical to a type of “Turkish delight” sweet produced by the “Red October” confectionery factory. The subjects refer to SCP-1238-3 as ‘twist’; due to Incident 12-9887, SCP-1238-3 has been deemed neutralized, and interrogations aiming to obtain all information related to the substance have been scheduled.

Annotation-2: SCP-1238-1 claims to have had no knowledge about SCP-1238-2’s possession of the substance prior to Incident 12-9887. It is as of yet unknown whether this will cause their relationship to decline.

Subjects willingly come into contact but use a multitude of slang terms and connotations not previously documented. The word ‘twist’ and its derivatives have proven to be some of the most commonly used in their dictionary. In addition, their Russian pronunciation is imperfect and bears presence of an accent marked with transliteration in italics in the minutes.

Minutes of the interview with SCP-1238 that led to Incident 12-9887 (led by doctor D., translated into English):

D: (to SCP-1238-1): Please state your name.

SCP-1238-2: Name’s Tease, he’s Tease! Twist him up, Tease, for the Russian rock!

SCP-1238-1: My name is Ctesiphon.

D: Ctesiphon?

Ctesiphon: Yes. It is a city in Parthia.

D: Why Tease, then?

Ctesiphon: That’s how they call me in the pomojka1 of this twister. (points at SCP-1238-2) It is the kind of gang where you cannot say “give” or “take”.

D: Why?

Ctesiphon: (sighs) Because if you say “give”, you give, and if you say “take”, you take. V intimnom smysle.2 You cannot talk like a human with those durkas, they’re all izvrate, and they only think of govnost. If I knew, I’d be silent. But Kipa said that we’re going to the patsanas3, and I believed Kipa. Ah, I was such a thick-head, throw me into out! If I called myself Bynia or Hrypaty, everything’d be cheeky-pok, but I said “Ctesiphon” – and changed into Tease!

SCP-1238-2: And then you twisted to Alexander the Great to otmytsia ot grya-tszy4.

Ctesiphon: Yes, I wanted cleaning by the Hellenes. Aristotle’s arithmetics. Plato’s plates. Can’t blame myself there.

D: Okay, okay. (to SCP-1238-2) And you?

SCP-1238-2: I’m Kipelich.

Ctesiphon: Kipelich comes from Kipelov. The first ten twists to the "Aria"’s concert in ’96 were strong, were very strong. He got beaten every time he tried to climb onto the stage to kiss. Kisses are BG.

Kipelich: (gloomily) BG is your books + VATNIY.

Ctesiphon: No, my books + VATNIY are “Black coffee”.

Kipelich: No, “Black coffee” is trupnye chervy5.

Ctesiphon: (angered) No, trupnye chervy is “Comedy Club” during the Siberia campaign!

Kipelich: You’re such a doorak6, Tease! “Comedy Club”, stary7 or novy8, is vagina of cyber-NAVALNIY, and also his galvanic trusy9.

Ctesiphon: What savagery, you listen to this twister! Trusy, Kip, are just edinoros.

Kipelich: (scratches head) Well, can’t argue with you there.

D: Excuse me, what is this language you’re speaking? Some kind of slang?

Ctesiphon: It’s the rip, twelfth mod.

Kipelich: I’m speaking the twenty-eighth.

Ctesiphon: The twelfth is better.

Kipelich: Do not twisti, patsanas know better.

D: Rip?

Ctesiphon: Rus-hip, to be exact. It’s all contractions, that’s the fashion these days. Ever since I got on twist, I twist from my present to the times where words are maybe just malost10, but longer.

D: Could you perhaps elaborate?

Kipelich: E-lab-orate. Oral lab!

Ctesiphon: Shut it, Kip. What would you like to know, Dr. Glitch?

D: Excuse me?

Ctesiphon: Dr. Glitch. I call you that since you’re a character of our twist. We twisted, you appeared, so it is. And about Kip and I – we’re just posters, as in post-hipsters.

Kipelich: Post means those who survived.

D: Survived? Survived what?

Ctesiphon: I dunno, doctor Glitch. It’s all the firmware. [knocks on his head] The youngsters have a brusok11 implanted in the brains not to bother about the past. So we don’t. We vkushaem12 the twist.

D: Is twist some kind of drug?

Kipelich: Tease, that’s not a man, that’s Russian rock. He sravnivaet13 twist with drujkoi!

Ctesiphon: (rashly) Russian rock is you, Kip, when you twisted out with full schtantsammy derrrrma14.

Kipelich: Tease, you think that I won’t twist you up if you’re my twist-brudder?

Subjects start fighting.

D: Stop, stop! I don’t understand!

Ctesiphon: …What do you not understand, Glitch?

D: I don’t understand why you’re so calm. You’re at Site-12, you’re Euclid, after all. …why Euclid, by the way? (rummages through the documentation) Should be Safe under every parameter.

Ctesiphon: (releases Kipelich from a hold) Kip must’ve twisted it that way. Listen, Glitch, quit with your glitchy words, they remind me o dome15. We don’t care, ’cause this is a gall, and it can’t get any worse. We can’t twist out of here, vsekayesh16? This Budda-mudda twisted out. Give Glitch the note, twister.

Kipelich makes a face and hands a blue note from a pocket.

Addendum 1237-2-1:

Memo to users of TWIST (CHANGE THE PLOT – ANYTIME, ANYWHERE)

Overall information: ontophosphate of deaxel neantolactose is called “twist” on the analogy with a cinematography term that describes a sudden plot change. Consumption of “twist” changes perception of reality, allowing to control ontikami17 under the user’s discretion, splitting and pripochovyvaya18 secondary, tertiary, quaternary realities – in other words, it is a wonderful myrologichesky19 instrument that gives, in addition to the feeling of full believability, the ability to control lychnym20 time.

For twisters: Dear broos and soos, one cube will bring you to Stranoo Snoov21, two will grant bojestvennost22, three will make you the Co-Creators of a multivariate Vselennoy23. Create your twists, shape istoriyu24, let your life be full of exciting plot twists!

THREE SIMPLE RULES:

1. Always twist alone, an outsider will break ontiku.25

2. Always have an out – it will allow you to discern reality from nereality.

3. Never twist out, or you will no longer discern reality from nereality. If you twisted out, pray to Boss-pod that it won’t be your personal AD26.

D: (confusedly) And what does that mean?

Kipelich: I’ll explain.

Ctesiphon: Kip, your explanations are Russian rock.

Kipelich: Russian rock is your twist into the paleolithic.

Ctesiphon: My twist to the paleolithic is BG.

Kipelich: BG compared to that is sugar.

Ctesiphon: Anyway, Glitch. You ingest twist, and you can twist elsewhere – anywhere you want, even if you don’t know where. Everything just twists to accommodate. If you want, twist to Persia, twist to the Moon. If you want – make something up. Reality will accommodate to every wish. But – pri tebbe27 must always be an out – something that reminds you of reality. I have this. (shows a chewed ball of bubblegum) I’ve been chewing this for five years now. No taste at all, reminds me of deystvitelnost28 without failure. And Kip has Monroe. Show him the Monroe, Kip.

Kipelich: Don’t wanna. Look where we ended up with her.

Ctesiphon: Kip, show him. You don’t twist out twice.

Kipelich drags a faded photo of Marilyn Monroe out of a pocket. According to doctor D’s testimonies, the actress looks uncannily similar to Kipelich.

Ctesiphon: Odin-v-odin29, right? Because he is Monroe. Your Monroe, at the very least. Ours twisted in 2010.

D: I do not understand.

Ctesiphon: (patiently) It’s simple. We fell into a trap, and Kip twisted into his out out of fear. His out is Monroe. He twisted into Monroe. That’s how this all spawned. (waves about the containment cell) Literally everything. This whole TWIST.

D: So that means…

Ctesiphon: Yep, you were all birthed by Kip. Who turned into Monroe.

Kipelich: Poom-poom-pee-dum. Poom!

Ctesiphon: Carrying on. Let’s start from the start, as Confutszy30 used to say. Usually you twist alone, but Kip and I, he be neladen31, we’re twist-brothers. We’re on the same volne32 Rare, but does happen. So I bought a twist, booked a flat, we ate ten cubes each, and tschchorrt33 dragged Kip to twist to D.

Kipelich: Tease, come on, I’m sorry…

Ctesiphon: Shut it. Carrying on. He offered a PUT-IN, in short. PUT-IN is a pass to the D-level. And the D-level is a pocket of realnosti34 where prav-vo35 develops x.

D: X?

Ctesiphon: X, x. To get there, you must either concreteno36 know about x, or be an idiot like Kip. Kip does not know a thing…

Kipelich: That’s right.

Ctesiphon: …and because of that he has the puty nebesnye37 open to him. So we twisted, zaloginilis38 to PUT-IN, and proto-phages started flowing out. It’s a kind of pod39-consciousness-level blockade. The brain punishit for kozni protiv prav-va40.

D: And what happened?

Ctesiphon: Kip obosralsia41. I screamed at him – twist to 2015, twist to Venus, but he held onto Monroe. And we ended up here. (claps Kipelich on the head) Twist alles!

D: Hm… and can’t you return to reality? Well, twist back?

Ctesiphon: (without hope) Where? Twist out – and that’s it, you only can find a better gallun. Your gallun is nice, by the way – got a table, a bed.

Kipelich: And no enemas. And nobody takes our blood. And you don’t have to golosovat42 at night. Wonderful!

Ctesiphon: But most importantly, because of this Budda-Mudda (points at Kipelich) we lost all of our twist.

Kipelich: Stop calling me Budda-Mudda! I only once twisted into a lotus!

Ctesiphon: And I only once called myself Ctesiphon.

Kipelich: Stop it anyway, mne nepriyatno43.

D: I am going out. Dinner will be at eight o’clock.

Kipelich: I want blueberry pastilooo44!

D: Only vanilla is on the menu. Good day.

Kipelich: Tease, I’m tired of you calling me Budda-Mudda.

Ctesiphon: But you are Budda-Mudda.

Kipelich: No, I’m not Budda-Mudda.

Ctesiphon: Budda-Mudda, be sure of that.

Kipelich: Budda-Mudda is BG.

Ctesiphon: You’re BG.

Kipelich: Budda-Mudda is PUT-IN without the D-level.

Ctesiphon: Yup, right about you.

Kipelich: (shouts) Then you are… You… You… You’re Russian rock!

Pause.

Ctesiphon: What? Repeat what you just said.

Kipelich: You’re Russian rock.

Ctesiphon: Oh, so that’s what I am?

Kipelich: Yes, exactly!

Ctesiphon: Oh, so you’re good, you say?

Kipelich: (hurriedly) I never said that.

Ctesiphon: So you twist out, and I’m Russian rock?

Kipelich: (excusing himself) What else am I supposed to say if you’re calling me names?

Ctesiphon: (shakes his head) Hold on, Kip, let’s figure this out. You said I’m Russian rock, right?

Kipelich: I didn’t think it through.

Ctesiphon: Doesn’t matter! Go po punktam45. Who got the twist?

Kipelich: Tease, why so hard?

Ctesiphon: One more time: who got the twist?

Kipelich: (quietly) You, Tease. They don’t sell it to me.

Ctesiphon: Okay, moving on. Who found the flat to twist?

Kipelich: Tease, I understand.

Ctesiphon: No, you do not understand. Now, question: who went on to the D-level, when that is strictly forbidden?

Kipelich: I didn’t mean it, I was just curious!

Ctesiphon: Curiosity killed the cat! Who shat himself when the proto-phages came?

Kipelich: (screams) Stop, stop it!

Ctesiphon: No, won’t stop it! Who twisted out so that we can’t get out? Who, mm? And you say after that, that I’m Russian rock? You’re Russian rock, Kip. Pathetic twister.

Kipelich: Okay, okay, I’m the twister. But I’m your twist-brother, right, Tease? Tease? Tease, come on!

Silence (for approx. 20 minutes)

Kipelich: Tease, come on, let’s Mavrin already, ’kay?

Silence.

Kipelich: Tease, quit twisting. We’re twisters, you and I! Come on, let’s Mavrin, so that it’s like before? Mm? Mavrin? Mavrin?

Ctesiphon: No Mavrin. I don’t talk with twisters. Talking to twisters is BG.

Kipelich: BG is spitting on your only friend.

Ctesiphon: BG is twisting out.

Kipelich: Come on, I already made sorry! How long will you criticize? You know what, Tease, let’s go twist?

Ctesiphon: I don’t twist with you any longer. And you don’t have any twist. You lost it all when running from proto-phages.

Kipelich: I got a little more.

Ctesiphon: Twistle, you stopped discerning twist and reality. I don’t believe you ever since the ZEMFIRA-trip. You lied to me that we had more, and I had to be her vagina for an hour longer. Stop it, twist to somebody else.

Kipelich: Shake it off, I know you still love me. Let’s go twist.

Ctesiphon: I don’t love you anymore. Nobody loves you anymore. Twist to your Russian rock. Only Guppy loves you ’cause you twist her.

Kipelich: Then let’s twist into Guppy! You love her too!

Ctesiphon: (in disbelief) Well, alright. And how much do you have, twistoonischka?

Kipelich: Just a cube.

Ctesiphon: Just a cube is Russian rock. Too little to leave, too much to ostatsia46.

Kipelich: Russian rock is half, a cube is MAZA.

Ctesiphon: MAZA is sitting at home and drinking schnapps, and not sticking with you in the twist.

Kipelich: You just do not understand.

Ctesiphon: I understand it all. Hand it over.

Kipelich: Here you go, here you go, vse47 like the doctor has prescribed.

Ctesiphon: Is that really half? You didn’t sojrall48 more, did you?

Kipelich: It’s half, twist-brudder, all to the last crumb.

Ctesiphon: Alright, I’ll believe you this time.

Both eat half a cube, and the room starts filling with water. A naked woman with the head of a sea cod swims within. She swims up to Kipelich and nuzzles her chest into his face.

Kipelich: (bubbling) That’s a twist, Tease, that is a twist!

Note: Object reclassification to Safe class is currently underway; modern reality adaptation courses for the subjects are being prepared.

+ Translator's footnotes

– hide block

Footnotes

1. "Garbage dump" - Translator notes from here on out.

2. "Intimately."

3. "Buddies"

4. "Wash off dirt"

5. "cadaveric worms"

6. "dummy"

7. "old"

8. "new"

9. "underpants"

10. "barely"

11. "brick/bar"

12. "taste"

13. "compares"

14. "pants full of feces"

15. "about home"

16. "understand"

17. "the ontics"

18. "attaching"

19. "worldlogical"

20. "personal"

21. "the Dream World"

22. "godhood"

23. "Universe"

24. "history"

25. "the ontics"

26. "HELL"

27. "with you"

28. "reality"

29. "One-to-one"

30. "Confucius"

31. "damned"

32. "wavelength/wave"

33. "devil"

34. "reality"

35. "gov-t"

36. firmly

37. "Roads to Heaven"

38. "logged in"

39. "sub"

40. "misdeeds against the gov-t"

41. "shit himself"

42. "vote"

43. "I dislike it"

44. "paste"

45. "point to point"

46. "stay"

47. "all"

48. "gorge"