

Article: SCP-044-DE-J This damn schnapps

Original: May be found here

INT-Translation: May be found here

Author: Gramlin

Translator: Karpfisch

Item #: Whoaaaaah, ey… Dunno… SCP-044-DE-J or something like this… For me… Don’t Care as a wet and loud fart!

Object Class: Safe1 Euclid2 Keter3Apollyon4

Special Containment Procedures: For god's sake, never allow Dr. Heinrich to drink from this Distillery! And don't touch this stuff, and especially do not drink it! Don't even think about drinking that or to even touch it! Do not even taste or sip for a bit!

This stuff is most surely indestructible. As intense as this stuff is, it will easily burn a hole inside the earth's atmosphere, if it only comes near any fire, and is flushed down the toilet by dumping it through the sewage system, it could probably eradicate half of the ecosystem. It is best to keep it in Doctor Heinrich's alcohol closet as far away from any lifeforms as possible. There is no access to anybody! It's for our own good!

And do not even think about using this stuff as a detergent! This stuff easily etches a hole all the way down to the underground village of the mole men!

In case of a booze party containment breach, the site housing it is to be equipped with a stock of 20 tons of headache pills, 10 tons of gastrointestinal tea, 20000 liters of coffee, 300 glasses of rolled meatballs and several bottles of SCP-014-DE-J. And please dim the lights of the entire site, and only whisper when making announcements through the speakers, okay?

Description5: SCP-044-DE-J consists of Satan's color thinner a schnapps that has been produced inside Dr. Heinrich's own distillery hall brewing chamber re-constructed garage6. He states it's a recipe that has existed in his family for generations, and is passed on.7. According to his testimony, the taste constitutes a mixture of apple featuring the sylvan flavor of juniper, and a slight aftertaste of wild blackthorn with a touch of mint and citrus at the end8. But if you tip that stuff, you notice nothing but a burning sensation in the throat like an inhaled fart of SCP-086-DE.

It was impossible to be scientifically researched, as after the wild party, noone was able to remember it, as it causes an insane blackout features cognitive, amnestic properties. There are recordings, but they are extremely embarrassing and are to be deleted immediately. No recordings of such an event exist9.

The day following consumption, one has a hangover that feels as if SCP-190-DE-1 jumped "Mjölnir" first inside your face you will feel extreme signs of an alcohol intoxication, as well as skull-bursting headaches, high sensitivity to high all kinds of light, and loud all sorts of sounds, a continuing felt need of "puking" all former, present, and future meals from now on 'til infinity strong vomiting, gastrointestinal pains and- —And… Thingy… What was its name? Lack of concentration, as well as a difficulty in finding the right words.

Discovery:10: On the occasion of Mr. Heinrich's 50th birthday, he produced several tiny bottles of the pipe cleaner from hell SCP-044-DE-J, and had sent these to multiple sites. They were distributed to staff11.

The next day, a majority of staff could barely recall what happened. All of them showed signs of high alcohol intoxication, and several alarms were caused by containment breaches occurring in multiple sites. Fortunately, all sentient anomalies were way too groggily after consuming that stuff to even attempt scramming. The effects of SCP-044-DE-J prevented an escape of the anomalies.

Due to this, a re-classification to Thaumiel is currently pending approval12

Experiment-Log

Event-Log

Some Log:

Close that back up!

Some scientists thought it would be funny to treat some anomalies to a few glasses of SCP-044-DE-J, as drunkards are always a laughing matter. During the celebrations, due to observational purposes, several probes of SCP-044-DE-J were handed out to SCPs, with the results being documented.

SCP-289-DE: It is theorized that the great Bazoo threw a really big party, as he was found inside his cell together with an out of place lampshade on his head, multiple penis drawings on his face, a inflatable rubber pig under his right arm, the "Masked Singer" trophy under his left arm13, and an over-size pink, crumpled ladies panties in his crotch awake the next day. Following his awakening, he gushingly regurgitated so damm huge amounts of paper streamers, confetti, and sweets that scientists assumed SCP-275-DE would be required to get the site clean again.

SCP-275-DE: Forget what I just said. The wild vacuum cleaner The object is currently caught inside a circle, in which it vomits confetti, which it re-inhales just to vomit it once more to re-inhale it to vomit it…

SCP-148-DE: Following the events, SCP-148-DE was located inside an empty plastic cup, with it having acquired a blue-green tint. Later then, it slowly and tremblingly crawled out of the cup, before it vomited its own mass, from which a really sweet blue slime baby a small duplicate of the latter was formed14. The proposal of calling it „Baby Blue“ was denied.

SCP-171-DE: SCP-171-DE was discovered in his cell, where it repeatedly vomited its organs, with it pushing the latter back into his abdomen, but just to vomit them back out.

Statement by SCP-171-DE:

████████ ████████████████ ████████████████████████ ████████████████████████, I don't have enough livers and kidneys for such a ███████████████████████! Damn ████████████, why do I also still have so many █████████████████ bladders? Every single one is █████████ full! Fuck, every one of my brains is killing me, ey!

SCP-046-DE: The fleshy wire girl SCP-046-DE did not leave its place of containment. Instead of attacking everything that makes any noises, like it usually does, it holds its meat strands against the head, and emits pain-filled whiny sounds, with it not going after the source of noise. I believe it prefers a „state of stillness“15

SCP-011-DE: [No, guys. Not this day. My saving's booming. How did you even manage to insert that stuff into the computer? Just click on no, ok?]

SCP-031-DE: The last lucky victim affected subject described SCP-031-DE as an unvarnished, unkempt woman with a hung-over face, dressed in a kitten pajama, with it holding a big mug of chamomile tea in her right, and a warming bottle in her right hand, which she held against her abdomen. She asked him „to get over it fast, so she can swiftly go back to sleep“. The vision of SCP-031-DE described the affected subject as a lifespan of 75 years, in which she either slept and snored like thousand sawmills, whined about head- and stomach ache, or spent several hours on the toilet, and emitting "sounds from hell"16

SCP-272-DE: I'm surely no biologist, but is it healthy if a shark swims with its abdomen up?

SCP-262-DE: It was possible to find out that the impact of SCP-044-DE-J was so severe, SCP-262-DE is still affected, even when it has already shifted between several animal bodies.

Remark:

It was not cool to give SCP-044-DE-J to SCP-262-DE for the sole purpose of, and I quote: Imitating this scene from „Animals Are Beautiful People“ where all animals are so laughably drunk on those fermenting fruits. I, the Ethics Committee, and especially the zoological wing's cleaning team have a few bones to pick with you.

– O4-█

SCP-116-DE: SCP-116-DE was not located at its containment site the morning after the incident. After tracing its GPS-sensor, it was found on a nearby military training area sitting between an R-emergency vehicle and a leopard-2-tank, with it having a cigarette on its cooler. We are not eager to know how. It was not possible to ascertain what happened, but judging from SCP-116-DE's reaction, it had not been a pleasant situation for it either.

SCP-258-DE: During the binge-drinking the festivities the series of experiments, a shy, blond, neatly dressed woman appeared in the office of site-DE██, wearing a black business-blazer, and showing great similarities to SCP-258-DE. She introduced herself as Elisabeth, and handed out an application portfolio to present staff, with the intention of applying herself for the foundation. Dr. Heinrich, who was way too drunk who was unable to recognize SCP-258-DE, served the „sweet blondy with tight ass“ a small glass of SCP-044-DE-J. What she initially rejected, due to it not drinking alcohol, but exed consumed it in one sip, following further prompting and attempted persuasion by Dr. Heinrich. She silently stood around for some seconds, before saying: „Fuck it, I'm going to get myself a porn magazine“, burning the application documents via a lighter, and disappeared through a portal from the site.

Ohhh, right… This moment that explains everything… Anyways, shit happens…

SCP-133-DE: Following consumption of SCP-044-DE-J, SCP-133-DE went with SCP-255-DE, also affected, to its containment chamber, where it remained unobserved for several minutes. Subsequently, loud moaning, screams, and other unidentifiable sounds17 were emitted coming from the chamber's door. MTF DE7-𝔈 • 7-Elfriiiiiieeeede • „Retarders“, the last remaining task force of the site, was called to the containment chamber shortly thereafter, in order to prevent even worse things form happening. As they entered the chamber, though, the team discovered Rat and the Beast the two anomalies playing „Mouse tear off“. The sounds came from SCP-133-DE who proved to be the crappy loser, and both were unable to reach an agreement on whether „Ratatouille“ actually contained rat-rassistic statements.1819