Moon Champion's Cinco de Mayo Extravaganza - SCP Foundation

A bright streak illuminated the darkening autumn sky over Boring, Oregon. Though the citizens were no strangers to the weird, a fiery projectile of destruction was definitely not normal to them. A kangaroo causing earthquakes? Sure. A singing and dancing bear? Yeah, of course. A sea serpent constructed of thousands of small fish? Must be Tuesday.

But an astronaut hurling towards the suburbs at Mach 5 speeds? Now that was sure to wind up on the 11 o'clock news.

CRASH!

The space suit landed face-first in the local little league soccer field, effectively turning the area into a mud pit sure to delight the local mud riders and bring endless disappointment to the Boring Bears Soccer League. But this is not a story about mudders and some brats playing soccer. This is a story about a righteous defender of good values and his quest to celebrate Cinco de Mayo among the good people of Earth.

A vaguely human figure rose in the center of the newly created mud field. It took a moment to violently shake off the filth which it had been bathed in, revealing a white space suit with a black visor. Two small streams of flame erupted from its backpack, propelling him above the gunk and moving up and away to survey the area. The upward arc suddenly stopped as a threat was sighted a block away.

"DIE, SCUM! PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES!"

Within a second, an unassuming fire hydrant was cut down with a swift kick in the prime of its life.

"Your first mistake was crossing I, Moon Champion's, path."

High-pressure water erupted from the hole which used to be a johnny pump, bathing Moon Champion and cleansing him of whatever mud remained on him. He basked in the blood of his enemy for a moment, admiring his reflection in the pool forming at his feet. It seemed he had arrived just in the nick of time, as what seemed to be two Earth children were rapidly approaching.

"Halt, children! Tread lightly, as the blood of this sandwich infects the ground surrounding me! There is no need to thank me, but I caution you to advance with haste, for one never knows when the sandwich menace will arise again… It's cold, twisted knobs, and threatening red color… I shudder to think what would happen to you sweet, sweet Earth children should you be attacked."

The youngsters stared in confusion at the figure before them before the taller of the two took hold of the other's hand.

"Come on, Lily. Mom said we shouldn't talk to strangers unless we were trick or treating." The young girl, dressed in a pink tutu and tiara looked up at her un-costumed brother and nodded, following behind him.

Moon Champion looked on, watching the two carefully side-step the ever-growing pool of sandwich blood he had spilled.

"Wait, children! I must inquire upon you…. Where can one engage in the Cinco de Mayo festivities? I wish to partake in the culture of the Earth! Fighting space-villainy gets exhausting and even I, Moon Champion, must take a break!"

"What's synch-o day may-o?" The girl asked, turning to look at the strange funny man behind them. Her elder brother tried dragging her along, but her short legs and curiosity simply couldn't keep up with his pace. Their hands separated and she slipped, dropping her jack o'lantern and spilling its contents onto the ground. Lily's face quickly flushed and her eyes filled with tears as her brother quickly entered damage control mode.

"Uh, don't worry about it! Come on, don't cry. We can get you more candy!" He pleaded, trying to console his sibling and scooping up whatever candy was still salvageable into the orange bucket.

Moon Champion looked on, disgusted at the grizzly scene. Why were these children carrying the disembodied heads of bulls and stuffing them with eggs? Was this common Cinco de Mayo etiquette? It disgusted him, but he had come to participate in festivities, not to judge. Maybe he could both help this ailing Earth citizen and participate at the same time? A moon lightbulb1 switched on in the mighty hero's helmet. He'd had a genius idea.

"You there, Earth-child!" He pointed at the elder boy.

"What? I need to be home soon and my little sister is crying. Go bother someone else."

Moon Champion took a step forward and leaned down, grabbing one of the girl's spilled candy. He took a moment to examine it before smashing the sealed package of M&M's into his visor. Bits and pieces of crushed chocolate goodness and plastic wrappings were littered everywhere. Lily (who had stopped crying at this point, but was still quite sad) and her brother looked up in sheer confusion once again as the lunatic brought a gloved hand to where his chin would presumably be under the visor.

"I have reached the conclusion that your Earth eggs are a prime delicacy and this child is justified in her weeping. To lose these is a tragedy. I, Moon Champion, hereby vow to obtain more eggs for you, child. Tell me, how does one partake in the gathering of eggs in this bull's head?"

The elder sibling watched the strange astronaut pick up the jack o'lantern and examine it, pondering if this too would be met with his visor. Was he asking for advice on how to trick or treat? What kind of weirdo didn't know how to trick or treat? Either way, this might work out for him. He had to be home in twenty minutes with Lily or he wouldn't be able to play video games for a week, but they couldn't go back empty handed… He'd had to trust this guy, as weird as he was.

"Uh… Well, first you need a costume…"

"A disguise?! What tomfoolery! I am too honorable for such activities, I am a sworn Knight of the Moon!"

"Look dude…" Apparently, this costume was a way of life for him. He picked up his sister's tiara off the sidewalk and offered it to the astronaut. "Put it on your head."

Moon Champion accepted the plastic crown but was reluctant to don it. To do so would be an act of high treason on the moon, and he was no treasonist. But then again, he had come to Earth to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, buuuuut… When in Sigmar 5, do as the Sigmarian Fiveites. With a hesitant hand, Moon Champion gently placed the tiara on the top of his visor.

"I feel… Gorgeous."

Lily giggled, wiping a tear from her face.

Her brother rolled his eyes. "Now all you need to do is go to some houses and knock on the door. Make sure you say 'trick or treat' too. And please, hurry up. We already hit this whole neighborhood so they're not gonna give us candy again and I have my friends waiting for me on Fortnite so please hurry…"

He had been given his task; collect eggs for the child. This would be an excellent opportunity to learn about the culture of Earth. Without a moment to hesitate, Moon Champion's jetpack ignited and he quickly charged through the side of the house immediately to his right. Lily giggled merrily as her brother looked on in horror; the shrieks of panic and terror being met with a hearty 'I DEMAND TREATS, LEST YOU BE TRICKED!'

Five minutes and twenty houses with space-suit shaped holes in them later, Moon Champion approached his two loyal friends with a bull's head overflowing with eggs. He handed the young girl the bucket, who stared at it in awe.

"This is mowe candy dan I could ever eat!"

"Consuming raw eggs is ill-advised, Earth-child." The hero removed his tiara, gently placing it atop Lily's head once more.

Sirens became audible in the distance and the elder of the two children became increasingly panicked.

"We should go. Thank you, uh, guy. Bye."

Moon Champion put his hands at his waist, smiling underneath his helmet. Another day, another job well done. Plus he had learned of the traditions of Earth! Who knew that the traditional response to 'Trick or treat' would be 'Get out of my house' or 'I'm calling the police'? Not he! But now he was wiser, and more culturally enriched. He watched the children scurry away before looking up to his home in the sky.

It called to him.

"Moon Champion, away!"

And with that, the lunatic's Cinco de Mayo came to a close as he soared to the moon above.

Footnotes

1. comparable to an Earth Mott's™ Apple Juice 4-Pack

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