Input:
Q: What is the title of the book?
A: Unfuck Your CUNNILINGUS: How to Give and Receive Tongue-Twisting Oral Sex

Q: To which series does the book belong?
A: The 5 Minute Therapy Series

Q: Who is the author of the book?
A: Dr. Faith Harper

Q: When was the first edition of the book published?
A: The first edition of the book was published on May 17, 2022

Q: Who is the publisher of the book?
A: Microcosm Publishing

Q: What is the ISBN number for the eBook version of the book?
A: 9781621062349

Q: Who edited the book?
A: Lydia Rogue

Q: Who designed the book?
A: Joe Biel

Q: Who created the illustrations for the book?
A: Gerta Operaku

Q: Where can a catalog for Microcosm Publishing be requested?
A: A catalog for Microcosm Publishing can be requested by writing or visiting their address at 2752 N Williams Ave., Portland, OR 97227 or by visiting their website at <https://microcosm.pub/tongue>

Q: How can the books be purchased directly from Microcosm Publishing?
A: The books can be purchased directly from Microcosm Publishing at sliding scale rates by visiting their website at www.Microcosm.Pub

Q: How does the sliding scale pricing work?
A: The sliding scale pricing allows customers to pay what they can afford for the book, with the understanding that those who can afford to pay more will help subsidize those who cannot.

Q: How can the author accurately depict oral sex in the book?
A: The author can accurately depict oral sex in the book by providing clear and detailed instructions, using anatomically correct language, and considering different perspectives and preferences of people with different bodies and sexual orientations.

Q: How can the author ensure that the book is inclusive and respectful of all readers?
A: The author can ensure that the book is inclusive and respectful of all readers by using gender-neutral language, acknowledging the diversity of sexual experiences, and avoiding stereotypes or assumptions about people's identities or preferences.

Q: How can the author make the book accessible to people with different levels of sexual experience?
A: The author can make the book accessible to people with different levels of sexual experience by providing clear and concise explanations, using visual aids or diagrams, and addressing common misconceptions or questions.

Q: How can the author ensure that the book is accurate and safe?
A: The author can ensure that the book is accurate and safe by consulting with experts in sexual health and anatomy, providing accurate information about STI prevention and contraception, and encouraging open communication and consent between partners.

Q: How can the author make the book engaging and enjoyable to read?
A: The author can make the book engaging and enjoyable to read by using a conversational tone, incorporating humor and personal anecdotes, and providing practical tips and exercises for readers to try.

Response:
Unfuck Your CUNNILINGUS: How to Give and Receive

Tongue-Twisting Oral Sex

Part of the 5 Minute Therapy Series

© Dr. Faith Harper, 2022

First edition © Microcosm Publishing, May 17, 2022

eBook ISBN 9781621062349

Edited by Lydia Rogue

Design by Joe Biel

Illustrations by Gerta Operaku

For a catalog, write or visit:

Microcosm Publishing

2752 N Williams Ave.

Portland, OR 97227

https://microcosm.pub/tongue

Did you know that you can buy our books directly from us at sliding scale rates? Support a small, independent publisher and pay less than Amazon's price at www.Microcosm.Pub


Input:
Q: What is the focus of Microcosm Publishing?
A: Microcosm Publishing focuses on the colorful, authentic, and empowering.

Q: What are some topics that Microcosm Publishing covers in their books and zines?
A: Microcosm Publishing covers topics such as DIY skills, food, bicycling, gender, self-care, and social justice in their books and zines.

Q: When was Microcosm Publishing founded?
A: Microcosm Publishing was founded in 1996.

Q: What is the mission of Microcosm Publishing?
A: The mission of Microcosm Publishing is to equip readers to make positive changes in their lives and in the world around them.

Q: What was the origin of Microcosm Publishing?
A: Microcosm Publishing was started by Joe Biel in his bedroom.

Q: What is the political stance of Microcosm Publishing?
A: Microcosm Publishing is a politically moderate, centrist publisher.

Q: What is the history of Microcosm Publishing's labor practices?
A: Microcosm Publishing has roots in industrial Cleveland in the 70s and 80s, which made them appreciate the need to treat workers right.

Q: Where are Microcosm Publishing's books made?
A: Microcosm Publishing's books are made in the USA.

Q: Why does Microcosm Publishing choose to produce their books in the USA?
A: Microcosm Publishing chooses to produce their books in the USA in order to support fair labor practices and to ensure the quality of their products.

Q: How does Microcosm Publishing contribute to their community?
A: Microcosm Publishing contributes to their community by publishing books and zines that empower and educate readers, and by supporting local businesses and organizations through partnerships and collaborations.

Q: How does Microcosm Publishing support independent authors and creators?
A: Microcosm Publishing supports independent authors and creators by providing them with a platform to share their work and by offering resources and guidance throughout the publishing process.

Q: What sets Microcosm Publishing apart from other publishers?
A: What sets Microcosm Publishing apart from other publishers is their commitment to publishing books and zines that challenge conventional wisdom, empower readers, and foster creativity. They also prioritize fair labor practices and locally sourced materials in their production process.

Q: How can Microcosm Publishing help readers make positive changes in their lives?
A: Microcosm Publishing can help readers make positive changes in their lives by providing them with practical advice, inspiring stories, and actionable steps to improve their well-being, relationships, and communities. They also encourage readers to think critically and creatively about the world around them.

Q: How can Microcosm Publishing help readers make positive changes in the world?
A: Microcosm Publishing can help readers make positive changes in the world by providing them with the knowledge and tools to advocate for social justice, environmental sustainability, and equitable policies. They also highlight the work of activists and changemakers who are making a difference in their communities and beyond.

Q: How can readers get involved with Microcosm Publishing?
A: Readers can get involved with Microcosm Publishing by subscribing to their newsletter, attending their events, supporting their crowdfunding campaigns, and recommending their books and zines to friends and family. They can also submit their own work for publication or volunteer their time and skills to help with production, marketing, and distribution.

Response:
Microcosm Publishing is Portland's most diversified publishing house and distributor with a focus on the colorful, authentic, and empowering. Our books and zines have put your power in your hands since 1996, equipping readers to make positive changes in their lives and in the world around them. Microcosm emphasizes skill-building, showing hidden histories, and fostering creativity through challenging conventional publishing wisdom with books and bookettes about DIY skills, food, bicycling, gender, self-care, and social justice. What was once a distro and record label was started by Joe Biel in his bedroom and has become among the oldest independent publishing houses in Portland, OR. We are a politically moderate, centrist publisher in a world that has inched to the right for the past 80 years.

Global labor conditions are bad, and our roots in industrial Cleveland in the 70s and 80s made us appreciate the need to treat workers right. Therefore, our books are MADE IN THE USA.


Input:
 Q: What is the title of the book?
A: Unfuck Your Cunnilingus

Q: What are the main sections of the book?
A: The book is divided into three main sections: Part 1: This is your brain on cunnilingus, Part 2: How our cunnilingus gets fucked up, and Part 3: Unfuck your cunnilingus.

Q: What is the purpose of the introduction?
A: The introduction provides an overview of the book's content and the author's background.

Q: What is the focus of Part 1?
A: The focus of Part 1 is to explain the physiological and psychological aspects of cunnilingus.

Q: What are the topics covered in Chapter 1?
A: Chapter 1 covers why it feels good to receive cunnilingus.

Q: What are the topics covered in Chapter 2?
A: Chapter 2 covers why people enjoy giving cunnilingus.

Q: What are the topics covered in Chapter 3?
A: Chapter 3 covers common issues that can arise during cunnilingus.

Q: What is the focus of Part 2?
A: The focus of Part 2 is to explore the social and cultural factors that can affect cunnilingus.

Q: What are the topics covered in Chapter 4?
A: Chapter 4 covers internalized cunnilingus stigma.

Q: What is the focus of Part 3?
A: The focus of Part 3 is to provide practical advice for improving cunnilingus.

Q: What are the topics covered in Chapter 5?
A: Chapter 5 covers the importance of consent in cunnilingus.

Q: What are the topics covered in Chapter 6?
A: Chapter 6 covers techniques for giving cunnilingus.

Q: What are the topics covered in Chapter 7?
A: Chapter 7 covers techniques for receiving cunnilingus.

Q: What are the topics covered in Chapter 8?
A: Chapter 8 covers STI prevention and safety during cunnilingus.

Q: What is the purpose of the conclusion?
A: The conclusion summarizes the main points of the book and provides a call to action for the reader.

Q: What is included in the references section?
A: The references section includes a list of sources cited in the book.

Q: What is included in the about the author section?
A: The about the author section provides information about the author's background and credentials.

Q: What is included in the more by Dr. Faith section?
A: The more by Dr. Faith section includes a list of other books and resources by the author.

Response:
Contents

Introduction

Part 1: This is your brain on cunnilingus

Chapter 1: why it feels good to get cunnilingus

Chapter 2: why we like to give cunnilingus

Chapter 3: when things don't work fantastically

Part 2: How our cunnilingus gets fucked up

Chapter 4: internalized cunnilingus fuckening

Part 3: unfuck your cunnilingus

Chapter 5: Consent

Chapter 6: how to give cunnilingus

Chapter 7: How to receive cunnilingus

Chapter 8: sti prevention and safety

conclusion

references

about the author

more by Dr. Faith


Input:
 Q: What is the introduction about?
A: The introduction is about the author's motivation for writing the book and what the reader can expect to gain from it.

Q: What is the purpose of the book?
A: The purpose of the book is to help readers reclaim their sexual self and make informed, enthusiastic, and fun choices about cunnilingus.

Q: What is cunnilingus?
A: Cunnilingus is oral stimulation of a clitoris.

Q: Who is the intended audience of the book?
A: The intended audience of the book is anyone who provides oral pleasure to a partner with a clitoris, anyone with a clitoris who wants to be a better partner when receiving cunnilingus, and anyone interested in learning more about cunnilingus in general.

Q: What is the author's background?
A: The author is a sex educator who has worked to be as inclusive as possible.

Q: What are the limitations of the book?
A: The book is not a comprehensive guide and the advice contained within may or may not apply to every reader's real life experiences.

Q: What is the author's approach to writing the book?
A: The author aimed to provide the best advice of a sex educator who has worked diligently to be as inclusive as possible, but acknowledges that they are not perfect.

Q: What is the tone of the introduction?
A: The tone of the introduction is conversational and informative.

Q: What is the intended effect of the introduction on the reader?
A: The intended effect of the introduction is to engage the reader, provide context for the book, and set expectations for the content.

Q: What is the structure of the introduction?
A: The introduction is structured as a single paragraph that provides an overview of the book's purpose, intended audience, and limitations.

Q: What is the author's perspective on cunnilingus?
A: The author views cunnilingus as a natural and enjoyable sexual activity, but acknowledges that there are cultural and personal factors that can impact people's experiences of it.

Q: What is the author's goal for the reader?
A: The author's goal for the reader is to help them reclaim their sexual self and make informed, enthusiastic, and fun choices about cunnilingus.

Q: What is the author's approach to sex education?
A: The author's approach to sex education is inclusive, conversational, and non-judgmental.

Q: What is the author's message to the reader?
A: The author's message to the reader is that they are here to learn about themselves, a current partner(s), potential partner(s), or human peoples in general.

Q: What is the author's call to action for the reader?
A: The author's call to action is for the reader to get started with the book.

Response:
Introduction

I've written about intimacy in general and boundaries in general. And I've written about sexual consent and sex toys (sex tools!) more specifically. And this book goes in the same pile with those...unfucking our shitty messages about sex and sexuality so you can reclaim your sexual self and make choices that are well-informed, enthusiastic, and freakin' fun.

Cunnilingus is nothing more than oral stimulation of a clitoris.1 You know, going down. Clam diving. Carpet munching. Eating at the Y. Cunnilingus comes from the Latin words for vulva (cunnus) and lick (lingere). So if you are reading this book you may be:

• A person who either provides oral pleasure to a partner with a clitoris (whether one they were born with or one that was bio-constructed) or you are considering adding that to your personal menu.

• You have a clitoris and want to be a better partner when receiving cunnilingus

• You are a research nerd wanting to learn more in general.

I mean, chances are you didn't pick up this book thinking it was about decorating cupcakes. You're here in hopes of learning more about yourself, a current partner(s), potential partner(s), or human peoples in general.

I should also offer caveats that may or may not be obvious. While I am the owner/operator of a vulva, I have not sampled the wares of others. And because I endeavor an approximation of delivering manuscripts on time, I'm afraid I wouldn't have time to finish this book if I was out on a world-wide tasting menu expedition. So consider this the best advice of a sex educator who has worked diligently to be as inclusive as possible, but definitely is not perfect. And advice contained herein may or may not apply to your real life experiences.

So with all that in mind, let's get started.


Input:
 Here is a detailed prompt that would generate the above section of the story:

Write an essay that explores the idea of oral sex as a reciprocal trade agreement. Discuss the benefits that both the receiver and the giver can experience from the act. Mention the concept of being GGG (good, giving, and game) and its importance in a healthy sexual relationship. Discuss the research on sexual transformations and how being open to exploring with your partner can lead to positive changes in sex, intimacy, communication, and relationship satisfaction.

Mention the historical stigma and shame surrounding oral sex and how it was illegal in all 48 states until the mid-20th century. Discuss how the mafia and the rise of second wave feminism contributed to the normalization of oral sex. Mention the statistics on oral sex among young adults and discuss how it is becoming increasingly common as part of foreplay and a common part of people's sexual repertoire.

Finally, thank the millennials for their role in the uptick in tongue stuff and the downfall of crappy chain restaurants.

Response:
Oral sex is kind of a reciprocal trade agreement, when you think about it. It's a negotiation between two (or more) people that is advantageous for everyone involved. Some people like a tongue/mouth (possibly among other things) on their vulva. And some people like to put their tongue/mouth (possibly among other things) on someone else's vulva. And both the receiver and the giver can experience enjoyment, excitement, and fulfillment from the experience.

The word giver is important here. I think the idea that oral sex is purely for the recipient is untrue and part of the shame, stigma, and even mostly-benign snark that surrounds that act. Sex columnist Dan Savage coined the term GGG to mean "good, giving, and game" as a shorthand for the sexual attitudes that are foundational for a healthy sexual relationship. Savage defines GGG as the following: "Think good in bed, giving based on a partner's sexual interests, and game for anything—within reason."

This seems reasonable, but is it measurable? Turns out, yes. You won't find research articles that use Savage's verbiage, but you will find a bunch of research on what is termed sexual transformations. Sexual transformations2 are the changes that we make for the sake of our partner or for the relationship itself, meaning being game.

Not begrudingly and eye-rolly but being open to exploring with your partner, in a playful and creative way. Being game means investing your time and energy into something that is an important part of your relationship...and the payoff (sez the researchers) is positive changes in sex, but also other forms of intimacy (cuddling, kissing, etc.), as well as communication and relationship satisfaction in general.

But until pretty far into the 20th century, like the Dr. Faith was alive part of it, oral sex remained something with Roman Empire vibes. In 1950 it was still dead-ass illegal in all 48 states (this was pre Alaska and Hawaii gaining statehood). Likely because of its ties to queer identity.3 It was something gay men did (e.g., Andy Warhol's movie Blow Job (1964) where five different men off screen filated the man on screen). If a straight man received a blow job, it was from a sex worker, not something shared with a GGG partner.

Wanna know who finally got us to shift out of our ancient Roman mindset? The mafia. Seriously.

Mario Puzo's novel "The Godfather" was published in 1969, complete with passages about mutual oral sex between a husband and wife (you know, 69ing). Then the movie adaptation came out in 1972. Additionally, the X rated film Deep Throat was shot in January 1972 just a couple of months before The Godfather that March (Deep Throat released right after in June of the same years). Deep Throat was a "blue movie" with a fully realized plot, and it captured national attention and became a cultural touchstone. And? It was financed by members of the Colombo crime family. There is nothing more macho than crime boss shit, right? So as Christopher Hitchens stated in his 2006 Vanity Fair piece "As American as Apple Pie" oral sex was "suddenly for real men." It wasn't emasculating to receive or give (!) oral sex.

The mob.

(Well, and the rise of second wave feminism and a demand for equity in sexual pleasure and orgasms, according to some researchers. But let's go with the mob.)

All of a "sudden," oral sex as part of foreplay and a common part of people's sexual repertoire became increasingly normal. Even for more vanilla couples. By 1994, Kinsey researchers reported that "27% of men and 19% of women have had oral sex in the past year."

By 2012, the CDC published research showing that among 20 to 24 year olds, "81% of females and 80% of males had engaged in oral sex." And even before that (in 2005), another Centers for Disease Control survey on teens and sexual behavior found that young men and women were performing oral sex on each other almost equally. Meaning oral sex isn't just something that is done to and for men. Thank you Mario Puzo for introducing the larger culture to the idea. And then my millennials? Y'all are responsible for the downfall of crappy chain restaurants and the uptick in tongue stuff. And we thank you for your service.


Input:
 Write an essay that explains why receiving oral sex can feel good for some people. Discuss the role of fMRI scans in understanding the brain's response to sexual activities and how they show that sex is not addictive in the clinical sense. Mention the American Psychiatric Association's criteria for addiction and how only one non-substance causes the same level of changes as substance addiction.

Explain that the brain's response to orgasm is the same regardless of sex assigned at birth and that there is no "sexual center" of the brain. Discuss the role of the hypothalamus in producing oxytocin and how it contributes to enhanced arousal. Mention the role of the limbic system in pulling up previous associations with movement and touch and memories about other sexual encounters.

Discuss the role of dopamine, pleasure, desire, and motivation in the brain's response to sex. Mention that regular orgasms have been correlated with good health outcomes due to the extra brain activity and consistent blood flow activation to certain regions of the brain.

Explain why oral sex in particular can feel good for some people. Mention different reasons why people might enjoy oral sex, such as the feeling of being taken care of, the vulnerability of doing so, and the opportunity to focus on enjoying their own pleasure. Discuss the role of sounds and visuals in enhancing the experience of receiving oral sex. Finally, encourage readers to mentally insert their own reasons for why they might enjoy receiving oral sex.

Response:
Why it Feels Good to Get Cunnilingus

You've probably heard of MRIs (magnetic resonance imaging) which uses magnetic fields and raido waves to create images of tissues and organs and the like. The cool cousin of MRIs are fMRIs (functional magnetic resonance imaging) which indirectly measures neural activity by measuring the patterns and shifts and differences between oxygenated and deoxygenated blood and how it flows in the brain. fMRI research started showing up in the 90s and quickly became the coolest new cognitive neuroscience tool.

It allows brains to be scanned as we are doing stuff, to see how brain regions light up during these activities. No, this doesn't mean "doing X thing caused Y thing in the brain." Correlation isn't causality, but it is incredibly good information and hugely beneficial in figuring out so much of our hows and whys around sex, desire, arousal.

First of all? The best news is that fMRI data backs up the fact that sex is not addictive in the clinical sense of the word. The American Psychiatric Association (the group of people who look at all the science and determine when there is rigorous enough research for something to be classified as a diagnoses that goes in the DSM) is very specific about what constitutes an addiction. Addictions don't just cause intense cravings, imaging researchers have demonstrated that they change personalities, behaviors, our ability to learn and retain what we learned, and how we move our bodies. These are usually caused by substances, which cause significant changes in not just how the brain functions but how it's structured. Only one non-substance causes these same levels of changes, and that is gambling. Not sex.

This doesn't mean that we can't have out of control behaviors about most anything. You have probably done dumb shit that felt very out of control. If not around sex, around something. Sex tends to be a big one though. Because everyone's brains light up during sex. They are supposed to.

Even though there are physiological differences in how we orgasm based on our sex assigned at birth, how our brains react are exactly the same. And there is no "sexual center" of the brain, there are more than thirty system areas that become engaged. Our touch processing centers getting activated clearly makes sense. But other "seemingly unrelated" areas like the memory and emotions part (limbic system), the body movement part (the hypothalamus), and the judgment and problem solving part (the prefrontal cortex) all have things to say.

The hypothalamus works to quickly produce oxytocin that assists with enhanced arousal. The logical part (the lateral orbitofrontal cortex) dials way down, in order to dispel normal fear and anxiety about vulnerability while the limbic system pulls up are previous associations with movment and touch and memories about other sexual encounters. This is why, yes, those of us who have trauma histories can struggle to relax into sex regardless of whether or not the initial trauma was sexual.

We also activate a bunch of hormones and neurochemicals. The big ones are oxytocin (which is a bonding/attachment/social safety hormone). And dopamine (pleasure, desire, and motivation). And for my people who are thinking "Hah! Dopamine! Addictive!" it's important to realize that these chemicals and chemical pathways light up during sex and orgasm, not in similar ways to that of a drug, but in very similar ways to other normal, human pleasurable experiences. Like listening to your favorite song or eating your favorite meal.

Delight is not addiction.

Further, regular orgasms have been correlated with good health outcomes. The prevailing idea is that the extra brain activity and consistent blood flow activation to those regions of the brain.

So why oral in particular?

If you ask 1,000 different people, you will get 1,000 different answers as to why they like what they like. Some people like oral sex way better than any other kind of sex, some think of it as a fun part of diverse menu but maybe not their favorite thing, and some people are just not that into it.

Some people are unable to, for a multitude of reasons, engage in penatrative intercourse and oral sex allows them to imtimately connect with a partner.

Some like that it feels like penetrative intercourse, specifically hot and wet. It may not feel as tight as penetration, but there is the added option of creating light suction instead which can feel great for some people.

Others love the opportunity to be taken care of, the vulnerability of doing so, and being able to focus on enjoying their own pleasure.

Still others like the sounds or the visuals of it. The wet slurping sounds, the humming, and other noises. And the aesthetics of being able to see what's happening in a different way. You are generally positioned in such a way that you can watch your partner engaging in something for your pleasure, which has been described as being akin to watching yourself star in your own erotic performance venture.

And if none of these apply to you? Feel free to mentally insert your own.


Input:
 Write an essay that explains why people enjoy giving their partners oral sex. Discuss the idea that pleasing a partner can be fun and provide pleasure. Mention that oral sex can be an alternative means of sexual expression for individuals who cannot have or choose not to have penetrative intercourse.

Discuss the idea that oral sex can defy cultural expectations of how sex is supposed to be had. Mention a possible evolutionary explanation for why people enjoy giving oral sex, specifically the idea that swallowing a partner's semen can help the body become accustomed to the partner's DNA, making it less likely for the body to reject their sperm should they decide to have a baby.

Discuss another study that found that individuals are more likely to perform oral sex on a partner they perceive as being a "get" in order to keep them satisfied and less likely to leave for someone who is better at pleasing them. Mention that while there could be evolutionary benefits to oral sex, the reasons why things evolved to happen and why people do them now are not necessarily related.

Finally, emphasize that the most valid reason to perform oral sex is because it feels good.

Response:
Why We Like to Give Cunnilingus

The biggest, realest answer as to why we like to give our partners oral?

It's fun.

Pleasing our partners is fun. Their pleasure can provide us pleasure. Sex is supposed to be an enjoyable thing, so there ya go.

What else?

Going back again to the individuals that cannot have penetrative intercourse or are choosing not to? Oral sex gets centered as our means of partnered sexual expression. Penetrative intercourse, especially the presumed penis-in-vagina kind, doesn't have to be centered as the "proper way to have sex." And isn't it fun to have something else from the sexual menu? And defy all cultural expectations of how we are supposed to have sex?

Anything else? For those of you who want something more science-y or you will be disappointed in my academic database research skills? There actually *is* a possible evolutionary explanation. Authors of a 2010 article published in Journal of Reproductive Immunology point out that a multitude of pregnancy problems have been correlated with the pregnant parent's body rejecting the other parent's genes as foreign. The idea, then, is that swallowing the semen of your partner helps your body become accustomed to your partner's DNA thus making it less likely for you to reject their sperm should y'all end up baby-making.

Another study, this one published in Evolutionary Psychology, found that when someone perceives their partner as being a "get" (meaning they have competition), are more likely to perform oral sex on their partner to keep them satisfied/less likely to wander off with the competition. The authors of this article, speaking specifically to monogamous heterosexual cisgender couples, posit that it makes it much more likely for men to pass on their genes if the woman in question doesn't leave him for someone who is better at pleasing them.

So sure, maybe. There could totally be some evolutionary benefits to oral sex. Though why things evolved to happen and why we do them now are not necessarily related. Especially since most of us are not in such relationship configurations. "Because it feels good" is a perfectly valid reason to do something.


Input:
 Write an essay discussing the various issues that can affect sexual function and desire. Start by defining sexual dysfunction and discussing the problems that fall under this category, such as anorgasmia, dyspareunia, hypoactive sexual desire disorder, and sexual arousal disorder.

Discuss the research that shows that these issues affect 30-40% of individuals with vaginas and vulvas, but also mention the potential accuracy problems with these numbers.

Explain that sexual excitement for people with vaginas and vulvas starts with thoughts and emotions, and that it is more subjective than just a measure of vasocongestion.

Discuss the common experience of low libido and its potential causes, including stress, drug and alcohol usage, lack of sleep, physical and mental health conditions, and medications.

List the signs of low libido, including loss of interest in sexual activity, lack of sexual fantasies, and feeling unhappy or worried about either or both of the above.

Discuss other health issues that can affect sexual function, such as hormonal changes, medical conditions that affect the vagina/vulva directly, vascular issues, and other health conditions that affect pain and mobility.

List the medications that can lead to low libido, including both prescription and over-the-counter medications, as well as recreational drugs.

Discuss age-related changes and how they can affect sexual function and desire, and mention that the physicality of how our bodies function is different from our sexual prime.

Discuss how disabilities can affect sexual function and desire, and mention that while individuals with physical disabilities may engage in mutual sexual activity less frequently, there are many things that predict sexual satisfaction and sexual esteem.

Discuss how hormone therapy can affect sexual function and desire, and mention that the brain is the biggest sex organ in the human body and that our self-concept also has a huge impact on our sexual desire.

Discuss external factors and stigmas that can affect sexual function and desire, such as cultural messages around disability and the presumption that individuals with disabilities are not sexual beings, and the criminalization of human sexuality.

Response:
When Things Don't Work Fantastically

The term of sexual dysfunction is an umbrella term used to refer to any problem anywhere in the sexual response cycle (motivation/desire, arousal, orgasm, resolution) that impedes our pleasure. Issues that fall in this category include:

• Anorgasmia: Inability to have an orgasm

• Dyspareunia: Experiencing pain during sex

• Hypoactive sexual desire disorder: Lack of desire or libido

• Sexual arousal disorder: Problems with arousal

Research demonstrates that one or more of these issues affects about 30% to 40% of individuals with vaginas and vulvas, with low desire levels being most common. But as history has consistently shown regarding medical understanding of our bodies, there are some likely accuracy problems with these numbers.

Most of the arousal research has focused on genital congestion (blood rushing to the area and erectile tissue becoming erect) and lubrication, because that has typically been a good measure for individuals with penes. But sexual excitement for us starts with thoughts and emotions. It's far more subjective than just a measure of vasocongestion.4

Additionally, we are less likely to experience spontaneous desire and spontaneous sexual fantasies, and are more likely to experience our sexual selves as a part of ourselves we connect to, draw forth, and share with a partner (Esther Perel's book Mating in Captivity speaks to this further).

The other common human experience is low libido. Libido exists on a spectrum. Not just among different people but even within ourselves. Low libido (aka hyposexual sexual desire disorder, impaired sexual function, diminished sex drive, etc) is the mind-willing part of sexual expression. It's about the wanting to have sex, versus the physical excitement around sex (like an erection or lack thereof). The Mayo Clinic notes these signs of low libido:

• Loss of interest in any form of sexual activity, both partnered and solo

• Lack of sexual fantasies or thoughts

• Feeling unhappy or worried about either or both of the above

This is a well thought out list of indicators because it really focuses on something changing in a way that is not perceived as for the better. It also accounts for someone who is asexual, greysexual, or demisexual. But if it's you and you're miserable about it? It could be the result of many different things. Stress, drug and alcohol usage, not sleeping for shit, other physical and mental health conditions (hormonal changes being a big one), toxin exposure, relationship stressors. One of the other big culprits for low libido is medications, both over the counter and prescription. The medications that may cause these conditions are listed below, because that's the easiest fix in the bunch. Speaking to your doctor about changing up your medications may resolve the issue quickly. But if that doesn't do the trick, we are going into a lot of other strategies later in the book that may help, as well.

Other health issues that can harsh our mellow include:

• Hormonal changes (which can lead to vaginal dryness and even atrophy, which makes penetrative intercourse particularly painful, but all kinds of sex may also be unfun)

• Medical conditions that affect the vagina/vulva directly like endometriosis, ovarian cysts, uterine fibroids, vaginal inflammation (vaginitis), and vaginal muscle spasms (vaginismus). Interestingly enough, most of the testosterone women produce is in our ovaries, so ovarian production of testosterone getting shut down

• Vascular issues (anything that affects blood flow, particularly to the vagina/vulva/labia/clitoris)

• Other health conditions (diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, multiple sclerosis, arthritis, and anything that affects pain and mobility)

• Medications and treatments (chemotherapy, other cancer treatments, and many types of antidepressants are the biggest culprits but not the only ones)

• Depression (depression is a total libido killer….50% of the individuals that struggle with major depressive disorder have sex drive, sex arousal, and even vaginal lubrication issues), stress levels (cortisol decreases sex drive), drug/alcohol addiction, trauma history (especially related to physical sexual abuse)

• Toxin exposure (ugh, the inflammation)

• Sleep disorders

• A stationary lifestyle (bodies really need to move, and if that isn't part of our regular daily activities, including getting exercise, they get grumpy)

• Body image and self-consciousness

• Relationship problems in general

Medications That Can Lead To Low Libido

Prescription Medications:

  * Anti-anxiety medications based on benzodiazepines (Xanax)
  * Anticonvulsant medications (such as, Tegretol, Phenytoin, Phenobarbital)
  * Antidepressants (including, anti-mania medications, antipsychotics, MAOIs, SSRIs, SNRIs, tricyclic antidepressants)
  * Benign prostatic hyperplasia treatments (such as Flomax, Propecia, Proscar)
  * Cancer treatments (including radiation and chemotherapy)
  * Heart and blood pressure medications (including, ACE inhibitors, a-Adrenergic blockers, b-adrenergic (beta) blockers, centrally acting agents, diuretics, thiazides, and statins)
  * Hormonal contraceptives (such as Ortho Tri-Cyclen )
  * Opioid pain relievers (such as Vicodin, Oxycontin, and Percocet)
  * Steroid medications (including anabolic steroids and corticosteroids)

Over-the-counter medications:

  * Antifungals, specifically ketoconazole or fluconazole
  * Antihistamines, including Benadryl (diphenhydramine) and Chlor-Trimeton (chlorpheniramine)
  * Tagamet (cimetidine)

Recreational Drugs:

This category is harder to listicle, because people's experiences of them vary widely. Alcohol and THC are examples of super-common substances that elevate libido in some people and crash it out in others. So anything you are taking may be having a frustrating impact on your sex life.

All medications operate in the body differently. Time to take effect and time to clear out. So not taking it for one day may or may not be an efficacious litmus test. Read up on whatever you're taking and talk to your prescriber about anything that they have given you. What are options for titrating your dosage or stopping altogether? Can this be done safely? What other side effects might occur that you need to watch for? When would you notice a difference? All that complicated adult-y stuff

Age-related Changes

Oh, my bouncing baby Buddha, save us from the idea that our sexual primes are in our twenties. And praise be sex therapist David Schnarch, author of the book Passionate Marriage for challenging the notion by pointing out that there's a big different between one's genital prime and one's sexual prime

Sure, our genital primes (the physicality of how our bodies function) are when we are younger. But our sexual primes? Not until way later. A study of men in Norway found that those in their 50s experienced more sexual satisfaction than they did in their 30s, even if not everything is as hard, wet, or quick to bounce back, or whatever else we may miss from our youth.

As we get older and have had more sex, we leave behind our exploratory years and enter the years of self-confidence. We know what we like. We know how we like it. We are exhausted of the insecurities that the larger culture has foisted upon us and we started living to be comfortable in our bodies. Which leads to better sexual encounters and orgasms. And if you feel that you aren't there yet? You're literally doing the research to help you get there, which makes you a total badass.

And yes, older generations are still having lots of sex. Even generations that came of age pre-sexual revolution.5 Because bodies do age and like to do wonky, non-behaving things sometimes, oral sex can become an even more integral part of sexual connection with a partner (read: penetrative intercourse can become more difficult to accomplish for a multitude of reasons). Many older couples related oral sex to a better quality of relationship and overall life happiness than younger people do in studies on sexual behavior.

Due to Disability

Disabilities can be something we are born with (genetic) or something that can happen to us at any time (acquired). In both cases, there may be fuckery to overcome beyond living in a body that isn't performing the way you want it to. The cultural messages around disability (and the presumption that you now exist in the category of non-sexual), are slowly changing, though we still have a long way to go.

Later in this book we are going to get more granular about adaptations that can help you better enjoy your sexual self, but for right here I think it's most important to note that while individuals with physical disabilities report engaging in mutual sexual activity less frequently than able-bodied folks (especially for folks who struggle with day-to-day tasks without assistance/support), there are many things that predict sexual satisfaction and sexual esteem.

Additionally, the longer we live with the physical limitations of our bodies, the more positive we feel about ourselves as sexual beings. Just like we feel more comfortable with our sexual selves as we get older, we also have the capacity to grow into a level of comfort with our bodies over time as well. Partnered sexual activity focuses more on other parts of the menu and one of the things most frequently mentioned is oral sex.

Which is to say, oral sex is a solution, not the problem.

While on Hormone Therapy

Despite what a neoconservative politician would have you believe, most of the people on hormone therapy are not doing so as part of gender affirmative care. Meaning most people on hormones are cisgender. For some people, hormone therapy can be a game changer in terms of desire, arousal, and performance. But because the brain is the biggest sex organ in the human body, our self-concept also has a huge impact on our sexual desire. The entirety of our bodies change with hormones and someone being on hormones for a thyroid condition, as an example, may not feel great about how that changes their physical appearance which can in turn affect arousal.

Additionally? Someone who is on the trans spectrum, and is on a hormone therapy regimen as part of their care, may also notice changes in their arousal patterns and changes in how they perceive their body which impacts sexual desire just as much as it can for a cis person.

Even if you are loving all of the health benefits of hormone therapy, you may find that your erogenous zones have changed which is something important to communicate with a partner.

Well, it wouldn't be a Dr. Faith book if we didn't start with how we get fucked up, right? The fuckery. If you have struggled with this, or felt anxious, or uncomfortable and not sure why? We might just be able to unravel some of that together.

External Factors and Stigmas

Sex is super important to most people. Not everyone (I see you my sex-repulsed and sex-neutral peeps), but most everyone. While old cranks and media pontificators like to rail about how modern culture has permissioned us to be sex obsessed freaks, that's dead-ass not true. Human beings always HAVE been sex-obsessed freaks.

Humans invented the dildo before the wheel. Not just a few years before the wheel, but 25,000 years before the wheel.

Priorities.

The original dildos were made out of stone (ok, makes sense) and other materials like dried camel dung (please, please don't). But that's not all. It was super openly discussed and shared. Sex and sexy toy usage was depicted in cave paintings . . . going back to paleolithic cave art. Our earliest ancestors were as kinky as we are, bless their hearts.

In his book Ethical Porn For Dicks, Dr. David Ley refers to these early images as "petro-porn" (love that) and also points out that these images not only exist across all human cultures, they were also placed in areas where the light of the campfire would cast shadows that would turn the still images into flickering stop-motion mini-movies.

Cunnilingus was not a dirty thing early in human history. In fact, it was revered. For example, the earliest known civilization…Sumeria (the area now part of modern day Iraq) was very pro-yummy of oral sex. There was a Sumerian lovesong (this is like 2000 BCE mind you) that translates to Like her mouth her vulva is sweet, like her vulva her mouth is sweet. And Taoists of ancient China promoted ingesting the vaginal secretions of one's partner in order to strengthen their own Yang.

In case you are looking for a new religion or anything.

And in the common era, the Kama Sutra did not once stutter in its insistence that men should give women orgasms. In fact the Sanskrit word for clitoris is smara-chattra which means umbrella to the god of love.

In case you are looking for a new band name or anything.

But because we clearly are not allowed to have nice things for long, things started going dark during the Hellenistic period.6 Cunnilingus started getting made fun of/dismissed as something only lesbians or men who can't get an erection do.

Then the Romans said "hahaha, hold my mead" and went on to dictate that the word clitoris (landīca) is an obscenity. The actual appropriate word for the body part became as not-OK as the word cunt, and started only showing up in graffiti.

Then? The fall of the Roman Empire actually made things worse. It led to a lot of seperatist feudal kingdoms, weirdly segregated populations, and a spread of different sects of Christianity. And? Long-story-short? This also spread new weird rules about sexual acts. Yes, sects killed sex.
As certain cultural paradigms changed, criminalization of human sexuality increasingly became the norm. We know that these practices still happened because most humans have sex. But ways of experiencing and sharing pleasure that did not relate directly to procreation become increasingly punished (sound familiar?).

Although of course, no one stopped doing fun stuff. And documentation still demonstrates the ubiquity of human sexual expression in all its various forms. After spending time being relegated to graffiti, it started appearing in documents that are referred to by historians as penitential literature, documents related to punishments or penances owed for these ridiculous forms of sex that were being done for FUN instead of BABY MAKING. For example, one document from Ireland, specially decreed four years of penance for cunnilingus (and seven years for repeat offenders for cunnilingus, in case you wondered.)

But if that wasn't dark enough, we moved into treating oral sex from something kinda chafa into something that was considered downright evil. The women's holocaust, the witch trials of Europe and then the colonies, fucked us up but good for a very long time. A 15th century witch hunting guide referred to clitorides as the devil's teat. Meaning its mere existence made one a witch. Then there are trial records from Massachusetts that contain explicit information regarding both cunnilingus and female ejaculate as evidence of witchcraft that led the defendant to be put to death.

Hundreds of years of these kinds of laws (which still exist in some areas) and continued struggle with this level of purity culture has created a complicated glop of ideas to unfuck. What we think we are supposed to like and what we actually like are competing ideas, even to this day.


Input:
 Write an essay discussing the internalized issues that can affect oral sex, particularly for people with vaginas and vulvas. Start by discussing how larger cultural messages can lead to internalized issues, such as feelings of not being deserving of a healthy sex life or feeling gross or weird about one's genitalia.

Discuss how body image and genital self-image can affect sexual experiences and how unresolved trauma can create huge swings when it comes to desire, arousal, and orgasm.

Mention that dissociation or disembodiment that often appears regularly among individuals with trauma histories can be common in mediating sexual expression.

Emphasize that if any of these issues resonate, the reader is not alone and that culture is something we create and can change.

Provide suggestions for opening up the conversation about oral sex with a partner, such as using a yes/no/maybe checklist or starting with an identity conversation.

Provide examples of identity information that can be discussed with a partner, such as gender descriptors, sexual orientation identity words, and terms for body parts and sexual roles.

List some resources for yes/no/maybe checklists, including ones that are more specific to different interests and one that is designed specifically for visual communicators.

Response:
Internalized Cunnilingus Fuckening

As you might expect, alot of our internalized issues with oral sex started with these larger cultural messages discussed above.

But then.

We add in our over-worried, over-thinkied, over-anxious brains to the mix and while we may have moved past larger social messages, we still struggle with our own sense of enough-ness.

Meaning, we think other people deserve fun and healthy sex lives, but not us. We're gross. We look weird, we smell weird, no one wants to put their face….you know….down THERE. Most people are aware there is a good amount of research on body image in general, but genital self-image is prevalent enough also to have been studied scientifically. Zero surprise in that how we feel about our bodies overall and our genitalia in particular changes our overall sexual experiences.

Another huge issue for many people is their trauma history. Unresolved trauma, by definition, involves numbness/avoidance followed by hyper arousal and reactivity. Meaning not feeling anything and then feeling too much. And the feeling too much is related to the previous trauma, not current events. And many traumatic events (not just sexual assault, abuse, and rape) are heavily somatic, meaning they create huge swings when it comes to desire, arousal, and orgasm. This can look like being hyposexual or hypersexual, and even moving quickly between the two states regularly.

Masters and Johnson researchers pointed out back in the 1990s (in a study published by the US Department of Justice!!), that the dissociation (disembodiment) that often appears regularly among individuals with trauma histories can be incredibly common in mediating sexual expression. The ability to detach, important to trauma survival, can continue to kick in regularly in our lives. And many people will continue to have sex from this place of detachment, so the physiology of of our bodies is still online but not our emotional states. This allows us to shut off the "this person may be dangerous" part of our brain but also "this is a partner with whom I choose to have a connection" part as well, which definitely can end up being a problem.

All of this is to say, if you notice that you struggle with intimacy, oscillate back and forth on feeling connected and disconnected (with nothing different going on with that partner), or find that it's all fine as long as you are thinking about something else? These may be trauma reactions. And you deserve to heal what is unhealed in you, not just for your sex life but for all aspects of your life.

So if any of this resonates, you are not alone. But the good news? One of my favorite grad school professors once pointed out to me that culture is anything we create. We. Me and you. Out there changing the word for ourselves and other people. Let's create a culture in which we get to enjoy what we enjoy and tap out of things we don't with no hard feelings, yeah?

There is no way to talk about it without just talking about it. Just like the only way out of Mordor is through Mordor. Uncomfortable, whether or not y'all are brand new or been together a minute. Though as uncomfortable as it feels, it becomes far easier and more natural with very little time. It's totally ok to throw me under the bus and say "So I'm reading this book that has more information about oral sex than I thought existed on the planet. While she probably takes the whole topic way too seriously, I did realize we never have discussed what we like and don't like in that regard."

Because with very few exceptions, your partner is going to know their body way better than you do. And the resounding theme of the rest of this chapter is "Here is an idea….if you and your partner are into it." Meaning, every body operates differently and there is no one right way to give head.

Ok, I take that back, there is. The one right way to give head is to communicate clearly with your partner and then enjoy the agreed-upon plan together.

Other than admitting you were reading this book, how else can you open up the conversation? A lot of my couple-clients (and throuple and so on FWIW) have found using a yes/no/maybe checklist as a solid way of opening up the conversation. But before we even do that, a lot of peeps also really benefit from a from starting with an identity conversation. Not just the "my name is [blank] and my pronouns are [blank]" but getting even more specific to how that relates to their body and their sexual expression. This format is one I modified from a yes/no/maybe checklist written by Tab Kimpton as part of the Khaos Komix series.

Identity Information

  * I describe my gender as:

• My pronouns are:

• My gender descriptor words are: (femme, butch, boi)

• My sexual orientation identity words are:

• My sexual role (e.g. top, bottom) words are:

• My terms for my chest/breasts are:

• My terms for my genitals are:

• My terms for my prostate/Gräfenberg spot are:

• My terms for my anal region/alimentary canal are:

• These terms are:

___ relatively static for me

___ regularly fluid for me.

  * If I am fluid, this is how I communicate that information to a partner so they know to shift language:
  * Some words I am not okay with to refer to me, my identity, my body or, or which I am uncomfortable using or hearing are:
  * I am activated (and not in a good way) by certain words or language. Those are/that is:
  * Are certain words okay in some settings or situations but not in others?
  * How so? (Explanation not required unless you want to, just which situations should be watched for)
  * How flexible am I with what a partner might want to call something I like calling something else?
  * Any other important information to share?

Yes/No/Maybe Checklists

Great! Next helpful part? Sharing with a partner/partners what you're into. These checklists can be super intricate, involved, and intensive and many of my clients have reported back "Ok, so I'm not kinky at all, considering all the possibilities out there." So trying to create an inclusive one here is pretty impossible. Also, there are really good ones already available, including ones that are more specific to different interests and one that is designed specifically for visual communicators. Some are more specific than others. One is better for visual thinkers and the last one on the list is specific for consensual non-monogamy. Check them out online and see if any feel like a good starting place for you:

• Sexual Interests Checklist (AskingForWhatYouWant.com)

• Yes/No/Maybe List (SexWithEmily.com)

• Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist (Scarleteen.com)

• The Super Powered Yes/No/Maybe List: A Negotiation Tool for Sex Nerds (BexTalksSex.com)

• Navigating Consent & Setting Sexual Boundaries: Yes/No/Maybe List (SunnyMegatron.com)

• You Need Help: Here Is A Worksheet To Help You Talk To Partners About Sex: A List For Visual People (Autostraddle.com)

• Poly Yes/No/Maybe List (Polynotes.tumblr.com)


Input:
 Write an essay discussing consent and its importance in sexual interactions. Start by defining consent as the informed, voluntary agreement reached for an activity/exchange between two or more sentient beings. Emphasize that consent provides a safe framework for interactions and allows individuals to experience their desires in a sex-positive way.

Discuss the concept of permissive consent and how it allows us to engage in specific actions in relation to cultural standards of practice and social norms. Explain that permissive consent is established in one of three ways: explicit consent, implicit consent, and blanket/opt-out/meta-consent.

Provide examples of each type of consent and explain the potential issues that can arise, such as when someone presumes that engaging in one sexual activity implies consent for another activity that wasn't discussed.

Emphasize that consent is foundational for healthy behaviors and that establishing and communicating boundaries is essential for changing relationships and expectations of interactions within the community.

End the essay by providing an example of a written consent contract, explaining its purpose and how it can create a foundation and structure for a conversation about active, continuous consent.

Response:
CONSENT

Consent is the informed, voluntary agreement reached for an activity/exchange between two or more sentient beings. When it comes to the expression and negotiation of our boundaries, we generally do so through how we communicate consent. At its most basic level, consent is permission for something to happen. And most importantly, our permission should be punctuated with an exclamation point. In an ideal situation, you aren't having to be convinced, you're saying "yes!" Consent provides a safe framework for interactions. For those of us with trauma histories, a safe framework can be a very healing experience. And, equally important, it allows us to experience own our desires in a sex-positive way.

Permissive consent is what allows us to engage in specific actions in relation to those cultural standards of practice and social norms. For example, originating consent holds that it is not acceptable behavior to stab needles into another human being on the regular, right? But if you go see a tattoo artist, sign their waiver, and pay them for their work, you are engaging in permissive consent.

Permissive consent is our expression of boundaries in context. And despite all our conversations about active, continuous consent the reality is that most consent is not verbal. This isn't good or bad, it's just something to be aware of.

Permissive consent is established in one of three ways:

Explicit Consent: Explicit consent requires the "yes" to be spoken. It is directly expressed consent. A contract that is reviewed, understood, and signed before any exchange is explicit consent. Asking another person "may I your " is explicit consent. When we talk about active, continuous consent (meaning active agreement to activity with continued check-ins that the activity is still a go) we are talking about explicit consent.

Implicit Consent: Implicit consent operates on presumptions of nos and yeses. It is the inference of consent based on our actions and circumstances. This isn't a fundamentally terrible thing. We do it all the time. If I purchase a bag of pistachios and leave it on my husband's desk, the implication is that they are there for him to eat. If you apply for a job and your resume includes the names and contact information for references, the implication is that the potential employer will call them to verify your employment eligibility. This is also the area that gets people in the most trouble, such as when someone presumes that engaging in one sexual activity implies consent for another activity that wasn't discussed.

Blanket/Opt-Out/Meta-Consent: These types of consent require a "no" to be spoken. They give the opportunity for the no and if the no is not forthcoming, the "yes" is presumed. This is another common way of operating within close relationships. For example, someone you know well may hug you when they see you and the presumption would be that that is a norm in your relationship. If you weren't down for a hug, you would say "I'm super touched out today, I need a mulligan on the hug" to let them know there was a change in your normal interactions. An example within the BDSM community would be in edge play, where the dom is setting the scene but the sub has a safeword that they can invoke.

Consent is foundational. Healthy behaviors cannot exist without consent being the first part of the equation. But the minute we start saying "I, too, have a personhood to be respected" through the act of establishing and communicating boundaries, we are changing our relationships and our expectations of interactions within our surrounding community. We are evolving toward equity in interaction for the betterment of all humans.

Sample Consent Contract

Since our contemporary conversation around consent started within the kink community, let's look at one of the more formal consent tools that has come from the aforementioned community. Some people may snicker at the idea, but a written consent contract doesn't exist for the purpose of earning extra-woke brownie points. They make sense for BDSM play, but even beyond that, they create a foundation and structure for a conversation about active, continuous consent. And that's not woke-ness...that's badass, thoughtful adulting.


Input:
 Write an essay providing an example of a detailed and formal consent contract. Start by stating that the individual declaring the contract is over 18 years old, not under the influence of intoxicants or medications that inhibit their ability to affirm consent, and that the agreement is of their own free will.

Explain that the contract is a private agreement not to be disclosed to third parties except in case of accusation of sexual misconduct by an agreeing party. If an agreeing party shows or makes public this agreement without accusation of sexual misconduct, they will be liable for damages for invasion of privacy.

Include a section for the individual to initial if they agree to engage in all or some of the following consensual acts, and to specify the individual(s) they will be engaging with.

Provide a section for the individual to specify the safer sex methods they want utilized during these acts.

End the contract by stating that the individual does not intend to change their mind before the sex act or acts are over, but if they do, all involved parties/partners agree to STOP INSTANTLY when the individual says a specified word or makes a specified signal.

Include a space for both parties to sign and date the contract and provide a disclaimer stating that the sample contract does not constitute legal advice and is provided for educational purposes only.

Response:
I, ________________________________, hereby declare under penalty of perjury that I am over 18 years old and am not under the influence of intoxicants or medications that inhibit my ability to affirm consent.

I further declare that this agreement is of my own free will and that neither I nor anyone near or dear to me has been threatened with negative consequences if I chose not to enter into this contract.

Both parties agree that this is a private agreement not to be disclosed to third parties except in case of accusation of sexual misconduct by an agreeing party.

If an agreeing party shows or makes public this agreement without accusation of sexual misconduct, it is agreed that they will be liable for damages for invasion of privacy.

By initialing, _____ I agree to engage in all or some of the following consensual acts.

______________________________________________________

With the following individual(s)

______________________________________________________

Safer sex methods that I want utilized during these acts include:

______________________________________________________

At this time I do not intend to change my mind before the sex act or acts are over. However, if I do, it is further understood that when I say the words _____ or make the signal (hand gesture, etc.) ____ all involved parties/partners agree to STOP INSTANTLY!

Signed: ________________________________ Date: ____________________

Signed: _______________________________ Date: ____________________

Disclaimer: This sample contract does not constitute legal advice and is provided for educational purposes only. Check with legal counsel before entering into any agreement.


Input:
 Write an essay addressing the common concern of individuals who feel they don't know enough about their own sexual desires to know what turns them on. Start by acknowledging the frustration and isolation these individuals may feel, and reassure them that they are not alone in this situation.

Explain that the idea of sexual desire being something that someone else gives us is an oversimplification. Challenge this notion by introducing the concept of contextual desire, emphasizing that desire can be influenced by a variety of factors beyond just an individual's actions or physical attributes.

Encourage readers to explore their own desires, as this can lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying sexual experience. Provide examples or suggestions for how they can do this, such as exploring their own body through self-touch, reflecting on past sexual experiences, or discussing their desires with a trusted partner.

Remind readers that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to experience desire, and that everyone's sexual journey is unique. Encourage them to approach this exploration with an open mind and a sense of curiosity, rather than feeling pressured to fit into a certain mold.

Response:
But What If I Don't Know Enough About Myself To Know What Turns Me On?

As frustrating as it feels to be in a situation where you don't know what gets your engines revved, please know that you are far from alone and you are miles away from unusual. We think of sexual desire as something that someone gives us. That is, it's someone's job to turn us on.

That's an oversimplification of how contextual desire really is.


Input:
 Write an essay discussing the importance of understanding one's own sexual desires and preferences. Begin by explaining that sexual expression comes from within an individual, and that they have the power to choose to share this with a partner.

Introduce Rosemary Basson's sexual desire model, which demonstrates that there are several steps that individuals go through in their internal world and connection to their erotic selves before they reach actual sexual desire. Emphasize the importance of slowing down and connecting back to oneself, rather than solely focusing on experimentation and trying new things.

Discuss the concept of engagement through the five senses, and explain how understanding which sense an individual most strongly connects to can help them receive with more intentionality. For each of the five senses (visual, kinesthetic, auditory, olfactory, and gustatory), provide examples of how engaging with that sense can help individuals connect to their own sexual desire.

Include a section on communication strategies, and discuss how individuals can work towards being a "leveler" in their communication, which means being emotionally balanced, assertive about their wants and needs without steamrolling others, and aiming for problem-solving that benefits all parties involved.

Finally, provide tips for giving feedback to a partner in a way that is constructive and encouraging, using the "feedback burrito" technique. This involves surrounding a request for change with positive comments, which helps to minimize the negative impact that criticism can have on the human brain.

Throughout the essay, encourage readers to be curious and non-judgmental about their own desires, and remind them that exploring their own preferences is a form of mindfulness and an important part of the consent process.

Response:
In reality, our sexual expression comes from something within us that we, in turn, can choose to share with a partner. Rosemary Basson's sexual desire model7 demonstrates that there are several steps that we get to that are about our internal world and our connection to our erotic selves before we get to actual sexual desire.

While expanding our repertoire and trying new things and experimentation is also a fun part of being a sexual being, so is slowing down and connecting back to ourselves and what we like and don't like. It's another form of mindfulness. It means being curious within ourselves instead of judgemental. And letting go of the rules and assumptions we have created for ourselves and our sexual encounters.

This all ties to consent as a continuous process, that requires us to listen in to our own bodies just as a continuously. What was right for you in the past and what may be right for you in the future, may not serve you in the present.

Let's look at some questions to help you connect to that space:

1) When did you feel like your most authentic self (connected and grounded in your body)?

2) What things were you doing for yourself that helped facilitate that?

3) What activities give you energy or feel worth the energy they take?

4) What activities feel playful to you?

5) What gets you curious and interested in life?

Engagement Through the 5 Senses

Another way we can build a solid understanding of how we connect to our inner eroticism is by understanding how we most strongly engage in the world. We all explore the world through our 5 senses (or at least as many of these senses as we have access to) and we all tend to be more strongly engaged through one or two of the than the others. In her book Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century, Barbara Carrellas points out that recognizing which sense we most connect to can help us receive with more intentionality. So let's look at where you stand, yeah?

Visual

When you recall details about an event do you most easily go to what you saw? How easily can you visualize your childhood home? Where you live now? What your favorite person looks like? Is how someone looks or how they move their body sensual to you?

Kinesthetic

When you recall details about an event do you most easily remember how things felt when you engaged them with your body? How easily can you remember what your favorite article of clothing feels like on your skin? Picking up a warm mug when your hands are cold? The sensation of jumping into a pool of water? What a partner's body feels like when it connects with yours?

Auditory

When you recall details about an event do you most easily remember what you heard other people say or noises that were made? How easily can you remember someone's tone of voice? How easily do you learn and retain information when it is told to you verbally? Do you most connect with the sounds a partner makes during sex?

Olfactory

When you recall details about an event do you most easily remember what things smelled like? How easily can you remember what your elementary school classroom smelled like? Your favorite flower? Your favorite perfume or cologne? Do you most connect to a partner's scent?

Gustatory

When you recall details about an event do you most easily remember what things tasted like? Can you easily recall the taste and texture of your favorite food? Can you see or hear about something and imagine what it would taste like immediately? Do you most connect with how your partner tastes when you kiss or lick them?

If you are noticing some clear differences in how quickly and clearly certain memories come up based on one of two of your senses, this can provide some great cues on how you connect to your own sexual desire and how you share that with a partner. Practice engaging the world with these senses more on a daily basis and more with a partner and see what new things you start to figure out about yourself!

After Action Report

Any time you're engaging sexually with someone, and especially if you are being game to new experiences, unpacking the experience after the excitement cycle part is over can be incredibly beneficial. Is this something you continue to want on the menu or nah?

Do you feel relaxed? Happy? Calm? Embodied? Satisfied? If this is a person that you have a level of relationship with, do you feel closer to them? These are all signals of a positive experience.

Positivity aside, not everything has to add up to 100 percent amazing. It's also important to ask yourself what you enjoyed specifically...what brough your the most pleasure? What was less pleasurable? What was the most physically intense? Emotionally intense? Did anything surprise you? How so? Was there anything that you struggled to convey in the moment that your partner would have benefits from hearing? Is there anything you wanted to share feedback around?

If you are struggling with some guilt afterward, check in with yourself about whose voice speaks this guilt. If it's external, question that. If whoever speaks with such judgment in your head was silenced (a family member, pastor, society in general) how would you feel? For example, if noone on the planet cared that you liked having sex while wearing an Eeyore onesie, and in fact, were highly encouraging... would you still feel that it was wrong for you? This helps us separate out cultural programming from our own authentic desire.

But...with trauma histories it can be difficult to figure out what is authentic to us, versus the ghosts of past pain. If this is your history, check in with the specifics around that. Did you feel connected or dissociated? Was your entire focus on your partner or did you stop to connect to your own pleasure (because yes, giving is also supposed to be pleasurable)? If you find that you perform well with a partner but struggle with being truly present I'd like to strongly, strongly suggest a therapist who works specifically with trauma because you deserve authentic pleasure, too!

Communication Strategies

Virginia Satir was a therapist and author, often referred to as the mother of family therapy, whose work on resolving communication has been used for decades. She found in her practice as a clinical social worker, that change could be affected fairly quickly by identifying issues with communication and working to improve communication effectiveness.

She theorized that our issues with communication are related to the things we needed to do to survive in our families of origin, which we often carry through to adulthood. This led her to identify patterns in our communication strategies and create a model around them. The first four communication strategies (placating, computing, blaming, distracting) emerge as shields. We aren't being deliberately shitty, we're being trauma reactive and self-protective...even when these strategies no longer serve.

Placaters

Placaters agree. They tend to do things to please others, to their own detriment. The body posture and voice often demonstrate subservience to the person they are trying to placate. The internet often refers to this as fawning behavior.

Blamers

Blamers always disagree as a show of power and autonomy. They may demonstrate intimidating behavior in the process, such as a loud voice/aggressive stance/threatening behaviors. Blamers are the most likely to initiate conflict, but that drive generally comes from feeling very alienated.

Computers

Computers are freakily calm and rational even in in heightened emotional conditions. They strive to be ultra-reasonable which can make them seem unmoving around and dismissive of the feelings of others. A computer is ultra-reasonable, rationalizing and trivializing the content of communication.

Distractors

Distractors don't follow the subject at hand at all. They may seem nonsensical, but they are really working to get away from uncomfortable topics by trying to get everyone to pay attention to something safer. If a topic shift doesn't work, they may ignore questions, drift off, act sleepy, etc.

Leveler

Levelers are emotionally balanced. They are assertive about their wants and needs without steamrolling others. This doesn't mean they aren't emotional, but it does mean their communication communication is clear regarding their wants and needs and they want problem solving to be beneficial to all parties involved, instead of aiming for some configuration of "you win" or "I win" or "what problem?" Conflict doesn't feel good but it takes less of a toll on their self-worth.

Communication: Noping and Yesing and Feedback Convos

So, clearly the idea is to be a leveler. Satir used the term to describe someone who operates "on the level," meaning with an authenticity and congruence that demonstrates they are trustworthy and engaged. Satir (along with all helping professionals everywhere) demonstrated time and again that we are not our behavior and are entirely capable of recognizing our patterns that no longer serve and adopting new ones.

Leveler communication styles also quickly derail the four more problematic styles quickly because a leveler uses clear language, coming to their point quickly and redirecting back to it when necessary. They ask others to speak for themselves, requests for their feedback, acknowledges their experiences...all without taking on responsibility for anyone but themselves. Levelers address complicated emotions, are responsive to themselves and the people they are talking to, and do not exert pressure on others to follow their will.

Conversations around sex are nerve wracking for most human peoples. After all, this isn't something society encourages us to do. And our extra-annoying narrative around oral sex in particular hasn't helped matters. The only way out of Mordor is through Mordor and the quickest route is to come through with the conscious effort of a badass leveler who goes in wanting to solve the problem, not win an argument.

(When working with couples, I challenge many arguments in my office with "Ok, is this the two of you against the problem or the two of you against each other?")

"No, thank you" to something you don't want to do isn't mean. It's clear. And clear is always the kindest option. If you're struggling with that, I feel ya, and I highly recommend my book Unfuck Your Boundaries.

The biggest obstacle to overcome in saying no, and often even to a conditional yes, besides our own internal people pleasing instincts, is to make sure we are differentiating that the no is a rejection of an offer, not a rejection of the other person or your relationship with them. Having a few back-pocket scripts can be hugely beneficial if you struggle to express yourself. Such as:

1) I'm super into you, but that particular activity is not on my menu. It's like shellfish, most people love it and others are allergic.

2) I'm ready to get started. Do you prefer to put on a condom yourself or is it sexier if I help?

3) I can tell you had a long day at work, let's take a shower together and get refreshed before we get into bed.

4) I love how into receiving you are from me, it turns me on. But receiving from you is also a huge turn on and I'd like more of that in our life. Without making it a weird scoring system or something, how can we be more equitable in sexitimes?

The Feedback Burrito

Sometimes we realize something isn't great for us, during or after the fact. This is utterly normal and natural and you aren't expected to know everything and express it perfectly. And you are allowed to realize that something you were game to try is not something you want to continue to do. Or that you still like the idea but y'all didn't do great on the execution. One skill I learned in my doc program8 was how to give feedback to new interns in a way that incorporated all the things they were doing really, really right with the area that we needed to work on. It's slightly more complicated than sandwich feedback (positive, negative, positive), because the human brain centers negative information so strongly (for survival reasons).

This means taking a little extra care in communicating, knowing that brains can be total negativity trolls, by encouraging while also requesting change. Hence the term burrito because the formula is: positive comment, positive comment, place we need to do a little work, positive comment.

Example:

I loved it when you did _____

And ______ was smokin' hot

One thing I think would work better if we did it differently is __________ . I think it would be even better if we _____ instead of ______ next time.

And all in all, I really enjoyed ________.

So, all in all, we are putting the request for something different rolled up with lots of praise.


Input:
 Write an informative section on how to perform cunnilingus, including tips and tricks for using the tongue effectively. Begin by acknowledging that this is the part of the guide that many readers are most interested in.

Provide a brief anatomy lesson, focusing on the external parts of the pelvic area of someone born with a vulva. Make sure to mention that there is not a huge difference between the genitals of people born with a penis and those born with a vagina, and that there are internal parts that may be fun to explore as well. Emphasize that the pelvic area of someone born with a vulva is just as complicated and wild to contemplate as that of all other varieties of humans.

Response:
How to Give Cunnilingus

Ok, this is the part you showed up for, right?9 Tips and tricks for tongue stuff. Sometimes it feels a little silly to write introductory paragraphs for the blatantly obvious, so let's just stoodis. Firsties, though? Anatomy lesson.

Anatomy of a Pelvic Area of Someone Born with a Vulva

The pelvic area of the garden variety/no visible indicators of an intersex condition) human is just as complicated and wild to contemplate as that of all the other varieties of humans. We don't think of it that way because more of it seems visible but there is still plenty going on on the inside. For now we are going to mostly focus on the external parts, but as we complete these levels we will move into some internals that may be fun for all involved parties. First of all, there is not that big of a difference between the genitals of people born with a penis and those born with a vagina, check it:


Input: Write a section detailing the specific parts of the vulva, providing a breakdown of each component.

Response: Ok, now the specific break down of the different parts of the vulva:


Input: Provide a corrective statement clarifying that the vagina is a part of the vulva and offer a description or diagram of what a vagina looks like.

Response: And the vagina is actually part of the vulva (not the other way around) and looks like this:


Input: Write a paragraph about the diversity of labia, emphasizing that there is no standard for what they should look like and mentioning various shapes and sizes they can come in. Then, introduce the topic of the clitoris in a positive and engaging manner.

Response:
We have a very specific idea of how labia should look, but there is no normal standard on any human lips—the ones on our face or the ones on our labia. Some labia are curved, some are asymmetrical, some have inner lips that hang lower than the labia, among other variations. Tl;dr there is no "normal" other than your normal.

Now, the clitoris? Is pretty damn magical:


Input: Write a detailed paragraph about the history of understanding the anatomy and function of the clitoris, including the lack of research funding due to its sole function being pleasure. Discuss the work of Helen O'Connell and her use of MRIs to study the internal structure of the clitoris. Also, mention the work of Odile Buisson and Pierre Foldès and their creation of the first sonographic map of the erect clitoris. Include information about the size, nerve endings, and swelling of the clitoris, as well as its internal and external parts. Additionally, provide a brief overview of the techniques for performing cunnilingus, including finding the clitoris, using lips and tongue for stimulation, and paying attention to your partner's cues.

Response:
In the neverending theme of not being that invested in the health of people with vulvas, we did not have a clear understanding of how intricate and cool and big the clitoris actually is. Funding research requires pitching that there is some level of problem to be solved. And since the sole function of the clitoris is pleasure . . . and its not the pleasure of cis men…no research funding sources gave one flying fuck.

Way after we knew about the internal structure of penes, we started using MRIs to study the internal structure of the clitoris. In 1998, a urologist named Helen O'Connell from the Royal Melbourne Hospital published her findings on the structure of the nerve supply to the clitoris using this technology, and after continuing her research, published another study in 2005 demonstrating that the clitoris actually extends beyond the vaginal wall.

During this same time period, two doctors named Odile Buisson and Pierre Foldès were working to improve techniques to treat victims of vulva mutilation (generally referred to as female genital mutilation). Once again, no funding was allocated, but they spent their own funds and three years in order to complete the first sonographic map of the erect clitoris (even though the MRI technology to do so has existed for many years). This map was published in 2009.

So first off, I nominate these three doctors to have their faces placed on the modern sainthood candles. Second of all, we learned so much more about the clitoris in the past few years than in all the decades before, combined.

Though I'm not particularly bothered if anyone wants to bring back calling it the devil's teat.

Clitorides range in length from 7 to 12 centimeters, most of which is internal not external. They have more than 8000 nerve endings (twice that of penes) and they swell when engorged, from 50% up to 300%. The swelling increases through excitement to climax. They are made of a mixture of erectile tissue, nerves, and muscles, creating more than 18 distinct parts.

The outside part we most think ourselves fond of is the glans. The word glans derives from the Latin word for acorn, which I appreciate. Not to be confused with glands which are bodily organs that produce substances, glans as in a highly innervated body of tissue. They exist on the human body as the head of a penis or head of a clitoris. The whole rest of the clitoris is the innie parts.

There are two corpora cavernosa (corpus cavernosum for both of them together) which wrap around the vagina from either side like squid tentacles. Then they branch off again forming the two crura (crus for both of them together). The crus extends out like two more tentacles, that point down toward the thighs when not erect, and stretch back to the spine when all hot and bothered. These tentacles extend out and attach to the cartilaginous joint known as the symphysis that is part of the pelvic girdle. This particular joint is in front of and below the bladder.

Got all that? Ready for the anatomy quiz? Wait, there's more! Near each crura are the clitoral vestibules, which are on either side of the vaginal opening and under the labia majora. Because all parts of the clitoris get engorged, this is why the vaginal opening feels sensitive and tighter. It's not the cave itself but the cave opening.

Ok, just one more fun fact then I'll move on, I swear. Every part of the human body ages, right? Everything gets saggier, hairier, and spottier except clitorides. It is the only part of the human body that ages not a bit. You can hand over any other part of the body and scientists could age that part. But your clitoris at 97 looks no different than your clitoris at 17. Magical little squid.

Getting Started

So we are gonna start slowly rather than just bury our face in someone's crotch, right? Now of course you aren't going to scream "pull off your pants, it's time for me to go clam diving!" I mean, unless that's y'all's thing. While you're fooling around, you can press your thigh and rub between your partners legs which provides more friction than just using a couple of fingers. Then as you head down south you can get more specific with your fingers and lips, pressing through the fabric of their clothes to tease the clitoral glans.

Once clothing is removed, you can do the discreet check for sores/cuts/scabs and any off-smelling discharge that may signal some kind of bacterial or fungal infection, plus pull out any STI barrier methods y'all's are using (sex dam, gloves, etc).

In order to isolate the clitoris, part the labia. A turned-on clitoris will be the only part that isn't soft when your fingers explore the area. If it seems particularly shy, you can press gently (in and up) on your partner's mons (the fatty tissue area that lies over the vulva and the top of the pelvic structure).

Once you find it, you can use your lips to gently draw it out even more, and your tongue to push back the clitoral hood and get more direct access (unless that's too much stimulation…if they start scootching away from you abort mission). Then run your tongue over the entirety of the glans to get your partner going. If they like extra sensation, you can use your lips to create some light suction.

Generally speaking, we best orgasm through stimulation that is rhythmic and consistent. You don't need to get fancy and draw out the alphabet with your tongue or any of that crap. Pay attention to your partner's cues. Let them adjust in order to increase their comfort, your access, and their sensory experience rather than adjust with them.

If they start grinding toward your mouth, let them control the movement and speed by leaving your tongue flat (or curled if you are able to do that) under their clitoris while they ride against it. But if they go completely still, that's also a good sign to keep doing exactly what you are doing exactly how you are doing it until they orgasm.

Make noises of enjoyment, especially if your partner is strongly auditory. Slurping noises and hums of satisfaction will be a turn on to them (and the humming can produce some vibratory sensations that they also enjoy. Remember as you speed up that you want to create and maintain a solid rhythm for your partner. You don't want to go so fast as vinyl on an RPM setting that makes everything sound like Alvin and The Chipmunks, right?

Breathing feeling difficult? Slow back down (and obviously stop ANYTHING you are uncomfortable with), try the breathing techniques suggested in the next section, try pulling back a little and letting only the tip of your tongue and/or your fingers do most of the work. Some people find that the gag reflex sprays (that add a little numbing to your mouth and throat) can also be helpful.

But what if they start pushing down on your head? First off, rude. Definitely an after-action report issue to discuss. But in the moment if you don't want to disrupt proceedings, lightly grab their hand or wrist, remove it off your head and set it back down on the bed or their lap and say "I got this, just relax and let me do the work" and keep going.

Breathe For Head

Generally speaking your face lips are going to be horizontal while their vulva lips are going to be vertical, so if you breathe through your mouth you should be fine. If you are struggling with tongue action and mouth breathing at the same time and need to use your nose, you can shift your body perpendicular to theirs, which also allows you to place a pillow under your head for support.

For those of you who thought that playing woodwind at band camp would never make you sexy? My two words for you are circular breathing. Now y'all already have it down, but it is an easy skill for the rest of us to learn as it's just a breathing technique that allows you to switch back and forth between breathing through your lungs and cheeks. You can find a lot of instructions and demo videos online and you can practice the technique using a straw and a glass of water until you get it down.

Temperature and Sensory play

The possibilities are nigh endless here, aren't they? This is where you can get super creative fairly inexpensively. For temperature play you can incorporate ice, something cold and bubbly (La Croix or whatever floats your boat since it's going in your mouth), or something warm and soothing (hot tea is great...mint tea will add a little bit of a tingle). You can alternate between hot and cold as well. Unlike with penes, you want to avoid using anything that has sugar content (like pop rocks, champagne, sugar soda, etc).10 Sugar down there is a gnarly infection waiting to happen.

You can also use touch based sensory items over their body, like silk scarves, while you work the glans with your tongue.

Sex Toys! Erm, I mean Tools. Sex Tools!

A lot of people have a sense of unease about incorporating sex aids into their partnered or unpartnered sexual activity. Societal messages (religious or otherwise) often attach a sense of shame to the use of sexual aids, even if sexual intimacy itself is not judged. But there are many reasons that using sexual aids may be exactly the right thing for you and/or your relationship.

Sexual aids can:

• Be a lifesaver if you're experiencing physical limitations to your sexual expression. For example, individuals who struggle to maintain an erection might find that a hollow core strap allows them to have penetrative intercourse with their partner. Or people with limited mobility can use remote control operated vibrators to masturbate to orgasm, which is incredibly empowering if you have had to rely on others for that experience in the past.

• Be used in a partnership to facilitate increased intimacy and overcome performance limitations with either partner.

• Provide an experience within partnerships that is otherwise out of the comfort zone of one of the partners (such as anal stimulation or BDSM activities).

• Allow people to be authentically who they are. A traditional strap-on can allow someone to participate in penetrative intercourse if they don't have a penis, for instance. Other companies have started producing FTM specific stroker toys, designed specifically to allow transmen the stroking sensation that other men enjoy, while taking into account that they have larger genitalia due to gender confirmation hormone treatment.

• Provide extra stimulation. Some people just need more stimulation to orgasm and aids can provide that without exhausting either partner or having them develop anxiety about trying to please their partners.

• Facilitate intimacy in long distance relationships. There are devices designed to provide pleasure to a partner from afar, such as Bluetooth-controlled vibrators…the best thing for long distance relationships since Skype sex!

• And sexual aids are just fun! I've had many people tell me that they were not in need of any assistance, but when they tried something new (such as a lubricant), they say, "Wow, okay, so much better!"

Probably the biggest question folks have is "will I break my junk?" Meaning, if they use something that provides a LOT of stimulation will it ruin me for what a partner does. Short answer? No. While some people do better with extra stimulation (and you may therefore use things with a partner), you won't stop feeling your partner's touch. If anything, think of it as taking a walk or taking a train. Both have benefits. You can slow down and enjoy the scenery and your own motion getting you somewhere, or you can be less scenic about your journey in order to save time. You get there either way.

We've already talked about using a fizzy drinks, tea and other such shenanigans. Guess what? Those are also sex tools. They're enhancements you show up to the party with, just like it's a bottle of Cinco and a quart of juice. Except this is edible lube for extra slurpies or whatever.

Sex tools are getting more non-gender specific as society remembers that humans have never ascribed to an immutable binary. Tools like the PicoBong Transformer, which is a sister brand of Lelo, can be used as a massager, a rabbit, an erection ring, a double ended vibrator or a double ended dildo. Like a utility tool for all your household needs.

So consider this big permission to experiment with anything that may help you have more satisfying adventures.

The G Spot

We discussed in detail some of the historical fuckery around sexual pleasure in general and oral sex specifically. Freud wasn't opposed so much to those things in general, but was still quite certain that if a woman was psychologically mature, she could have vaginal orgasms. If a woman continued to focus on clitoral pleasure she would develop a mental health disorder soon after. Then not long later, in 1950, the G spot was discovered, though that wasn't what it was called until German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg11 referred to "an erotic zone always could be demonstrated on the anterior wall of the vagina along the course of the urethra" when studying the role of urethra stimulation in the orgasms of someone with a vulva.

He piggybacked on what Dutch physician Regnier de Graaf noted in the 17th century regarding female ejaculation in what he called an erogenous zone in the vagina that he thought operated similarly to the male prostate. The name Gräfenberg spot, or G spot, actually came from a team of researchers led by Frank Addiego who were also studying female ejaculation and gave old Ernst the credit for the find.

What area are they referring to? An area up in the front part of the vaginal wall about 2-3 inches (5-8 cm) inward. Stimulating that area with a penis, fingers, or toy can lead to strong orgasms and female ejaculation.

But! As we now know! Only since 2009 but still! The vaginal cavity isn't actually that sensitive in and of itself, and now that we have properly mapped an aroused clitoris the area being stimulated is actually the internal part of the clitoris. The root of the corpus cavernosum specifically.

It's still a clitorial orgasm, so suck it Freud.

Also, it's important to say that if that stimulation doesn't do anything for you, you aren't doing anything wrong. Since the G spot is actually a mythical beast in and of itself, stimulation of the corpus cavernosum may not connect in your body to some mythical vaginal wall place. It may be elsewhere on the top of your vaginal wall or not at all. So if you are hitting this area on a partner and it isn't doing anything for them? You aren't doing things wrong, everyone has natural body variations, just go back to focusing on their glans.