Dr. Cimmerian Is No Longer Allowed To Use Temporal Anomalies In Order To Travel Back in Time So He Can Kill Hitler - SCP Foundation

Thanks to Westrin, RockTeethMothEyes, Connor, DrAnnoyingDog, and Pilz from Discord for looking at this for me and helping me determine if it was too silly or not. I settled on not.

Hope you like it.

▸ More by this Author ◂

F.A.Q.

Dr. Kondraki materialized inside Hitler's bunker wearing a full SS uniform and carrying a Walther P38. He pulled the gun out of the holster and moved towards the steel door in front of him.

"Halt!" came a voice from behind.

He spun around and leveled the pistol. In front of him was Dr. Cimmerian, in a similar outfit, looking very confused.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Kondraki said with a touch of anger in his voice.

"What? Who are you?" Cimmerian's hand rested on his hip.

"Dr. Kondraki, motherfucker. You told me I couldn't go back in time to kill baby Hitler. Which was bullshit cause I hadn't even told anyone I was considering it."

"Oh. Right. I remember you now."

There was a slight pause for several seconds.

Kondraki's eyebrow raised. "Why are you here?"

Cimmerian looked off to the side. "I'm uh, I'm here to stop you from killing Hitler."

"In his bunker? Really? He's gonna be dead in minutes even if I don't do anything. I'd have figured you ethics eggheads would be fine with that." Kondraki trailed off. "Wait. They wouldn't send you to stop me. They'd send like an agent or something."

A small tremor from the battle going on outside rumbled through the floor as the lights flickered.

"Well I mean. Obviously. But I was the only one available for…"

"Bullshit." Kondraki said. "You're here to kill Hitler."

"I am, in fact, here to kill Hitler. Yes."

"Motherfucker. You're late. I called dibs."

"When did you call dibs?"

Kondraki waved his gun in the air. "Like, just now."

Cimmerian pursed his lips. "You can't call dibs on killing Hitler."

Kondraki shrugged. "I mean. We could both kill Hitler."

Cimmerian's nose scrunched up for a few seconds as he considered it. "Right. How do we get through this door?"

The two of them looked at the door. It was made of steel, with no visible hinges.

Kondraki pointed at the door. "I mean we can just bash it down, right?"

They looked at each other and then turned and slammed their shoulders into the door. Both of them bounced off one after the other with a grunt and grimace.

Kondraki clenched his teeth to speak. "Ok that's a strong door."

Cimmerian grabbed his right shoulder with a gloved hand. "Yup. Strong door. Ow."

"I think maybe we need to coordinate better. If we hit it at the same time we might get it."

Cimmerian nodded. "You wanna go on three?"

They both readied themselves and Kondraki started to count. "Ok. One. Two-"

"Wait wait." Cimmerian interrupted. "Are we going on three or is it like 'One, Two, Three, Go'?"

"We go on three."

They got ready again and Kondraki counted. "One. Two. Three."

As they both put their shoulders into the door they bounced off again. This time a loud crack came from the other side. A gunshot.

Both of them closed their eyes and let the pain and failure wash over them. They'd just blown the only chance they had of…

The handle of the unlocked metal door turned. Dr. Clef, in full SS uniform, opened the door from the other side to see both Kondraki and Cimmerian reaching for their shoulders.

Dr. Clef smiled widely. "Ha. Were you guys here to kill Hitler?"