Ruiz Duchamp: Ace Attorney - SCP Foundation

by AnActualCrow

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Judge

Mister Duchamp, are you aware that you have been accused of assaulting and battering fellow anartist Julia Emmerson?

Duchamp

Yes… yes, your honor. Sorry, not used to this court business.

Judge

Mister Duchamp, do you have a lawyer?

Duchamp

I'll represent myself, my man— I mean, your honor. You know what they say: if you don't do it yourself, it ain't done right. My ex girlfriend used to say that to herself when we were together. Get outta bed, light up a smoke, disappear to the bathroom with her—

Judge

Please don't continue.

Stone

Your honor, you can't possibly believe that this client is worth your time. He's clearly drunk.

OBJECTION!

Duchamp

A couple Whiteclaws ain't shit, your honor. There's no way I can be drunk. It's preposterous. Absolutely absurd.

Judge

Let the record show that—

Duchamp

I'm not done yet! It's factually foolish. Ridiculously ridiculous. You'd have to be a smooth-brained baboon to assume to say that me, the Ruiz Duchamp, is drunk.

Stone

Your honor, I'd like to conduct a breathalyzer test on the defendant.

Judge

That's… understandable, to say the least. An officer should be over here in around 15 minutes.

Duchamp

That's all the time I need to win this damn case.

Judge

Let the record show that you're currently far from winning "this damn case".

Stone

Anyways, my client alleges that on June 3rd, 2021, he was approached by defendant Ruiz Duchamp. Duchamp offered to sell her, in his words: "Tarkan stones. These are rocks from the last island in existence we're talking about."

When my client asked how this supposed island could be the last one in existence when the earth and multiple islands within it are obviously still present, Duchamp became belligerent. He began insisting that my client was questioning his methods and retrieved one of his alleged Tarkan stones from his jacket, which I would like to present to the court.

Anthony Stone pulls out a sealed bag with a rock inside of it, placing it on the table.

Stone

Your honor, this is just a normal rock.

Ruiz Duchamp slams his hands on the table.

Duchamp

He's stalling for time your honor. All this business about rocks is clearly deflecting from the fact that I did not break Clara's nose by shoving a Tarkan crystal in her face!

Stone

Which brings us to our next piece of evidence. Your honor, the weapon used to assault my client.

Anthony Stone pulls out a sealed bag with a quartz crystal inside of it, placing it on the table.

Stone

While you may not be able to see it from here, your honor, this piece of quartz has a price sticker on it. Clearly, this was purchased by Duchamp prior to his assault.

It isn't from Tarkan, it isn't from some magical island at the end of the universe, it's just a hunk of quartz. Mister Duchamp is clearly deranged. Is it so hard to believe that a man in this mental state would attack an innocent woman such as my client?

HOLD IT!

Duchamp

So you're saying that my "hunk of quartz", which I would like to remind you is also a rare Tarkan crystal, has a price sticker on it?

Stone

I wouldn't have to say it, since it's visibly present on the… crystal. But yes.

Duchamp

And you're assuming, therefore, that I must have purchased it from a store prior to assaulting— ALLEGEDLY ASSAULTING— Ms. Emmerson?

Stone

Yes.

Duchamp

And because there is a discrepancy in your belief that I purchased the Tarkan crystal from a store and my testimony that it is from The Last Island, you are claiming that I'm deranged?

Stone

Are you going to continue summarizing my arguments or are you planning on having an original thought?

Duchamp

And you assume this discrepancy DESPITE the fact that, as a vendor of Tarkan minerals, I may have added the price sticker myself.

You also assume this discrepancy DESPITE the fact that I may have purchased the crystal from a store on The Last Isle.

In either case, I would not be deranged and your argument would fall to pieces like a sand castle at high tide.

Judge

Mister Duchamp.

Duchamp

Ye?

Judge

Did you add the price sticker to the qua—

Duchamp glares at the judge. In Duchamp's eyes, the judge sees the wrath, the indignation, the scorched earth that would serve as his hometown's grave. There are no Four Horsemen, only an ungodly mass.

Hooves and skulls, manes and armor. A Nightmare.

Judge

T-to the c-crystal? Sir.

Duchamp looks down and rubs his chin.

Duchamp

Don't remember.

Duchamp retrieves a Whiteclaw from his jacket.

Judge

Sir, you're not allowed to drink in the courtroom.

Duchamp

It's mostly water, but if you insist…

Duchamp places the opened can into his jacket.

Duchamp

Now, in regards to my defense, I would like to call a witness to the stand.

Judge

Please proceed.

Duchamp walks to the witness stand and crouches behind it. A sock puppet is raised above the stand.

Sock Puppet

Hi, I'm Socko! I'm here to testify!

Judge

Let the record show that… Socko here sounds like Duchamp with a high-pitched voice and a sad excuse for a southern accent.

Stone

Your honor, if you put up with this any longer this place will be closer to a circus than a courtroom.

Judge

Agreed. Mister Duchamp, remove yourself from the witness stand at once.

Socko

…now, I've known Ruiz for a long time, and I can tell you that he's a fine, upstanding man. When there was a spider in his jacket, I saw him put it in a cup and release it instead of squashing it…

Judge

Security, can you ple—

Duchamp

No, no, it's fine.

Duchamp finishes drinking his can of Whiteclaw, crushes the can underneath his foot, and returns to the defendant's table unassisted.

Socko

…and he told me that when he was a boy scout he would always wait with someone if they had to tie their shoes. And that man grew up to be an Eagle Scout!…

Stone

I— er… Your Honor, I was planning on calling my own witness up to the stand.

Judge

Yeah… if we could just… security, can you remove Socko from the stand?

Security places Socko inside of a shoe box and removes her from the witness stand. Muffled testimony can be heard in the background for the remainder of the trial.

Judge

You may call your witness to the stand, Mister Stone.

Stone

Thank you. I would like to present Miss Alacia Thorton, who saw Mister Duchamp assault my client through anomalous means. Tell them what you saw, Alacia.

Thorton

Okay— so one day I was going through this anart exhibition, and I saw a piece called "POV: Me" which, might I add, is a pretty awful title.

Duchamp

"Twilight Embrace" isn't much better, Alacia.

Thorton

Why don't you start focusing on paying rent instead of going after the people who can.

Judge

Ms. Thorton, do you know Mister Duchamp?

Thorton

Sure, I know him. Bargain bin anartist with garbage bin anart.

Duchamp

You literally draw furry porn.

Thorton

I make enough money to support myself as a freelancer. Because I'm not some stuck-up, deadbeat—

Judge

Miss Thorton, can you please finish your testimony.

Thorton

Sorry, your Honor. Anyways, "POV: Me" is a VR headset that shows you the world through Ruiz's eyes. I decided to put on the headset, and that was when I saw Ruiz hit that poor woman over the head with a geode. I saw it through his eyes!

Duchamp

Maybe you just need to spend some of your art money on a pair of glasses.

Thorton

I wear contacts, dumbass.

Duchamp

Well, you clearly need better contacts. Talking about me swinging a geo—

Thorton Laughs.

Thorton

You throw insults like you're in fifth grade. What's next? Are you going to say that you—

Judge

Order! Mister Duchamp, stop arguing with the witness and begin your cross examination.

Duchamp

Sorry your Honor, it's just everything she's said has been complete bullshit. As usual.

Judge

Mister Duchamp!

Duchamp

What?! You told me to cross examine! I'm cross examining!

Judge

…

Duchamp

Anyways, you said that I hit Miss Emmerson with a geode.

Stone

God, not this again…

Duchamp

Despite the fact that I h— ALLEGEDLY hit her with a crystal.

Thorton

A geode is a type of crystal.

Duchamp

What? No, a geode is a rock with crystals in it.

Judge

Duchamp's right. Geodes and crystals are completely different things.

Thorton

Well— I— You know what I meant! I saw him do it!

Duchamp

Uh huh. And you said that I hit Miss Emmerson over the head with the crystal? I'm assuming you meant I used a sort of swinging motion?

Thorton

I… Well I don't know! Why don't you tell me how you did it?!…

Duchamp

Your Hon—

Thorton

You little shit!

Duchamp glares at Thorton before turning to face the judge.

Duchamp

Your Honor, the prosecution claims that I broke Miss Emmerson's nose by jabbing a crystal into her face, while the prosecution's witness claims that I hit Miss Emmerson over the head with a geode.

Something isn't adding up. I'd go so far as to say that my dearly despised Alacia Thorton didn't witness anything. She just made it up for the purpose of getting me prosecuted!

Judge

You forgot to say "end cross-examination."

Duchamp

What?

Judge

When you finish cross examining someone, you're supposed to say "end cross-examination." You forgot to say it.

Duchamp

Oh. So I just… end cross-examination.

The Judge nods.

Judge

You may proceed.

Duchamp

So, um… yeah, what I said earlier. She lied about the whole thing. Isn't a witness. I'm guessing you can, like, throw her out or something?

Thorton

No— I'd— I saw—

…

You want some honesty? Some honest fucking testimony? I wouldn't have been in this mess if you—

Thorton points at Stone.

Thorton

Had given me the right fucking details! And I wouldn't even have to be here if you—

Thorton points at the judge.

Thorton

and your justice system weren't filled with money-milking, punitive bullshit! And none of us would have gotten roped into this shit if you—

Thorton points at Duchamp.

Thorton

Weren't so fucking weird all the time about your magic crystals! Nobody cares about them. So there. There's your witness testimony.

Thorton returns to the prosecution table.

Judge

…

Stone

…

Duchamp

Hey. How much did Emmerson pay you?

Thorton

More than you make in a year, jackass.

Duchamp

So it wasn't just the art then.

Thorton

Where are you going with this?

Duchamp

It's just… I can understand why you mixed up where I'd hit her. It wouldn't be the first time your anatomy was off.

Thorton

You little fuck.

Thorton grabs the bag with the quartz crystal and climbs over the prosecution table. Duchamp is chased out of the courtroom while giggling to himself.

Silence, with the exception of Socko's muffled speech, fills the courtroom.

Stone

So, what now?

Judge

… Court adjourned.

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