A Collection of Anomalous Television Programs From Beyond the Masquerade - SCP Foundation

Channel Guide

Television. For the Anomalous, by the Anomalous.

The breaking of the veil has led to many opportunities for anomalous individuals to create works of television without fear of containment by us or any other organization. With that being said it's still imperative that we monitor and document these programs for anything that could possibly cause harm to the general public.

The document you see before you contains a collection of excerpts of televised programs and advertisements created by anomalous groups and individuals that have been documented by our department. When adding a new addition to the system please follow the provided format.

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**[SHOW TITLE]**

**Season [#] Episode [#]**

[[/=]]

**Title:** [Episode title]

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**[NAME]:** [WHAT IS SAID]

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Best of luck.

— Dr. Elizabeth Stalworth

Site-584, Anomalous Media Specialist

Law and Order: Unusual Incidents Unit

Season 2 Episode 5

Title: Through the Fire and the Flames

Wyatt Harper: We found some materials nearby. Sulfur, chalk, and a small vial of blood.

Deana Coiter: [Exhaling smoke] Then there's no doubt in my mind… the murder's thaumaturgical in nature.

Wyatt Harper: Pyrokinesis, the poor bastard was burned from the inside out… Jesus.

Deana Coiter: [flicking the cigarette to the side] Well, guess you can say he had one hell of a heartburn.

[Both remain silent for several seconds]

Wyatt Harper: A man is dead. What the fuck is wrong with you?

FACTORY COMMERCIAL

Season 25 Episode 137

Title: [COGNITOHAZARD REDACTED]

Unknown: YOU TRUST THE FACTORY!

Unknown: YOU LOVE THE FACTORY!

Unknown: YOU WILL PURCHASE FROM THE FACTORY!

Unknown: OSHA IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED!

Unknown: YOU. LOVE. THE. FACTORY!

Unknown: THE FACTORY IS KIND!

Unknown: THE FACTORY IS ETHICAL!

Unknown: BUY TODAY!

Ambrose Commercial

Season 1 Episode 45

Title: The best Unicorn Burger® of your local universe! (Feat. Gordon Ramsay)

Chaz Ambrose: Hi, Chaz Ambrose here. Have you heard the news? The delicious Unicorn Burger® is now only for 10.99 at your local Ambrose restaurant® extradimensional port of call! Can you tell me, famous cooker Gordon Ramsay, how much you love the Unicorn Burger®?

[Camera shows Gordon Ramsay eating the Unicorn Burger]

Gordon Ramsay: Tasty, juicy, colourful, magical. Just overall fucking delicious. I've got nothing else to say.

Chaz Ambrose: Thank you, Gordon. And you, what are you waiting for? You can come with your friends, families, doppelgangers or even your love interest! [laugh] Don't be shy, we will wait for you!

[Screen shows Gordon Ramsay and Chaz Ambrose on a grassy plain seen from above.]

Gordon Ramsay/Chaz Amrose: No matter who you are, you have our word that you'll find something to suit your tastes!

[Screen fades to the logo of Ambrose Restaurant with the following text below it]

Ambrose restaurant®

Currently opened in most extradimensional port of call!

Call us at +1████ ███ ███ today for a reservation!

Warning: Food served may contain peanuts, tree nuts, eye nuts, soy, cow milk, clown milk.

Ambrose restaurant is not responsible for any anomalous hazard on the food served.

Greazeburger Promotional Commercial

[Several identical figures are seen chanting at the camera, identified by nametags.]

Chester Greaze: Come on down!

Various Chanters1: WHERE THE PRICE IS RIGHT

Chester Greaze: Come on down!

Various Chanters: WHERE OUR LORD BRINGS LIGHT

Chester Greaze: COME ON DOWN!

Various Chanters: TO OUR LORD THE GREAZE, THE BIRTH OF THESE…

Chester Greaze: PRICES SO GREAT THAT YOU'LL FALL TO YOUR KNEES!

[Several stage-lights illuminate, revealing an orchestra who subsequently begin playing a fast-tempo musical number.]

Chester Greaze: WHAT DO YOU GET AT THE GREAZEBURGER STORE?

Various Chanters: GOOD PRICES, RAD DEALS, GREAT PRODUCTS AND MORE!

Chester Greaze: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN WE KNOCK AT THE DOOR?

Various Chanters: OFFER UP YOUR WALLET AND BOW DOWN ON THE FLOOR!

Chester Greaze: YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Various Chanters: GREAZEBURGER! GREAZEBURGER!

Chester Greaze: GREAZEBURGER!

[Chester Greaze leaps towards the camera, and stumbles. His face impacts into the camera, causing it to crash to the floor.]

Chester Greaze: Oh fuck.

[The commercial ends.]

SPC Medication Advertisement

Season 3 Episode 5

Title: Selacho-clear

Narrator: If you or a loved one was diagnosed with being a selachian supporter, there may be a support plan ready for you.

[The screen cuts to a woman walking through a park.]

Woman: Selacho-clear was prescribed to me by my doctor when I was going through tough times. Within an instant of taking it, I knew I made the right choice. I was feeling clear-minded of selachian-supporting thoughts. I was able to get my life back, and now, I’m a full member of the Selachian Punching Center!

[The screen cuts to a feed of children playing in a park.]

Narrator: Side effects may include headache, nausea, diarrhea, loss of balance, loss of sight, loss of hearing, loss of other senses, loss of common sense, heart palpitations, heart arrhythmia, heart attack, Justin Bieber songs, rashes, acne, simmers, chronic earwax, athlete’s foot, depression, anxiety, support for the church of the broken god, paralysis, hyperactivity, your wife leaving you, marxism, the collapse of human civilization, dread, suicide, [135 further entries omitted]. Contact your anti-selachian certified doctor to see if Selacho-clear is right for you.

How It's Made

Season 38 Episode 5

Title: How It's Made: dado brand sight enhancer

Narrator: Up next, we have a special guest on our program to tell us how his new revolutionary Sight Enhancers are manufactured.

[The screen cuts to a short man standing behind a kitchen island, wearing an apron and an oversized chef's hat.]

dado: yes thank you mister producer for giving dado spot on popular discovery channel show.

dado: process is very simple, first dado collect ingredients. dado has not found method to automatize newt eye harvest yet but dado is hard worker.

[dado lifts his hat up, revealing a jar full of eyeballs. He sets it down on the island.]

dado: is not easy to make eye product without eye, yes? now, do as dado do.

[KINETOGRAPHIC MEME REMOVED]

dado: now you understand why dado find it hard to automatize. but is no problem! all is left is garnishing of produce.

[dado rubs the mixture in several colored powders, before applying it to his eyes. They start glowing orange as he turns to look directly at the camera.]

dado: dado can see everything now.

WWS Promotional Commercial

Woman: Every day, anomalous animals are beaten, neglected, and left out to die.

[A malnourished unicorn stands chained to the side of a telephone pole. It slowly lifts its head towards the camera.]

Woman: For just 18 dollars a month, you can give these animals a warm, loving home here in the Boring-Portland area.

[The screen fades to an image of 2 WWS workers carrying a Golden Retriever out of an abandoned house.]

[The screen fades to a close-up sickly lion cub with a scorpion tail attached to its back.]

Woman: Call the number on your screen right now to save these poor helpless creatures. Will you send your love to the rescue today?

Wilson's Wildlife Solutions ®

503-765-9898

McDonalds Commercial

Narrator: "Now at McDonalds, you can get a happy meal for only 5 dollars!"

[The camera shows a child happily eating a happy meal]

Narrator: "And Big Macs are now only 3 dollars!"

[A man with green skin and spines growing out of him is shown eating a big mac, looking satisfied.]

Narrator: "Even aliens love McDonalds!"

[A humanoid resembling the "Grey Aliens" with green skin is seen eating with a humanoid with appendages resembling octopus tentacles]

Narrator: "So go eat some McDonalds today!"

Dr. Wondertainment Commercial

Season 1 Episode 20

Title: Dr. Wondertainment: Unleashing Wonder Every Day!

[A whimsical jingle plays as scenes of children playing with colorful toys and gadgets fill the screen.]

Narrator: "Are you ready to ignite the spark of imagination in your child's world? Look no further than Dr. Wondertainment – the pioneer of fantastical fun and boundless creativity!"

Narrator: "From enchanting playsets to mind-boggling contraptions, Dr. Wondertainment brings joy, wonder, and endless entertainment to children of all ages. Our toys aren't just toys; they're portals to imagination!"

Narrator: "Watch as your child's imagination soars with our magical assortment of toys that encourage creativity, innovation, and endless hours of play. Whether it's our patented Giggle Gizmos, Rainbow Revolvers, or Dazzling Dreamcasters, each creation from Dr. Wondertainment sparks joy and wonder!"

Narrator: "Join the millions of families worldwide who trust Dr. Wondertainment to transform ordinary playtime into extraordinary adventures! Discover the magic today and let your child's imagination run wild with Dr. Wondertainment!"

[The screen fades to the Dr. Wondertainment logo with the tagline: "Where Imagination Knows No Bounds!"]

This offer is subject to availability and may vary by location. Terms and conditions apply.

Dr. Wondertainment is not responsible for any unintended side effects or anomalous occurrences resulting from product use. Consultation with a responsible adult is advised.

Anderson Robotics Announcement

Season 6 Episode 58

Title: Anderson Robotics: Introducing Our Latest Innovation - RK-9 Model-A.

[Upbeat, futuristic music plays as the screen shows sleek, modern images of the RK-9 Model-A in various settings.]

[An individual attired in formal business attire, comprising a suit and a black tie, ascends the stage.]

Albert Frostman: Ladies and gentlemen, I am Albert Frostman, and it is my privilege to stand before you today representing Anderson Robotics. We proudly present you the future of companionship - the RK-9 Model-A! Crafted with cutting-edge technology and unparalleled precision, this robotic marvel redefines the bond between humans and their faithful furry friends.

[A series of visual recordings depicting the engagement of RK-9 with a gathering of individuals is shown.]

Albert Frostman: Experience the perfect blend of loyalty and innovation with our RK-9 Companion. Tailored to mimic the warmth, companionship, and charm of a real dog, this revolutionary creation from Anderson Robotics promises to become your family's newest member.

[Visual recordings depicting RK-9 traversing diverse landscapes is observed.]

Albert Frostman: Equipped with advanced AI capabilities, adaptive learning algorithms, and state-of-the-art sensors, the RK-9 Companion adapts to your lifestyle, providing unwavering companionship, security, and joy.

[Photographs portraying RK-9 situated within various residential environments is shown.]

Albert Frostman: Whether it's for a bustling city apartment or a spacious countryside home, the RK-9 Companion seamlessly integrates into your life, offering companionship without compromise.

Albert Frostman: Join the future of companionship today! Embrace the next level of technological excellence with Anderson Robotics' RK-9 Companion - the perfect blend of innovation and affection for you and your family.

[The screen fades to the Anderson Robotics logo with the tagline: "Pioneering Tomorrow's Relationships Today."]

Footnotes

1. Nametags visible on the individuals read 'Various Chanters' verbatim.