Input:
Write a chapter about taking baby steps to explore threesomes. This should include:

1. Exploring nonsexual nudity: Discuss the different cultural attitudes towards nudity and how some countries are more open to casual nudity than others. Suggest visiting nude beaches or spas as a way to become more comfortable with seeing other people naked in a nonsexual context.

2. Exploring sexual environments: Recommend visiting strip clubs as a way to explore a sexual environment. Provide tips on how to choose a club, how to behave, and what to expect. Emphasize the importance of researching the clubs in your area and being aware of local laws and customs.

3. Voyeurism and exploration: Encourage readers to attend sex parties or play parties to watch others engage in sexual activities. Remind them to read the rules of the party or club before attending and to be aware of the etiquette for watching others.

4. Virtual threesomes: Suggest trying phone sex or cam sites as a way to explore threesomes without the pressure of having another person in the room. Provide tips on how to negotiate boundaries and how to find reputable sites.

Throughout the chapter, emphasize the importance of taking things slow, communicating with any partners, and being respectful of others. Encourage readers to reflect on their feelings and experiences after each step.

Response:
CHAPTER

5

BABY STEPS TO EXPLORE THREESOMES

Exploration

It's hard to predict how you'll feel having your first threesome, even if it's something you've fantasized about. There are a lot of emotional aspects to consider, along with the logistics, especially if you're part of an established couple.

If you're not sure how you'll feel seeing your partner turned on by another person, there are some ways you can slowly explore before inviting another person into your bedroom.

Work through the suggestions in this section, and then back up and try the exercises at the end of the previous chapter to check in with yourself again. Does anything change?

Nonsexual Nudity

Backing up a big step—it's worth considering how our culture handles bodies, even when it's not about sex. In some countries, nude beaches, spas, and baths are the norm. And people grow up seeing a variety bodies hanging out nude. If you grew up in the US, and weren't part of one of those cultures, casual nudity probably wasn't your experience.

Before getting ready to see other people naked in a sexy context, it can help to build a general comfort around bodies. Depending where you live, you may have access to nude beaches, or nude spa or soak venues. These spaces are entirely nonsexual— and that's the point—making them a great start.

For those of us who grew up without access to nonsexual nudity, it can be valuable to experience a range of bodies beyond what we usually see in the media. It can also be a careful first step to simply see how you, or you and a partner, feel around other naked bodies.

At the very beginning of my first year in college, I was invited to a spa in Santa Cruz. It was described to me as a beautiful outdoor space with multiple soaking tubs, both cold and hot, as well as a sauna. This sounded like a dream, and I agreed right away. It was only hours later that it was brought to my attention that this was a nude space. Co-ed naked hot tubbing. As an 18-year-old from Los Angeles, I was not prepared.

I told myself that college meant new experiences, and so I should give it a try. I then spent the rest of the time I had to get ready standing in front of my dorm room mirror, trying to decide which hairstyle went best with naked.

Joking aside, this was a big deal for me. Like most teenagers, I was far from comfortable with my body. And while I'd had one sex partner, and had seen people dressing and undressing backstage of theater productions, I'd never simply seen people hanging around naked.

Luckily we were there after dark, and were largely under the water. But even so, it was an eye-opening experience. I got to see more than twenty people—of all genders and body types— simply enjoying themselves and their bodies, in an entirely nonsexual context.

That spa, and the other one like it in town, became regular features of my college experience, and helped form how I view bodies today.

* * *

If you decide to give this a try, keep proper etiquette in mind. If you're going to a spa or soaking venue, read everything on the website before you go. There are likely specific rules to follow; everything from bringing your own towel or shower sandals, to rules against wearing sunglasses. I ran into the sunglasses rule at a Portland spa—apparently it creeps people out because they can't tell if they're being looked at. That never would have occurred to me, but it's a good point!

If you're going somewhere like a nude beach, there likely won't be a website with specific guidelines or rules. So follow your best common sense. Remember that these spaces are nonsexual and there may be children present. That means no engaging in sexual activity and no lewd behavior. Don't stare and don't hit on people.

Instead, bask in the rare joy of sun and sand on your skin. Think about how many sensual experiences we can have that aren't about sex, and yes—enjoy the presence of other people without a sexual context.

Both while you're in the space and after, check in with yourself about how you're feeling. Are issues of shame or fear or comparison coming up for you? If so, you may want to do some work around that before diving deeper.

Doing self work can be an uncomfortable process, but the results are well worth it. One of the easiest ways to begin this process is by journaling. The process of writing out your thoughts and feelings can help you discover more about what's going on, as well as possibly some of the root causes of the emotions.

If you find yourself having overwhelming reactions, that could be a sign that working with a therapist or coach could be helpful. Delving into sexual exploration can unearth emotional landmines, and professional help can be a valuable resource.

Strip Clubs

When you're ready to explore a sexual environment, consider giving strip clubs a try. If you've never been to a strip club before, the idea can be intimidating, but with a little research you can go in feeling prepared.

There are a wide range of strip clubs available depending on where you live. Large cities have more options than smaller ones, and laws vary state by state. For example, some states allow full nudity in places with alcohol (like Oregon, where I live) and some don't (like Washington and California). There are other state laws that influence what the shows are like and how close dancers can get to visitors, so keep this section in mind for general advice, but check out the websites and reviews of clubs near you for more specific information.

While strip clubs featuring female dancers are more common, there are plenty of clubs with male dancers, as well as clubs that feature trans or queer strip nights—especially in larger cities. So be sure to do a little research before deciding whether clubs are for you—there may be a lot more options than you've realized.

A strip club adventure is not necessarily cheap. Some clubs have a door fee, and you'll need cash on hand for tipping. A general guideline is to tip at least a dollar per song when you're watching someone dance, but of course more is appreciated. If you're going to get a private dance, that's another expense. Generally private dances/lap dances start at around twenty dollars per song, but this varies by region and club. Some clubs also offer VIP rooms or champagne rooms, and the prices of those spaces will vary.

Remember that like any adventure we discuss in this book, it's always okay to change your mind and leave. Maybe you're only in the club for a few minutes before you decide it's not for you—that's okay. It's still a valuable learning experience.

The vibe from strip club to strip club is variable, so just because you don't like one club doesn't mean all strip clubs aren't your jam. Again, see what you can figure out from online reviews before you go, so you have the best chance of finding one that's to your taste.

Why go to a strip club? Unlike at nude beaches, at a strip club it's okay to stare. (Make sure you're tipping anyone you're watching!) It's also okay to be aroused. So, while seeing nonsexual nudity can give you a lot of valuable information about yourself, there's a whole new set of information you can learn here.

When you're settling in to a club, choose your position and your view. Most strip clubs will have a _rack,_ or bar, around the stage where you can sit for a closer look, while also having tables around the room and perhaps a standard bar to sit at as well. Depending on the club, the dancers may be the main feature, or may be a sideline to a bar or even something like video poker.

If you're entering a club for the first time, hang back for a bit to get your bearings. Maybe sit at a table where you can watch the whole room and get a sense of the place and how other patrons are behaving. The vibe in a club can be anything from super sleepy, with one or two regulars hanging around, to incredibly rowdy, with a bachelor party or two raging along.

If you're feeling okay after you've settled in, try for a seat close to the stage. Some dancers will interact with customers a bit, and this can be a great way to test out sharing that kind of attention.

If you came with a partner, how does it feel to watch your partner watching someone else? Is it sexy to see them interested in or excited by another person? Be honest with yourself and acknowledge any reactions that come up.

While many strip clubs have bars, stay sober enough to stay in touch with your feelings.

If watching stage dances feels sexy and fun, try a private dance together. That way you'll get to see your partner up close and personal with another person, which gives you another chance to test how you'll feel in a threesome.

Depending on the club, a private dance could happen behind a closed door, behind a curtain, or simply in an out of the way corner. But the rules are the same—don't touch the dancers! The easiest way to remember this can be to sit on your hands.

In some cases, a dancer may invite some touching—but wait to be asked, and don't make any assumptions. It's a great idea to talk all of this through with your partner before going to a club so you don't have to make any snap decisions in the moment. Are private dances even on the table if you're both feeling good at the club? If so, is touching an option if you're invited?

Even if you're not touching the dancers (and you probably aren't) they'll be touching you. While the amount of touch varies, it's called a lap dance for a reason, and the dancer will be up close and personal.

Does it feel hot to see someone else touching your partner? To see them turned on? If this is a brand new experience for the two of you, you're likely to feel a little overwhelmed with new reactions and new information. Give yourself a couple days to process and see what comes up.

What about talking about the experience afterwards? Do you enjoy sharing tales from your strip club date night? Is it hot to talk about which dancers you each liked the most? Or to fantasize about what happened, or what could have happened?

Sometimes an adventure like this can really kick-start conversations and dirty talk because you'll have some basis for understanding what interacting with a third person really feels like.

And yes, those dancers are people too! While strip clubs are an easier test run because of the defined boundaries, dancers need to be treated with respect. You're going to their place of work, and their time is valuable. Make sure you're tipping for any and all interactions, even when you're simply watching from the sidelines.

And if you do have tricky feelings come up in the moment, take the conversation outside, or at least away from the stage. Don't let the dancers get caught in any relationship conversation crossfire.

What about if you're flying solo? You can still try this route for exploration! Even on your own, a strip club can be a great way to see how you feel in a shared, sexually charged environment. And at many clubs you can get a private dance from two dancers at once, which is a great option for seeing how you feel about having three people in a room.

Do you enjoy watching two people up close, or do you find that you want the attention on yourself? Is watching people touch each other (or even kiss each other) right in front of you a fantasy come true, or does it feel awkward? How you respond to a situation like this certainly isn't a perfect indicator for how a threesome would feel, but it can give you some important clues to your reactions to help you know which directions to aim your future exploration.

Sex Parties

If sex clubs or play parties are available in your city (they probably are!), they can be another great way to explore and figure out your comfort zone. We'll talk about going to sex parties to meet threesome partners later on, but for now, let's discuss parties for the voyeuristic and exploratory aspect.

Before going out, be sure to read all the rules of the party or club you plan to attend. Every space has its own culture, and the more you know before heading out, the more comfortable you'll be. As you're checking out websites or event listings, keep an eye out for the following:

A tour of the space—many venue websites will have virtual tours or at least interior photos of the club so you can get a sense of what you'll be walking in to. Some clubs have many different spaces and private rooms, and some are one big open space— loft style. Each physical layout will lead to a different vibe and different party environment, so think about what will be the best fit for you.

Many clubs also have bars and dance floors. Even if you're not a drinker or a dancer, this means that there will be space set aside for socializing, which can be helpful for easing into the space.

Regardless of the layout, there will almost always be some buffer between where you walk in and where play actually happens.

Dress code—some spaces try hard to maintain an upscale environment and may not allow guests to wear jeans, shorts, sneakers, or other casual garb. In general, you don't need to look over the top sexy. Something you'd wear on a first date or to the theater usually works well. Slacks and a button up shirt or a little black dress, for example.

Lockers and showers—if you're going to bring items you don't want to carry around with you, from purses to sex toys, it's helpful to know if there's a locker room. Many clubs offer this option, but you may need to bring your own lock. Also, when there are showers available there are usually towels, too, but keep an eye out for details on the website.

Some clubs even have hot tubs or saunas. If you think that's something you might enjoy, but aren't ready for nudity, bring along a swimsuit.

Safer sex supplies—what supplies does the club provide? It can give you a sense of the space to know what they consider essential, even if you're not planning to play on this visit. And it's always a good idea to keep your favorite supplies on hand anyway.

Membership and pricing—many sex clubs are membership based. This is often to comply with local or regional laws around public sex. Check the website to see if membership is required, and also what the door fees are. There are likely to be some nights of the week that are less expensive or that are geared towards newcomers. There may also be a newcomer night where membership is waived, or a trial membership option.

So what about when you've read all the rules, gotten dressed up, and gone to the club? For the purposes of exploration, this sex club field trip is just about watching. Again, double-check the party rules, but at most spaces it's perfectly acceptable to simply watch. After all, voyeurism is participation.

You'll probably check in at some kind of front desk before you enter the space. You may be able to ask for a tour or ask any last questions you may still have.

Going to a sex party can work in a similar way to a strip club—but in addition to seeing other people in various states of undress, you may even see people having sex. How is that going to work? It depends on the space.

Many clubs will have some open areas where play is taking place. This can be anything from nude dancing, to making out, to explicit sex acts. Follow the cues of those around you for etiquette. Like in a strip club, this is a "look but don't touch" scenario. Allow some personal space between you and whomever you're watching, and refrain from any commentary—as tricky as that might be!

While you're doing all of this, be sure to keep checking in with yourself. It's okay to change your mind and head out at any time. How does it feel to be in a sexually charged environment? If you're with someone, how does it feel to share that space with a partner?

If everything is feeling good so far, this may also be an opportunity to try flirting with someone in this kind of an environment. Or, if you're with a partner, to watch your partner flirt with another person. Or maybe this is something you want to save for a second visit, once you're more comfortable with the space.

When you decide to give flirting a try, maybe one or both of you approach a single person or a couple and just start chatting. Or maybe you give each other a little space and watch from across the room to see what it feels like to view the interaction from a distance. There don't have to be any specific goals here. Just explore the interactions.

After your sex club adventure, take a few days to process your feelings. It can be helpful to journal, if that format works for you. If you went with a partner, give yourself a chance to compose your thoughts, and then talk together about the experience.

What emotions came up? What was the most exciting part? Did you get ideas for things you'd like to try? These conversations can be just as valuable, if not more so, than the club adventure itself.

Virtual Threesomes

You can also try a test run with a third party by exploring phone sex (it still exists!) or cam sites. For some folks, it can feel safer when the other person isn't in the same room, but you still have a chance to explore multiperson dynamics.

Like all the other exploration options discussed, be sure to negotiate your boundaries before you bring other people into the mix. If certain topics are off limits, make sure you explain that to whomever you'll be talking to.

If you'd like to try phone sex with a partner, simply use the speakerphone option. This can give you a chance to try a sexy scenario with another person, while at the same time maintaining a lot of distance, which may feel safer.

If you're more interested in a visual component, check out the numerous cam sites available. You can start by simply watching a public show with your partner—similar to watching at a strip club—and if you want to take it to the next level, you can pay for a private show.

In private, you'll be able to talk directly and make requests. Some sites even have an option for the cameras to work both ways, if you'd like the performer to watch you, too. This is a great option for finding out if you enjoy having an audience or showing off with your partner. Do you want to hear how sexy you look together? Do you want to see what flirting and sexy interactions look like, but with the safety of some extra distance? Cam sites might be a great option.

Cam sites each have their own pay structure. On some you can watch public shows (after creating a profile) without paying any money. On some you may be required to tip, or you may only be required to tip to join in on conversation. Regardless of the requirements, if you're watching the show, it's good form to tip.

If you'd like to move to the private show option, you'll have to pay for it. Again, each site will have their own way of handling it, but many of them have you pay by the minute. So not only is negotiating in advance a good idea for your relationship, it's a good idea to know what your requests are of the performer before you switch to a private room.

Just like with the strip club option, remember that phone sex operators and cam performers are people too—just because you're paying for time doesn't mean there are different standards for politeness and respect. Be kind to whoever you talk to, and grateful for the service they provide.

* * *

It's also possible to have a phone or virtual threesome with someone you know. I once got to be a phone-in unicorn. A messenger chat window popped up on my screen that read, "I'm about to get a blow job, do you want to listen?"

The message was from a casual acquaintance and one time play-partner. They show up in my messages every so often, either asking for or offering a dirty picture—but this was something new.

In the spirit of adventure, and because I was free that moment, I replied in the affirmative and moments later my phone was ringing.

I'd been working from home and was still sitting at my desk. Both my friend and his partner greeted me and then they got down to business. Most of the sounds were difficult to place and required some help from my imagination to build a scene. While the two were mostly silent, aside from some moaning and heavy breathing, they engaged in a little bit of dirty talk—and that dirty talk included me. My friend would ask, "Do you like having Stella hear what a good slut you are?" And a mumbled reply would follow.

The whole call lasted less than ten minutes, with them both thanking me at the end. And while it wasn't an overwhelming turn-on, I did get a voyeuristic thrill out of getting to listen in, and it was certainly a nice break from my workday.


Input:
Write a chapter about exploring threesomes without involving other people. This should include:

1. Threesomes as fantasy: Discuss the importance of fantasies and how they can be a safe way to explore threesomes without involving other people. Encourage readers to let their minds wander and to consider writing down their fantasies to help them come to life.

2. Dirty talk: Explain how dirty talk can be a way to explore threesome fantasies with a partner. Emphasize the importance of negotiating boundaries and setting ground rules before engaging in dirty talk. Provide examples of how to negotiate the parameters of the fantasy, such as who is fair game, what activities will take place, and how to use theater improv rules to build the fantasy together.

3. Erotica and porn: Suggest reading erotica or watching porn as a way to fuel threesome fantasies. Recommend anthologies for erotica, as they offer a variety of stories from different authors. Provide tips on how to use erotica and porn to figure out likes and dislikes, and to get ideas for future fantasies or negotiations.

4. Sex toys: Discuss how sex toys can be used to simulate a threesome without involving another person. Provide examples of advanced options, such as fucking machines and sex dolls, as well as more basic options, such as realistic dildos, Fleshlights, and masturbation sleeves. Emphasize the importance of using toys to explore high-stimulation scenarios and to add variety to sexual experiences.

Response:
CHAPTER

6

EXPLORING WITHOUT OTHER PEOPLE

Threesomes as Fantasy

Maybe after reading all the considerations about threesomes with real people, you've decided this is something that should stay in fantasyland—that's okay!

Having an active fantasy life, whether alone or shared with a partner, is a great way to bring new elements into sex. Fantasies can be incredibly vivid and satisfying. Fantasies don't let you down—they can go exactly the way you want them to.

When was the last time you really got lost in a daydream? For many of us, this pastime ends when we aren't spending hours a day in a classroom. But letting your mind wander is a valuable skill. The brain needs time to process. This is part of why you always hear about people getting great ideas while taking a shower—that's often one of the only times we pause to focus on just one thing, without access to any screens or distractions.

Having a rich fantasy life is valuable for everyone, whether you're partnered or not. Thinking up different scenarios is one of the best ways to figure out what you might like to try in real life, or to simply learn more about your own turn-ons.

If you're inclined towards writing, you can even get your fantasies down on paper or on screen. The process of writing helps ideas flow in a different way, and you might find characters and situations coming to life that you hadn't considered before, or hadn't taken time to develop.

If you need a little fantasy fodder, turn to the internet for still images of threesomes. It doesn't matter if you're attracted to the people, or if the positions look comfortable. Just find one element in each picture that can inspire a fantasy of your own.

Maybe one includes a shower, and you enjoy a long, lazy fantasy about bodies sliding together covered in soap. Maybe there's a hot tub, and you imagine the warmth and the bubbles as you all relax and get comfortable with the idea of kissing. Whatever catches your eye, try to run with it and see where the ideas take you.

Dirty Talk

One of the easiest ways to try out a fantasy is by exploring through dirty talk. While having sex with a partner, you can talk about what you'd do if a third person were there.

Keep in mind that dirty talk can push emotional buttons too, and it's important to negotiate first—just as you would a situation with additional people.

You can negotiate dirty talk with a partner just like you'd negotiate actual play. (For a more in-depth discussion of negotiation best practices, see Chapter 14.) In fact, it's an important step. Just because something is being talked about rather than acted out, doesn't mean there aren't still boundaries to be aware of. So if you're going to indulge in threesome fantasy dirty talk with a partner, set some ground rules.

First of all, make it clear that just because you're dirty talking about a threesome doesn't mean you want to have one in real life. The talk isn't a slippery slope into a negotiation. Having this agreement is essential to being able to lose yourself to the fantasy without worrying that your partner may think you want to do these things for real. Many people use fantasy talk as a way to introduce negotiation for new adventures, so make it crystal clear that's not what's happening here.

Next, negotiate the parameters of the fantasy the same way you'd negotiate the real thing:

▶ Who is fair game for the fantasy? Are you talking about a fantasy third that's someone one or both of you know, or are you making up a stranger?

▶ If you're making up a stranger, what gender are they? What characteristics do they have? This is where you make sure nothing about the fantasy person pushes buttons of real-life insecurities.

▶ What activities will take place? Even when it's all talk, people still have boundaries, and not all activities might feel fun to talk about.

Dirty talk can be daunting for some, especially if coming up with sexy ideas doesn't feel natural. It's okay for one person to drive the story and for the other to simply agree to statements and ask questions. You can use theater improv rules and have your own dirty talk version of "Yes, and . . ."

Not familiar with that game? Here's how it works: one person makes a statement and the other person agrees and adds something. So one person could say, "It would be so hot to watch someone ride your face right now," and the other person could respond, "Yes, and I'd love to feel you hold their hips as they move against me."

The person who is more comfortable with dirty talk or has more ideas for the fantasy can drive the story, while the other agrees and adds details.

* * *

When it comes to talking through a fantasy, the planning phase is often just as much fun as the sex acts. This is true across fantasies, not just for threesomes. In the case of playing with a third, talk about how you'll find the person. Did you see their profile online? What about them attracted you? Something about their appearance? Something they said?

How does the flirting go once you start messaging? Do they compliment you and your partner—talk about how cute you look together? Remember this is all fantasy, so why not use this opportunity to reinforce good feelings about your relationship.

What happens when you meet up? What's the first thing you think when you see the other person? How do they greet you? Maybe they hug each of you in turn, and you're immediately turned on by the way they smell, or the brush of their hair against the side of your face. Maybe their hand lingers on your arm while they lean in to hug your partner, making sure you still feel included.

Once you all sit down for drinks, how does the conversation go? Is there more playful flirting? Maybe your fingers even brush against each other, or you're sitting close enough to feel the press of their knee against yours.

Do you start talking about what might happen if you go home together? The possibilities of what the three of you could do? What have they been fantasizing about doing in bed with a couple? What positions have they been dreaming of?

As you can see, the planning phase of a threesome has so much potential for dirty talk you might not even get as far as talking about sex before you've worked yourselves up so much you've stopped talking.

Real life can work that way too. While a threesome might be your goal, don't forget that the whole process can be fun, sexy, and an opportunity for deepening connection.

Erotica and Porn

If you need more fantasy fodder, try picking up some erotica anthologies that focus on threesomes. You can use the stories to fuel your own fantasies or simply read the stories to yourself or out loud to a partner.

Anthologies are a great place to start because, with a collection of authors, it's more likely that some of the stories will be to your taste. With an anthology, if something isn't doing it for you, you can just skip ahead a few pages to the next story.

When reading, simply losing yourself in the story is a wonderful option. If you want to do a bit of homework, too, you can also use the stories to help figure out your likes and dislikes.

In each story, what are the elements that really speak to you or turn you on? What parts simply aren't to your taste? Figuring those things out can help you build your own likes and dislikes list that you can use for future negotiations, for your own future fantasies, or for choosing future reading material.

You can also do this as an exercise with a partner to start getting ideas flowing. Each of you can read the same story and make notes about likes and dislikes, and then come together and share your thoughts. If you're using this as a way to plan for a real life threesome, don't just consider the sex the characters are having, pay attention to the logistical and emotional aspects too. How did the characters meet? Did they know each other already or meet for the threesome? How are they interacting when they're together?

All of these things can give you clues about what you might enjoy for yourself, and what aspects are making you nervous. For any aspects that are making you nervous, you might want to talk through them with your partner before diving in and having an experience.

* * *

If visual smut is your thing, there's no shortage of threesome porn available. Keep in mind that finding porn you like can be a little trickier than finding erotica, because there are more elements that have to be to your taste. When you're reading, you can fill in a lot of the details yourself. With visual porn, everything has to be just right. You need to like all of the performers, the setting they're in, and the dialogue if there is any.

But tricky doesn't mean impossible, so don't get discouraged. You can also use porn to get ideas even if it's not an absolute turnon. What positions are people in? What acts are they engaged in? You can take notes about your likes and dislikes here, too.

The porn you're watching doesn't even need to feature threesomes. You can watch coupled or solo sex and insert yourself, or you and a partner, into the fantasy. What would you do if you were there with them? How would you add yourself to the activities? You can brainstorm ways to include an extra person into coupled sex, without anyone feeling left out.

Just remember that porn is fantasy fodder, not sex ed. The performers are professionals with specialized skills, so don't expect your body or your partners' bodies to be able to do everything you see in porn. They get time off camera to warm up and lube up, and take breaks as needed.

Sex Toys

Believe it or not, the wide variety of sex toys now available means you can do a pretty good job of simulating a threesome fantasy without another person in the room.

If you have a hard time with suspension of disbelief, and you're worried about the realism of the toys, consider adding a blindfold to the mix. A blindfold can spice up any kind of sex because it makes you focus on your other senses. And when you're engaging in some kind of role-play—like a simulated threesome—it can make the dirty talk and sensations even more believable.

There are a lot of ways you could do this, but we'll go over a few options to get you started.

First up, the advanced option: a fucking machine. Multiple companies make these kinds of toys, so you'll have to do some research to see which one is right for you. They're also on the high end of the price spectrum. If you've seen fucking machines in porn, you might be assuming they're only for providing penetration, but some options also come with Fleshlight-like attachments for providing something to penetrate as well. Combined with a blindfold, some dirty talk, and stimulation from both a partner and the machine, this experience can be surprisingly realistic.

For another option, consider sex dolls. And while the full head-to-toe dolls might be the first thing that comes to mind, there are also toys that are only part of a body, such as just a torso, or just a pelvis, etc. While at first that could sound off-putting, it's amazing what some good lighting plus arousal can do.

With these dolls arranged in the bed just so, with pillows and blankets around them, it's easy to imagine the rest of the body is simply covered up. Especially if you're playing by candlelight. Again, this can be used with a blindfold for extra help in the fantasy department, and talk can add to the experience.

Either the fucking machine or doll options can be used to recreate many of the threesome sex positions we'll explore a little later on.

What about using toys to facilitate some of the other possible threesome benefits?

One of the nice things about exploring with other people is being able to experience different kinds of bodies, for different experiences and sensations. But toys can facilitate this too.

Try realistic dildos in a variety of sizes, textures, and colors. This can not only allow for variety but perhaps open up new activities. For example, you can get a small toy for experimenting with anal sex. They even make toys for adding a dildo to someone who already has a penis—both cock ring style and strap-on harnesses. This way, you can achieve double penetration with just one person, and still have your hands free for other activities.

You can also try Fleshlights or other masturbation sleeves in a variety of styles. These can provide different textures and different amounts of pressure so you can play with novelty and variety.

Another option is to combine multiple toys with your usual play to explore high-stimulation scenarios. Maybe someone adds a butt plug or other anal toy to penetrative or oral sex. Maybe there's a vibrator added to the mix. Maybe some nipple clamps. Anything you can do to light up multiple erogenous zones at once will raise the stimulation factor of the experience.


Input:
 Write a chapter about threesomes involving an existing couple. This should include:

1. Definition of a couple: Discuss what is meant by the term 'couple' in the context of this book and how it refers to a romantic pair. Explain that any time two people have some history together, it can change the dynamics of the threesome.

2. Couple's privilege: Define couple's privilege and explain how it can manifest in threesomes. Discuss the power dynamics at play and the importance of being mindful of these dynamics to avoid harming other people the couple may engage with.

3. Starting the conversation: Provide advice on how to bring up the topic of threesomes with a partner. Suggest choosing the right timing, asking if the partner is open to hearing a fantasy, and including reasons for the interest in threesomes.

4. How much time are you dedicating? Discuss the importance of getting on the same page about the priority of this fantasy and how much time is willing to dedicate to it. Emphasize the importance of maintaining the relationship and intimacy during this process.

5. Relationship agreements: Discuss the importance of having clear agreements before playing with a third person. Provide examples of things to consider, such as safer-sex boundaries, sex acts that are/aren't on the table, and seeing the same person more than once.

6. How to avoid the pitfalls of unicorn hunting: Define the term 'unicorn' and 'unicorn hunting' and explain why they don't exist. Discuss the importance of treating potential thirds like real people and not objectifying them.

7. What about other couples? Suggest considering playing with other couples as an option. Explain that this can provide more possible combinations and scenarios, but also comes with its own challenges.

8. Seeing a professional: Discuss the option of hiring a professional for a threesome. Provide examples of professionals to consider, such as an escort or a stripper, and emphasize the importance of treating them with kindness and respect.

9. Face your fears: Discuss the benefits of opening up a relationship and how it can reinforce and strengthen the relationship. Encourage the reader to think about the power of seeing someone desiring them, even when someone else is present.

Response:
CHAPTER

7

WHEN THERE'S AN EXISTING COUPLE

What Is a Couple?

There are a lot of different ways people can come together for sexual play, and depending on the backgrounds and connections of the people involved, the threesome dynamics will feel different. So it's important to think about your relationships and dynamics and how they'll play out.

When I say _couple_ in this book, it's usually in reference to a romantic pair. But for the sake of threesome dynamics, any time two of the people have some history together that changes things. So that can mean a pair of friends or acquaintances coming into the adventure together, versus someone coming in entirely solo.

When you're thinking about your ideal threesome dynamics, think about the different energy in the room when there are two people who have a longstanding relationship, or two people who have been lovers before, or three people who have just met up.

There's no better or worse here, but it's worth thinking about how each person's preexisting connection will influence the threesome.

Couple's Privilege

Speaking of couples, _couple's privilege_ is a term you may not have heard before, but it's a concept worth considering if you're planning to date or play as a couple.

First, some notes on language. In polyamorous circles, you're likely to hear the term _couple's privilege_ to describe the advantage an existing couple may have in regards to relationships with third parties. Whether explicitly hierarchal or not, an existing couple has history, which leads to a greater understanding of each other's needs, and often an impulse to protect the relationship from potential interference.

While protecting a relationship isn't a bad thing, it's important to make sure it's done mindfully, in a way that doesn't harm other people the couple may engage with—either individually or together.

It must be pointed out that using the term _privilege_ is not without baggage. The privilege ascribed to couples is not systemic in the same way as something like white privilege. Rather, the term is being used in this context to discuss the power dynamics at play.

It's also worth being aware of these dynamics because if you're part of a couple seeking to engage with single people, couple's privilege might be something they're already sensitive to—whether that's because they've experienced bad behavior from other couples, or the simple fact that our culture is arranged to benefit people who are in pairs.

I've personally run into the frustrations of trying to plan a vacation for one, only to be inundated with advertising for romantic getaways and couples' packages. Our whole society is built around people pairing off, and while an ever growing number of people are rejecting that framework, it's still the society standard.

In the context of threesomes, here's how I'm using it: the couple has a chance to negotiate in advance and come to their own agreements, and the third gets to opt in or out, based on those agreements. While this is still a consensual arrangement, there's a power imbalance worth acknowledging, if not all parties were around for all negotiations. Are the couple's needs being given more importance or priority than the third's? That's a problem.

The couple also has some built-in support after the threesome. Especially if the couple lives together, there's additional time for snuggles and check-ins that the third won't get.

While it can be extremely important to have boundaries and understandings in place with your partner before a threesome, be mindful of how these agreements affect your third. Boundaries should be for and about you and your partner, not a list of rules for the third to follow.

If you find yourself preparing to give a list of instructions, or dos and don'ts, it might be time to rethink your approach.

Here's what one polyamorous friend, Chelsea, had to say on the topic:

_What I want to address is couple's privilege on a smaller and more intimate level. Because you are right that most privileges have to do with sweeping societal dis/advantages. I think for the purposes of threesomes, you are referring not to how a couple is treated by the world at large, but how they use their pre-existing structure to determine how a third gets treated._

_My nesting partner/spouse and I have had a lot of talks about making sure that anyone else involved with either or both of us gets treated as a whole person. They are not a toy, not an afterthought, not a pet. I don't get to decide what they are "allowed" in my home or with my person. Now, what I'm talking about is dating/relationships, not necessarily a guest star for occasional adventures. Maybe that changes it? But if so, they still get an equal yes and an equal no in all negotiations. None of this "WE have decided this is how it's gonna go, play by our rules or gtfo" nonsense. That is not treating them like an entire person with agency and needs and feelings._

_That said, in protection of my relationship, if I felt like someone invited in had unsafe/unethical practices, I would definitely put my foot down (and be listened to), so I know I'm still benefiting from an emotional hierarchy in a lot of ways._

_I'll admit, I do want to protect my family, my home. But I think part of that is . . . the family that we agreed to build is not a monogamous one. I have to protect that too. I have to protect that we have decided that this is important to us and that the ethical practice of it is crucial to who we are._

Starting the Conversation

One of the more common questions I hear is someone wondering how to tell their partner about a kink they have, or a fantasy they want to try. It can be scary to ask for what you want. Asking creates vulnerability and opens you up to rejection. It can also be scary to ask for new things if you're worried it will hurt your partners' feelings. Some people think that asking for something new will sound like they're dissatisfied with their current sex life or partner. My first book, _Tongue Tied,_ goes into great detail about having these conversations, and more, but here's some threesome-specific advice.

When you want to start a conversation that might be sensitive, choose your timing well. Make sure no one is in a rush and everyone is well fed and well rested. Then, ask if they're up for hearing a fantasy.

When you're talking about what you'd like, try to incorporate why you'd like it. For example, "You're so sexy, I think it would be really hot to see someone else touching you," or "You know I've been interested in exploring with other women, I think I'd feel more comfortable if you were there."

Including a feeling or a reason for your interest can help provide context and can help guide the conversation. It can also help pique the other person's interest, if the activity doesn't otherwise sound like their jam.

Think about the difference between, "Do you want to have a threesome?" and "I'm excited about the idea of a threesome, would you be willing to try that with me?" In the second example, there's vulnerability in sharing a desire, which is often met with more kindness than a simple fantasy stated out of the blue.

If you've been together for a while, and strictly monogamous, there's more than one conversation between you and a threesome. It's a good idea to take a while and think the idea through, and process any feelings that come up, before diving in with another person.

If this conversation comes up out of the blue, the other person is likely going to be a bit shocked, and they might take some time to process their feelings. Many of us don't do well when put on the spot. Consider bringing up the topic while at the same time saying you're not expecting to make a decision right away, or anytime soon. Maybe something like, "I'd love to tell you about a fantasy I have, would that be okay?" And then if they're on board, "I've been thinking it would be really hot to have a threesome with you. I also know it's a big step and I'm not in any rush to come to a decision. Would you be up for thinking about it? Maybe we can just start by talking about it as a fantasy and see if it's a turn-on for us?"

When you offer to give someone time to think—or someone asks for time—make sure you actually give it to them! All too often someone is excited to do or try something new, and they begin to nag about it. This is often when people land in my office. The subject of the new thing has become a sore spot because a partner keeps pushing. Sometimes it can help to agree to table the discussion for a set period of time. Maybe six months. And then revisit and see how everyone is feeling.

Remember that _how_ you ask can be as important as what you're asking for. If you ask in a way that makes someone feel bad, or you keep pushing before they're ready to talk, you might sour them on the idea even if they might otherwise have been up for it.

Try to keep your excitement in check and remember that everyone comes around to new things at their own pace. You're better off starting slow and having the chance to move forward together, rather than souring them on the idea and making it a no-go forever.

How Much Time Are You Dedicating?

Are threesomes a fun fantasy that you might get around to at some point, or are they something you're determined to make happen as soon as possible? It's helpful to get on the same page about what priority this fantasy takes and how much time you're willing to dedicate to it.

Like anything to do with sex and relationships, it's important that it doesn't become a chore. If you're finding that threesome planning is taking up all of your time together, that could mean it's time to take a break.

Threesomes are going to be the best when the relationship is in a strong place, so maintaining your intimacy and connection during this process is vital. Make sure you're still going on dates and having fun, hot sex on your own so that adding someone feels like an adventure, not like a requirement.

In fact, this is a great time to level up the sex you're having with just the two of you. Are there new things you've been meaning to try? New skills or toys you want to pick up? There are a lot of ways to add novelty and excitement to your sex life without adding other people. Remembering—and practicing— those things will help make a threesome one more fun thing on the list to try, rather than the only adventure you can have.

If you're going to use dating apps or websites, how much time are you going to spend on them? How many times a week will you log on, and how long will each session last? With the wide array of online options these days, looking for a third for dates could become a full-time job.

Make agreements about how much time you want to dedicate to this project and make sure it stays fun. If it feels like it's eating into your time together, it might be time to take a little step back.

Relationship Agreements

If you have an existing partnership—anything from play partners to spouses—there are agreements. Oftentimes they're unspoken, which is a great way to get into trouble.

Before playing with a third person, it's important to sit down and figure out what your relationship agreements are, or what they need to be, to make multi-person play feel safe and fun.

Here are some things to consider:

▶ Safer-sex boundaries.

▶ Sex acts that are/aren't on the table.

▶ Pet names that are special to the relationship.

▶ Check-ins before play.

▶ Reconnection after play.

▶ Overnights with new people.

▶ Seeing the same person more than once.

▶ Seeing someone separately (outside of the threesome context).

Be sure you understand what your relationship structure is. Do you consider yourselves monogamous, but sometimes play with other people together? Do you think of yourselves as swingers? Are you polyamorous?3

Not only will having clarity on structure help avoid hurt feelings down the line, but this is likely a question potential thirds will have for you as well. Some people will want a threesome to be a one-off, or maybe an occasional, casual thing. Others will only be interested if there's a potential relationship component, whether it's a full triad/thrupple, or something else.

If your agreement is that you're only playing together, stick to that. If you want to renegotiate, that requires a conversation. Meeting someone as a couple and then just one of you reaching out to the third is poor form if it wasn't talked about in advance, and it might creep the third out. Not only that, it could be considered cheating by your partner, if that's not what everyone had signed up for.

When you're making agreements, it's a good idea to talk about the possibility of them changing. What you think you need and want when you're starting this process is likely very different from what you'll need a few months or years into it.

People often tell me that the things they thought would be a problem were fine, and issues they never anticipated ended up bothering them. (I had no problem when my ex-husband started dating or having sex with other people, but I got jealous when he went out to sushi with his new girlfriend. Go figure!)

Remember, too, that agreements can't replace being grown-ass adults. You'll need to use common sense and empathy, and have each other's feelings and best interests in mind. Agreements can be broken—both the letter of the agreement and the spirit. So make sure you're entering into the process in good faith.

Have a Practice Negotiation

Before you bring another actual person into the mix, have a trial run of your negotiation. Talk about celebrities or public figures as your potential threesome partner. Can you agree on who it would be? This is a great chance to take your attractions on a trial run and see where they overlap.

Next, negotiate everything about the theoretical threesome. Which activities are on the table and which are not? Where would you meet up? How would you have the conversations? When the threesome happened, how would it go?

This might sound like a silly exercise, but it's a good way to check for potential problem areas before you run into them with a person in real life. See if there are areas of the conversation where someone is getting jealous, or where you disagree. It's also a way to discover where comparisons or insecurities are lurking.

See how each of you feel when talking about the potential third. When there's an actual person in mind—even if it's someone you'll never meet in real life—it can feel a lot more real than the hypothetical threesome buddy you've been calling to mind so far.

How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Unicorn Hunting

Time for some terminology: in the most typically discussed threesome scenario, a _unicorn_ is a single, attractive, bisexual woman who will show up to have a threesome with a (likely heterosexual) couple to fulfill their fantasy and then will go away—never to bother them or their relationship again. This magical creature is called a unicorn because they don't exist. All humans have feelings and needs. The term _pegasus_ has also been jokingly coined as the male counterpart to the unicorn.

So, if we've got unicorns, what do we call the couples that go looking for them? You guessed it: unicorn hunters.

If you've scrolled through any of the dating apps, you've run across people who say things like, "no couples," or "not your unicorn," in their profile. And while threesomes certainly aren't everybody's cup of tea, this strong aversion is due to a few bad actors. Women who appear to fit the profile of "unicorn" get dozens of propositions online, so these people may already feel objectified.

The theme of this book is treating people with kindness and respect. And when you approach a potential third without any show of interest in who they are as a person, or what they desire, you're not going to get very far. (And rightfully so!)

A disconnect seems to happen for some people when seeking to fulfill a particular kink or sexual fantasy. Even people who would usually be respectful on dating apps begin by talking about what kind of sex they want, before any small talk. It's as though, once they've entered the sex or kink mindset, they forget they're still dealing with real people, rather than fantasy fulfillment robots.

Even if your only goal is a threesome, and you don't plan to have an ongoing relationship with your third, you still need to treat them like a person.

Here are some ways you can do that.

Remember that not everyone who fits your criteria is into couples. Especially if their profile doesn't specify that they're game, sending a message is taking a risk. Do your best to be friendly and polite and don't assume that they're into threesomes (especially not just because they're a bisexual woman/femme.) Not only do you want to represent yourselves well, but ideally your behavior can be so exemplary that it will start to destigmatize couples looking for thirds.

Represent yourselves, and what you're looking for, honestly. Don't be overly vague or make it sound like you're looking for a long-term triad relationship if that's not what you want. If you're interested primarily in a sexy times play partner—say so! I promise, there are people who are into it. And those people will appreciate your candor.

No bait and switch! Represent yourselves as a couple from the get-go. It's not ethical to have what looks like a single's profile and get someone interested, only to spring on them that you're a package deal.

Don't exotify queerness. While exploring sexuality is a perfectly valid reason to be interested in threesomes, make sure not to treat your potential queer partner as a tour guide or someone who will initiate you into a secret queer society. Also, keep in mind the power dynamics at play. Someone who moves through the world as a queer person has doubtless encountered everything from homophobia to discrimination based on their identity. So, to then be objectified for that very identity is deeply hurtful.

Get to know them! Find out what they're interested in—and not just in bed. What are their hobbies? Their favorite books or movies? You need to build some rapport before you jump to the sex talk. And when it comes to sex, you still need to find out what makes them tick. What do they like about threesomes? What are their desires for the encounter?

Even if you've gone into the idea of a threesome with a particular fantasy in mind, make sure there's room for everyone to have their desires fulfilled. If you're describing your fantasy and realize there's no space for taking turns as the center of attention, there may not be much in it for your third. Are you only inviting someone into your fantasy, or are you asking how you can fulfill their desires? Someone else's ideas might be hot, so don't miss out by not asking!

What About Other Couples?

You're reading this book because you're interested in threesomes. The thing is, a lot of people are interested in threesomes. And there are a lot more couples looking than there are single folks. Which is all to say, maybe consider the possibility of playing with other couples as well.

When considering this option, it's important to return to the list of reasons you're interested in having a threesome. If some of those reasons are about exploration and sexual variety, it's possible that a couple could fit the bill just as well as an individual—in fact, with four people you've got even more possible combinations than with three.

Setting your sights on couples rather than singles isn't a magic bullet. Couples aren't simply going to land in your lap (or your bed). And it's worth noting that with more people, there are even more variables when it comes to making sure everyone likes each other and shares some amount of attraction. (Read more about group sex later on.)

Many times couples will form a long-term play arrangement and become friends as well as sex partners. If you're going to play together many times, a number of combinations and scenarios may be possible—as well as potentially breaking off into threesomes occasionally—as long as the odd person out feels good about this exchange. (It helps if there's a rotation of who the three are, and who's at home having movie night for one.)

Read on to learn more about threesomes, but keep this option in the back of your mind. If finding singles proves difficult, or you happen to run into other curious couples on your threesome journey, give this option another thought.

Seeing a Professional

If you live in an area where sex work is legal, you may want to consider hiring a professional. For many of the same reasons that a visit to a strip club can be helpful, hiring a professional can make for very tidy boundaries. You don't need to worry about online personal ads or in-person pickup lines, you can simply be direct about what you want.

Just like at a strip club, remember that everyone must be treated with kindness and respect—whether they're on the clock or not. Paying someone for their time doesn't exempt you from treating someone well, or negotiating and respecting boundaries. According to Dr. Nerdlove, "If you're interested in as uncomplicated a threesome as you can find, an escort is likely your best bet."v

Another professional option would be to hire a stripper to come to your home for a private show. If you already tried the strip club exploration, maybe you had a favorite dancer or two you could ask.

Having them come to your home has a few benefits. Firstly, you don't have the distraction of the club environment. And secondly, if having the private show gets you all revved up, you and your sweetie are right by your bedroom if you want to act on all that arousal as soon as your dancer guest leaves—rather than having to navigate the trip home from a club first.

If you go with this option, expect to pay first and tip well. And don't expect different rules to apply just because you're at home. There's still no touching without permission—and don't count on getting it.

Face Your Fears

One of the most powerful discoveries about openness in a relationship is the way it actually reinforces and strengthens the relationship. People sometimes lean on monogamy based on the belief that it keeps them safe from loss. I get it, I've got my own deep seated fears of loss to deal with.

But counting on monogamy for that security isn't a sure thing. Despite agreements, people cheat. People leave.

This isn't much of a pep talk yet, is it?

What I'm getting at is that wanting monogamy for the sake of security is like relying on having a monopoly to keep your business strong. But how secure is a choice if it's not really a choice?

What can be really powerful is if someone has all the options in the world, and they still choose you. _That_ feels amazing.

While it can take an incredible leap of faith, sharing a partner with someone else and seeing that it doesn't diminish their love or lust for you is incredibly reaffirming. It's a firsthand way of seeing that they aren't with you because of a lack of options, but because of genuine desire.

You can get these benefits in many ways—maybe it's a onetime threesome or maybe you'll dive into full-fledged multiperson relationships such as polyamory. Whatever you choose, think about how powerful it might be to see someone desiring you, reaching for you, even when someone else is right there.

3 Check out the glossary for definitions of these tructures, and the resource section for books to learn more.


Input:
 Write a chapter about being a unicorn, which is a term used to describe a single person, often a bisexual woman, who is interested in having a threesome with a couple. This chapter should include:

1. A personal anecdote about the author's experience as a unicorn and the lessons learned.

2. An explanation of why some singles, especially bisexual women, might be hesitant to identify as a unicorn and the potential risks associated with it.

3. A discussion of the benefits of being a unicorn, such as gratitude from the couple, the ability to explore multiple sides of one's attractions, and the opportunity to be the star of the show.

4. Advice on how to find existing couples for threesomes, including tips on how to navigate dating apps and what to look for in a couple's profile.

5. Tips on how to screen a couple, such as paying attention to their interactions with each other, their level of interest in the unicorn, and their level of communication.

6. Guidance on how to advocate for oneself as a unicorn, including being clear about one's desires and boundaries, and communicating them effectively to the couple.

7. A discussion of red and yellow flags to watch out for when interacting with couples, such as unclear communication, a lack of empathy or willingness to learn, and the presence of rules rather than boundaries.

Response:
CHAPTER

8

UNICORN TIPS

A Unicorn Tale

When my marriage opened up and I got on the dating apps for the first time (they'd come of age while I was in a period of monogamy), one of the first things I did was proudly (and optimistically) label myself as a unicorn in my dating profile bio.

For me, at that time, the term unicorn seemed to capture the spirit of free and easy exploration I was looking for. And I seemed to fit most of the criteria. A bisexual woman who, given my marriage, wasn't looking for a nesting relationship. It seemed like an ideal way to get back into having new sexual adventures for the first time in roughly a decade.

Unfortunately, I didn't yet know what I was doing, and after several disappointing conversations and one disappointing drinks date I changed my bio and focused on solo dating for a while.

My experience mirrors that of many self-identified unicorns. Not just in the disappointing part, but in that I didn't know what I was doing.

While I still occasionally refer to myself as a unicorn in a tongue-in-cheek way, it seems that many who self-identify that way on dating apps are new to the scene. The reason to worry about this is that it can make you a target for some less than wholesome types who are looking to take advantage of people who might not know better yet.

How you decide to identify is a personal decision, but remember that dating apps and websites are a social experiment, and if you're not getting the results you're looking for, you can change variables and see how that changes your experience. You can always try a version of your profile with "unicorn" in it and one without, and see how that changes the kinds of messages you're getting.

Luckily for me, I began running in kinky and polyamorous circles and ended up having opportunities for threesomes and group sex through the new group of friends I was making. It was much easier to connect in that way with people I already had some rapport with.

After a few years of that, and with many threesomes under my belt, I finally revisited the idea of using apps to meet couples, with much more success.

Why Unicorn?

While I've heard a lot of singles—especially single, bisexual women—scoff at the idea of being a "unicorn," there are also lots of people who quite enjoy the experience. And I'm one of them. When done well, there's something really lovely about getting to be the guest star and then going home to your own bed and your own life.

It can be like taking a little vacation into someone else's relationship—and when the couple is kind and loving, that can be quite a treat. It's also lovely to be part of an encounter where everyone is incredibly grateful that you're there. And the unicorn often gets to be the star of the show. After all, you're the one making this fantasy come true.

Here are some potential benefits of being a unicorn:

▶ The couple is often _very_ happy you're there. That kind of gratitude is good for anyone's ego.

▶ You get to have the benefits of hot threesome sex without the risk of relationship fallout. (Of course, this book is trying to reduce that risk, but it's still a possibility.)

▶ As they say, many hands make light work. So if you'd usually be a little worried about performing for a new partner, in a threesome that task is shared.

▶ The best of both worlds? If you happen to be bisexual or pansexual, and you're joining a couple of mixed genders, it can be a nice treat to explore multiple sides of your attractions at once.

In the following pages we'll explore how to find existing couples for threesomes, how to figure out if they're the right fit for you, and how to make sure your fantasies and desires get equal weight and consideration while negotiating and playing.

How To Go Couple Hunting

While you could certainly try what I did and advertise yourself as a unicorn, that method can backfire. It's likely to get a lot of attention, and maybe not the kind you want.

These days I prefer a more subtle approach. I might say something like "open to singles and couples" somewhere in a dating app profile, or I might just make the first move myself when I see a couple's profile that catches my eye.

The apps are becoming ever more friendly to couples' profiles—from shared profiles on OKCupid to apps that cater to couples or open relationships.4 When you're looking at a profile, does it seem balanced, or is it mostly one person in all the pictures? Are the pictures overtly sexual, or are you seeing some of the people's hobbies and personalities too? Are they showing their faces or just their bodies? Or, are all the pictures memes and images stolen from the internet? If you've never been on dating apps before, it can take some time to get comfortable. But once you do, you'll learn to get a feel for people pretty quickly.

Chapter 11 will list places to meet people for threesomes, and all of those places apply to unicorns, too. If you're eyeing couples at a party or mixer, check out their interactions with each other. Make sure it seems like they're in this together. And read on for more about what to look for.

How To Screen a Couple

While attraction and chemistry are important, the number one thing to pay attention to when meeting a couple is how they're interacting with each other. Are they getting along and communicating well? Are they checking in with each other? Do they seem in tune with each other's needs? These are all great signs.

On the other hand, if one person seems way more into it than the other, or if one person is doing all of the talking, I get nervous. All too often the threesome is one person's fantasy and the other is just along for the ride, and this can spell trouble. You never want to end up involved in sex with someone who doesn't really want to be there.

Beyond both seeming on board with the idea, do they both seem interested in you? Depending how sexualities align, do you feel like you're being flirted with by both parties? Chemistry is important, so look for the same spark you'd be looking for on a date with just one person.

If you're potentially interested but not sure about chemistry or attraction, suggest a hang out first. Maybe you all get coffee or do some activity together. It'll give you more of a chance to see if you're all attracted to each other. And you'll also be able to find out how serious the couple is. If there're not willing to put a little time into getting to know you, then they may not have your interests and desires in mind.

As you're hanging out, in whatever context, make sure you ask any screening questions you'd normally ask before a sexual encounter. And on top of that, come up with a few threesome- specific questions, too.

I like to know if the people involved have had a threesome before. Not that it has to be a deal-breaker if they haven't—but it can be a little riskier if one or both people don't know how they'll handle things in the moment. Maybe unexpected jealousy or comparison will pop up, or maybe the couple will even have a threesome-inspired conflict. Just be ready to remove yourself from the situation if at any point it stops feeling comfortable.

You might also want to know why the couple is interested in having a threesome. Like with all sex, there are countless possible motivations—and having motivations aligned between all parties is one important step for having great sex.

Speaking of sex, once you're having more explicit conversations, you might want to ask what their number one threesome desire is. Maybe there's a particular position or sex act they're dying to try. If their number one kink isn't your jam, then it's worth finding out if they're willing to skip it, or if this simply isn't a good fit. And the same goes for you—if there's anything you absolutely need as part of a threesome for it to feel worth it, it's worth checking in advance to see if they're interested.

Similarly, it's worth asking about their boundaries and limits. Some couples might have a rule against kissing or overnights, for example. If that's fine with you, go for it! But if that's going to make you feel less respected as a person or a partner, then maybe it's not a great fit.

Keep in mind that you shouldn't be the only one asking questions! One thing to look for is whether the couple seems interested in you as a person, and interested in what you're hoping to get from the experience. If you're just being used to fulfill a fantasy then the experience might not go very far towards meeting your needs—unless fulfilling couples' fantasies is your kink.

If I'm on a first date with a couple and going home together that night is a possibility, I like to take a bathroom break as an excuse to leave them alone together. If I'm going home with them, I want to make absolutely sure they've had a chance to check in with each other without me watching to see if they're both on board.

If you want, you can even announce that's what you're doing. Say, "I'm going to step outside and check my phone so you two can talk about me." It can be playful and true at the same time.

It can also be a good chance for you to do a gut-check. When face to face with people, it's easy to go with the flow, but having a moment alone to listen to yourself can be valuable to make sure you're really feeling it and not just being polite.

If spur of the moment decisions don't feel right for you, it can be helpful to set a policy for yourself that first dates are just screening meetings. Then, if everyone clicks, you can make a second date to have sex. That way everyone gets a solid chance to think things over, sleep on it, and make sure it's really the right fit for everyone involved—rather than giving into any pressure in the moment.

Advocating for Yourself

A lot of the language we have around threesomes, including the term _unicorn_ itself, centers an existing couple in the experience. It's their fantasy, and a third is coming in just to meet the couple's needs.

But a good threesome doesn't have to be that way. Going into a threesome with a good idea of your desires, and the ability to advocate for yourself, goes a long way towards creating a pleasurable experience.

If you're joining an existing couple, there's a good chance they've been fantasizing about, and talking about, this threesome for a long time. They have ideas for how they'd like it to go, what positions they want to try, and what they're hoping to get out of it.

At this point you've hopefully already screened for whether their fantasies leave room for your pleasure—but even with that step, it helps to feel confident advocating for yourself and your needs.

What are _you_ hoping to get out of this experience? Do you like the idea of being the star of the show and the center of attention? Are you excited about experiencing a new dynamic or learning a new skill?

If you're curious about exploring your sexuality, a threesome can be a nice way to dip your toes in the water. You can find a couple with a person of the gender you want to explore with, and a person of a gender you're already familiar with. This can feel like safer footing for trying something new.

You can also advocate for the logistics that will make you the most comfortable. Do you want to be at your place or at theirs? You might feel more comfortable on your home turf, but leaving someone else's house is easier than throwing people out of yours. Consider the pros and cons of the options.

If you don't want an overnight, it's helpful to state an end time at the beginning. But whether or not the end is prearranged, you can always leave whenever you want to.

What needs do you have for right after sex or for the days that follow? Be sure to speak up about those needs, commonly called _aftercare,_ as well. If you know you'll want a check-in the next day by text, or even a get-together, make sure the couple is on board. Everyone has different expectations around aftercare and follow up, so it's a good idea to make sure you're in alignment.

Red and Yellow Flags

Many of the things that give _unicorn hunters_ a bad name are due to lack of experience, rather than ill intent. But that doesn't make them any more fun to deal with. The good news is that simple lack of information is a very solvable problem.

If you're interacting with a couple and something gets your hackles up, you need to decide if that's a sign that you should just be out of there, or if there's something you'd like to talk through with them.

To make this determination, think about:

▶ How excited are you about this particular couple?

▶ Do they seem open and willing to learn?

▶ Are they taking your feelings and concerns seriously?

As the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea. And if you're a single person looking to play with a couple, you have the advantage of numbers on your side. So if a particular situation doesn't feel right, don't hesitate to move on and find other people to play with. With that in mind, here are some things to think about and watch out for.

* * *

Is the couple being clear and straightforward about what they're looking for?

Unfortunately, some couples seem to think that offering a long-term relationship or triad situation is more likely to get them dates than being upfront about wanting a threesome. So, if you're specifically wanting a long-term arrangement, do enough talking and hanging out to make sure everyone is on the same page. Plenty of people are interested in triads, it's just a few bad actors making that seem like a shady pickup line.

How does hierarchy play out in their relationship?

Many couples who are looking for a threesome are interested in a shared adventure while still prioritizing their existing relationship—and that's okay! What's important to look for is how they're framing this priority.

If there's a lot of language about the relationship coming first, it could be a sign that there are some insecurities that may lead to unfair treatment of the third. Like in many dating scenarios, you'll have to trust your gut and see if what they're describing seems like something you're excited to be part of.

Are you being presented with a list of rules?

Many couples will have established boundaries about what they are and aren't okay with during a threesome. And boundaries are good! Having well-thought-out limits and boundaries is a great sign that the couple has done their homework and is up for the communication needed to negotiate a threesome. But if the boundaries are expressed as a list of rules for you, the third, to follow, that's a potential problem. (For more discussion on the difference between rules and boundaries, see Chapter 14.)

Rules are often put in place as a (misguided) attempt to address someone's fears or insecurities. So look out for these kinds of rules as a potential red flag for future trouble. For instance, if a couple states that the third can't engage in kissing with the couple—maybe the no kissing rule is an attempt to legislate against jealousy, or the possibility of romantic feelings developing.

Because these kind of rules rarely have their desired effect, it's likely the jealous or insecure partner will still be uncomfortable in the moment, and that might cause some friction. And while jealousy and insecurity are totally normal things to feel, they should be addressed as much as possible in advance. If they need to be addressed in the moment, it should be with kindness for everyone involved.

4 See resources in the back for options as of this printing, but keep in mind the online dating world evolves quickly. Many apps disappear and new ones are always being created.


Input:
 Write a chapter about a threesome that didn't happen yet, including:

1. An anecdote about the author's experience of reconnecting with someone from their past through social media.
2. A description of the author's current relationship status and their history with threesomes.
3. The details of the proposal for a threesome, including the logistics and the potential excitement of exploring a past connection in a new way.
4. The author's initial hesitation and the reasons for it, such as the high stakes of a first threesome and the potential for miscommunication or differing expectations.
5. The author's decision to pass on the threesome due to inconsistencies in communication between the couple.
6. The possibility of the threesome happening in the future, now that the couple has more experience.

Response:
CHAPTER

9

THREESOME INTERLUDE

The Threesome That Didn't Happen (Yet)

I'm sure you've heard the saying that real life is stranger than fiction? The thing with fiction is that you can tie things up with a tidy bow. Real life tends to be messy.

I do a lot of live storytelling shows, so I'm always pulling from my real life for stories to tell on stage. And it can be tricky to find a tidy narrative arc in things that have really happened.

There's one story I've wanted to tell, but I've never been able to use it because it doesn't have a satisfying ending. Finally that story finds a home here—because in the context of this book, the lack of an ending is the point.

People in my generation got to have an interesting experience of losing touch with people after high school and college, and then finding them again once social media sites started coming online. I got to have this experience, too.

Maybe ten years after graduation, I heard from someone I'd dated in high school. While the relationship hadn't been serious, it left an impact on me. So I was thrilled to hear from him again. However, at this point I was married (monogamously, at the time) and we lived on different sides of the country.

We renewed our friendship and wrote back and forth to each other on a regular basis. To be honest, it probably pushed the boundaries of platonic friendship. But, I justified, it was long distance. We weren't actually going to see each other.

Time passed. Our lives changed.

He got married. My marriage opened up. Then I got divorced.

More time passed.

Then one day I got a message from him. Their relationship was open now too, and he wondered if I'd be interested in a threesome.

At this point we hadn't spent time in person together since high school. And we'd never had sex. But I was intrigued. By now I was deep into the various sexuality communities in my area, and threesomes were a standard part of my life. And who isn't curious about the one who got away, with the added bonus of his beautiful wife!

We sent messages back and forth talking about the possibility. What would it look like? How would it work? I'd have to fly out to see them, but they have a guest room, so no pressure, he said.

In general, I'm hesitant about participating in a first threesome (or a first anything) because the stakes are so high. But I was so curious about him, and it would be such a tidy end to our story.

But then I got a message from his wife. And while it was perfectly friendly, and she seemed up for the threesome idea, the things she was saying just didn't perfectly line up with what he'd told me. I was worried that they weren't on the same page, and feared I'd be wading into some kind of mess. So I had to pass.

But these days they have a lot more experience . . . so maybe by the time this book gets a second edition, we'll have finally gotten together for our threesome. A sexual adventure decades in the making.