Item #: SCP-8385

Object Class: Neutralized

Special Containment Procedures: The Foundation is to fulfill all outstanding European Union flight compensation claims as per EU-Regulation 261/2004.1 SCP-8385’s customer service hotline is to connect to the Foundation’s legal department.

Due to the memetic nature of SCP-8385, further post-neutralization containment procedures have not been deemed necessary.

Description: SCP-8385 refers to the Germany based airline “AirDodo” founded and run by sapient dodos (Raphus cucullatus) in 2024. Beyond its sudden appearance and acceptance in baseline reality, the exact mechanics of its operations are still poorly understood. SCP-8385 conducted passenger travel within the "Schengen Area" of the European Union, with most of its flights originating from Cologne-Bonn airport (CGN). SCP-8385 has yet to complete a flight.

According to its website, SCP-8385's fleet at its inception consisted of "five light aircraft and one midsize aircraft."

Discovery: SCP-8385 was discovered, when Senior Researcher Dr. Gusteau was on leisure travel. As Dr. Gusteau had reached his gate, the anomalous nature of the airline was discovered, and the first encounter with an employee of SCP-8385 was filmed with Dr. Gusteau's phone.

[BEGIN RECORDING]

Dr. Gusteau can be seen fidgeting with the camera before pointing it forward at the customer service desk. No employee can be seen at this time. Dr. Gusteau scoffs and heads towards the counter, extending his arms beyond the desk to allow the camera's view to reach beyond the podium.

Dr. Gusteau: And there you have it. A living, breathing dodo. Somehow stuck at this random airport counter.

SCP-8385-1: Sir! Sir! I'd prefer if you didn- didn't film me. I didn't give you permission, and you're violating my privacy right now, and you're- you're confiscating airport security by filming me at this point.

A random voice can be heard from the distance.

Unknown Woman: I think you mean compromising.

SCP-8385-1: Yes. Yes. Compromising, that's it. You're compromising airport security, so please stop filming now. We wish to board you onto this aircraft, and if you continue to film, we aren't able to proceed. You- you are delaying everyone's travel, Sir!

Dr. Gusteau pulls the phone back and walks to the side of the counter, allowing SCP-8385-1 to come into full view of the camera. It is seen wearing a pinstripe uniform, alongside a pilot's cap.

Dr. Gusteau: I will not stop filming, actually. Does no one else here find it strange that there is an extinct bird running this counter? Nevertheless the fact that it is currently talking to all of us?

A light cough can be heard before another voice shouts from the distance.

Unknown Man: Come oooon, get a move on up there. We've all got places to be!

Unknown Man: Yeah, stop harassing the crew gramps! Boarding's already like 20 minutes late; I'm gonna miss my connection at this rate.

Dr. Gusteau's camera quickly pans over to the crowd queuing behind him. The camera lightly shaking

Dr. Gusteau: None of you find this strange? Let me reiterate, there is a Dod-

Unknown Man: Oooh, AirDodo must be run by dodos. What's next, Condor is run by condors?

A man steps outside of the queue and stares directly at Dr. Gusteau, arms placed firmly on his hips.

Unknown Man: You know what's really strange? Holding up everyone's travel while on a psychotic episode, that's what!

Cheers and murmurs can be heard from the queue, with one passenger clapping just before Dr. Gusteau runs to the windows facing the tarmac. The camera points at the airplane bridge, which is connecting to seemingly nothing. A zoom reveals a dodo fluttering in place.

Dr. Gusteau: Look outside the window, people! Do you see a plane? Do you see us going anywhere with this? I am not holding up anything, we're not going anywhere. This thing isn’t getting us anywhere.

The crowd simultaneously shuffles to the left, before quickly returning to their spot. All of them rubbernecking around one another, staring blankly past Dr. Gusteau.

Unknown Woman: Never seen an aircraft before? Scared of flying or?

Unknown Man: Are you okay!? Can someone call security on this clown…

SCP-8385-1: No. No. No one has to call security, we can get on our way any minute de- dear passengers. Anyone who doesn't appear cranky, or is wearing a lab coat, or is yelling at me, may now board the aircraft. I ap- apologize for the delay, nutcases aren't typically complimentary with the flight.

The crowd chuckles.

SCP-8385-1: Regardless, AirDodo wishes safe travels!

Dr. Gusteau: Un-fucking-believable.

[END RECORDING]

Dr. Gusteau called in Foundation assistance, which ordered the grounding of the aircraft, along with dispersing and accommodating passengers onto alternative flights.

Addendum SCP-8385-A: Meeting with AirDodo’s CEO

The following footage was obtained following Dr. Gusteau asking for SCP-8385-1 to take him to management. SCP-8385-1 hesitated at first, but through repeated pressure, it eventually caved.

[BEGIN RECORDING]

SCP-8385-1: Uhm, so- so the bosses office on the left here. Please, please please put in a good word for me, than- thank you.

Dr. Gusteau knocks on the door twice. A voice emanates from the inside.

Unknown Voice: Argh, who the fuck is it now. One moment of quiet, just for one day, please. I beg you Lord.

The door cracks open, revealing a chubby dodo dressed in a navy suit staring up at Dr. Gusteau.

SCP-8385-2: ARGH! Hello! Come inside, quick!

Dr. Gusteau enters the room, it is mostly barren, with single dockets scattered across the floor.

Dr. Gusteau: Please, please, please tell me you're in charge here?

SCP-8385-2: Why, unfortunately, I am, yes! Name's Craig. At least that's what was imprinted on this nametag that was sat so neatly on my desk. What can I do for you?

Dr. Gusteau: Thank God! Originally I was headed to Paris, but I doubt that's happening now.

SCP-8385-2: Ooh? Why wouldn't that be happening? Our proud fleet is more than prepared to take you to new heights, to new lands, to places a dodo has yet to tread! Thaaaaat's the AirDodo motto!

Dr. Gusteau: The flight's canned. You don't know about that?

SCP-8385-2: Canned? CANNED? Are these morons aware of how much money we're burning by the minute. One second, please.

SCP-8385-2 can be seen hammering its beak into the dial of the telephone dangling over the edge of the desk. Individual keys soar out and land besides Dr. Gusteau's shoes, laying with the many others sprinkled around it.

SCP-8385-2: What the fuck are you morons doing down there? I've got a passenger telling me his flight's canned. CANNED! You heard me right, not delayed, not transferred, CANNED! Heads will roll if you do not tell me what is happening RIGHT NOW.

The voice on the line can barely be made out. Before one word is spoken, the next is already heard. SCP-8385-2 paces back and forth.

SCP-8385-2: Hmm. Mmm. Hmph! Right. Right. Okay, love you too, dear. Yes, mwah mwah.

SCP-8385-2 gently puts the phone back down. Before staring back up at Dr. Gusteau.

SCP-8385-2: So! That was my lovely, lovely wife heading the legal and DR department. Unluckily for you, the whole flight's cann-

Dr. Gusteau: Canned. That's what I just told you.

SCP-8385-2: Yes. Unfortunately, some morons swept through here and grounded all my aircraft. Here, have five euros for the vending machine outside Terminal B and be on your way. Shoo! Shoo! I've got work to do. Dodos don’t fly themselves now do they?

Dr. Gusteau: Five euros? That's the best you can do? You can my flight and I get five bucks? I am trying to get to Paris here. I get like five days off all year, don't want to spend half of one arguing with a fucking bird.

SCP-8385-2: Yes, yes. Five euros for free, and not even an argument! They were scrunched up beneath this seat cushion. Good heavens that, because dodo coin isn't much good to you now, is it?

Dr. Gusteau: Dodo coin?

SCP-8385-2: Yes, yes. Dodo coin! It pays our rent, not much of it, but it does keep us going. Now, if you'll excuse me, the canned flight does put my, and everybody else's lives, in jeopardy here, so if I could just scoot you out with me.

Dr. Gusteau: You pay rent? It looks like you've been living out of this office. I doubt you pay re- I doubt anyone even takes dodo coin. Who even rents to a dodo?

SCP-8385-2: Not important. Time is money, buh-bye.

SCP-8385-2 hurries past Dr. Gusteau and slams the door shut behind it, with Dr. Gusteau giving pursuit.

[END RECORDING]

Addendum SCP-8385-B: Confiscated Memo

To whom it may concern,

you may have heard rumors around the office that our first flights were cancelled. Threat not, my gentledodos, this is a minor setback at best! We hope you understand that while managing this horrible time, that dodo coins are not to be paid out to employees. However, we believe your work to be invaluable to our airline, and as a token of our appreciation, we have installed a water fountain in the east corridor of Terminal B.2 Its use is free of charge, so wet those beaks and get back to work.

Legal and Dodo Resources Department Chairwoman

Linda Woods

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a dodo should be able to fly. But AirDodo flies anyways!

Addendum SCP-8385-C: Pursuit of SCP-8385-2

[BEGIN RECORDING]

Dr. Gusteau is heard panting as he turns the corner and finds SCP-8385-2 leaning into a slightly ajar door.

Dr. Gusteau: Sto- Stop right there. No us- no use in running anymore.

Dr. Gusteau pushes the door wide open, startling SCP-8385-2 as it falls over on its side. As SCP-8385-2 regains its balance, the camera reveals a herd of dodos scrambling around a room filled with tech. Various dodos appear to be talking on the phone, while others hammer their beaks into monitors, keyboards, and mice. One by one, individual dodos vanish, leaving nothing in their place.

Dr. Gusteau: What the fuck is going on in here?

SCP-8385-2: Ramirez, pack your bags and get out of here. There's no coin left for you. Shoo, shoo!

SCP-8385-3: But sir, I've got kids to feed. They've just hatched yesterday, you can’t do this. You cann-

SCP-8385-3 is seen rushing towards SCP-8385-2 before disappearing, a coffee mug dropping and shattering onto the floor.

SCP-8385-2: Ah hell.

Dr. Gusteau: Do you mind explaining for just one minute what is going on?

SCP-8385-2: No time. No time at all. Time is money, and money makes our world go round. I've got more important matters to attend to than one passenger with, let me check the file, oh wait, I don't have to, because you're not in the files, are you? You have no status. Shoo out of here already.

Dr. Gusteau: Listen to me, if you tell us what is actually happening, maybe we can help you and you can get me on the way to Paris? You can then get back to running whatever the hell this is.

SCP-8385-2: No handouts please, thank you very much. We run a business here, we're not some charity. Take your money, grab some peanuts, and wait for your next flight. No time for you at all I'm afraid. No. No time at all.

Dr. Gusteau grabs SCP-8385-2 and pushes the five euro bill through its beak.

Dr. Gusteau: I do not care about the money. Just tell me what kind of a business you're running here. None of this is normal.

SCP-8385-2: Pfft, very well. Never seen an airline before? Let me dumb it down for you: we have aircraft, we fly people places, they pay us, we live on. Simple deal.

Dr. Gusteau: Airlines yes. Dodos? Less so. Dodos running airlines? Never. We thought you were extinct.

SCP-8385-2: Indeed we were. Yes, yes. And if you're not going to step out of my way, history is doomed to repeat itself. LINDA! How are we looking on staff?

SCP-8385-4: Honey, we're down to about eight. Passengers won’t stop hounding us about their compensation. We've gotta downsize. Downsize!

SCP-8385-2: Ugh, ungrateful little pricks. Make the appropriate cuts then, my love. Really, beyond our aircraft, we could run this ship-, erm, airline, ourselves.

SCP-8385-4: I’ve already cut what I can. We are swamped. I am not sure how we are gonna pay all of this out.

SCP-8385-2: Sell, sell, sell, that’s the AirDodo motto… Tickets! Lots and lots of tickets! Promise new flights, new heights, continental, international, whatever it takes to get butts in seats. So, let’s get crack-

Dr. Gusteau: Flights, that’s a good keyword for a segue. I need to get to Paris.

SCP-8385-2: Ugh, you’re still here? Can’t you see we’re in the middle of something here? Go talk to someone at the service counter, and they’ll figure it out, just leave me alone.

SCP-8385-4: We don’t have a service counter anymore, dear. We have me, you and one aircraft which is in need of maintenance.

SCP-8385-2: We just got it pushed through maintenance, what does he need now?

SCP-8385-4: Well, it’s more legal maintenance, I suppose, he demands higher pay.

SCP-8385-2: He hasn’t even flown once!? What does he want more pay for, I am bust-

SCP-8385-4: We.

SCP-8385-2: But of course, dear. We are busting our asses trying to keep this company afloat, and my own aircraft are sinking this ship. It’s okay, we will right this wrong and we will get back to operations, let’s get back to w-

SCP-8385-2 and SCP-8385-4 suddenly vanish. Dr. Gusteau sighs heavily before taking a look at the monitor that SCP-8385-4 was working from.

Dr. Gusteau: 75 passenger compensation claims, and… they have served just one, and given me five euros. Which Craig now has, fuck me, what a service.

The phone rings and Dr. Gusteau reluctantly answers.

Dr. Gusteau: AirDodo, how may we fuck up your flight today?

Unknown Caller: Oh thank God! Finally a human on the line, I thought I was going mad for a second there. My flight was cancelled, and I want just compensa-

Dr. Gusteau: Get in line, pal.

Dr. Gusteau smashes the telephone down, just as the next immediately begins to ring.

[END RECORDING]

Dr. Gusteau rerouted all incoming calls to a Foundation operated hotline, which spent the next 21 hours servicing compensation requests from passengers.

Footnotes

1. All passengers of cancelled flights are entitled to a fixed sum of compensation.

2. The water fountain has been installed in Terminal B since 1998.