A Very Cool Dude Halloween - SCP Foundation

The sky above Vulture's Gulch was dark with thunderstorms. The streets below reeked of gasoline and cigarettes. The houses were decorated with twisted junk and the joyful laughter of its zombie residents echoed in the wind.

In the middle of the heavy metal chaos were two cool dudes. One of them was named Mohawk, because he had a sick mohawk (he didn't want to wait for the hair to grow, so he just shoved extra large nails into his skull). The other one was called Chainsaw (he could just barely cut a tree with his namesake item, he just really liked to rev it up and chase others with it).

They had trouble deciding on what was something scary enough to dress up as for Halloween, because they weren't scared of anything. So they just switched shirts and told everyone they were dressing up as each other. Going around the neighborhoods, they filled their over-sized pumpkins with all sorts of crazy things they treated as candy1. The two zombies stopped to chow down on their treats, when one of their typical conversations started.

"Chainsaw, are you thinking what I am thinking?"

"I don't know, Mohawk. Are you thinking about putting all the candy into a blender and then putting the blender into a car engine to see if it goes faster?"

"No, but that is a cool idea. What I'm actually thinking about is the fact we've gone to every house in these neighborhoods…except that one."

Mohawk choked on his candy in shock, and Chainsaw had to perform his own version of the Heimlich maneuver on his friend (which was just revving up his chainsaw so loudly that the other zombie screamed out the candy in fear).

"You m-m-mean…the house of Doctor Teeth?" said Mohawk.

"What other house, dumbass? Everyone who has tried trick or treating in there has come out crying with no candy and their teeth all nice and shiny. That is reason enough for us to go there and be the first ones to defeat him!"

"But…I'm scared of him! He talks weird, smiles too big and has stabby bits everywhere! And what if he steals my mohawk?"

"Come the fuck on, bro! I'll be there with my chainsaw to protect you if he tries anything funny. And no one would want to steal your mohawk anyway, you're the only one who can pull it off with so much style!"

Mohawk nodded, his fear slowly giving way to courage. "I'll bring my shotgun! And if we win, I'm gonna give us some sick tattoos to show everyone how badass we are!"

"That's the spirit! Now to the mansion of Doctor Teeth!"

It is at this point that one might expect an elaborate plan for breaking and entering from our cool dudes. They had actually fried their putrefied brains trying to come up with such a plan, before agreeing that lock-picks and such were for pussies. Simply driving their car straight through the front door was a much better idea. Due to their utter disregard for speed limits and safety in general, they had crashed violently and fused into a single zombie. After some friendly ribbing, they managed to separate and grabbed their respective weapons.

They looked around the mansion, and were soon very disappointed. There were no brains in jars or killer robots to be seen, not even blood stains and screams of agony.2 Exchanging confused glances and shrugging their shoulders, they called out Doctor Teeth's name and demanded that he show up. They were answered by a scared looking secretary who stuttered something about appointments and property damage.

"We're here to defeat Doctor Teeth and we're not going away until he faces us!" proclaimed Chainsaw, revving up his weapon.

"Yeah! We've got a sweet-tooth tonight and there's nothing sweeter than VENGEANCE!" roared Mohawk, cocking his shotgun.

The secretary sighed and shook his head in disbelief. "Defeat him? Vengeance? What are you two even talking about? I mean, if you really have something against him, I can try and get him to answer your concerns. You didn't have to destroy the goddamn door!"

"Hey, you close some doors, you open others," said Chainsaw in his best impression of a wise philosopher, finger and chin pointed upward.

"The door isn't closed though. It's completely ripped open," corrected Mohawk.

"Don't question the wisdom of Blasto3." replied Chainsaw.

"Well, the two of you are gonna have to wait for a bit, he's currently treating a lot of patients. You would not believe how many people show up here at this time of the year."

The two cool dudes looked at each other and decided it would be most uncool to fight their foe while he was distracted and incapable of providing a real challenge. And so they sat on a sofa and played with the board games and coloring books the secretary offered to them. They mostly ignored the official rules of the board games and made up their own, and drew a big goofy monster which was supposed to represent how they imagined Doctor Teeth.

Both of them were so absorbed in their games and giggling that they did not notice the enormous dentist sneaking up behind them. Doctor Teeth turned on a loud drill, which startled the cool dudes into screaming in a really uncool way. They quickly regained their composure and grabbed their weapons again, doing a back-to-back badasses pose.

But before they could unleash a single one-liner, Doctor Teeth held up his finger to his mouth to demand silence. He paced around them with his arms behind his back, occasionally scoffing and going tsk, tsk, tsk. The invaders looked confused for a while and were unsure of what to do. Eventually the dentist spoke up.

"What is it with everyone acting like fools and madmen on this accursed holiday? Do you have any idea of how busy I am?"

"We don't know, and we don't care! We're here to get candy from you and stop your reign of terror!" said Chainsaw.

"Yeah! Give us treats or you're in for a trick!" said Mohawk.

Doctor Teeth simply smiled. His mouth spread until it almost split his skull open. His jaw unhinged like a snake to reveal his perfectly white and sharp teeth. He proceeded to take Mohawk's shotgun and bend it into a pretzel with his bare hands. Chainsaw's weapon was chewed up and spat out as a hail of shrapnel. The cool dudes just barely managed to dodge the blast, which spelled out the words "GET OUT" on the wall behind them.

"I believe I made myself clear. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work." Doctor Teeth then walked back to his office, complaining of being extremely tired and full of back pain.

Completely dumbfounded but refusing to accept defeat, Chainsaw and Mohawk whispered into each other's ears to come up with a plan B. They went after the dentist and tried to look as sorry as possible. But Doctor Teeth did not want to listen.

"Look, doc, we apologize. But we won't take no for an answer." said Chainsaw.

Mohawk gestured to his friend to let him do the talking for now. "Hey man, you are probably feeling like shit from all the work you're doing. And not getting a thank you from your patients must suck."

"How do you know no one thanks me?" replied Doctor Teeth in surprise.

"Well, every other person that comes out of this place complains that you sing about how fun it is to torment them. I think your job is super important, don't get me wrong. I know I'd be sad if I couldn't chew scrapburgers. But you're going about it the wrong way," said Mohawk.

"Yeah. And Halloween just makes you feel worse, right? Everyone is having fun except you, and they don't appreciate the work you do," said Chainsaw.

"Where are you two going with this?" asked Doctor Teeth with a hint of curiosity.

"How about this. My friend and I will make a costume for you so you can celebrate Halloween and see for yourself if you like it. If you don't like it, we'll never bother you again. But if you do like it, you'll give us candy and be less of an asshole to your patients. Deal?"

"I'll make you a better deal." Doctor Teeth went toward their car, bit off several chunks and threw the vehicle into the distance. It exploded upon landing, and one tire eventually arrived at their feet and dropped with a lame thud.

The cool dudes stared in pure shock at the destruction of their sweet ride.

They exchanged glances and nodded in agreement. Uncool measures were in order.

It is at this point that one might expect them to just blow up Doctor Teeth's house. But even when they lost their cool, Chainsaw and Mohawk were not cruel. There was only one way to make this dentist stop making Halloween a painful experience for people. And luckily for them, their plan B was beyond brilliant. They gathered some of their neighborhood friends, and used their vehicle pieces to build a ramshackle booby trap for Doctor Teeth. With their contraption set in place, they rang his doorbell and hid.

Doctor Teeth appeared and was immediately swept up from his feet by a length of rope. Through a series of mechanical movements that not even the zombies who built the trap understood, Doctor Teeth was covered in a Willy Wonka costume. He then chewed his way out of the trap and fell face first into the ground, screaming bloody murder and demanding to know who was responsible for this. The zombies of the neighborhood revealed themselves, with our cool dudes leading them.

"Come on, Doctor Teeth. Give Halloween a chance. You'll never have to go through anything like this again if you don't have fun," said Chainsaw.

"We're very sorry to do it like this, but you just wouldn't fucking budge," said Mohawk.

"FIIIIINE! I'll do it! But I swear that if you don't keep your word, I'm telling the Boss about this!"

The cool dudes nodded and gave Doctor Teeth time to calm down before offering him some candy. The dentist munched on it with hesitation, but his expression improved ever so slightly.

"Hey, this is pretty good. I can see why people like it so much."

"Well, if you like it, let's do some trick or treating!" said Chainsaw.

"Yeah, man! We'll make sure no one gives you shit for trying to have fun for once," said Mohawk.

For the rest of the night, they went on an adventure in the city like no other. Whenever someone tried to refuse the dentist candy due to his reputation, Chainsaw and Mohawk would help him play tricks. The houses would be covered in eggs, toilet paper and motor oil. The three of them would jury-rig their candy into bigger piles of candy and attach them into a rocket to launch them into the sky. Doctor Teeth got a lot more candy than he expected, and gave away some to those who had none. He even found the inspiration to invent a makeshift anesthetic for his patients. But most importantly, Chainsaw and Mohawk showed all the friendship the dentist had denied himself for so long. As Halloween approached its end, Doctor Teeth received a special offer.

"We want you to become an official member of the Cool Dudes Club!" congratulated Chainsaw.

"You have showed that you not only love to have fun, but are also very generous," complimented Mohawk.

"OK, how do I join? Is there a secret handshake I have to learn or something?"

The cool dudes chuckled and did indeed show him a secret handshake. There was spit on the hands, headbutts and a recital of the Cool Dude Creed.4 They rebuilt the car Doctor Teeth had destroyed, and drove like jolly madmen as the sunrise of All Saints' Day stretched on the horizon.

Footnotes

1. Jawbreakers (active grenades), lollipops (claymores), caramel drops (bullet shells), and tootsie rolls (they were actually just tootsie rolls. Vulture Gulch's residents love those!)

2. Chainsaw and Mohawk didn't really know that dentists didn't do these things, because their notion of doctors was based on pulp comic books.

3. He means Plato.

4. It was just Abraham Lincoln's best quote from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, but with the addition of "die in an explosion".