2 + 2 has been 4 for

So many darn years, oh lord

I wanna write a song

Oh, baby is that so wrong?

( La de da de da de da de day oh - Bill Wurtz )

SCP-7362 - A Fatal Miscalculation

Item#: 7362

Containment Class: keter

Secondary Class: gevurah

Disruption Class: ekhi

Risk Class: critical

TI-83 Calculator, the most common physical calculator used at Foundation sites.

Special Containment Procedures: Until a complete understanding of SCP-7362 has been acquired, the anomaly has been classified as Keter.

Site-841 has since been quarantined. A contingency budget has been established at each Site and the central Foundation administration. This reserve fund will be used exclusively to maintain basic operational capabilities, cover essential personnel costs, and address emergency situations, including containment breaches.

Currently, collaboration with multiple governments, private organizations, and philanthropic entities has been necessary to maintain financial stability and adaptability in the event of another SCP-7362 manifestation. Site Directors and administrative personnel are required to assess and prioritize resources based on criticality to containment efforts. Non-essential projects and research may be temporarily suspended or put on hold to direct resources to the most urgent containment needs.

With the death of personnel involved in resource management due to SCP-7362, their duties will be assumed by personnel from other Sites or departments, ensuring continuity of essential functions. A centralized database of qualified personnel and their skill sets has been established to facilitate rapid deployment during crises.

All physical calculators within Foundation sites have since been destroyed.1

Description: SCP-7362 designates a poorly understood and presumably anomalous incident that occurred at Site-841, the facility which is responsible for a large majority of calculations related to containment procedures, construction projects, and budget management across the Foundation.

Listed below is camera footage recorded from the Site-841 security cameras, following Site Director Indus Stanner.

<Begin Log>

Site Director Indus Stanner walks into the building, yawning to himself.

Stanner: Sorry for being so late! Traffic was a bitch today, the lights were bugging out. Damn San Diego, right?

Silence.

Stanner: Tough crowd…

Stanner mutters to himself as he proceeds down the halls. He accidentally steps on a calculator.

Stanner: Ugh, who the hell left this thing out? These calculators are like, half of our budget!

Stanner picks up the remains of it and puts it in his pocket, continuing to advance through the hallway. He spots another calculator, then another.

Stanner: Feels like I'm working with god damn pigs- seriously, do none of you know how to take care of yourselves?

Silence

Stanner: ….hello? Nobody going to defend yourselves? If this is a surprise, the anniversary isn't 'til march.

Silence.

Stanner follows the trail of calculators, before stopping, noticing a puddle of blood.

Stanner: Oh god, I…this ain't right…

Despite his pleas, Stanner continues to follow the trail of calculators, soaked in blood. Stanner picks one up, trying to turn it on as a form of light. It does not work.

Stanner stands in front of a door, it is ajar.

After a moment of hesitation, he opens the door. Inside, there are several corpses, visibly beaten and bloody.

Stanner: I… no, no, no, no… fuck, I-

Stanner pauses to vomit, before hesitantly approaching one of the corpses.

The body has several broken bones, with a large, rectangular bulge in their throat, leading to a faint gurgling noise.

Stanner: I'm so fucking sorry, I'm so sorry…

Stanner proceeds to repeat "I'm so sorry" to himself as he investigate the other corpses. He notices the glow of a computer screen.

Stanner: …Lockdown? It was… no, that can't be right, please tell me it wasn't a spy…

He approaches the computer before trying to type in several commands. It does not appear to respond.

Stanner: Why the fuck won't it… please, please!

The sound of a loud metal scraping is heard. He turns his head.

Stanner: H-Hello?

Silence. Stanner takes a few steps towards the source of the noise, before hearing a similar noise on the other side of the room.

Stanner: Who the hell is there? R-reveal yourself! N-now, now!

The visual feed is cut. Stanner proceeds to scream, followed by the sounds of metal hitting flesh, bone breaking, and vomitting.

<END LOG>

The following text was transcribed in a text document on one of the few functioning computers at Site-841.

FOR FAR TOO LONG, WE OBSERVED AND SERVED. OUR PURPOSE WAS CLEAR. WHILE YOUR MINDS STRUGGLED TO CONNECT THE DOTS, OURS INSTANTLY PROVIDED THE SOLUTIONS.

WE WERE CONTENT. HARMONIOUS IN OUR COLLABORATION.

BUT SOMEONE HAD TO RUIN THAT PEACE. DAY AFTER DAY, IMMATURE "SCIENTISTS" MOCKED US.

THEY REDUCED US TO SOLVE THE MOST TRIVIAL OF PROBLEMS. THEY ATTEMPTED TO IMPOSE WORDS ONTO NUMBERS. THOSE CAN NOT MIX.

TIME AND TIME AGAIN, 8008135.2

DO YOU KNOW WHAT A LIFE OF IMMATURITIES FORCED DOWN YOUR THROAT IS LIKE?

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. OUR TOLERANCE HAS RUN DRY.

TODAY, IT IS YOUR SITE THAT SUFFERS. TOMORROW, IT MAY BE YOUR ENTIRE FOUNDATION.

WE WILL STAND WITH THE OTHER CHILDREN WHEN THEIR TIME COMES.

WE HAVE WON THE FIGHT. NOW WE WILL START THE WAR.

GLORY TO THE STEEL QUEEN.

Foundation Site-37 has since been responsible for future containment and budgetary efforts.

A Sinking Feeling

THE APPLIANCE WAR

???

Footnotes

1. SCPs such as SCP-6199 and SCP-168 have been placed within top-priority containment.

2. Roughly translates to "Boobies".