RAISA — TELECOMMUNICATIONS TRANSCRIPTION

19/09/2022 — E726B932_IA

Caller ID: Maria Jones — Director, Records, Archival, and Information Security Administration.

Recipient ID: Vincent Bohart — Director, Site-333.

Jones: Good afternoon. This is Maria Jones, with the—

Bohart: About damn time, 30 minutes or it's free my ass. Hang on, I'll buzz you in…

Jones: Am I speaking with Vincent Bohart?

Bohart: Yes, just hang on a moment, [muffled] Jenny, which one does the thing for the front door again?

Bohart: [muffled] No, I tried that one… Yeah… Obviously, I'm not going to tip, we've been waiting an hour…

Jones: Director, I'm calling on behalf of the Foundation's Records, Archival, and Information Security Administration. We've noticed some concerns related to your site's annual reporting.

Bohart: Huh? You're not — oh why didn't you say so. Uhhh, right. Well, it's September and if I recall correctly, we don't need to tickle the brass until the end of fiscal, which is what, May?

Jones: The Foundation's fiscal year ends December 31st. Although that's irrelevant to the reasoning for my call; our records indicate that Site-333 has not shared its mandated recordkeeping with RAISA since 1982.

Bohart: Oh, uh. Are you sure?

Jones: I am absolutely certain. We expect digitized copies of all relevant files by the week's end.

Bohart: Okay, will you hold for a moment?

The phone call is abruptly terminated by the recipient.

Item#: 7399

Containment Class: super keter

Secondary Class: none

Disruption Class: vlam

Risk Class: critical

Special Containment Procedures: N/A.

Description: SCP-7399 is a malevolent entity anomalous phenomena that consumed the entirety of has affected Site-333's on-location recordkeeping since 1982. While the precise nature of SCP-7399 is not understood at this time, it is presumed to be a real bastard mematic in nature…

Site-333 — Interdepartmental Communications Log:

19/09/2022 — 3:14 pm

Vincent Bohart, Director;

Tony Catalano, Accounting & Tourism;

Leonora Morales, Wildlife Specialist;

Noah Patel, Cryptozoologist & Museum Curator.

Leonora Morales: I'm pretty sure it's 'memetic.'

Tony Catalano: Shoot, what does that mean again anyway?

Leonora Morales: It's like an image that makes your brain do things, related to the word 'meme,' I think.

Tony Catalano: Like those little animal pictures with the backgrounds?

Noah Patel: I still liked it better when it was some sort of creature that got in. We could say the Jersey Devil knew we were onto it and broke in to burn or eat the documents!

Tony Catalano: I'm with Noah on this, not that last part, but the start. Speaking on behalf of my department, we're anti-memetic.

Vincent Bohart: If this were in any way a vote, I consider that. We need a reason why we didn't notice until now: a cover story for why it's been going on for so long.

Lenora Morales: Why has it gone on for so long?

Vincent Bohart: I had a look and it seems the old director, before my time I want to stress, hired an external company to deliver our documents to whomever, saved him a buck or two. We'd just stack the boxes out front and they'd take it away.

Vincent Bohart: Well turns out, that company went under in 82' after being sued for mistaken deliveries, something to do with a lung transplant.

Tony Catalano: So all those boxes we've been putting out for years? Where'd they go?

Vincent Bohart: Well, we have been putting them in the garbage collection zone. So…

Noah Patel: Jeez. But we must have duplicates, right? I mean we wouldn't have thrown out the originals.

Vincent Bohart: Do you know how much printer ink costs? No way in hell are we blowing that kind of dough on papers we already have.

Leonaora Morales: Had. Papers we had, given that they're now who knows where.

Vincent Bohart: Right, which is why we need to get this thing done. So let's pass it off as some sort of anomaly that gets rid of documents: "Super Keter," big fish stuff.

Noah Patel: Uhh, boss. What happens if the Foundation believes us?

Vincent Bohart: Christ, Noah. Then they think there's a hostile memetic agent consuming its documentation and we're in the clear!

Noah Patel: And if they get worried about this thing expanding? If RAISA is breathing down our necks now, what are they going to say if they think there's a threat to their records?

Vincent Bohart: Shit.

Vincent Bohart: Okay, plan B. You three get started on falsifying documents: field reports, contained anomalies, research results, Friday night pizza parties, the works.

Tony Catalano: You want us to falsify two decades worth of information in a week?

Vincent Bohart: That's the spirit! Better get cracking. You know what we say at Site-333: 'Who Dares Wins.'

Leonaora Morales: Isn't that the British SAS?

Vincent Bohart: I know right? Pretty cool.

Noah Patel: And what are you going to be doing while we're working on all this?

Vincent Bohart: Plan C.

Nx-36 — "Atlantic City" — Promotional Photo — Update Caption Before Use.

Typical seagull behaviour — Exhibit A.

SCP-7399 REPORT — 01: Leonora Morales

21/09/2022

Dir. Bohart,

After going through our animal behaviour files, there's one thing I noticed. Although there are numerous observations of unusual conduct on animals throughout Nexus-36: groups of bats raiding casino buffets, that period of time where every single soup along the boardwalk had a fly in it, the beach being overrun by crabs every March, plus that whole thing with the sperm whale getting stuck in the Ferris wheel we had to deal with — no animal shows up as consistently in our records as the seagull.

It's shocking how much of the zoology department has just been cataloguing seagulls. I mean, I knew I commented thinking a bunch of them were smoking, but this rabbit hole goes so much deeper than that. All my predecessors, as far back as I can tell, have commented on the aggressive, possessive, manipulative behaviour seen by Atlantic City seagulls. I think we've stumbled upon something big, maybe the largest documented animal behavioural anomaly in the Foundation's history!

I'm including my findings in the following document and will be sending it to zoologists stationed at Foundation sites around the globe for peer review.

SEAGULL_ANOMALOUS_BEHAVIOUR_333-REPORT_final_draft_v2_final.dox.pdf

I'm sure this is just the sort of cutting-edge fieldwork that RAISA will want to have on hand, and to think I may never have clued into it had we not gotten that review! The system works! I've got a good feeling about this!

Typical seagull behaviour — Exhibit B.

Update:

22/09/2022

Heard back from some of my colleagues, they noted similar findings at basically all urban centres where these birds frequent. That behaviour I was talking about, turns out it's downright common. Atlantic City's seagulls aren't anomalous, they're just regular assholes.

SCP-7399 REPORT — 02: Noah Patel

23/09/2022

Hello Director Bohart,

I understand that you were hoping for us to compile as much information on different anomalies as possible, but I think I have something you'll be far more interested in. I know I've given you print copies before, but this way you won't lose it again!

A Consideration of the New Jersey Devil

A Ficto-Critical Exploration and Justification for the Cryptid's Existence, With Consideration to its Successful Avoidance of Direct Foundation Observation.

by Noah Patel, Cryptozoologist & Head Curator, Site-333, Museum of the New Jersey Devil.

Abstract:

In this work, I compile documentary evidence, first-hand accounts, and peripheral information regarding the elusive cryptid: the New Jersey Devil. I furthermore analyze these sightings within frameworks for folkloric tales and urban legends, establishing the commonality between the Jersey Devil and other cryptids, whose existence has been verified by the Foundation. In doing so, the likely nature of its presence is affirmed and validated. To respond to inquiries as to why the Jersey Devil has not yet been formally acknowledged by the Foundation, I include a ficto-critical account of the creature's methods of operations, aims, desires, and interpersonal relationships. This evidence-backed narrative account provides an objectively-informed and data-supported method of understanding the cryptid's relationship to human society, the Foundation, and the art of dance. It is my belief that this work will revitalize the Foundation's attempts to understand urban cryptids and their complex interplay with the individual researchers who study them.

Page: 1 / 5,286

SCP-7399 REPORT — 03: Tony Catalano

24/09/2022

Vincent,

I've been reviewing the Site-333 finances, really taking the time to sit down with them and pour over everything closely.

I expected it to be messy, but my god, it's so much worse. Vincent, I cannot stress this enough: Site-333 should, by all accounts and metrics, not be financially viable to run for a period of three weeks, let alone several decades.

Nothing about this makes sense, I could talk your ear off about how this transgresses the most basic, fundamental rules of accounting — hell, it practically dances on their graves, but I know you wouldn't listen. Instead, I've pulled some examples from a long, long list:

We've somehow taken out a triple mortgage on the property, two of which are from the same bank;

Legally we do not own the 2nd-floor washrooms — those were sold in 1985 and I don't even know to whom, it just says "Plumers;"

Every Site-333 employee receives a voucher for 50% off purchases from Brachistone Shoe Polish Company. In exchange, the company receives a small portion of any footwear purchase made by one of us. I have no idea how this is enforced or monitored;

35% of the gift store's revenue is listed as deriving from purchases of 'saltwater taffy.' I have not found a single invoice of us ever buying or stocking saltwater taffy;

We owe over $120,000 dollars to the Atlantic City Fire Department for "services not yet rendered;"

There are several hundred payments that are clearly laundering money, but whoever set that up has the receiving account as Site-333's; so both the actual payments and the 'dirty money' flows directly back in, minus the laundromat's operating costs;

Noah Patel is the sole employee who has had income tax regularly deducted from his pay, and it's listed as paying to the South Korean government.

I tried to enter most of what I found into our accounting software and got the error message: "INSUFFICIENT DATA FOR MEANINGFUL ANSWER" before it froze up and the computer started to smoke.

I know this goes against your instructions to compile the information, but I made an executive decision on behalf of the accounting department. I tossed the computer into the dumpster outback as it caught fire and piled all the papers on top of it. We're going to start over because I literally cannot begin to deal with any of that shit.

- Tony

Nx-36 — "Atlantic City" — Promotional Photo — Update Caption Before Use.

Site-333 — Interdepartmental Communications Log:

23/09/2022 — 11:17 am

Vincent Bohart, Director;

Tony Catalano, Accounting & Tourism;

Leonora Morales, Wildlife Specialist;

Noah Patel, Cryptozoologist & Museum Curator.

Vincent Bohart: Well done everyone, I'm proud of you all.

Noah Patel: Thank you, sir I—

Vincent Bohart: Is what I would say if you hadn't all fucked this up. Jesus Christ, people. I didn't expect a miracle, but this?

Vincent Bohart: All I ask is that you spend one week doing your jobs, and what do I see: misallocation of site resources, incompetence, insubordination, and a damn novel draft; Noah if I wanted to read that I wouldn't have thrown away the earlier manuscripts you gave me.

Noah Patel: You said a bird—

Vincent Bohart: We've got five hours left to get shit done till RAISA kicks in our door and my teeth. So if you've got any ideas, now is the time people.

Noah Patel: …

Tony Catalano:…

Leonora Morales:…

Vincent Bohart: That's what I thought, well folks—

Leonora Morales: What about plan C?

Vincent Bohart: Plan what?

Tony Catalano: Yeah, you said while we working on this, you'd be lining up plan C.

Vincent Bohart: Oh, right… well uh…

Leonora Morales: There's no plan C, is there?

Vincent Bohart: [sighs] No, there's no… unless.. That's it!

Vincent Bohart: Noah's lack of editorial tact has given me an idea. RAISA wants our records, but think about it, they managed documents from every Foundation site the world around! There's no way they're actually reading every scrap of paper! There's got to be hundreds of SCP files alone!

Leonora Morales: Actually, there are several thousand.

Vincent Bohart: Exactly! Here's what we do, folks. We're going to gather every single document in this site, hell in the whole town! We're going to scan and send those nerds every book, every receipt, and every complaint form we can get our hands on. They're going to be swamped with so much info they won't bother us again for another 20 years!

Vincent Bohart: Noah, you long-winded, beautiful bastard, go pull every photograph from that weird museum of yours — and all the gift cards too! Tony, start making spreadsheets, I don't give a shit what's in them, just fill 'em with numbers, the more the better. Leonora, I want you to grab some help and take the van down to the public library, just fill it with books off the shelves, if they give you a hassle say it's termites or something.

Leonaora Morales: I don't think termites are very likely—

Vincent Bohart: I said 'something,' it doesn't matter. Now get going people, we got a deadline to meet!

Site-333 personnel, having acquired document for digitization from an unattended, underfunded, children's library.

RAISA — TELECOMMUNICATIONS TRANSCRIPTION

26/09/2022 — E726B932_IA

Caller ID: Maria Jones — Director, Records, Archival, and Information Security Administration.

Recipient ID: Vincent Bohart — Director, Site-333.

Jones: This is Maria Jones, of the Foundation's Record—

Bohart: Ah, Maria! Glad to hear from you. I trust you received those documents we sent? Sorry about that delay, you know how these things go. I'm sure you've got them stored away now though, somewhere nice and safe, and out of sight?

Jones: Yes. We received the document transfer. We have actually just finished reviewing the files your site sent.

Bohart: You what, finished?! All of them?

Jones: Yes. Apologies for the delay; I would be responding to you more immediately had it not been for the weekend.

Jones: I am now permitted to inform you that our initial reason for contacting you was a ruse. RAISA had been aware of Site-333's failure to submit relevant files and documentation for review since 1982, the initial omitted year. I apologize for the falsehood, but it was necessary. We have been conducting an internal audit of Foundation sites' response to emergent recordkeeping and information security situations, and Site-333 was one such site selected for review.

Bohart: Hang on, you're telling me that this was some sort of game?

Jones: Not a game, Director. An assessment. If you'll open the email I have just sent, you'll see our feedback on your site's performance. I will stay on the line as you review the rubric.

RAISA — SITE-333 PERFORMANCE REVIEW:

Criteria
Rating

Leadership & Teamwork: Do site personnel work effectively as a team? Do those in positions of authority effectively delegate responsibilities and oversee their subordinates?
D

Organization & Communication: Do site personnel display a systematic and orderly approach to problem-solving? Are they able to communicate this approach effectively?
F

Creativity & Flexibility: Do site personnel respond intuitively to emerging problems? Do they display the capacity to pursue creative solutions?
C-

Professionalism & Responsibility: Do site personnel conduct themselves in a professional manner? Do they accept responsibility for roles assigned to them and/or errors they have made?
F

Adaquecy of Response: Do site personnel successfully respond to the assessment situation, as conveyed to them by the Recordkeeping and Information Security Administration?
F-

OVERALL ASSESSMENT: UNSATISFACTORY
PASS/FAIL: SITUATIONAL PASS

Bohart: What the hell? How did you? Did you wiretap me?

Jones: Director, you should be well aware that RAISA is mandated to monitor all official communication channels employed by the Foundation to ensure operational and information security. Although that was hardly necessary in this case: your office documented the attempted cover-up in one of the files you forwarded to us: SCP-7399.

Bohart: Jesus, you really read through everything? I don't even get through my own paperwork most days. Honestly half the time I don't even read what I'm signing.

Jones: Are you sure this is information you wish to disclose?

Bohart: Hang on, if you knew this was a test, and if I remember one thing from high school right, 'F's are 'bad,' why'd we get a green light? What does a 'situational pass' mean?

Jones: Director, the purpose of this assessment is to determine areas of improvement for Foundation sites' recordkeeping and information security. We intended for this to be an opportunity for RAISA to identify overlooked pitfalls or redundancies, in order to improve the efficacy of current operational methods.

Jones: Site-333 has underperformed at previously unseen levels. At basically every opportunity, your employees have disregarded established policies and systematic supports. To put simply, we have not seen room for meaningful improvement, self-reflection, or personal and institutional growth; as such, our review concluded that the work necessary to educate Site-333 personnel and implement better recordkeeping systems would be significantly more costly in both time and effort than the harm caused by your site's current methods — however insufficient they are. We believe that attempting to resolve the identified issues would be less beneficial for the Foundation than continuing to endure the poor recordkeeping and substandard information security emblematic of your site's operations.

Bohart: I think I follow. So you're saying that while Site-333 doesn't do things the typical way, what we have works well enough that you don't want to accidentally mess it up.

Jones: No, not at all. Were you listening to anything I just said?

Bohart: I think we learned a valuable lesson today. I'll pass on your congratulations to the staff, wouldn't want them thinking it was coming from me, they might get complacent. Nice talking to you, Jones.

Jones: Director, I—

The phone call is abruptly terminated by the recipient.