Ok but what if Exotic Stars was a strip club where the human personification of stellar objects danced for money or something.

By the way, Big, Black, and Bald refers to Saget Darius Alexander the SCP-2713-1 instance and Sagittarius A, the black hole at the center of our galaxy.

You're welcome.

I had this idea strike me from seeing someone use the phrase "Exotic Stars" and I couldn't let it go.

Other puns include "Everything doesn't revolve around you" and the fact that Pi-3 can be read "Pie".

Got great feedback on this from several people, and I'd like to thank them for it.

Image is WikiCommons: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Billiardroom.jpg

The exterior facade of SCP-2713

Item #: SCP-2713

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2713 and its surrounding property have been purchased by a Foundation front company to facilitate onsite containment. Approximately 1.4 square kilometers of the surrounding area have been enclosed in fencing.

Mobile Task Force π-3 "The Dollar Bills" is to monitor and patrol both the external and internal structures of SCP-2713. Any Global Occult Coalition agents identified are to be immediately neutralized as long this is achievable without harming an SCP-2713-1 or -2 instance.

Direct physical testing involving SCP-2713-1 or -2 instances is prohibited. Interviews are to be conducted only with the direct approval of the SCP-2713 project director.

Description: SCP-2713 is an abandoned billiard hall in rural Baldwin County, Alabama which leads to an extra-dimensional space that resembles a club which employs exotic dancers for entertainment. This internal structure is accessible from multiple locations on Earth. SCP-2713, when viewed from the outside, resembles the interior of a billiards hall in a state of disrepair and decay.

SCP-2713-1 instances act as security and apparent "patrons" of SCP-2713. SCP-2713-1 instances are variable in nature though all appear as human. Most are either incapable or unwilling to provide Foundation personnel with their names, and their exact nature is mostly unknown. However, several 2713-1 instances have taken the opportunity to discuss their identity and even the nature of SCP-2713 with Foundation personnel.1

When the door of SCP-2713 is used to access the interior of SCP-2713, individuals enter a "holding room" where an SCP-2713-1 instance will check their identification, vaccination history, and criminal history. If individuals attempting to enter SCP-2713 do not possess authentic documents pertaining to these details, they will be refused entry.

All attempts to use forged documents or documents belonging to others have resulted in refused entry. Additionally, entry will be refused if the individual's record indicates involvement in any violent criminal incidents or a lack of regular flu vaccination.

Upon initial discovery SCP-2713-1 instances would grant entry to any individuals with valid identification proving their age as over 17. However, after various incidents the amount of identification required for entry increased, with the highest increase in restrictions occurring after incident 2713-7.

SCP-2713-2 instances act as exotic dancers inside SCP-2713 and self identify with a variety of names which match common designations for stellar objects or their discoverers. These have included "Atria", "Mira", "Bellatrix", and "The Matveenko Sisters" (see Incident Report 2713-7).

Through interviews with SCP-2713-1 and -2 instances, it has been determined that these instances believe they represent actual astronomical objects. Until the veracity of these claims are investigated, physical testing involving either SCP-2713-1 or -2 instances is temporarily suspended.

Current knowledge of other ingress points is limited, with the GOC's entry point in Norway being the only other currently known. It is suspected that other groups of interest may also be in possession of ingress points. However, attempts to apprehend individuals associated with other GOIs have found little success due to the interference of SCP-2713-1 instances.

Incident Report 2713-7

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During a routine test involving Foundation personnel, three armed individuals gained access to the premises who were unrelated to the test. It was later determined that these individuals gained access through a secondary entry point in northern Norway. These individuals claimed to be members of the Global Occult Coalition, and despite protests from Foundation staff and several instances inside SCP-2713, attempted to restrain and remove one of the SCP-2713-2 instances.

"The Matveenko Sisters", who were performing during this incident, attempted to stop the GOC agents, but one of the two was seriously wounded. To prevent further escalation, Foundation Agents fired at and neutralized the three GOC agents.

After this incident, a previously known coincident radio source to the Crab Pulsar, which had been previously discovered by L. I. Matveenko deviated significantly from its expected frequency for several weeks before returning to normal. Further investigation into links between SCP-2713 instances and astronomical objects is ongoing, as is the unusual nature of the observed deviation given the distance between the Earth and the Matveenko radio source.

SCP-2713-2 Interview Logs

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Following incident 2713-7, testing involving non D-Class personnel was temporarily suspended. A D-class individual (D-11218) was outfitted with a radio communication device and sent to investigate the aftermath of incident 2713-7. Upon being granted admission, D-11218 began to explore the premises.

Following several minutes of exploration, an SCP-2713-2 instance, who self identified as "Malina" invited D-11218 to a back room. D-11218 refused orders from the supervising researcher, Doctor Foster, and complied with the request from the SCP-2713-2 instance. Afterwards, the SCP-2713-2 instance requested to speak directly to Doctor Foster (identifying him by name) which was granted. The following is a log of that conversation.

Dr. Foster: Hello. My name is Doctor Foster. You wished to speak with me?

SCP-2713-2: You're so formal! You can hear me okay when I press this button, right?

Dr. Foster: Yes.

SCP-2713-2: Good. I was wondering how long it would take y'all to find this place.

At this point the SCP-2713-2 instance begins to cough. It should be noted that SCP-2713-2's breathing difficulties continue throughout the conversation.

Dr. Foster: Who are you?

SCP-2713-2: I've always liked it when you fellas call me Malina.

Dr. Foster: What is the purpose of this place?

SCP-2713-2: Why, ain't you just all business! I just wanted to talk to you.

Dr. Foster: I'm fairly certain I don't know you at all.

SCP-2713-2: Everything doesn't revolve around you, sugar. I meant your Foundation.

Dr. Foster: Then what do you need from the Foundation?

SCP-2713-2: Honey, it's less about my needs and more about you.

Dr. Foster: I don't understand.

SCP-2713-2 begins to cough for several minutes before finally catching her breath.

SCP-2713-2: I'm sorry. It takes a lot out of me to talk to y'all.

Dr. Foster: How can we help you?

SCP-2713-2: I ain't well. And I think y'all could maybe fix that if you wanted.

Dr. Foster: Is your illness related to the coughing I hear?

SCP-2713-2: Oh, it's coming across as coughing? That's a little bit funny. Yeah. That's a problem. But it's a mite worse than just a cough.

Dr. Foster: What is wrong with you then?

The SCP-2713-2 instance began to cough uncontrollably and did not answer. D-11218 reported that she had quickly left the room they occupied. Following extensive exploration of the remainder of SCP-2713 over the next several hours, D-11218 exited SCP-2713. At no point was he able to locate the SCP-2713-2 instance he had previously interacted with.

I was reviewing this object's procedures when I noticed the names. Malina isn't just another star. "Malina" is an Inuit goddess who represents our own Sun. Despite the containment procedures passing muster for our current understanding of this object, I'm passing this up the chain of command for further review. ~ Dr. Cimmerian, Site-88's Ethics Committee Liaison

Footnotes

1. See "Big, Black, and Bald" by Doctor Phillip Foster for interviews and information related to the SCP-2713-1 instance identified as "Mr. Darius".