True Stories With Lincoln Smoke #1: Bambousio Starswinger and Comedy Cryptids - SCP Foundation

True Stories With Lincoln Smoke #1: Bambousio Starswinger and Comedy Cryptids

Lincoln: Hello listeners and printed transcript readers! Lincoln Smoke here with a special announcement; in addition to our weekly Parawatch Unsolved Podcasts with Chester Greaze, I’ll be hosting a new podcast! I’ve read your long-winded comments about your own paranormal shenanigans, and the almost-catchphrase “I’d put this tale on the Parawatch Forum, but…”, so I’ve decided to start a smaller podcast focusing on our listening community specifically!

When our monthly episode releases, you’ll be encouraged to leave your stories in the comments section, and the most interesting ones will be read. In addition, there may be special interviews with certain influential figures in anomalous and non-anomalous communities alike! Please welcome today’s guest star, Bambousio Starswinger!

Bambousio: Lincoln, I’ve got to say, it’s a real honor being here. I’m honestly amazed that I’m able to reach such a wide audience on the subject of clown ethics, and it really makes a difference to those experienced in clown care. A lot of times, it boils down to widespread awareness, and I’ll take all the attention I can get.

Lincoln: Yup! Glad to help, Bambousio. I’ve heard of your influential essays on the state of the clown community, and I thought it’d be nice to lend you the spotlight tonight. Although, if I’m correct, you did have something else to discuss with us. Mind sharing what, exactly?

Bambousio: Oh yeah, certainly. I’m here to talk about clown cryptids. Have you heard of those through Parawatch, or do I need to fill you in?

Lincoln: Is that like, Clown Ness Monster, or…

Bambousio: Nope! There’s a few clown cryptids that might be out there, but here’s the thing about all of them; their existence is extremely debated by various figures. So Lincoln, for a moment, what can you think of that’s close to the Loch Ness Monster, but they’re confirmed to exist?

Lincoln: Well, those swimmy dinosaurs come to mind, but they’re all dead.

Bambousio: Exactly, those creatures are real, but you’ll only see bones in museums. What makes clown cryptids so special is that their real-world-counterparts are everywhere.

Lincoln: Mind elaborating on that?

Bambousio: Well, let’s say you see a weird clown in the woods. You’d probably assume it’s an unlicensed breed that the owner’s letting run loose, and as irresponsible as it is, it’s not too out of the ordinary. However, if you saw a living dinosaur, it would totally be a cryptid. The difference is, with a clown cryptid it’s hard to prove that it’s even a cryptid in the first place, since there’s just so many weird clowns out there.

Lincoln: Huh. So, what would make an otherwise-odd clown supernatural?

Bambousio: It’s complicated, and that’s exactly the reason why I wanted to bring this subject up. There’s only a few confirmed clown cryptids that have been agreed upon, which I’ll be covering today.

Lincoln: Fascinating. I do have one question though; Some of our viewers may not be entirely familiar with the clown industry. Would you mind elaborating on what these clowns actually are?

Bambousio: No. Anyways, the first clown I’m going to cover is The Golden Clown. The golden clown shines rainbows across the lands, and gives children wishes…

Lincoln: And?

Bambousio: I learned that in college.

Lincoln: That’s certainly interesting. Are there special colleges for people interested in clown care?

Bambousio: Well, yes. There’s clown colleges. Those are a thing. It’s where you learn about clowns, like the next clown I’m about to describe. Some legends tell of the legendary Headless Clown, a myth in local legend.

Back during the American Revolution, clown soldiers were conscripted by the British to fight the American rebels. These clown soldiers were known to be ruthless and skilled, hitting the enemy with precise pie throws from hundreds of feet away.

However, one clown, after a failed magic trick to entertain their comrades, wound up with a missing head! They ran off into the night, and to this day, some people can see the ghostly, headless clown running away to avoid the embarrassment of messing up a simple magic trick.

Lincoln: Hold on. Let me stop you right there. I don’t think clowns fought in the Revolutionary War. I don’t think clowns fought in any war at all, to be honest.

Bambousio: Oh yes, they did. The Great Clown War was the worst of them all.

Lincoln: Why haven’t we heard about it, exactly?

Bambousio: It’s all a fucking conspiracy.

Lincoln: Um.

Bambousio: God, I remember fighting in the Great Clown War. So much death, fear, and for what? Just a few more inches of ground for the Big Top.

Lincoln: But… You’re not a clown?

Bambousio:: Every last bastard who fought in that war was a clown in one way or another. It doesn’t matter what’s on the outside if your soul’s pale and greasy.

Lincoln: I’m sorry to hear that sir, but-

Bambousio: Shut your fucking mouth. Hell is the circus, and all the demons are laughing at me. God.

Lincoln: …

Bambousio: I feel myself inside those cars. Those little cars packed so tightly a man can’t even chuckle. We’d all pile out, throwing pies, banana peels, and circus peanuts at the enemy. They’d all throw shit back at us, we were just the same to them. Laughing stock.

Lincoln: …

Bambousio: Maybe the audience was the real enemy. The people who sat back and watched the show unfold. They laughed at us, Lincoln.

Lincoln: …

Bambousio: They laughed and clapped like we were some kind of joke. A joke at our expense.

Lincoln: Are you alright? If you need to talk to someone, I’m here to listen when we’re off the air.

Bambousio: Anyways, back to clown cryptids! Did you know that the Orange Spotted Cadaver Clown digests its hosts from the inside? I hope you’re digested from the inside, Lincoln you whiny little bit-

Lincoln: And that's all the time we have for now!

EDIT: Okay, so Bambousio actually reached out to us, and asked us to not use his likeness in such a “fake” and “off-brand” manner. Apparently, the person who we had on this show last week wasn’t Bambousio, and we’re not sure who they actually are! It’s a mystery as to how they managed to fool us in the few days leading up to the interview, but we can assure you, we won’t let it happen again.