Zyn Says The F-Word - SCP Foundation

Researcher Zyn Kiryu had absolutely no idea what to expect today as she stepped inside Site-19.

The Site was as peachy as usual. With its reinforced titanium walls and grimey, bland-looking rooms—she was beginning to feel excited. Why? No reason. The author just couldn't think of a better word to put there, honestly. Anyway, someone from maintenance must've brightened the overhead lights above, which made everything shine a bright hue of yellow. As she passed the receptionist's desk, she couldn't help but internally monologue to herself. Because that's what you do when you can't fucking write dialogue and you still need to characterize the protagonist, apparently. Wow, she thought un-enthusiastically. Nothing could beat this. Her smile brightened as she continued towards Kiryu Labs, trying her hardest to ignore the pains and shrieks of D-Class who were currently having their pelvis's twisted like a pretzel stick. Could they be any louder? Just shut up already, weaklings.

She finally arrived at her desk. Awaiting her was a work-laptop, which buzzed alive after Kiryu grazed the mousepad. It wasn't surprising to see that she already had several notifications.

FROM: Site-19/HR (Group)

TO: Zyn Kiryu

Two new troublemakers. It'll be your job to dispose of them. Do whatever you need, just don't let them become nuisances again. We've already sent you the details.

Good luck.

Perfect. Her excitement from before was quickly wearing off.

This wasn't her usual job. In reality, she was supposed to be doing other things, like studying some stupid music box anomaly that apparently caused some shit back at Site-811. But no, she just had to be recommended for HR because apparently posting the same goddamned copypasta on forums posts was "too much work" for everyone else.

It's not like she wanted to do it any more than them. Who do they think she is? A fucking unicorn?

That was when she exhaled the smoke that billowed from her Robusto cigar, before promptly dropping the cancer stick and stomping it against the floor. She wasn't a smoker. That was an obvious character detail. Apparently, the author hadn't fucking read enough about Zyn Kiryu from the hub page to know what he was doing. Fucking dumbass.

But fuck it, if the idiot writing this was going to make her out to be some sort of female Arnold Schwarzenegger on steroids—so be it. She shook her head, for no goddamned reason, before scrolling down the list of other notifications that she received.

FROM: Site-19/HR (Group)

TO: Zyn Kiryu

Your first assignment: Zara Whatii.

Apparently they haven't been getting the gist around here. Breaching security protocols, low effort documentation, the entire shtick. Take care of it for us, please.

Attached to the email was a link, which Kiryu promptly clicked on. Instant regret filled her lungs—clicking on that fucking thing was a mistake. On her screen were a series of low-effort fan-fiction stories and even lower-effort fanfiction stories. They were unimpressive, to say the least. Kiryu sighed. She knew what she had to do, although a part of her never liked doing it. Within moments, she had already drafted her email for the poor, unfortunate researcher.

FROM: Zyn Kiryu

TO: Zara Whatii

Greetings,

You are receiving this email due to a series of low effort posts that you have been making on the SCiP.net network as well as the Site-19 database. As our records show, you have been creating articles that differ vastly in quality and behavior since you initially joined. I regret to inform you that, effectively immediately, you will be required to leave the premises. This is your official termination.

Thank you again.

Zyn Kiryu, Site-19

She felt better after hitting the send button. A sense of calmness washed over her like a shitty romance scene in some cheesy rom-com. Kiryu felt hopeful for the first time since she entered Site-19. Maybe things would get easier for her? Maybe this little side-hustle could really teach her about the virtues of honesty and patience?

Her computer dinged an unfortunate sound. Anxiety quickly filled her lungs. Was HR giving her another task?

FROM: Zara Whatii

TO: Zyn Kiryu

What do you mean "official termination?!" For what?!

Oh no.

Zyn's hands frantically went to her keyboard. She already had 25 words typed out, all of which apologetic in nature. She really didn't know what to send, admittedly. But, despite her best efforts, not even her hyper-fast fingers could withstand the begrudged researcher's anger. Another email quickly flashed in her inbox.

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I AM A REAL WRITERR STOPPP UNBAN ME UNBAM ME NAZI NAZI

RACIST YOURE A RACIST FUCKING NAZI FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I AM A REAL WRITERR STOPPP UNBAN ME UNBAM ME NAZI NAZI [the same paragraph was copypasted another dozen or so times]

She loved a good challenge, and this was certainly no exception.

Within moments, she had already ejected the researcher from the SCiP.net database. And, after nearly twenty minutes, Kiryu had completely flushed Whatii from the system. She had also contacted Site-19 security, who was already sending a dispatch team to her location. She could only wish those suckers good-fucking-luck. They were going to need it.

In the back of her mind, she was thankful. This was only 1 out of 2. Surely that was going to be the worst of it, yeah? She released another sigh, but this time out of relief. Maybe she would finally be able to get back to her job. That's all she really wanted, after all. She turned her mind back towards the laptop. Another email was awaiting her.

FROM: Site 19/HR (Group)

TO: Zyn Kiryu

Second assignment: dr penut. Be careful with this one: the son-of-a-bitch is elusive. Probably anomalous, we don't know. Dig up whatever you can, but get this guy out of our Site.

There was another link. Fear gripped Zyn Kiryu as she hovered menacingly over the colored text. Should I do it? Her previous scars flashed in the fronts of her eyes. After all, the link before was an utter shitfest. It was fucking awful, practically torture for her body and spirit. Was she really going to succumb herself to that pain once more?

She clicked on that bitch like a fucking boss. She wasn't going to be intimidated by anything.

Upon clicking the hyperlink, Kiryu was brought to a magnificent page. Something that could only be described as "jaw-dropping" or, in case we want to get cultural, like that one scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the original one, FUCK that newer piece of shit. Like really, what in the HELL was that casting?) As she scrolled down, she could see nothing but quality articles and documentation. The Researcher was prolific, constantly giving feedback to newer researchers in need and even dedicating his time to helping others perfect the craft of SCP Documentation. The dude was clearly a saint.

This was going to be hard, even for a master like Zyn Kiryu.

Her heart dropped as she continued scrolling. There was legitimately nothing. The dude could have killed a puppy and nobody would bat an eye. She was feeling utterly hopeless. After another several minutes of scrolling and searching, she was just on the border of giving up. Calling it quits, going to her supervisors, and confessing that she simply couldn't do the job that they wanted. She hadn't ever felt this deprived in her life. She just wanted to be home.

But, as her final inklings of hope and happiness left her body—that was when she saw it. Her opportunity, the once in the lifetime screwup that this bastard hadn't thought to cover up.

FROM: Zyn Kiryu

TO: dr penut

Greetings,

You are receiving this email due to a potential security breach that was believed to have been caused by you. As you are aware: Foundation personnel are required to memorize the Site password in order to enter the premises and continue their assigned duties. From our records, it appears that you have incorrectly guessed the passcode no less than 3 times, which warrants a security audit and/or termination due to potential anomalous hazards.

You are directed to leave your workstation immediately. You may be allowed back to the Site once you are able to ascertain the passcode, which was initially provided to you during Orientation.

Thanks,

Zyn Kiryu, Site-19

She had done it.

She couldn't believe it. A sudden urge to jump from her seat quickly rippled within her. She felt like David after he flung that fucking rock at Goliath and killed the giant. Zyn Kiryu had done the impossible. Her mind began racing, contemplating her experiences so far. Maybe she was capable of so much more?

Is this what it's like to be HR? Kiryu asked herself. No wonder so many people were going into the field despite the amount of shit they had to undergo. This was euphoric! There was no way else to describe it. Feelings of immense proudness engulfed Kiryu like a tsunami. Can you blame her? It was definitely warranted after toppling a literal God like dr penut.

But that was until she heard the ding of her notifications once more.

FROM: dr penut

TO: Zyn Kiryu

im dr penut

Oh, he was good.

But Kiryu was much, much better. She wasn't going to let some Chad overtake her. How could she? She was Zyn motherfucking Kiryu. The champ. The ruler of the world (practically, still hasn't happened yet but that's just a formalities thing until she finds the title). Within moments, her reply had been fully typed out. She smirked as her mouse hovered over the Send button.

FROM: Zyn Kiryu

TO: dr penut

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in Harvard, and I’ve been involved in numerous operations inside Site-19, Site-17, Site-05, AND Site-01

I am trained in low-priority anomalous items and I’m the top Researcher in the entire Eastern quadrant. You are nothing to me but just another shit-stain. I will wipe you the fuck out with degrees the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.

You think you can get away with being that fucking perfect? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Foundation personnel across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, bitch. The anomalous storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with the butterflies I keep nearby.

Not only am I extensively trained in anomalous phenomena, but I have access to the entire arsenal of Site-19 security's ward and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” stunt was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue.

But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it.

You’re fucking dead, dr penut.

She hit send, before immediately feeling herself retch inside her mouth. She had totally forgotten something that was practically second-nature to her. How could she?! A part of her felt slightly embarrassed. But not to worry—she knew she could fix it easily. Within seconds, she had already edited the email, frantically trying to fix the mistake that she had just made.

As a courtesy to our readers on mobile devices, please collapse long posts. ~Zyn Kiryu

"Whew," Kiryu began. "That was close. Fuck."

Footnotes

1. Nice plug you fucking moron.