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## BE YOUR OWN FAIRY GODMOTHER!

### _Fantasy and Role-Playing_

Fantasy can be an incredibly useful force in our lives, erotic and otherwise. Everyone has fantasies about sex and other erotic activities, but too many people are afraid to vocalize their secret thoughts. We fear that our lovers may question, criticize, ridicule, or reject us because of them. The myths and misinformation about certain sexual taboos contribute to this silence and sometimes prevent men and women from satisfying their curiosities. Some people feel so stifled by guilt, shame, or fear that they cannot even tap into what turns them on, let alone say it aloud.

Fantasies are a positive and powerful part of our lives; they can give us great insight into our deepest needs and fears. Give yourself permission to let your mind wander wherever it wants to as your hand wanders between your legs. See where a certain fantasy may take you during lovemaking with your partner. Nurture your fantasies, respect them, pay attention to them, even probe and question them—they may tell you surprising things about yourself.

#### Discovering Your Fantasies

One way to unearth your fantasies is to meditate, visualize, write in a journal, or do what it takes for you to get in touch with your inner self. You may want to make a list of what you thought about the last five times you masturbated, paying particular attention to the people, places, activities, or scenarios that really turned you on. Many people use their imagination when they pleasure themselves (and also when they are with a partner), and the images that come to mind can give you a window into your fantasies. Try reading an erotic story in a book or magazine, and see what arouses and excites you. Was it the dark alley where the two characters met? The sexy underwear the woman wore? The amazing blow job she gave? The way he talked dirty to her while he fucked her?

Likewise, watching movies—both adult and mainstream—is another method of tapping into your desires. (Read more about watching adult films in the next chapter.) What leading men or women turn you on and why? What's your favorite love scene in a movie and what about it really rocks your world? Erotic stories and films can be a great way to see your own desires written on the page or acted on the screen and articulated for you. In some cases, you might not have known that something really revved you up until you read about it or saw it. When people use erotica, they often discover fantasies they never even knew they had. Allow yourself to be open to new possibilities and ready for inspiration.

##### _Opening Your Mouth_

Once you're able to summon the words to describe what really floats your boat, consider sharing them with a partner. Sharing our sexual fantasies with a partner can deepen a sexual relationship and help us to better communicate. Too many times we keep secret desires from our partners because we're afraid to share them. Sometimes, we fear that our partner's reaction will be negative: he or she will think we're weird or perverted. The fear of being shamed by a lover is very strong and often keeps us silent. Many of us feel that if we say something out loud, it will change the way our lover feels about us; specifically, it will make them love us less or not love us at all. These are serious feelings that can feel overwhelming and devastating. Sometimes, these feelings are simply a reflection of the shame and guilt we feel for having the fantasies in the first place, and they aren't a realistic assessment of how our partners might react. But if you and your partner are very different in your comfort levels with sexual experimentation, you may actually be correct in your assumptions and expectations about his or her reaction. Only you can gauge your relationship, but try to look at the situation objectively and see that maybe your own fears are getting in the way of voicing your fantasies.

If (and hopefully when) you've decided to share a fantasy with a partner, I find that a good way to do it is in a neutral, nonsexual context. In other words, lovemaking may not be the best time to tell your partner one of the fantasies that has been swimming around your head—it can feel too threatening to the other person, maybe too overwhelming, and both of you might feel too vulnerable at that moment to react in any useful way. It can also bring a perfectly hot encounter to a screeching halt if, in fact, your partner does have some negative feelings or issues about what you just said.

It's a better idea to create a safe space where both people will feel comfortable and a dialogue on the subject can begin. This also means that bringing it up at work, at the movies, or at your parents' house just isn't fair; you need to be alone and have the opportunity to talk openly and honestly without fear that someone will overhear you or that you're on a time limit. If you're nervous, you can preface your conversation by saying something like "I want to talk about something with you and I want you to have an open mind about it. Remember that I love you and it's difficult for me to tell you this, but I want to because I want our sexual relationship to be as full as possible. I want to share this with you because I am hoping that it might give you some insight into me, it might bring us closer, and help us be even more intimate and connected." Of course, this is just an example. Say what's in your heart and do it in your own words.

A fantasy doesn't necessarily have to be an elaborate one to cause you anxiety about bringing it up with your lover. You may want to try something new—it might be anal sex, bondage, using a sex toy, or trying out a new technique. I hope you realize by now that I am a very direct person, and I am all about cutting to the chase and just saying it; so in general, I advocate being as direct as possible with people, especially when it comes to sex. However, that said, if you honestly have no idea how your partner feels about something and you want to simply gauge his or her take on it, you could employ a less direct approach. Instead of raising an issue for you personally, you can bring it up as a more hypothetical situation. For example: "I read about a workshop on bondage being given in our area . . . [pause, giving your partner a chance to say something in response]." Or: "I read in a magazine about female ejaculation . . ." These general, open-ended statements are nonthreatening and give your lover an opportunity to respond without being directly confronted.

If your partner reveals something about your sex life, use it as a chance to start a dialogue and probe deeper. For example, a man at one of my workshops once said, "My girlfriend and I have been together for five years and recently she told me she wants to spice things up in our sex life. I don't want her getting bored, but how do I keep it hot for her?" I told him that the first thing he should do is ask her exactly what she wants. She may have had some ideas and fantasies already in her head and was just waiting for him to inquire about them. Asking her directly is always better than guessing.

In general, people (especially women) appreciate when they know that you have thought about a romantic encounter and put time and energy into planning one. So, whether you surprise her one night with candles, music, and a sensual massage or flowers, a bottle of wine, and an erotic video, she'll feel desired and special. Making time for each other in our hectic lives of work, family, and plenty of stress is difficult, but so important. Maybe you have to plan a weekend somewhere else to get away from it all, a time when you can focus solely on one another and reconnect in an intimate way. I am also a big fan of dating, even for long-term couples: asking her out, picking her up (even if you live together), dressing for each other, and going out on the town. Sometimes a fantasy is just about making time for each other.

Once you've been able to share your fantasies with your partner, you may want to transform them into reality. Creating a fantasy for you and your partner to share can be simple; it just takes some planning, a dash of creativity, and both of your imaginations.

#### A New Perspective

Sometimes, the easiest way to get a new view of the world is to simply roll over. Trying out an old trick in a new position may be just the thing you need to alter your perspective. Don't underestimate the power of changing places. Besides just shifting your "routine," different positions can produce new physical sensations; for example, maybe you've never tried spooning before (lying side by side, facing each other or the same direction), and you discover that it's the perfect angle for penetrating her vagina and stimulating her clitoris simultaneously. Or maybe you find that anal penetration while you're on top of him lets you control the action and depth of penetration. The ways in which we position our bodies in relation to one another can also create different dynamics between partners. If you want to feel as if you are surrendering to your lover, try putting your ass in the air, with your head and shoulders down on the bed. By contrast, face-to-face lovemaking, where you look into each other's eyes, can enhance the intimate connection between you.

In some cases, a fantasy may involve a sexual activity you've never tried before together—such as anal sex, bondage, or using a vibrator. In this case, you need a few items—lube for the anal sex, something to tie him up with for the bondage, or a vibrator. Buying the item together may be a fun way to get the ball rolling. Beyond equipment, you need desire and a date to do the deed and you're all set. Planning a date lets you take advantage of the pleasure of anticipation. If you are trying something brand-new and want to read about it beforehand, I encourage research. There are great books on all kinds of specific subjects in which you can find useful information about how to do it, and hopefully, how to do it well. There may be an instructional video on the particular topic you're interested in or even a workshop given in your area (see the Resource Guide for some suggestions). Just like anything else you're doing for the first time, be gentle with yourself. Have the patience to explore this new terrain, and don't expect perfection the first time around. Bring plenty of love, desire, and enthusiasm to the task, set realistic expectations and goals, and remember that your virgin voyage doesn't have to be the best ever. That's what makes this fantasy so much fun: practice, practice, practice!

#### Stripping for Your Lover

For example, say you'd like to perform an erotic striptease for your lover. First of all, congratulations on being so brave! Not everyone has the guts to explore their exhibitionist side and perform for their lover. Like other kinds of fantasies, think of your striptease as a piece of theater. What will you wear? I suggest lots of layers—not the Montana-in-winter kind, but you should have enough different pieces on to make the stripping worthwhile. You need to select a suitable piece of music, and that totally depends on you: what songs make you feel your most sexy? Whether it's Madonna or Marvin Gaye, you want a tune that's going to put you and your lover in the mood.

Being the anal retentive planner that I am, I am all about practicing. Now, this doesn't mean that a spontaneous strip cannot be just as sensuous and effective as that well-choreographed and rehearsed little number. But I always say, if you're gonna do it, do it well. Try out your moves in front of a mirror. Get comfortable with the music so you know it by heart. Also become well acquainted with the business of taking off your clothes in a seductive and graceful way—trust me, sometimes it's not as easy as it looks!

Set realistic expectations for yourself, and do not attempt to transform into Nina Hartley overnight; be yourself and make the most of your own assets, whatever they are. If you can actually dance, go for it; if you can't, just fake it. The most important thing to remember about stripping is to do every single move about ten times slower than you think you need to: work every single second for all it's worth. Effort and enthusiasm really go a long way. Chances are that your lover will be so flattered and turned on that the little details will be forgotten when you fall into his (or her!) arms.

#### The Main Course

A fantasy common among lots of different people is to incorporate exotic, sensual, or simply delicious foods into a sexual encounter. Food and sex seem like such an obvious and complementary pair, since eating can be incredibly sensuous in and of itself. This fantasy is fairly easy to execute as well.

One of the first times I tried out my food fantasy, my lover and I went shopping (separately) for treats. Then, we each took turns blindfolding the other person, feeding the secret food to each other, and trying to guess what had passed between our lips. The indescribable texture of gummi worms is what stumped me. From sweet truffles, berries, and cake morsels to juicy peaches, plums, and melons, feeding a lover can feel sexy and decadent. Perhaps you'd like to eat something _off_ of your partner's body; that's when chocolate sauce, whipped cream, honey, and caramel are easy to drip on and fun to lick up. To add an extra sensation to this version of food play, drag an ice pop along her inner thighs or heat up the hot fudge before you spread it on his chest. Foods like oysters, avocados, artichokes, and chiles are aphrodisiacs all by themselves, and they may inspire sex by being consumed before, rather than during, the activities.

Whatever foods you choose, make sure you think about how to clean up before you start rolling around in chocolate on the white sheets. When it comes to anything sugary or fruity, but putting it near her pussy is sexy, putting it _in_ her pussy could produce a yeast infection, so be careful.

#### Location, Location, Location

Some fantasies are all about where sex happens—at the office, in a public bathroom, in a park, in a car, on an airplane, at a sleazy motel. The location, whether public, exotic, risky, or out of the ordinary, is part of what makes you want to rip each other's clothes off. For this fantasy to work, all you really need to do is find the place, and you're halfway there.

Use a little bit of creativity if the actual location you're after just isn't accessible. For instance, if you want to get a little nooky in the Oval Office, try doing it at _your_ office (preferably after hours, and with the door locked). With an American flag on the wall, you'll never know the difference, and you can still feel patriotic. Maybe you want to relive your first date and get busy in the back row of a movie theater; the only problem is they tore down the theater to build condos. Find another cinema with the same vibe as your original—you won't know the difference when the lights go down and you both reach for the popcorn.

If you're going to bring your roll in the hay to somewhere public, just make sure it's a place that's actually safe to have sex. There's a fine line to walk between pleasure and danger when it comes to public sex. The idea of getting caught is mostly likely part of the turn-on for a lot of people with public-sex fantasies; however, you need to be sensible when choosing your site. Scout it before you bring your sweetie there; spontaneous public sex can be fun but can also put you in an very embarrassing situation. Once you've found the perfect spot, be sure to dress the part—skirts and no panties are a plus, pants you can easily unzip are too.

Public bathrooms meant for one person are fairly easy to pull off or, if you have the choice of multiple stalls, pick the extra-large handicapped-accessible one. If you've always wanted to get down under the bleachers during a football game, why not do a test-run when no one's playing the field? It might be just as fun.

#### Fantasy Role-Playing

Role-playing is a fun, sexy way to explore situations outside your normal, everyday existence. One of the questions people ask me most often about role-playing is: how do I begin? Think of it as putting on your own private play. You need characters: do you want to be a real person, a historical figure, a celebrity, or a fictional character? Maybe you want to be yourself, but in a different scenario. You may also want costumes or props to help put you in the fantasy. What about dialogue, a plot or story line? Role-playing can involve as few or as many accoutrements as you want, just don't forget the most important ingredient: imagination.

In one way, role-playing is your chance to be a kid again—to be carefree, uninhibited, and ready to play in a make-believe world. Think back to a time when you'd say what came to mind without fear of embarrassment and you'd follow your dreams wherever they took you. Capture your kidlike wonder and know that this time there are some significant differences: playing doctor can go all the way; your game of cops and robbers has a blatant erotic charge; and the Cinderella fairy tale involves a girl with dominatrix sisters and a prince with a shoe fetish.

##### _Who Do You Want to Be?_

When some people fantasize, they imagine themselves as other people, distinctive characters in an erotic drama. First, ask yourself who you'd like to be and who you want your partner to be. For instance, you may want to draw from classic and colorful historical figures. Are you drawn to the romance and nobility of King Arthur and Guinevere? Does the legend of Robin Hood and Maid Marion make you wet? You might also imagine yourselves to be real, larger-than-life celebrities like Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe, Bogie and Bacall, or Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson. Sometimes characters that movie stars portray are even more appealing, and lend themselves to titillating sexual scenarios—Han Solo and Princess Leia, Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara, Romeo and Juliet. Fantasies are all about suspending disbelief and using your imagination. If you can dream it, chances are you can make it happen.

You don't have to pressure yourself to be too specific either; you can choose simple archetypes and flesh out specific characters later. Sometimes, all you need are two roles—like sergeant and cadet, boss and secretary, or pimp and prostitute. The powerful, erotic dynamic built into the roles may be plenty of food for thought and all you need to bring your characters to life. How do you figure out which role is for you? When you watch an old silent film, are you the damsel in distress on the railroad tracks or the rescuing hero? In a Clint Eastwood movie, are you the good-guy cowboy or the bad-guy outlaw? In a naughty-schoolboy fantasy, which one of you is most likely to wield the ruler?

Erotic Roles

You can also select a particular scenario you find sexy, and meditate on it until you "find" your character. It could be the regiment of boot camp, the desperation of a deserted island, or the harshness of a prison. You can be a captured spy being interrogated and defiled by your unrelenting enemy captor. Many people have fantasies about having anonymous sex with complete strangers; I know a couple who regularly act this one out by arranging to meet somewhere and pretending they don't know one another. Then they go home together and have passionate sex all night. Maybe you want to relive an important moment in your life like losing your virginity. Losing one's innocence can be very sexually and emotionally charged, and reenacting the first time can be really hot. Playing the naive novice who needs to be shown what to do and how to do it may appeal to you most. Or, as the wiser, more experienced deflowerer, you are in a position to teach and train your partner, and perhaps guide him or her in a way that you cannot outside of role playing. Or perhaps you are both teenagers fumbling around, excitedly exploring each other's bodies for the very first time.

Sexy Scenarios

##### _Forbidden Fantasies_

In some of our fantasies, we not only want to be another person, but someone of a different gender. Some people who play with gender also get great pleasure out of cross-dressing. Do not be alarmed by gender-play fantasies; in most cases, they do not represent a deep need to actually change your sex or a case of gender dysphoria (where a person feels like his or her gender does not match his or her body). Many people simply want to experience what it might be like to button up a shirt the other way for a change, and all that comes with it. These fantasies can be especially difficult to bring up with a partner. People with gender-play fantasies can feel very vulnerable and might fear that their partners will suspect they are gay or transgendered. Hopefully, you have a partner who respects and listens to you, and who won't judge any fantasy of yours, including one of gender play.

Some of the most taboo and forbidden fantasies can also be the hottest. An example that leaps to mind is role-playing an intergenerational sex scene, like an older woman and a teenage boy or a mature man and a young girl. For some people, the power dynamic between the two roles is undeniable and this "age play" is very sexually charged and powerful. For others, it is just too taboo to ever turn them on. Other taboo themes include forced sex or rape, pedophilia, sex with animals, or incest.

A word of advice: toss your political correctness aside for a moment and remember these are fantasies. They might not jibe with your social conscience, your political beliefs, or your humanitarian ideals. Go easy on yourself. Just because they may turn you on with your partner doesn't mean you condone them in real life. You may get off when the boss does the secretary and her job is at stake, but it doesn't mean you support sexual harassment. The whole idea is to suspend reality and follow your mind, your heart, and your libido to wherever they take you.

That said, if you and your partner agree to enact one of these fantasies, be prepared. Because taboos can be highly charged emotionally, people can react in a variety of different ways. Intense feelings of fear, hurt, sadness, anger, and more may come up and you need to be ready to support each other if a particular fantasy pushes your buttons in ways you couldn't have predicted.

#### Getting into Character

Once you've decided who you want to be, in order to get into character, you may need a costume; remember, this can be as elaborate or as simple as you want and your budget allows. If you imagine yourself a dominatrix, you could go all the way and spend a chunk of change on a fabulous latex catsuit, a menacing mask, domineering high heels, and a selection of exquisite torture devices. Or maybe all you need is a great pair of killer patent-leather boots, the kind you wouldn't normally wear. Once you slip those beauties on, you become Mistress, and your lover becomes sex slave for the evening. It could be that one partner's costume works to get both of you into your roles. All I need to become a queen is a crown; once that shiny symbol is resting on my head, my partner automatically becomes a loyal subject. Maybe you need your lover to don the uniform of a delivery guy or the meter reader to become the bored-but-horny housewife on the other side of the door. You may need a wig and a white dress to be Marilyn Monroe. Whether it's a baseball cap or a full-body costume, clothing helps you create your character.

Perhaps clothes do not make the man in your case (maybe you're both wearing nothing at all!), but one or two props can really set the scene. These can be easy-to-find household items that, used in the right context, transform into highly erotic objects—like a tongue depressor and a thermometer for the age-old favorite "playing doctor" or a ruler and notebook for the strict teacher and naughty student just dying to come out and play. For me, a football and pompoms can help live out that cheerleader fantasy I've always had.

#### Quiet on the Set!

In keeping with the theatrical theme, you need to think about your set. Sometimes location can make or break a fantasy. Be realistic and creative. If you can't sneak a quickie at the office, live out your boss-and-secretary fantasy on a desk at home. If you want to relive the fateful affair from _Titanic,_ why not borrow a friend's sailboat? If your lover has always wanted you to strip for him, you don't need to rent an entire gentleman's club; just a sexy outfit, dim lights, and some sultry music will do the trick (lap dance optional, of course, for which you need a chair).

One of my absolute favorite places to have sex is in a hotel room, because it represents neutral territory. For one thing, no one knows you are there, so you can't get phone calls, faxes, or e-mail; the stresses of your everyday life can be left outside. None of our "stuff" (both physical and emotional) is there either. When you walk through the door into that room, usually generic and uncluttered, you can be whomever you want to be in that moment. A perfect setting for fantasies, hotels also vary greatly in their potential for different scenarios: the decadent opulence of an expensive luxury hotel; the over-the-top heart-shaped bed in a hotel for lovers; the seedy, sleazy, rent-by-the-hour motel off the highway; or the simplicity of a midpriced motel. A bed, a bathroom, and endless possibilities.

If you are going to live out your fantasy at home, one way to make it seem less familiar is to make the bed differently (try brand-new white sheets for the hospital scene or satin sheets for the princess and her servant). You could light candles, burn incense, or use an aromatherapy oil to give the room a different feel and smell. You also may want to take fabric, scarves, or sheets and cover things like a computer, the television set, the telephone, and anything else that reminds you of your real life. These everyday items can distract from the fantasy at hand. A cleverly placed piece of furniture (the interrogation chair) or prop (the baseball glove) can also serve to transform a familiar room into the set of your own erotic drama.

These are only a few examples of how to use the theatrical concepts of characters, plots, costumes, props, and settings to help tap into your role-playing fantasies and figure out how to re-create them. There are obviously millions of others—give yourself permission to let your mind go wild. And remember, the two of you are the directors and the stars: you make the rules, you set any restrictions, you run the show.

If you and your partner are really into fantasy and role-playing, you may feel that the planning of the fantasies takes away from the spontaneity of your sex. One way to keep yourselves guessing and even surprise each other on occasion is to create a "Fantasy Keeper." The Fantasy Keeper can be any container—a jar or a box or even a small drawer—just make sure it's private. You don't need your kids, the baby-sitter, or an inquisitive friend stumbling on it. Each time you come up with a fantasy, write it down on a piece of paper, with as much detail and information as possible, and put it in the Fantasy Keeper. Then, each of you can draw a fantasy randomly and surprise your partner one night.

#### Irreconcilable Differences?

Your fantasy may not go over very well with your lover, and you need to be prepared for that possibility. Instead of throwing in the towel completely, first try discussing it. It's okay to have a dialogue about your fantasy, but it's unacceptable to try to convince or coerce your partner into doing something she or he does not want to do. Ask your partner why a particular fantasy does not appeal to him or her. Have you had a negative experience in the past? Have you tried it already and know you don't like it? Do you have fears about pain, discomfort, injury, or health concerns? Do you have issues because you think the fantasy is kinky or weird? Does the fantasy seem to contradict your spiritual beliefs? Does it push your buttons or raise issues for you that you'd rather not explore in a sexual context? These are just a few questions you can gently pose to your lover. Having an honest exchange in which both parties feel safe to voice their feelings can bring you greater insight into what makes your partner tick sexually. It may not make your fantasy happen, but it may bring you a better understanding of each other.

Often, people have preconceived notions or misinformation about certain sexual activities; they simply need to air their concerns, and get some concrete information, before they can move beyond their fear of doing something different. I've found this is often the case with anal sex. When a man brings up the subject to his partner, sometimes a woman's rejection of it is based on the fear of experiencing pain, a story she heard about how it can damage the rectum, or other myths about this taboo sexual subject. When men reassure women that it can be pain-free and pleasurable for them and when they counter the myths with valid information, many women feel more open to exploring their back doors.

In some cases, you may be able to modify your fantasy in order for it to appeal to both partners. As long as you approach the idea with love and respect for yourself and your partner, there may be a way for you both to meet somewhere in the middle. With a creative imagination and a willingness to be satisfied with a different "version" of your fantasy, you can create something that works for both of you.

In my experience of teaching sex workshops nationwide, I've found that one of the most popular fantasies among men is to have a threesome with their partner and another woman. Unfortunately for them, most of their female partners aren't so gung-ho about the ménage à trois. (If you are up to making two become three, then definitely check out my advice about multiple-partner arrangements in the Q&A at the end of this chapter.) The mistake men make with this fantasy is wanting to go all the way and thus missing the opportunity to explore a range of different ways to make this fantasy happen. Girls, I don't mean to encourage men everywhere to pressure you into a _Three's Company_ –style romp; instead, I want to give a concrete example about how to make the fantasy work for both of you.

Ladies: so your man wants to have a three-way, but you're not into it. You still have a few options, if you are willing to compromise. This is basically about getting to the core of what about the fantasy turns him on and making some changes to accommodate the needs and desires of you and your lover. One solution is to go together to a strip club for a lap dance. If he's never been to one, get a recommendation for a place that is couples-friendly and where you will feel most comfortable. Girls: You should select the dancer for your lap dance and feel free to interact with her as much as you feel comfortable with (many clubs actually have a hands-off policy, so you may not be able to touch her even if you want to). Your guy can watch as the two of you have an erotic encounter, but you don't actually have to have sex with another woman, which may not be your thing. If you find such a club too public, try a peep show with booths and dancers behind glass for more privacy. You may have less direct contact with the dancer, but that may be easier for you.

If you'd rather have no physical contact at all, you have several options. One is for the both of you to call a phone-sex line and have an erotic chat with a female phone-sex operator where you verbally play out the fantasy. This is a very safe option and still may do the trick. Or you could venture onto the Web to an adult site with live chat and live interactions with women. Equally safe but probably more expensive, cybersex is more visual than the phone call and may appeal to the computer geeks out there. Perhaps he's got a favorite dirty story about a threesome from a magazine or book that he can read to you before bedtime. You can always rent an adult video with some "hot girl/girl action" and watch it together. Or for those of you with more enterprising and vocal men on your hands, encourage him to let his imagination run wild and whisper a tale to you about his fantasy while you're making love. As these suggestions illustrate, with some ingenuity, you can bring almost any fantasy to life in some form or another. The key is to listen to your partner and come up with a solution that works for you both. Also know when to let a fantasy remain a fantasy out of respect for your lover's boundaries and limits.

When delving into the world of fantasies, you still need to keep in mind that there are some fantasies destined to remain just that—fantasies. We like them and get off on them, but we don't want them to actually happen. For example, you may not want to be jumped by a hooded stranger in a strange place (or re-create that scene with your lover), but the thought of it sends you over the edge when you masturbate. In real life, you don't have any desire to have sex for money, but in your head, the images you come up with make your body tingle. The one thing that makes you soak your panties is thinking about a snake slithering inside you, but in actuality, no boa constrictor is going anywhere near your private parts. And that's okay. The most important thing is that you are having fantasies and they are fueling your pleasure, whether alone or with a partner.

**M** _y wife and I are thinking we may want to include other people in our relationship. Some of our friends have relationships they call "open" or "polyamorous." What exactly is polyamory?_

Polls show that 40 to 60 percent of people cheat on their spouses at least once, and that half of all marriages end in divorce. The nature of our relationships and of the institution of marriage are shifting. So it doesn't surprise me that you are interested in polyamory, because more and more people share your interest in expanding their relationships. Polyamory is a catch-all term for many different relationships that fall outside the traditional, sexually faithful, two-person model we call monogamy. Some people see polyamory as a postmillennial antidote to chronic serial monogamy that includes an abundance of cheating, embarrassment, deception, scandal, separation, and divorce. Many polyamorous couples practice nonmonogamy—the partners are emotionally committed to one another, but their relationship isn't sexually exclusive. Some poly people have multiple partners with whom they have both sexual and emotional/love relationships. Some polyamorous couples expand to become a triad or a group.

Polyamory for couples requires honesty, communication, boundaries, mutual respect, and rules—rules based on your individual relationship, desires, needs, and goals, rules that everyone can agree on, rules you need to stick to. You may decide that having the occasional ménage à trois to spice things up is okay by both of you. Or you may allow each other to have sex-only partners as long as you two remain the primary relationship. Your rules are whatever you need (no sleepovers? no anal sex? no blondes?) to feel secure, sane, and satisfied. I know one polyamorous couple that comes to the table as a package deal: if you want to have sex with him, you have to do her, too. Another duo bases their sanctioned dalliances on geography; when either or both are out of town, they have free reign to do the nasty with whomever they choose. While in the same zip code, they remain true blue. A rad bisexual couple works the gender angle. She's allowed to dabble with other girls, but he's the only XY in her equation. He can have all the man-on-man action he wants, but must remain loyal to one and only one woman—her.

If you are interested in getting some guidelines, read the books _The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities_ (don't let the name scare you, it's very useful and down to earth) and _Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits._ The magazine _Loving More_ (www.lovemore.com) has a wealth of information on the subject and celebrates alternative arrangements of all kinds. While it may seem reminiscent of seventies free love without the drugs, polyamory today encompasses a greater consciousness of safer sex and everyone's feelings and boundaries than it did in the days of wife swapping and key parties. It's a surefire way to challenge your sexual and emotional boundaries and explore your feelings about jealousy and possessiveness. If you were actually allowed to stray within the confines of your relationship—the illicit naughtiness of an affair no longer present—would it still be desirable? Could you live with the knowledge that your partner was fucking someone else but still loved you? Polyamory is not a tool to avoid issues in your marriage, it's not an excuse to act out irresponsibly, and it's not for everyone. It takes just as much work as monogamy, and probably more honesty. The sneers _slut, swinger,_ and _sex addict_ may be vaulted your way by others, but check the source—they're probably just jealous.


Input: "Write a section for a sex guide discussing the use of erotica in sex, specifically focusing on written materials, magazines, and pornographic videos. Address the debate between erotica and pornography, the different types of magazines available, and the various genres of pornographic videos that couples may find appealing. Also, touch on the benefits and drawbacks of each form of erotica, and provide suggestions for incorporating them into sex."

Response:
###### 8

## STROKE BOOKS, SKIN MAGAZINES, AND BLUE MOVIES

### _Adding Erotica to Sex_

#### Erotica Versus Pornography

What is the difference between erotica and pornography? No one has been able to answer that question definitively, and when you ask, everyone's got a different opinion. One porn fan put it this way: "Basically, if I like it, it's wonderful, life-affirming erotica. If you like it and I don't, it's cheap, sleazy porn."18 I know someone who thinks the sole difference is in the lighting; if it's brightly and badly lit, it's got to be porn, but if it's got soft, artistic, or moody lighting, it's erotica. Others say erotica is expensive, tasteful, and highbrow, whereas pornography is cheap, lewd, and base. Or erotica is literary, intelligent, thoughtful, politically correct—if flowery metaphors are present, it's erotica—whereas porn is illiterate, stupid, crude, misogynist—if you hear the word _cock_ or _cunt,_ it's porn.

The age-old debate of erotica versus pornography, quite frankly, bores me. For one thing, the distinction between the two is based on economics even more than personal tastes. Representations of sex printed on expensive paper or hanging in museums are erotica, while the same thing found on a street in an disreputable neighborhood or announced in tawdry neon is porn. You get the idea. In critiquing the false distinction, Laurence O'Toole called erotica an "acceptable level of sexual expression," meaning, of course, that porn is _un_ acceptable.19 Differences between erotica and pornography are based on money, socioeconomic class, politics, culture, and, yes, personal taste, but far be it for me to judge if anyone has any.

Throughout this chapter and the entire book, I use the two terms interchangeably. I render no judgment on one or the other—they are identical in my eyes. To be honest, I used the term erotica in the chapter title simply so I wouldn't scare some of you off. I wanted to at least get you this far, which I hope I have, to realize that _porn_ is not a bad word. Like _bitch_ and _pussy_ and _dyke,_ let's reclaim it, so it's no longer dirty. Well, okay, maybe it's a little bit dirty . . .

#### Dirty Stories and Stroke Books

The written word—from no-nonsense stroke books to literary erotica—can be incredibly sexy. Lots of women tend to appreciate a story, characters, context, and emotional resonance to go with their fucking, and plenty of men are capable of lusting after writing as well.

There was a time when all you could find in the way of written erotica were inexpensive mass-market paperbacks. Several publishers have kept anonymous classics in print—titles like _Man with a Maid, Confessions of a Concubine,_ and _Initiation Rites._ Although written decades ago, their smutty prurience stands the test of time. These cut-to-the-sex paperback novels are still available from publishers like Black Lace, Blue Moon, Nexus, and Masquerade Books. Many of them lack good writing, editing, and packaging, but there are a few gems out there and their compact size also makes them perfect for one-handed reading.

In the last two decades, the field of erotic writing has exploded and produced erotic novels and erotica anthologies that represent, inspire, and arouse people of all walks of life. Small presses and mainstream publishers have all gotten in on the act and published plenty of erotic books; in fact, there is such a variety available that you should be able to find something to suit your needs and tastes whatever they may be.

If you want to sample well-crafted tales of all different sexual orientations and proclivities, get one of the annual editions of Susie Bright's _Best American Erotica;_ they are chock-full of superbly written erotica that runs the gamut of sexual orientations and activities. For erotica written by and for women, try the _Herotica_ or _Best Women's Erotica_ series. There are also gay and lesbian erotic books. Most erotica books are available through women's bookstores, adult and sex-toy stores, gay and lesbian bookstores, and online booksellers. They are also popping up more and more at chain bookstores, usually in the sexuality, anthology, or erotica sections.

You can use dirty stories and books to masturbate with, either by yourself or with a partner. Try reading a favorite story to your lover at bedtime and see what ideas it gives you; often an element of a story—a particular activity, scorching dirty talk, or a sexy scenario—can lead both of you to try something new. Erotic fiction may even inspire you to write your own story, starring the two of you; share the story with the other person, and maybe you can bring it to life. Reading erotica to your partner can also be an opportunity for you to share a personal fantasy; it may feel less scary to tell a story that represents the fantasy, rather than saying it outright. Later, you can tell your sweetie why that story really turned you on.

#### Skin Magazines

There is a prevailing notion that men are aroused only by sexually explicit material that is visual (and they cannot appreciate something more intellectual or literary) and women are not aroused by images, but instead prefer more cerebral, written works of erotica. The reality, of course, lies somewhere in between. Some women like pictures, some words, some both, and the same goes for men. Magazines often provide the best of both worlds, combining sexy fiction with spicy pictorials.

The most widely available porn magazines—popular titles like _Playboy, Penthouse,_ and _Hustler_ and dozens of others—are targeted toward men, and the images usually reflect their gender-slanted marketing strategy: airbrushed, tanned women with "perfect" bodies and big breasts (very often courtesy of plastic surgery). That doesn't mean that women cannot appreciate them. A well-known lesbian editor I know told me that before there were any authentic lesbian porn magazines, she used to keep _Penthouse_ under the bed and drool over the girl/girl pictorials. These mainstream magazines have always enjoyed female subscribers. You don't need to be bisexual to appreciate looking at naked chicks, or even get off on them, so keep that in mind before dismissing them right off the bat. Many glossy skin mags—often those touting themselves as "hard-core" (which only means that they show penetration in their pictures) feature couples having sex. These may interest you more if the girls alone don't do anything for you. _Penthouse_ also publishes other magazines more focused on stories and erotic confessionals (with a lot less photography) called _Penthouse Forum, Penthouse Letters,_ and _Penthouse Variations,_ which couples may like better. There are dozens of other adult magazines, from _High Society_ and _Barely Legal_ to _Oui_ and _Perfect 10,_ but for women readers they're going to be pretty hit or miss. Overall, mainstream skin mags can be pretty blatant about objectifying women and pretty lame when it comes to women's pleasure, so if that bothers you or your partner, then these magazines are probably not for you.

_Playgirl_ features nude pictorials of men and is the only mainstream porn magazine specifically for women. _Playgirl_ has basically taken the formula of _Playboy_ and inserted men in place of women, which I am not convinced is the best way to go about making a women's porn magazine. Some women really appreciate having their own mag, while others don't find pictures of naked guys enough to stimulate their libidos.

There is another genre of magazine that tends to be more literary or "alternative," and often bills itself as erotica. Most of the publications in this group are underfunded (with a few exceptions), so don't expect glossy paper, color photos, or widespread distribution. Publishers of this kind of magazine often take a more thoughtful, less explicit approach, producing a softer, more artistic look at sex. Or they see sexuality in more radical and political terms. Through fiction, poetry, photography, and illustrations, readers can see new worlds beyond the genital close-ups and jerk-off stories of traditional porn. Many in this category have ceased publication in the last few years (titles like _Libido, Paramour,_ and _Yellow Silk_ ), but some lesser-known erotic zines are still around, including _Black Sheets, Blue Blood,_ and _EIDOS._ A few new titles have also come on the market, including _Nerve, Blue Food,_ and _Zaftig._ While the mainstream glossies are relatively easy to find, look for the more obscure titles in adult and sex-toy stores, alternative bookstores, or online.

Looking at erotic photography is obviously a wonderful addition to solo or mutual masturbation. One way to incorporate this kind of porn into sex is for one or both of you to create a story to go with a photo or pictorial. Name the characters, explain the situation they're in, and spin a tale that's original, seductive, and playful. Your story can take on a life of its own and inspire the two if you. Pictures may also generate ideas of things you'd like to try with a partner. If there is a particular photo that represents a new position, an erotic setting, or a sexual activity you've always wanted to try, you can use the image to _show_ rather than tell your lover about your desire.

#### Cybersmut

Some of the best visual and written erotica that's intelligent, funny, sexy, outrageous, unique, and arousing can be found on the Internet. Some Web sites cater specifically to a mainstream (predominantly) male audience, mostly offering downloadable hard-core images. Others feature erotic stories, photos, and other content that appeals to women, literary smut readers, or fans of fetish porn. Some sex sites attempt to cover sex from several different angles—with interviews, essays, how-tos, and news stories. The maverick spirit of the Web has also spawned dozens of homemade, amateur porn Web sites. Unique to the Web are some interesting interactive opportunities. Many people take advantage of the anonymity of the Web to have online cybersex in chat rooms. There are also streaming adult-video clips, voyeuristic Web cams, full-length adult features on demand, and live, interactive video feeds where you can chat with someone and have her or him act out a fantasy for you. New sites come online every day, others disappear without warning, and new technology is being developed even as I write this. A select list of URLs would be outdated by the time this book is published, but a good place to start is in some of your favorite print publications or a search engine.

The Web provides stories and images that you can use in the same ways you would the printed materials. In addition to giving you new ideas and concrete information about sex, the Internet can be a unique resource for sexual communication with your partner. On the Web, whether it's through e-mail or live chat, you can communicate with a lover in a totally different medium. You may be able to express a desire more easily and comfortably through an e-mail message than you'd be able to do face-to-face. Whether you live together or in different cities, you can have cybersex online. You may try out some of your role-playing ideas through e-mail or chat, and sharpen your dirty-talk skills. When you log on, you really can be whomever you choose, and this freedom may be just what you need to play out a particular fantasy. The Internet can also be a creative, safe way to do things you might not do in "real life." For example, a three-way in cyberspace can feel less threatening, but still help you achieve the fantasy you want.

##### _Blue Movies_

Of all the different types of erotica, videos are among the most sexually explicit. Porn videos are also the most controversial of all erotica, since feminists, religious right wingers, and others have long argued that porn is sick, obscene, exploitative, misogynist, or downright evil. These debates have made their mark on mainstream popular consciousness, and they often leave both women and men feeling divided or guilty about their enjoyment of pornography. Certainly, there is plenty of porn that many people do find offensive, degrading to women, or immoral. However, there is also a diverse array of videos that people can enjoy for a variety of reasons.

When people think of porn, they may picture men in sleazy booths popping quarters into a machine to watch people fucking on-screen. But thanks to cable television and the invention of the VCR, you can enjoy porn in the comfort and privacy of your own home. Like other forms of erotica, adult videos may help you get off while masturbating. Some people simply use porn to be entertained and aroused, and to help them slip into a fantasy world wholly different from their own. Others need to be able to relate to the characters or stories to be turned on. There are plenty of ways to incorporate porn videos into your sex life. You can watch them with your partner as an appetizer; it can put both of you in the mood for a fabulous sexual encounter. Once things heat up between you, you can hit "stop" on the remote, or leave the film playing for a background of sexy moans and grunts.

You may see something in a video—an interesting sexual position, an activity you've thought about trying, a location or scene that turns you on—that inspires you to try it out with your partner. A video can be a good way to illustrate a specific desire or fantasy, a visual explanation you can give your partner. You can role-play or act out something you see on the screen, adding your own unique flavor rather than copying it exactly. There are also plenty of superb educational adult videos that can teach you new techniques. Porn can also give you some pointers on dirty talk!

Porn can also illustrate and validate your own desires. I once showed a friend a magazine pictorial of two women having sex in a dressing room. "Wow!" she said, "I have Macy's fantasies all the time, but I never knew anyone else did!" After watching a video with porn star Chloe, whose primary orgasmic experience is through penetration rather than clitoral stimulation, a woman told me, "I totally identified with Chloe and how she comes! I've never been that into oral sex or clit stimulation, and my boyfriends are always surprised that I can have an orgasm through intercourse alone. The way that Chloe orgasms is so similar to my own sexual experience. She makes me feel like I'm normal." By seeing ourselves on the page or screen, we can feel assured that our sexual desires, identities, and experiences are shared by others.

One factor that motivated me to produce my video _The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women_ is that people can _learn_ from porn. Certainly, there are plenty of outstanding self-help-style instructional videos that are geared toward learning, but people also learn about positions, safer sex, penetration techniques, and plenty more from noninstructional videos.

Until fairly recently, if a couple was interested in introducing porn into their relationship, there weren't a whole lot of choices. Porn was primarily made by and for men, and it showed that bias; videos contained stereotypical images of women acting out male fantasies with little regard at all for female pleasure. Because the typical porn video was so blatantly male-focused, men were embarrassed to watch it with their female partners, and with good reason. Many women were either offended, disgusted, bored or simply not aroused by the porn that was out there.

The Best of Classic Porn Performers

But there are some terrific "golden oldies" from the _Boogie Nights_ era when porn was shot on film. Before video technology was introduced, porn movies were made much like mainstream movies, and many had substantial budgets. As a result, there are some movies that still stand the test of time, as long as you don't mind the retro 1970s fashion, hairdos, and music. (I like to think of them as historical texts, which makes them charming _and_ educational.) Classics like _Behind the Green Door, Insatiable, New Wave Hookers,_ and _The Devil in Miss Jones_ are still popular rentals at video stores and in mail-order catalogs.

Today, the adult industry is thriving and growing at an unbelievable rate. The market has diversified tremendously, offering consumers an immense variety of products to choose from. There are close to one thousand new titles released each month in many different genres, styles, and formats.20 If you are interested in sampling what's out there, first you may want to consider what genres appeal to you.

Full-blown features are shot on either film or video and have the ambitions of a mainstream movie with explicit sex added. Within the feature genre, there are realistic dramas, action/adventure movies, historical or period pieces, sci-fi and fantasy creations, and even the occasional comedy. Feature covers usually look like regular movie box covers; some may be sexier, while some show no nudity at all on the front. If you can do without plots and characters and just want to cut to the chase, then all-sex (also called wall-to-wall) and gonzo videos are more your speed; some all-sex videos have a theme that may be all-girl, all-anal, or all-blow-jobs—you can usually tell by the title. If you're looking for the real thing, then amateur or pro-am videos give it to you, with real people, many in their virgin on-screen voyages. To add to the list, there are also sex-instruction videos; independent/alternative videos, BDSM and fetish videos; lesbian, gay, bisexual and transsexual videos; and extremely specialized titles (like women-over-sixty, pregnant-women, or tickling videos). You can read detailed reviews of videos in many adult-store catalogs, on retail video Web sites, and in publications like _Adult Video News_ and _Adam Film World._

##### _Porn for Couples_

Luckily, the couples market in porn has grown substantially in the last fifteen years. In 1984, former adult actress Candida Royalle created Femme Productions, a company devoted to producing erotic videos from a woman's point of view. Not feminist per se, and certainly not soft-core, as many assume they are, Royalle's videos are full of realistic characters, interesting story lines, and passionate sex with a focus on women's pleasure. Titles like _The Bridal Shower, One Size Fits All,_ and _Eyes of Desire 1_ and _2_ combine well-crafted stories with seduction, foreplay, romance, and chemistry between partners. The so-called money shot, where a man ejaculates on a woman's face, breasts, or body, is just one feature of traditional adult videos that leaves some women feeling exploited or turned off. Notably, Femme videos are some of the only videos that portray "internal" cum shots.

Adult Movies to Watch

It took about a decade, but finally some of the biggest and brightest adult-video companies have caught up with Candida Royalle and are producing high-quality porn videos marketed for couples. The formula of this new breed of porn is based on a simplistic model of Mars and Venus. Show enough sucking and fucking to appeal to the average guy (after all, he's still the easiest target). Soften said activities with characters, dialogue, and production values, so these same guys won't be embarrassed to watch it with their wives. The fact that women may also get off is a bonus. In some cases, with all the emphasis on high production values, the actual sex scenes of these couples features lose the heat and passion of raunchier films. But I am thrilled nonetheless that finally the industry is acknowledging women as consumers of porn, and making products that they can not only stomach but might even enjoy.

Standout Adult Directors

Porn for couples includes big-budget features shot on film or video with exotic locations or unique settings. They've got scripts that actually make sense, well-drawn characters, solid acting, and production values that strive to match those of Hollywood. Some even have elaborate concepts or costumes and special effects. The idea is to create a movie like a big blockbuster and instead of R-rated, make it X-rated. One aspect of mainstream porn that may be less than desirable for women is the way many female performers look: perfectly skinny bodies, large fake breasts, and the California Girl/Miss America idea of "beautiful." This cookie-cutter Barbie look still rules, but the tide is turning, and you can find natural-looking women in the business more today than ever before. Now, all this time, effort, and money doesn't necessarily guarantee a great porn flick, but there are some exceptional production companies, directors, and performers worth watching.

If your taste is much softer, and you prefer the implication of sex rather than explicit close-ups of penetration and genitals, your best bet is cable and pay-per-view television channels like Playboy and Spice, which broadcast soft-core versions of adult features; you can also rent installments of the wildly popular cable series _Red Shoe Diaries._

##### _Adult Stars to Watch_

Within the feature genre, there is a new generation of adult performers who have a wonderful combination of qualities. They can give strong acting turns _and_ incredible sexual performances. They seem to truly love their work, and their enthusiasm and passion comes through clearly on-screen, especially female performers who have explosive, authentic orgasms. In some but not all cases, many of this next generation have gloriously natural bodies unenhanced by breast implants or other plastic surgery. Some of these stars to watch (along with a few of their film credits) are:

  * Shanna McCullough ( _Bobby Sox, Looker_ )
  * James Bonn ( _Models, Chloe, Search for the Snow Leopard_ )
  * Chloe ( _The Masseuse 3, Chloe, Misspelled, Club Hades_ )
  * Jeanna Fine ( _Cafe Flesh 2, My Surrender_ )
  * Sarah-Jane Hamilton ( _Pretending, Generally Horny Hospital_ )
  * Tyffany Million ( _Dirty Little Mind, Mind Games_ )
  * Sean Michaels ( _Dinner Party at 6, Sean Michaels Rocks That Ass_ )
  * Missy ( _Eros, One Size Fits All, Heartache_ )
  * Stephanie Swift ( _The Awakening, Miscreants, Shipwreck_ )
  * Inari Vachs ( _The Awakening, Three, Trigger_ )

The representation of people of color in mainstream pornography can be pretty dismal, although the company Video Team has a line called Afro-Centric devoted to African-American erotica. In addition, African-American actors Sean Michaels and Mr. Marcus have directed their own series. Along with Michaels and Marcus, there are several talented actors of color who appear in mainstream videos, among them: Asia Carrera, Stephanie Swift, Heather Hunter, Kobe Tai, Midori, Dee, Tia Bella, Lexington Steele, and Jake Steed.

##### _Just Show Me the Sex_

Some porn companies have an entirely different approach to video: ditch the scripts and plots and concentrate on the sex, even if it means some amateurish production values. All-sex videos, also called "wall-to-wall," are down and dirty, sometimes outrageous, and very often have plenty of sexual energy. The theory behind these is that if you don't require actors to memorize lines, act, ride horses, have elaborate costumes or accents, they can concentrate on what they do best: fuck. Some all sex videos are shot _Real World_ –style, where the camera (and the person behind it) is acknowledged as part of the storytelling. In this subgenre known as "gonzo," spontaneity, realness, and hot, raw sex are emphasized over stylized plots, sets, and other elements of big-budget productions.

Before the _Survivor–The Real World–Temptation Island_ reality-television craze, the adult industry was capitalizing on sexual reality with amateur (sometimes called "pro-am") porn. If you like to see real people who aren't porn stars and have no scripts, or have a look at a nonpro's first fuck on video, you may like this homemade version of adult videos, with titles like _Video Virgins, Filthy First Timers,_ and _Totally Amateur._ Watching amateur porn, you have to take the truly spontaneous and sexy moments with the more awkward—his struggle to undo her bra, the weird faces she makes when he licks her pussy, the way his dick slips out of her in a certain position.

Just like on television, there is a danger to realism: it can be boring. Capturing people fucking on film doesn't necessarily make stimulating porn. Sex itself isn't always sexy: it can be clumsy, and it's not always as well paced as a finely directed feature. Actual erotic moments can also lack drama and intensity—have you seen the Tonya Harding wedding-night video? Sex can be a very individual, internal experience that's hard to capture if people don't externalize their feelings. I admit it's interesting to watch real unguarded, unjaded people go at it sometimes, and certainly watching a woman have a real orgasm is way more fun than watching her fake one. Amateur porn is usually hit or miss, but some of the most consistently entertaining series are _Homegrown Video, Up and Cummers,_ and _Dirty Debutantes_ (if you can stomach their star and director, Ed Powers).

Gonzo Standouts

##### _Other Porn Genres_

In addition to features, gonzo, and amateur, here are some other genres which may appeal to couples:

_How-To/Instructional:_ To learn something while you're getting off, look for Nina Hartley's How-To series, masturbation guru Betty Dodson's educational tapes, as well as Deborah Sundahl's _How to Female Ejaculate_ and _Tantric Journey to Female Orgasm._ Much more traditional and less uninhibited is the Sinclair Intimacy Institute's Better Sex Video Series.

_Girl/Girl:_ Mainstream titles which feature girls doing girls for a primarily male audience. They tend to focus on women with long fingernails (which no real lesbian would be caught dead with) touching tongue-to-tongue (think _Playboy_ pictorials). They aren't usually portrayed as lesbians, and they don't always emphasize women getting off.

_Lesbian:_ Porn produced by lesbians and starring lesbians (usually amateurs) is a rarity, except for videos from companies such as Fatale Video, S.I.R. Video, and Maria Beatty's Bleu Productions.

_Gay:_ Perhaps surprisingly, some women—both straight and lesbian—really enjoy gay male porn. Straight women often watch gay male porn for the actors, because the truth is that gay porn actors are a dozen times better looking, better endowed, more well-groomed, -oiled and -muscled than most guys in straight porn. If women can get over the fact that the guys are fucking each other and there are no chicks in sight, they're in for some handsome eye candy and raw, no-holds-barred sexual energy.

_Bisexual:_ Sadly, when it comes to bisexual porn, worthwhile titles are few and far between. One reason is that the industries are so divided that no one is permitted to cross over or act in both gay and straight porn without being ostracized by both sides. As a result, there aren't enough actors who'll do bi porn and producers who care enough to focus on it. But you'll always be able to spot the bisexual vids at the store by their hilarious, revealing titles: _The Hills Have Bis, Bi Bi Love, Remembering Times Gone Bi, Every Switch Way . . ._ You get the picture.

_BDSM:_ Because of local obscenity standards, mainstream S/M videos rarely combine S/M with sex. Dubbed the "Master of Fetish Erotica," director-actor Ernest Greene has made some of the finest S/M and fetish porn ever created, with attractive and enthusiastic performers, spectacular fetish clothing and equipment, and accurate representations of kinky fantasies (Greene really knows his stuff). Bizarre Video also produces some of the most diverse BDSM/fetish porn in the industry, from bondage and master/slave play to enemas to golden showers.

While pornography is often made and marketed toward specific audiences, that shouldn't make you think that if you are straight, you should only watch and enjoy straight porn. The world of porn is often black and white, with its hard and fast categories like "gay," "S/M," or "for men." These labels assume a direct correspondence between a user's identity and her or his tastes in smut. Well, the fact of the matter is that straight men do not look at only straight erotic magazines, lesbians do not only watch lesbian videos, and women do not only read women's erotica. Never underestimate the possibility that our libidos don't always conveniently match up with our sexual identities; they can be a lot more perverse than we may think. That's another wonderful feature of porn—you have the opportunity to witness sexual people and activities entirely outside of your own experience. The thing about porn is that it's very individual, tastes vary, and you cannot always anticipate what will turn you or your partner on and what might not do the trick whatsoever!

##### _Femme and Beyond_

Femme Productions definitely paved the way for a growing list of movies for those girls who like a little conversation with their cock. Just doing away with that money shot was progress. Women have a very different relationship to visual pornography than men, and female fans are a lot more complicated—some want it nasty, some want it sweet, and plenty want it both ways!

In fact, even though I criticized it, I admit there are some women who _like_ to watch the infamous semen-on-the-face image. I know women who do; there are just fewer of them than the men who love it. And that's okay. Just because the adult industry calls a video "couples-oriented" and says this is what you should like doesn't mean you have to like it! Money shot or no money shot, hardcore gonzo or well-scripted feature, it's all up to you and your partner. If you are a woman who enjoys watching S/M videos with women being dominated by men, don't feel bad or guilty about it. It doesn't necessarily mean you want to be dominated or want other women to be in real life. It's just fantasy.

Some of the more savvy video stores and catalogs now have a "couples" section to help point you in the right direction. If that is not the case, and you don't feel comfortable asking friends or video store employees for recommendations, you can pick up an industry magazine like _Adult Video News_ or a comprehensive book like _The Couple's Guide to the Best Erotic Videos_ for detailed reviews. You can watch several different kinds of videos to see what genres, companies, directors, performers, and styles appeal to you. Discuss your likes and dislikes with your partner. Sample titles until you find what turns you on. Grab the remote, and let the fun begin.

**W** _hy do some porn videos show condom use and others don't?_

The depiction of safer sex in adult film has been a complex and controversial issue since HIV and AIDS have become a growing concern in America. For a long time, the entire straight mainstream industry did not represent condom use or safer sex practices in any of its films. In the 1990s, when several prominent performers were diagnosed with HIV, and it was determined that at least some of them had become infected from a co-worker on the set of a film, the industry finally woke up. Several individual performers as well as entire production companies proclaimed themselves "condom only"—using condoms for each and every penetrative scene in a movie. Other producers decided to be condom-optional or condom-free, arguing that people want to see fantasies in porn, not the reality of latex barriers for protection, or that it is up to the individual performers to decide. Today, it remains a murky, unresolved issue. If you want to see 100 percent condom use in your videos, look for movies by VCA, Vivid, Wicked Pictures, and Video Team (movies shot in the U.S. only).21