He Who Laughs Last - SCP Foundation

"You will face the camera and smile at the children if you know what is good for you," threatened Bobble to his prisoner. His smile and voice were as calm as could be, like this was therapeutic for him.

Mr. Laugh was not amused. He was reading the newspaper and pointedly ignoring the other clown. No one in the bar seemed to care about the two of them.

"You know what is actually good for me? Vodka. Lots of it."

Bobble laughed with sinister tranquility. "Real clowns drink Milk! You will do as I say or I will turn on the maximum tickle machine!" Sounds of electric arcs could be heard in the background.

"Anything but that, I yield," replied Mr. Laugh without a hint of enthusiasm or dread. "But if I am the last one standing by the end of this, you will let me go."

Bobble had to hold back a hearty chuckle despite himself. This guy was not too shabby at jokes. "Do you really think you can beat me?"

"I don't. I am mostly thinking about how much I hate Milk. Let's get this over with."

"Where's your sense of spectacle, my friend? It's very unprofessional of you."

"You'll see soon enough."

Bobble ordered two glasses of Milk and assumed his most child friendly tone. "Hello, kids! Today we're going to learn about two fun activities called irresponsible drinking and getting into fights!"

"Kids don't really need you to teach them that, you know. No wonder your show is doing so bad."

Bobble gave Mr. Laugh a death glare but resumed his composure. "See, kids, it's really simple. Just get your hands on some fake IDs, go to a bar and drink until your inhibitions go away! Then insult the scariest looking person there and beat the daylights out of them with a concealed weapon! Bonus points for property damage, theft and escaping from the authorities!"

"Bold of you to assume kids are smart enough to fool the police."

"Be quiet! You're my prisoner, not my Straight Man!" said Bobble through an unwilling snicker.

"You better start drinking, then."

Bobble frowned and downed his glass of Milk, with a satisfied sigh. So did Mr. Laugh, with a very loud groan.

People typed on their cellphones and chatted. Waiters walked around and served drinks. The TV showed a man being mauled by an escaped tiger at a zoo in front of his family, all laughing together as he dies.

Bobble sneered at the show being displayed. "Amateurs. It's nothing but shock value with them."

"I wonder where I've seen that before…"

Bobble's face twisted uncomfortably as he fought back a belly laugh. Mr. Laugh sang Dick Van Dyke's "Put On A Happy Face" in his Eeyore voice. Two more glasses.

"Hey, wanna see a magic trick?" asked Bobble.

"You already did one. You made your audience disappear."

"Shut up. Look closely, I'm gonna make this pencil vanish…"

"I'll do you one better." Mr. Laugh pulled out his own pencil, and just shoved it into his nose. The pencil was sharpened to a stub instantly and shavings came pouring out of Mr. Laugh's ears. The poor Little Mister winced in pain as he performed his trick, and Bobble could not stop himself from guffawing.

"You won't make me laugh again!" hissed Bobble.

"I don't know about you, but I have a pretty sharp sense of humor," replied Mr. Laugh as he put down the pointy stub.

Bobble grit his teeth and grumbled. Mr. Laugh played some crossword puzzles. Two more glasses.

"Hey, you have very pretty hair," complimented Bobble, with a doofus smile forming on his face.

"Excuse me?"

"I said you have nice flair!"

"Sure…"

"So, kids, as I was saying you gotta insult the scariest looking person in the bar…"

"How about that one?" said Mr. Laugh, pointing to a huge and massively scarred biker.

"Piece of cake!" Bobble sauntered up to the biker and insulted his mother. No response. He insulted his gang. No response. He insulted his mustache.

A cacophony of violence and panicked screams erupts from off-camera. Bobble returns after a solid minute, with bruises covering his face. He spat out a tooth and sat back down, trembling in agony.

"You know what is the bright side of this?" asked Mr. Laugh.

"WHAT?"

"Your makeup actually looks good now."

"Fuck you!"

"We'll see about that, darling."

Bobble's eyes widened in surprise and his smile made him look like a wolf. This was getting interesting, he liked it when they struggled. Maybe he'd get his way this time. Mr. Laugh played with a yo-yo and gave no signs of being even tipsy. Two more glasses.

"He…hey (burp). Hellooooo handsome! Do you wanna see some balloon animals?" flirted Bobble.

"What are you talking about? I already see an animal with a head full of air right in front of me," replied Mr. Laugh with the exact same deadpan tone.

Bobble cackled wildly. "You're such a (BURP) joker!"

"I don't think I've ever killed anyone, though. Unless it was from laughter. That happens sometimes…"

Bobble unleashed a shriek of unbridled joy. "Damn straight, man!"

"I thought I wasn't your Straight Man."

Bobble just kept on laughing, forgetting entirely about his audience and staring at his prisoner ever more hungrily. Mr. Laugh did origami with the newspaper. Two more glasses.

"So what is this episode about, again?" asked Mr. Laugh in a mocking tone.

"Isss for da kiddies to learn about (BUUUUURRRRP) MIME CRIME TIME!"

"I think you're having an existential crisis. But that is honestly the least of your problems. Should I call a psychologist?" said Mr. Laugh, completely serious and sober.

"No, my sweetheart. The only treatment I need is your cream pie…"

"OK. Come closer, you bad boy…"

Bobble leaned in for a kiss and was immediately hit with a pie in the face. He roared in frustration and hysterical laughter before lunging forward to strangle Mr. Laugh. However, he was far too drunk to actually cause any harm, and just vomited all over the place. Try as he might, he just kept slipping on his own vomit and making the mess worse. The Little Mister reached into his mouth to pull out something as this happened, and eventually helped Bobble get up.

"We're so alike, you and I…but do you know what makes me different?" whispered Mr. Laugh into Bobble's ear.

"Wussat?"

Mr. Laugh strangled Bobble with a length of colored handkerchiefs. The TV played the jolly and distorted ending theme of Laugh Is Fun as Bobble released his last agonizing cackles. Mr. Laugh ordered a lot of vodka, paid for the drinks and turned to the camera.

"I don't fuck around when clowning around."