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

How's the world so small when the world is so large?

And what made the world? Could I please speak to who's in charge?

Everything is real, but, it's also just as fake

From your daughter's birthday party to your grandmother's wake

( People Ii: The Reckoning - AJJ )

SCP-8990 - Poor Richard and the King.

Collab between TroutMaskReplica and MaddGasserGaton does not match any existing user name.

Troutmaskreplica's author page

NOTICE:

The ensuing documents have been retrieved from multiple Foundation facilities, detailing a sequence of occurrences that, based on our current understanding, deviate from established baseline reality. Presented below is a theorized chronological account of the aforementioned events. Some documentation may be missing.

ITEM #: SCP-8990

LEVEL-

CONTAINMENT CLASS: KETER

DISRUPTION CLASS: AMIDA

ITEM: SCP-8990

LEVEL-

CONTAINMENT

CLASS: KETER

DISRUPTION

CLASS: AMIDA

Special Containment Procedures:

Robert Noxin and Eric Pressler are to be kept apart employing all available methods that do not compromise the integrity of the veil. They are currently unaware each others other's existence; the Foundation must ensure that they remain as such indefinitely.

Mobile Task Force Gamma-4 ("Third Wheelers") has been allocated virtually limitless physical resources to execute and maintain a distance between them of no less than 10 miles.

Efforts to neutralize SCP-8990 are underway.

Description:

SCP-8990 is the designation for an anomalous effect between Robert Noxin and Eric Pressler. For unknown reasons, they are inadvertently executing a CK-Class "Reality Restructuring" scenario.

SCP-8990 further exhibits a probabilistic effect, leading to the inadvertent encounters of Noxin and Pressler in various places and environments, although this is capable of being interrupted by outside factors. Additionally, this effect prevents either individual from being killed.

Excerpt of A Theorization on Cohabitive Anomalies by HR Blackenthacker, circa. 1954

In our world we must look deep and long at the unknown. One must stare at the inexplicable with explicative sight. Sometimes we must pay our coin of attention to the cosmologically intense- right now, it's two incredibly loud men who might end the world.

Anomalies with two aspects or individual elements that make up their totality are not uncommon. Many anomalies possess multiple instances beyond the duelist amount. Some anomalies are theorized to be hundreds of individual entities, but there are very few anomalies that are cohabitive. Cohabitive in this case means that the anomaly is composed of two or more parts whose paranatural effects do not activate until they are within contact. One may look at the man in the alien suit for the prototypical symbiotic anomaly, most importantly how both creatures benefit from the arrangement.

SCP-2273 is the low bar for cohabitive oddity anomalies. Parathreats come in all sizes, and thankfully that one is relatively easy to contain. There are many with dual components that are nearly impossible to contain, that constantly run their clawed hands across our thin veneer of a Veil, that push and challenge our capabilities to their highest points. They may only possess two parts, but it can take two entire departments in order to contain them. In this piece we will take a look at these anomalies, and attempt to understand why dualism is so relatively common within the anomalous world…

A CK-Shift of Reality occurred on August 15th, 1954, when Noxin and Pressler were within one hundred feet of each other. This distance was measured through the brick building of a popular bar and grill in their residential town. Little visual effects on reality were observed.

Reality Shift: Noxin removed two of his siblings from reality, causing them to have never existed.

Action Taken: None is necessary, nor is any action possible.

Robert Noxin.

A summary of Robert Noxin and Eric Pressler, by Anthony Schmidt.

Robert Noxin is a man. As such, much of this research has been collected utilizing willing members of Project Collibus and Foundation contacts within the US Census Bureau and is based on our current stable reality. Born in Yorba Linda, California on January 9th, 1913, he was raised in a nuclear family consisting of seven six five siblings and two conservative Quaker parents. His parents, the father a former roustabout and latent entrepreneur, the mother a stay-at-home parent with incredible virtues, massively affected his outlook on life. In private moments, Noxin claimed to fear the Abrahamic God based on the assumption that He took away Noxin's parents as punishment. Two of his siblings died early from tuberculosis, which seems to have caused a consistent desire to have updated inoculations.

From his early years, he invested his time into political pursuits, all of them utter failures. His father was a successful politician, but was unfortunately struck down by an errant milk truck as Noxin cusped the age of sixteen. The loss of this father figure caused a subsequent downhill trend in Noxin's life- he began and continues to drink heavily, extricate himself from as much of his family life as possible, shut out any lines of communications with his mother, and move as far away from his home as possible. He still carries his family with him, but demonstrates it in odd ways.

His current occupation is garbageman in Toledo, Ohio, a position that takes him around almost every neighborhood. Within every area he resides within due to his frequent wandering, he is considered a brash, uncompromising individual with ridiculous opinions and far-fetched ideals. His intense dislike of any people's of the following categories has lead to his friendships being reduced to close to zero- Africans, South Americans, Europeans, Jewish peoples, Asians, queers, "uppity" women, and any man who has hair longer than six inches.

Eric Aaron Pressler, born on January 8, 1935, in Tupelo, Mississippi, wasn't exactly destined to be much. From an early age, Eric exhibited a profound interest in gospel music, heavily influenced by the sounds resonating from the local church. His family's financial struggles added a layer of hardship to his childhood, contributing to a sense of isolation that would accompany him into his early twenties.

Eric developed an astonishingly inflated sense of self-importance. Even when he was a kid, all research indicates that he lacked in intelligence, leading to him being held back for several years. His youth was marked by financial struggles, a fractured family dynamic, and a feeling of estrangement from his peers. While this may make you feel bad for him, the way he continues to blame everyone for his own misgivings may make you think otherwise.

Eric's early twenties were characterized by an unparalleled egotism, a trait that, while contributing to his undeniable charisma, also alienated those around him. His arrogance, often bordering on rudeness, became a defining feature of his personality. Despite his undeniable vocal prowess and looks, Eric Pressler's interactions with others were tainted by a relentless pursuit of self-interest and a disregard for the feelings of those who surrounded him.

As he sought opportunities in the music industry, Eric displayed an unapologetic and cutthroat approach to achieving success. His ruthless ambition sometimes overshadowed the collaborative spirit inherent in the world of music. Although, like many things, this did not go far for him. Even then, as a bartender at the Rue & Ruse'd local pub, he still believed that he has what it takes to become big.

A CK-Shift of Reality occurred on August 15th, 1965, when Noxin and Pressler met each other in the main supermarket of Toledo. They conversed for approximately four minutes and seventeen seconds, posturing to each other for the entirety of the meeting. Two female agents of Gamma-4 were deployed, and managed to subtlety distract and pull them apart using Procedure Collibus.

During this time, several streets and lanes merged physically, causing intense traffic. Witnesses amnesticized.

Reality Shift: A new genre of music, "Bluegrass" manifests and is seamlessly integrated into the Noosphere.

Action Taken: None is necessary, although further research is required.

Interview Log: Project Colibus Interog

Interviewer: [Field Agent Ellison Montgomery, Project Collibus FIeld Member.█]

Foreword: [Agent Montgomery managed to "persuade" target Robert Noxin into a private moment after a few drinks in the Sweltering Felton. This is a transcript of the resulting conversation.]

<Begin Log, [September 23, 1965.]>

Montgomery: So, big boy, how's it going?

Noxin turns towards Agent Montgomery.

Noxin: Well, hey there, pretty lady, how've you been doin'?

Montgomery: I've been better. Just looking for a few moments of fun in this shit.

Noxin: Well, we have the entire night to have some fun.

Montgomery: Well, tell me a little about yourself, big boy.

Noxin: I was born around here. Grew up here too.

Noxin takes a large drink.

Noxin: Bunch of absolute morons around this nightmare of a town, lemme tell you, beautiful. You're like a fuckin… grape in a bunch of raisins.

Montgomery chuckles, twirling her hair around her finger.

Montgomery: You certainly know how to lay it on thick, sugah.

Noxin: Of course.

He looks into his drink for a long moment.

Noxin: Everyone thinks I have everything.

Montgomery: I thought you were a janitor?

Noxin slams his fist onto the table.

Noxin: I'm a cleaning specialist!

Montgomery: Right, sorry about that, must've heard wr-

At this moment, Eric Pressler crosses the two-hundred fifty foot threshold.

Noxin: You… Everyone always decries me with their idiomatic destruction…

Montgomery: What… what are you saying?

According to Montgomery's testimony, at this moment the entire bar dropped away.

Noxin: I know what kind of bitch you are… what kind of skank…

The bar begins to rotate around her as she stands still.

Noxin: I bet you're a fucking Jew… a dirty godamn jew slut…

Montgomery's bodily proportions begin to shift, the organs in her body changing place.

Noxin: You don't deserve the legs you have…

Pressler leaves the shift threshold. Montgomery is left handipcapped in a wheelchair, with the recording device embedded in her internal digestion system.

Noxin: Yeah, serves you right…

Montgomery: Dear God, it's inside me!

Montgomery leaves the bar in tears. Noxin continues drinking.

<End Log.>

Closing Statement: Montgomery has been left permanently handicapped from this experience. She has been recommenced for a permanent desk role.

Excerpt of A Theorization on Cohabitive Anomalies by HR Blackenthacker, circa. 1954

Reality benders are, compared to the wide berth of anomalies, somewhat common. This may be because of how we as researchers define our charges and prisoners that we have so many of these auspicious beings. This definition depends of something inherent to these beings— the ability to affect and define the reality surrounding them. They rip through the virgin fabric of our universe, shifting it with dainty or rough hands. They are kings, queens, and themperors of the veil. And we protect the Veil against them, fighting with the dual swords of faith and hope.

…What do we draw against these impossible odds? What do we unsheathe with aplomb and confidence? With many of our charges, we must slam against a wall, bloodying our knuckles and our skulls hoping for a single chip. But with reality benders, we have developed a hope- the Scranton Reality Anchor.

Information is still being kept close to the proverbial lab coat, but it seems those in the Reality Affectation Department have developed a new tool in our eternal battle. Whatever it is, they have been tight-lipped, but us at the Foundation now have the most important tool in our fight. Hope. A shield against the doom, protecting the one bit of normalcy we still have in this universe.

A CK-Shift of Reality occurred on September 4, 1965, Pressler and Noxin entered the shifting threshold while visiting their parents in a nursing home at the same time. It lasted forty-five minutes and ended when Pressler left early due to his mother calling him a "forever loser."

Reality Shift: Pressler's mother was replaced by an entirely different women, becoming blonde and possessing a "typical housewife figure," in Pressler's words.

Action Taken: Identifying documents were checked, and they were replaced by images of the new woman.

ALERT LEVEL 6 EMERGENCY

The shit has hit the fan!

Somehwo some fucking moron didn't properly overview the visitation logs of the White House! Pressler now Presley and Noxin now Nixon were visiting at the same godamn time! The entire godamn place has completely fucking collapsed. We're all absolutely fucked. There's a fucking war in Vietnam. Their clothes keep fucking changing. It's only a moment until they touch and we all explode or implode or deplode. I don't knwo who can read this r if anyone can read this or if it's possible for anyone to read this but this is/was/has been Head Researcher Jack Cary Donaghee, I have two children, Steve and Marie, and my beautiful and wonderful and soft and not sharp wife Amarrissa and I live on 11 Washington street and the world is stopping and slowing and I feel it grip anf tear and shif and change help help hlp hlp help help1

Except of Bangers and Mass, February 23rd 1970

Famous rock musician Elvis Presley has publicly announced his backing of presidential candidate Richard Q. Nixon in his run for re-election as President of the United States. This was announced as the Vietnam War comes to a close, reunited under the guiding hand of Nixon's Vietnam Reunification Council.

The two took the stage together, one wielding their well-known Gibson J-200, the other with a Stratocaster wrapped around their shoulders, and proceeded to belt out a nasty set of licks that made the crowd scream with joy. This comes after Presley made a visit to the White House, thanking Nixon for his tireless efforts to unite the warring countries, and Nixon praising the Hound for his charity work giving old women breast augmentations.

After the impromptu concert, held on the White House lawn, we got a chance to sit down and interview the two of these absolute legends. What follows is my fourteen hour discussion with them, on topics from the economy, the housing boom, computers, sex, violence, the taste of sweet liquor down your lover's chest, and so much more!

ALERT LEVEL 6 EMERGENCY

Current State of Affairs

This is where we live now.

Footnotes

1. help jelp help dead god make it stop it rips it tears it burns it it it