Coldposter - SCP Foundation

It took too long but Ruiz did arrive. The wooden Ruiz, not the corpse Ruiz. That one was still in space.

“Alright man. The sculpture is in there.”

Overgang pointed at the abandoned Wendy's.

“I'm not going in though. That thing is freaky. Had me wearing monocles instead of shades.”

Rita chuckled.

“Laugh all you want. Shit’s genuinely scary. But it should be able to help.”

“Alright. I'll be back.” Wooden Ruiz pulled up the collar of his coat and jumped out of the van into the rain, hurrying over into the shady darkness behind the shattered glass doors.

He pushed past the piles of trash into the back where he found what he was looking for.

A dirty, dusty diorama.

A pristine, polished painting.

An amazing, awesome author.

… okay maybe that's too self serving.

A scrawny, scratched sculpture.

Yeah that will do.

The scrawny, scratched sculpture screeched.

“HI THERE, RUIZ. NICE TO MEET YOU.”

“Fuck.” Wooden Ruiz's ears were made of wood. For some reason they still bled.

“SHIT. SORRY DUDE."

Ruiz's ears stopped bleeding.

“SO NICE OF YOU TO COME TO ME FOR ADVICE.”

“Yeah. We are in a bit of pickle so Overgang rec-”

“OH WAIT, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS YET. READ THE PLAQUE.”

“No, I know what you are. You…”

“I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU. READ THE PLAQUE.”

The plaque read.

Meet your author. A Swann piece.

Cool right?

“Okay…” Ruiz read the plaque.

“I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU. ANYWAY. WE CHAT A BIT AND THEN I TELL YOU WHERE TO FIND THE WALRUS. DEAL?”

“… if you stop screeching.”

“Shhlure thing.” slurred the slowly, slalivating1 slulptur2.

“You know if you were looking for your author you are out of luck. It's just me here. Honestly I'd want to meet him too. He's really cool - if a little Random. You're stuck with me for the moment though. How's the War going, btw?”

“If you mean the Glowstick Competition: it is going well. Shouldn't you know that? Also who uses abbreviations while speaking?”

“Well this is written, not spoken and also the War hasn't been written yet.”

The past 8 years vanished and Ruiz lost his hat.

“No I mean like: it has happened to you. It just wasn't written here yet. Pataphysics is like time travel – retrocausal.”

The last 8 years came back and Ruiz got a hat ache. His head was made from wood.

“So how's your new life treating you?”

“Well besides having a frozen zombie imposter it's okay.”

“Figures. I mean your last life was awful. Growing up with Mister Redd? That's fucked man.”

Ruiz got flashbacks.

“Your brother took it well though.”

The Snipper vanished.

“That was a joke.”

The Snipper was a thing again.

“Can't change things too much you know. This is supposed to go into the canon. Which is written by much better authors btw. So don't worry. Well maybe worry. Trauma makes for good drama.”

Ruiz screamed, being dragged through the five (5) dimensions of his past.

“About that. What was that epilogue? With the suicides? I didn't get that. Was that all you?”

Ruiz had killed himself many times.

“But you only died at the start/end of the story.”

Ruiz killed himself with a shower.

“Then again: you did come back.”

Ruiz had risen from his grave. You already knew this. That's what this story is about.

“So best to leave it ambiguous, I suppose.”

Ruiz killed himself at least once. With a shower.

“Chucks, our time/wordcount is almost over/reached. And I did all the talking. Well, no matter. In your world every dialogue is a monologue anyway.”

Ruiz turned to leave the Wendy's.

“Oh and before I forget: here is your piece of plot development.”

Ruiz knew the walrus was at Olive Garden. You know the one.

…

…

…

Go on. Follow the hero protagonist3. I'll stay here.

…

…

…

Is this cool yet?

…

…

…

I really should have gotten feedback first.

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Footnotes

1. I know this is spelled wrong. However: art.

2. See footnote one (1).

3. I stole this joke.