Santa Claus Procedures: Part 2 - SCP Foundation

4

Under normal circumstances, replacing all of one's bodily fluids with Baileys Irish cream would have been fatal. It should have been fatal. Fortunately for the Yule Man (or perhaps unfortunately), he was far from normal. He was haphazardly stumbling and staggering wherever he went, seeking a place of respite until he could soberize - that is, if he was even able to. He didn't quite understand the nature of this cruel Christmas joke that the pretender had done to him.

Eventually, he collapsed on the street of some gated community. The Yule Man smiled as he admired the twinkling lights and decorations strung up across the neighborhood. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a swarm of people closing in around him carrying ropes of Christmas lights and singing yuletide carols.

The on-site personnel, upon instantly recognizing the creature that had just materialized and collapsed in the middle of the road, immediately initiated a state of emergency. Alarms began to go off and heavily armed teams of MTFs scrambled to contain whatever the unholy union of the Yule Man and Christmas spirit was going to produce.

Nothing could prepare them for what was gestating within that gated community.

5

Far off in a particular arboreal dimension, an old man was making his way to visit an old friend for the holidays. It was a dangerous place that starved for names. Those with names had to take great care when speaking of it. However, he didn't need to be careful. He was immune to the nomenclature consequences of this realm under hill and sea and was freely able to speak their absent names. He himself had many names, but tonight he would go by the Holly King.

The Holly king eventually arrived at a home with a thatched roof nestled deep within the unspoken woods. Rapping on the door, he began to jokingly sing a wassailing song.

"Here we come a-wassailing among the leaves so green.

Here we come a-wandering so fairly to be seen…"

Soon the door opened and there stood a skeletal equine creature adorned with festive baubles, bells and tinsel. Although the entity lacked skin and muscles on its face, it was clear by the jovial bouncing in his step that he was happy to see the Holly King and found his singing amusing.

"Haha! What a surprise, my dear old friend,

normally when wassailing, I'm on the other end!"

The two met in a brotherly embrace and exchanged pleasantries.

"How have things been since last we met, Mari Lwyd?"

"I've been merry and well!

and I've found me a belle,

Please, come on in and dine!

I have prepared flesh and wine!"

The Holly King followed his friend into his home. That evening they ate, drank, laughed, and told stories by a warm hearth. But as they relaxed by the fire, they found their night interrupted by a rapping at the door.

"I didn't know you were expecting more guests."

"None, other than you, my friend.

No one else was to come and attend."

"Well, you stay put. I'll go see who it is." The Holly King placed his glass down and got up to answer the door. Upon opening, he was greeted by a smiling woman with long white hair. She wore a lavish red Santa suit and was accompanied by a shorter woman with a rather long tongue. She tipped her top hat to him in salutations.

"Ah! Just the man I wished to see! I'm sorry to disturb you at this hour, I'm-"

"Holly Light…" he interrupted, "…and Ms. Judith Papill. To what do I owe the pleasure? Is Wondertainment collecting donations this year? Ho ho ho!"

"In a way, yes." she said stepping forward, "I was hoping you could spare a few names."

Before the Holly King had time to react, she pulled a comically large sword from within her coat and pointed it at his throat.

"Put the toy away before you hurt yourself, Holly."

"You're looking at the new face of Christmas, old man. I'm here to contest your crown."

"Ma’am…” Judy interjected, trying her best to de-escalate. “Our best strategy is to gain allies, not steal their power."

Hearing the commotion, Mari Lwyd came to check on what was going on. Entering into his kitchen, he saw the fray that was ensuing.

"What is the meaning of this egregious sin?

Withdraw your blade from my guest’s chin!”

A cloud of ash suddenly exploded from the fireplace. As it settled, a figure emerged - standing before them at the cobblestone hearth was an elderly man in a soot-covered Santa Claus costume.

The Holly King looked upon the Santa Claus before him in curiosity. This was the first time he actually encountered this one, whom he knew as the Laplander, in person. He was aware of all his aspects and those who bore his names, but this one had always felt different. He was more definite. He wasn't just yet another Santa Claus, but rather something more…pure and innocent. As if born from a joke or a child's imagination.

"A Joulupukki? Why are you here?

Shouldn't you be out spreading Christmas cheer?"

"Something else is doing that right now. A twisted abomination, the one segmented from the Holly King long ago. Something's corrupted him and now he threatens to consume the world in his madness."

"What?"

"That THING threatens my image,” Holly interjected, sitting up and dusting off her top hat. “Honestly, how did you guys just let him run amok in the past? If I’m to be the new Kris Kringle, I don’t want it tainting my brand like that! This is exactly why we need to pursue legal action against Gamers Against Weed, Judy!"

“(I keep telling you we don’t have a case! Their Misters Against Weed are protected under parody!)”

“Hold on - new Kris Kringle?” The Holly King chuckled as if just hearing a bad joke.

“Don't laugh! I'm serious! Look, I'm sorry about the whole sword biz - you know how cut-throat capitalism can be. A new era is on the horizon and Wondertainment is planning to monopolize on the Holiday Season. I even got that rude Santa god's blessing!"

The Holly King simply rolled his eyes.

"If we could get back to the crisis at hand!" The Santa Claus interrupted, "Your majesty, we need your help stopping Gluggagægir."

The Holly King gave it some thought, stroking his beard in contemplation as he did, before turning back towards him. "If things are as dire as you say, then I will help - I am, after all, somewhat responsible for his existence. What's your plan?"

6

Over in Poland, Site-120 had a special guest at their staff holiday party. Brought all the way from Site-322 was a man named Nicolas Roberts. He was a kind old man with reality-bending powers who simply wanted to be Santa Claus - an innocent wish that the Foundation eventually granted him.

Watching him entertain the staff from across the decorated breakroom were site director Daniel Asheworth and Dr. Jessie Rivera, both enjoying a glass of eggnog together.

"You know," Asheworth told her, "when you first told me that you got us a Santa for our holiday party, I was worried it was going to be Dr. Shaw."

Dr. Rivera nearly spit her drink in laughter.

"Pffft- Elias Shaw? I'm pretty sure he's not even allowed to host holiday parties anymore, let alone play Santa."

Nicolas had been handing out gifts to the staff, pulling them out of thin air from within his sack. Each gift he produced was personalized for the recipient. They were all relatively simple gifts, nothing too extravagant of course. The Scranton Reality Anchor in his spine dampening his reality-bending abilities likely wouldn't let him do anything too crazy anyways.

"So what did you get?" she asked him.

"Oh, nothing special. Just some new pairs of socks." he lied. In reality, he got a cute pair of baby blue cat ear wireless headphones, but he'd sooner volunteer for Keter Duty than admit that to anybody.

"Really? That socks." Dr. Rivera chortled.

It took Asheworth longer than he should have to get the awful pun she just made. He was too preoccupied by the thought of getting home and trying out his new catboy headset.

"Sir! 6596! It's back!" a researcher shouted, pointing at the figure standing before Nicolas. It resembled a hobby horse of sorts with what looked like a horse skull and a bed sheet draped over its body. Not yet noticing the personnel's panic at their sudden presence, he greeted them with a jolly demeanor - blissfully unaware of the creature’s true nature.

"Oh! I know this one! It’s a wassailing custom from South Wales, yes? The Mary…Lewd? Loyd? Well, let’s see what I have for you…"

Nicolas reached into his bag to produce a gift for the entity, but was stopped when he heard it begin to speak.

“No time for gifts or jolly wassail,

I have come to see you bail.

To recruit you on this longest night,

And show a demon one hell of a fight.”

And with the rhyme’s end, the two suddenly vanished just as a security team burst through the doors.

“SHIT!” Dr. Rivera exclaimed. Nick was under her supervision and losing him was not going to look good on her record.

“6596 has taken 6483.” Asheworth told the security team.

“It took Nicolas? Aw man!” a security officer said, “I love that guy!”

As the personnel began to scramble and deliberate their next course of action, another agent burst in. He was out of breath, having ran across the facility to find the director.

“Director Asheworth! I couldn’t get a hold of you on the comms!”

“We just had a containment breach, so you’ll forgive me if I’ve been preoccupied.”

“We have bigger problems…” he said, panting. “O5 Command just sent out a Foundation-wide alert…we may have a K-class scenario on our hands.”

7

Stan Clane sat in an old office chair unraveling the foil of a Hershey's Kiss while looking attentively at the two standing before him. Dr. Thaddeus Xyank and his colleague Dr. Isle Reynders were debriefing him on the situation while he helped himself to the bowl of festive chocolates on the desk.

"You're telling me the world is currently under siege by…a Santa Claus parade?"

"Yeah, pretty much. It's currently spreading across the continental United States and assimilating everyone in its path into its twisted procession - including Foundation facilities and the anomalies they have contained."

"Site-73 was the first to fall." added Dr. Reynders, "Sites 45 and 666 are working on establishing a bastion over in Vegas to prevent it from expanding further west. Despite best efforts to prevent the GOC from going in guns blazing, they've already sent in and lost a large swath of their ground forces in northern Mexico."

"So what exactly do you want me to do? Go back in time and stop it?"

"No. We’d like you to carefully set up specific events that will put an end to this."

"And if I do this, you'll lift my sentence?"

"If you do this," Dr. Xyank explained, "you'll have someone to replace you and you'll be free. What do you say?"

Stan leaned forward and smiled.

"Let's save Christmas."

« Santa Claus Procedures - Part 1 | Santa Claus Procedures - Part 2 | Santa Claus Procedures - Part 3»