Photograph taken of Researcher Marshall by Junior Researcher Jack Waltzer.

Item #: SCP-7724

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Personnel are encouraged to no longer make short jokes at the expense of SCP-7724-1. SCP-7724-1 has been supplied with platform shoes, stilts, and doll clothing so that he may continue his work at the Foundation.

Description: SCP-7724 is a farcicohazard1 affecting SCP-7724-1, Junior Researcher Jack Waltzer. Whenever a height-based joke at his expense is made, SCP-7724-1 shrinks by approximately 1 millimeter. When first contracted by the Foundation, SCP-7724-1 measured 1.7 meters in height.

Discovery: Due to the incremental nature of SCP-7724-1's height changes,2 and the common, passing, nature of the height jokes levied at him,3 SCP-7724 was not discovered until SCP-7724-1 had decreased nearly 0.4 meters in height. SCP-7724-1, the first to take note of the anomaly, reported his observations to his superiors, whereupon a formal investigation began.

Addendum 7724-01, Site 8 Memorandum 01/03: Following the allotment of an SCP designation, a memorandum was sent out to all Site 8 staff requesting they refrain from mocking Waltzer's below-average size.

Hey guys! Jack Waltzer… or should I say, SCP-7724-1, speaking. Haha!

Yup, for those of you unaware, there's been a running joke where I'd be called short, small, petite, teeny-tiny… you get the idea. Somehow those jokes have caused me to actually shrink every time one is told, so, unfortunately, the joke must end :(

To be clear, I like the jokes! Wouldn't mind if they kept going, except that I'd rather not actually be small enough to fit into someone's pockets. Haha!

Thanks!

Junior Researcher Jack Waltzer

Addendum 7724-02, Interview Log: The following interview was recorded between Waltzer and his on-site therapist, Dr. Courtney Klein.

«BEGIN LOG»

Klein: Now, as you were saying earlier, you think that you are shrinking?

Waltzer: I don't think I am, I know I am.

Klein: No offense, Waltzer, but you've always been a little on the short side.

Waltzer: Yeah, I know, heh. Though lately, I can't even reach the cookie jar in the break room. I know it's on a pretty high shelf, but I used to be able to reach it if I just jumped a bit, but now I can't even reach it if I jump! And I noticed it after a bunch of people made short jokes at my expense the other day. I even asked around to see if someone had adjusted the height on the shelf, but no! It's in the same spot.

Klein: You mean every time someone cracks a short joke at you, you shrink a little more?

Waltzer: Exactly.

Klein: Hmm. I see. Do you perhaps have a short temper when it comes to your height?

Waltzer: Not really, I don't mind the short jokes. But I don't want to shrink even more, you know?

Klein: Alright, gonna go ahead and mark that down as a no. Next question: Have you been feeling…

down

lately?

Waltzer: Wait a minute, are you cracking short jokes at my expense? Come on! I'm shrinking here, I don't need my therapist joining in on it too!

[Dr. Klein's pocket watch begins ringing.]

Klein: Oh, sorry, looks like we're a bit short on time.

Waltzer: That better not be another joke.

Klein: Officer Kurzmann will escort you out and we'll reschedule.

«END LOG»

Addendum 7724-03, Site 8 Memorandum 01/04:

Stop it!

Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it Stop it!

Stop with the short jokes please I'm begging you Stop.

I'll do anything!

You're doing it right now, I can feel it in my SPLEEN.

I am not a shortstack I am not a baby I am not a funny little guy.

Or I wasn't. Before this.

I used to like the jokes, I did! I used to listen to them and laugh even if they weren't funny! Because I thought you were my friends, but apparently not.

There was a memo, like, last week? Very nice, very professional, asked kindly for you guys to stop. You know what happened? I shrunk by a foot! People just made more jokes!

You think this is funny?

I am half the man I used to be and you think this is funny?

I have to wear children's platform shoes to reach my desk.

I know you've got used to it, but how about a new joke, huh? Waltzer is like Waltz, the dance, huh? Funny little guy doing a funny little dance, huh? Yeah? That could be a new thing!!!!

I just shrunk myself. Called myself a little guy. Look what you've done to me.

Stop it. I don't know what's going to happen if I keep shrinking am I going to be like Antman Enter the Quantumania?

I don't want to find out, I just want to be a normal guy with a normal height. And normal shoes.

I don't know how to reason with you people. If this keeps going there won't be any of me left.

It's not funny anymore.

Sincerely,

J. Waltzer

Addendum 7724-04, CCTV Footage: The following is a recorded conversation between multiple Site 8 personnel and Waltzer.

«BEGIN LOG»

[De Groot, Kucuk, LeGrand, Schmeling, and Waltzer are seated at a table in the Site 8 lunch room. Waltzer is dressed in doll clothes and sits on a booster seat to reach the table. He continues to shrink before the conversation begins.]

De Groot: Have you heard about Waltzer?

[Waltzer stops eating and looks exasperated.]

Kucuk: What about him?

LeGrand: I heard he's shrinking.

Kucuk: So he's short.

De Groot: Yeah.

[Waltzer continues to shrink. He sobs as he can no longer hold his fork.]

Schmeling: Little guy.

LeGrand: Tiny man.

Kucuk: Pick him up and put him in my pocket.

Schmeling: Has to jump on his keyboard keys to type.

[Klein joins the group at the table. He knocks down the booster seat as Waltzer barely manages to jump onto the table.]

Klein: Who does?

De Groot: Jack Waltzer.

Klein: Can't see him, he's too small.

[Waltzer has shrunk so much he has disappeared into his doll clothes. Moments later, he re-emerges through the left pant leg of the garments. He is naked.]

Waltzer: Help me.

LeGrand: What's that?

De Groot: Huh?

Schmeling: I didn't say anything.

Klein: Me neither.

Kucuk: Maybe it was him.

Klein: Who?

De Groot: The shrimp.

Klein: Shrimp can't talk, I've tried.

Kucuk: This one does.

Waltzer: I'm not a shrimp!

Klein: Well then he should speak up!

[Klein moves her face closer to the table.]

Klein: I CAN'T HEAR YOU. YOU'RE TOO SMALL.

Walzter: Stop! Stop, please! I'm the smallest thing now I can't get any smaller! God help me! What have I done to deserve this?!

Kucuk: Maybe he shrank so much that the ants took him.

Waltzer: Please, I am begging you!

De Groot: I think that's probably what happened.

«END LOG»

Following this conversation, Waltzer could no longer be found. Research into his possible whereabouts has been ruled unnecessary.

Addendum 7724-05, Related Incident: Two days following the disappearance of Waltzer, a colossal humanoid entity resembling Junior Researcher Jack Waltzer measuring an estimated 900,000 kilometers was identified by Foundation satellites in the Canis Major dwarf galaxy, rapidly approaching Earth. Due to his immense size, he was immediately detected by civilian space observation organizations. Personnel and civilians viewing the anomaly often describe it as small, tiny, or otherwise diminutive.

Footnotes

1. A noospheric anomaly activated, or affected, by a specific brand of humor.

2. See "change blindness."

3. See "A Sociological Analysis of Site 8 In-Jokes".

Author's Note

Hide Author's Note

Let me tell you about the time I almost died.

It happened in 1978. My dad had just left for work, so I thought I'd head out to hang with my friends and skip school.

I was hit by a car. It didn't hurt much, fortunately. But I spent a while unconscious. When I awoke in the local hospital, I'd experienced hours of personal growth. I'd seen so much. But I can't remember many details.

I've been to therapy several times in my life. But no therapy has ever healed me as much as that car. I got my ass into gear and got myself into a university. I did great. Nobody could stop me. I forgot about the experience by the time I was holding a stable job and raising a kid with my wife.

But when I began to remember my near-death, it all came flooding back.

In that hospital bed, I learned what it really meant to worry. I grew up so afraid to tell my parents how scared I was, how worried I was.

My childhood fear was my constant companion, on my back. And it eventually became a sort of career. But only later, I found out how valuable that fear was.

I know the fear of watching my family get old and not being able to do everything.

I know the fear of losing loved ones in a bad accident.

I know the fear of not having enough money to do what I want to do.

I know the fear of not getting promoted at work.

I know the fear of getting fired at my job.

I know the fear of losing my kids, when the oldest is leaving for college, and the youngest will be a senior next year.

I know the fear of being sick and losing the only job I've ever really loved.

But what if it is the only thing keeping you in your career, in your job you're proud of, working with the friends you care about?

This fear is scary, but it can also be your biggest ally.

You've got to worry, but you've got to do something about it. You've got to start figuring out how you can get more out of your career, more out of your life. You're gonna have to pay attention to it. You're gonna have to think about it.

Fear can make us more productive, more creative, more worried. But sometimes, it makes us do the opposite. We start making bad choices. We start pushing away friends. We start making huge, horrible financial decisions. We start avoiding getting what we need out of our career.

And maybe we can't solve the problems of the world, and maybe we can't keep our loved ones safe from the random horrible things that happen in this world, but maybe we can get a little bit more out of our career.

Maybe we can make a few more dollars. Maybe we can get a few more promotions. Maybe we can get closer to a world where we're not worried about whether we'll make rent. Maybe we can actually have some free time to think about what we want to do, what we want to spend our lives on.

I think the best way to solve that problem is not to think about it, not worry about it. Just act. Start spending your days working on what you care about. Learn more, read more, get better at your job.

But before you do that, leave an upvote on this article. We worked very hard on it, I promise.

Thanks for reading. ✌️

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