The Buyble Book One: Greazesis - SCP Foundation

Author's Note: This thing was an attempt between Mooagain and I to write a tale in one hour. As a result, the below content is completely off-the-walls, and born from sheer, literary chaos.

Have Fun Reading!

- Kensing

Greazesis 1.1: In The Beginning When Seamus and Ebenezer Created Greazeburger, The Earth Was Completely Fine. These Idiots Fucked It Up, And Now They Are Divine.

Then, Greaze Declared To The Employees: "We're Stealing Content From The Bible Because Our Legal Team Was Vaporized After It Turned Out That They Weren't CC Compliant, And I Need Some Way To Get This Company Memo Out"

And Greaze Gave The First Of The Decrees: "Thou Shall Now Be Responsible For Your Own Equipment. I've Had Enough Trouble Trying To Find The Worst Possible Laptop I Can Give Out And Expect You To Work All Day On."

Thomas Greaze Spoke Up: "But Ebenezer, How Will We Work If Our Hands Are Dirty And Our Keyboards Unclean?"

Ebenezer Sent A Stern Warning, "If You Continue To Sin1, Then The Waters Shall Be As Greaze, And The Fish Shall Be As Men."

Thomas Greaze Asked: "Does This Mean That The Annual Fishing Trip Is Cancelled?"

And Thomas Greaze Was Defenestrated, As He Had Shown His Hatred For His Fellow Tech.

Ebenezer Made His Fourth Decree: "We're Skipping The Previous One Because It's Actually Helpful."

And Thomas Greaze, Who Was Still Clinging To The Windowsill, Spoke Once More: "Didn't you also technically skip the fourth one as well?"

Ebenezer Said: "Let Thomas Greaze Fall To The Earth, And Be Amongst Men."

And So Thomas Greaze Fell To The Earth, As He Had Eaten The Fruit Of Dumbassery And Been Cast Out Of The Garden Of Greazeden. An Angel, With A Sword Of Flaming Grease, Now Guards The Hole Where Thomas Was Cast Out, So That Thomas May Never Again Reemerge To Mildly Inconvenience People.

Ebenezer Then Declared: "It Has Also Just Occurred To Me That Literally Nobody Has Bought Anything From Us In The Four Years Since Our Creation. Could Someone Do Something About That?"

There Was Silence From The Masses Of Greaze, until Robert Greaze spoke.

"Didn't You Cast Thomas Down Into The World Of Men? I Think Those Guys Would Buy Our Shit."

Ebenezer responded: "Well, There's Like Only Two Of Them, Since God Just Kicked Them Out Of The Vegan Hipster Bar."

Robert Greaze Spoke Again: "Just Make More Of Them."

And So Greaze created Man in its image, taking great care to leave a hidden self-destruct switch incase they decided to ask for a raise. Greaze said unto Man, "You are a valued member of our team, now go sweep up the glass Thomas broke with his face."

Man Cleaned The Floor And Dumped The Shards Into A Nearby Waste Receptacle, Amazing The Onlookers.

"Holy Shit, I Didn't Know You Could Throw That Away," One Onlooker Cried.

"Yeah, I Was Just Eating The Stuff Before." Another stated.

Ebenezer Did Not Like That His Stolen Creation Was Actually Helpful, And So He Cast Man Out Of Another Window, And He Fell To Earth. Man Was Unharmed, As He Had Conveniently Landed On Thomas.

"Well, Back To Business," Ebenezer Said.

"I've Wasted Most Of Our Time On This Memo Shit, So Just Show Up To The Meeting When It Happens. I'll Be Sure Not To Let You Know When."

Footnotes

1. The Greazeburger Company Code states that "Employees who do not wash hands at regular intervals will be guilty of sin, and therefore damnable under the Greazeburger Human Resources Immediate Termination Policy". Additionally, keyboards used within Greazeburger incorporated are technically sentient, and thus are under the same OSHA working conditions as other Greaze employees. Therefore, continuing to soil the devices would be a severely unclean environment, and the offender would be subsequently defenestrated.