Stupid Cupid: Stop Picking on Me - SCP Foundation

Previously on Stupid Cupid:

A knock on the door. “You got time for one more signature?” It’s Dr. North.

Laughter bursts through the door and into Dr. Cimmerian's office. A winged cherub with a bow and a smile of a thousand commercial toddlers zips about chased by PTF Kappa-143.

Cimmerian had been shot in the shoulder; North in the back. Both are painfully aware of what’s about to occur. The Cupid’s arrows dissolve into pink light.

"North, let me make this clear: at this moment we are supernaturally attracted to each other. Containment Procedures for people shot by that damn cherub are to let things play out. One day of making a complete fool of yourself in front of another fool. The best case scenario is that it's only moderately embarrassing."

Cimmerian picks up a flower from the floor. Daisies. It'll do, Cimmerian supposes. He places the flower into Dr. North's coat and covers it up.

"Let's just hope no one else gets wind of this."

“Agreed.”

Site-88 Rooftop - 7:40 PM:

"… that's bullshit. Right?"

Cimmerian laughs while North attempts to figure out if any of the stories are real.

"All true stories! My turn, North." Cimmerian sips his coffee. "Why do you wear 3-D glasses?"

"I got my reasons."

"Ah, brooding of course. It's a shame though, your eyes have lovely dimensions."

"God damn it, Cimmerian!" North feels his face redden behind his red and blue specs. "My turn! Since you won’t tell me how you really got your scars…"

North thinks for a moment. "Do you think we could last?"

North and Cimmerian sit by the railing on the site rooftop. Minutes earlier, they’d gotten drinks. Minutes before that, they’d agreed to go on a date. And minutes before that, they were both hit by an arrow-wielding mind-altering love baby.

"Probably not." Cimmerian puts down his drink. "A relationship built off an emotion affecting anomaly doesn’t exactly sound like a healthy foundation."

"But would you still try it?"

"I’d have to get over those ridiculous glasses, but we’ll see."

North nurses his beer and contemplates this.

"Hey Cimmerian, maybe we should-

"KISS!"

… Excuse me?

"KISS ALREADY!" a scratchy voice yelled.

That wasn’t Cimmerian. The daisy in North’s coat had just spoken.

"Ah! Christ!" North grabs the little weed off his pocket and throws it across the rooftop.

The daisy bounces harmlessly on the concrete.

Unperturbed, the plant yells, "YOU'RE MY OTP! WHEN ARE YOU GONNA KISS? I JUST WANNA WATCH!"

North stares at the flower in disbelief. Cimmerian was already talking into his communicator.

"Calling any available units. There is a sentient plant anomaly on the roof. Send a containment team im-

The communicator shatters in Cimmerian’s hands. A long green tendril reaches back to the daisy.

"NO DISTRACTIONS!" The flower stands up and brandishes several sharp leafy whips.

"START OVER OR ELSE."

North and Cimmerian look at each other. His back turned to the daisy, North mouths some words to Cimmerian.

Have you got a gun?

Cimmerian winks. Of course. You?

North sighs. Nope. Alright, he'll be the bait. What a time to not have a gun.

Break on three? Yeah.

One. Two. Three.

North and Cimmerian bolt to either side of the daisy.

"NO!!!" the daisy sends its vines into a deadly whirlwind.

North runs and ducks through vines. Cimmerian dashes and aims his pistol.

North jumps away from a vine, but a second vine heads his way before he can land.

The vine explodes as Cimmerian lands a shot along its length. North lands safely. The daisy yells in pain.

"THAT WAS MY FAVORITE VINE! DON'T MAKE ME TAKE THIS FIC FROM FLUFF TO SMUT YOU FLIRTY SLASH PAIR. I SWEAR I'M GONNA MAKE YOU-

A rifle bullet runs right through the daisy's stem. North looks at Cimmerian. Cimmerian shakes his head. That wasn't me.

The daisy and vines fall limp on the concrete. At the rooftop entrance, MTF Sigma-23 "Mulchers" is on the scene. North and Cimmerian relax. The destruction of an anomaly isn't the best outcome but at least the Ethics Committee Liaison and the Assistant Director of Espionage and Logistics are-

Ring ring. Ring ring. Click.

Author: Yes, hello?

<Indistinct phone chattering.>

Author: Wait, what? What do you mean North's spy identity is supposed to be a secret?

<Phone chattering continues.>

Author: Fine. I'm retconning, but I'm not changing the first installment.

<Robot voice synthesizer.>

Author: Yes, it's a beautiful testament to North's site presence.

<Agreeable phone chattering.>

Author: Enjoy, lad. Bye!

Click.

The destruction of an anomaly isn't the best outcome but at least the Ethics Committee Liaison and the totally mundane junior researcher he was with are safe.

The Mulchers move to secure the perimeter. North downs the rest of his beer. Cimmerian goes to pick up his coffee but he sees the daisy's remains glow bright green. Oh no.

"YOU…"

Cimmerian shouts, "Look out!"

The glowing green pile erupts into a flurry of vines that pick up every single MTF member.

"YOU THOUGHT WE WERE DONE? YOU'RE DONE WHEN I SAY YOU'RE DONE."

The vines consider the MTF members. "I WAS THINKING OF MULCHING THE MULCHERS BUT WE'RE DUE FOR SOME DISNEY RATED VIOLENCE." The vines launch every single MTF member off the roof. They all land miraculously unharmed in trees.

"NOW THAT WE'RE ALONE. IT'S TIME FOR A LITTLE ONE-WINGED ANGEL ACTION."

North and Cimmerian hide behind the rooftop entrance port. The storm of mad vines coalesce. They twine upon each other and build up an enormous sinuous womanly mass. The vines' chosen form is verdant and voluptuous. A mane of green vines erupts from what appears to be its head. Bangs of vines fall onto its face hiding all but bright yellow lips and a single yellow eye that smile greedily. At the center of its chest, a large white and yellow daisy beats steadily.

The giant green woman moans, "AH! THAT'S BETTER!" she calls to them, "OH, BOYS WHERE ARE YOU?"

North asks, "What do we do Cimm? She's freaking crazy!"

Cimmerian thinks, then his eyes light up. "I've got it! The references to fanfiction, that level of disconnection from reality and logic, the constant fourth wall breaking! It can only mean she's a meta-narrative entity. Judging by her desire to see us kiss, her power must stem from our romantic narrative."

North frowns. "… what? Seriously!?"

Cimmerian laughs, "Yes! Don't you see, we just have to-

"THERE YOU ARE!" A long green tendril picks up Dr. Cimmerian.

"Cimmerian!" shouts North as Cimmerian dangles in the air.

"YES! YELL FOR HIM! YOUR CUTESY ROMANTIC TENSION IS DELICIOUS."

"Put him down!" yells North.

"OKAY."

The green woman swings her vines and throws Cimmerian straight at North. North can't dodge or else Cimmerian breaks something. North hopes his own body is a soft enough landing cushion.

North holds out his hands.

Three. Two. One. Impact.

North and Cimmerian roll across the rooftop. North feels his foot twist not how it's supposed to. A sharp pain shoots right through it. The pair roll to a stop.

"NOW THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL FALLING FOR SOMEONE."

"Jesus Fucking Jesus Christ! Twisted my god damn ankle!" North grabs his foot in pain.

Cimmerian shakes away his daze at being thrown. He rights himself up and leans down towards North.

"Alright, that's enough." Cimmerian cups North's agonized face. "North, look at me. We gotta finish this or we're not gonna make it out of here."

North nods through his twisted ankle.

Cimmerian yells at the green woman, "Hey! We'll give you what you want!"

"FINALLY!" The giant green woman leans over the two of them.

"GO ON!"

Cimmerian brings his face close to North. North looks at Cimmerian through the searing pain in his ankle.

"KISS! KISS! KISS!" the green woman cheers. Her daisy heart beats faster in excitement.

Cimmerian whispers to North, "We'll have to slow down on the next date. Things are moving so fast, I'm getting daisy."

North groans and winces. "Your puns make having a twisted ankle not so painful. But next date, eh? You over my glasses already?"

"Not yet, but lens not lose sight of the big picture."

"Just kiss me already, Cimmerian."

Cimmerian and North kiss. The enormous green daisy woman grins in glee. Cimmerian and North feel their lips touch. It is a short sweet kiss. One reflective of their day together, their unknown crazy future together. It's just them, but together. Cimmerian and North retreat their lips. North pats Cimmerian's face. They smile. They laugh. They lock hands.

In Cimmerian's gloved hand, his pistol suddenly glows an unnatural pink. North gives Cimmerian a raised eyebrow. Cimmerian nods. Together they aim and shoot the pink gun right at the giant green woman's daisy heart.

The bullet turns into a bright pink thread. It winds around the green woman's body over and over. The binding thread glows brighter as it restrains her.

"AH, CATHARTIC LOVE MAGIC! HOW MUCH BETTER CAN THIS GET? THIS IS THE PERFECT WAY TO GO! CIMMNORTH FOREVER!"

The pink light intensifies.

"SEE YOU SOON BOYS!"

The light flashes.

When the light settles, Cimmerian and North see the daisy woman's gigantic form is dried, brown, withered, and lifeless. They both sigh in relief.

Cimmerian sees a rifle dropped by one of the MTF members. He grabs it, rips his pant leg, and splints North's twisted ankle up.

"Let's go get you some ice."

"Yeah, that sounds good."

Cimmerian helps North up and together they hobble to the infirmary.

Cimmerian looks back at the results of the chaos. "This will be a whole lot of clean up. I hope the Mulchers got out of those trees."

North remembers something and chuckles. "Hey, Cimmerian."

"What?"

"It's your turn."

Cimmerian laughs. "Oh right! Let's see."

Cimmerian thinks. "Have you… dated a guy before?"

North winces but not from his ankle. "At this point, hell if I know."

They both laugh.

"My turn."

The wind blows.

The husk of the daisy woman withers in the air. A large dry pod at the center of its chest pulls into itself and shrivels up. The pod disperses several hundred odd seeds onto the rooftop.

Each seed is shaped like a little baby with wings.

The sound of laughter echoes through the trees.