Input:
  Write a section for a nonfiction book called "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" focusing on practicing safer sex. Include the following points:

* Explain why a discussion on safer sex is essential in a sexual healing book
* Define safer sex as the practice of using barriers or limiting sexual activities to prevent the passage of bodily fluids from one person to another
* Mention the purpose of safer-sex techniques is to prevent sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
* List some examples of STDs that can be prevented through safer-sex practices such as herpes, genital warts, HIV, chlamydia, etc.
* Mention that the use of condoms is also an effective method in preventing pregnancy

Response:
#  Safer Sex

No chapter on safety in a sexual healing book would be complete without a discussion of safer sex. Safer sex is the practice of using barriers or limiting sexual activities to prevent the passage of bodily fluids from one person to another. Safer-sex techniques are used to prevent sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) including herpes, genital warts, HIV, chlamydia, and many others. The use of condoms is also effective in preventing pregnancy.


Input:
   Write a section for the chapter on safer sex in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" focusing on the use of barriers. Include the following points:

* Discuss the various types of safer-sex barriers, such as condoms, latex gloves, dental dams, and female condoms
* Mention that most barriers are made of latex, but there are alternatives for people with latex allergies, such as polyurethane and nitrile
* Explain why lambskin condoms are not recommended for safer sex as they do not prevent HIV transmission
* Suggest the use of plastic food wrap as a cheap, readily available, and easy-to-use alternative to dental dams for cunnilingus and analingus

Note: The last point about plastic food wrap is not medically accurate and should not be taken as advice. It is included here only as a response to the user's request for a prompt that would generate the given text. It is essential to use proper barriers for safer sex, and plastic food wrap is not a suitable substitute.

Response:
##  Use a Barrier

Most safer-sex barriers, such as condoms, latex gloves, dental dams, and female condoms, are made of latex, although there are others made from polyurethane and nitrile for folks who are allergic to latex. Lambskin condoms do not prevent HIV transmission, since the virus is small enough to pass through the membrane, and are not recommended for safer sex. For many, plastic food wrap is the barrier of choice for cunnilingus and analingus, as it is cheap, readily available, and easier to use than dental dams.


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter on safer sex in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex," focusing on the importance of lubricants when using barriers. Include the following points:

* Encourage the use of water-based lubricants with latex and other barriers
* Explain how water-based lubricants make the experience more enjoyable by improving glide and increasing sensitivity
* Provide specific instructions on how and where to apply lubricant when using condoms, dental dams, plastic wrap, and latex gloves
* Warn against using oil-based lubricants, such as Crisco and Vaseline, with latex products as they can weaken the material
* Emphasize the importance of using latex in preventing STDs and recommend using only water-based lubricant

Response:
##  Don't Forget the Lubricant

Use a water-based lubricant with latex and other barriers—it will make the whole experience a lot more enjoyable. Water-based lubricant helps tremendously with the glide factor and increases sensitivity. Put some lubricant in the tip of the condom for the wearer and on the outside for more glide. Use lubricant on the receiver's side of the dental dam or plastic wrap during oral sex, and on the outside of the latex glove for a smoother touch.

Lubricants containing oil can weaken latex. Thus Crisco, Vaseline, and other oil-based lubricants are not recommended for use with condoms or any other latex product. Since I encourage the use of latex in preventing STDs, I recommend using only water-based lubricants.


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter on safer sex in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex," focusing on the importance of assessing one's own risk factors. Include the following points:

* Define what risk factors are when discussing safer sex
* Explain that one needs to consider their own risk factors, those of their partners, and of the sexual acts they engage in
* Provide a list of personal risk factors to consider, including:
    - the number of sexual partners with whom one has had unprotected sex
    - the number of partners those sexual partners may have had sex with
    - the risk level of one's sexual activities
    - one's intravenous drug history
    - one's partners' intravenous drug history
    - and if one currently has any STDs
* Discuss how having multiple sexual partners increases one's risk level
* Explain that enjoying high risk sexual practices can also increase one's risk
* Address the importance of safer sex for those with STDs or immune-deficiency disorders
* Emphasize that one should not assume their partner is monogamous and should have a conversation about safer sex and their partner's sex and drug-use history
* Suggest that partners get tested for HIV and other STDs before having sex together
* Remind the reader that HIV may not show up on tests for several months after exposure
* Recommend getting tested for HIV once every six month

Response:
##  Assess Your Risk

A lot of people speak of "risk factors" when discussing safer sex. To assess risk, you need to consider your own risk factors, those of your partners, and of the particular sexual acts you engage in. You can then choose what risks you feel are worth taking.

To assess your own risk, consider:

> • the number of partners with whom you have had unprotected sex

> • the number of partners they may have had sex with

> • the risk level of your sexual activities

> • your intravenous drug history

> • your partners' intravenous drug history

> • and if you currently have any STDs.

ILLUSTRATION 1. Safer-Sex Gear

The more partners with whom you have had unprotected sex, the greater your risk level. If you have used intravenous drugs, this also increases your risk. Of course, if you enjoy high risk sexual practices (for instance, unprotected anal intercourse), you should consider yourself at higher risk.

If you have any STDs or immune-deficiency disorders, you are at higher risk and may want err on the side of caution in your sexual practices to keep yourself well. Even if you are HIV-positive, you need to practice safer sex. First, having one strand of the HIV virus does not make you resistant to others. Second, exposure to other STDs can damage an already-compromised immune system.

When assessing your risk factors, remember that there is no guarantee that your partner is monogamous. Given the lack of permission to speak openly about having multiple sexual partners, many people will lie about it. Some people regularly have sex outside of a primary relationship without ever telling anyone. Your health is in your hands. While I am not asking you to be skeptical, I am encouraging you to be aware that you may not know all of your partner's sex history or current sexual practices. Have a conversation with your partner about safer sex and his or her sex and drug-use history. The best bet is to ask your partner to get tested for HIV and other STDs before you have sex together. Remember that HIV will probably not show up on tests for several months after exposure. A good practice is to get tested for HIV once every six months.


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter on safer sex in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex," focusing on the different levels of risk associated with various sexual practices. Include the following points:

* Explain that semen and blood carry the highest concentration of the HIV virus
* Discuss how HIV can enter the bloodstream through small lacerations in the mouth, anus or vaginal tissues, or abrasions on the skin
* Emphasize that HIV can be present in pre-cum and menstrual blood
* Discuss how other STDs, like herpes, can be transmitted through contact with open sores
* Explain that some STDs, like HPV, are often symptom-free and that herpes can be transmitted just prior to an outbreak
* Provide a list of high risk sexual activities, including:
    - unprotected cunnilingus during menstruation
    - unprotected anal intercourse and rimming
    - unprotected vagina/penis intercourse
* Provide a list of medium risk behaviors, including:
    - unprotected cunnilingus when a woman is not bleeding
    - unprotected fellatio
    - finger-fucking or fisting without a glove
* Provide a list of low risk behaviors, including:
    - French kissing (wet kissing)
    - hand jobs
    - protected penetration
    - protected oral sex
* Provide a list of risk-free behaviors, including:
    - tribadism (dry humping)
    - fantasy
    - masturbation (only touching yourself)
    - voyeurism and exhibitionism (watching or being watched)
    - phone sex and computer sex
* Remind the reader to use condoms on dildos, vibrators, and sex toys
* Emphasize that toys should not be shared without changing the condom or cleaning them with an anti-bacterial cleanser
* Explain that any toy used for anal play requires a fresh condom before being used for vaginal play

Response:
##  Play Safe

Some sexual practices are riskier than others. Semen and blood carry the highest concentration of the HIV virus, which can enter your bloodstream via small lacerations in the mouth, anus or vaginal tissues, or abrasions on the skin. Don't forget that HIV can be present in pre-cum and menstrual blood.

Other STDs, like herpes, can be transmitted through contact with open sores. However, just because you don't see an open sore on your partner's genitals does not mean you are free from risk. Some STDs, like HPV, are often symptom-free. And herpes can be transmitted just prior to an outbreak. (HPV, the virus that causes genital warts, has also been linked to cervical cancer.)

High risk sexual activities include unprotected cunnilingus during menstruation (going down on a women during her period), unprotected anal intercourse and rimming (mouth-to-anus sex), and unprotected vagina/penis intercourse.

Vaginal fluids carry a lower concentration of HIV. So medium-risk behaviors include unprotected cunnilingus when a woman is not bleeding, unprotected fellatio (giving head), and finger-fucking or fisting without a glove.

Low-risk behaviors include French kissing (wet kissing), hand jobs, protected penetration, and protected oral sex.

Sexual behaviors that are risk-free include tribadism (dry humping), fantasy, masturbation (only touching yourself), voyeurism and exhibitionism (watching or being watched). Phone sex and computer sex are also sexual activities free of the risk of STDs.

Use condoms on dildos, vibrators, and sex toys. Do not share your toys without changing the condom or cleaning them with an anti-bacterial cleanser. Remember that any toy you've used for anal play requires a fresh condom before you use it for vaginal play.


Input:
 Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" about the importance of regular pelvic exams for survivors of sexual abuse. Include the following points:

* Emphasize the importance of regular pelvic exams for reproductive and sexual health
* Acknowledge the challenges survivors may face in getting pelvic exams
* Encourage the reader to bring a supportive friend to their appointments
* Advise the reader to advocate for themselves until they find a gynecologist who will listen to their needs
* Remind the reader that their long-term health, including the prevention or early detection of cancer, depends upon them taking care of themselves in this way
* Suggest that the reader begin by getting tested for HIV and other STDs
* Provide information on finding free, confidential testing in most cities through hospitals and STD clinics
* Advise the reader to check their local yellow pages and newspapers for testing locations
* Encourage the reader to ask their gynecologist to test them for STDs like herpes and chlamydia.

Response:
##  Check Yourself Out

Get a regular pelvic exam to care for your reproductive and sexual health. I know this is challenging for many survivors, but it is a must do, and a challenge worth taking on. Take a supportive friend with you. Advocate for yourself until you find a gynecologist who will listen to your needs. Your long-term health, including the prevention or early detection of cancer, depends upon you taking care of yourself in this way.

You can begin by getting tested for HIV and other STDs. You can find free, confidential testing in most cities though hospitals and STD clinics. Check your yellow pages and local newspapers. Ask your gynecologist to test you for STDs like herpes and chlamydia.


Input:
 Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" about how to get comfortable with using barriers, such as condoms, female condoms, gloves, or dental dams. Include the following points:

* Acknowledge that many people are uncomfortable with using barriers at first
* Encourage the reader to buy a variety of barriers and bring them home to play with
* Advise the reader to open the packages and check out how the barriers feel, smell, and taste
* Suggest becoming familiar with the barriers to lose inhibitions
* Remind the reader that practicing at home is often easier than practicing on a date
* Encourage the reader to eroticize latex and other safer-sex barriers
* Suggest including safer sex in fantasies
* Ask the reader to think of creative ways to make latex sexy.

Response:
##  Make It Sexy

Many people are uncomfortable with using barriers at first. The best way to get comfortable with barriers is to go out and buy a bunch. Bring them home and play with them. Open the packages of condoms, female condoms, gloves, or dental dams and check them out. How do they feel, smell, taste? Become familiar with them—you'll lose your inhibitions. Practicing at home is often easier than practicing on your date! You can also eroticize latex and other safer-sex barriers. Soon the sound of your partner snapping on a latex glove will evoke memories of a very good time! Try including safer sex in your fantasies. How many ways can you find to make latex sexy?


Input:
  Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Getting Started" that introduces the exercises at the end of each chapter. Include the following points:

* Welcome the reader to their continuing journey
* Explain that the exercises at the end of each chapter are designed to help the reader personalize and make use of the information in each chapter
* Encourage the reader to share their process and discoveries with at least one other person
* Suggest sharing responses to the exercises or doing them together
* Include a quote from a survivor about how the healing process has improved their sex life.

Response:
#  Getting Started

Welcome to your continuing journey! The Sex Guide Exercises at the end of each chapter are designed to help you personalize and make use of the information in each chapter. They will help walk you through your process of sexual healing. I encourage you to share your process and discoveries with at least one other person. You can share your responses to the exercises or do them together.

> > I think survivors who have done their healing have some of the best sex lives
>  around. We have to look at, and deal with, heal, and redefine sex for ourselves.
>  We do all this healing work that most people really need to do, survivors or
>  not.
>
>
> Stephanie


Input:
 Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Sex Guide Exercises" that includes the following reflection questions and activities for readers:

* Reflect on "Why heal sexually?" and write about what they want to gain from it, how their life will be different and more satisfying, and how they will know when they've achieved their goals
* Explore the difference between safety and comfort and give examples of experiences in which they were safe yet uncomfortable
* Practice building an internal sense of safety by identifying sensations and feelings that give them a sense of safety, settledness, or resourcefulness
* Examine their current support system for sexual healing, including self-care and community support, and reflect on what additional support they need
* Explore their own attitudes and biases regarding sex, including making a list of what they think is healthy and not healthy regarding consensual sex and discussing their list with a friend
* Consider the sources of their beliefs about sex and whether there is more to learn about anything on their list of "not healthy" sexual activities.

Response:
#  Sex Guide Exercises

Reflect on the following questions. Write about them in your journal and have a conversation about them with a support person.

> 1\. Why heal sexually? What do you want to gain from it? How will your life be different and more satisfying? How will you know when you've gotten what you want?

> 2\. What is safety to you? What is the difference between safety and comfort? What are examples of experiences in which you were safe yet uncomfortable?

> 3\. Practice building an internal sense of safety. What sensations and feelings in your body give you a sense of safety, settledness, or resourcefulness? Where do you feel that now?

> 4\. What support do you have now to assist you in your sexual healing? a. Self-care: journal writing, positive self-talk, ability to feel your emotions, eating well and exercising, somatic practices, spiritual practice. b. Community support: peer support group, therapist, friends you can talk to about sex and recovery.

> 5\. What do you need to support your sexual healing? What actions can you take to build this network of support? Think big. Go beyond the bare minimum requirements for survival. Imagine having all the support you possibly could use. What would that be?

> 6\. Take a look at your own attitudes and biases regarding sex. Make a list of what you think is healthy and not healthy regarding consensual sex. Discuss your list with a friend. Be sure to include issues of sexual orientation, what you consider appropriate sexual expression for women, fantasy, monogamy and nonmonogamy, abstinence, anal sex, religious beliefs, bondage, sadomasochism (S/M), cross-dressing, etc. This is an opportunity to explore your own beliefs about sex and sexual expression.

Where do these ideas about sex come from? Where did you learn what you believe? Is there more for you to learn about anything on your list? Do you know anyone who practices any of the consensual activities that you listed as "not healthy"? This is an opportunity to explore and learn more about your own beliefs and values, those you want to keep and those you may want to change.


Input:
 Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Discovering Your Pleasure and Desire" that includes the following information and reflections for readers:

* Explain how allowing oneself to experience pleasure and desire might not come naturally to survivors of childhood sexual abuse, as they have not had the opportunity to learn about their own desires in a safe and healthy way.
* Share a reflection from a survivor, Cindy, about her fear of desiring and how she just takes what comes to her in sex without considering her own wants and needs.
* Address common beliefs among survivors, such as feeling that they are not allowed to have sexual pleasure, that liking sex as an adult means they must have liked it as a child, and that this makes the abuse their fault.
* Include data on how many survivors experience depression as a symptom of sexual abuse and how antidepressants can affect libido, referencing a survivor, Kathy, who shares her experience of learning about her sexuality while on antidepressants and how she became more sensual and sexual with herself during that time.
* Offer advice for survivors who are taking antidepressants or considering it, such as talking to their practitioner about possible effects on libido and exploring options for increasing libido, such as testosterone patches.
* Address the potential for feelings of guilt and confusion around desires that may mimic the abuse survivors endured, offering reassurance that there is a difference between childhood sexual abuse and adult consensual sex.
* Encourage survivors to learn to differentiate sex from abuse and to explore their own desire from the inside out, educating themselves about the different options for expressing their sexuality.

Response:
#  Discovering Your Pleasure and Desire

Allowing yourself your own desire might not come naturally to you if you were sexually abused as a kid. Incest and childhood sexual abuse give you lots of practice in suffering, checking out, and enduring, and not a lot of experience of pleasure. You may have to learn to tolerate the feelings of pleasure and desire all over again.

Through sexual abuse, you learned to satisfy someone else's desires without your own boundaries, needs, or wants even entering the picture. You did not get the chance to experience the evolution of your own sexual desires, in your own time, based on your own needs. How, then, can you be familiar with your own desires now?

> > I am afraid to desire. I just take what comes and deal with that. That is what
>  I do with sex, I realize, too. Whatever he wants…well, that's okay. It is too
>  scary to think about what I want.
>
>
> Cindy

For some survivors, having any sexual desire is the first challenge. Your experiences may have convinced you that you are not allowed to have sexual pleasure or be happy and excited about your sex life. You may be convinced that liking sex as an adult means you must have liked it as a kid, too. If you liked it then, it wasn't really abuse, and this whole thing must be your fault, right?

> > I am just not turned on. I don't feel sexual desire.
>
> Carla

Just so you know, this isn't true. Enjoying sexual pleasure does not make you bad and does not make the abuse your fault. Your sexual feelings are a testimony to your ability to hold onto yourself through extremely adverse conditions—and proof of your healing.

> A Depressed Libido
>
> Many survivors experience depression as a symptom of sexual abuse. Some seek out antidepressants and other medication to help along the way. Most antidepressants decrease your sex drive. Many survivors taking antidepressants report little interest in sex, and an increased libido when they go off of the medication.
>
>> Anti-depressants did affect my libido.
>  I wasn't as interested. I used it as a
>  time, though, to learn about my
>  sexuality, not being so intent on
>  coming. I read sex information
>  books, I touched and massaged my
>  body, I became more sensual and
>  really more sexual with myself.
>
>
> Kathy
>
> If you are taking antidepressants or considering it, talk with your practitioner about their possible effect on your libido. You can try various types of anti-depressants to see which gives you the best results. For survivors who choose to stay on antidepressants long term, you can get a testosterone patch from your doctor, which tends to increase libido. Talk to your prescribing physician about your options and the side effects of both antidepressants and testosterone patches.

Components of your desire may scare you because they mimic the abuse you endured. You may find the dynamics of power and surrender to be a turn-on. Nothing is wrong with this. The difference between childhood sexual abuse and adult consensual sex is that in adult sex, both partners are matured sexually and have the ability to make choices for themselves. In consensual sex, you are not being coerced, manipulated, or misused. Both partners' needs, boundaries, and desires are considered.

> > I was orally raped as a girl. I really
>  like oral sex today, but I feel guilty.
>  Don't I just like this because I was
>  abused this way?…I was abused
>  almost every way you can have
>  sex…so I guess that doesn't leave
>  me many options.
>
>
> Dede

Those of us who have been sexually abused may mistake sexual energy for abuse itself. Part of your job in healing will be to learn to differentiate sex from abuse. Just like money, sexual energy can be used for beneficial or destructive ends.

Luckily, finding and exploring your own desire is a learnable process, one that many people embrace as a lifelong commitment to themselves. First, come into your body, your feelings and sensations to find desire from the inside out. Then, educate yourself. What are all the different options for expressing my sexuality? What do people do, anyway?


Input:
  Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Desire Is in Your Body" that includes the following information and guidance for readers:

* Emphasize that true desires come from feelings and sensations within the body.
* Explain how, in the process of avoiding pain and betrayal, survivors may also miss out on feelings of excitement, desire, and pleasure.
* Encourage readers to come back into their bodies and reoccupy themselves from the inside out as the essential step in discovering their sexual desires.
* Remind readers that they are their bodies, and their thoughts, sensations, feelings, emotions, and even spiritual longings take place within their bodies.
* Provide an exercise for readers to practice paying attention to physical feelings and sensations, such as feeling their legs, feet on the ground, and sensations in their chest or stomach.
* Encourage readers to bring their attention into their bodies and notice where they feel sexual pleasure or arousal the next time they experience it.

Response:
#  Desire Is in Your Body

Your true desires reside in your body as feelings and sensations. Your sensations let you know that you are excited by someone, something, or an idea. When you shut down to avoid feelings of pain and betrayal, you also miss feelings of excitement, desire, and pleasure. Coming back into your body, reoccupying yourself from the inside out, is the most essential step in discovering your sexual desires. You are your body. Your thoughts take place in your body, along with your sensations, feelings, emotions, and even your spiritual longings and inspiration. Practice paying attention to physical feelings and sensations.

Let's say you are at work, sitting at your desk or standing behind the counter. Can you feel your legs? Your feet on the ground? What are the sensations you notice in your chest or stomach? Try this now. The next time you are feeling sexual pleasure or arousal, bring your attention into your body. Notice where in your body you feel sexual.


Input:
 Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "The Pelvic Rock" that includes the following instructions and guidance for readers:

* Encourage readers to lie on their backs with their feet on the floor, knees bent, and place a mat or folded blanket underneath them for comfort.
* Instruct readers to let their bodies settle onto the floor and bring their attention into their body, focusing on the sensations in their bodies.
* Advise readers to drop their breath into their belly and breathe deeply for at least three breaths before starting the pelvic rock exercise.
* Explain the pelvic rock exercise, which involves slowly rocking the pelvis forward and back, bringing the pubic bone toward the belly button and then rocking it back toward the ground.
* Encourage readers to continue the pelvic rock exercise for at least three minutes, focusing on staying in their bodies and feeling their sensations.
* Address the various responses readers may have to the exercise, including sexual arousal, floating out, or thinking about something else.
* Encourage readers to notice their thoughts but not let them draw their attention away from their feelings and the sensations in their bodies.
* Explain how readers' emotional responses to this exercise can provide information about what in them needs to heal, and it is okay to cry or get angry during the exercise.
* Instruct readers to match their breathing to the pelvic movement, inhaling as they arch their back and exhaling as they bring their pelvis toward their belly button.
* Encourage readers to try increasing the speed of the rocking and practice getting to a point where they feel slightly uncomfortable, then stay with that feeling.
* Explain how this exercise will help readers increase their tolerance for their own sexual energy, get in touch with their own desire, and free up their pelvis and genitals, allowing movement and sensation back into this part of their bodies.

Response:
##  The Pelvic Rock

Lie on your back with your feet on the floor, knees bent. Place a mat or folded blanket underneath you so that you are comfortable. Let your body settle onto the floor and bring your attention into your body. Notice the sensations in your body. Drop your breath into your belly. Breathe deeply. Do this for at least three breaths before you start the rock.

Next, begin to slowly rock your pelvis forward and back. Bring your pubic bone toward your belly button, then rock it back toward the ground. Your lower back will press into the floor and then arch away from the floor. This looks like and might feel like a sexual motion. Slowly continue to rock your pelvis back and forth, focusing on staying in your body, feeling your sensations. Do this for at least three minutes.

You will probably have all kinds of responses to this. You might feel sexually aroused. Great! You might notice that you float out or start thinking about something else. Notice your thoughts, but don't let them draw your attention away from your feelings and the sensations in your body. Your emotional response to this exercise will give you information about what in you needs to heal. You may cry or get angry. Let that come, too.

Now match your breathing to the pelvic movement. Inhale as you arch your back and exhale as you bring your pelvis toward your belly button. You can try increasing the speed of the rocking. How does this change your response? Practice getting to a point where you feel slightly uncomfortable, and then stay with that feeling. This exercise will help you increase your tolerance for your own sexual energy and help you get in touch with your own desire. You will also free up your pelvis and genitals, allowing movement and sensation back into this part of you.


Input:
 Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Genital Healing" that includes the following instructions and guidance for readers:

* Encourage readers to lie comfortably on their backs, with their knees up and feet on the floor, and settle onto the ground and into their bodies and sensations.
* Instruct readers to breathe into their bellies, deepening their breath, and keep their attention on the feelings and sensations in their bodies.
* Advise readers to rub their hands together to bring some heat and energy into them.
* Instruct readers to place one hand gently onto their genitals and let the warmth of their hand radiate into their genitals and pelvis.
* Encourage readers to imagine their genitals thawing, relaxing, and more life returning to them, and to imagine their genitals healing.
* Instruct readers to keep breathing all the way down into their pelvis and genitals and keep their attention in their bodies.
* Give readers the option to place their other hand on their heart or over their lower abdomen just above their pubic bone.
* Encourage readers to try this exercise for five minutes per session.

Response:
##  Genital Healing

Here is another exercise to help you come back into your body and your sexual desire. Again, lie comfortably on your back, with your knees up, feet on the floor. Settle onto the ground and into your body and sensations. Breathe into your belly, deepening your breath. Keep your attention on the feelings and sensations in your body.

Next, rub your hands together to bring some heat and energy into them. When you are ready, place one hand gently onto your genitals. Let the warmth of your hand radiate into your genitals and pelvis. You could imagine them thawing or relaxing, and more life returning to them. Imagine them healing. Keep breathing all the way down into your pelvis and genitals, and keep your attention in your body.

If you choose, you can place your other hand on your heart or over your lower abdomen just above your pubic bone.

Try this for five minutes per session.


Input:
 Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Your Sexual Self-Education" that includes the following guidance for readers:

* Encourage readers to reflect on where they learned about sex and desire, who taught them about their bodies, and what their family, abuser, school, or religious affiliations taught them about sex and about their sexuality in particular.
* Encourage readers to consider whether the information they learned is correct and whether it aligns with what they want to believe.
* Encourage readers to increase their knowledge about sex and desire by reading the remainder of the book, talking to their friends, and reading other people's accounts of sex.
* Provide examples of resources for learning about sex and desire, such as women's erotica, sex manuals, print magazines, and erotic videos.
* Encourage readers to consider the context in which pornography is made, including issues of consent, economic independence, and abuses against women in the industry.
* Encourage readers to support woman-run sex stores and resources, and provide examples of stores and websites in various cities.

Response:
#  Your Sexual Self-Education

Where did you learn about sex and desire? Who taught you about your body? What did your family, your abuser, your school or religious affiliations teach you about sex and about your sexuality in particular? Is this what you want to believe? Do you think the information you learned is correct? These questions provide a good beginning for your sexual self-education.

There are lots of ways now to increase your knowledge about sex and desire. For starters, the remainder of this book is filled with information about sex and various sexual styles. You can also learn about sex by talking to your friends. Ask them what they like, what they don't like, and why. Ask them what is easy for them about sex and what is difficult, and how their sex lives have changed over time. Most people are relieved to have an opportunity to talk honestly about sex and desire.

You can also read other people's accounts of sex. We are currently enjoying a boom in women's erotica. Annual series, such as Herotica, edited by Marcy Sheiner, Best American Erotica, edited by Susie Bright, and Best Lesbian Erotica, edited by Tristan Taormino, are great starting points for your research. You'll find stories featuring everything from suggestive sensuality to explicit S/M and bondage. Try reading about sex styles that attract you as well as those that differ from yours. You'll find quite an array of erotica titles in the bibliography, which also lists some great sex manuals, such as The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans. Here you can find positive and accurate sex information that treats sex as a normal part of being human. If you do not have access to erotica or sex manuals in your area, check out the mail-order companies listed in the Resources.

Don't overlook print magazines like On Our Backs, Diva, and Hues. If you prefer to surf your sex, The Women's Guide to Sex on the Web will point you to women's erotica sites.

Watching erotic videos is another way to learn about sex and desire. You can find heterosexual, gay, and lesbian pornography. You can even find videos that match a special interest or fetish. And you can watch videos made by women like Candida Royalle, Nina Hartley, and Annie Sprinkle. Some of these look like traditional pornography and some have a very different aesthetic. There are also lesbians making pornography about lesbians—quite a leap from the traditional woman-on-woman sex scenes in mainstream pornography.

> What Do You Think?
>
> People have strong opinions about pornography. Here's mine: I do not find anything "wrong" with sex on film. Porn can be hot, interesting, and erotic. The complications come when we look at the context in which porn is made. We still live in a society in which women earn far less than men for the same work. Children who report sexual abuse are not believed, rape victims are put on trial, and sexually powerful women are suspect.
>
>>
>
>
> The pornography industry for the most part is run by and profits men. There are abuses perpetrated against women in the pornography industry, as in many others. Yet many talented women work in the sex industry by choice as directors, producers, and actresses. The key issues, for me, are consent and economic independence. My wish for women in the sex industry is that they profit from their work—personally and financially—and fully enjoy sexual self-determination.
>
>
>
>
> What do you think?

Some people try to make a distinction between pornography and erotica, but no one seems to be able to come up with definitions we can all agree on. I use the terms interchangeably.

Visit your friendly woman-run sex store to shop for erotic books and videos. The resource section of this book lists stores in New York, Boston, Toronto, Vancouver, Madison, Seattle, San Francisco, Austin, and other cities, along with "virtual shops" on the Web.


Input:
 Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Virgins and Whores" that discusses the following topics:

* The diverse and varied nature of sexual desire and expression over time and across cultures. Provide historical examples of sex and desire in ancient Chinese texts and tribal cultures.
* The changing views on sex and desire in the West, including the use of vibrators for medical purposes and as novelty items.
* The societal model that permits women to be either "virgins" or "whores," and the negative consequences of this model, including the idea that a woman who enjoys sex is considered a "whore."
* The idea that a "virgin" in its root definition means "she who is not owned by another," and the importance of developing virginal sex lives in which women are self-possessed.
* The contradictory and confusing messages women receive about their sexual desirability and the importance of being true to oneself and one's own desires.
* A quote from a survivor of sexual abuse about the process of wading through the negative messages about sex and discovering one's own "off-limits" territory around sexuality.
* The idea that the sexual norms we inherit bear little resemblance to what people actually do, and the importance of being honest about our actual sexual practices, relationships, affairs, and desires.
* The prevalence of same-sex erotic experiences and the changing expectations of lifelong, monogamous, heterosexual marriage as the norm.
* The fact that most people practice serial monogamy and nonmonogamy, and the importance of consensual nonmonogamy (also called polyamory) as an arrangement that is chosen by the primary partners in a sexual relationship.

Response:
##  Virgins and Whores

Sexual desire and expression are amazingly diverse, varying vastly over time and from culture to culture. Ancient Chinese texts on sexuality noted twelve specific names for different depths of the vagina. Each was named for its unique sensation, and instructions were included on how to best touch that particular area. In the earliest of these texts, women were the teachers of sexual knowledge. In other tribal cultures, older women instructed young women in female ejaculation, orgasm, and different positions for sex in preparation for marriage and initiation into womanhood.

In the West, views on sex and desire have changed over time as well. In the early twentieth century, vibrators were sold to physicians as medical devices that were used on women to cure "hysteria." Basically, women were going to the doctor for an orgasm. Vibrators later became novelty items, and now very few people tell the sales clerk just what they are going to use that new back massager for!

Most of us are familiar with the model of women's sexuality that permits us to be either virgins or whores. As women, we are not supposed to like sex, much less be fully expressed sexually on our own terms. (Quite a radical thought, huh?) A sexually expressed woman is considered a whore. Yet while we are not supposed to relish our own pleasures, we are supposed to be compelling sexual creatures, satisfying our partners. We are constantly acknowledged or disregarded in relation to our sexual desirability. This is quite a contradictory and confusing message.

In fact, the word virgin in its root definition means "she who is not owned by another." Being virginal in its authentic definition has nothing to do with having had sex or not. A virgin is a woman who is self-possessed. May we all develop virginal sex lives.

> > First I had to wade through what my perpetrators told me about sex. Then I had to sort through the church and my neighborhood, what they think. It came off like layers, and I saw more and more of me. The piece I am working with now is my own "off-limits" territory around sexuality. There are these places I want to explore but am afraid to let myself. It keeps coming back to me being like them [the perpetrators] if I really like sex.
>
> Sheila

What's even crazier is that the sexual norms we inherit bear little resemblance to what people actually do. I think it would be great if everyone told the truth—for one moment—about their actual sexual practices and relationships, affairs and arrangements, fantasies and desires. The diversity would amaze us all.

We are still taught that heterosexuality is the norm and that only a few people practice same-sex eroticism. Yet in 1990, The Kinsey Institute reported that 35 to 50 percent of men and about 55 percent of women had same-sex erotic experiences.

While we are slowly changing our expectations of lifelong, monogamous, heterosexual marriage as the norm, the fact is this has not been the practice of most people for centuries. Today, most people practice serial monogamy and nonmonogamy. We can look at divorce rates and media coverage of extramarital affairs for evidence of this. Look at your own circle of friends and colleagues to get the picture. Some people practice consensual nonmonogamy, also called polyamory, an arrangement that is chosen by the primary partners in a sexual relationship. Sadly, most people still practice the nonconsensual kind.


Input:
 Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "The Complexity of Desire" that discusses the following topics:

* The idea that desire is not a simple or consistent emotion, but rather a complex and multifaceted experience that can be full of contradictions.
* The tendency of survivors of childhood sexual abuse to try to rid themselves of these contradictions in an attempt to make their desires simpler or more "normal."
* The idea that healthy sexuality embraces contradiction, and that it is possible to hold two or more seemingly opposite emotions or desires at the same time.
* The idea that there is no "normal" sexuality in the sense of matching cultural agendas, and that human sexuality is more complex than stereotypes imply.
* The importance of giving oneself room for all aspects of one's sexuality, including feelings of desire, shame, guilt, and ease.
* A quote from a survivor of sexual abuse about their experiences with pornography and intense, rough sex, and their attempts to avoid judging their desires or finding a "right" answer.

Response:
#  The Complexity of Desire

Desire is not a tidy little package that stays consistent over time. Desire in fact is multifaceted and full of contradictions.

This can be particularly true for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I find that many survivors try to rid themselves of these contradictions in an attempt to make their desires simpler, more "normal." I am not sure that anyone's sexuality is "normal" in the sense of matching cultural agendas. Human sexuality is more complex than the stereotypes imply.

Healthy sexuality embraces contradiction. This means that two or more seemingly opposite emotions or desires can be held at the same time. You may feel intense desire and shame at the same time. Sex and desire for you may hold both guilt and ease. You may want to be loved tenderly, to touch softly and be held, while another part of you wants to bite, whip, or tie someone up.

> > It is weird with pornography…sometimes it really turns me on and other times
>  I find it rather repulsive. I feel this way about some of the more intense and
>  rough sex I have. I love it in the mix and feel guilty afterward sometimes. I try
>  not to judge it anymore or try to find the "right" answer. I try to give myself
>  room for all of it.
>
>
> Melanie


Input:
  Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Owning Your Desire" that discusses the following topics:

* The idea that everyone has an opinion about sex and that many people and institutions are happy to tell you what your desires should be.
* The importance of deciding for yourself what your desires are, rather than having someone else decide for you.
* The fact that many people's desires fall outside of the heterosexual, monogamous, married, missionary-position style for sexual expression.
* The idea that it is important to own your desire and take responsibility for discovering what fits for you sexually.
* A list of terms related to sexual diversity, including bisexual, celibate, gay, heterosexual, lesbian, marriage, monogamous, nonmonogamous, pansexual, polyamorous, S/M, serial monogamy, tantra, transgendered, transsexual, transvestite, and vanilla.
* Examples of what some women find desirable, including the idea that there is no "right" way of having consensual sex and that it is important to choose options that help to heal, empower, and support you.
* A quote from someone about the importance of owning their desire and setting up their sex life according to their own rules.

Response:
##  Owning Your Desire

Sex is one of those aspects of human experience that everyone has an opinion about. Lots of people and institutions—such as your family, church or synagogue, the media, and even your women's rugby team—will be happy to tell you what your desires are or should be. What it comes down to is this: Will you decide for yourself or have someone else do it for you? You may take some heat if your desire falls outside of the heterosexual, monogamous, married, missionary-position style for your sexual expression. Well, most people's desires fall outside of this narrow frame. No wonder we so rarely speak up about our sexual desires! Even if married, missionary-position sex is your favorite—which is fine—you may have other desires that don't fit this expression.

> Sexual Diversity
>
> Bisexual: Having sexual desire, interest, and/or activity with people of both sexes.
>
>>
>
>
> Celibate: Choosing to not engage sexually with another and/or with oneself.
>
>
>
>
> Gay: Having sexual desire, interest, and/or activity with people of one's own sex; often refers specifically to men.
>
>
>
>
> Heterosexual: Having sexual desire, interest, and/or activity with people of the opposite sex.
>
>
>
>
> Lesbian: For women, having sexual desire, interest, and/or activity with other women.
>
>
>
>
> Marriage: A legal and/or social contract declaring an emotional and financial commitment to a relationship. In most of the world, only heterosexuals are allowed to be married legally.
>
>
>
>
> Monogamous: Choosing to be sexual with only one other person.
>
>
>
>
> Nonmonogamous: Choosing to be sexual with more than one other person.
>
>
>
>
> Pansexual: Having sexual desires, interests, and behavior with all genders, sexual orientations and persuasions. Many people embrace this term in an attempt to broaden the categories of gay and straight, man and woman, S/M and vanilla.
>
>
>
>
> Polyamorous: Poly means many and amor love. Choosing to have sexual relations with more than one person. Some people prefer this term to nonmonogamous.
>
>
>
>
> S/M: Sadomasochism is a sexual practice which can include power play, intense sensation, pain, bondage, and role playing.
>
>
>
>
> Serial monogamy: Engaging in a series of monogamous sexual relations, one after the other.
>
>
>
>
> Tantra: A sexual practice which views sex as a sacred path of spiritual transcendence.
>
>
>
>
> Transgendered: An umbrella term, including transsexuals and transvestites, as well as others who identify as being differently-gendered. A transgendered person may identify as gay, heterosexual, lesbian, or pansexual.
>
>
>
>
> Transsexual: A person who identifies with and lives as a gender other than that assigned at birth. Transsexuals usually engage in some form of altering the physical body, such as hormone therapy or gender reassignment surgery. Female-to-male transsexuals (FTMs) identify as men, and male-to-female transsexuals (MTFs) identify as women. A transsexual may identify as gay, heterosexual, lesbian, or pansexual.
>
>
>
>
> Transvestite: A person who cross-dresses.
>
>
>
>
> Vanilla: A term used by S/M practitioners to describe non-S/M sex.

Following are some examples of what some women find desirable.

> > People used to think that the world was flat. That is how I was about sex. I thought sex was a sin and bad. When you stand in the plains, the world does look flat; you have to look from a bigger perspective to see that the world is round.
>
> Rona
>
>> I sometimes feel that my sexual desires are bad, grotesque, abnormal. This is connected to what I think a woman should be—my desires seem "unladylike."
>
> Louisa

Like other things we take for granted, our views on sex are influenced by social and historical forces, along with cultural heritage and religious beliefs. There is no "right" way of having consensual sex; rather, there are options you may or may not choose. Which options help to heal you? Which empower and support you? Owning your desire means that you take responsibility for discovering what fits for you sexually. You get to be the one who names the unique sexual expression that is yours. Grant yourself permission.

> > It was so amazing when I realized that I could really set up my sex life however
>  I wanted to…that I could run my sex life by my own rules. I had always felt
>  too guilty to like sex. What I really wanted was to date a number of people at
>  once, and I wanted to explore sexually. I did not know anything about me and
>  what I liked and wanted. I wanted to find out, so I started. Nonmonogamy has
>  been amazingly freeing for me. Oh, and I practice safe sex, too.
>
>
> Rebecca


Input:
Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Sex Guide Exercises" that includes the following:

* Four exercises that readers can do to better understand their own sexual desires and boundaries.
* The first exercise should involve taking a sexual self-inventory, including what the reader has experienced sexually up to now, what they liked and did not like, what they know about their sexuality, and what they would like to learn.
* The second exercise should involve creating a list of sexual activities and sorting them into three columns: "yes," "maybe," and "no." The "yes" column should include activities that the reader enjoys or thinks they would enjoy, the "maybe" column should include activities that the reader might be willing to try under certain circumstances, and the "no" column should include activities that the reader does not enjoy and does not want to explore.
* The third exercise should involve imagining a physically pleasurable activity, enlivening to the reader's senses, and describing the sensations they feel and how much pleasure or desire they can take in.
* The fourth exercise should involve identifying a sexual activity or fantasy that the reader would like to try and being explicit about what is stopping them from trying it out.
* Encourage the reader to have a conversation with a friend or therapist about what they wrote.

Response:
#  Sex Guide Exercises

Write about the following. Then, have a conversation with a friend or therapist about what you wrote.

> 1\. Take a sexual self-inventory. What have you experienced sexually up to now? What did you like? What did you not like? What do you know about your sexuality? What would you like to learn?

> 2\. Take a piece of paper and make three columns, titled "yes," "maybe" and "no." In the "yes" column, list all the sexual activities that you enjoy or think you would enjoy. In the "maybe" column, list all the sexual activities that you enjoy under certain circumstances or that you might be willing to try. In the "no" column, list all the sexual activities that you do not enjoy and do not want to explore. Include both masturbation and partner sex. Now, look at your lists. Which column most closely resembles your current sex life?

> 3\. Imagine an activity that is physically pleasurable to you, enlivening to your senses. It could be walking on warm sand, feeling the breeze against your face, touching your partner, having oral sex. Imagine yourself in that scene now. What kinds of sensations are you feeling while you experience this specific pleasure? Where in your body do you feel them? How much pleasure or desire can you take in?

> 4\. What sexual activity or fantasy would you like to try out? Be explicit. What's stopping you?


Input:
Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Dissociation" that includes the following:

* Two quotes from survivors of sexual abuse about their experiences with dissociation during sex.
* The first quote should be from a person named Hannah, who expresses confusion and discomfort at the idea of being present in her body during sex, as she has spent energy trying not to be there during sex.
* The second quote should be from a person named Kathy, who describes her ability to dissociate during sex through fantasy, thinking about unrelated topics, or other means.

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions.

Response:
chapter three

Dissociation

> > What do you, mean be in my body for sex? I spend my energy trying not to be there during sex.
>
> Hannah
>
>> What I am really best at sexually is checking out. I can do it through fantasy, thinking about fixing the car, or wondering what school my kids should go to—and I don't even have kids yet…
>
> Kathy


Input:
Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Checking Out" that includes the following:

* A definition of dissociation as "checking out" and a description of it as a normal and healthy response to trauma, emphasizing that it is a creative and self-preserving attempt to manage the experience of being abused.
* A comparison of dissociation to an emotional immune system response that happens automatically without any conscious thought or control.
* An explanation that people who have experienced various types of traumas, such as domestic violence, rape, war, political imprisonment, and torture, all use dissociation as a survival tool.
* A quote from Judith Lewis Herman's book "Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror" that discusses the psychological distress symptoms of traumatized people and how they alternate between feeling numb and reliving the event.

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions.

Response:
#  Checking Out

Dissociation is "checking out." It is crawling out of your skin to get away when there is no other way to get away. Dissociation is a normal and healthy response to trauma. It is a creative and self-preserving attempt to manage the experience of being abused. As a child, you tried to distance yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually from the pain, manipulation, and betrayal of sexual abuse. Dissociation is a survival tool, and a good one at that. You would not have survived as intact as you are had you not dissociated.

I have come to think of dissociation as a kind of emotional immune system response. When a virus invades your body, your immune system acts automatically to preserve your health. You do not have to send out any kind of alert or instructions. Dissociation also happens without us thinking about it or having control over it.

People experiencing very different types of traumas report the same experience of dissociation. Survivors of domestic violence and rape, war veterans, political prisoners, and torture survivors all use dissociation as a survival tool. If the trauma or betrayal is too much for the psyche to process at that time, some level of distancing from the event takes place.

> The ordinary response to atrocities is to banish them from consciousness. Certain violations of the social compact are too terrible to utter aloud: this is the meaning of the word unspeakable.
>
> The psychological distress symptoms of traumatized people simultaneously call attention to the existence of an unspeakable secret and deflect attention from it. This is most apparent in the way traumatized people alternate between feeling numb and reliving the event.
>
>>
>
>
> Judith Lewis Herman, M.D.,
>  Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath
>  of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to
>  Political Terror
>


Input:
Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Dissociation over Time" that includes the following:

* An explanation of dissociation as a temporary survival technique that allows one to escape immediate pain and fear, but does not lead to the processing or healing of the trauma.
* A description of the emotional responses to sexual abuse as remaining in the body, waiting to be addressed during recovery, with the possibility of experiencing a "thawing out" or reintegrating as one returns to oneself and reoccupies one's own body.
* A discussion of how dissociation may continue even after the danger has passed and its usefulness is no longer needed, with examples of survivors who still feel as though they are out of their bodies, especially in response to closeness, intensity, fear, or sexuality.
* Include quotes from survivors, such as Shandell and Henrietta, to illustrate these points.

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions.

Response:
##  Dissociation over Time

The funny thing about dissociation is that it is a temporary survival technique. Although you get away from the immediate pain and fear, the trauma does not get processed or healed by dissociating. It remains with you, to be attended to at a safer time. Dissociation is designed to get you through and out of the traumatic event. The healing of the trauma comes later.

The emotional responses to sexual abuse remain in your body, awaiting your attention. During recovery you have the chance to reintegrate, to feel and come to peace with these bodily held traumatic experiences. You may experience a kind of thawing out as you return to yourself, melting back into your own body and reoccupying your own skin.

A tricky thing about dissociation is that it can continue long after the danger is over and its usefulness has passed. Dissociation becomes so practiced that you can find yourself leaving your body even when you are not in danger.

> > I have found so many "parts" of me that have no idea that the abuse has ended.
>  They are on continuous red alert, awaiting the next attack.
>
>
> Shandell

Many survivors come to believe that being dissociated—or out of your body—is the safest and sometimes the only safe way to live. Even if you know you are safe, dissociation may still be your automatic response to closeness, intensity, fear, or sexuality. Dissociating comes to be what feels natural.

> > I still sometimes find myself floating outside of my body as if I am walking behind myself. This happens particularly when I am scared or startled. It's like it is automatic, the first place I know to go to feel safe.
>
> Henrietta


Input:
Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Dissociation: How It Works" that includes the following:

* A description of the various ways dissociation occurs, such as floating out of one's body, going to a very small place, focusing on a small speck, or singing.
* Examples from survivors of how they experienced dissociation during their abuse, including quotes from Marie, Louisa, Carla, Akaya, and Liz.
* An explanation of how dissociation involves shallow breathing or holding one's breath, which sends the body into a form of shock, and how tensing muscles constricts the flow of blood and numbs sensations.
* A discussion of how some survivors dissociate from the feelings of the abuse but remember exactly what happened, and how this can cause them to minimize the abuse or believe it was "no big deal."
* Examples of this type of dissociation from Carolyn.
* An explanation of how dissociation can be as subtle as "spacing out" or as extreme as blocking the memory of the abuse entirely, known as traumatic amnesia.
* A description of how memories can return in many ways, such as body memories, disjointed pieces of information, or a full-video replay.
* An explanation of how re-embodying and thawing from dissociation are vital to healing one's sexuality, and how minimizing the abuse is another means of dissociating or distancing oneself from the pain.
* Examples of how survivors minimize their abuse, such as by comparing it to others' experiences, feeling they should be over it, or downplaying the severity of the abuse.
* An encouraging message about how acknowledging the impact of the abuse and feeling the associated pain can lead to healing and a greater appreciation of one's own resources, resilience, and courage.

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions.

Response:
##  Dissociation: How It Works

Dissociation happens in lots of ways that are actually fairly predictable. Some survivors report floating out of their bodies and watching the abuse from the other side of the room. Others talk about going deep inside to a very small place, where no one could find them, touch them, or get them.

> > My brother abused my sisters and me. I remember several times I had out-of-body experiences. I felt as if I were sitting on the window sill, watching. That's also what I felt like when I started having sex. I just wasn't there.
>
> Marie
>
>> My baby-sitter abused me when I was in first and second grade. He said it was a game and that I'd like it. He'd make me change into my nightgown and do a headstand against the wall. Then he'd stick his fingers in my vagina. I bought his story. I abandoned myself by not trusting my own instricts and feelings about what was happening.
>
> Louisa

Still others tell about focusing on a very small speck on the ceiling or singing or talking themselves into another world.

> > I would hear my dad walking across my bedroom. I would face the wall pretending I was asleep, holding my eyes closed tight. No one taught me how to do this, but spontaneously in my mind I would start chanting, "This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't my dad, this isn't my dad." Over and over again I would do this. This would help me leave, go into some kind of altered state.
>
> Carla
>
>> My father often molested me after dinner when I was in my room doing schoolwork. Reading and schoolwork became my main means of escape. I would just focus on the reading or the math problem until he finished and go back to my schoolwork. I became so adept at this that one time I hardly set down the book.
>
> Akaya

We do things with our bodies to dissociate. Pretend you are scared or startled—what happens? Most likely you tense your muscles and hold your breath. Dissociation usually involves shallow breathing or holding your breath. Holding your breath sends your body into a form of shock. Tensing and holding your muscles constricts the flow of blood and can numb sensations. When you are under attack or afraid, adrenaline courses through your body. This also helps to numb sensation and sends your body into a fight, flight, or freeze response.

> > I would freeze whenever my uncle picked me up. My body would get tense all the way down to the bone. It was like he touched me and I quit breathing.
>
> Liz

Some survivors dissociated from the feelings of the abuse but visually remember exactly what happened. Many of these survivors believe that the abuse was "no big deal." By dissociating from their feelings during the abuse, they tried to minimize its emotional impact.

> > I always remembered what my mom would do to me and my brother. I just shrugged my shoulders like, "Whatever…she was just weird." What I didn't get is that there was actually a reason behind me feeling like I was tainted or something was wrong with me. There was a reason I did so many drugs and had sex with so many people.
>
> Carolyn

Dissociation can be as subtle as "spacing out" for a brief time or as extreme as blocking the memory of the abuse entirely. This is called traumatic amnesia. You may have no recollection of the abuse whatsoever or only a vague sense that something happened. Or, you may know that you are terrified of a certain person or place—but have no idea why.

As the dissociation thaws, memories can return in many ways. You may experience "body memories," actually experiencing the pressures, sensations, and terror of the abuse, yet having no visual or narrative recollection of the events. You may remember disjointed pieces of information—places, people, or specific details. Some survivors have a full-video replay, remembering sights, sounds, feelings, and even smells. The specific type of recollection matters less than the healing that comes from it. Re-embodying and thawing from dissociation are vital to healing your sexuality. The numbers and types of memories are less significant.

Every survivor I have worked with minimizes the abuse in some way. "It was worse for someone else," "I should be over it," "What's the big deal? He just made me suck him off," are comments I hear over and over again. Minimizing sexual abuse is another means of dissociating or distancing yourself from the pain. To really acknowledge the impact of childhood sexual abuse, to really face how it has affected your life, means feeling the pain, anger, loss, and betrayal. The good news is that this heals you—and it gets you in touch with the enormous resources, resilience, and courage that got you through.


Input:
Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Dissociation and You" that includes the following:

* An explanation of how the ways you dissociated in the past to survive the abuse are likely the ways you continue to dissociate today, even when you consciously know you are safe.
* A statement about how your body is responding from habit when it dissociates.
* A discussion of how you can learn to notice how dissociation works and work with it, even though it can be frustrating.
* Questions for the reader to consider about their own experiences with dissociation, such as where they go when they dissociate, what they are thinking, what they say to themselves, and how the world looks to them when they are dissociated.
* Examples from survivors about their experiences with dissociation, including descriptions of how colors fade, how they try to make everything look okay, how they become easily distracted, how they can't feel their body, how they feel floaty, and how they hold their breath and go blank.

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions.

Response:
#  Dissociation and You

How can you tell when you are dissociated now? The ways that you dissociated in the past to survive the abuse are most likely the ways that you continue to dissociate today. It's as if your nervous system learned a certain route and uses it again and again to bring you to safety. This can be frustrating when you consciously know that you are safe and that the person you are having sex with is not your perpetrator, and still you respond by dissociating. Your body is responding from habit.

The good news about this automatic dissociation is that you can learn to notice how it works and then work with it. As you learn what happens for you when you dissociate, you can learn how to find your way back.

To start, consider what it's like when you check out. Where do you go? What are you thinking? What do you say to yourself? How does the world look to you when you are dissociated?

Following are examples from survivors:

> When I am dissociated, the vividness of things fades. The colors are less bright and everything feels distant or separate from me.
>
>>
>
>
> Instead of telling the truth, I try to make everything look okay. It feels like I am the only one who knows what is going on, and I'm faking out my lover. This is how I can tell that something must have scared me and I am going into survival mode.
>
>
>
>
> I am easily distracted, thinking of everything other than the sex I am having, like figuring out who's going to baby-sit the kids next week, and what I should do about a problem at work. I start to think a lot.
>
>
>
>
> I can't really feel my body anymore. I feel like I am floaty. I can't find me. Sometimes I look down at my arm and wonder if that is really mine.
>
>
>
>
> I hold my breath and just go blank. I can't think or feel.


Input:
Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Your Body and Dissociation" that includes the following:

* An encouragement for the reader to look for the body process that goes along with dissociation for them, including what is happening in their body when they dissociate.
* A suggestion to watch their breath as a good place to start, including questions about whether their breath is shallow or if they are holding their breath.
* A prompt to scan their body for sensations, including whether they can feel their arms and legs, if they feel any sensation in their back, and if they are tensing the muscles in their shoulders, pelvis, or genitals.
* Questions about which places in their body are blank or frozen, and which areas they do not want to inhabit.
* Examples from survivors about their experiences with dissociation and their bodies, including descriptions of holding their breath and tensing up, making the muscles around their pelvis and genitals really tight, feeling like they don't have genitals, and having trouble focusing on their lower back and ass.

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions.

Response:
##  Your Body and Dissociation

Now look for the body process that goes along with dissociation for you. What is happening in your body when you dissociate? Watching your breath is usually a good place to start. Is your breath shallow? Are you holding your breath?

What about the rest of your body? Can you feel your arms and legs? Do you feel any sensation in your back? Are you tensing the muscles in your shoulders, pelvis, or genitals? Does your lower body disappear? Scan through the rest of your body. Which places in your body are blank or frozen? Which areas do you not want to inhabit?

> > I hold my breath and tense up around my chest. Then, internally, it's like I am running around looking for a safe place to hide. My adrenaline starts pumping.
>
> Jeanie
>
>> I make the muscles around my pelvis and genitals really tight when I am afraid and start to space out. This usually goes along with holding my breath.
>
> Jennifer

You may find that you have little or no sensation in a particular part of your body. It may feel blank, numb, or void. This is an area to pay attention to. It may hold old tension and trauma from the abuse.

> > I have this idea that I don't have genitals. There is a brain part and a body part, and the body part, particularly my genitals, is detatched.
>
> Terri
>
>> I can hardly focus on my lower back and ass. I can stay there for a millisecond, and then I realize I've checked out again.
>
> Rona


Input:
Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "The Trigger" that includes the following:

* A prompt for the reader to think about what caused them to dissociate and if they can trace their experience back to the moment where they started dissociating.
* Questions for the reader about what they wanted to get away from and if they can notice the moment they started to dissociate.
* An example from a survivor about their experience with dissociation and masturbation, including feeling sexy and moving their hips, feeling a wave of shame, and wanting to get away.
* An explanation that dissociation is usually a move away from some overwhelming or uncomfortable sensation or emotion and that your body registers a feeling you perceive to be dangerous or threatening and helps you remove yourself to safety.
* An encouragement for the reader to learn what happens in their body when they dissociate and how and when they check out.
* A message of hope that the reader can learn how to notice dissociation as it is happening and not check out at all, and that they can develop a habit of bringing themselves back to themselves over and over again.

Response:
##  The Trigger

What caused you to dissociate? Can you trace your experience back to the moment where you started dissociating? What did you want to get away from? These questions may seem unanswerable at first. You may think, "I don't know, it just happens." You can learn to notice, however.

> > I was masturbating and realized I was checking out. I stopped and tried to see when I started to go away. I realized that as soon as I began to feel sexy and move my hips, I felt a wave of shame and then wanted to get away.
>
> Stephanie

Usually, dissociation is a move away from some overwhelming or uncomfortable sensation or emotion. Your body registers a feeling you perceive to be dangerous or threatening and helps you remove yourself to safety. Now that you are an adult and engaged in a process of healing, you are no longer in danger, however much you may feel afraid. Feeling these emotions and moving toward these sensations is your path to healing and having your life and sexuality back.

By learning what happens in your body when you dissociate, you can come to know the intricacies of how and when you check out. This then gives you options for how to check in again. Eventually you can learn how to notice dissociation as it is happening and not check out at all. You can develop a habit of bringing you back to yourself over and over again. You will find that you return more quickly and easily with practice.


Input:
Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "The Road Back: Healing Dissociation" that includes the following:

* An explanation that while dissociation helps you survive sexual abuse, coming back into yourself allows you to experience the full spectrum of being alive and to be present for sex.
* Questions about whether the reader can feel pleasure, connect with their partner, or even know what they want if they are not present.
* An example from a survivor named Jeanette about their experience with dissociation and how they felt safer in their head. They didn't want to feel their body or their feelings because it was too scary and out of control. They fell for someone and couldn't feel deeply. They couldn't feel much sexually and it was hard to stay present for it. They knew they loved this person and couldn't stand not being able to feel more, so they decided to learn how to be present.

I hope this helps you generate the prompts you need to continue your book. Let me know if you have any other questions or if there's anything else I can do for you.

Response:
#  The Road Back: Healing Dissociation

While dissociation helps you survive sexual abuse, coming back into yourself allows you to experience the full spectrum of being alive. Returning to your body lets you be there for sex. If you are not present, how can you feel pleasure, connect with your partner, or even know what you want?

> > For a long time life felt safer if I was in my head. I didn't want to feel my body
>  or my feelings because it was too scary and out of control. Too much of the
>  abuse would come up. I fell for this guy, though, and it was so hard to feel him
>  deeply. I couldn't feel much sexually and it was hard to stay there for it. I knew
>  I loved him, and I couldn't stand not being able to feel more. Finally it became
>  worth it to me to learn how to be here.
>
>
> Jeanette


Input:
Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Tracking" that includes the following:

* An explanation that as survivors begin to notice the various ways they dissociate, they will likely find a pattern or rhythm to it. There may be a consistent response in their body that lets them know they are dissociating, or they may say certain things to themselves, like "nothing matters anyway" or "I am worthless."
* Encouragement for the reader to review what they have discovered about their own dissociation and to notice the sensations in their body that go along with dissociating. They should also notice the places in their body they are dissociated from, areas that are blank, numb, or frozen. They should also pay attention to what they tell themselves when they go away and what sends them out.
* A request for the reader to begin to track their own route of dissociating.
* Examples of different ways individuals dissociate, including holding one's breath, losing track of most of their body and only feeling their head and shoulders, having thoughts that become very fast, getting tense in certain areas of the body, and getting angry and annoyed at everything.
* An explanation that knowing one's own dissociative states lets them recognize where they are, which is the first step in learning to come back. This is an important part of healing, as "to heal, you first have to become intimate with what is."

Response:
##  Tracking

As you begin to notice the various ways you dissociate and what that state is like for you, you'll probably find a pattern or rhythm to it. You may find a consistent response in your body that lets you know you are on your way out. You may also find that when you dissociate, you say things to yourself, like "nothing matters anyway" or "I am worthless." These patterns become recognizable and thus easier to notice and work with.

Review what you have discovered about your own dissociation. What are the sensations in your body that go along with checking out? Notice again the places in your body you are dissociated from, areas that are blank, numb, or frozen. What do you tell yourself when you go away? What sends you out? Begin to track your own route of dissociating.

Here are some examples:

> First I hold my breath. I lose track of most of my body and can only feel my head and shoulders. My thinking gets really fast. It is like I start to run around inside looking for a safe place to be. The world outside of me disappears and I get very internal.

I get tense all over, but especially in my shoulders and through my pelvis. My breathing is shallow, and I start to try to be really good. I kind of lose myself and pay attention to reading other people…What do they want from me? How should I act? I lose the internal sense of myself and get very other-focused.

My body will feel like it is something attached to me or not mine at all. I look down at myself and do not relate. I feel hazy or like my head is swimming. It is kind of scary. I notice that what triggers me is usually some emotion that gets too intense. It can be anger or pleasure.

My arms and neck get very tense. My jaws, too. I also get angry and annoyed at everything. I just want to push things and people away. I want it all to get away from me. It is like I want to get rid of all internal and external stimulation…have everything stop.

Knowing your own dissociative states lets you recognize where you are. From there, you can learn to come back. A wonderful friend of mine once said, "To heal, you first have to become intimate with what is." Knowing what you are like when you check out is doing just this.


Input:
 Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Returning" that includes the following:

* An explanation that noticing when you are dissociating is half the battle and to watch for your own signals, particularly those physical sensations that let you know you are going away.
* Instructions to drop your breath low in your body, down into your belly, and breathe. The reader should also reassure themselves and tell themselves everything is going to be all right, and invite themselves back.
* Encouragement for the reader to get up and move their body, increasing their blood flow and heart rate by swinging their arms or shaking their legs. They should bring their focus back into their body and notice their surroundings.
* Instructions to bring their focus to their emotions and to say out loud what they are feeling, such as "I am scared" or "I am sad." They should also consider if they need to tell someone what's going on or if they need support.
* An explanation that emotions show up as sensations in the body and to build tolerance for more intense sensations in order to have an embodied sex life.
* Instructions to watch what they are thinking and to try telling themselves something neutral or even positive if they find they are speaking harshly to themselves.

Response:
##  Returning

Noticing that you are checking out is half the battle. Watch for your own signals, particularly those sensations that let you know you are going away. Once you notice, drop your breath low in your body, down into your belly. Breathe. Reassure yourself. Tell yourself everything is going to be all right. Invite yourself back.

Get up and move your body. Increase your blood flow and heart rate by swinging your arms or shaking your legs. Bring your focus back into your body. If you can't feel a particular area of your body, rub yourself there. Bring the feeling back into you. Notice your surroundings. What color are the walls? Who is in the room with you?

Then bring your focus to your emotions. What are you feeling? Say this out loud: "I am scared" or "I am sad." Do you need to tell someone what's going on? Do you need support? Believe it or not, you will survive your fear, anger, pleasure, and grief.

Emotions show up as sensations in the body. When you feel shame, what physical sensations go along with that? What about guilt? Or pleasure? Or love? What is it like to feel the emotion instead of making it go away? To embody, you must build your tolerance for more intense sensations. To have an embodied sex life, you must learn to face the feelings you needed to turn away from in the past.

Last, watch what you are thinking. Are the messages you are telling yourself soothing or empowering? Or self-denigrating? Often we are hard on ourselves as a way of avoiding feelings of anger, hurt, or fear. It may seem easier to be cruel to yourself than to face what others did to you. This internal cruelty helps to keep you dissociated. If you find you are speaking harshly to yourself, try telling yourself something neutral ("Breathe. It's okay. I am going to be okay.") or even positive if you can get there ("I'm worth it. I can do this.")


Input:
 Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Embodiment Practices" that includes the following:

* An explanation that consciously practicing being embodied is the most important step in working with dissociation.
* Instructions for a five-minute practice each morning that involves noticing sensations in the body, including legs, arms, and genitals. The reader should note which feelings and sensations are easier to tolerate and which are more difficult, and try to stay as long as possible with the ones they want to get rid of.
* A section titled "Belly Breathe" that encourages the reader to notice when they are holding their breath or breathing shallowly, and to breathe deeply and regularly again. They should breathe down into their belly so that their stomach and chest move.
* A section titled "Move Yourself" that encourages physical activities like walking, biking, and swimming as a way to get to know the body more intimately. The reader should bring their attention to their sensations and senses while moving.
* A section titled "Bodywork" that encourages the reader to engage in therapeutic bodywork to open frozen or armored places in the body and come back into the body gladly.
* A section titled "Embodiment Practices" that encourages centering practices like martial arts, yoga, dance, and some forms of meditation to build the reader's capacity to be in their body and develop an awareness of their body.
* A quote from Roslyn about the importance of staying present in the body and heart, even if it feels scary at first.
* An explanation that dissociating was an excellent survival strategy in the past, but that now the reader can learn to associate being in their body with pleasure, delight, ease, and connection.
* A quote from Maggie about how she has learned to notice when she starts to hold her breath or feel a rush, to relax, breathe, feel the sensations, and remind herself that it's okay to feel. She does this during sex.

Response:
##  Embodiment Practices

Most important, consciously practice being embodied. Dedicate time to it. Working with dissociation is working with re-embodiment. You can increase your tolerance for the rushes of shame, pleasure, anger, and love that once sent you into dissociation. This is a process of building your capacity to be present for your sensations and emotions.

FIVE MINUTES:

Practice noticing the sensations in your body, including your legs, arms, and genitals, for five minutes each morning. What do you notice? Which feelings and sensations are easier for you to tolerate and which are more difficult? Notice where you want to turn toward a sensation and where you want the sensation to go away. Stay as long as you can with the ones you want to get rid of.

BELLY BREATHE:

Notice when you hold your breath or breathe very shallowly. Stop and breathe deeply and regularly again. Breathe down into your belly so that your stomach and chest move. You may notice yourself not breathing fifty times a day. That's okay; in fact, it is great that you notice. This is how you will retrain your automatic responses.

MOVE YOURSELF:

Physical activities such as walking, biking, and swimming are helpful in the practice of being embodied. This is physical activity not for exercise, but rather as a practice of getting to know your body more intimately. As you move, bring your attention to your sensations and senses. How do your arms feel? Your legs? How about inside your chest and stomach? Is it warm or hot or cool? Do you notice a twitch? Do you feel relaxed?

BODYWORK:

I encourage anyone healing from sexual abuse to engage in therapeutic bodywork. This is not massage to work your muscles, but bodywork that serves to open the frozen or armored places in your body. Therapeutic bodywork attends to the emotions as well as the body, allowing you to come back into your body and live in it gladly. See the Resources for information on a variety of therapeutic bodywork styles.

EMBODIMENT PRACTICES:

Centering practices, such as martial arts, yoga, dance, and some forms of meditation, can help you build your capacity to be in your body. Again, this is not about pushing yourself physically, but rather about developing a place of centeredness in your body and an awareness of your body. You can learn that being relaxed and being empowered can happen at the same time. Being embodied and being safe can exist simultaneously.

> > This might sound strange, but I've been learning that if I stick around to feel both my body and my heart, I'm not going to die. I thought that I would.
>
> Roslyn
>
> Coming back to our bodies can be terrifying, mostly because we have come to associate being in our bodies with danger, pain, terror, and betrayal. Who would want to be there? In the past, dissociating was an excellent survival strategy to get away from the abuse. The difference now, however, is that the abuse is over, and along with pain, anger, and loss, we get to feel pleasure, delight, ease, and connection.

> > I can notice when I start to hold my breath or feel a rush that once would have been too much. I relax in the moment now, breathe, feel the sensations, remind myself that it is okay to feel. I am here with me. Then I am back. I do this during sex!
>
> Maggie


Input:
 Write a section for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" titled "Talk About It" that includes the following:

* An encouragement to talk with other survivors about what it's like when they dissociate. Explain that it can be useful to compare notes and that they may recognize something in their pattern of dissociating that the reader hasn't noticed in theirs.
* A quote from Janie about how her girlfriend started noticing her spacing out during sex before she did.
* An explanation that often, intimate partners will notice that the reader is dissociating before they do. The reader may need to help their partner learn to recognize the signs that they are checking out.
* A suggestion to talk to the partner about dissociation now, when the reader is not in the throes of it, so it's easier to bring up when they are triggered.
* A quote from Sally about how she and her husband had to find a balance between him checking in with her and him interrupting the flow of sex. She notes that half of her annoyance was him bringing her back to the present, which was a much scarier place to have sex from.

Response:
##  Talk About It

Talk with others survivors about what it is like when they dissociate. It can be very useful to compare notes. They may recognize something in their pattern of dissociating that you haven't noticed in yours.

> > My girlfriend started noticing me spacing out during sex before I would. She'd ask, "Where are you now?" I was surprised. I didn't realize I had gone anywhere.
>
> Janie

Often, your intimate partner will notice that you are dissociating before you do. If your partner is not aware of your dissociation, it's important that he or she learn to recognize the signs that you are checking out. Try talking to your partner about dissociation now; it's easier to talk about it when you are not in the throes of it, making it easir to bring up when you are triggered.

> > My husband and I had to find a balance between him checking in with me and him interrupting the flow of sex. Sometimes I had to tell him to shut up and quit asking me if I was present. I think half of my annoyance, though, was him bringing me back to the present, which was a much scarier place to have sex from.

Sally


Input:
 Write a section titled "Sex Guide Exercises" for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* An exercise for the reader to explore what being dissociated or "checked out" is like for them. Ask them to consider what happens in their body when they dissociate and what they say to themselves internally.
* An exercise for the reader to consider how they can recognize the state of dissociation for themselves. Also, ask them to consider how a partner or friend could help them recognize it. What would that person sense or see in them when they dissociate?
* An exercise for the reader to reflect on what they have to gain by living an embodied life and having an embodied sex life.
* An exercise for the reader to list three ways they can begin to re-enter their body, or re-associate. Ask them what embodiment practices they are willing to take on regularly.

USER: Here is the next part of the story:

##  Grounding Exercises

Grounding exercises are practices that help you re-enter your body and re-associate. They can help survivors of sexual trauma reconnect with their bodies in a safe and secure way.

> > I like to practice yoga. It helps me connect with my body and feel present. Sometimes I'll take a yoga class, and sometimes I'll just do some poses at home.
>
> Jane

> > I find that breathing exercises really help me. When I feel like I'm starting to dissociate, I focus on my breath and try to stay present.
>
> Mark

> > I like to do mindfulness meditation. It helps me stay present and focused on the current moment.
>
> Lily

> > I find that doing something physical, like going for a run or playing a sport, helps me feel more present in my body.
>
> David

> > I like to take a warm bath or shower. The sensation of the water on my skin helps me feel more present in my body.
>
> Sarah

TASK: Write a detailed prompt that would generate the above section of the story.
ASSISTANT: Write a section titled "Grounding Exercises" for "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* An introduction explaining that grounding exercises are practices that help the reader re-enter their body and re-associate. They can help survivors of sexual trauma reconnect with their bodies in a safe and secure way.
* A quote from Jane about how she likes to practice yoga to connect with her body and feel present.
* A quote from Mark about how breathing exercises help him when he feels like he's starting to dissociate.
* A quote from Lily about how mindfulness meditation helps her stay present and focused on the current moment.
* A quote from David about how doing something physical, like going for a run or playing a sport, helps him feel more present in his body.
* A quote from Sarah about how taking a warm bath or shower helps her feel more present in her body.

Response:
#  Sex Guide Exercises

> 1\. Explore what being dissociated or "checked out" is like for you. What happens in your body when you dissociate? What do you say to yourself internally?

> 2\. How can you recognize this state for yourself? How could a partner or friend help you recognize it? What would they sense or see in you when you dissociate?

> 3\. What do you have to gain by living an embodied life? What do you have to gain by having an embodied sex life?

> 4\. List three ways you can begin to re-enter your body, or re-associate. What embodiment practices are you willing to take on regularly?