One of SCP-700-J's predictions.

Item #: SCP-700-J

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: A sample of SCP-700-J is to be opened daily by a specialized containment squad with extremely high mental fortitude, in the hopes that it will produce any remotely useful information. Staff are advised to not get their hopes up.

Description: SCP-700-J is a plastic bag containing a seemingly unending amount of fortune cookies.1 These fortune cookies are entirely mundane and are safe for human consumption. SCP-700-J’s primary anomalous properties are within the slips of paper contained within these fortune cookies. The information described on SCP-700-J’s slips of paper provide 100% accurate descriptions of events in the future. Unfortunately, all of this information is utterly useless and serves absolutely no purpose to any breathing human on the planet. Examples of SCP-700-J instances include:

“You will buy a new pair of pants.”

“You will be hungry again in one hour.”

“There will be a containment breach at some point.”

“Upon the next conjugation of Jupiter and Saturn, John Wilson will have a cold glass of orange juice.”

“This fortune cookie will taste about the same as all the other ones.”

“There will be light rain in Chicago on 08/07/2325.”2

A poll in [REDACTED] confirmed that out of 1,283 staff members surveyed, 98.68% rated the fortune cookies produced by SCP-700-J as “Okay, I guess” or lower. As a result of this and of SCP-700-J’s truly pointless fortunes, using SCP-700-J to cure world hunger has been denied by the O5 Council.

Further testing on SCP-700-J is permitted, but is unlikely to lead to anything interesting.

Footnotes

1. No, holding the bag upside down does not work.

2. Awaiting confirmation.