3. Mr. Money - SCP Foundation

Hi there. My name is Mr. Money. Don't worry, I just need somebody to talk to. Seeing as it's just you and me on this bus, it might as well be you.

I'd talk to the driver, but there's a sign right there saying not to. See? Do not disturb the driver. I wouldn't do that, seeing as how the bus might crash and then I'd have to walk all that way. You ever walk in rain like this? Let me tell you, it's freezing! So I'm just gonna sit here and talk to you. You.

Oh come on, don't move! I'm just being friendly. Here, take this! See, we're pals now, right? Yes, it's a diamond. Yes, it's real. You see, pal, I know how friendship works. You hearing me…? What's your name, anyway? Well, hello Dave.

It's nice to meet a smart fellow like yourself. I usually hang around with this group…ugh, you would not believe. They didn't understand how friendship works, no they did not. Not like you, Dave.

I gave them dollars and dimes and fucking diamonds! And all they did is call me a snob! Me, can you believe that, Dave?! Have another diamond, you're a good friend and you look like you could use it.

Seriously though; me, a snob? It's not easy to get all this cash, believe me! Puking out the bills is fine, they come out easy. Even coins are no big deal.

But with diamonds, it's not so easy! You can choke on diamonds! I have a few times, let me tell you. Good thing Ms. Sweetie was there, though. I would have been a goner! She was always very kind, Ms. Sweetie. Even if she just pitied me, just fucking pitied me!

Stop fucking moving, Dave! No, don't go, have another diamond, please! I'm sorry for shouting, I didn't mean to. Must have gotten that from Redd, always shouting. Gave me a headache, I don't mind saying.

What's that? Well, Dave, that is a very good question and I don't fucking know why I can puke money so shut the fuck up! Sorry, diamond, sorry. I'll tell you what I do know, because friends share secrets. We're friends, right Dave?

I have to know what kind of money I want to puke. I couldn't spit out some yen or something for you right now, because I've never been to Asia and I don't know what yen looks like. You ever been to Asia? Suppose not, flights are kind of expensive. So, enough about me, where are you headed?

Me, I'm headed for…well, I don't really know, but I'm getting there before those little shits, I know that. They said it wasn't a race, but let me tell you, Dave, it's always a race. Have a diamond.

Previous: 2. Mr. Clank by Dr Gears

Next: 4. Mr. Lie by Salman Corbette

Back to Hub