Figure 1: SCP-4694-L343 (Morphy Richards Turbo Steam iron model 40694 (AKA a “Likeness"))

Item: SCP-4694

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: Containment focuses on minimising civilian exposure to SCP-4694, discrediting the organisation through disinformation campaigns, and sanitising all references to SCP-4694 wherever they arise.

Where exposure has already occurred, anti-memetic deprogramming protocols within existing civilian cult/indoctrination survivor support networks should be utilised. All reindoctrination research results should be notified to the Lead Project Parapsychologist.

SCP-4694-L instances (see Figure 1) should be recovered where possible and secured in sight/sound-proof containers at the site most local to recovery.

There are no plans to contain the Cherished Leaders.

Description: SCP-4694 is an emergent para-dimensional phenomena manifesting in this reality as a multi-level marketing company (MLM).

SCP-4694 is characterized by an extreme personality cult built around the “Cherished Leaders,” an as-yet unidentified collective who direct and control members (known as “Associates”) through both mundane peer pressure, cult programming and anomalous positive/negative reinforcement.

The primary purpose of mundane MLMs is the generation of revenue through the recruitment of new members. SCP-4694’s primary purpose is unknown, although recovered media and promotional material suggests the importance of belonging and family values.

> PryMaid Media

Hide PryMaid Media

Infomercial:

Transcript: Female Voiceover: "PryMaid: the Generation of Happiness. Prymaid is the world's fastest growing company, with more than three million Associates in the US alone. Recognition Day is our way of saying, "Thank you for believing in us," but even more, "Thank you for believing in yourselves." As a Recognized Associate, you'll take part in self-affirming, positive action such as Family Blessings, corporate off-world learning opportunities and, if you're an infertile human male, familial role repositioning. PryMaid: the Generation of Happiness."

Visual Media:

PryMaid Promotional Material

Hide PryMaid Media

SCP-4694 Sub-classes:

New Associates (SCP-4694-A)

Exposed to mild-medium memetic effects comparable to indoctrination.

Recognised Associates (SCP-4694-RA)

Fully indoctrinated into the PryMaid organization.

Exposed to highly anomalous phenomena.

Likenesses (SCP-4694-L)

Morphy Richards Turbo Steam electric irons, model 40694.

Thought to act as a conduit between Associates and the Cherished Leaders.

Play a focal role in daily life.

The Cherished Leaders (SCP-4694-CL)

Locations, identities, numbers and motives are unknown.

It is not proven that the Likenesses and the Cherished Leaders are not one and the same.

To date, the Foundation has assisted the defection of fifteen Associates. None describe their experiences within SCP-4694 as out of the ordinary or unusual. In December 2016 field agent Aaron Zachary successfully infiltrated the organisation by befriending a known female Associate (codename "Autoship"); following is an extract of his outbound communications.

Date/Time:
Comms

2016-10-18 10:17
Now FB friends with Autoship. These guys usually recruit out of their social/ family/work networks so now I'm just waiting for the inevitable “money message."

2016-11-01 13:26
It’s here in my inbox - Autoship has an "exciting new lifestyle opportunity" for me – as expected, I’ve been invited to a “PryMaid Party.”

2016-11-06 21:57
PryMaid Party was… Odd. They just buy and sell electric irons to each other. At a cost of $3400 in set up costs I am now an Associate.

2016-11-24
Autoship set me my first challenge. Like homework. Write down nine things I want PryMaid to help me achieve.

2016-12-01
Challenge #4, write down 27 things I don't like about myself. Share on PrySpace.1

2016-12-25 19:11
Christmas. Autoship has irons in her kitchen, her bedroom, her bathroom. No TVs, just irons where the TVs should be. Her Nativity Scene? Three Wise Men overlooking an electric iron in a manger. An electric iron Baby Jesus. Go figure.

2017-04-27 06:30
We have a Recognition Day in June. I'll become a fully fledged Associate. God bless America. This week's challenge: Post a video about the top eight hundred things you hate most about the non-PryMaid authority figures in your life. Done and done.

2017-06-29 02:35
Final challenge this week: find all skin care products in the house and bury them. Random, but done. Recognition Day tomorrow. The Cherished Leaders are going to be there. The Cherished Leaders. I feel sick.

2017-06-29 03:37
We’re on the Greyhound. On our way. Butterflies, nausea, excitement. I’ll try to remember to record it for y’all. Can't wait to see the Cherished Leaders.

2017-06-30 06:27
Vegas. There are thousands of us here. Wow. Recognition Day. We’re actually going to meet the Cherished Leaders. My wife would love this. I know she doesn't get it yet, but she will.

2017-06-30 07:45
It's starting. Here we go.

:

> 2017-06-30 Recognition Day Audio-Visual Log

- 2017-06-30 Recognition Day Audio-Visual Log

Location: Las Vegas Convention Centre, Las Vegas, Nevada, US

Date: 2017-06-30

00:34:37

Agent Zachary and Autoship are standing in the front row of a large auditorium with a semi-circular stage immediately in front. A female self-identified as Janey Goodwill is addressing the audience. Zachary turns to take in a panorama shot; there are approximately eight thousand people in the crowd.

Janey Goodwill: How are you all today?

Cheers from the audience.

Janey Goodwill: Are you making money today?

Cheers from the audience.

Autoship: This is amazing! I always (indistinct).

Janey Goodwill: Do you know why you're here today?

Many indistinct responses from the audience.

Janey Goodwill: You're here because you're winners. You're here because you're PryMaid's newest stars - and talking of stars –

The auditorium lights brighten and a large projection screen displays the words "Is The Sky The Limit? NO SIR!"

Janey Goodwill: A whole load of science tells us that we are born of stars and suns and galaxy dust. We come from the stars. Isn't that something?

Audience cheers and claps.

Janey Goodwill: Where do we come from?

Audience responds with shouts of "We come from the stars!"

Janey Goodwill: Everything, from the tiniest flea to the biggest whale, comes from the stars. There are so many exciting business opportunities right now!

Audience claps and cheers. The screen displays the phrase "All Life Is The Same."

Janey Goodwill: All life is the same. All life is the same. Our message goes out to everybody, and everybody and everything responds to that message. Everybody loves us. If they don’t, they just don’t know it yet.

Applause.

Janey Goodwill: Or… (lights dim) Maybe there are those who really don’t love us. They know about belonging, but they don't belong. They know about love, but they don't love. They. Don't. Love. Do you want someone like that in your life?

Audience boos and catcalls.

Janey Goodwill: Negative thinkers? Cut them out. Just cut them out. They don't exist. They don't exist. Doesn't matter if it's your husband, your wife, your daughter, your pastor - even Jesus Himself. They will try to drive a wedge between you and PryMaid – between you and everything you love, everything you belong to, and they will bring you down. They will bring you down.

Audience jeers and catcalls enthusiastically.

Janey Goodwill: It's so important to fill your life with positivity. Positive people, positive messages - because negativity grows like a cancer, like an old man's cancer that spreads from a photograph taken at a wedding reception when he didn't even know he had cancer, and it engulfs everything. The people in the photograph, the photograph itself, the photo frame, the mantelpiece it sat on, the arthritic pet dog that moved too slow to escape the metastasis as it overtook the room… And then the walls, the roof… The whole house… Eventually the whole world. Eventually the whole universe. All riddled with cancer. All bloating and blossoming and bubbling away. And then who knows where.

Lights dim. The screen displays the message, "Apostasis - Downlines - Eternity"

Janey Goodwill: Positivity is a living thing. And when you lose positivity, it dies. Goes to an awful place, a terrible place, and it dies. If I showed you that place - you would know. You would know how important it is to follow our path.

The screen displays the message, "V-SC LC B7-M988-T935-H537 Welcomes New Guests Helena Jeffers, Abeo Akintola and [REDACTED]"

Autoship: That's me! Why's my name up there? I don't -

Janey Goodwill: - want that negativity in my life. Do you?

Audience murmurs; words are indistinct.

Autoship: What does that mean? Why's my name up there?

Agent Zachary: Special recognition? Maybe (indistinct).

Autoship: No. I don't - no, this doesn't feel right. This - can we - I want to go home. I want to go home.

Janey Goodwil: Truth is, some are already there.

Autoship: I want to go home.

Janey Goodwill: You turn away from PryMaid and all bets are off. All bets are off.

Autoship: Three point one four one -

For the next ninety six hours Autoship accurately recites Pi to 300,000 places. Janey Goodwill continues to present to the audience (details lost due to noise interference from Autoship). Neither Autoship's behaviour nor the time taken is acknowledged by Goodwill, Zachary or any other attendees at any point. After ninety six hours Autoship's vocalisations cease abruptly.

Janey Goodwill: (audio recording becomes clearer) - but that's why you're here right now. You're here to be recognised. You're here for Recognition Day.

Applause.

Janey Goodwill: You'll recognise - and be recognised by - other Recognised Associates. Today, you and your descendant/ascendant genetic material contemporaries will be forever bonded with the PryMaid family. It's like carrying a photograph of your wife or husband in your wallet or purse, but it's with you all the time. It's kinda like a secret handshake… But don't just take my word for it… Because…

Audience hushes.

Janey Goodwill: Because…

Audience becomes silent.

Janey Goodwill: Because… I have three very very very special guests here right now… I think it's fair to say I idolise these amazing, caring, generous guys. I think you will too. Thing is, they're kinda shy. Can you do something for me?

Audience cheers.

Janey Goodwill: I need all cell phones, all cameras, all recording equipment turned off. No exceptions, no excuses. We'll know if you don't.

Noise as a large number of cell phones are switched off.

Janey Goodwill: Thank you all. Now if you've taken any analgesics today, prescribed or otherwise, please make your way to the back of the auditorium where a designated helper will be able to assist. No exceptions, no excuses. We'll know if you don't.

Noise as a number of the audience move to the back of the auditorium.

Janey Goodwill: Okay guys… Are you ready to meet them?

Lights in auditorium start to dim. Audience erupts into applause and cheers.

Janey Goodwill: I said (shouting) are you ready to meet them? They've come a long, long way to be with us here today. So please, please, please give it up for the Cherished Leaders! Come on, make some noise! Let them know you love them!

Audience responds rapturously, including Agent Zachary.

96:56:06 All lights in the auditorium switch off. Multiple spotlights switch on and "sweep" over the audience whilst the screen rises away; behind the screen are revealed three 9 meter tall SCP-4694-L instances facing out towards the audience. The audience cheers. Video is lost from this point.

Voiceover: And now, a personal message from the Cherished Leaders…

The following abridged file contains 68 seconds of audio. The full recording continues for a further 131 hours. At the 227:26:02 mark, Autoship can be heard pleading for two minutes. The remainder of the audio consists of prolonged vocalisations of distress over repeated bursts of sibilance.

The audience applaudes throughout.

The recording ends at the 368:21:44 mark.

.

Agent Zachary has made no further attempt to contact Autoship, and Foundation operatives have been unable to reinitiate surveillance.

Within three weeks Zachary had recruited his wife, three children and extended family into the PryMaid organisation. On 2017-10-30 Zachary was amnesticized to remove sensitive Foundation knowledge and taken into Foundation custody.

The following is an excerpt from a series of interviews relating to his experiences within PryMaid.

> Interview w/Agent Zachary #034

- Interview w/Zachary

Date: 2017-11-11

Location: Site-83

Interviewer: Lead Project Parapsychologist Dr Jacob Bufirst

Interviewee: Agent Aaron Zachary (redesignation pending)

Notes: Zachary believes himself to be undergoing a self-funded post-Recognition Day orientation workshop.

Dr Bufirst: Hi Aaron. Today I'd like us to go through a typical day.

Zachary: Great. What day is it today?

Dr J Bufirst: Wednesday.

Zachary: Yeah, Wednesdays are special. Wednesdays we perform the Family Blessings.

Dr J Bufirst: Explain it like I’m new.

Zachary: I call it "Brand Loyalty." Cyndie thinks it's in bad taste but whatever. Wednesdays are like mini Recognition Days but just for us - myself, Cyndie, the kids. We use the basement. I put an icebox in and we were good to go.

Dr Bufirst: Why the basement?

Zachary: Easiest to soundproof.

Dr Bufirst: Soundproof?

Zachary: The Family Blessings really help us gel as a family – but you don’t get that without a few tears along the way. You know what five year olds are like.

Dr Bufirst: You mentioned an icebox?

Zachary: Yeah that’s for after the Family Blessings - after we've used the Likenesses.

Dr Bufirst: I don't follow. How do you - ?

Zachary: Easiest if I show you.

Zachary stands up and starts to unbutton his shirt.

Zachary: We all have the Likenesses in our homes. They watch over you in the kitchen, in the car, in the shower. Sometimes though that isn't practical. Can’t go swimming with a Likeness (laughs). This way the Cherished Leaders are always with you, always. Damn buttons.

Zachary fumbles with shirt and exposes torso, chest, shoulder and upper arms.

Dr Bufirst: You look normal enough.

Zachary: Yeah. I have to want you to see or you won't. After Recognition Day, you can see - you can recognise other Associates everywhere - you see it all over them - it's like we're taking over. You starting to see? Looks beautiful on the kids. You remember ”Brand Loyalty?” Well this bit's “Brand awareness.” Emphasis on brand.

Silence for seven seconds.

Dr Bufirst: Jesus God.

:

> Zachary Aftercare

- Zachary Aftercare

Figure 5: Zachary post-containment.

Zachary has requested access to an SCP-4694-L instance to continue the Family Blessings. Request is currently pending approval from the Ethics Committee.

On 2018-11-27 Zachary disappeared from his containment unit. He reappeared six hours later in a state of extreme distress; in his possession was a Televono Telefex Vivisect 4 smartphone, which he states he had been given to take video footage of a PryMaid "Learning Camp" at an unknown location. His disappearance was allegedly an unscheduled reward from PryMaid for "services rendered." He was unable to confirm the nature of his breach.

The following audio clip was recorded at the Learning Camp.

Transcript: Factory noise. Female Voiceover: "All life is the same. All life is the same. Work towards Freedom. Advanced Warning! Limb pruning in Sector 8-8-3-7-3-6-3. Please leave all surplus skin in the green receptacles. You are here because your unborn children betrayed you."

> Interview w/Zachary: Learning Camp

-Zachary Learning Camp

Date/Time: 2018-11-27 11:30

Interviewer: Lead Project Parapsychologist Dr Jacob Bufirst

Interviewee: Agent Aaron Zachary (redesignation pending)

Extraneous Audio Omitted.

Dr Bufirst: You've had quite the adventure. So what exactly is "Learning Camp V-SC LC-B7-M49-T957-H777"?

Zachary: It's a prison factory. A massive prison factory.

Dr Bufirst: Housing who?

Zachary: Everybody. Everything. Dead Associates making Likenesses forever. That's where we all go. I saw a girl - I didn't know her, she said her name was [REDACTED]. She said she knew me. I'd never set eyes on her before. She'd been there all her life. Her and her children. Begged me to help them.. She said, "All life is the same."

Dr Bufirst: Meaning?

Zachary: I saw pigs there. Pigs with iron burns all over their bodies, trying to make the Likenesses with their trotters. Fumbling, dropping them. Shitting themselves in fear. Christ.

Dr Bufirst: Anything else?

Zachary: I don't know how to say this… Do you recall Recognition Day? The talk Janey Goodwill gave about family?

Dr Bufirst: “You and your descendant/ascendant genetic material contemporaries will be forever bonded with the PryMaid family.”

Zachary: (nods) They gave me the phone to show you "the future that already exists." They told me to say, "You, your wife and unborn twins say hi."

At this point Dr Bufirst removes the phone from its portable unit, reviews its contents and becomes distressed. He is unable to continue and the interview is terminated accordingly.

Zachary is still in containment and still regularly requests an SCP-4694-L instance to perform the Family Blessings.

Addendum 1: I have a theory that no one else believes but I'll write it down here. Maybe it'll get reviewed and wiped, maybe it won't.

I think - I believe maybe whatever PryMaid is, it's huge. Vast. It spreads its thoughts, its feelers into the aquarium of our reality and taps the glass and watches as we skitter and dart back into the fake plastic seaweed like frightened little fish. And maybe we can leap up and out of one and into the next, but PryMaid are there too.

Maybe all the different realities are simply different fishtanks, side by side, some below, some above, some filled with water, some with blood. Some with fire, some with cement. I don't know. But PryMaid - or whatever they manifest as - is in all of them, or above or around them, and the weight of their unreality pushes, pushes down on ours.

I think the phone and the cancer anomalies - SCP-2982 and 2962 - hell maybe all the anomalies we've ever known - are just signs of SCP-4694 seeping in as all the fishtanks start to crack. And you know what? Sometimes those signs are horrific, blasphemous, soul-destroying; but sometimes they're not.

I guess that's the best I can hope for now, because Lisa rang me earlier today and told me I'm going to be a father. And one day my children will have children, and they will become PryMaid Associates and we will all end up in a Learning Camp forever, one big happy family.

So I guess I must take my comfort where I can. Take solace as all the Things That Cannot Be come squirming uninvited into our world and invite us to insanity. Sometimes the signs are horrible, inhuman, grotesque; but sometimes the signs fail in their purpose; sometimes instead of offering horror and grief, they offer compassion. Instead of hate, hope.

Sometimes they wipe our faces in their shit; but sometimes, just sometimes, they raise us out of it just long enough to know that our frightful, damaged little human lives are beautiful and noble and undefeatable.

That's my hope: that even though the vast majority of the things we see are nightmarish, sometimes they're not. Sometimes they're not..

To my grandchildren.

Dr Jacob Bufirst.

23rd December 2018

Footnotes

1. PryMaid social media network