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scp-3929 - boner pill by dado

Item#: 3929

Containment Class: safe

Secondary Class: none

Disruption Class: dark

Risk Class: warning

SCP-3929.

Item #: SCP-3929

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: The entire known supply of SCP-3929 is contained in a secure container at Site-81. Testing of SCP-3929 cannot take place without the authorization of the current SCP-3929 research head, currently Dr. G. McElroy, the Site-81 Containment Research Head.

Description: SCP-3929 is the group designation for a supply of roughly one-hundred twenty seven dark umber pharmaceutical capsules believed to have been produced by notable parapharmacologist and current Person of Interest "dado". The pills are bottled in standard orange prescription containers with white lids, and each has a sticker on the exterior with the words "boner pill by dado" written on it.

The effects of the drug become apparent roughly twenty minutes after ingestion. Subjects will begin to experience minor irritation, followed immediately by symptoms of rapid aging. Over the course of the next four hours, subjects will experience joint stiffness, poor posture, slowed and limited movement, decrease in overall energy, constipation, incontinence, slowing of mental processes, reduced reflexes, decrease in visual acuity, severely diminished hearing, wrinkling and sagging skin, and whitening or graying of hair. In most cases, the presumed age of the subject increases by at least seventy-years1. The subject's presumed age generally decreases as the effect of the medication wears off, unless the subject expires due to age-related causes.

At the same time, subjects will also report massively increased libido, past what is considered normal in humans. These effects are directly related; as subjects appear to grow older, their sex drive increases dramatically. This increase in sexual desire, combined with the various detriments that come with extremely advanced age, leads many individuals to become increasingly irritable. Notably, the medication does not appear to help with any sort of sexual dysfunction, much to the chagrin of affected subjects.

Addendum 3929.1: Discovery

SCP-3929 was discovered after the arrest of several individuals near Boca Raton, Florida by local police. The arrest was part of a much larger investigation into a rash of drug-related offenses involving seniors. After the effects of the medication became apparent, Foundation officials intercepted the drugs and began a series of raids on local drug manufacturers, with the hope of exposing the individual called "dado".

While this was eventually unsuccessful, Foundation agents did collect a laptop containing a number of emails between one of the arrested individuals and dado. During questioning, the individual claimed to have never met dado personally, having only interacted with them over the internet. The contents of the emails are below.

Date: 05/19/2017

From: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

To: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey2

demario said to hit you up. says you got the good shit. you make stuff?

Date: 05/20/2017

From: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

To: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

yes i am dado hello.

Date: 05/20/2017

From: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

To: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

you trying to play right now? we don't fuck around man. i want to know if you can provide some shit. yes or no

Date: 05/21/2017

From: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

To: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

wtf dude you there? hello?

Date: 05/22/2017

From: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

To: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

yes sry dado type slow. but i make 4 u. what u want?

Date: 05/22/2017

From: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

To: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

ok. you know viagra right? little blue pill that makes old people horny. we need a lot of that. i dont care if it works perfectly, we just need it cheap. got it?

Date: 05/23/2017

From: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

To: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

ok u want pill what make old and horny yes?

Date: 05/23/2017

From: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

To: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

yes but we dont care if its exactly right. you get it? this is a scam. we just want cheap.

Date: 05/24/2017

From: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

To: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

hello???!!!

Date: 05/25/2017

From: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

To: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

ok i make 4 u. i ship 2 u in one week. no charge. i have amazon prime

Date: 06/02/2017

From: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

To: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

hey man what the fuck is this shit you sent us. why these pills brown? this doesnt look like viagra dude the bottle says boner pills. wtf i want my money back

Date: 06/03/2017

From: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

To: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

no it ok. these better than vagro. u trust dado.

Date: 06/06/2017

From: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

To: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

god damn it you asshole what did you do. holy shit my skin is getting so wrinkled and my balls are down by my knees goddamn. more important tho rn is that i want you to come on down here and plop that round little white ass of yours down on this dick

Date: 06/06/2017

From: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

To: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

wtf it only gets worse?!?!

Date: 06/06/2017

From: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

To: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

you there

Date: 06/06/2017

From: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

To: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

you want 2 fuck?

Date: 06/06/2017

From: zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue#zib.ekansd|eafwlahfue

To: moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey#moc.liamtoh|odadmaisey

hevens to betsy i just want to nut

Addendum 3929.2: Testing Log

3929 Trial #1

Subject: D-92014 (34 year old adult male)

Dosage: 1 capsule

Result: Subject aged rapidly over the course of roughly four hours, reaching a maximum age of approximately 140 years before the effect of the medication wore off. Subject returned to normal afterwards.

Subject Feedback: Subject began aggressively rubbing his genitalia against a chair after three hours.

3929 Trial #6

Subject: D-92234 (46 year old adult female)

Dosage: 1 capsule

Result: Same as above - subject aged rapidly over the span of four hours. Subject reached a maximum presumed age of 160 years. Subject returned to normal afterwards. Subject had to be restrained on three occasions, as the subject attempted to aggressively insert their fist into their vagina.

Subject Feedback: Subject noted as having asked "just push your whole leg up in there whippersnapper" on no fewer than six different occasions.

3929 Trial #14

Subject: D-92651 (20 year old adult female3)

Dosage: 1 capsule

Result: Subject began to rapidly decrease in age over the course of four hours. Subject reached a presumed age of two weeks. Subject returned to normal afterwards.

Subject Feedback: Throughout the entire trial, the subject began to speak increasingly enthusiastically about flying kites, starting initially with their love of flying kites with their father and leading eventually to, just before they lost the ability to speak altogether, their $50,000 "aero-rig" equipped with advanced instrumentation and constructed from extremely high-quality materials. At several points, the subject referred to it as "the kite life" and rebuked a researcher for describing it as a hobby.4

3929 Trial #43

Subject: D-93489 (52 year old adult female)

Dosage: 2 capsules

Result: Subject ingested both capsules and, after roughly five minutes, spontaneously burst into a pile of ash. While the subject did not recover from this incident, several individuals attending to the remains noted that the pile of ash made them feel incredibly sexually uncomfortable.

Footnotes

1. This figure is an average; while many older subjects will experience slightly diminished aging (usually in the 30-40 year range), younger subjects can experience aging in excess of one-hundred years. The most advanced age a subject is believed to have experienced was D-89102, who was believed to be no younger than two-hundred years old. Despite D-89102's incredibly advanced age, the subject was reported as being "notably hostile" and expressed "a strong desire to forcefully insert Dr. Eisengraft's head into her vagina", for the express purpose of "feeling something again, goddammit".

2. No account by this name appears in Microsoft's Hotmail registration records.

3. Notably, the subject listed their sexual preference as "asexual".

4. This is something we've discovered over the handful of tests we've done with SCP-3929 and asexual subjects. For some reason the drug isn't capable of making them desire sex more than they already do, so it makes them increasingly passionate about niche hobbies. They also age backwards. I had a lengthy conversation the other day with a toddler about the subtle nuances in Frasier Crane's psychological development. - Dr. G. McElroy