The Ballad Of Soup Dog - SCP Foundation

by Mr Carbon

Author's Note

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This was my 2022 Gift Exchange gift for Elunerazim, who liked poem-adjacent things and wanted someone to write about Soup Dog. This turned out more of a bizarre anomalous country ballad, but they liked it, so…

THE BALLAD OF THE SOUP DOG

Those in the know, allegedly, say:

A long time ago, in a Site far away

We contained a peculiar golden and friendly old mutt.

He lived in a cell; ate kibble; and to

The average well-wisher's innocent view

Appeared to be totally unremarkable.

But!

A few times a week, it burned in his chest:

The urge to soup-seek! And when on this quest

Any who saw him felt strongly compelled by his yelps.

And on one such day, one distant July

He headed away. And we still don't know why,

Save that the Soup Dog was bound and determined to help.

Soon followed around (as staff adhered to

The guidance that's found in Skip Six Eight Oh-Two),

The canine displayed some unusual seeking behavior.

For example, he strode past huge barrels of gloop

(More precisely, a vast cache of canned Campbell's soup)

Even though all of it was his time-tested favorite flavor!

Instead, with his usual handler in tow

Our delusional-acting pup wanted to go

To the Site's other wing, where the vehicle pool could be found.

Bemused by all this, but also compelled

To follow each wish of the pupper they held

Our faithful attendant decided to drive him around.

Turned out, when the car left the Site's main garage

It didn't get far before Soup Dog took charge:

He barked, whined, and pointed to show which directions to choose.

And after a trip past the few nearby towns

And into the sticks of their rural surrounds,

An ominous series of buildings rose up into view.

"Well, Soup Dog: why here?" groaned the pup's human friend

But then, as they peered at the sign near the end

Of the road, they read: REGIONAL CAMPBELL'S SOUP BULK HOLDING POOL.

"Oh, come on! Not even you'll drink all of THAT —"

A metal-stress screaming! Abruptly, a vat

Bursts wide open! A soup-nami heads for the quaint local school!

"…You're shitting me, man!" But Soup Dog was not!

He broke from his leash, ran - and inhaled the lot:

All ten thousand liters. (We still don't know how it's digested.)

Then, as the steam cleared from the site of the fray

The witnesses cheered: "Soup Dog! Hip, hooray!!"

(Don't worry: we tracked them all down to give them their amnestics.)

And later, when all the excitement died down

Our soup hero, sated, and wearing a crown

That said "BEST DOG EVER" the schoolkids had all made for him,

Allowed the Foundation to drive him right back

To his usual location, and then, as he tracked

Soup behind him, he entered his cell again.

…Was that a grin?

Can dogs show emotion that way? It sure seemed,

As Soup Dog went back to his bay to be cleaned,

That he was amused at the chaos that had just transpired.

Just one final thing: next day, a curt note

Went to Dr. 'Zim. Their Director wrote:

"A one-twenty liter top limit? I think not. You're fired."