Poopstick McGee and the Flying Walruses - SCP Foundation

“Well…” the old man said quietly. “I guess it’s time the charade ended then, isn’t it?”

Director Clef’s eyes betrayed a hint of annoyance at being disturbed that quickly faded… “Hello, Konny,” he said in a bare whisper.

Kondraki dropped into the chair, bushy eyebrows rising slightly, followed by a smile. “I’m glad you remember me, Clef,” he said. “I was worried that you would forget. It’s easy for someone like you to forget things, after all. Are you liking the nice, cushy job? How are your boys?”

Clef frowned. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Ko—“

“Drop the bullshit, Clef… You keep doing your damnedest to lie yourself out of everything. To lie in circles, keep people guessing… But I finally figured it out. It took me a while—a very long while—but I finally got it. Heh. Clever bastard.”

Clef eased himself backwards in the chair. “And?” he asked.

Kondraki smiled. “It’s easy. You see, I spent years analyzing the records of you… Your exploits here. The things that you were willing and not willing to do. It took me forever to figure out why 682 had that moment of hesitation… Why it didn’t kill you. Why reality benders don’t fuck you up like they do other people. Why 343 shits his pants at the sight of you.”

“And?” Clef asked.

“It’s simple,” Kondraki said. “You’re God.”

Clef laughed. Hard. Leaning over, he coughed loudly, struggling to breathe. Minutes passed until he was completely out of breath and had to stop, leaning back in his chair.

“Really, Konny? Me? God?”

Kondraki smiled, eerily. Madly. “Certainly,” he said. “But not just any God. You're Poopstick McGee… And I… I AM THE FLYING WALRUSES!"

Clef smiled slightly. "Yes, Kondraki. Yes, I am. You finally figured me out…"

Kondraki laughed hysterically as the orderly came into the room. "Sorry, Docta Clef. He slipped away from me again…"

Clef laughed. "No problem, Rodney… Konny and I are old friends."

"POOP STICK! POOPSTICK MCGEE!"

Clef nodded. "You got it, buddy!"

The orderly walked Kondraki out of Clef's office, taking him back to his room and easing him into the bed, waiting for him to relieve himself in a bedpan.

He grabbed the orderly's arm… "He's Satan, you know…" he said seriously.

The orderly just smiled. "Last week, you said he was Adam," he said.

Kondraki's eyes went wide. "That's classified!" he screamed, throwing the full bedpan at the orderly. "EXPUNGED! EXPUNGED!"

The orderly ducked out of the room, and down the hall, Alto Clef laughed quietly to himself.