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Item#: 5402

Containment Class: keter

Secondary Class: none

Disruption Class: keneq

Risk Class: notice

Special Containment Procedures: As there are currently no known means of containing SCP-5402 and given that it will not demanifest until all issues of SCP-5402-1 have been disseminated, attempts to contain SCP-5402 are not to be made. MTF-Lambda-8 ("Newsies") are to remain on standby in major population centers every Sunday prepared for immediate transport and response.

Containment procedures of SCP-5402 and SCP-5402-1 are to prioritize first and foremost the confiscation of any and all manifestations of SCP-5402-1. Any recipients of SCP-5402-1 are to be given a psychological evaluation for memetic influences before being applied Class-A amnestics. If the subject is determined to be under memetic influences, treatment is to be dictated at the discretion of a level 3 or higher researcher from the Memetics and Infohazards Division. Erasing the memory of the contents of SCP-5042-1 via amnestic treatment is often but not universally effective. Due to the elusive nature of SCP-5402, Mobile Task Forces are not to attempt to locate it while copies of SCP-5402-1 are left unrecovered.

Once SCP-5402 is encountered, Foundation personnel's first priority is to inquire about the nature of its employment and anomalous properties, as attempts at orchestrating formal interviews have proven impossible. If offered, they are to purchase an instance of SCP-5402-1. No Foundation personnel are to be permitted to read an issue of SCP-5402-1 until it is approved by a level 3 or higher researcher.

Site ██ is to allocate six cents a week to a private account for a subscription to SCP-5402-1. Attempts to capture or interfere with SCP-5402 during these manifestations are not to be made unless authorized by a level 3 or higher researcher.

Description: SCP-5402-1 is a black and white newspaper titled "The Cosmic Courant." The paper and ink used in production possess no anomalous properties. It typically possesses a crossword puzzle on the back page, often with non-existent vocabulary or phrases.

The entries of SCP-5402-1 pertain to stories and/or events from other dimensions, and regularly presents activity that would be considered anomalous in this reality. SCP-5402-1 similarly uses vocabulary that is nonexistent in our reality, and will sporadically include entries with words, phrases or languages that have varied memetic influences on its readers, primarily invoking an urge to purchase an advertised product or service or on rare occasions evoking physical or mental trauma. Articles within SCP-5402-1 refer to an indeterminate number of realities, including baseline reality.

SCP-5402 on a paper route in Brooklyn, NY.

SCP-5402 is a humanoid entity resembling a 14-year-old Caucasian male and is the primary distributor of SCP-5402-1. He dons a newsboy flatcap and dresses in an attire consistent with youth fashion in the early 20th century. SCP-5402 possesses the ability to instantaneously translocate through dimensions and across geographical locations with apparent ease.

It is furthermore presumed that SCP-5402 is capable of surviving within all realities and regions detailed within issues of SCP-5402-1. It has demonstrated no regard for extreme altitudes, radical changes in temperature, nor changes in atmospheric composition.

SCP-5402 uses two main venues for selling instances of SCP-5402-1: 1) selling issues in public squares, or 2) newspaper delivery routes while riding a non-anomalous bicycle. In either case, SCP-5402 will attempt to sell instances of SCP-5402-1 for costs ranging from 3 to 6 US cents. In instances where SCP-5402 delivers papers, it appears to collect a requisite subscription cost from any physical or digital accounts of its recipients. As SCP-5402 has never been sighted physically withdrawing the subscription cost, it is presumed that it possesses an additional anomalous ability allowing it to withdraw money remotely.

SCP-5402 appears childishly naive and unaware of its abnormal nature and the irregularity of its behavior, and it has been determined that interdimensional newspaper deliveries are regarded as a legitimate profession in its home reality. SCP-5402 often confuses customs between realities, and may on occasion speak in nonexistent languages or offer prices in nonexistent currencies.

Addendum 5402.1: First Contact

06/28/20: SCP-5402 was sighted attempting to sell instances of SCP-5402-1 at the center of Time Square, New York City, NY. Agent Ramirez, already present, succeeded in reporting SCP-5402 to the Foundation and approaching it before any instances of SCP-5402-1 were sold. This is the only successful interview of SCP-5402.

SCP-5402: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Eldritch gods go on strike at Amazon in the thirty-fifth! Extra! Ex—

Agent Ramirez: 'Scuse me kid, can I borrow you for a sec?

SCP-5402: Sorry sir, I'm already running really late, if I don't finish selling this batch of copies and head over to the forty-second soon, Mr. Noteworthy's gonna tan my hide!

Agent Ramirez: Here, I'll buy a copy, fair trade kid?

SCP-5402: Yes sir, that'll be thirty gildars.

Agent Ramirez: Okay so that's…. wait what?

SCP-5402: Oh, whoops. [SCP-5402 smacks itself on the forehead] Sorry this is the thirteenth, right? That'll be a nickel today sir.

Agent Ramirez: [Agent Ramirez activates emergency beacon] So kiddo, where're you from exactly?

SCP-5402: [Looks at Agent Ramirez] My mama always told me never to tell that to strangers, mister.

Agent Ramirez: I mean… What world do you come from?

SCP-5402: [Shrugs] All the same, mister.

Agent Ramirez: [Sighs] Okay kid, how's this? I'll buy the rest off of you, yeah? Just answer a few questions for me?

SCP-5402: Golly sir, sure! That'll be three dollars and seven cents.

Agent Ramirez: [Hands five dollar bill to SCP-5402] Keep the change kid. Okay, now can I ask you a few questions?

SCP-5402: [Marvelling] Woah, you're the real McCoy mister!

Agent Ramirez: I, uh… thanks? Okay kid, so why exactly are you popping in and out of our world?

SCP-5402: I mean… It's easier than walking I s'pose?

Agent Ramirez: I… [sighs] [muttering] I don't get paid enough for this. Okay, different question, how do you pop in and out of here?

SCP-5402: I mean… I guess I don't really know mister? Like, how do you pick up your arm, ya know?

Agent Ramirez: And who do you do this for? Dropping off the papers?

SCP-5402: [Eyes light up] Ooh why? You wanna subscription, mister? I make my paper route every Sunday, I could put ya down for a—

Agent Ramirez: Yeah, sure, that. Look kid, who're you delivering these for?

SCP-5402: Oh well that's easy, well I—

[Church bell rings at local chapel]

SCP-5402: Applesauce! Three o'clock already? I gotta run, thanks mister!

[Agent Ramirez attempts to apprehend SCP-5402. SCP-5402 dematerializes before he can reach him]

Agent Reynolds: Where is it sir? [Agent Reynolds brandishes Class-A amnestic aerosol canister]

Agent Ramirez: Dammit Reynolds! What the hell took you so long?

[The following Sunday, Agent Ramirez discovered an instance of SCP-5402-1 on the welcome mat before his apartment in Bronx County, NY. Upon opening SCP-5402-1, he was temporarily blinded by the memetic influences of an advertisement for an establishment called "Infernal Pizzeria." It was determined by Foundation researchers that the language in which the advertisement was written poses a Caution-class risk to non-anomalous readers. Agent Ramirez reported having had his vision replaced with the image of a non-human entity during this period. When asked to describe the entity prior to treatment, he stated "You know God? Yeah, the opposite of that." Requests to update SCP-5402 to a Caution-class risk were denied on the basis of the exceptional nature of this particular issue of SCP-5402-1]

Addendum 5402.2:

Notable articles:

01/13/2019: An advertisement from a company known as "Antiquetical" advertised an auction for anomalous antiques. The article highlighted a mint condition Atari console of a model identical to SCP-5020.

02/17/2019: France erupts into civil war under splinter governments led by Kings Guillaume Emmanuel de Homem-Christo and Thomas Bangaltar, former members of Daft Punk. Dr. Stein: Daft Punk's French?

02/24/2019: An advertisement for a retail spacecraft company. At least twenty-four civilians called the number provided. The following afternoon, approximately 26 million USD in equipment was reported stolen from the National Space Agency of the Republic of Kazakhstan. Whether or not this is related remains under investigation.

03/10/2019: A humanoid anomaly bearing a notable resemblance to artistic renditions of SCP-096 announces his candidacy for mayor of Salem, New Hampshire. Due to its uncensored headshot, it is presumed that this entity does not possess the visual trigger of SCP-096. Excerpt: "Henry Clifford, chairman of the Occult Rights Party, announced this Sunday that he is launching a mayoral campaign in his home state of New Hampshire…" "With a beaming smile decorating his elongated jaw, Clifford addressed the crowd. 'Firstly I'd like to thank each and every one of you for joining me today. I have a major announcement for you all: I am officially stepping down as the Chairman of the Occult Rights Party so that I may run for mayor right here in my hometown!' With Clifford having led the ORP since its inception, pundits across the aisle have speculated what this means for the future of the rising third party.'" "'…the party shall be left in the capable hands of a distinguished veteran and longtime friend, Corporal Lawrence.'" Dr. Stein: It appears this is a pacified and remarkably intelligent instance otherwise identical to SCP-096. It seems to be totally safe to look at. Well… Either that or… Oh I wouldn't worry about it.

06/21/2020: Green winged humanoids with heads resembling the full bodies of octopi are shown picketing outside of an Amazon packaging facility. Headline: "Eldritch Workers Protest Automation."

06/28/2020: An advertisement for a company named "Infernal's Pizzaria" temporarily blinds readers in the first recorded Caution-class issue of SCP-5402-1 via the memetic effects of its language.

07/05/2020: An advertisement by a company named "Pandation & Co." On top of a background of cartoon pandas, beverages identical to that carried by instances of SCP-5840-1 are advertised for 1.99 USD and six packs of the same beverage for 5.59 USD.

11/08/2020: An entity called "Cornelius Cornwallis" is announced the winner of the United States Presidential election. The winner in question is a sapient corn on a cob. The runner-up in the election was Cucumbrus Pickleton, a sapient cucumber. Dr. Stein: ….What in the actual hell? No really, what am I looking at?

Addendum 5402.3:

07/05/2020: Following the incident on 06/28/2020 with Agent Ramirez, Dr. Stein submitted a request for use of force as necessary to contain SCP-5402 and prevent the dissemination of SCP-5402-1.

[REQUEST GRANTED]

07/05/2020: SCP-5402 was surveilled in the Red Square in Moscow, Russia, attempting to sell instances of SCP-5402-1 to passers-by in the area. MTF-Lambda-8 attempted to subdue SCP-5402 via a carfentanil-based tranquilizer. As the round was fired, SCP-5402 instantaneously dematerialized. The tranquilizer cartridge was recovered approximately 13m behind SCP-5402's previous position. Also recovered were 13 undelivered issues of SCP-5402-1 in a pile next to SCP-5402's previous position. Microscopic analysis of the tranquilizer cartridge revealed trace amount of skin cells covering the front 1.4mm of the needle. It was determined that SCP-5402 translocated precisely as the needle made contact with its skin.

[CONTAINMENT FAILURE]

Agent Reynolds: I know for a fact I didn't miss. Hell, that kid could've put an apple on his head and I'd've turned it to mist from that distance with my sidearm. No way he saw me either. I was tucked away too far back. It's like…. he was there, and then he just wasn't.

Dr. Stein: I'm almost certain SCP-5402 was not aware of our attempts at containment, the timing for its translocation was far too perfect to be coincidental. It didn't know. More likely, this was some sort of an autonomous defense mechanism from whatever property enables it to translocate. For now we should assume this will protect it from all forms of physical trauma, it took less than a pinprick to set it off this time. We'll need something that takes effect only after it has already entered its system, something it can't evade just by changing location. Otherwise it will simply finish distributing SCP-5402-1 elsewhere. I would recommend something aerosol-based in the future.

07/12/2020: Reports were received in Hamburg, Germany of SCP-5402 on a paper route. MTF-Lambda-8 temporarily abandoned the recovery of copies of SCP-5402-1 to pursue SCP-5402. Agents deployed aerosol canisters of a translucent paralytic agent into SCP-5402's path. The paralytics failed to take effect. After approximately 43 seconds of exposure, SCP-5402 became aware of MTF-Lambda-8's presence and proceeded to give a passing greeting, demonstrating no signs of awareness of their attempts at containment or any other irregularities in their behavior. As MTF agents converged on its position, SCP-5402 dematerialized.

[CONTAINMENT FAILURE]

Agent Ramirez: Damn, what's this kid made of? That paralytic was the same juice we used to take down SCP-████ and he didn't even react.

Dr. Stein: SCP-5402 only continues to get more and more interesting. Apparently the object doesn't rely on the atmosphere in the same manner we do. I suppose this would explain how it services so many realities with conditions presumably totally alien to our own. Does it even really need to breathe? We'll have to find a new means to contain it without triggering its translocation. But for now? We can't risk losing track of it like that when it has more instances of SCP-5402-1 on its person, God forbid we can't find wherever it pops up next. For the time being, I am officially recommending we strictly focus on containment of SCP-5402-1.

Addendum 5402.4:

ACCESS RESTRICTED: LEVEL 3 CREDENTIALS REQUIRED

Closing

AUTHENTIFICATION SUCCESSFUL

The following is a redacted editorial from the 07/19/20 issue of SCP-5402-1

Letter from the Editor-in-Chief

Dear readers and esteemed contributors,

Our last issue of The Cosmic Courant no more than a week ago marks the end of my seventh term as the editor-in-chief of this prestigious publication, a title with which I could have felt no greater pride in. Over the course of these many years, we faced trial and tribulation. Be it the emerging quantum radio industries from the forty-third, or even the ever-rising editorial regulations enforced by the Multiversal Communications Commission, we have gone through many a hurdle to reliably provide you, our cherished readers, with news you can trust.

However, few hurdles have posed such a unique threat to our services as the censors in the thirteenth, who so pretentiously call themselves "The Foundation." At every turn, they've confiscated thousands upon thousands of our issues from paying customers, setting us back for several quarters. Such a heartbreaking sight, seeing such a dystopian setting for discourse in one of our longest-reading regions. Unfortunately, many of their most prestigious members such as Dr. B███ have refused comment as to why exactly they so abhor the newspaper industry. Even our most ardent reporters can't get a straight answer, perhaps it's a result of their obsession with this new "television" fad of theirs.

"News for anywhere, anywhen." Our longstanding motto derived from our very first editor-in-chief, Donovan Disclosure. We at the Courant have gone through wind and rain and fire and brimstone to shine just the smallest light on your everyday lives, and we wouldn't have it any other way. The fight for truth doesn't end at a wall of bureaucracy, so we shall continue making our routine deliveries. It's the least we can do for our many patrons in the thirteenth.

Though your Sunday news may seem a trivial service, we hold it as our highest duty to provide our readers with the truth and shed a light on the world—in our case, worlds plural. And so, as we have for generations, we The Cosmic Courant, the oldest transdimensional weekly in the cosmos, will continue to execute our solemn duty and keep the many masses informed, so that we all may not just have a future, but a brighter one.

Norman Noteworthy

Editor-In-Chief, The Cosmic Courant