The Lizard and I - SCP Foundation

On a recent escape attempt from Foundation custody, D-085 attempted to hide in the research labs of Dr ██████. Dr ██████ was in the progress of exploring a new theory of containment for SCP-682: that, through genetic mutation, certain individuals emitted a scent which, whilst undetectable to humans, would pacify SCP-682. Upon breaking into the labs, D-085 triggered the research equipment's stimuli, indicating he was in possession of said scent.

Upon discovery, D-085 was apprehended by site security and Dr ██████, the latter of whom explained his theory to D-085.

At this point, an unrelated anomalous phenomena occurred, resulting in dialogue and inner monologues being sung to the tune of popular musical numbers. The following is a recording from the incident:

[To be sung to the tune of "The Wizard and I", from the musical Wicked.]

[Dr ██████:]

Oh, D-085,

Many years I have researched

For a subject like you to appear

Why, I predict the Lizard could make you his

First reason to cheer!

My dear, my dear

I'll take you now to the Lizard

To give this theory a chance

With a scent like yours, dear

There is a definish chance

If this works as it should

You'll be making good

[D-085:]

Did that really just happen?

Have I actually understood?

All these times I've tried

To escape or hide

showed my talent, I could

Go and tame the Lizard

If I make good

So I'll make good

When I meet the Lizard

Once I show my worth

And then I meet the Lizard

See the acid bath's great, great girth

And with all his Lizard wisdom

He'll say why he killed the farmers

Then we'll join forces and rise up

The Foundation will face karma! Yes!

He'll say to me, "Well, you're not that disgusting

So climb up on me and let's ride!"

And that's how we'll begin

The Lizard and I

Once I'm with the Lizard

My whole life will change

Cause once you're with the Lizard

You'll cause so much pain!

No researcher can bully you

You won't be cast into the flames

The whole world has to fear you

When by the Lizard, you're acclaimed

No longer trapped by

the O5 inside

Not blinking so that I don't die

When we are claw in hand

The Lizard and I

And one day, he'll say to me

"Eighty-five, human motives are so ulterior

Shouldn't a race with such red insides

Have a matching exterior?

And since off-site to an absurd degree

Seem fixated on the sun, for me

Would it be alright by you

If I, kill them all but you?"

"Well they want to terminate me

So hey, why not?" I'll reply

Oh, what a pair we'll be, The Lizard and I

Yes, what a pair we'll be, The Lizard and…

Unlimited

My future is unlimited

And I've just had a vision

It was memetic I think, I know

It sounds truly crazy

And amnestics make me hazy

But I swear, today there'll be

A containment breach across Earth

That's all been caused by me!

And I'll rampage with the Lizard

Feeling things I've never felt

Curse Clef and Kondraki

Our furious vengeance will be dealt!

And even if you drop a nuclear bomb

He'll regrow all his limbs and won't die

Oh what a devious scheme

When people see us, they will scream

We'll be the best uncontained team

The Lizard and I

Dr. ██████: Come on D-085, stop singing into that microphone and move it closer to it!

Personnel D-085: His throat's messed up man, look at it! He tried to match my Broadway vocals- (Gasps and screams)

SCP-682: (Appearing to assault D-085's body) …those lyrics were… disgusting…

Dr. ██████: (Retreats from the room)

<End Scene>