Incident 239-Abridged - SCP Foundation

This report is STUPID. All people involved in it are complete and utter weirdos.

On ██-██-████, Dr. A. Clef made the following recommendation on the log re: SCP-239

Let me get this straight: we've got a hyperdangerous reality bender in containment, and instead of killing her, we give her a fucking spellbook and tell her she can only use magic we approve. Yeah, because 9-year-old girls never age, and never experiment with new things. And using her to contain other SCPs? Really? Whose bright idea was that?

Here's my proposal: a sword made out of telekill will be made, because a sword made out of a telepathy-cancelling metal can definitely penetrate a reality bender's invincible skin. Then, I an operative kills her in her sleep. Anyone stands in my way, and I'll the operative carrying out the mission will knife them with SCP-668.

Of course, considering that this girl is so powerful that if she just looks at you and thinks you're her friend, then you are, I'm going to do it personally. Got a problem, 05 command?

Clef Out

Surveillance Log x92███, Date █-██-█████-██-████

4:45 VTOL 505 arrives at the landing pad.

4:46 A security detachment arrives to secure Dr. Clef.

4:47 Clef is escorted out of the VTOL, and made to lay on the ground. He is recorded as saying "Clef bows before no man!"

4:48 The agents are distracted by a large flock of seagulls flying overhead, and Dr. Clef shoots them all in the chest. Clef is recorded to say "Wait… that wasn't my tranquilizer gun." and "Oh, my ass is grass."

4:52 Further resistance from security personnel. Dr. Clef swears several times, and fires wildly into the crowd. No survivors.

5:10 Dr. Clef enters Site 17

Personal log of Dr. A. Clef, SL█

Ah, fuck. I hate it when I'm right. This wall wasn't here before. The little godling has already started reshaping the site. Soon, the speaker system will play exclusively Kidz Bop and One Direction. The Horror.

…shit, the door's gone! What the Hel- wait…

[Clef bitchslaps some metal]

Butterflies? Really, Konny? Really? Butterflies and your fucking camera? That's the best you can do? We have a horny fox woman down the hall, you know. You could've sicced her on my balls. Hell, you could've just turned the site's automated security on and told it to target me. I'm the protagonist, so that wouldn't have worked, but still. But butterflies? You stupid son of a bitch. Glad I brought my flyswatter!

[Another male voice is heard saying, "Don't touch my babies!"]

[DATA EXPUNGED]

Surveillance Log x92███, Date █-██-████

FEED UNAVALIABLE

Cut to Dr. Clef: "I love a good feed cut! You can be as violent as you want, and nobody will see it!"

FEED UNAVAILABLE

Kondraki neutralized, declaring, "It is highly implied that I have had my ass kicked!"

Personal log of Dr. A. Clef, SL█

I've never understood what Blackbox Kondraki's obsession with those damn butterflies was. Seriously. I squashed, like, 50 of those things back there. He's gonna be pissed when he wakes up.

I think that Konny's working for 239 now. There's only one explanation: she's made him a Belieber. I should've killed the poor sunovabitch. It would've been a mercy.

And I just ran into a friggin' wall! Who the hell makes a camera flash like that? I think he said it was made with freakin' caterpillars. What if he actually needed to take a picture at night, like at the Site 17 barbeque or something. He would set them all on fire! Fucking butterfly-worshiping idiot.

What's the term for an insect furry? A buggy or something? Yeah, that's what Konny is. A buggy. Anyway, turning on my ocular implants, which I totally have. I think I'll visit some friends.

6:25 Security Team Bravo vanishes into thin air.

6:30 Security Team Bravo reemerges, dressed like fucking knights. No, really, they have plate armor and everything. …who the fuck wrote this?

6:35 The clock now only works in 5-minute increments. Also, Clef kills a bunch of guys. Again. For someone claiming to hate Mary Sues…

6:40 Clef enters containment chamber for SCP-091-ARC and proceeds to make sweet tree love to it, the lucky depraved son of a bitch.

6:45 Containment Breach. Biohazard protocols engaged. Dr. Gears and Kain Pathos Crow are called in. Because two Senior Staff avatars weren't enough for this tale "incident report".

Personal log of Dr. A. Clef, SL█

I talked to Yoda once. He told me "Nothing is true, all is permitted". Not sure what that has to do with the current situation, but I just like the quote.

I think I misjudged 408. Those things are like flying television screens. I wish Elvis was still alive to shoot the damn things. Hell, even Keith Richards would help right now; he could chuck all of the lepidopteran TVs out the window. For all I know, they've taken 239 out of the site already.

But if they did, I wouldn't be the damn protagonist of this ta- I mean incident report. And because I'm Alto Clef, my special ability means that women find me repulsive! That's exactly why I was able to have… tree sex with… 091…

…well, that's a giant continuity hole. Who writes this crap?

Anyway, in exchange for sex, I let 091 out, causing the entire site to go into biohazard lockdown! Now, you're all trapped here with me! Relax, I'm just here for the kid. Not like a dragon's gonna pop out of nowhere and tear the place to bits. This plan is absolutely flawless!

…okay, I swear to god, I heard a George Michael song just then. Weird.

<SCP-336> Alto, Honey, what are you doing here?

<Dr. Clef:> Just stopping in to say hello, Lilly.

(At this point, the two of them start speaking a mixture of Elvish and Martian. Or at least it may as well be. Seriously, we're the biggest scientific entity on the fucking planet, and we can't translate a few lines of a dead language. Pathetic.)

<Clef:> Aww, that's sweet, but I gotta go kill a little girl now.

<SCP-336:> I'm sorry, Dave, but I can't let you do that. (SCP-336 removes its vocal modulator)

<Clef:> What did I say about using my real name- (SCP-336 begins talking) Oh god my ears. It's like listening to 682's mating cry!

FEED AVAILABLE

<8:05> Inconsistent Timestamps detected. Preparing to detonate tactical nuke. Also, Clef's bleeding out of his ears. He is heard to state, "Joke's on you, Lilly! I'm deaf now! This plan is still absolutely flawless!"

<8:06> Dr. Clef is heard to state, "Okay, if I'm deaf, why the fuck do I keep hearing music?"

8:07 SCP-408 swarms around Dr. Clef. Visual contact lost.

Interview Log x████, Date: ██-█-████

<O5-█>: Gears, how the hell did you get dragged into this?

<Dr.Gears>: Processing question… I was working with Dr. Crow on his egg walker. We heard an alarm, heard that Clef was coming to destroy SCP-239. Dr. Crow climbed in SCP-244-ARC and rode off.

<O5-█>: Dr. Crow being… the dog everyone thinks can talk.

<Dr.Gears>: He can talk. You just have to believe in the Heart of the Foundation to hear him. Also, being telepathically receptive might help.

<O5-█>:…right. Then how come security footage from the time shows him trying to hump the Egg Walker's leg?

<Dr.Gears>: If a man has urges, who am I to judge them? After Crow drove off, I went to speak with SCP-239.

8:12 Consistent timestamps restored. Nuclear launch cancelled.

8:20 Dr. Gears meets with SCP-239, who is listening to a cover song of Macklemore's Thrift Shop by Kidz Bop. Dr. Gears is seen to instinctively reach for a non-existent gun and attempt to self-terminate.

8:21 After destroying the music player in the room, Dr. Gears and SCP-239 converse for several minutes.

Dr.Gears: Come with us, Cigarette.

SCP-239: 'Sigurrós'.

Dr.Gears: We need your assistance, Cigar. Dr. Clef has been placed under the Imperious curse by the Lord Ruler, and is using Allomancy to attempt to destroy you.

SCP-239: Isn't that reference a tad obscure, Mr. Gears?

Dr.Gears: Someone's bound to get it.

8:21 Kain Pathos Crow enters the incident area, finds Kondraki, offers him a bottle of Chechnya Vodka, as well as healing him.

Dr. Crow: Woof woof bark bark woof.

Kondraki: Fuck the liquor, I need to be sober to fight that butterfly-killing son of a bitch.

Dr. Crow: Bark.

Kondraki: No, I don't hate Chechnya. That's Strelnikov.

Dr. Crow: (whines)

Kondraki: What's that, boy? Sigurrós's fallen down a well? (Springs up, restored to full strength) Let's go!

Personal log of Kain Pathos Crow

BARK BARK WOOF I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. BARK HELP BARK BARK

8:40 Decommissioning of SCP-122-D is interrupted by Dr. Crow driving the egg walker through a wall and trampling it to death with his walker. Dr. Crow was given a medal for this action.

3:15 Random Bright Cameo! Hey, Bright, you wacky bastard, what's up?

Dr. Bright: I just jerked off to Lolita. It felt good.

That's Jack Bright, everyone! What a card!

9:15 Bright escapes his solitary confinement and finds Clef. The following dialog ensues:

Dr. Clef: Bright, you sick fuck. I ought to kill you right fuckin' now.

Dr. Bright: Kay.

Dr. Clef:…kay?

Dr. Bright: I want to die! I live for death! C'mon, Cleffy, put a bullet through my brain!

Dr. Clef: …Yeah, no. I'm not about to feed into your autonecrophilia fetish. But I will do this. (Clef shoots Dr. Bright in his left testicle, and walks off, with Bright yeowling in pain)

Dr. Bright: DO THE OTHER ONE!

9:50 Dr. Kondraki & Dr. Clef meet. Sword-fighting ensues.

Kondraki: My voice gives me-

Dr. Clef: Don't even go there, Konny. It's bad enough we had to steal a joke from YGX Abridged. Ugh!

Kondraki: Man, you know what would be cool? If the Highlander theme was playing over this!

Dr. Clef: C'mon, Konny. We aren't completely without dignity here. Lord of the Rings would fit more, I think.

Interview Log x████, Date: ██-█-████

<O5-█:> Gears, why the hell did you tell her that a fictional character was controlling Clef?

<Dr.Gears:> Because I didn't want to scare her.

<O5-█:> Fair enough. But tell me… why the flying fuck did you tell her that Magic Missile was an actual thing?!

<Dr.Gears:> Because I thought it was cool.

<O5-█:> But… you don't have emotions.

<Dr.Gears:> Exactly.

[DATA EXPUNGED]

[MORE AWESOME SWORDFIGHTING]

<Kondraki:> Dammit, Clef, stop this madness! And don't make a Sparta Joke.

<Dr. Clef:> Madness? This is S- aww. And I'm trying to kill her because her containment procedures have already failed! With ME!

<Kondraki:> What the Hell are you talking about?

Sudden shout. A female voice can be heard shouting something like, "I cast Magic Missile!" There is a sudden sound of breaking metal, and a scream, then a loud roar.1

9:51 Running Sword fight.

9:55 Dr. Gears, SCP-239 and Dr. Crow enter from various angles, with SCP-239 firing a bolt of plasma at Dr. Clef, which breaks his sword.

9:56 A black light emits from Dr. Clef's body, which turns into… a dragon. No, really. A fucking dragon.

Dr. Clef: Well, we just jumped the shark.

Kondraki: For once, Clef, I agree with you.

Partial Audio log extract from SCP-244's on board recorder

<Kain Pathos Crow:> BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK

(Sound of firing weaponry)

10:08 Dr. Gears and SCP-239 are suddenly in Site 17's strong room. While she is distracted looking at emergency supplies, Dr. Gears injects SCP-239 with a sedative.

Dr. Gears: Goodnight, Cigarette. Sweet dreams.

SCP-239: It's… Sigurrós…

10:20 Dr. Crow's egg walker suddenly generates a sword of light, and decapitates the… fucking dragon is this suddenly an alternate canon where the Foundation is a fairy tale? No? Then what the hell.

Supplemental Report 239 Abridged Post-incident interview, Dr. A. Clef

Clef: Konny-boy! How's the everything?

Kondraki: It's getting better, thank you for asking. Why the Hell did you try to kill 239? She's in a chemical coma, by the way.

Clef: Because. She's God, I'm Satan, and I want to kill God.

Kondraki: That's a load of bull.

Clef: Look in your heart. You know it to be true.

Kondraki: Don't start. You know I hate Star Wars.

Clef: That is why you fail.

Kondraki: Mmmm…

Clef: No, Blackbox. I am your Father. (Darth Vader noises)

Kondraki: Clef, I swear to God-

Clef: You mean 239. She is God. Think about it. Why do women hate me so much? Why do you think I lie so well? If I'm the prince of lies, then I must be telling the truth!

Kondraki: Clef, I'm leaving. Say one more word, and I swear…

Clef: Aren't you a little short for a Storm trooper?

Kondraki: (Inarticulate scream of rage)

At this point, Dr. Clef was not brutally assaulted by Dr. Kondraki, but instead accidentally fell onto the corner of the table. Repeatedly. Seriously, we have video footage. It's above your security clearance. But even if he was beaten up by Dr. Kondraki, he totally had it coming.

Footnotes

1. Actual prose