SCP-055-DE-J. AWESOME!.

Item #: SCP-055-DE-J

Classification: SUUUUUUPPPEEEERRRAAAWWWEEESOOOMMEEEE

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-055-DE-J IS TO BE MADE AVAILABLE TO EVERYOOOOOONE IN THE CANTEEN AT SITE-DE19! THAT'S HOW GOOD THIS STUFF TASTES! BECAUSE OF MINOR PROPERTY DAMAGE AND NOISE COMPLAINTS MADE BY PANSIES, NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO TALK ABOOOOUUUUT SCP-055-DE-J. THE ENTIRETY OF SCP-055-DE-J IS ALSO NEVER TO BE USED COMPLETELY AT OOOOOOONCE!!

Description: SCP-055-DE-J IS THE MOST AWESOME PIECE OF HAM IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! HALF A METER LONG, QUARTER IN WIDTH AND TEN CENTIMETERS THICK, THAT'S ABOUT 12.500 CUBIC CENTIMETERS OF PURE EXCELLENCE WITH A WEIGHT OF 5 KILOGRAAAAAAMS!

THIS MASTERPIECE OF BUTCHERY CAN BE EATEN BY HUMANS WITHOUT A PROBLEM, AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THE GEEKS FROM THE TOXICOLOGY SAY! IT DOESN'T ROT EITHER AND YOU CAN STUFF AS MUCH IN YOUR MOUTH AS YOU WANT, SINCE THE AWESOME STUFF JUST GROWS RIGHT BACK! OH YEAH!

OTHER FOUNDATION ARTICLES ARE TRYING TO HOAX YOU WITH DRY NERD-SPEECH? SCP-055-DE-J CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED IN ONE WAY, THE RIGHT ONE IN FACT! EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO REPORT SCP-055-DE-J'S AWESOMENESS DOES IT AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE, AS BADASS AS POSSIBLE, AND WITH A VOICE THAT SOUNDS AS MANLY AS POSSIBLE. YES, EVEN WOMEN! EVEN PRINTED MATTER ISN'T SAFE. THE SAME SICK ASS CHOICE OF WORDS AND EVERYTHING IS IN CAPTIAL LETTEEEEEEERS! AND WITH EXCLAMATION MAAAAAAARKS!

THE SUPER SECRET MEETING IN THIS CONTAINER WAS SUPER LAME UNTIL SOMEONE STARTED TALKING ABOUT SCP-055-DE-J! THEN IT BECAME SUPER BOMBASTIIIIIIIIIIIC!

IF ONE DESCRIBES THE GLORY OF SCP-055-DE-J, RAD EXPLOSIONS OCCUR SPONTANEOUSLY NEAR THE PERSON DESCRIBING IT! JUST LIKE THAT! NOBODY EVEN KNOWS HOW IT HAPPENS BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY! SCP-055-DE-J EXPLOSIONS ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!

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Uhm, a moment, please…

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One sec…

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THERE WE GO!

NO IDEA WHAT ANIMAL SCP-055-DE-J CAME FROM, EVEN THOSE EGGHEADS AT THE GENETIC RESEARCH DEPARTMENT HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE! BUT EVERYONE IN THE FOUNDATION CAN AGREE THAT WHATEVER ANIMAL IT WAS, IT HAD TO BE PRETTY BADASS IF IT TASTES THAT NEAT! THE REAL HARDCORE BOYS AND GIRLS EAT SCP-055-DE-J RAW, BUT THE PUSSIES CAN EAT IT HOWEVER THEY WANT! TASTES GREAT TOO, BUT NOT INCREDIBLE! THE ONLY EXCEPTIONS ARE VEGETABLES, YOU LAY 'EM ON ONE PLATE OR SANDWICH WITH SCP-055-DE-J AND YOU GET AN EXPLOSION RIGHT IN YOUR DAMN FACE! WE BELIEVE THAT'S BECAUSE SCP-055-DE-J SIMPLY TASTES LIKE SHIT WHEN TOGETHER WITH VEGETABLEEEEEEEES!

Addendum 055-J-1: SEVERAL PERSONS WERE ASKED TO EAT SCP-055-DE-J. HERE ARE THEIR REACTIONS:

THIS. IS. DELICIOOOUUUUS! - Agent Straub

THIS STUFF IS SO GREAT, I THINK I JUST GREW ADDITIONAL CHEST HAAAAIIIR! - Dr. Joch

ALL WORSHIP THE HAM! - Agent von Dorff

I think this ham is pretty okay. - Dr. See

DR. SEE IS CURRENTLY BEING TESTED ON ANY ANOMALIES, AS HE DIDN'T APPRECIATE SCP-055-DE-J ENOUUUUUGH!

Addendum 055-J-2: SCP-055-DE-J ISN'T ALLOWED TO BE EATEN AS A WHOLE AT THE MOMENT BECAUSE THEN IT MAYBE WOULDN'T REGENERATE ANYMOOOOOOORE! WE ALSO BELIEVE THAT WHEN SCP-055-DE-J IS DESTROYED, AN EPICNESS-VACUUM IS CREATED WHICH WOULD SQUISH THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! WOOOOOOUUUUUHH!

Addendum 055-J-3: WE ALSO WANTED TO TEST SCP-055-DE-J'S GREATNESS ON OTHER SCPS, SO HERE WE GO:

USED SCP
WHAT HAPPENEEEEED!

SCP-020-DE
AFTER SCP-020-DE DEVOURED SCP-055-DE-J, IT WRAPPED ITSELF IN MIST! WHEN THE MIST DISAPPEARED, THE THING HAD A MANLY LOOKIN' CHIN AND ALWAYS SAID: "I'LL BE BACK!" BEFORE FILLING ITSELF AGAIN!

SCP-038-DE
THE TEST SUBJECT WAS GIVEN 20 MILLILITERS OF SCP-038-DE AND THEN TOLD TO EAT SCP-055-DE-J UNTIL IT HAD ENOUGH. BUT BITCH PLEASE, YOU NEVER HAVE ENOUGH OF SCP-055-DE-J!

SCP-058-DE
SCP-055-DE-J WAS GIVEN TO 15 OF THE ZOMBIES! THEY IMMEDIATELY LINED UP AND STARTED DANCING THRILLER BY MICHAEL JACKSON! NO CLUE WHERE THE MUSIC CAME FROM!

SCP-067-DE
IT WAS GIVEN TO SCP-067-DE-A-121! NOW IT SHOOTS SOMETHING BETTER THAN LASERS OUT OF ITS EYES, AND THAT'S MOTORCYCLES!

SCP-077-DE
STARTED PUKING A RAINBOW AFTER EATING IT!

SCP-092-DE
AFTER DEVOURING IT, SCP-092-DE STARTED GROWLING LIKE MAD AND GREW AN ULTRACOOL FULL BEARD WITHIN A FEW SECONDS, SEEMINGLY BY SHEER FORCE OF WILL. THE BEARD CANNOT BE SHAVED OFF BY A NORMAL PUNY SHAVERS AND HAS TO BE SHAVED BY EITHER SCP-092-DE-01 OR SCP-092-DE-02!

SCP-097-DE
AFTER SCP-097-DE-02 MUNCHED SCP-055-DE-J, IT THREW UP AN E-GUITAR AND A SPEAKER AND STARTED PLAYING A REALLY EPIC METAL RIFF! EVERYONE THAT WAS PRESENT, SCP-097-DE-02 INCLUDED, GOT NECK MUSCLE TEARS AND CONCUSSIONS BECAUSE OF INTENSE HEADBANGING!

WERE THESE TESTS EVEN NECESSARY?

NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

BUT THEY WERE

ABSOLUTELY EPIC!