And Now, Our Feature Presentation... - SCP Foundation

Hello, everyone. If you could please take a seat, we can get started.

Right.

Ahem.

For a few minutes, on the 27th of April 1986, a Floridian satellite operator, pissed at the cost of HBO's pricing, was able to hijack their eastern coast feed with a message of protest, threatening to do the same to Showtime.

He was caught by the Federal Trade Commission before he could make good on his threat.

A year later, on the 22nd of November 1987, the signals of two Chicago television affiliates were taken over, subjecting people to a man in a rubber Max Headroom mask dancing in front of sheet metal, making pop culture references, before having his ass smacked with a fly swatter by a French maid.

Despite the FCC's and federal investigators' best efforts, no one knows who did it to this day.

Broadcast signal intrusion. Pirate television. Radio jamming. These have all been concerns ever since the public was first able to afford the equipment necessary to do so. Normally, it is left in the hands of the FCC, Ofcom, whichever regulator outside the Veil has jurisdiction over the affected territories.

However, there are always the incidents that, obviously, they cannot handle.

Take, for example, a fiasco that took place in 2003 in Parker, Arizona. Hundreds of children, expecting to see the premiere of a new episode of SpongeBob, instead literally lose a half hour of their life when the transmission is overridden and shows a Noospheric infohazard that briefly, mercifully, leaves them comatose.

Or in 2014, when a cross-dimensional bleed results in Emergency Alert Systems across Utica, New York's radio waves warning its citizens that the sun is about to go supernova within 24 hours, causing widespread riots and hundreds of millions of dollars in property damage before the Foundation is able to intervene.

Or how a advertising war between Westhead Media and Vikander-Kneed in the greater Wisconsin-Ontarian area, across TV and radio, in 2023 nearly culminates in a Broken Masquerade Scenario.

These aren't things that can simply be dealt with viewer complaints or fines.

That is where Suppression and Archival Site-247, and by extension the Department of Anomalous Broadcasting, steps in. With the cooperation of numerous broadcasting regulators across the globe, some of the most powerful signal retrieval equipment on (and off) the market, and the tireless work that Stationary Task Force Pi-247 "…Calling All Stations…"—

…What?

"Why did we name it after the worst Genesis album?"

Because the Department of Virology's task force already called dibs on "In the Air Tonight."

…Guess formality is out the window now, innit?

Anyway, we aren't just paid to sit around and watch TV or listen to the Top 40 all day, on the off-chance of finding something anomalous. "Broadcasting" also extends to the web, so we also cooperate with Site-15 in suppressing anything weird that crops up on Youtube, Twitch, TikTok, you name it. Don't even get me started on how many Urban Exploration channels nearly stumble upon old Foundation bases…

And while I can't say too much about it, given most of the details are above even my clearance level, Dr. Ray Erstwhile and the fine folks in Paratelecommunications are making amazing progress on something that will revolutionize inter-Foundation correspondence and encryption. So, for those of you assigned to that sector…you lucky bastards.

Hmm?

Oh.

Speaking of the good doctor, allow me to introduce to you some of the other key staff members you'll become acquainted with during your tenure at the Department.

Gastone U. Kyrie, our esteemed Director, and who to report your coworker to if they're watching the game instead of looking for Veil breaches. Let me nip two buds right away for everyone. One: Yes, he has heard all of the jokes about his first name. Every. Last. Joke. So if you think you're being clever asking if he's good at expectorating…you're not. Two: No, we don't know what the U stands for. He's said every single one of our guesses is wrong, and he's not going to correct us.

Amelie Nyka is our Lead Researcher. For those of you who transferred from Site-15, yes, they're related. No, she does not think Jacques' band is good, either. If Director Kyrie is not available for you to inform about your colleagues slacking off, she is your next best bet. And of course, if it weren't for her, negotiations between the Foundation and the French ARCOM would have been much more difficult.

Don't worry folks, we're almost done! I just need to give a quick rundown of our site's sectors!

We're on the ground floor right now. It doesn't really serve much of a purpose, in the grand scheme of things, other than for us to use as part of our cover as a radio tower station. But the view up here, to the rest of the Aspen Mountains, is gorgeous.

Floor B1 is where our research is focused. Hundreds of us scanning signals, tapping into satellite feeds, acting off of online tips and reports, 24/7-pun intended-and sending things off to our boys in Pi-247 when needed. Amelie's office is in the corner where it smells the most like herbal cigarettes; you can't miss it even if you wanted to.

Floor B2 is our archival area, where we keep copies of all the recordings from our investigations, from one-off Extranormal Events to ongoing Group of Interest campaigns. It's not just short clips here and there, either. We actually have all of Doctor Who's "missing episodes", intact with no cuts, tucked away in a filing cabinet somewhere, because by pure luck a public access television channel in Boston had been broadcasting them nonstop for years, and they'd all been meticulously taped by someone who was trying to get millions from the Beeb in exchange for returning them.

Preservationists would've had a field day, if we hadn't gotten to the guy first! Oh well…

Floor B3 houses our Paratelecommunications division. It's because of their efforts that our comms have only milliseconds of delay, are crystal-clear, and don't get fucked up by all of the Faraday cages that we have laying around here. There's a bunch of more technical information that I could give you about what's down there and their duties, but that's a conversation that'd be better given from Ray.

Finally, there's floor B4. This is where we contain the physical Skips that fall under our purview. There's not that many, given the majority of what we handle are suppressed, recorded, and archived, but it's plenty spacious just in case. Most of them are just old CRT televisions that kept receiving analog signals even after the digital switchover, but we've also got a Fox News satellite that became sentient and nearly made a town in rural California a crater.

Yes, it can communicate, and yes, it's just as racist as you'd expect!

….

Amelie's giving me the "wrap it up" gesture, so that'll do for our little primer. Welcome to Site-247, and the Department of Anomalous Broadcasting. What will we pick up next?

Well, you'll have to stay tuned for that!