Fluffy Little Kitty - SCP Foundation

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Act I - Scene IV

Spotlight on the bar section of the pub. Lighting is dimmer than Scene I, and the bar-stools are gone. Dana is alone on stage, cleaning glasses with a rag, and then placing them at the end of the bar counter. He does this, humming "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" quietly as he works, for about half a minute.

HENRY

(yelling from offstage)

Hey, Dana, you still there?

DANA

(yelling)

Yep, just finishing cleaning up!

HENRY

(yelling from offstage)

Well, I'm heading home. Michael asked me to remember to turn all the lights off and feed the hornets, so do you mind…

DANA

(yelling)

I've got it.

HENRY

(yelling from offstage)

Thanks so much, Night!

DANA

(yelling)

G'Night!

Dana continues to clean glasses, while listening closely. Footsteps can be heard from offstage, getting quieter and quieter, ending with the sound of a door opening, and then closing. On the sound of the door closing, Dana puts down his glass, grabs a set of keys from underneath the bar, and exits the pub. Blackout.

Spotlight on a single table with two chairs on either side. Seated in the chairs are Jazz and Brimley. Brimley is in the act of eating a taco, sitting in front of a plate covered in sauce and food particulates. Jazz is holding her head in her hands, sitting in front of a plate of three untouched tacos. Brimley scarfs down his last taco before looking up at Jazz's plate.

BRIMLEY

Babe, you haven't even eaten any of your tacos.

JAZZ

…

BRIMLEY

(slightly louder)

Babe, you haven't eaten any of your tacos!

JAZZ

Oh… what… sorry.

BRIMLEY

Do you not like tacos, babe? Because I have definitely seen you eat tacos so like, that's really messing with my head, you know?

JAZZ

No, I do… I'm just… thinking… about stuff.

BRIMLEY

Okay but like… so like… are you going to eat those?

JAZZ

I… what?

BRIMLEY

Are you going to eat those tacos, though?

JAZZ

I…

Jazz looks like she wants to say something forceful, but backs down at the last second.

JAZZ

You can have them. I don't care.

BRIMLEY

Sick!

Brimley grabs Jazz's plate and places it on top of his own. He begins to eat her tacos with as much force as before. Jazz stares at his face for a few seconds, making a slightly more hesitant attempt to say something serious to Brimley, but as before, she stops herself. Resigned, she lets her face fall limp into her palms. Blackout.

Lights go up on Dana sneaking across the stage, which is bare, save for a table with a printer, and a desk chair. On the opposite end of the stage, Crystal-INE is standing with their eyes closed, powered off. Dana sneaks over to them, and walks around them a few times, inspecting for an on button or switch.

DANA

Uhh… Power on.

CRYSTAL-INE

…

DANA

Crystal-INE, power on.

CRYSTAL-INE

…

DANA

Son of a bitch…

Dana thinks for a few moments.

DANA

(shouting)

Crystal-INE!

CRYSTAL-INE

(quickly powering on)

What, what's happening? Are we being attacked?

DANA

Jesus, sometimes I forget how human you are.

CRYSTAL-INE

Oh, hello, Dana. Isn't it a bit late for you to still be on site?

DANA

That's not important. I need to see some documents. Do you have access to the Foundation Database?

CRYSTAL-INE

Of course, could you please give me your access code?

DANA

Come on, you know it's me.

CRYSTAL-INE

I'm afraid I can't give you any data without your access code.

DANA

Ugh… fine, but… don't judge me, okay? I didn't think I'd have to use this thing very often.

CRYSTAL-INE

Just tell me your code.

DANA

(sighing)

Fluffy little kitty 2, 13, 13

CRYSTAL-INE

Heh.

DANA

Don't you fucking start.

Crystal-INE closes their eyes for a few seconds.

CRYSTAL-INE

Code accepted. What would you like to access?

DANA

Show me the files for the North Korea Project.

CRYSTAL-INE

I have access to 11 pages of documents relating to the North Korea Project. Would you like me to print them out for you?

DANA

Yes… wait, how does this work? Are you going to like, vomit paper, or something?

CRYSTAL-INE

… We have a printer, Dana.

DANA

Oh… right.

Crystal-INE closes their eyes for a moment. At the same time, the printer across the stage begins printing out pages. Dana walks over and collects them as they print, flipping through them. After flipping through a few pages, he notices something.

DANA

Wait a second, Crystal-INE, you have access to the security cameras, right?

CRYSTAL-INE

Yes, however, you are not authorized to view Site-96 footage without permission of-

DANA

No, no, I know, just listen. Can you analyze the footage of the North Korea Project team meetings?

CRYSTAL-INE

Theoretically, why?

DANA

Just, do it, would you?

Crystal-INE closes their eyes for 4 seconds, before re-opening them.

CRYSTAL-INE

Done.

DANA

How many members were there on the team?

CRYSTAL-INE

Six.

DANA

Then how come these documents are all authorized for a five person group?

CRYSTAL-INE

What do you mean?

DANA

In all of these documents here relating to the founding of the team and the allocation of gear and rations, it mentions five people, but I remember there being six people, and it seems like you've confirmed it.

CRYSTAL-INE

You're… right. The administration council only signed off on a team of five individuals, including the project lead. Which means that either all the documentation is wrong…

DANA

Or somebody was there who didn't belong.

CRYSTAL-INE

Interesting…

DANA

I've gotta talk to Jazz about this on Monday. She needs to know that something's going on.

Dana, grabbing the rest of the documents from the printer, runs off stage.

DANA

(from offstage)

Thanks for all the help, Crystal!

CRYSTAL-INE

See you tomorrow, Dana.

Crystal-INE returns to the exact spot they were standing in before being woken up, and powers off instantly.

End Scene

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