Item #: SCP-8003-J

Object Class: Apollyon

Special Containment Procedures: As per the ruling of Researcher Bergquist on 2/17/14, containment of SCP-8003-J is no longer possible, nor was it ever possible in the first place.

While keeping SCP-8003-J in a standard locker filled with dimes at Site-59 would, hypothetically, serve as a temporary solution to a trivial problem, doing so would be meaningless in the grand scheme of things, on the grounds that nobody's going to remember our names in a billion years.

Description: SCP-8003-J is a sentient American penny, dated 1983. It is capable of speech and movement (through rolling), though it is incapable of either while at least 5 cm from a dime.

Also, everything we do is the result of predictable chemical reactions and there is no point to human existence. Researcher Bergquist can confirm this, having read Hawking's A Brief History of Time cover-to-cover no less than ten times.

The inevitable heat death of the Universe waives any responsibility of the Foundation to contain SCP-8003-J, ergo, Researcher Bergquist is hereafter absolved of any responsibility of its containment. Q.E.D.

Addendum 1: Due to the fact that Researcher Bergquist has effectively disproven the necessity of an anomalous item's containment, Researcher Bergquist is invoking Article 4 of the Researcher Bergquist Employee-End Terms And Conditions1 to expend two months of paid time off as a Employee Insightfulness Incentive, effective upon Researcher Bergquist's completion of this database entry.

Addendum 2: While there have been multiple requests for Researcher Bergquist to change the object class of this anomaly to Safe and re-establish prior containment procedures, all staff are advised to read the containment procedures and description more carefully.

Upon completion of this task, if there are any objections to the carefully-constructed logic on the part of Researcher Bergquist in applying the Apollyon classification, please understand that these objections are completely wrong, and Researcher Bergquist is going to stop writing this article right now after addendum 3 4 and acquire what he has rightfully earned, thank you very much.

Addendum 3, you goddamn plebs: While it is likely that SCP-8003-J's object class may have triggered action from the overseer council to enact emergency information-scrubbing protocols and disaster preparations (which, all staff are advised, are meaningless), until definitive, empirical proof this problem is presented into Researcher Bergquist's paper shredder, these accusations are without merit.

Addendum 4: Site director Naismith is hereby advised that assaulting Researcher BergqUIST WITH A FIRE AXE IS HIGHLY UNPROFESSIONAL AND ALSO MEANINGLESS IN THE GR—

Footnotes

1. ©2014 Researcher Bergquist