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**CHAPTER** **7**

**EARLY SEXUAL EXPERIENCES**

_I had my first orgasm when I was five years old in a strawberry patch, lying on my belly and only barely moving. I felt guilty._

_The first time I came it was like a flower opening up, with all these intense, brilliant colors._

_When I was twenty-two or twenty-three, I'd read about orgasms but not had them. I figured I'd try masturbation, which I hadn't done previously. The second or third try I suddenly was rather taken over with a "Wow, I'm not stopping—this feels wonderful," and, continuing clitoral stimulation, reached a gasping shuddering orgasm. "So that's it!" I thought._

_I had my first orgasm when I was about twelve, watching a horror movie!_

_My first ever orgasm with another person was from kissing only._

_When I was thirteen I thought about how I could imitate the sensations of sex, and I came up with water pressure. I spent a lot of time having orgasms under the bath faucet as a teen._

_I had my first orgasm masturbating, when I was twenty-five. I'd only just discovered that women masturbate._

The question I most enjoyed asking women was about their first orgasm. The answers nearly always brought smiles, fond memories of such an amazing discovery.

A few women I heard from couldn't remember their very first orgasm, possibly because they had been having them from such a very young age. Or they may have been sexually active for some time and experiencing very mild orgasms. For these women, it was a gradual process of letting the sensation flow. This was the case of a thirty-three-year-old who wrote that she experimented with a vibrator and, after several weeks, "realized she was having them." Some orgasms are not powerful enough to be clearly distinguishable from other peaks of sexual pleasure.

On the other hand, many women are amazed by their first experience of orgasm. It can be frightening the first time, especially if you're not expecting it.

_My first orgasm happened when I was thirteen or fourteen, using the showerhead. I didn't know what had happened. I didn't know about orgasms, and I thought something was wrong._

_I wish my mother had told me about orgasms, because the first time I came I was quite alarmed; I didn't know what was happening to my body._

Terry told me that at the age of four she was in the tub making bubbles by churning the water between her legs with her hands, when suddenly she had a wonderful sensation. Many of the questionnaire respondents wrote that their first experience of orgasm was either in the tub or using a flexible showerhead. Linda described sitting in the bathtub at the age of seven:

_I used to love to take long hot baths, and one day it occurred to me to scoot down, spread my legs, and put myself under the falling water. I had the most fabulous orgasm, and from then on that's what I did every day! It was great, really great._

Lisa was already an adult before she tried it in the tub:

 _My first orgasm happened when I was twenty-one, in the bathtub with my legs up the wall, letting the water pour onto me. I'd had trouble having orgasms before that, and I was advised to use the bathtub trick by a friend. I feel very grateful to her. It was like finally getting what I was after. I loved it._

Plenty of children grew up without convenient sources of running water beneath which they could position themselves, or else they didn't think about that potential, but there are many other ways of stimulating the right spot.

_I was eight the first time I had an orgasm, watching a cowboy show on TV and using my pillow for a horse!_

Now we know why so many kids squirm around so much and why grownups are always trying to make them sit still! Victoria and Marya were both seven years old and both climbing poles.

_I was climbing a pole on a swing set, and suddenly I got this pleasurable and powerful sensation. It was a complete, very strong body orgasm. I wanted that feeling again, and I squirmed about on the pole, then felt very self-conscious. I told someone I liked climbing the pole, and they said, "Yeah, we could tell." After that I investigated the place between my legs where I figured the sensation had come from, and found my feel-good spot, as I called it. I played with it regularly._

_It was very different from any other time I climbed a pole! It felt great. From then on I regularly climbed poles and ropes and doors to masturbate. Then when I was twelve, I saw some boys feeling up another girl in class, so I started touching myself and fantasizing about the boys touching me, and I discovered that was an easier way of coming._

Come to think of it, I remember now what fun it was sliding down those thick wooden banisters in big old houses.

Jana was nine years old, thinking about her favorite teacher at school:

 _I was just lying there in bed thinking about Miss Paterson, and all of a sudden I had this wonderful feeling. After that I had an occasional orgasm from touching myself._

Linci was eleven when she discovered a new sensation:

 _I was always rubbing on things, and one day something happened! I masturbated regularly. I shared a bed with my two sisters, and it was a great thrill to be in bed with them and not wake them up while I masturbated._

At six years old, Judy was touching herself in bed when she experienced an intensely pleasurable sensation. She tried it again the next night and the same thing happened, so from then on she masturbated every night.

Elizabeth learned to masturbate when she was six while waiting for a teacher to take her to the toilet. Because she was desperate to have a pee, she was crossing her legs tightly and found that it felt really good. From then on she touched herself regularly, and two years later she had her first orgasm from stroking her clitoris.

Donna was reading in bed at the age of eight or nine, with the sheets bunched up between her legs, rubbing on them without even realizing it, when she had what she called "a nice, fun experience." For a while she was fascinated and played around with it a lot, though she says she never masturbated regularly. Another woman wrote that she had an affair with her pillow; she used to stuff it down the bed between her legs, lie on her side, and wiggle it. She was often worried that her parents would find it and want to know why it was there.

Two women said their first orgasms came through being licked by the  family dog. Another told me she was around nine when she first came by rubbing herself through satiny undies. And another wrote of coming while being touched by a boy she was playing with, when they were both six years old.

#  **A Child's View of Sex**

Many children don't know what sex is, or they have been told that sex involves two people, so it is quite possible for a child to touch herself without having any idea that she's being sexual.

_From early childhood I masturbated regularly, though I had no idea what I was doing, no idea it had anything to do with "sex." I would rub around and around on my clitoral shaft, just above my clitoris (not that I knew what that was either), and it didn't even feel very pleasurable until all of a sudden the feeling "caught"—those were the words I thought of at the time. Those seconds of pleasure were, I realized as an adult, baby orgasms._

They're just experimenting with their bodies, finding out what it's like being alive. If they're not specifically warned not to touch themselves "down there," they're unlikely to have any moral judgments attached to it; even if they are told that it's taboo, they may think of it in the same way as they think of defecating, or walking around naked: everybody does it, you just mustn't do it in public.

Many girls don't realize that masturbation is about sex until they are a lot older, because the fumbling attempts of teenage boys to "get in their pants" feel very different from the nice feelings they have been giving themselves. Victoria, who later came to enjoy sex with men, says that in her early teens:

 _I never associated what the boys wanted from me with what I did to myself. I didn't like the feel of their hands on my body, and I hated the way they kissed me._

Although many women had their first orgasms by fortunate accident, Jean's first orgasm, at the age of thirteen, was intentional. She had heard about  them, and she wanted one. She read about vibrators and tried the handle of an electric toothbrush on her clitoris, with delightful results. It is very refreshing to hear about women who were consciously sexual as children and felt good about it, like Joy, who grew up in a family where sex was perceived in a positive light. By the time she was eleven or twelve she was very interested in sex:

 _I assembled all the information that I could about it: a scientific manual on human sexuality that gave mechanics and various actions in a dry, clinical tone that I'd found in a box of books in my grandmother's attic; a handwritten piece of porn that one of my young friends had found in her uncle's military trunk and brought to school to giggle over (very male, heterosexual slant with unrealistic acts and strange terms); a "soft porn" book about "nymphomaniacs" that I'd managed to buy at a local convenience store; and a couple of True Confession-type magazines. But none of this really seemed to apply to me or my budding erotic fantasies, although it gave me an idea what kinds of things people did together, as well as what some people (mostly heterosexual guys) thought was exciting. Anyway, I've identified myself as a writer since the age of seven, so I did what came naturally and wrote my own "smut" to satisfy my specific adolescent needs. As I recall, it was a shoot-'em-up space opera and spy thriller in which an adventurous heroine is captured by space pirates, tied up, tortured by a whip-wielding, evil, and beautiful alien woman, and eventually rescued by the sexy young hero with whom she falls in love and, of course, into bed. So it was this very personal piece I was rereading and fantasizing over, when suddenly my whole body spasmed very pleasurably, a sensation that I only later realized was an orgasm. And I wasn't even touching myself! Pure mental stimulation. The brain really is the main sex organ!_

#  **Growing Up Without Information**

Most women who are now over forty had no access to factual information on sex when they were young, and many responded to the dictates of society by "appropriately" burying, or at least controlling, their sexual desire. Jana recounts this conversation with her mother:

 _She asked me about being a lesbian, so I was trying to explain my attraction to women. I said, "You know when you feel turned on?" She said, "No." I said, "You know when you feel like you want sex?" She said, "Don't be silly; women don't have sex drives, only men have sex drives!" I said, "But I have a sex drive." She said, "Well, that's because you're queer."_

Historically, women were not expected to enjoy sex, and it was incidental if they did. Ignorance of sexual matters was normal; too bad that it caused (and still causes) a great deal of unhappiness.

Sari, who grew up in the 1940s and '50s, never questioned that she would remain a virgin until she got married, although she was very interested in sex.

_When I grew up, the rules were there; you didn't have to make the decision not to have sex until you were married, because it had been made for you by society. I didn't know I had a clitoris until I was in college! Of course, there were girls who were sexually active, and my parents made sure that I didn't associate with girls like that. They wouldn't have talked about sex, but they talked about them being from the wrong side of the tracks._

It is important to remember that contraception was not readily available to single women until the 1970s. Most women were understandably reluctant to have a lot of sex, because lots of sex meant lots of babies, as well as social disapproval. Sari had a hysterectomy in her thirties. Whether because the fear of pregnancy was removed or as a result of the natural process of getting older, Sari became sexually adventurous:

 _My assertiveness and my desire, within a marriage mind you, were an absolute turn-off for my husband. I finally had grabbed hold of my sexuality, and he didn't want it. In those days there were such strong stereotypes about who was to be the aggressor, the assertive one. I was really changing, and what I was becoming was not who he had married._

#  **Embracing Our Passion**

Passionate, powerful women still aren't popular. Donna and Victoria both said that they find people are wary of them because of their ease with their sexuality and the intensity of their sexual desire. The label "nymphomaniac" is generally used to describe a woman who scares men so much that they can't maintain an erection in her presence. Dr. Joan Spiegel has this definition:

 _A nymphomaniac is a woman who wants one more orgasm or a little more stimulation than her partner wants to give her._

It is far more acceptable these days for a woman to be freely passionate and to have many partners. The sexual revolution of the 1970s was not the glorious opening up to sexual desire that it was purported to be for all women, but it was a beginning—at least people started talking about sex. Masters and Johnson published their research1 and then there was The Hite Report2—the first real statement from women about women's sexuality.

Unfortunately we are now dealing with backlash from the political and religious right. The importance of "family values," meaning that women must get married, stay home, and have kids, saturates the media. As Deborah Sundahl says:

 _Any time women get close to claiming the force of nature within them, society and the church come down on them._

#  **Negative Messages**

Without repressive influences, I believe most of us would naturally be aware of and proud of our sexual desires from a very young age. Sexual excitation during birth, both for the mother and the baby, is not at all unusual. When  we are born we are full of our mother's hormones. Baby boys are born with erections, and very young baby girls can have orgasms.

_I remember masturbating and having orgasms when I was still in the crib._

Children exhibit very different rates of sexual awareness. In some instances (unfortunately rare) they are encouraged to investigate their own sexuality at their own rate without being influenced one way or another. The majority of girls are still discouraged from actively exploring their own sexuality, and they may find it impossible to locate well-intentioned sources of information.

_I looked and looked for pornography when I was in my early teens because I was already sexually active, and I knew there must be more to sex than what was happening to me. When I was fifteen a girl came to stay the night, and asked me as we whispered in bed, "Have you ever masturbated?" I didn't know what she meant, said "No," and she placed her fingers on my clitoris and showed me how to move my fingers. But then she told everyone at school that I had "initiated" sex with her, and she wouldn't talk to me. I was so confused._

Women who feel comfortable touching their own genitals are a lot more likely to have orgasms early in life than women who aren't comfortable touching themselves. Many women have their first orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris with their own fingers. I know that if I had had years to practice the gradual buildup of sensation that resulted from touching myself, my first orgasm would have been a much smoother and easier experience—and it would have happened much earlier. At a young age, I was smacked for touching myself between my legs, teaching me that no matter who else might touch me there, I was not to touch myself.

Negative associations around masturbation are even easier to pick up than negative associations around sex in general. After all, sex is necessary in order to have children, but masturbation is never necessary. A number of the questionnaire respondents reported that they were very concerned about being caught touching themselves, and absolutely no one said that they ever thought it was anything but taboo.

Being caught masturbating was the lead-in Laura's father used when he molested her. As a result Laura has a strong emotional reaction against masturbation, and she did not do it for many years:

 _It used to be that I couldn't even stand the word_ masturbation. _I've just recently got to where I can say the word and hear others talk about it and not get totally bummed._

People from strict religious backgrounds often suffer the most:

 _When I was eleven or twelve I was at a Catholic school, and one of the nuns caught me masturbating. She took me to the Mother Superior who told me I would be reported to the authorities if I did it again. I assumed she meant the police. I carried on masturbating, but I was really careful not to get caught._

Even if the disapproval is not overt, we cannot fail to pick up the strong social taboos against masturbation. For some women, this may be enough to prevent them from touching themselves—ever. Other women continue to touch themselves but feel very bad about it.

_I believed it was sinful to touch my genitals, but I did it anyway and then prayed to God to forgive me—again and again._

I would love to see our communities provide children with somewhere to go with questions and concerns, because even if they are not being molested, they are bombarded with strange, inexplicable, and often conflicting messages.

_When I was growing up, I couldn't relate to being a woman at all, because the images of women I saw on TV didn't seem to have anything to do with me._

_I got_ The Story of O _from my dad's bookshelf when I was eleven and read it from cover to cover. It set the standard for the fantasy life of my teenage years. I got fixated on it. I wish I'd had someone to talk to about it._

It is not only girls who suffer as a result of the misinformation and lack of information with regard to sex and gender. One man wrote that he had been molested by an older woman before he reached school age. Once he started school:

 _I learned that this type of activity could cause pregnancy, and I was dead scared that I was going to be the one who would get pregnant. That fear lived with me for many years, because I didn't understand the full thing._

In an ideal world, all children would have easy access to people of integrity who are willing to talk absolutely openly and without bias about sexuality. Such mentors would be people with a nonjudgmental understanding of human nature. They would be people with innate wisdom and compassion, secure in their own sexuality. Above all, they would be people who could be trusted not to act inappropriately.

In a healthy society no one would ever have to deny their sexual feelings, and guidance would be readily available for people of any age.3

#  **Why Some of Us Love Our Sexual Selves and Some of Us Don't**

Unlike a boy, a girl has no unavoidable visuals to grab her attention, and there is no necessity for her to touch her sex organs at all. She may easily choose to ignore what's going on between her legs. So if she gets a thorough training in ignoring her feelings, she can apply that training to any feelings that originate there. Yet some of us are able to ignore negative messages about sexuality. This may be sometimes due to a stronger hormonal influence, since hormones obviously vary enormously from one person to another. However, I don't believe there is such a thing as absolute biological destiny. Biology is affected by experience. It's possible (though not necessarily easy) to learn to control the chemicals (hormones and others) that affect our bodies and our emotions, through meditation, breathing exercises, and relaxation, for instance. At the very least, it is a two-way process: psychological and emotional states affect our physiological chemistry, and the chemicals our bodies produce affect us psychologically and emotionally. The process of being human  is exactly that—a process, not something static that can be delineated by science.

Timing could be another factor. A girl who has the kind of body that reaches orgasm easily—perhaps as a result of having a sensitive clitoris—may be more likely to experience sexual pleasure early on in life, before she has felt the full brunt of social disapproval. If she has already associated sex with feeling good, she may be able to ignore any external negative messages, and carry on being sexual throughout her life.

And some children just feel good about themselves, or at least their sexuality, in spite of the negative messages, and are willing to keep experimenting with their bodies until the point of orgasm. A vivid imagination is certainly a bonus.

Not having orgasms often stems from the need to exert emotional or mental control over the physical body, and that need can be learned at a very young age, depending on a child's upbringing and social environment. A combination of repressive religious and cultural attitudes with negative personal experiences of abuse may be enough to give any child a strong bias against letting herself go into orgasm. Clara asks:

 _Did someone walk in on me masturbating as a child, and punish me? Was it enough that all the images I was ever fed of "sexy" women were nymphomaniacs and whores? Even now that I do have orgasms, I still struggle with the fact that I could have more fun if I could let go more. Whatever holds me back is not conscious._

Let's be thankful for the natural human drive to experience passion, which enables some women, in spite of everything, to overcome such negative conditioning.

#  **When Sex Is Sex and When It's Not**

Part of our healing around sex must include redefining what we mean by it. In Western society, sex generally denotes a very specific and limited act that involves a man and a woman having penile-vaginal intercourse. Obviously, I believe sex is much more than that. For me, the word sex itself describes a vast array of sensations and feelings, and may not involve  touching someone at all. People have sex over the phone and on the Internet, and for some, this can be perfectly satisfying.

_I've often had orgasms without anyone touching me—online, on the phone._

But just as it is possible to have great sex without actual physical contact, it is also possible to experience genital stimulation without feeling sexual. The experience of being aroused occurs on many different levels. A total turn-on involves the physical, the mental, the emotional, and the spiritual. Plenty of women go through the act of sex without even a physical turn-on. Or they might be aroused but not show the "normal" signs of being physically turned on. Women who suffer from vaginismus, for instance, can get sexually excited and even have full-blown orgasms, but their vaginas never relax and open up. They remain tightly spasmed. Conversely, a woman might show physiological signs of a sexual response and still not be turned on because she is not truly present in her body. She has learned to absent herself from the physical experience, and she is not being touched on an emotional, mental, or spiritual level either. Many women have learned to divorce themselves from physical arousal in this way, even when their genitals are responsive to touch. Their bodies may or may not be responding, but their inner core is experiencing nothing that can be called sexual.

Why would a person go through the motions of having sex when she is not experiencing sexual pleasure? There are many different reasons. Perhaps she has been told it is her wifely duty. Maybe she is a child and believes she doesn't have the right to refuse an adult. Maybe she is being raped, and she physically cannot resist or is afraid of what will happen if she tries. Maybe she wants or expects something in return from the person she is doing it with. Maybe she wants physical affection and feels she cannot get it any other way. Maybe she is looking for love and thinks this might be a way of finding it. She could be drunk or drugged. Maybe she finds the _idea_ of having sex exciting even though she doesn't enjoy the physical act; it could be a game to seduce people, one that gives her a sense of personal power. Maybe she wants to get pregnant. Maybe she has no idea what sex actually is and doesn't realize there is something missing, but she wants the kudos of having a partner, or partners, and she  knows that offering her body is one way to hook them in. She wants to be wanted. Being good at playing the game of sex is one way to be wanted.

_When I was younger, I was gathering a list of how many boys I could screw. It wasn't anything to do with sex—it was a kind of ownership thing._

_In my first year at college I went round seducing every man I could. I didn't get turned-on at all with them. That wasn't the point._

#  **Sexual Abuse of Children**

We have a great deal of work to do to heal ourselves and our society from the results of our negative attitudes, not just about sex but about life in general. We must examine the ways we bring up our children. Many people don't understand how childhood sexual abuse is perpetuated. I want to give some examples from my own childhood to illustrate how girls are trained not to say no.

In spite of the fact that there were few overt sexual references made in the house where I was brought up, there were plenty of covert sexual innuendoes going on. Although a number of men related to me sexually in subtle or less subtle ways, people were very invested in pretending that nothing serious was going on. I participated in the denial because I knew I would be punished if I didn't, and anyway I had absolutely no words for it, so I could not talk about it. Yet I knew very well what sexual energy was, and I felt it from several men, both visitors and family members. My parents could have intervened and said, _"No, she can't sit on your lap right now. No, you may not pull her toward you like that. No, she doesn't have to kiss you good night. No, you can't read her a bedtime story. No, it's not appropriate for you to take her up and tuck her into bed."_

Arguing would have been a constant struggle, and a number of people would have been offended.

My grandfather, who lived with us, always wanted me and my sister to sit on his knee and give him kisses (needless to say, this was never required of my brother). When I reached puberty, my father told him we were too old to be treated that way, so he stopped it. I was relieved, since I hated my  grandfather's prickly mustache, but at the same time, I couldn't work out what was supposed to have changed. Why was it okay for my grandfather to have access to our bodies before we reached puberty and not afterward?

You could say, as everyone else at the time would have if they had thought about it (which they carefully didn't), that since these men "didn't go very far," meaning it wasn't physically invasive, it wasn't "sexual." Whether they were being sexual or not really misses the point. It wasn't okay that they were allowed to make demands on my body at all. And the fact that I experienced them as demands that I couldn't refuse is what matters, not that, in someone else's opinion, they didn't go very far. Along with my other childhood experiences, they went quite far enough for me to learn that when a man wanted access to my body, I had no choice but to give in to him, on a daily basis.

The fact that for years I experienced my grandfather's way of relating to me as invasive was completely overlooked—it was of no consequence at all. It is still very much a normal facet of childrearing in our society that children are not offered choices in what happens to them. They are told what to wear, when and what to eat, and when to go to bed. Children beneath a certain age need this kind of direction; up to a point it is entirely appropriate and necessary. However, they are also frequently told when to speak and when to be silent, what to read and what not to read, what opinions to express and which ones to keep quiet about. These kinds of limits can be dangerous when they impinge on a child's right to say no. My grandfather's constant demands for kisses were a daily reminder that he had the right of access to my body. When I complained to my parents, they told me I was a bad girl. So I learned that I didn't have the right to control what happened to my own body. This legacy manifested in my teenage years when I didn't have the conviction to fend off the teenage boys who marauded my body. We cannot expect children brought up without the right to limit what is done to their bodies to suddenly develop a sense of that right when they reach puberty.

#  **Recovery**

Statistics indicate that at least one out of every three girls will be molested by the time they are eighteen4. Not all of them are affected negatively by the experience. Those who are traumatized vary enormously in how  easily they are able to recover. Some girls remain sexually active, some in unhealthy and compulsive ways, and others in quite healthy and choiceful ways. Some shy away from sex altogether. Molestation often goes hand in hand with other forms of abuse, and these may affect us on many levels, so although we might be able to reclaim our sexuality, we may not be able to keep it together in other areas of our lives. The good news is that the process of healing brings with it a renewed level of awareness, a sense of personal power, and the ability to be fully present.

_I was molested consistently between the ages of five and seven, and there were many other incidents of sexual abuse from different sources as I was growing up. I began to experience depression in my early teens soon after becoming sexually active by choice. The act of intercourse was painful, but my perspective of the sexual activity was that it was a weapon: I was a conqueror. My self-esteem quickly began to plummet from the internal conflict of that perspective, and by my early twenties I was severely depressed and suicidal. After a particularly violent episode, and with the encouragement of several people around me, I sought psychiatric treatment. I underwent classic Freudian psychotherapy three times weekly for three years. Though I have always been aware of my abuse incidences, it was not until regression under hypnosis that I actually discovered that the cause of my pain with intercourse was from the initial perpetration. Soon after this discovery, the pain with intercourse dissipated. My life truly began to turn around, however, after the psychiatrist cleverly arranged for several of my appointments to be at the local state mental hospital. The reality of true craziness, toward which I was running headlong, shocked me into cleaning up my act. My suicidal tendencies, overall depression, and my willingness to live as a victim rapidly began to fall away from me. I took back my power as an individual and my self-esteem started to heal and grow._

_I know I would not be alive today, not as healed and whole, if it were not for my psychotherapy._

_I was molested by a couple of teenage boys when I was eight. That was terribly embarrassing. When I was nine I was molested by an old alcoholic at the stable where I rode. I remember I was more worried about keeping him away from my younger sister than I was about myself._

_I was sexually abused by at least twelve people from a very young age until I was sixteen. How have I healed from it? Therapy, connecting with other incest survivors, having sex when I want to, having the kind of sex I want, never having sex when I don't want to, nurturing myself, pagan ritual, connecting with nature, struggling and growing and combating the incest dynamics in my family with my mother, talking about it at both appropriate and "inappropriate" times (being very out about it), writing about it, developing and connecting with spirit guides, and above all learning to love myself exactly as I am. I spent about seven years being very afraid of sex, but now being sexually active is important to me. Since my body was sexually controlled as a child, I feel a pretty strong need to feel in control of my sexuality now. This includes nonexclusivity (being sexual with whomever I want regardless of who I am already being sexual with), a sensitivity on my lover's part to my incest issues (need for safety, etc.), and an on-and-off need to have really good sex._

**—KASEJA LAURINE WILDER**

Doris, who is now forty-seven, was repeatedly abused by her brother from the age of six onward, and then raped by him as a teenager.

_The molestation really hurt; it was very painful. As a result I cut myself off from all my feelings until about two years ago. I never went out with anyone. I never had a date, and I didn't know what a date was. I never explored my own body or touched myself. My life was just depression and numbness. I thought that sex, making love, and rape were all the same—they were all rape._

Barbara was molested as a preteen, and grew up in a family where sex and bodies were taboo subjects:

_My mother was disgusted by anything to do with bodies and sexuality; her revulsion was as pervasive as the air that I breathed. Somehow I started masturbating and having orgasms when I was about sixteen. This might be on the list of miracles! But there's still this really strong mechanism in place in me to deny sexual feelings. Even now I often catch myself suppressing and denying my turn-ons. I often have the experience of making love to my partner and not being aware of being aroused. I'm always surprised to discover that I'm wet!_

Part of the healing process for those of us who have been abused is getting in touch with our rage at being treated as though our own needs and feelings were of no importance. This may be very difficult since women are generally discouraged from showing anger. It may manifest in covert ways, emerging as an ongoing dissatisfaction with our partners, perhaps, coupled with a refusal to take the lead in changing the dynamic. Or it may simply be difficulty in taking responsibility for our own lives—a hard thing to do when we spent our childhoods being told we should not and could not do so. If we were out of touch with our needs and feelings as children, how can we suddenly get in touch with them as adults? Of course we keep on trying to repress them! Old habits, when developed very young, die very hard.

It's possible to go through our lives thoroughly repressed, with only the vaguest sense of discomfort, which we quickly put aside whenever it gets close to the surface. There are so many ways to distract ourselves from that sense of discomfort: television, work, books, videos, drugs, alcohol, sports—the list is endless. If you are willing to put up with a mediocre life, it can be easy and comfortable to stay in denial. Healing requires telling the truth, and that can get you into big trouble since so many people are invested in maintaining the status quo—which usually means lying.

When I talk about having good sex, I am talking about the kind of sex that requires healing. It requires that you have a sense of absolute autonomy over your body, and if you are going to develop that, you have to be in touch with what your body wants. That means you have to get in touch with the truth of who you are and what your feelings are. Instead of ignoring that sense of discomfort (the one that you occasionally catch out of the corner of your eye before you hurriedly turn away), you must face  it head-on. You must also be willing to face the massive array of "unacceptable" feelings that may come up as a result. This is what I call having integrity, which is about being integrated, being a whole human being. It means you have taken the courageous step of being totally honest with yourself. Being honest with other people can only happen when you are honest with yourself. It may mean massive changes in your life. You will have to stop blaming altogether, though you may go through fits of rage as you acknowledge that you have been treated very badly. Your life may be turned upside down. On the other hand, it is possible to heal, and there are resources to help survivors in the process of healing (some are listed in the Resources section). It may be hard, and it will be worth it.

I hear the reader saying, surely I can have good sex without doing this!? Well, yes, you can, within limits. But you cannot reach the full potential of your sexuality if you are not fully present, just as you cannot reach your full potential as a human being if you are not fully present. And being fully present—undistracted—requires a willingness to be completely honest.

#  _**Notes**_

1 William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, _Human Sexual Response_ (Ishi Press, 2010). Originally published in 1966.

2 Shere Hite, _The Hite Report: A National Study of Female Sexuality_ (Seven Stories Press, 2004). Originally published in 1976.

3 Scarleteen.com is such a resource for teenagers, but there is not currently an equivalent resource for preteens or younger children.

4 The Massachusetts Caucus of Women Legislators, 1997. For more statistics about violence against girls and women, Feminist.com has a comprehensive list (www.feminist.com/antiviolence/facts.html).


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**CHAPTER** **8**

**RELATIONSHIPS**

Relationships occur on many levels. Some are not physical at all, but we may be sure that any sexual relationship is occurring _at least_ on a physical level; the way you relate to your own body and to your partner's body is going to affect the quality of the sex you have. So this chapter starts with bodies.

_Don't use being unhappy with your body as an excuse not to take care of your body, and not to cherish it. One of the nicest things you can do for your body is have sex, whether with yourself or with someone else._

**—NIGHTOWL**

People tend to believe that you have to be beautiful in order to get sex, but the truth is that sex (from self-stimulation, or with a partner) can make you beautiful. The _afterglow_ that surrounds a woman who has been having powerful sex is very real and very attractive. When the energy of orgasm  sweeps through us, it leaves a charismatic residue around the person who has allowed it.

_Orgasm is a chance to let my body really take over and do what it naturally needs to do, to open up._

We are usually extremely judgmental about our own bodies. Western culture has imbued us with a deep fear of looking "wrong" from a very young age: too fat, too thin, breasts too small or too big, hair too straight or too curly, lips too thin or too fat, nose too big or too small, body hair, body odors—the list is endless. The most pervasive and damaging of all these is undoubtedly the fear of being fat; America has become a fat-phobic society. Yet our perceptions of how we look are completely subjective; in other cultures fat people are revered and admired.

For many women, learning to accept that they look just fine the way they are is a lifelong process. We struggle to believe that if someone doesn't like the way we look, it really doesn't matter, because there will always be _someone_ who does think we're beautiful. This is a huge subject beyond the scope of this book. But being uncomfortably self-conscious about our bodies is probably the single greatest factor in preventing us from being able to enjoy sex. It helps enormously to get positive reinforcement from external sources. Don't hang around with anyone who makes negative remarks about your body. Surround yourself with people who offer you a positive self-image.

#  **Bodies**

_I don't like my body a whole lot, and I certainly feel like my body image has affected my sexuality._

_As soon as my awareness was brought back to my body, how it looked, how it smelled, the products of it, the essence of my physical body, I felt excruciating shame, utter wrongness. I learned to live as if my body didn't exist._

The above quotes illustrate that some of us are a far cry from being fully present in our bodies. The first step in becoming more present is a conscious decision that you are willing to learn to trust your body and let it be in charge. This may take some practice. Take it one step at a time. Just watch how your body responds to different stimuli, letting it do what it wants to do without any censoring. This will be easier when you are on your own, when you don't have to concern yourself with someone else, or worry about what someone else is thinking of you. As we saw in Chapter Two, many women orgasm more reliably when masturbating alone than when making love with a partner. Your body knows what to do. When you feel its passion stirring, don't try to restrain it. Let it flail and shudder and shake and flutter and spasm and clench and jerk as much as it wants. Leave your mind behind. When you first start letting your body go after a lifetime of restraint, it may do some strange things. That's fine.

Decide that you are going to accept yourself just the way you are, knowing that your body can give you incredible pleasure. It may take time to get to a place where you can fully embrace this truth. Start now, by committing to make that change in your thinking. You don't need to think about how long it will take. The simple fact that you have committed to it will allow the process to begin.

_When I'm feeling self-hate, I project that onto my physical self and I feel ugly, but when I've been having a lot of sex I can get into feeling I have a very handsome, sexy fat body!_

_Because I wasn't a traditionally pretty girl, in fact was very much a physical misfit with my height and size and intellect, I got a lot of signals from society during adolescence that nobody would ever want me sexually and that I was going to miss out on something important and wonderful. I still have a lot of insecurity around this. I'm always worried that nobody's going to find me sexually attractive. Once I'm past that point, I have very few sexual hang-ups or reservations, and I've always been happily orgasmic with most of my partners._

_What's happening physically is only about 5 percent of what brings me to orgasm. The rest is what I'm thinking or feeling or fantasizing._

Stress is a killer when it comes to good sex; your body won't feel sexual when you are not able to relax. Find a way of distancing yourself from everyday stresses, and practice conscious relaxation. If you begin having sex by deciding that you _must_ have an orgasm, then you are setting up another source of stress. Don't start out with any goal other than getting to know yourself. Your body needs to be allowed to do what it wants to do with minimal interference from your mind. Let go of all "oughts" and "shoulds"; quiet the nagging judgmental voices that will effectively prevent your being able to let go.

When you first start doing this, you may encounter a lot of resistance and a lot of old blocks that feel very uncomfortable. So you may not even be having a good time. If you want to learn to have good sex, with all its attendant benefits, you have to be willing to go through this period of difficulty. It will pass more quickly if you allow yourself to feel it fully.

Let your mind range freely in whatever fantasy world comes up for you. As Nancy Friday's book, _The Secret Garden_ 1, illustrates, the range of women's fantasies is vast. Don't censor them; they may be a glorious source for your sexual turn-on, and even if they are not essential, they may very well enhance it. The wonderful thing about fantasies is that you never have to do anything about them. You don't have to act them out, or even, for that matter, admit to them. Fantasies don't have to be socially acceptable, politically correct, physically feasible, morally admirable, or legal.

Let me make it clear that when I recommend ignoring interference from your mind, it is the _judgmental_ mind I'm referring to. For some women, the mind is the most versatile sex organ.

_I've just taken on an ownership role in the company where I work, and I've realized how much the stress of having to generate a large income affects my ability to orgasm, or to be sexual at all!_

#  **Take Your Time**

If you are going to make significant changes in the quality of your sex life, you need to devote some quality time to having sex. The British condom maker, Durex, published a survey reporting that the average time spent on any single sexual interchange in the United States is the highest in the world. It is all of 25.3 minutes. If you live in Britain it is only 20.9 minutes, and in Hong Kong it is only 12.3 minutes. Well, folks, I'm sorry, but that has to change. If you want to improve your sex life I suggest you spend 25.3 minutes talking about it and two hours doing it—slowly. When you have gotten to know each other's and your own bodies, then you may be able to have satisfying sex in 25.3 minutes, although I guarantee that once you're having good sex, you will want to spend a great deal longer on it. Until then, you need to devote some serious time to having fun. If you are not willing to set aside this kind of time and energy for sex, then I suggest you explore your resistance before you do anything else, because learning to give yourself to it totally is a prerequisite for good sex. If you're resentful of the time it's taking, you'll never be able to let go into it.

Taking time for sex is a moral and/or religious issue for some women:

 _I'm sure my upbringing and early experiences had a profound effect on my sexual expression. I was brought up to believe that sex was for procreation only and not for pleasure._

#  **Partners**

If you feel that being sexual is a perfectly fine way to pass the time, but you just can't imagine having sex so good that you would want to do it for hours, then perhaps you need to look at your partner. Are you really attracted to this person? Attraction occurs on many levels; maybe you think your lover is very good-looking, and yet he or she just doesn't turn you on. We don't know what true attraction is until we have experienced it. Good looks and good sex are rarely the same thing. Someone you may not initially find physically attractive could have a touch that does it all for you. Don't limit your options. We have been socialized as to what we "should" find attractive. In some circles this is limited to a macho "hunk," while in others it is a "respectable" professional. The people who are acceptable or deemed desirable in your social circle may not be right  for you. This can be painfully true if you are gay. It may take half a lifetime for a woman to recognize that she is attracted to other women, such is the power of the social norm.

Some women, of all orientations, consistently make bad choices for lovers. If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to people who just aren't good for you, who put you down or abuse you, developing a feminist perspective on women's social roles might support the changes you need to make. We may live out our lives unconsciously following the models that were offered to us when we were growing up, and some of those models are not desirable. Are you choosing men who are like your father? Is that a good idea? Are you acting out old family patterns? A good counselor will be able to help you look at these issues.

_Desire and sexual intimacy with someone have often colored my view of that person, to my detriment._

Although trust is not an essential factor in having good sex, many women need to be in a trusting relationship in order to have really satisfying sex. Others tend to construct barriers against intimacy with people they know well, in which case they may find having sex with strangers a genuine turn-on. Take a realistic look at what is right for you. Being able to identify what is really going on requires letting go of external judgments about right and wrong.

_There is something very hot for me about having sex with someone I haven't even been introduced to._

Is your lover really attracted to you? Does he or she really _like_ you? It's doubtful that you'll have good sex with someone who puts you down because they don't actually like who you are. You need to know that your partner _wants_ to be there with you. It's no good trying to have sex with someone who isn't also working toward making it good, or someone who doesn't want to own up to his or her own issues. If you are in a partnership, you must be able to support one another even when things don't go smoothly. And you must appreciate each other in order to do that.

#  **Withholding Feelings**

Even if you are in a great relationship, you may have some unresolved issues with your lover that prevent you from being able to let go. You may love this person dearly and still have some anger or resentment that you're holding onto, perhaps because you don't want to hurt your partner, or because you are discouraged about the prospect of change, or because you are afraid of your partner's reaction. Perhaps it's just old stuff that you can't even name. You may decide in your mind that your feelings are unjustified or irrelevant, but that has absolutely nothing to do with how your body responds. Mental or intellectual reasoning rarely affect the body's responses.

_If my partner and I don't make love for a while, it's usually a sign that stuff is unsaid between us._

_When I have had difficulties with having orgasms, it's usually about stresses in my relationship rather than the physical actions._

If your body is holding itself in a state of tension because of an unexpressed feeling, then it cannot let go into orgasm. You must address the issue. _There are no unjustified feelings;_ there are many reasons to be angry or untrusting, and there are just as many ways of expressing anger without blame. Let yourself feel what you feel without judging it. The important thing is that you move through your feelings; it may not even be important to work out where they came from. Letting go of whatever you are holding onto so tenaciously may be a very long process. It may involve going to a counselor. It will certainly involve being honest, raising your level of conscious awareness, and developing the art of real communication with your partner. Honesty can be painful initially but it's always worth it in the long run, because once you have truthfully acknowledged the problem, then it can change. You can't go anywhere new without starting from where you are.

_I was with this guy for a couple of years and then the sex got to be very unsatisfying. I think what happened was that I closed down to him emotionally. I stopped having orgasms._

#  **A Great Love Doesn't Always Guarantee Great Sex**

Notice I have not asked if you love your partner. Unfortunately, loving someone does not ensure good sex with that person. You may love someone _and_ have good sex with them; you may love someone _because_ you have good sex with them; and you may love someone you don't have good sex with. I would advise you to be careful of making a commitment to anyone just because the sex is great. When we are sexual with someone, we open ourselves up to the possibility of experiencing ecstasy. This is a very powerful and wonderful state to be in, but it shouldn't be mistaken for an unlimited source of love. Nor is the person who occasions this response necessarily someone you should spend the rest of your life with. Wonderful sex is a fine thing, but it is not always a healthy basis for a lasting relationship.

Many people have issues with intimacy, and it may have nothing to do with the specific person. Frequently it's simply a reaction to becoming very familiar with someone. If your partner begins to feel like family, then sex with him or her may start to feel inappropriate. Dulling of passion through familiarity is not an inevitable fact, however. There are a number of different ways to work on spicing up a relationship. Being willing to experiment with new ways of doing things is the first prerequisite.

Often the people we love are the ones we spend most of our time with, the ones for whom we make many little compromises, because we want them to be happy. Those little compromises may make day-to-day life easier—and they may be death to sexual turn-ons, if they result in a slow buildup of resentment.

Maybe you can work on the relationship you are in, with the person you already share your life with, and end up having good sex. Maybe you will need to go outside the relationship for good sex, and if this is the case, you should be able to discuss it with your partner. Maybe you will decide to leave your partner and look for a new sexual partner. This is a choice that many people will criticize you for. We are not supposed to make choices based "merely" on sexual desire. However, the reality for many people is that sex can be the doorway to a path of personal and spiritual growth, and if you need to leave your partner in order to follow that path, then you certainly have my blessing. There is no need to put up with mediocrity in any area of your life.

#  **Communication**

If you decide that your partner is not the source of the problem (and it is unlikely she or he is the _only_ source of the problem), then the next question is, are you talking to each other about what you need in bed, or are you stuck in a routine with little or no variation, and no discussion? It is possible that if you begin to talk to each other about your desires, you may start doing things differently, and all of a sudden you'll both be having a wonderful time. It can be intensely intimate and erotic to talk explicitly about sex, which is one reason why so many of us experience embarrassment or discomfort when we do. Once you start talking, you may be surprised to find feelings of aversion do an abrupt turnaround and become feelings of arousal.

You may wish you could tell your partner that you don't like something she or he is doing, and it's fear of causing offence that stops you. It is often difficult and always important to be able to say, "I don't like this," and have your partner respect that. The fact that it is so hard to say is a reflection of how much our egos are tied into being good lovers. Truthfully, no one can do everything right all the time. One person's turn-on can be another person's turn-off. If your partner is really committed to pleasing you, then he or she will be able to put aside any feelings of inadequacy and listen to you, just as you will put aside your feelings of inadequacy and listen. You may want to choose your words carefully so as not to offend, but not offending your partner is not as important as making yourself clear. It is vital for women to learn to state their needs, and state them clearly. _Say what you mean and mean what you say._

If you find yourself wanting to change your partner, and think "If only he/she would…" be wary. You almost certainly need to dig deeper and look at yourself. Being invested in changing other people never comes to any good conclusion. In the end, you can only change yourself.

#  **The Power of No**

In this culture, saying "no" is often equated with saying, "I don't love you." In reality, the two are not related. Saying "no" is about establishing our autonomy in the world. It has absolutely no relevance to how much we love, or don't love, the person we are saying it to. Learning to hear the word "no" simply for what it is—"No, I don't want that right now"—without  experiencing it as a personal rejection, greatly enhances the ability to communicate. Similarly, learning that it is okay to say it, and that saying it won't end the relationship, facilitates the process of reclaiming and equalizing power for _both_ partners. And if it does end the relationship, you can be sure it needs to end.

It may be appalling to realize how rarely we feel we have the right or the ability to say no in our daily lives, how often we give in to subtle, unspoken pressures. Here is one perspective from an incest survivor:

 _The pressure (to have sex) from my father was violent and life-threatening. The pressure from my husband was the legal and societal definition of the marriage contract, and at that time, I felt that I desperately needed the protection of marriage as a buffer from sexual aggression._

**—CAROLYN GAGE** **2**

And another point of view, from a sex worker:

 _When it was my profession, I always made sure that I felt okay about what I gave in return for what I was paid. I bargained for what I felt was fair. I've made many more compromises in my social sex life than I ever did as a professional._

It is not easy to set clear boundaries, but until we establish, in our own psyches, that we do have the right to say no any time we feel like it, there will always be a little voice saying, "I wish I could choose not to do this." Many of us resist owning up to the existence of this voice, because if we give it any credence, we might find it very hard to give in to someone making demands on our bodies, and _then_ we would be failing as caretakers, and _then_ we might find ourselves alone. However you will never be fully in your power until you can say no clearly.

Asserting ourselves like this is not something that happens in a vacuum. In the short run, saying no, and allowing old feelings to surface, may put a strain on a relationship. Both partners need to exercise patience and tap into communication skills they perhaps never even knew they had. If couples counseling is an option, I urge you to consider it. In the long run, if each partner learns to say no and accepts the other saying it, the  relationship can only grow stronger and healthier. Ultimately, wonderful sex is about merging, and that cannot happen until both partners consciously choose to be present, in the fullness of their power.

Perhaps we don't feel like saying no to sex altogether, but only to certain activities. Negotiate with your partner. Try to come from a place of compassion for your partner's needs, without giving in to them if they are at odds with yours. If you make compromises, make sure they are conscious, and know that you have freely agreed to them. Too many compromises grudgingly made will cause resentment. Make sure you end up feeling empowered by your decisions (it is _never_ empowering when you do something just to avoid upsetting your partner). When you're being sexual, stop when you want to stop, which may be long before your partner wants you to. Always do it with kindness. If you cannot get beyond your dislike, or you feel that any negotiation is more of a sacrifice than a compromise, then you need to respect that, and so does your partner. Don't try to push through your resistance, because you will only make it stronger. (In fact, once you stop trying to push through it, you may find that it goes away of its own accord.) Remember, you are not alone, and you are not crazy. You cannot continue to do things you really don't enjoy without destroying parts of yourself, and you are responding to this dilemma in a sane and normal way.

Remember, too, that your partner is not your enemy, although he or she may sometimes feel like it. Even if you finally separate because you cannot fulfill each other's needs, it doesn't mean you don't love each other. A relationship shouldn't be a war zone. It is a partnership in which you work _together_ to arrive at a place where you can both be fully present and honest, and both give each other what you can without being drained, whether your relationship is sexual or not.

You may decide that you don't want to have sex at all. Channeling your creative energy into some other area of life is a perfectly valid choice, and you may still be able to maintain a loving partnership. Being sexual is only one way of giving and receiving love.

#  **The Power of Yes**

_**Remember, the likelihood that there are people somewhere who will appreciate what you have to offer is very high; the question you need to address is how to find them.**_

There is another side to this coin, and that is: there can be no "no" without "yes." Some women grow up surrounded by sexual innuendoes and wandering hands that they cannot escape. Other women grow up deprived of any sexual identity at all. This is often painfully the case for women who are overweight, or otherwise considered not conventionally attractive. Verbal ridicule, physical and/or emotional abuse, and social restrictions are typical consequences for them as girls and young women. Such conditioning goes very deep and can be difficult to overcome.

Women who want more sex, or different kinds of sex than their partners offer them, may find themselves out on a limb. Women who are not in a steady relationship, or want to have sex outside a relationship, may have nowhere to turn for sexual satisfaction. If we feel like our options are limited, then we may say yes to a situation because we think it's the best we are going to get. We may end up staying with a partner, although we are not getting the sex we want, or the respect we need, because we are afraid of getting no sex at all. We may find ourselves toning down our passion in order to avoid alienating our partner. We may be accused of harassing our partner. We may be accused of nymphomania or sex addiction. Masturbation is a useful stopgap, but it doesn't fill the very real need for human contact.

Remember, the likelihood that there are people somewhere who will appreciate what you have to offer is very high; the question you need to address is how to find them.

Whether you find yourself needing to establish a yes or a no, compassion and honesty are essential. Although anger is a natural reaction to long periods of failing to have your needs validated (and feelings of anger should not be denied), in the long run, blaming your partner isn't going to help—she or he is also a product of cultural conditioning, after all, and, extraordinary though it may seem, we are all doing our best. Talking with friends, or other people who have been through similar difficulties, and getting objective feedback and support, can make a world of difference.

#  **Getting Turned On**

If you and your lover have not been sexually adventurous, maybe you just don't know how or where to start. I hope this book will give you some inspiration. Talking with friends may be an excellent source of information. There is some good graphic (or not so graphic) erotica and pornography out there, in the form of books and videos. Give your imagination some interesting material to start with, and then let it roam.

Beware: much pornography is poorly produced and gives an unrealistic picture of what constitutes real sex between real people. But there is some higher quality material available, and I have listed some of these in the Resources section. I would recommend avoiding the real garbage; it may be inexpensive, but it will not help you to love yourself.

If you and/or your lover are uptight about sex and experience shame about being turned on, then you are very unlikely to have terrific sex until you examine where that shame comes from and find some way of exorcizing it. Feeling shame around our natural sexual responses and bodily functions, and needing to stay in control of our physical responses, is not unusual, but it will certainly inhibit sexual enjoyment. Good sex always involves letting go. The mind has a tendency to hold on, in an effort to prevent the body from doing something unacceptable.

_I come easily when I'm on my own, but when I'm with my lover I can't always come. I need oral stimulation and he's good at it and likes to do it, but I find myself somewhat inhibited when he does it. I'm thinking too much._

Are you afraid your partner will think you look ugly and sound weird when you are allowing your body to respond freely? Why not ask? You may be surprised: most people get very excited when their partner is clearly turned on. Most of us prefer to make love with someone who is responsive instead of contained. The following are all quotes from men:

 _I love it when a woman comes like crazy. They are so very, very unladylike—it is wonderful._

_I love watching, listening, smelling women having orgasms—out of control, into ecstasy—that is very, very pleasurable._

_My favorite aspect of a woman's orgasm is her loss of control. For that short time she is not planning or calculating. Many women I've been with have trouble letting go, but to have a satisfying orgasm, they have to. It's not that I feel I have control over them, just that they are free for a moment._

_I made love to one woman who had no inhibitions of any kind. She was and is the best lover I have ever known._

Whether or not you have a partner, I would recommend that you spend some time masturbating. If you don't know yourself, then you can't tell your partner how to pleasure you. Play with your genitals. See what feels good, and as I said earlier, allow your body to respond in whatever way it chooses. Vibrators are not a substitute for getting to know your body with your own hands, but they are an excellent way to achieve sensations that you won't get any other way.

Spend time thinking about sex. Note what thoughts trigger an actual physical reaction. Do certain things make you squirm inside? Look at what those things are: are they things that turn you on, things that you find disgusting, or both? Don't worry if the answer is both; we have been brought up watching TV and movies that offer us a very warped view of sex: on the one hand, it's sordid, on the other hand it's glamorous. Having paradoxical and conflicting reactions to sexual desire is normal. In fact, the strength of your response, even if on the surface it appears to be negative, might be a clue that those are the very things that arouse you. Let your mind and your body do whatever they do. Don't censor, just observe. If you practice this basic form of meditation, you will eventually get to a place where you can make a choice between following the desires of your body or the judgments of your mind.

How do you feel about touching your own body? Do you enjoy making love to yourself? Or do you just want to get it over with? Notice how you masturbate. Do you follow a standard formula? If so, vary it. And take your time! Is your mind somewhere else? Are you concentrating on what you're doing? Stay with the feelings that come up when you are touching yourself, acknowledge them, and allow yourself to feel them. This is a practice that I would recommend for anyone who wants to expand their sexual awareness, because you may discover feelings of desire that you  would not allow yourself to experience when you are with a partner.

#  **Dealing with Difficult Feelings**

We are trained to cover up and ignore feelings of disgust or hostility, yet it is quite normal for feelings of this kind to arise when you get in touch with the power of sexual desire. Feelings of revulsion could be the residue of an abusive past. Or they may reflect the contradictory attitude toward sex displayed and promoted by our culture; while on the one hand we are spoon-fed a sanitized version of sex in order to sell anything and everything, with the other hand we are taught to revile all things earthy or natural. Despite social worship of hard bodies, fashion models, and sports stars, there is a strong undercurrent of abhorrence for the body, especially the female body.

_I don't like naked flesh, and I don't like body smells. They turn me off._

Feelings of disgust or hostility could also be an indicator of problems in your relationship with your partner, as I described earlier, or of problems that your partner needs to address. Some people need coaching on topics ranging from adequate hygiene to showing simple consideration for others. However, negative feelings may come from a deeper source. Surrendering to sex can uncover all kinds of feelings you never knew you had. There is a great potential for powerful healing and personal growth here, but it may feel frightening, and fear may express itself as hostility.

The sense of merging with one's partner, or with the oneness of all things that great sex creates, can also give rise to difficult feelings. As heavenly as this merging may be, it requires the momentary sacrifice of the individual identity, the death of the little ego. And the ego may experience intense terror. Ego, that sense of your self as individual, is an essential component for functioning in the world. Learn to trust that you can experience oneness and still recover your sense of self. I suggest you take it slowly—and do what you need to do to reassure your ego, short of giving up your quest for sexual fulfillment.

If you are able to talk to any of your friends about sex, here is a question you might want to ask: do you experience so-called inappropriate  feelings when you're having sex? If they are honest, they will very likely say yes.

_I went through a period where every time I came, I cried. I have no idea where the feelings came from or even what they were about._

_I have sometimes felt the most incredible fury when I'm having sex with my partner, even when I'm really in love with her._

If you repress these feelings, then a free flow of sexual energy is unlikely to occur. If you acknowledge the feelings, without having to understand where they come from, they may simply pass. After examining them, you may find they are not important, and you may be able to consciously put them aside. If the feelings are overpowering, you may decide to discuss them with your lover. She or he may be willing to help you work on them, or you may even find that there is a way to play with them in a sexual context. If you don't have a lover, or you are unable to bring your feelings up for discussion, and yet they continue to interfere during sex, then you might want to find a counselor.

There may be a legitimate reason for you to be angry with your partner. Don't dismiss this option until you are satisfied that any lingering emotional undercurrents from a past incident or ongoing dynamics are brought out into the open and fully resolved. You may have persuaded yourself that things are fine just because that is the way you want them.

**HOW TO RECOGNIZE A FEELING WHEN IT HITS YOU IN THE FACE**

We are trained to devalue our feelings, to the point where many of us don't even recognize them. Here are a few very basic pointers for getting back in touch with feelings:

**1\. Feelings are not facts or events.** But they are real and they are often loaded with energy. They are _always_ an indication of something that needs to be looked at. They often have a much stronger effect on us than facts do, and they color our experience of events. They often arise as a response to an event, although they may sometimes seem inappropriate or unjustified.

**2\. Feelings are not rational.** They can rarely be changed by a rational explanation of how irrational they are. Telling yourself or someone else that he or she is being irrational is usually ineffective, even damaging. It is an unnecessary and useless put-down.

**3\. Feelings need to be expressed.** If they are repressed, they will probably grow and require a lot of energy to keep under control. Learn to express them in ways that don't harm the people around you. Instead of snapping at someone who's bothering you, you may want to go outside and run, smash a bottle against a wall, or rant to a friend who understands that you are not being rational, and that you just need to vent. Be aware that some feelings need physical as well as verbal expression.

**4\. Feelings change.** Often the feeling will dissipate when it is expressed, or it will metamorphose into another feeling that may appear to be directly opposed: anger to fear, for instance. Allow this to happen; it is normal and it does not devalue the feeling in any way.

**5\. Sometimes it is better not to take action when you are in the midst of experiencing an intense feeling.** Strong feelings around a particular person or event may indicate that some action is necessary in order for you to take care of yourself, or of someone else, but we are not always able to see clearly when we are seeing red. Allow the intensity of the feeling to recede, then consider appropriate action when you are a little more rational.

#  **Getting Down to Business**

Now let's consider the practical aspects of sex. The single most important factor here is taking the time for lots of sexual play, whether you are alone or with a partner. There will be occasions when you just feel overtaken by desire and you leap on top of one another in a passionate frenzy. But if you don't take it slowly some of the time, then you might miss out on something wonderful.

Firstly, make the space and time to talk with your partner about sex. Take turns: first one of you speaks and then the other. Listening is as vital a communication skill as talking. Tell your partner what you want him or her to do to you, how you've imagined it will feel when she or he does a particular thing, and how much it turns you on thinking about it. If thinking about it scares you, it is okay to say that too. Touching your partner in a gentle, loving fashion often facilitates loving communication. When you are talking about the basics of your relationship, it's good to look into your partner's eyes, but when you are talking about the nuts and bolts of desire you may want to be in a darkened room, whispering in your partner's ear. Do whatever you need to do to make it possible for you to verbalize your desires.

_Allowing your partner to be with you when you feel nervous may make you feel more connected to this person. The two of you will overcome your fears together._

**—ALEX ROBBOY**

Ultimately, you want to be able to communicate using facial expressions, nonverbal sounds, your eyes, and your body language to convey your conscious intent. If you can only use words right now, then start there; but do affirm to yourself and to your partner that your intent is to be freely, openly, and lovingly sexual. Repeat this affirmation often and clearly. Hold onto your conscious intent, and go back to it whenever you feel overwhelmed.

There will be times when you don't want to talk, and in fact too much chatter may block pure body sensation and empathic feelings.

And remember, neither of you are making any guarantees. You are making suggestions with regard to what you think you want. That does not mean that if you actually try those things you will have a wonderful time.  When you try them, you may discover that you don't enjoy them. If both of you consent, there is no harm in trying anything once. If it doesn't feel good, you never need to do it again.

Hopefully, as you share your innermost desires with your partner, he or she will get excited about the idea of exploring them with you. If your partner is less than enthusiastic, make sure it is not because he or she feels inadequate or frightened. A little reassurance never goes amiss. Perhaps you need a lot more discussion before you can agree on an approach to sex that you are both comfortable with.

If you are in agreement, then go for it. But go slowly, and keep giving feedback! Feedback can be verbal or physical. It is often easier to explain where you want to be touched by taking your partner's hand and placing it there than struggling with a verbal explanation. Ideally your partner will be watching you carefully and reading your nonverbal signals before you need to make them verbal. But it can be very tricky to read another person's body language correctly, so never rely only on your or your partner's ability to do so. Check things out on a verbal level at an appropriate time. And remember, it is fine to ask your partner to stop at any time; don't wait until you hate what is happening before speaking up. There may be times when you just need your lover to pause for a moment or two and stop the stimulation, perhaps to let the energy gather itself. _Don't expect your partner to know automatically what you want._

_At the moment of orgasm I always want my partner to hold absolutely still inside me._

#  **Take a Risk, But Don't Take It Seriously**

**Being graceful is neither realistic nor important—this is sex, not ballet.**

Resign yourself: you _are_ going to have to take initiative. You don't need to be brazen about it; if shy is what you feel, then it's fine to let that show. Don't hold yourself tightly—let your feelings be clear to your partner, especially if you are turned on. Allow yourself to be responsive.

_It's hard for me to come when my partner is not clearly turned on and desiring me._

Are you nervous about taking the initiative? Then ask your partner, "Is this okay?" But don't let your fear of making a mistake stop you. No doubt you will occasionally make mistakes. We all do, in all areas of life. The important thing is to learn and move on. Don't let yourself be paralyzed.

What if your partner gets so nervous while trying something new that he can't maintain an erection? Well, as any lesbian will tell you, that shouldn't matter in the least because it is generally easier to pleasure a woman manually or orally. In any case, why should intercourse be the sole focus of your play?

What if your body starts shaking or you find yourself sweating with a combination of nervousness and desire? If it's really too frightening, have your partner hold you and stroke you gently. Go ahead and cry if it helps.

Learn to laugh at yourself; gentle laughter can be enormously healing. You will never do everything perfectly. There will always be times when you accidentally pull your partner's hair or do something clumsy and embarrassing. Being graceful is neither realistic nor important—this is sex, not ballet.

_Sex is often really funny. Not put-down, humiliating funny, but the "Hey, we're all human aren't we?" kind of funny where people and body parts do surprising or unexpected things at odd moments. Being able to laugh together at those moments peels off a layer of self-consciousness and awkwardness, traits that inhibit orgasm._

Once you have learned to go more slowly, vary your pace. Teasing is often a great deal of fun. You might spend days developing sexual tension, knowing that you can choose to go "all the way" whenever you want. Anticipation can be half the pleasure. Expand your definition of sex to include more of what is generally called foreplay. Many women can come or get very close to coming from having other parts of their bodies stimulated, besides their genitals.

_Almost any part of my body can be erotic, but especially my breasts, neck, back, buttocks, and mouth._

There is no need to limit sex to the bedroom, but whatever place you choose to be sexual, be aware of your partner's issues. Many people need to feel sure they are not going to be interrupted. Others are more aroused when there is fear of "discovery."

Learn to flirt. You can flirt without looking at someone, or you can flirt with nothing but eye contact. You might flirt outrageously in outrageous places. Make sexual innuendoes to your lover over the phone. Send flowers and love notes. If you find these things laughable, then perhaps your desire for your partner is jaded. How does it feel to think of doing these things with someone else?

Play games. Dress up. Adopt a new persona or create scenarios to act out with your partner; maybe one of you wants to be the seducer and the other a reluctant (or not so reluctant) innocent. There are infinite possibilities here: the meter reader who arrives while the seductive lady of the house is in the bath; the gardener who is horrified when his employer catches him masturbating in the gazebo; the alien from outer space who adopts a human form but knows nothing about sex and must be taught. At first you may feel ridiculous, but you may be surprised at how wet you get once you overcome your inhibitions.

Be real about your feelings. Be willing to laugh. Take risks. You won't die.

All of this may or may not lead directly to orgasms, but as I said at the beginning of this chapter, such specific expectations tend to set you up for failure in the first place. Much of the art of creating hot sex is about _not_ focusing on orgasm. It may even involve deliberately forestalling climax.

_Sometimes I don't even try to have an orgasm, and it's nice not to have it as a goal but rather just to experience sensations._

I have devoted much of this chapter to the importance of letting go in order to have good sex; letting go of preconceptions, of inhibitions, of needing things to be a certain way, of having goals, of emotional stresses and tensions. The actual physical experience of orgasm also requires a letting go, but in its earlier phases it usually requires a physical buildup of  muscular tension. This physical tension is often necessary and should be facilitated, _not_ avoided.

_The explosion of orgasm comes when the tension in my legs is released and my clitoris pulses rapidly._

Our sexual responses are innate and natural, but sex is not an individual thing, it is interactive. It occurs in a social context, in a cultural matrix, which predetermines some of our sexual dynamics. Learning to recognize those dynamics can help us to make positive choices.

A great deal of what I'm talking about here can be summed up as developing a sense of self-esteem, a sense of yourself as a worthy individual. In the end, that knowing of oneself as valuable without requiring any external input is the basis of leading a fulfilling life—which includes fulfilling sex.

#  **Asserting Ourselves**

It is so easy to let things slide, to maintain our lives and relationships the way they always have been, rather than taking the steps to change things for the better. Failing to say no or to take the initiative when you've never done either before may not seem like a problem. It _is_ a problem if it means that you are enduring mediocrity in your life. And it is most definitely a problem if you are blaming someone else for that mediocrity. What happens is a common dynamic between couples: a woman isn't happy with the relationship, but it doesn't really occur to her that she can change it, or the effort of changing it seems too overwhelming, so she does nothing, but still feels resentful. She may end up blaming her partner for her sense of powerlessness because that is less risky than taking steps to change. If she has ten children and an abusive husband who controls all the money, she must be very careful not to incite him to violence. In this country, however, many women are in a position to take their power, and what prevents them is not so much real fear as it is the habit of abdicating responsibility.

Of course, this relationship dynamic may be reversed, with the male partner being the one to abdicate responsibility.

If you want to be sexually fulfilled, at some point in your lifetime you  need to take charge and make sex into a form of play where you set your own rules and call your own shots, doing only what you want to do and what gives you pleasure. If at the end of the day you have only stroked your lover's back, and you feel fulfilled by that, you can feel confident that you owe nothing more. Sex should never, even inadvertently, be a violation. No matter how many times you say "I don't want to do anything that you don't want to," if you never say, "Okay, this is what I want," then the relationship can never grow. Whether it is sleeping alone, having separate beds, doing nothing explicitly sexual, masturbating across the room while your partner watches, or vice versa, doing cunnilingus and nothing else, engaging in sex only in a spiritual context—whatever it is, no matter how seemingly radical, you must decide what it is you really want and negotiate with your partner from there.

Once you have learned to take charge, you can make the conscious choice _not_ to be in charge if that's what you want. And remember, changing your mind about what you want is always an option.

Do sex the way you want to do it, and know that you are doing it because you have chosen it. The best partners are the ones who are doing it for themselves, from a place of compassion and openheartedness. When I asked Jesse how she would describe to someone how to give her oral sex, she said:

 _I wouldn't tell somebody how to give me oral sex. That would be like telling someone how to talk to me, what to say to me. I want to hear what they have to say._

This is a very astute observation and explains why sex manuals often come up short. What is needed is not so much information on the practical aspects of sex, but more information on how to talk to one another with our bodies, with _and_ without words. It is a skill that can be learned if you are open to learning it. But you have to want to be there with every part of your being, not just the conscious part, and you have to be willing to be open and vulnerable. Not many of us are really willing to be that visible, that exposed. Anna Marti explains it like this:

 _The most exciting erotic partner is one who is totally wired into it themselves and is having a really good time. They're probably having a good time regardless of who is gong to be there. The erotic experience is really about having every cell in my body engaged._

Women are traditionally the givers and that is what we tend to do: we give ourselves away, not in the sense of making ourselves vulnerable but in the sense of giving up our innate inner being. We give up our own needs in favor of our lover's.

"Giving" in this sense means prioritizing someone else's needs and feelings over our own, and many of us have been taught that our needs are not as important as those of others. This is a lie. We cannot be complete human beings if we do not pay attention to our own feelings. Feelings are what inform us of our needs, of what is right for us individually, of why we are here being human. Our feelings will guide us on the paths we must follow throughout our lives. Healthy sexual relationships are about balance, not sacrifice, about sharing, not withholding.

#  **Claiming Our Passion**

Many women are able to claim their sexual passion in spite of their cultural conditioning. They assert their sexual passion, knowing they are doing it for themselves and not for anyone else. And they look for kindred spirits in the people they choose to be sexual with, opting to work together to develop honest, open partnerships.


Input: Write about the different dynamics and experiences of hard and soft sex, including the feelings and emotions that can arise during these encounters. Discuss the concept of consensuality and its importance in both types of sexual exchanges. Additionally, touch upon the various fantasies and desires that individuals may have and how they can be explored and expressed in a safe and consensual manner.

Response:
Even when a woman does experience sex as an act of submission, she may feel empowered by it; paradoxically, total surrender—letting down all defenses and allowing physical pleasure and passion to take over—can be deeply liberating. Such a woman may consent to being submissive in that context; she may very well be someone with power and responsibility in her everyday life, and wants to experience the opposite in bed. She recognizes the universal truth that vulnerability always requires strength. She remains securely connected with her own inner power and stays connected to that source of personal power even when she appears to be acting submissively.

Strong sexual energy can feel alarming, especially to people who were molested as children. This kind of dynamic can be addressed within the context of sexual play.

_It used to be that I would feel like an abuser if I really let my passion show. There didn't seem to be any way around it. My lover just didn't like the way I moved when I got to a certain level of arousal. Finally we negotiated that we would take turns being the one in charge, being the one to give or the one to take. This works really well, because I know there is no possibility of her being overwhelmed by my sexual energy when she is in charge because she directs the action. She can tell me to lie still if she wants._

One woman told me that she solves this dilemma by tying her lover up. Then there is no question who is in charge, and her partner never has to worry about restraining his desire because it is restrained for him. What a simple way to deal with a problem that might otherwise destroy a relationship.

#  **It Hurts So Good**

There are many ways to have sex, many levels of passion, and many ways we can act out that passion. Having a skilled person make love to you slowly and gently, with the physical energy never building to a high crescendo, might be all you want. There are probably times when any of us might want only that, and there are other times when we want something quite different.

_I've had nasty bad-ass sex with people I know very well and am very close to, and I've had very loving sex with people I hardly knew. Sometimes you just gotta do bad-ass sex._

These labels— _bad-ass sex_ and _lovemaking_ —are descriptive, and also misleading, since bad-ass sex can be about love just as much as lovemaking is. I'm going to label them _hard sex_ and _soft sex_ **.** Soft sex is what most women are expected to want. Many men are trying to be more sensitive, softer, and more gentle sexually. They are sweet and loving, they are very respectful, and they are trying to give women what they think we want. Soft sex, especially if it's done as a consciously tantric type of practice, may involve a very intense psychic experience, but it rarely involves  a lot of physical exercise. It's often about transforming the physical sensations into a more emotional or spiritual realm.

_I work at prolonging the stage just before orgasm, and I often have to stop moving to stop myself coming. I try to equalize the energy throughout my body. Sometimes I feel like I'm coming through my skin. Depending on how intense and trusting we feel with each other, we become like light, and we move in and out of that place. Our spirits do an in/out merging thing, so we feel like one body with four arms and legs._

Hard sex is more about giving free reign to the physical manifestations of passion, and to the less acceptable feelings that come up for some of us during sexual play. It may be hard and fast and energetic; it may be slow, intense, and filled with suspense; and it may even be perceived as violent.

_I like the interplay between reverence and nasty, sexually confrontational behavior. I crave that exchange and tension._

This sort of exchange might include teasing, bondage, role playing, voyeurism and exhibitionism, dominance and submission, spanking, or other forms of physical contact that would generally be experienced as painful or unpleasant in other circumstances; or it might include fantasies about such activities. And it might not include any of the above, but it will certainly include a level of physical passion that creates and is created by intense energy. In this state of arousal, the physical experience changes, and what would normally be uncomfortable can become profoundly erotic.

Under no circumstances whatsoever do I recommend any kind of sex during which either partner is not being fully respected. However, some women (and some men) need to have sex that is not always soft. Donna sums this up:

 _My partner is very in tune with me physically and psychically. And his approach to sex is a form of communication; from the beginning we've related physically. He's extremely intuitive. He also asks questions and then understands what I want immediately. But there's something more than that—he's not afraid of hurting me, he knows he's not hurting me, so he's much more…I don't know the word. Maybe it's that there is more freedom and abandon with him. With other partners there have always been more constraints._

These constraints are about sublimating the physical. As in so many areas of our lives, the prevailing mode of relating to someone of the opposite sex is clearly reflected in the sex act itself: the man is assumed to be the dominant one, the one who takes charge, who "runs the act," and in the process of asserting his desire and his needs, he must be careful not to hurt the woman he is with. It is rarely assumed that the man is in any danger of being hurt by his female partner. It is assumed that he is bigger, rougher, and stronger, and so is his desire. In reality, when a woman allows her body's passion and desire to take over, it becomes less likely for her to get physically hurt. You have two bodies dancing together: where one moves forward, the other gives way.

Michael, who is clearly used to being with passionate women, expresses this very well:

 _When I'm inside her, most often I just try to let my body accommodate her, the grinding and thrusting against me, picking up her rhythm or her shifting position to provide the kind of contact she needs. I make myself an instrument of her pleasure, and I really enjoy being used that way. When I'm going down on her the force of her thrusting against my face can occasionally be quite uncomfortable, but I'm so caught up in her experience that I really don't mind. It's very exciting and I love the ride._

It is unfortunate—not just that men are usually running the act and that women tend to be alarmed by intense physical passion, but that so many people think that this is the way it should be. There are too many "shoulds" surrounding our sexual desires. Some women desire sex just as much as the most macho man, and some men desire sex as little (which may be not at all) as the most asexual woman. Women can orgasm just as quickly as men, given the right stimulation. Under the right circumstances, a woman's sexual appetite can be just as large or larger than a man's. Sexual stereotyping limits us all.

#  **Fears Versus Passion**

When a couple come together unafraid of one another, and they refuse to be limited by false stereotyping or the fear of experiencing pain, then opportunities for unlimited passion will open up for them. We are all, men and women, responsible for creating these opportunities by letting go of restrictive, outmoded assumptions. Whether you are a man whose ego is tied up in a certain kind of sexual performance, or a woman who is afraid of taking the initiative, you must open up to new ways of being, and be willing to take risks if you hope to experience your full potential for ecstasy.

_Now is the time for women to reclaim the power, intensity, and varieties of our orgasms—that knowledge has been lost and repressed—but to do so we must be willing to be animalistic, experimental, uninhibited, and uncontrollable._

**—DR. ANNIE SPRINKLE**

We may be afraid of what we might become if we don't stay in control. Ironically, these fears are more intense _because_ we deny them. If and when we let them out, they generally become quite manageable. The fantasies of being raped or of hurting someone that haunt so many women turn out to be just that—fantasies of being powerless or powerful. They reflect absolutely nothing about the reality of our everyday lives. Rather, they reflect an internal need to experiment with some aspect of ourselves that wants expression. Think of it as your "shadow" side. It is unavoidably a part of who you are but not a part that is appropriate for public consumption. And that's fine, because there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to find a safe place to act it out in private with a trusted partner. And there is every possibility you can have a lot of fun with it.

_When I was twenty-two, I was making out with my lover on her couch when she jumped up and said, "Stay right there, I'll be back in a minute!" She came back with a rope and said, "Look! Put your hands up here." Then she tied my hands and feet and made love to me. I came and came and came…_

Talk to your partner about your fantasies, or the feelings that sometimes  surge up when you let yourself express your desire. Discuss the possibility of acting them out. You could even plan a scenario and assign yourselves roles to play. See what happens. You may very well find that verbalizing the fantasy or the feeling is all you really needed. You may also discover that you enjoy playing out your fantasies. I think of this kind of play as an erotic party game or an adult form of cops and robbers. I clearly remember getting the same kind of excited high out of cops and robbers when I was a child as I do now, as an adult, from sexual games.

This is one fantasy that a friend of mine has had since she was a little girl. It's not one that should be acted out! But you could base some interesting games on it.

_I imagined that I had a guy tied up, and I was stimulating him sexually. He was getting really excited, but we both knew that at the moment when he came I would kill him. He always got to the point where he couldn't control himself any more…_

With hard sex, as with soft sex, the key is _consensuality,_ which means that each partner commits to full participation. True consensuality only exists when both partners understand what they are committing to, and that understanding can only be reached through clear discussion. A sexual exchange may look sweet and loving, but if it is not fully consensual, it is not loving. On the other hand, a sexual act may look violent and dangerous, but if it is fully consensual, then it is a loving exchange. All is not that it appears to be on the surface.

While I certainly do not need hard sex all the time, it is an essential part of my repertoire. I see it as a valuable forum for many women and men, one where we can safely express a level of passion that may have no other harmless outlets.

#  _**Notes**_

1 Nancy Friday, _My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies_ (Pocket Books, 2008). Originally published in 1973. She also published a second collection of women's sexual fantasies called _Forbidden Flowers_ (latest edition Pocket Books, 2003).

2 Carolyn Gage, "Pressure to Heal," _Lesbian Ethics_ , 1992.