From:
administrator@site01.scp.int

To:
council_new (Group)

Subject:
The truth

Date:
10/1/2008

Thought you'd like to know what happened.

Office of The Administrator

Secure, Contain, Protect

SCP-3969 upon capture

Item #: SCP-3969

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3969 is to be housed in a standard humanoid containment chamber at Site-17. No further containment procedures have been deemed necessary at this time.

Description: SCP-3969 is a middle-aged human male of Irish-American descent. SCP-3969's primary anomalous property appears to render it invulnerable to numerous forms of injury, disease, and aging — although whether SCP-3969 is entirely impervious to these ailments or merely resistant to them remains unclear.

SCP-3969 claims to have acquired its anomalous properties through an extensive thaumaturgic ritual involving "consuming 138 fermented lima beans a day", "bathing in the blood of a blind coyote", and [DATA EXPUNGED]. Investigation of these claims is ongoing.

SCP-3969 first came to the attention of Foundation personnel in Seattle, Washington, following reports of a local derelict falling from the roof of a seven-story apartment building and emerging unscathed. Upon confirmation of its anomalous abilities, SCP-3969 was detained and transported to Site-17 for questioning.

A transcript of this interview, conducted by Dr. Phillip Grant, has been attached to this file below.

Addendum 1: First interview

Date: 9/16/2008

Objective: Ascertain the source of SCP-3969's anomalous properties.

[BEGIN LOG]

SCP-3969: I always knew this would happen.

Dr. Grant: What do you mean?

SCP-3969: Nothing. Just some black-suited government bastards swooping in and putting me in a place like this. So what next, Doc? You wanna probe my esophagus?

Dr. Grant laughs.

Dr. Grant: Well, I can't speak to what they'll do to you—

Dr. Grant gestures to the other research staff outside the room.

Dr. Grant: —but I'm just here to ask you some questions. Mainly, how you ended up in your current… ah, predicament?

SCP-3969: You know, I can't say I'm too sure, considering your friend over there gave me enough downers to sedate an elephant for a month.

Dr. Grant: I was referring to your invulnerability.

Silence.

SCP-3969: I sold my soul to Satan.

Dr. Grant: Sarcasm doesn't help either of us.

SCP-3969: Sarcasm? Sarcasm? I'll show you sarcasm, you condescending sack of shit—

SCP-3969 violently gestures to Dr. Grant, before appearing to notice the presence of two security guards outside of the conference room.

SCP-3969: Tch. Like I'd show some disgruntled laymen my legumes.

Dr. Grant: Your… what?

[END LOG]

Addendum 2: Second interview

Three days after its first interview, after previously remaining uncooperative, SCP-3969 requested to speak with Dr. Grant in an apparent desire to "negotiate". The following meeting was arranged shortly thereafter, and is transcribed verbatim.

Date: 9/21/2008

[BEGIN LOG]

Dr. Grant: I understand you wish to cooperate.

SCP-3969: You really wanna know my secret?

Dr. Grant chuckles.

Dr. Grant: If that's how you'd like to put it.

SCP-3969: Then fine. But I have some conditions.

Dr. Grant: Which would be?

SCP-3969: Getting to see the sun for more than five minutes a day would be nice.

Dr. Grant sighs.

Dr. Grant: If you are unsatisfied with the accommodations you've been provided, I will put in a request with—

SCP-3969: You call a lightless metal cell "accommodations"?

Silence.

Dr. Grant: I'll see what I can do.

SCP-3969: Good. Now for my end. Got a pen?

[FOUR HOURS OF EXTRANEOUS DIALOGUE REMOVED]

SCP-3969: Three hundred and twenty-seven of them, to be exact. And it has to be in one sitting.

Dr. Grant: Is that before or after the radish stems?

SCP-3969: It doesn't matter, as long as you soaked it in lamb's blood for exactly 6 hours. But make sure not to boil them for too long, or you'll have to start from scratch.

Dr. Grant appears to write something down.

Dr. Grant: Is that everything?

SCP-3969: Yup.

Dr. Grant: And this won't carry any… unanticipated side affects?

SCP-3969: Besides getting beaten up and abducted? No. Not that I know of.

Dr. Grant stands up, and folds the papers in front of him.

Dr. Grant: Thank you, SCP-3969. Your cooperation has been duly noted. Expect changes in the weeks to come.

[END LOG]

Excellent work, Dr. Grant. Please submit yourself to your nearest human resources office for voluntary amnesticization. We'll take it from here. —[DATA EXPUNGED]

Addendum 3: [DATA EXPUNGED]

▶ ACCESS ADDENDUM

▼ Close

[BEGIN LOG]

O5-12: Glad to be done with this mess.

O5-7: Yeah, seven barrels of carp? Ridiculous.

O5-9: The supplements should stop the worst of it — cyanide poisoning and such. Now we just have to wait.

O5-4: YOU'RE ALL ANIMALS.

O5-2: Oh, please. You would've done the same if it weren't for that damn android body.

O5-4: WAS IT REALLY NECESSARY TO GOUGE THE EYES OUT BEFORE YOU CURDLED ITS LIVER?

O5-2: We can't afford to cut any corners here. I don't want to muck this up and turn my bones to copper.

O5-4: WHATEVER.

O5-13: How long will this take, anyway?

O5-1: I think it was… let me see.

The sound of shuffling papers can be heard.

O5-1: Around three hours? Thaumaturgy has never been a very exact science. Or, well — a science.

O5-9: Actually, I think I can feel it kicking in right now.

A loud groaning noise can be heard.

O5-12: What was that?

O5-6 enters the room, appearing noticeably older than moments earlier.

O5-12: Christ! What the hell happened to you, Jason?

O5-6: (Hoarse) I… I… I—

O5-6 bursts into dust.

O5-9: Oh no.

Sounds of falling debris, wounds fissuring, and screams can be heard for the next fifteen minutes, followed by silence.

O5-4: GUYS?

Silence. A phone is dialing.

O5-4: BERTRAND?

Unknown Voice: Yes?

O5-4: I THINK WE MAY HAVE A PROBLEM.

[END LOG]

Following this incident, Site-17 staff attempted to consult SCP-3969 — but upon entering its containment chamber, were greeted only with a single word crudely etched into a nearby wall:

SUCKERS.