Clowncon, Time Clowns and preparations for general temporal tomfoolery: A Guide by Bambousio Starswinger - SCP Foundation

Good evening to you, fellow aspiring ringmasters!

I’m delighted with the amount of traffic my blog has been receiving lately, it really shows there’s a wider community out there who are just as interested in clowns as I am! This brings attention to parts of the clown scene onlookers may not understand, like Clowncon.

‘But Bambousio,’ I hear you say, ‘What on earth is Clowncon?’

Clowncon is an annual convention held by clown owners, for clown owners! People from all around the world can bring themselves and their clowns to the Big Top Convention Centre to show off their pets, make connections and enter their clown into competitions. It’s full of things to do, and you get to see some really handsome clowns.

I remember at Clowncon 2006 I met an owner with a purebred New Hampshire Gnome Clown, which had beautiful plumage and an astounding voice. He said he was entering it into the Talent competition. I almost shed a tear from it’s song, but now is not the time to get emotional. Today, I want to bring awareness to the Time Clown.

The Time Clown: A Disgusting Freak of Nature.

Ringmasters will insist they don’t have favourites, that they ‘love all breeds equally’, but just know they’re lying. As do I. I also have favourites, as well as enemies.

The Time Clown and what it stands for is my nemesis. It was selectively bred to have abnormal abilities around the early 19th century, and since then has been a favourable pet among the richest ringmasters around. They’re hard to get a hold of, not because they’re causing mischief in another dimension, but because they’re damn bloody expensive.

If you own Time Clowns, you are a bitch. No doubt.

Uncalled for? Maybe. But when I start to see discussions of auctioning Time Clowns at this year’s CLOWNCON, it starts to become a problem.

If you don’t know, Time Clowns are a very unstable breed. When you give the embodiment of energy and excitement, clowns, the ability to hop between dimensions and time travel, things get messy. As I have mentioned before, I am against clowns having abnormal abilities or intentional deformities. It was way back then, when Lord Mudder of Castleknock attempted to cross-breed a leprechaun raised in captivity with a native Jack-in-the-box Clown, did we get what is now known as the Time Clown.

Terrible. If I had a Time Clown I’d make it travel to the past to crush a baby Lord Mudder with a hilariously small car.

Anyway, I had heard about people bringing Time Clowns to Clowncon. No big deal, right? IT’S A HUGE DEAL. There are so many things that could go wrong by bringing groups of Time Clowns to Clowncon.

The danger of the Time Clown: What it could mean for the Big Top

First of all, every good clown owner knows bringing Time Clowns together is a bad idea. When you let any clowns of the same calibre run wild, they’re bound to start some trouble. Letting Time Clowns pop in and out of this reality during the convention could scare the other clowns, wreak havoc, and maybe implode the building. They could also mess with the ballpit. Nobody messes with the ballpit.

But why should the rich care? As long as they’re getting money from it, it’s fine, right? What could go wrong? It’s not like it can DESTROY THIS REALITY AS WE KNOW IT! There are countless studies on the effect Time Clowns have on the fabric of reality. My friend is a clown historian (bless him for the info on Lord Mudder!), and was actually able to harness a Time Clown’s temporal leap to research certain events in history. It left him…funny. I’m currently sitting on a whoopee cushion that he had left for me while I type.

I’m almost certain some snob paid off the Big Top hosts, but what does this mean for the centre?

Catastrophe. Calamity. Destruction. Despair. Alphabetical list of words to do with breaking things. All because of greed. Just like that, Big Top’s integrity and the true meaning behind Clowncon is lost.

…But not yet. After this post, I will be setting up a petition for you all to sign and I will also message the hosts of this year’s Clowncon to call off the auction. I would also like you to boycott Clowncon if you can, and refrain from buying mass produced clown milk and meat. Clowns are friends and family. We will not take this squished down into a clown car. We will step out of it, one by one. Together.

If our efforts are wasted, though, and they go ahead with the auction, my best advice is to boycott. Stay at home, and keep your clowns indoors.

-Bambousio Starswinger

Edit: Someone recently asked about the consumption of clown eggs due to my last post. I leave you with this: Have you ever heard of the myth that if you eat a watermelon seed, a watermelon will grow in your stomach? Just heed my warning. Thank you.