Spicy Crust Platoon - SCP Foundation

Spicy Crust Platoon

Byㅤ Ethagon

Published on 03 Apr 2024 01:03

by Ethagon

Damn it, nobody is picking up — Are you sure you picked the right number? — Of course I did, I—

"Spicy Crust Pizza, what is your emergency?"

Thank god, we're starving here. Wait, Spicy Crust Pizza? We called the Pizza Plaza—

"The Plaza is currently on vacation and they're rerouting their calls to us. We have a system in place with the other pizza services, where-"

Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'd like to order something.

Tim regretted his choice of employment as soon as he saw the black vans in front of the fast-food chain. It would have been too much for the best-paid job in the branch to come without any string attached.

The stench of cheddar welcomed him as soon as he walked through the door.

"Ah, you must be the new hire." The source of the stench walked towards him. "The name is Alphons Clef. I'll be your instructor for the day."

Alphons Clef was wearing a uniform more befitting of a firefighter than a delivery guy. The logo of the Spicy Crust Pizzeria was proudly displayed on his chest.

Tim ignored that. "What, like the music symbol?"

The answer came a bit defensively. "So what? It's a French name."

Tim had no chance to answer as Clef pushed a stack of filled pizza boxes into his hands. "If you can chat, you can carry. Hurry up, we got a job to do."

Clef was already moving towards the door. The boxes were heavier than Tim expected from his last delivery gigs. "Won't I need an, uh- uniform like you?"

"You do, but there's no time. The city is starving and we're the only ones equipped to fill their stomachs." With that, he donned a straw hat and wistfully looked into the afternoon sun, before once again turning to Tim. "Also, under no circumstances should you try to smell the bottom one. The flavour is the only thing you won't forget!"

Clef was out of the door, leaving behind a dumbfounded Tim. If it pays, it pays.

This attitude saved him from being dumbfounded for a second time just moments later when Clef started one of the black vans.

Without comment, Tim put the pizzas in the back and moved to the passenger seat. Clef turned to Tim as soon as he opened the door, the cheer gone from his voice."What you did was an easy mistake to make, but we need to drill those out of you. What is our number one priority?"

"To deliver the pizza?" Tim guessed.

“Deliver to who, Tim?”

"The customer?"

"That's right. The customer is the only one that we're delivering to. Until then nobody is allowed to open the pizza container."

This almost worked Tim up. "If you're thinking I would— "

"It's not you I'm worried about." He started the car. "Now get those pizzas in the front where I can see them."

Tim did as he was told. "Then what's the back for?"

"Distraction." And Clef stepped on the gas.

Seconds later, they had left the parking lot of Spicy Crust Pizzeria behind and were driving through the city at a speed acceptably above the speed limit.

Tim would have rather just endured the ride in silence, but this was his first day and he had the slight feeling he'd have to use any chance he got to ask questions.

"Can I ask a question?"

"Shoot."

"Why are we driving in a van like a hidden government agency?"

Alphons Clef smiled, while speeding past a traffic light still filled with a yellow afterimage. "How long have you worked in the fast food industry?"

Tim opened his mouth.

"Don't answer that. I know all about you. Spicy Crust Pizza only recruits from the best of the best."

Tim closed his mouth, just as Clef made a sharp right-turn.

"It's an intimidation tactic. People won't hold for a pizza delivery car, but they will absolutely stop for a van completely in black. Hmmph."

A red car stole his right of way. "Well, sometimes they will. In any case, it's all about shaving off a few seconds. The customer deserves their pizza as hot as possible, so we'll have to take any chance we get."

"Don't you lose out on advertisement?"

Clef chuckled. "The Spicy Crust needs no advertisement."

Tim wanted to ask a follow-up question when Clef cursed and perfectly slotted the van into a parking lot.

"Didn't you just say we had no time to lose?"

"Shut up, do you see any bikers behind us?"

"Wh—, no I don't. Bikers?"

"The Chili Inferno." Clef looked at a group of bikers turning a corner, before pulling the van out of the parking lot. "They were once part of our chain, but split about our pizza not being hot enough."

"They complained about the pizza chain known for its spicy crust?"

"I know, right? But they wanted more. The whole pizza should be so hot that it hurts." Clef tightened the grip on the wheel. "Idiotic. Only the Crust should be Spicy."

"Uhuh."

"So they split. They're lunatics. On some days I wonder if there wasn't something dark that has corrupted them." Clef looked wistfully out of the window. "Turning our noble goal against us just so they can sabotage our mission."

Tim shook his head. "Can't believe you have beef with another fast food chain."

"Oh, they don't make food."

Tim looked into the rear-view mirror.

"Wow, they're actually trailing us."

"Good. Better they're trailing me than another delivery van."

"Didn't we just hide from them?"

"Shut up, I need to concentrate."

He hit the gas again, this time a bit more above the speeding limit.

Alphons Clef knew this city like the back of his pocket. Unfortunately, so did his opponent. No matter what shortcut he took, the Chili Inferno was close by. But the pizza was running cold. They could no longer delay.

Tim looked again. "Oh hey, they're gone."

"Sure, they are. Give me the pizza that I forbade you to smell." — "The one at the bottom?" — "Yes. If the Inferno returns, don't wait for me. The Navigation Assistant will give you all the information you need. I'll hold them off." — "Yeah, for sure."

Alphons Clef sprinted towards the door and rang the bell. "Is this about that spare ribs incident? I already said I didn't see anything."

Clef rolled his eyes. "Spicy Crust Pizzeria at your service."

The door swung open. "I didn't order any— " As was protocol Clef opened the pizza container and averted his eyes from looking at the pizza. The customer's voice had a sudden change in pitch. "Oh right, my pizza! Thank you for your delivery." — "Happy to help, and always remember— " The door was shut already. "The flavour is the only thing you won't forget."

Clef turned back to the van. The street was still clear.

"Huh, they really pulled away, didn't they?" Clef jumped into the passenger seat. "What are you waiting for? Drive!"

Tim did as he was told. He made the unwise decision of driving exactly at the speed limit.

Clef was about to comment on it when he noticed something. "Pull up."

Tim slotted the van into a parking lot. However, it wasn’t quite as smooth as Clef’s attempt.

"It's Starfish Seafood & Sushi, I thought we had driven them out of this city! Almost missed them, but thankfully you drive slow as hell."

Clef's eyes were transfixed on another delivery car plastered with a poor attempt at advertising seafood pizza 'out of this world'.

"Give me the pizza cutter. It's back with the spare ingredients on your side."

"911, what is your emergency?"

There was a hit-and-run on Heerings Street. It was a pizza delivery car.

"Is anyone hurt? Wait a moment, I'm getting a request to escalate this call. Please hold the line."

Of course.

"This is Agent Henderson from the FBI Unusual Incidents Unit. What was the name of the pizza chain?"

Tim refused to think about the implications of this order as he reached for the pizza cutter. He also refused to recognize what was clearly his supervisor using said pizza cutter to slash the tyres of the competition. He still refused to acknowledge his surroundings as Alphons Clef ran back to the van and screamed something. Only when Clef was already back in the passenger seat did Tim recognize the content of the scream as "CHILI INFERNO!"

Tim stepped on the gas.

The bikers were not far behind.

"I knew it was a setup," said Clef. "Waited till I let my guard down, tricky bastards." Clef pulled out a bunch of prepared sea urchins out of his pocket and grinned manically. "Let's see how they like our Starfish friend's ingredients."

Clef pulled the window down and threw the seafood at their followers.

Tim only briefly let his focus lapse from the road. "Wait, did they put that on pizza like that?"

"Not wondering anymore why we drove them out of town, are you now? Plus they were probably a cult."

A few of the Inferno's employees had been hit by the urchins. Three of them were still following.

Now they were close enough that Tim could get a good look at them. "Where is their pizza?"

"Didn't I tell you?" Alphons Clef unbuckled his seatbelt and moved to the backroom of the van. "They don't make food." He reached for some kind of tube with one hand, the other holding his straw hat. "They steal it."

The back door of the van was thrown open and an Inferno broke loose. The first employee was kicked out of the van just as the second one realised their predicament. "It's Cheddarclef!"

The second worker went right for the eyes, her red right hand full of chilli powder. The third tried to slip past to contaminate the pizza with a spice too hot for the Spicy Crust.

Clef shielded his eyes with his straw hat as he unloaded the contents of the tube on the third Inferno employee. They were completely covered in cheddar that overtook any flavour in the spice they carried.

"You never stood a chance," said Clef as he grabbed the second employee without looking and threw them out of the van. "There isn’t a chilli in the world that’s too hot for my cheddar."

"Fine then," the third worker sneered. "If we can't have your pizza, then no one can."

Sirens sounded in front of them. As Tim looked back the Inferno was gone. Within two seconds Clef had closed the backdoor and put on his seatbelt. "You already slowed down. Good."

The police pulled them over because, of course, the sirens had been for them.

A single agent walked out of the car. His partner apparently didn't bother to get out.

"Clef." — "Henderson." — "Do you know how fast you were going, Clef?" — "Perfectly within speeding limits, Henderson."

Henderson cursed. "Of course you were."

"Can I know what this is about?"

"Someone reported a hit-and-run not far from here involving a certain pizza fast food chain." — "Must have been the Inferno, you know how crazy they are."

"I'm sure you think that," said Henderson. "Now let me search your car."

"Do you have a warrant?"

For a moment Henderson looked perplexed. Then annoyed again. "I don't need a warrant for that!"

The agent opened the backdoor to the van again and climbed inside. Clef gave the pizza boxes to Tim and climbed back to "help" the agent.

Despite Clef's attempts, Henderson found what he was looking for. "Now what do we have here?" With a smug look on his face, Henderson was holding the pizza cutter that Clef had used for something that Tim had refused to acknowledge. "Pray tell me why you need a pizza cutter for delivery."

"It is a Spicy Crust Pizzeria Premium service to have one of our employees cut the pizza for our customers to fully preserve the flavour of our Spicy Crust."

Henderson would not yet relent. "Then I'm sure you can also tell me what these black leftovers on your pizza cutter are. It looks awfully like tyre-black to me."

Clef didn't have a response to that.

Perhaps this was it. The day wasn't even over and Tim had experienced stuff more out there than in any of his prior jobs. Sure, there had been a situation in traffic once or twice, but never something like this. He wasn't sure if he had it in him to do more.

On the other hand, the pay was still the best in the industry. To hell with it.

The ingredients were on his side. He just had to trust in them. As Henderson's attention was still on Clef, it only took a moment for Tim to move the wrong ingredient to the right place.

"Sir, that's not tyre-black. It's clearly olive-black."

He opened the pizza box to reveal a cut pizza now full of black olives. The smug look vanished from the agent's face. Clef jumped on the chance.

"And besides, do you have any proof we are connected to this? I bet whoever called you was the only witness you had. You couldn't find them now if you wanted to."

Henderson scowled. "You win this round, 'Cheddarclef'. I will get you sooner or later. The higher-ups might not believe me, but it's obvious that Spicy Crust Pizzeria is dealing with— " Henderson stopped himself short before sounding out a different way to continue his sentence. "let's say, illicit methods in the business."

"I'll believe it when I see it. Now excuse me, I have a delivery to make."

Henderson drove off and so did they.

"You did good, kid. That was some quick thinking back there."

"You aren't mad I put olives on the pizza?"

"Eh, misorders happen all the time."