Corruption Within The Clown Industry: A Controversial Opinion by Bambousio Starswinger - SCP Foundation

Clowns, where do I start?

If you are a licensed clown breeder like myself you may be familiar with the heated debates within the clown industry. Many uneducated individuals may think this is all a worthless discussion, but I believe these points must be addressed by a well-seasoned professional who knows the difference between the scary clown and horror clown breeds.

I, Bambousio Starswinger, clown breeder, seller, blogger and practising ringmaster, have some opinions on the corruption in the clown industry that many may find to be controversial and more liberal than other clown owners.

1. Selling inexperienced clown owners hard-to-manage clowns.

Let’s begin with the obvious. There are clown breeders out there who are only in it for the money. They may start selling the rodeo clown (who will no doubt be deformed due to the sickening breeding practices these breeders use) to someone with no experience in clown husbandry, tell them nothing about the care these breeds need (Lots of space in their tent, big ball pit, plenty of cream pies etc.) and run off with their money. Now you have an unhappy clown soon to be abandoned by their owner because they don’t have the right environment for their clown.

This happens everywhere, from large horror clowns to the daintiest porcelain. Unlicensed breeders are rampant in the clown industry and there has been no legal action taken against them. When will the elites see that a happy clown is a healthy clown? And don’t get me started on the deformities that are brought to certain breeds…

2. Unhealthy traits bred into clowns for the ‘aesthetic’.

Call me old fashioned but I just don’t get aesthetics. Especially when it comes to clowns. The charm of the clown is in its natural state, with silly red noses and fun colours. This simple formula is what made the clown species as popular as it is today.

I do NOT enjoy these new traits being bred into certain clown species, like the pierrot clown being bred to have a certain small face shape, which makes it hard for them to breathe. It’s the same with mimes, jesters, whitefaces, all of them.

These certain deformities are being bred for the looks and not the well being of the clown. This is why some clowns die young. You may buy a clown for its markings or face, but what always comes first is the clown’s personality. There are some clowns I have in my tent that may look undesirable, like my mixed American Tramp breed, but have the biggest hearts out of any clown.

3. Herman Fuller’s Circus should NOT be endorsed.

To my friends in the clown industry, this should be self-explanatory. Herman Fuller’s Circus of the Disquieting is not a safe environment for clowns. I know I’m going to get a lot of flak for this, but someone had to say it.

My main problem with Herman Fuller’s Circus is how it messes with the natural state of the clowns. It gives them abnormal abilities and creates what shouldn’t even be considered normal clown behaviour.

Clowns are unpredictable and deviating from the norm when it comes to clowns is the last thing you should do. I have heard of Herman Fuller clowns becoming violent and unhinged while in his care, and frankly I feel it is a harmful environment for the clowns, their carers and their audience.

…Not to mention the clown milk from there tastes terrible.

4. Clown milk should not be mass produced.

Oh, here come the haters and clown milk-purists. Before you ‘doxx’ me or anything, let me explain. As tasty as free-range clown milk is, it should only be served on special occasions.

Clowns need to be milked, that’s common sense, but commercialising their milk is exactly what normalises their mistreatment. STRESSED CLOWNS DO NOT PRODUCE GOOD MILK. UNHAPPY CLOWNS DO NOT PRODUCE GOOD EGGS.

Mass producing clown milk is a step back from what good clown owners have been campaigning for for years. We don’t want unethical treatment of clowns. We don’t want clowns becoming a product (disregarding clown meat), and we don’t want unhappy and unhealthy clowns. What more can I ask?

5. On the topic of clown meat…

Oh boy. This is a controversial one. There are many arguments for and against clown meat, so let me preface this by saying that I am against the consumption of clown meat. Sure, it’s edible, but I don’t eat it myself, so there might be some bias.

Clown meat is another area of the industry where things can go far south very quickly. Clowns being raised for slaughter, clowns being fed unhealthy food for more mass, and even clowns having unsafe meat.

There are many breeds that do not have digestible meat: Scary clowns, tramp clowns, I also believe boxer clowns and pierrots taste disgusting.

Some breeds though, happen to be unethically raised for their meat. I have heard whiteface and rednose clowns being raised for slaughter and frankly it sickens me.

Clowns deserve a healthy and happy life in a large tent with lots of toys - NOT in a cage! As soon as you start treating clowns like a business, like something to be sold, you’re dead to me and all respectable clown owners. Find another job. As I said before, clowns should not only be a product. Clowns are kind, friendly, funny, silly, and lovable. Clowns are family.

6. On the consumption of clown eggs…

Don’t.

You should know.

Just…don’t.

So there you go. I may lose some friends after this, but frankly I needed to set up boundaries a long time ago. If you are against me and willing to debate with a professional breeder, take a bite. But other than that, I wish you all a wonderful day.

- Bambousio Starswinger