Nash Pinkle's Guide to the Foundation - SCP Foundation

Nash Pinkle was a facilities specialist employed by the SCP Foundation. Though his employment has recently ended, he did express interest in becoming a Foundation researcher, and at one time attempted to submit the following “guide” as a body of research work for review. It remains here for archival purposes only and should not be used for reference.

"Someone wouldn't really use this for reference, now would they?"

"…"

"Don't look at me like that. Please don't tell me someone used this for actual reference."

Nash Pinkle’s Definitive Guide to Amono Anemo Anime Weird shit

Ello, I’m Nash Pinkle. And this is my guide to the different kinds of weird shit at the Foundation. See, all o these things can be grouped into “groups”, or “another word for groups”, that you can define by asking one simple question: wot if?

Editor's Note: Text below contains only highlights from the original 57-page list.

Word
Wot it mean

Safe
Wot if you could lock scary things up?

Euclid
Wot if you could lock scary things up, sorta?

Keter
Wot if you couldn't lock scary things up?

Thaumiel
Wot if it locked OTHER scary things up?

airborne
Wot if scary could fly??

aquatic
Wot if scary could swim?

sentient
Wot if scary could think?

alive
Wot if scary was alive?

autonomous
Wot if scary was alive but NOT alive?

automaton
Wot if robots were scary? Fukken hell, robots are scary.

hostile
this is all of them, u can’t tell me diffrnt

skeletal
SKELTALS

"This is…"

"Incredible, right?"

"It's something. I don't know what it is. But it's something."

bovine
Wot if cows were scary? I could punch a cow y’know

canine
Wot if dogs were scary?

arboreal
Wot if trees were scary?

humanoid
Wot if people was scary?

mathematical
wot if numbers was scary

narrative
wot if stories was scary

religious
Wot if church was scary? A nun smacked me once

artistic
Wot if art was scary?

sculpture
Wot if art was scary IN 3-D??

arachnid
SPIDERS

concept
Wot if ideas was scary?

contagion
Wot if germs was scary?

electrical
Wot if batteries were scary?

meta
wot if SCARY was scary

"You alright?"

"I'm feeling lightheaded."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Like…what if scary was scary. Think about it, John. What if?"

cognitohazard
Wot if it was scary to see or hear it?

memetic
Wot if it was scary to know about it?

infohazard
Wot if it was scary to talk about it?

memory-affecting
wot if you didn’t know about scary

antimemetic
wot if you didn’t know about scary and IT WOODNT LET U

mind-affecting
Wot if scary got in yer head

compulsion
Wot if scary made you do stuff?

Hallucinatory
wot if scary made you see stuff?

Transfiguration
Wot if scary made you INTO stuff?

future
wot if scary was LATER

historical
Wot if scary was EARLIER

extradimensional
Wot if scary was somewhere else

extraterrestrial
Wot if scary was FROM somewhere else

language
Wot if scary could talk

mobile
Wot if scary could walk

immobile
Wot if scary couldn’t walk

predictive
Wot if scary KNEW stuff

knowledge
Wot if scary made you KNEW stuff

"That's…oddly poetic."

"I know, right?"

location
wot if u could go to scary city

online
Wot if u could go to scary dot com

loop
wot if scary again

media
wot if scary was on tape

reanimation
ZOMBIES

adaptive
Wot if scary got scarier?

empathic
Wot if scary had feels?

self-repairing
Wot if scary had heals?

carnivorous
Wot if scary had meals?

miniature
wot if scary was small

microscopic
Wot if scary was really small

observational
Wot if it was scary when you looked at it

ocular
Wot if it was scary when it looked at you

"The most terrifying thing about this is that it's just so…accurate."

"Gives me chills."

visual
wot if you could see scary?

interactive
wot if you could touch scary?

acoustic
Wot if you could hear scary?

olfactory
what if you could smell scary?

food
wot if you could eat scary?

toxic
wot if you COULDN’T eat scary?

gaseous
Wot if you could breathe scary?

clothing
Wot if you could wear scary?

game
Wot if you could play with scary?

furniture
wot if you could sit on scary?

tool
Wot if you could use scary?

ontokinetic
wot if scary could do anything

paradox
wot if scary broke everything

predatory
wot if scary hunted you

self-replicating
Wot if scary made more scary

sexual
fuckin’ scary

BONUS: SPECIFIC THINGS AND PEEPL

"Oh no."

"Yep."

Dr. Gears
Wot if smart people was scary

Director Actus
wot if old people was scary

SCP-682
Wot if it was so scary u couldn’t kill it

●●|●●●●●|●●|●
Wot if it was so scary u couldn’t write about it

SCP-055
Wot if it was so scary u couldn’t know about it

SCP-4885
Wot if Waldo was scary

SCP-096
Wot if a face was scary

SCP-426
Wot if I was a toaster (and scary)

SCP-999
Wot if jello was scary

SCP-871
Wot if cake was scary

SCP-3930
Wot if nothing was scary

SCP-3393
wot if u were scary

"This is awful. It's the same question over and over again. It's not in any discernible order."

"But?"

"But like…I feel like I understand the subject matter better now. I feel ashamed."

"We all do, doctor. We all do."