Bones Malone and The Spooky Boys - SCP Foundation

A- I -min-

Am I c- -ow?

Am I coming in now?

AH! There we are! I knew I just needed to re-route the Gordon amplifiers through the Hawkmen relay.

Now!

Good morning, and a wonderful All Saints Day to you, the dear listeners of the illustrious Deer College Guerilla Radio Station; coming to you all throughout Three Portlands on all airwaves, including one wavelength that mankind was not meant to know of—I told you I'd get that set up for you, Grothanorphax!

With the dawning of November, we bid farewell to that wild cad and crew, Bones Malone and the Spooky Boys. As is tradition with the DCGR station, I'll be spending this morning recounting the major exploits of Mr. Malone and his crew. Most of these are a re-telling of my own reports, but I am in possession of the works of a couple of the more… unsavory journalists that plague The Odyssey's office. No, I am not plagiarizing, folks. These articles apparently disappeared from the desks of their respective authors. I would give them credit where credit is due, but it appears neither of them bothered to put their names on the paperwork.

But, without further preamble or ramble, let us recount the mischief and mayhem as one of the most notorious paracrime outfits gave our city the annual shakedown.

October 1st

Well folks, here we are once more in Three Portlands during a gorgeous October! And that means Bones Malone and The Spooky Boys are at it again. Reports are coming in that the first victim of Malone’s terrorizing is none other than our beloved Tim Wilson, of Wilson's Wildlife Solutions. It seems the gang descended upon his sanctuary and caused quite a ruckus as Mr. Malone was giving the gentle Mr. Wilson quite the squeeze. In the words of Mr. Wilson, ‘They gave us all quite a fright! You would think we’d be used to Mr. Malone by now, but things are always in an uproar when that trio shows up. You should’ve seen how upset the animals were at all that rattling!’

October 4th

Update number two on Bones and his boys, listeners! It seems this was another year when Bones and his lads shuffled their way down to Deer College student housing for some ghostly delights at our own Haunted House! They came bearing gifts, just like in previous years when they’ve stopped by one of the reanimated raves we’re always graced with during this most sacred of months. Of course, Bones was sure to bring some of the finest–certainly stolen–Dwarven ale and Sidhe wine his stock has to offer. The trio proceeded to party all night with our living-incapacitated peers–and any living party animal daring enough to join the shindig.

On a related note, eight dorm spaces from Canyon House, and twenty-seven in MadSci, are now available for any looking for campus housing.

October 10th

It’s been nearly a week since we’ve heard from the illustrious Bones Malone or at least anything more than some mild mischief around town, but once more, The Spooky Boys are rattling on some doors! This time they kicked down the entrance of Anderson Robotics, Tommy guns bore and demanding to speak with Mr. Dornanse, the sitting head of the company. Mr. Dornanse, being the reasonable and logical man he is, simply buzzed them right in. Only Mr. Dornanse would truly be able to articulate what happened next.

We all know the annual hooliganism that Mr. Malone brings, so, of course, I had no fear of them and simply decided to get it all over with. At least then my lobby won’t be full of holes from gunfire and me needing to hire someone new to clerk the front desk. To my surprise, however, the trio set up a presentation that was quite insightful, if a bit antiquated in method, on the problems with the skeletal structure of the new line of robotic humanoids we have been working on. I have no idea how they knew of the designs, honestly. But, I have decided to pardon them, and all involved, due to their very constructive feedback leading to a 34% reduction in the timescale to full production!

October 14th

This morning, a mild ruckus at the town’s Art District proved to be another of Mr. Malones’ wild escapades. What terrible deed did the trio get up to in our quaint little Bohemia? A short interview with Miss Daily, of You Paint It, We Frame, It found that things took quite the artistic turn. In the words of Miss Daily;

Mr. Malone and his two friends spooked me quite a bit when they walked into my humble store, but they quickly proved to be perfect gentlemen! Mr. Malone told me, ‘Me and the boys here need a new portrait for our poker room; the current one’s got too many bullet holes in it. We already got the picture, and I hear you’s is the best framer in town. So you got yourself a commission, see?’ I do hope I did Mr. Malone’s words justice; he has a lovely speaking voice, you know. At any rate, they handed me their painting and told me I had a week or they would '[…] set up our own frame job.’ I’m not quite sure what that means, but they paid in advance and were very generous!

October 15th

In what appears to be an artistic spree, that excellent little jazz cafe in downtown, Three Bohemias, has been the next target of Bones Malone! The trio caused quite a stir as they burst into the cafe, instrument cases in their hands that surely held the signature Tommy guns the trio is known for! But things took a lyrical turn as the trio made their way to the stage, opened their cases, and proceeded to set up for a performance. Those cases were of quite some interest as one contained an entire drumset and in another a full double bass; Mr. Malone’s case made more sense as he pulled out a simple trumpet.

The news of Mr. Malone and The Spooky Boys preparing to perform spread like fire around the surrounding area, and within minutes, the cafe was packed tighter than Willaim Howard Taft’s coffin. But don’t worry, my dear listeners, you can be sure your host was in attendance as those bone daddies blew us all away.

After a bit of tuning up, Mr. Malone stepped forward to the microphone, tipped his hat, said, ‘This one’s for Louis’, and the trio started their set with a stunning rendition of ‘La vie en rose’. Then, they set all of our bones shivering as the trio covered some of the best jazz hits of the last century. Of course, it is always a sight to behold a skeleton playing trumpet when they lack lungs and lips, but Mr. Malone is undoubtedly not one to let little things such as organs or a mouth get in his way.

October 18th

It seems after setting fire to the musical senses of patrons at ‘The Bebop’ last Sunday, Mr. Malone and his boys were found to literally set fire to a small warehouse on the fringes of town. Witnesses state that Mr. Malone was heard shouting, ‘You’s mugs think you’re living up Richie D’s legacy?! Ya makin’ me laugh from my head to the tibia my toes!’ The trio then opened fire on the open main bay door of the building without any further preamble and, shortly after, began using a crate of bottles as Molotov cocktails to begin the fire that would ravage the structure. They were quickly met with another unidentified trio who returned fire on Mr. Malone and his Boys as they made their way to a small vehicle and swiftly fled the scene.

UIU Agents and The Fire Brigade thaumaturgists arrived at the scene just as the last bits of gunfire were exchanged before Malone and his duo, and the unknown triplet, beat a hasty retreat. Due to having to deal with the raging fire, the two groups were able to quickly escape outside the agent's reach. Once the fire wizards made short work of the infernos, the UIU entered the building and found that it was being used as a storehouse for numerous illegal anomalous items. Particularly noted was the large amount of varying liquors stashed in the crates.

While the identities of the trio who operated out of the warehouse remain officially unknown, second-hand accounts report one of the agents shouting, ‘Fuckin' tell me that ain’t Murakami behind the wheel!’ Those familiar with current paracrime events will certainly make the connection to Murakami Killswitch, known to be the wheelman for The Chicago Spectre.

October 21st

The gloves seem to be coming off those boney fingers of Mr. Malone as his gang continues the violence from the eighteenth, but with a very different target. We all know Misters Marshall, Carter, & Dark operate illegal auctions within the town–it’s part of the charm here–but they rarely ever cause a stir among the residents. This tepid peace was shattered in the late hours of the evening when Mr. Malone and his duo reared their heads again to raid an ongoing auction. The incursion started when a human skull had come up for bidding. It appeared to be completely normal before witnesses stated it roared to life and shouted, ‘I’m a powerful demonic force! I’m the harbinger of your doom! And the forces of darkness will applaud me as I STRIDE through the gates of hell carrying your head on a pike!’

In order to retain civility, the staff gagged the amusing post-dead fellow. It appears bidding had just begun at twenty-five dollars when gunfire was heard from the lobby. The door to the hall quickly burst open, and the infamous trio muscled their way inside. Mr. Malone was reported to be silent as a tomb as he stared directly at the auctioneer the entire time he stalked up the aisle to the stage; all while those two thugs were at his side to quell those in attendance by brandishing their weapons. Once they reached the lectern, Mr. Malone exchanged a few short sentences with the auctioneer and then gunned the man down without another word. After readjusting his tie, Mr. Malone was said to then retrieve the skull, remove the gag, and lead the rest back out through the front entrance.

October 24th

ICSUT today was not greeted with festivities by Mr. Malone and his gang—one more reason Deer rules. Once they'd gotten to the campus, they were found to be questioning anyone they came across regarding the whereabouts of Dr. Moria, the college's Head of Necromancy. Once they finally learned his location, teaching a lecture on preserving zombie flesh at that time, the trio made their way to the lecture hall and stormed in. When he was questioned, Dr. Moria confirmed his identity, at which time Malone's sidekicks seized the professor and hauled him over to stand before Mr. Malone. However, Malone was noted to look around the lecture hall and state, 'Not here, boys. These kids don't need to see what happens when you commit crimes against The Bone Batallion'. Mr. Malone then led the group out of the lecture hall and to Dr. Moria's office. No gunfire was heard, but the unmistakable voice of Dr. Moria was heard loudly ringing out in agony through the halls before quickly cutting out.

Why was Dr. Moria targeted by the gangsters and forcibly retired to his office? Rumors of ICSUT administration using reanimated skeletons, against their will, to re-shelve their library’s books have been flying for a while now, and it seems there may be some truth to them. So, it would seem our rival campus certainly walks in lock-step with their masters at the Occult Coalition if they so freely practice post-death slavery.

After engaging in a short, retreating gunfight with the ICSUT campus security, the trio was seen quickly fleeing from the scene. It should be noted that, although gunfire was exchanged, the only victim of the gang today was Dr. Moria.

As a result of this incident, the UIU is opening a full investigation into the matter of illegal necromantic practices on the part of Dr. Moria, and the ICSUT administration. Unfortunately, the prime suspect, Dr. Moria himself, was found in his office shortly after the scene was secured, deceased, and missing his entire skeleton.

October 31st

Now… we know the last few significant exploits of the nefarious Bones Malone and The Spooky Boys have seen extreme violence and death. So what could they possibly have planned for this hallowed day?

As you all are getting your finest costumes on and, for you rascals after my own heart, already pre-gaming for the evening’s festivities, have a listen to what our little X-Files gang, The Unusual Incidents Unit, was met with once their lunches had settled.

In the late afternoon, the commotion outside the UIU main office was hard to miss. The gangster ghouls marched their way up to the front door, rushed into the bustling office, and were greeted with every handgun the UIU had available. (So, about seven guns.) And what did Malone and the Boys do in response? What weapons were they holding?!

Bags of candy.

And they went around the office, handing out candy bars to every agent; full size, bless those bones. After the excitement of their entrance, the building calmed down in the face of the Halloween treats.

Before they left the building, Captain Daniels, the current head of the Three Portlands office, was given one last treat to pass on to a specific superior. This hard-working reporter was lucky enough to arrive on the scene just as Mr. Malone reeled back his right arm and slugged the Captain right across the cheek, sending the man sprawling to the floor.

As the trio ventured back into the city, Mr. Malone glanced over his shoulder and simply said, ‘Make sure ya pass that sugar onto Ol’ Herbie, ya hear? And tell’em ‘Happy Halloween, from Bonesy.'