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BY ORDER OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL

The following file has been locked due to repeated malicious external and internal attempts to make edits to the documentation. The purpose of these attacks are not currently known. Proceed with caution.

ACCESS FILE

ACCESS GRANTED

Item#: 6969

Containment Class: keter

Secondary Class: none

Disruption Class: PENDING

Risk Class: PENDING

Specialized Testing Chamber ζ-28-41

SPECIAL CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES: Due to the inherent nature of the anomaly's activation conditions within human biology, SCP-6969 cannot be contained at this time. Efforts are directed towards nullifying the thaumaturgical activation of SCP-6969 on a global scale via application of the Thaumaturgical Interpolator Termination String. Regardless, as SCP-6969's effects are self-censoring and global neutralization would be immensely costly, this is considered a low priority.

Access to this file is restricted to individuals with Level 5/6969 clearance to prevent panic amongst wider Foundation personnel. Due to the large amount of individuals attempting to access this file for unknown reasons, editing the file has been locked, and requires O5 or Research Lead credentials.

DESCRIPTION: SCP-6969 is the designation for a thaumaturgic biological process which occurs during ejaculation.

When a human being attempts to discharge — whether during the process of intercourse or, more commonly, not — a series of internal thaumaturgic processes occur within the individual's genitalia, affecting the entire body. Over the duration of approximately two seconds, the affected subject will enter and experience a causal time loop, repeatedly beginning at the moment of ejaculation and lasting a short period of time. No changes to the subject's physiology are preserved between time loops, save for two factors: one, the activity of the nervous system, and two, sperm's genetic composition (where applicable).1

Upon conclusion of an unknown number of repetitions, the causal time loop ceases, and a secondary thaumaturgic effect activates. The secondary effect resets the nervous system to the state it was when the time loop began, allowing for the seamless transition between pre- and post-orgasm states by resetting memory. Following this, anomalous activity relating to SCP-6969 ceases.

Research suggests that affected subjects may experience a subjective time of anywhere from sixteen days to roughly seventy-three quintillion years every ejaculation.

Addendum One — Testing Log

SUBJECT DESIGNATION: D-652589

SUBJECT SEX: MALE

TESTING LOCATION: Specialized Testing Chamber ζ-28-41

PROCEDURE: A counterspell on the secondary thaumaturgic process was activated on D-652589. The subject was instructed to masturbate, which was performed without complication.

RESULT: Immediate liquefaction of subject's nervous system. Analysis of subject's ejaculate confirmed changes to genetic material.

SUBJECT DESIGNATION: D-80O7135

SUBJECT SEX: FEMALE

TESTING LOCATION: Specialized Testing Chamber ζ-28-41

PROCEDURE: A specialized thaumaturgic spell is placed upon D-8007135 which modifies the SCP-6969 process, allowing for the entire body to be preserved between time loops. Subject was informed and consented to the experiment prior, and was instructed to masturbate.

RESULT: Subject immediately disintegrates.

SUBJECT DESIGNATION: D-05370 AND D-908707

SUBJECT SEX: MALE AND FEMALE

TESTING LOCATION: Specialized Testing Chamber ζ-28-41

PROCEDURE: Subjects were previously married and were reported to possess "unresolved sexual tension" in D-Class holding areas. Both were informed of the nature of the experiment and begrudgingly agreed. D-05370 was thaumaturgically modified to retain memories of their experience during SCP-6969. D-908707 was not modified. Both were non-invasively recorded during the process.

RESULT: D-05370 became comatose, and D-908707 became immensely distressed and uncooperative. Latter amnesticized; former is in medical wing pending termination order.

ALL TESTING HALTED BY ORDER OF THE ETHICS COMMITTEE.

Addendum Two — Note from the Head Researcher

When I began working on SCP-6969, I initially tackled it with the idea that this was a malicious force I was working against. I think, in one way or another, we all believed that this anomaly was evil, or created by something evil to do evil upon us. How many anomalies were the result of eldritch horrors? Surely this must be one of them. But, as I stand here before my research and the evidence piles on my desk, I have to conclude that the theme we're seeing isn't a malicious force — it's a natural one.

The process of evolution is one which is cobbled together from random happenstance. Genes change at complete random and anything which is potentially beneficial (or at least not harmful) gets passed down, while those which are harmful get killed off. It's brutal and messy, but it works — just barely. And, the theory goes, SCP-6969 is the result of just one of those many, many evolutionary happy-little-accidents which may help pass on some genes.

SCP-6969, as we know, changes the genetic material of the sperm released during ejaculation. From what we can tell, it also prunes a significant amount of unhealthy specimens and increases sperm count in general. All signs point to it having simply evolved over the course of our species' lifespans, creating vastly improved genetic material in a tiny timespan. When SCP-6969 first came into existence, there may have been a significant amount of casualties by people who experienced it without the secondary effects, until one person evolved the ability to reset the nervous system and SCP-6969 simultaneously. Any descendants of theirs not up to par were killed off in the process of natural selection.

There is, perhaps, one hypothesis of a colleague of mine which I am too afraid to admit may be true. From the complexity of SCP-6969, we can place the approximate period from where it evolved, and it appears as though the time corresponds directly with the development of higher intelligence in human species. As if to make matters worse, the hypothesis goes on to state that without SCP-6969, the genetic makeup of humans may become significantly more unstable, resulting in very high birth defect rates and fatal mutations.

I cannot fathom a world of such suffering, where we were conceived in such brutal conditions, made to endure such horrors, and die an eventual, meaningless death.

Sex is a joke.

And we're the punchline.

Following this, Head Researcher Nathan Brown was disciplined for adding unprofessional personal anecdotes to official SCP files.

Footnotes

1. Of note, the genetic composition of the sperm ejaculated changes states before and after SCP-6969, suggesting the anomaly modifies it.

i am so sorry.