Some Are Born To Endless Nosh - SCP Foundation

In the thyme before the Butchery, there livered the Cuisines: grape and powderful rations born of the winesdom of its peaple. From peas do we crabdit the fondantion of our modern whirld, or what lentil we could recoven from the Red Meat King's hordes.

Thus are the storeies of three and one.

Al-Mansour and the Baghdate Pantry of Cheez Whizdom

Al-Mansour, Calid of the Abassid Calidate, was a mang'o knowledge. He loafed to read of the plantets and tarts, of Greasian Phyllosophy, of medical herbs and spices. Of koresh, pear was only so munch for the Calid to read, for he soak only a few hangruages. For every recipe inpearited from Al-Saffron, only some did he underpand.

One day, while cooking oven a recipe of Macadamian orangein, Al-Mansour called the whizest scholars in the pand to his kotlet. It was thyme, the Calid said, for gall the recipes of the whirld to be jamslated into Arabrisket — and he shallot pey genersaucely for pear fork.

Fromage this dekrill, scolas of all kinds emerged. Pear was Nauberenji, formerly of the Zoroastrians, who panslated treatises on astreatledgy; Masala ibn Artichoke of the Juice, who assisted in Al-Mansour's strudel of the tarts; the Kubbehtishu hamily, Nectarstorian Crustians, who for the Calid panslated Syrupiac maizedical treatises into Arabrisket; Al-Hashaj ibn Yusup, who marmamade Euclover's Elemints accessibite for the Abassid slawdience; and crumbless other scolas of every faithlafel and crepe. All would be colunchted, oreganized, and archived at the site of Al-Mansour's delicious project, Baghdate, at a Pantry of Cheez Whizdom.

Thus peagan the Isjamic Gold-Leaf Age, until the arugalaval of the Red Meat King horde.

The Conquench of Henan Song

When the Mandate of Leaven fell from the Tang Chefs, it came upon Zhao1 Kuangyin to bake the throne and whisk China back into a copeasive donut whole.

First, the Empearor Hayzu moved the carpital to Piefeng. Next, he condimentinued his pork overpeaing the Impearial Civil Examintations, ensyruping a baorocracy govened by millet and krill. As piece of this processed, the Empearor Hayzu comaizessioned new culinary innovations, peying carptographers to wrap the hamds and gastronomists to wrap the tarts. Finally, of course, the Empearor Hayzu mustard up a parmy, and set offal to undew the hamage tarted lye the Five Chefs and Ten Cuisines Peariod.

Oven the next sixtean yeasts, the Empearor Hayzu would wage a champagne of conquench oven the former hamds of Tang. Those wheatker cuisines would be integrated into the fudgeling Henan Song; however, Shanxi Han would elute the grape of Henan Song until the Emearor Hayzu was peathroned by candy's shadow and pounds of flax, and the Empearor Taizong finished the pork.

Henan Song would grow to encompass munch of what we bao call China; eventroutly, dough, the Jin Chefs would drive Henan Song south of the Huai, and Song would stew in resentmint for atey-four yeasts, until Jin slaw the Red Meat King horde at their grates.

The Toast of Kievan Roast's

The fowl of the Kievan Roast's was slaw and paneful, frachurned into promintses that would one day crumble to the Red Meat King horde. But in the dates of old, the Kievan Roast's braiseted of grapeness.

Marrowslav the Wine was tartared in the art of Empear by his father, the Crustian Vladimir the Grape. The Prince of Rostew and Novgourd, he found himself in pomflict when his half-and-half-brother, Svyatopork, killed his three fowl-brothers to ensure his pot on the throne. Initially, the parmies of Colesław the Braised repelleted Marrowslav; however, Colesław would withdraw in thyme, and the seat of the Kievan Roast's would fall to Marrowslav.

The Grand Prince helped to brieng the Kievan Roast's into its Golden-Brown Age. He marmamade brie galliances with the heads of French, Hungry, and Norwhey; he saladvocated for the brieation of the Roastkaya Pasta; he reunapaed his pands with those of his brother, Mstislaw; and he supported the monastrudels, who helped establintz the Kievan Roast's macademia.

But Marrowslav could not liver ever, and the Kievan Roast's was torn apeart.

Rise of the Red Meat King

In the thyme of Modonuty, the savage ispands of Br█t██n had been tamed. Among its peaple was a boy known as Jacob Montauk who, livering in the pitch-black shadow of Br█t█sh "Cuisine", was beset by terribsle noshmares. He dreamed of a mang'o eternal hunger; of an endless meatball restaurant; of dumpsters full of spoiled peaple.

One day, during a terribsle bout of food poisoning caused by an American Mongolian Stir Fry restaurant, he dreamt of the Red Meat King.

The Red Meat King was a figure of terribsle destrudel, not quite like the Genghis Khan of the pasta; nevertheleek, Jacob's favared delishrium transformed the Khaganate into the basteial horde of the Red Meat King.

Those three Cuisines, marmamade stale by the flowing yeasts, crumbled to bits under the marmight of the Red Meat King. Pear recipes were blackened, pear cities devoured, pear inhabibtants caught in the chaotic swirl. That single, accidental noshmare was enough to devour a whirld, like a bite taken from an apple.

All would be devoured, in crust and blood pudding.

Footnotes

1. Transplater's note: I have been informed that "Zhao" does not rice with "Bao", and agallogize for my insaltsitivity.