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SCP-4333: The Profligate

Author: CadaverCommander

Item#: 4333

Containment Class: esoteric

Secondary Class: tiamat

Disruption Class: amida

Risk Class: critical

Special Containment Procedures: Foundation financial surveillance network MIDAS is to remain on high-alert status and maintain continual broad-scope observation of the global economy for signs of SCP-4333's activities, including but not limited to:

Conspicuous acquisition of luxury goods by an individual with no discernible source of income

Accounts of paper money or other forms of currency being used in extravagant and potentially-anomalous displays at upper-class social events

Various Groups of Interest experiencing sudden and unanticipated economic growth, or referencing an unknown financial benefactor in intercepted communiques

Changes in the global economic landscape, such as large corporations suddenly merging or undergoing unexpected hostile buyouts.

In the event that a SCP-4333 iteration is confirmed, a Foundation strike force is to be immediately dispatched to bring SCP-4333 into custody or disrupt the integrity of its adopted persona in the event that apprehension proves impossible.

No facility expected to contain SCP-4333 at any point in the future will be staffed with any individual known to currently display dissatisfaction with their present financial status in conjunction with an Obedience and Loyalty Index score of less than 90. Personnel developing these traits are to be immediately transferred from any site capable of receiving, processing, or containing SCP-4333 for any amount of time.

Description: SCP-4333 is a humanoid entity of uncertain origin, with potent anomalous properties and unknown, potentially malicious intentions.

When observed by the naked eye or through a device not equipped with a MIMIR-class thaumic anti-distortion filter1, SCP-4333 appears as one of approximately 30 45 80 currently known anomalously-generated illusory guises, all of which are male, generally considered physically attractive by the prevailing standards of the society in which the persona is used, and in the apparent age range of 35 to 45. SCP-4333's clothing invariably consists of formalwear, typically expensive suits of various styles, and a pair of sunglasses.

When observed through a MIMIR filter or any other medium or means capable of negating anomalous perception-altering fields, SCP-4333 consistently appears as a human corpse in an advanced state of desiccation and decomposition2, with gold coins affixed over its eye sockets, an assortment of cut and polished gemstones filling its mouth, and a thin but complex golden crown, which features barbs that pierce the remains of its flesh in multiple places around the skull.

SCP-4333's behavior is distinguished by its primary anomalous property, which allows it to spontaneously manifest currency. There appears to be no observable limit to the means through which SCP-4333 can exert this effect, nor does there appear to be any constraint upon the frequency of its use or the amount/denomination of currency manifested at any given time. Observed examples of this include:

Repeatedly removing large bound stacks of paper money from an inside jacket pocket, despite there not being adequate physical space within its clothing to contain the amount removed

Remotely manipulating monetary databases to increase individuals' personal account balances regardless of any security systems used by the associated financial institution

Causing briefcases filled with banknotes to appear within postal delivery systems, which are then delivered to an intended recipient

Manifesting a large number of loose notes in midair near the ceiling of a given room and allowing them to fall en masse upon those present

Anomalously altering a nearby decorative fountain to emit a spray of coins from its spouts rather than water, despite neither the spouts nor the fountain's pumps being mechanically capable of conveying any substance other than liquids,

as well as a multitude of other methods ranging from the comparatively mundane to the overtly conspicuous.

SCP-4333 uses this ability to pursue an immoderate and sybaritic lifestyle, characterized by the overt and enthusiastic consumption of luxury goods and services including jewelry, automobiles, watercraft, private jets, resort visits, gambling, fine dining, designer clothing, art, premium tobacco and alcohol products, and hosting lavish parties at its various estates, as well as illicit indulgences such as unauthorized firearms and other weaponry, prostitution, and copious amounts of illegal drugs.

As a result, each of SCP-4333's assumed identities quickly establishes itself as a notable figure within the aristocracy wherever it resides, often posing as a wealthy venture capitalist or magnate with holdings in an esoteric or obscure industry. It will eventually infiltrate social clubs frequented by the economic and governmental elite, plying them with bribes in an attempt to influence them toward an as-yet unknown purpose. Its cover stories can be proven false with even cursory investigation, but are nonetheless rarely questioned due to its affluence and dynamic, gregarious personality. Official inquiries by government or law enforcement agencies into SCP-4333's illegal activities or the source of its wealth are seldom resolved, as it will bribe any or all investigating officials with whatever amount of money is sufficient to discourage further scrutiny. In the event that this fails, SCP-4333 will simply alter its appearance and abandon the incriminated identity before it is able to be detained.

Guises adopted by SCP-4333 thus far have been consistent until compromised, with associated birth certificates, passports, bank accounts, and other identifying documentation being prepared by SCP-4333 months if not years prior to the persona's use. False identities known to be used by SCP-4333 have been listed as citizens of a number of nations, including but not limited to the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada, Germany, France, Nigeria, China, India, Russia, Japan, Singapore, South Africa, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Peru, Brazil, and Chile, among others. Several of these personas have been observed to be used by SCP-4333 simultaneously, suggesting that SCP-4333 may be multiple distinct individuals or possess a decentralized consciousness which enables it to manifest in multiple places contemporaneously.

Due to its reliably grandiose spending habits and the availability of equipment capable of negating its perceptual camouflage, SCP-4333 has not proven difficult to track. However, it is aware of the Foundation's existence and intent to contain it, and has repeatedly used its inexhaustible financial resources in conjunction with prior planning to avoid capture and sabotage Foundation assets. SCP-4333 has applied various combinations of extensive bribery, body doubles, mercenary ambushes, assassins, obfuscating documentation, complex and frequently lethal traps, and even weaponized anomalous artifacts3 to divert investigative efforts and incapacitate Foundation strike teams.

The Foundation has, with the assistance of international government and law enforcement agencies, successfully captured SCP-4333 on three separate occasions, each of which resulted in a containment breach and the entity's subsequent escape. The first attempt ended in failure when the convoy transporting SCP-4333 to its prospective containment site was assaulted by a detachment of mercenaries4, which disabled the convoy's escort, extracted SCP-4333, and escaped before reinforcements could arrive. The second concluded similarly, involving a raid by a Chaos Insurgency strike force upon the secondary containment site where SCP-4333 was temporarily held for processing. A video transcript depicting the circumstances of the third and most recent breach follows below.

Date: November 3rd, 2013

Location: Processing Cell 04, Site-1885

Context: SCP-4333 intake interview, conducted by Level 3 Researcher Walter Briggs. SCP-4333 is in the guise of Donovan Edgeworth, a prominent English socialite, and is manacled to the cell's interview table. Researcher Briggs is equipped with a MIMIR visor. Site-188's security response force is doubled and on high alert in anticipation of an armed attempt to free SCP-4333.

(Researcher Briggs enters the cell and secures the door with his keycard, then sits in the chair opposite SCP-4333. Briggs silently consults SCP-4333's file and prepares a clipboard for several moments while SCP-4333 stares at him with an exaggerated frowning expression. SCP-4333 speaks first.)

SCP-4333: Clever. Very clever. Attempting to bore me into submission, are you? Well, I'll have you know that I've been bored by men three times as tedious as you, and I barely shed any tears at all. My tolerance of monotony borders on the legendary. Do your worst.

(Researcher Briggs briefly glances up from his notes.)

Researcher Briggs: You can relax, 4333. Nobody here but you and me, and I'm not likely to be impressed by your bravado. As far as your submission, well… you are chained to a table behind a locked blast door within a maximum security containment facility swarming with armed guards half a mile underground, so. Your submission would have been appreciated several years ago, but at this juncture I'd say it would be too little, too late, wouldn't you?

(SCP-4333 narrows its eyes.)

SCP-4333: Your point is unassailable. My situation does indeed appear to be hopeless. In light of that I suppose we ought to get to know one another, hm? Or is this one of those things where you say “There'll be time enough for that, you reprehensible fiend” and we sit here in resounding silence until one of us goes moldy? Which will be you, incidentally. I'm mold-resistant.

Researcher Briggs: Undoubtedly. We'll begin with this: What relationship do you have with the organizations known as Marshall, Carter, and Dark, the Chaos Insurgency, and Are We Cool Yet?

SCP-4333: You're sort of out of the loop, aren't you? What am I saying, of course you are, you literally work in a hole in the earth. Those organizations provide things called “goods” and “services”, many of which I like. They like money. So, I will oftentimes give them money, and they will give me the things I like. It's called commerce, you bleeding nitwit. Don't you have files on these people or something? I know you've got one on me, I can see it right there.

Researcher Briggs: Does assaulting heavily-defended Foundation assets and installations at the risk of life and limb for the sake of keeping you out of our custody count as “commerce”?

SCP-4333: Yes, actually. Well, sort of. Not only will I purchase the services of these peoples' fighting men to keep you all out of my hair, but I've earned a bit of sponsor's privilege with them. After all, I can't give them any more of my money if I'm behind bars, can I? It's mutually beneficial.

Researcher Briggs: This ties in to our next issue: can you share with us what exactly your plan was? With the multiple identities, infiltration of global aristocracy, obstruction of our investigations into your activities, and the flagrant use of your anomalous abilities to stockpile anomalous artifacts from dangerous criminal organizations, with which you freely associate and “sponsor”? What were your intentions? What was all this leading toward?

(SCP-4333 laughs.)

SCP-4333: Ah. I see. Well then. Seeing as how you're very very curious, and in all likelihood I'm going to be here for a very long time anyway, I might as well clue you in. In actuality…

(SCP-4333 leans forward in its chair slightly.)

SCP-4333: There isn't any fucking plan, you ridiculous bespectacled cretin, and there never was. Good lord, they were absolutely right about you lot, you know. You think that I pursue pointless luxuries, go to parties, rub elbows with upper-class idiots, live in mansions, purchase the most exquisite of whores and dump ludicrous amounts of drugs into my body analogue because I'm up to something? I'm having fun, you hilarious baboon. There I am, minding my own business as cool as you please, then suddenly you come along and goosestep all over my perfectly innocent sinning. You know, you could benefit from my resources just as much as the others do, but noooooo, we've all got to be just as obsessive and self-righteous as you are. Honestly, it's enough to give a man a cardiac episode, if I had a cardiac capable of being episodic. Or was a man.

Researcher Briggs: … Right. I'll put that down as “denies all allegations of malicious intent”.

SCP-4333: Yes, “denies all absurd and libelous fabrications concocted by paranoid shadow government”. Good. Excellent synopsis. Couldn't agree more.

Researcher Briggs: In that case, how do you explain the dozens of documents we've recovered from your estate that indicate citizenship of, recognition from, or fraternization with quite a few anomalous states? Some of these places are directly inimical to life on Earth, and others don't even appear to exist.

SCP-4333: Ha. Sure, just because you don't know how to get there, obviously the place must not exist. Because you lot are just the smartest ever. I could sit here for days on end describing the circumstances in which I've acquired those certifications. Each one is different. It depends.

Researcher Briggs: Samothrace?

SCP-4333: Lovely place. Beautiful sunsets, clear, warm air. Women as saucy and spicy as the food. Bit violent, people sort of angry about something all the time, but that's true pretty much anywhere. Did a favor for the Shah, bailed him out of a tight spot, now we're chummy. Pretty straightforward, really.

Researcher Briggs: New Kalmaris?

SCP-4333: Cagey lot. Not very fun, honestly. But could be a useful hidey-hole at some point, considering how dreary it is. Not for you, though. I gave the Lord Protector something trivial I bought from a different world, thought it could be useful in their little war. Now he thinks I'm some kind of god. Sort of ironic.

Researcher Briggs: And we have one here for… The Republic of Arnold Fitzwilliams?

SCP-4333: Ahahaha, yes, that brings back memories. Bit of a stuffy place, a little obsessed with protocol and the like, but there's actually quite a bit of fun to be had once you crack the nut. Those people are surprisingly filthy once you talk them off their high horses.

Researcher Briggs: Our data indicates that Arnold Fitzwilliams is a delusional individual with ontokinetic properties.

SCP-4333: Sure, from where you're sitting. You have to sort of… squint. With your mind. It's hard to explain and not really within your purview.

Researcher Briggs: Here's an interesting one: Apparently you are, somehow, an honorary “Blood Adjutant” of the Daevic Empire? That's… highly suspect. And probably a fabrication, considering the Daeva don't exist in this timeline.

(SCP-4333 pinches the bridge of its nose and sighs.)

SCP-4333: I'm going to end up repeating myself quite a lot if you insist upon the ad nauseam. From your perspective, the Daeva do not exist. I do not care about your perspective, nor do I operate within it. I already know what you know about them and yes, when they do come back, and they're going to, each and every one of you is genuinely, truly screwed. Which is why I've been going to their parties and showering their queens and princesses with otherworldly tributes and gifts for the past few hundred years. Because I don't want to be screwed along with the rest of you.

(Pause. Researcher Briggs consults his notes.)

Researcher Briggs: At this juncture, would there be any point in me asking how you supposedly get to any of these places? Or, for that matter, what the source of your anomalous abilities is? Or your species, if such a word even applies here? You strike me as the type that generally needs to stew for a while before he's willing to open up.

(SCP-4333 leans back in its chair.)

SCP-4333: Well. I guess you've got me pegged, don't you? You know, you could've done one of your little thaumic scan things and figured out about 80% of that information. I've attempted to be honest, but it really seems to me that your only objective here is to waste as much of my time as possible. And I can't honestly say I appreciate that very much. Time is money, after all. And you're beginning to get expensive, Mr. Briggs.

Researcher Briggs: … I never told you my name.

(The chamber's magnetic locks audibly disengage.)

SCP-4333: Ah. Right on cue.

(Briggs stands from his chair.)

Researcher Briggs: What? No, there's a fucking anomaly in this chamber, reengage that fucking maglock, now! Can nobody read schedules anymore? Or see fucking lights?!

SCP-4333: Seems like security around here is a bit more lackadaisical than you led me to believe. Haha. Well anywho, this has been an absolute barrel of laughs, but I really ought to get moving. Things to see, people to do, you know how it goes.

(SCP-4333 stands, causing its manacle chain to shatter against its securing bracket. It continues to speak while tearing the reinforced restraining units from its arms. Researcher Briggs falls to his knees and begins to retch.)

SCP-4333: Goodness. You're looking a bit under the weather! Before I go… I'll let you in on a little secret. You cannot shackle greed, Mr. Briggs. It's something of a constant. Wherever there is life, there is want. And what's so awful about that? In the end, it's less pain to simply let yourself be happy, hm?

(Researcher Briggs attempts to raise Site-188 Security Command on his radio, but is unable to speak, apparently choking.)

SCP-4333: Wouldn't bother if I were you; local communications networks would have been the first thing they cut. You know, I meant what I said earlier. Really, all you had to do was look the other way. Leave me to my affairs, and I leave you to yours. Truly, I could have made each and every one of you profanely rich.

(Briggs vomits profusely, then slips in the fluid, landing on his side. Blood is visible in the ejecta.)

SCP-4333: Think of the technologies you could have developed with such wealth! Think of how much easier keeping these evils locked up could have been! And spare a thought for all the poor lives you could have saved! But… no. Rather than diplomacy, or foresight, or acting as proper ladies and gentlemen, you consistently chose another path. It's like this every time with you people. And I have to admit – it's gotten a little stale after all these years.

(Researcher Briggs continues to vomit. Intermixed with the blood and bile is an increasing number of solid objects, determined during breach recovery to be an assortment of banknotes, coins, and gemstones.)

SCP-4333: But look on the bright side - this time, you've hit the jackpot.

(A brief metallic tapping can be heard. SCP-4333 turns its head toward the door, sighs, and dismantles the last of the restraints on its arms.)

SCP-4333: Yes, yes, I'm coming. Open the door, will you? The fellow's been incapacitated.

(The chamber hatch opens, revealing a Foundation security operative in full battle armor, holding a standard-issue MX-402 combat shotgun, face hidden by their tactical helmet. Notably, the armor's ID number has been obscured by red spray paint.)

Security Operative: We should get going, sir, automatic lockdown circuits are going to cycle in four minutes- Eugh. That doesn't look fun. Oh, it's Briggs! What a coincidence! Hey Briggs, maybe next time do the right thing instead of being an awful piece of shit, huh? Something to consider the next time you're about to fuck a guy over, right?

(SCP-4333 wipes down its jumpsuit idly and inspects the bruises on its wrists before altering its appearance and voice to be indistinguishable from those of Researcher Briggs.)

SCP-4333: Now now, Lieutenant. Let's be good sports, hm? Mr. Briggs is quite beaten and he knows it, no need to rub it in.

(From the floor, Briggs is able to utter a sentence between retches.)

Researcher Briggs: You won't… get away with this.

(SCP-4333 laughs.)

SCP-4333: Get away with what, freedom? I'm getting away with it right now, you feculent little rodent. Once you're done down there, do tell your superiors that if they insist on pestering me, I'll have to pester right back. I've been very content up until now, but who knows? Maybe I'll get into politics this time around. How much can a government or two really cost? But we'll hogtie that centipede when we catch it, hm? For now I'd best be off. Until next time! Auf Wiedersehen!

(SCP-4333 and the rogue operative exit the cell.)

After an extensive investigation of Site-188's records, it was found that SCP-4333 had bribed Site Security Captain Alfonso Marquez and each of his subordinates6 prior to its arrival. Captain Marquez had been routinely denied a motion to migrate his Foundation health insurance coverage to his niece (Tatiana Marquez, 9), who was in need of an expensive and potentially life-saving medical treatment that Captain Marquez could not otherwise afford.7 Armed with this knowledge, SCP-4333 paid for the treatment, and was able to convince Captain Marquez and his division to defect as a show of defiance, promising them greater pay and increased benefits. It is not currently understood how SCP-4333 was able to acquire any of this information, and as a result an internal investigation into the possibility of a deeper administrative security breach is underway.

SCP-4333's identity and whereabouts are currently unknown. If left to its own devices, it is estimated that SCP-4333 will be capable of catalyzing an RK-Class “New Regime” Scenario, in which:

SCP-4333 uses its anomalous abilities to purchase entire sectors of the global economy

Takes advantage of its disposable identities and extensive resources to deliberately render its acquisitions insolvent

Politically capitalizes upon the resultant socioeconomic collapse, though a combination of bribery and campaign platforms centered upon economic recovery, which it could directly cause

Assumes a position of global authority following an international political restructuring, whether through economic pressure or military force.

As a result, the development of strategies leading to SCP-4333's hindrance or recapture has been reclassified as a Level 2 overriding priority, with a secondary focus on establishing diplomatic contact with SCP-4333 in the event that these countermeasures prove ineffective.

Addendum 4333-01: On June 14th, 2017, multinational telecommunications conglomerate AT&T Inc. finalized its merger with mass media corporation Time Warner LLC, despite the United States government filing an injunction to halt the merger, citing violations of anti-trust legislature and projected harm to consumers as well as economic insecurity stemming from such overt corporate consolidation. Foundation automated financial surveillance network MIDAS flagged this event as High Risk, and operatives were dispatched to investigate the transaction, with all involved parties placed under observation.

In the following months, it was discovered that multiple members of both AT&T and Time Warner's boards of directors as well as U.S. District Court judge Richard Leon8 were socially associated with one Gregory Albright, an independent venture capitalist known to be a significant shareholder of both companies. Previously captured surveillance footage of Albright was processed with MIMIR filtration, revealing him to be an iteration of SCP-4333.

Whether this is a coincidence or purposeful involvement by SCP-4333 is currently unconfirmed, pending further investigation.

Footnotes

1. Used to bypass perceptual illusions generated by a number of low- to mid-level anomalies

2. Appearing to have been deceased no less than 18 months and kept in a dry environment, when compared with similar non-anomalous corpses

3. Corresponding to types known to be produced or distributed by Groups of Interest such as the Chaos Insurgency, Are We Cool Yet?, Prometheus Labs, and Marshall, Carter, and Dark

4. Equipped with anomalously-enhanced armor/weaponry and exhibiting techniques characteristic of a Marshall, Carter, and Dark asset retrieval unit

5. A subterranean maximum security site used to contain humanoid anomalies which exhibit low/no physically destructive potential, yet pose a significant risk to the civilian populace or Foundation informational security via subtle or indirect means

6. The entirety of Site-188's security staff, a total of 89 employees

7. The internal claims handler presiding over this case was Senior Researcher Walter Briggs.

8. The presiding official who ruled in favor of AT&T against the United States Department of Justice, allowing the merger to proceed

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