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SCP-4628: Pie is Wrong

Author: pieiswrong

Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:22-pie_crimped.jpg

License: Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported

Unbaked SCP-4628-1

Item #: SCP-4628

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: The recipe for SCP-4628-1 is Level 3/4628 Classified.

SCP-4628-2 are to be kept in standard humanoid containment cells. SCP-4628-2 are to wear protective airtight suits at all times. SCP-4628-2 are to attend mandatory remedial and reversal classes. If an accident results in a gross loss of mass to an SCP-4628-2, Site 17 Kitchen Staff are required to be able to reproduce SCP-4628-1 for reintegration.

Preventive action "Operation Pi Day1" is to be conducted every March 14.

Description: SCP-4628-1 is a type of pie crust made with an anomalous recipe titled “Pi Crust for Dummies”. When SCP-4628-1 is ingested, the subject will transform into a pliable light brown entity composed of a mixture of butter, flour, salt, and water similar in consistency to unbaked pie crust. Entities are collectively known as SCP-4628-2. SCP-4628-1’s anomaly only affects humans who have been exposed to the idea of the circle constant pi. Subjects with the belief that pi is inelegant are unaffected. SCP-4628-1's effects are reversible. See Document #: 4628-A1 Reversal Procedure.

SCP-4628-2 retain sapience, speech, and the mass of their original person. SCP-4628-2 do not need to perform any human bodily functions. SCP-4628-2 exposed to the air for long periods of time show signs of staleness associated with pie dough and air exposure. Extended exposure may result in loss of mass via crumbling. SCP-4628-2 can also lose mass via friction, trauma, or contact with other SCP-4628-2. When an SCP-4628-2 is reduced to about 20% of its mass, it will lose sentience. Warped speech and slow vocalizations are signs of an SCP-4628-2 losing too much mass. Separated mass can be reintegrated into an SCP-4628-2's body. SCP-4628-1 also works as a substitute if the lost mass is unrecoverable.

Document #: 4628-A1 Reversal Procedure

To reverse the effects of SCP-4628-1, an SCP-4628-2 must be able to reason why pi as a concept of geometry and trigonometry is aesthetically displeasing or inefficient. To achieve this, SCP-4628 are required to attend remedial and reversal classes. Remedial classes begin with Introduction to Geometry, Area, and Unit Squares and any necessary supplementary lessons. SCP-4628 are required to pass remedial classes to qualify for reversal classes. Reversal classes include teachings from π is Wrong! by Bob Palais, The Tau Manifesto by Michael Hartl, and the Pi Is (still) Wrong series by Victoria Hart. Average SCP-4628-2 can reverse within 1 month of containment under the Foundation curriculum. Special cases have been under remedial classes for upwards of 6 months. An SCP-4628-2 that has reversed but has its preference against pi amnesticized reverts to anomalous dough form.

Document #: 4628-A2 Discovery

The Foundation has been aware of SCP-4628-1 and SCP-4628-2 since its first recorded outbreak on March 14, 2002. The process to reverse SCP-4628-1's anomalous effects as well as its origin came to Foundation awareness three months after the first SCP-4628-2 were contained. On June 28, 2002, an envelope manifested on Anomalous Mathematics researcher Sedric Felizardo’s desk at Site 17. Inside was a letter revealing SCP-4628-1's recipe's author, the author's motives, and how to reverse SCP-4628-1's effects. Along with the letter was a separate document detailing the complete recipe of SCP-4628-1. Testing of reversal procedures was approved immediately after receiving this information. Successful reversal tests led to the implementation of the current containment and reversal procedures. SCP-4628-1's recipe was theorized to have been leaked by its author to the anomalous black-market channels shortly after this development.

Document #: 4628-A3 Letter addressed to researcher Felizardo on June 28, 2002.

+ Level 2 Clearance Required

- Accepted

Dear Sedric,

Fuck pi.

What a joke of a circle constant.

Math is supposed to be easy, beautiful, elegant.

Pi makes math look ugly.

Definition: a circle is a collection of all points a given distance away from a center.

A radius pointing forth like a taut string in the sand.

It draws a curved path as far as its shadow in the sun will take it.

You watch it spin and marvel at its simple beauty,

and the crashing waves,

and the sea birds' calls,

and your lover in your arms.

But Archimedes said "fuck the radius!"

Pi is the ratio of a circle’s diameter to its circumference.

Diameter?? Who fucking cares about diameters Archimedes??

Maybe if you need to jump over a fucking pit,

BUT NOT IN THE HUMAN RACE'S THEORETICAL SPACE OF MATH.

Fuck diameters.

A circle is defined by its radius, not its diameter.

Why the fuck is the circle constant based on the diameter?

Why is 1π in radians a half circle? Who cares about half circles?

Why is a whole circle 2π radians?

NO. UNNECESSARY CONVERSIONS ARE UGLY.

ONE PIE SHOULD BE ONE PI.

No one cares.

It’s not like they’ll need a correct circle constant in the real world.

I care.

I know you care too.

Every March 14th is agony.

Pi is fucking wrong.

I’m sorry Sedric.

I got angry.

I made the pie.

I promise the people don’t feel any pain.

I just need them to learn.

If they learn the truth,

the true circle constant,

only then can they be forgiven.

Fuck pi.

Fuck Pi Day.

Fuck Archimedes.

Fuck this world.

I’m fixing it.

- All my love, Adam I’m still here for you.

Note: Researcher Felizardo claims that the author of the recipe is known Anomalous Language and Anomalous Mathematics extremist Dr. Adam Daniel San Lopez. Felizardo had worked closely with San Lopez in a small faction of anomalous educators in their home country before Felizardo was recruited into the Foundation. San Lopez’s current whereabouts are unknown.

Document #: 4628-A4 SCP-4628-1 Recipe received on June 28, 2002.

+ Level 3/4628 Clearance Required

- Accepted

Pi Crust for Dummies

[Handwritten below the title:] It's so easy, even the ignorant can fucking make it.

Materials:

Medium mixing bowl

Rolling pin

Fork

Plastic wrap or wax paper

Glass pie plate

Latent homophonic meta-actuality descriptors: pi/pie (2)

Ingredients:

2 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

2/3 cup unsalted butter, very cold

5-7 tablespoons ice water

Ignorance of the truth of pi/Knowledge of the truth of tau

Step 1: Mixing Dough

Note:

Channel your ignorance or knowledge into the entirety of the dough creation.

Consciously or subconsciously is fine.

1. Combine flour and salt in the bowl and mix very well.

2. Using the fork, chop the butter into chunks into the bowl.

3. Mix until the ingredients are integrated but still coarse. Pea-sized bits should still be visible.

4. Sprinkle ice water while mixing (1 tablespoon at a time)

5. Add water until the mixture is soft enough to shape but not too wet.

Step 2: Shaping Dough

Note:

Your channeling should have infused the dough with enough energy to trigger the latent homophonic meta-actuality in the dough's true name.

At this stage, the dough is now active.

1. Shape dough into 2 balls.

2. Flatten each ball into a disc.

3. Wrap well in plastic wrap or wax paper and let chill in the fridge for 30 minutes.

4. Remove the dough and let it sit for 5 minutes outside the fridge before rolling.

Step 3: Rolling Pie Crusts

Note:

The shape of the dough does not actually matter in incurring an active homophonic reaction from another human. I don't really care, but traditionally pie crusts must be rolled flat and filled.

1. Sprinkle flour on your workspace and rolling pin.

2. Roll 1 ball of dough flat. It must be big enough to line your pie plate.

3. Lift and place into pie plate.

4. Roll the second ball of dough flat similarly and put aside.

5. Fill your pies however you want, lift the second crust onto the top.

6. Bake your pies however you want. I really don't care.

7. Feed another person and watch the conformists turn into pie crust. Happy Pi Day.

Footnotes

1. Pi Day is a celebration of the circle constant pi held by enthusiasts every March 14 since 1988. This date references pi’s first three digits, 3.14. The celebration is marked by the consumption of pie due to its coincidentally circular nature and play on words.

2. Homophonic meta-actuality descriptors are reality-altering mechanisms triggered by homophones. The Anomalous Language Department is making a list of all known descriptor groups and their uses.