Item#: 4624

Containment Class: euclid

Secondary Class: {$secondary-class}

Disruption Class: vlam

Risk Class: caution

SCP-4624 at time of discovery, prior to forcing 49 members of Site-19 staff to participate in a baking competition.

Special Containment Procedures: All mandatory staff meetings held at Site-19 are to be recorded and reviewed for a potential preference in SCP-4624 manifestation conditions. In the event of a SCP-4624 manifestation, attending members are to follow its instructions and avoid obstructing the completion of any requests it makes. During an appearance, audiences with sufficient MTF presence are to direct SCP-4624's focus towards high priority Groups of Interest, including the creators of SCP-4624.

SCP-4624 before officiating a "Catch the Chaos Insurgent" tournament between MTF units stationed at Site-19.

Description: SCP-4624 is an anomalous humanoid that has an, as of yet, undetermined chance of manifesting at mandatory staff and security meetings conducted at Site-19. SCP-4624 appears in dress slacks, a button up shirt, a clip-on microphone, and occasionally a suit jacket, although their physical characteristics are unique to each manifestation. Upon appearance, the entity will display unalterably excited behavior and will conduct a motivational speech. Afterwards, it transports all attendees into a pocket universe via pulling the audience inside itself with numerous black, amorphous appendages extending out from between the buttons of its shirt. Once inside, SCP-4624 requires the abducted to complete what it calls a "team building exercise" before returning them. The layout and furnishings of SCP-4624's interior space are theorized to be customized based on its requested task.

SCP-4624 displays a high physical and temperamental tolerance for violent aggression. The only reported exceptions to this are attempts to leave the meeting area or to prevent the completion of its requested task. In such cases, SCP-4624 will render the responsible attendee unconscious via strangulation.

Due to SCP-4624's desire for reciprocated excitement out of attending members, it is particularly susceptible to enthusiastic suggestions. With guidance from someone displaying a similarly energetic behavior as it, SCP-4624 can be convinced to abduct individuals outside the meeting for one of its designed exercises. Although SCP-4624 refuses to acquire individually-named persons, it is able to target persons within suggested organizations or demographics.

Sgt. Pepper (center) and his team of MTF members working on their first-place submission of a pineapple upside-down cake.

Addendum 4624.1: Discovery

SCP-4624 was discovered on 2019/08/15 when it manifested next to Senior Researcher Kordsmeier while she was giving a presentation. The entity acknowledged the resulting questioning from attendees as "showing initiative but lacking enthusiasm" before discussing what it learned on a six-month-long African safari. Researchers performed tests on SCP-4624's interior, finding it to be composed of a mixture of Xerox-brand toner waste, shredded paper with the Foundation letterhead, used redaction tape, and coffee grounds. Despite having multiple samples excised from its body with makeshift implements, SCP-4624 continued its speech uninterrupted.

The entity spoke about the similarities between the African Savannah and office environments for one hour and 47 minutes until Sgt. Pepper fired a 40 caliber handgun into its head. SCP-4624 complimented Sgt. Pepper's "gumption" before transporting all 49 members in attendance to a site resembling the English countryside containing several tents equipped for a baking competition. Attendees were instructed by the entity to form teams of four and attempt to bake and decorate a cake with at least one free-standing, edible feature. Upon completion, SCP-4624 presented what it declared to be the winning team with one coupon for a free meal at the American seafood restaurant chain "Red Lobster"1 and transported all personnel back to Site-19.

Addendum 4624.2: Manifestation Log

Date: 2019/11/05

<Video Start>

Feed opens after SCP-4624 Research Lead Torres documents the appearance of the entity during a containment breach debriefing. Groaning from the majority of the 39 researchers in attendance fills the audio.

SCP-4624: You call that fanfare? Can I get a good hardy "Yes we can contain"? You earned it! Come on! I want even the site director to hear it!

Junior Researcher Dogra throws a pen from off screen at SCP-4624. The entity remains unfazed as the pen strikes it in the head and sinks into its body.

SCP-4624: Good aim! You sure you're not in an MTF?

Jr. Researcher Ames: Someone died, you ass-hat!

Torres: I know we all wanted to go home and cope, but animosity will not cause SCP-4624 to dematerialize any faster.

55 minutes of SCP-4624 speaking about the values of community togetherness it learned while backpacking in Kashmir and how they can apply it to the workplace follows. Meeting attendees are then pulled into SCP-4624 where they emerge in a recreation of the Bunker Hill park in Massachusetts. SCP-4624 proceeds to split the audience into two groups, which it requires to perform a historical reenactment of American Revolutionary War battle that occurred there. After four hours and 27 minutes of simulated combat, SCP-4624 transports the personnel back to Site-19.

SCP-4624: Well, wasn't that rousing! Good thing that wasn't for real or else the Americans might still have a monarch! I'm glad to see the British here got the message of today's seminar loud and clear, though!

Researcher Dogra throws his period-appropriate musket at SCP-4624 which pierces through its torso before being absorbed.

SCP-4624: Oh, still the doubter, Harishikesh? HR said it would be hard. Told me you were the kind of lot to fall asleep in staff evaluations and sign eldritch expletives on your leave requests. But I saw you out on the field, Rishi, I know there's a team player in you! This team does exceptional work. I can understand how office birthday parties can be left unattended except for those dedicated people persons in HR when you have monsters to feed. Remember though, community togetherness includes the fine folk in your Human Resources department!

Torres: Wait, what was that about HR talking to you?

<Video End>

Addendum 4624.3: Recovered Email

Note: The following email was marked for deletion before being recovered by RAISA data recovery specialists on the work console of Foundation HR director Timothy Mascon.

From: pcs.rh|nocsammit#pcs.rh|nocsammit

To: pcs.rh|vrestsil_nimda#pcs.rh|vrestsil_nimda

Timestamp: 2019/10/17 02:22 PM

Subject: We have a problem

Attachement(s): Productivity_By_The_Numbers.pdf

You won't believe what I found on some gobbledygook covered thumbdrive in Steph's desk today; or maybe you would, this is Stephanie we're talking about. See the attached.

Now, I know damage control is what all of us are thinking right now. The last thing we want the Foundation thinking of us as is a pack of busybody fat ready to be cut. Someone has to manage all the personnel complaints ("paper shredding with a smile" as the research teams call it). Do they have to worry about how you calculate back-pay for someone trapped in a temporal anomaly?

Our job is vital to the success of the Foundation and the survival of humankind, no matter what the academics in the labs think. They would burn through junior researchers with toxic work environments like the world has an inexhaustible supply of PhDs.

I believe Steph just let the stress and shaming get to her, we've all been there. Just last month someone signed their name as "I'm Busy McWhydowepayyou" on a birthday card she brought around. We can either offer her up to site command or bury this thing here. In my opinion, the genie is out of the bottle and no amount of wrist slapping is going to put it back in.

Besides, Site-19 could use a little more synergy.

Filename: Productivity_By_The_Numbers.pdf

Type of file: Portable Document Viewer (.pdf)

Opens with: Adobe Acrobat

Location: C:\Users\RAISA\TimMasconCaseFile

Size: 520 KB (533,225 bytes)

Size on disk: 524 KB (536,576 bytes)

Created: Sunday, Febrary 12, 2012, 07:31:53 AM

Modified: Monday, August 12, 2019, 10:13:22 PM

Accessed: Monday, August 12, 2019, 10:13:20 PM

Productivity By The Numbers

Esoteric Efficiency for the Organizationally Minded

Are you frustrated with your peers ignoring your bureaucratic brilliance? Feeling like you're the only one hearing the gears of the machine grinding against each other? Well, strap yourselves in to your regulation compliant standing desk and prepare your ergonomic keyboard for a lesson in supervisory superiority! We have bound the souls of history's greatest motivators into one, simple ritual designed to distill their egos down to just their craft; for your benefit! Elevate your workplace to the cutting edge and bring your naysayers crawling to your upcoming award banquet! Satisfaction thaumaturgically guaranteed or your sacrifice back!

Step One: Collect 70 kg or more of material waste created by your office. Examples include copy paper (crumpled or shredded), used up ink pens, coffee grounds, and spent printer cartridges. Feel free to get creative! Your summoned savant of synergy works best when made from materials representative of your organization.

Step Two: Prepare a PDF document of your grievances and suggestions concerning your institution's workplace practices. Your evocation of efficiency will treat all items inscribed with equal priority.

Step Three: Soak the object most important to you in pure grain alcohol. This is to be your sacrifice and must be inanimate at the time of ritual completion. It is vital that this object holds the highest personal gravitas to you out of anything not alive.

Step Four: Designate a number greater than four, hereafter referred to as $n$, and a date. Both of these must have high relevance to your sacrifice. Ensure you have the aforementioned materials ready and access to your workplace on this date.

Step Five: On your designated date, create a star with $n$ points out of your gathered waste materials in a high traffic area of your workplace. For practical and potency concerns, it is best to perform this ritual outside of work hours. Your paragon of productivity eats, breaths, and bleeds your overtime hours!

Step Six: Place $n^3$ copies of your prepared document in the center of your ritual area. Feel free to use digital mediums to accomplish this; modern thaumaturgy is USB 3.0 compatible!

Step Seven: Position your sacrifice atop the copies and set it aflame. If your sacrifice burns black before vanishing, you have succeeded and can expect your results in exactly 3 work days.

Addendum 4624.4: Disciplinary Hearing

Note: The below was sent to Site-19 Department Heads after an audit of Human Resources. Audit was prompted by the discovery of the remains of a 12 pointed star made of office waste in the HR main lobby carpet. The identity of PoI-4624 was discovered after connecting the excavation of the grave of Anthony Mullard, born 1995/02/20 and deceased 2007/08/12, to Junior Manager of Human Resources, Stephanie Mullard.

Site-19 Disciplinary Committee Memorandum

Date: 2019/11/29

Subject: Re: SCP-4624 PoI

Censured Personnel: HR Director Timothy Mascon, HR Junior Manager Stephanie Mullard

PoI-4624, AKA Foundation HR Junior Manager Stephanie Mullard

Per our meeting on 2019/11/25, Timothy Mascon has been docked one month's pay and demoted to Assistant Director of Human Resources. In addition, Junior Manager Stephanie Mullard has been amnesticized and her employment contract terminated. A cover story of blunt force trauma induced amnesia caused by an automotive accident was deployed to explain her eight year gap in memory. The grave site of Ms. Mullard's son has been restored to its original conditions prior to her excavation of the corpse within. This includes the implanting of a donor cadaver until the remains of Anthony Mullard can be located. Any attempt to confront Ms. Mullard concerning SCP-4624 will be met with similar disciplinary measures.

Let this be a reminder that while our practices are unfeeling, our personnel are not. Some of your subordinates will crack. There is no shame in this happening for either the supervisor or the supervised.

If you suspect someone in your department is having an issue with workplace harassment, their home life, or is not processing the stress and dangers of their career well, please refer them to the Department of Employee Wellness.

Footnotes

1. Investigations into Red Lobster's promotions department has found no connection between the corporation and SCP-4624. Coupon was honored upon use.