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SCP-3305: The Father, The Son, And The Holy Toast

When they pass around the crackers during communion, they aren't kidding when they say that's the body of Christ.

This SCP is dedicated to Taylor and Joy, who helped me get this stupid, stupid picture.

Author: Captain Kirby

SCPs

SCP Number
Rating

SCP-3393
1308

Captain Kirby's Proposal
819

SCP-4514
670

SCP-3448
622

SCP-5552
598

SCP-3844
534

SCP-3388
492

SCP-3866
447

SCP-5003
442

SCP-3305
411

SCP-3449
388

SCP-4877
387

SCP-4321
351

SCP-016-J
281

SCP-7100
277

SCP-3123
239

SCP-3393-EX
229

SPC-1057
223

SCP-3511
211

SCP-6007
200

SCP-3633
193

SCP-4925
192

SCP-4479
189

SCP-3767
174

SCP-4316
166

SCP-4775
143

SCP-4034
139

SCP-5877
118

SCP-5448
111

SCP-3650
103

SCP-3203
70

SCP-5779
63

SCP-3405
55

SCP-3481
52

Tales

Title
Rating

The Nuclear Option
548

Impossible-To-Destroy Reptile
492

In The Clutches Of Life
397

Numbers, Like Stories, Never Die
335

The Tombstone of Alto Clef
264

Tales of the Ethics Committee: 5 Reasons The Foundation Wants A Robot Army
235

Excerpts From The Societal Census Programme ΩK-Class Report
233

With The Reaper On Retirement
230

Do You Remember Funerals?
174

From The Clutches Of Life
155

Where Death Used To Live
151

Project Damnerung
148

Hello, My Name Isn't
146

Don't Get Used To It
143

The Many Portraits Of Jack Bright
140

Group Date
140

Monochrome
132

Hundred-Year Favor
125

Even The Most Masked Of Men Become Themselves Behind Closed Doors
113

You Have 18 Unread Messages
102

Everyday Is Somebody's Birthday
97

The Shape of a Noose
76

A Failed Two Weeks Notice
69

Pink Cracks in a Digital Wall
66

'Til Death Do Us Part
65

Rocks And Trees Are Not Good Company
64

Tears of a Neon God
57

Poky And Pal Scheme Together
55

A Eulogy In 11/8 Time
53

Carnivores
53

Is Anybody Home?
53

Poky And Pal Arm Themselves
49

Virtue
46

When It Rains, It Pours
45

God-Knows-Where
39

I Felt Numb
39

It's A Nice Day Out
38

Attempts To Salvage Thought
36

I Am Wonderful
33

Outrun
29

They Are Not Laughing With You
28

What Is There To Do With A Pot Of Gold?
27

Containment's A Beach
22

GOI Formats

Title
Rating

Captain Kirby's Proposal, Or Something
191

My Head Is On Fire And I'm (Not) Ok
102

Project Proposals 2004-013/2014-114/2024-072: "Losing Your Cool"
71

You may also like:

SCP-3250 - Jesus Fried Chicken by minmin and LilyFlower

Public knowledge of the substitution of Kentucky Fried Chicken's secret "Eleven Secret Herbs and Spices" recipe is to be suppressed.

SCP-3166 - You Have No Idea How Alone You Are, Garfield by Tanhony

The exterior layer of SCP-3166's body resembles a crudely-made costume of the character Garfield, which field inspection has shown to be composed of legitimate cat fur. However, analysis of SCP-3166's composition in the field has shown that its interior mass is composed entirely out of pasta: specifically, lasagna.

Picture of SCP-3305 confiscated during Event SCP-3305-A

Item #: SCP-3305

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: MTF Gamma-84 (Holy Toasters) are to be permanently stationed at SCP-3305. All personnel attempting to gain access to SCP-3305 without prior approval are to be detained, administered Class-A amnestics, and released.

Should SCP-3305-1 manifest, it is to be detained by MTF Gamma-84 and transferred to Site-19, where it will be stored in a standard humanoid containment chamber. Protocol Judas is to be executed in the event of a containment breach meeting the required criteria.

Open Protocol Judas

Close Protocol

Protocol Judas was a method of containment proposed by Dr. Teller to successfully detain and terminate SCP-3305-1, while causing minimal physical and psychological damage to those under its effects. This is only to be considered in the event of a containment breach where SCP-3305-1 is summoned, and has made contact with a civilian population.

Phase 1: MTF Gamma-84 will bring a D-Class person with an ailment (from now on referred to as the Patient) to a building near SCP-3305-1. All smoke detectors inside the building will be disabled, and the Patient must be kept in a room which is not visible to the outside. Airplanes equipped with the suitable amounts of gaseous Class-B amnestics shall be positioned near the civilian population.

Phase 2: MTF Gamma-84 will request the assistance of SCP-3305-1 in healing the Patient. It is imperative that no civilian personnel be allowed inside the building with SCP-3305-1. Given the nature of SCP-3305-1, if the request is made in earnest, it will comply.

Phase 3: Once the Patient has been cured by SCP-3305-1 and cleared the premises, MTF Gamma-84 shall incinerate SCP-3305-1.

Phase 4: The airplanes shall dispense the Class-B amnestics over the civilian population.

Phase 5: MTF Gamma-84 is to perform a survey of the civilian population to identify individuals who retain memories of SCP-3305-1, and administer Class-B amnestics as needed.

Description: SCP-3305 is a collection of five trees in the ██████████ Forest with slices of white bread stapled to them. All attempts to remove the bread from the trees have failed.

If a particular ritual is performed at SCP-3305 (See Document SCP-3305-R), then a humanoid composed of bread will appear (SCP-3305-1). SCP-3305-1 will offer parts of itself to eat, and puncture itself to produce wine to drink. This bread and wine have restorative properties, as individuals who have consumed them report being cured of all physical and mental illnesses.

All individuals who consume part of SCP-3305-1 worship it, as well as bread in general. The form of this worship varies highly between individuals. Similarities between this effect and those observed in SCP-3250 and SCP-2867 are under investigation.

While amnestics can successfully erase memories of interaction with SCP-3305-1, subjects under SCP-3305-1’s effects still believe in the existence of SCP-3305-1, and will continue to worship bread. Only after SCP-3305-1 has been terminated do amnestics become effective at erasing all memories regarding SCP-3305-1.

Additional Documents:

Open SCP-3305-R

Close Document

Materials needed: Fifty loaves of white bread, 3.79 liters of red wine, a virgin, 18.14 kilograms of homemade dough, 14.4 cubic centimeters of flour, 3.79 liters of gasoline, matches, and a Bible.

Lay the loaves between the stapled pieces of bread to form a pentagram. (This will require all fifty loaves, assuming each loaf is approximately 30.48 centimeters long).

Pour wine over all of the loaves of bread.

Move the virgin into the center of the pentagram.

Cover the virgin with the dough, so none of the virgin’s skin can be seen.

Sprinkle the flour over the virgin, and all loaves of bread.

Douse the virgin in 3.03 liters of gasoline, and each piece of bread in 0.19 liters.

Ignite all 5 pieces of bread.

Ignite the virgin.

From the Bible, read aloud verse Mark 14:22-24.

After the dough rises, it takes the form of SCP-3305-1. It is unknown what happens to the virgin, as all testing indicates SCP-3305-1 is made entirely of bread and wine.

Open Event SCP-3305-A

Close Document

The following is The Foundation’s current understanding of what occurred during Event SCP-3305-A. All information was gathered from SCP-3305-1, local authorities before being amnestied, and Foundation personnel present.

Day 1: An unknown group performs the ritual described in document SCP-3305-R. SCP-3305-1 manifests and is led to an abandoned church near the small town ██████. He is hidden for the rest of the day.

Day 2: During the morning mass, wine and bread from SCP-3305-1 are served to attendees. 80% of ██████ was present, and consumed part of SCP-3305-1. At the end of the sermon, SCP-3305-1 introduced itself. All civilians in attendance acknowledge SCP-3305-1 as the personification of a deity. A banquet was held, using bread and wine from SCP-3305-1.

Day 3: SCP-3305-1 visits the rest of ██████. Those who appear to be afraid of SCP-3305-1 are reprimanded against the anomaly’s will. SCP-3305-1 feeds one civilian afflicted with Alzheimer’s Disease a portion of itself. The civilian claims a miracle has occurred, and can now remember his past clearly.

Days 4-7: Those who refuse to consume part of SCP-3305-1 are discriminated against by approximately 40% of those under the effects of SCP-3305-1. These individuals are often refused service, and are called “Gluten-Free”. SCP-3305-1 is unaware of the abusive treatment. Each night, SCP-3305-1 offers pieces of itself for consumption. It is estimated that 90% of the town have consumed a portion of SCP-3305-1 by Day 7.

Day 8: Joseph Westing, the inventor of the “Gluten-Free” slur, announces the creation of The Westing Church of Wonderbread. Its tenets are similar to those advocated by SCP-3305-1, however, they believe that “White bread is a superior bread”. 40% of ██████ joins The Westing Church of Wonderbread.

Day 9-11: Members of The Westing Church of Wonderbread become increasingly hostile toward “Gluten-Free” civilians. On Day 11, the Patrickson family is forced out of ██████. The accounts of the Patrickson family are the first reports The Foundation has received regarding SCP-3305. MTF Gamma-84 is sent to investigate.

Day 12: Members of The Westing Church of Wonderbread attack a bakery. Two civilians are stabbed to death with sharpened, stale baguettes, and four are beaten with the same weapons. SCP-3305-1 publicly denounces The Westing Church of Wonderbread. MTF Gamma-84 arrives at ██████. MTF Gamma-84 detains SCP-3305-1, and requests transport for SCP-3305-1 to Site 19.

Day 13: While attempting to administer amnestics to the residents of ██████, The Westing Church of Wonderbread riot. Four Foundation employees and twenty civilians are injured. After the altercation, Class-B amnestics are successfully administered to the rest of the population. SCP-3305-1 is interviewed by Site 19 personnel. See SCP-3305 Interview Log for the full transcript.

Day 14: Residents of ██████ return to worshipping bread, referencing SCP-3305-1. The individuals responsible for The Westing Church of Wonderbread create another organization called The King’s Hawaiian Congregation. When asked about this, SCP-3305-1 replied, “They can still feel my presence, so they still know. Although, what more is faith than a feeling?” Dr. Teller requests the termination of SCP-3305-1.

Day 15: Site Director Rogers approves Dr. Teller’s termination request. SCP-3305-1 does not resist personnel during the process. SCP-3305-1 is terminated via incineration.

Day 16: The aviation division of MTF Gamma-84 administers a gaseous amnestic to the residents of ██████ via an air drop. The rest of MTF Gamma-84 surveys the town and administers amnestics to those who did not encounter the gaseous amnestic. All memories of SCP-3305-1 are erased, and all evidence that SCP-3305 exists is confiscated. MTF Gamma-84 is assigned to monitor SCP-3305.

Open SCP-3305 Interview Log

Close Log

<Start Log>

Dr. Teller: Hello. I'm sure you’ve been told that you’ve been brought here for questioning.

SCP-3305-1: I have. There is nothing for me to hide.

Dr. Teller: Well, it’s good to know you don’t feel uncomfortable. Can you tell me where you come from?

SCP-3305-1: I come from The Great Bakery. I have returned to once again enlighten men and women in the ways of The Baker, and to let them feast upon my body.

Dr. Teller: Returned? When were you here last?

SCP-3305-1: I know not the passage of time between my last appearance and now. I can say for certain that massive bounds in culture and technology have taken place. I am quite impressed.

Dr. Teller: Fair enough. What happened to you during your last appearance?

SCP-3305-1: I attempted to do the same as I did these past weeks. I brought bread, and urged people to break it with one another. The only difference was that back then, bread and wine were scarce, so I was considered a blessing and a miracle.

Dr. Teller: Do you not consider yourself those things?

SCP-3305-1: No, no. I’m just a humble butter knife, spreading the words of The Baker.

Dr. Teller: Do you feel pain when you tear off pieces of yourself?

SCP-3305-1: I do, but I have grown used to it. I have suffered for the masses in other terrible ways. Giving away my blood and flesh to feed the hungry is but a prick in comparison. Speaking of which, I believe I have not offered you any.

SCP-3305-1 removes a small piece of bread from its arm and offers it to Dr. Teller.

Dr. Teller: Thank you, but I ate earlier, so I’m not hungry.

SCP-3305-1: Very well.

Dr. Teller: Are you aware of the actions of a group called “The Westing Church of Wonderbread”? They were responsible for an attack on a bakery in town for selling, and I quote, “Whole Grain, the heathen’s bread”.

SCP-3305-1: I have.

Dr. Teller: Have you spoken to this group at all?

SCP-3305-1: Not directly, but I should have. I do not condone their message. Wonderbread is terribly bland. I much prefer Pepperidge Farm.

<End Log>