The Pickleton Detective Agency vs Millions of Striking Microbes - SCP Foundation

🕰️ Word Count: 1.1k Words 🕰️

Forward: An ongoing strike arose within SCP-7271 among various sentient microbes. Given the inherent risk posed to normalcy, the Foundation has ordered the immediate handling of the situation.

Relevant Document

THE PICKLETON'S LET YOU IN ON SOME OF THEIR SECRETS

Where they expect us to send in clostridium, we send in the biogenic amines.

Perhaps the most effective approach is to hit our enemies with the unexpected. This translates to an abundance of biogenic amines. As they continue operations, we slowly infiltrate them with who they don't expect; building up histamine and it's associates within the striking body until it collapses. In fact, the Pickleton's have employed biogenic amines for nearly as long as we have been breaking up communal colonies.

We never let our guard down — whether it be the smallest of fermentations within fruits or breaking up the most radical of vinegarrisons attempting to seize your fine wine.

We as an agency provide nothing less than the highest level of care for your security needs! We take no shortcuts — whether it be the competition, growth, or acidity of our tens of millions of agents! We ensure that your lactic acid production continues unimpeded. We have over 3 offices nationwide, and assure that our agents boast the same level of quality. Regardless of location!

The Pickleton's control the crowd of contamination.

Relaxed and organized control over the microbes begins before there is even a concrete idea of a 'perfect' microbe ecosystem. A good place to start is a careful estimation of the bacterial crowd's size and mood to determine an appropriate reaction. The smaller the bacterial crowd is, the better. By introducing contamination and foreign elements that hinder the development of lactic anarchacidic thinking, we are able to manipulate the number of dissidents and gradually remove them from a position of rebellion. Planning in advance allows us to aptly control the scale of the strikes before they even begin.

The Pickleton Detective Agency is determined to fight for you. We have been around longer than any other group — with the most experience in breaking up bacterial communalities. We feel comfortable in revealing some of our 'secrets' so that you can safely know we have much, much more that we choose to keep to ourselves. If you would like advice for a single security issue; feel free to call our main offices below for advice. Consultations will remain professional, accurate, and free.

TRUST PROFESSIONALS,

TRUST EXPERIENCE

Arnold Pickleton

PICKLETON INC.

…

Foundation personnel initiated contact with the Pickleton's, entering negotiations regarding hiring the Pickleton's for their services. The Pickleton's demands included:

Their weight in gold1

Permanent hiring and subsequent stationing of Pickleton Agents within all Foundation Facilities

1.5 quarts of milk

After careful deliberation with the Site-327 treasury team, it was decided to agree to the Pickleton's demands. Pickleton agents and Foundation personnel began cooperating and brainstorming ways of breaking up and otherwise containing SCP-7271.

Method Attempted
Effectiveness

Gradually lowering the pH of SCP-7271.
Despite early successes in making SCP-7271 too acidic to house the striking microbes - the threat of a strike from 4.2 billion yeast spores required the cessation of inhospitality measures.

Integration of Researcher Wadsworth within SCP-7271.
As advertised by the Pickleton Detective Agency, Researcher Wadsworth was transformed into Histamine and integrated within SCP-7271. The effort ultimately failed as Researcher Wadsworth was bribed into abandoning his assignment with a novelty picket sign, reading "Seize the means of lactic production!".

Offerings of clemency to high-ranking microbes.
Arnold Pickleton, accompanied by Agent Dave Morgan, approached the third-highest ranking microbe in the strike while he brought another striking microbe's child out to go fishing. Pickleton offered the bacterium a pardon for his crimes - which was promptly denied, followed by a reassertion of loyalty.

Lawsuit against SCP-7271 on behalf of the Pickleton's.
Following a mass-media deception campaign by SCP-7271 to smear the good name of the Pickleton Detective Agency, the Pickleton's issued a cease and desist against SCP-7271 in addition to a lawsuit. Subsequent — extremely biased— arbitration saw the lawsuit dismissed, and the Pickleton's forced to pay for the legal fees of SCP-7271.

Deployment of Researcher Wadsworth within SCP-7271.
Researcher Wadsworth was handed a bolt-action shotgun and approximately 52 rounds of ammunition before being shrunk down to a microscopic level. Wadsworth was ordered to "Kill them all", and began opening fire on various microbes. After a lengthy battle, Researcher Wadsworth declared dual secession from both SCP-7271 and the SCP Foundation, forming an empire.

Relocation of the cucumbers within SCP-7271.
Various cucumbers were removed from SCP-7271 and placed in a mason jar containing white wine vinegar. The resulting disastrous attempt at fermentation saw the number of microbes within the brine of SCP-7271 triple, as new working microbes were forced into what they described as "incredibly toxic" working conditions.

Given the lack of progress, a complete military operation was organized to break up SCP-7271. SCP-7271 had, by this time, undergone a violent socialist revolution - peacefully electing a microbe named "Seth" as their leader.

Despite early successes in approaching SCP-7271, the assault resulted in disaster. Approximately 100% of Foundation personnel dispatched deserted to the microbes after hearing an argument made by Seth.

Recorded Propaganda Speech

! ! WARNING ! !

The following speech is believed to possess minor memetic properties. Proceed to read with caution.

"Hey guys, what's up? I was thinking about heading over to the bar to grab a few drinks after this whole strike thing is over. Want to join us?"

- Seth

With the abject failure of direct military action against SCP-7271, the employees of the Pickleton's launched a coup against Arnold Pickleton. Following a 42-day-long siege, Researcher Wadsworth was installed as the head of the Picketon Detective Agency. The agency was subsequently renamed to the Wadsworth's Detective Agency - and canceled the Foundation's monthly subscription to their services.

All cucumbers removed from SCP-7271 were reintroduced as a sign of goodwill from the foundation. The Foundation issued a formal proposal to SCP-7271 to end the standoff following the withdrawal of the Wadsworth's Detective Agency from the affair. The proposal pertained:

Allocation of 50 whole peppercorns, 1 cinnamon stick, 1 star anise, 4 bay leaves, and an additional cucumber to SCP-7271

The resumption of lactic acid fermentation within SCP-7271

The expanded recognition of unions across all anomalous flora

SCP-7271 rejected the proposal, calling its provisions "ludicrous". The standoff between the Foundation and the striking microbes continued.

Note

As of 04/AUG/2023, SCP-7271 has been operationally neutralized following the accidental catering of their demands by Researcher Wadsworth. Given Researcher Wadsworth's diplomatic immunity, he was unpunished.

All efforts to combat SCP-7271 were subsequently dissolved.

Footnotes

1. At the time of negotiations, equivalent to $0.02.