Cremo

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cremo

Item#: 7211

Containment Class: euclid

Secondary Class: none

Disruption Class: vlam

Risk Class: notice

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-7211 is to be contained in a standard animate object containment unit at Site-228. It is to be placed on a pedestal and shielded with impact-resistant glass during experiments. Only one subject at a time is allowed to be in the testing chamber with SCP-7211.

Description: SCP-7211 is a 40 cm tall porcelain doll resembling a human male dressed in a red jester uniform, it is noted to have a distressed expression on its face. SCP-7211's anomalous properties will be triggered if there is at least one human being in SCP-7211's close proximity (2 meters or closer).

Once its anomalous properties are triggered SCP-7211 will become animate and start to speak. Usually, there is no conversation between SCP-7211 and the subjects, it usually stands up in front of the subjects and starts to tell various jokes, and puns. If the subjects don't find SCP-7211's performance funny they will start to cause self-harm and showcase temporary anomalous properties. (See Experiment log).

If the subject leaves SCP-7211's vicinity regardless of willingly or not, SCP-7211 will return to its dormant state. Interviewed subjects described the experience as "second-hand embarrassment cranked up to eleven" in unison.

Experiment log:

Subject
Joke
Result

D-8567
I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
The chair D-8567 was sitting on suddenly transformed into a 100 kg tomato. D-8567 tried to lift it up and throw it at SCP-7211 but it was too heavy for him.

D-1462
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
D-1462 began to scream then a glass window manifested on the wall and D-1462 jumped through it. The window itself disappeared and D-1462 was later found lying unconscious on Site Director Katona's office desk.

D-9966
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
D-9966 ripped off both of his legs from mid-thigh and swallowed them whole then both legs grew back.

D-0007
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
D-0007 transformed into a bicycle and attempted to run over SCP-7211. Once the security personnel removed him from the testing chamber D-0007 transformed back but for the next two hours, he was only able to make sounds similar to a bicycle bell instead of human speech.

D-2377
I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a Fanta-sea.
D-2377 yelled "I'm sick of this planet!" and his uniform transformed into a Superman costume then he breached containment by flying through the ceiling but later he was recaptured when he approached Area-32. His anomalous properties ceased an hour later.

D-4544
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
A bottle of Class-█ amnestic agent manifested in D-4544's hands which he drank resulting in the loss of at least five years of memories.

D-42691
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
D-4269 began to laugh so hard that he started to hyperventilate and was transferred to the medical wing.

Following the experiment with D-4269, SCP-7211's facial expression turned from distressed to cheerful and refused to tell jokes to subjects except for D-4269.

Footnotes

1. Using D-4269 for the test was originally recommended by the rest of the Site-228's D-Class personnel population because he is infamous for having a bad sense of humor.