Game Day 1: Die Hardest - SCP Foundation

Debriefing: Dr. Michael Edison

Excerpt from Interview conducted by O5-█, regarding Dr. Edison’s involvement in Incident 234-900-Tempest Night-1.

O5-█: Good evening, Dr. Edison.

Dr. Edison: Good evening, sir.

O5-█: Please, take a seat. I have a few questions to ask you.

Dr. Edison: …I’m not in trouble, am I?

O5-█: No, of course not. This is simply standard procedure.

Dr. Edison: Oh. Okay then. That’s fine, I guess.

O5-█: Glad to hear it. Now, tell me, exactly where were you when the incident began?

Dr. Edison: Well let’s see… I believe I was in the middle of feeding SCP-391 when I heard the blast. Fearing for my safety, I fled to the nearest security station only to find that the security personnel inside had died prior to my arrival.

O5-█: Do you have any idea how they died?

Dr. Edison: No idea, sir. Everyone had a big gash in the back of the head, but it looked like they didn’t have their weapons drawn or anything so I guess they didn’t fight back.

O5-█: Interesting. So what did you do?

Dr. Edison: Well, I took one good look at the security monitors and quickly realized how [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] we all… um, I mean, that we were in the middle of a wide-scale Class-█ containment breach. I tried to activate the self-destruct sequence manually, but the detonation system was apparently too damaged to respond. So I sent a message over the intercom ordering all essential personnel to evacuate, and ordering all remaining security personnel to enter high alert.

O5-█: And then what?

Dr. Edison: Well, then I noticed that SCP-353 (who had breached containment), was being escorted by a number of masked men towards section [REDACTED], where we were keeping all the biohazardous materials from Site 19. So I… um…

O5-█: Well? What did you do?

Dr. Edison: I… went after them. Die Hard style.

O5-█: …I beg your pardon?

Dr. Edison: I mean I went after them. Alone. I ran around the site grabbing everything that looked even remotely useful, picked off the masked men one by one using my superior knowledge of Site-17, and squared off with SCP-353 in a climactic showdown inside of the decontamination chamber.

O5-█: …

Dr. Edison: …

O5-█: …Is there any chance you "forgot" to take your medicine that day?

Dr. Edison: …maybe?

Dr. Edison stared at his watch anxiously. He knew there wasn’t much time, and the rhythmic clacking of 914 only made him even more aware of it.

And then the clicking stopped. Edison’s heart skipped at beat as the tiny bell rang, letting him know that it was time to check on his little “experiment”. Nervously, he slid the door open to take a look at the results.

At first, he didn’t know what to think. At first glance, it appeared to be an orange helmet, similar in form to the bulletproof SWAT helmet he was currently wearing. It even had the kind same “Property Of…” sticker that his own helmet was labeled with. But upon further inspection, he noticed that the accompanying balaclava appeared to be made of rubber, and that there was some form of breathing apparatus in the spot where one’s mouth would be should be.

The doctor scratched his head. “Well, it’s getting there, certainly.”

Suddenly, the radio Edison was carrying on his belt sprung to life. “Hey! You!” it said, “You there! By 914!”

With a sigh, Edison handed the orange helmet to his assistant, who was similarly decked out in SWAT armor. “Please run this through 914 with helmet 3 on ‘very fine’, will you? I need to take this call.”

Wordlessly, the assistant accepted the helmet and stiffly carried it to 914’s input chamber.

Edison, meanwhile, took the opportunity to answer the radio. “Hello…?”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing!?” screamed the man on the other end. “We’re in the middle of a containment breach and you’re playing dress up! Does that seem like a good idea to you?!"

“Hey, hey, don’t worry about me,” replied Edison. “Look, everything’s under contro- okay, everything isn’t under control, but you have better things to do than worry about some lone-wolf renegade action movie star type… thing. You should get out of here before the shit hits the fan, because if I can’t stop Vector, we ALL die.”

“Well I’d love to… but I’m trapped in a security station. The ceiling behind me collapsed, so the door’s jammed behind a huge pile of… er…”

“…What? What is it?”

“appleseeds.”

“What?”

“a huge pile of appleseeds.”

“…I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear that. Did you just say you were stuck behind a pile of apple-”

“YES, APPLESEEDS!” the man screamed. “THE DOOR IS STUCK BEHIND A FUCKING PILE OF FUCKING APPLESEEDS! WHY THE HELL ARE THERE SO MANY APPLESEEDS I CANT TAKE ALL THESE APPLESEEDS AND ALL THE APPLESEEDS DAY AND NIGHT AND NIGHT AND DAY AND I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE WHY WON’T THEY JUST APPLESEEDS APPLESEEDS APPLESEEDS!!!!!”

Edison paused for a moment to let the man cool off. He could hear a faint sobbing through the radio. “…nice to see you too, Dr. King.”

Debriefing: Dr. King

Excerpt from Interview conducted by O5-█, regarding Dr. King’s involvement in Incident 234-900-Tempest Night-1.

O5-█: Now, Dr. King. From what I’ve heard, you played an instrumental role in directing the flow of information during the incident. Can you please describe exactly what you were trying to accomplish?

Dr. King: Well, I was mostly just trying to find something to keep my mind off the… the… the you-know-whats that were keeping me cooped up in there. I mean, it’s not like there was much else I could do other than watch the monitors and call people with the radio. I’ve really got to hand it to the guys who designed the security system, that security system was state of the art! I don’t think there was a single blind spot in the entire base. I mean-

O5-█: …Yes, yes, the art of security is a fascinating one, but I’d much rather hear about your involvement with Dr. Edison’s recent… “adventure”.

Dr. King: Oh, that… [NOTE: Dr. King appears to be visibly distressed at this point] Well… I found Edison with SCP-912, making some kind of “Super-Armor” or something using SCP-914. He explained that SCP-353 was making her way section [REDACTED], and that unless he stopped her things would get a million times worse.

O5-█: …I see… and how did he plan on doing this?

Dr. King: Well… he never explained the whole plan, but he assured me it was extremely clever, intricate, and well-thought-out.

“I’m going to do something extremely clever, intricate, and well-thought-out that’s going to stop Vector and save the world!” Dr. Edison said as he continued to sprint down the hallway. “I’ll get back to you when I know exactly what it is.”

“Well I hate to burst your bubble, kid,” said Dr. King, “but Vector is five stories down, and the insurgents are practically there. You’d have to move at the speed of sound to make it down the stairs in time.”

Edison chuckled. “Who said anything about stairs?” He screeched to a halt in front of the doorway he’d been looking for, stepped inside, and found himself in an enormous white room, whose only feature was a small, blue pinwheel, sitting upon a pedestal.

“Oh no…” said Dr. King. “You have GOT to be kidding me…”

“Yep!” said Edison. “I’m going to use 161 to drill a hole down to section [REDACTED], one floor at a time, and assault them from the front, holding them off until 912 catches up and surprises them from the back.” Edison reached into his pockets, and pulled out a small squirt bottle, which he used to make a series of red security lasers visible. “But first, I need to perform some death-defying acrobatics in order to get past this array of invisible crisscrossing lasers, or else I will be fried to a crisp!”

“Uh, Ed? You do realize I can just-”

Slowly, Edison backed up to the doorway, and began to swing his arms and count. “One… two… THREE!”

And with that, the doctor broke into a mad dash, and completely failed to launch himself into a series of amazing front flips that allowed Edison to weave through the beams like a graceful butterfly. The doctor turned red with embarrassment as he fell flat on his face a good ten feet from the nearest laser.

“Yeah… I’m just going to turn these things off before you kill yourself. Why do we even have a room like this?”

“No idea. It was probably one of Bright’s projects.” Edison said as he pulled himself upright. “But regardless, now 161 is about to within my grasp, there is nothing left to stop me from saving the Foundation!”

And then a nine-tailed fox tried to bite Dr. Edison’s testicles off.

Excerpt from security footage of SCP-161’s temporary containment cell (formerly the containment cell of SCP-████), detailing an encounter between Dr. Edison and SCP-953 (in vulpine form), accompanied by Dr. King’s comments via radio from Security Station █.

SCP-953 (in vulpine form) tackles Dr. Edison from behind, knocking him over. 953 then attempts to remove Dr. Edison's armor so it can [DATA EXPUNGED].

Dr. Edison: OH GOD WHERE THE HELL DID SHE COME FROM WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!

SCP-953: [EXPLETIVE]! How dare you [REDACTED]!

Dr. King: Why does she hate you so much?!

Dr. Edison: HOW SHOULD I KNOW [EXPLETIVE] DO SOMETHING MAN!

Dr. King: I could turn the lasers back on, but-

Dr. Edison: I DON’T CARE JUST- OH GOD, MY [REDACTED]! SHE’S GOT MY [REDACTED]!

“You okay?” said Dr. King, his voice slightly distorted by radio static.

“If you mean, ‘am I still alive’, then just barely.” Dr. Edison groaned. “Man, I can’t believe that bitch is still worked up about that…”

“About what?” said Dr. King.

“Well, you know that little disclaimer about not calling 953 a ‘Kitsune’?”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s just say I watch too much anime and leave it at that.” Dr. Edison attempted to produce a faint chuckle from his lame joke, followed by a deep, hacking cough. “She’s still there isn’t she?"

“Yep. Just outside the doorway.”

“Probably waiting for me to start running… dammit…” The doctor slowly began to push himself off the floor, only to have the tip of his nose burnt off by one of the containment beams. “Well, at least I can still move…”

“Just hang tight, Ed. I’ll try and find someone to pick you up.”

“No way, doc.” Edison wheezed. “We’re on the clock here, remember?”

“Yeah, but…”

“JUST LISTEN TO ME, DAMMIT!” the doctor shouted. “Everything’s going to hell anyway, so what do you care if I die attempting some sort of ridiculous ‘Action Movie Hero’ plan? This sort of disaster happens only once in a lifetime, and I’ll be damned if I spend it sitting in a corner holding my eyes closed.”

“Are you trying to tell me something?”

“Am I trying to tell you something? AM I TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!? Yeah, I’m trying to tell you something all right!" Dr. Edison took a deep breath. "It’s Game Day, King. And it’s not just any game, King, it’s the World Series and we’re playing for the Stanley Cup. The other team’s up by a field goal, It’s the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, 4th down, our star player is in the penalty box, and the big man's about 2 WREAK SOME HAVOC on the court!”

Dr. King was speechless.

“So do you want that gold medal, or are you going to take a penalty kick with the rest of those losers?!”

“…I don’t even know where to begin with that.” said Dr. King.

“That’s what I like to hear!” said Dr. Edison. “Now, on the count of three, I want you to turn off the containment beams so I can grab 161. Ready?”

“Now wait a second, I never said I would-”

“1… 2… 3!”

In a flash, Dr. Edison jolted upright, and sprinting towards the pinwheel, ignoring the stinging from his numerous wounds. Moments later, 953 burst though the door, and began to chase after him.

“Get out of there, Ed!” said Dr. King.

“No! I got a head start! I can make it, I can make it, I can make-”

Security Log-█████-2

Excerpt from section [REDACTED] security footage.

An unidentified body (presumably belonging to Dr. Edison) falls though the ceiling and lands in the men’s room of section [REDACTED]. An audible ‘snap’ is heard, implying that Dr. Edison has broken most, if not all of his bones.