Coming Down - SCP Foundation

October 9th, 2016 | 9:56 PM

"It's twenty-two hundred. Quiet d-" Officer Rance Roberts is interrupted mid-sentence by his coworker. He turns around, scowling. "What? Are the clocks off again?"

The man in front of him is Joy. Joy Rice. Rance always found that name peculiar, especially for a 250-pound prison guard who hadn't smiled in at least four days. Hell, the man had always had this characteristic facial expression insinuating he doesn't even feel joy, so to have it as a legal first name is even more perplexing.

"No, the clocks aren't off," Joy says quietly, leading Rance out of the hall doorway and back into the security office. "You're just not doing that anymore, remember?"

Rance bites his tongue. "Last I checked, I had two weeks left."

"That's a courtesy, to allow you to transfer sites and get rehired if you want. You're effectively on probation."

"…What? Why didn't anyone tell me that means I can't do anything?"

Joy sighs and takes Rance by the arm, guiding him over to the lesser-used end of the security feed desk. "You can still monitor the feeds as normal. Just don't interact with the D-classes."

Rance feels his pulse quickening with frustration. "Do you guys realize that you never actually told me why you fired me? Or why I'm being treated like-"

"Shh, shh. We already gave you your report, Roberts; you know that."

"'Take some time to yourself due to emotional stress factors', was it?" he hisses, lowing his voice and leaning toward the younger man. "Joy, I don't want to be unprofessional with you as my supervisor, but you can't fire someone because their life got a little worse in a few places! I'm pretty sure that's not even within the rules!"

Joy's eyes narrow. "Roberts, so help me God, you know I am on your side in this," he says, barely audibly. "The demotion is what it is. And you're not fucking fired, so stop over-dramatizing. We told you multiple times — and it was clear in your paperwork, or so I thought — that this isn't a punishment. You need some time to get your head together, get your finances together, get yourself feeling better."

Rance puts his head in his hands and sniffs, clearing his throat. "Alright, look."

"Put your hands down. Don't get stressed."

"Then don't condescend me." His mouth forms a straight line as he inhales sharply. "Just listen to me. I am going to be completely blunt with you in that I think last month's false allegations are affecting the other staff's reasoning in this."

"Oh for fuck's sake, Roberts. Don't do this to yourself."

"How about you don't do it to me?" he snaps. "I have all the fucking counter-evidence, which the Ethics Committee so helpfully neglected to even read until twenty days after they became aware of the case. I've got someone running around the entire site telling people I'm a rapist with no evidence except one mouthy D-class blatantly lying, and you fucks respond by demoting me for 'health reasons'? Do you think I'm a fucking idiot? Do you think I can't put two and two together? You're getting rid of me because it's the fucking easy option!"

"Lower your voice immediately, unless you want to clock out early and hand me your badge."

Rance pauses and grits his teeth. "Very well," he mutters after several seconds.

Joy leans forward. "Seriously, Rance, go home. I know you're better than this. Come back tomorrow, finish your two weeks, and then move to another site and move on."

"Joy, I don't want to go home. I want to feel stable again. I want my job back. I never did any of those things."

"That's not why you were laid off, and if you won't believe me on that, then I don't know what to tell you."

"Fine. Yeah, yeah, I get it."

"Now get out of here for the night. Sleep on a normal person's schedule for once."

Rance nods. "Alright, alright. I'm going." He stands up and unclips his access card from his shirt collar. "So… you need this?" He knows his tone sounded hostile. He doesn't care.

"No. Get out. Go vent to your girlfriend."

"Oh, that's a professional thing to add," he spits. He slams the door behind him, leaving Joy no time to retort.

As he walks toward the elevators, he takes out his pager.

˙ǝuoɥd sᴉɥ ʇno sǝʞɐʇ ǝɥ 'sɹoʇɐʌǝlǝ ǝɥʇ pɹɐʍoʇ sʞlɐʍ ǝɥ s∀

22:05 | Adam Leeward

Hey Rance. Are you off yet?

Rance Roberts | 22:05

just left, shit day. how was yours

22:05 | Adam Leeward

Decent I guess. You got any special plans for the night?

Rance Roberts | 22:06

i really don't

i still feel like shit about last month

i think they fired me for it actually

22:06 | Adam Leeward

It's unlikely. I know slander hurts, but they knew all the evidence was on your side.

Rance Roberts | 22:06

i wish I could believe that. but I just can't.

They told me they're laying me off because of 'health reasons'

HEALTH REASONS

I mean my dysphoria may be bad lately but it's not that bad

not bad enough to fire me for

I mean I only started T like… what… a month ago?

I cant remember

it was when they agreed to switch me from the female cell block duty to the male.

22:06 | Adam Leeward

Hold up. They didn't fire you because you're trans.

Don't convince yourself of that, for your own sake.

You know they're all super understanding of that

the Foundation's medicine is too advanced to not understand it, lol.

You're safe here.

Rance Roberts | 22:07

Well I feel like it's likely

it's either they can't handle a trans dude on the male cell block or they believe Gailey's rape allegations

22:07 | Adam Leeward

Gailey isn't there anymore. She transferred after the rest of the staff found out she was exaggerating, remember? Your case was closed in your favor. Don't do this to yourself, please.

I don't like seeing you like this. I'm at 81 right now but I will gladly fly there if you need me nafew weeks.

*in a few weeks

Rance Roberts | 22:07

Fuck man. I don't know.

And Gailey shuold have b een FIRED

they gave her a fucking easy way out.

and no, i odn't want you to have to do that

22:08 | Adam Leeward

I don't have to do anything. I just want to help you out if you need me.

Rance Roberts | 22:08

Well supposedly I have a girlfriend that cares

supposedly

Rance Roberts | 22:10

I'm not trying to be negative, I just feel like shit

Rance Roberts | 22:12

are you still there

Rance Roberts | 22:15

i don't wanna pester you i just dont have anyone else to talk to and she never stays the night anymore. i'm just really lonely and it's affecting my mood. i'm sorry

22:15 | Adam Leeward

Fuck, sorry. I'm still at work.

Skip needs attention.

Rance Roberts | 22:15

they always do

22:16 | Adam Leeward

I can call you when I'm done here, if you want.

Shouldn't be more than a few more mins

Rance Roberts | 22:16

Alright

if I don't answer it's just because Jane's over for once

hopefully/not-hopefully

Rance Roberts | 22:17

are you sure you'd want to visit me?

i mean

like

you haven't seen me since before I transitioned.

22:17 | Adam Leeward

I don't know why that would affect anything(?)

Rance Roberts | 22:17

I mean

this is awkward

I know we had a thing going for a while.

22:17 | Adam Leeward

oh omg

Yes, we did, and I still like you

I'm not visiting you just to fuck you

22:18 | Adam Leeward

I mean unless you want that.

i mean i'm bi anyway so no it's not some sort of problem

…Yes, this is awkward. lol

you pass really well. Please don't feel bad about yourself

Rance Roberts | 22:18

JUST

lmao

and no it's

it's awkward because I made it awkward.

fuuuuuck

my libido is at 0.00% anyway

i thought T was supposed to increase libido but I hate the way I look so much that i just

can't

like get turned on

ever

i hate it

no wonder Jane's not into me anymore

Rance Roberts | 22:18

I just want to forget.

I think if i could forget, I would feel normal.

I worry too much and if I could forget things I wish I didn't know, I'd be alright.

Like that case last month.

If I could forget I knew the counterevidence, I would feel okay.

I wouldn't think about it all the time

I would feel like they demoted me for stupid reasons but i would be able to move on.

you know?

22:19 | Adam Leeward

Yes.

Rance Roberts | 22:19

So like

yeah.

I'm gonna head on in my room (I've been pacing the hallway, haha) and see if Jane is there and if she's not I might just go over to the old office.

22:20 | Adam Leeward

Wait why would you go to the office

Rance Roberts | 22:20

night dude. thank you for talking to me

22:20 | Adam Leeward

why would you go to the office

you're worrying me I'm sorry

I thought you said you didn't still have access to that computer? What's in there?

22:28 | Adam Leeward

Rance?

22:42 | Adam Leeward

I hope for your sake that you fell asleep. Call me in the morning if you need. I don't clock in until 10 tomorrow.

When he's finished pacing by the door to his quarters, he opens the door.

"Oh. You scared me."

Rance grins. "Hey Jane."

She smiles, but looks downward and sinks further into the bed as he closes the door behind him. "I'm so sorry I haven't been spending the night," she says, her soft voice muffled by her fingers.

"It's okay. I know why. Or, at least, I think I know why."

She sighs as he sets his briefcase on the table and unzips his vest. "I know. And I should have talked to you sooner. About it."

"Or in general." It's his attempt at humor.

"So…"

"So you're a lesbian and I'm a man instead of a butch now. I get it."

She laughs lowly, but it's hollow. "It's… not the same as when we met, no."

"I understand. I'm always going to love you and want you, but- oh, fuck."

"What?"

"That- that sounded manipulative. Saying I love you."

"No it didn't. You can be honest. Don't beat yourself up, I- I hate it when you do that to yourself."

He nods and takes a breath, slowly sitting on the edge of the bed. "It's been three years, you and I. And I'm not what- I'm not who I was when you and I fell in love. You like girls. And that's fine. I mean, hell, it's actually better that you don't still see me as a girl and thus aren't attracted to me anymore. Means it's working." He smiles halfheartedly and leans back on the bed. "I understand."

"It's not only that. Not only you." She tanks his hand in hers. "I'm not happy here."

He winces internally, if only because he knows he's not in an emotional state to deal with someone else's problems. He can't give her what she deserves. "What do you mean by that? Here at this site? Or my room, I mean- I can clean the room-"

"The Foundation, Rance. I don't like it here."

"Do you want to transfer departments?"

"No, I want to leave. I want to be normal again. I want a nine-to-five desk job that won't get me killed or amnesticized. I want to be a stable human being again. I want my life back." She's crying, ever-so-slightly. Rance sits up and puts an arm around her while she takes a breath to continue. "I don't like what we do. I don't like thinking about- it."

"About what, honey?"

That makes her pull away a little. "About us. I don't like thinking about locking anomalous people up. I don't like thinking about the things the Ethics Committee approves. I don't like thinking about the fact that the person I'm dating gets paid to guard human test subjects. I don't like it. I want to be a good person again."

"No." He swallows. "You are a good person. We are good people."

She looks into his eyes for only a second before turning away again. "I'm not going to argue. We're just- we're too different. We're different people. I can't stay here." She sniffs and takes a tissue off the bedside table. "I actually only came here to say goodbye."

"W-what-"

"I quit. I told the directors that I quit. I'm leaving tomorrow."

His heart thumps in his chest. "But- don't you know-"

"I know, Rance."

"They amnesticize you. You're not going to remember anything."

"They implant false memories. It was expensive, that option, but I don't care."

"Jane, you won't remember anything. The site, living here, anything you've ever worked on or with or for… it's all going to be gone."

"I know-"

"Me. You met me here."

She sobs again. "I know."

"You're going to forget me. We- we met each other here." He swallows. It tastes like bile.

"I have to, Rance. I'm so sorry."

"All because of- because of what, some guidelines of- what, fucking- arbitrary moral boundaries?"

"Oh God, please don't fight with me over it-"

"I'm not- fuck, fuck." He's angry. He feels it rising up his spine. "I have a lot to say. And I won't." He picks up his bag and vest again. He doesn't know where he's going. "I won't. Just, uh… Let yourself out. The door re-locks on its own."

"Please, I don't want it to be like this-"

"I'm just being awful." His eyes are watering. His hands are shaking. "You don't deserve to be around me when I'm like this, and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

She wails. "God, please God, please don't leave- I didn't want this to happen…"

"In twenty-four hours you won't remember me, Jane. It doesn't matter. I love you. I always will. Goodbye." He closes the door. The hallway light is blinding, and even moreso refracted through his tears.

He wipes his face with his shirt sleeve and walks, then runs, then stumbles down the hallway.

˙ʎɐʍןןɐɥ ǝɥʇ uʍop sǝןqɯnʇs uǝɥʇ 'sunɹ uǝɥʇ 'sʞןɐʍ puɐ ǝʌǝǝןs ʇɹıɥs sıɥ ɥʇıʍ ǝɔɐɟ sıɥ sǝdıʍ ǝɥ

Rance Roberts | 22:56

Well that went badly

she didn't just break up with me, she broke up with the whole Foundation

22:57 | Adam Leeward

Fuck, I was hoping you were asleep.

I'm sorry to hear that.

(Also wondering how that's possible…)

Rance Roberts | 22:57

she chose to do that expensive-ass false memories total-quit thing

I'm heading down to the old office now

22:58 | Adam Leeward

Okay, so I was worried earlier about why you're going down there.

What is it there that you need?

Rance Roberts | 22:58

I need to look at some records.

I think I know how to fix my firing situation at the cell block.

22:58 | Adam Leeward

Don't do it.

Listen, digging through things that make you angry will not help you at all.

You need to sleep. You know what you're like when you get like this.

Please listen to me.

Rance Roberts | 22:58

I'm sorry but no

I have to stand up for myself

I refuse to lose my job- I can't deal with it

22:58 | Adam Leeward

Rance, listen to me

This will not help.

Whatever evidence you're going to go pull off an old hard drive

it will do nothing. The Ethics Committee already read everything, remember?

Please don't go

you're going to get into an unhealthy mental place if you go sit in that office

please listen to me, please trust me

Rance Roberts | 22:59

I just want to forget it all

I want to forget everything

I want to forget Jane and I want to forget D-9241 and I want to forget what Joy said to me today and I want to forget the stuff I read that Gailey said about me and I want to fucking

I just want to forget

22:59 | Adam Leeward

Do I need to call someone for you

I think I might

You're really concerning me right now. Do you have anything with you?

Rance Roberts | 23:00

just got to the office

what kind of anything?

23:00 | Adam Leeward

You sound like you're in a bad place mentally right now and I want to make sure you're not going to self-harm

Rance Roberts | 23:00

oh don't do that doctor stuff with me.

for fucks sake.

leave it to your skip(s)

23:01 | Adam Leeward

I care about you.

Please remember that.

Rance Roberts | 23:01

I'm gonna delete my messages now - in 2 hrs, text me something random and unrelated

23:01 | Adam Leeward

Wait what?

Don't go just yet.

What is that for?

23:03 | Adam Leeward

Don't do this to me dude.

23:05 | Adam Leeward

Oh my god. Fuck. I think I know what you're doing

but I hope that I'm wrong.

Rance, do not take amnestics, okay

Don't.

23:06 | Adam Leeward

Are you reading these

MISSED CALL (1) FROM ADAM LEEWARD 23:07

23:08 | Adam Leeward

if you take anything in the A-C range you have the potential to KILL YOURSELF

please god be reading these

I swear to god listen to me

If you take anything in the A-C class you are endangering your health.

Those are chemically instable and you do NOT want to ingest them during hormone therapy AND on antidepressants

it is a recipe for disaster

you are going to fuck your blood pressure to high hell

please stop

MISSED CALL (1) FROM ADAM LEEWARD 23:10

23:08 | Adam Leeward

Please be ignoring me and not actually away from your pager

I wont be mad I promise I just want you to be safe

Please answer the calls.

Please tell me something

MISSED CALL (1) FROM ADAM LEEWARD 23:14

23:15 | Adam Leeward

Fuck.

Rance sits down at his old desk and lowers his briefcase onto the table. He hasn't been here since at least three months ago, and it's already dusty. He's never been quite sure why he left it, come to think of it; they wanted him to cut his paperwork hours and increase his guard hours, but it's not like they took his computer access in here away until the very end. Just the other day, actually, all thanks to his 'removal'. But he knew he could still get in. They didn't actually do anything. They just told him not to use the computer, and trusted he'd obey them.

He starts by turning off the lights. He only wants the glow of the monitor. He doesn't want to see the placard by the door; he doesn't want to see the picture of him and his coworkers on the right-side wall; he doesn't want to look at himself in the left corner's mirror. He doesn't want to be aware.

He boots up the computer, the Windows startup screen casting a cold blue glow on his reddened face. He sighs and opens his bag. His laptop. His change of clothes. Four unused hypodermic needles. A spray-can of Class-As, which he had anyway. Four bottles of Type III Class-C, which he took from the cell block's medical wing. That was what they used on the D-classes. That was the type that was capable of wiping away a month of memories. A month, back to early September. September, a few days before it all started. Before D-9241 got in a fight with him. Before Safety Officer Laurel Gailey watched them on the feeds. Before 9241 lied. Before Gailey pretended it was sex. Before Gailey went snooping in his home life and using everything she could find against him. Before any of it.

But first, he wants to look again. He doesn't want to look again, but it's there. It's been there for weeks. He wants to know. He has to know if he got anything wrong. And as he readies the bottles and syringes, he opens a folder on the hard drive.

And he looks at the paperwork.

˙sʇɹodǝɹ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ sʞooן ǝɥ puɐ

And he looks at the pager records.

˙spɹoɔǝɹ ɹǝbɐd ǝɥʇ ʇɐ sʞooן ǝɥ puɐ

ARCHIVED RECORDS OF PERSONAL COMMUNICATION, SEPTEMBER 2016

███ ██████ | 21:20

Hey dude. You got a minute?

21:20 | Rance Roberts

Yeah sure

what is it?

███ ██████ | 21:20

I need to talk to you about something kinda awkward.

21:20 | Rance Roberts

uh oh

███ ██████ | 21:20

Don't sweat it, don't sweat it. Can I ask?

21:21 | Rance Roberts

i mean i guess i gotta say yes

███ ██████ | 21:21

Okay, so

D-9241, from the female block where you used to work.

What was your relationship with her?

21:21 | Rance Roberts

oh jesus

who put you up to this

███ ██████ | 21:21

Whoa there, it's a little early for that

I just need to know. You and I are friends, you can tell me anything.

21:21 | Rance Roberts

yeah right.

what kind of "anything"

I'm a fucking cell block guard, you'd better hope I don't get personal with anyone in an orange jumpsuit

no matter the setting

███ ██████ | 21:22

better hope eh

Listen, if you and here did anything with each other, I'll keep it secret.

*her

21:22 | Rance Roberts

Don't do this to me dude.

Is this about that thing

from several days or weeks ago or however long it was.

███ ██████ | 21:22

Where you bent her over an exam table with your ~pelvic area~ pressed up against her ass and freaked out when Gailey saw it? maybe

I mean that was pretty black-and-white to me. I saw the security feed.

21:23 | Rance Roberts

WE BOTH HAD CLOTHES ON.

███ ██████ | 21:23

i mean

dry sex is a thing

21:23 | Rance Roberts

What the actual hell is wrong with you

Christ alive

███ ██████ | 21:23

Look, D-9241 said she was uncomfortable with it and complained

and since it's on security feeds it's well

like i said

kinda black and white :|

21:24 | Rance Roberts

so you're taking the word of a D-CLASS over me

even when you literally have seen the security feeds

and it's really fucking obvious that that was a quick move

jesus, you saw what she was doing, right?

she was literally known around that block to be a total cunt at all times possible.

like, she resists literally everything

21:25 | Rance Roberts

she tried to sock me in the jaw that night

the fucking biology department needed a redhead between 20 and 30 or whatever the hell their reason was

for whatever fucking anomaly they needed to test on someone

I don't fucking know it since it's not my damn job

and she didn't want to go

and she resisted me trying to get her out of her cell

and you can- you can literally see her swing at me

21:26 | Rance Roberts

you can literally see it on the security feeds.

she swings at me, I dodge it, I put her hands behind her back, we scuffle, it ends up with me pinning her against the table

and literally all of this is on video.

if any of y'all interpreted that as sexual in the slightest, y'all're the perverts, not me.

███ ██████ | 21:26

Alright, slow down. Lordy.

21:27 | Rance Roberts

Don't you "lordy" me

this is an uncalled-for personal attack.

███ ██████ | 21:27

issue is in the words.

she says you muttered something in her ear

that's what gave it the context that people were concerned about

21:27 | Rance Roberts

Oh God above.

Humor me then.

███ ██████ | 21:28

Huh?

21:28 | Rance Roberts

Humor me then! What did I supposedly say?

███ ██████ | 21:28

Well, what DID you say?

21:28 | Rance Roberts

You expect me to remember? God, it's the same thing we all say to all of them, ffs

"if you cooperate, this will be easier"

or something

███ ██████ | 21:29

yyyyeah that's not what she heard. Close, though.

21:29 | Rance Roberts

Well that's fucking nice.

What am I accused of saying?

███ ██████ | 21:29

"If you don't cooperate, I'll be coming back later"

21:29 | Rance Roberts

ha wow

interesting.

the funny thing is that even if I HAD said that

which I DIDN'T

and you're going by the word of a D-CLASS on this

it like

that still isn't necessarily sexual.

like, that'd've been massively inappropriate, sure, but that's because we have rules on issuing unprofessional threats.

21:30 | Rance Roberts

like I can think of things anyone could've said there that would've crossed the sexual line

which I won't example here because a) you'll just screenshot this and send it around and b) there's no point but like

there are things I could have said there that were that type of inappropriate, and they're still not the thing she's claiming I said.

*make example of

21:31 | Rance Roberts

now can I know what I'm like

actually accused of?

i'm sorry but I find this all super sudden and uncalled for and honestly abhorrent

███ ██████ | 21:31

Sexual misconduct

It's based on a lot of other stuff that's known about you, too.

Actually I'm not supposed to be telling you this (no one sent me to ask you this shit, btw, this is just me talking so I might get in trouble idk) but Gailey knows about you and your girlfriend

21:32 | Rance Roberts

…Are you for real right now?

Are you literally like

am I literally under scrutiny for "sexual misconduct" because the fucking security director doesn't like BDSM

(and for some reason is snooping in my private life in order to gain this info?)

so because of that and because

I… put someone in a restraint position because she was trying to punch me in the jaw.

is that like

is that what's going on here.

Is that literally all the context here.

███ ██████ | 21:32

Well that and the erection

why did you have a boner if this wasn't sexual?

obvs not in the feeds but 9241 said you did and well

see previous comments about additional context

21:32 | Rance Roberts

dude I

what.

███, I DONT HAVE A DICK.

what the fuck

Christ alive.

███ ██████ | 21:32

You… wait, shit, what?

9241 said you

yeah.

21:32 | Rance Roberts

I shouldn't have to tell you what's between my legs to get you to lay off me, firstly. like who is the sexual harasser here, cause it ain't me.

And secondly, we all wear fucking tactical pants. For all I know she was feeling my belt buckle, or truncheon, or anything else on that goddamn 50-pound equipment belt.

███ ██████ | 21:32

I'm confused too now - I thought you were trans?

21:33 | Rance Roberts

I'm trans the other way around you fucking dipshit.

Why do you think I moved FROM the female department TO the male

I don't have a dick and 9241 is a liar grasping at straws because she can't deal with the fact that she's an ex-con having a shitty life.

███ ██████ | 21:33

God, fine

21:34 | Rance Roberts

k yeah wow

you can just stop there.

Keep calling yourself my friend if you want but friends don't interrogate friends about fake rape allegations so

have a nice night and fuck off.

RANCE ROBERTS HAS DISCONNECTED 21:34

And he looks at the emails.

˙sןıɐɯǝ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ sʞooן ǝɥ puɐ

And he looks at himself in the mirror.

˙ɹoɹɹıɯ ǝɥʇ uı ɟןǝsɯıɥ ʇɐ sʞooן ǝɥ puɐ

He has an alright facial shape, he thinks. It's better in the low lighting. Is that stubble? It might be stubble. He can't tell.

The office is hot. He takes his armored security vest off and drops it to the wooden floor with a muffled clack. Underneath it, he's just wearing his typical gray work shirt. Foundation logo on the sleeve. He doesn't like looking at it, for some reason, but he can't place why. He untucks his shirt from his pants and winces. He's too thin. He was always too thin. He takes his binder off with a heavy breath and lets his too-large breasts hang down and breathe. He takes his pants off. He tries to avoid looking between his legs. He turns around. He's still got an alright ass, he thinks, even though the rest of him is abhorrent.

He walks over to the desk and stands by it. He picks up a vial and a syringe and sits down on the musty couch by the window. He's wearing only his socks and boots and boxers. He must look funny. He always looks funny. He doesn't think it'll ever change.

He wipes his arm with a pad of rubbing alcohol and rubber-bands it. He's nervous. He puts the capped syringe and bottle back down on the table. He wants to calm down. He needs to calm down. He reaches for the spray-can of Class-As. He's never taken amnestics before. He doesn't know if it'll smell bad, or how close to his face he has to spray for it to work. The can is just a plain steel one with the typical compressed substance explosion and fire warning on the side. He exhales deeply, shakes it, extends his arm its full length away from his face, closes his eyes, and presses the nozzle. He can feel a thin mist hit his face. He takes as deep a breath in as he can; it's salty, almost. Salty and cold and artificial. It stings on his tongue and in his nostrils and down into his lungs where it burns.

He lies down on the couch, can in hand. How does it work? What is he supposed to forget? When will he forget? Of all the times he'd done this to other people during interrogations and security work, he still had no idea what it would do to him.

His mind wanders to thoughts of Jane. When he was young, only early 20s. When they'd both just been hired and had both just moved on-site. Site-42, where he might be now, but he can't quite recall. When he was happy and energetic and in love; when he took her to cheesy dinner dates in the cafeteria and drank hard cider with her every other night, when their sex was lively and using handcuffs was fun instead of a reminder of restraining people on the cell block, and wearing a strap-on felt like two lesbians enjoying each other instead of a man trying to have a penis he didn't have. When he felt normal. Before he was unhappy. Before he hated his job. Before he got slandered. Before he got fired.

He extends his arm again, sprays, and inhales. This time he tries to focus on how it feels: that subtle sensation of the chemical landing in freezing droplets on the interior surface of his lungs, the slight blurring of his vision, the heaviness of his head, the tingling of his skin.

When he realizes he doesn't know why he's in his office, he stumbles up and prepares the syringe and bottle again. When the needle pierces his vein, he doesn't wince. He just smiles. It's the only pleasure he's felt in weeks.

Anywhere from ten to thirty minutes later, he realizes his pager is buzzing. It's on the floor, in his pants pocket. He tries to stand, but he's met with a fuzzy, absent sensation in his legs. He can move his toes, but he can't get up. He can't swing his legs over the edge of the couch. He's freezing-cold, and his clothes are off. He knows that he's probably the one who took them off, but he doesn't know why they're off. He must have fallen asleep in his office.

12:00 midnight. That's what the wall clock says: 00:00. How long has he been asleep? He tries to lean over and grab his pager out of his pants, but as he bends his arm, he's met with a dull ache, and realizes there's a rubber band around his bicep and a puncture mark on his vein. His pulse thumps in his chest. He takes a deep breath and reaches for his pants, wincing. His vision is blurry, and he feels like he's about to vomit.

Why is he in his office?

¿ǝɔıɟɟo sıɥ uı ǝɥ sı ʎɥʍ

MISSED CALLS (3) FROM ADAM LEEWARD (DOUBLE-TAP TO SEE TIMES)

23:50 | Adam Leeward

Hey buddy. Give me a call when you have a chance.

Rance Roberts | 00:02

I don't think I can. I'm sick or something. My voice hurts. I'm a little scared - there's a needle mark on me and I don't know where it came from. I can't remember the number for security.

00:03 | Adam Leeward

Oh thank God you're there. How far in this chain can you upscroll?

Rance Roberts | 00:03

Just to your missed call notifications. Why?

00:03 | Adam Leeward

Alright, that'll have to do. I'm going to call your site's medical department, okay?

Rance Roberts | 00:04

wai t wjy

why

00:04 | Adam Leeward

You said yourself that you're sick. Trust me on this one.

Rance Roberts | 00:05

okay

i miss you

I miss you so much

00:05 | Adam Leeward

I miss you too. I'll have to visit you soon, if I can get off work.

Rance Roberts | 00:05

You coudl go here for work

could transfer sites

00:06 | Adam Leeward

We'll talk about it later. Just stay where you are until the meds get there, alright? Your office number is still A-432, right?

Rance Roberts | 00:07

i dont remember it

i dont feel well

00:07 | Adam Leeward

Just sit tight for ten or fifteen. Don't go anywhere.

Rance Roberts | 00:07

ok

Twelve minutes later, there's a knock on his door.

"I- I can't get up," he calls out in a rasping voice. "I'm sick-"

The door handle jiggles for several seconds before it gives way and opens. Rance doesn't respond. It's two doctors and a man he doesn't recognize. "I'm disappointed," the man says, much to his confusion. The other two shush him in hushed tones, and he leaves the room with a grumble.

"What- what happened? What's wrong?" Rance asks, eyes wide and looking for the man. "Why did he say-"

"Don't talk. Just keep your head down and your heart rate down. That's what we need to do here, okay?" one of the doctors says. Rance nods and winces as they move him to a stretcher.

The journey down into the medical wing is obscured by the piece of cloth one of the doctors put over his face. He assumes it's to protect his eyes from the brightness, but it just makes him feel scared and confused. When they take it off, it feels like it's been hours, and he winces at the sterile white lighting of the room. To his surprise, there's someone in his room. It's the same man from earlier.

"Hey," Joy says, glowering.

Rance wraps the bed covers around himself instinctively. "W-why are you here? Who are you? Do you know what happened?"

Joy scoffs. "If I told you what happened, it would burst your bubble. And you already forgot me. Impressive. I'm a little offended, I must say."

"W-what is that supposed to mean-"

They're interrupted by someone at the door. "Mr. Rice, please do not converse with him if he doesn't want it right now. We can explain everything later. Health needs to come first."

Rance looks over at the nurse. "Wait, can you- can you explain what's wrong? Why don't I remember anything?"

The nurse sits down in one of the chairs by his bed, clipboard in hand. "You self-amnesticized, and rather dangerously at that. To tell you any further would go against your own wishes, but please note that theft and unlawful ingestion of amnestics is prosecuted as a drug use charge in this organization. Were you aware of that, Mr. Roberts?"

"H- how- where's the proof?"

"The proof is in your symptoms and the presence of the substances at the scene of your retrieval."

He stares blankly, not daring to shoot a glance over at Joy. "I- who the hell told you, then?"

"We received a call from Adam Leeward indicating that you had paged him about being dangerously sick. You didn't object to medical attendance."

"Adam told you? Wait, I- if I did that, then how do you all know?"

"I don't follow-"

Joy interrupts her. "Rance here was unhappy about some things going on in his life."

"I wouldn't have done that. I don't just try to-" He laughs. "…Forget my problems. I'm sure I wouldn't. This had to be foul play."

The nurse bites her lip and writes on the clipboard.

Rance feels anger rising in him as he stares blankly ahead. "Who-" He clenches his fists. "Was it you?" He looks over at Joy. "I don't know you, you know, and you were snapping at me for no reason earlier in the office. Don't think I'm dumb, I see the way you look at me-"

"Oh Christ," Joy says, standing out of his chair. He looks at the nurse and clears his throat. "Uh, I'll be in the hallway. If I'm needed."

She nods and keeps writing. "You'll be briefed on what this means for your position and status in several hours. For now, rest. Sleep if you can. Ring the bell if you need one of the personnel to attend to you." She turns the lights off.

"…So you're just gonna keep me here? What the hell is this about?"

No one answers. He takes out his pager.

˙ɹǝbɐd sıɥ ʇno sǝʞɐʇ ǝɥ ˙sɹǝʍsuɐ ǝuo ou

Rance Roberts | 00:39

help

are you there

00:40 | Adam Leeward

I'm here.

Rance Roberts | 00:40

i'm in the fucking hospital

medical wing whatever you call t

can you tell me- do you know what the fukc happened

00:40 | Adam Leeward

Rance, you don't actually want to know. That's why you amnesticized yourself to begin with. I tried to stop you from doing it, both for legal and health reasons. I'm sorry.

Rance Roberts | 00:40

wait what

I did this to myself?

I can't've

i hate this

Rance Roberts | 00:41

i didnt do this.

theres just no way.

00:41 | Adam Leeward

…You've got me between a rock and a hard place here.

I don't know what you want me to do or say

Rance Roberts | 00:41

god just help me

get me out of here

come fly here or something i know you always offer

00:42 | Adam Leeward

I'll try. I don't think i can get off work for at least another week.

I'm this skip's only qualified containment specialist

Rance Roberts | 00:42

ughhh fuck

00:42 | Adam Leeward

Just try to keep yourself calm.

Rance Roberts | 00:42

theyre asking me to hand them my pager

like right now

00:42 | Adam Leeward

Just do what they say, please.

Rance Roberts | 00:42

im sorry for whatever I did

i care about you so much

goodbye

"I'm just saying I don't understand anything that's going on here. You're costing me my job because of- what, me being sick?"

"Sir, the evidence in your office was quite clear." The doctor sighs lowly and takes a seat. "If you just cooperate, this will be easier."

Rance sits upright in bed. There's something about that phrasing that makes him shudder.

"You're really better-off resting. I'm just here to monitor your readings."

"I don't need 'monitoring'. I'm not a skip."

"You are a patient, and you're in danger until the amnestics fully leave your body. You're on testosterone and antidepressants, correct?"

"…I'm on testosterone?"

The doctor looks at his clipboard concernedly. "You started hormone therapy in this site's medical wing on September 12th, 2016. Do you not recall this?"

He looks down at his body. It looks almost the same, if a little flatter. He hasn't looked at his face yet. "I mean, I- I don't remember."

"What's your name, then?"

"It's… Roberts."

"First name?"

"…Alice?"

"There's your problem," the doctor says under his breath. "Listen to me. Are you comfortable talking about this right now?"

His heart rate increases, and he sees it on the monitor by the bed. He swallows nervously. "I guess."

"You amnesticized yourself with an extremely dangerous and potent experimental amnestic. There is a reason that only D-classes are permitted to use Type Three Class C. It takes a month off your memory, and a month is the safest we can go back with just one bottle of one substance. Does that make sense? If we wanted to take a month off your memory, the safe way would be a four-step two-day process with total medical supervision and sedation. But you did it by sticking a needle in your arm."

He stares blankly.

"Does this make sense to you?"

"So I- I forgot a month."

"Yes."

"There's stuff that happened in a month… and I forgot it all."

"Correct."

"…On purpose."

"You did it to yourself. This is proven in both communication records and situational evidence."

"Well- why?"

The doctor adjusts himself in his chair and sets his clipboard down. "We don't know. But if you did it, you must have had a good reason."

"Something must've happened that I wanted to forget," he mutters. "Do you know what it is?"

"That's the question, Mr. Roberts. The situation proves that you didn't want yourself to know what it was."

He touches his stomach and arms under the covers. He's hairy. He must not have shaved recently. "So during this month- I started hormone therapy?"

"You cited your desire to transition to male, yes."

"And my name- is still Alice?" He winces.

"No, it's Rance. You had your name legally changed to Rance Roberts on September 17th, 2016."

"Fuck. Why would I have wanted to forget that? Why would I have-"

"I'm not insinuating nor attempting to insinuate that your gender transition period is the event you were trying to forget. Clearly it's a positive thing for you. Unfortunately, it was in the time period that you decided to wipe out. We offer counseling for accidental erasure of memories-"

"I don't care about counseling. I just need to think." He puts his head in his hands, desperate to know why he would have done this to himself.

"I can monitor your vitals remotely if you're more comfortable with that. You need to sleep, frankly."

"Sure," Rance mutters, gripping the bedsheets with white knuckles. His stomach is churning. His head is pounding. Every breath feels like an electric shock.

The doctor leaves, closing the door and turning the lights off again. He knows that, when he wakes, people he can't remember will be trying to fire him for theft of amnestics.

Rance falls into a dreamless, angry sleep; as he closes his eyes, he realizes achingly that he wouldn't be opposed to never opening them again.

And more than anything, he wishes he could remember.