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Original Article: SCP-015-DE-J - Deswegen hasst die SCP Foundation Enten und Gänse

Author: Einer von Rabe

Translator Karpfisch

Images:

Male Anas platyrhynchos breeding plumage three-quarter profile.jpg from Helge Busch-Paulick (Grand-Duc @ Wikipedia), CC BY-SA 3.0 DE

USMC-051028-M-0245S-004.jpg from USA Department of Defense, Public domain

Anser cygnoides Mex2018.jpg from Carlos Valenzuela, CC BY-SA 4.0

BY ORDER OF THE PISSED OVERSEERS COUNCIL

The following File is visible to all personnel until SCP-015-DE-J has been neutralised. We will not be humiliated by a common Duck!

015-DE-J

1/015-DE-J LEVEL 1/015-DE-J

CLASSIFIED

Item #: SCP-015-DE-J

Object Class: Unsafe

Traffic Light: RED

JUST LOOK AT HOW SMUG HE IS!

HE KNOWS PERFECTLY WELL THAT WE CAN'T CATCH HIM!

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-015-DE-J must be pursued with a damn fast car1 by MTF 180-Donald "Don't Duck With the Police!".

Any personnel on contact with SCP-015-DE-J are permitted to shoot and otherwise use violence on that Son of a Bitch SCP-015-DE-J in an attempt to decommission the anomaly.

Description: SCP-015-EN-J is a male mallard (ANUS Anas platyrhynchos) that can reach speeds of over 180 kilometres per hour when he it runs in a straight line on foot. In doing so, this causes wind gusts and whirlwinds, which leads to damage to street infrastructure.

Once SCP-015-DE-J is crossed by a vehicle, a second anomalous property manifests itself in the form of the rendition of the song Deja Vu by Dave Rodgers. This appears to come from SCP-015-DE-J's beak and the lyrics are sung in a high-pitched, quacking voice. As soon as this would theoretically normally end, SCP-015-DE-J opens its wings, takes off and does not land again until it encounters a new vehicle, where it starts playing the song again. The vehicle that is the trigger is caught by SCP-015-DE-J's gust of wind in the process and is thus swept along.

For reasons that are not clear, vehicles are immune to the effect when they play the song Gas Gas Gas by Manuel Caramori through their speakers.

Agent Erwin Jaeger (Left) and Tetiana (Centre), lying in wait to finally put a stop to this speedster!

Addendum: Since 2016 vehicles playing Gas Gas Gas have been subjected to a new effect in which SCP-015-DE-J lands on the roof and thus "surfs" through traffic. After the end of the song, SCP-015-DE-J takes off together with the vehicle and only lands again when a corresponding track (for cars this would be roads, for trains and trams tracks) reappears. From then on, SCP-015-DE-J removes itself from the vehicle.

Discovery: The SCP Foundation first became aware of SCP-015-DE-J when Jeffrey Jack Johnson Jr, the Cowboy, Adventurer, Tamer of the Stupid Reptile, etc. etc.2 O5-6's company car, a Hummer HX to note,3 was severely damaged in a confrontation with the Entity and had to be scrapped at an early stage because of it.

From then on, MTF 180-Donald "Don't Duck With the Police!" was formed to neutralise SCP-015-DE-J.

> Update

…

We think that this stupid Goose is waiting for the right moment for a counter-attack. But we are not sure what is going on in the head of this monster.

Addendum: ANOTHER DAMN FEATHERED BEAST Another similar instance to SCP-015-DE-J has appeared, in the form of a swan goose (Anser cybernoides cygnoides). This goose appears to be capable of honking at 140 dB.4 This Superpower ability can create cracks in various structures when focused on a target. It uses this to destroy roads and other facilities, such as car parks, used by vehicles.

It also appears to have the ability to magically magnetically magic-netically attract any baked goods within a one kilometre5 radius.

VIDEO-RECORDING-015-DE-J

DATE: Afternoon. Don't know when exactly it was.

NOTES: This is the first encounter between SCP-015-DE-J and the new entity. How it came about that agents from the SCP Foundation could be on the scene to record the confrontation is not clear. The people from the 'Pataphysics Department mumbled something about "fate" before they got drunk, but who listens to them, am I right?

By the way: We translated the dialogue from Universal Bird, just so you know why you can read it. No need to thank us - Ornithology Department

[CELL PHONE RECORDING JUST BEGINNING]

GOOSE: So we meet again, Deku.

SCP-015-DE-J: K-Kei? You are alive?

GOOSE: Yes, I'm alive. That little attack you tried to wipe me out only made me stronger.

SCP-015-DE-J: Impossible! My Double-Mega-Vortex-Dance of the Twenty Ponds was specially perfected by Master Crane!

GOOSE: [Very manly Laughter] Oh, it is very possible, my dear rival.

SCP-015-DE-J: Damn you! But this time I will defeat you, once and for all!

GOOSE: Oh, I'm not so sure about that.

The Goose pulls out a skin-tight, black full-body suit with a series of button-like elements, the use of which is not clear, but is probably just to look cool.

GOOSE: This Suit gives the wearer incredible strength, speed, stamina and the ability to stream Blockbusters and Japanese Cartoons before they have been produced.

SCP-015-DE-J: [Disparaging] Friggin' Geaboo.

GOOSE: What did you call me‽ Repeat that!

The Goose puts on the suit and gets into a fighting stance, similar to a martial art you see in Hollywood Movies, from people who have no idea about real life.

GOOSE: With the power of my Waifu and Animation: Feel the power of Gans now! YEAA-HOOO! [Incomprehensible Goose Honking]

[THE BATTERY OF THE CELL PHONE IS EMPTY]

Note from some O5

In support of MTF 180-Donald, 180-Gladstone "Goose-ing A Lucky Streak" was formed to combat Goose of Interest 015-DE-J.

Yet another Addendum: A request for assistance in the TOTAL DESTRUCTION OF THIS SPEEDER neutralisation of SCP-015-DE-J and Goose of Interest 015-DE-J has been sent to the United Nations Global Occult Coalition. The following is the response:

From the Desk of the Under-Secretary General

First of all: SORRY WHAT?

You want our help to shoot down a duck? We've got more important things to do (Say: Saving the World. Someone's got to do that while you're doing whatever-you're-doing-in-your-bases-with-all-the-Parathreats) than getting you a Christmas Roast in the summer.

On the other hand: Haven't you been making fun of us for decades for always wanting to blow everything up? So right now we are not too shabby for you.

Yours unsincerely and a Lick-My-Arse,

— Under-Secretary General D.C. al Fine

United Nations Global Occult Coalition

and the World Conspiracies

Footnotes

1. A request for the use of the model Citroën 2CV is pending. – O4-8

Note by RAISA: Very funny to use a car which is called a "Duck" in German. We laughed so much.

2. Redacted at the request of O5-7. – O4-1

3. Someone must be compensating for something. – O4-8

4. For all those who have no idea about sound and how the Eggheads measure it: It is VERY loud. So loud that it hurts. - D-2510

P. S. How do I know? I've had my eardrums damaged. Twice. - D-2510

5. For our friends from the part of North America that is below Canada and above Mexico: That's a lot of Feet to walk.