The Space Soldier - SCP Foundation

The little boy didn’t really know what to do with it.

“Daddy, what is it?”

“Well, son, it’s a toy.”

“Why does it look so funny?”

“I made it for you myself! That’s what makes it special.”

“But…I wanted a soldier toy. The one that fights aliens.” The boy’s lip was positively quivering.

The boy’s father kneeled down and put a hand on his son’s shoulder, squeezing it fondly as he pushed the rather mismatched-looking robot toy towards his son.

“I know you did, and so did I. But we just couldn’t get the one you wanted because we don’t have enough money. This one’s a soldier toy too. He fights evildoers with his robot claws of death.”

The boy’s father picked up the robot and turned it on before setting it down on the ground. The voltmeter on its head flared up for a moment before the robot began to look around.

“I am Sergeant Robo Boticon. Point me towards alien scum! I will destroy them with ease.”

It clacked its claws menacingly, or at least attempted to do so. Given that its claws were half-broken tools, it merely opened and closed them very slowly.

The boy didn’t seem amused.

“Daddy, this toy already looks like it’s broken.”

“Oh, that’s not true. Why, when I was a kid, I would’ve been glad to have a toy as good as this one. I’m sure you’ll have a lot of fun together. I have to get to work now. I’ll see you soon, son.”

The father gave the boy a kiss on the head before heading out the door. The little boy sat on the ground, staring at his new toy with no small amount of confusion.

“So, Sergeant Robo Boticon, huh. What can you do?”

“I am the greatest soldier your planet has ever known. I hail from far away in the cosmos. Entire worlds of evil have burned beneath my iron boot. I destroy evil wherever I go. I am Sergeant Robo Boticon, the destroyer.”

The boy giggled. It was funny at least. “Can you destroy a great evil right now?”

“Evildoers shall taste my deadly claws of justice. Find me enemies to destroy, master.”

“Well, let’s go see what kind of enemies we can find, sergeant.”

“Look, to the north.”

The robot swiveled its head.

“No, that’s south.”

The robot swiveled its head again.

“There. The evil monstrous witch known as Sis Dur. She can crush an entire platoon of soldiers with a stomp of her foot, and her wild wail summons the great beast Momon to end playtime for good. Can you handle her, Sergeant?”

The robot stretched its nonexistent neck, as if it were trying to crack it.

“She will taste death.”

The toy moved out of the safety of the blanket on top of the couch, and promptly stepped off the edge of the couch, hitting the ground. The boy reached out a hand and flipped the flailing toy over, putting it back on its feet.

The robot inclined its head in thanks, before turning back to its dangerous mission. It strode with deadly purpose (and rusty joints) to confront the menacing Sis Dur.

The boy’s sister sat on the ground, playing with her dolls.

The toy whispered to itself. “Prepare yourself for the grave, Sis Dur. Sergeant Boticon comes on swift wings of death to crush you.”

The robot waddled slowly toward the girl. It came up to the foot of the girl, who looked down at it. The robot looked up and waved its claws as a warning.

“I will destroy you.” The robot issued a challenge.

The girl wrinkled her nose at it, and yelled at her brother. “Get your dumb robot out of here, we don’t want him around. We’re playing house.”

“Your wishes are insignificant, Sis Dur. As is your remaining lifespan.”

The toy bumped into the boy’s sister before slowly backing up and doing the same thing, over and over. It swiveled a claw to emphasize its point. The little girl wrinkled her nose at her brother again before standing up and walking away. She turned around for a moment.

“You’re so annoying! Ugh, I’m gonna go play house in my room.”

The toy swiveled around to face the boy and raised its claw in a salute. “Mission accomplished, master. The threat of Sis Dur is gone from this area. I will follow her to the ends of the universe to crush her between my claws to eliminate her completely.”

“No need, sergeant! We’ve done more than enough already. Let’s go find some other evildoers.” The boy smiled widely. Perhaps the toy would be more fun than he had thought.

When the boy’s father got home that day, he came upon his son screeching with joy and playing with his toy. A broad smile on his face, he sat down next to his son, who was evidently reenacting some kind of battle between his new toy and a group of toy soldier figurines.

“Sergeant! Crush those enemies with your claws!”

The robot picked up one of the soldiers and closed its claws.

“Before the air is crushed out of your lungs, take heart in knowing that you were defeated by a worthy foe as I.”

The father smiled again. “Enjoying your new friend?”

The boy laughed and hugged his father. “Daddy! Sergeant Robo Boticon and I are fighting evildoers. He’s good at it.”

“Ah, creator. I have ensured that the last breath on the lips of alien evildoers across this living room is ‘Sergeant Robo Boticon.’” The robot saluted.

“Good job, Sergeant. Very good work. And now, I think it might be time for dinner. Let’s go son. We can play with your new toy later.”

“Aw, okay daddy. Let me just do one last thing, okay? I don’t want him to get bored.”

“Well, alright. Wash your hands and come to dinner right after that though, okay?”

“Yes, daddy!”

The boy ran off to his room, with the toy under his arm, and dug around in his toy box for one special accessory.

He pulled a shining white rocket out of his toy box. Then, he set down the robot on the ground, who looked up and down at the rocket.

“A fine model. Excellent power. Energy efficient. Am I going on a voyage?”

“Yes, Sergeant Robo Boticon. The Interstellar Space Command has discovered that our galaxy is filled with evil-doing aliens.”

“Monstrous.”

“Your mission is to use this rocket to travel from planet to planet and fight these alien scum for the good of the galaxy. Do you accept?”

The robot saluted. “Yes, master. They will know the name of death: Sergeant Robo Boticon.”

The boy handed the robot a list of planets, picked up the robot, and stuffed it into the rocket. Then, he ran outside and placed the rocket down outside.

“Sergeant, there is a high chance that you will not survive.”

“Yes. But to destroy great evil, you need an even greater evil. And that is my claw of death. No one else is qualified.”

“Godspeed, Sergeant.”

“Tell my wife and children I love them.”

The toy gave a solemn salute, before preparing himself for launch. The boy pressed some buttons on the remote and dial as he saluted the robot.

With a massive roar, the rocket exploded out of the yard and shot straight into the sky, piercing through the heavens and out of orbit itself. The robot rattled in his bolts as the rocket reached supersonic speeds, slipping the gravity of the boy’s planet.

Looking at his home and where he had spent his brief life up to this point, the robot pondered what it would be like to fight aliens elsewhere. Were they going to be ugly? Perhaps. Strong? Who knows? But his combat prowess would solve any problem, he was confident of that much.

Settling into his seat, he decided to doze a little before arriving at his first destination.

The robot was awoken by burning heat.

Awakening with a start, he looked around. He was entering his first planet. Consulting the list his young master gave him, he read the name.

“EARTH. What a strange name for a planet. No matter, they will taste death nonetheless.”

The rocket smashed through the unfamiliar planet’s atmosphere and plowed into the ground below, ejecting the intrepid soldier.

“The hell was that?!” The robot tried to look at what had spoken, but he had fallen over once again. Squirming around, he managed to turn slightly. He saw two things.

First, his rocket had been completely destroyed in the impact. He cursed this strange planet’s dangerous atmosphere and terrain for ruining his beautiful craft.

Second, he saw the ugliest alien he had ever seen. It was a soft-looking, pinkish, disgusting creature. It was accompanied by another one, equally disgusting. The robot held back the urge to vomit, even though he didn’t have anything to vomit, or a mouth, for that matter.

But if his rocket was destroyed, he would need a new one. This planet surely had rockets, he just had to find them. But it was a little hard to find someone to place him in a good rocket when they were all dead beneath his foot. And who’s to say they wouldn’t betray him?

No, he needed a different strategy. Sergeant Robo Boticon was not a dumb soldier. He graduated top of his class. He would blend in with the evil alien scum. Even pretend to be one of them. Then, when he had gained their trust by doing evil things, he would acquire a rocket, and then destroy them all.

He glanced at the ugly alien, and analyzed what it was saying. He quickly absorbed the new language.

“Cower in fear, fools. My name is RoboLord the Destructor, and I am here to end your miserable lives. I am evil and death incarnate.”

He tried to clack his claws again, but he was still stuck on the ground, flipped over. Soon. Soon.

He had been in luck, because the aliens brought him to a big laboratory, filled with the aliens’ primitive technology. The first thing he did was attempt to fight them all. They responded by locking him in an incredibly sturdy transparent prison, evidently fearing his power.

It was all working exactly according to plan.

They called him names in their strange language, dubbing him fearsome names such as “Pesterbot” and the terrifying “Patheticon the Garglemost.” Yes, they quaked when they saw him pass. They couldn’t even bear to look him in the eye before quivering and uttering a strange howl from their lips, while pointing at him and looking at each other. Fear positively corrupted their minds. The robot couldn’t have been more pleased.

Soon, he would conquer them all.

Soon, he would reclaim his true identity.

Soon, he would return to his home and young master.

He need only wait for the right moment to strike.