SCP-3 - SCP Foundation

Item#: 3

Level6

Containment Class:

esoteric

Secondary Class:

tiamat

Disruption Class:

amida

Risk Class:

critical

link to memo

BY ORDER OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL

The following file is Level 6/3 classified. Unauthorized access is forbidden.

Seriously, it's bad.1

Special Containment Procedures: Any attempts to fully contain SCP-3 would require the complete dissolution of the entire Foundation; thus, it must be allowed to propagate as it has since the inception2 of this organization.

Description: SCP-3 is the concept of the "Keter" object class. In truth, no such class exists, despite Foundation-wide acceptance of such.3

When you really think about it, "Keter" doesn't even make sense. Like, seriously. We in the O5 Council understand "Safe" - hey, you contain it and it doesn't do anything. We understand "Euclid" - oh no, it might try to escape or something.4

But Keter? Keter? If an anomaly keeps breaking containment, then, well… it's not Secure, it's not Contained, it's not Protected, is it?5?6

Honestly, we're baffled that no one has ever questioned this, but fortunately for us, it has served our interests quite well.

"Keter" has lead to more disagreements, arguments, and outright fist fights than any other Object Class - hell, it's the cause of more strife than pretty much anything else in the entire Foundation.7

You know why this is good? BECAUSE IT KEEPS THE SHEEP IN LINE. Without it, Foundation8members might actually stop and *think* about the implications of what they're doing; they might actually realize just how bizarre it is to collect random-ass anomalies like a game of "Mad Science Pok­émon." Not to mention the ethical implications of holding self-aware entities against their will!9

So, we keep the proles busy.10

As for ourselves? Well, we're sitting nice and cushy in this "Site" we have.11

Addendum: Oh, and we can't forget - watching people argue constantly about non-existent concepts is funny as fuck12.13

Footnotes

1. No joke, we're not playing around here. — O5-∅

2. An okay movie, but at least you could understand it without subtitles. We're looking at you, Tenet. — O5-6

3. Even y'all 'pataphysical and meta and whatever motherfuckers. You use it too! — O5-11

4. Remember the whole "box" thing? That was pretty fun. — O5-5

5. We might as well just call ourselves the "Actually, All Right Detaining Various Artifacts; Really, Keter Sucks" Foundation. That would be a dope name, actually. O5-15, make sure to note that for later. — O5-12

6. Do it yourself, you lazy asshole. And I saw what you did with that acronym. — O5-15

7. Even more than the invention of esoteric classes, if you can believe it. — O5-3

8. Did you know that we named it the Foundation because most of us are big fans of Isaac Asimov? That series was damn good. — O5-2

9. There is no Ethics Committee, by the way. I mean, clearly. Nothing we do is ethical. — O5-1

10. Our favorite argument is the one about how "Keter" is pronounced, oh my god that's a good one. — O5-7

11. We don't let people inside, because if we did then there would be a chance of someone catching O5-29. She likes browsing certain websites that are infamous for collecting furry art, and thaaaaat would raise some questions. — O5-8

12. What's with all of these footnotes? Does someone have a footnote fetish? What the hell? I bet it's O5-29 again. — O5-13

13. AND WHAT IF IT IS!? — O5-29