Potato Leek Soup - SCP Foundation

Fifty-seven stars littered the sky.

🕰️ Word Count: 18.7k Words 🕰️

Potato Leek Soup

Ingredients:

2 Large Leeks

2 Cloves of Garlic

6 Large Potatos

2 Tbsp Salted Butter

2 Teaspoons of Salt

1 Teaspoon of Black Pepper

1 Cup of Cream

6 Cups of Chicken Broth/Stock

1 Sprig of Thyme

2 Bay Leaves

1 Teaspoon of Garlic Powder

Preparation:

Cut your leeks at the root end and halfway up the greens and chop each leek in half. Thoroughly wash between each and every layer of the leeks, as they will have plenty of dirt trapped within. Chop your leeks. Peel both cloves of garlic and crush.

Peel, then dice your potatos and let them sit in a bowl of water for at least 15 minutes.

Cooking

In a Dutch oven, throw in your butter and let melt at high heat. Then, add crushed cloves of garlic and your chopped leeks and let simmer for approximately 3 minutes at medium heat. Add in your potatoes and let simmer for a further minute. Then add in your salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Add in all of your chicken broth/stock. Increase the temp to bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to a simmer and add your thyme and bay leaves. Let simmer for 15 minutes.

After 15 minutes, try to pierce the potatos with a fork. If you can pierce them with no resistance, turn off the heat. Fish out the bay leaves, and mash the soup. After fully mashed, add the whole cup of cream to the soup and mix.

Enjoy!

- Clarke Family Recipe

The familiar scent of cooked potatoes filled the whole kitchen, only being cut by the aroma of fried onions and garlic.

Grabbing two towels, he picked up the Dutch oven and moved it to the dining room. His mother hurried around, grabbing a heat-safe placemat to set the Dutch oven on. Finally, a loaf of old, pre-sliced sourdough bread was brought to the table.

And they began to eat.

"Andy?" she said.

"Yes?"

"Do you want to do anything tonight?"

"Like?"

"Oh, I don't know. Watch a movie? Play a board game? Something. Anything, really."

"Maybe."

"Heh. That's not a no!"

"Yeah…"

Their spoon is dipped into the soup. Andy eased the spoon into their mouth to taste it. Hot. It is too hot.

"This is really good." He stated.

"Thank you."

"Same recipe as always?"

"Oh, you caught me!"

She laughed.

…

"Do you ever talk to your Aunt Shelly?"

"Sometimes."

"How is she going along?"

"Alright."

"When was the last time you two talked?"

"A week ago."

"Ah."

A torn chunk of sourdough bread was dipped into the soup. He blew on it in a feeble attempt to cool it down before eating it.

"What about you?"

"Hm?"

"When was the last time you and her-"

"Oh. A few weeks ago. Or a few months ago. You know?"

"Yeah."

Minutes passed until the soup was gone. Tasty, as it had always been. He used the remaining sourdough to soak up all of the remaining soup in his bowl.

"I can take that if you're done with it." She said, outstretching her hand.

"It's alright."

"You sure?"

"I can get it."

"Okay, then."

Plates and bowls clanked against each other as they were moved to the kitchen. When he was done, he emptied the Dutch oven into boxes of Tupperware and then into the fridge.

The sink water rushed out of the faucet. He grabbed a sponge to vigorously scrub at the Dutch oven until every single speck of dirtiness was cleansed.

Looking over at his mother, he saw her scrape chunks of food off of the plates into the trash can before they got crammed into the dishwasher.

…

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Footsteps rung as Andy Clarke ascended the staircase. He rested upon his bed as he finally entered his room. Andy allowed the warmth and heat of his body to be drained by the cool, soft bedsheets he rested on.

And yet, a light shone directly on his eyes. A turn later, Andy glanced at his curtain.

A curtain that had never quite actually fully closed.

Several groans later, Andy rolled over on his side away from the light. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep. After twenty-three minutes, Andy's eyes opened.

An urge overwhelmed him which drove him to grab his phone.

Mom

I found a nice place. The rent is only about $1,400 a month and it's with a roommate.

I still don't like it.

Mom…

It's only your second year. I mean living in it is going to be nice and all, but it would be way better for you to only get it next year.

I put in a lot of hours over the summer to pay for this.

Only on part-time. Also let's not talk about how stressful this is going to be for you.

Stressful?

Studying for school & working a lot of hours at a job.

Not any more stressful than living in the dorms.

Come on.

I hated it there.

I went through my first four years of college in a dorm & you can't even go through one?

Because I could barely sleep, focus, or study in it!

Andy…

I mean it. I'll be happier at my own place.

I really doubt that.

It's already been set up.

Fine. But don't come crawling to me asking for me to help pay for it.

Tap.

Typically, the sound of a phone being turned off is not that loud, not that noticeable. Yet, at the moment, it seemed to Andy that it was the loudest sound in the world. Andy closed his eyes, drifting to sleep.

Boarding Pass

Flight
Date
Origin
Destination
Seat

823
12/AUG/2023
Pittsburgh, PA
Denver, CO
17B

Departure: 05:30

Passenger Name: Andy Clarke

Three hours. It took Andy three hours to assemble that simple, stupid desk.

He glanced over to a mattress which was fixed to the ground, accompanied by a box that contained an as-of-yet unassembled bed frame.

Thirsty, he reached for a cup and tried to sip out of it. It was empty. He left his room to go to the kitchen for more water.

Tap water filled the glass. Andy took one sip and nearly spat it out. Not exactly a bad taste, but rather an extremely off one.

A year spent living in Boulder, and this would be the first time that tap water tasted bad to him. He normally didn't mind unfiltered water. He hadn't normally minded it, at least.

…

Cold air rushed over him as he opened the fridge. Crisp, cool, calming air. An analysis of his fridge saw disappointment.

Two containers of cold, buttered noodles,

Three eggs left in a carton,

And a bottle of rum.

Not exactly a meal he envied for the fourth day in a row. So he checked his balance.

$127.37

Takeout would not be an option. The money he had would have to last.

Mom

Phone Call Record

Susan: Andy?

Andy: Hey Mom.

Susan: Hi!

Andy: How are you holding up?

Susan: Oh, you know. Just awful!

Andy: Uh huh?

Susan: I know it's only been a week, but it has felt like forever. Hasn't it?

Andy: It's only been four days.

Susan: Anyways, what are you calling me for?

Andy: Bit of a weird question - but do you have the family recipe for potato leek soup?

Susan: What?

Andy: Uh, the recipe for-

Susan: No, no. I mean- I heard you. Just… what? Why?

Andy: Oh, I was just interested in it. I mean - I ate it the other day with you and it just tasted really great.

Susan: Really?

Andy: Yeah. I just want to know how to make it. Think it would be useful to know and whatnot.

Susan: Well, um. Yeah! Sure. Let me find it really quick.

Andy: Thank you.

Horrid. It truly turned out as a horrid meal.

Not when his mother made it, of course. But this was his first-ever attempt at even trying to cook. Ignore the noodles he boiled or the eggs he fried, this was a full-blown meal. His family's prized meal. A mean which he completely messed up.

The pantry revealed next-to-nothing aside from salt, pepper, butter, and garlic powder. Luckily, the grocery store was around a five-minute walk away.

Inside, he grabbed as much as he could remember as he hadn't bothered to write anything down.

A cheap can of dried thyme,

A single, four-cup carton of chicken stock,

The first six potatoes he saw,

And a single head of garlic.

His biggest pain was that he did not have or buy a vegetable peeler. Resorting to using a flimsy knife to cut off any skin or eyes, he chopped off at least a tenth of his total worth of potatoes.

The potatoes were unwashed. Before, during, and after they were prepared. Dirt which clung to the potato's skin clung to the knife, which rubbed off on the clean interiors of the potatoes as they were cut. All with the flawed reasoning that he had convinced himself of being that the potatoes would be cleaned off in the bowl of water.

While a rough chop was called for the leeks, they were given an impatient hacking-at by Andy. No care was given to ensure that the leeks were clean. Large chunks of soil and earth remained attached to the leeks as they were finished being prepared.

At the very least, Andy didn't waste anything. He used all of the leeks. The roots, dried inedible leaves, and all.

A realization dawned upon him at the last moment; he had no garlic crusher. Instead, he elected to use a mug to smash the garlic that was by some miracle peeled by him.

Without a Dutch oven he was left no choice other than to use a simple, standard pot. The temperature was far, far too high. Garlic and leeks burned the second they touched the pot. Even as he smelled smoke, he let the aromatics burn for the whole three-minutes as the recipe described before he added potatoes. Thankfully, the potatoes still had some water with them and didn't burn.

Whatever little chicken stock he bought was not enough. It failed to cover all of the potatoes without even being simmered down yet.

A second forgotten memory came back. He had not purchased bay leaves at the store. Pushed to the back of his mind, he added in all of the spices. For all three seasonings he used, they all were produced at such a fast speed that he had to have poured in at least twice of the seasonings that the recipe called for.

Unstirred, the boiling potatoes overflowed twice after he tried to cover them.

The one thing Andy had remembered to purchase was a masher. He exerted nearly his full body weight on the masher to, unsuccessfully, grind the potatoes and leeks into chunks.

After the fifteen minutes had passed, Andy turned off the heat and took the soup off of the burner.

It was hot. It was salty. It was peppery. It tasted charred. At times it felt like he was drinking sand. He would find long strands of poorly-chopped leeks that got stuck in his teeth. It was a struggle to choke down his pathetic excuse of a soup. While he did, he opened his phone.

Lauren

Heyyy. I just got back.

welcome back!

I'm going to be working most of next week, but should be free for the weekend.

nice.

do you want to hang out at my apartment over the weekend?

You have an apartment?

yea

That'd be cool.

alright

Maybe Saturday after I get off work?

sure. I can pick you up if you'd like

Alright.

see you then

Leftover portions of the soup were placed in containers and then into the fridge. Even if the food was awful, he wouldn't let it go to waste.

Despite his hardest attempts, he couldn't fully clean up. A residue wound up being stuck to the bottom of the pot that would never quite come off. Likely some mix of burnt butter, garlic, and leeks.

Looking into the shopping bag, Andy remembered an impulse buy they had made.

An ice cube.

Although not much, it would at the very least make the tap water he hated taste cold.

Date Range: ………………………………………….. AUG/20 | AUG/26

Potential Earnings

$457.65

Before Taxes & Deductions

Total Time Punched

30:01

- View Time Punch Details -

~ 21/AUG/2023 - 04:07 Hours Worked

~ 22/AUG/2023 - 06:01 Hours Worked

~ 24/AUG/2023 - 06:15 Hours Worked

~ 25/AUG/2023 - 08:32 Hours Worked

~ 26/AUG/2023 - 05:36 Hours Worked

- Hide Time Punch Details -

Andy grabbed a backpack and hastily shoved his nametag into it. He adorned a non-company sweater and left the breakroom. He walked to the parking lot. A car horn blared as it drove in front of him.

"Andy!"

"Hey."

"You ready to leave?"

"Yep.

Andy throws their backpack into the backseat and sits in the passenger seat.

"So how have you been?"

"Good, good. How'd your summer go."

"Oh, you know. Just spent it here-"

The car drives out of the parking lot.

"-and you're still down to head to my place, by the way?"

"Yep."

"Rad."

"How's your sister holding up?"

"Probably good. I don't really know."

"Oh?"

"We haven't really talked since the start of the summer."

"Oh."

"Yeah… But what about you. How's your mom hanging in there?"

"She's getting better. Quit smoking, drinking, and all that stuff. But at this point…"

"The damage is already done?"

"Yeah."

"Jesus. Sorry for you.

"Thanks, Lauren."

"Ah shit."

"What?"

"I haven't told you yet."

"Told me what?"

"I don't really go by the name 'Lauren' anymore. I started going by 'Quint' over the summer."

"Oh. Sorry."

"You're good."

"Where'd you get the name Quint, anyway."

"I saw it in an old movie."

…

"Was it Jaws?"

"… Yeah."

"Fair enough."

…

"So… what prompted you - to start going by Quint."

"Do you know what being non-binary is?"

"Yeah."

"So…"

"I'm going to take a wild fucking guess and ask if you're non-binary."

"Bingo. And you're chill with that?"

"Of course."

"Thank you."

"No problem."

Two car doors opened at once. Then, Andy and Quint walked into Quint's apartment.

Potato Leek Soup

Ingredients:

2 Large Leeks

2 Cloves of Garlic

6 Large Potatos

2 Tbsp Salted Butter

2 Teaspoons of Salt

1 Teaspoon of Black Pepper

1 Cup of Cream

6 Cups of Chicken Broth/Stock

1 Sprig of Thyme

2 Bay Leaves

1 Teaspoon of Garlic Powder

Preparation:

Cut your leeks at the root end and halfway up the greens and chop each leek in half. Thoroughly wash between each and every layer of the leeks, as they will have plenty of dirt trapped within. Chop your leeks. Peel both cloves of garlic and crush.

Peel, then dice your potatos and let them sit in a bowl of water for at least 15 minutes.

Cooking

In a Dutch oven, throw in your butter and let melt at high heat. Then, add crushed cloves of garlic and your chopped leeks and let simmer for approximately 3 minutes at medium heat. Add in your potatos and let simmer for a further minute. Then add in your salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Add in all of your chicken broth/stock. Increase the temp to bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to a simmer and add your thyme and bay leaves. Let simmer for 15 minutes.

After 15 minutes, try to pierce the potatos with a fork. If you can pierce them with no resistance, turn off the heat. Fish out the bay leaves, and mash the soup. After fully mashed, add the whole cup of cream to the soup and mix.

Enjoy!

- Clarke Family Recipe

"How exactly in the flying fuck did you manage to burn soup?"

"I don't know."

"It's soup. As in - that shit made of water that you boil stuff in. It is quite literally the opposite of burning."

"To be fair- it wasn't actually while I was boiling it."

"Oh yeah. I assumed as such."

"Then why were you giving me such a hard time about burning it?"

"Because the concept of burnt soup sounds funny."

"…"

"You should try changing it around a bit."

"Changing what?"

"The recipe. Changing the temperature and whatnot to try to avoid burning it. Each stovetop might be different from another."

"What if I undercook it?"

"It's a vegetarian soup. Not like it'll kill you."

"I guess."

"I don't know. Not too much of a chef anymore. Just try to change the recipe until you find something that you like."

"Thanks."

…

Three times.

Andy thrice checked the shopping list. Seventeen days had passed since he had first tried making the soup. This time, he had prepared a list of the right amount of all the ingredients that he needed. This included all of the tools that he should need. Paramount being a new, $65 Dutch oven.

With a new vegetable peeler, the skin was easily peeled off of all of the potatoes as he needed them. Roots severed and leeks bisected, Andy ran the leeks under cold water and meticulously washed out any semblance of dirt and filth before chopping them. He still came close to having accidentally severed his fingers three times.

In unison, all of his preparation saw improvement.

And even then, with all of his preparation and care, he still forgot the garlic crusher. Rather than use an old reliable mug, he elected to merely peel and chop the garlic. He reasoned that the bigger chunks would burn slower, anyways. Which was what it was about.

The Dutch oven was placed on the stove at a medium-low heat, as Andy now wanted to carefully raise the temperature. Still-cold butter was allowed to melt in the Dutch oven. Just enough butter had been saved from making toast that morning for it. Andy would have to run to the store to get more butter for the rest of the week, later. Finally, in went the garlic and leeks. That was it - it would be important for him to get it right. A new factor Andy had learned was to frequently stir to disperse heat and prevent burning via movement.

Nervousness overswept him. It didn't seem like there was enough fat in the Dutch oven. Maybe it was too wide? Maybe something else went wrong? Regardless as the seconds passed it became more and more likely to him that something was going to burn.

Andy looked around his kitchen. He knew he was out of butter, with all that he had left being a bottle of olive oil. Without much time to think, he let a glug of olive oil into the Dutch oven. That was it. The pot began to sputter and hiss at him as the olive oil dispersed throughout it.

Yet, it seemed to do the trick. The veggies weren't charred. When three minutes passed, he added in stock to deglaze the pan and ensure that any burned surfaces were completely destroyed.

The rest of the cooking time was similar to his original attempt, albeit better executed. More stock, better chunks, and better mashing all contributed. He especially placed care on the seasonings he let into the soup in order to avoid another over-seasoned mess.

When the soup was done, he turned off the burner and served it in a bowl. By this point, Andy knew that he had to wait for the soup to cool down. As he waited in anticipation, he made a call.

Mom

Phone Call Record

Susan: Hey Andy. What's up?

Andy: Not much. Just calling back to ask about the soup.

Susan: What about it?

Andy: Just the recipe you sent me.

Susan: Yeah?

Andy: Are you sure you sent me the right recipe? Right ratios, cooking time, and whatnot?

Susan: Um. Yeah? I'm pretty sure.

Andy: Huh.

Susan: Is something wrong with it?

Andy: Yeah, no. It's just… I don't know.

Susan: Well, I can double-check it. It might just be something on your end; lack of experience or whatnot. I ought to've taught you how to make it when you were here.

Andy: Yeah…

Susan: But I guess that means that you should visit me sometime soon, huh?

Andy: Yep. Soon.

Susan: You got a plan figured out yet?

Andy: Not yet. But - could you just send me the recipe again? Double-check that it's the right one.

Susan: Of course.

Andy: I think it is the correct one. But it's just like… better to confirm it. You know?

Susan: Yeah. I'll send it to you again.

Andy: Thanks.

Susan: Love you.

Andy: Love you.

He waited, waited, waited. A wait for the soup to finally cool down. Once the wait had passed, he sipped his first bite of the soup. It was a great improvement of the first, truly. Yet it still didn't taste quite right…

Presentable, sure. If he had been able to eat the first soup, this would be easy. But it still just tasted off, for whatever reason.

Before he knew it, the soup was gone. Immediately followed by him storing the soup in his fridge.

And then came the dishes, utensils, and other implements that all sat around the kitchen. All of them, dirty.

Andy pondered simply deciding to store them in the dishwasher, out of his sight and mind as they were roughly cleaned. Then he remembered his childhood, how often he pointed out dirt and residue on dishes only for his mother to dismiss him, claiming that he had OCD and was making a deal out of nothing.

So he got to work. It took nearly an hour, but he did it. All of the dishes were scrubbed clean of their sin by the time he was done.

His phone read 11:47 P.M.. Which meant it was time for him to visit Quint and watch a movie.

…

Quint pressed a button on their remote. It activated the television. While the streaming service loaded, Quint looked through their fridge.

"You want anything?"

"Nah."

The fridge was then closed.

"I'm going to microwave some popcorn. You sure you don't want any?"

"You know what? Fine."

"Heh."

A single bag of popcorn was placed in the microwave. A few minutes passed before it was ready, at which point Quint tried to hand the bag to Andy.

"I'll wait."

"Really?"

"It's only a few minutes."

"Okay!"

When the second bag was ready, it was granted to Andy. He was joined by Quint as they jumped over the couch next to Andy.

"You ready?"

"Yep."

A button on the remote was clicked. The opening credits of The Thing played.

At first, black completely filled the screen. Pure, empty black which was then broken by the opening credits of the movie. When the credits finished, fifty-seven stars littered the screen.

One of the stars transformed into a spaceship that zoomed toward the camera and then to Earth. The spaceship landed in a cold, desolate land also known as Antartica.

…

The film ended with a shot of a bright fire which had engulfed the entirety of the facility, one that would inevitably burn it to the ground.

A facility, built long before, soon to be nothing.

"What a movie." Andy remarked.

"I know, right?"

"I don't know why I didn't see it sooner."

"It's probably my favorite movie, honestly."

"Yeah. I see why."

Fixation overwhelmed him as the final seconds of the movie played. Specifically, he paid attention to just how bright the fire was. How it made a beacon which shone in an otherwise empty, dark, and baren landscape.

"Do you know what time it is?"

He checked his phone.

"One fifty-three A.M."

"Jesus."

"Kinda getting late."

"Yeah… You know. Only a bit late."

"I should probably start heading back. I need to fix up my sleep schedule."

"That is a good idea, yeah."

The pair stood. Quint stretched as Andy checked his phone. While Quint stretched, they saw the back of their hand. Their nails adorned dark-purple nail polish.

"Hey Andy."

"Yeah?"

"You ever had your nails done before?"

"Nope."

"Do you want to have your nails done? Should only be about ten minutes."

"Sure.

A set of nail polish is retrieved and brought before Andy. The set is opened and several unique shades are presented.

"Alright. Pick a color."

"This one."

"Black?"

"Is that alright?

"Of course."

His hands eased while Quint guided them.

"Hold them steady. I don't want to get any polish on your skin."

Over eleven minutes, Quint did Andy's nails. It took time for the polish to dry. But when it was dry, Andy held their new painted nails up in admiration.

"Wow."

"You like them?"

"Yeah. Thank you."

"No problem."

…

10:00

An alarm blared. Andy yawned and stretched his arms, noticing the black which still covered their nails.

Mono colored, pristine, semi-beautiful black. Even after a whole night's rest, it had-

Their alarm blared again, now reading 10:05 A.M.

It was quickly shut off, as well as the other seven alarms Andy had set to ensure he woke up around the right time every morning.

Their roommate's door was open. He was relaxed on his bed and typed on his phone. He barely elected to grant Andy a glance as Andy scurried by with their hand curled into a fist to ensure that their roommate didn't see their nails.

In the kitchen, Andy checked his balance.

Bank

Aunt Shelley has sent you $275.00.

To help you out with the first few weeks of food for college. Congrats on the apartment!

Aunt Shelley

Phone Call Record

Andy: Hey.

Shelley: Hey. How ya doing?

Andy: Good. And yourself?

Shelley: Ah. I'm doing alright here, you know?

Andy: Yeah? How's Jess doing?

Shelley: Good. She's picking up Cole from practice right now.

Andy: Nice.

Shelley: Did you see the money that I sent you?

Andy: Yeah. That's why I'm calling. Thank you.

Shelley: Don't mention it.

Andy: You didn't have to do that, though.

Shelley: You kidding me? I don't know how much you have but I know college is rough. Especially nowadays.

Andy: Yeah…

Shelley: I remember when I was going through it. Half of the time I was surviving on microwave meals and tv dinners. The other half I had nothing at all. I don't want you to go through that.

Andy: Well thank you.

Shelley: When are you starting college?

Andy: In a week or two.

Shelley: Uh huh?

Andy: Mostly I've just been spending my time back getting ready for it. You know?

Shelley: Yeah. Well I better not get around wasting any more of your time.

Andy: It's okay, we can still talk.

Shelley: No, no. I also probably have to get a head start on dinner soon.

Andy: Aww.

Shelley: I'll talk to you later, then.

Andy: See ya.

The fridge door swung open, a single-serving container of the potato leek soup being taken from it. With the lid removed, it was set in the microwave to cook for four minutes.

A reflection was visible on the microwave. While faint, Andy really had no choice but to stare into it as the minutes passed. That was until Andy raised their hand, taking a glance at their nail polish. Now, despite being a less-close look, they saw the imperfections in their nails. Minor nicks, scratches, and all sorts of blemishes dotted their nails.

The faucet began pouring out water as they applied soap to their nails. There was a wait as the water began to heat. Nail polish on the edge of their nails where it met their skin curled. Andy picked at those curls in an attempt to peel off as much as they could.

The water got hotter, and hotter, and hotter. Until it was so hot that they yanked it back in pain.

Then the microwave beeped, cutting them off.

…

Cold. It was cold. The soup was cold. Not hot, not warm, not lukewarm, but cold. They would have put it back into the microwave to heat it further, except that merely feeling the soup seemed to overwhelm Andy with a sense of vertigo - making them sit down.

A decision was reached to just eat the cold soup. Beside, Andy heard something about potato leek soup traditionally being served cold. Surely this would be good.

…

Abhorrent. An abhorrent, abnormally uninviting soup in stark contrast to the presentable soup the prior night.

Still, Andy scarfed it down.

When Andy had finished the soup, they walked to the sink and cleaned it. The soup seemed to easily wash away. At least, wash away much easier than their nail polish had. Andy looked at their nails one last time, noting how they looked similar to when they had awoken.

Grocery List

6x Potatoes

1x Carton of Milk

12x Cans of Soda

The cashier scanned Andy's select few items. The beeping of scanner and overall noise were drowned out by an abject nothing that flooded Andy's ears.

"That'll by $20.15."

"Huh?"

"Your total."

"Oh, sorry."

Their credit card was inserted into the reader.

"I like your nails."

"Thank you."

"Where'd you get the polish from? It looks nice."

"One of my friends."

"Ah. Well, I think your nails look pretty regardless."

"Thank you."

…

17:20

The key slid into the lock and the front door opened. Andy put all of the groceries they had bought into their fridge and cupboards.

After the last grocery is put in the fridge, they take out the final portion of potato leek soup. Their roommate is nowhere to be seen, although Andy assumed they had eaten some of it.

Six minutes. The soup spent six minutes in the microwave. By the time it was done, it was so hot that Andy needed oven gloves to remove it. They knew it would be a while before it cooled down to a point of edibility.

Rather than wait, Andy opened their freezer and pulled out the ice cube tray. They popped out a single ice cube and dropped it in the soup, using their spoon to stir it around.

When they took a sip, the soup was palatable. Better than being eaten cold and arguably better than the night it was cooked, but still just not quite there.

Hello, Andy!

You have started your shift at 16:58.

Your shift is scheduled to end at 22:30. You are entitled to receive one rest break throughout the shift.

25/SEP/2023

"Andy!"

"Quint?"

"Hey!"

"Hey. Why are you here?"

Quint showed Andy a six-pack of energy drinks.

"For you."

"Aww. Thanks."

The nail has been picked off of Andy's nails, which Quint glances at. They point at Andy's hand.

"Did you not like them?"

"Oh, no. I did. I just woke up and they mostly had fallen off already. Figured I'd remove them."

"Uh huh?"

"I was actually thinking about getting some of my own."

"Like, to apply?"

"Yeah."

"Holy shit."

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing. But you should totally come over to my place later so I can help you learn how to apply it."

"I can't today."

"Then in a few days?"

"Sure."

…

With the scribbling of a sharpie, a sticky-note was placed on Andy's drinks to assert them as theirs to their roommate.

After that, Andy moved to their room and sat down at their desk. They opened their laptop to pass later into the night.

Throughout the night, Andy grew curious.

🔍︎ Search the web

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🔍︎ Prettiest nail polish colors

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🔍︎ Tutorial for applying nail polish at home

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🔍︎ Where to buy nail polish in Boulder, Colorado

Andy watched as an unfamiliar person left Quint's apartment and walked to a car. As they drove away, Andy moved to knock on Quint's door.

"Hey Andy. Come in!"

They enter the house.

"Who was that?"

"Huh?"

"That person who just left your apartment. I saw them walking out."

"Oh, yeah. That's my roommate. She's leaving to go to work."

"Uh huh?"

The hair atop Quint's head had been cut short in the three days since Andy and Quint last hung out.

"Nice cut."

"Thanks."

"You like it?"

"Yeah. I've wanted to cut my hair short for a while. Takes less care."

"I'm starting to grow mine out. Save money on getting haircuts."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I head about Bob Ross doing that before he got a show."

"Is that why he had the afro?"

"Yeah. Although I did read something about how he ended up hating his hair."

"You ready?"

"Yep.

It took a minute, but Quint retrieved thirteen different shades of nail polish and brought them to the table in front of Andy.

"Pick one."

"Black is fine."

"Pick another."

"Dark blue?"

"And another."

"I don't know. Purple?"

"And another-"

"Ain't we just painting my nails a single color?"

"Yeah. They're for you."

…

"What?"

"I have more than enough already."

"I'll just take those three, I guess."

"You sure."

"Yes I'm sure."

"Okay, then."

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

"Okay. You're going to want to start with the nail base-"

…

Late at night, Andy laid in bed and watched videos on their phone. Video after video on Youtube of short, two-to-five-minute-long nail polish tutorials.

A method they had been taught by their scrolling was finally fully functionally devised.

Before Andy could enact it, they moved to their bathroom with nail polish. They tried as hard as they could to be quiet as they knew their roommate was asleep.

A bottle of nail polish remover was opened, soon placed on Andy's nails in an effort to wear out the paint.

One minute passed. Then two minutes. Then three minutes.

Then five minutes.

After exactly seven minutes a nozzle is turned and hot water begins to pour out of the faucet. Nail polish which touched Andy's skin had already began to peel and curl up. Andy grabbed the nail polish and meticulously peeled off as much as they could.

Streaks and dots of nail polish once again littered their nails. Running their nails under the hot water did help, although specks of nail polish remained never-the-less.

A short trip to the kitchen saw Andy grab a few sheets of paper towels before they retreated to their room.

The paper towels were strewn on the table. Andy grabbed the dark purple nail polish, nail base, and coat.

Nail base came first. It flowed along his nails, although admittedly a bit too much was applied.

Then came the first layer of nail polish. Although inconsistent in its application, it generally avoided overlap onto their skin.

Five minutes passed.

Then came the second layer of nail polish. Now, it coated every atom of their nails and more. In several cases it fell onto their skin.

Andy picked away at the excess nail polish with a nail file attached to their nail clipper to scrape off as much as they could. But still a thin layer solidified within seconds of it being applied, fusing to their skin.

Five minutes passed.

And the coat was applied over all of the polish.

What Andy was left with was obvious. A disaster. Their nails were bumpy, the nail polish looked ugly, nail polish had gotten stuck under their nails. It was a fiasco.

And yet, it hardly mattered. It was theirs. They had applied the nail polish on their own. Never mind the imperfections, Andy was left in admiration of their work.

…

In the parking lot, Andy was left in panic. It was a quick trip, with them only needing to grab one item.

But, their nails remained. Near-pristine. As pristine as shoddily-applied nail polish could be.

When they left their car their fingers were curled into a fist. It was enough for Andy to feel comfortable walking in public with markings on their nails.

Twenty-seven seconds passed after Andy entered the store. They passed a clothing aisle. A previously fast pace slowed down as an outfit got caught in the corner of their eye.

A mannequin adorning a long, brown pocketed skirt, a mini-belt, and a long-sleeved brown shirt.

Their phone rang.

Mom

Phone Call Record

Susan: Andy!

Andy: Hey.

Susan: Is now a good time to talk for a bit?

Andy: Not really.

Susan: Aww. Well I'll keep it brief.

Andy: Mom-

Susan: So how's school going so far this year? Good, I hope.

Andy: Yep.

Susan: Uh huh? You liking your new classes?

Andy: So far…

Susan: How about, um… That apartment of yours! Is it doing you well?

Andy: Yeah. I like it. It's been a lot less stressful than the dorms.

Susan: I still think you're overplaying it a bit.

Andy: Come on.

Susan: I mean - no use arguing it now. It's over with. But still.

Andy: So, yeah… To be frank, I'm not sure that I like my roommate too much.

Susan: Really?

Andy: Yeah. He's been eating all my food, not doing dishes. All that stuff.

Susan: Well that's just what happens when you rent your own place. Stuff isn't so easy.

Andy: And that wouldn't have happened in dorms?

Susan: Really?

Andy: What?

Susan: People had a lot more manners back when I was in the dorms. When I moved out-

Andy: Hang on- I need to grab something real quick. I'll have to call you back later.

Susan: Well, hang on. Just another minute or two?

Andy: Yeah… Sure.

Susan: How's that soup coming along for ya? Did you have the right recipe?

Andy: Yeah, I did.

Susan: Did it work out better the second time around?

Andy: Yeah. Did end up tweaking the recipe around a bit.

Susan: What?

Andy: Yeah. I think my stovetop is wonky. Had to adjust the heat, add in a bit of olive oil.

Susan: Andy! You should have called me first.

Andy: I mean - I did. Just, right before I started cooking.

Susan: You- … Andy, you know what I meant.

Andy: Oh? Sorry, then. Don't see how it was that big of a deal.

Susan: What did you change with it? What was the whole recipe you used?

Andy: Um. Pretty much the same recipe? I just changed around the cooking time a little bit.

Susan: Okay. What was the whole recipe.

Andy: I don't remember-

Susan: Well, there you go! That's cause you didn't follow a recipe. And now you're complaining about how it turned out bad.

Andy: Mom-

Susan: What?!

Andy: I don't remember it off the top of my head!

Susan: Do you have a copy of it?

Andy: Not right now.

Susan: Uh huh?

Andy: All that I changed was the cooking time because I burned the garlic the first time.

Susan: Why?

Andy: One of my friends suggested it.

Susan: Who?

Andy: His name is Quint. They-

Susan: What was the greater context surrounding that?

Andy: I just brought it up.

Susan: All do respect to Quint, whoever he is-

Andy: Quint doesn't go-

Susan: -but this recipe has been in our family for generations and generations. All due respect to him, but I trust the family recipe more than him. You know?

Andy: Yup…

Susan: Andy, here's my idea. I think you should try the recipe a few more times before you alter it to your own taste. That sound good?

Andy: Yeah. I mean, I was kinda planning on that. Changing it around until I know exactly how to avoid mistakes and all.

Susan: But, I want you to call me whenever you make it. No listening to friends or making up how to cook it on the fly. Instead I need you to let me in on everything you do. Okay?

Andy: Okay…

Deep breaths. Deep, deep breaths.

Breathing did not help.

Andy tried to continue their search toward the store. They just needed an immersion blender for the soup. Nothing else.

They found their legs becoming stiff, which did not help Andy as their pace nearly tripled. Sweat formed on their brow. It dripped down their forehead into their eye. Whatever control Andy had of their breathing vanished as Andy found themself unable to breath.

Then Andy saw a unisex bathroom. Without a second thought, the door was opened then slammed behind them with nearly full force. The door was locked behind them.

It took nineteen paces around the small, cramped room for Andy to finally breathe again.

Now able to breathe, they sat on the toilet for five minutes. With a jolt, they rose to the mirror. Their eyes had gotten beet red, although no tears had formed.

Their thumb and index finger moved to their sinus and pinched hard. A minute passed and Andy swallowed.

Mom

Phone Call Record

Susan: Yes?

Andy: I just wanted to say something else-

Susan: What is it?

Andy: I just wanted to talk a bit about the recipe - what I am thinking about it and whatnot.

Susan: Okay. What about it?

Andy: It was just… being put on the spot like that. Randomly called. I wasn't really able to think what I wanted to say, you know?

Susan: Uh huh?

Andy: But, yeah…

Susan: What is that echo, by the way?

Andy: Nothing.

Susan: Nothing?

Andy: It's just a bathroom. I wanted some privacy.

Susan: You wanted some- Jesus Christ, this is to yell at me, isn't it?

Andy: No-

Susan: Andy, just say what you want to say. I can't do this.

Andy: I'm not going to yell at you.

Susan: So what is it?

Andy: It's just more- what I'm thinking is that I change the recipe a bit while I learn how to cook. Avoid burning things and everything like that.

Susan: And that just applies to cooking temp?

Andy: Mostly. I'm also getting an immersion blender-

Susan: Andy…

Andy: Because I don't like how chunky I cut the potatoes.

Susan: Andy! That's one of the biggest parts of the recipe! It's supposed to have chunks in it.

Andy: I don't… really agree with that. I just think-

Susan: Sorry, but I don't think you're making the same soup anymore.

Andy: It's just one thing-

Susan: It's two. The temp, now this. Next you're going to tell me something else, and then something else. It's not the same soup anymore, just admit that.

Andy: Mom! I-

Susan: Stop. I told you that I can't argue right now.

Andy: Okay then! Sorry.

Susan: So stop yelling at me, stop arguing with me, and be honest with me that it isn't just that.

Andy: It was just the temp thing. The blending thing's only something that I might do.

Susan: Might?

Andy: I don't know. Just see if I like it more.

Susan: I think you're changing your answers now; which I don't really like.

Andy: That was always what I was going to do.

Susan: I don't like it when you lie to me, sweetie.

Andy: I just-

Susan: You know what, Andy? I'm not doing this, today. I've barely had any energy today and I just can't argue with you right now. You can't admit when you're wrong and just keep lying and I… I just can't.

Andy: Sorry…

Susan: Look- Andy, I love you. But that's not the same soup and it won't ever be. Unless you change it back, it's fundamentally different. And lets just leave it at that. Agreed?

Andy: Yep.

Susan: I'm going to go. I have to take a shower. Love you.

Andy: Love you…

The call ends.

They let out a scream.

A scream they hoped wasn't heard by anyone. Really, really hoped.

It took another twenty-three paces to calm down. When they stopped, they looked in the mirror. The sight of their reflection overcame them with a need to cry.

Their best effort to suppress their tears were in vain. It couldn't be held in forever. As he realized that truth, Andy let themself cry for only one minute.

A paper towel was produced by the dispenser and used to soak up any water around Andy's eyes. Still, they were bloodshot. At best, Andy hoped that the cashier would think they were high.

It took them a lot, but they managed to convince themself to leave the bathroom.

There was no point in getting the immersion blender anymore. So they went to leave the store. Two employees looked at them, an act that confirmed they had heard Andy's scream.

Right before they left, Andy's eye was caught once more. The outfit. On a discount, no less.

$45.99

And it was silly. They didn't have that much to spare - couldn't afford any split-second purchases.

…

Except they could. It was priced the same as an immersion blender.

Andy looked around for a price tag. Eventually, Andy found that it was priced at $45.99. Andy didn't know if they had that much to spare. Nor why they were even considering it.

But, they had decided not to buy the immersion blender. They would, in all likelihood, be a similar price. Andy toiled and considered.

…

"Will that be all for the day?"

"Yep."

"Total should be around $45.99."

The cashier was handed a credit card.

"It's for my sister."

"Uh huh?"

"Yeah. Her birthday is coming up. Wanted to get her something nice."

"Well, she must be pretty lucky. It's a pretty nice dress."

"It really is."

"Would you like a receipt?"

"No thank you."

"Have a great day."

They knew.

The cashier knew.

Andy could see it in their eyes.

Outfit in hands, they left the store as fast as they could, getting in their car and screaming.

Roommate

You going to be here tonight?

No.

Where are you going to be at?

A party.

Okay.

Why?

Just curious.

Even though their roommate would be gone, Andy instinctively locked themself in their bathroom.

They took off their jacket, then their belt, then their jeans, then their shirt, then their socks, and finally their boxers.

And then they were nude. Completely.

Immediately followed was a feeling of relief. Their clothes had been a bit tight on them.

Andy glanced over at the door to confirm it was locked. With the final confirmation, Andy opened the bag.

Three components.

A skirt. A shirt. And a belt.

It quickly dawned on them that they would need a bra and panties to comfortably complete the set.

Complete the set?!

They hardly knew why they bought the outfit in the first place. Yet, they put it on piece-by-piece-by-piece, followed by a glance in the mirror.

And they were beautiful.

Although not the perfect fit, the clothes were the most comfortable thing Andy had ever worn. It fit their shape well, the fabric was soft. Oh, it was soft.

Andy began to cry. Not tears of stress, exhaustion. Rather tears of emotion, elation.

Andy turns, and turns, and turns, and turns, and turns. They adore every angle, every aspect of their outfit.

It takes five minutes before Andy seems to snap out of adoration. They mechanically exit the bathroom and retreat to their bedroom, electing to lock the door before they passed out on their bed.

Missed Call: Quint 8:42 P.M.

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Missed Call: Quint 8:44 P.M.

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Missed Call: Quint 8:47 P.M.

Quint

heyyyy

r u okay?

anyways, was wondering if u wanted to head to my place later.

just to watch a movie

let me know when u get this.

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Sorry. I was sleeping.

all good. u down to call rn?

Quint

Phone Call Record

Quint: Andy?

Andy: Yeah?

Quint: You good?

Andy: Huh? Yeah.

Quint: Yeah, just… Don't think I've ever known about you sleeping earlier than midnight.

Andy: I was just tired last night. Sorry about not getting your texts.

Quint: All good. Were you doing anything last night?

Andy: No, just tired. Y'know. School and whatnot.

Quint: Uh huh?

Andy: It's just… You know. An energy thing.

Quint: Guess you and me both gotta start getting used to it, huh?

Andy: Unfortunately.

Quint: Do you want to eat out later?

Andy: Where?

Quint: Chinese food?

Andy: Actually, maybe not today. Had some plans.

Quint: All good.

Andy: Yeah… I should- probably start getting my morning going.

Quint: Yeah, you probably should.

Andy: Talk later.

Quint: Stay safe.

Andy hung up the phone and rolled out of bed. After a stretch, they look down and realize they still adorn the same clothes as the night prior.

Panic ensued. They tore off the outfit, nearly ripping it while they undresssed. Now naked, Andy rushed to put on a t-shirt, boxers, pajama pants, and a matching flannel before they were ready.

The removed clothing was crammed into a ball and thrown on their bed.

They sighed, then remembered that the previous night they had planned to make potato leek soup, but never did. With a free morning, they entered the kitchen.

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Andy remembered the first time they ever tried to make potato leek soup.

The first time they followed the family recipe.

The first time they ever cooked.

This was worse.

A lot worse.

In truth, it was awful.

It wasn't a familiar type of awfulness, either.

It was, somehow, new.

It didn't make sense. Andy had very, very closely followed the original recipe. Even with a call to their mother, it didn't work.

Same temp, same cooking time, same ratios, same ingredients, and a same everything as the recipe had called for.

Andy tried their best to eat the soup. They had eaten every other soup before. Every other, awful soup. They only managed to get a few bites in.

Mom

Phone Call Record

Andy: Yeah, Mom?

Susan: Just checking in to see how the soup's doing.

Andy: Yeah. It turned out pretty good.

Susan: See? I told you that just following the recipe was all that you needed.

Andy: Yep.

Susan: Have anything to say?

Andy: Thanks…

Susan: Also - have you ever thought about when you might come over to visit.

Andy: Um. Probably not until Christmas?

Susan: But that's so long away-

Andy: The distance from Colorado to Pennsylvania is also pretty far.

Susan: Yeah…

Andy: Although, to be honest, I might not be able to afford the plane ticket.

Susan: Honey…

Andy: I've been looking at them, and they're getting pretty expensive.

Susan: I can help you pay for the ticket.

Andy: And then it's also the jet lag - that's playing into it.

Susan: Andy. You're visiting me for Christmas.

Andy: I want to! It's just I don't know if I can.

Susan: I know- that you're a bit mad about the soup. But I don't think that really affects why you should or shouldn't come over.

Andy: It isn't!

Susan: Then why don't you want to?

Andy: I do! I do. I just… I probably will. But I don't know for certain.

Susan: We can visit your grandmother's grave.

Andy: Yeah, we can.

Susan: It's been a while since we've done that, huh?

Andy: It has…

Susan: But I- just want to see you Andy. Get together for the holidays.

Andy: Yeah. Well, I still need to sort out the flight. But I promise that I will come.

Susan: You don't have to. I don't want to force you.

Andy: It's alright.

Susan: So you'll come over?

Andy: Yep.

It had to be thrown away. It just had to.

All of the soup they had made was inedible. It was disgusting, repulsing to eat.

So much food went to waste all in a single moment. They went to their fridge to find some food, any food.

Before they could choose, they ran to the bathroom and vomitted.

When they finished, they wiped the vomit off of their lip and went to their bedroom. Seeing a glass of water, they emptied it.

And collapsed on their bed.

…

Tossed and turned, turned and tossed. They tossed around for twenty-seven minutes.

All they wanted was to be able to close their eyes and rest. But, they couldn't.

Andy shot up, sitting in their bed. They turned, their eyes locking almost like a magnet to the dress that laid on their bed.

With a single motion, they grabbed the dress. Their nausea seemingly having faded away.

The soft fabrics melted in their hands, each silky fiber feeling soft and beautiful as ever.

Then,

without a single reason,

they tore the dress.

First in half, then in fourths, then in eigths, then in sixteenth…

Within moments, it was reduced to scraps and shreds. Andy made very well sure to give the other parts of the outfit attention. The belt was snapped, the sleeves ripped off the shirt before themself being halved.

Massive holes were ripped through the shirt until it was nothing but a rag.

Five minutes passed. Shreds laid in Andy's hands and around their room.

They breathed and picked up what scraps they could to throw any away.

…

Quint

You want to eat out?

…

Quint had arrived. A text on their phone informed them so.

Andy walked outside to meet them. When they had met, the pair walked inside of the restaurant and were seated at a booth.

"You doing okay?"

"Yeah. Just… woke up rough this morning."

"I feel you."

"Good thing I've been going to sleep earlier, huh?"

"Heh. Yeah."

A server arrived and took their drink orders. Both ordered a cup of water.

"That'll be out in a second."

"Thank you."

"Thank you."

The server brought spinach artichoke dip to the table.

"Yum."

"Good call with this one, Andy. Spinach artichoke dip is my favorite."

"Uh huh?"

"Yep. Behind whatever I decide to order."

…

"So did my suggestion work out?"

"It didn't taste burnt, if that's what you're asking."

"For some reason I feel like you didn't like it."

"I think it's mostly just inexperience, not the recipe."

"Probably."

"I called my mom the other day to talk to her about it. She freaked the fuck out."

"About what?"

"I don't even know, man. The temp? I guess."

"Jesus. That's rough."

"It's just like… A really, really small part of the recipe and she was freaking out about it."

"What happened after that?"

"She called me a few more times the next time I made soup."

"Still freaking out?"

"Still freaking out. Yep."

"Yeah. That really sucks."

"Like, I don't really care about it, it's just like. You really care that much about whether I simmer garlic on medium, or low heat when I'm just fucking starting to learn how to cook enough to yell at me for it."

"But you liked it."

"The one with the changed recipe, yeah. You know - I made some earlier, followed the recipe word-for-word, and it still tasted like shit."

"It's definitely because you just haven't tried it enough."

"Yeah, yeah."

…

"When are you leaving?"

"The 21st. I get back on the 28th."

"We've got to do something before you head off. Something before you spend a week in mundane hell FarmVille."

"Yeah?"

"We just have to. Doctor's orders."

"What are you thinking of?"

"Something small. Probably having drinks at a park or something."

"That sounds fun."

"So you're down?"

"Yeah."

"Radical."

…

"Like your roommate?"

"Kinda."

"So that's not a yes?"

"I didn't say I don't."

"Because, my roommate is dropping out of college."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. She found a high-paying job and didn't need her diploma."

"Good for her."

"So that means that I have an open room."

"Uh huh?"

"And I don't want to pay two people's rent by myself. Don't really want to move, either."

…

"You get what I'm saying?"

"I'll have to think about it."

"Just let me know soon."

"Of course."

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It was dark when Andy's door opened. Despite just eating, they were hungry.

The fridge door opened and the note they had left was gone. As well as one of their energy drinks…

It was at that moment Andy decided to move out.

They grabbed pre-cooked, cold spaghetti noodles out of the fridge. Rather than microwave them, Andy put grated parmesan on them and moved to their room with a fork to eat them cold.

Not bothering to turn on a light, they sat in front of their laptop and quickly finished the pasta. A sigh left Andy's mouth as they looked at an essay they had to write.

400 words done.

3,000 words needed.

A clock read 10:52 P.M.

They had time, plenty of time. They just needed to write.

11:55 P.M.

500 words done.

3,000 words needed.

The laptop screen was left open as they moved to their bed. Curled up in a ball, facing away from the light, and they eventually saw a scrap.

Despite being only a thousandth of the original's glory, it had all the pull. Both eyes locked on the shred as their hand outstretched to grab it.

Andy let out a gentle laugh.

"Must've been poor quality- with how easy it was to tear…"

They wrapped their body around a pillow, cooling off with shred still in hand.

"Wouldn't have lasted if I wore it more than once…"

Wore it where?

In their room?

In public?!

No no, they wouldn't have. It made sense for them to rip it; they didn't need it. They simply didn't.

Yet Andy did not know why they were holding on to the last scrap of fabric so tightly.

12:21 A.M.

They went to their desk and shook their cursor around to turn on the screen. Fingers on the keys, they prepared to keep writing.

Until they brought out a pen and paper.

Mystique — Lash False Lash Effect Mascara — Adds Volume & Lengthening — Cruelty & Paraben-Free

$3.49

Ellanie's Prime Remain All Day Red Lipstick, Matte — Long-Lasting Color Wear — No Transfer or Bleed — Hydrating & Non-Irritating for Soft Lips

$5.97

Black Tone Lip Stick for Soft Lips — Hydrating & Non-Irritating — Perfect Gift For Your Girlfriend

$6.49

PROFFESSIONAL MAKEUP EYELINER Used By Celebrities — Waterproof Pattented Formula — Black Tone

$18.57

INSTANT Cheekbone Contour Peach Perfection, .33 Oz, Non-Irritating Materials to Enhance Natural Radiance

$5.97

Subtotal (5 item):

$40.51

Three hours were needed to watch makeup tutorials on Youtube, or trying to figure out how to grow a wolfcut.

Andy checked their bank account.

$205.60

Andy sighed what they thought was a sigh of a relief. An excuse why they didn't buy it. They couldn't drop 1/5th of their money on makeup! Not at the moment.

And then Andy remembered how much cheaper it was to buy things in person vs online…

…

The cashier didn't believe them. There was no way. Literally no way. It was like when Andy bought the dress.

They claimed it to be for Christmas shopping, a gift for their mother. The cashier didn't buy it for a second. At the very least, they suspected it. Buying all of that makeup for one person who'd likely already have it?!

Andy only hoped.

They locked the bathroom door behind them and dropped the bag on the counter. Their roommate was there, so they had to be careful.

Andy started with the eyeliner - which was shakily applied. It curved and swayed as dots of skin peeked out throughout both of their upper eyelids.

Next up - the blush. The kit came with four different colors. The initial blush that Andy applied hardly matched their skin tone. Andy grabbed a wet towel and tried to wipe off the blush. Yet, it persisted. After Andy's face was dried off, Andy tried to apply a different kind of blush. All that Andy was left with were patches of dust that clinged to their face that were either too red or too pale for their skin tone.

Then; the lipstick. They went with the red lipstick. The lipstick overlapped from their lips to their skin until they were left with a bumpy, shoddily applied red coating their lips.

The only thing that could save the day was the mascara. Their eyelashes were coated, and came off being longer. Much to Andy's shagrin, the mascara was hardly noticeable.

Even with it being the best application, tiny dots of black which stemmed from the mascara hit their upper eyes.

Andy looked into the mirror to see an object of horror. Although recognizable who was behind the mask, it was a hard sight.

Yet, the tiniest twinge of pride overcame them. It was their first time trying and not all that bad. But they simply couldn't avoid how bad it looked at first.

Andy heard their roommate walking throughout the house and sighed. They grabbed the towel and cleaned their face.

Then nothing came off.

The towel was soaked in water before being applied directly on their face. They panicked, scrubbing as hard as they could to get it off.

It was water resistant. All of it was!

They glanced into the mirror, seeing the makeup merely smudge on their face without coming off.

Their roommate would certainly notice if they saw. They would notice, and they would judge. Especially for how bad the makeup was.

Andy jumped into the shower and turned on the water. It was still freezing cold, and it remained freezing for the rest of the shower.

When they finished, they dried off their face and looked into the mirror.

Remnants of the makeup stayed, but they were more discrete. Much of their eyeliner and lipstick had washed off. All that remained was a hardly-noticeable shadow of the makeup they had just tried to apply.

As the bathroom door unlocked, they saw their roommate.

They were concise and told the roommate that they planned to move out soon.

The roommate asked why.

Andy told them why.

The roommate asked what day.

Andy said that they did not know.

The roommate confirmed that Andy was leaving the house.

And Andy affirmed them.

Then the roommate wished them well, and thanked them for letting them know.

And that was it. Andy walked into their room and picked up their phone.

Quint

I can move in with you if you're still looking for someone.

cool

Andy set down their phone. After around eleven minutes, they stood up to turn off the light before they headed back to bed.

They sighed.

🔍︎ Search the web

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

🔍︎ Common signs of gender dysphoria?

The car trunk opened and a six-pack of beer was taken from it. The beer is handed to Quint, who shoves the six-pack into their backpack.

The pair follow a trail into the woods just into the Rockies.

After roughly seventeen minutes, the pair arrived at a clearing slightly off-trail. Quint took out a blanket to place on the grass while Andy kicked off their shoes and felt the blades of grass beneath their toes.

Two bottles of beer were popped.

"Feels like forever since we've hung out, huh?"

"It's been a while."

"Especially since we've gone out here."

"We should come out here more. It's really pretty."

"In a few weeks?"

"Sure."

"Alright."

…

"Thank you for offering me the apartment."

"You're good."

"I did not vibe well with my roommate, to be honest."

"I'll miss mine. But, we didn't really talk."

"My roommate stole an energy drink after I specifically confronted them to not."

"Geez."

"I know, right?"

Andy grabbed a second bottle of beer.

"Have you told your mom yet?"

"Hell no?"

"Fair enough."

The duo leaned back in near-unison to see the stars. While Andy had moved to lay on the blanket, Quint decided to lay on the grass, at least briefly.

The pair stared into the stars for thirty-one minutes all while sipping their beers.

At a point during the night, Andy had grabbed a third beer. By the time they were back in the car, the bottle was empty. The bottle Quint had nursed was thrown away in a trash can they found, still half-full.

As the pair entered the car, Quint turned on a light to search it.

"What are you looking for?"

"My keys."

"You know- you… you probably shouldn't just leave those in the car…"

"Heh. Probably."

The search effort is joined by Andy. After a minute, the pair briefly lock eyes.

"Andy."

"Yeah?"

"Are you wearing mascara?"

…

"No, no."

"Okay."

Quint discovered the key, put it in the ignition, then drove away.

A chuckle left Andy's lips and they closed their eyes, leaning against their seat and nearly falling asleep.

…

A key slid into the door, and it was opened.

"Let's get you into bed."

They practically had to drag Andy to their room where they opened a door, turned on a light, and eased Andy into bed. They helped Andy remove their shoes and tuck themselves under the sheets.

"I'm going to hang out here a minute- while I wait for a cab."

"No, no- no… Don't. You can just- just take my car and give it to me tomorrow."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, yeah. Yeah… Just have a good night."

"Sleep tight."

The keys to Andy's car slides into Quint's pocket.

Right as they reached the door, they turned to shut off the light.

Then something caught their eye.

Blush,

Eyeliner,

Red Lipstick,

Black Lipstick,

Mascara,

and Nail Polish.

All neatly packed into the corner.

They picked up one of the nail polish bottles, at which point they confirmed that it was the exact same as they had given to Andy.

The cap of the lipstick popped off, and it was clearly used. Smeared in only a way that application, rough application, could do.

They approached Andy to look at their eyes and confirm that they were wearing mascara. With the confirmation, Quint left the room while they shut off the light behind them.

"Best of dreams."

…

Two potatoes. Both were washed as they had decided to make a scaled-down version of the recipe for lunch, and likely dinner/breakfast.

Quint

Phone Call Record

Andy: Yeah?

Quint: Hey. You feeling good?

Andy: Yeah. Why?

Quint: Just wondering. You passed out pretty quickly last night. Wanted to make sure you weren't hungover or anything.

Andy: Thanks. But, I'm okay.

Quint: Good, good. What are you doing right now?

Andy: Cooking.

Quint: Ah.

Andy: What are you up to?

Quint: Just kinda bored.

Andy: Mhm?

Quint: Have you thought about what you're going to give your mom for Christmas?

Andy: Yeah. I'm getting her a camera so that she can see some of the wildlife. She's been asking for that for a while.

Quint: Anything else?

Andy: A few stocking stuffers.

Quint: Like?

Andy: Socks. And maybe a candle or two, although I'd probably buy those in Pennsylvania.

Quint: And that's it?

Andy: Yep.

Quint: What about other friends? What other gifts have you gotten them?

Andy: Why are you asking about that?

Quint: Still have a few friends I need to get stuff for, but I'm out of ideas.

Andy: Ah.

Quint: Well?

Andy: Mostly just alcohol or clothes. I got my sister a stereo. And I bought a necklace I think my Aunt will like.

Quint: I guess I can't ask what you're getting me.

Andy: Who says I'm getting you anything?

Quint: You're right! I didn't think of that.

Andy: But - your thing still hasn't arrived yet. It probably won't until after I'm gone.

Quint: Ah.

Andy: But yeah. Hope that helps.

Quint: By the way - I'm driving over to your house to give back your car.

Andy: Shit, yeah. Thanks. Forgot about that.

Quint: Really?

Andy: No.

Quint: Hah.

Andy: Thanks.

Quint: I'll be there in about five.

First chopped, then diced,then sliced. All of the ingredients were prepared.

Then came a force which knocked at their door.

"Hey.."

"Hey. Want to come in and get a drink?"

"I'll pass."

"All cool."

"Just need you to drive me back."

"Of course."

…

"Your car was low on gas so I filled it on the way over."

"…"

"I filled it with regular."

"Don't do that. I mean- fill my tank. I can do it myself."

"I couldn't have gotten there regardless. Might as well of filled it."

"I'll repay you for it when I get back."

"Don't worry about it."

They park in front of Quint's apartment.

"Last night - when I was helping you get into your room, I remember how organized some of it was."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Pretty tidy."

"I don't… Really think so, but okay."

"Then I saw something; in the corner on your desk. I looked at it. It was makeup. Lipstick, mascara, eyeliner. All of that."

…

"And the lipstick was used."

…

"Andy?"

…

"Are you trans-"

"Why the fuck were you looking through my shit?"

"I was-"

"No, no. Why the fuck did you think it was okay to look through my stuff?"

"I assumed that they were Christmas presents and looked at them."

"By opening them?!"

"Andy-"

"Get the fuck out of my car."

"Were those for you?"

"No, matter of fact. Those were for my Aunt. Thanks for opening them, by the way!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just saw you wearing mascara last night and I thought-"

"Jesus fucking Christ. I was not fucking wearing mascara."

"Yes you were! I saw you wearing it."

"I told you to get out of my car."

In a rush, Quint unbuckled their seatbelt and left the car.

"Andy-"

"Close the door."

"You can tell me-"

"I am not telling you shit that isn't true about me."

"I won't judge you for it."

"Really? Really?! Great! That's great. Close the fucking door.

The door is shut and Andy sped away.

…

They let out a scream, a pained scream. Their roommate didn't bother to check in on them.

In the kitchen, Andy tried to continue.

They heated up their Dutch oven and threw in the butter, which quickly turned to a brownish-black. The leeks varied, but all smoked and charred by the end. In exactly four minutes under heat.

Then they thought.

What did Quint know? Really.

Was Quint in the wrong? Hell, of course they were.

Breaking into Andy's room like that… And then looking through their stuff?

At least the potatoes did not burn. Although Andy couldn't claim them to be cooked.

When the stock was added, it boiled over.

When Andy tried to check the potatoes with a fork, the tongs snapped off.

Andy turned off the burner and ran to the restroom. They pulled on the nozzle and waited for it to heat. After six minutes, they stepped in.

And the water was freezing cold.

Boarding Pass

Flight
Date
Origin
Destination
Seat

211
21/DEC/2023
Denver, CO
Philladelphia, PA
30C

Departure: 07:30

Passenger Name: Andy Clarke

"Oh, Andy! Come on in. The door is unlocked."

They opened the door.

"Could you possibly help me up from my chair?"

"Of course."

Their mother was lifted from the chair. She gave Andy a hug.

"How have you been? How was the flight?"

"Good, good. It was all good."

"I can whip up a soup if you'd like."

"That'd be great."

"A little taste of home. Well, guess you are at home. Hah!"

Potato Leek Soup

Ingredients:

2 Large Leeks

2 Cloves of Garlic

6 Large Potatos

2 Tbsp Salted Butter

2 Teaspoons of Salt

1 Teaspoon of Black Pepper

1 Cup of Cream

6 Cups of Chicken Broth/Stock

1 Sprig of Thyme

2 Bay Leaves

1 Teaspoon of Garlic Powder

Preparation:

Cut your leeks at the root end and halfway up the greens and chop each leek in half. Thoroughly wash between each and every layer of the leeks, as they will have plenty of dirt trapped within. Chop your leeks. Peel both cloves of garlic and crush.

Peel, then dice your potatos and let them sit in a bowl of water for at least 15 minutes.

Cooking

In a Dutch oven, throw in your butter and let melt at high heat. Then, add crushed cloves of garlic and your chopped leeks and let simmer for approximately 3 minutes at medium heat. Add in your potatos and let simmer for a further minute. Then add in your salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Add in all of your chicken broth/stock. Increase the temp to bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to a simmer and add your thyme and bay leaves. Let simmer for 15 minutes.

After 15 minutes, try to pierce the potatoes with a fork. If you can pierce them with no resistance, turn off the heat. Fish out the bay leaves, and mash the soup. After fully mashed, add the whole cup of cream to the soup and mix.

Enjoy!

- Clarke Family Recipe

All the same…

The potato leek soup tasted the same. It didn't taste like how Andy remembered it. They at the very least felt a twinge of validation, but still were dismayed.

Dismayed at how they could hate their favorite dish.

They tried to finish the soup. They tried very, very hard. But they couldn't finish it. Despite all of their efforts, it was too much.

Andy tried to drink water to cleanse their stomach, which only caused it to ache further.

"Do you like it?"

"Yep. Same as ever."

"We've got to teach you how to make it - while you're here."

"Sure. Sometime."

Their mother stands and leaves the room.

"Mom?"

She returns with a wrapped, rectangular box.

"Remember when I used to let you open one present early every Christmas? Well, I picked out this one for you!"

"Heh. Thanks."

They unwrapped the present. Inside sat a framed photograph of Andy.

Their hair was shorter.

They were still trying to grow some sort of goatee.

They had very visible muscles, remembering how much they used to work out.

"It was taken a few weeks before graduation."

They nodded.

"Do you like it?"

"Yeah. Of course. Thank you."

Aunt Shelley

Phone Call Record

Shelley: Merry Christmas!

Andy: Merry Christmas.

Shelley: Sorry for how late it is. Was celebrating with the wife and kids and everything.

Andy: How are they all hanging up?

Shelley: She's doing great. Cole was talking the other day about how they hate their birthday being so close to Christmas.

Andy: Hah.

Shelley: You have a good day?

Andy: Yeah. Mostly just spend it with Mom.

Shelley: Ah. You're in Dallaston right now?

Andy: Yep.

Shelley: Nice. You get anything you wanted?

Andy: Didn't really ask for much.

Shelley: What did you get?

Andy: A book and a picture of me when I just about graduated high school.

Shelley: Neat.

Andy: Yeah…

Shelley: Is it just you and your mom there?

Andy: Yep. I can go downstairs to put her on if you-

Shelley: That's okay.

…

Shelley: What about college? How's this year gone so far.

Andy: It's been going good. I only got a 92.4% on one of my tests the other day.

Shelley: Slacking behind, I see.

Andy: Yeah. I'll have to drop out at that rate.

Shelley: What about your apartment? How's that working out?

Andy: Eh.

Shelley: Do you like it?

Andy: I mean - I like it. Just I don't really like my roommate.

Shelley: Ah.

Andy: But I did start talking with another one of my friends about moving in with them.

Shelley: Who are they?

Andy: A person named Quint. You wouldn't know them.

Shelley: And you think you two'd be good roommates.

Andy: Yeah.

…

Andy: To be completely honest, I don't know if it's still going to happen.

Shelley: Oh? Why?

Andy: Me and Quint- we got in a bit of an argument before. A bad argument, actually.

Shelley: What happened.

Andy: They- One night, I was drunk. Then they drove me home and helped me get in bed while I was passing out. When I did pass out, they looked through some of my stuff. When I found out about it, I got pissed off and yelled at them.

Shelley: Oh.

Andy: And now they've been trying to call me and text me, but I honestly have no idea how I'll respond to it.

Shelley: What were they looking through?

Andy: Just stuff on my desk. I guess they thought it might be a gift? Or something?

Shelley: I mean, it doesn't even matter. They shouldn't have been looking through your stuff without your approval.

Andy: Yeah, I'm just- kinda regretting how I lashed out at them. You know?

Shelley: In all honesty, I don't see why you wouldn't have any right to.

Andy: Uh huh?

Shelley: I mean- I don't know the specifics. But, if I may, I just want to say that you shouldn't beat yourself up over it.

Andy: Yeah. I just don't feel good about ghosting them.

Shelley: Fair enough.

Andy: I don't know if I'm going to do anything until I head back.

Shelley: Yeah.

Andy: Thanks for the call, though.

Shelley: Merry Christmas!

Andy: Happy holidays.

Tuesday.

December 26th, 2023.

10:53 P.M.

They stared at the alarm and watched as the seconds, then minutes passed. It had been thirty minutes since Andy had tried to start falling asleep. Their plane was set to leave next morning and they wanted any small amount of sleep.

But their curtain was broken, as it had always been. Light shone directly on their face.

Andy wondered what awaited them when they returned. After all, Quint was convinced of something that flat out wasn't true. Something that Andy was not.

…

Although the makeup was suspicious. Obviously Quint shouldn't of looked, but Andy…

…stood up and tried to yank the curtain close. Doing so saw barely anything change as moonlight still flooded the room.

They crawled back into bed then covered themself in sheets.

What about their mother? She had been in bad health for such a long time, Andy considered. They knew she wouldn't be around forever. If Andy ever wanted to tell her something that they'd regret not letting her know, they'd have to say it soon.

Fortunately, there was absolutely nothing that Andy needed to say.

Aside from them starting to wear nail polish. Although they wouldn't really feel bad over not telling them that.

But what about the mascara? They'd been wearing that almost every day before they left.

And the lipstick.

And the blush.

And the eyeliner.

But they reasoned that they had only tried those things once and immediately washed them off.

Only because their roommate was there. What if they were alone? Would they still have washed it off so quickly?

Even then, they were all just minor things to Andy. Stylistic things that weren't exactly major secrets…

But-

What if Quint was right?

…

They stormed out of their bed to the curtain and grabbed both sides of it. Andy slammed together both curtains with such forced that the curtain rod was knocked off of the wall. It fell to the ground.

They sighed and leaned to pick up the curtain. Before they put it back, Andy stared out the window.

And then they opened it.

They inhaled the cool, crisp air as it rushed past them. It wasn't too cold for a winter's night. They looked down at a field just a bit below them.

With a second thought, Andy adorned a jacket and moved downstairs.

…

They walked through the field. Snow crunched under each footstep. It took effort to avoid the tangled amalgamation of roots and dead plants while making their way through the field.

But, they made it. A small clearing where they begun to breathe what felt like the freshest air they had in years. Only two sounds were heard, Andy's breaths and the gentle breeze of the wind.

They looked up into the sky. Fifty-seven stars littered it. A burning fire that shone all the way across the universe just so Andy could glimpse it.

They sat on the ground. Their coat was waterproof, allowing them to have some protection.

Then they zoned out and enjoyed the cosmos. When they returned, they had no idea how much time they had lost.

…

They were terrified. Terrified of the repercussions of it, of what it would mean if it were true.

Their whole life - everything they have had up until a few months prior, wasn't what they were.

And what if they did tell their mother? What if they were disowned? What if their mother spent the last few months of her life hating her-

-hating them.

They shiverred. It was cold. They knew it was time for them to go back.

They stood, feeling that snow had gotten through their coat. Somehow.

At the icy porch, Andy took careful steps to avoid slipping. Then, before entering the house, they turned back to the field. All fifty-seven stairs were still beautiful in the night sky.

They sat at the porch.

Then, they thought. Thought for a long while. About Aunt Shelley and how she was cut off by her- their mother.

Well, it wasn't really being cut off. They didn't meet, didn't talk that much. But they still talked occasionally. Still were friendly. Just… strained.

And Andy didn't want that. They really, really did not want that. Despite everything, despite all of the stress, Andy did not want to lose their mother early. They really didn't.

They stood and entered the house, letting the warmth inside melt away any cool temperatures they had been in.

And the house was just as cold.

Up the stairs they went, entering their room and seeing their curtain-less window.

They stopped in front of the window, staring out of it once more.

Then they opened the window.

Andy didn't know where to start. They were afraid. If it wasn't real, it would have already fallen apart. At any point over the months where Andy tried to prevent it.

Even then, they tried to rationalize their fear. That it wouldn't be all too bad. But, they knew it would be hard going forward. They knew that there was a good chance they'd be beaten down at any turn. They knew that throughout the rest of their life, they'd fight an uphill battle that they could likely never win.

And Andy accepted that. They would have to be ready to face it one day. Mayble not day one, but they had to get ready to face what would happen if such a truth were ever revealed.

She closed the window, left the curtain open, and walked to bed.

Tucked into the sheets, she let her eyes close, and drifted off to sleep.

Flight
Date
Origin
Destination
Seat

202
27/DEC/2023
Pittsburgh, PA
Denver, CO
3C

Departure: 06:30

Passenger Name: Andy Clarke

December 31,

2023

23:36

She stared into the mirror. She had been staring into it for a few minutes. It dawned on Andy's mind that she hadn't shaved ever since she had gotten back from Pennsylvania.

Whatever little hair she had on her head, she pulled back and tucked behind her ears. Shaving cream lathered her face and she grabbed a razor, using it with precision to cut every single strand of hair off of her face.

Yet she hated how gritty her face felt as she rubbed her hands against it.

So she shaved it again.

And a third time.

Until it felt /just a little bit// smoother.

And that was all she felt she could do. When she moved to clean up, she saw her arms.

Her hairy, horrendous arms.

The sleeves on her arms were pulled up until they resembled a tank top. She slathered her left arm with shaving cream, then pressed her razor against it.

…

She was done. Both arms. Where they were hairy and irritating, now they felt smooth. She had to put toilet paper on the spots of her arms where she nicked herself

The couch cushioned her fall as she leaned back against it. Her roommate had gone to party, as most people likely had. But she decided to stay home.

Her laptop opened, and she began to play The Thing.

December 31,

2023

23:55

Andy took out her phone. She saw 53 missed calls from Quint, and nearly 83 missed texts.

A sigh left their mouth, looking at the clock. She paused the movie, and called Quint.

Quint

Phone Call Record

Quint: Andy?

…

Quint: Andy?!

…

Quint: Andy, are you there?

Andy: Yeah.

Quint: Oh my god. Thank god. Okay. Are you okay?

Andy: Yeah.

Quint: How- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

…

Quint: I'm really sorry about looking through your- the makeup that was on your desk. I shouldn't- I should have just left after I dropped you off, you know.

…

Quint: I just, guess that I saw my nail polish and jumped to conclusions. I don't think- I didn't think. I wasn't thinking about it. You know?

Andy: Yeah.

Quint: I'm really, really sorry.

Andy: You are?

Quint: Yeah. I've been thinking about it; what I could have done. Ever since.

…

Quint: Have you been in Pennsylvania this whole time?

Andy: I got back a few days ago.

Quint: Have you seen my calls?

Andy: Yeah. I'm sorry.

Quint: No- it's okay. I get it.

Andy: Uh huh?

Quint: I've just been worried.

Andy: Where are you right now?

Quint: At my apartment. Alone. Didn't really feel like partying.

Andy: Yeah. Same here.

…

Quint: Look, what I said- What I thought… I don't know what I'm trying to say right now. I guess I put together the nail polish and the mascara; thought that it was for you. That there was some part of you that you were hiding. And I wanted to support you if you were hiding it. I just didn't think it through.

…

Quint: So I'm sorry.

…

Quint: I really am.

…

Quint: I understand if you don't forgive this - if you don't want to move in anymore.

…

Quint: I just want to apologize for it.

…

Andy: I was also thinking about it. I thought about it a lot up until I left.

…

Andy: I also called my Aunt for the first time in a while during Christmas. It was nice. I got to chat with her, catch up with her.

…

Andy: I think that was the second calmest moment of my trip. There was this night that was beautiful, and I mean really pretty. It wasn't that cold, the clouds were gone, and it was quiet. I guess the best part about Appalachia is how there aren't many lights around there.

…

Andy: I remember stargazing for a while that night. Wasn't that what we did? The night before I went? Got drunk and stared at the sky.

…

Andy: And then I just thought.

…

Andy: Nearly dozed off to sleep, too.

…

Andy: You there?

Quint: Yeah.

Andy: I don't think I'm a man. I don't think it is right for me to be a man anymore.

Quint: Do you think you're trans? Or non-binary?

Andy: I don't know. I would feel better - or at least think I would feel better - if I was a woman. But I don't think I'll ever come close to that, truly. So I don't know what I am realistically going to be, or are realistically.

…

Andy: I'm sorry for lashing out. I still- stand by what I said. Well, some of it. I'm still mad that you looked at my stuff when I was drunk. But, I think that I lashed out for the wrong reason. I was just… angry, I guess? At the idea that I was trans.

Quint: I'm sorry.

Andy: Yeah. I'm still willing to move in, if you are.

Quint: Of course I am.

Andy: Really?

Quint: Yep.

Andy: Thank you. It means the world to me.

Quint: And you moving in with me, too.

…

Andy: Fireworks are going to go off soon.

Quint: Yeah.

…

Quint: What do you want me to call you?

Andy: What?

Quint: Like, your name. Your pronouns. What do you want me to call you?

Andy: You know-

…

Andy: I don't think that I've thought about it.

Quint: I can use gender-neutral stuff, for now. If you would like.

Andy: I wouldn't mind being called she/her, at least for now.

Quint: Are you sure?

Andy: Yep.

Quint: Okay.

…

Andy: Thank you.

Quint: Of course.

Andy: I'm going to hang up.

Quint: Alright.

Andy: Talk soon. Bye.

Quint: Bye.

A minute passed.

Then, the fireworks went off. Andy stood up, looking around to make sure all of her windows were closed. She hated the smell of smoke. Andy lit a candle before returning to her couch.

Andy pressed space, and resumed her movie.

January 1,

2024

00:02 A.M.

………..

………..

………..

………..

………..

………..

………..

………..

………..

………..

………..

Febuary 25,

2024

11:42 A.M.

The car parked on the curb, only a few dozen feet away from Quint's apartment.

The weather app had told her that it would be foggy in the morning. Bright beams of sunshine shone into her car directly on her face, taunting her.

From her backpack, Andy produced a handmirror. Checking her makeup, it dawned on her that whatever little makeup she had on was rushed and shoddy.

Much like before, her lipstick veered away from the track of her lips, her eyeliner was shaky, and she could easily point out how different the blush was to her skin color. Hell, even her nails seemed off. She felt them, noticing bumps and uneven application.

Two whole hours had been spent to apply the makeup just to make it look presentable. Not good, not decent, but presentable!

All so she could make a thirty-one-second walk to Quint's house and not be noticed.

It was in vain, a stupid idea. She slammed her head back against her seat.

The longer she stayed in the car the more likely it would be for more people to notice.

She left and practically ran to Quint's door.

Her clothes didn't match, either. Black cargo pants, a white long-sleeved undershirt, and a green branded t-shirt. They didn't match with her makeup. Anybody would instantly think that she was a boy pretending to be-

She arrived at the door. Time slowed, every movement became heavy. Every breath she took was forced. A knock barely left her hand before she froze, feeling minutes pass.

Then the door opened.

Quing lunged at Andy with a hug.

"Hey Andy! How was the trip."

Through the pressure on her lungs, she spoke.

"Good."

"I like your makeup."

All of the pressure, all at once, faded.

"Thank you."

"How much do you have to unpack?"

"A bit."

"Well, let's go, then."

The duo spent three hours to empty Andy's car and make trips to Andy's old apartment.

It took two trips back to Andy's apartment to get everything.

The last item the pair got was a Dutch oven. Andy had contemplated not bringing it, to just leave it behind. But they knew they had to keep it.

She left the car and slowly carried the Dutch oven. She had to keep a slower pace to avoid dropping it. After two minutes, she arrived at her apartment door and brought the Dutch oven in with her.

…

Andy awoke. She turned over, and grabbed her phone. She checked the time.

April 7, 4:37 A.M.

She leaned back against her pillow. Her alarm wasn't supposed to go off until eight. Andy closed her eyes, trying to go back to sleep. After eleven minutes, she opened her eyes.

Andy rolled out of her bed. She stretched, letting out a yawn as she grabbed a glass on her nightstand. She drank out of it, quickly finding it empty. Andy began to hobble to the kitchen.

Andy took out her ice tray. She popped out three ice cubes, plopping them in the glass. She then went to the sink and filled her cup with tap water.

Andy took out her phone.

Mom

I got a new apartment

?

with quint

When was this?

yesterday

Why didn't you tell me about this?

it was about the same as my current rent. a bit less, actually

Okay. But why didn't you let me know?

i didnt think that it changed much

Honey… You should have let me help you…

with?

Scouting for houses?

we didnt really do that. quint's roommate already lived in the house for a while before now. their roommate just recently dropped out

Well you could have called to let me help you move in. Have you decorated yet?

No.

Aw.

And you're saying that you would have come over?

Maybe. I mean, I've wanted to visit for a while. You know?

uh huh?

Send me pictures of the house.

…

…

…

Honey…

What?

That house is not a good house. I can tell you that.

Why?

It looks plain, empty. Even dull.

Me and Quint are going to work on decorating soon.

The paint is a weird color, too. I'm also not sure that I like how the counter looks.

seriously?

You should have asked me first before moving. Honestly, I think your old place was a better apartment.

and I also hated my roommate.

Well, if you wanted to move in with Quint so much, you both should have found someplace else.

no.

What?

me and Quint both like this house. we're going to stay in it.

Honey…

literally not a cent of your money is going toward paying my rent. so I don't think you really have any ground to comment on what house I choose to rent.

The decision is always up to you, yes. I'm just saying that as your mother I know things about living that make big impacts.

such as a house feeling empty?

Yes, actually. It contributes to how other people percieve you.

i'm not doing this.

Darling…

it is my house, and I can live wherever the fuck I want.

Dozens of texts followed. All from her mom, all angry. Some telling her off for having cussed. Some for being ungrateful. Some for not talking to her anymore. Some saying that Andy hated her. Some which claimed that Andy never wanted to visit.

And then there was one question to top it all off.

Mom

Do you even really love me?

She didn't respond to it. She had no idea how to.

At least her mother cooled down after she sent it, which meant it was the last message in their conversation.

So it lingered.

…..

….

…

..

.

Two hands wrapped around Andy in a hug. A head rested on her right shoulder. She felt a form lean against her back.

"It's early for you to be up."

Whispered a groggy, half-asleep voice.

"Yeah."

"Mm. You should get back to bed."

"Couldn't sleep."

"Since we went to bed?"

"No. Just for a half-hour."

"Ah."

"I'll try to get back to bed soon."

"You should."

"And you should get ready for work."

"Yeah…"

…

"I could tuck back in with you. The alarm isn't going off for another hour."

"If you really insist-"

The duo walks back to their bed.

…

I got called into work.

I'll be back around midnight. It's a closing shift.

- Quint

Andy picked up a pill bottle.

SPIRONOLACTONE

TABLETS, USP

25 mg

30 Tablets

Taken Daily

Rx Only

Each film coated tablet contains 25 mn of spironolactone, USP.

Usual Dosage: (See package)

Store at 20° - 25° C

[See USP controlled room temperature]

STORE AWAY FROM LIGHT

KEEP THIS, AND ALL OTHER, DRUGS AWAY FROM ALL CHILDREN AT ALL MOMENTS

Andy took a pill. She placed it in her mouth and downed it with a glass of water.

As she stared out of her kitchen window. She stretched out her hand, moving aside the vines of all three of her Golden Pothos plants.

The sun began to set. An orange hue sprayed with magenta was overtaking the Rocky Mountain skyline. Andy wanted to drive out to see it. She took out her phone to text Quint. She wanted to ask them if they wanted to drive into the mountains.

Mom

Have you even loved me at all over the past few years?

It lingered. Even as Andy tried to look away from it.

All of the days where she ignored the text, pushing it to the delves of the deepest reaches of her minds; all of them came back at once. She felt an urge, an insistence to respond.

And so Andy called her mother.

I'm at the reservoir.

You know the spot. I'll be there for a few hours.

I took a taxi.

If you want, feel free to join me. I don't mind. I have rum with me.

Feel free to take our car.

- Andy

They entered the clearing and spotted a form laying on the ground. With a second to take a deep breath, they approached the form and stood over it.

"Quint! My man. How's it going?"

"Going good."

They sit next to Andy.

"Bring a towel?"

"Nope! Forgot one."

Andy gives a bottle to Quint.

"What's this?"

"Rum. Take it."

"Thanks."

"I've been nursing my own for a while. There is a third bottle if either of us finish ours early."

"I see."

…

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I don't know. Just stargazing in the middle of the night at three A.M. when you have work the next day."

"It's a closing shift. I can stay up late."

"Well have the stars been good tonight?"

"Nope. Been cloudy ever since I got here."

"…"

"What?"

"Aren't you cold?"

"It isn't winter anymore. I mean, we can head back if you want to. That'd be fine."

"No, it's fine."

…

"How was work?"

"Hectic."

"That sucks."

"Some festival was going on and two guys called out sick. So they called me in to close for both of them."

"Ouch."

"So I didn't get out until around two A.M. - also sorry I didn't see your note earlier."

"It's good."

"How long have you been here?"

"Since six."

"Jesus Christ, Andy."

"What?"

"We need to get you home. You've been here seven hours."

"In a bit."

"How long is a bit?"

"I want to see the sun rise. Maybe in an hour? If that is fine with you."

"Of course it is."

"Thank you."

…

"What's on your mind? Seriously."

"Nothing."

"Is it the androgen blockers?"

"No, well. Sorta."

"What is it?"

"I called my mother the other day. After me and her argued over text."

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

Mom

Phone Call Record

Susan: How long have you thought that?

Andy: A few months.

Susan: Have you told anyone?

Andy: Just Quint so far. And now, you.

Susan: Not your Aunt Shelley?

Andy: No.

Susan: Jesus. Andy- why didn't you tell me?

Andy: I don't know.

Susan: You don't know?

Andy: I just-

Susan: So you're telling me that you didn't think to approach your mother about this?!

Andy: Mom, I-

Susan: No, I mean. That clearly shows that you didn't think this through that well.

Andy: Oh my god…

Susan: We need to talk this over a bit. You know, make sure that you've figured it out-

Andy: No.

Susan: What did you say to me?

Andy: I'm saying, no.

Susan: No?

Andy: I've already thought this through. I've figured it out since December - nearly half a year now. I was thinking about it for a long time before that. It isn't getting that much more thought through.

Susan: You figured it out in December?

Andy: Yeah.

Susan: Did you figure it out before or after you visited?

Andy: During.

Susan: And you didn't think to even tell me-

Andy: I did think to tell you. I thought about it a lot. I was scared to tell you. I've been scared of it ever since.

Susan: Oh, sweetie…

Andy: Look- I didn't want any arguments. I didn't want to yell at each other. I didn't want to bring you on this around the holidays. This is right for me. It will make me happier.

Susan: So- so you're saying that you lied to me? For all of these months? Because what?! You don't trust me?

Andy: I didn't want to lose ties to you like Aunt Shelley did.

Susan: …

Andy: …

Susan: You're sure it will make you happy?

Andy: Yes.

Susan: I'm not entirely too sure I understand it, but-

Andy: …

Susan: I guess you know what you're doing with it.

Andy: Thank you.

A laugh left Andy's lips.

"You know- I honestly didn't expect her to react how she did."

…

"I thought it would go really, really bad. Disowning, all that stuff."

"But… It went well?"

"Yeah."

Quint hugs Andy.

"Are you okay? Be honest with me."

"I am, I am."

"You're sure?"

"I just-"

…

"I just needed a place to clear my head."

"Of course."

"I was so worried about how bad she'd react that I don't really know what to do now."

"You should lay down. Clear your head, look in the sky some more. There is time to figure that out later."

"When?"

"What?"

"When is that time?"

"I don't know."

"That's why I was thinking. Just thinking about how much my life is going to fucking suck now."

…

"And I only mean that as a half-joke, too!"

"Andy…"

"No, it's like- fucking living my life how I want to live is going to be so hard. People out there are actively judging me, trying to kill people like me. I would say that I can't be caught dead going to a place like West Virginia, but if I did go there is a good chance I would be!"

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yes, I do."

"Do you know how it feels every time I take a shower, or a bath, or change and I just see a dick hanging between my legs? Just- every morning I have to accept that it'll be there. And that if I want to remove that one, disgusting part of my body I'll have to go nearly into debt to possibly pay for a surgery that will only give me a replication of a vagina instead of the actual thing? All while people tell me I'm making a mistake and make me go through every hurdle and loop just to possibly get surgery that will make me feel just a little bit more like myself. And, hell - what if they're right about me making a mistake? What if I just…

"We've all gone through that, Andy. When I was figuring out some rough stuff about myself, I questioned every single day that I wore a binder, wore less makeup, styled my hair differently, eventually cut it off, and just every single piece of the journey."

"And you never regretted it?"

"Nope. Never did."

"What about your sister?"

"…"

"…"

"I love her. I really do love her. But she just doesn't see me as who I am. We yelled at each other and haven't spoken since. But despite all of that, I still don't regret me being who I am. I wouldn't take it back for a day."

…

"The clouds are starting to clear."

"Yeah."

"Shame the sun is coming up soon."

"What time is it?"

"Five twenty-seven A.M."

"Jesus. I should've made you come home sooner."

"Give me another half hour."

"Okay."

"Or, I could just sleep right here."

"I think it would be comfier at home."

"Really?"

"Mhm."

…

The sun rose and shone new light upon the entire day. The pair stood although both were exceptionally tired.

"Quint?"

"Yeah?"

"I honestly can't wait for Spring to kick into full gear."

…

2 mg / day

Estradiol Transdermal System, USP

Rx Only

Delivers 2 mg / day

Important: Package not child-resistant. Keep out of reach of children. Consume immediately upon removal. Do not store outside of the initial package.

Store at 20° - 25° C (68° - 77° F)

She took out a single pill and stared at it. This was it - the next step.

It was small. Small, white, and round. It barely left a gap between her index finger and thumb.

It was placed on the counter. She grabbed a glass and filled it with tap water from the faucet.

Then she downed the pill. That was it. No tears, no changes, nothing.

The pills are put away in a safe place.

Next came her moving to leave the kitchen. But a force pulled her back and brought her to the fridge

She took out the recipe for potato leek soup that her mother had given her.

She stared at it. She thought, she pondered. All of the emotions, the associations, and the failures.

How much the soup just didn't taste right.

Next came one last look at the recipe.

Potato Leek Soup

Ingredients:

2 Large Leeks

2 Cloves of Garlic

6 Large Potatos

2 Tbsp Salted Butter

2 Teaspoons of Salt

1 Teaspoon of Black Pepper

1 Cup of Cream

6 Cups of Chicken Broth/Stock

1 Sprig of Thyme

2 Bay Leaves

1 Teaspoon of Garlic Powder

Preparation:

Cut your leeks at the root end and halfway up the greens ##BFC0C3|and chop each leek in half. Thoroughly wash between each and every layer of the leeks, as they will have plenty of dirt trapped within. Chop your leeks.

Peel both cloves of garlic and crush. Peel, then dice your potatos and let them sit in a bowl of water for at least 15 minutes.##

Cooking

In a Dutch oven, throw in your butter and let melt at high heat. Then, add crushed cloves of garlic and your chopped leeks and let simmer for approximately 3 minutes at medium heat. Add in your potatos and let simmer for a further minute. Then add in your salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Add in all of your chicken broth/stock. Increase the temp to bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to a simmer and add your thyme and bay leaves. Let simmer for 15 minutes.

After 15 minutes, try to pierce the potatos with a fork. If you can pierce them with no resistance, turn off the heat. Fish out the bay leaves, and mash the soup. After fully mashed, add the whole cup of cream to the soup and mix.

Enjoy!

- Clarke Family Recipe

She stared at a blank sheet of paper held in her hands. It clearly had some sort of use, being wrinked and worn. But she just couldn't remember why.

Something became a blank slate in her memory. An idea that she just couldn't remember.

So, with no use for a piece of paper that meant nothing to her, she tore it in half and threw it away.

Then she checked every ingredient in her kitchen. All of her cupboards, her fridge, her counter. She gathered everything she could.

And then, Andie began to experiment.

Potato Leek Soup

Ingredients:

Loaf of Sourdough Bread

6 oz of Salami

6 Leeks

6 Potatoes

Chicken Broth/Stock

1 Cup of Cream

4 Cloves of Garlic

Pepper

Garlic Powder

Onion Powder

Cayenne Powder

MSG

Celery Salt

Salt

Brown Sugar

2 Bay Leaves

1 Sprig of Rosemary

Tools:

Dutch Oven/Soup Pot

Spatula

Ladle

Cutting Board

Knife

Mixing Bowl

Immersion Blender

Preparation:

Place your cold pot on your stovetop. Do not turn on the heat.

Take the salami and cut into chunks. Peel and dice all six of your garlic cloves. Make sure that you have at least six cups of chicken broth/stock available, although have more ready if you can.

Slice off the root of your leeks. Then, cut your leeks once length-wise down the middle. Chop all of your leeks from the whites up until the greek stalks become dry. Place all of the chopped leeks in the mixing bowl, and bring them to the sink. Begin to fill the bowl with water as you use your hands to massage the chopped leeks, doing so to remove all of the dirt and sediment. Fill up to the top of the bowl with water. The leeks should float at the top of your bowl.

(Optionally peel your potatoes). Wash off your potatoes thoroughly to remove dirt and excess starch. Chop into small chunks.

Cooking:

In your cold pot, place all of your diced salami. Make sure that there is no water or oil in the pot. Turn the temperature up to medium-high (As the temperature of the pot increases, fat will render out of the salami. This should produce enough fat to dually cook the salami and all other ingredients you need to fry before putting in stock. Any other fatty meat would work as a substitute.). Let simmer for 2 - 5 minutes, until a thin layer of fat covers the pot. Begin stirring salami after one minute.

After roughly a minute, add in your garlic. Let simmer for a further minute before removing the leeks from your bowl and place them into the pot (As said before, all of the leeks should float. Try to minimize the amount of water going into the pot. While some water is inevitable, putting in too much water with the leek will prevent the leeks from frying.).

DO NOT pour remaining water in the bowl down your sink. There should be visible amounts of sand and debris that sink down to the bottom of your bowl, which may be harmful for your drainage. The water is great to use for watering your plants. If not, simply pour the water outside.

Stir frequently and let simmer for around three more minutes. After the time has passed, add in your potatoes. Stir roughly twice a minute for three minutes. (Cooking the potatoes and leeks ahead of boiling them helps the entire dish cook faster, as well as giving them browning and flavor.)

When the potatoes are done simmering, add in enough chicken broth/stock. If you like thicker soups, make sure to add enough stock to just barely cover the other ingredients. If you like lighter soups, add in enough stock to cover the ingredients by one or two inches.

With the stock in, turn the temperature up to high. While the soup begins to boil, add in both bay leaves and a tablespoon of brown sugar (Brown sugar makes every recipe taste better). Frequently stir and scrape the bottom of the pot to avoid burning.

Once the soup has reached a boil, reduce the heat to low/medium-low and stir until the soup is reduced to a simmer. Let simmer for 15 - 30 minutes. Check your potatoes every 2 - 3 minutes starting at around ten minutes. Once your potatoes are easily piercable with a fork, they are ready.

Add in your seasonings. You can choose different seasonings depending on your personal taste preferences. If you choose to add both salt and celery salt, make sure to minimize the amount of standard salt you apply accordingly to how much celery salt you put in (I personally only put half as much salt in as I do celery salt).

Use your spatula to fish out both bay leaves. Add in your cup of cream. Add more or less cream depending on your desired coloration. No matter how much you add, let your cream simmer for a few minutes until it separates and a thin layer forms on the soup. This should also be accompanied by the soup thickening.

Turn off your heat and take out your immersion blender. Puree the soup to your desired consistency.

After you are done pureeing, add in your rosemary.

Serve the soup in a bowl with a side of sourdough bread. Rip off chunks of the sourdough and dip in the soup to eat.

Enjoy!

- Andie Clarke