10:30 A.M. - SCP Foundation

Okay people, sit your asses down and shut your pie holes. I’ve got places to go and people more important than you to see, because I happen to be a scientist and we scientists have a tendency to be very busy and important people. If you’re out there in the folding chairs, that means that you're the new guys. Bottom of the totem pole. But, it also means that you passed the entrance exams. Welcome to the SPC. From this moment onward, your job is very, very simple: you are going to punch sharks.

In the face.

You will punch sharks. When not punching sharks, you will be planning on punching sharks. You will be developing new ways to punch sharks. You will read about punching sharks. You will write about punching sharks. You will study punching sharks. You will dream about punching sharks. You will jump the shark. You will collect and contain paranormal objects, and then use them to beat up sharks.

Punching sharks is your life.

You may be asking yourself “Self, how am I to punch these sharks?” With your fists.

And you may ask yourself “Self, what if I am bitten by a shark? I am unsure of what to do.” Go see an alchemist.

And you may say to yourself “Self, my teeth have become shark-like, in the sense that they have all turned into sharks!” Good, now start punching them.

It’s an important job, mark my words. There are people out there, many people who just don’t understand why. They don’t realize how important our job is. You will be challenged, you will be mocked, you will be insulted, but you cannot lose sight of the goal: your fist in a shark's face.

Several years ago, a former employee asked me “Why do we punch sharks?” You know what I said to him?

“Sir, do you hate science? Are you a science-hating shark-hugger? Do you approve of the non-science shark agenda?" He said no, he wasn’t.

I punched him in the face anyway, because he was clearly a closet shark. Because that’s what we fucking do at the SPC.

When you all came in here, there was a copy of Sun Tzu’s The Art of Punching Sharks on your chair. You are all to have read that by the time you report in tomorrow morning. Now get out of here. Those sharks aren’t going to punch themselves.

Because they don’t have hands.