Input:
1. Q: Who holds the copyright for this book?
A: Stella Harris holds the copyright for this book as of 2021.
2. Q: What rights are reserved for the copyright holder?
A: All rights are reserved, which means that the copyright holder has exclusive rights to reproduce, distribute, and display the copyrighted work.
3. Q: Are there any exceptions to the exclusive rights of the copyright holder?
A: Yes, brief passages may be quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews without obtaining permission from the copyright holder.
4. Q: In what form can the book not be reproduced?
A: The book cannot be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by information storage or retrieval system.
5. Q: Who should be contacted to obtain permission to reproduce the book?
A: Permission in writing should be obtained from the publisher to reproduce any part of this book.
6. Q: Who is the publisher of this book?
A: Cleis Press, an imprint of Start Midnight, LLC, is the publisher of this book.
7. Q: Where is the publisher located?
A: The publisher is located at 221 River Street, Ninth Floor, Hoboken, New Jersey 07030.
8. Q: Where was the book printed?
A: The book was printed in the United States.
9. Q: Who designed the cover of the book?
A: Jennifer Do designed the cover of the book.
10. Q: Where was the cover image obtained?
A: The cover image was obtained from Shutterstock.
11. Q: Who designed the text of the book?
A: Frank Wiedemann designed the text of the book.
12. Q: What is the first edition of the book?
A: This is the first edition of the book.
13. Q: What is the trade paper ISBN for the book?
A: The trade paper ISBN for the book is 978-1-62778-307-1.
14. Q: What is the e-book ISBN for the book?
A: The e-book ISBN for the book is 978-1-62778-520-4.

Response:
Copyright © 2021 by Stella Harris.

All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by Cleis Press, an imprint of Start Midnight, LLC, 221 River Street, Ninth Floor, Hoboken, New Jersey 07030.

Printed in the United States.

Cover design: Jennifer Do

Cover image: Shutterstock

Text design: Frank Wiedemann

First Edition.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Trade paper ISBN: 978-1-62778-307-1

E-book ISBN: 978-1-62778-520-4


Input:
 1. Q: What is the title and author of the book?
A: The title of the book is "The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes" and it is written by Stella Harris.
2. Q: What is included in the copyright section of the book?
A: The copyright section of the book includes the copyright year, the name of the copyright holder, the rights that are reserved, and the exceptions to those rights. It also includes information about the publisher and the ISBNs for the trade paper and e-book editions.
3. Q: What is the table of contents for the book?
A: The table of contents for the book includes the following sections: Introduction, Chapter 1 Definitions, Chapter 2 Threesomes in Culture, Chapter 3 Why Are People Into Multiperson Play?, Chapter 4 Are Threesomes For You?, Chapter 5 Baby Steps to Explore Threesomes, Chapter 6 Exploring Without Other People, Chapter 7 When There's An Existing Couple, Chapter 8 Unicorn Tips, Chapter 9 Threesome Interlude, Chapter 10 How Do Sexualities Align?, Chapter 11 How To Meet People For Threesomes, Chapter 12 Threesome Interlude, Chapter 13 Online Dating/App Options, Chapter 14 Negotiation, Chapter 15 Threesome Scenarios and Tips, Chapter 16 Positions, Chapter 17 BDSM and Threesomes, Chapter 18 Performance Issues, Chapter 19 Threesome Interlude, Chapter 20 Safer Sex, Chapter 21 Common Pitfalls, Chapter 22 Flexibility, Improvisation, and Having a Plan B, Chapter 23 More Than A Threesome?, Chapter 24 Aftercare, Glossary, Resources, Threesome Yes/No/Maybe List, and Endnotes.

Response:
CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

Who Is This For/Language

Philosophy

Personal Stories

CHAPTER 1 DEFINITIONS

How Do You Define Sex?

What "Counts" as a Threesome?

Thinking Beyond the Standard

The Myth of the Organic Threesome

Missing the Mark

What Threesomes Are, And Are Not, For

CHAPTER 2 THREESOMES IN CULTURE

Threesomes on Screen

Threesomes in Porn

Historical Threesomes

CHAPTER 3 WHY ARE PEOPLE INTO MULTIPERSON PLAY?

Let Me Count the Ways

Lots of Stimulation

Voyeurism and Exhibitionism

Cuckolding

Exploration of New Bodies and New Dynamics

Specific Fantasies

Arousal Feedback Loop

Taboo

Exploring Sexuality

Simple Curiosity

Why Do YOU Want a Threesome?

Challenging Cultural Assumptions

CHAPTER 4 ARE THREESOMES FOR YOU?

Check In with Yourself

Quiz/Checklist

How Do You Feel Your Feelings?

CHAPTER 5 BABY STEPS TO EXPLORE THREESOMES

Exploration

Nonsexual Nudity

Strip Clubs

Sex Parties

Virtual Threesomes

CHAPTER 6 EXPLORING WITHOUT OTHER PEOPLE

Threesomes as Fantasy

Dirty Talk

Erotica and Porn

Sex Toys

CHAPTER 7 WHEN THERE'S AN EXISTING COUPLE

What Is a Couple?

Couple's Privilege

Starting the Conversation

How Much Time Are You Dedicating?

Relationship Agreements

Have a Practice Negotiation

How to Avoid the Pitfalls of _Unicorn Hunting_

What About Other Couples?

Seeing a Professional

Face Your Fears

CHAPTER 8 UNICORN TIPS

A Unicorn Tale

Why Unicorn?

How To Go Couple Hunting

How To Screen a Couple

Advocating for Yourself

Red and Yellow Flags

CHAPTER 9 THREESOME INTERLUDE

The Threesome That Didn't Happen (Yet)

CHAPTER 10 HOW DO SEXUALITIES ALIGN?

How Will People Combine?

Don't Fake It

The Assumptions

Other Gender and sexuality Configurations

No, All Women Aren't Bi

Considerations with Two straight Men

CHAPTER 11 HOW TO MEET PEOPLE FOR THREESOMES

Becoming a Threesome Person

Becoming a Threesome Couple

Avoiding Culture Clash

What Are You Looking For?

Existing Friend(s) or someone new?

Three solo Folks

Clubs and Public Parties

Cruises and Retreats

Private Parties

Classes

Polyamory Meet-ups

Think outside the Box

But What Do You say?

CHAPTER 12 THREESOME INTERLUDE

Parallel Play

CHAPTER 13 ONLINE DATING/APP OPTIONS

Which sites or Apps to Use

Profile Pictures

Profile Language

Couples' Profile Logistics

Word Choice

First Messages and Beyond

Send nudes?

CHAPTER 14 NEGOTIATION

Expectations, Boundaries, and Limits

Avoiding "Rules"

Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs

Logistics

Taking Breaks

Power Dynamics

Intoxication

Play Party Negotiation

Privacy

CHAPTER 15 THREESOME SCENARIOS AND TIPS

First Meetings

Getting the Party Started

Three-Way Massage

Focusing on Inclusion

Center of Attention

Check-Ins During Play

Selfishness and Generosity

Plan for a Second Threesome

Imbalance of Attraction

Giving Lessons

Sex Games

Toys, Props, and Supplies

Making Sure Everyone Is Satisfied

The End of the Night

Engaging in New Kinds of Sex

CHAPTER 16 POSITIONS

The Nitty-Gritty

Sweet Kisses

Mutual Masturbation—For Three

Side by Side

Doggy Plus Oral

Doggy Sandwich

Spit Roast

Eiffel Tower

Double Penetration

Double Straddle

Tag Team

Double Oral

The Oral Switch

Oral Sex Train

Daisy Train

Chain Link

The Math Equation

The Reverse Straddle +

Spoons

Bukkake

The Voyeur

The Handmaiden

Taking Turns

CHAPTER 17 BDSM AND THREESOMES

How Does Kink Affect a Threesome?

Roles and Power Structures

Kink Parties

Shaking Up Couples' Dynamics

Possible Combinations

Good Guy/Bad Guy

Kinky Threesome

CHAPTER 18 PERFORMANCE ISSUES

Don't Count on an Erection!

Don't Expect an Orgasm

Skill Set Anxiety

Comparisons and Insecurities

CHAPTER 19 THREESOME INTERLUDE

The Surprise Threesome

CHAPTER 20 SAFER SEX

Having the Talk

Build Your Conversation

Multiple Players, Multiple Boundaries?

Barriers and Supplies

Safety Tips

CHAPTER 21 COMMON PITFALLS

Unexpected Feelings

Safer-sex slipups

Jealousy Threesome

Missing Communication

Jealousy

Crossed Boundaries

Treating People Like Merit Badges

CHAPTER 22 FLEXIBILITY, IMPROVISATION, AND HAVING A PLAN B

Be Flexible

Restrictions and Changes Are a Blessing

CHAPTER 23 MORE THAN A THREESOME?

Triads/thrupples

Steady Play Partners

Swinging/Partner swap

Group sex

CHAPTER 24 AFTERCARE

What Is Aftercare?

Check-Ins with All Parties

Post-threesome Dates

Reconnection time If there's an Existing Couple

Be gentle with Yourself

GLOSSARY

RESOURCES

THREESOME YES/NO/MAYBE LIST

ENDNOTES


Input:
 1. Q: What is the introduction to "The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes" about?
A: The introduction to "The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes" is about the author's experience as an intimacy educator and sex coach, and the common topic of threesomes that clients and students bring up. The author discusses the popularity of threesomes and the need for an Ultimate Guide to answer all the questions and guide the curious. The author also addresses the issue of gamification and objectification in some writing about threesomes, and emphasizes the importance of everyone involved being heard and having an equal say in what will and won't happen. The author then outlines what the book will cover, including safety and common pitfalls to watch out for.
2. Q: What is the author's philosophy for writing this book?
A: The author's philosophy for writing this book is to be transparent, to not have an agenda, and to present all possible options so that people can make informed choices for themselves. The author emphasizes the importance of treating people like people, giving equal weight to everyone's wants, needs, and desires, and being honest and transparent when negotiating any relationship or sexual encounter. The author also believes that love takes many forms and that thinking outside the mainstream relationship box is beneficial.
3. Q: What is the language used in the book?
A: The language used in the book is as gender neutral as possible, with an aim to be inclusive of people of every gender. The book is for anyone who has ever fantasized about a threesome, whether they want to have one in real life or keep it part of their fantasy life. Despite these goals, the author acknowledges the gendered nature of the way culture discusses sex and threesomes, and the book reflects the statistics that more couples than singles come to threesome classes or seek guidance on the topic. However, the author emphasizes that the content is relevant to all parties, and encourages readers to read the whole book now and then flip back to particular sections later on.
4. Q: What is the author's point of view on ethics?
A: The author believes that ethics are very personal and that it's not for them to tell anyone what to do. However, the author is invested in people behaving in a way that is ethical towards themselves, their partners, their communities, and anyone else they may engage with. The author emphasizes the importance of treating people like people, giving equal weight to everyone's wants, needs, and desires, and being honest and transparent when negotiating any relationship or sexual encounter.
5. Q: What is the author's stance on trickery and threesomes?
A: The author has heard that some people think trickery is necessary to make threesomes or casual sex happen, but they do not believe this to be true. The author believes that there are people out there who want the same things you do, and this book will help you connect with them in an ethical way.
6. Q: What are the personal stories in the book?
A: The author illustrates points with personal stories and anecdotes throughout the book. In most instances, names have been omitted or changed, and some identifying details have been changed or omitted in order to preserve everyone's privacy. In a few cases, people wanted their real first names used.

Response:
INTRODUCTION

In my years working as an intimacy educator and sex coach, one of the most common topics clients and students bring up is threesomes. Due to this popularity, I developed a whole class about threesomes and group sex, and I've written numerous articles on the topic. Still, I continue to hear the questions. That's why I knew it was time for an Ultimate Guide to answer all these questions and guide the curious.

Information about sex and sexuality is easier to find now than ever, but unfortunately that's a mixed blessing. Like with any topic, not all the information available is good information, and some of it is downright toxic. For threesomes in particular, many articles—and even whole books—are cringeworthy. The problem I'm seeing in a lot of the writing about threesomes is that the couple with the fantasy is being centered while the potential third is a quarry to be hunted.

From gamification to objectification, a potential sexual partner is being seen as a means to an end, not as a person with their own needs and interests. There's also terrible advice about how to "talk your partner into" a threesome, and more framing that puts one person's desires above the needs of others.

A threesome can be anything from a hot sexual adventure between three people who just met to a loving expression of intimacy between people who have a triad relationship. But what's essential is that everyone involved is having their needs and desires heard, and everyone feels like they have an equal say in what will and won't happen.

With a bit of know-how and some communication skills, your sexual fantasies can become a reality. But reality is always a bit messier than fantasy, and there are logistics to plan for and feelings to consider.

This book will walk you through everything you need to know to figure out if threesomes are right for you, and if so, how to plan and negotiate the threesome of your dreams. You'll learn about considerations for safety and common pitfalls to watch out for. It will also offer plenty of ways for established players to up their communication game and get even more out of each encounter.

Where does all this threesome knowledge come from? This book is based on extensive reading and research, about threesomes in particular and sex and relationships in general. It is also informed by the hundreds (thousands?) of clients and students I've worked with. I've heard their fears, guided their negotiations, and been privy to the outcome of their encounters. Each of those common fears will be addressed in these pages, as well as many possible happy outcomes.

I've also engaged in countless threesomes and group play scenarios of my own. Many of them were lovely, and some left room for improvement. I've learned from my experiences and my missteps, and that knowledge is collected here.

Who Is This For/Language

This book is for anyone who has ever fantasized about a threesome—whether you want to have one in real life, or want to keep multiperson play part of your fantasy life.

This book is for couples and single folks, and for people of every gender. Every combination of genders and bodies can have a threesome, and this book strives to address them all. To these ends, the language used will be as gender neutral as possible, and you can simply insert yourself and your lovers as you see fit.

Despite these goals, it's impossible to ignore the gendered nature of the way our culture discusses sex in general and threesomes in particular. Far more couples than singles come to my threesome classes or to my office to explore the idea in more depth, and this book reflects those statistics—often speaking to an existing couple wanting to explore with a third. But there are particular sections addressed to solo folks wanting to explore threesomes, and all of the content is relevant to all parties—so while you may be tempted to skip some sections, everything is worth a look.

That said, this is a reference book of sorts, so feel free to skip around as needed. Maybe your worries about jealousy are too overwhelming to read about sexual positions right now— that's okay! You can read about how to combat jealousy first, or maybe read some of the sections about whether threesomes are right for you.

As with most books, different parts will resonate at different times. Maybe you read this before you've ever had a threesome, and the planning sections are what speak to you most. After you have a few threesomes under your belt, maybe tools to communicate and negotiate to better meet your needs are what will stand out. My suggestion would be to read the whole book now, and then flip back to particular sections later on, as different situations come up for you.

This book also uses several terms of art—meaning words or phrases that have a specialized meaning within a particular context or community. If you find yourself confused about how I'm using a word or term, check the glossary in the back of the book it's likely covered there.

And although it's covered in the glossary, I want to define upfront how I'm using the word _negotiation._ Many people jump to the anxiety of a salary negotiation or haggling over the price of a car when they hear "negotiation," giving the word a negative connotation. When used in reference to sex, I mean negotiation as the process by which all parties come to mutually satisfying agreements.

We'll get into all the particulars in chapter 14, but negotiation will come up in most sections of this book, because talking to people about what you want, and hearing what they want, is a vital part of any sexual encounter, threesomes included.

Philosophy

Every author has a point of view, and especially for nonfiction or educational material, I think it's important to be transparent about that.

I tell new clients at the beginning of our coaching sessions that I don't have an agenda. And I mean that in both senses of the term. There isn't a curriculum I expect people to follow. Rather, coaching is all about the goals and needs that people bring into the session. Coaching is customized for each client.

I also don't have an agenda in that I don't have an outcome I'm rooting for. If a couple comes to me to explore the idea of opening a relationship, I'm not invested in what path they choose. I don't think polyamory is better than monogamy, or vice versa.

What I _am_ invested in is people knowing all their possible options, and being able to choose what's best for them, free of any outside influence. And that includes pressure from partners or the culture at large.

In addition to knowing all the options, I'm invested in people behaving in a way that is ethical. Towards themselves, their partners, their communities, and anyone else they may engage with.

And here's the thing: ethics are very personal. I have my opinions, and you'll read about many of those in the following pages. But it's not for me to tell you, or anyone, what to do.

It's not uncommon in a coaching session for me to lay out a situation for a client, ask the right questions, and get them to the point where they have to make their own ethical choice. And after reading all the content in this book, you'll have your own choices to make.

Here's where my ethics land, and what I think is important:

▶ I believe people should be treated like people, not like a means to an end.

▶ I believe everyone's wants, needs, and desires should be given equal weight in any interaction.

▶ I believe honesty and transparency are vital when negotiating any relationship or sexual encounter.

▶ I believe people should be given all the information relevant to their decision about how, and if, they'd like to engage.

▶ I believe love takes many forms, and that we benefit from thinking outside the mainstream relationship box.

I've heard plenty of times that people think some kind of trickery is necessary to make threesomes or casual sex happen, and it simply isn't true. There are people out there who want the same things you do, and this book will help you connect with them— in an ethical way.

Personal Stories

Throughout this book I illustrate points with personal stories and anecdotes. In most instances names have been omitted or changed. In a few cases, people wanted their real first names used. Some identifying details have also been changed or omitted in order to preserve everyone's privacy.


Input:
 1. Q: How does the author define sex?
A: The author asks the question "How do you define sex?" in their classes and encourages attendees to come up with their own answers. The author emphasizes that defining sex is incredibly personal and that everyone can have their own definition. The author encourages as broad a definition as possible to allow for more flexibility when it comes to negotiating play with other people and gives more options for ways to get needs met.
2. Q: Why is defining sex an important first step before negotiating sex with other people?
A: Defining sex is an important first step before negotiating sex with other people because having different definitions for the same words or acts is one of the most common sexual misunderstandings. It's also one of the quickest ways to cross a boundary or get in trouble.
3. Q: What are some examples of broad definitions of sex?
A: Some examples of broad definitions of sex include pleasure, solo, partnered, or in groups, an intention to share something intimate, skin-to-skin contact and the pleasure of touch, exploring what other people like, and what we can learn about ourselves in relation to other people.
4. Q: What is the author's stance on requiring penetration or orgasm for something to be considered sex?
A: The author discourages requiring penetration or orgasm for something to be considered sex because it limits the ways in which something can be considered sex and can invalidate experiences that don't meet those requirements.
5. Q: What is the author's advice for negotiating sex with other people?
A: The author advises to have a broad definition of sex, to be aware of different definitions that others may have, and to negotiate sex with other people based on those definitions.
6. Q: What is the author's advice for first-time threesomes?
A: The author advises to start small and to have a broad definition of a threesome. The author suggests activities such as snuggling, watching a movie together, three-way make outs, games of strip poker or sexy D&D, and three-way massage sessions. The author also suggests setting boundaries for the activities, such as everyone leaving their underwear on and no touching over underwear areas.
7. Q: What are the benefits of having a broad definition of a threesome?
A: Having a broad definition of a threesome allows for more flexibility and options for ways to get needs met. It also allows for starting small and building comfort and communication with the other people involved.
8. Q: What is the author's advice for expanding your thinking as to what counts as a threesome?
A: The author advises to consider activities such as kissing, touching above the waist, and group massage. The author also suggests considering activities that don't involve all three people being in the same place, such as phone or video chat.
9. Q: What is the myth of the organic threesome?
A: The myth of the organic threesome is the idea that threesomes can happen spontaneously or without much discussion in advance. The author cautions against this and advises against making moves that are unwanted or making jokes that make everyone uncomfortable. The author also advises against using alcohol or other intoxicants to lower inhibitions.
10. Q: What are some things that can be missed when negotiating sex or threesomes without discussing them in advance?
A: Some things that can be missed when negotiating sex or threesomes without discussing them in advance include safer sex agreements, language preferences around gender and body parts, likes and dislikes, relationship agreements, and ongoing expectations.

Response:
CHAPTER

1

DEFINITIONS

How Do You Define Sex?

When I teach group classes I ask a lot of questions of the attendees. There's more to being an expert than simply lecturing. In fact, studies have shown that people learn more when they come up with their own answers and solutions. One of the questions I like to ask is, "How do you define sex?"

When I ask this at the beginning of a class, attendees look at me like I'm joking. But as soon as people try to answer, they figure out the complexity. And even if someone comes to an easy answer, it likely doesn't align with the answer of the person they're sitting next to.

When there's enough time, I have people break into small groups to discuss. Just like you remember from elementary school, each group comes up with their own definition, then we share them all with the larger group and discuss. It's always tricky for each group to come up with a working definition they can agree on. And when we come together to share, each group has come up with something different. And you know what? No one is wrong. Defining sex is incredibly personal, and everyone can have their own definition.

Why ask this question? Because defining sex is an important first step before you can negotiate sex with other people. Having different definitions for the same words or acts is one of the most common sexual misunderstandings. It's also one of the quickest ways to cross a boundary or get in trouble.

When coming up with an answer, I encourage as broad a definition as possible—having a broad definition of sex allows you a lot more flexibility when it comes to negotiating play with other people and gives you more options for ways to get needs met.

What definition do you have in your mind right now? Take a minute to think about it. Maybe even write it down.

Does your definition involve penetration? Orgasm? More than one person? The more requirements we have for something to be sex, the more ways there are for something to fall short or feel like a failure.

For example, if your definition of sex is penetration with an erection, what happens if the person with a penis can't get an erection? Or if there's no penis involved at all?

Or if your definition requires an orgasm, or mutual orgasm, and one person can't get there—does that invalidate everything that you and the other person just shared?

We can have orgasms by ourselves. So when we're having sex with other people, it's about more than just getting off. It can be about building or maintaining intimacy and connection. It can be about skin-to-skin contact and the pleasure of touch. It's about exploring—both what other people like, and what we can learn about ourselves in relation to other people.

Maybe sex is pleasure; solo, partnered, or in groups. Maybe sex is an intention to share something intimate. Maybe sex is play. Whatever feels like a good fit for you, try for a broad and flexible definition. And then consider how that definition can include three bodies.

What "Counts" as a Threesome?

So you've just come up with a working definition of sex for yourself. Does that mean that's what a threesome includes? Not necessarily. While you might have a very specific fantasy in mind, having a broad definition of a threesome is just as helpful as having a broad definition of sex.

Especially when it comes to a first threesome—either your first ever, or your first with a particular combination of people— it can be a great idea to start small. There doesn't need to be nudity or genitally focused sex acts for a threesome to be fun.

What about snuggling and watching a movie together? What about a three-way make out? Maybe even a game of strip poker or sexy D&D. A three-way massage session can be a great start. It can involve clothes coming off as well as taking turns as the center of attention. And the communication used for massage can be very similar to the communication used during sex, so it's a great trial run to make sure everyone can use their words, and that everyone is listening.

Maybe you decide to try group massage, and the boundary is that everyone leaves their underwear on—plus no touching over underwear areas. This is a great chance to find out if people are able to respect boundaries in the heat of the moment, or if they get carried away. And that includes whether they continue to ask about doing something that has already been stated as a boundary or limit.

Massage is also a great way to see if the group finds balance in terms of who is giving and who is receiving touch. Does one person always end up the center of attention? Figuring out all these details before everyone is naked can be very helpful.

At some point we seem to reach an age when just making out or flirting doesn't feel like "enough," but I encourage you to give those kinds of encounters a chance. You may be surprised at how hot they can be.

In Justin Lehmiller's book _Tell Me What You Want,_ he recounts the results of what, to date, has been the largest survey of sexual fantasies of American adults. And guess what? Of the men and women surveyed, 57.4% and 69.3% respectively report fantasizing about kissing "often." So don't ignore this option!

To do this as an exercise, set a night aside when you'll confine your intimacy within certain parameters. Maybe it's all kissing, maybe there's touching above the waist—the details are up to you. But set boundaries that keep you wanting more.

Now explore what it's like to kiss and touch when it's not just a prelude to something else, but the main event. What are you noticing that you usually miss? Are you more aware of how your partner's lips feel against yours? Are you paying more attention to the noises they make or the way their body moves?

Having a few restrictions can open up a whole new world of exploration and experimentation, because those boundaries force us out of our usual routines.

How else can you expand your thinking as to what "counts" as a threesome?

You may be imagining a threesome as three people in a bed together—but what if one of the participants is on the phone, or on video chat? For many people, this can feel like a safer way to explore the fantasy, and for people with long-distance partners or partners who travel for work, this can be a great way to add some passion and connection between visits. For a first threesome with a particular partner you may want to be in the same place for ease of check-ins and aftercare,1 but once you know it's something you enjoy, your imagination is the only limit.

Thinking Beyond the Standard

I met a couple from a dating app for a drink, and we all hit it off. The conversation was well rounded, and not just about sex. Everyone took turns talking, and they seemed genuinely interested in me as a person. I was also watching the way they interacted with each other. They both seemed comfortable and confidant, and would occasionally glance at each other to check in.

I asked my usual questions about their level of experience and what they were looking for. They'd played with other couples, in a full swap scenario, but they'd never had a threesome—they were hoping I'd be their first.

In their prior experiences they'd mostly played in the same room, so they were able to see what their partner was up to. This meant they had a pretty good idea of how they felt about sharing, and whether jealousy was a common issue.

The couple were a man and a woman, and the woman didn't have much experience with other women, but she was curious. This can go either way for me, and it really comes down to the person and their attitude.

Back in my teen years, more than one friend came to me with their curiosities. I was open about my sexuality from an early age and that meant people came to me with questions. I was always hesitant to be someone's first same-sex kiss because if they ended up having complicated feelings about it, our friendship would get mixed up in those feelings.

But with a casual play partner or one-off threesome encounter, it can feel safer to be part of someone's exploration. There's no existing relationship to ruin and no shared social circles to complicate.

As our conversation continued, it came out that they were also curious about kink, and rope bondage in particular. It seemed like we were a good fit. After a few more questions about safety and expectations I went back to their place. And after a long snuggle with their adorable puppy we headed to the bedroom. Luckily, I'd recently taught a kink class, so I had my bag of tricks in my car—far more goodies than I'd usually bring on a first date.

We started by just kissing for a long while. Taking turns and feeling each other out. It can take a moment to learn the rhythms of a new person. What level of intensity do they gravitate towards? Do they kiss with urgency or with relaxed sensuality?

Figuring out how the kissing works gives you a lot of clues as to how other activities will flow. Is one person more likely to take charge and make first moves? Is it clear that the people involved enjoy watching as much as participating?

Once we'd built a lot of comfort and the clothes had started coming off, we moved to something the woman was especially interested in: being tied up. Rope bondage requires a lot of communication, especially when you're playing with someone new. So bringing out the rope was a great way to facilitate learning more about her and what she liked, as well as essentials like how her body moves, and if she had any injuries I needed to know about.

Based on her answers to my questions, I tied her in a sensual but playful way, explaining to both of them what I was doing as I was doing it. Together we discovered what she liked about rope and leaned into the things that were working for her. While I was doing the tying, her partner was able to kiss and tease her. Eventually he and I both used hands and fingers on her until she had an orgasm, and then the rope came off.

Next, the man shared something he'd been curious about but hadn't had a chance to try—prostate play. I grabbed some of the lube and gloves from my kit, and we began a slow warm-up. Again, this was both sexy and playful as I described to them what I was doing. Eventually my fingers were inside him, and the look on his face said it all—prostate play was a hit. While I focused on internal pleasure, his partner used her hands and mouth on his penis until he had an orgasm.

From there we snuggled, talked, wound down, and eventually I headed home (though not before snuggling the puppy again). I didn't receive any below the waist contact, and there was never PIV (penis in vagina) sex.

So, does that "count" as a threesome? I sure think so. And to my mind, it incorporated many of the best things a threesome has to offer: being a safe place for people to try things that are brand new, and having the support of their trusted partner right there with them.

I will caution that this is a nonstandard threesome scenario, and you shouldn't count on a third to show up, blow your minds, and leave—but luckily sometimes that's my kink.

The Myth of the Organic Threesome

One of the things I hear most often is that people want a threesome to "just happen." And while once in a blue moon maybe three people fall into bed together without much discussion in advance, I wouldn't recommend it.

What are these potential scenarios in which a spontaneous threesome could happen? Maybe a friend is over for dinner and you try to move things in a sexy direction? All too often that's done by making jokes that make everyone uncomfortable, or making a move that's unwanted. And that's a great way to ruin a friendship.

Or maybe you're out at a bar, see someone cute across the room, and suggest some play with you and your partner? Sure, there's a one in one hundred chance that'll work. But far more likely, the person will think you're being creepy. After all, it's hard enough to try standard dating in the wild—looking for something specific is even harder. You can't tell by looking at someone if they're available for dating, or what kind of people they're into, let alone whether they're into multiperson play. Movies and television might make it seem like everyone is game for sex all the time, but that's not how things work in the real world.

When threesomes look organic or spontaneous from the outside, that's usually because there's been a lot of groundwork behind the scenes that you didn't get to see. Or because when friends are telling you about their adventures, they're leaving out some details to make a better story.

It's also worth noting that partners who regularly play with others likely have a lot of standing agreements, allowing for shorthand in the moment. You'll read more about those situations later in the book, especially when it comes to play parties.

One thing that is common among unplanned or supposedly spontaneous threesomes is the inclusion of alcohol or other intoxicants to lower inhibitions—but that can lead to actions that some or all parties may regret later. While a lot of people are in the habit of having a drink to build confidence, if you need to be drunk to do something, it's likely something you're simply not ready to do.

If "organic" or "spontaneous" is shorthand for not talking about it, and not negotiating, here are some things you can miss:

▶ Safer sex agreements.

▶ Language preferences around gender and body parts.

▶ Likes and dislikes.

▶ Relationship agreements.

▶ Ongoing expectations.

When you know the parameters, you can improvise within them. When you don't know what the parameters are, you're just making wild guesses that can miss the mark. So give up the idea of a threesome "just happening." A bit of planning will make for a much better experience for all involved.

Missing the Mark

Years ago, a date and I ended up staying out too late at a kinky play party and our play partner missed their ride home. Not only that, but our kink play had gotten heavier than intended, and I didn't think leaving our play partner alone in the middle of the night was a great idea.

This was our first mistake. We shouldn't have let the play escalate if we didn't already have an aftercare plan in place, and we also shouldn't have been playing with them before knowing how they planned to get home.

Nevertheless, making the best of what we had to work with, I suggested we all go back to my place for some aftercare, and we could address the transportation issue the next day. We piled into my bed and got some decent sleep.

The next morning, I was woken up by the two of them fooling around. There had been no explicit check-ins and our play the night before had been kinky, not sexual, so this was outside of our negotiations. It became clear that they were headed towards hot and heavy and that no talking was going to happen. I had a choice between a "spontaneous" threesome, or getting out of there.

I choose the latter. I headed to the other room, grabbed my laptop, and tried to get some work done, while listening to sex sounds from my bedroom.

Eventually they emerged, and I made breakfast for everyone, and then drove our unexpected guest home.

Later, my date and I had a long talk about what had happened. I explained how uncomfortable it made me to be put in that position, and how much important information was missed because they didn't stop for a conversation.

What Threesomes Are, And Are Not, For

Threesomes are:

▶ A great way to try something new, with the potential added support of a partner or friend with you.

▶ A way to share new kinds of intimacy.

▶ A way to live out fantasies.

▶ A chance to explore new people, new bodies, or new dynamics.

▶ An opportunity to see your partner from a new angle.

▶ A way to celebrate sex and sexuality.

▶ A way to confront jealousy, and let go of possessiveness.

Threesomes are not:

▶ A bandage for a troubled relationship.

▶ A grudging compromise when one partner wants an open relationship and the other doesn't.

▶ A chance to ignore a third person's feelings, wants, or needs.

▶ An excuse to bend agreements or boundaries.

▶ A chance to "test" your partner.

▶ A solution for boredom.

1 Aftercare is what it sounds like, whatever you need for taking care of yourself after an intense experience. Check out Chapter 24 for more information about aftercare.


Input:
1. Q: How are threesomes portrayed in film and other media?
A: Threesomes have been a fixture of film and other media for decades, often used as a shorthand way to say certain things about a character—all too often, unsavory things. Or they're used to simply titillate the audience with something risqué.
2. Q: Can you give examples of films that portray threesomes in this way?
A: Yes, for example, the dance lesson scene in Dirty Dancing, where Penny and Johnny sandwich Baby between them, as though that alone marks the two characters as not just older, but more worldly and experienced in very particular ways. Another example is the movie Threesome, about three college students who are accidentally roomed together on a college campus, two men and one woman, and the resulting threesome.
3. Q: How are threesomes portrayed in pornography?
A: Porn can be a great way to get turned on or explore new kinks or new fantasies. But it's important to remember that's what porn is—a fantasy. Porn isn't sex ed or a how-to. And when it comes to threesome porn, it's often even more unrealistic than porn involving just two people.
4. Q: Why is threesome porn often unrealistic?
A: Remember that porn is usually shot with a particular viewer in mind, and is often portraying a particular fantasy. As such, often one participant is the center of attention the whole time. While that can be hot for an outside viewer, it doesn't always work so well for a threesome you might try to have yourself.
5. Q: What should viewers keep in mind when watching threesome porn?
A: Viewers should remember that in porn they're not seeing the negotiations or the check-ins. There's no acknowledgment of preexisting relationships. And viewers are missing any potential awkwardness about choosing positions, or switching from one pose to another.
6. Q: Are threesomes a new idea?
A: Threesomes are far from a new idea, and I think it's safe to assume we've been having group sex for as long as we've been having any sex at all. (Even animals have been observed having threesomes!).
7. Q: Can you give examples of threesomes in history?
A: Yes, books and art from across cultures support our long-held fascination with threesomes. The Kama Sutra contains multiple entries for threesomes. Images of threesomes also adorned the walls in the baths of Pompeii, and temples in India are decorated with carvings depicting group sex.
8. Q: Can you give an example of a historical artwork depicting a threesome?
A: One of my favorite examples of group sex in art is The Cursed Woman (La Femme Damnée) by Octave Tassaert, painted in 1859. Despite what the title would have you believe, the woman in question seems to be having a lovely time.
9. Q: Is there any evidence of threesomes in the animal kingdom?
A: Yes, even animals have been observed having threesomes!

Response:
CHAPTER

2

THREESOMES IN CULTURE

Threesomes on Screen

Threesomes have been a fixture of film and other media for decades, often used as a shorthand way to say certain things about a character—all too often, unsavory things. Or they're used to simply titillate the audience with something risqué.

Even the mildest suggestion of a threesome might be used to imply things about characters, like the dance lesson scene in _Dirty Dancing,_ where Penny and Johnny sandwich Baby between them, as though that alone marks the two characters as not just older, but more worldly and experienced in very particular ways.

At the risk of dating myself, I saw the movie _Threesome_ at a very impressionable age. If you're not familiar with it, the movie is about three college students (Lara Flynn Boyle, among others) who are accidentally roomed together on a college campus. The scandalous part? It's two men and one woman. And with the title, you know where this is going. I'm not saying it's a good movie, but it left a mark. The dynamics between the characters, the idea of multiple bodies, and the slight edge of homoeroticism all mesmerized me in those pre-internet days when smut was difficult to get ahold of, and before I knew there were communities of people into the same things as me.

Later, during my senior year of high school, _Wild Things_ came out, and people were equal parts intrigued and scandalized. Once again, the threesome was shown as a way to brand the characters as brazen, or outside of society's norms.

Want to consume some threesome media of your own? Here's a nonexclusive list of options. These films or tv shows feature a threesome, group sex, or multi-person relationship or sexual dynamics:

_Threesome_ (1994)

_Wild Things_ (1998)

_Shortbus_ (2006)

_Y Tu Mamá También_ (2001)

_Professor Marston and the Wonder Women_ (2017)

_True Blood_ (series)

_The Magicians_ (series)

_Sirens_ (1994)

_Sense8_ (series)

_Easy_ (series)

_House of Cards_ (series)

_Shame_ (2011)

_Savages_ (2012)

_Henry & June_ (1990)

_Kinsey_ (2004)

_American Psycho_ (2000)

_Sex in the City_ (series)

_Vicky Cristina Barcelona_ (2008)

_The Dreamers_ (2003)

Try having yourself a little viewing party—not just to decide what feels hot to you, but to see if you can pick out any best practices, or any situations to avoid.

Threesomes in Porn

Porn can be a great way to get turned on or explore new kinks or new fantasies. But it's important to remember that's what porn is—a fantasy. Porn isn't sex ed or a how-to. And when it comes to threesome porn, it's often even more unrealistic than porn involving just two people.

Remember that porn is usually shot with a particular viewer in mind, and is often portraying a particular fantasy. As such, often one participant is the center of attention the whole time. While that can be hot for an outside viewer, it doesn't always work so well for a threesome you might try to have yourself.

Remember that in porn you're not seeing their negotiations or their check-ins. There's no acknowledgment of preexisting relationships. And you're missing any potential awkwardness about choosing positions, or switching from one pose to another.

So use porn to get turned on or to come up with some fantasy ideas, but don't expect your real life threesome to look just like what you've seen on screen.

Historical Threesomes

Threesomes are far from a new idea, and I think it's safe to assume we've been having group sex for as long as we've been having any sex at all. (Even animals have been observed having threesomes!i)

Books and art from across cultures support our long-held fascination with threesomes. Perhaps the most well-known manual for sexual positions, _The Kama Sutra_ contains multiple entries for threesomes. Images of threesomes also adorned the walls in the baths of Pompeii, and temples in India are decorated with carvings depicting group sex.

Moving closer to modern times, one of my favorite examples of group sex in art is The Cursed Woman _(La Femme Damnée)_ by Octave Tassaert, painted in 1859. Despite what the title would have you believe, the woman in question seems to be having a lovely time.


Input:
1. Q: What is the popularity of group sex among Americans?
A: According to Lehmiller's book _Tell Me What You Want_, group sex is the single most popular sexual fantasy among Americans today, with a third of survey participants describing it as their favorite fantasy of all time.
2. Q: Why are people attracted to multiperson play?
A: There are many reasons people are attracted to multiperson play, including the high level of stimulation, the opportunity for voyeurism and exhibitionism, and the potential for exploring new bodies and dynamics.
3. Q: How does multiperson play provide stimulation?
A: Multiperson play can provide stimulation in many forms, including visual stimuli, physical stimulation, auditory stimulation, and the opportunity to explore new dynamics and fantasies.
4. Q: How does multiperson play appeal to voyeurs and exhibitionists?
A: Multiperson play can be particularly exciting for exhibitionists, who enjoy being watched, and voyeurs, who enjoy watching. This can be a chance to put on a show for an extra person, or to watch a sex show happening right in front of you.
5. Q: What is the appeal of cuckolding?
A: Cuckolding is a common fantasy that involves the addition of a third person, typically involving a man watching his partner with another man. The appeal of cuckolding can include the opportunity to channel jealousy into an erotic charge, or to take part in power play dynamics.
6. Q: How can multiperson play help fulfill specific fantasies?
A: Multiperson play can help facilitate many common fantasies, such as exploring BDSM, experimenting with different genders, or having sex with a stranger.
7. Q: How can multiperson play create an arousal feedback loop?
A: For many people, seeing their partner turned on is a huge turn-on. Multiperson play can provide opportunities to watch your partner experience pleasure, creating an arousal feedback loop.
8. Q: How can multiperson play be a form of taboo play?
A: Multiperson play can be a form of taboo play, as it breaks norms of monogamy and can involve the thrill of being an interloper. It can also involve the taboo of desiring sex with multiple people, or exploring same-sex desires in a heterosexual context.
9. Q: How can multiperson play be a way to explore sexuality?
A: Multiperson play can be a safe way to explore sexuality, with the support of an existing partner or friend in the room. It can be a chance to try new activities, such as exploring same-sex desires or trying out BDSM.
10. Q: How can multiperson play challenge cultural assumptions?
A: Multiperson play can challenge cultural assumptions about monogamy and relationships, such as the idea that one person is meant to fill all of our needs forever, or that being attracted to someone you're not partnered to means there's something wrong with your relationship.

Response:
CHAPTER

3

WHY ARE PEOPLE INTO MULTIPERSON PLAY?

Let Me Count the Ways

Referring back to Lehmiller's book _Tell Me What You Want_ , he states that group sex is the "single most popular sexual fantasy among Americans today," with a third of survey participants describing it as their favorite fantasy of all time.ii

Impressive, right? And that certainly aligns with the number of questions I hear on the topic. So if you're curious about threesomes, you're far from alone.

But why? Of all the things people can and do fantasize about, what is it about multiple bodies that makes this the top of the list? The following pages will explore some of the more common reasons people turn to this fantasy, and I bet you can come up with even more reasons of your own.

Lots of Stimulation

One of the key reasons people are excited by the idea of threesomes or multiperson sex is that they can involve a high level of stimulation. And that stimulation can come in many forms.

For starters, there are a lot of visual stimuli when there are extra people. Not only are there more lovely bodies to look at, but you're able to watch people doing things to each other in front of you, a perspective you simply don't get from one- or two-person sex.

There may be high levels of physical stimulation, too, especially if you spend time as the center of attention. More people can mean more hands, mouths, and genitals making contact with you, and that can be very exciting.

There can also be higher levels of auditory stimulation. Maybe there's dirty talk, maybe there are moans and gasps. All of this can be arousing to listen to.

Additional people can also mean new dynamics and fantasies to explore, which can help keep even the most active brain busy. Sometimes an extra pair of hands is incredibly useful, not to mention an extra mouth, when it comes to exploring these new fantasies.

On a basic level, desire for a threesome can harken back to some of our earliest sexual fantasies. Maybe even before we're fantasizing about particular people, we're fantasizing about body parts we'd like to play with and explore. That's a lot of stimulation! And a threesome can be a way to embody that early fantasy of many body parts at our disposal.

Voyeurism and Exhibitionism

Exhibitionists like being watched, and voyeurs like watching— what a perfect match! And while your mind might be jumping to flashers and Peeping Toms, both voyeurism and exhibitionism can be engaged in with the consent of all parties.

If you enjoy having an audience, having an extra person in the bedroom can be particularly exciting. Especially if they're someone new to you, it can be a big thrill to put on a show. While compliments and affirmations from our sweeties are wonderful, it can be extra stimulating to get that kind of attention from a new source. While I don't doubt the sincerity of long-term partners when they say nice things, I have heard from clients that they worry their partners, "have to say that." Whatever the reason, attention from a new source can be a big turnon. And in the context of a threesome, you can share that extra arousal all around.

If you get a thrill out of visual stimuli, you can't beat a sex show happening right in front of you. It's hard to describe the sensual overload of bodies entangled in the bed with you. It's so rare in our culture to see other people having sex, that seeing it right in front of you can be an almost overwhelming amount to process (in a good way).

If you're having a threesome with a regular partner, it can be incredibly fulfilling to watch other people appreciate how beautiful or skilled they are. It can actually inflate our own ego to see a partner of ours receiving compliments, while at the same time we can appreciate them getting that feedback from a new source. I absolutely love hearing a partner of mine receive compliments. Another bonus you can get from an additional partner as an audience is the ability to share your partner's vulnerability with another person. There's something incredibly tender that can happen during sex, and allowing someone else into that space can feel very special.

There's also a particular pleasure in taking pride in your partner getting someone else off. Like being in the stands while your favorite team scores a goal, you can cheer on your partner as they execute especially sexy moves.

Personally, I enjoy both voyeurism and exhibitionism, and that make threesomes an ideal scenario. In fact, I enjoy watching so much that I sometimes have to remind myself to participate! More than once I've caught myself at the foot of the bed, enjoying watching the people in front of me, only to remember that I should dive in and help out. The same is true at sex parties—I'm often found curled up on the couch simply enjoying the scene in front of me. And that's a totally valid way to participate if it sounds like your jam. An extra person on hand to pass over a sex toy or extra lube is always appreciated.

There's even evidence that voyeurism and third party play (or even just watching porn of it) can increase desire and virility.iii Whether or not this can consciously affect someone's desire for a threesome, there's clearly some deep-seated psychology at play when we're rolling around with more than one other person.

Here's what one woman had to say:

_My partner and I had been wanting to invite this person to join us for years! My partner knew them years before they met me, and I was introduced to them through our common queer circle. They are a performer, and my partner and I would often go to their performances just to adore them from afar. One fateful night at our local sex club queer night, we ran into them and they weren't working the party for once! We invited them into a private room, had the safer-sex talk, and fucked until the venue closed for the night! It was my first time being able to watch my partner fuck someone else, and it was truly one of the hottest moments I've experienced._

_I am both a voyeur and an exhibitionist, so threesomes and group sex are very attractive to me. This experience solidified further what I already knew: the more, the merrier!_

Cuckolding

One common fantasy that involves the addition of a third person is that of cuckolding. Classically, this involves a man and a woman, with the man watching his partner with another man. While this can fall under the banner of nonmonogamy in general or threesomes in particular, there are some specific ways this fantasy plays out.

The _cuckold_ in this situation is the man who is watching his partner with someone else. The term has been around in several variations since the Middle Ages, originally referring to a man who was being cheated on. These days, however, the term primarily refers to the consensual fetish.2

One of the most common ways to indulge in this fantasy is for the cuckold to be in the room, perhaps in a chair with a good view of the bed, while he watches his partner with another man. Of course, the genders can be mixed up in any way you'd like. For a complete gender reversal, the term cuckqueen is sometimes used.

While the partner on the outside of the experience is most usually in the room to watch, the fantasy can also be indulged in from afar, by receiving pictures or even simply hearing stories of the adventures they missed out on.

Consensual cuckolding can be hot for any number of reasons, many of which align with the pleasures of voyeurism or exhibitionism. But there can be an added element in the mix, of feeling jealousy and being able to channel that into an erotic charge.

This jealousy can play out with a hot "reclaiming" scene once the third has left, which allows the existing couple to enjoy all of that erotic build-up between themselves.

Taking cuckolding to a kink or BDSM context, there is sometimes an element of humiliation involved in cuckolding as a fetish, though that's certainly not required. This can be part of a wider power dynamic within the relationship, or something reserved for these specific encounters. On the other side, there can be elements of power play for the partner who is taking a new lover in view of their existing partner. When this is the element being played up, you'll sometimes hear the term, _Hotwife._ In this instance, it's the "wife" or female partner whose behavior is being discussed or centered, whereas "cuckold" refers to the husband or man in the situation.

Like most kink play, there are countless ways this can play out, and numerous ways to balance the power exchange—if that's an element you'd like to include.

Here's how one man describes a scenario that can fall into the cuckolding category:

_About a decade ago I was hanging out with some friends of mine, a married couple, whom I hadn't seen for some time. We'd made a night of it going from bar to bar, and toward what I thought was the end of the evening we had a pause in the conversation. The couple looked at each other and then the wife looked at me._

_"Have you ever been propositioned by your friend's wife?" she said._

_I was surprised. I was also immediately aroused, as I'd always found her very attractive. I said no and looked to my other friend, who had a big grin on his face. I asked him if he was okay with this. He said, "I love it. It's like my own private porno starring my wife."_

_It's not a humiliation thing. Rather, he loves sharing her with guys he trusts. She loves getting fucked and having attention lavished upon her._

_We have met up consistently since then, for over a decade now. It's actually my longest-lived sexual relationship, and I hook up with them every six months or so. He likes to call her a naughty girl. And she likes to be one._

_It's also worth noting that being in a threesome with a guy who is not into other dudes still requires trust and intimacy, and even sexual intimacy of a sort. He's never once made any homophobic jokes or comments about me, my sexuality, or how we pretty consistently get naked and vulnerable together. It's instructive and positive to express masculinity with other guys in such a nontoxic manner, and to have a mutual partner be a form of camaraderie rather than jealousy or rivalry._

_Also, it's nice to know you can tag in a friend for an assist when you're fucking someone insatiable._

Exploration of New Bodies and New Dynamics

Every body is different. They look different, smell different, taste different, and are capable of different things. A position that might be terrible for one person's knees might be someone else's favorite. A particular act that someone loves won't be everyone's cup of tea. By adding new people to the mix, you've got a chance to explore all kinds of new things.

This is one of the benefits of relationships with some degree of openness. They let you have experiences with people you might not have if you're only dating (or having sex) to find a nesting partner. There are people who could be a bad fit for you to make a life with, but who still have a lot to offer.

Threesomes can work that way, too. You're exploring with people you might not want to pair up with for the long term, but who are still wonderful in many ways.

You're also getting to see and experience new combinations of bodies—as well as contrasts between bodies. With a threesome, you're not only exploring new people yourself, there are three of you exploring. And that means you're seeing people combine in new and novel ways. Kissing a woman's soft lips and then immediately kissing a man's bearded face. Stroking someone's soft body and curves and then feeling someone's taught muscles.

Sometimes we're better able to notice and appreciate things about people when they're highlighted by contrasts. And threesomes allow you to notice many beautiful contrasts between people.

Specific Fantasies

Do you have a fantasy that simply requires an extra person? The thing about threesomes is that they can help facilitate many of the most common fantasies that people have.

Interested in BDSM but your partner isn't? Bring in a third. Interested in exploring with someone of a different gender? Add them to the mix. Think the idea of sex with a stranger is hot? You guessed it, invite one home.

Not only does a new or extra person help realize many common fantasies, but doing it in the context of a threesome provides some structure, stability, and safety if you're bringing along a friend or partner.

Here are some fantasies you might try to fulfill:

▶ Kissing someone new while your partner watches.

▶ Trying out the fabled three-way kiss.

▶ Having multiple hands on your body at once.

▶ Feeling a mouth on each nipple at the same time.

▶ Experiencing multiple penetration.

▶ Sleeping in a three-way cuddle puddle.

▶ Watching your partner try new things.

Arousal Feedback Loop

Again and again, people come to my office and say that the biggest turn-on for them is when their partner is turned on. It can even become a problem, when two people are so focused on the other person that neither one is able to get that particular need met.

Bringing in extra people is a great way to watch your partner get turned on and experience pleasure. Who doesn't like the occasional helping hand?

With more stimulation and more combinations of bodies and sex acts there are a lot of opportunities for arousal and pleasure, and if seeing another person aroused or experiencing pleasure is a big turn-on . . . you see how this goes?

If seeing someone else's pleasure is a big turn-on for you, then why not double that pleasure with two people to watch? It can finally give you the outside perspective that can be missing from two-person sex. You'll be able to watch your partner get turned on and enjoy themselves either from a slight distance, or while you chip in yourself. The possibilities for these combinations are endless.

Taboo

Taboo can be a huge turn-on. It's also very culturally specific. In mainstream western culture, monogamy is the norm, so anything that breaks that norm can have the thrill of the taboo. For that reason alone, threesomes have great potential for taboo play.

If you're part of an existing couple, there's the excitement of breaking norms by seeing a partner flirt with, kiss, and even have sex with another person. And if you're the third, playing with the taboo of being an interloper—the "other man" or "other woman"—can be a hot fantasy to explore, even if it's kept as a personal thrill.

Threesomes have the opportunity to break a number of other taboos as well.

In western culture, people socialized as women are often shamed for wanting sex, let alone with two people at once. So any expression of desire can bring a bit of a charge to an encounter—especially if mixed with other taboo or wanton activities, like double penetration.

Some people lean into this taboo by adding role play or dirty talk, wanting to be "shamed" for these desires within the safe container of consensual play. If this sounds like you, consider negotiating some name-calling, like "slut" or any other words that feed into this particular fantasy for you.

In a threesome involving two straight or mostly straight men, there's a charge from pushing the boundaries of sexuality. Whether it's negotiated as being focused on the third, or whether the men explore a bit with each other, too, the added thrill of taboo is there. Cultural homophobia is a big elephant in the room, so whether you acknowledge it or not, it's likely to play some part in how you're feeling during this kind of group scenario. And that's another fantasy you can lean into if it strikes your fancy. Why not add some locker room role-play, or some other scenario that intentionally enhances this taboo?

Just remember that adding intentional taboo play to the mix is a significant leveling up, so make sure you're ready for the added emotional complexity.

Exploring Sexuality

There are a lot of reasons people might not have explored all of their attractions and turn-ons. From cultural or familial stigma to simple lack of opportunity, we can get pretty far along in life and realize there are things we're still curious about.

Trying new things can be scary, and that's one of the reasons that interests can go unexplored. For some, it can feel safer to explore something new with the support of an existing partner or friend in the room. That's why threesomes can be a great way to try new activities—you can have the added safety and comfort of a trusted person right there with you.

Any time you're exploring something new, it's important to be transparent with the other people involved. In the case of a threesome, make sure the new person or people know where you're coming from, or if you're uncertain. While lots of people enjoy helping others explore and experiment, it won't be for everyone.

In a threesome to explore sexuality, it's especially important to have not just a plan A, but plans B, C, and even D. In the moment you might find that you're scared or uncomfortable, or even just not as turned on as you'd hoped, but still curious enough that you want to keep going.

Consider what activities you want to have on the table, and what feels like going too far. Maybe you want to stick to things like kissing with the new person, while you explore how that feels. Or maybe touching everywhere with hands feels comfortable, but you're not ready to explore oral sex on a new body.

Whatever lines feel most comfortable for you are fine, as long as you communicate them to the other person in advance and they feel good about it. And remember that it's probably better to start small and see how it goes than to try to squeeze everything in to one adventure. If things go well and you want more, you can always make another date with the same person, or line up another threesome partner. But if you move past your own comfort zones, you can't take that back later.

Another reason a threesome can be a good method of exploration is that you've got a pinch hitter in the room. So, if you realize you've gone as far as you're ready to go with a new person, there are a wide variety of things that can still happen. Maybe the other person takes the lead and you can just watch. More people means more possibilities, and that can make it feel safer to dive in.

Simple Curiosity

With so many cultural references to threesomes, it would be hard not to have some curiosity. Just what is all the fuss about? Curiosity is a wonderful motivation for any kind of exploration.

Whether it's curiosity about the dynamic of three bodies in a bed, of watching sex in front of you, or of exploring with someone new, we all crave novelty and new experiences.

Why Do YOU Want a Threesome?

As with any kind of sex, knowing _why_ you want to do it is as valuable as knowing _what_ you want to do.

Have you ever thought about why you want sex at any given time? One study found 237 reasons!iv Think about it: if you want sex because you're looking for touch and connection, and the other person is just looking for an orgasm (both valid reasons!), the sex is going to look different for each of you. So it's important to know the why in order to help determine the how.

What does this have to do with threesomes? Well, the "why" of your threesome will help determine a lot of the details you need to decide on. If part of the why is exploring with someone of a particular gender, then that determines the gender of the additional person you're looking for. If the why is to explore a particular BDSM dynamic, then the person you're looking for needs to be into and experienced with that dynamic.

If you're planning a threesome with a friend or partner, it's also important to make sure your reasons for wanting a threesome are in alignment. For example, if you're excited about exploring with another man, but your partner doesn't want another man in the room—there's an issue to address. Or if one of you wants a wild night never to be spoken of again, and the other is curious about a triad relationship—again, there had better be a conversation.

Even for more subtle differences in your _whys_ , it's worth having the conversation with your friend or partner to make sure there's enough overlap in what you're looking for to move forward. And whether you're solo or partnered, it's a good idea to have the _why_ conversation with your potential threesome playmates, too, to make sure everyone's reasons align.

Challenging Cultural Assumptions

Our culture is constantly policing what's acceptable. From acceptable gender presentation to acceptable relationship styles, people outside the norm hear about it. And while this is beginning to shift, we've all grown up steeped in these cultural "norms."

If you've always been monogamous, or surrounded by monogamous couples—not to mention a primarily monogamous culture—you're likely to have some monogamy baggage. And if you're thinking of opening a monogamous relationship—even if only for the occasional threesome—you're going to feel cultural pushback, even if it's all internal.

Mainstream monogamy culture tells us that one person is meant to fill all of our needs forever. Not only that, but being monogamous is supposed to mean that you never find anyone else attractive.

Neither of these things is true, or even possible, and if we try to hold our partner to these standards, we're forcing them to lie to us. Still, it can be a big jump to go from saying a particular actor in your favorite show is cute, to swiping Tinder for a threesome buddy. And it's natural for this to bring up feelings.

You're going to have to spend some time exploring those feelings to see where they're coming from. It can take some time to figure out if the root of an emotion is a value that you hold, or a value the mainstream culture holds.

What other cultural baggage might you need to release? Maybe the idea that being attracted to someone you're not partnered to means there's something wrong with your relationship. Or that jealousy is both inevitable and a sign of how much you care.

See if you can think about all of the assumptions you have about relationships in general, and about your relationship in particular, and then see if those assumptions are serving you. You get to choose what kind of relationship you want to have—you don't need to bend to cultural prescriptions.

2 An unsettling element of how this fetish sometimes plays out is wanting the third man to be black—bringing racial and racist elements into play. To align with the philosophy of this book, cuckolding should be engaged in only with the full enthusiastic consent of everyone involved, and while treating everyone with the utmost respect. Read more about race and partner choice in Chapter 21.


Input:
Q: What are the steps to take before engaging in a threesome?
A: Before trying something new like a threesome, it's important to check in with yourself first. This means taking time for self-reflection, whether through meditation, journaling, or long walks. Consider where the idea of a threesome is coming from and how it makes you feel. Make a list of things you're excited about and any fears or concerns you have.

Q: What are some questions to consider before having a threesome?
A: Some questions to consider before having a threesome include: What are you hoping to get from the experience? What are the most common elements of your sexual fantasies? How do you feel when someone else mentions a threesome? Do you like to share? Do you feel comfortable having sexually explicit conversations? Does it turn you on to see other people turned on? Are you comfortable being seen naked from various angles? If you have an existing partner, do you like seeing them with other people? Do you feel comfortable negotiating for what you want and need? Do you feel comfortable setting boundaries? If you have a partner, do you trust them to respect your boundaries? Are you ready to say no, even if it might disappoint other people? Do you feel able to have conversations about sexual health and safety? Why do you want a threesome? Does this reason align with the people you're going to play with? What is your risk tolerance when it comes to sexual safety? What is your risk tolerance when it comes to emotional safety? What have your best sexual experiences involved? Do you think threesomes can be a safe and healthy form of sexual exploration? Do you feel confident in your own sexiness?

Q: How can you identify and express your feelings during a threesome?
A: It's important to be in touch with your feelings during a threesome and to be able to express them. Consider where your feelings live in your body and how you can soothe yourself. Learn to differentiate between good anxiety and bad anxiety, and how to use your body's signals to your advantage. This will help you identify when you're in a situation that doesn't feel good and allow you to change course or stop it sooner. It will also help you psych yourself up when you want to feel more confident.

Response:
CHAPTER

4

ARE THREESOMES FOR YOU?

Check In with Yourself

Whether you're solo or partnered, the first step before trying something new is to check in with yourself. Where is the idea of having a threesome coming from? Is it something you've fantasized about for yourself, or something a partner brought up?

While it can be very tempting to go along with things our partners are excited about, it's important to take a time out and check in with ourselves first, outside the influence of someone else's desires. Do you meditate? Journal? Go for long walks? Whatever style of self-reflection works for you is what you should employ here.

Spend some time rolling the idea of a threesome around in your mind. What comes up for you? Is there a list of things that sound hot that you're excited to try? Or do you feel yourself getting anxious about things that could go wrong, or that might feel tricky or awkward in the moment?

Take some time to actually write these reactions down. Grab a journal and pour your thoughts out until there's nothing left.

First, make a list of all the things you're excited to do with a threesome.

Next, make a list of all your fears. Be honest with yourself and get them down on the pages.

Do this self-reflection process long enough to give every thought and feeling a chance to bubble to the surface, and then see if the pros outweigh the cons. If you decide to move forward with a threesome, use the sections in this book to work through the areas that feel scary to you so that you can get to an enthusiastic yes before diving in.

Quiz/Checklist

Here are some questions for you to consider:

▶ What are you hoping to get from a threesome experience?

▶ What are the most common elements of your sexual fantasies?

▶ How do you feel when someone else mentions a threesome (or it comes up in media)?

▶ Do you like to share?

▶ Do you feel comfortable having sexually explicit conversations?

▶ Does it turn you on to see other people turned on?

▶ Are you comfortable being seen naked from various angles?

▶ If you have an existing partner, do you like seeing them with other people?

▶ Do you feel comfortable negotiating for what you want and need?

▶ Do you feel comfortable setting boundaries?

▶ If you have a partner, do you trust them to respect your boundaries?

▶ Are you ready to say no, even if it might disappoint other people?

▶ Do you feel able to have conversations about sexual health and safety?

▶ Why do you want a threesome?

▶ Does this reason align with the people you're going to play with?

▶ What is your risk tolerance when it comes to sexual safety?

▶ What is your risk tolerance when it comes to emotional safety?

▶ What have your best sexual experiences involved?

▶ Do you think threesomes can be a safe and healthy form of sexual exploration?

▶ Do you feel confident in your own sexiness?

How Do You Feel Your Feelings?

How in touch with your feelings are you? When you're having a strong emotion or a sudden reaction, can you name it? Can you describe what you're feeling to other people? And do you have ways to soothe yourself?

If you're going to engage in threesomes (or really, any sex at all) you're going to need to speak up about your feelings.

Have you ever thought about where your feelings live in your body? In a physical sense, where do you feel different feelings? If you don't already know, it can be helpful to start paying attention. Maybe take notes or keep a journal while you're learning how your emotions and your body align.

While this is simply a useful life skill, it's relevant for threesomes because your body often knows how you're feeling before your mind does. And the sooner you can feel an issue coming on, the sooner you can address it.

What does anxiety feel like in your body? How is that different from excitement?

For me, bad anxiety is a flutter in my chest, and anticipation or excitement is a little lower, in my belly. The feelings are pretty similar, and I need to pay attention to know which is which.

I use this trick on myself all the time. I used to do theater and got very used to the feeling of what I was calling stage fright before every show. But true stage fright can be paralyzing. That wasn't what I was experiencing. For me, that nervous energy translated into exactly the kind of energy I needed on stage to give a good performance.

A mentor helped me realize this was exactly what I was feeling before I went to teach classes. I thought I was anxious about every class. But really, it was that same nervous excitement about getting on stage. And coming to that realization has changed my relationship to teaching.

When our body is feeling something, our mind looks for a way to justify it. So if it feels what might be nerves, it comes up with lists of things you could be nervous about. And the next thing you know, you're worried about everything from when you need to change your oil to filing your taxes.

This same impulse can work in our favor, too. It's why smiling can actually put you in a better mood. Or standing in the superhero pose can make you more confident. Our mind believes what our body is doing.

Use all of this to your advantage.

Track where the bad kind of nerves and anxiety live in your body. Then you'll start to feel the warning signs. And you'll be able to get some advance warning when you're getting into a situation you don't feel good about—which means you can change course or stop it sooner.

It also means that if you want to psych yourself up, you can smile and take confident poses. Fake it until you feel it, basically. But only if that's in line with what you really, deeply want.

So learn to check in with yourself because I'm going to keep suggesting that throughout this book. Get used to giving your body a mental scan, looking for where feelings are living, and giving them a name.