Group Date - SCP Foundation

It had to be bad. Like, really bad. The director's voice was shaking when he called. He said something about "emergency medical extraction" before he hung up.

"You think this is some sort of containment breach?" Lambert asked her boss as Medical Unit 16 crept closer and closer to Site 19's west wing. It was her first month on the job. She was still quite green.

"Of course it's not," Mitchell replied. "There'd be alarms blaring all across the site. And they'd be calling in a full on task force. Not us."

"What if they're trying to be discreet?"

"That doesn't matter right now. All we know is that half of the west wing is knee deep in some sort of shit."

Lambert started going through possible scenarios. Maybe it was an attack from the inside. Maybe they couldn't trust the MTFs anymore. Maybe it was some sort of memetic anomaly that was most susceptible to people without medical expertise.

The unit approached the door to a senior scientist's office. Just before Mitchell opened it, the door swung out just far enough for a middle-aged man to pop his head out.

"Kondraki! Good to see you're—"

"Yeah yeah I'm fine. Just, did you bring everything?"

"Of course."

"Even the lube?"

Mitchell fumbled around in his backpack. "I mean… it took a while to find some but yes."

"And the pliers?"

Lambert jumped in. "What's going on?"

"I want to be clear. I had nothing to do with this. I mean, not this time anyway," Kondraki answered.

"Okay?"

"I'll let you tend to them then."

Kondraki opened the door the rest of the way. There were twelve men just looking at their crotches with a mixture of embarrassment and disappointment. As one normally would when one's dick is stuck in a water bottle.

"Wha—"

One of the men spoke up. "I mean, we were curious."

"There was that one power point and like… I just wanted to know what that was even like. I couldn't tell if it was arousing or painful," another added.

"You— you literally went against an O5 order for this," Mitchell responded.

"Yeah, but… like I could not tell they were serious."

"Is Gears ever kidding?"

"No, but like, it was just so stupid. So stupid we had to try it."

"That makes no sense!"

Lambert turned to Mitchell, whose face had gone pale. You couldn't blame him though. He was looking at a room full of his superiors with their dicks stuck in water bottles. And it was his job now to get them out.

"Can we— can we just get this over with?"

Mitchell swallowed. "Yeah. Yeah. I mean… yeah."

And Medical Unit 16 got to work.

Dear Sergeant Edward Mitchell,

I am writing to submit my official request for transfer from Medical Unit 16 to Medical Unit 27 based in Site 23.

I am requesting this transfer on the grounds of the incident that occurred on 05/21/2018 whereby our unit was instructed to extract the genitals of Site 19 personnel from Class-3 plastic liquid containment vessels. While this did warrant medical assistance, this sort of activity was not a part of the job description.

I would like to continue my service to the Foundation, albeit not in the presence of men whose dicks I have handled. Thus this request for transfer.

I hope you understand.

Sincerely, Sarah Lambert