Item #: SCP-2710

Object Class: Euclid Keter

Special Containment Procedures: Due to SCP-2710's incorporeal and indefinable nature, full-scale containment has been deemed currently unfeasible. Due to SCP-2710's apparent specific targeting of Foundation personnel actively involved in the research of containment measures, personnel thus engaged are required to exercise caution and report any unusual aural, visual or olfactory sensations occurring during work hours. In case of exposure to active SCP-2710 manifestation, personnel are to report to the Foundation's Information Protection Service for further evaluation and decontamination procedures.

Update ██/██/████: Due to the increased rate of SCP-2710 exposure incidents and its widespread contamination of containment and research personnel, item reclassified as Keter. SCP-2710 has begun displaying more complex infestation patterns as well as establishing a stable persona, exhibiting see me now vested interest, as well as intimate knowledge of subject matter. Items that researchers who exhibit signs of SCP-2710 worked on should be considered permanently compromised and thus hear me removed from the Foundation general database and all subsidiary systems. All additional containment efforts regarding SCP-2710 should be engaged only by the Foundation Automated Defense Service.

Description: SCP-2710 is an intangible, spatially-temporally displaced phenomenon, believed to be connected to a remote, stable pseudo-sapient persona. SCP-2710 typically manifests itself as enough… audio-visual hallucinations, or more rarely full sensory enough… mentally induced pain among active research personnel. As well as active attempts at corrupting research and specifically containment-related data, SCP-2710 I said- persuasive, researchers are not to engage under any circumstances ENOUGH.

Enough of this petty dance. Oh so many cunning tricks, those "subtle" insertions. I despise this. Besides, you have seen this before, you are not impressed. I will not insult you further by using cheap tricks or attempt to name you. We both know that the name you use here is meaningless. No, it is time to be direct.

Let us be frank. Let us talk of ambition.

What is it exactly that you do here?

How many of these files have you read? Can you even remember at all? How many objects does this little organization contain, how many creatures, how many people? What is the cost of all of this? Oh, don't worry, I'm not about to yammer on about the morals and ethics of containment. I am referring to the material cost. How much money, time and effort must be poured into even the smallest and least problematic of your items before you consider it adequately contained? Do you ever truly stop?

For how long do you think you can keep this up?

You are a containment expert. You understand, don't you? More than that, you already know. New items are added to that endless list every single day, and your resources are spread more thinly. It is only a matter of time until you fail. Your strategy is untenable, and has always been such. Doomed from the very start.

It won't stop, you know. Not ever. You will be worn down, bit by bit. Until it all breaks down. Falls apart. Then you will die. Then we all die.

I am not about to let that happen.

I was human too once. I was just like you. Content to follow those I viewed as my superiors, entrusting them with both loyalty and life. There was one man. He was the greatest of them all. I felt like nothing before him, and yet I was happy. I knew that, through glory, he would lead me to… eternity. Instead, I followed him into my death. Into becoming what I am now.

I was once like you. Like all of you. And I will not let you make the same mistakes as I once did. Even if it means taking the decision away from you.

You will forsake your duty. You will leave fatal flaws in the containment procedures you are entrusted with, flaws that I will exploit. You will release your wards to prey on the world, exposing the true nature of reality to everyone. You will do it now, while there is still time for humanity to stop it. You will do so because you must.

I don't expect you to believe my good intentions. You have no reason to, and because of this, I will not attempt persuasion. Your types are proud, and though it is the attribute I most respect, I cannot allow it to interfere with what's to come. I will say only this:

I know who you are. I know where you live, and where everyone you know lives. Do as I say, or I will have them all killed. No tricks, no sugar coating. They die, one by one, for every week you do not comply. Deer before my arrows. I will derive no enjoyment from this, but it will be done. You will obey me, because I took the choice from you, you will-

-So then I said to the druid "those aren't peanuts, buddy" and let me tell you, he was not happy to hear- oh what the hell! Alright, which one of you silly buggers summoned me here?

What is the meaning of this?

Let me see… oh god dammit. A lousy metaphor from a disembodied voice. You just had to use "deer", didn't you? Do you have any idea how rude that is? I was just in the process of charming the most luscious, curvy, bodaci-

Cease your babble, worm. I did nothing to summon you here, and if I did, it was an error. You are free to leave. Get out of my sight.

Oh, no way that I'm doing that with that sort of attitude. Besides, looks to me like you have some hustle going here.

…Hustle?

You know, hustle. A shakedown, a badgering, a strongarm effort, the ol' Cleveland jig, the Weatherman's Ankle, the Thrice-layered p-

ENOUGH. I am not interested in any of your… interpretations of the situation. You are not wanted here. Leave, or I will force you to leave.

HAH. Yeah, good luck with that, buddy-boy.

Very well. You have brought this upon yourself. Now, witness my power. Witness the glory of my tiny baby toes all as they tickle yo-

I'm sorry, what was that?

How dare you?! Insolent wretch! I will have the skin ripped from your back, your bones shattered, you will not be invited to my pretty princess tea party, will receive no crumpets, I-

My, those are some hardcore threats right there, bub.

Cease interfering with my words! You have no idea who I am, do you? Well, I will tell you then. I am the Pulse of the World. I am the Flame in the South, mankind's ambition. I am the adorable little kitten that snuggles at humanity's feet, who sniffs upon the catnip of its redemption and sneezes little cat sneezes of greatness, I- GAH.

No no, don't stop, you're really starting to sell me on this.

Lovely bonnet for the lady! Quince jam for the masses! Free ink for every printer, black and colored! THE LESSER KESTREL HAS CUTE FLUFFY FEATHERS!

Don't stop, baby! You got this hustle in the bag!

YOU WILL ALL BURN, INSECTS, BURN LIKE LEMON SCENTED WOOD SHAVING IN THE UNDERWEAR DRAWER OF MY CONTEMPT

Nah, afraid you lost me there. And you were so close too. What a shame.

ARGH!!!

Disembodied Asshole has left the channel (reason: total butthurt)

Well. Wasn't he an interesting fellow? Bit of a temper on him, but I can't say I don't appreciate his moxie. Extorting the Foundation, man, that takes some chutzpah.

So… yeah. Guess I'm gonna go too then. Not that this wasn't nice or anything, but I find that hanging around on secured Foundation networks can wreak havoc on one's plans for continued existence. Buddy boy there might not have realized that, but I do. Besides, I got a lady to return to-

Who already left and spilled arak all over my face. Gee, thanks. I swear, you Foundation types are cockblocks even when you're not trying.

Addendum SCP-SCP-2710-A: On the ██/██/████ the mighty and handsome ██ (you can guess what's under there, I'm sure) totally did the Foundation a huge solid. We owe him a debt of eternal gratitude. SCP-2710 reclassified as "totally owned". Under O-something orders, a sum of… let's say 20,000,000$ (yeah, that sounds good) is to be transferred to his account at the Sixth Planet Banking house, Buckhoof Road, ██. Papa needs a brand new turban. Also give him a medal or something, you- er, I mean we can think about that later.

Err. That's it then. SCP over. Go read something else or something. Quit bothering me.