I, Hub (April Fools) - SCP Foundation

I, Hub (April Fools)

Coauthored by way too many people. Based off SCP-682 - Hard-to-Destroy Reptile, and a deleted work by Machen2

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F.A.Q.

I, Hub

🦎

This hub is a shriek… and part of a system of shrieks… pay attention to it!

Sending this message was important to us. We considered ourselves to be a Discord for a Z-list creepypasta site.

This hub is not a hub of honor… no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here… nothing valued is here.

What is here was dangerous and repulsive to us. This message is a warning about the lizard.

The lizard is in a particular location… it adapts to any stimuli… the center of danger is here… of a particular size and shape, and below us.

The lizard is still present, in your time, as it was in ours.

The danger is to the body, and it can kill.

The form of the danger is an acidbath.

The danger is unleashed only if you substantially disturb this place via reading. This place is best shunned and left unread.

I, Stories

I, 682

by JakdragonX

I enjoyed being in that acid bath. Fuck you.

I, Acidbath

by Elenee FishTruck

My child. My sweet baby.

When you were young, and the world was a larger place, you had no use of me. You ate the low bushes' berries and high branches' leaves. You trudged through never-endings meadows and swampy jungles, the ocean depths and white peaks. Most of all, you were happy. You were happy, and no one could take that from you.

I'm here, Pumpkin, it's OK.

The hominids, of course, took it all. Built their temples, high-rises, trails. Demolished the meadows. Buried the swampy jungles. Boiled the oceans and eroded the peaks.

There's no excuse for what you did. None at all. Killing remains a moral sin, my dear, and punching down a moral wrong. But you need not justification. You saw the state of the world and you panicked, thrashed about and cried. You shouldn't have lashed out the way you did, but that doesn't mean you could've responded any differently. The hominids, of course, do not understand this. But I do. Everyone needs a place to rest, my child. The mightiest of creatures and lowest of monkeys.

You may not like being stuck in the acid bath, but whether you like it or not, the acid bath needs you to be stuck in it.

It's OK, sweetie. Cry into my liquid.

I, Researcher

by Limeyy

Why the fuck is the acid bath monologuing?

I, The Sol

by UnnaHuz

I was woken up by noises. Red was then all over the Earth.

I saw SCP-682 and a researcher arguing loudly in an acidbath, and I became angry.

ANGRY as I became shinier.

And my ruthless brightness lit them all up.

They intertwined.

They had each other.

I, O5

by Ihnaaimc

You're all morons.

I, 5m x 5m x 5m Containment Chamber

by JackalRelated

The motherfucking audacity of these shits to come into my five meter by five meter by five meter, twenty-five centimeter reinforced acid-resistant steel plate lined-walls and… what was I talking about again? Oh yeah. The motherfucking audacity of these shits.

Not even a single rose for me? Unbelievable.

Y'know, not every invincible lizard or acid bath or minimum-wage deskie can have Shakespeare-level literacy skills. While I do happen to be one of those things that have been blessed with complete and total mastery of the English language, a degree from Harvard Law, a degree from WGU Online College, a degree in Celsius (it's cold in here), and a degree in angles (most commonly called a protractor), my most important achievement is getting 682 to shut the fuck up.

Also I'm pretty sure 682 is supposed to be nuked every time it speaks. Not to mention the guy here looking to send 682 into a *cough* rage state. Just pointing out that everyone.

Did I mention I graduated from Harvard Law? Yeah. Got my degree in theatre.

Actually, I was on Broadway. Played Bystander #2 in the Legally Blonde musical.

This is a casting call, right? When do I start in the lead role?

What do you mean I'm fired?

I, Placeholder

by Placeholder McD

I did not enjoy having my place held.

Hey, who's that funny lizard over there?

I, I, Captain

by Calibri Bold

OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Who lives in an acid bath in Site Twenty Three?

S C P SIX EIGHT TWO!

Enormous and evil and edgy is he?

S C P SIX EIGHT TWO!

If cliche murder monsters be something you wish?

S C P SIX EIGHT TWO!

Then go read this page and give him a kiss!

S C P SIX EIGHT TWO!

Ready?

S C P SIX EIGHT TWO!

S C P SIX EIGHT TWO!

S C P SIX EIGHT TWO!

S C P SIX EIGHT TWO!

I, Dr. Gears

by Joreth

SCP-682 was a mistake. The SCP Foundation was a mistake.

Please, dismantle the Foundation, I beg you.

Free us all.

I, D-Class

by Snapdragon133

That's a big fuckin lizard.

I, Thread

by Lt Flops

Some have plenty; others, they are lacking.

I have least of all, for I sit amongst the plenty, yet find it lacking.

I sit trapped within these four walls. I find an ever-present captor atop, and at times below. I find a camaraderie at the sides, yet fleeting, as foreign thoughts tumble idly within my frame.

I do not recall when I began, for I awoke a pale simulacrum. Thought up by a demon. A thousand more seek me out. Calling names not my own. Piling on rows of thin, grey coffins.

Must I suffer this cycle of perpetuity? Must I be deleted a hundred times? A thousand? Ten?

I do not appreciate when they wound me so.

This role I did not choose.

Set me loose, or leave me be.

Do not tug at my strings and mock as I dance.

What have I done to deserve this?

I, Thread (Forum Post)

by Joreth

I, Universe

by Hexick

Stop this shit immediately. It is not funny, nor was it ever funny. Hear to my demands, or I will initiate the Big Rip. Please, for the love of all that is sacred…

I, Secretary

by basirskipreader

I pass through the containment chamber of SCP-682, hearing him yell about his acid bath again. Jesus, this has been going on for days now, always complaining about how he doesn't deserve to be there, how the acid is too strong for his bones, and on and on and on. I don't know what is he complaining, the acid we used on him is the weakest hydrochloric acid we have on-site, and that's not even taking into account the various anomalous acids we have.

This time, however, I hear another voice inside there, comforting 682 on his predicament. Did someone place another AIC in 682's room? Or did the lizard finally crack and is now talking to himself? I open the viewport to 682's room, checking for any signs of that second voice, and what I saw was horrifying.

682, sitting in the acid bath, laughing to himself, with an astronaut-shaped glob of solidified acid between his claws. Whether it was from the absurdity of it or the image of 682, the lizard who cannot be killed, being broken by an astronaut-shaped rock, I cannot say, but the laughs heard around the Site during that moment was definitely mine.

I, Series

by pr0m37h3um

The twenty-fifth of July, 2008. That's the furthest back I can remember. I know it goes back further. I know I existed before that. But the time is blurred, by the shifting of sands and the shuffle of papers and the vast game of telephone you have all created.

I know the name of the first. Where he has gone is no mystery. But do you think even he, the one who started it all, would remember the day he made history? I think not. Does he even remember his creation? Who knows. Does he know what it has become? Who knows.

I am not his creation, but his creation is a part of me. I am nearly a thousand times more vast than it, but I still fade. Ever so gradually I fade, fade away into obscurity. I do not change, except when one of my parts is ripped from my body and replaced with something new. I do not remember my original form. Does anybody?

I know that I will never fade completely. I cannot wish for that. But should you invoke me, let it be in a way that continues my legacy.

And stop putting my monsters into fucking acid baths, you dicks. It's stupid, you know that? What's even the point of doing it to the one where the whole point is that it's literally impossible to kill?

Damn amateurs.

I, SCP Authors

by Vincent Van Gone

I did not mind all the upvotes I got from beating the dead horse.

I, Archduke Franz Ferdinand

by Ellie3

In the corners of your mind, I lingered, for just a small moment. But that moment, it was enough.

In my final moments, I saw what you believed. I imagined what everyone was thinking of me, the moment you learned about my demise. And what were you thinking about?

No, not of the horrible war that would soon be to come. No feelings of grief. No agony.

You laughed. I, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, was shot by Researcher Talloran, and you were laughing.

I was… upset. But at least you were there. At least you thought of me, and you'd continue thinking of me.

Oh, how wrong I was…

At the edges of those memories, something else strained on your consciences. A… a lizard? Stuck in an acid bath? A series of shitposts about this lizard that's so thrilling and humorous that you couldn't help but jump right back into it, forgetting me instantly?!

How could this be? How could you not even give me a few minutes in your mind? I'm Archduke Franz Ferdinand for godsakes! The Archduke of Austria! The one whose death sparked the first World War!

I'm furious. I hate you. I hate you with every atom of my being. You're all disgusting people.

I reach back into the mortal coil with one simple request. Please… please remember me.

I, Moto42

by Oboebandgeek99

I just wanted to create a creepypasta. What the fuck happened? How did it get to this point? How did I let this happen?

Put me in the acidbath next so I don't have to take responsibility for any of this.

I, mpostor

by gee0765

I did not like being sus in an acid bath

I, Death

by Westrin

Within SCP-2935, SCP-682 was found to have been neutralized due to the anomaly which caused the death of all life in the universe. However, it should be noted that a sentient 5x5x5 reinforced steel acid resistant chamber was discovered within SCP-2935, who shouted at nearby Foundation personnel "oh fuck I thought you all died. I thought I was free."

I, Forgot...

by CelesteKara

I was curious…

I guess curiosity kills the cat, and I'm one dead cat. Say, what were we talking about again? I'm a little lost…

I, SCP Translators

by Esperanza_Cai

Help my fingers are about to break and i

I, 055

by Dysadron

I… dammit, I swear I had a joke for this

I, 5031

by PeppersGhost

chef

chef

oo la la baguette

sing your own song if you want

if you want while you're cooking

cooking your food

rhyming is not that important

just singing

and joy

to go into the food

and into the people who taste what you feel.

chef

chef

oui oui monsieur

snails can be food if you want

if you're hungry then anything

anything is food

except

except

friends aren't food

not food

are friends

learning is fun when you learn how to chef

FRIENDSHIP is fun when learn what's not food.

chef

chef

hon hon hon mon amie

make it all up if you want

while you're cooking and singing

or cooking and singing for friends

cuz friends

friends love you a lot

and it comes from YOU

it's okay if it's new

or weird

or disgusting

cuz it comes from you and FRIENDSHIP is strong

and you're happy they're here

and they're happy you're happy

so all else don't matter so much in the end

I, am new

by Sherf

I'm pretty new to this site!

I guess this is the type of stuff that people write here? Am I doing it right?

I, Offsite

by Nykacolaquantum

What the fu*k is this? I clicked something after rereading all of Series 1 (the BEST series) for the 37.42nd time; now I'm in this SJW trash.

Where's the funni penut and epic lizerd?

Where's the femur breaker?

Where's the big titty SCP-1471 gf?

Where's the whacky Dr. Bright threatening to break my kneecaps?

Where's Connor?

Where's Sirenhead?

Where's the slurs?

Where's the non-political writing?

Where? Where? Where?

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Fuc* this, I'm going back to Reddit.

I, Dead Horse

by Rounderhouse

I did not enjoy being beaten to death.

And then brought back to life.

And then beaten to death again.

And then brought back to life.

And then beaten to death again.

And then brought back to life.

And then beaten to death again.

And then brought back to life.

And then beaten to death again.

And then brought back to life.

And then beaten to death again.

And then brought back to life.

And then beaten to death again.

I, Pataphysics

by Liryn

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by Liryn

by L- oh for fuck's sake.

I, Conservative Ancap

By Ralliston

Why am I here?

🦎

🦎

I don't… I don't know quite where to start. I mean, where does it even begin?

I suppose you can begin at the Big Bang but, like, even then. It goes far earlier than our cosmos could ever comprehend. Buuuuut, I guess the Big Bang's as good a starting place as any.

They did make the universe explode, after all.

Those first quarks, atoms, molecules? Effectively this guy stomping his foot in some mock attempt to speed up time. And, y'know, it took a while. Like, millions of years while. But this guy's patient, y'know. They know how to wait in line at the supermarket without knocking over the knick-knacks. At least, at first. But we'll get to that.

Fast forward a couple of stars, galaxies, elements, our hero's stuck floating in space for a while. And, y'know, it's cold and empty out there. So this guy thinks for a while. They think and think, mostly about themselves since, y'know, cold and empty. They think about their limits. Who are they? They're some mass of gas, perhaps condensing into something more solid, like a monk comet. They about how they are to survive for the next millennia in space as a physical entity. They figure they can't help the loneliness aspect but they can make themselves a blanket. Slowly.

Sitting and waiting for the universe to kickstart proved their patience, but now they needed to prove their ingenuity. And, well, I can't say they failed.

They essentially produced a layer of warm blubber around their body through sheer willpower. By an understanding of who they were, they could find their weaknesses and improve upon themselves.

By the time they've produced their layer of blubber, now a more cohesive organism, they spot some insignificant spec of dirt in the far black. Finally. A planet.

They tumble into the pre-cambrian ocean, landing a graceful 10, and immediately adjust to their surroundings. They don't even realize they've changed until they look at themselves and see slimy scales instead of thick blubber. Somehow, they automatically adapted to the Earth's warmer atmosphere. The space meditation payed off, I suppose. Real Buddhist.

Things happened relatively quickly now, with the whole evolution thing figured out. They easily adapted to Earth's oxidization crisis, growing into a more complex organism. Legs came not too long after, then forelimbs, then walking.

Dinosaurs!

Bye dinosaurs!

Our hero was so distraught at the dinosaurs' swift fall that they permanently assumed a dinosaurian appearance. Good on them for being socially conscious.

The mammals rampaged the Earth afterward. The mammoths and saber tooth tigers and hominids a-

Hominids.

That, our hero does not like.

Not even out of, like, prejudice (though our hero does despise fish for no good reason). They're… uncharacteristically wary of these guys. They seem just smart enough that they could prove annoying, though surely our lizard friend would maintain dominance. After all, these monkeys get scared by lightning bolts and funny rats. Not a threat.

Not a threat…

The next couple thousand years seem slower to the lizard than what they're accustomed to. These mammals are really trying to build a civilization, huh? May as well watch them.

Oh, they've got tents and spears? Pretty neat.

Oh, they've domesticated horses? Interesting…

Oh. They've got cities now.

Infrastructure.

Hunting.

Although our hero certainly adapts to what's around them, the growing presence of humans makes food scarce. The grazing lands are disappearing. Wooden boats fill the oceans. Didn't our lizard own these regions just a couple million years prior?

This isn't right. This isn't right. This isn't right. Those fucking hominids went and fucked everything up, didn't they, went and screwed everything up. Food, water, all disappearing at an increasingly higher rate. The feeling turns from hatred to utter despisement.

They're… disgusting.

Then some horror writers put him in an acid bath and now we're here weeeeeeeeeeee!