Input:
 Write a section for the chapter on penetration and triggers, including the following:

* Explain that penetration can be triggering for many survivors of sexual abuse, especially if they were vaginally or anally penetrated during the abuse.
* Discuss the physical causes of pain during penetration, such as tension and trauma held in the pelvic region, infections, or other medical problems.
* Recommend that survivors with vaginal or anal pain during penetration go to a skilled medical practitioner to get it checked out.
* Mention that some survivors may have received sexually transmitted diseases from the sexual abuse or unsafe sexual practices.
* Discuss the emotional and psychological effects of trauma caused by sexual abuse that included penetration, such as tension, pain, numbness, and the storage of painful memories in the pelvic area.
* Provide a personal anecdote from a survivor about how their sensations changed as they healed.
* Emphasize the importance of taking it slowly and paying attention to what comes up throughout the pelvic area when working with triggers related to penetration.
* Offer suggestions for controlling the depth and speed of penetration during sex, such as communicating with your partner, staying on top, and checking in visually with your partner.
* Discuss the benefits of keeping your eyes open during penetration, such as staying in the present and not slipping back into the past.
* Recommend exploring different positions during sex to find what works best for you.
* Emphasize that penetration need not be a trigger forever and that survivors can work with the trigger using the resources and exercises in the book.
* Mention that the next chapter will guide survivors through ways to heal through their triggers.

Response:
#  Penetration and Triggers

Penetration can be triggering for many survivors. If you were vaginally or anally penetrated during the abuse, you may find it painful or upsetting to have vaginal or anal sex now.

For some survivors, penetration can be painful, because tension and trauma are held in the pelvic region, or because of an infection or other medical problem. If you have vaginal or anal pain during penetration, go to a skilled medical practitioner to get it checked out. Some survivors have gotten sexually transmitted diseases from the sexual abuse or unsafe sexual practices. Vaginismus, fibroid tumors, and vaginal infections can cause pain during penetration. Some survivors will have scarring within the vagina from severe abuse.

Trauma caused by sexual abuse that included penetration can be held throughout the pelvic area as tension, pain, and/or numbness. As you work with this area of your body, releasing the pain, memories, and trauma, your sensations may change. Many survivors have this experience.

> > The feelings in my hips and genitals changed as I healed. I used to feel pain and tension when I had sex, or I wouldn't feel much at all, as if I didn't have any nerve endings in that part of my body. As I have thawed that part of me, lots of feelings of pain, fear, and anger have come out. It's as if they were stored in there under some sheath of ice until I could feel them.
>
> Jenifer

When working with triggers related to penetration, take it slowly. Pay attention to what comes up throughout your pelvic area. This can be one of the most loaded areas of the body for survivors and one of the most potent for healing.

You may find it useful to control the depth and speed of the penetration during sex. Communicate with your partner throughout the sexual experience, telling him or her when to slow down, when to speed up, and how deeply to enter you. It is usually easier to control the depth and speed of penetration if you are on top. Some folks find it embarrassing to talk all the way through a sexual encounter, yet it can greatly add to your pleasure and sense of connection.

Check in visually with your partner as well. What is it like to look at your partner during penetration? Keeping your eyes open may also help you stay in the present and not slip back into the past. Notice your partner and your surroundings, breathe, and feel your sensations and body. You can remain connected to yourself this way, which will keep you resourceful and able to choose how to respond to a trigger.

Changing positions can also be useful when you feel triggered during penetration. For some, lying on their stomach while being penetrated from behind is triggering, while being on top is not. You can also try facing each other, lying side by side, or the spoons position. You can both sit up, legs wrapped around each other, for another variation. Exploring is the name of the game. What positions helps you stay in your body? In which positions do you feel the most resourceful and empowered?

Penetration need not be a trigger forever. If you want a particular sexual option, you can work with the trigger using the resources and exercises in this book. The choice is yours as to what sexual options you want to have. The next chapter will guide you through ways to heal through your triggers.


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter on sex guide exercises, including the following:

* Ask the reader how they feel after reading the chapter on penetration and triggers.
* Encourage the reader to notice any changes in their thinking, emotions, and sensations.
* Provide an exercise for the reader to reflect on their likes and dislikes about penetration, specifically vaginal penetration, anal penetration, and penetration with sex toys, fingers, and hands.
* Suggest that the reader discuss their likes and dislikes with someone else.
* Invite the reader to reflect on what they discovered about themselves in reading the chapter.

Note: The above tasks are written in a prompt format, assuming that the story is a nonfiction book meant to guide survivors of sexual abuse. These prompts would generate the given section by providing specific instructions and questions to the reader to reflect on their experiences and feelings.

Response:
#  Sex Guide Exercises

> 1\. How do you feel after reading this chapter? What do you notice in your thinking, emotions, and sensations?

> 2\. What do like most and least about penetration? Specifically, what do you like and dislike about vaginal penetration? Anal penetration? Penetration with sex toys? Fingers and hands? Talk with someone else about what you like and dislike.

> 3\. What did you discover about yourself in reading this chapter?


Input:
 Write a new chapter for the book, titled "Embracing Triggers". In this chapter:

* Introduce a quote from Stephanie about avoiding triggers limiting one's sex life.
* Address the frustration that many survivors feel when it comes to triggers.
* Acknowledge that some survivors may be so triggered sexually that they do not want to be sexual at all.
* Address the common desire of survivors to get rid of triggers altogether.
* Introduce an alternative approach to triggers, suggesting that they are not to be avoided, but rather explored, felt, and healed.
* Explain that triggers can be flags signaling that something needs healing and attention.
* Reassure the reader that triggers are healable and not permanent.
* State that the intent of the work is to heal the reader's sexuality to the extent that they can make their own choices about sex based on their own needs and desires, not those dictated by childhood sexual abuse.
* Explain how to achieve this healing through triggers.

Response:
chapter eleven

Embracing Triggers

> If you arrange your sex life to avoid triggers, you'll end up with no room left for your sex life.

Stephanie

Many survivors feel understandably frustrated when it comes to triggers. You may be in a stage of sexual recovery in which you are dealing with them all the time. You may be so triggered sexually that you do not want to be sexual at all. Most survivors just want to get rid of triggers altogether.

In this chapter, I want to introduce a different approach. What if triggers were not to be avoided but rather explored, felt, and healed? What if triggers were flags waving as if to say, "Hey, over here, there is something needing healing and attention"? Triggers are healable. You need not assume that because oral sex triggers you now, it always will. Once you have released the trauma from the area of your body where the trigger is stored and processed the experience emotionally, the trigger will fade.

The intent in this work is to heal your sexuality to such an extent that you can fully make your own choices about sex. You get to choose your sexual expression based upon your own needs and desires, not those limits and traumas induced by childhood sexual abuse. This chapter tells you how to achieve this healing through your triggers.


Input:
 Write a new section for the chapter "Embracing Triggers", titled "What Is a Trigger?". In this section:

* Define triggers as automatic responses connected to past sexual abuse that can suddenly rush into the present.
* Explain that certain acts, smells, words, or even a tone of voice can act as triggers that bring up images and feelings from the past.
* Include a quote from Carla about her triggers being mostly connected to people and being close.
* Discuss how triggers can evoke images or memories of the abuse, emotions, or feelings in the body.
* Provide examples of triggers leading to an automatic fear of physical or sexual touch and feelings of being overwhelmed.
* Include a quote from Kathy about feeling nauseated when her girlfriend tries to touch her.
* Explain that triggers can also be sudden moods that seem to take over, such as feeling angry or grief-stricken.
* Include a quote from Rona about feeling agitated and annoyed during sexual encounters.
* Describe how certain sexual acts, smells, sounds, and colors may act as triggers for survivors.
* Provide examples of specific triggers, such as oral sex or orgasm.
* Include quotes from Tracy and Roslyn about their experiences with triggers related to sexual acts and orgasm.
* Explain that triggers are history seeping through into the present and that they act like cracks in present-day reality that open to unresolved trauma from the past.

Response:
#  What Is a Trigger?

Triggers are automatic responses connected to your past sexual abuse that can suddenly rush into the present. Certain acts, smells, words—perhaps even a tone of voice—can act as triggers that bring up images and feelings from the past. When you are in the middle of being triggered, it may be difficult to distinguish between the past and the present.

> > I've never been one of those survivors who got triggered in the grocery store. My
>  triggers are mostly connected to people and being close. Sex especially triggers
>  me. Many times when having sex, images of my father will come rushing in and
>  I can no longer tell the difference between him and my lover. I get terrified and
>  shut down, then just try to hurry up and get sex over with. It's awful.
>
>
> Carla

Triggers seem to arise unexpectedly. They can evoke images or memories of the abuse, emotions, or feelings in your body. Many survivors report being overwhelmed by a sense of not wanting their partner to touch them, or pulling away from physical or sexual touch out of an automatic fear that they will be hurt or betrayed.

> > Sometimes my girlfriend reaches to touch me and I want to push her away. I don't want her near me and I feel nauseated.
>
> Kathy

Triggers can also be sudden moods that seem to take over. You may be enjoying flirting or talking sexy with your partner and suddenly find yourself angry and annoyed, or grief-stricken. These are typical experiences for survivors.

> > I get so angry, I feel sorry for my husband. We'll be acting playful, flirting, and beginning to be sexual, and I will turn on him. I kind of flip inside. Suddenly I am agitated and annoyed. Everything he does grates on me.
>
> Rona

Just being confronted with certain sexual acts, smells, sounds, and colors may act as triggers for survivors. Even enjoying certain sexual acts or orgasm may serve as a trigger point.

> > Oral sex…I just can't do it yet. I try, but I start to gag and I feel like I'm that little girl again with my uncle shoving himself down my throat.
>
> Tracy
>
>> I used to cry every time I had an orgasm. I didn't understand it until I remembered the incest. The tears are a mix of relief and guilt and shame. It really stirs up the part of the abuse that physically felt good and all the shame of thinking it was my fault.
>
> Roslyn

Triggers are history seeping through into the present, pieces of memory emerging from the past. While the pain, anger, or confusion can seem to be a response to something that is happening today, it is really a fragment of visual, emotional, or body memory making its way to the surface. Triggers act like cracks in present-day reality that open to unresolved trauma from the past.


Input:
  Write a new section for the chapter "Embracing Triggers", titled "Map to Recovery". In this section:

* Explain that the same or similar triggers often recur until the associated memory or trauma is processed and released.
* Discuss how triggers act as flags that alert survivors to aspects of healing that need to be addressed.
* Emphasize that triggers can serve as a map to recovery and sexual healing.
* Provide a quote from Kay about how she identified and dealt with a specific trigger.
* Encourage readers to discover their triggers by reflecting on sights, smells, places, sexual positions, or sounds that can trigger them.
* Explain the importance of identifying triggers in the sexual healing process.
* Suggest exploring patterns in triggers, similar to tracking patterns of dissociation.
* Provide examples of specific triggers, such as intensity during sex or liking certain "unacceptable" turn-ons.
* Include a quote from Jeanie about her trigger related to sexual intensity.
* Encourage readers to note how their body changes when they are triggered, including any sensations, moods, and emotions they experience.
* Provide examples of recurring images, sounds, memories, emotions, or body sensations that emerge when triggered.
* Include quotes from Lourdes and Mimi about their experiences with triggers related to not having sex and saying "no".

Response:
#  Map to Recovery

The same or similar triggers often recur until that piece of memory or trauma is processed and released. In this way, triggers act as flags to alert you to aspects of healing that need to be addressed. Triggers can serve as a map to your recovery and sexual healing. By attending to and healing through your triggers, you can unpack the baggage of sexual abuse from your sexuality.

> > I always used to get triggered by my girlfriend kissing me in a certain way; it made me want to push her away or totally dissociate. I then had the memory of my brother kissing me that same way when he abused me. I cried and got angry and dealt with that memory, and that trigger is put to rest.
>
> Kay

So, what triggers you? What sights, smells, places, sexual positions, or sounds can trigger you? What ways of being sexual make you want to run, dissociate, freeze, or get angry or sad? How about sex and intimacy combined? What happens for you then? Discovering your triggers is like finding important clues on a treasure hunt. This information is vital in the sexual healing process.

Just as you tracked patterns of dissociation in chapter 3, you can track patterns in your triggers. What triggers you sexually? Your own intensity? That you like anal sex, S/M, or other "unacceptable" turn-ons?

> > I've found that one of my biggest triggers is how intense I can get sexually. I want to fuck, and bite, and grab. It is all consensual, we are adults, and I still get triggered into this feeling of shame.
>
> Jeanie

Note how your body changes when you are triggered. What sensations do you notice? What happens in your body? Do you stop breathing, hold your jaws tight, tighten your genitals or sphincter muscle? How do your moods and emotions shift?

What recurring images, sounds, memories, emotions, or body sensations emerge when you are triggered? Explore your triggers; there is a world of information to gain.

> > Not having sex triggers me. I start to get all weird, like I am unworthy, unloved. I feel like I need to go find a trick or one-night stand to prove myself again.
>
> Lourdes
>
>> Saying "no" is an unbelievable trigger for me. I either can't say it at all, or I start shaking and muttering…I feel like I am five again. My "no" has been incested out of me.
>
> Mimi


Input:
 Write a new section for the chapter "Embracing Triggers", titled "Embracing Triggers: This Way Out". In this section:

* Explain that embracing triggers may seem counterintuitive, but emphasize its effectiveness in dealing with them.
* Encourage readers to move toward and into their triggers instead of avoiding them, as they can provide opportunities to process the material and release the trigger.
* Emphasize that triggers act as signposts to what is in need of healing and guide survivors on the road to freedom.
* Include a subsection called "Tracking Triggers" with examples of various triggers related to sights, sounds, smells, positions, places, and body sensations.
* Include examples of recurring visuals, smells, sounds, emotions, and body memories associated with triggers.
* Discuss how many survivors hate triggers and try to avoid them, which can lead to organizing their lives to avoid uncomfortable feelings.
* Provide quotes from Mimi and Maria about how they avoided sex due to triggers.
* Explain that avoiding triggers can make them seem bigger and more powerful, while leaving all the landmines of sexual abuse in place.
* Encourage readers to take on, feel, and process triggers, so they can shrink or transform into completed parts of their history.
* Provide quotes from Lee, Melanie, Stephanie, and Halli about their experiences with embracing and processing triggers.

Response:
#  Embracing Triggers: This Way Out

The idea of embracing your triggers may seem counterintuitive at first. You may feel uncomfortable and unsettled with this way of dealing with triggers, yet I have seen its effectiveness time and time again. Instead of avoiding and moving away from triggers, you can begin to move toward and into them. When you get triggered you can say, "Hey, good news, I am triggered. Now I can free up more of me!" When you move yourself toward and into a trigger, you have the opportunity to then process the material and move through it. In doing this you can release the trigger from your body, emotions, and mind and be complete with it. Triggers act as signposts to what is in need of healing. They guide you on the road to freedom.

> Tracking Triggers
>
>> a. I get triggered when (sights, sounds, smells, positions, places)…
>>
>> I really let go and get into sex. If I like or love sex, then I must have wanted the abuse.
>>
>> My husband comes at me from behind.
>>
>> I am awoken in the middle of the night to have sex. I can't tell where I am or who my boyfriend is.
>>
>> The inside of my right thigh is stroked repeatedly. I want to kick.
>>
>> My legs or arms are held down.
>>
>> My nipples are touched softly. This unnerves me; I need a firmer touch.
>>
>> I see men who look like my uncle.
>
>> b. What happens in my body is (sensations)…
>>
>> I get extremely tense between my shoulder blades.
>>
>> My breathing gets really shallow.
>>
>> My feet and the lower part of my body seem far away, not quite a part of me anymore.
>>
>> My genitals and anus tense up.
>>
>> I float out of my body.
>>
>> My throat gets tight and I feel like I can't speak.
>
>> c. Recurring visuals, smells, sounds, emotions and body memories are…
>>
>> This picture of my dad entering my bedroom and coming toward me.
>>
>> A picture of my grandpa with a hard-on.
>>
>> Being penetrated from behind; this grips my body and senses.
>>
>> The smell of his deodorant.
>>
>> The smell of alcohol on his breath.
>>
>> Having weight on top of me, which makes me feel panicked and trapped.
>>
>> The sound of their voices; I don't know where to run.

Most of us hate triggers and getting triggered. They can be painful, annoying, and devastating, and they interrupt otherwise good experiences. Because of this, many survivors try to avoid triggers as much as possible. They try to organize their lives, and especially their sex lives, to avoid the uncomfortable and often painful feelings that being triggered can bring up. Eventually, people can a build a narrow life entirely motivated by avoiding triggers.

> > Sex triggered me so much that I eventually avoided it altogether. I tried to become asexual and rid myself of all notions of being erotic. This has cost me a lot of joy in my life.
>
> Mimi
>
>> You know, in taking on recovering from all this stuff, I realized that I had not touched myself in years. This is so sad when I think about it now. They scared me away from my own body.
>
> Maria

Triggers are funny creatures. When they are avoided, they seem to become bigger or more powerful, while the space for you becomes smaller. Avoiding triggers also leaves all of the land mines of sexual abuse in place, so the terrain of your life continues to feel dangerous and untrustworthy. When triggers are taken on, felt, and processed, they shrink or transform altogether. What was once a trigger becomes a completed part of your history. You may notice it periodically, but it no longer runs you.

> > I didn't think I would ever make it to the place where I could enjoy sex and not be triggered. It is amazing to me that I have arrived. I still deal with a trigger periodically, but mostly I am present and enjoying myself. It is great!
>
> Lee

By trying to ignore triggers, you are saying that the trigger is more powerful than you are. This, of course, is not the case. You are more powerful than what happened to you. It may not feel like it sometimes, but I can assure you this is the case. You are more powerful than what happened to you or you would not have made it.

> > The first time I decided to stay with a trigger to try to process it, I was terrified.
>  I thought it was insane to keep myself there. It was painful, and I cried and
>  remembered new stuff. I hated it, and I got through it. That trigger and those
>  memories were never as scary again.
>
>
> Melanie
>
>> My body would shake whenever I tried to hang with the touch that triggered me the most. But I learned to breathe and just let myself shake. It felt like all the terror and fear of the abuse, all the tears could now pour out of me in a way that they couldn't before. I feel very thankful and compassionate with myself now.
>
> Stephanie
>
>> Since I really started taking on my triggers and treating them like messengers of important information, I have been changing. I can masturbate and not check out or have a guilt attack now. No, even more than that, I can masturbate, feel sexy, and enjoy myself.
>
> Halli


Input:
 Write a new section for the chapter "Trigger Plan and Tools", which includes the following:

* Encourage readers to check their network of support and emphasize the importance of having people to talk to, cry with, and explore ideas with during the healing process.
* Suggest readers review the simple steps provided for handling triggers in a nonsexual situation before using them during sexual encounters.
* Introduce the "Trigger Plan" and its easy format for preparing oneself.
* Describe the first step, "NOTICE", which involves noticing when one is triggered, checking the source of uneasiness, and determining if the partner is an ally or an enemy.
* Describe the second step, "STOP AND BREATHE", which involves stopping, pausing, and breathing while assessing the situation, feelings, and needs.
* Describe the third step, "CHOOSE", which involves making choices on how to handle the trigger, considering what is best for the ongoing healing process, and trying new risks.
* Describe the fourth step, "ENGAGE", which involves continuing to be present with oneself and one's partner, communicating the choice made, and engaging in the experience while staying connected to oneself, one's body, and one's partner.
* Mention that if the first choice doesn't work, it's okay to change the mind and make a different choice.
* Describe the final step, "RETURN", which involves going back to the beginning and starting the process again as necessary.

Response:
#  Trigger Plan and Tools

So, just how do you handle triggers? What do you do in the midst of being sexual when you are no longer with the living? How can you use your triggers to heal yourself? Before we begin, I suggest that you check out your network of support. Having people you can talk to, cry with, and explore these ideas with is essential to the healing process. If you haven't begun to gather a support network, please do so now. You can find advice on this in chapter 1.

The following are simple steps to take when you are triggered in a sexual situation. These tools can be used in both partner sex and masturbation. I suggest that you review these steps first in a nonsexual situation. Give them a test run. Talk them through with a friend, partner, or counselor, or write about them in your journal. Practicing these steps outside of a sexual encounter will make them much easier to use while being sexual. It is hard to try a new approach when you are feeling triggered in the middle of sex. By practicing these tools first, you will have resources at hand to help you through.

These steps are encapsulated in the Trigger Plan later in this chapter. This is an easy format to use in preparing yourself.

NOTICE.

Begin by noticing when you are triggered. This can be the biggest step. What is triggering you? What sensations are you feeling in your body? Are you breathing? Often we blame our partners for the discomfort, irritation, or dislike that emerges with a trigger. Thoroughly check out the source of your uneasiness with your partner when it comes up. Are you triggered? How can your partner be an ally to you now, instead of an enemy? As with dissociation, your partner can help you notice when you are triggered.

STOP AND BREATHE.

Stop, pause, and breathe. Assess the situation. What are you feeling? What's going on? What do you need? It is fine to take a break in the middle of sex. Stopping and addressing the trigger will ultimately make your sexual experience more satisfying, safe, and healing. Refer to your internal sensations of safety or your emotional resource (see chapter 1).

CHOOSE.

Now is your opportunity. Once you have noticed your trigger and paused, there are numerous options for handling it. You'll find some options listed below, under Many Choices. Please add to the list those particular things that work for you. When making a choice as how to handle a trigger, check in with what you need right now and what will be best for your ongoing healing process. If in the past you have tended to choose to stop being sexual, try something different instead. Take a break and then re-engage sexually. Or change what you are doing but remain in physical contact with yourself or your partner. If you have consistently tried to push through triggers, now try stopping. Attend to the child in you. Or move toward the trigger to work with it. Taking new risks is important. It expands your options and lets you learn to do what was previously not possible.

ENGAGE.

Continue to be present with yourself and your sex partner. Communicate your choice and talk it over with her or him. Then, engage. Keep bringing yourself to the experience, whether you have chosen to go into the trigger, to continue being sexual, or to get up and go on a walk. Stay connected to yourself, your body, and your partner as much as possible. This is a process of retraining your body. You can be in contact with yourself and another even if you are triggered. You don't have to go away or disappear. You can stay in your body and at choice. If your first choice doesn't work for you, feel free to change your mind and make a different choice.

RETURN.

Go back to the beginning and start again as necessary.


Input:
 Write a new section for the chapter "Many Choices", which includes the following:

* Emphasize the importance of having a variety of options to handle triggers and not sticking to one approach always.
* Mention that there are no hard-and-fast rules about what to do when triggered; it depends on the individual and the situation.
* Encourage the reader to watch for patterns in their response to triggers and try different approaches.
* Provide a list of options, which includes:
	1. GO INTO THE TRIGGER: This involves focusing on the visual, auditory, or bodily sensations triggered, while continuing the activity that triggered the response. The goal is to move into, feel, remember, release, and complete the stored memory or trauma. This may involve expressing emotions physically and sharing what is happening with a partner.
	2. WATCH FROM A DISTANCE: This involves watching the trigger from a distance while remaining rooted in the present. This can be useful with a trigger that has already been processed or one that the person is working on but doesn't want to process fully right now. This can be achieved by noticing objects in the room, colors on the walls, sounds in the environment, and feeling the body.
	3. MOVE: This involves getting up and moving, stretching, breathing, and relaxing the body. Making sounds or shaking the body can also help "shake off" the trigger.
	4. TAKE CARE OF THE CHILD: This involves approaching the trigger as if it were a small child who is afraid and upset, taking care of the inner child by comforting, rocking, or explaining that sex is for grown-ups, not for kids.
	5. LET'S MAKE A DEAL: This involves negotiating with the triggered part of oneself, asking what it needs and how to provide it, and setting a specific date and time to attend to it.
	6. CHANGE SEXUAL ACTIVITIES: This involves changing positions, sexual activities, turning on the light, or adjusting the environment to shift a trigger.
	7. GO TO THE MOVIES: This involves choosing a different activity that is still sensual or erotic, such as massage with no genital contact, feeding each other foods, or bathing together. Alternatively, taking a break from sex altogether and engaging in a non-sexual activity, such as taking a walk, listening to music, drawing, or going to the movies.
	8. RETURN TO THE PRESENT: This involves pausing and breathing, orienting oneself to the present by noticing objects, sounds, smells, temperatures, and sensations, reminding oneself of where one is, whom one is with, and that what one is doing is consensual.
	9. CHANGE THE STORY: This involves acknowledging, feeling, and gaining information from triggers and then changing the story by imagining a different outcome.
	10. SAY "NO" TO REPEATING TRIGGERS: This involves telling repeating triggers that they are no longer welcome and setting internal boundaries.

Ask the reader to come up with other ways to handle their triggers and emphasize that practicing these tools will help them become more skilled at handling triggers and the process will go more quickly. Mention that these tools can be used while masturbating or when having sex with a partner.

Response:
##  Many Choices

Building a whole repertoire of choices gives you numerous avenues you can take when triggered. A generous array of options also allows you to choose different approaches at different times. You may be best supported in your healing process by stopping sex altogether in one encounter, and best served by continuing in another. There are no hard-and-fast rules about what to do when you are triggered. Watch for patterns in your response to triggers. If you always do the same thing, such as stopping sex or trying to go around the trigger, try other approaches. Building options and choices is bringing back into sex what was taken away by sexual abuse.

A number of options follow. This is a limited list; please add to it other options that work for you.

GO INTO THE TRIGGER

You can choose to go into the trigger by keeping your focus and attention on the visual, auditory, or bodily sensations that have been triggered. Keep breathing and stay open to feeling your emotions and the sensations in your body. You can continue to do the thing that initially triggered you, to help take you further into it. Go there gently. The intention behind this choice is to move into, feel, remember, release, and complete the stored memory or trauma. You may move into grieving, anger, fear, or some other emotion connected to the abuse. Let those feelings emerge and be released. When going into a trigger, physically expressing the emotions it brings up is a powerful tool and can move you through it more quickly.

If you are with your partner, share with her or him what is happening and how you are feeling. Let your emotions and body release. If you are shaking, crying, or laughing, do it fully. If you need to express anger, yell into a pillow, hit the bed, or twist a towel as hard as you can. (For more information on safe ways to express traumatic emotions, see chapter 12).

If you are experiencing a memory of abuse, tell your partner as much as you can about it. When you are able to make eye contact with your partner, do so. Connect with his or her support in the present.

The only rule during the expressing of intense emotions is not to hurt yourself or anyone else. Do not break or ruin any object that is important to you or anyone else. I find that while most survivors are afraid that they might hurt someone or get out of control if they express the pain, they actually tend to err on the side of holding in their emotions. For most survivors, having feelings, especially those related to the abuse, was dangerous as a child. But now you have the opportunity to feel and express what you could not before. Grief, rage, terror, and confusion are all completely appropriate responses to sexual abuse.

If you choose to move into the trigger and you are with a partner, first make sure that both of you are ready and willing to go there. This can be an intense experience for your partner as well. During the preparation of your trigger plan, or as you choose to go into the trigger, tell your partner what you need. Do you need to be held? Do you need your partner to back off while you get angry? Communicate your needs as much as possible to help you both move through the experience as smoothly as possible.

If you are alone and decide to go into a trigger, make contact with someone else afterward by phone or a visit. Tell someone what you went through. Share how you are. Reconnect with another human being. This step is essential to take you out of isolation and rebuild connection and relationship with others.

Once you have released the emotion, look inside to reestablish a sense of well-being. As discussed in chapter 1, you can build a sense of internal safety through somatic practice. You'll learn more about creating internal resources in chapter 12. For now, consciously notice that though you are feeling pain, you are okay. Nothing bad has happened. You are healing.

WATCH FROM A DISTANCE

Another approach to being with a trigger is to watch it from a distance, while remaining rooted in the present. This can be useful with a trigger you have already processed or a trigger you are working on but don't want to process fully right now. Noticing objects in the room, colors on the walls, sounds in the environment will help you remain rooted in the present. Note these out loud if you need to. Feel your body—your weight on the bed or your form filling the chair. Remind yourself of the year and the current date, and that you are here in the present. Breathe. From the present, attend to the trigger or memory. Acknowledge it by speaking about it out loud or writing it down. This approach acknowledges the trigger without moving into it fully. You may want to work with this trigger at another time in a nonsexual setting.

MOVE

A great way to work with being triggered is to get up and move. Walk around, stretch, breathe, and relax your body. You can also make sounds or shake your body to "shake off" the trigger. Moving can have the effect of bringing you to a present and settled place in which you can return to being sexual.

TAKE CARE OF THE CHILD

You can approach a trigger as if it were a small child who is afraid and upset. Treat the trigger as you would a real child who interrupted you while you were having sex. Stop being sexual for the moment and attend to the little girl or inner child. What does she need? Pick her up and comfort her; sit down and rock her. You can use a doll or stuffed animal to represent her, if that will make it easier. Explain to her that sex is for grown-ups, not for kids. Once you have taken care of her, put her back to bed. You can then return to sex if you so chose.

LET'S MAKE A DEAL

Engaging in internal negotiations with triggers is another approach. You can "talk to" triggers as if they were parts of you that could communicate. You can ask the triggered part of yourself what it needs and how you might provide that. You will often find that the trigger is a cry for love and attention. You can negotiate to take care of that triggered part of yourself at a later date. If that seems agreeable, make a specific date and time when you will check in with yourself again and attend to the trigger. Keep your commitment.

CHANGE SEXUAL ACTIVITIES

Changing positions or sexual activities, turning on the light, or adjusting your environment can shift a trigger for you. If you are uncomfortable or feel uneasy with what you are doing, communicate this to your partner and adjust accordingly. This can add to your sexual play and does not need to be a distraction that ends the encounter.

There are innumerable sexual activities to choose from. If what you are doing is triggering, change activities. If the weight of your partner on top of you triggers you, get on top yourself. Try sitting up or lying side by side. If your partner is sucking on your breasts in a way that triggers you, ask her to kiss your stomach instead. Or turn over onto your stomach and have him lie on your back. Here's an opportunity to get creative. Satisfying sex rarely follows the first-through-fourth-base model of lovemaking.

If you are having a hard time staying present with your partner, open your eyes and look at him or her. Try changing rooms if need be, or bring objects into the space that remind you of your safety and empowerment.

GO TO THE MOVIES

You can also choose to change activities altogether. You can choose something that is still sensual or erotic, such as massage with no genital contact, feeding each other foods you like, or bathing together. Or, you can take a break from sex altogether. Take a walk, listen to music, draw, go to the movies, pet your dog—whatever you like. Whatever your choice, practice being embodied and present with yourself and your partner.

RETURN TO THE PRESENT

Pause and breathe. Orient yourself to the present by noticing objects, sounds, smells, temperatures, and sensations. Remind yourself where you are, whom you are with, and that what you are doing is consensual. Remind yourself that right now you are powerful and at choice. Review the reasons you like to be sexual and how expressing yourself sexually benefits you. Return to the present and continue to be sexual.

CHANGE THE STORY

Once you have worked with acknowledging, feeling, and gaining information from your triggers, you can work with changing the story. If a visual memory or body memory arises, you can intercede and imagine a different outcome.

Let's say the body memory of being trapped or held down is triggered. You can stop, breathe, and then imagine pushing off of you the person who is holding you down. Then imagine running for help. Your current adult self can swoop in, pick up the abuser, and throw him across the room, while whisking your frightened child self away to safety. You can imagine that an ally comes in and stops the abuse, telling you that this will never happen again.

This is an opportunity to get creative. You can rewrite the story in any way you choose. Now, as an adult, you are able to respond to the trigger, take control of the situation, and take back your power and innocence. Make sure the ending of your story includes getting you (and your little girl) to a safe place where there is support.

SAY "NO" TO REPEATING TRIGGERS

What if the trigger persists after you've processed it emotionally? Some triggers seem to return out of habit more than anything else. If a recurring image or trigger appears, you can tell it, "No, you are no longer welcome here. Do not come back." You can decide now who is allowed in your inner space and what is going to happen there. This is a process of setting internal boundaries, which you are now in control of. Turn away the image or trigger each time it appears, until it doesn't return again.

> > I had this repeating image of my father that would come to me when I got really turned on. His face would appear and somehow want to be a part of the turn-on. I finally just yelled at him. I told him to get out, and that he was not allowed here anymore. I sent the image out into space, making it smaller and smaller until it disappeared. I did this every time that his face appeared, until it didn't happen anymore. It was great, like taking back my own space.
>
> Anne

YOUR CREATIONS

Take a moment now to come up with other ways that you can heal through and work with your triggers. As you practice using these tools, you will get more skilled at handling your triggers, and the process will go more quickly. You can use these tools while masturbating or when having sex with a partner.

> Trigger Plan
>
> Developing a trigger plan is like preparing for a trip. You usually choose your itinerary and gather your maps before you buy your plane ticket. Similarly, set up your trigger plan before you are in a sexual setting. You can develop this plan to use on your own, without necessarily letting your sexual partner in on it. But sharing the plan with your sexual partner can be an empowering risk as well as a great support when working on sexual healing. Please use this plan when being sexual with yourself as well as during partner sex, because masturbation can be just as triggering.
>
>> 1\. Notice.
>>
>> What are some of your current triggers? What happens when you are triggered? How can you (or your partner) notice that you are triggered? Be specific about behaviors. List at least three signals or signs that let you know you are triggered. For example: I start to get angry and my lover's touch bugs me. I hold my breath. I want to say something, but I feel like I can't. I worry that I will hurt my lover's feelings. Then I start tensing up in my body and find myself just "bearing it," waiting for the whole thing to be over.
>
>> 2\. Stop.
>>
>> Take a deep breath. Stop the sexual activity. You can do this by using a safeword, by moving your body to communicate that you need to stop, or by getting up to go to the bathroom. Breathe again. Name three things you can do to stop sexual activity when you are triggered. Refer to your sense of internal safety and resources.
>
>> 3\. Choose.
>>
>> Now you get to choose how you would like to proceed. Keep breathing. Relax your body. It is easiest to do this step if you have already generated a list of options you feel will work for you. Choose from this list what will meet your needs and support your sexual healing now.
>
>> 4\. Engage.
>>
>> Instead of dissociating, engage in whatever strategy you have decided on. Continue to build your capacity to stay present and tolerate the sensations and feelings that are a part of this healing work. Just a reminder: you are always allowed to change your mind and to choose again. If you find that you consistently make the same choice, try choosing something different. For instance, if you usually choose to calm the trigger and continue being sexual, try going into the trigger instead. If you consistently choose to stop being sexual, practice continuing slowly. Bring yourself to your own edge of discomfort so that you can expand your possibilities and process the abuse.
>
>> 5\. Return.
>>
>> Go back to the beginning whenever you need to.


Input:
 Write a new section for the chapter "Tell It Like It Is: Communication and Triggers", which emphasizes the importance of clear communication when dealing with triggers, needs, or sex. Include the following points:

* Triggers provide an opportunity to communicate clearly, even though it can be challenging initially.
* The ability to communicate clearly will greatly improve one's sex life and satisfaction, and aid in the healing process.
* It is easier to communicate in the moment if one has practiced outside of the vulnerable environment of a sexual encounter.
* For those who are uncomfortable talking about sex, the trigger plan is a great way to begin speaking about sex, choices, and needs.
* Depending on the level of intimacy, one can show their trigger plan to their partner, create it together, or choose to share specific parts while keeping others private.
* The more one is able to talk to their sexual partners, the more successful they will be at negotiating triggers, dissociation, and/or sexual abuse memories with them as they emerge.
* In many cases, just telling a partner what is happening can begin to alter the experience, and partners consistently prefer being informed about what is going on rather than feeling that something is "off" or not knowing at all.
* Communicating gives one the option of respecting and taking care of both themselves and their partner.
* Provide two contrasting examples of individuals dealing with triggers differently, one who spaces out and avoids communicating, and another who is clear and open with their partner.

Response:
#  Tell It Like It Is: Communication and Triggers

Triggers provide a great opportunity to communicate clearly. While it can be challenging initially to talk about triggers, your needs, or sex, the ability to do so will greatly improve your sex life and satisfaction, and aid your healing. Again, it is much easier to communicate in the moment if you have practiced first outside of the vulnerable and high-risk environment of a sexual encounter. Talk about sex and your trigger plan while sitting at the kitchen table, or driving in the car, or taking a walk.

Like many people, your partner might also be uncomfortable talking about sex. The trigger plan is a great way to begin to speak about sex, your choices, and your needs. Depending upon how intimate you are, you can show your trigger plan to your partner, create it together, or choose to share specific parts while keeping others private.

The more you are able to talk to your sexual partners, the more successful you will be at negotiating triggers, dissociation, and/or sexual abuse memories with them as they emerge. In many cases, just telling a partner what is happening can begin to alter the experience. You can then ask your partner for what you need—perhaps to stop or change what he or she is doing. Partners consistently say they would rather be informed about what is going on than feel that something is "off" in the experience, or not know at all. Communicating gives you the option of respecting and taking care of both yourself and your partner.

> > I don't tell my lover when I am triggered. It is too embarrassing and I just want it all to go away. Instead, I go away. I usually just space out.
>
> Debbie
>
>> I am very clear now with my partner when I am triggered. He will often notice
>  me going away before I do. Both of us are committed to having sex only when we
>  are present. So, he'll speak up or I will, and then I have the chance to come back.
>  We'll say, "Oh,it is you. It's you." He is teaching me that the purpose of sex is
>  not sensation. It's connection.
>
>
> Aurora


Input:
 Write a new section for the chapter "Safewords", which emphasizes the importance of creating a safeword when communicating with a partner about sex and triggers. Include the following points:

* Suggest creating a safeword, an agreed-upon word or signal that can be used to communicate "Stop, I am triggered," or "Wait, I need to talk about or renegotiate what we are doing."
* Choose a simple word or signal that is not usually used during sex, such as traffic signal colors: "yellow" meaning check in or slow down, and "red" meaning stop.
* Both partners must agree to respect the safeword or signal, and all activity should be suspended immediately when it is used.
* If the survivor finds it difficult to speak once they are triggered, suggest they invent a safeword position or hand signal.
* Remind the reader to be respectful of themselves and their partner during vulnerable states, taking care of their own needs while communicating clearly to respect both parties involved.

Response:
#  Safewords

As you communicate with a partner about sex and triggers, it can be useful to create a safeword, an agreed-upon word that you can use to communicate "Stop, I am triggered," or "Wait, I need to talk about or renegotiate what we are doing." Choose a simple word that you don't usually use during sex. Some people use traffic signal colors: "yellow" means check in or slow down, and "red" means stop. When either of you safewords, all activity is suspended immediately while you check in with each other. Both partners must agree to respect this. Come up with a word that works for you.

Many survivors find it difficult to speak once they are triggered. If this is true for you, you can invent a safeword position or hand signal, such as sitting up or waving your right hand. Again, be creative, and choose something that you can do. Once you have used your safeword or signal, stop and collect yourself. Now is the time to use the trigger plan and decide how to move forward.

Remember that when being sexual, and particularly when dealing with triggers and healing from sexual abuse, both you and your partner are in vulnerable states. Be respectful of yourself as well as of your partner. Take care of your own needs while remembering that your partner is a person with feelings, too. This doesn't mean you should ignore your own needs to take care of your partner's, but that you should communicate as clearly as possible in order to respect both of you.


Input:
 Write a new section for the chapter "Troubling Desire", focusing on the challenges some survivors face when dealing with sexual desires that they find self-destructive or problematic. Include the following points:

* Mention that some survivors have sexual desires that bother them, possibly feeling like their desires are self-destructive.
* Provide examples of self-destructive sexual desires: disembodied or nonconsensual sex, sex when intoxicated or impaired, and sex that makes the survivor feel disempowered or used. Also include desires that feel like a repeat of the sexual abuse or attractions that could lead to dangerous situations.
* Share a personal anecdote from a survivor about facing their troubling desires.
* Emphasize that some survivors may feel attracted to people who continue to abuse them sexually or physically, or they may self-inflict wounds. Another example is when survivors find that the only way they can become aroused is to feel humiliated.
* Provide another personal anecdote from a survivor who has experienced self-destructive desires.
* Encourage treating these troubling desires like triggers and suggest exploring what needs to be healed or faced to transform the pain.

Response:
#  Troubling Desire

Some survivors have sexual desires that bother them. You may feel like your desires are self-destructive. Self-destructive sexual desires can include disembodied or nonconsensual sex, sex when you are intoxicated or high to the extent that your judgment is impaired, and sex that makes you feel disempowered or used. You may also have desires that feel like a repeat of the sexual abuse. You may be sexually attracted to children or put yourself in dangerous sexual situations.

> > It was so hard to finally admit to my therapist that I feel some attraction toward kids. I would never touch one, but I had to really deal with this.
>
> Rose

The turn-ons that seem the most problematic are those that become connected to self-hate and self-destructive tendencies. You may be attracted to people who continue to abuse you sexually or physically, or you may self-inflict wounds. Some survivors find that the only way they can become aroused is to feel humiliated. If you have such troubling desires, learning to separate abuse from your arousal is central to your healing.

> > It seemed like the only men I was attracted to became violent within the first months. I have been raped by a boyfriend and kept going out with him. I cringe when I think of that now. It was all I knew, to be treated like that. It is what I felt I deserved.
>
> Tracy

Treat these troubling or self-destructive desires like triggers. What needs to be healed or faced? How can you move into the pain to transform it?


Input:
 Write a new section for the chapter "Healing Triggers Outside of Partner Sex", focusing on the importance of proactively working with triggers outside of sexual encounters. Include the following points:

* Encourage survivors to work with their sexual triggers outside of sexual encounters with a partner, emphasizing that working with triggers exclusively during sex is unfair to their sex life.
* Mention that many survivors do the majority of their sexual healing and trigger work outside of being sexual with another person.
* Suggest that survivors can explore their triggers and pleasures through masturbation and note what tools work for them.
* Introduce a tool for healing triggers called "Feeding the Triggers". This tool can be done alone or with a friend, partner, or therapist. Provide a detailed step-by-step guide on how to perform this exercise:
	1. Find a comfortable space and identify the trigger to work with.
	2. Let the trigger float out of the body and take form on a pillow or chair. Describe the creature or symbol as specifically as possible.
	3. Ask the trigger what it needs.
	4. Switch places and imagine becoming the creature or symbol. Respond to the question asked in step 3.
	5. Keep asking the trigger what it needs until the base of its needs is discovered.
	6. Feed the creature with love, safety, acceptance, forgiveness, or whatever it needs until it is fully satisfied.
	7. Sit quietly in the emptiness or wholeness.
	8. Thank the creature and yourself.
* Explain that this exercise can be repeated with the same or different triggers as needed and that many triggers require this feeding more than once to be successful.
* Share a personal anecdote from a survivor who has worked on their sexuality outside of sex and the positive impact it has had.

Please note that the "Feeding the Triggers" exercise is adapted from Tsultrim Allione's chod practice at the Tara Mandala Retreat Center. Include information on where readers can find more resources about this spiritual practice in the spirituality section of the book.

Response:
#  Healing Triggers Outside of Partner Sex

Proactively working with your triggers outside of sexual encounters is a powerful way to move your sexual healing forward. I encourage you to regularly work with your sexual triggers on your own, in conversation with friends, therapists, people in support groups, and other sources of support. Dealing with sexual triggers exclusively during sex is unfair to your sex life.

You do not need a sexual partner to heal triggers. Many survivors do the majority of their sexual healing and trigger work outside of being sexual with another person. All of the practices in this chapter can be done on your own.

Masturbation is a perfect way to explore your triggers as well as what pleasures you. Most triggers that will emerge during partner sex will emerge during masturbation. Practice being embodied and working with your triggers during masturbation. Note what tools work for you. This gives you powerful groundwork to take into partner sex.

> Feeding the Triggers: A Tool for Healing Triggers
>
> This is a very powerful and effective exercise for healing and attending to triggers. Although it might seem daunting at first, once you get the hang of it, it is really quite simple. This exercise can be done alone or with a friend, partner, or therapist whose role will be to facilitate, witness, and be present for the experience.
>
>> 1\. Arrange two pillows or chairs so that they are facing each other. Sit on one. Close your eyes and get in touch with the trigger that you want to work with. Where is it in your body? How does it feel? (e.g., I feel a constriction in my chest and back, or My stomach gets tights and I feel terrified.) Fully feel the trigger and be clear about where in your body you feel it.
>
>> 2\. Next, let the trigger float out of you onto the pillow across from you, taking some form. It could look like a monster, a little girl, a color or shape. Just let it take shape. An image or sense will appear. Now describe the creature sitting across from you as specifically as you can. What color is it? How large? Does it have a face, a look in its eye?
>
>> 3\. Once you have a clear sense of the representation of the trigger, ask it out loud, "What do you need?"
>
>> 4\. Switch seats, so that you now occupy the creature or symbol's seat. Take a moment to imagine yourself becoming the creature or symbol. What does it feel like to be this creature? Now respond as the creature. Tell "you" in the other chair what it is you need. Speak in "I" statements: "I need," "I want."
>
>> 5\. If the trigger wants you, for example, to die, to quit ignoring it, or to eat all the food in the house, ask it (or have your partner ask it) what purpose that would serve. "If I died, quit ignoring you, or ate all that food, how would that make you feel?" You want to discover the need beneath the need. Continue to ask these questions until you get to the base of the trigger's needs. Most often, the needs at this point will be for love, safety, acceptance, and forgiveness.
>
>> 6\. Once you have discovered the needs of the trigger you are working with, switch seats and become yourself again. Then, as if by magic, evoke an infinite quantity of love, safety, acceptance, and forgiveness, or whatever it is the trigger symbol needs. Feed the creature what it needs until it is fully and completely satisfied. If you find it difficult to imagine yourself feeding the creature to complete satisfaction, then just imagine that it has been fully fed. Know that all triggers can be fed to their complete satisfaction. Different triggers take in this sustenance in different ways: some eat it, others breathe it in or absorb it into their bodies. Still others take it in best as sounds or colors. Be creative and use what works for your trigger creature.
>
>> 7\. Once the trigger is completely satisfied, or you have imagined that it is, sit quietly. Sit in the emptiness or wholeness. Don't fill it with the next problem, or the next trigger; just sit quietly for a few moments. At this point, many triggers will transform in shape and size. Just notice whatever yours does and be with that. When you are ready, complete the exercise by thanking the creature and yourself.
>
>> 8\. Repeat this exercise with the same or different triggers as needed. Because of the depth of childhood sexual abuse, many triggers will need this feeding more than once. Repeated over time, this approach to healing triggers can be amazingly successful. With practice you can also begin to do this exercise in your own mind. It is a handy tool to carry with you.
>
> I learned a version of this exercise from Tsultrim Allione at the Tara Mandala Retreat Center, as a part of the chod practice, a practice of Tibetan meditation. Please see the spirituality section of the Resources for contact information.

> > I found that to really progress in getting my sexuality back, I had to work on it outside of sex. I wrote about it, and I took it, reluctantly at first, to counseling. After awhile another survivor friend and I made up our own two-person group and talked just about sex and sexual healing. We learned new stuff together, did exercises, and gave ourselves homework. Her support made all the difference.
>
> Stephanie


Input:
  Write a new section for the chapter "Taking a Break from Sex", focusing on the benefits of taking a break from being sexual for a period of time. Include the following points:

* Discuss the power of taking a break from sex, especially if the survivor feels they are only good for or loved for sex.
* Explain the importance of learning that people love and are attracted to the survivor's person rather than what they can do for them sexually.
* Provide a list of times when taking a break from sex should be considered, such as:
	1. When having sex to fulfill nonsexual needs for closeness and intimacy.
	2. When having sex repeatedly for the partner even though the survivor doesn't want to.
	3. When having sex of any kind when the survivor doesn't want to.
	4. When having sex when the survivor is dissociated, checked out, or not really "there."
	5. When sex is the only way the survivor can feel their body.
	6. When having sex is the thing that makes the survivor feel worthy.
	7. When the survivor has sex because they fear being left if they do not.
* Emphasize that having sex for any of these reasons communicates to the body that the survivor is not safe, that they are being abused, and that they are only good for sex. This is what childhood sexual abuse teaches them, and not what they want for their sex life now.
* Encourage the survivor to take on different behaviors and actions.
* Share a personal story from a survivor who took a break from sex and the positive impact it had on their life.
* Discuss negotiating a break from sex with a partner, including:
	1. Talking with the partner about the need and reasons for the break.
	2. Agreeing upon a specific amount of time for the break.
	3. Discussing individual goals and relationship goals during the break.
	4. Talking about intimacy and partner's sexual needs during the break.
	5. Setting dates to check in with each other during the break and at the end of the break.
	6. Discussing what the survivor has gotten out of the break, what they have learned, and if they are ready to be sexual now.
* Address the concerns of survivors who are afraid to negotiate a break from sex because they are afraid of their partner's response.
* Explain that most partners respond positively to this request and that if the partner is unwilling to take a break, it is important information to know about the partner.
* Share a personal story from a survivor who negotiated a break from sex with their partner and the positive impact it had on their relationship.
* Encourage the survivor to be both gentle and courageous during this process, seeing themselves as powerful and capable of healing sexually.

Response:
#  Taking a Break from Sex

It can be powerful for survivors to take a break from being sexual for a period of time, particularly if you feel that all you are really good for or loved for is sex. What would it be like to negotiate time off from sex? What would it be like to learn that people love and are attracted to your person rather than what you can do for them sexually?

Times to consider taking a break from sex include the following:

> • When you find yourself consistently having sex to fulfill nonsexual needs for closeness and intimacy: If I just have sex with him or her I can be held. What about just asking to be held?

> • When you are having sex repeatedly "for your partner" even though you don't want to.

> • When you have sex of any kind when you don't want to.

> • When you have sex when you are dissociated, checked out, or not really "there."

> • When sex is the only way that you can feel your body.

> • When having sex is the thing that makes you feel worthy.

> • When you have sex because you fear being left if you do not.

Having sex for any of these reasons communicates to your body that you are not safe, that you are being abused, that you are only good for sex. This is what childhood sexual abuse teaches you, and not what you want for your sex life now. Now you can communicate something different to yourself and your body. This means taking on different behaviors and different actions.

Having sex with your partner when you don't want to, or having sex because it is the only reason you believe you are worthy or loved, is not the same as sexual abuse, nor are your sexual partners your perpetrators. But having this kind of sex does reinforce the belief that you have no say about sex and that you are not worth loving as a whole being. The pattern continues over and over again.

> > There was a point when I was compulsive about sex. I decided to declare a moratorium on sexual activity for four months. After two weeks, I thought I was going to die. I was actually convinced that the peak sexual experience of my life was scheduled for those two weeks and that I'd miss it. During this time out, I was able to discover that my arousal was tied to humiliation because of the abuse.
>
> Aurora

You are now responsible for your well-being and for your body and sexuality. What do you want to be telling yourself? What new experiences and possibilities do you want your body to know?

If you are in a partnership and want to negotiate a time away from sex, talk with your partner about it. Talk about what you need and why. Explain what you think you will gain by not being sexual for a time. It helps to acknowledge that sex is an important part of any partnership, that you want to take care of this part of your own life, and that you want to take care of it in your relationship as well.

When negotiating a break from sex, agree upon a specific amount of time. It can be a month, two months, a year—whatever will work for you both.

What do you want to accomplish or work on during this time, individually and in your relationship? How can you be intimate with your partner while taking a break from sex? Talk about your partner's sexual needs. How else can she or he express sexual energy? Masturbation, reading erotic stories, or even writing them are good options. Be creative.

I have found that this is not generally a good time to introduce an outside sexual partner into your relationship. It can confuse matters and stir up lots of other issues that will distract you from the work at hand. Taking a break from sex in your partnership can be a time to deepen your communication and trust. It can serve as a time to grow your relationship.

Once you have negotiated your time off from sex, set a date about halfway through to check in with each other. Also set a date at the end of the time out to talk and renegotiate, if needed. What have you gotten out of it? What have you learned? Are you ready to be sexual now? Do you want to be sexual? What will continue to move your healing forward?

> > My boyfriend and I arranged to take a break from sex for three months, and then extended it to six months. It was really hard for me to ask for this. I did-n't know if he'd love me still if we weren't having sex. We worked on our relationship a lot during this time, and I feel like it has made us stronger.
>
> Hannah

Many survivors never negotiate a break from sex because they are afraid of their partner's response. They continue to have sex out of fear. But most partners respond positively to this request. They are glad to be proactive about sex and learn a lot themselves during this time. If your partner is unwilling to take a break, you can be thankful for such clarity. This is important information to know about your partner. You can consider whether you are compatible as partners through this healing process. You may not be. This can be very painful—but do you really want to be sexual with someone who cannot support you right now?

A break from partner sex can be a time to explore your sexuality on your own. Through masturbation, you can work with your triggers and establish a different relationship with your own body and sexuality. You may also want to take a break from sex with yourself. If so, follow the same model as when negotiating a break with a sexual partner. What do you want to accomplish during this time? What do you want to work on? How can you be intimate with yourself? If you take a break, be conscious about it. Set a date to check in with yourself about being sexual again.

> > When I took a break from having sex with other people, I really took charge of my own sexuality. I learned how to respect myself enough to say "no," and then I said "yes" to sex with myself. I learned about sex with my own timing and agenda.
>
> Anita

This work asks you to be both gentle and courageous. See yourself as powerful and capable of healing sexually. Sexual healing can be hard and scary work at times, but the benefits of getting your body and sexuality back are profound.


Input:
 Write a new section for the chapter "Sex Guide Exercises" that focuses on identifying and working with sexual triggers. Include the following points:

* Introduce the concept of sexual triggers and their impact on survivors of sexual abuse.
* Provide an exercise for identifying triggers, asking the survivor to:
	1. List specific acts, states of mind, or feelings that can trigger them.
	2. Describe what happens in their body when they are triggered.
	3. Identify any repeating images, sounds, or memories that emerge when they are triggered.
* Encourage the survivor to think about proactive actions they can take to work with their sexual triggers outside of a sexual setting.
* Suggest creating a detailed "Trigger Plan" that includes:
	1. Identifying triggers.
	2. Outlining actions to take when triggered.
	3. Sharing the plan with a partner, friend, or counselor.
	4. Adding new ideas to the "Many Choices" list for dealing with triggers.

Remember to emphasize the importance of understanding and managing triggers as part of the healing process for survivors of sexual abuse.

Response:
#  Sex Guide Exercises

> 1\. What triggers you? What acts, states of mind, or feelings can trigger you? Be specific. What happens in your body when you are triggered? What repeating images, sounds, or memories emerge when you are triggered?

> 2\. What actions can you take proactively to work with your sexual triggers outside of a sexual setting?

> 3\. Prepare a Trigger Plan on your own or with a partner. Share this with your partner, a friend, or a counselor. Add your own ideas to the Many Choices list for dealing with triggers.


Input:
 Write a new chapter for the book called "The Emotions of Healing: You Gotta Feel Your Way Out of This". Include the following points:

* Share a quote from a survivor, Carla, about allowing herself to feel guilty, lonely, and angry during sex, which helped her deal with the ways incest affected her sexuality.
* Discuss the common fear among survivors of feeling emotions deeply, such as guilt, loneliness, or rage, due to the belief that they might never stop crying or might hurt themselves or others.
* Reassure the reader that the fear of the emotion is usually worse than actually feeling it and that emotions are essential travel companions on the road to sexual healing.
* Emphasize that healing and enjoying intimate sex require accessing all emotions, not just positive ones.
* Discuss the survival mechanism of dissociation, where survivors tune out emotions to escape unbearable feelings during the abuse.
* Explain that unfelt emotions or unprocessed trauma are stored in the body, mind, and spirit, waiting for healing.
* Share a quote from another survivor, Cindy, about feeling pissed off and lonely after sex, despite believing she should feel happy and satisfied.
* Explain that feeling bad during the healing process is not a sign of lack of progress, and that healing can sometimes feel like dying and being transformed.

Response:
chapter twelve

The Emotions of Healing: You Gotta Feel Your Way Out of This

> Once I let myself feel guilty, lonely, and angry during sex, I began to deal with all of the ways incest had affected my sexuality.

Carla

Many survivors are afraid to feel. You may be afraid that if you let yourself feel the depth of your loss, you will never stop crying. Or that if you let yourself feel the extent of your rage, you will hurt yourself or someone, else. But I have never seen anyone caught in an emotion forever—once they were willing to feel it. Usually the fear of the emotion is worse than actually feeling it.

Emotions are your travel buddies on the road to sexual healing. You can't heal if you can't feel. You certainly can't enjoy the pleasures of intimate sex if you cannot access all of your emotions.

Most of us survived the abuse by tuning out our emotions. Through dissociation, we escaped the emotions that were too unbearable to feel at the time. These unfelt emotions, or unprocessed trauma, are stored in our bodies, minds, and spirits, awaiting healing. Every survivor I've known has, at some point, wished this pain would magically disappear, but that doesn't seem to be how it works. Feeling and healing emotionally is the ticket out.

> > I thought that having sex meant that I was supposed to feel happy all the time and satisfied, but I often felt pissed off and lonely after sex. I figured I must be doing something wrong.
>
> Cindy

You may think feeling bad means you aren't making progress in your healing. This is a mistake. We all hope that healing will feel good; but mostly, it doesn't. Healing can feel more like dying—dying and being transformed, and then finding yourself changed for the better, with a life of your own.


Input:
 Write a new section for the book called "You Have to Feel It to Heal It". Include the following points:

* Discuss the importance of emotions in our responses to life and how they are felt as bodily sensations, emphasizing the benefits of embodiment in emotional healing.
* Encourage the reader to build emotional flexibility to shift easily between various emotional states, such as sadness, longing, desire, irritation, joy, and pleasure.
* Provide a list of emotions and ask the reader to reflect on their emotional range and how these emotions manifest as sensations in their body.
* Explain that emotions occur naturally and automatically and are designed for expression and healing, emphasizing that unfelt or "held" emotions can affect physical, mental, and spiritual health.
* Emphasize that unprocessed traumatic experiences and emotions can color the lenses through which one views reality, leading to feelings of powerlessness even after the threat has passed.
* Reiterate that emotions are self-healing mechanisms that help maintain mental and spiritual health and that feeling the depths of emotions, such as grief and anger, can lead to transformation and release.
* Address the common experience of feeling contradictory emotions, such as sadness and relief or anger and compassion, and reassure the reader that these contradictions are natural in the logic of emotions. Encourage the reader to make room in their mind for these emotional contradictions.

Response:
#  You Have to Feel It to Heal It

Emotions are our responses to life. As we move through our lives, we experience the richness of love and delight, the emptiness of loss, and the fire of dedication and anger. Emotions are felt as bodily sensations. Here is another area of healing in which embodiment pays off. As you become more aware of the sensations in your body, you will gain access to the subtleties and intricacies of your emotions.

You want to build an emotional flexibility that lets you move easily from one emotional state to another, from sadness to longing and desire, from irritation to joy and pleasure, and so on. Each new emotion helps you build your emotional range. The greater your range, the easier it will be for you to shift from one emotion to the next. You will be less likely to feel stuck in an emotional rut, experiencing the same emotion, such as fear, over and over until it has a stranglehold on your life.

> The Variety of Emotions and Moods
>
> What is your emotional range? How do these emotions show up as sensations in your body? enthusiasm excitement sadness grief joy peace ease loss anger irritation settledness groundedness confusion anticipation surprise fear terror ambition love feeling loved spiritual longing sexiness boredom

Emotions occur naturally and automatically, and they are designed for expression and healing. Unfelt or "held" emotions will remain in your system until they are acknowledged. If they are never attended to, they can run amok, affecting your physical, mental, and spiritual health. Unprocessed traumatic experiences and emotions color the lenses through which you view your reality. For instance, many adult survivors feel profoundly powerless long after they really are no longer powerless.

I see our emotions as self-healing mechanisms that help us maintain our mental and spiritual health. Grief and anger are natural responses to hurt and trauma, serving as healing agents to mend our wounds. When we are able to feel the depths of these emotions, we experience transformation and release. That metamorphosis and return to empowerment is what we mean by healing.

Chances are you've wondered how you can feel contradictory emotions, such as sadness and relief or anger and compassion, at the same time. I've worked with many survivors who insist, "My feelings don't make sense!" But emotions follow their own set of rules. Emotional logic and cognitive logic operate quite differently; our emotional systems are vast enough to hold contradictions that don't make sense to our way of thinking. You may feel both love and hate for your perpetrator—most survivors do. You may feel terrified of facing the feelings left over from your abuse, yet long to do so. These contradictions are natural to the logic of emotions. The trick is making room in our minds for the possibility of these contradictions.


Input:
 Write a new section called "The Five Stages of Emotions". In this section:

* Explain that emotions and emotional expression follow a predictable cycle, like a wave building and crashing on the beach before reintegrating into the ocean.
* Break down the process of emotions into five stages:
  - The emotion shows up as a sensation or feeling, which may be a response to either a current or a past experience.
  - The individual has a choice to turn away from the emotion or open toward it.
  - As the individual attends to or turns toward the emotions, they intensify and increase.
  - Emotions grow to a point of fullness, like water about to spill over the top of a bowl.
  - Emotions are expressed bodily, and the individual intentionally completes the cycle by drawing upon their internal emotional resources.
* Discuss how turning away from emotions can be a way of taking care of oneself, but holding emotions down as a way of life is not effective. Also mention that the longer one braces against emotions, particularly those wrought by abuse, the longer those emotions will run their life.
* Explain that the full expression of even the most intense and scary emotions usually lasts only twenty minutes at most.
* Discuss the completion stage, where one may find relief, peace, renewed energy, and a sense of healing or transformation. Encourage the reader to take time to be with themselves and check in with their internal sense of safety and well-being.
* Mention that orgasms follow this same cycle, and ask the reader to pay attention to the completion stage.
* Address the possibility of recycling trauma instead of healing it if the reader finds themselves pouring out emotion with no experience of change or integration. Encourage the reader to ask themselves, "What would it take to complete this feeling?"
* Discuss the importance of facing, feeling, releasing, and completing traumatic emotions in order to be free to build intimate, sexual relationships.
* Encourage the reader to take a moment to consider which stages in the cycle of emotions they are good at and which they need to practice. Ask the reader if they are able to express their emotions or if they tend to hold or repress them. Discuss whether the reader can complete a cycle of emotion and move to integration and where they can use more support or learning.

Response:
#  The Five Stages of Emotions

Emotions and emotional expression follow a predictable cycle. The cycle of emotions can be like a wave building to fullness and crashing on the beach, then reintegrating into the ocean only to come to shore once more.

I've broken this process down into five stages:

First, the emotion shows up as a sensation or feeling. The emotion may be a response to either a current or a past experience. Of course, emotions from the past will emerge as you heal.

Then you have a choice. You can turn away from the emotion or you can open toward it. There are times when putting an emotion on hold is a good way of taking care of yourself. Holding emotions down doesn't work as a way of life, however. The longer you brace against emotions, particularly those wrought by abuse, the longer those emotions will run your life.

> The Five Stages of Emotions
>
>> 1\. Sensations and emotions emerge.
>
>> 2\. As you attend to or turn toward the emotions, they intensify and increase.
>
>> 3\. Emotions grow to a point of fullness, like water about to spill over the top of a bowl.
>
>> 4\. Emotions release or are expressed bodily.
>
>> 5\. Intentionally complete the cycle. Draw upon your internal emotional resources.

Instead of turning way from the emotions, you can choose to welcome them. In stage two of the cycle, you attend to the emotion, feeling your way into the sensation. When you do this, the emotion tends to intensify and reveal itself. This stage can often be the scariest. Just as in healing from dissociation, feeling your emotions means learning to tolerate these sensations in your body.

Stage three brings the emotion to fullness. The emotion grows in its charge and sensation. You may feel like you are about to cry. Your chest may overflow with joy and pleasure. You may want nothing more than to throw a major tantrum.

Stage four brings release. Depending upon the emotion, you may experience this release as gentle or very intense. You may sweat or blush, sob, shake, tremble, kick, laugh, yell, or become overheated or chilled. This expression is the release of the emotion. Surprisingly, the full expression of even the most intense and scary emotions usually lasts only twenty minutes at most.

After the full expression of the emotion, you may find relief, peace, renewed energy, and a sense of healing or transformation. This is the completion of the cycle, or what some people call integration. Take time to be with yourself. Breathe. Check in with your internal sense of safety and well-being (see chapter 1). Notice that you are alright, that you were not harmed in the process of healing. Acknowledge that you are complete with this piece of your healing; it can be helpful to say this out loud. Bring intentionality to this part of the process.

Orgasms follow this same cycle. Surprised?

Pay attention to the completion stage. Sometimes you may find yourself pouring out emotion with no experience of change or integration. You could be recycling the trauma rather than healing it. I do not encounter this often—most people who are not ready for healing try to repress emotions related to the abuse. But if this is happening to you, ask yourself, "What would it take to complete this feeling?" If you don't know the answer, make one up. Imagine you know what completion would feel like. Try it on for size.

Once you face, feel, release, and complete traumatic emotions, you will be free to build intimate, sexual relationships. Instead of being weighed down by the burden of your past, you'll need carry with you only enough faith and courage to meet the fears and risks love requires of us all.

Take a moment to consider which stages in the cycle of emotions you are good at and which you need to practice. Are you able to express your emotions, or do you tend to hold or repress them? Can you complete a cycle of emotion and move to integration? Where can you use more support or learning?


Input:
 Write a new section called "Emotional Centering". In this section:

* Explain that sensations are the basis of emotions.
* Ask the reader to think about their favorite color, piece of music, or a place where they experience peace or beauty, and notice what happens to their sensations.
* Ask the reader how they know when they are happy or upset, and where in their body they feel that.
* Explain that noticing emotions as sensations enables one to become emotionally flexible and have room enough internally to both experience and interpret their emotions as they happen.
* Define what is meant by being emotionally centered, and that being emotionally centered allows one to fully experience their feelings and take care of themselves at the same time.
* Mention that developing an emotional center is a skill that will be useful in bringing intimacy and sex together and in the sexual healing process.
* Discuss how people become accustomed to interpreting certain sensations as certain emotions, giving examples of the sensations of fear feeling similar to the sensations of excitement or titillation and the sensations of being grounded feeling much like those of boredom or being stuck.
* Encourage the reader to be curious about their sensations and differentiate them from their emotions.
* Share an example of someone who noticed their sensations, interpreted them correctly, and found a more positive outcome than they initially expected.
* Remind the reader to be careful when interpreting their emotions and not to just "re-interpret" terror as excitement when it really is terror. Encourage the reader to gently release and feel the terror in order to heal it.

Response:
#  Emotional Centering

Sensations are the basis of emotions. Think about your favorite color or piece of music, or a place you where you experience peace or beauty. Notice what happens to your sensations. Your chest might relax and open, your belly settle, or your legs feel a pleasant streaming. How do you know when you are happy or upset? Where in your body do you feel that?

Noticing your emotions as sensations enables you to become emotionally flexible, moving more easily between emotional states and having room enough internally to both experience and interpret your emotions as they happen.

This is also what is meant by being emotionally centered. When you are emotionally centered, you are able to hang with your emotions, to notice them, feel them, and attend to them, yet not have them run you. Being emotionally centered allows you to fully experience your feelings and take care of yourself at the same time. With practice, you can learn how to have your emotions fully and make your own choices about them. Developing this kind of emotional center is a skill you will use in bringing intimacy and sex together. You will also use it in your sexual healing process.

We become accustomed to interpreting certain sensations as certain emotions. For example, the sensations of fear may feel similar to the sensations of excitement or titillation. The sensations of being grounded can feel much like those of boredom or being stuck. Be curious about your sensations. Are you feeling fear? Or are you opening up? Once you learn to differentiate sensations and emotions, subtlety comes into play.

> > I was fantasizing about sex with this guy I've been attracted to for a long time.
>  I was masturbating, and I got to this edge I've reached before that feels like old
>  fear about the abuse. Instead of checking out or trying to get away from it, I
>  stayed with it. The most amazing thing happened. Upon closer examination,
>  what felt like fear was sexual excitement. The feeling kind of opened up then
>  and became very pleasant and alive.
>
>
> Danielle

Be careful when interpreting your emotions. It will not help you just to "re-interpret" terror as excitement when it really is terror. Gently releasing and feeling the terror will heal it for you


Input:
 Write a new section called "Emotional Sourcing". In this section:

* Encourage the reader to imagine a deep internal well of emotional resources that they can access when they need support.
* Explain that emotional sourcing helps develop positive, pleasurable places within oneself to approach healing.
* Provide instructions on how to create emotional sourcing:
  - Bring attention to any pleasant, peaceful, or settled sensation in the body.
  - Find a spot in the body where warmth is spreading or where relaxation is present.
  - If a source of pleasure in the body cannot be found, suggest the reader to imagine an object or place that gives them pleasure (e.g., a beautiful shirt, a seashell, a special gift, or a place in nature).
  - Mention that if the reader finds themselves smiling, they have found their source.
  - Let the reader enter the sensations and notice where the feelings of pleasure show up in the body.
* Explain that when encountering a difficult moment in the healing process, the reader can return to their emotional source to center themselves and gain perspective on their recovery.
* Emphasize that this internal source of support will ease the process of working through difficult emotions and traumas.

Response:
#  Emotional Sourcing

Imagine that you had a deep internal well of emotional resources to dip into when the going gets tough. Facing your feelings might not seem so terrible if you knew the emotional support you needed was available right inside of you. Emotional sourcing helps you develop positive, pleasurable places in yourself from which to approach your healing.

To create emotional sourcing for yourself, bring your attention to any pleasant, peaceful, or settled sensation you can find in your body right now. Can you find a spot in your body where you feel warmth spreading? A sense of relaxation? If you can't find a source of pleasure in your body, try imagining an object that gives you pleasure—the beautiful shirt you are wearing, a seashell or stone you found, or a special gift from a dear friend. Maybe your source will be a place in nature. If you find yourself smiling, you've got it! Now let yourself enter those sensations. Notice where the feelings of pleasure show up in your body. Get to know them.

When you reach a difficult piece of your healing, a moment you think you just will not survive, you can go back to your emotional source. Use that internal source of support to center yourself and help you gain perspective on your recovery. This will ease the process of working through difficult emotions and traumas.


Input:
 Write a new section called "Emotional Healing". Begin this section with a quote from a survivor expressing their fear of facing their emotions. Then, in this section:

* Explain that as the reader heals, they will likely work with a range of emotions, including anger, grief, a sense of betrayal, blaming themselves, placing accountability on the offender, shame, terror, a sense of their own internal resources and courage, longing, and compassion and forgiveness for themselves.
* Emphasize that survivors who are willing to face these emotions develop both courage and calmness.

Response:
#  Emotional Healing

> > I am afraid that if I let myself start crying I will never stop.
>
> Sheila

As you heal, you will likely work with anger, grief, a sense of betrayal, blaming yourself, and placing accountability on the offender, shame, terror, a sense of your own internal resources and courage, longing, and compassion and forgiveness for yourself. I have found that survivors who are willing to face these emotions develop both courage and calmness.


Input:
 Write a new section called "Anger and Rage". Begin this section with two quotes from survivors expressing their fear and their empowerment from their anger. Then, in this section:

* Explain the only rule for expressing anger and rage about having been sexually abused as a girl: do not hurt yourself or anyone else, or break any object that is important to you or to anyone else.
* Emphasize that survivors often have a hard time expressing anger and that anger is energy that can be used to protect oneself and stand up for one's rights and dignity.
* Discuss how anger may emerge during sex and provide suggestions for safely expressing anger, such as finding a safe place to be loud, using physical movement, and having someone witness your anger.
* Conclude by emphasizing the importance of anger in reclaiming one's worthiness, dignity, and self-respect.

Response:
##  Anger and Rage

> > I am scared to death of my anger. I am afraid that if I express it, really let it out, it will take over my life. I will be some mad, raging woman, screaming at the world.
>
> Chris
>
>> My anger has saved my life. My anger has been the juice that let me know I was worth something.
>
> Daren

When it comes to expressing your anger and rage about having been sexually abused as a girl, there is only one rule:

Do not hurt yourself or anyone else, or break any object that is important to you or to anyone else.

Otherwise, you have free reign to let out all of that anger until you have expressed all that is useful to express.

Most survivors I have worked with are so concerned about not raging that it takes them a long time to learn to express any anger at all. You may be able to say, "I am angry," but really letting out the rage, expressing all the anger that you didn't get to express as a child, may be something else altogether.

Anger is energy you can use to protect yourself and to stand up for your rights and dignity. Now you can have the opportunity to benefit from your anger in the ways that you could not as a kid.

> > I found this amazing therapist a couple of years into my healing. She taught me to wail on huge pillows with a plastic bat. I felt like I was living a delayed reaction. Now I was getting to respond physically in all of the ways that weren't safe when I was a girl.
>
> Stephanie

For many survivors, anger emerges during sex. You may be angry that a memory or trigger is invading your sex life or pissed off at your own emotions, sensations, turn-on, or body. You may also feel angry at your partner. Suddenly, nothing your lover does is right and you can barely tolerate a touch that previously you may have delighted in. There's no mistaking this trigger. The past comes bubbling up and your hurt, fear, and anger get projected onto the closest target.

> > I find it much easier to get angry at my boyfriend, to harp on him about anything, than to direct my anger where it belongs. It is so much scarier to get angry at those who hurt me.
>
> Debbie

Well, it's time to get angry at those who hurt you. Go directly to the source. Get angry at the people who caused you this pain. Get mad at the people who failed to protect you. Express that anger in a way that works for you—scream at your pillow, lecture the wall, write a letter. Say everything you wanted to say long ago, but couldn't. Allow yourself to express what you have wanted all these years to express.

> Ways to Safely Express Your Anger
>
>> • Find a safe place where you can be loud and use your voice. Your bedroom, the shower, a secluded place in the woods, or your car are good choices. Make noise, growl, yell. Tell that abuser everything you have always wanted to say. Make noise as you…
>
>> • Physicalize your anger. Get a tennis racket or plastic bat and beat on pillows, your bed, or a couch. Breathe. Bend your knees so you don't injure your back.
>
>> • Twist a large towel in your hands, wringing your anger into it.
>
>> • Rip up old phone books. Tear them apart with your anger.
>
>> • Lie on a mattress or futon. Beat your fists and kick your legs on the surface. Push against something.
>
>> • Pile up cushions along the base of a couch, or stack cushions along a wall. Turn onto one side and kick in the pillows. If using a wall, ensure that there is enough padding, that you are safe, and that you do not break your toes or kick the wall in. Being able to kick your legs can be an amazing relief. Our legs and butts are the sites of the most powerful muscles in our bodies. We can move them with great force.

When you feel angry during sex, pause, breathe, and acknowledge that anger in some way. You may find it works for you to do this internally, or you may need to acknowledge the anger out loud. You may decide to acknowledge the anger in the moment or save it for your therapy group, a phone call to your best friend, or some other supportive setting. Feeling anger is a healthy part of being alive. Feeling intense anger is a really healthy response to being sexually abused as a child.

When feeling and expressing your anger, remember to breathe and to stay in your body. How does your body want to express this anger? You may feel silly, but let your body do what it wants to do. Many survivors were held down, trapped by the weight of their abusers, and terrorized or shamed into silence. You may want to push or hit, yell, curse, or kick. Any of these are fine, provided you do them safely.

When you are ready, try expressing your anger with someone else present. This could be a close friend, another survivor, a support group, or your counselor or therapist. It can be difficult to learn to express your anger alone. Having someone witness your anger can be very powerful. When you are feeling small and vulnerable, it's great to have someone who can remind you of how you stood up for yourself.

Anger helps you reclaim your worthiness, dignity, and self-respect. Anger says, "No, this was not right. This is not acceptable!" You may feel relieved and peaceful after having expressed rage at what happened to you. I have seen many survivors develop confidence and compassion for themselves by learning to fully express anger.