A Job For Sure: A Human Resources Department Orientation! - SCP Foundation

ThatGuyThatTime

The most important department you've never heard of!

An orientation to modern-day HR.

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Site-37 HR Office, South Window.

Hello, everyone, hello. No, I'm not the Director of- Emmett, we're in the middle of something, please just ask someone else. Thanks. No, sorry, we don't have snacks. This was a last minute plan, I would have asked somebody to drive into town and grab something. We have coffee. I hope that will suffice.

Alright. Alright, well, hello, everyone. Apologies for the slow start, this facility has a distinct lack of ability to start on time. Luckily, most of you will not spend more than a day working here. No, where you're going will be a lot less safe. There will be monsters that tear into people's abdomens for the hell of it. There will be talking computers causing a world-ending breach of containment every week. If you're fortunate enough, there will even be an occasional deific figure asking for your signature in an eternal pact of some kind. Please, kindly, do not oblige.

As all of you hopefully were informed, you are the new recruits for the Foundation's Department of Human Resources. Some of you more scowling individuals likely already worked in the Foundation, but for the completely unfamiliar: the SCP Foundation is "a clandestine organization dedicated to the securing, containment and protection of anomalous, supernatural, magical and unexplainable phenomena". That is our organization's ethos, and it's expected every member of personnel be aware of it. It's on the front of your employee handbooks.

Of course, this means every member of personnel except for you. You, the liaisons and agents of Human Resources, will not be fighting off world-ending events or researching parallel earths. No, you will be performing the arguably more vital task: maintaining the well-being of our personnel and the bureaucratic systems we built to stop them from escaping.

That was a joke. Stanford, the real Director of Human Resources, told me I should include more humor in these orientations. Granted, I did not know he meant for the orientation he was going to be missing 20 minutes later, so I will admit I am somewhat out of practice. Comedy isn't something I've had a lot of time to focus on in my… well, nearly 30 years working here.

Sorry? Ah, yes, introductions. My name is Ethel Kursh, and I am the Deputy Director of Human Resources. For all intents and purposes, however, as it pertains to your jobs: I am your Director. The true overarching department head, Stanford Li, is often out and occupied with larger scale issues. As much as it brings an inconvenience upon me, managing this sprawling complicated rats nest of a department, you like I will come to be grateful for the situation at hand should you ever reach this position. Nobody has an interest in interacting with Ethics, Fire Suppression, or the O5 Council much like Stanford does.

Oh, Dr. Hodge, please do not make that face. It is no more a secret here that toilets are alive than the idea of the O5 Council being a myth. They are real, they hold ultimate power, and O5-10 is your overarching boss. Please do not call him on Sundays.

I can see a few of you rolling into your chairs after I said that: yes, I am aware that for some of you, upwards mobility will be impossible. Human Resources' facility, the Site-37 that surrounds you, is the "dumping ground" of the Department. If you were transferred over here after having Level 4 clearance, having been a Department Head, having been one of the revolutionary researchers that changed the anomalous world forever, I can only say one thing in response to your eye rolling and grimacing looks:

It's time for you to know your place.

That sounds aggressive, however, let me assure you: that is the ethos that you will be operating under for your tenure with this department. Human Resources is an often overlooked group within an organization like this, few receiving the respect or recognition you would expect for a department of such magnitude. And yes, this is a job that yield significant power. We are one of the smallest departments, only beat out by the impossibly small Ethics Committee and Antimemetics.

The point being, every single one of you is here for a reason. Either you are a fresh hire out of college, a long-time deskworker who tried to transfer their way up the semi-corporate ladder, or you're a Foundation lawbreaker that needed to be taught a lesson. Regardless of which context suits you, every one of you is equal underneath the laws and provisions of this Department. Even further, every one of you and the hundred thousand other personnel worldwide working for the Foundation are bound to the ideals, rules, and regulations of the greater Foundation as a whole. Rule of law, as it always has been, is a core tenet here. Thus, it is important as the enforcers of conduct and human decency, that we remember we are not above this. You may wield the power to affect your employees — and yes, in that pompous sense, they are your employees — but you will be expected to adhere to the limits and non-abusive tendencies of said power.

You all look quite frightened. Did I explain what Human Resources does yet?

Ah. Well. Human Resources handles personnel management, personnel well-being, personnel living accommodations, personnel mental-health assistance, personnel hiring, personnel firing, and all factors of an employee's time with the SCP Foundation that aren't covered by our sister Departments.

Please close your gaping mouths. You will not believe it yet, but my albeit-dramatic preface is exactly the kind of information you needed to hear. As "lame", "pointless" and "boring" as your coworkers will refer to you as, most people working here are too focused on the flashy and the magical to worry about the baseline decency required in a company like this. And, yes, it can be referred to as a company. We may not make a profit, but we have paid employees, insurance covered, a company goal, a company insignia, and a company Human Resources Department.

I have been sidetracked again. Human Resources, my new liaisons and deputies, is the underbelly basis for the Foundation's internal operations. Where the Ethics Committee handles the most unruly of personnel, the Fire Suppression department keeps them in, we handle everyone else who's remaining. Handle them discreetly as well, by the way. Nobody ever wants to make things a major incident, and I shouldn't be getting reports of HR Liaisons causing problems or presiding over the next Clef-Kondraki incident. We handle the surface level, the mundane, the necessary or the personnel: we are not here for showmanship.

If someone has an issue with another employee's conduct: Human Resources. If a plan has to be devised as to how we can house so many people in one tiny facility: Human Resources. Should there be a need to oversee the movement of one person from one facility to another facility, Human Resources. Especially if that person is being moved for a personnel-based incident, most of which are catalogued by Human Resources. These are not platforms for making yourself a star, as you can tell.

In this job, you will need people skills. Unless you can excuse yourself like me with an obsession regarding organization and paperwork, you will need to be able to talk to people. Talk to a variety of people, mind you, from the multitude of facilities you'll be moved around to throughout your career. That's an important note: try not to make too many friends. Not that the opportunities will present themselves, given how often you'll be moved — 1 to 2 months is the average facility shift — and how much everyone seems to hate us.

It sounds lonely, yes, but you'll always have the rest of this department. Friendships outside of Human Resources tend to lead to bias, and bias in an organization like this goes a lot farther than extra coffee in the morning. Lives have been lost over unnecessary casualness between the people working for the Foundation; please, try and avoid that.

A final note: please attempt to smile. I can tell a few of you are scowlers, and unless you can develop the seniority and age I have, you will need to change that. People don't feel comfortable telling an upset person about their mental health issues, or the lack of proper vegan options in the cafeteria. We are attempting to help more than we're attempting to throw people back into the unchanging monotony of their jobs. That was Human Resources 31 years ago, and I- we worked hard to change that.

Any questions?

No, you cannot go back to working Tactical Theology. I've seen your file, Hodge, please do not try and argue this. 36 agents turned into wooden totems of Christ is not "reasonably excusable behavior".

Oh, these? These are cue cards Stanford uses for these orientations. No, they haven't said any of the information I've been talking about for the past 5 minutes. The cue cards stop at "Welcome to Human Resources: The Most Important Department You've Never Heard Of!".

Well, then. Welcome to Human Resources, employees. The most important department I'd rather not be hearing about.