Who was Jared? - SCP Foundation

Thank you all for coming.

Today we lament the tragic passing of one of our finest agents and researchers, dearest Jared, who died last Saturday by accidentally falling down the stairs and straight into the containment chamber for the blood-sucking bone-breaking brain-eviscerating monster fetus spider-snakes, which was left open by pure happenstance and no-one is really to blame, I think we can all agree on that.

Well, who just was Jared? Friendly, funny, always aiming to do his best. He will be very well remembered by every single one of us, due to his many astounding accomplishments and unfathomable achievements during the twenty years of his employment. Who could forget the time Jared spilled hot coffee all over Dr. Gears' extremely important papers, which directly led to the gruesome torture and murder of thirty retrospectively innocent D-Class subjects?

Some words from you, Charles? No? Well, I think he still remembers it, don't you, Charles?

Speaking of remembering, didn't we all have a laugh when Jared managed to delete the concept of his own surname, along with good ol' Dr. Fjord's ability to comprehend numbers above seven and the entire east-wing of the radioactive wasteland Site-59 would transform into by causally completely unrelated events?

Yes, Jared always left a striking impression on people, even without the memetic agent on his name plate which he wore for thirteen hours straight and made people peel off their faces. Some might say without Jared we wouldn't have an Antimemetics Division today - ah, there they are, still made it - and wouldn't that just be awful?

From Site-19 to Overwatch, Jared's journey through the inner mechanics of the Foundation gave us many opportunities to test the capabilities of our most hazardous and cruel containment protocols and I just have to say thank you, Jared. Words alone cannot express our gratitude and appreciation, which is why you all have a bow and some arrows under your chairs to show his mutilated corpse how much we all miss him.

I can assure you that all movements and gestures his body might make are merely involuntary muscular spasms caused by the still active neurotoxins in his circulatory system.

With that said, who wants to be the first?