Item #: SCP-4201

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: The town of Agloe, New York, and the surrounding 15km must be completely evacuated of all life and kept empty except for Foundation research bases. Any Foundation bases set up within a 15km radius of SCP-4201 must be built to withstand a nuclear detonation of at least 20kt. Contact with PoI-4201-A or PoI-4201-B is not allowed under any circumstances unless necessary to the survival of humanity.

Any unauthorized persons attempting to enter within 15km of SCP-4201 must be detained and amnesticised.

Any new weapon or tactic detected in SCP-4201 is to be logged and studied. Replication of and use of SCP-4201's weaponry is under consideration by the O5 council.

Should SCP-4201 escalate to a level beyond Foundation control, all Foundation bases within a 20km radius of SCP-4201 are to be evacuated and action 47-Gamma-19H is to be enacted. Any potential Foundation allies such as the GOC or UIU are to be contacted and a temporary alliance is to be requested with the goal of neutralizing SCP-4201.

Description: SCP-4201 is the designation given to the conflict between 2 pizza parlors based in the municipality of Agloe, New York. Through unknown means, SCP-4201 has escalated to extreme scale. SCP-4201 is fought with armies of anomalous composition that follow a pizza theme.

SCP-4201 is fought by 2 pizzerias: Mario's Pizza de Delizioso and Agloe Hot Slice, the military forces of which are designated SCP-4201-1 and SCP-4201-2 respectively. Both restaurants utilize different weaponry and tactics that appear to be based on the theme of the actual restaurants.

SCP-4201-1's military force is primarily composed of homunculi made of pizza ingredients such as dough, cheese, and toppings, which comprise the main infantry and cavalry of SCP-4201-1. The combat doctrine of SCP-4201-1 is similar to the military from the Napoleonic war era, with foot soldiers armed with bayoneted rifles supported by cavalry and artillery. SCP-4201-1 is led by Mario Bianchi, the proprietor of Mario's Pizza de Delizioso1. PoI-4201-A has animated the forces of SCP-4201-1 using unknown anomalous means. Military efforts of SCP-4201-1 are typically led by PoI-4201-A, who rides into battle on an equine construct and uses anomalous pizza-based abilities to support forces in combat.

SCP-4201-2 uses much more modern techniques of battle such as planes and more advanced firearms. SCP-4201-2's army and artillery are mainly comprised of drones and robots, all of which are themed around tools and appliances found in a pizzeria, such as pizza cutters and ovens. The owner of SCP-4201-2, Kevin Kelderburt,2 also acts as a general for his respective side. PoI-4201-B fights using a large mechanical suit of armor modeled after his own appearance and has several pizza-themed weapons affixed to it.

It is currently unknown how SCP-4201 was started or how SCP-4201-1 and SCP-4201-2 were able to obtain the resources necessary for a conflict of this scale. For further information on this topic, please see document-4201-17-A.

Addendum-1: Document-4201-17-A. The following is documentation recovered from SCP-4201 pertaining to its creation and existence.

+ Document-4201-17-A

- Codename: The Agloe Tragedy

Document Recovered
Date Printed on document
Content

Agloe Herald
8/23/1997
Grand Opening of Agloe Hot Slice! Today is the grand opening of the hip new pizzeria known as Agloe Hot Slice! Reactions to the opening of Hot Slice are mixed. The homegrown Mario's Pizza de Delizioso has been operating in Agloe for over 35 years and has ingrained itself within the culture of our town. While some are upset, believing Hot Slice will put Mario's out of business and ruin the beloved eatery, most are glad that the opening of Hot Slice will break the monopoly Mario's has had over the pizza market in Agloe. The new owner and operator of Agloe Hot Slice, Kevin Kelderburt, had this to say over the idea of ruining Mario's business: "I've lived in Agloe my whole life, and Mario's has been my go-to place to get some food with friends since middle school. I have a great respect for Mr. Bianchi (The owner of Mario's) and I'm not planning to try and destroy his business. But a little competition in the food business is good for the quality of both competitors, so I hope the opening of Hot Slice will help make Agloe pizza market all the better!"

Agloe Herald
9/13/1997
Exclusive interview with Mario Bianchi, owner of Mario's Pizza de Delizioso! After the opening of Agloe Hot Slice, the pizza business in Agloe has been absolutely booming! Both the new Hot Slice and old favorite to many Mario's Pizza de Delizioso have been doing great for the past 2 weeks! Following our interview with Kevin Kelderburt, the owner of Agloe Hot Slice, on the 23rd, Mario Bianchi has asked to get an interview with The Agloe Herald. Mario's Pizza de Delizioso has been in operation in Agloe for over 35 years and has consistently been able to put all rival pizzerias out of business through the sheer quality of the pizza made, even being able to topple the Goliath of the industry Pizza Hut! When asked on his opinion of Agloe Hot Slice, Bianchi has this to say: "I've been running Mario's for over 3 decades at this point. I've tried Hot Slice's stuff and I must say, it's the best pizza I've ever tasted from a competitor. But its got nothing on a good ol' Mario's classic slice! I welcome Kelderburt to try and compete with everyone in Agloe's favorite pizza, but he's going to have to step up his game to the big leagues if he wants any piece of the pizza pie!"

Agloe Herald
9/17/1997
Agloe's pizza market is heating up fast! Ever since 8/23, a war has been going on. Not one fought with guns and bombs, but one fought with pizza and advertising. As almost everyone in Agloe should know, a new pizzeria known as Agloe Hot Slice has recently opened up to widespread critical acclaim. Agloe has had a very interesting history when it comes to pizza places. For most of us, when we think "pizza", we think Mario's. Mario's Pizza de Delizioso has been operating in Agloe for over 35 years and continues to be a favorite for many to this day. Mario's has proven time and time again to be the top dog when it comes to Agloe pizza. Since its opening, Mario's has successfully put 5 other pizzerias in Agloe out of business. Back in 1989, Mario's was even able to snuff out the McDonald's level behemoth that is Pizza Hut. However, Agloe Hot Slice seems to be a different beast. Since the announcement of Hot Slice back in July, you couldn't go anywhere without seeing an advertisement for Hot Slice. This aggressive marketing has done wonders for Hot Slice's business. In the first week alone, Agloe Hot Slice had over 7,000 customers! When you consider Agloe only has a rinky-dink population of 10,000, Hot Slice's numbers are staggering! It's like everyone in Agloe is hypnotized by Hot Slice! (Below this article was an advertisement for SCP-4201-2, reading " 'It isn't possible for a pizza to be perfect' - Someone who's never tried Agloe Hot Slice.")

Agloe Herald
10/3/1997
Freak thunderstorm rocks Agloe! As everyone should know, Agloe isn't prone to much extreme weather at all, but we still get out fair share. And last night's massive thunderstorm is enough of a share for an entire year! Starting at 6 PM, the mild drizzle that had been sporadically coming down suddenly roared into a shower of biblical proportions! Lasting until the late hours of the night, the rain came down with so much force that several homeowners reported holes being torn in their roofs! And if the rain doesn't scare you, the lightning has you covered! Local meteorologist Christina Mackarline reported over 700 lightning strikes in the surrounding 5-mile area. The two most notable places being affected by the storm were our two local pizzerias, Mario's Pizza de Delizioso, and Agloe Hot Slice. Hot Slice took a major beating during the storm, with a record 50 lighting bolts striking the newly-made establishment. Luckily for Kevin Kelderburt, the owner of Agloe Hot Slice, he was prepared for weather on such a freak scale, reportedly having installed over 20 lightning rods onto his establishment. Comparatively, Mario Bianchi, the owner of Pizza de Delizioso, probably didn't even know a storm was going on. Mario's and the surrounding area were left nearly unscathed by the storm. No lightning struck in the area and barely any rain was reported. It's as if Zeus himself has a stake in the warring feud between Mario's Pizza and Hot Slice.

Agloe Herald
10/14/1997
Locals report strange happenings at Mario's Pizza de Delizioso! Last night, two local teenagers reported seeing strange, human-like creatures to local police. The story given to us goes as following: Local teenagers Jeffery Aristeel and Justin Copper, both 16 years old, were walking around town from a friend's apartment at around 11:23 PM. When the pair passed by local pizzeria Mario's Pizza de Delizioso, they noticed something strange about the eatery. The Agloe Herald was able to contact Justin Copper about what was seen. "So, Jeff and I were walking down the road to our houses, and we pass by Mario's, and notice the lights are on. Everyone knows Mario's closes at 9 PM sharp, so seeing the lights on near midnight was strange. We decided to check out what's going on and try the front door. It's unlocked. So we walk into the place, and we see Mr. Bianchi. He's at one of the booths with the comfy chairs with a bunch of pizza slices, and he's lighting a bunch of candles and chanting some creepy gibberish s###. He grinds up some red chalk or something and blows it all over the pizza slices, and I swear to f###### God, the f###### pizza thing came to life! It sat up, looked around, and saw Jeff and I. Then it, like, caused a mouth to form where the head slice was and starting doing this creepy-a## screech at us! Mr. Bianchi noticed us and started screaming at us to leave and ran after us. We f###### booked it out the door and ran like hell home!" Local police are doubting the validity of the story, as most should be doing. Local police chief Craig Hanson has this to say: "It's clearly just a bunch of hooligans using some of those horrible drugs and tripping out! My squad and I will be conducting a search on these miscreants later in the week!"

Agloe Herald
10/16/1997
Ads for Agloe Hot Slice plastered all over Agloe! Following the disturbing reports about Mario's Pizza de Delizioso, it seems Agloe Hot Slice wanted to up the ante on weirdness. Overnight, almost every square foot of space in Agloe has been covered by advertisements for Agloe Hot Slice. It's currently unknown how Kevin Kelderburt was able to place so many ads in the span of only one night, but he somehow did. In related news, over 70% of Agloe's population has visited Agloe Hot Slice since the appearance of the Hot Slice advertisements, with many people reportedly never coming back out. Unfortunately, Agloe Herald staff have not been able to go in and come back out yet, so specifics about Hot Slice itself have not been gained yet. The Agloe Herald will keep you informed on any developments of this crisis!

Agloe Herald
N/A
(The entire page is filled with the phrase "ALL HAIL KEVIN". The writing on the recovered document is mostly obscured by advertisements for SCP-4201-2, reading things such as: "AGLOE HOT SLICE LOVES YOU. JOIN US", "EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT. EAT.", "COME BE WITH US. COME BE WITH US. WE LOVE YOU.", and [COGNITOHAZARD EXPUNGED].)

Addendum-2: On March 23, 2017, Foundation radios picked up what appeared to be a conversation between PoI-4201-A and PoI-4201-B. The following is a transcription of the conversation.

<Begin Log>

PoI-4201-B: [Unintelligible] -ghting this pointless war for nearly twenty years now and you still refuse to surrender? What's the point of even continuing?

PoI-4201-A: Do you even understand what you're saying? I'm Mario Bianchi, everyone loves my pizza! I can't let you win and take all my custo-

PoI-4201-B: All of your customers are dead! Everyone is fucking dead! We're fighting for NOTHING.

PoI-4201-A: Oh, you would say that! I know you hypnotized all my customers into eating at your terrible restaurant! I'm not stupid enough to fall for that!

PoI-4201-B: YOU'RE calling ME out for shady business practices? You've murdered every single one of your competitors with your black magic bullshit!

PoI-4201-A: I need to stay on top so everyone can enjoy a nice Mario's sl-

PoI-4201-B: EVERYONE IS DEAD, YOU SENILE IDIOT! WE'VE ANNIHILATED THE SURROUNDING TEN MILES OF LAND, AND YOU'RE STILL OBSESSING OVER YOUR PIZZA PLACE? YOU ABSOLUTE SCUMBAG!

PoI-4201-A: You think you're so entitled to the moral high ground? You brainwashed every single person in Agloe to eat at your restaurant and make your metal abominations! You hypnotized my WIFE! There's no way in hell I'm letting you live!

PoI-4201-B: I'M GOING TO FUCKING SHOVE MY ARM SO FAR UP YOUR RECTUM THAT YOU'LL LEGALLY BECOME A SOCK PUPPET!

PoI-4201-A: You know a lot about creating puppets, huh? I'm sure your own parents are busy making some new kind of robot dinosaur or something.

PoI-4201-B: I- you- that- SHUT UP!

PoI-4201-A: Oh, big boy Kevin can dish out all his threats and crap, but he gets all angry when he takes it? You sniveling coward, trying to steal MY town? 'Oh, Mr. Bianchi is such an inspiration to me! Ehh, I want to work with him!' You've never stepped foot in my pizzeria. You don't care about the people, the pride, the art of making cuisine! You're a corporate shill, trying to take out the local's favorite so you can be on top, and get rid of all the pizza in the world?

PoI-4201-B: YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING YOU DIRTY GUIDO!

PoI-4201-A: What did you just call me? I'LL CHOKE YOU TO DEATH WITH YOUR OWN URETHRA, YOU DISGUSTING HUSK OF A MAN!

PoI-4201-B: I DARE YA TO DO IT, GRAMPS! YOU AIN'T BALLSY ENOUGH TO DO ANYTHING!

Both PoI-4201-A and PoI-4201-B continue to scream at one another for approximately five hours.

<End Log>

Closing Statement: Following this interaction, both SCP-4201-1 and SCP-4201-2 have used far more aggressive and destructive tactics in battle. This change in behavior has not affected the stalemate between SCP-4201-1 and SCP-4201-2.

Footnotes

1. Designated PoI-4201-A

2. Designated PoI-4201-B