You should know that there are only two types of people in this world. Those of us who drink Mind-Milk™, and those of us who secrete it.

SCP-3739

By: Lt Flops

Published on 22 Jan 2019 12:54

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SCP-3739: Mind-Milk™ by Moosphere, Inc.

Authors: Lt Flops & KindlyTurtleClem

Published on 22 Jan 2019

This article is set in the Broken Masquerade canon.

Special Thanks

A Random Day and SonKingKong for dialogue help.

Modulum and JackalRelated for helping greatly with the adverts. Modulum edited the coal miner advert & Jackal helped sharpen and suggest changes for images.

Uncle Nicolini for his CONSTANT help and critique on our draft, after each and every iteration. Can't thank him enough for sticking with our concept.

DrChandra, DarkStuff, Connor MacWarren, aismallard, and Cyantreuse for giving finalizing advice, esp. the latter approving of it in the BM canon.

Gekkoguy, Gabriel Jade, Cyantreuse, and televisionist for conceptual work and finalizing crit.

Westrin and RockTeethMothEyes for beta reading.

Sources

Our moosphere comments

Definitions:

The definition of "noösphere" used here is sourced directly from Sirpudding's Author Page, which grants permission for its use (among other items) with attribution.

Research Links:

Digital pathology

Jungian archetypes that turn into Bovine archetypes

Bat (goddess)

20th Century Speaking in tongues

Laying on of hands

General Images

Image 1 – Public Domain

Image 2 – Public Domain

Image 3 – Public Domain

Image 4 – CC-BY 3.0

Advert One

Milk Droplets – CC-BY-SA 4.0

Mare Imbrium – Public Domain

Advert Two

Two Coalminers – CC-BY-SA 3.0

Final Screen

Carey Merrick – CC-BY-SA 3.0

Ultrasound – CC-BY-SA 3.0

[{$authorPage} ▸ More by this Author ◂]

NOTICE From the Department Of

‘Pataphysical and Digital Archivists

Advertisement-based inoculation disseminated.

Need containment insurance? We've got you covered. South-Central Protective Services, protecting you against malignant fae hexes, hemovore invasions, and flesh-eating Nälkän rituals since 1893.

Advertisement-based inoculation completed.

Beginning biometric and neural scan.

~$ Simurgh.aic: nominal

~$ Last login: 2024-02-28 @ 06:45 PM (UTC−05)

~$ Memetic advertisements tracked and quarantined: 45,214

~$ Anti-infiltration detection: nominal

~$ Accessing intSCPFN:/files/SCP-3739/SPOILED_MILK_SEQUENCE

Biometric and neural scan completed.

Inoculation completed! You may proceed.

▷ SIMURGH.aic: SCP-3739-1 Quarantine History

△ Viewing secured

"Expect a 5% drop of optimization in your lactose tolerance! Buy all yeast shares, all yeast shares, all yeast shares." — 2024-02-28 @ 9:56 PM (UTC−05)

"If the Moon is made of cream cheese, we'll sell it!" — 2024-02-28 @ 10:43 PM (UTC−05)

"Milk! The Meaning of Life." — 2024-02-29 @ 12:01 AM (UTC−05)

"You'll Wonder Where the Red Went When You Brush Your Teeth with Moosphere Fresh Dreams™!" — 2024-02-29 @ 02:17 AM (UTC−05)

"Makes Children and Adults as Swollen as Cows!" — 2024-02-29 @ 04:00 AM (UTC−05)

SCP-3739

Canon Hub » Broken Masquerade Hub » SCP-3739

ITEM: SCP-3739
LEVEL 4/3739

CLASS: keter
secret

DISRUPTION CLASS: 4/ekhi

A natural Moosphere, Inc. cave udder, photographed via VERITAS Resonance Imaging (right).

Special Containment Procedures: Containment of SCP-3739 is focused on the introduction of a stable competitor product to gain a foothold in the paranormal market..This market, as it pertains to the dairy industry, consists of the following competitors: Moosphere, Inc., Ambrose Thorn Valley, dado go, etc. To this end, Foundation front company Stratford Cattle Productions.Stratford Cattle Productions: A parascientific bovine research firm and designer cattle farm. is to manufacture and market a legally safe anomalous dairy product. Cattle engineers are to distill dairy milk using bovine gene pool manipulation techniques and conceptual form separation. The Department of Economics is to reintroduce 13% of all revenue into Stratford Cattle Productions, and 87% into various other Foundation revenue streams.

Meatspace Transitional Suppressor purification filters (or MEATS) are to replace normative methods and technologies used for gauging bovine health by 2025. Clinical trials and filter prototyping are to continue at Site-82 Command.

Description: SCP-3739 is a cognitohazardous vector spreading into human perception via hidden advertisements, which target the worldwide paranormal market. SCP-3739 manifests from the human noösphere.noösphere: The realm of memetic activity. The existence of free memes implies the noösphere has an existence separate from physical reality. The precise nature of this existence is poorly understood. For more information on the ecosystem of memes, see: Hoygull, F. (2015). Memetics and Chill: The Power of Virulent Thoughtforms. SCP Foundation Journal of Memetics and Informational Hazards, 48(3), 192–207. as Moosphere, Incorporated: A gestalt thought-based dairy corporation that presents the threat of an impending CK-Class restructuring event.

Moosphere uses microscopy technologies — ordinarily used to transmit images visible only at 300 microns — to produce invasive cognitohazardous catchphrases (designated SCP-3739-1). SCP-3739-1 instances are brand archetypes that anchor themselves onto symbols and signals already embedded in the consciousness of humanity. Transmission occurs when humans are unconscious: SCP-3739's archetypes and its related bovine motifs are only visible in REM sleep.

Digital reconstruction of milk curdle build-up (blue).

(Hover to enlarge.)

Moosphere's mass neurological advertisement campaign connects to a chain of legitimate products — both real and dream-based — produced by the human subconscious and esoteric sources. A significant sum of Moosphere products come from the neural and memetic pathways of its market base.

Moosphere ectoentropically generates 31% of its flagship product, Mind-Milk™, from the hypothalamus and pineal gland (hormone release centers) respectively, while a metaphysical source secretes the remaining 69%. Regular consumers of Moosphere products develop milk curdle build-up on portions of cerebral tissue, which further influences consumers to use Moosphere products but does not otherwise negatively affect their health.

▷ WARNING: Memetic Ad Quarantined

△ Viewing secured

Flagged on 2024-02-29 @ 08:00 AM (UTC−05)

ADDENDUM 3739.1

EXPERIMENTATION LOG

Site-82's Memetics Research Group C mail-ordered Moosphere company products for testing. Researchers selected Chocolate Mind-Milk™ due to its popularity and unique production process. Testing occurred with the goal of understanding Moosphere's use of literary archetypes in marketing, manufacturing, and product sales.

Each Chocolate Mind-Milk™ packaging contained.Alongside a dairy-based pun on the carton inset. the text "What was your Mind-Milk™ experience like?" with an attached phone number. Researchers consumed the product daily (before a full night's rest) over a 10-day period. Personnel noted any recurring dreams or motifs in a Standard Dream Report before relaying them to the phone line.

Within two to five business days, each of the researchers encountered the following archetypal representations:

Archetype 01: Trickster

Moosphere expression
Outreach Specialists

Moosphere manifestation
Moosphere mascot "Jackie the Clown Cow" (SCP-3739-1-A) appeared to researchers. Subject possessed a lean bovine appearance and wore a mask resembling a fennec fox. Subject danced in the air, emitting bovine vocalizations and showering researchers in soy milk.

Archetype 07: Mother

Moosphere expression
Mammary Mothers

Moosphere manifestation
See Addendum 3739.4.

Archetype 08: Wounded Child

Moosphere expression
Child Curdles/Coagulated Children

Moosphere manifestation
A group of 15 "Child Curdles" (SCP-3739-1-C) appeared at the Research Group Supervisor's home at 4:07 AM. All subjects had varying levels of injuries and appeared as golden age animated cartoon characters..Hand-drawn, rubber hose animation dating back to the 1920s. One of the instances, self-identifying as "Creamy Charlie", recounted dairy-themed parables at 90 decibels. Most notably, the Supervisor's daughter, age 7, was diagnosed with hypocalcemia.hypocalcemia: A medical condition wherein a patient has too little calcium in the blood. three weeks prior.

Archetype 14: The Flood

Moosphere expression
N/A

Moosphere manifestation
Researcher Mathias dreamt of a biblical flood sending tsunamis of milk into population centers. Upon reporting the motif to the phone line, an automated voice said "Please hold" before expelling milk from the receiver at 1 L/minute. This ended after five minutes when Mathias severed the phone line. Dream aligns with designated MF-Class "Spilled Milk" Scenario on the catastrophe classification list.

ADDENDUM 3739.2

HISTORY, DISCOVERY, AND RECOVERY

Aswan Low Dam c. 1906.

(Hover to enlarge.)

Egyptian Foundation personnel first became aware of SCP-3739-1-type neural advertising during the October 1952 survey of the upper Suez Canal. While conducting initial geological testing for the Aswan Low Dam renovation, Suez Canal Company workers accidentally breached an underwater chamber, releasing a flow of viscous white fluid. Workers 15 meters from the Lake Nasser embankment made physical contact with the fluid and experienced immediate glossolalia..glossolalia: The phenomenon of speaking in an unknown language. Known colloquially as "speaking in tongues."

Language interpretation officials.The Suez Canal Company employed a multitude of national and international specialists during its pre-Suez Crisis management of the Suez Canal region, which includes American, British, French, Saudi, and Egyptian nationals. identified the glossolalia as pre-Ptolemaic Era Egyptian. The phenomenon affected one Maat Mohamed (designated Person of Interest #11366) for the next three days. Mohamed later underwent medical evacuation at St. Sophia's Asylum — a Foundation-owned medical facility — under the guise of demonic possession affecting his memetic health. He became the first recorded vector for SCP-3739-1 phenomena.

The following is a translated excerpt of a key phrase spoken by Mohamed:

"Bat,.Bat: The name of a Middle Egyptian goddess associated with femininity and fertility, typically depicted as a cow or ox. my Earthly mother. She leads me out of the depths of my head. She says it is nutritious. Should I siphon the teat?"

Whilst in the recreational room at St. Sophia's Asylum, Mohamed imitated marketing jargon from commercials and shows played on television. He produced SCP-3739-1 marketing jargon after viewing Coca-Cola advertisements..Corporate advertisements used minor compulsion memetics (which POI-11366 was likely affected by) until the UNGOC Extranormal Advertisement Act passed in 1961. Moosphere falls outside legal jurisdiction because of its location in metaphysical space. A week into his inpatient stay, Mohamed lactated, flooding his room. Mohamed displayed no further anomalous properties over the course of his month-long psychiatric containment.

Three months after his release, Mohamed fled Egypt, escaping Foundation surveillance. Local law enforcement discovered his apartment abandoned, containing the following materials:

Publications by Fyodor Dostoevsky and Sigmund Freud.

Books on cattle farming and entrepreneurship.

Several documents indicating plans to establish a dairy farm.

A bathroom containing 200 liters of curdled milk in the sinks, toilet, and bathtub.

The Foundation became aware of Moosphere in 20██ following a sudden influx of online and television advertisements flagged with memetic and cognitohazardous properties. The advertisements drew a similarity to POI-11366's behavior, prompting a formal investigation. The Department of Analytics tracked Moosphere company presence for several years but could not locate physical operation locations.

As of 2023, Moosphere has reported a total global workforce of 61,000 employees. With anomalous control of an estimated 1% of the noöspheric market share, their product manufacturing output has a capacity 100 times a company of its size.

In June 2023, Analytics Management deployed field operatives (impersonating FDA inspectors) to multiple Eastern Wisconsin dairy farms flagged with irregularities. The following is one such inspection.

▷ Recovery Log 3739.2 ◁

△ Recovery Log 3739.2 △

VIDEO LOG

[BEGIN LOG]

(NOTE: Keys for format: Time | Source of Sound)

0m 00s | [Field Agents Smith and Wollensky are inside a police car, driving on roads intersecting cornfields and distant barns. They pass fence posts outlining a ranch where ranchers wrangle up grazing cattle. A black warehouse, brown domicile, and red-walled livestock facility come into view. Wollensky eases the ignition and halts the vehicle near the facility before they both dismount.]

1m 21s | [The ranch manager comes out to greet them. Behind him, farmhands haul cheese and milk products onto a forklift.]

1m 31s | Agent Smith: Hi there! Are you Gordon? Gordon Kazinsky?

1m 35s | Gordon Kazinsky: My friends call me Gordon. You're with the FDA, aren't you?

1m 40s | Smith: Yessir. You can call me Smith, and this here is Wollensky. He's my deputy.

1m 46s | [Wollensky nods. Smith extends his hand. The manager blinks and shrugs.]

1m 50s | Smith: You mind if I call you Gordon anyway?

1m 54s | Gordon: You can call me Curdles the Cow for all I care. I just want to get back to work.

2m 02s | Smith: This'll be a real quick inspection.

2m 04s | Gordon: Right.

2m 07s | Smith: We'll hardly take much of your time. Hell, we passed by a Costco on the way here, so if you fine gents want some Coors Light after toiling in the sun all day, you can have some. We had a few cases we were taking back for tonight anyway.

2m 25s | Gordon: That right?

2m 27s | Smith: Absolutely, Gordon. Free of charge.

2m 30s | Gordon: Well bud, if that's the case, consider that smudge of manure near the entrance your "welcome mat." I'll show you around.

2m 38s | Smith: Wollensky's going to look at things out back near the warehouse. Again, for the sake of expediency.

2m 45s | [Gordon gestures his hand toward the livestock facility, and Smith proceeds inside. Wollensky paces toward the black warehouse while nearby farmhands congregate, throwing brief glances at him. Wollensky's headset picks up children's laughter, but his body camera displays no children.]

3m 19s | Gordon: You're here 'cause of that weird CGI Photoshop nonsense they got on LiveLeak, ain't you?

[Whilst speaking, Gordon gesticulates. His right palm brushes against Smith's body camera. Video capture becomes obfuscated with a sticker of Jackie the Clown Cow. Audio reception from the headset remains operational. Smith fails to notice.]

SMITH'S POV | AUDIO ONLY

3m 25s | Smith: Pardon?

3m 26s | Gordon: I can assure you, that was Dave. Always used to believe in "guerrilla marketing," that man. Look, I can tell you this: Our quality assurance has gone untarnished for twenty-some-odd years.

3m 38s | Smith: Dave?

3m 40s | Gordon: [He chuckles.] My former partner in crime.

3m 45s | Smith: Registrar indicated he bought the farm first before dual-ownership.

3m 49s | Gordon: It's just me now. Dave had a run-in with corporate. Nice guy and all, but he had to transfer.

3m 57s | Smith: While the "advertisement" he marketed is a… Concern that I'll bring up later, we're primarily here for — well, let's see. [Pause.] Ah, loud noises heard in the middle of the night, run-off going into the lake over yonder. The one you use, that is. That sort of thing.

4m 14s | Gordon: Complaints? By whom?

4m 17s | Smith: [Pause.] Can't say, Gordon. I actually got a missing person's report on your business partner. Dave, isn't it?

WOLLENSKY'S POV

4m 23s | Unidentified Farmhand: We use the most up-to-date technology to produce the finest four gallons of dairy product this side of state. Before we pasteurize it, even! Ever taste it raw?

SMITH'S POV | AUDIO ONLY

4m 24s | Gordon: [Toneless.] It's Mister Kazinsky to you.

4m 27s | Smith: Now isn't that shooting yourself in the foot?

4m 31s | Gordon: How you reckon?

<LOG CUTS UNEXPECTEDLY>

WOLLENSKY'S POV

12m 47s | [The facility's slide doors are open. Farmhands mix viscous fluids of varying color.]

12m 52s | [The ranchers gather around the two agents. They greet and lead them through the slide doors.]

<LOG CUTS UNEXPECTEDLY>

SMITH'S POV | AUDIO ONLY

41m 28s | [Smith is deep in conversation with Gordon and the other ranchers, querying how they produce their product. Ranchers relay cognitohazardous advertisement jargon to him.]

<LOG CUTS UNEXPECTEDLY>

WOLLENSKY'S POV | VIDEO ONLY

Image captured by Wollensky's camera, time-stamped 3h 35m 15s.

(Hover to enlarge.)

NOTE: Wollensky appears to have lost his headset. His view displays visuals separate from audio. Command received the audio with high amounts of white noise.

3h 34m 51s | [Camera captures aged concrete walls inked in white hieroglyphics. Wollensky moves forward and shines his flashlight onto dusty IBM 702 computers stationed on plastic-folding tables, each divided by cubicle walls. The camera pans downward and captures puddles of white liquid on hay-covered floors and manure.]

3h 36m 04s | (COM): [A group of children laugh.]

3h 36m 07s | [Wollensky stops, directing his mounted flashlight on a child. The camera shudders. The child giggles and shakes their head. They hold up an index finger, pointing. Wollensky rears his head toward a vacant location then turns back. The child flees, skipping across hay-covered floors and manure.]

3h 36m 16s | [Wollensky follows. The child darts to the left corner. The manure displays countless footprints of varying shoe sizes impressed into it.]

<LOG CUTS UNEXPECTEDLY>

WOLLENSKY'S POV | VIDEO ONLY

4h 44m 41s | [Unknown person(s) apply a hot glue gun from above view. Wollensky's arms struggle against fifteen small, pale arms pressing against him. The body camera falls to his feet.]

4h 44m 58s | [A copious amount of white liquid drips from Wollensky's ears.]

<LOG CUTS UNEXPECTEDLY>

UNKNOWN CONTEXT | AUDIO ONLY

??h ??m ??s | (COM): [Gurgling sounds emit for approximately 12 hours. Various moans, bovine and human, are audible periodically. This occurs until the audio equipment runs out of battery.]

[END LOG]

RAISA POST-INVESTIGATION NOTICE

When a retrieval task force arrived at the farmland, the facilities were vacant, save for an undulating 1.7-meter-wide udder. The udder, branded with the initials "M.M." on its lower end, emitted male vocalizations akin to sobbing.

The current whereabouts of Agents Smith and Wollensky are unknown.

△ Recovery Log 3739.2 △

▷ WARNING: Memetic Ad Quarantined

△ Viewing secured

Flagged on 2024-02-29 @ 08:11 AM (UTC−05)

ADDENDUM 3739.3

INITIAL INTERVIEW

▷ Interview Log 3739.3 ◁

△ Interview Log 3739.3 △

VIDEO LOG

INTERVIEWED: Jacob Drauss, Head of Internet Outreach, Moosphere, Inc.

INTERVIEWER: Dr. Michael Handler

DATE: 10 June 2023

NOTE: Simurgh.aic intercepted various social media pages and local news articles with advertisements connected to SCP-3739-1 phenomena. An internet forensics team back-traced the IP addresses to a defunct compound in Bellevue, Wisconsin, which a unit of Mobile Task Force Eta-33 ("Don't Have a Cow, Man") members raided. The unit found Jacob Drauss in a state of unconsciousness and under duress, with intravenous pumps injecting white liquid into his bloodstream from emptied milk containers.

[BEGIN LOG]

[Jacob Drauss regains consciousness 90 minutes after the start of the raid. Recording begins as Drauss leaks milk from his left ear canal at an approximate rate of 300 mL/minute.]

Jacob Drauss: Ah fuck, all over the kitchen!

Dr. Michael Handler: This is your house?

Drauss: Yeah, man. I work from home.

Dr. Handler: Noted. [Aside.] Grab a bucket, please.

[A member of Eta-33 places a bucket at Drauss' side, catching the liquid.]

Drauss: We don't have time for this. They're going to be here any minute!

Dr. Handler: Well then, the clock is ticking, Jacob.

Jacob Drauss: What else do you need? You got my ID, my background check, academic certs, tungsten ring…

Dr. Handler: My hands are tied. You'll have to play ball with us.

Drauss: Playing ball means I won't be able to sleep without several gallons of milk pouring out my nostrils and mouth, goddamnit.

Dr. Handler: That's a risk you're willing to take. [He taps on a folder on the desk.] Freedom's right within reach, Drauss. More than I can say for those poor sods you personally trapped with memetics. [He opens the folder, flipping through birth certificates and passports.] We have a nice little home for you, out by the pier with Little Mary and Jonesy — the four of you under a nice little carousel. You're taking out little Mary's favorite treats from a picnic basket; the sun's caressing your shoulders; the sand kernels are wedging between your toes. [He slams the folder shut.] Come on, work for it! Work for your new life.

Drauss: You make sure you protect them after I'm gone, you hear? CEO's gonna assimilate me for revealing his secrets. [He grunts.] There's that udder you found. At the warehouse, right?

Dr. Handler: Any others?

Drauss: Couple. It's emergent aeonian bio-organic paratech. Or in other words — the CEO expects his workers to become his product. Black warehouse, brown doors? With the cat poster, right? Yeah, that was Dave. Great guy, but not smart enough to avoid the CEO's ire. Tried to reveal what was going on anonymously and thought he was protected because he had fuckin' NordVPN on. [He shakes his head.] The last message he sent me said he got "transferred."

Dr. Handler: E-mails we intercepted on the company intranet confirm that message was sent not too long ago, but we couldn't trace it back to any known source. We also couldn't find any technologies capable of doing that to your friend.

Drauss: That's because it's in here. [He taps his temple.] It's like this. Imagine a valve being affixed to a piston. Or an artificial ventricle filled with blood, forming a unique mechanism capable of muscle contraction. We dreamt up our heat exchangers to pasteurize that damned dairy.

[A large disembodied udder manifests in the corner of the room behind Drauss.]

Dr. Handler: The floating udder, Drauss?

Drauss: [He covers his face with his hands, disrupting the flow. He exhales.] Fuck!

Dr. Handler: [Aside.] You didn't bring the MEATS,.Meatspace Transitional Suppressors (MEATS): Provisional containment modules used to contain metaphysical threats. did you?

Eta-33 Lead: We'll handle it. Just keep talking to the perp.

Dr. Handler: Alright. [Pause.] Jacob, how does someone get into this business?

Drauss: Handler, was it?

[Dr. Handler nods.]

Drauss: Well, Handler, you know how they operate. It's all between-the-lines, through subliminal catchy slogan bullshit, brand deals, seasonal sales, et cetera. Once you get into it you can say bye-bye to whatever goodnight's sleep you had before.

Dr. Handler: Before this, you were a full-time Lyft driver. Can't imagine you were getting much sleep on those long nights out anyway. What's with the change in occupation?

Drauss: I was conscripted. See, it starts slowly. You get fatigued. So, you put a little more cheese in your diet, maybe pour a little more skim milk in your decaf. Espresso won't work. Pills won't work, and some days you collapse from exhaustion. And when the coma hits? [He drops his palms to his lap.] That means you're hired. Your subconscious isn't your private property anymore, understand?

Dr. Handler: So then how did you propagate the advertisements? You were physically incapable of doing any typing from what I could tell.

Drauss: Yeah, those? Written in legally distinct arcana via the amygdala: Drafted in emotion and fear, so they can't get sued by competitors in the Marketplace of Ideas.

Dr. Handler: What else did you witness?

Drauss: After I was employed, it was all about Moosphere Mind-Cubicles™, Moosphere-branded Mind-Staplers™, Mind-Utilities™, Mind-Slaves™, Moosphere Grazing Barns™, and a "district manager" with six leaky tits. I was busy filing tax returns for these primordial bovine entities. These– these things that expect you to drink yourself into oblivion. Oneiroi's Kangaroo Kourt system isn't going to recognize Staff mistreatment or unions if Moosphere did it on company grounds.

[The floating udder undulates. Sounds of retching emerge.]

Dr. Handler: On company grounds?

Drauss: The Marketplace of Ideas isn't a lie, Doctor Handler. That domain exists, and you're a part of it, whether you like it or not.

Dr. Handler: How do you mean?

Drauss: I need you to listen very carefully when I tell you this. [He sits up straight and sighs.] You should know that there are only two types of people in this world. Those of us who drink Mind-Milk™, and those of us who secrete it.

[END LOG]

NOTE: Mr. Drauss has refused to answer any further questions about Moosphere, his position in the company, or the Marketplace of Ideas. My team and I have taken him into limited protective custody for psychological evaluation and his own personal safety.

—Dr. Michael Handler

Foundation Public Relations

△ Interview Log 3739.3 △

ADDENDUM 3739.4

EXPLORATION LOG

▷ OPERATION: LACTOSE INTOLERANCE ◁

△ CODENAME: How the Udder Half Lives △

VIDEO LOG

FOREWORD: On 24 June 2023, a livestream containing surreal bovine imagery was posted to YouTube, triggering Simurgh.aic. The livestream, entitled "Sights of Wausaukee, Northeastern Wisconsin," displayed normative footage of the town's attractions interspersed with shocking imagery of large, writhing, gelatinous bovine masses. Simurgh.aic could not determine a geolocation and blocked the stream.

Foundation officials investigated Wausaukee as part of a mandatory sweep for anomalous threats. An attached crew of field pataphysicists detected an aberrant mass of 150,000 individual bovine memes in and around the town, most of which centered on a 640 m2 area. MTF-Eta-33 members initiated further investigation, and with the help of pataphysicists, tracked the memes to a nearby warehouse at the town's outskirts.

A raid on the facility was scheduled for the following evening. Aware of the pataphysical findings, Site-82 Command became convinced of a likely risk to civilian populations and authorized the use of esoteric materials to combat potential oneiric threats and anomalous dairy entities.

EXPLORATION TEAM: MTF-η-33

TEAM MEMBERS:

η-1 / Samara Maclear

η-2 / Eli Hall

η-3 / Allen Foxglove

TEAM NOTES: Task force specialists were selected based on:

Their teamwork skills.

Pataphysical markers pointing to their archetypal significance, necessary for an operation of this nature.

EQUIPMENT:

Three sets of standard Spectra-fiber body armor. Each set is fitted with multiple built-in body cameras, a transmission stream, and headset.

Infrared night-vision goggles.

Three M4 carbines.

One tactical astral projection kit and subdermal sigil (carried by η-1).

One reconnaissance drone and a remote controller (carried by η-2).

One breach kit (carried by η-3).

SCP-3863-1-type milk-honey, 250 mL.

PREAMBLE: A small team of MTF-η-33 specialists deployed via combat search and rescue helicopter. On arrival, the cast iron and steel roofing were partially collapsed, leaving a large breach above the warehouse.

[BEGIN LOG | 09:47 PM]

«9:47:» η-1 and η-3 hold position outside the front entrance. η-2 operates a quadcopter drone over the exposed roof.

«9:50:» The drone enters a dimly lit interior containing 25 docile cows inside compact rooms, guarded behind slide-doors. The cows display fitted metallic portholes on their left flank and udders.

«9:52:» Manure and hay compositions surround a hole directly beneath the roof's breach. Gelatinous purple tubing networks lead out of the hole and crisscross between compact cow stalls.

«9:57:» The drone feed captures generic farming utilities, fertilizer, and seed bags.

«9:58:» Small outlines move within bushes near η-1's camera. η-1 shines her flashlight at the location of movement. After a moment, η-1 states, "Negative sighting, remain alert."

«9:58:» η-1 gestures an "all-clear" signal. η-2 places the drone on auto-pilot and nods to η-3. η-3 installs a breach charge at the facility's front doors. The three pile behind a breaching blanket.

«9:59:» The charge detonates. η-3 enters the facility, followed by η-2 and η-1.

«10:01:» The team proceeds through a tight windowless vestibule into a wide foyer. No persons are present within, and the interior lacks light sources. Team members activate night-vision.

«10:04:» The team makes a thorough sweep of the area, and two-thirds of the way down, turns left. They encounter a door, ajar, to an open office space. The office displays hundreds of laminated posters, each sporting motivational messages overlaid onto stock images of persons consuming dairy products.

«10:06:» η-1 discovers milk leaking from the ceiling. Drone feed captures undulating movement from no discernible source. η-2 whispers, "It's coming from everywhere."

«10:07:» η-1 takes a milk sample, enclosing it in a rally bag. The milk emits a faint green bioluminescence.

«10:08:» η-3 leads the team into an antechamber at the back of the office and claims he "smells a sulfuric scent." η-1 activates electro-photonic sensors and registers aetheric radiation.A byproduct of aetheric energy, which powers all Thaumatology. leaking from an adjacent chamber.

«10:09:» η-3 pushes into the next chamber, which is filled with curdled milk. η-3 opens a metal door, drawing his carbine. A cow comes into view, mooing. Aetheric emission flows from its posterior, consistent with bovine flatulence.

«10:11:» The team returns to the foyer, traveling east through winding halls.

«10:15:» A tremor shakes the facility, followed by a long bovine vocalization. η-1's milk sample vibrates and grows ten times in volume. She abandons the sample.

«10:18:» η-3 reports a 3-meter-wide teat intersecting through support columns. The teat leaks faint green fluids.

«10:19:» η-1 makes incisions into the teat, revealing more flesh within. The flesh gurgles and pushes through the incision, consuming the cutting implement. She abandons cutting operation.

«10:20:» The drone views cows either fleeing from, or charging toward, an indiscernible point.

«10:23:» η-3 heaves open frosted double doors into a massive chamber ~20 meters in height that slopes downward toward the center. A writhing light brown udder (hereafter "Udder") of indeterminable width fills the chamber, producing hundreds of large teats, which stretch and collapse. Sleeping persons, presumably employees, levitate mid-air and upside down in groups of three around smaller teats. Cream cheese flows in bulk from their craniums down into a giant subterranean tank below.

«10:24:» η-2's drone captures footage of a cow falling from an upper walkway, yelping. A moment before striking the floor, the Udder trembles. The cow contacts the floor in slow-motion and dissolves into a translucent white liquid. This liquid flows toward the room's center.

«10:25:» Additional cows follow until all 25 have fallen. Newly transmogrified fluids spray the team members.

«10:27:» A pale, floating pink udder (SCP-3739-1-B) approaches the trio. η-1 recoils, clutching her temples — she receives a telepathic payload. η-1 asks, "What do you want?" The entity undulates as if laughing and approaches the team. η-3 fires on the entity. In due part to its apparent metaphysical nature, it does not take damage.

«10:27:» η-1 and η-3 share a nod. η-3 then stands at guard in front of her, and η-2 steps beside him. η-1 sets down her tool kit and unpacks it. She burns incense and reads an excerpt from her personal dream journal.

«10:28:» The entity sports multiple arms that unfold from within each other and into view. It grows an attractive, plump face, spewing off-white fluids from its mouth. With a giggle and piercing shriek, it says, "Your mother wants you to finish your milk."

«10:29:» η-2 trains the drone on a fleshy off-color sack near the middle of the Udder's anterior face. η-3 levels his carbine, waiting to fire.

«10:30:» η-2 says, "I'm lactose intolerant," and curses the entity with reductionist profanities. The drone registers natural chemosignals.Pheromones used to convey emotion and directions to those under its effect. emerging from the entity (hereafter "Mother"). Fifteen smaller bovine entities with the appearance of animated cartoon characters (SCP-3739-1-C, hereafter "Children") separate from the Udder. Ten Children bombard η-2 with runny cream cheese projectiles. Others siphon fluids directly from the Mother and chant: "Eat it! Eat it!"

η-2 refuses to comply.

«10:31:» η-1 strikes a match, burning her thumb tip. She thumbs her tactical sigil, and then downs the milk-honey. Her body goes limp. An astral body sprouts up from her physical body's chest and flips toward the Mother. She grabs at loose teats and pulls.

«10:32:» η-2 is fully covered in cream cheese but refuses to consume it. The Children drag him toward the Udder, causing him to drop the remote control as he fights to be freed. They force a leaking teat into his mouth. He has no choice but to comply.

«10:33:» η-1 combats the Mother. Both scream, trading blows. η-3 walks to the Udder, aims, and fires at the exposed fleshy protrusion. He yells, "You're not real." The flesh goes erect and sprays raw milk at him. He consumes the milk at will, downing liters without apparent stress.

«10:34:» η-1 spirals and pirouettes through the air, faster than the Mother. It squeezes green liquids at her. She grabs a teat and stretches it with ease. The Mother screams in shock, deflates, and then falls to the floor. A palpable wet smack echoes throughout the room. The entity finally becomes tangible, leaking the rest of its fluids.

«10:35:» η-2 is no longer visible. The large Udder shakes and spills raw milk into the vast room. η-1's astral body reconnects with her physical body. She ditches the astral projection kit. η-1 and η-3 escape.

[END LOG | 10:35 PM]

EXTRACTION: Post-log footage taken autonomously from η-2's drone records η-2 screaming in distress. This occurs for roughly 30 minutes as the warehouse fills with milk.

Near the end of the footage, η-2 emerges naked, and a disembodied cattle branding prosthesis marks him on the upper thigh. He shudders, mooing. The prosthesis spots the drone, extends, and emits electricity from a cattle prod, frying it.

△ CODENAME: How the Udder Half Lives △

RAISA POST-INVESTIGATION NOTICE

Between 12 October and 19 October 2023, a wide-scale interrogation campaign across U.S. farmlands reveals that over 3,100 oneiric advertisements coerced dairy corporate executives, regional managers, and ranchers to sign away rights to their dreams.

On 21 November 2023, several hundred livestock facilities experience bovine and human inflation. Like the entities seen in OPERATION: L.I., body fluids became replaced with a voluminous amount of non-anomalous milk product. MEATS filtration and conventional FDA regulations fail to contain public knowledge of oneiric dairy products. Wisconsin dreaming is the first to be assimilated. The REM sleep of thousands of citizens becomes irreversibly altered.

On 30 January 2024, Pennsylvania and Washington dreaming are assimilated. The REM sleep of thousands of citizens becomes irreversibly altered. Despite reintegration attempts made by Stratford Cattle Productions (via top-selling beef and yogurt products implanted with gustatory memetic agents), large numbers of civilians from these regions support CEO M.M.'s presidential campaign, with running mate VP Jackie the Clown Cow.

On 9 February 2024, the CEO of Moosphere interrupts all of Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and Washington's major telecommunication broadcasts with a payload of cognitohazardous advertisements. Moosphere employs affected populations by force. Televisions broadcast the following:

[BEGIN LOG]

CEO M.M. descends onto a podium, cranium inflamed. He sighs. He opens his mandibles and a bovine eye atop his brow. Cream cheese secretes from the two orifices. Palpable dripping and sloshing sounds are audible for the next three minutes and twenty-seven seconds.

Undulating, it thinks.

[END LOG]

▷ WARNING: Paused Footage Quarantined

AMNESTIC INOCULATION FAILED

MTF AND PARAPHYSICIANS DISPATCHED

Time-stamped: 2m 59s

— 2024-02-29 @ 08:29 AM (UTC−05)

See Also:

Milk Hub

Spilled Milk

SCP-6705 - The Bicameral Milk

SCP-4475 - So Long, and Thanks for All the Milk