Shocking Ignorance Regarding Anything Resembling a Structured Set of Rules to be Applied Fairly - SCP Foundation

jockjamsvol6: I suppose you're wondering why I gathered you here today.

lesbian_gengar: bluntfiend's apartment got busted and they took harmpit's laptop so we had to make a new channel.

jockjamsvol6: I suppose you're now fully informed of why I gathered you here today.

talman_corvett: press f to pay respects

hetcopogg: f

FreakyGhostBed: f

polaricecraps: f

tiedyeduck: f

jockjamsvol6: He also made me the leader.

lesbian_gengar: f

tiedyeduck: i thought bones was in charge.

bones: I am merely entrusted with moderating the channel. I do not make any decisions regarding policy or direction.

tiedyeduck: o ok

polaricecraps: does the leader even do anything or are they just like the mascot?

lesbian_gengar: it's pretty much ceremonial.

TrainerDP: Isn't blunt like 6'5"? I bet being the leader just means you're the tallest

talman_corvett: why does bluntfiend, as the biggest gamer against weed, not simply eat the other gamers?

hetcopogg: accused of eatos gamers "I like the taste"

jockjamsvol6: "Hey jockjamsvol6, are our good friends bluntfiend and harmpit okay?"

jockjamsvol6: Why, that's a FANTASTIC question!

jockjamsvol6: Not only are they okay, thanks to yours truly, but they're also going to shack up with a friend of mine for a while.

lesbian_gengar: and i'm getting them new id's so they can actually be part of society.

gaycopmp4: society is overrated they should go live in the woods

DonDeLillo: Hey, I was concerned about them! I was just getting chicken.

gaycopmp4: that's great man

lesbian_gengar: more like DonDeLeroy.

TrainerDP: kek

bones: jockjamsvol6, are you considering any form of retribution for what happened to bluntfiend and harmpit?

jockjamsvol6: Whoa, bones. You're like, the last person I expected to be out for blood.

bones: I have no opinion on the matter myself. I just wish to know what your plans are.

jockjamsvol6: Oh.

polaricecraps: idk im not feelin it

polaricecraps: if we were a big enough pain in the ass theyd just take the risk and get rid of us

talman_corvett: ^

lesbian_gengar: i feel you but i'd feel bad just doing like, nothing about it.

FreakyGhostBed: ^

FreakyGhostBed: arrowblocked

gaycopmp4: wtf guys of course we're goign to getb ack at them they tried to fuckin kidnap two of us

hetcopogg: honey, calm down just a little okay? i agree with you, but we have to think it through.

gaycopmp4: bluh bluh youre probably right

jockjamsvol6: I kind of agree with hetcopogg here. It would be shitty to let it go, but it's not worth risking our necks over.

polaricecraps: fine but can we please be extra careful here

lesbian_gengar: i think that's a good compromise.

jockjamsvol6: Sure, sure. The question being, how do we actually go about it?

kkrule: do you really have to ask that

jockjamsvol6: ?

tiedyeduck: ?

kkrule: we use a meme

kkrule: you dip

kkrule: :^)

"You know, I've never actually been inside a Denny's before this. Are they all, like, weak? Reality-wise? I feel like I could flick a finger and turn this place into jello."

Jude and Armand sit across from each other in a booth around midday. The former searches for a direction to look that makes the building look less claustrophobic and uncomfortably proportioned, while the latter digs into a Grand Slamwich and taps his foot audibly.

"Basssically." Armand washes the taste of grease and maple spice down with some orange juice. "Its seememed like a good iiadea, if we needeed non-cointadennnces." He chows down again as Jude picks languidly at his blueberry pancakes.

Just as Jude opens his mouth to say something, Armand stands up. "Iii gotta smoke, sorry. Cany youh handle the billll?" Without waiting for an answer, he turns around and heads out the front door. Jude sighs, nodding to nobody in particular and tossing a few $5's from his pocket onto the table.

The waitress appears not long after, and is directed by a gesture to said bills. She nods knowingly, then takes them without a word. Jude closes his eyes as she walks away, and is rewarded with the first bit of relief he's felt since he entered. Within minutes, he's broken out of his reverie by an irritated throat-clearing. He opens his eyes with a start, looking at the source. A large man with a shaved head and dark sunglasses blocks his exit, while the waitress stands next to him. Jude sighs. "What. What'd I do."

"Don't play dumb." The waitress snaps, tossing his payment on the table. "You didn't think I would notice identical bills? You sh-"

The man interjects, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Karen, relax. He could've gotten them from someone else without knowing." Turning to Jude, "Now, you did just try to spend counterfeit bills, so I'll need you to come with me to the station." He takes out his wallet and flashes a badge at Jude.

"Identical bills. You're shitting me." Jude picks up the three bills. They do, indeed, have identical serial numbers. They also have the same lopped-off corner, and the same ink stain on Abe's forehead. Of course I would spend cloned fives at the one restaurant in the country that checks serial numbers. And of course there's a cop. "Well, uh, I don't know how that happened, and I really don't have the time for coming into the station, so could I just…" He tries to exit the booth, but the officer grabs his wrist.

"Don't make this harder on yourself, son. You're a terrible liar." The other customers were watching at this point. The hand is tight, and Jude's attempts to pull loose are futile.

Jude takes a deep breath; when that fails to do much of anything, he closes his eyes and takes a few more. "I said. I don't. Have. Time. For this!"

He yanks his hand away, distancing himself from the cop to the tune of about a hundred yards. In fact, everything else in the diner is a football field away from him, and from each other. The confusion and panic of the other patrons echoes in the now-cavernous Denny's, though the sparse lighting fails to illuminate their positions.

Jude takes a few breaths to calm himself, smiling a little as he looks around. The front doors stand out as a point of light about a mile away. But distance is just a suggestion, isn't it? He starts off towards the exit, gliding forward as space stretches behind him and squeezes tight in front of him.

Armand's pack of cigarettes is out before he reaches the front door, and by the time he surveys the parking lot, one is already lit in his mouth. It almost falls out when he sees a man about his age adjust his thick-rimmed glasses, then take another picture of Armand's car.

After taking eleven seconds to assess the situation, he comes up with two viable reactions: approach the man, ask him what's going on, and go from there; or use magic to hurl his phone into the pavement at terminal velocity, destroying the evidence. The first seems less likely to make a scene, so he takes a drag on his cigarette and walks over.

"Ummm, excuuuse me. Whya are you tttaking pictures of my tr…" Armand speaks slowly, attempting to sound casual and make his speech as clear as possible. This is a success, up until the man turns around and oooh shihit he'sh hot.

"Oh, sorry there." He smiles a bit. "I was just documenting your uh, new Toro here." He gestures to the car. "Must be pretty fun to drive out here on the Oregon plains."

"Dooocumemementing? Whyw woulllld youdodo thaat?" Armand breaks eye contact, instead directing his attention at the Denny's he just left. Anticipating the man's next question, "Ialalways taaaalk likethis."

The man closes his mouth, his next question answered; then, he opens it again. "Um, it's just that the Toro's only available in Brazil, and you might get off-market cars in places like Michigan, but this has gotta be the only Toro west of the Mississippi. I mean, if Fiat's thinking of releasing these in America, that's pretty big news, right? How'd you get one? Uh, my name's Andy. Sorry. Should've led with that." He runs a hand through his hair.

Armand rubs his nose bridge. Transmuting the truck into a different model had been mandatory to ditch the Foundation, but of all the Italian trucks it could have become, why something that would immediately attract att… Armand blinks, then turns back to Andy. "Fififirrrst, pleeease donon't takkke pictutures. Secooond, whereaa are youheading?"

Andy blinks at the question, nonplussed. "I'm, uh, visiting my sister in Idaho… why? I mean uh, yeah, sure, sorry for taking pictures, I just thought I'd be done before you came out. Which isn't really an excuse, but—"

Armand cuts him off. "Howww doyoou finind her? Yyyyou jujustl look forr cowwinkadentesss, right?" He raises an eyebrow as he puffs on his cigarette. Neither notices as the Denny's' windows go dark.

Andy is taken aback for a moment before grinning. "Oh hey, you're going to see Miranda too! That's great! You must be friends, it's not like you can really find her unless she wants you to. How do you know her?"

"Weeee're goioing to livive withherf for awhile. Weuh, uh, ran innnto somet trtrouble lassast night. Am mutuuual frienenend referrred us." Armand coughs a bit, wishing he had brushed his teeth that morning.

"Ohhh, oh, I see. So you guys are, like, on the run, then?"

Armand is about to answer when Jude walks out of the Denny's at about twenty miles per hour. He stumbles, then collides with a parked minivan and falls over.

Preliminary containment report for SCP-5218, "Under Pressure"

Item #: SCP-5218

Object Class: Pending

Containment Status: The original video containing SCP-5218 has been removed, and the associated YouTube account has been terminated. Web crawlers are being updated to identify and remove videos containing SCP-5218. Identification of the security vulnerabilities exploited to propagate SCP-5218 is underway. Identification and assessment of SCP-5218's viewers is underway.

Standard containment for video cognitohazards will most likely suffice for future containment.

Effectiveness of amnestics at treating SCP-5218's effects has not been established.

Object Description: SCP-5218 is a 1min47s video entitled "Under Pressure, Killer Meme's Fourth bomb". Source material includes Bee Movie, the 2016 animated adaptation of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond is Unbreakable, the official music video for the song "Under Pressure" by Queen, and several presumably computer-generated sequences.

Anomaly types: Memetic, cognitohazardous

Known effects:

Non-disclosure: Individuals who view SCP-5218 in its entirety will become incapable of disclosing information regarding PoI ████ (known aliases: "Jude Kriyot", "██████████", "bluntfiend") or PoI ████ (known aliases: "Armand Delassixe", "harmpit"), both known associates of Gamers Against Weed. When they attempt to do so, they will instead recite the entirety of the Wikipedia article "JoJo's Bizarre Adventure" as it existed on 2016-11-16. This is performed in whatever medium they had originally intended to disclose the information.

Delusions: (Provisional) The aforementioned subjects will believe that SCP-5218's non-disclosure effect is due to the workings of an entity known as "Under Pressure, Killer Meme's Fourth Bomb", which began inhabiting their body while they watched SCP-5218. No evidence of such an entity has been found.

Object History: SCP-5218 was uploaded to YouTube on 2016-11-18 at 4:13 PM UTC. The uploading account, identified as "Gamer Without Weed Opinions", was created the day prior and had no other activity. Through unknown means, SCP-5218 was "recommended" to all YouTube users connected to the service through more than one anonymous proxy server. SCP-5218 received 11,913 views before its removal; ███ are confirmed to have come from Foundation employees; three individuals with information that could trigger SCP-5218's non-disclosure effect were affected.

Additional Material: The following text comprised the description of SCP-5218 prior to its removal from YouTube.

Hey. We get that you're just doing your job and you're probably aching to prove your chops so you can be put on an assignment that gets you more prestige than going after magical forum trolls, but seriously, trying to kidnap people is fucked up and rude, so consider this a "well, fuck you too".

PS. Fair warning — if you don't take 「Under Pressure」's hint, you might have to deal with blunt's 「Video Killed the Radio Star」 or harm's 「Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger」.

PPS. GOOD LUCK, YOU'RE BEHIND 7 PROXIES

The first to react to Jude's collision is the van's alarm, which goes off immediately. The second is Andy, who gasps and runs over. Armand sighs and heads after him at a somewhat slower pace. Only after being shaken does Jude bother trying to sit up and stem his nosebleed. "Calm down for fuck's sake, I was in football, I barely even felt that." He winces as he touches his obviously broken nose.

"Judude what the ffffuck is goiiing on?" Armand glances back at the Denny's. He trots over to the entrance and looks inside, then heads back. "Grrreat, thisss isn't goininga away on its owwwn."

Andy takes a handkerchief out of his pocket and hands it to Jude. "I take it this is your friend you sort of implied about? Hey, I'm Andy, the girl you guys are going to meet up with is my sister, we should get you to a —"

Jude interrupts. "Seriously, stop. Give me like five seconds to focus and I'll fix it…" He rolls to face away from Andy and Armand. "Basically I got busted for using cloned bills and I did that to get away. Armand, is this guy legit?"

Armand shrugs. "Iiii thinks so. Leeet's get out ooof here… Ananandy, ideeeas?"

Andy takes his phone put of his pocket. "Yeah, hold on. You two, what are your lucky numbers?" He taps away at it a bit.

"Twellllve." Armand paces back and forth, occasionally glancing back at the restaurant.

"Uh, seven thirty I think. Seven hundred and thirty." Jude gets up and walks towards the Toro, nose back in place and shirt clear of blood. He brushes gravel off of his shirt.

Andy taps at his phone a bit, then grins. "730 is just north of here, and it hooks up with 12 around Wallula Junction. Come on, let's go." He takes a keychain out of his pocket. When he presses a button, a nearby Lamborghini chirps.

Jude drums on the truck's dashboard, singing under his breath. "And now I understand the problems you can see. Oh-ah-oh, I met your childre~en. Oh-ah-oh, what did you t—"

He stops singing when the music cuts out, replaced by a police scanner. Armand glances Jude's way as he puts his hand back on the steering wheel. "Yooou're in ag good mood."

Jude shrugs. "I love that song. Plus there's this rush you get, right after you do a huge reality bending thing. I think it's adrenaline, or whatever that one neurotransmitter is. Morphine maybe?"

"Remimiiind men notto take yooou to Denny's agaaain." He redirects his attention to the luxury car he's tailing. Why would you take a great car like that and give it a license plate reading 'TOPCHAN'?

"I'm gonna crash in like an hour, don't worry." With a flick of his wrist, his own side of the cab resumes playing The Buggles. Armand is treated to several police officers wondering out loud what, if anything, to do about a restaurant that's bigger on the inside.

The intersection of US-12 and US-730 is bordered on one side by a small, barren park (one bench and ten trees). Three men are dawdling there — Jude lies on a picnic table, looking straight up, while Armand and Andy rest on an ankle-high retaining wall.

"So, Andy." Jude doesn't look away from the sky, picking at a loose splinter of wood on the tabletop. "While we're here waiting for, uh, inspiration to strike or something. Your sister's kind of a big deal, I take it? Like, 730's been my lucky number since eighth grade, how did she set that up?"

Andy, who had been comfortably sharing the silence with Armand, takes a moment to register the question. "Oh. Uh." He stands up and turns around to look at Jude, stuffing his hands in his jacket pockets. "It's more of a destiny thing. If she wants you to reach her, it was always already gonna happen. And if she doesn't, it was never gonna happen."

Jude pulls the splinter off and tosses it onto the ground. "Damn. That's like, cosmic levels of fucking around with stuff." Jude pulls the splinter off and tosses it onto the ground.

Andy laughs a little. "Yeah. She says it… harnesses improbability, or something like that. I dunno."

Armand tightens his coat around him as a gust of chilled wind rattles his small frame. "Lullluck people gottotta stickt together, I guesss."

Sensing Andy's questioning glance, Jude pipes up. "We got uh, referred to your sister via — through a guy we know who has this like, insane luck all the time." Jude rights himself with a grunt, climbing down from the table.

Andy nods understandingly. "Oh, okay. You know, I actually do know a guy with magical luck? I remember 'cause he beat me at Poker once. Cocky bastard. Maybe that's the guy?"

Armand shares a glance with Jude before standing up himself. "Welll, it doedoes sounounds like himj. Jjjayjay lovesss poker. Wwwhere'd that hahappen?"

Andy shrugs. "I dunno, it's hard to remember… it was like, two years ago. At this really dingy bar."

"Grangeville?" The other two turn to Jude as he picks up a dirtied and tattered newspaper from the ground. "This just blew into my foot. 'Idaho County Free Press, serving Grangeville and Idaho County'."

Andy snaps his fingers — the snap is loud and sharp. "Yes. That's the place. Grangeville. The Establishment. I'll lead the way." He turns around and heads for his car.

"Yyyep, leadead thew wwway." Armand and Jude head back towards the Toro. Jude smirks a bit at Armand before getting in.

gaycopmp4: aaand done

gaycopmp4: killer meme is in full effect lads

lesbian_gengar: are you sure they're going to actually see it and figure it out?

gaycopmp4: if theyre not hiding behind proxies img oing to astral project that would be so fuckign dumb of them

gaycopmp4: fuck knows if the right janitors will see it though thats basically a crapshoot

tiedyeduck: brb astrally projecting

tiedyeduck: back

tiedyeduck: the spirits say you're a nerd and won't hang out with you @gaycopmp4

hetcopogg: >:O

gaycopmp4: >:O

DonDeLillo: pak>:Oosh

polaricecraps: whats the under/over on them actually getting the joke or just going bluh bluh anime is for jerks

FreakyGhostBed: i don't think that's how over/unders work.

jockjamsvol6: That being said, it's 69.

bones: @jockjamsvol6.

jockjamsvol6: Yeah?

bones: Nice.

kkrule: ^

TrainerDP: ^

TrainerDP: arrowblocked

opossum: it's not even a good joke

opossum: it's literally just "jjba is a good anime xddd"

jockjamsvol6: I thought you were banned? I definitely remember you being banned.

opossum: what so you're just openly sucking bluntfiend's dick now?

DonDeLillo: BLUNTFIEND IS NOT FOR SEXUAL

jockjamsvol6: Sure, why not. bones, mind doing the honors?

bones: Gladly.

bones has set mode +b *!*@borhood.spiderbitch

bones kicked opossum

kkrule: finally

kkrule: they're definitely not going to get the joke though it's kind of obscure

FreakyGhostBed: eh. so? it's not like they'd let us off if they did.

lesbian_gengar: fuck those guys honestly, who cares what they think.

_FuddruckeR_: <DonDeLillo> BLUNTFIEND IS NOT FOR SEXUAL

_FuddruckeR_: wtf

_FuddruckeR_: throws away my bluntfiend dakimakura

gaycopmp4: lmfao it already has like 340 views

hetcopogg: those are all me actually

hetcopogg: oh by the way, i got word from our missing boys.

jockjamsvol6: ?

jockjamsvol6: Do tell.

hetcopogg: JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (Japanese: ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 Hepburn: JoJo no Kimyō na Bōken?) is a Japanese manga series written and illustrated by Hirohiko Araki. It was originally serialized in Weekly Shōnen Jump from 1987 to 2004, before being transferred to the monthly seinen magazine Ultra Jump in 2005. The current story arc, JoJolion, started in 2011. JoJo's Bizarre Adventure is current

hetcopogg: ly Shueisha's second largest manga series with its chapters collected into 117 tankōbon volumes and counting.

gaycopmp4: oh fuck

hetcopogg: A six-volume original video animation adaptation of the later half of the series' third story arc was released from 1993 to 1994 by studio A.P.P.P., followed by another seven-volume series covering earlier parts of the arc from 2000 to 2002. A.P.P.P. also produced a theatrical film of the first arc in 2007. In 2012, an anime television series produced by David Production began broadcast on Tokyo MX,

hetcopogg: and covered the first two story arcs of the manga in 26 episodes. A second 48-episode season covering the third arc was broadcast in 2014 and 2015, and a 39 episode season adapting the fourth began in April 2016.

tiedyeduck: @bones

hetcopogg: The JoJo's Bizarre Adventure manga has over 95 million copies in print, making it one of the best-selling manga series in history, and has spawned a large media franchise that includes several novelizations and video games, action figures, a jewelry line, and even snack foods. From 2003 to 2005, Super Techno Arts released both OVA series in North America. Viz Media released a translation of the third

hetcopogg: part of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure in North America from 2005 to 2010, and began publishing English versions of the first two arcs in 2015.

bones has set mode +b hetcopogg@*!*

bones: Presumably there is an antidote of some sort?

jockjamsvol6: FFFFFF.

lesbian_gengar: yeah but it's a pain in the ass. why the f would she even do that, she knew what would happen.

hetcopogg is now known as ItWasAllACleverRuse

kkrule: lol

ItWasAllACleverRuse: >:3c

lesbian_gengar: oh.

polaricecraps: well played

gaycopmp4: im breaking up with you

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