The slim and accursed Junior Researcher Nial makes sweet Passionate Love to the toilet king Khazi - SCP Foundation

Hello there, you despicable terrorist!

ThatGuyThatTime

Hello there, you despicable terrorist!

Written for April Fool's Day, 2024.

More by ThatGuy

…and as I could feel his ceramic skin on mine, just barely grazing the hairs of my bottom, the euphoria began to flood my antichrist body. His disembodied voice from my bottomed perspective, the way he held me down with his disembodied hands, the slow and intoxicating swirl of the water in his toilet bowl… for the first time since this war began, I felt pleasure in it's purest form as his rusty, thick steel piping began to-

Ethel Kursh closed the laptop on her desk, pausing for a moment with her eyes still staring in awe at where the screen once was. Across from her, Junior Astrophysicist Mayfield sat twiddling his thumbs, the sweat beads pouring down his forehead as he awaited his sentence. Finally, Kursh sighed, and looked up at him; her expression of disappointment not one that Mayfield was inexperienced with.

"Alex", she stated, her monotone grievances blasted so effectively through only a single word, "why did you write this?"

He stuttered. "Well- I just- there's a joke going around the office, you know, with everything that's going on, and I thought-"

Kursh raised her hand to stop him. She placed her other hand on the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes and contemplating the 30 years of Human Resources she'd sunk into this organization. She hated having these conversations, especially with her own distaste for sexual content, and she was disappointed that this was not the first time she'd had to have this conversation. Not with Mayfield specifically, which made it worse.

"There are policies in the Foundation. There are policies in the law. There are then, in fact, policies of the human moral code. This somehow breaks all of them. Maybe not the law, I'm no expert, but almost certainly the former and the latter."

His cheeks flushed, the realization of a poor-taste joke settling in. "Listen, Ethel, I don't- please don't fire me, I can't afford to go back to Wisconsin and-"

"We're not firing you."

His eyes widened. "Really?"

Kursh opened her eyes again, now filled with a tint of malice she rarely could allow herself to feel. "We're not going to fire you, no. This is Site-37, this is the place where people who 'get fired' end up in the first place. It would be unnecessary give the minor — although truly abhorrent — nature of this… text."

Mayfield did a little fist pump. Maybe his career wasn't over.

"No, we're going to make you apologize."

His heart sunk.

"To Nial."

His breath escaped him in a terrified gasp.

"In person."

In that moment, Alex Mayfield experienced true fear.

"Be thankful — Morgenthaler was going to send the think to Khazi, which would have probably started another appliance war all over again. Your shipment crate to Site-01 leaves in 15 minutes, and please remember that Nial has been locked inside of a box for the past 5 months."

Somehow, true fear got worse.

"You'll actually be the first real human face he's seen in-person since he moved over there."

He pleaded. "Wait, Ethel, can't I just go into- what's it called, "keter duty"? Or send me into the torture machine! Or make me clean the bathrooms here! Or- or I'll even listen to one of Morganthaler's lectures on how he could have done the moon landing better! Please, Ethel, anything but-"

"Sorry, Alex, but the helicopter's already here. Hopefully you know how to fight, because you'll be reading it to Nial as well, and let me tell you, the security detail tell me he's made quite a dent in those confinement chamber walls.

For the first time since he was 5 years old, Alex Mayfield screamed.

Access SCiPNET Email? One (1) new message!

Re:SUBJECT

To: moc.liamg|reverofteliot#moc.liamg|reverofteliot

From: ac.tenPiCS|relahtnagroma#ac.tenPiCS|relahtnagroma

Subject: Something of interest!

Hello there, you despicable terrorist!

I hope this email finds you at the worst place in your life. Truly, go fuck yourself.

Anyway, one of my researchers wrote something you might find of interest. I personally thought it was quite funny, but the rest of our department took it as a kind of psychological torture. Thus, I thought it was best to send it to you! After all, what is a war without psychological torture!

PS: Kill yourself.

>open khazisex.txt

— Aldrich Morganthaler, Captain of the Anomalous Astrophysics Team at Site-37

As Khazi sat in his warehouse, the bustling toilets around him preparing for the next attack, he clicked on the file sent to him by this strangely angry old man. After a few moments of reading, contemplating and consideration, only a few words escaped his ivory bowels.

"Yeah, he could top me."