Input:
 The prompt for the above section of the story could be:

Write a chapter titled 'Searching for the "Magic Button"' that discusses the importance of finding the prostate, but also acknowledges that it's not just about location. Provide information on the mind-body connection and how it can affect the pleasure experienced during prostate stimulation. Discuss the importance of having realistic expectations and not being too goal-oriented. Provide tips on learning to receive pleasure and how this can be different from giving pleasure.

In the second part of the chapter, discuss the role of arousal in prostate play. Explain how arousal changes the way all parts of the body experience stimulation and how it specifically affects the prostate. Provide tips on how to build arousal before attempting prostate massage, including stroking the cock, taking breaks from rubbing the cock, and drawing out the experience.

In the third part of the chapter, provide information on how to coordinate the motion of one hand on the cock and the other on a toy. Discuss the importance of practice and how regular sessions can help improve technique. Emphasize the importance of breathing during prostate play and how it can increase pleasure.

In the fourth part of the chapter, discuss the importance of the PC muscle and how it can affect sexual response and orgasm. Provide instructions on how to find the PC muscle and how to do Kegel exercises to strengthen it. Mention the benefits of having a toned PC muscle, including more intense orgasms and easier anal penetration.

In the final part of the chapter, discuss two different approaches to pleasure: Tantra and fantasy. Explain how Tantra uses breathing exercises and vocalizations to get more deeply in touch with the sensations of the body, while fantasy focuses on sexy ideas, images, or storylines in the imagination. Mention resources for further reading on both approaches.

Cite your sources and provide a reference for any quotes used in the chapter.

Response:
**CHAPTER** **6**

**SEARCHING FOR THE "MAGIC BUTTON"**

So you want to find the prostate? Great! This is the place to start. We have lots of tips to help you find the prostate and have a good time doing it. Although this chapter focuses on guys who are looking for their own prostate, most of the information will also be useful to those of you who want to find a partner's.

#  **FINDING IT IS NOT JUST ABOUT LOCATION**

Before we describe the location of the prostate and how to reach it with your eager fingertips, we have an important point to make: unlike real estate, when it comes to the prostate, it's not just about location. There's more to prostate  pleasure than just physically locating the gland.

People often talk about finding the prostate as if that's all you have to do: just push the "magic button" and presto! Instant pleasure! As a result, it is common for a man looking for his prostate to poke and prod all over the front wall of the rectum, and when he's not overcome by waves of ecstasy, he assumes that he simply isn't touching the right area.

We interviewed a guy who had looked for his prostate on multiple occasions with no luck. He had tried with fingers and toys, by himself and with his wife, yet he hadn't felt anything remarkable. He said: "You can read all you want about it, but unless someone [...] knows exactly where to go, you won't find it. With all the experimentation we've done to locate it, I still don't know if we're locating it." This is a common experience and a frustrating one.

It's true that in order to feel prostate sensations, you need to be stimulating the right spot. If you are not contacting the gland because you are too deep, too shallow, or off to one side, then you are not likely to feel much of anything. However, it is also possible to push _exactly on the prostate_ and not feel any pleasure at all. One man's partner gave us this account: "I could clearly identify the outline of the prostate, so I was sure that I was in the right place—I've done a lot of this and I know what to look for. But he didn't feel any pleasure. All he felt was 'pressure.'" In other cases, men have reported feeling discomfort, numbness, pain, or an urge to pee when their prostate is massaged.

If you don't feel much right away when your prostate is touched, that doesn't necessarily mean that you haven't found  the right spot. The prostate is not a "magic button" that delivers pleasure automatically as soon as you touch it. Many other factors come into play, such as your state of mind and level of arousal. We discuss these factors here.

#  **THE MIND–BODY CONNECTION**

People tend to speak of the mind and the body as separate, but in reality, this is just a manner of speaking. The mind and the body are one, and your mental/emotional state can have very real effects on your physical state. A good example of this is people who are afraid of flying, who, because they are feeling fear, unconsciously grip the armrests, giving rise to the expression "white-knuckle flyer." Or people who are thinking about something upsetting may suddenly notice that they are clenching their fists or gritting their teeth. What we call "the mind" and what we call "the body" are interconnected, and our mental states impact what we experience physically.

This applies to sex too. Though some people think of sex as a purely physical affair, your state of mind is just as important for sex as it would be for work or any other activity. Some mental states are ideal for maximizing pleasure and others can actually get in the way of it.

An example of this which many men experience at some point in their lives is the vicious circle of performance anxiety. Let's say that you're sleeping with a new partner for the first time and you are worried about being able to "perform" by getting and keeping an erection. When you feel anxious, your body starts to produce adrenaline, which causes the blood  vessels in the penis to constrict. This prevents them from relaxing enough to let in blood to produce an erection. As a result, the anxiety lessens your ability to "perform," ironically causing the very thing that you are worried about.

Another physical effect of strong negative emotions that comes up for sex play is the tightening of the muscles that form the pelvic floor. You've probably seen a scared dog with its tail tucked under its body and its rear end lower to the ground in a fearful posture. People do the same thing: in situations of fear, stress, and pain, the muscles of the pelvic floor can tighten, pulling the tailbone slightly inward between the legs. These muscles are the same ones that you need to relax in order to receive anal penetration, which means yet another vicious circle. If you're worried that penetration may hurt, you might end up with tight pelvic muscles, which makes it less likely that penetration will feel good.

These are very specific, dramatic examples of the mind–body connection, but it can be more subtle too. If you just aren't really in the mood, or you're feeling a little insecure because of something your partner said, or having any other difficult emotions, it may hold you back in the sack. As far as the body's reactions go, it doesn't matter where the negative emotions are coming from. An issue that's completely unrelated to sex, like being stressed about work or frustrated by traffic, can also get in the way.

Unfortunately, many of us get so used to carrying negative emotions that we are no longer aware of them or of the tensions they create in our bodies. This is especially common for men, since a lot of guys have come to believe that having  or expressing feelings isn't masculine. But of course men have the same variety of emotions as women, and learning to deal with them works a lot better than pretending they don't happen. Acknowledging and talking about negative emotions clears the air. Not only will you be happier, but it'll make your prostate play much more fun.

Prostate play, in particular, works best when your emotions, your mood, and your body are all on board. Many of the men we've spoken with have said that their experience of prostate massage and anal penetration is different in this way from their usual cock play. After all, lots of guys are able to have intercourse (on the giving end) when they're in a bad mood, have a headache, or have simply had a stressful day. But being penetrated is quite different from doing the penetrating. Some heterosexual men we've spoken with have said that trying the receptive role gave them a much better understanding of how their female partners might not always be interested in receiving. As one guy put it, "There are lots of times when I don't feel like getting fucked but I could totally fuck someone else."

Because of the openness and relaxation required for receiving penetration, many men find that prostate play requires a more specific mental state than cock-centered play. As one of our interviewees put it, "With regard to cock play I am able to get into it even when I have other things bothering me, be they physical, emotional, mental. I can force myself through it, overpower it in a way with the strength of the lust. However, with regard to prostate play, I really need to be clear and calm on all fronts because any of those troubles  will distract me from the subtle sensations involved and make it difficult to relax enough to enjoy them." So before you even get started, check in with yourself and see if you're really in the mood. Be honest about whatever is going on for you.

First, check in with your body. How does your body feel? If there is discomfort, are there any steps you can take to remedy it? Maybe a walk around the block? Some stretching to loosen up your lower back? A pain killer for that headache?

Second, check in with your state of mind. Are you angry from that argument with your co-worker? Are you worried about something? Concerned about what might be running through your partner's head? Do you feel rushed? Frustrated with searching for the prostate? If you find that you are having negative emotions come up around prostate play, investigate where they are coming from. Try talking it over with someone you trust, discussing it with your therapist, or hashing it out in a journal. Dealing with the issue is the best way to make it go away.

It can be frustrating when part of you is really eager to explore and another part is holding you back. You may be tempted to try to ignore or push through the negative emotions. But pushing harder can make the situation worse. Any reservations you have are likely to cause more tightening and less pleasure, so don't push. If there's something holding you back, take the time to think it over, look into it, and figure out what it needs. You might want to reread the frequently asked questions about common concerns in chapter 1.

#  **REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS**

You may have heard a lot of good things about prostate play, and that may be why you are interested in exploring it. For many who are new to it, it holds a certain mystique as a novel pleasure to discover. Perhaps you've heard grand tales of full-body orgasms and hands-free orgasms that come from prostate massage alone, without any cock play. One prostate toy manufacturer advertises, "Take it from me, guys: prostate massage is the key to achieving the most intense orgasm you will ever experience." Such enthusiastic recommendations are enticing, and it is easy to get caught up in high expectations.

But expectations can be problematic. First, they can distract you from the pleasure at hand. You can become so caught up in what you _want_ to happen that you aren't feeling what actually _is_ happening at any given moment—or at least, not feeling it as deeply as you could if you weren't so preoccupied. Because you aren't feeling the full depth of the experience, you are missing out on much of what it has to offer. Ironically, this means that your expectations are actually getting in the way of what you are hoping for.

_**"Supreme Bliss happens in the moment. Expectations take you out of it into the future."**_

**—SOMRAJ POKRAS AND JEFFRE TALLTREES**

Second, high expectations are easily disappointed. If you are very attached to the idea of having a full-body orgasm on your first try, there's a good chance you will be dissatisfied and frustrated if it doesn't happen. Being frustrated is no state of mind in which to experience pleasure. We've heard from  men who were really disappointed with their early experiences, and pushed really hard for it the next time. Naturally, they didn't enjoy it then either. Some gave up. Others assumed that their inability to "perform" in this way was due to some inadequacy.

Just as in other types of sex, being too strongly goal-oriented or comparing yourself to what you think someone else is doing can undermine your pleasure. Many men who explore prostate play have amazing experiences. For some, it happens the first time; for others, it takes several tries to find the pleasure in it. Most men will have a mix of experiences—sometimes it's fireworks and other times it's a dud. Then again, some men never get into prostate play, for a variety of reasons. Everyone's experience is unique, and there's no way to predict what it will be like for you.

Don't worry about what this person tells you, or how that person's website describes what prostate play is like for them. All that's important is what you experience. Of course, other people's stories can be helpful when you're starting out—just don't turn them into another goal you have to reach. The point here is to find out what it's like for you.

Try to keep this in mind as you explore. Acknowledge from the start that you don't know how this will go and can't force it to go any particular way. Instead of thinking about what you want to happen, focus on what actually is happening and experience each moment for what it is. There will always be good days and bad days. If you don't get what you want today, there's always tomorrow to try again.

#  **LEARNING TO RECEIVE**

Many men find it easier to give pleasure than to receive it. There's a common expectation that a "real man" should always be "in charge," always leading the action. As a result, some men find it difficult to sit back and let their partner take the lead because they worry that it may call their masculinity into question. It's similar to how some men cannot ask for directions: because real men don't admit they are lost. They might drive around for hours laboring under this delusion.

Or, a man may feel that to be a good lover he must always give pleasure to his partner and get his own pleasure from giving it. It's as if he feels it's his responsibility to make his partner feel good, that he's not being a real man if he's not doing that. It's even woven into our language around heterosexual sex: men "give" women orgasms, but we rarely hear of women giving men orgasms.

We are totally in favor of men pleasuring their partner when that's what they both want. Problems arise when it becomes not an option but a requirement. It's unfortunate that many men have come to believe that they must always be in charge, in control, that allowing themselves to receive pleasure would be in conflict with their masculinity. These beliefs limit men because they mark a whole range of experiences as off-limits and make it difficult or impossible to live fully free, authentic lives. It means that they don't get to receive, and that they aren't allowing their partners to experience the joy of giving.

We think that one of the best things about allowing yourself to receive pleasure is that it can be a welcome change from  always having to be in control. Letting your partner take the lead doesn't mean you have to let go of control completely. You can still ask your partner to change their technique, apply some lube, or shift positions. The role of the top is always there, if you want to pick it up again. If you believe that once you put it down, you lose it forever, we invite you to reconsider that assumption. After all, the fact that you receive penetration today doesn't change your ability to do the penetrating next time.

#  **AROUSAL**

What's the difference between a juicy prostate massage and a prostate exam at your doctor's office? Arousal! The state of arousal changes the way all parts of your body experience stimulation. Light caresses can feel electrifying. Your pain tolerance increases. Parts of your body that you may never have considered erogenous zones suddenly become so. Almost any kind of stimulation tends to be more exciting if you are turned on to begin with because you've already got the ball rolling.

Arousal is especially important for prostate play. The prostate, like the female G-spot, fills with fluid during sexual excitement. This swelling not only makes it bigger and easier to locate with fingertips, but also makes it feel different to the receiver. Many men report that the prostate feels most pleasurable if it is massaged when it is very swollen and full of fluid.

This may be different from the way you experience cock stimulation. A lot of men can enjoy having their cock touched  even when they are not very turned on or not very erect. They may prefer gentler touches at first, and it may feel different from when they have a full erection, but they can still enjoy touching their cock from the start, without much warm-up.

The prostate is a different kind of tissue. It is the state of arousal, and the accompanying swelling, that makes the prostate receptive to touch. Particularly if you're new to this, massaging your unaroused prostate may feel uninteresting or even uncomfortable, whereas a swollen prostate is likely to yield vastly different and more agreeable sensations.

Not only that, since the prostate engorges and gets bigger when you're turned on, you're much more likely to be able to locate your prostate if you start off with some other kinds of pleasure first, rather than just shoving a finger up there without any kind of turn-on happening. Whether you are solo or with a partner, take time to get excited before you go poking around back there. It may make all the difference.

##  **The Dos and Don'ts of Arousal**

• **Do stroke your cock.** For most men, it is the focus of erotic pleasure and can be very useful in making the new sensations of prostate play feel good. You can touch yourself, or your partner can touch you. Particularly if you are new to anal penetration, including this familiar pleasure in the mix is a good idea.

• **Don't ignore the rest of your body!** Pinch your nipples, cup your balls, fondle your ass cheeks, press into your perineum—explore! Ask your  partner to give you a full-body massage. Caress as many places as you please, in addition to your cock. As you broaden your erotic focus beyond the cock and into the prostate, don't stop there! The entire body has erogenous potential.

• **Do take breaks from rubbing your cock.** Take some time to lie back and focus on the sensations coming from your prostate—they may be subtle at first and difficult to pick up on. Also, some men find that cock and prostate stimulation together are too much sensation unless they're really turned on. Alternate between cock and prostate to help build toward simultaneous stimulation of both.

• **Don't overdo the cock play.** Prostate sensations can be subtle when you are first learning to feel them, and the force of habit is powerful! For many men, once the cock gets involved it is easy for it to take over the experience. Then the familiar sensations of your cock can override the new, unfamiliar prostate sensations, making it even harder to pick up on them.

• **Do draw it out.** Take your time and go at a relaxed pace. Remember, this isn't a race to the finish line. Many boys learn to masturbate as quickly as possible, and it can be a tough habit to change. But the longer you go, the more time there is for the erotic charge to build. That opens the possibility of more pleasure and a more powerful orgasm.  Take your time and discover what a difference it can make.

• **Don't go too far.** If you get so excited that you feel a sense of urgency, you might want to just get off quickly. Before you know it, you're stroking your way to your habitual penile orgasm. That's just fine if it's what you are in the mood for, but it's not going to help you discover your prostate. If you find yourself speeding up, change what you're doing to allow the arousal to build gradually.

• **Do slow down.** Prostate sensations can be very subtle at first. Slow down and relax while building arousal: this makes it easier to tune in to the new sensations. It may seem counterintuitive—it's common to think that harder, faster strokes are the best way to generate the most sensation. But often this intensity can drown the sensations, and may even cause you to numb out. With slow strokes you can feel more once you learn to tune in. When you've had a bit more practice, you'll probably be able to handle more intensity with your prostate play.

• **Don't overstimulate your prostate.** Many men, when having a hard time reaching a penile orgasm, use rapid strokes on their cock to push themselves over the edge. Well, stroking feverishly at your cock might help you get off that way, but it won't work nearly so well when you are discovering prostate pleasure. The prostate works differently than the penis, so it takes different techniques to make the most of it. If you aren't feeling prostate sensations, hard and fast strokes are likely to drown out the new sensations rather than intensify them. Often this makes the prostate feel uncomfortable or numb. So for now, experiment with slower and lighter touches. Later, once you've learned to feel your prostate, you can see how it likes firmer, quicker strokes.

#  **TO STROKE, OR NOT TO STROKE (YOUR COCK)**

A lot of guys include some kind of cock play in their prostate fun. They may find that strokin' it is essential to making prostate play erotic. Some men try anal penetration and prostate massage without cock stimulation and find it to be uncomfortable, overwhelming, or just plain dull. These men tend to get their cock involved every time.

Other men like to put aside their cock while they are exploring their prostate. They find that once the cock is involved, this habitual form of pleasure takes over the experience and dominates the sensory channels, drowning out the prostate sensations. They prefer to sink deeply into the prostate pleasure on its own, magnifying the subtle sensations of the prostate by focusing on them intently to the point where these sensations can feel very powerful indeed. Some men can reach orgasm in this way, from prostate massage alone.

Still other men enjoy both approaches, switching back and  forth from one day to the next as the mood strikes them. That can be a great way to get the best of both worlds.

What should you do? If you are new to prostate massage and anal penetration, we definitely recommend that you include your cock at first. It's a great way to build the arousal, which makes the prostate more receptive and easier to find. If you are used to masturbating with your cock, as most men are, this familiar experience can help your body associate the new sensation with a tried-and-true pleasure. Just be sure to take breaks from the cock play so that you can learn to tune in to your prostate. Try switching back and forth between cock and prostate, then slowly stimulating both at once.

You might also try different masturbation techniques. For example, if you tend to focus on the head of your cock, see what happens if you stroke the whole shaft while playing with your prostate. This helps keep you out of your habitual patterns, especially if you tend to race to the finish line. By giving less attention to the most sensitive areas of your cock, you can give more attention to your prostate. You may find it easier to draw the experience out longer, build more intensity, and discover deeper pleasures.

If you find that switching techniques makes your cock go soft, or if your energy decreases, go back to your usual methods for a while. This should kick-start the arousal and will likely help your prostate become more engorged. Then you can back off a little and return your focus to the prostate. Going back and forth in this way is an excellent method for making your pleasure last longer.

##  **Practice, Practice, Practice**

As with any kind of sex, you'll need to experiment a bit and figure out what works for you. Scientists say that an experiment is only a failure if it doesn't answer the questions they're asking. Similarly, if you try something and it doesn't work for you, that doesn't mean it was a failure. Now you know an important piece of information that will help you next time.

Even when you've figured out what works for you, it's possible that you'll need some time to perfect your technique. For example, coordinating the motion of one hand on your cock and the other on a toy can be tricky. That's especially true if the sensations you like on your prostate change when you get more aroused or when you orgasm.

As with any new experience, you will learn more quickly and easily if you practice regularly. Some men make a hobby of prostate exploration, scheduling specific times for practice sessions. Small steps add up and you may be surprised at how quickly your efforts pay off.

It may sound funny to schedule masturbation sessions with yourself, but it's a great way to ensure that you have the time and energy to do it on a regular basis. It doesn't have to feel like a chore—think of it as time that you are devoting to yourself for relaxation and enjoyment. But even if it is scheduled, make sure you only do it when you have the energy for it and you're sincerely in the mood. If it stops being fun, take a vacation from it until your enthusiasm returns.

Try making time for prostate exploration—by yourself or with a partner, using fingers or toys—two to four times per week for a few weeks. As with any practice, doing it  frequently yields noticeable changes more quickly. But it's also a good idea to allow some time to pass between play sessions. This gives the erotic energy a chance to build up so you are more charged when the time comes to play.

Regular sessions will get you through the learning curve more quickly, but once you have tapped in to the new sensations, you will likely be able to maintain the ability even if you don't do it as often. Just like riding a bicycle!

#  **REWIRING**

For some men, the prostate feels good to the touch from the very first go. Others find prostate sensations very subtle in the beginning. They may feel very little on the first several tries but find that with time and practice they can feel prostate sensations quite powerfully. This is likely due in part to learning which techniques they enjoy most. But we believe there's another factor too. If this is a new kind of stimulation for you, your brain has to _learn_ how to interpret it as pleasurable.

Some have called this the "rewiring" process. When you stimulate the prostate, or any part of the body, nerves pick up the sensation and send signals to your brain. Then the brain—the one true pleasure organ—interprets those signals and decides whether to register the stimuli as pleasure, pain, or something else. If a type of stimulation is unfamiliar, the brain might not know how to interpret it at first. This means that the first few tries might feel different from later experiences.

This is very common when someone tries something new.  Think of it as like acquiring a taste for liquor or for a new kind of food, or like starting a new workout routine such as jogging: it may be challenging at first, but if you do it regularly, it starts to feel good. This can also happen the first time a person uses a sex toy. Maybe it doesn't do much the first time you try it, but you might enjoy it more after a few tries.

We think this might explain why some men who are looking for their prostate (and, for that matter, some women who are looking for their G-spot) may not feel much pleasure on the first few attempts, even if they are touching the right places. You are learning how to experience a new sensation in a new way.

#  **OPEN TO THE SENSATION**

As you explore the sensations of your prostate, it helps to approach the experience with a feeling of curiosity about what you might experience, rather than attachment to having a particular kind of experience. Pay attention and see what unique sensations arise. You are learning how to pick up on sensations that may not be familiar to you.

Most of the time, we walk around without really noticing everything going on. We're surrounded by so many stimuli yelling for our attention, it makes sense that we usually tune out most of them. But this habit of tuning out can make it harder to notice the quieter things which we are used to ignoring.

You might be surprised at how much you can pay attention to with a little practice. For example, right now, without  looking up from this text, notice how much you can see in your peripheral vision. There are colors and shapes that you are visually processing but your conscious attention was not tuning in to.

What about the sounds? Can you hear cars driving by? People talking on the street? The refrigerator humming in the next room?

Now feel your body—are you warm or cool? Are your muscles relaxed or tense? You might notice that chronic pain in your shoulder, or perhaps your leg is falling asleep? In looking for your prostate, you are applying this same curious, open attention to your own pleasure sensations.

You may find that it helps if you slow down. As Mantak Chia put it, "Often men go from erection to ejaculation like race cars, without taking the time to notice, let alone enjoy, the sights along the way." If you're rushing to the finish line, odds are that you'll miss out on a lot of what prostate play can offer. Take it easy and relax. You'll have more fun, and when you do reach your orgasm, it'll probably be better for it.

If you can let go of your expectations, slow down, and pay attention, with practice you will be able to tune in to your prostate. Over time, it'll get easier and the sensations will get stronger.

##  **Breathe**

Telling someone to breathe is a deceptively simple instruction. Breathing doesn't sound like a big deal. It sounds so easy—just breathe!

It sounds so simple, in fact, that many people write it off  as unimportant and don't bother paying attention to it. But the way you breathe actually makes a big difference in the pleasure you can experience during sex.

One of the most common sexual patterns we've seen for men is the tendency to hold their breath during sex. Sometimes it's because they learned to masturbate in secret and as quickly as possible to avoid getting caught. Making noise was a big no-no, so holding the breath became a habit. But whatever the reason for it, holding your breath may not be the best way to tap into prostate sensations.

Imagine an athlete running down a track or a football field. Does he hold his breath? Of course not! Breathing fuels his ability to run, so the better his breathing, the better the running. And that goes for prostate play too.

When you take deep breaths, you're bringing more oxygen into your bloodstream—that means more of what your body needs to run the pleasure machine. Breathing deeply helps you feel more of the sensations and lets the sexual energy flow more smoothly throughout the body. That means more pleasure for you.

The importance of breathing came up again and again in our survey. A lot of men favor long, slow, deep breaths when they do prostate play. Consciously breathing in this way will help the body relax and settle in to the sensations.

You can also try 10–15 short, quick breaths (sometimes called "breath of fire") to raise your energy, followed by some long, deep breaths to spread it around. Imagine your sexual energy rising up your body from your prostate until it reaches your head. Can you breathe it all the way up? If not, try for  a little more each time. You may be surprised at how much better it makes things feel.

##  **PC Muscle Tone**

There is an important muscle in the pelvic floor that supports the genital and anal structures. It is shaped like a _V_ with the wide end in front and the point in back. This muscle is called the _pubococcygeus_ , or PC for short, because it runs between the pubic bone (located just above your penis) and the coccyx or tailbone (the bottom tip of the spine). Some use the term _PC muscle group_ to refer to the PC plus some other pelvic floor muscles that usually work in tandem, such as the anal sphincters.

In women, contracting the PC muscle causes the vagina to squeeze. In men, because the muscle surrounds the rectum and the bulb of the penis, it contracts to help ejaculation during orgasm. If you squeeze this muscle when your penis is erect, it will cause the cock to bounce upward.

The tone of the PC group is important to sexual response in both men and women. These muscles twitch during the buildup of arousal and contract rhythmically during orgasm. Getting your PC group in shape can make orgasms feel more intense, make anal penetration easier, and decrease the refractory period—the resting time after ejaculation before you can get erect again. You can get your PCs in shape by doing Kegel exercises. This is the practice of squeezing and releasing the PC muscle group in isolation, without flexing anything else.

A toned muscle isn't one that's tight all the time. In fact, for a lot of men, the problem isn't that the muscle is too weak, but  rather that it can't relax. If you spend a lot of time sitting or driving, and especially if you tend to be stressed out, odds are that your PC muscle is too tight. When the muscle is toned, it can both tighten and relax. That's what we're aiming for.

Finding the PC muscle is easy. The next time you have to urinate, sit down on the toilet. Start peeing and then stop the flow of urine. The muscle you use to do this is the PC muscle. Now try flexing that muscle without moving your stomach, butt, or thighs. If you can do this, you are flexing the muscle in isolation, which is important for increasing its tone. Once you've found it and learned to flex it in isolation, you can do these exercises anytime, anywhere, because the action is not externally visible.

There are a few basic ways to do Kegels, listed below. Start off doing five of each and ramp up until you can do sets of 15 or 20. Don't overdo it—you can make the PC muscle sore, just like any other workout.

• Squeeze/release on a one count. Hold the muscle firm on a one count and then release it on a one count.

• Squeeze/release on a two count. Same as above, only a bit slower, which lets you tune into what you're doing.

• Squeeze/release on a four count. In this one, firm the muscle for a four count, hold it for a four count, release over a four count, and relax for a four count.

• Butterflies. This time, firm the muscle quickly and  let go. As it releases and before it fully relaxes, do it again. Afterward, let it fully relax for an equal amount of time.

Be sure to let the muscle fully relax between squeezes, or at the end of a set of butterflies. Muscles need to rest in order to build strength. Start off with just a few repetitions per set and increase as you gain more ability—just like going to the gym.

As your PC muscle gains tone, you'll probably find that you have more control over your anus, so it will become easier to relax it in order to receive penetration. You might also discover that your orgasms feel more intense. That's because when your PC muscle has more endurance and strength, it is able to contract harder, longer, and more repeatedly. If you don't notice a change, the difference may have come on slowly. But after doing the exercises for a few months, if you suddenly stop, you'll probably be able to tell the difference. Fortunately, if you lose your PC muscle tone, you can always get it back by repeating the exercises.

#  **TWO APPROACHES: TANTRA AND FANTASY**

We want to discuss briefly two different schools of thought regarding the pursuit of pleasure. One is Tantra, the other is fantasy. These are two very popular and very different approaches to sex play.

The Tantric approach to sexuality uses a number of techniques such as breathing exercises and vocalizations to get more deeply in touch with the sensations of the body and the present moment. It is a fusing of sexuality and spirituality in  which every moment can be felt as sacred. Some are put off by Tantra because it can seem weird or hippie-dippie, but once you get over the initial self-consciousness, it has quite a lot to offer. In Tantric sex, you bring meditation into the bedroom and learn to be more present to what is happening in your body in each moment, so you can feel your sensations as though they are magnified. Quite a lot of men find that a Tantric approach, which emphasizes relaxing and getting into the body, is very useful in exploring the prostate. To go in depth into Tantric technique is beyond the scope of this book, but see the Resources for suggestions of Tantra guides.

The fantasy approach, on the other hand, is less about zooming in on your sensations and more about focusing on sexy ideas, images, or story lines in your imagination. Fantasizing during masturbation or sex can bring up a great deal of erotic charge and can jump-start your excitement even before any touch occurs. You can let your imagination run wild as you explore and see what fantasy images and scenarios turn you on. If you find that you are turned on by a fantasy you consider inappropriate, you are not alone. Everyone has fantasies, and many of the juicier ones—the ones that really turn you on—involve some kind of "inappropriate" behavior. This can cause us to feel guilty, confused, or ashamed and wonder if there is something wrong with us. But being turned on by a story in your head doesn't mean that you want to enact it in real life. As long as you are clear on that distinction, you are free to enjoy whatever fantasies turn you on. For inspiration, consult erotic fiction or pornography, or check out Violet Blue's _The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy_.

It's worth noting that the fantasy approach to pleasure, in which you concentrate on hot images or story lines in your imagination, is very different from the Tantric approach, which seeks to focus all your attention on what is actually happening each moment. Yet both approaches are popular among men who get into prostate play. We don't suggest that either approach is the right way, or the best way. If you are so inclined, we would encourage you to try both.

#  **WHAT YOU MIGHT FEEL**

You might experience many different sensations as you look for your prostate. Here are a few common ones.

_**"Gotta pee"**_

This is a good sign! Lots of men get the "gotta pee" sensation when they first feel pressure on the prostate, so this probably means that you are in the right spot. Continue to gently explore that area. Take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to feel it rather than fighting against it. The sensation of needing to urinate should pass, often replaced by pleasure.

**WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO PEE?**

Many men, when they first feel pressure on their prostate, get a feeling like they have to pee. This "gotta pee" feeling is common in G-spot play as well.

Of course, you probably don't really have to pee. The prostate surrounds the urethra, directly below the bladder, so when the bladder is full, it exerts pressure on the prostate. When you get that "gotta pee" feeling during prostate massage, your body is simply taking the pressure sensation to mean what it usually means: a full bladder to be emptied.

If you are worried about peeing during your play, you can put yourself at ease by emptying your bladder beforehand. Then you may find it easier to relax into the sensation. You can also lay down some towels or play in the bathtub. Rest assured that, in the absence of an infection, it's safe to come into contact with urine.

##  **The Urge to Come**

Some men ejaculate spontaneously when their prostate is massaged, especially if it's one of their first few tries. Normally, the feeling of pressure in your prostate coincides with ejaculation : fluid fills the prostatic urethra right before it is sent along its way out the cock. If you feel the urge to come during your exploration and you are ready to end the session, by all means go ahead. If you'd like to continue playing, hold still and breathe slowly to allow the sensation to pass.

##  **Discomfort**

Some tenderness and mild discomfort is common when you are new to anal penetration and prostate massage. This is a sign that your body is getting used to this new form of stimulation. You may be a little sore the next day, so take it easy. Over time, this tenderness goes away. For now, don't press any harder than what is comfortable. Pushing through your discomfort is unlikely to bring pleasure. Instead, go softly and build up slowly. Don't try to force your body to experience a pleasure that it isn't ready for. If it starts to hurt, or if it stops being fun, call it a day and try again another time.

##  **Numbness**

It's not unusual for a man to feel nothing at all when pressing directly on his prostate. This may mean that he is not aroused enough, or simply that he has not yet awakened the sensation of his prostate. If it's a new kind of stimulation for you, your brain will need to figure out how to receive it. It may take a while for it to be interpreted as pleasure. If this happens, continue what you're doing and be sure to take slow deep breaths. Take a break and repeat the massage in a minute—sometimes it feels completely different when you try it again. This often works better than plugging away at it until you are sore. Try putting down your cock while rubbing the spot—the familiar sensations of cock stimulation can sometimes override the new, subtle sensations of prostate massage.

##  **Pleasure**

It just might feel good! Yes, crazy idea—it just might feel like a deep, aching pleasure. If that happens, good for you! Relax, take your time, and enjoy it.

SOURCE OF QUOTE

Somraj Pokras and Jeffre TallTrees, _Tantric Male Multiple G-Spot Orgasm,_ e-book (Tantra at Tahoe, 2003), 102.


Input:
 The prompt for the above section of the story could be:

Write a chapter titled 'Find It: Locating the Gland' that provides information on how to physically locate the prostate gland. Divide the chapter into sections for men who are looking for their own prostate and those who are looking for a partner's. Emphasize the importance of solo practice and provide tips on how to prepare for the exploration.

In the first section, provide instructions on how to locate the prostate using fingers. Discuss the different positions that can be used for solo exploration, such as lying on the back, squatting, getting on all fours, and lying on the side. Provide details on how to reach the prostate using both the 'reach down' and 'reach around back' approaches.

In the second section, provide instructions on how to locate the prostate with a partner. Discuss the importance of communication before, during, and after the exploration. Provide tips for partners on how to give and receive feedback, and how to ask for permission before entering.

In both sections, provide a 'guided exploration' section that provides step-by-step instructions on how to locate the prostate. Discuss the importance of finding the shape of the gland and provide tips on how to explore the sensations. Emphasize the importance of taking it slow and not applying too much pressure.

Finally, provide a section on 'partnered exploration positions' and discuss the different positions that can be used for partnered exploration, such as having the man on his back, from behind, and other positions. Provide illustrations to help visualize the positions.

Response:
**CHAPTER** **7**

**FIND IT: LOCATING THE GLAND**

In the previous chapter we laid the foundation for feeling your prostate sensations. Now it's time to physically locate the gland. We've divided this chapter into sections for men who are looking for their own prostate and those who are looking for a partner's. People who are doing this with a partner may also find the information in the solo section useful.

Even if you plan to do this with a partner, we think starting off solo makes a lot of sense. When you do it alone, you don't have to worry about a partner's expectations, concerns, or reactions. You can also go at your own pace. After some solo practice, you'll be better equipped to tell a partner what you like. In our experience, that makes it a lot easier.

#  **SET THE SCENE**

Preparing for your exploration only takes a short while and can make a big difference in your experience. Getting things ready in advance means fewer distractions while you play, so you'll be better able to focus. Whether you are exploring solo or with a partner, take time beforehand to get yourself and your play space ready.

• **Make time.** Set aside at least one hour or more during which you have nothing to do except relax and explore. More time is better if you can swing it. Budget your energy—pick a time when you will be awake and will have energy to spare. Make sure you've eaten within the past few hours so that you won't run out of steam.

• **Minimize distractions.** Find a time when you will have privacy. Turn off the phone and lock the bedroom door. If you are concerned that someone might hear you, play some music.

• **Set up.** Gather all your supplies so you have them handy. You don't want to have to get up and go searching for something in the middle of your exploration. Lay out a towel to catch lube drips and a second, "discard" towel so you have a place to put used gloves and toys when you are done with them.

• **Clean and shine.** Take a shower or bath to wash up and let go of the day. If that's not an option, use hypoallergenic wipes to ensure that the outside  of the anus is clean. Make sure your fingernails are filed short and smooth, with no snags or sharp corners. Remember that the anus is as sensitive as the lips on your face, so run your nails along your lips to check for rough spots that may need to be trimmed. Be sure to remove any rings before penetration happens!

• **Empty the tank.** Go to the bathroom before getting started. Since prostate play sometimes makes you feel like you need to pee, knowing that your bladder is empty helps you relax and enjoy yourself. If you have regular bowel movements, time your anal play for after you've had one, and you won't need to worry about having to take a shit during your playtime. If it will help you feel more comfortable, give yourself an enema. (For enema tips, see chapter 4, Hygiene.)

 **PROSTATE EXPLORATION CHECKLIST**

__ Lube
__ Gloves
__ Pillows
__ Towels
__ Wet wipes
__ Toys
__ Condoms for toys
__ A glass of water

#  **SOLO EXPLORATION: LOCATE THE PROSTATE**

One of the best ways to find your prostate is with your fingers. For some men, this is simply not physically possible. Others can actually get themselves off this way. Those who have good flexibility and long arms and fingers will be at an advantage. Due to the awkwardness of the position, you may not be able to continue the search for very long. But if you can maintain the position long enough to locate the gland with your fingers, you'll have a better idea of where to direct a toy or a partner later. You may not manage to rub yourself all the way to a prostate orgasm, but simply getting familiar with the sensation is a step along the way.

If you can't quite reach the spot, enlist the aid of a toy! Many toys work great for prostate play. Check out chapter 11, Toys, for more information.

##  **Solo Exploration Positions**

The positions involved in rubbing your prostate may put strain on your wrist and perhaps some other parts as well. Listen to your body—if something starts to hurt, take a break. Do some other kind of stimulation for a few minutes and then return to your prostate exploration. Or call it a day—it's not worth giving yourself a sore wrist. Try these positions:

• Lie on your back, with your hips propped up on a pile of pillows. Put pillows under your upper back as well so you're curled up with your back rounded. (This will increase your reach.) Your knees are bent with feet flat on the bed, or your legs are drawn in toward your chest.

• Squat down with your knees wide and hips low to the ground.

• Get on your hands and knees, with your head lowered to the ground.

• Lie on your side with your bottom leg straight and the top leg bent with knee drawn up, resting on a pillow.

• Stand up with one foot elevated on a stool. Do this near the wall so you can use it for balance.

##  **Reaching for It**

There are two approaches you could take to massaging your prostate: reach down between your legs, or reach around back.

###  _**Reach down**_

This is the most common approach, and it works well with any of the positions described above. Once in position, reach down between your legs, insert one or two fingers (using lube, of course!), and curl your fingers toward the front of the body, as if you were trying to reach the deep end of your cock with your fingertips. This makes for a dramatic flexion of the wrist and fingers.

###  _**Reach around back**_

This approach tends to work best in positions where one leg is up and the other down, such as standing with one leg on a stool or lying on your side with one leg drawn up.

Once you are in position, twist your upper body toward the leg that is lifted up, and reach the same arm behind your back. Now try inserting your thumb. If your thumb is long enough, you can reach the prostate with the pad of your thumb. You can now explore the gland by curling the thumb or shifting it from side to side.

**Illustration 3. Solo Massage Position: Reach around Back**

#  **FEELING FOR IT: GUIDED SOLO EXPLORATION**

So, you are feeling frisky and ready to explore! You have set up your space, everything you need is handy, and you've gotten yourself nicely aroused. Time to look for the prostate. Here's what to do.

If you wish, put on a glove. Put a dab of lube on your fingertip and rub it on the anal opening. Massage it lightly to relax the sphincters and get the area warmed up. Take your time here—don't rush past this step. The more relaxed you are, the easier and more fun it will be.

When you are ready, insert a finger slowly. If you are also playing with your cock, you may want to pause for a moment—stroking your cock can cause the PC muscles to contract, which feels good but makes anal penetration more difficult.

Be sure to follow the anal guidelines listed in chapter 5, Penetration 101. Don't be rough or forceful—it'll just make your anus tighten down more. Take your time. Breathe deep, long breaths and don't forget to exhale!—that's the relaxing part of the breath. Once your finger is inside, hold still for a moment. How long? Until the penetration feels comfortable and movement feels welcome.

**LOSS OF ERECTION**

It is very common for men to lose their erection when penetrated. The reasons for this aren't totally clear. In some cases, it may be the result of anxiety about being penetrated. In others, it may simply be that the man's attention has shifted to a different part of his body. Since the pelvic muscles relax to accommodate penetration, this may allow blood to drain out of the penis, causing it to go soft. Try not to be attached to having a hard-on the whole time; it may come and go throughout the exploration. In the meantime, you can still stroke your cock, and chances are the nerve endings will still be very responsive. Arousal, orgasm, and ejaculation are all possible without a hard-on.

**BUTT PLUGS HELP**

Butt plugs can be very helpful in prepping the ass for fingers. If you have a small one, insert it and let it sit for a while before you begin the finger exploration.

Butt plugs are designed to go in and stay put, so you can leave one in while you do other kinds of play. Meanwhile, it helps your ass relax and get used to being penetrated. Later, when you are ready for fingers, it's as if you had them in the whole time—except that you didn't have to hold still all the while, and your hands were free to do other things. Since your ass has been receiving an object all along, it's likely to be well prepared for the gentle motions of your finger exploration.

As your finger slides in, you first pass through two rings of muscle, the anal sphincters. If you contract your PC muscles, you can feel the sphincters tighten around your finger. Try to contract and release several times—this helps you gain awareness and control of the sphincters. Move deeper and you will notice that just beyond this muscular passage, known as the anal canal, the space feels softer and more open; it curves and then flattens out more or less parallel to the front of the body. This is the rectum. Now the search begins.

##  **Find the Shape**

The prostate can be felt through the front wall of the rectum. After you pass through the muscular anal canal and enter the soft rectum, slide your fingers along the front wall of the rectal tissue. At first it feels soft when you press it, but as you go a little deeper it will feel firm. Feel along the front wall to see if you can make out the form of the prostate with your fingers. The more aroused you are, the more swollen it will be. And the more swollen it is, the larger and more rounded it becomes, so it is easier to find.

The prostate is shaped roughly like a sphere, but you can only touch the back side of it because the rest of it is embedded in the surrounding tissue of the pelvis. Remember the plum image? Imagine a plum that is about three-quarters buried in sand, so that you can only feel a portion of it. You are only feeling one face of a sphere.

On the surface of the prostate where you are touching, there is an indentation running vertically down the middle. In some men, this indentation may not be very well defined— especially in older men who may have benign prostatic hypertrophy (BPH), a condition in which the prostate grows larger, which can alter its shape. However, in many men this midline indentation is very tangible and you can rest your finger in this gentle groove. If you slide your finger to the right or left of the midline, you can feel that the prostate forms a rounded lobe on each side—again, very much like a plum. If you continue a little further outward, you will feel where each lobe rounds off and disappears into the body. The rest of the gland is buried too deep to be felt. The term _gutters_ has been used to describe the space beyond each lobe, where you can settle your finger on either side of the prostate.

The texture of the prostate has been described as "spongy" or "rubbery." Usually, it feels more firm than most of the surrounding tissue, though if there is a lot of pelvic muscle tension, it can be harder to make out. Press a finger to the tip of your nose, and another to the soft skin of your cheek. This nicely illustrates the way it feels when you press the rectal wall at the prostate, versus pressing the rectal wall to the side of or deeper than the prostate.

Remember, the prostate can be felt _through_ the front wall of the rectum, not _on_ the rectal wall. So the prostate will feel more firm when you apply pressure, but as you slide your fingers along the rectal wall, the surface texture at the prostate will feel identical to other parts of the rectum: smooth and soft with gentle folds.

##  **Explore the Sensations**

If you can make out the shape of the gland, great! Now you can explore how it feels. Press against it as though you were reaching for your cock from the inside—remember that the prostate is located just behind the base of the cock. Try stimulating different areas of the gland separately: the deep end, the right and left lobes, the central valley.

The prostate will probably not register light caresses—it responds to pressure. However, there's a point at which too much pressure becomes uncomfortable or painful. Resist the temptation to dig in hard in the hope that it will make you feel more. Chances are, it will only make you feel _more discomfort._ When you are new to massage, the prostate may feel a little tender for the first few sessions, but less so with practice. Look for a happy medium: firm, but not too firm. Avoid digging in with your fingertips—that is likely to hurt.

Here are a few suggestions for things you can try. Do each stroke several times before moving on to the next, and pay attention to how it feels.

###  _**Reach down between the legs**_

• Hold your finger in one spot and press and hold for a second, then release the pressure and be still for a second. Repeat this several times over the same spot.

• Reach for the deep end (the top of the gland) and tug downward on it as if you were trying to pull it out.

• Slide your fingertip down the surface of the gland from top to bottom.

###  _**Reach around from behind**_

• If using your thumb, curl it or swivel it from side to side.

Pay attention to how it feels. If it feels uncomfortable, don't press so hard. If you find that rubbing a certain area creates a different sensation from the surrounding landscape, you may be on the right track. Continue to play with that area and see what happens. In particular, pay attention to places that feel tingly or pleasurable, or that make you feel like you want to come or need to pee. You may find that when you first massage a location it feels unremarkable, but after going over that area a second time you begin to notice something different.

##  **"I Can't Find It"**

You might not be able to make out the form of the prostate at first, and that's fine. You can still explore for it. Simply reach your finger or thumb as deep as you can inside the rectum, and apply pressure through the front wall, pressing toward your belly. Keep your finger or thumb on this spot and maintain the pressure for a few seconds, then release for a few seconds; repeat several times. Now withdraw your finger slightly—just a half-inch—and do the same press-and-release exercise, focusing on that spot. Continue all the way down the front wall until you reach the end of the rectum, where it  meets the tight muscular tube formed by the anal sphincters. The idea is to explore the whole front wall, starting as far in as you can reach and slowly working your way down toward the anal canal. When you finish a set, reinsert your finger and repeat from the beginning. You can also do a set slightly right or left of center to focus on the right or left lobe, but make sure you are always pressing the front wall.

This kind of top-to-bottom rubdown will work well if you are reaching between your legs, but it might be more difficult to get various depths of penetration in the reach-behind positions. If you're reaching behind, just massage where you can reach, moving slightly to the right or left if you can and slightly up and down if you can.

Hopefully, you will find a place that feels different from the surrounding tissue. As you continue, the pressure you apply may contribute to the swelling of the gland and soon you may find that the form becomes more clearly defined and recognizable. After a few sets, if you still can't make out the shape of the prostate, withdraw your finger to give your wrist a break. Focus on other stimulation to keep your energy up. You may find the prostate to be more swollen and sensitive when you return and look again.

Be sure to save a little wrist strength for the moment of orgasm. Even if you have had little success so far in the exploration, having a finger on the prostate at the moment of climax can feel amazing! You may find that the orgasm feels broader, deeper, more full-bodied, or more intense than what you are used to from your cock alone.

Also, because the prostate swells dramatically just before  and during ejaculation, it's easier to make out its shape with your fingertips. If you weren't sure where it was before, you'll know for sure afterward!

**BLOOD IN THE SEMEN**

Sometimes a man may find trace amounts of blood in his semen after ejaculating, giving the fluid a pinkish tinge. This occasionally happens after a prostate massage. It can be quite alarming, but it is actually very common, and not only in the context of prostate massage. Often it is only a burst blood vessel.14 This is the same thing that happens when you get a bruise, or when you blow your nose and there's a little blood on the tissue—nothing to be concerned about.

If you find a faintly pinkish tinge of blood in your semen after a prostate massage, wait a few days before repeating the massage, and maybe go easier on the pressure next time, particularly if it feels tender. In the vast majority of cases, the problem goes away on its own and isn't a cause for concern.15 If it does not go away within a week, or if you have other troublesome symptoms, it may be time to see a doctor.

#  **PARTNERED EXPLORATION: LOCATE THE PROSTATE**

Although solo play has its advantages, there are many reasons why you might like to invite a partner to help you. If you have a good erotic connection, simply having your partner present might make it feel more charged than if you were on your own. Chances are they will be able to reach your prostate more effectively than you can, which means better stimulation for you. Because you won't be straining to reach it yourself, you'll also be more comfortable, so the exploration can go a little longer. And, in the absence of pretzel-like positioning and distracting physical strain, you'll be better able to relax and focus on the sensations at hand.

This section contains tips for exploring the prostate with a partner. Once again, the purpose is to locate it. What to do once you find it is covered in chapter 9, Prostate Massage.

##  **Communication Before, During, After**

Open communication is a major key to successful exploration with a partner. Lots of different things can happen, so being able to talk about whatever comes up will make this easier. Due to the sensitivity of the anal area, pleasure can switch quickly to pain because of insufficient lube or involuntary tightening of the anal sphincters. And because anal play is a big taboo for some people, big emotions can come up without warning. Good things can happen too—like immense pleasure as your partner suddenly finds the right spot. So tell your partner about it! Let them know what's going on for you: the good, the bad, and the neutral.

Some people are hesitant to give their partner feedback during sex. There's a widespread myth that if the connection between you is real, your partner will just intuitively know how to please you. Or that asking for what you want makes the experience less spontaneous, or less authentic. And some people are afraid of hurting their partner's feelings with negative feedback.

But the fact is, no matter how well tuned in to each other you are, no one is a mind reader. It isn't always possible for them to know exactly what you are experiencing, even if they guess right some of the time. Telling your partner what you want and what you don't want doesn't mean your partner is doing a poor job, or you aren't enjoying it, or the sex is less "real"—it means you are taking responsibility for your desires and helping your partner fulfill their desire—which is to make you feel good.

Those who are not in the habit of talking openly during sex may find that it feels awkward at first. As with any new skill, there is a learning curve. But with practice, it will feel perfectly natural. Here are some tips for good communication:

###  _**Get started on the right foot**_

Don't wait to talk until you have something that needs to be voiced. Begin each session by telling your partner what you would like to do ("I'd love to try out a bent-over position today") and what you aren't interested in ("I don't think I'm ready for more than one finger"). These are only predictions; you might change your mind during play. But saying what you want now when you are fully clothed will make it much  easier to say what you want later when you have a finger up your bottom.

###  _**Talk about concerns**_

If you have any nagging anxieties about what's going to happen during your play, talk it over with your partner. If you catch it in time, try to do it before the clothes come off. It may help you both relax if you agree in advance that either one of you can stop at any time for any reason.

Sometimes concerns come up during play, and often we don't want to tell our partners because we'd rather not interrupt the flow of the sex. But chances are that if you don't talk about it, your concern will continue looping through your head. At that point, the thought itself has interrupted the flow of sex, making you distracted and inhibited. Call a time-out and tell your partner what you're worried about so you can talk it over and move on. Here are some examples:

"I'm worried that it's going to smell."

"I'm concerned that it's going to be messy."

"I keep thinking it's going to hurt, and that makes me tense up."

###  _**Give positive feedback**_

When your partner does something that works well, let them know. This will clue them in to what you like. Plus, if you give helpful suggestions or negative feedback later ("Ouch! That hurts !"), it's less likely to feel to your partner like they're doing a bad job. Keep it balanced in the positive direction with lots of comments such as "I like that" and "It feels good when you…"

Some relationship experts say that couples need a balance of five positive interactions to one negative in order to keep things flowing smoothly. While we don't think you need to keep track obsessively, this advice does highlight the fact that when you have a foundation of positive feedback, it makes it easier to give and receive the occasional helpful suggestion.

###  _**Ask your partner to describe the action**_

We're not suggesting that you request a play-by-play. But if anything feels especially amazing—or unpleasant—ask your partner to describe what they were doing so you can ask for it to happen (or not happen) again. There's a big difference between saying "I'd like it if you did that amazing thing you did that time" and "I'd like it if you used two fingers in a circular motion on my prostate, like you did that time."

###  _**Tell your partner if it hurts**_

You should never put up with pain when exploring anal penetration and prostate massage. Even if you are capable of tolerating it, it's not a good idea: you could hurt the delicate tissue that lines the anus and rectum. Small, painful tears are a common result of overzealous anal play. Much worse could happen if you are very careless, especially if your senses are dulled with substances or if you are playing with unsafe objects.

Despite myths to the contrary, it isn't likely that the pain will suddenly give way to pleasure. Your partner wants you to feel good, but not at the expense of putting up with pain. Tell them if they are doing something that hurts, so they can stop doing it.

###  _**Give direction**_

"More pressure…a little slower… Right there!" Only you know what you are feeling inside your body, so clue your partner in. It may be helpful to distinguish between "stop" and "hold still," since "stop" could mean either "halt the motion" or "pull out."

Sometimes your partner may ask you how you want it and you won't know. In these cases you can always say, "I don't know. Let's just keep exploring."

###  _**Enjoy the afterglow**_

When the exploration is over, focus on the positive. Tell your partner what you enjoyed and how much fun you had. Any ideas for how it might be better next time? Anything you didn't like? Tuck it in your pocket and save it for another conversation. It's important to share these thoughts, but now is not the time. If you share them now, it can easily overshadow the good feelings and leave your partner with a sour impression.

##  **For Partners of Men: Tips for Givin' It to Him**

###  _**Talk him through it**_

Doctors know the importance of telling the patient what to expect. Instead of letting your partner wonder if you are suddenly going to shove a third finger up there, put him at ease by telling him what you are doing at every step of the way: "Now I'm just teasing the hole. I won't go in until you say you're ready… Ready now? Okay, here's one finger, nice and slow…" Exploring new and potentially charged kinds of  sex can be enough to put someone on edge without the added stress of wondering what's coming and when.

###  _**Ask for permission**_

You should ask for permission before you enter him—every time. This reassures him that he is in control of what happens to his ass, and that you only want to give him what he wants to receive. It feels less like an invasion and more like he is inviting you in. This is essential for reassuring an anxious newbie, but even if you've been in his ass a million times, asking permission is still a great way to build a sense of trust between you and your partner. A simple "Are you ready?" can make a big difference.

###  _**This, or that?**_

If he's new at this, he may not yet have discovered what he likes, so it may be hard for him to tell you what he wants. In such cases, instead of asking "What do you want?" you might try the eye doctor's strategy: "Which is better—one, or two?" Do two different kinds of strokes and then ask, "What feels better right now: this, or that?" Bear in mind that while option A feels better now, option B might feel better in 10 minutes.

###  _**Listen to his concerns**_

Sometimes during sex we have anxieties or concerns that don't seem to make sense, and we may feel that we shouldn't be having them. But they come up in spite of all our logical reasoning, and telling ourselves that they shouldn't be there often only makes them worse. Be sensitive toward any  concerns that your partner shares with you, even if you don't "get it." We all have reasons for feeling the way we do, even if those reasons aren't always clear, and it's important to be respectful of your partner's concerns.

###  _**Let him call the shots**_

If he asks you to do it in a certain way, and if it isn't a problem for you, try to accommodate the request. He's already in a very vulnerable position and it can put him more at ease to show him that he is still in control of what's happening to his body.

###  _**Don't push**_

If he says to stop, halt the motion immediately. If he asks you to withdraw, do so promptly—but slowly, so you don't hurt him. Don't try to convince him to keep going. You may want to give him a perfect experience and it can be disappointing if that doesn't happen. But don't push it—when he's done, he's done. You may feel _so close_ to getting him there, but if he has lost interest, it doesn't matter how skillful you are—his heart isn't in it. Call it a day and try again next time.

###  _**Tread carefully**_

If you are a female partner of a straight man or a male partner of a guy who is usually a top, be extra careful in the approach that you take: you may unintentionally step on a land mine. Men who are used to being the giver may feel defensive at first about allowing themselves to take the receptive role. Watch for signs of inner conflict, and be very gentle if you bring it up. Unless you have negotiated specifically for a power exchange,  do not act as though you are dominating him; this can trigger difficult thoughts and feelings for some.

##  **Positions for Partnered Exploration**

There are a lot more options for prostate play with a partner than solo. You'll need to experiment a bit to figure out which positions are most comfortable for both of you. Here are some great ones to start with.

###  _**On his back**_

**Illustration 4. Partner Massage Position: On His Back**

• When he's on his back, with his legs apart, you can sit between his knees. This position lets you maintain eye contact and can help him relax his abdominal muscles, especially if he props his  knees up with pillows or supports them with his hands. It may be more comfortable for both of you if there's a pillow under his hips, because that helps him stay relaxed and gives you easier access.

• Try having him lie on the edge of the bed with his knees pulled up to his chest. You can stand on the floor at the side of the bed and have maximum access.

• If you're fortunate enough to have a sling or sex swing, that will work great. (See chapter 12, Anal Sex and Strap-on Fucking, for more information about slings.) Adjust the height so that you can stand or sit in front of the sling and have your arm resting at a comfortable level for penetration.

###  _**From behind**_

• Hands and knees. He's on his hands and knees or on his elbows and knees. You can sit or kneel behind him or at his side.

• Flat on his belly. Prop his ass up with a pillow for better access to his anus. As a variation, you could sit on the bed or on a couch and have him lie across your lap as if you were going to give him an over-the-knee spanking.

**Illustration 5. Partner Massage Position: Hands and Knees**

###  _**Other positions**_

**Illustration 6: Partner Massage Position: Standing at Wall**

• Standing at wall. Try having him stand up while you kneel on the floor and reach up between his legs or reach around behind him. This is great for combining with hand jobs and blow jobs. Just be mindful of lube drips on slippery floors!

• Pile driver. This position is a bit more strenuous than many of the others: it puts a lot of weight on your neck and shoulders. For that reason, this position should not be attempted by anyone who is not in very good physical shape—in terms of both strength and flexibility. If you decide to try it, be extra careful of your body: if you start to feel signs of physical strain, come out slowly and carefully. Avoid jerky motions with your neck.

To get into this position, lie on your back, then bring your hips up so that they are over your head with your knees coming to rest by your face. Then place your hands under your back to prop it up, so most of your weight rests on your shoulders. This can put strain on the neck, so do it on a soft surface like a bed. It's also a good idea to do some gentle stretching beforehand, and avoid jerking your neck around once you are in position. It helps to position yourself so that a wall is a foot or so from your head so that you can prop your feet against it.

You can also try this on one end of a sturdy couch: sit lightly on the arm of the couch, facing outward, then lean back until you are lying on the couch with your ass still up on the arm. Your head should be lower than your hips and  your feet up in the air. To get out of this position, simply roll sideways off the couch (slowly and carefully).

##  **Guided Partner Exploration**

When you are looking for your partner's prostate, you are always pressing toward the front of his body. If he is lying on his belly, your palm faces down. If he is lying on his back, your palm faces up.

The length of your fingers will affect your technique. If your fingers are short (say, 3 inches in length) you will need to reach as deep as you can to contact the deep end of the prostate with your fingertips. And in order to get that deep, you'll probably need to press in a little, stretching the muscles of the pelvic floor in the process. This means that if his muscles are very tight, you will have a hard time getting in deep enough to contact the whole surface of the gland. If your fingers are longer (say, 4 inches) this will be less of an issue.

See if you can make out the form of the prostate. Take a minute to get familiar with the landscape. Try to identify the midline, with the two lobes rising on either side. Feel where the gland ends on the right and left sides. Curl your fingertip around the top.

If you are able to feel the prostate, experiment with gently massaging it. Try sliding down it from top to bottom, or curling your fingers around the deep end of the gland and tugging downward. (More in-depth techniques are described in chapter 9, Prostate Massage.) Go very slowly and not too hard. Be mindful that you are using the pads of your fingers (not the tips) and that you are not digging in with your fingernails.

Start with a light pressure and build slowly to a moderate pressure, but be sure to check in with him that it isn't too much pressure. Take breaks between sets so that the prostate doesn't become overstimulated and numb out or start to feel uncomfortable. You can either take the pressure off the prostate while keeping your finger inside him, or remove your finger, as he prefers.

If you are not sure that you have located the gland, feel around on the front wall. If you find an area that feels good to him, linger there. If not, hold your finger still or remove it for a short while as you focus on other forms of stimulation to bring the arousal up, then resume the search.

Try having him ejaculate while your fingers are inside him. You can feel the prostate swell dramatically just before he comes—if you were unsure of its location this will help you know where it is. And it's a nice way to round out the play session, since it feels damn good to rub the prostate during orgasm. Know that for most men, the ass tightens up right after ejaculation, so be sure to hold still for a moment after he comes, then pull out slowly.


Input:
 The prompt for the above section of the story could be:

Write a chapter titled 'Bringing Up the Topic: A Guide for Him and Her' that discusses the reasons why more male-female couples are exploring prostate play, the benefits of taking turns, and the reasons for hesitation. Provide advice on how to open the conversation about prostate play with a partner, including tips on timing and confidence. Discuss the importance of being flexible and making room for a partner's different response.

In the first section, discuss the reasons why more male-female couples are exploring prostate play, such as wanting to give him pleasure, the excitement of trying something new, and the intimacy and trust that comes with him opening himself up in this way. Mention that prostate play can be a natural turnabout for the attentions he may have given to her ass or G-spot.

In the second section, discuss the benefits of taking turns, such as improving your sex life by developing a better appreciation for warming up and getting turned on, and developing more understanding and compassion for your partner.

In the third section, discuss the reasons for hesitation, such as concerns about cleanliness, who's playing the man's role, and concerns about being gay. Mention that these concerns are common but can be overcome with open communication and education.

In the fourth section, provide advice on how to open the conversation about prostate play with a partner. Discuss the importance of timing, such as choosing a time when your partner is calm and relaxed and when you have privacy. Mention that it's better to raise the topic when you're not having sex and that if it's a new playmate, it's best to wait until you've had a few dates before bringing it up.

In the fifth section, discuss the importance of asking with confidence, giving a confident delivery and reminding yourself that there's nothing wrong with you for wanting this. Mention that this may open up a discussion about your partner's fantasies or desires and make some room to hear about them.

In the sixth section, discuss the importance of being flexible and making room for a partner's different response. Mention that if your partner isn't interested, you can still have lots of fun with it on your own, using your fingers or toys. If you're monogamous and your partner isn't interested, recommend being honest about your intention to explore prostate play alone to avoid damaging trust in the relationship.

In the seventh section, emphasize that prostate play can be incredibly fun for both the giver and the receiver, but it's not for everyone. Mention that while you encourage introducing the topic, make room for your partner to have a different response. If they're not into it, suggest that they take a look at this book to learn more about it.

Response:
**CHAPTER** **8**

**BRINGING UP THE TOPIC: A GUIDE FOR HIM AND HER**

#  **WHY GUY–GIRL COUPLES ARE EXPLORING PROSTATE PLAY**

More and more male–female pairs are discovering prostate play and having a grand time doing it. There are plenty of men who want to explore this, and who want to do it with a woman. Fortunately, there are lots of women who are happy to accommodate!

Why? To give him pleasure. Because it's hot to see him feeling so good. Because playing with taboo can be a real turn-on. For the excitement of trying something new. To do something "naughty." Because the role reversal of having her do the penetration while he receives it can be a thrilling new experience. And for the intimacy and trust that  comes with him opening himself up in this way.

People who are interested in erotic dominance and submission may find that prostate play lends itself well because of the vulnerability involved and the possibility of a "forced" orgasm. Others may do it in a way that is totally vanilla, sweet and sensual, with no suggestion of dominance and submission.

Many straight couples simply view it as a natural turnabout for the attentions he may have given to her ass or G-spot. One couple learned about the "male G-spot" while looking for information about the female G-spot. The woman said, "We did research to stimulate mine and found information about his, and it piqued his curiosity." They had already played with her ass and explored her G-spot, so exploring his seemed like a perfectly natural next step.

#  **THE BENEFITS OF TAKING TURNS**

_**"The bottoming I've done has really improved my topping."**_

In addition to being lots of fun, prostate play can help improve your sex life in some surprising ways. First off, one of the more common complaints of women about male partners is that they go too fast. A lot of guys want to rush right to the penetration, which can be difficult enough for vaginal sex, but it's especially likely to limit fun and pleasurable anal play. For most men, sex is something that happens outside the body. Once you've experienced what it's like to feel something enter your body, you're more able to realize how your mood, your emotions, and your physical sensations in that moment can  affect your ability to catch instead of pitch. Not to mention that you develop a better appreciation for the value of warming up and getting turned on.

On the flip side, many women who use strap-on dildos discover how much work, responsibility, and (sometimes) power can be part of fucking someone. And they don't even need to worry about whether their penis will stay hard or ejaculate too soon! Lots of people we've spoken with have much more understanding and compassion for their partners after trying out prostate play, whether by hand or with toys. So when you try it out, pay attention to what you notice and what you feel. You just might find that the rest of your sex life gains a lot from the experience.

#  **REASONS FOR HESITATION**

Many men, especially straight men, are reluctant to tell their female partners that they want to explore prostate play. Sometimes it is the woman who wants to suggest this kind of play, but hesitates. If finding the prostate didn't involve going up his ass, it probably would not be so much of an issue—it would likely be viewed as no different from playing with any other part of the male sex equipment. But unfortunately, because our culture has a lot of baggage around the ass, anal pleasure, and male-receptive penetration in particular, all these issues come up for prostate play.

These concerns are common, but they are not impossible to overcome. If you or your partner has concerns about cleanliness, check out chapter 4, Hygiene. And if either of you has  concerns such as "Who's playing the man's role?" or "Does it mean he's gay?," check out chapter 13, Real Men Don't, where we discuss these issues in depth.

_"My partner was totally into it, and I actually started playing with his prostate and fucking him in the ass at his request. I did have some reservations about it (being from the Midwest and all); it truly was "the last taboo" for me, but his turn-on from it was undeniable and his desire was true, so I said yes, and was surprised at how much I enjoyed getting him off that way."_

_"[...] I didn't raise the issue of anal play until after we had been having sex for a few months—I think out of concern that she might be repelled by the idea, but as it turned out she wasn't."_

_"I think my boyfriend was shy about asking me to penetrate him because he had some shame and fear of rejection around his desire for anal play, but I had no inhibitions about it."_

_"If it's something that he wants to try, and that I want to try, we'll do it."_

#  **OPEN THE CONVERSATION**

Bringing up the subject of prostate play can be a very easy thing or it can be rather complex. It depends a lot on your relationship with your partner, how they feel about prostate play and anal penetration, your sexual and relationship history together, and more. Fortunately, there are some pretty easy ways to introduce the topic.

If you have a trusted partner with whom you speak freely about sex, and you feel comfortable telling them directly  about your new interest, by all means, do so! You could simply say, "I've been reading a lot about prostate massage, and I'm curious. Could we give it a go?" Or you could begin by asking what your partner knows about the prostate as a sex organ: "Have you heard of prostate massage?" If they don't know anything about it, you might need to bring them up to date before you ask if they are interested in trying it.

If this feels too risky to you, you can take a more subtle approach. You might open the conversation more casually: "I was web-surfing the other day and I found a website about prostate health. Did you know that prostate massage may benefit prostate health?" Just be mindful that sometimes this sneaky approach backfires! Some people are so conditioned to renounce "taboo" subjects of conversation that they would immediately deny any interest in prostate massage, because, ironically, they are afraid of what _you_ might think of them if you thought _they_ were interested.

Some men with female partners get into the conversation by talking about the prostate as the male equivalent of the G-spot—this works especially well if the couple has already been exploring her G-spot, or, for that matter, her ass. That way, she can relate to the pleasure that you are asking for. You might say, "Earlier today I read something about the 'male G-spot.' Have you heard of that?"

Whatever you do, don't say, "I've heard that some people—weirdos!—like to massage their prostate by sticking their fingers up their asses—of all places!—isn't that weird??" If you are going to feel out your partner's response by making a casual mention of the prostate, be sure to do it in a way that  doesn't reinforce the stigma attached to male anal penetration. If you ask in a way that conveys ambivalence on your part, it isn't likely to dispose your partner to say yes.

For many people who have a freak-out response, it's not really about prostate massage—it's about male anal penetration. This is the real trigger, because this is what is loaded with taboo. To avoid this, deemphasize the idea of anal penetration and emphasize the prostate pleasure. Remind your partner that the prostate is actually a part of the male genital organs, but since it is buried deep in the pelvis, the way to reach it is through the neighboring rectum.

If you're hesitant to bring the topic up because you expect that your partner will have a negative reaction, you might want to reconsider. We've talked with people who held back from talking about prostate play and other kinds of sex only to discover that their partner was doing exactly the same thing! When you don't ask for what you want, you're a lot less likely to get it. If you talk about it, you still might not get it, but your odds improve a lot. So take a deep breath and ask what your partner thinks. They may also be trying to get up the courage to do just that.

##  **Timing**

When you are opening the conversation on a new and potentially touchy subject, timing is crucial. Make sure you have privacy—if your partner is tense about the subject, even people in the next room could put them on edge. Do it at a time when your partner is calm and relaxed and you are feeling open and connected.

Make sure that you are both available to talk at length if necessary. Don't do it before one of you has to rush off to a dinner date or a business meeting. Likewise, choose an opportunity when you can take some time to be apart if necessary, in case the conversation goes poorly.

It's often better to raise the topic when you're not having sex. That's because surprises during sex have an unfortunate tendency to trigger a bigger response, so if your partner has any negative reactions, they may get magnified. Of course, that's not always the case. Plenty of people have confessed their fantasies during the heat of passion and had it work out quite well. But lots of people have had the disclosure go awry because they brought it up during sex. We think your odds are better if you're not already turned on when you talk about it for the first time.

Lastly, if it's a new playmate, unless you have reason to think they'd be into this, it's probably a good idea to wait until you've had a few dates before you bring it up.

##  **Ask with Confidence**

When you do ask for it, ask with confidence. Whenever you are making any kind of pitch to anyone, your expectations have a major impact on the way you ask. And likewise, the way you ask has a big effect on the kind of answer you get.

If a fellow is expecting to be shot down, he might say, "So… I was kinda thinking that, you know, maybe…you could bend me over and…you know—use your hands on me. I mean—if you're into that!… Unless you don't want to..." Odds are, he will indeed get shot down! Your chances are  much better if you give a confident delivery: "You know, I've heard a lot of good things about prostate massage. I know we've never done anything like that before but I'm curious to try. What do you think?"

Interest in prostate play is more common than most people realize. Even if your partner isn't interested in doing it with you, there's nothing wrong with you for wanting this. Remind yourself of that before you bring it up.

This may also open up a discussion about your partner's fantasies or desires. Make some room to hear about them and be as willing to explore them as you'd like your partner to be around your own interests. Who knows? This might be the start of a whole new phase in your erotic relationship.

#  **BE FLEXIBLE**

You never know how a person will react to being asked to explore prostate play. Be prepared for a variety of responses: they may be enthusiastic, they may be curious but hesitant, they may feel entirely neutral—not opposed, but not particularly jazzed either. They may be freaked out and completely against the idea. They may have several different feelings all at once. Try to be sensitive to their reaction.

_**"My wife feels that it's gross."**_

If a freak-out happens, the initial reaction will tend to be the worst. Your partner may come around after talking with you about their concerns, but they may be too worked up to have that conversation right away, so give them a little space.  Don't bring it up again for a few days so they have time to think about it without feeling pressured.

When you reopen the conversation, you might ask directly: "What is it about the idea of prostate massage that bothers you?" Try to talk over their concerns without feeling defensive. If you think it would be helpful, give them this book to read. But don't push someone who simply isn't interested or try to shame them for being a prude—neither of these approaches will get you the enthusiastic playmate that you want.

A partner's lack of interest doesn't mean that there's something wrong with your desires. Whatever they are hung up on, it is about them—not about you. Preferences around sex are like preferences around food—just because your partner doesn't like cheesecake doesn't mean you shouldn't have a slice. Similarly, if your partner isn't interested in prostate play and you're monogamous, you can still have lots of fun with it on your own, using your fingers (if you can manage) or toys.

If you are in an ongoing relationship with a partner who is not interested in exploring your prostate with you, and you want to go it alone, we recommend that you be honest about this intention. If you hide it from them and they find out, they may be very hurt and upset. The act of hiding it sends the message _I'm doing something you think is wrong, so I need to keep it from you._ It will likely damage the trust in your relationship because they will wonder what else you might be keeping from them. It could easily turn out to be a bigger deal than it would have been if you'd been honest in the first place.

Sometimes all it takes to work things out is a little flexibility around how you'll do prostate play. For example, if  your partner is OK with massaging your prostate with a finger but not strap-on play, or open to your wearing a butt plug during other kinds of sex, that gives you lots of options. And of course, maybe things will change over time, as they so often do. So rather than getting into a big fight over it, look for some common ground. This will be much easier if you can both be honest about your thoughts and feelings.

One of the most important things to remember when it comes to prostate play is that it can be incredibly fun for both the giver and the receiver. And something else to keep in mind: as with any kind of sex, it's not for everyone. So while we absolutely encourage you to introduce the topic, make room for your partner to have a different response. If they're not into it, suggest that they take a look at this book. Maybe the root of their reaction is unfamiliarity with the topic. And quite possibly, once they learn a bit about why people do it and how it works, they'll be up for giving it a shot too!