Wherein Bill goes on a wonderful adventure in order to save a hero.

+ CODE

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Calibold

SCP-8228 — Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson

Calibold's Mega Cool Author Page

Item#: SCP-8228

Containment Class: safe

Secondary Class: {$secondary-class}

Disruption Class: dark

Risk Class: caution

SCP-8228.

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-8228 is contained at Site-43. Human use of SCP-8228 is strictly forbidden.

Description: SCP-8228 is a glass cake stand, six inches wide and four inches tall. On top of it are six chocolate cupcakes, collectively designated SCP-8228-1. Each SCP-8228-1 instance is topped with colored frosting in flowering shapes. SCP-8228-1 do not appear to decay, go stale, or otherwise deteriorate when left alone. Unless they are eaten, they will also repair themselves within a few seconds of taking any damage.

Whenever an SCP-8228-1 instance is completely consumed by a living organism, any health issues or deformities it possessed will be completely alleviated; this includes injuries, infections, and adverse effects of aging, as well as most birth defects, such as missing limbs or undeveloped organs. Following this, a new cupcake will spontaneously appear to replace the old one.

When the above biological effect takes place, the nearest organism of the same species as the affected individual will perish within a few minutes from heart failure.

Addendum 8228.1: On 04/23/2017, a man named Bill Robinson attempted to infiltrate Site-43, apparently searching for SCP-8228. He was detained shortly after entering the facility and a thorough investigation was conducted into his background and motivations.

PoI-19374 ("Bill Robinson")

Aliases: Bill Robinson

Status: CONTAINED

Disturbance Level: 1 (Minimal)

Threat Level: 1 (Minimal)

Affiliation: Bumblebee Medical Technologies

Anomalous Capabilities: None

Overview: Bill Robinson is a 33-year-old human male of Brazilian descent, born to Rita and Daniel Robinson. He graduated Pennsylvania State University at the age of 22 and was able to secure an accounting position at Bumblebee Medical Technologies shortly thereafter.

Bill Robinson has no known relationship with any anomalous entities, although he is notable for being the grandson of one Maria Robinson. Maria Robinson was born in 1921 and is known for her widespread social and political activism; she was one of 1,073 registered female pilots in WASP1 during World War II (and one of only six women of color), is credited with saving the lives of over 300 people in a runaway train incident in 1956, was a candidate for Philadelphia mayor in 1991, and won the Scrabble Players Championship in 1999.

Aside from his relationship with Maria Robinson, Bill Robinson possesses no other noteworthy qualities.

Additionally, a biomechanical entity nicknamed "Broom" was contained alongside Robinson. All footage from Investigation Report 8228.1, starting with 8228.1-4, was found in this entity's video memory.

Investigation Report 8228.1-1: Bill Robinson was last seen on 04/15/2017, exiting his home in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Two days prior to this, he entered the Martin Luther Nursing Home to visit his grandmother. The following audio was obtained from her Amazon Echo Dot.

[EXTRANEOUS LOGS REMOVED]

Robinson: …if you didn't always beat me.

Maria: And I'll beat you again, Bill. [Laughs.] Pull out the board.

[Robinson is heard shuffling about. A loud thud emanates, followed by more shuffling.]

Maria: Did you go first last time?

Robinson: You did, I think?

Maria: So it's your turn now.

[Brief pause.]

Robinson: E-V-E-R. You been okay, grandma? They treating you well?

Maria: Same as it always was. Every day reminded that Jesus loves me so that's why the folks in charge don't need to hear about my broken toilet. 'Course, he does, but Jesus was a carpenter, not a plumber, and I need one of these idiots to deal with that. W-R-E-T-C-H.

Robinson: Bit of a bummer. M-A-T-C-H.

Maria: Wasn't expecting much from them anyway. C-O-R-K.

Robinson: Of course you have the K, I needed that. Um… I guess N-E-E-D.

Maria: N-E-E-D-H-A-M.

Robinson: That's not a word.

Maria: It's a dessert from Maine! Everyone knows that!

[Brief pause.]

Robinson: Okay well, Maine doesn't count.

Maria: Ah, like Vermont.

Robinson: [Laughs.] Yeah, exactly.

Maria: How about you? How's the big computer star?

Robinson: It's, uh, it's going. You know. Ooh, W-I-S-E-N.

Maria: Anything interesting?

Robinson: I bothered corporate and they actually sent us a new printer, so that's cool I guess.

Maria: That's my boy! M-A-S-S-I-V-E. I'll use a blank and that'll cross two double word tiles. That's… forty-eight more points for me? Hundred and one to thirty-seven.

Robinson: No. What? No. You can't do that!

Maria: Go look it up, maybe the word was invented in Maine!

Robinson: Fine, fine. And I need to swap out four of these anyway, they're all O's.

Maria: Anything else happen lately?

Robinson: Not really.

[Long pause.]

Maria: Are you sure you're okay, Bill?

Robinson: Yeah, just… yeah. F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

Maria: You know, that was very kind of you, making sure that printer got in. [Coughs.]

Robinson: You okay?

Maria: Sorry, I'm fine.

Robinson: Nothing compared to you, I guess.

Maria: Nonsense! R-E-M-A-T-C-H. On a double word tile.

Robinson: World champion ability, I guess.

Maria: Bill, you are as kind and loving of a grandson as I could ever want.

Robinson: Yeah but… I wish I could be adventurous, you know? Helping all sorts of people, living out a fantastical quest or something, I dunno.

Maria: Bill, your worth is not decided by—

[A loud bang is heard.]

Maria: Oh, dear. Not again.

Robinson: The stove? Do you need help?

Maria: I've got it, I've got it. [Brief pause.] I got it back on.

Robinson: They haven't fixed that either?

Maria: At least it doesn't keep me up at night. But I called about it too.

Robinson: No luck?

Maria: I think they forgot we live here. Ben next door has the same problem, tried calling eight times before the caretaker yelled at him to leave her alone. The poor man is stuck in bed, what's he supposed to do about it? I let her have it, I'll tell you. [Yawns.]

Robinson: We need more people like you.

Maria: We have you, Bill. That's— [Coughs heavily.]

Robinson: Grandma! [Footsteps.] Why don't you lie down.

Maria: You don't want me to beat you again?

Robinson: I'm serious.

Maria: It's a bit late, I guess. You got here at eight, right? [Creaking noises.] Thank you, sweetie.

Robinson: I'm worried about you, you sure you're not sick?

Maria: I'm ninety-six, not dead. And I fully will make it to a hundred. Still— [Coughs.] —maybe I should rest so I can finish the race.

Robinson: Good idea, I'll get some water for you. We'll finish the game another day, okay?

Maria: Fine, fine.

[Long silence.]

Robinson: Anything else you need, grandma?

Maria: No, but thank you, sweetheart.

Robinson: Goodnight, grandma.

Maria: Goodnight, Bill.

Investigation Report 8228.1-2: Following the above incident, Robinson began researching methods of alleviating his grandmother's medical difficulties, although many of them are simply byproducts of old age. The next day, he discreetly conducted an unauthorized search into Bumblebee Medical Technologies' research projects, and managed to stumble across a transaction with Marshall, Carter & Dark2, which had been marked as an advanced medical technology investment into de-aging research.

That same day, during his lunch break, he spoke with his supervisor, Arthur Arbuckle regarding MC&D. The below footage was captured from a security camera in Arbuckle's office.

[Arbuckle is eating a sandwich while filling out some paperwork. There is a knock at the door.]

Arbuckle: Come in!

[Robinson enters the office.]

Arbuckle: Hey Bill! Aren't you supposed to be on lunch right now?

Robinson: I'll be going out in a little bit, I just, uh, wanted to ask you something.

Arbuckle: Yeah, just one sec. [He signs a paper and puts it in a manila folder, which he sets aside.] Alright, what's up?

Robinson: So you know about my grandma, right?

Arbuckle: Did something happen, is she alright?

Robinson: Oh no— I mean, yeah, she's okay. Okay as she can be, but yeah.

Arbuckle: [Sighs.] You scared me for a sec, I thought she might've, you know—

Robinson: Oh! [Chuckles nervously.] Oh, she's still alive, yeah. But she's not doing so great.

Arbuckle: Right.

Robinson: And like, I've been trying to find some resources for her, and today I was looking into some of our older files for the upcoming audit, and I came across this thing, do you know what Marshall, Carter & Dark is? It mentioned something about a medical investment and I just got curious.

Arbuckle: Hmm… I don't think I've heard of them? Do you want me to look into it?

Robinson: Yeah, if you're not busy.

Arbuckle: That paper was actually my last little task before lunch, so you came at the right time. Let me run a search, hold on just a minute.

Robinson: Yeah, no rush.

[Arbuckle spends a few moments typing into his computer.]

Arbuckle: Okay, looks like we have some records with them… seems like they're mainly an investment firm, from what I'm seeing, mostly top-level exchanges.

Robinson: Hmm.

Arbuckle: That being said, looks like there was something marked under "medical technology," let's see… [Arbuckle seems confused.] Weird. The details are locked, all I can see is that it was from Research.

Robinson: Huh.

Arbuckle: Yeah, you'd need a higher-up to unlock it, I can send a request but it might be a few weeks, Research is weird about these.

Robinson: I guess I can wait.

Arbuckle: Well, if you want I can give you the number and address for this company too, when's your next day off?

Robinson: Tomorrow, actually.

Arbuckle: Perfect, maybe give them a call or a visit, that address is for their office here.

Robinson: Got it, thanks Arthur.

Arbuckle: No problem, have a good lunch. And say hi to your grandma for me!

Robinson: Will do.

Investigation Report 8228.1-3: The next day, Robinson arrived at MC&D's Philadelphia office. The below security footage was purchased from MC&D.

[Robinson walks up to the receptionist's desk.]

Receptionist: What can I do for you, partner?

Robinson: Hi there, I'm here to ask some questions about an item you had stocked recently? Sorry, I'm not sure about how all this works, I've never been here before.

Receptionist: Don't worry about it, bud. Name?

Robinson: Bill Robinson.

Receptionist: And do you have a form?

Robinson: Yeah, Arthur gave me one, let me just… [He pulls a folded paper out of his pocket and hands it to the receptionist.]

Receptionist: Alright, I'll have someone out for you shortly. Might be a bit though, you mind waiting?

Robinson: Yeah, thank you.

[Robinson takes a seat in the lobby. After about twenty minutes, a woman in a suit walks in.]

Woman: Robinson?

Robinson: [Stands up.] Right here.

[The woman walks over to Robinson and shakes his hand.]

Woman: The name's Farleigh, I'll meet you over here.

[Farleigh guides Robinson over to a side office. Farleigh sits behind the desk and opens her computer, while Robinson sits opposite her.]

Robinson: So how big is this firm? Like, are Marshall, Carter, or Dark here?

Farleigh: Where do you work?

Robinson: I work for Bumblebee Med Tech, why?

Farleigh: Would you be able to set me up with your CEO?

Robinson: Oh, uh, no. That was a dumb question now that I think about it.

Farleigh: [Laughs.] Not at all! We're not terribly big, though nobody here's met the big bosses in person. Now, the man up front said you were looking into this? [She shows the paper that Robinson gave to the receptionist.]

Robinson: Yep.

Farleigh: Let's see here. [She begins typing into her computer.] It's under medical… [Farleigh stops.] How much do you know about this item?

Robinson: Not much, just that it has to do with de-aging? It was bought from my company and that's all it said in the cover page, the rest was locked though.

Farleigh: Are you here representing your company?

Robinson: Oh no, this is personal.

Farleigh: I… see.

Robinson: Is there a problem?

Farleigh: Well, the original item was ordered by Miss Dark herself. This whole file is locked wholesale by her. [She looks up from her computer.] This is right from the top, you'll have to— hold on, let me put in a request form.

[A few moments pass as Farleigh types into her computer before looking up.]

Farleigh: I've sent in a report, but it might take a few days or even weeks to be approved.

Robinson: Ugh, that's what my boss said too.

Farleigh: I'm sorry, but— [She turns back to her computer and her eyes widen.] Wait, that's not— How— [She looks at Robinson.] I'll need you to come with me.

Robinson: Huh? Why?

Farleigh: Just follow me.

[Farleigh leads Robinson down two flights of stairs and down a hallway. At the very end is a single door. She opens it and Robinson enters. Inside is an office with an old, mustached man behind the desk. The office is mostly barren, with only a phone and a small printer on the desk. Farleigh closes the door behind Robinson as he sits down.]

Robinson: Hi. Uh… what's going on?

[The man doesn't answer. Instead, the phone begins ringing. He holds out a hand towards it. After a moment, Robinson picks it up.]

Robinson: Hello?

Woman: Hello, Mr. Robinson.

Robinson: Sorry, I didn't mean to cause all this trouble, I'm just—

Woman: I know what you're here for, Mr. Robinson. Do you know who I am?

Robinson: No.

Woman: My name is Miss Dark. You've been looking into something of mine. How much do you know about it?

Robinson: Well, like I told Miss Farleigh, all I know is that it's something to do with de-aging and it was made by Bumblebee Med research?

[A few moments pass.]

Dark: Tell me, how is your grandmother?

[Robinson pales.]

Robinson: How— how do you know about my grandma?

Dark: I make it my business to know who I'm doing business with, Mr. Robinson. This is for her, isn't it?

Robinson: [Clears throat.] Yeah. Yeah.

Dark: She's a remarkable woman. Tell me, Mr. Robinson, what brought you to look in the places you did? Why not go to a doctor or another medical consultant? Why sneak around in your own company's — yes, I know how you got this information — your own company's files and then come to us?

[Robinson stares at the man ahead of him, who does not react.]

Robinson: I don't think they'd be able to help. This isn't just about her being sick, it's about her being old. I need a miracle, and I thought maybe some rich people or something might be looking into it.

Dark: [Laughs.] You're a smart young man. Yes, everyone wants to live forever, but only the rich like ourselves might have any shot at it. Now tell me, if you do end up finding this treatment, why not use it on yourself?

Robinson: I mean… it's probably a medication or a procedure, right? And it's really expensive, I assume. I'll probably only be able to afford to treat one person.

Dark: But why her and not yourself?

Robinson: I mean, she's old, and like, I don't need it, so—

Dark: No.

Robinson: Sorry?

Dark: Tell me the truth, Mr. Robinson.

[A minute passes.]

Robinson: I think… I think it would be better for everyone if she were the one to have a second life, you know? She's done a lot and can do a lot more, and I'm… not really doing anything, so it won't be much good on me…

Dark: And here you are, Mr. Robinson.

Robinson: So what is it? How much will it cost me?

Dark: I can help you find what you're looking for, but you must be aware that it may require accepting a world around you that you may not want to see. Do you understand, Mr. Robinson?

Robinson: I don't… think so. But I also think I need this.

Dark: Excellent. Are you listening?

Robinson: Yeah.

Dark: The methods used to create this treatment are not scientific in nature. Many large companies have dabbled in occult or other esoteric methods for their own gain. Ours is by far the deepest in this sphere, but everyone from Disney to Lockheed-Martin has at least some involvement here. The Esoteric Division of Bumblebee Medical Research produced this particular item, with funding from yours personally into its development.

Robinson: Okay, but what is it?

[The printer turns on. After a moment, it produces a picture of SCP-8228. The man hands it to Robinson.]

Dark: Certain esoteric methods have unusual requirements, or are only able to fit in certain things. What you're looking for is a plate of cupcakes. When eaten, a cupcake restores a person to their youthful state, and heals any afflictions they may have.

[Long pause.]

Robinson: Is this—

Dark: A joke? No, no it's not.

Robinson: What are you even saying? That I have to feed my grandma magic cupcakes? What are you talking about?

Dark: Yes.

Robinson: This is— I'm sorry, just— What? This is a joke! Do you just not want me to—

[The old man pulls out a gun and points it at Robinson while putting a finger to his lips.]

Robinson: WHAT THE FUCK?

Dark: Stop talking and stay seated.

[Robinson is visibly panicked, but complies.]

Dark: Now, listen here, young man. I'm a busy woman, and an old one too, so I would prefer not to sit here and hear your endless whining. Are you ready to listen?

[Brief pause.]

Robinson: Yeah. Yes.

[The old man puts the gun away.]

Dark: Good. I apologize for the show of force, but I take my job and my time very seriously, and I'd prefer for you not to insult the former and waste the latter. Now, this particular item was stolen from me by an upstart gang. While the item is important to me, I also need to consider the cost to benefit ratio to getting them back. So far, direct force has proven both costly and inefficient, and though I intended to eventually put more resources towards their retrieval, it seems I'm lucky enough to have come across… a volunteer.

[Long pause.]

Robinson: Me?

Dark: You have your own reasons for trying to retrieve the item, no? The way I see it, you only need one of the cupcakes, and I will take the rest. In return for a lead to their location, I'll need you to give me the remainder of the goods, after you've used what you need.

Robinson: But why do you need someone like me to do it? I mean, I guess you explained that, but how am I supposed to get them if you guys couldn't? It sounds like these guys are pretty dangerous, right?

Dark: Not necessarily. An annoyance, certainly, especially for my company. And I have low expectations from you, but you have two distinct advantages. First, you are not associated with us. They won't immediately attack. And second, their behavior and methods are… I would say sentimental. They might — might — take pity on you.

Robinson: I'm sorry, I'm just… I'm still confused by all this. Is this just some kind of technology and medicine that they decided to put in cupcakes for some reason?

Dark: Mr. Robinson, you are free to believe whatever you want. But I'm telling you, right now, that this is far different from the basic science that already goes over your head.

Robinson: It's just… I can't believe it. I can't.

[Dark sighs.]

Dark: You are driven by a deep-seated desire, one that has already taken you to desperate measures. If you're lucky, you'll be able to negotiate for one of the cupcakes and feed it to your grandmother. But I suspect that you'll inevitably find yourself stumbling into the wider world.

[A paper is printed again. On it is a map and list of directions.]

Dark: On that paper is a map. These thieves are largely ocean-based, but they regularly dock in New York Harbor. You can either take the map to them or leave it.

[Long pause.]

Dark: Now, Mr. Robinson, I'm afraid I have more pressing matters to deal with, and you've wasted my time long enough. Do take care, though. And remember, should you succeed, you will have a debt to us, one which I expect you to deliver on unless you want to suffer far more dire and immediately painful consequences than a dead relative. Good day.

[The phone call disconnects. Robinson remains seated for several minutes. He stands up and exits, deliberately leaving the map behind.]

[After a moment, Robinson opens the door, grabs the map, and leaves again.]

Investigation Report 8228.1-4: The following day, Robinson notified his company that he would need time off, citing a medical emergency regarding his grandmother. That morning, he drove from Philadelphia to New York Harbor, following the directions provided by Dark.

[Robinson arrives at the designated docks; there are relatively few boats around. He walks until he reaches a general cargo ship. The hull is dark blue, with the words "WEARY DOLPHIN" written on it. Robinson stands in front of the side ramp.]

Robinson: Um… hello?

[Silence.]

Robinson: [Louder.] Hello?

[The silence continues. Robinson's head dips slightly.]

Robinson: Hello— full of shit lady, that's what you are.

[Robinson leans against the railing and groans. He pulls out the map and crumples it up before tossing it into the water.]

Unknown: Yo man, cut that out.

Robinson: Sorry. [He looks around.] Uh, who said that?

Unknown: Down here.

[Robinson looks towards his feet and screams. Standing in front of him is a pigeon with white feathers, though its head has been replaced with a security camera.3]

Robinson: Jesus Christ!

Unknown: What? What's the big idea?

[Robinson takes a few deep breaths, then looks warily at the creature.]

Robinson: What are you?

Unknown: I'm a pigeon. Coo. Coo. What are you?

Robinson: I'm, uh, I'm a human. I'm Bill.

Unknown: Hi Bill, I'm Broom.

Robinson: Hi Broom.

[Long pause.]

Broom: Whatcha doing here?

Robinson: I was— I was told to talk to the people on this boat. I need to… to get some cupcakes.

Broom: Oh hey, I work on this ship actually. Everyone's probably below deck. You wanna come aboard?

Robinson: Oh! Sure? Sure!

Broom: Come on, then!

[Robinson and Broom begin walking up the ramp.]

Robinson: Looks like rain.

Broom: Yep.

[Once they arrive aboard the ship, they both stop briefly.]

Robinson: Sorry, this is all a bit new to me.

Broom: Never been on a ship before?

Robinson: No, I mean… Like, I came here for some magic food that makes people young, and I didn't actually believe it, but now I'm looking at you and… is it actually real?

Broom: I dunno. Also what do I have to do with this?

Robinson: Well it's just, you know, your um…

Broom: My appearance?

Robinson: Yeah.

Broom: Albinism, makes me look like a dove more than anything.

Robinson: What? No, I mean… your head! The camera!

Broom: What are you talking about?

Robinson: Do you— Do you not—?

[The ship lurches forward. Robinson turns to see that the side ramp has already retracted.]

Robinson: Wait! Wait wait wait!

Broom: Uh oh.

Robinson: I'm not trying to stow away, Broom! Can you tell them to stop?

Broom: What? No! You're not supposed to be here anyway!

Robinson: But you brought me on board!

Broom: I'm not allowed to do that!

Robinson: What? Broom, what—

[A dart sprouts from Robinson's neck and he collapses to the ground. Another dart pierces Broom, who likewise passes out.]

[Robinson awakens, tied to a chair at a table. The only light source is a dim bulb in the ceiling, revealing another chair on the opposite side of the table and a metal door at the opposite side of the room. In the corner next to him sits Broom, who has also been tied up.]

Robinson: [Groans.] What's… what? Where am I? Hello?

Broom: Hi.

[Robinson turns his head towards Broom.]

Robinson: You! When I—

[The door opens and several people walk in. All of them are dressed in various outfits for different water activities, such as sailor uniforms, swimsuits, and scuba gear. Most of them are chatting among themselves as they enter.]

Man: Hey! Move it, I don't need a crowd!

[A man pushes through the people to stand in front of them. He has dark skin, a heavy beard, and is wearing an indigo wetsuit with black accents. Over it is a heavy trench coat, and on his head he wears a tricorn hat.]

Man: Quiet down, everyone!

[The talking stops.]

Man: I know you're all excited, but if you're going to be here I need you quiet, understand?

[The other people murmur in affirmation.]

Man: Now… [He sits and places a wallet on the table.] Mr. Robinson.

Robinson: Hey, listen, this is all just a misunderstanding, I wasn't trying to stow away, the boat left while I was on board and I just wanted to talk and—

Man: Okay, okay, settle down, we're not gonna hurt you. As for you! [He turns to Broom.]

Broom: Hey boss.

Man: I'll deal with you later. Now, Mr. Robinson— Can I call you Bill?

Robinson: Uh, sure.

Man: Good. Listen Bill. Broom here has a bad habit of bringing folks aboard for the hell of it. So I'd assume you just got roped in, except you just told me that you meant to come aboard anyway. Now, I want you to tell me exactly why you're here.

Robinson: Okay, so I've been trying to find some cupcakes for my grandma that apparently can make people young again. I got told you guys have them so I just wanted to ask you, but then I got stuck here.

[Brief pause.]

Man: I believe you.

Robinson: You do?

Man: I know when people are lying, I taught high school for twelve years. Plus, you wouldn't have given yourself away so easily if you were a pro spy. Amir, untie him.

[An old Middle Eastern man walks over and begins untying Robinson.]

Man: The name's Dylan, by the way.

Robinson: Oh, hi Dylan.

[Robinson stands up. Dylan holds out his hand, and Robinson tentatively shakes it.]

Dylan: Alright you lot, nothing to see here, get a move on.

[Dylan and Robinson begin walking out the door.]

Broom: What about me?

[Dylan turns around and sighs.]

Dylan: What did I tell you, Broom?

Broom: That you'd deal with me later?

Dylan: I told you to stop bringing random folks aboard. It's dangerous.

Broom: Oh right. Sorry, boss.

[Dylan walks over to Broom and unties him. Broom flies over to Robinson and perches on his shoulder.]

Dylan: Sorry for the trouble, Bill. We sometimes get some less reputable folks aboard so we need to make sure they're not trouble.

Robinson: Oh. I get it, yeah.

[Dylan leads Robinson up to the deck.]

Dylan: You mentioned some cupcakes, right?

Robinson: Yeah, I was looking into some medical stuff to see about treating my grandma, and it led me to these guys called MC&D?

Dylan: And the bastards sent you to us, right?

Robinson: They gave me a map to you, and in return I just need to give them the cupcakes I don't use.

Dylan: You got lucky, lots of times people are wrapped into selling their soul away. We always give them a hard time whenever we cross paths, but it's hard for just this to compete with all the money in the world.

Robinson: What is this, anyway?

Dylan: We're the Shark Punching Center.

Robinson: Oh. Huh. I… didn't realize that sharks needed punching.

Dylan: Ha! Yeah, they sure do.

Robinson: Do you just go around… punching sharks?

Dylan: [Chuckles.] We still do, but not as much anymore.

Robinson: Oh. What happened?

Dylan: Well, there are lots of menacing creatures on the high seas, but most of them are sharks. Void sharks, nuclear sharks, tactical sharks, you name it. I got sick of being a teacher, wanted some adventure, so I came out to the sea and started hunting evil sharks. Was pretty good at it too. Eventually got a crew and a bigger boat, but after a while…

[Dylan gazes into the distance for a minute.]

Dylan: Well, there's lots more evil in the world than just sharks, you know. Our crew got bigger, and at some point I guess we started fighting a lot more than just sharks. Guess when you start getting powerful, you're strong enough to start doing what you really want to.

Robinson: I think my grandma would like you guys.

Dylan: She sounds like a great lady. But that brings us back to why you're here.

Robinson: The cupcakes.

Dylan: Right. I remember those. We came across an MC&D ship, boarded them, but all they were carrying is a cake plate of cupcakes. It was really odd, obviously. We bring them aboard, look at the file with it, it has all sorts of magic, so on and so forth, you know what they do.

Robinson: So do you have them?

Dylan: No. We got roped into a gambling show hosted by Vikander-Kneed. They're their own can of worms, but if they ever call you into a show, you're attending whether you like it or not. One of our guys ends up in Vegas along with some of our stuff, including the cupcakes. They ended up losing everything there.

Robinson: Oh.

Dylan: Don't fret though! The whole thing happened at the Golden Roger Casino. We're a good ways away from New York, but we should be back in a couple hours. Once you're there—

[The ship rumbles. A thick, green mist starts to fill the deck.]

Dylan: Shit! Put this on, Bill!

[Dylan pulls out a pair of gas masks and gives one to Robinson, who puts it on.]

Robinson: What's happening?

Dylan: Broom! Wake up!

[Broom jerks and perks up, having apparently fallen asleep on Robinson's shoulder.]

Dylan: Sleeping gas. By now the rest of the crew's probably out cold. Broom, keep an eye on Bill. Both of you hide and be quiet!

Robinson: Dylan! What's happening?

Dylan: It's one of the sharks! From—

[A figure erupts from the water by the ship. After a few seconds, it falls onto the deck, landing on its feet. Robinson and Broom both hide behind a metal shipping container.]

Dylan: Well, well. Bit early for a visit from the Cult of Many Sharks, isn't it?

[The gas slowly dissipates, revealing the figure. It largely resembles a human, but its skin is a light gray, its hands are webbed, and it bears a shark's head instead of a human one. It is wearing advanced tactical gear, and strapped to its back is an anchor.]

Sharkic Entity: Dylan… after months of searching for you myself, you just so happen to stumble into me. Fate is a funny thing, but now you'll fall at the hands of Bloodrend!

Dylan: I figured the cult would have sent more. Only one of you versus me is hardly a fair fight.

[Bloodrend roars and pulls the anchor off its back.]

Bloodrend: This is personal, Dylan. My hate is more than just the cult's. Twice now I have failed to kill you, even with the help of my own.

Dylan: And what makes you think you can do it alone?

Bloodrend: I've spent the last several months training, honing my skills. Now, I alone face you, without your crew. Just the two of us, in an honorable battle.

[Dylan holds up his fists and pumps each of them once.]

Dylan: Then come on, son! Give it your best shot!

[Bloodrend charges at Dylan and swings its anchor. Dylan crouches to dodge it and goes for a punch to the back of the knee. Bloodrend turns around and catches Dylan's fist in his hand.]

Dylan: What?

[Bloodrend throws Dylan across the deck.]

Bloodrend: The Cult of Many Sharks has always forbidden the use of fin-to-hand combat! But this…

[Robinson repositions himself to get a better view of the fight. Bloodrend runs to Dylan and tries to punch him, but Dylan manages to dodge the blow.]

Bloodrend: I have nothing left to lose, Dylan! I've lost my honor to you twice now! And in this fight, I'll stoop to your level!

[Bloodrend and Dylan rush towards each other. The two exchange a flurry of blows, briefly in a stalemate, until Bloodrend feints and lands a punch to Dylan's face. Dylan stumbles, but remains standing.]

Dylan: Amateur. Anyone can throw a few punches.

Bloodrend: [Roars.] I'll show you!

[Dylan goes for another punch, but Bloodrend knocks it away.]

Bloodrend: You've been punching all this time, Dylan! But you're nothing more than a mere human! You'll never know a true shark's strength until I hit you with it!

[Bloodrend punches Dylan to the ground. Before he can get up, it places a foot on his chest.]

Robinson: No!

Bloodrend: Weak little man.

[Robinson starts sneaking towards Bloodrend, keeping behind it.]

Broom: [Whispering.] What are you thinking?

Bloodrend: For too long, you and your crew have halted the Cult of Many Sharks' divine mission. Without you, we would have conquered the world a long time ago. But now…

[Bloodrend leans to Dylan's head.]

Bloodrend: You're finished. Once I've defeated you, I will return to our cult and regain my honor, and we'll begin our assault. The world is as weak as you, Dylan. They'll fold to our might. Twenty-nine sharks… humanity has no defense against our numbers! Of course, for my deeds, I'll be given a palace. Perhaps I'll keep your corpse in—

[Robinson finishes closing the distance, and with a scream, he punches Bloodrend. Bloodrend stumbles slightly, taking its foot off Dylan. It roars and punches Robinson back, knocking him down.]

Bloodrend: Pathetic wimp! You dare to interrupt my vengeance speech? Once I'm finished with him, you're next!

[Bloodrend turns back around, but Dylan is gone.]

Bloodrend: What!

Dylan: Hey Cumrend.

[Bloodrend looks up to see Dylan, who had somehow grabbed one of the ship's crane hooks and climbed onto a tall container, swinging towards him. Dylan connects his fist with Bloodrend's face, causing it to stumble backwards. It hits the railing and falls overboard.]

Dylan: Sea you on the flip side.

[Dylan runs to Robinson and helps him up.]

Dylan: Well done, Bill!

Robinson: [Groans.] Thanks.

Dylan: Looks like you could use a well-deserved rest.

Broom: I knew you had it in you! Oh, I remember when I first brought you aboard so long ago, I said right there you had potential, and—

Dylan: Broom.

Broom: Yeah boss?

Dylan: Shut up.

[After several hours, Robinson awakens. He has been moved to a cot inside the ship. Broom flies to him.]

Broom: Evening, partner.

Robinson: [Yawns.] I thought I was dreaming.

Broom: Were you? You slept like a baby.

Robinson: I mean about this. Did I… did I fight a shark?

Broom: I mean, you got hit by a shark and nearly died, but—

[The door opens and Dylan enters.]

Dylan: Bill! Good to see you awake!

Robinson: Thanks, Dylan.

Dylan: Oh, no no no. I should be thanking you! Without your help, I'd be dead!

Robinson: Mm… didn't do much.

Dylan: Don't be stupid, you did great!

Robinson: I got my ass handed to me by a fish.

Dylan: And distracted it long enough for me to get rid of it! That was such a moving display of bravery. And I don't say that sarcastically.

[Robinson blushes and turns his head.]

Robinson: Well, thanks. Where are we right now?

Dylan: We left New York about two hours ago. We got your car on board.

Robinson: Wait, but you said the cupcakes are in Vegas, right? And why's my car here?

Dylan: Exactly right, man. And I'm gonna help you with that. Follow me.

[Dylan guides Robinson to the deck. As he does so, several of the SPC members they pass thank or congratulate Robinson.]

Dylan: Broom told them all about what you did. Or rather, what he remembers and what I amended.

Broom: Right ho, we did!

Robinson: I feel more embarrassed than anything.

[The three of them arrive at the wheelhouse. Dylan turns to Robinson.]

Dylan: You did a very brave thing, Bill. Doesn't matter if you didn't do the big finish. Being willing to fight against cruelty, that's what matters.

[Dylan guides them all inside. The interior resembles an average cargo ship wheelhouse, aside from an unusually large lever on the wall labeled "FAST LANE." Four SPC members are at different stations, manning the ship.]

Dylan: Now! I'm not just gonna make you go to Vegas the long way. I try to avoid using it unless for emergencies, but for you, I owe you one and many more. Shelly!

[A woman wearing a mid-1800s diving suit turns to the group.]

Shelly: Yes sir?

Dylan: Are we ready for departure?

Shelly: We're fifty miles from land, no ships in sight, and no major obstructions for twelve hundred feet beneath us.

Robinson: Beneath us?

Dylan: Oh, you'll see! Shelly, care to do the honors?

Shelly: On it!

[Shelly grabs the "FAST LANE" lever and pulls it down. A loud alarm sounds through the ship.]

Robinson: What's going on?

Dylan: Look out there!

[Robinson looks out the window. The water seems to be rising around the ship.]

Robinson: Dylan! We're sinking!

Dylan: [Laughs.] Yes we are! Brace yourself!

[The ship begins sinking faster. Just as the water is about to go over the hull, Robinson flinches and ducks to the floor.]

Dylan: That gets everyone! Get up, Bill! Take a look!

[Robinson slowly rises and looks out the window, then rushes out the door to get a better view. The ship is completely submerged, but a pocket of air holds itself around the deck, leaving the entire walking area of the ship completely dry. Several species of Atlantic fish swim around, illuminated by the lights on deck. Robinson gazes at a humpback whale passing by the ship. Dylan pats him on the back.]

Dylan: Good morning, Bill. It's a beautiful world outside.

[Robinson walks along the deck, with Dylan and Broom following him, gazing at the fish around the ship. After several minutes, it begins to rise, eventually breaching the surface.]

Dylan: Here comes the magic touch!

[As the ship rises, the scenery becomes more apparent. It is the middle of the night, and the ship seems to have risen from a lake in a desert biome. The ship makes its way to the shore and docks. Dylan guides Robinson to the side ramp.]

Dylan: Now, we're at Lake Mead right now. Vegas is mostly west. I've parked us where we shouldn't be seen, since otherwise we'd have to deal with Foundation investigations later, so you're gonna need to do some off-roading until you get to the main road, turn left onto Lakeshore Road, then right once you hit the highway. Go until you hit the Eleven, then turn right again and keep driving until you get to Vegas. Book a room somewhere, then in the morning look for the Golden Roger Casino. You got all that?

Robinson: Lakeshore, highway, Eleven, hotel, Golden Roger Casino.

Dylan: There's my man. Now listen. Golden Roger's not actually a casino, at least, not the one in Vegas. Closed down in the eighties, still there. It's one of the few unregulated portals to Hell, though.

Robinson: Hell?

Dylan: Fourth Circle, yeah. Now, once you're there, you'll need to make your way to the Luxor. That's what's anchoring Hell to Vegas, and more importantly, where we lost the goods. Find Ruth, she's running one of the blackjack tables. Very tall, green skin, three eyes. Most importantly, don't bet too much. You can lose a lot more than your money in Vegas.

Broom: And keep your head down!

Dylan: You too, Broom. Oh yeah, Broom's coming with you.

Broom: I am?

Robinson: He is?

Dylan: His memory's a bit shaky, but he's a good friend to have. And he loves a good trip.

Broom: I do?

Dylan: Oh, and one more thing.

[Dylan hands Robinson a slip of paper.]

Dylan: That's my number. Please don't go asking for constant random favors, but if you're ever in an emergency, just give me a call.

Robinson: Oh, thanks, thank you!

Dylan: How are you holding up?

Robinson: It's… a lot. I think I need to process it a little.

Dylan: Get some actual sleep first. But you'll do great. You've got a good head on your shoulders and a strong heart in your chest.

Robinson: Thanks, Dylan. I just…

[Dylan lays a hand on Robinson's shoulder.]

Dylan: It's scary, isn't it?

Robinson: [Nods.] Yeah. Yeah it is.

Dylan: Learning that this secret world is here, it was scary for all of us.

Robinson: Do you ever wish you could forget it all?

Dylan: No. Not really. Because it's beautiful, too. You know, an infinitely deeper world just means infinitely more possibilities.

Robinson: I'm not sure I'm cut out for this. I'm not anything special.

Dylan: Neither was I.

[Long pause.]

Dylan: You should get going.

Robinson: Yeah.

[Dylan holds out his arms. After a moment, Robinson hugs him. The two embrace momentarily before Robinson begins to leave, his face red. As he does, the SPC members cheer and clap for him. He waves before stepping in his car and leaving. As he does so, the ship sinks behind him.]

Robinson: Hey grandma, it's me.

Robinson: Yeah, everything's— everything's okay.

Robinson: I'm out of town right now.

Robinson: No, it's… I'll tell you later. I just felt like calling you.

Robinson: You doing okay?

Robinson: That's good.

Robinson: I'm fine, just… you know.

Robinson: Yeah.

Robinson: Thanks, grandma. I love you.

Robinson: Sleep well.

Investigation Report 8228.1-5: Robinson arrived in Vegas later that night and stayed at the Crumpet Hotel. The following day, he and Broom made their way to the Golden Roger Casino.

Robinson: I think you should lay low, I've got a pocket on the inside of my coat if you want.

Broom: Don't be silly, there are lots of pigeons in Vegas.

Robinson: Never mind.

Broom: Oh, there he is! Golden Roger!

[Robinson stops in front of the Golden Roger Casino. There are multiple "Closed" signs in the windows, and the interior seems to be in a state of disrepair.]

Robinson: Do we like, knock?

Broom: Hell if I know.

[Robinson tentatively knocks on the door. Nothing happens.]

Broom: I told you that wouldn't work.

[Robinson ignores him and instead opts to open the door. It's unlocked and swings inward.]

Broom: I told you that wouldn't work either. But a broken clock is wrong twice a day! You ready to go, partner?

Robinson: Yeah. I guess so.

[Robinson enters and gasps. On the opposite side is Undervegas: an approximate recreation of Las Vegas inside of an immense cavern. Most of the casinos are once-closed venues which, save for the Golden Roger, are fully functioning. Tartarean-class entities of all classes are wandering the streets, and for the most part are behaving similarly to average Las Vegas citizens. The Luxor is clearly visible, standing taller than the other structures in Undervegas.]

Robinson: I'm not sure I'm ready for this, Broom. I— Broom!

[Broom has made his way to a tall, lanky demon, wearing an expensive suit and glasses.4 Its skin is tan and largely human-like, though shards of metal jut out of multiple places on its body.]

Broom: Hello there! My buddy and I were looking for the Luxor, would you be able to point us in the right direction?

[The demon turns to Robinson and walks towards him. Robinson remains still but holds his hands in front of his body. The demon stops inches away and stares down at Robinson.]

Demon: [Smiles.] Ah, you must have some poor eyesight, mate! Not to worry, I do too, that's why I gotta wear these prescription lenses! [He points to the Luxor.] Just head right about that way and you'll be there in no time.

Robinson: Oh! Uh, thanks!

Demon: Not a problem, mate! This your first time in Hell?

Robinson: I— yeah, yeah it is. I kind of expected you and everyone else to be more… evil?

Demon: Oh, I'm very evil. I actually just stole your wallet.

[The demon holds up Robinson's wallet and tries to run, but trips and falls after only a few feet, dropping it.]

Demon: Damn! My prescription lenses! And also my ankle!

[Robinson runs to his wallet, picks it up, and sprints away. Broom follows closely behind. After a minute, they slow to a walk.]

Robinson: Fuck.

Broom: Sorry Bill. He seemed like a good fellow.

Robinson: It's okay, just keep our heads low, yeah?

[The two of them start walking to the Luxor.]

Broom: You're handling this remarkably well.

Robinson: I mean, I guess. I thought I'd be feeling weirder about all this, but… it's like going to another country, I guess. Not that I've ever been, but I think this is how I'd feel.

Broom: Baby's first adventure!

Robinson: [Laughs.] I guess so. But I kind of want to get it all over with, Broom.

[Long pause.]

Robinson: Why are you called that, anyway?

Broom: Called what?

Robinson: Broom?

Broom: Yeah?

Robinson: No, I mean, why are you called Broom?

Broom: Oh! I used to mop the decks.

Robinson: Used to?

Broom: I think I wasn't very good at it. Dylan said I did okay, but I don't believe him.

Robinson: What do you do now?

Broom: I just want to be useful! Useful!

[The pair continue on in silence until they reach the Luxor.]

Robinson: We're here.

Broom: Excellent! We're very lucky Egypt borders Nevada!

[Robinson and Broom enter at the casino level. Inside, the interior resembles the Luxor in Las Vegas: an immense hollow pyramid, and even at the ground level the atrium is clearly visible. However, this version of the Luxor more closely resembles its initial opening appearance, including a much stronger Egyptian theme and the inclusion of the Nile River interior ride. Like the rest of Undervegas it is populated almost entirely by demons. A few guards roam the area, though none of them pay the pair any heed. Robinson and Broom both gaze around the hotel for a minute before making their way to the casinos.]

Robinson: Dylan said Ruth'll be at the blackjack tables and has green skin and three eyes.

Broom: Tall lady! Yes!

Robinson: You see her?

Broom: Left! Awooga!

[Robinson turns. On the opposite end of the casino area is a demon matching Ruth's description, indeed running a blackjack table. The two of them approach her. Two demons are at the table.]

Robinson: Ruth?

Ruth: Wait.

[The demon on the right's hand is a pair of fives. He taps the table and Ruth puts down a two. He taps again and the next card is a king. Ruth takes his chips.]

Right Demon: Hmph. Tough luck.

[The left demon's hand is a three and a four. He taps and gets another three. He taps again and receives a ten. He grins and waves his hands.]

Left Demon: For you, maybe.

[The card in front of Ruth is a six. She pulls out a four, then pulls out an ace.]

Left Demon: Fuck!

Ruth: Sorry, bud.

[The left demon knocks over the stool and stomps away to the slot machines. The other demon sighs and follows.]

Ruth: You here to play?

Robinson: Actually I'm here to talk to you.

Broom: Opinion on pastries?

Ruth: If it's quick and you don't take up space. What do you want?

Robinson: Do you remember participating in a show by Vikander-Kneed?

Ruth: [Scowls.] Wish I could forget.

Broom: You don't like them?

Ruth: Nobody likes them! I didn't want to run a blackjack game but I didn't really have a choice, did I?

Robinson: Do you remember winning a plate of cupcakes?

Ruth: I remember the house winning a lot of weird shit. Why are you looking for cupcakes in particular?

Robinson: Personal stuff.

Ruth: Well, they belong to the house now.

Robinson: Oh. Who do I talk to about getting them?

Ruth: Are you stupid?

Robinson: Sorry for being new in town, I guess.

Ruth: Whatever. Nothing I can do to help, anyway.

Robinson: Come on! I'm so close!

Ruth: Will you fuck off? If you're so desperate, go talk with Aeshma or something.

Robinson: Okay, where's Aeshma?

Ruth: Fuck if I know. Go talk with the front desk or whatever. I've got players here anyway.

Robinson: Thanks, I guess.

[Robinson walks back to the entrance where there is a long line of demons waiting to reach the desk.]

Robinson: Oh cool. Great.

Demon: Welcome to Hell, bud.

[Robinson stands in line, waiting for almost an hour before he reaches the front.]

Receptionist: Welcome to the Luxor Hotel and Casino, what can I—

[The receptionist looks at Robinson.]

Receptionist: Huh.

Robinson: Hi, yeah, I'm looking for Aeshma, I was just wondering if you could—

Receptionist: Are you here to make a deal?

Robinson: Sorry?

Receptionist: I said, are you here to make a deal?

Broom: Yes please!

Robinson: If I have to, sure?

[The receptionist turns behind her to a large demon made entirely of granite and wearing sunglasses and a T-shirt with "SECURITY" written across the front.]

Receptionist: Human looking for Aeshma.

[The security demon steps out from behind the counter.]

Security Demon: Come with me.

[The security demon guides Robinson and Broom to an elevator, taking care to avoid any guards as he does so. The three step in and are immediately taken upwards.]

Security Demon: [Holds finger to ear.] Tell Miss Aeshma she has a visitor. A human.

[The elevator stops. The security demon walks them through one of the hotel's hallways. After a minute, they reach a door labeled "Room 912," which he knocks upon.]

Female Voice: Come in!

[The security demon opens the door for Robinson and Broom, who promptly enter. Behind the door is what resembles a penthouse apartment. A hallway leads into a living room decorated by several potted plants, with a coffee table flanked by gray sofas in the center. The far wall of the living room is simply an immense window, which looks down into the interior of the Luxor.]

Voice: Just have a seat, I'll be over shortly!

[Robinson sits down and Broom perches on the sofa arm. After a moment, a woman enters. Aside from her red irises, she is indistinguishable from a normal human. She has brown hair and pale skin, and she wears a simple white shirt and jeans.]

Robinson: You're Aeshma?

Aeshma: Indeed I am. Would you care for some biscuits?

Robinson: Oh. Um, no thank you.

Broom: Yay biscuits!

[Aeshma snaps her fingers and a plate of biscuits appears on the table. Broom hops over and begins attempting to eat one of the biscuits, though because he lacks a beak he instead ends up slamming his face into it repeatedly.]

Aeshma: Now, what can I do for you?

Robinson: I'm sorry to bother you, I was just recommended by Ruth down there, I'm looking for something that was taken by the casino here and I just wanted to know if there was anything I could do to get it back.

[Aeshma stares at Robinson for a moment before sitting down.]

Aeshma: You really don't know what you're doing, do you?

Robinson: I'm sorry?

Aeshma: Oh, where to begin… Bill, yes?

Robinson: How did—

Aeshma: Names are easy for demons. I already knew a great deal about you before you came here, but you don't know anything about me, do you?

Robinson: I… guess not.

Aeshma: I am Aeshma. Pit Boss of The Beat and the Demon of Wrath.

[Brief pause.]

Robinson: Wrath.

Aeshma: Surprised?

Robinson: A bit.

Aeshma: Most people are. Most of the other Pit Bosses are more apt reflections of their domain. Even my closest competitors are brimming with visible hatred and anger.

Robinson: But you're not?

Aeshma: Oh, Bill. I'm more livid than any of them could ever be. But hidden anger, confused anger… that's where it's most potent.

Robinson: I'm not sure I understand.

Aeshma: Back in the day, I was a Zoroastrian demon. Aeshma of the bloody mace. Of course, I've mostly forgotten those days, do you know how many people follow Zoroastrianism?

Robinson: None?

Aeshma: Not many. But as I was forgotten and Christianity was fully realized, I found myself condemned to this place. I worked to rule The Beat, though it's not been easy. So many times I've lost my throne and had to take it back. And then the Foundation came… and here I am. Once again shadowed, not by insignificance, but by authority.

Robinson: I feel like I've heard that name before. The Foundation.

Aeshma: I will explain in a moment, but I want you to listen to me first. It's been so long since a living human has come directly to me.

Robinson: Right, I need something.

Aeshma: But in order to make a deal with me, I want to bare my soul to you.

Robinson: Why?

[Aeshma stares at Robinson for a moment.]

Aeshma: Much like you, I've been constantly frustrated by irrelevance and inferiority. But unlike other humans, and indeed, other demons, I can recognize it. Hide it. But never run from it, because running from anger is running from pain, and running from pain is running from strength. It gave me a sense of self, and what enabled me to persist when the demons and gods of my original pantheon didn't.

[Aeshma puts her hands together. When she opens them, a cup of tea has appeared, from which she takes a sip.]

Aeshma: I'm telling you right now that I'm angry, hateful, and violent, but you'll never believe it because I say it so calmly and sweetly. And that same veiled anger is what you and so many others possess. By telling you who I am, you regress further into your own anger, and further into my clutches.

Robinson: I'm not really angry.

Aeshma: Oh, of course you are! But I'm so happy to see you deny it, like everyone else. No one else sees anger until it's obvious, and that's their downfall, because when it's obvious, it's sloppy and unintelligent and crude.

Robinson: If— If I'm angry, it's because I'm not getting any closer to what I want.

Aeshma: Music to my ears! But don't worry, Bill. I'm going to help you. You asked about the Foundation, yes? I'm surprised no one's told you about them.

Robinson: So like, are they with the government or something?

Aeshma: Nothing so small as that. By now you've seen a few magical and unexplainable things. Do you know why nobody knows about them? The Foundation is why. The eye in the sky, the men in black, the big brother.

Robinson: But I was able to find out.

Aeshma: Oh, they're not so minute as that. They're just smart enough to know where to put their resources. It's why I'm in a penthouse suite rather than a prison cell. It wouldn't matter either way, though.

Robinson: So they're in control of Hell?

Aeshma: The Luxor, both in Hell and on the other side, is just their base of operations. If something was lost here, you'll have them to answer to. And while Vegas casinos have a predatory reputation, they're nothing compared to the SCP Foundation.

[They sit in silence for a moment.]

Aeshma: Is it worth it?

Robinson: I mean, yeah.

Aeshma: You do understand how those cupcakes work?

Robinson: I—

Aeshma: Names aren't the only thing I know. As your anger grows, your soul becomes more open to me. Now, do you understand how they work?

Robinson: They make people healthy and young when they eat them?

Aeshma: At a price. The person physically closest to them dies.

[Robinson remains silent, clearly in thought.]

Aeshma: Obviously, feeding one to your grandmother would most likely require your demise, but there are ways around that. You could always have someone else closer to you when she eats it, or you—

Robinson: That doesn't change anything.

[Aeshma's eyes widen, clearly surprised. She leans forward and looks into Robinson's eyes for a few seconds.]

Aeshma: Now that's interesting. I've seen a lot of people claim they'd sacrifice themselves for a cause, but… you might actually do it. Why?

Robinson: I thought you'd know.

Aeshma: Maybe I do. But you've hardly said anything, have you?

Robinson: Because my grandma actually does shit with her life! I'm more than happy to give up my own completely uninteresting and meaningless life for hers! I don't do anything! Now, can you please help me?

[Aeshma tilts her head and stares at Robinson.]

Robinson: What?

Aeshma: It's just… never mind. Now, your interests just so happen to align with mine somewhat. Just because I'm biding my time doesn't mean I wouldn't relish upsetting the Foundation. There would be at least a few angry souls if you succeeded.

Robinson: Great!

Aeshma: But of course, you would die in anger if you failed. And more importantly, I can't just give you what you need.

Robinson: And what is it I need?

Aeshma: A location, mainly. Where it's kept. If an anomalous item was lost to the Luxor, it would inevitably end up in containment at an SCP Foundation site. I could divine its location, but it would take work…

Robinson: So are you going to help me?

Aeshma: If you earn it, yes. Here in Vegas, there's only one way to regain what was lost through misfortune.

Robinson: And that would be?

Aeshma: Do you gamble, Bill?

[Aeshma guides Robinson and Broom to a poker table. A few demons are currently seated there, having just finished a hand.]

Aeshma: You're done.

[The demons quietly take their chips and flee the table. Aeshma and Robinson seat themselves on opposite ends.]

Aeshma: Now, in this game we'll be betting secrets. From me, the secret of the cupcakes' location, and for you, your goal to obtain them.

Robinson: But you already know that.

Aeshma: But when you lose your secret, you lose it for yourself as well. You'll have no idea what you're here for.

Robinson: I'll forget about the cupcakes?

Aeshma: Correct. Now—

[Aeshma snaps her fingers. Ten tokens appear in front of each of them.]

Aeshma: Do you know how to play poker?

Robinson: Yeah.

Aeshma: Good. We'll— Shit.

Robinson: What is it?

Aeshma: Don't look behind you. The Directors are approaching us.

[Broom turns. Two people are walking towards them: Director Yossarian Leiner of the Department of Tactical Theology, and Director Randall House of Site-666.5 The two of them are clearly approaching the table.]

Aeshma: Fate has other plans for us, Bill.

Robinson: Who are the Directors?

Aeshma: Not people to be trifled with. House runs the Luxor, and Leiner is a close associate of his. If they choose to play with us, the stakes will be far greater. If you lose to me, you'll have time before the Foundation discovers your secret. Time to hide, or if you're very lucky, time to find another way to get what you want. If you lose to them though, they'll learn immediately, and you'll be detained on the spot.

Robinson: Broom, you should hide somewhere.

Broom: Aye-aye, captain!

[Broom hops across the table then flies atop a nearby slot machine. House and Leiner reach the table.]

House: Aeshma!

[House and Leiner each take seats opposing each other, next to Robinson and Aeshma.]

Aeshma: Good to see you, Yossarian.

Leiner: You too, Aeshma.

Aeshma: House. What brings you here?

House: I finally got my fucking bonus so I'm here to lose all of it. Leiner's also here, he got new shoes and wanted to show everyone.

[Leiner holds one of his feet up, displaying a new black leather shoe.]

Robinson: That's a nice shoe.

House: It is! I got them for him as a thank you gift, for the thing he helped me with last week.

Leiner: We defeated the Lost Holies of the Between Worlds.

House: Yeah, it was hella fun, we both were pretty awesome.

Leiner: Very cinematic too. You could make a movie out of it.

House: Anyway, who's this guy? [Points to Robinson.]

Aeshma: Simply a lost and deceased soul here to make a deal with me.

[The two directors turn to Robinson.]

Leiner: Ouch, good luck with that.

House: Yeah, uh, sorry to hear. [Turns back to Aeshma.] How's biding your time going?

Aeshma: A day closer every day.

House: Cool! Mind if we join for your poker game?

Aeshma: I do mind.

House: Awesome! What are we betting?

Aeshma: Secrets, between myself and our friend here.

House: I have fifty thousand. And uh, Yoss doesn't usually gamble, but I'll put in fifty grand more for his tokens.

Leiner: Nice.

House: [Whispering to Robinson.] Careful against him by the way, he doesn't gamble but he kinda goes crazy, you know? [Laughs.]

Robinson: Ha, yeah…

[House and Leiner both put their chips on the table. Aeshma deals out the cards. Robinson takes a look at his hand. He starts quivering slightly. House puts in a single chip as a small blind, while Robinson puts down two.]

Leiner: Call.

Aeshma: I'll also call.

House: Me too.

[The flop is laid out: the queen of hearts, the four of diamonds, and the eight of diamonds.]

Robinson: Call.

Leiner: Raise!

[Leiner sets down three more chips.]

Aeshma: Call.

House: Call.

[Brief pause.]

Leiner: You good?

Robinson: Yeah. I'll… call.

[Bill puts down three chips. The turn is set down: the four of clubs.]

House: Hmm… call.

Bill: Me— Me too.

[Leiner drums his fingers on the table.]

Leiner: Call. Aeshma?

Aeshma: Call.

[The river is laid out: the four of hearts.]

Aeshma: Hm.

House: Ha! I'll raise that!

[Robinson is visibly sweating.]

Robinson: I— I'll call.

Leiner: Tsk. G'valt. I'm gonna fold this one.

Aeshma: I will call.

House: Read 'em and cry!

[House puts down his cards: the ace of hearts and the four of spades, giving him a four-of-a-kind. Leiner and Aeshma both groan. Robinson simply stares blankly at the table. A single tear rolls down his left cheek. House pats him on the shoulder.]

House: Tough luck, bud, but the House always wins. Now, if you'll excuse me—

Robinson: No.

House: Pardon?

Robinson: I'd like to play another hand.

House: I mean, shit, that's a hundred grand in just yours and the demon's, I'm not sure a dead man is good for that.

Robinson: Then I'll bet my soul.

[The other three table members stare at Robinson for a moment.]

House: Ha! Be serious, man.

[Robinson turns to Aeshma.]

Robinson: I'm not sure how much my soul is worth, but surely it's at least a hundred thousand, right?

Aeshma: Two hundred is the standard bet.

Robinson: Then I'll play it.

[Leiner passes his remaining tokens to House.]

Leiner: I'm out. I just play for fun, no soul-betting on my part.

House: Shit, I guess you're gonna do it. I'm in too, though I'll just play the tokens I got.

[Aeshma snaps her fingers, and a set of forty glowing chips appears in front of Robinson. She also pulls out some of her own chips.]

Aeshma: I'll play as well. I have the funds for it.

[House deals out the cards. Robinson puts down a single token and Aeshma puts down a pair.]

House: Call.

Robinson: Call.

Aeshma: Call.

[The flop goes out, showing a six of spades, a seven of spades, and a king of hearts.]

Aeshma: I'll raise.

[Aeshma puts in eight more chips.]

House: Call again. I like this one.

Robinson: I'll call too.

[The turn is next, adding a two of clubs to the table. Robinson's hand starts to shake.]

House: Nervous?

Robinson: C— Call.

Aeshma: Call. Remember, Bill.

House: Let's raise it again!

[House pushes forward another ten tokens. Robinson starts sweating even more profusely.]

Robinson: C— C— Call.

Aeshma: Call.

[The river goes out: a ten of spades.]

House: Yoss, what's the policy on taking souls?

Leiner: I don't think you can.

House: We'll figure it out. At any rate—

Robinson: All in.

[The table goes silent.]

Aeshma: Be careful, Bill. I'll fold.

House: What the hell, I'll go all in.

[House smirks and immediately reveals his hand, displaying a two and a three of spades.]

House: Tough luck, pal. I won't take your soul, not that mean, but you did bet your secrets, so— what?

[Robinson has revealed his hand, showing an eight and a nine of spades: a straight flush.]

House: Shit.

Leiner: [Laughs.] Damn, Randall.

Aeshma: Well played, Bill.

[House laughs and claps Robinson's back.]

House: Well played indeed! That's what, three hundred thousand? And Aeshma's secret, and all the stuff you bet? You love to see it, I think you'll do just fine here in Hell.

[Robinson breathes a sigh of relief.]

Robinson: I should get going.

Leiner: Me too. It's always a pleasure, Aeshma.

[Leiner shakes Aeshma's hand before standing up.]

Aeshma: Do take care, Yossarian.

House: Well, I've already lost my bonus. I guess I'll be headed out too. Might stop at the blackjack tables though.

Leiner: Randall.

House: Fine, whatever. Seriously though, Bill, nice going.

Robinson: Thanks. You guys have a good one.

[Robinson starts walking away when House grabs his shoulder.]

House: Hold it right there.

[Robinson goes pale. He slowly turns his head to House, who is looking at him sternly.]

House: [Smiles.] Chip exchange is the other way.

Robinson: Oh. Th— Thank you.

[Robinson exchanges his earnings before walking out. As he does, Broom flies over to him.]

Broom: That was so scary!

[Suddenly, Robinson falls to his knees.]

Robinson: Holy shit. I actually bet my soul. To the devil. What the fuck is wrong with me.

Aeshma: A demon, actually.

[Robinson looks up and sees Aeshma standing above him. She extends a hand, which Robinson takes. He stands up.]

Aeshma: House, the bastard. Stressful, arrogant, though not particularly cruel. Still, not the sort you want to lose a game to, even if he would have let you keep your soul. Leiner's a charming man, though. Still a bastard.

Robinson: I just— I'm in way over my head.

Aeshma: And yet you persevered. With my help, of course.

Robinson: Why are you helping me?

Aeshma: "Help" is a strong word, Bill. But I do enjoy any successful campaigns against the Foundation. They're angrier than you might think.

Robinson: But if you just wanted anger, aren't there more direct ways to get that?

[Aeshma turns and looks out at Undervegas.]

Aeshma: Do you feel anger when you look at your grandmother, Bill?

Robinson: No? Why would I be angry at my grandmother?

Aeshma: I didn't ask if you were angry at her. I asked if you feel anger regarding her.

[Robinson ponders for a minute.]

Robinson: Yeah. Yeah I do.

Aeshma: You see it? Your anger?

Robinson: I think so.

Aeshma: Good. Are you still determined to follow through with the plan you have set?

Robinson: I am.

Aeshma: And not a second of hesitation from you. Now, you should have gotten a slip of paper along with your earnings?

Robinson: Yeah. That'll tell us where the cupcakes are?

Aeshma: Indeed. You should be able to reach it with little difficulty. As for getting what you want from them… that's up to you. Do take care, Bill. And best of luck! I look forward to the angry souls you'll leave behind.

[Aeshma walks away.]

Broom: So what's the paper say?

[Robinson opens it up and reads it.]

Robinson: We're going to Canada?

Investigation Report 8228.1-6: Over the next week, Robinson spent his time making his journey to Canada and planning a way to infiltrate Site-43 with Broom.

[Robinson and Broom are in Robinson's car driving to Site-43; the time is 12:04 P.M. Robinson is wearing a dark suit and a lab coat.]

Broom: Welcome to Canada!

Robinson: We've been in Canada since two days ago.

Broom: Wow, time flies, doesn't it?

Robinson: Mhm.

[Long pause.]

Broom: Ah, I've forgotten. Where are we headed?

Robinson: Site-43, according to Aeshma.

Broom: Ah, yes. Beautiful place.

[Long pause.]

Robinson: Are you sure you want to come with me? Might be dangerous.

Broom: Danger is what I die for, Bill.

Robinson: Yeah, I just… you don't seem well. Your memory's getting a lot worse.

Broom: My memory?

Robinson: Yeah. You— You forget a lot of stuff.

Broom: I was unaware of this. Thank you, Bill, for letting me know!

Robinson: You remember my name, at least.

Broom: Of course! I would never forget the name of a dear friend.

[Pause.]

Broom: You've been very kind to me, Bill.

Robinson: I have?

Broom: For someone who does so many cool things, you're very nice.

Robinson: You don't owe me anything.

Broom: You're doing big, meaningful things! All I want is to be useful to you, Bill.

[The two are silent for almost half an hour. Eventually, they start approaching the front gate to Site-43.]

Robinson: Okay Broom, just meet me when I park. Maybe join a flock until then, okay? Just keep out of sight.

Broom: Yay!

[Broom flies out of the passenger seat window. A few moments later, Robinson arrives at the front gate. He's flagged down by Agent Mund and rolls down his window seat.]

Robinson: Please, please tell me this is Site-43.

Mund: What can I do for you, sir?

Robinson: Oh my god, finally. Listen, I just moved up to Canada from the States, and a friend of mine, Randall House? He and another guy, Leiner said they'd put in a good word for me to get a job with you guys up here. I'm just hoping to see someone for an interview.

Mund: Can I see some ID?

Robinson: Yeah, I'm Bill Robinson.

[Mund calls administration.]

Mund: Is Elstrom there?

Wettle: No, it's just Wettle. Elstrom called out sick, I'm taking over. On my day off too…

Mund: Sick again? Fucking hell… Right, we've got a guy, says he's here to apply for a job?

Wettle: Hold on, let me see…

[Brief pause.]

Wettle: I don't have anyone showing up, who recommended him?

Mund: A "Randall House," do you know him?

Wettle: Of fucking course he did, probably just didn't bother to call ahead. Just— just search his car for any explosives or shit then let him through, I'll get something set up. After I've had an aspirin I'll go yell at House too.

Mund: Got it. [Hangs up.] Alright sir, I'm just gonna conduct a quick search of your car and then we'll let you through.

[Mund goes into his guard post and comes out with a Mobile Universal Scanning Apparatus (MUPA). After turning it on, he goes around the car a few times before putting it away.]

Mund: You're good to go. Just head down this road, go into the parking lot, and the front entrance to the main building should be right there.

Robinson: Thank you so much, I've been driving since seven this morning trying to figure this out.

Mund: No problem, good luck with your interview.

[Robinson follows the directions and parks near the entrance. Broom flies down to meet him.]

Broom: So you gave that guard the slip, huh? The old one-two?

Robinson: Uh, sure.

[Robinson pulls out a rolling suitcase and makes his way inside. A pair of guards escort him to the elevator and take him down to Sublevel 3.]

Robinson: Now, the paper said the Safe and Neutralized wing, Unit 73… Oh, excuse me!

[Robinson approaches Doctor Riley Ng. They stop and turn to him.]

Ng: Oh hi! How can I help you and your uh, bird…?

[Robinson looks at his shoulder, realizing that Broom is still on his shoulder.]

Robinson: Oh, uh… we just came from the Luxor. New transfer here. He's just uh… kind of my sidekick, really.

Ng: Is that right? Well, he's certainly a cutie!

Broom: Oh you're just too nice!

Robinson: Anyway, we're actually looking for the Safe/Neutralized wing, can you—

Ng: Oh, just go back up the elevator! First sublevel, you'll just need level 2 clearance to get to that floor.

Robinson: Well, lucky I have that!

Ng: You have a good one, and welcome to Site-43!

Robinson: Ha, thanks! Okay Broom, I don't have security clearance level 2, how do we get some?

[Suddenly, Dr. William Wettle runs into the foyer. His hands are on fire.]

Wettle: Fuck, my hands are on fire!

Robinson: Oh my god, his hands are on fire!

[Robinson takes off his lab coat, runs over to Wettle, and uses it to smother the fire.]

Wettle: Goddammit… Thanks, at least, Mister…

Robinson: Robinson.

Wettle: Oh shit, you're the guy with the interview. Okay, just stay here in the foyer and… I'll grab someone for you, I guess. Oh hold on…

[Wettle tries to unwrap his hands, but to no avail. Robinson goes to help him, and as he does so, notices Wettle's Level 4 clearance card in his shirt pocket. As he unwraps Wettle's hands, he subtly attempts to pull the card out. As he does so, he stumbles slightly, falling into Wettle and tearing his shirt off.]

Wettle: Not again!

Robinson: Oh, sir, I'm so, so sorry!

Wettle: Dammit… it's not your fault, just… I'll take my shirt back.

Robinson: Oh, right.

[Robinson gives Wettle his shirt, but sneaks the card into his own pocket.]

Wettle: Anyway, I'll just… I'll get someone for you and then I'll… I'm gonna go— I'm gonna day drink or something. Who cares.

[Wettle walks away. After a moment, the other personnel in the foyer continue about their business.]

Robinson: Cool. Um. Right.

[Robinson walks to the elevator. He puts Wettle's card in and selects the button for Sublevel 1. A few moments later, the doors open and he steps out into the main Security and Containment Section of Site-43. Robinson looks at the sign hanging from the ceiling.]

Security & Containment

← Keter/Unregistered ←

↑ Euclid/Other ↑

→ Safe/Neutralized →

[Robinson makes his way to the Safe/Neutralized wing.]

Robinson: Seventy-three… seventy-three… Here we are.

[Robinson scans Wettle's card and opens Unit 73. Inside is a pedestal, upon which is SCP-8228.]

Robinson: Finally!

[Robinson begins putting SCP-8228 in his suitcase.]

Ibanez: Hey! What are you doing here?

[Robinson turns around just in time to see Chief Delfina Ibanez punch him in the face, knocking him out cold.]

Addendum 8228.1: Robinson was detained in the facility's minor security ward and kept overnight. Broom was likewise kept in the Safe wing, where his memory database was extracted and analyzed. The day after the break-in, Robinson was interrogated by Dr. Harold Blank.

[Robinson is handcuffed to a chair when Dr. Blank walks in, wearing work casual clothes with a badminton racket strapped to his back. He is closely followed by Dr. Wettle, whose beard is extremely poorly trimmed.]

Blank: Alright, let's get this over with. Mister… Bill Robinson, correct? Can I call you Bill?

[Robinson does not respond.]

Blank: Well, Bill. First of all, thank you for making my own job substantially easier with all the easily recoverable footage in your wake.

Wettle: I thought this was Elstrom's job?

Blank: I was going to a badminton game with some buddies, but she called out sick again.

Wettle: Oh, so that's why I'm here again today.

Blank: You're here because you're a fucking moron.

Robinson: Where's Broom?

Blank: Hm?

Robinson: Broom. Where is he?

Blank: I don't— Oh, the bird? In containment. I'm sure they're treating him well, he's made a very good first impression with the other staff. Now, as for you…

[Blank sets down a file and sits down.]

Blank: Normally I'd be impressed with how far you made it, except apparently taking advantage of Wettle is like beating a dog at chess.

Wettle: Can I go home.

Blank: No. Now, Bill. I'm not here to play the bad cop. I know why you did what you did, I'm not gonna guilt you over it. But I also can't pretend like we're allowed to let this slide.

Robinson: Are you going to kill me?

[Site-43 security reports a disturbance in Lake Huron. Chief Ibanez arrives at the source to investigate.]

Ibanez: Report.

Agent Alfred: Ma'am, there seems to be some kind of incident in the lake. The water level just… increased.

Ibanez: By how much?

Alfred: Less than an inch. Normally this wouldn't be a huge deal, but it was entirely spontaneous. Not an inch of rain anywhere near the lake, and it happened all at once.

Blank: Kill— No! Jesus Christ dude, I'm— We're not gonna kill you. We're gonna amnesticize you and send you on your way.

Robinson: Amnesticize?

Blank: Just wipe your memory of the last week or so.

[Robinson begins struggling against his handcuffs.]

Robinson: You son of a bitch! I'll—

Blank: What? Would you have preferred we kill you?

Ibanez: Have we scanned the lake itself? Any idea what caused this?

Alfred: None yet, ma'am, but—

[Alfred listens to his earpiece.]

Alfred: Ma'am, it appears a large structure has just appeared at the bottom of Lake Huron and is rapidly ascending.

[The water's surface begins bubbling.]

Robinson: Do you understand what I'm trying to do here?

Blank: I'm as old as your grandma, I more than understand what you're trying to do here! I'm sorry, but we can't just let you decide who gets to live forever!

Ibanez: Get reinforcements, now!

Alfred: Yes ma'am! Units six and seven, I need—!

[The structure breaches the surface, splashing water and mist into the air. When it clears, a dark blue cargo ship is visible, with the words "WEARY DOLPHIN" written along the hull. Multiple cannons and harpoon guns begin rising onto the deck.]

Blank: [Taps earpiece.] Can I get some general amnestics up in Cell F please?

[An immense explosion shakes the building, rocking the entire room and causing dust to drift from the ceiling. Blank falls and hits his head on the corner of the table. Wettle stumbles but catches himself.]

Wettle: Oh phew, I'm okay.

[The cell door suddenly opens, hitting Wettle and knocking him out. In walks Dylan from the Shark Punching Center, alongside several members of his crew. Behind him, a large tunnel has been bored into the wall.6 More crew members are running into the building.]

Robinson: Dylan?

Dylan: Bill! Glad we caught you!

[Dylan picks up Blank's keys and starts unlocking Robinson's cuffs.]

Robinson: How— How did—

Dylan: Broom called us! Handy little friend, he's already on his way up! Now come on lad, let's get going!

[Dylan steps onto the walkway and turns around to see Robinson hasn't moved.]

Dylan: Bill! Let's go!

Robinson: Go on ahead.

Dylan: What?

Robinson: I need to grab the cupcakes. That's all I'm here for anyway.

Dylan: You're lucky your brain's intact, man! You stay here, you're done for!

Robinson: It doesn't matter! If I go now, it'll all be for nothing!

[Robinson walks up to Dylan and looks him in the eye.]

Robinson: It's okay. You've already helped me, just get out now. I can do the rest of this myself.

[Robinson grabs Blank's clearance card. He begins running down the hall, passing by multiple guards who ignore him to deal with the intrusion. Suddenly, a series of tremors go through the building. Broom appears from around a corner and perches on his shoulder.]

Broom: Tally ho!

Robinson: Broom! How did you get here?

Broom: You drove me here, remember?

Robinson: No I mean— Never mind.

[Suddenly, a guard appears from around the corner.]

Guard: Stop right there!

[The guard holds up a gun, but a metal chair hits him in the face and he collapses. Robinson and Broom turn to see Dylan walking up behind them, with multiple Shark Punching Center members in his wake. The crew begin swarming the area, fighting Foundation personnel.]

Broom: Dylan!

Robinson: Dylan? I thought you were leaving!

Dylan: If you're stupid enough to stay here, might as well help you finish the job.

Robinson: Dylan— I don't— I might kiss you.

Dylan: No time for that! Where are we headed?

Robinson: Right! Once we get to the elevator, it's on the first sublevel!

[The two of them duck underneath a tentacled man slamming a Foundation agent into a wall repeatedly.]

Robinson: But it's dangerous! What if we can't escape?

Dylan: You're one of us now, Bill! We're not just gonna let you rot!

[Dylan punches a Foundation guard, then throws him in the way of two more guards, causing them to trip and fall. Another guard attempts to grab Robinson, but he punches him in the face.]

Robinson: Sorry!

[Dylan and Robinson reach the elevator. A guard starts running to them, but an old woman runs between them, opening her mouth impossibly wide and letting forth a torrent of water, sweeping the guard off his feet. Robinson inserts the card and selects Sublevel 1.]

Robinson: They're with the Safe objects, wing on the right.

[The elevator opens and the two of them run to the Safe/Neutralized wing. All of a sudden, an explosion emanates from the Keter/Unregistered wing. Several anomalies begin spilling out]

Dylan: Uh oh.

Robinson: Uh oh?

Dylan: Once you decided to stay, I gave the crew word to start blasting holes and picking fights, to give us time to get in here. Looks like someone managed to hit one of the less friendly wings.

[URA-9045-43, a bat-like creature, flies towards them, but Dylan and Robinson both punch it in the belly, causing it to keel over. Some guards begin filtering through the area, but are too concerned with the imminent containment breach to deal with the group.]

Dylan: Good news is, we probably won't have to deal with any more guards.

[URA-8994-43, a large man with three heads, sprints into Dylan. The left head starts biting his shoulder while the middle and right begin offering trivia.]

Middle Head: Did you know that the first-ever piano was actually—

Dylan: Go grab the cupcakes! I'll try and keep all this shit from following you!

Right Head: —and that's why black socks have become more popular nowadays!

[Robinson runs to Unit 73 and opens the door. A lone scientist is present, holding a suitcase. He turns to Robinson and screams.]

Robinson: Get out! And give me that suitcase!

[The scientist drops his suitcase and sprints away. Robinson picks it up and moves the cupcakes from SCP-8228 to it. He grabs SCP-8228 in his other hand.]

Blank: Going somewhere?

[Robinson turns around and sees Dr. Blank running at him, brandishing his badminton racket. Robinson dodges, but Blank continues to swing at him before striking him in the shoulder.]

Robinson: Ow!

[Blank takes advantage of the opening to hit him twice more, knocking him to the ground and spilling the cupcakes.]

Blank: Enough! Stand down.

[Robinson rises to his feet and hits him with the suitcase. Blank stumbles backwards, into the hallway.]

Blank: Ow!

[Blank regains his bearings, but before he can retaliate, URA-9127-43, a panther with a laser cannon in place of a head, tackles him. The pair slide a little ways down the hall before stopping, with Blank completely pinned by the arms. URA-9127-43's cannon begins charging.]

URA-9127-43: Beginning primary weapon charge.

Blank: Fuck!

[Robinson runs out the door, taking a look at the pair before beginning to run away. Suddenly, he stops. Robinson stares ahead for a moment before turning around and sprinting towards Blank.]

URA-9127-43: Five… four… three… two… one…

[Robinson smacks URA-9127-43's cannon right before it finishes charging, causing it to miss Blank. The recoil launches it back, knocking the entity into the wall. Blank lies down, breathing heavily.]

Blank: Thanks.

[Robinson hits Blank in the head with the suitcase, knocking him out once more. He turns and runs back to the elevators. He encounters Broom and Dylan, who quickly follow suit.]

Broom: Yippee! Just like Canada!

Robinson: I got the cupcakes! How are we looking?

Dylan: They're not stupid, we just caught them off-guard. We only have a few minutes before they get their bearings.

Robinson: Then let's head out!

[Robinson, Dylan, and Broom make their way to the Shark Punching Center's ship. As they do, their crew members follow suit. Once everyone has reached the ship, it begins sinking into Lake Huron before disappearing.]

Addendum 8228.2: That evening, the Shark Punching Center deposited Robinson in Pennsylvania, where he and Broom first deposited SCP-8228 (save for one cupcake) at the Philadelphia MC&D outlet before going to the Martin Luther Nursing Home. Video footage7 captured his arrival.

[Robinson walks into his grandmother's living room with Broom perched on his shoulder. Maria Robinson is seated in a chair, watching the news. She turns to Robinson and smiles, turning off the television.]

Maria: Oh, Bill, I wasn't expecting you today! [Notices Broom.] And… oh… who's your… friend, here?

Broom: I'm Broom! I'm a pigeon!

Maria: Why, hello, Broom. Dear, what have you been doing this past week?

Robinson: I'll explain it in a bit, grandma. But right now, I have something for you.

[Robinson opens the suitcase and pulls out one of the cupcakes.]

Robinson: For a while now, I've been thinking, you've just done so much for the world and lived such a great life, and I haven't really done any of that, and—

Maria: Dear…

Robinson: And seeing you like this, where nobody else cares about you and you're getting old and it's just not fair, so I started trying to find ways to help you and I found this and… well, it'll make you young again.

[Robinson holds out the cupcake. A long silence passes.]

Maria: This… cupcake… it makes me young?

Robinson: Yeah. It'll heal you, grandma. And… you'll get to live again.

Maria: Is there a catch?

[Robinson is silent.]

Maria: Bill. Answer me.

[Tears begin falling from Robinson's eyes.]

Robinson: It… I'll die. I can't lie to you grandma. But listen, you have so much to live for! You can continue being amazing! I've had a lot of time to think about it, grandma, and I don't have a life worth living, I'm not suicidal, but if I can give up my life for yours, I should—

Maria: Tell me what happened.

Robinson: Huh?

Maria: How you got this. What you did.

Robinson: I'm… I'm not sure we have time for that.

Maria: We have all the time in the world, Bill. Tell me a story.

[Brief pause.]

Robinson: I mean… I guess it started at work. I decided to look up some stuff, see if…

[Robinson recounts the story of how he came to obtain SCP-8228, including the fantastical elements. Broom occasionally pitches in to offer commentary or additional details, though his recollection of the events is inconsistent.]

Robinson: …and then we came out of the water, and I rented a car and drove here.

[Maria Robinson smiles at her grandson.]

Maria: What a story.

Robinson: I'm not sure if the Foundation is close behind or not, but you should probably eat them now, they might be here soon.

[Maria holds the cupcake in her hand, gazing at it.]

Maria: You're right, Bill.

Robinson: I am?

Maria: Oh yes. Your life… maybe I could do more with those extra years.

Robinson: Yeah, you could.

Maria: Your life being worth the same… I'm just not sure that's true anymore.

[Robinson is silent.]

Maria: In fact, it sounds like you haven't done anything interesting at all.

[Long pause.]

Robinson: Wait a minute. Are— are you making fun of me?

[Maria bursts out laughing. After a few moments, she starts interspersing it with coughs, but she is still extremely amused.]

Maria: Of course I'm making fun of you, Bill. You've just described the most fantastical adventure I've heard in my many long years of living, and were it not for the fact that you are my beloved grandson who I trust very much, I wouldn't have believed it.

Robinson: Yeah but, even so…

Maria: And all the friends you've made along the way! I knew my grandson was a charmer, but to think the impression you've made!

Robinson: I didn't—

Maria: Don't be stupid, Bill. That Dylan fellow would be dead if not for you. So would that shithead lab coat. And your little companion here…

[Maria pets Broom's back.]

Maria: …I think he'd agree you've helped him a great deal.

Broom: I'm just glad I could be of use up in Alaska.

Robinson: Broom, I didn't just care about you because you're useful. You're a good bird, and…

[Robinson goes silent for a minute.]

Maria: Now do you see?

Robinson: I think so.

Maria: Good.

Robinson: Still… have I only just started living?

Maria: We live every day, Bill. It just took you a while to realize that. Being kind in a selfish world, and having fun in a dreary time.

[Robinson is silent for several minutes.]

Maria: Now, you look like you've been through Hell — which you have — and I think you need some time to rest and think. Go! Get some rest, have a drink, whatever. And if those Foundation people come by, I'll make sure to chew them out for you.

Addendum 8228.3: Following the above log, Robinson went to a local bar, where he remained for a few hours.

[Robinson is sitting alone in a booth, staring at the bottle in his hand. Despite having been in the bar for multiple hours, his drink is still mostly full.]

Blank: Room for one more?

[Robinson looks up and sees Dr. Harold Blank standing by him. He takes a seat opposite Robinson and sighs.]

Robinson: You're a long way from Canada.

Blank: You know Pennsylvania and Canada border each other, right? 43's barely a state away from Philadelphia.

Robinson: Mm.

[Robinson takes a sip from his drink.]

Robinson: Here to arrest me or amnesia me or whatever?

Blank: Maybe.

[The two sit in silence.]

Blank: How's your bird friend… Broom?

Broom: I'm right here!

[Broom peeks out from underneath Robinson's suit coat and waves a wing.]

Robinson: If you're not here to arrest me, then what?

Blank: Never said what I'm here for. Just wanted to chat for right now.

[The two are silent for several minutes.]

Robinson: My grandma didn't take the cupcake.

Blank: Seems that way. All that work and effort, I think most people would say you did it all for nothing.

[Blank tilts his head slightly and stares at Robinson.]

Blank: But what do you think?

[Robinson stares down at the table.]

Robinson: I don't think it was.

Blank: Hm.

[The two go silent again. Broom tucks himself into Robinson's jacket, seemingly falling asleep.]

Robinson: So are you… you know.

Blank: Punishing you?

Robinson: Yeah.

Blank: [Shrugs.] On the one hand, you're not gonna go after the cupcakes again, so you're not a liability anymore.

Robinson: Mm.

Blank: Of course, there's also the damage you caused on the way out. Not to mention that you know too much now. Oh yeah, and we'll have to deal with more of MC&D's bullshit.

Robinson: I imagine things aren't looking too good for me.

Blank: Depends.

Robinson: On what?

Blank: On whether or not I'm here to take you.

Robinson: Is there a chance I've softened an old man's heart?

Blank: Saving his life might do it.

[The two go silent.]

Robinson: You mind if I use the bathroom?

Blank: Depends on if you plan on coming back.

[Robinson stands up and adjusts his tie.]

Blank: I've got an MTF stationed just outside, you know. I could have this place surrounded and you captured at a moment's notice. You gonna tell me why I shouldn't have them barge in here and take you away?

Robinson: No. I mean, you probably should. But have I been nice enough to earn a quick break before you take me?

Blank: Guess you have. So long as you're back here within the next ten minutes.

Robinson: I think either way, I'll be seeing you again.

[Robinson walks to the bathroom. Blank looks at Robinson's beer, then picks it up and drinks it all.]

Ten minutes after the above log concluded, Dr. Blank ordered MTF Theta-28 to surround the building and detain Bill Robinson. However, he had apparently managed to escape through a bathroom window prior to the infiltration.

Foundation personnel entered Maria Robinson's home and, aside from her insistence upon lecturing the agents on their attitudes and behavior, were able to safely retrieve the cupcake there. The remainder of SCP-8228 are in MC&D's possession; an operation to recover them is currently being drafted.

Bill Robinson's current whereabouts are unknown.

Footnotes

1. Women Airforce Service Pilots.

2. Bumblebee has been known to occasionally interact with anomalous entities, much like most large-scale non-anomalous companies, but likewise is not considered a threat to normalcy.

3. May be related to SCP-1678-B, though the correlation is unknown.

4. Likely an Avarice-class demon.

5. The Luxor.

6. Later investigation showed that the Shark Punching Center had fired anomalous Sudden Activation Drill missiles, a type of Foundation-developed missile which drills into the ground before detonating upon reaching its target. How the Center acquired these is unknown.

7. Following the initial incident at Site-43, Site-98 in Philadelphia was notified, and they were able to discreetly set up surveillance equipment around Maria Robinson's home, in case she had any additional involvement with the anomalous circumstances of Robinson's journey.

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— SCP Articles —

SCP-8421 — Ruler of Everything

SCP-8228 — Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson

SCP-7178 — A Thief In The Night

SCP-7179 — E is for Eternity

SCP-6469-D — A BABY?????

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SCP-6156 — Oh, Doug!

SCP-6579-D — The Detective Killer

SCP-6900-D — The House of Stars

SCP-5277 — What Can Go Wrong

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SCP-3482 — fine mayor posters campaign by dado

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Director Bold's Proposal-J — "Guys, please don't read our SCPs 🥺"

SCP-2693 — Fell Into The Well, Fell Into The Well, Fell Into The Deep Dark Well

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Happy Father's Day

Mission: Decommission

A Bold Choice

I Am Become Death

Ulysses B. Donkman and the Heinous Hitman

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Eldritch

Chapter One - The End

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Manifest 476: Vanishing Galleon

The Book Of Mathisi, Chapter 1: The Parable Of The Three Princes

LTE-8686-Yellow-Kewpie

UIU File: 2001-023

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Customizable ACS Add-On Ver. 1.8.0 Guide

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— Co-Authored —

Taste The Rainbow (feat. Luxaiko)

Abraka David's Proposal — A Peak Behind the Curtain (feat. many other authors)

SCP-7400 — Your Honor, League of Legends (feat. Sherf)

I, Hub (feat. many other authors)

Resurrection: New Faces (feat. Grigori Karpin, Nagiros, and redredred)

SCP-5545 — 𝙰 𝙱 𝙽 𝙾 𝚁 𝙼 𝙰 𝙻 𝙸 𝚃 𝚈 (feat. Yossipossi)

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SCP-LA-II — Fruit

Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson