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SCP-4659: Close Encounters of the Sardonic Kind

Author: barredowl

more from barredowl

Item #: SCP-4659

Object Class: Decommissioned

Special Containment Procedures: Due to the cessation of their production on behalf of the Foundation, SCP-4659 has been deemed effectively decommissioned; as such, containment efforts have been directed to the suppression of information relating to SCP-4659. A Foundation-operated bot (I/O-GATEWAY) has been put in place to extensively monitor online discussion boards and flag possible descriptions of SCP-4659-1 instances or SCP-4659-2. An MTF unit is to evaluate these claims and determine by a case-by-case basis whether the issuing of amnestics is necessary.

Description: SCP-4659 refers to a series of videos which periodically manifested on the hardwares of various computers over an approximate period of 05/15/2005 and 06/27/2005. These videos, individually designated SCP-4659-1-1 through -12, manifested on an estimated 15 computers per video, and all appear to be operated and produced by one individual, hereafter designated SCP-4659-2.

SCP-4659-2 is a vaguely humanoid entity which appears to reside in an extradimensional location currently unknown to the Foundation. Though it appears not to possess any means for visual observation, SCP-4659-2 demonstrates an ability to see, and instead of individual digits, SCP-4659-2 possesses seven small tendrils. Notably, SCP-4659-2 completely lacks facial features, save for a large, black spheroid structure in the middle of its face, which it vibrates to mimic the sound of human speech1.

The structure of most SCP-4659-1 instances2 follow the typical format of an online film review. At the beginning of each of these videos, SCP-4659-2 will shortly introduce the film3 that it will be reviewing, usually in an exaggerated manner. For the middle portion of the video, footage of the film in question will be interspersed with various comments made by SCP-4659-2 about the film, typically for comedic effect. This middle portion continues for an average of 5-6 minutes, after which SCP-4659-2 will summarize its opinion of the film before ending the video with a plea to continue watching its content along with a link to its email for future video suggestions4, the only known means of communication with SCP-4659-2.

Addendum 4659.1: Excerpt from SCP-4659-1-2

▶ ACCESS scpfn://4659/videos/1.2.log

▷ CLOSE VIDEO LOG

VIDEO LOG EXCERPT OF SCP-4659-1-2

Instance Title:5 "Captain of Agvofala" Review

Duration: 08:31

[BEGIN LOG]

The video begins at a shot of SCP-4659-2 up to its waist. It is seated at a structure similar to a table and chair and clothed in an assortment of dark-gray, white, and red apparels of clothing, bearing resemblance to a suit and tie.

SCP-4659-2: Hello, there, all of you individuals. I'm the Dissector, and if you're about as sick and tired of the garbage Xzollywood is pumping out these days, you might have come across "Captain of Agvofala".

The video cuts to footage of an entity clad in iron-like material, similar in structure to SCP-4659-2 except for an appendage at the top of its head. It appears to be using a long stick against a large, amorphous creature.

SCP-4659-2 (voiceover): Released in 742, this sad excuse of a film commits the cardinal sin: it is boring as shit. Hell, half the time it doesn't feel like they put in the effort to give the audience anything remotely satisfying!

Video cuts back to SCP-4659-2.

SCP-4659-2: But that isn't even the start of it. In fact, this film flies in the face of the actual Battle of Agvofala. Instead of taking the time to focus on historical accuracy, like other movies —

A picture depicting promotional art for a film apparently entitled "Agvofala: Heroes and Villains" is briefly overlaid on top of the footage of SCP-4659-2.

SCP-4659-2: — this heap of manure decides to include sticks and battering rams as weapons in the Battle of fucking Agvofala. How did no one realize just how unrealistic that is? And don't get me started on including an anglerbeing as the main role…

The video cuts to a slowly panning picture of the same iron-clad entity depicted in the first clip.

SCP-4659-2 (voiceover): And this really goes to show how devoted Xzollywood is to shoving stories like these down everyone's tracheas. You gotta have people fighting around with sticks instead of swords because hey, it looks cooler, and fuck what actual history has to say about it! It's pandering nonsense bullshit!

Video cuts back to SCP-4659-2.

SCP-4659-2: And that's what this video, and this series, is gonna be all about. Showing just what happens when you forgo actual storytelling and historical accuracy and excrete all over the art of film. I'm the Dissector, and welcome to the second episode of… Vivisection.

[END LOG]

Addendum 4659.2: Initial Decommissioning Proposal, 05/31/2005

▶ ACCESS scpfn://4659/documents/decom1.log

▷ CLOSE DOCUMENT

SCP-4659 DECOMMISSIONING PROPOSAL

Submission Item #: SCP-4659

Submission Containment Class: Keter

Submission Project Head: Senior Researcher Diane J. Patterson

Supporting Personnel*:

Senior Researcher James P. Sullivan

Junior Researcher Eliza S. Hernstein

Junior Researcher Zachary L. Browne

Proposal: At its current pace, SCP-4659 poses an imminent threat to the Foundation's veil of secrecy. The proliferation of SCP-4659-1 instances appears to be growing exponentially, and while the Foundation has been able to suppress much of the information about SCP-4659 both on- and off-line, the current growth trends signify an increasing difficulty of containment efforts and a possible lifting of the veil.

The problems posed by SCP-4659 are twofold:

Unlike other anomalies which proliferate on the Internet, SCP-4659 directly manifests onto hardware, which does not easily register to Foundation webcrawlers or bots. While numerous computer models are able to have their hardware monitored by the Foundation (including IBM, Dell, and Apple), the growing variety of computer models leaves SCP-4659 vulnerable to discovery, and in some cases, spreading. In fact, current models estimate that 2-3% of all SCP-4659-1 instances are discovered without Foundation intervention. Combined with the possibility that dissemination of SCP-4659 can extend beyond hardware (as evidenced by a radio station in Willoughby, OH being intercepted to play the audio of an SCP-4659-1 instance), containment of SCP-4659 will soon become near-impossible.

Unlike other anomalies broadcasted from extradimensional locations, the amount of production value which would have to go into fabricating SCP-4659 is close to unbelievable. Even if it were simpler to explain the content of SCP-4659-1 instances away as parody or satire, the method by which SCP-4659-1 instances are disseminated is difficult to easily justify.

As attempting to contain SCP-4659 in the two approaches explained above is proving to be sharply decreasing in expediency, we are therefore proposing that SCP-4659 be considered for decommissioning.

Method(s): In order to discourage the further production of SCP-4659-1 instances, we are proposing to attempt direct contact with SCP-4659-2 via its provided business email (which has since been deactivated to non-Foundation personnel) in order to convince it to terminate the creation of SCP-4659. Along with the execution of current containment procedures, planned course of action is as follows:

Demand the forced discontinuation of the production of SCP-4659-1 instances to SCP-4659-2 under the guise of:

Profane and obscene content

Copyright infringement

Harassment

Should SCP-4659-2 be unwilling to comply with these requests, manufacture negative reception of SCP-4659 in emails directed towards SCP-4659-2.

Our hopes are that this protocol will dissuade SCP-4659-2 from making new SCP-4659-1 instances due to an overwhelmingly negative reception. Further methods are to be discussed should either of these methods fail in the discontinuation of SCP-4659 production.

— Sen. Researcher Diane Patterson

Submission Consensus (DD): RATIFIED ● (4-2-1)

* Must be of level 3 clearance or higher.

Addendum 4659.3: Excerpt from SCP-4659-1-8

▶ ACCESS scpfn://4659/videos/1.8.log

▷ CLOSE VIDEO LOG

VIDEO LOG EXCERPT OF SCP-4659-1-8

Instance Title: In Response to the Haters (+ Sneak Peek for "Am I Maztacle?" Review!)

Duration: 6:58

Foreword: Prior to the making of this video, the Foundation had initiated a number of emails claiming SCP-4659-1 instances of infringing on copyright, in addition to issuing several purported complaints from fans about the negative quality of SCP-4659.

[BEGIN LOG]

The video opens on a still shot of what appears to be a doorway. SCP-4659-2, clothed in an all-black suit, steadily approaches the camera.

SCP-4659-2: (Mockingly) Hey you!

Video cuts to shot of SCP-4659-2 in its normal attire. It swiftly turns its head to the right in mock surprise.

SCP-4659-2: What are — what are you doing here —

Video cuts back to SCP-4659-2 in its all-black attire.

SCP-4659-2: (Mockingly) Is this the Dissector's house? Where are they?

SCP-4659-2 (voiceover): Well, uh, I'm the Dissector —

SCP-4659-2: (Mockingly) All right then! Stop right there, you are under arrest for copyright infringement and harassment!

Video cuts to a composite shot of SCP-4659-2 dressed in its normal attire at the left side and SCP-4659-2 in its all-black suit on the right.

SCP-4659-2: Wait, no, you can't do that, my work is protected under fair use —

SCP-4659-2: (Mockingly) Nope! Doesn't matter! You have the wrong opinion, you're just asking for arrest.

SCP-4659-2: No! Please! Give me a chance! Let me prove myself, just —

SCP-4659-2: (Mockingly) Never! Go away, you puddle of —

Video abruptly cuts to a shot of SCP-4659-2 in its normal attire out of character. It appears to be holding the camera for themselves.

SCP-4659-2: Hey, uh, so that was just a little — summary of what's been happening, of some of the hate I've been getting online as of recently. Probably not any of y'all, though, y'all are cool like that…

Oh, and if you uh, like the video, be sure to send me an email saying that you liked it. I haven't been getting too much of those, and feedback always helps — I'm new to this whole video thing, so it always helps to hear what y'all think.

Uh, so some people have been pointing at my stuff that I do, and they're saying, you know, "Oh, the Dissector's an, uh, they're nitpicky, they're unfunny, your show is bad, the movies are copyrighted, cancel it already, yadda yadda…" And, you know, those types who're saying all these things about me, this video goes out to them. Really, all I can say is, if you have to resort to name-calling like that, I'd just like to politely ask you to stay the fuck outta my business, okay?

Look, if you've got nothing to say, don't say it. Unless you're coming to me for constructive criticism, don't be coming out here and saying I hate this and I hate that just 'cause I make jokes about me not liking 'em. They're jokes, alright? Don't take them too seriously. No, really, cut it out. Let me do what I want. Fuck y'all.

SCP-4659-2 raises its left hand and sticks up its middle tendril, pushing the hand closer to the camera and making a brief hissing noise.

SCP-4659-2: All right, now that that's over, here's a little sneak peek of my next video. Hope you like it.

[END LOG]

Addendum 4659.4: Decommissioning Proposal Revision, 06/10/2005

▶ ACCESS scpfn://4659/documents/decom2.log

▷ CLOSE DOCUMENT

PROPOSED REVISIONS TO SCP-4659 DECOMMISSIONING

Submission Item #: SCP-4659

Submission Containment Class: Keter

Submission Project Head: Senior Researcher Diane J. Patterson

Supporting Personnel*:

Senior Researcher James P. Sullivan

Junior Researcher Zachary L. Browne

Junior Researcher Georgia A. Josefiak

Proposal: While the current decommissioning efforts have managed to maintain contact with SCP-4659-2, the measures that have been taken have only led to an increase in the production and proliferation of SCP-4659-1 instances. SCP-4659-2 has demonstrated hostility to the advances the Foundation made in order to convince it to cease SCP-4659 production, dismissing the initiated comments as being unfounded and useless, and in apparent spite towards the Foundation's efforts, SCP-4659-2 has apparently accelerated the production of new SCP-4659 instances. It is apparent that the current efforts put in place have significantly exacerbated efforts of containment; therefore, we are proposing several revisions to the decommissioning protocol.

Method(s): Given that SCP-4659-2 has been invariably hostile to any directly negative feedback, and given that SCP-4659-2 has at numerous times asked for constructive criticism of SCP-4659 from its followers, we therefore propose the following course of action:

While posing as followers of SCP-4659, offer faulty advice to SCP-4659-2 about how it can improve future SCP-4659-1 instances. Current proposals for advice center around components which are more difficult to fulfill, such as:

Producing longer videos

Including more visual aids

Utilizing more props and clothing

While still under the guise of SCP-4659 followers, issue negative feedback about the newly produced SCP-4659-1 instances.

Our hopes for this new protocol are that, in discovering the adverse appraisal from its supposed followers, SCP-4659-2 will become dissatisfied in making newer SCP-4659-1 instances due to its negative reception.

Submission Consensus (DD): RATIFIED ● (3-2-2)

* Must be of level 3 clearance or higher.

Addendum 4659.5: Excerpt from SCP-4659-1-12

▶ ACCESS scpfn://4659/videos/1.12.log

▷ CLOSE VIDEO LOG

VIDEO LOG EXCERPT OF SCP-4659-1-12

Instance Title: DISSECTOR REVIEWS EPISODE 8: "TIME AND TIME AGAIN"

Duration: 19:43

Foreword: At this point, a week prior to the release of this video, the Foundation had issued numerous emails to SCP-4659-2 per decommissioning protocol.

[BEGIN LOG]

The video begins with SCP-4659-2 seated at a table, dressed in a crudely constructed outfit composing of green, blue, red, and black chunks of fabric.

SCP-4659-2: (Shouting) Hi all, it's me, the Dissector. Now, before the video starts, and it's a long one, I just wanna give a huge shout-out to y'all for reaching out to me and helping me with all of this. You can probably see I've made a custom outfit right here, spent a couple nights workin' on it. Y'all also told me to work on the editing, on the visuals a bit more, and I think it came out really nice, so hope you like it. Also cut some of the swearing out, some of you were complaining about that. Hey, I'm telling you, it's a lot harder than it looks. And if you turn around the camera…

The camera swivels around to reveal another entity similar to SCP-4659-2 holding it. Camera swivels back to SCP-4659-2.

SCP-4659-2: (Shouting) Now hey, would you look at that, I got myself a cameraman! Would you go ahead and say hi for me, Qopianto?

Sounds of gargling behind the camera.

SCP-4659-2: (Shouting) Ah, what the hell. Uh, anyway, I worked really, really hard on all this new stuff for you all, so it would help if you'd give some feedback on this video and tell me if you liked it. Even got some skits for you here, think y'all might like those. Well, I've done enough talking for now, on with the video!

[END LOG]

Addendum 4659.6: Decommission Report, 06/28/2005

▶ ACCESS scpfn://4659/documents/decom3.log

▷ CLOSE DOCUMENT

DECOMMISSION REPORT OF SCP-4659

Submission Item #: SCP-4659

Former Containment Class: Keter

Report Compiler: Senior Researcher Diane J. Patterson

Report: On 06/27/2005, shortly after the Foundation issued a series of emails containing negative feedback towards it, SCP-4659-2 issued the following message in an email forwarded to many of the Foundation-operated accounts:

To: krd.liamhcrot|50smlehybbob#krd.liamhcrot|50smlehybbob, krd.liamhcrot|020bthgirw#krd.liamhcrot|020bthgirw, 19 other accounts

From: The Dissector (krd.liamhcrot|liamrotcessid#krd.liamhcrot|liamrotcessid)

Subject: I'm Done.

Hey all,

I think it's time to tell you something I've been wanting to say for a long time - I'm quitting this. It seems like when I put out something I've been spending days on end working on, you people just take a look at it and laugh. And you know what? Fuck it. I don't want to deal with this anymore. If you want the show back, like it seems all of you do, feel free to take those concerns and shove them up your excrement-filled anuses. Oh wait, is that too "obscene" for you? Fuck off, goodbye.

- Dissector

Decommission protocol declared successful, SCP-4659 reclassed as Decommissioned.

Footnotes

1. Though its main language appears to be a guttural language as-of-yet undeciphered to the Foundation, SCP-4659-2 is also fluent in English.

2. At times, SCP-4659-2 will produce an unstructured video addressing certain events in its life.

3. Notably, none of the films reviewed by SCP-4659-2 have corresponded to any films in our world.

4. Email since discontinued.

5. Derived from the filename of the video at time of manifestation.