Item #: SCP-013-J

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: The Northern region of the Forest of █████████, where SCP-013-J is known to manifest, has been registered as a protected wildlife preserve, and fenced off and labelled accordingly. Foundation agents posing as forest rangers are on hand to deter trespassers. A platform, equipped with recording and transmitting equipment, is in place, directly overlooking the space SCP-013-J occupies when manifested.

SCP-013-J is to be approached by a Foundation field agent on a weekly basis, and the exchange is to be remotely observed and directed by at least one member of the 05 Council. Unless contradicted by the 05 Council member(s) in question, all of SCP-013-J's demands and suggestions are to be met as soon as possible.

Description: SCP-013-J is an instance of Sepia officinalis (common cuttlefish). Unlike its non-anomalous counterparts, SCP-013-J is seventeen meters in length, hovers in the air, while moving as an instance would while underwater, and speaks with a loud, high-pitched, echoing voice by unknown means, in addition, a bright, golden light radiates, seemingly from within SCP-013-J.

SCP-013-J regularly refers to itself as "The Cuttlefish of Ultimate Wisdom", and requires others to, before it will interact with them. SCP-013-J claims to be sensitive to future events, and will share possible means of preventing upcoming disasters, while often refusing to relinquish details of the disasters themselves.

SCP-013-J speaks with an overly-dramatic voice and often utilizes alternations in volume, pauses and extended vowel sounds for dramatic emphasis. Foundation staff who have been deemed quick to anger are not to approach SCP-013-J.

Below are the most recent recorded interactions with SCP-013-J.

SCP-013-J Incident 1739B

SCP-013-J Incident 1739B

Date: ██/██/████

Agent Archer: SCP-013…

SCP-013-J: The Cuttlefish of ULTIMATE wisdom!

Agent Archer: Cuttlefish… of Ultimate Wisdom…

SCP-013-J: Speak, mortal!

Agent Archer: I've come to ask if you have any information regarding potential disasters in the future.

SCP-013-J: Be warned! Be waaarned! Heed the Cuttlefish of Ultimate Wisdom! Disaster loooooms! Unless the president of ████████████ makes tomorrow's commute on a pogo stick, society shall fall! Death shall hail from the sky! DEATH!

Agent Archer: A… a pogo stick?

SCP-013-J: A POGO STICK! (A bolt of lightning strikes in the distance)

Agent Archer: Is there any… other way we can…

SCP-013-J: THE CUTTLEFISH HAS SPOKEN!

(SCP-013-J dematerializes with a bright flash of light)

Outcome: A social media campaign was launched, detailing how President ██████████ would be travelling to work on a pogo stick to raise awareness of depression. The president himself was compelled to comply with SCP-013-J's demand by the use of drug-induced hypnosis. During the president's commute, a multi-car collision claimed the lives of █ of ████████████'s citizens. It was calculated that the president would also have been affected by the incident. It is unknown if SCP-013-J knew the exact nature of the incident, and could have easily provided a less conspicuous deterrent.

SCP-013-J Incident 1740B

SCP-013-J Incident 1740B

Date: ██/██/████

SCP-013-J: Step forwards Timothy!

Agent Black: My name is Lesley…

SCP-013-J: What can the Cuttlefish of UUULTIMATE WIIIISDOM assist you with on this fine evening?

Agent Black: It's… 11AM, but anyway, I've come for a report on future events.

SCP-013-J: DEEEAAATH!

Agent Black: (After waiting several seconds for SCP-013-J to continue) Erm…

SCP-013-J: DEATH RACES FOR US IN ATTRACTIVE YET FUNCTIONAL FOOTWEAR! And unless Foundation Commander ███████ greets all whom she interacts with, with her warmest of hugs, IT SHALL COME FOR HER!

Agent Black: Yeah… I've met Commander ███████, I think in her entire life, she's gouged more people's eyeballs out with her bare hands, than hugged…

SCP-013-J: Hugs are all that will spare her soul!

Agent Black: Really? It has to be hugs? Because after last time, it seems like…

SCP-013-J: HUUU… (SCP-013-J continues to make a "U" sound, getting steadily quieter as it fades from sight, completing the word "hugs" seconds after disappearing entirely.)

Outcome: At the express order of three 05 Council Members, Commander ███████ agreed to take the measures SCP-013-J recommended, to prevent her imminent death. Five days after SCP-013-J's prediction, Commander ███████ was deploying a squadron of agents to contain SCP-████, by reluctantly hugging each of them in turn, when one agent tearfully conceded how much he had needed a hug. The agent went on to confess to being an undercover agent of the Chaos Insurgency, and had been instructed to sabotage the mission, taking the lives of all agents present, including Commander ███████. Moved by Commander ███████'s display of affection, the Agent vowed to reconsider his life choices. Commander ███████ responded by executing him where he stood.

SCP-013-J Incident 1741B

SCP-013-J Incident 1741B

Date: ██/██/████

Agent Harris: Cuttlefish of…

SCP-013-J: BEHOLD, FROM ABOVE! (A beam of golden light descends from above the space directly between SCP-013-J and Agent Harris, and a three-layer, Victoria Sponge Cake on a plate slowly descends to the platform.)

Agent Harris: It's… a cake.

SCP-013-J: The fondest of wishes for your birthday, Agent Patsy!

Agent Harris: My… birthday is in July… also it's Harris.

SCP-013-J: And yet in my home dimension, precisely three years and four hours have passed since the moment of your birth!

Agent Harris: Huh… how about that? I actually needed to ask you about future…

SCP-013-J: FEAST ON CAKE OR DOOM SHALL COME FOR US ALL!

Agent Harris: Wait, seriously? The cake is the thing?

SCP-013-J: CONSUUUME THE CAKE!

(At the approval of the monitoring 05 Council member, Agent Harris begins eating the cake.)

Agent Harris: (Repulsed) Oh god! It tastes like fish!

SCP-013-J: FISH IS AN INVALUABLE SOURCE OF PROTEIN AND OMEGA-3!

Agent Harris: THERE'S WHIPPED CREAM ON IT!

SCP-013-J: EVERYTHING IS BETTER WITH WHIPPED CREAM!

(At the order of the 05 Council member, Agent Harris reluctantly eats the remainder of the cake, over the course of half an hour.)

Agent Harris: (Nauseously) How on… on earth did that accomplish anything?

SCP-013-J: A world without cake has been evaded!

Agent Harris: Are you serious!? Is that the only reason I just ate a fucking FISH SPONGE CAKE!?

SCP-013-J: CAKE FOR EVERYONE!

(Identical cakes begin appearing in the same way at every Foundation site on the planet, regardless of secrecy. Analysis reveals the cakes to be made almost entirely of halibut.)

Outcome: It is reluctantly decided that SCP-013-J's suggestions will continue to be taken seriously and its orders followed until it ceases to be a valuable asset to the Foundation.

SCP-013-J Incident 1742B

SCP-013-J Incident 1742B

Date: ██/██/████

Agent Griffiths: SCP…

SCP-013-J: CUTTLEFISH OF…

Agent Griffiths: …ultimate wisdom, right.

SCP-013-J: UUULTIMATE… WISDOM!

Agent Griffiths: Cuttlefish of Ultimate Wisdom, yes. I've come for your report on future events.

SCP-013-J: Senior Foundation Officer Spencer is in peril! GRAVE PERIL!

Agent Griffiths: (Sarcastically) And, by any chance, do you know of a way to save him, which also, completely unnecessarily makes him look like an idiot?

SCP-013-J: Anyone who witnesses Officer Spencer must hurl with all their might, whatever it is they are holding, at the good officer's face!

Agent Griffiths: Yeah, why not?

Conclusion: For the following two weeks, Foundation staff comply with SCP-013-J's instructions, throwing mostly food and stationery at Officer Spencer, until he is injured by a trainee, transporting an anomalous typewriter. During Officer Spencer's time in the on-site medical facility, Foundation doctors discovered a tumor forming in his brain, and ultimately removed it without incident.

SCP-013-J Incident 1743B

SCP-013-J Incident 1743B

Date: ██/██/████

Agent Williams: Cuttlefish of Ul…

SCP-013-J: GAAASP!

Agent Williams: (After waiting several seconds.) I'm sorry, was that an instruction, or…

SCP-013-J: The foul hand of evil has made its way even to this very sanctuary!

Agent Williams: (Looking around nervously.) Has it?

SCP-013-J: AGENT JENNIFER WALKER!

Agent Williams: I'm clearly a man…

SCP-013-J: REMOVE YOUR TROUSERS OR YOU WILL DOOM US ALL TO ETERNAL DAMNATION!

Agent Williams: Ugh, seriously!?

SCP-013-J: THE HOUR OF DAMNATION TICKS CLOSER!

(Agent Williams is ordered to comply by the supervising 05 Council member. After hesitantly moving his hands towards his belt, Williams reconsiders and his face contorts in anger.)

Agent Williams: No! You know what? FUCK YOU! (Points to SCP-013-J) and FUCK YOU! (Points to the camera through which the 05 Council member is surveying.) I joined the Foundation to fight monsters, not to entertain some stupid, immature space fish!

SCP-013-J: FOOL! You have doomed us all!

Agent Williams: HOW!?

SCP-013-J: Cuttlefish are CEPHALOPOOODS! Ignorance is the greatest danger in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE!

Agent Williams: And I suppose we could have avoided this HORRIBLE CATASTROPHE if I'd been standing here with no trousers like an idiot! Well forgive me if I can… Whoa…

(A black and red aura surrounds Agent Williams' trousers and he begins to rise into the air.)

Agent Williams' Trousers: Mwahahaaa! Now that I have harnessed enough of this mortal's irritation, I can destroy this world and nothing can stop me!

Agent Williams: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

Agent Williams' Trousers: MWAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Agent Williams' trousers vanish in a shroud of black smoke, leaving Williams to fall to the ground.)

Closing Statement: Agent Williams' employment with the Foundation was terminated immediately. All future agents to interact with SCP-013-J are to be thoroughly evaluated by an on-site psychiatrist and selected based on past experience of dealing with similarly troubling entities. The hunt for former Agent Williams' trousers, the newly designated SCP-████, is underway, but thus far, no progress has been made.