Safety Reasons - SCP Foundation

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Act II - Scene I

Interior of Site-96. A number of tables and chairs are scattered about, stage left, and three cell doors sit to the far edge, stage-right. A few D-Class personnel are sitting on the chairs, playing cards and talking.

Michael Handler comes running in from downstage right, and erratically ushers the D-Class personnel to leave the area, some exiting stage left, and a few, including D-411, returning to their cells. D-411 in particular enters the middle door, and exits the stage. Michael then turns and faces the back of the stage, just as a small group of reporters arrives, accompanied by Chandler Wentworth. Among these reporters are Bertrand Gumpel, Sasha Bloom, and Natasha Fliers.

MICHAEL

Ah, you're here just in time for the tour! Please get your cameras… ready! We've got a lot to go over.

CHANDLER

Let's get to it! No time to waste!

NATASHA

Yes, please. We've been waiting for nearly forty minutes outside the building while Mr. Wentworth here vetted us about our personal lives.

CHANDLER

That was actually necessary for a few reasons. We house a lot of memetic anomalies here at Site-96, and had to make sure nobody was particularly susceptible to cognitohazards and the like. You may remember me asking if anyone was a third sibling out of four, for example. We can't let anyone matching that description inside the building, or they might become the next "Royal Servant of Lorenzo".

SASHA

It was humiliating! And he insisted that we write down the most personal thing we could think of onto a notecard, or we wouldn't be let inside!

CHANDLER

I'm sorry about that, Mx. Bloom, but actually, we needed those for the Hornets.

SASHA

The hornets?

CHANDLER

Our site also houses a nest of mind-reading hornets that can peer into the deepest reaches of your mind and broadcast it for the world to hear. And when they aren't fed, those suckers love to narrate anything and everything. Luckily, in return for our compliance with their very restrictive dietary needs, they've agreed to give each person in the building one specific incident or topic that they will not narrate about, ever.

SASHA

You were still the one reviewing the cards! And… you know what, you know mine, so what's yours? I think I deserve to know that much.

CHANDLER

(nervously)

Aha, I… mine is… quite personal. Best we just move along, yes? Michael?

MICHAEL

Yes… although, I do hate to add more work to your already very busy schedules, but I need you all to each take one of these…

Michael hands each reporter a piece of paper and a pen.

MICHAEL

They're fairly standard non-disclosure forms. They state that you'll be allowed to share any information you gather on this tour, provided that you run it by me or one of my associates first.

NATASHA

Mr. Handler, don't you find it a little odd to be issuing NDAs on a tour meant to alleviate suspicion of guilt?

MICHAEL

I… we… it's for safety reasons.

NATASHA

Right… "safety reasons".

MICHAEL

(nervous laugh)

Yep! Safety reasons.

NATASHA

(crossing arms)

"Safety reasons?"

MICHAEL

Well… I… you can just sign them when the tour is finished! Let's begin already, shall we?

Michael begins walking downstage slowly, with the group of reporters following close behind. The reporters note their surroundings, with Natasha taking a particular interest in the area, lagging behind to the back of the group, where Chandler is, as they walk downstage.

MICHAEL

This is our main operations floor. Most of our personnel work here, and it also houses…

Michael gestures towards stage left, past the tables and chairs.

MICHAEL

The Site-96 integrated cafeteria! Here, resident non-hostile anomalies can eat and converse with members of our D-Class personnel as if it was any ordinary school cafeteria. It's one of the many things that sets Site-96 apart from most Foundation Sites. Our director, Laura Knight, believes that anomalies deserve to be treated with the same respect as any other person, provided that they be monitored adequately, of course.

NATASHA

I'm sorry, did you say "D-Class Personnel"? What is that, a ranking of staff?

MICHAEL

(nervous)

I… err… uhhh… yes! Essentially! It's… somewhat difficult to explain, maybe we should just continue the tour!

Michael, in somewhat of a panic, quickly ushers the group to follow him, as he continues downstage, and then towards stage right. As he exits the stage, and the reporters follow, Chandler pulls Natasha to the side, away from the group.

CHANDLER

Hey, Ms. Fliers, big fan, I watch your reports every friday!

NATASHA

I'm sorry, is there a reason for this? I would like to keep up with the rest of the group.

CHANDLER

Sorry, just, I wanted to answer your question. I know Michael was only keeping it brief because he's under a lot of stress right now. As you may have seen, he isn't the greatest at public-

NATASHA

Please, I don't need a ton of information, just tell me what you're going to tell me and let's catch up with the group.

CHANDLER

Well, the D-Class personnel program is actually a really great thing! The Foundation finds people who have landed themselves in really tough situations, and helps give them a new purpose in life, working for us!

NATASHA

What kinds of tough situations? Like, homelessness?

CHANDLER

Well… sort of. Mostly prisons, actually.

NATASHA

Prisons? As in, your staff members are convicts?

CHANDLER

They're not reeeeally staff, persay, as much as they are… prisone- no, sorry, we're not supposed to… they're lab helpers.

NATASHA

Whoa whoa, prisoners? You have human prisoners here?

CHANDLER

(stumbling over his words)

No! I mean, yes… but they're treated well! I mean, unless they aren't supposed to be, for the test, but only for the test! And it's all for the greater good! Of science, I mean. Oh, and humanity. Science for humanity! Heh…

NATASHA

…

CHANDLER

(stumbling over his words)

Look, I'm screwing up the explanation, just go ask one of them. There should be someone in one of those cages… I mean cells… I mean… rooms? Rooms. I mean… no, don't talk to them, they're probably busy… ahhhh, you know what, I'm just going to go back to the group. I'm sorry. Just… follow me back. Or don't if you don't want to. I mean, do but… I… okay, bye!

Chandler, having embarrassed himself thoroughly, runs offstage in the same direction Michael and the tour group went. Natasha stands alone, dumbfounded, before hesitantly walking over to the closest door and peeking inside. She then walks to D-411's door and looks through, before knocking.

NATASHA

Hello? Is anyone in there?

D-411

(from offstage)

No no no, I already fulfilled my testing quota for the day, get Slip to do it. He hasn't done anything since Monday!

NATASHA

I'm not a staff member. I'm with the press.

D-411

(from offstage)

You what?

D-411 walks onstage and looks through the door from the other side.

D-411

What do you mean you're with the press?

NATASHA

My name is Natasha Fliers, I represent Channel 12 news.

D-411

Isn't this whole operation under wraps?

NATASHA

The SCP Foundation has been in the public eye for nearly a week now.

D-411

Wow. That is… Christ, that's a big deal, isn't it?

NATASHA

Yes, and… I'm sorry, who actually are you?

D-411

The name's D-411.

NATASHA

Nice to… did you say "D-411"?

D-411

(whispering)

If you'd like, you can call me Glenn, but I'm not really supposed to use my real name in here.

NATASHA

Glenn, are you a member of the D-Class?

D-411

Could you not tell from the fact that my name starts with the letter D? And then, numbers?

NATASHA

(scribbling something on her notepad)

Glenn, why don't you and I have a little chat? I've got quite a few questions I'd like to ask you.

D-411

(happily)

Ask away, I haven't got anything better to do.

NATASHA

Perfect. Let's get started.

Blackout.

End Scene

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