How Dr. Clef Contained Christmas! - SCP Foundation

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Every Skip locked on-site Liked Christmas a lot…

But Dr. Clef, who worked at Site-19, Did NOT!

Dr. Clef hated Christmas! The whole Christmas time!

But please do not ask him. He might rip out your spine.

It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.

It could be, perhaps, that his hat was too tight.

But I think the most likely reason for this,

Was the hate in his heart for all of the Skips.

For whatever the reason - His hate, heart, or hat -

He stood there on Christmas Eve, suspicious of all that,

Staring down the hallway with a rigid, concerned walk,

At the warm-lit containment cells all in his block.

For he knew every Skip contained on his block

Was busy now, with the whole Christmas crock.

"The specimen of SCP-610 is hanging entrails on the wall!"

He puzzled over this behavior, but who should he call?

Still puzzled, his fingers were nervously drumming,

"Other Skips are preparing! Is there a Christmas Breach coming‽"

Then he growled, all alone in the observation room.

"I MUST learn how to stop this Christmas Breach soon!"

For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Skips down the block,

Would wake bright and early. Might break all their locks!

And then! Oh, the Noise! Oh, the Noise!

Noise! Noise! Noise!

That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!

NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Skips, young and old, might break out and feast.

And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!

FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

They might feast on researchers, guards, and the director.

Something Dr. Clef would not tolerate in this sector!

And THEN They might do something He hated, He did,

Every Skip down in Nineteen, Keter and Euclid,

Might break out altogether, with SCP-513 ringing.

They'd run hand-in-hand. And the Skips would start killing!

They'd kill! And they'd kill! And they'd KILL!

KILL! KILL! KILL!

And the more Dr. Clef thought of this whole Skip Christmas Evil,

The more Dr. Clef thought, "I need to stop this upheaval!"

"We can't afford a K-class scenario now!"

"I MUST stop this Christmas Breach from coming! But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! A sexy idea!

DR. CLEF GOT A WONDERFUL, SEXY IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Dr. Clef smiled in his room.

And he requisitioned a D-class jumpsuit and broom.

And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great fucking sham!"

"With this getup and broom, It'll look like testing as planned!"

"All I need is a helper…" Dr. Clef looked around.

But, since helpers were scarce, there were none to be found.

Did that stop the old Doctor? No! Dr. Clef simply said,

"If I can't find a helper, I'll call a favor instead!"

So he called his friend, Dmitri. And evacuated the base,

Then he armed the Site's nuclear device… just in case.

THEN He took guns and amnestics from the site's armory vault,

Gave some to Dmitri and said, "Blow the site, if I'm caught."

"The nuke's down the hall. That's Plan B if I'm dead."

"Da," said Dmitri, and followed where it led.

And Dr. Clef gave a sigh, and headed on down,

Toward the cell block where Skips Lay asnooze all around.

All their cells were dark. Eerily quiet was the air.

Skips were all dreaming horrific dreams without care.

When he came to the first little cell on the square.

"This is stop number one," the old mirthless Doc hissed,

And he climbed through the vent, amnestic syringe in his fist.

Then he slid down the air ducts. He was actually quite deft.

If the old Grinch could do it, then so could the Clef.

He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.

Then he slithered out of the ventilation chute.

Where peculiar stockings all hung in a row.

"This contraband," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,

Around the room, and he took every unauthorized present!

Candy! And Spiders! Tinsel! And Crud!

Still-borns! Ornaments! Mucus! And Blood!

And he stuffed them in trash bags. Then Clef, a bit later,

Stuffed all the bags in the incinerator!

Then he slunk to Control. He locked down the whole block!

Had his dick been anomalous, he'd have locked up his cock!

He closed every bulkhead as quick as a flash.

Why, that Doctor even locked the dumpster for trash!

Then he burned all the contraband with victorious glee.

"And NOW!" grinned Dr. Clef, "I'll lock down SCP-173!"

And Dr. Clef grabbed the keys, and he started to open,

When he heard a small sound like the chill of an omen.

He turned around fast, and he saw a small Skip!

SCP-191 was at the door, who was not more than four.

Dr. Clef had been caught by this anomalous Belle,

Who'd awoke and quite slipped out of her cell.

She stared at Dr. Clef and said, "A D-class, why,

Why are you locking down our Christmas things? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Doctor was so smart and so slick,

He thought of a reply, and he thought it up quick!

"GET THE FUCK! BACK! GET THE FUCKING FUCK BACK!"

Then he brought out his gun and fired a whole lot,

But that Skip was so quick, that it dodged all his shots.

It slashed and it gashed against Dr. Clef's skin,

But that crafty Clef knew she was close enough in,

That he pricked her with the amnestics syringe.

She blinked, for it shocked her,

She stopped as she faltered,

She forgot why she even attacked the poor doctor.

Dr. Clef gave a shove. And he shoved her right in,

Right over the railing into 173's pen.

Then he gathered his keys and locked up containment.

He thought it was quite the clever detainment.

With blood on the floor, he gathered himself,

Keyed up the radio and leaned on the shelf,

"Dmitri come in, I got hurt rather bad.

Be on standby, there's a few more things to be had."

"Da," Said Dimitri, finger on the red button.

Watching the cameras for a signal or somethin'.

It was quarter past dawn… Lockdown was in full effect,

All the Skips still contained, All the locks were all checked!

Packing up his shit, Dr. Clef headed back up,

Back to his office to start to cleanup.

With a crooked smile, he grinned at his work,

He laughed as he limped and he said with a smirk,

"PoohPooh to the Skips!" he was mirthlessly humming.

"They're finding out that no Christmas Breach is coming!

They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!

Their maws will hang open a moment or two,

Then the Skips down in Nineteen will all cry BooHooHoo!"

"That's a noise," grinned Dr. Clef, "That I simply MUST hear!"

So he paused. And Dr. Clef put his hand to his ear.

And he did hear was sound that starting to flow.

It started in low. Then it started to grow.

But the sound wasn't mad! Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at the cell block! Dr. Clef popped his eyes!

Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Skip down in Nineteen, the tall and the small,

Were singing! Without any breaches at all!

He HADN'T stopped Skip Christmas from coming! IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Dr. Clef, with his bloodied chest looking low,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?

It came without killing! It came without breaches!

It came without blood, destruction or screeches!"

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.

Then Dr. Clef thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Skip Christmas," he thought, "isn't something to lock up."

"Maybe Skip Christmas…perhaps…it's a chance to make up."

And what happened then? Well…in Nineteen they say,

That Dr. Clef's hateful heart melted that day!

After a minute, when his heart didn't feel quite so tight,

He whizzed past the Control Room, undid the locks from last night,

And opened the cells! Let loose all the Skips!

Gave back the contraband he did not burn in his trip!

"Merry Skip-mas!", said bloodied Clef as he came down for hugs.

"Merry Skip-mas!", said the Skips as they hugged back with some snugs.

With tentacles, claws, hands, and [REDACTED]

All grudges on Christmas were simply retracted.

"Wait!" cried Clef as he shook the hand of a spook.

"I should call my friend before he blows up the—"

And then they all died.

THE END

† The following content is a fan-based parody of a satirical nature protected under Fair-Use that is based off of the children's book "How the Grinch Stole Christmas!" by Theodor "Dr. Seuss" Geisel.

† "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" by Twin Musicom is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) Artist: https://www.twinmusicom.org/