Input: Write an informative chapter about penetration and the G-spot, focusing on the importance of lubrication, the role of the PC muscle in sexual satisfaction, and the various ways to enjoy penetration. Discuss the misconceptions surrounding virginity and the idea that penetration is essential for sexual satisfaction. Include personal anecdotes and experiences to illustrate the points made in the chapter. Additionally, provide tips on how to locate and stimulate the G-spot, and discuss the use of sex toys for penetration.

Response:
**CHAPTER** **9**

**PENETRATION AND THE G-SPOT**

_My lover once penetrated me so deeply with her hand that I felt as though something I didn't know existed had exploded (pleasantly!)._

#  **Lubrication**

Any chapter on penetration must start with praise for the wonders of artificial lubrication. Indeed, even if you never engage in any kind of penetration, the soft, silky, sliding feeling of good lubrication is a sensuous delight.

In my experience, few women produce enough natural lubrication to enjoy penetration or manual clitoral stimulation for very long without some discomfort. Good lubrication will enhance your enjoyment, enable you to carry on much longer, and considerably reduce the risk of getting vaginal or urinary tract infections.

Older women tend to have less natural lubrication, but the quantity of  natural lubrication we produce varies, like all other aspects of our sexuality: some women get very creamy very quickly, while others produce little wetness however aroused they become. Even for those of you who get very wet, I would recommend having a bottle of lube on hand for all sexual play. There may be times when you want to prolong a session of lovemaking beyond the point where you have started to get a little sore. On these occasions, the use of a lubricant can make the difference between a yeast infection, a bladder infection, and no infection at all. Some parts of our bodies, such as the anus, don't naturally produce lubrication. You _must_ use artificial lubrication if you are doing anal penetration.

_Sex definitely felt very uncomfortable until I discovered lube—that made a big difference._

The most common kinds of artificial lubrication, made specifically for use during sex, are water-based, which means two things: they will wash out of the vagina easily, and they will not degrade condoms. Oil-based products—vegetable, mineral, or petroleum, which include Crisco®, baby oil, Vaseline®, and most massage oils—will degrade latex condoms or gloves very quickly.

_One of the stupidest things I ever did was have sex with this guy when all we had to use for lube was olive oil. Believe me, olive oil destroys condoms._

Silicone-based lubes don't degrade latex (although they do damage silicone dildos). I have heard of women having allergic reactions to these lubricants. You need to find out what works for you; there are enough choices that you don't need to use anything you find irritating.

If you are not using latex condoms or gloves, you can use massage oil for lubrication, but I recommend not using anything that is mineral-based on any sensitive, or potentially tender, parts of your anatomy. Oils don't wash out of the vagina as readily as water-based lubes, and they tend to encourage the growth of bacteria.

Some lubes have a high level of glycerine in them and this makes them sweet, which may promote the growth of yeast cells. Some lubes are foamy, some are smooth, some dry out more quickly than others, some  are runnier, some are thicker. Some reconstitute when you add water, which means you can use them sparingly because you can add a few drops of water instead of lube when they start to dry out—but beware of lube spills that dry out and appear harmless until you try to wash them away, and they turn into a slippery morass!

K-Y® Jelly, which is probably what your gynecologist uses when she examines you, comes in a tube rather than a bottle. It is perfectly adequate, but doesn't feel quite as silky as some other brands, and K-Y® tastes worse than most, although none of them actually taste very good. Some lubes contain nonoxynol-9, a chemical that kills the AIDS virus. But nonoxynol-9 is an irritant, and many women are allergic to it. I don't recommend it.

You don't need to go into a sex store to buy lube—there are a variety of products available at pharmacies, and increasingly, supermarkets. If you'd like a wider selection, check what's available online; see the Resources section for suggestions. Some sex toy stores even offer lubricant sample packs, so you can try several kinds of lube without investing in large bottles of each.

#  **The PC Muscle**

If you are going to enjoy penetration, and have good orgasms, it is a good idea to have well-toned muscles in the pelvic area, and, in particular, a healthy pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. This is the sling of muscle that supports the sexual organs, and I believe it should be considered as integral to a woman's sexual makeup as the clitoris or the G-spot. Just as different parts of the body work together to make us functional human beings, the different parts involved in sexual response work together to enable us to experience full sexual enjoyment. Chronic tension or weakness of the PC muscle can radically affect our sexual responses. Not surprisingly, women who are afraid of or uncomfortable about sex may have a chronically tense or weak PC muscle. According to _The G-Spot_ 1, a woman with a strong PC muscle is more likely to have orgasms, strong orgasms, multiple orgasms, and different kinds of orgasms. She may also produce more natural lubrication.

Having sex and orgasming are a workout for this muscle, but there are also specific exercises that you can do, called Kegels, which were originally developed by Dr. Arnold Kegel to help his patients with urinary problems.  You can buy something called a Kegelcisor™, which looks like a tiny dumbbell, that you insert into the vagina, and then practice holding it in there and making it move. You can also practice tightening and relaxing that muscle at other times. Try to isolate it from the muscles in your buttocks and your belly, because you may be failing to exercise the PC muscle if you don't. To check your progress, you can isolate the PC muscle by stopping the flow of urine in the middle of urination. However, you should not make this a regular practice or training method, because the continual interruption of urine flow can increase the risk of urinary tract infection.

Once you've sorted out what the muscle feels like, you can do sets of exercises. A typical set would include: clenching slowly and then relaxing ten times; clenching as fast as you can ten times (flutters); and pushing outwardly ten times. Work up to doing thirty repetitions within each set, five times a day.

Some women find the sexual awareness that results from doing Kegels uncomfortable; you may not welcome an overt sensation of desire, when you are just trying to get on with your life. There you sit, working at your desk, when one of your coworkers comes over to discuss something with you. You feel a flush of turn-on and your PC muscle contracts, grabbing your attention. It might be easier to be able to ignore your body. Once again, you have to decide your own priorities; how much time and energy are you willing to spend on sex? What if your sexual desire arises at a time when it's not "appropriate"?

Women who are uncomfortable with their sexual responses are going to cut off their awareness of the PC muscle, without even knowing what they are doing, because it is an effective way to cut off their awareness of their sexual responses. What if they find themselves responding to another woman, and they have ambivalent or negative feelings about homosexuality and bisexuality? What if they want to be faithful to their husbands? What if they respond to images of bondage, and they believe this response is deviant? Deciding _not_ to make a negative judgment about what turns you on is a necessary prerequisite for toning your PC muscle. As long as you are cutting yourself off from any muscular responses that your brain deems unacceptable, you are cutting your mind off from your body, and limiting the possibility of being a whole, healthy human being.

The advantages to a healthy PC muscle are not just sexual. A woman with a well-toned PC muscle is less likely to have bladder problems, she  will probably have an easier time with childbirth, and she is far less likely to suffer from a prolapsed uterus. She may even find that her periods become more regular. Women who suffer from cystitis or vaginal infections may find Kegel exercises surprisingly beneficial. Severe cramps (menstrual or otherwise) and lower-back pain can sometimes be traced to an overly tense PC muscle.

I know of a few women who can come just by flexing their PC muscle. A number of women report that they are able to orgasm from vaginal penetration alone after doing Kegel exercises for several months. (As I discussed earlier, having an orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, without any direct stimulation of the clitoris, is something many women think they ought to be able to do, but rarely can.)

Having very strong muscles isn't necessarily preferable for your partner, as this quote from a man illustrates:

 _I had one partner who had the most incredibly strong vaginal muscles. When I was inside her, she could induce pain without externally visible signs, not even a facial twitch or grimace. I have a very strong grip, and I cannot squeeze my penis hard enough to cause pain. She could—with her vagina. I had to ask her to be careful, which was difficult for her when she was in the middle of an orgasm._

However, a woman with a well-toned PC muscle, able both to relax it fully and to tighten it, is a woman who is sexually aware and responsive, no matter how she reaches orgasm.

_I've learned to come through muscle control, with no direct physical stimulation at all. This basically involves doing Kegels, although I've found that mentally focusing on the area just inside my vagina and at the front helps a lot._

Note that it is as important to be able to relax the PC muscle as it is to be able to tense it. You may have a very strong PC muscle, but if you are unable to relax it, then you will have problems, just as you would with any chronically tight muscle in your body.

#  **Penetration Is Not Essential**

Muscles sometimes become chronically tense for emotional or psychological reasons, and this is commonly the case with the PC muscle, perhaps because we have so much emotional and psychological baggage associated with sex. If a woman is afraid of penetration or intercourse (and there are many reasons why she might be), then fear will cause her to tense her PC muscle. Suddenly her vagina is smaller and tighter than it normally is, and intercourse will inevitably be painful. The medical term for this is vaginismus, and it is not uncommon. If this is a problem for you, then I urge you to seriously consider whether you want penetration at all. I know lesbians who have very satisfying sex that rarely or never involves penetration. There is no reason why the same shouldn't be true for other women.

_As a teenager I had intercourse with lots of guys, and it seemed like a real waste of time. The best sex I had in those days was when I refused to have intercourse with this one guy, and he got me off with his fingers on my clitoris. That was great._

_The best orgasm I ever had involved no penetration at all; it just came from this utterly animal desire. I was on top of her, we both had all our clothes on, and we were just rubbing our bodies on each other. Neither of us were doing anything to the other; no one was directing anything. The orgasm just exploded out of me. She came at the same moment._

Linda Valins, who suffers from vaginismus herself, wrote an interesting book on the subject, _When a Woman's Body Says No to Sex_ _2_ _,_ but it is important to understand that women whose vaginas tighten up when they are about to be penetrated vaginally are not necessarily saying no to sex. I believe they are saying no to penetration in particular. Some of these women are still able to have very enjoyable sex. Penetration is like the color pink, or riding horses, or anything else in life: some people just don't like it.

_I sometimes like vaginal penetration, but only if I'm very turned on._

_I have never felt the need for penetration during sex. It's not that I abhor it, but it does nothing for me. I don't get turned on by it. I don't feel anything much, and so it happens only because my partner wants to do it. For orgasms I need my clitoris touched. The vagina can take it or leave it._

#  **But Some of Us Really Love It!**

Plenty of women (myself included) cannot imagine satisfying sex that doesn't involve penetration. It wasn't always this way for me, however; I spent at least five years during my twenties having sex with little or no penetration. What happened to make me start wanting it? There was no obvious cause or event; I believe I simply began to relax around sexual issues. As I began to enjoy sex more and more, my PC muscle, with no conscious effort on my part, became very toned. As I worked on myself, I lost the psychological and emotional charge I once had around intercourse, and I became interested in penetration just because it seemed like it could be fun.

#  **Virginity: The Arduous Process of Losing It**

Virginity is such a loaded concept in our society. It is supposed to be a major event when you lose it, and yet I haven't met many women whose experience was enjoyable. Most of us have the same incredulous reaction to an event that is supposed to be one of the most momentous of our lives: You mean _that's it?_

_It was the first time for both of us, and we were really inept. It was one of those experiences that is funny in retrospect but deeply mortifying at the time._

_When I was seventeen, I met this guy who was much older. He wouldn't have intercourse with me until I was eighteen. On my eighteenth birthday he brought a condom out (I'd been asking to have sex), and we did it. I didn't feel anything. It didn't hurt, it was just boring. I lay there thinking, oh my god, this is it?! I was so disappointed._

_My first experiences with intercourse, as a teenager, didn't do anything for me. The very first time I was with a guy my legs went numb, I guess from him putting pressure on my thighs while he was on top, and I thought that must be a vaginal orgasm. I wasn't excited about it._

_I'd decided it was time for me to lose my virginity, and so I went to bed with a guy. It was fairly clinical: quick, calculated, and a little weird._

_My boyfriend took me out to the country, we had a bottle of champagne, and then did it on a blanket in a field. The setting was beautiful, but the act was disappointing. I felt scared and uncomfortable._

_We were supposed to play this silly game where we were leading boys on and yet never allowing them to go the whole way._

_By the time I was fifteen, I was really bored with this absurd game—it just didn't make any sense to me—so I got myself a boyfriend and had intercourse with him. He told me I couldn't be a virgin because I wasn't scared enough._

_My partner didn't believe I was a virgin. He thought I had lots of experience because of my enthusiasm and passion._

By contrast, Mary did enjoy her first experience with intercourse:

 _It felt great—a vibrator can't match how a big, hard cock feels!_

Maybe what made it feel so good for Mary was that she had been masturbating, with penetration, for a number of years prior to her first time doing intercourse. Or perhaps her lover was simply more skilled.

But the crux of the matter is that most cultures place a ludicrous amount of importance on an act that is barely an event for most women, particularly as the hymen may well have been broken long before the moment of consensual penetration by a penis, either due to the use of tampons,  or to molestation or masturbation. Fortunately, the social and biological concepts of virginity are finally beginning to change. Younger women may be reaping the benefits of these changes: greater access to information, a more caring attitude on the part of men, and a better likelihood that a woman will feel comfortable and proud in her sexual desire.

The bottom line with penetration is the same as the bottom line with sex: how important is it to you? If you decide it is important and now is the time when you want it, then you must choose a partner whom you trust to be caring and patient, and you must take steps to remove any sources of tension. If you worry about getting pregnant, then either use adequate birth control (your idea of adequate may not necessarily be the same as someone else's, and this is a situation where only _your_ idea of adequate matters), or use something other than a penis for penetration; fingers and dildos don't cause pregnancy.

Some men have very large penises, and they may have trouble finding women who can comfortably accommodate them. Like men with very small penises, they have to find other ways of making love. In a society where sexual play has been so overshadowed by the importance placed on intercourse, such men may be at an advantage. They have an incentive to learn how to satisfy a woman in other ways. (I heard of a man with a very large penis who would bring himself to orgasm by penetrating his lover's cleavage. This might work well for women with large and sensitive breasts. And then he gets to use his mouth and hands between her legs.)

_I once had a partner who had a very small penis, and he was the best lover I ever had. He'd had to learn to compensate._

#  **Enjoying Penetration**

If you are concerned about pain with intercourse then you may want to experiment on your own, putting your fingers, or something else, inside your vagina, so you are prepared for what it feels like. But, remember, you should be in control. If at any time you experience something you don't enjoy, you must be able to stop at once. Many men, especially inexperienced ones, attempt penetration too quickly, and if you aren't ready, then it won't feel good. It may take a woman a long time (hours, weeks, years) of experimentation before she is ready for intercourse. Are you unable to  imagine asking your partner to stop in the middle of a sexual encounter? I have said it before and I will continue to repeat it: you must get into the habit of talking to your partner before, during, and after sex. Verbalize what feels good for you, asking him or her to slow down or speed up or change position to suit your desire. If he or she doesn't like taking direction from you, this is a serious problem that needs to be resolved before you carry on with the relationship.

Remember that if a woman is a virgin, she is likely to expect penetration to be painful, although, in fact, it isn't always so. Many women have lost their hymens by the time they embark on intercourse, and even if they haven't, the breaking of the hymen is an individual sensation. Some women experience a brief, sharp pain while others never notice a thing. The hymen can stretch quite considerably, so it is possible to experience penetration for quite a long time (months or even years) before it finally tears. Once it is fully torn, it should cause no further pain. But it doesn't always tear completely. Some women may find that a piece of it remains for years. If it is bothersome, it can be removed by a physician. Occasionally, a woman will have a hymen that may give her trouble:

 _I had an unusually tough hymen and unsuccessfully attempted intercourse with one lover who, confronted with my inexorable virginity, became impotent. At twenty-one, I found this shattering. Was it my fault? It was particularly hard in light of early molestation. When I did manage my first time, it was with a trusted (and undaunted) friend. It took us several awkward tries. It hurt but it was also a relief._

As with all sexual acts, trust is vital. It isn't just a matter of trusting that your lover will respect your needs and take care of you. You also have to trust your own body; you have to know this is something your body wants. You have to believe that your body can open up and relax and have a good time. Bad experiences with penetration, childhood molestation, adult rape, clumsy partners, or even carelessly done vaginal exams may make a woman's body reluctant to open up to the possibility of sexual pleasure.

_I was in an abusive relationship for a couple of years, and for some time after that I couldn't have orgasms, even with lovers who were not at all abusive. It was like my feeling of self-trust had been damaged, because I had allowed that abuse to happen to me._

In the nineteenth century, it was quite normal for women to experience intercourse as painful and unpleasant. A wife did her duty by her husband; if she enjoyed sex, it was an unexpected bonus. Things have changed, and nowadays, a man is "supposed" to take the time to make his wife happy in bed (and many truly want to do so). Unfortunately, those Victorian ideas still lurk in our subconscious, and there are women who expect intercourse to be painful on a regular basis, not just the first time. And if they believe this, then they will hold their bodies tightly to forestall the pain. A tight vagina does not generally welcome penetration, but there are plenty of things a couple can do that don't involve penetration, which will lead to the woman getting more and more turned on, so that at some point she may feel the desire to have something inside her. Start with nothing bigger than one finger, just at the entrance to the vagina. This is a classic situation where lots of lubrication will make everything feel better. Don't be afraid of making a mess.

#  **The Astounding Vagina**

Vaginas may be short, narrow, tight, long, spacious, wide, soft, big, sensitive, hard, round, muscular, or any combination of these. They can expand and contract very considerably in size. It is amazing how much a vagina may change its texture and shape in a short space of time, depending on the mood of its owner or how it's being stimulated. I strongly recommend that you investigate this phenomenon on yourself, using your own fingers to feel inside yourself at different stages of turn-on. And I certainly recommend anyone who makes love to women to investigate this in their lovers! Hands are the most versatile and wonderful tools of lovemaking. Some women seem to balloon with fingers inside them, while other women tighten down. Some women get hard and muscular inside, and other women get soft, like whipped cream. Some women fluctuate from one to the other.

The cervix (the lower part of the uterus) lies at the back of the vagina, sometimes lower or higher or to one side along the back wall. Although some women like cervical stimulation, it must be gently done. Men should  always practice holding back their desire to "ram it home" until the woman makes it clear that she is ready. Premature intercourse, resulting in the penis hitting the cervix, can be very painful. When a woman is aroused and her body is ready for intercourse, the back of the vagina becomes round (called "tenting"), the uterus pulls upwards, and the cervix retracts. In this position, the cervix is out of the penis's way. Women who are raped often suffer damage to the ligaments that hold the cervix. This is because, due to their lack of arousal during the assault, the cervix isn't pulled out of the way, and it gets battered by the penis. This may result in prolapse of the uterus, which means that the muscles that normally hold the uterus up are unable to do so and the uterus drops down into the vagina.

#  **Taking It Slowly**

Hard, fast, deep penetration can be very hot, and there are certainly times when that is what is wanted. But not many women can take a lot of banging on the back wall of their vaginas, and they may prefer slower, more sensual penetration, at least initially. Almost all women want it slower some of the time, and there is a great deal to be said for allowing the sexual sensations to flood all the way through the body. I stress this, not because I think it is _better_ than fast, hard sex, but because it is something that few people practice. Fast, hard sex is exactly that—it carries you fast and hard, so you don't really have time to let the experience sink fully into your awareness. Since so many of us are uncomfortable with explicitly sexual feelings, we may prefer to keep it that way. It wasn't until I realized how fulfilling it was to be fully open to the depth of my sexual feelings, and the connection with my partner that inevitably followed, that I was able to do sex slowly, and to revel in the exquisite delight of feeling every sensation throughout my whole body.

Deborah Sundahl describes slow, gentle genital massage that is nurturing as well as erotic:

 _There is a way we can learn to drop into ourselves: it requires complete physical, emotional, and mental relaxation. With a slow, gentle touch and deep breathing, we can let go and surrender into the sensations, and reach a state of arousal that is like a meditation. In that stillness, we become alive._

#  **The G-Spot**

The most sensitive area of the vagina is usually the G-spot. This area lies inside the front wall of the vagina about an inch in, just behind the urethral opening. Some women report no sensation at all in the vagina. Others report different sensations of varying intensity in different areas of the vagina, and this is where fingers are the perfect instrument for searching out those wonderfully sensitive places. Try hooking your fingers under the cervix, circling the cervix, hooking your fingers behind the G-spot, stroking the surface of the G-spot, stroking the vaginal walls in a circle with varying pressure, and moving in and out.

Some women never locate anything that corresponds to a G-spot, so don't get hung up on finding it. It is much less distinct in some women than in others. You are looking for a particularly erogenous area within your vagina, not some magical spot. It is a mistake to think of the G-spot as an isolated lump, separate from the rest of your vagina or your clitoris. It is one of several areas of erectile tissue that make up the genitals, a sensitive part of the whole female sexual anatomy, which is united by nerve endings that connect directly to the brain as well as other parts of the body.

Of the women who _do_ recognize a G-spot, some say it is bean-sized, whereas others say it is more like the size of the ball of the thumb.

_It's rough and bumpy. The skin on it is like a strawberry, with pits and bumps._

_My G-spot feels like gills. It feels a little bit different from the rest of my vagina—it has ridges. It's bigger than an almond, more like a Brazil nut._

_My G-spot is about two knuckles long and one knuckle wide, and it feels like a rough sponge covered with little pockets._

_I've never really tried to find it, but it isn't an immediately apparent feature of my body, and even after some years of sexual activity it appears I haven't found it._

_I have no experience of a so-called G-spot and no interest in it either._

#  **Location, Location, Location**

You should be able to feel your G-spot clearly if you just rub your fingers across that area. Because it is erectile tissue, it will begin to swell. Mine quickly develops hard ridges at the lower end (the end closer to the entrance of my vagina) when I rub it. However, it isn't clearly defined; I couldn't say where it ends or begins.

Direct stimulation of the G-spot can be so intense that some women experience it as pain, so please proceed gently! Other women will have trouble differentiating it from any other part of the vagina. But stroking the G-spot may cause an orgasm very quickly, and it causes some women to ejaculate. I discuss female ejaculation in detail in the next chapter.

Because an erect penis doesn't bend (much), it doesn't stimulate the G-spot as well as fingers. (I'm happy to report that all but one of the men who responded to the questionnaire say they regularly used their fingers for penetration.) If you do want a penis or a dildo to stimulate the G-spot, it is a little more effective in certain positions, in particular when the woman is on all fours or bending over, facing away from her partner. Different positions can make a tremendous difference to a woman's enjoyment, so I recommend that you experiment. The best method I have found for locating the G-spot is to lie on your back, have someone insert two fingers into your vagina and curl them up toward the belly, as though using a beckoning motion. This catches the back of the G-spot. From there the fingers should be pulled forward out of the vagina. That way you know you have had your G-spot stroked by the tips of the fingers.

_That feeling of fingers rubbing along my G-spot is just fantastic, and after I first experienced it (which was, of course, with women), that really added a powerful dimension to orgasm that hadn't been there before. A penis just doesn't do it._

_The first time I really became aware of my G-spot was when I started having sex with women. I mean, I must have been having my G-spot stimulated with men, but I never knew it. Becoming aware of G-spot stimulation and doing anal stimulation are what made me have vaginal orgasms._

_How does it feel when someone touches my G-spot? I think I'm gonna die. It's hot but it isn't a temperature—it's a pressure; it's not nice and sweet; it's not like kissing. It sorta has fangs. It's really visceral and intense._

_There is a kind of unlocalized general, pleasant sensation, but it's hard to pin down "there's the spot."_

#  **Toys**

There are many things with which to penetrate a vagina, but please use common sense. Some vegetables work well. Do not use a plastic bottle without a lid, because there is a possibility that you may create suction and then you'll be unable to get the bottle out. Do not use anything with sharp edges, or anything made of glass, which might break.3 Do not use anything round like a ball that might be difficult to retrieve. If you want to experiment, go to a good sex store, or check sex stores online, and buy something specifically made for the purpose. There is an enormous variety of dildos: short, small, fat, wide, thin, long, S-shaped, to mention a few. They come in many different sizes and shapes and colors. Some are curved at the end to get at the G-spot more easily. Some are designed to look like a real penis and scrotum, but they can be made to represent all kinds of things, from dolphins to corn on the cob, from a fist to a woman's body.

Dildos are generally made from rubber, silicone, or plastic-related substances, but they can also be made from metal or wood. I have a friend who made several from driftwood. Obviously, plastic and silicone are the safest because they are perfectly smooth and easily cleaned, though beware of "jelly rubber" toys which contain a chemical known as phthalates that can irritate some women's vaginas. (If a toy smells "plasticky," that's a sign it contains phthalates, so it's best to use a condom on it.) If you use anything made of wood or any other substance, please make sure it won't leave splinters or cause scraping or tearing! It must feel completely smooth to your hand, or better still, your tongue. To ensure cleanliness, which is vital if you plan to use more than one orifice, or have more than one partner, it is best to use a condom on _anything_ used for penetration. Believe me, it is far easier to remove and replace a condom than it is to go into the bathroom and wash the object in question.

_I find putting on a condom very erotic. I love watching fingers unrolling it._

A dildo can be wielded by hand, or, if it has a suitable flange, it can be "strapped on," using an apparatus to attach it somewhere on the body. Usually this is for attaching it in the groin area, but harnesses are now made so that the dildo can be attached to your leg, or your belly, or even your forehead. While this may seem bizarre, it gives rise to some interesting possibilities.

A harness that straps a dildo onto your groin usually consists of a couple of straps that go around each buttock, a strap round the waist, and a piece at the front where you slide the dildo through. It is held in place by a metal or rubber ring (you'll need to have a ring of the right size for the diameter of your dildo). Note that you cannot strap on a dildo unless it has a flange to prevent it sliding all the way through the ring.

#  **To Use a Dildo…or Not Use a Dildo**

Let me philosophize before I go any further. The average reader is probably convulsing with laughter, secretly or openly, at the idea of strapping on a dildo. The quintessential old-fashioned lesbian (in the event that she reads this book), knowing that hands and mouths are by far the most versatile instruments for giving a woman pleasure, is shaking her head in hopeless amazement, and saying, "Why would anyone want to try to copy such a useless piece of equipment as a _penis?"_ And the quintessential heterosexual (who ought to be reading this book) is saying, "My god, what is she talking about, surely only lesbians need to use _dildos?"_ Neither of them can imagine keeping a straight face long enough to actually get the thing on, much less use it.

_I can't imagine anything more ridiculous than a woman wearing a dildo._

I used to be one of the lesbians who couldn't understand why anyone would want to try to copy a penis. What changed my mind? I finally allowed myself to admit that penises fascinate me—not just the physical penis itself (which fascinates me in the same way a vagina does: it's an extraordinary  body part, with a "mind" of its own), but the power that is associated with having a penis. I started playing with dildos as hand-held objects because I had a lover who liked the sensation of something long and hard inside her, and she asked me to use one. There did seem to be times when a dildo could do things a hand could not. The same lover finally persuaded me to strap on. I struggled with my feelings around the absurdity of it all; I finally accepted that she really wanted it and I really wanted to please her, so I obliged. Still, it was another three years before I could see someone with a dildo strapped on without having to suppress the desire to laugh. They do look ridiculous (but then I used to think that about real penises back in the days when I played around with them).

Now that I take dildos seriously, I have lots of fun with them. There is still, and always will be, a huge place in my life and my cunt for hands. However, strapping on has added a new dimension to my love life. One of the great advantages of strapping on a dildo is that it leaves your hands free to do other things. But much more than that physical factor is the psychological factor; there is just something quite different and very enjoyable about having an appendage attached to my groin. It is extremely suggestive. It need not be a blatant visual, although the visuals with a dildo can be wonderful. It can be a bulge tucked inside a pair of jeans, or even under a skirt if you want to get really kinky, or a hard phallus pressing against your belly. You can even buy dildos that ejaculate. The gender-bending aspect of a woman with a penis is intriguing, and the particular pelvic motions that come naturally when you are wearing a dildo are also interesting. All in all, it is an experience worth trying if you can keep a straight (pun intended) face.

#  **Ode to the Dildo**

Although hands are certainly more dexterous than penises, if what you want is to be penetrated with something long, then hands might not do it for you. Dildos are quite versatile; for instance, they can be heated. Place a dildo in a pan of just-boiled water before using it. Nothing relaxes and delights the muscles of the vagina as fast as a hot dildo. It is an experience every woman should have at least once in her lifetime.

Dildos are always there, and always hard, when you want them. They never get tired, they never get soft, they never get diseases (although they  can carry them, and you must make sure you wash them thoroughly, or use condoms, or both). They are never in the way; when you tire of them you can happily fling them into a drawer. Buy several of different shapes and sizes, and have a selection lined up for the evening. You can purchase blow-up dildos attached to a hand-held bulb to enlarge them once they're in place. You never need to worry about your lover's penis being too small or too big or too soft or too unreliable again. And by the way, you can get dildos that your boyfriend or husband can slide over his own penis, either because he has trouble getting an erection or because you want something bigger. Oh, the wonders of modern technology!

If I were a man I think I might be alarmed at the idea that such an important part of my body could be so easily replaced with a lump of plastic. Let me reassure you, there are things a dildo cannot do. They haven't yet invented one that smells or tastes like a man, or one that can reproduce the experience of a penis going from soft to hard.

You may be wondering how the wearer of the dildo can enjoy it, for surely they have no sensation. How do they know they are in the right place at the right time? Skillful use of a strapped-on dildo requires a bit of practice, probably about as much as skillful use of a penis. You may be surprised at how quickly you become accustomed to the feel of a dildo that is in the right place. And there are all kinds of things you can do to make sure it turns you on, such as positioning it so that the base of it stimulates your clitoris, or wearing a small vibrator or another dildo inside you, so that you get plenty of stimulation as you move. The thrusting motion and the feel of the dildo against the pelvis is enough for many women. I know a number of women who come while they are wearing a strap-on: by jerking off using their own hand or someone else's; by penetrating someone; or by having someone suck them off. Some women expect to come this way, and it is their favorite form of sex. Whether it is from the physical stimulation or the psychological effects, who knows? And who cares?

_Coming when I'm strapped on is somewhat tenuous. Getting there is completely dependent on her reactions, her movements, sounds, arousal, need, desire. But if I become too focused on her having an orgasm, the potential I feel building in me to have one will fall by the wayside. If I keep that balance, soon the feeling of potential becomes a feeling of certainty, and then automatic thrusting takes over and I usually roar and bellow as I come. This kind of orgasm seems to go on much longer than the ones I have from masturbating or from being made love to._

I should make it clear that just because a woman experiments with strap-on dildos does not mean she wants to be a man. Most women have no desire to have a permanent penis. What they are doing is playing with the fantasy.

#  **Other Orifices**

Of course the vagina is not the only place on the body that can be penetrated pleasurably. There are other body cavities available for sexual pleasure, such as the mouth and the anus. Anal penetration is discussed in the following chapter.

The mouth is also an erogenous zone. There are lots of things you can have done to your mouth, or can do to your partner's mouth; simply stroking lips with a wet finger, or a finger with wet lips can be intensely arousing. But you can go a lot further than that: you can use your mouth all over someone's body and you can use various parts of your body, including temporary parts of your body like dildos, in or on someone's mouth. Many people find it uncomfortable to have something large in their mouths, but it does not have to be large, and, to be erotic, _it should never be forced down the throat._

Jesse recently came from having her fingers in her lover's mouth:

 _We'd been playing around for a while, and we were both very aroused. She was licking and sucking my fingers. I told her not to move, and I slowly slid my fingers deep into her mouth until I felt the incredible softness at the back of her throat spasm around my fingertips. I held still, totally absorbed in the amazing thing happening between us, and my orgasm just surfaced from deep within me, bursting out in a roar._

The possible variations of sexual play are endless. We forget them when we focus on what we think we're meant to be doing, when we get stuck  on a limited concept of what sex is, and when we fear other people's judgments. I hope this chapter will open your mind to new ways of perceiving sex as a delightfully limitless form of play.

#  _**Notes**_

1 Alice Khan Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and John D. Perry, _The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality_ (Holt, 2005). Originally published in 1982.

2 Linda Valins, _When a Woman's Body Says No to Sex: Understanding and Overcoming Vaginismus_ (Penguin, 1992).

3 There are some dildos that are made out of glass; they're made of special kinds of glass and produced in such a way to make them safe for sexual use. They're solid through and through and thus not easily breakable.


Input: Could not generate response.

Response:
**CHAPTER** **10**

**EJACULATION, FISTING, AND ANAL SEX**

_I don't know what causes me to ejaculate. It's happened very rarely—only as part of a long, intense bout of lovemaking (usually in the first few months of a relationship). I find it slightly embarrassing, though as I get very wet anyway I'm not sure it's that noticeable to anyone else._

What follows are discussions of some of the lesser known possibilities in sexual play—not because I think everyone ought to be doing them, but because information on them is so limited. And these activities can be enormously pleasurable.

#  **The G-Spot and Ejaculation**

The existence of the urethral sponge, or G-spot, and the female ejaculation that is associated with it, are still barely acknowledged and only reluctantly accepted by many people, including many physicians. Why not?  Surely a phenomenon as obvious as ejaculation would be noticed? Not by a society that has ignored and denigrated women and their sexuality for centuries. Female ejaculation was mentioned by Aristotle, so it was known in ancient times, and it is commonly acknowledged in some present-day cultures. The South Pacific Trobriand Islanders described female ejaculation to Western anthropologists who, because of their ignorance, assumed that they were speaking of urination1. The Batoro people, of Uganda, don't consider a woman eligible for marriage until she can spray the wall, and the older women of the tribe teach her how to do so2. The implications of this are significant; obviously women can ejaculate with some force. Would we all ejaculate if it were expected of us?

Ejaculation may be more common among lesbians.

_During twenty years of straight sex I never once experienced ejaculation with a man; now, with women, I ejaculate nearly 100 percent of the time._

This could be because she is more orgasmic with women, or that the kind of sex she does with women is more conducive to ejaculation, or both. It is also possible for a woman to be unaware she is ejaculating.

_After we'd been having sex, there was always a big wet spot in the bed, and I always thought it was him. Much later, another man told me that he could feel me squeezing fluid past his penis when we were having intercourse, and I realized that the wet spot was me._

One woman responded to the questionnaire with: No, she didn't ejaculate. Then she crossed out her "No" and wrote:

 _Well, this is interesting! I was completely unaware of ejaculating until I filled in your questionnaire. Then I talked with my partner, who informed me, with surprise, that I didn't realize that I ejaculate profusely when highly orgasmic, usually with oral stimulation. I said, "I thought all that wetness was just spit!" "No, no, no!" said he._

#  **What Is It and Where Does It Come From?**

When we do notice ejaculation, we may think we are urinating, and if our lovers don't know any better, they may well support us in this assumption. While there are a few women who lose bladder control during sexual activity, female ejaculation is _not_ incontinence. The chemical composition of the fluid that is released is different from urine, although it does contain varying (usually small) quantities of the same substances as urine. It is similar in composition to male ejaculatory fluid, without the semen. It appears to be produced by the paraurethral glands (or Skene's glands), which lie within the erectile tissue of the urethral sponge. The ducts of these glands empty into the urethral canal. Because the male prostate gland is homologous to the urethral sponge, the G-spot is sometimes referred to as the female prostate.

However, because it has not been documented at all until recently, many doctors have no idea that female ejaculation is a perfectly normal sexual response and not an aberration. Women who tend to ejaculate profusely may prevent themselves from doing so, thus censoring their sexuality in order to avoid dealing with negative reactions. Female ejaculation has often been misdiagnosed as urinary stress incontinence. The solution offered for this problem was often surgery. (There is little incentive for a woman to question a doctor's diagnosis when she is not only embarrassed by the condition, but is also desperate to be normal.) We don't know how many women have had unnecessary operations, because there is no way of discerning, in retrospect, whether these patients were ejaculating or, in fact, peeing. It is time for female ejaculation to be recognized for what it is: a completely normal sexual response.

Female ejaculatory fluid is thin and usually clear, although sometimes it has a yellow tinge; it may also be whitish. It does not leave a stain when it dries. One woman, who went to the trouble of collecting hers, says:

 _My ejaculate contains a visible suspension that, over time, will precipitate. This precipitate appears to be whitish and somewhat mucosal, consistent with the type of secretion produced by the male prostate gland._

The ejaculate appears to be expelled from the urethral opening (as is male ejaculate). Women report that it has different odors, varying from sweet  and sexy to a little fishy, but they all say it is odorless when it dries. You may realize you are ejaculating if you find you are not quite so well lubed down there, even though you are still very excited. The ejaculate is watery and has the same effect as water: things don't slide on it, and it tends to wash away the lubrication. It is quite unlike the thick, clear, or whitish slippery secretion that is produced in fairly small quantities by an excited vagina.

The fact is, we still know very little about female ejaculation, and about the range of possible sexual responses. The first time I experienced a woman ejaculating, I thought it was the hottest thing that had happened to me in a long time, and I didn't care whether it was pee or not. She hit me in the chest with a powerful spray of fluid as I knelt between her legs with my fingers inside her. I was astounded. This particular lover would regularly soak the bed with her ejaculations. Sometimes she would flood, and sometimes she would squirt. I usually left the sheets drawn back after we'd made love, so that the bed would dry. The fluid never left a stain or an odor once it was dry. One day we were coming out of the bedroom when a couple of friends of mine were in the hallway. I saw one of them look at the bed and then clutch her lover's arm in excitement. "Look, Jane, someone else does it! I'm not the only one!" She knew exactly where that wet spot came from. Like many women, she was embarrassed about her tendency to ejaculate, and very happy to find out that she was indeed not the only one.

This is how one man feels about it:

 _I love to help a woman explore her capacity to ejaculate, I love to make it happen, and I love to be covered in it when it does._

#  **Who? When? How Much?**

Some women apparently never ejaculate at all; some have always ejaculated since they first became actively sexual; some ejaculate only with a lot of penetration; some women teach themselves to do it; others try to learn without success; some women squirt fluid; others just flood.

What is responsible for the variation? One hypothesis suggests that it may depend on the number of paraurethral glands in the urethral sponge; some women may have thirty or more, while others may have only five or six. One of the men I spoke with claims that there is a correlation between  the size of the G-spot and ejaculation. According to his theory, the larger and more well-defined a woman's G-spot is (which may well relate to the number of glands and ducts in the urethral sponge), the more likely she is to ejaculate.

The strength of the PC muscle may also play a part, although I know women with very strong pelvic muscles who don't ejaculate.

_The more fit and muscular I am, due to weight training and lots of pelvic tilt exercises, the easier and more intense my ejaculatory orgasms are._

The stimulus that causes ejaculation to occur varies from woman to woman, as do all sexual responses, and it also varies according to her psychological and emotional state. A number of women report that the same kind of stimulation will sometimes fail to make them ejaculate at all, and at other times make them flood the bed. A few women can consciously make it happen, but most can't. Several women have commented that they associate ejaculation with being relaxed, and I believe this is a key factor. In this sense it's a different experience from a purely clitoral orgasm, which often seems to require some preliminary tension.

_With a G-spot orgasm I find there is a need to relax that isn't necessary for a clitoral orgasm. I have to remember to relax, to let the sensation go up inside._

It is also possible that ejaculation occurs in some women and not in others due to a range of anatomical differences. Anatomical variations in the genital region are not unusual, and it seems reasonable to suppose that there is a gradation of ability to ejaculate, related to small differences in the equipment a person is born with.

_I ejaculate frequently just because I am aroused, without any physical stimulation of my G-spot._

Oral sex is a fairly common method of incitement. So are vibrators. Joy taught herself to ejaculate by experimenting at home until she found the right combination of stimuli to do it herself. She uses a strong vibrator  but finds the combination of deep penetration and vibrator is more reliable. Linda uses a heavy-duty vibrator pressed against her vulva, angled slightly upward.

But in the majority of cases, ejaculation seems to result from intense sexual arousal involving direct G-spot stimulation. Laura can ejaculate without being touched at all, but, according to her lover, she ejaculates more copiously when she is being stimulated by fingers hooked behind her G-spot.

Some women only ejaculate with penetration. Quite a few of the women I spoke with were in their forties and had started to ejaculate recently. Indeed, women such as Terry, Jesse, and myself all associate the experience of ejaculation with fisting, or at least with heavy penetration. However, it may be simply that we are at an age and a place in our lives when we are more open and relaxed, mentally and physically, thus allowing us to experience new sensations.

_The most typical and most gratifying ejaculatory orgasm I know is through strapping on and having "intercourse" with a woman. When a partner is not available, I ejaculate through male-like masturbation, either by simulating intercourse (e.g., humping a pillow) or by jerking off (wearing a strap-on)._

_So you see, for me, and I assume I am not alone, ejaculation is more akin to the type of ejaculatory response experienced by men; there is no direct involvement of the vagina._

If your partner sits between your legs, he or she can feel your G-spot by inserting two fingers and then curling the fingers up as though making a beckoning motion. For most women, that is the position that will stimulate them to ejaculate, although it may be too intense, producing a strong sensation of the desire to urinate. This need to urinate may be misleading; many women report feeling the need to pee just prior to ejaculation, when, in fact, that intense swelling feeling is the precursor to ejaculation. It may be that women who would otherwise ejaculate stop themselves from doing so, because they think they are going to pee. It is possible to retrain yourself to experience urination anxiety as a pleasurable sexual response. You can do this by sitting on the toilet, emptying your bladder completely, and then stimulating your G-spot until you feel the need to pee again. You will probably find you don't actually need to. Every time you  think you do, let yourself do so, and then resume touching your G-spot.

The amount of ejaculate varies considerably from event to event and woman to woman. Some women may consistently ejaculate, but only in small amounts. Other women ejaculate copiously. The amount of fluid that can be produced is phenomenal, and a few women can carry on for an hour or even more.

_Multiple, back-to-back ejaculations do not decrease the volume of ejaculate produced; the fourth or fifth ejaculation can be just as voluminous as the first._

_One of my current companions is a "hair trigger." A few licks and tickles and a bit of heavy pressure and massage with two or three fingers, and she's primed for a series of flowing orgasms that flood the bed (impervious ground cloth under the sheets leaves three to five sodden towels and actual pools that we end up rolling around in). It always amazes me the quantity of fluid that she is capable of producing and how quickly she can recover and go again._

#  **The Relationship of Orgasm to Ejaculation**

Ejaculation is sometimes simultaneous with orgasm, but definitely not for all women all of the time. Some said it was not related to orgasms. Quite a number of the women I questioned said that it commonly occurred just before orgasm, but for some it occurred afterward. For women who have multiple orgasms, it can be quite difficult to distinguish between what is an orgasm and what is the plateau between. However, this woman is very clearly able to differentiate, and finds that ejaculation is a kind of orgasm in itself:

 _I have always ejaculated, although I didn't have a clitoral orgasm until I was forty-four. Nowadays I ejaculate before or after a clitoral orgasm, not during. I can tell when I am about to ejaculate. It's a buildup to a climax and then a sudden relief of tension, satisfying in itself but quite different from the deep orgasm I have with clitoral stimulation, which is like a flow of energy exploding from the sex center with waves up the spine and down to the fingers and toes, which then gradually ebbs away deliciously._

The woman quoted below is clear that ejaculation enhances her orgasms:

 _Ejaculatory orgasms are far, far more intense and decidedly more satisfying than any nonejaculatory orgasm I've ever had._

One woman says that she loses all interest in and desire for sex after she has ejaculated, even though she doesn't experience the ejaculation as an orgasm in itself:

 _I ejaculate from vaginal stimulation only, when my vagina is dilated and very wet. The ejaculation makes me too wet to orgasm and everything relaxes; sensation is gone and I hardly notice any further stimulation._

#  **The Power of Ejaculation**

Freed from the embarrassment of thinking they are incontinent, most women find ejaculation very pleasurable. Deborah Sundahl, who has produced a video called _How to Female Ejaculate_ _3_ _,_ connects its physical and emotional release with a deeply cleansing spiritual surrender.

The first time Linda ejaculated a sizeable quantity of fluid, she felt that the expulsion of the fluid was directly connected to her rage against a man who had abused her:

 _I started having orgasm after orgasm and I got to the ninth one, and all of a sudden I shot out an ounce or two of fluid. I had ejaculated before but only a little bit, nothing like this. While I was masturbating I'd been thinking about this man who had sexually and emotionally abused me, and I'd been cursing him and yelling at him. It was like the ejaculation was a huge emotional release. I still had more orgasms inside me, and I still felt angry. I was gnashing my teeth, so I carried on and had three or four more, and then on the fourteenth one I shot out almost exactly the same quantity of fluid as the first time. I was so amazed—here I found I could shoot out all that fluid; I mean, where did it come from?_

My personal experience is that I never know when I have done it, and other women say the same thing: there were times when they had what they thought was the sensation of ejaculation, but there didn't appear to be any ejaculate; and there were other times when they were surprised to discover that they had soaked the bed.

_It's not always simultaneous with an orgasm, and sometimes it feels like a whole other kind of orgasm. Other times I don't know I'm doing it until I find there's a big puddle. I squirt, I don't flood; I once shot a couple of feet at least. Sometimes both me and my lover think I'd be ejaculating but I'm not._

Even women who had been doing it all their lives said that sometimes they only knew they were ejaculating because there were certain kinds of stimulation that always made it happen.

Victoria and Judy, who both ejaculate on a regular basis, commonly push out whatever is inside them—fingers, dildo, penis, fist—by contracting their vaginal muscles very hard when they ejaculate. If they're not able to do that, then they can't squirt (though they may flood and seep) because the fluid cannot escape; and perhaps also because they cannot contract the vaginal walls.

#  **Vaginal Fisting**

Fisting is an activity that involves one person inserting his or her whole hand into another person's anus or vagina. It is as intense an experience as it sounds. Before attempting fisting, speak with someone who is experienced or read about how to do it. See the Resources section for suggestions.

Vaginal fisting is a common practice among some lesbians. It is presumably less common amongst heterosexuals, because they are less likely to use their hands in sexual play. Men also tend to have larger fists. In theory, anyone can fist anyone else, no matter what their sexual orientation. It is not an activity that is limited to women who have had babies, have large vaginas, and have lovers with small hands, although all these may be advantages. The only essential prerequisite is the desire to do so, coupled with the belief that it is not only possible but enjoyable. Many of us have a psychological block against fisting because we think it will be painful.  In fact, when our bodies are ready for it, there is no pain associated with fisting, only pleasure.

Nevertheless, as a concept, fisting is totally out of the question for many of us—and there was certainly a time when it was unimaginable to me. I could not visualize comfortably accommodating more than two or, at most, three fingers in my vagina. There are still times when this is true for me. The first time I conceived the possibility that I might take someone's whole hand inside me, I dismissed it at once. At that time, my lover had had a baby, but I had not. So, I reasoned, my vagina was not likely to be able to expand enough to take a fist. But…lo and behold, a few months went by, and we got close to it several times, until I got frightened and tightened up. She kept telling me I was huge inside. I knew what _she_ was capable of; her vagina opened up into a huge, moist cave. Was mine doing the same thing? One day when we had been making love for a while, I put my fingers inside my own vagina, and sure enough, there was plenty of room in there. Pretty soon thereafter she slipped her whole hand inside me. There was a moment of cramping and then a blissfully intense sensation. I had never felt so delightfully filled up.

The vagina is designed to expand to allow a baby's head and body to pass through it, and most newborns' heads are bigger than most adult's fists, and some women's fists are smaller than some men's penises. Men should remember that they tend to have big fists, and _nothing should ever be forced into the vagina._

What makes vaginal fisting possible is the ability of the vagina to change its shape when it is stimulated in the right kinds of ways. It is normal for a vagina to "balloon," that is, the muscles of the vaginal walls contract very tightly and pull away from each other, forming a spacious, round, hard-walled cave. In the previous chapter, I mentioned "tenting," which is apparently the early stages of ballooning. A ballooned vagina is an ideal receptacle for something round like a fist. I personally find that my vagina alternates quite rapidly between this ballooned state and the opposite state, where the walls turn completely soft, like whipped cream, and the whole vagina closes in on itself. The walls are so soft at that point that it's almost as though the vagina is trying to suck something in. It's like putting your hand inside a jellyfish that doesn't sting!

Someone who is not already perfectly comfortable with deep penetration (five fingers) is not going to be able to take a fist, so don't even  try. But if you have been enjoying deep penetration and can take all five of your partner's fingers without discomfort, then slipping past the third set of knuckles is quite possible. However, you do need to be in an emotional space where you can completely relax. You must trust your partner. Make sure she or he fully understands how to do it. Being fisted requires a profound level of surrender. Set aside time for foreplay that really turns you on. Give your partner plenty of verbal feedback about how it feels and what you want. Be prepared for a little cramping the first time you are fisted. _Stop at once if you experience any severe pain._ The same warnings apply to fisting as to all sexual activities: be willing to let go of the idea if it becomes uncomfortable or painful. It does no good for your head to decide today will be the day if your body is not in agreement. Put aside your agenda, and don't be in a hurry. You can always try again another day.

There have been times when my head wants my vagina to take a fist, and my body has refused it. Why my body sometimes refuses a fist is a matter for conjecture since my body doesn't form words except under instruction from my head. But I would say it is because there are some unresolved emotional issues with my lover, usually issues that have nothing to do with sex, and often issues that I think I have already dealt with. But my body responds on a physical level, as bodies tend to do, by not letting her in physically.

#  **The How-tos of Vaginal Fisting**

_You have to be careful with fisting; there is a thin edge between what you want and what your body can take. You get so into it that you want to have a sense of something driving up through your eyeballs. You really have to trust someone to let yourself experience that. With fisting you have to consciously consent to the whole sexual experience, not just to orgasm._

If you are going to fist someone, make sure your fingernails are short and smooth, and you have no hangnails. Remove rings, bracelets, and wristwatches. The contact between your hand and your partner's vaginal walls will be much greater than when you're just using a couple of fingers, so a  latex glove (or other kind) is necessary for safer sex, and may in any case ensure that you don't abrade your lover. If you have longer nails, put cotton balls in the fingertips of the glove before you put it on. Use lots of lube, approximately three times as much as you think you need. Apply it to the fist, though it's a good idea to smear some around the vagina as well. Don't hesitate to stop and apply more any time you think you may need it.

The entrance to the vagina must be relaxed, since that is normally the tightest part. There are two rings of muscle that control the entrance to the vagina, and the inner ring is the part that tenses up.

Take your time. Make yourselves comfortable. You could have your partner lie on her back with her legs over the end of the bed while you sit on a chair between her legs. If you arrange yourself so that you are sitting a little lower than the fistee, you won't have to bend your wrist so much, and the angle of penetration is slightly up toward her belly rather than down toward her spine, which she may find more comfortable. The fistee could also be on all fours, facing away from the fister.

Spend as much time as you need—hours, if necessary—just playing around, with three or four or all five fingers up to the second set of knuckles. If you're smart, you will not be attempting this unless you are accustomed to this kind of play already. At this stage, keep your fingers together and straight, or only slightly bent. Keep your thumb curled in so that it lies in the center of your palm. If the fistee is not happy with five fingers, then don't press on!

Follow your partner's direction as to when to push and when not to push. Be sensitive to her body language. Tune in to her responses and watch her facial expressions.

When, finally, your third set of knuckles slides in past the tight point, let your hand close into a fist, preferably with your thumb tucked inside. At this juncture your partner might want you to hold still inside since she may experience a little cramping. Usually this will pass within a few seconds; if it doesn't, gently remove your fist and try again another day. You can try some clitoral stimulation, as this sometimes eases the cramping, but if you are both beginners, it is wiser to withdraw.

Invite feedback, and allow your partner to direct the action. Clitoral stimulation at any point during the process may feel very good. Lightly stroking or fluttering your hand on the belly just above the pubic bone can also be very pleasing, as can stroking her thighs, buttocks, and nipples.

_It's a completion of experience, having my hand in another woman's vagina._

Removing your fist when you're finished is often easier said than done, especially as your partner may tighten down if she orgasms. And after she comes once or twice or more, your hand may begin to feel as if it's being sliced off at the wrist. You can either time the removal of your hand with the final contractions of an orgasm, at which point she is usually pushing out, or you can wait until she's finished and starts to relax, and then ease your hand out as best as you can. It may help to have the fistee take a deep breath; the fister can then gently ease the fist out on the fistee's exhale.

_I recall one time when I was being fisted and the fist got stuck, and it wasn't until we started joking about having to spend the rest of our lives that way, and laughing hilariously, that we were able to come unstuck._

What do you do with your fist while it's in there? That depends very much or your partner and the size of your fist. If you have a large fist or she has a small vagina, you may not be able to move much, and she may simply get off on the sensation of being filled up; she may not want you to move at all, and your attempts to move may cause cramping. But if you have a small fist or she has a large vagina, you may be able to move quite a bit. Moving sideways, to and fro, or round and round, even very slightly, can be very exciting. Be careful not to push hard into the vagina since you may hit her cervix. If you have lots of room, try extending your fingers and stroking the walls of her vagina in various places with your knuckles and fingertips. You can also try just expanding and tightening your fist.

If your partner is on all fours, facing away from you, the sensations of movement inside are quite different. Some people definitely prefer being fisted in this position.

#  **Vaginal Fisting and Orgasms**

Being fisted is certainly an incredible experience, and the orgasms that result are often very intense. Along with the extraordinary feelings of trust and openness, several women I spoke with experience a sense of  helplessness and immobility, which they enjoy. For others, it is not vulnerability but aggression that comes to the surface.

_When I am being fisted I feel very aggressive, very primal, very "animalistic." I get incredibly loud and I growl. It is probably the only time I am 100 percent selfish in sex, and I think if anyone tried to step in and stop it, I would snarl and snap like a wolf whose kill is being threatened! Also, my orgasms are different, less of a spike upward to orgasm and more of a long, slow ramp, indescribably intense and pleasurable with a hint of pain._

**—MARY**

_When I am the fister, it makes me feel incredibly powerful! I feel like I am inside her soul, like there is total spiritual communion with her; to experience her complete surrender to me; to smell, hear, and see her arousal; to feel her opening to my hand, to my will!_

**—MARY**

_It arouses a feeling so intense in me that I feel as if I'm going to explode from the inside…and the orgasm I have is not the same as a clitoral orgasm, it's much more intensified…it feels like I can't take any more, but I don't want the feeling to stop._

**—DENICE**

_The experience of fisting is the purest transfer of kundalini, and the most intense intimacy, that I know._

**—CATHERINE A. LISZT**

_For a while now, I've recognized that I finally "learned" how to meditate during my quest to be fisted. That sense of relaxation, of concentration and not-concentration, of openness, of wholeness…I was somewhat floored when I first realized that what I was doing was, essentially, meditating, and that this was why the sensation was so much more intense and fulfilling._

_I really couldn't figure out why fisting was so different from other types of penetration, why that particular type of openness was something I was so intensely drawn to, until I thought about kundalini. The openness is the same as I get during my meditation /masturbation exercises, but there's something further…the degree of connection…yes, it is like being touched, inside, not in my body but in my energy stream. It's touch that goes beyond the physical into a different kind of sensation._

**—RENEE**

This is by no means a complete introduction to fisting. If fisting is an activity that interests you, I suggest reading _A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting,_ by Deborah Addington.4

#  **Anal Sex**

Many women find the idea of anal sex off-putting, and usually it is because we are concerned about hygiene, or because it seems so invasive, or because we expect it to be painful. Transmission of AIDS and other diseases such as hepatitis can certainly occur through anal sex more quickly than through other forms of sexual play, but latex or nitrile gloves and condoms are effective barriers.

Anal sex should not hurt, and if it does, stop! The anus is a taboo area of the body, and we may simply not wish to deal with the feelings that come up when someone touches us there. On the other hand, it is exactly that taboo quality that attracts others to it.

The anus is full of nerve endings, which can make for very pleasurable sensations. If you wish to try anal sex, the same rules apply as for vaginal fisting: relax, take it slowly, use plenty of lube, give and be willing to receive feedback. Using plenty of lubrication for anal sex is essential, since the anus does not provide any natural lubrication. To begin with, you may simply want to spend time stroking the outside of the anus, which can be extremely erotic in itself, without any penetration at all.

The art in anal penetration is learning to relax the anal sphincter, and most people find this does require practice and trust, so don't expect to be able to perform anal penetration with more than one finger in one day. It may take months to be ready and willing to accept something as large as  a penis (even a fairly small one). There is no hurry. The best preparation is doing it a little at a time, both alone and with a partner.

Oral stimulation of the anus is another option. However, ingestion of fecal matter can cause hepatitis and other diseases, so always use a protective barrier before you proceed. Use scissors to cut a glove open on one side so that your tongue will fit in the thumbhole; apply some lube to the skin, to increase sensitivity. You may also use plastic wrap.

Due to the ease of transmitting disease during anal play, I strongly recommend using a glove for anal penetration with a finger or fingers. It is a matter of basic hygiene; if you encounter fecal matter in there (which is fairly common, and certainly isn't the end of the world), you can simply rip the glove off when you're done, turning it inside out as you do so. Using a glove can also ensure that you don't accidentally use an unwashed hand in the vagina. Introducing even minute amounts of fecal matter into the vagina will almost certainly lead to a vaginal, bladder, or kidney infection.

Gloves also protect you from any other disease contamination that might occur; the lining of the rectum is very thin, and minute tears can occur quite easily. Be careful that you don't insert anything remotely sharpedged into the anus, and that includes your fingernails. Make absolutely sure that your nails are short and smooth.

Of course, you can use other objects for anal penetration; butt plugs designed especially for that purpose can be acquired from any sex store. They are usually made of plastic or silicone, in a variety of shapes and sizes. Even if you use a condom on them, they should be thoroughly washed after use, with an antibacterial soap. Obviously you can use a dildo or a penis. Never use anything breakable or sharp, and never use anything that does not have a flange to prevent it going all the way up inside the rectum, where you won't be able to retrieve it. If you get something stuck up inside, you will have to go to the emergency room to have it removed. And that won't be fun.

Once you have inserted something inside the anus, you may want to hold it still, especially if you are a beginner. Sometimes the sensation of moving in and out can make the receiver want to empty his or her bowels. The anal sphincter responds automatically by tightening up, and this can become uncomfortable.

Anal fisting (called handballing in some gay male circles) is not something I have ever done, but I know a few women, and a number of men,  who do it and love it. I reckon anyone who allows themselves to be anally fisted has perfected the art of relaxation.

Whether you are engaging in anal sex or vaginal penetration, you want to try to make sure your bowels are at least fairly empty, in order to ensure comfort for both you and your partner. Intense penetration squashes things around in there, and if you're trying to prevent yourself from going while you're trying to come, you will experience some conflict. On the other hand, you might not care what happens. It certainly doesn't have to matter in a practical sense if you do lose control of your bladder or your bowels. These are, after all, perfectly normal, natural bodily functions, and anything can be cleaned up.

But most of us would be mortified with embarrassment in the wake of such an "accident" while we are making love. So visit the restroom before you have sex, or during if you need to. If you're going to have anal sex, wash around your anus first, and if you feel the need, you can always do an enema to clean out your bowels. Or you can do an enema as part of your play.

The most important thing is not to have sex when you feel uncomfortable about it; your partner can wait. If you have a date and you anticipate some heavy duty kind of penetration, use common sense and don't eat a big meal just beforehand. If you know you tend to feel a little bloated in the morning, then don't have sex in the mornings. Take care of your general health: eat well, and make sure there is plenty of fiber in your diet. Do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable, and remember, we all urinate and defecate, so neither you nor your partner will die if you come into contact with a little bit of pee or poop.

Anal sex can be enormously erotic, both because the anal canal is full of sensitive nerve endings, and because it leads to a level of vulnerability that can be very rewarding.

_For me, anal sex is a pathway to ecstasy. It makes sex so much more intense. The orgasms I have when I'm doing anal sex involve more of my body. They crawl up my spine._

Don't do it unless you are willing to be vulnerable, and you know that your partner will appreciate, respect, and care for you when you are in that state of vulnerability.

Some women actually prefer anal sex to vaginal sex. The G-spot can be stimulated through the thin rectal wall, and the perineal sponge is stimulated directly during anal penetration; both of these have highly erogenous erectile tissue. A very few women are able to come from anal penetration alone, and a few more say they come more easily when they are doing anal sex, as long as they are getting some other kind of stimulation as well. Some women seem to find that stimulation of the anal area relates more directly to clitoral stimulation than vaginal stimulation does, which is not as outlandish as it seems, when you consider that there is a much greater concentration of nerve endings around the anus and the clitoris than in the vagina.

_I wouldn't say I come more easily during anal sex; it is just different, I am more "out of control" with it._

_Orgasms from anal sex come from a different place. I feel them deep in my first chakra._

_I don't know if it's the naughtiness taboo, but I find anal sex intensely pleasurable and come a lot quicker. When I was with men I used to prefer anal sex as it left my clitoris more accessible to my fingers. Also it didn't dull sensation, which is what happened during vaginal penetration with men._

This section does not pretend to be a complete guide to anal sex. I recommend Tristan Taormino's book, _The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women_.5 This is an excellent book for men too. Men are perfectly capable of enjoying anal stimulation and penetration, although many of them are also afraid of it, often more so than women are. There are two likely reasons for this: firstly, they are afraid it might mean they are gay. I really cannot go into how ridiculous this is, so I hope it will be enough for me to point out that the presence of a penis is not required for anal penetration. Secondly, I think men are afraid of how vulnerable it will make them if they admit they want anal penetration. And it will make them vulnerable, there is no doubt about that; you cannot bend over and allow someone to penetrate you and still feel that you are in control. How sad that so many men will never experience the glory of fully surrendering in total trust to another person, and so many women will never be the recipient of that trust.

#  _**Notes**_

1 Alice Khan Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and John D. Perry, _The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality_ (Holt, 2005). Originally published in 1982.

2 Ladas, Whipple, and Perry, _The G-Spot_.

3 DVD: _How to Female Ejaculate: Find Your G-Spot_ , Deborah Sundahl, Fatale Media, 60 minutes. Original video was released in 1992.

4 Deborah Addington, _A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting_ (Greenery Press, 1997).

5 Tristan Taormino, _The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, 2nd Edition_ (Cleis Press, 2006).