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SCP-314-J: Numerical Proofs That You Suck

Author: weizhong

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Item #: SCP-314-J

Object Class: Safe, but kind of an asshole.

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-314-J is to be stored in a standard anomalous item containment locker. Researchers who are big babies1 are not allowed to conduct research with the item.

Description: SCP-314-J is an anomalous mathematical textbook entitled "Numerical Proofs (That You Suck)". Individuals who open the textbook are greeted with a blank page that begins to populate itself with a series of mathematical proofs, diagrams, flow-charts, bar-charts, pie-charts, and cake-charts that culminate with a logically consistent rationale for why each individual is a terrible person. This invariably results in said individual not being able to be chill about this.2

Experiment Log SCP-314-J: The following is a log of various tests involving different personnel and SCP-314-J.

Individual: Researcher Zhang Wen

Result: SCP-314-J flipped open to a page with a hypothetical proof with unknown variables. When Researcher Zhang finished working out the proof to confirm that the two compound matrices A and B were in fact identical, the book flipped open to the next page to reveal that A = "Your Mom" and B = "Dumber Than a Sack of Bricks."

Notes: "My mom's dead, man. What the hell." -Researcher Zhang Wen.

Individual: Agent Stephen Adams

Result: When Agent Adams opened the book, a single line proof by intimidation appeared: "The proof of why Agent Adams sucks is trivial, and left as an exercise for beginning students."

Notes: "Where the FUCK do you get off you little shit? Square up, I'm about to-" -Agent Stephen Adams to SCP-314-J, prior to being physically restrained and dragged out of the testing chamber.

Individual: Researcher James, Age 11

Result: SCP-314-J opens to a random page, showing the following equation: "1 + 1 = ur a lil' bitch."

Notes: Researcher James was officially consoled with a juice box and a promise to take him to McDonalds after work.

Individual: Junior Researcher Riemann

Result: SCP-314-J opened to a complex mathematical proof about sets or something. Junior Researcher Riemann was heard to exclaim "Finally! Something that appreciates my work!" Following 3 weeks of work on the proof, Junior Researcher Riemann went into the testing chamber, only to run out 3 minutes later, in tears.

Notes: Junior Researcher Riemann officially reprimanded and told to grow up. Jesus, I thought you liked math shit?

Footnotes

1. I'm looking at you, Kyle.

2. Seriously, Kyle, it's just a textbook.