Dr. Cimmerian vs the Grinch - SCP Foundation

Christmas Eve, Dr. Cimmerian's House…

All the staff at the Foundation liked Christmas a lot…

But Jeremiah Cimmerian of the Ethics Committee did NOT!

Cim hated Christmas! The whole damn season!

If you're wondering why, there's a pretty good reason.

When Cim was a child, Christmas gave him a fright,

On holiday's eve, getting tucked in at night.

There was a loud CRASH, a BANG, and a FALL!

And on the next morning, there was no Christmas at all!

No tree, no presents, they had all disappeared!

A curious case, unsolved for years.

So he sat in his cave in a furious rage.

"19's Christmas party planner? That'll be the day!"

He knew all the staff at 19 beneath,

Were busy now, hanging their Christmas wreathes

"There's a secret santa!" he cried, as he chugged another beer,

"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's the worst time of the year!"

Cimmerian pouted, with his large fingers drumming,

"I MUST find a way to stop Christmas from coming!"

For tomorrow, he knew all the Foundation's personnel,

Would get a day off! They'd be backed up to hell.

And then! Oh, the music! The music just sucked!

The same 5 songs made him want to collide with a truck!

Then the Staff, young and old, would talk about their kids.

Their families, how they celebrated, every last thing they did!

Cimmerian was lonely, and he liked it that way!

He could make YouTube videos for fun every day!

And then there was the thing he liked least of all.

All staff at -19, the tall and the small,

Would throw a Christmas party, with feasting and singing!

A Gingerbread contest? His alarm bells were ringing.

And the more Cim thought of this Christmas partying,

The more Cim thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"

"Why, for forty-some years I've put up with it now!"

"I MUST stop this party from happening. But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

JEREMIAH CIMMERIAN GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do! I've done it before!"

"Six hundred and fifty, no less and no more!"

He chuckled and clucked, "What a Cimmerian-trick!"

"It's brash, it's bold, and Cimmerian-slick!"

"Wait, what was that?" Cim looked around.

He could have sworn that he heard a loud banging sound!

His worries were heightening as he crept from his bed,

While visions of burglary danced in his head!

He tip-toed to the living room, prepared to attack,

But when he saw what he saw, he tried to turn back!

A naked, green… thing was crouched on the ground,

Who met Cim's gaze with a prodigious, green frown.

Cim looked to his right, and what a sight did he see!

This furry green fucker was decorating a tree!

With tinsel and lights and ornaments galore,

There were dozens of presents, all set on the floor!

"And who the hell are you?" Cimmerian hissed.

The creature jumped up, and Cim's chin met its fist.

His face stung red, that was no mere pinch!

"I'll give you a hint. I'm the motherfucking Grinch."

"I used to hate Christmas, and what I say is true,"

"It was ME who once stole that Christmas from you!"

Cimmerian's mouth had morphed to an 'O'

His blood boiled red, he was ready to go!

"But Cim, I've changed! Christmas is most pleasant!"

"So I've come back here to give you some presents!"

But Cim wouldn't listen to that ugly green bum,

He hated Christmas for sure, and he was drunk off the rum.

"Get your ass out my house!" The alcohol spoke,

And then the Grinch realized Cim was no joke!

The Grinch put his hands up, "At least can we talk?"

As if from thin air, Cim whipped out his Glock!

When Cim pulled the trigger, there was a blinding flash!

Did it hit? Was there a pile of Grinchy Who-Ash?

But the smoke cleared— the Grinch dodged Cim's attack!

"If this is what you want," The Grinch said, "Let's dance."

A salvo of bullets, which the Grinch dodged with ease.

He ran across the room, and ducked behind the tree!

Fighting was something the Grinch came to love,

And he was no bitch when push came to shove!

As Jeremiah reloaded, the Grinch leapt fast,

With his Grinchy Kung-Who, he'd whip Cim's ass!

He kicked away the gun - disarming was no bother!

As the two exchanged blows, their fighting spirits grew hotter!

A left hook from Cim! A block from the Grinch!

A sharp Christmas Jab! A sweeping right kick!

The two thought swiftly, and moved very quick,

Until the Grinch keeled over from Cim's kick-the-dick-trick!

"It's over, I've won, you merry-making bastard!"

"You're pathetically weak, and I beat you while plastered!"

The Grinch regained his senses, (except in his crotch)

And mentally prepared to turn up a notch.

He began with a flip that hit Cim in the face.

It carried the strength of the whole Who race!

"Taste my Grinch fingers!" He said, quite hostile,

And shoved his green talons up Dr. C's nostrils!

But Cim pushed back, and though it hurt bunches,

He proceeded to deal out 650 punches!

Hit after hit, the Grinch only felt pain.

He thought to himself, "I must win this foul game!"

The Grinch caught Cim's fist, "I was saving this for later."

And later was now! "Say hello to my Lightsaber!"

It was candy-cane colored, an elegant weapon.

Would Cimmerian lose? There would be no question!

A swing from above caught Cim off guard,

But in the heat of the moment, Cimmerian dove far!

He landed in a corner, and what did he see?

His trusty old gun, which the Grinch knocked from thee!

Cim shot from behind, and the Grinch failed to notice!

The bullet hit his back, "So happy I didn't blow it!"

The Grinch, poorly wounded, let go of his saber,

And uttered his last words to the Christmas-day hater.

"All I wanted to do, was to show you some cheer,"

"After all, Jeremiah, Christmas comes once a year."

The blade rolled slowly towards Cim's feet,

And he picked it up quickly while gritting his teeth.

"You'll never change my mind," Cimmerian said,

And as the blade connected it lopped off the Grinch's head!

He sighed with relief. How hard he had fought!

"You're wrong about Christmas, you little green twat."