Input:
1. Q: What is the main focus of Chapter 1?
A: The main focus of Chapter 1 is sexual play and the importance of embracing our complexity and diversity in sexual experiences. It introduces a new vocabulary for sex and highlights the benefits of sexual play as a form of self-expression and connection.
2. Q: What is the purpose of the anatomy review in Chapter 2?
A: The purpose of the anatomy review in Chapter 2 is to provide a comprehensive understanding of the sexual organs and their functions. It covers both male and female anatomy, including the clitoris, vagina, and penis, and discusses the role of each in sexual pleasure.
3. Q: What is the significance of the "One Is Not Always Enough" section in Chapter 2?
A: The "One Is Not Always Enough" section in Chapter 2 emphasizes the importance of variety in sexual experiences. It encourages readers to explore different types of sexual activities and to communicate with their partners about their desires and needs.
4. Q: What is the myth of the definitive orgasm discussed in Chapter 3?
A: The myth of the definitive orgasm is the belief that there is only one "right" way to experience an orgasm. This chapter challenges that myth by discussing the various types of orgasms, including combination orgasms, surface orgasms, and depth orgasms.
5. Q: What is the nonphysical component of orgasm discussed in Chapter 4?
A: The nonphysical component of orgasm discussed in Chapter 4 includes the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects of sexual experiences. It explores the role of chemistry, emotional orgasms, and the power of fantasy in enhancing sexual pleasure.
6. Q: What is the significance of the feminine in the spiritual experience of orgasm discussed in Chapter 5?
A: The significance of the feminine in the spiritual experience of orgasm is that it emphasizes the importance of intuition, feelings, and oneness in achieving a transcendent sexual experience. It also discusses the role of tantra, kundalini, and meditation in connecting with the divine.
7. Q: What are some variations in desire discussed in Chapter 6?
A: Some variations in desire discussed in Chapter 6 include differences in libido, sexual orientation, and preferences. It also discusses the impact of hormonal changes, medications, and aging on sexual desire.
8. Q: What is the role of negative messages in Chapter 7?
A: The role of negative messages in Chapter 7 is to explore how societal and cultural attitudes towards sex can impact an individual's sexual self-esteem and expression. It discusses the impact of sexual abuse and the importance of recovery.
9. Q: What is the significance of communication in relationships discussed in Chapter 8?
A: The significance of communication in relationships discussed in Chapter 8 is that it emphasizes the importance of communication in achieving satisfying sexual experiences. It discusses the power of both saying "no" and "yes" and the importance of asserting oneself and communicating desires and boundaries.
10. Q: What is the role of the PC muscle in penetration discussed in Chapter 9?
A: The role of the PC muscle in penetration discussed in Chapter 9 is that it is responsible for controlling the contractions of the vagina during penetration. Strengthening the PC muscle can enhance sexual pleasure and improve control during sex.
11. Q: What is the relationship of orgasm to ejaculation discussed in Chapter 10?
A: The relationship of orgasm to ejaculation discussed in Chapter 10 is that they are not necessarily the same thing. While ejaculation is often associated with male orgasm, it is possible to have an orgasm without ejaculation. The chapter also discusses the power of ejaculation and its role in empowerment and sexual expression.

Response:
Table of Contents

Title Page

Acknowledgments

Foreword

Introduction

CHAPTER 1 - SEXUAL PLAY

A New Vocabulary for Sex

The Best Medicine

Embracing Our Complexity and Diversity

CHAPTER 2 - WHAT WORKS, WHAT DOESN'T, AND WHY

An Anatomy Review

An Oral Review

Penetration

How to Ask

Masturbation

Vibrators

Variety of Pleasures

One Is Not Always Enough

Emotional Erogenous Zones

Tuning In

CHAPTER 3 - THE PHYSICAL EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM

The Myth of the Definitive Orgasm

Beyond Vaginal and Clitoral

Combination Orgasms

Surface Versus Depth

Pulsing and Contractions

Pregnancy and Orgasm

A Vocabulary for Orgasm

Multiple Orgasms

Notes

CHAPTER 4 - THE ENERGETIC EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM

The Nonphysical Components of Orgasm

Chemistry: A Psychic Connection

Emotional Orgasms

The Intellectual Component: Focusing the Mind

Aftershocks

Simultaneous and Empathic Orgasms

Energy Movement Within the Body

Alignment

Visuals

The Power of Fantasy

Sound

Extended Orgasm

Notes

CHAPTER 5 - THE SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM

The Feminine

Intuition and Feelings

Separation, Oneness, and Passion

Tantra

Kundalini

The Breath

Meditation

Love, Sex, and Sanity

CHAPTER 6 - THE ELUSIVE ORGASM

Variations in Desire

Hysterectomies, Medications, and Aging

Disappearing Orgasms

Recognizing an Orgasm

Anorgasmic Women

Cultural Conditioning

Learning to Come

Great Expectations

The Need to Please

Faking Orgasm

Do Men Know When We're Faking It?

Notes

CHAPTER 7 - EARLY SEXUAL EXPERIENCES

A Child's View of Sex

Growing Up Without Information

Embracing Our Passion

Negative Messages

Why Some of Us Love Our Sexual Selves and Some of Us Don't

When Sex Is Sex and When It's Not

Sexual Abuse of Children

Recovery

Notes

CHAPTER 8 - RELATIONSHIPS

Bodies

Take Your Time

Partners

Withholding Feelings

A Great Love Doesn't Always Guarantee Great Sex

Communication

The Power of No

The Power of Yes

Getting Turned On

Dealing with Difficult Feelings

Getting Down to Business

Take a Risk, But Don't Take It Seriously

Asserting Ourselves

Claiming Our Passion

It Hurts So Good

Fears Versus Passion

Notes

CHAPTER 9 - PENETRATION AND THE G-SPOT

Lubrication

The PC Muscle

Penetration Is Not Essential

But Some of Us Really Love It!

Virginity: The Arduous Process of Losing It

Enjoying Penetration

The Astounding Vagina

Taking It Slowly

The G-Spot

Location, Location, Location

Toys

To Use a Dildo…or Not Use a Dildo

Ode to the Dildo

Other Orifices

Notes

CHAPTER 10 - EJACULATION, FISTING, AND ANAL SEX

The G-Spot and Ejaculation

What Is It and Where Does It Come From?

Who? When? How Much?

The Relationship of Orgasm to Ejaculation

The Power of Ejaculation

Vaginal Fisting

The How-tos of Vaginal Fisting

Vaginal Fisting and Orgasms

Anal Sex

Notes

CHAPTER 11 - THE PURPOSE OF ORGASM

From Pain to Pleasure, and Beyond…

Responsible Sex, Responsible Living

Working with Energy

Empowerment

Notes

APPENDIX A: SAFER SEX

APPENDIX B: RESOURCES

APPENDIX C: QUESTIONNAIRE

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Copyright Page


Input: Q: Describe the physical sensation of a powerful orgasm using vivid and imaginative language. Compare it to natural or cosmic phenomena to emphasize its intensity and transformative power.

Response:
_I can lose myself completely in a powerful orgasm._
_It's like being ripped out from inside._
_It's like planets colliding._
_Yes, the earth moves, but not before the Milky Way dissolves._


Input: Q: Compose the Acknowledgments section for a nonfiction book on female sexuality. Include the names and roles of various contributors, such as interviewees, authors, sex educators, therapists, and organizations. Provide context for their contributions, such as book titles, quotes, and interviews.

Response:
**Acknowledgments**

My heartfelt thanks to: Jesse Cougar, Caryn McClosky, Barbara Taylor, Joy Schulenburg, and Victoria Baker for their time, feedback, and support. Barbara, Bonnie, Bluejay, Catrayl, Carolyn, Chris, Cora, D'Arcy, Deborah, Devorah, Diane, Donna, Doris, Jacq, Jana, Judy, Kay, Laurie, Linci, Lisa Halse, Lisa Sacks, Maggie, Maluma, Maria, Marya, Molly, Nancy, Nora, Nyna, Pat, Robin, Sage, Sari, Tine, Tui, Vika, and all the other wonderful women who spent time talking with me or completed a questionnaire; also Bee, Dave, Rayner, and Wolfgang.

The following people had private conversations with me and are quoted in the text: Lonnie Barbach, PhD, is the author of _For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality_ , among many other books. Author and sex educator Joani Blank founded Good Vibrations, the first womancentered sex toy store in the U.S. Jwala is a Tantra teacher and the author of _Sacred Sex: Ecstatic Techniques for Empowering Relationships_. Dorrie Lane is the creator of the Wondrous Vulva Puppet. Anna Marti is an intimacy coach and speaker on bridging esoteric tantric teaching and western psychotherapeutic and somatic practices. Some of her quotes appeared in an interview conducted by the Society for Human Sexuality. NightOwl is a pagan writer and sex activist. Some of her quotes appeared in an interview conducted by the Society for Human Sexuality. Dr. Annie Sprinkle is an artist, sexologist, ecosexual, author, lecturer, and educator. Some of her quotes are from her DVD _Sluts and Goddesses_. Dr. Joan Spiegel is a sex therapist, psychologist, and homeopath. David Steinberg is the author of _Erotic by Nature: A Celebration of Life, of Love, and of Our Wonderful Bodies_ and _Photo Sex: Fine Art Sexual Photography Comes of Age_. Deborah Sundahl is the producer of many DVDs on female ejaculation. She is the author of _Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot: Not Your Mother's Orgasm Book!_ Patricia Huntington Taylor is author of _The Enchantment of Opposites: How to Create Great Relationships_.

The following people are quoted in the text of the book: Carolyn Gage is a lesbian author and playwright. Janet W. Hardy is co-author of _The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures_. Alex Robboy, L.S.W., is a sex therapist and founder of the Center for Growth Inc. and How to Have Good Sex Inc. Beverly Whipple, PhD, co-author of _The G Spot: And Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality_, and Janet Lever, PhD, author of _The Great Sex Weekend: A 48-Hour Guide to Rekindling Sparks for Bold, Busy, or Bored Lovers_ , were both very helpful.


Input: Write a foreword for a nonfiction book on female orgasms. Discuss the personal impact the book had on you, including any misconceptions you held before reading it and how the book helped you overcome them. Address the various types of women who may benefit from reading the book, from those who struggle with orgasms to those who have them easily. Encourage the reader to approach the book as a tool to enhance their understanding and enjoyment of their own sexuality. Sign off with your name and location.

Response:
**FOREWORD**

"I really need help," the email read. "I feel like a great big loser of a woman because I can't have an orgasm." Arriving in my inbox from a total stranger, the long email detailed a personal struggle with a very private issue, one she had not shared with anyone. But she shared it with me, and she was not the first, or the only one.

Not being able to have an orgasm, or what she thought was the right kind of orgasm, had pushed her to the point of desperation, made her feel frighteningly alone, like she was a "loser," that she had somehow let down the sisterhood of all women, and that not only was she doing something wrong, but that she was also likely broken in some way that could never be fixed.

Like my email advice seeker, who signed off "Frustrated in Seattle," many women have a lot riding on orgasm. It goes deeper than self-esteem. It gets to the very heart of what makes many of us feel like women. It validates our personhood in our gender and our bodies. It's something that represents our power, our true ownership of our bodies.

Take this away, or make it feel unattainable or wrong, and you take from a woman one of the things that is truly hers. Withhold it, and we somehow feel like we're not complete.

I think you know what I mean. Growing up, I always had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that there was some orgasm "ideal" that I was not attaining, or should be very, very worried I would not be able to have.

While my experience was not as frustrating as "Frustrated," I knew I was able to have them—by myself. But for some weird reason, I believed that the only "real" way for me to have one was to have it with a partner, and from penis-vagina penetration.

Until I read the first edition of Mikaya Heart's book years ago, I had no idea how this notion had entered my brain. Nor especially how something so absolute and so negative and so personal had taken root so firmly. I don't remember anyone telling me as a young woman that any kind of orgasm was any more valid than another. Or that I would be incomplete if I did not come in a certain way, with a guy. Yet for some reason I really felt that way, and it wasn't until I started to ask myself where this idea came from that I realized that it was not a value of my own. It was someone else's.

Let me confess right now that I didn't know how, where, or when I had allowed my orgasms to be defined (or validated) by someone else. They just were.

This book changed everything for me: my orgasms, my relationship with sex, my relationship with my orgasms, and how I shared my orgasms (or not) with other people. I've recommended this book to hundreds, thousands of women over the years. Like me, each woman has had her own "ah ha!" moment between these pages. You can probably guess that for me it began with learning that I had grown up with cultural values instilled in me that were actually over a hundred years old. Basically, Freud had said that women had "immature" orgasms with the clitoris, and only "mature" (read: "real") orgasms from intercourse—vaginal—sex. And as a sex educator, I knew how many impossible standards this drivel, taken as gospel, had put into place.

It boggled my mind that my generation of women could be still living under social rules about women's orgasms from so long ago. But when I read about it, I realized I had found a definition for what my head had  decided was a "real" orgasm or not. And the realization that it was not my definition at all, that it was from outside me, brought me a sense of relief. It also gave me the power to reject it.

Still. It's easy to read all of the popular sex-ed books and feel like you're somehow missing out. So-and-so porn star can have orgasms when she blinks. That trendy bestseller will tell you there's a "magic button" hidden somewhere inside of your ladyparts, and if you can't find it, well, _we're sorry_. _Good luck_.

There's always something lurking around the corner to bully your orgasm into not showing up, or when she does, to make her feel like she's wearing the same dress to the party as she did last year. And there's lipstick on her teeth. She felt great, but little did she realize there was something not-so-great about her the whole time.

You will always read these things and feel like you don't stack up. That you're missing out. That you'll never reach the summit. So I'd like to encourage you to think of these things like a glass door between you and your pleasure. And think of this book like a gentle brick—or a key, if you prefer a more subtle metaphor—to get you through to the other side.

I recommended this book to "Frustrated," and I recommend it to all women—not just those of us who can't get to where we think we should be with orgasm. This book is for all women. Ones who are lucky and have orgasms readily, repeatedly, and easily; those who find them insanely frustratingly elusive; and women who have no idea where to even begin—as well as women who once had them and want them back. It's a luscious, eye-opening, practical, and entertaining read. It is impossible to read this book and not learn something you really value about orgasms.

I've never been able to keep a copy of this book for long. And to me, that's the ultimate compliment. I will continue to buy this book for all of my friends who borrow it and never return it. We're worth it.

Violet Blue
San Francisco


Input: Write an introduction for the second edition of your book on female orgasms. Discuss the changes made in this edition compared to the first, including the removal of your personal story and the addition of sidebars and anatomy illustrations. Mention the impact the book has had on readers' sex lives since its initial publication. Comment on the current state of sexual education and attitudes towards sex, highlighting progress made and areas for improvement. Share your motivation for writing the book and the value of personal experiences in understanding female sexuality. Explain your decision to include input from a diverse group of women, including those who are not satisfied with their sex lives. Provide guidance on how to use the book, emphasizing that it is not a prescriptive guide but rather a resource for exploring individual sexual preferences and enjoyment. Sign off with your name.

Response:
**INTRODUCTION**

In 1998, I published the first edition of this book, which was titled _When the Earth Moves: Women and Orgasm_. Since then, I have received numerous letters from readers telling me how much their sex lives have improved as a result of this book. This edition is a little shorter and easier on the eyes, with the addition of sidebars and anatomy illustrations. I have deleted my personal story of healing from a childhood of sexual abuse, as that story is now available in my memoir ( _My Sweet Wild Dance_ ), although you will still find many references to my own experience throughout the text.

In the last twelve years, with the advent of the Internet, a number of forums for discussion about sex have opened up. Some very good books about sex have been written, and books about sex are more easily available than ever. In most parts of the Western world, sex is generally accepted as a normal and delightful human activity, and children are offered real opportunities for education about sex. In spite of the religious right, we are no longer stuck in the days when women were told, _sex is dirty, save it for your husband._

And still, we have a way to go in the process of waking up to the true depth and breadth of human sexuality. Sexuality is both a great gift and a valuable tool that can enable us to experience the wisdom and joy of our bodies and help us to express our creativity. I believe that a healthy sex life makes for a healthy person, and I am unwilling to define what _healthy_ means for anyone but myself. I would like all of us to have the freedom to self-define, and I am very grateful that I have been fortunate enough to reach a place in my life where I am able to enjoy unbridled sexual passion. My initial inspiration in writing this book was the desire to share the insights and understandings that I have grasped in the personal process of stepping into my sexual power—a long but very rewarding journey that healed me on a deep level, taking me to a place of great appreciation for the extraordinary potential we have as human beings.

In some societies, sex is regarded as a sacred act; in others it is regarded as an act of profanity. Yet there are women all over the world who experience sex as fulfilling and empowering. For many of us it can be deeply transformative and healing, bringing us to the realization that we are much more than physical bodies confined by the limits of flesh and blood. No matter what our sexual or spiritual orientation may be, we can use sex as the doorway to a profound personal awakening.

I must say something about that word _spiritual_. Because it denotes a concept that many people find alienating, it's not a word I use very much. I am well aware that some people close off as soon as they hear or read it. However, our language is appallingly limited when it comes to discussing anything outside the physical arena. Because sex takes so many of us to a place beyond the physical, I find it impossible to discuss orgasm in any depth without referring to the spiritual, simply because there is no other word. I ask those of you who find that word difficult to transpose over it whatever meaning works for you. Above all, please do not equate it with any concept of God, gods, goddesses, or religions of any denomination.

Because sex is such an individual experience, it is vital to illustrate the huge variety of our sexual responses and feelings. In the course of writing this book, I interviewed twenty-six women and three men in considerable detail about their sex lives. My questionnaire (see Appendix C) was posted online and circulated by hand. The italicized quotes appearing throughout the book are from responses to the questionnaire or from the interviews, and they are credited where the individual requested it. (See Acknowledgments.) I have occasionally used a pseudonym where a discussion involves quoting from the same person several times. A few of the people quoted are personal friends who engaged in ongoing conversations with me in the process of my writing. These include Barbara, Laura, Joy, Jean, Victoria, Donna, Lisa, Terry, and Jesse, who was my lover at the time. I have also included my own experiences where they are relevant.

The women who are leading the way in the process of sexual reclamation are heterosexual, lesbian, and bisexual. Women who make love with other women have a vast body of firsthand information and a unique outlook on female sexuality. Therefore, while I have included a high proportion of heterosexual input, much of the information I've presented is gleaned directly from lesbians and bisexual women. The value of their perceptions is not confined to same-sex relationships; it is very relevant to heterosexual women interested in expanding their sexual practices.

I would like the reader to understand that most of the women I have interviewed are unusual; they are the ones who have been willing (and sometimes eager!) to talk about what sex is for them. Their experiences represent some of the possibilities within the range of female sexuality. Because I don't want to leave the reader with the idea that we are all having sex as good as those of us who are happy to talk about it, I have made an effort to include some women who are not satisfied with their sex lives. I am extremely grateful to the women who are not confident in their sexuality for being willing to talk to me; I know it wasn't always easy for them. Yet their input is vital, since women who aren't having great sex very often feel that there is something wrong with them, a feeling that prevents them from talking about their needs. Many women, including myself, have been in that place. I would like this book to foster the understanding that sex, like life, is a matter of individual preference; that experimentation is usually necessary to find out what you prefer; and that no one has any business judging you. No matter what you may hear to the contrary, there is no standard of normality that you, or anyone else, ought to adhere to.

Although I have offered some pointers, this book won't give you detailed instructions of what to do when you are in bed with someone. If that's what you are looking for, see the Resources (Appendix B) for some excellent suggestions.

I have included a few statistics about sexual responses, but when we are talking about something as controversial and subjective as sex, statistics are very questionable. Truthfully, people are more likely to lie about sex, consciously or unconsciously, than any other subject.

You don't need to read this book from front to back. Use the book in any way you want. Open it randomly and read the sidebars. Flip through the italicized quotes. Look up topics in the table of contents and explore whatever captures your fancy. Above all, don't take any of it too seriously. My intention is not to tell you what ought to be, only to offer up some choices. The most important thing about sex (and life) is to enjoy what feels good to you, however you're doing it.

Mikaya Heart


Input: Write a chapter on "Sexual Play" for a book about female orgasms. Discuss the importance of communication, laughter, and acceptance of diversity in sexual play. Explain the significance of developing a new vocabulary for sex and how it can be healing. Share definitions of terms used throughout the book, such as "giver," "receiver," and "sexual play." Emphasize the importance of consensuality and negotiation in sexual interactions. Discuss the role of laughter in making sex more enjoyable and less serious. Explain the complexity and diversity of women's orgasms, including the fact that some women may not experience orgasms at all. Encourage acceptance of individual differences in sexuality and orgasm. Provide examples of women's descriptions of their orgasms to illustrate the diversity of experiences.

Response:
**CHAPTER** **1**

**SEXUAL PLAY**

Let's begin with the three facets of sexual play that I believe are the most important: communication, laughter, and acceptance of our remarkable diversity. I refer to these frequently throughout the book.

#  **A New Vocabulary for Sex**

I cannot stress too strongly how deeply healing it has been for me just to talk about sex. Speaking openly and honestly about my desires and listening to other women speak openly and honestly about theirs has released me from the veil of shame that shrouded the subject of sex when I was growing up. It has also been, and continues to be, incredibly informative. The learning process is ongoing. Our bodies are capable of the most extraordinary things, particularly when they are in a state of sexual arousal. And what limits our sexuality are the concepts we cling to of what we think is _meant_ to happen.

_When you truly let your sexual energy flow freely throughout your entire being, you'll feel as though you're making love every moment of every day with everything and everyone—even during a root canal._

**—DR. ANNIE SPRINKLE**

Sex is like life. Our concepts of what sex is are shaped by our expectations; our expectations are shaped by our culture, and our culture is shaped by, and shapes, our language. The language we have available to us to talk about sex is minimal. Indeed, if it were anywhere close to adequate, we would have at least twenty different words to describe different kinds of orgasm. So here are definitions of a few terms you will read throughout the book.

I often use the words _giver_ and _receiver_. The receiver is the one who is having something done to her, and might appear to be the more passive partner; the giver is the one who is doing, and might appear to be the more active partner. (Obviously there are times when this division is meaningless.)

The other term I frequently use is _sexual play_. It is vital that we view sex as a playful exchange, so that the games we engage in and the roles we adopt are openly acknowledged and discussed between willing participants. I do not use the term _foreplay_ , since it denotes a goal, a beginning and an end, and I've never related to it. While there are (possibly) beginnings and ends to specific acts during particular sexual encounters, sexual undercurrents are going on all the time, between all kinds of people. Whether or not we choose to bring these undercurrents to the surface, and act on them, should _always_ be the result of consensual agreement between adults.

Traditional sexual interchanges all too often involve one person initiating an act that the other person feels ambivalent about, due to her past experience, or the likelihood that she won't get her needs met, or both. _Consensuality_ and _negotiation_ are extremely important concepts that are sadly lacking in this kind of exchange. Good sex must always be fully consensual, which means that both partners consciously agree to it, rather than doing things a certain way by default.

I occasionally use the word _fuck_ in this book, usually meaning the act of penetration. Like some of the other words we use when we're talking about sex, it can have negative connotations and mean different things to  different people. Make sure to check in—do these words mean the same to the person you're talking with? If you are using a word that brings up unpleasant images for your partner, you will want to find an alternative.

#  **The Best Medicine**

We have a romantic tendency to want sex to flow flawlessly and effortlessly. The need to have it this way often leads to tension and awkwardness. The best antidote to an overdose of seriousness is laughter; I'm not talking about the inane "dirty" jokes that reinforce tiresome and damaging stereotypes, but loving laughter that stems from a down-to-earth feeling of joy.

_The times I remember best are the times when there was laughter as well as passion._

Whether it's a giggle or a good, deep belly laugh, it's wonderful when lovers can roll around together in hilarity. The things that we get so anxious about, be they lack of orgasm, lack of erection, or anything else, are exactly the things that don't have to matter at all, and we need to learn to be flippant about them. If a man could look down at his limp penis and say, "Uh-oh, looks like it's not coming out to play today," or a woman, instead of faking it, could say, "I can see this orgasm out of the corner of my eye, but I think it's running the other way," then we'd be able to relax and have a good time, instead of fixating on what's _not_ happening.

_Being goofy and playful takes me a lot further. Laughing breaks down a certain barrier that makes it possible to open up more sexually._

Laughter can also be part and parcel of an orgasm.

_Once we were making love in a place where we had to be really quiet; when my lover came she was desperately trying to stifle her moans, but they kept breaking through as loud snorts, a mixture of laughter and sexual pleasure. We both laughed helplessly for several minutes, and the ripples of suppressed laughter shook my body just like an orgasm._

These days, sex can be laden with fear of disease, and it may be difficult to be spontaneous. All the more reason to be able to laugh, as you drop the condom on the floor, or it splits as you're putting it on, or you roll off the edge of the bed as you're reaching for it.

_When the telephone by the bed rang, I reflexively picked it up. It was a repairman telling me what was wrong with my computer and how difficult it would be to fix. And here I am, on my hands and knees, getting it really hard and really well doggie-style with this huge hard dick, on the verge of coming, and more or less shouting into the phone, "Oh yeah, whatever it takes, just do it. Do it. Do it! DO IT!" And, the nice thing was, they both listened to me and did it._

#  **Embracing Our Complexity and Diversity**

There is a vast complexity of possibility in women's orgasm, varying from whole body orgasm to clitoral or vaginal, from mental orgasm to intensely emotional ones. Consequently, it's very hard to produce a definition that applies universally, and such a definition could never encompass the enormous variety of what women call orgasm. As you will discover as you read further, there are women who can come as they walk across a room, and there are women who don't come at all. There are women who started having orgasms at the age of four, and there are women who started having them at the age of sixty-four. For some women, orgasm is an integral part of their sexuality, and they expect to have several every time they make love; other women are content _not_ having orgasms in a definable way—or would be content, if they weren't made to feel abnormal or freakish.

Having orgasms, or not, is a personal thing. It varies as much as any other aspect of sexuality. Some women ejaculate; some don't. Some women enjoy penetration; some don't. Some women have huge orgasms; some have little ones. Some women have multiple orgasms; some women have one; some don't have anything they identify as an orgasm. Some women just aren't particularly sexual, and others are. Learning to orgasm might be a little like learning to ride a bicycle: it's an unconscious trick of the mind in combination with the body that makes someone suddenly  able to balance, where she couldn't do so before. Releasing our passion, and managing sexual and creative energy, is not usually something that can happen on a conscious level. It is related to the healing of the whole individual. What's important for all women is to go with what our bodies want at any given time, knowing that what is true in this moment _will_ change. It may be that women who don't come, or don't come easily, are not psychologically ready to experience what the orgasm will do to them: that intense, shocking alignment of body and soul that can occur with a strong orgasm. It is a very bad idea to be invested in _making_ yourself come, or in _making_ your partner come. You can't force something that can only happen naturally, and you won't achieve anything good by trying. Life is a series of phases, and most women go through phases when they aren't particularly sexual. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with _not_ being sexual.

That said, some of us have incredible experiences when we allow free flow to our sexual energy. What follows are a few of the lyrical descriptions of orgasm that I received:

 _I feel the sensation of my orgasms up inside me, and all the way out to my outer lips. They're deep, pulsing, throbbing, clenching. They're emotionally overwhelming and all-consuming!_

_The energy builds in my pelvis, or sometimes throughout my whole body, even my brow furrows. Everything gets pulled in to the point where the energy is pushed outward; that's the point of orgasm. I most often feel it go out through my feet or straight upward from my pelvis._

_I feel trembly and like I'm headed to a cliff, then I'm lifted up when I come, and float back down when I'm done._

_I could be in a life-or-death situation and not stop if I was having an orgasm._

_My orgasms are a combination of water waves and electricity. The front of my body feels electrical from my shins up to my face. The rest of my body feels liquid, like waves washing through it. Exquisite is too small a word; I feel like my whole body has been hit with a baseball bat._

_I don't have the words for it, except that there is a buildup and then release and that I really enjoy it. Plus there is a lot of variation between orgasms; some even verge on boring but necessary._

_Orgasm is like a chord that resonates through my whole being, like total release, total fusion with my partner._

_My strongest orgasms feel like I am exploding in a ball of blue light, an intense deep blue. The lesser orgasms are like riding an undulating wave of intensity with blue flashes here and there along the way. The strongest leave me drenched in sweat, heart pounding, and exhausted. Even the lesser ones are very exciting._

_Orgasms are like rolling waves, sometimes sweet little ones, sometimes crashing thunder. They're about sensitivity, playfulness, love, and open sharing!_

_There is a feeling of surfacing, emerging (maybe like birth!)._

_For me, orgasm is a release of tension, especially if I'm masturbating. There are definite muscle contractions, sometimes just a few, sometimes lots and lots that go on for quite a while. A very good orgasm with a partner is just completely overwhelming—I can't even begin to describe it. I can orgasm basically whenever I want to, and sometimes in only a few seconds._

_An orgasm feels like being possessed by power, and then being flooded by it or flooding it._

_Trying to describe orgasms is really difficult, like trying to describe an acid trip. I usually feel tension building up—a definite tingling or tickling, mainly in the pelvic region, also in my nipples. There's a sense of shortness-of-breath, as though I'm very nervous. At the climax my whole body convulses. It feels like a rush of pleasure and heat starting with my clitoris and rushing quickly through my entire body, something like an electric shock. This happens in several waves with diminishing intensity. The first wave is very intense._

_Orgasm is a concentrated buzz that builds to an explosion throughout my body._

_Orgasm is an all-encompassing heat that increases in power and depth to an explosive and cleansing release._

_Orgasm is electrifying, my body held in position, frozen solid waiting for it to end, pounding, rising, warmth, elation, laughter, wild, crazy, like nothing matters except that one moment, everything else falls away. Swept up and up, a rush to beat all rushes. Trying to hold it, hold on, and slowly having it recede to end in calm contentment._


Input: Write a chapter for a book about women's sexual experiences titled "What Works, What Doesn't, and Why". Discuss the importance of understanding female anatomy and sexual responses, including the role of emotional preparation and physical stimulation. Emphasize the diversity of sexual experiences and the need for open communication between partners. Provide detailed information about female anatomy, including the vulva, clitoris, and internal structures such as the urethral sponge and perineal sponge. Discuss different types of sexual stimulation, such as oral sex and penetration, and the importance of finding what works for each individual. Include tips for performing oral sex and the use of vibrators. Discuss the role of masturbation in understanding one's own sexual responses and the importance of self-exploration. Address common misconceptions about masturbation and the benefits of this practice. Finally, emphasize the importance of tuning in to one's own body and one's partner's body for a fulfilling sexual experience.

Response:
**CHAPTER** **2**

**WHAT WORKS, WHAT DOESN'T, AND WHY**

_The "how" of sex has to do with getting my lover to set the stage, to prepare me emotionally first—to create a sense of safety, slowly, lovingly, attentively—to open me up physically before approaching my genitals._

Sexual responses are as varied as physical appearance, and having an orgasm is by no means all that women need from sex. However, most women want to have an orgasm or two at some point, and many do need specific kinds of stimulation. Some basic information about women's anatomy might help you understand women's experiences with orgasm.

We are so hung up about and divorced from our bodies in Western culture that couples are often too embarrassed to really study one another's bodies, and end up fumbling around in the dark. Unfortunately, the erotic parts of the body don't contain magnets that will automatically draw fingers, tongues, penises, or any other desirable object to them. And fumbling doesn't generally lead to a delightfully sensual experience. Given  that women's anatomy varies so much, it's a good idea for anyone who is making love to a woman to take the time to admire what she's got between her legs and familiarize themselves with her physical parts.

#  **An Anatomy Review**

Many people assume that female sexual organs consist of the vagina and the clitoris. In fact, the part that is actually visible from the outside is the _vulva_ **,** which is comprised of the _inner_ and _outer labia,_ the _glans_ of the _clitoris,_ and the _clitoral hood_ (which often obscures the glans until you either pull it back, or she becomes aroused). Even today, girls may grow up in total ignorance of the existence of their clitoris and vagina; in fact, for many girls, it is the use of a tampon that first introduces them to the vagina. But if they wash down there, they know what the vulva feels like.

**Female Anatomy (External)**

Apart from the fact that knowing what is where greatly facilitates lovemaking, vulvas are beautiful to look at. Sadly, it is not just those who love women who need to learn to love vulvas, it is also the women who own them; many of us are repulsed by our own genitals. How can you experience sex as loving when you feel that way about your sexual parts? There are plenty of ways to go about learning to love yourself. First, familiarize yourself with your own vulva, using a mirror. You can put the mirror on the floor and squat over it, and then pull your lips aside with your fingers to see what's really there. You may also want to check out what you look like when you are aroused because the color and shape can change quite dramatically.

Female genitals vary enormously in size, shape, color, and amount of hair. Familiarizing yourself with other women's genitals will reassure you that yours aren't weird. If you don't want to or aren't able to do this firsthand, there are several books with excellent illustrations. The best of these is _Femalia_ (edited by Joani Blank, published by Last Gasp). Other suggestions are listed in the Resources.

**Female Anatomy (Internal)**

Knowledge of anatomy also helps to make sense of sexual response. The clitoris is actually much bigger than the little nub of hard flesh (the glans) that I manipulated to achieve my first orgasm. The clitoris consists of hard tissue with legs (or wings, technically referred to as _crura)_ that extend into the walls of the vagina and are surrounded by spongy tissue that swells when a woman is aroused. When the clitoris is erect the glans gets bigger and protrudes from under its hood.

The _perineal sponge_ is a pad of spongy erectile tissue that lies between the rectum and the rear wall of the vagina, and the _urethral sponge_ is another pad of spongy erectile tissue that lies between the urethral canal (which leads to the bladder) and the front wall of the vagina. They can both be felt through the walls of the vagina, and they tend to be the most erotically sensitive parts of the vagina. The part of the urethral sponge that you can feel from inside the vagina is known as the _G-spot._ It is homologous to the male prostate gland, and some women find it to be highly sensitive.

The sexual organs are supported by a sling of muscle called the _pubococcygeal,_ or _PC_ , _muscle_.

The word _clitoris_ is occasionally used as a catch-all term that refers to all of a woman's sex organs. I think this is a little confusing, but it does help to change the ridiculous perception that female genitalia consist of separate and distinct parts. The whole area is interconnected with an intricate web of muscles, nerves, and blood vessels. When the glans of the clitoris is stimulated, _all_ of her erectile tissue, including the urethral sponge and the perineal sponge, will probably swell, and vice versa.

The urethral opening is between the vaginal entrance and the clitoral hood. You can see it if you pull your inner labia apart; it is a small hole, with a slight mound around it. Laura, a nurse, reports that once she had a female patient whose urethral opening was actually inside her vagina and therefore not visible at all. So if your anatomy is different, it doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong.

The urethral opening may be quite sensitive to touch. Many women find it very arousing to be stroked in that area.

The vagina is often thought of as a hole. In fact, the only time it is visible as a hole is when the erectile tissue around the entrance is engorged, which usually happens when a woman is very aroused. At other times the entrance to the vagina may be quite difficult to find. If you're searching in vain for your partner's vagina, it probably means your partner is not yet  sufficiently aroused or ready for penetration. Moreover, in its resting state, the vagina is not an empty space. The muscles that form the walls of the vagina lie against each other, so that there is no space between them. As a woman becomes aroused, the muscles contract and pull away from each other, forming a cave.

#  **An Oral Review**

Many women find the glans of the clitoris too sensitive to take any direct touch. You can have plenty of fun stimulating the clitoris in different ways: grasping the shaft between your fingers; stroking the place at the base of the inner lips where the legs of the clitoris lie under the skin; stroking the glans just above or below the hood, or through the labia (which are fairly stretchy). Often there is a very specific spot, usually to one side of the glans, that's more sensitive than any other. Ask!

Using your tongue on any of the same places can be wonderful. Many women tend to be paranoid that their lovers don't like going down on them. However, all the men who filled in the men's questionnaire said they did. Here are responses from a few of them:

 _Cunnilingus is usually my favorite part of sex._

_Oh yes, that's my favorite part; I do that at least 90 percent of the time._

_Very much so, I rarely engage in any sexual activity that doesn't include it._

_YES! I do it at least as often as she will let me._

_YESSSSSSS! I do it as often as I can. God, I do love it._

In spite of these enthusiastic testimonies, many women are not able to enjoy cunnilingus because they are afraid they smell or taste bad. Plenty of unasked-for reassurance from a lover should relieve some of the anxiety. Usually a woman's negative feelings about herself can be traced to having been told that "down there" is "dirty." You can reverse this dreadful conditioning by smelling and tasting yourself after you've bathed. Slide your finger inside your vagina and then smell and taste your own juices. When you've decided that, after all, it's not so awful, then do the same thing at different times of the day. Try it at different times in your cycle. Women's smells tend to alter throughout the month. Get to know yourself. And remember, even if you decide that you don't particularly like your smell or taste, that doesn't mean your lover will agree with you. Ask.

Every human being has his or her own distinct personal odor, and North Americans tend to have an especially strong paranoia about their body smells. Although we may not be consciously aware of it, personal odor may play an important part in sexual attraction. We all sweat, and we'd be in a sorry state if we didn't, since it is an essential bodily function. You may very well find yourself dripping with sweat during a great sexual encounter. I am certainly not recommending that you abandon good personal hygiene habits, but I am suggesting that if you insist on maintaining ladylike behavior at all times, you may be cheating yourself out of a passionate sexual experience.

Women who have had very negative sexual experiences, whether consciously recalled or not, may have negative associations with anything that reminds them of sex. The sense of smell is the most primal of all the senses, which means that it is the one most likely to key into the subconscious and bring up intense feelings you never knew were there. In other words, if you cannot get over your dislike of the smell of sex, or the smell of your own sexual organs, it may be because the smell triggers some feelings of abhorrence that are not so much about the smell itself, but about sex. This may be because you've had some very unpleasant experiences around sex, or it may be because of the fear and disgust around sex that we inherit from our culture.

The best antidote to that fear and disgust is the experience of enjoyment through sexual stimulation, and well-executed oral stimulation is one of the most reliable ways of experiencing pleasure for most women. But performing oral sex on a woman is not necessarily as easy as you might think. Linda believes that men are misled by pornographic films:

 _In porn movies they show the actors attacking a woman's vulva, licking just like a cat's tongue in a bowl of milk. That's okay when you are just on the edge of orgasm, but not to start out with!_

I asked several women how they would instruct someone to perform oral sex on them. Here are some of their replies:

 _Play with the tip of my clitoris with the tip of your tongue._

_I like oral sex to be fairly gentle; my clitoris is really sensitive. I want to feel that slickness._

_I can only come with oral stimulation. I want him to suck and bite my clit a lot._

_I like my clitoris to be licked, usually gently at first, but then with varying degrees of pressure and speed. I prefer one or two fingers inside me later on in the process. I don't really like having the rest of my vulva licked, or a tongue inside my vagina, or my clitoris being sucked. (And definitely no teeth!)_

_I guess I would tell her to give me a long, slow, gentle kiss, pretending my clit was her tongue. Then when I'm about to come, I like to be slowly entered with a finger or two._

_Use the tip of your tongue really lightly and slowly around and on my clit._

_I want my partner to start by kissing my belly, working down to my pussy. Then s/he should lightly run the tip of his/her tongue from my anus to the top of my clit, teasing me. Then s/he should stick his/her tongue in my vagina deep and hard, before moving up to my clit. I like having my clit licked, kissed, bitten gently, and manually stroked while fingers explore my G-spot and my anus. I also like to know that my partner enjoys what s/he is doing; verbal acknowledgement is great and turns me on even more._

Some women stress the importance of rhythm and speed:

 _I want my clitoris stimulated gently and rhythmically while she's talking dirty to me and penetrating my vagina deeply and slowly and rhythmically._

_I always want it done rhythmically; find one rhythm and don't change it._

_I need a gradual rhythmic increase in speed and pressure on my clit._

Sometimes it takes perseverance.

_I only have clitoral orgasms from using my own hand or from someone going down on me. Some of my lovers haven't been willing to stay down long enough—it usually takes fifteen or twenty minutes. Not everyone does it right, and I'm shy about asking for what I want._

There is a small percentage of women who aren't turned on by oral sex, so be sure to ask first.

_Clitoral stimulation by another person just doesn't seem to work all that well. I find receiving oral sex to be frustrating and somewhat boring, because no matter how intense it is, I never really come from it. Manual stimulation of my clit is actually an impediment to orgasm, strangely enough._

_I need my clitoris to be stimulated by hand: oral stimulation mostly doesn't work for me. It has to be very direct and at first fairly hard stimulation, lighter as I get closer to orgasm. I orgasm more easily if my nipples are being stimulated at the same time as my clitoris._

**A DIFFERENT KIND OF BLOW JOB**

**Another technique that works for some women is blowing on the genital area. This provides a pleasant tickling effect. Try putting your lips around the clitoris or the labia and "buzzing" with them. Also try having a hot cup of tea or some other liquid nearby; take a mouthful, hold it, and then dribble it slowly over her clitoral area or squirt it into her vagina. (Yes, it'll make the bed wet, so what?) You can try the same thing with cold water or chunks of ice, but be careful—I have found that ice on my genital area is painful and makes me tighten up, whereas heat feels glorious and makes me relax.**

#  **Penetration**

You may very well find that those who don't like oral sex really enjoy penetration. Chapter Nine is all about penetration, but here are a few pointers:

It is common to want slow penetration combined with clitoral stimulation.

_I find that I must have my clitoris stimulated in order to reach orgasm, but the orgasms are deeper if I am also penetrated vaginally._

_I need penetration and clitoral stimulation._

_I orgasm most often when my clit is being stimulated orally and when I'm being penetrated anally. I orgasm best when I am slowly worked toward a climax._

The sensations of penetration vary greatly, depending on how excited the woman is; what she is being penetrated with; whether it is being held still or moved around; whether it's curved or straight; how it's being moved (in and out, round and round, slow or fast, long deep strokes or short ones, all the way out or not quite); and at what angle it is being held. It can be very exciting to be penetrated with something as small as a finger if the finger is doing the right thing, which, again, varies from woman to woman.  A few women might always want to be filled up with something large. The shape of the object makes a big difference too. If it gets bigger towards the base it may be more uncomfortable for some women. Other women like a bigger base.

#  **How to Ask**

The personal accounts that appear throughout the book paint a very varied picture of what women like. So don't use the same formula on everyone. Each partner is an individual. Ask her what she wants. Of course, this isn't always as easy as it seems. A number of men pointed out in their questionnaires that it sometimes feels tacky to ask, "Did you come?" But there are plenty of other ways to find out if your partner had a good time. Try, "Would you have preferred to stop sooner than we did?" Or, "Would you like to have gone on longer?" What follows is a list of questions for partners to ask after a lovemaking session. Most women find these relatively easy to respond to:

• Was my rhythm too fast / slow / irregular?

• Would you have liked me to stay longer on your clitoris?

• Was I in the right spot?

• Would you have liked more general or more specific stimulation?

• Did I use enough lube?

• Did I enter you too soon or would you have liked me inside you earlier?

• Do you like trying different positions, and if so, which?

• Would you have liked me to use something else inside you?

• What other ways would you like me to touch you another time, that I didn't this time?

• Were there ways you would have liked to touch me?

If you are a woman who wants to ask for these things, you can turn them around and say:

• I tend to have even stronger orgasms when…

• You can make me come very quickly if you…

• I loved it when you…, and you could have done that longer.

• Would it have been okay with you if I had put my hand on my clit / used a vibrator / asked you to go down on me / slowed you down / asked you to stop?

• Do you like to use your fingers inside a woman? Let me show you the most sensitive part of my vagina.

Or any other tactful way of suggesting that you could have even more fun next time. In my opinion it is always best to offer suggestions from the beginning of the relationship; otherwise you could get stuck in a monotonous routine, and it becomes a very big deal to change. One creative way to get a clear picture of what excites your partner is to have her or him literally draw a diagram of their arousal. This can provide you with some surprising insights, since we often make unquestioned assumptions about what is going on for our partners. The two drawings opposite are by Jesse and myself. Mine represents a masturbation session; in hers, I am the doer and she is the receiver. Fifteen minutes into it I answered the telephone and had a ten minute conversation about gardening. As you can see, this interruption did not curtail Jesse's arousal, even though I paid her little attention while I was on the phone. I had assumed that her arousal would drop when I stopped stimulating her—and I was wrong.

#  **Masturbation**

The vast majority of women and men have their first orgasms through masturbating, and some women only come through masturbation. I strongly recommend that all women learn about pleasuring themselves. There are lots of good reasons for masturbating. It can be a great way to reverse any negative messages we may have about sex, and about our bodies. It is also wonderful to find out how much pleasure you can experience without being dependent on someone else. Getting to know your own body is liberating and empowering, and can be a great help in achieving sexual pleasure with a partner. Not only is it a source of enjoyment, it can increase your self-confidence, and it costs nothing. It can also be a straightforward and effective way to release tension.

_**There is absolutely no known harm that can come to you through masturbation.**_

Alas, we live in a society that is loaded with taboos about masturbation. In the early 20th century, it was still thought to be responsible for making women hysterical, and surgical removal of the clitoris and the outer lips was sometimes undertaken to remedy the "problem." Women occasionally think that their labia look strange or abnormal, and imagine this to be the result of masturbation. In fact, some women simply happen to have labia that are long or uneven. You are not going to physically alter anything down there by masturbating. Nor will you grow hair on your palms, nor will you go blind, nor will you get addicted. Self-pleasuring is a perfectly natural pastime. Young babies have been observed rocking themselves to orgasm. All of us would probably indulge in it if we weren't trained not to. _There is absolutely no known harm that can come to you through masturbation;_ it's the damage that is inflicted on our psyches by an uptight society that's harmful.

Having said all that, it's still true that many women just can't bring themselves to relax into the joy of self-stimulation.

_I do try to masturbate from time to time, especially in the bath. It seems hard to get any satisfaction; I can feel myself coming and enjoy it but I can end up feeling frustrated._

_Touching myself just didn't feel good to me._

Sometimes it's a very poor second to having a partner, and may even make us more aware that we are alone.

_Sometimes masturbating makes me cry and feel exceedingly lonely!_

Some women masturbate every day or more, others only masturbate once or twice a month. How much a woman masturbates will probably vary throughout her life, depending on whether she's with a partner, what her general health is like, what else is going on in her life, and what her hormones are doing. Most people masturbate because they want an orgasm, but that's not always the case. Since Rita doesn't orgasm, I asked her what she gets out of masturbating:

 _I like the sensations. I find it cool that my body can do that, can get aroused and feel things._

Clara, who had her first orgasm when she was forty-one, says she used to masturbate in phases as a teenager, usually in the bathroom, since her sexual desire was often connected with the sensation of peeing:

 _I'd get this intense, acute feeling in my clitoris, and I'd masturbate to relieve it. Sometimes it got rid of the feeling and sometimes it didn't._

The kinds of orgasm a woman experiences through masturbation may be quite different from the kind she has with a partner.

_When I'm masturbating I have intense but more localized and shorter orgasms._

There are many different ways to masturbate and many different things to masturbate with. You don't have to be on your own to masturbate; it can be exciting and very satisfying with a partner.

_I am in an eight-year monogamous relationship with a woman. After an exchange of "foreplay," stroking and whatever, we masturbate to orgasm at the same time, together. We find this very satisfying. Our relationship is based on mutual interests, sharing, and support, rather than on sex. It wasn't until we were in our forties that we had the emotional maturity to consider sex in other than conventional ways._

_I've used my hand, a vibrator, and water pressure to masturbate with. When I'm masturbating, I need to fantasize to come unless my partner is stimulating me by touching my breasts._

Many women find their bodies are a lot readier for orgasm when they haven't had one in a while.

_It helps if I haven't had sex for a month or so._

But most women report that the more accustomed they are to having orgasms, the more easily they have them.

_Sex is like chocolate—the more you have, the more you want._

#  **Vibrators**

Vibrators can be a quick and easy way to give yourself or someone else an orgasm. Even if you come reliably other ways, you may find yourself having a new and different kind of orgasm with a vibrator, and some women only come with the use of a vibrator:

 _Using a vibrator makes an orgasm inescapable, which is the greatest. I love to feel like an orgasm is coming to get me—no pun intended._

_I rarely achieve an orgasm without using my vibrator._

_When I masturbate, the direct route is a good quality AC-powered vibrator applied directly to my clit with a great deal of stimulation. There's no subtlety here at all, just sheer intensity._

_I had my first orgasm when I was eighteen and I'd just bought a vibrator, one of those cheesy battery-powered ones. It took me maybe two minutes to have my very first orgasm and I was thrilled. I went through several sets of batteries and two vibrators in the next few weeks._

Different kinds of vibrators, even if they seem to have similar kinds of vibration, can have very different effects. Some just make me numb, so that I can't come from any kind of stimulation after a few minutes of use. It's frustrating and not particularly pleasant. Be prepared to try more than one brand. The smaller, cheaper, battery-powered models may never bring on an orgasm by themselves, but they can be great as an addition to other kinds of stimulation. Various attachments are available to put on the end of a vibrator for anal or vaginal penetration.

But plenty of people don't like them:

 _Vibrators are too intense, too noisy, and physically irritating._

_I tried a vibrator once and found it completely uninteresting._

#  **Variety of Pleasures**

Almost any part of the body can be erotically sensitive if it is given attention. Sensuality is an aspect of sexuality, and any sexual encounter can be enhanced by keying into sensual desire.

_I had a very intense orgasm once when my clitoris, my vagina, and my toes were all being stimulated simultaneously._

In particular, many women have extremely sensitive nipples.

_I can orgasm just from having my nipples touched and stroked, then sucked intensely._

Some women need to have their bodies in particular positions.

_I come with my legs open, having my clitoris touched. I must be relaxed and free of stress._

_I like to be on my knees or to have my legs bent and my body at ninety degrees to my legs._

_I can orgasm standing, sitting, lying on my side, or on my back or my front, but I nearly always want my legs closed together._

_I must have my legs stretched out to come._

_My orgasms are intensified when I am physically restrained or imagining that I am._

Although many women said that they need a slow and powerful lead-in to a climax, good orgasms don't necessarily arise from a stunning buildup.

_My partner and I generally have very good orgasms but pretty pedestrian sex. We do the same things most of the time—cuddling, kissing, and playing first, followed by penetration with him on top, then turning on our sides with him rubbing his penis against my clitoris until I reach climax. Then we move back to the man-ontop position that he likes best until he reaches climax. I sometimes have a second orgasm then. We don't vary this routine too much because it works well. Whenever we try a different technique it usually turns out to be less satisfactory._

Many women report that they cannot come without using either their own hand or a vibrator, and this often causes them angst when they are with a lover, even though it's not at all unusual.

_I need clitoral stimulation from my fingers and/or a vibrator "driven" by me, plus vaginal intercourse._

Thanks to the variations in female anatomy, there are some women who get as much stimulation as they want from their lover's body rubbing on the clitoris while his penis is inside her.

_I am most likely to come from intercourse with a man; clitoral stimulation is pretty dicey and usually not that much fun for me when someone else is doing it._

But, in general, the best position for a woman during intercourse is when she is on top, allowing her to situate herself so that she gets exactly the right amount of pressure on her clitoris, and giving her control of the angle and speed of stimulation.

_I found that the only way I've ever orgasmed is if I'm on top of my partner with him penetrating my vagina._

_I'm more likely to come during intercourse if I'm on top, as if that position is physiologically more conducive to orgasms._

When a woman is on top she may also touch her own clitoris quite easily. And the same goes for lying side-by-side.

Many women do not come from vaginal stimulation alone. Clitoral stimulation certainly sweeps the board as the primary method of coming, whether it's done by the woman herself or by her lover, whether it's before, during, or after penetration.

_I have clitoral orgasms from consistent stimulation, oral or manual, to the area around the clitoris. It must be lubricated, and preferably some variation in pace and type of stimulation with more rapid stimulation as orgasm becomes imminent._

_I want a rapid back-and-forth stimulation (manual or oral) of my clitoris, starting slowly, with increasing speed and pressure. Actually, as I consider it, not so directly on the clitoris but sort of at the top of the clitoral shaft._

_I like my clitoris stroked gently when I am well on my way to orgasm._

_I have big orgasms, usually from oral sex, that are very intense, last longer, and involve a full body shudder._

_I usually come from receiving oral sex, combined with anal or vaginal stimulation._

#  **One Is Not Always Enough**

Just because a woman orgasms once doesn't necessarily mean she is done.

_I like penetration for a good long time if I'm in the mood, but my lover tends to want to join in with her orgasm after a while, so even though I experience orgasm I often feel it could be taken a lot further._

_Clitoral stimulation can lead to orgasm without ejaculation. Then sometimes further stimulation leads to ejaculation and total release._

_I do relish the caring and persistent and clever lover whose activities produce successive orgasmic waves._

#  **Emotional Erogenous Zones**

Being in love and feeling attracted to our partners are often considered important elements of orgasm. And sometimes our feelings for a partner can preclude the need to come.

_I usually expect to experience orgasm when I'm with someone, but I'm not attached because I can bring myself to orgasm later if needed. It's the connection that's more important._

_Lots of things bring me to orgasm, but my most pleasurable and intense orgasmic experiences happen when I feel emotionally close and connected with my lover: when everything is rowing harmoniously between us, allowing us to open up to deeper and more sensual physical pleasure, including orgasm._

_If I'm feeling good and am very attracted to my partner, then I have intense multiple orgasms._

_It helps if I trust my partner and am not withholding emotions like anger._

_I come most easily when I'm in love._

Some women made it clear that they don't have to know their partners well, or that sex is even hotter when the partner is new.

_The sex is usually better if I'm in love and lust with the woman, but I have had big orgasms with women in the past who I didn't fancy but who really touched the right points in me._

_Deep love and trust mean I'm more likely to experience intense orgasms, as does that kind of wild sexual chemistry I experience with some women, whether I've just met them or known them a long time._

Several women said that the experience of the lover, and his or her ability to communicate, counts for a lot.

_I am most likely to orgasm when my partner is an experienced lovemaker who knows a woman's body and listens to what I tell him, not someone who simply assumes that he knows what will please me because it is what pleased other women._

_I like to be teased._

_Words help too, to be told I'm gorgeous, that various parts of me are beautiful._

_I orgasm when I surrender to the experience._

A number of women stressed the importance of being relaxed and comfortable.

_When I'm relaxed and don't have a lot on my mind, I can definitely come more easily._

Some women need complete privacy and assurance that they won't be disturbed.

_I need to be assured that no one besides my partner can hear me or know I'm being sexual._

Many women have told me that what never fails to excite them is feeling and seeing their partner's excitement.

_In order for me to orgasm, I need to know my partner is excited._

Laughter is an ingredient that makes everything taste better.

_I find humor to be a part of the turn-on. Much more memorable and erotic than just good technique._

Some women need to be allowed or need to allow themselves to fantasize.

_I need some level of power play between my partner and myself._

_I orgasm most easily if I allow myself to fantasize about being "overtaken" by animals._

#  **Tuning In**

For many of us, what's happening on a psychic and emotional level is very important. This is really what foreplay means to some women: taking the time to experience and build the energy on all levels, not just the physical.

_It may be that sex is not so much a body thing for me, so what someone does to me is not necessarily very important as long as their intentions are good._

_Sex for me is about union and connection and power exchange._

_Sex is not merely genital, but energetic; the whole person is involved, not just a bundle of nerve endings._

_I find the pacing, the arousal in tandem with my lover, the gestures, and courtship (from romantic to dirty) to be essential. Lots and lots and lots of foreplay, all day, all week, words, gestures, one finger touching one place._

Being tuned in to your lover is vital. I have only had one lover who could reliably make me come with her hand. When I asked her what her secret was, she said, "Somehow I plug into your experience so that I experience what I am doing to you as though I were you."

And being tuned in to your own body is just as important. Anna Marti says:

 _For me the challenge is to daily inhabit my body in ways that I become totally engaged, whether working, eating, loving, or playing, because the erotic experience truly is about every cell in my body becoming involved, directing my mind and my heart so that my body may become involved; the sexual, creative, ecstatic cells are not solely located in the genitals._

If you manage all this, maybe you will have orgasms like these:

 _Quite often during clitoral stimulation it will feel as if my partner has just found a particular spot that pierces up through me, which then sets off waves rolling down on me (I don't know what the waves are—sort of like warm internal strokes). An intense orgasm will combine these physical waves with waves of emotion, and very occasionally these will be strong enough to make me cry. When the clitoral situation is combined with penetration, the orgasm is more about a sense of completion and wholeness._

_I can lose myself completely in a powerful orgasm. It's like being ripped out from inside. It's like planets colliding. Yes, the earth moves, but not before the Milky Way dissolves._