Dark and Disquieting - SCP Foundation

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“And last but certainly not least on your VIP tour is the Kaleidoscope!” Lolly announced as she led Victor and Iris into the final tent. “Designed by Herman Fuller himself sometime in the late 19th century, handcrafted from Ravelwoods’ lumber and beryllium-bronze clockwork salvaged from the ruins of a Colossus slain during the First Occult War -”

“You mean Fuller didn’t kill it himself, with a butter knife and one hand tied behind his back?” Iris asked dryly, having had well past her fill of the Circus’s penchant for hyperbole.

“Please hold all questions until the end of the presentation,” Lolly replied with an uncharacteristic tinge of irritation. She cleared her throat and looked back down at her cue card. “As I was saying, the Kaleidoscope has been an essential fixture of The Circus of the Disquieting since our inception. The wood is both magic and immortal, and so produces EVE, which is amplified into aspect radiation, which is then channelled into clockwork casting circles of near-infinite configurability, allowing us to open Ways to any unprotected door we choose and even apportate the whole Circus if we have too. I love the word apportate; it makes me think of Harry Potter.

“And that concludes our tour. Questions?”

“Can we go through it now?” Iris asked impatiently.

“Oh no, we have to wait for Icky. I’m not supposed to dial the Kaleidoscope by myself,” Lolly replied. “There…may have been an incident or two.”

“Well, the Wandsman is expecting us. Would you please find The Ringmaster and tell her we’re ready to depart.”

“No worries. I’m here, I’m here,” Icky said as she ran into the tent. “Sorry, I was planning on being here first but Eugene, one of our Clowns, something triggered his PTSD and long story short if those kids weren’t scared of Clowns before they are now. Victor, great to see you again, and…Iris, we’ve met before, right? I’ve lost count of how many private shows we’ve done for Emcee D but you were there for at least one of them, weren’t you?”

“I’ve seen you before, yes, though I don’t believe we were ever formally introduced,” Iris said, extending her right hand out in greeting. Instead of shaking it, Icky took off her top hat, bowed, and kissed Iris’s hand.

“Mmm. You are a marked improvement over Darke’s last proxy," Icky told her. "I’m loving the turtleneck by the way; you’re really rocking the sexy little nerd look.”

“Let go of my hand,” Iris ordered through her teeth. With a reluctant groan, Icky obliged. Victor handed Iris a wet-one for her to wipe the Clown saliva off her hand.

“I’m sorry about that. Icky can be a bit ‘presidential’ sometimes,” Lolly apologized.

“I’m just being friendly, darling. She’s practically family after all. Iris, did Darke ever tell you he thought the Fuller might have been a descendant of his?”

“He…may have mentioned it, yes,” she replied as she handed Victor the used wet wipe. She sniffed her hand and muttered that it still smelt strangely sweet.

“Really? I don’t see the resemblance,” Lolly remarked.

“Oh, I’ve noticed a few similarities between Fuller and the Darks over the years,” Icky said. “But I’m sure Iris doesn’t want to hear about that. Lolly gave you a tour, right? She loves giving tours. See anything that tickled your fancy?”

“She spent twenty minutes looking at Gary’s phonebox of all things,” Lolly replied. “She asked him all sorts of questions about it, and took some pictures with this half smartphone, half tricorder thing.”

“I found it interesting,” Iris shrugged.

“Percy mentioned you were a whiz with paratech in his letter,” Icky said. “Seems to run in the family. I hope he’s been telling you equally flattering things about us.”

“Don’t call him Percy. I don’t even call him that,” Iris objected. “But you’ll be pleased to know he does retain a fondness for your little travelling show. He told me to give his regards to the Man with the Upside-Down Face, but oddly enough I couldn’t see him anywhere.”

The two Clowns’ faces went sour at her tone.

“Manny’s off-site today, scouting for talent,” Icky said briskly.

“How unfortunate,” Iris said, unable to suppress a smug little smile. “Hopefully we get a chance to meet soon. Grandsire was quite eager to see how he and I got along.”

“I’ll bet,” Icky murmured. “Well, I’m sorry to have kept you waiting. Just give me a minute to spin up the Kaleidoscope and you’ll be on your way.”

As Icky dialled in the coordinates for Kul-Manas, Lolly was literally jumping up and down with excitement.

“This is so amazing. We’re going to meet bird people!”

“Please try to conduct yourself with some restraint. It would be unwise to offend our hosts -”

“You mean ruffle their feathers?”

“…Yes. I don’t know this for a fact, but I doubt they’ll appreciate bird puns.”

“You mean they’d find them unpheasant?”

“Oh, this is going to work out great,” Iris sighed. One of the Doors to the Kaleidoscope opened before them, revealing its smoky white portal. “Victor, you have the merchandise, correct?”

“Yes Ms. Dark,” Victor nodded, holding up his carrying case.

“Good. Do not set it down until we’ve received payment.”

“There you are, a one-way Way to the city of Kul-Manas,” Icky announced. “Lolly, sweetie, I’m still a little gun-shy after what happened at the Bazaar, so be extra careful. I want you to come back home at the first sign of trouble. If you lose your keys make for the Library -”

“When do I ever lose my keys?”

“You don’t, I know, I just…”

“I’ll be fine. I know how to take care of myself. I promise I’ll be back as soon as we’re done.” Lollipop leaned in and kissed Icky goodbye. “Love you Icky.”

“I love you too Little Lollipop,” Icky smiled. “Dark, I’m holding you responsible if anything happens to her.”

“Good luck with that,” Iris replied flippantly. “Victor, Lolly, stay behind me at all times and do not speak unless spoken to.”

“Yeah, good luck with that!” Lolly snorted. Rolling her eyes, Iris marched through the Door with her two escorts.

The Door, the Wanderers emerged from, was but one of countless others, built into the bark of a colossal tree that stretched hundreds of meters across and up into the sky seemingly without end. Before them was the city of Kul-Manas, comprised of wicker buildings that superficially resembled enormous and ostentatious bird’s nests. The sky was a deep violet, and instead of a sun or moon, it was lit by many shining silver orbs which the Wanderer’s initially mistook as stars until they saw they were gently falling below the horizon like snowflakes.

Standing before them was a humanoid crow or raven, all jet black and covered in feathers. He was clad in a hooded cloak of crimson and gold and held a great bronze staff in his scaly, clawed talons.

“Most auspicious greetings, fellow Wanderers,” he said with a bow. “I am Ickis the Wayward, Wandsman of Kul-Manas; Sailor of the Celestial Sea, Walker of the Astral Plane, Spelunker of the Dimensional -”

“Oh my god, you’re a bird person!” Lolly screamed, jumping in front of him. “I’m Lolly! Can you fly? Is your poop all white and runny? Do you celebrate your birthday when your egg was laid or when it hatched?”

The Wandsman stared at her in stunned silenced for a moment.

“No I cannot fly, that's not your concern, and both events are marked as sacred occasions. Laying an egg is considered an accomplishment of the mother, while hatching is the accomplishment of the hatchling,” he replied.

“That’s so fascinating, plus you basically get double birthdays, though the first one kind of sounds more like Mother’s Day. Oh, do your people hate cats, because I love puss -”

“Lolly, behind me now!” Iris ordered. “Your Waywardness, I apologize for the impertinence of my associate.”

“It is quite all right. She is not the first Bozomorph to cross my path. Her people are well known for their exuberance.”

“I’d say that’s racist, but everything I’ve said to you was racist so I guess we’re cool,” Lolly said.

Iris shot her an ominous glance, demanding her silence.

“Great Wandsman, I have come to you on behalf of the Deathless Merchant of London so that we might exchange our equally priceless wares for our mutual benefit.”

“On his behalf?” the Wandsman asked with a curious tilt of his head. “I can see your True Name in your aura. You are Dark.”

“I am Iris Dark; proxy, apprentice, descendant and heir of Percival Darke.”

“But Dark is his True Name, a True Name bound to him and him alone through unspeakable black magic, anchoring his essence to the Mortal Plane and affording him untold occult powers. How could there be another with the True Name Dark?”

“He spells it with an ‘e’. I don’t,” she replied nonchalantly. The Wandsman squinted at her, seemingly unconvinced.

“I am…pleased to learn that there is another such as Darke,” he said, though the cawing sound he made sounded like it was a sign of distress. “And who is this mere mortal so brave or so foolish to enter the City of Kul-Manas?”

“Victor Chan, pleased to make your acquaintance,” Victor said, shaking his hand. “I’m just here to carry stuff and fill out the paperwork.”

“Now that we are formally introduced, may we please be shown to the Guildhall of Gorok?” Iris asked.

“Of course. I am happy and eager to serve as your guide during your visit. Please, follow me,” the Wandsman bowed, extending his hand towards a rickshaw. The driver, a shorter being with the head of a sparrow, opened the door and gestured for them to board. Once they were inside, the Sparrow lifted the rickshaw up by its hand-grips and hauled it through the twisting and winding streets of the ancient city.

A city peopled by anthropomorphic birds was a curious sight, even to Lolly who had travelled extensively across worlds. Most of the common folk they saw bustling about were songbirds; sparrows, finches, warblers and the like, but there was the occasional more exotic avian. They spied a sensuous swan, a flamboyant flamingo, and even a preening peacock all proudly displaying their plumage as they strutted down the street. The lack of any obvious self-segregating among the many different species suggested that they viewed each other as a single kin. The sighting of a meadowlark and an oriole courting each other prompted the question of interspecies breeding, but that hardly seemed like an appropriate subject of conversation.

“So how do your people have se -”

“Hey, where exactly is Kul-Manas anyway?” Victor asked, cutting Lolly off.

“As with all such Nexuses, we are everywhere and nowhere,” the Wandsman replied. “We are outside the continuum of time and space, and thus untethered by its laws. Wanderers from opposite ends of Creation could travel here with a single stride."

"That enormous tree we came out of was quite extraordinary. What is it?" Iris asked.

"It it nothing less than the World Tree itself," the Wandsman answered. "It was made incarnate here long ago by the spellcraft of our ancestors, and we have benefited greatly from its presence. Around its trunk we made our city, crafting our homes from the detritus it let fall. We drank its sacred sap and were granted both clairvoyance and gnosis. We carved Janus Doors into its bark, and with only the most basic of tools and methodologies we set out to explore the multiverse, just as the Pacific peoples of your world once sailed the vast ocean with only Stone Age technology."

“Wow, you’re a much better tour guide than I am. I need cue cards to stop from going off on tangents,” Lolly said. “Anyway, do you guys have penises, and if they do are they like those crazy corkscrew duck penises or do -”

Lolly was quickly muffled by Iris’s cold, metallic left hand covering her mouth.

“Lolly, that is not an appropriate question. When I take my hand away you are going to apologize to the Wandsman for your vulgarity. Is that understood?” she asked. Lolly nodded, and Iris lowered her hand.

“Oh my god, you have a robot hand!” Lolly squeed, examining it with glee. Iris squinted her eyes at her incredulously.

“Did you seriously just now notice that?”

“Uh-huh. My attention is kind of all over the place most of the time.”

“So I’ve observed.”

“It is an interesting prosthetic, if I may say so,” the Wandsman chirped. “Where did you acquire it?”

“It’s custom made,” she replied, her expression making it clear she wasn’t taking any follow-up questions.

The Wandsman cleared his throat and awkwardly ruffled his feathers.

“Ah, we’re here: The Great Gilded Guildhall of Gorok, headquarters of the Merchant’s Guild of Kul-Manas,” he said as they rolled in front a squat spire, woven from branches that had been gilded in 24 carat gold leaf. Strange runes (that could both insultingly and accurately be described as chicken scratch) encircled the structure, and by the entrance was a marble fountain depicting a humanoid seagull regurgitating food into the mouths of its chicks, which was presumably meant to be symbolic of prosperity…or something.

There was a gentle thud as the driver set the rickshaw down and hurried around to open the door for them.

“Guildmaster Vixis and his council patiently await your arrival, Ms. Dark.”

“Kindly lead the way,” Iris said. “Victor, by my side. Lolly, behind me and quiet. I mean it.”

Lolly nodded and mimed zipping her mouth shut and tossing away the key, unaware that a passerby passerine would later recover the imaginary item and use it to unlock a Way leading to a plane comprised solely of thought-forms.

The Wandsman led the way into the hall, followed by Iris, Victor and Lolly. The interior of the hall was also gilded, as well as being decorated with velvet rugs, jade statues and enormous portraits. Lighting came from the same smokeless spectral flames the Percival Darke used in his sanctum.

The Guildmaster and his council sat on a dais that elevated them a full fathom off the ground and forced whoever was before them into the submissive position of staring up at them. The Guildmaster himself looked to be a kingfisher of some kind, with the other councillors consisting of an ibis, a blue heron, a white crane, a cassowary, a barn owl, and a kiwi.

“Ickis, you honour us with your presence yet again,” the Guildmaster declared, his deep voice resonating throughout the hall. “And once again you delight us by bringing more Wanderers with you to trade. The Deathless Merchant of London said his proxy was one who bore his name, and yet even now I hesitate to believe my own eyes. Nonetheless, we are happy to receive you, Dark, as well as your guests. I’d introduce the council but if you are anything like your namesake I assume you wish to get straight to business.”

“You would be correct Guildmaster,” Iris nodded. She snapped at Victor to open the carrying case and take out her merchandise. “As discussed in your correspondence with Esquire Darke, I present to you three-dimensional wards, designed by both Esquire Darke and myself. Using common holography, we have created talismans inscribed with wards drawn in three dimensions, allowing them to be six times more complex than traditional wards without taking up any additional space. There are seven talismans, one for each of you, and each talisman contains two wards, one on each side.”

Victor stepped up to the dais and handed a talisman to each councillor so that they could inspect them.

“If you are satisfied with the quality of those samples, we are willing to sell you more at a price of 1 kg of Morgana Silver per talisman. Those fourteen wards are the only ones designed at the moment, however, we are willing to take custom orders for double the price. All payment must be upfront, no refunds, and before we go any further I will require proof that you actually possess Morgana Silver so that I know you’re not wasting my time.”

The ibis nodded and tossed her a coin purse. She poured the contents into her hands, revealing bright silver coins depicting a fairy queen on one side and a seven-pointed star encircled by runes on the other.

“What are those?” Lolly asked, before quickly re-zipping her mouth and pocketing the key (much to the council’s disappointment).

“It’s yttrium silver from the Fey city of Fata Morgana,” Iris replied. She squeezed them in her right palm and smiled as she felt the EVE flow through them. “For all intents and purposes, it’s mithril. It’s thaumically conductive, and if we can get a steady supply of it we can use it in all kinds of paratech.

“Gentlemen and/or Ladies, I am satisfied with the quality of your product as I hope you are satisfied with mine. Shall we discuss bulk discounts?”

The Guildmaster chuckled cruelly, and would have sneered if he had lips.

“I have a better idea,” he snapped his talons and metal grates clamped down on every exit.

“Vixis, what in the name of Xitheus are you doing?” the Wandsman demanded, the rest of the council squawking in agreement.

“I’m stopping us from being robbed blind is what I’m doing,” the Guildmaster replied. “I was none too pleased when I received a letter from the Deathless Merchant of London, making us an offer we couldn’t refuse. A kilo of the most valuable thaumic alloy in the known worlds in exchange for these crackerjack toys!”

He threw his talisman straight at Iris, only for her to catch it effortlessly.

“I found the Merchant’s tone to be less than respectful, how he took it for granted that I would not dare to refuse his offer. Well, I dare. In fact, I’ve decided it’s time to let the Merchant know exactly where we stand. Darke may be top chicken in his backwater reality, but he has no power over us! We are the Ascendant Avians of Kul-Manas! The blood of Dinosaurs flows through our veins. Dinosaurs I tell you! The Merchant was a fool to send you Dark, and you were a fool to come. A partner of the most powerful anomalous firm on your Earth, their chief paratechnologist, and Darke’s own blood no less? To say you were worth a King’s ransom would be a monstrous understatement.

“The Clown and the salesman are free to go, just be sure you deliver my message to Darke; Kul-Manas is an unassailable fortress, he cannot touch us here! If he ever wants this little tinkerer of his back I will accept nothing less than majority control of his fancy little flea market. Until then Dark, you will have the privilege of being my prisoner.”

The Guildmaster glared down mockingly at her, expecting the young woman to be trembling in fear.

Instead, she just looked annoyed.

“Alright then. I wasn’t planning on adding ‘killed a giant kookaburra’ to my CV, but why the hell not?” she asked rhetorically.

Taking a deep breath and sharpening her will, she focused the Mekhane part of her being into her metal hand while channelling the Yaldabaoth portions into her flesh hand. She raised each hand up and then dragged them downwards, producing two twin serpents as she did so; one of quicksilver ichor, the other of jaundiced miasma. The two Dragons immediately attacked each other, twisting around one another in a double helix, each consuming the other’s tail in a type of Ouroboros. Each Serpent feeding off the other, the Ouroboros grew in size and rose to the ceiling of the Guildhall, creating a vortex that pinned the council to the floor, unable to escape as it slowly descended towards them.

The Wandsman squawked in horror and leapt to the dais. He held up his great staff and began shouting incantations at the abomination. It held it back, but only just, and it was still growing stronger.

“Well, we got some Morgana Silver, so this wasn’t a complete bust,” Iris said as she casually pocketed the coin purse. “If we’re lucky we could figure out how to transmute it from other metals. Lolly, would you be so kind as to open a Door back to your Circus please?”

Lolly didn’t respond immediately, being transfixed by the sight of a bird wizard battling self-cannibalizing ethereal snakes.

“Iris, you can’t kill them,” she objected vehemently.

“I beg your pardon? I’m in charge here, little lollipop, and I don’t much care for someone trying to take me hostage. Now make a Door out of here before those two Dragons get so big they devour the whole guildhall.”

Lolly furrowed her brow resolutely and leapt up onto the dais.

“Lolly! What the hell are you doing?”

She grabbed hold of the Wandsman staff and channelled her own magic into it, strengthening his counterspell and pushing the Serpents back ever so slightly.

“Lolly get down here this instant!”

“Undo this!”

“I will leave you to die if you do not immediately come back here!”

“If I die, Icky will never let you use the Kaleidoscope again!”

Iris's face contorted in rage. Knowing Lolly was right, she climbed up onto the dais and snatched the staff away from them. Pointing it at her creation, she screamed something in the Chaos Tongue. Two bolts of lightning, one silver and one yellow, shot forth from the staff and struck the opposite coloured Dragon, reducing each of them to mist in a spectacular but ultimately harmless explosion.

“Thank you,” the Wandsman whispered to Lolly. Iris pulled Lolly off the ground and slammed her up against the wall.

“Never again, do you hear me? You are a goddamn circus act! You do not command me, you do not undermine me, you do not disobey me! You pull a stunt like this again I swear I will conjure a beast that will make that Ouroboros look like a garden snake, do you understand me?”

A short chuckle escaped from Lolly’s lips.

“You know, I see it now.”

“See what?”

“The resemblance to Fuller.”

After having managed to recover, five of the councillors rose to their feet and gathered around the Guildmaster, who was still cowering on the floor.

“Guildmaster Vixis, not only have you once again acted unilaterally and broken our laws by threatening a foreign emissary, but you endangered this council and possibly all of Kul-Manas by committing an act of war against no one less than the Deathless Merchant of London!” the barn owl screeched at him, the outrage in her voice barely contained. “For these unforgivable crimes, the council condemns you to death.”

The other four councillors savagely and repeatedly impaled the Guildmaster with their long beaks, tearing off flesh and organs as he screamed for mercy.

Lolly covered her eyes and turned away, while Iris just curiously arched an eyebrow.

“No trial or due process? Efficient,” she commented. The ibis councillor approached her, his head bowed in humility.

“Dark, I beg you to believe me when I tell you that none of us knew what Vixis was planning,” he said, his voice heavy with fear and contrition. “If you could bring yourself to overlook his treachery, Kul-Manas will gladly still do business with you. As a show of good faith, we will purchase your entire current stock of three-dimensional wards and happily pay double, triple -”

“Tenfold, plus some of that sacred sap I heard mentioned earlier,” she replied.

“Yes, yes of course. Anything.”

“Well that’s good, isn’t it Iris?” Lolly asked hopefully. “It’s a heck of a lot better than one little coin purse. You’re not still mad at me, are you?”

“She threw herself in mortal danger against my direct orders, threatening to strand us in a hostile city and permanently ruin relations between our two businesses while ordering me to stop my own Ouroboros spell!”

In the Ringmaster’s tent, Lolly once again sat on Icky’s lap while they sat across from a partner of Marshall, Carter & Dark lividly accusing them of gross misconduct.

“And before that, she was asking the Wandsman about his penis and his feces and how his people reproduce!”

“The Wandsman liked me! He said I could come back anytime and learn all about Kul-Manas!” Lolly countered, sticking her tongue out at her. Icky gently pulled her back and calmly addressed Iris.

“Dark, I understand that Lolly’s behavior may have been less than professional, but given that you attempted to murder an entire council of people -”

“Bird people,” Iris interjected.

“Racist!”

“I hardly think you have any right to accuse her of improper conduct,” Icky said. “You got your business deal, nobody innocent got hurt, can’t we agree to just let this go?”

“Listen, her crass behavior jeopardized the success of this deal from the minute we stepped through the Door, and she actively subverted my authority by forcing me to destroy the Ouroboros,” Iris replied. “That is unacceptable and it cannot happen on future expeditions. I am going to have to insist that she be disciplined for this.”

“Oh, you can watch Icky spank me if you want. That’s always fun.”

Icky snickered, but gestured for her to remain silent.

“Iris, I understand and I agree. I’ll be sure to write her up for this.”

“You’ll write her up?”

“Yes, that’s what I said.”

“I…I guess that will do. I can’t deal with any more bullocks today. Come on Victor, let’s get back to London.”

With only a polite wave goodbye from Victor, he and Dark left the Ringmaster’s tent. Once they were gone, Icky reached into her desk and pulled out a document which, unbeknownst to her, was not dissimilar to a document kept by the SCP Foundation.

The Things Lollipop Is Not Allowed To Do At The Circus Of The Disquieting

Please note: This list is not a joke. Each entry is something Lollipop either did, attempted to do, or at the very least expressed an interest in doing.

Attempt to break her record of drinking 5 7 8 pints of Clown's Milk in one sitting.

Attempt to break her record of producing 3 1/2 5 1/2 6 1/2 pints of Clown's Milk in one sitting.

Call a Circus wide emergency conference to decide whether Quincy's butterflies pollinating Yume's flowers counts as sex.

Debate customers on the validity of the Fifthist Church's teachings.

Stretch Meaty the Meat Worm into a Mobius strip.

Attempt to guess Manny's actual name.

Change the gravity in the bounce house from 'Moon' to 'Sun'.

Order any Wondertainment product that is living, explosive, radioactive, poisonous, autonomous, expensive or requires adult supervision without Icky's permission.

Create anatomically correct, animate balloon animals. (not even for educational purposes)

Challenge Motormouth to a pie eating contest.

Crawl inside Motormouth's stomach while he's sleeping in order to retrieve said pies.

Ask the Amazing Zoltan if he knows why kids love the great taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, how many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop, etc.

Consult the Amazing Zoltan on anything other than Alchemy.

Cite the Scarlet King mythos as a 'patriarchal yet functional' example of polyamory.

Attempt to harvest silk from Library Pages.

Attempt to hack the Essie P database to change every 'good freak's' special containment procedures to "set them free you assholes".

Claim she is the first openly LGBT individual to literally ride a rainbow. (It's part of the midway. I've ridden it, and I'm sure lots of other LGBT+s have too)

Incorporate Miles the Bonecat into her Pussy Lovers routine. (the boner pun was hilarious though)

Re-purpose Dicksy's old reprogenetic equipment into a DIY bio-lab. (It doesn't matter how easy Professor Abnormal made it look, self-replicating cotton candy is a disaster waiting to happen)

Arrange play-dates for Ragamuffin with other possessed dolls.

Ask Ed & Al if they stock Tartarean Brimstone. (I do not want Ragamuffin summoning play-dates for herself either)

Place Eliza inside of a custom made hamster ball.

Ask any of our Sur-prizers to create extropic bouncy balls. We're lucky that thing bounced off into space before it killed anyone.

Ask any of our Carnival Confectionarians to create extropic jumping jelly beans. Please see above.

Ride the Ferris Wheel on top of, outside of, or underneath the cars. (I know she's not in any danger, but it sets a bad example for the younger guests)

Use Cotton Candy and Calliope music recreationally during work hours.

Ride the go-carts while under the influence of the above.

Introduce wooden ponies from the Carousel to real ponies from the Petting Zoo. The experience is existentially horrifying for both of them.

Utter the phrase 'Circus Time Procedures' within earshot of Eugene.

Tell the children of guests that running away from home can turn out great.

Claim that her self-appointed position as the Circus's Princess entitles her to an adult-sized play castle. (In all fairness this turned out be a great attraction for the midway, but it still isn't hers)

Complain to The Masked Lords, The Ambassador, The Hanged King or that guy selling olive oil that Alagadda isn't colourful enough.

Attempt to weaponize Waldorf's old cannon as a defense against Essie P raids.

Ask the Shark Punching Center if they've ever fought a Sharknado.

Ride her unicyle at supersonic speeds.

Commission Anderson Robotics to create "Five Nights at Freddy's" knock off animatronics.

Attempt to spay and/or neuter any of the attractions in the Menagerie of Mayhem.

Claim that napping during work hours are 'business calls to the Oneiroi Collective'. (I don't care if she actually is talking with it, there's no reason she can't do it at night)

Make any sort of marking on an Inkling note.

Use the Kaleidoscope to harvest helium from Jupiter. (Yes, I know it's a dwindling resource. Let Elon Musk expose his ass to that much radiation to get it)

Ask any members of the Cogwork Orthodoxy how the constant ticking doesn't drive them insane.

Conduct 'sensitivity workshops'. (I know she meant well, but it ended up being far more offensive than the inciting incident)

Ask Gary to help her make crank calls to any reality's President Trump, President Clinton, President Sanders, President Ryan, President-for-life Obama, you know what, just revoke her use of Gary's phone box altogether.

Take Victor any VIP guest on a tour of the Funhouse without any accompanying children.

Order a second Obama Llama to see if they'll bite each other's testicles off.

Direct guests looking for the restrooms to the Milking tent.

Let Quincy anyone drive our Porsche!

Let any of Ripley's sea-monsters out of the Fun-house because 'they needed some fresh-air'.

Offer Clown's Milk to non-clowns she doesn't like as a covert attempt at assassination.

Secretly administer Antabuse any medication to Bubblegum anyone.

Tell Nixie that she is not allowed in her tank within an hour after eating.

Attempt to locate the City of Adytum on Google Maps.

Play 'Bloody Mary' with Pepper's mirror.

Hide all the Clown Impulse Suppressant because 'Clowns are supposed to be impulsive'.

Troll GAW chat rooms by claiming to be a gamer unironically opposed to marijuana.

Bring a 'dune worm' through the Kaleidoscope.

Ask Sandstorm to make a giant desert terrarium for said dune worm.

Call Iris Dark for tech support.

Call Percival Darke for tech support. (He doesn't have a phone, I don't know how she actually did this)

Upload nightcore remixes of Virtuoso's arias on Youtube.

Reaching over the standard blue pens that Manny used and grabbing her distinctive purple pen, she added a new entry.

61. Ask the Wandsman of Kul-Manas questions about his reproductive or digestive biology while on business calls with Iris Dark.

“Sorry Icky.”

“It’s alright darling. I forgive you.”

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