Stone, Sea, & Sky - SCP Foundation

The night sweeps over the city skyline like a janitor who passed out for an hour or two and needs to make up for lost time. The time: just after 9:00 PM, or 12:00 if you're in a different part of the globe. The place: the den of scum and villainy itself, Albuquerque. 32nd most populated city in the United States, and the most populated in New Mexico. Founded in 1706, but now home to many modern companies for technology and gourmet cuisine, and likely full of many other interesting details not on the first section of its Wikipedia entry. Regardless, on this particular night, and probably on a lot of other nights, the scum of the city run rampant. Free to sate their horrid desires through theft, murder, and jaywalking.

The city needs a savior. But who? Turn your gaze, if you will, to the roof of the 500 Marquette, the fourth tallest building in Albuquerque. On it, two unlikely allies sit and contemplate matters of the world.

"Truly a perplexing confectionary my good friend, tell me, what do you call it again?"

The first vagabond speaks. A man far from his home, but always in the presence of friends. Despite the tinted glass of his visor, his kind face can almost be made out. Of course, not by his companion, who responds, as always, oblivious to all details.

"Tha right thare's a wat we call a Bloomin' Onion. Top ah tha line Aussie meal!"

Dear god, is that really his voice? Sorry, that just sent me for a loop. Can you give me just a second?

Is this really the best we could get? Sure it's been slow lately, but there has to be something.

…

Yeah, I know, but

…

Well there's no need to be harsh about it

…

Fine, I'll do it.

My apologies about that. Now, turn your attention, if you will, to the conference between these two figures of power, both with their own discrete agendas, which over the course of the back and forth dance of persuasion they will subtly manipulate the other into obeying.

"Kindly sir, will you aid me in fighting the Moon Monsters?"

Or not.

"Wat in tha name a' Edmund Bahton is a Moon Monstah?"

"I see. I seek your forgiveness in the haste of my inquiry. I hail from a land far from here."

"Me too mate. I'm from down undah."

"I, on the other hand, am from up over. The moon that rises over this city is my home, and this home is under threat. Monstrosities are attacking my people, and so I as the Moon Champion have come to this planet seeking warriors to save my people. Will you join me in this quest?"

With such a significant question, posing a potential great burden, any reasonable listener would take time to contemplate the ramifications of their decision.

"Sounds cool mate, I'm in."

I'm not even surprised at this point.

"What absolute sublimity! Let us leave right away."

"Sorry mate, yah mean naw? I'd have ta tell my parents first an' ask tha doctahs. They'd be mad if I went an' left tha planet without askin'."

"So, you have certain commitments to this world that you cannot forsake?"

"Well don't everyone? Surely ya got people ya miss a' home?"

But before the star wanderer could give an answer, the beast master noticed a voice calling to him, calling for aid.

"Do ya heah that?"

"Ah yes, the noise of the city. Filled with pedestrians and what your people call 'airplanes'."

"Nah mate, I'm talkin' about tha dinahs. They're callin' ta me."

"I cannot say I am familiar with these 'dinahs', I have always been more partial to dogs myself. But lead the way, brave stranger!"

With that said, the two travelers made their way with haste to the prize jewel of the city, the New Mexico Museum of Natural History and Science, only to witness it ablaze. Some dastardly criminal had set a fire within the building, and it was up to our brave heroes to save the day before everyone's favorite hub of culture and knowledge burned to the ground. The champion picked the Ridah up and flew, albeit in a rather roundabout path, to the scene of the crime.

Upon their arrival, the two saw what appeared to be a fire truck already fighting the blaze. However, as a voice called out from it, they knew it was anything but normal.

"Hey! Get down from there ya flying men, this is no place for civilians!"

"Apologies kind plane, we shall be leaving at once."

"What are ya doin' Moon Man? Hey truck, we're heah ta help!"

The pair set down on the ground beside the vehicular firefighter. All three looked at each other, but only one had a visible set of eyes. The air would be silent if not for all the noise. It was like when you're in a crowded room and everyone just so happens to go quiet at the same time, and no one wants to be the first person to start talking again because your conversation was really weird out of context and you don't want to explain to everyone why you know the name of the first convicted cannibal in Colorado, Alferd Packer. So you all just sit around until one annoying kid shouts "awkward!" and you hate that kid, but you also acknowledge that without their help, you would be trapped in that state for the rest of your natural life, so you have to give him some begrudging level of respect.

Yeah, it was a lot like that. Everyone waiting for the least tactful person to make a move.

"G'day mate! My name's Grant, but ya can call me tha Dinah Ridah."

And there he is.

"I'm Bigg Redd, if you're here to help, then do it already!"

"And I am the Moon Champion. I'm looking for brave warriors to help me save my land from—"

"Quit your yapping and get in there! These fires aren't going to stop themselves."

"I'll take that as a maybe!"

So, the two non-mechanical individuals ran into the burning building, right past the ticket booth. They, of course, left money to be collected in the morning to pay for their admission, $7.00 for the terrestrial man and $6.00 for the lunar one (senior discount). However, while the fire was coming from upstairs, as the two went into the atrium, they saw signs tempting them away from their goal.

The trainer of ancient beasts saw, just past the stairs to the left, a sign pointing to the Fossilworks. Drawn by a force he couldn't describe, he walked down the hallway past the temporary exhibit on the history of chocolate and into the treasure trove. New Mexico, had a wide array of fossils on display at this museum. Feeling the heat and the smoke slowly fill the room, he became concerned for their well being.

A nurturing soul at heart, one who cares deeply about these prehistoric animals, the gentle man reached out his hand to soothe the fossils. Shells, ferns, and plaster casts of femurs, all dinosaurs to him, all scared and huddled together as he carefully reassured them. "It'll be alright mates. It'll all be alright."

Down the other path, in a straight line from the entrance, the other individual saw strange images of his homeland. As he walked, not entranced, but curious, into the large dark room, the dome at the top sprung to life and a mechanical voice began to speak.

"Our moon."

"Your moon? Ah, I see, a fellow traveller from my home land. Fear not, for I, Moon Champion, am here to aid you."

"Called by the ancients by many names, including Selene, Luna, and Mani. Seen by us every night, but how much do we really know about our closest neighbor in the sky?"

"While these humans may be ignorant, you and I know a great deal, do we not?"

Images of the moon's surface began to move across the dome of the planetarium. The screen slowly zoomed in on craters and mountains, confusing the sole witness in the room.

"Over 200,000 miles away, and yet close enough to control the planets tides every day."

"Very interesting."

The champion took a seat in one of the many empty chairs and craned his neck upward to watch the presentation.

Suddenly, a great crash could be heard from upstairs. The one watching a presentation was unconcerned, but the one who had something to fight for ran up to see what was happening.

"Sweet Sydney Opera House!"

What he saw was the fire truck he spoke with earlier. On the second floor. Hosing down a scrawny man in a hoodie.

"How dare you try to spread the scourge of fire to this beautiful city!"

"What are ya doin' mate? How did ya even get heah?"

"That's what the ladder's for. The better question is why weren't you here already? You don't seem to have the guts to do what needs to be done."

"At least stop sprayin' tha kid!"

"Only when he's ready to talk."

The spray stopped and the hose bearer quickly turned towards the criminal with a loud scrape and crack of the floorboards.

"So kid, how are you feeling? Ready to give up Mr. Burns?"

"I don't know who the hell you're talking about."

Another spray of water hit his face as the truck shouted.

"Lies won't save you!"

"Mate, I don' think he's lyin'."

"A likely story"

"Can ya jus' let tha guy explain?"

"Fine."

And so, the room went silent as the drenched boy caught his breath and centered himself. He only had one opportunity to make his case, so he wasn't going to waste it. Four years of drama club had trained him for this moment, so he took a deep breath and began.

"Chocolate."

Right off the bat he botches it. But apparently one bad turn deserves another, so he picked up the metaphorical shovel and started digging himself further into this hole.

"Have you seen the ways chocolate is made? Horrifying conditions, immoral labor practices. I saw all about it in this new documentary. "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory". Did you see that chocolate river? Not a single handrail! As an OSHA inspector I will not stand for it."

…

The shorter of the two heroes responded.

"So wat's tha' have ta do with this mate?"

"Didn't you see downstairs? There's a whole exhibit on both floors dedicated to the history of chocolate."

"So?"

"So I decided to set it on fire."

The mechanical fire fighter replies.

"I can't see how that could possibly drive you to using the tools of the enemy."

"I don't see what you're not getting here. I'm the good guy! I was concerned about the health and safety of the workers in chocolate factories, so I set fire to a building. That way, they'll have to close the exhibit."

"Mate, they're already closin' it."

"Really?"

"Yes you blasted fire sympathizer. It's March 12th, they're changing it tomorrow."

"Aw beans, and after all this prep I did. Do you know how hard it is to make a Molotov cocktail? Bartender's bibles don't cover it, and I'm pretty sure if I Googled it I'd get on a watchlist."

"I think it's boutta be a lot worse than a watchlist for ya, mate."

"Not if I can help it, you'll never take me alive!"

The desperate individual proceeded to jump out of the window and try to run away down the street before collapsing due to the pain of fracturing both his ankles. Then, he was picked up and lifted off the ground like a family pet yanked up by a child that is far too young to know how to treat animals.

"Hello fellow warriors, I have returned from my educational journey!"

As the extraterrestrial spoke, the culprit turned away from the judgmental eyes. Both because he was in excruciating pain and because the last words he said were so exceedingly stupid.

"Ya'll nevah take me alive, really mate?"

"Look, it sounded better in my head."

"Where were you astro-boy? Fleeing like a coward when you were needed most?"

"Did you know the Moon's surface is primarily silicates, but it has some heavier metals due to asteroid impacts?"

"Of course, everyone knows that. Don't think that just because you've gone on the beautiful and life-changing journey that is the New Mexico Museum of Natural History and Science's planetarium presentation that you're off the hook."

The no-longer-dripping-wet-but-still-damp boy spoke up.

"Can you put me down? This is really starting to hurt."

The source of his no-longer-dripping-wet-but-still-damp-ness replied

"Consider yourself lucky we're leaving you here for the cops. They're a lot kinder to you fire people than I am. But I've got more important places to be."

"Of course! I, Moon Champion, shall accompany you so that you may more swiftly come with me and aid my homeland."

"I'll come with ya, I guess. But 'fore the cops get 'ere I do 'ave one thing I'd like to try…"

In an apartment building on the other end of the breathtaking city of Albuquerque, a site director is relaxing by watching the news after a long day of work. However, there is never rest for the weary, as they receive a call on their phone about a matter of the utmost importance.

"A breach? How many injured? Have the agents been called?"

Well, maybe not that important.

"Oh, it's just them. How did they even get out?"

…

"That is simultaneously very interesting and answers any lingering questions I had about the situation."

…

"Well we should still get an information control team out there with amnestics. Don't want any credible witnesses spreading stories."

It was at that point that the news happened to play a clip from an interview with a local arsonist that caught the eye of the director.

"So, you're telling us that after you had been arrested by the flying astronaut and sentient fire truck, Crocodile Dundee started doing donuts in the parking lot on top of an alamosaurus fossil?"

"Yes, the pride and joy of the New Mexico Museum of Natural History and Science, and they rode it like it was a pony at a state fair."

"Very interesting, and is that why you decided to set fire to the building?"

"No, of course not, that was as a statement against the horrible criminal that is Willy Wonka."

"I see."

As the interviewer glanced at the cameraman to come up with an excuse to get out of the situation, the director put her phone back to her ear.

"On second thought, they deserve a day off."