How To Fish: An Official Guide - SCP Foundation

The Intro

Hello, and welcome to the most important guide on this site. If you are here, then I'm sure you have already read our guides on how to write, read, and maybe even tag articles, but none of that truly matters anymore. We have a bigger problem. The Fishing Team has recently discovered a severe lack of knowledge among the current user base and we aim to fix that by asking a simple question. Do you know how to fish?1

Fishing is an art that can only be mastered by an exceptional few after years of hard work and study. The greatest minds known to our world have struggled to comprehend the majestic beauty that is casting a line into a 6 meter deep lake of dirty water and pulling forth a magnificent specimen of aquatic perfection. Before I can teach you the knowledge needed to even gain a fragment of my power, I must start at the beginning.

I was born a poor boy in the outskirts of New Orleans. My father was a butcher with a penchant for drinking and my mother was placed in a federal asylum for committing a triple homicide. I had a pleasant childhood. When I was a bit older I started to frequent the local lake and sit by the shore longingly as I gazed into the water. I would visit every day and ask the same question to my reflection. How do I fish? The reflection never answered because it can't talk, but I did eventually buy a fishing rod. It was that day that my true destiny revealed itself. I would discover the ancient secrets of fishing, gather the greatest masters of fishing, and together we will teach these techniques on to you, the average SCP user.

- Fisherman Dave

The Bait

Before you can even think about catching fish, you have to make the fish come to you, and that means bait. Now, what kind you ask? Let me ask you this, what are you hungry for? I know what I'm hungry for: FISH! That's what fish eat too! Its crazy, they are like a bunch of dirty cannibals.

Back in the day, I ran into a whole society of cannibals. Humans, not fish, can you imagine a fish society? I've read too many young adult fantasy books about that myself. Well okay, more watched than read. Not that I would ever watch that drivel, but when I was living with those cannibals at the commune out in West Texas, they would watch those every night, and I would hear those films through the thin walls of my guest room. I miss the days of silent film, where eight films could be played side by side without disturbing another human. In fact, my love for silent film is how I met the cannibals. I saw a copy of my favorite film, Worm, hanging from a string, and I thought to myself "old boy this is your chance!" So I used my powerful manly legs to jump and snatch it from its stringy prison. Now, Worm bucked and fought with me, dragging me across the whole gosh darn continental shelf! Until it took me to those fine folks up in West Texas.

I had a wonderful few weeks in their facility, they fed me like a king, and put rubbing salts on me so my skin would stay clean. Shame the accident with Kate, she accidentally tripped and fell, biting my second favorite hand off! Why, she was so sick over it she died right on the spot. Unfortunately after that, my friends couldn't allow me to stay there anymore. It was a dark time for the ol' captain. On the bright side, the hook I got as a replacement for my hand completes the sea captain ensemble quite well. I guess the lesson was learned that day. Worms are a good bait.

- Sea Captain Two-Legs

The Hook

Here is a question for you: when you are trying to fish, do you just throw some bait in the water and walk away? Of course not. We aren't feeding the fish, we are catching them. If all you want to do is feed them, then you should just get an aquarium.

You know, I was once the proud owner of a magnificent aquarium, and a marvelous fish as well. His name was Colonel Scrumbo. Now Scrumbo wasn't actually a colonel, but he certainly fought like one. Couldn't put another Betta fish in the same tank as Ol' Scrum without him going after them like the Undertaker in 1999 when he threw Mankind off Hell in a Cell. They tell me that this is generally the case for male Betta fish, but don't you believe em, Scrumbo is a true god among men and a man among fish. Or rather, was.

Ol Scrimmothy, god bless his fishy soul, didn't survive the new Millennium. Now, the vet, she tells me it was just his time, that at the age of 7 he was an old boy by Betta fish standards, but I know the truth. Y2K is to blame! The programmers tasked with preventing it from happening never thought to reprogram the antivirus of the fish tanks! I can't say I blame them; this is what happens when your teachers shun the fish education everyone so richly deserves. On that day, I vowed to learn all I could about the Technical Fish Sciences so that I could help teach the next generation how to prevent further tragedy.

-- Dr. Sherman Fish, Professor of Fishology

The Line

Now, you may think the hook and the bait are the most important tools to a quality fishermen's tackle box, and you would be right. Just use some string or something.

- Fisherman name here

The Spot

Some may recommend that you go to a "registered fishing location" with a "proper license" and not "build a fortress out of old fishing nets and loose rocks", but those people are weaklings and cowards. If you want the perfect fishing spot, you need to pay the cost. You must be vigilant day and night. Anyone who dares to enter your domain is a threat, especially other fishermen. They know what you have and they will challenge you for it.

I remember once I had this premium spot on the west side of Lake Ontario. Fish were literally begging to be hooked, but then I heard a rustling behind me. I turned around and there he was, a 7 meter tall fisherman with fur covering his entire body and massive claws where his fingers should be. It was clear to me this was also a master of fishing. He screamed at me like some sort of animal and charged, but I always come prepared. I took out my utility shovel and threw it right at the man. It missed, but then I took out my trusty knife and threw that as well. It also missed, but it was enough of a distraction for me to run away and hide behind a large bush. The man lumbered on all fours towards the water line. It was impossible for him to see me due to my impeccable stealth and camouflage abilities, so I chose to wait for the best time to strike.

I took a tactical fetal position behind that bush and waited. Unfortunately, due to the comfortable ground on which I sat, I accidentally fell asleep and woke up 12 hours later. By that time, the fishermen had foolishly left the premium spot behind, allowing me to claim it once more. I had won the battle and stood victorious, at least until a local ranger stopped by to tell me this was "bear territory" and it "wasn't safe to fish here". It was clearly a lie, I had never even seen a "bear". I left after they started threatening me, but I did learn a lesson that day: if you are picking a good fishing spot, pick one where the rangers won't see you. That way they can't warn you about "bears" and try to "keep you safe".

- u/Barry, moderator of BearsArentReal.com, Fishing Division

The Outro

That's the end of that. I would like to thank everyone who took the time to educate themselves on the proper techniques and knowledge needed to fish like a true master. I have faith that anyone who paid attention will now be able to not only fish for themselves, but also live a more fulfilling life.

I know you probably have more questions but do not worry. The Fishing Team has more guides in the works like "What is a fish?", "How to eat fish", and "How to safely neutralize hydrochloric acid using common fishing equipment". Keep an eye out for these and other Fishing Team related initiatives.

Thank you, and long may the Fishing Team reign!

- The Adfinistrator

Footnotes

1. The answer is no, you don't, and you probably never will.