SCP-3556 prior to containment

Item #: SCP-3556

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3556 is currently contained in a containment locker in Site-77's Containment Vault. The item is to be placed within a sound-proof container in order to minimize distractions to nearby personnel. Access to the item is restricted to any personnel of Level 2 security clearance or higher. Personnel of Level 1 clearance or lower must receive written permission by Dr. Beck, head of SCP-3556 research, to handle SCP-3556.

Description: SCP-3556 is a yellow adhesive note pad, measuring 2.5 cm by 5 cm, depicting a crude drawing of an unknown creature with the word “Durbal” being written near the drawing.

Placing SCP-3556 on any object will cause the drawing to animate and vocalize any flaws the anomaly perceives of the item it is placed upon. SCP-3556's criticisms will become increasingly illogical the longer it remains on an object, eventually going off topic and become tangentially unrelated to the item it was affixed to. SCP-3556 has only been recorded speaking English. It is theorized that SCP-3556 is sentient, though it has refused to cooperate during attempted interviews.

Addendum-3556-1: Experiment Log

Close Addendum-3556-1

The following are a series of transcripts recorded from experiments using SCP-3556.

Foreword: Object was placed on a cracked mirror.

<Begin Log>

SCP-3556: Mirror is obviously cracked intentionally.

If left untreated, may result in total mirror failure.

Mirror is slightly smudged due to clumsy workers.

Mirror is even more smudged by me.

Mirror does not correctly reflect light as human eyes see it.

Mirror is not a true mirror.

Mirror absorbs a small amount of green light upon reflection.

Mirror is a cheating mirror that steals people’s hard earned light and deserves to serve 30 years in prison for stealing light.

Mirror may also be given the death penalty in several jurisdictions, and frankly deserves it.

Mirror is scum of the Earth…

<End Log>

Closing Statement: The unedited audio files all amount to approximately 33 days of audio. The remainder of this transcript was cut for the sake of brevity. SCP-3556 may be capable of following an infinite number of tangents in its rants. -Dr. Beck

Foreword: Object was placed on a file containing multiple documents. All documents consisted of untrue facts.

<Begin Log>

SCP-3556: File is an inadequate way to store data, considering the rise of digital data.

Data contained within file is false.

First page states frogs are mammals.

Frogs are amphibians.

Amphibians are both fish and mammals.

Frogs are indecisive in their place in the animal kingdom.

Second page states computers emit sugary liquids.

Computer technology is yet to reach the state of sugary liquid emission.

Sugary liquids cause diabetes, heart disease, obesity…

<End Log>

Closing Statement: The remainder of this transcript was cut for the sake of brevity. It appears SCP-3556 is able to criticize the contents of media, not just the media itself. -Dr. Beck

Foreword: D-8913 was instructed to hold SCP-3556. D-8913 had their left arm amputated at birth.

<Begin Log>

SCP-3556: D-8913 is missing an arm.

D-8913’s arm was removed because she is genetically inferior to other human organisms.

D-8913 lacks confidence.

D-8913 swears too much.

D-8913 wears terrible orange jumpsuits because she lacks confidence.

D-8913 wears glasses because her eyes were screwed up by staring at a TV too much.

D-8913 dyes her hair to forget about the fact their hair is ugly and boring.

D-8913 hates legitimate criticism.

D-8913 doesn’t know how she gets into terrible situations and chooses to blame those around her.

D-8913 has a terrible relationship with her mother.

D-8913 has committed murder and deserves to be here.

D-8913 is a terrible singer and can’t take a hint that she is a terrible singer.

D-8913 listens to Korean pop music, which is the worst kind of music.

D-8913’s voice is literally incapable of sounding good in any circumstance.

D-8913 has anger management problems.

D-8913 hates pape-

D-8913 placed SCP-3556 on a nearby wall and attempted to leave the testing chamber. D-8913 refused to comply with further testing orders.

<End Log>

Foreword: Dr. Beck was instructed to hold SCP-3556.

<Begin Log>

SCP-3556: Jim Cyrus Beck does not have children, and as such is an evolutionary failure.

Jim Cyrus Beck does not want children because he doesn’t want to become like his father.

Jim Cyrus Beck is also incapable of having children due to his erectile dysfunction.

Jim Cyrus Beck does not realize he is already like his father.

Jim Cyrus Beck drinks an entire beer once he gets home from work, like his father.

Jim Cyrus Beck fails to please his significant other both sexually and romantically, like his father.

Jim Cyrus Beck hates his job and regularly questions why he hasn’t quit.

Jim Cyrus Beck is allergic to bees.

Jim Cyrus Beck cannot become a bee farmer.

Jim Cyrus Beck is also allergic to honey.

Jim Cyrus Beck can never affiliate himself with any bees of any k-

Dr. Beck set down SCP-3556.

<End Log>

Foreword: SCP-3556 was presented with SCP-3556’s file.

<Begin Log>

SCP-3556: I am perfect in every way. No further comment.

SCP-3556 remained silent for the remainder of the test.

<End Log>

Addendum-3556-2: Recovery

Close Addendum-3556-2

SCP-3556 was recovered from the apartment of ██████ ████████ (PoI-3556), a writer and illustrator for various children’s books. Foundation agents planted in local police stations apprehended SCP-3556, as well as PoI-3556 and the personal journal of the subject as evidence following a suicide attempt by PoI-3556. Below are the most recent entries in PoI-3556’s journal pertaining to SCP-3556.

jesus christ i cant get past this artists block. ive had 2 weeks to make a new character and nothing is coming up. come on brain think.

i just doodled a little thing. looks kinda good. gonna sleep on it since im not to sure on it.

holy shit it started talking. and it wont shut up. like at all.

its judging an old draft i have. gotta admit, its actually kinda helpful. i might keep it around a bit longer.

ok seriously it wont shut up. i just stuck it on my pen and it wont stop talking. also apparently metal pens are a fire hazard if you have kids. they could stick them in electrical sockets.

note to self: get those little plastic covers for electrical sockets so i dont jab my pen in there and kill myself.

this thing isnt making any sense. its never satisfied with any of my drafts and keeps finding something wrong to talk about. but its stuff that doesnt make sense.

“current draft doesnt have enough swans” WHAT THE [EXPLETIVE] DOES THAT MEAN?!

[The following page consists of 37 crude drawings of swans.]

is this enough [EXPLETIVE] swans for you?!

now there are too many swans.

i cant sleep with that thing. every time i try to get close to it i feel like vomiting and i have to leave.

what if i set my room on fire?

what if i set myself on fire? cant listen to durbal if youre dead amiright?

[EXPLETIVE] my lighter is in my bedroom. durbal is in my bedroom. maybe he will set himself on fire.

can you be tried for murder if you burn a sticky note that yells at you?

is it a crime to cause someone to go insane by yelling at them? if it is durbal is a wanted felon haha

“hey police im gonna [EXPLETIVE] jump out a window cuz a sticky note is yelling at me” does that sound believable?

ok ill try it if i die sucks to be me.

all of my possessions go to durbal, my one true friend and worst enemy jesus [EXPLETIVE] i hate him see ya cruel world

Subject was administered Class-B amnestics before being released to a local psychiatric hospital. Monitoring of subject for further anomalous activity is ongoing.