Suite-2718-J-43, reserved for Dr. Lisle Naismith. Not pictured: ant farm, stripper pole, automated massage frame, scented candles, home theater.

Item #: SCP-2718-J

Object Class: Thaumiel

Special Containment Procedures: The portal to SCP-2718-J is to be kept at Area-2718 in a fortified containment bunker 50 km under Mt. Avsugning, Sweden. In the event of a pending K-class scenario, the bulkhead to SCP-2718-J is to be permanently sealed, and all containment staff are advised to cross their fingers.

Due to limited resources available for the SCP-2718-J program, applicants for SCP-2718-J candidacy are to submit the following to O5 Command:

A cover letter.

A urine sample, 500 mL, for drug testing.

A ten-page essay, double-spaced, in 12-point Times New Roman, on the subject of "Why I deserve a nice, cozy afterlife more than Little Cindy Masterson, 7, of Madison, WI, who says her prayers every night and donated her birthday money to the Red Cross." No fewer than 3 works cited are to be included, in MLA format; no sources are to be taken from Wikipedia.

$5,000,000, cash.

Five letters of recommendation from Level 4 Foundation Personnel.

A full CV, including records of all donations, life achievements, random acts of kindness, and other relevant criteria.

A receipt of a score of "perfect" or higher on the Naismith-Henderson Personnel Decency Placement Exam on the first try.

One liter of desperate tears you've shed in the application process, to demonstrate effort.

The correct answers to three riddles provided by an approved Application Gremlin, located in the Director's office of each Foundation site.

Nudes.

The estimated response time is approximately 2-3 years; therefore, during the waiting period, applicants are advised to always look both ways before crossing the street.

Description: SCP-2718-J, formerly known as SCP-2317, is a wooden door and frame that leads to an extradimensional salt flat. Following the presumed neutralization of SCP-2317-K after a strongly-worded letter, SCP-2718-J has been used to build an extradimensional resort facility for the permanent containment and comfort of qualified dead bodies.

Due to recent revelations about the afterlife/lack thereof, the necessity of a means to create an artificial afterlife for self-aware corpses can no longer be ignored. SCP-2718-J, known1 to patrons as "Dammerung Resort Spa & Eternal Retirement Home," has been fitted with permanent residential accommodations for the deceased.

Currently, SCP-2718-J houses 37 residents, a number that's expected to increase depending on the continued inevitability of death.

Addendum - Testimonials:

"No mouth? Must scream? No problem! Here at Dammerung, we're committed to providing you the time of your life in this world and the next. You will never feel uncomfortable for even a femtosecond. Literally! To make sure your eternal stay with us is painless, we inject liquid tylenol in your brain five times a day!" - Jim Durnley, Director of SCP-2718

"A dream of deep tissue massages and hot tubs without end." - O5-11

*nods in approval* - Dr. Isaiah Henderson's corpse, through the aid of an automated nodding device provided in Suite-2718-J-13

"JUST CREMATE ME ALREADY YOU SICK FUCKS" - General Janet Spiegel, ☽☽☽ Initiative

"When the grim reaper comes to call, come on down to Dammerung, and they'll make me clean out your colon with a thousand-dollar German sponge! If Mr. Durnley sees even a single maggot egg in your skin, I have to go back in the Punish Box™! Before I worked here, I was a Christian! Give us your money." - Diana Jones, Housekeeper

"I will keep the dead people healthy with my powerful magical doctor science because I am a doctor and I cure all the patients I am smart." - Onsite Medical Director

"Now, there you go again! Dammerung makes my joyous meat-mouth protrude angry love noises from the hotel room at the back of San Quentin with a bottle of cheap unbaptized children's tears, Mr. Gorbachev." - Anonymous resident, Dammerung Presidential Suite

"…challenge accepted." - Anonymous

Footnotes

1. Depending on the structural integrity of individual eardrums.