The Dangers of Dating a Tyrannical God (or: How I Managed to Save the World Through Romance Alone) - SCP Foundation

SYTYCFanon

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“Hey, Astro!” Felix shook his compatriot awake. “You need to see this!” He couldn’t look into his partner’s eyes due to his helmet but imagined they were groggy as he stumbled up into the basket of their ship.

“Did we make it?” The galaxy-trotting hero known as the Astroneer said in a lower register than his usual proud exclamations.

“Y-yeah, these are the coordinates of that planet-killer we were given.”

The Astroneer surveyed their surroundings, they had arrived in a landing bay of some sort.

“You managed to battle your way inside of the ship? Good going, Felix!” He patted Felix on the shoulder. “I’m sure it was a mighty battle, wish I wasn’t such a hard sleeper.”

“A-actually Astro, the ship opened its docking bay for us. The shape is certainly peculiar.” Felix pressed a spot in the thin air in front of them, activating their Hot Air Balloon’s holographic interfaces. Felix proceeded to open up the scans he took of the ship they’d entered. The general shape of the ship resembled an old earth Zeppelin.

“It’s strangely similar to your crush’s ship.”

“But it’s not hers?” The Astroneer said dejectedly.

“Well you wouldn’t want your future girlfriend to be a planet-killer would you?” Felix laughed.

“I mean… that would be cool, all the deaths aside.”

Felix sighed. “Never change, Astro. Anyways, should we get a move on? I don’t want to die before we disembark.”

“Agreed! Onwards to adventure!” The Astroneer hopped out of the basket with Felix in tow as the two headed towards the large doors at the end of the bay.

To their surprise, the doors opened, which revealed a feminine figure in a purple astronaut suit.

The Astroneer’s knees immediately began to buckle and his HUD began flashing a high blood pressure and heart rate warning. Felix looked nervously at his companion and wondered if he’d need to prepare a few stims from his satchel.

Putting aside his nervousness, the Astroneer ran a quick scan of the figure in front of them. His suit’s AI was able to deduce that this wasn’t the being's true form, but rather one it took based on his desires.

“Welcome. You must be the hero I’ve read so much about. You are the Astroneer, yes? All of you Mortals tend to look alike; although, you have better eyebrows.” Her voice echoed from her foreboding helmet through which light couldn't penetrate.

“I am the Astroneer, you fou—, uhhh, less than savory villain.” The Astroneer’s proud voice buckled slightly under the weight of his chronic fear of women. He couldn’t even bring himself to insult someone responsible for the deaths of billions because her outfit was one of the sexiest things he’d seen.

“That means you must be Felix. I’ve read many of your stories and I have to say I’m a fan. It’s the whole reason I invited you here.”

“Invited? My lady, you must be mistaken! Me and my trusty sidekick accepted a quest to vanquish the evil responsible for the destruction of Minos IV. We would never willingly walk into such a trap!”

“Except, I was the one who put that request on the bounty board. That planet was chosen based on its proximity to where you operate.”

“And who are you to judge a whole species? What gives you the right?” The Astroneer asked.

“Call me the Judge, it's the closest approximation of my name in your language. Follow me and all will be explained.”

She turned and walked away from the pair who paused and then followed suit.

“So… what are you exactly?” The Astroneer asked.

“I’m a weapon.” The Judge said matter of factly as the next set of doors opened into the cockpit. “Brought to life from forces beyond this universe by sorcery bound in a number most thought to only be a myth.”

With a snap of the Judge’s fingers, both Felix and the Astroneer felt their stomachs lurch. Astroneer didnt need his HUD warning him of sudden hume fluctuation to know that reality had shifted. But where had she taken them?

The shudders to the windows then opened. Felix gasped as he saw the planetary remains of Minos floating before them.

“My purpose is to judge the species of this wretched universe to see if any of them are worthy of preservation. My creator's presence would destabilize this universe, trillions upon trillions won’t survive their arrival. So I am to trim the herd looking for ones free of the capabilty for cruelty.”

“And the Minoans? Why did they deserve to have their story cut short?” Felix gulped.

“I brought one of them before me to plead for their species survival but I found their reasoning to be inadequate.” The Judge turned to look back at them.

“The Minoans ritually sacrificed their people. Any species capable of such atrocity doesn’t deserve a chance to be with us.”

“B-but the victims themselves? Surely they…” The Astroneer pulled up the population numbers of Minos IV onto his HUD and clenched his fist.

“It is regrettable. However, their species showed a penchant for depravity. It wasn’t the only heinous act committed by their people. I didn’t find them worth redemption.”

“So who would you have me judge? You’ve come to put my world on trial? I doubt you could find it, not even Felix has seen it.”

“True. That is why…” The Judge snapped her fingers and reality shifted once more.

They now now found themselves in the orbit of a planet adorned with bright blue seas.

“No… you monster!” Felix drew his laser pistol.

“-If you're the hero that I’ve read so much about then you should have no problem convincing me why I shouldn’t annihilate Homo sapiens from this galaxy.”

“Words aren't gonna get us anywhere Astro! My momdo's down there.” Felix usually never advocated for the violent way out but his gut told him the Judge could not be trusted. He drew his weapon and fired a bolt at their adversary.

The Judge didn't even flinch as she scattered the photons comprising the bolt into a bright red harmless flash. She made a slight movement with her fingers which transmuted and reassembled the weapon into a pen and paper.

“I'll ignore that little provocation because I enjoy your stories, Felix. I'll want you to keep a record of this, it's the least I can do if I end up eradicating your species. Now I'll ask one more time.”

“I accept your challenge.” The Astroneer proclaimed.

“Astro… I hope you know what you're doing…”

“Now, Astroneer. To start, you must answer for the atrocities perpetrated by your so-called friends, the SCP—.”

The Astroneer took a deep breath and thought, She’s the enemy, even though she resembles her. Keep your cool and show her there's more to the course she’s on now.

“What do you think of Planet Earth?” The Astroneer asked, causing The Judge to pause.

She tilted her head in confusion at him. “What do I make of this planet? It’s… ehhhh.” She scratched her helmet. “It’s greener than Minos was, that’s for sure.”

“I don’t think you’re really seeing it.” The Astroneer pressed a few buttons on the device strapped to his wrist, and suddenly, he and the Judge were standing atop a snowy peak.

“Huh? How did you—”

“My suit deduced you tailored your ship and form to what I want to see most. So I forwarded a memetic image of Mt. Fuji to your HUD and I thought about it real hard. Now we’re here.”

“I don’t have time to play your mind games. Need I remind you that I can shatter this mountain with a thought?”

“Whoa, slow your roll there Judge. I do have a point here.” The Astroneer gestured towards the surrounding landscape. “Tell me what you see.”

The Judge shook her head, looking down at her feet. “Snow?” She raised her head and looked into the distance at the plant life. “There’s also a lot of greens, reds, and pinks.”

OK, Astro. So far so good. Think of it as practice for the real thing. We know what she thinks of our favorite planet, now for another icebreaker…

“Do you have a favorite color?” Astroneer pointed to his suit. “Mine’s always been orange and this happens to be the only planet with oranges… funnily enough.”

“A favorite color? I… uh… never really thought about it. I spent most of my existence drifting through the farthest reaches of space. There's no color out there.”

“Then now’s the time to pick one! Come on now, you’ve been alive for how many millennia?”

“Too many to count.”

“Then what’s a few more minutes? The human race isn’t going anywhere.”

“Tch.” The Judge looked at the Astroneer for a moment before turning back towards the landscape. She looked about briefly before pointing at a cherry blossom tree.

“I… like that one. You don’t often see pinks like that in space.”

“Why don’t you make your suit that color then? Or your visor? Purple doesn’t suit you like it does the Zeppelin pilot.”

“Why does the color of my outfit matter? This form is only temporary.”

“But shouldn’t it fit your identity? It’s the whole point of fashion! It’s to put the real you on display, to make yourself more comfortable. If I can’t view your true form with my three-dimensional vision, perhaps you can show an aspect of it in a form I can see.”

His words made sense to the Judge but being comfortable was never something she considered. Worldly things such as the color of clothes were never a concern but now…

The Judge’s suit instantly morphed into the color of the blossom and she began to admire how it looked on herself. “I do feel better now that I’m out of the garish purple. Your crush has a terrible taste. Now back to what I was trying to ask—”

“—-about where we should go for food.” The Astroneer said and the pair suddenly found themselves seated at a table in an empty shop with two bowls of steaming hot noodles in front of them.

“No! Stop this!” The Judge pointed at the Astroneer. “How are you doing this?”

The Astroneer replied by casually slurping the noodles into his helmet. “I picked up a trick or two from the memesmiths of Klixon III. I would never have thought an extradimensional being would be susceptible to a little suggestion.”

“Th-that’s because you got me flustered… oh!” She stomped her foot. “I should do away with the human race right now! You aren’t following the rules!”

“Yes, I am. You asked me to make a case for the human race, correct?”

The Judge crossed her arms. “I did.”

“I’m in the middle of it, but you keep interrupting me. Now are you going to try your food?”

“Food? I don’t need to eat. I’m a carefully crafted extradimensional weapon.”

The Judge’s stomach answered in kind.

“But you took a mortal form. It needs food.” He poked her bowl with his chopsticks. “Try it.”

“And let you poison me? I’m not as stupid as you made me look.”

“It’s not good courtesy to poison your d—, um. Guest, when you prepare them food. Thought you were an all-powerful extradimensional weapon. Afraid of a little food?”

Amongst the new feelings the Judge was grappling with, embarrassment was a new one. If he could see her cheeks they’d be bright red. He made her look like a fool worrying about poison when her mortal form was just a ruse.

She picked up the chopsticks and took a single noodle to her helmet. She slurped up the starchy food stuff and savored it for a moment before attacking her bowl like a rabid dog.

“Whoa there, slow down! You can choke y’know.”

The Judge spoke through rabid slurps. “In my… millions of years of life… I’ve never tasted anything! This… is…”

“Delicious?”

“Mmmm, yes! But I don’t see how this makes a case for humanity. 5,639,096 planets have carbohydrates on them. Earth is no different.”

“Humans call this hospitality. I’m making a case for them by showing you what it truly means to have a human experience. Their humanity if you will.”

“I don’t understand. Are you saying having a meal with someone or gazing upon landscapes is human-exclusive? Preposterous.”

“Well no, but this is one of the pillars of the mortal experience. I think it's best to try to reason with you rather than fight you.”

“But isn’t that what you do? You’re a famous galactic hero, I would have thought you would have gone guns blazing the moment you saw me.”

“And what would that have achieved? Trust me I wouldn’t have taken Earth’s destruction lightly but our fight would have made every star gone dark by the time there was a winner.”

The Judge laughed. “That assumes you could even last five minutes with me.”

“I’ve lasted longer against mightier foes.” The Astroneer said, oblivious to any potential double entendre.

“Hmm, you’ve piqued my interest in this “humanity” you speak of. I’ll let you continue unless I get bored and then…” She popped her lips and the Astroneer inferred what she meant.

“I’ll circle back around to your original question. I don’t condone everything the SCP Foundation does. They’ve done horrific things in the name of normalcy but… the billions of people who live on this planet owe them their lives to the horrors they’ve managed to keep at bay.”

“That doesn’t justify any of it! If you have to do something horrible to save your planet it was never worth saving in the first place! The Earth has you. You could free all of their prisoners, and keep the planet safe from whatever threatens it.”

“It is not my place to enforce my will wherever I go. Humanity has the right of self-determination, just like all beings should.”

“And what if they don’t know what’s good for them? What purpose does a species have to exist if they repeatedly make the same mistakes?”

“Because life is cyclical! You speak of giving them another path but you only bring death.”

“It’s a mercy! They’re going to die anyway when my creators arrive. I…” For the first time, The Judge’s voice wavered in her conviction. “I’m giving them mercy.”

“Mercy would be sparing them from their deaths.” The Astroneer closed his eyes and gritted his teeth before standing up from the table.

“Walk with me.” He said, and then their surroundings shifted once more.

The pair found themselves in a grassy field in the middle of a large open plain. A large ring of stone structures awaited them.

“Where are we?” The Judge asked as she took in the fresh cool air, finding it strangely soothing.

“Humans call this Stonehenge. Its origins have been debated for centuries but in reality, it’s a landing zone made by my craft. Come on, I’ll show you.” He extended a hand but was immediately rebuffed.

“You’ve wasted enough of my time, Astroneer. I don’t care about any damn rocks!” Her voice boomed louder than before and the ground beneath them began to quake.

“There is a point to all of this. Those rocks are a reminder of my purpose in life. The very thing that keeps you reading Felix’s stories.”

“They were just distractions. Something to stop me from going insane while I slowly formed in this unforgiving universe.”

The plain around them was starting to split but the Astroneer didn’t waver.

“No, I don’t believe that. I think the call to adventure interested you. You want to see something more than the cold unforgiving space right? I did too.” He extended his hand again. “You don’t have to be alone, there’s more to this life than taking it.”

The Judge was trembling with rage, her precise control of the world around her was slipping. She could feel the Earth down to its core and was fighting to stop herself from popping it like a walnut. The Astroneer did have a point. What did this planet have in store for her? There was only one way to find out.

The ground slowly stopped rumbling and the cracks began to heal. The Judge took the Astroneer’s hand and followed him into the circle.

“When I landed here this land was nothing but swamps with creatures and peoples that have long since been forgotten. But I remember them. They all live within me, even if no one else will hear their stories.”

With their mental connection, the Judge could see his memories. The feeling of cold muck on his boots from protecting some ancient tribe from a monster. It finally clicked for her then. “That’s why you sought out Felix. To have someone to tell your story. You didn’t want anyone to forget about you.” The Judge nodded, her mind drifting to how her story would be perceived.

“The path I take is a dangerous one. I’m likely to die alone, fighting in some barren world far from home. Maybe the local people build a monument to me but I’d be lost to time eventually on the grand scale.” The Astroneer paused before continuing. “Felix’s stories ensure I’ll be remembered.”

“And the peoples of this universe, what’s left of them. How do you think they’ll view me?”

The Astroneer turned to look the Judge in the eye, his palms sweaty and arm tensed. It was taking every fiber of his being not to freak out about her holding her hand. “You’ll be a harbinger of death, a galactic boogeyman. They won’t thank you for sparing them. Certainly won’t clean up their acts to avoid your wrath either.”

“I don’t care if they're grateful. Some will be alive and my purpose will be fulfilled.”

“Then what? What happens when you’ve outlived your usefulness to your masters? They won’t keep someone as dangerous as you for long.”

“You don’t know that!” The Judge snapped accusatorily.

“Even if they don’t what will you do then? Judge, please. I’m imploring you to see that there is more to life than your original directive. Everything we’ve done today has been to show you what you have been stripping away from countless beings.”

“I… I HATE THE WAY YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL!” The Judge broke the Astroneer’s grip and stormed off into the center of Stonehenge. Her mortal body’s emotions were hitting her all at once. Stress, fear, and uncertainty were just the tip of the iceberg of a cavalcade of physical and emotional reactions she had no clue on how to deal with.

“This was easier when things were binary.” She stuck out both hands and made a weighing motion with each. “Good actions and bad actions. Nothing in between. No lives to worry about or future or…” She fell to her knees. “All of those planets… is this… guilt?” The Judge turned to the Astroneer.

“HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO LIVE WITH THIS GUILT?”

“You can pledge to be better, that’s all I can offer. You may not be able to reverse the things you’ve done but you can protect the ones who are still here.”

“Or I could consign myself back to the void again. Where nobody can use my abilities for their plots.”

“Come on Judge. I didn’t show you all of this for you to punish yourself like that.” The Astroneer extended his hand.

“I did this so you could live. You can be free to take in all that life has to offer, there’s more to existence than being a weapon. You just have to spare Earth.”

The Judge stared up at the Astroneer as a fierce debate rolled through her thoughts. She could push all of these pesky human emotions aside, vaporize the Earth along with its two defenders, and move on to the next world.

Or she could take his hand and walk a road of atonement. She didn’t understand his infectious optimism and unyielding hope. He knew her masters were coming… right? They’d certainly destroy him along with all things in this universe when they arrived but yet… he hadn’t given up?

The Astroneer was an enigma, one that she hadn’t figured out. But he seemed to have the answers so she took his hand to the future and they were back on the facsimile of the Zeppelin.

“Where did y’all go?” Felix asked, notepad in hand.

“Oh, I gave the Judge, the ol’ Earth tour! Ain’t that right?”

“Y-yes.” The judge felt something low in her belly. “That was a date… right?”

The Astroneer started to feel lightheaded. “N-no. No. No. That was not–-”

“The hand-holding and the dinner… those are human courtship rituals are they not?” The Judge’s eyes looked at the Astroneer with curiosity

“YOU HELD HER HAND???” Felix exclaimed.

“I grasped it to guide her.” The Astroneer deflected.

“You wanted me to know what it felt like to be courted. This “Human experience” is full of interesting things. Is that why you wanted me to look the way I do? Perhaps you wanted to see if you could court your Zeppelin pilot.”

The Astroneer’s voice caught in his throat. He didn’t know what to say.

“Well… I wish you luck with it and I’d want to thank you for opening my mind up.” The Judge then gave the Astroneer a peck on the helmet. As their visors clinked, the Astroneer fell back on the steel floor like a ton of bricks.

“Astro!” Felix came running and pulled the Astroneer up by his shoulders. He was incredibly confused as to how they went from standing off against a hostile reality warper to trying to date her.

“So where does my planet stand then? And as for your crimes…”

“Humanity is free to live another day as are the rest of the sentient races. As for me, nothing I could do would make up for the countless lives extinguished by my hand. I'll have to carry that guilt for the rest of my existence. The Astroneer thought that was punishment enough. It's not like you would be able to throw me in a cell. ”

“Wouldnt want to end up like my gun.” Felix cracked a nervous smile. " 'sides I reckon that what ol' Astro would wanted. He was never one for capital punishment. If he's letting you go, what will you do?"

“I’m going to finally live Felix, something I should have done along time ago. I was wrong to judge mortal life forms without having any idea of their experiences. I think I’ll start by finding more of this form of… stringy starch that the Astroneer introduced me to.”

“Noodles?”

“Noodles. It's a funny word. Yes, I would like more Noodles.”

“I wish you good fortune with your noodles ma’am.” Felix began hauling the Astroneer’s comatose body back to their hot air balloon. He knew the Astroneer would want this part left out of the dramatization of this adventure but he would fight to keep it.

After all, how many heroes saved the Earth through romance alone?