A.S.S. and Other Low-threat Groups of Interest - SCP Foundation

The Association of Supernatural Shifters

The Association of Supernatural Shifters, or A.S.S. as they are better known, gathered around the conference table. They all looked at each other and nodded. They knew they were in trouble.

"Aurafeel, our organization has barely recruited any members. In spite of our almost unlimited power and glowing hands, we are unable to contract even the most mundane of recruits," said Lifesmasher, thrusting his hammer that burned with the power of 20 suns into the air.

"I do not understand why, Aurafeel. We offer the greatest of all supernatural weaponry and skills for free," added Awesometouch, the greatest thief in all of history.

"I am not sure myself, oh warriors of spirited metal." Aurafeel, his hands glowing as embers leaped off them, then stood up and gazed out the window of his multi-billion dollar training facility.

"Um, sir, if I may…" said Bingo, one of Aurafeel's many genetically-enhanced servant dogs.

"What is it, Bingo?" asked Aurafeel.

"Well, perhaps it is the organization's name, sir. I believe 'ass' may be a synonym for 'buttocks'." Bingo nodded sagely.

"My god! Bingo is correct!" Aurafeel smashed his fists down on the titanium table. "I propose we change our organization's name, gentlemen."

"Hear, hear!" shouted Lifesmasher and Awesometouch.

"But, what shall we name it?" Aurafeel moved his hand up to stroke his manly and well carved chin. They all sat there for a while, pondering upon names.

Suddenly, Awesometouch jumped up. "I have it, Aurafeel!"

"What, Awesometouch?"

"Our organization shall be called the Cooperation of Undying Nationalist Theorists for Homogenous Overall Liberty and Equality."

"Yes! Then it is agreed upon." The group then stood. "Gentlemen, we are now C.U.N.T.H.O.L.E.!"

The Elementary Academy of Anomalists

The teacher stands over the group, gazing down her glasses at each of the young children assembled. "Alright, class is starting, young ones. Quiet down!"

Little Jimmy throws his paper airplane then quiets down. Bobby continues to eat paste. Lucinda passes a note to Bobby informing him of her crush on him, only to have him unable to read it due to his sticky fingers.

"Children, we have a new child in class today. Everybody, say hello to Janice." A girl with short pigtails and a nice pink dress on enters the classroom and curtseys to the class. "Now who can tell Janice what we do here?"

Bobby takes the paste out of his mouth and stands up. "We… um… we train elite warriors from a young age to deal with an- anom- abomalous entities from a young age."

"Yes, excellent. And we all have special little powers ourselves. Would anyone care to demonstrate?" Little Jimmy stands up and makes a snorting noise, then shoots a loogie straight across the room and into a small target opposite. Bobby then proceeds to blow a bubble with the paste he had just eaten. Lucinda then blinks really really fast.

Janice is transfixed. She gasps. Then she herself burps, and it shakes the classroom. The teacher pats Janice on the back. "With these abilities we're sure you'll be able to capture any anomalous entity you set your mind on!"

Meanwhile, in the principal's office, the principal briefly considers pulling the trigger on the gun next to his head.

The Serpent's Upraised Middle Finger

Greg was sooo drunk right then. He slammed down the bottle of Jack Daniels and looked at his bros. "Guys, we have been mistreated by those Foundation scum for waaaaay too long."

"Fuckin' rights, man!" shouted some guy with a mohawk from across the room. Greg squinted and looked at the guy. Was the guy even a part of S.U.M.F.? He shrugged and went back to speaking.

"Look, we gotta unite. Tomorrow morning we're gonna ride in on our choppers or whatevs and fuck shit up!" He raised his fist in the air and everybody around him clinked their shots or bottles and took another hit. "You wanna die oppressed, poor, and hiding in some fucking library, or do you wanna die a motherfuckin' legend!?"

Everyone cheered and parted. Somebody turned on Slayer and they proceeded to knock over the table and have a mosh pit. At some point a bunch of hookers showed up. Greg couldn't remember the rest, though.

The next morning everyone agreed they were too hungover to raid the Foundation.

The Canines of Sapient Ability and Universal Suffrage Group

Fido the dog sat in his doghouse. Yes, soon all sapient canines for universal suffrage would come flocking to his door. Any minute now…

The Cooperation of Undying Nationalist Theorists for Homogenous Overall Liberty and Equality

"Well, Awesometouch, I believe that name change was for the better!" said Aurafeel, "We already have one new recruit set up to join us!"

"Um, hi," said Vlad. He was wearing a trenchcoat and had a greying beard. He still had a bit of white powder underneath his nose and his hair was so matted a mouse appeared to be sleeping in it, "I heard there were cuntholes?"

"No, friend, that is the name of our glorious organization!" proudly proclaimed Aurafeel, lifting his hands in the air.

"Oh. I'm out, then." Vlad nodded to the group and left out the door.

Lifesmasher turned and looked over at Aurafeel. "Well shit."

Honeyhut's Item Exchange

O5-12 turned to O5-13. "So what is this 'Honeyhut's'?"

O5-13 gestured to the image of a log cabin behind him. "It's a small, ma-and-pa anomalous items distribution chain."

O5-12 smiled and blew his nose. "Why, that's lovely. It's great to see a good, non-corporate organization just working for the day's pay."

O5-13 frowned. "It is lovely, but unfortunately large organizations like Marshall, Carter, and Dark limited have been driving small organizations like these out of business."

"Why that's terrible!"

"It is, friend. All these foreign companies are coming in and stealing our good, American anomalous items trade organizations!"

"What will we do?"

"Well, I've organized my own movement I like to call the COFFEE Party."

The Corporate Outsourcing of Foundation and Federal Exchange Extradition Party

"Hell, no, we won't go!" shouted a march led by Dr. Pinkus outside MC&D headquarters.

Carter looked down at the assembled group and frowned. "We have a problem, Marshall."

"Indeed we do, Carter. Thankfully, our opposition is filled with idiots. They've found our headquarters, but their only course of action appears to be holding up signs and occasionally shouting nonsensical phrases."

"Thank god." Carter tilted his head and looked down at the groups again. "Y'know, Marshall…"

"What, Carter?"

"Well, it seems to me at this point that the number of splinter groups and associations is just entirely too silly."

"Such is a fact of life, Carter. Groups of Interest flare up every so often, then die down again. It's like herpes."

"Well, at least we're not fucking Wondertainment."

"Thank god."