William Shatner (pictured above) is both immune to SCP-4429's primary effect and the target of its secondary effect.

Item #: SCP-4429

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Foundation agents embedded in William Shatner's PR firm are to ensure he remains isolated from any reference to Pulp's song "Common People". Pre-interviews are to be conducted with interviewers and hosts to determine whether or not they intend to reference "Common People" during his appearance. Anyone who engages him in a conversation about the song is to be contained and amnesticized.

Description: SCP-4429 is the anomalous, persistent belief that musician and actor William Shatner recorded a cover version of the song “Common People”, originally by Britpop band Pulp. While no such recording exists, affected individuals have consistent memories of this cover. The song's lyrics deal with an affluent female college student who glamorizes poverty and wants to be “like common people”; in the non-anomalous Pulp original, these lyrics are delivered in a disaffected, ironic manner, but all those under SCP-4429's influence describe Shatner's cover as “aggressive”, “biting”, and far more acerbic in its mockery of the student. SCP-4429 affects upwards of several million people.

Those affected allege that this cover appears on Shatner's 2004 album Has Been, which in fact exclusively contains Shatner's own original spoken-word pieces. Among those affected is musician Ben Folds, who produced Has Been and claims to have produced the “Common People” cover as well; it does not, however, include William Shatner himself, who is the only known individual associated with this album to be completely resistant to SCP-4429's effects.

SCP-4429 has a secondary, related effect that manifests when an affected subject attempts to converse with William Shatner about the supposed song. Those affected will become verbally hostile towards Shatner, escalating towards threats of physical harm. It is unclear if this would eventually lead to actual physical harm as Shatner has consistently been unwilling to remain in proximity of affected subjects once they start threatening him; while the Foundation became aware of SCP-4429 due to Shatner's failed attempts at prosecuting several such individuals, he has nonetheless declined all requests to test out the limits of its effects, even in controlled environments. When interviewed, affected individuals express no remorse.

Addendum 4429-a: Transcript of radio interview, 11/02/2004

The following is a transcript of an interview on the music radio program Q between William Shatner, Ben Folds, and host Jian Ghomeshi. This is the first known occurrence of SCP-4429's secondary phenomenon.

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Ghomeshi: …moving on, we need to talk about that incredible cover of “Common People”, which absolutely blew me away the first time I played it and really has only gotten better and better on each listen.

Folds: Yeah, that one was really fun to put together, melding with Joe Jackson's singing and then the children's chorus at the end, but it does all come down to the delivery by Will, that makes it.

Shatner: I'm sorry, I-

Ghomeshi: Sorry to cut you off, but I just want to make this point and then get your feeling on it, and we can discuss the song in that context as well: It really feels, in many ways, like an extension of those lovely monologues you did on Star Trek, where you absolutely lay into some hapless alien who doesn't really understand humanity – did that play into it at all?

Shatner: I really don't understand what we're talking about here.

Ghomeshi: Has anyone ever told you that making music involves actual singing? You're not supposed to just say all the words into the mic, you know.

Folds: I tried to tell him that but he really wouldn't listen.

Shatner: Fellas, I can take a joke as well as anyone, but I… don't really care for these radio prank things, I'll be honest.

Ghomeshi: Oh god, is this because I mentioned your acting career? Look, I just said I'm a big fan of the song, you don't have to be a huge ass about this.

Folds: He is a bit of a prima donna when it comes to stuff like this, yeah.

Shatner: What? No, I'm always willing to talk about my work on Trek, I'm very proud of it, it's just that-

Ghomeshi: Of course you're proud of it, you fat Canadian fuck. You maple-syrup-guzzling moron.

Shatner: Aren't… aren't you Canadian, too? What is this?

Folds: Oh, shut up, Kirk. Why don't you go eat Spock's entire butthole?

Ghomeshi: Tell me, “captain”, have you ever seen what your intestines look like? Would you like to? Ah forget it, you'd just eat them, you lard-ass.

Shatner: I- ah, why- what the fuck-

Folds: Oh, Shatner's too dumb to understand what's going on. Is that it? Is that it, you big, dumb, baby?

Ghomeshi repeatedly smashes his face into the table in front of him, resulting in multiple cuts, contusions, and broken facial bones.

Ghomeshi: Duh, look at me! I'm William fucking Shatner, and I'm the biggest dipshit in the world!

Folds: That's you, Shatner. That's what you look like. That's what you will look like, after we're done with you.

Shatner: Jesus… Christ.

Shatner rapidly exits the interview room. Folds and Ghomeshi make no effort to follow him.

Ghomeshi: (Yelling) Fucking TekWar sucked1!

Addendum 4429-b: Data recovered from William Shatner's personal archives re: Ronald Coleman

It was noted that in multiple instances of SCP-4429-induced hostile behavior towards William Shatner, the phrase “fat Canadian fuck” was used, even in cases where it did not fully make sense as an insult (as in the example in Addendum 4429-a). The Foundation explored Shatner's extensive collection of personal fan correspondence and discovered this phrase multiple times in the letters of Ronald Coleman, a 37-year-old unemployed male from Seacaucus, New Jersey. Coleman had written hundreds of letters to Shatner, largely consisting of vituperative insults and mockery, several of which liberally quoted from “Common People”. In these letters, Coleman accused Shatner of falling out of touch with his fans and deliberately ignoring them. Shatner was not aware of Coleman and had read none of these letters, as his personal assistant had filtered them from his inbox. The last letter Coleman wrote was posted shortly before the release of Has Been and consisted solely of a two-word profanity.

In sharp contrast to the majority of his writings, Coleman's first dozen letters to Shatner were uniformly positive, praising him for his acting talent and musical prowess. As far as the Foundation has been able to determine, the tipping point for Coleman came after Shatner left a Seacaucus fan-meetup early, before Coleman was able to get him to sign an autograph.

Coleman disappeared shortly after his final letter and his current whereabouts are unknown. Foundation agents searched his house and recovered a copy of Has Been which contained a cover of the song "Common People", apparently by William Shatner, that fits all known descriptions of SCP-4429. This copy has been extensively tested for cognitohazards and is completely non-anomalous; it is the only known recording of this song to actually exist.

Footnotes

1. TekWar is a science fiction book, TV, and media franchise created by William Shatner.