by stormbreath

Item Number: SCP-2002-J

Object Class: Neutralized

Special Containment Procedures: Copies of this file are to be distributed to all individuals in the Foundation, and are to be declared mandatory reading. A documentary concerning the life and times of SCP-2002-J1 is in production, and will be screened for all Foundation personnel once completed.

Description: SCP-2002-J was a man incapable of jaywalking. Whenever SCP-2002-J attempted to cross a street in a fashion that would legally be considered jaywalking, a possible but statistically improbable event would occur to redefine said attempt to not be considered jaywalking.

SCP-2002-J was captured on August 4th, 2018 after repeatedly disrupting the flow of traffic in downtown Indianapolis with its anomalous capabilities. During this period, it was incoherently ranting about its supremacy over motor vehicle operators.

Interview Log:

[BEGIN LOG]

Dr. Jones: Hello SCP-2002-J. This interview is to establish the origin-

SCP-2002-J: I was sick of having to look both ways before crossing the street so I made a Faustian pact with a demon.

Dr. Jones: I-

SCP-2002-J: Worst part of my day. I hate looking for oncoming traffic. There are so many better things that I could be doing, like cutting to the chase and crossing the street unimpeded, without fear of motor vehicles that are being driven towards me.

Dr. Jones: Wh-

SCP-2002-J: Such is the burden of man! We find ourselves bound by traffic laws and regulations in the same way we find ourselves bound by death. Oh, how I long for a world without traffic laws, but unless a secret government project executed the conceptual personification of such thought, those wishes are hopeless. But perhaps there is another way for a single man to ascend‽

Dr. Jones: But-

SCP-2002-J: So I murdered a hobo and summoned a crossroads demon (the arbiters of the Fourth Circle of Hell, which is tar, specifically the tar of the road) and made a deal with him: my sole (and the hobo, but who cares about him) in exchange for total and unmitigated immunity to all laws of jaywalking.

Dr. Jones: You-

SCP-2002-J: And it worked! I am a demigod now (with the regard to the street)! The great deities of traffic bow before me, for I shatter their divine laws beneath my feet every time I use an intersection, and there is nothing they can do to stop my rule! My power is limitless! Let me ask you a question, and then provide the answer without giving you a chance to respond: Why did the chicken cross the road‽ TO DEFY THE HEAVENS!

Dr. Jones: For jaywalking‽ You sold your soul for jaywalking‽

SCP-2002-J: Just so we're clear that's the shoe one. I gave up one of my shoes.

[END LOG]

Testing Log:

Scenario: SCP-2002-J is ordered to cross the street when the sign is not lit.

Result: The sign becomes lit as soon as SCP-2002-J enters the roadway.

Notes: A simple baseline test of SCP-2002-J's anomalous effect. This is the most common result. — Dr. Jones

Scenario: SCP-2002-J is ordered to cross the street just after the pedestrian sign has changed from Walk to Stop.

Result: No change is immediately noted. SCP-2002-J is able to cross the street unimpeded, as all traffic had been halted for the purposes of the test.

Notes: Analysis of the Foundation's treaty concerning Site-19 with local government indicates that we are exempt from all of our host country's laws, and moreover, the Site-19 legal code never incorporated a clause to penalize the act of jaywalking. Therefore, under the jurisdiction of this test, jaywalking was never illegal. — Sheldon Katz, /s/

Scenario: SCP-2002-J is ordered to cross the street after the sign has changed. This test conducted within an urban area where jaywalking has been confirmed to be illegal.

Result: SCP-2002-J enters the road. As soon as it enters the road, preparations for a parade close the road three blocks away. It is determined that jaywalking is not illegal when the road has been closed.

Notes: Damn Confetti International and their Antimemes Day Parade! — Dr. Marachek

Scenario: SCP-2002-J is ordered to cross the street after the sign has changed in a region that has been verified to have legal stipulations against jaywalking. The surrounded area has been checked for parades and verified to not have any scheduled.

Result: SCP-2002-J enters the roadway. As soon as it does so, a law is passed by the local legislature, stipulated to go into effect immediately, that decriminalizes jaywalking.

Notes: I am unstoppable. — SCP-2002-J

Scenario: SCP-2002-J is ordered to cross the street after the sign has changed. The laws of the region have been verified to include prohibitions against jaywalking, and no pending legislature is in place to change such legislature. No parades or other events that would result in street closure are scheduled nearby.

Result: SCP-2002-J enters the roadway. As soon as it does, a meteor lands in the street, causing significant damage and resulting in street closure.

Notes: Dr. Jones was struck by the meteor, and fucking died. — O5-13

Scenario: SCP-2002-J is ordered to cross the street. The laws of the region have been verified to include prohibitions against jaywalking, and no pending legislature is in place to change such legislature. All lawmakers have been held hostage by Standard Political Slowment Plan 10292. No parades or other events that would result in street closure are scheduled nearby, and armed guards are in place to prevent spontaneous parading. An artillery unit has been set up near the test and is monitoring the sky for any atmospheric entry, ready to destroy any errant falling rocks. A contained thaumaturge forced into indentured servitude has been gang-pressed into compliance to ensure meteorological events do not result in street closure.

Result: SCP-2002-J enters the crosswalk. The light changes as soon as they enter. As they are crossing the street, they are struck by a motor vehicle that had illegally driven through the red light, fatally injuring SCP-2002-J.

Notes: And that's why you always look both ways before crossing the street, kids! — Dr. Clef

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE FOUNDATION OFFICE OF WORKPLACE HEALTH AND SAFETY. HAVE A NICE DAY.

Footnotes

1. To be titled: The Hubris of the Pedestrian

2. "Get an Old White Man to Fillibuster For a Couple Hours"