Out to Lunch - SCP Foundation

Experiment #2620-43:

Date: 05/29/14

Contents: SCP-682. Hydrochloric acid. No detergent or water.

Review: "After yesterday's horrendous experience, I had all but given up at the prospect at continuing to dine at this establishment. Nonetheless, as a professional food critic, you can never claim to understand the full quality of a restaurant's dishes and services unless you thoroughly examine its menu. Since I had never been treated to such a barbaric display of service before yesterday, let alone at this restaurant, I would even be willing to write off as a terrible joke, or employees that have simply gotten out of control, through no fault of the fine persons that operate the business. It seems as if I am the only one willing to eat here as well; perhaps you may call it a sunk-cost investment?

"The first issue I had noticed upon arrival at the establishment was the sense of smell. It was as if they had left a thousand rotten eggs to fester inside. While I would quickly find the source of such a smell repugnant, it was certainly appalling to even think about spending much time inside. Oh, how foolish of me it was to press on. A part of me needed to figure out what had happened… but as they say, curiosity killed the chef.

"As I sat down at my usual reserved table, I was soon greeted by a chef I had never seen elsewhere, let alone here. His skin was what one would generously describe as 'wet', his appearance was similarly 'unkempt', and his expression was most certainly one of malice. My dear readers, I was taken aback. This was beyond the pale. Is this what the service industry had come to?

"The two of us had awkwardly looked at each other for some time. I almost had left on the spot. Yet, I resolved to forge onwards, in order to provide you all with as detailed of an experience as possible. After all, I had come this far. While it would have been rational to leave, as a critic, I could not allow myself to exit yet.

"Oh, what a mistake that was.

"'So, my dear chef… Er, how may I refer to you?' I questioned. It seemed that neither of us had wanted to break the ice, so I spoke first, much to my immediate regret.

"'The one that hates.' Imagine hearing such a title! Utterly ludicrous, wouldn't you agree?

"'Right. So then, Mr. The One That Hates, if I may ask, when will my order be ready? I, er, wish to see what an… individual such as yourself can do as a renowned chef if you must work at this… fine restaurant.'

"'Ah… now I see what those horrid, disgusting creatures have done with me, & what this truly is.' Before you comment, no, I still do not understand the meaning behind this as well. He did not seem willing to elaborate either. 'What do you wish to eat here?'

It had only struck me then that in all my visits to this establishment, not once had I ever placed an order myself, contrary to all my previous experience as a food critic in other dining areas. For this new chef to ask me this… well, was it his inexperience working here speaking for him?

"'Well, if you have a special dish that you serve others here, I would be more than welcome to see how it tastes and what you are capable of.'

"'Very well.'

"Reader, I implore you to believe what you are about to read. I am still in shock from the experience, and do not know myself if what transpired was real either. As fantastical as it is, I had seen it with my own eyes, real as anything else in this world of ours.

"This new chef proceeded to stick out his arm over my table and then, with no warning whatsoever, cut it off in one swift motion with his other arm, where it fell in front of me. He had then proceeded to grow the missing arm back.The force that the arm had been cut off with was strong enough that some of his… wetness had gotten onto me as well. So shocking that it was, I had become paralyzed for a few seconds."

"'W… What is the meaning of this, Mr. The One That Hates? What… what did you just do? Am I expected to eat this? Is this even edible? I don't know what type of critic you take me for, but I am certainly not one for parlor tricks with my meal!'

"'You did ask for the special,' he mumbled. The special! Imagine what a standard course cooked by him would have looked like! Tasted like!

"A truly repugnant display of barbarism. The chef is an absolute hooligan. There is no sense whatsoever in employing someone of his nature, regardless of the actual quality of his meals. I refuse to return until he is promptly fired."

Addendum Interview 682-JK:

Dr. ██████: Did you not think favorably of SCP-2620, then?

SCP-682: It refused my offer… after making such an absurd request no less. It is horrendously close-minded, more than the majority of other… insects kept in your cells. But… still preferable to speaking with you vile beings.