Agent, Father, Motherfucker: Alto Clef, in memoriam - SCP Foundation

On August 12th, 2017 at 7am, Agent Alto Clef was killed in a fatal car wreck, which, most people would agree, was quite a lovely thing.

One of our own has passed.

Posted by Dr. Simon Glass

It has come to our attention that Dr. Alto Clef was involved in a car accident this weekend on his way home from a mission in London, Ohio. At this time, staff is still confirming the course of events that lead to this outcome.

Discussion (1) ¬

Dr. Simon Glass

Aug 12, 2017, 4:52 pm | Reply

The Department of Psychology is available for employees in need of counseling during this time.

~ Dr. Glass

CLEF IS FUCKING DEAD

Posted by Dr. Yaoi

March 20, 1963 - August 12, 2017

I just heard that Clef died in a car crash this weekend. I couldn't find much information on the circumstances but I thought it would be appropriate to pay our respects to one of our own.

Discussion (338) ¬

Jay Everwood

Aug 12, 2017, 7:12 pm | Reply

Did you know that world-renowned agent Alto Clef once died in a car crash? Just something to consider.

Agent Ricardo Atter

Aug 12, 2017, 7:16 pm | Reply

No he ain't, he owes me 5$

Dr. Mann

Aug 12, 2017, 7:22 pm | Reply

It appears he failed to clear his debt with me before he had to leave this mortal coil.

Alas, may it serve him well as he meets the ferryman.

Agent Adams

Aug 12, 2017, 7:25 pm | Reply

He still hasn't repaid me from last weeks poker. Asshole, I knew he wasn't good for it

Agent Juke

Aug 12, 2017, 7:35 pm | Reply

Interesting way to get out of child support.

Researcher Halloway

Aug 12, 2017, 8:16 pm | Reply

How many of us has he stiffed?

Dr Jeremiah Cimmerian

Aug 13, 2017, 8:19 am | Reply

A reminder that nicknames such as "Alternative Credit", "Broke Bastard" and "Gambling Debt over 9000" are offensive toward the deceased, however accurate that number might appear to be.

Dr. Testy

Aug 12, 2017, 7:52 pm | Reply

I just want to express how annoyed I am at all of this. This event is not necessary. You've interrupted the season finale of Criminal Minds. Clef's death was neither near nor relevant to me, and you've ruined my evening.

Thaddeus Xyank

Aug 12, 2017, 7:11 pm | Reply

AGAIN?!

Agent Dmitri Arkadeyevich Strelnikov

Aug 12, 2017, 9:03 pm | Reply

To be or not be, that is question here too. Weather is noble in mind to suffer strings and arrows of expand

Agent Dmitri Arkadeyevich Strelnikov

Aug 12, 2017, 9:16 pm | Reply

Rosy by other name also smells. Of course, Alto no rose — except prickly. And with expand

Agent Dmitri Arkadeyevich Strelnikov

Aug 12, 2017, 10:56 pm | Reply

Rose wilt, and wilt thou be gone? Ah, there is a rub. For what it is comes expand

Agent Dmitri Arkadeyevich Strelnikov

Aug 12, 2017, 11:01 pm | Reply

The fair Alto? Bastard in his naming. Be all his sins remember.

Dr. Rev R. Rent

Aug 12, 2017, 8:23 pm | Reply

RIP Clef. Gone, but not forgotten, and not missed either.

Researcher Neil Ghost

Aug 12, 2017, 8:36 pm | Reply

RIP. Its frankly amazing he lasted this long.

Agent Job

Aug 12, 2017, 8:42 pm | Reply

I thought he died 10 months ago?

Anonymous

Aug 12, 2017, 8:42 pm | Reply

i heard he died of ligma

Agent Flo

Aug 12, 2017, 8:53 pm | Reply

I don't know about the rest of you, but I took out a $100,000 insurance policy on his ukulele so I'm feeling pretty good right now.

Hana Thompson

Aug 12, 2017, 8:54 pm | Reply

The King of RBF is dead. I look forward to eating my lunch without someone mean mugging me from across the cafeteria. Jerk.

Dr. Gears

Aug 12, 2017, 10:15 pm | Reply

very sadp ost imso sorry for family lol 😂

Dr Faget

Aug 12, 2017, 10:41 pm | Reply

Who the hell is this clown?

Chelsea Elliot

Aug 12, 2017, 10:53 pm | Reply

You know, I've been hearing that name all morning, and I refuse to learn who this Clef is.

Anonymous

Aug 12, 2017, 10:53 pm | Reply

not a lot of people know this, but he actually preferred el clefe

Agatha Rights

Aug 13, 2017, 03:00 am | Reply

See you in hell, space cowboy.

Goldbaker-Reinz Ltd.

Aug 13, 2017, 3:01 am | Reply

We have performed a review of your policy per clause SCP-6987-E16 and determined that Agent Alto Clef does not meet our definition of essential or specialized personnel. We would also like to remind the Foundation that per clause SCP-6987-E17 all personnel deaths must occur either on an official Foundation site or during an official Foundation sanctioned mission. As such, we can reward no payment at this time.

Thank you for your attention.

-Goldbaker-Reinz Ltd.

Dr Trebuchet

Aug 13, 2017, 6:21 pm | Reply

The poll gave some surprising results. I had you pegged for an 8th Circler for sure.

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Dir. Sophia Light

Aug 13, 2017, 8:16 pm | Reply

I'd like to remind all personnel that the death of Dr. Clef is not an opportunity to acquire his office supplies.

My condolences to his family.

Dr. R. Ton

Aug 12, 2017, 8:18 pm | Reply

Saw a lovely piece of cheese in his desk drawer

EDIT: DO NOT OPEN THERE WAS A TRAP!!!

Agent Fling

Aug 12, 2017, 8:20 pm | Reply

His Pencil Sharpener Has Seen Things

Dr. Ida Karjala

Aug 12, 2017, 8:25 pm | Reply

i tried to identify where that general stench of decay was coming from in there but had no luck. i think it's in the walls.

Prof. Dr. Luca Armaros

Aug 13, 2017, 9:22 pm | Reply

Alto and I never truly saw eye to eye — both physically and mentally. Spending time with him was a true challenge of human nature, and an opportunity for personal growth. He taught me patience, self-restraint, and showed me enormous depths of self-control I had not been aware I was capable of. He was a shining example, one that showed us the importance of cologne and regular showers, as well as the joy in wearing whatever you feel comfortable in. At the end of the day, the world is a different place without him, and I can't say my life will be the same. He truly has left an impression on all of us.

Agent Draven Rodríguez-Kondraki

Aug 13, 2017, 10:10 am | Reply

They should've never given back your license.

In Memoriam of Clef

Something deep

zchzzzzzzzzzzzzzz2222111111.. 2222111

Dr. Heather Garrison

Aug 13, 2017, 10:16 pm | Reply

Seriously? I can't fucking believe you idiots, the Foundation would never *actually* allow a secret hidden Site where the anomalies run things, and the 'Foundation' is the real anomaly.

You really think that?

Dr. Heather Garrison

Aug 13, 2017, 11:57 pm | Reply

It appears I was replying to the wrong post. My bad.

It doesn't make me less right, though.

Intern Casey

Aug 13, 2017, 8:13 am | Reply

Hooray! No more time in the ukulele room!

Agent Sharpe

Aug 13, 2017, 8:37 am | Reply

Guess he really got himself in treble this time, eh?

Prof. Dr. Kain Crow

Aug 13, 2017, 9:33 am | Reply

The water dispenser in the East Wing is malfunctioning.

Rikki Rodríguez

Aug 13, 2017, 9:36 pm | Reply

Kain dear, this is a memorial thread for Alto.

You should go to s/maintenaince for repair requests.

Prof. Dr. Kain Crow

Aug 13, 2017, 9:41 am | Reply

Oh gosh golly, how awful of me. My deepest apologies and sincerest condolences.

Dreadful business. Absolutely dreadful.

Prof. Dr. Kain Crow

Aug 13, 2017, 9:41 am | Reply

s/maintenaince

The water dispenser in the East Wing is malfunctioning.

Researcher Rex

Aug 13, 2017, 10:01 am | Reply

This is so sad, Alexa play Despacito!

Agent Lament

Aug 13, 2017, 10:41 am | Reply

Can't believe he died in a car crash. What a way to go.

Rest in peace, old man.

Nottellingyou

Aug 13, 2017, 10:43 am | Reply

thats becaus thats what they want you to think

its code

Anonymous

Aug 13, 2017, 10:43 am | Reply

i heard its code for ligma

Dr. Ethan Aldrich

Aug 13, 2017, 10:56 am | Reply

Of all the prepared Death Certificates we had for him, can't believe the car crash stuck

Agent Carissa Decimus

Aug 13, 2017, 10:58 am | Reply

Alright fess up. Which one of you assholes did this before I could? There's no way this motherfucker went down in a traffic accident. Now I'm out six months worth of art supplies.

Professor M.

Aug 13, 2017, 11:07 am | Reply

For once, not it.

Dir. Vincent Bohart

Aug 13, 2017, 11:03 am | Reply

Bet he was texting and driving.

Agent Job

Aug 13, 2017, 11:08 am | Reply

wouldnt be surprised if he was, you know..

::420::

Dr Jeremiah Cimmerian

Aug 13, 2017, 7:03 pm | Reply

A reminder that speculating on the substance use or abuse of another colleague is inappropriate behaviour. Likewise, nicknames such as "Altoid Clef" and "Type Green Expert" are inappropriate, however accurate they may be.

Dr. Jonathan A. King

Aug 13, 2017, 02:07 pm | Reply

Clef? Of all people? Are you sure that it wasn’t Gerald in a Hawaiian shirt? Are you SURE you’re sure?

Dr. Rodney Gerald

Aug 13, 2017, 02:44 pm | Reply

I swear it wasn’t me! I’ve heard people talking all morning, and I don’t even know what Clef’s car looks like!

Anonymous

Aug 13, 2017, 02:44 pm | Reply

i confess, it was mee

i cut his brakes drank the fluid

Diogenes - HR

Aug 13, 2017, 02:53 pm | Reply

HR would like to remind all personnel that jokes about having committed acts of homicide against fellow employees will be treated as confessions and investigated as such.

Diogenes - HR

Aug 13, 2017, 02:54 pm| Reply

Also, SCiPPit isn't really anonymous. Try to at least be original, Wyatt.

Technician Mopper

Aug 13, 2017, 03:23 pm | Reply

We at the UFJS would like to extend our sincere condolences for the loss of Dr. Alto Clef.

The UFJS would also like to extend its sincere gratitude to the driver of the other car. We would all like to buy you a drink.

- Union of Foundation Janitorial Staff

Tilda Moose

Aug 13, 2017, 05:36 pm | Reply

This may be the work of a Nälkän sect.

There's powerful carnomancy at play.

Dr Rupert Chomsky

Aug 13, 2017, 06:14 pm | Reply

Bah! The blasted bastard's kicked the bucket and is well out of Wellington. Oh well, never grokked his gab anyway!

Diogenes - HR

Aug 13, 2017, 07:19 pm | Reply

My thoughts are with his family. He is surely hard to replace.

Dr. Yaoi

Aug 14, 2017, 02:54 am | Reply

I made the thread gay. It's what he would've wanted.

Dr. Draws

Aug 14, 2017, 03:01 pm | Reply

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Agent Fling

Aug 14, 2017, 07:06 pm | Reply

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Dr Faget

Aug 14, 2017, 07:06 pm | Reply

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Dr. Heather Garrison

Aug 14, 2017, 07:07 pm | Reply

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Dr Mann

Aug 14, 2017, 07:08 pm | Reply

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Agent Draven Rodríguez-Kondraki

Aug 14, 2017, 07:08 pm | Reply

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Audio Transcript

DATE: 15 AUG 2017

NOTE: Recording of phone call to Dir. Light's office

ATTENDING:

Director Sophia Light

Agent Alto Clef

[BEGIN LOG]

LIGHT: Who is this?

CLEF: SOPH! Finally.

LIGHT: Alto?

CLEF: Been walking for bloody miles. Signal's absolute shite out here.

LIGHT: Are you —

CLEF: I tried Konny but he's not answering, unsurprisingly. Then I tried Adams, but Strel answered and just started wailing about Hamlet's father. What the hell's gotten into y'all?

LIGHT: You're alive?

CLEF: … yes?

LIGHT: We found your car several days ago, covered in bloody remains. We searched the area and —

CLEF: Yeah I ran into a boar. Or a bear. I don't fucking know. Fucking Ohio.

LIGHT: Some people assumed —

CLEF: Assumed what?

[A pause]

CLEF: Assumed what, Sophia?

LIGHT: Well, I'm sure they will be relieved to hear the good news. I'll arrange a pickup.

[Several pings are heard through the line.]

CLEF: Wait I think I just got internet again.

[Several seconds of silence.]

CLEF: For Christ sake.

CLEF: Christ.

CLEF: You didn't tell my daughter, did you?

CLEF: SOPHIA!

[Phone call ends]

[END LOG]