i loved you like the sun - SCP Foundation

It's beautiful here.

It's the sun above my head, it's the grass behind my hair. It's the wind tickling my nose.

I think I smell lavenders. I think a bit of your perfume is still on my shirt. The heat from around me prickles like your fingers after you bite your nails. I think it's making the scents evaporate.

I can't feel my body. I can feel myself going cold, but my blood is unbearably warm. I'm supposed to be scorching under the midday cloudless sky, but it's icey. Somehow I feel my wedding ring, but not my fingers. I think that's the last of my heat receptors. I hope our names aren't scratched off.

I wish I told you everything.

I wish I at least told you more.

I've been in your orbit for years upon years, and you've been my center of gravity. We've walked the same centrifugal force, and we used to lay down just like this. Just like this. Bellies full of sandwiches and sugary juice. You never took a compliment for either, even when I told one of my very rare truths to you— that your soft bread with egg salad filling was my favourite food. Too simple. Too simple, you said, and you smile and laugh and dodge every bit of praise I try to press into your palms and you're as radiant as what my corneas feel blasted off in this field. I want your face to burn behind my eyelids forever.

I'm so over. We're so over.

I remember you asking once, and only once, what I was doing. We were just married, honeymoon at a safehouse in Majalengka. Candied citrus peels, slightly transparent, like stained glass cubes in a little bowl. Dusklight through coloured sugar. Your kisses were so sweet. You asked me what the military had me do that made you restitch a gash on what was supposed to be our wedding night. I remember. I— it's fading, I remember. I think. I felt surprised you asked that then and not when you were wiping my wounds clean. When you packed on gauze. When you made sure your rounds the following week always passed the ward I was in.

I wish I told you everything.

I wish I told you more.

I'm so sorry I told you it was secret. I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you. I'm so sorry everything piled onto this. I'm so sorry for running into the line of fire. I'm so sorry for wasting your perfume. I'm so sorry that even my body will be secret. I'm so sorry that lavender doesn't stop the scent of iron. I'm so sorry there'll be nothing left to sew together. I'm so sorry I have nothing to show for my lies.

I'm still surprised you put up with all that, and me, and this, and the lies on top of my own that will tell you how I didn't die. It happens all the time here. I hope you never find your way into this veil of deception. I hope when you get here they'll finally tell you the truth.

I wonder if they'll give you my ring. You'll be in my orbit because I've been in yours. Did you know all precious metals came from two colliding stars? The sun is a star and if we had two that collided we would die before I could plan a wedding with solid gold ornaments. But my unborn spirit would've at least spared a thought about it, even if two suns together would burn and spell our doom.

I think I'd rather be the moon. So full of shadows, with a dark side you'll never see in your brilliance. You made me shine despite the impossibility of me being radiant myself. I'm most unlike you, and you love me. I love you.

I wish I told you everything.

I wish I told you more.

I wish you could hear my last "I love you."

I wish I could even hear myself.

I wish I could stare at the sun forever.

I wish the darkness would stop seeping in.

I wish I were more you than me.

I lo