A Disgruntled Fan Letter on The Subject of Clownery - SCP Foundation

Dear Bambousio Starswinger,

I am currently writing this letter because I have a few words on the subject of clown eggs. In your latest newsletter, Corruption Within The Clown Industry: A Controversial Opinion by Bambousio Starswinger you had stated “Don’t” on the subject of consuming clown eggs. Frankly, after seeing this, I’m more concerned about which one you hatched from. I originally had a somewhat respectful opinion of you, but this is where I draw the line.

As an avid and locally-established Clown Farmer, I would like to point out that the harvesting and consumption of clown eggs is the best possible product from a clown, for the following reasons. Removing eggs from the nest also removes the responsibility from the mother clown, allowing her to get right back to comedy work without experiencing exhaustion or other side-effects associated with raising newborn clownlets. Additionally, ingesting clown eggs provides a safe home for the clownlet upon hatching within the stomach, and supplies the consumer with high-grade comedic material while the clownlet matures into an adult clown. While inside the stomach, the comedic routines of the clownlet can frequently be heard, giving both the host and nearby individuals entertainment for hours on end. The development of a newborn clownlet takes only a week, and the process does not impact the daily life of the host in any way. When the clownlet matures, the clown will simply entertain the host until they regurgitate their friend as a result of excessive laughter, whereupon releasing a new clown into the world.

Hosting a clownlet is a joyous and wholesome experience, and one that should rightfully be reserved for anyone who isn’t a two-faced buffoon. I’ll bet my house that you genuinely wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a clown and a jester if they flopped up to you, wrapped you in handkerchiefs, and left you in a prop shed to die of starvation. You are a disappointment and a travesty to any clown caretaker, and I hope you get run over by a car populated with clowns, in such a way that by the time they have all left the vehicle to contact paramedics, your corpse has completely decayed. It’s completely disgusting that you would even think of criticizing the perfectly-safe livelihood of both me and many of my friends, all while trivializing it with a one-word comment.

In fact, to prove the safety and security of clown egg consumption, I am going to eat an entire carton of clown eggs the exact moment after I finish mailing this letter to your abode (which is no doubt infested with clownroaches). I ask you to tell me what could even go wrong?

Respectfully,

A Disgruntled Clown Farmer