Routine Psychological Evaluations By Dr Glass - SCP Foundation

The following are excerpts from psychological evaluations performed by Dr. Simon Glass on Foundation personnel

Dr. Glass: Alright, let's get this started. Dr. Alto Clef -

Dr. Clef: [Subject hands Dr. Glass a ukelele]

Dr. Glass: … Very well. Dr. [With some difficulty strums an A major chord] let us begin this interview. If you could please remove those cinnamon rolls from-

Dr. Clef: Twists.

Dr. Glass: Pardon?

Dr. Clef: These are cinnamon twists, not rolls. Do you want one?

Dr. Glass: Oh. Do you have any not in your nose?

Dr. Clef: No.

Dr. Glass: Well then, no thank you. Let's take a look at - oh lord, who let him bring a shotgun in here?

Dr. Glass: So, Agent Diogenes, h-how's it going?

Agent Diogenes: I'm fine, but I'm wondering why I need a psych evaluation every week. Most people only do theirs once a month.

Dr. Glass: Right right, so, listen, what are you doing Saturday night?

Agent Diogenes: Uhm…

Dr. Glass: W-well, uhm, do you like hiking?

Director Ghost: Small, slow circles. Trust me, she'll love it.

Dr. Glass: [Taking notes]: wait, with my tongue or hands?

Dr. Kondraki: Alright, so then, he stumbles on some entrails, and I manage to catch up to him.

Dr. Glass: Ahuh…

Dr. Kondraki: So I shoot his fucking face off, bam, just like that. Brains everywhere, oh man it was great. That D-Class with me was bawling like a baby!

Dr. Glass: That's your -favorite- memory of working for the Foundation?

Dr. Glass: And how did that make you feel?

Dr. Rights: Like killing him! I mean, there I was, all ready and willing for sex, and he buys a video game? It was just so, so-

Dr. Glass: Agatha, please put that lamp down. Agatha… Security, Security to exam room A!

Dr. Gears: …

Dr. Glass: This isn't that hard, just tell me what you see, anything at all.

Dr. Gears: …I see a symmetrical inkblot, comprised of what appears to be Black #4 ink. The paper is folded in the middle, leading to the conclusion that it is a Rorschach, or "ink blot", test.

Dr. Glass: …Ok…but do you see any shapes? Like a butterfly, or a ocean, people, anything at all?

Dr. Gears: No.

Dr. Glass: Are you sure? It looked like you might have saw something there for a second…

Dr. Gears: No. I see a collection of black, abstract shapes.

Dr. Glass: …Okay…we can try something else now…just…stop staring at me like that…

Dr. Glass: …

Dr. Clef: …

Dr. Glass: So… what shall we talk…

Dr. Clef: I've been kind of thinking about killing everyone in the base.

Dr. Glass: … what?

Dr. Clef: Nothing.

Dr. Glass: I thought you said you were thinking about killing everyone in the base.

Dr. Clef: Are you kidding me? I never said that. Why would I say I sometimes think I'm going to wake up one morning, take my straight razor out of its jar of blue disinfectant, cut my assistant's throat, and then run through the halls of the base naked slashing anyone who gets in my way?

Dr. Glass: You… you just said it again!

Dr. Clef: Said what? Are you feeling all right, Dr. Glass? You look pale.

Dr. Glass: You just threatened to brutally murder myself and everyone in the base!?

Dr. Clef: No I didn't.

Dr. Glass: Yes you did! I'll play it back, listen!

<Sound of a tape recorder being played back>

Dr. Clef: Really? All I hear is me telling you about waking up in the morning and shaving.

Dr. Glass: WHAT? Listen! You just said…

Dr. Clef: You know, Dr. Glass, auditory hallucinations are often caused by overwork and stress. Maybe you should take a break for a while.

Dr. Glass: … Clef, you're not getting out of this interview. You're merely trying to scare me into ending this interview early with inane threats of violence, and I must warn you that such cavalier tactics are clearly transparent, now if …

Dr. Clef: Why would I do that? That's as ridiculous as claiming that I've prepared a soporific-laced gum to give to you under the guise of a friendly offer of refreshments, thus knocking you out so that I can dispatch you at my leisure and throw your body into the incinerator, destroying all evidence, meaning that it will never be traceable back to me.

Dr. Glass: …

Dr. Clef: You don't look well, Dr. Glass. Maybe you should lie down and close your eyes for a bit.

Dr. Glass: … Alright, you can go ..

Dr. Clef: Piece of gum?

Dr. Glass: …

Dr. Gears: …

Dr. Glass: A butterfly?

Dr. Gears: No.

Dr. Glass: Octopus?

Dr. Gears: No.

Dr. Glass: A horrible face-melting explosion?

Dr. Gears: …No.

Dr. Glass: Fluffy puppies?

Dr. Gears: No.

Dr. Glass: You're telling me you don't see the happy little puppy right here? Look, at the bottom of the paper…

Dr. Gears: I see an abstract blot of black ink…and your finger.

Dr. Glass: …how can you be so cooperative and so frustrating at the same time…

Dr. Kondraki: All right, so that’s when I noticed that the bloodstains led to the janitor’s closet. Sneaky fucker tried to hide out behind the brooms and mops while he bled out!

Dr. Glass: Are you…seriously claiming that you engaged in a gunfight with several level 2 personnel over a failure to replace the filter in the coffee machine?

Dr. Kondraki: Well you might not see it as a big-

Dr. Glass: A coffee machine in a break room that you no longer use?

Dr. Kondraki: The issue here is the principle of the thing, Glassy. No filter means no coffee, no coffee means tired researchers, tired researchers means mistakes, costly mistakes end up as red numbers in my paperwork pile. See where I’m going with this?

Dr. Glass: [pause] Dr. Kondraki, I’d appreciate it if you would stop polishing your sword during the evaluation.

Dr. Kondraki: Bothering you, doc?

Dr. Glass: [sigh]

Dr. Kondraki: You don’t mind if I smoke, right?

Notes:

As my official statement, I would like to note that I think all Foundation personnel are deeply disturbed, amoral human beings suffering from varying states of anomie. Except Agent Diogenes, who is a very nice young lady/man who should go bowling with me on Saturday. Dr. Glass

Note: Several interview segments have been altered due to the sensitivity of information made privy to Dr. Kondraki as an administrator of Site 17. Events as depicted are to be endorsed and considered fact for archival purposes. Those with level 4 clearance may see Document [DATA EXPUNGED] for information regarding the "Mr. Coffee" incident(s). O5-2