Input: Write a chapter for a book about the physical experience of orgasm. Discuss the different types of orgasm women may have, including clitoral and vaginal orgasms. Address the misconceptions about these types of orgasms and emphasize the importance of individual experiences and preferences. Provide examples of different types of orgasm based on women's personal experiences, such as physical buildup and release, emotional components, and spiritual ecstasy. Discuss the challenges of describing an orgasm and the importance of finding the language to do so. Address the myth of the definitive orgasm and the cultural factors that have contributed to this myth. Provide tips for enhancing the orgasm experience, such as focusing on the whole body and being tuned in to one's partner. Discuss the experience of multiple orgasms and how they can vary for different women. Provide examples of different types of multiple orgasms, including larger and longer orgasms, and constant orgasms during all-night lovemaking sessions. Address the misconception that all women should experience multiple orgasms and emphasize the importance of individual experiences and preferences. Provide tips for enhancing the multiple orgasm experience, such as taking breaks between orgasms and focusing on different types of stimulation.

Response:
**CHAPTER** **3**

**THE PHYSICAL EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM**

_I think the main difference in the types of orgasm I have has to do with how involved I feel. I can have orgasms from clitoral stimulation which just feel like physical buildup and release (also true of masturbation even when it involves penetration). These orgasms generally feel confined to my genital area. Orgasms induced by my partner licking, stroking, and penetrating me, I feel through my whole body, and they are likely to have a stronger emotional component. They are the sort that leave me feeling more cleansed and released. Sometimes I'll have an orgasm while making love to someone else from rubbing against them or hearing them. Those usually feel like a sort of fizz up through my body, and they're physical rather than emotional (although, of course, they have power / excitement connotations)._

_When I have multiple orgasms they are a mixture of types, for instance, a couple of little ones followed by a big "emotional" one or vice versa._

_I have unlimited types of orgasm: sometimes they involve the whole of me, sometimes just specific parts. The most wonderful ones are when each one of my muscles tightens and then releases._

_Each orgasm is different—some give merely physical release; some are spiritual ecstasy. At its best, there is a slow, exquisite buildup that feels increasingly electrical, where gradually more and more parts of my body get "involved" in the buildup, where I begin to feel down to the cells of my body, and up to the spirit of my heart, like a whirlpool that spins wider and deeper._

When I first began asking women to explain what exactly went on for them when they were being sexual, many had very little to say. They didn't have the language to describe their feelings and sensations. But as the interviews progressed, their words started to flow. In the end, everyone said they found the process of sexual arousal fascinating to think and talk about in detail, especially when they had the opportunity to listen to other women.

It's not surprising that finding the words to describe an orgasm is initially difficult, because we have been trained to avoid thinking about our bodies and our feelings. In fact we are trained not to verbalize our sexual experiences at all. Thus it is initially uncomfortable to try to bring our sexual feelings into the mental realm; we would often prefer to keep them unfocused, blurry. A great deal of the feedback I got from the questionnaire was embarrassment. Some women dismissed it, saying, "Oh, there's already been so much written about sex." Others openly acknowledged that they didn't even want to read through the questionnaire because it made them think about sex more than they liked to. In many cases it was clear that the discomfort went as far as real shame. Apparently the sex-negative attitudes of our society extend even to thinking about sex.

#  **The Myth of the Definitive Orgasm**

Freud defined two types of female orgasm: vaginal and clitoral. He claimed that as a woman matured, she would—or should—transfer the site of her orgasm from the clitoris to the vagina. In other words, she should experience orgasm as a result of intercourse, and not as a result of clitoral stimulation. What we must remember is that Freud was only relaying what  the men of his time wanted to believe. They didn't want to hear that intercourse is only one form of sexual play and that most women prefer a variety. They didn't want to be responsible for their partner's pleasure. They just wanted to hear that it was their job to get on top and pump away until they themselves came, and if the woman didn't come in that time, she was inadequate, and it certainly wasn't a male's responsibility to do anything differently.

Although many of the women I spoke with certainly experience intense pleasure from vaginal penetration, relatively few come without clitoral stimulation. They say either that they have lots of different kinds of orgasm, or that the difference is not in where the orgasm originates, but in its intensity; or that they like to have vaginal stimulation when they are having a "clitoral" orgasm; or that they need to have clitoral stimulation in order to have a "vaginal" orgasm. Many said they could not equate their experience of orgasm with what was being done to them, because there were far too many other factors involved. Some had their own classifications that had nothing to do with clitoral or vaginal categories.

_I have two different kinds of orgasm. One is created by tension and the other is more relaxed. The tension type are more electrical; the relaxed ones are like riding a wave._

_Mine vary. Some are quiet as a sigh. Some are tumultuous—a tension building, pure delight, anticipation, everything concentrated upon sensation, and then waves of release, pleasure, joy—and then, a new tension, a new peak, total incandescent energy._

In other words, a strict separation into vaginal and clitoral is an artificial and very misleading division, imposed from a male perspective. However, it is a classification that has been widely used, and the clitoris and the vagina are the two areas of female anatomy that have been identified as the centers of erotic sensation. I believe it is a mistake to think of the vagina as one organ and the clitoris as another separate organ. They are parts of the same structure.

Most women I interviewed were rather vague when I asked if they had separate vaginal and clitoral orgasms, and I had to ask several times;  even then the clearest distinction I got was usually very qualified. Women on the verge of orgasm are often experiencing diffuse sensations that permeate their whole genital area and sometimes their whole body. And they may react quite differently to the same stimuli from one day to the next, depending on many variables, such as who is touching them and what with, or the time of the month, or how relaxed they were prior to being sexual.

_I don't have one sensation of orgasm but many, depending on many things: whether it's the first or the twenty-fifth, whether I relax and let the sensations just roll over me, what kind of lead-in there is, if it's just purely a physical response, and so on._

_Different things cause different orgasms—an intense vibrator can cause an explosive one whereas a timid, battery-operated vibrator will make an irritatingly fluttery and less-than-complete feeling._

_The most common kind of orgasms I have are several little clitoral / vaginal pulsating ones in a row. With penetration I have a deep orgasm that involves uterine contractions. Multiple orgasms are like little shuddering quakes._

_I like to have fast, hard orgasms during my period to relieve my cramps. If I'm masturbating (which I do most every day) and I'm tired, then it usually takes a lot of buildup and I have one or two big spasms. I have long orgasms with my partner—they feel deep (even without penetration), they last a long time, and they make me shiver for several minutes afterward._

Women who do not come easily are much more likely to be able to be specific about what they need, but they're also unlikely to identify with the separation between clitoral and vaginal orgasms. _None_ of the women I spoke with related to the value judgment that women should cease to have clitoral orgasms as they matured.

Of the women I have personally been sexual with, there is one woman who came close to fitting the pattern of having truly distinct vaginal and clitoral orgasms. Judy's orgasms are clearly defined: one comes from clitoral  stimulation only and the other comes from vaginal stimulation only, and the sensations associated with each one are quite distinct. What is interesting about her sexual responses is that, because she has such distinct vaginal and clitoral orgasms, and never mixes the two kinds of stimulation, her descriptions of them are very articulate, whereas none of the other women I spoke to could separate them with such precision. Even women who did define separate kinds of orgasm were rarely able to say categorically what kind of stimulation would lead to which kind of orgasm. Judy's unswerving clarity about this was unique among the women I interviewed:

 _I have a clitoral orgasm either from having oral sex performed or from using my hand on my clitoris. I don't want penetration when I'm having my clitoris stimulated; I find it distracting and not particularly pleasant. This kind of orgasm wracks my body; it pulls me forward and keeps coming in a series of waves. My abdominal muscles spasm, curling me up, pulling me in. l feel lines of electricity running down my legs and into my abdomen and chest. The energy feels very central, like a core inside me, and from there it spreads to different parts of my body. After one clitoral orgasm my clit is way too sensitive to be touched any more, so I have one big one, and that's it._

_Vaginal orgasms are a going-out energy; they feel like an expulsive thing. I'm so into the sensation of penetration that I really want my lover to concentrate all her energy on that, and I don't really want her to touch my clitoris. My vaginal orgasms are multiple, and each succeeding one gets more intense as I have them, until my whole body shudders and vibrates, from my head down to my feet or my feet up to my head. How many I have depends on my lover's stamina. I'm not sure how many I can have, maybe up to ten._

_A clitoral orgasm has a mental connection. I have to feel an element of safety and vulnerability. I can't let my body go in the same way, like I can with a vaginal orgasm. I can't be disconnected. I need my head and my heart involved. With vaginal orgasms, sometimes just my body is involved, my entire body, outside as well as inside. They are coarser, more external, more flesh and blood, more body, less energetic._

Carol is fairly typical of many women: although she enjoys both kinds of stimulation, she's not able to be specific about what would make one or the other kind of orgasm occur.

_I definitely have different kinds, and I guess I'd divide them into vaginal and clitoral. But I always have to have some kind of clitoral stimulation, even for a vaginal orgasm. These are more emotional and intense; they are deep, constricting, pounding. I feel the contractions far inside. The waves from orgasm can go on for more than a minute sometimes, and then I can have another one, often five or six. The second one is always stronger than the first. I can sometimes have these without penetration, just from long, hard clitoral stimulation. But if I'm being penetrated, I'm sure to have a vaginal orgasm. The clitoral orgasms are sort of an electrical jolt, and sometimes they're just like a blip. They're more a surface experience._

Victoria craves deep penetration, and she corroborates Carol's experience of "blips," although she has a different name for them:

 _I've tried to like vibrators, but I just don't. My orgasms are not nearly as powerful with them, just this quick "veeet!"_

Donna, like Carol, differentiates between clitoral and vaginal orgasms, and her vaginal orgasms are multiple, but otherwise her description of what she experiences is quite different; her clitoral orgasms are more physical and much shorter:

 _I have very different kinds of orgasms: I guess you could call them clitoral and vaginal. Clitoral orgasms are fast and hard, intense and short, more physical. I tend to hold my breath with them. Vaginal orgasms have more of a buildup and there's a sense of pulsing, which I think is a uterine contraction, although sometimes it's a whole-body contraction if the orgasm is more extended. I get aftershocks as well. Over several hours, they may vary a great deal. They may occur in different parts of my body, depending on what's being stimulated. All the parts of my body are sensual. I can feel orgasms from the back of my throat all the way down to my vagina, and into my legs._

Andrea is typical of the many women who aren't able to make specific distinctions all the time, but she talks of clitoral orgasms as being more final:

 _Although my vaginal and clitoral orgasms are not always distinctly separate, sometimes I have a vaginal orgasm when my clitoris is not even awake. My clitoral orgasms are not generally multiple, but my vaginal orgasms are countless. I just fly for hours sometimes, coming over and over and over. I like to make out till I'm exhausted, and then have one big clitoral orgasm and stop. Otherwise I wouldn't know when to stop. With a clitoral one, I hold my breath tightly, and then I scream. With vaginal ones I pant a lot and breathe very deeply._

Other women agree that a clitoral orgasm is more fulfilling. But Linci relates that orgasms that involve penetration are more powerful:

 _My clitoral orgasms are quick; they take the edge off, they're physical manipulation. Throbbing orgasms are the deepest and most intense; they're shocking. I can feel my lips ringing with the throbbing. I feel like I'm totally tripping, and I have these circulatory pulsations that go on for two or three minutes. These orgasms go on so long, they're almost continuous. I'm so totally in it. I have to have penetration in order to experience a throbber, but it doesn't have to be deep penetration._

#  **Beyond Vaginal and Clitoral**

Dee has classified her orgasms according to her very own system, which has nothing to do with whether they are clitoral or vaginal. This was her very prompt response when I asked her if she had separate kinds of orgasms:

 _I have three kinds of orgasm. One I call the waterfall: it's like a whooshing out and down; the sensation goes up to my waist and then shoots downward out of my toes. Then there's the sparkler; that's like a sparkler, you know, fireworks. It emanates from my lower belly and sends sprinklies out everywhere, sideways as well as up and down. It's very white. Then there's one I call Saturn, because I feel like that's where I go. I don't have them so often, but when I do they are really exquisite. I feel them in my whole body from my head to my toes._

_I nearly always have at least four orgasms at one time, and the fourth is always the best. When I have a Saturn, it's always the fourth._

Dee loves penetration, but she does not generally come without some kind of clitoral stimulation, even if it's fairly indirect. She didn't relate her different kinds of orgasm to what was being done to her so much as to her emotional state, and she said she could rarely project in advance which kind she was likely to have.

Dee's desire to have direct stimulation on her clitoris at the same time as vaginal penetration is very common. Not many women say they are able to come from vaginal penetration alone. What makes one woman able to do this when others can't? It might be simply physical differences in our bodies. In 1958, Dr. Kermit Krantz performed several autopsies on women and went to the trouble of counting the nerve endings in the pelvic area. He discovered quite enough variation in the distribution of the nerves to account for differing sexual responses.1

But, most likely, the inability to have an orgasm is a combination of physical factors and cultural conditioning from a society that has trained women to rein in their passion. I have attempted to address some of these issues in later chapters.

Following my initial series of interviews, I identified several categories of orgasms, and I fed these categories back to the women I was interviewing. Here are some of the labels I assigned:

• flying orgasms

• wave orgasms

• falling orgasms

• pounding orgasms

• surface orgasms

• deep orgasms

• disappearing orgasms

• crying orgasms

• throbbers

• veets

• blips

These labels were the ones that generally received the most positive response from women (such as, "Yes, I think that describes what I experience."). However, they are quite arbitrary, because I invented them only as a way of encouraging women to form words to describe their orgasms. And for every woman who told me that one or more of those particular words did describe her experience, there were other women who said, "No, I wouldn't use that word."

I wondered if women like Dee, who define their orgasms very clearly, do so because they have been mostly with one lover, and therefore tend to stick to one particular kind of lovemaking. Dee has been monogamous for twenty years. Perhaps women who have had more lovers are more likely to have different kinds of orgasms and have a harder time defining them. But every time I form a theory about women and their orgasms, someone pops up to disprove it. Jan has had many lovers, but only has one type of orgasm.

_I always assumed my orgasms were clitoral, because I have to have my clitoris stimulated to come. Then I heard people talking about a whole-body orgasm, and I realized that is what I have: my whole body is completely involved in coming. Every muscle in my body takes part in the buildup; it's like the energy has to align itself in my limbs and in my head and neck. I have to stretch out my toes, and clench my fists, and straighten my arms and legs. And when I do all that, when I have made my body into the right kind of container, then the movement of whatever it is on my clitoris takes wing and I fly like an arrow. I shoot outward, and the energy surges outward in a huge wave of light, and I'm carried on that crest of energy until I fly down the other side and there I am, all vibrating and renewed, washed clean by the energy that carried me. And then it picks me up again, and off we go, three, four, five, six or more times. The first time is often an effort—I have to really work at getting my body into alignment, at opening up the channels the energy flows through, but then the second time all the doors are already open and I just fly with it. I just soar up and over. It's delightful. My whole body glows, like a lightbulb. My clitoris is the filament, but light comes from the whole bulb, which is my whole body._

Jan says she has to have firm and regular stimulation on her clitoris in order to come, and although simultaneous penetration isn't essential, it makes her more likely to have a powerful orgasm. Like Jan, Clara doesn't relate to having more than one kind of orgasm, and she has to have her clitoris stimulated in exactly the right manner with a vibrator. Unlike Jan, she's not interested in being penetrated when she comes.

_The best orgasms start very much around my clitoris. The buildup is exquisite, and it's part of the orgasm. The anticipation tension is all consuming, as my whole being is focused on that one goal. I feel this huge tension in my thighs. Then the tension peaks and I'm riding the wave. I feel the energy deep in my womb. Then it floods down my legs and up into my belly._

Jesse is unable to pin down what sparks off a particular kind. She has a number of different orgasms, and I refer to some of them in other parts of the book. Here's how she defines a couple of the more unusual (and difficult) kinds:

 _I occasionally have disappearing orgasms: the whole buildup feels like it'll be a normal orgasm and then it's over without any release, no fireworks at the top. It may be that those are one-contraction orgasms versus what normally might be dozens, though I don't think I'm aware of the contractions as discrete events until the main part's over, and I'm having aftershocks. Maybe it's just that my body is not able to maintain and accumulate enough charge at those times and that's why they disappear._

_Sometimes I have crying orgasms, like the sweetest liquid emotional pain wells up to my chest and throat, and crying and coming are the same thing—they're indistinguishable._

Jean rarely comes without using a vibrator on her clitoris, but she relates that she has three distinct kinds of orgasms (although she also said she wasn't sure that they all qualified as such):

 _One is from using my vibrator directly on my clitoris, although I may often have something inside me as well. These are like going over a mountain, or riding a wave. Then there are ones that I have when someone is sucking on some part of me, such as my fingers, or my toes maybe, or my dildo if I'm wearing one, and there is some clitoral stimulation as well. Those feel like a shooting outward. I get this rushing feeling in my body. The end of the orgasm isn't the same as the first one I described. It's more like a dissipation than a complete release, leaving some tension behind. The third kind usually happens if I've been doing a lot of foreplay, and I have a strong emotional bond with my lover. These are electrical and they go through my head, taking my head off._

Maluma only relates to one kind of orgasm, which occurs as a result of penetration alone, or from clitoral stimulation, or from making love to someone else.

_There's a building up and a letting go at the same time, right around my clitoris. It builds and builds, and then I get the "it's gonna happen" feeling. I get tingleys in my clitoris, and then bigger feelings that go into my belly, and then those feelings rise up and go downward at the same time. The really good orgasms rise up through my heart and out of the top of my head. It's like I am the wave, not someone riding it. I used to only have two or three at a time, but now I have five or six._

Betty also has only one kind of orgasm. She needs clitoral stimulation to come, although she also enjoys penetration, separately or simultaneously. She has one big one and that's it—she doesn't want to be touched any more.

_My orgasms are like an earthquake or an explosion; they explode out of me. They are a deep, pounding, clenching petit mort that radiates from my entire pelvis up and down my body in shock waves. They're like a seizure; they pick me up and throw me around. I can't imagine having more than one._

Laura doesn't particularly enjoy clitoral stimulation and would never seek it out. But she loves penetration and comes copiously.

_I wouldn't use the words exquisite or clenching or pounding or electrical. Maybe riding a wave. I feel it all over my body, especially in my lower belly. I get goose bumps on my head and neck. I ejaculate a lot, which embarrasses me. I normally have probably five to seven, and the third and fourth are the strongest._

In all these accounts, only one factor seems to be consistent: women who relate to the distinction between vaginal and clitoral say that they tend to hold their breath when they are leading up to a clitoral orgasm.

#  **Combination Orgasms**

An orgasm that occurs as a result of simultaneous vaginal and clitoral stimulation might be considered a combination orgasm. Wouldn't it seem logical that this would be best of all? Surprisingly enough, not many women related to combinations, and those who did presented conflicting views about them.

_I have two kinds: the clitoral ones feel like the epicenter is my clitoris, whereas the focus of an orgasm when I'm being penetrated is all inside, quite different from a clitoral orgasm. When I'm being penetrated, there is a big buildup and then a release._

_Everything stops at the peak. I don't like to mix the two too much. One is always more dominant._

_For a clitoral orgasm, I absolutely need direct clitoral stimulation. A clitoral orgasm has a slower buildup. I get more tense leading up to clitoral orgasms. I hold my breath, and it's a very long come, but not multiple. It can last half an hour or so. It's a bit like flying, and it's very much a wave._

_I have vaginal orgasms without any clitoral stimulation. They're localized and I'm more likely to have them when I'm feeling relaxed. They're in my first and second chakra, and they're multiple. Combination orgasms are not multiple—they are like one big clitoral orgasm with a vaginal orgasm at the same time._

_A combination orgasm is an all-encompassing experience. It builds, then goes down, then up. It doesn't go out my feet. In fact, it doesn't go anywhere—it comes! I don't really want to call it energy—it's more like power, and it feels very active, the way it surges down my legs._

#  **Surface Versus Depth**

For most women, it seems that the primary variation in orgasms is in their intensity, and how much the orgasm is simply a release of surface tension, as opposed to a deeply experienced physical release that involves the whole body. This woman describes the difference very clearly:

 _Sometimes I feel an urgent need to come (usually on my own, when I haven't seen my lover for ages and haven't had much sex). When this happens I can come very quickly from touching myself, but the actual orgasm is a bit of an anticlimax, as though I just need to release something. This is very different from the building passion that turns to divine tension inside me as I make love with my lover. There is a point at which I know I am going to come, and often I like to spin that time out so that I am bursting for the release of orgasm. When my lover touches me or as I rub against her, I feel a combination of deepening, relaxing, and melting, and also tensing of my entire body as my heart and metabolism speed up. As I build toward an orgasm, I feel joyously frenzied. Sometimes it's a primal feeling, like a wild animal, and I like to grunt and make noise. As I come, I feel my insides melting and expanding, becoming alive. My whole body pulses. Often I find I quickly come again, maybe three times or so._

#  **Pulsing and Contractions**

The "pulsing" mentioned in the previous quote is fairly common. I've sometimes felt my lover pulsing at two- to four-second intervals for quite a long time (five minutes or more) after a strong orgasm. It may be localized in the vagina or in the genital area or it may be felt throughout the body, a little like very light muscle contractions. Pulsing may be an external indication of uterine contractions. It seems to be involuntary, and not as strong as the tightening that occurs just prior to orgasm, or voluntary contractions of the PC muscle, which, when they are in good condition, can be very powerful. (See Chapter Nine for more on the PC muscle.)

_I occasionally feel and see a very active pulse that may involve my whole leg._

_The pulsing reaches a crescendo and then fades, sometimes lasting thirty seconds, and sometimes over several minutes._

According to the famous sex researchers Masters and Johnson2, the female orgasm involves a series of rhythmic muscular contractions (numbering from three to twelve) in the vagina. This gives rise to an image that is a little misleading, since rhythmic contractions cannot always be felt by the person who is doing the penetrating. The lesbians I spoke with say they are only occasionally able to feel rhythmic contractions in the vagina (apart from the pulsing mentioned earlier) when they are the givers. Most said they could feel a steady tightening around the entrance to the vagina leading up to the point of orgasm and then a gradual relaxing afterward. This steady contraction of the vaginal entrance may be so strong that it causes pain to the person doing the penetrating.

The reason rhythmic contractions aren't so apparent may be due to the fact that the giver is often moving her fingers inside while her partner is  coming. It may also be that the receiver's leg and belly muscles, or perhaps her whole body, are spasming and clenching, which would make it difficult to distinguish what is going on in the vagina. Or it may simply be that the muscle contractions are not very noticeable.

A number of women (by no means all) report that when they have a strong orgasm they can feel a contraction in the midpoint of the groin, which would seem to indicate that it is in the uterus. Sometimes they can feel these contractions for a matter of minutes after an orgasm. They usually describe it as almost painful, a little like menstrual cramps, and several women say they are more likely to feel this when they are premenstrual or on their period. Afterward they feel more relaxed in that area. Orgasms are known to relieve menstrual pain.

_When I'm crampy from my period, I sometimes feel an orgasm in my uterus and it may be painful, but then when the contraction releases I feel better._

The external signs of orgasm can vary as much as the internal experience, and they may last for a few seconds or for hours. The same woman may react quite differently at different times. Sometimes she may thrash around and scream. Sometimes the whole body contracts or shakes and shudders. Her limbs may flutter, her feet and hands may stretch out and curl up. Her face may contort or it may remain quite serene. Sometimes she may hold quite still and be very quiet when she comes, merely arching or stretching the body a little. The intensity of the orgasm can't be measured by visible movement. Sometimes the most powerful ones are those that pass through deep inside, or on a level that is not physical, leaving few cues for an onlooker.

#  **Pregnancy and Orgasm**

It may initially seem surprising that some women feel more sexual when they are pregnant. But, after all, the uterus is part of a woman's sexual organs, and it changes continually as the fetus grows. The increase in size of the uterus may result in pressure on the G-spot, resulting in spontaneous sexual arousal.

_The only time I ever had an orgasm in my sleep was in the latter stages of pregnancy._

The contractions that occur during an orgasm may precipitate childbirth, and consequently women who are at risk for preterm labor are advised against sexual activity during pregnancy.

The medical establishment has tried to divorce the experience of giving birth from sex, and indeed many women cannot imagine it as anything but an exhausting, sterile, and pain-filled experience. However, some women do find themselves feeling sexually excited during the delivery process, and deliberate sexual arousal may greatly ease the experience.

#  **A Vocabulary for Orgasm**

If we lived in a society that communicated freely and openly about sex, there would have to be at least a dozen words to describe the different kinds of orgasm. The fact that there are only three (orgasm, coming, and climax) and that there are no standard definitions for them is an appalling indication of how little we comprehend the scope of sexual experience. Most of us grow up thinking there is some average kind of orgasmic experience, and that's what normal women have. What a limiting view, and a far cry from the truth!

The word _climax_ is sometimes used to mean the latter part of the orgasm, or the peak. Some women use the word _coming_ to mean the moment before release, the preparation to reaching the peak, prior to going over the edge into full orgasm. One woman described a feeling she calls coming that is different from orgasm:

 _It's a swelling, exploding feeling, but without the post-orgasmic body relaxation._

The experience of orgasm covers a huge range of intensity. It may involve the whole body, or it may be focused in certain parts of the body, or it may be an out-of-body experience. Why a woman has a particular experience one time and not another is often impossible to pin down because there are far too many variables: not just what is being done to her physically but also her relationship to her partner, her surroundings,  her state of mind, her emotional state, and everything that has led up to the moment of orgasm. One thing seems clear: any imposed classification used to define the phenomenon of female orgasm is not going to be useful, it is only going to be limiting. Fortunately, many of us are celebrating our diversity instead of worrying that we aren't adhering to some artificial standard of "normality."

#  **Multiple Orgasms**

Most women (perhaps all) are capable of experiencing multiple orgasms, and many do so regularly. Some women have one and then don't want to be touched anymore, while others, like myself, don't feel satisfied if they have fewer than three.

My average orgasms are probably typical multiple orgasms. Each one lasts from three to maybe ten seconds, and I need a break of at least twenty seconds between each one, to let my clitoris get desensitized so I can take more stimulation. If the break is much longer than a minute I probably come too far down to get back up again. The second and the third are usually the strongest and they happen very quickly, with very little stimulation. The most I've ever had in one session was thirteen. Other women have different experiences with multiple orgasms:

 _Larger, longer orgasms tend to be multiple. Like when one orgasm continues like a skipped stone._

_I am very likely to have an orgasm every time I have sex or masturbate. It's less a question of whether I have one, and more about how many and how intense._

_I've always had multiple orgasms. I probably average three or four orgasms at one go. But if I make love all night, I can come constantly and have different kinds of orgasm: from rubbing together with clothes on or without, from penetration with fingers or hand, from oral sex, or from my body being stroked in just the right way._

_Once I came thirty-two times. After a while my boyfriend just sat back amazed, and watched me stimulate myself for the last ten or so orgasms._

The length of the break between orgasms varies for different people, from a few seconds to a few minutes. Of course if it's a few minutes you could describe it as a whole separate orgasm rather than one of a multiple. But women don't come down all the way out of a state of arousal in a few minutes, so it's really just a matter of how far down they need to come before they can take more stimulation to come back up. Most women can probably experience three or four orgasms during one lovemaking session. There seem to be a few women who don't, who are really and truly finished after that one big one:

 _I can't imagine having multiple orgasms. I can build up to another one after five minutes or so, but the second one is never as satisfying._

In the next chapter we'll look at how different women experience the flows of energy in their bodies when they come. To close this chapter, here are a few words from Joy on defining an orgasm:

 _I have a vast variety of orgasms. I see stars, rockets, and all kinds of other visuals. Some (orgasms) feel like jumping out of a plane. Or they're like an ocean swell, and sometimes the surf is so strong it sweeps me away; other times it just laps at the shore. They can be very deep, where all my internal organs go into pleasant spasm; maybe my knees go weak, suddenly all the tension drains down and out of my body. Sometimes they are like earthquakes, but more commonly they're like waves. They're often electrical; I feel the electrical energy moving up and down central channels inside my body, not on the surface. They can be either vaginally or clitorally centered. But when they're clitorally centered, it's like that three centimeters of flesh is the whole universe._

#  _**Notes**_

1 Kermit E. Krantz, MD, "Innervation of the Human Vulva and Vagina: A microscopic study," _Obstetrics & Gynecology_, 12: 382-396.

2 William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, _Human Sexual Response_ (Ishi Press, 2010). Originally published in 1966.


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**CHAPTER** **4**

**THE ENERGETIC EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM**

_My orgasms are exquisite and deep, like riding a wave: exciting, wild, raw energy, primal, deeply satisfying. The buildup is a warm, flowing, pleasantly exciting sensation that keeps building to more excitement. It's fun to hang out there for a while. Orgasm brings the excitement to a peak that satisfies a deep body longing and leaves me glowing, ecstatic, and floating. It's a feeling of being deeply bonded with the universe._

_There's a building of intensity of feeling; I feel like I'm becoming pure energy, ceasing to be a clearly defined physical body with boundaries. It's like I can clearly perceive being an energetic being of vibrating molecules, part of and one with the woman I'm with and everything in the universe. I experience this in differing degrees of intensity depending on my situation. Then orgasm itself is like a wave of energy cresting inside me and through me, a release of the buildup of energy with me, truly ecstatic and totally exquisite. This is also accompanied by my muscles contracting and shuddering, often very strongly—yes, the earth does move for me!_

Sexuality can put us in touch with powerful flows of energy that we may not otherwise have reason or ability to access. Thinking of orgasm in terms of energy flow can be very useful, enabling us to visualize it in a much broader way than the merely physical. The same is true of life: understanding it as occurring on a plane of energy allows us to comprehend some of the unseen forces that affect us.

Orgasm is about highly focused energy, and being orgasmic is about learning to let our bodies focus energy while we let go of trying to control it. This may seem like a paradox: surely if you are focusing energy, then you are controlling it. But there is a big difference between controlling a flow of energy—trying to force it to move in a particular pattern—and removing blocks that are preventing a natural flow so that we can allow our bodies to do what they want to do: gather, focus, and release the energy.

Cultural conditioning teaches us to block this natural flow. When we overcome our conditioning and allow ourselves to be freely carried by the energy that is released during orgasm, then we release the potential to have transcendental experiences. Sexual energy is very powerful; it is, after all, the energy that creates and sustains life.

It is perfectly possible to learn to channel the flow of energy during orgasm. Various methods have been developed for doing this. Most of these methods include experiencing high levels of sexual ecstasy. Some of them are discussed at the end of this chapter and in Chapter Five.

#  **The Nonphysical Components of Orgasm**

It has been said that the brain is the most important sex organ. In reality, I believe some of the factors that turn us on, such as smell, sound, and long forgotten memories, are far beyond the comprehension of the logical brain. On a conscious level, we may be completely unaware of energies that affect us very profoundly. Sexual arousal in dreams epitomizes this. A number of women report the experience of waking up from an erotic dream in a high state of arousal, yet without any of the normal signs: no throbbing clitoris, no wet and swollen lips. It is as though the excitement occurs on an ethereal level, where we are not actually _in_ the body we normally inhabit. It is  frequently a mistake for us to try to nail down what creates arousal. We might be better off accepting that we simply don't know.

The great paradox of sex is that it's based in the physical and yet can take us beyond the physical. Many women report feeling overwhelmed and transported by orgasm. What they seem to mean is that a powerful sense of contained energy builds inside their bodies and then, as it releases, puts them in touch with a different experience of reality. The new perception can manifest visually, aurally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Our best and strongest orgasms seem to be the ones that take us to levels besides, and as well as, the physical. These other levels have been variously labeled mental, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, psychological, psychic, and chemical (as in having great "chemistry" with someone). Because all of the experiences described by these words are extremely subjective, we have no consensus definitions of what they actually mean.

In this and the following chapter, I want to offer illustrations of what these words and phrases mean to different people, and what place they have in sexual arousal. Some women equate the mental with the spiritual, since they find that once they are able to quiet their minds they enter a stillness that is an experience of oneness. Other women equate the spiritual with the emotional, and they have their best orgasms when they feel a heart connection with their partner. Some people might not differentiate between emotional, psychic, and spiritual ecstasy.

An orgasm can be triggered by an overwhelming sense of joy or love, perhaps from the connection with a partner, or just from experiencing intense pleasure or beauty. The natural beauty of the environment can add a whole different dimension to a sexual experience:

 _My best orgasm ever was when I was sleeping out on a deck with my lover, and we woke up just before dawn and started to make love. Then a flock of yellow birds flew down toward us, and we both came together just as the first of the sun's rays touched us. I felt out of my skin._

The inspiration for an orgasm need not come from physical stimulation, and there may be little or no buildup. Some women come in their sleep, from a powerful dream, or they are able to generate a flow of sexual energy by using fantasy or mental focus, with some muscle control. Jana  talks about orgasms that creep up on her almost against her will. She is a Buddhist monk, in the habit of sitting in meditation for very long periods of time. She's not the asexual person you might imagine a monk to be; she masturbates once or twice a day. Sometimes as she sits in meditation she finds an orgasm coming over her without any conscious intention on her part:

 _The feeling runs away by itself and my mind focuses in on itself and I'm going, "Oh my god oh my god oh my god…" I'm sitting there having an orgasm, hoping no one notices. It's amazing how strong the feeling gets._

Laura had her first-ever orgasm watching a horse race; no one was touching her, nor was she touching herself, and she wasn't even thinking about sex:

 _The beauty and vitality and competitive spirit of the horses just took me to orgasm!_

It is surprisingly common for an intensely pleasurable experience to find an outlet in orgasm even though it is not (at least initially) a specifically sexual pleasure.

_One night I was lying on my bed with the window open. It was warm, and a delightful sensuous breeze was wafting over me. I opened my legs to it and felt as if it was actually caressing me. I stayed with the feeling until I came._

_I've had an orgasm a few times listening to very intense, passionate music._

One woman reported that she was getting a massage, not being touched in her genital area, and unaware of any sexual arousal, when she suddenly found herself coming. Dee reports finding her body shaken by an orgasm as she sat on a rock by a river watching her lover walk along the shore. Apparently, deep feelings of love or joy or enthusiasm can unexpectedly give rise to exactly the same physiological response as physical stimulation, and can be experienced as an ecstatic energy release.

A number of women report that they can come from imagining sex, without any external stimulus, which is a little different from an orgasm that comes unexpectedly out of thin air.

_On occasion I've been able to come just from visualizing sensual intercourse, without anyone touching me, or me touching myself._

_I have had an orgasm from a purely mental fantasy about someone, without touching myself or having anyone touch me._

_When I've had the experience of orgasm without any stimulation, it was like a flashback, a brief shiver all over, and a tingle to my clit. It doesn't matter what I'm doing. I could be lying down, driving a car, relaxing, whatever._

Sometimes the only external stimulus that's necessary is another person's voice.

_I've rarely had an orgasm without any stimulation at all but it has happened when I've been on the phone to my lover._

_I can have a vaginal orgasm very easily, just from being told to come, if I've been having a lot of sex over a number of days._

The "telling" described above can be purely verbal; her lover might be across the room at the time. One woman said that she could come simply from seeing her lover make suggestive finger movements. An emotional component—a strong current of love between partners—may be present in some of these cases, but it certainly isn't necessary for all women who experience this kind of orgasm. It may occur in part because the woman is in a state of sexual excitement already. Many women find it possible to remain in a highly aroused state for a long time without experiencing discomfort.

_I can go through my day feeling constantly aroused. I'll be walking down the street and the feeling deep down in my groin gets more and more intense, just from the motion of walking, especially if I'm wearing jeans, and I find myself coming. I have to stop and lean against a wall._

Because phone sex and online sex often occur between people who don't know each other well, or even at all, we must assume there doesn't have to be an emotional connection. For some women, the words create erotic visual images, and thus work just like a fantasy. For others, the sound and the meaning of the words bypass the mental realm altogether and go straight into physical sensations. When two people are physically together, a glance, body language, a facial expression, or simply a casually stated innuendo can all have similar effects. A very strong feeling of love can produce erotic sensations without any physical stimulation, and vice versa: erotic physical or mental stimulation can produce intense feelings of love. The physical, the mental, and the emotional become one. They are all erotic sensations: you have a feeling of love or lust for someone, and it gives rise to a mental picture that is erotic and therefore creates a physical response; someone touches you in a nonsexual way and you feel flooded with love for that person, and you are suddenly aware of your pelvic muscles contracting, and so on; the permutations are endless. And they can all give rise to a sense of oneness that, for some, may have spiritual significance.

#  **Chemistry: A Psychic Connection**

_I have an occasional lover who brings me to orgasm in a way no one else ever has. He is an accomplished lover, and my attraction to him as a person is so chemically / spiritually / obsessively intense that I can't tell what influences what._

Many of us have experienced an energy flow between ourselves and another person that is not of our conscious creation at all; we call it _attraction_ **,** or in its most extreme forms, _falling in love._ It can be anything from a mild sexual response, to overwhelming body chemistry, to divine mania. _Chemistry_ is a confusing term here; the attraction may be chemical—that is, caused by pheromones that stimulate us on a subconscious level—but  it may also be interpreted as an attraction that occurs on a psychic level. Whether you call it psychic or chemical, it is a flow of energy. It's feasible (although it may take some practice) to learn how to play with this energy, consciously making it greater or smaller, bringing it to an orgasmic release, or not. As we all know, not every attraction is mutual, and it's easy to misread what is going on for another person when you don't know each other well. Perhaps one of the people involved is taking it much more seriously than the other(s). Check this out before you get carried away with it.

Strong attraction is not necessarily about an emotional connection, but for many women the two are synonymous. A strong emotional component, or heart connection, with another person certainly has the power to bring on an orgasm, sometimes as much as anything physical. These two women were awed and amazed by the spontaneous orgasms that occurred with particular men:

 _We were just lying together in bed, and I felt this pure ecstasy filling my body, pure spirit. I trembled and my body glowed, my groin became bathed in warmth and sensation, which lasted several minutes, and then I orgasmed._

_I was so in love with a man once that my orgasm, which usually follows all the stages of arousal, plateau, orgasm, resolution, etc., just came out of nowhere, so quickly I felt transported._

Some women really seem to need to experience a heart connection in order to allow sexual energy to flow between themselves and their lover, while others don't. Women who have multiple partners are judged harshly by our society; there is a widespread assumption that we cannot experience a heart connection with someone whom we don't know well, or haven't made a lifelong commitment to. I think this is a misconception; I believe it _is_ possible to have a very deep connection with someone you have just met, simply because you resonate with that person, because there is some kind of connection on a psychic level. And it is certainly possible to feel very strongly for more than one person at a time. Our language fails to supply nondisparaging words to describe these relationships. What seems to be true is that some women cannot be open on a heart level until they know their partner well, and others can be very open  on a heart level from the moment of first meeting.

_The mental and emotional components are important. I must feel trust. But sometimes it's easier with someone I don't know—they haven't betrayed me yet, they're fresh._

The emotions that are brought into play by an intense attraction are an essential aspect of arousal for some women. Jesse calls this the "romantic element." For her, good sex must include romance, by which she means that she must feel a strong attraction and love for her sexual partner. Joy is quite the opposite. For her, sex is about having fun, and she can even sleep with someone she doesn't particularly like and have very good sex with plenty of orgasms. I am very picky about my close friends, but if the chemistry (or the psychic / emotional connection, or whatever you want to call it) is right, I can enjoy an affair with someone I don't particularly want to spend a lot of time with out of bed. With such a person, I will make sure not to make any emotional commitments; I don't want any pretense about what we are sharing or not sharing.

While orgasm is not necessarily an emotional experience for all women, very few women seem to be able to come with their partner when they are holding negative emotions toward that person. A number of women described similar scenarios, where a buildup of unresolved negative emotion, occurring over time within a relationship, made it harder for them to experience sexual satisfaction with that partner. Victoria stopped having orgasms after the first year of her first long-term relationship, and for a long time she thought there was something wrong with her. After she left her lover, she realized that she had closed down emotionally, and that was why she had ceased to have orgasms.

#  **Emotional Orgasms**

Many women find that the best sex arises out of an emotional connection, and for some, feeling loved and appreciated by their partner is essential.

_My orgasms seem to depend on the emotional state that is created between my partner and myself (other than masturbation, which is always a successful release). When I feel cared for, when his attention is fully with me, when he seems interested in who I am as a person and what and how I feel, then I can open my heart freely, and only then can I open my body freely and allow orgasm._

The experience of orgasm itself can bring up a lot of emotion. Jesse clearly labeled an emotional orgasm:

 _Sometimes my heart breaks open and melts. It doesn't come from my genitals, but otherwise it's an awful lot like an orgasm._

Donna described having orgasms that felt "difficult" emotionally, orgasms that revealed more of her vulnerability than she was comfortable with. Sometimes she even consciously put a stop to them. I am sure that many women learn to put stops on their orgasms either consciously or unconsciously, precisely because they don't want to be emotionally exposed.

I have certainly had the experience of an orgasm that was almost more of an emotional release than a physical one. Usually, I am aware of the need for an emotional release before it occurs, but sometimes that awareness prevents me from feeling free to be sexual in the first place. Sex often feels too dangerous when I'm in a very vulnerable space.

Tears are a fairly common emotional release for women when they come:

 _Sometimes there is an explosion that seems to reach other dimensions and often leaves me weeping in a state of exquisite longing for that other dimension. It is as if my whole life were a plea to live in that place and the tears are of gratitude for touching that place, and for sadness that it seems so rare._

_Making love is very emotional for me. If things aren't going well in my heart, even if I think they are, my orgasm releases a huge well of sadness within me and I cry and cry and cry, mostly just streaming tears, no sobs._

It seems as though the physical release triggers an emotional release that has been waiting for an outlet.

_Often after an orgasm I will feel very sad, and the feeling builds until I cry and cry and cry. I don't mind it; in fact, I feel very good after the storm is over. Sometimes I'm amazed at the depth of the sadness and sobbing. I think I get a load of sadness from just being in the world and seeing and hearing about so many sad, horrible, unjust events that my body just wants to release it periodically, and it uses the orgasm as a trigger._

One woman complained that her partners don't want to know what she's feeling at these times.

_The thing that gets me is guys never ask why I'm crying! I guess they're afraid to know._

Sometimes the experience of being flooded with grief or emotional pain comes instead of, rather than accompanying, an orgasm, especially if a woman is having trouble coming. It may be that the tears provide the necessary release, in lieu of a physical climax.

_Sometimes I feel like I really need to come, and I just can't get there. When this happens I nearly always end up crying._

_Sometimes if I'm making love and I don't have an orgasm, I get completely out of control emotionally and burst into floods of tears._

But the emotion an orgasm triggers may just as easily be joy, with laughter as part of the orgasmic release. And some women find that having an orgasm calms them down and relaxes them when they are feeling emotional.

_When I'm feeling sad or lonely, I sometimes comfort myself by masturbating to orgasm. My relationship to myself and the sense of being in control of my body feels really good._

#  **The Intellectual Component: Focusing the Mind**

Some women feel that conscious intention is an essential ingredient to orgasm. Marya says that she has to make a mental decision to climax, as though giving herself permission before it can happen. Although most of the women I interviewed said there was _not_ an intellectual aspect to coming, quite a few reported that they were more likely to have orgasms if they felt their partner was in control on the mental plane or was an intellectually stimulating person. This might manifest as someone who is verbal during sexual play or in other words, someone with good patter:

 _I love it when my lover talks dirty to me and fantasizes verbally._

It might be accurate to say that we can block ourselves from orgasm using the power of our conscious minds, because of an emotionally-based intellectual belief that it is not okay to let go. This is borne out by one woman who, for a long time, only came in her sleep. Her waking mind could not allow herself to let go enough. We can develop an intellectual belief, which we then exert through the will, as a result of something that holds a big emotional charge. I don't think it's possible to delineate clear boundaries between the emotional and the intellectual. Our bodies can be affected by emotional or physical trauma in such a way that they respond without any _conscious_ brain involvement. Since we have a strong tendency to want to rationalize our behavior, there is often no way for us to know when a physical response is due to a body memory of a trauma that has been forgotten by the conscious mind, rather than a rationalebased conclusion. It can be very hard to see when the emotional becomes intellectualized. Moreover, we tend to want to hold onto our rational beliefs, and we may get upset when they are challenged. Then the intellectual becomes emotional.

Most of us are brought up to value the intellectual and denigrate the emotional. Yet the truth is, we are far more swayed by our feelings than we like to admit; we make the pretense of being rational by trying to overlay our feelings with rational explanations. Our feelings never lie, but our intellects are affected by "oughts" and "shoulds." Thus our minds try to make us fit into the status quo, even when it is not right for us.

Some women can "think" themselves into orgasm, without stimulation from any source other than their own minds. This usually means focusing  very intently on a fantasy, but sometimes what happens is not so specific, and it certainly need not include imagery of genital stimulation. It's something like "thinking oneself into the feeling of orgasm."

_I use my mind. I let go. I want it, so it happens. It's simple for me. There is nothing more to tell._

In her book, _Women Who Love Sex_ 1, Gina Ogden has a whole chapter devoted to "thinking off." She took one of her subjects into a lab and measured for all the signs of orgasm as the woman came without touching herself and barely moving. The measurements were exactly what you would expect for an orgasm brought on by any physical method: high heart rate and blood pressure, dilated pupils, reduced sensitivity to pain, and heightened sensual responses.

Many women fantasize when they are masturbating or when they are with a partner, and the fantasy may actually help them to get off. Some women read erotica or watch movies or look at pictures. Fantasizing is an intellectual skill; it requires an active mind, a vivid imagination, and the ability to concentrate. Joy has had orgasms while she was writing, apparently just from the intellectual thrill.

_A couple of times I have come from a psychological turn-on, when I'm off in my head and there's no physical stimulation. It's connected to the excitement of creativity, usually when I'm writing something that has an erotic charge for me. It might be something that someone else would not find erotic at all._

Learning to focus the mind can have remarkable results, as anyone who has meditated over a long period will tell you. Freud's idea that the sensation of orgasm should migrate from the clitoris to the vagina may actually be accomplished by someone who chooses to _think_ the sensation there, but one can also think the sensation to anywhere else on the body (fingers, earlobes, different chakras, wherever). People with spinal cord injuries, who have no sensation in their genital area, can still experience sexual feelings, and may have very satisfying sexual relationships.

Some women say they cannot come if their brains are going a mile a minute, while others are able to keep their brains occupied with a fantasy.  A few women do not come without a fantasy to help them focus, and this often involves images of being raped. Generally, such fantasies are about giving themselves permission to relinquish control; the conscious brain won't let go until it is tricked into thinking that someone else is forcing it to do so.

Personally, I often find there is part of my brain that tends to isolate itself from the rest of me when I am having an orgasm. While my body is in the throes of intense convulsions, my brain might be busy thinking about the color of the walls. As long as it's not a thought that makes me anxious, I can usually let it go so that it doesn't interfere with my pleasure, but I have more intense and longer orgasms when I totally switch my brain off. I think my brain's desire to absent itself during sex is a leftover from unpleasant childhood sexual experiences.

#  **Aftershocks**

My experience with purely mental or emotional stimulation is that it can be very exciting, but often in a rather diffuse sense. If it is very genitally focused, which it might be if I am reading or looking at erotica, I'm not usually able to bring the energy to release without touching myself or moving around. Occasionally, when I've been sitting still concentrating on writing or some other creative outlet, I have a kind of upper body shudder that is definitely a release of energy and might be considered a kind of orgasm. I have also had experiences along the lines of this description by Jesse:

 _Sometimes when I'm very turned on, I get single contractions that feel just like aftershock contractions, and recently I had a short set of these from an intense and intimate turn-on with almost no touching of any kind, just prolonged eye contact, and then a slow movement toward each other that culminated in my lover brushing the side of her face against mine. I believe now that this might be considered an orgasm, but I hadn't thought of it as such because there wasn't the usual physical buildup leading to it._

The aftershock contractions that Jesse refers to are something many women experience; they are like little jolts that jerk your body around,  and they may occur after particularly intense sex. Terry describes having aftershocks, "like little orgasms," for days. In a similar vein, a number of women report a powerful sinking feeling in their gut when they think about an exceptional sexual experience:

 _Sometimes I'll be walking along daydreaming about having sex, and all of a sudden that feeling comes over me and my guts jolt. It's often accompanied by an involuntary moan that is obviously sexual, and that's very embarrassing if someone else is around!_

_The day after exciting sex, part of me sometimes stays turned on, and even doing mundane things, my mind suddenly flashes to what we did the night before, and I'll get a little momentary orgasm that makes me jump or shudder._

#  **Simultaneous and Empathic Orgasms**

Simultaneous orgasm is the ultimate goal for many people. Like any goal, it can set us up for a sense of failure, since it is often difficult to achieve. A few lucky people are inspired to come at the same moment as their lover. It seems to be a glorious feat, to be so in tune with your partner that your energy is carried into orgasm with his or hers. I have had a few lovers who were brought to orgasm by my coming, but I've never achieved it the other way round. A couple of men commented that they were brought to orgasm by their partners:

 _After she has her first orgasm from manual stimulation I will sometimes move to penile insertion, and in most instances reach simultaneous orgasm with her second one._

One man had this to say about how wonderful it was:

 _On the one and only time to date that we have had simultaneous orgasm through intercourse, it was simply indescribable, out of this world, fantastic!_

A number of women referred to a kind of orgasm that I have called "empathic." These might be simultaneous or they might not. They occur when a woman is making love to someone else, and she gets so excited by her lover's response—by his or her arousal—that she finds herself coming. It is the energy of her lover's turn-on that creates her orgasm. Some women experience it as an unexpected bonus, something that just comes out of the blue: their body goes into automatic orgasm, with no awareness of any buildup, no conscious desire to come, no conscious seeking of orgasm.

_It's always a surprise because I'm never expecting it._

Lesbians who experience this phenomenon stress that it is a very different kind of orgasm from the kind they have when partners are making love to each other simultaneously.

_I find it distracting if someone is making love to me at the same time as I'm making love to her. I can't concentrate on what I'm doing to my lover. However, the kind of turn-on I feel through me making love to someone else is not a distraction._

The kind of orgasm that I am calling empathic occurs purely as a result of what a woman is doing to someone else; it is part and parcel of what she is doing to that person, it enhances what she is doing, and it doesn't distract at all. Her awareness is all on her partner; there is no direct stimulation of her own genitals. And her orgasm may well occur simultaneously with her partner's.

_There have been a dozen or so times when I've come from making love to my partner, without being touched myself. I think there is a sort of psychic / sexual connection in which boundaries melt and fuse._

In heterosexual sex, the emphasis is often on what the man is doing to the woman; he is usually the one dictating the action, and he is often focusing on gearing up to the moment of intercourse. In this scenario, there may not necessarily be much opportunity for the woman to focus on pleasuring him, although it doesn't have to be like this, as Donna illustrates:

_I almost always come from making love to my partner, especially when I'm sucking his penis. I find the rhythm extremely exciting, and the sensation of sucking invites my hips to move and my uterus to contract. It's also very exciting to feel excitement mounting and the contractions I can feel in him before he reaches orgasm._

#  **Energy Movement Within the Body**

Some women are more aware than others of the flow of energy in and through their physical bodies during sexual play. Linci has worked with this as part of her spiritual practice. When she describes making love to another woman, she says that the energy moves in circles between her and her lover, from one woman's chakras to the other and back, around and around. But the actual orgasm, if it's not an empathic one, produces energy that moves vertically in a linear path, either up or down her body.

Jana finds that the energy of orgasm moves differently if she has been deep in meditation:

 _Instead of building up and exploding outward like a beautiful flower, it builds through my body more slowly and then moves out sideways. Everything goes into quietude without exploding first._

Most women agreed that the energy gathers in the pelvic area and then goes up, down, or directly outward from there. For Donna, the energy gathers in her upper body if she's having her nipples stimulated (she can come from nipple stimulation alone). Whatever brings the orgasm on, once it is under way, she says the energy moves upward vertically from her body, into her lover if he's lying on top of her.

Many women say they find themselves stretching their feet out when they come, as though to let the energy flow out their soles.

_I have to have my legs straight out, and I can't bear to have limited space for my feet._

Jean normally experiences the energy moving directly out of her feet, but she had a one-time experience that is very interesting:

 _My partner had her hand over my throat as I was coming, restricting my breathing. The energy shot up to the top of head and then bounced back down and shot out of my feet, leaving my legs weak and shaky, like all the nerve endings had been fired off. It was amazing!_

Since limiting the oxygen to the brain can have the effect of increasing the level of arousal and enhancing orgasms, the practice of breathing restriction is not uncommon. The problem with this is that it can also kill you, and it can do so extremely fast—much faster than you might realize. If you decide to play around with this, _be very careful._ Don't take it to an extreme, and do it only with people you trust to be 100 percent attentive to you. _Never allow anything around your throat or over your mouth that cannot be removed in an instant; never put anything over your mouth that might be inhaled._

The experience most commonly reported seems to be that energy moves down the legs and out through the feet, and sometimes out through the hands as well. Some women feel it going up and out of their heads, which is likely to be accompanied by a feeling of oneness with the universe. This most often occurs when there is a strong emotional bond between lovers, following a lot of sexual play. A sense of spaciness and a sense of oneness may occur when the higher chakras have been opened up, and an orgasm is certainly capable of doing this. The energy of orgasm may even carry us to another realm of consciousness. Many women report that they have had the sensation of floating after orgasm, and they experience themselves as something other than physical.

_Waves of pleasure build into towering walls of energy that wash over and lift and toss me about, and I cry out like a flock of birds. I don't feel confined to my body. I lose my physical edges. Post-orgasm, I feel very warm and glowing, although my body sometimes aches for a few days after._

_Once I had a total out-of-body experience. I was up there hovering a few inches above myself, watching myself have an orgasm._

#  **Alignment**

The physical position of the body can often affect a woman's ability to have an orgasm or, at least, to have a strong orgasm. It may be important to notice what position your body is choosing as it approaches orgasm.

_I went through a period when I felt compelled to cross my legs even though it meant I wouldn't have such a satisfying orgasm; it was as if I needed to limit the physical intensity. I don't know why._

I feel that I must physically align my body to allow the movement of energy. I find I can only come with my whole body stretched out and arched; all my muscles tense up harder and harder as I get closer to coming. It's as though my body requires this in order for the energy to be able to release. I tend to hold my breath as I approach the orgasm (or it approaches me), but the actual release often necessitates me making a sound, a kind of a groan, or perhaps words, so then I take deep breaths. And breathing into my belly makes the orgasm happen. The energy that has gathered pours outward, mostly flooding down my legs and out of my feet. I am often aware of my feet feeling electric and my legs shaking afterward. Sometimes I feel the energy in my throat.

Because of the way I come, I always do so lying on my back, where I or my partner has plenty of space to manipulate my clitoris in the necessary manner. Many women say they like to have their legs straight, although it doesn't matter to everyone. Jean also stretches herself out; however, unlike me, she is able to come lying on her front. She arches her back in the same way, but uses a vibrator on the bed against her clitoris, so that the arching of her body pushes her pelvis into the bed, and her clitoris harder against the vibrator.

There are plenty of women who can come in a number of different positions, including standing up.

_I love having sex standing up. Lying down dissipates the energy. I think I'm trained to come standing up, because when I was a kid I did it a lot in the shower._

_My orgasms are more exciting when I'm lying on my back with my legs drawn up. Being on all fours, or prone, slows it down._

_I notice that orgasm feels very different in different positions; I can differentiate between those experienced on my back, on my front, and standing up._

#  **Visuals**

The energy of an orgasm may create colors or scenery in the mind's eye. Donna and Terry both see patterns of flashing lights, constellations of stars connected with lines.

_I see lots of yellow and white, some red and orange. They're mostly hot, bright colors, not black. I see starbursts and sunbursts of different colors. One is a deep, brilliant blue. I experience it in my third eye and it feels wonderful. I can hang out there on that plateau before orgasm, with that deep blue, for a long time._

Joy has some fascinating visuals, from psychedelic light shows to more mundane and often strange visuals, such as nuts and bolts rolling down a hill, weird animals, odd postcard collections, or bizarre, not necessarily idyllic, landscapes. When she and her lover have simultaneous orgasms, they may see the same images. On one occasion they both had a sensation of hopping, and saw rabbits popping up out of holes. It was, Joy said, a very friendly, cheerful lovemaking session!

According to Lisa, the energy of the sex affects the colors she sees:

 _If it's a lovemaking experience, then I might see really soft earth colors, corals, and watery colors, flowing blues and aquas. I get the same kind of visuals when I'm giving someone a massage. If it's bad-ass sex, nasty sex, then I see black. I see leather._

When Lisa talks about "bad-ass" sex, she doesn't mean that it isn't a wonderful consensual experience, she means her desire has a different flavor—she is not feeling sweet and gentle. This brings up a very interesting point: the energy we bring to sexual play can vary considerably on different occasions.

#  **The Power of Fantasy**

Jesse is another woman who relates to the concept of energy flows, and she is also someone who finds fetish and fantasy a wonderful source of orgasms. She describes something that might be called an imaginary orgasm that shoots from an imaginary penis. Jesse has no desire to be a man, but she plays around with fantasies of being a man in bed. She can come in a number of different ways, including when she has a dildo strapped on and is having "intercourse" in the missionary position with her female lover. The energy of these shooting orgasms moves in an outwardly direction. Some women say that an orgasm from using a strapped-on dildo happens because the base of the dildo presses on the clitoris, or on the G-spot from the outside. But it is also possible that the psychological element of fantasy is a major factor in such an orgasm. Jesse's shooting orgasms can also occur when _she_ is being penetrated, if she is fantasizing that she has male anatomy.

Jean reports a similar shooting sensation, when some part of her is being sucked on (toes, fingers, or dildo—yes, she does think of the dildo as part of her, when she's wearing it) and says that when she comes like this, she feels as though she has a penis. The energy is a rushing feeling through her body, an "outward explosion," but the climax is not as satisfying as other kinds because it leaves her with some tension.

One of the questionnaire respondents said she had experienced this, but only with one lover:

 _I once had a lover who inspired me to come when she came. It felt like a very male type of orgasm, like I had a penis and was coming from out of it._

When two people get together, the combination of their energies may create quite a different experience from anything either of them have had before. This can be frustrating when you get together with someone new, and the same activities don't feel quite as good as they did with the last  person. But if you are willing to experiment in new ways with new lovers, it can also be exciting, and at least you know that every experience is unique. Sex never has to be routine.

#  **Sound**

_**Interestingly, if you examine a diagram of the throat and a diagram of the female sexual organs, you will see that they look similar.**_

Many women talk about a connection between the throat and the pelvic area. Interestingly, if you examine a diagram of the throat and a diagram of the female sexual organs, you will see that they look similar. According to Hindu tradition, there is a direct link between the second chakra, which is the center of sex and emotion, based three fingers below the belly button, and the fifth chakra, located in the throat, which relates to self-expression and making sounds. Moving the energy in the one area will tend to affect the other area. This is borne out by a number of women:

 _There is a shift in my throat when I'm close to coming, like the feeling I get when I begin to sing. There's definitely some subtle correlation between my throat and my genital area. I have to allow the muscles in my throat to soften so that my breath can move more freely. Any sound I make will often carry the orgasm for a longer period of time than if I am silent._

_Yelling out really helps to release the energy of orgasm for me; I'm a very noisy lovemaker, and that's an important part of sexual expression for me. If I have to be quiet I feel very constrained._

In her work as a tantric teacher, Jwala encourages women to use sound:

 _The throat chakra is the one that women really hold closed, holding in our expressions of anger and rage over the abuse we've suffered from centuries of patriarchy. I have women make noises even when they don't feel like it, to release stuck feelings and verbalize their rage. They can verbalize the act of pushing the abuser(s) out of their space._

I have found that opening my mouth and making a noise can sometimes carry me into orgasm, as though releasing the sound releases the energy of the orgasm. As Jwala says, because we often block the flow of energy through our bodies without being aware we are doing so, it is necessary to make a conscious decision to vocalize our passion, even though (or because) it feels uncomfortable.

#  **Extended Orgasm**

Many men and some women have an attitude toward sex that I call the get-it-over-with syndrome. They have a finite view of sex as a strictly functional act with orgasm at the end of it. When we can move beyond this limited view and accept a concept of sex as an enjoyable activity in itself without a beginning or an end, our possibilities are immediately expanded. But even when we relate to sex in that broader sense, we may still relate to orgasm as a finite experience, not expected to last more than a few seconds.

_Extended sexual orgasm_ is a phrase generally used to refer to a sensation of orgasm that can last from a few minutes to six hours or more, in both women and men. Depending on the person who is using the phrase, it can mean any one of the following:

• staying on the verge of orgasm, in a high state of arousal, just at the peak without going over.

• going over, and then staying in an actual, prolonged, physically orgasmic state.

• staying in the dreamlike state of oneness that may occur with orgasm, but without the attendant physical symptoms (body contractions and so on). This might also be described as the _afterglow._

These are all very subjective experiences, and therefore difficult to differentiate. It's highly unlikely for anyone to get to these states of arousal on a regular basis without skillful manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris and the G-spot. But the physical aspects of stimulation, although important, are only about one-quarter to one-third of what causes these experiences to occur. Other important factors are communication with your partner,  your partner's ability to read your body language, and your emotional and mental state—how willing and able are you to give up your normal hold on reality in order to let yourself remain in such a state of bliss? Many of us have difficulty allowing ourselves to experience ecstasy for very long. We are not usually brought up to believe that pleasure in itself is a worthy goal. We are often more concerned about remaining "functional." This is that prevailing attitude summed up as "get-it-over-with-and-get-on-withlife." The intensity and sense of "otherness" that comes with strong sexual feelings, pleasant though these may be for a few moments, can quickly become uncomfortable. It takes practice and motivation to stay with the sensations. But, as Jwala says, it is a skill that can be learned, and the benefits are remarkable:

 _We can learn to tolerate stronger sexual energy so that we don't block it off at the lower chakras, but allow it up to higher levels; if we can really bring it up to the top of the head and let it flow out of the seventh chakra, that is spiritual bliss, and we can be in an altered state for hours._

If you are withholding emotions from your partner, or your mind refuses to be still, or you are in a hurry, or you have issues about sex that prevent you from being fully present, you won't be able to stay in a prolonged orgasmic state. You need to trust your partner completely, and let go of _all_ distractions, so that you can really relax. It has happened for me when I have a very strong heart connection, when I'm deeply in love and utterly focused. Then I find myself on an elevated plane of orgasm for a very long time without ever really seeming to come down, either nailed to the bed, or floating above it.

In her DVD, _How to Be a Sex Goddess in 101 Easy Steps_ 2 (which I highly recommend, both for fun and for educational purposes), Dr. Annie Sprinkle has an orgasm on camera that lasts more than five minutes. There is a fine line between one continual orgasm and multiple orgasms that occur so closely together they can barely be distinguished. If extended orgasm was a commonly known phrase, I think a lot of the women who wrote the following would be using it to describe what is going on for them, instead of the better known phrase "multiple orgasm":

_When I have multiple orgasms, it's like I've achieved a melding of the spirit. I've submitted, and I can stay at that elevated plane for a long time._

_I have multiple orgasms and after the third or fourth one, they become a way of experiencing myself in vastness. They are something else, something very non-local. There's a lot of fluidity back and forth. I can make love for hours and come and come and come like that._

In her DVD, _The Art of Extended Sexual Orgasm for Men and Women_ 3 _,_ Kathryn Grosz describes ESO as a heightened state of arousal, which she calls orgasm, with a climax at the end of it. The level of arousal may be greater than you normally reach before going over, but the climax itself is a separate event that signals the end of the extended part. She describes at length how to maintain this state of arousal: the giver gets the receiver up to as high a point as possible without actually going over, and then backs off or changes stimulation for a moment or two, before picking up the rhythm again. So the receiver is always "reaching out" for the sensation again, and each time she reaches out, she moves up a little higher on the arousal scale. This can go on for an hour or more. The giver must change the speed or the type of stroke or pause for a second, in order to sustain the experience of peaking that occurs just before climax, and she or he has to divine when these pauses or changes are necessary by observing the body language of the receiver very closely. This video shows two couples, a male / female, and a female / female. I was disappointed that the female / female couple weren't more physically passionate, and no identifiable female climax was shown, but apart from that, it is an educational and enjoyable film.

Alan and Donna Brauer, authors of _ESO: How You and Your Lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Extended Sexual Orgasm_ 4 _,_ clearly describe the kinds of muscular contractions that characterize ESO as a continuous, very intense experience of orgasm, that is reached after moving through one or more "normal" orgasms. Apart from this, there doesn't seem to be a substantial difference between their concept of ESO and Kathryn Grosz's. Their method of getting there seems to be very similar. It primarily involves switching the type of stimulation, just at the point of orgasm, from the G-spot to the glans of the clitoris and back again, and repeating that sequence so that the sensation continues to build. They also discuss "reaching out" for the sensation.

Patricia Hunter is one of a team of three people who teaches these kinds of techniques to couples in the San Francisco Bay Area.


Input:
 **Prompt:**

Write about the concept of extended sexual orgasm (ESO), including its definition, the importance of communication skills and trust between partners, and the role of intuition in maintaining the state of ESO. Discuss the distinction between an extended orgasmic state and heightened arousal with a climax at the end of it. Provide examples of personal experiences with ESO and its impact on individuals. Mention the connection between ESO and tantric sex, but also emphasize that spiritual experiences can occur in various forms of sexual play. Finally, note that the experience of orgasm is subjective and should not be limited by rigid definitions or labels.

Response:
_It's very important to learn to relax and let your body vibrate. I see it as one quarter of each of the following: mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical. You're never going to get off the ground with just the physical. I see the spiritual and the intuitive as being the same. If you're able to do the physical, the mental, and the intuitive, then that will take care of blocked emotions. But you have to stop being goal-oriented, and you must have communication skills. Good communication requires trust, surrender, and being able to read one another. ESO is holographic with the rest of life: you must confront life, and your fears, and go through the obstacles that your mind presents: you must have more of a will to pleasure than to pain. Tantric teachers are teaching sexuality and sensuality, which is part of the picture, but it's the difference between a dance party and being a champion ballroom dancer._

_It's like boiling water; once you've reached that state of boiling you can stay there as long as you can handle it. You're staying above and beyond going over the edge. Sometimes it's like holding onto the back of a jet plane; sometimes it's like the sun coming out. It can be very, very intense, and it's not always easy to stay there._

Patricia and her partner, Jim, make a strong distinction between an extended orgasmic state and heightened arousal with a climax at the end of it. Patti and other women (and Jim and other men) have been in a state of extended orgasm for up to six hours. They were good enough to do a demo for me. Jim is unusually intuitive and can "read" what his partner needs from him: slight changes in rhythm and touch inside her vagina or on her clitoris; laying his arm gently along the center point of her belly as he strokes her clitoris, to put pressure on the uterus; or stroking her thighs and belly away from the genital area, to spread the sensation of orgasm  throughout the body. (Having the woman push outwardly with her pelvic muscles is another way of distributing the sensation.) His intuitive ability is certainly a major factor in being able to hold a woman in a state of extended orgasm.

I watched as Jim sat cross-legged next to Patti and used two, three, or four fingers of one hand inside her while the other hand stimulated her clitoris. This was very familiar to me; many lesbians do this and create highly intuitive connections with their lovers. If they don't stay in a state of extended orgasm, it may only be because they haven't gotten over the "get-it-over-with" attitude to orgasm that is so common in our culture. During my research on the concept of extended orgasm, Jesse and I had several conversations about it, and she made these comments:

 _As I've thought and read about the possibilities of extended orgasm, I've begun to realize that I tend to bring myself down out of that period after orgasm as quickly as I can. I want to get normal, pull myself together. I don't have this attitude toward sex at all, but I do toward orgasm. I think if I could allow myself to stay in that period outside ordinary reality that occurs at the end of orgasm, when I'm very sensitive emotionally and physically, when I'm jerking and experiencing energy rushes through my body, the whole orgasm would continue._

Dorrie Lane's experience of ESO is a state she stays in without stimulation.

_The extended orgasm I experience is about being in a very high floating state that wavers at the beginning of orgasm. It's the kundalini energy swirling up through my body, starting in my feet, and encompassing me and my partner. It's like a hot flash! It's a completely spontaneous thing. It's a state of vulnerability; you have to have real trust and total ease with your partner. You wouldn't do it on a one-night stand. I can stay in that state for twenty minutes or so without any stimulation. I've never done it masturbating._

_Any thought pulls me out of it, even just the thought that I am doing it. I see it as a combination of the physical, mental, and emotional; it's a mixing of the three ingredients. I see the mental and the spiritual as being the same; if my mind is able to relax enough to let me be in the moment, then that being in the moment becomes a spiritual state. Practicing meditation helps you to learn to allow the mind to come to rest._

_It's a gift. It happens when it's appropriate, and it's spontaneous. You can't intend for it to happen:; trying to make it happen gets in the way. You just have to be open to the little miracle that it is. I have faith in people's openheartedness. If they are looking for it, they'll find it. There isn't one key—there are lots of them._

Extended orgasm is a continual sensation, almost a plateau of orgasm, whereas multiple orgasms are ongoing individual orgasms, with a break in between each one, and then more stimulation to bring on the next one. However, these definitions are concrete—and the experience of orgasm is not. It is possible that what one person is calling extended orgasm might be what the next person calls multiple orgasms. And who is to judge, since none of us can inhabit someone else's body? What is important is that we don't limit our concept of pleasure by sticking pedantically to a limited definition.

Extended orgasm is frequently associated with tantric sex, which is currently enjoying an explosion in popularity. Tantra is derived from ancient Eastern religions that used certain sexual practices as a way of attaining spiritual enlightenment. But, as you may have realized by now, many women consider all kinds of sexual play to be spiritual, and it need not be labeled an extended orgasm for a woman to feel transported to a spiritual realm. Since no one can or should try to define or label someone else's experience, I have tried to present a variety of experiences with as much flexibility and as little labeling as possible. In the following chapter, I shall explore why a spiritual perspective can be useful with regard to sex and orgasm.

#  _**Notes**_

1 Gina Ogden, _Women Who Love Sex: Ordinary Women Describe Their Paths to Pleasure, Intimacy, and Ecstasy_ (Trumpeter, 2007). Originally published in 1994.

2 DVD: _How to Be a Sex Goddess in 101 Easy Steps: The Sluts and Goddesses Video Workshop_ , produced and directed by Annie Sprinkle and Maria Beatty, 1992, 52 minutes.

3 DVD: _The Art of Extended Sexual Orgasm for Men and Women_ , Kathryn Grosz, Pacific Media, 2004, 80 minutes.

4 Alan and Donna Brauer, _ESO: How You and Your Lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Extended Sexual Orgasm_ (Grand Central Publishing, 2001). Originally published in 1983.