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2/5377 LEVEL 2/5377

CLASSIFIED

Item #: SCP-5377

Special Containment Procedures: All Foundation personnel are to be briefed on SCP-5377. Should any Foundation employee receive an instance of SCP-5377, they should contact their on-site security chief and refrain from touching the envelope. All mail to senior Foundation officials is to be monitored for possible SCP-5377 instances.

Description: SCP-5377 are paper coupons advertising various goods and services, usually offering them for free to the 'lucky recipient' of the coupons. SCP-5377 instances appear to be received exclusively by Foundation employees in the United States through the postal service. They are enclosed in small unmarked envelopes bearing no return address and the mailing address typed out in the font Comic Sans. Each envelope contains a single SCP-5377 instance, measuring 6cm by 8cm. All advertise a unique service, typically in insulting terms; a digitized sample is provided below.

ONE FREE SUMMON

GOOD FOR: HELPING YOU LOSE WEIGHT, YOU FAT FUCK!

Courtesy of Y.W.T.G.T.H.F.T.!

Disclaimer: Y.W.T.G.T.H.F.T. LLC cannot be held liable for any damage, injury, death, mutilation, vivisection, impregnation, ego death, or other form of harm caused by use of promotional coupon. The user accepts all responsibility for any illegal, immoral, or immature activities performed while being serviced by an outside demonic contractor. Outside demonic contractors are not vetted by Y.W.T.G.T.H.F.T. LLC and any statements or actions made by them should not be interpreted as an official company statement or action, as well as vice versa.

Upon making physical contact with an SCP-5377 instance, a planar gateway will open within 3m of the SCP-5377 instance and expel a single Tartarean-class demonic entity. This entity will typically be large, dangerous, semihumanoid, and propelled by the desire to complete the task laid out on the SCP-5377 instance by any means necessary. The safety and continued life of the user are generally not taken into account. Many entities also take particularly loose interpretations of the task, attempting to cause as much grief, suffering, and minor inconvenience in the life of the user they can.

In practice, the disclaimer on the SCP-5377 instance is so small as to be completely illegible to the average individual. This, combined with the touch activation, resulted in a great deal of demonic entities being summoned by personnel unaware of what they are doing.

An abridged list of SCP-5377 instances follows.

SCP-5377.1

Received By: Tom Segoyah, Research Analyst, Site-30

Good For: "HELPING YOU LOSE WEIGHT, YOU FAT FUCK!"

Results: A large demonic entity materialized in Segoyah's apartment and immediately began to pursue Segoyah, threatening to eat him if captured. Entity chased Segoyah, who was slightly overweight, across several counties for 41 hours of nonstop running, at which point Segoyah collapsed of dehydration and suffered a fatal heart attack. The entity physically removed several pounds of flesh from Segoyah's corpse before dematerializing. Segoyah's weight at time of recovery was 98lbs, less than half of what he had weighed prior to the incident.

SCP-5377.4

Received By: Charlie Benningham, Security Guard, Site-19

Good For: "MAKING SURE SHE'S NOT BEING UNFAITHFUL, LOSER!"

Results: A feminine demonic entity materialized in Benningham's home but quickly disappeared. Benningham retrieved his service weapon and immediately reported an anomalous event to Site-19 Security, and a Tactical Response Team was deployed to the Benningham family home. Upon arrival, they discovered Benningham at the doorway to the master bedroom, curled up in the fetal position and weeping as the demonic entity engaged in consensual intercourse with his wife, dematerializing as they 'finished'. Benningham later stated that he had been struggling with suspicions of infidelity from his wife recently.

SCP-5377.9

Received By: Sarah Selwater, Senior Researcher, Site-19

Good For: "PROVIDING SOME FAITHFUL COMPANY, LOSER!"

Results: The exact sequence of events were recovered from a security camera in Selwater's dormitory at Site-19's Sublevel 35. The envelope is sitting on on her desk as she walks into the room and closes the door behind her. Upon making contact with the coupon, a demonic entity manifests, clutching the leashes to two large Alaskan timber wolves. They are struggling against their leashes. The demonic entity lets go and the two wolves immediately leap on Selwater, mauling her and tearing her to shreds with their jaws and teeth. She remains alive for several minutes, well beyond what should have been possible given her injuries, and finally expires when the wolves begin to consume her body.1

SCP-5377.13

Received By: Terry Rosen, Head of Research, Site-12

Good For: "FIXING YOUR POSTURE, DORK!"

Results: A demonic entity manifested in Rosen's office holding a pistol. For the next 13 hours, it proceeded to hold Rosen at gunpoint while forcing him to continue his normal duties on his computer workstation. When Rosen's posture slumped or he leaned forward, the entity would threaten to shoot him, aggressively waving the pistol. During the 13th hour, Rosen leaned down to pick up a pen he had dropped and the entity shot him in the leg before dematerializing in frustration.

SCP-5377.17

Received By: Clarice Weller, Foundation Media Director

Good For: "GETTING YOUR REVENGE, WASHOUT!"

Results: A demonic entity manifested in Weller's office before immediately demanifesting. The demon promptly manifested in the office of John Calorman, the CEO of Calorman-Greene Marketing (Weller's former place of employment), 145 miles away. It subsequently forced Calorman to log into his computer before throwing him out of his nineteenth-story window to the street below. It used Calorman's computer to send Weller an email confirming that she was, in fact, still fired.

SCP-5377.20

Received By: Tilda Moose, Site-19 Director

Good For: "PUTTING YOU BACK WHERE YOU BELONG, SNAKE!"

Results: The envelope was opened by Director Moose's secretary. A gateway materialized in the room, but opened to reveal that it was a Way2 allowing access to Nx-001, the Wanderer's Library. A demonic entity entered through it, assaulted and grabbed the secretary, likely under the impression they were Director Moose, and took them through the Way, which disappeared after them. Director Moose denies any knowledge regarding the background context of the incident.

SCP-5377.21

Received By: O5-6

Good For: "MAKING THAT SON OF A BITCH PAY, MOTHERFUCKER!"

Results: Due to the increased security after the incident with Director Moose, the mail was intercepted well before it came close to O5-6 or his secretaries. All attempts to destroy it simply resulted in another envelope arriving the next day. It was instead triggered in a controlled laboratory environment using D-19471.

In Boston, an advertising shoot for Kellogg's Frosted Flakes was interrupted by the manifestation of a demonic entity that immediately grabbed and violently assaulted the individual wearing the costume of Tony the Tiger, the longtime mascot of the Frosted Flakes brand. It proceeded to injure Tony, breaking their bones, skinning their back, snapping their spine while mutilating and slashing them with various loose objects, generally brutalizing the individual. The entity demanifested after authorities arrived and Tony the Tiger's actor expired from his injuries. All witnesses were amnesticized. O5-6 has declined to comment.

Footnotes

1. Selwater's body was discovered several hours later and the unexpected presence of the wolves resulted in severe injuries to another researcher before they were terminated.

2. Ways and Means, Rsr. Stan Edlock, 1994.