Item#: 6108

Containment Class: euclid

Secondary Class: {$secondary-class}

Disruption Class: keneq

Risk Class: warning

Coming Soon - Malvarik

Special Containment Procedures: All residents of Greenhart, Wyoming have been relocated to nearby municipalities under the pretense of natural gas leaks throughout the town. The immediate area around SCP-6108 has been fenced off and all exits and entrances have been equipped with motion sensors and surveillance cameras. As of 3/16/2022, no entity has left the store and SCP-6108-1 has assured Foundation personnel that staff are incapable of exiting into our baseline reality. However, as per the Department of Extraversal Affairs'1 regulations, all current safety procedures will be upheld for the foreseeable future. To avoid SCP-6108 relocating to a more highly populated area due to financial instability, plain-clothes Foundation personnel are to be sent in routinely to shop in SCP-6108 and buy any goods they deem potentially beneficial for Foundation research.

Description: SCP-6108 is the designation given to "Schlemo's Wholesale," a chain of big-box retail stores operating across an unquantifiable amount of realities. The products sold by Schlemo's are a mixture of the anomalous, normal household items, and the thaumaturgic.2 The chain operates on a membership system, allowing anyone that signs up for "Schlemo's Club" to browse and purchase these products from the store at their leisure. Any currency can be used at the store, so long as it is considered a legal tender in that universe.

The store is staffed by both extraterrestrial humanoids and normal humans, the former seemingly outnumbering the latter. The owner, identified as SCP-6108-1 or "Schlemo", is one such extraterrestrial inhabitant. SCP-6108-1 has never been seen on the store floor, instead communicating with both employees and guests over the store-wide intercom. Despite their voice consisting of apparent mumbles and gibberish, listeners will be able to fully comprehend them. SCP-6108-1 asserts he is able to simultaneously observe and communicate with all store locations across the multiverse. SCP-6108-1's erratic behavior makes predicting the store owner's actions exceptionally difficult.

Discovery: The store currently residing in our baseline reality can be found in Greenhart, Wyoming. After being detected entering this reality, Foundation personnel were dispatched to quarantine the area and prevent any citizens from entering the building. Securing the area proved to be of no difficulty, as Greenhart only had a population of around 300. After establishing a forward operating base outside the front entrance, Agent Lowe and Kroemer were sent to investigate the interior. Below is a transcript detailing their expedition into the store and an audio file containing an announcement from SCP-6108-1. A list of items purchased by Foundation personnel and their capabilities have also been included and will be updated as they are acquired.

▶ SCP-6108 Exploration Log 6108.1

▼ SCP-6108 Exploration Log:

Foreword: This expedition was performed on 12/11/2021 by Agent Lowe and Agent Kroemer. They were chosen due to their experience in the Department of Extraversal Affairs and their exceptional work concerning dimensional rifts. To avoid suspicion, both agents wore plain clothes, only carried standard issue sidearms, and were equipped with hidden microphones and cameras.

Agent Lowe and Kroemer approach the entrance to SCP-6108 and are immediately greeted by a young Caucasian female staff member. Her name badge identifies her as "Charlotte".

Charlotte: Welcome to Schlemo's Wholesale. Your Member's Card, please!

Agent Lowe: We actually don't have a membership with your store…

Charlotte lets out an exasperated sigh and snaps her fingers, three other staff arriving from around the corner shortly thereafter.

Charlotte: You heard him, they don't have cards. You know what to do.

All four staff members break out into song, the lyrics revolving mainly around what makes Schlemo's Wholesale great and why the agents should get a membership card. This lasts roughly 10 minutes and has been omitted from the records for sake of brevity.

Agent Lowe: Was all of that really necessary?

Agent Kroemer: I mean, I thought it was great.

Charlotte: I don't make the rules, dude.

Agent Kroemer: And who does?

The store-wide intercom system suddenly turns on, transmitting a string of gibberish and mumbles. However, it is somehow completely understood by those that hear it.

SCP-6108-1: That'd be me, Schlemo! At your service! Wait, hold on. Didn't I just talk to you two? Which universe is this?

Agent Lowe: How are we supposed to know that?

SCP-6108-1: How do you not know your own universe?! That's like not knowing your home address! Hold on, let me check this real quick.

The sounds of papers being flipped through and books being dropped emits from the loudspeakers before SCP-6108-1 speaks again.

SCP-6108-1: Alright, my mistake! That was a Lowe and Kroemer from the one right next door. Weird timing, right? I mean, alternate versions of you just found my store too! You're both a little chubbier than them, though. Especially you, Kroemer.

Agent Kroemer: Hey!

Agent Lowe: Can we get back to your why we're here, please? If you met us already, then you'd know we're here to investigate the premises. We need to know more about this place.

SCP-6108-1: Sounds like I'll have to give you the same spiel I gave them. Follow Miss Charlotte, please.

Charlotte motions for both agents to follow her before heading further into the store. The layout of the store appears to be much like wholesale retailers of this reality, products stacked on pallets in rows of large metallic shelves or in rows near the center of the facility. There appears to be no other shoppers, only idle employees cleaning their respective sections.

Agent Kroemer: Y'know, this place reminds me alot of Costco.

Every employee in the vicinity, including Charlotte, stops in their tracks and looks at Agent Kroemer with appalled expressions. SCP-6108-1 goes quiet for a few moments.

Charlotte: Here we go…

SCP-6108-1's voice becomes noticeably louder as the microphone is presumably pressed closer to his mouth.

SCP-6108-1: What the fuck did you just say?

Agent Kroemer: N-nothing! Just that, y'know, the store kind of reminds me of…well…Costco…

SCP-6108-1: DON'T EVER BRING UP THAT PLACE HERE! SOL PRICE IS A TALENTLESS HACK THAT RAN OFF WITH MY IDEAS TO START HIS OWN STORES!

Agent Lowe: Wait, hold on a minute. Are you saying that Price Club, and by extension Costco, were created by a dimension-hopping Sol Price?

SCP-6108-1: They sure as hell are! Sol Price used to work for me before he decided to steal my idea and skip town! Now he jumps around to new realities, telling his counterparts the virtues of wholesale retail. Do you know how many Sol Prices out there in the Multiverse haven't founded Price Club? Zilch!

Agent Lowe: Sorry if my colleague offended you. Mind if we continue the tour?

SCP-6108-1: Yes, yes of course. Apologies, I get a bit heated when that place is brought up. Moving on, you can see on your left our jewelry section. Every gem is ethically sourced from deceased treasure hunters and Bakaran Blood Mines.

Agent Lowe: Who's…that?

Agent Lowe points towards a large-headed, blue, humanoid extraterrestrial posing nude near one of the display cases. They are covered in jewelry from head to toe, to the point that they are visibly struggling to keep their mannequin-esque pose under the weight of the decorations.

SCP-6108-1: That's our jewelry stand, Harry. Isn't he great? Hardly any moving at all and there's like, at least ten pounds of jewelry there.

Harry: Schlemo can I-

SCP-6108-1: Mannequins don't talk Harry, silly goose! Moving onto the next section.

Harry silently mouths "Help Me" to both agents as they are escorted past him.

Agent Kroemer: That seems a bit…unethical, right?

SCP-6108-1: Don't be a worrywart, Kroemer! We're paying him, aren't we?

SCP-6108-1 momentarily speaks to someone away from the microphone.

SCP-6108-1: We are paying him, right? Oh good. Nice.

SCP-6108-1: Next is our hardlines, section! This is where we stock all of our electronics, home goods, and other stuff that isn't food! Feel free to take a look around.

Agent Lowe approaches a large metal tube, which has a single circular opening near the top. The label above it reads, "Grom's Soul Sucker"

Agent Lowe: Hey, Schlemo, what's the deal with this-

Agent Lowe suddenly collapses mid-sentence as the opening in the metal tube begins sucking in what can only be described as his spirit. His horrified apparition is halfway into the machine when Charlotte steps forward and switches it off, sending Agent Lowe's soul back into his body.

Agent Kroemer: Holy fuck! Lowe, you alright?! That thing was sucking up your soul, man!

Agent Lowe: Cough. Cough. Yea, I know Kroemer. I was there. Mind explaining why I almost got ghostbustered, Schlemo?

SCP-6108-1: Apologies! Employees are supposed to turn off the appliances before they put them on the shelves. Who's in charge of Hardlines right now? Tom, right?

A terrified scream can be heard from one aisle over as a rift in space opens up overhead, sucking up a human staff member.

SCP-6108-1: No pay for a week and an hour in the Hell Dimension should teach him not to leave the appliances on, that little rascal.

Agent Kroemer: Again, that seems a bit unethical.

SCP-6108-1: Oh he'll be fine! He doesn't need to run faster than the demons, just the last employee I sent there! Anyways, let's move onto our Bakery and Meat departments!

The agents are led to the rear section of the building. Upon reaching the Bakery, both agents begin to smell something exceptionally delicious.

Agent Lowe: Schlemo, what's that smell? I've never smelled anything like it. It's…

Agent Kroemer: Delicious!

SCP-6108-1: That's our signature pies, a homemade recipe passed down the Schlemo genus. Charlotte, take one out for our guests so they can have a sample, please.

Charlotte enters the bakery for a few moments before returning with a pie contained in a plastic case. As she gets closer to the agents, they both notice something strange with the dish.

Agent Lowe: Kroemer, please tell me you also see the face in the pie. Tell me I'm not crazy.

Pie: Eat me. Absorb me.

Agent Kroemer: Either you're not crazy or we both are.

SCP-6108-1: I know, I know. Humes aren't used to our sentient flour recipe. Trust me though, once you get pass the pie's masochist desire to be devoured, it's the best damn pie you'll ever eat.

Agent Lowe: Any chance we can just go to the foods section now? Think I'm fine with skipping the meat department.

SCP-6108-1: Fine, fine. You'll miss out on our newest addition, the Lincoln Steak, but whatever.

Agent Kroemer: What's the-

Agent Lowe: Probably better not to ask.

The group is led next to the foods section, specifically the aisle containing various different types of cereals and oats. Some are resident to this reality whilst others have names inscribed in alien languages.

Agent Kroemer: Finally, a normal looking section. There's no way you can make cereal anom-

A series of small cries for help emanate from a nearby box labeled "Cazbo's". The box shakes and for a moment appears as if it will fall over the edge of the shelf before Charlotte pushes it back.

Agent Lowe: Schlemo….

SCP-6108-1: Don't tell me you guys don't have Cazbo's in your reality. It's only the most popular cereal in our store.

Agent Kroemer: Not even the cereal was spared from the weirdness.

Agent Lowe: I'll assume that the rest of the food aisle is about the same. How about the pharmacy, Schlemo?

SCP-6108-1: Such a bore. Go ahead and take them to our pharmaceuticals, Charlotte.

The agents are led past the rest of the food aisles, which appear to be stocked with a mixture of normal foods and extraversal packages. The pharmaceuticals section, surprisingly, appears much the same as its counterparts in normal wholesale retailers.

Agent Kroemer: This seems normal. Way too normal. What's the catch here, Schlemo?

SCP-6108-1: Catch? Why does there have to be a catch? It's all normal medications. Go on, pick up any bottle and see for yourself.

Agent Lowe approaches one of the counters and picks up a small pill bottle. It reads "Schlemo's Skin Remover."

SCP-6108-1: Okay, I know some humans don't shed but you can't act like it's the same for all of you across every dimension. We also have to think of our reptilian guests, y'know.

Agent Lowe: I think that's enough for now. We should probably be taking our leave.

SCP-6108-1: Ah c'mon, don't be like that! Hold on, just one last place. Our food court is pretty famous across the Multiverse. You have to take a look at our menu.

Agent Kroemer: One last place couldn't hurt, right Lowe?

Agent Lowe: Fine, show us.

Charlotte leads both agents to the corner of the building across from the entrance. A small food court lays before them, a menu hanging over a line of registers. The menu only has a single item, "Chorizo Stew."

Agent Kroemer: You'd think there'd be more for a extra-dimensional store…

SCP-6108-1: You're only saying that because you don't know how good the Chorizo Stew is. Here, let's get you both some samples. CONSUELO! BRING THESE NICE GENTLEMEN SOME CHORIZO STEW!

A series of alien screeches and gurgles emanates loudly from the kitchen behind the registers.

SCP-6108-1: What do you mean 'It's still cooking'?! You've been cooking it for six years, damn it!

Agent Lowe: Kroemer, I think we've seen enough.

[End Log]

Closing Statement: Permission for an official investigation into SCP-6108-1's claims of Sol Price's extra-dimensional knowledge is currently pending with the O5 Council. Research is also ongoing into the identity and origins of SCP-6108-1 and his enterprise, including consulting contacts in the Wanderer's Library and MC&D.

Please Read

Thaumaturgic Items

Anomalous Items

NOTICE FROM THE FOUNDATION RECORDS AND INFORMATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION

All items listed in this document are to be kept in Site-99's Anomalous Items Wing under the strict supervision of the Department of Extraversal Affairs. Level 2 Clearance or higher is required to remove an item for study or testing purposes. We ask that all personnel remember that despite their apparent lack of danger, these items are still anomalous and thaumaturgic in nature, giving them an innate potential to cause bodily harm and breach security.

— Henrik Flemings, Head Archivist of Site-99.

Name: Fly on High!

Item Description: A brand of cereal created by a company under the name of "Mcdowell's." The box describes the cereal as being enchanted by advanced sorcerers so as to give it the property of "flight." Upon opening the box the individual cereal pieces will attempt to fly away from the consumer. Having eaten one of the cereal pieces, the subject will gain the ability of flight for a short duration.

Recovery Date: 1/21/22

Note: Time of flight directly correlates to the amount of cereal eaten and thus far no maximum height has been determined. However, with the loss of D-3221, it has been determined that if the user falls unconscious the wings will disappear from their person.

Name: Crum's Wholesale Fertilizer

Item Description: A magic-imbued brand of fertilizer with the ability to grow any type of flora despite contradicting weather conditions.

Recovery Date: 1/21/22

Note: Has proved exceptionally useful with botanical projects at Site-99. A request for a more steady supply of the fertilizer from SCP-6108 is currently pending with the O5 Council.

Name: Brimgo's Little Helpers

Item Description: A bag of magic-imbued beans with the ability to sprout small humanoid creatures. They are advertised as capable of performing simple household tasks in unison, despite their miniature stature. However, the packaging warns against letting them exist for longer than a week.

Recovery Date: 2/14/22

Note: The creatures proved exceptionally proficient with conducting simple household chores, making up for their small stature with their advanced numbers. However, they were neutralized after two weeks when it became apparent their intelligence had rapidly accelerated to the point that they'd begun making plans to cause a site breach.

Name: Memory Return

Item Description: A bottle of pills sold in SCP-6108's pharmaceutical section. They give the user the ability to temporarily recall any information they are experiencing difficulties remembering.

Recovery Date: 2/14/22

Note: Until the side-effects of the pills have been more thoroughly researched, testing and usage of the pills is to be halted. They are exceedingly useful for helping researchers recall important info, but the ████ incident with Dr. Mendez has forced the O5 Council to reconsider their use in the facility.

Name: Funyuns - Original Flavor

Item Description: A seemingly normal bag of Funyuns made by Frito-Lay. However, it has the anomalous property of teleporting the consumer to a random location within two-hundred yards of their current destination.

Recovery Date: 2/14/22

Note: Anomalous property was discovered when Agent Hughes, thinking the bag of Funyuns was not anomalous, consumed a single chip. He was found clinging to the top of Site-99's radio tower shortly thereafter.

Name: Charybdis - High Efficiency Top Load Washer

Item Description: Any alerts made by the washing machine are sent telepathically to all sentient organisms in a two mile radius.

Recovery Date: 3/01/22

Note: Testing must be conducted in unpopulated areas. The first testing session, having been performed at Site-99, resulted in the amnesticization of nearly ███ civilians.

Name: Jar of Raccoons

Item Description: As the name implies, the item is a jar that contains an unknown amount of raccoons. Opening the jar releases the raccoons in rapid succession until the lid is secured. The packaging advertises the item as a fun and inexpensive children's toy.

Recovery Date: 3/01/22

Note: A singular testing session has been conducted with this item, resulting in the maiming of a D-Class personnel. SCP-6108-1, upon being questioned on the usage of such a product, said that the Foundation just 'didn't get fun.'

Name: Continuously Updating Blueprints of Site-99

Item Description: A set of blueprints that continuously change to reflect the layout of Site-99.

Recovery Date: 3/15/22

Note: The O5 Council immediately ordered the buyout of all copies in the store and demanded that SCP-6108-1 stop selling the product. They agreed to stop selling it in our baseline reality, under the condition that the Foundation buy their remaining stock.

6108-1 Audio File - [00:01:29]

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This audio file was recorded during an expedition into SCP-6108. Do not be alarmed by the automatic translating, as previously stated in this document this is an anomalous attribute of SCP-6108-1.

Good morning shoppers! I’m happy to announce that our inventory has increased with the addition of two new products! I’m sure you’re asking yourself, “Schlemo, can these new items really be that exciting?” Well let me clue you in on what we’ve got in store. Heh, little shopping pun for you there.

The first is the Glombo 2000, the newest iteration of everyone’s favorite Swimbli exterminator. Don’t you just hate it when you come home after a long century of space-faring and find Swimbli nesting in your home? Well, fret no longer! The Glombo 2000 has a new built-in suction port that will not only suck them up, but also those pesky little domiciles of theirs. A noise-canceling feature has also been included, making their tiny screams a thing of the past!

The second is a brand new product, never before seen on the shelves. Schlemo’s Customizable Pruler! The Pruler is made specifically for you subterranean shoppers! Tired of all those nasty litterers dumping trash in your ocean? Well, with the Pruler, you can give them a little taste of their own medicine! The Pruler, after analyzing a piece of trash, will transport it via dimensional channels right back to the person that threw it there! The Pruler comes in ten different sizes, smells, colors, and tastes.

Remember. Schlemo’s is the place to be, for great deals for you and me!

…..and no refunds!

Footnotes

1. Located in Site-99, this department oversees all matters relating to extra-dimensional locations, incidents, and items.

2. Thaumaturgic is a term used by Foundation personnel to describe items, places, or individuals with 'magical' properties.