Beating A Dead Horse With A Dead Canon - SCP Foundation

“That’s it. Easy boy. Watch you don’t catch your horseshoes on the rune wheel,” Lolly said soothingly as she gently led the undead equine off of the portal-generating device, his milky blue eyes darting around warily at the inside of the Kaleidoscope tent.

In life, he had been a Pegasus. As such, he was smaller and lighter in frame than a domestic horse in order to accommodate flight. In undeath, his frame had diminished from light to skeletal, and his once full and vibrant coat was now a dull and mangey grey with a tinge of Undervastly blue to it. While his necrotic flesh and tattered wings undeniably gave him a haggard and mistreated appearance, the Unseelie Silver and alchemically treated leather of his tack indicated he was no mere starving stray.

“That’s it, keep coming. You’re going to love it here!” Lolly assured him as she continued walking backwards, not bothering to look where she was going. “We’re going to keep you outside in the sun, and the fresh air, and everyone will be so flabbergasted to see a real live Pegasus that nobody’s going to mind that you’re technically a little bit dead, so don’t be self-conscious about that. And if you cooperate and let me ride you, you’ll even get to perform in the Big Top alongside some of the most fantastic beasts in the known –”

She stopped suddenly when she felt herself back into a large and muscular body with their arms folded across their chest. Rather than turn around to see who it was, she reached up behind her to feel their face. As she had suspected, the eyes were at the bottom.

“Hi, Manny!”

“Take it back,” The Man With The Upside-Down Face ordered sternly.

“Manny, no. Listen,” Lolly insisted as she turned towards him and held her hands together pleadingly. “I know what you’re thinking; he’s basically a Thestral, and anything associated with The TERF Who Shall Not Be Named is going to be bad for business.”

“You stole it from Undervast. Take it back before they notice. Now,” Manny reiterated.

“But I thought about that. We can use him as a conversation starter to promote Trans rights and donate some of the proceeds to Trans causes.”

“It was created by a Necromancer Baron of Undervast. Take it back to them, now.”

“I was wanting to name him Toblerone the Trans-Thestral, but I don’t think that would be right since I really don’t think he’s Trans. He’s a little too comfy rocking out with his big-old horse cock out to be anything but a cis-male.”

“Lolly, I’m not letting you keep it just because you’re pretending we’re having a completely different conversation.”

“He’s right to be proud of it, but I don’t think it should upset the guests too much. Horses have big cocks. That’s a thing people know.”

…

“Kid, listen –” Manny sighed.

“I told you to stop calling me kid! I’m thirty!”

“Not this again. I told you that I’ll stop treating you like a kid when you stop acting like one!”

“No, you’ll stop treating me like a kid right this second or I will scream and hold my breath until I pass out!”

He stared her down for a moment, trying to decide if she was being serious, ironic, or if she even knew herself.

“You’re not getting a pony. Take it back, or you’re not getting any ice cream either,” he said flatly, calling her bluff.

.

..

…

“ICKY!” Lolly screamed so loudly it was heard throughout the entire Circus, before promptly inflating her cheeks full of air like a pufferfish and cinching her mouth shut. Within seconds, the Ringmaster came bursting through the tent doors.

“Lolly, where the hell have you been? I was worried you… is that a Thestral?” she asked, her anger and apprehension momentarily waylaid by the spectre of the spectral stallion standing before her.

“It’s an undead, winged fell steed of Undervast, and it is going back right now,” Manny insisted.

“Undervast? Lolly, what the hell were you doing in Undervast? You know they’re on our enemies list!” Icky reminded her.

“Mhmm wnwy ghwm mwnn whnn hrrhr!”

“Lolly, you’re fine. You’re just using your shapeshifting to turn your cheeks blue,” Icky replied.

“And you’re breathing through your nose,” Manny added.

Lolly glared at both of them in frustration for a moment, eventually relenting and exhaling the air from her cheeks as if they were party balloons.

“Quick question; if I had really been holding my breath and hurt myself, who would you have held responsible, me or him?” she asked.

“Lolly, what the hell were you thinking going to Undervast by yourself?” Icky demanded, the supernatural timbre creeping into her voice making it clear that she was not in the mood to indulge Lolly’s idiosyncrasies.

“I… I’m sorry, Icky. I didn’t mean to scare you,” she apologized, folding her hands behind her back and lowering her head slightly in contrition. “But I wasn’t by myself though. I was with Gunmetal Gary.”

“What!” Icky and Manny both exclaimed.

“The lunatic zombie gun nut who started handing out fully-loaded assault rifles to our guests and then blew up his truck when we tried to arrest him?” Icky demanded.

“That was nearly five years ago. How did you even get in contact with him?” Manny asked.

“Well, Gary called our Gary and Gary told me that Gary said that I was on his list of unredeemed Civil Defense Points and that he wasn’t able to come to me because of his ban,” Lolly began. “At first I was like, ‘ew, gross zombie gun nut’, but then I was like ‘ooh, prizes!’. So I called him back and told him that I already had this really cool Lollipop Shield and Warhammer that Wondertainment made me and so I wasn’t really interested in any munitions or armour, and then he started rambling about how he had to give me something and started listing off all kinds of alternatives and at some point, he mentions war mounts and I was like ‘omigawd, you mean like zombie horses? I can get a zombie horse!’, and he was like ‘I can absolutely get you a zombie horse! Hell, I can get you a zombie Pegasus if you want! No zombie unicorns though, since those horns are purely for show. Absolutely no strategic value in those whatsoever!’. Then we argued about the strategic value of Unicorns for a couple of minutes, but that guy is completely unreasonable so I just gave up and agreed to come with him to the Undervast Noble Stables to pick a Pegasus, and this is him! They named him Tabernacle, but I think I’m going to call him Toblerone – because he’s falling to pieces! That’s a much better stage name! He’s perfect for the Menagerie, and he’s really well-trained so we can probably even use him for live shows!”

“So… you actually didn’t steal him?” Manny asked as he incredulously lowered his eyebrow away from his right eye and towards the floor.

“Of course not! How could you ever think such a thing?” she demanded in exaggerated but not wholly feigned indignation.

“Lolly, baby, I’m glad you weren’t ever in any danger, and that you didn’t enrage all of Undervast over a dead horse, but that was really reckless of you,” Icky gently chastised her, the anger and worry in her voice replaced with the mild frustration that came from the feeling that she might as well have been talking to a brick wall. “You had no reason to trust Gunmetal Gary or anyone else from Undervast. Nothing they have was worth risking your life or putting this Circus in danger.”

“I… you’re right. I got excited, and acted without thinking, like I always do,” she admitted. Something about Icky's tone made her feel acutely aware of exactly how much trouble she usually got up to, and it suddenly didn't seem funny anymore. “I should have at least told you where I was going and what I was doing so that we could have worked out some safety precautions. I know how much you love me, and I love this Circus. I would never want to hurt either of you. I’m sorry, Icky. You too, Manny. You know what? Take my Kaleidoscope Keys. I mean it. I shouldn’t have them if I can’t use them responsibly.”

She reached into the Hammerspace of her pockets and pulled out a large assortment of Clown paraphernalia before finally finding her keys, which she promptly extended towards Icky. Icky stared down at her clenched fist for a moment, silently considering the offer.

“Give them to Manny if you’re serious. You know I’ll give them back the first time you ask,” she said.

Lolly scrunched up her face as her fist trembled, but ultimately she handed the keys over to Manny.

“Thank you. This is just temporary. When I’m convinced you’re capable of using these responsibly, you can have them back,” he promised her. “I realize that was hard for you. Since no harm came of this, consider it punishment enough.”

“…What about a spanking?” she asked, coyly making puppy-dog eyes up at Icky.

“Later,” she said with an amused roll of her eyes. “Come on, let’s get this guy over to the Menagerie. They should be able to accommodate a flying horse on short –”

She was cut off by the sounds of terrified screams coming from outside. Dashing out of the tent, they beheld a twenty-foot-wide Spell Circle of blue-hot fire burning in the grass, emitting ominous vapours that reeked of death and rose so high and so thick they dimmed the sun. When the fairground had grown so overcast there was not an inkling of joy or mirth to be found, a great plume of azure flame belched forth, depositing a small retinue of undead knights in their wake. In the center of the Spell Circle stood a wizened Lich with sparse silver hair and dark grey skin, clad in sumptuous robes and an embellished mitre that made him look like some dark parody of an orthodox clergyman. The ceremonial scythe in his hand removed any possible doubt that he was a Necromancer Baron Of Undervast.

“Lolly, you said you didn’t steal it!” Icky shouted.

“I didn’t!” she said earnestly.

“She didn’t!” a familiar voice shouted within the Spell Circle. The roaring flames began to die down somewhat, and as they did, they were just able to make a figure wearing a stahlhelm and leather trenchcoat kneeling at the Baron’s feet. “I tried explaining it to this pretentious prick but –”

“Silence, imbecile!” the Baron barked in his raspy voice, before flashing an insincere smile of half-decayed black teeth at the Circus folk. “Greetings, and deepest apologies for having arrived at the renowned Circus of the Disquieting without notice or invitation. I am Octavius von Todesfall, Revenant Beastmaster, Lich Lord of the Last Legion, and of course, one of the great and powerful Necromancer Barons of Undervast.”

“He’s a lesser Baron, and real insecure about it, as you might be able to tell from his insistence on rambling off of all his pompous titles, like a few fancy words are going to make up for the fact that he’s basically just middle management in a big hat and fancy dress!” Gary shouted.

One of the undead knights unsheathed his sword and pressed its undulating, serrated blade to the nape of Gary’s neck to ensure he wouldn’t interrupt the Baron again.

“Is that a chainsaw sword? Damn, I’ve never been one for melee weapons, but goddamn it if that isn’t badass.”

“Lamentably, this lowly gunsmith and abject failure of a legionary is the reason I’ve been forced to set foot upon the Overworld this day,” von Todesfall explained. “As best as I’m able to understand the perverted mechanisms of his festering mind, he awarded one of my prized fell beasts to you as part of an ill-conceived and even more horrendously executed recruitment scheme.”

“I am getting awfully sick of all the sass coming out of your maggot hole, Todesy!” Gary snapped back. “I may not know how to turn a carcass that was slated for the glue factory into undead, aerial calvary, but the Big Boss filled my head with everything I needed to know to do my job the same as He did for you, and what I need to know is goddamn Civil Defense Points! You see that creepy-looking chick over there? I guess that doesn’t narrow it down much around here, but the redhead with the twisty pigtails! She is a demigod-tier reality bender, armed with divine weapons forged by the Wondermaker, and she’s a Clown, which is fucking terrifying! She is exactly the kind of person that Civil Defense Points were intended to get on our side, so if I say she can substitute a three-story, iron-plated, heavy-assault tank for a zombified Pegasus, then she can substitute a three-story, iron-plated, heavy-assault tank for a zombified Pegasus!”

With a single gesture of command from von Todesfall, the knight behind Gary brought down his sword and severed his head with one swoop, sending it tumbling to the ground.

“…Now that was just uncalled for!” Gary shouted. “I’m livid, do you hear me? Egregiously livid!”

“Let me be clear that I am not accusing any of you of any wrongdoing,” von Todesfall continued as if Gary had not said anything at all. “Nevertheless, that is my fell steed, and my underling here was wildly exceeding his authority when he gave it to you. I am going to have to insist that you return it to me, lest I force the issue further.”

“Todesy, look around you! We’re outnumbered, and we’re outnumbered by Freaks and Clowns!” Gary pointed out. The Circus of the Disquieting was no stranger to interlopers, and a couple of dozen of some of its most powerful members had already formed an intimidating perimeter around the undead invaders. “Clowns clearly outclass zombies on the monster tier list, and I don’t care for the looks of some of those Freaks either! That one guy’s head is on fire and he’s not even flinching! That’s some unsettling mind-over-matter shit right there!”

“Wait!” Lolly shouted, stepping forward and gently pulling Toblerone along with her. “This is stupid. This isn’t worth anyone getting hurt over. If this fungus-head wants his flying horse back, he can take it.”

“Hold on just a minute there, Lolly,” Manny objected, deliberately placing himself between her and von Todesfall. “Begging your pardon, Baron, but Gary here seems quite insistent that his transaction with Lolly was completely legitimate.”

“It was! One hundred percent bona fide! That’s Gunmetal Gary’s Graveyard Guarantee!” Gary proclaimed.

“It doesn’t matter what he says; he’s an idiot!” von Todesfall countered.

“I won’t argue that point, but if I’m recalling the details of his last visit here correctly, his flyers did advertise some kind of Civil Defense Points, so he’s been running this rewards program for at least several years now,” Manny said. “Gary, have you ever made a prize substitution before, and did any one of your superiors ever make an issue of it?”

“Yes to one, no to two! Lollipop there isn’t the first person to find a triple barrel flamethrower or mechanized diesel-punk body armour impractical, so the Barons – the real Barons, the ones who don’t need giant fricking Pope-hats to prove how important they are – said I could let people pick alternative prizes from our Strategic Reserves, and the Noble Stables are part of the reserve cavalry!”

“That fell steed is a part of my personal estate!” von Todesfall reminded him.

“And I drafted him into service as a door prize! The Necromancer Barons of Undervast thank you for your contribution to the cause, citizen!” Gary shouted, before one of the Baron’s knights kicked his head over so that he was facing the ground. “You cannot silence me! Gunmetal Gary will not be silenced! I will die on this hill, you hear me, Todesy?”

“It really seems like the main dispute here is between the two of you, and not you and us, von Todesfall,” Manny insisted. “You just said yourself that you weren’t accusing us of any wrongdoing. I’ll tell you what. If you head back on down to Undervast and get one of the Great Barons to agree that Gary was out of line taking your pony, we’ll let you take it back without a fuss. But until you do that, it appears that Lolly won it fair and square, and we’re not going to be relinquishing it just because you seem to think that we should find you and your bodyguards intimidating. Are we clear, Baron?”

The Necromancer curled his decaying lip up into a disdainful sneer, shifting his scythe to his left hand so that his right was free to hold the reins of his Pegasus.

“I shall be taking my steed back without delay, and if for some delusional reason, you value your ephemeral time among the living, you will not impede me!” he scowled, before producing a sharp whistling from between his rotten teeth. “Tabernacle, to me!”

Toblerone snorted in refusal, taking a few steps backwards and pulling Lolly along with him.

“Tabernacle! To me! Now!” von Todesfall repeated.

The horse neighed and shook his head, now actively trying to flee his former master and the Undervast portal.

“He doesn’t want to go back with you! If he wants to stay here, then you can’t force him to leave against his will!” Lolly claimed.

This nonsensical comment was enough to provoke von Todesfall out of his protective Spell Circle and perimeter of bodyguards, marching straight over to his stolen stallion and snatching his reins out of Lolly’s hands.

“This is my winged fell steed, and I shall do with it as I deem –”

He wasn’t even finished his sentence before Toblerone unfurled his wings and took off into the air, dragging the unfortunate Necromancer along with him.

“My Baron!” the lead knight shouted as he and his retinue gave chase to the errant air horse, alongside all the gathered Circus folk.

“Not to panic, muchachos! Not to panic! I got this!” Gary said, his headless body pulling out a pair of submachine guns it was incapable of aiming in its present state.

Fortunately, Noodles the Clown tackled him to the ground before he got a chance to fire them.

“Hey, I remember you! If you don’t get off my body right this instant, I am going roll over there and gnaw your nuts off like a rabid squirrel!”

Toblerone flew low to the ground, mainly because the uneven distribution of weight caused by his passenger hanging off his front end seriously interfered with his aerodynamics. As he flew through the fairgrounds, a screaming von Tobesfall was dragged through crowds, tents, rides and concessions stands, including a cabbage stand that one Clown had manifested on the spot for the sole purpose of crying out ‘My cabbages!’.

“My Baron! Let go of the reins!” the lead knight shouted as tactfully as he dared.

“Just let go of the reins you braindead Halloween decoration!” Lolly shouted, with no concern for tact whatsoever.

Toblerone swopped a bit lower, now dragging von Tobesfall along the ground in an attempt to dislodge him, but the proud and stubborn Necromancer still refused to concede his chattel. But the horse was just as stubborn, and now focused all of his strength on pulling straight up, with the intent of kicking the Baron off and sending him falling to his demise.

“This is our chance,” Icky said, she and everyone else having caught up to the ascending Pegasus. “Eugene; bazooka! One human-sized cream pie right here!”

“Coming up!” the Elder Clown said, pulling out the bazooka from his oversized pants and firing a single cream pie that managed to land right-side up and instantly grew to about the size of a large hot tub.

“Everyone stand back!” Icky ordered, drawing out a single trick card. Engulfing it in a slicing red aura, she threw it nearly straight up into the air, cutting the reins and sending the Baron plummeting to the ground.

His Eminence Octavius von Tobesfall – Revenant Beastmaster, Lich Lord of the Last Legion, and Necromancer Baron of Undervast – landed face-down in a giant coconut cream pie, the impact sending the delicious desert splattering in all directions.

“You know he’s a Lich, right? He would have survived that fall without the pie,” Manny pointed out.

“Yeah, I know,” Icky replied with a satisfied smirk.

The retinue of knights was now clustered around the pie, assisting the cream-drenched Necromancer back to his feet.

“You dare to humiliate –” the Baron began to rant, before getting hit in the face with an ordinary-sized cream pie from Eugene’s bazooka.

“We dare, buddy, and I don’t think a Lich Priest getting pied in the face is going to get old any time soon, so if I was you, I’d be heading on back to Undervast!” Icky suggested as she caught her falling trick card in between her two front fingers. It still glowed a bright red, and she held it out in the open to let the threat linger.

The Baron furiously wiped the pie from his face and grabbed his scythe from one of his attendants. Muttering incantations in the Chaos Tongue and waving his scythe about wildly purely for show, another portal to Undervast opened beneath them, returning the Baron and his knights to the hell from whence they came.

It was then that Toblerone descended back to the ground, landing beside Lolly and nuzzling her in appreciation, which she reciprocated by eagerly throwing her arms around his neck.

“Thanks, you guys. You… you didn’t have to do that,” she said, her cheeks blushing a luminescent pink.

“You won that zombie Pegasus, and von Tobesfall was way out of line coming up here to dispute it with us in person,” Manny replied. “Besides, it’s legitimately a good attraction. You did good, kid.”

Lolly briefly stuck her tongue out at him over the no-longer-welcomed epithet, but otherwise let it go.

It was then that Noodles finally managed to rejoin the others. The body of Gunmetal Gary had been subdued and was slung over his shoulders; however, the head had his teeth dug into Noodles’ forearm and was tenaciously refusing to let go.

“Gary! You’re still here! Omigawd, are you all right?” Lolly asked, gently prying him loose from her fellow Clown.

“Ptooey! Yeah, don’t worry about me. I’ve been in more pieces than this and been better for it,” he claimed. “Way to go putting Todesy in his place, by the way. And don’t you worry about a thing, either. He’ll never admit this happened, and if he does, I will fight tooth and nail to defend the Civil Defense Points program! Winners are allowed to make substitutions! Atomic Triphibious Assault Vehicles are not for everyone!”

“Thanks for sticking up for us all the same. We appreciate it,” Lolly told him. “Could you use any help in getting put back together? Doctor Tinkles isn’t a Necromancer, but he went to Clown College, so he knows the basis of occult medicine.”

“I’ve received worse under the American Healthcare system. Sure, take me to him,” Gary agreed. “Clown doc or no, he better at least put my head on straight so that nothing falls out. Can you imagine the kind of havoc a guy like me could wreak if I wasn’t all there in the head?”

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