If A Bear Shits In The Woods, Does It Make A Sound? - SCP Foundation

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The single most factually accurate tale about a bear making sushi that you'll read today! (and that's the Prismal guarantee)

THIS IS MY VERY FIRST FIC ABOUT MY OCS KAGUYA AND YARA. I HOPE U LIKE THEM!!!!!!! NO FLAMERS OR I'LL SHIT MYSELF.

Kaguya sat meditating in the cool spring evening on Dragonfly Island,1 the breeze pleasantly blowing through her fur rustling the leaves of her sakura2 tree perch, the sweet smell of hascup3 tickling her nose, the song of the uguisu4 dancing on the wind.

A low hum of pleasure moved through her as she contemplated her home, this beautiful nation of which she was the humble guardian. Her ancestors had chosen well their hunting grounds, and she was honored to have been chosen as its protector.

Suddenly, the scene felt off, the songbird's warbling took on a shrill tone, a warm pungent odor wafted from the greenery and intermixed with that of berries. Her ears flattening, Kaguya descended from her perch, blowing and pawing at the dirt as she swiveled her head, warning any who may approach.

"Who disturbs the Guardian Bear of Japan?"

A low rumble responded from the greenery as an imposing brown-pelted figure approached bearing a woven basket, and began circling her.

"You've lost your touch Kaguya". The voice said mockingly "Time was, you'd have smelled me coming miles away."

"Hmph, I must simply have mistaken you for a serow.5 Why is it you trouble me, Yama?"

Yama snuffed.

"Trouble you? Oh, ho, ho! Indeed I shall, for I am here to at last regain the title of Guardian for the honor of the Ussuri."6

Kaguya huffed.

"You challenge me once more, Yama? Will you never abandon this foolish quest?"7

"Not so long as I draw breath."

The clacking of powerful teeth could be heard from the Ussuri as Kaguya responded.

"So be it."

As Yama opened his basket, Kaguya retrieved her own from the cherry8blossom tree and did the same. Each bear removed their bento box, ready to unleash the power within.

Summoned by the challenge, the great guardian Administabear, leader of the High Council of Bears, appeared in the heavens above, his visage stern and disciplined, ready to impart judgement as he feasted on udon.9

"Oh great guardian Administrabear," supplicated Kaguya "what is your decree for this challenge?"

With a voice like thunder the heavens responded:

THERE SHALL BE THREE BATTLES. THE CHALLENGER NEED ONLY WIN ONCE TO SUPPLANT THE CHAMPION.

Both bears bowed before the wise judgement.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR JUDGEMENT GREAT ADMINISTRABEAR!" the rivals responded in tandem.

The Administrabear slurped some more udon.

"Mmmm. Do your best, my Guardian Bear."

A single tear rolled down Kaguya's face.

"Thank you… father…"

The Administrabear snuffed, a great gust of wind which sent cherry blossoms flying.

"BEARS, DRAW YOUR BLADES."

The Ussuri and Moon Bear10 both drew their chopsticks, elegant and nimble despite their large paws.

"Three! Two! One! HEY RASSHAI!"

With her taihaku chopsticks held high, Kaguya spun with all her spirit, knowing that not only her ancestors, but all of Japan itself, was counting on her, she spun her trusty partner.

"Shine bright, Dark Moon!"

Filled with determination, his eyes burning with the rage of his fallen forebears,11 Yama used his own pair of jet-black chopsticks to spin sushi with all his might.

"Fuck her up, Sakurajima!"

The sushiblade both spun onto the sushifield as the world ground to a halt around them.

The two circled each other, probing for weaknesses, spinning up for an attack.

"Go, Sakurajima! Use Sriracha12 Surge!"

Suddenly, Sakurajima erupted towards Dark Moon, it's red hot sriracha setting aflame as its spin increased in speed slamming into its opponent which quickly turned to a tempura13 crisp.

"Ha!" laughed Yama "Pathetic. And to think I was actually worried."

"Patience, Yama, my friend isn't done with you yet."

Suddenly, the sushi emerged from its tempura shell with a Cool Cucumber Blast, splashing Sakurajima and neutralizing its fiery temper.

"Fukanō!"14 Snarled Yama.

Weakened, Sakurajima tried one last attack, attempting to overpower the ehomaki15 with its creaminess, but it's avocado-cream cheese combination was no match for the juicy tanginess of Dark Moon's mango and pickled ginger.16

Soon, Sakurajima slowed, its heat neutralized, its binds loosening, it fell.

"Match set! The winner is Dark Moon and Kaguya!"

"Alright, Dark Moon! Way to go!" celebrated Kaguya, embracing her sushi blade as Yuma consumed his fallen ally in one powerful gulp.

"Hmph," grunted the Ussuri. "You won't be so lucky next time."

"This is no mere luck Yama! This is the bond between chef and sushiblade, cooked in the fires of battle."

Kaguya lovingly slathered uruchimai17 onto her partner, healing its wounds sustained in battle.

Meanwhile, Yama readied his second dish for battle, removing a sweet fruity smelling roll from his bento box.

"Round Two! Three! Two! One! HEY RASSHAI!"

"Behold, the ultimate dessert roll, Sugar Mountains!"18

"You've got this Dark Moon, you've just gotta believe!"

Dark Moon lunged at Sugar Mountains, taking the initiative, and hit with its Tuna Tumble! But wait what's this? The two were stuck together by Sugar Mountains' Mochi19 Moussetrap! Sugar Mountains, still spinning and took Dark Moon along for the ride as the savory roll began to crumble, as the sweetness began to overpower the umami flavor.

"Ha! You may be able to handle the heat, but not the sweet, eh Kaguya?"

Kaguya, despite herself began a low growl of worry as her sushiblade began to wobble. For a moment. almost. seeming. to. s t o p. It seemed the fight was nearly lost, but Kaguya would not lose her hope.

"Dark Moon! My great negai20 is for us to succeed! Let's all try our best, okay?!"

Suddenly, Dark Moon began to spin up again, as if surging with energy as it used… TEMPURA TRAP! suddenly the tempura shrimp's hard shells began to crumble attaching itself to the enemy, quickly slowing it down as it gave the the bilberry and honeysuckle filling an unwelcome crunch.

Sugar Mountains fell, and not a moment too soon, as Dark Moon crumbled soon after.

"Dark Moon!" cried Kaguya, as she hurried to her partner's side "Rest now, I'll make you good as new!"

Kaguya quickly opened up several containers of fresh ingredients and began chopping them with her powerful claws.

First she unrolled her nori paper, then she wet her paw pads and applied some still warm rice. Next, she lined up the avocado, smoked salmon, shrimp tempura and kyūri,21 as well as some pickled ginger and fresh mango.

Finally she rolled it in her makisu, applying strong pressure and making a silent wish. Soon enough she felt her partner's soul exit its former shell and enter its new body.

Meanwhile, Yara picked up his second defeat and quickly consumed it, clacking his teeth.

"Will you not yield, Yara?"

"Not so long as there is vengeance to seek. When we lost this land to the Moon Bears during the Fourth Hyogaki ,22 my forebears vowed we would come home again."

Kaguya snorted in acknowledgement.

"A noble goal, Yara, but we need not fight for it. Let our clans unite as one and no longer be as enemies. We might have been a kazoku once, we could be again."

Yara's snout showed a brief moment of tenderness. Perhaps— but no, he'd come too far, done too much in service of his goal to best her, he mustn't falter now.

"Bah, and admit subservience to a cub like you? Never. I am your better in all ways and shall prove it, once I've taken your station of Guardian Bear once and for all!"

The two took their positions as they prepared for the final battle. Kaguya with her staunch ally and Yama with his final weapon.

"Round Three! Three! Two! One! HEY RASSHAI!"

"Last one, let's do it Dark Moon!" encouraged Kaguya, spinning her friend with her neon white chop sticks.

"Hmph, don't be so cocky Kaguya!" taunted Yama "I still have a secret weapon after all." Yama pulled out a heretofore unseen bento box. One so black it seemed to take the very color out of the air. As Yama opened it a tantalizing smell emerged, and he quickly spun up his sushiblade.

The two sushi slammed together, white-hot sparks flying where they connected. Dark Moon used its full body attack to knock back its opponent.

"Oi oi, Yama, aren't you going to introduce us? How rude it is to start a match without meeting your enemy."

Yama grinned a devious smile.

"Heh, there are no introductions to make, for this is The Sushi Roll With No Name.

Suddenly, the awesome roll gained an otherworldly texture, and knocked Dark Moon off its axis, causing it to wobble.

"Uso-?! You can't mean… That's impossible…"

"Heh heh heh…. Yes Kaguya, it's true…."

"No!"

"Yes.. heh heh heh…. Since we last met I've journeyed to The Woods of Which We Do Not Speak where I trained in the way of Those Who Shit in the Woods. "

A savory scent caught on the air as the enemy sushiblade turned a a pinkish hue.

"No!"

"Ha ha ha… yes…. I nearly lost my name and my life, Kaguya, but I finally did it."

"No! It's not true! Tell me you didn't use Those Who Swim Upstream…"

"Ha ha yes…. at least you see my true potential…. This victory will be…"

Yama licked his chops.

"Delicious…"

Its True Nature revealed, small orange spheres began to jut out of the most Taboo of sushi and flit towards Dark Moon.

Dark Moon swerved to avoid several of them, but was finally caught by one. The orb exploded with flavor, sending Dark Moon into a tail spin.

Yama cackled, looking upon his opponent to witness her defeat, and saw a single tear descend her snout.

"Eh heh heh, don't cry Kaguya-chan, once I've won perhaps I'll save you a pit from your beloved sakura tree."

"My brother bear, you have engaged in the Darkest of Sushi Arts, and thus truly have fallen. I do not cry for my sake,23 but for what I must do next…"

Kaguya shut her eyes and quickly entered a meditative trance as the sushi clashed once more with a boom.

"Oi oi, you're taking a nap at a time like this? You're going to miss my victory?"

The rolls slammed together once more, Dark Moon beginning to lose its luster as its very soul seemed to be consumed by the darkest of sushi

"Eh hahehhehhehehh hhahahha hooo hooo hahahhahhehehhehehhehehehheehehheheeheheheheh hahehaehah hoo hoho ho hahah he heeee hehhehehehehe,24 my victory is at last at hand!"

But Kaguya remained silent, and began to glow and rise into the air. As she did, so too did her soulbound sushi.

"Eh? What's this."

In the sky above the full moon shone brightly, as Kaguya raised further into the sky.

"Yama, do you not realize? You will never defeat me. By my masters, the Guardian Bear of Yellowstone,25 the Guardian Bear of China,26 and Jeremy Allen White!27 I bid the Holy Spirit of Sushi to…"

"EMPYR-ACTIVATE!"

As the moon shone more and more brightly, Yama was forced to look away. Until, suddenly, with a great howling, the moon turned black, and a glowing white bear girl28 appeared floating above the field.

"Dark Moon Screaming!"

Kaguya clenched her bear fists. The Administrabear looked down from his spaghetti with awe.

"Yama Ussari, you have commited crimes against the High Council of Bears, and the Will of Sushi itself, and thus must now die!"

A single tear rolled down Kaguya's face.

"I'm sorry…. brother…."

As the goddess of the moon bears moon blast engulfed its opponent sushi, Yama put his snout in his paws, clearly dejected, his body wracked with sobs.

As Kaguya's belly badge glowed with golden light, she aimed her right paw at her old rival, ready to do what must be done.

"When you get to Corbenic, tell mother I said…. Konnichi-what's up…"

Yama seemed to sob louder and louder, until suddenly it was clear to Kaguya that he wasn't crying at all…. he was laughing.

"Eh? what's so funny?" asked the confused champion.

"Take another look at the field, dear cousin."

Taking her eyes off of her opponent she returned her gaze to the field. Where she saw her goddess… breaking out in hives???

Kaguya came to a realization with horror. Didn't she smell something…. sweet?

"No!"

"Haha… yes…"

"No, it can't be!"

"But it is…."

"It's impossible!"

Yama laughed darkly.

"You've lost, Kaguya…"

Panicing, Kaguya blasted Yama with her godly energy. Only for it to pounce off of him harmlessly.

"No…"

Kaguya and Dark Moon Screaming both simultaneously fell to their knees. Yara walked on the field to retrieve his own dark partner.

"Heh, did you really think I'd go to The Hundred Acre Woods without gaining instruction from the Fool Bear himself?

Yara stuck a finger in his roll and then licked it.

" Mmmm, Hunny Wasabi."

"No…"

The Administabear looked down with disappointment and shed a single tear, losing his appetite.

"Match…. Set! The new Champion Bear of Japan is… Yara!"

Newly empowered, Yara, walked off towards the woods, to inform the other Ussuri, but not before turning back one last time.

"See you around…. Sister…"

Kayuga clenched her bear fists, her teeth clacking, her body wracked with sobs, as she sat in the wreckage of her ehomaki and her wishes. The leaves of the sakura tree fell around her with the breeze, dying.

Kayuga was lost. What was her purpose now?

Suddenly, a white suited man fell from the heavens.

"Kayuga, I need your help! The Moon Onikuma29 have brought the Moon War to Japan! Only Dark Moon Screaming can save us now!"

In shock, Kaguya lifted her head from her despair and looked upon the Moon Guardian.

"???FATHER???"

<—- TO BE CONTINUED

Footnotes

1. more commonly known as Yamato, or Niphon, Dragonfly Island is a small landmass with a population less than that of Java, Indonesia.

2. a pale white tree known for its pink sakuranbo berries.

3. The hascup, or hachimitsmu berry, is a blueberry native to Nippon, known for its amazuppai flavor.

4. a bird.

5. a particularly foul smelling species of goat.

6. brown bears worshiped by the Ainu people.

7. also known as a "mission" or "job".

8. a fruit similar to that of the Sakura tree.

9. a variety of Japanese spaghetti.

10. so-called because they hail from the moon.

11. ancestor bears of four generations prior.

12. spicy catsup.

13. deep fried.

14. fukanō means impossible.

15. a thick, rolled sushi traditionally enjoyed during the Japanese holiday, Setsubun.

16. a red-haired or ginger-haired person. 2% of the world's population is ginger.

17. a white grain typically applied to sushi and cell phones.

18. [REDACTED]

19. a variety of fried ice cream.

20. a negai is a silently invoked hope or desire, especially in a ritualized way. There is no known equivalent term.

21. an unsavory pickle.

22. the Pleistocene (or Quaternary) glaciation.

23. pronounced "sah-keh".

24. an expression of joy.

25. a powerful practitioner of bear yoga.

26. a master of martial arts.

27. star of Hulu's "The Bear".

28. resembling an unshaven human woman.

29. monstrous Bears.