Input:
Q: Who is the author of the book?
A: Tristan Taormino

Q: What is the title of the book?
A: Pucker Up: A Hands-on Guide to Ecstatic Sex

Q: What is the genre of the book?
A: Non-fiction, self-help, sex education

Q: What is the intended audience for the book?
A: Adults seeking to improve their sexual experiences and learn new techniques

Q: What can readers expect to learn from the book?
A: The book provides a comprehensive guide to anal sex, including anatomy, communication, preparation, techniques, and safety. It also includes personal anecdotes and advice from sex experts and educators.

Q: What is the tone of the book?
A: The tone of the book is informative, positive, and inclusive. The author aims to create a safe and welcoming space for readers to learn about anal sex and explore their desires.

Q: What is the author's background and qualifications for writing about sex education?
A: Tristan Taormino is an award-winning author, sex educator, and filmmaker with over 20 years of experience in the adult industry. She has written several books on sexuality and relationships, and has taught workshops and lectures on topics such as sexual communication, BDSM, and anal sex.

Q: How does the author approach the topic of anal sex in the book?
A: The author approaches the topic of anal sex with a sex-positive and inclusive attitude, emphasizing the importance of communication, consent, and pleasure. She provides practical tips and advice for preparing for and enjoying anal sex, as well as dispelling common myths and misconceptions about the practice.

Q: What is the structure of the book?
A: The book is divided into several sections, each focusing on different aspects of anal sex, such as anatomy, communication, preparation, techniques, safety, and exploring anal play with toys. The book includes images, illustrations, and personal anecdotes to supplement the text and provide visual aids.

Q: What is the purpose of the book?
A: The purpose of the book is to provide readers with a comprehensive and inclusive guide to anal sex, promoting sexual health, pleasure, and well-being. The author aims to empower readers to explore their desires and improve their sexual experiences in a safe and consensual manner.

Q: What is the author's writing style?
A: The author's writing style is conversational, informative, and engaging. She uses accessible language and includes personal anecdotes and advice from sex experts to make the topic more approachable and relatable. The author also includes illustrations and images to supplement the text and provide visual aids.

Q: How is the book different from other sex education books?
A: The book stands out from other sex education books due to its focus on anal sex, which is often stigmatized or overlooked in mainstream sex education. The author provides a comprehensive and inclusive guide to the topic, dispelling myths and misconceptions and promoting sexual health and pleasure. The book also includes a diverse range of voices and perspectives, making it an inclusive and welcoming resource for readers of all backgrounds and identities.

Response:
# PUCKER UP

## A Hands-on Guide to Ecstatic Sex

TRISTAN TAORMINO


Input: Write a table of contents for a nonfiction book that covers various aspects of sexuality and sexual pleasure. Include sections on sexual anatomy, communication, and techniques, as well as exploring fantasy, role-playing, and BDSM. Also include an afterword, notes, resources, and appendix featuring personal anecdotes and experiences.

Response:
# Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

The Joy of Fucking

1 Redefining Erogenous Zones and Orgasm

Sexual Anatomy and Response

2 Tell Me What You Want

Erotic Desire, Sexual Communication, and Safer Sex

3 Making the Basics Even Better

Hand Jobs and Oral Sex

4 What You Need to Get the Job Done

Sex Tools and Sex Toys

5 Hit the Spot

G-Spot Stimulation and Female Ejaculation

6 Back-Door Betties and Bend-Over Boys

Anal Sex for Him and Her

7 Be Your Own Fairy Godmother!

Fantasy and Role-Playing

8 Stroke Books, Skin Magazines, and Blue Movies

Adding Erotica to Sex

9 Beyond Whips and Chains

Exploring BDSM

Afterword: A Brief Erotic Manifesto

Notes

Resources

Appendix: Adventure Girl

My Date with Betty Dodson

I Came! I Shot!

I Go to a Swingers' Party

About the Author

Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher


Input: Write an acknowledgments section for a nonfiction book about sexuality. Include thanks to your editor, publisher, agent, and artist. Mention the people who have influenced your work in the field of sex, both past and present. Also, thank the owners and employees of a sex toy store, workshop attendees, and your personal support system, including family, friends, and partner.

Response:
# Acknowledgments

I am so thankful to my original editor, Tia Maggini, who worked her butt off on the book; her diligent readings of the manuscript and insightful suggestions were invaluable to the final product. Publisher Judith Regan, senior editor Dana Albarella, and everyone at ReganBooks supported me with advice, ideas, and plenty of encouragement. Fish created the unique illustrations which bring my words to life, and I feel blessed to collaborate with such a talented artist again. Richard Mitchell worked his incredible magic when he took the inspired cover photo, and makeup artist Tatijana Suljic-Shoan made me glamorous. Kudos too to art director Ron de la Peña for his fabulous cover design. Thanks to my agent, Andrew Blauner, for all his hard work (and for Friday night phone calls!). He continues to be an unflinching advocate, champion, and friend to me, which I appreciate more than he probably knows.

I have learned something from every editor I have ever worked with, but, most recently, I owe a debt of gratitude to my editor at _The Village Voice,_ Doug Simmons, whose guidance has deeply influenced my sex writing. Felice Newman, Frédérique Delacoste, Don Weise, and everyone at Cleis Press were there when it all began. Claire Potter was a great teacher. There are dozens of sexperts and pioneers who've come before me and whose work has had a tremendous influence on my own, and some must be named: Kim Airs, Joani Blank, Susie Bright, Fairy Butch, Patrick Califia-Rice, Rebecca Chalker, Betty Dodson, Heather Findlay, Nina Hartley, Bert Herrman, Robert Lawrence, FetishDiva Midori, Jack Morin, Carol Queen, Anne Seamans, Annie Sprinkle, Debi Sundahl, and Cathy Winks. Gene Trent of Blue Door Video generously lent me countless adult videos to watch for this book and never complained when I returned them late.

Rachel Kramer Bussel has contributed her time, energy, hard work, friendship, and wonderful spirit to me and to this project, especially in pulling together the Resource Guide. All the babes (past, present, and future) of Toys in Babeland (especially Alicia, Rachel, and Tova) inspire me with their enthusiasm and dedication to improving the sex lives of people everywhere. Owner Claire Cavanah gave me the best job in the world and lavishes unbelievable amounts of support on me. My gratitude to all the sex-toy-store owners who have hosted my workshops, and everyone who attended them, especially those brave enough to ask me a question. Thanks to my fans (you know who you are)—you keep me up when I am down.

Without the support of the people closest to me, I couldn't do any of it. My assistant, Michelle Cronk, makes it all happen smoothly. Jill, Marisa, and Dr. Y keep me healthy. My family and friends love me, listen to me, and spoil me: Toni Amato (the best big brother in the world), Morgan Dunbar (since the very beginning), Mario Grillo (God bless America), Sarah Jones (an expert in many fields), Stan Kent (guardian angel), Ira Levine (kindred perverted spirit), Audrey Prins-Patt (queen of the clitoris), Winston Wilde (daddy and sexologist rolled into one), Mom and Dad (who got me here). Mom and Rachel, thanks for help with the title.

And finally to Red, my partner, my love. You are in this book on every page, and more importantly, in my heart always.


Input: Write an introduction for a book about sexuality. Begin by explaining how selling sex toys changed your life and how the store offered more than just products. Discuss the wide variety of customers you encountered and the intimate revelations they shared with you. Mention how this experience taught you to be neutral and objective when dealing with people's concerns and queries. Talk about your previous experience as a sex therapist and how that influenced your perspective. Discuss your motivation for writing the book and the importance of sex in our lives. Mention the diverse range of questions you've been asked and how they formed the basis of the book. Finally, provide an overview of the book's chapters, including topics like anatomy, desire, communication, safer sex, sex toys, anal pleasure, fantasies, erotica, and BDSM.

Response:
# Introduction
The Joy of Fucking

I peddled dildos for a living, and it changed my life. As a salesperson at the women-owned sex-toy shop Toys in Babeland in New York City, I actually sold more than rubber dongs and silicone cocks. The shelves are filled with products designed for pleasure—vibrators, lubricants, condoms, butt plugs, massage oils, leather harnesses, paddles, anal beads, blindfolds, nipple clamps, latex gloves, and adult videos. But the store offers something else that is perhaps more valuable than even the most expensive toys: honest, useful information and advice about sexuality.

Every day I worked there, dozens of ordinary folks walked through the door looking for what we had inside. Their searches almost always began with a question. Most of them were complete strangers, and yet they told me things about themselves that were extremely personal and deeply intimate. Their revelations were sometimes moving, sometimes surprising, and always fascinating.

A been-there-done-that rocker chick strutted toward me one day, all pierced and tattooed, and I was sure she was headed for the S/M section at the back of the store; instead, she said, "I'm here to buy my first vibrator." A middle-aged stockbroker, who looked out of place next to a table of colorful anal toys, took an hour to summon the nerve to tell me he wanted a penis pump and a book on tantric sex. A city bus driver, still in uniform and just off work, came in with his wife; they meandered around the store, speaking in whispers to each other, then approached me. She looked at her feet shyly, and he did all the talking. They wanted a strap-on dildo for her to do him in the ass. I figured out pretty quickly that I could never assume anything about anyone's sex life by simply looking at the person.

I also learned to be as neutral and objective as possible when hearing people's concerns, queries, and individual situations. I needed to listen without bias or judgment. I needed to leave behind my own sexual preferences and preoccupations in order to meet my customers where they stood at the moment. Across boundaries of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, age, ability, and education, I had to listen and respond to some very important issues, problems, and desires. I usually left work feeling less like a retail clerk and more like a sex therapist.

Feeling like a sex therapist was somewhat familiar to me. After my first book, _The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women,_ was published in 1998, I needed a unique way to promote it. As you can imagine, it did not exactly lend itself to the traditional book reading. Most bookstores weren't clamoring to create a huge poster of the cover, put it in the window, and announce a book signing by me. It was no _Chicken Soup for Your Ass,_ even if I thought it was. Distributors were concerned that people would be too embarrassed to even buy it because of its taboo topic. It was only the second book ever devoted to this particular sexual subject, and I believed it was an important and necessary one. I wanted so much to spread the word about the ecstatic possibilities of anal sex. I decided to embark on a mission to teach the world how to have safe and pleasurable anal sex; in the process, if I sold some books, that would be a bonus. I traveled around the country teaching workshops in order to replace some of the myths and misconceptions about this forbidden act with facts and specific information.

My workshops were an opportunity to talk about sex in an honest, straightforward, down-to-earth way. For some of my students, an anal-sex class was their first opportunity to have a frank discussion about _anything_ sexual. For others, it was a chance to be in a room full of like-minded people who validated their own desires, desires they may have kept hidden for a long time. Some even told me that it had been a life-affirming and life-changing event. Empowering people to get in touch with their asses—and their sexuality in general—was my goal. But in the process of teaching, I found that I was learning not just about the sex lives of individuals, but about the state of sex in our culture.

I believe that sex is one of the most important aspects of our lives, but our society does not treat it as such. Sexuality is still trivialized, marginalized, and denigrated by most of our cultural institutions (including science and religion) or exploited and oversimplified by others, like the media. So many of us are taught to emphasize the important things in life—our partners, our children, our families, our careers, our spirituality, and our health. Once we've taken care of all these aspects, then we have permission to think about sex, which is seen as less worthy than most everything else.

But sex is a significant part of us, one that is rich with opportunities to learn, explore, connect, heal, and grow. Sex is a way to express ourselves and to communicate with others—a chance to create a unique, intimate bond with another human being.

My passion for understanding and celebrating sex has fueled the writing of this book. And so has each and every person who's had the courage to ask me a question about sex. Teaching sex workshops and working at Toys in Babeland has given me so much insight into what is going on in the minds and bedrooms of people across America. My work has given me a vision of what kinds of things people are interested in, what elements of sexuality spark the most questions, what subjects there is clearly not enough information about, what excites people, what shocks them, what turns them on.

Through my sex-education career, I have also discovered upcoming trends for sex. These activities aren't newly discovered or invented, but rather they are a new part of public consciousness. Most of them have been around for a long time, but have not captured the interest of sex researchers or the imagination of everyday people. In this new century, sex and relationships are rapidly changing. We are poised to enter an entirely new realm of sexuality, where old taboos are busted and more and more people are open to bold, expansive ideas about sex. At this moment in history, so many things once considered alternative or on the fringe—whether lesbian and gay sexuality, S/M, tantric sex, or open sexual relationships—are becoming more popular and gaining more mainstream acceptance. People's dirty little secrets don't seem that dirty anymore, and what was once forbidden has just moved in with the girl next door. A new revolution is in order, and as _The Joy of Sex_ was part of the sexual revolution of the 1970s, so I offer my new guide: I like to think of it as _The Joy of Fucking._

Whenever I tell people what I do, whether I say I wrote a book on anal sex, worked at a sex-toy store, or write a sex column, they almost always have a question for me. A question they've been carrying around, one they haven't been able to ask a lover, a friend, a parent, or a doctor. As diverse, unique, and meaningful as the people who ask them, all these questions formed the basis of this book. They span different sexual identities, experiences, preferences, and points of view. But in the end, we are all more similar than different when it comes to sex. Most of us want to know as much as we can about our sexuality and that of our partners in order to have the very best sex we can. This book is my way of answering all the questions I've ever been asked. Whenever someone asks a question at a public event, inevitably, I see nods of recognition and looks of curiosity around the room. A great question is one that many people want the answer to, and I hope that the responses in this book will benefit more than just the people who first inquired.

I begin with a chapter on anatomy and orgasm; think of it as the instruction manual they forgot to include with our bodies. In this section, I also explore new ideas about the clitoris being not just one structure but an entire system, which may make you rethink your ideas about female sexual anatomy. In chapter 2, I move beyond the body to the heart and mind to delve into the intricate territory of desire. How do we find out what turns us on? Once we know, then what do we do about it? I cover sexual communication, from the simple to the saucy, in the hopes that I may get you talking more about sex. Improving your sexual communication skills (and your partner's) brings you one step closer to getting your needs and desires fulfilled. Talking about safer sex, and how to incorporate it into your relationship, is also in this chapter. You'll find tips and techniques on refining your hand-job and oral-sex skills in chapter 3.

The fourth chapter puts you smack dab in the middle of a sex-toy store; this is my virtual tour of a variety of pleasure products. I highlight different kinds of lubricants and how they can enhance all sexual activities. I take you through buying your first vibrator, using it alone or with a partner, and I include styles, popular brands, and tried and true techniques. Likewise, we'll explore the delicious world of dildos—the different kinds and the ins and outs of using them. In chapter 5, I offer a wide range of information and insight about G-spot stimulation, from anatomical directions and position ideas to G-spot toys and tricks. In addition, I introduce you to a long-misunderstood phenomenon: female ejaculation. You'll learn about the history of female ejaculation, what it is, and how to make yourself or your partner ejaculate.

Everything you ever wanted to know about anal pleasure for both men and women is in chapter 6. Look for some myths to be replaced with truths and plenty of information about one of my favorite subjects. I'll give you tips on preparation and positions, tools and techniques, G-spot and prostate stimulation, and strap-on sex. Being able to share your fantasies with a lover is such an important component to a great sexual relationship. In chapter 7, learn how to tap into your own and your partner's fantasies, share them with each other, and even fulfill some of them. The orchestration of role playing—including the who, what, when, where, and why, with plenty of examples—will help you create your own sexy erotic dramas.

Following fantasy, in chapter 8, we move on to the numerous ways in which you can incorporate erotica, including magazines, books, and adult videos, into your sex life for stimulation, inspiration, and exploration. Chapter 9 is dedicated to BDSM: the pleasures of pain, the power of dominance and submission, and more. Learn how to determine if you're a top or a bottom and how to negotiate and execute a scene. Dive into a world of bondage, sensory deprivation, spanking, flogging, hot wax, psychological play, and even wilder activities.

In all nine chapters, I have highlighted one specific question and answer that relates to the subject of the chapter. They are actual questions selected from the hundreds people have asked me on the job and thousands of letters and e-mails. Throughout the book I will refer you to other sources where you can get further information about some of the practices, products, and ideas I discuss. At the end of the book, I offer a very extensive Resource Guide—full of books, video titles and producers, sex-toy stores, catalogs, BDSM companies, hot lines, Web sites, and sexuality workshops—to guide you in the right direction.

From "How to Drive Your Woman Wild in Bed" at the Learning Annex to "How to Female Ejaculate" at The Michigan Womyn's Music Festival, I have taught more than one hundred sex workshops around the country full of information people can really use. I wrote this book to respond to popular questions and give honest, useful information that doesn't shy away from sensitive topics. Extraordinary sex doesn't just happen; it takes dedication and hard work. In other words, you need to make it happen. Hopefully, there are some tools in this book that will help you achieve your personal goals. And speaking of goals, there is enough pressure in our society to be superwoman or superman and be perfect in everything we do. That is not what this book is about.

This book is my gift to all its readers, a chance for me to share my knowledge about sex with you. When two people come together sexually, they make a deal, whether spoken or symbolic, to take a trip together. When you are involved in an emotional relationship with a sexual partner and you know that person well, you develop a closeness and a trust. Your relationship is the perfect setting to challenge each other, explore your boundaries, become adventurous, and see where sex can take you. I want to give you the tools you need to get wherever you are going.


Input: Write a section about redefining erogenous zones and orgasm. Begin by explaining the importance of understanding sexual anatomy and the lack of knowledge most people have about their own bodies. Discuss the traditional definition of the vulva and the newer understanding of women's sexual anatomy, which includes the inner lips, the pelvic muscles, the clitoral glans and hood, and the urethral sponge. Provide detailed descriptions of the different parts of female sexual anatomy, including the pubic mound, the outer and inner lips, the clitoral glans and hood, the urethral opening, the urethral sponge, and the vaginal opening. Also, include information about the cervix, which has no specific sexual function but is important to be aware of during intercourse. Mention the work of the Boston Women's Health Collective and the Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers in challenging traditional views of female sexual anatomy. Discuss the importance of the clitoris in sexual pleasure and the concept of the clitoris being much more than just the small nub of sensitive flesh protected by a hood. Also, provide detailed descriptions of male sexual anatomy, including the penis, the testicles, and the prostate gland. Discuss the importance of the prostate gland in male sexual pleasure and the best way to reach it through anal penetration. Finally, provide a brief overview of anal anatomy and the importance of understanding the anal sphincters and the anal canal before engaging in anal play.

Response:
###### 1

## REDEFINING EROGENOUS
ZONES AND ORGASM

### _Sexual Anatomy and Response_

#### The Anatomy Lesson

I always begin my sex workshops with an anatomy lesson. I don't want to bore my students or give them flashbacks to high school biology class, but I can't assume that everyone has detailed knowledge about physiology. You would be amazed at how little most people know about their own sexual anatomy! Most of us weren't paying close attention to that particular lecture in health class, and many people, sadly, have never looked closely at their own genitals. There is a reason that feminists in the 1970s were whipping out those plastic speculums and handheld mirrors at consciousness-raising groups all over the country. When women and men have a better understanding of our bodies, we feel less alienated from them. Knowledge is the first step toward being more in tune with your body.

From the important anatomical structures and where they are located to their different functions and how they may contribute to pleasure and orgasm, knowing more about your own body and how it works can give you a better grasp of how you experience sexual pleasure. Of course, sex is not just physical; emotional, psychological, and spiritual aspects of eroticism are just as important as our working parts. I don't want to diminish their significance in any way; however, it's crucial for people to get better acquainted with their bodies and those of their partners if they want to give them boundless pleasure.

When I began research for my book _The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women,_ I wanted to gather as much information as possible about anorectal anatomy. Since my background was in sexual activism and writing, the scientific and medical aspects of anal sex were less familiar to me. Naively, I thought that anatomy—including our sexual anatomy—was a science based on "hard facts." You know, anatomists cut open a cadaver and sketched out all the organs. Then, they hooked some live people up to machines, monitored how different anatomical structures functioned, and took lots of notes. I believed that everyone at least agreed on where everything was located. Was I in for a big shock.

What I discovered is that, like the social sciences, anatomy is open to different interpretations and schools of thought. And when it comes to sexual anatomy, particularly women's sexual anatomy, we girls have been given the short end of the information stick. First, it seems that anatomists know each minute detail of every millimeter of the penis, but they do not have comparable detailed information about the vulva, the clitoris, or the G-spot. In fact, the lack of information about female sexual anatomy and function is startling. Second, many anatomical drawings and explanations are often vague when it comes to the intricacies of female genitalia; these texts either gloss over or disregard altogether entire structures that are important to our sexual anatomy. When depictions and descriptions do reference particular parts, they fail to explain their function, their relationship to other structures, or their role in sexual arousal and orgasm. This lack of information leaves us in the dark about our bodies and maintains the "mystery" of female genitalia for both women and men.

As a result of misinformation (and a lack of _any_ information in some cases), feminist doctors, scientists, sexologists, health-care advocates, and activists decided to do their own research. Two particular groups produced significant research that has become the cornerstone of a new school of thought about the female body. The Boston Women's Health Collective published the first edition of _Our Bodies, Ourselves_ in 1969, and it has produced several subsequent revised editions of _The New Our Bodies, Ourselves_ (the most recent was released in 1998). While the book was not specifically about sex, _Our Bodies, Ourselves_ contributed greatly to women's understanding of their sexuality. The first time I heard the word "clitoris," I went straight to the index of this classic to see what everyone was talking about!

The Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers (FFWHCs), an organization of women's health clinics around the country, published a groundbreaking book called _A New View of a Woman's Body: An Illustrated Guide_ in 1981. Written by the women of FFWHCs, this insightful book offered us a completely revised perspective on female sexual anatomy with a specific focus on the clitoris. What the writers of the book (and certainly plenty of feminists) saw as the most egregious error in the male-centered view of sexual anatomy was the focus on the vagina as the primary female sexual organ—the one most comparable to the penis. This book argued a different point of view: the _clitoris_ is most anatomically analogous to the penis, and, more importantly, it is much more crucial to women's sexual pleasure than the vagina. In addition to identifying the clitoris as the center of our sexual universe, the FFWHCs wanted to expand its anatomical reach as well.

The authors of _A New View_ blasted the mainstream concept of the clitoris being only a small nub of sensitive flesh protected by a hood above the vaginal opening. Instead, they recast the clitoris to encompass not just the clitoral glans and shaft (the nub), but also the inner lips, the frenulum, the vaginal opening, the urethra and urethral sponge. Shifting our entire understanding of female sexuality, feminists hoped to empower women with this new conceptualization of their bodies. Most feminist sex educators, myself included, base our own work on this updated definition of women's anatomy and the far-reaching potential of the clitoris. Slowly, feminist efforts to expand the definition of the clitoris have seeped into mainstream medicine. For example, in a recent _Newsweek_ article on female desire, John Leland told a revealing story: "In a conference room at Boston University, [Professor] Trudy Van Houten stops an unsuspecting medical student. _The clitoris,_ she challenges the young woman, a fourth-year med student: _how big is it?_ The woman looks momentarily stunned. _Would you say it's one centimeter or 10?_ By the fourth year of medical school, students should know the gross details of the body, but this seemingly simple question has the woman in a pickle. 'It can't be as big as 10,' she tries. Oh, but it is, it is. 'It's here, it's here, it's here, it's here,' says Van Houten, tracing a finger across an anatomical drawing. 'Wow,' says the student."1

In 2000, Rebecca Chalker, the editor of _A New View of a Woman's Body,_ published _The Clitoral Truth,_ which took up where _A New View_ left off, providing further information about women's genital anatomy and sexual pleasure, including expanded information on the clitoris and the G-spot.

##### _Female Sexual Anatomy_

The traditional definition of the vulva is the pubic mound, the outer and inner lips of the labia, the vaginal and urethral openings, and most of what is visible of the female genitals. In the newer understanding of women's sexual anatomy, the vulva consists of the pubic mound and the outer lips, which contain nerve endings but are nowhere near as rich in receptors as other parts of female sexual anatomy. The pubic mound and outer lips are formed from the same fetal tissue as the scrotal sac in men. Nearly every other structure in the area of the vagina—the inner lips, the frenulum, the clitoral glans and hood, the urethral opening, the urethral sponge, and the vaginal opening—is considered part of the clitoris. (See illustration 1.) This conclusion is based on the fact that these structures are comprised of the same fetal tissue as the penis glans and shaft, prostate gland, bulb, and related glands.2

Full of nerve endings, the inner lips surround the urethral opening, the urethral sponge, and the opening to the vagina and are more sensitive than the outer lips. Below the vaginal opening, as the lips come together, they form the fourchette, which signals the bottom boundary or end of the clitoris. They come to a point (called the frenulum) which forms the tissue of the clitoral hood. The hood protects the clitoral glans much like the foreskin of a penis.

Nestled inside the hood is the critical centerpiece of the clitoral system called the glans, an incredibly sensitive nub rich in nerve endings—an estimated six to eight thousand nerve endings make it _the_ most sensitive spot on a human body. The glans is the external portion of (or end of) the clitoral shaft, a half-inch long structure composed of spongy erectile tissue. The clitoral glans is what traditional anatomists call the entire clitoris. Because of its abundance of nerve endings, the glans is hyper-responsive to all kinds of stimulation including stroking, rubbing, licking, and vibration. Beneath the layer of skin of the clitoris is a network of blood vessels, nerves, glands, muscles, and erectile tissue. During arousal, the erectile tissue fills with blood and becomes engorged and erect, a response which mirrors the male erection.

FIG. 1 FEMALE ANATOMY, FRONT VIEW

Below the clitoral glans and hood and above the vaginal opening is the opening to the urethra, a two-inch tube leading from the bladder to the urethral opening through which women urinate. (See illustration 2.) The urethra is surrounded by the urethral sponge, also known to many as the G-spot. The spongy erectile tissue that makes up the urethral sponge contains paraurethral glands, which produce female ejaculatory fluid, a substance shown to be very similar to fluid produced by the prostate gland in men. When a woman is aroused, the erectile tissue of the sponge fills with blood and becomes erect, and the glands fill with fluid, all of which cause the urethral sponge to swell. Because it's more prominent when it swells, it is easier to locate when a woman is aroused; it is also very sensitive to pressure and stimulation. (Look for more information about the G-spot and female ejaculation in chapter 5.)

FIG. 2 FEMALE ANATOMY, SIDE VIEW

The opening to the vagina, located below the urethral opening, is muscular and contains a substantial amount of nerve endings (although nowhere near the amount of the clitoral glans). For most women, the vaginal opening and the lower portion of the vagina (including the G-spot on its front wall) are more sensitive than the rest of the vagina. Made up of elastic tissue, the vagina produces lubrication and its walls expand when a woman is aroused.

At the back of the vagina is the cervix, the opening to the uterus, through which menstrual blood flows. While it has no specific sexual function, it's a good idea to be aware of the cervix, especially during intercourse. In general, the cervix is very sensitive to any kind of strong pressure, and you can bruise or abrade it if you are not careful. If your partner has a particularly long penis or you are in a position that allows deep thrusting, chances are he will bump into it. Most women find this uncomfortable (although there are some women who like it) and need to tell their partners to change positions or the depth of penetration if necessary.

Women's genital anatomy is a complex system of nerves, blood vessels, glands, muscles, and tissue, with a variety of structures that connect, overlap, and work together. This new perspective of the clitoris encompassing the inner lips, the pelvic muscles, the clitoral glans and hood, and the urethral sponge brings us one step closer to comprehending female sexual response. Before the women's movement, popular notions of female sexual pleasure focused on the vagina as the perfect counterpart to the penis, and thus vaginal penetration as the source of a woman's orgasm. Some women who didn't come as a result of penetration alone felt as if there was something wrong with them. Feminists sought to "correct" the vaginally centered concept by focusing almost totally on the importance of clitoral stimulation, leaving some women who enjoyed penetration feeling their pleasure was discounted and discredited. Today, we have a much broader view of women's pleasure, which can be experienced through clitoral and G-spot stimulation, vaginal and anal stimulation, or any combination of activities.

##### _Male Sexual Anatomy_

I'll begin with the most obvious part of male sexual anatomy: the penis. The body of the penis is called the shaft and is comprised of spongy erectile tissue full of blood vessels. During arousal, the tissue fills with blood, the penis swells and becomes erect. The urethra, the tube through which men urinate, is located inside the shaft. (See illustration 3.)

The head of the penis, called the glans, is rich in nerve endings and is usually the most sensitive part of a man's sexual anatomy. At birth, the glans is surrounded and protected by a hood, the foreskin. When a penis is circumcised, this skin is cut off, leaving the glans mostly exposed. An uncircumcised penis has its foreskin intact; it surrounds and protects the glans much like the clitoral hood. Because it is "hidden" inside this sleeve of skin, an uncircumcised penis has a more sensitive glans than its circumcised brother. At the base of the glans is the coronal ridge, a sensitive spot which most men like stimulated. The urethral opening is also in the glans.

FIG. 3 MALE ANATOMY, SIDE VIEW

The base of the penis extends into a man's body, and the root (or bulb) of the penis can be felt through the perineum (which is between the anal opening and the testicles) or through the rectum. Many men find the bulb to be extremely sensitive to stimulation.

Below the penis are the testicles, which produce testosterone and sperm. Testicles can vary greatly in size and shape and may also hang differently from one another; they are contained in a sac of skin called the scrotum. The scrotum protects them from intense cold and heat, which can affect the production of sperm. Men tend to be quite protective of their testicles, and they aren't kidding when they double over in pain if they're kicked between the legs. Now, this may cause you to avoid touching them altogether during sex, for fear of eliciting the same response. I recommend you ask your partner if he likes to have his balls played with, and if he does, ask him for some specific instructions. Does he like them stroked, rubbed gently, tugged? Would he like you to lick and suck them? Will a little bit of stretching feel good to him? When in doubt, always ask.

Men are endowed with another erogenous zone that is explored less often than the usual spots, but can be just as stimulating: the prostate gland. The prostate gland surrounds the urethra and is below the bladder and above the root of the penis. Think of it as the male G-spot. The prostate gland produces prostatic fluid in the surrounding ducts; this fluid mixes with sperm in the vas deferens before a man ejaculates. Anal penetration is the best way to reach the prostate gland. You can stimulate it through the wall of the rectum if you go about three inches inside and aim toward his navel. Like a woman's G-spot, the prostate becomes more sensitive and receptive to stimulation when a man is aroused, so you should be nice and turned on before you explore any kind of prostate stimulation. The gland is very sensitive to massage, and most men prefer gentle rubbing; any jerky movement or poking can be very uncomfortable. Lots of men can have an orgasm from prostate stimulation without even touching their dicks! Always remember that each man's prostate gland is unique—some men may enjoy theirs stimulated and others may not. (For more on prostate stimulation, see chapter 6.)

##### _Anal Anatomy_

With the exception of the male prostate gland, men's and women's anal anatomy is nearly identical, so we share basically the same geography in this area of our bodies. (See illustration 4.)

Before you go anywhere near your back door, you need to meet its puckered front door, otherwise known as the anus. The external opening of the anal canal, the anus is rich in blood vessels and nerve endings which makes it incredibly receptive to touch, stimulation, and vibration. In fact, for some people, external stimulation of the anus is all they need to experience intense anal pleasure. The opening itself can be one of our most sensual erogenous zones.

In the tissue surrounding the anal opening are two sets of muscles: the anal sphincters. If you have ever penetrated someone anally with your finger, you know that just inside the anus, you feel a snug ring of muscle—those are the sphincter muscles. The external sphincter, which is closest to the opening, is controlled by the central nervous system, which also controls muscle movement. When you attempt to "hold on" to a bowel movement until you make it to the bathroom, you are using (and tensing) your external sphincter muscle. With patience and practice, you can learn to voluntarily control the external sphincter in other situations too, and make it relax instead of tense.

The internal sphincter is controlled by the autonomic nervous system, which controls involuntary bodily functions like your breathing rate. This muscle ordinarily reacts reflexively, and most people do not normally control its function; however, the external and the internal sphincters overlap and can work together. The rule of thumb is that the more attention you pay to the sphincters, the easier it is to relax them. Because the two muscles work in tandem, when one relaxes, the other does too.

Inside the anus and past the sphincter muscles is the anal canal, which is about one to one and a half inches long. The same soft, sensitive tissue that makes up the anus comprises the first portion of the anal canal, which is very sensitive to stimulation. The rest of the anal canal is composed of mucous membrane, also sensitive to touch, and more sensitive to pressure. Like the clitoris and penis, when you are aroused, the tissue of the anal canal fills with blood and becomes engorged. During arousal, when the muscles are relaxed, the anal canal has the ability to expand to make penetration very pleasurable.

FIG.4 ANAL ANATOMY

Beyond the anal canal, the rectum occupies approximately the next eight inches. The rectum is made up of loose folds of soft, smooth tissue which is especially responsive to pressure and penetration. The rectum has a tremendous ability to expand and can be roomier than the anal canal—just think, during surgery, a doctor can put her entire hand in a person's rectum. The rectum is not a straight tube, but curves gently, which is crucial to know about before you put anything longer than a finger in someone else's butt or your own. The lower part of the rectum tilts slightly toward the navel for several inches, then curves back the other way toward the spine, then curves toward the navel again. These curves are part of the reason that slow and patient anal penetration is so important. Each person's rectum and its curves are unique, and it is best to feel your way inside the rectum rather than jamming anything in there.

Beyond the rectum is the colon. The colon serves no specific sexual function, and most people never move beyond the rectum during anal penetration. However, I mention it for one important reason: the colon, rather than the rectum, is where feces are stored. They move into the rectum when you are ready to have a bowel movement. Once you go to the bathroom, there should not be any significant amount of feces left in your rectum.

Before I move on to the particulars of sexual response, a brief word about terminology. Unlike most sex educators, who are married to _penis_ and _vagina_ (and sometimes _clitoris_ ), I tend to vary the vocabulary I use to describe our genitals. In addition to these terms, which I sometimes find just too clinical sounding, I will also employ words like _pussy, clit, dick, cock,_ and _ass._ I hope I don't offend you—I simply find that _pussy_ rolls off my tongue more smoothly. And I don't think of any of these terms as derogatory or negative; they are simply alternatives.

#### The Story of O

Men have a slight to pronounced advantage over women when it comes to orgasms. By the time they are adolescents, most boys have masturbated and reached orgasm. They know how to make themselves come, and recognize the feeling when someone else helps them climax. Girls are less likely to masturbate or experience an orgasm than boys are. It may take years before they begin self-exploration and achieve their first orgasm. Unfortunately, some adult women still haven't experienced one.

If men come to me for advice because they are having difficulty making their lovers orgasm, my first question is always, "Can she have an orgasm by herself? Has she ever had an orgasm before?" It's critical to have this information before you proceed. If a woman has never experienced orgasm or has never been able to bring herself there, then it's a tremendous amount of pressure to think that someone else will be able to do it. If you have never had an orgasm before and you want to learn how to achieve one, you must dedicate yourself to self-exploration before you even attempt orgasm with a partner. I recommend reading a book, watching a video, or attending a workshop on self-loving, and, of course, practice, practice, practice!

For those of you who've already experienced the joys of the Big O, you know how it feels, but do you understand how an orgasm actually happens in the body? Sex researchers Masters and Johnson came up with a nifty little sexual response cycle divided into four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.3 If you have ever paid attention to how your body reacts during sex, then you are probably already familiar with its arousal cycle. When you first get turned on, your breathing rate and heart rate increase. Your skin may get flushed or become more sensitive in different areas. Your nipples get their own perky erections, and, for women, your breasts may swell. As blood rushes to the genital area, the clitoris and the penis become engorged and swell. A woman's inner lips also swell and may change color, and the vagina starts to lubricate and expand. Men and women's sphincter muscles react as your anus and rectum also become engorged; some people may feel the anal area relax and others may experience contractions in their sphincter muscles.

All this swelling, engorgement, erection, and expansion continue until you reach that moment just before you climax, which is called the plateau. Your blood pressure, heart rate, and breathing continue to increase. The clitoral glans swells and retreats behind the hood. Men's testicles enlarge and pull up toward the pelvis. Blood continues to rush to the genital region, and your muscle tension increases.

When you actually have an orgasm, your pelvic muscles have a series of rhythmic contractions, and the blood that has been pumping to your genitals is released. A woman's uterus also contracts. For men, orgasm and ejaculation are actually two separate occurrences, though they seem to happen simultaneously. During the resolution phase, your body eventually returns to its original, nonaroused state. The amount of time it takes varies depending on the person.

Most women (and many men) report that they don't experience an orgasm in the same way every time they have one. Women in particular may experience different sensations between one orgasm and another; they may locate the center of an orgasm in different parts of the body. An orgasm may come quickly or very slowly, last for a few seconds or several minutes. All this variety depends on what helped bring them there—clitoral stimulation, vaginal penetration, anilingus, or a combination of stimulating activities. Changes in orgasm also may be affected by a slew of different factors, including menstrual cycle, stress level, emotional state, and physical health.

Many people believe that there are actually different types of female orgasm that can be named and loosely classified. Sex researchers Beverly Whipple and John D. Perry identified three kinds: the "vulval orgasm" triggered by the clitoris, the "uterine orgasm" from vaginal intercourse, and a combination of the two.4

Other sexologists agree that different activities bring on different orgasms. For example, the clitoral orgasm is brought on by clitoral stimulation and is thought to be the most common type of orgasm. Other types include: the vaginal orgasm achieved through vaginal penetration; the G-spot orgasm from stimulation of the urethral sponge, which may or may not include ejaculation; the anal orgasm reached through anal penetration. Orgasm isn't an easy thing to label, however. Some women may come without being touched anywhere on their bodies, and others can have an orgasm through intense tantric breathing exercises—what do we call those orgasms? What if you combined several sensations, like clitoral stimulation and anal penetration or vaginal penetration and G-spot stimulation—how would you classify the resulting orgasms? Certain combinations of sensations may produce certain kinds of orgasms, just as that pairing of silk boxers and cologne might really put you in a certain kind of mood. Or sometimes a particular position allows for a unique angle that leads to an equally individual orgasmic experience.

Men and women have a variety of orgasmic experiences. Sometimes an orgasm can be a quick release, or sometimes it's an extended, sublime feeling that lasts for several minutes. Some orgasms are felt mainly between the legs, but others seem to resonate throughout the entire body. I am wary of naming and categorizing orgasms. Our sexual anatomical parts are so close together and all of them participate one way or another in arousal. We know that the clit doesn't just end and the G-spot begin—they are interconnected in a complex structure of tissue, nerves, blood vessels, muscles, and other structures. They all work together, so it's not necessary to give one credit over another. If they each do their part, we slide right to the edge of a cliff and over it in shuddering ecstasy. I'd say orgasms are orgasms. Call them what you like—they are undeniably some of the best feelings you will ever have.

##### _The PC Muscle_

The pelvic floor muscles play an important role in arousal and orgasm. At the bottom of the pelvic floor in both men and women is a broad, flat muscle called the pubococcygeus muscle (nicknamed the "PC muscle"). The urethra, vagina, and anus of a woman pass through this muscle, and the PC muscle surrounds a man's prostate; this muscle supports the pelvis from the pubic bone to the tailbone. Imagine that you are urinating and want to stop the flow of urine; the muscle you use to halt your pee midstream is the PC muscle. If you put your finger on your perineum while you do this, you can feel the contraction of the muscle. The PC and other pelvic muscles support the tissue of the perineum, which explains why both women and men may find this spot especially sensitive during sex. For both men and women, this muscle contracts randomly during sexual arousal and more rhythmically during orgasm.

By exercising your PC muscle, you become more in tune with the feelings in your pelvic area, thereby increasing your sensitivity and responsiveness. As with any other muscle, exercising the PC muscle tones and strengthens it, making it more flexible and more receptive to pleasurable sensations. Women and men who regularly exercise their PC muscle report many positive effects. They have increased pleasure during vaginal and anal penetration; some women can contract their PC muscle around their partner's penis, increasing sensations for her and him. Women may find they can achieve orgasm easier or faster. Men with a strong PC muscle are better able to separate orgasm from ejaculation or to delay ejaculation, both important aspects of being multiorgasmic. Both men and women have greater control over their orgasms, have better and stronger orgasms—they even have more orgasms!

Named for the scientist who studied the PC muscle and popularized the theory of exercising it, Kegel exercises can help strengthen the muscle. The most important thing to remember about Kegel exercises is to do them as regularly as possible, which shouldn't be a problem because they are pretty simple. You can do the exercises lying down, sitting, or standing—you can even do them while you're driving, riding public transportation, or sitting at your desk at work. The harder the exercises are for you to do, the less toned your PC muscles are, and the more they need a good workout. However, if you experience any pain while doing them, see a doctor.

Women and men have the ability to attain multiple orgasms, but each person is different. Women can recover more quickly from an orgasm—our bodies can get revved up all over again more easily than men's bodies can. Every woman is different when it comes to multiple orgasms. Some work hard for one great orgasm, some aren't satisfied with less than a few. You've probably known or heard of a woman so incredibly orgasmic that she could contend for an Olympic medal!

For men, the prospect of becoming multiorgasmic can be more challenging, but also very rewarding. Men who want to become multiorgasmic must first accept the fact that not every orgasm needs an erection and has to lead to ejaculation to be a bona fide come. Like women, men can have a whole range of orgasms. Once you grasp this concept, you're halfway there. Multiorgasmic men tend to climax several times without ejaculation. They learn to control, delay, and postpone ejaculation in favor of a climactic feeling.

The best way to learn to control and delay ejaculation and to climax without ejaculating is to practice various techniques while masturbating (see sidebar). It requires concentration, patience, and repetition, so why not hone your skills by yourself before you try them out with your partner? Slow, deep breathing will not only help to focus your energy and control your orgasms better, but it will decrease your heart rate. A slower heart rate can help delay orgasm. Once you feel confident, try your tricks with your partner. Women, the idea is to get him to the point of climax. He postpones ejaculation (but still feels like he climaxed) and is ready to go again.

PC Muscle Exercises

Because women and men experience pleasure very differently and tend to have dissimilar arousal cycles, it can be futile to chase that elusive goal that so many people inquire about in sex workshops—the simultaneous orgasm. While it sounds so ideal and romantic—two lovers reaching climax at the exact same time—it can be unrealistic considering the way that our minds and bodies work. I applaud couples who want to attain simultaneous orgasm, and, of course, encourage everyone to go for what they want and have a blast trying. Usually, simultaneous orgasm involves the man delaying his orgasm. Then his partner can become more aroused and reach a similar state; in other words, he holds off so she can catch up. Timing is everything and communication is essential; couples who know each other very well sexually and feel especially connected during sex often have an easier time judging where the other is at and adjusting their pace accordingly.

How to Keep Her Coming

Making a Multiorgasmic Man

Striving to come at the same time and meet each other's sexual needs is a noble cause and one I support; however, I encourage people to move beyond goal-oriented sex. Sometimes, if we get too focused on results, timing, and orgasms, we lose sight of the actual experience, the intimacy we can share with a lover, the pleasure we can give one another. If you get too caught up in reaching the end, you miss out on the best parts! Relax, take your time, explore and enjoy each other's bodies without inhibition, look your partner in the eyes, and openly give and receive pleasure. That's what awesome sex is all about.

#### Beyond What's Between Our Legs

After reading pages and pages of information on male and female genitals, my next point may sound like a contradiction: sometimes we focus so much on our below-the-waist parts that we forget the rest of our bodies. We get so fixated on cocks and clits and pussies that we overlook plenty of other erogenous spots. Women's breasts and nipples can be extremely sensitive, and playing with them can be a big turn-on. During arousal, nipples swell, become erect, and may change color, and breasts also swell, flush, and become more receptive. People like their nipples licked, kissed, sucked, nibbled, pulled, pinched, and even bitten on occasion. It's always best to ask your partner what kind of nipple play she or he enjoys. Likewise, men's nipples are far too overlooked as a site of erotic pleasure; they too become erect and sensitive when a man is turned on, and his chest may become flushed, tingly, and more sensitive. Experiment with different sensations—a light touch, your nails, a leather glove, a piece of fur, ice cubes, and other creative textures—on chests, breasts, and nipples (see sidebar).

Although certain parts of our bodies change during sexual arousal and contribute to the arousal cycle, there are no hard and fast rules about what constitutes an erogenous zone. If it turns you on, then it's an erogenous zone. Everyone is different, and what works for one person may not do a thing for another. It's important to consider all parts of our bodies fair game when it comes to sexual excitement and stimulation. Don't discount the spark you'll cause when you brush the back of her knees. See what happens when you slide your hand up his inner thigh. If your lover has a foot fetish, then you know how good a well-rubbed (or even well-sucked) toe can feel. Trail your tongue along the back of her neck, nibble on his earlobes, rub the tip of your finger on her lips. The idea is to explore your partner's body with plenty of eagerness and willingness (and hey, explore your own while you masturbate!).

What to Do with Nipples

And let us not forget one of the most important erogenous zones we have: the brain. Nestled inside the skull, the brain controls sexual functioning. What happens in our minds is just as important as what's rubbing up against our genitals, and there are many factors that affect a person's experience of sex. Although I resist many generalizations based on gender, the emotional aspects of sex affect women more than men. Of course, this isn't a universal truth, and some of the following observations can hold true for both Tarzan and Jane. A woman's sexual self-image and how she feels about her body both contribute to how she relates to her partner. The emotional connection between partners as well as the nature, status, and security of the relationship also play an important role in how a woman feels about sex. Psychological elements, including her expectations, anxieties, and fantasies, weave their way between the bedsheets as well. The power dynamics between partners, the context of the sexual encounter, and even past sexual experiences are also significant to women's sexual enjoyment. A woman's overall mental-health and stress level can deeply affect her sexual pleasure.

Because our minds and hearts are so critical to our pleasure, even the most practiced and finessed physical techniques may not do the trick. That's why, above all else, it is so important to communicate with your partner, discover each other's sexual desires and fantasies, and listen to each other with love and respect.

**M** _y wife is five months pregnant, and this is our first child. Her desire for sex fluctuates, but I want to know if it is safe to have sex all the way through nine months. Is there anything we shouldn't do that might hurt the baby?_

Throughout her pregnancy, penetrating her (both vaginally and anally) with your fingers is safe; penetration with your penis is safe in low-risk pregnancies. After she becomes pregnant, she may feel that her orgasms change—don't worry, that's common. One of the challenges of sex during pregnancy is finding comfortable positions; experiment and see what works for both of you. Avoid deep thrusting and really hard slamming of any kind. Using water-based lubricants is fine, but a word of caution about anal play: be extra careful in preventing bacteria from the ass transferring to the vagina. Keep fingers and toys super clean, or she may get an infection, which is often harder to treat during pregnancy. Oral sex is fine, but never blow air in the vagina; this can cause a serious condition and threaten the mother's life. Avoid anything that might bruise the cervix (including deep thrusting). If she feels any discomfort during any sexual activity, stop at once.


Input: Write a section about discovering and communicating your desires. Begin by explaining the importance of knowing what you want and how to communicate it to your partner. Discuss the different barriers that can prevent us from listening to our own hearts, including societal expectations and the influence of the media. Explain that desire is as unique as the individual and cannot be neatly packaged in a half-hour sitcom or a one-page quiz in a women's magazine. Discuss the different components of desire, including physical, emotional, psychological, and even spiritual elements. Provide tips on how to figure out what makes you tick sexually, such as reflecting on past sexual relationships, paying attention to your emotional needs, and considering your psychological roles in sex. Discuss the importance of masturbation in discovering your own desires and becoming a better lover. Provide tips on how to communicate with your partner about your desires, including talking before sex, during sex, and after sex. Discuss the importance of safer sex practices and how to negotiate them with your partner.

Response:
###### 2

## TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT

### _Erotic Desire, Sexual Communication, and Safer Sex_

#### Discovering Your Desire

Knowing what you want—and what you don't—is the first step to getting it. Discovering your desires is a key ingredient to having a satisfying sexual relationship, but that task is sometimes easier said than done. There are many barriers that can prevent us from listening to our own hearts. Our parents may (or may not) sit down with us to have that "birds and bees" talk, but rarely does anyone teach us how to determine what we want to do or how to do it. From _Cosmopolitan,_ romance novels, and soap operas to _Esquire,_ mainstream movies, and adult videos, the media saturates us with images and ideas of what we _should_ want, things like romance, silk sheets, or soft lighting. Popular images convey what we _could_ have: a _Baywatch_ lifeguard, a supermodel, or a movie star. Rarely does that same media encourage us to discover our own distinct desires.

Desire is as unique as the individual, and it cannot be neatly packaged in a half-hour sitcom or a one-page quiz in a women's magazine. So how do you go about figuring out what makes you tick sexually, what gets the motor revved up and the engine humming? Sexual desire is a complex combination of physical, emotional, psychological, and even spiritual elements. The trick is to figure out what all the different elements are for _you._

People who are very conscious of their emotions probably have an idea of how feelings factor into their sex lives. For others, you might have to dig a little to become aware of how your emotional needs play a significant role in determining your sexual needs. A desire to please, to be perfect, to feel safe, to be wanted, to be in control—people often meet these emotional needs and a whole slew of others through sex. Feeling cared for and loved, making a connection, and trusting your partner can be critical to sexual desire. Often if you are fighting with your partner or some issue has gone undiscussed or unresolved, your sexual desire diminishes. Metaphorically speaking, we often want to make love in a clean bed. Think back to some of the most satisfying sex you've ever had, and remember the emotional relationship. Beyond the physical sensations, how did you _feel_ when you had sex? It will give you great insight into your emotional desire.

Psychologically, we also have different needs when it comes to sex. Some people want to feel like they are being "taken" by their partners, surrendering, or losing control. Others like to initiate sex, be the one in charge calling the shots. And still others switch back and forth between these roles depending on their mood. Again, it often helps to reflect on past sexual relationships—what dynamics between you and your lover fueled the passion? When you watch a romantic scene in a film or read an erotic story, think about whom you most identify with—is it the aggressor, the shy lover, the dominatrix, the sexually voracious partner, the virgin, or the teacher? Characters you see yourself in will give you clues to your psychological roles in sex. Also consider which characters attract you. If you are attracted to the handsome charmer, you probably enjoy being charmed. If the mysterious stranger turns you on, you might like a little danger with your sex. If someone inexperienced appeals to you, then I bet you've got some initiation fantasies. Once you explore how you experience sex on an emotional and psychological level, you can better understand how these intangible elements affect your sex life.

In order to find out what turns you on, the first and best place to start is with yourself. Masturbation is one of the best gifts you can give yourself—it can be not only satisfying and enjoyable, but a learning experience as well. A lot of times, especially when we are in relationships, we get lazy about self-love. You should really make a date once a week (or more) to get back in _touch_ with yourself. One of the best ways to become a better lover is to know your own body and sexuality in the deepest and fullest way possible. The more knowledge you have, the easier it will be to clue your partner in to your unique erotic self. The more aware you are of your own body and its capacity for pleasure, the more you will be able to receive, enjoy, and revel in that pleasure when it comes from another person. Masturbation is a super way to explore, rediscover, and study the erogenous zones, sweet spots, and sensitive areas of your body. Pay attention to how you make yourself come. What sends you into overdrive—a particular kind of touch or pressure, a favorite sex toy, a surefire position? Study your own techniques, so you can teach them to your lover later. The physical tricks can be just as important as the emotional ones when it comes right down to it. If you can please yourself, you can usually get someone else to please you (with a little practice, of course!).

You also may want to make a list of what your favorite sexual activities with your partner are currently, and be as specific as you can. For example: vaginal penetration in doggie-style position with him reaching around to rub your clit; deep kissing for a long time leading up to sex; an extended blow job where she teases you a lot and licks your balls; cunnilingus with you straddling his face and him playing with your ass.

While you are masturbating, you can also discover some of your nonphysical turn-ons if you start to become aware of what comes to mind. Are there specific images that get the juices flowing? Do you fantasize about people you know, strangers, or celebrities? Are there particular scenarios that turn you on and drive you wild? Can some of your fantasies be acted out in the real world? Remember that desires are your own, they may not be racy or on the edge, they may not be sweet or politically correct, but they are yours. Cut yourself some slack and let them be what they are.

Clues from Past Sex

There are many different components to desire. You may have favorite physical activities like oral sex, anal sex, or mutual masturbation. You may want to try a new position, a new lube, a new technique, or a new sex toy. Perhaps your taste is for something more out of the ordinary, like bondage or spanking. Maybe your fantasies involve role-playing particular scenarios.

Whatever it is, doing something just because you think you should is never a good idea. Do it because you want to do it and the desire is authentic, not because it's something you think everyone else is doing or your partner is pressuring you to do. Tap into your own desires, claim them, unleash them! In an ideal world, your partner is your mirror opposite, and your desires meld with each other perfectly. But, more likely, your desires will come together in not-so-perfect-but-we-can-make-it-work harmony. The best way to know if your desires are compatible is to talk about them.

#### Talking Before Sex

Communication before, during, and after sex is crucial to having a satisfying relationship. While it may be difficult, talking to your partner, sharing your desires, fantasies, and even your fears, will greatly enhance your intimacy as a couple. As with everything else, start out slowly and gently. Ask yourself and your partner: What do you want out of our sexual relationship? What do you expect from sex? Having an open, honest discussion can help illuminate what each person desires, so both people are less likely to make incorrect assumptions about the other person's expectations. Learning to talk about sex openly and honestly takes practice. One way to start the process of talking is to keep a journal, where you can write about sex. The idea behind keeping a journal is that if you can write about your feelings about sex, eventually you'll have the nerve to say them out loud, too. You could skip the writing part altogether, of course, and just start talking. The more you do it, the easier it will get. Remember that your lover knows you well, but no one is a mind reader. You have to take responsibility for finding out what your desires are, sharing them with your partner, and working together to fulfill them.

Talking about sex in a nonsexual context is often easier than doing it in bed just before a little midnight romp. Take the pressure off yourself and your partner by bringing up difficult issues or new topics in a totally neutral environment. Make sure you are in a place where you can talk freely. Sex talks are nearly impossible to have in your mother-in-law's living room, with the kids running in and out of the room, or at the grocery store (unless you've checked and your aisle is clear!). People always ask me: "How do I approach a sexual subject with my partner—like something new I'd like to try—when I don't know how he or she will react?" Again, choose a neutral time and place where your partner won't feel pressured or threatened by this new revelation. Sometimes, people feel more comfortable first approaching the subject in an indirect or "hypothetical" way. For example: "I just read about a book on anal sex for women—what do you think about that?" or "A friend of Susan's says she and her boyfriend have been experimenting with bondage and blindfolds . . ." Of course, there is also always the direct approach, which I favor and applaud, but I realize that not everyone is there yet.

Starting a Conversation About Sex

Maybe you have a concern about sex, a worry about what your partner thinks about your desires, or an anxiety about a particular activity. If you feel pressure or guilt, these and other negative emotions can not only mess with your head, they can also manifest themselves on a physical level and interfere with your enjoyment of sex. An honest discussion before sex gives both of you a chance to air concerns, alleviate fears, and reassure each other. The more secure and positive you feel, the better your sex life will be.

#### Communication During Sex

It's tragic that too many people are still having sex in the dark without saying one word to each other. How can you possibly know what the other person wants if he or she isn't giving you a clue? One and only one person holds the key to your pleasure: you, and you need to speak up! You can approach verbal communication with your partner during sex in several ways.

##### _"Straight" Talk During Sex_

Talking during sex can enrich the experience in many different ways. First and foremost, both partners can feel they've been given some direction and aren't simply flying blind. A lover armed with information can proceed with a sense of security that he likes that, she asked for this, that feels good. Information can be a beautiful thing. Second, you can give and receive feedback about what you're doing. For instance, say your partner asks you to stimulate her clitoris. Well, you can do it a bunch of different ways. With feedback, she can be more specific and you can feel better instructed: _When I say more pressure, I mean like this. I like the vibrator, but I want it right here. Move your tongue up and down instead of side to side._ You can also get some feedback on what you're _not_ doing. Like: _Baby, play with my nipples. I want your fingers inside me when you're going down on me. Put your hand here when you are sucking my dick._ A back-and-forth dialogue during the deed can also provide much-needed validation that you are giving your partner pleasure, reassurance that all lovers crave and appreciate. Encouragement makes us feel good, pumps us up, and gives us confidence to go the extra mile and make our lovers scream like banshees!

Lovers new to one another can't be expected to know or even guess correctly what someone likes or doesn't like sexually. That's why we need to tell them. The object of the game here is to communicate as clearly as possible and without judgment or condescension. For the most part, people like instruction and guidance. I've found that if you tell someone what to do—and you aren't patronizing or ego-trampling about it—they'll do it. People want directions. The funny thing is that almost everything in our lives comes with instructions—the VCR, the computer, our jobs—but people don't come with manuals when they get into our beds. And if they did, remember each manual would be completely unique to that person. Be as specific as possible in your cues: _a little to the left, softer, deeper, slower._ This can also be an opportunity to _show_ your partner exactly what you mean by demonstrating it on yourself or guiding some part of their body over some part of yours.

If your partner is shy about speaking up during sex, you may need to coax or prompt a little. Ask simple, straightforward questions during the deed. _Do you want it faster? Is this position working for you? Do you want more direct pressure on your clit?_ Or the ever-popular _how does that feel?_

##### _Dirty Talk_

Speaking of _how does that feel?,_ that simple question and its answer can also be the beginning of a less informational and more down-and-dirty dialogue during sex. It's all in the way you say it. Erotic talk doesn't have to be "dirty" per se—it can be sweet, sensual, and romantic, or it can be bold, nasty, and raunchy. Whichever way you say it, dirty talk can heighten a sexual experience and really drive both of you over the edge.

Most people are interested in dabbling in some hot conversation, but don't know how to start the fire. The easiest way to begin is to describe what's going on. This may seem like simply stating the obvious, but you'd be surprised at how much of a turn-on the most basic sex talk can be. Frank sexual descriptions are not usually part of everyday discussion, so "saying it loud" can be titillating, provocative, and even a little naughty. Especially if you put it in such a way that it sounds breathy, passionate, or downright nasty. For example: "You're so wet. I've got my dick inside that wet hole of yours and it feels great." Talk about what you are doing, what you are going to do, what you want to do. Like: "Honey, put my cock in your mouth. I really want to feel your lips around me." Tease, tempt, torment a little: "I'm gonna lick your pussy and get you all worked up and leave you here all turned on with no release. Do you want it? Do you?" Ask for what you want, beg for what you need: "I'm gonna go crazy if you don't put your fingers in my ass right now. Please . . ." Some people like to actually spin out a whole story or scenario to complement what's going on physically. Tell an erotic story, share a fantasy about what you were thinking about doing to your partner all day while at work, describe something you saw in an erotic video, and how you'd like to try it with your partner.

Sexy talk takes practice, and it's probably best for beginners to start simple. Fear, embarrassment, or shyness can prevent you from opening your mouth in the first place. Reassure yourself and your partner that it's safe to talk, and no one will be criticized or chastised for what comes out of their mouth. You also need to test the waters with your partner about just how raunchy you can get (and this might be a good thing to bring up before you open your mouth). For some, words like "cunt" and "slut" are a total turn-on, while for others, those same words seem vulgar and defeat the purpose of arousal altogether. Don't force dirty talk, let it flow out of your mouth as naturally as juice flows from a pussy. Say what's on your mind; honesty can be the hottest thing around. Once you get into it, let your inhibitions go. You'll be talking up a storm in no time!

Dirty Talk Tips

Of course, straight talk and dirty talk are not mutually exclusive. You can create your own dialogue which both instructs and arouses, or you can move back and forth between giving straight information and whispering nasty little thoughts. You can stick to one, then the next time try the other. Change your tone of voice ever so slightly, and go from nice to naughty in ten seconds flat. Whatever the case, give yourself permission and plenty of space to open your mouth and speak your mind. You might just be surprised what comes out.

#### Talking After Sex

As you recover from orgasm, lying together sweaty and sticky, you may or may not feel much like talking. But there is a reason that secret agents are debriefed after an important mission. Having as much information as possible puts them in a powerful position. When your mission is great sex, you too need a debriefing session. Perhaps the afterglow of lovemaking is not the best time for one. Wait a little while and bring it up when you both have the time and energy to talk about it. I don't mean for you to overanalyze each of your sex sessions or process them blow-by-blow every single time. But shortly after fucking is a good time to talk about fucking. It's a great way to be specific while the details of the encounter are still fresh in both your minds.

You can talk about what turned you on, what felt really good, what you could do without next time, what you'd like more of, what could go on a little longer (hint, hint), something that surprised you, something you thought of during sex, something you'd like to try next time. You can use these examples in the form of questions in order to gather information about your partner's feelings about your sex life. For example: _What turned you on? What would you like more of?_ And so on. Sometimes people who are shy about talking explicitly about sex respond better to specific questions, rather than the old, "So how was it for you?" To which the tight-lipped will often respond, "Fine," which doesn't give you much to go on. Probe as gently as possible for more information by asking specific questions: "Did you like it when I sucked your cock like that?" "When I am licking your pussy, do you want me to put a few fingers inside you?"

In general, be generous and caring when you communicate with your partner. When you want to bring up something you don't like, remember: compliments always feel good—criticism does not. If you want to tell her about something you didn't like, why not start that conversation with something you did like? Make sure to talk about what wasn't pleasurable as well as what was pleasurable. The more you talk about it, the easier it will get. Trust me.

#### Talking About Safer Sex

There is another part of sexual communication that is difficult, but necessary: negotiating safer sex practices. Discussing your sexual history, your health, and your feelings about safer sex may not be fun and titillating, but it's very important. It will also put your mind at ease.

Even if you are in a monogamous relationship, the American Medical Women's Association recommends that you and your partner should be tested for HIV six months after you or your partner has had sexual contact with a different partner.5 During that six-month period, you should practice safer sex. Get tested for STDs like herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis. Consider being tested for hepatitis if you are at risk. If you and your partner are monogamous and disease-free, and your six months have passed, you may choose not to use any barriers at all during sex, although you may still use condoms as birth control or latex gloves for easier clean up.

If you have multiple partners, then you should practice safer sex with all of them to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and HIV/AIDS. Some couples agree to regularly swap bodily fluids with each other (sometimes called "fluid bonding"), but are nonmonogamous because they also have additional sex partners. These fluid-bonded partners still practice safer sex with all other sexual partners.

The following sexual activities are considered relatively low risk: deep French kissing, frottage or rubbing, fellatio with a condom, vaginal or anal penetration with fingers using a glove, manual stimulation of clitoris, vagina, or penis, cunnilingus with a barrier. Unprotected cunnilingus (not during menstruation), vaginal or anal penetration with ungloved fingers, and unprotected fellatio are all considered risky, and the risk is higher with ejaculation in the mouth. High-risk activities include: unprotected cunnilingus during menstruation, unprotected oral/anal contact; unprotected vaginal intercourse; unprotected anal intercourse; and sharing sex toys without a condom.

Protecting yourself during cunnilingus and anilingus means putting a barrier between your mouth and your partner's genitals. Originally designed for use by dentists, as the name indicates, dental dams are squares of latex which safer-sex practitioners have co-opted for use as oral sex barriers. Because they were not developed with sex in mind, dental dams can be too small and too thick to make them ideal. Glyde Dams are a larger, thinner version designed specifically for oral sex which do the job much better than traditional dental dams. They are available at better sex-toy stores. (See the Resource Guide for more information.)

To make your own latex dam, you can cut a nonlubricated condom up one side; these tend to be thinner, like the Glydes, which allows both partners more feeling and greater sensitivity. You can also transform a latex glove into a dam: cut the wrist, the pinky side, and the fingers off, leaving the thumb intact. Open it up, stick your tongue in the thumb slot, and voilà—it's like a condom for your tongue! This is my favorite kind of a dam because it affords both giver and receiver the highest sensitivity. For obvious reasons, it's best to use a glove that isn't powdered or to rinse the powder off before you put your mouth near it. Try putting a dab of lube on the inside and outside of the thumb for even more sensitivity.

Store-bought plastic wrap (like Saran Wrap) is not just for leftovers—it also makes a good barrier for cunnilingus and anilingus. Plastic wrap is less expensive and easier to find than latex dams, which makes it more convenient. Another advantage: trying wrapping your sweetie's privates in plastic—think of it as a homemade thong. Then you can go to town without having to hold the dam in place. Safe, hands-free muff diving and ass licking at last!

To practice safer fellatio, men should wear a condom. Nonlubricated or flavored condoms are best, since the taste of a lubricated condom (many of them contain Nonoxynol-9) is not only awful, it can numb your mouth. A desensitized mouth can obviously not do its best work. Try using some lube (either flavored or with a taste you can tolerate) on the inside and outside of the condom; it will increase his feeling as well as her ability to give an expert blow job.

Putting a latex glove on your hand for finger fucking protects both you and your partner, especially if you have any cuts, scratches, or even torn cuticles which may provide an opportunity for disease transmission. Gloves come in several different sizes, and you should make sure that they fit well. A glove that's too small will cut off your circulation, and one that is too big will feel baggy and uncomfortable inside the receptive partner. You can also wear gloves for other purposes: if your nails are long, sharp, or ragged, if you are squeamish about the cleanliness of anal penetration, or if you want to smooth out your fingers before they go inside your lover. If you find that wearing latex gloves irritates your skin, you may be sensitive to the powder that coats the inside, which is common; find an unpowdered glove instead. If you are allergic to latex, look for gloves made of vinyl or other alternative materials.

As part of safer sex, you should use a condom every time you have either vaginal or anal penetration. In fact, because of the delicacy of anal and rectal tissue, bodily fluids infected with HIV and other viruses are transmitted and absorbed more easily and quickly into the bloodstream through the mucous membrane of the rectum. Thus, unprotected anal intercourse can be more risky for both partners than unprotected vaginal intercourse.

Speaking of anal penetration, you should never, ever put anything in the vagina that has been in the anus without thoroughly washing and disinfecting it first. Transferring rectal bacteria into the vagina can lead to yeast infections, urinary tract infections, and other ailments which will put a halt to your sex life. Just don't go there. If you're likely to want to use the same hand or tool in both the vagina and the anus, or your anus and then your partner's, that's a lot of running to the bathroom to wash up each time you want to switch gears. Using a new glove and/or condom each time you switch orifices or activities means less time cleaning and more time fucking.

#### All About Condoms

The condom market has just exploded in the past decade. You can now find condoms with a variety of features, including: regular and extra-sensitive; lubed and nonlubed; snugger fitting and extra-large; ribbed, studded, and textured in other ways; brightly colored, black, and crystal clear; thin, thinner, and extra-thin. Your friends, lovers, and sex-toy store clerks may have some helpful recommendations, but also realize that the choice of condom is a very individual one. Many brands are sold singly at sex-toy stores, so you can buy one of each and find your favorite.

A Guide to Condoms

If you use a condom with a receptacle tip, gently press the air out of the closed end before putting it on. Air bubbles can lead to condoms rupturing. If you use a condom with a plain end, leave about an inch of air-free space at the tip of the condom; semen needs somewhere to go and ejaculation without that space can cause a condom to break. Putting a small amount of lube on the inside tip of the condom will reduce air bubbles and increase sensitivity. Another good tip: hold onto the base of the condom when necessary, and especially during withdrawal, so it doesn't slip off. You can also use condoms on vibrators, dildos, and other sex toys to keep them clean in order to share them safely with a partner.

Marketed primarily for vaginal intercourse, the Reality Female Condom is a tube of polyurethane closed at one end and open at the other, like a larger version of the regular condom. Although some women find them cumbersome, others say it gives them a sense of control and responsibility in the practice of safer sex. The female condom can also be used for anal intercourse.

Before insertion, lubricate the outside of the condom, and make sure that the lubrication is evenly spread by rubbing the outside of the pouch together. To insert it, squeeze the sheath, and, starting with the inner ring, slip it into the vagina or the anus. Once it is inside, push it the rest of the way with your finger. About an inch of the condom should hang outside the opening, so the outer ring doesn't slip inside during the action.

During penetration, the Female Condom may move around, either side to side or up and down; this is normal, though the outer ring should never slip into the vagina or the anus. If it does, stop and adjust it. To take the condom out, squeeze and twist the outer ring (to keep fluid inside the pouch) and pull it out slowly and gently.

If you are sensitive or allergic to latex, you can still practice safer sex. Look for nonlatex condoms like Durex by Avanti. You can also use natural or lambskin condoms, but know they have a higher breakage rate than those made of latex. Use nitrile, vinyl, and polyurethane gloves instead of latex ones. They are more difficult to find, but try a medical supply store. For oral sex barriers, use plastic wrap like Saran Wrap.

Whenever you use a latex or nonlatex barrier, you should always use a lubricant with it. Lube makes safer sex smoother and more comfortable for both partners, especially for the person on the receiving end of penetration; of course, the smoother things tend to go, the more pleasurable the experience for everyone.

Making Safer Sex Hot

Nonoxynol-9, which is found in some lubricants and many lubricated condoms (read ingredients carefully), is a chemical proven to kill HIV (the virus that causes AIDS) and some STD viruses. Although it was once widely accepted that Nonoxynol-9 should be used during vaginal and anal intercourse, many women are sensitive or allergic to this harsh chemical, and develop irritation, burning, itching, even infections from it. In addition, many sex educators believe that because it's likely to irritate or traumatize the vaginal or rectal tissue, Nonoxynol-9 may actually make transmission of HIV faster and easier during intercourse, providing the virus with an accessible route to the bloodstream.6 Recently, an international study found that women who used Nonoxynol-9 frequently were more prone to genital ulcers, and more likely to be infected with HIV as a result.7 Genital ulcers or not, I think Nonoxynol-9 is too irritating and women should stick to a lubricant without it.

Practicing safer sex for some, all, or no sexual activities is an individual choice. We are all adults who need to assess our specific situations, think about the risks associated with what we do, and make an informed decision about protecting ourselves. If you want more information on STDs, HIV, and safer sex, ask your doctor or health care provider.

**I** _am in my early thirties, and my sex drive seems to have decreased quite drastically—I am practically never in the mood for sex anymore, and my husband complains that I no longer initiate it. What's wrong with me?_

With the discovery of Viagra, many men have found relief from erectile dysfunction and other sexual problems. Certainly there are men with other conditions that cannot be fixed with a little blue pill, but, in general, medicine knows a lot more about male sexual dysfunction. Women's sexual desire and sex drive are so unique and complex that it makes sense that our sexual dysfunction is equally complicated.

For women, a lack of sexual desire is a serious problem that may have a variety of causes, some of which we still haven't completely figured out. There may be some underlying psychological factors contributing to your lack of libido, including lingering shame and guilt about sex and self-esteem or body issues. Or you may have past sexual experiences, especially painful or negative ones, which can have a tremendous impact on your current sexual relationship, including a history of abuse.

If your current relationship feels unstable to you, it also may be affecting your libido. If you have unresolved problems or unspoken anger, it can affect your sexual relationship as well. Plus, there are plenty of physical conditions and symptoms which serve to dampen our sex drive, including: anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue, disability, pregnancy, perimenopause, menopause, stress, and many others. You may be taking medication—especially antidepressants—which have the unfortunate side effect of decreasing libido. And, of course, there may be a combination of emotional, psychological, and physical issues which come together to kill your sex drive.

Depending on what the particulars of your situation are, you have a variety of treatment options. You can consult your doctor about possibly changing any medication that may be causing the problem. Recently, some experts have recommended low doses of testosterone for women with sexual dysfunction; there are side effects, so do plenty of research before you choose this route. Because Viagra has had only mixed results for women, researchers have been trying to come up with other more effective solutions, including several creams that increase blood flow and genital engorgement, which may result in increased arousal.

Some women seek out sex therapy to address the problem and learn some behavioral changes that can help. There are also several holistic and homeopathic approaches, including chiropractic care, acupuncture, and herbs like yohimbine, saw palmetto, and ginseng. Even though these herbs are natural, you still should see a health-care professional—do not try to self-medicate, even with herbal remedies, and always tell whoever is caring for you what medications you're taking.

Talk to your doctor to find out all your different options, and do some research yourself. I recommend three useful books: _Beyond Viagra: A Commonsense Guide to Building a Healthy Sexual Relationship for Both Men and Women,_ by Dr. Gerald A. Melchiode, _I'm Not in the Mood: What Every Woman Should Know About Improving Her Libido,_ by Dr. Judith Reichman, and _For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Reclaiming Your Sex Life,_ by Jennifer Berman, M.D., and Laura Berman, Ph.D.