SCP-8338 — I'm president of the United States. And I'm not gonna eat any more broccoli!

Item#: 8338

Containment Class: neutralized

Secondary Class: none

Disruption Class: dark

Risk Class: danger

The White House.

SCP-8338-1.

Special Containment Procedures: Following the death of SCP-8338-1, SCP-8338 has been reclassified as Neutralized. No further protocols for its containment are considered necessary apart from standard documentation archival and pre-existing obfuscation efforts by the greater Foundation.

Description: SCP-8338 was a hypothetical HWK-Class “Cruciferous Collapse” Scenario exclusively targeting all species of broccoli (Brassica oleracea var. italica).

Should SCP-8338 have come to pass, all species of broccoli would have been instantaneously annihilated from consensus reality, likely due to the swift ejection of their concepts from the Nöosphere. Per the nature of such an event, broccoli would have been eliminated from human knowledge, though trace remnants of its existence would still remain and be visible to the public at large, constituting a widespread breach of normalcy.

The threat posed by SCP-8338 was created by the former reality-bending entity SCP-8338-1 as an unintentional use of its abilities; the creation of SCP-8338 resulted in the expense of its power and subsequently reduced SCP-8338-1 to a baseline human. It is believed that SCP-8338-1’s noted hatred of broccoli resulted in SCP-8338 through an unintentional thaumic rite, such as a grandiose verbal statement advocating for the termination of all broccoli (e. g., “All broccoli should be destroyed!”).

SCP-8338-1 was George H. W. Bush, who notably held office as the 41st President of the United States from 1989 to 1993 and possessed significant disdain for broccoli.

Addendum 8338.1: Discovery

SCP-8338 was first discovered in 1992, in the second half of SCP-8338-1's only presidential term. During routine inspection of food agricultural trends, an anomaly in both cultivation and consumption of broccoli was discovered. Both were found to be unusually waning, though with some short, unexplained rises spread throughout. During attempts to cross-reference this data with any possible broccoli-related anomalies already known to the Foundation, SCP-8338-1 first came to be of interest.

Due to his at-the-time position of United States President, SCP-8338-1 was already being monitored by the Foundation for unrelated anomalous activity. Through comparison of surveillance footage with previously-compiled SCP-8338 data, various findings were made by the Department of Analytics:

It has been determined that every instance there has been a seemingly-unprecedented increase in the prevalence of broccoli, it has been during times SCP-8338-1 has visibly consumed it, usually at the behest of a family member. This briefly stabilizes the SCP-8338 phenomenon, staving it off for a short while before the existence of broccoli begins to wane once more.

In a short summarization of our remaining data:

SCP-8338-1 eating broccoli is intertwined with the status of broccoli worldwide;

SCP-8338-1 must consume broccoli once a month to prevent the worldwide effects on broccoli from reaching normalcy-breaching levels;

If SCP-8338-1 does not consume broccoli at least once in three months, SCP-8338 will occur and entirely erase broccoli from consensus reality.

Following the publishing of this data, the natures of SCP-8338, SCP-8338-1, and their relationship were entirely determined, prompting further action.

Addendum 8338.2: Meeting Transcript

Dr. Francis Own, assigned head of SCP-8338 research, was conscripted to travel to the White House for a meeting with SCP-8338-1 and Director Samuel Braun of the Federal Bureau of Investigation's Unusual Incidents Unit. Per his position as U. S. President, SCP-8338-1 had already been briefed on the existence of both the Foundation and the Veil upon the beginning of his term.

«Begin Log»

Dr. Own: Mr. President, it's a pleasure to meet you.

[Dr. Own outstretches his hand for SCP-8338-1 to shake. SCP-8338-1 gives him a look with a confused expression, but hesitantly reciprocates the gesture.]

SCP-8338-1: Yes, yes, but what's this I hear about you needing me to eat broccoli?

Dr. Own: Well, sir, as you have seen from the briefing packet our organization sent y—

SCP-8338-1: I didn't read it.

Dr. Own: Pardon?

SCP-8338-1: I'm not eating broccoli.

Dr. Own: What?

SCP-8338-1: Barbara sometimes can get me to eat it when I'm in a really good mood, but Samuel here tells me you need me to eat it at least once a day to prevent some sort of… shortage of it?

Dr. Own: That is correct, sir, but—

SCP-8338-1: Oh, please! Why should I care about a god damn broccoli shortage? I'm president of the United States. And I'm not gonna eat any more broccoli!

Dir. Braun: Mr. President, that's what I've been trying to tell you, it won't just be a shortage. It will be a widespread elimination of all broccoli across the planet!

SCP-8338-1: Why should I care?

[Dir. Braun places his right hand on his face and exhales sharply through his nose.]

Dr. Own: Sir, it won't just be a slow loss of broccoli. It will be a sudden event, a complete loss of human knowledge of broccoli. No one will even be able to comprehend that it ever existed!

SCP-8338-1: Good! In fact, I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure this so-called "shortage" happens!

Dir. Braun: We just said it wasn't a…

Dr. Own: Mr. President, with all due respect, you know the organization I represent won't let that happen.

SCP-8338-1: I'm the President of the United States! I let your little Foundation operate in our territory and we fund you. You're going to listen to what I say and you're going to listen well. Read my lips: no more broccoli. And you can't stop me!

Dir. Braun: I told you before this meeting he wasn't going to listen, kid.

Dr. Own: "Kid"? I'm pretty sure I'm older than you.

«End Log»

Following the disastrous meeting with SCP-8338-1, the Foundation began various operations to discreetly provide him broccoli to prevent both SCP-8338 and conflict with the United States.

Addendum 8338.3: Notable Action Logs

Action #: 01

Description: A Foundation agent integrated into White House staff provides SCP-8338-1 a smoothie with a single piece of broccoli blended within it. It was believed the other ingredients within the smoothie would guise the broccoli's presence.

Result: SCP-8338-1 graciously accepts the smoothie and begins to drink it. However, he quickly ascertains the presence of the broccoli, berating the agent as he throws out the remainder of the smoothie. Department of Analytics personnel determine SCP-8338-1 did partially consume the broccoli, staving off SCP-8338.

Action #: 03

Description: Governor Jeb Bush, son of SCP-8338-1, is successfully conscripted by Foundation agents to "jokingly" encourage his father to eat more broccoli during his next visit at the White House.

Result: SCP-8338-1 grows enraged at his son, culminating in an argument where Jeb Bush is eventually uninvited from the annual White House Christmas party. The attempt is deemed a failure.

Action #: 09

Description: During SCP-8338-1's standard annual physical, he is provided a pill by a Foundation agent posing a nurse. The pill contains mild traces of broccoli tested to be so miniscule that the standard human senses cannot detect them.

Result: SCP-8338-1 successfully takes the pill, but complains that it tastes like broccoli. How he managed to detect it remains unclear, but is possibly evident either of remnants of his latent reality-bending capabilities or additional anomalous qualities gained by being the current primary vector of SCP-8338.

Action #: 15

Description: Experimental teleportation technology is utilized to transport small pieces of broccoli into the stomach of SCP-8338-1.

Result: The teleportation causes complications with SCP-8338-1's stomach, causing him to require surgery to remove the broccoli. Upon his recognition that broccoli was the culprit, his aversion towards it increases. The effort is deemed a failure.

Action #: 28

Description: Plans are put forward to use Erikeshan conceptual engineering to merge SCP-8338-1 with the concept of broccoli, possibly neutralizing SCP-8338.

Result: Denied by Overseer Council vote.

Addendum 8338.4: Assembly of the Overseer Council

By 1997, SCP-8338 had been successfully staved off through the unorthodox methods, as highlighted in the previous addendum, but proved to be continually strenuous for the Foundation. A meeting of the Overseer Council was assembled to determine a solution to the issue.

«Begin Log»

O5-1: I now call this meeting of the Overseer Council to order. Today's topic of discussion is SCP-8338 and how to handle it. Three has the floor.

O5-3: Thank you, One. For the past five years, we have managed to prevent SCP-8338 and prevent conflict with SCP-8338-1 at the same time, though the latter matters less now that he is no longer President of the United States. Regardless, SCP-8338 still presents a dangerous threat to normalcy as a whole and SCP-8338-1 still shows no signs of cooperation in the near future. We now open the floor to possible solutions.

[Silence on recording.]

O5-3: Seriously? Nothing? No one has anything?

O5-7: Three, have you looked at all of those action logs? We've tried everything! What else could we possibly do?

O5-12: Well, there is one idea we haven't tried, yet. But I don't think you're going to like it.

O5-1: We'll take what we can get at this point. What's your idea, Twelve?

O5-12: Let's kill him.

[Silence on recording.]

O5-12: What? It's not like he's president anymore.

O5-9: You know, he does have a point.

O5-2: But is killing a former president wise?

O5-10: We've done it before.

O5-1: Let's put it to a vote.

YEA
NAY
ABSTAIN

O5-1: The motion passes.

O5-3: Let's hope this works.

«End Log»

Addendum 8338.5: Neutralization

On 08/11/1997, SCP-8338-1 was successfully terminated by members of Mobile Task Force Alpha-1 ("Red Right Hand") within his private residence. A body double created through use of a specially-modified BZHR Unit was installed to take his place, primed to expire within the next 25 years.

Department of Analytics research showed all SCP-8338-affected data to revert to their expected values following the termination of SCP-8338-1. After three months of observation, SCP-8338 was reclassified as Neutralized, with SCP-8338-1's body double continuing to remain under observation.

On 30/11/2018, SCP-8338-1's body double expired on schedule. The following is a notable excerpt from the eulogy given by George W. Bush, SCP-8338-1's eldest son, at the funeral given following the double's death:

[…]

My father could never stomach broccoli, you know. I can't say I ever felt as vitrioloic as he did, though. Some days he would barge into the kitchen, see that mom had prepared some for dinner, and shout "All broccoli should be destroyed!" before storming out of the room. He was truly quite the character. I like to think I got a lot from him.

[…]

Addendum 8338.6: File Update

SCP-8338-2.

On 17/12/2018, Department of Analytics personnel detected a resurgence of SCP-8338-affected data following the funeral given for SCP-8338-1's body double. Surveillance of various persons of interest to determine the reason for this revitalization of the anomaly bore fruit two weeks later, with enough data having been gathered on George W. Bush to determine he had become SCP-8338's new primary vector.

Bush has been assigned the provisional designation of SCP-8338-2 until such a time the true nature of this SCP-8338 resurgence can be ascertained.

Reclassification of SCP-8338 from Neutralized is pending.